July 3, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:22:18
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Five, four, three, two, one. | ||
| The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it. | ||
| He inhaled it. | ||
| He was a Chinese man. | ||
| He was a very great man. | ||
| And whenever he lit the plant, it wasn't to get high. | ||
| But he would start to get high. | ||
| And every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods. | ||
| And he'd listen to those To the bird, and that's exactly what he did, and he became a great emperor in China. | ||
| And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, have you ever been to Disneyland? | ||
| And the doctor goes, no Pablo, I haven't. | ||
| He goes, very clean, very organized. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But it's the truth. | ||
| The first guy that ever got hired was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. | ||
| It gave him a soothing, but after days of doing it, it packed up in his body and he started hallucinating. | ||
| He saw a bluebird. | ||
| A bluebird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within the region. | ||
| What a crazy bird. | ||
| He got high and a bird started talking to him. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You know, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that the pot aficionados always used to say, is that, you know when a priest walks down the aisle and they have that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it? | ||
| That used to be weed. | ||
| That's what they used to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| In what dimension? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| At one point, I believe it was weed. | ||
| Then it became that shit that... | ||
| Batman shot at the Green Hornet. | ||
| It was like pedophile smoke. | ||
| You wake up, your shirt's bound backwards and shit, your pants are missing. | ||
| Well, what is it now? | ||
| What kind of incense is it now? | ||
| It's like this blue smoke. | ||
| I go in there to church every once in a while. | ||
| You have to go for the full effect one. | ||
| Like the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense. | ||
| They don't start breaking out the fucking malukia fucking... | ||
| And the guy comes out and one guy comes out throwing water. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| And then the other guy. | ||
| It's so weird how somebody made a great point on Twitter the other day. | ||
| They said, you, me, Mitch Hedberg, I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers. | ||
| There's five comedians that delivered newspapers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hedberg did it? | |
| Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places. | ||
| I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood, the route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers. | ||
| I would deliver them right to the doors. | ||
| Oh, you did too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And then you collected? | ||
| Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people. | ||
| Most people were on like a monthly subscription plan. | ||
| They were switching over, but the people that you'd have to collect from, you had like this envelope, like a tan envelope. | ||
| And you had to like mark off like, you know, when they owed things. | ||
| I barely remember it because it was only a couple of the clients. | ||
| And after a while, I kind of got away from doing them. | ||
| I said, I don't want to do these people that have... | ||
| Because it's too hard to collect. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| Like, I don't want to have to go to people's houses. | ||
| That was my specialty. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| I must have been... | ||
| That was when I first got out of Catholic school, and my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons. | ||
| And I'm like, I got to figure something out. | ||
| I just don't want to go up there anymore. | ||
| And my friend said, I'm giving up my newspaper out. | ||
| But he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood. | ||
| He gave up the one in the next city over, in the next town over in that city. | ||
| I could still walk. | ||
| So I'd have to leave school and run over there because not the dude would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. | ||
| So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in a thing, and then throw them on people's balcony. | ||
| And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect. | ||
| How you doing, Mr. Rogan? | ||
| I'm here to pick up 75 cents, and they give you like $1.50. | ||
| That was your tip. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you got like 22 cents a week for delivering the paper. | ||
| Did you collect from everybody? | ||
| I collected from everybody. | ||
| I was there sufficiently. | ||
| What years were these? | ||
| This has to be 73, 74, 75. Yeah, so I guess when I started doing it is when I started driving, which had been like... | ||
| 83? | ||
| I probably started 83. I probably started when I was 17. No, that was 85. 85. Probably then. | ||
| That's when I probably started doing it. | ||
| Yeah, you're too old to be collecting. | ||
| I wouldn't pay you either. | ||
| Well, it wasn't even that. | ||
| It was just annoying. | ||
| What you wanted to do was go to the depot, pick up the papers, chuck them into the people's driveways, and that's it. | ||
| And then there was a few people that wanted it inside the door. | ||
| So you'd have to get out of your car, open up their screen door, put it in there, and then leave. | ||
| And the idea was that... | ||
| Everybody would say, those people will tip you better. | ||
| They'll tip you better. | ||
| And so we would only have a few of those. | ||
| And I think after the first couple of years, they stopped doing those kind of collections. | ||
| I definitely stopped doing them. | ||
| But it was an awesome job. | ||
| When you're like a young comic or, you know, even before I was a comic when I was fighting, it was just I didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do. | ||
| I could get in my car. | ||
| I could listen to whatever I wanted to. | ||
| I listened to Charles Laquadera. | ||
| He had the morning, the big mattress on, I think it was BCN. I'm pretty sure it was WBCN in Boston. | ||
| This is an awesome radio show. | ||
| I'd listen to that, chuck newspapers out windows. | ||
| I'd do that for like three hours every day. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It was the best job ever, because then I would make enough money where I could pay my bills, but I still had all the time in the world to do stand-up. | ||
| All the time in the world to train, all the time in the world to do anything. | ||
| But it definitely fucked me up. | ||
| Because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day. | ||
| Like, that can't be good for you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| If you listen to people that know things about sleep, like getting up at 4.30 in the morning or 5 in the morning every day and not being responsible. | ||
| That was the beginning. | ||
| To me, that was the beginning of the new Joe Rogan era podcast. | ||
| That was the first podcast I listened to that I agreed with a lot. | ||
| But I also had a couple mitigating factors because I believe that everybody's body's a lot different. | ||
| I know I could rock and roll. | ||
| I could throw down on seven straight. | ||
| But it's got to be seven straight. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Get up to pee two times because once you're 50, you could be up and down. | ||
| See, once you turn 50-48, everything changes, Papa. | ||
| So if you see you there at night, I'm drinking compucha with water. | ||
| That has to come out throughout the night. | ||
| And you will be up all fucking night, on the hour, every hour. | ||
| There's no REM sleep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no REM sleep. | ||
| So you have to control, once you get old, you have to control your thyroid. | ||
| Dog, I've been a specialist on sleep since day one. | ||
| That was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on. | ||
| I bought the book and everything. | ||
| And he made some great points in there. | ||
| I didn't, I wasn't raised on an app, Joe Rogan. | ||
| My mom didn't raise me in her nap. | ||
| Once we came from Cuba, my dad died. | ||
| There was no nap. | ||
| I went where she went. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So my day consisted of 8 to 3 in the morning. | ||
| She had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot. | ||
| And if I got tired at 1, go back there and take a nap. | ||
| But I got to stay here until 3. Mama got to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So my sleep was always horrific. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Then when I was only five or six in school, then I went to normal sleep. | ||
| I went to Catholic grammar school, normal sleep. | ||
| Everything was normal. | ||
| But my mom had a bad thing that she did. | ||
| My mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights. | ||
| It was, she did it from the heart, because I have a friend who does it. | ||
| Wake you up at 3 in the morning. | ||
| Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, get up. | ||
| I brought you black ink and pasta with scungili from Umberto's, and I brought you a newspaper. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Could you imagine if I woke you up every night at 2 when you're 26 years old, Joe, at 3.30 in the morning? | ||
| And you know I'm doing it from my heart. | ||
| And seven out of ten times, you're going to get up and eat the sconjili or the marinara sandwich I brought you from Leo's because they worked in the city. | ||
| So remember, if you bartend in New York City on the way home, what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to stop? | ||
| No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan. | ||
| So my mom would wake me up every night at 3.30 in the morning with a Cuban sandwich. | ||
| That killed me over the years. | ||
| That would make me get up every night at 3.00. | ||
| There's still nights that I'll be sleeping. | ||
| I'll get a good night's sleep, but I'll look at the clock and it's 3am on the fucking dot. | ||
| Because it's in my... | ||
| But like last night I slept good, I fucked up. | ||
| My sleep was bad after I read the book for a while. | ||
| That's how deep it got into my head. | ||
| So when I went back to Weight Watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles because they would make me hungry at night. | ||
| I would fucking go off the charts with points. | ||
| So I stopped eating edibles and Joe Rogan, my sleep pattern changed. | ||
| Bad. | ||
| How to go to fall asleep by itself. | ||
| I went through a month of fucking two hours of sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Doing a bunch of shit and then three more hours in the afternoon. | ||
| Did you try anything? | ||
| Did you try like melatonin or anything like that? | ||
| I did cocaine for 30 years. | ||
| Melatonin. | ||
| I could eat 20 turkeys. | ||
| They could all suck my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gobba, goba, goobu, goobu. | |
| I drink them all together. | ||
| The tea, the wine. | ||
| Leave me alone, please. | ||
| Leave me the fuck alone. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go fuck yourself. | |
| I got something that's Gabba Gabba, the tea, and the tryptopin put together, and they still don't find it. | ||
| I buy it on Amazon. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| So what I learned to do was rotate it. | ||
| So now I'm back on the animals. | ||
| I found an expired bag of Chibichu's. | ||
| Like from the Dave Chappelle tour when I went out with Dave that year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| I found the bag with about 24 of them. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I slice them in half. | ||
| You take one of those. | ||
| You wake up at 6 in the morning to pee. | ||
| Your pee's brown. | ||
| They're expired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You understand me? | |
| What happens if you eat expired edibles? | ||
| Same thing when you eat an expired Vicodin. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| This shit ain't fucking around, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This works the jaw. | |
| You're going to fight Joe Schilling, eat two of these, and call me back on Monday. | ||
| It works the jaw. | ||
| Ain't nobody knocking you out after you eat one of these darn things. | ||
| Those things put you in another dimension. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I've been in a fucking other dimension since last week, and I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I have not left the house in a week. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| I ate two of them on Saturday. | ||
| I knew you were up in Idaho. | ||
| How beautiful was Idaho? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| How were the audiences? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were amazing. | |
| Tremendous, tremendous. | ||
| The nicest people out there. | ||
| It's like a bunch of really smart people that said, you know what? | ||
| Fuck California. | ||
| Fuck Portland. | ||
| Fuck New York. | ||
| Fuck Chicago. | ||
| They're gonna get mad. | ||
| We're blowing up Boise. | ||
| They want to keep it low-key. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They want to keep it low-key. | ||
| It's fucking all those areas. | ||
| You could ski up there. | ||
| They got everything up there. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got a couple people that hate black people. | ||
| But they keep them on the side of the state. | ||
| Mark Furman's up there. | ||
| Fucking OJ's sister-in-law. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| And then you were in Tucson. | ||
| My friend who I kidnapped showed up to your show. | ||
| He said he had a great time. | ||
| I go, why don't you say hello to Rogan? | ||
| You could have done a podcast right there. | ||
| He said he was embarrassed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Damn. | ||
| But Saturday night, I ate a fucking edible jar, Rogan. | ||
| I ate two of these expired ones. | ||
| I ate one, then I said, let me take a chance. | ||
| It's Saturday night. | ||
| I ate another one. | ||
| And I noticed your movie was coming on. | ||
| And it is fucking... | ||
| What a phenomenal movie. | ||
| Midnight Express. | ||
| When they catch the kid coming back from Turkey with hash on his body. | ||
| That is one of the most hardest movies you'll ever fucking watch. | ||
| The first 30 minutes of that, I thought I was going to die. | ||
| They let him go through, and they played him, and as soon as he hit the fucking plane, they turned him around, ripped his shirt, and they dropped to their hands and knees, and they gave him the seven years, and they started raping him. | ||
| But I watched up to the part where he became friends with this dude that had a cat. | ||
| And the dude name was Lecky, Lecky, Lecky was the guy's name. | ||
| And Lecky killed the cat. | ||
| And they let this American know. | ||
| You know that point where even, remember Michael Douglas? | ||
| What was that movie where he's on the 405 and he just snaps? | ||
| Fighting back Michael Douglas and shit. | ||
| Then they try to rob him. | ||
| The three Mexicans try to rob him from a suitcase. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that movie called? | |
| Falling Down? | ||
| Falling Down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Falling Down. | |
| He had, like, his day. | ||
| Like, that was it. | ||
| That was his last day to fucking live. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This fucking dude finds out they killed that poor American's cat and he throws a fucking beat on this Lepke dude. | ||
| Joe Rogan is one of the most disturbing beatings. | ||
| There's two disturbing beatings in film history. | ||
| That's number two. | ||
| Because he closes it out because the guy was a rat. | ||
| So after he throws a beating on him, look, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Right there, he's spitting out the guy's tongue in the air. | ||
| And they showed it! | ||
| I got to give a shout out to Turner Classic Movies. | ||
| You motherfuckers been throwing heat the last six nights. | ||
| They had on something else last night. | ||
| They had The Gambler on there that night that followed this. | ||
| This is the 40th anniversary. | ||
| Joe Rogan, he throws a beating on him, opens his mouth. | ||
| I'm thinking, the guy's being a nice guy. | ||
| He's going to give him mouth to mouth and save the guy's life. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| You see him going... | ||
| And all of a sudden he just pulls up like this, Joe. | ||
| They slow it up. | ||
| Only a fucking real director. | ||
| They had it on the waterfront last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, they ain't fucking around. | ||
| And they curse. | ||
| I was watching, I go, what is the commercials? | ||
| And they said, fuck one time. | ||
| I'm going to as well play this hand out. | ||
| They're going to show the tongue. | ||
| Joe Rogan, he takes it out. | ||
| You could see the rage from the fucking eight years in that Turkish jail getting fucked in the ass, eating that hummus. | ||
| Drinking that fucking watered-down tea from Lepke, and he just spits his fucking tongue in the air. | ||
| Look at his beating. | ||
| The best beating of all time. | ||
| There's only one better beating. | ||
| Our boy, the Mexican, when he beat up the pilot. | ||
| This is Lepke. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Dude, I forgot about this movie. | ||
| This is a classic. | ||
| This is a classic 70s movie. | ||
| This is crazy, dude. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| This is eight years of getting beat up every day. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fuck. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| This is an intense scene. | ||
| What year is this movie? | ||
| 78. I was a kid. | ||
| I still remember going to see this in the movies and leaving there like, dog, I ain't ever going to Turkey. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| The scene, for the people that are just listening, he's tearing apart this bathroom to get at this guy. | ||
| I don't remember who the guy is. | ||
| He's the guy that sells watered down hash and he rats you out and he's just a creepy fucking dude. | ||
| And then to finally push him over the tap, he hangs his cat. | ||
| He wakes up to his cat being hung. | ||
| And right here, people, this is the fucking strength of the 70s. | ||
| Balls to the wall. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, no, this is real deal real right here. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Are you fucking nuts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good morning. | |
| It's the 4th of July. | ||
| You're fucking with an American, motherfuckers. | ||
| Even in Turkey, we lose our fucking minds. | ||
| That guy must have been half Armenian or something when he bit his tongue out of you. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And this guy ended up dying of AIDS in real life. | ||
| This is a strong, strong... | ||
| Next time you have two hours... | ||
| The real life guy in jail or the actor? | ||
| No, no, this guy, the actor. | ||
| Who was he? | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| I forget what his name is. | ||
| Brett. | ||
| Brett. | ||
| Brett Davis. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Then the second best beating is our man, Anthony Quinn, at the end. | ||
| When he was 80, he beat the shit out of the good-looking dude for fucking his girlfriend, Mario Stowe, Madeline Stowe, in a movie called Revenge. | ||
| That is a... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I remember Revenge. | ||
| Kevin Costner. | ||
| Kevin Costner. | ||
| And then he slices her face and he fucking puts her in a whorehouse. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| To get fucked in the ass every hour of the hour. | ||
| Fucking, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the 4th of July, dog. | |
| Get your shit together. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| If Alex Jones is correct, we're going to have a civil war today. | ||
| So what the fuck? | ||
| You talk to Alex, you got to calm him down. | ||
| Alex, you got to calm down. | ||
| Talking about a civil war. | ||
| He had me doing an extra chibachute the other night. | ||
| I was polishing the fucking musket. | ||
| Alex thinks I'm defending the New World Order because I didn't think that George Soros was a Nazi. | ||
| It's all so painful. | ||
| What's up, Joe? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| What's happening, brother? | ||
| Everything's great, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I feel good. | ||
| Alex Jones. | ||
| I love you, buddy. | ||
| For real. | ||
| But you say some silly shit. | ||
| That's where this all comes from. | ||
| Doesn't mean I don't love you. | ||
| You're a great guy. | ||
| But there's some shit that's just silly. | ||
| It's a waste of time. | ||
| That's one of those things that's just a waste of time. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| I think there's real conspiracies. | ||
| But I think there's some that... | ||
| You know, people just get caught up in looking for conspiracies and everything. | ||
| And after a while, it's exhausting. | ||
| Let's get the bull off the table. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| I loved the podcast with Ari last week. | ||
| Yesterday, Tina turned his son. | ||
| But look, Alex Jones is going to hear this, so I've got to finish. | ||
| Okay, I'm so sorry. | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I just don't support a lot of the shit that he said, like the Sandy Hook stuff. | ||
| I don't know if he's since disavowed that. | ||
| I don't know if he changed his opinion on it. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but at a certain point in time, you're like, Jesus, man. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| You've got to be really sure before you say something crazy like that. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, don't you think? | ||
| Look, I think he's a great guy as a person. | ||
| I'm not attacking him. | ||
| When he goes crazy, he gets mad at me. | ||
| I want to hug him. | ||
| I love when he told me the story about trucks pulling up in front of your house and they could see through your walls. | ||
| They probably can do that. | ||
| They do that in different neighborhoods. | ||
| They probably can do something like that. | ||
| But then after five of those... | ||
| And this is my experience with him. | ||
| He'll tell you something, that you gotta sit there and go, what the fuck am I doing sitting here? | ||
| But that's cool. | ||
| That's Alex, and we accept him for what the fuck he is. | ||
| I just thought there was a civil war starting today. | ||
| I read on Twitter it was a civil war. | ||
| The Democrats are going at it today, so somebody's shooting somebody, so who the fuck knows. | ||
| Just to calm Alex down. | ||
| Nobody's telling me what to say. | ||
| No one's telling me what to do. | ||
| I'm not involved in the New World Order. | ||
| Who's the New World Order? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a comedian. | |
| Just enlighten me about the New World Order. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not involved, though. | ||
| I just want Alex to know. | ||
| I'm not involved. | ||
| Who are those people you're eating dinner with the other night? | ||
| Were you then a New World Order? | ||
| Who's the dinner people? | ||
| The people you say you were eating with smart people. | ||
| Who are those people? | ||
| These are all podcasters and former professors and all these different people that are doing different things together. | ||
| You scared me the other day, though. | ||
| You had Eddie on the ropes, right? | ||
| He was thinking you went back with the CIA. What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Eddie? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You know, the CIA. Who knows? | ||
| What? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you saying? | |
| Don't worry about nothing. | ||
| Eat a chibichu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the 4th of July. | |
| No fireworks to fucking CBS Radford. | ||
| I think conspiracies are fun. | ||
| And that's part of the problem with conspiracies. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| They're fun to chase down. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| They're interesting. | ||
| I'll tell you what's fun to chase down. | ||
| To read about one and to absorb it by yourself. | ||
| Once I get into a room with three men and we're on a conspiracy for 48 minutes, that's when I get aggravated. | ||
| That's what I don't ever want to talk about. | ||
| That's the shit that kills me. | ||
| I don't have the time to discuss whether the moon landing or not. | ||
| We all have an idea of what we think happened. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| I really don't want to talk about it. | ||
| Not on the fucking Fourth of July. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| The problem with them is, and this is a tendency, is that when people get really into conspiracy theories, they're into everything being a conspiracy. | ||
| It's not like they're into conspiracy theories and also into the history of Cuba. | ||
| They can give you a detailed history of some really crazy shit that went down. | ||
| Like, how many people that are really into conspiracy theories could give you a rundown on how Castro took over Cuba, which is like a real thing that happened in, you know, our parents' lifetimes? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| How many people that are into, like, you know, whether or not there's bases on the moon know about You know, all these different things that have happened through human history. | ||
| The Mongols. | ||
| The Roman Empire. | ||
| The Greek Empire. | ||
| It was crazy shit that definitely really happened. | ||
| All the stuff that happened during the Vietnam War. | ||
| All the stuff that happened during the Nixon administration. | ||
| All that stuff's real. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Fascinating shit to look into. | ||
| But then you get to dumb ones, like, oh god, are we really discussing whether or not the Earth is flat? | ||
| Is this a real conversation? | ||
| Are people really doing that? | ||
|
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Satellites aren't real? | |
| Go on social media! | ||
| You'll find a bunch of people that'll agree with you, too. | ||
| Gotta be so careful about not listening to scientists. | ||
| I'm gonna tell you what else I saw on Saturday, on Sunday night. | ||
| Sunday night on the 50 years of 60 minutes. | ||
| They were showing how they interviewed different people and how the one guy went to Saddam Hussein and he said to him, ask him to tell him that this guy said he's crazy. | ||
| And the interpreter looked at him and said, you think, sorry, I ain't asking him that. | ||
| And there was one particular interview, he was just talking about the interviewer. | ||
| One of the best interviews he ever did was when he pushed the guy that was standing behind Kennedy in the car. | ||
| The agent that should have taken the bullet for Kennedy. | ||
| They interviewed that guy. | ||
| That's a great, you gotta hunt that one down. | ||
| That he was one step behind. | ||
| I mean, he breaks down into tears. | ||
| He's a real American. | ||
| Like, this is a guy that's a real American. | ||
| Took that job, and they're like, it wasn't your fault. | ||
| And he's like, you don't understand. | ||
| I was a second behind. | ||
| If I would have been there just one second early, I would have caught it in my back and the president would have been alive. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
|
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Jesus. | |
| Can you imagine being dedicated to protect a guy with your own life? | ||
| And to really drink the serum and to believe it like a fucking soldier. | ||
| Those are very special human beings that can do that. | ||
| It's not a lot of human beings that have that kind of resolve. | ||
| We'll throw their life in front of a bullet to protect someone else's. | ||
| That's intense. | ||
| That is intense. | ||
| And you have to hear where the bullet is coming from, what your response time has to be. | ||
| This is when you're a real, high-level person. | ||
| Bodyguard. | ||
| You are the highest of the highest. | ||
| Your hearing is impeccable. | ||
| This means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside, you have to learn by yourself how to shut off nature and noises and listen to footsteps, weapons clicking, holsters opening, Think of how interesting just that alone is. | ||
| That's why sometimes when you see them, they're holding one ear. | ||
| Because they're zeroing in on anything particular. | ||
| A car's tire screeching differently. | ||
| Think of that fucking job. | ||
| Because that's what that job is. | ||
| To react to that. | ||
| So if Joe Rogan has eight guys, when they train, and I don't even know, I've never trained in Quantico, but I just know that I guarantee the first two guys, the first four guys are lead guys. | ||
| They have a mission. | ||
| One guy gets to the door. | ||
| There's a shooting. | ||
| Two guys duck for the president. | ||
| There's got to be plans. | ||
| It's like formations in football. | ||
| What if the linebacker goes this way, you run around me? | ||
| This doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you. | ||
| There has to be formations to protect the president or whoever it is you're protecting at that level. | ||
| When I'm protecting Kevin Hart, how many people are going to try to assassinate Kevin Hart? | ||
