June 22, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:28:57
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Four, three, two, one. | ||
| Kyle Donegan, ladies and gentlemen! | ||
| That's right, baby. | ||
| Headphones or no headphones? | ||
| Oh, sure, headphones. | ||
| Grab them, right there. | ||
| Be a goddamn professional, sir. | ||
| Yeah, baby. | ||
| Where'd you get that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, baby. | |
| Well, I just noticed she answers herself. | ||
| I like how you say she. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I'm very politically correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But she'll be like, yeah, so I went and I bought some Jimmy Choo's, yeah, yeah. | |
| And I called my sister, yeah. | ||
| So she's like, I think she spends a lot of time alone, maybe, and she's answering herself. | ||
| What is going on with her voice? | ||
| Because she didn't have that voice when she was Bruce. | ||
| It's a different voice. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I thought it was pretty similar. | ||
| It's like, what's different? | ||
| It's a little higher or something? | ||
| It's like numb. | ||
| Like her face is numb. | ||
| Oh, her face. | ||
| Yeah, baby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Well, Bruce was... | ||
| I thought she was, did you see her show, I Am Kate? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| She had like a reality show, which bombed. | ||
| I mean, how much of a boring person do you have to be when, I mean, how interesting is like an ex-Olympic athlete turns into a woman and you're so boring, still no one wants to see that show. | ||
| Yeah, she needed a better producer. | ||
| Seems like you could put her in interesting situations. | ||
| That show could go on forever. | ||
| She was boring. | ||
| Like, I watched it. | ||
| I tried to watch it. | ||
| It was boring. | ||
| God, I feel like there's... | ||
| I just feel like they missed the formula. | ||
| Like, that is a fascinating situation. | ||
| Someone who waits until they're 60 years old and then becomes a man. | ||
| Yeah, how could that show not do well? | ||
| How could it? | ||
| I think what happened was she wasn't open about her transition. | ||
| It wasn't about that. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She didn't really talk about what was interesting. | |
| You know, she doesn't believe in gay marriage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when I was on her side. | |
| And I was like, yeah, she's a supporter. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| I mean, what? | ||
| How? | ||
| She said, well, I'm kind of a traditionalist. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a traditional girl, yeah. | ||
| And Ellen is a very, maybe one of the wittiest people, you know, very witty, and she went like this, well, how? | ||
| She was completely lost for words. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it makes no sense. | ||
| Well, Ellen held her feet to the fire, and their big feet. | ||
| She burned those feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I held my 17 Jimmy Choo to the fire, baby. | |
| She's got to order those custom, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| For her to be against any group that she knows what it feels like to be shunned or unbelievable. | ||
| It's just crazy. | ||
| She's just decided that she's a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A Republican woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like, ew, lesbians grow. | |
| But she's a lesbian now. | ||
| Yeah, but now I date men, baby. | ||
| Does she? | ||
| Or she's dating a trans... | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so confused. | |
| I'm exhausted. | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| Imagine if you were a man, okay, and then you became a woman and you dated a woman who became a man. | ||
| What in the fuck is happening? | ||
| You're like one of those yin-yangs spinning through space. | ||
| Yeah, and then you're like, gay marriage is gross. | ||
| Like, I'm gonna judge that. | ||
| They need to cut her brain open and figure out what's going on. | ||
| There's a lot of confusion and a lot of wanting to fit in and a lot of, you know... | ||
| It just doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And I really like people going through that, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. | ||
| I really just think she's kind of an asshole. | ||
| Oh, this is her girlfriend. | ||
| So the girlfriend used to be a boy, too? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fascinating. | |
| That is, wow. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Girlfriend used to be a boy. | ||
| That's what she used to look like? | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| The world is so strange. | ||
| And then she's like, I just, she's not a great person. | ||
| I mean, she killed that lady with her car and then said nothing. | ||
| That was the weird thing. | ||
| Did you see the footage? | ||
| No. | ||
| It looks completely like her fault. | ||
| She bumped into this lady who was stopped and the lady went across traffic and died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no one talked about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was like, I was, you know, putting on some of my land comb in the mirror. | |
| Didn't share. | ||
| Is that what she said? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think she was looking at her phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to see this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| I'm going to feel bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some poor lady died and no one gives a fuck because the story is not that. | ||
| The story is she's a woman now. | ||
| She's always been a woman. | ||
| She's always been a woman. | ||
| I mean, it was good timing for her because people like ignored that and sort of went... | ||
| Well, crazy timing. | ||
| That was Brouche! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That video that you did of that. | ||
| Why did you start doing these videos? | ||
| I'll tell you, I was having like midlife crisis panic, waking up at three in the morning, like moments. | ||
| I was writing for the show, this was last year, and it was a great job. | ||
| Everyone was really nice. | ||
| And something in my subconscious felt like, I don't know, like I had to get out and I quit the job. | ||
| And I was like, I'm just going to make... | ||
| Videos on Instagram. | ||
| What a great business move. | ||
| Let me lose my health insurance and make videos for free on Instagram. | ||
| Dude, you have the funniest page on Instagram. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| I haven't seen them all, but all the ones I've seen, without a doubt, you have the funniest page. | ||
| Oh, thank you very, very much. | ||
| I mean, I went because of you from like 20,000 now, like 240 something. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Because of you and Tom Segura and Bill Burr also like pumped it up. | ||
| It's just how good they are, man. | ||
| It's viral. | ||
| Once people watch a few of those. | ||
| Dude, the one that you did where she was describing the different utensils that she uses to get herself off with. | ||
| The Weed Whacker and all these. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I'm close! | ||
| Come on, girls! | ||
| Ask my girls to help me out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gotta finish. | |
| When did you start doing the face swap thing? | ||
| Are you using an Instagram filter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's an app. | |
| There's a face swap app you can download. | ||
| And there's one for the Trump. | ||
| I was doing Trump at first and I don't look anything like him. | ||
| So this was like a way to do a character and have a kind of baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That jumps in Stormy Daniels once. | |
| Terrific! | ||
| Stormy! | ||
| How'd you get my number? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| The other one that made me cry was Kim Kardashian and Trump when Kim couldn't figure out how to open up the door and just buzzer it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait for the buzzer! | |
| There's the weird buzzing noise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's when you push it. | |
| Those take so long. | ||
| I don't think anyone spends as much time making videos for Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Kim K. I'm at the side door. | |
| Okay, I'll push you in. | ||
| The door is closed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you gotta push it. | |
| It's locked. | ||
| Yeah, wait until I buzz you. | ||
| Okay, push it. | ||
| Why didn't you open it? | ||
| There was a weird buzzing noise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that means open the door. | |
| It's a lock. | ||
| You have to wait until I buzz you, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Go! | ||
| But I just got here. | ||
| No, go in the door! | ||
| But I can't go in the door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a solid. | |
| Holy shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No offense, but this would have been a lot funnier if I was in it. | |
| Yeah, baby! | ||
| So that's what I do with my time. | ||
| I'm a grown man. | ||
| Yeah, you're an actual full grown man. | ||
| I'm an old grown man. | ||
| I'm a man boy. | ||
| So you really just decided to start doing these full time? | ||
| It wasn't even like a brave decision or anything. | ||
| I really couldn't sleep. | ||
| I was having panic attacks. | ||
| I think I saw my future and it was like, I'm going to be a writer and writing for people for the rest of my life. | ||
| You get addicted to the money and the insurance and all that. | ||
| It happens to so many comics. | ||
| It happens like, and I heard about it and I didn't see it coming. | ||
| And it just, I suddenly woke up last summer and I'm like, I have to stop or I'll do this forever. | ||
| There are a few friends of mine who are really, really funny comics and they can't work. | ||
| Because they spent so many years doing sitcoms as a writer, or doing sketch shows as a writer, that they don't have a following. | ||
| They don't have a following in the road, but they're world-class comedians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you know Owen Smith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Nobody knows who he is. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you're one of the 20 best comics in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's crazy. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And super nice guy, too. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Ian Edwards, same shit. | ||
| I mean, more people know Ian now than before, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| It's a trap. | ||
| It's a fucking trap. | ||
| You've only so much creative energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you're giving it to someone else, you're done. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| You're tired all day, you're stuck in an office, and then you have to go on the road. | ||
| Like, if you want to be a comic, you have to do sets multiple times a week, and you've got to go on the road. | ||
| It's just the way it is. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no other way to do it. | ||
| If you get in your 50s, and you're not famous, you don't have a decent following, like, you're fucked. | ||
| You're screwed. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucked. | ||
| Unless you're Ron White. | ||
| Like, Ron White got famous in his late 40s. | ||
| He was living in Mexico in his 40s. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like, done. | ||
| And then Jeff Foxworthy contacted him, and they started doing that blue-collar comedy tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Now he's got a private jet balling out of control. | ||
| Big fat house in Beverly Hills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Sweet! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Woo! | ||
| Rodney Dangerfield, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he quit. | ||
| He quit doing stand-up. | ||
| Was selling aluminum siding. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And then came back. | ||
| But the entire time he was away, he was writing. | ||
| Which is really crazy. | ||
| So he came back with a fuckload of material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And also came back with a sharper style. | ||
| Like came back more edited, more precise. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and that's where it changed. | ||
| I feel like, I can't believe how old I got. | ||
| Like, you don't notice it. | ||
| If anyone's listening, they're like in their 20s. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| I'm 40. I just turned 47. I'm 50. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
| You're a little further along than me career-wise, so I'm not as worried about you. | ||
| You don't wake up with night terrors, do you? | ||
| But you did, huh? | ||
| Yeah, I really did. | ||
| There's certain moments, you don't think about being old, but like, you know when you put your date of birth in online to buy something? | ||
| That scroll? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zing, zing! | |
| I'm scrolling forever. | ||
| Your whole life going by. | ||
| You were born in 70? | ||
| 71. Yeah, it's a good year for cars. | ||
| You're the pig. | ||
| Last good year for cars. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about a Tesla? | ||
| You hate Teslas? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean muscle cars. | ||
| Oh, muscle cars. | ||
| Like American muscle cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like the 1960s to 1971. 1971 was essentially the last good year for cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We like muscle. | ||
| Me and Joe are both ripped. | ||
| Both ripped to shit. | ||
| But, you know, those classic American cars. | ||
| There was a few years where they were unbelievably cool. | ||
| And then after like 71, they fell apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you just caught it at the perfect time. | |
| I mean, that's what I'm known for, being born right at the end of muscle cars. | ||
| The 71 Barracuda. | ||
| That was probably the last. | ||
| You're a big car guy, huh? | ||
| I love cars. | ||
| I do too, but I drive a Honda Civic because that's what I can afford. | ||
| Well, I had a Honda Civic once, too. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They start up every time you need them to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had it for 15 years. | ||
| They're the fucking shit, those cars. | ||
| Every time you put that key in, there's no confusion. | ||
| There's no problem. | ||
| There's no worry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| No anticipation. | ||
| Come on, baby. | ||
| Come on, baby. | ||
| I treat it like crap, too. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Those things are bulletproof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They last forever. | ||
| I love Toyotas. | ||
| I have a Lexus. | ||
| I love those things. | ||
| They never fuck up. | ||
| I'm on the waiting list for the Lexus. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| Tesla. | ||
| Oh, which one? | ||
| The three? | ||
| The new, the cheaper one. | ||
| The three, yeah. | ||
| Three. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's still, like, suspiciously expensive. | ||
| Do you see what's going on with Tesla and the former employee? | ||
| Some employee was sabotaging code and leaking information, and now the employee is saying... | ||
| That, you know, trying to say something about Elon Musk, there was waste that he was a whistleblower. | ||
| He's not saying he's a sabotage, he's a whistleblower. | ||
| But they were saying he's a disgruntled employee because he owed money. | ||
| It's become this gigantic thing, and Elon Musk is suing this guy. | ||
| Stealing code and then selling it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know the exact specifics of it. | ||
| But he did something. | ||
| He did something bad. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We hate that guy. | ||
| We don't like them. | ||
| Well, that car is like, it's like, it's $35,000. | ||
| But if you want tires, it's $45,000. | ||
| Oh, is it one of those deals? | ||
| You can get it up to $75,000, right? | ||
| Yeah, if you want. | ||
| Tesla, you know. | ||
| I just need, I need money. | ||
| I'm thinking of starting a fund so I can get a Tesla. | ||
| You know, people have like charity, like GoFundMe's. | ||
| You should have a Patreon, where you just commit to doing one of those videos every X amount of days. | ||
| I'm hearing about that. | ||
| I gotta get into the business side of things, but... | ||
| Well, that's the problem, is creative people rarely are business-minded. | ||
| I'm spending like $400 a month on just phone calls I'm not making to like AT&T and stuff. | ||
| I need to, like, get my business side in order. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You know, like, you keep... | ||
| You get a subscription to something you don't use anymore, and then you can't figure out how to cancel it. | ||
| Like, oh, that's happening in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're good at that. | ||
| They want to make it difficult for you to quit. | ||
| Yeah, like, they'll go, hey, have these vitamins. | ||
| You have one month free. | ||
| And then before you get the vitamins, you have to cancel in order to stop the next month from being charged. | ||
| You see what I'm saying? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm up on my petard right now. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, so when you do these videos How many how many hours you think are involved in like like the Kanye one the one the most recent which is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I I've gotten quicker at them, but it still takes an inordinate amount of time Probably because there's like I get the idea and like I'll write something quick and then like I'll sleep on it and then like I'll work out more try to edit it down because you want to make it like Pretty tight. | ||
| Online people don't want a minute of fluff or anything. | ||
| No, you gotta go quick. | ||
| Yeah, and the actual process of getting them to talk, I'll take the person who talks the most, like if it's Caitlin, and I'll film that, and I'll have the whole script written out. | ||
| So as I film it, in my mouth, I'll talk the other words, so the timing is kind of close enough. | ||
| And then I'll send that video to myself, to my... | ||
| I'll airdrop it to my laptop and turn it really low. | ||
| And then I'll do the next character and have that playing so I can have that synced up right. | ||
| And I pair those and do the next person like that. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Got a lot of time on my hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm only 47, so... | ||
| So what was the thought process when you quit? | ||
| You just couldn't do it? | ||
| You had to get out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just... | ||
| Something was like panicking. | ||
| It just was, I think, seeing my life and going, I want to at least try to be a performer is what I wanted to do. | ||
| I can't even read very well. | ||
| Being a writer to me is... | ||
| It's not as fun. | ||
| I mean, if I didn't have the experience before, I don't think I'd feel this way. | ||
| It's just, I got a taste. | ||
| I had some stuff that I did that I really enjoyed. | ||
| I think I just saw the The trappings of it. | ||
| Well, some people are really good writers, and that's what they want to do. | ||
| That's all they want to do. | ||
| They don't want to perform. | ||
| But the problem with being a good performer is sometimes you can help other people out. | ||
| Like, hey, maybe if you just tighten this up here, and maybe if you just explain this a little better, it would work better. | ||
| And you start writing. | ||
| The next thing you're like, hey, would you work on my show? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And you're there in the office, and you've got a cork board, and you're putting index cards up, and you're like, oh my god. | ||
| And then you get that check every week, and you're like, that's a nice check. | ||
| And I'm really thankful for those jobs, and they were really great. | ||
| I have a house and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, this is like last power drive, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| If this doesn't work out with Instagram, I mean, just this, though, I'm really excited because now I can do little theaters. | ||
| The draw directly from Instagram has enabled me to get out of clubs and stuff. | ||
| So it worked. | ||
| And I feel the audience. | ||
| I just did shows in San Francisco. | ||
| It's such a difference when the audience knows what you do and who you are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instead of having to take them through this. | ||
| Well, you might be one of the only guys that's done it that way, though, through characters in little short one-minute videos. | ||
| Yeah, because I started off with that, but then there was no money in sketch, really. | ||
| And so I got into stand-up because I needed to make money. | ||
| And so I never felt stand-up was what I did the best. | ||
| But now I feel like I'm getting a little better at stand-up, and I'm actually enjoying it more now. | ||
| But the characters and impressions is... | ||
| When you do shows, do you ever play videos? | ||
| Do you play videos? | ||
| I did a show. | ||
| I have a show at Largo that I do every couple months, and I did show videos. | ||
| It was the owner's idea. | ||
| And that was, you know, really fun. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if you make... | ||
| Some videos specific to the show? | ||
| That's exactly... | ||
| I didn't do that, but watching it, I was like, that's what I should do. | ||
| Like, have Trump be like, next up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's terrific. | |
| Believe me, or whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have him host. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then, you know, have Caitlyn Jenner's take on different things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, baby. | |
| And just, you know, Caitlyn's tips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Caitlyn's tips. | |
| I did a thing where I brought her out in between. | ||
| She's working on her one-person show, was just the idea I had. | ||
| So I had that greatest love. | ||
| I had the audience surfed. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you could do easily some sort of a multimedia presentation type thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like it would be a really great idea. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to put together something to do some kind of special. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah! | ||
| Yeah, just sandwich bits in between. | ||
| Do some stand-up and go... | ||
