Nov. 29, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:57:49
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Boom! | ||
| And we're live. | ||
| Owen, you going to Australia? | ||
| Are you moving there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah! | |
| I've never been, D. I've never been. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| That's what they say, man. | ||
| A lot of Australians come to the store, and when I perform at the cellar, a lot of Australians. | ||
| They fly over here to see comedy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They take comedy vacations. | ||
| It's super common. | ||
| You ever see a hot dog spot, and this is world-famous hot dog? | ||
| I feel like when I talk to an Australian, I can say I'm world-famous, but I've never been over there. | ||
| Well, I think a lot of them come over here just like, oh, fuck it, mate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go to Australia and, you know, fucking fly over to Los Angeles and see what it's like over there. | |
| They've got more people in their state than we have in our entire country. | ||
| There's more people in the greater LA area than in all of Australia. | ||
| The entirety. | ||
| What's that feel like? | ||
| You know, and they're as big as the United States. | ||
| Yeah, it's huge. | ||
| Yeah, it's huge. | ||
| So it's the size of the contiguous United States, I think the lower 48, I don't think it's Alaska included, but it has less people than Los Angeles. | ||
| I learned that lower 48 term when I was in Alaska. | ||
| I didn't even know that. | ||
| Yeah, they barely are American. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| You look at it, you're like, what? | ||
| How is this up here? | ||
| This is America too? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, huh? | ||
| How'd y'all get in? | ||
| Lower 48. Yeah, I used to have a joke about Sarah Palin. | ||
| I'm like, that's a frozen Puerto Rico. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That is so not America. | ||
| That's barely America. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Those people are cool as fuck, though. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Everything was rustic. | ||
| That was the new word for, like, it was a booger on my spoon, man. | ||
| It was rustic. | ||
| I was in Fairbanks. | ||
| I became a nerd, too. | ||
| I saw, like, the Aurora Borealis. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| I saw a moose up close and... | ||
| Whales, like, breaching, you know, in Resurrection Bay, I think is where I went. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I went in April, so it wasn't too cold, but it was still cold as shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird up there because the people are just, they're so accustomed to, like, the trials and tribulations of nature. | ||
| They feel like they're hardier folk. | ||
| Oh, yeah, definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Definitely. | ||
| They're not consumed with, like, the stuff that we are bothered with. | ||
| And everybody Everybody has a plane. | ||
| Like every other person had a plane in their backyard. | ||
| A bush plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is kinda cool. | ||
| Dude, this place is going crazy. | ||
| We lost Garrison Keillor and Matt Lauer today. | ||
| Both of them went down! | ||
| That's what they get. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Garrison Keillor. | ||
| Garrison Keillor. | ||
| Look, man, them low-talking dudes. | ||
| Those slow-talking. | ||
| Welcome to Lake Mobegon. | ||
| Those are the guys you gotta watch out for. | ||
| Yeah, the whispery dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
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Here we are live. | |
| Public Broadcast Radio could use your donations. | ||
| We love bringing you quality content, but it comes at a price. | ||
| Yeah, the first guy to go down was that John Gomeschi guy. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Is that the NBR president? | ||
|
unidentified
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He was the guy from Canada. | |
| The CBC guy that was choking bitches. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Who was the Montreal... | ||
| That's the dude! | ||
| That's the Montreal dude? | ||
| He was like, Mr. Calm and quiet and progressive and I'm a feminist. | ||
| I don't trust it. | ||
| I call myself a feminist. | ||
| Ladies, listen. | ||
| You cannot trust. | ||
| I'm not the best human being in the world, but I swear to God, what you see is what you get. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Alright? | ||
| You gotta be careful with these fucking male feminists. | ||
| That is just... | ||
| That is a sneaky ploy to get pussy. | ||
| What was that one... | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| Was it Eric Weinstein that was telling us about a particular type of cuttlefish that pretends to be a female so that he can get in close with the males because the males don't recognize him as being a threat. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Sneaker male? | ||
| Like a sneaker male? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, and he can operate like underneath the large cuttlefish and with all the females and he bangs them on the sneak tip. | ||
| That's the dude that's like, I understand you. | ||
| Yeah, is that it? | ||
| Sneaker male cuttlefish of Thailand. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Yeah, so it literally is like a transgender cuttlefish. | ||
| It pretends to be a woman. | ||
| But really, it's just trying to get some pussy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And its strategy is not to be the big, you know, ever-present, dominant male, but instead just slip around, just like the girls. | ||
| That's like the one straight dude in a ballet joint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's like, the women complain to me about all the other guys, and then I end up smashing them all. | ||
| Or like the one straight dude in a... | ||
| Church choir. | ||
| Yeah, you know when you see those guys who they really are? | ||
| When one of the ballerinas boyfriends show up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the straight dude's bitchy to them. | ||
| Like, oh, look at you. | ||
| Trying to fuck my girl. | ||
| You've been trying, though. | ||
| You've got this whole thing cultivated. | ||
| You're watering it all. | ||
| You're putting fertilizer. | ||
| You're setting it all up. | ||
| You got your moves. | ||
| You got your calendar. | ||
| You got your fake books. | ||
| You're pretending to read that you leave out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| All the shit that we do. | ||
| All the shit that guys do. | ||
| Everybody has a move. | ||
| What was Garrison Keillor's? | ||
| He was probably the, you know, just the intellect, man. | ||
| He was a professor. | ||
| He was the professorial crush, right? | ||
| Lake Bobegon, he created this whole world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Blue Talking Dude made money in Minnesota. | ||
| It was Prince and this dude. | ||
| And Garrison Keillor, yeah. | ||
| So, man, look at that dude. | ||
| That dude was slinging dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| I wonder what is the accusations? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Here's the thing though, man. | ||
| All a chick has to do is hate you. | ||
| That's what's scary. | ||
| Yeah, and then you're guilty. | ||
| Yeah, the bucket is so wide. | ||
| It's the Weinstein of it all, and then it's, I don't know, Matt Lauer of it all. | ||
| I don't know what Matt did. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what he did either. | ||
| But then there's the Louis C.K. angle, where he doesn't even touch you. | ||
| He just jerks off in front of you like, hmm. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Like my boys say though, he's like, you don't know what it's like to have a dick. | ||
| Because you think about it, who would put everything in peril to just jerk off in front of somebody? | ||
| You know this is going to come back on you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So it has to be something with your dick that makes you go, I have to do this. | ||
| I've been saying this for a while. | ||
| I think it's one of the things that makes people funny, too, is that ridiculous way of viewing the world. | ||
| You're just chaotic, impulsive, and you do nutty shit. | ||
| And the next thing you know, you're like, can I jerk off in front of you? | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You push the limits. | ||
| Let me see how ridiculous I can be. | ||
| Yeah, you want to see where people's lines are. | ||
| And it probably worked. | ||
| It might have worked for somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That whipping out, like the whipping your dick out thing, like I know dudes that people tried to get me to do that in college. | ||
| They were like, yo, you should just pull your dick out. | ||
| I'm like, that works? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, I never had the courage to just pull my dick out in front of a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
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It doesn't work all the time. | |
| But when it does work, you're like, holy shit, I gotta figure out what the rhythm is here. | ||
| Right, right, what's the beats? | ||
| What are the beats? | ||
| Is it a movie first? | ||
| Because there's some times where it can work, and you're like, what? | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| But then other times where you'd pull your dick out and the girl would be like, what the fuck? | ||
| And you're like, I'm sorry! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
|
unidentified
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What did I do? | |
| Jesus! | ||
| You can't bat baseball averages with your Nick pullout game. | ||
| Not only that, it's a low average too. | ||
| It's a low average. | ||
| It's a low average. | ||
| But if you get crazy and hit that one out of a hundred, it was worth it! | ||
| It was worth it until today, man. | ||
| All those 99 are coming out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And if you have like a freak girlfriend, like when you're in high school or something like that, and it just ruins your perception. | ||
|
unidentified
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It ruins you. | |
| You know what else fucks a lot of dudes up? | ||
| The strip club. | ||
| They hang out there, so they have this false reality of what... | ||
| You know, a woman is. | ||
| So then when they go out and just try to talk to a regular woman, they're like, well, you gotta get to know me first. | ||
| They're like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
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They don't even know how to. | |
| There's a little bit of that, but there's also you just getting used to dealing with freaks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're dealing with freaks all the time. | ||
| They have a different parameter. | ||
| It's not like the lady in the office that handles accounting. | ||
| You can't pull your dick out on her. | ||
| No. | ||
| But that is nice when you meet a woman who has agency over her body and knows what she likes. | ||
| That could fuck you up when you go and you're dealing with somebody that's not that free. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| Where girls just, they're not, free's the right word, right? | ||
| They're not just relaxed enough or comfortable enough in their own skin or know what they like and just can tell you and you're like, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's when you have to decide if you really like her because if you do like... | ||
| Focus on her and bring that out of her and you don't like her, it's going to be hard to get out of there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| Yeah, I dated a girl once a long time ago. | ||
| Way back in the day, I was in my 20s. | ||
| And I loved having sex with her, but I hated hanging out with her. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| How'd you try to ghost her? | ||
| She got mad at me. | ||
| That's what they always did. | ||
| They always wound up getting mad at me. | ||
| They just get mad at you. | ||
| You're not doing what they want you to do. | ||
| You're not marrying them. | ||
| You're not this. | ||
| You're not that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not... | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| But isn't that crazy? | ||
| Don't think about that. | ||
| You got what you wanted, and then you had to sit through that moment of her being upset with you. | ||
| You knew it was coming, but you already got what you wanted. | ||
| You see what I'm saying? | ||
| Well, part of her behavior was like a game to try to get me in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like part of her freak shit was just like, she knew that that's what I wanted from her. | ||
| You know, so she would just act like the freakiest. | ||
| Like, I'll suck your dick right now. | ||
| You want me to? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, we're in the movie theater. | ||
| I'll suck your dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're like, I didn't know what was on the menu, but I'll take it. | ||
| And then when you go, all right, I'm good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| How could you? | ||
| I sucked your dick in that theater. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like some part of like that behavior is like they know that other girls don't behave like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| So if they just turn this shit up to nine, like, whoa. | ||
| It's dope. | ||
| And then you think about them all the time and then it gets exciting. | ||
| Then after she's mad at you, then that's when I would date her. | ||
| No dick sucks in the movie. | ||
| Angry. | ||
|
unidentified
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Angry. | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| She don't even like movies. | ||
| I don't like movies. | ||
| How come you don't like... | ||
| Who doesn't like movies? | ||
| Yeah, a friend of mine was talking to me about this, about a girl that has been real open about all the different guys she fucked, and now she's going to settle down, but... | ||
| I was promiscuous in the past, and I'm not doing that anymore. | ||
| And the guy's like, what? | ||
| When a guy hears that, you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| I missed it? | ||
| I missed the Borealis? | ||
| It's the worst, yes. | ||
| I could have been here in April. | ||
| I would have saw the lights in the sky. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, I hate born-again virgins, man. | ||
| I get it, though. | ||
| I ain't doing it no more until I get married. | ||
| It's like, you got two kids. | ||
| You used to fuck. | ||
| It's my turn. | ||
| It's my turn. | ||
| You know what I had to do to get in this seat? | ||
| But you gotta just let people be who they are, man. | ||
| When you see that, the thing is, like, this is what men do and also what women do. | ||
| We try to change the person. | ||
| We're like, oh, this dude doesn't dress good, but if I just get him the right clothes and just teach him how to groom his hair and, you know, get him to wear more stylish things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they'll just start to change you. | ||
| Then you start looking better. | ||
| Confidence gets up. | ||
| You're like, why am I with you? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I want to get with her now. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine who would get girls and get them to go on a diet. | ||
| He would date cute girls that were like a little chubby. | ||
| And then he would take them to the gym. | ||
| Added value. | ||
| And I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| Added value. | ||
| He's like, no, this way, like, they really like you. | ||
| You get them and then you can make them hot. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| That's a lot of work, man. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
| I mean, it might work, but it's like the whip the dick out thing. | ||
| One out of a hundred, it's going to work. | ||
| One out of a hundred, yeah. | ||
| The other girl's going to be hiding candy. | ||
| Like, how come you're not losing any weight? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I'm doing everything you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're doing it wrong. | |
| Right. | ||
| Or the dude. | ||
| You know, a girl takes a chubby dude and brings him to the gym all the time. | ||
| You can't make... | ||
| A chubby dude, like a fitness freak. | ||
| No. | ||
| People are who they are. | ||
| They are who they are. | ||
| They are who they are, man. | ||
| But I'm trying to lose some weight. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I'm trying intermittent fasting. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| You mess with that? | ||
| Yeah, I do that every night. | ||
| Oh, word? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, except on vacation. | ||
| I gained five pounds. | ||
| Even though I worked out every day on vacation, I worked out every day. | ||
| But I drank and ate everything. | ||
| And I gained five pounds in a week. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How many hours do you go? | ||
| What are you? | ||
| 18? | ||
| 12? | ||
| 14. That's probably what I'm doing, I think. | ||
| Yeah, I do 10 p.m. | ||
| at night. | ||
| I'll do 10 p.m. | ||
| at night. | ||
| Or 8 p.m. | ||
| at night, rather, and then 10 a.m. | ||
| in the morning. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| So it's not bad. | ||
| So I'm done eating. | ||
| No more food after 8 p.m. | ||
| at night. | ||
| And then 10 a.m. | ||
| in the morning, I'm going to start eating. | ||
| Oh, that's dope. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| It's like that feeling when you come home from the store, though, and you're like, damn, I'd like to eat something. | ||
| But you just got to pass that up. | ||
| You know what else I gotta pass up? | ||
| Having something to drink at night, like a glass of water or something like that, because it's always like 4 in the morning and I don't piss. | ||
| I'm like, God damn it. | ||
| You're not getting that good sleep. | ||
| You get up, you gotta piss, you go back to bed again. | ||
| But a couple nights I've been fucking good and disciplined, where after a certain time, no liquids, and I sleep like a baby all through the night. | ||
| You wake up and you feel like you did something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Another thing I do now is I work out in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I've been doing. | ||