| When I'm protecting... | ||
| A president. | ||
| How many people are going to really try to shoot that president with weapons? | ||
| I mean, let's go to the Ronald Reagan attempt. | ||
| Let's go to these attempts. | ||
| How fucking fast? | ||
|
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This is... | |
| You have to be so high elite. | ||
| Vietnam, another war, and then you had to do a tour of something else where you were just like a spook that you tiptoed and killed people with toothpicks and shit like this. | ||
| This is my... | ||
| This is what I think you're training you with. | ||
| I don't think you're just born to be Rambo. | ||
| I think they have to take you to government... | ||
| And they start with a hundred Rambos. | ||
| They just keep training, training, training. | ||
| You lose some along the way. | ||
| And after every hundred, you get eight fucking savages that never had a chance to get married. | ||
| The government never gave them a chance to get married. | ||
| They're that good. | ||
| Well, all these guys that I know that have been Navy SEALs, all of them, are... | ||
| Any special forces, guys, those are different humans, you know? | ||
| They're just different people. | ||
| Now, what's Jocko? | ||
| Navy SEAL. Okay, so... | ||
| Yeah, and there's just a level that you have to be... | ||
| You have to have more control over your mind, more control over your will, more control over your discipline. | ||
| You're in the most elite branch of the military. | ||
| I mean, this is the elite of the elite. | ||
| I mean, they make it insanely difficult to get in. | ||
| So you just get the cream of the crops. | ||
| The people who are... | ||
| Just their mental fortitude is just unlike an average person. | ||
| If you meet a bunch of people like that, man... | ||
| You realize, like, wow, people come in all kinds of different levels. | ||
| There's people that just only surround themselves with other excellence. | ||
| And those dudes, like those Jocko-type dudes or Tim Kennedy-type dudes, that's a different kind of human. | ||
| They don't make a lot of those. | ||
| If you just want to have only those, boy... | ||
| There's a lot that has to happen before you can become a person like that. | ||
| You have to travel through many valleys of the mind and the body to get to be a person like that. | ||
| A person of insane resolve in a time of war. | ||
| It's a very, very intense human being. | ||
| It's not even a time of war. | ||
| Look at these 12 Filipino kids in the fucking Batcave, stuck down there. | ||
| Look who went to get them, the fucking seals. | ||
| The SEALs. | ||
| The SEAL team went down there. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Well, there's different various agencies, but there's also a SEAL team there. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| You know, the SEAL team, that's as elite as elite. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| That's how you probably become a fucking bodyguard to the president. | ||
| You'd have to fucking start like as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on just to adjust to human life and life without fucking hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then move up in that system until you get to that level of the Secret Service. | ||
| There's no way they put you through Secret Service training school and you're there in 60 fucking days. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| My daughter goes to science camp. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck, until pre-K starts. | ||
| And one of the kids she goes with, his dad's an FBI agent. | ||
| So you know what my job is every day? | ||
| To sneak up on him. | ||
| Every day I sneak up on him and put a gun to his side. | ||
| And I go, what's going on? | ||
| And I pat him in the back. | ||
| And he giggles and shit. | ||
| And I tell my wife every day, he's the worst FBI agent I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Because I'm 280 and I'm tiptoeing up to him and he don't even hear me in bushes or nothing like that. | ||
| That's how good I am. | ||
| Do you know why, dawg? | ||
| Because they hired him right out of an academy today, Joe Rogan, right out of college. | ||
| That's why we have so many shootings. | ||
| That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers. | ||
| They don't hire neighborhood kids anymore. | ||
| They hired college graduates that have never had what we had. | ||
| See, when you were growing up, if all else failed, you've never been arrested in your life. | ||
| You really could have been a cop. | ||
| You're a nice guy, but you really could have been Joe the Cop. | ||
| You could have been Joe the Cop and Quincy Mass that drives around and shit like that. | ||
| Sure, anybody could be. | ||
| Anybody could be a cop. | ||
| But Joe the Cop would have been different. | ||
| If Joe the Cop would have came in here and seen me and Jamie argue, Joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and Jamie. | ||
| Joe the cop would say, I want to meet you motherfuckers tomorrow at 3. And he would give us both boxing gloves. | ||
| And we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day. | ||
| Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail. | ||
| Joe the cop wouldn't throw us against a wall. | ||
| And if we turned around, he'd shoot one of us in the fucking leg. | ||
| He was part of the community, Joe the cop. | ||
| And Joe and the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
|
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Right. | |
| So, and I didn't know this. | ||
| I'd been thinking a lot about this and I ran into somebody and I asked him, the next cop, why are we having the situations we're having in this country? | ||
| The one last week in fucking East Pittsburgh is just mind-blowing. | ||
| That motherfucker just, now, there's a lot of different angles for that. | ||
| They had just finished doing a shootout. | ||
| But the kid took off. | ||
| This cop watched him, said, okay. | ||
| Got down, dropped down military style and blasted him three times. | ||
| Shoot me in the leg, bitch. | ||
| Shoot me in the leg for running away. | ||
| That's what Joe the cop would do. | ||
| Yeah, but even shooting someone in the leg running away, it's got to be something that they did that's really fucked up. | ||
| Well, listen, I believe in shooting someone in the leg. | ||
| I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your fucking life. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call. | ||
| But just so you know, it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg. | ||
| People die from getting shot in the leg. | ||
| How about I shot you in the fucking ankle? | ||
| No, okay, but I'm just saying. | ||
| How about I shoot you in the wrist? | ||
| I don't want to give anybody the impression they can just go around shooting people in the leg. | ||
| How many movies did we grow up at that the guy got shot in the shoulder and he just went? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
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You live getting shot in the shoulder. | |
| You know what my favorite is? | ||
| They get pistol whipped, and then when they wake up, it's like nothing happened. | ||
| They just start duking it out with people. | ||
| They got pistol whipped. | ||
| Everybody was pistol whipping people. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| They would just club him in the head with the pistol. | ||
| That was so crazy. | ||
| That was like a thing. | ||
| And then these people would wake up, why? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I didn't get pistol whipped with the butt. | ||
| I got pistol whipped with the gun to the head. | ||
| Nothing bled, thank God. | ||
| But it fucking hurt. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck type of gun. | ||
| It was like an automatic, like a 9mm type thing. | ||
| It wasn't like a revolver. | ||
| I never got hit with the butt or What a weird feature of the human body if that you hit it in the right spots it goes out If we have like a plug We have like a loose like some people's plugs a little looser than others Some people's plugs like Mark Hunt it takes forever to knock it loose Some people could just take it and some people can't it's fucking weird It's a weird characteristic you hit people and they go unconscious It's very strange It's | ||
| a very strange Feature that we exploit, you know? | ||
| But in movies, they always make it like it's no big deal. | ||
| It's a big fucking deal. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| You should avoid having it done to you. | ||
| It's a big deal to get knocked unconscious. | ||
| You know, it's so weird. | ||
| When we first started hanging out one afternoon, you took me to see that boxing coach. | ||
| And at the time, he had four Academy Award guys he was training. | ||
| Was that Terry Claibon? | ||
| Terry Claibon. | ||
| Terry's amazing. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| We walked in there, we went upstairs, and I think at the time when we walked up, Nicholas Cage was up there at the time, with his little hairpiece on and shit, looking like Johnny Goomba and stuff, and then Terry came over and gave you a hug, and we went downstairs, and Terry grabbed Steve Simone later on, because Steve worked there at the time. | ||
| This is 97, 98, as a gym guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, boy, that guy's in the wrong profession as a comic. | ||
| He should have been a boxer. | ||
| He hits like a mule, you know? | ||
| I never forgot that, him saying that and all the stuff you talk about, brain damage and whatever. | ||
| It took a lot for you at that age to realize that this was fucking for real. | ||
| This was dangerous. | ||
| There was no money in it. | ||
| There was no temptation. | ||
| This head shit is not, this is real. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| But there was also, I didn't have any temptation. | ||
| Now what happened before this? | ||
| What happened before this? | ||
| Like, what happened to the guys that I saw playing football in black and white with leather helmets? | ||
| Well, you know, leather helmets are safer, believe it or not, because you don't feel as confident. | ||
| When they had those leather helmets, they didn't crash into each other the same way. | ||
| There's an opinion, I don't know if I agree with it because I don't know much about the sport, but there's an opinion that no pads, no helmets, football would be safer. | ||
| Because you wouldn't be able to do the same things that they're doing now. | ||
| You can't just run into people head-to-head. | ||
| It would just destroy you. | ||
| And you could only do it a few times, your body would just start breaking. | ||
| But if you're putting helmets on and pads, it accentuates your ability to run into someone with all your force. | ||
| That's unnatural. | ||
| And it creates an unnatural jarring of the body and the brain. | ||
| That the rugby guys don't get. | ||
| The rugby guys don't have all those pads. | ||
| So when they're clashing into each other, they're learning how to roll with things. | ||
| They're not just colliding into each other. | ||
| There's a different game when you've got padding. | ||
| So if you take away the padding, people have to be more careful in how they're engaged. | ||
| They can't just charge in and smash into each other. | ||
| They won't last. | ||
| They'll have to adjust the game. | ||
| How is CTE in the game of rugby? | ||
| It's a contact sport. | ||
| For sure, people are getting banged up. | ||
| It's a contact sport, and it's a wild contact sport. | ||
| Are there any interesting to find out? | ||
| I remember being a kid, dog. | ||
| I'm from Jersey. | ||
| We're from fucking Jersey, right? | ||
| We know football. | ||
| I didn't even know soccer back then. | ||
| When I lived in Jersey, there was no soccer. | ||
| A couple Spanish people played the dark side of Of the court. | ||
| They played soccer on Sundays. | ||
| They wouldn't even let nobody watch them. | ||
| A couple Spanish guys. | ||
| But besides that, soccer was not big in my area. | ||
| But when I moved to Aspen, I would go to Aspen on Saturdays just to walk around, get a beer, get a sandwich, and I'd see rugby. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| I didn't even know what to fucking watch. | ||
|
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Right. | |
| And I was in good shape. | ||
| And after about three times that I went, one of the guys said to me, why don't you show up? | ||
| On a fucking Saturday and I looked at them like, what are you crazy? | ||
| Like I don't even know what the fuck you guys are doing. | ||
| They have a big rug fest in Aspen every year. | ||
| Pretty much every year. | ||
| That's where I first saw rugby was in Colorado. | ||
| I mean, I don't think I've ever seen it live. | ||
| I've only seen it on TV. Yeah, no, I've seen it live. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| You know, I saw three... | ||
| I saw two things that blew me away live in Colorado. | ||
| I saw rugby. | ||
| And I saw when they did like a Tour de France type race. | ||
| But they did it at Snowmass Village. | ||
| And I knew exactly what it was. | ||
| The road up... | ||
| And how it would have to be a circle. | ||
| You didn't have to go back down to Route 82. You would just do circles around Snowmass. | ||
| And I still remember being on a hill, listening to them going up the hill. | ||
| And it just blew my fucking mind. | ||
| The way the tire was hitting, the speeds, like how fast they were going uphill. | ||
| And then 20 years later, you realize they're doing PPOs and fucking hanging out with Sheryl Crow's old husband, shooting all that shit. | ||
| Can you imagine when they were shooting in the 80s when I saw them? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Was shit stronger back then? | ||
| I can only imagine. | ||
| What's the drug that they shoot that their legs won't stop moving at night so they gotta get on the bicycle? | ||
| Oh, EPO. It's not that the legs stop moving. | ||
| Yeah, EPO. Their blood gets thick. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| I'm probably saying it wrong. | ||
| But they have this feeling like they have to exercise. | ||
| One of our buddies was a biker. | ||
| He was a professional tour guy. | ||
| Not like a super famous, super successful one, but he was a professional bike rider. | ||
| What would you call one of those? | ||
| Cyclist. | ||
| A professional cyclist. | ||
| And he would tell us about it, how guys, you'd hear them, he knew that they were on EPO, and then you would hear them when they were on a tour bus, they'd get up in the middle of the night and go ride their bike. | ||
| They felt like they had to exercise. | ||
| So I guess if you're on a lot of it, I don't know. | ||
| I've never done it. | ||
| It seems like it would be awesome though. | ||
| If you could take some drug that like super juiced up your endurance, that sounds awesome. | ||
| But apparently it's just not very safe. | ||
| And they were saying that a lot of executives take it now. | ||
| There's people that are executives that are just entering endurance races and they're taking EPO and entering into these endurance races that regular people with regular jobs just decided to take it. | ||
| There was some article about that. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| It was like CEOs entering into endurance races and taking EPO. | ||
| But a few fighters have been caught with it, and it apparently just really juices up your endurance. | ||
| And the purpose of this is the endurance value. | ||
| You go 16 rounds instead of fucking 10 type shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a friend that used to shoot and eat steroids and never do a push-up. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He was whacked. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And I go, Doug, when are you going to go to the gym? | ||
| Next week. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I'll never forget him seeing him eat like half a bottle of Winnie V. The pink footballs, like the pink ones in the 80s. | ||
| He would just put them in his hand like Tic Tacs with a beer. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm going to the gym tomorrow. | ||
| I did some push-ups today. | ||
| Just my biceps. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
| A few biceps. | ||
| I want lats. | ||
| Italians. | ||
|
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|
Crazy group of humans that came over here. | |
| I always want you to do the impersonation from you when Italian people in Jersey found out that Marlon Brando is gay. | ||
|
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|
I can't fucking believe it. | |
| 20 years he was the godfather. | ||
| And no, no, no. | ||
|
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He couldn't blow a regular dude. | |
| No, God forbid. | ||
| He blows a black dude to really stab me right here in the fucking heart. | ||
| I couldn't even take him no more. | ||
| I had to throw the DVD collection away. | ||
| Fucking, I would love to hear one of those guys, what they said when they found out that week. | ||
| Didn't they say that he fucked everybody, men and women? | ||
| Oh yeah, he banged everybody. | ||
| He fucked everybody. | ||
| Yeah, and then it came out he was banging the guy with the big dick and cube. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The Superman. | ||
|
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He sucked his dick too. | |
| That's right, that's right. | ||
| So fucking poor Italian people, if they were Godfather fans, they were lighting those fucking DVDs on fire. | ||
| Fuck Marlon Brando. | ||
| Poor homophobes. | ||
| I like him more now. | ||
| I like Marlon Brando more now. | ||
| I love Marlon Brando. | ||
| Yeah, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Listen, Marlon Brando... | ||
| To me, Richard Pryor, thinking about Richard Pryor getting so coked up that he let Marlon Brando fuck him was one of the things I was like... | ||
| That's prejudice of me. | ||
| I should just assume he enjoyed it. | ||
| Assume he enjoyed having sex with Marlon Brando. | ||
| Why should I give a shit? | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Just remember one thing. | ||
| Because you're going to die when I tell you this. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Marlon Brando talked to the studio into giving them like a hundred grand to read Superman. | ||
| Like you know when people call you up, Joe, hi Joe, this is Cynthia from your agents. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We're sending you a script over for you to approve to read. | ||
| Give me a hundred grand. | ||
| Give me a hundred grand and I'll read what you said. | ||
| When he went to the island, he went deep. | ||
| And he believed his ego. | ||
| You gotta remember, that was an all-time record for a long time, what he got for Superman. | ||
| He banged him out. | ||
| He took him to the cleanest type shit. | ||
| He needed him. | ||
| He fucked him up in the ass bad. | ||
| Like, big money. | ||
| Find out what they paid him in 1970-whatever for Superman. | ||
| Remember, he fucked him big time. | ||
| I think it's Mutiny on the Bounty. | ||
| On one of those movies, they kept saying, oh, we have a beautiful spot for you right here in Marina del Rey. | ||
| If we do this, we gotta do this on this island, I found. | ||
| He had gone down there and found love. | ||
| He's like, there's a bunch of running around. | ||
| There's a bunch of women running around with leaves on it. | ||
| You know what damage I could do? | ||
| He made the studio shoot down there, and then they went down there. | ||
| Who wants to go to fucking whatever island they shot that at? | ||
| So that's where he lived, right? | ||
| So he went down there, he got down there, and he's like, Jamie, what's your job? | ||
| PA, no more, you're the director. | ||
| Rogan, you're this. | ||
| And everybody was shooting and they were shooting his feet. | ||
| They were shooting like him running and like the shore. | ||
| And meanwhile, he's just banging fucking Hawaiian women eight at a time, just having orgies, banging kids. | ||
| All those kids that shot themselves, all those kids he had, remember all those? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| All those poor kids that fucking, God rest their souls, all those problems he had. | ||
| He was down there like fucking just matadorin'. | ||
| Whoever Paramount, whoever the network was, showed up down there and said, let's see the dailies, and said, what the fuck is this? | ||
| You're done. | ||
| They brought somebody else in. | ||
| Marlon ended up saying, fuck it, I'll buy the island. | ||
| He bought the island, didn't he? | ||
| Like, this is just crazy shit I heard over the years. | ||
| And they just lived on the island. | ||
| And then if they wanted him, they had to call the island. | ||
| And he had, like, levels. | ||
| Oh, you want me to read this script? | ||
| That's going to cost you $80,000. | ||
| Oh, you want me to come to the studio? | ||
| That's $300,000. | ||
| Like, he had levels of fucking, and they would give it to him. | ||
| And then they didn't want him for The Godfather. | ||
| They were like, no, there's no way we want that fucking guy. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| And then finally he put the tape in his mouth and all that shit and they approved him. | ||
| Bro, that movie's like a porn. | ||
| The one he did, that last tango in Paris. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| That's like a light porn. | ||
| And then the chick came out years later and said, that motherfucker Stone Cold raped me. | ||
|
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|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he was the king of Me Too. | ||
| He invented Me Too, that motherfucker, dawg. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, she came out years later and said something about she didn't know. | ||
| Marlon Brando went in there and choked her out like McQueen in fucking The Getaway. | ||
| She thought she was just getting pushed. | ||
| Yeah, the McQueen, and who was it with? | ||
| Ally McGraw. | ||
| Ally McGraw. | ||
| That was hard to watch, dude. | ||
| Because you could tell that was real. | ||
| There's no way that wasn't real. | ||
| Like, he was really hitting her. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| He was a method actor. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Dude, that is harsh, man. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| That scene was so real because of it. | ||
| I mean, it's awful to watch, but... | ||
| But it's real, right? | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's an awful scene. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Imagine being her, and all of a sudden the dude just starts smacking you in the head for real. | ||
| You don't know what to do, and you don't want to bail out of the scene. | ||
| You're getting fucked up, though. | ||
| He's fucking you up. | ||
| And she didn't stop. | ||
| She just kept saying the lines and working with it. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What do you say to somebody after that? | ||
| Like, hey man, I'm sorry, but that's what the scene called for. | ||
| You can't see... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It sounds fucked up to say... | ||
| But I think even just that recent a time, people did not understand that if you're smacking people in the head like that, you're giving them fucking brain damage. | ||
| Like, you smack someone in the head like that, like, you could seriously fuck them up. | ||
| Like, something could be wrong with them for a long time, even if they don't go unconscious. | ||
| Did your mother ever smack you in the head? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, my mom wasn't a hitter. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, she wasn't a hitter. | ||
| Who smacked you in the head? | ||
| Very few people. | ||
| An uncle? | ||
| No. | ||
| Very few people. | ||
| Maybe my grandmother cracked me once, but it was, you know, just like, get your shit together. | ||
| Not like trying to hurt me, you know? | ||
| Just a little smack. | ||
| I didn't get beat as a kid. | ||
| But I saw a lot of violence. | ||
| I saw... | ||
| Seeing violence when you were a kid... | ||
| There's something about like seeing someone you're close to who's an adult beating up like a 10 or 11 year old. | ||
| You ever see that before? | ||
| When you see something like that. | ||
| You ever see a grown adult beating the shit out of a 10 or 11 year old when you're a little kid? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That, to me, that was like a defining moment when I was a little kid. | ||
| As a parent? | ||
| Or I only saw parents beat their children. | ||
| Yeah, I saw someone beat somebody else's kid. | ||
| It was fucked up to watch, man. | ||
| When I lived on 205 West 88th Street, when I came from Cuba, we lived in Jersey for a while. | ||
| My dad died. | ||
| We moved to 89th Street. | ||
| Then something happened at the building, and we ended up moving to 88th Street, and I had a kid I had a beef with every day. | ||
| And one day, I finally got my shit together in karate. | ||
| Like one day my sidekick started working and that fucking right cross started working and I learned how to use my fucking up block and I finally had this kid. | ||
| His name was Rudy the Haitian. | ||
| He was the only Haitian kid in the neighborhood. | ||
| We lived on 88th Street. | ||
| And I fucked him up this day and his father came down and held my arms. | ||
| And he made Rudy punch me. | ||
| And I'll never forget that my lip was bleeding and he took me upstairs and he knocked on my mother's door. | ||
| And my mother opened up the door and half a fucking hangover and she goes, what's the problem? | ||
| She goes, show it, Coco, you know. | ||
| And he goes, next time your son hits my son, I'm going to hit him and I'm going to come out of here and hit you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And my mom turned around and got a butcher knife and chased Rudy's father up the stairs. | ||
| The cops came and the lady next door said she didn't see a knife. | ||
| But at that point, we were done in the building. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| That was one of the worst there. | ||
| When I moved to North Bergen, I saw parents that, you know, like, you ever hear a comedian go, you ever hang out with white kids, you go to their house, how they talk to their parents? | ||
| I could never talk to my, you know. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's the first thing I noticed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When I went to Jersey, there were certain kids that would take their dish and go, I don't want tuna fish sandwich! | ||
| If I ever did that in my house, Joe Rogan, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| My mom would take the dish, throw it against the wall, and say, now you're not fucking eating. | ||
| Go to bed. | ||
| Like that type of shit. | ||
| But I also saw a fucking parrot in the hallway one day that was standing the way you are with his arms crossed. | ||
| Talking to the teacher the way I'm talking to you. | ||
| And the kid standing right here with glasses on. | ||
| And I'm walking towards him like, you know, I went to the bathroom. | ||
| I had like a hall pass. | ||
| And I'm talking, talking, talking. | ||
| And in the middle of it, the father just going... | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And hitting him with a backhand. | ||
| Kid goes down. | ||
| Glass is broken. | ||
| Blood's coming out of the nose. | ||
| And he's telling him to get the fuck up before I fucking kill you, you dumb motherfucker. | ||
| You said that to him, you dumb fuck. | ||
| I have seen that. | ||
| That kid was the devil, though. | ||
| I knew that kid. | ||
| I knew that kid! | ||
| The kid was the devil probably because his dad beat him. | ||
| And then there was another kid when I went to Catholic school. | ||
| Guido, father, Ginzo, the whole fucking thing. | ||
| Bro, he would come there, the nicest guy in the world. | ||
| But the son was fucking crazy. | ||
| And every time he'd get there, the nun would tell him about what he did. | ||
| And dog, he would punch him the way... | ||
| Ongayo was throwing punches at fucking Stipe. | ||
| I swear to my mother's grave. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As he was crawling into the car, like fucking pounded him. | |
| 12. Jesus Christ. | ||
| 10, 10, 10, 10! | ||
| I got thrown out of there 11 attacks. | ||
| So, now, are you looking at me saying, Joey, did they deserve it or whatever? | ||
| Everybody, every parent... | ||
| Had a different, you know, I watched a couple weeks ago, I was stoned to the gills, and I was laughing about how people put people down and shit, and I was laughing about when Julius Irving first, when the ABA shut down. | ||
| When the ABA first shut down, I don't know Joe, but if there was eight categories, Julius Irving led seven of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the ABA shut down, and the Sixers picked up Julius Ervin. | ||
| They gave him $6 million, which, can you imagine that? | ||
| What they give that guy, what they give LeBron... | ||
| Mr. LeBron's getting about 30 or 40, but yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he got $6 million over two years or something with Julius, and he was the biggest player in the world then. | ||
| Now this guy's getting 154 for three or something. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| So Dr. J switched his number from 32 to 6, and now the NBA All-Star game came. | ||
| So all the critics were like... | ||
| He came up from the ABA. He's going to get his ass kicked on the NBA. All-star game. | ||
| What? | ||
| Go look at those statistics. | ||
| He went off. | ||
| He went off because of a white dude named Pistol Pete Maravich. | ||
| He went to LSU and led the country in scoring. | ||
