Nov. 9, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:26:33
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Day one of legal marijuana, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Does it feel any different? | ||
| Does it feel less naughty? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| I'm just worried that they're going to clog up the dispensaries. | ||
| The people will? | ||
| Yeah, because now you have to use to wait in the waiting room sometimes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now that it's going to be legal, I don't know how their, like, one-in-one-out thing, it's going to be a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Are they allowed to just open up now, the general public? | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| I was just looking right before we started. | ||
| I think they have until 2018 to start issuing licenses. | ||
| 2018? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The current dispensaries can only sell to their current patients. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They can't sell to people walking off the street. | ||
| They're going to have to change some rules. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But 2018, before they start giving out licenses? | ||
| They have until that long. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| They can push it until that long. | ||
| Oh, if they wanted to hold back and dig their heels in. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So we have, at the very most, a year... | ||
| Before it just becomes like Colorado, which is Colorado's goddamn wild west. | ||
| That's how long it took when it happened in Colorado, too. | ||
| It took them about a year before they figured everything out. | ||
| Have you been down and gone down to the areas of Colorado where they're selling pot now? | ||
| Yeah, I went with you. | ||
| Right, but did you, we didn't go down to any of the stores. | ||
| Yeah, I went to a couple stores on my own without you, I guess, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't. | ||
| I've driven by them, but I haven't gone in and checked them out. | ||
| But that's what's going to happen here. | ||
| It's going to be crazy. | ||
| And it's going to be better for everybody. | ||
| It's going to be better for the economy. | ||
| It's going to be better for people. | ||
| My wife doesn't smoke weed at all and voted yes. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
|
unidentified
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You done? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She voted for yes to Prop 64. That might have been my favorite moment of the whole night last night. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty awesome. | ||
| And by the way, I give 100% credit to Jamie. | ||
| That was like you gave me an ace in the hole. | ||
| I was sitting off the side. | ||
| I didn't even have a mic at the time, I don't think. | ||
| And Jamie just goes, "Breaking news," and hands me his phone. | ||
| I wasn't even reading it off the phone, but I grabbed the mic and I go, "Guys, I have breaking news. | ||
| Prop 64 has been passed in California. | ||
| The place went nuts. | ||
| Joe lights a joint. | ||
| I rip my shirt off, start slapping the stage. | ||
| Bill Burr took a hit. | ||
| Bill Burr gets high. | ||
| Bill Burr gets high." Goddamn. | ||
| And he had passed that joint. | ||
| It had passed him a couple times. | ||
| He was like, I'm good. | ||
| I don't smoke pot. | ||
| I'm a whiskey guy. | ||
| And then he was like, fuck it. | ||
| Took a legit hit. | ||
| Yeah, he was stoned, too. | ||
| That was strong weed. | ||
| That's that LA Speedweed shit. | ||
| I don't know what strain he's got, but good Jesus, Lord, have mercy. | ||
| What a night. | ||
| Such a beautiful night. | ||
| That was probably the most fun I've ever had on a podcast. | ||
| I've said that before because we've had some fun ones together. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But that one might have topped it off. | ||
| I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. | ||
| Like, Burr had me laughing harder than... | ||
| I mean, it's just as hard as you can laugh. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Everything was fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Burr had me... | ||
| You had me with that line... | ||
| Did you guys see that picture of Trump looking at his wife voting? | ||
| And you were like... | ||
| I said, that's the look I give my dog when he gets too close to my cat. | ||
| Hey, motherfucker. | ||
| Leave her alone. | ||
| That whole show was so quick. | ||
| It was literally like they were doing Double Dutch with comedy. | ||
| And you had to know when to jump in and when to hop out. | ||
| And I said this to you this afternoon. | ||
| That first hour and 33 minutes was not that much talking over each other. | ||
| Well, something happened that I wasn't aware of, but people started just showing up that weren't invited and sat down. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| We're just sort of sorting that out now. | ||
| Like, there's microphones that were there, and, you know, there's people that we had asked to come that were kind of waiting to get on, and then other people just sort of walked in and got on. | ||
| I don't think it was clear to them. | ||
| I don't know how it was set up. | ||
| I don't know, but it's chaotic when you have more than two people. | ||
| Just two people is hard sometimes to manage conversations. | ||
| But then you get three and four, and then you're playing in front of a live audience, and then people are just coming in and jumping in. | ||
| So there was a couple of issues, I guess. | ||
| I wasn't paying too much attention. | ||
| We were too drunk. | ||
| We were gone. | ||
| You bailed out when you went and did a set. | ||
| Well, when I went and did a set, that's apparently when Burr and Sarah Tiana went at it. | ||
| I missed all the goodness. | ||
| Ow! | ||
| All I'll tell you is that I've been doing comedy 17 years. | ||
| I am well aware that Bill Burr's practice of comedy is to assemble brilliantly laid arguments that you wouldn't normally agree with. | ||
| To go head to head with him in a debate about porn would not be something I think would be wise of anyone. | ||
| Her position was, this is when I was leaving, her position was that people watch too much porn. | ||
| That men like porn too much. | ||
| Yeah, and it was about the condoms and porn moving to a different place. | ||
| And then it turned into the crossover states are just racists. | ||
| And just broad-stroking, kind of. | ||
| What Bill was doing, I think, I don't know, I was pretty fucked up at this time. | ||
| But he was disassembling what is this elitist liberal movement, which is, if you don't agree with me, you're a racist, rape apologist, sexist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Bill just was saying, that's not it. | ||
| Some people want change. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is a real sweeping brush that people from both sides like to use, right? | ||
| The people on the right like to use it on the liberals. | ||
| The liberals like to use it on conservatives. | ||
| We like to paint people real obvious. | ||
| Put them in a box. | ||
| Make sure we can categorize them. | ||
| I think I might have accidentally started a little bit of it because I said, look, all you have to realize is there's just a disenfranchised part of America that feels like they're not being represented. | ||
| And then immediately, I think Sarah jumped on me and she was like, oh, you're talking about the racists? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| And by the way, I voted for fucking Hillary. | ||
| So I'm just saying what I'm noticing out of an election... | ||
| But I thought it was good of her to stand her ground and to say her point and not try to backpedal, and I appreciate that. | ||
| Well, you know, the problem is, the problem with that saying that anybody that voted for Trump is a racist, the real problem with that is because the only other alternative was Hillary, and Hillary was very flawed. | ||
| That's just the way it is, you know? | ||
| It's not an anti-woman thing to think that someone who has all the ties to corruption that she apparently does. | ||
| I mean, you can go into it all day long if you want to. | ||
| If you want to, like, look at the Clinton Foundation or any of the other crazy shit that those people are involved with, it's kind of legal, you know? | ||
| I mean, it's not really breaking any laws. | ||
| It's like, you can get away with doing all that stuff. | ||
| But all of it is like, oh, like, deleted emails and all that. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| Yeah, and I think there was a large portion of America who just didn't want to share their opinion because they didn't want to be called a name. | ||
| There's real concerns, too, and people don't want to say this. | ||
| There's real concerns about her health. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She hurt her head in 2012 because she blacked out. | ||
| She blacked out, fell, fainted, and hit her head really bad, like really bad. | ||
| And apparently she was fucked up for like six months. | ||
| And this was 2012. That's only four years ago, man. | ||
| And that's a really significant head trauma. | ||
| And she was very eloquent in the debates. | ||
| She's really articulate. | ||
| I thought she kicked his ass in the debates. | ||
| I honestly did. | ||
| I thought she came off smoother, especially that second one. | ||
| He would say some crazy shit and she would smile. | ||
| I thought she handled it great. | ||
| And she was so much more eloquent and so much better economy of words. | ||
| The problem is, it's just, it's so hard to trust that she's telling you the truth. | ||
| You know, there's just too many things that she's been, like the difference between that Comey guy, what he said she had done with her email, and what she said she had done, and you play them back and forth. | ||
| You ever seen the video where they do that? | ||
| It's pretty shocking. | ||
| You know, what he says is very different than her descriptions of what he says. | ||
| You know, what he says is like, she violated some laws. | ||
| And what most people thought in the, apparently in the FBI, it's one of the things that people got upset at Comey, apparently, from this article I read at least. | ||
| They were saying that the people in the FBI were very disappointed because they thought that he should have pressed charges. | ||
| They thought that when they looked at all the evidence and all the stuff that he talked about, that he admitted that she had done that you can't do with classified data, she had violated all these laws. | ||
| Like, if you were a regular person, if you were a regular enlisted person, and you violated those same amount of laws, dude, you'd be fucked. | ||
| You would be fucked, Phil. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They'll put you in a goddamn cage, 100%. | ||
| Like, this sounds silly, but she just, like, they said, hey, we'd like to see your emails, and then she just got rid of them all? | ||
| She deleted them all. | ||
| She deleted 30,000 emails. | ||
| And she did it after a subpoena. | ||
| At least some of them after a subpoena. | ||
| I didn't know it was after a subpoena. | ||
| Find out how many emails she deleted after the subpoena. | ||
| I don't know you know the absolute specifics of it, but it's just it's my point is it wasn't like she was this awesome alternative You know so people that wanted change And they felt like what Hillary represented is a part of that big system as well as she says her words and is Stately she is and she's a much better representative of America in some ways than he is yeah, | ||
| but she's just too tied to corruption and All the stuff that she's done, all the experience she has in government, all that should be in her favor. | ||
| But for a lot of people, it wasn't this time. | ||
| For a lot of people, they're like, this government is just too intertwined with these businesses that support it and pay it money, and they're going to all these different foreign countries and getting paid exorbitant sums of money to talk. | ||
| It's like Bill Clinton was getting like half a million dollars to fly to these countries that have all these serious civil rights violations on their people. | ||
| Yeah, there was something that Clinton had done where he kept trying to push this one through. | ||
| See if you could find that. | ||
| There was this one... | ||
| Dictatorship that he wanted to go into he wanted to go and do speeches and they were like no You can't go there like that. | ||
| We're not supposed to visit that place these people are doing Things we don't look we don't agree with and he's like yeah Yeah, I got to go over there and I'm gonna do a speech. | ||
| So let's just try to get like he just wanted to do that speech He just wanted that cheddar That's, I think it's, what's interesting to me now is the population, on Twitter at least, of people, my friends, that voted for Hillary that are now just saying, fuck the rest of the country, fuck, I'm out, this sucks. | ||
| It's like, like... | ||
| Did you see that the Canadian website, the immigration website broke? | ||
| It crashed. | ||
| It broke. | ||
| All the Americans were like, fuck this, I'm moving to Canada. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has anyone ever done that, though? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Fuck yeah, especially Vancouver. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's pretty warm. | ||
| It's like Seattle. | ||
| It's basically just like Seattle. | ||
| It's better than Seattle. | ||
| But I mean, like, weather-wise, it's pretty similar. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably identical, but there's something different about Vancouver that Seattle doesn't have. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Like, almost like this... | ||
| Um, like, colonial, like, richness. | ||
| This European richness. | ||
| Like, do you know that bridge driving into Vancouver with the big lions? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, oh, this just looks like Lord of the Rings-y. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, it looks like it could be in Germany. | ||
| And everything's a little more lush or a little more overgrown. | ||
|
unidentified
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Mm-hmm. | |
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
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Seattle... | |
| I like Seattle. | ||
| I love Seattle. | ||
| But the downtowns look similar. | ||
| But even still, like the downtowns in Vancouver, the food always seems just a little bit better than Seattle. | ||
| Did you ever do... | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| That's a tough call. | ||
| They're both pretty fucking awesome. | ||
| You can't have shitty food in the Pacific Northwest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like Oregon, like Portland. | ||
| Portland's another place. | ||
| They have some fucking banging food in Portland. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, dude. | |
| Do you ever go to that... | ||
| Do you ever do... | ||
| Go to that little taco truck circle they have. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Dude, they have a Thai cheeseburger. | ||
| It's a cheeseburger with that, like, satay sauce, that peanut butter sauce. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| And it's super spicy. | ||
| It's got sriracha in it, too. | ||
| Oh, I fucking love that. | ||
| Goddamn, it's good. | ||
| Bill Clinton sought State Department okay for paid speeches related to North Korea and the Congo. | ||
| Congo? | ||
| He's an animal! | ||
| They're cutting kids' hands off in the Congo. | ||
| I respect his game. | ||
| I respect his game. | ||
| He's like, there's a lot of paper for me over there. | ||
| I got to go get it. | ||
| I guarantee you when she got elected, he was like, fuck, I guess she'll be around the house a lot more. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It says, the FBI about the deleted emails between March 25th and March 31st, three weeks after the subpoena. | ||
| The campaign now says it only learned when the emails were deleted from the FBI report. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hmm? | |
| Wow. | ||
| How many emails? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| 30,490 work-related emails on December 5th, 2014 and chose not to keep 31,830 emails she deemed personal. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| By the way, do you know how difficult that would be? | ||
| I have 33 unopened emails, 33,000 unopened emails on my thing, and sometimes I try, it's just like spam, and I try to clean it out, and it's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Yeah, it's not easy to clean it out. | ||
| Yeah, you like select all, delete, but then you still, it only takes like 800. Yeah. | ||
| That would take fucking forever. | ||
| It would take forever. | ||
| What were you saying last night about... | ||
| Were you saying, like, if they... | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| If they went through our emails, what animals we'd look like? | ||
| I don't remember what I said, dude. | ||
| We were blasted. | ||
| We were talking about they went through all our emails. | ||
|
unidentified
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I... Damn it. | |
| Because they went through, the FBI went through a bunch of emails, deleted emails, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I thought you said it last night. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I was thinking, I used to do this test on my emails to find out, like, if someone went into my emails, how bad I'd look. | ||
| I used to do it with Segura, right? | ||
| You just go into the search and then type in keywords, like type in the N-word and see if it's ever been typed in my emails. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, no. | |
| Type in the word faggot and see if they, like, I've done that. | ||
| Also, the problem is we, especially as comedians, we fuck with each other in emails. | ||
| We talk mad shit to each other. | ||
| I mean, it's one of the funniest shows in Hollywood is that roast battle, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, comedians enjoy, like, I enjoy it when someone lights me up. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Like, Burr last night said I had a Little Rascals hat on. | ||
| Hey, you're over there with a fucking little rascal's hat on. | ||
| We like shitting on each other. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We like saying that we fucked each other's moms. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's funny. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| That roast battle is fucking brutal sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's brutal. | |
| It's brutal. | ||
| But, like, we all say shit to each other all the time. | ||
| Like, Ari and I do that all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
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He'll say something like, yeah, well, I was fucking your mom all day, dude. | |
| I got tired. | ||
| Just out of nowhere. | ||
| Like, whoa, my mom? | ||
| What was she like? | ||
| Salty. | ||
| Whoa, dude. | ||
| I just was texting back and forth with Ari the other day. | ||
| Ari's a savage. | ||
| He just filmed his special in Austin. | ||
| Said he was super happy. | ||
| Speaking of specials, Burt Kreischer! | ||
| Oh, yes! | ||
| This fucking Friday night! | ||
| The Machine! | ||
| September or November? | ||
| No, November. | ||
| We're going back in time, motherfuckers! | ||
| November 11th on Showtime at 10 p.m. | ||
| The Machine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That looks fun, dude. | ||
| Where'd you film? | ||
| At the Irvine Improv. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I went back with you, Ari, Joey, Tom. | ||
| I texted everyone because everyone's been doing specials and I've been doing Travel Channel for seven years. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I was like, hey, what insights? | ||
| And the consensus everyone had was like, I don't do theaters. | ||
| What the fuck am I doing in a theater? | ||
| So I'm going to do it in a club. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| And the other thing, I was like, I've been doing stand-up shirtless for seven years. | ||
| I'm fucking doing it shirtless. | ||
| Which was before the... | ||
| Why do you like that? | ||
| Why do you like just throwing that shirt off? | ||
| It just makes you free. | ||
| I'm a Tampa guy. | ||
| I'm a Florida kid. | ||
| Last night I was in jeans and flip-flops. | ||
| You were. | ||
| You were wearing flip-flops. | ||
| You're like, he's got flip-flops on. | ||
| Yeah, I did it shirtless. | ||
| And then Tom and I got in that fat-shaming battle. | ||
| Dude, people got so mad. | ||
| People got so mad about that. | ||
| I saw people being mean to Tom, being mean to you. | ||
| I'm like, wow, folks, you don't see that they're fucking around here? | ||
| Oh, the worst was when it was poignant. | ||
| My wife's friend passed away, and I left a comment on her picture of her and her mom. | ||
| It was like four in the morning when I saw it. | ||
| I was like, hey... | ||
| So sorry for your loss, we'll see you today. | ||
| And then, I guess someone saw me post on there, one of Tom's fans, and they wrote, sorry for your loss, did Burt sit on your mom? | ||
| And I was... | ||
| Immediately, Tom finds that fucking hilarious. | ||
| But this lady's like, hey... | ||
| And then it was just like, yeah, Burt's fat as fuck. | ||
| They just fill it up. | ||
| And she was like, dad, your fans are dicks. | ||
| I was like, those aren't my fans, I don't think. | ||
| So we did the fashioning battle, and then Tom... | ||
| I show Tom the thing from my special, and he's like, oh god, you did this shirtless? | ||
| This is gonna get bad, Bert! | ||
| And him and Christina just did a big preamble on the beginning of their podcast about me shirtless. | ||
| Yeah, you did it last night. | ||
| Somewhere early. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| As soon as it comes off, I feel free. | ||
| I know, I can tell. | ||
| I'm like, wow, that's interesting. | ||
| Because it's almost like a psychological button that you have. | ||
| You take that shirt off and you're like, yes! | ||
| Freedom! | ||
| It's like, it makes you tingle. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's my long hair. | ||
| My Thor, Samson's long hair. | ||
| I did it in a meeting one time because I was like, I get... | ||
| I get meetings, and I'll get like pit sweaty, you know? | ||
| And then you can see it in the shirt, and nothing looks worse than that. | ||
| So you just took your shirt off. | ||
| Just walked in, took my fucking shirt off. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Sold a sitcom. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, why not, man? | ||
| Why is that such a big deal? | ||
| Why is it? | ||
| The whole thing, the thing that I'm stuck with in stand-up is like, especially doing my next hour, is like, we get caught up into these, and I was talking to Justin Enbrook about this, we get caught up in these mechanisms of this is what we have to do. | ||
| There was a period where every comic had to have a sweatshirt, New Balance sneakers, a hoodie, you know, and everyone did the same thing, and then you see someone like Judah Freelander doing something totally different, and you're like, oh, fuck, that really separates itself from the pack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you, I... My only problem is like, and I've talked to, I've thought about this, and I've talked to you about it, is I don't have to do stand-up every time with my fucking shirt off. | ||
| Like, I don't need to have my shirt off to do stand-up. | ||
| I like to have it off. | ||
| When was the last time you did a set with it on? | ||
| Anytime I'm at the store. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hmm. | |
| How come? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel like it's disrespectful in a weird way. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Because it's not your show? | ||
| You mean because it's like 15-minute sets? | ||
| Yeah, it's a 15-minute set in the OR. And I have done it, by the way. | ||
| I have done it. | ||
| But for the most part, I don't. | ||
| Because I'm like, you know, I'm only doing 15 minutes. | ||
| I'm really there to work on material to see if it works. | ||
| That would be like Chris Rock going up and doing his inflections. | ||
| Like, I need to see if this works. | ||
| And that OR man's a fucking beast. | ||
| Like, there's no other better place in the world to find it if something works. | ||
| Yeah, it's a gym. | ||
| It's also, like, people have seen a lot of goddamn comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's a lot of... | ||
| I mean, it's beautiful. | ||
| It's the best spot ever. | ||
| I mean, that room has got more history in it than any room in the country. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| For some reason, it just doesn't... | ||
| Whatever the mojo in there is, you take a bit that would kill on the road and you bring it in there and they find its flaws. | ||
| They find the lazy writing, they find the overcompensation with inflection or energy. | ||
| I took two bits in there and I worked them out. | ||
| It was probably a month ago. | ||
| Worked them out three nights, then took them on the road, and they just were so much better. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| And the stories, too. | ||
| The other thing about the OR is it doesn't necessarily lend itself great to storytelling. | ||
| It's more of like a punch and jab, fuck with the audience, dancing type of thing. | ||
| But I went up there and did 15 minutes and told two stories. | ||
| And now they're working great. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely a good workout room. | ||
| Yeah, I like the belly room too. | ||
|
unidentified
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The belly room might be almost better sometimes. | |
| It's so intimate, so small. | ||
| What is it, like 80 people? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Dude, they have those, I think they've got a new material show there tonight. | ||
| Have you ever done that with Nick Yusuf? | ||
| I did that with you. | ||
| That joke about Helen Keller and Anne Frank came out. | ||
| Was that the new material night or was that the stand-up on the spot night? | ||
| Stand-up on the spot, that's Jeremiah Watkins' show where the audience will yell out topics. | ||
| You literally have no idea. | ||
| That was stand-up on the spot. | ||
| Yeah, it was that one. | ||
| But the other one is Nick Youssef's show, which is a new material. | ||
| It's like, only stuff that you're working on, like, you know, police yourself. | ||
| Whether it's, you know, you've done it like ten times, you know, it's not new anymore. | ||
| Like, whatever that number is, where it becomes not new. | ||
| But when it is new, like, this is like an opportunity to work only on stuff that's brand new. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My problem is I write on stage. | ||
| I like to just be on the fly and riffing, because I think the adrenaline of the stage makes me think quicker. | ||
| And then a lot of times what I'll do is I'll write on stage, and I will go for the easier punchline, meaning the premise will be good, and sometimes I won't have the perfect punchline, but I go, oh, that could be so much fucking better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that stand-up on the spot show is perfect for you because you can just get loose. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| That's a fun show, dude. | ||
| It's a great way to come up with a material. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of different ways to come up with material. | ||
| You gotta do them all if you can. | ||
| Pay attention to shit. | ||
| I haven't purged my act in forever. | ||
| Because I literally didn't shoot a special for seven years because I was just working. | ||
| So I didn't have enough time. | ||
| And man, getting this hour out and putting it out and releasing it and knowing... | ||
| I mean, I'm a little married to the machine story. | ||
| But knowing that... | ||
| It's amazing what a blessing and a curse that is to be like. | ||
| When I met you, if you had said to me that first time, you said, hey man, we're going to hang out and this is going to change your life. | ||
| You're going to tell one story and you'll be known as that. | ||
| It's going to be cool. | ||
| You're going to sell a book from it. | ||
| You're going to get TV shows and you're going to do hour specials from it. | ||
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| I would've been like, fuck yeah! | ||
| And then you have it, and you're like, and there was a date the other night, and I'm like, 53 minutes into my set, and someone's like, you're telling the story, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, fuck. | |
| Wow. | ||
| And I've had people in the front row going, don't worry, man, you don't have to do it tonight. | ||
| Oh my god, it's a blind fuck. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have to do it tonight. | |
| It's always women. | ||
| Always women are like, hey man, I had a great time even if you don't tell the story. | ||
| And I'll be like, okay. | ||
| And then immediately it's a dude who brought five of his friends. | ||
| He's like, dude, I told him you're telling the machine story. | ||
| You're telling the machine story. | ||
| And I don't ever want to let anyone down. | ||
| Dude, that is the coolest thing in the world that anyone knows me for anything. | ||
| And it's a great fucking story. | ||
| It's a great story. | ||
| I literally sometimes don't believe it myself. | ||
| Like, I go, there's no way. | ||
| But I've had people come to my shows from my class, stand up on stage with me. | ||
| 100% true! | ||
| I wish I was there. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Sounds very dicey. | ||
| That's a great fucking story though, dude. | ||
| I remember when you were telling, I was like, what? | ||
| It was one of those, what? | ||
| Dude, you've lived a very bizarre life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you don't have to fucking tell me. | |
| It's very weird, because you're such a nice guy, too. | ||
| You're such a nice guy who's also a wild man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got a weird combination of traits. | ||
| You know, you've had these wild fucking crazy experiences, but you're a super friendly, easy to hang out with guy. | ||
| You'd think that a guy's seen as much shit as you've seen. | ||
| All the different places you've been, you'd be a little worn out by it. | ||
| I think when I got done Burt the Conqueror doing that season, I was like, I need a break. | ||
| I was like, I need to do stand-up. | ||
| Because it just tears on you. | ||
| We had a conversation about it once. | ||
| Yeah, me and Bill Burr one night talked about it. | ||
| That's right, yeah. | ||
| You said something very fascinating to me that night. | ||
| You're like, how much money is enough money? | ||
| Comparatively speaking. | ||
| Is spending the whole year away to double your money, does it matter? | ||
| Or can you get by on this and really do what you love and be filled with all the friends and the work that you love? | ||
| My problem is I know how funny you are. | ||
| And I know that there's no way... | ||
| You could be at your best if you're off like months and months at a time doing that show. | ||
| I thought I was. | ||
| When you said that to me, I was like, I remember thinking like, I go up all the time, but I was wrong. | ||
| I was lying to myself, because I was going up once, twice, twice a month, doing two dates out of the month, but there was a whole portion of the month where I wasn't working, and I wasn't writing. | ||
| I wasn't thinking comedy. | ||
| That's the biggest difference. | ||
| When you're in production, you're thinking production. | ||
| You're thinking, what's our call time? | ||
| What's our heart out? | ||
| That's where your mind's occupied. | ||
| And when you're a stand-up man, it's just there. | ||
| That's all you're thinking. | ||
| And that's how you get better at it. | ||
| And you have to be going up all the fucking time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Like, that's the other thing, man. | ||
| And Adam Egan changed my life for the better. | ||
