Todd Glass reveals his Netflix special’s bold, jazz-club aesthetic—collaborating with Jeff Rowe and Scott Moran—while Joe Rogan contrasts it with raw, intimate venues like Helium in Philly. They debate comedy discipline, tech as a creative "net," and Mitch Hedberg’s surreal style, then pivot to Rodney Dangerfield’s shock-value genius and the absurdity of gender stereotypes. Rogan slams divisive tactics, from the NRA mocking school shooting survivors to reckless environmental policies, while Glass critiques "progressive bullying." The duo also dissect club owner dynamics, vegan nutrition quirks, and bizarre survival stories before Glass admits self-honesty fuels growth—highlighting his April 22–23 Texas gigs and June performances. Rogan hails him as a top-tier comic, urging listeners to check out Suck My Pigeon Dick on Netflix. [Automatically generated summary]
Like, there's something about those intimate spaces.
Like, one of the things that I've noticed when I take people on the road with me...
Is that guys who have never worked at theater like it takes a few tries to get they go.
Oh, okay.
This is a whole different thing There's so many people here.
You've got to kind of project out to them.
It's like a different thing It's not you don't feel them the way you feel them at the in the OR right on like a Wednesday night, right or Comedy works in Denver where they're on top of you.
You know like you feel the people there more, right?
Well, even in D.C., which I think is a good example, D.C. has a 60-seat room.
And whenever I'm in there, I go...
I give it...
I had a two-piece band playing.
They put black tablecloths on all the tables.
The lights are gelled blue.
So now people are turning the corner into this thick blue room with two guys with black suits playing jazz as they're being seated and eating.
So now...
I don't feel like it's an afterthought.
What you just said, and I'll take it as a compliment, the other comedian that's in the main room there, which is an awesome room, but you look into the little room and you're like, it just looks like something's going on, and that's how I want it to look.
The thing about, I will say this, about a good club, most of the food's been served or I couldn't do what I'm about to tell you that I've done.
So the club has to at least be good at going, no, we get the food out.
We have food we can get out.
By the time the show started, we try to have the whole room serviced.
So in the event, like Helium does that.
So I started making this announcement, and I would tell people, because I do my own pre-show announcement, it has to do with what you said about when they're sitting sideways.
And I would just go, real calm, real calm.
Other than that, folks, hey, now's a good time to turn your chair around.
You're always going to have to annoy someone to the right or the left of you, but now's the time to do it, and once all the chairs are facing the stage, we'll get this thing started.
Play a little house music.
And then you know what?
They wouldn't do it.
But another 30 seconds I'd go, so we're just waiting for all those chairs to get turned around and then we'll get it started.
So it looks like we're close to showtime.
And the second time, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Every chair in the room, they're like, oh, they're nuts.
But, you know, I get it.
It's a pain in the ass.
And if I was in the audience, I wouldn't want to turn my chair around.
But guess what?
Once someone made me do it, you'd enjoy the show better.
They come in, and then when they put the phone in the bag, they still hold onto their phone.
They can leave the room if they get a phone call.
You have a kid or something like that, and someone's watching the kid, you can always get out of the room and make a call.
But you can't call people when you're in the room.
And I was having people calling people and talking on the phone.
You could see them talking on the phone while the show's going on.
And people around them would be getting pissed off.
And someone on Twitter commented on it.
And everyone's got their phones up.
Look, I know.
I've done it, too.
I'm totally a hypocrite.
When I saw Honey Honey with Gary Clark...
We performed in this little tiny room in downtown LA. It was a midnight show on like a Tuesday.
And I filmed it and I put it on my Instagram.
So I know I'm a hypocrite.
But that was a rare occasion and it wasn't a comedy show.
It's like a comedy show, you have to pay attention to what the fuck's going on.
If you're filming it, you're definitely not paying full attention.
It's just not, you're gonna miss some stuff.
It's just not the same thing.
When you're filming shit, like, everybody is just, and even if you're not, you're checking this and checking texts and, boy, we got a real addiction problem in this country with you.
I could be way off, or I could be off-kilt, but the way I come to my conclusion about, like, you know, it is a weird thing.
And even me, I could acknowledge it.
Otherwise, if I don't acknowledge it, then you're never going to tell someone the opposing side if they don't think you get what I... Yeah, you see it.
But it just seems like in the past...
Now, this could be different.
With no snarkiness at all, this could be a different thing.
Every time they think there's one of these things, like TV, radio, it just seems like we get past it.
It's like being plugged into electronics to the point where that's where you're getting most of your stimuli from.
You're getting artificial stimuli.
My concern, and this is a real concern, is that we're getting really into that and that we're going to let it take the next step, which is some sort of an implant.
I feel like we're in a movie.
We're in a movie about a person that becomes a machine.
And we're watching this rationalization process as we slowly get more and more ingrained and interconnected with technology.
What you were just addressing, like we said before, like I... I catch myself, and I really try, like if I had to give myself a grade on how much I've improved on turning the phone off, loving it for what's great about it, I give myself maybe a C-, but it means I've made some strides in turning it off.
You're not an F. Not an F. Not from far.
Matter of fact, I remember a week ago, I was going to the Grove, and I went, I'm not meeting anybody, and I left my phone in the car.
Even a joint, I don't roll joints because I'm lazy, but whenever someone has a joint and they put it, I go, this is when I, this just happens so, I get a little higher.
I am exhausted from dealing with, like, it's like, not like it's a big deal, but it's like the first time you, whether, you can admit major things in your life, like, oh, I have a drinking problem, but they can be stupid little things, you know?
Mine is eating.
Like, I am exhausted from doing it the wrong way.
And everything comes back to me for self-control.
So when people want to tell me about a diet, it's not portions.
I know what portions are.
I just want to eat more.
So it's all down to how do I fucking get self-control.
I have zero...
I mean, if I'm not going to call it zero self-control, then I don't know what the hell I'm going to call it.