| A white dude ended up becoming a fucking boozer, but that dude knew how to handle the ball because his father would beat him. | ||
| His father would make him sleep in the garage in the winter and beat him until he learned how to play basketball because there was no losing in his fucking house. | ||
| Do you understand me, Joe Rogan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no fucking losers in my fucking house! | |
| Sleep in the garage! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No dinner! | |
| Remember, Pistol Pete knew how to fucking dribble jack him. | ||
| And Pistol Pete would take you deep. | ||
| Pistol Pete could hate. | ||
| Anybody could cover. | ||
| The best black dude in the league could cover Pistol Pete. | ||
| But if you watch that NBA All-Star game, Pistol Pete is stomping, chomping people, and giving behind-the-back passes to Julius Erving. | ||
| He even looks at a dude on one path. | ||
| He's looking at Bob McAdoo. | ||
| I'm coming. | ||
| And all of a sudden, he just puts the ball between his legs, and he gives it to Julius Erving. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because that kid's father stayed on. | ||
| There's different thoughts of... | ||
| Some people can handle that. | ||
| Some people can't, though. | ||
| Some guys are broken. | ||
| But I mean, it's like how much pressure is too much pressure to create a superstar like that? | ||
| Didn't Tiger Woods, didn't his dad put a lot of pressure on him as well? | ||
| Let's talk about the guy that died last week. | ||
| But that's a different thing. | ||
| Joe Jackson! | ||
| What the fuck is different about that? | ||
| He created three fucking kids to change the fucking world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He beat him. | ||
| He fucked him in the ass, supposedly. | ||
| Whoa, where'd you hear this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He did sexual assault on one of them. | ||
| I think you gotta be really careful with saying things like that. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Listen, it's the Me Too thing. | ||
| Things come out, what are you gonna do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's getting the blame for something. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But is this something you really heard? | ||
| I've heard sexual abuse allegations from his father, but listen to it. | ||
| What did he create? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did they do? | |
| What did Joe Jackson do by making them, not letting them fucking... | ||
| And let me tell you something. | ||
| The one kid could have gone to a college to play basketball. | ||
| The kids had talent as it was. | ||
| Gary, Indiana. | ||
| You ever go to Gary, Indiana? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like hell, fucking Delaware, and then Gary, Indiana. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Gary's like crazy. | ||
| He made these kids rehearse. | ||
| He pulled them out of Gary, took them up to fucking Barry Gordy. | ||
| You know, you think about this shit. | ||
| Some of them probably hated him for what he did. | ||
| You look back at those lessons that you got, Joe Rogan. | ||
| How many people did you look at one day and go, fuck you, motherfucker. | ||
| But then two years later, you look back and you look at the lesson you learned from the whole experience. | ||
| And you actually have to go back and hug that person and go, hey, man. | ||
| Thank you for that time. | ||
| It made me a better motherfucker today because of what you did. | ||
| It made me a better person. | ||
| We're not going to agree with everything that happens along the way. | ||
| But it's made us who the fuck we are today. | ||
| That's an interesting thing because we grew up in a time where kids were just allowed to run around outside. | ||
| Everybody ran around outside. | ||
| That was just normal. | ||
| Right? | ||
| When you were a little kid, you ran around outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Nobody just runs around outside. | ||
| I remember the first time I saw a grown lady. | ||
| She hit my cousin. | ||
| We were both around the same age. | ||
| I was probably six and she was five. | ||
| And this lady slipped on ice in front of her apartment building. | ||
| And she got up and my cousin just unfortunately happened to be standing right in front of her when she fell. | ||
| And she got up and she said, don't you laugh at me. | ||
| And she smacked her in the face. | ||
| She wasn't laughing at her either. | ||
| She smashed her in the face, man. | ||
| She smacked her hard. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god. | ||
| I mean, we were both little kids and watching some grown adult smash our cousin in the face. | ||
| We were like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just gotta realize, like, hey, you can't... | |
| You know, you gotta be polite. | ||
| There's some fucking people that will smack you in the face and she didn't even do anything wrong. | ||
| There's some evil fuckers out there that'll hit little kids. | ||
| That's some dark shit, man. | ||
| Smacking little kids in the face? | ||
| That is dark. | ||
| I swear to God, I ran into probably... | ||
| When I first moved from Cuba to 88th Street, there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids. | ||
| And I'm telling you right now, to my little daughter, there was words on the street that he would take you to his house and fuck you in the ass. | ||
| Oh my goodness, that's outrageous. | ||
| That is outrageous. | ||
| This is the early 70s. | ||
| This was the early 70s, which I turned into a joke later on. | ||
| Because it would be like, bro, have you seen Joe Rogan lately? | ||
| Nah, I haven't seen him in a week. | ||
| Sticky Charlie got him. | ||
| Sticky Charlie? | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Mr. Martini. | ||
| Mr. Martini? | ||
| Mr. Martini got him. | ||
| Like, when you first moved to 88th Street, that's the first thing the kids would tell you. | ||
| Like, I was five. | ||
| Keep away from this guy? | ||
| Don't fuck with Mr. Martini. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| He's a monster in your neighborhood. | ||
| Mr. Martini wore a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes. | ||
| His wife would die. | ||
| And he owned a building on 88th Street in the middle. | ||
| And he was angry. | ||
| And he would sweep. | ||
| And you know like when you were a kid and you stopped in front of somebody's house? | ||
| He would always come out and go, get the fuck out of here, you little fucking douchebags. | ||
| And I was Cuban. | ||
| I didn't understand the language. | ||
| I didn't really understand what he was saying. | ||
| I understood the anger, but I didn't understand the language. | ||
| And he would come out with a broom, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And one day I realized, I'm like, this motherfucker wants to rock. | ||
| So while my other friends didn't want to fuck with him, I'm like, we're going to fuck with this motherfucker. | ||
| So all Cubans have Elegua in front of their house, and it's something that your mother throws change in every day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a good luck statue, and I would steal the change and bring it downstairs, and I would look at the poorer kids, and I'd go, come here for a second. | ||
| You want a quarter? | ||
| And they would go, yeah, we'll get a quarter. | ||
| And I would take a quarter and throw it where Mr. Martini lived. | ||
| He lived like in a basement area. | ||
| He'd be right there, and he'd chase us. | ||
| We go, Mr. Martini, suck my weenie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he fucking chases us. | |
| And Doug, he chases us. | ||
| And if he caught you, he would fucking hit you like 50 times. | ||
| But we fucked him up. | ||
| We would fuck him up. | ||
| Dog, I saw some shit. | ||
| The first day, like New Jersey to me was a completely, that was like Mars to most people. | ||
| Like most people listen to me and go, you grew up someplace that doesn't exist. | ||
| I'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about the parents and the people and the situations. | ||
| But the first day I went out in my hometown of North Bergen, I saw me and Joe Rogan fight. | ||
| And even though I had Joe Rogan on his back, I saw Joe Rogan's father come down the stairs, pull me off Joe Rogan, smack me, punch me, kick me, throw me on the floor and make his kids go in. | ||
| That was my first experience ever in North Bergen, New Jersey. | ||
| I saw Mr. Robson come downstairs. | ||
| He took Anthony off, his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at two and a half to fucking noon in 90 degree heat, punched him in the stomach and told him to go home, you little giddy fuck. | ||
| Go home, you little guinea fuck. | ||
| Say that now. | ||
| They'll throw you in jail for two years. | ||
| He told him, go home, you little guinea fuck. | ||
| And Anthony looked at him crying a little bit. | ||
| He picked up his shirt. | ||
| He went like this. | ||
| Like he took the thing off. | ||
| And he goes, I'm calling my fucking father. | ||
| You're fucking dead, motherfucker. | ||
| Call your fucking guinea fucking greaseball father. | ||
| God, I dare you. | ||
| He's probably a greaseball just like you. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, I want to see how this plays out. | ||
| And next thing you know, two cop cars pull up. | ||
| And it's one cop car that's unmarked, and it's another one that's marked. | ||
| And it's a big fucking Italian-looking detective. | ||
| Like, you know, the short, stumpy Italian? | ||
| And he comes out of his car, he puts his fucking jacket on, it barely fits. | ||
| But till this day, I remember the mortadels he had on his hand. | ||
| And he goes, what the fuck's going on here, kids? | ||
| And the little Italian kid comes on and he goes, Mr. Robson came down here and he fucking smacked me in the face. | ||
| These are my witnesses. | ||
| Tell him. | ||
| Then he fucking hit me. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, oh, this is going to get fucking good. | ||
| And the next thing you know, the fucking cop, the detective tells the cop, go look around, see if there's tickets. | ||
| Go spread tickets. | ||
| And he goes, where does the Sky live? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, he grabbed all the other kids. | ||
| And he goes, tell me what happened. | ||
| And he goes, Anthony and him were fighting. | ||
| And he came down here and he fucking pulled him. | ||
| And at this time, they know that the cops are there. | ||
| And Mr. Robson, like, kind of opened his door to be kind of tough. | ||
| Like, he's not coming up. | ||
| He's going to know I'm going to fucking knock him out, too. | ||
| And the cop goes, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| And he grabbed the kid and he goes, you're okay, right? | ||
| And he goes, you just hit me in the face. | ||
| And he fucking walked up the stairs, bro. | ||
| Took him five minutes. | ||
| Got to the top thing. | ||
| Guy opened the fucking door. | ||
| Joe Rogan, this guy, put his hand in. | ||
| Pulled him out. | ||
| Fucking put him against the fucking thing on the second floor with everybody out. | ||
| And just started punching him. | ||
| Punching him. | ||
| Punching him like fucking John Jones. | ||
| When he's got you down, he's hitting you with those shots to the head. | ||
| Until the guy keeled over and he started kicking him with the fucking thing. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And at the end he goes, don't you ever fucking hit my son again. | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| And that was how I became friends with the family. | ||
| Because as soon as he came down, he goes, who's this kid? | ||
| He goes, he's the spit kid. | ||
| He's the only one that jumped in. | ||
| He goes, you want to come over for dinner? | ||
| And that was the beginning of my life. | ||
| When I got in that police car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| I did whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Till today. | ||
| This is fucking crazy. | ||
| And you know me and you don't fuck around. | ||
| What do you got over there? | ||
| This is still. | ||
| That's what happened in 1973. And what's that today? | ||
| That's a gold card. | ||
| What does this card do? | ||
| It does what it needed to do. | ||
| It does whatever I needed to do. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're a family member. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because of that fucking day? | ||
| Because I'm the only guy that jumped in? | ||
| I like how cops have things like that. | ||
| A family member. | ||
| A little secret card you could get from one of your buddies who's a cop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show this. | |
| You gotta get pulled over. | ||
| Put this on your license plate. | ||
| They got these little sneaky little things. | ||
| So now we're tight. | ||
| I'm eating at the house. | ||
| I'm eating fucking pasta with fresh mozzarella in the middle. | ||
| I could open up the front door whenever I want. | ||
| I call the mama. | ||
| She makes cream puffs. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So I'm tight with them. | ||
| I'm the only Cuban in 1974 that's even walking in there. | ||
| So now we're in the sixth grade. | ||
| And we're playing kickball. | ||
| McKinley had no fuck. | ||
| Remember two months ago, Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000 to a grammar school? | ||
| It was my grammar school in North Bergen, New Jersey. | ||
| About two months ago, Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000. | ||
| Now, when I went to that grammar school, those motherfuckers didn't have a gym, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shovel snow, they got a B. Shoveled snow. | |
| You shoveled snow. | ||
| When it snowed out, you shoveled snow. | ||
| That was part of your physical education? | ||
| Yeah, and you did push-ups and sit-ups and fucking... | ||
| That's like Russian shit. | ||
| Bro, and they had a fucking bar in the kitchen where you did pull-ups. | ||
| No, no, they were brutal. | ||
| Finally, they built the gym in the eighth grade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But before that, we played kickball outside in the fall. | ||
| And one day we were playing kickball. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| The guy's name was Mr. Tortora. | ||
| That was the teacher's name. | ||
| Was he a good guy? | ||
| Yeah, he was a good little gym teacher. | ||
| And we're out there, and we're playing kickball. | ||
| And again, that little Italian kid, the one that invited me to his house, and his father beat up the fucking dude. | ||
| We're playing kickball, and he's throwing the ball. | ||
| And every time I swing and I miss, he's calling me coco caramoco. | ||
| That means I'm a boogie face in Spanish, because it rhymes with coco, right? | ||
| And the teacher keeps going, Anthony, I told you a thousand times, none of that spick shit's allowed here, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the sixth grade, North Bergen, New Jersey. | |
| This is a school teacher. | ||
| Mr. Totoro's like, hey, none of that spickaroo shit over here, right? | ||
| This is America, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, bro, at that time, that was a big issue because a couple weeks before that, a guy named Totoro was a baseball coach and he threw a kid off for speaking Spanish on the bus. | ||
| He told him. | ||
| He goes, no Spanish on the bus. | ||
| And the kid goes, fuck you. | ||
| And he spoke Spanish. | ||
| And he threw him off like 20 miles from the house. | ||
| Became a big problem in my hometown. | ||
| They were going to kill the fucking dude. | ||
| But I remember going home, my mom going, he's talking the truth. | ||
| In the house, you speak Spanish. | ||
| This is America. | ||
| Outside, you speak American. | ||
| So my mom cut me off right there. | ||
| Like, I went home, like, ready to fucking be like a protester. | ||
| And she was like, that don't happen here. | ||
| We're Americans. | ||
| You want to talk Spanish, talk it in the house. | ||
| I think there's a real benefit to being able to speak more than one language. | ||
| Definitely is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a complete different mindset. | ||
| I'm happy I do it. | ||
| I speak to my daughter in Spanish. | ||
| If I tell my, ask her mercy something, I re-ask her in Spanish. | ||
| If I tell her something, I retell her in Spanish. | ||
| Yeah, they say that things like that, learning new languages in particular, opens up parts of your brain. | ||
| That if you're just a dummy like me that only speaks English, you can access different ways of looking at things. | ||
| Well, it's very analytical. | ||
| Let's say you wanted to be a lawyer. | ||
| One of your pre-whatever would be a language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You'd also have a heavy math. | ||
| To be a lawyer, you have to have a very heavy math pre-riculum. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of history. | ||
| You'd probably end up being a history major. | ||
| But there'd be a lot of math, a lot of econ, a lot of analytics, because it forces your mind to solve equations. | ||
| So if you look at the prerequisites, whatever the fuck it is, what's the prerequisites to be an attorney, there's a lot of math involved. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| There's got to be language involved. | ||
| There's got to be politics involved, like American political systems, American history systems, all that shit. | ||
| But it's got to be heavy math. | ||
| Once you get to law school, it's heavy reading and But before that, it's a lot of problem solving. | ||
| That's how you become a problem solver, by fucking whatever. | ||
| Yeah, I agree with you. | ||
| Whatever you just said. | ||
| Well, before I got locked up, I was planning on being an attorney, so I was a history major. | ||
| Yeah, that was the fucking plan. | ||
| Thank God for history podcasts. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| I was thinking of going back to school. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Just listen and refresh and then go on and read about it. | ||
| Well, there's books on tape, too, that you can listen to that are great, but Hardcore History. | ||
| Hardcore's great. | ||
| You ever listen to my boy Daniele Bolelli? | ||
| I'm a hardcore guy. | ||
| Daniele Bolelli, History on Fire. | ||
| His shit is fantastic. | ||
| He was telling me about this road to Rome. | ||
| I've never forgot this image. | ||
| Where there was, I think, something like 150 miles of bodies that were put on stakes. | ||
| He sent it to me. | ||
| He just sent it to me a couple of days ago. | ||
| 150 miles of human bodies that they stuck on these big poles. | ||
| And shoved him into the ground. | ||
| For a mile, like every 30 yards, they put a new person's body. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| 125 miles with one body crucified every 30 yards or so for a total of about 6,000 people crucified on the road between Capua and Rome. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What was the purpose? | ||
| I would have to go back and listen to it again. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| See, that's the shit I don't want to hear. | ||
| That shit's intense. | ||
| I want to start from zero. | ||
| I'm going to start with the Mongolians and Genghis Khan. | ||
| Listen, Wrath of the Khan, Dan Carlin, greatest podcast series in the world ever. | ||
| And then I want to move on to American history. | ||
| Oh, he's got a ton of them. | ||
| 101. I need American history 101, day one. | ||
| We're going back to Roots. | ||
| Let's go from roots. | ||
| Let's go to 1776. What happened all there? | ||
| I need all that refreshed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that stuff needs to be refreshed. | ||
| Dude, Carlin has got some phenomenal stuff on World War I. Let's cover both wars. | ||
| Let's cover both wars. | ||
| Let's cover the Third War, Vietnam. | ||
| And let's cover the fucking, whatever, the conflict. | ||
| All that shit, I was doing comedy. | ||
| So who watches the news? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who the fuck was watching the news in 1991? | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I didn't watch TV again till, you know, 2003 or something like that. | ||
| I didn't watch the fucking news and have a chance to be inclined politically or what the fuck was going on. | ||
| I was just worried about doing stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This silence brought to you by marijuana. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I thought he was looking for something on whatever. | ||
| Oh, I'm ready to fucking go. | ||
| You know me, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know you are. | |
| We got a great fucking card this week. | ||
| We can fucking break down. | ||
| I know you broke it down with Brendan. | ||
| I got to tell you, man, I'm leaning, and I love Dan Cormio. | ||
| He's a fucking champion of champions. | ||
| He took a fucking couple bombs from Anthony Johnson. | ||
| Bombs from Anthony Johnson. | ||
| But Jesus Christ, every time they put an obstacle in front of Stipe's way, He figures out a way to take it down. | ||
| Yeah, he's hell-bent on staying champion. | ||
| He's a giant dude. | ||
| Like, Stipe's a big guy. | ||
| And I know that Daniel has beaten every single heavyweight he's fought. | ||
| He's undefeated as a heavyweight, including throwing Josh Barnett around, who's just a beast. | ||
| But Stipe is the most accomplished heavyweight champion of all time. | ||
| That's just a fact. | ||
| He defended his title against the top contenders and did it successfully three times. | ||
| Nobody else has been able to do that. | ||
| Ortega, Holloway, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Both fights are Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| What a fucking great fight. | ||
| Stipe DC fight is a fascinating fight, man. | ||
| Fascinating fight, so I'm looking forward to it. | ||
| DC's a phenomenal wrestler, and Stipe is, I mean, he's as good as it gets right now. | ||
| Are you doing the show Friday night, G? Yeah, me and Ian are doing the Mirage. | ||
| Okay, beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it should be fun. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ready for it? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm excited for this card. | ||
| It should be very interesting. | ||
| What's going on with you in the running lately? | ||
| You really digging it? | ||
| Yeah, I'm digging it, but I have a little bit of a tear in my meniscus. | ||
| Are you thinking of, if you fix the meniscus, of doing something with running, like running what your buddy does, those marathons, half-marathons? | ||
| Have you considered something like that? | ||
| Not really, man. | ||
| I'm not into doing something that I know is hard to do and is definitely not good for your body. | ||
| I just think you get beat up doing that shit too much. | ||
| How long does it take your friend? | ||
| Cameron's a different kind of human. | ||
| He needs that in some way. | ||
| How long does it take him to recover from something like that? | ||
| Well, that's an interesting thing, just a good time for that question, because he just ran a race today. | ||
| He ran like a six-mile race, and he was saying that his legs are not fully recovered. | ||
| He was saying in the post that, you know, his cardio was really good, but you gotta figure, you run for 24 hours. | ||
| I mean, he ran for 24 hours just a month ago, right? | ||
| Was it a month ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not even. | |
| Not even a month ago. | ||
| Three weeks ago? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit takes time. | ||
| And he's 50. When you're 50 years old, it's not as easy to bounce back. | ||
| The recovery is very tough, man. | ||
| Yeah, he's an animal. | ||
| But he lives to push himself like that. | ||
| I'm more inclined to try to preserve my body. | ||
| I like pushing myself, but I'm just a chicken shit. | ||
| I don't want to be breaking hips and knees and shit. | ||
| Our brother just had shoulder surgery. | ||
| Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Yeah, he just got the stitches out. | ||
| This is his second surgery that he's had just this year. | ||
| You know, he had knee surgery real recently, like a few months ago, right? | ||
| Didn't he have his meniscus done a few months ago? | ||
| This generation of jiu-jitsu guys is learning a lot and they're learning what they're gonna pass on to the next generation is that it's great to roll and the leg locks are great and all that is great. | ||
| But there's another aspect to this, which is called yoga and keeping your muscles strong. | ||
| And the conditioning has to be good. | ||
| You have to take care of yourself. | ||
| You have to take care of yourself. | ||
| These guys didn't know. | ||
| You didn't know. | ||
| You didn't know. | ||
| Well, it took me a while to learn. | ||
| But the reality of jiu-jitsu is it's... | ||
| A thing that, as you get older, you have to be much more careful who you train with and how you train. | ||
| You can't just go balls to the wall like you could when you were 27. You have to keep your shit together. | ||
| And, you know, injuries are real. | ||
| You can't just work through them. | ||
| Like, that was a big fallacy. | ||
| People would get hurt and they would try to roll light. | ||
| Nobody ever rolls light. | ||
| They always say they're gonna roll light and then the guy almost gets you and then you're trying to get him. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're defending and it's a fucking serious, heated up roll session, which is great. | ||
| But then you're like, ah, like your neck's all fucked up, and you go, alright, next guy, I'm just going to lay on my back and work my half guard. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| As soon as it starts getting hot and heavy, you almost got caught in an arm bar, and then you try to pop up, and then you try to pass his guard, and then you get into it. | ||
| You know, it's a thing that's too exciting, you know? | ||
| And jiu-jitsu, and when I say, like, rolling hard, I don't mean, like, Not even a real high-level match. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Listen, me passing your guard and laying on you, that's a tough morning. | ||
| Even though I'm giving you love on top, Joe. | ||
| Can you breathe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm good, Joe. | ||
| I'm just not letting you get the underhook. | ||
| I give tons of love. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm addicted to it. | ||
| It's changed who I am. | ||
| I had to attack it from a different foundation. | ||
| I was attacking it from looking at Jamie and going, I gotta do what Jamie does, and not realizing I got Jamie by 25 years and I can't do what Jamie does, so my game has to be completely different to Jamie's. | ||
| Mondays when I come into class, it's more about the The drilling and less about the rolling. | ||
| And I'll do an hour conditioning class with Brett. | ||
| We do everything. | ||
| We do the ball, the things, the ropes. | ||
| I do everything and I'll do that jujitsu class. | ||
| But I'll do the drills. | ||
| I'll roll once or twice and Papa's got to go. | ||
| Thursday, I go balls to the wall on the rolling, which means three or four rolls. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And then I try to take Friday off and then Saturday I'll do Muay Thai and conditioning and I'm done for the week. | ||
| Joey Diaz getting fit. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| I got this five-year-old. | ||
| Number two, I watched your thing and I really do it. | ||
| I go to fucking cryotherapy and I put my head in there. | ||
| I go to U.S. cryotherapy. | ||
| I'm a Novathor guy, too. | ||
| That bed is making me feel fucking phenomenal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| I'm getting tremendous hard-ons. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The Novathor bed. | ||
| The bed that you lay on and it cleans out your cells and shit like that. | ||
| What does it do? | ||
| It does everything. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| It's a fucking animal. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| Plus, I get in that freezer for three minutes and 30 seconds. | ||
| I put Madonna on. | ||
| Burn it up for your love. | ||
| I went to Gay Pride. | ||
| I forgot all about the gay. | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| Thinner, fitter, healthier, happier. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Tremendous joke. | ||
| Dude, they're going to talk us into getting into a pod. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're going to be locked into the matrix. | ||
| So what is this treatment? | ||
| No negative side effects. | ||
| Clients are supplied with safety goggles and then relax into NovoThor treatment pod for 8 to 15 minutes of whole body restorative light treatment. | ||
| The treatment may be repeated two or more times a week. | ||
| What is it doing? | ||
| It's not saying what it's done. | ||
| You gotta instigate the fucking thing. | ||
| You gotta look into it. | ||
| What are you modeling me for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna tell you the wrong information. | |
| Tell me why I should get in your light box. | ||
| It's a whole body delivery system of PBM therapy that has been designed to deliver optimal wavelengths, power... | ||
| What is that word? | ||
| Densities? | ||
| And dosages based on the published clinical research outcomes. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I can't read from here. | ||
| It works the whole body in just 6 to 15 minutes. | ||
| The intended use of Novathor are to redevelop muscles or restore motion to joints or for use as an adjunct therapy for obesity. | ||
| That seems like it does a lot of shit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I'm trying to hang on. | ||
| Is that real, Jamie? | ||
