Feb. 13, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:01:45
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Five, four, three, two, one. | |
| Nick DiPaolo, ladies and gentlemen! | ||
| Joey Boy! | ||
| Nick, how do we become old men that don't understand computers and technology anymore? | ||
| How'd that happen? | ||
| Even if I was 20, I still wouldn't get it. | ||
| I'm not smart enough. | ||
| You would doubt it. | ||
| Stop being so hard on yourself. | ||
| Your boy Jamie seems to have a grasp on it. | ||
| Jamie's on the ball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He must be German. | |
| No, he's just on the ball. | ||
| He just understands shit. | ||
| He understands certain shit that I... Is there anything that I understand that you don't understand? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of shit about cars. | ||
| And chicks, right? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| A lot of things about cars, but that's just because you don't pay attention to cars. | ||
| It doesn't register. | ||
| Some of it just goes in and out. | ||
| Car stuff? | ||
| I've heard about it a lot. | ||
| Some things with electronics is the same way. | ||
| There's a certain level of electricity. | ||
| I'm scared of electricity. | ||
| Ohms and stuff like that. | ||
| I don't want to die, so I just stop listening. | ||
| My buddy Jimmy Dettilio from Newton, Newton, Mass. | ||
| He's an electrician and one of the guys that he used to work with. | ||
| Well, I'll never forget this. | ||
| He was telling me this. | ||
| Oh, look, someone likes to fucking hear the ding every time the text goes off. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| The ding! | ||
| That's so bad. | ||
| I'm shutting off. | ||
| Electricity. | ||
| He was working with this guy, and I don't remember what he was working on, but the guy just got just totally zapped, blew off all of his skin. | ||
| His fucking ears are gone. | ||
| His eyelids are gone. | ||
| I mean, it just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he survived. | |
| He became a monster, but survived. | ||
| And I'll never forget that. | ||
| I'll never forget him telling me about that guy. | ||
| And from that moment on, from when I was like 16, I've been fucking terrified of electricity. | ||
| Yeah, because you can't see it and shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| We live in a box, right? | ||
| And in the walls of this box is this fucking invisible thing that if you stick a fork in there, it'll kill you. | ||
| Just blow your fucking brains out. | ||
| Well, it actually does. | ||
| It's like a fail-safe, right? | ||
| If you stick a force in it, you just get a horrible jolt. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's the difference between alternating current and direct current, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| If I knew that answer, I wouldn't be afraid of it. | ||
| Well, apparently in England, they have a far higher level of electricity that's going through their walls. | ||
| Yeah, because the shit, when you go over there, you have to have special adapters. | ||
| Yeah, that shit just kills everybody that's stupid. | ||
| We let the stupid people live. | ||
| In England, if you stick a fork in the wall, it finds your whole family and kills them, too. | ||
| It's apparently super powerful. | ||
| I was changing the filter. | ||
| I have a generator, a cola generator. | ||
| You know, it runs on, like, natural gas and shit. | ||
| Oh, for in case the winter comes, when winter comes. | ||
| I live at the end of a dirt road in the woods. | ||
| So when the power goes out, mine's usually the first house to go out. | ||
| And it kicks right, it's the best thing I ever did. | ||
| But I'm out there like fucking changing the filter. | ||
| And then all of a sudden I look over and there's little instructions like on the inside of the door saying, you have to disconnect the battery. | ||
| Oh no, and you're not. | ||
| I got like a fucking can of Coke in my hand. | ||
| You know, I can hardly see what I'm doing. | ||
| Screwdriver in your mouth. | ||
| Yeah, I am frightened of that shit. | ||
| When I lived in Colorado, we had one of those. | ||
| It was running on propane. | ||
| So when the power would go out, it's awesome. | ||
| The power would go out, it goes click, and then... | ||
| Right up. | ||
| You would hear it immediately. | ||
| In one second, it just fucking... | ||
| The guy that told me the house told me to get it. | ||
| He had like a small one. | ||
| He said you should get her, you know. | ||
| Does yours run on propane? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's 250 gallons. | ||
| Yeah, that lasts a long time too, right? | ||
| 250 gallons lasts a few days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable. | |
| It ran for, we had last year, we had a storm in Nepal and it ran for two and a half days and it only moved the needle like a little. | ||
| It was like, this is the fucking balls, man. | ||
| I know, it is kind of crazy how little it uses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, when that big storm hit, was that like a year or two years ago where the one where there was no food and people were going to Dunkin' Donuts and eating up all the croissants? | ||
| There was like nothing there. | ||
| That just goes to show you how goddamn fragile our whole structure is. | ||
| We have this false sense of security that... | ||
| Much more so over there than over here. | ||
| Over here, at least it doesn't get cold. | ||
| But over there, you know, when you get trapped and it snows, you're kind of fucked. | ||
| Like, I just got back from New York. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I just flew back yesterday. | ||
| And I was supposed to fly in on Thursday, but they got hit with 14 inches, and everything just shut down. | ||
| They just canceled the flight. | ||
| I was headed to Chicago. | ||
| Mine got canceled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So... | ||
| You know, then the airlines, like, they do you a favor. | ||
| They send you a text, like, at 3 in the morning while you're sleeping. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| We found you another booking. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| It's a fucking LaGuardia, which is 48 miles from my house. | ||
| It's 7 a.m. | ||
| You're sitting in seat 48G. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to fucking... | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| And I had to change in Louisville, and I did that, and we sat on the tarmac for two hours. | ||
| That's always fun. | ||
| This is why I don't do the road anymore. | ||
| People out here yell at me, you never come to California. | ||
| I go, I'll drive to New Jersey, make the same money in one night. | ||
| Also, it's hard to get out here in the winter, especially. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was on the tarmac yesterday, and they had to de-ice, and then we apparently sat on the runway too long, and we had to go back and de-ice again. | ||
| Whatever, I'm complaining. | ||
| It used to take six months to get over here on a horse. | ||
| No, but it's still fucking aggravating. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| They used to ride horses. | ||
| They used to take a horse with a wooden wheeled fucking sled behind it, and you used to tow that, and your baby would be on the sled with your wife, and everybody would be scared of Indians. | ||
| They still do that in Tulsa. | ||
| I don't think they do that anymore. | ||
| I actually... | ||
| I actually... | ||
| But people make fun of the flyover states. | ||
| And I sit in New York traffic, because now I live in the suburbs like an asshole. | ||
| I have to drive into the city. | ||
| And the mayor does not want cars in the city. | ||
| He's made it impossible. | ||
| There's bike lanes on both sides of you. | ||
| There's skateboard lanes. | ||
| There's lanes for old people. | ||
| Where is this? | ||
| In New York City. | ||
| Is that hard? | ||
| It doesn't move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| No, the city doesn't work anymore. | ||
| They changed the lanes? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| You should not bring your car in, and I do all the time, like an idiot. | ||
| While I'm sitting there, and I'm complaining in my car, I go, you know, I would fucking kill to live in Tulsa right now. | ||
| Eight minutes downtown to pick up something. | ||
| I think everybody has a totally different opinion of the flyover states now that Trump's president. | ||
| They're like, oh, they get to vote, too. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I always liked them. | ||
| No, you're exactly right. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Oh, their votes work. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| They're paying attention to it, Ohio? | ||
| Well, that was a really good point that a lot of people had when Trump got elected, was that all these people that live in these predominantly liberal areas, like California and New York in particular, New York City and California, They were all like, oh my god, Trump is horrible. | ||
| Oh my god, Trump is horrible. | ||
| We love Hillary. | ||
| We're so excited to have our first female president. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| Do you know anybody that's voting for Trump? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Because they're so insulated, they literally don't know any conservatives, so they were convinced that she was getting in. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| They said if you take out LA County and New York City, That, like, he would have won the popular vote, too. | ||
| Not even the whole state of California, just LA County and, like, a couple of bars in New York City, he would have, like, won the popular vote. | ||
| And you're right, they're in a bubble. | ||
| And what's crazy is, like, he's not a good candidate. | ||
| It's not like he's, like, the perfect Republican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, absolutely not. | |
| He's not like some Ronald Reagan character. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Some upstanding guy who just look at him and, like, yeah, that's a president right there. | ||
| No, it's chaos. | ||
| No, which is kind of refreshing. | ||
| You like it? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Everybody, for the last 30 years, I don't want to go there, but you guys know I'm a right-winger, so I'm not fucking... | ||
| I'm sure your fans don't like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A right-winger? | |
| Well, no, I'm labeled that. | ||
| Are you a right-winger, or are you more of a centrist? | ||
| No, I am a centrist, but people in show business, if you lean right on two issues out of 400, you're a fucking Nazi. | ||
| Yeah, I've been called a right-winger. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I'm a pot-smoking hippie for the most part. | ||
| I know, you're a nice blend. | ||
| You're like fucking Jerry Brown when he was... | ||
| When he was sane? | ||
| Yeah, when he was sane. | ||
| That crazy fuck. | ||
| I can't believe he's really the governor. | ||
| Nobody even notices. | ||
| California doesn't even need a governor. | ||
| Like, if he died and no one said anything, he'd be like, where's Jerry? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do you guys want to do? | ||
| Let's go eat. | ||
| Chipotle? | ||
| What do you want to eat? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| He doesn't show up much. | ||
| He just pops up every once in a while. | ||
| Nobody talks about him, ever, in this state. | ||
| And he's 70 what? | ||
| He's got to be 74. He's a thousand years old. | ||
| He is. | ||
| No one complains about him. | ||
| No one talks about him. | ||
| No one praises him. | ||
| It's just, he's a non-governor. | ||
| Like, when Schwarzenegger was the governor, everybody talked about him. | ||
| I can't believe the Terminator's the governor. | ||
| They had governator t-shirts at the fucking airport you could buy. | ||
| I mean, it was a real governor. | ||
| Like, we knew we had a governor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now, you ask the average person who just walked on the street, who's the governor of California? | ||
| They will fucking stare at you like you have three heads. | ||
| They don't even know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like that, well, is California going to succeed from the union or what? | ||
| We have to. | ||
| We have to. | ||
| It's like, you might as well. | ||
| All those assholes that are using non-organic. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Where is Governor Jerry Brown? | ||
| Governor Jerry, what is this? | ||
| This is 24 minutes ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was posted. | |
| There we go. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Governor Jerry Brown's office remains mum on his location. | ||
| Oroville grapples with emergency efforts... | ||
| Oh, you heard about that fucking dams ready to blow. | ||
| Holy Christ. | ||
| Yeah, they're evacuating the area. | ||
| While the governor... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Go back there. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| While the governor issued an emergency order Sunday, there has not been an update since. | ||
| His office was mum on his location. | ||
| Oh, he's fucking dead. | ||
| He's dead, and they don't want to give up position. | ||
| They're worried. | ||
| It sounds very Russian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember... | |
| The Russian leaders, all of a sudden you don't hear about them. | ||
| Or Scientology, when that guy's wife was missing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shush! | |
| No one talks. | ||
| Oh yeah, and Leah had the balls to ask where she was. | ||
| Dude, I had her on the podcast. | ||
| I know you did. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| I'd like to meet her. | ||
| She's a ballsy lady. | ||
| Yeah, Brooklyn Spitfire. | ||
| Yeah, she's a little animal. | ||
| Very interesting that she was a Scientologist her whole life. | ||
| It almost goes contrary to how she calls bullshit on everything. | ||
| Like, how the hell did you not call bullshit on that? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That's my first question when I watch that stuff. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| You walked into some office in LA and they gave you some pamphlets and said, look, we can put these on. | ||
| How is Catholicism any less ridiculous? | ||
| I don't believe in that shit either. | ||
| I was forced to go to church until about 7th grade, and then I used to start wrestling my father, you know, breaking shit on something. | ||
| And he wasn't the religious one. | ||
| He was laying in his bed and going, go to church with your mother. | ||
| I think there's a real problem with having a right and having a left. | ||
| I think as soon as you have two sides that people can pick, people just get on one side and then fucking dig their heels in. | ||
| Well, I read that book recently, and it's been out for about 10 years. | ||
| I know your boy Alex Jones is mentioned a thousand times in it. | ||
| The truth about the Bilderberg Group. | ||
| It was written like 10 years ago. | ||
| They keep updating it. | ||
| I'll never vote again. | ||
| It really is like 40 people running the whole fucking plan. | ||
| Well, if it really is, though, how the fuck did Trump get in? | ||
| Because I don't think they wanted him in. | ||
| No, but that's it. | ||
| He's a part of it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So it's a trick. | ||
| But he doesn't know he's a part of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| That's how deep it runs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't. | |
| I swear to God, dude. | ||
| You haven't read this one? | ||
| No. | ||
| The guy's name is Daniel Estulin. | ||
| E-S-T-U-L-I-N. It's about eight, nine years old, this book. | ||
| And you, old fuck, I read it on vacation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I was walking around the beach. | ||
| I didn't see anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was in a fog, going, I can't believe what a sucker I've been my whole life. | |
| I remember I fucking bombed in Connecticut, not in Connecticut, in Pennsylvania once, because a buddy of mine gave me a copy of Best Evidence by David Lifton. | ||
| It's a conspiracy book about the assassination by this guy, David Lifton, assassination of JFK, by this guy who was... | ||
| He was apparently an accountant, and he was given some task to write some paper about the president or about the Warren Commission. | ||
| And as he was going through the Warren Commission, which is just this enormous thing, many, many volumes, he found all these inconsistencies and things that didn't make sense, and no one expected everyone to read, you know, whatever the fuck it is, 900 volumes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So this asshole read it all, and then he just went into detail about how ridiculous the Warren Commission report was, and then he started investigating the actual facts behind the assassination itself. | ||
| It freaked me the fuck out. | ||
| I was like, they killed the president, man! | ||
| So you went on stage right after you read it? | ||
| Ate dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've done that, too. | |
| Nothing's funny. | ||
| Ate dick. | ||
| I've done that a couple times, goddammit. | ||
| Well, I did it when I was living in L.A. I read... | ||
| Robert Bork, Judge Bork's book. | ||
| To me, it crystallized a lot of shit that I was thinking. | ||
| I go, oh my god, all this is. | ||
| But I was living in LA at the time, and I'm trying to spew some of that shit like at La Jolla Comedy Store. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| La Jolla's a little bit more conservative. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because of the military. | ||
| The original room at the comedy store. | ||
| They weren't really having it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Some lady got so fucking mad at me at the original room where I was just saying that I don't think that women should be able to guard the White House. | ||
| You know that bit that I had? | ||
| And the bit was that I can't guard the White House either. | ||
| You know how I know? | ||
| Because I met Shaquille O'Neal and his dick is where my face is. | ||
| I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a shack attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. | ||
| Like, people are not fucking even. | ||
| We're not even. | ||
| And then the joke, and she was fucking screaming and yelling at me. | ||
| And I go, listen, stupid, I just said, I can't do it either. | ||
| I go, do you understand that? | ||
| Yeah, no, they don't hear that part. | ||
| They hear the part you said women shouldn't. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's all they glom onto. | ||
| I'm like, you know, and then I said, look, and this is where she gets really crazy and I wound up having to kick her out. | ||
| And I go, my favorite people in the world are all women. | ||
| I have a wife, I have three daughters. | ||
| They're my favorite people on the planet. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| But I could beat the fuck out of all of them. | ||
| And she went crazy. | ||
| She was like, that's it! | ||
| I'm like, what, I can't? | ||
| Line it up! | ||
| Set it up! | ||
| Set it up. | ||
| Put the house on me. | ||
| I'll fuck them up. | ||
| Give them weapons. | ||
| What you just crystallized there, I've been going through for like 30 years on stage. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| But I'm saying myself, I deal with physical combat on a daily basis almost. | ||
| I know what you can and can't do. | ||
| You can't leave a girl guarding the fucking White House by herself. | ||
| Unless you have that bitch in a RoboCop suit with fucking nuclear weapons, she's not going to pull it off. | ||
| I said, well, one of my bits was talking about women in the military. | ||
| This was, again, I think I was living in LA when I wrote it. | ||
| I go, I don't think they should be in the military because they don't throw that well. | ||
| I go, I don't think 20 soldiers should die because Pam's grenade toss landed a foot from the bunker. | ||
| And it's one of my best, you know, I did it on Letterman! | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But every time, there'll be a table of girls that would, you know, get their feathers on a whack. | ||
| Well, I'm not happy that Ronda Rousey lost, but in a way, it makes things easier, because there was a bunch of fucking people that were going, oh yeah? | ||
| What about Ronda Rousey? | ||
| She'll kick in, and I made the mistake of saying, like, hyperbole, okay? | ||
| I'm the master of hyperbole. | ||
| I exaggerate all the time. | ||
| I was like, she could probably beat half the men bantamweights in the UFC. Is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's definitely not true. | ||
| I shouldn't have said it at the time. | ||
| Now it's definitely not true. | ||
| She can beat a few that aren't good outside the sport. | ||
| Look, if she gets guys in the ground, she can fuck a lot of people up. | ||
| Her judo is 100% legit. | ||
| Her arm bars are amongst the best in the business. | ||
| Let's say I did some coke and she banged it to me. | ||
| She'll flip you on your head. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| I'm 55, I'm kidding. | ||
| She'll fuck you up. | ||
| But the point is... | ||
| Even with some coconut. | ||
| All these fucking women are like, what about Ronda Rousey? | ||
| I'm like, Ronda Rousey, okay. | ||
| And then, thank God, now that she's lost, everyone's relaxed with that. | ||
| And then the argument is, well, who'd she lost to? | ||
| Who fucked her up the most? | ||
| A lesbian. | ||
| I mean, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's exactly right. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| With the feminist movement, they used to... | ||
| You know, we can do anything men can do, but they wouldn't push the physical thing. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| But not anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| I was at Gotham Comedy Club about three years ago, and I'm doing... | ||
| A fight breaks out. | ||
| Had nothing to do with me. | ||
| Two tables. | ||
| Got into it. | ||
| I mean, a big... | ||