I just had a thought of me, like, picture me at the canter shoving cheesecake in my mouth, and my friends are looking at me like, Todd, and I go, Joe Rogan said that because I'm creative that I should eat whatever I want.
unidentified
He said it, and you can go listen to his podcast.
He said that I should eat...
Joe Rogan, and you can go listen, he said, clear out the minibar before you get in your hotel bed, even if you're not really hungry.
Like, you get a lot of thinking done in there, man.
When you're just holding these poses and there's no music, no nothing, just everybody in the class breathing is a 90-minute class.
There's some sort of psychedelic effect there.
There's some sort of cleansing of the mind.
And I think that's one of the things that we overlook when it comes to mental health.
Your brain needs to be cleaned out.
You can't just like stagnate and think on thoughts.
Your physical body can clean your brain out a little bit.
Can get rid of some of the stress and tension.
And you can see things clearer.
Like those terms, stress reduction, tension relief.
What does that mean?
It means the way you fucking think!
Okay?
You're doing something to your body that radically alters the way you're going to think about things.
And everybody's supposed to do it.
And one of the problems in society is that you don't do it, but you have these instincts that are built into your body from thousands of years of what people asked of their bodies 20, 30 generations ago.
We're all those same people.
So if we don't deal with what our body, just some physical activity, you just got to get the blood flowing.
If you don't, you're like an overflowing battery or something.
Resetting yourself, that's a simple way to get a taste.
And we always make the joke, we're like, oh, we're just going to eat, and then we're going to go throughout the whole day, and then, oh, put our food, okay, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I think your brain has requirements for those things, those kind of things.
I think those kind of moments are really good for your outlook, a reset.
I think that's like the same feeling that maybe a primitive man would get when he would walk up to the edge of a cliff and see some crazy view and see nature and birds flying around, the sun.
Wow.
Yeah, I'm getting chased by leopards every day, but look, this is fucking amazing.
Yeah, that's the thing about all that motivational speaking stuff, right?
It's like the guy who's doing all the motivational speaking, if he's pulling up in a Rolls Royce and he lives in a big mansion, it's like, yeah, you're enthusiastic.
Look, everything's going great.
How are you if someone takes all this stuff away?
Can you be stoic?
Can you be at peace when you're broke and you're by yourself in some one-bedroom apartment somewhere?
Can you do it all over again?
Get back to the suburbs.
You know, could you imagine if someone told you?
Dan Cook was the first one I ever heard talk about this, so I'll give him credit for that.
He said, I would never want to try to do stand-up again.
I don't think I could do it.
Like, that it is so hard to do that I would never want to start and do it again.
Did you ever think, like, what it would be like if you had to start again?
Like right now, you have zero jokes, you've never done stand-up, but somehow or another you have this vague memory of the grind that it takes to become an actual professional.
Did you ever think of, like, I know two things I would have done, like, before, when did you start stand-up?
Excuse me, 88. I was 21. Did you, is there a job, when you were in high school, did you think, you thought you knew what you wanted to do, maybe, for a living?
And I would say, all you have to do is just show up and you get an A. Just try.
Just try and you get an A. It has nothing to do with your physical performance because the idea that everybody's starting on the same page is ridiculous.
Some of these people have serious athletic backgrounds.
Some of these people never worked out a day in their life and they thought it'd be fun to try something new.
So the idea of grading them against each other, I said, I'll give you guys all an A. I was their age.
And so we just, we did a lot of cool shit and kick pads and I taught them how to turn their hip into stuff and how to, you know, how to get power things.
You could see them, it's a, there's something very enthusiastic about someone Regardless of what their physical ability is getting a little bit better and seeing it, you know Even if they start from nothing and then you see just yes.
Yes, you're getting it You're getting it and then see them beam like you get this that that to me was what I was into what I wasn't into is people that needed to be motivated and They just half-assed things.
They weren't enthusiastic.
They were distracted.
Maybe they were talking too much.
You could do all that stuff another time, but if you want to get good at this, there's only one way.
You have to be really interested in getting good at it.
You've got to be really focused on all the things you're doing, right or wrong.
And he met me when he was, like, 15 or 16 at Helium.
And he was wearing a Conestoga shirt.
That's where I went to high school.
So, of course, you're like, you know, and he said he's a new comedian.
So, right away.
Went to your high school and he's doing stand-up comedy.
He was with his dad.
We talked.
I go, hey, if you want to come back with your friend Saturday, I said, here's my number.
I'll put you on the guest list.
And then, you know, a year goes by, I was in Philly, I called him, I said, hey Blake, you know, thanks for, it was, whatever it was, it would be a message I was leaving, hey, I got your friends on the guest list for Thursday, and then there's these messages.
Then we became good friends.
So he told me I saved every one of your messages about a year ago.
I've had people say that before, but then they go, oh, they got erased, or when they, you know, oh, I got my computer, and then I lost them.
He came over about a year ago with, like, 50 messages.
And so we put him on a CD and put him on iTunes, and it's 12 years of messages from Todd Glass to Blake Wexler, a simple name.
But the reason I think it's really pure, which is a weird way to maybe say it, but it's just from me to him.
Now, there was probably three or four at the end where I knew they'd probably end up on there, but I mentioned it.
I go, now this whole thing is fucking ruined because I know you're making that CD, so now I'm aware of it.
But most of them, I never thought they'd end up on a CD. So it's just me talking to Blake, and it sort of tells our friendship.
You see the friendship grow, but there's some of them very funny.
I thought because I'm not gonna be so stupid to think oh Tony knows I'm gonna get a weekend but he probably did know he was he was around comedy a lot he probably knew something you know yeah yeah he's gonna be he'll get a weekend you know I got a weekend all right yeah man when you when you talking when you're talking to an open miker it's like you're talking to someone who's gonna make a journey that like if you had a hundred open micers what are the odds That they become professional.