| By passing me at the store and letting me be a paid regular, it gave me so much more momentum and passion about it. | ||
| Because I was like, fuck, I'm going up to the best place in the world to do stand-up comedy. | ||
| And I'm getting spots. | ||
| Whenever I call in, I'll get a spot. | ||
| They're cool as fuck. | ||
| And I'm only home, you know, three days a week, but if I'm going up twice a week or at least once a week, you really feel the difference in your act. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And if you can go to other clubs, too, man. | ||
| Like, I like going, like, do a set at the Improv, shoot over and do a set at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I've done three in a night. | ||
| Which is big for LA. In New York, they're laughing at us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because those guys will do like 10 different sets a night, hopping from one place to another. | ||
| But I've done the Laugh Factory, the Store, and the Ha Ha all in one night. | ||
| Or no, the Improv, the Store, and the Ha Ha all in one night. | ||
| It's so different, man. | ||
| You do a set in one place, and you get sort of a vibe of what comedy is. | ||
| Then you're in a set of just completely different energy in the room, completely different vibe of the people, and then, all right, bye, folks. | ||
| And then you run over and do a different set, and now it's a totally different vibe as well. | ||
| And mostly, I was going up with the same material, so it was real strange. | ||
| There's different feels to different places and different crowds. | ||
| When Joey was getting ready for his hour, he was hitting it. | ||
| I mean, easily two spots a night. | ||
| And we live right next door to each other practically, so he just calls me up and he'd be like, dog, I got us down for two spots tonight. | ||
| Like, he would just call my avail in with his and know we're going together. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Go to the Dark Horse Saloon. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| It was a fun dead room. | ||
| Meaning it's not packed out. | ||
| Joey's not promoting it. | ||
| I'm not promoting it. | ||
| And it's just people coming in to see a show. | ||
| And you really got a vibe of like, this works. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And then he'd be like, on to the haha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And we... | ||
| I remember going to the Ha-Ha with Joey one time. | ||
| I said, let's go to Flappers in Burbank, and then we'll go to the Ha-Ha. | ||
| I go, we'll go to Flappers in Burbank, and he goes, and then we go to the Ha-Ha. | ||
| I got a thing lined up. | ||
| And I was like, I've never been to the Ha-Ha. | ||
| I pull up, and our faces, our names are on the billboard. | ||
| Our faces are out there. | ||
| They meet us at the car. | ||
| Bert, you're running late. | ||
| You got to get on stage right now. | ||
| I'm like, Joey, what did you sign us up for? | ||
| He didn't even tell you? | ||
| He didn't even tell me! | ||
| He just booked a show? | ||
| He just booked us on a show! | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| He really is one of the funniest, funniest... | ||
| Like, me and you said this today, Bill Burr is one of the funniest human beings alive. | ||
| Joey Diaz, you can say that statement exactly, and it means the exact same fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, we were just talking about that before you got here. | ||
| We were trying to figure out... | ||
| I think that's in my running for the two funniest people alive is Burr and Diaz. | ||
| That's my running. | ||
| For me, I was crying last night. | ||
| Fucking crying. | ||
| And he just grabs the reins, man. | ||
| He just grabbed the reins and ran with it. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| Do you know when your soul's like a... | ||
| You just made that up on the spot. | ||
| Your soul's like a... | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| A pixelation of your soul. | ||
| And then you watch that. | ||
| They gotta take one of those squares away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just fucking on. | ||
| It was a great analogy. | ||
| You and him. | ||
| I said this to Tommy this morning. | ||
| We talked about the show. | ||
| I was literally walking around giggling, recounting it. | ||
| And I told Tommy, I said, man, I wish you had been there just to see Burr and Rogan. | ||
| Because the two of you were the driving forces. | ||
| Doug was bringing in the reins. | ||
| He would be like, all right, what we're doing tonight? | ||
| And you're like, Doug, they already know that. | ||
| And they're like, okay, I'm going to go check on Manson. | ||
| And then... | ||
| But you and Bill were the ones driving that. | ||
| And I swear to God when I say this, I literally started to move the mic from my face because I was afraid I was laughing too much. | ||
| That you'd just hear me just... | ||
| There was a point where I thought I was going to fucking pass out. | ||
| And I was like breathing. | ||
| I have not laughed that hard in forever. | ||
| Well, it's also, it felt like we were doing something cool. | ||
| Like, we all got together and we joked around about this crazy thing that was happening for us. | ||
| And apparently, folks, the live stream, if you were listening, sucked. | ||
| We didn't know that you were only getting it through one ear. | ||
| I don't know what to do about that. | ||
| The video's up now, though, on YouTube. | ||
| The video's been fixed. | ||
| Powerful Jamie. | ||
| The full video's up? | ||
| Yeah, the video's up. | ||
| And we fixed the audio issues that existed before, so it'll come at you in both speakers. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| I guess that was a really annoying thing to stream like that, but whatever. | ||
| I kept thinking this could be... | ||
| I mean, I don't think anyone on that stage would do it for this. | ||
| This could be a fucking TV show. | ||
| But why? | ||
| Let's just do that. | ||
| Let's just do that again. | ||
| That's what Bill said. | ||
| See, the thing is with TV shows, I did something today for a friend of mine. | ||
| He's got a car show. | ||
| And I went to him. | ||
| We were talking about suspensions. | ||
| And he crafts Steve Stroop. | ||
| He makes all these really cool muscle cars. | ||
| And there's this crew that's talking to them, and they got cameras, and they're nice folks. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with them. | ||
| But it's just everyone's got this, okay, now stand over here. | ||
| Now we're going to come towards you here. | ||
| So as we come around the car, like that kind of shit, and you're like, okay, now be normal. | ||
| You try to be normal. | ||
| It feels weird, right? | ||
| But if you're just doing it like we're doing it. | ||
| If you're doing something like a podcast like that, just a podcast, that's it. | ||
| As soon as you start bringing it, okay, Bert, we're going to go live in five. | ||
| Now, can you pick it up from what you said about the machine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you do that machine thing again? | ||
| And you would have to do it again. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you wanted to do it as a TV show, there'd be all sorts of other people in the fucking kitchen. | ||
| Let me get in my jizz in the soup there. | ||
| Yeah, and you'd only do it for 22 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So that's where you lose the... | ||
| You lose everything. | ||
| It's live. | ||
| It's live, and it's fun, and it's friends busting each other's balls and talking shit about the world, about how wacky this world is. | ||
| Dan Hope outed me for my fucking face herpes, my cold sores. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| That's a true story, though. | ||
| I was mocking him because he gets him on his penis. | ||
| And I was like, oh, but I get him on my face. | ||
| It's even worse. | ||
| You can see him. | ||
| I love the way he starts sentences, though. | ||
| I have herpes! | ||
| He was on fire last night, too. | ||
| He was on fire when Fitzsimmons said something that didn't land. | ||
| Doug goes, now I understand why talk shows have lead-in questions. | ||
| Yeah, he was a little hostile to some of the guests. | ||
| He was definitely, and then at one point he was laying in my lap. | ||
| That's one of my favorite pictures of my life. | ||
| Was he sucking on your nipple? | ||
| He sucked on my nipple. | ||
| When Sarah and Bill started fighting too much, he would try to break up the tension by sucking on my nipple. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Was it entertaining, the Bill and Sarah thing? | ||
| It was for me. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I don't hate either of them, so I'm sure to the average viewer who maybe doesn't know Sarah but loves Bill, they're like, why would you disagree with him? | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Right, but the problem with those conversations is, as much as I would probably agree, that's just my opinion. | ||
| And there's got to be someone out there that's like, yeah, Sarah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure there's people. | ||
| Oh, there are definitely women that... | ||
| Well, I don't know if any women were on the live stream, but... | ||
| We had four women watching the live stream. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| There was 6,000 humans at any given time. | ||
| How many people were streaming it? | ||
| Most I saw was like $35,000, $33,000, something like that at one time. | ||
| Holy crap. | ||
| So there's been videos that were up that we took down on YouTube. | ||
| They were up and they were private, but the sound was fucked up still. | ||
| That's why they were private. | ||
| We were trying to fix the sound. | ||
| So the full version is uploaded now. | ||
| Oh, I know how they found that unlisted video, because every one of us tweeted the link to the video on our Facebook live pages, or our Facebook pages. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Because I was looking for it this morning, and I couldn't find it, and I was like, wait, did we not record that? | ||
| I was like, that would stink if we missed that. | ||
| Oh yeah, that would suck hard. | ||
| I forgot to hit record. | ||
| Yeah, that was... | ||
| Dude, we could do that again. | ||
| But next time we do it, we can't just have people just walk on the stage and just sit down there. | ||
| I didn't know that that was going on. | ||
| And, you know, we have a specific amount of people that we do it with, because anything more than three or four gets really hard. | ||
| I figured Doug was putting people on stage, because he definitely put Brendan Walsh on stage. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| But Brendan's a good friend. | ||
| We've known him forever. | ||
| And he wasn't even on for that long. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| That dude's so funny. | ||
| He's so crazy, too. | ||
| Doug was telling the story about Bingo having a seizure and hitting her head, and Brendan goes, I've had a few girlfriends have seizures when they don't cook the food right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| So if you've been paying attention to all these people's reactions, everyone's trying to figure out why Trump won. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| It's fascinating to see people freak out. | ||
| People are crying. | ||
| People are fucking crying. | ||
| Oh, they stormed out of a school in Arizona. | ||
| The kids marched out of a school to protest the president-elect. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Now, there is a weird energy when Trump gave his speech last night. | ||
| It was almost like the bully saying, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. | ||
| He was like, now we can be... | ||
| It was kind of weird because he has not been super inclusive. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's like, we need to heal together. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, you totally feel that way. | ||
| But part of me goes, is there a part of him that fucking hates everyone that doesn't like him? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He certainly, I mean, he's, look, he's a super businessman. | ||
| And super businessmen, they're like, they're game players. | ||
| They're playing a game. | ||
| So if you move towards them, you know, and you make a move, they want to make a move to counter your move and fuck you up. | ||
| Like, that's Donald Trump's personality. | ||
| That's why he sues all those people that, you know, he's involved in altercations with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just fucking squashes shit. | ||
| He doesn't like, you know, if people are talking shit about him. | ||
| But once you become president, you've got to let all that go. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy. | ||
| Did you watch that video? | ||
| Oh, God, yes. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| You can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy when you're in your 60s. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| Definitely now that you're the president, please stop doing that. | ||
| It's just, don't do it. | ||
| You can think it, but don't do it. | ||
| And even if you think it, why are you even bothering? | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| They gotta get rid of his Twitter immediately. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope, let him keep tweeting. | ||
| Let him keep tweeting. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Dude, political correctness just took a missile to the dick. | ||
| Now, do you think that's good or bad for stand-up? | ||
| Unquestionably good. | ||
| Unquestionably good. | ||
| In every way, shape, or form. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's good because he's gonna do some goofy shit. | ||
| He's gonna say some ridiculous things. | ||
| I mean, right now, if you said something, like, I like to go up and grab a woman by the pussies, everyone would be like, that has to be acceptable because half of America is not offended by that. | ||
| Dude, see... | ||
| I'm a believer in that the president, in a lot of ways, shapes the mindset of the country. | ||
| Because it's just a natural thing that happens in tribes. | ||
| You know, if you have one fierce tribal leader in a tribe, I guarantee you the warriors that are in that tribe will also be fierce. | ||
| Because they'll be under the guidance of the one wild fucking guy. | ||
| I mean, that's how fierce armies get put together. | ||
| You have to have a badass fucking general. | ||
| Well, when your president is this guy who rarely gets riled up about anything, he's not emotional at all, he's super articulate, and really well-spoken, and he's a great orator, that's Barack Obama, right? | ||
| I mean, that's what you would think of when you think of a presidential person. | ||
| He's probably the most presidential guy we've ever had as president. | ||
| But then you go with Trump. | ||
| He's not doing that at all. | ||
| Like, he's just rocking it a totally different way. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's doing it like a businessman. | ||
| You fuck with him, he's gonna fuck with you back, you know, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Jon Stewart, you pussy. | ||
| Jon Stewart, his real name is Leibowitz. | ||
| 1.30 in the morning, he's doing it. | ||
| 1.30 in the morning. | ||
| But that's the kind of guy that can fucking finance campaign for president all on his own and win. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I mean, forget about whether you think it's a good thing for the country or a bad thing for the country. | ||
| It might be the greatest success story ever. | ||
| It might be like the greatest upset of any contest ever. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| There's no bigger upset. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| What do you think the odds were when Donald Trump first entered the race in Vegas that he would eventually become president? | ||
| What do you think the odds were? | ||
| I remember watching Seth Meyers' State of the Union address and he said, Donald Trump's here. | ||
| Donald Trump said he's running as a Republican. | ||
| I thought he was running as a joke. | ||
| And I doubled over and I thought, I remember thinking to myself, what an idiot. | ||
| He could never be president. | ||
| I literally thought, he could never be president. | ||
| And then to think that that's a fucking reality? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Is there any celebrity other than Reagan? | ||
| Ronald Reagan's the one I was curious about because they said that... | ||
| I don't remember the election. | ||
| I was too young. | ||
| But they were saying that despite the fact that he had already been governor, because that was kind of like... | ||
| He had been in office. | ||
| They were shocked that anyone would vote for Reagan. | ||
| They thought he was a fucking joke. | ||
| And dude, he destroyed Mondale. | ||
| Like, I look at those county-by-county polls where they show you what the county's voted. | ||
| It's really fucking interesting. | ||
| Because you, like, look at Ohio. | ||
| It's all red. | ||
| But Cleveland's blue. | ||
| And, like, Columbus is blue. | ||
| And Toledo's blue. | ||
| And so, but the thing is, just outside the city, everyone's voting for Trump. | ||
| But in the city, people are voting Democrat. | ||
| But if you look at Reagan's, I mean, literally, it's all fucking red. | ||
| Have you ever gone back and watched some of Reagan's speeches? | ||
| No. | ||
| I watched a few of them the other day. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I did a YouTube rabbit hole. | ||
| I went down and watched a bunch of Reagan speeches. | ||
| They were so weird. | ||
| So weird because now that he's dead and you know the history. | ||
| It's so weird because it was in my lifetime. | ||
| I remember these events. | ||
| I remember these things happening. | ||
| But he was on stage doing some speech and he started talking about how Wouldn't it be, if we were attacked by some sort of an alien invader for another planet, wouldn't it be easy for us to abandon all of our differences and join together as one race to face this alien threat? | ||
| And everybody was like, what the fuck did he just say? | ||
| Did the fucking president just say there's aliens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he said! | |
| That's what I heard! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard he said, the fucking aliens are coming, dude! | |
| They're coming! | ||
| Oh my god, we gotta get together! | ||
| That's literally what he said. | ||
| And it was one of those conspiracy theorist dreams where someone, you know, like me or like Eddie Bravo would fucking look at it and go, dude, you hear what he just said there? | ||
| You fucking hear what he just said? | ||
| He said, if an alien species came down here, dude, they're coming. | ||
| They're going to let us know slow. | ||
| They're going to let us know slow. | ||
| I used to think they should release a tiger in every major city. | ||
| Jesus, what about your kids? | ||
| Well, I mean, yeah, that's just gonna... | ||
| We gotta deal with that. | ||
| Let the chips fall where they may? | ||
| But the reason being, imagine how tighter the communities would get. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, people would be cooler to each other. | ||
| They'd be like, hey man, have you seen the tiger? | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, he's on the other side of town. | ||
| Oh, fucking thank God, man. | ||
| Hey, have a great day. | ||
| Can't you shoot that tiger? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| You gotta leave it... | ||
| It just feeds off people. | ||
| It just feeds off people. | ||
| That's the balancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are baiting them into neighborhoods for gentrification. | |
| Could you imagine if that's how we rocked it? | ||
| We just left a tiger in every 100,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had to keep it. | |
| You had to keep the tiger. | ||
| You can't hurt the tiger. | ||
| Oh my god, it's a game with you and nature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| I mean, when I was in Tanzania with the Maasai, lions are their big fucking deal. | ||
| And so they're crammed in together and they got thorns, big thorn bushes keeping them together. | ||
| And they're always together. | ||
| They're always in clumps. | ||
| Because they got fucking lions everywhere. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, I bet that makes you a lot tighter. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| When you know you could get eaten by a fucking lion if you go take a shit. | ||
| By yourself. | ||
| You're like, hey man, you wanna go hang out while I take a shit? | ||
| Well, those people are so much more connected to nature, because how many animals must they see get killed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| I told you. | ||
| They cut a goat's throat in front of me. | ||
| Pfft! | ||
| Like, hey, welcome to our jungle. | ||
| Slid his throat and bled it into a horn. | ||
| So you could drink it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so casual. | ||
| What does it taste like? | ||
| Like liver. | ||
| Wow, like a drinking liver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably super good for you, right? | ||
| I didn't mind the taste. | ||
| Other than the fact that we get all in your teeth, you have blood all in your teeth. | ||
| I didn't mind the taste. | ||
| And it was Africa and I didn't want to get AIDS. I didn't mind the taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Imagine being the first guy to get sick from that. | ||
| I wonder what kind of blood-borne pathogens they could be carrying in their body. | ||
| But wouldn't that be in the meat, too? | ||
| I guess you probably have to worry that less with herbivores. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Then you would like... | ||
| Like you couldn't drink bear blood. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You couldn't do it. | ||
| You know, I don't think so. | ||
| I think you'd get trichinosis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say something like 90-something percent of bears have trichinosis. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you have to cook that out of them? | ||
| Yeah, you have to cook it like you would cook pork, which is like to 160 degrees. | ||
| Oh, I've been cooking pork medium rare. | ||
| Well, now that you probably can get away with that because you're talking about domestic pork. | ||
| See, the standards, they actually lowered the temperature. | ||
| I think they lowered the pork recommended to 140, which is really kind of like a medium. | ||
| Not a medium rare. | ||
| I think medium rare is like 135. But anyway, I forget my point. | ||
| Bears, blood. | ||
| Yeah, you have to cook bears. | ||
| But you don't have to do that with a deer or an elk. | ||
| You can eat elk sashimi where you slice it. | ||
| Oh, did we do that with a bison? | ||
| I think we ate part of the bison's heart or part of his liver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Raw, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, people have done heart raw. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I kind of dig that shit. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Like, there's a part of me that's, like, you know, the big anti, the N-word for guys like me is call me a bro. | ||
| A bro's bad? | ||
| Yeah, that's the N-word for alternative hipsters, millennials. | ||
| I do not think it's as bad as the N-word. | ||
| I don't think it is either, but that's like they go, oh, he's a bro? | ||
| Are you bro-ing out? | ||
| I think we have to embrace that. | ||
| We have to take it back. | ||
| I love being a bro, dude. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| I love high fives. | ||
| But yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| But when you used to be able to say, what's up, bro, to your friend and really think that. | ||
| And now it's like one of those weird things. | ||
| Like, bro's like a joke. | ||
| It's like a half joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I say brother to everyone. | ||
| Bro science? | ||
| You know about bro science? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's all I do. | ||
| I do bro science. | ||
| I don't have any degrees. | ||
| What's bro science? | ||
| Bro science is when you talk about something, like, I might watch a YouTube video, memorize some statistics, and then recite it back. | ||
| That's bro science, bro. | ||
| Oh, I do bro science then. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| Anybody who's a bro does bro science. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a bro historian, too. | |
| Yeah, I'm a bro sports fan. | ||
| I love that your rabbit holes take you to a Ronald Reagan speech, and mine always take me to either stop being a douchebag videos or bully justice, like those instant karma. | ||
| I like watching little kids fight, like when one kid actually knows how to fight in high school. | ||
| There's this one girl, and she's in this fight with this... | ||
| I don't know if she's in a fight with a dude? | ||
| She might have been in a fight with a dude, but she's in some wrestling match with this kid, and she clearly knows Muay Thai, because she fucking knees him in the face. | ||
| Like, full fucking power, really good technique, crushes this dude, crumples him. | ||
| And you watch and you go, whoa! | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Somebody taught her how to fight. | ||
| Somebody taught her how to fight. | ||
| Some dickhead started to fight with her. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Maybe she's the dickhead. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'd like to get my daughters into like a base level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| Oh, is this it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's a girl and a guy. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doge! | |
| Oh, is it a girl? | ||
| Is that a girl that she just flattened? | ||
| Or is that a guy? | ||
| It's a boy. | ||
| It's a boy. | ||
| Dude, she... | ||
| Yeah, it is a boy. | ||
| Dude, she flattened him. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| She flattened him. | ||
| Show that again, Jamie. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| She takes him down. | ||
| She holds onto him, and boom! | ||
| Knee to the face. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Another knee. | ||
| She threw her whole body into that knee. | ||
| She did. | ||
| She just fucked that dude up. | ||
| Like, that's a girl who seriously knows Muay Thai. | ||
| That would be like if you tried to fuck with John Wayne Parr's daughter, if you gave her a hard time. | ||
| I want my girls to know a little bit of jujitsu just to protect themselves from dudes. | ||
| Look at the fucking technique, man. | ||
| Her knee, excellent. | ||
| Excellent technique, position, everything. | ||
| That girl absolutely knows how to fight. | ||
| Like, that wasn't luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, she just smashed that dude. | ||
| I'd like to think the guy's an asshole. | ||
| I'm sure he is. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She might have just decided to beat up a boy, send a message. | |
| This is how I roll motherfuckers. | ||
| Wait, where did she run off to? | ||
| Some other girls were chasing her. | ||
| She just ran off like super person. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's that fight. | ||
| I always end up watching this one fight of these two guys in this parking lot. | ||
| And the one guy is posted up like this. | ||
| And the other guy clearly knows the beginning levels of MMA. And it is. | ||
| And he fucks this dude up. | ||
| And it's just over. | ||
| But there's this energy. | ||
| Do you remember... | ||
| Two guys about start fighting, and then one guy clearly has fought before, and he's done, like, martial arts. | ||
| And the guy's like, no, no, no, no! | ||
| Street fight only! | ||
| Street fight only! | ||
| And the guy's like, no, I'm not gonna handicap myself so that you can win, so that it's even. | ||
| What does that mean, street fight only? | ||
| Street fight only! | ||
| Street fight only! | ||
| I've heard that before. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh yeah, I've heard that before. | ||
| And I've seen it in videos too. | ||
| I heard it in college. | ||
| There was this guy who knew all Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, everything. | ||
| And there was a big block party. | ||
| K-A-T-O-N-S-A used to do a block party. | ||
| And he's talking shit. | ||
| Someone was talking shit and he hit his roommate's friend. | ||
| He hit his... | ||
| This jiu-jitsu guy hit his roommate. | ||
| So the jiu-jitsu guy came in to protect his friend, his roommate, and this other guy's like, oh, you want some, motherfucker? | ||
| And he's just like, okay. | ||
| The way he moved, it was very clear. | ||
| He knew what he was doing. | ||
| And the guy was like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Street fight. | ||
| It's got to be a street fight. | ||
| And I remember being like... | ||
| No. | ||
| And then he fucking killed him. | ||
| It's gotta be a street fight. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| You're the one that told me, like, one time I remember saying I talk shit to somebody. | ||
| This must have been five years ago. | ||
| And you were like, do you know how to fight? | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| And you're like, why would you ever talk to someone if you don't know how to fight? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I've been going on that mindset my whole life, just rolling the dice that they'll back down. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| I don't talk shit to anybody now. | ||
| You should never talk shit. | ||
| Well, first of all, you shouldn't because it's just not worth it, and it's a bad path to go down when you get in arguments with people. | ||
| We're probably all going to get in them again, but it's not good. | ||
| It's way better for you, for them, for everybody to avoid those kind of conversations at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when you start insulting people you don't know, God damn, that's so risky. | ||
| It's so risky. | ||
| You don't know what they do. | ||
| That could be a killer. | ||
| You don't know anything. | ||
| I mean, like literally a killer. | ||
| You have no idea what that person does. | ||
| And so for you to just meet some stranger, bump into them, and want to exchange assaults You could have fucked up, man. | ||
| You could be, you know, sitting right next to Lorenz Larkin and you don't know who he is. | ||
| You know, you decide to slap him. | ||
| You do something stupid because you think you're a tough guy and you think you're going to intimidate him and he just leg kicks you and you realize like, oh, good lord. | ||
| Then he starts beating the shit out of you. | ||
| Slowly, whenever he wants to, he hits you. | ||
| That's reality. | ||
| You could find yourself in a terrible situation. | ||
| I don't even understand those guys who just simply talk disrespectful to someone. | ||
| Like, that'll happen when you're with, like, as a comic and you're on the road, you're at a bar, and someone's a fan of yours, and another guy's a fan of yours, you'll watch them almost, like, attack, like one guy, the drunkest, will be a dick, and be like, oh, I guess we're all just gonna sit up at the bar. | ||
| And you're like, hey man, don't do that. | ||
| The guy just wants to hang out too. | ||
| I can hang out with both of you. | ||
| It doesn't need to be one or the other. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| I go, what the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| Just have a good time. | ||
| I'm not impressed. | ||
| It doesn't make me happy that you're mocking someone in front of me. | ||
| That's not funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, sometimes dudes can be douchebags. | ||
| I mean, there's something about men's personalities and wanting to get ahead. | ||
| Wanting to fucking move ahead of the line. | ||
| I gotta meet Bert next. | ||
| It's a fucking competition. | ||
| Motherfucker better not try to cut me. | ||
| It's such a weird... | ||
| There's a line, and you're like, hey man. | ||