| I work out in the morning before I eat. | ||
| I think I figured it out, Joe. | ||
| I think I figured out how I'm going to do it. | ||
| How are you going to do it? | ||
| I try to burn. | ||
| I started wearing a heart rate monitor finally. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And I try to burn a thousand calories in my workout. | ||
| That's what I try to get to. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| But if I can get to the 1,000, then if I eat 1,800 calories that whole day, then that 800 is... | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's what I'm trying. | ||
| I'm on day three. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Day three? | |
| Do you follow a specific type of diet? | ||
| Are you eating specific foods? | ||
| Well, I mean, I try to be more on a plant-based tip, but I'm not a vegan because I wear leather and all that stuff. | ||
| I think vegan is like... | ||
| I love what it represents, but I think their marketing, that's not the best word. | ||
| People are running from that term. | ||
| Well, people are running from cunts. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are vegan that are just cunts. | ||
| I had C.T. Fletcher on yesterday, and you know who he is? | ||
| The famous power lifter, very motivational guy. | ||
| Oh, the black dude, right? | ||
| But he was saying that he doesn't even say he's vegan anymore because people are so goddamn militant. | ||
| He's like, I'm not doing this for the animals. | ||
| I'm doing this shit for my health. | ||
| But if you say that, people got mad at him. | ||
| So he's like, I just say I eat vegan most of the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Most of the time. | ||
| Yeah, same. | ||
| That's what he says. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But the vegans that are good people that are just doing it because they care and they're kind, they get a bum rap because of all the psychos. | ||
| And those psychos almost always have like vegan in their name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like vegan warrior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vegan earth goddess. | ||
| Yeah, if it's vegan first. | ||
| But you know what's funny? | ||
| If vegan is last, they tend to be cooler. | ||
| Like this thing. | ||
| I'm this person and then vegan. | ||
| My man EpiVegan, he loves your show. | ||
| EpiVegan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
EpiVegan. | |
| I'm going to do a segment when he comes to town. | ||
| I like that cat. | ||
| He's cool. | ||
| I like a lot of vegans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mock them like I mock myself. | ||
| I mock myself. | ||
| How the fuck am I not going to mock you? | ||
| My wife isn't vegan. | ||
| But she'll eat stuff that I make. | ||
| Sometimes she'll placate me. | ||
| I took a huge loss on Thanksgiving though. | ||
| I made two pies. | ||
| I like to cook and stuff. | ||
| So I made two sweet potato pies. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ooh, I love sweet potato pies. | |
| Yeah, one with milk and butter and all the stuff that you had growing up. | ||
| Boom, and I did that. | ||
| And then I made one vegan one just to see what people would like. | ||
| And man, it was just one slice taken out of the vegan pie. | ||
| One sad slice. | ||
| And everybody was like, man, come on. | ||
| But they tore the other pie up. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Butter and eggs and sugar. | ||
| I had to wrap it up and take it back home with me. | ||
| It's still in the fridge. | ||
| What's in the vegan one? | ||
| So instead of eggs, you make flaxseed eggs. | ||
| So your pie got freckles in it. | ||
| I don't want no freckles in my goddamn pie. | ||
| But then it's everything else. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| And instead of using half and half, you use like, it'll be like almond milk mixed with like coconut. | ||
| Milk. | ||
| That's alright. | ||
| And then you do... | ||
| But all sugar, flour, all that's the same. | ||
| No eggs. | ||
| No eggs. | ||
| But eggs, you can't taste eggs when you eat them. | ||
| Eggs is a binding agent. | ||
| It just holds it together. | ||
| When I was in Hawaii last week, we made gnocchi. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| We took a class. | ||
| It's potato pasta. | ||
| They were talking about that at the store. | ||
| I've never had that. | ||
| Ooh, it's delicious. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| Who makes good gnocchi, though? | ||
| Because... | ||
| Everyone's eye contact. | ||
| I was like, who makes good gnocchi? | ||
| They're like, man, you out here. | ||
| I want to taste it. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's an Italian food. | ||
| You just got to go to a good Italian restaurant. | ||
| And they make good gnocchi? | ||
| Yeah, just find a good Italian place that has pasta. | ||
| They'll have gnocchi, most likely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's not spelled N-O-K-I. It's a G. There's a G in front of it. | ||
| I've always... | ||
| When you open a menu and, you know, I was like, you know, I'm fucking with that. | ||
| I wouldn't even... | ||
| It's too risky. | ||
| If they have, like, lamb chops and gnocchi, like, those gnocchi, like, suck. | ||
| And then my meal is trashed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's probably been sitting there my whole life going to fancy Italian restaurants and just never... | ||
| It's an interesting pasta, because it's a pasta made with, like, they make it with potatoes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They boil potatoes, and they smash them down, and then they get it to a certain consistency, they cool it off, and then they add a certain amount of flour. | ||
| Like, we did the whole thing. | ||
| We chopped it up, we pressed it into, you roll it, you roll the flour out into like a little tube, and then you cut little sections of it, you make your gnocchi with the sections. | ||
| And do you have to then, do you bake that, or do you? | ||
| Yeah, they boil it. | ||
| They boil it? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I didn't watch them do it. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they boil it, though. | ||
| Make a little sauce and then bread sauce. | ||
| We had a bunch of different sauces. | ||
| The chef cooked it with three different sauces. | ||
| He cooked it with a bolognese sauce. | ||
| He cooked it with a... | ||
| It was like a cheese sauce with walnuts. | ||
| Like a walnut. | ||
| I forget what kind of cheese. | ||
| And then there was another one. | ||
| One other sauce. | ||
| A pesto. | ||
| I make fresh pesto. | ||
| Yeah, it was good, man. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I think if you just cut out bread and cut out pasta, those are the two big ones. | ||
| Just cut that shit out of your diet. | ||
| You just sold me on gnocchi pasta, though. | ||
| Yeah, but that's potato pasta. | ||
| So that's different. | ||
| Different, yeah. | ||
| It's not as good for you as like some things, but I don't think it's nearly as bad for you as grain. | ||
| I think grain is just terrible. | ||
| Man, have you gotten through... | ||
| I haven't gotten through that dude's book. | ||
| Wheat Belly? | ||
| Yeah, Wheat Belly. | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| But I watched a documentary on the plane. | ||
| Coming back from Hawaii about wheat. | ||
| Let me see what the name of it is. | ||
| But it was a trip. | ||
| And it was all talking about the Roundup chemicals that they spray. | ||
| Ah, there it is. | ||
| And they were talking about how people say, well, it only affects bacteria. | ||
| And they were saying, yeah, but you have bacteria in your fucking gut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, what's with wheat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the name of the documentary. | ||
| And it's not good. | ||
| I tried watching it. | ||
| That dude was talking. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I was... | ||
| All right, man. | ||
| I was falling asleep. | ||
| Droning on. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's the problem with all those academics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, to be the type of person that can sit down and do that kind of research. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Painstaking, time-consuming research. | ||
| You're boring as fuck. | ||
| You're not interesting. | ||
| But you need those people, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| Those people are the only ones that are going to do it. | ||
| You're not going to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going to do it. | |
| I know. | ||
| You need those people doing tests and then just explaining to you the dangers of complex glutens in the group. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| So yeah, that's my goal. | ||
| So I'll check back in with you in like six weeks, see if I'm where I need to be. | ||
| Three days in, feeling strong though, right? | ||
| I'm talking about it publicly. | ||
| I'm usually really private about what I'm doing. | ||
| I think talking about it publicly is important. | ||
| Hey man, once you get over 40, I feel like you can eat whatever you want until you're 40. Because you only get one intestine. | ||
| So then you have to start Your body loses enzymes that will break it down as vigorously. | ||
| Because I have a son now, and I watch my son. | ||
| My son can eat anything. | ||
| And his energy is high, you know, and all of that. | ||
| But when you get older, you lose some of those enzymes. | ||
| I feel like enzymes are like government workers. | ||
| Like, you eat a steak, they're like, who gonna get that? | ||
| I've been getting that shit for 40 years. | ||
| Somebody else is going to get that? | ||
| And so then it sits and it sits. | ||
| Plus your son's growing. | ||
| My son's growing. | ||
| A little furnace for calories. | ||
| Just burning them off. | ||
| So dope. | ||
| He's starting to speak sign language now. | ||
| Like just little things. | ||
| You know, he knows more. | ||
| We give him some food and we taught him more. | ||
| And he just looked at us like we were silly. | ||
| And then like a couple hours later he's like... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Bring it. | ||
| You told me this way. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| Well, in the beginning, they say sign language is a really good thing to teach kids because they can't really formulate the words yet. | ||
| That's why they get frustrated and they start crying because they can't tell you what they want, but they know what they want. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| They don't know a language yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| And he's a huge Prince fan. | ||
| I love playing records. | ||
| And so my wife got me a dope record player for Christmas and We play Prince's Purple Rain on there. | ||
| If I play anything else, he just wants Prince right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And I'll go, you want to hear some music with dinner? | ||
| And he'll run to the record player and he'll start trying to... | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's 14 months. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, and so he understands things. | ||
| I'll be like, get the ball, and he'll get it, and then we'll play, but... | ||
| I could see him wanting to say it. | ||
| Occasionally he'll sit and just start mocking me. | ||
| Like, I'll say, get the boy. | ||
| He'll be like, bah. | ||
| Like, I could see him trying to just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck with you? | |
| Yeah, fuck with me. | ||
| LAUGHTER I literally just start saying, trying to say what I just said in the same rhythm. | ||
| Wait till he starts talking to you. | ||
| That's when it gets real weird. | ||
| Man, I can't wait, man. | ||
| I have little conversations with my kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just while I'm talking to them, I'm talking to them about what we're talking about. | ||
| But most of my brain is like, I can't believe you can talk! | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I can't believe you're a person. | ||
| And you're a seven-year-old person. | ||
| We're exploring the world together. | ||
| We're talking about stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My kids are way too aggressive with me physically, though. | ||
| Especially my littlest one. | ||
| All girls, man. | ||
| My seven-year-old, she fucking tackles me all the time. | ||
| Just full-on charge, like I'm indestructible. | ||
| She takes MMA, so she will slam into me, grab a single leg, throw her shoulder into me. | ||
| If I plop down on the bed, she gets on top of me. | ||
| She drops on top of me on the mount. | ||
| She'll start punching my stomach. | ||
| She thinks it's hilarious, because I'm like a toy. | ||
| She feels like she can just beat on me. | ||
| Because I can just carry her. | ||
| I pick her up all the time. | ||
| I put her on my shoulders. | ||
| She's like, this motherfucker can just carry me. | ||
| I can't even hurt him. | ||
| I'll just wail on him. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Man. | ||
| She's so aggressive. | ||
| Man, I want my son to know how to do all that stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Get him involved early. | ||
| It'll be a normal part of life. | ||
| So that way, like bullies and conflict, it won't bother them because they know how to fight. | ||
| Yeah, I had to make bullies laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you're a big dude. | ||
| Big dude, yeah, but I got a short torso. | ||
| I look 5'8 sitting down. | ||
| I grew up in Maryland, so we had public transit and stuff. | ||
| So whenever I would be on public transit, I would always see the dudes like, yo, we got one. | ||
| And then I would have to stand up. | ||
| They were like, oh, never mind. | ||
| But yeah, my height saved me a lot. | ||
| And then being funny helped me a lot, too. | ||
| Yeah, being funny is the good one. | ||
| It's like, oh, this guy's not trying to be dominant. | ||
| He just wants to be the silly dude. | ||
| Okay, we like you. | ||
| You know what I used to do, too, though? | ||
| I only told Colin Quinn this story. | ||
| When I grew up in these apartments, Pembroke Apartments, in Prince Shorters County, Maryland, there was this one bully who would steal people's bikes and shit, and he would start fights and whatever. | ||
| And so I had, I played sports, you know, so one of my trophies broke and my mom took me to some place to fix it and I did not know that there was a place that existed where you, I just thought trophies appeared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| As a kid, you just get a trophy. | ||
| So when I saw this was the spot, what I used to do is I would save my allowance and I would go to the trophy spot and buy like a karate trophy. | ||
| And just walk around the neighborhood just long enough for this one dude to see me who I knew would be like the town crier. | ||
| And I would always act embarrassed about it. | ||
| Like, oh, young, what's that, young? | ||
| And that's how we talk. | ||
| We say young and stuff. | ||
| My mother got me taking karate and shit. | ||
| I'm wondering, oh, you want karate? | ||
| You nice like that? | ||
| Yeah, man, but don't tell nobody, man. | ||
| I ain't gonna say shit. | ||
| And then I would leave. | ||
| And then like, you know, a couple of months ago, I go by and buy a little bigger truck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| And the dude never messed with me. | ||
| He never messed with me. | ||
| Thank God no one was like, oh, I can fight. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| But it was like, the word got out enough. | ||
| Because nobody knew karate. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, if you heard a dude did karate, that was enough. | ||
| Like, you didn't want to get embarrassed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It gave me free passage. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Just to be my corny self. | ||
| That's a very clever way of handling it. | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I saw that store, I was like... | |
| And the pieces, they were like five bucks. | ||
| Seven bucks, three bucks. | ||
| And I would go and put it on. | ||
| So I was acting at an early age, all that shit. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I said, I know where he's going to be. | ||
| As soon as he saw me, I'd go back in the house. | ||
| I didn't want a big, you know what I mean? | ||
| That's very clever. | ||
| Psychologically, you knew the right guy that couldn't keep his mouth shut. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was always that guy. | ||
| You know who that guy is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was so funny, too. | ||
| I bet he works for TMZ now. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| If he got out. | ||
| If he got out. | ||
| If he got out, right. | ||
| Because that was, in our neighborhood, it was, people were afraid to dream out loud. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I wanted to be a comedian since I was nine, but I ain't telling nobody. | ||
| Because I saw somebody else say, I want to be, whatever, man, you ain't going, you can't, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Isn't that funny how people want to squash dreams? | ||
| Yeah, because it's their fear, but you don't realize that until you're older. | ||
| It's their fear that they're pushing on you. | ||
| And so, in their own way, they think they're helping you. | ||
| Right, giving you a dose of reality. | ||
| Yeah, and you were in Boston, so you had this too. | ||
| A lot of people yell at you helpful shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like a yelling community. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, don't do that! | |
| So I always had like... | ||
| People always yell, watch the street! | ||
| They would be really emotionally charged. | ||
| Get out of the street! | ||
| As opposed to, hey man. | ||
| It was never calm. | ||
| You were always yelled at. | ||
| It was like a lot of yelling. | ||
| You know where I found it the weirdest? | ||
| I worked as a limo driver once. | ||
| And there was this guy that worked in the dispatch. | ||
| And this guy was just like a real bitter dude. | ||
| And he wasn't that much older than me. | ||
| I was 21. And he was probably like 26 or 27. But he had given up. | ||
| And he was the dispatch guy. | ||
| And I worked all day. | ||
| I had an eight-hour shift. | ||
| And then after I did the eight-hour shift, I'm like, hey man, I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta show tonight. | ||
| And he's like, a lot of guys here work 12 hours a day. | ||