| Do I look okay? | ||
| You look good. | ||
| All right, then. | ||
| You look sexy. | ||
| You look like you're moving good. | ||
| Like you're losing weight. | ||
| Yeah, no, you have to do something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that training you're doing, if you're doing that much training, that's crazy. | ||
| That's really awesome. | ||
| I really love it, Doug. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| And I try to do one strength training at the house, on its style, with club bells. | ||
| If you want to come here, man, I'll work you out. | ||
| We'll work out together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You seriously? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was thinking about calling you and coming earlier. | ||
| Maybe you give me a kickboxing lesson or something. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And you know what else we could do? | ||
| We could do like a circuit. | ||
| A circuit training? | ||
| Yeah, because I have that Echo air bike. | ||
| You know that Echo bike? | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| So we could do rows. | ||
| The Echo Bike, and I got a VersaClimber. | ||
| And I like to do those Tabata sequences. | ||
| So it's like you go hard for 20 seconds, and then you rest for 10 seconds, and then you go hard for 20 seconds, and you rest for 10 seconds. | ||
| And you do like eight rounds of those. | ||
| It's fucking intense. | ||
| And then you jump on over to the row machine. | ||
| The row machine is another one, a similar number. | ||
| It's like 30 hard, 30 off, something like that. | ||
| And then you go to the Versaclimber and you plug in something. | ||
| Did you turn 50 yet? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I'm 50. I'm almost 51. I'll be 51 in August. | ||
| It's really interesting what I've learned and what I've read about 50. I saw a picture of Carol O'Connor. | ||
| About a year ago, when he was 46 years old, he was doing Archie Bunker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was? | |
| 46. Jesus. | ||
| 46. Whoa, go to that. | ||
| Give me a picture of Archie Bunker. | ||
| Is this when he stopped or when he started? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It was a picture of him in 46. And I was like, there has to be a better way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see that. | |
| I saw... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You know, this is what America... | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| ...wanted you to look like at 46 and 47. And you were like, look at that, dude. | ||
| He looked like, well, maybe that was like in the later years. | ||
| There's a funny thing, right? | ||
| The lovable racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like the last of, like, he represented a real guy that might have had racist views that were kind of funny, and he was in some way endearing, because he was like such a good actor, and he was such a good character, and it was so well written, and his relationship with his wife and his kids and with Meathead. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing was, it was a brilliant show. | ||
| Well, it's such a well-crafted show. | ||
| When Sammy Davis kissed him on the lips. | ||
| When he found the Puerto Ricans' dude in the wallet, while the Puerto Rican guy comes over, they're talking, and he looks at his wife in front of the Puerto Rican, and he goes, Alice, don't you stand there, offer him something. | ||
| And she goes, I don't know what he likes. | ||
| And he goes, I don't know what Puerto Ricans drink. | ||
| And he looks at him, and the guy's smiling, and I'm like, And he looks at him like, I don't know, a Puerto Rican's drink. | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| How about some pineapple juice? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| The guy looks at him, you get thrown off the air today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it wasn't hateful racism. | |
| It was Queens racism. | ||
| Well, first of all, pineapple juice is delicious. | ||
| And why is it racist that a dude from an island would want some pineapple juice? | ||
| I would think that you'd be, like, culturally sensitive to, like, introduce that possibility. | ||
| If I said to you... | ||
| You have a tradition of drinking pineapple juice in your country. | ||
| In today's society, if I said to you, listen, I'm leaving here, I'm going to Chinatown to get fireworks, if somebody heard me say it to you right now, tomorrow we'd get fucking... | ||
| Yeah, we'd have a problem. | ||
| I would have a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, everybody knows that 20 years ago right now, I'd be heading to Chinatown in New York City getting fucking a mat of fireworks, 144 bottle rockets, a couple of Roman candles. | ||
| You know what's the most stupid, man, is that the food is somehow racist. | ||
| Like, there's food that's racist food. | ||
| Like, if you talked about black people and also talked about delicious fried chicken or delicious orange soda or grape soda, it would be grape soda, right? | ||
| Not orange soda. | ||
| Orange soda's white people. | ||
| Yeah, orange soda's a white people thing, right? | ||
| White trash? | ||
| Orange soda? | ||
| No? | ||
| Is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not that I'm anti-orange soda, but I'm saying those foods, like watermelon in particular, if you talk about a black person and you talk about watermelon, that's a racist term even though watermelon's delicious. | ||
| It's fucking weird. | ||
| What the hell could be wrong about watermelon? | ||
| If you don't like the taste of watermelon, if it's a hot summer day and somebody busts open a cooler and gives you a slice of watermelon, how fucking pumped are you? | ||
| How could watermelon ever be negative? | ||
| That don't make any sense to me. | ||
| It makes zero sense. | ||
| And the only way it makes sense that fried chicken could be negative to you is if you're a vegan or a vegetarian and you don't want to eat a chicken. | ||
| That's the only way it makes sense that that would be a negative. | ||
| Because otherwise, fried chicken is fucking delicious. | ||
| Who doesn't like fried chicken? | ||
| If you eat meat, Fried chicken is something, you smell it, and you, oh, someone's really good at making it, and they got a nice flaky layer on the outside, you bite into that juicy, perfectly cooked chicken. | ||
| Lee's fried chicken in Tennessee. | ||
| Jesus, Joseph, and Mary. | ||
| The spices, you get in the spices. | ||
| A little Lee's fried chicken, Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's places that know how to do some fried chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| How could that be bad? | ||
| How could that ever be racist? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| We've got to let that go. | ||
| I'm going to tell you a racist thought, but not really. | ||
| Like Saturday, I went to the park with my daughter. | ||
| I'm sitting there, and I saw a Hasidic Jew on Sunday with the beanie and his wife with glasses. | ||
| I was in Sherman Oaks, and he had a $10 bill sticking out of his pocket. | ||
| And I wanted to work my fucking pickpocketing skills. | ||
| I wanted to see if I could still pickpocket a motherfucker. | ||
| I even had my daughter bumping into his leg and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't pickpocket a Jew, dog. | |
| You can't do it. | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, that was my first fucking dream. | ||
| To pickpocket a Jew? | ||
| I watched a movie with our boy in it and Michael Saracen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| The first pickpocket movie is called Harry in Your Pocket with our boy in your Flint. | ||
| In like Flint. | ||
| James Colburn. | ||
| James Colburn was in a pickpocket movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Nobody knows about it. | ||
| It's like the America's greatest secret. | ||
| And they would work airports and shit like that. | ||
| Harry in your pocket. | ||
| So I hunted down my mom. | ||
| I used to hear them talk about this Cuban pickpocket guy in Cuba in the 50s and 40s. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| What did you do with him? | ||
| You did something with him, right? | ||
| Yeah, I did two things with him. | ||
| I did American Gun with him, and I did Arliss with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Arliss is up. | |
| You can find Arliss. | ||
| It's online. | ||
| Somebody just posted it a while ago. | ||
| I forgot about Arliss. | ||
| That's one of those shows that I forgot about. | ||
| But I watched him and I asked this guy, how do you become a pickpocket? | ||
| I bumped into him at a Cuban joint. | ||
| There was a rumor going around that he was a good pickpocket in Cuban. | ||
| He goes, you got to get a dummy and put bells on the pockets. | ||
| So I went, and I don't know how I got a little dummy, and I put bells on. | ||
| And fucking years I tried to be a pickpocket, but I had big hands. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta have those slender fingers. | ||
| You gotta have those slender fingers. | ||
| Slender piano player fingers. | ||
| You put little bells on fucking pockets, and you bump into them and shit. | ||
| I'm very light-footed. | ||
| That I am. | ||
| I was a good burglar because I could tiptoe. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's when my years are tiptoeing on the dummy to try to take the wallet from the dummy. | ||
| I could just never fucking pickpocket the dummy. | ||
| It's great that you're doing so many different things, though. | ||
| It's really cool to hear. | ||
| You're rolling, you're doing some Muay Thai. | ||
| And the rolling has really improved because at first, you can't roll. | ||
| I dropped the weight because I figured for every five pounds, it'd be a little bit more cardio. | ||
| Plus, I got the Boss Rootin mouthpiece. | ||
| I spoke to him yesterday, guys. | ||
| You like that thing, huh? | ||
| I really believe in it. | ||
| I saw what it helped me. | ||
| Do you use it while you're working out? | ||
| I use it when I walk. | ||
| You're walking. | ||
| When I walk. | ||
| I take a walk in the morning, 20, 30 minutes. | ||
| Explain to people what it is. | ||
| The Boss Root and Mouthpiece is on Amazon. | ||
| It's in his webpage. | ||
| I saw it because he was on Joe. | ||
| Talking about it. | ||
| I was having such a struggle with my breathing. | ||
| I was having such a struggle, but it was just common sense. | ||
| Number one, I smoked cigarettes for 20 years. | ||
| Number two, I smoked reefer for 40 years, but all those are just excuses. | ||
| The number one thing was the wait. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| What a handsome bastard. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Yeah, he's such a handsome motherfucker. | ||
| Handsome motherfucker. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| He's one of the best people I know. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| A great brown belt told me that whenever he rolls, he can feel the difference when he's 10 pounds heavy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| He goes, oh, Joey, whenever I go to my mother's and I come back that first week, it's brutal. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| And I go, so if I'm walking around at 309 trying to be fucking Eddie, it's not going to work. | ||
| So I just started chopping on the weight. | ||
| I went back to Weight Watchers. | ||
| I walked in there at 310. I heard they have a bunch of different rules now. | ||
| Like what you can eat and what you can't eat. | ||
| Let me tell you something, bro. | ||
| You can eat as many eggs as you want. | ||
| I'm going to look you in the face and tell you something. | ||
| I'm going to look you in the face and tell you something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| Because you know you and I always have this conversation. | ||
| If you're heavy and you don't go to Weight Watchers, it's because you're a fucking loser. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's a strong pitch. | ||
| It's that easy. | ||
| It's that easy. | ||
| Because I'm an idiot. | ||
| You enjoy it. | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| Here, Papa. | ||
| Here, Papa. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| That's my guide. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's my guide. | ||
| Oh, so you put everything you eat into this app? | ||
| Into the app. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Okay, it comes with them. | ||
| Let me show you what else I got. | ||
| Lunch, dinner. | ||
| Snacks. | ||
| Snacks total. | ||
| And then you count it out by points? | ||
| Is that what they do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Points. | |
| They do it themselves. | ||
| And how many points do you get in a day? | ||
| 39. Now, let's say, Joey, would you eat that? | ||
| Give me that can of coffee. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Give me that one on top of it if you don't mind. | ||
| Pink? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| So you scan that, and then it'll tell you how many... | ||
| I don't think that has many calories in it. | ||
| Does coffee, plain coffee, have calories? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Maybe a couple. | ||
| But not really. | ||
| It's when you get the fucking milkshake coffees for breakfast. | ||
| And the fucking flat white. | ||
| Even a flat white don't kill you. | ||
| Alright, this isn't in there. | ||
| It's not in there. | ||
| But you go like this, boom. | ||
| And then you got this, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You ready? | ||
| You press this over here. | ||
| And you press this here. | ||
| And you press this here. | ||
| And they give you points for whatever you do. | ||
| Walk, circuit training. | ||
| Then you have custom. | ||
| So I press Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| You go to an hour class. | ||
| How much do you really fucking roll? | ||
| 15 minutes. | ||
| If you go to an hour class, you're doing technique, he teaches you how to do the drill, and he tells you a joke, so you're pressing 15, done, and then you press the intensity, where you breathe like an atom. | ||
| I just bet seven points. | ||
| You leave this in your phone, in your pocket, you put this in your pocket, and fucking guess what happens? | ||
| It counts the steps. | ||
| When I went to Disneyland, that burnt 31 fucking points. | ||
| So it's all the eggs I could eat for breakfast. | ||
| So for breakfast, I go to John's and I got a seated row. | ||
| Even if I give myself four fucking points for the row, five points for the row, six points for the row, I put two eggs in that motherfucker, which is 14 grams of protein. | ||
| And I put a thin slice of Thuman's, Boar's head American cheese, and some Frank's hot sauce on that motherfucker. | ||
| How you gonna talk to me? | ||
| What do you want to talk to me about? | ||
| So, you essentially can eat anything you want, as long as you know what the points are, you get a certain amount of points. | ||
| Fish? | ||
| I can outfish you for days. | ||
| So I'll leave here and go to fucking Sushi Dan, and I'll get the crunchy albacore, which is, I can't wait for Rogan to visit me. | ||
| It's sliced albacore, covered with jalapenos, onion and garlic cloves. | ||
| Is it possible, let me ask you this, is it possible that you could eat just all eggs all day and have zero points? | ||
| Zero points. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Eggs all day. | ||
| Scrambled eggs all day. | ||
| That sounds crazy. | ||
| Fish all day. | ||
| Sea bass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day. | |
| If you could eat salmon and sea bass all day. | ||
| Chicken breast. | ||
| No skin. | ||
| No skin. | ||
| All motherfucking day. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Chicken breast. | ||
| Not chicken cutlets like mom made with Italian breadcrumbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's fried. | ||
| Grilled chicken on the breast with red crushed peppers and a baked potato. | ||
| Five points for the baked potato. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| So you want to tell me again how... | ||
| Listen, it's not a fucking race. | ||
| See, before, it's only healthy to lose like a pound, a pound and a half a week. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| That's what it really is. | ||
| That's what they say? | ||
| Anything after that, you're going into that loser show where they lost all that weight at one shot. | ||
| And then that's why all these diets and stuff that you have to do something that you're going to do forever. | ||
| I've always liked this. | ||
| I lost 100 pounds with this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I gained 40, and now I lost another 30. That's awesome. | ||
| And it hasn't been killing me. | ||
| Like, I don't miss nothing. | ||
| You know what I learned? | ||
| I didn't know this. | ||
| I would go get an acai bowl. | ||
| America thinks an acai bowl is great. | ||
| Let me explain something to you. | ||
| Eating a banana and putting a banana in a blender is two different things. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| One day I was making one of those because I switched. | ||
| I have Onnit protein, which I used, the vanilla or the chocolate, the Mexican chocolate. | ||
| And then I have this other one that's a paleo-type protein. | ||
| It's coconut milk. | ||
| And I used that one. | ||
| And one day I said, let me put a banana in this motherfucker just to see. | ||
| And I'm like, damn, this is delicious. | ||
| I'm on to something. | ||
| I gained weight that week. | ||
| I didn't know what it was. | ||
| From the banana? | ||
| When you blend a banana, it's eight points. | ||
| What? | ||
| When you eat a banana, it's ugats. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's zero points. | ||
| How's that for you? | ||
| Because when you eat fruit and when you drink fruit, it's two different things. | ||
| That's why all these fat people, when you see them going, I don't eat breakfast, I drink a smoothie. | ||
| You're killing yourself. | ||
| You are killing yourself every time you puree fruit because when you eat fruit, the saliva in your mouth breaks the fruit down and it digests the sugar a different way. | ||
| When you bypass that enzyme in your mouth, that's when you get 300 pounds like Uncle Joey. | ||
| So when you drink fruit, I don't care if they tell you, oh, it's frozen fruit, you lose some of the sugar. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Once you fucking blend that fruit, you're dead. | ||
| Because it goes right into your system. | ||
| It goes right into your system. | ||
| Break down all the fiber and all that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to eat food any other way other than the way that comes when you eat it. | ||
| You could go to that fucking little Mexican stand with the umbrellas. | ||
| You ever see those guys? | ||
| The cartel delivery? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| Yeah, that's where the cartel drops off that money. | ||
| Shake them down. | ||
| They got $300,000 under that. | ||
| Guys over there cutting fruit with a machete. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I dare you to go up there. | |
| When you see a cartel umbrella, that's a cartel money. | ||
| They got tons of money in those things. | ||
| They just confuse people. | ||
| They even got them across the street from one another. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's Starbucks type shit. | ||
| Don't you think they're just poor people that are trying to make some money? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| You know how many apples you got to sell to fucking pay rent in these days and times? | ||
| Nobody stands out there. | ||
| Look at those Mexicans. | ||
| They don't even use SPF. They're out there raw with no fucking umbrella out there. | ||
| They look darker than dark. | ||
| They get dark. | ||
| You know what you got to pay me to stand out there all fucking day in this weather? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| A lot. | ||
| They got like 200 a day, 300 a day. | ||
| Not because they're cutting apples up. | ||
| Because a guy comes playing Pancho and takes what's underneath him and takes it straight to Mexico on Thursdays and nobody sees nothing. | ||
| Every time you eat that fruit, it's sprinkled with cocaine. | ||
| Eat some of that fruit with them. | ||
| Watch the energy. | ||
| You get like that boxer, Roy Floyd. | ||
| Can't they just be poor farmers? | ||
| Because that's how nice people like you think. | ||
| For me, I'm a criminal. | ||
| I see people for what it is. | ||
| I see things for what it is. | ||
| I'm trying to sell Lee to a rehab. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I got a friend that's got a rehab. | ||
| You go down there. | ||
| Lee? | ||
| Why are you trying to send Lee to a rehab? | ||
| Because he can make money. | ||
| There's a bunch of rehabs in Florida you go to. | ||
| And they get your insurance, and they bang your insurance for 60, and then they give you a cut back at 30. I totally... | ||
| Let me send you down there to my buddies. | ||
| Give me 10%. | ||
| I get three grand. | ||
| You go down there, get acupuncture, they give you a few massages. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| The rehab business is... | ||
| Imagine who Lee Syatt would be in terms of his marijuana consumption. | ||
| Imagine where he would be if it wasn't for you. | ||
| That guy, when you first started having him on your show, when you guys first started doing your shows together... | ||
| He had smoked pot maybe three times in college. | ||
| A couple months in, he's done superhero doses of edibles. | ||
| A couple months in. | ||
| Little by little, little by little. | ||
| Yeah, but when you would sneak them in on them, and you would take away a 250 and put in a 500 and rewrap it. | ||
| Well, what I would do is, I'd get this one. | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| The Joey Diaz. | ||
| Co-star in the Church of What's Happening Now is completely asleep at the wheel. | ||
| He's on the show, and his eyes are almost totally closed. | ||
| He's barely a slit, and he's just dazed. | ||
| Who's the guest? | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| It's Rayden Basia, a kid that I told on this podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him, look at him, look at him. | |
| Yeah, he can't take enough of him. | ||
| He's so hot. | ||
| What is the name of this video, Jamie? | ||
| Lee in Outer Space. | ||
| Lee Sia in Outer Space. | ||
| Look at him go! | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| I would get these, okay? | ||
| I would go over there in the afternoons, and I would get a 180, and I would rip the cover off the 180. And I would take a 67, 60 milligram one, and I'd eat that one. | ||
| It was like two in the afternoon. | ||
| They don't do nothing to me. | ||
| I'd eat like a 60, and I'd take the 180 and put it in the 60 wrapper. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And then I'd bring it to him, put it on the table, and in front of him, I'd go, here. | ||
| And I'd open it up for him, and he wouldn't see that it was half-opened already. | ||
| And I would give him the 60. Like, last night, I gave him an expired one. | ||
| I want to add a little bit of mold on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to be a good comic. | |
| He's gonna be a good comic. | ||
| Look at Eleanor. | ||
| Eleanor sat there for 15 years, shut her mouth, and watched. | ||
| There's a really special gift to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whether you think Eleanor's funny or not, whether you agree with her or not, I give her the balls. | ||
| A lot of people don't like just sitting there and watching. | ||
| There's a lot of people that do, though. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of people that work in and around comedy clubs that probably want to do it. | ||
| They just don't know how to get started. | ||
| You know, they just don't have it in them to get the ball rolling. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to try something new. | ||
| You keep thinking about when's the right time to do it? | ||
| Is it now? | ||
| Maybe should I wait a week? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to lose 10 pounds, and then I'm going to try it. | ||
| And you get all these things in your head. | ||
| How long did it take you? | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Honest, honest, honest engine. | ||
| Well, my birthday was August 11th. | ||
| And when I turned 21 was August 11th of 2000, or 1988 rather. | ||
| So I got on stage August 27th. | ||
| So from my birthday to when I got on stage was just a few days. | ||
| Was it nerves? | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| I was trying to chicken out. | ||
| Jonathan Katz was the emcee and I was maybe going to get up it was one of those things where I signed up for the list you know you get I think it was five minutes and there's a bunch of people that are gonna do five minutes and Jonathan Katz who was already an established stand-up comedian he really funny guy and he was the host and he's like he came up to me he said let me check in a half an hour in to see if I can get young sometimes people wouldn't show up and so a half an hour in I'm thinking, | ||
| I'm just going to chicken out. | ||
| I'm just going to bail. | ||
| I'm just going to tell him, forget about it. | ||
| And when I'm thinking this in my head, I walked up to him and he says, I got you in, Joe. | ||
| So you'll be going up right here and you'll have five minutes. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| And I said, alright, thanks, man. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was ready to pussy out, dude. | ||
| I was totally ready to pussy out. | ||
| And I was so nervous. | ||
| The first time I went on stage, I was fucking terrified. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| What was the name of the place? | ||
| Stitches. | ||
| Stitches Comedy Club. | ||
| August 27, 1988. I was terrified, dude. | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| I couldn't believe. | ||
| I was scared. | ||
| It didn't make any sense to me. | ||
| I didn't think I was going to be scared. | ||
| I thought maybe I'd be a little nervous. | ||
| I'd never performed before. | ||
| So this idea of doing it, I was like, well, you know, I've taught taekwondo classes in front of people before. | ||
| I can talk in front of people. | ||
| And then I thought about the idea of doing stand-up in front of people. | ||
| What the fuck made this go down? | ||
| It took me... | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It took me... | ||
| A year to think about it, and then it snowed, and I couldn't go to work because you can't roof in Colorado. | ||
| So I rented Punchline. | ||
| Oh, with Tom Hanks and Sally Fields? | ||
| Angel Salazar, Damon Wayans, a bunch of people in that movie. | ||
| I watched Punchline, and that pissed me the fuck off. | ||
| Like that was it. | ||
| I went on the Yellow Pages. | ||
| I found comedy clubs. | ||
| I called them. | ||
| And Comedy Works offered a Tuesday night open mic. | ||
| How do I get on? | ||
| You have to call in and they'll give you three minutes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So for two months I called in. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And then one night they're like, Joe Diaz. | ||
| And I called him back that night. | ||
| I'm sick. | ||
| I got the flu. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going down there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then I was roofing. | ||
| I'm roofing, I'm roofing, I'm roofing. | ||
| I'm estimating jobs. | ||
| I'm going to different jobs and dropping off material. | ||
| I had two crews working. | ||
| And I went to one crew and they go, hey man, we're stuck here on this job. | ||
| Can you get us the morning break? | ||
| And I go, yeah, I'll go over there. | ||
| And I went over to this little diner right off the fucking 30, whatever, that I-70? | ||
| Is that I-70 or I-25? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The one in Denver. | ||
| It was like an industrial area, trucks everywhere. | ||
| I don't remember what the number that road is. | ||
| We were doing a road there, but there was a place around the corner, Jamie, that had the best fucking green chili you've ever had in your fucking life. | ||
| And when you poured them over fucking scrambled eggs, your dick would get fucking harder than fuck. | ||
| With two tortillas, are you kidding me? | ||
| To eat up those fucking two... | ||
| Huevos rancheros. | ||
| I walk over there, I sit down, And you know how there's always a paper, like in front of you, you ever go to a diner or something, there's always a paper, somebody read. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I sit down and I give the waitress the order. | ||
| I'm sitting there and I look over and I went like this, just out of, you know how you just go like that to the middle? | ||
| And when I opened it said, do you want to be a stand-up comic? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And it was an article about how Roseanne became a stand-up comic and now because of Denver, she had just blown up. | ||
| Like Roseanne had just blown up. | ||
| It was maybe March of 91. Roseanne had just blown up. | ||
| Denver was a hotbed, Jack. | ||
| Everybody was drinking the water. | ||
| Everybody wanted to see what Roseanne was doing, so it had a big thing about Roseanne, and it had all these open mic spots, and it had classes that you could take. | ||
| And there was a class in Boulder for $33. | ||
| Three Sundays in a row at the University of Colorado, part of the continuing education. | ||
| The guy that taught it, his name was Jeff Harms. | ||
| And I went the first Sunday, did okay. | ||
| Went the second Sunday, did okay. | ||
| And the third Sunday, I performed. | ||