| I wonder... | ||
| I wonder what Stormy Daniels would do, or, you know, just, you could, anything, I mean, any weird way that you decide to transition. | ||
| Where'd you get the Stormy Daniels voice? | ||
| Does it sound anything like her? | ||
| I have no idea how she talks. | ||
| I just thought she was like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, can't wait to get your cock in my mouth again. | |
| When she's calling Trump up. | ||
| She actually sounds nothing like that. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But it doesn't matter. | ||
| But she seems like she talks like this. | ||
| I'm stormy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| There was one that you did that looked like your face. | ||
| Jared Kushner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that it? | |
| He's a little bit like me. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| But all of them are face-swapped. | ||
| None of them are you. | ||
| I do a character, Craig, that's like... | ||
| Oh, that guy with the glasses? | ||
| Like, ma'am! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chicken mat. | |
| That's my real mom. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| She's a good actress. | ||
| The first take, she didn't know what I was doing, and that was real and honest, but after that, she knew she was acting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's really good. | |
| It seems very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It seems like you're annoying the shit out of your mom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, when you decided to do this, there's no... | ||
| I mean, unless you're a hot chick selling whatever. | ||
| What do they sell? | ||
| Sunglasses or some shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Makeup. | |
| Skinny tea? | ||
| Detox tea? | ||
| Skinny tea. | ||
| Yeah, unless you're... | ||
| I've never made a fucking penny off of Instagram. | ||
| Neither have I. You haven't either? | ||
| Well, I've actually just... | ||
| Ticket sales I have, I guess. | ||
| Right, right, right, yeah. | ||
| But yeah, I haven't monetized or... | ||
| I haven't been thinking about that. | ||
| I just kind of... | ||
| I feel good if people like it. | ||
| It just makes me feel like I have some purpose or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I feel like I've done something. | ||
| And building... | ||
| If I could build an audience and come to my shows, I'll be really happy about that. | ||
| So you were doing mostly clubs before and now you're moving into theaters? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And this is all over the last few months? | ||
| 100% from Instagram. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| It is. | ||
| So it worked. | ||
| You're a success story. | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| It's working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| It's really exciting, and thank you again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My pleasure, dude. | |
| You're my personal Santa Claus. | ||
| Dude, my fucking whole family's so sick of watching your videos. | ||
| My wife got angry the other day. | ||
| She was in the toilet, and I was like, just watch. | ||
| I opened the door, I go, just watch this. | ||
| Watch this one. | ||
| Watch this one, because it was the Kanye West one. | ||
| I was crying. | ||
| She's like, what the fuck are you laughing at? | ||
| And I was like, watch this. | ||
| Just watch this. | ||
| Yeah, Kanye West, my worst impression. | ||
| Dude, it was great. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| When Caitlin's like, shut the fuck up, Kim. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, Kim. | ||
| It's a genius at work. | ||
| Yeah, Kim. | ||
| Oh, the other one. | ||
| The other one about the baby dying in her womb. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's preggers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm pregnant, too. | ||
| Babies can breathe in their womb. | ||
| Yeah, I shoved him up my new vag. | ||
| Dad, do you have a womb? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| Let me go crap this out. | ||
| It's probably dead. | ||
| But then they go immediately to the lipstick. | ||
| It's just so perfect. | ||
| Because, like... | ||
| Instagram, it's almost like you have optimized Instagram better than anybody. | ||
| You really have nailed it. | ||
| You've nailed it for comedy. | ||
| Because everybody else, like mine included, if you go to my Instagram, you have to fucking dig to find out I'm a comedian. | ||
| And you gotta go looking around. | ||
| You can find anything there. | ||
| All kinds of stuff. | ||
| I just take a picture. | ||
| I find a picture. | ||
| I think it's cool. | ||
| I put it up there. | ||
| There's no rhyme or reason. | ||
| Yours is like a show. | ||
| Like your Instagram page, KyleDunigan1.com. | ||
| You gotta go to Kyle Dunnigan 1. There was a Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| He's gotten all my Gmail accounts. | ||
| He grabbed everything. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| And I asked my nephew, I'm like, what should I do? | ||
| Because over Christmas, I'm like, I'm just going to do Instagram videos and see what happens. | ||
| And I was like, what should I do different? | ||
| And he's like, you should take the one out. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the one's stupid. | |
| The kids' ones are... | ||
| Yeah, it's stupid. | ||
| Why'd you go with one? | ||
| You can't change it now, though. | ||
| How about the real Kyle Dunnigan? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Marketing is not my thing. | ||
| I am Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| People do that. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan comedy would have been fine. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a lot of words. | ||
| A lot of letters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Instagram is in my wheelhouse. | ||
| I like to edit. | ||
| I like to do quick... | ||
| You know, stuff. | ||
| No, it's perfect. | ||
| But your channel, your page, is like a channel. | ||
| Unlike most people's Instagram pages. | ||
| Yeah, I treat it like a show. | ||
| Yeah, it is like a show. | ||
| It's almost like you should have a regular Instagram. | ||
| Nah, you shouldn't even. | ||
| You just keep doing what you're doing. | ||
| You don't have as long-form videos now for Instagram TV. You can go up to an hour. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right, but I think what he's doing is perfect. | ||
| Instagram TV. Yeah, it's a new thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just came out. | |
| Oh boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh boy. | |
| I just got a panic attack. | ||
| Thinking about doing Caitlin for an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
45 more minutes, everybody! | |
| Oh shit! | ||
| I just spilled coffee all over the studio. | ||
| It's okay, you're not the first. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| No laptops are anywhere near. | ||
| I killed a bunch of laptops, man. | ||
| That's another thing about Mac that pisses me off. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Lenovo, you spill on it, nothing happens. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| They make them waterproof. | ||
| They make them dust resistant. | ||
| They make them mil-spec. | ||
| You can spill on them. | ||
| You can throw a glass of water on the keyboard. | ||
| Not a goddamn thing happens. | ||
| You put one on Apple, they just tell you, nope, you're gonna need a new one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Need a new one. | |
| Don't blow on it. | ||
| We need a lot more napkins. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| If you sneeze on it, it'll blow out. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| Wanna go grab some napkins? | ||
| Hey, grab a couple of those Kill Cliffs, those lime ones. | ||
| I'm very uncoordinated. | ||
| Dude, you're not. | ||
| I do this all the time. | ||
| I'm pretty coordinated, and I fucking spill coffee in here all the time. | ||
| You know, your microphones are in front of you, you start moving your hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm Italian, so I put my hands a lot when I talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a lot of fucking this. | |
| I'm doing a lot of moving with my hands. | ||
| What is your background? | ||
| Mostly Italian, one quarter Irish. | ||
| I'm the same thing. | ||
| Shut the What the fuck up, bro? | ||
| Irish and Italian people are cool. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| Did you do 23andMe? | ||
| I did that. | ||
| No, but I'm doing it right now, and I'm doing a bit about it because I'm secretly hoping that someone in my past had sex with a black person. | ||
| I have 2.7 African. | ||
| Percent? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| But I think it's Northern African. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| I'll take it, and I'm going to run with it. | ||
| It'll open up a whole new realm of material. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Just bring your 23andMe. | ||
| I'm tired of white people. | ||
| I'm gonna start shitting on white people. | ||
| It's so hard to be a white guy. | ||
| That's the hardest thing to be as a white man. | ||
| You have no one to blame, you know? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's your fault. | ||
| But it's also the easiest thing to be. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's both. | |
| No, I know. | ||
| You're kidding. | ||
| You don't have to say you're kidding. | ||
| You're a fucking comedian. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You're still cleaning. | ||
| You don't have to clean anymore, man. | ||
| I'm still cleaning. | ||
| Listen, the thing is, the more coffee that's on this table, the better it looks. | ||
| It's gonna smell good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This thing's weathered. | ||
| This is a weathered table. | ||
| Here, give me that. | ||
| I'll chuck that in the garbage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Thanks. | ||
| This coffee has character. | ||
| Or this table, rather. | ||
| Character. | ||
| High maintenance. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're fine, dude. | ||
| So... | ||
| You've got to have some measure of satisfaction that this moment that you had... | ||
| See, I love stories like that. | ||
| Because you have this moment where you're like, I gotta do something. | ||
| I can't do this anymore. | ||
| And then you did, and it worked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sleeping a lot better. | ||
| I've been in this business for a long time, and there's been so many. | ||
| I could talk for nine hours about the disappointments, but I still feel lucky that I was able to make a living or whatever, but there's some luck involved. | ||
| I mean, I was lucky you came across it. | ||
| I mean, I've had so many... | ||
| I wish I knew who told me about you. | ||
| I wish I could remember. | ||
| It might have been Tom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom... | |
| Yeah, Tom probably was Tom. | ||
| He was pretty... | ||
| It was a comic. | ||
| Pretty sure it was a comic. | ||
| It might have been Tom. | ||
| He was the first one to repost one of mine, I think. | ||
| Maybe that's what it was. | ||
| I did this show. | ||
| Oh, I won't go into it. | ||
| What? | ||
| I have so many disaster stories where I thought I was like, get ready for the rocket ship, Kyle. | ||
| You better go mansion shopping because things are about to take off. | ||
| And just always something. | ||
| I did this Jamie Foxx sketch show pilot. | ||
| To get a part on a network show, it's a lot of auditions. | ||
| You climb a mountain to get the role. | ||
| And I was feeling like this is my last shot and everything. | ||
| And I got there and we couldn't... | ||
| We weren't allowed to write for ourselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It was a WGA rules or something. | ||
| And you have a character. | ||
| No one else can really write for it. | ||
| And the people that were writing... | ||
| Two of them just got out of prison and they were not comedy writers. | ||
| Like Jamie Foxx, he has a huge career. | ||
| He didn't really... | ||
| I think he just was like, let me give my friends this, because I got all this other stuff going on. | ||
| He just didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He didn't need it. | ||
| No, he would show up like once a week. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he's busy. | ||
| And he'd come in with glasses... | ||
| We'd go and we'd read the script and there'd be no ending or seemingly point. | ||
| And then I remember one time he threw the script in the air and he was like, fuck the script! | ||
| Do you! | ||
| You do you! | ||
| You know, when he walked out and the executives were like, no, you can't do the script. | ||
| It was like that. | ||
| It was like you climb this mountain and there's an Arby's at the top. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| These writers called me into their office once and they were like, yeah, we had this idea for these guys who never wrote a sketch before. | ||
| And they were like, this idea that you're Jimmy Bond. | ||
| You know James Bond? | ||
| You're Jimmy Bond, all right? | ||
| And you're in an airplane, right? | ||
| And like, take it, take it. | ||
| And the next guy would be like, yeah, and you order like a soda, like a Coca-Cola, or a Sprite, or like a Mountain Dew, or a Diet Coke. | ||
| And I'm like, uh-huh. | ||
| And then that was it. | ||
| And then I just was sitting there in dead silence like... | ||
| What? | ||
| And then we had, like, this show, which came out very mediocre. | ||
| What was this sketch show? | ||
| When was this sketch show? | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| It was called Into Flow. | ||
| It got changed to, like, something else. | ||
| And it just became, like, it was Afyon Crockett's show. | ||
| I was, like, a cast member or whatever. | ||
| And then at the end, you know, Fox pays all this, millions of dollars, and Afian's going, all Fox cares about is their wallets, but we showed them, not realizing we had to wait for a pickup, and I'm just standing on stage thinking this is my last shot to have anything, because I was already like 40, and I just was like... | ||
| Then we go to the wrap party, and the whole thing was just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what happened at the wrap party? | |
| Me and Eric Andre is on, too. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And so we just were like, what's happening? | ||
| And we go late to the wrap party, and we walk into this nice restaurant, and Jamie Foxx is standing up, and there's a whole big table, and he's going down, what's your favorite animal? | ||
| What's your favorite animal? | ||
| Everyone's like, goose. | ||
| I mean a rabbit! | ||
| Like, everyone's just, like, scared. | ||
| And then he goes, what's your second favorite animal? | ||
| What's your second favorite animal? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And everyone's just terrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he goes, the first animal's who you think you are. | ||
| The second animal's who you really are. | ||
| I told Tom Cruise that, and he said it was awesome. | ||
| Anyway, it's Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna write a book one day just called Humiliated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About all my stories. | |
| A long career of ground balls. | ||
| I've had so many, like, where I really was going shopping for houses that had to stop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, several, like, I had this Pizza Hut campaign, which was like, get ready to, like, open up several bank accounts. | ||
| And it was like, the big New Yorker pizza! | ||
| You know, there's an explosion of flavors. | ||
| As we're shooting, this is a campaign of videos. | ||
| 9-11 happened. | ||
| As we're shooting. | ||
| The explosion of flavors. | ||
| And it was just the wrong vibe to be like, hey, New York, a big explosion of flavors! | ||
| And this whole thing. | ||
| And so they canceled the whole thing. | ||
| They played like, I don't know, for like a month they played a few and then they like dropped it. | ||
| But it was like... | ||
| You know, I shot four. | ||
| I got paid pretty well, but we were going to do six more. | ||
| It was going to be like one of those flow from Progressive. | ||
| You were going to be the Jared of Subway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For Pizza Hut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were going to be the Verizon Can You Hear Me Now guy. | ||
| That's what I was waiting for. | ||
| I don't trust that guy anymore. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| He switched over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He isn't. | |
| Where's he at now? | ||
| Sprint. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| Yeah, I don't hear you as well. | ||
| My mother walked into a pizza hut once while this campaign was happening, and she just pointed at me. | ||
| she was my son's pizza hut I had to tell him I'm actually not pizza hut Anyway, so... | ||
| I feel lucky, but... | ||
| But you found the thing. | ||
| Like, look, dude, your fucking videos make me howl. | ||
| They're really, really funny. | ||
| Like, that's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You... | |
| For whatever it is, the way your mind works... | ||
| It works best for these face swap videos, which is fucked up, man, because it didn't exist until, like, when? | ||
| Was it like two years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long ago? | |
| How many years ago? | ||
| Three years ago? | ||
| I remember the first person I ever saw use it was Chris D'Elia. | ||
| D'Elia was, he did some video where he was Rick from The Walking Dead, and he put it on his Instagram page. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| I'm like, obviously, I can tell something's going on, but that's amazing how close that is. | ||
| Yeah, I was excited right away because I knew the impressions that I do, I don't look like most of them. | ||
| Dude, your trump is fucking phenomenal. | ||
| And when you do it with that wacky face, the one face that you picked for the face swap is so perfect because it looks like he's out of control. | ||
| It looks like he's like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| Fucking amazing, man! | ||
| When are four years up? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Did you see what's going on today? | ||
| Tom Arnold, who hates Trump, has a new show on Vice where he's just running around trying to find incriminating video and audio on Trump. | ||
| The whole show is him on a quest to find incriminating and humiliating video and audio on Trump. | ||
| And he was with Michael Cohen today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes. | ||
| How could he... | ||
| Michael Cohen is apparently going to work with Tom Arnold on this show. | ||
| Is the FBI okay with that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| They were together in this photo. | ||
| I mean, Tom Arnold could be just bullshitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm Tevo-ing that. | ||
| That's coming out? | ||
| Tevo-ing. | ||
| You're still Tevo-ing. | ||
| Who Tevo's anymore? | ||
| Why don't you just get out the VCR? Do you know how to work the clock? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I had things come out of my mouth where it shows my age. | ||
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a video on his Twitter. | |
| This is the Miss Universe tape. | ||
| There's another tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talking about 16-year-old girls and their underwear here, okay? | |
| The N-word tape? | ||
| Celebrity apprentices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then Trump denies any involvement with prostitutes. | |
| Don't worry. | ||
| Tom Arnold is on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The hunt for the Trump tapes with Tom Arnold... | |
| I mean, no one's going to care, no matter what he... | ||
| It's not going to have an effect, probably. | ||
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| Fuck John Gotti. | ||
| Trump is a Teflon gun. | ||
| You see that movie they're saying they scammed Rotten Tomatoes with that movie? | ||
| It's supposed to be the greatest bad movie of all time. | ||
| Well, it got a zero from critics, and an 80 from the audience, and, like, 90% was from, like, their company or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is his correction on the microphone. | |
| When was that taken? | ||
| Oh, is it a correction? | ||
| Some sort of correction. | ||
| He didn't say me and him were teaming up to take down Donald Trump. | ||
| Michael has enough Trump on his plate. | ||
| I'm the crazy person who said me and Michael Cohen were teaming up to take down Trump, of course. | ||
| I meant it. | ||
| Michael doesn't get paid by vice. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Thank you, Tom, for correcting the record. | ||
| Thanks, Tom. | ||
| Thanks for clearing that up, Tom. | ||
| If I was Tom Arnold, I'd be nervous as fuck. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I don't want to get killed. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No. | ||
| Impossible? | ||
| Impossible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think? | |
| You can't kill Tom Arnold. | ||
| What if Putin did it for a favor? | ||
| Putin might be able to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if he just decides, I don't like what you're doing with Trump. | |
| I don't like what you've done. | ||
| This is not a good Russian accent. | ||
| Would you consider doing a Putin on your page? | ||
| Ooh, I will. | ||
| Yes, that's a good idea. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| What is the Russian accent? | ||
| Is this good? | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Just listen to him talk a few times and you'd get it. | ||
| I'm Putin. | ||
| Is this good? | ||
| And then have a bunch of, like, really harsh Russian prostitutes with, like, water flying all over the place, like, squirting. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Piss all over me, you whore! | ||
| All right, see you next week! | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's not a bad idea for a sketch. | ||
| Is there a pee tape or is that a... | ||
| Is that a rumor? | ||
| Do we not know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think it's supposed to be real. | ||
| I think it's supposed to be fake. | ||
| It sounds fake. | ||
| It sounds like something someone would just make up. | ||
| Like not even well planned out. | ||
| What percentage of people like to be peed on? | ||
| It's got to be below 1%. | ||
| That's still a lot. | ||
| There's 300 million people. | ||
| That means 3 million people like to get peed on. | ||
| That's just in this country alone. | ||
| That's a lot of pee. | ||
| It's such a clean-up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't even think it's 1%. | ||
| But even if it's one-tenth of 1%, it's 300,000 people. | ||