| People get crazy. | ||
| Some guys will walk straight to the fucking front of the line to take pictures with their chicks. | ||
| Doug Benson saw it happen to me one time, and he was like, why would you let that happen? | ||
| And I was like, I don't like confrontation either. | ||
| That is a crazy move. | ||
| Okay, man, I'm not waiting in this fucking line. | ||
| Let's get a picture. | ||
| I've heard people do that, and I tell them that it's a line, and then they just stand there, and I take the picture with the person who's at the front of the line, and they go, can we go now? | ||
| Like, no, there's an actual line. | ||
| You can't just cut in. | ||
| Like, that's rude. | ||
| Someone has to police this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Lines give me anxiety. | ||
| Well, it's a competition. | ||
| When am I gonna get there? | ||
| When's it gonna happen? | ||
| We're up next. | ||
| How the fuck did she get in front of him? | ||
| Was she in front of him before? | ||
| She just cut? | ||
| Did she just cut? | ||
| It's not even you. | ||
| It's somebody else. | ||
| The exact same amount of people in front of you. | ||
| You start freaking out. | ||
| She just fucking cut the line in front of that guy. | ||
| Dude, we were getting on, I was on my buddy Cowhead's cruise, and we were getting back on the boat from St. Thomas, and there was a line to get back on the boat, but it wasn't a defined line. | ||
| It was just people, like three wide, four wide, sometimes two wide, lining up down the side of the pier, and there were people just walking past the line. | ||
| And I would be like, hey, there's a line, and he'd be like, oh, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, and just keep walking. | ||
| And I'd be like, motherfucker! | ||
| Like, it drove me nuts! | ||
| Like, I was losing, and then this one couple just got right in front of me, and I went, hey, you can't do that! | ||
| And now I feel like I'm in third grade, like, hey man, no cuts, no buts, no interrupts, man, let's go! | ||
| What did they say when you said you can't do that? | ||
| They were like, oh, no, no, our friends are coming. | ||
| And I was just like, and then I'm like, okay, I'm drunk. | ||
| There's no reason for me to interact with this person. | ||
| It's one of those things, like, do I take the path of least resistance and just go, whatever? | ||
| It's one fucking person. | ||
| Is it worth getting into an argument with one person, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there's something weird. | ||
| Oh, it's a fucking douchebaggery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's douchebaggery. | |
| Oh, I fucking hate it. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| I hear people do that at the airport. | ||
| Dude, they do it everywhere, all the time. | ||
| There's always someone. | ||
| But it's not that many. | ||
| You know, if you're dealing with a thousand people, you're gonna get one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At least, right? | ||
| Just someone who just goes, oh, the rules don't apply to me. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| Nah, you don't need a thousand. | ||
| Maybe 300, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every 300. But it depends on what fucking, if you're at a Raiders game or something. | ||
| Oh, don't even get me started. | ||
| I've been going to Rams games. | ||
| Fogging lines there. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Football games are ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, and the Rams stadium, the Coliseum, it's like going back to Deadwood. | ||
| It's fucking atrocious. | ||
| How much security do they have at those things? | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| And they've got only one exit for everyone. | ||
| Meaning, like, they don't have levels of exits for tiers. | ||
| If you sit up there, you gotta walk out this way. | ||
| If you sit down here, you gotta walk out this way. | ||
| It's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Just a funnel? | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| And they have no refrigeration for the craft services or whatever. | ||
| So, like, they run out of water. | ||
| No more water. | ||
| No more. | ||
| We're out. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, but it's 90 degrees out here and there's 92,000 people. | ||
| Yeah, we're done. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It literally must be what it is to be like in one of those... | ||
| No, that's not as bad as I'm going to say. | ||
| What were you going to say? | ||
| One of those shantytowns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not as bad as that. | |
| It's like living in Africa. | ||
| There's no water at the football game. | ||
| We had to leave. | ||
| We had to get in our air-conditioned car and drive off. | ||
| What a white privilege. | ||
| Oh, that's super white privilege. | ||
| It's like living in a shantytown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm talking about my season tickets at the Raiders and the Rams game. | |
| It's like a cardboard box under the bridge. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, man, it's just, when you're inviting that many men in a gigantic arena-type place, and then you're having combat sport, like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Football's a combat sport, in my opinion. | ||
| You know, it's not a combat sport where you're hitting each other all the time with punches and kicks, but you're running into each other full blast. | ||
| You know what the fuck you're doing? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're trying to get bigger so you can smash people better. | ||
| It's a combat sport, goddammit. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| What's the... | ||
| Is there fights at UFCs? | ||
| Oh, occasionally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Occasionally. | ||
| Less than you would think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But yeah, you're going to get drunk people together. | ||
| You know, maybe one person's cheering a little too loud for someone you don't like and calling the guy you like a loser or whatever. | ||
| People do. | ||
| I've seen some brawls. | ||
| But for the most part, not really, man. | ||
| I think a lot of people also that go to see MMA, like if you go to see it live, it's expensive. | ||
| You want to go check out the UFC live. | ||
| Those things sell out like that. | ||
| Like this Madison Square Garden thing. | ||
| People are going to be excited to be there. | ||
| They're not going to fuck up the experience. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| But if you're next to the wrong person ever in life in a live setting, whether it's a comedy club or a concert, you could be next to the wrong fucking person and they could ruin the experience. | ||
| We were behind, we were in front of the wrong person on one game. | ||
| It was just this guy in all Raiders gear and he just kept saying to people, how long you been a Rams fan, huh? | ||
| Oh, you're a brand new Rams fan? | ||
| Okay, that's what I thought. | ||
| And you're just like, why? | ||
| What is this doing for you? | ||
| Is he a Mexican gentleman? | ||
| You just did him in a Mexican accent. | ||
| Oh, did I? I didn't mean to. | ||
| I'm really bad at accents. | ||
| He's Irish. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| How long have you been a Rams fan? | ||
| What land are you from? | ||
| He said it to me. | ||
| My kids are sitting in front of me. | ||
| So he doesn't know that they're my kids, technically. | ||
| So my kids are sitting in front of me. | ||
| I'm sitting with my buddy, Eric. | ||
| And he's just like, how long have you been a Rams fan? | ||
| And my buddy, Eric, grew up here. | ||
| So he's like, my whole life. | ||
| He's like, oh, really? | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| And he's like, I grew up in the valley. | ||
| Eric grew up in Santa Monica. | ||
| He's like, oh, okay. | ||
| How about you? | ||
| And I was like, this is my first game. | ||
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| And I guess he just caught him off guard. | ||
| He giggled. | ||
| He was like, ah, that's what I thought. | ||
| Yeah, no one... | ||
| I'm from here, man. | ||
| I'm from here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| And you're like, okay. | ||
| Irish people don't talk like that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm really bad at accents. | ||
| He was like... | ||
| He was like, I love to cariseum. | ||
| That's like Japanese from the 1950s. | ||
| Goddammit, I'm so bad at accents. | ||
| He's like, my man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said, can I play against some conversation? | |
| We had a Rams game. | ||
| I just think football in general and combat sports in general, you get a bunch of men together and you give them booze, shit's gonna go wrong. | ||
| And if you're only telling me there's only one way to get out of there, that's not in my book of safe places to be. | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you remember the XFL? Yes! | ||
| That was the, um, what the fuck's his name? | ||
| Vince McMahon. | ||
| Yeah, I went to an XFL game. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| Holy fucking shit. | ||
| That was what a prison yard must feel like. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really. | ||
| Like, I remember a dude, a fight broke out, and the cops went into the stands from the field to get the guy, and the fans kicked the cops out of the stands. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they had the guy, and the fans pulled the guy back into the stadium and pushed the cops onto the grass, and the cops just were like, I guess that guy's going free. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That game they gave out cardboard flyers. | ||
| I don't know what it was, so you could all hold them up and you'd all make the same color or whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everyone was just turning them into paper airplanes, and they were throwing darts. | ||
| And I saw a dude turn around and get hit in the eye with one, and leave. | ||
| Like, ah, and leave. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| He got hit in the eye with a dart. | ||
| With these paper airplanes, but they were, I mean, out of cardboard. | ||
| And people were turning them into paper airplanes, but they were flying, like, fucking... | ||
| And it hit the guy in the eye, like, three rows in front of me, and he just doubled over and walked out, and I was like, that guy might have just lost a fucking eye for an XFL game. | ||
| I was like, I got recognized a lot there too. | ||
| When did the XFL exist? | ||
| Probably 2001. And I was on a TV show. | ||
| What show were you on back then? | ||
| The X show. | ||
| You were on it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And Vince McMahon came on. | ||
| You said that to me three times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, what show was it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| And Vince, I think Vince McMahon or someone came on to promote the league. | ||
| And so we got, as cast members, we all got free tickets. | ||
| And we were like, oh, these will be nice. | ||
| No, they were gen pop. | ||
| And it was fucking brutal. | ||
| Yeah, but we had just promoted the games on TV and I remember walking through and everyone's like, oh, you're that fucking guy! | ||
| And I was like, yeah, what's up? | ||
| I remember when you were doing Hurt Burt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| That was the first TV stuff that I was aware of that you were doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, oh my god, someone's gonna talk to this guy. | ||
| You gotta stop doing that. | ||
| I'm not fucking doing that shit ever again. | ||
| Yeah, like you'd let people choke you unconscious. | ||
| You let some of the Gracie brothers choke you unconscious. | ||
| Who did it? | ||
| Was it Henner or Heron? | ||
| Who choked you out? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| It happened so quick. | ||
| Getting choked out is such a fucking scary feeling because it really proves your helplessness. | ||
| Yeah, you're helpless for sure for one of those guys. | ||
| One of those guys gets a hold of you? | ||
| It took two seconds. | ||
| He just went and grabbed my kimono and just tightened it around my neck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember reaching up to stop him, and hitting him once, and then being like, I can't stop this, and falling out. | ||
| And then I had panic attacks for like a week, because I knew what it was like to suffocate and die. | ||
| Jesus, dude. | ||
| I literally, I remember I'd be fucking laying in bed, and I'd just go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was fucking crazy. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I wish at that time, you know what's so funny? | ||
| Horian is the father. | ||
| Horian said to me, you could benefit from jujitsu. | ||
| He's like, why don't you come? | ||
| No charge. | ||
| Come down and roll with us. | ||
| We'll teach you everything. | ||
| Come down, please. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| In my head, I'm like, what am I going to do jujitsu for? | ||
| God, man, that would have helped me so fucking much in life. | ||
| You can still do it. | ||
| I talked to Eddie Bravo. | ||
| We had talked about this one time. | ||
| And so I think you or someone, maybe you set me up with Eddie Bravo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, well, you know, you live right down the street from Joey. | ||
| Why don't you just go with Joey? | ||
| Have Joey take you to Alberto Crane's place. | ||
| That's where he's going, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He goes a lot. | ||
| But I talked to Eddie Bravo, and Eddie Bravo came in, and he had a black eye. | ||
| And I went, what happened? | ||
| Did you get in a fight? | ||
| And he was like, huh? | ||
| He didn't even know he had a black eye. | ||
| He was like, what? | ||
| I said, your eye is swollen. | ||
| And he goes, oh, it's just from rolling. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that bad. | ||
| And I was like, wait, you get black eyes? | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, you get bumps. | ||
| You get from bumps. | ||
| And I was just like, oh, I don't want to get, knock my teeth out. | ||
| It can happen, but you wear a mouthpiece. | ||
| I've only gotten a black eye like maybe ten times ever. | ||
| Ten times? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe ten times. | ||
| You know, that's a lot. | ||
| I mean, from jiu-jitsu? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you think of all the times you're rolling and all the time spent rolling? | ||
| I've had two black eyes. | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I've had two black eyes. | ||
| I've had a lot of black eyes. | ||
| I think, um... | ||
| How many black eyes have you had? | ||
| Maybe two or three, not that many. | ||
| There's a picture of me when I was doing the UFC. I had two fucked up eyes while I was doing the commentary. | ||
| Terry, that was all from my same friend. | ||
| He got me with a knee and then he got me with his elbow. | ||
| Totally accidental. | ||
| Oh, it hurts so bad. | ||
| When you're scrambling, if, you know, you move that way and that's where he was going to put his knee, ka-plonk, you just fucking collide with each other. | ||
| Dude's noses explode. | ||
| Happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah, not that I don't want that to happen, but I just don't. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know. | ||
| But you've got to also be careful. | ||
| Don't roll with spazzes. | ||
| Don't try to be a world champion, superstar. | ||
| Learn how to do the technique correctly. | ||
| Be willing to tap and just try to learn and have fun. | ||
| The Gracies have a good saying. | ||
| They say, keep it playful. | ||
| I think that's a good saying to learn it. | ||
| Because as soon as you get tense and real rigid and real concerned with the outcome, you just don't do as well. | ||
| It becomes too exhausting. | ||
| You don't concentrate on technique. | ||
| You know, like if you're not worried about getting tapped or you're not worried about getting into a bad position, you'll relax and sort of go with the flow of things. | ||
| And when you find like a certain level of efficiency, then you can operate and you can roll for like long times. | ||
| I've had rolls with people that were like 10, 15 minutes long, even longer. | ||
| Because if you get to a good place where you can kind of conserve your energy and you're both, you know, moving at a good pace but keeping it really technical, It's an amazing martial arts. | ||
| To me, it's one of the only martial arts that does as advertised. | ||
| When you look at martial arts, you always think of what I would like is some Bruce Lee type scenario where the small guy could beat up everybody around him. | ||
| Well, striking, that really doesn't work like that. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| Yeah, it just doesn't. | ||
| You know, if Brock Lesnar is as badass as Joseph Benavidez is, if Brock Lesnar was chasing him down, he'd be kind of fucked. | ||
| He'd just be kind of fucked. | ||
| That's just too much. | ||
| It's just too much man. | ||
| But... | ||
| If Brock Lesnar rolled, like if he did jujitsu with a guy like Gary Tonin, who just won the EBI this past weekend, he won the heavyweight division. | ||
| He's a 169-pound, I think it is, champion, and he went up and he won the heavyweight division. | ||
| He went 205, I guess, is the weight class. | ||
| But that guy would choke out Brock Lesnar, most likely. | ||
| So Brock Lesnar, when he's fighting, he's not doing jiu-jitsu? | ||
| He does jiu-jitsu, and he's fucking gigantic. | ||
| But he's not... | ||
| I think Brock just got his blue belt. | ||
| See if that's correct. | ||
| Brock Lesnar got his blue belt or Brock Lesnar got his purple belt. | ||
| Might be his purple belt. | ||
| Is he using more wrestling techniques? | ||
| Yeah, he's a freak wrestler. | ||
| I mean, absolutely. | ||
| You know, as far as like amateur wrestlers go, super successful. | ||
| Two-time NCAA All-American. | ||
| I saw a video of him as a collegiate wrestler. | ||
| Beast. | ||
| And they were, I guess it's like a documentary that's coming out or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, God, he was, and he was fucking the same Brock Lesnar, that fucking scary look. | ||
| What's he got there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blue belt. | |
| Blue belt. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a new blue belt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what's it go? | ||
| It goes white? | ||
| White, blue. | ||
| Well, it depends. | ||
| Some people get weird. | ||
| They add a bunch of stuff. | ||
| But this is most jujitsu schools. | ||
| Because Taekwondo is very different. | ||
| But jujitsu is white, blue, purple, brown, black. | ||
| So some people put stripes and stuff in there. | ||
| Jean-Jacques was never really into that. | ||
| Jean-Jacques would just go from belt to belt. | ||
| And Eddie just goes from belt to belt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's all just... | ||
| And it's up to them, too. | ||
| It's not like a test, which is kind of weird. | ||
| Like everywhere else, like in Taekwondo, you would have to learn forms. | ||
| You'd have to learn these... | ||
| In Japan, they call them katas. | ||
| And these... | ||
| A bunch of, like, knife hand strike, side kick, knife hand strike, side kick. | ||
| It's like a dance that you're doing. | ||
| You know, this preformed thing. | ||
| And you had to know these things in order to get certain belts. | ||
| So, like, if you were a purple belt and you wanted to become a brown belt, or is it a red belt? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was, I think it went, in Taekwondo, I think it went purple, red, if I remember correctly. | ||
| Purple, red, green, blue, green, purple, yellow, blue, green, purple, red, black. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| But it's different in some schools. | ||
| Like, some schools, they would not have the red. | ||
| They would have a brown. | ||
| Like, in karate, it was always brown. | ||
| It wasn't red. | ||
| In jiu-jitsu red is like the super master. | ||
| They have like a coral belt for guys like Hicks and Gracie and John-Jacques Machado. | ||
| They give them this red belt. | ||
| Who gives it to them? | ||
| Their master? | ||
| It has to be someone of commensurate achievement in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You have to get it from one of the great masters. | ||
| There's a bunch of great masters out there like Henzo Gracie, Hoist Gracie, you know, there's like the old guard too, like Hickson, of course. | ||
| If Hickson gives you your coral belt, he gave John Jacques Machado his coral belt. | ||
| That just doesn't get any more prestigious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| John Jack is a really special guy. | ||
| His jiu-jitsu is so technical. | ||
| He was also instrumental in making certain techniques work in MMA because John Jack was born with one hand is deformed and all he has is a thumb on his left hand. | ||
| He doesn't have any fingers. | ||
| And because of that, he figured out that he can't rely on grabbing the jiu-jitsu gi, or the kimono, whatever you want to call it. | ||
| He can't rely on holding onto collars and grabbing sleeves and manipulating people with that. | ||
| Instead, he switched to overhooks and underhooks and went to more wrestling-based control. | ||
| So when jiu-jitsu went from being gi-based, primarily in competition, to they started doing Abu Dhabi. | ||
| And Abu Dhabi was no gi. | ||
| And when they went with the Abu Dhabi Submission Fighting Championships, Jean-Jacques dominated people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| One of the reasons why he dominated is because he's awesome. | ||
| He's just a super high-level world champion black belt. | ||
| But two, because he had never relied on the gi. | ||
| He was just about holding bodies. | ||
| He was all over hooks and under hooks and it translated perfectly into MMA. Eddie Bravo learned that from Jean-Jacques. | ||
| He learned that from watching Jean-Jacques and from training under Jean-Jacques and getting his black belt under him. | ||
| And so Eddie developed his style. | ||
| Eddie branched out away from the gi. | ||
| That was like a big controversial thing when he stopped wearing a gi and he started teaching no-gi jiu-jitsu. | ||
| People got upset at him. | ||
| In the jiu-jitsu community, that he was abandoning the gi. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Eddie's a revolutionary man. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| When it comes to jiu-jitsu, that guy has a crazy database of information in his head when it comes to jiu-jitsu moves. | ||
| And a lot of it he learned because he learned John Jacques, at least the base of his style, which John Jacques developed because he couldn't grab onto things. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| Now, this is a silly question. | ||
| Could, like, could Bruce Lee really fight? | ||
| I'm sure Bruce Lee could fuck up a lot of people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you watch him throw kicks and punches. | ||
| That guy definitely knew how to hit things. | ||
| And there's some video of him sparring. | ||
| It definitely looked like he did some sparring. | ||
| So that means if you've done sparring, like, if you've never hit anybody before, boy, that's a weird moment. | ||
| Like, even, what do you hit? | ||
| Do you hit bags? | ||
| You don't hit a bag either? | ||
| Okay, do you ever have anybody hold the mitts for you? | ||
| No, nothing? | ||
| And you're just going to try to hit a person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do that. | |
| It's not easy to hit people. | ||
| Hitting a person, it doesn't feel like you think it's going to feel. | ||
| It feels weird. | ||
| It feels really weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Although being hit feels totally normal. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| When you get hit, you're like, there's no weirdness to it. | ||
| You're like, oh, that's just like what I remember when I ran into my friend's elbow. | ||
| That's the same feeling. | ||
| Yeah, but unless you get tuned up on your jaw. | ||
| Oh, I've never. | ||
| You know, you popped on your jaw? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's a weird feeling. | ||
| Because your legs just stop working. | ||
| I got dropped in a kickboxing match. | ||
| I got dropped with a left hook. | ||
| And my legs just... | ||
| They just shut off. | ||
| They like shut off. | ||
| My legs just shut off. | ||
| They like stopped working. | ||
| Like somebody... | ||
| I thought that when you got hit on the jaw and you went down like that is because you were hurt. | ||
| And because, like, oh my god, this hurts so much I have to fall down. | ||
| Like, almost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's not really that. | ||
| It's something happens when you get hit with, like, a perfect knockout punch or just a knockdown punch. | ||
| When your jaw... | ||
| When they connect with your jaw and your jaw, like, displaces... | ||
| All that energy on that pivot of your jaw and the brain stem and your spine and whatever fuck is getting damaged in there when your jaw is rattling around against the side of your head. | ||
| But it sends a spark like a pow! | ||
| And your shit just goes zonk! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, dude, you just get shut off. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And mine was, like, I would say a half shut off because I was still conscious, but my legs stopped working. | ||
| But I was still super aware that I was in a fight. | ||
| I knew exactly what was going on. | ||
| I knew I just got tagged. | ||
| And I knew, whoa, this has never happened to me before. | ||
| I never had my legs give out like this. | ||
| So you didn't go to sleep? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, I was, like, only 50% there. | ||
| But I've, of course, seen every variety of that, and sometimes you'll see a guy get shut off with a punch, like someone will just hit someone with a perfect punch. | ||
| Like, you remember when Manny Pacquiao fought Juan Manuel Marquez the last fight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| See? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| One of the greatest all-time one-punch knockouts. | ||
| Pacquiao's charging in, and this is, like, I think the third or the fourth time they'd fought each other. | ||
| Maybe the third. | ||
| And Juan Manuel Marquez uncorks the perfect right hand on Pacquiao's face. | ||
| Oh, I did see that. | ||
| Pacquiao face plants, and he's out for a long-ass time. | ||
| He just face plants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I mean, that is a goddamn perfect punch. | ||
| When you can knock a guy like that completely out. | ||
| So that's the highest level that you achieve with hitting that spot. | ||
| The highest level is everything stops. | ||
| And they've got to wake you up. | ||
| And you probably don't even remember what happened. | ||
| But I never got to that. | ||
| I never got hit and had that happen to me, but having that halfway thing happen where your legs just stop, but you're awake and you know exactly what happened, it's such a weird feeling of vulnerability. | ||
| Like, I didn't even know that was there. | ||
| There's a button there. | ||
| I didn't even know it was there. | ||
| Like, you don't really know until you get cracked. | ||
| What is it that happens? | ||
| Is it a nerve that... | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, something. | ||
| I mean, I've explained it, and then I had someone correct me and say, that's not scientifically correct. | ||
| Which, shocker. | ||
| Bro science. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| What about something happens when you get punched in the jaw that your jaw rattles up against your spine? | ||
| They go, well, not really. | ||
| I'm like, well, okay, well, what does happen? | ||
| Is it the spin of the head? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| That makes sense, because that's one thing. | ||
| Like, what happens if you get clipped, you notice that people's jaws, their head fucking bounces around a lot on the impact. | ||
| Like, if you get caught with a really good body shot, you get dropped, right? | ||
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| You get hit and you get dropped. | ||
| Your body's kind of absorbing all the shock of that punch. | ||
| But your head, when your head absorbs it, your shit just swivels around your neck. | ||
| When you think about it, your head is like the worst thing you could ever hit. | ||
| This thing is barely connected. | ||
| It's all wobbly and shit. | ||
| The bones, there's like little stacks of bones. | ||
| It's not a big bone. | ||
| It's not like a big-ass thigh bone that connects my fucking head to my neck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what's all with this shitty vertebrae stuff where there's gooey gel in between pieces of bone? | ||
| What? | ||
| What a shit idea. | ||
| Whose plan is this? | ||
| Who made this? | ||
| I've been knocked unconscious a couple times now that I think about it. | ||
| I remember talking about this at one time, how many concussions is normal? | ||
| I think I've had like ten concussions. | ||
| That's not normal. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| At least seven. | ||
| I probably have a bunch that I was in denial about. | ||
| Because in sparring, you'd get hit in the head all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Young Jamie. | |
| Bringeth the beer. | ||
| Sparring, you get hit in the head all the time. | ||
| Sometimes you get rocked. | ||
| And if you're sparring and you get rocked, what does constitute a concussion? | ||
| Sometimes people have concussions and they don't even have a bad sparring day. | ||
| They go home and then they start throwing up and they feel weird. | ||
| They go to the doctor and the doctor goes, you're concussed. | ||
| And they don't even remember the shot. | ||
| They don't even remember what got them. | ||
| Just for whatever reason. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| The... | ||
| For whatever reason, you know, that can happen to you. | ||
| I threw up when I got a concussion. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's super common, right? | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Yeah, I threw up. | ||
| I was in Raleigh Massimino basketball camp, and I got knocked unconscious. | ||
| I went up for a rebound, and they pulled my feet out, and I landed on my head. | ||
| I was like 13. I had to go to the Bryn Mawr General Hospital, and I was in a wheelchair. | ||
| They wouldn't let me get out of the wheelchair and walk. | ||
| And I was like, I'm fine! | ||
| And I was just a little loopy, and then I just started throwing up. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not sick. | ||
| I don't know why I'm throwing up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, you don't want to ever admit that you're fucked up when you hit your head. | ||
| Dudes are like, I'm fine. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| By the way, my parents didn't even... | ||
| I don't even know if my parents called me. | ||
| Like, I look back at that and I go, I wonder if they, like, as a parent of a 12-year-old, I would lose my shit if my kid was in Philadelphia and she got a concussion. | ||
| I'd be on a fucking plane tomorrow. | ||
| Well, also, when someone gets a concussion like that, you gotta really keep an eye on them for quite a while. | ||
| They kept me up. | ||
| They put me in the rectory. | ||
| Why do they keep you awake? | ||
| What's the logic behind that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They wake up like every hour. | ||
| I think because you don't want to fall asleep and go to sleep forever. | ||
| Ooh, you mean die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you're cheating the reaper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or are you? | ||
| See, that's the question. | ||
| The people that died, I mean, would they have died if they stayed awake too? | ||
| Is this just, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They put me with the priests and fucking, I know. | ||
| I just had a head injury. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| What's it like hanging out with priests? | ||