| I go... | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I go, but I did my eight hours. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| They're like, well, we need some airport pickups. | ||
| I'm like, I did eight hours. | ||
| I go, I'm not working more than eight hours a day for you guys. | ||
| This is like a part-time job. | ||
| I work eight hours a day. | ||
| I'm gone. | ||
| This motherfucker called the place where I was supposed to be performing. | ||
| To find out if I was there. | ||
| And something happened and I got switched to another place. | ||
| Like the booking agent said, hey, why don't you work at this place instead? | ||
| And so I went in to work the next day. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| He goes, you weren't at that fucking place you said you were last night. | ||
| I go, I was like, first of all, dude, I'm done working. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I go, second of all, they switched me. | ||
| The booking agent said, call this other place. | ||
| I go, call the other place. | ||
| I'll wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we're just looking at each other like, this guy just doesn't want dreams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He's like, yeah, you're out there doing comedy? | ||
| You could be making real money here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare you not see this as the thing? | ||
| They were pointing to this one dude. | ||
| There was this old dude who worked there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm. | |
| And I remember he was this big fat guy who had a Cadillac. | ||
| And that was the thing they were saying, you know, John over here, he works, he doesn't bust his ass. | ||
| He works about 60 hours a week. | ||
| And he's got a beautiful Cadillac. | ||
| And then this Cadillac. | ||
| He's just sitting there and everybody's like, wow, John's got a Cadillac. | ||
| He was like probably in his like late 40s. | ||
| Yeah fat dude just could tell you where the best veal scallopini is He just sat in his car all day driving around yeah, and then I remember thinking like this poor fuck like John makes about $60,000 a year He doesn't have to bust his ass. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good living and they point to him look at his Cadillac We were always like this is prison this guy's working 16 hours a day like what the fuck is going on here, man? | ||
| You can't live like that. | ||
| Yeah Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You gotta dream bigger than that. | ||
| One of my boys, he's doing really well. | ||
| He could always sing. | ||
| So our thing, we used to always have little singing groups. | ||
| And we have this, it's a local music called go-go music. | ||
| Go-go music? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a lot of percussion and horns. | ||
| Local as to where? | ||
| It's really local in the D.C., Maryland, Virginia area. | ||
| But you've heard go-go, like... | ||
| It has some national hits, like Doing the Butt is a go-go song. | ||
| Doing the Butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, by Experience Unlimited EU. Yeah, that. | |
| In the 70s, there used to be music programs in all the schools. | ||
| So all these cats were coming out, learning instrumentation, composition, all this stuff. | ||
| But in our era, they cut that. | ||
| But go-go bands, they still played live music. | ||
| So we would all try to form go-go groups, but we couldn't read music. | ||
| So we would be like, your part is... | ||
| We would talk to each other. | ||
| You on the horn, you play. | ||
| We didn't know notes or anything. | ||
| We would always try to do that, or we would be in a little singing group or something like that. | ||
| And one cat could sing so well. | ||
| And I just remember when my mom, we moved away when I was 13. I remember hoping that he would keep singing. | ||
| Years later, I'm asleep on my couch, man. | ||
| And I love music video, so I had it playing. | ||
| And I heard a familiar voice, and I wake up. | ||
| It was him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I started crying on my couch. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I was like, get it! | ||
| He made that out. | ||
| Yeah, he's fantastic. | ||
| He got nominated for a Grammy two years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His name's Boo. | ||
| Black Boo. | ||
| His name's Alfred Antonio Duncan. | ||
| He went... | ||
| You call him Black Boo? | ||
| That's what he calls himself. | ||
| And he calls himself Black Boo... | ||
| Professional? | ||
| He was like my brother growing up. | ||
| I'm my only child, but... | ||
| His real name is Alfred. | ||
| So this is how we met. | ||
| I don't know how old I was, but there was a knock on my door. | ||
| Saturday morning cartoons. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| And so then Mambo Sauce is the name of Go-Go Band he was in. | ||
| And they have a hit song called Welcome to D.C. that I saw on the video channel. | ||
| And it plays all the time, like in the Redskins, where the Redskins play and where the Washington Wizards play. | ||
| He's dope. | ||
| And he just went viral for marrying his wife like he proposed to his girlfriend and then married her the same day. | ||
| What did you say, Jake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something else that just happened went viral. | |
| Oh, nah. | ||
| But this is how he met. | ||
| I remember he knocked on my door. | ||
| And my mom answered it. | ||
| And he was like, how you doing? | ||
| My name is Boo. | ||
| He said, my mother want to know if you got a cup of milk, we could borrow. | ||
| And my mom was like, okay, yeah, we got a cup of milk. | ||
| My mom went to get some milk. | ||
| And she goes, this is my son Owen. | ||
| I go, hey, I go, why they call you Boo? | ||
| He said, because they said when I was born, I was so black that I looked like the sound of ghost makes. | ||
| So that was his name, Boo. | ||
| So then my mom gives him a cup of milk, and then he walked back carefully with it 15 minutes later. | ||
| How you doing, Ms. Smith? | ||
| My mother want to know if you got a half a cup of sugar she could borrow. | ||
| Yeah, I got a half a cup of sugar. | ||
| Came back. | ||
| How you doing, Ms. Smith? | ||
| My mother want to know if you got one egg she could borrow. | ||
| You sure you don't need two? | ||
| No, just one egg. | ||
| I'm going to give you two just in case. | ||
| So then he left. | ||
| Came back. | ||
| How you doing, Miss Smith? | ||
| My mother wouldn't know if you got a quarter cup of oil, she could borrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Real talk. | ||
| My mom gives him a cup of oil, comes back 15 minutes later. | ||
| No. | ||
| How you doing, Miss Smith? | ||
| my mother wouldn't know if you want to come over for pancakes he was my friend he He became my best friend, like, just like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just like that. | |
| And my mom was like, does she need syrup? | ||
| And you could hear his mom go, I had that, you know? | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| And that's how we met. | ||
| And that was kind of like... | ||
| Indicative of the apartment complex. | ||
| Like looking back at it, it was like basically all single moms in that apartment complex. | ||
| And so all raising young boys and we would all go outside and play and give each other bad information. | ||
| Try to finger pop girls or whatever, whatever. | ||
| Try to do backflip, whatever it was. | ||
| And so that was a... | ||
| It was just a great time in my life, because I was born in the Bahamas, and then when my mom left my dad at nine months, she moved to D.C. for like a year, and then the Pembroke Apartments. | ||
| So I was in Pembroke Apartments from there until like 13 or 14. Where'd you start doing comedy? | ||
| I started doing comedy in Maryland, man, at the Greenbelt Comedy Connection. | ||
| Outside was a huge picture of Martin Lawrence and Dave Chappelle was just bubbling, starting to like pop. | ||
| And I actually saw Chappelle bomb in there. | ||
| And I hope this isn't a negative story. | ||
| It was fantastic how it happened. | ||
| He went up and he was doing his stuff and it was a black crowd. | ||
| At the time, you know, he was young, man. | ||
| We're the same age. | ||
| So at the time, we were both 19. And he was, like, just trying to figure it out. | ||
| And I thought he was great, but somebody was like, boo! | ||
| And they just started just a collective boo. | ||
| He was like, fuck, yo, I'm gonna be famous! | ||
| I'm gonna be famous! | ||
| Like, he literally was saying that. | ||
| Then he walked off stage and he sat right next to where I was. | ||
| And you know that just bomb energy? | ||
| He was just like, he ain't gonna look at nobody. | ||
| And I was just like, man. | ||
| And I had never seen anything... | ||
| Like, that happened, and this guy named Tony Woods went up after him. | ||
| I know Tony! | ||
| And so then Woodsy goes up, and Woodsy goes, man, that was great! | ||
| Standing ovation, right? | ||
| Then they walk off, they walk out together, get in the same car and drive off. | ||
| It's like, oh my god, that was incredible! | ||
| Like, just seeing that happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| And then, I started in that environment where I learned how to perform first, right? | ||
| I had no substance. | ||
| I just knew how to, I was trying not to get booed. | ||
| So I wasn't talking about shit. | ||
| I was just, man, you... | ||
| It's just a very... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just be entertaining. | |
| Just an entertaining performer. | ||
| But everyone in that environment was so nurturing. | ||
| Like... | ||
| When you got off stage, other comments were like, yo, that's funny. | ||
| First, slow down. | ||
| Say this. | ||
| It was like a weird... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never had other black men be that excited about something that wasn't sports or women. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And be that encouraging. | ||
| Like, yo, man, you funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da-da-da-da. | |
| And so I was like, I'm home. | ||
| This is, you know, and it was a guy I went to eighth grade with a cat named Mike Brooks. | ||
| He's like the mayor of DC Comedy Wise. | ||
| He had been doing it a year longer than me. | ||
| And took me around all the spots. | ||
| So my goal that summer was to just get paid, because I believe if you got paid, I'm a professional. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So at the end of the summer, this guy named Pops gave me a crumpled up $25 to perform in front of like six people in this big place in the Greenville, the Comedy Connection of Laurel. | ||
| And after that, you couldn't tell me nothing. | ||
| Because we had performed in, it's a lot of spots called cabarets, where The audience is not facing you. | ||
| So you're on stage and they're at long tables eating crabs and stuff and they have to careen their next bag and look at you. | ||
| And if I would get like a laugh or something, I was like, oh, okay, I'm doing it. | ||
| And we would do crazy stuff like a headliner would like... | ||
| Go short. | ||
| And we would go up after a headliner and eat it. | ||
| Because he just had him. | ||
| He was the headliner. | ||
| But for some reason he had an issue. | ||
| We would go up next. | ||
| I heard a headliner do that. | ||
| Bert Kreischer was telling me about that. | ||
| Where he would go on after the headliner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the headliner didn't want to do the drop check spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he would go up. | ||
| Someone would go up and do like 10 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The headliner would go up, do an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then Bert would go up and close the show. | ||
| Yeah, Mike Brooks was amazing. | ||
| What in the fuck kind of shit is that? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, one time, this is when I took another Sweet L. It was that same summer. | ||
| We were at one spot. | ||
| And then Mike said, hey, man, let's go to Comedy Connection. | ||
| Chris Thomas is coming down early or something. | ||
| We're going to close it out. | ||
| I was like, all right. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| You weren't supposed to do that. | ||
| And I'd get up there. | ||
| Chris Thomas is killing. | ||
| He was the mayor of Rap City. | ||
| He used to do this move, and he does a lot of impressions. | ||
| The crowd is literally crying. | ||
| Still, I'm going to go. | ||
| I'm going to kill it. | ||
| I don't know what's about to happen. | ||
| And I had to go first. | ||
| That was the other thing. | ||
| He set me up. | ||
| Like, yeah, you go up. | ||
| Then I'm going to go up. | ||
| So I basically had to take what was coming. | ||
| So Chris leaves. | ||
| And it was no ill will or nothing. | ||
| He literally had to go do something. | ||
| So then they introduced me. | ||
| I come out there. | ||
| This is when I used to wear slacks. | ||
| Shirt was tucked in. | ||
| I just smelled like a college kid. | ||
| I was like, what's up, y'all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Everybody's like, and the checks are dropping. | ||
| I didn't understand what that was. | ||
| People are looking at their bill. | ||
| Man, the Power Rangers are crazy. | ||
| I'm talking about sweat. | ||
| You know, all terrible, terrible. | ||
| I race off stage. | ||
| And then I don't think I got booed, but it was just silence. | ||
| It was just no laughs. | ||
| And then... | ||
| But Mike, he used to do this trick where he would pad his intro with shit he never did. | ||
| You seen him on the Martin Lloyd show. | ||
| You seen him opening for Sinbad. | ||
| You seen him on Def Jam. | ||
| I was like, you ain't doing all that? | ||
| And he was like, you got to figure it till you make it, Jordan. | ||
| And then he went out and he did okay. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I just learned a lot of lessons in that era, you know, like how to keep going, like if this shit ain't working, you know, just keep going. | ||
| And I really had so much confidence because I feel like that area was some of the toughest environments to get laughs. | ||
| So then I went to the Midwest. | ||
| I went to school in Notre Dame. | ||
| I was like, this ain't shit. | ||
| People are friendly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is going to be so easy to make, you know, to be. | ||
| And so I started a comedy, a funny bone opened up in South Bend. | ||
| I became like the house MC there and I would watch the national headliners come through. | ||
| Oh, that helps, right? | ||
| Tremendously. | ||
| And that's when I learned substance. | ||
| Like I was like, okay, I got to, I got to have something to say. | ||
| Isn't it interesting, too, if you would work at a place like that? | ||
| I remember how it was in Boston when I was first starting out. | ||
| If I was lucky, I'd get a hosting gig, and I would get you to see the quality of some people's material versus others. | ||
| You would see a guy coming in as a headliner, and you're like, really? | ||
| This is a headliner? | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| Barely adequate. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| And you'd watch them all weekend. | ||
| And you're like, this is a whack show. | ||
| And then the next week it'd be Bill Hicks or something. | ||
| And you'd be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, next level. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| You realize it's the quality of your thinking. | ||
| People are tuning in to what you're saying in some sort of a weird way that hasn't totally been defined yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and when someone is up there and they just got some great material, they got great shit, it's like it puts a smile on your face, like it gets, your brain lights up, like, ah, I like where he's going with this. | ||
| Yes, I love that. | ||
| I was like, oh, I didn't know you could do that with comedy. | ||
| I didn't know you could do that with the art form. | ||
| It is, it is like a, it's such a personal thing for me, like when I see somebody abusing it, I do get it like, ah. | ||
| But now that I'm a little older, I just go, ah, ah. | ||
| It doesn't affect me like it used to. | ||
| I used to be like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| Yeah, when I first started out, I would get offended by the pack material. | ||
| I'd get angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm like, whatever. | |
| Yeah, I think it's just you realize what's a waste of energy. | ||
| It's good to use that on yourself. | ||
| To look at your own material and go, ah, why the fuck am I doing this? | ||
| Ah, fix this. | ||
| That's going to benefit you. | ||
| But doing it to other people, it's just a waste. | ||
| Such a waste. | ||
| But yeah, I spent... | ||
| Some of my early 20s doing that. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, like I was telling you before we started, when you're talking about Australia, Franklin Ajayi was, because I used to... | ||
| So he lived there for a while? | ||
| He lived there, and I asked him, I go, why'd you move to Australia? | ||
| He said, no guns, no gangs, no God. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But he said the money wasn't on part of what he could be making back in the States, so that's why he came back. | ||
| How long did he live there for? | ||
| Several years, but I don't know. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| That he was there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I remember I saw him back in the 2000s. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Then he just went over there. | ||
| But I remember the first comedy album I heard of his is a picture of him. | ||
| I can't think of what the name of it is, but I was listening to it because I was in Oklahoma. | ||
| I can't remember the other comic I was with. | ||
| At that time, I used to go to flea markets to buy albums. | ||
| And we listened to it at his spot and we smoked some weed and we were listening to it. | ||
| And I was like, he's high. | ||
| Like, you can tell he's high on this album. | ||
| I was like, I didn't know you could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, that's crazy. | |
| He is so high. | ||
| Not that one. | ||
| I'm a comedian, seriously. | ||
| Yeah, this dude. | ||
| But he was the first comedian. | ||
| The one up there with the shirt off. | ||
| That's the album we listened to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That album right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't smoke dope, fry your hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's funny, man. | ||
| Don't smoke dope, fry your hair. | ||