| There's a woman in the middle, standing in the middle. | ||
| A girl. | ||
| And I don't mean like a butch dykey... | ||
| She thinks that she can throw down. | ||
| She's got her hands up. | ||
| She throws a punch at one of the doorman. | ||
| Another doorman comes over and knocks her out. | ||
| Like she was fucking Larry Holmes in his 60s. | ||
| She went down like she was shot. | ||
| And I never heard any lawsuits or anything. | ||
| But she was throwing haymakers at the fucking doorman. | ||
| They really believe. | ||
| And again, like you said, Amanda Nunez. | ||
| I'd be scared of that, Brian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Amanda Nunez will knock a lot of dudes out. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| Again, lesbian. | ||
| Could be something there. | ||
| Well, yeah, she's half a guy. | ||
| You know, that was an interesting thing, too. | ||
| Which is fine. | ||
| Well, I mean, she's not. | ||
| She's all woman. | ||
| She just likes women. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You don't think some of her, she's got a little more, you know, less estrogen than my wife? | ||
| A little more man juice. | ||
| I think it's all by all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think so? | |
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm not being derogatory. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think she should be more celebrated than she is because she's the first ever woman lesbian champion in MMA. I mean, you don't see... | ||
| How come lesbians get their own designation? | ||
| Like, they're not just gay. | ||
| Like, it's LBG. You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lesbian, gay. | |
| It's lesbian and gay. | ||
| They get their own thing. | ||
| They're not just gay. | ||
| You can't be a gay woman. | ||
| You're also a lesbian. | ||
| A gay man is not a thing. | ||
| He doesn't have an extra thing. | ||
| It's not like you're also a thespian. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Now you're talking Tom Cruise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| I mean, lesbians are not just gay. | ||
| They have their own little designation. | ||
| That's how they want it. | ||
| They get what they want. | ||
| I was reading those, Joey, I was reading those, like the terms now. | ||
| Cisgender. | ||
| Oh yeah, those are wonderful. | ||
| They make tons of sense. | ||
| I ran out of printing paper. | ||
| I'm not shitting. | ||
| I was spitting out. | ||
| I was on like page 78. I ran out of paper. | ||
| And I just started reading them. | ||
| I actually do this in my special, my CISO special. | ||
| That's coming out Thursday. | ||
| I talk about the... | ||
| I go, it's so confusing. | ||
| The libs, you confuse everything. | ||
| Nobody knows what bathroom to use. | ||
| And I go, I was at a nightclub the other night. | ||
| Here's the ladies room right here. | ||
| And the men's room is right next to you. | ||
| And there's a pile of shit in the middle between the two doors. | ||
| With a tampon stuck in a fake mustache. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| And I'm not being derogatory. | ||
| I actually have a relative who's, like, transgender. | ||
| I wouldn't want to fucking have the deal, you know, but we're talking about these people like they make up 60% of the population. | ||
| That's where I get a little fucking angry. | ||
| Who's that guy from Roadhouse? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lesbian. | |
| The guy with the mustache that talks like this, you know, that guy who's always in, like, truck commercials. | ||
| Sam Elliott. | ||
| Sam Elliott. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's a great meme with Sam Elliott, and it was like, there used to be a time where we worried more about the safety of women and children than men who like to wear dresses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was one of those memes online. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit. | ||
| And someone put it up and everybody went crazy. | ||
| Because there's the thing, like, there are people who are fucking crazy who are men who like to wear dresses and want to pretend they're a woman. | ||
| There's transgender people and then there's sick fucks that also like to wear dresses and go into the women's room. | ||
| And if you open the door, you open the door to everybody. | ||
| Well, that's what I said to these young kids when I'm on stage, like these kids in their 20s. | ||
| I go, you should be taking advantage of this confusion. | ||
| You're at a nightclub, you see a hot chick, you just carry a little lipstick with you, slap it on, follow her into the ladies' room, and go, I identify as a dyke tonight. | ||
| Open that stall up. | ||
| I'm like Annie Lennox back when she used to wear suits. | ||
| But I'm definitely a woman. | ||
| Remember when Annie Lennox used to wear suits? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet dreams are made of this. | |
| I don't remember when that was big. | ||
| Were we looking at her going, we weren't questioning her sexuality. | ||
| She looks good in a suit. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| She has short hair. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| Did she come out? | ||
| There she is. | ||
| No. | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| She's all a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's just being freaky. | |
| Look, she actually looks good there, for Christ's sake. | ||
| Even with orange hair. | ||
| Fuck the shit out of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks like if Trump was transgender in his teens. | |
| Not even his teens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like when he's like 11. It looks like the president. | |
| What a weird haircut. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's gotta let his hair go. | ||
| I want to talk to him. | ||
| I want to get him on mushrooms, get him to shave his head. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Trump. | ||
| Change a lot. | ||
| He should let it go gray. | ||
| Well, he's not just gray. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is going on up there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| There's like so much stuff happening in his head. | ||
| Well, he's got to trim around the ears. | ||
| This isn't 1975. I'm just saying. | ||
| Not to get too picky. | ||
| He likes keeping it long so he can fucking spin it around and cover all the barren lands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's true. | |
| You can hide a lot of deficiencies. | ||
| He's definitely got something going on. | ||
| There's a whole theory as to what's happening in his hair, that there was a guy that ran a company that they would take hair, and they would buy hair from people in India, and then they'd bleach it to whatever color your hair is, and then they would attach it to your skull, these microfilaments. | ||
| Where do I get that done? | ||
| Well, it looked like shit, and they went out of business. | ||
| Except they had an office in Trump Tower, right below Trump's office. | ||
| And so the company went out of business, but their office still remains. | ||
| So the idea is that he's the only client, and Trump comes down, gets his hair done by this guy. | ||
| It was in like... | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| I want to say it was like Esquire or GQ, like one of those magazines, and it was like the secret behind Trump's hair. | ||
| There's this whole investigative report on Trump's hair. | ||
| It sounds like a plot for CBS sitcom, you know? | ||
| Did you see what was going on in, I think it was Chile, there was a paper, a newspaper that had a photo of Trump, but they used the Alec Baldwin picture instead of the Donald Trump picture? | ||
| They fucked up? | ||
| Or they did it on purpose. | ||
| Probably did it on purpose. | ||
| But it's hilarious. | ||
| NBC will be doing that and go, oh, we fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| This is what the guy used to do. | ||
| The placing of the micro cylinders. | ||
| So it's like these little things they glue to your hair. | ||
| So it looks like the hairs are coming straight out of your scalp because they glue these little tiny hula hoops with hair attached to it, I guess, and it sticks right out of your hair, right out of your head. | ||
| Yeah, I don't totally understand it. | ||
| It's probably like pubes from a third world country. | ||
| Apparently it looked like shit, which makes sense because his hair looks like shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Look at that. | ||
| See? | ||
| 500 hair is added in 90 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| He's got this thing going on. | ||
| All right, now I'm interested. | ||
| It's just like his hair, see? | ||
| I mean, that is like Trump's hair, right? | ||
| That is, yes. | ||
| So this guy was bald, and now he's got this flop. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| See? | ||
| That's a wave in Hawaii somebody should be riding. | ||
| Like, his hair doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's like there's so much volume, but so little volume at the same time. | ||
| Well, yeah, when you're 70, it shouldn't be long in the back. | ||
| Well, all of it's chaos. | ||
| Like, why not just shave your fucking head, bro? | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| You're worth a fucking hundred billion dollars. | ||
| Your wife is not down with you because of the way you look, you know? | ||
| Like, shave your fucking head. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| But when you're that age and you got that much hair, you don't want to shave it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| The whole thing's stupid. | ||
| Like, you look good with a bald head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I feel good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm not just kissing your ass, but you do. | ||
| But he would, I mean, something tells me he's got like a big veiny giant skull that would scare the shit out of both Republicans and Democrats. | ||
| Yeah, like an ogre's dick. | ||
| I don't know what that looks like. | ||
| Just veiny and angry. | ||
| Big slot in the top. | ||
| Imagine if we found out he really was a dickhead. | ||
| Like he's got a hole. | ||
| Like a whale hole. | ||
| On the top of his head. | ||
| And it's just pre-coms leaking out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Cover it. | ||
| Cover it. | ||
| Sad. | ||
| On the plane on the way to Chicago, I opened the airplane magazine because I fucking forgot to bring my shit. | ||
| So I'm reading that, and there's Joe Rogan, front and center, talking about Valentine's Day. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I go, what is he saying? | ||
| I wrote something that was so outrageous. | ||
| No, but it was really good. | ||
| Well, what they put in there was like a fraction of what I wrote. | ||
| What I wrote was filled with swear words and talking about sex. | ||
| No, Joe, come on. | ||
| You were just letting Lily your female sideshow. | ||
| Well, my female side is all they left in. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| The guy asked me to write something. | ||
| I'm like, I'll write something. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| So I smoked a joint and I wrote something crazy and I sent it to them and they're like, well, they have to edit it heavily. | ||
| I'm like, let them. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| And so what's in there is like barely mine. | ||
| But it made sense. | ||
| It was kind of like, oh my God. | ||
| Because you said like in a few years, what the grasp of the whole article was, you're saying, let it out. | ||
| It's like you love your wife, write it in a card and stuff. | ||
| Let that shit out because in a few years we're going to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Wasn't that the gist? | ||
| And it made sense, and I usually don't believe in that shit. | ||
| I'm like, ooh. | ||
| We're about 30 years away from being mind-reading robots. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| I don't think we're going to be... | ||
| I think we're going to be some sort of a combination of people and machine within the next 30 years. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| If you think about how close we are with communication, about how we can tweet and send pictures and share information so quickly, almost instantaneously, then the next possible step is that we're going to be closer than that. | ||
| We're going to have that shit in your head, and we're going to be communicating. | ||
| Are they going to put a chip in us or something, you mean? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| They're already doing it, aren't they? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I know, the audience I played in Chicago, it seemed like they had chips. | ||
| They didn't like you? | ||
| No, it was great. | ||
| You ever do that? | ||
| I love Chicago. | ||
| But this is Rosemont. | ||
| Yeah, that place is great. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Joey Diaz just did his CISO special there. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they told me. | ||
| Fucking great room. | ||
| Great room. | ||
| She goes to me, she goes, but she even warned me, she goes, the Saturday crowd, I sold out three out of four shows, which I was excited about. | ||
| She goes, the Saturday early show might be, they get a little rowdy. | ||
| I'm on stage, five minutes, I'm making fun of Hillary. | ||
| Oh, they got mad at you. | ||
| I'm like, no, just one fat, ugly bitch got mad at me. | ||
| I wanted to kick her fucking ugly head off her shoulders, this chubbit, fucking miserable. | ||
| I'm going, yeah, I could tell Hillary wasn't healthy. | ||
| I saw a shit stain in her pantsuit. | ||
| She's going up the stairs, and there's blood coming out of her nostril, earwax, and she goes, this lady right up in front of me goes, you're a fucking asshole, and gives me the finger. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's her hero, bro. | ||
| Why don't you be nice to her hero? | ||
| Fuck her hero and fuck her. | ||
| There's a new picture of Hillary and Bill. | ||
| Bill looks like he's wearing something from a motorcycle movie from the 1970s. | ||
| And Hillary is dressed like the villain in every kung fu movie. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| She's literally wearing a fucking... | ||
| I've joked around about that before, that she dresses like the villain in every kung fu movie, but this time she took it to the next level, and she literally has an Asian jacket on and some fucking scarf underneath it. | ||
| She's trying to cover up the turkey neck. | ||
| It's because she loves China. | ||
| It's her version of a comb-over. | ||
| She's just going up to the tip of the chin to hide the neck. | ||
| I live four miles from that house, huh? | ||
| I saw her in the woods the other day. | ||
| She's behind a rock crying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You live four miles from their house? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have a house in... | ||
| They have a house in Chappaqua. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Up in Westchester. | ||
| They probably have a hundred houses, those crooks. | ||
| How did they make so much money being civil servants? | ||
| Well, they didn't once they got out. | ||
| Well, even when they were in. | ||
| Well, I mean, he was given the majority of it when they started that foundation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We know how they made it. | ||
| I mean, they're selling influence all over the world. | ||
| That foundation just took a big hit. | ||
| Something just happened with that foundation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, yeah, they're going to shut it down now. | ||
| Because they were exposed during the election. | ||
| But there was a big article, like, very recently. | ||
| I didn't read it. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| Someone was telling me about it. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I should stop talking. | ||
| It's a podcast. | ||
| I plow one. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's where I step on the gas. | ||
| That's where I dig my heels in. | ||
| Start fucking swearing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about that picture I sent you yesterday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I pulled into a Fitzsimmons podcast. | |
| Clinton Foundation partner hiked opiate overdose reversal drug price by 680%. | ||
| That's very Republican of him. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So an opiate overdose reversal drug, which saves people from opiate- Yeah, and they hiked the price. | ||
| It's opioid? | ||
| Am I saying it wrong? | ||
| Opioid, right? | ||
| I'm saying it wrong. | ||
| Opioid refers... | ||
| Overdose refers... | ||
| It shouldn't be a word like that. | ||
| Opioid. | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| It's fucking heroin. | ||
| It's a heroin overdose. | ||
| Why do I have to say opioid? | ||
| Call it pure horse. | ||
| Opiates. | ||
| Overdose reversal drug by 680%. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure this is the story. | ||
| Well, we had investments. | ||
| We had to satisfy stockholders. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| But I support Hillary Clinton and women. | ||
| I support a woman's right to choose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A woman's right to choose. | |
| It's very important. | ||
| How many times have you heard the phrase strong woman in the last fucking 20 years? | ||
| Or nasty women. | ||
| Everyone's a nasty woman now. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| When Trump called her a nasty woman, then all of a sudden all these women had nasty woman as their Twitter handle? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Even Jen Kirkman. | ||
| She called herself Jen Nasty Kirkwoman. | ||
| She wasn't Kirkman anymore. | ||
| They're having fun with it, I guess. | ||
| They went nuts on that tape. | ||
| Trump loves to grab pussy. | ||
| So does Hillary. | ||
| What's the controversy? | ||
| Is that what you think? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Are you trying to say that? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| She burped in my face once. | ||
| What is it smellin'? | ||
| At a CVS. | ||
| Oh, like a three-day-old mackerel. | ||
| Like a can of smoked mussels that was left in the back of a minivan for three weeks in August. | ||
| I like smoked oysters. | ||
| Oh, I do too. | ||
| I'm not going to think about them now when I open them up. | ||
| I'm going to think of Hillary's breath. | ||
| You'll think of clits when you open oysters. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it looks like a mutilated clitoris. | ||
| I eat them because they're a good way of maintaining a ketogenic diet, Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Not because I'm disparaging them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I eat them too. | |
| I know about all that shit. | ||
| I saw you eating. | ||
| You put up those little videos. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was a Facebook Live or whatever. | ||
| You were making breakfast with five eggs and kimchi and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have like four or five eggs every month. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Oh, I fucking love them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good for you. | |
| Eggs are good for you. | ||
| Love them. | ||
| Those goddamn criminals, probably that work for the Clinton administration, they were trying to convince us for a long time that eggs are bad for you. | ||
| That cholesterol, listen to me folks, not bad. | ||
| Very good for you. | ||
| I saw you had like kimchi and it looked like it would last you two weeks. | ||
| That was like your breakfast. | ||
| That's because you're hyper still though, right? | ||
| I'm still hyper. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are, right? | |
| That's why I have this weight right here. | ||
| I need to work out while I'm talking to people. | ||
| And I want to try that elk roast you made. | ||
| I was fucking hoping you had some leftovers. | ||
| Well, my buddy John Dudley had this guy Chad Ward on his podcast. | ||
| Chad Ward is this barbecue master. | ||
| And he was basically saying that when I cook, that what I'm doing by grilling things over high heat, that you fuck it up because you dry out the meat somewhat. | ||
| So I was like, all right, what does he say to do? | ||
| He says, don't cook anything over 275 degrees. | ||
| I'm like, all right, I'll try it. | ||
| So I put an elk roast on last night. | ||
| I put a meat thermometer in that bitch. | ||
| Low and slow. | ||
| Low and slow. | ||
| For like an hour and a half, I cooked this roast. | ||
| It wasn't a big roast either. | ||
| Cooked it for an hour and a half, got it to 125 degrees. | ||
| Then I took a frying pan. | ||
| And you saired the outside of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, outside. | |
| Yeah, with butter. | ||
| Hot butter. | ||
| Elk and butter. | ||
| Then you wrap it up in aluminum foil and you put it in a cooler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because the cooler will keep it warm just like it keeps it cold, right? | ||
| I put it in a Yeti cooler. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is what all those barbecue masters do. | ||
| They let it finish in a cooler. | ||
| And then I pulled that bitch out and I sliced it up. | ||
| Holy shit, was he right. | ||
| I was looking at the pictures. | ||
| It was cooked fucking perfect. | ||
| Holy shit, was he right. | ||
| It was so delicious. | ||
| It was so much moister than any roast. | ||
| I cooked some delicious roasts in the past. | ||
| I'm a good cook, though. | ||
| I've been told that I cut into it too soon, and that's why there's all that blood. | ||
| That's why it's bleeding out. | ||
| It's like cutting a teenager. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I poured that blood all over it. | ||
| I enjoyed that blood. | ||
| Okay, what's on the outside of it, Joe? | ||
| What's the rub? | ||
| Not to turn this into fucking Rachel Ray. | ||
| Kosher salt, black pepper, and garlic powder. | ||
| So I put all that on before I put it... | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| Before I put it into the grill. | ||