| I love a chocolate sundae, but if you smeared it all over the place and after I had to clean it up, I'd probably be like... | ||
| Yeah, I'm not into that. | ||
| What are you into? | ||
| What's the freakiest thing you're into? | ||
| I'm surprisingly tame. | ||
| I'm not into anything freaky. | ||
| I've never even done, like, whipped cream or anything. | ||
| What about when a girl asks you to, like, choke her a little? | ||
| How do you feel about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| That's a scary request. | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I had a girl that I used to date who wanted me to rape her. | ||
| She told me to rape her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| That's tough. | ||
| And the problem was she was fucking hot. | ||
| And I was like, I do not want to get interested in doing this. | ||
| Like... | ||
| The worst thing would be... | ||
| You really liked it. | ||
| Yeah, because I was in my 20s. | ||
| What if I just had a connection? | ||
| I got into only girls that want you to force them to do shit. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| When you were young and you're forming your sexuality, whatever you first got your... | ||
| When I first danced with a girl and I noticed her hips were wide, I got a boner. | ||
| It was in eighth grade. | ||
| Because it was like, she's different. | ||
| And for... | ||
| Years! | ||
| In my early 30s, I could not dance with a girl without getting hard on. | ||
| I was at a wedding once, and I asked this girl to dance. | ||
| I never do this, but she was alone and she was hot. | ||
| And I get on the dance floor, and my mother's there, and I got a boner. | ||
| And I don't know this girl at all. | ||
| And I had to tell her, because you know... | ||
| You know, like, your wedding pants are not keeping things at bay. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| And so, full-pitched, and I... She probably already knew, so I was like, I'm sorry, can you help me off the floor? | ||
| And I had to... | ||
| How humiliating is this? | ||
| I had to ask this girl to, like, shimmer me off the floor away from my mother. | ||
| Did she think it was funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, she had a good, luckily, good sense of humor about it, but it was humiliating. | ||
| Well, I shouldn't say she should be flattered, but a girl with a good sense of humor would be flattered. | ||
| She invited me to her Halloween party after that, which is a good sign, but that went bad. | ||
| I got all dressed up as the universe. | ||
| Stars and stuff? | ||
| Yeah, I had a whole black outfit. | ||
| I glued planets to my body with Velcro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Grown man. | ||
| And then I go to her house on time, which I didn't realize you don't go to parties on time. | ||
| I just got into LA. And then I went to hug her. | ||
| I knocked over the skeleton on the wall. | ||
| And then her dog ran up and bit Venus off my leg and took off. | ||
| And now I'm just in the... | ||
| No one's dressed up. | ||
| People are coming and they're like, have a bandana. | ||
| It's like, I'm a pirate! | ||
| No one's really dressed up except for me. | ||
| So I was a pariah and then no one talked to me. | ||
| At the end, this guy, because all our friends were like frat guys, he goes, can I ask you a question? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| Someone's talking to me. | ||
| He goes, you a faggot? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, no. | ||
| I mean, this all started with me getting a boner with this girl. | ||
| But anyway, I gotta go. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What a dick. | ||
| Yeah, he was kind of a dick. | ||
| Was he a dick before that? | ||
| Yeah, they were all kind of like... | ||
| Jockey? | ||
| Jockey, and they were drunk. | ||
| I think I seemed like a target because I had the universe on my body. | ||
| Seemed like an easy target. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a severe weakness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Unless you were doing something. | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't they think that was funny? | ||
| Like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| What's with the outfit? | ||
| And then you start talking, you start laughing, and everybody has a good time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, we would have had a good time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went right to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, are you a faggot? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, you know... | ||
| That's funny, though, the boner thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's a girl that I dated when I was in high school, and she was into, like, rubbing her feet on me. | ||
| And I had a foot thing for a long time afterwards because of it. | ||
| Where was she rubbing her feet on you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dick! | |
| My dick, son! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I figured that. | |
| I meant like, were you at your house? | ||
| Were you at school? | ||
| Yeah, well, whatever. | ||
| She would just rub her feet on my legs and put her feet on my dick. | ||
| This is your girlfriend? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I used to go to this math class, 10.30, ugly teacher, but her smell, boner every time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I knew, I was like, oh, I gotta go get a boner in this class. | |
| That's hilarious! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But that is a real thing about getting connected to a particular thing. | ||
| Whether it's choking someone or any of that. | ||
| The girl who wanted me to rape her also would grab my hand and put it on the back of her head. | ||
| Get me to force her head down. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| She was just really into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it took a while for her to warm up. | ||
| It's almost like when we first started fooling around, she was like, hmm, when do I tell this motherfucker what I like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not yet. | ||
| The beginning was normal, and then one day she wanted to wrestle. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, she's like, I want to wrestle you. | ||
| The gateway drug. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| She's like, I want to wrestle you. | ||
| I bet I'll kick your ass. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was so weird. | ||
| You lost immediately. | ||
| I didn't beat her up, but I was trying to figure out what we're doing while we're doing it. | ||
| And she turned it sexual. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She got into it. | ||
| Yeah, I think like Louis C.K., I remember his show, like one of the first episodes, he had a show where an older girl asked him to jerk off in front of her. | ||
| And I was always like, I bet that actually happened. | ||
| And that got linked up. | ||
| You can't really decide what links up your sexuality and what... | ||
| It is a turns you on. | ||
| It could have. | ||
| I have no information, but that's my guess. | ||
| People are into weird shit, man. | ||
| They're into weird shit. | ||
| I think the weirdest is the smelling the shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Marla Maples, Trump's ex, put a camera in her bedroom, in her closet, because she didn't have one shoe, and it was some friend would come in, they caught him just like, just coming in and stealing, sniffing her shoes. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| How does that get linked up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Anyway. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that stuff, right? | ||
| Like stealing underwear, stealing shoes. | ||
| Yeah, men are- That's weird. | ||
| The thing is, I mean, men get picked on because we're pervs, and that's true, but if we weren't pervs, this species wouldn't be here. | ||
| Let me tell you why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because we were down to like 70,000 people. | ||
| If we didn't have this super perv dream to go through the snow, get some pussy, I think it's less than 70,000 people. | ||
| They were saying that after one of the super volcanoes, it might have gotten down to just a few thousand. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| There's a definite... | ||
| What is it, Sumatra? | ||
| Is that where it was? | ||
| Indonesia? | ||
| Some massive supervolcano 70,000 years ago killed off almost everybody. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know about that. | ||
| Yeah, we got down to an extremely low number. | ||
| I think they estimate it's somewhere between like 2 and maybe like 10,000 people. | ||
| Yeah, you need people who like to fuck a lot, that are real pervy to jump that up. | ||
| Well, you know, Brett Weinstein, who is a... | ||
| He was a professor... | ||
| Excuse you. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I don't know what's going on with me. | ||
| I smoked weed before the show. | ||
| I'm not going to lie to you people. | ||
| He was explaining... | ||
| With his wife, who's also a biologist, that there's two different things that men are attracted to. | ||
| They're attracted to a beautiful woman, but they're attracted to a hot woman. | ||
| Like a hot woman doesn't necessarily have to be beautiful, but what she does is offer an opportunity for like very quick sex. | ||
| Like you could just have sex with her. | ||
| You don't have to... | ||
| Court her like a girl with a short skirt and her tits are popping out and she's wearing a lot of makeup. | ||
| What that signals is that there's an opportunity for you to spread your genes and you have no responsibility. | ||
| You wouldn't have to take care of it. | ||
| You wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with her, court her. | ||
| She's the type of person that allows you to just fuck her. | ||
| You can move on and spread your genes elsewhere. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, that there's an evolutionary reason for that being a stimulating thing for men. | ||
| For men, this idea of these loose women. | ||
| Loose women are very attractive to us for that reason. | ||
| It's not just that, oh yeah, if I can get some, not deal with all these bitches in their pocket. | ||
| No, it's literally an evolutionary trait that we have adapted to. | ||
| The disease thing knocks it back a little bit. | ||
| For me, I'll go like, oh, that might be a disease there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have an antidote for... | |
| I don't feel like there's any woman who could, no matter how hot, come and take me away. | ||
| Or force me to... | ||
| What am I trying to say? | ||
| Seduce me. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| You don't think a woman could seduce you? | ||
| No. | ||
| If I don't want her to, I have an anecdote. | ||
| Antidote! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Antidote! | |
| I have an antidote. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I've been developing it over years, and people listening can take this. | ||
| Let's say you fell for somebody, and she didn't like you, and she dumped you, and you're still pining over her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You put her... | ||
| First you think about the blood moving through her body and her skeleton, and you put her on the toilet. | ||
| You think about she's making bile. | ||
| I know it's gross, but you think about her as this animal, and you think about her on the toilet, and whenever she pops up, you put her on the toilet. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| That doesn't work with me. | ||
| It will. | ||
| I won't care. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, if I think she's hot. | ||
| What if she's really struggling on the toilet? | ||
| I struggle on the toilet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not judgmental. | |
| I eat a lot, man. | ||
| I take some horrific shits. | ||
| But think about, like, The Bachelorette or something. | ||
| They're fantasized. | ||
| A lot of times, like, early on, there's this fantasy. | ||
| And, you know, you're married? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So there's intimacy and you get past all that. | ||
| But that early on fantasy, feeling in the blanks as a perfect person, you usually leave that out. | ||
| It never bothered me. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about periods. | ||
| What about thinking about their skeleton? | ||
| Does that kind of go, oh yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Their skeleton. | |
| Yeah, if you just imagine, there's a skeleton underneath this. | ||
| Woman that I'm like pining over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's just like... | |
| Alright, maybe this doesn't work. | ||
| It doesn't work on me. | ||
| It works for me. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| If I think someone's hot, I think they're hot. | ||
| I don't care if they just took a diarrhea shit. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I imagine they have bad breath. | ||
| I'll be like, I bet she has bad breath. | ||
| I'd tell her. | ||
| Oh, you're Aussie. | ||
| I'd just say, listen. | ||
| I'd say something really nice. | ||
| You're super hot, and I'm going to tell you something. | ||
| Compliment sandwich. | ||
| You start with a nice thing. | ||
| And then you go against yourself and go... | ||
| Sometimes I get bad breath and because I'm a person everybody gets bad breath, but when I get bad breath I want someone to tell me absolutely I do not want to be wandering around grossing everybody out and they're like hey hey good to talk to you Joe as soon as they turn their head Yeah. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll take a Listerine strip or I'll chew gum or whatever the fuck. | ||
| Some people... | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| So I would tell her. | ||
| But some people have an... | ||
| Like, here's an example. | ||
| I was with this girl and I could not take the breath. | ||
| Couldn't take it. | ||
| That bad. | ||
| And then I said, hey, let's brush our teeth. | ||
| It was either, you gotta go, I can't do this, or I've gotta figure out how to brush our teeth. | ||
| So I thought I made a fun game. | ||
| So she brushed her teeth, reluctantly. | ||
| Oh my god, reluctantly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, I hate brushing my teeth. | |
| Clearly. | ||
| But it didn't fix it at all. | ||
| Like it was coming from her gut. | ||
| Some people have like... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That happens with a lot of girls who are bulimic or even anorexic. | ||
| They gird. | ||
| They regurgitate. | ||
| Your body's all fucked up. | ||
| Your body's like super confused. | ||
| I used to date a girl who puked. | ||
| I didn't know it until like deep into the relationship. | ||
| I did it a couple months and then I found out she was saying like if she eats too much she'll force herself to throw up and I was like, what? | ||
| It's easy to hide. | ||
| That is... | ||
| I mean, I knew it existed, but I didn't know anybody who had it, and that's a disturbing thing. | ||
| Like, you're hungry, so you eat, and then you're like, what have I done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shove things in your mouth and force it to come up again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, oh God. | |
| Did you guys talk about it or did that sort of end the relationship and you moved away? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She brought it up and I said, this was the fucked up thing was, she wasn't in any way overweight. | ||
| Like, she was beautiful. | ||
| She had a great body. | ||
| It was just like a weird, she was an actress. | ||
| I think the pressure of that gig is just so crazy. | ||
| First of all, you take someone who most of the time, the reason why we want to become an actor is because they didn't get enough attention. | ||
| That's a lot of what causes it. | ||
| Especially if you have this weird sort of non-specific desire for fame. | ||
| It's not like you're a really good character actress. | ||
| You're a Faye Dunaway or something like that. | ||
| You're just really good and you love the craft of creating a character. | ||
| No, there's a lot of them that just want to be famous. | ||
| And why? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| It's usually there's something fucked up from childhood. | ||
| Usually somebody wasn't paying attention to them. | ||
| Parents split up. | ||
| Something went wrong, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you take this person that's super insecure and has this exorbitant need for attention and then you put them through this audition process. | ||
| The audition process is the craziest thing ever. | ||
| It devastates people's self-esteem. | ||
| Because you just get rejected all the time. | ||
| Rejected all the time. | ||
| Yeah, you're not selling a t-shirt that no one wants. | ||
| You're selling yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I used to date this girl when I first moved to LA. And when she would go on auditions, if she would get rejected, she would want to fuck like a wild animal. | ||
| It's like she wanted something to just like... | ||
| She wanted to just fucking scream too. | ||
| She wanted to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was like the stress of it all was so crazy. | ||
| She wanted validation. | ||
| She wanted to blow off steam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was just the stress of it all. | ||
| It's so unhealthy. | ||
| And the people that go into that are some of the most, the least, it's the least advisable career path for them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be healthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It attracts the wrong people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a fucked up situation. | ||
| You have these people judging you. | ||
| Like, come on in, Kyle. | ||
| Yeah, I can't... | ||
| Tell us about yourself. | ||
| I have a lot of trouble auditioning. | ||
| Tell me what your favorite animal is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your second favorite? | |
| That's who you are. | ||
| I told that Tom Cruise. | ||
| You're a goat. | ||
| You told Tom Cruise he loved it? | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loved it. | |
| That's great. | ||
| Wow, Tom Cruise. | ||
| I went on an audition once, and this girl... | ||
| She asked me where I was from, and I said I was from New Jersey. | ||
| And she goes, I'm from New York. | ||
| She goes, well, I'm actually from New Jersey, but I don't tell people that. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| She goes, well, it's cool to say you're from New York. | ||
| I go, that's ridiculous. | ||
| I go, that doesn't make any sense at all. | ||
| I go, why would you lie? | ||
| I go, and then you just told me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, are you ready to audition? | |
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| So she's like giving me like this sour look, and I had a sing... | ||
| Wait, the auditioner told you... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then she had this sour look on her face, and I had to sing a line from a Bruce Springsteen song to her in the audition. | ||
| It was so humiliating. | ||
| What were you auditioning for? | ||
| To be in his band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some terrible movie. | |
| Some terrible movie. | ||
| It was a scene in the movie where there's a guy and a girl telling the girl how much I love her and I'm singing fucking Born to Run or something like that. | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| I think everyone would love to hear a little bit right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The day we're walking down the street of a runaway American dream. | |
| I don't remember what. | ||
| I don't even remember what song it was. | ||
| And you didn't get it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not only did I not get it, but this is a very important moment for me. | ||
| I left, and that's when I realized, I was like, this whole process, for me at least, is broken. | ||
| I'm not good at this. | ||
| I'm not good at pretending to be someone. | ||
| Everybody who goes in there, they go into these auditions, and there was these people who were, like, air quotes, working actors. | ||
| They do a little, you know, I was on Just Shoot Me for a saying, you know, I had a nice episode on this. | ||
| You know those people, they're like hopping around. | ||
| Those people, they develop this real slick way of talking. | ||
| And they don't say, nice to meet you, because they might have already met you. | ||
| So they say, good to see you. | ||
| Good to see you, Kyle. | ||
| Good to see you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do that, actually. | |
| Because I keep remembering, forgetting people. | ||
| You don't have Dunbar's number. | ||
| You only have a certain number of people you can keep in your head. | ||
| But this way of doing it, I was recognizing it. | ||
| The way they would talk, everyone was like super left-wing, super progressive. | ||
| No one explored ideas. | ||
| You just adopted whatever everybody else was going with and ran with it. | ||
| Oh, yes, I agree. | ||
| Hillary is so much more qualified. | ||
| People would just say shit like that. | ||
| It was just it was really strange. | ||
| They were like real obvious Democrat lean. | ||
| They weren't thinking it through. | ||
| They just adopted this mindset and they were just sneaking their way through this system. | ||
| They were like exploiting little personality holes in the system and they would get become friends with casting agents and one of the casting agents was a woman. | ||
| I knew this one casting agent who was friends with a friend of mine, and she was kind of gross. | ||
| I'm just being nice. | ||
| I'm being kind by saying kinda. | ||
| And she fucked all these actor guys. | ||
| Oh, I want to know who this is. | ||
| I can't tell you. | ||
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| She just licked. | ||
| She was basically doing the casting couch in reverse. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But she was, like, aggressive, sexually aggressive with guys. | ||
| Yeah, and one of my friends. | ||
| She was super sexually aggressive with one of my friends. | ||
| Is it Henrietta Weinstein? | ||
| I can't tell you! | ||
| Well, she was casting quite a few different shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she knew how to get these exploit people, these guys that were saying, good to see you. | ||
| Those guys, she would fuck those guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that was the way they could play it, you know, that's the way they get closer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, is it good to see this? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how her seduction went down. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| It's brutal, though. | ||
| Auditioning is... | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I'm terrible. | ||