Like Bloomington has a scene, and you think, a lot of those people, two years later, like, wow, look how good they're doing, and they're in New York now, and they're...
So in a small group, but yeah, probably on all the comedians in every city that are doing it right now, I guess it's a lot lower.
Yeah, what I'm saying is, from the person who makes it on stage the first time, every week at the Comedy Store, you're dealing with how many, what do they get on?
I encourage anyone, if you're not even into doing stand-up, just to go watch an open mic night.
And see the mania and the madness and what some of it is just someone who you you what you're seeing is Potential right or no potential you're seeing one of those two things Either you see it someone where you go that person is fucking never going to be a stand-up comedian There's no way there's just no way, you know like there's no way and then you're seeing huh, maybe Oh, yeah.
It's because, like, you're attacking things that aren't there.
Right?
Like you're going after stupid laws and dumb shit that happened, and like you're literally, by using your words and the way you're describing things, literally having a little battle with something that's not even there.
Unfortunately, some people are really good at that, but when it comes to their act, they don't explore as much...
So think about, like, if you're writing about someone.
Like, there's some people, my point is that there's some people that I've seen that are really good at that roast battle.
I see a lot of people do it.
But then you see their set, their actual stand-up set, and like, mm, it's missing a spark, right?
There was a spark that you had when you were in combat with this other person, because you knew they were going to be firing at you, so you were firing at them, and it was all in fun, but it was also a chance to flex your comedic writing skills.
Well, then when you're on stage and it's just you, then where's the juice?
That's why I said it was a writing sample, because, you know, if you were writing jokes, you could also make statements, political statements, and go back and...
No one gets hurt because you're making fun of Hitler.
The thing is, the stand-up, when you're doing something like that, you have a little bit more freedom.
It's more open-ended.
But in the stand-up, people are paying to see you, and you're supposed to be getting laughs.
And when you're not getting laughs, there's this feeling of disappointment in the audience.
And when you're doing new stuff, man, there's a distinct possibility there's going to be no fucking laughs in the spot where you wanted there to be laughs.
And you're like, yikes!
I thought that was a way funnier idea.
Or maybe I just fucked up the way I said it, or maybe I just have to stretch it out and figure out where the good spots are and then start hacking it up and editing it.
You know, but there's gonna be a real problem with bombing.
You're gonna have to be comfortable with saying a joke that's just not that good.
And some people just aren't.
So they get to that spot and they go, fuck that, let's do some tried and true.
I don't, and I'm so embarrassed because I know how good it is to do it.
I did it five or six times in my whole career.
And it did so much good that you would think, because I'm lazy.
You know what you were just saying about you go to a joke and it's just dead?
I started doing this thing and it really helps me get out of those moments, so I'll hit the punchline, nothing.
So whatever.
Well, I'll make up a punchline.
It was blue.
But you know what?
Then I realized instantly.
See, here's what I just did.
Sometimes in comedy, ladies and gentlemen, you get to an end of a joke, and it's not the crowd's fault because you're great, but it just doesn't land, and it's uncomfortable for them.
They feel bad for you.
So what I did when I hit that period about 30 seconds ago, I'd just been talking nonstop ever since, and now we're here, and everybody's happy.
He was the type of comedian, he would get into his rhythm, like, I would listen to him a lot of times on the way to the airport, because I was, you know, that traffic on the way to the airport's annoying.
He just wanted to just chill out and giggle.
So I'd put on some Mitch Hedberg.
And just be fucking giggling.
And when you're just smiling, when you're not, when he's, you know, in between punchlines, you just have a big smile on your face.
Because he would put on this silly vibe, and you would get caught up in it because it was really fun.
I realized that a few years ago when you listen to the old ones and he would, in other words, a joke could be, it was still Rodney, but it would be like, this is more of a joke a comedian would tell, not really one line.
You know you're getting old when your family talks in front of you.
Bob Nelson opened for him, and then I got to meet Rodney backstage through Bob.
And you know what is when you think you know something?
It applies with everything.
Sexism, you think you know what it is, but you really don't.
There's still a lot more to learn.
Of course I knew what timing was before I saw Rodney.
I could tell you I was a comedian for ten years at that point, but I know what timing is.
But then when you saw Rodney, I went, oh fuck, that's timing.
It was so, like, I knew what it was, but I just got a doctorate in what it was.
I just saw it delivered, like, the best of the best of the best, and I go, now?
I mean, it was just crazy with every turn and every...
And then just when you think, how can he take you anywhere?
And then the band kicks in, and then he starts, like, you know, doing betting music.
And then the band bumped, they got bigger and bigger.
Then he started singing this song, because everybody sang them, but Rodney did it...
In his own way, he starts going, you know, something about to dream, whatever the song is, and then he does about 10 seconds of it, and then he goes, what the fuck am I singing for?
I'm watching him, I'm going, oh my god, to you they're just a band, but he goes, I know to this band, to you they're just a band, but to me they're a bunch of fucking idiots.
And then the band has, they're taught, because they're all, you know, musicians from that city.
Obviously they're taught, you know.
So he goes, no, they'll tell you what they are.
They're not.
And then they all stand up and they go, we're fucking idiots!
Because you know when people tell stories, they'll be like, and everything was great.
I think this is addressing what you're saying.
Everything was great, and then it's just he or she or she or she, whatever the relationship is.
Somebody else goes, and they wanted to end it.
Everything was great.
Look, because what do you want them to do?
Wait, I'm not saying there's not rules and feelings and how you present it, but I think most of the time everything is great and then you realize one day you wake up and I've had it to me I must have been on the other end of this and they just don't want to be in it but they stay in it because that doesn't mean they don't not care about you so they stay in it and it gets bad you see it coming but so I always say I always let someone know, let them know you're not crazy.
They learn that by what you tell about past stories.
And I once said this to someone, it was very early on, but I said, I have a feeling.