| I never really enjoyed it. | ||
| I just hung out with a lot of priests too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I raised my eyebrows. | ||
| You know, it's so funny. | ||
| I could probably get... | ||
| I'm like oblivious. | ||
| You ever see those movies where the shark's in the water and the people are swimming and dancing and having a good time? | ||
| And then you're like, oh, it's going to get it. | ||
| It's going to get it. | ||
| And then they just get out and they're like, hey, let's go do something else now. | ||
| And they don't get attacked. | ||
| But I was probably like that with molestation. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm certain of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So it just barely missed you every time? | ||
| I would have been a mark. | ||
| Like, a molester's wet dream. | ||
| Because I was just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've always attracted those people in my life, too. | ||
| Like, people that take advantage of people? | ||
| Molesters must have had spots on me. | ||
| I remember watching a kid get molested one time. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Not like molested, but like it was definitely an assault. | ||
| We were in a kid's camp, a Baptist kid's camp. | ||
| And I remember we were all in our bunk beds and it was lights out and all of a sudden the lights came on. | ||
| And they're like, these two counselors are like, hog tying time! | ||
| And everyone's like, Seth, run! | ||
| And this one kid, I mean, they just came down the bunks. | ||
| I had no idea what was going on. | ||
| This one kid came running, and they grabbed him, and they flipped him over. | ||
| They had a rope, and they hog tied him, and ripped his underwear off him, and then brought him into the shower. | ||
| And we all went into the shower, and then they had him in the shower, and they were like, what you gonna do, Seth? | ||
| And they're like, it was fucking creepy. | ||
| Like, they didn't touch his dick or finger his butt or anything, but just the fact that he was tied up, And like... | ||
| And they're throwing them in the shower. | ||
| And threw them in the shower. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| I remember going, Jesus Christ, note to self, hide when they say hog tying. | ||
| I went to camp. | ||
| By the way, those same two guys that did that to them taught me archery. | ||
| Oh, savages. | ||
| I went to camp with these kids that tied this kid up. | ||
| They tied this kid up in his bed and they took his bunk, his little cot, he had a little cot, and they carried it out and he woke up as they were taking him outside. | ||
| It was pitch black outside too. | ||
| Pitch black. | ||
| And you couldn't see a fucking inch in front of your face. | ||
| And they took this kid deep into the woods with a cot. | ||
| The kid's yelling, put me back, put me back. | ||
| They covered all this shit with toothpaste. | ||
| Apparently toothpaste, at least some toothpaste, does not wash out of your clothes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or if it does, it takes like a tremendous effort. | ||
| So this guy squirted toothpaste all over this guy's clothes and rubbed it in. | ||
| This fucking piece of shit, kids. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Kids away from their parents for the first time. | ||
| And just a few weird counselors. | ||
| I remember I had this conversation with this counselor. | ||
| You know, I guess, what do you call him? | ||
| Boy Scout leader is a scout leader. | ||
| He's like an Eagle Scout. | ||
| And the kid was 18, which is like the last year that he could be a Boy Scout, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he and I were hanging out. | ||
| And he was talking to me about all his time and the Boy Scouts and all the things he learned. | ||
| And now they're kind of kicking him out. | ||
| Because you can't be in the Boy Scouts when you're not a fucking boy loser. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Boy Scouts are weird that way. | ||
| And I started to realize, like, this is the dude at the end of his career. | ||
| Like, it's over for you. | ||
| You're an Eagle Scout. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did your shit. | |
| You peaked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You peaked. | |
| You peaked at 18. But this was a huge part of his life. | ||
| I mean, he had all these merit badges and shit all over his clothes. | ||
| And they were telling him, son, you gotta fucking stop. | ||
| You gotta stop with your fantasy world, with your badges and your fucking ropes around your shoulder. | ||
| What are those ropes? | ||
| Those little, uh, I don't know. | ||
| Captain's ropes, don't they have those? | ||
| Don't they have those little ropes? | ||
| What the fuck's that rope all about? | ||
| What are you doing there? | ||
| I would have definitely got molested if I was Boy Scouts. | ||
| There was an article I wrote. | ||
| It's funny how you read things when you're a little kid. | ||
| Like, I think I was maybe 14 or 15 when I read this. | ||
| Some guy wrote it in a school newspaper in Newton South High School. | ||
| So he was talking about the things that they make you say when you're a Boy Scout. | ||
| I promise to be trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean, and reverent, or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's honest, trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean, and reverent. | ||
| I think those are the commandments, if I remember correctly. | ||
| Maybe there's more of that. | ||
| But they were describing them, and they were describing keeping your thoughts clean. | ||
| And this guy who wrote an article was another high school kid. | ||
| It's really, really good point. | ||
| He's like, my mind is, I can have whatever thoughts I want. | ||
| Like, as long as I don't do anything about them. | ||
| Like, why should you try to control my thoughts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like, he's right. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| Like, what is this think clean? | ||
| Like, why can't you think terrible, dirty things because it amuses you? | ||
| You know? | ||
| As long as I'm not hurting anybody. | ||
| Well, then what is the point, like... | ||
| Like, I've never once thought about fucking a kid. | ||
| But like, are there people that legit think that? | ||
| Like, they must think that. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They think that... | ||
| Like, I don't have to control my thoughts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's absolutely people that are attracted to children. | ||
| And then, so... | ||
| Obviously, there is something to blame anyone that does that to a child. | ||
| But how then do you stop their brains? | ||
| That's what their brain's doing. | ||
| They're not doing it on purpose, but their brain's going... | ||
| That's the the real debate when it comes to like when Neuroscientists try to analyze different types of behavior destructive behaviors What when you can look at any type of horrible destructive behavior You get to that one where you literally don't even want to help them. | ||
| And that's the one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get gambling and alcoholism and even being prone to violence and all the different things. | ||
| There's all sorts of different therapies and different ways that people would try to move you away from that. | ||
| But I got to imagine there's very few therapies that anybody wants to invest in to try to get someone to stop fucking kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't have any tolerance for that at all. | ||
| I mean, this is a really volatile question to say, but is it their fault? | ||
| Well, it's a real good question. | ||
| And it's so easy to say, of course it is. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| You're having sex with kids, you piece of shit. | ||
| It's so easy to say that. | ||
| And in a way, you're right for saying that. | ||
| You're right for thinking that. | ||
| Because you're angry, because what they're doing is terrible. | ||
| They're ruining lives. | ||
| We all know that. | ||
| But I think human beings are just a combination of experiences and genetics and an environment and all the data that comes into them and The decisions that you make based on all those things they're not even like your your life experience is way different than my life experience and I don't know what happened to him when he was a baby and made him this monster this 45 year old guy who was Jared Yeah, yeah like Jared. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what happened to him, you know Who the fuck knows what torture he endured when he was young? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Maybe he's just a bad person? | ||
| That's a possibility too. | ||
| I'm not discounting that. | ||
| What is it about that one thing in particular that we don't have any faith whatsoever that you can ever completely get it out of your system? | ||
| Well, you never could. | ||
| That would be like trying to carry me from being straight. | ||
| You say that, right? | ||
| But isn't that crazy that there's no biological imperative there? | ||
| You know, like there's no biological pull to have sex with little kids, right? | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's just a crazy fucked up perversion. | ||
| It's not like saying you can never be with a woman again. | ||
| You can never feel a woman's touch again. | ||
| It's more like saying you can't gamble again. | ||
| Or more like saying, I'm not going to gamble. | ||
| There's something like a crazy perverted sexual attraction connection that they're having with people that they shouldn't, like young people, right? | ||
| Where's that coming from? | ||
| And if it's coming from them being victimized, and that's what a lot of it is. | ||
| A lot of it is coming from them being victimized when they're young and they in turn start victimizing other people. | ||
| It's the most common form of how they think pedophilia actually travels back and forth, almost like a disease. | ||
| It's really fucked up. | ||
| It's like a disease of the mind. | ||
| Like you could give it to somebody. | ||
| Fuck with their sexuality if you think about it if you molest again if you molest kids and You if you look at all these guys that wind up being molesters a lot of them were molested as kids It's horrible man, so and obviously a lot of them don't do that and don't have the urge to do that but there's something that happens to some of them where it becomes this really fucked up thing that just keeps passing on from person to person from victim to victim and Which is a horrible stigmatization if you've been molested because you assume | ||
| if you tell people, then everyone will think you're going to be molesting kids. | ||
| What a weird thing it must be to have that impulse, too. | ||
| An impulse that you know is horrible. | ||
| I'm so glad I don't have that. | ||
| Because I cannot control my brain. | ||
| I definitely think massively horrible fucking thoughts. | ||
| But that has never crept in there. | ||
| To the point where I think, I can't imagine what draw it is to... | ||
| What draw it would be to be with a child? | ||
| It's not a draw. | ||
| There's something broken, man. | ||
| Some crazy disconnect in your mind. | ||
| I mean, I look at sexuality and I look at, I would like to be with someone, I would like to share a moment with someone accomplished. | ||
| That knows what they're doing. | ||
| I would hate to instruct someone. | ||
| I would never want to sleep. | ||
| You say that, but do you remember that movie Ten with Bo Derek? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty hot, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Imagine Bo Derek and for whatever reason, she's been on an island for the first 24 years of her life and she's never seen a man. | ||
| And finally, you and her meet and you're hanging out. | ||
| It's gonna be the night, but she doesn't know what to do. | ||
| I think you'd fucking help her out. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| I think you'd show her the way. | ||
| And I'd definitely tell her a bunch of how it works, like, hey, when I'm done, oh my god, look at that. | ||
| She's so pretty. | ||
| What's interesting is that book Lolita. | ||
| What is that book? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I read it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to say I... I don't know I read it. | |
| I think I read it in Russian. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| I swear to god. | ||
| Can you speak fluent Russian? | ||
| No, I can understand Russian, though. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now, how much can you read? | ||
| None anymore. | ||
| Oh, you used to be able to? | ||
| Yeah, I used to because it's a different alphabet, and I can't read it at all anymore. | ||
| And I thought I would be able to pick it up a little bit. | ||
| I have a diary written in Russian. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, when I was backpacking through Europe, because we were all traveling together after Russia, I was keeping a journal, and I was just writing in Russian, because I could be on the train and I could write whatever I want, and no one could really... | ||
| Read what I wrote. | ||
| It was a very simple journal. | ||
| Today it meets. | ||
| I like riding bikes. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Those kind of life experiences are... | ||
| To go into the place where they write those things and learn how to write in that language and write your own little blog and speak with those people, that's a crazy life experience, man. | ||
| That's very enriching. | ||
| I've been telling this story on stage now of riding motorcycles in Vietnam through rice paddies. | ||
| Oh, when I called you on the phone? | ||
| Yeah, it's a great story because we had been drinking and smoking hash when I was riding the motorcycles, and you called, and I was listening to music, and it snapped me into reality. | ||
| And you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| And I told you, and you're like, dude, this is fucking Burt. | ||
| This is what it's about. | ||
| It was a very pivotal speech in the way I looked at that show, because you're like, these experiences, fuck the show, these experiences define you, and you need to talk about this on stage. | ||
| You were like, literally, Think about, look around, remember your surroundings, and bring this up on stage. | ||
| And I was like, I will. | ||
| And then I was like, fuck yeah. | ||
| And the sun was setting, and it was fucking beautiful, and there's oxen in the rice paddies, and there's birds, and I'm listening to Spanish Caravan by the doors, and I'm fucking flying. | ||
| And now, I just had this conversation with you, and I'm looking at my shadow in front of me, racing me. | ||
| And that's my childhood, and that's my, and I'm like, oh, this is the greatest thing ever. | ||
| It was like, and then my wife called. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I was like, it worked so well with Joe, we'll try it with her. | ||
| And she was like, get off the fucking bike! | ||
| You have high blood pressure. | ||
| But yeah, that's the hardest part is telling these stories on stage. | ||
| Two totally different reactions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It would be great if she coached you on, ride on, birth to conquer! | ||
| You are the machine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
She screams at you, you are the machine! | |
| I got the audio. | ||
| I told it to Jay Oakerson. | ||
| It's so funny because they're like, Rogan's your spirit! | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I got the audio. | ||
| I was going to post it and have someone animate it. | ||
| But yeah, I'm trying to write about those experiences now on this new hour. | ||
| And it's just, it's really fun. | ||
| But you know what, man? | ||
| When you told me to tell the machine story on stage, I learned so much about the art of storytelling and the art of stand-up meshed together. | ||
| The hardest part is that I remember how long it took to get that story good, and every story starts with only one little funny part, and you've just got to do it all the fucking time. | ||
| You've just got to figure it out and work it out and knead it out and tell it as many times as you can. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you've got to figure out what to cut out to, maybe a better way to describe what was happening. | ||
| You know, there's an art to it. | ||
| Some people are just geniuses at it. | ||
| Some people will tell a story and you just go, you just can't wait. | ||
| Can't wait to hear what happens next. | ||
| Some people, they're pacing too. | ||
| Joey Diaz will slow everything down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dog, let me tell you something. | |
| 1986, North Bergen, New Jersey. | ||
| It's me and Peter Ham sandwich. | ||
| And it'll go into this fucking... | ||
| I mean, it's like you're a little kid. | ||
| You're like, give me the popcorn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His father always carried a comb in his back pocket. | |
| He'd comb out with his gimp hand. | ||
| He'd comb his hair. | ||
| Do you remember those combs you used to have with the little pointy things would break off? | ||
| You'd only have like... | ||
| You'd have like two fangs and then you'd be missing a fang. | ||
| Then you'd have the other fangs. | ||
| You'd be missing a fang. | ||
| You'd have to kind of like move your hair around with it. | ||
| The fucking part where it doesn't work. | ||
| The thing I was telling, I was telling Steve-O this. | ||
| I just had Steve-O on my podcast, and we were talking about being in comedy and being at the clubs. | ||
| The thing that it is, is that often the funniest thing you say, you don't realize you're being funny. | ||
| Sometimes, right? | ||
| Yeah, and when you have your friends around to be like, hey, is that a bit? | ||
| And you're like, no, I feel silly for saying it. | ||
| They're like, no, that's good. | ||
| Like, Joey, and that is what's great about Joey. | ||
| I swear to God when I say, I have been with him where he's said the funniest things that no one could write. | ||
| You'll never be able to find this structure and write it. | ||
| Yeah, I'll take another one too. | ||
| Thanks, Jamie. | ||
| And you just are like... | ||
| Like he said on my podcast one time, I go, I have a big dog. | ||
| He's like, dog, I don't trust dogs. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| And he goes, Birdcracker, when I first came to this country, I got attacked by dogs five times. | ||
| The last dog walked past me and then came back to bite me. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| And he just has a flat look on his face. | ||
| He's not trying to run a bit. | ||
| He's just telling you his life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just funny. | ||
| Joey just knows how to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told him I... That's a cool guy to live near. | |
| It's the best. | ||
| When those homeless people were breaking into my house, Joey drove by every night. | ||
| How many homeless people broke into your house? | ||
| A couple. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because we're under construction. | ||
| We're renovating. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, first one broke in... | ||
| Zombies. | ||
| Very fucking similar. | ||
| You can't scare them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was sitting. | ||
| We had dinner at my sister's house. | ||
| The girls went inside. | ||
| Everything's under construction. | ||
| We got like a big dumpster out front. | ||
| It looks like it's under construction. | ||
| And I'm sitting off to the side, smoking a cigar in the darkness. | ||
| And this girl just starts walking in, walking up the driveway, starts to go into our backyard, and I see her and I'm like, wait, do I know? | ||
| I must know her. | ||
| It's a weird thing when you get robbed, that you're like, it's like a, such a confrontation that you're like, like, have you ever been like, been in a confrontation and someone's like, hey man, and you're like, oh, I must know this person, hi! | ||
| And then they attack you and you're like, oh, fuck! | ||
| This is how it starts. | ||
| That was what happened. | ||
| This girl was just going to her backyard. | ||
| I go, we must know her. | ||
| And I go, can I help you? | ||
| And then she was like, oh, hey. | ||
| And she said something like, I work for the DWP or some child's organization, something. | ||
| And I was like, no, this is, this is, you're breaking into my backyard. | ||
| And I start fucking shouting at her. | ||
| And she just keeps walking towards me. | ||
| She's not fucking scared at all. | ||
| Priscilla is a 130 pound bull mastiff. | ||
| A beast of a fucking dog is going at her. | ||
| Like leaping at her. | ||
| And all this keeping up is a little tiny like dog fence that we had in our front yard at the time. | ||
| Fearless. | ||
| This woman was, you couldn't shake her. | ||
| I think a heroin addict probably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, motherfuckers, we call the cops. | ||
| And then the cops show up. | ||
| Everyone shits on cops. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| They showed up in three minutes. | ||
| They were there in three minutes. | ||
| The woman had already taken off. | ||
| I told them where she went. | ||
| And the guy's like, yeah, there's a new heroin dealer in town. | ||
| A lot of junkies and homeless people are going to be loitering around here until we stop that. | ||
| But he's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| And I look, and both my daughters are in the doorway, and they're looking out. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, man. | ||
| I tell the cops, I go, do you mind if the girls come down for like two seconds and you just let them know that there's nothing to worry about? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, not at all. | ||
| I go, girls, come on down. | ||
| So George and I had come down and they had lollipops and they had put notes on it that said, you are our heroes. | ||
| And they gave them to the cops. | ||
| I'm going to talk about a heart fucking breaking moment. | ||
| These cops were like, ladies, well, first of all, we will be circling this box all night Nothing's happened to this house. | ||
| We will keep an extra good eye out in this house. | ||
| And Georgia starts pulling up my shirt. | ||
| She's like, Dad, let's go. | ||
| Dad, let's go. | ||
| I was like, hold on, Georgia. | ||
| He's not done. | ||
| And she's like, Dad, Dad, I think we should go to the house. | ||
| And I was like, Georgia, it's fine. | ||
| Finally, the guy gives a speech, and we walk back to the house. | ||
| And I was wearing this shirt, and she goes, you are wearing a marijuana shirt. | ||
| I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Cops don't give a fuck. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about pot. | ||
| They want more people on pot. | ||
| Everybody just relax. | ||
| What was bringing the homeless people was we had a port-a-potty in our front yard. | ||
| Do you know anybody that's ever shot the heroin? | ||
| Actually shot it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's what Hedberg used to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know him well, though. | ||
| I mean, that was when he had gotten gangrene in, I think it was 2003, Stan Hope. | ||
| Pulled me aside to tell me that he was in the hospital and Hedberg was like his leg was really fucked up and they were worried he was going to lose his leg because he had gangrene from shooting in the same spot. | ||
| But I didn't know him well. | ||
| He was more of a friend to Stanhope, but as a comic, I was a huge fan. | ||
| Well, as a person, I was a huge fan of his. | ||
| But as a comic, I really respected him. | ||
| He was a great comic. | ||
| Yeah, just interesting, too. | ||
| And really unique. | ||
| And he just always made me laugh. | ||
| And I always enjoyed his... | ||
| He had such an absurd style. | ||
| It made you giggly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was so unique. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he liked that heroin, I guess. | ||
| Did you hear the reference? | ||
| Stan Hope made a Mitch Hedberg reference last night. | ||
| No, I didn't hear it. | ||
| Dufresne, party of three. | ||
| Dufresne, party of three. | ||
| What happened to the Dufresnes? | ||
| I say we start a search party. | ||
| Search party of four. | ||
| Yeah, his pacing and his style of talking. | ||
| It was the first comic that I ever heard say ain't, and it was poetic. | ||
| Man, I ain't even gonna do that. | ||
| Yeah, he had it down. | ||
| I would watch. | ||
| I would pay right now. | ||
| I'm not even joking. | ||
| If you said to me, I have a 30 for 30. You know what 30 for 30 is? | ||
| I have a 30 for 30 about Mitch Hedberg that's an hour and 20 minutes that covers all the real... | ||
| I'd pay easily $1,000 to watch it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Strong words. | ||
| I would... | ||
| I'm... | ||
| Man. | ||
| You got a price. | ||
| I find that shit interesting. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I wanted to do a series for Comedy Central where we had almost like a podcast, but where I would go to all the comics and I would have them tell me their best Attell story, their best Hedberg story, and then I'd compile it all into episodes about comics telling stories about Attell, comics telling stories about Mitch, comics telling stories about Stanhope. | ||
| Imagine if you did one with Stanhope, and everyone I had on my podcast, I just took five minutes aside and was like, tell me your best Doug Stanhope story, and then I just compiled that into a three-hour podcast. | ||
| And then let Doug listen to it, and then at the end of the story go, objection! | ||
| That would be a badass. | ||
| It would be badass. | ||
| Maybe I'll do that about Stanhope. | ||
| It's not a bad one. | ||
| I got a gang of stories, I'm sure. | ||
| He's always been a character. | ||
| I told a good Stanhope story to Marilyn Manson last night. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Oh, I take that back. | ||
| I told it on stage. | ||
| Isn't it weird hanging out with Marilyn Manson? | ||
| Very fucking bizarre. | ||
| It was odd. | ||
| I shook his hand in the process of shaking his hand. | ||
| I was like, oh shit, that's Marilyn Manson. | ||
| I walked in too, and Doug's like, Manson's in there. | ||
| And I think there was like, I was thinking of a guy from Bubba the Love Sponge or something. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| And then we walked in and I went, oh, that's Marilyn Manson. | ||
| And I just was like... | ||
| Super easy to talk to. | ||
| Really smart fucking dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he's a really good artist. | ||
| You ever see his work? | ||
| His art work? | ||
| When I worked at Barnes& Noble, his book came out. | ||
| His book, and I was just, I was like, he was from Florida, I was from Florida, so I read the book. | ||
| It's fucking really interesting. | ||
| It's an interesting way to write a book. | ||
| Like, a comic should do what he did. | ||
| He had a gallery opening or showing of his work, and I went to check it out. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| I mean, he's a super creative guy. | ||
| Very creative. | ||
| So you can kind of see how it... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I mean, that's really good stuff. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's beautiful art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he's really good. | ||
| It's bizarre, weird shit. | ||
| Look at that Hunter S. Thompson one he's got there. | ||
| He's got... | ||
| Look at that, the one to the left. | ||
| That's the Hunter S. Thompson one. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is fucking great. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He did a video... | ||
| He did a video that he released yesterday about cutting Donald Trump's head off. | ||
| Do you think he sells that as a print? | ||
| Yeah, I know he did a video about cutting Donald Trump's head off, and that is not going to fare well now. | ||
| I think that's illegal now, right? | ||
| Like, once someone's the president, I don't think you can make jokes about killing them. | ||
| You can't cut their heads off. | ||
| And then I was like, oh, I made a video, too. | ||
| It's a little different. | ||
| And I showed him mine, and it's me and a thong coming out of a port-a-potty. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| And he was like, he goes, he laughed. | ||
| He was like, oh, that's funny. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| And I was like, well, how much did it cost you to shoot yours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, he had a rubber head. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| That Hunter S. Thompson from Manson is fucking amazing. | ||
| I wonder if they have prints of that. | ||
| I bet you could call Marilyn Manson. | ||
| And ask him if he has a print of that? | ||
| That would be annoying. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Not from you. | ||
| It'd be annoying. | ||
| Somebody called me and said, how do I get your DVD? Amazon.com, stupid. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| A thinly veiled request? | ||
| That's why I'm not famous. | ||
| I call Marilyn Manson and go, do you know how I get one of your albums? | ||
| Just download it on iTunes. | ||
| People get mad. | ||
| There are some bands that you can't buy on iTunes, right? | ||
| Tool. | ||
| Maynard Scott? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Maynard Keenan. | ||
| Maynard Keenan. | ||
| Tool is, dude, the fucking... | ||
| The Tool album with Prison Sex on it is the greatest fucking album. | ||
| I love that album. | ||
| Top to bottom was one of my favorite albums. | ||
| That's when I got into Ecstasy and Coke in college. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That Prison Sex, I used to listen to that shit when I worked out. | ||
| That was like a weightlifting song. | ||
| You get fucking fired up, man. | ||
| Sober. | ||
| Good jams on that. | ||
| Man, that is a great fucking album. | ||
| That was a great podcast when you had him on. | ||
| Yeah, he's interesting. | ||
| He's a really interesting guy. | ||
| He's a very smart dude. | ||
| Almost too smart. | ||
| Cool boots. | ||
| He's got cool boots. | ||
| Always has cool boots. | ||
| He makes really good wine. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Really good wine. | ||
| I'm not, obviously, not a sommelier or anything like that, but I know what tastes good, and his shit tastes really good, and he knows so much about it. | ||
| You talk to him about it, the way he describes it, and explains the process, and he's super, super into it. | ||
| I'm fascinated by that guy. | ||
| Him, Marilyn Manson, what was the other guy, Trent Reznor? | ||
| There was a whole genre. | ||
| Now those guys turn into club DJs. | ||
| They turn into Diplo or Skrillex. | ||
| Back then they made albums. | ||
| Well, those guys make albums, don't they? | ||
| No, they do one song and release it. | ||
| And then they tour... | ||
| Do you ever follow... | ||
| Are you on Snapchat at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| Diplo on Snapchat is one of the most interesting lives a human could live. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He is in... | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| He is on private jets. | ||
| I met Diplo a long time ago before he was... | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he was famous, but he was going to do a show for Travel Channel. | ||
| And we went out, and he was so interested in hosting. | ||
| He's like, I really want to get into hosting. | ||
| Thank fucking God they didn't pick up his show. | ||
| He travels on private jets to Helsinki, then to Tokyo, then to Ibiza, then to... | ||
| I mean, he's in Vegas once a week with Skrillex. | ||
| They do a party. | ||
| And, like, it's the craziest fucking life, man. | ||
| He's just super balling. | ||
| He's super balling. | ||
| And he doesn't look like he spends a ton of money, other than private jets, but he seems like he's got his shit together. | ||
| He's a really sweet dude. | ||
| And they do a show in Vegas every week? | ||
| Him and Skrillex. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I watched on Viceland? | ||