| What a strange name for an album. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, but you could tell he was high. | ||
| He was a funny dude, man. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| I remember that bit he did about the Olympics. | ||
| He was on like one of those... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was a young comedian special, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he did that too. | ||
| He goes, watch the Olympics, watch the dude who comes in last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why did I train for this? | ||
| I trained for four years. | ||
| And then reality starts saying, man, I don't even have a fucking job. | ||
| I could have not trained and still came in last. | ||
| He's fantastic. | ||
| He was the first black comedian I heard who didn't grow up. | ||
| His shtick wasn't, I grew up poor. | ||
| He was like middle class. | ||
| He went to law school and he just talked about it. | ||
| I go, oh, you could talk about that? | ||
| Because when I first started, a lot of comedians taking the stage, they all felt like they had to fit into this. | ||
| It was a thing that just happened. | ||
| But then when you talk to them offstage, it's like, You're way more interested in Offstate. | ||
| Why don't you talk about that? | ||
| Can you talk about that? | ||
| Do you think it was because they felt like they had to fit the mold of the popular comedians? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| People wanted a certain kind of comedian and they felt like, oh, I got to talk about the shit that people want to hear. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| That's how you make it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| And then if you stay in it long enough, you start to just go... | ||
| Because for a time, I had an act for a black room and an act for a white room. | ||
| And it just got exhausting. | ||
| I used to be physical. | ||
| And I was like, oh, my knees, man. | ||
| I don't even stand here and talk to these people. | ||
| Like, you just kind of become what you, you know, already were. | ||
| That's why those people that work those alt rooms get in real trouble when they come to a real comedy club. | ||
| You ever see that? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| I've seen some people in alt rooms go to the store and follow Joey Diaz, and it is horrendous. | ||
| It's horrendous. | ||
| Because they're just used to witty references and clever subject matter. | ||
| It's yes and comedy. | ||
| Most people are so supportive. | ||
| Very supportive. | ||
| Which is nice. | ||
| It's nice to have that. | ||
| But there are also timid audiences too, right? | ||
| If Joey Diaz went there, they'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Why are you bringing the outside world? | ||
| We like our little bubble. | ||
| They had an alt scene, man. | ||
| I liked the fact that they were like, I can't get any heat over here, so I'm going to go create this over here. | ||
| But once it started taking off, I didn't like that they were... | ||
| It became a... | ||
| It was us against them. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, yo, we all trying to... | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of shitting on people that try too hard, which I was like, what? | ||
| He's acting out things and moving around. | ||
| Oh, you mean he's being entertaining? | ||
| He's selling a joke, right? | ||
| He's being funny? | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| That's kind of what people like. | ||
| Yeah, people get weird about what they're doing. | ||
| Like, you should only do what I'm doing. | ||
| That's more, we're talking, it's a waste of energy. | ||
| It's a waste of energy. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| Dude, you were talking about Tony Woods. | ||
| Tony Woods, I met Tony way back in New York in like 92 or some shit like that. | ||
| He was fucking funny, man. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| I'm sure he is, but there's a few dudes like him and even Franklin Ajayi. | ||
| Most people don't know who Franklin Ajayi is. | ||
| How does that... | ||
| Car wash. | ||
| Yeah, but how'd that guy not, like, who takes off and who doesn't? | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| I'm trying to figure it out, brother. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know his whole story, man. | ||
| I know for a lot of comedians who are mad funny, usually marriage or divorce is where they... | ||
| Gets them. | ||
| Gets them. | ||
| Divorce usually. | ||
| Gets them. | ||
| Takes the happy away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta pay someone who's fucking some other dude. | ||
| You gotta keep sending them checks every month. | ||
| And you get to see your ex-wife and you pick up your kid and your kid's like, Mom says you're a loser. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| Mom says you ruined everything. | ||
| Mom says you can't pay your bills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Mom says you need to get a regular job and stop chasing your dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, all that shit right there. | ||
| Divorce will fuck you up. | ||
| I think if you marry the right person, it can make you better. | ||
| That's what's happening with me, my wife. | ||
| I like my wife. | ||
| Yeah, that's a nice thing. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| Yeah, I like mine too. | ||
| I think that helps. | ||
| It definitely can make you more stable, more comfortable, and you learn more about yourself when you're totally intimate with a person. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Someone really knows you. | ||
| Yeah, I want to thank you for the compliment you gave me. | ||
| I had my wife listen to it first because someone said that you mentioned me. | ||
| And I'm always nervous when I... I was like, I don't know what Joe said! | ||
| And so my wife said, baby, listen to it. | ||
| So we listened to it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's dope. | ||
| And I said, oh, he said top 20, baby. | ||
| And my wife goes, you knew that already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, ah! | |
| You are, though, man. | ||
| But I can't say it. | ||
| I can't say it. | ||
| I said, I think you're one of the top 20 guys in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, man. | |
| I really do. | ||
| That makes me feel good. | ||
| That makes it... | ||
| It's so funny, man. | ||
| So many... | ||
| I'm doing... | ||
| I'm going to be doing... | ||
| Like... | ||
| Some things that I've always wanted to do years ago, but I didn't know to ask for it, right? | ||
| That was the thing I always thought that people would see your work and then go, hey! | ||
| Well, what happened with you, I think, is you started working as a writer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's when they give you a job, and then you think, like, this is what I do now. | ||
| But that job, there's no free ride. | ||
| Like, to get that money for that job is nice, and it gives you stability, but it takes away from the potential earning of your stand-up. | ||
| And then the dude that you started out with, they're balling out of control. | ||
| They're selling out places, and people don't know who you are. | ||
| That, to me, is crazy. | ||
| When I see you on stage, I'm like, this guy is a world-class headliner. | ||
| Like, everybody should know Owen Smith. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and so it just drives me nuts. | ||
| We're working on it, man. | ||
| We're working on it. | ||
| And I've been trying with Ian Edwards, too. | ||
| Same exact story as you. | ||
| Same exact story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember when he had long dreads. | ||
| Yes, I remember the dreads. | ||
| I love his. | ||
| What I was just describing, his is documented on camera. | ||
| Like, Ian used to yell at the audience. | ||
| Like, you know, what was his bid on Def Jam? | ||
| He used to be mad at AT&T, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he was like, that's how they get you! | |
| Like, he used to be, like, yelling, they get you, and then I'm not falling for it. | ||
| Like, he was like, and I was like, oh, and then when he cut his dreads, he was, like, more centered, more zen, just standing there talking. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Well, then he became vegan, and now he falls asleep constantly, so he has no energy. | ||
| When I get on the plane with him, I just take pictures of him. | ||
| I have, like, ten pictures on my phone of Ian, out cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Passed out. | |
| He gets on the plane. | ||
| As soon as he sits down, he's like... | ||
| Like, instantly. | ||
| And I'm like, I got this motherfucker. | ||
| I can, like, write his face and take pictures of him. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And then I send him to him with a bunch of Zs on it. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I do that too, though, man. | ||
| But I trained myself to go to sleep on a plane. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just kind of a thing. | ||
| Like, when I'm on a plane, I just make myself go to sleep. | ||
| I don't know where I got it from. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It'll definitely make flying easier. | ||
| If you can get really comfortable with just falling on, you know, like, especially those six-hour across-the-country flights. | ||
| Yeah, I'm out. | ||
| Just conk out. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| Wake up. | ||
| You feel refreshed. | ||
| Yeah, I'm about to take the first move of my son now that he can walk now, so I won't be able to sleep. | ||
| I know he's going to be that kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's going to be that kid. | ||
| Yeah, run up and down the aisles. | ||
| Getting mad if you try to hold on to him. | ||
| I kind of look forward to it, though, but I'm like, ah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's sad when they get earaches and they start crying and then you can't do anything about them. | ||
| I mean, you can't help them. | ||
| There's nothing you can tell them. | ||
| Sometimes things to chew helps. | ||
| Okay, that's good to know. | ||
| Sometimes gummy bears or something that they have to chew, it'll help pop their ears open. | ||
| I got my kid these vitamin gummy bears. | ||
| They're gummy bears, but they're made out of essential fatty acids. | ||
| They have vitamins in them. | ||
| They can chew it. | ||
| Yeah, they can chew it. | ||
| My son don't chew shit right now. | ||
| He eats everything. | ||
| I'm like, you gotta chew it, man. | ||
| Come on, one at a time. | ||
| 14 months old, man. | ||
| They don't know anything yet. | ||
| It's fascinating, isn't it? | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You learn a lot about yourself, man. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| You learn that you're enough. | ||
| It's the biggest lesson. | ||
| It's like, I'm enough. | ||
| I walk in the door and say, hey! | ||
| I don't have to... | ||
| Put on a show for him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, my wife says when he hears my voice, he lights up, like, if I call him, you know, on the phone. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| And so, yeah, I just like talking to him. | ||
| Sometimes, when I first had him, I didn't know what to say to him, so I would just do old, like, hip-hop lyrics. | ||
| I don't know what to say to this kid. | ||
| I'm just rapping stuff. | ||
| Who the hell is this? | ||
| Page me at 546 in the morning. | ||
| Crack-a-dawning. | ||
| Now I'm yawning. | ||
| And then he would be like, what? | ||
| I don't know what to say there, man. | ||
| And then I just started, I would talk to him about my day sometimes. | ||
| And it's cool, man. | ||
| It's a very weird feeling to see a little tiny human being that's dependent upon you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It changes your perception of the world. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| And it's also like all of us were that age. | ||
| So it's kind of weird when I look at adults. | ||
| I'm like, man, you were 14 months old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I talk about that all the time that I look at people as grown up babies now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to look at people in a static state, like I'd see an 80-year-old dude. | ||
| That's an 80-year-old dude. | ||
| That's how he is, how he's always been. | ||
| No, he was a baby. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he became this guy. | ||
| Yeah, and he had dreams, and he tried shit, and did it work, and did it not work. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fascinated by people's stories. | ||
| Yeah, the shattered dreams and people with failed expectations are some of the saddest people you're ever going to meet. | ||
| If they just, for whatever reason, it didn't work, they didn't figure it out. | ||
| Whatever mental block, whatever the problem was, they just never figured it out. | ||
| Yeah, and that's when those charlatans sneak in that pretend to be able to sell them. | ||
| All you gotta do is... | ||
| What you gotta do is push harder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta dream big, and you gotta set your goals! | |
| Yeah, this guy's speaking to me. | ||
| With an easy workshop that we're gonna have down here. | ||
| Pay me $1,300. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're gonna have a workshop and talk about it. | ||
| I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna... | ||
| We're all going to join along! | ||
| Clap together! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| We're going to walk on coals! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot coals, barefoot! | |
| Yes, that's how they get you, man. | ||
| Yeah, the motivational speaking marketplace is a saturated cesspool of most people in it having accomplished jack shit. | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| Most of them, their accomplishment is that they're motivational speakers. | ||
| I know a comedian who's a terrible comedian. | ||
| I know who you're thinking of. | ||
| He's doing it now. | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Cut the shit, motherfucker. | ||
| And when you meet him, when you see him out, he's always flinchy a little bit. | ||
| you know he's flinchy like a dude with a side family a dude with a side family why that dude's so flinchy Oh, we had a side family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I get it. | |
| Oh, man, that's a lot of pressure. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Yeah, I know that, Kent. | ||
| Good luck, man. | ||
| Hope it works out. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of those guys out there listening to this. | ||
| I would like to say I might have... | ||
| Be responsible a little bit. | ||
| And this is very... | ||
| I'm literally... | ||
| This may not be true. | ||
| But we did a show together a long time ago. | ||
| And it was a college gig. | ||
| And the college gigs, they make you both do an hour. | ||
| They don't know how to just go, hey man, you do a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so he was hotter as far as credits because he had, you know, Comedy Central. | ||
| Loved this guy. | ||
| And they were like, so they were like, Owen, you go first. | ||
| And I could see in his eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Death! | ||
| And I was like, it was like one of those quiet things where I go, you know how you go, I'm going to do, I'm going to destroy this shit. | ||
| Yeah, because sometimes, if it's somebody you like, you'll do all right. | ||
| And then they come... | ||
| I was like, let me go ahead and just show this dude what this could really be. | ||
| I'm telling you, it was... | ||
| Look, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| 58 minutes, 59 minutes. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| Just left. | ||
| Gave him a great intro or whatever. | ||
| Like, I saw him reevaluate, and I think, I feel like at that moment, he was like, yeah. | ||
| There's gotta be another method. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He probably had, like, another two-year run, like, you know, but that... | ||
| I was at a vegan restaurant that I eat at occasionally, and this dude was in there with all of these people that he works with. | ||
| They meet together in this restaurant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw him at a raw food spot before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He came up to me when I was with my daughter once, and he's like, I'd just love to talk to you about a transformative experience that I've had. | ||
| I really would love to get on your podcast. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| That's so funny, man. | ||
| A transformative experience. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| People doing things. | ||
| People are doing things, but there's a real problem with people that are just motivators. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all they're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All you're doing is motivating. | ||
| And there's a lot of them, man. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| I'm always getting these fucking memes from people. | ||
| I'm like, who's this guy? | ||
| Then I'll go to his page. | ||
| It's all filled with memes. | ||
| And then, you know, like, you look at it. | ||
| They're like, he's a motivational speaker. | ||
| Oh, you're a motivational speaker. | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| It's weird to be a motivational speaker who's never done a thing. | ||
| Done a thing, yeah. | ||
| Like, you have to... | ||
| Start a company or become a something. | ||
| Life coaches. | ||
| Same kind of thing, yeah. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| But the weird thing is some of them, like, there are trainers that have never had professional fights and they're great trainers. | ||
| Ah, okay. | ||
| But they have studied the game, like, so deeply. | ||
| They understand all the various aspects of the game. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they become just really good at it. | ||
| They become really good at coaching. | ||
| Because they're, like, real legitimate analysts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Is that possible to do with life? | ||
| Can you be a person who has never really accomplished much in terms of nothing creatively? | ||
| You're not some world champion dude. | ||
| You're not some guy who's gone out there and accomplished great things. | ||
| You're not like Sebastian Junger, a war journalist. | ||
| You're just some guy who's like, what you gotta do is realize that you face fear in the eyes. | ||
| You tell fear. | ||
| Your true nature of your soul. | ||
| It's the approach, man. | ||