| And on the way out, he took me aside and he goes, I don't know how serious you are about this, but you're onto something. | ||
| If you want to do it, let me know. | ||
| And I left there going, I want to sell coke. | ||
| Fucking crack, stupid fucking jokes. | ||
| I want to crack fucking jokes. | ||
| If I want to do anything, I'll be a pickpocket, a fucking magician, and fucking come up with birds and shit. | ||
| I swear to God, like, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| I want to sell coke. | ||
| I don't want to fucking be a comedian. | ||
| And then about a month later, I saw an ad in the paper for doormen for comedy clubs. | ||
| And I called it up, and they said, come up. | ||
| And on the way there, I called Jeff. | ||
| He gave me his number, because he said, if you want to get on stage, just call me. | ||
| I'll put you up somewhere. | ||
| And I go, there's a job for a doorman at Wits End. | ||
| Do you think I could get it? | ||
| And he goes, I'll call the guy right now. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Just drive there and fill out the app and tell him you're friends with me. | ||
| And they made me a doorman slash sound guy. | ||
| And the bar back quit. | ||
| So I was the door guy, sound guy, and the bar back. | ||
| And after about six months, I had two jobs. | ||
| I hated going home. | ||
| I had a marriage that was just fucking, just like the ones we all talk about, when you cannot go home. | ||
| It's not your home anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I would basically leave at six, come home at five, take a shower, eat whatever fucking crap she cooked, give the baby a kiss, and I'd get in my truck and go back to Westminster. | ||
| It was a club away from the Comedy Works. | ||
| It was in Westminster. | ||
| But it didn't get the best people in the world. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You got toothless people in there and people who poach bears and shit like that. | ||
| So I started there. | ||
| And then in the middle of all that, it took me two months to get a spot from Wendy. | ||
| And then I went down there. | ||
| Ed Nichols saw me, one of the original owners of the Comedy Store with Wendy with the Comedy... | ||
| What's the name? | ||
| Comedy Works? | ||
| Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| He was one of the original owners with Wendy. | ||
| Ed Nichols saw me and told me to keep coming back. | ||
| But I knew when I walked off that stage that life as I knew it had ended. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Whatever I thought life was at that point had gone out the window. | ||
| Saturday was fucked up for me because Saturday I was supposed to be somewhere this week but I couldn't go. | ||
| I had to go to my friend's mother's 80th birthday party. | ||
| And why it was important, it was in Philly. | ||
| It was away from Philly. | ||
| She's in an old folks home because they're the second family that took me in when my mom died. | ||
| Like, they took me in a crucial spot, Joe. | ||
| Like, you're throwing me out. | ||
| I'm 17. And I got nowhere to go. | ||
| I couldn't go to my stepfather. | ||
| So I had an aunt in New York that I could live with, and I had a godmother in Harlem. | ||
| And I didn't want to live with both of them, Joe. | ||
| I just mentioned to a friend one day, we were out snorting coke and drinking, and I told him, I go, where I'm staying, they're going to throw me out any day now. | ||
| And he wasn't even good friends with me. | ||
| And about a week later, I saw him at school. | ||
| And he goes, Hey, man, I talked to my father. | ||
| You can move in with us. | ||
| That was whose birthday it was on Saturday. | ||
| You know, so when I got off the phone with her, I was thinking about how important they were to me. | ||
| But I still remember being 17 and sitting on that hill on 86th and Kennedy Boulevard, thinking about how I had nowhere to go, bro. | ||
| Like, this was my only shot. | ||
| Like, I had nowhere to go. | ||
| Like nowhere. | ||
| There wasn't like a homeless chandelier. | ||
| I didn't know where the fuck to go. | ||
| I probably had $10 in my pocket. | ||
| And then the younger brother ran up to hell and he goes, Dog, they're waiting for you to come to eat the dinner. | ||
| Come over there. | ||
| I had never met the parents. | ||
| How lucky am I, Joe Rogan? | ||
| I never met the parents. | ||
| That's pretty lucky. | ||
| And I walked in, and they had like six kids, and it wasn't like what I was used to living. | ||
| They had no air conditioner. | ||
| The parents were blue-collar, and they took me in, and they made me a part of their home. | ||
| Never asked me for rent. | ||
| Wasn't the fucking best house on the block. | ||
| But to this day, I'm tight with all the four brothers and sisters. | ||
| It's like we're all one big family. | ||
| But think how fucking lucky. | ||
| I'm not even talking about being thankful for the comedy bridge. | ||
| Just the personal bridge that I went over. | ||
| I was a killer. | ||
| At that point, I had lost all faith in humanity. | ||
| I was done. | ||
| I wasn't a Catholic no more. | ||
| I was just waiting to kill somebody. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all I was waiting on. | ||
| It's such a weird... | ||
| Like, I'm not even worried about the comedy bridge no more. | ||
| It was the personal bridge where I grew the most, you know? | ||
| I don't even know how we got in this conversation. | ||
| This weed is killing me. | ||
| It's good weed. | ||
| They're gonna kill the good weed now, right? | ||
| Is that what's happening? | ||
| How does this work? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I still got some guys. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure you do. | ||
| I mean, legally. | ||
| But legally. | ||
| It'll still be available for medicinal people who have cards. | ||
| So we gotta get a card? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Recreational, it's gonna be dumped out a little bit. | ||
| Gotta renew that card, son. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I gotta renew that card. | ||
| I don't want any of your bullshit weed. | ||
| I don't want any of your fucking watered down weed. | ||
| What are they gonna do? | ||
| They gotta water it down? | ||
| How much? | ||
| 18%. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| But never fear. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Isn't that strong enough? | ||
| Uncle Joey's here. | ||
| Look, look, look. | ||
| Crazy assholes. | ||
| Never fear. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| We got a DEA one too. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| What do you think you're dealing with here? | ||
| Joey Bananas? | ||
| We got state, federal. | ||
| We got them coming from all over. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| DEA. Fuck yeah. | ||
| Just in case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Just in case. | ||
| Just in case we don't end up like fucking Tom Cruise, an American maid. | ||
| I was looking at the medicinal rules in Ohio recently. | ||
| You can't grow your own there if you have a card. | ||
| Yeah, they're sneaky with that shit, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hopefully people eventually vote that out, but you had to get it in there first. | ||
| That's the only way it would have passed. | ||
| They have everything wired up. | ||
| But it's a victory because it's going to be very difficult to make it illegal now that it's legal. | ||
| It's going to be very difficult to go backwards. | ||
| So then you have to figure out, like, why do these companies have a monopoly on making it? | ||
| If it's legal, why can't you make it yourself? | ||
| Aren't tomatoes legal? | ||
| I can grow tomatoes, can't I? You could even probably grow, like, do you need a tax stamp or something to grow tobacco? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Maybe to sell it. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Like, if you wanted to grow your own tobacco, would you be able to do that? | ||
| Like, if you said, I want to make my own fucking pipes and, you know, fill them with my own tobacco. | ||
| I want to make my own cigars. | ||
| Could you do that? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| For personal use? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So if you could do that federally, and then they're saying you can't, in Ohio, you can't grow your own weed? | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| Would you grow your own weed? | ||
| Do you even know what you're doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I wouldn't. | |
| You're like me. | ||
| I don't know a dick about nothing. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I don't know a dick about it. | ||
| I wouldn't do it. | ||
| But you should be able to. | ||
| If it's legal, of course you should be able to grow it. | ||
| It's a fucking plant. | ||
| Nobody should have a monopoly. | ||
| So where can you not grow it? | ||
| Where can you not grow it? | ||
| In Ohio, if you have a card. | ||
| Here's the worry. | ||
| The worry is that you wouldn't charge taxes. | ||
| You would keep the money. | ||
| You wouldn't be accurate. | ||
| You just do it with cash. | ||
| You do cash transactions. | ||
| That's the worry. | ||
| But that would be a tax worry. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| Is that what they're saying? | ||
| That's what it is for tobacco, too, yeah. | ||
| You can grow as much as you want. | ||
| You just can't sell it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But they're not even allowed to grow their own for personal use when it comes to marijuana. | ||
| So it's more restrictive than tobacco, which is hilarious. | ||
| Silly fucks. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that make any sense to you? | |
| We have some wacky laws that we let sneak through. | ||
| Like, why would you let other people decide that different people in this group can't grow a plant that's legal now? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| That's a dumb rule. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| No edibles over a hundred. | ||
| No weed that's loose anymore. | ||
| So if I come into your store and I go, what do you got? | ||
| You can't open up the container and show me the butter and let me smell it. | ||
| They all have to be sealed and stuff. | ||
| There's just a lot of silly rules. | ||
| I don't know which ones they don't. | ||
| I'm very happy I found this bag of expired fucking Chiba Chews from 2015. And they're still good? | ||
| Listen, you know me, I make it work. | ||
| Are they diminished in any way? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| A couple of them have a little bit of mold on them. | ||
| You just take the mold off. | ||
| I put a little brown nail polish on it and nobody knows nothing. | ||
| You just eat it like nothing. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| A little mold never killed nobody. | ||
| Molds help people. | ||
| Penicillin, right? | ||
| Penicillin came from some mold, didn't it? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| It's so crazy how you see it with your kids. | ||
| You see it with your kids. | ||
| I took my kid to science camp. | ||
| And when I came from Cuba, I had a lot of problems medically here when I came to this country. | ||
| And one of them was the allergies. | ||
| The allergies were completely different. | ||
| It's different than when I was used in a different country. | ||
| They're fucking mind boggling. | ||
| So my allergy, if you ever hear me make that noise, you ever hear me do that? | ||
| That's because I can't scratch the back of my throat like normal people. | ||
| You know how normal people do that noise? | ||
| So you're all sealed up up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The first week of camp, I saw my daughter do shit, and I felt so bad for her. | ||
| She would try to scratch her nose, and I would see her get frustrated, Joe Rogan, just scratching and scratching and scratching, and now it's gone. | ||
| Three weeks into summer camp. | ||
| She don't scratch no more. | ||
| How come? | ||
| Because you build up your fucking immune system. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's so weird how you see it in front of you now. | ||
| You see it. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| I saw it in front of me. | ||
| Like, I went right to my wife and I go, let me tell you something. | ||
| You better take it to the fucking doctor and get her fucking tonsils out because that's the shit that started with me at that age. | ||
| When I came from Cuba, right away, I was in the hospital on a weekly level, dog. | ||
| Weekly. | ||
| Between the tonsils and the fucking allergies and the asthma. | ||
| And the asthma. | ||
| But my mother didn't pay attention to the asthma. | ||
| That's why I don't have it today. | ||
| Like, I might have bits and pieces of it, but I don't have it. | ||
| Mercy's got it. | ||
| My daughter's got it. | ||
| They gotta do the fucking inhaler and the whole thing. | ||
| Asthma's fucking rough. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| I've seen people have asthma attacks, and you can hear the wheezing. | ||
| You have no fucking idea, so I have to work it from a different angle. | ||
| What can they do? | ||
| Like, if someone doesn't have an inhaler, and they have an asthma attack, is there a strategy or a technique? | ||
| My friends. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| From an asthma attack? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like us having a party right now. | ||
| Eating, having a great time, and I got an asthma attack. | ||
| And the inhaler opens up your lungs, lets them breathe, is that how it works? | ||
| My wife has the machine. | ||
| What's the machine? | ||
| We have a machine that blows some powder in it with a thing, and then there's a regular machine that my wife has, and then she has the inhaler. | ||
| My wife and her and the doctor have been working on different things. | ||
| She's healthy. | ||
| The kid's healthy as fuck. | ||
| She runs, she swims, jiu-jitsu, this, that, ballet. | ||
| It's four days a week we don't stop at that fucking house. | ||
| You see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, people, I love these people. | ||
| They think, oh, let's meet at 3.30. | ||
| You tell your mother to meet at 3.30. | ||
| 3.30 is when my day really starts. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I'm writing jokes at 8, not because I want to, because that's what I got. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I got. | ||
| That's what I got. | ||
| Because then I got this, that, this, that, and at 3 o'clock from Monday to fucking Friday, there's a different activity. | ||
| Sometimes you do three at a time, bro. | ||
| We go right from jujitsu right to the pool when she jumps in. | ||
| You think we could do an hour of jiu-jitsu and then go to a pool and swim for 45 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, Jack. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| People are like, nah, let's meet. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| I got ballet. | ||
| I got a thousand fucking activities during the week. | ||
| Kids are a little energy. | ||
| And if you don't burn that energy, then you deal with it from 7 to 9 when you're fucking trying to do your own shit and trying to get it together. | ||
| They're just constantly ready to go. | ||
| They're ready to go. | ||
| A couple weeks ago, she took her to the fucking zoo. | ||
| Six-hour walk around L.A. Zoo. | ||
| I get home at 4. She's like, what's the story? | ||
| We're going to the park? | ||
| I looked at my wife, like, parked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Took her to the park. | |
| Two hours on the monkey bars. | ||
| And then another hour at the fucking yogurt place, jumping up and down to music and Michael Jackson and fucking drawing fucking pictures. | ||
| Really, it's crazy being a fucking dad. | ||
| Especially because they don't know I kidnapped somebody. | ||
| She has no idea. | ||
| She has no idea I'm a savage. | ||
| So she thinks I'm on the up and up. | ||
| Like when we go to church and shit, she's like, Daddy, look at Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, nothing turns people more on the up and up than being a father. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| Yeah, it changes who you are. | ||
| You're responsible for these people now. | ||
| And you just... | ||
| You have to think of things differently. | ||
| You have to make sure that you provide. | ||
| You have to make sure that they're taken care of. | ||
| You've got to give them love. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's an intense world. | ||
| And you feel more vulnerable. | ||
| And it's just... | ||
| The whole... | ||
| The world around you opens up. | ||
| And you also have more empathy. | ||
| I have way more empathy for people. | ||
| Because I'm becoming... | ||
| You know, as you're... | ||
| Raising children you're seeing how they develop and then you're considering how other people Have been mistreated and how things have gone terribly wrong They've been abused and beaten and fucked up and then left in terrible situations and you realize that so much of what Happens with people with even terrible behavior comes from other terrible behavior like they didn't get a chance to stop the cycle And there are a | ||
| lot of people that we consider really bad people, violent people, people that do terrible things. | ||
| We don't even realize that so many of them are a product of violence. | ||
| They're a product of someone doing it to them. | ||
| They're trying to get back at the world for all the horrible shit that's been done to them. | ||
| And there was no one there to put a stop to it. | ||
| There was no one there to save them. | ||
| There was no one there to protect them. | ||
| And this is what we're seeing when we see fucked up people. | ||
| We always just think of it as fucked up people. | ||
| But that fucked up person is the product of some terrible things that have happened to them almost universally. | ||
| Almost every angry, fucked up person has come from a place where something has gone really wrong against them. | ||
| You're not angry and fucked up if everything's awesome. | ||
| If every day you're just getting ice cream, getting your dick sucked, and driving a Ferrari, and watching awesome movies. | ||
| Like, you know... | ||
| There's an anger that some people have, violent criminals in particular, that comes from someone doing that to them. | ||
| I had that anger, Joe. | ||
| I know you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had that anger from 1979. You had that shit when I met you. | |
| I had that anger, but no. | ||
| You had that when I met you. | ||
| I've seen it with people. | ||
| Well, let me explain some to you. | ||
| Where you wanted to attack people. | ||
| The anger was very... | ||
| All right, first of all, I was always a happy kid, but not really, because I was always confused about the death of my father. | ||
| So I always had a little certain unhappiness. | ||
| But I always had the Catholic faith. | ||
| I was really raised Catholic, and I always believed he was in heaven, and he was in that box when my mom did the things. | ||
| So that eased the pain a little bit. | ||
| Then my mother's death was just fucking horrifying. | ||
| And that broke the central nervous system, belief system. | ||
| That broke your belief in the world. | ||
| How can there be a God that takes a mother away from a child? | ||
| When you're 16 and you wrap that around your head, there's not a good result. | ||
| It's not going to be a good result. | ||
| So how I lashed out was by robbing you. | ||
| That was the only weapon I had in the world, was to rob you. | ||
| Joe Rogan fucked with me. | ||
| This studio would get robbed and lit on fucking fire. | ||
| And Joe knew it was me. | ||
| And what the fuck was he going to do? | ||
| I'm with Carmine. | ||
| What the fuck are you going to do? | ||
| Call the cops. | ||
| It's Carmen who's going to answer the phone. | ||
| Next time, don't fuck with me. | ||
| You'll know next time not to fuck with me. | ||
| When I tell you to give me that gram of coke and I'll pay you on Friday, you'll fucking give it to me, alright? | ||
| Because that's what it was. | ||
| It was simple shit like that. | ||
| Like, Joe, give me a hundred bucks. | ||
| I'm broke. | ||
| Joey, I don't have a hundred bucks. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now I'll rob your fucking house. | ||
| You should have given me a hundred bucks. | ||
| You know, I was lashing out at the fucking world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Number two, the other issue I had is I lost a child. | ||
| I lost a child. | ||
| I was not ready for that child at all. | ||
| I loved that little girl with all my heart, but I was not ready for her at all. | ||
| My intentions were good, but the result was not going to be well. | ||
| I was not ready. | ||
| And because I lost that child, and I'm in no contact with that child, it makes me the better father that I am today. | ||
| This is never going to happen to me again. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I see... | ||
| I see the... | ||
| We see daughters of comics. | ||
| We've seen daughters of comics and sons of comics. | ||
| And they're fucking lost. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't want my daughter to be fucking lost. | ||
| In that stupidity and in that world. | ||
| You have to be there, Joe. | ||
| We have to be there. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be there. | ||
| I'm trying to be there as much as I can. | ||
| You have to be engaged. | ||
| You have to be engaged. | ||
| Will your parents engage as much as you're engaged? | ||
| Not mine. | ||
| But I didn't want them around. | ||
| It was a different world. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was a different world. | ||
| But my parents were very open-minded. | ||
| What my parents gave to me that was really important was they're like the most non-judgmental, non-racist, non-homophobic people ever. | ||
| They don't judge about anything. | ||
| They were hippies. | ||
| You know, when my mom met my stepdad, he had crazy long hair and he had it like all till I was like almost in high school is when he cut it. | ||
| I was so happy when he cut it. | ||
| I was like, ugh. | ||
| Back then, dudes grew their hair long. | ||
| They were hippies, like legit hippies. | ||
| But because of that, I was raised around no racism, no homophobic. | ||
| We had no homophobic thoughts in our house. | ||
| That never came up. | ||
| We lived in San Francisco from the time I was seven till I was 11. We lived all in a serious gait. | ||
| The one thing that did disturb me though once, I was walking with my stepdad and some dude whistled at him. | ||
| Some dude was like... | ||
| I knew the dudes were gay, but there's a thing about when a dude is hitting on your straight stepdad and you're like, oh my goodness, this is ridiculous. | ||
| Like, guys are gross. | ||
| It makes you realize... | ||
| Doesn't even really make you realize what it would like to be a chick in that same exact experience. | ||
| See, I grew up completely different. | ||
| Not in my home. | ||
| Not in my home, but the surroundings. | ||
| You know, when I would walk down the corner, Mr. Otina would go, Spickaroo, where you going tonight? | ||
| Spickaroo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| There was a kid that I still talk to on Facebook. | ||
| His name was Luis Hernandez. | ||
| He's Dominican. | ||
| Joe, he's Dominican. | ||
| He's Dominican. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They called him Louie the nigga. | ||
| Constantly, Louie the nigga. | ||
| Guys, he's Dominican. | ||
| Do you think they gave a fuck? | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| You know, they didn't give a fuck. | ||
| People were just different then. | ||
| It's a different world we're talking about, right? | ||
| I remember there was a kid that is today gay. | ||
| I still talk to him. | ||
| He's my brother. | ||
| As a matter of fact, he's one of my brothers. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you. | ||
| He lives in Miami, he's got HIV. I mean, listen, if you didn't know he was gay when he was 12, there's something wrong with you. | ||
| But Mr. Altino used to call him, he was lighting the slippers. | ||
| You know, look at Jimmy, he's lighting the slippers. | ||
| You know, and you had to sit there and take it. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It should be okay for little Jimmy Light in the slippers. | ||
| Everybody should just let him be. | ||
| I let him be. | ||
| He was my best friend. | ||
| He had a dog named Tramp. | ||
| That was the dirtiest dog ever. | ||
| Like, he lived outside. | ||
| Tramp's skin, like when you pet the fucking thing, was the hardest. | ||
| It was like with those brushes. | ||
| You scrubbed like a metal brush. | ||
| Like, he lived outside, Tramp. | ||
| But he followed him everywhere. | ||
| He was beautiful. | ||
| I love Tramp. | ||
| Dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're very lucky because I... They're the best. | |
| They're the best pets. | ||
| You know, I grew up in an environment. | ||
| I'm standing with you and my man here. | ||
| We're on a corner. | ||
| We see a transgender person crossing the street. | ||
| You're like, look at the shape of this fucking guy. | ||
| As simple as that is, that's a judgment. | ||
| That's a judgment. | ||
| But it was more of a sense of humor. | ||
| Before we were looking at a picture of Archie Bunker, America understood it because they knew where he was coming from. | ||
| He wasn't saying nothing malicious. | ||
| It was a world where he came from. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the idea was that he was... | ||
| Reluctantly open to occasionally take in new information and learn from a show. | ||
| What's going on in America today? | ||
| Every guy's sitting at home fucking looking out a window peeking, waiting to fucking get me toed. | ||
| There's a thousand men at home waiting right now to get me fucking toed. | ||
| Every day a new guy gets fucking called out for something like that. | ||
| What's this going to be like in five years? | ||
| Nobody's going to be able to even ask for a fucking piece. | ||
| Right or wrong? | ||
| Nobody's going to go, hey, let me give you a little stab. | ||
| Let me give you a little buckaloosh. | ||
| I think... | ||
| There's going to come a time, and I don't think it's going to be very long, within 10 years, where we're going to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
| I think we're going to be able to communicate in a different way. | ||
| And I think it's just going to be step one into some sort of a technological world where we all read each other's minds. | ||
| We can connect together in some almost like telepathic web way. | ||
| This is obviously just an idea. | ||
| But I think that if technology continues to give us closer and closer access to people, we're going to lose all boundaries between what a person is. | ||
| And you're going to know everything about everyone's past. | ||
| And everyone's going to know everything about yours. | ||
| And it's going to be like some unlimited library of the mind. | ||
| You can travel through anyone's mind and read anyone's thoughts. | ||
| And as a hundred years goes by and the technology gets better and a thousand years go by, we're going to integrate. | ||
| We're going to figure out a way, whether it's in our grandchildren's lifetimes or their grandchildren's lifetimes. | ||
| And I think that cultural shifts and things that are happening in the news and people waking up to things that they think are horrible and people trying to correct the misdeeds of the past, all of that is us waking up in the middle of our culture and trying to... | ||
| Figure out what's right. | ||
| Figure out what's the healthy way to move forward. | ||
| Balance this thing out. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| We're waking up as grown adults trying to figure out our system. | ||
| And there's some injustices. | ||
| Those injustices have to be corrected, or at least recognized. | ||
| We have to understand what's the difference between normal male-female interaction and what's sexual harassment. | ||
| When is it when someone doesn't want you to do it? | ||
| When does it become a crime? | ||
| You don't want your daughter to ever experience that, and I don't want anybody that's a woman to experience real sexual harassment. | ||
| It's the worst fucking thing that could probably ever happen to you because you can't do anything physically about it. | ||
| Other than rape or being beaten up or murdered, it's a creepy place to be in. | ||
| I've had guys hit on me before. | ||
| Have you ever had a guy hit on you before? | ||
| Were you like, hey, where is this going? | ||
| I was like 13. I grabbed my dick. | ||
| I didn't know what to do. | ||
| I ran out of the car, but it was my fault for getting in the fucking car. | ||
| I also acknowledged it, and it never fucking happened again. | ||
| And I would go to gay theaters when I was a kid. | ||
| We thought it was a joke to go to a fucking porn show. | ||
| theater on a Sunday you're gonna point on a Sunday like with six of your stupid friends and go to the bathroom and there's always a guy that gets next to you in the store when you go pee and he looks at your dick and he smiles come on guys yeah I bumped into a lot of creep you've been out here first of all I'll tell you what bothers me about the current situation how it went off that this fucking place here has always been a fucking haven for sexual harassment I This fucking neighborhood down the corner here in Hollywood is where sexual harassment got invented. | ||
| Did you ever see all the stuff about Fatty Arbuckle? | ||
| I heard pieces about Fatty, but I don't need to know about Fatty. | ||
| I know about a chick named Marilyn Monroe that they passed around until they killed her. | ||
| I know about a guy named Liberace who used to suck your dick and fucking clean you out and then send you out into the fucking cold. | ||
