June 27, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:38:43
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey ladies and gentlemen, how you doing? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
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I got a bunch of shit going on. | |
| I don't know why I sing like that. | ||
| It's probably insecurity because it's not funny. | ||
| What do I do it? | ||
| Don't know what to do, so I just start singing. | ||
| I am at the ice house this weekend, but it's sold out. | ||
| Then next week and the 7th of July, I'm at the Ka Theater at the MGM with the great Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Next week after that, I'm in Salt Lake City. | ||
| That's sold out. | ||
| And then the next week after that, I don't actually don't get back in until Sacramento is when I'm on the road again. | ||
| That is the 3rd of August. | ||
| Sacramento and then Seattle on the 4th and then San Diego on the 5th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Got a lot of shit going on, folks. | ||
| JoeRogan.net forward slash tour. | ||
| I'm doing a lot of tour dates. | ||
| I'm all over the place. | ||
| I'm all over the place. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Came out this weekend to Minneapolis and Indianapolis. | ||
| Fucking great time. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I'm pumped up. | ||
| I'm fired up. | ||
| I'm focused. | ||
| It's very exciting. | ||
| This episode of the podcast is brought to you by NatureBox. | ||
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| I ate a whole bag of those the other day. | ||
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| rogan and we're also brought to you each and every episode by onit.com onit is a total human optimization company where we strive to provide you with all of the tools and inspiration and information that you need to get your fucking shit working at the optimum level what do i mean by that i mean things to optimize your mind um interesting articles on exercise motivational q a's | ||
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| extra energy through workouts but it it's not speedy like a coffee we got everything folks kettlebells all kinds of great shit go to onit.com use the code word rogan and save 10 off any and all supplements all right my guest today is my friend chris dahlia chris dahlia is a hilarious stand-up comedian and he has a new special that's out right now on netflix called man on fire and we had a great time he's a fun dude he's a silly goose and we had a we had a silly | ||
| old time. | ||
| So enjoy it folks. | ||
| Chris D'Elia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Man on fire ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Available right now on Netflix. | ||
| Pause this podcast and go watch to even better enjoy the comedic stylings of Chris D'Elia. | ||
| What's up buddy? | ||
| What's up man? | ||
| Dude your shit is out right now. | ||
| I know it's actually I'm so happy I'm doing this and we're gonna talk for a few hours because i can't stop checking my fucking phone on twitter like an asshole i know i know i i think I think, oh, I won't do it. | ||
| And then I'll be like, don't do it, don't do it. | ||
| And as I'm doing it, I'm thinking, I better not be doing it. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm doing it fucking right now. | ||
| You've got to have other activities. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know I work out, but then I do stand up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you're very dedicated to it. | ||
| You love it. | ||
| And when you love it, you think about it a lot. | ||
| When you think about it a lot, let me check Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Don't do it. | ||
| It's also such a safety kind of just move that you. | ||
| I mean, we've talked about this before. | ||
| It's just like fucking you got to put your phone down for a day sometime. | ||
| You know what I've been doing lately that has been more productive when I know I can't give in to the I go over my notes. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| This is what I find, man. | ||
| I find that like what I'm what I'm doing is just distracting myself. | ||
| Dude, I was talking about this on my podcast, man. | ||
| I used to think. | ||
| I used to just spend time thinking. | ||
| Like just spend time in my house or apartment just thinking about things. | ||
| I don't do that as much anymore because I just think, what did this fucking guy say on Twitter? | ||
| It robs you of your life. | ||
| Creativity, too. | ||
| It's like, I mean, it's hard to be prolific when you're just looking at your phone. | ||
| It does something to you when you just get mindless tweets and you're still looking at them. | ||
| It's like a numbing agent. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's not, I mean, because what are you going to see? | ||
| Somebody likes your special? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, good. | |
| Well, I do follow a lot of cool people that will post up some cool shit and sometimes articles and shit. | ||
| When people send me those, I try to retweet the ones that I think are interesting. | ||
| So there's a benefit to it there. | ||
| But the real, you get lost checking how people like things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How was that show? | ||
| Was that a good show? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Chairman Twitter. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| Like your time is better spent trying to do more stuff, like do more comedy, but it's a thief of your time. | ||
| It really is, dude. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| They're thieves. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I don't think we're designed for them. | ||
| No, I, you know, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what to do. | ||
| Do you ever see a person who's got epilepsy where they can't watch one of those animated GIF files? | ||
| No. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine, and I thought he was joking. | ||
| I didn't know he was being honest. | ||
| I had this message board, and on my website, message board, someone made me like this really flashy image for the face where it's like it turns on and off, you know, pulsates. | ||
| And my friend's wife has epilepsy, and he's like, dude, you got to take that down because if my wife looks at it, she'll have a seizure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Like a GIF? | ||
| Yeah, like an animated... | ||
| Gif or GIF? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I've never heard anybody say it. | ||
| GIF or GIF. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think I've ever said it. | ||
| It's a big debate. | ||
| It is a big debate. | ||
| JIF slash GIF. | ||
| But she can't even look at it. | ||
| If she looks at it, she will go into an epileptic seizure. | ||
| Well, how do you police that? | ||
| You just don't look online ever? | ||
| I guess they have to be real careful of what she sees. | ||
| I guess maybe if she turns away real quick, maybe she'll be okay. | ||
| I really don't know how it works. | ||
| Maybe she has to wear special glasses when she looks at online. | ||
| I don't know what's like, could you imagine you've got some sort of a weird misfire where just lights will make your body shut off? | ||
| It's like someone hacked your brain. | ||
| You could shut it off with some light, some flashing shit. | ||
| That's like some, yeah, that's like the superhero's weakness where you're like, we'll get him with flashing lights. | ||
| It's kryptonite. | ||
| Who knew? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Because kryptonite doesn't even work on us. | ||
| No. | ||
| Doesn't do shit to us. | ||
| No. | ||
| Superman's such a pussy. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And in one of the Superman movies, they didn't even have kryptonite. | |
| In the one Superman movie, but before the one before Superman and Batman, I saw it, and the bad guy didn't even use kryptonite, so you basically couldn't destroy Superman. | ||
| So I was like, so why the fuck is this movie even a movie? | ||
| Because people are stupider now. | ||
| They had to tone it down. | ||
| Like back in the Christopher Reeves days, you need to have like an antagonist, a protagonist. | ||
| You'd have a lot of people today like, I don't want Superman to ever get his ass kicked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because then there'll be some sort of group that finds it offensive. | ||
| Oh, that's true, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So these flashing things, when I found out about it, that flashing animated files, and then I found out there was a television show in Japan that they had to take off the air. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because all these people were watching it and having seizures. | ||
| In Japan? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I feel like every show in Japan is flashing lights. | ||
| I feel like they have a show called Flashing Lights. | ||
| They have the Flashing Light Network. | ||
| And they just can't stay. | ||
| I mean, isn't it? | ||
| Ec clip I've ever seen on Japan is like pink and blue and like. | ||
| Right, but what if all they saw of us is Fear Factor? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, that's probably what they would choose to watch. | ||
| But maybe they have some cool shit over there, but we're only seeing, you know, like when How many Donkey Dick can you a small? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Okay, the banned Pokemon episode that gave children seizures. | ||
| I mean, I thought the whole point of Pokemon was to give people seizures. | ||
| Oh my God, 700 children were on their way to the hospital after watching that. | ||
| 30 minutes after the show, 700 children went to the hospital for seizures. | ||
| Is that what it's really saying? | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Could you imagine a room of 700 people is like, you're killing, right? | ||
| If you have a stage. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Imagine if you had a stage. | ||
| I always think of it in terms of that, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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I always think of how many people in terms of like how big of a room would that fill as a stand-up. | |
| I got Ari Shafir to feel really good about his Twitter following back when he only had 2,000. | ||
| I go, dude, you have a fucking sold-out theater. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And he was like, yeah. | ||
| I go, you got a sold-out theater. | ||
| People are paying attention to you. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| I go, yeah, well, you're looking at Britney Spears. | ||
| You can't do that, man. | ||
| Fuck your head up. | ||
| She has 100 million, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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But yeah, there's something about... | |
| 700 people having a seizure in front of you. | ||
| Imagine if you were on stage and the whole audience just seizures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would just be like, whoa, I'm next level. | |
| Chris DeLeah, banned from New York. | ||
| He's just seizuring people. | ||
| We should have taped this one. | ||
| Dude, Dalia has his bit. | ||
| He strips down to his underwear. | ||
| His underwear are bright silver. | ||
| He starts doing cartwheels and people seize your. | ||
| I've never seen anything like it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That'd be a hell of a claim. | ||
| Well, you could probably pull something like that off. | ||
| I wonder if you could make someone seize her with comedy. | ||
| You would have to have some sort of backscreen on your punchline. | ||
| Your punchline. | ||
| You rip your track suit off, like one of those Velcro things that those basketball players have. | ||
| They pull their tear away. | ||
| And they pull their tear away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And underneath it, you have strobing lights on the punchline. | ||
| So you hit him with the punchline. | ||
| I said, yeah, there is. | ||
| My dick. | ||
| Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut, shut. | ||
| And just everyone with epilepsy just falls to the ground. | ||
| I wonder if it would be silent, though. | ||
| I like to hear the noise. | ||
| You wouldn't figure it out. | ||
| You would certainly hear thuds. | ||
| Imagine that, a group thud across the city. | ||
| You hear what the fuck was that? | ||
| That would be 700 people falling down on their heads. | ||
| Terrible for you. | ||
| Definitely don't want to do that. | ||
| Bad flashing lights. | ||
| But I don't like flashing lights anywhere there's flashing lights. | ||
| I'm not epileptic. | ||
| Anywhere there's flashing lights, I tend to avoid that place. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder what that's doing to you. | ||
| Like, maybe if it's a person like you or I who doesn't have epilepsy, maybe it's just a certain amount of time. | ||
| Maybe you can only endure a certain amount of time. | ||
| I would think so, right? | ||
| Because when they torture, you've seen those videos and shit where they like, I mean, not torture videos, but like reenactments or like things in movies where they're flashing lights and shit and torturing the guy. | ||
| That's part of it, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Depriving the senses. | ||
| Sensory deprivation, Chinese water torture. | ||
| Two with just little drips. | ||
| Drip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you read the John Ronson book, Men Who Stare at Goats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You've had him on here, right? | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| That book is crazy how they would torture people by playing like hip-hop music or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| There's been a, well, with Panama, what the fuck's that guy? | ||
| Manuel Noriega. | ||
| I think they used to play Death Metal. | ||
| I think they used to play, didn't they? | ||
| Like, Judge, Judge, by the way. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| But I get that, because if I'm in anywhere and then that happens, I leave. | ||
| I think they played Uptown Girl too from Billy Joel. | ||
| And I'm not kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think that was one of the things they did. | ||
| They played Uptown Girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a Baby Spears song, too, I think. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's Uptown Girl. | ||
| Bad PR or Good PR. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| One time you hear that song, you're like, oh, I remember this song. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I have a theory about that song. | ||
| What? | ||
| Billy Joel is an incredibly talented musician, but not the best-looking guy in the world. | ||
| Can we agree on that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Sure, right? | ||
| He's not Josh Tuhamel. | ||
| No, that guy's not. | ||
| He pulled that one out of his mouth. | ||
| No one's handsome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Who's another one that's like personal? | ||
| Josh Tamal. | ||
| Chris Pine. | ||
| Chris Pine. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good-looking guy. | ||
| Yeah, there's a good one. | ||
| And Chris Pratt, there's another one. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good-looking guy, yeah. | ||
| Great-looking guys. | ||
| Idris Elba. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Like how you added a little diversity. | ||
| I wanted to go a little hit. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| Handsome bastard. | ||
| Billy Joel is an average-looking fella. | ||
| And then he hooked up with arguably one of the hottest women that's ever been. | ||
| Christia Brinkley. | ||
| Yeah, and that just fucked him up. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, madam. | ||
| Yeah, that's where. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell her about it. | |
| Tell her everything. | ||
| He's too happy. | ||
| He was too in love. | ||
| He wanted to tell everybody the story. | ||
| Uptown girl, he's a downtown guy. | ||
| He wants to think of himself as like this rugged, attractive, rebel, bad boy on his motorcycle. | ||
| And she's this perfect featured supermodel with impossibly valuable eggs. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wrecked them. | ||
| Wrecked them. | ||
| Couldn't handle it. | ||
| But he got even bigger after that. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I hear what you're saying. | ||
| Dude, she was so hot. | ||
| But he's not. | ||
| She's still hot. | ||
| She's like 70. | ||
| My favorite is her in that Chuck Norris, what do you call it? | ||
| Total gym code. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| When they would do the little. | ||
| Dude, I would watch that info. | ||
| I love infomercials. | ||
| I watch them late at night. | ||
| And that was my favorite infomercial. | ||
| And then they remade it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I didn't like it as much as the original. | ||
| That's how much I watched. | ||
| Because the original was so good because Chuck Norris was like, let's just fucking get through this. | ||
| And Chrissy Brinkley was doing it really well. | ||
| But it was just so funny to see Chuck Norris' face during that. | ||
| And then he redid it and he figured it out. | ||
| He figured out how to do it a little better. | ||
| And I didn't like that. | ||
| Dude, I met Chuck Norris. | ||
| I met him a couple times. | ||
| This was the proudest moment of my life when Chuck Norris knew who I was. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Meeting Chuck Norris, he comes and gives you a big hug. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, Chuck Norris knows who I am. | ||
| Just the UFC, I'm sure. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, this was not that long ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I first met him, I think maybe it was 10 years ago. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 2007. | ||
| And then I met him again. | ||
| I think about two years ago. | ||
| I met him again. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I always think about guys like that that were like big, that got big off of like martial arts in the 80s and 90s. | ||
| And then the UFC came along and kind of made those martial arts, in a fighting sense, obsolete. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like if they would be that big. | ||
| I guess that's not going to happen anymore, really. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Like, kung fu movies are obviously more beautiful than what's that movie that Callan did the played you in. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Yeah, Warrior. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the thing about Chuck Norris, though, is that he stayed current. | ||
| Chuck Norris is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| Oh, he is. | ||
| Yeah, he's legit under the Machados. | ||
| And on top of that, he was a world champion kickboxer. | ||
| Right, yeah, no, no. | ||
| Chuck Norris was, like, he could grapple at a very high level, and he can was a world champion striker. | ||
| Chuck Norris is about as legit as any movie character tough guy. | ||
| About as legit as they've ever been. | ||
| Especially a guy who went on to do all these great movies. | ||
| Like Bruce Lee was a phenomenal martial artist and a brilliant guy in terms of how he put things together. | ||
| But as far as actual competition, Chuck Norris is the man. | ||
| I mean, he was the guy. | ||
| When I was a kid, dude, like Chuck Norris movies are the reason why I got into martial arts. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, he was huge. | ||
| He had jeans on with a special crotch. | ||
| He had a special crotch cut in the jeans so he could fucking sidekick you in the face and cowboy boots on. | ||
| I found out about action jeans late in life, and I was like, that was a fucking thing. | ||
| Dude, I basically wear them. | ||
| I mean, what I wear now is more ridiculous than Chuck Narris's action jeans. | ||
| Yeah, well, the times have changed. | ||
| I mean, I have jog jeans, which is like fucking their stretch. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm wearing, too. | ||
| They didn't have to be so much more comfortable. | ||
| They were way more comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, these were bullshit. | ||
| Like when you had a throat kick. | ||
| You could bind your legs. | ||
| When we would get pants, if I got pants, I always got pants that were too big for me, just so I could kick people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| I wanted to make sure I could kick people. | ||
| Just in case. | ||
| It never happened ever. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| It never happened ever. | ||
| My buddy, when I used to train, I trained when I was like 20 to 26, and my buddy was like, why do you do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, I don't know, just to protect myself? | |
| He's like, yeah, but what's happening to you? | ||
| And I was like, well, you never know. | ||
| And he said, yeah, you do. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, you're kind of fucking right, man. | ||
| Most of the time, you do. | ||
| He's kind of right, and then he's definitely not right all the time because obviously people get fucked up all the time. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But he's like, you kind of know where you're always going to be, and it's going to be fine. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| I know he was being general, obviously. | ||
| You never know what's going to happen. | ||
| But he's right in the sense that you put so much effort into self-defense and it almost never comes up. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Like getting like, wow, your whole life is preparing for something that never took place. | ||
| And then you get to a point where if you're known for it, like you, like, nobody's going to fuck with you. | ||
| So it's like, then it's definitely never going to happen. | ||
| Well, that's not true at all. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| You probably got fucking assholes that want to. | ||
| Guys, fuck with Chuck LaDell. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's so insane to me, yeah. | ||
| I mean, Chuck Liddell, if you ever look in his eyes, he has the eyes of a leopard seal. | ||
| Like, you look in his eyes, he looks like a drink. | ||
| He's a fucking straight-up predator. | ||
| Like, anybody talk shit, and he, by the way, super nice guy. | ||
| Like, don't get me wrong. | ||
| If you've met him on the street, he's the nicest guy. | ||
| He's super friendly. | ||
| I also saw his thing on Undisputed or whatever the hell that show's called. | ||
| Yeah, he seemed like a nice guy anyway. | ||
| Dude, I was at a club with Chuck Liddell way back in the day when Chuck was the UFC light heavyweight champ. | ||
| And some guy had said something to one of his friends. | ||
| It was like some douche moment. | ||
| Who knows what was going on? | ||
| Just a bunch of silly people. | ||
| And his buddies, everybody was meatheads. | ||
| There's meatheads on both sides. | ||
| This guy came over and said something, and Chuck Liddell stood up, turned around, and looked at him. | ||
| And this guy looked like he saw a fucking ghost. | ||
| He looked into Chuck's eyes. | ||
| He was like, there's a type of dude that you don't start fights with. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But meanwhile, still people fuck with him. | ||
| To this day, people fuck with him. | ||
| I guess it's kind of the equivalent as somebody going up to a comedian thinking that they're funny and doing a joke. | ||
| Some people are just clueless. | ||
| They will walk up to the scariest motherfucker on the face of the planet and start shit with him. | ||
| I ain't afraid of you, bitch. | ||
| There's got to be guys who do that to Aleister Ulram or Brock Lesnar. | ||
| People are retarded. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| All you got to do is shake one of these guys' hands and you're like, oh, you're a tree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unbelievable, dude. | ||
| I mean, you shake Tate Fletcher's hand, you're like, oh, you're a fucking, you're cattle. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, he's a small moose. | ||
| I mean, even you, dude. | ||
| Honestly, one of the times we've said hi, I shit you not, and I'm not blowing smoke. | ||
| We said hi. | ||
| We did one of these and one of those fucking side hugs. | ||
| My jaw hit your fucking shoulder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And for two days, I was like, I think it's okay. | |
| Dude, you got to get out more. | ||
| You got to check. | ||
| It's good for your jaw. | ||
| Get that bunch of people. | ||
| I mean, but like it just hit the wrong way. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Jaws are weak, man. | ||
| Jaws are stupid design. | ||
| It's the unfair part of the human body, besides dick. | ||
| Paul's balls, yeah. | ||
| Have you ever been dropped? | ||
| Have you ever been punched and dropped? | ||
| In the balls? | ||
| No, in the chin. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing, man. | ||
| I've been rocked before, but I got dropped once in a kickboxing fight, and my legs just gave out. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Like, it's never happened like that before, where it's like a switch shut off. | ||
| I was totally conscious. | ||
| I could see the guy. | ||
| It clipped my chin and my legs just stopped working. | ||
| They just went out from under me. | ||
| And see, I feel like if I got hit in the jaw with a foot, my jaw would just break. | ||
| Yeah, this was a punch. | ||
| I got hit with a left hook. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I just dropped. | ||
| But it was weirder than any time I've ever dropped before. | ||
| It just, it was, everything shut off. | ||
| But my brain didn't. | ||
| But my legs just stopped working. | ||
| And so did you remember it? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I never went unconscious. | ||
| I was totally conscious. | ||
| My body, like, once he clipped me, my body just wasn't working anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like, dude, we're not working right now. | |
| We got to take a break. | ||
| I tried to get up. | ||
| My legs were rubber, and I got up to my feet, and I covered up, and he hit me with a couple of uppercuts and dropped me again. | ||
| But the whole time, like, my body was just not working anymore. | ||
| Once he clipped me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like, even minutes afterwards. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, because I remember I couldn't move. | ||
| Like, I was trying to get up and just, it wasn't working right. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's got to be frustrating. | ||
| Well, if you get hit really hard there, then the whole thing just shuts off. | ||
| It's such a stupid design. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like it's relatively hard to knock someone out unless you hit, Like, people get caught in strange ways and they get knocked out. | ||
| Like, there's no science to when you get knocked out. | ||
| Well, also, you got to worry about when you're hitting the ground, too. | ||
| Like, that could fuck you up. | ||
| Well, there was a UFC fighter named Tim Haig who just died a week or so ago, right? | ||
| It's about a week ago. | ||
| He was in a boxing match, and apparently he had suffered quite a few knockouts in the last year or so, and they really probably shouldn't have been fighting at all. | ||
| And he got knocked out, and as he got KO'd, his head hit the ground hard because he was out cold. | ||
| He bounced off the canvas of the boxing ring, and it sounded horrible. | ||
| But it was even, even though it was canvas, I mean, that's hard, but still. | ||
| I think it's canvas over wood, though. | ||
| I mean, they only have like thin. | ||
| In a UFC bout, you got a good, thick, fairly thick canvas because there's so many takedowns and, you know, body slams and stuff like that. | ||
| There's a little bit of give to that floor. | ||
| But on boxing rings, it can be considerably stiffer. | ||
| And there's different schools of thought. | ||
| Like, some people like a really soft floor because it makes it harder for guys to run. | ||
| Like, it's almost like running in sand. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, and then also safer if you get. | ||
| Like more of a mat. | ||
| Yeah, more of a mat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the UFC is like a, it's like a mat surface. | ||
| But it's covered in canvas, which is kind of fucked up because you never grapple on canvas until you fight in the cage. | ||
| Then you get ripped up. | ||
| Everybody gets torn apart by the canvas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went back and did a. | ||
| You saw the video I did with Joel Gerson. | ||
| You know Joel. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I don't know if you guys met, but... | ||
| No, we never met, but I was a big fan of his. | ||
| He submitted... | ||
| Was it Sakurai? | ||
| No, it wasn't Sakurai. | ||
| Asian guy, right? | ||
| Ruminasato. | ||
| He submitted. | ||
| In Japan? | ||
| No, I don't think it was in Japan. | ||
| Maybe it was in Japan. | ||
| He went over to Saturday now. | ||
| But it was a huge deal because Rumen Asato at the time was one of the biggest MMA fighters in the world. | ||
| Pull that up if that's the case. | ||
| But it was mostly... | ||
| I think it's rumored... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because Joel said that he was like the, I can't remember what he was saying. | |
| He wasn't sure how practical his knowledge of fighting was until then. | ||
| Huh, that's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, because he got the guy in an arm bar after going right to the ground, and he was like, it was over right then. | ||
| you know what, man, there's dudes out there that you don't know that are fucking world-class. | ||
| The thing about jiu-jitsu is there's guys out there. | ||
| Yeah, that was it. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| How does this go down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not long, or I guess it's four minutes, but. | |
| I feel like this is the second fight. | ||
| I think this is the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he gets him down on the ground and does an arm bar. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| Didn't they fight twice? | ||
| Didn't they fight once? | ||
| Oh, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he fucked his arm up, obviously. | ||
| Oh, dude, that is incredible, man. | ||
| Oh, look how bad it's bent, man. | ||
| That is death, too. | ||
| Look how he squeezes with his calf against the chin and tucks his foot under the shoulder. | ||
| That dude has submitted a lot of fucking people. | ||
| So this guy was a big jiu-jitsu guy that he fought? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, Sato. | ||
| Well, Sato was a big MMA fighter, but known for his grappling. | ||
| And I think they fought again in a straight grappling thing, if I remember correctly. | ||
| But anyway, that was a giant win for that dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you did something with him? | ||
| No, I went to his class because, you know, I was in Toronto for like five weeks doing a movie. | ||
| What's the movie? | ||
| It's called Life in a Year, and it's a drama. | ||
| Dude, you're playing a drama. | ||
| You're being serious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even know which one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which will probably be funnier. | |
| Was it weird? | ||
| You know what's weird about it is, like, you know, I do so much comedy that it's so fun to do comedy because even in between your takes, you're still in that mood where you're fucking around. | ||
| But I was doing this movie where literally I'm taking care of Cara Delevine, who is dying of cancer. | ||
| And it's like so heavy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then in between takes, we're like sad. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like, it was work. | ||
| I mean, it was definitely, I definitely wanted to do it. | ||
| It was just. | ||
| Did you want to do it because it's a new thing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I wanted to do it because, dude, especially after my third, I had just filmed my third special and I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? | ||
| Another special? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I want to do something else. | ||
| I didn't want to do another sitcom because I did two of those. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I don't want to do the same thing over and over and over again. | |
| Right. | ||
| So that's why this, even on this special that just came out today, it's like I talk more about myself than I did in my first two, just because it's like, I don't want to keep making fun of the same shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hear you, man. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like doing different things is where you get new ideas from. | ||
| But that acting thing's a grind. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh, boohoo. | ||
| You complained about acting. | ||
| I work in a co-market. | ||
| I can't use my hands. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Just boring. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to disrespect it like that, but it's like, not that you're disrespecting it, but it's just like the shit we do is so exciting going on stage for an hour and everyone's listening and you're in control of the fucking mood. | ||
| But then when you're just like the fifth lead on a movie and you have one really great scene and the other scenes, you're just kind of in with four characters and you say shit like, oh yeah, I remember that or something. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, well, she was always a wild one. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Whatever the fuck you say. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| And you got to do that 19 times in a row because they got to shoot it from different angles. | ||
| And even though Cuba Gooding Jr. is in the movie and you're like, oh, it's cool I get to work with Cuba Gooding Jr. | ||
| That's cool for like four takes. | ||
| And then you're like, I'm fucking hungry. | ||
| Where's my phone? | ||
| And why is there no Wi-Fi in this bullshit? | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People, boo-hoo-hoo. | ||
| You get bored working with Cuba Gooding Jr. | ||
| By no means am I complaining. | ||
| It's just like I realize doing stand-up is just such a fast-paced, fun lifestyle. | ||
| I mean, and it's work too, but you know, it's like. | ||
| Well, you know what also it is? | ||
| Stand-up is you. | ||
| Like, it's just you. | ||
| You do what you want to do. | ||
| Whereas like these other things is, and that's a, you know, weird thing to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are like, well, you should enjoy working with other people and sharing creativity. | |
| That's great. | ||
| But there's something about like knowing that you put together your whole set beginning to end. | ||
| You figured out which way the shit should go. | ||
| And then like you go do somebody else's stuff. | ||
| You're like, this isn't as engaging. | ||
| Yeah, unless you're playing, for me, unless you're playing like a real character or like a, or something that's funny and you get to ad lib and fuck around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's. | ||
| But like. | ||
| Some people thrive on it. | ||
| Some kind of thrive on it too. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I mean, but to people. | ||
| People lose a lot of them. | ||
| They start, they just go to acting. | ||
| Stay over there. | ||
| Somebody was telling me recently that they were bummed out about how, and they, and it was a good point about how, you know, people like Fortune Feemster, who's hilarious, like, she doesn't have a special yet because she's doing so much acting work. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she's like a true comedian, I think. | ||
| She's really fucking funny, but it's like... | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| But does he act? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just is. | |
| Well, what the fuck is he doing? | ||
| Acid man. | ||
| Yeah, he's funny as shit, though. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's also nice as shit, man. | |
| He's the best. | ||
| But I mean, for a guy that is as advanced as he is, he should absolutely have a special. | ||
| Diaz should have another special for sure. | ||
| Especially because everybody has a special now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, they shouldn't even call them specials anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're a thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe it's an hour. | ||
| Just call it an hour. | ||
| Diaz is going to do one on Netflix. | ||
| Oh, he is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fucking guy, Joey. | |
| Joey Diaz coming to Netflix. | ||
| That guy is so funny. | ||
| I wonder if I'm not supposed to say that. | ||
| I might have made a scoop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you're wrong. | |
| I fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I'm wrong. | |
| Maybe you're wrong. | ||
| Maybe I just made it up. | ||
| Maybe you just fucking are saying shit. | ||
| Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you're high. | |
| Could be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy's so fucking funny. | ||
| I think in bursts, no one's ever been funnier. | ||
| The burst that Joey Diaz can create on stage, I've never heard anybody funnier. | ||
| He hurts my cells. | ||
| Like your bone cells hurt from laughing. | ||
| He's like, like him, Brody makes me laugh hard. | ||
| just because he's... | ||
| Holtzman is. | ||
| I mean, that fucking has killed me. | ||
| There's unknown ones, man. | ||
| It's mostly the unknown ones. | ||
| Well, they're free. | ||
| And people don't know what to make of them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But them unknown ones, man. | ||
| There's a ton of those guys. | ||
| There was that one guy from Long Island. | ||
| What the fuck was his name again? | ||
| Bob. | ||
| Didn't we do this already? | ||
| Didn't we do this before where we were trying to figure it out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bob Nelson. | |
| No, not Bob Nelson. | ||
| Bob Nelson. | ||
| Wasn't that guy with the boxing gloves? | ||
| Yes, Jiffy Jeff's Jim. | ||
| Yeah, he would hit himself. | ||
| I mean, how much comedy has changed. | ||
| Imagine doing that now at like 10-15 after you or me. | ||
| You can't even have props anymore. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day with Judd Apatau. | ||
| We were like, it used to be like a legit form of comedy, like prop comedy. | ||
| I even feel like guitar, you can't even bring a guitar nowadays. | ||
| There's a few of those guitar writers out there, right? | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| Yeah, it used to be a fucking hard thing to follow when some dude rocked out with a dirty song. | ||
| That's a different thing, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if someone killed with a dirty song and then you had to go on after him, like, damn, I can't follow this dirty song. | ||
| But those guys, there were like a bunch of those guys that would do shit like Harry Basil with the movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that shit killed. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| I mean, dude, up until 2010, I would see the guy at the Laugh Factor and be like, these people are dying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't seen him recently, but. | ||
| No new kids coming up have a big bag of fucking Santa Claus bag of props. | ||
| Like I'm trying to bring some shit. | ||
| The Grinch. | ||
| When the Grinch stole all the toys from the town. | ||
| Imagine having to bring a bunch of shit, though. | ||
| That's one of the things I love about not being a musician. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know how people say, like, comedians secretly want to be rock stars? | ||
| Dude, I couldn't think of... | ||
| Anybody who says that is never killed. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| A rock star? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get out of here. | |
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| That seems like a lot of work. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Plus, you got to be like with your bandmates all the time. | ||
| You get all your nerves. | ||
| Like, you can't work with other people. | ||
| Like, we can work with other people. | ||
| Like, you and I can do a gig together on the road, and the next week you could do a gig with Cal or someone. | ||
| And no one goes, hey, what the fuck, bro? | ||
| We're a team. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| There's no like comedy teams like that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Oh, that's just like the movie thing. | ||
| You're on your own. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have to deal with other people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You brought a new drummer, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to take a chance in San Francisco with Mike. | |
| Fuck that, man. | ||
| I always play the drums, man. | ||
| His fucking band is a single unit, man. | ||
| No. | ||
| You would have to be like a singer, singer-songwriter, like a Gary Clark Jr. hires his own people. | ||
| Like if Gary Clark's Jr.'s drummer is like, fuck this, I'm out of here. | ||
| People are like, all right, man. | ||
| Yeah, you have to do it. | ||
| I'm sure you're good. | ||
| It's all about the lead singer, though. | ||
| I mean, unless you become like maybe the lead guitarist or something, or like the violin player in the Dave Matthews band. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he was kind of. | ||
| See, then even there, though, it's still the motherfucking Dave Matthews band. | ||
| You got a problem with that, son? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| But that's when it gets deep. | ||
| That's like a dictatorship. | ||
| When it's like the Dave Matthews band, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, right? | ||
| But when it's like rush, the Rolling Stone. | ||
| Or even kiss, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kiss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got to have those people in there. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You can't switch the cat out for a fox. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's not cool, man. | ||
| That's true, though. | ||
| I never thought about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you name it something, then everybody's kind of the group. | |
| Everybody's in there. | ||
| If you're a heartbreaker, though, you're gone. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah, you're gone. | ||
| You know what you are? | ||
| You're a guitar. | ||
| And I can buy anyone. | ||
| Charlie Daniels band, motherfucker. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve Miller. | |
| Does it say Charlie Wilson? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says Charlie fucking Daniels, Charlie, because it's my band, you piece of shit. | |
| Yeah, NWA, you can't get rid of fucking one of those guys. | ||
| You can't get rid of any of those guys. | ||
| Yeah, and all those guys became, except for maybe one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look what happened. | |
| I know, I know. | ||
| When David Lee Roth left Van Halen, and Van Halen's named after Van Halen. | ||
| How about that shit? | ||
| Eddie fucking Van Halen is the lead guitarist. | ||
| David Lee Roth left and everybody went goddamn crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it's Van Halen. | ||
| It's too weird of a name. | ||
| Even though it's your last name, it's not the Eddie Van Halen band. | ||
| Because if that was the case, I'd be like, okay, cool, I get it. | ||
| Different people, it's like Carlos Santana. | ||
| Different people sing for him sometimes. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But it's still the Carlos Santana band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just don't be a fucking heartbreaker, man. | ||
| But Van Halen seems like a thing. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't even, I guess I didn't even put it together that it was his last name, even though I knew that. | ||
| It's like a vehicle, like a Van Halen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a strong name. | |
| It's like a Hindenburg. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Rogan, that's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dahlia's not a good one. | |
| They got the apostrophe fucks it all up. | ||
| Yeah, the apostrophes are weird. | ||
| Why are we still using no? | ||
| Do we forget how to talk? | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to. | |
| Yeah, you don't have to tell me how to fucking pronounce it. | ||
| Just drop it. | ||
| By the way, it makes it worse because people are like, Ilielia. | ||
| People add fucking L's and shit. | ||
| When you go to like a restaurant? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what the worst is? | |
| Is when I pull into a gate, you have a meeting anywhere, and you got to give everybody this thing. | ||
| And then they say, you're not in this system. | ||
| And I'm like, try it with or without the apostrophe, whichever one you didn't do. | ||
| And then they're like, there it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every fucking time. | |
| Every fucking time. | ||
| You should change your last name spelling to D-D-D-H-H-A-H-L-E-E-A-H. | ||
| I don't know if that's a little bit of a little bit of a double. | ||
| Dahlia. | ||
| Dahlia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I was little, when I was little, I told my dad, I was like, can we get rid of the apostrophe? | |
| I was young. | ||
| I was like 12. | ||
| And he was like, huh? | ||
| And I was like, it's just, it sucks. | ||
| Like, I feel like, like, what is it? | ||
| Like, people always mispronounce it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, you should be proud of that. | |
| And I was like, I'm not. | ||
| And then, and then, and then, I remember thinking, I'm not. | ||
| It's just impossible. | ||
| 13. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, and then, and then I started to like it, you know, because I'm like, yeah, I guess it is my name. | ||
| Fuck it, you know. | ||
| But when I was little, I wanted to change. | ||
| I remember asking my parents if I could. | ||
| I mean, this is embarrassing, actually. | ||
| I remember telling my parents that I wanted to change my name to Damien Monroe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yes. | ||
| Imagine if you're not. | ||
| That's your whole name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to change your whole name from Chris Dahlia to Damien Monroe. | |
| Imagine if my name was Damien Monroe. | ||
| You would have hated me immediately. | ||
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| I know it because you're open-minded. | ||
| Yeah, but Damian Monroe. | ||
| I'm Theo Vaughn. | ||
| That's a pretentious name ever. | ||
| My name is Theodore, Theodore Vaughn. | ||
| But think about, but think about, this is why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't even know why I wanted to name it Damien Monroe. | |
| Because this is so embarrassing. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because Damien was, is the devil, right? | |
| And then Marilyn Monroe was like pure in my head. | ||
| So I was like, you have both. | ||
| So this was like a showbiz name idea? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't get very far with it. | ||
| How old were you this time? | ||
| Yeah, same age, like young. | ||
| I was like, well, I could call my, I just named myself Damien Monroe. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Imagine now, I would hate that. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I mean, we all do stupid things as a kid, and I didn't get to do that. | ||
| Obviously, my parents wouldn't have let me do that. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| I was a fucking weirdo, man. | ||
| I would ask my parents, I would ask my parents because I always sat like this at the dinner table, and I asked them, I was like, I was like, can you call me crazy legs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I remember thinking, like, that would be cool. | |
| Like, if my family called me crazy legs. | ||
| Hey, it's Damien Crazy Legs Monroe coming at you. | ||
| And then they were like, and my dad was like, no. | ||
| And I was like, but just like maybe just at least at the dinner table, I remember saying that. | ||
| And you would be like, I'm not fucking calling you crazy legs. | ||
| You need you Chris. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, so funny kid shit. | ||
| That was even younger. | ||
| The crazy legs thing was like, I was probably like nine. | ||
| God, kids' ideas are so stupid. | ||
| They're so dumb. | ||
| They're so fucking funny. | ||
| I remember these women laughing in my face once at me trying to be cool and I was like 12. | ||
| I had these fucking sneakers on. | ||
| I mean, I don't know, like they were like these brown suede sneakers. | ||
| And I went through a period of time. | ||
| This is very embarrassing. | ||
| I went through a period of time when I was like 12, 12, 13-ish, where I got really into Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I even tried chewing tobacco at that age, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Dude, they would sell you chewing tobacco when you were a little kid. | ||
| You could be 12 and just buy chewing tobacco. | ||
| For whatever reason, that wasn't like cigarettes. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| You could just buy chewing tobacco. | ||
| Like, I bought it. | ||
| I didn't have to hide it. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I don't even know how they let you. | ||
| But it would come in this wallet-looking brick, and you open it up and you break a piece off, like real old-schooly fucking Clint Eastwood-style chewing tobacco. | ||
| I was retarded, okay? | ||
| So I had these shoes on that were like a brown suede. | ||
| They were really goofy looking. | ||
| And these next door neighbors, we rented a house. | ||
| It was me, my sister, my parents, and then one of our friends, the friend of my dad's, rented one of the rooms in the house. | ||
| Like it had this upstairs. | ||
| And then next door, it's like a very small house. | ||
| And next door was another small house. | ||
| And these young kids lived there, like the downstairs people, they had a band. | ||
| And they were fucking horrible. | ||
| But they were like super committed. | ||
| So they'd practice all the time. | ||
| And they had carpet everywhere, man. | ||
| Like you would go down in the basement. | ||
| And what they had done is taken like 30 or 40 sheets of carpet and like made doors and packed the walls. | ||
| And they essentially turned the basement into like a practice thing. | ||
| But you could hear them super clear. | ||
| And, okay, I remember. | ||
| The band's name was Death in the Shopping Mall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| And the song called My Baby is a Mutant. | ||
| You remember this? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I got a crazy memory, man. | ||
| And so these guys be like, my baby is a mutant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| My baby is a mutant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| My baby is a mutant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's okay. | |
| I love my baby anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My baby is a mutant. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I can't even remember this shit. | ||
| They're fucking practicing, blowing their eardrums out. | ||
| They were cool as fuck, though. | ||
| They let me go over there and watch when I was 12. | ||
| They let me go and hang out with these guys. | ||
| One of them scooped ice cream. | ||
| He had giant forearms. | ||
| And everybody was like, look at his forearms, man. | ||
| He scoops ice cream. | ||
| Like, the dude scoops ice cream all day, so he had these jacked forearms. | ||
| And all the, like, young kids, like, 12, would be, like, scared of this 19-year-old dude with his giant forearms because he's scooping ice cream all the time. | ||
| But they were all super friendly. | ||
| But there's these two freaky-looking girls that would hang out with them. | ||
| And, you know, when you're 12, you're like, oh, I can't believe I'm running the girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I have these stupid sneakers on. | ||
| I say the girl. | ||
| I go, she goes, nice sneakers. | ||
| Like, she's kind of mocking me. | ||
| I go, yeah, I don't like colors in my sneakers. | ||
| It turns me off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they burst into laughing. | |
| Not laughing like they exist at something funny. | ||
| But like, look at this fucking dork. | ||
| And I'll never forget the feeling when I said it. | ||
| Like, yeah, I don't like colors in my sneakers. | ||
| It turns me off. | ||
| Like, the feeling of like, oh, you fucking moron. | ||
| So you thought you were being cool. | ||
| And quickly, while you were saying this sentence, you're like, oh, this is not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I realized. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I was 12. | ||
| You realized, as you're saying it, like, how stupid I am. | ||
| You really get checked by the opposite sex when you're that age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, there was one time, I can't, like, remember Hi-C? | |
| Yeah, the drugs. | ||
| I mean, it's probably still around. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But obviously, I don't drink it. | ||
| But there was grape. | ||
| That's them? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| They have a YouTube video? | ||
| Oh, this is a song called Purpose. | ||
| Wow, Death in the Shopping Malls has a fuckin' These guys are 80. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, it says that this was in 1981. | |
| Oh, they recorded it in 81? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So that was right around the same time because 81 was where I went to high school in 81. | ||
| So that would make sense. | ||
| That was like, so I was, I guess I was 13. | ||
| But, dude, that's two years later. | ||
| We're talking about in like 79. | ||
| In 1979, I'm pretty sure that was the age I was. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| Because I was 13. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it was right when I first moved to Boston. | ||
| We were living in Jamaica Plain. | ||
| We were living on... | ||
| If I remember the name of the street, it would help. | ||
| But anyway, that haunted me. | ||
| Those girls laughing in my face haunted me for years. | ||
| I still think about it. | ||
| I think about shit like that that you carry with you. | ||
| Sometimes there's shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but sometimes it's just like that's, I mean, nothing. | |
| But what happened was you were too young to have dealt with a situation like that yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So that was why you remember it. | ||
| Because you were still, oh, this is a new, oh, God. | ||
| Also, I was aware, right? | ||
| Personally aware of how ridiculously stupid I sounded. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which. | ||
| I got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But as a kid, you don't have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, so the first few times you've. | ||
| That's the same age, you changed your name to Damian Monroe. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| So we're both forgiven. | ||
| I remember with the, I had the, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like I did the funeral. | |
| I had a high C, I was at kindergarten, or yeah, kindergarten, I think. | ||
| And it was before first grade, whatever that is, kindergarten, I guess. | ||
| And the high C straw. | ||
| It was grape high C, I remember. | ||
| And I squeezed it wrong, and it shot up on my face. | ||
| And I was with a table where there were girls there, and it was lunchtime. | ||
| And I remember thinking, oh, it's probably purple on my face around my eye, like Kiss or something cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And wait. | ||
| And so I was like, Kiss is cool. | ||
| Like, I'm going to just chill with it. | ||
| And just, because it happened by accident. | ||
| So it's not like I tried to do it. | ||
| So these chicks are just going to see me with this cool purple thing on my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I mean, same age? | |
| No, kindergarten. | ||
| Oh, however old that. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| So young as shit and thinking all these thoughts and then thinking, oh my God. | ||
| And then thinking, I can't wait to like Mac on these girls. | ||
| You were macing on girls in kindergarten. | ||
| I mean, it was whatever, but it was before first grade. | ||
| That's kindergarten. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So kindergarten, yeah. | ||
| Mrs. Antoine's club. | ||
| And so. | ||
| So you got grape soda. | ||
| So like on your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grape, not even soda, just the juice, you know what I mean? | |
| And I remember thinking, like, I remember leaving it there, and it was very sticky because it's high C and it's candy, basically. | ||
| So, and I was like, but leave it, though, because it's cool. | ||
| I remember thinking, like, just stick with it because it's very cool. | ||
| And finally, it was so sticky that I was like, I hope that this is like paying off because I got to wipe my face. | ||
| And so I asked the girl, like, really insecurely, like, next to me, I was like, hey, I was like, is it like all purple on my face? | ||
| Like, but like wanting it to be purple, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, and she just goes like this. | |
| No. | ||
| And then I was like, can I go to the bathroom? | ||
| And I washed my face. | ||
| When you went to the bathroom, did you have to go to the bathroom? | ||
| And then I looked at my face. | ||
| It was just my face. | ||
| Zero purple. | ||
| But those were actual thoughts that this idiotic fucking kindergartner had. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, oh, I look like a rock star is what I thought. | ||
| There's moments you can remember when you're just a little kid where you're so fucking stupid. | ||
| They will haunt you deep and shit. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I think about that all the time. | ||
| I think about it all the time. | ||
| It's probably shaped me. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It definitely has. | ||
| Like, one ass kicking in high school could turn you one way or the next, left or right. | ||
| Some people have been bullied in high school and it fucked them up for the rest of their life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean. | ||
| And even before high school, like junior high and grammar school and shit, some people just never recover from it. | ||
| It's a weird inclination that people have. | ||
| Well, bullies. | ||
| Like in schools, like for find one kid who's fucking nervous and start fucking with him. | ||
| Yeah, that's very good to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are you going after school, Nelson, besides sucking my dick in the woods? | |
| I never understood that. | ||
| A big giant gay dude who wants you to suck his dick in the woods. | ||
| You got to go to high school with him, fight him off every day. | ||
| Your parents don't believe you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I loved always making fun of people, but not bullying. | ||
| Yeah, you know. | ||
| Well, I think there's a lot of kids who get physically abused at home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think that's a big factor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they get their power back from it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's physical bullying that way. | ||
| But then there's psychological bullying, too. | ||
| And then there's a certain amount of natural pecking order shit that kids do to each other. | ||
| They're competitive with each other, and one will say something shitty, and the next will say something shitty back. | ||
| And then they form fucking teams. | ||
| See, we're against Chris. | ||
| Chris, a piece of shit, right? | ||
| You know, and then you're like, you know what, man? | ||
| Mike and I, we're just fucking, you guys got to pick a team. | ||
| You know, Team Chris or Team Mike. | ||
| Lions, bro. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of animal behavior. | ||
| Like, I have chickens, and one of my chickens, like, one of them, something goes wrong. | ||
| Like, the other ones start fucking with it. | ||
| They peck at it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You have chickens because you eat them? | ||
| No, I don't eat the chickens. | ||
| Oh, you just have to. | ||
| I eat their eggs. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Which are non-fertilized, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| All you crazy vegans out there not getting enough protein, look in the eggs. | ||
| Get yourself some chickens. | ||
| They're your pets. | ||
| They're going to run around. | ||
| You can even, if you want to, you feed them vegetarian diets, which you really shouldn't because they're not vegetarians. | ||
| They're little fucking dinosaurs, bro. | ||
| But the thing is, when they see something wrong with one of the other ones, it's a real problem. | ||
| One of them gets injured, the other ones start pecking at it. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes you think that that's how we are secretively. | ||
| Well, I think at our base level. | ||
| But I think what is so, like, what's interesting about all these anti-bullying campaigns is that they didn't exist when we were younger. | ||
| And whether you or not you make an argument for people figuring out how to get along through the natural methods that we've always encountered, like finding good people and bad people and finding who you like and finding out about your own behavior and how it affects other people. | ||
| Either way, what I think is going on is we don't want people to fuck with people anymore. | ||
| And I think in the old days, everybody just accepted that people fucked with people. | ||
| And now we realize we're going older. | ||
| But what's crazy is that we're figuring this out as a culture in the last 20, 30, whatever the fuck years it's been. | ||
| Human beings have been around forever. | ||
| But It's social media, though. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Because now everything is exposed. | ||
| It is that, but I think it was on its way there just through traditional methods like books and regular media and colleges and universities. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why college and universities are so important for changing thought, especially were. | ||
| They're kind of in a fucked up place now, but there was a thing where you would leave your environment and go to this new environment, right? | ||
| And this new environment would be filled with intellectuals, filled with people that are trying to change the world. | ||
| And you'd be exposed to ideas you never got before. | ||
| And so through those ideas, then you learn a bunch of shit and then you go out with this idea that you're going to go do this or you're going to go apply your knowledge now there or get a degree here. | ||
| And everything would sort of compound and your understanding of the world would be far better than the people that came before you because just the fact that humanity has accumulated 20, 30 plus years of information since the time your parents were in school, right? | ||
| So all that aside, as that goes by, that gets you a certain way. | ||
| It gets you a certain amount of steps past the barbarians and the fucking Romans, all the psychopaths of our history. | ||
| But now, once social media kicks in, now everything's accelerating in a way we can't even control. | ||
| It's completely out of everybody's hands. | ||
| That's why trigger words and safe spaces and everyone's going fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too fast for us to catch up with, I feel. | ||
| But it's moving in the right direction. | ||
| Like even all the ridiculous trigger words, safe spaces stuff, all that stuff is like, the inclination is to be nicer. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good thing for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some of it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's not well thought out. | ||
| Like you're better off having people communicate than having safe spaces. | ||
| You're better off figuring out a way to make people just not shitty to each other and screaming and yelling at each other. | ||
| Find a better method of communicating. | ||
| But the point is, it's like they're moving in that direction. | ||
| They're moving in a really good direction. | ||
| Even these ridiculous liberals that shut down that evergreen college and they're going nuts and they didn't want white people to show up for work for a day. | ||
| Their inclination is probably correct. | ||
| They just want to balance things out. | ||
| And when things, right now they feel like black people are still in a bad position as far as racial injustice. | ||
| And by pushing white people down, they're going to balance the black people out. | ||
| But they just don't understand humans. | ||
| That doesn't work like that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Or we're breaking it down, Crystalia. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Man, I'm fire. | ||
| Is it hard picking a name for you, Special? | ||
| For this one, it was not. | ||
| Because you have a bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, I find it difficult. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was actually, before yours came out, I was like, man, somebody should do like trigger warning or something. | ||
| Yeah, I just. | ||
| That's a great title. | ||
| I did it because I knew it would upset some people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's who you are, though. | ||
| And that's what that, I mean, you talk about all the things that would trigger somebody. | ||
| Well, I just talk about what's ridiculous about those things. | ||
| And with that special, particularly, I knew the Bruce Jenner bit. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this one's coming home hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They need a trigger warning. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I'm a physical comedian. | ||
| I don't even know how you made that bit work. | ||
| With the chair and all that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but I mean, not even just that, like the build and everything. | |
| It was just like. | ||
| It became a bunch of different things. | ||
| Like it started out. | ||
| It started out a little different. | ||
| It started out, you know, it was a little more calm. | ||
| And then I realized like, you know, like the only way this is going to work, like where people are going to really think I'm a demon. | ||
| Because I try to think, this is a fucking goofy thing to admit. | ||
| But when I'm doing that bit, I used to do this bit about tigers fucking. | ||
| And one of the key to the bit, I figured out the key to the bit at one point. | ||
| The key to the bit was to think like a tiger and to move like a tiger. | ||
| Not think of myself as a comedian. | ||
| When I did that bit, I was thinking of myself as a demon. | ||
| Like I was thinking of myself as a cardano that kicks off. | ||
| So then my inclination was to just climb on the stool and just like and get in this weird sort of golem hunched over stance. | ||
| Plus I figured because I'm really flexible, it'll look weird. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, it'll look strange, you know? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Sometimes my opener is like, how do you do like the act outs like that? | ||
| And I'm just like, you just believe that that's what you are for a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so dumb, but yeah. | ||
| But if you could do it, if you could pull it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, you ever see Jimmy Schubert's bit about eagles mating? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a hilarious bit. | ||
| But when Schubert's doing it, because eagles have this crazy thing where they fuck while they're flying. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And when they fuck, they stay connected until they come. | ||
| So like sometimes they don't make it. | ||
| They fucking crash into the ground and die. | ||
| Which is hilarious. | ||
| But his bit, you know, he's like, and like while he's doing it, even though you know it's Jimmy Schubert, you're thinking, oh, he's thinking like an eagle. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| He's an eagle right now. | ||
| He's in his element. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Is that a truck backing out? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| That's for sure not too loud, right? | ||
| I mean, that's so loud, yeah. | ||
| We're indoors. | ||
| Who are they trying to protect? | ||
| We're nowhere near that truck. | ||
| Is this how you get your money? | ||
| They just back up this truck? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| Yeah, everything has to be white, white M ⁇ Ms. I want white demos, white socks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want new sneakers every day of the week, son. | |
| I saw a rapper yesterday got a Papa Smurf diamond encrusted chain, man. | ||
| They're just trying to outdo each other. | ||
| You know what I've been thinking of doing? | ||
| I've been thinking of living two separate ways. | ||
| I'm thinking of getting a cabin in the woods, right? | ||
| Where I live like I have a well, solar power, just chill out there for half the year. | ||
| The other half of the year, I get the dopest house I can afford in Beverly Hills, just walk around in furs everywhere. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Cover myself in diamonds. | ||
| So you sunglasses outside at night always. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So you, half the year you're one, half the year you do the other? | ||
| A limo with my face on it. | ||
| You make the driver wear a mask of you. | ||
| I'm going to get a grill that I could only put on for six months a year. | ||
| So at six months, they take the grill off and then I go back to being the woods guy. | ||
| I'm just bored being one person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, I think, you know, I mean... | |
| Well, yeah, because look, Tupac had the songs about how lift our women up, and then he would be the other guy and be like, fuck bitches. | ||
| Yeah, it's very confusing. | ||
| He figured it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was a poet, and also he was a reporter. | ||
| He was reporting on what's going on in the streets. | ||
| Are you not? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm bipolar. | ||
| I just want to do it for six months out of the year. | ||
| You just want to have fun, though. | ||
| Six months out of the year. | ||
| Oh, this is what I'll do. | ||
| I'll get a crib in downtown L.A., like one of them penthouse cribs where you're overlooking the city. | ||
| Yeah, with a pool on the deck. | ||
| Would your family be with you both times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fuck are you talking about, bro? | ||
| One of the half of the year. | ||
| No, I'm a different dude. | ||
| I'm a different dude. | ||
| Oh, okay, I get it. | ||
| I don't even have a family anymore. | ||
| Look, I saw a video of a guy where this guy said he was trans age. | ||
| He was a young girl. | ||
| He identified with being a young girl. | ||
| He was like a 50-something-year-old man. | ||
| And he identified with being a young girl. | ||
| He has children. | ||
| They let this guy dress up like a young girl, and people were accepting it. | ||
| His family is accepting it. | ||
| He was talking to people. | ||
| He's saying how he really feels. | ||
| What's to stop you from being a totally different person? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| To identify as like a Korean. | ||
| Just identify as a different guy. | ||
| Like right now, you identify as Chris Dahlia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tim. | |
| I'm Tim now. | ||
| What about that other character? | ||
| What's Damien what? | ||
| Damien Monroe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, was I ahead of my time? | ||
| You might have been ahead of your time. | ||
| This is what I'm thinking. | ||
| You could be, this is the guy. | ||
| Trans woman lives her life as a six-year-old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has a family, has children. | ||
| That's someone's daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So how old is the girl that he thinks he's six? | |
| So what was he doing six years ago? | ||
| Still the guy? | ||
| Six years ago, he hadn't been born yet, bro. | ||
| So can he... | ||
| Is he ever turned seven? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He's always this. | ||
| He always identifies as a person. | ||
| So age is irrelevant. | ||
| Dude, okay, you can't age someone just like you can't gender someone. | ||
| You piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're such a shitload. | |
| I know I am. | ||
| God, that's him as a woman. | ||
| But what about he's going to die one day? | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| He will be six forever. | ||
| He called it. | ||
| So there he was. | ||
| He had a gang of kids and then fell on his head or something. | ||
| What caused it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe just decided. | ||
| So if you can do that, you can do that. | ||
| That's who you identify with now. | ||
| You're a girl. | ||
| You could change your name. | ||
| You could change your name. | ||
| You're Becky now. | ||
| I'm Becky. | ||
| I'm Caitlin. | ||
| I want you to be the, I'll be nine instead. | ||
| Well, I don't mind going to six, so I've been six ever since. | ||
| Well, whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know what to make of that. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Okay, listen to this nonsense. | ||
| Well, I have a mommy and a daddy, an adopted mommy and a daddy who are totally comfortable with me being a little girl. | ||
| And their children, and their grandchildren are totally supportive. | ||
| In fact, her youngest granddaughter, when I was eight, a year ago, she was eight, so she's getting older. | ||
| When I was eight a year ago, I was eight and she was seven. | ||
| And she said to me, I want you to be the little sister, so I'll be nine. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And I said, well, I don't mind going to six, so I've been six ever since. | ||
| Well, so now he's just changing it, though. | ||
| We are living in a world of nonsense. | ||
| I mean, you can't just change it. | ||
| So he doesn't identify with it if he just keeps changing it. | ||
| I'm not even going to have real diamonds on my grill. | ||
| I'm going to tell everybody they're real, but they're going to be cubic zirconias. | ||
| Because, no, it's food's going to get caught in them. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| It doesn't have to be real diamonds. | ||
| It could be like they identify as real diamonds. | ||
| Platinum on the outside, though, for sure. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For sure, platinum. | ||
| And then I get it taken off every six months, and I become. | ||
| Woods guy. | ||
| Woods guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm into it, man. | ||
| I'll vouch for you. | ||
| I'd be like, no, he's two people. | ||
| Did you tell me you can't be a different person? | ||
| You could totally be a different person. | ||
| You feel different a lot during the day. | ||
| You feel like one way. | ||
| Some morning you're sad, and then at night you're like, oh, this is a great life, you know? | ||
| Remember that bittersweet symphony song? | ||
| I'm a million different people from one day to the next? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a bitter bittersweet symphony this life. | |
| Remember that? | ||
| Not the way you're singing it. | ||
| Well, the vaccine sounds like shit. | ||
| But there was a band called The Verve, and it was a great song. | ||
| Yes, I know the song, The Verve. | ||
| But they lost all the money because the opening riff sounded just like the Remember Stones. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I heard something recent similar to this. | ||
| Did you know that song, I'll Be Missing You, that Puff Daddy made about that. | ||
| Sting has made all of the money from that song. | ||
| Yeah, every breath you take. | ||
|
unidentified
|
$160 million. | |
| How much? | ||
|
unidentified
|
$60 or $70 million. | |
| Just in that one song, he doesn't share it with the police. | ||
| It's just his money. | ||
| The police, see, that's where he fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| The police. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, but it wasn't stinging the edge. | |
| No, dude. | ||
| You can't be the edge. | ||
| That's you two, right? | ||
| You two have got the edge. | ||
| What's the edge? | ||
| You call yourself the edge, bro. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| A band? | ||
| That's one of the guys in the band. | ||
| Oh, he calls himself the badge. | ||
| And he's a white guy. | ||
| He's a white guy, and he calls himself the edge. | ||
| Hey, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Definitely no. | ||
| Yeah, don't. | ||
| You can't be a the thing. | ||
| I just love when rappers are like, that's why they call me fucking the edge. | ||
| And you're like, you asked people to call you that, dude. | ||
| That's why people call you that. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| They call me the love professor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, they don't. | ||
| They call me, when you say they call me, I stop listening. | ||
| Yeah, they call me the psychological coordinator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| That's a good one. | ||
| That could be one of your guys that is a little woods guy. | ||
| Psychological coordinator. | ||
| I just sit and write books on people. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| I've viewed them on television. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, why can't you be a different person? | ||
| If you can identify as being, just decide I'm nine or I'm six. | ||
| Did you see the one about the guy who identifies as an alien? | ||
| Oh, no, he wants to have his 10-year-old cut off because he wants to be an alien. | ||
| Well, he's done his whole body. | ||
| He's spent a ton of money. | ||
| Is he the he? | ||
| You're not allowed to say he. | ||
| Can we say Z? | ||
| Z. What would you say? | ||
| Z. Z has spent a ton of money. | ||
| Z has fake lips and done some nutty shit to Z's eyes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| $50,000 at over 100 procedures, first of all. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Because that means each procedure is how much? | ||
| You've done 100 procedures? | ||
|
unidentified
|
50 divided by 100. | |
| Or $50,000 divided by $100. | ||
| How cheap are these fucking procedures? | ||
|
unidentified
|
$14 each. | |
| Yeah, this is ridiculous. | ||
| 100 Procedures. | ||
| If the procedure is $1,000, it would be $100,000. | ||
| So you've done 100 procedures at $500 each? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make it like a $5 for $1. | |
| Dude, plastic surgery is fucking expensive. | ||
| That's one of those things, it's like a burger. | ||
| You want to pay the most. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, otherwise. | ||
| I mean, unless he's got a friend. | ||
| Just $100,000 or $50,000 on $100. | ||
| Look at his lead right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's from taking so much dick that your cave caves in. | ||
| It's like when they drill for coal and they don't do the proper seismic studies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he doesn't have a vagina or a penis. | |
| She's an alien, whatever. | ||
| Z. Z's an alien. | ||
| Z's trying to become a genderless alien. | ||
| It's an interesting look. | ||
| I mean, why not, man? | ||
| You know, people want to get their face tattooed. | ||
| Why not get wacky and do this? | ||
| And who the fuck am I to judge? | ||
| My arms are covered in tattoos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I mean, fucking, if it makes the person happy or the alien. | |
| Who am I to judge? | ||
| Like, I've got art all over my arms. | ||
| But keep that picture up, man. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You want to keep it to yourself? | ||
| By the way, do you... | ||
| Let me see the top one. | ||
| No, the top one. | ||
| The face one. | ||
| Is it the weird face one? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The one like, yeah, the top, top one. | ||
| That one is fucking trippy. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| What is Z doing to Z's eyes? | ||
| Well, Vinny is makeup artist Vinny O, 22 from Los Angeles, California. | ||
| Oh, has plans costing over $160,000 to become a genderless alien. | ||
| He's already spent $50,000. | ||
| Oh, there's 10 photos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are those contacts? | |
| Is it going to be contacts? | ||
| Oh, those are the photos, Scott. | ||
| It might be contacts, but it might also be That is normalish. | ||
| What kind of pain do you have to be in to want to be genderless? | ||
| A genderless alien? | ||
| But who am I to judge? | ||
| Who is anybody to judge, Crystalia? | ||
| Wouldn't this world be better if we didn't exist? | ||
| You and I wouldn't exist. | ||
| We wouldn't have a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like that Brett Ernst joke when he's like, who could judge? | |
| Only God could judge me. | ||
| He's like, no, a judge can judge you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a funny joke. | |
| That's a good joke. | ||
| I think he does that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's so stupid. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| People get that tattooed on them. | ||
| They're like, yeah, shit. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The judge can judge. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You fuck up. | ||
| That's why right before the tattoo, I'm like, before I get this done, is there anybody else who could judge me? | ||
| I mean, be honest with me. | ||
| Hey, bro, nobody could judge you but God. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, judge is an occupation. | |
| Oh, wait. | ||
| What? | ||
| It is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Did you know that a chiropractor is not even a doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How come I did not get a doctor? | |
| Did you? | ||
| I love tattoos. | ||
| I always wanted to get tattoos, but I just don't be scared. | ||
| It's just what if I don't like it later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Right. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Just go to a good tattoo artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but what if I'm like, oh, I love... | |
| The guy who did me is a gentleman named Aaron Delavadova from Guru Tattoo in San Diego. | ||
| And he's just a world-renowned tattoo artist. | ||
| He does the style of tattoo that I like, like big, bold, lots of colors and stuff. | ||
| He's just, so I got lucky that I got. | ||
| It took a long time, though. | ||
| I had to wait and get an appointment. | ||
| And this one took like, I want to say this one took like 50 hours. | ||
| And this one took like 40. | ||
| So you got that all done. | ||
| You got that all done. | ||
| Yeah, at once. | ||
| No, in pieces. | ||
| In pieces. | ||
| But for eight hours, then I'd come back again. | ||
| They would do like one part for eight hours. | ||
| I understand that, but that whole thing was a design. | ||
| It wasn't like, oh, wow. | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| Because usually a lot of people just add to it. | ||
| I started small, right? | ||
| I had this little idea, and he was like, it's like you have too much shit you're trying to do in this one little thing. | ||
| I was like, hmm, so what, should I go like half sleeve? | ||
| He's like, let me draw you up a half sleeve. | ||
| And then I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| Let's just go all the way in. | ||
| So all of a sudden, then you were tattooed. | ||
| Yeah, all of a sudden. | ||
| Well, it took more than a year. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But it seemed like when people like sort of piece them together, like one little tattoo at a time, there's something about big pieces. | ||
| Like when someone has a big flowing piece, like if you're going to get something done, it's all like personal choice. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| You just have your arms? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They don't bother me. | ||
| I always think they look cool. | ||
| Like, you know, even Conor McGregor and shit, like, that looks cool. | ||
| He's got fucking wacky ass. | ||
| He's got a gorilla on his neck. | ||
| On his neck, you know? | ||
| A gorilla with a crown. | ||
| But it's like cool. | ||
| It's him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Are you going to pay money to see that fight? | ||
| I got to see that. | ||
| I mean, I don't really follow it too much, but I got to see that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would see. | ||
| I would say, yeah. | ||
| I would definitely watch it. | ||
| I'm working that night. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to avoid finding out about the fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you can watch it, yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's no hell to not find out. | ||
| I'm in D.C. that night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I got to figure out how I can watch it without finding out what happened, if that's a possible way. | ||
| But what about what do you think? | ||
| Do you have an idea what's going to happen? | ||
| I think Floyd Mayweather is going to win a boxing match. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| It's like how he's going to win and whether or not he's challenged and whether or not he's put in danger. | ||
| He could be put in danger, for sure. | ||
| If Connor puts, Connor's got to put himself in danger and he's got to be confident enough to like, he's got to get a hold of him. | ||
| I think he's got to rough him up. | ||
| He's definitely not going to win a straight boxing match against the best boxer ever. | ||
| And I don't think he thinks he would do that either. | ||
| I think what he wants to do is clip him. | ||
| Just go after him, make a big sprint right away, try to clip him, try to hurt him, try to rough him up. | ||
| The more the time goes on, what happens with a guy like Floyd is he starts, I mean, he's been boxing for so long. | ||
| He starts doing things and then anticipating your reaction to those things, timing you. | ||
| He'll do things not even so that he could hit you, but to see how you react and how fast you are. | ||
| And maybe if he did this and then came over the top, or maybe if he did this and stepped over here and hit you with a left hook, and he gets it in his head and he starts moving around, and he puts you in like, he sort of like has these parameters for your movements, almost like he's a supercomputer. | ||
| You see like Anderson Silva used to do that too. | ||
| You could see him like measure timing. | ||
| He would see how you react. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| He would just drop that front Kick on your face or something like that. | ||
| He just sees that there's an opening there. | ||
| He knows how fast he can execute a technique. | ||
| He knows how fast after watching you move for a while that you can move. | ||
| And he knows whether or not you can get him, whether you can get to him. | ||
| Like how fast are you? | ||
| So once Floyd has those numbers in his head, then you just get your face boxed off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then you get your face boxed off. | ||
| It's so interesting that a guy can be so good at that and work so hard and not get brutally ruined to the point and then become a champion. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's a bunch of factors. | ||
| Through all the training and shit. | ||
| I mean, obviously guys get hurt and then can't become a champion. | ||
| To be that guy that's gotten to that point is just amazing. | ||
| Floyd's got a bunch of factors on his side. | ||
| One, his uncle is a fantastic former professional boxer. | ||
| Roger Mayweather, the black mamba. | ||
| He was a world champion. | ||
| He was a bad motherfucker, and he would starch guys with one punch. | ||
| But he had a totally different style. | ||
| And then his dad, Floyd Mayweather Sr., fought Sugarade Leonard and had a really good fight against Sugar Aid Leonard. | ||
| If I want to remember, he was stopped late in the fight. | ||
| I don't remember when. | ||
| So his dad was an outstanding boxer. | ||
| His uncle was an outstanding boxer. | ||
| And he grew up boxing. | ||
| So he grew up knowing technique at a very early age. | ||
| When you know at a really early age, you can get really good at it because you can get good at it later. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking unicorns, like people that don't make any sense. | ||
| But when you're young, you don't hit that hard. | ||
| So you and your buddies can hit each other and you don't hurt each other. | ||
| So you learn how to box and you don't have the consequences. | ||
| If you learn how to box and you're 180 pounds and you're boxing other dudes that are 180 pounds and you're fucking savages and you're throwing lead at each other, boxing's scary and dangerous. | ||
| But when you're a little kid, you can't even hurt each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what actually Joel Gerson was saying that it's way easier to teach kids how to like throw. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because, you know, your body fucks up when you're 200 pounds trying to throw somebody else 200 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, when you're 40 pounds, you're throwing another 40 pounder. | ||
| No one gets hurt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Floyd's just as good as they've ever been in terms of boxing. | ||
| He's got a unique style. | ||
| He doesn't take a lot of damage. | ||
| He's the best defensive boxer of all time. | ||
| In terms of the amount of time that he gets hit, nobody gets hit less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't know much about boxing or fighting at all, but I have to, I mean, I got to see that. | |
| It's a freak show. | ||
| It's not a boxing match because Connor doesn't have a lot of boxing matches. | ||
| It's not like we're looking at Canelo Alvarez when he was challenging Floyd and we're going, hmm, you think Canelo can get to him? | ||
| Well, we can go back and look at this fight. | ||
| He did really well. | ||
| You can't look at anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You can't look at anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't the wind, the stamina, I mean, like a boxer's stamina, he's got to go 12 rounds, right? | |
| True. | ||
|
unidentified
|
UFC is what? | |
| Five rounds for a championship fight, but it's five, five-minute rounds with kicking and wrestling. | ||
| It is fucking way easier to go three minutes boxing than it is to go five minutes of MMA. | ||
| Fucking way easier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess I didn't know that. | |
| I've only done grappling and shit. | ||
| No comparison. | ||
| Not that I've done either one of them professionally. | ||
| But I'm just telling you, as far as the amount of work that you put out in a three-minute round of just using your hands versus wrestling, fighting off submissions, getting your legs kicked, kicking, all those things require tremendous amounts of energy. | ||
| I think UFC athletes are some of the most conditioned athletes in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They got to be a little bit more. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| High level. | ||
| When you get to a Mighty Mouse level, that guy can go five rounds full clip and never get done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy, I mean, we were talking about that guy. | |
| How much he gets hit? | ||
| Dude, nobody hits Mighty Mouse these days. | ||
| He's on such another level right now. | ||
| He's several levels past. | ||
| Mighty Mouse, Demetrius Mighty Mouse Johnson. | ||
| Who are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Asian guy. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who was the Asian guy that kept getting punched in the face? | |
| We talked about him. | ||
| Are you talking about the Korean Superboy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Duho Choi? | ||
| Yeah, that was the crazy fight with Cub Swanson. | ||
| Totally different fight. | ||
| Mighty Mouse is the pound-for-pound best fighter in the world. | ||
| He's the UFC flatweight champion. | ||
| Duho Choi is one of the most exciting 145-pound contenders. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he had a fucking crazy fight with Cub Swanson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was crazy. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because they were playing that at the comedy store when it was on TV. | |
| Yeah, that was a crazy fucking fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all about whether or not Connor can hit him. | ||
| And he probably can't hit him. | ||
| I mean, just you got to be honest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably cannot, you're saying? | |
| Probably cannot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably cannot. | ||
| I mean, Floyd has been doing this for so many years. | ||
| Yeah, he's the defensive boxer. | ||
| It's a different world, man. | ||
| It's a different world. | ||
| There's no leg kicks. | ||
| There's no takedowns. | ||
| There's no, it's a different world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it you that was saying, somebody was saying something about how Connor has something, has the one thing over Floyd that nobody's ever had over him, and that's that he can say, I can kick your fucking ass. | |
| Yeah, I can fuck you up. | ||
| Is that your chance? | ||
| Yeah, it is me. | ||
| If there was an MMA fight, it would be look, Connor has a chance in a boxing match because he knows how to box. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, Floyd has no chance in a box. | |
| Floyd has zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Zero. | ||
| It's leg kick to take down, to smash, to strangle every day all day for the rest of your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baseball player in the Octagon. | |
| Yeah, because he even can't even punch him if Connor's kicking him. | ||
| Like if they just let Connor kick, if they said, okay, listen, you can't do MMA, but you can kick. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm putting all the money on Connor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| 100% of it. | ||
| 100 fucking percent. | ||
| You let him kick? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How many leg kicks do you think Floyd Mayweather Jr. can take? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even if he's blocking. | |
| Dude, Connor's going to sidekick his knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the legs. | |
| Yeah, that's the worst thing. | ||
| He's going to fuck his legs up. | ||
| He's never going to get close enough to hit him. | ||
| He's going to sidekick his legs. | ||
| He's going to sidekick his body. | ||
| He's going to, I mean, there's no chance. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| But first, take the legs away and no chance for Connor. | ||
| Not no chance for Connor, but boy, if you have money, boo, who you betting on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember the first time I felt a kick to my leg. | |
| I couldn't believe how hard it is. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Dude, there was this guy named Pedro Hizzo that was one of the top UFC heavyweights, fought all over the place. | ||
| And he used to leg kick guys, and he was this big fucking Brazilian dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just UFC a long time ago. | |
| Way back. | ||
| And he would submit guys just by kicking their legs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He would break your leg. | ||
| He would break your leg. | ||
| His leg kicks were so heavy. | ||
| You would hear them like ringside. | ||
| It would just sound different. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| This guy's going to let him kick him. | ||
| No, this is not. | ||
| Oh, he's going to low-kick a journalist. | ||
| He's going to hold the pad. | ||
| Yeah, that's Pedro his own. | ||
| No, don't do it. | ||
| He's going to let him kick his leg. | ||
| No, look at the size of Pedro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's giant. | |
| He's huge. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a journalist? | |
| This guy's going to let him do that? | ||
| Come on, they're not going to do it. | ||
| Dude, he could just, that's not even an exaggeration. | ||
| He touched you like that with his leg, and you have a Charlie horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm not kidding, dude. | ||
| He was a gorilla. | ||
| He's the hardest leg kicks I've ever seen because he was a big-ass heavyweight. | ||
| Is this guy going to hold a pad or what? | ||
| He's going to go flying. | ||
| No, my lad. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| This is going to be awful for him. | ||
| Even with the pad. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Come on, son. | ||
| That dude just flew through the air and flipped and landed on his face. | ||
| And it didn't look like it was nothing for him, for the other guy. | ||
| Dude, that's how hard Pedro Hizzo kicks. | ||
| You got to understand. | ||
| There's no way that was 100% either. | ||
| Oh, it probably was. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, let me see it again. | ||
| The dude flew through the air. | ||
| That was a 170-pound man. | ||
| He went flying through the air. | ||
| That guy flew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's really funny. | ||
| He was terrifying. | ||
| At least he went with it. | ||
| He fought Rico Rodriguez. | ||
| Rico was one of the top UFC heavyweights at the time. | ||
| And he hit him with a leg kick. | ||
| Whop. | ||
| And you could see the look at Rico was like, what in the fuck is that all about? | ||
| He just had a different amount of power. | ||
| It was like George Foreman punches, but with the legs. | ||
| Just had a totally different thing going on. | ||
| Were you a big fan of boxing back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Huge UFC and all that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| I still am. | ||
| I still am a big fan of boxing. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Boxing is exciting because when you see a guy like Sergei Kovalov versus Andre Ward, like the last fight, you're seeing the margin of error that each guy is operating in is so small. | ||
| And it's just two things. | ||
| It's just left hand, right hand. | ||
| Those are two weapons, right? | ||
| And the margin of error that you have when one guy's an expert at punching people in the face and the other guy's an expert at punching people in the face and you're moving around trying to find your openings and these like world-class top of the food chain guys are trying to smash each other with their punches and that's all they have to rely on. | ||
| So in making something like very limited, to me, especially because I watch so much MMA, it becomes interesting because I'm like, okay, now I don't have to think about leg kicks. | ||
| You don't have to think about takedowns. | ||
| All I have to think about is which guy, you know, like which guy is going to be able to solve this puzzle. | ||
| And it's very fascinating to me. | ||
| To the point where people, I like fights that people get mad at. | ||
| Like they go, that fight sucked. | ||
| Because they thought it wasn't exciting or whatever. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, that's why I've always been a fan of Floyd Mayweather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because of what he's able to do defensively. | ||
| Like nobody can do what he does. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an amazing defensive boxer. | ||
| I mean, every fighter should watch him. | ||
| Every fighter should learn just like how he could stand right in front of you, too. | ||
| I mean, we stood right in front of guys. | ||
| Just fucking. | ||
| There was a video on YouTube I was watching where the guy was like, I want to show you guys the head move that I'll just make sure. | ||
| I won't even block, but that's how I'll never get hit in the head. | ||
| And he goes up to random people on the street and he's like, hey. | ||
| I've seen that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, go ahead and try to punch me for like a minute and I'm not going to block. | ||
| And the guy was like, okay. | ||
| And then he just never gets hit in the face because he's doing this fucking head bop. | ||
| Yeah, but he's got to find the right guys. | ||
| Well, I mean, he's not finding professional boxers. | ||
| You roll up on Deontay Wilder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| All right, I'll do it. | ||
| But still, I mean, you know, that's interesting. | ||
| I wouldn't have thought about that. | ||
| Yeah, a guy who can move his head like a Floyd Mayweather or a Vasily Lomachenko, like that kind of guy. | ||
| A guy who can stand right in front of you and you can't hit him, that's one of the most terrifying guys to face. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| You can't hit him. | ||
| He's just not there. | ||
| And then he's hitting you all the time. | ||
| And you're getting frustrated and killing him. | ||
| And you're getting winded. | ||
| You miss a punch. | ||
| And you realize you're caught in a spider web. | ||
| You're slowly getting lit up. | ||
| That's what's going to be interesting, too, to see what happens to Connor if he does find himself in the web. | ||
| If he finds himself in the web. | ||
| Whether or not he tries to distance himself from Floyd and stay on the outside, whether or not he tries to clinch up with him and bully him, or whether he does something really confusing that Floyd doesn't expect. | ||
| His coach, John Kavanaugh, the guy who's coached him in MMA, very, very smart guy and a brilliant tactician. | ||
| And together their team is, I like their approach, a very, very unique approach. | ||
| And one of the things they do is they come up with these really unorthodox training routines because his statement that really rings true with me is he says, we want to upgrade the hardware or upgrade the software without damaging the hardware. | ||
| Kavanaugh says this? | ||
| Yeah, so they do a lot of drills instead of constant hard sparring. | ||
| And the idea is that when you do hard sparring all the time, the problem is it's hard for experimentation because you get punished if you fuck up. | ||
| And it's hard to download new stuff. | ||
| And then the other hand, doing things like just doing drills over and over again can get kind of boring. | ||
| So they come up with all these innovative ways to incorporate new kind of movements. | ||
| And a lot of it's weird. | ||
| Like they throw cards at him. | ||
| He's got this guy who throws cards at him and he punches the cards out of him. | ||
| I've seen that one. | ||
| I don't know how effective, if at all, that is. | ||
| But it's a freak show. | ||
| That's what's exciting. | ||
| I mean, the crazy thing is, what if fucking Connor wins? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Then that's kind of bad for boxing, honestly. | ||
| It's awesome for Connor McGregor. | ||
| Oh, it's great for him. | ||
| I don't think it's bad for boxing because Connor McGregor can box. | ||
| I mean, he really can box. | ||
| The question is, can he box with Floyd Mayweather? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's a big difference, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, then Connor McGregor is the biggest star. | |
| Ever. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| If he knocks out Floyd Mayweather, he's the biggest athlete of all time. | ||
| He becomes, first of all, in Europe, he becomes the king of Europe. | ||
| They just give him crowns and they make a castle for him. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Dude, if he knocks out Floyd Mayweather, he is literally probably the most popular athlete of all time. | ||
| He might surpass like, he's in Muhammad Ali levels, right? | ||
| I mean, he's already, he's already. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Muhammad Ali was probably, it wasn't our time, but I think he was probably at a totally different level because Muhammad Ali also represented the civil rights movement. | ||
| He represented the resistance of the Vietnam War. | ||
| He lost his license to fight for three years. | ||
| It's a story. | ||
| Yeah, he's a symbol of a generation. | ||
| Connor is just an amazing fighter. | ||
| So take away Muhammad Ali, and I think he's probably on his way. | ||
| But if he loses and he gets embarrassed by Floyd. | ||
| Even still, it's not his sport. | ||
| He's got nothing to lose. | ||
| I mean, he's making $100 million anyway? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I'm sure it's a ton of cash. | ||
| So many people are going to be watching. | ||
| How could it not be? | ||
|
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|
The craziest thing about Connor is that four years ago, nobody knew who the fuck he was. | |
| I mean, that's crazy. | ||
| That's like, there's no profession where, like, all of a sudden, you're that big of a star. | ||
| But it doesn't even exist in MMA. | ||
| You got to understand. | ||
| Nobody else does that. | ||
| It's just him. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| He's that big. | ||
| How old is he, by the way? | ||
| He's like 28. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 28, 29. | ||
| I tweeted him when he won the Cage Warriors title, or he might have been defending his title. | ||
| I think it was Cage Warriors. | ||
| But he flatlined some dude. | ||
| I was like, this kid's fucking good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and I tweeted him, congratulations, and I said, I hope to see you in the UFC someday. | ||
| And that was like 2013. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, that's because of Access TV. | ||
| Shout out to Access TV, formerly HDNet. | ||
| They had so many good fights online. | ||
| Actually, maybe it was the internet. | ||
| It might have been on the internet. | ||
| Actually, now that I think, caught your fight. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Looks sensational. | ||
| Hope to see you in the UFC someday. | ||
| That's cool, man. | ||
| God. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| 2013, January of 2013. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But to think that he tweeted that then and then and then now he's the biggest fighter on the planet. | |
| God. | ||
| That was before he even came there. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So basically you're saying he rose so quickly because... | |
| Yeah, I got you. | ||
| He's something special. | ||
| And he knocks people dead. | ||
| You know, everybody except Nate Diaz. | ||
| Nate Diaz, that just shows what a bad motherfucker he is. | ||
| He's the most underutilized fighter in MMA, period, in terms of his star power, capitalizing on it. | ||
| I don't think the UFC even knows how fucking huge Nate Diaz is. | ||
| And Nick, his brother Nick. | ||
| Branding wise, you're saying? | ||
| Everybody loves those guys. | ||
| They're fucking characters. | ||
| They're like an American version of Snatched. | ||
| That's fucking funny. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Is it Snatched or Snatched? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Snatched. | |
| Snatched was the Goldie Hahn Amy Schumer one, right? | ||
| I get confused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there's another Snatched? | |
| Snatched is maybe like a TV show on the ID channel or some bullshit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I was snatched. | ||
| It'd be great if it was either alien abductions or a guy who works on pussies. | ||
| I'm a pussy doctor. | ||
| I like to trim them extra legs. | ||
| Today is Snatched. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're cleaning up this wide pussy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| A pussy doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But that guy, to me, Nate Diaz looks like fucking a guy you don't fuck with. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| People don't realize how big Nate is in between fights. | ||
| Motherfucker's walking around like 200 pounds. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| He's a big fella. | ||
| Big and super good dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So how did he fight? | |
| Oh, he just leaned out to fight Connor. | ||
| Yeah, he just, well, they fought at 170 both times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, that's so much weight to lose. | |
| As a 200-pounder? | ||
| Yeah, but you do it slow. | ||
| You know, you do it over the course of, you know, like I'm sure he's carrying some body fat now. | ||
| When he got down to 155, he's fought at 55 before. | ||
| When he fought at 55 before the Connor fight, he fought Michael Johnson, one of his best fights at 55. | ||
|
unidentified
|
155? | |
| Dude shredded at the weigh-ins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, you should see him. | |
| He looked insane in that fight. | ||
| Like, for the weigh-ins, he was obviously in, like, crazy, crazy shape. | ||
| Smokes weed, by the way. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Well, yeah, everybody thinks that weed makes you lazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Well, no. | ||
| I mean. | ||
| Lazy makes you lazy. | ||
| You smoke weed. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Shredded. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that from that fight? | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Boom, son. | ||
| That's a mean-looking motherfucker. | ||
| He doesn't have no fat. | ||
| He's had some sensational UFC victories, too. | ||
| I mean, the guy should be... | ||
| I'm sure he made a shitload of money on the rematch. | ||
| But now what, though? | ||
| What's he going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Louis. | |
| Wow, Connor right there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Look at his body. | ||
| You could set him up with some good fights. | ||
| That was when Connor was like severely dehydrated. | ||
| That's a 145-pound picture, I believe. | ||
| Yeah, it's fight night. | ||
| Yeah, so that was a 145-pound picture. | ||
| And that was before he had the notorious on his abs. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| Fucked up, man. | ||
| Dude, had vicious abs. | ||
| Just scribbled on them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But yeah, when you see him at 170, like when he fought Eddie Alvarez at 155 or May Diaz, he's the 155 champ now. | ||
| What's really fucked up because he was the 145-pound champ, and then he just left the title, won the 155-pound title. | ||
| So now he had two world titles in the UFC, and then he just, they sort of take the, see that picture right there. | ||
| He's way bigger there. | ||
| Yeah, jacked. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's the Nate Diaz rematch. | ||
| He was jacked. | ||
| But how tall is he? | ||
| Or something tall, right? | ||
| He's 5'9. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Nate Diaz is... | ||
| Oh, that's the Alvarez fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So that's him at 155, actually. | ||
| The Nate Diaz fight. | ||
| Well, I bet they're real similar in sizes. | ||
| That's the Nate Diaz fight? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Look at his lats. | ||
| No, that's Alvarez because he's jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says Diaz McGregor on the. | |
| Oh, does it? | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| UFC 202. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, so that makes sense because he's 170 in this one. | ||
| I mean, look at that tattoo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's not. | ||
| I would have said, hey, man, you can put that somewhere else. | ||
| Put that shit on your back or something. | ||
| Don't fuck up your abs son. | ||
| But, you know, when it comes to personalities. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Personalities and fighting. | ||
| Yeah, see the difference? | ||
| Damn, he looks different, huh? | ||
| Yeah, he was so sucked in for that first fight. | ||
| Like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| On the top, he looks like a guy that would yell at you on the street corner. | ||
| Yeah, like a crazy person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're on the bottom. | ||
| His face is nice and full. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like it's gonna kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's um, he's gonna make a lot of money. | ||
| Whether or not he could beat that guy, yeah, either way, huh? | ||
| It's gonna be fascinating to see. | ||
| It's gonna be fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And also, isn't that not to talk about this too much, but isn't it quick? | |
| Isn't it like soon to have the like they didn't have time to train? | ||
| Exactly, which is what I think what Floyd wants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Floyd was probably in great shape. | ||
| And I think actually, it's probably good to do it this way. | ||
| I think they prepared for it for quite a long time before they actually committed to it. | ||
| I hope, at least. | ||
| I know he was preparing. | ||
| He didn't take any MMA fights. | ||
| Didn't even think about it. | ||
| It is kind of soon, though. | ||
| August. | ||
| Just around the corner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wish it wasn't working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also, can't they make so much money if they waited? | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| This is such a freak show. | ||
| I think they might be playing it right. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, yeah. | ||
| Because this ain't some thing like you're going to plan out for six months. | ||
| People might lose steam. | ||
| Yeah, maybe you're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe you're right. | ||
| You know what's the most dragged out fight of all time? | ||
| What? | ||
| Jean-Claude Van Damme was going to have a, was it a kickboxing fight? | ||
| I think it was a kickboxing fight with some cat, some Thai guy who won the gold medal in the Olympics. | ||
| And they went around for years posing, having like face-offs and shit. | ||
| And never did it? | ||
| Never did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, he had the best reality shows. | ||
| Jean-Claude Jean-January was my favorite. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| That Volvo commercial or whatever the fuck it was? | ||
| Oh, and he's got his legs spread between the two trucks. | ||
| I don't think that's real. | ||
| I mean, you could definitely do the splits, but I really don't think they would. | ||
| Well, but either way, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| God, that guy. | ||
| I remember I watched Street Fighter twice in one day. | ||
| Was he in Street Fighter? | ||
| He was the guy, a guile guy, yeah. | ||
| I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass. | ||
| So Ord, he would say. | ||
| So Ord. | ||
| That fucking killed me. | ||
| He said Ord. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, they got him a statue in Brussels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Powerful Jean-Claude Van Damme. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| So happy. | ||
| Sunglasses. | ||
| Doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a character. | ||
| He's got Russia. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Just looking at Jean-Claude Van Damme has to have like he looks like a guy who would have the darkest sexual life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like has a wife blow security right now. | |
| Oh, makes the wife suck his stick. | ||
| Wow, that's a good thing. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| Well, that's how he looks. | ||
| And he has his sunglasses on when it's nighttime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| You're telling me? | ||
| Come on, look at him. | ||
| Look at him right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blow security right now. | |
| That's it. | ||
| I know guys who have had that happen where they were with a guy and the guy wanted his wife to suck their dick. | ||
| A friend of mine said that this guy was coaching his wife through sucking his dick and he had just met the two of them that night. | ||
| That's some different. | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| I mean, like, what is it? | ||
| You get bored or what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Or is that like a thing that is with you before that and then it just comes out? | ||
| Because that's What is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| Like, it can't be, it can't be one day you're just like, you know. | ||
| Suck his dick. | ||
| You know, it's not like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has to be with you before that. | |
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Might be. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| You know, it's one of those things where you got to think, why does it bother us? | ||
| Well, here's the deal, man. | ||
| Being in an open relationship is different than watching. | ||
| Well, yeah, but still, why does it bother us? | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| Why does it bother us? | ||
| But it does. | ||
| For the most part, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that somehow or another, you could blow a fuse and then you're right next to a guy going, you like that, huh? | ||
| Honey, honey, work the balls. | ||
| But suck one of his balls. | ||
| Do the thing I like. | ||
| Put your hand like him. | ||
| Jerk your hand off like where your fingers are facing him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's a fucking weird thing. | |
| It's super weird. | ||
| Because I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| It's a power thing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a power thing. | |
| I guess it's also like I'm a freak thing. | ||
| It's like we're being naughty. | ||
| We're doing something dangerous. | ||
| We're rebels. | ||
| We're something. | ||
| What are we? | ||
| I mean, we've had some weird stuff, but I had a fan once, their driver came up to me and he was like, hi, I was instructed to come over here, and this guy wants you to meet his wife and sleep with him. | ||
| It was in Chicago. | ||
| Sleep with her, you mean? | ||
| To her, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Either way, I'm not doing it. | |
| But I really wanted to fuck him. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| He had this face. | ||
| Imagine if there was like a guy out there. | ||
| Sort of how that picture makes epileptics have seizures. | ||
| There was a guy out there that makes your dickhard a great face. | ||
| And you just didn't expect it at all out of nowhere. | ||
| Like you might not even have to see him in person, but if it's a guy that's so pretty, they figured out a way to have the perfect amount of masculine. | ||
| But not even pretty, just the kind of vibe. | ||
| You like his vibe. | ||
| Yeah, like a bear. | ||
| Like a John Goodwin. | ||
| Like a handsome grizzled guy. | ||
| Because I'm not gay. | ||
| Like, look, I'm not gay. | ||
| I never had sex with a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But if I was going to, I think I would pick like a big guy. | |
| A nice-looking guy. | ||
| Not like a pretty guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like Tom Selleck in his prime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shoes, no socks. | ||
| Red car. | ||
| Christian. | ||
| What's up with the flowers in your shirt, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's how you hit on him. | ||
| Hey, man, what's up with the flowers in your shirt? | ||
| What are you doing later? | ||
| How come you wear socks? | ||
| Do your feet stink? | ||
| Don't lie to me, bro. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| He's a handsome guy. | ||
| Guy. | ||
| In Hawaii. | ||
| Man, right there. | ||
| In Hawaii. | ||
| I always used to think when Tom Selleck was in Hawaii, Magnum P.I. was in Hawaii, I would always think, like, does he hate being in Hawaii after a while? | ||
| I would think that too. | ||
| About like, because like Lost, and then they do Hawaii 5-0 there. | ||
| By the way, there's a guy. | ||
| Well, I mean, there's a guy that was on both Lost and Hawaii 5.0. | ||
| Well, he probably loves it down here. | ||
| He must. | ||
| Listen, man, people who live down there, you're living in paradise. | ||
| Except for the occasional hurricane. | ||
| Other than that, you're living in paradise. | ||
| Yeah, but it's also, I mean, dude, it's so humid, man. | ||
| I mean, I was in West Palm Beach this past weekend, and I was like, yeah, it's beautiful, but like it's too hot. | ||
| 92 degrees feels like 4,000 degrees. | ||
| Yeah, it gets funky. | ||
| And then you come back to LA and you're like, oh, this is the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's dry. | |
| It's dry. | ||
| It's dry is the best, yeah. | ||
| Like Phoenix. | ||
| Phoenix can get hot as fuck. | ||
| Phoenix is just, yeah. | ||
| But you're landlocked, too. | ||
| I feel like nice if you're... | ||
| You can just get in a boat if shit gets rough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just have a boat on your deck, like tied down. | ||
| Even if you're just in Santa Monica or like the valley. | ||
| As a tsunami hits, you get in the boat and you always like freeze-dried foods. | ||
| Would you want to be the guy who gets hit in the head by the asteroid or would you want to be the guy that has to figure out how to rebuild civilization again? | ||
| Because get hit in the head would be nice and quick. | ||
| If you got to rebuild civilization and cannibalize 40 people in the world. | ||
| Oh, that's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's it. | |
| I probably want to get hit in the head then. | ||
| You have to fuck your sister in order to make people. | ||
| Oh, I don't have one, thank God. | ||
| What do you do if it's just you and your sister and you're the only two people alive? | ||
| I'd want to get hit in the head for sure. | ||
| But if you are alive right now and she's alive and she wants to stay alive and you're like, look, there's only one way we can make more people. | ||
| And just have people with that. | ||
| Don't you have kids with Down syndrome and shit? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| I think it takes a while. | ||
| It takes a few generations. | ||
| But even worse than that, you bang each other and then you have to bang your kids. | ||
| Or the kids have to bang each other. | ||
| The kids have to bang. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because otherwise, that's it. | ||
| It stops right there. | ||
| So then it has to be, it's got to get to a certain point where there's like 30 or 40 people. | ||
| Everyone's fucking their kids. | ||
| Then you have to make new rules. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Look. | ||
| You got plenty of people. | ||
| You can't fuck your kids anymore. | ||
| Now your kids are going to have to fuck my sister. | ||
| By the way, this is how it used to be, guys. | ||
| We can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| When was this? | ||
| 400 years ago, before the big rock from the sky shut off the power. | ||
| I can't fucking kill the Wi-Fi. | ||
| But my sister's hot. | ||
| You know, they be shit like that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You imagine it's forbidden now, but your mom and dad were brother and sister. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| You guys are fucking hypocrites. | ||
| That sounds like a fucking Hulu series. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| I was thinking of the Hallmark channel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nah, Hulu. | ||
| Then you get to see like tits and shit in it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember that movie, Brown Bunny, where Vincent Gallo? | ||
| I saw it in the theater, and I brought my ex-wife. | ||
| Did you know what it was? | ||
| Yes, and she didn't. | ||
| And she was like, what is it? | ||
| And I was like, it's going to be good. | ||
| Let's go because I love Vincent Gallo. | ||
| And I went to, and when she sucks his dick in the movie, my ex goes like this. | ||
| Oh, it's a porn. | ||
| And I laughed. | ||
| I laughed. | ||
| What's crazy is it's a whole movie with one scene and it doesn't matter. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's still a porn. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like anything Vincent Gello does. | ||
| He's so fucking weird. | ||
| That's really kind of crazy, though, right? | ||
| Like if you have a movie. | ||
| One sex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have a movie where everything is like hilarious, but then someone dies. | ||
| Like a lot of comedies. | ||
| Like someone dies. | ||
| You don't say it's a murder movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's still a comedy. | ||
| It's a comedy. | ||
| But if you had Harrison Ford, Kate Blanchette, in a gripping thriller, and then at the end, they fuck and you see in-and-out dick shots like that, it's a porn. | ||
| It's a porn. | ||
| You can't not call it a porn. | ||
| It just is. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's weird, right? | ||
| It's funny that, like, no matter what else happens. | ||
| You have a second form pulling out and coming on her chest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can have a scene where you see them, there's like curtains, you see them through, you see his ass. | ||
| You see his ass. | ||
| You can see his ass. | ||
| Her legs wrap around. | ||
| As long as it's tastefully done. | ||
| She's kissing. | ||
| But if you actually see a penis and a vagina. | ||
| Or a penis and a mouth. | ||
| It has to be in it, though, right? | ||
| Even if you see a penis and a vagina, it's not porn. | ||
| Do you ever see House of Cards? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a scene in House of Cards where the president, spoiler alert, is going down on a reporter. | ||
| And he's eating this reporter's box. | ||
| And like, his face is right on her box. | ||
| But it doesn't show up. | ||
| She's on the phone with her dad. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| Netflix will fucking show whatever. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They'll be like, you'll watch the fucking The Ranch with Ashton Kutcher and you'll be like, you have his dick. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's just like weird. | ||
| Yeah, you can do anything. | ||
| I showed my dick in my special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| How many times? | ||
| Just four. | ||
| Wow, that's a lot. | ||
| I did it all in the beginning, though. | ||
| That's a lot for you for an hour. | ||
| So you know how I do it at the comedy store. | ||
| I guess once you get ramped up, you know you're doing a special. | ||
| I probably should have done it maybe once or twice. | ||
| But I was excited. | ||
| It was in Canada. | ||
| Oh, in Canada, you could show your dick freely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's French. | |
| Yeah, you can apparently walk around Toronto with your breasts out. | ||
| So there was this video that was released online earlier today of this woman activist who was being interviewed by this guy, and she says it's totally legal to take your top off. | ||
| So she takes her top off, and she's a feminist. | ||
| Almost immediately after she takes her top off, this dude, this black guy sneaks, I don't know why I had to say black guy, but said it in a different way. | ||
| Because they're brazen when they hit on girls. | ||
| Sneaks behind her and grabs her tits from behind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| And she screams at them and they scream at him and they blurred the black guy's face out, which is kind of funny. | ||
| But they didn't blur the titties out, huh? | ||
| They didn't blur them titties out. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That's very racist. | ||
| Blur the black guy's face, but not the titties. | ||
| Well, I think because whoever put the video out doesn't want that guy to get implicated for a crime. | ||
| Even though he committed one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just found it. | |
| You just found it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Want to see it? | ||
| Here, watch this. | ||
| So she's yelling at this dude. | ||
| So she's yelling, and she takes her top off. | ||
| Look, you see her full breasts. | ||
| Now watch this dude with the blurred out face. | ||
| He comes up behind her. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| And everybody's like, no, no, you do not. | ||
| You do not do that. | ||
| And they even lose track of him. | ||
| He's sort of lingering in the background. | ||
| They're infighting with each other now. | ||
| Damn, he was. | ||
| They're all so confused. | ||
| I got to tell you, he was smooth as fuck the way he did that shit. | ||
| Well, he's probably met girls like that before. | ||
| Next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gobble, gobble. | |
| Look at him smooth. | ||
| Hey, let me just grab a pan today. | ||
| And she's like pointing her finger at him. | ||
| He walked up like a landing. | ||
| He's like, the body snatcher. | ||
| But what are they arguing about? | ||
| What the fuck's going on here? | ||
| Oh, who cares? | ||
| They're arguing because they were poorly parented. | ||
| They never learned how to. | ||
| This guy's got a microphone. | ||
| The whole thing's ridiculous. | ||
| These are just people today, people who are losing their fucking minds. | ||
| This is the shit that they will play for future generations when they talk about the downfall of modern Western society. | ||
| They'll play this kind of shit when young kids were just so soft and living a life so easy. | ||
| They look for microaggressions at every turn. | ||
| And then also girls pull their titties out and guys grab them because that's what some dudes do. | ||
| You can't just pull your titties out in front of some dudes. | ||
| That girl's still walking around with her titties out, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, I think so. | |
| Super impressive. | ||
| So far, only one grab. | ||
| Yeah, that's amazing so far, but that's just because all those other people are around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Realize the danger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People will make you act different. | |
| Isn't that the thing in New York City? | ||
| You can walk out with your... | ||
| I think you can walk around with your tools. | ||
| Men can have the shirts off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think women do it most places. | |
| Most places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For women, yeah. | |
| Where do you think it's illegal to go topless? | ||
| If you had a guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you can't do it in L.A. Wouldn't it be funny if it was Vegas? | |
| Can't do it in L.A.? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I wonder if you can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, if they can... | |
| They can, but that's different. | ||
| Yeah, it's different. | ||
| But like, a guy can pretty much everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Toppless, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, a guy can walk down the street. | ||
| I wonder what, like, if there's a certain time of night where they'll arrest you. | ||
| Like, if you have no shirt on and it's midnight. | ||
| In LA? | ||
| Yeah, the cop might arrest you. | ||
| Like, dude, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, why don't you have a shirt on? | ||
| Right? | ||
| But if it's, like, noon and you have no shirt on. | ||
| You're sunbathing. | ||
| Yeah, you're just hanging out. | ||
| I'm just trying to catch some race. | ||
| He's just a chilly dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Right? | ||
| But if it's like 7 a.m., like, what's this derelict doing with no shirt on? | ||
| They would definitely keep an eye on you. | ||
| Unless you're jogging. | ||
| Then you're like, this guy's an athlete. | ||
| Dude, that's really funny. | ||
| That's like a Carlin bit or some shit, probably. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There's a certain amount of time. | ||
| As long as you're running to have a shirt off. | ||
| If you got 7 a.m., as long as you're running. | ||
| Yeah, if it's 5 a.m., you probably should put a hoodie on just to let people know you're serious. | ||
| Because if you have no shirt on at 5 a.m., like, did you just have no shirt on and start running? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, if you're running with no shirt on at 5 a.m., someone's chasing you. | |
| Yeah, and probably you didn't start running at 5 a.m. and keep running to 7.30. | ||
| If someone sees you at 7.30, they assume you just started. | ||
| They assume you've been running since you left the club. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So basically, well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's running a marathon right after you got out of the club. | |
| Sobering up as you're running. | ||
| You got to look down at his shoes. | ||
| He's got fucking loafers on. | ||
| Hey, what is going on here? | ||
| He's still got his drink ticket bracelet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, bracelet. | |
| His eyes showed my ID bracelet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he still has the sunglasses on from last night to be cool, but now they're functional. | |
| That's so perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, what a douche move wearing sunglasses outside at night. | ||
| Nothing worse. | ||
| Bro, fashion-wise, nothing worse. | ||
| It is so douchey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And black guys can pull it off so much better than white guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I'm not even offended when I see a black guy at a basketball game. | ||
| If he's like LL Cool J and he's got sunglasses on. | ||
| That still bothers me. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| But if it's a white guy, I'm like, take those fucking things off. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm super racist when it comes to that. | ||
| Sunglasses. | ||
| When it comes to sunglasses. | ||
| Just remember your fucking real racist. | ||
| The one time I'm racist against white dudes. | ||
| You've always been racist against white dudes. | ||
| White dudes with sunglasses. | ||
| I'm like, E, enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's dark out. | ||
| You can see fine. | ||
| If they're doing TV shows and shit. | ||
| You know, where you sit on the tonight show and they have a sunglasses. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| I've seen people do that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like during the time. | ||
| Do you throw sunglasses on tough crowd? | ||
| He did on a show about comedians? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's ballsy, dude. | ||
| Didn't work out well. | ||
| Well, they made fun of him, right? | ||
| Well, Greg Giraldo shit all over him because they were going back and forth, and every time Greg would say something funny, Dennis would like mock the fact that he was saying something funny. | ||
| You never seen this? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's one of the weirdest interactions between two comedians ever. | ||
| It's really very odd. | ||
| Between Giraldo and Leary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's a classic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta watch that. | |
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| Yeah, no, that's weird. | ||
| Can we play it or would we get yanked? | ||
| We get yanked, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably, right? | |
| Who even has that anymore? | ||
| That show was funny, man. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I did it. | |
| I think I did it twice. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's a fun show. | ||
| Colin Quinn is the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just a great idea. | ||
| I mean, it's basically like a podcast on Comedy Central. | ||
| It was before podcast, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it really was kind of in some ways like, well, I think the original podcast is Stern Show. | ||
| And then once the Stern Show went to satellite radio, then it became uncensored. | ||
| And then Opie and Anthony, sort of same thing. | ||
| But Opie and Anthony, even more like a podcast because you just shoot the shit. | ||
| And then Tough Crowd came along, and now it's on Comedy Central. | ||
| I have no idea why they stopped doing that. | ||
| Must have been a week, because it was kind of short-lived. | ||
| Oh, was it? | ||
| I thought it was. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe it was a few. | ||
| Maybe it was like four or five. | ||
| Colin Quinn's an interesting dude. | ||
| He might have just got tired of doing it. | ||
| I met him in where the fuck was I? | ||
| Vancouver. | ||
| Actually, the night I did my special afterwards. | ||
| And he was just the nicest guy, man. | ||
| My dad loves him. | ||
| And he was like, can I meet Colin Quinn? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, like my dad never. | ||
| So I got a picture of them two together. | ||
| It was like a really sweet fucking night. | ||
| Colin was the nicest. | ||
| He is one of my best examples that I personally use when I say you have to see someone do stand-up in the flesh, live in the flesh, to understand how funny they are. | ||
| Like he's one of those guys. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Because his act is so, it's so absurd. | ||
| It's so silly and odd. | ||
| Like you almost have to see him live. | ||
| And then you want to see a long set. | ||
| You want to see like a headline set where you see it build up and get weirder. | ||
| Well, he got a lot of attention for the last special he did, I know. | ||
| He's funny, man. | ||
| He's a funny fucking dude. | ||
| He's always been funny. | ||
| But that show was a great show. | ||
| How long was it on for, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just over just under two years. | |
| Nothing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I would have thought it was like four years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That'd have been a cool show to do. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| Is there a Wikipedia on that show? | ||
| It must have been a hit. | ||
| Why did it get canceled? | ||
| How is it not a hit? | ||
| Maybe there was just too many shows. | ||
| Back then there were like a lot of shows though, yeah. | ||
| And like hits too, I feel like. | ||
| Well, I guess there's more shows now than ever, though, right? | ||
| Well, but only because of probably the internet and shit. | ||
| But there's too many channels. | ||
| Like when you find out something that's on true TV, like wait, what? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| How do I even find that? | ||
| Yeah, I know, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The TV land channel? | ||
| Do you watch TV? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| I watch Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And HBO. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And occasionally, I watch hunting shows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What do we got here? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Does it say why it ended up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got Notes from Comedy Central, the same time that Chappelle show was on. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Demograph. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, so they fucked it up. | ||
| The executives fucked it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How weird. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Executive fucked it up. | ||
| The last show contained a monologue by Quind, who attacked his distractors, such as the New York Times, for being hypocritical and elitist for their negative reviews. | ||
| He also defined comedic integrity as the ability to critique the hypocrisy of society, but to be honest enough to admit that you are just as guilty of it as anyone else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they fucked up. | ||
| That was a great show. | ||
| And it could have been an amazing show. | ||
| Just bring it back. | ||
| Bring it back, Comedy Central. | ||
| You need a hit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Canceled audio show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And also, also, you can just make it. | |
| Well, he probably didn't want to do it now, but yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just weird, man. | ||
| They got rid of Moshe Cash's show already, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They did? | |
| I heard. | ||
| I fucking jumped the gun on that one, too, I think. | ||
| Actually, I don't think they... | ||
| I think it was like somebody else's show, and that exec whoever was running things is gone. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that shit. | ||
| I shouldn't even be talking shit. | ||
| I don't know anything about show business anymore. | ||
| I'm barely in show business. | ||
| I'm a non-showbiz entity. | ||
| I have no idea what's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except Ari getting fired from companies such as with the show, the storytelling show. | |
| Ken Talk. | ||
| Ken Talk. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Maybe you're wrong, though, you know? | ||
| No, he's definitely not. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying. | |
| Did you do that show? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is not happening? | ||
| He always asked me to do it, and I always wanted to do it, but I never had a story that fit the theme. | ||
| And then I was just like, I don't know how to do it, and I just never ended up doing it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I think it's a great fucking awesome idea. | |
| It's a show designed for Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because Joey Diaz has more stories than any human being that's ever walked the face of the planet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But your special is out now. | |
| Crystal Leah, are you excited? | ||
| Man, on fire, I am, yeah. | ||
| Now, the brazen attempt to craft a new hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Oh, yeah, it's like, you know, when you start a new one and then it's like, I have like 25 new minutes and I'm like, is this stuff really, though, going to be in my hour? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| Because in the beginning, you don't know. | ||
| Do you write down physically? | ||
| Do you write physically? | ||
| Never. | ||
| And I know it's a good idea to do that. | ||
| It's so much less, it's so much more work for me to know what I'm going to say and get up there and say it than it is to go up with an idea and work it out on stage. | ||
| And I have so much more fun doing that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And for me, I am able to, not to get too heady, but explore that bit way more on stage because I fucking have to in that moment. | ||
| Because you're trapped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's 250 people there or seven, even if there's a few. | |
| But like, yeah. | ||
| I just like doing that. | ||
| And that's how I get like, I get like, I have really long bits, you know? | ||
| So that's how that happens. | ||
| A lot of people do. | ||
| I mean, everybody's got their own style. | ||
| I think the only thing that's really consistent is that you need to pay attention to it. | ||
| You need to really focus on it. | ||
| Stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the only thing that's really how you do it, like whether you do it like in your car while you're driving, you shut the radio off and you just think about it, or whether you do it in front of a computer, or whether you, you know, whatever you do, or you do a lot of sets. | ||
| You do a set of the improv and you set at the store and the set at the factory. | ||
| It's all just about how much energy, how much focus you put on it. | ||
| Well, yeah, because if you think about it, really, the amount of time that you're actually doing stand-up is an hour and a half, or unless you're doing two sets a night. | ||
| That's why weekends are so good, right? | ||
| You get to do two on Friday and two on Saturday. | ||
| You do an improv somewhere or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then, like, I came up with a new bit two weeks ago. | ||
| That's like a six-minute bit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But it's, you know, it's, I'm finding it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Something happened and now I'm talking about it. | ||
| The universe opened up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I have an idea for you. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's so awesome when that happens. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| And then, so I've been working it, but I've only been really working it on the road. | ||
| So in my head, I'm like, I have to get to the comedy store to see if it actually works. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You got to do that. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| The OR on a Tuesday night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The OR on a Tuesday night is a perfect defining moment. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because people are like, first of all, still tired from the cocaine they did on Saturday. | ||
| They're there. | ||
| They're unimpressed. | ||
| They're waiting to see if they pass their audition. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Or a lot of them are fucking Russian. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| A lot of people have been flying to the store. | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| Just to check out the lineups. | ||
| Dude, why wouldn't they? | ||
| Those lineups are fucking unbelievable. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of confusing. | ||
| It is confusing. | ||
| Remember how it used to be? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I first got there, nobody was hit. | |
| I mean, they were doing well, but they would do well on stage, but nobody knew who they were. | ||
| We got to show more love to the Laugh Factory. | ||
| We got to keep that fucking place alive. | ||
| It'll be alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I like going there. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I'm there Wednesday. | ||
| Wednesday night. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Cheap plug. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| We are. | ||
| 10 p.m. | ||
| Wednesday of the Laugh Factory Legends. | ||
| Me, you, Crystalia. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Is Theo on that? | ||
| I think Theo's on that show. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good show, though. | ||
| A lot of funny people on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What else going on? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| I have this pitch up. | ||
| Should we keep going? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's up to you, man. | ||
| How long have we been doing it anyway? | ||
| Two hours. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That went quick. | ||
| Come on, Duber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking bad. | |
| Bro, what are we? | ||
| Professional talking? | ||
| Professionals. | ||
| That's what we do, bro. | ||
| That's what we do, bro. | ||
| As I was saying, it's good to come back because when I first did the first one, I fucking barely knew you and I was intimidated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And now, at least we're friends and shit. | |
| And the baby Jesus. | ||
| We could just bullshit. | ||
| But I still get people that are like, hey, man, saw you on Rogan. | ||
| And I'm like, Jesus Christ, that's fucking awesome. | ||
| Do you ever think when a guy's talking to you like that that really just doesn't know what to say and he really wants to blow you? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That actually explains a lot what happened afterwards. | |
| Like the kind of shit. | ||
| That's what I'd say to a girl. | ||
| Hey, saw you on Two Broke Girls. | ||
| Fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would love if you did an episode of Two Broke Girls, by the way. | |
| I would do it. | ||
| That's Whitney's show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's not on anymore, but. | |
| Oh, I didn't even know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, it literally got canceled like two months ago, maybe. | |
| What was it like? | ||
| I don't even know what it was about. | ||
| Two broke girls, bro. | ||
| But why would it be funny if I did an episode? | ||
| Because why the fuck you would never do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| I mean, if you'd be like, Joe Rogan did that? | ||
| Why? | ||
| For a goof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd do it for Whitney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you would. | |
| But are you still tight with her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she's great. | |
| But then you should do, then not, not, you should, you should ask your agent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't even have one, right? | |
| I have an agent. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you should ask your agent. | |
| You would be one of those guys to be like, nah, fuck agents. | ||
| I should get rid of one eventually. | ||
| So you should ask your agent to find one episode to do one. | ||
| Like, I would love it if you did one episode of like CSI, like the New Orleans one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, not even the one that's like the, you know what I mean? | |
| Not even like the one, but like, but one episode in like three scenes. | ||
| That would be fucking hilarious. | ||
| Being interrogated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You, and not even like promote it and then be like, what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing? | |
| And you're like, I don't know where I, you know, I didn't mean to. | ||
| I hit her too hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like, it'd be fucking hilarious. | |
| How many of those fucking crime shows can they have? | ||
| At what point in time do the network executives go, we got to stop? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's all it is is murder. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| When did we get this murder fetish? | ||
| This fucking crime scene investigation fetish. | ||
| The only ones I like are the forensic files, the ones where they reenact it and they show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those are real stories. | ||
| I watched so many of those. | ||
| When Marvin Hutchingson came home early that evening to find his girlfriend in bed with his brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just always arrest the spouse because it's them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| And they always go to the most extreme lengths where it's like, just arrest that person and then check. | ||
| Sometimes it's the creepy guy at work that's in love with the woman. | ||
| But very rarely. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| But those, I've watched so much forensic files. | ||
| Because by the way, when you're on the road, HLN, the network, it's just forensic files all day long. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, and then Nancy Grace for an hour. | ||
| Did it used to be headline news? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I guess. | ||
| Is that what that HLN stands for? | ||
| Yeah, they give up on whatever their format is, like country music television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're like, yeah, we're going to do fucking drag races now. | ||
| We're going to have a bass fishing competition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I thought you were just going to be a little bit more. | ||
| Come hold the guitar. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| We're going to give Josh Wolf a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But he's not a country guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched so much of that that I'll see the same murder on the different episodes. | ||
| Like Forensic Falls will do it, and then I'll be watching Snap, and I'll be like, oh, I saw this one on Forensic Falls. | ||
| Oh, like a different reaction. | ||
| And they all have their own reenactment of that. | ||
| Because it's the show. | ||
| It's right, because it's topic. | ||
| It's not their subject. | ||
| It's not like they wrote it. | ||
| Yeah, they have to allow another guy to do another recreation. | ||
| They probably cheat. | ||
| Like, go over each other's stuff. | ||
| Did you get some of your footage? | ||
| See, what they did there. | ||
| I like the angle they chose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They show the murder. | ||
| There's a really good one on, I don't know what channel, probably the ID channel, but See No Evil. | ||
| And they go through, like with forensic files, all they do is they work out who did the crime with forensics. | ||
| But on this one, they find out who did the crime only using the security footage. | ||
| And it's really creepy and really interesting because you'll see a guy walk into the elevator and then leave with a briefcase and shit or like a suitcase and the body's in there. | ||
| And you're like, oh, fuck. | ||
| It's really creepy because it's real footage. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See no evil. | ||
| Yeah, when you see a real body, even if it's like through a security camera, someone clubs somebody over the head and drags them backwards. | ||
| Like, ooh, that's a real body, man. | ||
| Like, what I don't understand is like heat of the moment murders, I guess I can wrap my head around because it's like, you just got so mad at the person and it happened. | ||
| But like to plan it and think, oh, good, I'm going to make 20 grand off this for the life insurance and to think you're not going to get caught is like you're going to get caught. | ||
| Yeah, people get caught, but people are stupid as fuck, dude. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that lie so much that they don't have a connection to reality. | ||
| They've severed their tether to reality. | ||
| So they think they can bullshit people all the time. | ||
| And they think that they can sort of con artist people all the time. | ||
| I knew a guy like that. | ||
| Brian Kell. | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm crazy with you. | |
| I'm coming. | ||
| This guy was a fake Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. | ||
| What do you mean, fake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fake. | |
| He wasn't really a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. | ||
| Told everybody he was. | ||
| And this is the early days of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belts where there weren't a lot of them. | ||
| So you could almost kind of get away with it. | ||
| Like, people didn't know. | ||
| And then he said, like, oh, it was like a Japanese jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I was a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| I'm not really like a black belt, black belt. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Changed his name. | ||
| I forget his real name. | ||
| It was like Rafael. | ||
| Because he got caught? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Made a fake name. | ||
| Made a fake Brazilian name. | ||
| Damian Monroe. | ||
| Raphael Torre. | ||
| Close. | ||
| So he was friends with Eddie. | ||
| And he was banging this married chick and killed her husband. | ||
| Brought him to the gym and strangled her. | ||
| Killed her with like, killed him rather. | ||
| Killed him. | ||
| Did I say her? | ||
| I didn't say her. | ||
| He's a fake black belt. | ||
| The fake black belt killed the husband of the wife that he was banging and killed him and then got caught. | ||
| And he tried to get this other dude that I know that's an MMA fighter, tried to get him to kill him. | ||
| Tried to offer him some money. | ||
| And he was driving the dude's car around after he killed him. | ||
| What a micron. | ||
| Dude, drove the dude's car, got seen driving the guy's car in a small town after he killed him. | ||
| Yeah, so he's in jail now. | ||
| But he went to the woods and with a bag, like a big ass fucking duffel bag, and told his friend, hey man, drop me off. | ||
| I'm going to a secret no rules kumbite karate tournament in the woods. | ||
| And his friend's like, oh, okay. | ||
| So this fucking dude goes into the woods, okay, with a bag, like with a bag that like you would fit a trophy in, okay? | ||
| Comes out of the woods the next day with a trophy. | ||
| So he opens the bag, pulls his fucking trophy out, and says, hey man, I won this karate tournament in the woods. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| This guy is insane. | ||
| I mean, he's literally insane. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's in jail for being insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, he went, he could put a fucking trophy in the bag. | ||
| He's like, no one's going to suspect this. | ||
| They're totally going to forget about this. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those things where it's like, this is so crazy. | ||
| There's no way no one's going to believe it. | ||
| Everyone's going to believe it because why the fuck would I make it up? | ||
| He says, drop me off in the woods, bro. | ||
| The secret karate kumite in the woods. | ||
| This is back in the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what did you see? | |
| It's like in the early 90s, man. | ||
| Can you just believe that? | ||
| He just sat out in the woods. | ||
| Probably camped. | ||
| Probably maybe marshmallows. | ||
| Probably had a bunch of soup. | ||
| Oodles and noodles. | ||
| Can't wait to show this to my friend. | ||
| It's a famous story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I never heard that. | ||
| So check this out. | ||
| I was talking to this guy, Gerald, my friend Gerald, who was the guy that wound up testifying against him that he tried to pay him to murder him. | ||
| I was talking to him about it on the phone, and the phone was being tapped. | ||
| So then the cops call me up, and they say, hey, what do you know about this? | ||
| I was like, I'll tell you everything I know, but I don't know shit. | ||
| But he had already been arrested, and it was already like a thing where they're going to trial. | ||
| But I'm like, all I know is that he is a fake black belt who lied about a lot of shit. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I mean, at the time, I didn't even know whether or not he really killed the guy. | ||
| He was so full of shit. | ||
| If he told you that he killed his wife's husband, you'd be like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just like you won the karate kumite, just like you're resigned to the black belt. | ||
| It's so hard to tell with a guy like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But then the dude turned out to be dead. | |
| I was like, wow. | ||
| You pretty much never can trust somebody who brings a trophy out of the woods. | ||
| I mean, can you imagine the idea that you're going to take this fucking duffel bag, put a trophy inside of it, and no one's going to notice when you come back to the duffel bag's missing? | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| The duffel bag's this big now. | ||
| It's like shaped like a trophy. | ||
| You can see the fucking fists like the Raji statue. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But there was a lot of that back then, man. | ||
| There was a lot of fake martial artists. | ||
| It was like super common. | ||
| They still to this day. | ||
| They'll catch a guy who's a fake black belt. | ||
| Yeah, a white belt, like put a black belt on and go to a new school, but he really doesn't know anything. | ||
| I can't remember what. | ||
| But you're going to get exposed. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| In jiu-jitsu, yes. | ||
| But in other martial arts, no, it's because they're mentally ill. | ||
| It's always because they're mentally ill. | ||
| And this guy, Rafael Torrey, actually had a fake fight. | ||
| He had a fixed fight on King of the Cage with one of his students. | ||
| So he actually had a professional MMA fight. | ||
| And you know how my friend Eddie knew that he was full of shit? | ||
| No, Eddie knew he was full of shit? | ||
| Because Eddie taught him this super complicated move called the Twister. | ||
| And Twister is Eddie's signature move. | ||
| And it's basically the guillotine or the guillotine from wrestling with a couple added twists in the way he secures the finish. | ||
| Eddie has like a very specific way of S-gripping the top of the head and also locking down the opposite far side leg. | ||
| So when he does it, it's like a terrible position to be in. | ||
| And he's crushing your fucking neck. | ||
| You're getting all yanked up. | ||
| It's really rough. | ||
| It's really hard to deal with. | ||
| And it's hard to pull off on people. | ||
| Super hard to pull off. | ||
| Like, just even to set it up and then to roll into it. | ||
| You have to be a, you could get a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt, who's a high-level black belt, and you could teach him how to do it. | ||
| And you could probably pull it off on someone just because he understands how to move his body in a grappling scenario. | ||
| But for a guy like him, who wasn't really a black belt, was really, really clunky. | ||
| He went to Thailand and fought in some MMA fight. | ||
| He's like, dude, hey, man, I won in Thailand. | ||
| I pulled off the twister. | ||
| And Eddie hung up the phone. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| He's like, huh? | ||
| What? | ||
| He's like, dude, I think something's full. | ||
| He's got to be full of shit. | ||
| And Eddie was like high as fuck while we were having this conversation. | ||
| He's like, dude, you can't tell me he did that. | ||
| I can't believe he did that. | ||
| And so I was with Eddie in the car when he confronted him about being a fake black belt. | ||
| He confronted him. | ||
| Was the three of you in the car? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Eddie was on the phone. | ||
| And I was driving. | ||
| And Eddie was right next to me in the passenger seat. | ||
| And he was confronting him about it. | ||
| And the guy was like, no, I really am. | ||
| I really am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I really am. | |
| And then, like, cut to six months later, the dude's in jail for murder. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| So here's him. | ||
| So, by the way, this is a fake name. | ||
| Right. | ||
| His real name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's him? | |
| Yep. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| So the other dude was like his student. | ||
| So this is the fake fight. | ||
| Yeah, this is a fake fight. | ||
| So he organizes. | ||
| I mean, this guy had gotten deep into the world, man. | ||
| How did he get it? | ||
| I mean, he had a few martial arts skills. | ||
| He wasn't totally unskilled. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is it? | |
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| So he's on the bottom here. | ||
| And this dude's on top of the bottom. | ||
| You can already tell that he's not. | ||
| Well, they're not really hurting each other. | ||
| You know, he's just pushing them. | ||
| It's really funny, man. | ||
| Like, these guys are acting here. | ||
| Like, he hits them with a couple of punches, but not hard. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, this is like some pro wrestling shit. | ||
| So he takes him down, steps over the leg, and the guy's punching him. | ||
| But these are nothing punches, man. | ||
| It's like nothing to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this is, you know for a fact this is. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Everybody knows. | ||
| This is like, they tried to make it what you call a hard shoot, you know, where you make it look real, like pro wrestling style. | ||
| So then he just drops down and gets that leg and he's tapping. | ||
| He's tapping like right away. | ||
| Go back up a little so you could see the setup because the setup is like, what? | ||
| Like here, he just grabs it. | ||
| I mean, that is so bad. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| He's so high up on the knee that he wouldn't even be putting pressure on the knee because he's not controlling the lower leg or the upper leg rather. | ||
| He's pulling on the lower leg. | ||
| But watch that again. | ||
| Like when he's pulling on the upper leg, look at the gap. | ||
| Watch when he goes. | ||
| Yeah, you could tell he's not a black belt doing that. | ||
| No, no, super sloppy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So bad. | |
| Big, big. | ||
| Look at that big, giant gap. | ||
| And see where he's yanking? | ||
| The dude's already tapping. | ||
| He doesn't have control of the upper leg at all. | ||
| He's just pulling on the shin. | ||
| Like, literally, his ass is where the knee is. | ||
| And he's pulling on the shin, which means he wouldn't even be putting pressure on the knee. | ||
| It's such horse shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this guy's like, oh, my God, he wrecked my knee. | |
| It was a total fake fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, so that guy went on to be a murderer. | ||
| I think he might be like up for parole soon or something. | ||
| Dude, people are- Dude, that's the crazy thing. | ||
| People get out of jail for murder. | ||
| You go to jail for murder in your life. | ||
| Is that the trophy he had in the bag, by the way? | ||
| No, that's a new one. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He's got two? | ||
| He's got two now, bro. | ||
| That one he did on TV. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| I mean, people have pulled off some sloppy ass knee bars. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But I know for a fact that's fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, nuts, yeah, dude. | ||
| Nutty people, dude. | ||
| But that's the real nutty thing is like people trying to concoct an artificial identity. | ||
| Like, my dad's Brazilian, my name is Damian Monroe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are just so afraid of people are just so afraid of being nothing. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Or does he identify with a half-Brazilian Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt? | ||
| Maybe we let him just be who he is. | ||
| That's who he identifies with. | ||
| How much different is that than identify with being a six-year-old girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's only different when you get your ass kicked. | |
| Well, if you're a six-year-old girl and you go to school with my kid and it turns out you're 50, I might beat your ass. | ||
| You better also be a black belt. | ||
| I might not trust you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I might start asking you some questions. | ||
| Like, he had an adopted mommy and daddy. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Yes, I saw that. | ||
| I'm starting to think we're getting trolled. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I'm trying to think that's not even real. | ||
| Everything's a South Park episode now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it feels like. | |
| It feels like it's writing itself. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Who'd you vote for? | ||
| Did you vote? | ||
| No. | ||
| I honestly. | ||
| Couldn't do it. | ||
| Couldn't do it, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm hoping Al Franken runs. | ||
| I'm saying it here right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think? | |
| I think Al Franken could be the best president we've ever had. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think he's got tremendous ethics, and he's a comedian. | ||
| That would be amazing if he was a family. | ||
| He was a true patriot. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| That guy can, you know, Al Franken can draw the United States and draw all the boundaries for all the states by memory. | ||
| He actually can draw the outlines of each state, all 50 of them. | ||
| You ever see him do that? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| There's a video of it. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| He walks up to a whiteboard and just draws the United States. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| In the right shape. | ||
| He could be a map. | ||
| If he was living in the 1500s, you would be our map. | ||
| He'd be the guy. | ||
| He'd be the most famous guy in the world. | ||
| He'd be the map maker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would maybe be able to do California and that's it. | |
| I think I could get the line right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The inside line. | ||
| Watch him do this. | ||
| This is beautiful. | ||
| Go full screen. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Wow, that's already crazy. | ||
| Dude, he's amazing. | ||
| He draws the Great Lakes in the right size and shape. | ||
| And he does this all by hand. | ||
| See, because a lot of people think of Al Franken as, you know, he was a comedian. | ||
| He's on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| People, I don't think they truly appreciate his intellect. | ||
| He's a brilliant guy, but he's also too self-deprecating and too wise and too humble to want to be the president. | ||
| He just doesn't have that desire in him. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's such a shame. | ||
| Because to be a president, you almost have to be the type of person who should never be president in order to run. | ||
| Yeah, I hear that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But if he wanted to be the president, I think he could be our best president ever. | ||
| Who the fuck else could do this? | ||
| You want to talk about patriotism? | ||
| This fucking guy really loves me. | ||
| That would be a good thing to run on. | ||
| It'd be like, I could draw the fucking bitch. | ||
| Hey, Donald Trump, draw. | ||
| But that's crazy, though. | ||
| He must have practiced this. | ||
| He's got to have a crazy mind that's just like... | ||
| He just drew Alaska, son. | ||
| Now here comes Hawaii. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| The 2009 Minnesota State Fair. | ||
| First of all, he loses points for going to the Minnesota State Fair. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But also, how many views does that have? | ||
| I always like to have it. | ||
| It should have a billion, but it probably has a million. | ||
| A million, 300,000. | ||
| That's actually good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's more than one video of him doing this, too. | |
| He does it like a lot. | ||
| Oh, so it's a lot of fun. | ||
| It's a lot of tricks. | ||
| It's a parlor trick. | ||
| Do you think he gets pussier for that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Probably dries it all up. | ||
| And this one he's doing. | ||
| You want me to draw America? | ||
| I have to go. | ||
| Oh, he's doing this one on a piece of cardboard. | ||
| Oh, he could do it on any surface? | ||
| He's crazy, bro. | ||
| I wonder if he does it on the sidewalk with chalk. | ||
| Can he do it in the sand? | ||
| Wow, that would be. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| We definitely need a better president. | ||
| We definitely need something new. | ||
| This system we got going on right now. | ||
| It's just everybody hates each other, so that's a bad thing. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Everybody on the left and everybody on the right, everybody's at each other's throats. | ||
| I used to think it was the right that was the danger, but now the left is so they're so mad and shit. | ||
| They're responding to the right. | ||
| It goes this way and then it goes that way. | ||
| You know, people get super fucking angry when Obama's the president. | ||
| It's the right they have to worry about. | ||
| And then Trump becomes the president. | ||
| Everybody gets super aggressive on the left. | ||
| What's interesting is they said that gun sales go up when a Democrat is president. | ||
| Because they get scared. | ||
| People get scared they're going to take your guns. | ||
| What's crazy is Trump is a lifelong Democrat. | ||
| He's a lifelong Democrat. | ||
| But if anybody's ever had the back of gun owners, Trump above a lot because his sons, sons are hunters, especially Donald Jr. | ||
| Big time sportsman, conservationist, very much into animals, hunts a lot, like legitimately. | ||
| He's a respected hunter. | ||
| But it doesn't shock me that people buy more guns. | ||
| Yeah, but I guess I didn't think of it like that. | ||
| And then once I heard it, I was like, yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| That's the big fear that people have, is that one day the government's going to step in and they're going to take your guns away and they're going to control you with an iron fist and tell you what to do. | ||
| And people say, no way, that's never going to happen. | ||
| But I'm not advocating everybody go out and get a gun. | ||
| But if you say that could never happen, well, it's happening right now with people. | ||
| If you go to North Korea, it's happened, right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How is that going on right now in 2017? | ||
| First of all, you don't have an armed population. | ||
| You don't have a free press. | ||
| There's a lot of factors, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but the government could take it over anyway. | |
| The problem with saying that is we are the government. | ||
| So if you say the government can take over the United States of America with soldiers, those soldiers are citizens. | ||
| They might be soldiers, but they're people. | ||
| They're like you and I. They're not globalists. | ||
| They're not 1%ers who own a... | ||
| There's a fine line of control that you have when you say the military will take over the country. | ||
| The military is us. | ||
| They're just regular people. | ||
| It's when they get to the highest levels of government that it gets weird. | ||
| When they're in a war room and they've never actually been in a war. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| and they're making politically based decisions, that's when shit gets squirrely. | ||
| It's the network. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's the executive, network executives. | ||
| Just getting a guy to do that, though, like getting, especially in America, I mean, this is not North Korea, man. | ||
| We have a way different attitude about each other and about human beings. | ||
| It would be incredibly difficult to get some regular kid from Northern California to join the military and then shut down schools and take away people's guns in a door-to-door raid. | ||
| I guess I just always feel that people are such followers that it would happen. | ||
| People are followers until some shit goes down. | ||
| And if some shit goes down, people will rise to the occasion. | ||
| Like that is what happened after September 11th. | ||
| They woke up a sleeping lion and people were excited about going to war again. | ||
| It gets real dangerous when something happens because people love, like there's a great book that I just read from Sebastian Younger. | ||
| It's called Tribe. | ||
| And it's all about bonding during wartime and how people are losing their connection to each other by not encountering difficulty and not struggling. | ||
| He lives in a poor neighborhood. | ||
| This guy's like a super world famous writer. | ||
| And he lives in a poor neighborhood in the Lower East Side because he likes being around regular people. | ||
| I mean, his books are very successful. | ||
| I got to imagine he makes a good living. | ||
| And he's a very famous war journalist and correspondent. | ||
| He's got, it's his ideas that the people that live soft lives and the people that like, your body's not designed for it. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's not healthy. | ||
| It's why people feel like shit. | ||
| And that the happier people are the people that are under stress. | ||
| And that if something did happen to us, we would probably feel better and roughly. | ||
| Yeah, they say that the guy more likely to kill himself is the businessman who's on the top floor that fucking lost it all than the guy who just kind of has had a rough life because he doesn't know how to deal with it. | ||
| There was this Bernie Madoff episode of Radio Lab where he's talking to this guy. | ||
| And this guy made like, I think he made like $9 billion with Bernie. | ||
| And he had to give away, give $7 billion of it back. | ||
| Bernie was trying to get him, not Bernie Sanders, Bernie Madoff. | ||
| Bernie Madoff. | ||
| Did I say Bernie Sanders? | ||
| No, he said Bernie Madoff. | ||
| I was thinking Bernie Sanders for some reason. | ||
| I think he fucked his name up. | ||
| Anyway, Bernie Madoff was telling this guy that he had to give the money back. | ||
| You know what you did. | ||
| You know we were in on this. | ||
| We're caught. | ||
| We've got to give this money back. | ||
| And the guy killed himself. | ||
| So he's got $2 billion. | ||
| He's like, not enough. | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| They found him in the bottom of the pool. | ||
| $2 billion. | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| I wonder if it was the shame that made him kill himself. | ||
| Shame. | ||
| Clang, clang, clang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shame. | |
| That'll make you kill yourself, man. | ||
| Well, I think if you have $9 billion and you're a guy that is just constantly obsessed with money, you're probably balling, son. | ||
| Balling out of control. | ||
| You're probably maxed out across the board. | ||
| You probably got multiple Ferraris on their way to you right now. | ||
| I need a bigger jet. | ||
| How much is the island? | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| You have $9 billion. | ||
| And then you're like, you say, okay, I need to make $300 million a year just to pay my bills. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| Let me scale back. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, someone says, hey, man, you got to give seven of it back. | ||
| Like, I don't have it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have it. | |
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that had to be how it was. | ||
| Well, I think the shame, too. | ||
| Maybe just died of a heart attack. | ||
| And then fell in the pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a tough way to kill yourself. | ||
| Jump in and start breathing. | ||
| Dude, they need to make this a fucking forensic files episode, man. | ||
| We'll find it. | ||
| We'll get the wrong little bit. | ||
| It probably exists on the Hallmark channel. | ||
| Probably does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always like some nutty ex-spouse, right? | ||
| Sometimes a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they have that show for that. | ||
| They have like sinful woman or whatever the hell it's called. | ||
| What do they call it? | ||
| Scorned woman. | ||
| Wicked wives. | ||
| I mean, it's always a. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When is it going to happen on one of those reality shows? | ||
| Like those real housewives? | ||
| When is one of those bitches? | ||
| Axe murder one of those other chicks. | ||
| I mean, it'll happen. | ||
| How is it not already? | ||
| They fight. | ||
| They claw each other, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking hate that that's a show even. | |
| They're so popular. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| A friend of mine went to one of the real housewives ladies has a restaurant in Beverly Hills. | ||
| A friend of mine went to the restaurant, and she said that when the lady walked in, that everybody treated her like royalty. | ||
| She's here, she's here, she's here. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| She's walking in with her dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're famous for being a piece of shit. | |
| I mean, you are, though. | ||
| That's what they glorify, at least, in that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not saying the person actual, but like, those people are a piece of shit. | |
| Yeah, you piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're like, oh, I mean, that's... | |
| That's one of the things. | ||
| She was like one of the more good ones. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know enough about the shit. | ||
| It's just bizarre that you would have so much money and still want to expose yourself to that. | ||
| Because the amount of nuttiness and hate. | ||
| But maybe it's just more exciting than whatever else they're doing. | ||
| And maybe when you're on Xanax, it's not so bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe you just pop a few Xanax every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cameras are going off. | ||
| You don't even seize her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anybody ever seizure from the paparazzi? | ||
| Google paparazzi causes someone to seize her. | ||
| Guarantee it's happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of flashes. | |
| A lot of flashes if you're some wacky dude with a screw loose. | ||
| And then katonk starts spasming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder who this is. | |
| If it could have been somebody too famous, we would have heard about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if it was a famous person, who would you imagine like Johnny Depp? | ||
| Like he does Coke every day for a month. | ||
| And then the cameras go off. | ||
| It's just whatever the fucking fine wire in that fuse and his brain blows out like an old light bulb You find something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The only person I could find is David Beckham's son. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| He's like a 10-year-old kid, and he started freaking out. | ||
| Oh, he just freaked out, but he didn't have a seizure, did he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I don't know if it led to an actual seizure. | |
| He says he's got epilepsy. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| Oh, he does have epilepsy. | ||
| Yeah, it might be. | ||
| Well, find out. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Why do flashing lights cause people to have seizures? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| What do you think, Crystal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I think that I would never think about that in my life. | ||
| You wouldn't think about that. | ||
| Nah, because it would never affect me. | ||
| You're not interested in how the human mind works, the flaws of the operating system? | ||
| I am a little bit. | ||
| Not that much, though, huh? | ||
| Well, I want you to tell me, but I don't want to have to look it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says it's coming out, from epilepsy.com, for about 3% of people with epilepsy, exposure of flashing lights at certain intensities. | |
| Oh, that's low. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, so it's not even low. | |
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Well, that makes sense because I would have heard of it, right? | ||
| You think you would have heard of it. | ||
| But for my friend, it was his wife. | ||
| Here's the other thing, too. | ||
| You remember shit. | ||
| I don't remember shit, so I'm just going to forget this anyway, which sucks. | ||
| Dude, I remember death in the shopping mall from when I was like, I can't even believe I remember that. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's really impressive. | |
| If you're out there, boys, thanks for having me in your basement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cool as fuck. | |
| You think maybe they're fucking incubus now? | ||
| You have no idea, you know? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Yeah, they're probably not around anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think Chrisalia checked out. | ||
| He's thinking about traffic. | ||
| He's like, it's fucking four o'clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm not going to be able to do it. | |
| I got to drive because Rogan lives in the fucking suburbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't as far as I thought. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you got to stick to the road, stay off the moors. | ||
| Do you use Waze? | ||
| That's the move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, it's the best. | |
| Oh, it's the move. | ||
| You drive through some weird neighborhoods. | ||
| People are so pissed. | ||
| People that never had anybody in their neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It should probably be that. | |
| How does it not catch on more, dude? | ||
| Because people like us don't talk about it that much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think Chris Leah checked out. | |
| I check out too, man, sometimes. | ||
| Podcasts are what you got to, it's a sustained podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can do like an hour and a half. | |
| We're like two and a half hours in now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, really? | |
| Well, that went quick, though. | ||
| Dude, we're friends. | ||
| Chat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's good. | |
| What was the last time we did two years ago? | ||
| The first one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe even more. | |
| We've become good friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We see each other all the time, yeah. | ||
| We're colleagues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're out there in the battlefield. | ||
| The battlefield of jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cool to do the fucking comedy store, man, and like to be. | |
| I try to think about like I'm so fortunate to like be a part of that. | ||
| Like ever since like you came back and like, you know, it's just so and it was always cool, but like I loved the club always. | ||
| And I know I think you did too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Always. | ||
| But then like you came back and then like other guys kept other guys came up and they, you know, they let. | ||
| It's also Eric and Adam too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're, yeah. | |
| Yeah, Eric and Adam, they've changed the atmosphere of the place. | ||
| It's now super comedian friendly and supportive. | ||
| It's just, it's a different place. | ||
| It's crazy how great it is now. | ||
| Yeah, and everybody enjoys it too. | ||
| Like everybody, like, we look at each other, we're like, whoa, we're here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You know, could have been born in Afghanistan. | ||
| Could have been living in the middle of the mountains somewhere in Nepal. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sucking goat tits, trying to get some moisture. | |
| We all could have been trying to win trophies in the forest, man. | ||
| Win trophies. | ||
| In the woods. | ||
| In the forest. | ||
| The kumite. | ||
| No rules. | ||
| Come back. | ||
| Hands are perfect. | ||
| No cuts. | ||
| Empty duffel bag. | ||
| Yeah, maybe he rubs dirt on his face. | ||
| Can't believe it. | ||
| I won, dude. | ||
| Killed them all in the first round. | ||
| Everybody's dead. | ||
| That's like something a seven-year-old would come up with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| Hey, this is what I'll do. | ||
| I'm going to get a trophy. | ||
| I'm going to write deadliest man in the world. | ||
| And I'm going to put that trophy in a duffel bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then I'm going to go deep. | |
| Deadliest man in the world. | ||
| It says deadliest man in the world. | ||
| I'll never forget when I was first starting to take martial arts. | ||
| There's this kid who came to my high school. | ||
| And he's with this girl. | ||
| And the girl was like really pretty. | ||
| And she didn't talk much. | ||
| She was like in my class, and he wasn't. | ||
| He was from another school. | ||
| And he had a jean jacket on. | ||
| He looked like fucking Billy Jack. | ||
| This guy was like real skinny and like wiry looking. | ||
| And someone said he did karate, man. | ||
| This guy did karate. | ||
| And he was smoking a cigarette. | ||
| And I remember he had someone hold their hand up so he could demonstrate his moves in front of everybody. | ||
| Everybody's scared. | ||
| And he did an inside crescent kick. | ||
| Swack. | ||
| Swag the guy's hand. | ||
| And everybody was like, ooh, that's the real shit. | ||
| That's the real shit. | ||
| And I'll never forget that. | ||
| I remember thinking that guy, I was watching him going, I think that guy's full of shit. | ||
| But I didn't know anything back then. | ||
| Do you know if he was now here? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Oh, he was. | ||
| Now I'd be laughing. | ||
| But I looked at him back then. | ||
| I was like, I think there's something wrong. | ||
| I think that guy just knows how to throw his leg in the air. | ||
| I don't think that's a real kick. | ||
| It was something about it. | ||
| I was like, that is not a real kick. | ||
| You could just lie, man. | ||
| And just, I'm a fucking, you know, pilot. | ||
| The way he threw it was like, it was so stupid. | ||
| His leg fucking went up in the air. | ||
| It just was so ineffective in a real life scenario. | ||
| Not that the crescent kick doesn't work. | ||
| It's just the way he did it. | ||
| Something my brain registered. | ||
| But I didn't know anything back then. | ||
| You can. | ||
| Remember I told you about that book, Gift of Fear? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, about how you can sense shit like that and then you know you know it even though you don't know you know it. | ||
| That's Blink. | ||
| Malcolm Gladwell's thing, Blink. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Blink. | ||
| Blink, Malcolm Gladwell's book is about that. | ||
| Oh, it's the same thing about that. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Yeah, I just read it. | ||
| It's all essentially about how there's certain things where you know immediately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just finished the audio book. | ||
| But we were conditioned to cover it up and be like, no, that's not right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, that's why you talk to all these women and they were like, I knew something was wrong before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of times you know something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's one great story in the book where they were talking about this statue that was this incredible ancient Roman statue. | ||
| I think ancient Roman or ancient Greek. | ||
| I forget which one. | ||
| But it was a forgery. | ||
| And it, but it was perfect. | ||
| Like the way it looked, it was amazing. | ||
| But they brought it in front of these art collectors and they looked at it for a second and they went, this is not, this is not good. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| Like they immediately, there was something about it. | ||
| Like they had done testing on the surface of it. | ||
| They didn't know what it was? | ||
| They just felt it? | ||
| the stone came from a certain part of the world this ancient part of the world that it was ancient stone by the amount of uh some sort of uh mineral on the uh outside of it they realized that it had been sitting in the ground for thousands of years they thought turned out Bullshit. | ||
| They just, there was a, there was a method that they used to create this artificial surface, and the whole thing was a fraud. | ||
| It was all fake. | ||
| And they, you know, they put it in like famous museums and shit. | ||
| It's a fascinating story, but the art experts, just whatever the fuck it was, they just knew immediately. | ||
| And they called bullshit on it when all these other people had already signed off on it and even paid for it. | ||
| And even asked, one of the experts asked, can you get your money back? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| Blink, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I definitely would like to read that. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's really interesting about split-second judgments, like weird things that you make. | ||
| Like you think you know something. | ||
| Did I ever tell you the Callan story about this one, one of the craziest girls you ever dated? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I meet Callan at the place, the Irish pub that was on Sun. | ||
| Dublins. | ||
| They used to stand up at. | ||
| I meet Callan at Dublin's, and he's like, I want you to meet this girl I'm dating. | ||
| He brings the girl over. | ||
| The girl says hi to me. | ||
| I look at her and I go, come here. | ||
| And I pull him aside. | ||
| I go, dude, listen to me. | ||
| She's fucking crazy. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| I go, she's crazy. | ||
| He goes, how do you know? | ||
| I go, I know. | ||
| I go, I know crazy. | ||
| You got to listen to me. | ||
| I go, that's a fucking insane person. | ||
| That's a dangerous person. | ||
| No, man, she's cool. | ||
| She just gets nervous around you. | ||
| Cut to. | ||
| She's doing meth. | ||
| She's a prostitute. | ||
| She has a pimp. | ||
| He finds her like, like after they break up, he runs into her street walking. | ||
| She's street walking. | ||
| He sees her in front of the coach and horses, walking in the street. | ||
| She's like a lowest level prostitute you can get, right? | ||
| How did he not? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| But yeah, it's that first reaction. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I've never done that before. | ||
| I've never done that ever. | ||
| I've never looked at someone and said to my friend, that girl's fucking face. | ||
| It's a bit of a stretch because with Callan, almost every girl he dated was nuts until he met his wife. | ||
| They were all out of their fucking shit. | ||
| Callan's off to me about how he's like, you got to meet my friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, four times I did it, and then I'm like, like a fucking, literally like a turtle will show up. | |
| And I'll be like, I don't want to know a turtle. | ||
| He's too nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking Callan. | ||
| He just likes everybody. | ||
| Oh, my buddy. | ||
| And now he fucking texts me all the time. | ||
| His buddy's crazy. | ||
| He's doing meth. | ||
| He's trying to get you in the Olympics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm like, I'm working out too hard for this shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like stretching. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my favorite blink story, though. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| Just something about her. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I just looked at it. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is not good. | ||
| Yeah, I believe in that shit for sure. | ||
| Especially with women. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Women's intuition. | ||
| But haven't you been caught? | ||
| I've been fooled before that Rafael Torrey guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He fooled me. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. | ||
| I didn't see it with him. | ||
| But in the book, Gift of Fear, they say that. | ||
| Like, you always knew somehow, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think you always think that when shit goes wrong. | ||
| True retrospect. | ||
| You're like, God damn it, I fucking know. | ||
| I know I knew. | ||
| I didn't follow my instincts. | ||
| Could be some fill-in-the-blank bullshit. | ||
| Speaking of fill-in-the-blank, if you're looking for something to do tonight, Crystalia's new Netflix special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's out. | |
| It's been on fire. | ||
| That's how you should do your podcast, man. | ||
| You should do just a bunch of random plugs out of nowhere. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| It's on Netflix. | ||
| Is this your second or third one on Netflix? | ||
| Third special, second one on Netflix. | ||
| What was the other one? | ||
| Comedy Central, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Netflix don't take over the game, Kristen. | |
| I did my first one on Comedy Central, and it was, it was still, that was still the place to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then my second one, I was like, I'll do it on Netflix. | ||
| And now it's just like. | ||
| You're pretty prolific, too. | ||
| Like, when did you do your first one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was 33, and then 31. | |
| So four years ago, so 2013. | ||
| No, so well, my last one came out in 2014. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And then the one before that came out when I was 31. | ||
| So 2012, yeah. | ||
| I did kind of two back-to-back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then my agent was like, I was like, I wanted to do this one last year. | ||
| And he was like, my agent was like, how many specials do you want to do? | ||
| And I was like, that's a really good point. | ||
| I'll wait. | ||
| That's not a good point. | ||
| Fire your fucking agent. | ||
| Listen, listen, fuckface. | ||
| You tell me what theater I'm working in Toledo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't tell me what to do with my act. | ||
| Well, he wasn't telling me what to do, but I was like, That's what I get. | ||
| You think I'm his bitch? | ||
| The way I feel. | ||
| You know what I think about Dalia is he's his agent bitch. | ||
| He's his agent's bitch. | ||
| No, the dude is fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a great guy, but he is his agent's bitch. | |
| He wears a collar on him just to keep him in line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When he goes to his office, the first thing he does. | |
| He asks me to want a glass of water. | ||
| He gives him a bowl. | ||
| A bowl on the ground. | ||
| All right, Chris Dalia. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| It's on. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And you have your own podcast. | ||
| Tell people about your own podcast. | ||
| It's called Congratulations, and I really like doing it. | ||
| That's a perfect name for your podcast. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a good one for me. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| You're retarded. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good one. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| And that's available iTunes, all that stitcher. | ||
| Stitcher, Google Player. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| YouTube. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it. | ||
| We'll wrap this up. | ||
| Bring this bitch home. | ||
| Tomorrow, youngest ever UFC heavyweight champion and my good friend Josh Barnett will be here. | ||
| And we'll see you soon. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for tuning into the podcast. | ||
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|
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And we did it. | |
| We did it. | ||
|
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We did it, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| Okay. | ||
| There's an interesting article on the website about coconut oil. | ||
| A lot of people have been saying, asking a lot of questions about the American Heart Association had some thing about coconut oil and saturated fats and things being bad for you. | ||
| And it's being widely criticized by people who are big fans of saturated fat. | ||
| So if you want to read the full article and decide for yourself, it's really, it will be one of those things where you're like, Hmm, am I deciding for myself or am I trying to sort this out? | ||
| Most of the time, it's like try to sort this out, try to figure out who's right and who's telling the truth. | ||
| But there's also a bit of a critique on the American Heart Association. | ||
| It says the American Heart Association advisory wasn't spurred by the emergence of a new study, but rather, in parentheses, by the researchers' own admission, was done in reaction to a bunch of other ones they didn't like, specifically a 2014 meta-analysis, | ||
| which is in parentheses a review of multiple studies from the annals of internal medicine that found that there isn't evidence to support recommendations to consume high amounts of polyunsaturated fatty acids and low amounts of saturated fat. | ||
| This is very complicated stuff, so I'm going to bore the shit out of you at the end of this already long podcast. | ||
| But it is an interesting debate because it's like one month you're told coconut oil is amazing for you. | ||
| It's like a superfood. | ||
| MCT oil, one of the best things you can have for your brain. | ||
| And then all of a sudden there's a new thing that comes out that says it's not. | ||
| Who's right? | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| And read into it because I'm not the expert. | ||
| I'm not the one. | ||
| But I have not stopped eating the way I've been eating, which is I eat a lot of avocados. | ||
| I eat a lot of coconut oil, a lot of MCT oil. | ||
| I eat a lot of healthy fats. | ||
| Try to take in salmon and some other healthy fatty fish and fatty meats whenever I can. | ||
| And I'm healthy as fuck. | ||
| But that might just be me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, everybody's body's different too. | ||
| That's also part of this whole equation. | ||
| Point being, the Honored Academy has an awesome link about that that you should check out and read and, you know, help you make up your mind. | ||
| But I always advise people to experiment. | ||
| Try a bunch of different kinds of diets and a bunch of different ways to eat. | ||
| For me, the lower carb, higher fat, low, low sugar diet or choices have been the best for me, the way I feel. | ||
| Boy, I fucking talk a lot, huh? | ||
| Yeah, that's what we're doing. | ||
| All right, this podcast is over. | ||
| Tomorrow, Josh Barnett will be on. | ||
| He's a good buddy of mine, former UFC heavyweight champion, the youngest ever, and very smart dude. | ||
| Really smart dude. | ||
| And you want to talk about a guy who shatters stereotypes of big meathead-looking cage-fighting motherfuckers. | ||
| Josh Barnett's probably the best one for that because very wise guy. | ||
| And then I'll see you guys this weekend at the Ice House. | ||
| Okay, bitch. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| See you soon. |
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