| You can't tell people what they have to do. | ||
| But I feel like you're a bigger motivator than a motivational speaker because you motivate by example. | ||
| But you just motivate by doing you. | ||
| You see what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, that's more motivational than telling people, I'm going to tell you how I do what I do. | ||
| It's like, I don't want to... | ||
| I just... | ||
| Oh, Joe did that? | ||
| Oh, that's dope. | ||
| Then, you know what I mean? | ||
| So you go, okay. | ||
| Joe comes from comedy. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| All right. | ||
| If he did... | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| I mean, what am I not doing? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, to me, that's more motivational than... | ||
| That's how I feel about people too. | ||
| Coming to my front door. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| People are always looking for some sort of a shortcut. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And sometimes people can give you... | ||
| I have C.T. Fletcher, who I had yesterday on the podcast. | ||
| But he's a six-time world champion powerlifter. | ||
| And when he talks about hard work and dedication and, you know, like, fuck your excuses. | ||
| You're like, okay, fuck my excuses. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| You believe him. | ||
| But I think there's a lot of people out there that want to be that guy, but they don't want to do that kind of work. | ||
| They don't want to accomplish some great task before they go out and do all this motivational stuff. | ||
| First of all, they want that hippie pussy. | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| What if that's the secret? | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| That's what a lot of it is. | ||
| You want those girls who are trying to improve themselves. | ||
| I'm just trying to be more spiritual. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Vulnerable pussy. | ||
| Vulnerable pussy. | ||
| It's not just vulnerable, it's seeking. | ||
| Seeking pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm seeking. | |
| Like yoga girls. | ||
| Dude, yoga girls. | ||
| There are so many freaks in the yoga community. | ||
| You know what's so funny? | ||
| I'm so... | ||
| I'm so above board. | ||
| I go to yoga, and I do my thing, and then I'll look, but I'm like, I don't even know how to make this my spot. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some guys, yeah, let's go to yoga. | ||
| I heard one of my yoga teachers hit on a student, and the line was so lame. | ||
| He said... | ||
| I feel like I've practiced... | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| What are you always trying to reach in yoga? | ||
| Whatever that shit is. | ||
| I feel like I've practiced something, something, something with you before. | ||
| And she goes, yeah, it does feel like that. | ||
| It was the standard line. | ||
| It was so terrible. | ||
| They started talking. | ||
| He had his hair and shit. | ||
| And I was like, there it is. | ||
| I could never... | ||
| That's not my thing, man. | ||
| But yeah, yoga is... | ||
| Yeah, when people talk about the practice... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they say, that was an amazing practice. | ||
| I can't talk to you! | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I feel like I've practiced. | ||
| I forgot what they said. | ||
| I just wanted to. | ||
| But I'm not a cock blocker. | ||
| I feel like I've practiced Shavasana. | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| On a mat before. | ||
| The Astanias. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| What is it? | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| I just take them to class. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| We did this thing. | ||
| How often do you go? | ||
| The once a week thing? | ||
| I try to keep it no less than once a week, but I fucked up since I did Sober October. | ||
| We had 15 classes that we had to do in a month. | ||
| Did I tell you about this? | ||
| Me, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, and Ari Shafir, we made an agreement. | ||
| No pot, no booze, 15 hot yoga classes, 90 minute hot yoga classes in a month. | ||
| It was rough, but it broke me. | ||
| It broke me in terms of my enthusiasm for yoga. | ||
| I'm like, enough! | ||
| Because what really broke me was not just the 15 classes, I could have done that, but I did nine in a row to end it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| That's too much. | ||
| I had some days after that too that I couldn't, but I was like, no, I'm going to burn this shit out. | ||
| I'm just going to bang it out nine in a row. | ||
| I was going Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. | ||
| But when it was over, it felt good. | ||
| Yeah, it felt good, right? | ||
| I did it. | ||
| When Russell Simmons gave me a month free at his Tantra's yoga spot. | ||
| Wait, he does Tantric yoga? | ||
| Tantris. | ||
| Tantris. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Tantric is where you hold your comeback, right? | ||
| Squeeze your dick hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought that was six. | |
| You're like, get that! | ||
| Now you'll last longer. | ||
| There's dudes that do that all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just, at their job, they squeeze their dick muscle. | |
| That's like the weakest muscle I have in my body. | ||
| If you just squeeze, hold the comeback muscle. | ||
| Use that right now. | ||
| Just try to plant that down right now. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Go! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that feel so spongy and weak? | |
| Like if I have to squeeze my arms, like my choke muscles, like... | ||
| Yeah, you could do that. | ||
| I feel like I could choke the fuck out of somebody right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like choke my own dick with my inner dick muscles, like... | ||
| This is nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, I'm so tired, I'm so weak. | |
| Jesus! | ||
| Don't move! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't move! | |
| Those muscles have zero conditioning. | ||
| I remember somebody told me. | ||
| You know how you do dumb shit? | ||
| I don't know if you ever did this, but somebody told me if you press on that area really hard for a couple of seconds that it won't do it. | ||
| Right, that you won't come. | ||
| And I tried that shit before. | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| Garden hose. | ||
| You're basically choking out your dick. | ||
| You're choking it out. | ||
| You gotta just get a gable grip and go down there and smash the base of your dick like you're choking. | ||
| I just come and apologize after that. | ||
| I was like, hey, I got what I wanted. | ||
| I'm sorry, man. | ||
| Give me 20 minutes. | ||
| Well, we were reading about male kegels once. | ||
| Like, male kegels. | ||
| And I'm like, listen, I don't hear what anybody says. | ||
| This is to tighten up your butthole for butt sex. | ||
| But they're not talking about that. | ||
| They're, like, sort of dancing around that. | ||
| Like, all the benefits of male kegels. | ||
| Like, you can control your bowels better. | ||
| Control your bowels better. | ||
| What do you mean better? | ||
| Like, who's out of... | ||
| I mean, it's one thing you've got diarrhea. | ||
| But regular control of the bowels is pretty much 100%. | ||
| Yeah, it's out. | ||
| It's coming out. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Oh, you know what's crazy? | ||
| So, this is nasty, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, I'm the only child, right? | |
| So, growing up, like, shit would happen to me, and I would just be like, well, what the fuck is that? | ||
| So, when I take, like, really good shits, like, I cry, like, out of one eye for some reason. | ||
| And I'm like, why is this happening? | ||
| So, but this is when it worked at my advantage. | ||
| My son... | ||
| He was doing something and me and my wife couldn't figure it out. | ||
| And then one tear was, I go, oh, he's taking a shit. | ||
| He gets that from me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was accurate. | ||
| He had the shit and something was going on. | ||
| And so then we helped him and adjusted him. | ||
| And my wife, if she watched it, she'll find out. | ||
| She does not know that about me. | ||
| Now she knows. | ||
| But that's how I was able to crack that mystery, because everything is a mystery. | ||
| And I go, what's he doing? | ||
| He was just sitting there, but he had this look on his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, it came out like, holy shit! | |
| I just passed that on to my feet! | ||
| Oh, that's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a random thing. | ||
| Isn't that a random thing, man? | ||
| Like, it's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That's so strange. | ||
| Yeah, it's so crazy, man. | ||
| It's weird how the body works. | ||
| Like, sometimes I'll just be driving down the street and a tear will roll down my cheek. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not even sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not happy. | ||
| I'm not sad. | ||
| Why am I crying? | ||
| It has come down. | ||
| Sometimes it's just leaking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Man, you know what else my body does? | ||
| If I'm in a room and I'm supposed to be awake, you ever get sleepy sometimes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I get sleepy, my dick will get hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like my dick is to a lookout. | |
| My dick is like, I got it. | ||
| Well, he's not paying attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're taking that. | |
| Right. | ||
| Scanning the area. | ||
| Well, sometimes I'll be in writer's rooms and I'll get sleepy. | ||
| And my dick will start getting hard. | ||
| I go, oh, fuck. | ||
| So then I'll try to go to the bathroom to throw water on my face. | ||
| But now I'm slightly, like, erect getting up. | ||
| So I'm making sure nobody's looking at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like some freak. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I'm, like, always pulling my shit down. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Like, everybody knows... | ||
| You get an erection. | ||
| Everybody knows you get erections, right? | ||
| But if you get an erection near them, like, what the fuck is going on over here? | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I had a boner, sorry. | ||
| Sorry, it's human nature. | ||
| Yeah, but you can't, especially in a mixed company. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Especially today. | ||
| Nah, you can't do that today, man. | ||
| Just think about all the sexual harassment that people just sort of like, that was the way they behaved. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| In the office. | ||
| That was their thing. | ||
| And now you can't do that anymore. | ||
| It was why they went to the office. | ||
| They couldn't wait to get to work to chase whomever was there. | ||
| Pinch the secretary on her butt. | ||
| I mean, my mom had a thing like that when I was a kid. | ||
| I didn't understand it, but somebody was... | ||
| She needed the job. | ||
| So what I will say to... | ||
| Women watching. | ||
| What my mom did is she just kept elaborate notes because she knew it was going to be his word against hers. | ||
| And predators don't keep notes, man. | ||
| They don't keep notes. | ||
| So my mom was like... | ||
| October 8th, she was protected. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Don't try to go off memory like that. | ||
| Even if you keep notes, man, it's still you against them. | ||
| Yeah, it still is. | ||
| Especially if they're the boss back then. | ||
| It was like, whoa, but still. | ||
| Because that's how... | ||
| Who, I think, who had, somebody else had, the Weinstein thing, somebody kept, like, notes. | ||
| And that's why, I mean, because when you have a lot of money, you can definitely litigate it. | ||
| Like, I'm going to sue and da-da-da. | ||
| But when somebody, you know, and I think all his legal team looked at it, they were like, you better go to Europe for some deep counseling. | ||
| Yeah, deep. | ||
| However they, you know. | ||
| Europe counseling is a different level. | ||
| I have to leave this continent. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Get my head on straight. | ||
| I'm going to stay over here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be able to do that is crazy. | ||
| Well, if you look at the Kevin Spacey thing, that's how he would run a set, apparently. | ||
| He'd be on the set and he'd just be grabbing dicks on the set. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, that's what they were all saying. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if that's the truth, but all the people in the House of Cards set, this is what all the complaints were coming out, was that he would grab guys' dicks that were taken in places, and he'd have a PA that had to take him somewhere, reach in his pants and grab his dick. | ||
| He was just a dick grabber. | ||
| A dick grabber. | ||
| He grabbed... | ||
| Whose dick was it that he grabbed? | ||
| Like some famous dude. | ||
| Richard Dreyfuss. | ||
| He grabbed his son's dick with him in the room. | ||
| He was just a crazy dick grabber. | ||
| Just a maniac. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Just drunk dick grabbing off the reservation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| And I think this is their social environment as well as their working environment. | ||
| They're constantly around all these people and they're in this king role. | ||
| If you're a star of a show that you're the executive producer of and it's a giant hit for Netflix and you're the king. | ||
| I'm Frank Underwood. | ||
| The king of House of Cards. | ||
| And all the people rely on you for their jobs. | ||
| This is one of the things they're saying about House of Cards is that 2,000 people could be out of a job. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So this guy was like at the epicenter. | ||
| Like he was the king of 2,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he would show up at work and he was like, where's my bagel? | ||
| Yeah, his ego. | ||
| Grab your dick. | ||
| I'm the king. | ||
| You know, and I think that is like natural male predatory behavior. | ||
| I think when a man gets into a position where he's the king and all these people, sire, maybe we get you something, sire. | ||
| Like if you're on a set and you're like the big star and all these people are stumbling around, sire, maybe we get you something, sire. | ||
| Like you start thinking like a king. | ||
| Like if you're Harvey Weinstein, like think about all the people that covered up for him. | ||
| He had it written in his contract. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| I mean, but also just think of that work ethic, man. | ||
| Like... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| Just to work that hard. | ||
| And then the part that trips me out is when people would show up to the victims and go, tell me everything. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| We're going to take them down. | ||
| And those people were investigators for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Then they go, I work for Weinstein, bitch. | ||
| Like, you better not... | ||
| You know how fucked up it has to have you walking around in the world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they're predators, man, and they look for... | ||
| Like, you know, it's this weird shit, but it's like if you, you know, they had like a parent or somebody going, baby, do you think it's safe to, you know, meet with him at three in the morning? | ||
| And they were like, mama, it's cool. | ||
| It's going to be fine. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Why don't you trust me? | ||
| You know, and then when something happens, they feel like they can't say anything because they don't want the I told you so or they don't want to. | ||
| Whatever it is, and then that that moment can turn into two weeks and not saying a year six, then you're living, you know what I mean? | ||
| And so that's how it can happen when you're just so embarrassed, you know what I mean? | ||
| Or you don't want to embarrass or hurt other people. | ||
| Sometimes people don't say anything because they don't want to make their parents feel a type of way, you know? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of women That have been rape victims that the stigma of being a rape victim, excuse me, publicly, It's so hard. | ||
| It's so terrifying. | ||
| It's so terrifying. | ||
| They're like, I'll just let it slide. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Personally, I'm happy that people are finally speaking, coming out, because it's a lot of jobs opening up. | ||
| I'm really happy that people are finding that courage to just speak that truth. | ||
| We'll see what happens on the other side of it. | ||
| Will we be a healthier society? | ||
| Well, I've been saying this for a while that I think that eventually we're gonna get to a point we could read each other's minds. | ||
| I really think that's on the horizon. | ||
| I think it's just a matter of time before no one can ever do anything like that ever again. | ||
| And I think that's what you're seeing now. | ||
| With this Harvey Weinstein shit and the Kevin Spacey shit and all this other stuff. | ||
| I mean, you see varying degrees of it. | ||
| Some of them seem pretty innocuous, like Al Franken just likes to grab butts when he takes pictures. | ||
| Not the best practice, but not the worst thing in the world. | ||
| But I think we're going to get to a point where all of this is looked back on wearing powdered wigs or slavery or any crazy old shit that we just don't tolerate anymore. | ||
| Just nutty behavior that you just can't do anymore. | ||
| I think we're going to get to a point where... | ||
| You're going to be able to talk to someone, and you're going to be able to see what's going on in their head. | ||
| And you would have to be a real piece of shit to victimize them, because you're going to get to see what their exact feeling is. | ||
| Oh, you just need this job. | ||
| You're not really attracted to me. | ||
| You don't like me at all. | ||
| You just need this job, but you might have let me jerk off on you if you keep this job. | ||
| This is gross. | ||
| I've got to stop. | ||
| You know what's interesting, too? | ||
| I think this is a direct reaction to us not communicating with one another. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Today, everything is text. | ||
| My boys are single. | ||
| They're getting girls through text. | ||