| I booked one... | ||
| I've gotten, like, sketch shows, but I've only booked one show where it was, like, a script. | ||
| Like, it was a sitcom. | ||
| I booked, like, a guest-starring thing. | ||
| And I went in, and I'm a terrible reader. | ||
| And for the read-through, they do a read-through with the network, like, I don't know, a couple days before they shoot. | ||
| And they gave me like, oh, you have eight new lines, whatever. | ||
| And I read like a third grader. | ||
| I was very poor. | ||
| So I had the big table read-through and I stammered through the whole thing and I got fired. | ||
| So the only show I booked really off a typical audition reading a script I was fired from. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, so many wasted hours memorizing, paying acting coaches. | ||
| None of it worked out for me. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because I get really nervous. | ||
| I feel very judged. | ||
| I feel very uncomfortable. | ||
| I'm a terrible reader. | ||
| So I end up having to memorize it. | ||
| And then most of my time is trying to remember. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Basically, I get too nervous is the answer. | ||
| Did you ever try to see a hypnotist or anything like that? | ||
| No, but that probably would have been a good idea. | ||
| Because it was a mental... | ||
| Like, shut down. | ||
| Like, you know, some people just react. | ||
| You can't help how you react. | ||
| But it's like, if you can imagine, if you're afraid of bees, for example, it's like go in an audition with a bunch of bees flying around you. | ||
| Your body's reacting in like a fear way. | ||
| It's really hard to grab your facilities to act or whatever you're doing. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Yeah, no, I get it. | ||
| I mean, especially if you think like this, God, this could be it. | ||
| This is the big moment. | ||
| It's like one of the worst ways for you to behave or to perform rather in something that's like really important, especially like an acting situation where you're supposed to pretend to be in love or to pretend to be, you know, happy and whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Like all you're thinking is don't fuck this up. | ||
| Don't fuck this up. | ||
| And that's like the overlying mantra to all your thoughts. | ||
| Doing it, do this correct, is not the great mindset where you're going to do a good performance. | ||
| I had like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I just fell out of my head. | |
| Whatever I was about to say was going to be hilarious. | ||
| It was the best part of the show. | ||
| It was going to be great. | ||
| Yeah, but this is one of the reasons why so many people are so crazy out here. | ||
| It's they come here crazy, and then the system gets them crazier. | ||
| And then you also realize... | ||
| That unless you're doing something like what you're doing, or you're just doing your own thing on Instagram, someone has to pick you to work. | ||
| You have to get picked. | ||
| Which is just nuts. | ||
| As comics, all we have to do is just go to an open mic night, practice, write, come up with some jokes, do well, you come back, do well, you come back, you just keep grinding. | ||
| Couple years down the road, you're starting to get a gig here and a gig there. | ||
| Yeah, I'm opening up for this guy. | ||
| And yeah, I got a gig emceeing at this place. | ||
| And then a couple years after that, I'm middling. | ||
| There's an actual thing you can do. | ||
| If you're good, you can make a living. | ||
| I can't imagine just being an actor. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| They go crazy, dude. | ||
| I have friends that are just actors. | ||
| They go crazy. | ||
| They all go crazy. | ||
| By the time they're in their 40s, they're out of their fucking mind. | ||
| And women. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| They feel like they have this little tiny-ass hourglass and it's just running out of sand every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like you said, a lot of times you're not starting with the most secure people. | ||
| No. | ||
| Almost never. | ||
| Almost never. | ||
| I got on stage because I was in so much pain. | ||
| I literally was pushed. | ||
| I was in college. | ||
| I had no friends. | ||
| I'm really painting a pretty picture of myself today. | ||
| But I wanted attention. | ||
| That really was the first impulse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But sometimes that leads to the funniest shit and the funniest people. | ||
| Like, there's that pressure one way that throws you in another direction. | ||
| That bad feeling, when you're just trying to escape that bad feeling, the energy and the desire to escape that bad feeling is so intense that it creates a good feeling. | ||
| And after a while, though, it flips, too. | ||
| Like, now I, you know, sometimes I don't want to be looked at. | ||
| You know, I think if I got into a bad spot, I'd want to go on stage again. | ||
| But sometimes... | ||
| Do you ever feel like that? | ||
| Like, you just don't feel like being... | ||
| Like, looked at. | ||
| You don't feel like being looked at? | ||
| Like, that's not what happens with you. | ||
| Sometimes I don't feel like going on stage. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| One of the things that I've been doing lately is... | ||
| For a long time, I hardly took any time off. | ||
| But after I did my special, I just filmed a special in April. | ||
| I took... | ||
| A month off. | ||
| I didn't do any stand-up for a month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At least like three weeks, right? | ||
| Like three, maybe it might have been four weeks. | ||
| But I was like, I'm not doing shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went to Hawaii. | ||
| I fucking hung out. | ||
| I did podcasts. | ||
| I didn't do any stand-up and it felt great. | ||
| It felt great that I would leave here and I'd be done. | ||
| I wouldn't have another gig to go to at night. | ||
| You know, there wasn't this overwhelming thing looming in the background. | ||
| After a while, you know, I realized, alright, gotta get back on the horse. | ||
| Yeah, I'm enjoying more now. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| I interrupted you. | ||
| You were gonna join more now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's like, what? | ||
| I'm enjoying stand-up now. | ||
| Because I feel like this Instagram gave me a little confidence to bring that into my stand-up. | ||
| Because before... | ||
| I just kind of was I think scared trying to do what people said and there was this thing where like you got to make it a sitcom you got to be talk about your family I had managers who were like don't do the guitar don't do this do talk about your family and they were trying to get you to make something that could be turned into a sitcom yeah so they could take it away from you once your ex-girlfriend says you were a shitty boyfriend yeah yeah exactly like today yeah it's a new thing that's what they're doing now That's the new thing. | ||
| That's the new thing, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of that. | ||
| There was a lot of they were trying to get people to basically put together an audition for a sitcom. | ||
| Your act is essentially like Tim Allen or Roseanne or whoever, Brett Butler. | ||
| They put you, you know. | ||
| And some people have the confidence not to listen. | ||
| I remember Zach Galifianakis was one of the guys who didn't want to be on a sitcom. | ||
| And I was like, I didn't believe him because I'm like, that's what we all have. | ||
| That's what we're all doing, right? | ||
| But he had a sense of himself. | ||
| I got out into the world without really having confidence in myself to make a decision to do something. | ||
| I really felt like I needed someone to tell me that. | ||
| There's this experiment. | ||
| I'm going to explain myself real quick. | ||
| Where they did this in the 70s. | ||
| They'd rattle a rattle in front of a baby. | ||
| And the mom would do this and the baby would like it. | ||
| Then they'd have them keep rattling it and the baby would start to push it away. | ||
| They'd have them keep rattling it and the baby would start crying. | ||
| All babies go through this exact thing. | ||
| Then after the crying, they have them keep rattling it, which is like something they would never do now. | ||
| At the last phase, the baby is numb out and start drooling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And that's how I came into the world. | ||
| But I feel like I'm waking up now a little bit. | ||
| That's fucking dark that they did that to a baby. | ||
| Only in the 70s would they do that. | ||
| How many people did they fuck up in the 70s? | ||
| I know, the brown-eyed, blue-eyed experiment. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| This, they told a classroom of kids, blue-eyed people are smarter and better. | ||
| Brown-eyed people are to kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So then the blue-eyed people started, you know, doing better work, behaving better. | ||
| The brown-eyed kids started misbehaving. | ||
| Then they switched it. | ||
| They're like, we were wrong. | ||
| The brown-eyed kids are the ones who are smarter and better. | ||
| And the whole thing switched. | ||
| So they do it as a psychological experiment? | ||
| Yeah, just to see, like... | ||
| Just to fuck with kids? | ||
| Just to really fuck them up. | ||
| Well, yeah, if you tell kids that they're shit, they feel like they're shit. | ||
| Yeah, you don't really need to do that experiment. | ||
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do the opposite of that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We're talking now about the effects on kids with the Trump thing and the border. | ||
| It's so dark. | ||
| What the fuck was Melania wearing? | ||
| That jacket that says, I don't care, do you? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| I don't care, do you think I do or some shit? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't care, do you? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| What in the fuck is going on in that house? | ||
| I think she's losing her marbles. | ||
| You think it was her decision? | ||
| First of all, do you think she had any idea when she married that billionaire dude in 2005? | ||
| She thought she was just getting hooked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's like, look, I'm gonna have a kid with this guy. | ||
| It's gonna be great. | ||
| I don't have to work anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All these fucking nude modeling gigs that I was doing and, you know, learn how to speak a little bit of English, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, go shopping all the time. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I'm in. | ||
| Bad and be a good boy. | ||
| Don't be a bad boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| And then 10 years later... | ||
| She's the fucking vice... | ||
| I mean, she's the first lady. | ||
| She's the vice president. | ||
| Well, she's more popular than the vice president. | ||
| Who the fuck knows who Pence is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know a goddamn thing about that guy. | ||
| He scares me a little bit. | ||
| Well, he might be the president one day. | ||
| There's a lot of Jesus stuff going on. | ||
| A lot of Jesus. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| More than ever. | ||
| Pence, Sessions, Huckabee, a lot of Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chris Pratt's being praised because he said people should pray, which is a legitimate thing to say. | ||
| I mean, just whatever prayer is. | ||
| Mindfulness, meditation, feeling good, just being thankful. | ||
| You don't have to attach it necessarily to any ideology or religion. | ||
| It's still a good idea to think that way. | ||
| But people are going, yes, we got a Christian as an actor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy from fucking Guardians of the Galaxy is one of us. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, like the idea that no atheists can be president. | ||
| No atheists. | ||
| And no single guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You better have a family, bitch. | ||
| Otherwise, what are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to fuck everybody and launch bombs just to see what happens? | ||
| That's exactly what would happen. | ||
| That is what would happen. | ||
| I mean, do you think that it's possible to have a single guy or gal as a president? | ||
| I do not. | ||
| I do not think it's possible. | ||
| It's got a stigma. | ||
| People would get weirded out by you. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| You're 49. You don't even have any kids, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| You don't have a wife. | ||
| Even a guy who's married with no kids. | ||
| I think people would be like, he's not like us. | ||
| Because you could be married with kids and I could be single and I don't feel weirded by you. | ||
| I don't feel like this is a fucking weirdo. | ||
| What's he doing all married with kids? | ||
| Because that's a normal path. | ||
| But it's not a normal path to be like a 55 year old guy with no wife, no kids, never been married. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No desire to... | ||
| It seems like you're more stable if you have a whole family. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| You have some skin in the game. | ||
| You care about your kids. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| You don't want to blow up the world. | ||
| It's like that Sting song, If the Russians Love Their Children Too. | ||
| Can we hear a bit of that, Joe? | ||
| No, let's not. | ||
| I'll sing it for this audition, but then I'll walk out of here humiliated. | ||
| I auditioned for Snoopy on Broadway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| You want to talk about humiliating. | ||
| I don't have a good voice, but they wanted a comedian or something, so I somehow got this audition. | ||
| The song was like, sup, sup, supper time, sup, sup, supper, literally. | ||
| I went to my friend, you know John Bush, comedian? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Really funny guy. | ||
| He went in before me and I walked in. | ||
| I know his name. | ||
| Felt like a bomb went off. | ||
| And I walked out in a huff. | ||
| I'm like, what happened? | ||
| He was like, meh. | ||
| And I went in there and they were just dead silent. | ||
| And I did like a whole dance, like sup, sup, supper time. | ||
| Two people just staring at me. | ||
| And I left. | ||
| And I was like, what happened in there? | ||
| He goes, I had a guy said that my audition was cute and I was going to leave. | ||
| But then I walked back in. | ||
| I tapped on his table and I said, you know what? | ||
| You're an asshole. | ||
| And then he left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| Like, hi! | ||
| You're an asshole because you said it was cute? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is everybody so defensive? | ||
| Well, yeah, this guy's a legend. | ||
| You're supposed to be Snoopy, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Snoopy's not mad. | ||
| Is this Bush character, is he always like that? | ||
| He's hilarious, yeah. | ||
| He just doesn't take any... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't give a fuck? | |
| He lives in Iowa now. | ||
| Iowa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's he doing there? | ||
| He's got a nice little life. | ||
| He's got a family and a little house. | ||
| It's like corporate stuff mostly now. | ||
| Oh, it's corporate gigs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a weird world. | ||
| That world of corporate gigs, where the guys, they give up mainstream, but they can do those corporate gigs that pay really well, but nobody knows about them. | ||
| Nobody knows they're alive. | ||
| They just do these corporate gigs. | ||
| And you can make some money doing that. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But they're like, a lot of times like they're in the afternoon. | ||
| People are eating food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| And then you stay in some Best Western somewhere. | ||
| Kansas City, staring at the wall. | ||
| What they do to comedians, they go, we'll get a comedian. | ||
| When the environment... | ||
| I'm sure you've had gigs like that where you're just at a place like, why did they think that's what's good for a comedian to come here? | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| You've done colleges, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| The kids run it. | ||
| They're like these seven-year-old kids. | ||
| I went to one and they had a poster of me, but they didn't put the date or the time on it. | ||
| So guess how many people showed up? | ||
| A million. | ||
| A million people. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| How'd you do? | ||
| I did fantastic. | ||
| I asked if I, one time I was at Amherst. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was a giant field. | ||
| There was one guy in a red hooded sweatshirt in the center of the field sitting Indian style. | ||
| And I said, I don't, I don't, we don't have to do this, right? | ||
| And she goes, no, just go out there. | ||
| People hear you will start coming out. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| One guy. | ||
| One guy. | ||
| Amherst is a tricky place. | ||
| That's the People's Republic of Amherst. | ||
| It's like if you took Boulder and you moved it to Western Massachusetts, that's Amherst. | ||
| Super, super, super progressive and liberal. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Well, they don't like comedy, that's for sure. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| It's too bad most people don't know that impression. | ||
| Nobody knows who I was just dead. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| It's Johnny Carson. | ||
| Yeah, back in the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is. | |
| You know what I think of when I think of Johnny Carson? | ||
| It's a fucked up thing to think of. | ||
| But he died... | ||
| Smoking like some ungodly amount of pall malls. | ||
| He just kept pumping on these pall malls, just smoked them constantly. | ||
| And his gut had become distended like he was pregnant. | ||
| And it was just, he was just rotten with cancer. | ||
| Like his whole body was just fucked up. | ||
| And apparently like when he died, like as he was, as he was dying, he's like last days, he was like these goddamn cigarettes. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I didn't hear that. | ||
| It's all I think of when I think of Johnny Carson. | ||
| I think of him poisoning himself with these things that he can't keep from his face. | ||
| He just can't. | ||
| He's got to keep doing it and his body is rotting and he goes from being like America's favorite all-time talk show host. | ||
| He was the fucking man, right? | ||
| I mean, he was the man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes from that to just quitting. | ||
| Just stopping. | ||
| Just stopping doing it. | ||
| And then it becomes this weird thing. | ||
| He becomes this weird guy. | ||
| Recluse. | ||
| Recluse. | ||
| What happens there? | ||
| How does one go from being the Tonight Show host to just being a recluse? | ||
| Yeah, he never tried to do anything else, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like what Letterman's doing. | ||
| He's doing those things on Netflix now. | ||
| I haven't seen them. | ||
| I haven't either, but I like that he's doing them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm worried about him. | ||
| I'm worried he would be one of those guys, you know, because he kind of vanished. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grew his crazy beard. | ||
| I'm going to do that. | ||
| Crazy beard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Man, that's cool with you guys. | ||
| Do you think these guys, they just get to the point where they're like, I can't do this anymore. | ||
| There's just too much people, too much pressure, too much everything. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Every day to do a show takes a certain personality. | ||
| It's a different kind of thing, right? | ||
| Exhausting, I'm sure. | ||
| And you're doing stand-up that's never been tried. | ||
| No, and it can't be great. | ||
| It's terrible! | ||
| It takes a long time to get an act together that's really good. | ||
| So, did you hear what happened today in the news? | ||
| Today? | ||
| That was good about Carson, though. | ||
| He would make kind of fun about how bad he was doing. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Well, Jay Leno was the best at it, I really feel. | ||
| And that's why they extended his monologue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He wasn't good. | ||
| He was a workhorse. | ||
| So, every Sunday, you go to the Hermosa Beach Club. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was on that show, and I filmed something, and he brought me into the office, and he didn't want to air it. | ||
| And he goes, I don't want to get any letters. | ||
| Because I did that Craig character, and he just felt it was too retarded or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he played it safe. | |
| He played it safe. | ||
| When people swung on him, he never swung back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| Just roll with the punches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would you do a talk show? | ||
| No! | ||
| I'm doing one right now with Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| He's my guest. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan won on Instagram. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan won. | ||
| The worst name on Instagram. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| It doesn't seem like a good way to talk to people. | ||
| It doesn't seem like it's fun. | ||
| It seems like it's too much pressure. | ||
| It seems like there's too many people. | ||
| It seems like the conversations become fake because you have five minutes until you cut to commercial and they come over with cards and the executive wants to talk to you and the producers want to get in your ear. | ||
| And we just feel like it just needs a little levity. | ||
| So we're gonna bring the jester out. | ||
| I'm tired of the jester. | ||
| I don't like the jester. | ||
| And then the jester comes out with his little... | ||
| And everybody goes, the jester's here! | ||
| And the fucking crowd starts clapping. | ||
| The audience, they get that sign that says, cheer, applause, applause. | ||
| I've seen too many of them. | ||
| I think it's a dead medium. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I'm not recommending it. | ||
| I mean, you have it. | ||
| People should see. | ||
| You should have studio tours. | ||
| Joe's got the pool table here. | ||
| You have to put the VR on. | ||
| We've got the VR goggles now. | ||
| We've got HTC Vive. | ||
| I don't know what that is, VR goggles. | ||
| Virtual reality? | ||
| Oh, I could have figured that out if I tried. | ||