| And worse, he would make you get plastic surgery so you looked like him. | ||
| Like you look like him. | ||
| That is one of the most intense things a person's ever made a person do. | ||
| And let me tell you something. | ||
| And let me tell you something else, too. | ||
| That's why we're fucking the elephants in the room. | ||
| The fucking where we hang out was known for a comedy fucking hell of den of sucking dick, too, for a lot of years at the comedy store. | ||
| A lot of dick sucking went down at the fucking comedy store. | ||
| I don't know how long Harvey Weinstein's been around, but there's a song by the Eagles in 1980 that was released on the fucking long run, their last album, and it's called The King of Hollywood. | ||
| On the way home, put it on, listen to it in the car. | ||
| You're gonna crash your car. | ||
| Called the king of fucking Hollywood. | ||
| And you're going to go, who the fuck were they talking about? | ||
| I mean, it just breaks it down. | ||
| It would be a shame to see all that talent go to waste. | ||
| You know, what are you willing to sacrifice? | ||
| Wouldn't it really be just nice? | ||
| Oh, you got to look at this shit. | ||
| Come sit down here beside me, honey. | ||
| Let's have a little heart to heart. | ||
| That's the fucking lyrics to this song. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| King of Hollywood, 1980. Nobody knew. | ||
| Now look at me and tell me, darling, how badly do you want this part? | ||
| Yeah, listen, you put men in positions of power and hiring women like that and that crazy position of when you're trying to cast something and you've got a hundred people that want it so bad and you're You know, you're some creepy dude. | ||
| Some people actually think that this would change their life. | ||
| If I came to you right now and said, Joe Rogan, you're fucking delivering papers in Boston. | ||
| You're going to have two shows. | ||
| You're going to have a podcast. | ||
| All you're going to do is lick my fucking balls. | ||
| One time. | ||
| Just swallow them deep. | ||
| But I want you to do that thing at the end. | ||
| Like dice? | ||
| Yeah, like dice. | ||
| Would you do it? | ||
| How much do I get and how long do I have to suck them for? | ||
| Because it's going to be over pretty quick. | ||
| This is a fucking career changer. | ||
| Clark Gable may just do that, right? | ||
| That's who they're talking about. | ||
| Oh, the King of Hollywood. | ||
| Was Clark Gable a... | ||
| Was he a gay man? | ||
| It was based off of a book, apparently. | ||
| All the stuff that was in there. | ||
| But was he alleged to be a gay man? | ||
| No, this is about straight time. | ||
| But there was also a book released in Hollywood in 1997 or 8 called You'll Never Work in This Town Again. | ||
| Oh, so those lyrics were about Clark Gable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought it was something else. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But then there was a book released in 1997 or 8 in this Hollywood called You'll Never Work in This Town Again. | ||
| And it was about a chick who described all her sexual relationships with a bunch of people in town. | ||
| And she described fucking Don Henley, the drummer from the Eagles, the guy that sings. | ||
| And he would get hookers to come up to the house. | ||
| Wouldn't even talk to them. | ||
| Line them up. | ||
| Turn around. | ||
| Don't even look at me. | ||
| Don't even make fucking eye contact with me. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| Bend over. | ||
| So he would sit on the couch. | ||
| With a robot with his dick out. | ||
| Snorting coke. | ||
| And they would all be in front of a fireplace bent over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where'd you hear this? | |
| This is in his book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You'll never work in this town again. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And he would fuck it. | ||
| He'd never eat lunch in this town again. | ||
| Oh, you'd never eat lunch in this town. | ||
| And he would take the thing, do a line of coke, get up, and walk up to one of them. | ||
| Spread them. | ||
| Putting them in their ass a little bit or their pussy. | ||
| Pump it twice and then go, I'll be back in five minutes. | ||
| And then he would go sit down, put his feet up, do another line. | ||
| And he would do that for eight hours. | ||
| Just get up, fuck one for five minutes and sit back down before he'd come. | ||
| So he would never crack a nut. | ||
| And he would just keep snorting to keep a heart on a lot. | ||
| So who the fuck knows? | ||
| Listen, you know, it's like they all threw Harvey under the bus, but these animals have been doing this since Jesus loves Chicago. | ||
| Since Jesus loves Chicago. | ||
| Listen, when I read that article about the Cuban Superman that Brando was sleeping with, what they blatantly talked about in that article was exactly what we're seeing today only behind closed doors. | ||
| That Cuba had become a haven for sex. | ||
| Where you could go see a fucking goat get fucked. | ||
| I mean, didn't they pass a rule this week in Mexico that a girl could get fucked if she's 12 years old? | ||
| You really need that rule? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's the rule you need in this society. | ||
| Is that really what just got passed? | ||
| Something! | ||
| That you could be... | ||
| 12 years old is the act of... | ||
| And this is in Mexico? | ||
| In Mexico. | ||
| It's the age of something. | ||
| Can you look that up, Jamie? | ||
| 12 fucking years old. | ||
| Why is a woman 12 years old? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| It is real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Can you fucking believe that? | ||
| Oh my God, look at this. | ||
| The federal law establishes at the age of 12 as the minimum age of consent, while the age at which there are no restrictions for consensual sexual activities is 18. Sex with someone 12 to 18 is not illegal per se, but can still be opened to prosecution under certain circumstances. | ||
| You believe this shit? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| So it's... | ||
| it's... | ||
| Age 12 is the age of minimum age of consent, but the age in which there are no restrictions for consensual sex is 18. So the idea is that sex between someone who's 12 and 18, it's not illegal, but they might be able to lock you up if you do something super creepy. | ||
| That is nuts, man. | ||
| You imagine if there was some person that just only went after 12 years old? | ||
| Now where is that? | ||
| That's in the United States or Mexico? | ||
| It's Mexico. | ||
| So that's why people would fly down there? | ||
| Actually, I typed in Mexico, but this is an article on Wikipedia about age and consent in North America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then it says federal law, so I'll find out. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What I just read was about North America? | ||
| How is that real? | ||
| I just saw North America, too, and that's why I asked them. | ||
| I'm sorry, not North America. | ||
| United States of America, right? | ||
| North America is Canada, too. | ||
| That is a not possible thing. | ||
| Is that really possible? | ||
| That 12 could be the age of consent anywhere? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 18, right? | |
| That's the federal law of Mexico. | ||
| Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You scared the shit out of me, Jamie. | ||
| No, the article was... | ||
| A kid fucking here in America? | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The article was about North America. | ||
| Age of consent in North America. | ||
| And there is states here where it's lower than 18. What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, there's a couple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe it's 14. Dude, is that real? | |
| It might have changed it recently. | ||
| Okay, so 12 are the ones... | ||
| Texas is 17. The 12 are the ones that were in white. | ||
| Which is, that's in Mexico, right? | ||
| Yeah, down here, yeah. | ||
| Okay, there are spots, and all the way up the coast, right? | ||
| Yeah, but that's still Mexico down here. | ||
| Yeah, that side, but that whole thing is 12 years old, is the age of consent? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The blue is all 16. Whew, that's a lot of states at 16. Yeah. | |
| That's kind of crazy. | ||
| A lot of fucking U.S. states at 16. That's crazy. | ||
| Excuse me? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Central America. | ||
| Oh, 14 to 18 in Central America. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That age of consent thing is bananas. | ||
| Go back to that little map again, please. | ||
| That is weird to look at. | ||
| I would have thought there would be way less of those. | ||
| 16. Look how many 16s there are. | ||
| And what are the darker ones? | ||
| Can you scroll all the way down so we can see the whole scale? | ||
| So 17 is that. | ||
| And then, wow. | ||
| Texas is 17. Green is 18. So it's only like Florida, California. | ||
| There's less greens and there are blues. | ||
| More the age of consent is 16. Is this current? | ||
| Is that possible this is not current? | ||
| It seems nuts. | ||
| Alaska 16 too? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I assumed it was all 18. I thought Florida was like eight. | ||
| You know, Florida could be like seven, six and a half. | ||
| You never know how fucking that crazy place. | ||
| That is a fucking crazy place. | ||
| That's where white people go to boogie. | ||
| It's an interesting place. | ||
| Didn't they have pain? | ||
| I just found out about it. | ||
| There was a time you'd go down and just buy pills over the fucking counter or something. | ||
| Go pain doctors, pain medication. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I just read this shit recently that that law got abolished or something. | ||
| That's why so many people left Florida. | ||
| There were people moving to Florida in droves just for those pain doctors in droves. | ||
| I didn't know about this shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a great documentary that we've talked about many times called the OxyContin Express and they sort of documented that whole route from Ohio and Kentucky and all the way down through Georgia, all the people that would go into Florida just to get pain pills. | ||
| All you had to do is just get into Florida and you get a doctor and say you hurt your back and they would have a pharmacy right next to the doctor's office and all the pharmacy had is pain pills. | ||
| So you go there, you tell the doctor you're hurt, the doctor says, great, here, here's some fucking serious, hardcore drugs that can kill you. | ||
| Don't take more of these, you'll die. | ||
| They're super powerful opiates, but since I wrote it on this piece of paper, you can go buy it. | ||
| So you go next door, and you're buying... | ||
| You're buying the hardest of hardcore. | ||
| You're buying hillbilly heroin. | ||
| You're buying OxyContin. | ||
| You're going deep. | ||
| Now, I've never done that shit. | ||
| I did morphine when I got my knee operated on. | ||
| They gave me that little pump thing, and you could press it and press it and press it, and you wanted to get more morphine. | ||
| I have no idea what Oxycontin feels like, but that morphine felt wonderful. | ||
| Oxycontin did not feel good. | ||
| What does it feel like? | ||
| I ate it one time, and that was good enough for me. | ||
| Some people must like it, though, right? | ||
| Tiny, tiny. | ||
| Everybody likes different shit, you know? | ||
| I like blow, but I don't like meth. | ||
| What did Oxy do for you? | ||
| Why is it not good? | ||
| I took a little tiny piece. | ||
| I'm always a fan of something that might put me to sleep. | ||
| If you feel like this could put you to sleep, you know what, I'll give it a fucking shot. | ||
| I like sleeping. | ||
| You would try to go to sleep on OxyContin? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know. | ||
| He goes, you might pass out. | ||
| So he gave me a 16th. | ||
| There was nothing there. | ||
| There was nothing there. | ||
| I popped it, and I just felt like my blood pressure dropped. | ||
| Like I couldn't even do anything. | ||
| So I went to sleep, and I just knew never to take that shit again. | ||
| There's certain shit I've taken that I just knew that I was never going to. | ||
| That just wasn't going to work for me. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| You know, heroin has that effect, too, for a little while. | ||
| Like, it takes you somewhere. | ||
| And if you don't put the brakes on and shit, then you're gone on that thing. | ||
| I don't even know how to describe it. | ||
| But I don't like that feeling, you know? | ||
| The cocaine feeling you like in the beginning. | ||
| Then where it goes, you don't like it. | ||
| And then it gets worse and worse and worse. | ||
| But by that time, you're addicted to it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Meth, I never understood that shit. | ||
| Wanted to be up for four days. | ||
| That just seems... | ||
| And you will be up for two fucking days. | ||
| Thinking you're tired. | ||
| Let me go lay down. | ||
| And all of a sudden you're like, I can't sleep. | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
| All of a sudden I got a dose of sweat. | ||
| So pills, I've always had. | ||
| I like a little fucking sleeping pill or something. | ||
| But I can't because of this sleep apnea. | ||
| Yeah, they're too dangerous, right? | ||
| I could take the anxiety medication. | ||
| That'll help me sometimes. | ||
| I'll pop a few of those if I get stuck. | ||
| They're like acid pan, but they're like 1.5. | ||
| They don't do nothing to nobody. | ||
| 0.5. | ||
| They don't do dick to dick. | ||
| You don't find that weed lets you go to sleep? | ||
| Weed at night don't do dick. | ||
| You ever see me at night smoking weed? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Because the initial effect was in the daytime. | ||
| That's what you like? | ||
| I like that morning high. | ||
| Why do you like that morning high? | ||
| Oh, because that's the one that gets the whole... | ||
| That's the one that lets me email, text, tweet, ding, ding, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, all by 9 o'clock. | ||
| All by nine o'clock. | ||
| Get it out of the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if I'm up at quarter to six, put the coffee on, open up the computer, feed the cats, I don't Pablo it. | ||
| See, there's people who Pablo it. | ||
| That's no bueno. | ||
| Escobar it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Pablo it. | ||
| Open your eyes in bed. | ||
| Roll over and take a joint and smoke it. | ||
| That's no bueno. | ||
| You gotta let your body wake up. | ||
| That's no bueno. | ||
| That's the quickest way. | ||
| What is that fucking thing you have? | ||
| Let me take a hit of that. | ||
| I love that little blunt. | ||
| That fucking Gino from Speedweed. | ||
| This is some of the best fucking... | ||
| Jamie picked this one up. | ||
| This is a different one. | ||
| Jamie, where did you pick this up? | ||
| Placed down the street. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Just a... | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what it's called. | ||
| Hollywood Blunts or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hollywood Pre-Roll. | ||
| Yeah, Hollywood's Medicated Blunt. | ||
| Yeah, waking up and pulling the Pablo. | ||
| People are running with that medicated. | ||
| Yeah, it's medicine, man. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But if you wake up and give your body some chance to... | ||
| Like, I remember smoking cigarettes in the morning. | ||
| You don't know what... | ||
| What damage is to your body until you wake up in the morning, take six steps, sit down and pull a cigarette out and light it. | ||
| There is no worse damage a human being can do to their body. | ||
| Forget heroin. | ||
| Forget eating a few avocados. | ||
| Forget eating a Burger King Whopper. | ||
| Get up at 6 in the morning, give yourself 3 minutes and light a cigarette. | ||
| Your body does not recover from that. | ||
| And you don't know how bad it is until you stop doing it. | ||
| That's damage. | ||
| So I look at it the same day way with reefer. | ||
| I let my body wake up a little bit. | ||
| Let it air. | ||
| Drink water. | ||
| Let the bodies heat. | ||
| Drink a glass of water with ice. | ||
| Let my body's heat wake up. | ||
| Get the stomach going. | ||
| Drink a little coffee. | ||
| And then bang out some reefer. | ||
| Oh lordy! | ||
| It's a different day. | ||
| And you like to work out in the morning too, right? | ||
| I'm 55. I can't come to your house at 8 o'clock at night. | ||
| But I can't come. | ||
| I'm not going to roll with you at 6 in the morning either. | ||
| Most heart attacks happen before lunchtime. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How come? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't write the book. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Most heart attacks happen before fucking 12 o'clock. | ||
| So you don't want Joey Dears in your sight control at 6 in the morning either. | ||
| I'm good at 9 to kickbox, 10 to kickbox, 11, 12 to jujitsu-wise. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta wake everything up. | ||
| That's the whole deal. | ||
| Heart attacks are more common in the morning, says Fox News. | ||
| Five to six times more likely to occur in the morning hours between 1 and 5 a.m. | ||
| And studies have shown that morning heart attacks tend to be more severe than those that happen later in the day. | ||
| Too long or too short of an interval can result in abnormal heart rhythms called arrhythmias. | ||
| As a matter of fact, I just stopped giving mama stabbing in the mornings. | ||
| You're worried about heart attacks? | ||
| Yeah, because that was my morning. | ||
| I love morning eating pussy in the morning. | ||
| Just wake them up. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What is all this? | ||
| When you kick mama with that leg in the morning, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You ever give your little wife a tap in the morning and she pops her head up? | ||
| And they already know. | ||
| They get up, they pee, they dry the monkey good. | ||
| They come back naked. | ||
| You eat that fucking monkey. | ||
| And then you start giving them a stabbing like a soldier. | ||
| And that stabbing? | ||
| Dog, I would have to get up and start breathing heavy. | ||
| And then I thought about that fucking gangster that was going to testify that time in court. | ||
| And he bent over to tie his shoes and he had a heart attack. | ||
| And the guy ended up doing a fucking jail. | ||
| And we got to talk about that too in a second. | ||
| But we'll cover the heart attack. | ||
| I take a baby aspirin before I go... | ||
| I drink something from GNC to get me going a little bit in the mornings. | ||
| I still take my Onnit protein powder I live by, but I do take a supplement before I go to the gym and I do drink something while I'm at the gym to calm me down a little bit. | ||
| What do you drink? | ||
| Something from GNC. I like GNC. I don't know names. | ||
| You don't know names? | ||
| I don't know names. | ||
| I just know performance levels. | ||
| I always pop a shroom tech. | ||
| Again, I don't pop two shroom techs. | ||
| I pop one. | ||
| And I start it with a half a capsule. | ||
| Because I was finding my heart was beating too much. | ||
| You gotta watch the ticker. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta watch the ticker. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You know, listen, God gives you a certain amount of ticks to your heart. | ||
| I did coke. | ||
| That fucked up the whole clock. | ||
| That fucked up the speedometer. | ||
| You got sand in your dials? | ||
| Yeah, I got sand in the dials. | ||
| I got fucked up the speedometer, so now I gotta strengthen it a little bit. | ||
| And that's what strengthens it. | ||
| But there's a lot of shit you could do without thinking, like a marathon or something. | ||
| I watch my fingers, no numbness. | ||
| I get a finger up my ass as much as I could from the doctor. | ||
| I overuse insurance dollars. | ||
| Like I'm going Friday for a blood test. | ||
| Why, Joey? | ||
| Because I'm in the mood. | ||
| You gotta switch out the blood every couple months. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You gotta switch it out. | ||
| Like Keith Richards, he's still alive because he switched it out. | ||
| Women don't die of heart attacks. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they bleed every month. | ||
| We're the only assholes that don't take the blood. | ||
| What's the matter with you today? | ||
| You're like a fucking murt. | ||
| I'm just here with you, buddy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relax. | |
| What are you saying? | ||
| I thought you were depressed. | ||
| You don't want to be here. | ||
| No, I'm enjoying your conversation. | ||
| You're just smoking so much weed, you're getting paranoid. | ||
| No, I love it. | ||
| You've been taking five hits off that thing. | ||
| You've just been sucking it down and getting deeper and deeper into the hole. | ||
| Like, what's the matter? | ||
| Like, nothing's the matter at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the fourth. | |
| It's like, I suck. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| I know it is. | ||
| Great to see you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look beautiful. | |
| It's great to see you, too. | ||
| What's going on with you? | ||
| Normal shit, you know? | ||
| Doing a little stand-up. | ||
| You weren't at the store last night? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm coming tonight. | ||
| You going down there tonight? | ||
| Yeah, I got a spot tonight. | ||
| I don't know if I'm going down there. | ||
| I've been taking a few days off after the Netflix thing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I wanted to fall in love again with it. | ||
| I wanted to, uh... | ||
| It's good to take time off things. | ||
| It's really weird how you live and you learn and you still fall for dumb shit. | ||
| You know, the only person I should listen to when it comes to comedy is you. | ||
| And I don't see you enough and I don't talk to you enough about it. | ||
| I gotta get on more planes with you. | ||
| Because when I tried, I watched the John Mulaney special and I fell in love with his joke writing and stuff like that. | ||
| He's a very funny guy. | ||
| Really nice guy too. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| Fucking great fucking special, you know. | ||
| But every once in a while, I'm sorry I'm saying this word, I always think I get the white moment. | ||
| And I'm not a white comic. | ||
| The reason why you like me and the people like me is because you don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. | ||
| When I become a writer, that's when I'm not a comedian no more. | ||
| When I go home and start writing stupid fucking jokes and you laugh at them, I'm not Joey Diaz no more. | ||
| That's not what Joey Diaz is supposed to do, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's not what I'm supposed to do. | ||
| But this shit that's happened now scares the shit out of me. | ||
| So now I gotta go up there. | ||
| You paid 25 bucks to see me. | ||
| I gotta go up there and leave my soul up there. | ||
| I take that shit seriously now, but I'm starting to take it a little bit too seriously. | ||
| The shit you see now, in what way? | ||
| The people coming to the shows. | ||
| People coming to the shows to see you, and they want to see you do well. | ||
| So I go up there with this planned material that I work on hard, that I believe in, that's bullshit, because I'm a lot fanlier when I go up there and I just fucking yell and scream and go off the cuff and go crazy and my eyeballs turn red. | ||
| But no, I want to be John fucking Mulaney because he makes me fucking laugh and he's what in your mind the true comic is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody's got their own way of doing it. | ||
| No, and that's what I realized. | ||
| I'm going back to being a fucking lunatic. | ||
| I'm going back to Midnight Spots. | ||
| Next week, I'm going back to midnight spots. | ||
| I'm going back to Cali. | ||
| Cali. | ||
| Cali. | ||
| Going back to Cali. | ||
| We're going back to those Paul Mooney spots. | ||
| I know they're late, but they're the only ones that keep you. | ||
| If you're going to play it, listen, for me to be in uniform is the only way I can do it. | ||
| That 10-15 following you, that ain't fun no more. | ||
| We gotta be back there late like we used to. | ||
| And go on four hours of sleep for two or three weeks. | ||
| Then you gotta walk me over and buy me a fucking Pink Dot sandwich like in the old days. | ||
| Why don't you like the 10-15 spots? | ||
| Because they put me in that position. | ||
| I'm sick of fucking being in that fucking John Mulaney position. | ||
| I'm not John Mulaney. | ||
| I'm a lunatic at midnight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean they put you in? | |
| You're there to see me because something's going to come out of my mouth that's going to be funny. | ||
| There's nothing funny coming out of my fucking mouth. | ||
| Listen, I love you, but this is crazy talk. | ||
| What you do is your way of doing it. | ||
| It's great at 10. It's great at 8. You could do a 3 in the afternoon show. | ||
| It would be amazing. | ||
| They stare at me at the store sometimes. | ||
| They stare at me in the original room. | ||
| I'm going back to midnights. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| I'm taking the Kennison spots again. | ||
| Three nights a week. | ||
| Because I can handle it. | ||
| That means I get home at 1, I'll stay up till 1.32. | ||
| You're going to do the late spots? | ||
| Yeah, you know why, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| The reason why I do this early shit is because I'm trying to be normal. | ||
| I read that book, your podcast, like I said. | ||
| Okay, now I like this. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| So you're going to close out the store and do like an hour-long set? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| 15. 12 to 12, 15. Oh, okay. | ||
| I'm out of there. | ||
| So you're not going to do like the Don Barris situation? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's what I thought you were saying. | ||
| Listen, Joey does the least for the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'm just saying. | ||
| But you can if you're closing out the show, right? | ||
| You could go long. | ||
| I don't want to close out the show at one in the morning. | ||
| I don't want to be out. | ||
| I'm scared of going out at night. | ||
| So it's not... | ||
| I thought you were saying you wanted to do the Kinnison spot. | ||
| That's the Kinnison spot, right? | ||
| The midnight spot, what he would do. | ||
| That midnight spot. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was always the last guy up. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I mean, that's what they always say about Brody when he does the Kinnison spot. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I thought it was the midnight spot. | ||
| Let's call it the Paul Mooney spot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, just you want to do a late night spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that I would do a lot better. | ||
| I don't have to go to other places. | ||
| More degenerates will be out for sure. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's time for me to be out. | ||
| I'm a fucking degenerate, though. | ||
| I should say that. | ||
| Fellow degenerates. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fucking degenerate. | ||
| Nobody's saying 1. Did I say 1? | ||
| I said 12. Stop fucking saying 1 in the morning. | ||
| 12. 12 o'clock, you know you're getting up at 1, though. | ||
| Let's be realistic. | ||
| No, 1210. They're professionals at the store now. | ||
| They're pretty professional. | ||
| They're professionals. | ||
| There's no more fucking people coming in and bumping you. | ||
| Well, that still happens a little bit, but not too much. | ||
| It's not too much. | ||
| No one jumps on and does an hour and a half like the old days. | ||
| I miss that 12 o'clock thought of mind. | ||
| The thought process at 12 for me in the old days was, I swear to God, Joe, they've already heard everything. | ||
| If I think they really want to hear these dumb three jokes in my pocket, I got another thing coming. | ||
| And it taught me how to write really good. | ||
| What has changed recently? | ||
| Like one of the things a lot of people have been saying with especially the Me Too movement is that people are more cautious about saying controversial jokes now. | ||
| Do you feel that? | ||
| Do you feel like energy in the air being different? | ||
| Do you feel like people are more sensitive? | ||
| I know you won't get mad at me. | ||
| I feel the energy is different, but guess what, G? What? | ||
| It don't apply to me. | ||
| It don't apply to me. | ||
| It doesn't apply to me and it's never going to apply to me. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I understand me shooting you special on your network. | ||
| You don't want me to use certain words. | ||
| There's parts, and I get that. | ||
| This is a business. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is a business, and I got mouths to feed. | ||
| But when I'm at the Comedy Store, when I'm at the Improv, when I'm at the Laugh Factory, when I'm at Flappers, when I'm at the Ha Ha, when I'm at New York Gotham... | ||
| You gotta let it fly. | ||
| I'm going to let it fly. | ||
| You're going to let it fly. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is just so you know. | ||
| No! | ||
| You shouldn't be sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not supposed to be sorry. | |