| Have you talked to her yet? | ||
| Nah, I am, but she's sending me text. | ||
| You don't even know her. | ||
| Everything can be taken out of context, what have you. | ||
| But yeah, it is getting to the place where you're going to have to be really clear with your intentions. | ||
| You're going to be able to see intentions on people. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You know, another thing I think that is ridiculous, and I'm not pro-prostitution, but I think it should be legal. | ||
| And I think if it was legal, you would have way less of this going on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Way less. | ||
| Because that's what it is, right? | ||
| It's just that release, and people need to... | ||
| Well, it's craziness. | ||
| It's forbidden shit. | ||
| There's a lot of factors going on. | ||
| But I think one of the things that would change... | ||
| Is that people that want, like, ugly dudes like Harvey Weinstein who just want sex. | ||
| Yeah, they can just go get it. | ||
| But I think for him it's like a power thing, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely. | |
| I mean, he was banging all those really hot, like, famous chicks. | ||
| Yeah, this drug dealer told me a long time ago it was two things. | ||
| He was talking about men. | ||
| He says, two things men understand. | ||
| Ass whooping or secret. | ||
| And if you can't whoop they ass, you better get a secret. | ||
| So, and that's... | ||
| You know, I feel like Harvey doing that shit to a lot of people because they became huge stars, right? | ||
| There's no reason for them to ever have to respect him again. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But he was like, yeah, but you know what this is. | ||
| Whatever his power thing was. | ||
| Well, that's what apparently he would negotiate it into deals. | ||
| He would say, if you fuck me, you'll get more lines, you'll get parts, you'll get this, you get that. | ||
| And so it's like... | ||
| I mean, but that is, like, my man, he was like, so when do you know your worth, right? | ||
| And when do you know, well, if you, you know what I mean, I'm good, I don't need this here. | ||
| I'll go over here. | ||
| Or I've already, the work I've already done, like, my last work paid for all this shit. | ||
| Where are you getting your money? | ||
| You're getting your money from something I did. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, instead of thinking about it like, oh, you can give me more money. | ||
| It's like, you sitting on... | ||
| You got this suite from my performance. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| This dude wrote it. | ||
| You didn't do shit. | ||
| Yeah, you just came up with the money. | ||
| This guy wrote it. | ||
| This guy shot it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| He's not the creative guy at all. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's just the money guy that fucks the women. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| And it's weird how long you got away with it for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For decade after decade after decade. | |
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| It's almost deflating every person that you look at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what shocked me the most about Matt Lauer? | |
| That motherfucker was making 20 million dollars a year. | ||
| 25! | ||
| 25? | ||
| I heard it was 25. I heard 20. 28? | ||
| Jesus, it gets bigger. | ||
| Can I get 30? | ||
| And they had to pay him. | ||
| They had to pay him. | ||
| They had to pay him out? | ||
| They had to pay him out his contract? | ||
| I was just reading, they don't know if it's going to be finished through his 2018 contract, but he also was getting flown helicopter rides to his Hamptons house daily so he could spend more time with his family or something. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| In between. | ||
| Damn, Matt Lowry. | ||
| I wonder what happened. | ||
| All those guys get paid out, though. | ||
| How much did Charlie Rose get when he had to step out? | ||
| Did he get paid out? | ||
| But he was on PBS. He probably wasn't getting paid out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
O'Reilly got a lot of extra money, right? | |
| O'Reilly got a lot of money. | ||
| O'Reilly paid $35 million in a sexual harassment settlement. | ||
| Like, what the fuck could you have possibly done? | ||
| Just think about the fact that they're like, okay, okay, if I give you 35 million, you shut the fuck up? | ||
| Like, 35 million is a J-Lo house. | ||
| Hold up, Joe, this is fucked up, but that victim should be a motivational speaker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That victim should motivate to talk to other victims on how to get paid. | |
| First thing I did was I limped around them. | ||
| I pretended I couldn't walk good. | ||
| I was getting nervous. | ||
| I'd have to sit down. | ||
| I appeared vulnerable. | ||
| It worked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder what he did. | ||
| I mean, it was just one. | ||
| I mean, another one, I think he paid 12. There was like several different ones that he had to pay off. | ||
| Like, this guy was on a rampage for years and years. | ||
| Yeah, he's a trick, man. | ||
| On the streets, he's a trick that pays well. | ||
| House money. | ||
| 35 million? | ||
| 35. Come on, man. | ||
| And everybody already knows you're a freak. | ||
| So it's like you wasted $35 million. | ||
| Everybody knows you're a freak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so where do you start? | ||
| Is it the platform? | ||
| Who gave them the platform? | ||
| That guy? | ||
| Well, I think it's a bunch of things. | ||
| But one of the things that I think it is, is that... | ||
| That world is so sexually charged. | ||
| All the men are like these powerful, wealthy men, and all the women are hot as fuck, and they all have short skirts on, and they're all talking about, like, American values. | ||
| And it's all conservative values. | ||
| It's all super suppressed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Behind closed doors, there's button popping and fucking. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Snorting coke off pussy lips. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Yeah, America! | ||
| You know? | ||
| Big hypocrisy. | ||
| We're so puritanical too, though, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't teach sex education to younger kids. | ||
| It's never cool to talk about this shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| So... | ||
| There's definitely that, but it's also the suppression. | ||
| The ones that are super religious, super suppressed, those are the ones that have a need for an outlet. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I feel like it's equal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So the amount that you put out, you equally have. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Who was that guy? | ||
| The senator or congressman or whoever the fuck it was that just got busted? | ||
| He was an anti-gay... | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| And it turns out he got busted having sex with a dude in his office. | ||
| Inappropriate behavior, they called it. | ||
| Which was very convenient. | ||
| They had to give him the ex. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Anti-LGBTQ lawmaker resigns over a gay sex scandal. | ||
| Republican Ohio State Representative. | ||
| Wesley. | ||
| Oh, Wesley. | ||
| Wesley Goodman. | ||
| He may have also previously assaulted an 18-year-old. | ||
| May have. | ||
| Assaulted. | ||
| Is it like Kevin Spacey type assault? | ||
| Like dick grabbing? | ||
| I know. | ||
| The word assault is so strong, man. | ||
| Your words are violent, Owen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Your words are violence. | ||
| I didn't touch you. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Your words are violence. | ||
| That's what comedy's headed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel uncomfortable. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's certain taboos now that are just breaching them on stage. | ||
| You see people say, are you allowed? | ||
| Well, you know, yeah, I wish they did that, like, with comedy tickets. | ||
| Like, I understand when you buy a baseball ticket, the back is like an agreement that if you get hit with the ball, you ain't going to sue. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, like, you agree that if some debris hits you, hey, man, it's a part of the experience. | ||
| And they need to do that with comedy. | ||
| If your feelings get hurt, you've already agreed to experience a performance. | ||
| I don't know how it's going to land on you. | ||
| What I think is really important, you've got to ban people that interrupt. | ||
| Especially bad hecklers that interrupt. | ||
| Hecklers sometimes, man, you're setting up for a special, you're getting ready. | ||
| They can fuck up the flow of a bit for weeks. | ||
| Always. | ||
| It seems like they always come out when you're setting up for something. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| When you ain't setting up for nothing, you just rocking. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| I gotta lay this down. | ||
| Here they come. | ||
| And the moral arbiters of what you're allowed to say and not say. | ||
| You don't even understand where this is going. | ||
| You're not even allowing this bit to take its full... | ||
| At the end, it'll be vindicated. | ||
| Just let it play out. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| At the end, I'm the piece of shit. | ||
| Just trust me. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Everyone wins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's a weird thing about live performance. | ||
| That's what makes it so exciting. | ||
| You are there to catch debris occasionally. | ||
| A tire will fall off one of the NASCAR things and launch in the crowd. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You got to keep swinging that bat, though. | ||
| You got to keep pushing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, also the real terrifying thing for me is the throwing away the material and then redoing your whole act every two years. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the real terrifying thing. | ||
| For me, it's about a year and a half, it seems like lately. | ||
| That's my schedule. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And at a year and a half, it's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, right now, I'm super nervous, because I'm, like, a couple months out, and then once I film, I'm fucked. | ||
| I don't have anything. | ||
| I just figured out how to make these bits all work good. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And it's exciting, right? | ||
| It's like, I could ride this for five years? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I think it's healthier, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's way healthier. | |
| But it is, like... | ||
| But what you're talking about, too, is something that I've gone through. | ||
| It's like, the older you get, the less you... | ||
| The less your faith isn't as strong. | ||
| When you're younger, you go, I know I'm going to come up with more shit. | ||
| Something's going to happen. | ||
| I think my faith is better now than it was before. | ||
| But I work harder at it now. | ||
| To me, it's directly proportional. | ||
| How much time I'm actually spending writing and working on new shit and trying out new shit versus whether or not I think I can do it again. | ||
| As long as you're paying attention, there's always subjects. | ||
| I feel like subjects, too, are essentially like scaffolding. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And once you have the scaffolding, then you got to fill it up with jokes and build on it. | ||
| That's the fun part, too. | ||
| I love the work, man. | ||
| I'm at a place where I love it even more now than when I first started. | ||
| It was just a blind love for just how it made me feel. | ||
| But now I really like getting in there and trying to... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take it places. | ||
| And it's so exciting to me, man. | ||
| And it's like I feel so present and awake, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I'm on stage and I just, I'm excited about it. | ||
| But it is true, though. | ||
| I wish that this was all I could focus on. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like this and my family. | ||
| That's all I want to do is stand up and family. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why it is so exciting is because it's just slightly out of your reach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's obviously within your reach talent-wise, but just like you still have this writing job, you still have this... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's there. | ||
| But the reason why I... I never intended to be a TV writer. | ||
| I didn't even know that was a job. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I went one day on the set. | ||
| A friend of mine, he was a comic and then became showrunner of Everybody Hates Chris. | ||
| And he called me out the blue and said, Hey man, you want to come read lines with Chris? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| So I went on set, and the job was to be his voice, because it was a voiceover show, everybody. | ||
| So I was his voice for the actors, for the pacing. | ||
| So I'd be off on the side. | ||
| My mother always said, like, I'll just be reading with her. | ||
| And then I was like, oh, this is cool. | ||
| I was like, this is like the best acting class. | ||
| Because I'm seeing, because at the time I was also like acting classes and doing all of that stuff. | ||
| Oh shit, I'm seeing what it's like on set, how to act. | ||
| Because I would watch co-stars come in and just crumble because it's not a safe acting class. | ||
| Like when you're acting on set, there's a boom guy that don't give a fuck. | ||
| There's a guy rolling up cable. | ||
| There's a guy eating the sand. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So you have to know how to find it in these raw environments. | ||
| So I used to watch that. | ||
| But because I'm a comedian first, when they would run lines, I would hear stuff that could be funny, and I would just write it on my script. | ||
| But I wouldn't say anything. | ||
| I knew better than to try to say something. | ||
| And then one day, showrunner, his name's Ali, he goes, hey man, this scene ain't working. | ||
| You got anything? | ||
| And I was like, do I? Yeah, she should say this. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| I just wanted to make it better and then he laughed and then he threw the line in and she laughed and then they did it and the whole crew laughed and then they recorded it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's cool. | ||
| And I didn't even think like, oh, that was great. | ||
| I was just like, yeah, that's what it should have been like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then Chris Rock came up and he was like, fuck that. | ||
| You say this and change it and they laugh. | ||
| Then I was like, I got another one. | ||
| And that was the first time I'd ever seen Chris like in person this day. | ||
| Like, oh, I got another one. | ||
| I gave it to him. | ||
| They throw it in. | ||
| They laugh louder. | ||
| Chris was like, you say this. | ||
| They laugh but not as loud. | ||
| Didn't know I probably should have shut up. | ||
| I had another one because I was like, If Chris would like me, this would be great. | ||
| You know, that kind of shit. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So I was like, this one. | ||
| They laugh. | ||
| They do it. | ||
| They laugh loud. | ||
| Chris goes, I got nothing. | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And so then, at the end, everyone's in line shaking Chris's hand. | ||
| When I shake his hand, he puts his, like, does the elbow thing. | ||
| He goes, what's up, nigga? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Chris Rock called me nigga. | ||
| He likes you. | ||
| I was so happy. | ||
| I was like, hey! | ||
| And then I went on a dumb plane and did like a college gig or whatever and came back. | ||
| And so then that grew into me doing what they call punch-up writing. | ||
| But I didn't know anything. | ||
| I just enjoyed... | ||
| Helping them make the show funnier. | ||
| If I hear something, I go, oh, that's dope. | ||
| That's kind of always been my nature. | ||
| One time this older black dude was at the store and he said, stop helping other people get better. | ||
| Keep that shit for yourself. | ||
| I was like, all right. | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| It's like he came out the shadows and just said it to me. | ||
| When cats would get off stage, I'd be like, oh, man, you should do this. | ||
| Then I would go do my work. | ||
| Like, I'm not doing that. | ||
| But whatever you're doing, I could hear it. | ||
| I go, oh man, maybe go here. | ||
| That'd be dope. | ||
| Some people will listen, and some people have amazing careers, and some people are like, alright. | ||
| And then I started figuring out, oh, they don't want me to say nothing. | ||
| I ain't gonna say nothing. | ||
| And then I did eventually just stop saying stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It just kind of just, it kind of falls away. | ||
| But I used to be, I was like, I used to just love hearing what people were trying to do and then go, hey man. | ||
| Sometimes someone on the outside can see it better than you can. | ||
| Yeah, and I wasn't annoying. | ||
| Like, I wasn't like, but I'd be like, oh man, that thing, maybe this. | ||
| And if they laughed, it was cool. | ||
| And I literally... | ||
| Didn't think about it again. | ||
| I wouldn't even remember. | ||
| So that evolved into me like... | ||
| They used to let me rewrite scenes on set. | ||
| Because that was just the way this particular showrunner worked. | ||
| His whole philosophy was funniest wins and, you know, if you got it, you got it. | ||
| And then... | ||
| So he would bring stuff in from the writer's room, which I was rarely in, because I wasn't a writer at that time. | ||
| And then when they would put it on its feet, we could hear how certain people couldn't say—they would sound funnier saying a different word, or maybe it should just take a different turn. | ||
| And we were kind of on the same, so he would let me rewrite. | ||
| And that— Then I found out about writing and there's a writer's guild and all this stuff. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. | ||
| I'd like to see what it's about. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| But I didn't get a writer's job until... | ||