| You put on these goggles and you box people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You have this big dude in front of you throwing punches and when it hits you the screen goes white. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You get popped. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| There's archery games, there's one with a lightsaber where things come at you, you gotta slice them. | ||
| They're flying through the air and when you're chopping them up. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| And you're doing it to music. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| And deprivation tank you got here? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I have that too. | ||
| Joe, you want to tell them how we did on pool today? | ||
| We did really good. | ||
| It's a fun game. | ||
| How many balls did I get in two games that we played? | ||
| You made one ball. | ||
| I did get... | ||
| Yeah, I got one in. | ||
| You made one. | ||
| Got it in. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| It went right where you wanted it to go. | ||
| You aimed, you shot, you fired, it went in. | ||
| That was really emasculating, those two games. | ||
| It shouldn't be. | ||
| Two things. | ||
| One, that table, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to freak you out. | ||
| No, very tiny pockets. | ||
| The pockets are much smaller than a normal table. | ||
| A normal table has five and a half inch pockets. | ||
| That table has four inch pockets. | ||
| They're actually slightly under four. | ||
| So they're really small. | ||
| So it's hard to get a ball in. | ||
| And I play on it every day. | ||
| It wasn't hard for you to get the ball, I just want to say that. | ||
| I told you I play on it every day. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Every day after we're done, that's how I unwind. | ||
| We do the podcast, it's over, and I go knock some balls around. | ||
| Is that your best game? | ||
| Pool? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not good at any games. | ||
| That's the only game I'm good at. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I'm terrible at video games. | ||
| I can play Quake. | ||
| Pretty good at Quake. | ||
| Okay, an archery you're good at. | ||
| I'm good at archery, but that's not a game, man. | ||
| Not a game to me, man. | ||
| Serious, bro. | ||
| Yeah, archery is very different than all of them because archery is very much like a meditation. | ||
| It requires so much concentration and so many things have to be in line that as you're thinking of all those different things, it cleans your mind in some weird way. | ||
| Very meditative. | ||
| You ever read Zen and the Art of Archery? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really good book. | ||
| Interesting book. | ||
| It's funny because my friend John Dudley read it and recommended it to me. | ||
| And he's a world-class archer. | ||
| He just got back from Europe where they flew him out to coach various international teams. | ||
| He's a real world-class coach and archer himself. | ||
| And he said, it's interesting, this book is really good, but I have a feeling that the guy who wrote it wasn't really that good at archery. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, that's fascinating. | ||
| It's like the guy, he goes, I feel like he was kind of there, but not quite. | ||
| And I'm like, that's interesting coming from a guy who's a real master. | ||
| Like he recognizes some errors in his thinking or the way he describes things or his approach. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| By the way, you never have to ask me again, did you read that book? | ||
| I did not read that book. | ||
| You don't read any books. | ||
| I haven't read a book in a long time. | ||
| Thank God someone's honest about that. | ||
| I mean, you could say, did you hear this book? | ||
| Sometimes I'll get an audiobook downloaded. | ||
| Oh, I love audiobooks. | ||
| I read one book for every seven or eight audiobooks I listen to. | ||
| I read one, maybe. | ||
| And I don't even read most. | ||
| Sometimes I'll start off reading it, and then I'll go, this is too much work. | ||
| I'm just going to listen to it in my car. | ||
| I just listen to it. | ||
| I don't, it's like, there's a lot of dead time. | ||
| There's a lot of time that's not being used, and that time is when I'm driving. | ||
| And I'm always driving here, or I'm driving to the gym, or I'm driving to the comedy store, or I'm driving to the airport. | ||
| I fill that up with books on tape. | ||
| Do you do self-help books? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, mostly, like right now, I'm reading The Tipping Point, which is a Malcolm Gladwell book, and I'm also reading Sapiens, which is, who wrote Sapiens? | ||
| I heard someone read the Tipping Point book to me. | ||
| Tipping Point is great. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| It is, but I also felt like... | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Yuval Noah Harari. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's great, too. | ||
| And also, The Talent Code. | ||
| Just another book I'm in the middle of. | ||
| I feel like The Tipping Point... | ||
| Great book, this book, Sapiens. | ||
| Fucking fantastic. | ||
| Sapiens. | ||
| A Brief History of Humankind. | ||
| Very enlightening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That Tipping Point, I feel like could have been three sentences long. | ||
| Yeah, it was a little... | ||
| You know, I get it after a while. | ||
| Like, I get it, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, a bunch of things collide together and anything can happen. | ||
| And the next thing you know, hush puppies are really popular. | ||
| My tipping point was Joe Rogan played my Instagram videos. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the only tipping point. | ||
| That makes me very happy. | ||
| I love doing that. | ||
| If you need me to murder someone, you need some favor. | ||
| I'm good, dude. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| But I'm going to contact you on behalf of Donald Trump to deal with Tom Arnold. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You really are worried about his life, aren't you? | ||
| I think Tormonel's going to kill Tormonel before... | ||
| I think you might be right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's sober now. | ||
| Take that back. | ||
| When people do kill themselves, you've got to go, okay, how many times did this person think about this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many times did they get close and they didn't want... | ||
| I don't have... | ||
| That in me, you know, I don't know why, whatever it is, maybe it's because I take care of myself, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's because I live a happy life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Basically luck, I don't either, it doesn't pop into my head. | |
| I think luck is a big, I think it's a big factor. | ||
| I have a friend who killed himself and his brother had killed himself before that and everybody loved him and it was just stunning to everybody. | ||
| Everybody's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I didn't know him that well, but I knew him well enough to really like him. | ||
| He's a really, really good guy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, people get down. | ||
| You have to be in so much pain to do that. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| So, you know, a guy like Tom Arnold, who knows, he might be like, he might have tasted the barrel a couple of times and be like, you know what, I'm just gonna fuck it. | ||
| That wouldn't shock me. | ||
| He's got a lot of energy. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Tom? | ||
| From what I've seen, yeah. | ||
| What have you seen? | ||
| I played like this game once with him. | ||
| It was like a big house game, a bunch of people, and he'd just run around and tag things. | ||
| I never quite figured it out. | ||
| But man, he was sweating like a pig and running around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's in a drop dead of a heart attack. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that show idea, though. | ||
| I'm going to check it out. | ||
| His show? | ||
| It's not out yet, right? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| What's going on with Vice? | ||
| Somebody tell me that Vice is going away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not going away. | |
| The changes are happening. | ||
| So they hired a new CEO or VP or something so all the programming will probably be changed for the fall. | ||
| It's weird that it's a whole channel. | ||
| It's like it's a whole channel. | ||
| Vice has a channel. | ||
| I couldn't find it. | ||
| It saved my life. | ||
| Yeah, there's too many goddamn channels. | ||
| I mean, there's like 600 plus channels. | ||
| You know what's hilarious? | ||
| I watch a lot of hunting shows and the outdoors shows. | ||
| They're all like a lot of like really Christian-y people. | ||
| Like a lot of these hunting outdoors type. | ||
| Hunting with Christ. | ||
| Yeah, just want to thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to take down this ram. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| But what's funny is that on DirecTV, there are only two or three channels removed from hardcore porn. | ||
| So it's like you go through the lineup, you get into the 500s, and it's hardcore porn, hardcore porn, like daddies and stepdaughters and big cocks and small holes. | ||
| And then right after that, it's like the great outdoors. | ||
| With Jesus and friends. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| A lot of landmines. | ||
| Blessed. | ||
| Blessed with Mike the Hunter. | ||
| I'm blessed. | ||
| I'm out here blessed. | ||
| This great world and this great country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blessed. | |
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Yeah, they have the Scientology channel now. | ||
| I think it's up there. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| 500s. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I did radio once. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| I did this radio show in Denver. | ||
| And just morning radio before a gig. | ||
| Like, you know, you do. | ||
| You promote the gig. | ||
| Hey, Joe Rogan's going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver here this weekend. | ||
| And then in the middle of the thing... | ||
| They go, it's time for our Pledge of Allegiance, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And so I'm sitting there, like, going, what is happening? | ||
| So there's two, they put their fucking hand on their heart, and they go, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, to the Republic, for which is, and they get into it, like, full earnestness, and we're looking at each other, me and I think Ari or Duncan was with me, and we were like, what in the fuck is happening here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you go along? | |
| Did you play along? | ||
| Well, I would if it was like a game or something like that. | ||
| And, you know, stand for the flag. | ||
| Okay, I'll do that. | ||
| I don't want to make anybody feel bad. | ||
| That's not what it was. | ||
| It was a radio show. | ||
| You're in the middle of the radio show and you do a Pledge of Allegiance. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Did you stay still? | ||
| I don't remember what I did. | ||
| I remember being high as fuck, though. | ||
| So it made it extra weird. | ||
| Because whenever I would do those radio shows, we would just meet downstairs. | ||
| Because, you know, you've got to be at them at 6 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| You're exhausted. | ||
| And, you know, you don't necessarily really want to do it. | ||
| But we would meet downstairs and get bored. | ||
| And so then it was an adventure. | ||
| It was like everything was free. | ||
| The wind was scaring me. | ||
| I was like, where's the car that's taking us? | ||
| We get in the car and then we talk to the people and it was always like, alright, to the driver like, okay, who's the biggest dickhead you've ever had to drive? | ||
| Because there's always like one story about comedians that hated being there. | ||
| And It was always, you would hear a bunch of them, but like disgruntled, angry people. | ||
| One of them was always Richard Jennings. | ||
| Richard Jennings was always grumpy. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Jennings, because he never wanted to be that guy. | ||
| He never wanted to be the road. | ||
| He wanted to be that guy who put together the act that got him the Jerry Seinfeld sitcom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And meanwhile, he was one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. | ||
| I saw him a bunch of times when I was coming up and a bunch of times In clubs and he was a fucking killer. | ||
| Like one of the most unheralded and underappreciated stand-ups of all time. | ||
| He's like one of my all-time favorites. | ||
| But he was bumming me out. | ||
| I would hear that he was miserable. | ||
| He didn't want to talk to anybody. | ||
| I was all bummed out. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| I heard that on his death his girlfriend was making pancakes and he blew his face off. | ||
| He was still alive. | ||
| He like did it. | ||
| It went wrong. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Not to bring the room down. | ||
| So he went under the chin? | ||
| Yeah, I guess that happens more often. | ||
| You just take the face. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Taking the face. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Yeah, that's another one. | ||
| Another guy who killed himself. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That, you know... | ||
| It's so common. | ||
| It's so common. | ||
| It's hard to be a person. | ||
| We're the first species that knows we're gonna die, very aware of our impending death. | ||
| That right there, you need to medicate that species. | ||
| If you looked at a chart of the evolution of monkeys, you go, okay, this first level of primate, we gotta help them out. | ||
| They're gonna get very religious, which is good, but some of them, we gotta medicate this group. | ||
| Yeah, they can't handle it on their own. | ||
| Well, we used to die young. | ||
| So it was like you wouldn't think about killing yourself because you only live to be 30. Right. | ||
| And now we have so much more time on our hands. | ||
| We don't have to work all day to get a meal and then collapse. | ||
| We're sitting around and we could think about this. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You see yourself getting older every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's happening. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You love aging? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| What's your favorite part? | ||
| The pain or the tiredness? | ||
| I like the pain. | ||
| I like tired. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| I got some bursitis. | ||
| That's pretty sweet. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I do like, though, I do feel more comfortable. | ||
| I'm feeling less anxious in some ways. | ||
| More or another? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess I'm pretty even, though. | ||
| Well, you're more aware of things, but then you're also going to be more aware of your impending demise. | ||
| We don't live long enough. | ||
| We need to live 500 years. | ||
| I've thought about that. | ||
| The first 100 years to fix your childhood stuff. | ||
| Can you imagine, though, if you did live 500 years, would you be dating a 100-year-old? | ||
| You'd be like, these fucking 100 year olds don't know shit. | ||
| I'm sure, yeah. | ||
| She's hot, but she doesn't know shit. | ||
| They haven't been around. | ||
| Do you imagine if you were 500 years old and you were dating a 30 year old? | ||
| People would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| You couldn't do it. | ||
| But why not? | ||
| She's a grown ass woman. | ||
| She's 30 years old. | ||
| That's a grown ass woman. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like a 30 year old could date a 50 year old, could date a 60 year old. | ||
| And you're like, you better be rich. | ||
| A 70 year old, like, something better be going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't feel like we mature after 25. Myself. | ||
| Amen. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But don't you think, though, that there is a certain requirement of a lack of maturity to be funny? | ||
| To be, like, some of the shit that you did in those videos... | ||
| A grown-up would not do. | ||
| You would not do. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, oh, you hit that retarded kid! | ||
| When you have Caitlyn driving with a clean record now because Bruce killed that fucking lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, baby! | |
| I mean, which is... | ||
| I wonder if that's the case. | ||
| I don't know what's happening with that case, but the video doesn't look great. | ||
| I mean, it's an accident, obviously, but... | ||
| No, it's horrible. | ||
| That family must be like... | ||
| To have that happen to them, they lose their loved one, and then to see her just like completely... | ||
| Traipsing around. | ||
| Just hero of the year and all that. | ||
| I've always been a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's my turn now, baby. | ||
| There's a show called Lost in Transition, which I recommend highly. | ||
| It's people transitioning. | ||
| And it's a lot of old, you know, people in their 50s and stuff. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, that's what's weird about it. | ||
| It's like, there's a lot of it is people that have kind of given up on sex. | ||
| They don't even want to have sex anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is one of the things that Caitlin said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, sex is kind of like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But then why? | ||
| Why snippety-snip? | ||
| I don't know, but they say that they become like teenagers when they do transition. | ||
| There's like a period where they're feeling this, like how teenage feels, like coming into their own finally. | ||
| But they're older men, you know, and have this period. | ||
| And Caitlin, they kind of got caught it on that show a little bit. | ||
| It's like you're kind of like a new person, I guess you feel like that, and it's time to like... | ||
| I feel like this is... | ||
| You remember when we read about George Washington having wooden teeth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You ever read about that? | ||
| Is that not true? | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure he did. | ||
| I mean, that's the best they had. | ||
| But I think you hear about that... | ||
| If you heard about a guy today that had wooden teeth, you'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Get that guy to a dentist. | ||
| What the fuck does he do? | ||
| They have implants. | ||
| They give him real teeth. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| I feel like there is going to be a time, maybe not in our lifetimes, but maybe... | ||
| Shortly after where You know they use crisper or some gene editing material something like that where they can actually turn you into a woman. | ||
| Oh Well, I mean, once you go through puberty... | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| If they can alter your genes... | ||
| Look, what they can do now, mostly what they're doing now is they're doing work with embryos, and they're planning on altering people from the jump, like from the time they're born. | ||
| But as that technology gets better... | ||
| And more effective. | ||
| They're going to be able to utilize it on regular people. | ||
| And they've actually started introducing certain genes into people that didn't have them before in order to fix certain ailments or alterations in genes to try to combat certain life-threatening diseases. | ||
| All these things are on the table. | ||
| And I think it's just a matter of time before they come up with a technology that allows someone to completely alter their actual sex. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| I have things that alter by myself. | ||
| What would you change? | ||
| First, I'd be hot as fuck. | ||
| Would you be hot in like a nobody likes you way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like Thor. | |
| I was on a plane. | ||
| He came in. | ||
| He had this big Thor hair and he whipped it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And all of them were like... | ||
| I was with my girlfriend at the time and I saw her look at me and look at him. | ||
| She couldn't take it. | ||
| There's nothing you can do. | ||
| That recalibrates what you see as good looking. | ||
| When you see actual... | ||
| Because his wife was there and she's this model. | ||
| Because when you see her face every year, you're like, I'm alright looking. | ||
| But when you see actual gorgeous people... | ||
| I was staring at them for like 20 minutes, real creepy-like. | ||
| And then I went to the bathroom and I must have recalibrated. | ||
| I looked like a monster. | ||
| As soon as you looked at yourself? | ||
| Yeah, I was just like, nothing symmetrical. | ||
| There's just lettuce on my... | ||
| My hair looked like lettuce. | ||
| Anyway, yeah, I would not change any personality. | ||
| I wouldn't make myself a better person. | ||
| You wouldn't? | ||
| I would just make myself gorgeous. | ||
| Because that's all that matters to me, Joe. | ||
| That's all I care about. | ||
| Would you be built like the rock? | ||
| I'd be ripped as shit. | ||
| I mean, I'm pretty huge right now. | ||
| What kind of a giant hog would you have on you? | ||
| I'd probably have a 10-inch hog. | ||
| Take four inches off my hog right now. | ||
| When you put it on the table and you hear it? | ||
| Yeah, I had a nice... | ||
| Like, what was that, Tommy? | ||
| Who was the guy pushing the boat horn with his cock? | ||
| Tommy Lee? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I got a genetically engineered Tommy Lee cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| I actually don't care about that. | ||
| No? | ||
| I mean, I think if I had something mutated, but... | ||
| Right. | ||
| There seems like a zone. | ||
| As long as you're in that zone, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to be micropenis. | ||
| You don't want to be too big that it's... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want to hurt people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate having a 12-inch cock because I have to... | |
| I can only get the tip in. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Especially if you have the tip and it's like a beer can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Big old fat boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're on one of those 500 channels right now. | ||
| Yeah, this is how it starts. | ||
| There's quite a lot of those channels still. | ||
| It's like, don't these people know about the internet? | ||