| This is just so you know. | ||
| You know what I put on yesterday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did you put on yesterday? | |
| Guess what I put on the studio yesterday. | ||
| What? | ||
| And this is it. | ||
| This is it because it's time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We're not taking it no more. | ||
| I'm not taking it no more. | ||
| I put on an album. | ||
| And again, I'm very sorry if I offend somebody. | ||
| I didn't name it this. | ||
| He did. | ||
| So take your fucking problem up with him. | ||
| Name of the album is Bicentennial Nigga by Richard Pryor. | ||
| I put it on. | ||
| I listened to it twice. | ||
| And I did an edible and cried. | ||
| I've got the periscope listening to Richard. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And I've listened to Lenny Bruce live from Carnegie Hall in the last couple weeks. | ||
| I don't know when the last time you listened to that, because we can't, because of our... | ||
| Guys like you and I can't. | ||
| Definitely not Jamie, and definitely if you're under 30 you can't, because of the... | ||
| How slow it is. | ||
| Cultural references and how slow it is. | ||
| But it's a lesson. | ||
| I listen to that and I'm going home. | ||
| Guess what I'm listening to tonight? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm staying in tonight to listen to the one when he meets, the wino meets Dracula. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Is it something I said or the nigger's crazy? | ||
| Both of those albums are masterpieces. | ||
| And that's how he wanted us to do it. | ||
| That was how we have to do it. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck what the fuck was said. | ||
| If a company wants to pay you, HBO or CBS, and Joey, can we talk to you in the corner? | ||
| We can't have that joke because we got a complaint about that. | ||
| I'm an adult. | ||
| I can't sell. | ||
| You know, listen, Bill Hicks is dead and I don't feel too good myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Alright, let's cut the fucking shit. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We do this for profit at the end of the fucking day. | ||
| We're feeding our families. | ||
| Alright, so... | ||
| But there's also a way you do it. | ||
| And there's also a way I do it. | ||
| You're not going to compromise the way you do it for more profit. | ||
| You know, when I watched the Richard Pryor thing and I know he went to the Hollywood Bowl and they were doing the thing for gays and he went up there and went against the gays. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Is it something I would do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's who we're supposed to be in a way as a comedian. | ||
| We're supposed to be the social column of society in a way. | ||
| In some way. | ||
| So now you want to take that away from me? | ||
| You want to take the way I can't say, I grew up on the word retarded. | ||
| I grew up on the word faggot. | ||
| I grew up on the word, I grew up on a lot of words that people don't accept today. | ||
| And I'm very sorry That you don't accept them. | ||
| But it's too late for me to change my game right now. | ||
| Yeah, I'll try my hardest. | ||
| I try my hardest. | ||
| I'm still going to say tranny from time to time. | ||
| I know it offends. | ||
| But when you're a comic... | ||
| Listen, man, the first seven minutes of any news is about... | ||
| What's going on in the world? | ||
| The next ten minutes is bad. | ||
| I never talk about politics. | ||
| Well, to top it off, I'm a felon. | ||
| So I need to talk about politics. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's just things. | ||
| I'm not going to talk about kicking an abortion child. | ||
| Remember for a long time, every comic was, you know, I'll kick an abortion. | ||
| That's not my style. | ||
| I'm up there to talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Yeah, yeah, you go to comedy shows and there's always that one comic that wants to be shocking. | ||
| I'm not here to be shocking. | ||
| I'm here to tell you how I see it. | ||
| You want to hear how I see it? | ||
| This is how I see it. | ||
| If I offend you, I offend you. | ||
| Before, in the beginning of the show, I said something very offensive in today's terms. | ||
| But in my reality, it was real. | ||
| You want firecracks? | ||
| You buy them from a Chinese dude down in China. | ||
| Why is that racist? | ||
| Because that's racist. | ||
| But isn't it factual? | ||
| How is it racist that it's factual? | ||
| Chinese people are out of fireworks. | ||
| They move on to other things. | ||
| There's weird ones that we all let fly. | ||
| Like black dudes with big dicks. | ||
| No one's complaining about that, right? | ||
| Do you ever hear that? | ||
| You assume black dude has a big dick. | ||
| Does anybody complain? | ||
| Probably they're looking to now. | ||
| That might be like, maybe I'm the first one to get called out on it. | ||
| That's racist to think that black dudes have big dicks. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| If it's positive, is like a positive attribute racist? | ||
| Like if you said Asian people are better at math, people would say that's racist. | ||
| How is it racist if they're really good at something? | ||
| Like if they have more talent or skill or more accomplishments? | ||
| How's that racist? | ||
| Isn't that racial? | ||
| If it's good? | ||
| Jews accept it. | ||
| If you tell Ari that more European Jews won Nobel science prizes, he's like, of course, we're smarter. | ||
| Is it racist to talk about how many Jews are so fucking smart? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Why are they so goddamn smart? | ||
| If you think about how many German and European Jews were fucking serious geniuses, it's a crazy trend. | ||
| Like, what happened over there? | ||
| Callan was trying to explain it to me once. | ||
| About their values, their education, and experiences, and what led to... | ||
| Google the numbers of European Jews that have won Nobel science prizes. | ||
| It's kind of like... | ||
| It's eye-opening. | ||
| You know how many Guineas from New Jersey? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Zero Guineas from New Jersey winning science projects. | ||
| None of my relatives winning science projects. | ||
| I tried looking this up a couple weeks ago. | ||
| It was hard to look it up. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| European Jews that have won the Nobel Science Prize. | ||
| Try that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even know what these numbers are. | ||
| I'm talking out of my ass. | ||
| I know that it's... | ||
| I've definitely heard it discussed that there was a giant number. | ||
| What are you doing over there, Joey? | ||
| Make sure my wife doesn't text me and let me know what party I need to be at. | ||
| Oh, 4th of July, baby. | ||
| This is our country's birthday. | ||
| It's a time that we should cherish. | ||
| I think we should play the national anthem. | ||
| Maybe later. | ||
| We got time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| We gotta play the National Anthem real quick. | ||
| They had it on this morning by my house. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| So how was your experience doing your Netflix special? | ||
| Everything was great. | ||
| Netflix, I take my hats off and everything was great. | ||
| It was my fuck up. | ||
| It was my fuck up. | ||
| I let it get into my head too much. | ||
| I listened to too many people and I forgot the number one thing. | ||
| Just be funny. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Be yourself. | ||
| Doesn't matter what any people say. | ||
| How many shows did you film? | ||
| Two. | ||
| First one, I think, was a disaster. | ||
| The second one, I redeemed myself a little bit. | ||
| We'll put something together and we'll save something. | ||
| So now I'm working really hard. | ||
| Now I'm going back to my old roots, how I want to do my stand-up again. | ||
| It's hard when you even only have two shows. | ||
| Even only two shows is tough. | ||
| No more bullshit. | ||
| No more bullshit. | ||
| Listen, this has nothing to do with me. | ||
| I'm a stand-up comic. | ||
| That's what I signed up for. | ||
| What do I got left? | ||
| I'm 55. What do I got left of doing stand-up? | ||
| Another 10 years maybe? | ||
| I got to stop now. | ||
| You're going to shut me down now. | ||
| No, this is where we get started. | ||
| This is where we get started. | ||
| We got daughters. | ||
| When do you think about it? | ||
| Do you think about ever stopping doing stand-up? | ||
| Because I do occasionally. | ||
| I think about it and then I take a flight back with Dice from New York. | ||
| And I look at Dice. | ||
| Before I approach him, I sit there and I look at him. | ||
| 10 feet away for 10 minutes. | ||
| And I think to myself, is this what I want to be doing at that age? | ||
| And I think about what would we be doing? | ||
| What would we be doing? | ||
| You really want to be around your wife and your daughters every fucking weekend for every fucking week. | ||
| You're already used to leaving one weekend at least a month. | ||
| You're really used to it. | ||
| There's going to be a casino. | ||
| Somebody's going to pay you once a month to leave the house for two days. | ||
| But would you be happy with your act if you're only going out once a month? | ||
| Like, if you weren't going up and practicing, going out once a month could be awful. | ||
| What I'm saying is, I'm saying you're still hosting the pizza place on Wednesday nights. | ||
| What? | ||
| And you're still... | ||
| Let's pretend you moved to fucking Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Moved to Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| And you work the Funny Bone once a year, right? | ||
| And you do your little pizza open mic somewhere down the corner a couple nights a week. | ||
| They look at you as the older guy. | ||
| They all came up looking at comedy, watching you. | ||
| You know, they listen to you. | ||
| You know, when I started in comedy, I started, the guy's name was George McKelvey. | ||
| And George McKelvey was a really special guy, JoJo, because he had been on The Tonight Show with the... | ||
| Whatever, as a comic, as a stand-up. | ||
| And that's the fucking epitome for one of us, whether he became Richard Pryor or not. | ||
| He was on, what's his name? | ||
| Come on, fucking help me here. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| The Tonight Show. | ||
| Johnny Carson? | ||
| Johnny Carson. | ||
| He did stand-up and Johnny put him on the couch. | ||
| You know, the real. | ||
| I mean, George McKelvey was the real deal. | ||
| When George was 70, I'll never forget, he called me one night. | ||
| He was like, hey, what are you doing, kid? | ||
| I go, I'm sitting. | ||
| He goes, drive to Colorado Springs. | ||
| And get on stage. | ||
| Open up for me. | ||
| I go, I can't get on that stage. | ||
| Because a famous manager that was at that club at the time wouldn't let you get on stage unless you took that comedy class for 35 bucks. | ||
| Oh, that was a scam. | ||
| A lot of guys did that. | ||
| He goes, fuck her. | ||
| I'll waive it. | ||
| So he threw me on stage. | ||
| And this old guy liked me. | ||
| That old guy had no career, basically. | ||
| He did the local places. | ||
| He owned two clubs. | ||
| And he worked a couple clubs that hired him still. | ||
| He died on the road or whatever. | ||
| My point being that he helped me a lot as an old guy. | ||
| Like, I looked at him, and my first opinion of him was, look at this old loser. | ||
| No, he wasn't an old loser. | ||
| He had been doing it for 30 years. | ||
| He committed to this. | ||
| And no matter what his turnout was or whatever, he was still a comic. | ||
| He died a comic. | ||
| I talked to him maybe two years until he died, and I lost contact with him. | ||
| Well, George Carlin died on the road. | ||
| One of the greatest of all time. | ||
| I don't want to die on the road. | ||
| And I know you don't want to die on the road. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I can't. | ||
| For years, I thought I wouldn't be doing this at 50. Guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm 55. But you're not just doing it. | |
| This is what's important. | ||
| You're still letting it swing. | ||
| You're still having fun and doing a lot of crazy shit that gets you in a lot of trouble today. | ||
| This is what I brought up with... | ||
| We were talking about the, you know, air quotes, Me Too era. | ||
| People are going after people today, for good or for bad, and to still have a wild, controversial act in this politically correct environment... | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| What are we going after Me Too people for? | ||
| For me taking you in the back, grabbing your titties, grabbing your pussy, or for you sucking my dick for a movie role, or for something like that. | ||
| All those things really don't exist in my life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I have a wife and I have a child. | ||
| They don't exist in my life. | ||
| If you want to come at me for sucking my dick in 2002, we were both doing blow, go ahead, be my guest. | ||
| Be my guest! | ||
| But I want to see footage. | ||
| I can't be I'm Z, I'm Zari and take it and just, you know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a lot of people out there that are going to get me too. | ||
| Look at this other guy. | ||
| For years he was known as a heroin addict. | ||
| Never got a clue of sexual misconduct. | ||
| And some chick said he molested her when he was 11 years old. | ||
| And now he's like, you need that. | ||
| You need that. | ||
| And the chick's on drugs. | ||
| She's doing a press conference while she's on drugs. | ||
| What's his name, brother? | ||
| The guy that was in heat that De Niro put him in a rehab himself. | ||
| And then he married Heidi Fleiss for a while. | ||
| Who was with Heidi Fleiss? | ||
| Tom. | ||
| Tom, yeah. | ||
| That guy's been a junkie for 2,000 years. | ||
| All of a sudden... | ||
| Why can't I remember his last name? | ||
| Sizemore. | ||
| Sizemore. | ||
| All of a sudden, some girl comes up when she... | ||
| 26, twitching. | ||
| Yeah, he molested me on a movie set when I was 11. That's great and dandy, dog. | ||
| But you can't ruin somebody's life now. | ||
| But what do you think is happening? | ||
| This is my question. | ||
| Like, why are people accepting these situations, like the Chris Hardwick situation? | ||
| Or why is everybody instantly thinking that the guy's guilty? | ||
| No one giving him a chance to... | ||
| The benefit of the doubt. | ||
| No court. | ||
| No justice court. | ||
| There's no nothing. | ||
| And in some cases, like the worst case was Garrison Keillor. | ||
| Garrison Keillor is the host of the Lake Woebegone Chronicles, like this radio show on PBS, I think it is. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| He apparently hugged a woman and his hand went down her back. | ||
| This is the depiction. | ||
| And he apologized to her and he sent her an email and she said, don't worry about it. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| It was nothing. | ||
| And then they continued, I believe, to correspond and were friends again. | ||
| And then this... | ||
| All the stuff started happening with Al Franken and then he had this complaint brought up by this woman. | ||
| She reintroduced it and said that a long time ago he put his hand on my back. | ||
| And they cancelled his show. | ||
| They took his name off of it. | ||
| They did it like really quickly. | ||
| And it's one of those things where you just go, okay, really? | ||
| Like the guy in one moment in time touches someone's back. | ||
| I don't know if it was creepy or not. | ||
| Let's assume it was a terrible error and it was creepy. | ||
| I don't think it was. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not saying I know. | ||
| But that's it? | ||
| Just touching someone's back? | ||
| That is a hysterical reaction. | ||
| That is hysteria. | ||
| It's almost the definition of hysteria. | ||
| You're not talking about an evil person. | ||
| You're talking about a person who touched someone's back. | ||
| We've got to be real careful with what you destroy a person's whole life with. | ||
| So on the one side you have the worst case scenario, which is like a Bill Cosby, who's drugging people and raping people. | ||
| It's the worst case scenario for these powerful elite type people that are getting these women into their web and pretending they're going to help them. | ||
| Harvey Weinstein, right. | ||
| He's another one. | ||
| Which they were all in on it, and everybody knew about it. | ||
| For years they knew about it. | ||
| It was written into his contract. | ||
| Sexual harassment clauses were in his contract, right? | ||
| It was known for years. | ||
| Let's make sure we're correct on that, but we've written that online before. | ||
| Don't you know what bothers me about Harvey? | ||
| Let me tell you what bothers me about Harvey. | ||
| What? | ||
| We've got to indict everybody. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have to be indicted, and this is one of the things I'm getting at. | ||
| That's my feeling. | ||
| My feeling right now is that this should be a RICO Act. | ||
| This is a RICO Act. | ||
| Agents, managers, Oprah, because everybody knew. | ||
| Everybody knew. | ||
| Okay, but here's the question. | ||
| How much did they know? | ||
| Listen, everybody knew. | ||
| In 2005, everybody knew Joe Diaz was a coke fiend. | ||
| That's a different thing, though, man. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| Let's pretend. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Joe Diaz is a coke fiend. | ||
| It's 2007. Joe Diaz comes to a party at your house. | ||
| There's two cell phones missing. | ||
| Okay, let me say this, though. | ||
| Do you think that it's possible that his behavior was shielded from some of the people that he interacted with, like Hillary Clinton or Oprah or Bill Clinton or whoever it was that they, some high-profile people that he interacted with? | ||
| Is it possible that they didn't know? | ||
| Is it possible that they just thought he was a pussyhound? | ||
| No. | ||
| Or do you think they all knew? | ||
| They knew he was a pussyhound, and they heard a little chitter-chatter, but it's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Joe. | |
| It's okay. | ||
| They would just let him. | ||
| It's Joe. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Number two, Jamie, you ready for this? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Okay, I see Joe, whatever. | ||
| Not now, but 25 years ago. | ||
| I see Joe, and the first thing I have to go is, Joe, before you leave, don't forget I've got to tell you this story. | ||
| What was that story going to be about? | ||
| About Benson Henderson's joke? | ||
| About a joke that somebody said at the store, no, about a place I went to. | ||
| And some chick took me in the back and sucked my dick under the car and then she stuck a finger in my ass and that's what we talked about. | ||
| So, if that's what we talked about, you're going to look me in the fucking face like a man that you are and the men that you And tell me Harvey Weinstein never turned to Brad or his other bodies and said, psst, remind me to tell you a story about that dirty fucking animal. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Okay, then. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| That's actually what's been admitted, I think. | ||
| They've had conversations about that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| If you don't think the Whig, Ben Affleck, and the other guy. | ||
| I'm not offending nobody. | ||
| I'm just talking about boys. | ||
| We're boys, right? | ||
| You and I have boys. | ||
| You won't say to Jamie. | ||
| You'll say to me. | ||
| You watch Blind Date. | ||
| No, I've never watched it. | ||
| There's a movie... | ||
| Blind Date. | ||
| Some firecrackers are going off in the room. | ||
| There's a movie named Blind Date with Bruce Willis. | ||
| Oh, I remember that movie. | ||
| And Kim Basinger. | ||
| Hilarious! | ||
| Kim Basinger steals the show when she walks into Japanese land and she's like, you know, you're entitled to 50% of your husband's assets in California. | ||
| And the Chinese woman kept saying... | ||
| Me don't speak English. | ||
| Me don't speak English. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know you're in town 50% and she opens up the door 50% 50%. | |
| That movie's a great movie but there's a scene in the opening of that movie both of those actors are around where the guy comes up to him and he goes you're not going to believe what happened last night. | ||
| And Bruce Willis goes, here we go. | ||
| One of these fucking sex stories again. | ||
| And he goes, so I'm at Spago's. | ||
| I have a dinner. | ||
| I walk out and some lady pulls up in a limo. | ||
| And I say, I've never been in a limo. | ||
| And she goes, we'll get in. | ||
| And we're riding down Sunset. | ||
| Our time's in the summer. | ||
| And next thing you know, she's sucking my dick. | ||
| She's got leotards on. | ||
| I'm eating her ass. | ||
| And he's telling the story. | ||
| And Bruce Willis looks at him and goes... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why does this always happen to you? | ||
| This is some other bullshit. | ||
| He goes, da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| And he goes in his pocket and he starts whipping out Polaroids. | ||
| I've always known one of those guys in my life. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| We've all known one guy in my life. | ||
| But there's a difference between that guy and what Harvey Weinstein's been accused of. | ||
| Yeah, I know that. | ||
| But I also believe that Harvey Weinstein was telling people. | ||
| He probably was. | ||
| Because, listen, for everybody who told- What was he telling them? | ||
| Was he telling them that he was holding people down? | ||
| What do they usually tell them? | ||
| Was he telling them he was raping people? | ||
| She's a piece of ass. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| Do you think that he did- Well, I don't even want to ask you. | ||
| She's a piece of ass. | ||
| She's a piece of ass. | ||
| You've got to see her suck a dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She'll do anything. | ||
| She's an animal. | ||
| That's what we do as men. | ||
| We're braggadocio. | ||
| So do you think that there was like a community of that where actors and actresses- I think he had four or five guys- That knew what he was doing. | ||
| I want you to remember being 27 and having four of your boys that would come back every Monday with a different story to karate school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I ate her ass. | ||
| I fucked her on fire. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is that you do. | ||
| He told somebody. | ||
| Somebody knew about all these stories. | ||
| Some agents knew. | ||
| Because for the hundred of them that said no and whatever, there had to be 25. He was playing the percentages joke. | ||
| A lot of people said yes. | ||
| They blamed that one girl. | ||
| That one girl that did Rounders. | ||
| They accused her. | ||
| Yeah, I heard that. | ||
| That played Matt Damon's girlfriend. | ||
| She went from being an extra in fucking Donnie Brasco to being a guest star opposite fucking... | ||
| Yeah, if you watch Donnie Brasco, she's what's his name? | ||
| Sonny Black's girlfriend. | ||
| You know how many lines she has in that movie? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Smart move. | ||
| And then a year later, she's a fucking guest opposite. | ||
| So there's a bunch of them that said yes. | ||
| But do you fault the girl for doing that? | ||
| If a girl decides to fuck Harvey Weinstein on her own free will... | ||
| Joe Rogan, we come here with a dream. | ||
| And there's two ways to enhance that dream. | ||
| There's either I always knew that I wasn't good-looking, I always knew I was fat, and I always knew I was R-rated and hard to listen to. | ||
| But I always knew that I was funny, so I always worked on being funny. | ||
| I didn't think somebody was going to let me suck their dick or eat their pussy to be a star. | ||
| So that was never in my mind. | ||
| But think about people who... | ||
| How many people have you met that would sell their soul in this town? | ||
| How many people have come and gone in front of you? | ||
| The reason why our friendship is still intact is because you know I'm a hard worker. | ||
| You know Ari's a hard worker. | ||
| You respect hard work. | ||
| How many times have you pulled me aside and said, look at this fucking clown? | ||
| And you're not trying to be judgmental. | ||
| You just know that he's pulling the wool over somebody's eyes. | ||
| We know who's talking the talk and we know who's walking the walk. | ||
| We see it on stage. | ||
| We hear about it. | ||
| We don't need Twitter or Facebook. | ||
| We hear about it. | ||
| We get to that club. | ||
| The club owner will tell you, Joe. | ||
| Joe, he was here two weeks ago. | ||
| He was falling asleep on stage. | ||
| You know, you hear shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's the same thing. | ||
| You agree? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I think so. | ||
| I think one of the things that stand-up's good for is that it's an exercise you're doing while you're living your life. | ||
| And the better your stand-up gets, it's usually a better indication that you're thinking better. | ||
| Like your life's more in order. | ||
| You're more tuned in. | ||
| You know, you're doing stuff that's hitting harder because you've got better points. | ||
| You know how to edit it better. | ||
| And usually that, you can use that. | ||
| I think it's like, remember that movie Mo' Better Blues? | ||
| Denzel Washington? | ||
| I loved that movie. | ||
| One of the things I loved about that movie, I got inspired to work on my act after that movie. | ||
| I was like, think about how much musicians practice. | ||
| He was just always practicing, and these girls, these hot girls would want to fuck. | ||
| And you're like, no, no, no, right now. | ||
| I gotta practice. | ||
| I gotta practice. | ||
| I was like, damn, the discipline. | ||
| The crazy discipline that that man has to play that trumpet and practice it over and over again. | ||
| And it made me really think, like, as a comic, we don't work like that. | ||
| We don't have to rehearse all day. | ||
| You know, we don't really rehearse at all. | ||
| But musicians, like a really good musician, they're always working. | ||
| They're always trying and training and working on their craft. | ||
| And we do it on stage, in front of people, probably more than a lot of musicians do, unless they're constantly regularly touring. | ||
| But we don't have that kind of a work ethic attached to what we do. | ||
| If you want to play a phenomenal trumpet, Those guys, their breath control and the way they can blow those horns, man, they practice all the time. | ||
| They put in hours and hours working on that. | ||
| And I was thinking about it, like, that's a different kind of craft. | ||
| It's a different kind of craft, the ability to play a musical instrument. | ||
| The thing about stand-up that becomes a problem sometimes is that it's kind of, you can kind of pull it off. | ||
| Like, you can do it really well, or you can kind of pull it off. | ||
| And to kind of pull it off, you don't need a whole lot of effort. | ||
| You just need a few good subjects and a few good ways of expressing it. | ||
| But to get that where you can kind of pull it off and turn it into a bit that just smashes, a bit that you put it in and you can't wait to get to that punchline because you know it's going to be a nuclear bomb. | ||
| That's where the real work comes in. | ||
| And I think for a lot of us, it's the difference between how much energy you put towards anything, whether it's your stand-up comedy or painting or whatever the fuck you do. | ||
| How much energy you put towards your writing? | ||
| How much energy you put towards thinking about it? | ||
| The more you can do, the better it's going to be. | ||
| And that's a fundamental thing that nobody ever tells you. | ||
| People tell you you should write. | ||
| But it's not just that you should write. | ||
| You should also listen to your shit. | ||
| You should also perform. | ||
| But the whole key to it all is just applying different kinds of focus towards your act. | ||
| And if you look at a movie like Mo' Betta Blues, he's doing that. | ||
| He's playing that fucking trumpet, and you realize this guy is lost in the act of practicing this beautiful musical instrument, and this is his craft, and he takes pride in being excellent at his craft. | ||
| He could just hang around all day and still probably blow an awesome tune at night, but no, he fucking practices. | ||
| And I remember thinking about that, going, damn, that's probably something that's missing from the lives of most stand-ups, and I should probably try to think about that more with my own life. | ||
| I love the writing, and I love the performing. | ||
| I hate the listening. | ||
| Yeah, that's a hard part. | ||
| The listening is very rough for me, and I listen, I force myself, even before the special. | ||
| I forced myself to listen a lot, and it made me too fucking overcritical. | ||
| You know, it got me too over fucking critical. | ||
| A week before I taped, I also went to places that I didn't put my name on the gazebo, just to see how my jokes would do in front of regular people. | ||
| And that fucked with my head a little bit. | ||
| I made a lot of couple little mistakes in training camp. | ||
| But that's what training camps were for, to learn. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, I agree, man. | ||
| Listen, I've been doing this for 27 years. | ||
| I love doing it. | ||
| I get better every fucking year. | ||
| My breathing, I get something better going up on stage, your confidence levels. | ||