I practiced it in my head, and I was glad I did it, and I was like 23 or 24 at the time.
I said, I have a feeling that I like you more than you like me.
And I said, it's okay.
I go, let me say this, because I don't want this to be the day where I threw you off.
If I'm wrong, I really like you.
So if I just read it wrong, that's great.
But, but, but, I don't think that's it.
I go, I won't, of course I'll be sad, but I won't hate you.
I won't be, I'll be okay.
And then he was like, you're right.
Because I said it in a way that he would be comfortable to say, you know what?
I put a little bit of choke, a little bit of like, but I was okay.
The fact that I put that preface in there, look, I need to let you know this, not to make you feel bad, but I do like you.
Because I don't want to find out 10 years later, I thought you were giving me walking papers.
So I had to be clear with my feelings, but mainly let that person know, And that way, I didn't end up in a relationship for another year where I knew the other person.
No, especially if you're hanging out with adults, right?
You know, when I was a kid, I think one of the things that took me a long time to get past was it was always thought that if you talked about your feelings and your emotions, that that was weak.
That was a weakness.
It's not something you did with your friends, and it's not something you wanted to do with a girl.
You didn't want to talk about your emotions.
You didn't want to talk about how you actually felt about things.
You wanted to play it stoic.
You wanted a Charles Bronson your way through life.
That's what a lot of guys tried to do.
One of the big problems with people Because you don't really know who you like until you're around them for a while.
You really don't.
And then sometimes you're like, ooh, I'm not into this person.
If that was true, if there's any truth to that, it's people.
There's people that are evolved, and there's people that are, you know, have a deep level head on their shoulders, because if there was any truth that one sex was crazier, there's a science to disproving that.
Then in lesbian relationships, you'd go, hey, how's your relationship?
And they'd go, well, of course we argue a teeny bit here and there, but no, no, we're both women, so we're getting along great.
No.
Well, we got rid of the problem.
And in male-male relationships, It's the same problems.
It's not like you go, oh, yeah, we don't have the crazy women, so when it's two guys dating, everything's great!
There's people that'll say things like, you know, women are all dumb bitches, or men are all shit, and that's nonsense.
These gender-based generalizations are so stupid.
There's nice people that are women, there's nice people that are men, it's just, there's plenty of them.
You can't have a few bad relationships and turn on other people.
Every person has the same gender.
And also, like, Take a good look at yourself.
There's some people out there that do generalize like that.
Look at your shit thinking that you're just diarrhea spraying out into the world.
That's really what it is.
Whether you're a sexist against women or a sexist against men.
Such a piss-poor way of looking at things.
Everybody knows you're wrong.
Everybody knows you're wrong.
You think that, I mean, whatever it is, any generalization, whether it's a racist generalization, sexist, homophobic, it's all the same.
Everybody who's listening knows what it is.
You know what it is when someone makes a generalization.
Like, no, you're not looking at it right.
You don't know nice people that are black.
You don't know any nice people that are black.
That's ridiculous.
Like, who the fuck are you?
Like, how can you make this judgment when I've met so many?
Like, you're not meeting enough people, or they meet you and they go, oh, this guy's a fucking asshole, so they avoid you, so everybody's got this thing that they're spreading about you.
Yeah, that's why younger people tend to, you know, just by being around.
I wish there was a place you could go if you couldn't afford college, because I don't think it's the education at college that you probably learn the most from.
It's the being forced to be around other people.
You go, oh, I'd rather hang out with that group that I hated because we have the same taste in music.
And you learn it because you're forced to live together.
But wouldn't it be cool if there was like, where can you go if you're like, well, I don't afford college, but I want to put my kids around all, well...
Some parents wouldn't want to do it, but kids could do it.
I just want to be around every type of person.
But you don't know to do that.
College, that's the thing about college.
And I didn't go to college.
I didn't even graduate high school.
But isn't that true that that's where a lot of growing does with young kids when they're forced to be around other people?
Some kids, they're living with really suppressive parents.
And the only way they even know who the fuck they are is if they could sleep in their own bed.
Open their own door with their own key, go into their own room, lie down, and then just be alone.
Be away from these other fucking people that are constantly giving you these rules that you have to follow and have these lofty expectations for your success.
And like, fucking Christ, you don't even know what you want to do.
And they want you to do something that's going to pay a lot of money.
We're spending a lot of money sending you to school, Todd.
And meanwhile, you just finally get a chance to listen to some music that you never heard before and hang out with some people from some part of the country you've never been.
Maybe you smoke weed with them.
You hang out, you know, you're 18, 19 years old and you're just figuring out the world together.
And every generation, every generation is more aware of how fucking stupid the previous generation was.
Like, there was some grandpappy days back on the fucking farm when they would, you know, they would talk about their grandparents and their grandparents were wiser than them, you know?
That's not the case anymore.
The people today are more informed than any human beings that have ever lived ever.
And it makes me want to be like a progressive bully.
I try to say, I called, I said that about you once, Mark Maron, not that word, but I go, I need people that are like, I think I might have said a bully, but on the right side of history, so it was a compliment.
Just people realize how fucking stupid it is because you're mocking it so relentlessly and everybody's cheering along.
And then someone who might be entertaining those thoughts is going to listen to it.
There's a guy on Sam Harris's podcast this week, Waking Up With Sam Harris.
His name is Christian Piccolini.
And he used to be a white male supremacist.
And he got recruited when he was like 14 years old and was in it for like, I think he said eight years or something like that.
And just was talking to Sam Harris about these horrific decisions that he had made in this group that he had got connected to and they were committing violent crimes against black people and like all this the crazy shit that he was talking about and then you listen to him now as this guy in his 40s is like super rational and very intelligent and well-read and And it's like saying, look, I just got caught up in this ideology.
I went down this road, and other people were doing the thinking for me, and we were all doing it for each other.
It became this horrific groupthink that he got swept up in.
I think that's happening with progressive people, too.