| Like, why are you paying $29.99 for this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever you're paying. | ||
| How is that not dead yet? | ||
| It's probably kids. | ||
| Their parents aren't looking, and they just rack it up. | ||
| Or guys who just want 4K in the big screen. | ||
| Has enough time gone by where we've noticed the effect of online porn? | ||
| Well, for sure with pubicare. | ||
| Pubicare vanished. | ||
| That's true, yeah. | ||
| I have a bit in my act about it. | ||
| It's like the best sign of porn's influence in our culture is the absence of pubicare. | ||
| Like if you had a time machine and you can get scientists from the future and they're studying the time period between 1990 and 2018, the most confusing thing would be what happened to the pubicare because there's no historical record. | ||
| Nobody discussed it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They just started hacking off their pubes. | ||
| How do you feel about the bald situation? | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It doesn't bother me anymore. | ||
| But when I was a kid, I mean, when I was young, nobody did anything. | ||
| It was chaos down there. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| It was like you would touch, like when you were going down on a girl or you were fooling around, you put your hand down her pants and you feel it outside the underwear. | ||
| There was like an afro in there. | ||
| You had like a covering over like the forest. | ||
| The buffer. | ||
| Yeah, it was like somebody threw like... | ||
| Jackson 5 haircut. | ||
| Somebody threw a parachute over treetops and you could just touch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I was an adult when I realized, like, I thought it was just like a Barbie doll. | ||
| Like, I didn't really know that there was so much going on until... | ||
| There was a funny moment when I was in high school. | ||
| There was this girl that I was dating at the time. | ||
| It was actually right after high school. | ||
| And she had this guy that she... | ||
| We had fooled around a bunch of times. | ||
| Fooled around, don't fool around for a few months. | ||
| Fooled around, that kind of thing. | ||
| And she had some boyfriend that she was dating for a while. | ||
| And this boyfriend apparently got her to shave her pussy. | ||
| And while we were fooling around, she's like, I can't, I can't. | ||
| I go, what's the matter? | ||
| She goes, I can't show you. | ||
| I go, you can't show me what? | ||
| And she was like, he made me shave. | ||
| I go, he made you shave? | ||
| She goes, I don't want you to see it so embarrassing. | ||
| I go, I don't give a shit. | ||
| I go, so you don't have any hair down there. | ||
| I was like, but it was weird. | ||
| That's the first time I'd ever seen a shave box. | ||
| I was like, whoa, look at all this. | ||
| It was like my beard, right? | ||
| It was like this, I shaved like three days ago. | ||
| So it was like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was like it was coming back, but it was coming back, and she was Italian, so it was just chaos. | ||
| It was coming back. | ||
| It was the whole fucking... | ||
| Women really do. | ||
| They have to wax that all the time. | ||
| They have to do everything. | ||
| They have to shave their feet. | ||
| They have to shave their legs. | ||
| They have to shave everything. | ||
| Everything that's got hair on it. | ||
| Me Too hasn't hit that area. | ||
| Well, that's not what it is. | ||
| Me Too is about sexual harassment and assault. | ||
| It's not supposed to be about grooming choices. | ||
| Maybe Me Too is wrong. | ||
| Me Too should... | ||
| I hate to shave my legs. | ||
| Me Too! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your idea of what Me Too is is so ridiculous. | |
| I haven't been reading up on Me Too. | ||
| That's not what Me Too is? | ||
| You just don't read. | ||
| What is Me Too? | ||
| Anything they're upset at? | ||
| Feminism. | ||
| I should have said feminism. | ||
| Well, they went with the armpits. | ||
| They tried to keep the armpits. | ||
| Like girls were like keeping the armpits with it. | ||
| You have to be super extreme and not shave the legs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to let your ass hair just grow wild, you just have to be a reckless person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to be just careless. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| You're a renegade. | ||
| You're an outsider. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy jungle asshole hair. | ||
| Definitely better to be a man in terms of grooming issues. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just have to be clean. | ||
| If your wife said, I'm not shaving anymore, would you have a talk? | ||
| Would you say, yeah, it's okay. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| I would have to figure out a way to get her to play with wax or something like that. | ||
| Just rip it all off there. | ||
| Lasers. | ||
| Play a game with laser tag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you just keep hitting my pussy? | |
| Can you imagine if, like, they had, like, that's how they get rid of it, right? | ||
| There's laser hair removal. | ||
| But imagine if there was, like, a gun. | ||
| You could just drive down the street and shoot people's hair off. | ||
| Pew, pew, pew! | ||
| I think that's assault. | ||
| Hey, you like those eyebrows? | ||
| Pew, pew, pew! | ||
| Seems very dangerous. | ||
| Although, shooting a laser beam, that's how you get LASIK surgery. | ||
| Which sounds insane to me. | ||
| Is that how they do it? | ||
| So some of it is they do with a scalpel, an actual scalpel. | ||
| Oh, I thought they just burned your eyeball with a laser beam. | ||
| I think some of them they do. | ||
| I think there's two different ways to do it. | ||
| I think sometimes they do it with an actual scalpel, like a blade. | ||
| And I don't know if they think that that's more precise. | ||
| The only thing I heard about laser beams before LASIK surgery was don't look at a fucking laser beam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| Well, here it goes. | ||
| Laser pointer burns hole in young boy's eye. | ||
| Oh, goddammit. | ||
| It's a story going around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a nine-year-old in Greece. | |
| Has an actual hole burned into his eyeball. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| From staring at one of those crazy lasers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Might be one of the new ones that are coming out that, like... | |
| I know, like, you know, remember they went crazy in the 90s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone was buying red pointer lasers. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a new version of them that are really high-powered. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you can light stuff on fire if you're pointing at it long enough. | |
| People have lit bongs on fire with them. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know if it's these crazy ones that this same kid used, but there is a new high level. | ||
| People are making YouTube videos with them. | ||
| What the fuck do you do with his eye now? | ||
| Does he just have a hole in it forever? | ||
| It says decrease vision. | ||
| So he just has a hole in his vision forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I guess. | |
| He's alright. | ||
| Doctors found a large macular hole in the retina of his left eye. | ||
| The child reported playing with a green laser pointer repeatedly gazing into the laser beam, they write. | ||
| Because of the large size of the hole, the doctors decided on a conservative approach rather than surgery. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Why are you fucking your eyeballs up when you're a little kid? | ||
| Because some asshole parent wants to just play with their phone and let that kid shoot laser beams into their eyeballs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, hey, who's watching the kid? | |
| How did he get the laser? | ||
| Did he have a job? | ||
| Did he go to the store and buy it? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing with your kid? | ||
| You got kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That scares me. | ||
| You got to make sure that, you know, they're safe. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| Well, you're 47. If you want to do it, you got to do it soon. | ||
| No, I got like 30 years. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To figure this out. | |
| Well, Trump had one when he was 60. Okay. | ||
| Barron, he had one when he was like 60, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you got time. | ||
| I go back and forth. | ||
| I don't hear good reviews. | ||
| It's never like a clean, do it, it's great. | ||
| It's always, get ready. | ||
| It's going to change your life. | ||
| You got to get ready for... | ||
| Do you have a steady gal? | ||
| No sleep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long? | ||
| A year and a half. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does she want them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| She'll be 28 in August. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Young. | |
| I know, it's young. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| She pursued me. | ||
| Just get that out there. | ||
| Keep talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did it go? | |
| How did it go down on channel 592? | ||
| I feel like such... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sweating. | |
| Well, if she wants to have kids, she's still young and fertile. | ||
| You could probably shoot a live one in there and make a person. | ||
| Is that the technical term? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shoot a live one. | ||
| If you go to a doctor, that's how you describe it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hey, when you go in there, Kyle, shoot a live round in there. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like this. | |
| Thanks, Doc. | ||
| Make sure you keep her legs up in the air. | ||
| You want to make sure it oozes. | ||
| Get it oozed down there. | ||
| If she rides on top, your swimmers might not make it up the canal, if you know what I'm saying. | ||
| Is that a true thing? | ||
| You gotta lay him back. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| I'd like to have kids. | ||
| I would someday. | ||
| Someday. | ||
| But you don't have someday. | ||
| When you're 47, you really don't have someday. | ||
| Because one of the things about autism is a lot of it is connected to the age of the father. | ||
| It's not just the age of the mother. | ||
| It's the age of the father. | ||
| I feel like I've been in a coma. | ||
| You know that disease where you fall asleep for 20 years and you wake up? | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know where those years went. | ||
| I feel like I woke up recently and I'm like, how am I doing? | ||
| Now, do you think this is because you weren't doing what you wanted to do? | ||
| Because you were just doing a bunch of other shit and the years just kept piling up? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I mean, do you feel... | ||
| I guess maybe kids, you can track your life a little easier. | ||
| Maybe it's because I didn't have kids. | ||
| It sort of seems like one chunk that went by fast. | ||
| The kids you can mark years with your kids. | ||
| Well, the reality of being a person is, if we really do live to be 80, 90, 100, if you're fucking really lucky, that, if you have $100, it goes quick. | ||
| You buy a sandwich, you buy a drink, you get some chips, then you go to the movies, and then you don't have enough for dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's like a dollar here, a dollar there. | ||
| A year is not that long. | ||
| It's 365 days. | ||
| It happens so quick. | ||
| The next thing you know, it's two years, and then it's five years, and then 10 years later, and then 30 years later, and then... | ||
| Oh, you gotta get your hip replaced, huh? | ||
| Whoa, what are you gonna do? | ||
| You're saying, I gotta get my shit in order. | ||
| That's what you're telling me right here. | ||
| You're giving me tough love. | ||
| I think you've already done that. | ||
| You're getting your shit in order, right? | ||
| I mean, I think what you did with starting this Instagram page, like deciding that you can't keep this gig anymore, is very brave and smart. | ||
| You realized it. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| I don't feel like it's brave. | ||
| I feel like it was like that fear and not being able to sleep and I was forced. | ||
| That's how it feels. | ||
| Well, it's probably whatever the fuck it is, your body, the fate of the universe, whatever it is, just telling you, like, you're not, you can't do this anymore. | ||
| You can't, you know, and you just listen to it. | ||
| Some people don't ever listen, man. | ||
| They just start medicating themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just drone out. | ||
| They take SSRIs and they just show up and they just get, everything becomes like a dull medium. | ||
| And they just keep doing it over and over and over again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I am glad. | ||
| I feel right now really thankful. | ||
| And just to have being able to do shows, people coming out, it's just, you know, for years it was like up and down all over the place. | ||
| And now I feel like I do have some kind of following that I can directly contact. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, you definitely do. | ||
| And it's going to keep growing. | ||
| I mean, you keep putting out the videos like you're putting out, it's going to keep growing. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Look, we have so many different avenues now that didn't exist before. | ||
| And one of the things that I think is really cool about today versus when I started, I started in 88. Is that there's not like a competitiveness with comedians. | ||
| Instead, there's like a hyper-supportiveness. | ||
| Everybody's quick to tell you about people who are really good. | ||
| Everybody wants everybody to know. | ||
| There's no famine anymore. | ||
| Because I think before, when there was only one Tonight Show or one Letterman and there was a sitcom and everybody was scrambling for... | ||
| You want to get Thursday night at 8 o'clock on NBC? That's where the friend spot is. | ||
| Everybody wanted to get in the right spot. | ||
| And there's not that anymore. | ||
| That's an interesting point. | ||
| I hadn't thought of that. | ||
| Yeah, now it's like everybody has a YouTube channel or a Twitter page or an Instagram thing or a podcast. | ||
| They're all doing their own thing. | ||
| And instead of... | ||
| Being competitive with other comedians, everybody has everybody on their shows. | ||
| All these guys that are top podcasters, we all do everybody's show. | ||
| I'm always doing... | ||
| Either Joey does my show, or I'll do his show, or I'll do Tom's show, or he'll do my show, or I'll do Duncan's show, or he'll do my... | ||
| It's constant back and forth, and everybody's supportive. | ||
| It's because it doesn't hurt anybody. | ||
| It just helps. | ||
| And the more... | ||
| If I... If I tell people, you gotta check out Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram page, they're gonna go, and they're gonna say, he's right! | ||
| Ah, this is hilarious! | ||
| So it's good for everybody. | ||
| It's good for me, because they know that I'm not gonna bullshit them, and it's good for anybody else, too. | ||
| And it's also good for me, because I want you to do really great, because I want more of those funny videos to watch. | ||
| It's good for everybody. | ||
| I feel like giving you cash. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Luckily. | ||
| Just keep taking dives and pool. | ||
| Was I? Oh, yeah. | ||
| I took a real dive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was trying really hard. | |
| It's a hard game. | ||
| It's been a while since I played. | ||
| That's my... | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those games. | ||
| You're not supposed to take time off of that fucking stupid game. | ||
| That's a game that you have to play every day. | ||
| Alright, well, we'll play again. | ||
| Play in a year. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Practice up. | ||
| Maybe after the show, you'll play better. | ||
| Because you'll be thinking about what you did wrong. | ||
| No, I definitely... | ||
| Yeah, it was rusty there. | ||
| Do you have, like, an ultimate goal? | ||
| What you want to do? | ||
| With pool? | ||
| With stand-up? | ||
| What was your career now that you've got momentum? | ||
| I'd love to just build the audience and just do bigger venues so I don't have to travel so much. | ||
| I'd like to just have a life and be able to do... | ||
| Like weekend gigs and then come back. | ||
| Yeah, and have enough money to be comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, those Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday weeks that a lot of people do. | ||
| People don't realize you're alone for 23 hours, then you have too much attention for an hour, then you're alone for 23 hours. | ||
| If you don't have the right mindset to go out and do stuff and go to the gym, if you're a hermit, you're in real trouble mentally. | ||
| Yeah, and a lot of people do. | ||
| I think that's what Richard Jenny did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, a lot of people do wind up hermiting. | ||
| Yeah, I always make sure that I exercise and always make sure I do something. | ||
| Go out, do something. | ||
| It makes a giant difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just feel way better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like a person. | ||
| I need a routine. | ||
| Without having a boss or a job, I need a routine. | ||
| When you go on the road, do you bring somebody with you? | ||
| Like an opening act? | ||
| I can't really afford it at this point. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| When you get a bigger audience, you can bring friends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now, I just... | ||
| I jog there. | ||
| I ride my bike there by myself. | ||
| Do you have a basket where you put all your stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Front basket. | ||
| A little ding-ding. | ||
| I started bringing people on the road a long time ago, because I had a couple of gigs that I did, and the local guys were so terrible, and it made it so much more excruciating. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Because you've got to sit through... | ||
| This thing about watching someone who just has no idea what the fuck they're doing is... | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| And after it's over, you're convinced nothing's funny. | ||
| There's nothing funny. | ||
| Yeah, you hate stand-up as a genre. | ||
| You're like, it can't be funny. | ||
| Nothing can be funny. | ||
| This isn't funny. | ||
| Nothing's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| I had a great middle guy, luckily, in the last thing I did. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| The American Comedy? | ||
| Oh, San Diego. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Great gig. | ||
| Great. | ||
| It's a fun gig. | ||
| Nice audience. | ||
| It's a fun little area, too, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of drunks. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| If you're looking for a gal who's perhaps a little liquored up, it's a good place for you. | ||
| I love San Diego, period. | ||
| I could live down there. | ||
| I think it's voted the number one city to live in. | ||
| It's a fucking great place, because it's like a city, but it's not too big. | ||
| It has a little bit of traffic, but it's not crazy. | ||
| Perfect weather. | ||
| Beach, if you want it. | ||
| Yeah, and it has everything. | ||
| It's got restaurants. | ||
| People are cool. | ||
| Also, the military's there. | ||
| It's never gonna get attacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| Maybe it is. | ||
| I mean, Pearl Harbor. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Great cocaine. | ||
| You can get great cocaine there. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Where are you getting it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
From Phil? | |
| That's not what I hear. | ||
| Oh, Phil. | ||
| That guy's an asshole. | ||
| I gotta try psychedelics. | ||
| Because I've never done them. | ||
| But you smoke pot. | ||
| Smoke pot. | ||
| I eat it at night. | ||
| Helps me sleep. | ||
| Do you ever try those sprays? | ||
| Like Jumbo breath sprays? | ||
| No. | ||
| Marijuana sprays? | ||
| I wish I knew. | ||
| I would have brought some for you. | ||
| It's the way to go. | ||
| Are you going to get free sprays now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because you mentioned it? | ||
| No, I'd buy them. | ||
| Do you ever do that? | ||
| I would do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, boy, I love, you know, Reebok sneakers. | ||
| And then nobody sends you those. | ||
| It's easier to just buy them. | ||
| People send you stuff, I bet, a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do. | |
| Too much stuff. | ||
| I know, isn't it? | ||
| Shit I don't want. | ||
| It's like the... | ||
| You know, you probably want them just to send that to, like, a homeless person or something. | ||
| Well, I just don't want them to send it to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We could work out a thing where you give it to me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then don't worry about it. | ||
| And then you'll just have, like, fucking Kanye wear it in one of your bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 400, like, monster drink cases. | ||
| He's holding it just inconspicuously as he talks. | ||
| Oh, that's what I could do. | ||
| Monetize. | ||
| Product placement. | ||
| I'm not gonna monetize. | ||
| I'd like to, like, keep it. | ||
| I mean, we're joking, but like... | ||
| Have Caitlyn just drinking monster drinks. | ||
| These are fantastic! | ||
| They give me so much energy. | ||
| Ever since I chopped my nads off, I've been kinda slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What I wouldn't chop off is this. | |
| I wonder if that does happen. | ||
| That happened to my dog. | ||
| I got him fixed, and he became very listless. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He was like, what's the point? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| What's the point, man? | ||
| How old's your dog? | ||
| Well, he was, at the time, he was five. | ||
| When I got his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I got his... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Got him a little snippy. | ||
| I got a tiny dog, which isn't a great look for a man, but... | ||
| What kind of dog? | ||
| Love it. | ||
| It's a pug-chihuahua mix. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| The way I talk to my dog is... | ||
| It's offensive to me as a man. | ||
| Like, I don't tell myself... | ||
| I don't give my permission... | ||