| And, uh, dog, it's 27 fucking years. | ||
| You're going to be doing it 30 this year. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Next month is going to be 30 fucking years. | ||
| Did you ever see yourself... | ||
| Doing this for 30 years. | ||
| I still remember walking into the main room and Mitzi was in her booth and Paul was on stage slicing that room apart. | ||
| And she called me over and she goes, that's what happens when you've been doing comedy for 20 years. | ||
| At that time I was like, damn! | ||
| I've been doing comedy for 11. I still got another 9. And now I'm at 27. Crazy. | ||
| And it's like you watch people like John Jock, right, who will fuck you up effortlessly. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Without even breathing heavy. | ||
| John Jock, yeah, you'll be in. | ||
| You'll get that fucking hill. | ||
| You think you got him in the fucking guillotine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Next thing you know, you're on your back looking up with your arm. | ||
| And that's what kind of we're doing right now. | ||
| I feel myself... | ||
| When I see a guy with a coral belt on, I'm like, that's the level now that we're at. | ||
| I can control a lot of shit. | ||
| Joe, one of your secrets was following me, was putting yourself in bad positions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which in jujitsu is like getting the biggest guy in the room and going, hey, are you busy right now? | ||
| Dude, I'd tell people that I was taking you on the road with me. | ||
| They'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Get on top of me and just choke me. | ||
| You taking me on the road. | ||
| Is like somebody going, hey, come here for a second. | ||
| What do you weigh? | ||
| 300? | ||
| I weigh 140. Get on top of me in a mount and put one hand in and we'll start there. | ||
| Let's start right there. | ||
| Let's start right fucking there. | ||
| But only if you think about it that way. | ||
| See, this is what was important about it. | ||
| And there's one of the things that's important about traveling with all really funny people. | ||
| It only becomes a negative when you think at it as a negative. | ||
| When someone's funny, you should be laughing and enjoying it, and it makes your time more enjoyable when you go on stage. | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| I needed to learn that. | ||
| And the way I learned that, one of the ways was going on the road with you. | ||
| I knew that you were going to crush. | ||
| And so I knew that everybody else would like to take... | ||
| You know, we were both relatively young in our comedy careers back then, right? | ||
| So it was like we're talking about I've been doing comedy maybe nine years or eight years. | ||
| But you were a lot wiser about the game. | ||
| Like, you introduced me to shit that I had never even... | ||
| Like, I read a few books and watched a few tapes. | ||
| But you had the practical knowledge that I needed. | ||
| Like, you were the vote tech school. | ||
| Well, what I did is I thought about it the same way I thought about martial arts. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I wanted to go on the road with you all the time. | ||
| I was like, you don't get better at sparring people that suck. | ||
| You get better when you spar with wizards. | ||
| You've got to be real careful when you're sparring with wizards. | ||
| And so I was like, what I would need to do is have someone who goes on stage in front of me and just crushes. | ||
| I had some tough sets going on after you. | ||
| I remember one time in Rascals. | ||
| Rascals in West Orange, right? | ||
| Was it West Orange or East Orange? | ||
| West. | ||
| West Orange, New Jersey. | ||
| Fucking great club, but you went up and you got into it with some people in the audience about something and you were just on fire, just on fire. | ||
| You crushed. | ||
| And I had a real hard time going on after you. | ||
| And I remember thinking, oh, okay, this is a very important lesson. | ||
| Like, this is important. | ||
| Like, there's something that I'm not doing right that he is doing right. | ||
| Like, what am I, how come I'm not, oh, I'm nervous. | ||
| I'm nervous going on after him. | ||
| So I'm not having fun up there. | ||
| So he's having fun, and I'm being tense, going, oh, geez, this better not suck. | ||
| So I'm putting in my head, this better not suck. | ||
| It's the total wrong way to approach... | ||
| Like, if you approached a fight like that, man, you're going to get smashed, most likely. | ||
| You want to approach a fight thinking about the things you're going to do, not the things that you want to, like... | ||
| Worry about what's going to happen if you get hit. | ||
| You don't think like that. | ||
| You just think about doing your thing and then adjusting along the way. | ||
| And I had the wrong mindset and I needed to see someone kill a bunch of times in front of me and then bomb go after them to realize something's wrong here. | ||
| The wrong thing is that I'm going on stage tense Because someone was funny. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Like, I should be the opposite. | ||
| I should be happy that someone was funny because I love comedy. | ||
| And this is what I like to do. | ||
| I mean, I like to watch it if I'm not doing it. | ||
| So why am I so tense? | ||
| It's just a bad way of approaching a problem. | ||
| And I think this is one of the things that fucks people up in life. | ||
| You approach a problem the same way every time and you never stop and just completely look at the whole thing from the top down. | ||
| Just look at the whole thing and go, what am I trying to do here? | ||
| I'm trying to get tighter and funnier and better. | ||
| What do I got to do? | ||
| I got to do a lot of sets. | ||
| I got to write and I got to work with murderers. | ||
| That was the key. | ||
| It's like working with guys like you and all of us working together. | ||
| And also people knew if they came to see us, like, hey, this isn't just going to be Joe goes up and he's the hero of the show. | ||
| No, you're going to get Ari who's going to go on and murder, you're going to go on and murder, and then I'm going to go up. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking rock'em sock'em robot show we had. | ||
| We went on the road, dude. | ||
| We did clubs across the country. | ||
| We did, I mean, who knows how many fucking cities you and I and Ari toured on. | ||
| Fucking crazy numbers. | ||
| Just over and over again, bonding together, hundreds of shows together, figuring out how to fucking get everything perfect, figuring out the right amount of weed to smoke before you go on stage, the right amount of getting Joey Diaz riled up. | ||
| You would come in yelling about something, or here, I want you to see something, I'd go into the bathroom and there'd be a shit that looks like a crocodile trying to crawl out of the toilet bowl. | ||
| All that stuff, that's some rock and roll comedy, man. | ||
| You know, it helped both of us. | ||
| It helped both of us a lot. | ||
| And it also, like, set a tone that I think for a lot of us. | ||
| Like, you should be with funny people. | ||
| Everybody should try hard. | ||
| You should not, like, think that anybody doing good is bad for you. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's great for you. | ||
| It's great for everybody. | ||
| That everybody's, like, doing good together is better for everybody. | ||
| When I go on the road now, I go onto the road under those Joe Rogan principles. | ||
| That's my whole road thing. | ||
| The only thing I added to it, the only Jeet Kune Do I added to it is my travel. | ||
| I'm in and out fast. | ||
| I don't fuck around. | ||
| I don't rent a car. | ||
| I don't want to see nobody. | ||
| I'm in and out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's go right over there. | ||
| You know, there's no radio necessary. | ||
| I play it just like you now. | ||
| Yeah, they'll try. | ||
| Yeah, they'll try. | ||
| Because they have relationships with local radio stations. | ||
| They're like, you know, KCWI wants to get you in there in the morning. | ||
| But if they're cool, I go in because you want to talk to the people on the way up, the same people on the way down. | ||
| There's a lot of people that were there for me when I wasn't, so I tried to do their station. | ||
| The problem is that waking up in the morning murders you. | ||
| It just kills you. | ||
| And you've got to get in there a day earlier. | ||
| Because if you want to do Friday morning, you've got to get in there Thursday now. | ||
| You can't just show up Friday, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
| No, I can't do it. | ||
| I fly out Thursday at fucking 6 a.m. | ||
| That's the best you got out of me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I got the family and I got the people. | ||
| We got a lot of shit. | ||
| It's not like it used to be, man. | ||
| But the thing that I love about this time is that even though people are super sensitive, like we were talking about, people are real sensitive about getting in trouble for stuff, there's still Rock'em Sock'em Robots comedy going on. | ||
| It's still wild out there. | ||
| Dudes are still doing crazy fucking jokes. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| People are taking real chances. | ||
| They're doing real stand-up. | ||
| You know, and there's a lot of them. | ||
| There's Bill Burr. | ||
| There's you. | ||
| I mean, you can go down the list. | ||
| Ari. | ||
| Ari's doing some real stand-up. | ||
| You know, there's a bunch of real killers now. | ||
| Santino, he's doing some dangerous stand-up. | ||
| The shit I'm writing now, I'm writing for my... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Like, the point of that fucking story I told you, of being on top of that hill at 17 and being homeless, is because I had a lot of chances to ice myself, Chuck. | ||
| I had a lot of ass chances to ice myself. | ||
| Think of getting out of fucking prison. | ||
| And thinking of getting out on bail. | ||
| When I got out on bail, Think of getting out of bail and knowing you're going to look at 48 fucking years. | ||
| And you're a fucking loser as it is. | ||
| Think of all those opportunities. | ||
| I used to break into a friend's house to sleep in his house at night. | ||
| I slept in a rocket ship for a month outside of the park. | ||
| You ever go to a park and see those rocket ships and your kids play on them? | ||
| I still remember going up to the third floor of the rocket ship, finishing off my coke and jerking off On the third floor at 5 in the morning outside in a fucking park with leaves around me and shit. | ||
| There was a lot of times I had that I wanted to do... | ||
| That visual is amazing. | ||
| You have no fucking idea. | ||
| I would go up to the third floor with a bottle of fucking Smirnoff silver vodka, a bag, a hooded sweatshirt, gloves with a missing finger so I could fucking touch the rock and put them in my nose and shit. | ||
| Now that's all funny on the way up the stairs and shit, but when you come down and you're in that rocket ship and it's 5 in the morning and it's 20 fucking 2 below zero, and you're thinking to yourself, fucking God took away my mother, God did this, this is all God's fault. | ||
| Because the same God that I was raised to believe that was going to help me is doing all this. | ||
| A lot of times I wanted to fucking do a swan dive. | ||
| But I didn't. | ||
| You know, it's so fucking weird. | ||
| I was in those positions for a long time, Joe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now I got to look at you and go, Jesus Christ, look at Ike Turner's... | ||
| No, no, Tina Turner's son killed himself yesterday. | ||
| It wasn't Ike's son, though. | ||
| I thought it was Ike's son with her. | ||
| You know, this trend of fucking people icing themselves. | ||
| That scares me. | ||
| That concerns me. | ||
| Is it something we're eating? | ||
| Is it something that we're getting weak on? | ||
| You know, there was no drugs in the Bordain system, so we can't blame fucking prescription drugs. | ||
| You know, he was on one medication, some sort of medication. | ||
| And it was something that was prescribed for him. | ||
| Someone told me that it was malaria medication. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I don't know if they've released that. | ||
| But I'm sure he had to take some of that stuff sometimes. | ||
| But, you know, you don't know what it was that did him in. | ||
| According to some people, he really wasn't doing well. | ||
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| I need to... | ||
| I mean, it's almost... | ||
| It's unnecessary for me to get the full story. | ||
| I miss the guy. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I don't need to... | ||
| I think whenever someone does something like that, whatever it is, if there's one thing that people could point to and say, hey, there's a chemical that's responsible for this, or there's a gene problem that's responsible for this, how could someone who's loved so much Want to step out. | ||
| I mean, that must be a terrible moment of pain to want to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It took about a month to go. | |
| You ever been on the computer listening to music on YouTube and you're writing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it just keeps playing songs and you don't have no control of it. | ||
| I think I started with Leonard Skinner, the Simple Man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I kept going on the Leonard Skinner trip and I went and I came back and at one point blow up the outside world. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And I'm sitting there, and he says that line about going out or something. | ||
| Joe Rogan, my lip. | ||
| Started shaking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, I don't even know this guy and I miss him. | |
| You don't know this guy? | ||
| You want me to look at you people and tell you I know? | ||
| I met Chris. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I saw him one time at the Comedy Store six feet away from me, Chris Cornell. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And I started crying. | ||
| Like, how could somebody like this go in a room and just ice themselves? | ||
| Is this what I'm gonna do because I'm in this fucking entertainment field? | ||
| Because what happens? | ||
| And then I think about all these times, one time, I broke into my friend's house and I broke in the window and it was freezing so I couldn't even sleep in that room. | ||
| I had to sleep in the hallway. | ||
| And there was a mattress on the wall that had like pistanes from all the kids and I pulled it down and I slept on it. | ||
| And when I woke up, he had a dog and when it was too cold he just let the dog shit downstairs. | ||
| And there was like 20 pieces of little rolled up shit that had been, you know, like when the juice goes out of them, they just roll up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's those things that you use as a organ? | |
| Remember those? | ||
| Accordions? | ||
| Accordions? | ||
| It was like a piece of shit shrinks like an accordion when the moisture goes out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really does. | |
| So if you take a shit that's this big and you put it in a box, come back a week later, it's like this big. | ||
| How do I know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I did it to a guy in prison. | |
| I took a shit in a welfare box one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, gee. | |
| You know the boxes of cheese, where the cheese comes in, American cheese? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| This dude had long hair and would always try to play me like he was with the biker dudes. | ||
| Oh, so you took a shit in a box for him? | ||
| But he played. | ||
| He worked in the kitchen. | ||
| He forgot I ran the kitchen, and it was all me and black dudes. | ||
| So one day I got one of the welfare cheese boxes, and I took like a 22, 24-inch. | ||
| It looked like a lizard. | ||
| It was just long, like, you know, thin at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what are those things that move? | |
| Like a snail. | ||
| That's what it looked like, a long brown snail. | ||
| And I fit it perfectly into this cheese box. | ||
| And I took a flag, an American flag, like, from the cheese, and I put it on top. | ||
| And I put it in this drawer. | ||
| And every night, and he had the first bunk. | ||
| On the way out, everybody had to walk back. | ||
| And all the black guys would open the door and go, God damn, it smells like shit in this motherfucker. | ||
| And he kept saying, I know it does. | ||
| I don't know why it smells like shit in here. | ||
| And after like a month, one day he went in his drawer. | ||
| Everybody kept saying, man, it smells like shit in here. | ||
| He went in his drawer, opened it up, and he found this box. | ||
| He opened it up, and I'll never forget him knocking on my bunk going, I'm going to find out who did this to me. | ||
| And I go, what'd they do to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, look at this! | |
| And I go, what is it? | ||
| And I knew it was shit. | ||
| But it had shrunken down from the 24 inches to like 6 little inches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It just shrunk down when all the moisture goes out. | ||
| It just shrunk down like a fucking... | ||
| I don't even know why I'm telling you that story. | ||
| It's a hilarious story. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's a hilarious story. | ||
| These are fun times, Joey Diaz. | ||
| I think we're the last of the regular humans. | ||
| I think we got our children's generation maybe one more after that, and I really do believe it's over. | ||
| I think we're gonna integrate with fucking computers. | ||
| I think we're real close to it now. | ||
| Can't even go a whole podcast without looking at our phone. | ||
| Oh, what's the time is it? | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| We're gonna integrate with computers. | ||
| We're gonna all be living in some weird world. | ||
| We got this fucking virtual reality thing here now, the HTC vibe. | ||
| You should try this thing out. | ||
| It'll freak you the fuck out. | ||
| You think you're in another place. | ||
| There's zombie games and games where you're on top of a castle, defending the castle, shooting arrows down at monsters that are coming at you. | ||
| We're entering into a weird world right now, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Computers and us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's nothing. | |
| We got too much information, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That too. | ||
| We have too much information. | ||
| It's a part of these things. | ||
| Too much information. | ||
| Well, listen. | ||
| On this thing, I do not have social media. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| You do know that. | ||
| I only have Twitter around here. | ||
| Oh, that's social media. | ||
| I don't have Facebook. | ||
| I don't have nothing. | ||
| But that is social media. | ||
| And I got my hotmail hotmail. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| When I tell people hotmail, they go, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| So you limit your interaction. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Limit my interaction. | ||
| On the road, the iPad, no social media. | ||
| I'm convinced. | ||
| Netflix and a writing app. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| What do you use for a writing app? | ||
| Whatever app came with it. | ||
| Writing, whatever. | ||
| It has sections. | ||
| I have jokes, books. | ||
| I have chapters, this, that, thoughts, things I'm working on. | ||
| Is it notes? | ||
| Is that what you write on? | ||
| I don't know what it's called. | ||
| It looks like yellow paper? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Notes I have on the phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I write on here from time to time, but nothing too fucking crazy. | ||
| But you write on something that's on an iPad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what I do is I'll write on a notebook in the mornings, and then once I take the baby to whatever, I'll go to the coffee shop and transfer it if I really like it to the iPad, and I'll work on it from there. | ||
| And then I look at the whole thing as a whole now instead of in a notebook, and I don't know my spelling, and I can't remember what that word was. | ||
| The social media part is the big part of all this that I'm talking about is that we're just getting closer and closer to each other in some weird ways. | ||
| This is going to be nothing compared to the next wave. | ||
| Whatever the next wave is, but they really do figure out a way to integrate either virtual reality or what they're calling augmented reality. | ||
| Like you'll wear a pair of sunglasses and you can have Google Maps sitting up on it. | ||
| You can Google things, you can see images, give you navigation. | ||
| It's going to get real weird, Joey. | ||
| See, Joe Rogan, I'm still a fan of life. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| And it bothers people. | ||
| And it bothers me when somebody's not a fan of life, so I don't want them around me anymore. | ||
| Who's not a fan of life? | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| We've forgotten. | ||
| Really? | ||
| We've forgotten. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Too many cameras. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too many pictures. | ||
| Too many videos. | ||
| Listen, I was raised in society. | ||
| You don't see too many... | ||
| Really tough to me to find pictures of me as a young kid. | ||
| Really tough. | ||
| Yeah, there's not a lot of pictures taken back then. | ||
| I came from a society where... | ||
| No, and I came from a society where put the camera away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Good. | ||
| What's that for? | ||
| It's a part. | ||
| Put the camera away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Put the camera away. | ||
| Well, we need more of that backstage, right? | ||
| Put the camera away. | ||
| My way. | ||
| You know, I'm a stern believer. | ||
| I don't like text messages. | ||
| Not because I'm a prick or a douchebag. | ||
| I want to hear Joe Rogan's voice. | ||
| There's some people I don't want to hear your fucking voice. | ||
| I want to hear your voice because I know what you're thinking if I hear your voice. | ||
| I care about you. | ||
| I care about you too. | ||
| So I want to hear your voice. | ||
| I always tell people that I love that thing that you do. | ||
| You're like my one friend. | ||
| The only time I ever text you is if you text me first. | ||
| I'll text you back. | ||
| But I call you. | ||
| We talk on the phone. | ||
| You have to check in. | ||
| You have to be as human. | ||
| There's days I don't have nothing on my books. | ||
| And I don't want to do comedy, but guess what I'll do? | ||
| I'll push myself, I'll be sore, and I'll push myself to go row. | ||
| Because that's human contact. | ||
| And it's the most positive human contact you'll ever have. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Me and you roll on the street, we're fighting about something. | ||
| But me and you hit knuckles and I grab your gi and I pull you into my car. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| And fucking, that's his human contact. | ||
| So I know I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that tonight. | ||
| I'm going to write a little bit, maybe spend some time with the girls. | ||
| Maybe I'm going to take the girls for dinner. | ||
| But I also know that I'm going to make myself have that human contact of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Oh, you're gay, Joey. | ||
| You're just a closet fag because you're rolling with men. | ||
| That's great! | ||
| But I had human contact. | ||
| I had an emotion. | ||
| I shook hands with a guy. | ||
| A guy sweat on me, and I sweat on a man, which builds a certain type of emotion between two men. | ||
| And they don't have to be homosexual. | ||
| That's a different type of fucking man. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| When you stop what you're doing and go, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| Get the underhook. | ||
| And while you're teaching me something, I'm sweating on my fat fucking potato chip sweat. | ||
| It's landing on Joe Rogan's neck, but you're going, Joey, grab my neck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| Squeeze! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| There you go. | ||
| Now do that to me next time. | ||
| You know what that does to your psyche as a man? | ||
| That a man that's beating you is teaching you how to let get out. | ||
| So, Joe, I got you in this guillotine, but stick your hand there. | ||
| Go, and you're sweating. | ||
| And you're like, I can't. | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Just put your hand in there one time. | ||
| Just squeeze real tight. | ||
| Ooh, there you go. | ||
| Joey, Joey, Joey. | ||
| You're fucking killing me. | ||
| Jesus, Joe. | ||
| That's a complete different part of a man. | ||
| I think so too. | ||
| I think that that's... | ||
| I think it's good for you. | ||
| The human contact. | ||
| It also alleviates the tension of like, men have tension that they might get into a physical altercation. | ||
| You don't think that way if you do jujitsu. | ||
| My gym is great. | ||
| You relax. | ||
| Walking, people are scared of vitamin D. This society has scared people of the sunlight. | ||
| You gotta get out in the sun a little bit. | ||
| That cures depression. | ||
| There's depression people talk about. | ||
| Again, you know how many times I have to be depressed? | ||
| You know how many times I've had opportunities to call you up and go, I'm depressed. | ||
| I get depressed for ten fucking minutes. | ||
| Then I smoke this dootsu dootsu and expired fucking chibichu and I think of something that you said and I laugh my fucking ass off. | ||
| You know? | ||
| On the way up here, I was hide and fuck. | ||
| And there used to be this guy that used to fuck with me at a body shop as a detailer. | ||
| Used to fuck with me every day. | ||
| Couldn't beat him up. | ||
| He's a lot bigger than I would. | ||
| So I had to use my mind. | ||
| So I saw a dead mouse one day. | ||
| And I took him and I put him in his jacket pocket. | ||
| And he was driving to work one morning and he went in his pocket for a cigarette and he found the mouse and he crashed his car. | ||
| Joey, we're at almost like four hours. | ||
| Alright, let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Thank you very much for having me. | ||
| Vegas is sold out. | ||
| Utah is sold out. | ||
| I'm in Kansas City with you. | ||
| I'm at the improv while you're doing a theater, so we'll do dinner. | ||
| Let's get dinner like gentlemen. | ||
| And then I'm in Nashville and Huntsville, Alabama at the end of the month. | ||
| But besides that, I'm home. | ||
| It was a pleasure seeing you. | ||
| You look great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you, brother. | |
| And we'll take your offer up and we'll train and we'll have Jamie take some pictures. | ||
| Yeah, man, we'll do that. | ||
| We'll come in, we'll do a cycle of the different cardiovascular machines and then we'll do a circuit of the cardiovascular machines and do a circuit of like some kettlebell exercises. | ||
| Can you do chin-ups? | ||
| Do you do chin-ups at all? | ||
| How's your shoulder? | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| Terrible? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Have you ever done clubs? | ||
| You've done clubs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I have clubs. | |
| Aubrey sent me clubs. | ||
| I do the Alberto Crane club workout. | ||
| Friday, I'm gonna see my man Joe Schilling and shit. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Get a little tune-up from Uncle Joe. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| We got a bunch of shit on here. | ||
| We got medicine balls and a heavy bag. | ||
| Yeah, I see. | ||
| We'll have a nice workout. | ||
| Okay, thank you very much. | ||
| Anytime you want to come down here, man, we can do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anytime. | |
| What time do you usually get here? | ||
| I know you drop the girls off and then you shoot right over, right? | ||
| A lot of times I come here early and work out, but sometimes I can't do it until the afternoon. | ||
| But we'll work something out. | ||
| We'll do some shit. | ||
| And thank you for the experience of Disneyland. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, bro. | ||
| It's fun, right? | ||
| But just the way you told me to do it, like I looked at it, my wife's like, what, are you crazy? | ||
| I go, listen, the man says there's only one way to do it. | ||
| I invited our brother, Eddie. | ||
| We had a great time with the kids. | ||
| Yeah, I heard it was awesome. | ||
| I heard it was awesome. | ||
| Fucking thank you, brother. | ||
| Thank God for some place like Disneyland when you have kids. | ||
| When you didn't have kids, you're like, give the fuck about Disneyland. | ||
| But when you have kids, it's like, oh. | ||
| Did I tell you they stopped me at the gate because they found an edible on me? | ||
| Yeah, you did tell me. | ||
|
unidentified
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And then they fucking met me. | |
| You had to go back and throw it out. | ||
| And then I ate half of it. | ||
| And the guy goes, I didn't see you. | ||
| Listen, I ate it. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
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I love you too, man. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Happy Fourth of July, everybody. | ||
| Happy Fourth of July. | ||
|
unidentified
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Bye. | |
| That was great. |
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