| Before I put it into the pellet grill. | ||
| Pellet grills, if you don't have one of those... | ||
| I don't. | ||
| They are the shit. | ||
| I have a pellet gun. | ||
| Oh, do you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You see squirrels and shit? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Pellet grills are the shit, because they maintain the same temperature, and it's all run on wood. | ||
| Because it's totally healthy, because they have an element, like a heating element in there, and they have these wood pellets. | ||
| And the wood pellets are made, when they cut wood for a table like this, they take the hardwood from that stuff, and then they compress it. | ||
| And the natural sugars in the wood allow it to stay in these pellets. | ||
| And the pellets, you can break them up in your hand. | ||
| They're really easy to break. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because they're not really solid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But when the heating element cooks them, then the heat from that and the fire from the pellets and the smoke flavors the meat. | ||
| So it's natural wood flavoring, 100% natural, no chemicals. | ||
| You can get flavored pellets, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, you can get apple. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| You can get apple wood. | ||
| You can get oak. | ||
| You can get hickory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pussy. | |
| I don't think they have pussy flavor, but you can probably start it. | ||
| You could probably start your own company. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cockwood? | |
| Yeah, just have a bunch of girls just sitting there by the lumberyard, just take it, rub it on the snatch. | ||
| No, I saw that. | ||
| I'm like, that is cooked perfectly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice crunch on the outside. | ||
| The guy's definitely right, because before I was doing it all by eye and doing it by timing, but using a meat thermometer, I got the inside to 125 degrees, which is not quite enough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a little low, but then... | ||
| But it'll keep cooking. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So then when you sear it on the outside, it gets a little more inside because of that, and then when you wrap it up in aluminum foil, because the searing was only a few minutes, and then... | ||
| So you sear at the end. | ||
| Yeah, at the end. | ||
| Which is just the opposite of what people used to do, they'd sear the outside. | ||
| Well, this guy's a world champion barbecue guy, so I just listen to him. | ||
| But I don't know, man. | ||
| They do it differently at certain steakhouses. | ||
| But at steakhouses, you're cooking a beef steak. | ||
| And a beef steak is so filled with fat. | ||
| It's so different. | ||
| Now the elk, is it lean? | ||
| Super lean. | ||
| Is it still flavorful? | ||
| Oh, it's the most flavorful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Because lean meat usually isn't. | ||
| That's why people eat beef. | ||
| It's got a rich, different kind of taste to it. | ||
| Because it's such a healthy animal. | ||
| Because it's a giant fucking animal, and it's out there running around eating whatever the fuck it wants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not at this 7-Eleven at midnight getting yodels. | |
| It's like you're eating an athlete, you know? | ||
| It's like you're eating Carl Lewis' ass. | ||
| It's like you got something that can run and sprint. | ||
| Keep enticing me, Joe! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| I wanted to bring you back from the edge! | ||
| Is that what it said on the menu? | ||
| You started salivating, and then you think about Carl Lewis bent over a sofa. | ||
| No, after he ran a three-fucking-30. | ||
| Just pulling his ass apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tasted like... | |
| Should I have said Herschel Walker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It would have been better. | ||
| But you're getting this healthy, strong animal. | ||
| It just has more vitamins in it, more nutrients. | ||
| It tastes different. | ||
| It's more vibrant. | ||
| Plus, I fucking killed it, so I know where it came from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was there. | |
| You killed the elk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What, did you hit it on the 101 or something? | ||
| No, I shot it with a bow and arrow. | ||
| You're like my cousin. | ||
| He's a fucking killer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cousin? | |
| Cousin's a killer? | ||
| I'm not a bow and arrow guy. | ||
| To me, it's like, I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe it's not for everybody, but for me, it's the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you shot it at Inglewood? | |
| Yeah, I went to Inglewood. | ||
| I went to Watts. | ||
| I found it outside of a liquor store at 3 o'clock in the morning, bugling. | ||
| Where'd you go hunting, seriously? | ||
| That one, I think that was from Tahone Ranch, which is honestly not that far from here. | ||
| Oh, it was on a ranch and it was penned in? | ||
| That's not fair. | ||
| No, no, it's not penned in at all. | ||
| 270,000 acres, free range. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Upstate? | |
| No, it's upstate. | ||
| It's like a half hour outside of Bakersfield. | ||
| But it's a huge ranch, the biggest ranch in all of California. | ||
| And so I've been there. | ||
| I've hunted elk there. | ||
| I've got a deer that I shot in Iowa that I'm going to cook that way tonight. | ||
| Yeah, my cousin, that's what he does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bow and arrow is the way to go, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| It just takes way too long to learn how to do it for most people. | ||
| But it's not loud. | ||
| This is what my friend Cameron Haynes always likes to describe it. | ||
| He's like, when you go to the woods, everything is peaceful and quiet, and the gun's like, boom! | ||
| It all seemed out of place to me. | ||
| All the birds go, what the fuck? | ||
| But with a bow and arrow, it's almost silent. | ||
| It's like, plack! | ||
| And it's harder. | ||
| It's more of a sport. | ||
| It makes it even. | ||
| A little more even. | ||
| You gotta get way closer. | ||
| You gotta get way closer. | ||
| You gotta be, like, sitting on its back. | ||
| But you gotta be fucking sneaky, because that's what's really exciting about it. | ||
| Like, when you're stalking, like, one of the most fun hunts I went on, I failed. | ||
| I went to Nevada. | ||
| We went spot and stalk hunting for mule deer, and so you're, like, creeping up on these deer, and these fucking deer are so- What's a mule deer, Joe? | ||
| A mule deer is one of the largest deer species and it lives mostly in the west. | ||
| And that's a mule deer right there. | ||
| That's a mule deer right there. | ||
| That one with the velvet still in its ant. | ||
| It's a big deer and they live in the woods and you gotta creep up on these fuckers because they're used to being attacked by mountain lions. | ||
| So like, their ears are huge like a mule's ear. | ||
| That's why they call a mule deer. | ||
| And see how big their fucking ears are? | ||
| Like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| What's over there? | ||
| What's over here? | ||
| What's over here? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He had big fucking big ears. | ||
| You're not an Obama fan. | ||
| I'm an Obama fan as a statesman. | ||
| I don't think a lot of things he did wasn't very good. | ||
| No, that's a good point. | ||
| But as a statesman, I think he was an excellent representative of the United States. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| I buy that. | ||
| That's part of the problem with Trump, is that now assholes have a king. | ||
| You know, it's like, he's an asshole, I'm an asshole. | ||
| But see, that's what I like. | ||
| He's plain spoken. | ||
| That's what I like about him. | ||
| He's not a fucking professional politician. | ||
| You know, that's sort of what I like about him. | ||
| Well, I like that he's not a professional politician. | ||
| He's not the best messenger, don't get me wrong. | ||
| What do you like about him? | ||
| What do you like about him? | ||
| Did you vote for him? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| They're not going to let you leave. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Jerry Brown's going to raise up from his grave right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck Jerry Brown. | |
| Fucking hippie fuck. | ||
| We found one! | ||
| Smoke another joint, you dope. | ||
| Joints are not bad for you. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgot who I'm talking to, what show I was... | |
| I know. | ||
| See, that's why I confuse people. | ||
| I have guns and weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the two of them together. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I told you my weed story. | ||
| Or did I? Yeah. | ||
| When I ate the edible? | ||
| Yeah, well, edibles are a different trip. | ||
| Especially for a guy who hadn't had a joint since 1992. Yeah. | ||
| You should start super slow. | ||
| It was like doing acid. | ||
| For me, I fucking freaked out. | ||
| We were on vacation recently, and my wife can put away the fucking edibles. | ||
| She likes edibles. | ||
| She likes to eat edibles before she goes to bed, and our friend of ours, who is a guy from England, really great guy, very smart guy, doesn't smoke the pot, and doesn't smoke the pot at all, and my wife is like, I'm gonna take my medicine, and she takes it before she goes to bed, she likes it, relaxes her, and he's like, well, You know, what is that? | ||
| Every night? | ||
| Can I ask? | ||
| Yeah, every night. | ||
| Could she not sleep without it if she doesn't have it? | ||
| She can sleep without it. | ||
| She sleeps better with it. | ||
| But she goes down. | ||
| I mean, she fucking... | ||
| She doesn't get Joey Diaz doses, but she takes high doses. | ||
| So anyway, she gives some to our friend. | ||
| And she gives him half of what she takes. | ||
| I go, that's too much! | ||
| She's like, oh, he's gonna be fine. | ||
| This motherfucker, like an hour and a half later, was like, we have to check on the children. | ||
| Make sure they're still breathing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| He was so out of his mind! | ||
| The next day, he was still high. | ||
| The next day, woke up for breakfast, still high. | ||
| Just tripping his balls off. | ||
| Because when you eat it, it's a psychedelic drug. | ||
| It's not the same thing. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| First of all, like I said, literally, I hadn't smoked a joint. | ||
| I was never a weed guy since, like, the early 90s. | ||
| So just weed in general is stronger. | ||
| And then, to make it an edible, and then I did the typical rookie stupid thing. | ||
| I took a corner of it. | ||
| I waited about 31 minutes. | ||
| I'm like, this ain't doing shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Then I ate the rest like a Snickers bar. | ||
| Next thing you know, I'm like, fucking... | ||
| Those are the four words you should never say after you take weed. | ||
| I don't feel shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are my first words I said. | |
| You set yourself up for disaster. | ||
| Yeah, I had no idea, you know? | ||
| I didn't eat the whole thing, but I took another bite, and then I'm watching my fucking, like I said, my flat screen TV, 51 inch, and all of a sudden it looked like a black and white 11 inch TV. You start freaking. | ||
| And it sounded a mile away and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So I did what you're supposed to do in that situation. | ||
| I ran into a dark bedroom and stared at an alarm clock. | ||
| Well, you know what you should do if you're really fucked up like that? | ||
| Drink coffee. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| The coffee does counteract the cannabis. | ||
| That's one thing to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Okay. | ||
| If you're really freaking out, if you have too much pot in your system, drink coffee. | ||
| Another one, take a cold shower. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep, cold as fuck. | ||
| Just get in there and suffer. | ||
| Where you can't breathe? | ||
| You know those cold showers? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I love those showers. | ||
| I take those showers all the time, especially after yoga. | ||
| I take a hot yoga, and then I take a cold shower, like fucking as cold as it gets. | ||
| And you're wide awake. | ||
| If I could put ice in the water tank, I would do that. | ||
| It's just like, woo! | ||
| Mysterious illness linked to marijuana use on the rise in legal weed states. | ||
| That's Scott Adams. | ||
| What'd they do to him? | ||
| He got younger. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This story was going around for a couple weeks ago. | ||
| What? | ||
| This is at the end of the year. | ||
| It's called... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called brain damage. | |
| It's called cannabinoid hypermesis syndrome. | ||
| Is it real? | ||
| Oh, I had that a couple weeks ago. | ||
| I mean, you can look up a bunch of stories on it. | ||
| People went to the ER for it, but... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Nausea, vomiting, and crampy abdominal pain. | ||
| Walking off, pussy. | ||
| I get that from Chipotle. | ||
| This is how you clear it. | ||
| Hot showers or baths. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Relieved by hot showers. | ||
| Okay, maybe I'm giving the wrong advice. | ||
| They said just take a hot shower, not a cold shower. | ||
| Oh, I'm saying cold. | ||
| Thanks, Joe, for the information. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| You know why it says hot shower? | ||
| Because you're too much of a pussy to take a cold shower. | ||
| A cold shower probably cures you quicker. | ||
| I love cold showers. | ||
| Because it's like, it's suffering. | ||
| Yeah, it hurts. | ||
| You have to suffer in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| When I lived in a fraternity, University of Maine, a hot water heater broke down. | ||
| It's, yeah, February in Maine, okay? | ||
| Literally, minus 21 outside. | ||
| And we didn't have, I go in the shower, and it's so cold, you could feel each individual drop hitting you on the head like, it hurt. | ||
| It made my eyes water. | ||
| It's fucking burning. | ||
| Yeah, like almost 32 degrees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Just a shade over ice. | ||
| What I was doing, back in the Taekwondo days, there was this guy named Bob Caffarella, and he was one of my instructors' first black belts, and he was just a complete psycho. | ||
| And Bob Caffarella used to always take cold showers. | ||
| That's what he used to do. | ||
| He slept in the gym. | ||
| He lived in the gym. | ||
| He used to teach classes there for the longest time. | ||
| And he would take cold showers because it was good for the spirit. | ||
| This guy didn't take a fucking quick shower either. | ||
| He wasn't like, okay, we're done. | ||
| No, that dude would just sit in there. | ||
| We would all be terrified of him. | ||
| We'd get in that cold shower. | ||
| We knew how cold it was, and it was like a different level of psycho he was. | ||
| That's the horrible way to die. | ||
| You don't die that way. | ||
| You just get cold. | ||
| No, I'm just saying, people who have fallen through ice and shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Can you fucking imagine? | ||
| There's a photo that they found recently of a moose. | ||
| It was like half in, half out. | ||
| It just got tired trying to get out of the ice. | ||
| Because moose will walk on frozen lakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, they're fucking 1,800 pounds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they'll step in one area where it's not that thick, and this fucking went right through, and he just got stuck. | ||
| And he died? | ||
| Froze there. | ||
| Froze there, in the lake. | ||
| Like that lady in the news last week, the Good Will Bin. | ||
| You read that one, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| And somewhere, I think it was in Pennsylvania, she goes to a Goodwill bin to put some shit in. | ||
| Yeah, at two in the morning. | ||
| Although they said she had items out when they found her. | ||
| It sounds like she was robbing it to me, but she's in the Goodwill bin, two in the morning, the fuck, and she's on a foot ladder. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| The bin lid falls on her arm. | ||
| Breaks her arm and wrist. | ||
| She's hanging from the side of the bin. | ||
| The ladder falls. | ||
| She's caught there. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| That happened at 2 in the morning. | ||
| They find her frozen to death the next morning. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Is that not fucking horrible? | ||
| She's doing a nice thing. | ||
| Contributing clothes. | ||
| Talk about a no good deed. | ||
| And they find her hanging from the bin. | ||
| People do shit that they don't realize how risky it is. | ||
| Like, you ever see someone trying to fix their gutter with a ladder? | ||
| Oh yeah, that was my old man. | ||
| That's how Artie Lang's dad got paralyzed. | ||
| Fell up the roof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking ladders, man. | ||
| My old man would be on a ladder with fucking, like... | ||
| With like a cigarette worker and there would be a gas pipe a foot away, you know, welding something. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You're like, Dad, the guy from OSHA wants to talk to you. | ||
| I was at a gas station recently in Hollywood and some asshole came up to me and asked me about my car and he's smoking a cigarette. | ||
| And the guy who run the gas station is screaming at him, Get the fuck away from the gas! | ||
| Get the fuck away from the gas! | ||
| And he's like, Fuck you, bitch! | ||
| He's like this weird guy who's just hanging around the gas station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird guy? | |
| He sounds very black. | ||
| No, he wasn't black. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| He was like pretending to be. | ||
| No, I mean the Indian guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| Get the fuck away. | ||
| Get the fuck... | ||
| It was so caricature, because he was like a caricature of an Indian gas station owner. | ||
| But he really was an Indian gas station owner. | ||
| Like a Simpsons character. | ||
| There's a gas station that I go to. | ||
| It's run by Indians, and they even have like a fucking OM sign on the door. | ||
| It's like the peaceful gas station. | ||
| They're the nicest people. | ||
| They're all Indians that work there. | ||
| Super cool people. | ||
| Sometimes there'll be a table... | ||
| Like, when I'm doing a show, and they're hanging on every word, polite, and I point to everybody else, why can't you be like them? | ||
| As I say to the rest of the audience, look at this Indian table with manners and... | ||
| Yeah, Indians in general are very interesting people because they have a caste system that they don't, they just, they have rich people, like extremely rich people that exist with extremely poor people with no problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's real weird. | ||
| There's one of the richest men. | ||
| The thing is, they're all Indian. | ||
| That's the key to that. | ||
| Is that the key? | ||
| Oh, so there's too much integration here. | ||
| There's this extremely wealthy guy in India, and he has this fucking palace, and surrounding his palace is like utter slums and ghetto. | ||
| And he's got a golden palace. | ||
| And his name is Aziz Ansari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| It's Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Oh, Russell Peters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgot. | |
| There's a bigger guy. | ||
| I forgot about Russell. | ||
| Russell's the biggest Indian. | ||
| Well, he's one of the biggest comedians in the world. | ||
| He's also one of the biggest nice guys. | ||
| He is a sweetheart. | ||
| Met him in Toronto at the festival. | ||
| He takes us all to a Blue Jays game. | ||
| And he threw out the first pitch or some shit. | ||
| Couldn't have been nicer, man. | ||
| Russell Peters is living the goddamn dream. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| He's one of the greatest guys I've ever met in my life. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| And I don't know Aziz. | ||
| I used to see him at the Comedy Cellar, but I don't think he's a fan of mine. | ||
| I got that impression. | ||
| He's super left-wing. | ||
| I have zero problem with him. | ||
| I've always said hi to him. | ||
| I've always got along with him. | ||
| But other people have issues with him. | ||
| But I never know what that issue is. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You know, when someone has issues with someone, you're like, okay, are you jealous? | ||
| Are you a dick? | ||
| Do you think he got more than he deserved? | ||
| It's always, you know, it's hard to tell because the knock on some people are they're like, like someone said this to me and I don't agree with it, but this is what they said. | ||
| They were like, you know, well, the only reason why Aziz is famous at all is because he's Indian. | ||
| He's not funny. | ||
| No. | ||
| And I was like, well, that can't, that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| First of all, I know he's a fucking hard, hard worker, because I played up at Albany, and I was talking to Tommy Nicky, I think his name is, that runs Albany Club, and he told me Aziz came up, he was tightening up for like an arena, you know? | ||
| And he did, and one night he did five 45-minute sets. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| Five. | ||
| We worked together at the Comedy Store, and he and I did three shows in a row, back to back. | ||
| Three shows in a row, and he's got his notes out, and he's working on material to follow anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| But there's this thing that happens when someone becomes famous, where instead of people, like, even if you don't get it, there's a lot of people that I don't get. | ||
| I don't think they're famous, but I don't talk shit about them. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| After being, when we were younger, like, I'm much better now. | ||
| When you're younger, when you get into this business, you're like, how is he making it? | ||
| I'm not fucking making it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But then when you see how hard it is, and you've got to put the work in, regardless, like you said, in this comics, you might not like what they do, but as you get older, you can appreciate what it took to, right? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And speaking of that, let me ask you before I forget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know, I know, I'm like Bernie Sanders. | |
| He's writing a letter to the class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a thing here we have to deal with. | |
| It's called income inequality. | ||
| This thing is rigged. | ||
| I was in the bathroom. | ||
| I saw Hillary's balls. | ||
| She's got big balls. | ||
| Black Lives Matter! | ||
| Yeah, I tried to help him with that. | ||
| That's why he lost. | ||
| He couldn't get the black vote. | ||
| I said, change your first name to Colonel. | ||
| What the fuck gets right in front of you? | ||
| Nothing here in fucking Woodland Hills, Communist China. | ||
| Don't you know that you're talking about delicious food and that's racist? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this show that big where you have to worry about offending sponsors? | |
| I'm used to being in my basement by myself saying everything. | ||
| Our sponsors are fine. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| They've seen it all by now. | ||
| There's not a fucking single thing we could throw at them. | ||
| Although Match.com, they were one and done with me. | ||
| I was like, come on, everybody wants to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cut! | |
| Cut! | ||
| They cut me off after one ad. | ||
| Do people like chlamydia? | ||
| I'm like, look, who doesn't like to fuck? | ||
| Am I lying? | ||
| I'm trying to get you guys some money. | ||
| Who doesn't? | ||
| I'm 55. Come on! | ||
| You don't like to fuck anymore? | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I got the hips of a fucking 70-year-old soccer player. | ||
| We can get you to yoga class, get you some fucking kettlebells, start fucking doing some swings. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, before, let me, again, do you know George Lopez? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Never met him. | ||
| Fucking love him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love his comedy. | ||
| I can't believe I haven't run into him somewhere. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He seems like... | ||
| He called me up after the Carlos Mancilla thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His first words out of his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My motherfucker. | |
| See, I knew it! | ||
| I knew this! | ||
| I knew I would like it. | ||
| And look, I know he's not crazy about Whitey, but he does it so funny, going after how soft white people are and shit. | ||
| He's a true, to me. | ||
| He's a fun comic, man. | ||
| No, he seems like a funny guy offstage. | ||
| He's a, you know what I mean, a comic's comic. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I never fucking met him. | ||
| I just, I thought I'd run into him somewhere, but I guess it's not surprising. | ||
| If you met him, you'd love him. | ||
| Did you see that thing where he got in trouble? | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| Chewing out the girl? | ||
| That's me every night for the last 40 years! | ||
| But you know what he said? | ||
| What he said was funny. | ||
| He goes, Latinos, we have two rules. | ||
| Don't park in front of my house. | ||
| Don't marry a black guy. | ||
| I mean, he's just being funny. | ||
| And some lady stands up and starts yelling at him. | ||
| Was she black? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know why you don't know? | ||
| They wouldn't mention it on TMZ. You might want to put that in the fucking article. | ||
| It's sort of part of the story. | ||
| I couldn't tell. | ||
| I'm saying yes. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe she was white. | ||
| Maybe she's like, enough. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| It could be a white lip. | ||
| But I'm guessing, I was just guessing the way he said it and shit. | ||
| But it's not going to hurt his career. | ||
| No, it's going to help his career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But you would get in more trouble. | ||
| Like when Tracy Morgan said, if I have a baby and it was gay, I'd kill it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said, I'd stab that little nigga. | ||
| Oh, is that what he said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's different. | |
| Matter of fact, give him a pass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I thought he used the word kill, but stab. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| No, but my point being, he got in a little hot water for about a day and a half. | ||
| Well, he actually had to apologize. | ||
| He apologized. | ||
| Okay, fine. | ||
| But if that was you or somebody at your level of fame and you're white, you're apologizing, it wouldn't matter. | ||
| You'd be fucking booted. | ||
| I guess so, man. | ||
| I just feel like... | ||
| I know so. | ||
| There has to be a line where you realize that someone is just fucking around. | ||
| There has to be a line. | ||
| Whatever happened to just fucking around? | ||
| If you want to kill, just fuck around. | ||
| That's Jerry Brown and his fucking followers. | ||
| I'm not asking him anything. | ||
| Nobody knows where he is. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He's underneath the fucking dam trying to fix it with crazy glue. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Nobody has seen him lately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Apparently. | |
| He's old as fuck, man. | ||
| When you're that old, you're going to have some days where you can't go outside. | ||
| There's gonna be some days, right? | ||
| You're shitting your pants, you got problems, hip doesn't work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's old. | |
| But I saw him, like, I'd say last summer, right? | ||
| I'd say months ago, and he seemed like the idiot that he always has been. | ||
| I literally have not seen a thing from him since he's been the governor. | ||
| Not a thing. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Nothing, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're busy. | |
| You're doing yoga, you get kettlebells, you get fucking family. | ||
| I see that fat fuck from New Jersey all the time. | ||
| But he disappeared for a few months. | ||
| In New York, they were asking where he was. | ||
| They were going to kill him. | ||
| I mean, that guy got... | ||
| There was some real shit that happened when he closed that bridge. | ||
| They closed that bridge. | ||
| Some people were supposed to go to the hospital, couldn't make it to the hospital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's lawsuits. | ||
| Joey Diaz's parents, probably. | ||
| Somebody in that area. | ||
| No, I'm just saying. | ||
| From Bergen. | ||
| Yeah, North Bergen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he's going to be in hot water for years for that. | ||
| He'll never escape that. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why Trump pulled him from the fucking cabinet. | ||
| And now he's criticizing Trump. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| Christy, I never... | ||
| He seemed like a... | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Like, I saw a clip of him telling some woman at a town hall to sit down and shut up. | ||
| Some, you know, screaming about a union and just fucking... | ||
| That's nice when you're local. | ||
| You can do that shit with local stuff. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| But I'm saying... | ||
| But he still seemed kind of whiny to me. | ||
| And then I saw him in the Yankee uniform. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Jesus H. Christ. | ||
| When his gunt, his lower pussy area was like sticking out. | ||
| There's no way that guy's seen his dick. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I don't think his wife can see it from where she's sitting. | ||
| I don't want to be offensive, Mr. Grayson. | ||
| He looked like an ice cream cone. | ||
| It started, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He looks like one of those things that you use for pastries to write Happy Birthday Nick. | ||
| A pastry bag. | ||
| You squeeze it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| Didn't he know what he looked like? | ||
| He should definitely not have worn that thing. | ||
| He would have been better in a hoop skirt. | ||
| Look, this poor bastard is an addict. | ||
| That is a food addict. | ||
| That is 100%. | ||
| Look at the one above it. | ||
| Go to the one above it, Jamie. | ||
| The one where it shows his pussy area. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What in the fuck is going on there? | ||
| What? | ||
| Where's your dick, bro? | ||
| Holy Christ. | ||
| That looks like Hillary's pantsuit. | ||
| That's goddamn insane. | ||
| That is a goddamn insane pose, too. | ||
| You should never put your hand on your hip like that if you look like that. | ||
| Just don't stand like that. | ||
| You should stand like a sumo wrestler at all times. | ||
| You should have a wide stance. | ||
| You should never let your legs rub together. | ||
| You should be standing like you're ready to shoot a blast double on people. | ||
| Don't you have advisors? | ||
| Jimmy, can you turn my thing up? | ||
| Do you control my volume? | ||
| Oh, it's probably over here. | ||
| I can't hear myself. | ||
| There we go, right there. | ||
| Is that better? | ||
| Testing, one, two, right there. | ||
| That's good, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was on way low. | ||
| I got a fail, though, even if he was skinny. | ||
| Damn, we dropped big. | ||
| Even if he was skinny? | ||
| Yeah, he'd have like a horrible... | ||
| Well, he doesn't have the best genetics, but more important than that... | ||
| Well, who knows if he has the best genetics? | ||
| Because he's got a food disease. | ||
| I looked it up on the genealogy site. | ||
| Oh, where's he from? | ||
| His mother was in Malibu, in Sicily. | ||
| Look at him, he's running there. | ||
| He looks like Kevin James there. | ||
| I could get that fucking guy in shape, I swear to God. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| All I'd have to do is get him off the sugar, it would take a while, but he's addicted to sugar. | ||
| No, he lives on salads, they say. | ||
| No dressing or anything. | ||
| There's a picture of him at the game, and he's got a little bag of M&M's, a large bag of M&M's, and he's pouring the little bag of M&M's into the large bag of M&M's. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| See? | ||
| There is him with the fucking M&M's. | ||
| Oh, the poor bastard. | ||
| He's a sugar addict. | ||
| See how he's pouring it in there? | ||
| What's my excuse? | ||
| He's pouring the little one into the big one. | ||
| You're not fat at all. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I'm just saying I don't like sugar, but I can't. | ||
| I was hoping to get Ebola so I could lose this last 20. Seriously. | ||
| I don't think that's what happens. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You shit blood for 18 months. | ||
| Just don't eat at night. | ||
| We talked about this before the podcast. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| When I heard you say that, I almost fainted because I've been saying that to my wife. | ||
| I said, the only time I've ever lost weight in my life is when I go to bed hungry. | ||
| It's not just that you lose weight, your body actually produces more dense muscle, or more lean muscle. | ||
| Yeah, and when you sleep it, it's burning fat. | ||
| Definitely, but it's also your body has more time to rebuild your tissue. | ||
| You recover better. | ||
| It's not just, like, the going to bed hungry thing is actually good for you. | ||
| Just don't, the idea is, as Dr. Rhonda Patrick said this, you can, just go to sleep. | ||
| I can't, I feel like a little African kid who needs a fucking sandwich. | ||
| Just, you need an edible. | ||
| Take an edible. | ||
| I'm never doing that again. | ||
| This is why I love you, though, Joe. | ||
| Because the last time I was here, I said, yeah, I thought about, I'm like, I want to take steroids at this age. | ||
| I'm fucking sick of working out. | ||
| Now, I've said that to about 20 people, and they were all like, well, how would you do that? | ||
| You're going to fucking be a kid? | ||
| You had 55. You looked at me, and you go, why wouldn't you? | ||
| Do it! | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| They work. | ||
| There's a reason why they're banned from sports. | ||
| You didn't even hesitate. | ||
| You'd go, why wouldn't you, with a puzzle look in your face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whenever someone tells me, well, man, you know, at 55 years of age, you really think it's a good idea to take steroids? | |
| Yes, that's the perfect time. | ||
| Yeah, because the alternative is dying. | ||
| Well, also, you only have, like, 20 years left anyway. | ||
| Like, what are you gonna do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't say it like that. | |
| That's true. | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gonna cut it back? | |
| Cut it back by five? | ||
| 88. Oh, my God. | ||
| I only have 15 years of looking like fucking Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV. Yeah, you pulled up a picture of him. | ||
| And I said, that's gotta be from 30 years ago. | ||
| You're like, that's from last Wednesday. | ||
| He's 70 years old, shredded. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| How does he not... | ||
| Find me the doctor. | ||
| I'll pay fucking good money. | ||
| I'll get you a doctor. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I know you will. | ||
| Testosterone replacement therapy. | ||
| Wait, did you meet him at the fucking original room? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's in the belly room. | ||
| Joey Diaz, cousin. | ||
| He was doing a set upstairs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a guy. | |
| You got a meeting with the docs. | ||
| Do you have a fake mustache? | ||
| Dr. Vinnie Boombats. | ||
| Well, testosterone replacement and hormone replacement therapy, there's a real science to it. | ||
| The idea is you don't take too much. | ||
| You take what you would have in your body if you were a younger man. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| And people are like, well, you're not a younger man anymore. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Like, people just want you to wither away and die. | ||
| So you've juiced. | ||
| I take testosterone replacement therapy, and I've done it for almost 10 years. | ||
| No, what is it, 49? | ||
| Yeah, 39. I started when I was like 39, 37, 38. I started rubbing this cream on me, which wasn't that effective. | ||
| Was that the clear, they call it? | ||
| No, no, that stuff's way better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's way better than anything. | |
| I take mild stuff. | ||
| I rub that on my dog. | ||
| Here's the thing about the stuff that Barry Bonds takes and all the bodybuilders take. | ||
| They're taking hyperhuman levels. | ||
| I don't fuck with anything like that. | ||
| What I do is I take what I would have in my body naturally when I was like 27. That's what I take. | ||
| So that is healthy. | ||
| There's evidence that if you have a bad heart, if you're an older person and you start jacking your body up with testosterone, doing crazy workouts, your body's not ready for it. | ||
| But also that could be a conditioning issue. | ||
| There's a lot of factors involved in something like that. | ||
| When people go from being sedentary and out of shape to all of a sudden having young levels of testosterone and then exercise. | ||
| Your body's going to get shocked. | ||
| Yeah, so when you factor in those situations with people that have pretty significant heart issues after taking testosterone therapy, according to my doctor, that's what they're dealing with. | ||
| He's like, you have to judge each one of them on an individual basis. | ||
| And he's also like, you have to get your blood work done. | ||
| You have to be really meticulous about it. | ||
| I get my blood work done every couple months. | ||
| But not just for testosterone, not just for human growth hormone, but also, yeah, for bad stuff and also for nutrient levels. | ||
| I found out that I need more niacin in my system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found out I need more vitamin B. I'm down vitamin D big time. | |
| D3. D3's a big one. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| It's very important for muscle. | ||
| It's very important for the way your brain works. | ||
| It also works in symbiosis with a bunch of other nutrients. | ||
| You have to have your nutrient levels tested. | ||
| You can't just go, oh, I feel pretty good. | ||
| You might feel pretty good, but there might be some fucking shortcomings in your diet or your supplementation. | ||
| You know, when I played ball up at Maine in college back in the 80s, and they were all juicing. | ||
| And I got a lot of teammates who are... | ||
| I got one guy who's in like a convalescent home. | ||
| I mean, they were fucking crazy with the shit. | ||
| He's in a convalescent home now at 55? | ||
| He was... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| And another one, there's two other guys, I know they have kidney problems from it, but they were muscular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were college-age kids, and they were fucking, and they were juicing, you know? | |
| That's not smart. | ||
| Our whole line was juicing. | ||
| But if you wanted to be a pro athlete back then, the fucking Jose Canseco days, you kind of had to. | ||
| Those guys were all gorillas. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were all giant. | |
| Even at Maine, I go, holy shit, these guys were so mean. | ||
| The linemen, and I loved them. | ||
| I hung out with them, like, when they were not drinking and shit. | ||
| But when they would get drunk, and I'd go, this isn't Maine. | ||
| Can you imagine what goes on at University of Miami or all these football factors, USC? Can you imagine? | ||
| This was Maine, 1AA football. | ||
| And I'm like, these guys are fucking crazy. | ||
| Well, that's what gets you ahead. | ||
| And I love them to death. | ||
| Look, what gets us ahead in this sport? | ||
| We're mean as far as the shit we crack jokes on. | ||
| Think about the shit that we say when you and I get together and we just start fucking around. | ||
| No, I do observational shit like David Brennan. | ||
| You ever notice when a sock goes in the dryer? | ||
| It doesn't come out. | ||
| You breathe in and then you breathe out. | ||
| Where'd it go? | ||
| Where'd it go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where'd the sock go? | |
| Are you doing something? | ||
| Where'd that song go? | ||
| There's two songs, now there's one. | ||
| Where'd it go? | ||
| Hicks used to, remember he did a bit of making fun of Jerry? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why do women use so many cotton balls? | ||
| When you think about how we talk when we're fucking around, because for us, that's what gets us ahead. | ||
| Saying shit that makes us go, oh Jesus Christ, you'll say some things when you're around me that I'm sure you probably wouldn't say if you're around other people, and I would do the same with you. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's my problem. | ||
| I say it everywhere. | ||
| That's how football players are. | ||
| That's why I'm in my basement. | ||
| Yeah, no, at that age, you're right. | ||
| No, you're actually right. | ||
| Fighters are like that, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fighters are like that. | ||
| It's the same way. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine, my friend Mike Blythe from South Boston, and he was very humble looking. | ||
| He used to wear glasses. | ||
| But he was a psycho. | ||
| Oh, he's a psycho as they come. | ||
| And he wore, he's a very, very smart guy, and he wore like a golf shirt, and he used to, like a polo shirt. | ||
| So he looked like a fucking dork. | ||
| He had his shirt tucked in his pants with his belt, the whole deal. | ||
| And he worked at the Rat. | ||
| You remember the Rat Scaler? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, he was a bouncer there, and people would give him a hard time because of the way he looked, and he was just waiting for someone to say something stupid so he could rearrange their face. | ||
| He's a pro boxer. | ||
| But he was almost setting him up by wearing the shirt and shit. | ||
| He was setting him up. | ||
| Like a trap? | ||
| He was. | ||
| Like a decoy duck? | ||
| He was a straight-up psycho. | ||
| He would wait for someone to get out of line and do something to him, push him, grab his shirt, and then next thing you know, crack! | ||
| Dudes are flatlining, spasming, going into seizures. | ||
| Yeah, this kid, Danny, I won't say that, but four of these guys are from the Cape. | ||
| They played football down in Cape in high school, and they were friends. | ||
| But this one guy, Danny McClung, he was big, fucking, he had these dead eyes, those pale blue eyes, and you know how they look sad? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're like sacked down. | ||
| And when he got drunk, I mean, he was like fucking Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| When he would get drunk? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| William Money. | ||
| William Money, killer of women and children. | ||
| We had two dogs in our fraternity. | ||
| Two little dogs, a white one and a black one. | ||
| He threw them in a punch bowl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Well, that's really mild. | ||
| The white one was red. | ||
| No, he didn't hurt them, but I'm just saying. | ||
| I thought you were going to say woodchipper. | ||
| And then he'd start beating up men, women, you know, whoever looked at him wrong. | ||
| Yeah, there's guys like that. | ||
| And a few other linemen. | ||
| I shouldn't have singled him out. | ||
| He was actually- People feed off each other. | ||
| That's why mob mentalities work. | ||
| The reason why the mob mentality exists is because someone sees someone doing something crazy and the other people get crazy too. | ||
| And here's the thing we need to recognize right now that's going on at UC Berkeley. | ||
| That is mob mentality. | ||
| That's not justice. | ||
| It's not rational. | ||
| It's not a real fucking protest. | ||
| That is a goddamn mob and they are rioting. | ||
| And they're wrong. | ||
| They're wrong. | ||
| Because that guy, all he wants to do is talk. | ||
| If someone wants to talk, and what you want to do is light the fucking campus on fire and throw a fucking chair through a plate glass window at Starbucks, that is a mob mentality. | ||
| And it's the same goddamn thing. | ||
| And not only that, but all you're doing is pumping him up. | ||
| It's the Streisand effect. | ||
| You keep him from fucking protest. | ||
| You keep him from speaking. | ||
| You make him bigger. | ||
| He's going to be even larger now because of that. | ||
| And you're just showing everybody what your real intentions are. | ||
| Well, you're admitting you lost the battle of ideas when you do that. | ||
| They're not even engaging in the battle of ideas. | ||
| They're calling everybody a Nazi. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| This Nazi thing is fucking crazy, where everybody calls everybody a Nazi. | ||
| We were talking about the Sarah Silverman thing before the podcast. | ||
| I don't know if she was joking around or not, but she put on her Twitter, is this like a Nazi who doesn't know how to make a swastika? | ||
| And everybody just tore her apart. | ||
| Because everybody wants to call everybody a Nazi today, and those symbols on the ground, it's what people do when they're surveyors, and they want to mark where the power She's seen swastika out of anything. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is going on with everybody calling everybody a Nazi? | ||
| Well, that's like an old ploy from the left. | ||
| I'm 55. I mean, every Republican that ever ran since I've been, you know... | ||
| It was always labeled a Nazi. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| See, this is the line. | ||
| Walking to get coffee, saw these all over a sidewalk in town, I'm in. | ||
| Is an attempt at swastikas? | ||
| Do neo-Nazis not have Google? | ||
| It's a combination of... | ||
| She's being silly? | ||
| I hope she's being silly. | ||
| Nah, it's a little of both. | ||
| You can take it either way. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a construction marker. | ||
| Innocent mistake for a Jew that gets burnt in an oven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| At least weekly on Twitter. | ||
| Still pretty close, though. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| No, it's the wrong way. | ||
| And it's an S with a line in it. | ||
| It looks like Swanson's dinners. | ||
| Remember Swanson? | ||
| That would have been the joke, a dyslexic. | ||
| Did a dyslexic German kid draw this? | ||
| You know, something of that. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| She's got big tits. | ||
| An innocent mistake, she says. | ||
| Well, somebody gets burnt in an oven at Twitter. | ||
| So she's, because of the shit that people say to her on Twitter, she's saying that's why she's doing it? | ||
| Is that why she... | ||
| You lost me on the oven thing. | ||
| I think what she's trying to do is take some of the blame away from her for putting something ridiculous on Twitter and by saying that people tell her to get in an oven because she's a Jew and this is why she's sensitive. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| This Nazi thing that everybody's saying, punch Nazis. | ||
| Have you seen this lately? | ||
| We should punch Nazis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you decide who's a Nazi? | |
| Anybody who doesn't think like them, Joe. | ||
| Who's a Nazi? | ||
| Anybody who doesn't think like a fucking lefty is a Nazi. | ||
| It's very crazy. | ||
| It's a very crazy thing we've got going on now, because by calling someone a Nazi, you can immediately hit them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's way out of whack. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| It's way out of fucking whack. | ||
| I'm hoping it settles down, but I don't think it's gonna. | ||
| I feel like this Trump thing is just gonna ramp up because he keeps doing stupid shit, like the way he's disagreeing with the Supreme Court. | ||
| See you in court. | ||
| Like, what court? | ||
| Which court? | ||
| You were in court. | ||
| You just lost in court. | ||
| You gonna see him in court again? | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Yeah, it could go to the Supreme Court. | ||
| Yeah, it's gonna go to the Supreme Court now. | ||
| Okay, see you in another court? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, I'm undecided on that. | ||
| I understand why he tweets, because the fucking media is just ridiculously unfair to him. | ||
| But he does it too much. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Wait for the big things. | ||
| How do you feel like they're unfair to him? | ||
| Like, what do you think is unfair? | ||
| I know, I shouldn't have said that. | ||
| No, no, I'm just asking. | ||
| What are you kidding me? | ||
| Just the way they talk about him. | ||
| Like, how so? | ||
| Well, what did I see this morning? | ||
| He had a meeting down at Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| He was down there, his place in Florida. | ||
| And they were talking about, I guess they were talking about Russia at the table. | ||
| And the headlines on CNN. He's discussing military secrets in public. | ||
| You know, at Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Trump turns Mar-a-Lago club terrorist into open air situation. | ||
| I mean, everything he does, Joe. | ||
| You know, new presidents get a fucking honeymoon. | ||
| This guy's been under attack. | ||
| It's just ridiculous. | ||
| Everything he says, they fucking go after him. | ||
| But don't you think that he is also instigating a lot of this by when he pointed to that guy from CNN and said, you're fake news? | ||
| That was refreshing to me. | ||
| Well, I've been saying that since 1988 before I even followed politics. | ||
| I go, does anybody watch this fucking network and see how fucking stupid it is? | ||
| I mean, they're blatantly fucking left-wing. | ||
| Well, they're blatantly left-wing. | ||
| Fox is blatantly right-wing. | ||
| If you switch back and forth, you don't think Fox is blatantly right-wing? | ||
| You get both. | ||
| And I love having this argument because everybody says that to me. | ||
| I go, well, do you watch Fox? | ||
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| It's too stupid. | ||
| Then how the fuck do you know? | ||
| You get both. | ||
| There's people at Fox who hate Trump. | ||
| I spend time over there. | ||
| I know who... | ||
| This guy's on during the day. | ||
| Fucking Shepard Smith. | ||
| Fucking hates him. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| There's a woman who hates him. | ||
| Shepard Smith's an interesting character. | ||
| Does he admit he's gay? | ||
| I keep telling him, but he won't admit it. | ||
| He looks beautiful. | ||
| He attacked me. | ||
| If I was gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He attacked me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For what? | |
| Him and Judge Napolitano. | ||
| Joe's like a real innocent. | ||
| For what? | ||
| Nick, you probably didn't provoke that, did you? | ||
| And the judge did? | ||
| Yeah, Napolitano. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like Napolitano. | |
| I'm a fan. | ||
| He wants to come on the podcast. | ||
| I gotta get that guy on. | ||
| We were talking about what a badass he is? | ||
| Something called the Strategy Room, years ago. | ||
| No, it was a streaming show on Fox. | ||
| What did you do wrong? | ||
| I showed up. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| And we were talking about the elections, and I go, well, the fucking media was in the tank for Obama and Shepard Smith. | ||
| I just met him. | ||
| He's sitting there, and they fucking double-teamed me. | ||
| What did Shepard Smith say? | ||
| He goes, it's so typical. | ||
| You're the type of guy. | ||
| You could tell he must have known me from, like, Tough Crowd or whatever and hated my politics. | ||
| You could tell it was something before I met him. | ||
| He goes, you have to blame every... | ||
| You're the type of guy that has to blame everybody. | ||
| He went off like a fucking fighter. | ||
| And for once in my life, I sort of sat there. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Like a mature. | ||
| Because he was making an ass of himself. | ||
| Oh, so you let him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Where'd you get that restraint? | ||
| I don't know that day. | ||
| That day was just there. | ||
| Just for that five minutes. | ||
| I've never had it again or since. | ||
| I was in the tank. | ||
| I was too lazy to fight back. | ||
| No, I'm in the Fox building. | ||
| I was trying to show some respect. | ||
| But you could tell... | ||
| He has since asked me to come on his show. | ||
| And you haven't? | ||
| No, I couldn't. | ||
| I was on the road or something. | ||
| But I don't hold that shit against anybody because I fly off the handle all the time. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But it came out of... | ||
| I could tell he must have known my comedy and didn't like it, thought I was homophobic or whatever the fuck. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, probably that. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he went with the right-wing thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he said, you're the type of person that has to blame people. | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck that meant. | ||
| I'm a big fan of blaming people, especially when you do something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Totally blame them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how people learn. | |
| I wish I said that to them. | ||
| That's how people learn, stupid. | ||
| No, I know, but- How else do they learn if you don't blame them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But yeah, I mean- If you don't blame them, they just keep getting away with shit. | |
| God, don't like me. | ||
| My mother always used to say to me, you don't let anything go. | ||
| And I go, I still don't at this age. | ||
| If an eight-year-old girl fucking gives me lip and I think she's wrong, I'll tell her why. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| It's a teaching moment that one president said. | ||
| You gotta let them know. | ||
| Otherwise, they don't know. | ||
| It's a learning moment. | ||
| Think of it like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't let them know. | ||
| You know what happens? | ||
| You get spoiled kings. | ||
| I mean, that's what a spoiled king is. | ||
| Spoiled kings, that's the name on my next CD. That's a good idea. | ||
| But I mean, that's what someone is when they just, anyone can tell them anything. | ||
| I mean, that's what you always say about like super rich celebrities. | ||
| You always hear that about people that are untouchable, they don't speak to, like when Meryl Streep Got in front of all those people and was giving that speech, you know, and she was going off. | ||
| That is someone that never has anyone talking to her and correcting her and telling her. | ||
| How ridiculous. | ||
| Well, that's 98% of Hollywood. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Especially really famous people. | ||
| Like when you get into that Tom Cruise realm where they don't communicate with anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's not a good thing. | ||
| It's not a good thing to have no one call you out on your shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean fucking Tom Cruise's sous chef might not be Republican? | ||
| Tom Cruise's sous chef is from fucking Planet Thetan. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I learned that from Leah Remini. | ||
| Everybody around that guy's a Scientologist. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| You know, I didn't know that Giovanni Ribisi is a Scientologist. | ||
| So now I see that ad for his new show, I'm like, look at that crazy fuck. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all I think. | |
| Giovanni Ribisi? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's been in a shitload of movies. | ||
| Very good actor. | ||
| But he's in that new Amazon thing. | ||
| Irish kid. | ||
| Sneaky Pete. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Scientology as fuck. | ||
| Look at that mustache. | ||
| That picture we were just clicking on. | ||
| He's got dead eyes. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| That's a look. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| Ladies, imagine that look chewing down on your box. | ||
| Yeah, he's a Scientologist. | ||
| He looks it. | ||
| It is amazing that there's still people in that. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's only 10,000 people, according to Leah Remini. | ||
| How many at its peak? | ||
| Worldwide. | ||
| How many at its peak? | ||
| Oh, fuckload. | ||
| Fuckload. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have so much money, though. | ||
| What's incredible is those people have donated so much money. | ||
| They're like the number two real estate holders in Los Angeles. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I've... | ||
| They're all over the place. | ||
| They're like fucking Starbucks. | ||
| A lot of cash. | ||
| David Miskevich? | ||
| They're a good group to have behind you, if they're behind you. | ||
| Like, if you're a Scientologist and you're also an actor or something like that, they'll fucking insulate you. | ||
| Did you ask her that? | ||
| That's what I wanted to ask her if I ever met her. | ||
| Because you had a lot of success while you were doing that, like, in your profession as an actor. | ||
| Did you attribute it to, do you think, Scientology helped you? | ||
| She definitely did at one point in time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think what... | ||
| You think about, like, the work that's involved. | ||
| Like, she was telling me that every day they'd have to do two and a half hours worth of work. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| You're constantly working on it and constantly, like, reading the stuff and going over things. | ||
| I think any time you have that kind of discipline, that translates over to other things. | ||
| Like, people ask me, like, how can you, like, why do you have so much discipline, like, with comedy or with all the different, like, how much you work so hard? | ||
| Because I had to with fighting. | ||
| If you don't have discipline with fighting, you get fucked up. | ||
| That's just the way it is. | ||
| You get the shit kicked out of you. | ||
| That's why sports is good. | ||
| Sports are very good. | ||
| It's good to lose. | ||
| Young kids, okay? | ||
| It's good to lose. | ||
| We don't want to have gym class. | ||
| It's unfair. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| If you don't, I know a comic, I won't say his name, but he's been pretty open about it, about one of the reasons why he's fucked up as an adult, because his parents didn't encourage him to do anything competitive when he was young, so he didn't learn how to lose. | ||
| Yeah, that seems like half the fucking Democrats now that are freaking out that Trump won. | ||
| I'm like, did any of these people play sports? | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that are freaking out that Trump won because this guy is, first of all, he's not using the Secret Service. | ||
| He's using his own security people. | ||
| He's tweeting. | ||
| He's bigger problems. | ||
| He's got an Android phone that someone could easily hack into. | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
| I mean, he's basically running things his way like he does a business. | ||
| And you've got to abandon all that. | ||
| The country is a business. | ||
| It's not really. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's a corporation. | ||
| That's all I've been hearing from the left since I was 10 years old. | ||
| Now you've got a businessman there. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| You're eating wood over there. | ||
| He's going crazy. | ||
| He's turning into a beaver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what happens to you. | |
| He starts talking politics. | ||
| He's eating stirrers. | ||
| I drank... | ||
| Caveman coffee. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| I drank fucking almost all of this. | ||
| And I've got to get on a plane in a couple hours. | ||
| I'm going to be shitting blood. | ||
| You're going to be very creative on that plane. | ||
| I hope you brought a laptop. | ||
| You're going to have some thoughts. | ||
| I have a coloring book and, uh, what else? | ||
| Some Rorschach prints from my childhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you have your phone. | |
| You could write in your phone. | ||
| I gotta get a new mug. | ||
| Take that pad with you. | ||
| I'll give you a pen. | ||
| You're gonna write some great jokes on the way home. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| No, but you mentioned that earlier. | ||
| You write when you're fucking high, right? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Almost always. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it works good for you? | |
| I write sober. | ||
| I write sober. | ||
| I do everything sober and high. | ||
| I do both. | ||
| I take a couple Excedrin PM before I write, and that's why I've slowed down as far as productive. | ||
| No, um, so you fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think, uh, I gotta believe Stephen Wright used to write like that, right? | ||
| I don't think he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| I think he's just a really bright guy. | ||
| You know, Stephen Wright's stuff is almost like too obscure to write when you're high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to work in a fire hydrant plant. | |
| Couldn't park anywhere near the place. | ||
| Like that kind of stuff? | ||
| Me and him hung out for a week doing Horace and Pete. | ||
| Louie's thing he did. | ||
| So me and Stephen became like asshole buddies for that week. | ||
| Everything out of my mouth, he'd be fucking belly laughing in his same ear. | ||
| And then Louie had Alan Alda saying all this racist shit. | ||
| As this racist old bartender? | ||
| I mean, dropping the end bomb and shit? | ||
| Did you ever see it? | ||
| I never saw Horace and Pete. | ||
| Is it only online on Louie's website? | ||
| Or is it somewhere else? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't, that's a great question. | ||
| It's gotta, it's gotta end up, I gotta believe it's gotta end up on Netflix and shit. | ||
| That's what I felt like. | ||
| I felt like, I'm just gonna wait. | ||
| But he had, he had, he had a woman, one of the characters had Tourette's. | ||
| And she'd yell out, like, fucking N-word and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, and I can't even say it, even on your podcast. | |
| But me and Steven would look at each other. | ||
| You know, he'd be sitting at the end of the bar, and I'd see his shoulders trying out the left. | ||
| Because Alan Alda's saying the N-word. | ||
| Hawkeye Pierce is, like, being this racist. | ||
| And Louie had this girl who was supposed to have Tourette's in the show saying the most heinous shit you have ever heard. | ||
| And me and Steven, you're comics. | ||
| We've been in comics our whole lives. | ||
| You'd think you'd be jaded at that, but only Louie could come up with shit so outrageous. | ||
| But to see it coming out of Hawkeye Pierce's mouth, a liberal from the west side, was making me hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| And Steven was crying. | ||
| He'd put his head down. | ||
| That is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, that was so much fun. | ||
| Did he do Horace and Pete with real people and then animated over the real people? | ||
| Is that how he did it? | ||
| No, he shot it like a play. | ||
| So it's not an animated show? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, I was under the impression it was an animated show. | ||
| Joe, please watch it. | ||
| You will love it. | ||
| This is how Louie described it in one of the interviews, because it's like really dark and kind of, he goes, it's kind of depressing and shit. | ||
| He goes, it's like the show Cheers if everybody had cancer around the bar. | ||
| Dude, you'll eat it up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| First of all, you're from the same hometown, right? | ||
| Is it Louie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll fucking eat it up. | ||
| I think it's the best shit he's ever done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He said that, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Didn't he, like, go broke making it? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| Emptied his whatever he had laying around. | ||
| He went on Stern to explain these people going, Louie's fucking broke. | ||
| And he went on Stern on one of these radio shows, and he went, He goes, every production company when they're doing a production is in the red. | ||
| He goes, I'll go tour for three months and I'll make my money back. | ||
| But yeah, he spent a ton of his own money. | ||
| Which is so ballsy of him. | ||
| It's so funny when people say that. | ||
| Louis C.K.'s broke. | ||
| Louis C.K. does one show and he's not broke anymore. | ||
| Do you understand that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He'll do Madison Square Garden and make more than you do in 10 years. | ||
| One hour, he makes years and years of salary. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| He's not broke. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| You'll eat the shit up. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I love everything he does. | ||
| There's not one thing he's ever done that I don't like. | ||
| He goes, come over to my house. | ||
| This was before he did Horse and Pete. | ||
| I started with the comedy salad. | ||
| He goes, give me a ride home. | ||
| He goes, come in. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| He goes, read this. | ||
| And I read some fucking shit. | ||
| And then a week later, he goes, come to my house tomorrow for lunch. | ||
| I fucking ring the doorbell. | ||
| Alan Alda opens the door. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| Where does he live? | ||
| Don't say exactly. | ||
| Don't give his address. | ||
| He's 211 Bleecker Street, apartment 3C, fourth floor. | ||
| He's got a red door. | ||
| Ding dong! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're here! | |
| He lives right around, you know, he lives in fucking, you know, Half Mile the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| And he just bought another thing, so he's got a lot of fucking... | ||
| Moves around. | ||
| But I, so I see, Alan Alden answers the door. | ||
| I, uh, I go in the kitchen. | ||
| Steve Hashimi's in the kitchen. | ||
| I'm meeting all these... | ||
| And then, you know who? | ||
| Edie Falco rings the doorbell like five minutes later. | ||
| And we're sitting there reading the script. | ||
| She's tired of that nanny show, huh? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Nurse? | ||
| Nurse Jackie? | ||
| She'd get kind of mad at me because I go... | ||
| I went up to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said... | |
| I go, you are one of the best actors I've ever... | ||
| I go, I'm still hung up on the Sopranos. | ||
| I go, I still watch the Sopranos on a loop. | ||
| And she goes, that's too bad. | ||
| And she like walked away. | ||
| Because, you know, actress, famous people, if you don't know their latest work, they get kind of bent out of shape. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| She got bent out of shape? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| That's how I read it. | ||
| She takes herself seriously. | ||
| When I said it to her, I was choking her. | ||
| She's like, this fucking asshole. | ||
| I saw Shepard Smith tear you into an asshole. | ||
| She loved me. | ||
| No, she fucking loved me. | ||
| She was working with Ferrara. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| Adam Ferrara was on that Nurse Jack. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And she was great. | ||
| I had a little, you know, line or two with her. | ||
| She's a bartender. | ||
| But you gotta watch it just to see the woman with Tourette's. | ||
| She'll be right in the middle of, like, a serious conversation. | ||
| Lick my pussy, you fucking asshole! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And I look over at Stephen Wright. | ||
| He's trying to put his head down. | ||
| And then Louis, Louis would be behind the bar, right? | ||
| In some scenes, he'd be bartending. | ||
| And, like, Edie Falco would be having a chat with some other actress in the scene. | ||
| He'd come over to me and, like... | ||
| I had a little piece of paper. | ||
| He'd draw shit like a big dick and hand it to me. | ||
| I mean, he is psychotic. | ||
| He hands me a note and it says, we used to do the Naughty Pine for $75. | ||
| Do you remember that gig in Quincy called the Naughty Pine? | ||
| Yeah, I do remember that gig. | ||
| He hands me that. | ||
| And I turned it over. | ||
| I wrote back. | ||
| I go, I'm doing it next week for $125. | ||
| Is that a Barry Katz gig? | ||
| Yes, it was Barry Cash. | ||
| It was like a dance floor. | ||
| Oh, those are the best. | ||
| They'd bring you on, the ball spinning, and they'd go, okay, get off the dance floor, we got a comedian coming up. | ||
| Didn't you get in a fist fight in one of those places? | ||
| No, I got to do a fist fight in two actual comedy clubs. | ||
| Two actual comedy clubs? | ||
| Yeah, Giggles in Seattle. | ||
| And Giggles in Boston, which are totally unrelated. | ||
| Giggles in Seattle's not around anymore, right? | ||
| That was like a real, wasn't it like a real Christian room or something like that? | ||
| You had to be clean? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you kidding me? | |
| I had people in a headlock. | ||
| I was a hero out there. | ||
| You would have loved it. | ||
| Yeah, two different incidents. | ||
| And with my act, I was talking about with the woman who runs the club in Chicago. | ||
| I go, I've only had two altercations. | ||
| And she goes, that's it with that fucking act? | ||
| I go, exactly. | ||
| I go, I'd say that's pretty damn good. | ||
| That is pretty good. | ||
| Broke my hands on both, though. | ||
| You broke your hands punching people? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, I didn't start. | ||
| I mean, they fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Throw elbows. | |
| They were punching back, Joe. | ||
| Don't act like a sucker. | ||
| They don't learn how to throw elbows. | ||
| Very difficult to break your elbow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I know. | |
| You have to teach me. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| But I got the shoulders of a hundred-year-old man. | ||
| Well, didn't you have serious shoulder surgery? | ||
| Major reconstruction on both of them. | ||
| Does it feel good now? | ||
| Do they feel all right? | ||
| They never bothered me... | ||
| I went on to play. | ||
| I wasn't supposed to... | ||
| After high school, the guy did him right after high school, and they told me, you shouldn't really go play. | ||
| And I went up to Maine and played football. | ||
| And the guy did such a good job. | ||
| I still remember his name. | ||
| Lyle McKaylee. | ||
| He still gives speeches about that. | ||
| He's got to be in his 70s now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he did such a great job of putting my shoulders back together that I played a couple years in college. | ||
| And they're fine. | ||
| And I don't even have pain when I wake up. | ||
| I'm sure that's going to change in a week. | ||
| Well, do you do exercises with them? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, I work out. | ||
| But for exercises specifically for shoulders, I just started doing within the last few years because I had shoulder injuries. | ||
| But one of the best ones ever is kettlebells, like bottoms-up kettlebells. | ||
| I think you showed me. | ||
| I don't think I showed you this because this is one that I've recently gotten into. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Is that 120 pounds? | ||
| No, this is only 40 pounds, but you do bottoms-up, meaning you hold it like this so you have to balance it. | ||
| I like the name of it. | ||
| So all your stabilization muscles. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| They're all like constantly adjusting and moving. | ||
| And then that lands on your nose. | ||
| No, it's all good for your grip, too. | ||
| So you work on those. | ||
| And, well, you know what's good? | ||
| For me, I used to laugh at people that used the, you know what? | ||
| Those means, those flies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those are good. | ||
| Those are good. | ||
| It's good for you, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, I never used to do specific shoulder exercises. | ||
| I did everything and the shoulders got worked while I was doing all those things, but I never did specific shoulder exercises until I had a shoulder injury. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then I started doing a lot of rotation exercises, all these different things to build up the rotator cuff and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right after the surgery, I did a ton of that. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta do all that stuff. | ||
| This guy was so good, Lyle McKaylee. | ||
| I went to a doctor a couple years ago in New York, in Westchester County, where I live, because I was having problems with my roto. | ||
| And he goes, boy, what's with the scars? | ||
| I go, he had something called a Bankart procedure back in the 80s. | ||
| And I go, a guy named Lyle McKaylee did it. | ||
| He goes, I'll be damned. | ||
| He goes, I went to a convention up at Harvard, a doctor's convention. | ||
| He was speaking about shoulder fucking injuries. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was the Patriots guy back then. | ||
| And God bless my parents to find a decent doctor. | ||
| And he did a great fucking job. | ||
| Right after I had him done, I couldn't bench heavy anymore and shit. | ||
| Stuff behind my neck is... | ||
| There's a lot of people who don't believe in benching heavy anyway. | ||
| They think benching heavy just fucks your shoulders up no matter what. | ||
| That's how I originally fucked him up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially back in the 80s. | ||
| Nobody knew about warming up and stretching. | ||
| I was, like, benching with a lineman. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And what happens is you're still growing at that point. | ||
| Yeah, you were a big fuck when I first met you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| When I first met you, it was very encouraging to me. | ||
| Because I had always thought that to be a comic, you had to be out of shape and goofy looking. | ||
| And I always felt... | ||
| They hate us. | ||
| Yeah, I felt like I didn't belong. | ||
| We didn't, Joe. | ||
| And then I saw you on stage killing, and I was like, whew, I want to be okay. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| They fucking still hate it. | ||
| Nothing has changed. | ||
| Well, Maren even admitted it to me, like, when I did this podcast. | ||
| He was saying, like, you shouldn't be doing this. | ||
| This is our thing. | ||
| And I was like, well, that's crazy. | ||
| That was the mentality. | ||
| It's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| What has that got to do with being funny? | ||
| I love this idea you have to have low self-esteem, shitty parents, shitty upbringing. | ||
| You have to punch up. | ||
| I think it's funnier when you punch down. | ||
| What's funnier than punching a little kid in the back of the head? | ||
| There's definitely things that are funnier than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm kidding. | |
| I would never hit a kid. | ||
| You're out there punching other people's kids. | ||
| I wouldn't punch your kids. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I mean kids that deserve it. | ||
| You know, Irish kids. | ||
| But punching... | ||
| I had an argument with this professor who wrote a book on comedy. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Oren Corey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just died. | |
| I don't remember his name. | ||
| He wrote a book on comedy. | ||
| He was like, well, punching up is always funnier. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| Okay, nerd. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Sam Kinison's bit about starving kids in Africa is one of the greatest bits of all time. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it's as punching down as you ever can get. | ||
| Because it's so fucked up. | ||
| You're listening to it. | ||
| You go, oh, Jesus. | ||
| I can't believe you're saying this. | ||
| And you're fucking crying laughing. | ||
| Funny is funny. | ||
| Well, you equated, you know, like sports and comedy, like you said, football and fighting. | ||
| And when I'm in a fight, I throw up, down, sideways. | ||
| Every angle. | ||
| Right, in a lot of ways, yeah. | ||
| Punches come from everywhere. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why this whole thing about punching down is so fucking stupid, or the idea that you have to be a dork in order to be funny. | ||
| Some of the funniest people I ever met were savages. | ||
| Like, that's where I learned how to do comedy, was in the gym. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Guys, that's the reason why I got into stand-up in the first place. | ||
| I would make people laugh when we were on a bus on the way to tournaments. | ||
| It was like gallows humor. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Everybody was scared, and I would be the guy who was making everybody laugh. | ||
| They were all savages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those guys at a time with the linemen that took the fucking... | ||
| They were some of the funniest motherfuckers I've ever met in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| And not dumb jock funny. | ||
| I mean, they would actually come up with clever shit. | ||
| But yeah, that was the mentality. | ||
| Like Kevin Flynn... | ||
| I remember Kevin. | ||
| He's a soccer player, UMass. | ||
| He was a real good soccer player. | ||
| Real good soccer player, right? | ||
| But he used to talk about it because him and me came together at the Boston scene. | ||
| He was another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a jock. | |
| And they hated us. | ||
| Janine, and I love fucking Janine. | ||
| I still do. | ||
| The first night I met Janine, it was a fucking open mic. | ||
| I've been in the business about fucking eight, ten months maybe. | ||
| It was at Stitches. | ||
| I walk in. | ||
| She's sitting in the little box office. | ||
| She goes, nice acid-washed jeans. | ||
| And they weren't. | ||
| They were faded. | ||
| They were actually faded? | ||
| They were faded. | ||
| She goes, nice acid watch jeans. | ||
| And I've never met her before. | ||
| I go, nice boots. | ||
| What are you going, clamming lady, you cunt? | ||
| That's how I met Janine Garofalo. | ||
| And it didn't even phase her, which made me like her, number one. | ||
| She didn't even fucking, she kind of like smirked. | ||
| And people, even now, my friends don't believe that, how do you like her comedy and shit? | ||
| I watched her at Stitches going on after Steve Sweeney, you know, the whole boys club. | ||
| And I did that young comedian special. | ||
| She always had her own point of view and shit. | ||
| You know, it's not... | ||
| My friends always never believed that you liked her. | ||
| I kind of think she's funny. | ||
| Well, we used to play softball with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you really? | |
| Yeah, she used to be on that comedian softball thing. | ||
| We used to meet on Mondays. | ||
| Where? | ||
| In New York? | ||
| No, in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, Dave Cross was in it. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of people. | ||
| Some good athletes, Janine, David Cross. | ||
| Brian Frazier? | ||
| You remember Brian Frazier? | ||
| He was another one. | ||
| What happened to him, Joe? | ||
| I think he's writing now. | ||
| He was another one. | ||
| That guy was giant. | ||
| He was fucking built like a brick shithouse. | ||
| One time he went on stage with a shirt on, like a golf shirt, and after I got him off stage, I go, dude, you can't dress like that. | ||
| I go, look, I'm your friend, and I can't stop staring at your arms. | ||
| You can't dress like that. | ||
| Because he was a bodybuilder at one point in time, and he got really Yeah, absolutely right. | ||
| And who else? | ||
| There was another... | ||
| Oh, Brian Kiley! | ||
| Brian Kiley, he was a big fucker, too. | ||
| He was a gorilla! | ||
| And he's like a really cerebral writer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So yeah, that whole myth of, you know... | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| And they do resent you. | ||
| And I still feel like an outsider in this business. | ||
| I still... | ||
| I got a couple friends, you know, fucking... | ||
| You're not an outsider at all. | ||
| Well, you know, Colin Quinn is like, you know, we're on the phone every night. | ||
| He's probably my closest. | ||
| And Louie. | ||
| But I don't have much in common with him outside of showbiz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you can't go to the UCB. I have. | |
| Just to ruin their night. | ||
| I go in and I blow it up and I go, follow that. | ||
| Go tell a fucking other mediocre story with two punchlines every 30 minutes. | ||
| Well, go there and not get paid, too. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Stupid fucks. | ||
| They allowed these people to create an empire with not paying the comedians. | ||
| That is so disgusting. | ||
| Duncan Trestle had a whole bit about it. | ||
| Like, what have you done? | ||
| Like, you've decided to do this one thing, this one place where the cerebral people go, you make all the money? | ||
| That's not very cerebral. | ||
| That seems pretty fucking stupid. | ||
| How'd they do that? | ||
| How'd they get away with that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| People, there's always people who, you know, want to be in the arts. | ||
| They'll fucking work for nothing. | ||
| Yeah, and they also want to be in the inside. | ||
| They want to be on the inside. | ||
| Yeah, I never felt that way. | ||
| They want to be in the clique. | ||
| You got to go there to be in the clique. | ||
| Like Pat and Oswald. | ||
| Who I've, you know, he came on Tough Crowd and he almost insinuated that I was like a dick joke specialist. | ||
| And even Colin, we like fucking, what? | ||
| That you're a dick joke specialist? | ||
| Yeah, I made a joke on that episode, a black dick joke or something, and he kind of implied that's what I do or something. | ||
| And like me and Colin turned on him. | ||
| And I'm like, I never, I always thought he's kind of overrated as a stand-up, but I've really grown to love his stand-up. | ||
| Oh, his stand-up's very good. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great writer, but he's a nerdy who we have nothing in common. | ||
| But I like people like that. | ||
| They don't necessarily... | ||
| I think they're like more... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The so-called tolerant crowd is a lot less tolerant than I am. | |
| It's true. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| You mean tolerant people, what they consider themselves to be progressive people, are oftentimes very intolerant. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| Patton's actually... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a good dude. | |
| I hit him up on Twitter and, you know, and so, you know, I've actually... | ||
| But yeah, I still feel... | ||
| I don't watch movies. | ||
| I hate the political correctness. | ||
| I haven't, you know, Big Bang Theory and shit. | ||
| I go, what am I doing? | ||
| You know, his wife died from that fucking fentanyl shit. | ||
| She's another one who died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who, Patton Oswalt? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what caused her? | ||
| Yep, that goddamn fentanyl. | ||
| The same shit that killed Prince, same shit that killed a buddy of mine. | ||
| Is that what the autopsy said? | ||
| Yes, yes, yeah. | ||
| It was a combination of things, but fentanyl was in the mix. | ||
| Yeah, because he said, not too long ago, he said he thought it was like an accidental overdose, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| How fucking horrible, man. | ||
| Fentanyl is supposedly hundreds of times, hundreds of thousands of times stronger. | ||
| Someone was explaining it the other day. | ||
| Stronger than regular opiates. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, it was a horse sterilizer, a horse tranquilizer, rather. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking terrifying. | ||
| Terrifying shit, that stuff. | ||
| They decided that OxyContin are killing people quick enough, so they came up with this stuff. | ||
| And if you fuck up one way or the other with that, fentanyl, just a slight overdose, and you're gone. | ||
| I'm a puss. | ||
| Or drugs, I'm a puss. | ||
| That fentanyl shit is terrifying. | ||
| It's killing people like crazy. | ||
| But you like your mushrooms and shit, right? | ||
| Yeah, but that stuff's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I know, but I'm just saying, I would never do that in a trillion years. | |
| Oh, you should do it. | ||
| You should definitely do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good for it. | |
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| After I just told you the edible story? | ||
| I might as well have been doing mushrooms. | ||
| It kills the ego. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| It kills it. | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| It's good to step outside yourself and see who you are. | ||
| Kill my ego? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you trying to do? | |
| Roll my career? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll come back. | |
| It'll come back. | ||
| I'm just saying that it gives you the opportunity to look at yourself. | ||
| No, she'll go crazy. | ||
| She'll shit her pants. | ||
| Yeah, it'd be terrible. | ||
| She'd be like that bathtub girl. | ||
| You ever see the bathtub girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| The one Japanese lady with her asshole in the air? | ||
| Shit spraying up in the air and hitting her in the face? | ||
| That was Margaret Cho's last special. | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Quit being little fucking L.A. faggots. | ||
| Every time I say something piecey... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he said faggot! | |
| How dare you! | ||
| How dare you! | ||
| I say faggot all the time, and I will continue to say faggot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I always call... | ||
| I said that on stage the other night. | ||
| Faggot... | ||
| I think Louie actually had a bit about it, but I've called everybody but a gay person a faggot. | ||
| My brother, you know, fucking Louie... | ||
| Don't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good word. | |
| Yeah, it's a good word. | ||
| And I said that on the Unmasked thing I did with Ron Bennington. | ||
| He goes, so you think that makes it right? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| Ron Bennington was trying to progressive you? | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| Your whole show is about... | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| No, my whole show isn't. | ||
| No, his whole... | ||
| Ron Bennington's whole show. | ||
| Is what? | ||
| Breaking down silly hard rules. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| I don't get to listen to him that much. | ||
| It's a fun show. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's smart and funny. | ||
| I don't hear it anymore. | ||
| I don't have Sirius anymore. | ||
| I stopped with the... | ||
| You better get it again, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because I might get a show on there. | ||
| Well, I'll get it off BitTorrent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| I'll find that site. | ||
| I even know about that site. | ||
| I'll find it so I want to put it online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it in your car, one of your eight cars. | |
| When you go into a fucking tunnel, it doesn't work. | ||
| I refuse to support that. | ||
| Oh, you Chris Christie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| No, I think it's fucking stupid. | ||
| I think it's stupid. | ||
| I think satellite is stupid. | ||
| I think internet is the way to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you're living in the dark ages because I go through the... | |
| I go through the tunnels in New Jersey. | ||
| Now you can listen to the radio all the way through the tunnels. | ||
| Regular radio, but not satellite radio. | ||
| Regular radio. | ||
| Yeah, they have radio signals. | ||
| They have transmitters in the tunnels. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| Yeah, satellite doesn't work. | ||
| Go under a fucking... | ||
| You're trying to get the signal in L.A., you go under a bridge, like an overpass, it doesn't work. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| So that means someone could be talking about some important shit. | ||
| I have to stop traffic. | ||
| And I'll be like, hold on. | ||
| And then people beep and honk. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want it to cut out. | ||
| I see the red light. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| I've been pulling it to my garage, and I'll hear you on or somebody like Louie or whatever. | ||
| You've got to back up. | ||
| I back out of my garage. | ||
| That's ancient technology. | ||
| No, I agree with you. | ||
| And it's commercials, too. | ||
| We're all going to have strings on our roof that go directly to the fucking transmitter. | ||
| I don't want to go that far. | ||
| We have wired cars. | ||
| We have wires that are crisscrossing each other. | ||
| It's fucking stupid. | ||
| It's a stupid technology. | ||
| Alright, I won't take the job. | ||
| The internet. | ||
| The internet has the way to go, goddammit. | ||
| Well, you and two other people have figured it out. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, dude. | |
| A lot of people have figured it out. | ||
| Joey Diaz gets millions of downloads a month now. | ||
| Yeah, because of you. | ||
| No, because of him. | ||
| Because he's fucking funny. | ||
| Because he's stuck with it. | ||
| I know he's funny. | ||
| I'm just saying, but you started him off, right? | ||
| I can do the same for you. | ||
| Didn't, huh? | ||
| I can do the same for you, Nick. | ||
| I can help you. | ||
| Come sit down. | ||
| Rub my back. | ||
| Is that what Joey did? | ||
| Come have some champagne with me. | ||
| Put on this robe. | ||
| It makes you look slim. | ||
| Alright, well that's why I came out here. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| That's why I came out. | ||
| By the way, hit me up at Nick DiPaolo on Twitter and Instagram and all that other faggy shit you people like. | ||
| Faggy? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| You can find him. | ||
| No, but last time I did the show, I did it twice, right? | ||
| I go home before Christy. | ||
| By the time I got home, I had like 500 new followers on Twitter. | ||
| I go, what the fuck kind of rocket ship is he driving here? | ||
| Well, it's way crazier now, because the last time you were here was, what, a year ago? | ||
| How long was it? | ||
| It's either a year or two. | ||
| Jamie knows. | ||
| He's got it in a folder called Nick DiPaolo's Trips. | ||
| But whatever it is, the number of downloads that we've had since then is, like, more than ten times. | ||
| And why is that, Joe? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something's happening. | ||
| I think you're a talented motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, thanks, sweetie. | ||
| That's so nice. | ||
| July last year? | ||
| July last year. | ||
| Was I out here a year? | ||
| Actually 2015. Thank you. | ||
| I can't believe when the year came by. | ||
| I told you I was going to come out every year. | ||
| At least do it once a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anytime. | |
| I was even thinking every six months or whatever. | ||
| Nick, call me up. | ||
| You can come anytime you want. | ||
| You told me that. | ||
| I'll open the place for you. | ||
| I will. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| A year came. | ||
| I'm going, oh, I should be going out to Joe's. | ||
| I couldn't get off the couch. | ||
| I can't fucking go to LaGuardia. | ||
| Go through all that. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard out there. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it is! | |
| Dude, it is! | ||
| But no, I'm just saying, this show is like, I was saying it to Quinn on the phone, I go, doing Rogan's podcast, it's like doing a TV show. | ||
| Somebody said, are you going to do Conan or Joe's podcast? | ||
| I go, do Joe's podcast! | ||
| No, and I love Conan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, he doesn't like you? | |
| No, he loves me. | ||
| I'm just saying, I don't have anything. | ||
| You got a CISO show. | ||
| Yeah, I could have plugged that, I guess. | ||
| You know what the problem is? | ||
| You won't shine on Conan in seven minutes the way you shine in a couple of hours. | ||
| The couple of hours thing is what's up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, he's pointing at me for people listening. | ||
| He's smiling and pointing. | ||
| Well, you get cameras, too. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of people are listening. | ||
| Way more people are listening than watching. | ||
| A four-minute, you're right, a four-minute interview on Conan as opposed to Joe Rogan doing... | ||
| I was supposed to do Seth Meyers last week, and it got canceled because of the snowstorms. | ||
| My flight got canceled. | ||
| And I was going to do his show because I really like him. | ||
| I think he does a great job. | ||
| I used to. | ||
| You don't like him anymore? | ||
| He's a fucking lefty. | ||
| Oh, he's gone lefty. | ||
| Gone lefty? | ||
| His first ten minutes make The Daily Show look like a Fox News channel. | ||
| But doesn't it make sense what he's saying? | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| See, you're on team fucking right. | ||
| I'm not on any teams. | ||
| I'm different than you. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm on team right. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're on team left. | ||
| I'm not on team left. | ||
| You wouldn't do that show. | ||
| Okay, again, that's one issue. | ||
| That's one issue. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I got guns, I hunt, I cook roasts. | ||
| I'm a cage-fighting commentator. | ||
| You're also a hippie. | ||
| You do psychedelics. | ||
| I'm a little bit of a hippie. | ||
| But how am I on team left? | ||
| How am I on team right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're definitely on team right if you don't think Seth Meyers is funny. | |
| I'm pro- God damn it, Joe. | ||
| This was going so well. | ||
| I'm fucking pro- Like I said, in this business, they consider me conservative, but I fucking have no problem with gay marriage. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| As long as those faggots stick to their fucking side of the left. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Stay over there. | ||
| I would like to watch an episode of Chopped. | ||
| Where it's not a girl with a crew cut and three rings in her nose. | ||
| What the hell is chopped? | ||
| The Food Network show. | ||
| Jamie knows what I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy from the Queer Eye for the Straight guy. | |
| What's his name? | ||
| Ted Allen? | ||
| It's called Chopped. | ||
| Is it all about salads? | ||
| No. | ||
| They get baskets at the beginning. | ||
| It was actually a good show for about a month until it became like a gay cause show. | ||
| Every episode is a transgender guy going, I'm going to take the $10,000, get myself a pussy, and I'm going to get my uncle a pair of tits, and I'm sorry I put too much lemon in the hummus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh! | ||
| I'm serious! | ||
| And I know Ted Allen. | ||
| I met him at a roast. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| I'm just saying, when people talk about, you know, everything's gayed up on TV, that show is a perfect example of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gayed up. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| And again, that's not, I'm not saying anything against gay people. | ||
| I'm just saying, but that show is what would piss people off, you know? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Sorta, yeah. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| You're just sensitive to people that attack your own ideas. | ||
| What? | ||
| You're not attacking my ideas. | ||
| Someone's like Seth Meyers, attacking your ideas. | ||
| He's not attacking my ideas. | ||
| He's making up a bunch of fucking real soft jokes about Trump. | ||
| He had one very good bit that he did recently where they were talking about the ban, the ban on immigrants, and they were like, no one is saying ban. | ||
| It's not a ban. | ||
| We've never used the word ban. | ||
| And then he cuts to a clip, a montage of Trump and all the other people saying ban, ban, ban, ban. | ||
| Which you could do to any politician. | ||
| It's just fucking cheap trickery. | ||
| Oh, not as much as him. | ||
| I used to like him, but I think NBC sat him down and said, you gotta go fucking, you gotta be the point man on this. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Oh, I do. | ||
| I've never had a sat down. | ||
| I've been accused of having been sat down. | ||
| I've never had a sat down. | ||
| Did I say sat down? | ||
| Yeah, well, no one's ever sat me down. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No one's ever sat me down and said, hey, you gotta go this way. | ||
| That's never happened, literally ever. | ||
| Well, of course not, because you're on mushrooms and you lift weights. | ||
| They're not gonna fucking... | ||
| People accuse you of it. | ||
| You're eating elk? | ||
| You're shooting elk on the 101 out of the back here with a bow and arrow? | ||
| Who the fuck is going to tell you to do anything, Joe? | ||
| But people accuse you if you have an idea and you run with a cause. | ||
| They accuse you of being sat down by the elites. | ||
| NBC, come on, dude. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| He's an appointment. | ||
| Maybe it's just how he feels. | ||
| No, it is probably how he feels. | ||
| Yeah, so why would they sit him down if he already feels that way? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It feels that way. | ||
| NBC does that. | ||
| They never did when I was on. | ||
| Why would they do it with you? | ||
| No one ever sits... | ||
| I don't think people sit anybody down. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| I know you don't, Joe. | ||
| You think they do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But have you ever experienced it? | ||
| Well, not... | ||
| I know you're taking me literally here. | ||
| But literally, I was on NBC for 10 years. | ||
| I don't think anybody... | ||
| They get the talking points from the New York Times and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And by the way, Seth is funny and he's a likable... | ||
| Matter of fact, when he first had his late night show, I go... | ||
| I go, he could be a Tonight Show host. | ||
| He's very likable, you know, smart shit. | ||
| But the first 10 minutes, I can't fucking watch. | ||
| A closer look, and it's 40 Trump jokes. | ||
| Well, they're easy. | ||
| It's low-hanging fruit. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| You don't think it's easy to make fun of Trump? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Do you have any Trump jokes in your act? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| What do you say about him? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You know, I don't want you to do your act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't want you to do your act, but do you criticize him? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I said he made it look too easy. | ||
| Number one, he was just telling people what they wanted to hear when he was running. | ||
| You know, they're like, Mr. Fucking Trump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Build a wall. | |
| What about your health care plan? | ||
| What will be the skinniest people alive? | ||
| Next question. | ||
| Any follow-ups? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Next question. | ||
| You know, and what was the fucking final? | ||
| Yeah, there's no way you can deport 11 million people. | ||
| Have you seen the size of my jet? | ||
| Three trips. | ||
| You know, I fucking take shots at him. | ||
| That's not really a shot at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, what are you a fucking nut? | ||
| You're on the left team. | ||
| You're on the team left. | ||
| No, I don't have a bunch of shit on him. | ||
| I didn't say I did. | ||
| I like what he's doing. | ||
| Do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You like the wall? | ||
| Do you like him building a wall? | ||
| I think the idea that people who, if you say, I want to protect our borders, makes you a racist, that's some real left-wing stupidity right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Left-wing stupidity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, California, Jerry Brown, Nancy Pelosi, Berkeley. | ||
| That kind of left-wing stupidity. | ||
| Do you think there's ever going to come a time where there won't be any walls, there won't be any borders, and everyone literally will be able to go anywhere they want? | ||
| I don't know if the world will work like that. | ||
| Ever? | ||
| How come? | ||
| How come? | ||
| Do you know anything about humanity? | ||
| Because people are psychotic. | ||
| But how come we can do that here? | ||
| How come people can go wherever they want? | ||
| Why is this country held to a different standard when it comes to that shit? | ||
| Why don't you try sneaking into Mexico and see what's happening here? | ||
| We're the country who invite people from all over the world to live here. | ||
| Well, they'll let us go into Mexico like that. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| You could just drive to Mexico. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| Have you ever done it? | ||
| If you sneak in illegally, I'm saying. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You could just drive into Mexico. | ||
| That's not my point. | ||
| If you try to sneak in. | ||
| Right, but my point is when you try to go down to Mexico, they don't even stop you. | ||
| So you don't believe in borders. | ||
| You think that could actually work. | ||
| I think that there's no borders. | ||
| You even have to watch what's going on in Europe right now. | ||
| Well, that's a problem, for sure. | ||
| But I think part of the reason that's a problem is that culturally the places these people are coming from are archaic. | ||
| And that's something that the left doesn't want to admit. | ||
| And I'm with them 100%. | ||
| And it's a real problem because what's interesting is... | ||
| Wait a minute, but here's the problem. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It is right. | ||
| Because all cultures aren't equal. | ||
| They never were. | ||
| And that's the left's main tenet. | ||
| Multiculturalism. | ||
| Well, not only are they not equal, but what's interesting to me is that those cultures that are the problem, not only are they not equal, they're incredibly misogynist. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And we're all the fucking feminists yelling at them. | ||
| And if you say anything about those, you're Islamophobic and you're a right-wing hate monger, but you're talking about cultures that are incredibly restrictive of women. | ||
| They're out of the Bible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like 11 AD. I fucking always say that. | ||
| But that's my point. | ||
| And even Bill Maher pointed it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was yelling at the left, the feminists, where are you? | ||
| You're yelling at Trump because he loves to grab pussy. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're lopping off heads because a girl shows her ankle. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's like, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm not a huge, you're trying to make me out to be like a huge Trump fan. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I'm not, but I'm saying at one point in time, all cultures were like that. | ||
| But at one point in time, that was the norm. | ||
| Like 2,000, 3,000 years ago, that was the norm worldwide, right? | ||
| I mean, there was restrictive policies against women and things along those lines. | ||
| That was the norm worldwide. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| So how is it not that way right now in California? | ||
| Because people progressed and evolved. | ||
| So don't you think that people can progress and evolve worldwide to the point where we don't have to have borders everywhere? | ||
| Well, yeah, but not right now. | ||
| That wasn't the question. | ||
| It's going to take a long time. | ||
| Well, my question is, will there be a time where people can just go everywhere? | ||
| And you said you don't think the world works that way. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| People are flawed as a species. | ||
| We're definitely flawed species here in California, but you could drive to Sonoma right now and no one's going to stop you. | ||
| You don't have to show your papers. | ||
| I feel like there's got to become a time in history where human beings are allowed to travel freely wherever they want to go, live wherever they want to go, and the only thing that's stopping that is that some places are far less... | ||
| Far less prosperous than we are here. | ||
| But it's deeper, not just prosperous. | ||
| It's like you said cultures. | ||
| Ideologies, right. | ||
| You're seeing what's going on in Europe, and it's not fucking working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good at all. | |
| And that's as close to open borders as you're going to get. | ||
| Well, they're doing that in Sweden and a lot of these other countries. | ||
| They got a little silly, and they thought the rest of the world was like them. | ||
| And they just let all these immigrants in instantaneously with this... | ||
| But my point is not that we should let everybody in and just do whatever you want. | ||
| My point is that at some point in time, that's got to be the way the world works, where you could literally go anywhere you want. | ||
| I think the Tower of Babel, the idea that at one point in time, people spoke one language, and then that God decided they were getting too crazy, and then he split them up all over the world, and gave them a bunch of different languages so they could never communicate with each other. | ||
| It seems to me that if human beings continue along the path that we're on now, How long it takes, whether it's 5,000 years or whatever, we're going to come to a point in time where we have a universal language. | ||
| And it might be within, you know, our grandchildren's lifetime, where people are allowed to communicate with people all over the world. | ||
| And if technology can evolve our cultures to the point where these people that live in these unbelievably restrictive environments and communities can get to the point where they're like the United States. | ||
| We have disagreements, but you're free to go wherever you want. | ||
| I mean, there's got to be the future. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but that doesn't make him a racist for wanting to protect our borders. | ||
| And that's a Nazi. | ||
| He's a fascist and a Nazi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mexico's not doing anything bad. | |
| That's a childish view of life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The far left, their ideas work great on paper. | |
| Everybody agrees with them. | ||
| Yes, they should be open, but just like you said, everybody should be able to live together and blah, blah. | ||
| And that all makes sense. | ||
| Till the rubber hits the road. | ||
| It sounds good technically, and it will eventually. | ||
| Hopefully they'll get there. | ||
| But I'm just saying, you can't label people fascists and racists that want to fucking protect the border. | ||
| I agree with you to a certain extent. | ||
| And this has come from somebody who loves Latinos, because they're like Italians to me. | ||
| They look like, not just Latinos, now we have Central America and the whole world coming. | ||
| And Canadians. | ||
| And Canadians. | ||
| I'm half Canadian, French Canadian. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You know what's really fucked up? | ||
| Is that it's really easy to come over here from Syria It's really hard to come over from Canada. | ||
| They made it more difficult for other places that almost offer zero problems to emigrate to America. | ||
| If you're a Canadian and you try to get a job in America, good luck. | ||
| I know a lot of people that are Canadians that marry somebody. | ||
| You've got to find some chick and hook it up. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Good Canadian boy, come on over here. | ||
| Or a good Canadian girl. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not that hard to come here from Syria. | ||
| I mean, Obama was busting people to cities and dropping them off without even telling the mayors and shit. | ||
| That's all, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was doing it himself? | ||
| Did he drive the bus? | ||
| It was his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was his... | |
| Was his idea? | ||
| Executive orders, yes. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| How did that order go? | ||
| Do you know what the order was? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Now you're getting all... | ||
| I'm just asking. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I've never heard this before. | ||
| All that shit, DACA and all that stuff is, you know, questionably unconstitutional. | ||
| You didn't hear about it exactly because the media wouldn't cover it. | ||
| If you go online and you're talking to mayors in Pennsylvania, schools are being... | ||
| You know where one place was overwhelmed? | ||
| Lynn, Massachusetts. | ||
| The schools are being overwhelmed by kids who, you know, have been here for five minutes. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of unconstitutional shit went on. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I never heard about that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not making it up. | ||
| There's so many things going on in the world, it's impossible to be abreast of all of it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, I just... | ||
| It's not that hard, I'm saying, you know. | ||
| We just got so lucky. | ||
| That's the problem with being in America. | ||
| We got so fucking lucky. | ||
| Yeah, geographically. | ||
| Oh, the luckiest. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| That's all changed. | ||
| How so? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How so? | |
| A plane. | ||
| They can fly over now. | ||
| They don't have to fucking, you know... | ||
| But we're still lucky. | ||
| That's all changed. | ||
| 9-11. | ||
| They're trying to get lucky. | ||
| That was a long time ago. | ||
| Nothing's happened since. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| You were right. | ||
| For years. | ||
| Because of where we were geographically with two oceans. | ||
| Well, not just that, just the spot itself. | ||
| Things like flight and, you know. | ||
| But it's also the spot itself, like just having the opportunity you have here in America. | ||
| It's so unusual. | ||
| It's so unusual. | ||
| No caste system like we were talking about India. | ||
| Yeah, all you hear is how racist it is and homophobic, yet people, black and brown people are trying to sneak in. | ||
| Is that all you hear, though? | ||
| Is that all you hear? | ||
| Is it America's Racist? | ||
| If you watch TV, mainstream media, yeah, that's all you hear. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't hear them. | |
| I know you don't, because you're out. | ||
| You have a life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watch Netflix. | |
| Yeah, you... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I don't watch programming, man. | ||
| They're trying to program you, man. | ||
| You don't think the mainstream media is fucking... | ||
| has a left slant to it at all? | ||
| I definitely do. | ||
| Even they admit that. | ||
| I definitely do. | ||
| I definitely think for the most part they do. | ||
| And that's where people get their information. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if you're on the right, you have to feel pretty alienated by the media. | ||
| Because the mainstream media, which is primarily in New York and California, those are these big central locations for liberal thinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, that when you get big giant groups of people together, they become liberal? | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Predominantly. | ||
| New York's predominantly liberal. | ||
| California's predominantly liberal. | ||
| Those are the population centers of the country. | ||
| They're also the education centers of the country. | ||
| It's really fascinating to me. | ||
| And even in Chicago, Chicago's kind of predominantly liberal as well. | ||
| Yeah, yet they lost the election. | ||
| But isn't that strange, though? | ||
| I mean, I understand. | ||
| It's people in a bubble who don't hang around with other people. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| But why is it, though, that when you get giant clumps of people that have to live together in huge groups, they become primarily liberal? | ||
| Well, there's big cities in the Midwest that aren't, you know... | ||
| That what? | ||
| That aren't liberal? | ||
| Name one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Boise? | ||
| Just pick a city. | ||
| That's not the Midwest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the West. | |
| I know. | ||
| I was trying to think of the Midwest myself. | ||
| Where's the Midwest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Minneapolis? | |
| Well, Minneapolis is liberal, but it's also... | ||
| Prince is there, man. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| He wore a dress. | ||
| But I sell out of Minneapolis. | ||
| They love me, too. | ||
| I bet they do. | ||
| There's plenty of people. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You're a funny guy. | ||
| You know. | ||
| You'd sell out of New York. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't sell out of New York. | |
| I don't sell out of New York. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| You will now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What are you kidding me? | ||
| Just put on the robe. | ||
| I go... | ||
| It's the belly of the beast every night I'm in front of fucking NYU students. | ||
| What are you shitting me? | ||
| Oh, the NYU students are hilarious. | ||
| All students are hilarious. | ||
| How about college campuses? | ||
| That seems pretty fair. | ||
| What goes on there? | ||
| I have a friend of mine who goes to NYU, and she sent me this thing that was Abolishing Whiteness. | ||
| Oh, I cover that on my podcast. | ||
| Abolishing Whiteness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a class in almost every college now. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| How's that fair? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How is it fair? | ||
| It's not... | ||
| It just seems to me that there's just too much us versus them. | ||
| And that's the real part of the problem. | ||
| Well, that's the media. | ||
| Is that the media? | ||
| They perpetuate. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Sounds like you. | ||
| You're part of the media. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm a part of the media. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a little us versus them. | |
| I got a part. | ||
| So are you. | ||
| So are you. | ||
| You're in a sly way. | ||
| You're doing it very softly. | ||
| Am I? How so? | ||
| Well, you're a lefty. | ||
| But you think I am. | ||
| Well, just because you eat elk doesn't make you a fucking righty. | ||
| Well, what makes me a righty? | ||
| What would I have to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You tell me. | |
| Want a bigger wall? | ||
| What would make you a righty? | ||
| What would make me a lefty? | ||
| Fucking being for punching somebody I disagree with? | ||
| Just pot. | ||
| Just pot would do it by itself. | ||
| You'd calm down. | ||
| That's why I don't smoke. | ||
| What if I didn't have this generator? | ||
| And I had to rely on my neighbors, man. | ||
| I just drank a quart of your coffee. | ||
| You're fired up. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| But what makes someone a righty? | ||
| What are the primary things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| You're the one who labels people righty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You tell me. | |
| Oh, it's just me? | ||
| Not you. | ||
| Your side. | ||
| My side? | ||
| What side am I on? | ||
| You know, Newton. | ||
| Newton, people. | ||
| Where you grew up. | ||
| I grew up in Upper Falls. | ||
| Upper Falls is blue collar. | ||
| What's Upper Falls? | ||
| It's the poor area. | ||
| I know, the poor area. | ||
| They make only $140,000 a week. | ||
| That's a poor part of Newton. | ||
| Imagine there's a place where people average $140,000 a week. | ||
| What are you talking about, imagine? | ||
| It's called Apple. | ||
| Anybody who works in Manningham. | ||
| Is that nice up there? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| The kid got attacked by a mountain lion last year, though. | ||
| That's part of the problem with liberals. | ||
| They don't want to kill mountain lions. | ||
| So that's why I'm not on their side. | ||
| With that issue. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| With a bunch of issues. | ||
| That's how you protect the border, with fucking mountain lions. | ||
| Mexicans know how to handle mountain lions. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're not scared of them. | ||
| Yeah, they're not scared of them at all. | ||
| They eat them. | ||
| Good backstrap. | ||
| Cook them up. | ||
| They have mountain lion loins. | ||
| Tastes like pork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really good. | |
| Have you had lion? | ||
| No, but I know a friend of mine just shot one. | ||
| He said it's delicious. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People eat mountain lions. | |
| What isn't delicious, really? | ||
| Uh, wolf. | ||
| Have you had wolf? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| But Steve Rinello, who was on the podcast, this very famous hunter and author and historian, he was telling me that there was this famous mountain man and wolf was his favorite meal. | ||
| He liked to eat wolf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Guy used to shoot wolves and eat them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Ted Nugent. | |
| But I wonder if it's the satisfaction of eating a wolf because you know it could eat you. | ||
| That's probably why I liked it. | ||
| I figured you would be drinking wolf's blood and shit. | ||
| I've eaten bear. | ||
| I've eaten a lot of bear. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you do it for reasons like the Japanese eat shark fins. | ||
| You want the testosterone and the vitality. | ||
| Yeah, eating rhino dicks and shit. | ||
| No, they shoot bear because they have to, because there's so many bear, and they bear eat all the moose and elk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree with that. | |
| And if some guy... | ||
| And I'm not... | ||
| Now, it's funny. | ||
| Now, here's where I'm not like a fucking righty. | ||
| Like, when I was younger, I'd kill pheasants and shit, and my grandmother would cook them, and I'd shoot rabbits and shit like that. | ||
| As I get older, though, as you get older, you appreciate... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When I see people shooting, taking down a giant elephant on some safari, is that really hard to kill an elephant? | ||
| I could walk up to it and stab it to death. | ||
| You definitely couldn't. | ||
| They'll fucking kill you and throw you. | ||
| I know, but how hard is it to hit an elephant with a gun, Joe? | ||
| Not very hard. | ||
| Not very hard. | ||
| Or even a moose. | ||
| Well, moose is delicious. | ||
| I don't think I could do it. | ||
| You couldn't shoot a moose? | ||
| There's so many deer where I live, I could suffocate them. | ||
| Who's a moose? | ||
| I could suffocate a deer with a dry cleaning bag in my backyard. | ||
| Well, you have a lot of deer in your area, right? | ||
| That area is overrun. | ||
| You've got to be careful of ticks, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you? | |
| Lyme disease? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Did you get Lyme disease? | ||
| Almost. | ||
| I had the tick, I had the big bullseye on my back, and my wife got it. | ||
| Fucking luckily we caught it early, but I... Goombay Johnny, remember Goombay Johnny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His wife got Lyme disease. | ||
| It's fucking dangerous, man. | ||
| I know ten people that have it. | ||
| I have to check my balls before I go to bed every night. | ||
| For ticks? | ||
| Yeah, in the summertime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Well, they give you an antiseptic. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| Ticks, they have like antiseptic saliva, so that when they're biting you, you don't even feel it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You never fucking feel it. | ||
| Creepy little fuckers. | ||
| Creepy little fuckers, man. | ||
| And there's diseases. | ||
| They say that somewhere in New York, there was some place like near Long Island where they tested the ticks, and they found that 60% of the ticks had Lyme disease. | ||
| Six zero. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My wife's knee blew up. | ||
| She got this big fucking... | ||
| So did she take the antibiotics and did they clear it up? | ||
| All that shit. | ||
| Yeah, because we caught it quick. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| But some people you don't even know. | ||
| We had a guy on our podcast, Steve Kotler, and he had Lyme disease for a fucking year before they diagnosed it. | ||
| And it fucked him up so bad that he was in the hospital for three years. | ||
| Three years from Lyme disease. | ||
| Remember that, Jamie? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| My buddy's wife had to walk around with like an IV thing. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's like a silent epidemic in this country, those goddamn ticks. | ||
| And they come off the fucking deer. | ||
| They come off the deer. | ||
| Who look so cute and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, when I shot that deer in Colorado, we found a bunch of ticks on it. | ||
| We had to be super careful cleaning it up. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we found ticks like near its balls and shit. | ||
| You have to be careful. | ||
| Ticks love balls. | ||
| Well, the ticks are gross, man. | ||
| They're just fucking creepy little animals that have this bizarre disease that we... | ||
| It's fairly recent. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a recent disease. | ||
| I mean, it's not that fucking... | ||
| Well, it's probably been around, right? | ||
| But they didn't know what it was back in the day? | ||
| I don't think they think that. | ||
| No? | ||
| I think they think that it's something that is... | ||
| Something created by the right? | ||
| There's a bunch of conspiracy theories about Lyme disease. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely completed by the right because it affects mostly white people. | ||
| That's why... | ||
| There's too many of us. | ||
| We need to balance this out from the Bilderberg Group. | ||
| Oh, read that book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm scared. | |
| Seriously, I'm never voting again. | ||
| So what? | ||
| You just think that it's all a scam? | ||
| Dude, read it. | ||
| It's not a scam. | ||
| It's planned. | ||
| The fucking, the Rockefellers, they're the ones at the heart of all this shit, according to the book. | ||
| So Trump is involved in it and he doesn't know it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what's going on? | |
| That's how far they think ahead. | ||
| You know Bill Hicks' bit, right? | ||
| About Kennedy's assassination? | ||
| I agree with the puppet on the left. | ||
| No, I agree with the puppet on the right. | ||
| Hey, there's one guy controlling both puppets. | ||
| This book makes that crystal fucking clear. | ||
| Well, look at you. | ||
| Your eyes are bulging. | ||
| Your hands are fucking very tense. | ||
| It's like I did an eight ball with this fucking rocket fuel you put in me. | ||
| Don't drink one of these, whatever you do. | ||
| No, I can't touch that. | ||
| 270 milligrams caffeine, that bad boy. | ||
| No, they'll make me cry in the plane. | ||
| I gotta beat it soon. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because I gotta return my car. | ||
| Jerry Sandusky's son Jeffrey charged with child sexual abuse. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It runs in the family. | ||
| Of course it does. | ||
| He probably did it to his own kid. | ||
| More than five years. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, that's terrifying. | ||
| Did that just come out, Jim? | ||
| 11 minutes ago. | ||
| God, that's so terrifying. | ||
| I was supposed to go bowling with him next week. | ||
| Criminal solicitation and corruption of minors. | ||
| 14 counts. | ||
| Oh, God, he's 41. Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| How many counts? | ||
| 14? | ||
| Yeah, that's probably all they caught him with. | ||
| His old man's like, hey, you couldn't keep up with me! | ||
| You pussy. | ||
| He's slacking. | ||
| Like every other kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta be easy. | |
| You gotta light. | ||
| Good. | ||
| So he's going away. | ||
| I should. | ||
| But that's the crazy thing about child sex molestation, that it seems to affect the kids. | ||
| And the kids wind up doing it. | ||
| It's really common. | ||
| For what you just said, we don't know for a fact, but you're probably right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure he got diddled. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| His dad was such a fucking piece of shit. | ||
| I'm sure he probably fucked him, too. | ||
| He probably fucked everybody. | ||
| But he knew a 3-4 defense, I'll tell you. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Was he good at it? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| He was there for years, though. | ||
| When I watched Penn State, you'd see him on the sideline. | ||
| It's too bad Joe Paterno died. | ||
| I would like to have known what he knew. | ||
| About two minutes after he retired. | ||
| Yeah, he was like... | ||
| He was actually lucky. | ||
| Well, you know what the stress must have been like for him? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You know, when they... | ||
| For a guy that age. | ||
| Took down his statue and all that shit and realized that, like, his whole legacy was tainted by being connected to this fucking criminal. | ||
| And then they replaced the statue with Pee Wee Herman. | ||
| That was kind of a dig at him, didn't you think? | ||
| Is that a joke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought you were serious. | ||
| Jamie got it. | ||
| Look, he's fucking laughing his ass up. | ||
| What are you, teleproducer not to laugh out loud? | ||
| He probably laughs at everything. | ||
| He's constantly laughing. | ||
| I just didn't know what you were saying. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| Yes, Pee Wee Herman's a statue in Penn State. | ||
| He's got to be a statue somewhere. | ||
| Google statue of Pee Wee Herman. | ||
| I bet it's up somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's right in front of the Cub Scouts building. | ||
| Remember when he got arrested for beating off in a theater? | ||
| Yeah, who hasn't done that? | ||
| That's the old school way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Go to theaters and beat off. | ||
| I like Jaws so much, I jerked off during Jaws. | ||
| Well, any cop that arrests someone for doing that, they should go to jail for misappropriation of public funds. | ||
| You're arresting people for jerking off at a porno theater? | ||
| What do you want him to do? | ||
| Oh, I thought he was at the lowest centerplex. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I didn't know it was a porn thing. | ||
| No, he went to a goddamn gay porno theater. | ||
| That's what that's for, for Christ's sake. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But apparently people were getting upset that other regular folks couldn't just go and watch guys fuck each other in the mouth and not pull their dicks out. | ||
| What kind of business are you running here? | ||
| There's men masturbating! | ||
| I know. | ||
| Somebody had to fire off an email to the porn theater manager. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| It's low-hanging fruit. | ||
| It's like they just decided to arrest someone. | ||
| They needed to get a collar, and that's how they did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nick DePaul, do you have to leave? | ||
| I do. | ||
| CISO is when? | ||
| Tell us when CISO is. | ||
| My special is premiering this Thursday night. | ||
| It's called Inflammatory. | ||
| It's on CISO TV. What a perfect name for you. | ||
| No Advil required, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| But here's the bigger thing, Joe. | ||
| My podcast, which is on iTunes and Riotcast, on Mondays for free. | ||
| But if you want to subscribe, you go to connectpal.com slash Nick. | ||
| What does subscribing do? | ||
| And they get two to three more shows a week. | ||
| Why don't you just give it to them for free, and then you'll have more people coming. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is working beautifully. | ||
| Because I don't have the money you have. | ||
| I have to do what I've got to do. | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| I have a Coke thing with Henry Hill in Pittsburgh. | ||
| It's going pretty well. | ||
| ConnectPal.com slash Nick, and you can sign up. | ||
| People are loving it. | ||
| NickDip.com for all this information. | ||
| You can get it at NickDip.com. | ||
| And CISO Thursday night comes out on CISO. CISO TV Thursday night is the prayer of my one-hour special on CISO. By the way, I 100% support CISO. CISO is the shit. | ||
| They're doing amazing stuff. | ||
| They have Stan Hope has his special there. | ||
| Joey Diaz has his special there. | ||
| It's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Brian Poussaint. | ||
| Janine did one. | ||
| Janine has a special out? | ||
| She had one a few months ago on C-Show. | ||
| That's literally her only piece of work ever in stand-up. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, she doesn't have a body of work. | ||
| That was always the criticism of her. | ||
| Oh, well, I think she has one. | ||
| Dude, I really don't want to wait a year. | ||
| I just hate traveling so much. | ||
| Anytime, man. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| We could do it. | ||
| We could try it through Skype if you want to do it that way. | ||
| Yeah, I did that with Steven Crowder. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It ain't that bad. | ||
| Nah, I gotta be here. | ||
| You gotta be here. | ||
| Yeah, I don't get to see you much. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Thursday night, Nick DePaul's one of the best comics in the world, without a doubt. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| I really appreciate it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You gotta do it again. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey. |
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