| What's the TV show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Viceland? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Viceland? | ||
| On Noisy, the host, who I forgot his name, but he's a great host of Noisy. | ||
| He really is a fantastic host. | ||
| Speaking from a hosting perspective, very laissez-faire, casual host. | ||
| I wish I knew his name. | ||
| I'd give him a shout-out. | ||
| He went to Vegas for a weekend and partied with all those guys and just their lifestyle and how much money they make. | ||
| I mean, they were making, you know, and then I didn't even know that DJ AM, do you remember that guy? | ||
| He died of a heroin overdose, but he was in the plane crash. | ||
| He was a great fucking DJ. Like, a legit great DJ. And I was like, oh, I just thought he was some reality star. | ||
| I didn't know he could DJ. Like, he went on to Big Boy in the Morning, I think, and was the first person to do mashups of, like, Run DMC and Sweet Home Alabama. | ||
| And he was playing Sweet Home Alabama on the fucking Breakfast Club, and everyone's like, oh, shit! | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| I got really into that. | ||
| That's one of my wormholes that I went down was started googling everything about these DJs. | ||
| And then I end up watching a girl doing drums. | ||
| Have you seen these girls that do drums? | ||
| It's fucking baddest thing. | ||
| Well, isn't it interesting what shows have come to in Vegas? | ||
| Like what a thing used to be in Vegas is you would go to Vegas and you would see a band and you still do that a lot in Vegas, but More often than that, you have DJs, and these DJs, they have regular shows at these places. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do it all the time. | ||
| Would you take, would you, this is a silly question, would you take a, um, what are you looking for? | ||
| I was gonna give you a bottle, but you got it. | ||
| Would you take a residency somewhere? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think that would be as fun. | ||
| What if it, what if it was in LA? I think I'd like to do whatever the fuck I want to do. | ||
| I like doing it exactly how I'm doing it. | ||
| I don't want to do a resident. | ||
| I don't want to be required to be in one spot. | ||
| Because I'd like to schedule Phoenix one weekend, Boston another weekend. | ||
| I like to do it like that. | ||
| I don't like to do it where I have to be somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every week. | ||
| It's not a bad thing, but if you can have freedom, take freedom. | ||
| Always. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| What if they said, what if, hypothetically speaking, Bill Burr... | ||
| Doug Stanhope, myself, you, Fitzsimmons, did once a month in Vegas and did that show in Vegas. | ||
| Like that? | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I would commit to that. | ||
| I'd commit to that. | ||
| That would be so fun. | ||
| By the way, I'd definitely commit to that because I would be the one probably making sure dinner was ready for everybody. | ||
| But why do we have to fly to Vegas? | ||
| Why not do it here? | ||
| Why not do it exactly like we did last night? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, see, don't complicate shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, we're in the store. | ||
| We all live here. | ||
| Why the fuck are we flying somewhere else? | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes I complicate things just because I go, that would be fun for us all in hotel rooms. | ||
| Well, you're thinking about having a residency. | ||
| You want to be like Dean Martin and fucking Sammy Davis Jr. So badly. | ||
| The new Rat Pack, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Everybody wants to be the new Rat Pack. | ||
| This is the gang. | ||
| The gang's all here. | ||
| The bro pack. | ||
| The bro pack. | ||
| We're brewing out, bro. | ||
| Yeah, but doing a super show is that, you know, like what last night was like a podcast super show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should definitely do that more often. | ||
| That was so much fun. | ||
| It was like one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life. | ||
| It was so great because, like, when I did my 200th episode, I did it with Tom and Bill, and my man came and we smoked cigars, and halfway through I went, oh wait, I've had the ability to do something like this all the time, is have my friends come in together, and us just hang out and drink and bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, we could do that all the time. | ||
| But that last night was just... | ||
| I'll never... | ||
| I will, for the next week, I'll remember moments of that and just giggle. | ||
| I wish I was there for the Sarah Tiana-Bill Burr pornography fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm very bummed out that I had left when that was going down. | ||
| It would have been... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was an interesting debate. | |
| I think it all started with condoms and porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, people get weirder when it comes to watching people fuck. | ||
| Some people don't think you should be able to do it. | ||
| I'm into the weirdest shit now. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I broke my governor. | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| I'm fucking... | ||
| What are you, into choking? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I was into... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mascara? | |
| I got into quicksand porn for a second. | ||
| But you remember, we talked about that. | ||
| Some guys can't come unless the girl's mascara is covered with sweat from gag and tears. | ||
| That doesn't turn me on. | ||
| My big thing is close-up orgasms. | ||
| Close up. | ||
| You like them close up? | ||
| Yeah, because that's the way I see them in real life. | ||
| My wife is the one that fucked me up. | ||
| She was like, while I was watching someone, and it was like a guy, and the girl's gagging. | ||
| She was like, I don't fucking gag, and I was like, no shit. | ||
| And then she was like, oh my god. | ||
| And then she was like, she was like, she was like, yeah, but that's so funny that you'd watch something that you don't even do. | ||
| And I went, what do you mean? | ||
| She's like, you're watching something that's total fantasy. | ||
| Like, you have no attachment to that. | ||
| So it's almost like the sex you have is something totally different than what you masturbate to. | ||
| And I was like, that's a good fucking call. | ||
| So I tried to really dial it in to, like, what are the things that actually turn me on in real life? | ||
| And one of the things is, if my wife has an orgasm, I'm usually down there. | ||
| And that really turns me on. | ||
| When that happens, I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| So I got really into close-up orgasms. | ||
| I just got super uncomfortable. | ||
| So did the rest of the world. | ||
| Everybody listening went, Jesus, Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's another thing called downblowsing. | |
| Downblowsing? | ||
| Yeah, but it's very... | ||
| No, I'm being serious. | ||
| Type in downblowsing. | ||
| Like when a girl bend over to fix her shoe or something? | ||
| You look down her blouse and see her tits? | ||
| That's a genre of it, but the genre I got into, if you look on Pornhub, it's downblowsing, and it's just girls with loose-fitting shirts cleaning. | ||
| Which is the real, like that is something that I walk into the kitchen and my wife will be like doing the dishes in her pajama top shirt and you'll see like a side tit and you'll be like How's that go? | ||
| There's tigers in here! | ||
| There's a tiger in the city! | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| Look, look, look, look, look. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| And that's all it is. | ||
| Down blouser. | ||
| So it's like the women are working, and you see their tits accidentally while they're working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like 400,000 downloads. | ||
| So this girl is sitting there. | ||
| She's jiggling her tits back and forth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just pretending that she's working. | ||
| And usually they're talking to you, like about just mundane stuff. | ||
| God, I hate to clean. | ||
| I really want to suck some cock. | ||
| There's a lot of these. | ||
| Because it's moments that you get in real life when you see a woman's tit from a down blouse and you're like, whoa! | ||
| And it's not pervy. | ||
| You weren't doing it on purpose. | ||
| It's very pervy. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's a little pervy. | ||
| This is pervy as fuck. | ||
| It's like you can almost see your nipple, but not quite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I just saw it. | |
| I just saw it. | ||
| I just saw it. | ||
| How come this is on the YouTube? | ||
| If you could just see a nipple. | ||
| How come it's only got 16,000 down views? | ||
| People. | ||
| Oh, there's straight up nudity. | ||
| This is why we need Donald Trump. | ||
| Wait, that's straight up nudity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They haven't found it yet. | ||
| It's in the YouTube. | ||
| Well, that lady over on the right with her big boobs. | ||
| That looks like you can see her nipples too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know that race car video where the girl's top pops open? | ||
| She's in a sports car, and they're riding fast, and she's holding on, and then her top pops open? | ||
| There's something super sexy about that, and it's not watching a girl gagging a cock. | ||
| Look at that girl. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Jamie, what's going on? | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's like, you want to see my tits? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Psych. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Psych. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psych. | |
| It's like almost. | ||
| I'm gonna do an equivalent. | ||
| Down blousing. | ||
| An equivalent of this, but it's called down dicking. | ||
| Down dicking. | ||
| And it's just me. | ||
| You can barely see my dick. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's not bad, right? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| This girl. | ||
| Oh, and you keep going, come on, move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fall off to the side. | ||
| Yeah, down blousing's... | ||
| Brett, you're into some weird shit. | ||
| I had no shit. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Because I was watching regular porn, and then it just kind of escalated. | ||
| Truth be told, I was with a dominatrix one time, and she showed me some videos, and it was bizarre shit. | ||
| She showed me a video that I was like, I don't get it, but then I got it. | ||
| It was a girl in pantyhose, and she was by the pool, and her friend was spraying her with a hose. | ||
| And it wasn't even like that's all they were doing, but it just looked sexy. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, it doesn't have to be hardcore porn. | ||
| It can just be something hot. | ||
| Something where you're like, oh fuck. | ||
| And then I had that conversation with my wife, and I was like, yeah, I should find stuff that's more connective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Do you ever look at a girl in porn and you're like, how did she not... | ||
| How did she get in there? | ||
| Like, how come she just isn't being a model or an actress? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, she's so beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| There's a girl that gives massages. | ||
| Do you know who the girl I'm talking about? | ||
| She's got black hair. | ||
| I've watched a lot of... | ||
| I'm going to share this one time. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because, you know, they go, would you like to share this video on Facebook? | ||
| You're like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'm going to post it to my Facebook timeline. | ||
| Hey guys, guess what I was doing at 2 in the morning? | ||
| But there's a girl that gives massages and she's all in white. | ||
| She wears all white. | ||
| And she is so beautiful. | ||
| She might be as beautiful as Anne Hathaway. | ||
| She looks like Anne Hathaway, kind of. | ||
| If anyone knows this woman I'm talking about, send me a picture or just send it to Jamie. | ||
| Don't you think there's a bunch of them? | ||
| No, there's one girl specifically. | ||
| Who would have thunk that that would be a market that someone could corner? | ||
| The Massage on YouPorn. | ||
| She's got that down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoever thought Backroom Casting Couch would ever be a show? | ||
| That's a whole thing. | ||
| Oh, I watch just because I try to figure out if it's real or not. | ||
| I don't think it can be. | ||
| I think you have to sign papers. | ||
| No, but I watch it the same way I watch Magician. | ||
| Like, I'm waiting to see the trick. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I'm waiting to see her slip up and go, Dave, seriously? | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| How do you know my name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I think I'd recognize that guy in a locker room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Just from his voice and his hernia. | ||
| How strange that that is a genre. | ||
| Like, you're excited. | ||
| You're there with him while he's casting these girls. | ||
| Like, let me see what you can do. | ||
| Okay, now. | ||
| Should I do it now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Get on your knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like... | |
| You're alone in your hotel room. | ||
| He says the same verbiage every time. | ||
| So, I'm going to send this tape to casting directors. | ||
| But first, I'm going to need you to get naked and suck my dick. | ||
| And the look on her face, it comes at her so fast. | ||
| She's like, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| And I go, literally, if this is real, if this is real and it's casted, porn stars aren't that good. | ||
| Right, as an actor. | ||
| Yeah, as an actor, they're not that good. | ||
| Well, I'm sure if he's made a bunch of them over the years, he knows what he can do and not do. | ||
| So you could always get someone to sign the paper after you do all this stuff. | ||
| He should start a YouTube channel with all the fails. | ||
| All the people that walk out on him. | ||
| Yeah, but then you can't use their footage. | ||
| Or you could blur their face. | ||
| Yeah, blur their face. | ||
| I guess I want to see the... | ||
| You'd want to see the reaction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think you can do that. | ||
| There's like certain laws. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know the laws are different in different states, too. | ||
| Vegas, you can do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can do a lot of crazy shit in Vegas. | ||
| That's why they did cranky anchors there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| Shit, what's the... | ||
| Impractical Jokers? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| It's a funny fucking show. | ||
| I keep hearing it's really good. | ||
| I don't like prank shows, but it is a funny fucking prank show. | ||
| I've never been a fan of pranking people. | ||
| No, I'm a... | ||
| I'm a fan of Doug Stanhope, and Doug Stanhope's a fan of them, so I take it on by proxy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched it because of Stanhope. | ||
| I wouldn't watch it because I don't like prank shows, but it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Do you know who used to have a really fucking good prank show? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Jamie Kennedy. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I... Remember that show? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| The X something? | ||
| The X Factor. | ||
| X Factor. | ||
| No, no, not The X Factor. | ||
| The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And he used to say like you got exed or something like that at the end. | ||
| Didn't he say something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jamie Kennedy's an interesting guy because he is extremely fucking talented. | ||
| But he's not working right now. | ||
| I don't see him at least. | ||
| I saw him at the store the other day. | ||
| I didn't see his set though. | ||
| Yeah, you don't hear about him that much. | ||
| Was he on that show, that ghost show? | ||
| Ghost Whisperer show or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, because he started dating that girl. | ||
| That girl I think fucks everyone's head up. | ||
| Love. | ||
| What's her name again? | ||
| Jennifer Love Hewitt. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Man, I watched her Day in the Life on MTV, and it reeked of fucking crazy. | ||
| Like, reeked of crazy. | ||
| She was like, I bought you a present to her friend, and her friend's like, you don't need to buy me presents. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| She's like, I still want to buy you a present. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy did something. | ||
| I'm going to put this out to the listeners. | ||
| If you can find this for me, I swear to God, it would be the biggest gift in the world. | ||
| He did a show with Stu Stone. | ||
| Do you know the name of that show? | ||
| Stu Stone, it was called Making It or something. | ||
| They were rappers. | ||
| It was a scripted reality show. | ||
| It wasn't a reality show. | ||
| It was scripted, but it was about them wanting to be hip-hop stars. | ||
| It's called Blowing Up. | ||
| Blowing Up. | ||
| And so there's an episode where Jamie's doing a test. | ||
| He's going to do a TV show, a movie with Tracy Morgan. | ||
| And to do the screen test, he needs to get put in blackface. | ||
| He needs to be dressed as a black man. | ||
| So they dress him as a black man, and he gets all dressed up as a black guy. | ||
| And Tracy Morgan convinces him that he's very convincing as a black guy. | ||
| And that what he should do is him and Stu Stone should both get in face paint and look like black people, and then go down to the 3-6 Mafia show and freestyle for them, because as black men, the 3-6 Mafia will really appreciate it. | ||
| And Joe there is a moment where they're driving in a car to Long Beach addresses two black guys and they're talking to each other and they're like do you think this is a good idea? | ||
| Is there hidden cameras in the car? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And Jamie's like, I don't know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think? | |
| I mean, we're just going to Long Beach, right? | ||
| And then the other guy's like, isn't that where Snoop's from? | ||
| And then they go into the Three Six Mafia, and the Three Six Mafia's like, they start rapping and then he goes, "It's Jamie." And they're like, "Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You dressed as a black person?" And then they go out in front of a fucking audience, Joe. | |
| They go out on stage in front of all black people and rap! | ||
| And how good was it? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I could not stop laughing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen! | |
| And I saw Jamie Kennedy one time at the Ontario Improv, and I was like, dude, I gotta take two seconds and tell you how hard that made me laugh. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, you can't find it anywhere. | ||
| MTV dropped it and they burned it. | ||
| You can't get it. | ||
| Because he's in Blackface. | ||
| Because he's in Blackface. | ||
| He looks so much like a black man. | ||
| You can't even find an image, a screen grab of that online. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| But think how strange that is. | ||
| Like, I get it that it was from minstrel shows where white men would put on blackface and do these offensive representations of black men, but that's a different look. | ||
| When they were doing it, they were doing, like, this big thing where they were putting, like, white around their lips, and it was, like, really exaggerated. | ||
| Do you ever see that, uh, what's this guy's name, Al? | ||
| Al Jolson. | ||
| Al Jolson, thank you. | ||
| Remember when he would do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie, pull up some video of Al Jolson in blackface. | ||
| See if they take it off YouTube. | ||
| Do you think they take that shit down now? | ||
| Or do you think you can watch it? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| That actually might be in the public domain because it's like one of the first things. | ||
| But I would worry that it was offensive, that it violates their terms of service. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| It's already on YouTube. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Um, didn't Bill Cosby, like, take down the Little Rascals? | ||
| He owns the Little Rascals. | ||
| Bought the Little Rascals. | ||
| And tucked it away. | ||
| Yeah, but I hear the rapists are gonna start airing it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The people that got raped are getting them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They're gonna start airing them. | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| Look at Al Jolson. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Jamie, turn this up a little bit. | ||
| How crazy is this, man? | ||
| Mammy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My heartstrings are tangled around. | |
| Malibany. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I, I'm coming. | |
| I think this came out in 1927 or something. | ||
| I, I'm coming. | ||
| I hope and trust I'm not late. | ||
| I'm coming. | ||
| This lady's crying like he's moving into tears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
smiles, but one of your smiles on my mammy This is so crazy. | |
| He doesn't even do a good impression of a black guy. | ||
| Well, maybe black people are different in the 20s. | ||
| Yeah, but he's using the words. | ||
| That a black guy would use, but he's doing it as a white guy. | ||
| As a white guy, yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just really bizarre. | ||
| First of all, it's bizarre when you think that that was top of the food chain entertainment in 1927. So less than a hundred years ago. | ||
| Can you imagine if somebody went to a concert and the dude was wearing black paint with white stuff around his lips and he was singing that song? | ||
| You would think you were in some sort of a weird, abstract, modern performance art show. | ||
| You know, some weird, like, alt-hipster. | ||
| Vincent Gallo would do that now. | ||
| Something strange. | ||
| But then, he wasn't joking around. | ||
| That was like he was trying to, like, be, what a wonderful song, Al. | ||
| What a wonderful song. | ||
| Like, those people were apes. | ||
| Like, just from 1927. They were so goofy that that was fun for them. | ||
| They're like, we're gonna go see the Al Jolson movie. | ||
| That Al Jolson's a hell of an entertainer. | ||
| I love when he sings. | ||
| He's got a beautiful voice. | ||
| He sounds just like them. | ||
| It was the first talkie. | ||
| That was the first talkie? | ||
| The first movie was Synchronized Sound. | ||
| That one was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they had just all silent films until then. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So that guy must have been ballin'. | ||
| I bet he was slinging that makeup-covered dick all over town. | ||
| I bet there was a part of him that was like... | ||
| Do I need to put the makeup on? | ||
| Yeah, they probably wouldn't know who he was without the makeup. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That would suck. | ||
| They're like Gene Simmons. | ||
| If you had the Kiss makeup on, you went to a bar, they wouldn't know what's up. | ||
| I remember watching him in that first movie that he did with Tom Selleck with the spiders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And I was like, oh shit, that's Gene Simmons? | ||
| Yeah, he was a bad guy in a few movies. | ||
| He's still a bad guy. | ||
| He's a fucking asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck him. | |
| I hate Gene Simmons. | ||
| We've covered this. | ||
| Yeah, you had a bad experience with him, right? | ||
| Yeah, fuck him, yeah. | ||
| He blocked me now. | ||
| On Twitter, he blocked you? | ||
| He blocked me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was the height of his good-lookingness. | ||
| Did you ever have... | ||
| Tom Selleck. | ||
| Powerful Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons. | ||
| Did I ever have what? | ||
| Did you ever have... | ||
| This is going to sound crazy. | ||
| Maybe this was just Florida. | ||
| But did you ever have people dressed in blackface for parties and stuff? | ||
| For Halloween? | ||
| I'm sure I probably saw it when I was young, for sure. | ||
| I'm trying to remember a specific instance. | ||
| I can't really. | ||
| Like that was a popular costume when I was a kid, was being a black person. | ||
| Okay, you know what I remember a dude did? | ||
| He played Mr. T. Yeah? | ||
| So that was a common one, and they would wear blackface, and they would put a bunch of gold chains on Mr. T. And you put, not shoe polish, but black paint all over your face? | ||
| Yeah, and you'd have a fake mohawk. | ||
| In college, we used to have a social called, we had a couple socials, we had a social called Pimbs Up, Hoes Down, where everyone would just dress like black people. | ||
| I mean, it's so politically incorrect, but that's, you know, I don't think anyone had the insight. | ||
| We had a social called Unga-Gunga-Bulunga, and I remember I was the one that organized it, and I handed out, like, makeup so people could put war paint on, and one girl, the guy just took a picture, just has, just put it on black stuff all over her face. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And he was like, I remember her walking out when we just, we meant to share that paint. | ||
| Just covered herself with it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a picture on my Facebook of it, I swear to God. | |
| She posted it herself. | ||
| She's like, I remember this party. | ||
| I was like, why would you post it of yourself? | ||
| How bizarre. | ||
| I remember when Ted Danson did it, and everyone was like, oh, you're not supposed to do that? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He was like the last white guy to try blackface. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like publicly try it. | ||
| The backlash was terrible. | ||
| And he thought he'd get away with it because he was dating Whoopi Goldberg. | ||
| And I think he told a bunch of black-centric jokes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like racist jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Ted Danson. | ||
| Weren't they like N-word jokes? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do we have transcripts of his act? | ||
| There's probably a video of it. | ||
| No, I know there's a picture. | ||
| I guarantee there's a video of that shit. | ||
| No, that's not when people didn't have videos back then. | ||
| Or if you took a video- I remember watching it. | ||
| Oh, for real? | ||
| Yeah, I remember watching it. | ||
| I remember watching a video of it. | ||
| I think they filmed that event. | ||
| It was for the Friars Club, right? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, it is a weird ethnic group that you're not allowed to be Asian, and you're not allowed to be a black guy. | ||
| But if you're a white guy, you can become a redhead. | ||
| Nobody will get upset. | ||
| Nobody will get upset. | ||
| If you were black, you could dress in a white face, and no one would care. | ||
| 100% no one cares. | ||
| But if you're black, you can't be a Chinese guy. | ||
| That's offensive. | ||
| And if you're a Chinese guy, you can't pretend to be black. | ||
| That's offensive, too. | ||
| I used to live with this girl from Peru, and one Halloween, when I moved to New York, this was probably 1998, 1999, and I went into her room at Halloween, and she was dressed like a Puerto Rican, but she was Peruvian. | ||
| And she was like, she's like, all the horrible stereotypes that you would say would be the things that lowest common denominator of Puerto Rican women would do, she had all over her. | ||
| And I was like, Val, you can't do that. | ||
| And she was like, why not? | ||
| It's a good costume, right? | ||
| And I was like, no, those people exist and we'll be around them tonight. | ||
| Like, can you imagine if someone dressed as one as Valerie? | ||
| And she was like, it wouldn't bother me. | ||
| I go, yeah, because you have a good job and stuff. | ||
| Like, this poor person's getting handed by life every night and you're dressing as them? | ||
| Culture appropriation. | ||
| What did you think about that Amy Schumer cultural appropriation? | ||
| What about it? | ||
| Oh, you didn't? | ||
| Did you know about it? | ||
| No, what are you talking about? | ||
| Her and Goldie Hawn did a video of them singing a Beyonce song, but it's I guess it's the politicized Beyonce song? | ||
| Okay, they shot a cover of them doing a Beyonce song and fucking the internet or Went after her in a hard fucking way. | ||
| Amy Schumer and who was with her? | ||
| Goldie Hawn. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they're trying to be funny? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| I mean, it's not very funny. | ||
| It's funny, I guess, if you like for... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the audience went after her because Beyonce's black? | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| And the song is about black women. | ||
| It's called Formation. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And it's about... | ||
| It's the song she did at the Super Bowl where she stepped up on the cop car and Lonnie Love went after her. | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| She was like, I don't know, you can find the Lonnie Love clip, but Lonnie Love starts crying in it. | ||
| She's like, yeah, how dare you take that from us? | ||
| It's not your story. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cultural appropriation is interesting because I've kind of been guilty of it my whole life because I love hip-hop. | ||
| Isn't that being a hip-hop fan? | ||
| When does it become cultural appropriation? | ||
| Like, when you cover someone's song? | ||
| It's cultural appropriation? | ||
| Doesn't that sound weird? | ||
| I guess if you're pretending that that's your life that you're talking about, but clearly she's not, right? | ||
| She's just having fun singing a song that Beyonce sings because she's a fan, I guess? | ||
| Isn't that the idea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like they're having fun. | ||
| Just doing it for the fuck of it. | ||
| I mean, I'm looking at this, I'm seeing people being silly. | ||
| What are we really getting offended by? | ||
| We're getting offended by this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wanda Sykes is in it. | ||
| They were really offended. | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| Not only did I not care, I couldn't sit through the video. | ||
| Well, they're just being silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it looks to me like they're just having fun. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| If people are really upset about that, like, come on. | ||
| I guess there's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think we're finding way too many things to be upset with lately. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Now that Trump is in office. | ||
| Make all the fucking videos you want. | ||
| You know what it is, man? | ||
| This is everybody getting a voice. | ||
| Everybody getting a voice. | ||
| The world has a voice. | ||
| And they're looking for things to be upset by. | ||
| And they see this, and they go, I think this is wrong. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You know, and they just decide they're gonna go after her. | ||
| You can't take that from us. | ||
| Like, um, she didn't. | ||
| She made her own copy of a video. | ||
| She made, like, a parody video. | ||
| People do it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's not like you can't still watch the Beyonce one. | ||