I think there's a this this this need to be right and to shout down each other and and Ruthlessly mock each other like that has to be used like nuclear weapons like only in in the case of like severe issues Where like you've got a country another country is about to develop a nuclear weapon They're gonna go after you first Or they've already done it and you have to disarm their nukes.
We've got to be nicer to each other when it comes to talking about these ideas, because every time someone from the left attacks relentlessly and ruthlessly and viciously someone from the right because of their ideas, you just start a back and forth.
You're not looking at it in a way like there's got to be some way to communicate your ideas in a friendly way.
Even from when I did my Netflix special to now, the way I do four jokes, I changed it because of that whole thing.
Look, Todd, do you want to take people with you?
Right, right.
Someone said, I don't want to be Tucker Carlson to the other side, so flippant and so fucking snarky.
So I go, okay, that's maybe what I am.
I don't see it when I agree with the person.
So if I see someone that's snarky but says everything, I agree.
But I go...
So I do want to sometimes bring people.
So change the way you say it.
Go in a little softer.
Remember, you're trying to bring somebody with you and bring them over.
But sometimes I want to split the difference, and I could be wrong, because sometimes I think when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and I literally have to take a break on the podcast, you know, about something, maybe that gives, and it's about a transgender issue, something I'm not going through, but I'm able to scream it so someone that's going through it goes, God damn it, Halsey's so close!
Or when I can yell about a women's issue, so, like, goddammit, scream at the top of my lungs, because they say scream about what you're not, because you can get angrier.
Maybe I give someone their dignity back.
Maybe sometimes screaming into the canyon is okay, but not to another person's face.
But it's also you have the ability, so if someone is going to attack you, maybe the only way they have the ability is to do it in a Twitter post or a blog post.
I mean, they're all people with their own opinions too, right?
Just real quick, because I have a few times, and there's even one post I want to take down, because it's a woman that's heckling me, and it turned into a sexist, words flying back and forth, and I want to take it down.
If I could post, Why I'm taking it down.
Because I think when somebody's...
Even when your fans are defending you, I like when someone corrects their fans.
Well, it's like the way people disagree about things can change.
The way they communicate their disagreement can change how it gets resolved.
But what always happens is if you go hard, they go hard back.
And I think we're dealing with that back and forth in this country.
And what I was going to say is about this march for our lives is that what I'm seeing that's very confusing to me is from people who are gun supporters, like the NRA supporters, who...
And some of them have even mocked these kids for getting attention by going to these marches and stuff like that.
And they're saying that nobody would have heard of you or nobody would know who you are.
This is a ridiculous way to look at it.
It's very defensive because they're feeling like someone's coming after their guns.
So they're going on the attack in some ways that's just really not recommended.
Like the way they're doing it.
It makes me numb.
They're mocking...
What the reason would be for these kids to be on TV that got shot at.
These kids that got shot at.
And they're fucking 16 years old?
And they're going to be on TV? And someone's mocking, no one would know who you were if it wasn't for this thing.
Like, yeah, of course.
But they went through that fucking thing.
They're the few kids that have gone through this thing in the country that are standing, On the public stage and saying look at us you got to do something you can't have the same shit happen over and over and over again and maybe they don't have the most complicated solution But they're right, and they're forcing people to talk.
And if anybody should be forcing people to talk, it's the kids that were around their friends that got shot, who realized their fucking parents are working all day, and they come home tired, and no one's going to fix nothing.
No one has the time.
And the politicians are all in bed with the NRA and all these different organizations as if they're on the left, and everybody's beholden to their special interest groups.
So these kids are seeing all this shit, and they know nothing's going to happen.
And by the way, since we were just saying how to be more peaceful, what I'm saying is when somebody, it doesn't even mean, I'm not saying don't have a conversation and don't disagree.
Of course I'm not.
Of course.
The person that wants to shake you and stop you is once you start making fun of these kids someone even that agrees with you that there shouldn't be any isn't there someone on that side they can go stop and I guess there are but when when they say you know you should learn see Rick Rick Rick what's his name Rick the guy who said if they the kids should instead of looking for someone else to solve their problems they should learn CPR Rick Santorum yeah That doesn't even
Not could he have won, but what would have happened if he got- Maybe, but the problem with Bernie is the same reason why he let those Black Lives people take his mic and start screaming into the thing like, hey buddy, can't do that.
You're running for fucking president and you're showing right here that people could just storm the stage and take the microphone from you.
Like, you should say, I would love to have a dialogue with you.
Let's do it publicly.
Let's schedule it now.
We'll come back, we'll get a large group of people, and I'll speak with you on this stage, if you represent this very important political movement.
But here's what you can't do.
You can't disrespect this campaign speech, because you're literally stopping people from ever voting for me if I let you do it.
Because that's the fact.
People watched him do that and they go, you can't let kids just take over your show.
You can't.
You're the guy who's supposed to be running the country.
You can't even run this fucking thing.
You got this one thing.
You're standing on the stage in front of 300 people.
Yeah, but the problem is then who doesn't spill out?
Everybody can spill out.
Everybody can jump up for their own cause, whether it's white power or fucking Jews' Lives Matter, whatever it is.
You can just decide that you have a group now, and your group may very well be valid, but you can just decide now you're just going to yell out whenever there's some sort of a political speech, and then it'll be your chance to talk.
You're just going to take the mic and make it all about you?
I'm sure we could pull up 50. So with that said, now I'm not saying we shouldn't doubt them, If I had a gun to my head and someone said, if we had a crystal ball, are they making the right choice about Bernie Sanders, these kids?
And I go, oh, let me ask you.
I've got to talk about that for a while.
I've got to watch a campaign.
I've got to watch a debate.
How's he going to handle public policy?
I can't just ask.
They go, we're going to shoot you in your head.
I go, kids, overwhelmingly kids like him.
Yeah, he's going to do the right thing!
And I think if there was a crystal ball, here's my theory.
But I've never said this, I think, out loud.
That maybe 50 years from now, just like we're learning about history, they would talk about him in the way that, you know, this guy came into office, picture kids, and they're telling him why, maybe...
2022 started to be these good times, and they're talking about history, and they, well, a guy came into office and he really didn't know anything about the, he didn't really know about, he was not, you know, he didn't know about war, he didn't know about, and no one thought he could really do it, but he was one thing that you wouldn't think would answer our economical problems.
You can be a nice-hearted person, but that's not going to answer your economical problems, but it ended up doing that.
Because he did truly treat everybody kind.
And it ended up that when people started to be treated fairly, the world worked better, with less depressed people.
I'm not saying everybody, but we torture people.
We had someone in power that was overwhelmingly kind, and people felt the wrath of that almost very quickly.
And then you know what?
No one ever thought this.
Then some of the economical problems worked themselves out.
See, the economy is apparently a very complicated thing that can be interpreted many ways.
Like, there are many people right now that would tell you the economy has never been better, stock markets booming.
Black people are more employed today than ever in history.
And these are like the MAGA people, right?
They'll jump on that.
And other people will tell you, no, we're sitting on a bunch of huge bubbles, a commercial real estate bubble and credit bubble and all this different shit that could go down at any moment.
There's all sorts of problems.
We're getting automated cars soon.
It's going to put thousands of people out of jobs, if not millions.
You know, it's hard to figure out who the fuck's right.
It's hard.
When you talk about a dummy like you or myself and trying to prognosticate what would make people successful and what would make people not, I don't know about the economic part, but what I do know is as long as you have a person who's kind but also firm, Like, a person who's kind, but you also, you're not worried about them if something happens with China or Russia.
Like, we live in a crazy world.
We live in a world where there's really basically three superpowers, but one motherfucker of a superpower.
And that's us.
But we're run by a guy who used to host Celebrity Apprentice.
Okay, like it's gotten super squirrely.
It's super squirrely.
And there's all these other people that are other superpowers that are going, hmm, what's going on over there?
That place don't look so fucking healthy.
That place looks a little fucked up right now.
And this is like they're expelling Russian diplomats and all this crazy shit's going down and Putin just won another election.
And we're watching this thing go down between the top three superpowers and one of them is run by a maniac.
Maybe two of them are, but one of them is run by a guy we know is a maniac, and we put him in there, and a lot of people are still going along with it, and they like it.
Not like snarky or anything, because I was trying to think, like, you know, like, there's more things you said we have in common than there's got to be some commonalities.
What would be one that you could like, because I always think like anything I can defend Trump on, even if it's stupid, I go out of my way to defend it.
One time someone, it doesn't matter what it was, there were two times, and I did.
I went, no, he didn't do anything.
But what's something positive?
About Trump or a bill they want to pass or something they want to do that you think, I'm okay with that.
I haven't seen anything that made me very excited.
I've seen more things that made me very nervous.
The offshore drilling, that makes me very nervous.
Obviously those things break sometimes.
We've had a few of them in our lifetimes.
The Alaska one, that was a big one.
I remember that it happened right when I was in high school.
Or no, right when I was starting to do stand-up.
That's what it was.
Literally right around then, the Valdez had crashed.
And leaked all that oil and just destroyed this delicate ecosystem with Fuck millions of gallons of oil or whatever it was.
How many thousands of gallons or whatever the fuck it was.
But they're going to have more offshore drilling.
That scares the shit out of me.
They're getting rid of certain public parks and shrinking them and opening up These areas for drilling and natural resources that make people very nervous that in doing this they could be damaging rivers and that these delicate ecosystems where people go and hike and camp through and they're going to close these down.
That's the real concern.
The real concern is that people are going to Somehow or another, we're going to suffer so that some companies can profit incredibly off of natural resources that are on public land.
That's a big fear, because that's some shit that is really unusual about this country, and some shit that Teddy Roosevelt saw way, way in advance.
He saw the benefit of doing this, of having these massive national parks.
It's like, you know, you take what they got, and, you know, you just hang with the people, you be like the locals, you know, meet some cool people, hang out with them.
That's the reality.
The guy was just, you know, feeling his travel oats and really got into it.
And now it's like a, it's not just recreation, you know.
It's a recreation, but it's also like a life perspective altering burst that you give yourself, you know.
You go to Pakistan, you're wandering through the streets of Karachi in Pakistan.
You know, what is that thing that people do where they hire someone to play acoustic guitar and sing songs in a restaurant, and they walk over to a table?
Even though I was interrupting the conversation, I just...
I get it.
So I'm pretty polite, and I... And try to enjoy it, and it's usually pretty short, but yeah, I'm always wishing, yeah, we're just into this intense conversation.
He was working on some sort of a door deal, and he thought there was more people in the room than the club owner told him, so he had the audience individually count out a number.
But they develop this animosity between each other.
The club owners don't want to book you.
You get mad at the club owners.
Then when you make it, you're like, fuck that guy.
I want more money.
Tell him, fuck him.
You know, and there's this weird thing that happens.
Like, they knew you when you sucked.
And then, you know, like, as you're coming up, They don't want to pay you more, and you're like, but I make more now, I'm a headliner, and you get into this weird sort of thing with each other.
I think that that poisons the well for a lot of comedian-club owner relationships.
But we need them so bad.
You and I are not opening up a comedy club.
This is not going to happen.
We need the improv.
We need these clubs.
You need the Ha Ha in North Hollywood.
We need them.
We all have to work together.
We should all figure out a way to be nice to each other.
That's why I try, and not only do I try, I do it, too.
As much as I complain about when they do it wrong, I always spend twice as much time giving clubs a do-it-great shout-outs and throwing love their way.
It's really, if they were in therapy, you both got some things you can fix.
And as long as, because it is true, it's like, I'm not unaware of what you're saying, because it's just comedians for every club owner that maybe rips somebody off, which of course they exist.
There's also that comedian that thinks everybody's ripping them off and nobody is.
When you're not getting booked, it's real easy to develop that sort of animosity between you and a club.
If you can't work and you think that other guys are not as good as you and they're getting work, and you get frustrated and you're young and dumb already, you can have that sort of weird Complicated relationship.
It's just one of those weird things.
Club owners and artists have always, there's always been disputes, right?
Way back into the day where they, that dude jumped off the fucking roof of the hotel next to the comedy store.
I don't remember the name of it, but it was a bar in the front, and you'd go past the bar to this back room, and it was like all people that I had never seen do stand-up.
I'd never seen them at the store, never saw them at the Laugh Factory, never saw them at the improv.
It seemed like they had either just started, or they were crazy.
Maybe it was the night that I was there, but I was like, this place is nuts.
He's got to be more specific with his social media marketing.
Come on!
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
But what makes a scene is a club owner.
Like Wendy.
Wendy from the Comedy Works in Denver.
She makes the scene.
That's the club owner.
She's the one who puts her finances at risk.
She's the one who manages it.
She runs two clubs.
And in those two clubs that she ran...
She runs currently.
She created the Denver scene.
Mitzi created the LA scene at the store.
Mitzi's guidance, her what she tolerated, what she enforced, and what she preferred, and who she gave enthusiasm to, she shaped so many comics, man.
You know, so there's a few of those club owners that are like super super special like really really important people They just they create an environment where shit pops out of I know I say it's the closest thing like Presenting knowing how to present something especially when it's comedy.
But that's not even your fault with a lot of people.
A lot of people, it's like they don't Probably realize what they're doing.
They're doing it and they think they're right, but they're just looking at it from their own personal, selfish perspective because they're excited about what they're saying and because they're engaged in a contest.
It's not just that they're talking about stuff.
They're engaged in a contest they're trying to win.
That's where the diarrhea comes out.
They're just throwing it at you and getting in your face.
It's like, ugh.
This is a contest and they'll suck you in.
Suck you into it.
See, that's what I think one of the big things is wrong with people today, and it's been wrong of me in the past.
You get into these conflicts for no fucking reason.
It's not worth it.
There's no fun in that.
It's stupid.
If you want to get in conflicts, you should be doing difficult shit with your life.
There's a lot of different difficult things to do.
Don't, like, get in arguments with people over nonsense.
I've seen it, a civil person that probably is about to sit down at a restaurant, and probably a relatively nice guy, but that's, if you're 40 years old, or 20, or whatever age, the younger, the more understandable.
But when you see, let's go with a 40-year-old, putting his finger out the window, Fuck!
I go, who are you?
Where are you going?
How can you be at most value to your children's lives if that's the way you express yourself?
Don't tell me, oh, I'll do that, but I'm a good...
Like, if ten is, like, full awareness, you're at, like, six or seven, where in normal life you're at one.
Like, you're already, like, kind of wrapped up, because everything's moving fast around you, and trying to stay calm, and someone's doing something, or trying to get in your lane, all you fucking piece of shit!
That's why when you're late, you know, when you're late for something, even me, and I'm a pretty civil person, and I try to stop it, but if I'm super late and nervous, I will say to the person doing the most mundane thing, what the fuck are you doing?!
At least I was thinking, at least I'm driving this big ass truck.
If he slams into me, he's going to get fucked up.
Yeah, that's huge.
Nobody thinks to is ever ready for like to be called out because he knows why it's so stupid He thought I'd be scared of him because he's got tattoos everywhere.
Meanwhile, as soon as he took his shirt off, I was convinced I could fuck him up.
I was like, this dude doesn't work out.
There's no way he knows anything.
There's no way.
I mean, he was just like a guy, you know?
He wasn't like a scary guy, but he had tattoos everywhere, like all over his neck and shit.
And they weren't even good.
I like tattoos.
It was just such a stupid thing.
But I mean, I bet if I knew that guy in real life, and we were just together in a fucking office building, and he worked in one office and I worked in another, I'd be like, what's up, man?
What's going on?
Everything cool?
We've been friendly as shit.
It's just this weird thing when you're on the highway and everybody's ramped up.
Everybody's nervous.
You don't even realize you're nervous, even if you're calm and you're good.
That's why when I go to my house to Silver Lake, some people want to get on the highway, and I go, I don't want to get on the highway.
First of all, it always ends up being about the same time, but even if it's five minutes longer, on surface streets, On a highway, I feel like I'm getting too out there in this highway world.
I just want to go somewhere where I'm not on the highway.
Do you know what I mean?
Because on the side road, I can handle it.
But on the highway, I just get stressed out a little more.
So I'm like, if it's 10 minutes longer, I don't care.
You know, when you go into Hollywood, it's like, it's more chill.
It's kind of cool.
Get that cool drive down, that winding road down.
That winding road down is excellent, man.
It reminds you you're in LA. Yeah, and I always think of, like, these bad motherfuckers that live right there on the road.
Like, who do you have to be to be so confident in people that you buy a house right there on Laurel Canyon, around one of those corners, where someone can easily miscalculate and slam right into your car and slam into your house?
You know those streets?
Like, Laurel in particular is like...
There's a lot of, like, jockeying for positioning on Laurel.
I saw a guy the other day take a chance move and dump into the left lane to oncoming traffic to pass a guy on Laurel.
And I was like, whoa.
That is a...
Like, you're committing to being a cocksucker.
Like, you're going down this...
There's no way you know if someone's coming.
You don't have enough time.
And if they're coming up the hill, like, you're coming down the hill, the same kind of assholishness, we got a real problem here.
I always think that, like, on the highway, when there's an apartment building so close to the highway, that you could forget something and go, honey, I'm pulling around on the overpass, come over to the window and throw me my shoes.
Whenever I look at a science fiction movie about the future, like District 9...
Remember District 9?
Great fucking movie, man.
But one of the things about these super uber-congested cities...
You look at them and you go, okay, is that coming?
Is that going to be everywhere?
Are we going to be really living in this sort of weird, dystopian future?
I mean, New York City is in the perfect spot, right?
Because it's not quite dystopian, but it's definitely exceptional.
Like, those views that you get...
Like, a buddy of mine had an apartment in Brooklyn on the water, facing the city, which I think is even...
I don't know if it's better than being in the city, but it's pretty fucking stunning.
And I just was in his living room going, holy shit, man, this is crazy.
Like, this view is crazy.
It's beautiful.
Like, stunning.
But if that keeps going, right, then it becomes this monolithic, huge favela, like, you know, some crazy, like, completely stuffed with people, and chickens and dogs running around, and, I mean, like, all these future dystopia movies, they're all, everything's all, it's not like everything's amazing in the future.
We have these huge, super-populated cities and everything's perfect.
No!
It's all, like, way more crime, way more craziness.
They don't make power companies because they're altruistic, beautiful people who want everybody to watch TV. They do because they want that cash, baby!
That's why they're going to drill holes right next to the river.
Come on, that's why all the good stuff is.
Fuck the salmon!
They're just going to get in there and just start drilling.
They don't give a fuck, man.
People who just want money don't give a fuck.
This is what's the problem with guys like Trump.
This is what the problem with the guys like he brings in.
The number one thing is not making money.
The number one thing is sustainability.
That's the number one thing.
Living off the earth.
That's the number one thing.
Can we live off this earth?
Okay, good.
Number two thing, we gotta be safe.
Okay, how can we be safe?
Well, first of all, we need to be able to talk.
So freedom of speech is hugely fucking important when it comes to being safe.
You need to be able to say things without fear of repercussion.
You need to be able to communicate 100% honestly amongst each other so we can figure out how you really feel.
Tell me how you really feel about this, then I can understand you.
I don't really understand you yet because you're hiding how you really feel about life, parts of life.
That's where freedom of speech is so goddamn important.
Dude, I took two whole days, yesterday and the day before, where I ate bullshit.
Yesterday, I ate egg rolls.
The day before, I had a big bowl of pasta, and I had a cupcake.
I just decided, fuck it.
It's Sunday, or Monday, or whatever it was.
Sunday and Monday.
Let's just have some fun.
So for two days, I just ate whatever the fuck I wanted.
I just decided, I want to do that.
I had the worst farts of my career.
I mean, of my career of farting.
These were the bombs to end all bombs.
My body's just not designed to do that anymore.
It just doesn't want to do that anymore because I've been eating so clean so regularly that just a couple of days of pasta and bullshit and egg rolls and my body was like, fuck you.
Well, no, that's just because my only thing I can do to say, okay, while I have this shitty diet, I can at least say to my body, like I think of myself as my body going, thank you for giving us some good stuff.
We wish you wouldn't eat that other shit, but thanks for something.
When you do do that stuff and juice, one of the things that they say, we should probably look this up right now because I'm obviously not a nutrition expert, but I'm pretty sure they say that vitamins are absorbed better when you have them with some healthy fat.
So I think they recommend coconut oil.
If you have some coconut oil with vegetables, when you drink vegetable juice, it actually can enhance the absorption of some of the vitamins.
If you took that McGriddle, I say this with a lot of foods.
I'm just using this as an example because you just said that actual item.
But I say this with a lot of things.
Take that McGriddle, put it on a chopping block at a French restaurant, and then all you do is put that McGriddle on the chopping block, and then maybe put some syrup all over it, deliver it to a table.
No one's going to go, it's good, but it's not like it's food.
Steak tartare was horse meat dish that originated from the horse-eating Mongols of Central Asia, who swept across the East and Central Europe 800 years ago.
The most common tales of the tartar...
The tater...
How would you say that?
Tater...
Totter?
T-A-T-A-R? Horsemen would put a slice of horse meat beneath their saddle in the morning and retrieve it, tenderized by the pounding, to eat raw for dinner.
They supposedly left their raw meat-eating habit behind, and according to one version of the story, it was carried by the German sailors to Hamburg, where the taste for ground beef began, begat both hamburgers and steak tartare.
Yeah, well, I mean, with the same restaurant I was describing that I worked at before was a Mongolian barbecue grill where we'd cook with swords, literal metal swords on a flat top when it was supposed to be representing the shields that the Mongols would cook on back in the eight hunt, whatever.
And they were just shredding meat.
That's the only way you could do it.
So they were shredding beef.
I don't know if it's ground, but like definitely shredded.
What about the story that Chris Ryan told about the guy who made a knife out of shit and it was a frozen shit knife to kill one of his dogs because he was like a sled dogger and he was starving to death.
The last time I wanted, two times, and I don't tell any stories like, you know, oh, this person, no, no, this is two things I think, and I think I would have learned my lesson because my book I wanted to call, I wanted to call my book All I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl with a terminal disease.
And then other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut.
I would add that as a subtitle, even though I hated the word closet.
That's how I tried to sell it to him, because I hate closet and anything to do with any words, you know, of that, of this, and out.
So I go, okay, if I can call it, all I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl.
The first title was with cancer.
All I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl with cancer.
And other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut.
Because there's a story in there about me, literally, me and my friend, you know.
So it does make sense, and it's not mean, it's not insulting cancer.
I think that still should have been the title of the book.
Be able to look at things and not think that you are those ideas.
You're a person.
You're not those ideas.
Just because you thought of it and you subscribed to it and you believed in it at one point in time, don't let it define you.
It's just an idea.
And if it's wrong...
Be honest about it and say, this is why I thought it was real.
And people will respect that, because they'll know that when you're talking, you're saying what's really on your mind, whether you're right or whether you're wrong.
You might be incorrect, but if you are incorrect, you're going to let them know you're incorrect.