| Like, my dog was licking her paws, and this just came out of me. | ||
| I went... | ||
| Are you licking your stinkies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stinkies? | |
| That came out of it. | ||
| I'm a grown man. | ||
| I didn't say like, oh, let me ask her if she's licking her stinkies. | ||
| But why stinkies? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It wasn't even stinkies. | ||
| It was like tinkies. | ||
| I was like, are you licking your tinkies? | ||
| Have you called them tinkies before? | ||
| No, it just came out of me. | ||
| But then I was like, maybe this is me. | ||
| Because I'm alone with my dog. | ||
| Maybe I talk like this. | ||
| Maybe this is my truth. | ||
| I have a dog that's about to die. | ||
| I have one of my one of my dogs is 13. He's a Mastiff and he's it's really bad. | ||
| He can't walk anymore It takes like for him to come in to eat. | ||
| It takes several minutes Several minutes of him walking, you know five six yards It's like we adopt these terminally ill children, because you get attached to them, like you're kids, and you wouldn't adopt a kid who's going to die at 14. Well, I have him, and I have another dog who's also very old, who's a Shibu Inu English Bulldog mix. | ||
| He's a little bit better, but he's... | ||
| He's not gonna make it very much longer either. | ||
| He's got real problems walking as well. | ||
| But then I have Marshall, who's a year and six months, and he's a golden retriever. | ||
| He's the total opposite. | ||
| He just fucking leaps into the pool, and he runs around the pool in circles, and he goes running with me in the hills, and he's a fucking, just a ball of energy and love and happiness. | ||
| And you just get to see him at this stage, and I'm like, damn, one day Marshall's gonna be 13. I'm gonna see Marshall Like these dogs, it's gonna be just a giant struggle. | ||
| It's harsh. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's fucking hard, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what it's like to have kids, but I feel like very... | |
| I get really attached to my dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's that times a million. | ||
| With kids, it's that times a million. | ||
| One of the things that changed with me is the way I look at people. | ||
| Because I always considered people just, you know, I meet you, you're 47. I just think, well, Kyle's 47. That's what he is. | ||
| But I didn't know you when you were two. | ||
| And now when I meet people, and I meet people like, I meet some old asshole. | ||
| I'm like, that old dickhead. | ||
| He used to be a little baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He was a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he became this old dickhead. | ||
| Like, how did this happen? | ||
| Like, what went wrong? | ||
| And I'm so much more compassionate. | ||
| I'm so much more... | ||
| I care about people so much more. | ||
| And I care about... | ||
| I think... | ||
| I give them more of a break. | ||
| I give people way more of a break. | ||
| And I notice this is something that... | ||
| I don't see as much in single guys who don't have children. | ||
| There's something about it that the world is dog-eat-dog. | ||
| You're competing for your career. | ||
| You're competing for love interests. | ||
| You're competing for this and that. | ||
| And everybody's like, fuck that guy and fuck him. | ||
| Nobody looks at people and goes, oh, that could have been my son. | ||
| That's a little baby that became this weirdo 28-year-old man. | ||
| That's one thing I hear about having kids that is very attractive to me, that it does shift your perspective and gives this whole new view on life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Massively. | |
| Changed who I am. | ||
| Changed who I am and permanently. | ||
| You scared me about that autistic thing, though, really bad. | ||
| Well, it's real, you know? | ||
| There's a correlation. | ||
| There's a correlation between older men and higher instances of autism. | ||
| You got the percentages? | ||
| You got some statistics for me? | ||
| Oh, it's right here for you. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I mean, look, a lot of people do it and they're fine. | ||
| And it's going to help for sure that your gal's young. | ||
| She's not even 30. Yeah. | ||
| Shoot a live one down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, baby. | |
| One right down the old tube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right there. | |
| Just get to two years. | ||
| Get to two years. | ||
| You guys have been together a year and a half? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, make it to two years. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| When you hit two, remove the goalie. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And start shooting pucks. | ||
| Bam, bam, bam from the free throw line. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Yeah, it seems like an important life experience to have. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And it's not for everybody. | ||
| And one of the things that used to drive me crazy when I was single is people would say, you know, you have to have kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have kids. | |
| You're not living a normal life. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| That is such a... | ||
| Like, the idea that you can't be a complete human being unless you recreate... | ||
| Recreate. | ||
| What's the word I'm looking for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Reproduce. | |
| How come that word wouldn't come out? | ||
| It's not that far off though, recreate another me. | ||
| But why wasn't reproduce like right there? | ||
| I was having trouble with anecdote, don't worry. | ||
| Yeah, antidote, anecdote, but those are super close. | ||
| But you can be a fucking completely fulfilled person and never get married and never have a kid. | ||
| You just have to have good friends and enjoy what you do. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| So I used to drive me crazy. | ||
| It's a little what? | ||
| I just remember being a kid and my uncle wasn't married or had kids and I was always like, huh? | ||
| What's up with him? | ||
| Smart. | ||
| What's up with that guy? | ||
| He's partying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going the Bill Maher route. | |
| Do you people... | ||
| Was that getting me into Bill Maher? | ||
| Do you have a Bill Maher character? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you people? | |
| Yeah, I do Bill Maher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you do. | |
| That's right, you do. | ||
| I saw you did... | ||
| You're one of those people. | ||
| Who thinks you're one of those people? | ||
| You're not. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, you don't. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You people. | |
| There's no God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| And if you think there is... | ||
| He's very like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know everything. | |
| I kind of do agree with a lot of what he says. | ||
| Yeah, he's a smart guy. | ||
| That show's a weird show. | ||
| Everybody talking over each other. | ||
| Five people on a panel. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Four. | ||
| Whatever the fuck. | ||
| So many people. | ||
| Did you see the Ben Affleck one? | ||
| Yes, with Sam Harris. | ||
| Sam's a friend of mine. | ||
| I love Sam. | ||
| I love Sam too. | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| I think Ben Affleck was roided up. | ||
| Oh, because of Batman. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| He had that energy. | ||
| Well, he also was kind of red and thick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His neck was thick. | ||
| Listen, when you're 40, whatever the fuck age he is, and you want to pack on that kind of muscles, there's only one way to tell you. | ||
| You gotta fucking take that plunger. | ||
| Get a prick poop shoot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think he was juiced up. | ||
| And I think he just was hyper-aggressive, virtue signaling, and really didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about. | ||
| And clearly picked the wrong guy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I would never argue with Sam Harris. | ||
| I think about it. | ||
| I think the fact that he can't be president really pisses me off. | ||
| Why can't he be? | ||
| I want a guy who's smarter than me. | ||
| Well, he could be president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| I don't think he wants to be. | ||
| I don't think he can being an atheist. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| It's like, I don't get this whole thing of like, I want to vote for this guy. | ||
| I can relate to him. | ||
| He's like me. | ||
| I don't want a guy like me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like wanting a babysitter. | ||
| I want a babysitter. | ||
| I want someone who's... | ||
| Superior. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Smarter. | ||
| I mean, he's very meditative, Sam, and calm. | ||
| I firmly believe no one should be president. | ||
| I think there should be a council of wise people. | ||
| I love that idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like the Jedi Council. | ||
| Like fucking eight people or something. | ||
| Just really, really smart people that have, you know, have... | ||
| I know. | ||
| And I think they should all have had to do mushrooms. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Well, I don't know about that. | ||
| All have to do psychedelic experiences. | ||
| All of them... | ||
| They should be high. | ||
| Not do mushrooms while they're on the job, but have in the past where they understand there's more to life than this thing. | ||
| That's part of the platform. | ||
| The person needs to be like, I did try mushrooms. | ||
| Didn't just try. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they've got your vote. | |
| No, you gotta... | ||
| Oh, do a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deep. | |
| You gotta take the heroic dose. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I love that idea. | ||
| A little think tank. | ||
| Yeah, eight people. | ||
| Super wise people. | ||
| I don't really think the mushroom thing is necessary. | ||
| But considerate, wise, objective people that care and have a deep sense of responsibility to sort of... | ||
| Guide our country in the best way possible, rather than for their own interests. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I put Neil deGrasse Tyson on this board, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'll be great. | |
| Well, he'll be great for some sort of a role as a science educator in the government anyways. | ||
| What's great about Neil is he's one of the first guys in our lifetime that made science fun, made astrophysics interesting. | ||
| He's so enthusiastic. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I fucking love that guy. | ||
| If we have aliens, we've got to send one guy to aliens. | ||
| Send Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| Well, he's also... | ||
| Even though he'll be talking to someone who is... | ||
| Doesn't really understand what he's saying. | ||
| He's not an elitist. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The way he argues, he's caring about the person and kind of guiding him. | ||
| He's a master at it. | ||
| He's a really likable guy. | ||
| But he is like that all the time. | ||
| He's like that when the camera's off. | ||
| He's just a great guy. | ||
| And one quality he has that rarely does someone who's really smart have is he's a big laugher. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a perfect human. | ||
| No, he's a fun guy. | ||
| You know, he used to be a wrestler. | ||
| Talking about mushrooms. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| He used to be a wrestler. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he wrestled in high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was jacked. | |
| Oh, yeah, he was kind of built like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think he wrestled in college, too. | ||
| He was jacked. | ||
| Like, fucking jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's an all-around quality human. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sam Harris, too, the way he argues just stays calm. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Well, he doesn't argue about things he doesn't understand either. | ||
| You know, like, if Sam has a conversation and, say, like, he's having a conversation with someone about whatever the fuck it is, some discipline that's outside of his realm, and then, you know, he'll ask questions. | ||
| He's not a know-it-all. | ||
| That's how you learn. | ||
| People forget. | ||
| But if he's talking to you about something and he's arguing, it's because he understands what he's talking about. | ||
| That's a rare quality, man. | ||
| There's so many people that want to argue about shit that they really don't even understand. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing things that you really don't understand, to try to understand them, especially if you're doing it in a casual conversation or even a podcast. | ||
| But there's a lot of fucking people that argue shit and they're just trying to win. | ||
| They're just trying to score points. | ||
| They're not really talking. | ||
| You get a lot of that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do it a lot. | |
| But I'm more aware of it watching people who don't do it. | ||
| You learn... | ||
| It's a normal thing. | ||
| You get caught up in your idea and then you want your idea to be right. | ||
| And then you kind of like chase down all the evidence that would show that your idea is right. | ||
| You see this all the time when someone gets accused of something and we don't know exactly what happened. | ||
| You see the groups of people that automatically want to think that person is guilty and automatically have a preconceived idea of what went down and how it went down, regardless of what the other person said. | ||
| They only want to look at it one way. | ||
| It just gets real weird with people. | ||
| It's harder now with all the information. | ||
| You have to be a little more... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Hashtag fake news? | ||
| Hashtag, hashtag... | ||
| I'll come back. | ||
| I'll get smarter and come back. | ||
| What kind of smart? | ||
| You gonna get book smart? | ||
| I'm gonna get Sam Harris, Neil deGrasse Tyson smart. | ||
| If I gave you a pill, and the pill would make you super smart, but you wouldn't be funny anymore, would you take it? | ||
| Would I be happy? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| No one can decide whether or not you're going to be happy but you. | ||
| What am I going to do with... | ||
| That's up to you, Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| I don't think I'd take it. | ||
| I think there's some torture and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you stay stupid and funny? | |
| I never said, hey! | ||
| No one's not stupid. | ||
| Would you stay half retarded and funny like you are now? | ||
| I did get very little oxygen when I was born. | ||
| I was purple and they were like, this one might come out a little goofy. | ||
| We have to wait and see if he starts talking. | ||
| And then I started talking like, oh, he's alright. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But I have a theory that I was born a genius, got a little retarded, and now I'm kind of normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a theory, but a retarded genius came up with it. | |
| Might not be a bad theory. | ||
| I mean, what a roll of the dice, whether you're born super smart or not. | ||
| It's a roll of the dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, everything is. | |
| There's some people that just have better brains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some people that are just really good at math. | ||
| I used to have a friend, my friend Johnny, you could just yell out math problems to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like five times five, minus six, divided by seven, multiplied by a hundred, divided by three, and he would go 16. What the fuck and like someone would be sitting next to him with a calculator and they would like try to keep up He could do it as fast as someone could type it in with a calculator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was bizarre and useless talent Calculators asshole Bummer you weren't born 200 years ago. | |
| Batteries are everywhere We need you My phone is a calculator Not to bring up Sam Harris again, but that whole free will book. | ||
| That kind of... | ||
| That's a mindfuck. | ||
| It really is, because your mind doesn't want to believe it. | ||
| It's like not believing in heaven. | ||
| You want to believe it. | ||
| It's hard to... | ||
| It's just hard, but there's definitely so much luck involved in who your parents were, how you were raised. | ||
| Life experiences, for sure. | ||
| You know, whether or not you've ever been attacked, assaulted, robbed, whether you've been in an accident, or you got gravely injured. | ||
| There's so many variables that are just fortunate. | ||
| Just luck. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many... | ||
| Or someone danced with you. | ||
| Yeah, and you got a bonehead. | ||
| Your mom was at a wedding. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Yeah, there's... | ||
| There's so many things that you just fucking luck. | ||
| Well, look, we're all lucky we're here. | ||
| We weren't born in the jungle of Guatemala somewhere. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, we're just lucky. | ||
| I mean, you won a huge, won a trillion lottery to be born. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then to be born in the U.S. at this time where we have air conditioning and GPS. Jesus. | ||
| Why don't we revere science more? | ||
| If there's a God, he's saying, I'm rewarding you every time you listen to science. | ||
| And yet, so much of religion is against science. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Look, I don't know. | ||
| Because science is saying, hey, nobody comes back from the dead after three days. | ||
| Hey, people can't really walk on water. | ||
| Hey, why did he turn water into wine? | ||
| Why didn't he just make wine? | ||
| He's fucking magic. | ||
| I never thought of that. | ||
| Stop with the magic trick, bro. | ||
| We're trying to get fucked up. | ||
| Just make us some wine. | ||
| Hey, I'm tired of wine. | ||
| You got any whiskey in that? | ||
| In those magic robes? | ||
| Yeah, the miracles were sort of like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stupid. | |
| They're fucking parlor tricks. | ||
| His miracles are horrible. | ||
| You know what was the best? | ||
| There was a thing back in the 80s called the Power Team for Jesus. | ||
| And what they were was these dudes that would do like feats of strength for Jesus. | ||
| Like they would fucking break bricks with their head. | ||
| They would rip phone books in half. | ||
| They would lift up heavy weights and do it for Jesus. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like Jesus gave them the power. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it was also like, hey, dude, Jesus is... | ||
| He's magic. | ||
| He's got magic. | ||
| Like, he's not going to be impressed by you breaking a board with your extra thick skull, you fucking idiot. | ||
| Wow, look at one of my children down there. | ||
| You never heard of them? | ||
| No, I... Dude, I used to watch them all the time. | ||
| They were on, like, this religious channel. | ||
| And I used to watch the Power Team for Jesus going, what in the fuck is this? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| Have you found anything on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found a lot. | |
| I'm trying to find a good one to share. | ||
| Those guys are the 3rd Street Promenade. | ||
| There he is! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the power team for Jesus. | |
| Yeah, see? | ||
| They break bricks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, for Jesus! | |
| I broke this brick for the Lord! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And steroids, for sure! | ||
|
unidentified
|
There goes the devil! | |
| Yes! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I'd use my head! | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look, the axe kicked it. | |
| Whoa, whoa. | ||
| It seems a little too easy to break those. | ||
| They're really making a mess for Jesus. | ||
| Ooh, he drops an elbow down. | ||
| Ooh, I'm going to blow up this balloon for Jesus. | ||
| Oh, they blow it up until it explodes. | ||
| That's why they have to wear goggles on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a hot water balloon. | |
| Yeah, it's a bladder. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| This trick is not great. | ||
| Oh, wax you right in the face. | ||
| This is so stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The song Boom. | |
| Here comes the boom! | ||
| Oh, he ripped a phone bus. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was P.O.D. That's saliva. | |
| P.O.D. is a Christian rock band. | ||
| P.O.D.? P.O.D.? Yeah, payable on death. | ||
| What's the goal here? | ||
| Christian rock, yeah. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| They have some great fucking songs. | ||
| They definitely do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here comes the boom. | ||
| Yeah, it's Rook. | ||
| He's ripping phone books in half for Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| He's bending a bar for Jesus. | ||
| Jesus is going to love this. | ||
| And by the way, this is a newer power team. | ||
| This is not the original power team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's power team 2.0. | |
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Well, the older guys are dead from steroids. | ||
| 1990. They're all with Jesus now. | ||
| Is this a 1991? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brad Tuttle. | ||
| Look at the fucking mullet, bro. | ||
| And shaved armpits, by the way. | ||
| Notice that. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That guy's got shaved armpits. | ||
| Yeah, Jesus loves that. | ||
| Look at the pants. | ||
| Those puffy pants. | ||
| Those gym pants. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| What's he saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big bad boy, I was walking in. | |
| All my friends were inside. | ||
| And the door shut behind me. | ||
| Where's your armpit at, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right when the door shut. | |
| *crying* Jesus took the blinders and rolled them right off my eyes. | ||
| And inside that bar, for the first time in my life, I saw the world of what it really had to offer me. | ||
| You know what it was? | ||
| A big fat zero. | ||
| I got in my car. | ||
| I drove home with my wife. | ||
| We got inside our apartment. | ||
| My wife went and sat on the couch. | ||
| I paced back and forth in the living room like a lion who was chained down to everything the world passed by him. | ||
| And I was chained down. | ||
| I said I've looked all my life to find one thing! | ||
| This is for people where pro wrestling is a little too heady. | ||
| Pro wrestling without the other guy. | ||
| Yeah, it's for people who think pro wrestling is too complicated. | ||
| I don't get what they're saying in pro wrestling. | ||
| There's too many people, too many moving pieces. | ||
| It hurts my brain. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| Yeah, that was a huge crowd. | ||
| Dude, that's like 25 plus thousand people. | ||
| That place is giant. | ||
| I'm in the wrong business. | ||
| Yeah, look, they lift things up for the Lord. | ||
| Oh, what happened to the mullet, bro? | ||
| Got rid of the mullet. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Is he going to jump rope? | ||
| It looks bigger, too. | ||
| He did more roids and got rid of the mullet. | ||
| His head grew. | ||
| His forehead's larger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Multiple guys there, too. | |
| Multiple people. | ||
| Are they going to throw him into a pit or something? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| I wonder if he has the same speech or if he gives a different one every time. | ||
| Oh, that's the same guy, bro. | ||
| Oh, the mullet guy's right behind him. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's got the chains on. | |
| They're the same human. | ||
| Yeah, they're the same guy. | ||
| It's a clone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tag team partner, I think. | |
| Maybe they're twins. | ||
| They're tag team partners? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| The first time I ever saw them was on Jerry Springer or something. | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| Maybe they had to smash people. | ||
| On Jerry Springer. | ||
| Sometimes they had to find out who's the baby mama. | ||
| Oh, that's Maury. | ||
| Maury was who's the baby daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's your baby daddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has anybody contacted you from them? | ||
| The Kardashians? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder if they've seen it. | |
| They slid into your DMs. | ||
| You saw a DM and it was Kanye. | ||
| You see the blue check mark. | ||
| You're like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I would snap a photo and post it. | ||
| I'm tired of Caitlyn too. | ||
| Oh, you need to be on my side? | ||
| Record a fat beat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would love that. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I feel like, would they be mad? | ||
| I don't think they'd be mad. | ||
| Whenever I do a comedy special, one of the things that I do is I have a moment of panic after I'm done. | ||
| I smoke pot, and I get super paranoid, and I go, oh, I shouldn't have done that bit. | ||
| And the last one was my Caitlyn Jenner bit. | ||
| I, by the way, love that bit. | ||
| This is how you know it's a good bit. | ||
| I was like, oh, I wish I'd thought of that. | ||
| You know, you go, oh, yeah, that's the angle. | ||
| But it was... | ||
| Well, I had to think for so long how to do that. | ||
| And the way to do it was just to shit on myself first. | ||
| And then also have a lot of truth in it about how, like, I've never been happier, but I've never been more of a bitch. | ||
| I live in a house filled with girls. | ||
| There's all women in my house. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I have zero say in, like, where things go or what color things are. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| It's easier, too, to just let them run. | ||
| I want them to be happy. | ||
| And I don't need my masculine energy everywhere. | ||
| And that's also one of the nice things about this place. | ||
| This place is clearly like a big old... | ||
| This is a bro warehouse. | ||
| It's a bro house, bro. | ||
| It's a fucking bro warehouse. | ||
| But, um, so... | ||
| I felt like, oh, that's the thing, because they're turning me softer, for sure. | ||
| Like, living with all these women, I've changed the way I communicate and think and behave. | ||
| I'm turning into a bitch. | ||
| I'm like, I've never been more of a bitch in my life. | ||
| So the idea was, like, if my manhood was a mountain of marbles, I'm like, every day they take two. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| You have so many marbles. | ||
| God, Dad, why do you care? | ||
| Why do you even care? | ||
| And then I'm like, I'm seeing where this is going. | ||
| And then I said, okay, this is what it is. | ||
| That's where the bit is. | ||
| The bit is, I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner. | ||
| And then I'm like, everybody's like, he's always been a woman. | ||
| Like, maybe, maybe, or maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough, you fucking become one. | ||
| And Kanye, you don't like what you're saying. | ||
| I don't like what I'm saying. | ||
| He's going crazy. | ||
| He's clearly going crazy. | ||
| You live with crazy people. | ||
| So that bit was one of the ones where after I released it, I'm like, oh, that poor girl. | ||
| She doesn't need me to be pretending that she got seduced by demons in the middle of the night while she's sleeping. | ||
| But it was so fun to do. | ||
| It was also a fucked up bit to do because in order to do it, I literally had to think like a demon. | ||
| Like I would think like I was trying to seduce her. | ||
| Like I was whispering in her ear like a demon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, Bruce. | |
| We would like you better. | ||
| Wow, there's no effect on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're one of us. | |
| You can just do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really hard. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I can't be one of you. | ||
| I was born a man. | ||
| Not in sense. | ||
| You see the old footage of the old Kardashian shows, and Bruce will come in like, you girls and your makeup, and walk down pissed off. | ||
| Apparently he was cross-dressing that whole time. | ||
| Yeah, since he was younger. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There's a theory by one of the guys who was in the Olympics with him that everybody was roided up back then. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| They just gave everybody steroids. | ||
| And one of the things that happens to men when they take large doses of steroids is that your testosterone shuts down. | ||
| Your body just shuts down. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's a real... | ||
| There's a depression period. | ||
| There's a lot of weird things that happen to men. | ||
| One of the other things that happens is your body starts producing way more estrogen. | ||
| You get something called bitch tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Ever see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got those. | |
| No, it's different. | ||
| It's called gynomastica. | ||
| And gynomastica comes from introducing too much exogenous testosterone into your system. | ||
| Your body starts producing estrogen to sort of balance it out. | ||
| And in that process, you grow tits. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what this person from the... | ||
| I don't remember if they named the person who it was, but they were saying that all of this happened right when Bruce got off steroids, like right after the Olympics. | ||
| Like he saw this transition taking place where he was just baffled and confused. | ||
| Well, I heard that when he was a kid, he used to steal his mom's or sister's clothes or something like that. | ||
| I heard. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That makes more sense. | ||
| I don't like that you feel tortured and that must be awful. | ||
| I really feel comfortable making... | ||
| I don't make fun of her genitalia or something, but she's really a ridiculous person. | ||
| Besides forgetting the transgender thing, she's really funny. | ||
| Well, how about the fucking kill the lady and never bring it up? | ||
| Just that alone. | ||
| Yeah, that is... | ||
| I mean, all the conversations afterwards, all the interviews afterwards, it wasn't this existential crisis of having accidentally killed someone and being at this point in your life where you're like, oh my god, I don't have much time to live and I just sent some woman to her grave because I wasn't paying attention at the wheel of my Escalade. | ||
| That never got brought up. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what she felt behind closed doors, but it didn't seem like it slowed her down at all. | ||
| I think I'd take a month off and be like, I gotta not be out in public, and I feel horrible, and I'm gonna take care of this family somehow. | ||
| She was on Sephora trying on different eye shades. | ||
| I don't know why we care. | ||
| She wasn't even famous. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Press doesn't talk about that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who cares?! | |
| You're so good at that impression. | ||
| You could do her on stage and you don't even need the face swap. | ||
| People would just start laughing. | ||
| They know what you're doing. | ||
| When I did it at Largo, I got fully dressed up and I put glasses on and stuff. | ||
| Oh no, you didn't. | ||
| And I was back... | ||
| Did he introduce you as Caitlyn Jenner? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, I came out as like... | ||
| It was a big risk. | ||
| And Zach Galifianakis was backstage. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know where I was going to go. | ||
| And he was like, I've dressed up as a woman, and I'll just say this. | ||
| It's a longer fall when it fails, which is true. | ||
| If you get all dressed up and you bomb, it's like... | ||
| Darkness. | ||
| That scared me. | ||
| Darkness. | ||
| Darkness falls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Darkness falls. | |
| It's lucky that she's ridiculous enough that you could point things out. | ||
| Like, this is one of the things that people always say about, you know, when people are clamoring about what a great person Hillary Clinton was. | ||
| I'm like, do you know that she didn't endorse gay marriage until 2013? | ||
| She was against gay marriage. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Against gay marriage until 2013. She's a fucking ridiculous person. | ||
| There's hundreds of videos of her lying. | ||
| You hear what she said and you hear what the truth is. | ||
| You hear the Comey investigation, what the FBI found, the deleted emails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Benghazi. | |
| Benghazi. | ||
| She's just not an honest person. | ||
| Maybe that's part of the job. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But if you bring that up to people, they have less of an argument. | ||
| Well, with Caitlyn, you bring up the fact that she's against gay marriage. | ||
| And people go, wait, what? | ||
| No. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Here, I'm gonna play you something. | ||
| And then your player's saying, well, I'm a traditional girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is so mind-blowing that it went over... | ||
| You almost can't... | ||
| I can't really wrap my head around... | ||
| That's gotta be a joke. | ||
| I can't believe... | ||
| But people don't seem to care that much. | ||
| They seem to be like letting that slide. | ||
| They don't see how fucking ridiculous that is. | ||
| Very hypocritical. | ||
| Just crazy. | ||
| It's crazy is what it is. | ||
| It's like mentally unstable. | ||
| There's bad processing going on. | ||
| I mean, there's no sense or empathy to put that on. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You're right there. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| First of all, the thing about gay marriage to me has always been, who gives a fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Are we pretending that they don't love each other? | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Are we pretending that it's immoral? | ||
| Okay, well, if it's a moral thing, then we have a real argument. | ||
| What is morality if it's not two people that love each other? | ||
| You have a problem with the fact that they're both boys? | ||
| They've done scientific studies that have shown that they have a different pattern to the way their brain thinks. | ||
| They can show the difference in the way, especially with trans kids and trans people. | ||
| They're showing with fMRIs and all these different ways of measuring, like their brains appear to work more like a woman's brain than they do like a man's brain. | ||
| There's something going on. | ||
| It's not as simple as delusions. | ||
| And then with gay people, there's clearly something going on where they're attracted only to the same sex. | ||
| It's like a biological issue. | ||
| And this issue is, it exists. | ||
| So to pretend that they're supposed to ignore that for your benefit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Todd, you know Todd Glass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| He brought up a great, insightful thing. | ||
| Because he lived a lot, people didn't know he was gay. | ||
| So he heard guys talking or people who were like, you know, homophobic or whatever. | ||
| And his point of view was like, he thinks a lot of this is from people imagine the act and they're grossed out and it really bothers them. | ||
| And he was saying, do you want to imagine your sister giving a blowjob? | ||
| No, it's disgusting, but you want her to feel loved and you want her to have that happiness. | ||
| And that's all he was asking for. | ||
| I thought that was an insightful thing. | ||
| I think a lot of times, too, it's just lack of exposure to gay people when you're young in particular. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Having them be accepted by your family and other people. | ||
| When I was a kid, I got really lucky. | ||
| I lived in San Francisco from the time I was 7 to 11. And we were around a lot of gay people. | ||
| My next door neighbors were gay and they would get naked with my aunt and they would play the bongos. | ||
| They would smoke pot and play the bongos. | ||
| Because it was San Francisco in the 70s. | ||
| You were lucky. | ||
| To me, gay people were just like, it was a normal thing. | ||
| It was just, this guy's gay, this guy's black, this guy's old, this guy, you know, just a person. | ||
| Just a different kind of person. | ||
| And then I moved to Florida. | ||
| When I was 11, we moved to Florida. | ||
| We moved to Gainesville. | ||
| You basically moved to a different country. | ||
| I moved to Planet Stupid and these people that I lived, I had my friend, his name was Candy, Candido, and he was a Cuban kid and his dad was fucking super homophobic. | ||
| And so I remember I went over his house once after school to play and his dad was like, I can't believe these fucking faggots want to get married. | ||
| Believe this shit and he's throwing the newspaper down on the table. | ||
| And I remember I was 11, right? | ||
| And I was like, what's wrong with this fucking dummy? | ||
| Why does he care? | ||
| Like, why is this bothering him at all? | ||
| It didn't even make sense to me. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people, real rage underneath it all. | ||
| I think they're scared of being gay, and I don't want anybody to think they're gay. | ||
| It's just putting it off. | ||
| And it may be like the act disgusts them, but all sex is disgusting. | ||
| I mean, all of it. | ||
| You're doing it wrong. | ||
| Oh, I am? | ||
| Yeah, I'll talk to you after the show. | ||
| After the show, give me some pointers. | ||
| Something was off. | ||
| Maybe that's why you haven't had a kid yet. | ||
| Yeah, I've been trying for 30 years. | ||
| I've been trying. | ||
| Put it in the butt like you're supposed to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| No. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| How long have we been talking? | ||
| I feel like I've been talking for... | ||
| Two hours and 40 minutes. | ||
| Somewhere around there. | ||
| You want to wrap it up? | ||
| I'm a gabber, huh? | ||
| No, we always do this. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What is a normal length of a show? | ||
| Probably around that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You do this twice a week? | ||
| This week, four times. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're banking a few. | ||
| No. | ||
| They go live. | ||
| We're streaming live. | ||
| And then afterwards we'll put it up on iTunes and it'll upload to YouTube in a little bit. | ||
| You got a whole thing going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I have too many guests' requests. | ||
| It's like there's almost too many. | ||
| And I love doing it. | ||
| So I just do a bunch of them. | ||
| Who's your favorite guest? | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| I don't have one. | ||
| I'm so lucky. | ||
| I've had so many great guests. | ||
| I really don't have a favorite. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I discovered Sam Harris through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I have pretty good guests. | ||
| The problem is, your impression has replaced her real voice. | ||
| In my mind, if I see her on TV, I'm like, yeah, well. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I got my size 17 chimichurri. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not sure what she sounds like anymore. | ||
| It might be different. | ||
| So, do you have mapped out future ones that you're working on right now? | ||
| I have a couple. | ||
| I actually have like a song I just recorded. | ||
| I can play a second. | ||
| Because I heard that she hits from the ladies tease. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
In golf? | |
| I don't even want to research it because I don't want it to not be true. | ||
| But that's what I heard. | ||
| So I wrote a song about her hitting from the ladies' tees. | ||
| Do you have an internet? | ||
| Because my phone is broken. | ||
| I need internet. | ||
| I could do a world premiere right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Like, Jamie can look something up. | ||
| Well, no, it's in my email. | ||
| Oh, you need our Wi-Fi password? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll type it in first. | |
| Here, give it to Jamie. | ||
| He'll type it in there. | ||
| Your phone's just... | ||
| It died. | ||
| But it's working. | ||
| No, it doesn't do phone calls. | ||
| I got Wi-Fi, but that's it. | ||
| And it dies sometimes for no reason. | ||
| I went to the 18-2 store before this. | ||
| I've got to go to the Apple store. | ||
| There's a major problem. | ||
| This isn't interesting, but anyway. | ||
| There's a power cord next to you, too. | ||
| I had my phone break. | ||
| My phone broke in Hawaii because I was, uh, I just dropped it too many times. | ||
| It started making random phone calls. | ||
| I could open the contact screen and start calling people. | ||
| I'd hang up. | ||
| Call somebody else. | ||
| I'd hang up. | ||
| Well, Lucky is no one in my contacts that I don't like. | ||
| But when it did that, I had to... | ||
| And then it totally stopped where it wouldn't let me punch in my code to unlock it. | ||
| It was just fucked. | ||
| Wouldn't recognize my face. | ||
| It was like, fuck you. | ||
| It was dead. | ||
| So I ordered one and I had to get it shipped and I was in Lanai, which is a really small island. | ||
| So it takes a few days to get an iPhone there. | ||
| It took three days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was a beautiful three days. | ||
| Best three days of your life. | ||
| Three days with no phone. | ||
| Just chilling. | ||
| Yesterday I could not get... | ||
| What's so funny? | ||
| There's an article I just found where he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| She was talking about... | ||
| Should I hit for the men's team? | ||
| Let's vote on it. | ||
| She said... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Craig T. Nelson's comment. | |
| I played golf with you for 30 years before Caitlyn Nelson said, I know how you hit, so it wasn't prejudice. | ||
|
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|
He said he wouldn't allow her. | |
| He wouldn't allow her to hit from the men's tee? | ||
| I think if you're on a Wheaties box, you can't, as an athlete, you can't. | ||
| For her part, Jenner said she'd hit from either box depending on how the group voted. | ||
| And women's T1. Oh, and don't worry, she dominated everyone on the links. | ||
| Both sexes. | ||
| Sure she did. | ||
| She's a fucking Olympic gold medalist. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Even though she's 70 years old and a woman now. | ||
| Well, she went through puberty as a man. | ||
| She's got the man muscles and the man skeleton. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| It's all withered away. | ||
| The skeleton's still there, but the muscles are gone. | ||
| This is the world premiere. | ||
| I won't play the whole thing. | ||
| Play it, baby. | ||
| What, I just put on this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to shoot the video point next week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
West Coast. | |
| West Coast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| West Coast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some things have changed and some things have changed. | ||
| I'm still hanging with my homies and riding on golf games. | ||
| But lately, they make me angry like I'm doing wrong. | ||
| They want me to hit from the mainstream. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| You still What is the Lady C closer? | ||
| I don't play golf. | ||
| Oh yeah, they're 20, 30 yards closer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| This is... | ||
| She's driving the cart. | ||
| Let's end with that. | ||
| Kyle Dunnegan, you're a funny motherfucker, man. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| I'm glad you listened to that terrible feeling that you had in the middle of the night. | ||
| I am too. | ||
| I'm really glad. | ||
| You got more songs playing? | ||
| No, I don't know what's going on. | ||
| My phone's exploding. | ||
| KyleDunnegan1 on Instagram. | ||
| Do you have a Twitter? | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| Oh, you got Kyle Dunnigan on Twitter. | ||
| I got the right one for Twitter. | ||
| But I don't really... | ||
| Who's the Kyle Dunnigan on Instagram? | ||
| He's like in the Midwest. | ||
| Buy it from him. | ||
| Reach out. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I can't change... | ||
| Once you get verified, you can't change it? | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, we'll talk afterwards. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, I'll let you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| There's people you can call. | ||
| Swine. | ||
| Right? | ||
| My man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| And everybody else, go check out his Instagram page. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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