| And, by the way, if you don't like this, you can make fun of it. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's got two million downloads. | ||
| Good. | ||
| But people getting upset by it, not good. | ||
| Or good. | ||
| Like, go ahead, get upset by it. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, it gets real weird. | ||
| You know, it used to be you could dress like a cowboy and an Indian. | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| A girl cannot be Pocahontas anymore. | ||
| If you're Pocahontas, they'll accuse you of cultural appropriation. | ||
| That used to be a popular Halloween costume. | ||
| Can't do it, bitch. | ||
| You are not native. | ||
| How dare you, you offensive piece of shit. | ||
| You cisgendered, white-privileged asshole. | ||
| God dang. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember when you get dressed as a bum? | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that anymore. | ||
| Cultural appropriation of homeless people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we're way too sensitive, but that's how this guy got elected. | ||
| That is. | ||
| It's a big part of it. | ||
| Big part of it. | ||
| There's a bunch of factors. | ||
| It's not one. | ||
| Bunch of different reasons got him elected. | ||
| But part of it is because we're tired. | ||
| People are tired. | ||
| My friend Matt sent me something that's so hilarious. | ||
| This is a real thing that was on Tumblr, where someone was talking about cultural appropriation in terms of learning languages, and that unless you're Chinese, you shouldn't learn Chinese because it's cultural appropriation. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Pro tip. | ||
| By the way, anybody who says pro tip is a douchebag. | ||
| Unless you're joking around and you say pro tip. | ||
| Pro tip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you say something that's really stupid. | ||
| Pro tip. | ||
| Don't learn a language if you do not come from the language bearers. | ||
| What? | ||
| The language bear. | ||
| The bear of the language. | ||
| I.E. don't learn French unless you're French. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If you're not French. | ||
| Don't learn Chinese if you're not Chinese. | ||
| Don't learn Icelandic if you're not Icelandic. | ||
| It just appropriates culture more. | ||
| That's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Because it's so silly. | ||
| It's so silly, I really think that's how guys like President Trump get into office. | ||
| Dude, I'll tell you what. | ||
| Obviously, I voted for Hillary, but I get angry. | ||
| Like, the way the guys who voted for Trump must feel... | ||
| I get angry when I see stuff that's just absurd. | ||
| Like, there's a video that I doubt you've seen, but your name's in it, so I thought you were in it, so I clicked it, and basically it's a social justice warrior going to an open mic and doing stand-up. | ||
| But instead of doing stand-up, he just keeps repeating, your jokes are not funny. | ||
| The insults hurled are real. | ||
| These are real. | ||
| And it's like, I think it's got you in... | ||
| Jim Norton are in the title of it. | ||
| Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Social Justice Worries Stand Up. | ||
| And I was like, I came up with my feed on the side. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So he's just using the stage to yell out that people shouldn't tell jokes because they're not funny? | ||
| Yeah, that any joke intended to harm, any joke that has someone else as a target is harmful. | ||
| And that any joke about anything, like racial, sexual, I guess that comedy's not funny, I don't really know. | ||
| Did you see the, do you know the video? | ||
| Dude, don't even give it any attention. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna, but you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it's it's and I was like it's fucking that you get you're in bed You're like then you're sitting upright. | ||
| You're like this fucking this fucking idiot Fucking guy exists Well, there's people that find things offensive, right? | ||
| There's some people that don't find anything offensive. | ||
| Some people that find everything offensive. | ||
| And then along the way, there's a bunch of people on the spectrum. | ||
| All of them have their own reasons why they have a line that they draw, and then they don't like it anymore. | ||
| And you're allowed to have a line anywhere you want, man. | ||
| But when you impose that on other people, that's the only time it becomes a problem. | ||
| If you think for some reason... | ||
| That just because some people like a certain style, whether it's a style of music or style of art, anything. | ||
| Comedy is just one thing that people make, right? | ||
| If some people like that style and you don't and you get mad at it and then you start deciding that these jokes are harming people and these jokes are damaging people, Well, first of all, every art form, whether it's music or whether it's movies, every art form is allowed this sort of false... | ||
| We have this understanding that you've created some fiction. | ||
| We have this understanding that this is not necessarily the person who's written this book's exact thoughts on things. | ||
| Nor is it the person who made this movie, who made a fictional movie. | ||
| It's a work of art, right? | ||
| They've created these scenarios. | ||
| These people didn't really die. | ||
| Nothing really happened in that. | ||
| But in comedy, for some reason, you can't say something ridiculously offensive, fully knowing that you know and the audience knows you don't believe it. | ||
| But when you do do it, it's really funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's that weird thing where you'll do something really funny that's super offensive. | ||
| Like your Karate Kid joke? | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| About Mr. Miyagi. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I don't want to give it away. | ||
| Wait, I don't care. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Okay, you can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can. | |
| You'd think at some point Daniel's son's mom would be like, I think this janitor's trying to fuck my kid. | ||
| It's true, right? | ||
| I forgot about that joke. | ||
| It's funny, and it's offensive. | ||
| Maybe that's not a good example, because that's actually a logical joke, but there's a lot of... | ||
| Yeah, it is a logical joke. | ||
| Totally logical. | ||
| But there's many times where you say something that's completely ridiculous, you don't mean it all, and you only say it because it's a funny thing to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, to take that and to extract it, and to say that that's like a hate crime, when, you know, you know that that person's just fucking around. | ||
| Like, do you remember when Tracy Morgan got in trouble? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it said if his son was gay, stab him? | ||
| People got so fucking mad. | ||
| What's interesting is that there must have been a few people that believed him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's so crazy, though. | ||
| Tracy's always crazy. | ||
| I've only met him once. | ||
| He's a madman. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I've only met him one fucking time. | ||
| That one story. | ||
| One time. | ||
| That's a great story, though. | ||
| For one time. | ||
| I hope to run into him again. | ||
| I know he's heard the story and he didn't like it. | ||
| And he was like, never happened. | ||
| But I can't wait to run into him. | ||
| Tony Woods, Tony Woods got... | ||
| A couple people ended up telling that story. | ||
| A couple. | ||
| Like a number of people. | ||
| And Ari worked with the guy that was telling it. | ||
| And saying that it happened to him. | ||
| I guess that's what happened when it goes into the ethos. | ||
| And Tony Woods got fucking pissed. | ||
| Because Tony Woods was there the whole night. | ||
| And Tony's like, that's our story. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I know. | ||
| He was like, yeah, that's bullshit. | ||
| No one takes our story, Bert. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's how that works, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, wait a minute. | ||
| How can it be yours? | ||
| So he didn't want you talking about it because he was talking about it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Tony was just like, it's other people telling what's something that happened to me and you. | ||
| How can that be right? | ||
| But you were there. | ||
| No, yeah, right. | ||
| So it happened to you, too. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was saying that other people were telling the Tracy Morgan story. | ||
| Oh, other people other than you guys. | ||
| Other than me and him. | ||
| And Tony called. | ||
| Oh, that other thing, yeah. | ||
| He texted me. | ||
| And it was a number of people. | ||
| A guy we already worked with. | ||
| A guy in Australia told it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It just became something that people were like, well, it's already been stolen. | ||
| We'll just all take it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, and Tony was like really upset because he came late to it. | ||
| You know Tony doesn't listen to podcasts. | ||
| He does his own fucking thing. | ||
| And he just called me one time. | ||
| He's like, yo, Sugar Bear, I'm in Australia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck are these people telling our story for? | ||
| And I was like, oh, sorry, Tony. | ||
| I guess that happens. | ||
| In Australia? | ||
| He was in Australia. | ||
| Someone in Australia told it, and Tony was in Australia, and he heard it. | ||
| Tony, one of the greatest moments, like we had last night, I was in D.C. and Tony Woods came in. | ||
| Tony lives in D.C. And for these of you who don't know, Tony is one of the greatest comics. | ||
| Hilarious guy. | ||
| Hilarious guy. | ||
| Very slow, like meticulous, like old school player. | ||
| And so Tony comes in and in the back of the room he's like... | ||
| Hey, why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story? | ||
| And I was like, is that Tony Woods? | ||
| My wife is there, right? | ||
| And I go, Tony? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I want to hear what it sounds like. | ||
| So I go, why don't you come up on stage and tell it with me? | ||
| So he comes up on stage, we have two mics, and I tell my side of the story, and he corrects me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Because you know how everyone's got their side of the story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like, I remember it, man, I remember it very vividly that I was a passerby. | ||
| Like, I was just hanging on, and I was there for this story. | ||
| I didn't really do anything. | ||
| And Tony's like, that is not how that happened. | ||
| And then he said to me, he goes, do you really think that, he's like, the reason he took his shirt off is because you took your shirt off. | ||
| And I was like, there's no fucking way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Tony remembers it totally different. | ||
| The only thing we agree on is the very end of the story when he said, that's how you get out of paying a check. | ||
| That's the only thing we agree on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting how two people can share an experience and it'd be... | ||
| I mean, it's very similar in, like, the places. | ||
| Like, we went to Madame X. That's the bar we were at. | ||
| And I told Tony, I was like, start telling it offstage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell it. | |
| Well, the human memory's super flawed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really flawed. | ||
| They find that more and more that when they're... | ||
| Checking out crimes, in particular. | ||
| The human experience, like memory, is one of the worst pieces of evidence you could ever have. | ||
| Neil deGrasse Tyson was talking about it. | ||
| The difference between an actual reality and how people remember it is sometimes significantly different. | ||
| Your brain just puts together a narrative and sticks with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, you know, if something weird happened or crazy happened sometimes, you're all jacked up on adrenaline, and your brain just creates some goofy-ass scenario, and then that becomes your memory. | ||
| That becomes your reality. | ||
| How weird, dude. | ||
| We're so malleable. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you ever think of like Manchurian candidate type shit? | ||
| Like the idea that they could trick you by putting like a word in your head and if someone says that word, you fucking snap and you turn into an assassin. | ||
| Well, it's Pavlovian. | ||
| It's got to be connected to Pavlovian. | ||
| Because when my wife's alarm goes off on her phone at 545, Priscilla wakes up. | ||
| Priscilla gets up and starts wagging her tail and stands by the fridge. | ||
| She's ready to eat. | ||
| She heard Leanne's arm go off, and she goes, now we eat. | ||
| This is how it... | ||
| And it's got to be similar. | ||
| Like, there are things you could say to put me into a mood. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I mean, immediately when you're like, this is going to sound silly, but when I said, I'm going to grab a beer, and you're like, grab me one. | ||
| That makes my heart race. | ||
| I go, oh, we're drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm not doing it by myself. | ||
| I got a partner. | ||
| Oh, this is what I like. | ||
| Like, certain things like that, those are Pavlovian responses. | ||
| Like, when you're like, you want to get high? | ||
| I get excited. | ||
| I went, oh, yeah, I would love to get high today. | ||
| Like when Stanhope, when I see when my phone rings and it's Stanhope, I get excited because I go, it's one of the very few calls I don't send a voicemail. | ||
| But even the voicemails are 10 million times fucking better. | ||
| He gave me a fucking voicemail that I want to play. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| And then sometimes you get one from him and Johnny Depp and you're like, fucking stand-ups, his fucking phone calls are the best. | ||
| Or Joey Diaz's phone calls. | ||
| Cuz you know Joey's Diaz's phone call is gonna take 16 seconds. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What's up Tarzan? | ||
| And then you fucking... | ||
| Get back to me, cock licker. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, alright. | ||
| Alright, I love you, brother. | ||
| I'll talk to you later. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, we're lucky, man. | ||
| We know some weird people. | ||
| Are you nervous about the future now that Donald Trump's president? | ||
| Do you feel any differently? | ||
| Cuz it went down. | ||
| What did? | ||
| It went down. | ||
| Yeah, it went down. | ||
| It went down. | ||
| Donald Trump won. | ||
| The shit went down. | ||
| I was joking on stage this weekend saying that it can't be that bad for me as a white guy. | ||
| Like, that's the truth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that he's got my interests protected. | ||
| Like, he's a white guy too. | ||
| He's not gonna start outlawing white guys. | ||
| And his son's a white guy. | ||
| And it's gonna be tax breaks for people that make money. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I just don't like, like, this is gonna, once again, this will sound bad, but I'm in my backyard, I'm doing a press tour this morning in, like, every market, you know, every of those radio satellite tours, and the guys that are building my house are all Mexican, and I saw them come to work, and I thought, man, that sucks that What he said about Mexicans, America stood behind a tad bit. | ||
| Because these guys aren't rapists and murderers. | ||
| They're the coolest guys in the world that are fucking killing themselves so that I can have a better life. | ||
| And they're doing it at wages that, quite honestly, are affordable only because they're in fear of losing their stability in this country so they don't argue or stand up. | ||
| And that's kind of how immigrant labor works, a tad bit, is they don't have a way out. | ||
| And I thought, that really fucking sucks. | ||
| And I saw it for the first time that way. | ||
| And I was like, these are all really cool dudes. | ||
| And it stinks that last night they saw that and they were like, we lost. | ||
| Maybe they didn't see it. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| No, a lot of them did. | ||
| I know some Mexican folks that were pretty upset. | ||
| And here I am, you know, on the winning team regardless. | ||
| I'm going to win whoever wins. | ||
| If Hillary wins, I'm a liberal. | ||
| I want everyone for good things. | ||
| I win. | ||
| If Donald Trump wins, I'm in that camp too. | ||
| I win there. | ||
| Mmm, you know, so you're a winner Bert. | ||
| I'm the luckiest guy in the fucking world. | ||
| Mmm The whole Mexican thing is very strange because it's really this is why it's really racist It's not like you're dealing with an exorbitant percentage difference in the amount of people that are Mexican descent that commit crimes versus the amount of people that are of American-born That commit crimes, right? | ||
| We both agree on that. | ||
| It's probably like not much difference at all. | ||
| But when someone comes here from another country and commits a crime, we look at it far worse than if someone who was born in this patch of soil commits a crime. | ||
| You know, we decide that that's a big deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We decide that it's a bigger deal when someone from over there comes over here illegally and commits a crime, even if it's like the same percentage as just people. | ||
| You know, if you get like 20% of the people who commit crimes, no matter what, they're immigrant or whatever, you'll look at the immigrant ones as being more significant, because they're not even fucking supposed to be here. | ||
| And they're doing those crimes. | ||
| It's sliding doors. | ||
| What if that person had just never come here? | ||
| That's how people look at it. | ||
| But it's probably a percentage of the population no matter what. | ||
| And then it also depends upon what has that person experienced. | ||
| Like if they're coming from the Congo or some crazy fucking place. | ||
| I remember my friend went to high school with some kid. | ||
| I want to say the kid was from Jamaica. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he's from Jamaica. | ||
| And apparently he was a super violent kid. | ||
| This is his first time in the United States. | ||
| And he got in a fight with some boy. | ||
| He went out to his car and he got a fucking giant kitchen knife. | ||
| And he stabbed that kid right through the stomach in front of everybody. | ||
| And he cut some other kid and the other kid ran away and he's chasing him with the knife trying to cut him. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, and this is his first days in America. | ||
| They just let him into this school, and this kid went into his fucking trunk and pulled out a knife. | ||
| And I guess that's how he rocked it in Jamaica. | ||
| And that was like what he had been exposed to. | ||
| So that kind of situation, if you're letting someone into a place... | ||
| Legally or illegally. | ||
| I don't know how he got in. | ||
| I don't know the details of the story. | ||
| I just know the story. | ||
| But then people are scared because they're like, oh, this person's been living in the Congo, say. | ||
| Okay, so what is xenophobia then based on the fact that they don't subscribe to the same cultural rules we subscribe to? | ||
| Well, you can say that's xenophobic, or you can say that you're very conservative and nationalistic, and you could look at it as a proud trait. | ||
| I mean, it's a real touch-and-go issue, especially right now, because what's going on in Germany and a lot of parts of Europe where these Syrian refugees are coming in, and they've opened their arms to them in Germany, and it's kind of like really out of control. | ||
| Like, Germany's had some horrible assaults and rapes and... | ||
| Groups of men that are actively targeting white blonde women for rape. | ||
| Well, that's the truth, and I won't say any place, but there are places in this world where the social norm of rape is a social norm. | ||
| Women just get raped, and they believe that's just what happens because they're women. | ||
| And there's a lot of those people. | ||
| There's a lot of those places. | ||
| A lot of those people, too. | ||
| The sheer numbers of humans that subscribe to that kind of thinking still in 2016 would shock you. | ||
| If you could just look at it as numbers on a board, if you just looked at the worldwide population and how many people would accept something like that, you'd be like, whoa. | ||
| Yeah, we're just getting rid of beating a child right now. | ||
| Adrian Peterson did it, and everyone fucking attacked him, and I'm sure he was like, I just hit him with a switch. | ||
| It was pretty brutal. | ||
| But there are places where, in this country, where you could totally hit a child and no one would say anything. | ||
| And then there are places in the world where you could hit someone and no one would say anything. | ||
| And that's part of, like, if you tried to dissect xenophobia... | ||
| Maybe it's that is that you go their social norm is different than my social norm and I don't want people I mean is that that sounds like I'm defending xenophobia well I have a theory that I've said several times the podcast excuse me if you've heard it That's the cradle of civilization if you go to the Middle East That's where civilization begins the oldest written language the oldest form of mathematics like Sumer like that's they're responsible for all these different first first agriculture like they they were like a really Depending upon when you think that human civilization | ||
| was established, whether it was re-established. | ||
| But those people back then, that was a really complicated civilization, and it was like 6,000 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when we try to think about how long human beings have been on this planet, and how long we've been living our lives and what we've been doing, This is a really, really recent thing. | ||
| Very. | ||
| Dude, think about this. | ||
| Slavery was just 200 years ago. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| 1865. Black people just got rights as humans in the 60s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so... | ||
| Like, you know, one of the things, I watched Roots, and one of the things that blew me away was that, what's it called when black people talk like black people? | ||
| It was Ebonics. | ||
| I remember when Ebonics came out, conservatives were fucking up in arms. | ||
| Hey, learn the language. | ||
| Speak the way we speak. | ||
| And then I thought, hey, motherfucker, when we brought them here, we didn't teach them how to speak at all. | ||
| When they were brought as slaves, it was better if they didn't speak English. | ||
| But you know what the problem with that kind of thinking is? | ||
| On both sides. | ||
| Problem kind of thing is, first of all, you didn't bring any slaves over here. | ||
| I didn't bring anybody, yeah. | ||
| And they weren't slaves. | ||
| So both things are fucked up. | ||
| But their ancestors were, so we're acknowledging there's a ripple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a giant ripple effect from being brought over here as slaves. | ||
| That, to me, says that, like, what we should have done, and what we probably still should do, Is figure out a way, and not just that ripple, but the poor immigration ripple that's in white neighborhoods, Russian neighborhoods. | ||
| You gotta figure out a way to get neighborhoods that are really fucking poor. | ||
| Those are traps, especially if they're crime-ridden neighborhoods that are really poor. | ||
| We've gotta clean those up. | ||
| We have cuts. | ||
| That we just let scab up and fester and we don't treat it and dress the wound. | ||
| That's kind of what dangerous crime-ridden neighborhoods are. | ||
| They're like cultural wounds and we don't do shit about them. | ||
| Because it's not us. | ||
| It's us. | ||
| Can't fucking pay attention to that. | ||
| But if presidents did that, instead of fucking flying over to Afghanistan and dealing with some nonsense that has almost nothing to do with you and me... | ||
| I mean, you can make an argument that we can intervene in Mexico right now. | ||
| You know, if you really wanted to protect peace and love, I mean, every time you go to Juarez and you see a bunch of dudes' heads cut off, and they're hanging them from a fucking overpass with some sign, they put some cops and chop them up in garbage bags. | ||
| You know, there's a good argument that all the drugs are coming from these people, too. | ||
| There's a good argument that you go to the war with them. | ||
| They never bring that up. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Dang it. | ||
| You know what fucking sent me through the roof in this election? | ||
| Is the media coverage. | ||
| One of the things that I was watching, like I was laying in bed yesterday, and I was just kind of listening to the thing, and they were saying statements like, well, Florida's definitely going to vote Democratic because of the Hispanic population. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| I thought what an ignorant statement to assume Cubans and Mexicans are identical. | ||
| It's really stupid. | ||
| He didn't say, Cubans are the... | ||
| He said Mexicans. | ||
| And from my experience, and this is limited, but I did grow up in Florida and I do live in L.A. And that's where these... | ||
| The difference is, Cubans... | ||
| We'll speak Spanish in front of you. | ||
| Mexicans don't speak Spanish in front of you. | ||
| When you hang out with, like, two Mexicans, you're standing in, like, say you're, like, in line or something, Mexicans usually just try to assimilate so they don't raise the red flag. | ||
| It's all based on the fact that as a Cuban, if you come over to this country, if you step foot on the land, you're automatically a citizen. | ||
| As a Mexican, they don't want you here. | ||
| They want to send you back. | ||
| Is that the case still? | ||
| So if you're a Cuban refugee and you land in America... | ||
| The second you step foot, you're a naturalized citizen. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| And that is the bone of contention between Cubans and Mexicans is that, and that's why Cubans, when you go to Miami, two Cuban guys will speak Spanish right in front of you, right in front of your face. | ||
| And you're just like, are you guys talking about me? | ||
| Well, Cuba also, Cubans rather, they tend to be more conservative. | ||
| Yeah, much more conservative. | ||
| They vote very Republican. | ||
| It's a very conservative sort of culture. | ||
| Having said that, a lot of Miami did vote Democrat. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But I think that's predominantly the Jewish population, the snowbirds that came down. | ||
| Because it started in Broward County and it went down. | ||
| But I grew up in Florida. | ||
| Cubans were... | ||
| There's no limit to just Miami. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| All my best friends are Cuban. | ||
| Dude, Cuba has an interesting kind of a flair to it, right? | ||
| Because it's got a different thing than, say, Mexico. | ||
| Like, you think their language has a little bit more of a song type of thing to it. | ||
| They're a little more of a flow to it. | ||
| You know, they're all dancey and movie and shit, and they have incredible athletes. | ||
| Fucking incredible athletes. | ||
| You're fucking right about that. | ||
| Like, if you were going to do a dance of the two languages, Mexico would be more like I know. | ||
| But Cubans are like... | ||
| Yeah, they have a quicker sort of a... | ||
| There's a flair to those people. | ||
| We used to say words... | ||
| We used to say Cuban phrases like... | ||
| Or... | ||
| That sounds Mexican. | ||
| That does sound Mexican. | ||
| But... | ||
| Like a duck. | ||
| Are you allowed to say that still? | ||
| You can say it in Spanish. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, you're not racist if you're saying it in Spanish. | ||
| It's not racist. | ||
| I said on the radio the other day. | ||
| What is Maricone again? | ||
| Gay guy. | ||
| You could say that? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's see if it comebacks to haunt you. | ||
| Let's run the gamut. | ||
| I'll say Gypsy, Pikey, and Maricone and see if I get in trouble. | ||
| Pikey is still touchy if you're in England. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a friend who lives in England and their neighbor, their friend actually, that lives also in England, had a bunch of Pikeys move in next door to him. | ||
| Oh, squatters! | ||
| They pulled up their caravan, and they just decided to live in this neighborhood. | ||
| And then there's an open lot. | ||
| So they pulled into this open lot with their caravan. | ||
| They stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| They start having parties. | ||
| They start robbing the neighborhood. | ||
| And these fucking people have these bomb-ass country houses outside of London, and they're just living the dream, you know? | ||
| They make this dope-ass house in this beautiful countryside, and the pikey's moving right next door. | ||
| I don't know, is that a bad word, pikey? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Travelers, I think they prefer to call themselves. | ||
| I'll be respectful. | ||
| So the travelers move in. | ||
| They pull up their caravans, which are mobile homes. | ||
| They leave garbage everywhere. | ||
| They fucking steal shit. | ||
| And they can't get rid of them. | ||
| They can't get them out of there because of their culture. | ||
| Their culture is that they travel around. | ||
| And so the European government or the UK government has established certain things they're allowed to do. | ||
| And one of them is they're allowed to just live in a place where nobody lives. | ||
| That's so arbitrary. | ||
| Within reason. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure they have, like, boundaries where you're not supposed to go, but next to this guy's fucking house, they were allowed to live. | ||
| Oh, I'd fucking lose my mind. | ||
| Apparently, this guy's, like, this really wealthy guy that bought this insane house out in the London countryside, and they just, the travelers moved in right next door, and they party all night. | ||
| They have bonfires and shit. | ||
| Oh, fucking bonfire. | ||
| Yeah, they beat guys' asses if they talk shit to them. | ||
| You know, maybe this isn't a good place to have a fire at 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| They step up and punch that dude in the face and laugh. | ||
| Nobody can do shit. | ||
| They live a different world. | ||
| They live a totally different life than you or I. But they're people. | ||
| People are just so malleable, man. | ||
| That's what I was getting at before. | ||
| That's why one of the things that concerns me about Trump... | ||
| Is that the president becomes sort of the way the people that follow him, he leads the way. | ||
| They sort of fall in, at least in some way, he represents how we feel about ourselves. | ||
| So if we feel about ourselves like a really, you know, the wall just got 10 feet higher, you know, that kind of stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That could encourage some ridiculous douchebaggery from people that might otherwise be persuaded to relax and settle in. | ||
| Like people might go the other way now. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| People might get more aggressive and more shitty now that Trump is in office. | ||
| Oh, dude, I gotta be really honest with you. | ||
| Trump being elected gave me a lot of confidence. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because I just was like, I just never thought that would happen. | ||
| Like, I never thought that would happen. | ||
| Then I thought, oh, that's right. | ||
| Crazy shit happens all the time. | ||
| Like, crazy shit happens all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Like, I could, like, no, I'm not saying I want to be a movie star, but, like, I could be a movie star tomorrow. | ||
| Like, someone could go... | ||
| Take a couple of weeks, but... | ||
| Take a couple of weeks. | ||
| Maybe take seven months. | ||
| But, like, that could happen tomorrow. | ||
| I could have my own sitcom if I wanted it tomorrow, because that could happen, because Trump became president. | ||
| And I got a real bounce in my step. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like anything's possible. | ||
| Like anything's fucking- I really thought there was no fucking way in hell that would ever happen. | ||
| I mean, I almost thought last night was a wash, and I don't know why we're even referencing the election. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, Bill Burr is like, they just took fucking Ohio. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a war. | ||
| Like, he took Pennsylvania. | ||
| He took Florida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're still undecided in New Hampshire. | ||
| Was that what he was saying? | ||
| He took Idaho. | ||
| Weren't they saying that it was kind of down to Alaska? | ||
| And when he got Alaska is when someone said, he just won. | ||
| They go, he just got Alaska. | ||
| He won. | ||
| But that's the state that nobody campaigns in. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| No one campaigns in Alaska? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they do. | ||
| But I think for the most part they ignore it because it's the last state where you get the results in last. | ||
| It's way the fuck over there. | ||
| You know, if you're looking at a map where Alaska is, you gotta go all the way up and then you gotta go left. | ||
| It's all the way the fuck up there. | ||
| It's by Russia. | ||
| It's way up there, dude. | ||
| Have you gone hunting up there? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude, Alaska is amazing. | ||
| Except the bugs. | ||
| The bugs are brutal. | ||
| The mosquitoes are off the chain. | ||
| You've never seen nothing like it in your life. | ||
| You can't even breathe because they go in your mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari and I went fishing. | ||
| We went salmon fishing up there. | ||
| We did some gigs. | ||
| And we got out of the car to get to the boat. | ||
| And when we got out of the car, literally opening the door, there was a cloud of mosquitoes that found us instantly and swarmed us. | ||
| We panicked like little girls. | ||
| Jumped back in the car and shut the door. | ||
| We decided to change our shoes while we were in the car. | ||
| And there was a hundred mosquitoes in the car with us. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| They only have like a couple months to live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they all come out in droves. | ||
| But I'll tell you what I like, dude. | ||
| I like Alaskan people. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| I like people in Anchorage a lot. | ||
| I like people at bars. | ||
| I like people that you met. | ||
| There's like a certain feeling that they have. | ||
| They're more alive because they have to deal with nature. | ||
| They're more alive because they have to deal with grizzly bears. | ||
| When we were there, a grizzly bear stumbled into some fucking school. | ||
| The grizzly bear was walking on the outside perimeter of some school. | ||
| They were talking about it. | ||
| They had to fucking chase it off. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| A giant one. | ||
| Like a big 10-foot grizzly bear was wandering through some backyard area. | ||
| Moose walk onto college campuses all the time. | ||
| When I landed in Anchorage, I got in the car from the airport to the hotel, and a moose crossed the street on the way to the hotel. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| By the airport. | ||
| It was by the airport, and I freaked out. | ||
| I was like, are you shitting me? | ||
| And he was like, it happens all the time, man. | ||
| You gotta be real careful if you run a moose when it's rutting. | ||
| Like now, when it gets cold out, like right around late October probably, mid-late October, they get horny as fuck. | ||
| And they get super aggressive. | ||
| And they get so stupid. | ||
| Their dick is so hard and they're so fucked up. | ||
| Imagine if you could only have sex once a year. | ||
| Just imagine being a person. | ||
| You could only have sex once a year. | ||
| And when... | ||
| You start getting towards that time of the year, you start growing weapons on your head. | ||
| Your head starts growing weapons. | ||
| You said that on a podcast. | ||
| So they don't always have horns? | ||
| No. | ||
| The antlers fall off. | ||
| These antlers are actually... | ||
| We actually looked it up this weekend. | ||
| They're made out of bone. | ||
| I heard this podcast. | ||
| Who did you do this with? | ||
| John Dudley. | ||
| John Dudley. | ||
| And it was a fascinating podcast. | ||
| What just happened? | ||
| What happened, Jamie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Did we go down? | ||
| Power surge. | ||
| We're still up. | ||
| Oh, it's just like a light flicker or something like that? | ||
| We gotta get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| It's the government. | ||
| It's fucking Trump, man. | ||
| Now that Trump's in order, he heard me making fun of his hair. | ||
| I want to give two things to Trump. | ||
| A razor, like one of those electric hair buzzers, and a bag of mushrooms. | ||
| That's all I need from you, buddy. | ||
| You can raise my taxes. | ||
| Just let me see you eat this bag and do this to your hair. | ||
| I would love to fuck with his hair. | ||
| Just shave it off, man. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| There's nothing good going on up there. | ||
| Good tweets today, though. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Comics. | ||
| Comics. | ||
| Oh, what'd they say? | ||
| Yeah, the ones that weren't, like, too butthurt about it. | ||
| Oh, there's a lot of butthurt today. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| Let it play out. | ||
| Let's see what this says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, friends of mine who I go, who I know are funny, were just like, like, just saying, just like, really, not even like trying to be funny about it. | ||
| Like, this isn't funny. | ||
| There's nothing funny about it. | ||
| You need to have a serious conversation with your children about racism and rape. | ||
| And you're like, hmm. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, what about Hillary Clinton then? | ||
| Is that who you wanted in office? | ||
| Hillary Clinton defended a child rapist. | ||
| It was laughing about the child rapist being able to pass a polygraph. | ||
| Do you remember when we were with Norm in the back of the Comedy Store and he was talking about Bill Clinton's charges? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I looked those up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are fucking legit. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of stuff with, I mean, who knows how much of it is real? | ||
| Allegedly did a lot of shit. | ||
| Allegedly? | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But not good. | ||
| None of it's good. | ||
| It's all gross. | ||
| So it's not like if Donald Trump didn't get in, we were out an angel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Anyone of that age set... | ||
| That's a weird age bracket. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I'm the generation where when I got to college, they came up with the phrase, no means no. | ||
| They explained date rape at my age. | ||
| I'm 44. So you think anyone over 44, any woman over 44, probably dealt with date rape, and a lot of times there was a stigma, do not talk about it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| And I'm just saying, I'm the very beginning of it. | ||
| There's a whole generation of girls my age and just younger that have dealt with it in the same way. | ||
| But now it's being brought to the forefront and people are coming forward and saying stuff. | ||
| Donald Trump is, what, 70? | ||
| Dude, I mean, I think he could hit women when he was a kid. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| They probably hit women. | ||
| They didn't think anything of it. | ||
| His dad could throw his mom down a flight of stairs and no one would say a fucking word. | ||
| The cops would be like... | ||
| The flight of stairs is rough. | ||
| Yeah, maybe right. | ||
| Throw on the couch. | ||
| Just throw on the couch. | ||
| Just get off me. | ||
| Get off me. | ||
| You throw them somewhere nice and soft and like you don't you decelerate when you let go You know just like a light judo demonstration If you dated a judo chick we dated Ronda Rousey and she just got mad at you and start fucking hip tossing you around the house right to the coffee table Right to the glass coffee table like one of those Lethal Weapon movies She just grabs you and hip tosses you. | ||
| We're in the front yard. | ||
| The sprinklers are going off. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Cops are spoiled up. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Lethal Weapon. | ||
| He used a fucking triangle choke. | ||
| That was the first time we ever saw a triangle choke in a movie, ever. | ||
| Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon. | ||
| He played that crazy guy and he learned from Horian. | ||
| He learned jujitsu from Horian Gracie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Horian Gracie was the stunt coordinator for that movie. | ||
| And he helped, that movie sort of helped get him in with a lot of Hollywood people that wanted to learn jujitsu. | ||
| I didn't realize how effective it was. | ||
| I loved to party with Mel Gibson. | ||
| Man, just get them drunk and start talking about Jews. | ||
| Just wind them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just wind them up. | ||
| Just go, what about all this Jews and money, man? | ||
| Man, I don't get it. | ||
| It's like lighting a bomb and walking away. | ||
| It's funny, man, because he's a brilliant director. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| They're giving him another chance. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| Is that Gary Busey? | ||
| Yeah, it's Gary Busey. | ||
| He was on top. | ||
| Oh, I forgot it was Gary Busey. | ||
| Shitty jujitsu. | ||
| There's a lot of space there, boys. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| He goes for the arm bar. | ||
| Terrible guard. | ||
| Terrible guard. | ||
| And he gets punched a little bit here. | ||
| A little bit of ground and pound. | ||
| This is like something. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He goes for the triangle. | ||
| He grabs it. | ||
| Secures it. | ||
| Let me see how he handles this here. | ||
| Gary Busey should just bite his dick. | ||
| There are no rules here. | ||
| Okay, this is a terrible goddamn triangle. | ||
| He doesn't even secure it underneath the knee. | ||
| It'd be great if he was just flicking off the crowd like Nate Diaz. | ||
| He makes mistake number one in triangles. | ||
| He went with the calf over the instep, touched the calf instead of go totally behind the knee. | ||
| It's just not tight enough. | ||
| I can do a better triangle. | ||
| Oh, he choked him to sleep? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did he tap? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| He didn't even tap. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Let's go back again. | ||
| Let's go back again. | ||
| Now, here's what you want to do. | ||
| You want to get an angle, and then you want to make sure that this instep is underneath your knee. | ||
| That way it's locked in place. | ||
| You can't get out of that. | ||
| See, watch. | ||
| Go before that. | ||
| He throws the leg up. | ||
| See, this is all sloppy shit. | ||
| He grabs ahold of his shin, but what he's supposed to do for real is grab ahold of his right foot, pull his right foot down until it locks underneath his left leg. | ||
| See how it's all fucking loose and sloppy? | ||
| Bitch, nobody's getting stuck in that triangle. | ||
| They gotta pop right out of that posture up and beat your fucking ass. | ||
| Posture up. | ||
| Now you're on the bottom, stupid. | ||
| If you have a triangle, you gotta do it right. | ||
| I don't know how Horian let him get away with that. | ||
| They should have made him tighten that up. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is it a possibility that it's just weight class differences? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It's just a move. | ||
| It's like you do it right or you do it wrong. | ||
| When you do a triangle and you got somebody locked up, right? | ||
| If you got someone's arm in here, if you do this, you don't have any leverage. | ||
| You have no leverage. | ||
| But here, motherfucker, where you going? | ||
| I wouldn't fit in there. | ||
| Nowhere. | ||
| You would fit in there, motherfucker. | ||
| I'll put you in there. | ||
| I'll squeeze you to sleep. | ||
| It's not a matter of whether or not you're gonna fit. | ||
| I'm gonna make you fit. | ||
| I'll fit you in there. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I'll fit you in there. | ||
| And someone with bigger, longer legs, they'll fucking fit you in there. | ||
| There's some horrible people who get stuck in their guard. | ||
| This is my friend Brian. | ||
| We used to call him Beast. | ||
| And Brian, he's a big, strong fucking dude. | ||
| Did a lot of kettlebells and shit. | ||
| He was probably in the 220s, but a real athletic dude. | ||
| And he was all legs. | ||
| And this motherfucker, if you'd gotten his guard, it was just being constricted with giant bones and huge muscles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Oh! | ||
| So if you ever rolled with that guy, you needed to stay the fuck away from his guard, because he's just all legs and power, like the amount of strength that you have in your legs, like people don't even recognize it. | ||
| You don't, you don't, unless you have rolled with someone who has developed their leg muscles and the dexterity to pull off jujitsu moves with their legs, like there's certain guys that get to a point where they get really, really good at that, When you roll with them, you realize you take your legs and you run up stairs. | ||
| Think of that. | ||
| You take your legs. | ||
| You could have a package in your hand and you could run up the stairs. | ||
| You're throwing your body like plyometrics up these stairs. | ||
| You can't do that with your arms, but you're so confident choking someone with your arms. | ||
| Oh, that's totally fucking true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You always take advantage of your feet. | ||
| They're always working. | ||
| You're carrying yourself everywhere you go. | ||
| Your body's carrying whatever it is from your waist up. | ||
| You're carrying 100 plus whatever the fuck it is pounds. | ||
| That's what your upper body is, right? | ||
| Your legs are constantly getting work out. | ||
| If you think about Joey Diaz, or here's even better, Ralph Hume. | ||
| You know how fucking strong Ralph Hume's legs must be? | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| I bet he has giant ass leg muscles. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He must. | ||
| You ever see, you know, there's a comic, he's good friends with Daniel Tosh, and he used to be overweight. | ||
| And we were doing a voiceover thing, and he lost like 200 pounds. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But his calves were fucking yoked. | ||
| And we were doing a voiceover, and I kept saying, his name's Eddie. | ||
| It's Eddie. | ||
| He's married to Megan Mullaney. | ||
| Anyway, his calves are yoked, and I kept going. | ||
| We're in the voiceover booth, and Tosh is listening to us do voiceover. | ||
| And I kept going, man, your calves are huge. | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I go, no, they're fucking, those are ridiculous. | ||
| I've never seen calves like that in my life. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I know, I know, I have big calves. | ||
| I go, no, I don't think you understand. | ||
| You have the biggest calves. | ||
| And I'm looking at Tosh's in a sound booth laughing hysterically. | ||
| And I go, you really should enter a calf contest. | ||
| Those are the biggest calves. | ||
| And Tosh gets on the thing and goes... | ||
| Bert, he used to be 380 pounds. | ||
| That's why he's got big calves. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable. | ||
| That's a very good Tosh impression. | ||
| I felt Tosh when you were doing that. | ||
| It sounded like his inflection. | ||
| Sounds like the real guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you could, you know, if you have the flexibility and the dexterity, you could do so much with your legs. | ||
| You know, your legs control. | ||
| Like, Marcelo Garcia was one of the greatest jiu-jitsu players of all time. | ||
| Did not have a big upper body, but he had these giant ass fucking legs, and he would squeeze a shit out of dudes and control them with his legs. | ||
| That was a big part of his jiu-jitsu game, was controlling your body with your legs. | ||
| I would be good with my legs. | ||
| I bet you would. | ||
| I used to be able to squeeze my legs. | ||
| When you'd wrestle with friends, I could get them where I'd put my legs around their waist and squeeze them. | ||
| And I remember my buddy came and would be like, I just shit my pants! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it took that too far. | ||
| Yeah, maybe that guy was gonna shit anyway. | ||
| I'm gonna use this excuse. | ||
| I'm gonna wrestle with Bert and just shit myself. | ||
| Think about some of the weird shit you did with your friends. | ||
| My friend Pauly, he whacked a stick against a tree. | ||
| You know how kids are always doing shit like that? | ||
| And the stick broke and it went... | ||
| You know, I flipped through the air and hit my eyebrow. | ||
| Like, and cut the shit out of my eyebrow. | ||
| But, like, it was a half an inch from my eyeball. | ||
| It was like the pointy part of this stick that snapped off after you whacked against a tree. | ||
| Went whipping through the air, and I think about that all the time. | ||
| I could have been blind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could have been blinded in that one dumb move in the woods with my friend, who was an idiot, who just wanted to hit a tree with a stick. | ||
| Smacked a tree with a stick. | ||
| I easily went blind from that. | ||
| I thought about that all the time. | ||
| Like, that one fucking moment. | ||
| That one moment. | ||
| Like, if I just went like that. | ||
| If I just ducked a little. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or raised up a little, rather. | ||
| That's all I'd have to do. | ||
| Just raise up a little. | ||
| And when it went from here to here. | ||
| All I had to do was move. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't see it coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like... | |
| We used to put a hose up our ass and shoot water out of our assholes at each other. | ||
| That's so not good. | ||
| It's so not good. | ||
| You could die from that. | ||
| We used to do it all the time. | ||
| You'd get E. Coli. | ||
| You'd blow it in each other's faces. | ||
| We'd go into New Smyrna and you'd get out from surfing and you'd shoot the hose water up your ass and give yourself an enema and then just shit on each other. | ||
| What the fuck, Bert? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I wish Kamen was here right now. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Meet Kamen and Alan Rieger used to shit on each other. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| You'd do it when they weren't looking. | ||
| Like you'd do it and you'd hold it in there. | ||
| What's Bert doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| I'm not even looking. | ||
| I hear a hose. | ||
| I heard a buckle. | ||
| You just hold it in there and then you just turn around and shit on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh Jesus Christ! | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| It was Florida. | ||
| Jesus, everything is Florida. | ||
| It goes back to Florida. | ||
| But you guys did produce Leonard Skinner. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, we did. | ||
| Explain that. | ||
| Explain that. | ||
| You produced one of the greatest bands of all time. | ||
| Gimme Three Steps is an amazing fucking song. | ||
| How about Curtis Lowe? | ||
| The Ballad of Curtis Lowe? | ||
| That's a song people don't even talk about. | ||
| And you know what's even bigger is if you grew up in Florida, you remember that. | ||
| I'm sure they did this all over the place, but I distinctly remember bringing, you could get glass bottles that were worth 10 cents each, and I'd bring them back down to the Circle K by my house, and you walk down with like 10, Glass bottles on your fingers and walk down to Circle K, get them in, and you buy candy that way. | ||
| That's a line he has about collecting old bottles and bringing them down and selling it. | ||
| And I was like, fuck man, I did that shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a great song, man. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I got into that song once like three years ago. | ||
| You know how sometimes you go on a trip, and for whatever reason, you're sitting on the beach or something like that, relaxing, listening to your iPhone, listening to music or something, and you have this one song that just resonates with the moment? | ||
| For me, it was that Ballad of Curtis Lowe. | ||
| I was in Hawaii. | ||
| I listened to that song like 30 times over the weekend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's such a good song. | ||
| You know, this is a little bit of a stretch, but I went through a period... | ||
| A couple years ago, where all I'd listen to was In Excess. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What a great... | ||
| In Excess, if you haven't played them in a while... | ||
| This is what you need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what you need. | |
| When you listen to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm telling you, that album, if you get the best of In Excess, it is such a great... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy choked himself out, jerking off. | ||
| That's how he died. | ||
| It's gotta be feel good. | ||
| It can't feel that good. | ||
| If people are dying for it, it's gotta feel good. | ||
| No, they just fucked up. | ||
| People just like weird shit. | ||
| I watched the movie of them. | ||
| There's a movie of them that was on, and I forget what it was called, but it was a really great movie. | ||
| And I got on this NXS phase. | ||
| I was riding motorcycles a lot at the time. | ||
| And I was listening to NXS on motorcycles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
While you were riding? | |
| All the time. | ||
| Wow, I would want to hear what the fuck is going on around me. | ||
| No. | ||
| I put in noise reduction headsets. | ||
| These little ultimate ears. | ||
| Plug them in. | ||
| You're on the highway. | ||
| You can't hear anything anyway. | ||
| It's all fucking windy. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| When you're riding motorcycles, all you got to be is like... | ||
| Tuned in. | ||
| It's amazing how hypersensitive you are to every other driver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You'd have to be. | ||
| When you see those guys zipping in between lanes, which is a weird thing to be legal, does that freak you out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I've ridden motorcycles, I'm very respectful. | ||
| If I see them, I give them space. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I move right over. | ||
| When I see them, but sometimes you don't see them. | ||
| Like, you hear Harleys, which is real good, but there's some of those, like, smaller bikes. | ||
| Like, they're just there all of a sudden. | ||
| You're like, I don't even see... | ||
| Especially if you listen to shit loud in your car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're fucking jamming to the Led Zeppelin immigrant song. | ||
| That's what I listen to when I get in the cryo tank. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come from the land of the ice and snow with the midnight sun and night. | |
| What about Good Times, Bad Times? | ||
| The beginning of that song is one of the best beginnings of a song ever. | ||
| Bill Burr calls me up one day, and he goes, you're not gonna fucking believe it. | ||
| He goes, Led Zeppelin stole all their music. | ||
| I went and listened to it. | ||
| It's heartbreaking. | ||
| It's fucking heartbreaking. | ||
| They're fucking thieves. | ||
| Dude, I didn't want to believe it. | ||
| It's one of those things I was like, nah. | ||
| I didn't even want to listen. | ||
| And once I listened... | ||
| And I go, come on, really? | ||
| And I called him. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| He goes, dude, I can't believe I'm out of this. | ||
| He left a message. | ||
| It was back when people left voicemail messages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a few years ago. | ||
| I haven't left a voicemail. | ||
| Good luck leaving a voicemail message. | ||
| My shit's always full. | ||
| I don't ever answer those things. | ||
| Mine still says, I'm out of the country. | ||
| If you know me, you'll find me. | ||
| I don't need that. | ||
| Joey Diaz, you can't even leave a voicemail. | ||
| He'll beat your ass. | ||
| I've made that mistake. | ||
| You can't leave a text message either. | ||
| You gotta call him. | ||
| Dog! | ||
| I'll see you call me. | ||
| I'll call you back. | ||
| And when he calls you, you gotta return that call. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta must. | ||
| There's no, like, I'll get to it later. | ||
| He's essentially our dad. | ||
| Out of all of us. | ||
| He's the elder statesman, for sure. | ||
| Do you know what my phone does now? | ||
| It gives me a text of what the voicemail says. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's a new thing with iPhones. | ||
| Isn't that fucking crazy? | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| I'm switching over. | ||
| I'm going to do an experiment for the podcast. | ||
| I'm using a Windows laptop, and I'm going to try an Android phone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to try this new Google Pixel phone for a few months, and I'm going to try a Windows 10. Because I look at people at the airport, and they have Windows laptops. | ||
| I'm like, what do you do on that thing? | ||
| What's happening on that thing? | ||
| Is that any different? | ||
| Are you experiencing anything? | ||
| 50% of the world interfaces with completely different devices than the other 50%. | ||
| One side is using iPhones and Macs. | ||
| Some people use iPhones and Windows. | ||
| It is possible, but they do sync up well together. | ||
| So oftentimes, if somebody has one, they have the other. | ||
| And then you have other people that are just using Android phones. | ||
| And they're using Windows computers or Mac. | ||
| They can use whatever they want. | ||
| But Windows computers are a greater percentage of the people using computers in the world than anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when you look at them, they look old. | ||
| They have new ones now that look better where you can touch them and shit, but a lot of them are thick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's a fucking black computer? | ||
| That's what I bought. | ||
| Oh, it's silver. | ||
| I bought a ThinkPad. | ||
| I bought a black ThinkPad. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| I did this in Philly. | ||
| I told everyone to put their phones on the table. | ||
| Oh, you did that thing. | ||
| And I went, do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went, hey Siri, set a reminder to watch Burt Kreischer's special at 10pm on Showtime, November 11th. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did it do it? | |
| Okay, I'll remind you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| Well, that's one of the reasons why I want to try this Google Pixel. | ||
| Because the Google Pixel has this new thing called Google Assistant that's supposed to be next level. | ||
| Not only that, it's contextual. | ||
| So I can say, hey Siri, call Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Or it wouldn't be Siri. | ||
| What do you say to the... | ||
| It was Daryl. | ||
| I think it was Daryl. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Hey, Daryl. | ||
| Yo, Daryl. | ||
| What up, dog? | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
| How old's Burt Kreischer? | ||
| And then it'll say how old you are, and then you could say, where was he born? | ||
| And it knows who you're talking about. | ||
| And it'll say, oh, he was born here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What have I seen him in? | ||
| Well, if you go to his Wikipedia, you'll see him. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Because Siri just takes me to a website. | ||
| No. | ||
| Next level. | ||
| It's contextual, meaning it knows what you're talking about. | ||
| Like, you can ask someone, you can go, okay, when's their birthday? | ||
| And it'll tell you their birthday. | ||
| You don't have to say, when is Bert Kreischer's birthday? | ||
| It remembers you're talking about Bert Kreischer. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| The coolest thing about Siri is that I can just be laying in bed and be like, hey Siri, set an alarm for 5 p.m. | ||
| and set an alarm for 5 p.m. | ||
| That's pretty cool, but you can always just set an alarm, you lazy bitch. | ||
| No, but like if you're laying in bed, you don't like to get up and swipe and enter your password and find five and... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I can imagine using a regular alarm clock. | ||
| When I go to a hotel and I see that stupid thing next to the bed that's flashing 12, I go, what is this dumb thing that I have to figure out? | ||
| Everybody has a phone. | ||
| Your phone is going to, you're going to set an alarm on your phone. | ||
| Not only that, your phone knows when you switch into daylight savings time, and it resets it for you. | ||
| It just happened when I was in New York. | ||
| All the fucking clocks were off, and I was like, fuck, I'm late for the taping. | ||
| And then I looked, and I was like, oh, my phone's fine. | ||
| Yeah, that did it to me on Sunday. | ||
| I woke up. | ||
| I thought it was late, but it was actually an hour early. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| Yeah, that hour sleep. | ||
| They should do that every day. | ||
| Isn't it goofy, though, that we have to fucking change what time it is because of when it's dark and when it's light? | ||
| So that's one of the reasons why those people in Alaska are superior. | ||
| They reach these stretches where it's never dark. | ||
| They have these weird moments in July, like when Ari and I were there, we went outside, it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and it was like 6.30pm out here. | ||
| That's also arguably why there's so much drinking in Russia. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because I remember we were there during the white nights, and I remember being like... | ||
| You'd get done your night, and you'd be like, it's time to go to bed, but you'd go out, and it'd be fucking bright out. | ||
| You'd, like, go in your room, and you'd have to close all the blinds to get it dark. | ||
| What time does it get dark? | ||
| It never got dark. | ||
| It's called the White Nights. | ||
| How long does it last? | ||
| 24 hours a day. | ||
| I mean, for how long of the year? | ||
| Probably, I don't know, I'd have to ballpark it at maybe, like... | ||
| A week, maybe two weeks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You're at nature's whim. | ||
| But it's a week or maybe two weeks, but then for three months going in, I'd say maybe a month going in and a month coming out, it is well, like I remember walking around the streets at like 11 o'clock at night and it was bright like 5 o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
| Do you remember 30 Days of Nights? | ||
| No, what's that? | ||
| Fucking great vampire movie that takes place in Alaska. | ||
| The vampires arrive in Alaska when it doesn't get light out for 30 days. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Dude, it's fun. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| They kill the power, start eating people. | ||
| And they're cool vampires. | ||
| They speak in some crazy dead language. | ||
| They have fucked up teeth. | ||
| They don't have straight up vampire fangs. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| Their mouth is filled with all these weird, jagged, tearing teeth. | ||
| And you know what I love also about vampire movies? | ||
| Vampire familiars. | ||
| That bitch who sells everybody out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's always one dude who's a bitch who winds up selling everybody out for the hopes that he... | ||
| You close up on that guy's face, you get to... | ||
| See what these vampires look like. | ||
| Just go to the full image, view image. | ||
| Oh, these aren't big? | ||
| Yeah, there's some pictures. | ||
| You'll probably find some if you find some. | ||
| Well, you can see that's just sloppy. | ||
| That's as sloppy as Al Jolson. | ||
| There you can tell. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a perfect one. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's a good costume designer right there. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Or hair and makeup, whatever that is. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tate Fletcher's in Westworld. | ||
| He's in everything. | ||
| Have you been watching Westworld? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I got, man, I fucking geeked out. | ||
| I should have texted him or something, but I'm watching Westworld, and I see the guy in the fucking cave who's going, and I go, God damn it, man, that looks like fucking Tate. | ||
| And all of a sudden he gets out of the cave, and I'm like, shut the fuck up, that's Tate! | ||
| And I'm like losing my fucking mind. | ||
| Tate's balling out of control, son. | ||
| He's working all the time. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| Well, he's got a great look. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm jealous of his beard. | ||
| It's a strong beard. | ||
| It really is, and it's got like curls to it. | ||
| It's a perfect beard. | ||
| I wish I had the commitment. | ||
| Well, he pulls it off, too. | ||
| It defines him better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that's what his beard's like. | ||
| He's eccentric. | ||
| You know, he's a beautiful, eccentric person. | ||
| He's someone I was lucky. | ||
| He's an example of why I'm happy to have a podcast. | ||
| Because I heard him on your show and then reached out to him and said, I'd love to have you on my podcast. | ||
| And then spent time with him and it was like, I love that guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He really is a great fucking guy. | ||
| He's a super positive person. | ||
| Like, super positive, super loving, really good friend. | ||
| Always, always love hanging around. | ||
| And he's friends with like Annie Letterman. | ||
| You know Annie? | ||
| He's fun with a lot of people, man. | ||
| Do you know Annie? | ||
| Yeah, the comic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he's got friends with, like, he's got a ton of fucking friends. | ||
| Who doesn't love Tate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tate's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, we know some good dudes, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| That's what we gotta do. | ||
| Ain't that the fucking truth. | ||
| We gotta do, uh, and some good women, too. | ||
| Morgan Murphy, how fucking funny was she last night? | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She really is. | ||
| She's fucking funny, man. | ||
| I gotta get her on here. | ||
| Expose the world. | ||
| She tweeted last night, uh, I fucking hate the U.S. I'm so glad I don't live there. | ||
| Hashtag Los Angeles. | ||
| And then, right after that, I started noticing that Cal Exit... | ||
| Cal Exit? | ||
| Cal Exit? | ||
| It's like the Brexit. | ||
| They want California to separate. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| We're the sixth largest economy in the world. | ||
| And so they were like, we could just separate and we'd be our own fucking place. | ||
| Because of Trump? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| Who's gonna win? | ||
| Jerry Brown? | ||
| He's gonna be our king? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That crazy asshole. | ||
| Schwarzenegger, we'll bring him back. | ||
| Bring him back. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Give him full reign. | ||
| It's a look, dude. | ||
| The best is last night when everyone started admitting to having crushes on Morgan Murphy. | ||
| I didn't see that part. | ||
| Oh, that must have been when you were doing your set. | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Someone was like, Stan Hope goes, I just gotta admit, I've always had a crush on Morgan Murphy. | ||
| And then someone else goes, me too. | ||
| And I was like, I'm married and I have a hardcore crush on Morgan Murphy. | ||
| And Morgan was like, I don't know what to make of any of you fucking drunks. | ||
| She was probably trying to avoid a gangbang by negotiation. | ||
| Yeah, she's great, man. | ||
| She really is funny. | ||
| Remember when she did that Carlos Mencia? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How fucking funny was that? | ||
| Say the rest. | ||
| Say what it was. | ||
| Right after the Mencia beef broke out where he was stealing and he got caught. | ||
| By the way, this is what's crazy. | ||
| I didn't know that happened in the OR. Yeah. | ||
| I thought it happened in the main room immediately. | ||
| Watching it because I've never been to a club like that. | ||
| But she then said, Carlos Minstia stole from me too. | ||
| This is a routine that I made in 1939. Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| And didn't she write something like that? | ||
| Something ridiculous like that? | ||
| And then she went into his bits, but she did them all like... | ||
| She took his worst material and did it super deadpan. | ||
| Hello, my name is Morgan Murphy. | ||
| I performed the jokes you're about to see in the year 1923. I've performed them in 2006. Judge for yourself, but I certainly see similarities. | ||
| I work very hard on this material, specifically the line, if you don't chill, you're gonna get it. | ||
| Morgan! | ||
| If you don't chill, you're gonna get it. | ||
| So, how do we organize these podcasts so we do more of those live podcasts, and when do we do them? | ||
| How often do we do them? | ||
| What do we call it? | ||
| Just keep calling it the end of the world. | ||
| Call it the end of the world podcast. | ||
| Yeah, it's the end of the world. | ||
| The end of the world podcast is just the end of the world. | ||
| And we're going to do... | ||
| We'll do live ones like we did last night, and we'll do them on a regular basis. | ||
| Yeah, do it once a month, you think? | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Next time we do it, we can't just have people just walking in and sitting down and grabbing microphones. | ||
| It was just too many people as it is, and like, Burr got interrupted a bunch of times, then fights broke out between people that weren't even supposed to be there and people that we wanted to be there, so we'll fix that next time. | ||
| We get Stan Hope to come in once a month. | ||
| Yeah, he'll do. | ||
| He loves being here. | ||
| Yeah, he loves it. | ||
| He flies in. | ||
| Johnny lives right down the street. | ||
| Fucking pop in there. | ||
| Yeah, and doesn't Hennigan have an apartment here? | ||
| Hennigan has Stanhope's whole apartment. | ||
| Yeah, so he'll be here all the time. | ||
| But we could do those, dude, anytime we want, and we call him the end of the world. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Dude, last night was so much fun. | ||
| And when Stanhope read that note at the beginning, where, you know, he was panicking about it, and he was really super worried, and then I was like, come on, man. | ||
| It's just gonna be easy. | ||
| Your response was perfect. | ||
| It's just, hey, man, don't worry. | ||
| We'll just hang out and talk. | ||
| We'll get fucked up. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| Yeah, easy. | ||
| This is gonna be easy. | ||
| I think, man, I'm in. | ||
| End of the year podcast once a month, I'm fucking in. | ||
| Yeah, maybe not once a month, man. | ||
| Maybe we do it quarterly. | ||
| You know, get people jazzed up for it. | ||
| Prime people up and have some reason to do it, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could do a gang of those. | ||
| Those are so fun. | ||
| And, again, it's one of those things where we're all together like that. | ||
| We all just start making each other laugh. | ||
| Like, when we were laughing at Burr, you could see Burr start ramping it up. | ||
| Like, because he's got an audience of his friends, too, you know? | ||
| So we got all excited. | ||
| Gotta get Diaz on. | ||
| Diaz was supposed to come by last night, but I think he had a spot somewhere at 10 and then was going to shoot over there afterwards, but it probably went long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know, it's hard to get him to go out when he doesn't want to. | ||
| We'll do it the way it was supposed to go last night, which is like... | ||
| We get the core of, like, four guys, or three guys, four guys, and then throw out some invites to guys that we know that will be fun on there. | ||
| Like, Jim Jeffrey showing up was great, minus the child. | ||
| Yeah, we were like, what? | ||
| Burr and I were looking at each other like, what in the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Is that a baby? | ||
| But Jim was so confused. | ||
| He's like, I thought it would be a good idea! | ||
| Yeah, I'm down for a lot of stuff, but I think less the better, honestly. | ||
| I think four people's the maximum. | ||
| I think we were way over the top yesterday, you know, and at times it was so difficult for people not... | ||
| I think we did a great job, considering, of not talking over each other, but it was really hard. | ||
| Like, there was a lot of times when people start a rant and someone would just shit-can it and dive right into the rant, and then they would have to try to restart the rant, and then someone else would... | ||
| Recognize there's a weakness, and they try to step into, and it's like, oh, this is bad. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| You need guys that like... | ||
| Are good at that. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm perfect at it. | ||
| I definitely have flaws, but like, I will promise you when I got on that stage, I was like, I was not there to interrupt Joe, Bill, Greg, or Doug. | ||
| Nor are we to you. | ||
| You know, no one's trying to do it. | ||
| It's just like you might have something really funny to say, and you feel like you've got to get it out now, but someone else is still talking, and you're like, fuck, when is this guy going to talk? | ||
| And then three other people are waiting to talk, like, fuck, I'm not going to be able to get this out, and I'm going to forget it. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| And noticing when you go, oh, there's a punchline right there, but in my head I go, Bert, if you recognize that, wouldn't you also enjoy to hear what Greg Fitzsimmons take on that very recognizable punchline will be? | ||
| Because it'll be better than yours, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Or, you know, either way, he's talking. | ||
| You know, like, let him rant it out. | ||
| There's nothing worse than, like, someone waiting while you're ranting, because then you feel them waiting, and they're like, but it's... | ||
| And you're still doing it. | ||
| Like, hey, you're trying to dance with me, motherfucker. | ||
| You're trying to step in on the dance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're in mid-stride, it's hard. | ||
| And the person around you has to kind of recognize that. | ||
| And one of the big differences is the difference between someone who's talking to you With you like some people just talking to you and they're waiting for their chance Like when you're done talking then I'm gonna talk and some people are talking with you like you're talking and then they go oh Okay, | ||
| and then they start asking a question They're talking with you and they might have a rant and they might not they might have something funny to say and they might not But they're having a conversation with you and that's way easier to listen to see when people just start talking at each other and They're not listening to the other person. | ||
| They're just waiting. | ||
| We're all guilty that sometimes sometimes you fucking zone out, you know When you're talking to people. | ||
| But if you're not engaged, the people listening are going to be aware of that too. | ||
| So it's going to be weird to listen to. | ||
| Yeah, it would be weird to listen to. | ||
| It's clunky. | ||
| I can't wait to listen to the podcast. | ||
| It's up right now? | ||
| The YouTube version's up. | ||
| Is the iTunes version up? | ||
| No? | ||
| It's still rendering? | ||
| Okay, we're gonna upload it when this podcast. | ||
| Make sure it's up by tomorrow morning because I want to listen to all my flight. | ||
| I'm gonna be pissing myself. | ||
| We'll have it up tonight. | ||
| Where are you flying? | ||
| Baltimore. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Baltimore. | ||
| Wait, what are you doing out there? | ||
| I'm doing the Comedy Factory? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Where's that at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're gonna have to Google it, guys. | ||
| What did Ari just say? | ||
| I'll have my boy John Rollo come visit you. | ||
| Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't say this out loud, but this is Ari's last podcast. | ||
| Take a look at that. | ||
| Can't say it out loud. | ||
| No, I mean, I can. | ||
| I don't know if... | ||
| He doesn't mind sharing his numbers. | ||
| Oh, he's trying to pull his numbers up. | ||
| No, that's what his downloads are for 16 hours. | ||
| That's pretty amazing. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys, go on Ari's podcast if you're ever curious of me and our fat shaming. | ||
| Oh, this is the most recent one that you guys did together? | ||
| Me and Ari did one, and Ari and I made a bet. | ||
| Me, Ari, and Tommy made a bet. | ||
| By January 3rd, We did our BMIs, and Tom and I both registered obese. | ||
| But Tom's lying about his height, but regardless, he's fucking 5'9". | ||
| He says he's 6 foot. | ||
| He's like, I'm 6 foot and like a half. | ||
| You don't think he's 6 foot, Jamie? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's right up next to me. | ||
| He's close, but I don't know if he's 5'9". | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| You ever hung out with Tom? | ||
| Does he tower over you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, exactly. | ||
| But he's taller than me. | ||
| I'm 5'8". | ||
| I'm only 5'8". | ||
| He's probably 5'10", then. | ||
| Yeah, I think he might be six feet. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| I just don't see Tommy lying about anything. | ||
| No, he doesn't lie. | ||
| It's a misinformation he feeds to himself to make himself feel better. | ||
| Same way he says that I'm fat and he's skinny. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's really honest about that. | ||
| He even says, like, when this first started, he goes, when this first started, who is fatter, me or Bert? | ||
| He said this on Ari's podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's like, me for sure, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's like, yeah. | ||
| He goes, that's what I think. | ||
| I was definitely fatter than him. | ||
| He goes, but he's fatter than me now. | ||
| No, we're the same weight right now. | ||
| We're the exact same weight right now. | ||
| Right, but you might be built different than him. | ||
| Yes, he has a cop body, and I have more like an Olympic athlete in the 30s. | ||
| And so our bet is Ari said that neither of us could get to just simply being overweight on the BMI scale. | ||
| You could definitely do that. | ||
| Which is like 225. If you listen to me, I can get you down to almost nothing. | ||
| Then that's it. | ||
| What would you want to weigh? | ||
| Like ideally, what would you want to weigh? | ||
| It was funny because Tom said, you know, we should be weighing like 190. Yeah. | ||
| But that, I would look ridiculous. | ||
| My head would look huge. | ||
| That is a weird thing that happens to people when they gain weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your head gets bigger. | ||
| Yeah, my, oh dude, I have a size A hat. | ||
| Have you ever seen how big my head is? | ||
| I can look at it right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| Put my hat on. | ||
| Feel how big that hat is. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Dude, this is hilarious. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| The amount of space between his hat and my head is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Dude, there's like several inches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, look at this. | ||
| I have a fucking massive head. | ||
| Look at the space we're talking about here. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Between his head and my head. | ||
| I mean, no exaggeration. | ||
| It's a solid inch all around the front. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Your head's giant. | ||
| Why are you not smarter? | ||
| What? | ||
| How come you're not smarter? | ||
| My mom says I am. | ||
| And you're not tapping into it? | ||
| Maybe that's what the booze is. | ||
| You're like, too much information! | ||
| Too smart! | ||
| I want to take my high school entrance exam number. | ||
| It registered. | ||
| I want to take my high school entrance exam again and see if I've gotten dumber or smarter. | ||
| Oh, you're definitely dumber. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's not that you're dumber, so you forget all the stuff that you had to memorize. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't remember anything about calculus. | ||
| You put a division problem in front of me or a percentage. | ||
| Imagine if your brain kept growing and you had an issue and you had to kill brain cells by drinking in order to keep your head from pressing up. | ||
| The brain from pressing up against the side of your head. | ||
| The only way you can get past that is to just fucking get hammered every night. | ||
| If you don't, you have massive headaches. | ||
| Or panic attacks. | ||
| Because I think that's what I'm... | ||
| Your brain, maybe that's what's going on. | ||
| Your head is so big and your brain inside of it keeps growing. | ||
| And that's why you're boozing it. | ||
| You're just trying to kill the weeds. | ||
| Kill the weeds. | ||
| Yeah, and the feeling that makes you feel lonely and... | ||
| Yeah, kill all that stuff. | ||
| Kill it. | ||
| So anyway, here's the bet with me and Ari and Tommy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So we are going to get just to overweight, which is like 225. Why don't you guys just get healthy? | ||
| We're going to try. | ||
| We're going to try. | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I can do it. | ||
| I definitely can do it. | ||
| 100% you can do it. | ||
| I totally can do it. | ||
| So why don't you just do it? | ||
| I am doing it. | ||
| I'm doing it right now. | ||
| Do it right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many beers do you have? | ||
| Three. | ||
| Four. | ||
| Four. | ||
| That's not doing it. | ||
| Well, yeah, not right now. | ||
| None of those are diet. | ||
| These were extras. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| No, I don't know what that means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Corona? | |
| Extra? | ||
| What is the difference? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| But anyway, so here's the bet, though. | ||
| If Tom and I can get to under-obese... | ||
| Then Ari has to pay for a trip that the three of us will take. | ||
| If Tom or I can't get to under obese, whoever can't, or if both of us can't, then we've got to pay for the three of us to go on a trip. | ||
| Ooh, I like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to be in a bet? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No, I wouldn't bet against either one of you. | ||
| I'd try to help you. | ||
| What would my diet be? | ||
| Ketosis? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And no sugar and no alcohol. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| See, if you want to do it. | ||
| Sunday, I'm starting a diet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So the drinking is to squash anxiety? | ||
| Yeah, for me, mostly. | ||
| Like, when I'm on the road, I'm not someone who can just, like... | ||
| Chill? | ||
| I cannot just sit in a hotel room and just sit there. | ||
| Like, when I get off stage... | ||
| And by the way, and this is going to sound like a lie, but, like, I don't really drink on stage. | ||
| I bring a drink on stage for the first show. | ||
| I don't touch it because I'm talking for an hour. | ||
| I'm the only one talking. | ||
| I don't drink in between shows. | ||
| On the second show, I'll definitely have a drink, but now that's one drink probably I've had throughout the whole night. | ||
| So at midnight, when I'm done working, I'm like, I'm gonna have a couple beers, because I'm done working. | ||
| And then I'm like, well, I'm not gonna go fucking sit in my room sober. | ||
| I mean, that's what I should do, but I definitely... | ||
| So you hit that minibar? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| But I'll just sit at the club. | ||
| Sit at the club and have a few drinks and then go back to my room. | ||
| Not fucking plastered, but definitely with probably 600 more calories than I should have had. | ||
| And that's where the weight loss... | ||
| When I stop drinking, it literally tears off of me. | ||
| Now, how long have you not drank for? | ||
| What's the longest time? | ||
| I just wasn't drinking for three weeks. | ||
| How much weight did you lose? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| I got down to 235 was the lowest I got, but I wasn't really working out at the time. | ||
| How much weight do you usually weigh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right now I'm 242. So you lost about 10 pounds-ish? | |
| Yeah, about 10 pounds. | ||
| 8 to 10? | ||
| Just not doing anything. | ||
| I didn't even change my diet. | ||
| I was eating like shit, but I stopped drinking just because we were going under renovation, and I was getting allergies, and I got sick, and I was like, eh, I'm not going to drink. | ||
| I want to get healthy. | ||
| So I didn't drink, and I wasn't smoking pot, and then all of a sudden I was like, This is boring. | ||
| I know shit. | ||
| Imagine watching a marching band, but they don't have the instruments, they just play the tape. | ||
| What I like is long periods of sobriety followed by pot. | ||
| Like when I take a long time off, like many days off, and then I'll smoke a little weed, then I go on like adventures. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can go on an adventure of the mind, or I'll go on a hike. | ||
| You know, I like to get fucked up and go on a walk up hills and shit like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And when I don't do it for a while and then I do it, then I get a different feeling out of it. | ||
| Yesterday was the first time I've smoked pot in probably three months. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It must have hit you hard. | ||
| It was so much fucking fun. | ||
| It was so much fun that I remember sitting on stage. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| I had a very surreal moment, but sitting on stage and looking at the lights and looking at the people going, You know what, man? | ||
| Why would anyone not love this drug? | ||
| This is pure joy. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| I feel confident. | ||
| I feel good about myself. | ||
| Makes you friendly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It makes you a little anxious sometimes. | |
| It does do that, right? | ||
| It'll give you a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of paranoia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, the three weeks was recent. | ||
| I didn't drink. | ||
| But I wasn't working out because I was sick. | ||
| But I just lost like eight pounds not doing anything. | ||
| And eating kind of shitty. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, because if you want to drink all the time, it's going to be super hard to lose weight, for real. | ||
| But if you could go back to that, go back to not drinking, if you think you could perform and have a good time and be you, and you definitely could. | ||
| I don't have a problem performing without alcohol at all. | ||
| It's after the show. | ||
| But even then, if you just decided you wanted to step away from that, you could totally do it. | ||
| I would really, really genuinely love to be able to smoke pot by myself in a hotel room and not lose my fucking mind. | ||
| What about candy, like pot candy, like a small dose? | ||
| Man, I've done it, and I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm stone sober. | ||
| I'm like, this is going to be my transition to relaxing. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I feel my assholes mesh into the couch, and I'm like, I ate too much. | ||
| And then I'm like, okay, I can't breathe. | ||
| All right, you know what? | ||
| I'm going down to the bar, and I'm getting a glass of wine, and I'm going to fucking relax. | ||
| And then you're down there and you're weird and some lady sits next to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She wants to talk to you. | ||
| You think someone sneezes and you say, God bless you! | ||
| And now you look like a Christian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| I get nervous around you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Xanax would be the alternative. | ||
| That was my old school way of, like, just going back, taking half of Xanax and going to sleep, or an Ambien. | ||
| But that's fucking drugs. | ||
| I mean, it's the same, same. | ||
| I know adults, like several adults, that take Adderall and Ambien all the time. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the combo, apparently. | ||
| That's a combo. | ||
| And these guys, like this guy, if you knew him, you know, very... | ||
| Successful tech guy. | ||
| You know, he's one of those tech guys, and he's taken Adderall every fucking day. | ||
| Takes it every day. | ||
| Gives him an edge. | ||
| And then he goes to sleep, so I take a sleeping pill. | ||
| My guy I used to work with used to take Modafidil every day. | ||
| Modafinil is interesting. | ||
| I've taken that before, many times. | ||
| I've taken what's called NuVigil. | ||
| NuVigil is the newer version. | ||
| It's ProVigil and NuVigil. | ||
| I haven't taken ProVigil once, I don't remember. | ||
| But I've taken NuVigil several times. | ||
| And it's weird, because it doesn't... | ||
| Pick you up like a speed. | ||
| It's not like caffeine, like you have a crazy buzz, but it's like you're awake. | ||
| You're like tuned into things. | ||
| It's actually illegal in the Olympics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, so it has some sort of performance benefits to it. | ||
| And apparently, I might be spreading disinformation here, but that's nothing new. | ||
| Google this for yourself if you want verification. | ||
| Apparently it was invented as... | ||
| A performance-enhancing drug, but they had to give it some sort of a medical reason that we would take it. | ||
| And they said, uh, narcolepsy. | ||
| Because it kind of keeps you awake, keeps you fired up. | ||
| But fighter pilots like it, apparently. | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel? | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel takes it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it makes sense. | ||
| By the way, that's bro information. | ||
| Bro science. | ||
| Bro science. | ||
| But yeah, I've heard that he's narcoleptic and he takes... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| A comedian that's narcoleptic. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| You're on stage and just... | ||
| Imagine him falling asleep in the middle of one of his monologues. | ||
| Hitting your fucking head, falling down and hitting your head is no joke. | ||
| That was the Hillary Clinton story from 2012. That's also what happened to Bingo. | ||
| Bingo had some sort of a seizure recently and fell and hit her head and she's in really dire straits. | ||
| Stan Hope, I think, is flying back to her now. | ||
| But it was one of the reasons why he was probably a wee bit hostile this Tuesday. | ||
| He pulled me aside when I got there and he was like, I'm barely holding it together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, if we have a safe word, if you notice it, to say, hey, Doug could use a shot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's keeping together better than a lot of people would in that situation. | ||
| Oh, much better than me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
| I really love that guy. | ||
| Alright, so we committed to it, Bert. | ||
| End of the world. | ||
| So we'll do the end of the world. | ||
| Like, we'll do it with four people. | ||
| We'll do it every couple months. | ||
| And we'll swap people out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'll be a fucking blast. | ||
| Just call it the end of the world. | ||
| The end of the world. | ||
| Life in the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alrighty. | |
| I think we did three and a half hours, dude. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| It's after five. | ||
| Yeah, it's 510. Holy shit, man. | ||
| 505, rather. | ||
| Yeah, it's 505. Bert Kreischer, Friday night, La Machine, November 11th, 10pm, Showtime. | ||
| Do not fuck this up, folks. | ||
| Set that DVR, goddammit. | ||
| Get on it. | ||
| Please, please get on it. | ||
| And you guys were cool as fuck promoting it all throughout the podcast last night. | ||
| Oh, my pleasure, my friend. | ||
| I know it's gonna be hilarious. | ||
| I'm excited that you did it, too. | ||
| I'm really excited that you're spending more time in stand-up. | ||
| You know, I just think, uh, it's like what we were saying about your show. | ||
| Like, your show is fun, and I love doing it, but you're almost, like, not tapping your potential as a comic, because you're so funny. | ||
| You've got to do it, right? | ||
| We have to do it. | ||
| So we've got to put in the work. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Anything else to tell these people about? | ||
| Burtcast on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari and I have been talking numbers a lot. | ||
| And so for those of you who don't know, Ari and I are texting our first day numbers to each other just because we are full fucking disclosure. | ||
| That's a beautiful thing about the friendships I've had based on meeting you a lot of is my friends, we tell each other how much we make. | ||
| We tell each other what our numbers are so that we don't get fucked or they can get better things. | ||
| Yeah, and you've got to be honest, too. | ||
| I think it's important. | ||
| Like, dude, I did not sell good in Cleveland or something about Cleveland. | ||
| Yeah, Pittsburgh was rough for me. | ||
| We open up our libs in front of each other and go through our podcast and go, Oh, you had him. | ||
| You didn't do well with him? | ||
| How come? | ||
| I wonder why. | ||
| Like, when your numbers were low on him? | ||
| Well, what's really cool about podcasts as opposed to... | ||
| We might as well just keep that song on just slightly lightly. | ||
| As opposed to anything else is the numbers are so hardcore. | ||
| Whereas like you get like ratings like, oh, we have a 1.5 on the Nielsens. | ||
| You don't really know how many people that is. | ||
| You're just guessing based on this algorithm they created over a very small amount of houses. | ||
| It's not that many people you're polling from. | ||
| It's certainly not 100%. | ||
| When you're getting a podcast and you see that number, that is 100% of the people that have downloaded it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| There's no ifs, ands, or buts. | ||
| It's very... | ||
| I mean, some of them might have downloaded it twice if they're crazy. | ||
| But for the most part, without whatever percentage you have that are repeats, for the most part, that's unique people. | ||
| Yeah, