Jan. 2, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:20:28
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, you don't look very fat to me. | |
| If I had to describe you to someone, I wouldn't say that's a fat guy. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| You would definitely say stocky. | ||
| I wouldn't say you're fat either right now. | ||
| I wouldn't say you're a fat guy. | ||
| I know you're wearing layers right now. | ||
| I'm wearing a lot of layers. | ||
| Because you're weighing in, so you're trying to dehydrate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you kind of came in late to the game. | ||
| He sandbagged me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This motherfucker's been working out since August. | |
| And in November, he says, hey, let's do a weight loss challenge. | ||
| I'm at 240. I'm 256 at the time. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Wait, that's a little bit of a Burt-ism, though. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I don't know if you know this, Burt's prone to exaggerate slightly. | ||
| It's called hyperbole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| He was 256 on Thanksgiving after a full binge. | ||
| That wasn't his walk around. | ||
| It was a New York binge where I drank every day on OP radio, drank every single night, and then came back. | ||
| And then he weighed himself. | ||
| I was a full binge. | ||
| Ari said to me, he's like, there's no way you're 244. I got on because that's what Buns was on November 11th. | ||
| That's when my special on Showtime came out. | ||
| And that's when we weighed in. | ||
| It was the day. | ||
| I saw you the next day at the End of the World podcast. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What did you think I was then? | ||
| That's November 8th, though. | ||
| I didn't check. | ||
| I was robust. | ||
| You were big. | ||
| I was big. | ||
| You had a gut. | ||
| Now, what made you guys start this? | ||
| Fucking Ari. | ||
| But actually, Ari made the challenge, but I was thinking about the origin of Bird is Fat. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| It's you and your wife when you get together are dicks. | ||
| Hashtag your mom's house. | ||
| Your mom's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The name of the podcast is the thing you said to other kids when you didn't like them. | |
| Yeah, that's where I was. | ||
| Your mom's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wonder where this hate-filled fucking podcast comes from. | |
| So wait, though, but this is where it came from. | ||
| We were watching a movie! | ||
| And do you remember a few years ago, the head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was in the scandal? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| In New York? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like a maid? | ||
| He raped a maid? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He was accused of raping the maid. | ||
| It was eventually cleared. | ||
| And it inspired a movie that I think was on HBO or Showtime. | ||
| And we were watching it, and they did it loosely or mostly based on that story, but it wasn't a biopic. | ||
| And the guy that played DSK was Gerard Depardieu. | ||
| And there's a scene where they have him get arrested and do the perp walk, and then they do the strip search, like, at Rikers Island. | ||
| And he had this totally bloated, distended, like, big booze body. | ||
| And we were like, that looks like Bert, but bigger, like, way bigger. | ||
| So then we talked about it on our podcast, and then people started to Photoshop Bert onto Gerard Neff. | ||
| I was actually taking it as compliments because I know he's a very talented actor. | ||
| I was like, oh, that's cool. | ||
| By the way, this is all blindsiding me. | ||
| This is happening in their little fucking world. | ||
| And then at the same time, I started a vlog. | ||
| Remember when I did my vlog, Jamie? | ||
| And I knew that one of the things that was popular on vlogs was weight loss. | ||
| So I was watching my weight loss and I was losing weight, but I was always weighing in on a Speedo. | ||
| And it was very self-deprecating. | ||
| I was trying to make it funny. | ||
| These two are watching at the exact same time. | ||
| And making fun of how fat I am, I'm oblivious to this. | ||
| I'm oblivious to all of this. | ||
| And then one day, Doug Benson and I get into a fight. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| I think everyone knows what I'm talking about here. | ||
| Yeah, that was on his podcast, right? | ||
| It was a live podcast, and it was very uncomfortable. | ||
| And it was bad, and I think I spoke... | ||
| I called Tom. | ||
| I went right to the bar after it. | ||
| I was fucking worked up. | ||
| I was like, I think... | ||
| I called him, I was drunk, and he goes, hello? | ||
| I go, hey, we need to talk. | ||
| And he goes, I am so sorry. | ||
| I go, for what? | ||
| And he goes, wait, what are you calling about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, Doug and I had a blowout. | |
| And he goes, oh, never mind then. | ||
| I go, wait, what are you sorry about? | ||
| And he's like, you haven't been online, have you? | ||
| And I said, no. | ||
| And he goes, alright, let's talk about what you're upset about. | ||
| And then after we're done, go online. | ||
| And I just want you to know, Christina and I are very sorry, and we'll make this stop. | ||
| And so I go online. | ||
| It is trending. | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| Bert is fat, and by the way, and this is at the very beginning of it, and I have to be very clear and honest about all of this emotions, because there are parts of this that are like, trigger warning, but like, it was funny as fucking shit, and you couldn't get mad at it, because it was all their best fans making hilarious fucking jokes. | ||
| One guy took the name Bert Kreisler And made his own fucking profile for it. | ||
| He made a website. | ||
| He registered a website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And by the way, I saw him in Hartford. | |
| He's obese. | ||
| He's obese. | ||
| Enormous. | ||
| And he just sat in the front row the whole time going, Bert's fat, Bert's fat. | ||
| Next day his mom shows up, hey buddy, your mom's morbidly obese. | ||
| And the first word she says to me is, why are you so fat, Bert? | ||
| She has five bills. | ||
| And she said, why are you so fat, Bert? | ||
| And I'm like, oh my god, this is getting out of fucking control. | ||
| So he heckled you? | ||
| Not heckle, he was being funny. | ||
| People say it as I hit the stage, too. | ||
| As I walk on stage, half the audience goes, why is Bert fat? | ||
| They yell it. | ||
| Ari and I were in Calgary doing Stampede, and when I got on stage, all they were yelling is, Bert's fat, Bert's fat, why are you so fat? | ||
| And Ari's like... | ||
| Ari said two things to me that night. | ||
| He's like, I've never seen that. | ||
| And then at the end, I was like, I'm not telling the machine, and they started booing. | ||
| And Ari's like, dude, you've got to tell the machine every fucking time. | ||
| I was like, yeah, no shit. | ||
| My career's gotten out of fucking control. | ||
| I have no control. | ||
| I'm fat, and I've got to tell the fucking machine. | ||
| And so then, here's the crux. | ||
| The machine story, if you don't know, is a crazy story. | ||
| Go to the one that's on Facebook that went viral over the weekend. | ||
| Yeah, 12 million views over the weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| The machine story. | ||
| The one from the special. | ||
| It got 12 million views over the weekend? | ||
| On Facebook. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I was telling Tom, marketing companies were calling going like, hey, what was your secret? | ||
| Yeah, how did you strategize this? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I put up a good story. | ||
| Gross fucks. | ||
| And like 10 people that are popular online retweeted it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So go to it. | ||
| What's really cool about it, a little sidebar from this, but what's really cool about this, which I think you'll get a kick out of Joe, You guys heard me tell that story four years ago on this podcast. | ||
| I think half the people, everyone liked it, half the people thought it was a lie. | ||
| Other people go, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Some people are like, I bet it is true. | ||
| The reason it went viral, I think, is that people in my class tagged in the comment section, this story is 100% true, and posted pictures of the entire trip all through the comment section. | ||
| So you can see what Igor looks like. | ||
| You can see what Sasha looks like. | ||
| You see us that night on a train, drunk as fuck with the two gangsters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| All those are in the comments section, and so everyone that's ever heard the story lost their shit. | ||
| Like, dude, I got messages like, one guy said he has cancer, and this is the best thing that's ever happened to him. | ||
| Terminal illness is so tough to deal with. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, but anyway, that's a sidebar to that story. | ||
| Go to the Facebook, my Facebook page. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| One morning I wake up. | ||
| Now I'm dealing with what Bill Burr does reference as fat shaming and quote unquote taking on water. | ||
| And I am fat. | ||
| And I wake up with panic attack at four in the morning because I've been drinking. | ||
| And I go on my wife's friend's Instagram. | ||
| And her mom passed away. | ||
| She's mom hasn't been hospiced. | ||
| You know this one. | ||
| And I write, oh my god, so sorry for your loss. | ||
| We'll see you later today. | ||
| And then one of Tom's fans, and my fan, I guess, writes in the next comment, so sorry for your loss. | ||
| Did Burt sit on your mom? | ||
| Next one is, hey, if you keep her cold, he'll eat her. | ||
| Like, it's just, Jesus. | ||
| I mean, it's just brutal. | ||
| And then this woman comes over to our house. | ||
| She had lost her mom. | ||
| Lost her mom in the middle of the fucking night. | ||
| And her first words to me are, I'm sorry what's happening to you online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, how about... | |
| Do you remember when you went to the zoo with the girls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy... | |
| You want to talk about fucking bizarre! | ||
| I actually FaceTime him. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| It's a random call in the middle of the day. | ||
| So he answers and he's in public. | ||
| And I see him holding... | ||
| He's like, hey man. | ||
| And I go, what are you doing? | ||
| So I'm here with the girls. | ||
| We're talking about the Bird is Fat, Thomas Fat shirts. | ||
| He's like, I'm gonna make these shirts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll put them on my website. | ||
| We'll split the profits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just whatever. | ||
| Just... | ||
| I'll just... | ||
| I'll just tell them on the site so we can split the profits so we can track them. | ||
| And I'm like, cool, cool. | ||
| And I see like his daughter walk by. | ||
| So I'm like, oh, it's people that he's... | ||
| You know, maybe his sister's there with him. | ||
| And then someone behind him is like, Bert's fat! | ||
| Bert is fat. | ||
| And I'm like, uh-huh, yeah. | ||
| I figure it's like a friend's mother or something. | ||
| And then later he's like, yeah, that was a stranger. | ||
| Not later. | ||
| It was right then. | ||
| It was right then. | ||
| It was right then I turned the phone around and I go, I'm talking to Tom Segura right now. | ||
| And she goes, oh, shut up. | ||
| Hi, Mommy. | ||
| I'm a big fan, Jeans. | ||
| Or whatever the fuck they say. | ||
| But here's the other part that went crazy. | ||
| First of all, we had... | ||
| I did press in Syracuse, I think. | ||
| You know when you do morning TV? And they go, what do you want us to lead you with? | ||
| And it's always like, you know, comics will be like, ask me about birds. | ||
| I got a great thing. | ||
| And they want a bit. | ||
| So I was just like, ask me why bird cries for so fat. | ||
| Most of the times they go, I don't know about that. | ||
| They don't want to get racy. | ||
| And the lady just goes, okay. | ||
| So Christina Takamimi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're just in the middle. | ||
| She goes, oh, I gotta ask you something. | ||
| And I go, what's that? | ||
| She goes, why is Bert Kreisler so fat? | ||
| And she said it wrong. | ||
| And by the way, Tom doesn't make a joke out of it. | ||
| He goes, well, he's an alcoholic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's got a lot of problems. | |
| And so we play that on the podcast, and we go, ask... | ||
| The whole thing was, ask Bert why he's so fat. | ||
| So why are you so fat? | ||
| I thought that like 100 people would tweet it to him. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I didn't know that they would destroy his Instagram, Facebook. | ||
| Like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Destroy. | |
| Destroy. | ||
| To the point where I had to tell my daughters, you can't read this. | ||
| Like, it's bad. | ||
| And I've never blocked anybody. | ||
| But then Joey says this, there are these people out there that are fucking broken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And say really hateful things and you're like, hey man, I'm all about a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You can make fun of me all, you fucking. | ||
| Well, I take it. | ||
| Like, I tweeted some guy today that, I forget what he said. | ||
| Oh, he goes, to be honest with you, I think both of you guys are winners in this challenge. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| By the way, Bert, you're still fat. | ||
| And I just, I was on the treadmill and I stumbled and I started laughing and I went, there's ones like that that are out there that are fucking great. | ||
| They're so funny ones. | ||
| And I also, I remember I called him when I thought it was too much. | ||
| I go, I'll do a thing now where I say, and he was like, absolutely, you're not my fucking mother. | ||
| Do that, do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not coming out this front soup going, he has asthma, stop picking on him! | |
| I was like, I'll take this on the fucking chin. | ||
| But that's when we started to go... | ||
| No, that's when Ari stepped in. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because you know Ari has no fucking heart. | ||
| Ari, who's in Kuala Lumpur right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't know where he is, right? | ||
| We don't know where he is. | ||
| He's off the grid. | ||
| He had this podcast, an amazing podcast with Henry Rollins. | ||
| And Henry Rollins, once a year, gets on a plane, he talks to his travel agent, and he goes, where can we go? | ||
| And she's like, have you been to Burma? | ||
| He's like, nope. | ||
| So he flies to Burma and knows no one, brings a laptop and a notebook. | ||
| And like some underwear. | ||
| And just fucking wanders around. | ||
| He gets a hotel room and he just goes out in the street and just goes there during the day and at night he writes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Not impressed? | ||
| I've traveled the fucking world. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Everywhere is the same. | ||
| Beaches are beaches. | ||
| Fucking hotel rooms are hotel rooms. | ||
| Yeah, because you're hammered everywhere you go. | ||
| Yeah, but I also have an insightful... | ||
| Some blurry, fuzzy... | ||
| I have an insightful fucking eye. | ||
| And like, trust me, after a week you're like, okay, this is getting old. | ||
| Is there four seasons around here? | ||
| Like, I can't... | ||
| I think Ari gets a thrill out of that. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, Henry Rollins legitimately enjoys it. | ||
| If you listen to that podcast that he did, it's an amazing podcast because he just talks about the people that he's met and all the experiences that he's had. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Maybe Henry Rollins is a little deeper than I am. | ||
| I am a guy that, like, I want to go to a bar and meet a bunch of people and hang out and have a good time. | ||
| I'm not, like, sitting there going, oh, what is their spice here? | ||
| It seems very dominant. | ||
| Like, I'm not that guy. | ||
| That ice cube weighs something. | ||
| Put it back. | ||
| He's about to suck on that ice cube. | ||
| He's been sucking on it. | ||
| That's the only thing I've been doing. | ||
| Let's get these fucking weigh-ins over. | ||
| We'll get to that. | ||
| So what kind of timeline are we talking about that this all started? | ||
| So after the RE podcast, we challenged each other. | ||
| Which was November 7th, I'm guessing, because I saw you on the 8th. | ||
| So basically, that's this year, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Basically two months. | ||
| So this is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when did you start losing weight though? | ||
| You started losing weight way before that. | ||
| August. | ||
| And what made you decide? | ||
| I think part of it was that we had been doing all the fat talk. | ||
| When did the fat talk start? | ||
| Definitely in the summer. | ||
| I remember listening to one of your podcasts. | ||
| It had to be early then. | ||
| It had to be like May or June. | ||
| It was easily May. | ||
| May was Syracuse, yeah. | ||
| Because I remember in July I was in Alabama and I was jogging and I was listening to you and Push fucking destroy me. | ||
| And I could not stop laughing because it was, I think it was me talking on a podcast. | ||
| You guys taking everything I do. | ||
| By the way. | ||
| The funniest thing that I have seen from this so far is that a lot of English as a second language teachers around the country have sent in videos where they're like in India, Japan, China, and they... | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| A lot. | ||
| Like an alarming amount of English as a second language. | ||
| And they put a camera in the room, and as they're teaching the kids, they teach them to say, Burt Kreisler is fat. | ||
| So... | ||
| We have tons of these videos where the kids are like, and also one lady was like, draws just a fat guy on a chalkboard, and she's like, this is Bert. | ||
| And the kids go, this is Bert. | ||
| And then she's like, he eats too much. | ||
| And they're like, he eats too much. | ||
| And they go through the whole thing. | ||
| See, he's got a teammate. | ||
| I'm doing this fucking solo. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I would love if my wife got involved. | ||
| She fucking hates this weight loss thing. | ||
| Does she? | ||
| Oh, hates it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Like, I would say that I'm going to be dead serious. | ||
| Me, Tom, and Push have to go to dinner and apologize to Leanne. | ||
| Why do you call her Push? | ||
| Because her last name's Puzinski. | ||
| And when we first met... | ||
| He's always done that. | ||
| I'm never good with Christina's and Tina's and Kristen's and all that. | ||
| So you just call her Push? | ||
| I just call her Push. | ||
| Calls her Push. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's a good name. | ||
| They're one of my favorite, literally my favorite couple. | ||
| If I was ever going to be like a side husband, I'd be in that couple. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know how to react to that. | ||
| I don't think I would have had as much fun doing this with anybody else. | ||
| A lot of people didn't understand is that we're best friends. | ||
| And so when I did the podcast with Bill and Tom, people started shitting on Tom and I was like, no, no, no, you're blocked now. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| If you don't like me, if you don't like Joey Diaz, if you don't like Ari, if you don't like Joe, if you don't like Tom, I don't like you at all, because you don't get me. | ||
| Because these guys are my friends, and they define my foundation of what I find funny and what I get. | ||
| So, like, that was one of the things that got shitty about this, is that you'd find people being like, fuck Tom Segura, and you're like, no! | ||
| You're always gonna get that, right? | ||
| Yeah, some people got, like, they got the spirit of it wrong, I think, you know? | ||
| And they were like, that guy's a fucking piece of shit, and you're like, whoa, dude, like, what? | ||
| We're like, crap! | ||
| We're doing a weight loss thing, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What's your problem? | ||
| Some of your fucking videos have been amazing. | ||
| I love the video you're doing when you're playing Credence, Let the Midnight Special. | ||
| That is a fucking great video. | ||
| You're drinking a cup of coffee, and then you get on that treadmill. | ||
| And then the other one, when you're showing that you did five fucking hours and 20 minutes on the treadmill, you ran 22 fucking miles, burned off 3,000... | ||
| How many calories? | ||
| 3,000... | ||
| 2,300 calories. | ||
| That's the bet that I made, though. | ||
| I knew that Burt would do this. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| This is my take on it. | ||
| I knew that you were going to be steady. | ||
| I'm like, Tom's not going to slip up. | ||
| He's not going to say, fuck it, I need a cheeseburger in the middle of the night. | ||
| But Burt might not eat for a month. | ||
| You might go straight What the fuck's his name? | ||
| The Batman guy? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Christian Bale. | ||
| Christian Bale when he was in The Machinist? | ||
| Yeah, The Machinist. | ||
| Oh my god, that's the name of my tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Machinist. | |
| That's the name of my tour, everybody. | ||
| Bert Kreischer is The Machinist. | ||
| Dude, you said it to me one night. | ||
| Like, you know, you go, you go, stop drinking, stop drinking. | ||
| And you go, Tommy's looks good, trust me. | ||
| And then you're like, I don't know, man, you got that crazy thing. | ||
| I call it the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| It's that guy that can go out, party all fucking night long, get up at eight, get on the field, and hit a fucking walk-off home run. | ||
| It's that John Daly gene. | ||
| That Gene, that Babe Ruth Gene, who eats a hot dog in left field and then catches the fly ball. | ||
| That's what I've always... | ||
| I've always admired that in athletes and stars, is those people who can go off tilt. | ||
| Tiger Woods, when he's got the blown-out knee and the bad back, and he drains the 90-foot putt. | ||
| That's what I love. | ||
| I don't like the fucking Phil Mickelsons over here. | ||
| Tommy's Phil Mickelson. | ||
| Safe drive up the middle, 230 yards. | ||
| Looks like he'll hit a 5-iron. | ||
| I'm fucking going for the green every time. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And that's the way, like, but it's not healthy. | ||
| I've had, no joke, no joke, and anyone that's seen me on the road knows this, less than 1,000 calories every single day. | ||
| I've drank in only vodka sodas, and I've run at least five miles a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Every day? | ||
| Every day, except for yesterday. | ||
| I had 1,000 calories for dinner. | ||
| Wait, the night before weigh-in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Right? | ||
| We know we're weighing in tomorrow. | ||
| Guess what he had for dinner? | ||
| What? | ||
| Pulled pork, collard greens, and what? | ||
| Black-eyed peas. | ||
| Black-eyed peas. | ||
| It's a tradition, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soul food. | |
| Every New Year's Eve, we do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sugar, sodium. | |
| The peas are for luck. | ||
| The collard greens are for money. | ||
| I've done it every year, and I've made more money every single year that I've eaten it. | ||
| I'm not going to stop. | ||
| Here's the other thing, too, man. | ||
| Technically, I know going into this, I should lose this challenge. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I knew I was bigger and I knew that he could, if he wanted to be disciplined, I thought he would. | ||
| But I was betting on that he wouldn't be disciplined. | ||
| That's the bet. | ||
| You were bigger when it first started? | ||
| When it first started, I knew that physiologically, too, I think I was at a little bit more of a disadvantage. | ||
| What he's saying, Joe, is when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Here's something about that term. | ||
| You've said that that term you think is a good term. | ||
| I mean, I just said that personally, for me, fat shaming... | ||
| Worked. | ||
| Well, I just feel like that when somebody... | ||
| It's more like just being honest. | ||
| It's like not in denial. | ||
| When somebody goes like, hey, man... | ||
| You need to lose some weight. | ||
| And someone's like, that's fat shaming. | ||
| I go, well, yeah, I think it's just someone being honest. | ||
| I think that's a bullshit term. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| That fat shaming. | ||
| I mean, it only works if you're fat. | ||
| And if you're fat, you should lose weight. | ||
| But that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I have a weird push and pull with it because there was a period where I didn't like it. | ||
| I empathized with, I'll just say Amy because she's the one that gets fat shamed the most. | ||
| Her and Kesha are the two most fat shamed people in the country. | ||
| Who's Kesha? | ||
| One of the best rock stars ever. | ||
| She's the best. | ||
| What the fuck did you say? | ||
| She's one of the best rock stars ever. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Dude, Kesha Dayoung is one of the best rock stars ever? | ||
| Well, she's more than a pop star. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Anywho. | ||
| You've dehydrated your fucking brain to the point where it's misfiring. | ||
| Kesha is... | ||
| Eat an ice cube. | ||
| Eat an ice cube. | ||
| I'm waiting for fucking weigh-ins. | ||
| I'm going to hydrate. | ||
| It's going to happen soon. | ||
| So Kesha and Amy are getting fat shamed and I would read their comments because I was going through something similar. | ||
| Not similar because I think most of mine were in fun. | ||
| But man, they say some mean shit to Amy and Kesha where you're just like, why say that? | ||
| And then I get some of those and I go, hey yeah, there is a point where like one morning you wake up and you're not in the best mood and you check your Instagram comments and you're like, oh fuck. | ||
| This is not the way I want to start my day. | ||
| However, I will say, had it not been for the fat shaming, I wouldn't have lost... | ||
| I'm going to guess I've probably lost 30 pounds. | ||
| You do definitely look better and feel better, right? | ||
| Dude, wait till I take off these layers. | ||
| I feel so much better. | ||
| I feel... | ||
| Dude, I jogged eight miles today. | ||
| That wasn't happening when I was 250. Did you go outside? | ||
| No, I'm on my treadmill. | ||
| Everything's on my treadmill. | ||
| I get in, I watch one of those Rock's workout videos and get inspired. | ||
| The Rock? | ||
| Dude, his workout videos are fucking awesome. | ||
| Do you not follow him on Instagram? | ||
| Oh, he's the best. | ||
| Dude, when he hit me up, does anyone remember the most beautiful day of my life? | ||
| I work out in The Rock's shirt. | ||
| I always have The Rock's shirt on. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The Bull? | ||
| No, it's the... | ||
| The Under Armour shirt? | ||
| No, they're not out yet. | ||
| They're coming out soon, and I'm getting all of them. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| You have a... | ||
| I have a man crush on The Rock. | ||
| But also, a part of this thing is finding inspiration to work out. | ||
| That Creedence Clearwater thing, that's real. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I play that, and then you get on the thing, and you're like, fuck it. | ||
| Let's just start running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let the midnight special shine a light on me. | |
| The Rock. | ||
| Anyway, I would wear his shirt and I would do videos for The Rock to see. | ||
| And in the process, I'd work out. | ||
| I'd work out. | ||
| Because I'd want The Rock to see him. | ||
| Then he saw one. | ||
| And he was like, I made a video where I made a line. | ||
| I was like, you know, this is the best line. | ||
| I go, today I'm doing two-a-days. | ||
| For those of you who didn't play football in high school, two-a-days. | ||
| Or for those of you who didn't get pussy back in high school, two-a-days are what us badasses did to put hair on our balls. | ||
| And The Rock loved it. | ||
| And he goes, that two-a-days line had me rolling. | ||
| And then he goes, team Burt. | ||
| I lost my shit. | ||
| But then I called him. | ||
| I go, you never did two-a-days. | ||
| And he goes, I know. | ||
| I played baseball. | ||
| It's been the fucking funnest. | ||
| Have you guys seen Andrew Santino's bit about The Rock? | ||
| No, that's who it is. | ||
| I was trying to tell somebody that I heard about somebody who has an awesome bit. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I want to see it now. | ||
| I don't want to say any of it. | ||
| Andrew Santino came up on my podcast last week, oddly enough. | ||
| He's got red hair? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| I want to see that bit. | ||
| I got Joey on my podcast tonight. | ||
| Good luck staying sober. | ||
| Wayans are going to be tough tomorrow. | ||
| Eat a star, death son. | ||
| He was on the podcast yesterday. | ||
| We did a UFC fight recap with Joey. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He was at my house for fucking Christmas Eve. | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| Destroying my dad. | ||
| Did you see the video I put it on? | ||
| Did he give your dad an edible? | ||
| He says he did. | ||
| It's undisclosed because my dad passed out hard as fuck and Joey just walked out and goes, I dosed Mr. K and left. | ||
| Did he do it before, though? | ||
| Didn't he give him some popcorn before? | ||
| Yeah, he gave him popcorn one time. | ||
| Dude, the best, though, is that video, the video is so funny, of Christmas Day with Joey and Mr. Kreischer smoking and laughing and trying to stop laughing. | ||
| He's, like, turning to people like, I don't know what to do. | ||
| Like, he's just laughing so fucking hard. | ||
| I robbed this fucking Puerto Rican, and my dad's a lawyer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad's going, Joey, Joey! | |
| My dad loves Joey. | ||
| Literally, I called Joey the day before Christmas Eve. | ||
| I was like, you're coming over, right? | ||
| And he's like, this is what I love about Joey. | ||
| It's no fucking bullshit. | ||
| He goes, what time? | ||
| Five o'clock. | ||
| See you then, cocksucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Click. | |
| And his daughter is like the perfect age for my daughters to feel like they're doing something good. | ||
| So they chase her around the whole time. | ||
| But you guys are like real close to each other, right? | ||
| When we started getting broken in by homeless people. | ||
| Let's play this. | ||
| We had a German Shepherd up there. | ||
| A real... | ||
|
unidentified
|
His name was Killer. | |
| That was his fucking name, Killer. | ||
| Nice little fire pit, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And one day, Killer was fucking around with ham and food. | |
| And I'm a kid, I don't know what the fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's throwing ham up in the air. | |
| I pick up the ham, and that motherfucker... | ||
| What are you gonna do with that? | ||
| Throw it up in the air. | ||
| What you were saying, you just saying homeless people broke in your house? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He took a chunk out of my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was number one. | |
| Then about a month or two later, I went to the 48th Street, in the wrong way, I got my godmother's house. | ||
| I would go there during the week when I had no school and play with the kids. | ||
| She had a nice neighborhood. | ||
| This is what Joey does every Christmas Eve. | ||
| Holds court. | ||
| He holds court. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you told me that story that someone was walking down your driveway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, some homeless person. | ||
| We had two experiences. | ||
| Because of the construction? | ||
| Because of the construction. | ||
| And Joey's the kind of guy, and this is just, the thing he doesn't say, the thing is just, dog, I drive by your house every night at home. | ||
| I drive by just to make sure everything's okay. | ||
| Every fucking night when he's coming home from the store, just drives by my house. | ||
| He's a great guy, man. | ||
| He's the fucking greatest, man. | ||
| He really is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a great guy. | |
| Should we weigh in? | ||
| Let's weigh in. | ||
| Let's do the steaks first. | ||
| Let's do the steaks. | ||
| Now, you started out at what weight? | ||
| What weight before you started? | ||
| You started in August, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What were you at your heaviest? | ||
| 267. Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were closing in on three. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit, you were 267? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How'd you feel? | ||
| Not good, man. | ||
| I mean, I can't say that I woke up and I'm like, oh, I feel it. | ||
| But I was, you know, I was still, here's the thing, at my heaviest, I would still lift weights a couple times a week. | ||
| I still would. | ||
| I would still do squats. | ||
| I'd still do power cleans. | ||
| But I was just eating recklessly, like, whatever I wanted. | ||
| I went to dinner at his house. | ||
| I went to dinner at his house, me and Leanne. | ||
| This is at their old house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was right after they had the baby. | ||
| And Tom cooked us each a steak, like a full ribeye, and then we each got like nine shrimps, and then we each got a slab of potatoes, and then we got a whole stack of greens. | ||
| And we didn't eat it all, and Tom ate it all, and he's like, you didn't like yours? | ||
| And we're like, no, it's a meal for like three people. | ||
| Yeah, I would eat that every day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, that's how you get to 67%! | ||
| So, I just felt like, you know, and then, honestly, like, clothes, too. | ||
| It's so something you don't think about, but you'd be like, oh, I want to get this shirt. | ||
| And you put it on, and you're like, do you have a bigger shirt? | ||
| And they're like, we don't make bigger than that. | ||
| That's the biggest shirt. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, man. | ||
| You go to Gap, and you're like, do you guys have 40s? | ||
| And they're like, we don't make 40s. | ||
| And you're like, oh, so I got to shop at a different store now? | ||
| This is something I think that has been at the base of everything. | ||
| I also did a Showtime special shirtless during this entire fat shaming campaign, which did not help. | ||
| But you do every show shirtless. | ||
| Not to deflect or whatever, but part of the reason I started doing a shirtless is I didn't look good in collared shirts. | ||
| And I couldn't wear a t-shirt. | ||
| And so I just came on stage and ripped my shirt off and I was a little fat. | ||
| I was like 250, 260. And people just thought it was funny and I'd just leave it off. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And then this weekend I took my shirt off and I'm not skinny by any stretch of the means, but I'm not 260 anymore, 250. And it just was flatlined. | ||
| And I was like, okay, looks like the shirt's going back on from now on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The machinist is wearing shirts. | ||
| The machinist is going to wear a shirt. | ||
| The machinist is the new bird. | ||
| So wait, so 267, and then on our challenge day, I would say I was 245, right? | ||
| So, wow. | ||
| So you had already dropped. | ||
| Like 20 pounds. | ||
| And what did you start at? | ||
| On our challenge day, I just said I was 245, thinking that it wouldn't turn into a bat. | ||
| No, you said 240. I said 240. Look at this. | ||
| The machinist. | ||
| But when I got home, the day after, when I got home- You called me, you go, I was actually 250. I was 250 the day when I started, and then I was 256 when I started the diet. | ||
| The day I started the diet was Thanksgiving, 256. And that's probably the highest I weighed in ever that I saw myself on a scale is 256. And so the goal weight was around 225? | ||
| 227. 227 meant, the deal was this. | ||
| Whoever is the lowest weight win, is technically the winner, but if we're both 227 or under, then the burden of paying for things is supposed to go to Ari. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So does Ari pay for both trips? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, no, no. | ||
| We pick one trip. | ||
| We pick one trip, but Ari pays for the tickets to the trip. | ||
| But how do you choose a trip? | ||
| Because if you win, you're going to Super Bowl. | ||
| Well, oddly enough, I'm in Europe when Tom's talking about that game, so I go to that game in a heartbeat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Let's explain that. | ||
| If I won, I wanted him to take me to Barcelona's playing Paris Saint Germain, round of 16, European Cup game. | ||
| So we would go to Paris. | ||
| And you told me initially that you wanted to go to the Super Bowl, so I thought it was the Super Bowl. | ||
| Yeah, I'd go to Paris, so I'm going to be in London. | ||
| What, filming? | ||
| No, no, just taking the girls. | ||
| Oh, awesome. | ||
| I make a lot of money, so... | ||
| I can't say that to either of you two You cocksucker So Ari will pay for that? | ||
| He'll fly you guys to Paris? | ||
| I'm gonna already be there. | ||
| I just need the ticket. | ||
| Ticket to the game. | ||
| You shouldn't tell him that. | ||
| I need the flight. | ||
| Yeah, you need the flight. | ||
| Now, the thing is, will he meet us? | ||
| Meals, too. | ||
| I say meals. | ||
| Because he's off the grid. | ||
| Is he gonna come meet us? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| He won't even know. | ||
| How are you gonna get in touch with him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He probably doesn't have a phone anymore. | ||
| It was based on our BMI. So when we gave him our original BMI versus our height, it was, we were obese. | ||
| And he said, I bet you can't get into just simply overweight. | ||
| And simply overweight, the threshold is 227. So if we got under 227, both of us, but if one of us today does not get under 227, then that person has to pay for the trip. | ||
| How does that work, that body mass index? | ||
| Because you were checking your body fat, or is this just a height term? | ||
| Yeah, it's height to weight, and it's super outdated, and they actually updated, there's a newer version called the Smart BMI, which took into account also the fact that more people are just even bigger. | ||
| Like, you're obese. | ||
| I guarantee you're obese. | ||
| I'm overweight. | ||
| Yeah, I'm overweight by the BMI. But that's because somewhere in my background someone fucked a monkey. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Someone. | ||
| Someone on my great-grandpa's day. | ||
| Someone fucked a gorilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something happened. | |
| Something was wrong. | ||
| And so that became the bet if we could get into just being overweight, which I think, personally, looking at him and feeling, knowing me, I did not weigh in today because I was scared. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| You feel like you're there. | ||
| I think I'm there. | ||
| I think I was there before... | ||
| I know I was there before yesterday morning, and then I worked out pretty hard last night and this morning, but I didn't want to get on the scale because I didn't want to come in let down if I wasn't. | ||
| Okay, so first of all, let's do rock, paper, scissors, see who goes first. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you two. | ||
| Okay, ready? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I didn't know what you were doing. | ||
| Let me do it. | ||
| I'll do the count. | ||
| I'll do the count. | ||
| You guys get your hands up. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| Okay, Bert won that one. | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Even. | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Bert wins. | ||
| So would you like to go first or would you like Tom to go first? | ||
| I like to weigh in first. | ||
| I'm so fucking thirsty. | ||
| So, we're gonna move over to Tom's microphone over there. | ||
| Excuse me? | ||
| Do you have a wide shot? | ||
| Yeah, we can get the whole room. | ||
| We're gonna use that camera up there. | ||
| So we'll be using that camera up here. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Am I in the shot? | ||
| Are we doing this on carpet? | ||
| Take your clothes off, first of all. | ||
| You definitely want to take your clothes off. | ||
| Do you want to calibrate this? | ||
| Well, I know it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Like, I know, but let's make sure we know if it's exactly right, because it may not be like my scale at home. | ||
| I'm always around 200 pounds. | ||
| 201. So I'm 201 with my clothes on, which is like 199. He's got a rubber suit on, the whole deal. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many layers do you want? | |
| Can you see it? | ||
| A lot of layers on, dude. | ||
| The light's up, though. | ||
| Okay, so for folks that are just listening here, we're in the studio here, and Jamie is setting up the camera for YouTube so that it will point directly down at the scale. | ||
| Bert is looking considerably slimmer. | ||
| Considerably slimmer. | ||
| He's got multiple layers on, and now he's down to underwear, which are probably wet. | ||
| He took the first layer of underwear off. | ||
| Socks. | ||
| Drum roll, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| He's drying himself off like a wrestling tournament. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Below 227, everybody. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Call it out, Joe. | ||
| 221! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Oh, no, but it's right. | ||
| I checked my own weight. | ||
| It's right. | ||
| This is what I use at home, too. | ||
| But we can. | ||
| We can check. | ||
| That was 221.6, right? | ||
| 35? | ||
| Yeah, 34.6. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's it. | |
| That's it. | ||
| 221, Tommy. | ||
| 221, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| 221, Tommy. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Tommy, now my prediction... | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Now, Joe, my prediction was Tommy wasn't going to take his shirt off for weigh-ins. | ||
| Oh, I will. | ||
| He's got to now. | ||
| That shirt is precious ounces. | ||
| 221. My man went hard. | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like fucking Chris Cyborg. | |
| He's taking his watch off. | ||
| Oh, I have my watch on! | ||
| That's probably at least a few ounces. | ||
| That's a good watch. | ||
| That's a beautiful watch, by the way. | ||
| I'm going to make a drink. | ||
| Oh, he's going to drink while it's going on. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| This is chaos. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Tommy looking very slim, too. | ||
| Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| 2-fucking-19! | ||
| 2-19! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Wow! | |
| First of all, congratulations to the both of you. | ||
| That is gigantic. | ||
| I'm so thirsty, it's ridiculous. | ||
| We got some coconut water if you want to get some electrolytes in you. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| You guys want a coconut water? | ||
| No, no, I'm good. | ||
| God, do you want a coconut water? | ||
| Are there calories in this? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| It's Stevia. | ||
| It's called Zevia. | ||
| It's like a soda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you 19, Tommy? | |
| Holy shit! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So those extra pounds, like whatever, you know, you didn't drink water, that all made up for it. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Should we have to do this all again together tomorrow? | ||
| A fuckload of weight. | ||
| What happens tomorrow? | ||
| Let's say tomorrow. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Well, first of all, we have one victory. | ||
| Well, here, mmm, man. | ||
| Let's sit down. | ||
| Let's sit down. | ||
| Okay, we got this out of the way. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm so thirsty. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Very impressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tommy, you went from 267? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| 267 down to 219. Holy shit, that's amazing. | ||
| You could see it in your face, too. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| You know, that video that I took a still of it and I put it up on Instagram today? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that one video, I was looking at your face, I'm like, Jesus, you look so fucking healthy. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| He busted open his food when he got there. | ||
| Yeah, some chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little pieces of dried chicken and fucking broccoli and stuff. | |
| Avocado, yeah. | ||
| I just can't eat today. | ||
| I just can't have fluids today and then fucking go to Burt Williams and sweat it out. | ||
| Are you thinking, Burt, about that pulled pork and black eyed peas and all that jazz you ate and you think that might have fucked you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think I'm fucking shocked I'm 221 to be dead on this week. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You both look great. | ||
| You really do. | ||
| Your faces look like two different people. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| When I saw him, we were at All Things Comedy the other day, and I walked up behind him, and I didn't recognize him. | ||
| I go, you went from the little cuddly, chubby friend I have where we giggle to this dude who looks like he videotapes himself fucking. | ||
| But you guys are like... | ||
| Bert, you're like real close to getting down to 200 pounds. | ||
| Dude, considering I did this in like 30 days, yeah. | ||
| You both could be 200 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, well the thing is, you know, I don't want to like, I haven't changed my lifestyle at all technically. | ||
| Like I've changed the way I eat. | ||
| I eat so fucking clean right now, like literally except for last night. | ||
| I've only had lean proteins and greens for every meal. | ||
| I do big fucking, your, the, uh, hulk cum shakes? | ||
| Yeah, hulk loads. | ||
| I call it hulk cum. | ||
| I do those shakes like once a day and I'm under a thousand calories. | ||
| My wife, what's upsetting her is she's like, how do we transition this into a healthy lifestyle? | ||
| Which is fine. | ||
| I think once you get... | ||
| She's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, I can't continue this. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, I had to push back a cardiologist appointment. | ||
| I was like, I don't want him to see me like this. | ||
| Like, I'll wait until I get healthy again. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is not entirely healthy to just drain yourself and dehydrate yourself. | ||
| You're drinking so much water. | ||
| You're like a dog that just got back from the park. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I watched Chris Cyborg's breaking weight loss thing. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, it's horrible. | ||
| And I watched it and I thought, if I can have half that intensity. | ||
| That whole time. | ||
| I watched it at the very beginning of the weight loss. | ||
| I said, if I can have half her intensity in that moment. | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| She's crying. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| To make weight? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And her body's apparently really fucked up from it. | ||
| She just got... | ||
| She just pissed hot for some sort of... | ||
| Well, it's really difficult to say exactly what's going on because what she took was something called Spironolactane, which is illegal in USADA. You're not allowed to take it. | ||
| But her doctor, she says, told her she could take it out of competition. | ||
| She passed on a bunch of title fights, though. | ||
| And the UFC was concerned, so they tested her. | ||
| And apparently people take that. | ||
| It's a diuretic. | ||
| And what she was saying was that her body's all fucked up and hanging on to water now. | ||
| And then she's taking this just to try to level herself out because draining herself down to 140 was so bad for her that her whole system's all fucked up. | ||
| The controversy is, though, that that same drug is also taken by people who are women who do steroids to minimize the effects of testosterone. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So we don't really know. | ||
| I mean, it's their word. | ||
| It's who knows? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It's amazing what you watch when you're focusing on getting in shape. | ||
| The other thing I watch is this guy, Rich Froning. | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The CrossFit champ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, he is like... | ||
| He's a savage. | ||
| He's a borderline sociopath. | ||
| Like, the way he focuses on working out, it's just like he's almost dead inside. | ||
| There's no enjoyment to it. | ||
| It's almost like an obsession. | ||
| So I started looking at it like that. | ||
| Don't enjoy jogging. | ||
| Just make it an obsession. | ||
| My thing was I'd get on the treadmill and I'd go, just one more mile. | ||
| Just do one more mile. | ||
| Everyone would do one more mile. | ||
| This morning I was like, maybe if you're on this mile at a seven, maybe that'll make the difference today. | ||
| And I just would get obsessive about it. | ||
| Anybody want an alpha brain? | ||
| Want some alpha brain in your water? | ||
| If I have some little things in my body, if I touch that, I'd fucking explode. | ||
| I'm going to go ice skating tonight. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| With my daughters. | ||
| For a little exercise? | ||
| I'm looking at it that way. | ||
| I'm gonna look at it as fun. | ||
| I look at it as burning calories. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now, how are we gonna do this in terms of tomorrow? | ||
| Because you guys are real close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you are 219, you're 221. We're only talking about a couple of pounds. | ||
| So those couple of pounds, what if one of you loses more than that tomorrow? | ||
| But like what if Bert gets down to like 206 tomorrow or something ridiculous? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do we do? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Do we average out the two weights? | ||
| Well, if we average out the two weights, it's whoever loses the most overall. | ||
| Because otherwise, we're just going to have a draw or a victory, right? | ||
| If you win again tomorrow, it's easy, right? | ||
| Because you won today. | ||
| But if Burt wins tomorrow, but what if he wins tomorrow by the exact same amount? | ||
| Are you talking about total weight loss or just whoever's lighter? | ||
| We're just saying, what if tomorrow we come in and you weigh two pounds less than me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tomorrow. | |
| Right, but then we each won one day. | ||
| So you were 221, you were 219, correct? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So we're really only dealing with two pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so negligible. | ||
| I mean, that's a few of these. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you can suck that out of your body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That can be done. | ||
| So the question is... | ||
| What if tomorrow Burt wins, but he only wins by half a pound? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you win overall? | ||
| So I have to win by three pounds? | ||
| Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. | ||
| I might as well shave my beard right now. | ||
| So I can get the regrowth started already. | ||
| Wow, it gets kind of dangerous. | ||
| You guys are going to hit that freakish... | ||
| Are you guys taking anything? | ||
| Taking any diuretics or anything? | ||
| No, I haven't even started yet. | ||
| I'd recommend it. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| I was your friend. | ||
| Diuretics? | ||
| I would say. | ||
| Do they have them at the CVS? Oh yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What happens? | ||
| Shit your brains out. | ||
| Piss like a fucking racehorse. | ||
| I haven't shit in like three days because I'm not taking any calories in. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Man, this is where it gets squirrely because you guys are on the wire. | ||
| I mean, clearly Tom won, but he only won by two pounds. | ||
| That's the wire. | ||
| I can't believe that because I thought you'd win. | ||
| I thought I'd weigh 227 today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's the thing. | |
| He comes in and he's like, I think I'm 227. I was like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's 221. That's marathons. | ||
| Run the marathons. | ||
| Wow, yeah, you've been literally doing marathons. | ||
| Yeah, I don't do them all at once. | ||
| I break it up during the day, so I get up at like 6, have a cup of coffee, walk at like a 3.5, walk a mile in like 17 minutes, and then sit down at the computer, see if I'm trending, and see how many views are on my Facebook video, and then get back on, and then I'll run. | ||
| I'll run like two miles, then go fuck around with the girls, come back, get on. | ||
| That's the way I do it. | ||
| I break it up. | ||
| So like right now I got eight miles on the treadmill. | ||
| I'll do a podcast with Joey tonight, get back on the treadmill, bang out another 8, and I'll have 16 miles today. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now, are you walking, running, combination? | ||
| A mix. | ||
| What I like to do, my favorite thing to do is I walk 100 yards on the treadmill, and then I run 300 yards. | ||
| So, like, I'll run at, like, 7.5 over 200, over half of the lap around the circle. | ||
| So the other day when you posted that video and it was five hours? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was that broken up? | ||
| Through the day. | ||
| Starting at 6 a.m., ending at probably 9 at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yesterday I ran three miles first thing in the morning, then went to the Rams game, put on two pulled porks on the big green egg. | ||
| Went to the Rams game. | ||
| It cooked at 300 degrees perfectly for five hours. | ||
| Thank you, Eric Grusin. | ||
| When you put it on the big green egg, how do you keep the temperature stable for that long? | ||
| You regulate it with the pipe up top and the bottom, and you just fill it with charcoals, and once you get it to like 225, If you got it regulated, it's not going to go much higher because it's not getting much air in. | ||
| And then slowly the charcoals will burn, and then it just cooks. | ||
| You don't open it, it just cooks. | ||
| But if you open it all the way, it's going to get way high. | ||
| It gets way, like 700 degrees. | ||
| Yeah, I got one of those. | ||
| I have a Kamado, but it's basically the same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever tried it with one of those pellet grills, though? | ||
| I got... | ||
| I wish I remember his name right now. | ||
| Green Mountain Grill? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Brett. | ||
| Brett. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love my Green Mountain Grill. | ||
| I just got new pellets. | ||
| That thing's fucking better than anything. | ||
| You put it in there and you're like, 225, five hours, perfect. | ||
| Yeah, it stays at that temperature. | ||
| What kind of grill is it? | ||
| It's a pellet grill. | ||
| What they do is they take... | ||
| You know when you go... | ||
| God, what the fuck is wrong with my voice today? | ||
| You know, if you go to a lumber yard and they cut up hardwood? | ||
| The sawdust from the hardwood, they take that stuff and they compress it, and the natural sugars in the wood allows them to compress it down to what looks like cereal or kitty litter or something, like little tiny cylinders, little small cylinders. | ||
| And they take that and you pour it into this hopper, so it's this large bin, and then there's a worm drive at the bottom that slowly turns this stuff into a heating element. | ||
| And the heating element is inside the chamber of this big steel box. | ||
| And the heating element, there it is. | ||
| You see it there. | ||
| Those are the pellets. | ||
| So those are hardwood pellets. | ||
| There's no glue in them. | ||
| There's no nothing. | ||
| It's just the natural sugars from the wood. | ||
| And when you use the machine, when you close that lid, there you get to see it there. | ||
| You could regulate the temperature, and it keeps it exactly at that temperature. | ||
| And that hopper, that'll last for, you know, fucking 10, 12 hours. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, they're incredible. | ||
| And how hot can it go? | ||
| Can it go full 600? | ||
| Well, I have one that's a Yoder. | ||
| It's a really good one. | ||
| It's made out of cast iron. | ||
| It's real fucking heavy. | ||
| Yoder makes these amazing smokers. | ||
| And mine has a direct heating option where you take out that big diffusion plate and you put in these grill grates and it has direct fire that goes right underneath the grill grates. | ||
| I sear steaks on it and I cook elk on it all the time. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And you get that, like, smoky flavor to it, too, because it's cooking with fire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's wood and fire, so it's got a beautiful flavor to the food. | ||
| And if you don't want to—what I do sometimes, my daughters don't like smoked food, is I'll wrap some ribs up in tinfoil and put them in there, and they still cook. | ||
| Like an oven. | ||
| Yeah, it's an oven. | ||
| It still cooks at 225, and then you smoke two other racks. | ||
| Dude, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you're cooking with an oven, but it's all fire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instead of gas heat or whatever the hell, electric heat. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| So why'd you use the Green Mountain Grill instead of the... | ||
| Or why'd you use the Big Green Egg instead of the Green Mountain Grill? | ||
| I wanted to see if I could use it. | ||
| I just got it. | ||
| My dad got it for me for Christmas. | ||
| Because I like the ritual of cooking. | ||
| I like the ritual of starting up charcoal and then getting it into it. | ||
| So... | ||
| So yesterday I ran three miles, put on these two Boston butts, bone-in Boston butts, and then closed it. | ||
| It made things fun. | ||
| I'm sitting at the fucking Rams game going like, I wonder if the grill's too hot. | ||
| Like, shit, did I fuck it? | ||
| It's like betting on a game. | ||
| By the way, went to the Rams game yesterday, I told Tommy, with a jersey that had the machine written on the back of it. | ||
| Oh God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never been recognized more in my fucking life. | |
| I mean, dudes were coming down to my seat going, hey, can I get a picture of you? | ||
| Because it just says on the back of my shirt. | ||
| It was a gift from my management company, and it's a Rams jersey. | ||
| I was like, I'll fucking wear it. | ||
| As soon as I walked in the stadium, big dude goes, the machine! | ||
| And then I turn around, and he goes, oh shit, it's the machine! | ||
| And I was like, he just thought it was a dude with the machine on the back. | ||
| So he's like, the machine! | ||
| And I turn around, and he's like, my daughters are like, dad, fucking stop it. | ||
| Yeah, that must be embarrassing for the kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever thought about getting one of them offset smokers where you throw logs in there? | ||
| Like those old-school Texas-style ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Put it in the back corner by the chickens and just have a big oil can and they just open up. | ||
| I love one of those. | ||
| Yeah, that's the real ritual, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a barrel grill where you have to take off the grates while you're cooking to keep adding coal and wood chips to it. | ||
| Oh, old school. | ||
| Old school, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about that. | ||
| Do women appreciate that? | ||
| Is that a male thing? | ||
| I like working with fire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't see a whole lot of women grilling. | ||
| I don't see a lot, no. | ||
| Not a lot. | ||
| Sure, there definitely are. | ||
| Sure, but it's not like they can't do it. | ||
| Right, but I don't see a lot. | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| Women like to cook, but men want to cook outside over fire. | ||
| I think it's primal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I cooked up, you gave me that elk last time. | ||
| Yeah, more if you want. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Save it for tomorrow, though. | ||
| I'd cook it up and I'd, oh, I'm getting pizzas delivered here tomorrow. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| We're getting fucked up tomorrow. | ||
| After weigh-ins, if I don't have a beard, I will be drinking vodka and I'll be making him drink vodka. | ||
| Should we bring a razor? | ||
| We should. | ||
| Where the fuck is Dollar Shave Club when you need them? | ||
| They're one of my sponsors. | ||
| I'll bring a razor. | ||
| But you're going to need an electric one. | ||
| Why are you looking at me? | ||
| You lost today. | ||
| I'll bring... | ||
| I got clippers. | ||
| You can shave me, but we're using my clippers. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why am I already giving up? | ||
| By the way, I'll shave you. | ||
| We have to figure out how you can win. | ||
| I thought he's just a person that is the lowest. | ||
| Well, he won today. | ||
| It's a two-day weigh-in. | ||
| So he won today. | ||
| So if you get lower tomorrow, you would have to get lower than two pounds lower. | ||
| Because it has to be a victory overall, right? | ||
| I mean, don't you agree? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We should let people weigh in on Twitter. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| No, don't do that. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You tell them the rules. | ||
| There's too many people on Prozac in the basement with their dick in their hand, typing with one hand. | ||
| They're not paying attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call Ari. | |
| Ari just texted me. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Good luck on the weigh-ins. | ||
| I hope you're not fatter. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say, at this point, he's already paying for stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not gaining eight pounds tomorrow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now, he's trying to figure out how to unflip his phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's still committed to that flip phone. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| It's a flip phone and mumbling. | ||
| He sent me an eye. | ||
| I know he talks to me. | ||
| He's got a mouth full of fucking shoelaces. | ||
| Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari. | |
| Hey. | ||
| How high is he right now? | ||
| Ari. | ||
| That's his outgoing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are you? | |
| He's talking to someone else and he answers the phone. | ||
| Don't hang up. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He'll get to you eventually. | ||
| You've got to understand Ari. | ||
| I can't believe this human we're friends with. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I'll do it there. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Silly. | ||
| He's the best though. | ||
| I just love what he's done like very few people get wealthy and like I've known Ari since he was a He was a doorman at the fucking store. | ||
| Yeah, and he was an open-miker when we became friends and When he became famous one of the first things that fucking guy did was Abandon all fucks. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't have any none together. | ||
| He's got zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean zero pretty awesome Can you hear me? | |
| Is he an airplane? | ||
| Ari! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'll get to this. | |
| Hold on Is that his outgoing voicemail? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It sounded the same. | ||
| Not totally. | ||
| No? | ||
| Oh, he's in the middle of a podcast. | ||
| He's in the middle of, it sounds like Legion of Skanks. | ||
| Legion of Skanks podcast. | ||
| Hey Ari, can you hear me? | ||
| Ari, do you hear me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the feeling? | |
| Are you gonna get your money back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the feeling? | |
| You get some back. | ||
| You get some back. | ||
| Lewis is stealing. | ||
| But he's answering the phone, which is weird. | ||
| This might be... | ||
| An outgoing message? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's call him again. | ||
| Let's see if it's his outgoing message. | ||
| Which is hilarious. | ||
| He just texted me. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| Fuck yourself? | ||
| Good luck today. | ||
| I've been hoping you win since day one. | ||
| That's the same message you sent to Tom. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| What a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a dick. | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a dick! | |
| Let's see if it's the same exact message. | ||
| Because if it is, then... | ||
| How funny would that be if that's his outgoing message? | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| I came in the middle of a conversation just to confuse people. | ||
| People used to do that, remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I still fall for those. | ||
| Hey man, give me one second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let me get the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please leave your message. | |
| That's not his outgoing message. | ||
| Fuck him, let's keep calling him. | ||
| Fluids never tasted better in my entire fucking life. | ||
| I don't know how these professional fighters do it. | ||
| They get paid? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they're savages? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not easy, man. | ||
| Hey, you're alive. | ||
| So, Burt Kreischer, 221, Tom Segura, 219. Wow. | ||
| Yeah, we're on the air right now. | ||
| 221. Like a fucking gangster, and then Tom gets on it. | ||
| 219! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, are they below obese? | |
| They're both below obese, so you have to pay for their trip, you fuck. | ||
| How you feel about that? | ||
| Yeah, no way, yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, it's my scale. | ||
| It's my scale, and we put weights on it. | ||
| Their heights? | ||
| They're both 6'1". | ||
| They're both 6'1". | ||
| We're the same height. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| He's 6'1". | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like you're wearing elevators. | |
| The Jew in you is trying to save some money here. | ||
| Stand up, please, Tommy. | ||
| Tommy, stand up. | ||
| Okay, they're going to stand up. | ||
| They both have no pants on, by the way. | ||
| Burt looks a little taller. | ||
| Maybe a half an inch taller. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would say, but it's hard because your hair is a little flattened up and Tom's a little thinner on top. | ||
| Flatten that out. | ||
| Flatten the hair down. | ||
| One more time, please. | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| Go back to back. | ||
| Let's take a look at this here. | ||
| Yeah, listen, the difference in height is maybe a half an inch. | ||
| Maybe a half an inch. | ||
| Burt might be a half inch taller. | ||
| And Burt, how tall are you? | ||
| I'm 6'1". | ||
| He's 6'1", so Tom's probably 6'1". | ||
| Yeah, they're both under obese, bro. | ||
| You lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We know. | |
| You've got to go into a BMI calculator and figure that out. | ||
| Okay, we'll go into a BMI calculator. | ||
| Here's a question to you. | ||
| Since Tom Segura won today by two pounds, we're saying tomorrow Burt has to win by more than two pounds if Burt wants to win overall. | ||
| Does that sound correct to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| If he wins by two pounds tomorrow, he should get the tiebreaker because that's the final non-cut tiebreaker. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, because Tom won by two pounds today, so Tom has one victory under his belt. | ||
| If Burt wins by two pounds tomorrow, it's just a draw. | ||
| So he would have to win by more than two pounds, because that's the amount of victory that Tom got today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they both sweat a bunch, and this is why we did multiple days, because we want their actual race. | |
| So tomorrow's day would be counting for a little more, but we could do a draw, but I would say, yeah, which is a tiebreaker. | ||
| Okay, so we added their weight up, 6'1 and 221 for Bert, and the overall body mass index is 29.2. | ||
| So he's overweight only. | ||
| She's overweight only. | ||
| That's not obese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, what about 6.5? | |
| Okay, let's just go with 6 feet. | ||
| He's still going to be overweight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've already done this so many times. | |
| It's overweight. | ||
| We just went with straight 6 feet without even the half inch. | ||
| Yeah, but put me in at 5'10". | ||
| Or at 5'8", rather. | ||
| Wait, who had the lower BMI? Tommy did. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm obese. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I'm obese. | ||
| 5'8". | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ridiculous, but that's hilarious. | |
| At 5'8", 200, I'm obese. | ||
| And they're not. | ||
| Who's got the lower BMI? I got a six-pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're all masked. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So what do you think? | ||
| Do you think that that's how it should be? | ||
| That Bert has to win by more than two pounds tomorrow? | ||
| Does that seem fair? | ||
| Hang on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe let's see who's got the lower BMI. Tomorrow should be the final way because they couldn't have cut or fucking steamed or not drinking any water. | |
| They couldn't do that today. | ||
| They couldn't do that two days in a row. | ||
| Yeah, they could. | ||
| No, they can't because they're going to rehydrate. | ||
| They definitely could do it two days in a row. | ||
| Who's got the lower BMI, Jamie? | ||
| You do by.1. | ||
| I think there was a blind weigh-in today. | ||
| And it wouldn't be fair if you base it on what Burt already knows. | ||
| Because Burt already has a goal now. | ||
| See, today was all about willpower. | ||
| And Tom won that. | ||
| It was all about willpower. | ||
| Who's losing the most weight? | ||
| Who comes in the lightest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, yeah. | |
| All right, Ari has spoken. | ||
| But you're going to have to pay for the trip. | ||
| You understand that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| You have to bring in a tape measure and have them against the wall and find out there exactly. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Tape measures? | ||
| He's actually... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| No, this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you measuring the weight? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| He already... | ||
| But your dad shrunk. | ||
| Old people shrink. | ||
| He already conceded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're not that old. | |
| They're not old to the point where they're shrinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, my dad said he was six feet and he was really only 5'10". | |
| It's because he used to be six feet. | ||
| He was, yeah. | ||
| People shrink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the goal weight was... | |
| By the way, he can stop right there. | ||
| The goal weight was 227. The goal weight was 227, Ari, so you lost. | ||
| We're both well into just overweight. | ||
| Yeah, that was the goal weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the tape measure for tomorrow. | |
| Get the tape measure? | ||
| What's the fucking tape measure? | ||
| Okay, listen, to make you happy, because you're the one who's going to have to pay, we will measure height, and then we'll measure weight, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, we gotta go. | ||
| Love you, faggot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What a cheap piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a cheap piece of shit Ari is. | |
| He makes a bet and then Kit... | ||
| What a horrible person. | ||
| And all he's got is money and nothing. | ||
| We have children. | ||
| He doesn't spend money on shit. | ||
| I told Ari, and Ari is making fucking bank. | ||
| He's selling out everywhere. | ||
| His show's on its third season. | ||
| He's killing it everywhere. | ||
| And I go, get a nice car. | ||
| Get yourself a little BMW or an Infiniti or something. | ||
| Don't listen to his podcast with me and Ren Azizi. | ||
| He can't understand the concept of a fucking mortgage to save his life. | ||
| Oh yeah, you were saying that before the podcast even started. | ||
| That he was getting angry that you have a mortgage. | ||
| He's like, why would you do that? | ||
| Because the whole premise was, we borrowed money against our house to do a renovation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which makes sense. | ||
| You know, your house is worth more than you paid for it, so you borrow against that, take out $200,000, and you renovate it. | ||
| And then you make your house worth more, but your mortgage is still very small, considering that you've only borrowed a minimal amount of money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ari couldn't wrap his head around that. | ||
| No! | ||
| That's not your money! | ||
| That's not your money! | ||
| He yells, too. | ||
| He gets mad and yells. | ||
| Here's what else he's gonna do. | ||
| He's gonna end up trying to, like, if he does have to pay for this, pay for it in the cheapest way possible. | ||
| It'll be like last row seats. | ||
| But what I don't understand is he's known me forever, and I've never worried about money. | ||
| I've always just said, just spend it and live. | ||
| You're not here forever. | ||
| Just have a good time. | ||
| Don't go crazy. | ||
| Don't buy a bunch of shit you can't afford, but definitely don't think about it. | ||
| The best thing about money, the number one thing about money that's the best thing about it is when you make money, you don't have to think about it. | ||
| Meaning that your bills are paid. | ||
| I remember when I got my first development deal, when I was 25, somewhere around then. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I felt light. | ||
| I felt light. | ||
| Like I got a check, and it was like 100 grand or something like that. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I don't have to feel... | ||
| I'm not thinking about money anymore. | ||
| It was the craziest feeling. | ||
| It was like I felt lighter. | ||
| I felt like a weight literally had been lifted off my shoulders. | ||
| Like it actually physically felt like the stress of how am I... Oh, then there's the phone bill. | ||
| Oh, there's the gas bill. | ||
| Oh, there's the rent. | ||
| Oh, there's the car. | ||
| All that shit was gone. | ||
| Yeah, it's an amazing feeling. | ||
| That's the number one good thing about money. | ||
| It's not about, like, castles and Ferraris and all that bullshit. | ||
| It's about not worrying about it. | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
| You make great money. | ||
| You don't have to worry about a fucking mortgage. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He just couldn't wrap his head around it, and we tried to make it very simple. | ||
| Pretend you have a backpack. | ||
| Now, I want to say, I'd like to borrow against that backpack and put stuff in your backpack. | ||
| Now your backpack's more valuable. | ||
| He's like, I don't understand backpacks! | ||
| He doesn't even have a watch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He has to look at his phone or ask somebody if he wants to know what time it is. | ||
| And his phone was made in the 20s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's true. | |
| It's a stupid fucking flip phone. | ||
| He barely knows what time it is! | ||
| Yeah, it's like he's eating shoes while he's talking to you. | ||
| He's got a mouth full of, like, undigestible things. | ||
| He makes a living talking. | ||
| He's a professional orator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ridiculous. | ||
| He's trying to get out of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You realize that? | |
| No, I know he's getting out of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to see. | |
| I want to be there when you measure their height. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're lying. | |
| I measured my dad. | ||
| He said he was 6'1". | ||
| How about the fact that we both lost a considerable amount of weight? | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| He's thinking about his money going away. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's so crazy. | ||
| Way to fucking stereotype it up, Ari. | ||
| Right now he's making a suit and some shoes as a tailor. | ||
| He's such a silly boy. | ||
| He's such a silly boy. | ||
| We should make him wear horns to this game. | ||
| I just feel like, I mean, how much would it cost to fly you to Paris? | ||
| Well, that's actually pretty expensive, right? | ||
| Yeah, we're not going coach. | ||
| Yeah, how are you going to... | ||
| Then it's like $25,000. | ||
| Man, we're overweight. | ||
| We can't buy a coach. | ||
| Yeah, you're overweight. | ||
| $25,000. | ||
| I'm obese. | ||
| That's what's disturbing. | ||
| But that's why they... | ||
| The scale's wrong. | ||
| It's not a scale, but it's hilarious. | ||
| If you look up Smart BMI, have you seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the one that they developed a little bit later. | ||
| That's supposed to be a little more like, you know... | ||
| Progressive in terms of knowing that hitting 200 and more is more along the norm for a lot of... | ||
| I don't know if you would... | ||
| You won't register the same way you did on that BMI. Right. | ||
| It was developed later. | ||
| So the real way to do it is to check actual body fat. | ||
| Yeah, to get a real test. | ||
| That's a real body mass. | ||
| They got this thing at my CrossFit place where they were... | ||
| They bring in a tank of water, and you sit in a tank of water. | ||
| That's how you really are supposed to do it. | ||
| That's the real show. | ||
| And then it tells you how many calories you burn in a day, how many shoes you need to burn. | ||
| They do that with a combine. | ||
| They get people's body matches. | ||
| I'd love that. | ||
| If anyone's listening, Tom and I will totally go to a combine and do a combine. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| We wanted to do a show, Bert vs. | ||
| Ari vs. | ||
| Tom, where the three of us make bets against each other, and just outrageous bets. | ||
| Because let's be fucking honest. | ||
| In one month, we've lost a considerable amount of weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| If you had a time lapse of that, if you had just a show shooting that, it would be fun. | ||
| And just the call-out videos we've been doing to each other, they've been fucking hilarious. | ||
| So you've lost at least, like, probably 35 pounds? | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a month? | ||
| In a month. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And you've lost probably... | ||
| What did you think you were a month ago? | ||
| Because you've been more steady, right? | ||
| I've been more steady, yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| He called up one day and he goes, this isn't fun, man. | ||
| He's like, this is... | ||
| He's like, this isn't a good idea. | ||
| Like, this isn't healthy. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I know. | ||
| I go, you started it, asshole. | ||
| Don't you think I want to be fucking eating 500 calories getting on a treadmill every day? | ||
| I'm losing a fucking toenail! | ||
| If you start with the start weight, it's 48 pounds for me. | ||
| But then in the last, probably in the last month, it's probably like 20, 25. Dude, pick up that 35 pound kettlebell and realize that you lost 10 pounds more than that. | ||
| Just pick that up. | ||
| The smaller one, just feel that. | ||
| Feel that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And feel that. | ||
| That's 35 pounds. | ||
| You've lost that in a fucking month, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I don't want to feel it. | ||
| Yeah, feel that. | ||
| Think about walking around with that all day. | ||
| What a burden that is. | ||
| No wonder I had plantar fasciitis. | ||
| Oh, for sure, man. | ||
| Your feet are carrying the whole weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really, it's amazing what you guys have done. | ||
| Just because it's fun, I mean, it's kind of fun, but it's obviously a lot of work. | ||
| But I mean, because you guys had this fun challenge and it became this big thing. | ||
| It's definitely, I mean, I feel like you definitely want to live more around this weight, right, going forward? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This would be great. | ||
| This would be a great weight. | ||
| Do you think you'd like to get lower? | ||
| Ideally, I'd like to be 215. It would be cool. | ||
| But yeah, you're not that funny fat. | ||
| If you take your shirt off, it's not funny anymore. | ||
| I'd like to stop taking my shirt off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've told you this in the store. | ||
| I don't take my shirt off at the store. | ||
| I have taken it off, but normally, if I do a set in the OR, I don't take my shirt off. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I don't think about taking my shirt off. | ||
| It's just, you know, it's one of those things... | ||
| It became automatic with you, though, right? | ||
| It happened organically, and then it was one of the things that, when I did my special... | ||
| I talked to my buddy Cowhead, Mike Cauta, and he was just like, you're not going to do it with your shirt on, are you? | ||
| And I was like, I haven't really thought about it. | ||
| And he's like, the thing I like about watching you do stand-up is it doesn't seem like it's different. | ||
| He's like, your first special, you were dressed up. | ||
| And I get really fucked up in my head about what to wear on stage. | ||
| That really kind of gets in my head about, like, I don't want to put on a costume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| So for me, taking my shirt off was just being... | ||
| It was authentic to what you were doing, because you were doing that for the last couple of years. | ||
| I've been doing it for like five, seven years. | ||
| Is that how long you've been doing that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The shirt off? | ||
| It started, yeah. | ||
| Seven years? | ||
| I've been porn with a shirt on on the road. | ||
| You can't find a picture of me a lot of times. | ||
| First show, after the show, I'll put my shirt on to take pictures with people, but I have so many pictures of me and my shirt off just because it felt real. | ||
| It felt organic. | ||
| Let me ask you this because when I'm sick and if I go on stage, I don't feel right. | ||
| I feel off. | ||
| I feel weak. | ||
| When you guys are doing this, you're draining your body, so it's almost like you're sick. | ||
| What have your sets been like? | ||
| I'll tell you, Tampa was the day I really started when I went to Tampa. | ||
| By the way, I've been on the road this whole fucking month doing this weight loss. | ||
| I've done every fucking week on the road. | ||
| And in Tampa, I was not good. | ||
| I was dizzy. | ||
| I couldn't get my hands warm. | ||
| You're in Florida! | ||
| You can't get your hands warm. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I was dizzy, and I was like, I don't even think, I was drinking a little bit, but I wasn't drinking much, but I wasn't eating. | ||
| That was the other thing, I wasn't eating any calories. | ||
| And I think, and I'm sure I wish I had a doctor to tell me this, I think I was probably pre-diabetic. | ||
| And then when I stopped taking in all sugar altogether, my body just went fucking crazy. | ||
| There was a set where I was like, I was dizzy and they were sending up juice to the stage so I could get sugar in my body. | ||
| Whoa, like you asked them to do that? | ||
| Yeah, they sent up cranberry juice and then I drove in one day and I was like shivering and I pulled into McDonald's and got an orange juice and I was like... | ||
| Dude, something's fucking wrong. | ||
| My parents were worried. | ||
| But then right after that, I started feeling good. | ||
| And then I got to like Fort Lauderdale and I was like, bam, I'm on roll. | ||
| I was in Omaha. | ||
| Omaha was the best. | ||
| I started losing weight. | ||
| I started feeling good. | ||
| And then they were doing topless shots upstairs. | ||
| $3 topless shots. | ||
| What's a topless shot? | ||
| Everyone's fucking naked. | ||
| The people that were serving you shots or you? | ||
| Everyone in the audience. | ||
| The whole audience? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What in the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was just everyone upstairs, topless, and if you were topless, you got a $3 shot. | ||
| Tits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| It was the smartest thing. | ||
| This was an indie? | ||
| And Morty's Comedy Journal was the smartest thing they ever did. | ||
| How did they get away with that? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know that they'd care. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like they don't care in this picture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I sent it to Tom. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The best picture I sent to Tom? | ||
| Here, wait. | ||
| Let me show it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, as long as you're in Indianapolis, you can pull that shit off. | ||
| Yeah, you can't get away with that. | ||
| Do that in New York to put you in jail. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| You have to have a license to show your tits. | ||
| I had day two of Cutting Sugar. | ||
| We did a live podcast, and I was in a bad fucking mood, man. | ||
| Yeah, I'm bad, right? | ||
| I showed up, and I said something to the manager, and then I heard Christina. | ||
| She was like, just stay out of his way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because I didn't mean to apologize later, but I was real short. | ||
| Irritated. | ||
| I texted this picture to Tom, and I was like, weight loss is doing good. | ||
| Tell me what you think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's his hog. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Photoshopped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Photoshopped. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| To look fucking ridiculous. | ||
| But it was like, it was kind of on the line, right? | ||
| So I was like, Jesus, man. | ||
| He was like, and then he wrote like, oops, I didn't mean to send it from the waist down. | ||
| And I go, do you mind if I tweet this? | ||
| And then he called. | ||
| I have daughters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have daughters. | |
| I actually have real naked pictures of you. | ||
| I showed that to Dan Marino. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I was showing it to Paul and Young Ron on their last day, and Dan Marino sat down, and I still had it on my phone. | ||
| I go, Dan, you've been in a lot of locker rooms. | ||
| What do you think about this? | ||
| And he goes, urgh! | ||
| Hey, you were with Captain Lee from Below Deck on that. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, some reality show. | ||
| What reality show is Below Deck? | ||
| Below Deck is like, it's chart, yard, I can't say, yacht charters. | ||
| And they have, so you have like, it follows the crew, and then the guests, right? | ||
| So Below Deck is the crew, and the guests are upstairs. | ||
| So it's just like a nonsense reality show, but super entertaining. | ||
| They are running out of fucking topics. | ||
| It's super entertaining. | ||
| I get lost in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, like, as a fluff show, like, as something to watch as you... | ||
| You like a lot of stupid shows, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, Tom likes a lot of stupid shit. | ||
| You ever fucking... | ||
| You ever see his promotions for his tour? | ||
| It's just some black lady putting on cream? | ||
| Happy getting real up in this, bitch! | ||
| Tom Segura, Indianapolis. | ||
| Do you ever have some of the people that are actually the people from that video contact you after you put their videos up as promos? | ||
| Not as... | ||
| I don't think on the promos yet. | ||
| I've had it from your mom's house, like videos. | ||
| Right, like Throatzilla. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She reached out. | ||
| She follows me. | ||
| She came to a show. | ||
| She follows me. | ||
| Yeah, that would have to be really weird, right? | ||
| I wasn't expecting, she was like, posting, you know, I'm gonna come to this show or that show, and I was just like, you know, I didn't respond, I didn't know if it was serious or not anyways, and then she just, she showed up and goes like, I don't want my picture taken, and then she was wearing a shirt that said, throatzilla, throatzilla, google me. | ||
| So I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| But she was super nice, you know, very nice. | ||
| So, you really think that you were pre-diabetic? | ||
| I might have been. | ||
| Do you want to throw in the towel for tomorrow, or do you want to go for it? | ||
| Oh, I'm going for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Ari's already paying, no matter what. | ||
| So the burden's off of you guys. | ||
| It's just a beard thing now. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a beard thing. | ||
| Ari's very upset. | ||
| Very upset. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| He's trying to roll it back. | ||
| He doesn't believe your heights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The line! | ||
| The line! | ||
| Find out how tall they would have to be to be obese. | ||
| Go to... | ||
| I've done this so much, I can already tell you. | ||
| Go to 5'10". | ||
| If I was just six foot, I'm still overweight. | ||
| Yeah, it was like 5'11", that would have been. | ||
| So six foot was real close. | ||
| Okay, well, so for sure, he's lost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's definitely lost. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Tom and I have already talked about this ad nauseum, and trust me, I've looked at that BMI scale a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check! | |
| Check! | ||
| You gotta weigh him! | ||
| You gotta measure him! | ||
| Your scale's off! | ||
| I had a physical three, four months ago where they measured your height and everything. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't believe the scale's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I'm going to my cardiologist next week. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Yeah, I rescheduled it. | ||
| I was like, I'm in the middle of this weight loss challenge, and it's not super healthy, and I kind of don't want to see you now. | ||
| I was like, can I see you when I've rebounded? | ||
| I think you losing all this weight the way you're doing it, I don't think it's really going to fuck with your heart that much. | ||
| I don't think it's a bad thing. | ||
| You think it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is your heart bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| If you went in right now dehydrated, it would probably have some sort of an effect. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was supposed to go in last week, and I was just like, I don't want to go in and him being like, hey, listen. | ||
| Something's going on with my thyroid that they've never really figured out. | ||
| So I don't want them to be like, you're fucking with your thyroid. | ||
| I was like, let's just get through this. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| By the way, that's the other part of this is that none of this was like, it's all healthy. | ||
| I want to be healthy. | ||
| I want to live long. | ||
| I want to see my kids get married. | ||
| Fucking Ari posted a tweet about that. | ||
| What if Burt Gaines wait? | ||
| Then he'll be in heaven and some other man will be holding his daughter's hand, walking her down the aisle. | ||
| Fucking Ari sometimes. | ||
| He's ruthless. | ||
| Yeah, ruthless. | ||
| It's almost like he's got Asperger's or something. | ||
| When I walked in his room that day, the day the challenge started, I was like, what's up? | ||
| He's like, you're fat. | ||
| You're fat. | ||
| You're obese. | ||
| Oh my god, you're obese. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| You're obese. | ||
| And then I'm like, okay, it's good seeing you, Ari. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like, I was going to talk to you about family, but you're just obese. | ||
| And you're like, I'm here for like an hour. | ||
| I've got to run back to OB radio. | ||
| Can we do a podcast? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're just so fat. | ||
| How fat do you think Tom is? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's how it started. | ||
| Is Ari's just fucking... | ||
| See, he probably wouldn't be so intense about it if he didn't have the possibility of him paying money. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Looming over his head. | ||
| I bet you he's obsessing right now. | ||
| Oh, he's mad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now he's mad. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He's like, their scale's broken. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Broken scale's no good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He thinks things are heavier than they are. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That scale's bullshit. | |
| They're lighter. | ||
| They're heavier. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Fucking Ari. | ||
| He's just thinking about a way to get out of it right now. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Scrambling. | ||
| I mean, we put a 35-pound weight on that scale. | ||
| It was 35 pounds. | ||
| But not only that, though, he brought up the height thing to me, I don't know, a month or so ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And I was like, look, man, we need to know what the goal weight just is. | ||
| And he agreed it was 227. It was 227. That was what it was at the very beginning. | ||
| You guys were both way under that. | ||
| When I got here today, I thought I would be 226 and something. | ||
| You're almost 10 pounds under that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he lost. | ||
| Let's just talk about the beard now. | ||
| Are we shaving the whole thing off? | ||
| You should make you wear a Hitler. | ||
| Those are new stakes. | ||
| On a trip with Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, he's got to film a Comedy Central show, right? | |
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On the 8th? | |
| I got to film Goddamn Comedy Jam on the 11th, January 11th. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And Ryan Sickler's been fucking texting me. | ||
| He's like, you got this, man. | ||
| Don't come on this show without a beard. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're fucked. | ||
| You want to hear something crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I can't wait for it. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Burt Kreischer, and everyone's like, which one? | ||
| Well, you've had beards and not beards since I've known you. | ||
| Like, when I first met you, you didn't have a beard. | ||
| I just had stubble. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When did you go full beard? | ||
| Probably when I got fatter. | ||
| But doesn't that make your face look even bigger? | ||
| It does, actually. | ||
| It does. | ||
| If it gets real bushy, you definitely, even if you're fat, it looks better. | ||
| And you trim it, and you're like, oh, it looks like I lost 20 pounds. | ||
| I went full beard when this guy Evan Tanner died. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| That's the saddest part of this whole thing is Tom used to be hot. | ||
| He used to be... | ||
| Look at Push. | ||
| She looks great. | ||
| That's not Push. | ||
| That's a different gal. | ||
| That's a lady who got paid to take the picture. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| She got paid to take that picture. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you're closing in on that though, dude. | ||
| That's probably... | ||
| No, he'll never see that again. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| He'll never see that again. | ||
| That's 20 pounds away. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe 25. How big do you think you were there? | |
| 195, 200. But you know what? | ||
| Honestly, your shoulders are bigger now. | ||
| You've been lifting weights consistently. | ||
| You actually look stronger. | ||
| You look bigger. | ||
| Yeah, that's a young man right there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How old were you there? | ||
| 21 or 22. Wow. | ||
| That's actually how I arrived. | ||
| That's me the same year I came to LA. That's how I came here. | ||
| With dreams in your eyes. | ||
| Oh my god, so many dreams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine if they had said, hey, get fat and you'll get famous? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Get fat as fuck, meet Mike Tyson, and you'll get famous. | ||
| Yeah, but you didn't have to be fat to be famous. | ||
| You know, I remember Kevin James had this manager, terrible manager at one point in time. | ||
| Kevin was trying to lose weight, and this manager was just a fucking idiot. | ||
| He said, Kevin, don't do it. | ||
| When you're losing weight, you're losing roles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like telling him roles in movies and shit. | ||
| I've heard people tell me that. | ||
| Don't lose weight, you won't be funny anymore. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| Oh, that's so dumb. | ||
| That's one of the dumbest things that you can say. | ||
| Well, people have this idea that you can't be fit and be funny. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Yeah, and then I heard someone say, Fat comics aren't funny. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Oh, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Sam Kinison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Funniest of all time. | ||
| Fat as fuck. | ||
| Find a picture when... | ||
| Jamie, see if you can go on my Instagram and see the picture of when I was skinny. | ||
| This is gonna... | ||
| You've ever seen this? | ||
| I have. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| Oh, I look fucking different as shit. | ||
| Yeah, you look real different. | ||
| You didn't have a beard either. | ||
| I haven't had... | ||
| I've had a beard. | ||
| My daughters have never seen me without a beard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| By the way, if I lose, my son is going to be terrified, you know, if I come home. | ||
| Dude, that happened to me. | ||
| When my daughter was really little, I had a full crazy beard because this guy, Evan Tanner, was a former UFC middleweight champion. | ||
| He died and he had this big beard. | ||
| So a bunch of us online, a bunch of fans decided to grow a beard for Evan. | ||
| And I grew a fucking werewolf beard. | ||
| Like a full-on... | ||
| Have you ever seen me with a full beard? | ||
| Evan Tanner was the guy that hiked out into the forest. | ||
| Oh, look at you two. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| You guys look great there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| You had a goatee, Bert. | ||
| That's probably like 06, right? | ||
| It's gotta be 04. 04? | ||
| No, that's not 04. We performed with the porn stars that night. | ||
| Where'd you guys at? | ||
| That's not O4. Me and Nick Thune performed with the porn stars at night. | ||
| You sure that's O4? I'm certain of it. | ||
| See if you can find one with me with my beard. | ||
| I miss it sometimes. | ||
| It was glorious. | ||
| This big, thick, fucking bushy, crazy beard. | ||
| My daughters will lose their shit. | ||
| So what happened was I shaved my beard off, and my daughter didn't see me shaving the beard off, and she started crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoa, you look like me! | ||
| Yeah, I had a full-on beard, son. | ||
| That was when I was living in Colorado. | ||
| I trimmed it down, because if I don't trim it down, it goes all the way up to almost where my nostrils are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you heavier there, too? | |
| Are you thicker? | ||
| No, it's just a look. | ||
| It just looks like I'm thicker. | ||
| Because of the beard. | ||
| Yeah, see right there? | ||
| You can see it? | ||
| God dang. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thinking about bread. | ||
| Thinking about bread? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why that says thinking about bread. | |
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| It's a manly thing, right? | ||
| Having a beard is a fucking manly thing. | ||
| Yeah, then you just get used to it. | ||
| I would put lotion in it to smooth it out. | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have a rash inside my beard, so if I lose my beard, we're going to get to see what Vietnamese children's hands look like. | ||
| Look at that picture. | ||
| That's a ridiculous picture. | ||
| Look at you, you little baby. | ||
| You're a cute little blue-eyed baby. | ||
| When we were walking through the forest in Vietnam, we walked on this village, and these kids had never seen a dude with a beard before. | ||
| Because in Vietnam, they don't grow beards, and they've never been out of the jungle. | ||
| And so we walked in, and I came in with a beard, and they fucking lost their shit. | ||
| I thought I was a werewolf. | ||
| I mean, they're fucking around, yeah. | ||
| They lost their shit and they ran in hot, hid. | ||
| What? | ||
| And I've never had that reaction with kids. | ||
| I'm always really good with kids. | ||
| And so I was like, what's wrong? | ||
| And Titi was our fixer. | ||
| And he's like, your beard scares them. | ||
| They think you're a wolf. | ||
| And I said, oh, let me tell them I'm okay. | ||
| So we brought a guitar over and we sat with these kids and they wouldn't stop looking at my beard. | ||
| So I go into my bag and I had Skittles and M&Ms with me. | ||
| So I pulled out Skittles. | ||
| They'd never had fucking Skittles. | ||
| I give them Skittles and they light up. | ||
| And then one of the kids is like, it says in Vietnamese, can I play in your face? | ||
| So I said, sure. | ||
| So then all the kids started playing in my face. | ||
| One kid had this funky hand, and I was like, this isn't going to go good. | ||
| And he gets in my head, and as soon as he does it, I feel everything get hot on my side. | ||
| I'm like, oh! | ||
| But I couldn't say anything. | ||
| What was on his hand? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It just looked fucking disgusting. | ||
| Like he had never washed his hand. | ||
| And so I've had this thing that I've been putting cortisone on for the last month, trying to get it to go away in case I lose my beard. | ||
| Did you ever go to a dermatologist? | ||
| No, because I have a beard. | ||
| No one saw it, so I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| So it's still in there for a month? | ||
| For a month? | ||
| How long? | ||
| A year and a half. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Bert, go to a doctor! | ||
| But I had a beard. | ||
| It's like, if you get a pimple and a beard, you're like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| You forget about it. | ||
| You've got some crazy Ebola shit growing on your face. | ||
| Oh, we'll see you tomorrow. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Please let it be deadly. | ||
| My wife's been saying to me, she's like, you need to shave your beard and let it air out. | ||
| Because it's just that, you know, you sleep on your cheek and so it gets warm every night and it's like, so... | ||
| Yeah, man, whatever the fuck it is, it's supposed to go away by now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You should go to a doctor. | ||
| I'm not the doctor type. | ||
| What time are we weighing in tomorrow? | ||
| That's one thing we didn't know. | ||
| What time would you want to do it tomorrow? | ||
| 9am. | ||
| 11 o'clock works really good for me. | ||
| Same time? | ||
| But we're getting fucked up tomorrow, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So what kind of booze do you want? | ||
| We'll bring booze. | ||
| And we'll bring pizza. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my dick just got hard. | |
| Tito's and soda. | ||
| What's a Tito? | ||
| Tito's. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a vodka. | ||
| Vodka? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know shit. | ||
| I think they're Austin-based, right? | ||
| They're Austin-based, and the guy's name is Bert, the owner of the company. | ||
| His name's Bertito. | ||
| All right, we'll get some of that, and we'll bring some pizzas. | ||
| So we'll take an order at the end of the day. | ||
| What kind of pizza do you want? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They're Team Bert, so let's do Grey Goose and Soda's instead. | ||
| Oh, we'll do both. | ||
| Tito's is Team Bert. | ||
| We'll do Tito's and Grey Goose. | ||
| You're a Grey Goose guy? | ||
| Grey Goose and Soda? | ||
| I am since they went Team Bert, yep. | ||
| They went Team Bert? | ||
| Like, they contacted you? | ||
| Yeah, they hit me up. | ||
| They're like, love the way we lost Team Bert. | ||
| Yeah, I had a bottle, but I poured that shit down the drain. | ||
| Jack Daniels is Team Rogan if you want to hop on board. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Want to go to Jack and Coke? | ||
| I haven't had that in forever. | ||
| Want to go to that? | ||
| I'll join you on there. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right, Jack and Coke's tomorrow. | ||
| We're going to get loopy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Really fucked up tomorrow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Pizza? | ||
| Do you want pizza or do you want Dan's super subs? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I've been thinking about this for a fucking month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Okay. | ||
| Can we get pizza and hot wings? | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Oh, hot wings. | ||
| The only problem is getting it here at 11 a.m. | ||
| How many pizza places are open at 10? | ||
| They're open, right? | ||
| They're open pretty early? | ||
| Just for slobs that like pizza? | ||
| I haven't had fucking pizza forever. | ||
| For breakfast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Can we get some thin crust pepperoni? | ||
| Whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| We'll take an order. | ||
| We'll take an order and we'll bring it in. | ||
| We should also do a post-binge weigh-in. | ||
| See what we get up to. | ||
| Yeah, we should. | ||
| We should go hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should go hard and figure it out. | ||
| All right, I'll even eat pizza tomorrow. | ||
| So, um... | ||
| That's going to be hard. | ||
| The weird part about this weigh-in shit is it's kind of fucked with my head a little bit. | ||
| Like in that... | ||
| I can understand. | ||
| I'm not saying I understand, but I understand anorexics, the control part of it. | ||
| I get the control part where you go, I'm not eating anything. | ||
| And then you feel you're in control. | ||
| You're eating an apple, and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have had that. | ||
| That's a lot of sugar. | ||
| Maybe I should throw that up. | ||
| I understand that part, because I bet tomorrow that first piece of pizza is going to be very hard for me to eat. | ||
| Because I haven't had anything. | ||
| I've had a lot of anxiety over this. | ||
| Over what? | ||
| The weigh-in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I had dreams last night that Brendan Schaub was running me through fucking training camp. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, yeah. | ||
| Like, I had a hundred dreams about Brendan Schaub last night. | ||
| I dreamt that I put Justin Bieber in the hospital. | ||
| Beat the shit out of him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you beat him with? | ||
| I beat him with my hands, but then I slammed his head against the floor. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What caused the anger? | ||
| He said something about, he's like, nice jacket at a diner. | ||
| And I go, thanks, I like your hair. | ||
| And he's like, what'd you say to me? | ||
| And as soon as he said that, I jumped over the thing and I, like, elbowed him in the face and took him and started slamming his head against the floor. | ||
| And then it just cut to, in my dream, it just cut to me walking out of jail. | ||
| And there was TMZ there. | ||
| And they're like, why did you attack him? | ||
| And I go, it was just a big misunderstanding. | ||
| Like people say after, like, street fights, you know? | ||
| It was just a big misunderstanding, man. | ||
| And then I dreamt I was going in a car and people were following me. | ||
| And they're like, you shouldn't have attacked that guy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I woke up. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What's the biggest thing you've cheated on? | ||
| What's the one splurge where you're like, fuck it? | ||
| I can tell you mine right now. | ||
| He's had nothing but water. | ||
| No, food-wise. | ||
| Food-wise? | ||
| But for drinking, all he had was coffee and water. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Have you really done about that with water? | ||
| Yeah, and then I cut coffee. | ||
| You cut coffee? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
219. I had two cups of coffee today. | |
| You did today? | ||
| Why'd you do that today? | ||
| I had to get on the treadmill. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't have to have the coffee to get on the treadmill. | ||
| This kid does. | ||
| I needed that and song number two by Blur to get the day started. | ||
| How big was the cup of coffee? | ||
| Like, the big ones. | ||
| Two big ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, dude. | |
| You know, that's probably like eight ounces. | ||
| You probably drank a pound of coffee. | ||
| Watch out. | ||
| That might have been the difference. | ||
| Tomorrow I'll just have a fucking... | ||
| I'll just do a little bump of coke. | ||
| It'll be fucking... | ||
| Dude, have you ever worked out on coke? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Yeah, and you fucking kill it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I used to play basketball after smoking weed, like pickup games, in college and when I first got out here. | ||
| Some of the best pickup games I ever played were not too high. | ||
| Well, NBA players are famous. | ||
| They was in the contract, right? | ||
| Yeah, the whole NBA smokes weed. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| If you're dialed in, I imagine it might be like that with jiu-jitsu in a way. | ||
| It is 100% like that with jiu-jitsu. | ||
| If you're dialed in in basketball, you can lose yourself and see plays before, see somebody hitting the hole before it happens. | ||
| You get in a zone and you're just zoned in on it, man. | ||
| Not on coke, though. | ||
| I probably sparred on jujitsu thousands of times. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| Like no bullshit. | ||
| Over the course of 20 years. | ||
| Smoking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Many, many, many, many, many, many, many times. | |
| Smoked and then done jujitsu. | ||
| Many times. | ||
| Because everybody does it. | ||
| It's like one of the things dudes would meet at Tenth Planet. | ||
| We'd meet in the parking lot and get lit up and then go in there and roll. | ||
| But how high? | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| Oh, you get really low. | ||
| So high I forget what I'm talking about. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can't learn anything on high when you're high like that. | ||
| You don't learn shit. | ||
| You just do what you know. | ||
| But you're super creative. | ||
| It's not good if someone's trying to teach you something. | ||
| But what it is good for is if you already know things. | ||
| You already know things and you just get loose and zoned out and then you feel the moves better. | ||
| You feel the attacks better. | ||
| I know you've probably already talked about this, but I haven't heard you talk about it real quick. | ||
| What about the Ronda Rousey thing? | ||
| Crazy fight. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| You could see the panic. | ||
| You could see the anxiety. | ||
| You could see the difference in the skill level striking-wise. | ||
| I just think there was a lot wrong with her camp, a lot wrong with her preparation, a lot wrong with her mindset, and a lot wrong with her skill set. | ||
| In comparison to that woman. | ||
| Amanda Nunes is a fucking monster. | ||
| She's a monster. | ||
| I knew that like a long time ago. | ||
| I thought she was the biggest threat to Ronda before Ronda got knocked out by Holly. | ||
| I was like, I think Amanda Nunes is the biggest threat because every fight starts standing and Holly is a very good striker, but The real danger for Holly, I always thought, was her kicks. | ||
| And that's what she knocked Ronda out with, head kick. | ||
| But, like, kicks are harder to lay. | ||
| Like, a head kick's harder to lay than a punch. | ||
| In exchanges, Ronda would get punched. | ||
| You know, and I'd seen her get punched by Misha, and other people had punched her. | ||
| I'm like, if fucking Amanda Nunes punches her, she's gonna get fucked up. | ||
| And that's exactly what happened. | ||
| But it was way worse, because she was still... | ||
| Physiologically from that Holly Holm fight and then also physiologically. | ||
| When you get head kicked, we were talking about on the podcast yesterday, there's some people that get head kicked and they are never the same again. | ||
| Like never. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Some people get a head injury and they're okay a few months later. | ||
| Some people get a head injury and they're never okay. | ||
| The same person who you were goes away. | ||
| Any head injury can do that. | ||
| I know someone from an accident, nothing to do with fighting. | ||
| Head trauma, never the same. | ||
| Well, you know, that's the Sam Kinison story. | ||
| Sam Kinison was one person and then he got hit by a truck, I think, when he was a little kid and was never the same again. | ||
| And then also he was this reckless fucking wild man. | ||
| He was like this calm, collected kid, normal kid. | ||
| Kind of shy, gets hit by a fucking truck, and then all of a sudden he's this wild man who doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's taking crazy chances and risks. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, I had a serious head injury. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| For pressure. | ||
| I got thrown on my head in college in a fight and knocked unconscious and then was out of it and wandering around the campus. | ||
| Lost. | ||
| Didn't know who I was. | ||
| Didn't know where I was. | ||
| Nobody took care of you? | ||
| Nobody brought you to a doctor? | ||
| No, this girl did. | ||
| This girl did. | ||
| Found me on campus and I was confused. | ||
| I didn't know where I was. | ||
| And then she... | ||
| The fight was in the middle of the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| I was in a... | ||
| In my fraternity, I had written a song about a guy that I had sung before and I guess he had been upset before and told me that. | ||
| I just didn't understand it. | ||
| That's a problem with me is sometimes I cast a big wake and I don't get that I'm upsetting people. | ||
| Everyone's having a good time and they feel like I'm making fun of them, but I'm not. | ||
| I'm just being fun. | ||
| He came up to me in the middle of the day and I saw him and we were really good friends. | ||
| He was big and he was like, stay the fuck away from me. | ||
| I thought he was kidding around and I went up to him and He was like, I'm fucking serious, and he got in my face, and I was like, are you really gonna fucking hit me? | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| And he fucking grabbed me and tried to, and then literally, like, suplexed me and flapped me on my head, and I went out. | ||
| And I woke up, and he was holding my tongue, because I had swallowed my tongue. | ||
| He was holding my tongue out of my mouth. | ||
| And he was crying and he was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. | ||
| And I didn't know what happened and I just walked around, I started walking around campus. | ||
| This girl found me in the middle of like, and then drove me, she drove me to the hospital. | ||
| And I was in the hospital, I was so confused. | ||
| I didn't know anything. | ||
| I didn't know who the president was. | ||
| I kind of started like coming, figuring it out and then, and then my girlfriend and my best friend came out and got me and took me home. | ||
| But like for like a week I'd go, like I remember one time I went to go get the mail with my dog and I forgot where our apartment was. | ||
| And I was like, where the fuck is our apartment? | ||
| Wait, did you see the guy again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And? | ||
| He graduated that year. | ||
| He was older than me. | ||
| He graduated that year and he came back. | ||
| Oddly enough, he came back and he tried to apologize. | ||
| And I was just like, I don't know. | ||
| I'll never see you again. | ||
| You can go fuck yourself. | ||
| I felt so guilty about beating up Justin Bieber in my dream that I downloaded two of his songs after I woke up. | ||
| Wait, which ones? | ||
| Because he's got two really good ones. | ||
| I think it was like the Sorry one and the other big hit from last year or whatever it was. | ||
| The one that Michael Che sang? | ||
| Or not Michael Che. | ||
| The other black guy from SNL. I don't know. | ||
| Fucking Jay Pharoah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That would sound racist. | ||
| I didn't mean it to you guys, but you were both black guys on SNL. I've seen a ton of people get hit in the head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I've probably seen more people get knocked the fuck out than... | ||
| I would say... | ||
| Than 1% of all the living humans that have ever lived. | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah, you have! | ||
| Most likely, yeah. | ||
| It scares me. | ||
| Head injuries scare me more than anything because you don't know. | ||
| The scariest part to me when I watch boxing or MMA, even those recaps afterwards, is when... | ||
| Because you see it obviously different in slow-mo or afterwards, but when you see that that... | ||
| That knockout blow has been landed, and the fighter's so zoned in on what he's doing that he'll get in like two more, you know? | ||
| And it's already like no, like it's over, and then you'll see like another hit, and the lights are already off, and you see the whole head go, and then like a second one is bouncing off the canvas, and you're like, oh my god. | ||
| And then, you know, the ref, even if he's good, jumps in and stops it, but you're like, that's way too much that's happened already. | ||
| It was a bad one this past weekend. | ||
| Mike Pyle fought this guy, Alex Garcia, and he got hit with a right hand and dropped. | ||
| He got knocked out, and then as he went unconscious, his head bounced off the canvas. | ||
| And the head bounces are the scariest ones. | ||
| A guy goes out, and then as he's fallen, his head just ba-bang! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when he got up, he was out for a bit, and then he woke up, he did not know what happened, and they tried to tell him he got knocked out. | ||
| He's like, no way. | ||
| And then he's like, no, fuck! | ||
| But then he kept saying, what happened? | ||
| And they're like, you got knocked out. | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He kept doing it over. | ||
| Yeah, that's a real comment. | ||
| I've seen that many times when people get knocked out. | ||
| Can you believe Bingo's recovery? | ||
| How is she doing now? | ||
| She's doing great. | ||
| She is? | ||
| She's back at the fucking funhouse. | ||
| Is she? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
| They released her. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't an easy path. | ||
| And I haven't talked to Doug about it totally, and I don't want to speak out of school. | ||
| Explain the story. | ||
| Bingo for her... | ||
| I'm not speaking out of school. | ||
| I think this is stuff all Doug has shared. | ||
| But Bingo was having her 40th birthday party, I think. | ||
| And so her sisters came out. | ||
| Her parents were coming out. | ||
| Everyone was coming out. | ||
| She started partying pretty hard. | ||
| I think she did too much coke. | ||
| She had a seizure, which has happened before, but she fell off a step. | ||
| And hit her head. | ||
| And apparently she was bleeding out of every orifice of her face. | ||
| And you know, Doug's, everything's a joke there. | ||
| But then it wasn't. | ||
| And I was in the car with Big Jay and Doug called. | ||
| And I was like, hey guys, it's Doug Stanhope. | ||
| And Jay's like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| And Doug's like, I think Bingo's going to die. | ||
| I'm probably not going to make it to the End of the World podcast. | ||
| And then we were like, whoa. | ||
| And then I took off. | ||
| Yeah, you could tell he was kind of out of sorts at the podcast. | ||
| He was just off. | ||
| He just felt uncomfortable. | ||
| He kept leaving. | ||
| You know, and he just didn't know what to say. | ||
| He was really odded out by the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, he was really worked up. | ||
| And then I would talk to him. | ||
| Every now and then I'll talk to Doug late night when we're both drinking. | ||
| And I think we talked for like an hour, 45 minutes. | ||
| And he was just like, you know, this isn't good. | ||
| This isn't how it's going to go. | ||
| And then all of a sudden one day they're like... | ||
| Hey, she started responding. | ||
| And then they're like, hey, she's talking. | ||
| Hey, she's playing the guitar. | ||
| Hey, she's doing good. | ||
| We're going to have a swallow test, and if we can get the... | ||
| We're going to try to get her a trach, because that was her problem, is her vocal cords were all fucked up. | ||
| And then they got her a trach, and then they're like, hey... | ||
| What's a trach? | ||
| A trach is where they... | ||
| Tracheotomy? | ||
| Tracheotomy, where they put a hole in your throat so that she doesn't have to use her throat to breathe. | ||
| You can just breathe right from your lungs to the air. | ||
| And so then, they were like, you know, it's going to be some rehabilitation. | ||
| It's going to take a while to get her back to, like, where she was the day of her birthday party, but everything seems to be tracking really nicely. | ||
| I mean, so much so, Doug is, Doug, the day, like, a week before Bingo had her accident, Doug called me, like, late night, and he was like, do you have $100,000 you can part with? | ||
| I was like, yeah, why? | ||
| And he goes, I got a line on a cave in Arizona I want to buy. | ||
| We'll get me, you, Norm MacDonald, Joe. | ||
| We'll get us all in. | ||
| We're going to do it, right? | ||
| A cave? | ||
| He hasn't texted you about this? | ||
| Well, I know there's a house that's for sale that's built into a cave. | ||
| Is that the one? | ||
| He wants to buy that house? | ||
| It's a million dollars. | ||
| It's like 10 of us, 100 grand. | ||
| We each put it in, and then we have our own cave. | ||
| I don't want to go to that cave. | ||
| Well, that's why maybe he hasn't texted you. | ||
| The house has been for sale for like a decade. | ||
| I thought he was going to ask for medical bills money. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I thought. | ||
| And then last night, or the night before last, he started talking about the cave again. | ||
| So I go, things must be doing good in the funhouse if Doug wants to go back to buy in the cave. | ||
| And Norm MacDonald's in, Roseanne Barr's in. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are they going to do with this cave? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, but I'm pot committed. | |
| My Leanne's like, we're not buying a fucking cave! | ||
| You're a hundred grand into a cave, and Ari doesn't want to part with a fucking plane ticket to Paris. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Because he thinks you're lying about your height. | ||
| My dad said he was 6'1". | ||
| He's 5'10". | ||
| He's gonna roll back every excuse tomorrow, too. | ||
| It's gonna be rough. | ||
| You could tell him we're 6'4", and he doesn't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't care. | |
| Bullshit. | ||
| Not paying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going to lose my fucking beard, I think. | ||
| Well, he's very frugal. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Except- Remember when he was going to give away money? | ||
| You were hearing on that podcast? | ||
| He's like, I have all the money I need. | ||
| You just want, like, cool things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So if you have an idea, I mean, maybe I'll fund it. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, I have everything I need. | ||
| What ideas would you want to fund? | ||
| Like, how good would the idea have to be before... | ||
| That, like, I'm like, just take this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It would be insanely good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If it's, like, just a creative project... | ||
| People have come up to me with some really good ideas, and I'm like, good luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not fun and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Does it ever excite you? | ||
| I mean, I guess... | ||
| No? | ||
| I don't want to think. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| People go, it won't be a big deal. | ||
| You just give me money. | ||
| I'm going to handle it. | ||
| No, I'm going to think about it. | ||
| So it's going to cost me money. | ||
| I would rather have less money and not think about you doing that than to make money from you doing that because then I have to think. | ||
| As soon as you start relying, you complicate your life when you get involved in too many endeavors. | ||
| I'm already involved in too much shit as it is. | ||
| But when I say that to people, they go, you're not even going to happen. | ||
| I'm like, stop. | ||
| Do you still get a lot of pitches? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I was with you for a pitch. | ||
| I won't get into it. | ||
| I remember a guy met us. | ||
| It was arranged. | ||
| We were in New York or something. | ||
| He was at the restaurant. | ||
| He was like, I've built this city. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The mountain. | ||
| In the mountains, yeah. | ||
| And I was there like... | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm trying to smell what you're selling right now. | ||
| Community in the mountains? | ||
| Yeah, and then he was like, people like you, he goes, we'd like to just have you up there on the house, of course. | ||
| We'll take care of you. | ||
| Your whole family can go and enjoy it. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, so that later he buys it. | ||
| You're giving him a week free, and then you're like, now do you want to buy it? | ||
| And he's trying to sell, like, no, no, no. | ||
| I just want you to enjoy it. | ||
| So he can buy it. | ||
| You're going to let them stay there. | ||
| Or you use me to try to rope other people into buying there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it was fine. | ||
| I mean, you know, that's his pitch. | ||
| Constructed community. | ||
| That's his pitch. | ||
| But communities get constructed naturally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never heard... | ||
| I mean, I guess you might be able to do... | ||
| It was a forced upscale community. | ||
| Do you remember when you wanted to make a compound up in Santa Barbara? | ||
| I still do. | ||
| How about yesterday? | ||
| Looking at land yesterday. | ||
| Santa Barbara? | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| I love Santa Barbara. | ||
| Trying to get off the grid, son. | ||
| Leanne and I are looking at property in Colorado. | ||
| Yeah, where? | ||
| Because right now we're at a place where our payments are... | ||
| Leanne set it up so that we could be poor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They pay off your house. | |
| You're living above your means. | ||
| Stop with the mortgage. | ||
| We've been talking about Colorado. | ||
| You want to buy a house together? | ||
| Where in Colorado? | ||
| Personally, I would like to stay no more than 45 to an hour outside of Denver. | ||
| I got you. | ||
| Evergreen. | ||
| But up above the elevation, like 7,500 feet. | ||
| You've been looking at that too? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Evergreen's the spot. | ||
| I got a buddy who lives up there. | ||
| I got a buddy who lives there. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| You gotta put bear nails upside down so the bears don't come in your fucking house. | ||
| You do have to do that sometimes. | ||
| And they have certain kinds of doorknobs. | ||
| You know those doorknobs that are like pull-down doorknobs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They don't recommend those. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Bears figure those fuckers out. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they figure out how to get in your fucking house. | ||
| Dude, let's get a house together. | ||
| You want to do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys are going gay for each other. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Oh, this is my dream. | ||
| Two bears with bears? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're just like, Tommy Burt, arg, arg, arg, arg. | |
| Have you really been looking at that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We talked about it yesterday. | ||
| Because you can get it fairly cheap up there, especially if you go halfsies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| It's hard to do halfsies on a mortgage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now you have a second house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now you're going way over your head. | |
| We start a corporation. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| Evergreen is fucking beautiful. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| I think my favorite city to go like to visit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Denver? | |
| I love Denver. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My sound guy lives up there. | ||
| Those people got it made, man. | ||
| I mean, they're staring at the Rocky Mountains every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking awesome. | |
| Weed's legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real estate prices are through the roof. | ||
| Everyone's cool there. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| Oh, we're getting so high tomorrow. | ||
| Yeah, tomorrow. | ||
| So, how are you guys going to deal with the rest of the day? | ||
| Do you just go out of here and just start running? | ||
| Like, what are you going to do? | ||
| Get on the treadmill. | ||
| I've got to go do a podcast. | ||
| I've got to do mine. | ||
| I've got to do one with Joey. | ||
| Now, is there any concern about the rest of the day? | ||
| Like, you know, this is like, it's a race that you're ahead, but you're only ahead by 32 ounces. | ||
| Oh, I've got to be real careful today. | ||
| Look, Tom is Derek Jeter on Mickey Mantle. | ||
| You keep saying this Mickey Mantle thing. | ||
| Yeah, because Mickey Mantle was a fucking savage. | ||
| He fucking partied his whole fucking life. | ||
| Never showed up to a game fucking half sober. | ||
| Who do you remember more, Tom? | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| Mickey Mantle or Derek Jeter? | ||
| To steal from Daniel Tosh, just like Trainwreck stole from Daniel Tosh. | ||
| Trainwreck stole from Daniel? | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| The movie? | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| Fuck yeah, they did. | ||
| They directly stole one of his lines. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he had a bit about Babe Ruth. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| He goes, there should be an asterisk next to his name because he never had to play against black guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They're talking about Babe Ruth never took steroids. | ||
| He also never played against black guys. | ||
| And Daniel Tosh had a great bit. | ||
| They stole it ver-fucking-bate him in that movie. | ||
| Did he tell you this? | ||
| He did it on his show. | ||
| He talked about it on his show. | ||
| And there's one of the compilations of plagiarism accusations against Schumer. | ||
| How's that in there? | ||
| There's a lot, by the way. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| There's a new video that's out. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| It gets hairy. | ||
| Where you gotta go, huh. | ||
| All righty. | ||
| Anyway, Mickey Mantle didn't play against black guys. | ||
| Or did he? | ||
| Maybe he did. | ||
| Yeah, Mickey Mantle played against black guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| Jackie Robinson. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| It was well before him. | ||
| So you're saying that you're just the gunslinger here. | ||
| No, but what you're going to do, I can already predict tomorrow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Tommy's going to come in at 217. 215? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's going to be about 215. No. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| Tom has hit his threshold weight. | ||
| He's still eating chicken. | ||
| I'm not eating anything. | ||
| Although I probably drank seven pounds of water. | ||
| But you've got to understand that you'll hold on to more water. | ||
| Have either one of you guys fucked with distilled water? | ||
| That's all I've been drinking. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Shut up, you liar! | ||
| You can't drink too much of that because it'll deplete your body of minerals and electrolytes. | ||
| Look, all I know is that I can probably run 20 miles between now and then. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| The problem is... | ||
| Boy, when are you going to do it? | ||
| Like, when are you going to actually do it? | ||
| Because you're going to literally have to do it before the weigh-in. | ||
| You're not going to be able to drink anything. | ||
| Think about like 32 ounces. | ||
| This is what, 8 ounces? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 16? | ||
| Is it 16? | ||
| These are 16? | ||
| These are 32s right here. | ||
| This is 16.9, yeah. | ||
| Two of these. | ||
| Two of these, he's ahead of you. | ||
| Just two of these. | ||
| So you can't fuck around. | ||
| I don't use math in this. | ||
| I use heart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Long-strand DNA. Long-strand DNA. What is long-strand DNA? It's from some movie that I saw. | |
| So you think if you just do the run, then you'll do it? | ||
| I'm not going to eat anything either. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| You gotta feel like shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| I'm different than you guys. | ||
| I've got that long strand DNA. You're different? | ||
| How are you different than me? | ||
| I focus on it. | ||
| I focus. | ||
| Like, I get hyper aware and I go, I have a goal. | ||
| Like, today, when I woke up, I wanted a glass of water so bad it was sick for him. | ||
| Those guys are hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it's my mentality. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| It's my mentality. | ||
| You know how many fucking dummies I've met that tell me they could fight in the UFC? I know I could beat anybody. | ||
| It's because of my mentality. | ||
| I refuse to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the next one. | |
| That's the next one, Tommy. | ||
| I used to love head kicking those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me and you fight someone in the MMA. And we see who wins. | |
| Me versus Ari. | ||
| Me versus you versus Ari. | ||
| Ari will cheat. | ||
| He'll eye gouge you. | ||
| We fight CM Punk. | ||
| Kick you in the balls. | ||
| CM Punk would beat the fuck out of both of you guys. | ||
| At the same time. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He might have got his ass kicked by Mickey Gall, but Mickey Gall is a real fighter. | ||
| Let's be clear here. | ||
| Burt said that. | ||
| You can leave me out of this. | ||
| You don't think CM Punk would beat your ass? | ||
| Dude, I don't know enough. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| I don't fucking know anything about CM Punk. | ||
| I never knew him when he was a famous asser. | ||
| We should fight, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, let's fight. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't want to fight you. | ||
| Let's see who can gain the most weight next. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This has got to be like the new you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you make this happen, though? | ||
| What are you thinking after this is over? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you going to binge? | |
| What do you think about three, six months? | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| What if we weighed in April 1st and July 1st? | ||
| So three months and then six months. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| This is the right way to do it, and you and I talked about this. | ||
| The right way to do this is you have a weigh-in every 12 weeks or every month for 12 months, every four weeks. | ||
| And at the end of the year you tally up a score like a race to 12 like see who wins each month So the only way to really do it would be like you would have to actually lose body weight You couldn't just dehydrate yourself every month and go under because if one of you keeps going like say if you guys had to do it like if I was in on the challenge and you guys have to do it against me I'm 19 pounds lighter than the heaviest or than the lightest guy right now so I would already have an advantage and So if I just started losing more and more weight, | ||
| you would have to lose body weight in order to be in the race. | ||
| You can't just lose 19 pounds of body weight every month like that. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| So if you started today, and then every month you guys had a weigh-in challenge, the number would drop every month. | ||
| Like, it's 219 now, next month it'd probably be like 207, next month it would be like 210, you know, 201, and then you would keep going and going and going until you guys were skinny as fuck. | ||
| You guys would be like bodybuilders by the end of the year. | ||
| I don't think I... I mean, I'm not saying... | ||
| I'm sure I'd probably love being 186. Really? | ||
| I mean, I wasn't about to say that. | ||
| I was gonna say I'm sure I'd love it. | ||
| But personally, I think 215 is a really great weight for me. | ||
| I know it's still overweight. | ||
| But you don't want to be overweight, right? | ||
| I don't want to be overweight, but I also don't want to look... | ||
| I don't want to look like... | ||
| This? | ||
| I'd love to be fucking yoked, but I don't know if I have the fucking... | ||
| CrossFit. | ||
| I've been doing CrossFit. | ||
| I see it, yeah. | ||
| And I had to stop because I was afraid I was building up too much mass. | ||
| Because you're putting on too much weight? | ||
| I was like, this is a weight loss challenge. | ||
| Any weight that comes in a muscle, I don't want. | ||
| I'm just gonna run my fucking ass off. | ||
| Actually, I thought the same thing. | ||
| Like I said, I've always, you know, done weightlifting. | ||
| Like, I've been at my heaviest. | ||
| And, like, six, eight weeks ago, I was like, oh, I fucking... | ||
| I haven't touched... | ||
| It feels weird. | ||
| I actually feel somewhat, like, different that I haven't touched weights. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it makes a big difference. | ||
| And the only way to keep the weight off while you're doing that, you'd have to do like lightweight, low reps, but you're still... | ||
| Lightweight, high reps, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm sorry. | ||
| Lightweight, high reps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I thought about that, and I know some people are going to tell me like, that's what you should have done. | ||
| You would have lost more, but... | ||
| I kind of just picked it. | ||
| Fuck anyone with any insights on weight loss that's a pedestrian. | ||
| Like, I hate when they go, listen man, if you're not eating a lot of calories, your body's gonna backfire, start storing fat. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Tell that to the kids in Ethiopia. | ||
| If you don't eat, you fucking lose fucking weight. | ||
| That's how that fucking works. | ||
| If you burn more calories than you take in, your body has a certain reaction, and that's how that fucking works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| He's gone a scientific route, though. | ||
| He's put his body into a state of ketosis. | ||
| Like, he's cut out all the sugar and the carbs, and now his body's burning fat. | ||
| I think I might have done that, too, except for the vodka sodas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll stop you from really getting into ketosis, though. | ||
| The alcohol will. | ||
| Do you have one of those sticks? | ||
| You can piss on a stick and it'll tell you? | ||
| Yeah, the piss sticks, yeah. | ||
| This stuff, this is Kegenix. | ||
| Oh, that's what we talked about. | ||
| This is exogenous ketones. | ||
| You take the stuff, it puts you into... | ||
| You could drink a fucking Dr. Pepper, and then you take this stuff, and it'll put you into a state where your body's burning fat, not carbohydrates. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You're telling me if I put that in a vodka soda, it would just immediately burn that sugar? | ||
| I'm telling you, if you take a vodka soda and then take this afterwards, I wouldn't mix the two of them together. | ||
| I don't think that's smart. | ||
| But drink this afterwards. | ||
| You're back on track? | ||
| Oh, you do, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You can get right back on track. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Tell that company to hit me up. | ||
| No, they're not going to. | ||
| We're here for actual healthy people. | ||
| This is where it's crazy. | ||
| You're on the door to looking great. | ||
| You're right there and you're already ready to fucking go run back into the woods. | ||
| You're like at the door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes you are. | |
| Yes you are. | ||
| But your mindset is like, this is temporary. | ||
| No, it's not temporary. | ||
| But you guys have totally different mindsets. | ||
| Your mindset is, starve yourself, go at it like a fucking savage. | ||
| I mean, look, you had gloves. | ||
| You came in here with gloves so your hands could sweat. | ||
| Look, you wore gloves here. | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then Tom is- I did two miles yesterday, man. | |
| That's it. | ||
| You did two miles? | ||
| Two miles? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| I did two miles in the Coliseum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's a totally different mindset. | ||
| Yours is like extreme, short-term, but unsustainable. | ||
| Everything he's doing is totally sustainable. | ||
| I'm curious to see what it would be like if my body had 2,000 calories a day. | ||
| But you can do that. | ||
| But when you get down to a certain weight, you don't want that because then your body's going to start eating its muscle. | ||
| That's what happens when your body gets to a certain stage. | ||
| That's what you have to understand about losing weight. | ||
| If your body doesn't have the amount of protein that it needs, you start consuming your own muscle. | ||
| I've been eating proteins and greens. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| No carbs, no breads, no pastas. | ||
| Beans is the only carb I've had. | ||
| I've only had that twice in a month. | ||
| You can up that a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, but when you think about, like, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm only gonna take in 2,000 calories a day, I'm gonna do this, you will lose weight, but you also lose strength, you feel exhausted, your body starts eating itself. | ||
| I had that dinner last night, that big dinner last night, and when I got on the treadmill, I felt fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Like, I got on there and literally was, like, ten miles, or seven miles, not a problem. | ||
| Yeah, because you had a full rush of energy, sugar, everything from that, yeah. | ||
| But that might have fucked you. | ||
| You might have been two pounds lighter if you didn't do that. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Do it tonight. | ||
| I'm a man of impulse. | ||
| Yeah, I noticed that. | ||
| That was my bet, though. | ||
| I was betting on that. | ||
| Yeah, that's the bet. | ||
| The bet was he was saying that you were just going to wait until the last minute and go crazy. | ||
| That's exactly what you did. | ||
| I crammed. | ||
| And I said that, by the way, a month ago. | ||
| I knew that you were going to do this. | ||
| But if your discipline wasn't on point, he still would have got you because you got down to two of these fucking things. | ||
| Two little bottles of water, which is pretty amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you have to win tomorrow. | ||
| If to win, you have to be two and a half pounds or more less than me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you might be able to lose even more. | ||
| Like if you go fucking crazy today and you go Bert Kreischer. | ||
| So the thing is, you guys have narrowed it down. | ||
| This victory is down to 24 hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, or less now. | ||
| But if you go fucking crazy and go full Bert all day today... | ||
| He's almost like he can't catch you. | ||
| He doesn't. | ||
| He doesn't have that gene. | ||
| Oh, but what is that gene? | ||
| That long-strand DNA. A Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| This nonsense gene. | ||
| This is just discipline. | ||
| I think it's the thing, like, I've thought about this a lot. | ||
| The thing that makes this contest interesting is also the reason we like each other. | ||
| Because he is very even-keeled, and I am fucking all over the map. | ||
| Yeah, I'm kind of a combination of the both of you guys, which is bizarre. | ||
| You have the same brain I have about the way you shoot bows and arrows. | ||
| And you're like, that's right, I'll just do that for three hours until I maybe need shoulder surgery. | ||
| Or the way you shoot pool. | ||
| You get obsessed with things. | ||
| You're like, that's why I can't fuck with drawing anymore, because I get obsessed with it. | ||
| I get like that. | ||
| Tom's so even-keeled. | ||
| The perfect example of our relationship is that first day we were in Hawaii, and I shaved your tits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it is the funniest, Joe, it is the funniest fucking thing I've ever been a part of in my life. | ||
| And he goes to Hawaii and he's like, and he's out there. | ||
| I go, oh man, you know, Tom's hair. | ||
| I go, hey, why don't I shave your back for you? | ||
| And he's like, you think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so I start saying, I start. | ||
| Put the volume on this. | ||
| This is just... | ||
| Oh, don't put the volume, you can hear music on it. | ||
| Good friends, Charlie and Laurel, stand by and support. | ||
| And you're shaving Tom's back. | ||
| I'm shaving his back. | ||
| And then at some point in this, and you can just skip ahead. | ||
| At some point in this, I realize that Tom's tit hair connects with his underarm hair. | ||
| And I go, hey buddy, why don't you... | ||
| Here's a pause right there. | ||
| I realize, I go, hey man, let me hollow that out for you. | ||
| I go, you know, what I'll do is I'll trim out... | ||
| Contour it. | ||
| Contour it. | ||
| And make it so your tit has defined hair and your underarm has defined hair, but they're not connected like a werewolf. | ||
| And then I'll caesar out your breasts. | ||
| Like, I'll do a caesar. | ||
| I'll comb it down and I'll line it up so it looks like you're defined. | ||
| And he sold it, like, real serious. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And by the way, you gotta... | |
| Tom's earnest face staring at me as I do this, and I'm close to it, and I'm looking at him, and I'm trimming it. | ||
| And then as I pull back, I still see Tom's earnest face going, does it look good? | ||
| And all I see, it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses. | ||
| And I realize this is our first of like seven days in Hawaii, and he's got to look like this the whole fucking time. | ||
| I've never seen him laugh this hard. | ||
| I thought I was having a stroke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks good. | |
| Do you know what's interesting? | ||
| Bert, you have less body hair back then. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| You've gained body hair as you got older. | ||
| That's even weirder. | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| Oh, eight. | ||
| How have you gained so much body hair in eight years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, look at how serious Tom is. | |
| Look at how serious Tom is. | ||
| It looks terrible. | ||
| It does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see. | |
| It's why people shave their cocks, because it makes their cock look bigger. | ||
| You shaved my titty, so I don't know if I have bigger titties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make a difference. | |
| Look, now I gotta walk right away. | ||
| So what you did is you shaved under it, but you left the hair above it? | ||
| So it's like you have breastplates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like breastplates! | |
| I've never laughed that hard. | ||
| That whole trip is probably... | ||
| That's when me, Tom, and Push, and Leanne became friends. | ||
| Well, that's when I knew we could be friends is because then our wives became good friends. | ||
| Buddies. | ||
| That is hilarious, what you did there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That one looks normal. | ||
| So, Tom, what year did you come to LA? Oh, two. | ||
| So, in six years, you put on all that weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I also... | ||
| That's how I graduated high school. | ||
| And went into college like that weight. | ||
| And then I lost all that weight. | ||
| How'd you do that? | ||
| Diet and exercise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then what made you abandon it? | ||
| It was slow. | ||
| It was a slow crawl. | ||
| Like I got here. | ||
| I remember when I was working the night shift at a post-production place. | ||
| It was like all of a sudden, I mean it wasn't all of a sudden, but like you know. | ||
| Late night food. | ||
| Late night food, really weird hours, like staying up till 4 or 5 a.m. | ||
| doing the graveyard shift, and then going to bed and all of a sudden you're like, I'm 225? | ||
| Oh shit, I thought I was 205. You know what I mean? | ||
| You put on 20 pounds over the course of like a couple shows in production, and then you're not even thinking about it. | ||
| And then at that point, 225 rolls into 230 real easy, you know? | ||
| It's a slow thing, but it took... | ||
| I would say... | ||
| I got here in 2002. By 2005, I was 225. Now, you don't seem to be looking at it the same way he's looking at it. | ||
| He's looking at it like, this is like a race, you hit the finish line, and then you gorge, and then the fucking party's over. | ||
| You seem to be, like, adjusting your life. | ||
| Well, I think, I mean, I definitely want to have a new, like, ceiling of what is, you know, an acceptable weight. | ||
| And I definitely feel like this is a very... | ||
| Livable way what I've been doing like for the last few months. | ||
| I mean this last week is a little crazier obviously, but the last month has been, it hasn't been that difficult. | ||
| How much weight have you been losing a month? | ||
| Have you been noticing? | ||
| Yeah, I mean this has been about 10 pounds to 12 pounds A month. | ||
| That's a lot, but it's doable. | ||
| It's doable, and I'm not killing myself suffering to do it. | ||
| I'm just on top of the eating, and I've been doing cardio about six days a week. | ||
| Now, if you get to a certain point, what do you do? | ||
| Are you going to eat more? | ||
| What's the weight where you go, okay, I don't want to lose any more weight? | ||
| I think it's less about the number, even though we get so obsessed with the numbers, than the way you feel about it. | ||
| Right, especially if you start lifting weights again, and you put on a little bit of weight, but your body fat's lower. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm trying not to be obsessed with the number, but I know I would want to lose, if we were talking about the number, Like 15 to 20 more pounds, which I think is... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I'd like to lose six pounds. | ||
| Six more. | ||
| I'd like to get to 215 and then maintain and eat healthy and eat clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I also, you know, I mean, I can't lie about this and say, this is a lifestyle like the people on The Biggest Loser. | ||
| Legit, I love fucking hot wings. | ||
| I love hot wings. | ||
| I love buffalo wild wings. | ||
| And I love the feeling of like... | ||
| Remember I told you a long time ago that my weight loss program was to stop eating appetizers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| But like appetizers, I love when someone's like, make it rain appetizers. | ||
| I love that feeling. | ||
| And I miss Blimpies sandwiches. | ||
| I miss pizza. | ||
| My girls have been eating pizza and I've been eating cauliflower pizza, which I like, but... | ||
| What's cauliflower pizza? | ||
| Oh, it's good. | ||
| You take 12 ounces of cauliflower, you steam it in the microwave for like four minutes, you dry it out, you put one egg in there, a third cup of mozzarella, like a fourth cup of Parmesan, and you put it into a, that's your crust, and then you put it in the oven. | ||
| Every slice is very low calories because it's cauliflower. | ||
| All you're really eating is like a portion of an egg and some mozzarella. | ||
| It's really fucking good. | ||
| I'll make something if you want and bring it in tomorrow and we can try it. | ||
| Yeah, I'll try that. | ||
| I think after a while though, I mean, I don't miss that many things, you know, food-wise. | ||
| The really hard thing for people is a shift in the way you live. | ||
| The shift. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shift what you think about it. | ||
| I have a waffle date tomorrow with my wife. | ||
| You guys are having waffles? | ||
| Where are you going to go? | ||
| I found a place that... | ||
| In the morning? | ||
| First thing in the morning? | ||
| Yeah, right before the weigh-in. | ||
| So wait, you really didn't eat those cookies at all? | ||
| Not even. | ||
| I didn't even open the box. | ||
| He sent me cookies. | ||
| Discipline. | ||
| I sent him cookies. | ||
| Discipline wins races. | ||
| Impulse doesn't win races. | ||
| Impulse does. | ||
| Impulse wins races. | ||
| But it didn't win today. | ||
| I know, but it definitely shocked the crowd. | ||
| Impulses get results, but they don't get the best results. | ||
| The best results are gone through discipline. | ||
| My managers got pissed about this whole weight loss thing. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I'm in the middle of a scripted deal, and I wasn't sending in scripts. | ||
| I was just fucking around with Tom. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| They called Leanne. | ||
| They're like, hey, he needs to... | ||
| They call your wife? | ||
| Tell him to back the fuck off of that. | ||
| They're like, hey, Bert seems to be obsessed about this weight loss thing. | ||
| We've got a TV show we're trying to make. | ||
| And Leanne's like, oh, you don't understand Burt. | ||
| Like, he will never work on this TV show if you don't respect the fact that this is what he's focused on. | ||
| So what I was doing was I was setting up accounts. | ||
| It didn't work out right, but I was setting up accounts at different food places so that fans could send Tom food. | ||
| And I was like, I wasted a whole day, and then I sent him these cookies that were amazing. | ||
| I sent them to my daughters. | ||
| They loved them. | ||
| I sent them from The Rock to Tom, and Tom didn't even eat them. | ||
| He just gave them to the fucking people working on his brand new $3 million house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| But they're good cookies. | ||
| I want to try them when I get done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see, you're already thinking about wings and cookies and pizza and this and gorging and drinking. | |
| But I'm also thinking about... | ||
| Longstrand DNA. Mickey Mantle Gene. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could fight anybody. | |
| I got that mentality, bro. | ||
| I just can't lose. | ||
| I'm different. | ||
| Everybody wants to think they're different. | ||
| But everybody does. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Including the people that you think you're different from. | ||
| They think they're different. | ||
| Everybody thinks they're different. | ||
| That's what gets people knocked the fuck out. | ||
| That's hashtag fear the return. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| For real, that's like Ronda Rousey's idea was that she's different than everybody. | ||
| Everybody, I'm the best in the world. | ||
| The people love to have that. | ||
| And sometimes you win and you really do feel like you are that. | ||
| But the reality is you are a skeleton and some fucking cells and you're run by a central nervous system and your brain has a whole bunch of defense mechanisms that are designed to protect you from reality. | ||
| And one of those is that it decides I'm different than these motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, of course. | |
| I'm different. | ||
| Don't you fucking agree with him just because you're sitting there? | ||
| But you know it's true. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know that's how you think. | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| I knew that he was like, I'm gonna run 28 miles. | ||
| How many people do you know, especially beautiful girls, how many beautiful girls just think they're fucking special because they're super? | ||
| We were talking about that today, about the horror and the danger of daddies that especially That kind of, you know, push the princess ideal on their girls and that make them think that they're so special and then that girl kind of seeks that out, you know, and believes that and then The type of guy that does go for that usually, romantically, is basically a paternal figure to that girl. | ||
| If he's going to still see her as a princess. | ||
| Princesses are weird. | ||
| That is a weird thing that everybody wants to be a princess. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| You start to see that it's fucked up. | ||
| I remember being in high school and seeing girls who were like, I'm the most special. | ||
| And you go like... | ||
| Yeah, you better respect that I'm the most special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you don't, someone will. | ||
| And I'm going to find that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that'll be like a second daddy to you. | ||
| I am more important than anything in your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Period. | ||
| You have to carve out time for me. | ||
| You've had that speech, huh? | ||
| Oh, yeah, the carve-out time-for-me speech. | ||
| I ran into a chick one time that I think you'd had relations with. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Let's not even discuss it, then. | ||
| Off the air. | ||
| I've had too many bad situations in my life where someone thinks they're special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets to... | ||
| At a certain point in time, you have to... | ||
| Blame yourself for getting involved with those people, though. | ||
| Let's work this backwards. | ||
| I think Cameron Haynes, the ability that he can run those ultramarathons, that's special. | ||
| Yeah, but if you meet that guy, let me tell you something. | ||
| He would be the last person to call himself special. | ||
| He's all disciplined. | ||
| We could agree that him, a guy like him, or like Conor McGregor. | ||
| Let me give you a Cameron Haynes speech. | ||
| Cameron Haynes was about 180 plus, okay? | ||
| Like lifting weights, all that jazz. | ||
| And he wanted to run the 200 miles. | ||
| So what he did was, he got down to 165 And the way he did it was burning 3,000 calories, eating 2,000 calories. | ||
| So he never stopped working out. | ||
| He was running like a fucking maniac and he let his body eat itself. | ||
| So he just shrunk. | ||
| I watched it happen. | ||
| He looks different. | ||
| Like, he looks very, very skinny, but still yoked a little. | ||
| Well, he's getting more, and he's a little thicker now, put on a little bit more weight. | ||
| But when he was running the 205 miles, when he ran that Bigfoot 78 fucking hours, ran 205 miles. | ||
| I couldn't do that. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's a discipline thing. | ||
| That's the difference between that long strand DNA. Stop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Mickey Mantle over here! | |
| The people that think they're special and a guy like him, he doesn't think he's special at all. | ||
| He thinks the only thing about him that separates him from everybody else is that he works harder. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But how does one do a hundred mile? | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
| Doesn't your body break the fuck down? | ||
| He's talked about it, how he started off doing 10Ks, and then you feel like, well, maybe I should do a marathon. | ||
| And then you start doing a marathon, and then you do a marathon, and then, well, I want to win a marathon. | ||
| And then he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking animal, dude. | ||
| You know that I did a 10K on accident? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did you do it? | |
| Dude, I went to Cincinnati for... | ||
| The visual of you with all your bags off the plane and everyone's running and you start running with them and you drop your bag and go, where are we going? | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| Why am I doing this? | ||
| I went to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving. | ||
| Not this year. | ||
| It was a couple years back. | ||
| And I got there and most of my cousins and stuff are pretty fit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're like, hey, we're doing the 10k tomorrow and then we'll regroup and then we'll come over here and then we'll go over to this aunt's house. | ||
| And I was like, oh yeah, do you want to do it? | ||
| And I didn't have the, like, just admit that I didn't know what a 10k was. | ||
| So I just said, yeah. | ||
| I didn't realize what I was doing, and I was like, yeah, I'll do that. | ||
| And then I showed up with 0.0 training, like nothing. | ||
| And I just go, and I was like, how far is this? | ||
| And they're like, it's about 3.1 miles. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, because I'm 250 pounds at the time? | ||
| And I was like, this is going to be bad, right? | ||
| And I just... | ||
| The thing is, like, the crowd helps, you know, because there's so many people. | ||
| But there's stretches where there's nobody. | ||
| Yeah, there's stretches where there's nobody. | ||
| And the thing, like, I finished it, and... | ||
| I was like, wow, you know, I thought, I felt like I ran two marathons, you know, like it was so much further than I had run since fucking middle school. | ||
| It's like six miles. | ||
| I think it was... | ||
| It's six miles. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay, oh, a 5K is 3-1, a 10K is 6. Yeah, so I did fucking six miles. | ||
| And... | ||
| And then it was that the next couple days were pains I've never, like in the hips, you know, like hip pains. | ||
| And we tried to go to a movie, like as a family group, and I couldn't sit. | ||
| I was like, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Because the pain was just like, I couldn't move, man. | ||
| You gotta build up to stuff. | ||
| Me and Fultron were in... | ||
| It was a shock 10K. Me and Fultron were in Omaha, and... | ||
| I get, I go on, I'm trying to be healthy and I go on radio and I said, I'm looking for a 5k. | ||
| If anyone's got a 5k, hit me up. | ||
| I'm going to run it this weekend. | ||
| And so this guy reaches out to me and he's like, hey, I got a brewery 5k. | ||
| I was like, right up my alley. | ||
| So I hit up Fultron Friday night and it goes, tomorrow morning we're running a brewery 5k. | ||
| And Fultron's like, what, we run from brewery to brewery? | ||
| I go, yeah, you run brewery to brewery. | ||
| It's like a bar crawl, but you kill beers the whole time. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Have like five beers, run a 5K, go home, take a nap, do two shows. | ||
| This will be great. | ||
| My favorite part is that he goes, perfect. | ||
| That sounds ideal to anybody. | ||
| So horrible. | ||
| So Fultron... | ||
| So Fultron and I get there, and everyone's at the brewery, and everyone's drinking, and we're like, fuck it. | ||
| Let's start killing beers now. | ||
| It's like 10 in the morning, races at noon. | ||
| So we start killing beers. | ||
| We have like five beers, and then we're like, all right, everyone line up. | ||
| And we line up, and we notice that everyone's dressed in hardcore sports gear, and we're not. | ||
| And we're like, goddammit, man, they're really taking this serious. | ||
| And we're like, what's the first bar we stop at? | ||
| And they're like, no bar. | ||
| It's a fucking 5K. And so Fultron and I did a 5K drunk beer. | ||
| At like a noon. | ||
| And by the way, we beat half of the fucking field. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| So the brewery was just... | ||
| That's where it started, at the brewery, and it ended at the brewery. | ||
| It was a big circle to the brewery. | ||
| Did everybody else drink too? | ||
| No one drank except for us. | ||
| Everyone's like, man, you're really putting them back. | ||
| We're like, well, I want to be a part of the team. | ||
| Well, you were probably fueled up. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of calories in beer, and there's also carbohydrates, you know, all the wheat and barley and all that jazz. | ||
| The very beginning when they shoot the gun. | ||
| Perfect fuel for a race. | ||
| But don't people do that? | ||
| You're a runner. | ||
| Don't people, after running, don't they like to drink beer for recovery? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I absolutely don't think so. | |
| They used to do it. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| Drinking beer for recovery post-workout. | ||
| They used to do it in the Tour de France. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In the Tour de France, they would stop and drink big, heavy beers. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine there's a lot of calories in that. | ||
| A lot of calories, I think it thins your blood. | ||
| Would make you crash a little bit though, like drain you. | ||
| I definitely don't feel like working out when I'm drunk. | ||
| No. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| Wait, tell us about coke working out. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Yeah, it's really amazing. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| The health benefits. | ||
| Here are a few reasons to justify a pint or two after your run. | ||
| The health benefits of beer. | ||
| Make that a little larger, please, so I can get that. | ||
| Although most runners agree that beer is not exactly a health food, there's good news for those of us who like to imbibe. | ||
| Downing a few cold ones as you're heading out the door for a run is obviously not the best choice, but beer in moderation can be a perfectly acceptable option for after a run or on non-training days. | ||
| Hmm, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, one of my favorite things doing is on the road, especially when I was working on Travel Channel, is going right back to the hotel after dinner and after drinking and getting into the gym and working out. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drunk? | |
| I loved getting on the treadmill with a glass. | ||
| I've talked to you about this. | ||
| I would like to know what drunk feels like to you. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| Very different than what it feels like to everyone else. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, and I had a conversation, oddly enough, with a 10-year-old yesterday about being hungover. | ||
| So I guess he's... | ||
| Let me tell you how it's done. | ||
| He was like, don't you feel sick? | ||
| That's the other problem I have is I don't really feel sick after I drink. | ||
| I don't get hungover. | ||
| You're a good drunk, by the way. | ||
| That's the other problem is no one can ever tell I'm drunk. | ||
| I remember one time when we were in Hawaii, actually, I remember specifically that he had been drinking for like 15 hours. | ||
| It was like so many beers and and and then liquor and then beers and he's in our room and I was like dude like how are you not you're okay? | ||
| He's like I'm fucking hammered. | ||
| I was like but you look fine. | ||
| He's like oh definitely not not even close to fine right now, but If him if he didn't tell me that I would not know as my wife always says I can't I cannot tell when you've been drinking Because it's every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's the other thing. | ||
| I think there's a lot of, you know, the pomp of what I am. | ||
| I think people think I'm one thing. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| How often do you drink booze? | ||
| How many days a week? | ||
| Not right now. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| But you say vodka sodas. | ||
| Yeah, but people, even if I go on stage, I went on stage one time in Philly, I didn't feel well, and I just brought a soda water on stage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And everyone's like, kill it! | ||
| And I was like, there's nothing in it. | ||
| And then they're like, oh, really? | ||
| And you're like, yeah. | ||
| They're like, oh, we thought you were hammered. | ||
| And you're like, no, I'm just a regular person. | ||
| I don't like going on stage drunk, personally. | ||
| I don't like being drunk on stage. | ||
| I like stand-up comedy. | ||
| That's what I got into. | ||
| But it's also part of my personality is, everything is a joke. | ||
| I want people to be entertained. | ||
| Like, this whole weight loss thing is supposed to be fun. | ||
| I want people to get a kick out of it. | ||
| I... I could definitely have stopped drinking and been a bore and just been like, I think I could definitely take him. | ||
| But I like the fun of just going, fuck it, I'm going balls to the wall. | ||
| I'm sure it's fun, but how many days a week do you think you drink? | ||
| Definitely three. | ||
| That just it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but I'm saying definitely three. | ||
| So you drink less than you don't drink. | ||
| No, I probably drink more than I don't drink. | ||
| So that's not three. | ||
| Yeah, this stuff feels like an intervention. | ||
| No, just curious. | ||
| Burt, I remember when we were the closest of friends. | ||
| I remember the times that... | ||
| He's reading like a poem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| You were a good father, and I loved seeing you playing with your children. | ||
| Let's take a look at this week. | ||
| I drank New Year's Eve, but I wanted to. | ||
| I only had two drinks, and I spent the night in a hotel. | ||
| I didn't want to drive home, because I thought the roads would be crazy. | ||
| So I drank New Year's Eve, didn't drink yesterday at the Rams game, didn't drink today. | ||
| I'll drink tomorrow. | ||
| And then I get on a plane to New Jersey on the Stress Factory, I'll drink there. | ||
| So maybe I'll drink five of the seven nights, or four of the seven nights, five of... | ||
| But that's an unusual day because you're cutting back in order to lose weight. | ||
| Yeah, but if I'm home with the girls, there's no reason for me to drink. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, if I'm home, I like a good night's sleep. | ||
| I like waking up and being active. | ||
| I like going ice skating with them. | ||
| I want to do a podcast. | ||
| You know, a lot of times people come on my podcast and be like, I want to do a shot with a machine. | ||
| And you're like, I never not let them have that, so of course. | ||
| And I count that as a drinking day. | ||
| But I'll have one shot. | ||
| But that wouldn't affect me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And I'm different. | ||
| It's like, how often do you smoke pot? | ||
| You like to think that, though. | ||
| No, I'm different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That different thing. | |
| I'm different than everybody. | ||
| Doesn't everyone think they're fucking different? | ||
| I definitely don't. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's one of the keys. | ||
| By the way, I hate to be the one to tell you this. | ||
| You're the most different human being that any of us fucking know. | ||
| And there you go. | ||
| And I'm not even different. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| Are you going to sit here and let Joe tell... | ||
| How many podcasts do you do a week? | ||
| How much jujitsu? | ||
| How much working out? | ||
| How much stand-up? | ||
| Your productivity rate is off the charts. | ||
| You're amazing, dude. | ||
| Everyone says, how does Rogan do it? | ||
| And I just go, he's different. | ||
| You are different than me. | ||
| I do it to keep from going crazy. | ||
| But it's my mental problem is that if I don't have things to do, I'm not happy. | ||
| I just figured out a long time ago, for me to be happy, I have to be exhausted and busy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| I have to be burnt out from working out. | ||
| Like, not burnt out, but I have to even myself out. | ||
| And I have to have puzzles. | ||
| I have to have things to solve. | ||
| That's a good thing. | ||
| I think being busy makes definitely me feel better. | ||
| Yeah, you feel like you're getting... | ||
| The worst feeling is, I'm feeling like a lazy bitch just not doing shit. | ||
| But your level, honestly, though, and he's right, it does seem off the charts. | ||
| Like, to do, like... | ||
| Three, three hour podcasts. | ||
| Do jujitsu. | ||
| Do your bow hunting. | ||
| Do fucking pool. | ||
| Be with your family. | ||
| Be at the store every night. | ||
| Be having new material at the store. | ||
| I don't think I've seen you repeat anything at the store in the fucking past month I've been there. | ||
| It's off the charts. | ||
| Well, that's just because I just did a special. | ||
| You know, once I released a special... | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I'm still doing the same shit. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta chip away at new stuff or people get mad at you. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm still doing the new stuff. | ||
| I'm working on new stuff. | ||
| I see you with brand new stuff every fucking time. | ||
| I don't write like that. | ||
| Discipline. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I write the other way too. | ||
| I feel like you have to write like that. | ||
| I think a lot of people, I mean, I don't tell people what to do because a lot of people don't like to write this way, but I feel like this sitting out in front of a fucking computer with nothing but writing on my mind, it enhances my ability to write on stage and it gives me tools that I can use to ad-lib and do it the other way as well. | ||
| I think that's true. | ||
| There's a thing that people say, oh, I write on stage. | ||
| Well, I do too. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| A lot of people write on stage, but I think you should write in front of a fucking notebook too. | ||
| I have a hard time with that. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| No, but I mean, it doesn't inspire me creatively. | ||
| Of course you don't. | ||
| Because you've got to do it. | ||
| It's like a discipline. | ||
| No, I've done it. | ||
| I've definitely done it. | ||
| For me, I'm being dead serious. | ||
| If I take a walk, my brain will start working. | ||
| That's fine too, as long as you dedicate specific time to writing. | ||
| I mean, if it's just like a walking thing and then you talk into a microphone, that to me is, you know, you can call it writing. | ||
| Like if I'm sitting in front of a computer, I'm writing, you know, in air quotes. | ||
| But if you're walking and you talk to your phone, you have an idea and you record it, that's writing too. | ||
| It's just creativity. | ||
| Yeah, I do that. | ||
| But you have to, my thinking is, the more time you spend forcing yourself, like right now is the desperate times. | ||
| Because my special was just released, and I'm doing, you know, I did New Year's, and I'm doing these big shows, and I'm doing an hour. | ||
| And I gotta have new fucking shit. | ||
| And some of it is, unlike cult legs, some of my new material is like... | ||
| Some of it's alive. | ||
| Some of it's killing. | ||
| Some of it's new stuff that's doing really well. | ||
| And other stuff is like, every time I do it, it's like, is it going to work tonight? | ||
| Am I going to find a new way to do it? | ||
| And then sometimes, out of nowhere, I'm just taking a chance and I'm going the wrong way. | ||
| I take a chance and I start talking. | ||
| I'll do the punchline first. | ||
| Or I'll do this part, the strongest part of it, leading into the weakest part of it. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| I just take this crazy chance to try. | ||
| And while I'm doing it, I'm like, fuck. | ||
| How are you going to dig yourself out of this hole? | ||
| But that's what gets you through it. | ||
| Well, the only way that gets you through it is a lot of sets. | ||
| You just got to keep hammering sets. | ||
| And then every mistake you make from that, you apply to the next set. | ||
| And then six months down the line, you have a real hour that you can put in a special. | ||
| No, wait. | ||
| Let's talk about that then real quickly. | ||
| Because I agree with you. | ||
| I think you got to be on stage and be doing it. | ||
| That's why I love weekends at clubs. | ||
| Because you get six sets in. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| And you're like, I got it. | ||
| I've said that to my manager recently. | ||
| I'm like, what I want to do, they want to book me, because I can sell out these big-ass places now. | ||
| I'm like, I want to do clubs. | ||
| I want to do more clubs. | ||
| Especially right now, I want to do four shows on a weekend. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| That's the way to do it, man. | ||
| Those four shows in a 200-seat room. | ||
| That's where it's at. | ||
| But let's talk timeline with both of you guys, because I think you've done, what, three hours now? | ||
| I've recorded four, so I'm working on my fifth. | ||
| But do you think six months is too quick to turn around an hour? | ||
| For production, yes. | ||
| No, no, I meant meaning for you writing-wise, because like right now I have a new hour, but I go, I don't know, I feel like I want it to breathe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want it to, you know, I want to give it another eight months and see how good it is. | |
| That's what I would do. | ||
| Let it grow. | ||
| Because I don't know about- What are you guys doing Wednesday? | ||
| You guys around on Wednesday? | ||
| I fly to New Jersey. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Wanna do the Ice House? | ||
| If you're around? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 10? | ||
| Wednesday. | ||
| You, me, and Ron White. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| Oh shit, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I'll see you guys at Stress Factory. | ||
| Stress Factory's awesome. | ||
| I'm in Kansas City this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| When do you leave? | ||
| Thursday. | ||
| Are you doing helium? | ||
| No. | ||
| Kansas City? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's in St. Louis. | ||
| I thought they have a Helium in Kansas City. | ||
| No, I'm doing the Improv. | ||
| Oh, Improv Kansas City. | ||
| I'm doing the Wilbur January 21st, so if you'd like to come see me in a theater, which is very seldom. | ||
| I'm not a big theater guy because I don't think my act translates. | ||
| Oh, it's a way to sell tickets, Bert. | ||
| Well, the Wilbur's the best theater ever. | ||
| That's what everyone says. | ||
| It's super shallow. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's just three stacks. | ||
| It's like having three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The Wilbur in Boston is fucking amazing. | ||
| Well, go get tickets, guys. | ||
| January 21st. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| That's a good spot. | ||
| Alright, let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| So tomorrow, 11 o'clock in the morning, we're going to find out, is it going to be the water champ, or is it going to be the machine? | ||
| The machinist. | ||
| The machinist. | ||
| So, tune in tomorrow. | ||
| Hashtag whoisfatweek. | ||
| Do we shave the beard right away? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Start it off. | ||
| And then we party. | ||
| Well, I'm going to bring in... | ||
| Oh, if I'm fucking beardless. | ||
| I actually purchased an electric shaver. | ||
| So I'm bringing in a brand new electric shaver. | ||
| We'll pop it out so nobody has to worry about AIDS. Like trimmers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put the clipper thing on. | ||
| I ordered a barber's cape. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Hey, do you have a sponsorship for Dollar Shave Club tomorrow? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| Well, Dollar Shave Club is my sponsor. | ||
| It sponsors the podcast, but we'll give them a free one tomorrow. | ||
| I've always wanted to use their razors. | ||
| I've had them on my podcast. | ||
| Oh, you're going to. | ||
| They're fucking great. | ||
| You're fucking going to. | ||
| Do you like what I've already submitted? | ||
| They've got this stuff called Dr. Carver's Easy Shave Butter. | ||
| Have you ever used that? | ||
| I've been shaving in 12 years. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You haven't. | ||
| What about your balls? | ||
| No? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I got so fat, it was a lot of guesswork, so I stopped. | ||
| And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow, 11 a.m. | ||
| Pacific, we will see you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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