| Years later, I went through a bad breakup here, and I wanted to go to New York. | ||
| You know them breakups that make you want to change zip codes? | ||
| So I tried to... | ||
| I was so naive, I go, I'm going to write on Conan. | ||
| So I started sending... | ||
| This is when he was in New York. | ||
| I didn't hear anything. | ||
| I ended up having to be here for another two years. | ||
| And then after I gave up that dream of wanting to just get a writing job in New York so I could live in New York, I ended up getting a writing job. | ||
| In Stamford, Connecticut. | ||
| And I took it. | ||
| It was my first Writers Guild job. | ||
| But I moved to Harlem. | ||
| And so I would work on set all day and then race down to the cellar and perform at the cellar. | ||
| So I was living a life that I always wanted to do at 20, but I was afraid to move to New York. | ||
| At 20 because I didn't think I could afford it for some reason. | ||
| So I lived in Chicago and then I moved to LA. For some reason I felt like I could do those towns. | ||
| So I was living in Harlem and I was a comedian and I would write during the day. | ||
| I didn't even think of it as a thing. | ||
| And then that grew into, oh, I'm pretty good at this. | ||
| I know what this should look like. | ||
| I know how to tell a story. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When did you start coming around the store? | ||
| I came around the store on Everybody Hates Christmas. | ||
| I came out the first time in the 90s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Spring Break 1994. Me, Sunny, I can't think of her last name, but she's on The View now. | ||
| She's one of the ladies on The View. | ||
| Sunny. | ||
| We all went to Notre Dame. | ||
| She went to Notre Dame Law School. | ||
| Me, my boy Floyd, he pretended to be my manager. | ||
| We all did this play, Raisin' in the Sun. | ||
| And then for spring break, we all came out together. | ||
| And I went to all the comedy clubs, because I was doing comedy at Notre Dame, and he pretended to be my manager. | ||
| And I got up on some black rooms. | ||
| I got to do stand-up there. | ||
| And we went to all the comedy clubs, and everybody was nice to us. | ||
| Like, I'm a comedian visiting from the Midwest. | ||
| Can I just check out the room? | ||
| Yeah, come on in. | ||
| Went into the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Oh, this is shiny as fuck. | ||
| Okay, this is cool. | ||
| Nice, nice. | ||
| Went to the improv, they let me in. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Come to the comedy store, a dude named Chewy is standing up front. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember Chewy. | |
| And I go, hey man. | ||
| And some people, he was so intimidating, he made me lose the bass in my voice. | ||
| I was like, hey man, I want to just go in. | ||
| And he was like, do you know how they motherfuckers say they're a comedian? | ||
| And he chewed me out, and it scared me from the store. | ||
| And I was like, yo! | ||
| Everybody else was showing such... | ||
| I was not expecting it, right? | ||
| And I was just like, who is this dude? | ||
| I don't want to get in there. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| So I stayed away from the store. | ||
| It scared you off? | ||
| It scared me off, dude. | ||
| Scared me off. | ||
| He's the nicest guy once you get to know him. | ||
| Yeah, but so much so, I put a vendetta in my head against this dude. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Push this dude in traffic. | ||
| You know how strong you are? | ||
| How close you are out of the street? | ||
| I was really angry. | ||
| And I just walked away, and I was like, fuck this guy. | ||
| Fuck this place. | ||
| And then I didn't move out until 2000, right? | ||
| And I was doing a lot of commercials in Chicago, right? | ||
| And I booked 10 national commercials for Blockbuster Music or something. | ||
| It was me and this dude named J.T. Jagadowski, I think his name is. | ||
| He is one of the Sonics guys, those Sonics commercials. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| And we did 10 of them. | ||
| I was getting paid twice because they were using my hands, too. | ||
| It was like a video game spot. | ||
| So I was a hand model getting paid. | ||
| And then my face was imposed on one of my thumbs and his was on another thumb. | ||
| And we did it. | ||
| And so I thought I was going to make a lot of, and it was supposed to air during the Super Bowl, the 2000 Super Bowl. | ||
| And then I booked, and then I did radio to promote a show, and they offered me, the program director liked my voice, and offered me a radio gig. | ||
| He was like, yo, you want to do the morning radio here? | ||
| And I did a test run for like a couple of weeks, and it did really well. | ||
| And out of nowhere did I get a call from Don Buchwald. | ||
| I don't know if he's still Howard Stern's agent, but he was like, Owen, Don Buchwald, we know. | ||
| Let me negotiate your deal. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I was like, alright. | ||
| So you figured you were going to be a big-time morning DJ guy. | ||
| Morning DJ guy, and I did not want to be a local celebrity at all. | ||
| That's a go-to-bed-at-8 o'clock gig, too. | ||
| I know, and wake up at 4. I did that for two weeks, and my body felt paralyzed, but my numbers were really good, apparently. | ||
| Because I had to meet with this dude named J-Bo something. | ||
| And he was like, oh, and your numbers are great. | ||
| Just don't say this word so much. | ||
| And I was like, ugh. | ||
| I was already like, ugh. | ||
| So then this guy calls me. | ||
| And I go, all right, man. | ||
| I said, I want $250,000. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| And this is right when I think Clear Channel, somebody was buying up all the radio stations. | ||
| So base salary was maybe $60,000 or something like that. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| So I just said, I was like, because I had these commercials coming. | ||
| So I go, I want $250,000. | ||
| He was like, all right, let me see what I can do. | ||
| So I was supposed to come out here for Y2K. I was supposed to come out here before the ball dropped, you know, 1999. But I had to stay an extra like six weeks, maybe four weeks while they negotiate. | ||
| So every Friday, Don would call me, Owen, we got it up to 120. Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| This is an arrogant 26-year-old me. | ||
| Owen, we got it up to 180. Nope. | ||
| I've never met this man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| I wouldn't know him if he passed me in the street. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Owen, we got it up to 220. With your remote, you'll make your 250. Will you just take the gig? | ||
| No one has ever gotten this before. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I hung up my dumb flip phone at the time. | ||
| Did you have a Razor phone? | ||
| Yeah, some dumb flip, some stupid. | ||
| And then I hung it up. | ||
| And he was like, alright, good luck. | ||
| And I hung up like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you walked away from a $220,000 a year gig. | |
| Plus remotes, you would have made a quarter million dollars a year in 1999. Jesus, man. | ||
| Walked away, and it was already New Year, because I drove out here in my 1991 gray Honda Accord, drove through the southern route from Chicago, and stopped at Grand Canyon, yelled in there, I'm gonna be famous, famous, I'm gonna make it, all that shit. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Drove out, pulled in, and the copywriters from, because it was a Viacom spot, from the 10 national commercials that I did called me and said, hey man, we got some bad news. | ||
| There was an in-house legal dispute in Viacom between your spots and these spots called Thumb Wars. | ||
| And so we're not, there's aired already, so we're not going to be airing your spots. | ||
| We already edited a few, so we'll send them to you. | ||
| So I had like, I just had the session fee. | ||
| commercial money I was banking on, I had nothing to be. | ||
| So I went from thinking I was going to at least have, you know, Super Bowls, 10 national spots during the Super Bowl at that time when commercials actually paid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was counting, pre-counting money. | ||
| And I thought I was going to at least make a quarter of a million that year, at And then nothing. | ||
| So then I ended up sleeping on my boy's air mattress, Preacher Moss. | ||
| Shout out to Preach. | ||
| Did you ever think about calling them back for the radio gig? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| No. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah, it was like, I didn't want to be a local. | ||
| My reasoning was, if you're offering me a radio gig at 26, I can get a radio gig at 56. Like, it's a voice. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That was my thinking at the time. | ||
| My 26-year-old thinking. | ||
| And then... | ||
| So no, because I didn't want to go back. | ||
| I felt like I had done everything I could do in Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because when shows were coming, I would get a co-star on it. | ||
| There was a few dudes that tried to make it out of those local markets. | ||
| Remember Man Cow? | ||
| Yeah, in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, he was a Chicago guy, wasn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then him and Howard Stern had that crazy beef, and Howard Stern went after him. | ||
| Yeah, Howard Stern lapped him. | ||
| Yeah, but he was like a guy who was like a Chicago guy that was sort of bleeding out into other markets, and then it all went away. | ||
| Yep, yep, yep. | ||
| So when I came out, I was sleeping on the air mattress, got some pussy on it. | ||
| Whoa, that's strong. | ||
| It was consensual. | ||
| Did you get some sex on an air mattress and a girl likes you that much? | ||
| I was pretty good, yeah. | ||
| It's almost like futon sex. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| But yeah, I told her, I was funny, I was just like a poor man's waterbed, and you sound crazy, you know, whatever. | ||
| But I was there for 18 months, man, and I would drive up and go to acting class. | ||
| Acting class. | ||
| Boy, you meet some crazy fucking people in acting class, huh? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| But it was great. | ||
| It was a great time, right, to just really learn the art form at a different level and just see who's out here. | ||
| But I didn't fuck with the store. | ||
| I would drive past it, and I was doing improv, you know, once every two months. | ||
| And just like coffee houses and stuff. | ||
| And then it wasn't until I was on Everybody Hates Chris and Chris Rock was doing That special where he performed in South Africa and England. | ||
| He was working on that. | ||
| And he just said, I'm going to the store tonight. | ||
| And I was like, yo, I want to come see it. | ||
| All right, just come. | ||
| I was like, cool. | ||
| So I sat in the OR and I watched Chris go up. | ||
| And at that time, I was, I wasn't in, I'm still not in the Laugh Factory, but I did the improv. | ||
| And I would do the Laugh Factory on like chocolate sundaes or whatever. | ||
| But the improv, it felt like You had to have your set already worked out. | ||
| Like, you couldn't... | ||
| Fuck around. | ||
| Couldn't fuck around. | ||
| And you couldn't really go outside the box of what a comedian is. | ||
| And so, when I was at the store, I saw a few comics go up before Chris. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, you could be an artist here. | ||
| Like, that was my first instinct. | ||
| Like, you can do whatever you think is your thing here. | ||
| And then I saw Chris go up. | ||
| And I was like, I have to get in here. | ||
| Like, it was... | ||
| I was like, whatever, I gotta do it. | ||
| I gotta get in here. | ||
| Chewie wasn't around then. | ||
| Chewie wasn't around then. | ||
| So then, check this out. | ||
| So then I started coming down on Sunday and Monday, and Tommy was doing it at the time. | ||
| And I would listen to Tommy talk and stuff, and What blew me away about Tommy was I had never met a person who ran a comedy club who knew that much about comedians and who was that passionate about comedy. | ||
| I didn't know him from anything. | ||
| All the funny bones that I had worked, nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| About the lineups and kind of like his process. | ||
| So I didn't mind him talking to me. | ||
| I was like, oh, this guy likes to talk. | ||
| And I was like, oh, shit, a lot of people probably don't talk to him. | ||
| And so then when he would talk to me about comedy, I was blown away by that he knew a specific history of it and Yeah, you didn't get a chance to see him emerge as the crazy fuck he became. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| So he would give me the two-minute spots, and I would do the two-minute things. | ||
| And then he was like, I'm going to give you ten minutes. | ||
| And then he goes, I'm going to give you a showcase for Mitzi. | ||
| And he would call me. | ||
| It's going down now. | ||
| And I would drive and get all the way to it. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| I would go back home. | ||
| Because Mitzi was still sick. | ||
| She was sick, yeah. | ||
| She was real sick back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real sick. | |
| Come in, go back home. | ||
| But she was still doing auditions then, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What year is this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm bad with that. | ||
| But the class that I was in was Glickman. | ||
| Steve Glickman. | ||
| Me and Steve were past the same year. | ||
| So maybe... | ||
| Well, the Chris Rock thing was 2007. So this is all of it after I had left. | ||
| I had left the store in 2007. Yep, yep, yep. | ||
| So it was all right around that. | ||
| Right on the heels of that. | ||
| Right on the heels of that. | ||
| And then... | ||
| So maybe I got passed in 2008, maybe. | ||
| Where else do you work? | ||
| Do you work like Comedy and Magic Club? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| I'm going down there this weekend. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Yeah, hopefully. | ||
| What a great club that is. | ||
| You do the improvs, all the national improvs and stuff? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I was a road comic, I used to, like Dave Stroop used to book me. | ||
| In Columbus? | ||
| In Columbus, and he used to pay me, for a feature act, he used to pay me well, and then he would co-feature me, co-headline me, and then he'd just start boogieing me. | ||
| I can tell you the story, I don't care. | ||
| There was this waitress that worked there, and I fucked her. | ||
| Fucked her all weekend. | ||
| But I didn't approach her. | ||
| Like, she came on to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| You're not supposed to fuck the waitress? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I'm going to say, when Dave paid me, he goes, out of blue, he goes, did you fuck so-and-so? | ||
| And I was like, nah. | ||
| And then he was like, okay. | ||
| And then he's never booked me since then. | ||
| But I didn't want her to lose her. | ||
| I didn't know if I would have gotten in trouble. | ||
| What kind of a weird question is that? | ||
| It was random. | ||
| And again, dude, this comes from like... | ||
| Maybe not growing up with a dad. | ||
| I would have known how to handle that better. | ||
| But if my dad, if I had some knowledge from that. | ||
| But I just was like, I'm not going to get her fired. | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| So I'm not going to be like, yeah, fuck. | ||
| I was like, nah. | ||
| That's none of his fucking business. | ||
| I didn't know what to do. | ||
| It came out of nowhere. | ||
| If he's the boss. | ||
| Is he the boss or are you a private contractor? | ||
| You're kind of a private contractor, right? | ||
| Private contractor. | ||
| You come in. | ||
| It's not like you're getting health and dental from him. | ||
| Nah, but the whole thing was... | ||
| It's not like he's really your boss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to work. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I was never told you couldn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But it's always been the case. | ||
| Guys have always done it. | ||
| Only one club, they said, don't do it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was a Milwaukee, the Comedy Cafe. | ||
| I used to do that room. | ||
| I get how they would see it was gross with the comedians hitting on the waitresses all the time. | ||
| But I would never... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would always do my... | ||
| You know my energy, man. | ||
| I would perform and I would sit down. | ||
| And if they came over and talk, I would talk. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I was never like... | ||
| I'm not groping. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I wasn't facing... | ||
| She came on to you. | ||
| She came on to me. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| It was... | ||
| It was... | ||
| Like, me... | ||
| I wrote a show about this. | ||
| Like, me and this other dude, we know... | ||
| Like, you... | ||
| Like, we... | ||
| If you're throwing the pussy at us, we won't pick it up. | ||
| Like, you have to literally be like, will you... | ||
| Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, when I'm there to do comedy, I'm not conflicting. | ||
| This is where I eat, you know what I mean? | ||
| So I'm not thinking... | ||
| You're working. | ||
| I mean, I might see... | ||
| I'm definitely gonna see you. | ||
| Goddamn, you look good, but I'm not gonna... | ||
| I'm not gonna change up, you know what I mean? | ||
| And so she had... | ||
| I don't even know how it happened. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| I think she asked me if we wanted to get something to eat afterwards, and we got something to eat, and we were just talking. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, she's flirting. | ||
| Oh, that's cool, but we were away from the club. | ||
| I was like, oh, that's what's up. | ||
| And then she made a, I need to come back to the condo. | ||
| It was like a weird, I was so goofy, like, alright. | ||
| And then, oh shit, we fucking. | ||
| But it was literally no, I was no game. | ||
| She just picked me. | ||
| I won the lotto that weekend. | ||
| Whoever she was mad at before, she was like, this dude, I want that. | ||
| And that's really how that went down. | ||
| It wasn't me thinking about it. | ||
| That's a funny thing, because you're kind of working together. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But people in bars, they always wind up hooking up. | ||
| Like, that's, like, the constant thing in bars. | ||
| Bartenders and the waitresses. | ||
| People are always doing that. | ||
| That's, like, standard. | ||
| I mean, I would say in my 20s, I was more, like... | ||
| Consciously, you know, I knew how to... | ||
| Like, I could change my act to get an audience member or whatever. | ||
| Like, all right, she's cute. | ||
| Let me talk about this topic. | ||
| She'll come up. | ||
| That was so great. | ||
| You know, and then I would know how to do all that stuff or go to the mall and invite somebody. | ||
| You know, all those moves. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But then as I got older, I didn't care. | ||
| You're more concentrated on your comedy. | ||
| Yeah, I was like... | ||
| This stage time was so valuable to me. | ||
| I just, and I was just like, really, I just wanted to just, and then I was trying to figure out, cause it was at that time, like later on, it was about DVD sales. | ||
| And I would hear comedians, I sell out every time. | ||
| I'm like, I sell two DVDs. | ||
| So then I started going, what am I not doing? | ||
| So then I would fix that, and then it would be like lines waiting for my DVD. | ||
| But I'm a horrible salesman, so one person wanted to get in the conversation for a long time, and I want to be nice. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you just fucked up my line line. | ||
| Like, you talk too long. | ||
| You know, so I had to learn how to, like, keep it moving. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But then I didn't really like talking to the audience that much afterwards. | ||
| If I'm doing, like, racial stuff, because it would always come back wrong. | ||
| I used to do this joke about how Busta Rhymes, I went to a Busta Rhymes concert, and it was all white. | ||
| And he yelled, oh, my real niggas, make some noise. | ||
| And everybody was like, ah. | ||
| So the punchline is like, white people are niggas now? | ||
| And I was like, oh, what did I say? | ||
| And not only can we call them niggas, they are paying $85 for the privilege to be called niggas, right? | ||
| So then my joke would be like, white people, I'll call you niggas for $10. | ||
| Ten dollars. | ||
| Nigga sale, nigga clearance. | ||
| Cash only, because I know how you niggas are. | ||
| That was a joke I would do on the road. | ||
| And then I would be out selling my DVD, and always, you know, a drunk white person would come up and give me $20 and go, nigga. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| I'd go, that's not your joke! | ||
| I'll call you, nigga. | ||
| And I'm like, ugh. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's the problem when you get forbidden words. | ||
| Forbidden words, man. | ||
| You just can't wait to blurt them out. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| So we used to joke, like, what if that was my thing? | ||
| Like, what if I didn't sell product? | ||
| And I was like, y'all could just call me nigga at the back for $20. | ||
| And, like, just shake up the whole t-shirt, DVD selling thing. | ||
| Like, who is this guy letting white people call a nigga, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it just, it got so... | |
| You know, it's that growth process. | ||
| Every comedian, every, I think, minority comedian wants to figure out race, like, in their 20s and early 30s. | ||
| They want to fix it or have some clever angle that no one's done before. | ||
| But the reaction to that is you do. | ||
| Like, if you work in Kentucky, the late show Friday, and here you come talking about, you know, a black man invented the golf tee because he was tired of holding the ball. | ||
| Like, they're like, what? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like a different... | ||
| You're figuring it out. | ||
| So now it's funny when I hear younger comics attacking race in that familiar place. | ||
| It's like, yeah, that's cool, but what's beyond that? | ||
| But it's also like you're dealing with talking to the audience. | ||
| And the problem with talking to the audience is you might run into seven people that are really cool. | ||
| And they're great to talk to you. | ||
| Like, man, I'm glad I met you. | ||
| And then you run into two drunk morons that ruin your entire night. | ||
| You're like, I can't even believe I have to talk to you. | ||
| And I'm stuck talking to you. | ||
| The problem is you think you can make fun of white people. | ||
| And white people can't say the N-word to you. | ||
| You think that's okay? | ||
| You can say it to us? | ||
| I can't have this conversation with you. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you can't pick who you're meeting after those shows. | ||
| Especially if you're trying to sell something. | ||
| Yeah, so I was like, I just don't want to have to sell something. | ||
| I just want to perform. | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| Yeah, and then I'll talk to you afterwards because I did what you paid for. | ||
| I used to take merch with me. | ||
| I did it a few times on the road. | ||
| It is grueling. | ||
| It's grueling. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Can't be. | ||
| You get on a plane with so much promise if I say, well, I know dudes who would ship their shit ahead. | ||
| They would ship boxes ahead, tape everything down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'd hear about Gabriel. | ||
| Gabriel Iglesias. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| A million dollars worth of t-shirts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How? | |
| How? | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| He's got a warehouse filled with t-shirts. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. | ||
| What? | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's an interesting world, the world of trying to figure out what your thing is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for you, we just got to let people fucking know, man. | ||
| Just come see me. | ||
| Yeah, let them know. | ||
| You just got to be headlining on the road, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, man. | |
| You got to put out a special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Has anybody approached you about a special? | ||
| No. | ||
| The two that I've done, I've done out of pocket. | ||
| I got stories about that. | ||
| I did one in 2007. I made a lot of money doing colleges. | ||
| Because I was like, how can I make some money in quick hits? | ||
| And I figured out what my act was for the college market. | ||
| And I finally, my agents would never put me in NACA Nationals. | ||
| They would always do NACA Regionals. | ||
| And NACA is the National Association of Campus Activities where, you know, you get submitted in colleges, you know. | ||
| Yeah, I did all that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, but I knew, and I never, I rarely or never got selected to a regional because my humor works best if... | ||
| People, if everybody can see it at that time, like what I was talking about. | ||
| So if I did something, someone from the South would be like, that's too... | ||
| But someone from up north, man, shut up. | ||
| That's dope. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I said, Nationals would be my spot. | ||
| They finally put me in. | ||
| I get picked. | ||
| I get to do it. | ||
| And this is right when Kobe got accused of stuff. | ||
| And I had this Kobe joke that I did and my agents was like, keep it clean. | ||
| I was like, man, I'm doing this my way. | ||
| I'm listening to y'all all these years. | ||
| And I knew what the kids wanted. | ||
| I knew what the students wanted. | ||
| Once you get to their school, the act that people think they have to do to get the job... | ||
| It's your act. | ||
| Just do your act. | ||
| So I did my act. | ||
| I do these Kobe jokes in the middle. | ||
| And it changed the chemistry of the room. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because everyone was coming out, you know, doing the safe stuff. | ||
| And then the Kobe joke that I told was, Kobe got paid $30 million to drink Sprite. | ||
| $30 million just to drink Sprite. | ||
| I go, for $30 million, I would drink my own cum. | ||
| I say this on the NACA thing, right? | ||
| I go, I know women out there who have done it for far less. | ||
| That's the joke, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Place goes crazy. | ||
| I get off stage. | ||
| My agent is red. | ||
| But there's a line around the corner at my booth because I was the only guy that talked about something that was happening like right then and I had a thing on it. | ||
| Get over like 120 schools. | ||
| And I did that burn. | ||
| You know what that is. | ||
| So you're saying that you made a bunch of money and then you put together a special? | ||
| Yeah, made a bunch of money, put together a special, called Anonymous, shot it in South Bend, Indiana, because I was in these writers' rooms where people were going, the Midwest doesn't get it, the Midwest doesn't get it. | ||
| And I was like, I want to show them that the Midwest gets it. | ||
| Hired everybody, right? | ||
| The director I wanted couldn't do it, referred another director. | ||
| I had already purchased the place and airtime and all that stuff. | ||
| And I had people from Everybody Hates Chris, they were going to do favors for me. | ||
| So my budget was at, say, it was at like $40,000, right? | ||
| Then I had to hire this other guy and he said, I don't like working with people I don't know. | ||
| You got to hire all my people. | ||
| Doubles my budget. | ||
| We took a scouting trip. | ||
| Met his DP. They had my act. | ||
| They knew all my moves. | ||
| Like, I had this down cold. | ||
| Terry Crews flew in and introduced me. | ||
| And when we get on the plane to fly, the director says, the DP's not going to make it. | ||
| I found out later he took another gig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So now I'm performing my special that I'm spending now $100,000 on in front of four camera guys who have never seen my act. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I do the special, and it went great. | ||
| Did two shows. | ||
| I'm still hype about it. | ||
| Get back the footage. | ||
| This guy, the medium shot, saw focus both shows. | ||
| No. | ||
| Blurry. | ||
| So all my punchlines are over my left shoulder, which is not how you, so I couldn't resell it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So I had to put it on YouTube, and my boy calls it the most expensive demo tape on YouTube. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's called Owen Smith Anonymous, and I was so, yo, I was stressed, man. | ||
| I lost a patch of hair. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Did you contact the DP and go, what the fuck? | ||
| I never did. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never did. | |
| How did you not? | ||
| That guy fucked you. | ||
| I just, I didn't pay the director. | ||
| To this day, I just didn't pay him. | ||
| I paid his crew. | ||
| I paid everybody else. | ||
| Biggest check I ever wrote at that time. | ||
| And I never... | ||
| What did you say to him? | ||
| I said, I'm not paying you. | ||
| I go, you know why I'm not paying you. | ||
| And I said, you had two shows to see this. | ||
| I could have done my whole act over without an audience. | ||
| Like, I knew it that well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Just to, you know, capture this. | ||
| And my whole purpose was to resell this. | ||
| You didn't listen to me. | ||
| It was this thing, because he had only done music. | ||
| He hadn't done comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| I knew every special. | ||
| And that whole year, every director that came and directed Everybody Hates Chris episodes, I would take them to lunch. | ||
| Because if I found out they did comedy specials, I would pick their brain on how to do them. | ||
| So I was very confident in what I needed. | ||
| And this didn't work. | ||
| And so that put me, like, I was scared to spend my own money on anything. | ||
| I was scared to do anything for 10 years. | ||
| And then I shot a special on iPhones. | ||
| I bought 10 iPhones. | ||
| We lit the place right. | ||
| I shot a comedy special, and then I returned the iPhones, videotape myself, returned the iPhones, and got my money back. | ||
| And I released that special. | ||
| We sent that to Netflix, and at the time, not the people who were there now, but the people who were there before, I heard, they just said I wasn't famous enough to have a Netflix special. | ||
| There's a lot of people that aren't very famous that have Netflix specials, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| Yeah, that could be argued. | ||
| That could definitely be argued. | ||
| And so that was another, you know, so I just put that up on YouTube. | ||
| It's called Good Luck Everybody. | ||
| Those are the two Oh, so those are available now? | ||
| Yeah, just go watch them. | ||
| And the one that you shot with iPhones? | ||
| Good luck everybody. | ||
| How much did that cost to shoot it all with iPhones? | ||
| It cost me... | ||
| I paid an editor, so if I didn't pay him it would have cost me... | ||
| Less than a thousand dollars. | ||
| That's a great deal. | ||
| Yeah, but the editor cost me... | ||
| That's a bargain. | ||
| Maybe eight grand? | ||
| Do you remember when Dave Vittell did something where he gave people in the audience cameras and let them film him? | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| That's a smart move, man. | ||
| Yeah, if you got something to say, it don't matter how the moment is captured, I feel like, if you're saying something. | ||
| Well, just doing something like that. | ||
| I mean, especially Dave. | ||
| Like, Dave is at his best. | ||
| Have you seen Dave Vittell? | ||
| He's at his best in these small crowds. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Small audiences. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he was at the improv last week. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| He went on dead last. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Audience is half gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody's tired. | ||
| He's still hilarious. | ||
| He's fantastic, man. | ||
| I used to go up after him a lot at the cellar and it was like, it was beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just the way he would. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I love watching him work. | ||
| He's a real, like a real master of his craft. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, and a real veteran. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, nothing's going to shake this dude. | ||
| No, and he's got so much material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So much. | |
| He's always writing, like constantly writing, you know? | ||
| Chain smoking and writing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| So yeah, so those are the two that I've done, but nah, not yet. | ||
| Hopefully somebody approached me because I have some stuff that I really would love to... | ||
| Yeah, man, we gotta get you out there. | ||
| We gotta get you out there. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, this store right now is so crazy how many talented people are there. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Theo Vaughn lit that place on fire last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dope. | |
| I don't want to tell any of his bits, but goddamn, he had me crying. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| There's so many people right now that are so good. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like the level at places. | ||
| Never before. | ||
| Never before. | ||
| I mean, I started there in 94, and the level was terrible. | ||
| There was a bunch of bodaks, a bunch of guys from the road. | ||
| They had started out there in the 70s, and they were still around. | ||
| They had the same act. | ||
| I mean, there was literally some people that started out there in like 78, and they were still floating around in 94, and they were just fucking terrible. | ||
| It was death. | ||
| And then somewhere around 2000 and maybe like 4 or 5 started picking back up. | ||
| And it was pretty good for a couple years. | ||
| Then I bolted in 2007 after the Carlos Mencia thing. | ||
| And I didn't come back until 2014. And now it's just hot. | ||
| I've never seen it like this. | ||
| Never seen this level. | ||
| There's so many funny guys. | ||
| The lines around the corner too are so inspiring. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And the store helped me tremendously, especially the OR, because you can't charm your way through a bit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You have to know what you came to say. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| I love that it challenges you as an artist to really... | ||
| Alright, yeah, okay. | ||
| Like, you can't giggle and be like... | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You see people try, too, and it's ugly. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's an audience filled with comedy nerds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a lot. | ||
| It's a different place now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It used to be, like, you'd get away with way more there. | ||
| It's now the level's so high. | ||
| It's just the expectations are so high. | ||
| It's great, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's the best place to build that muscle. | ||
| Because then when you go anywhere else, it's like... | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's running with weights on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But listen, man, I'm glad we got you in here. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| And I'm going to see you tonight. | ||
| And you're going to be on the benefit that we're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing it, yeah. | |
| From my friend Justin Wren. | ||
| That's December 6th. | ||
| That's sold out, folks. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's for the Fight for the Forgotten. | ||
| They build wells in the Congo, and that's going to be at the Comedy Store. | ||
| It'll be you and me and Tom Segura, Tom Papa, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Let's get it. | ||
| And Whitney. | ||
| Whitney Cummings. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Powerful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| We'll see you guys soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Owen Smith, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, what's your Twitter? | ||
| Tell people. | ||
| Owen Smith, for real. | ||
| Number four. | ||
| Number four real. | ||
| And Instagram? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Thanks, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. |
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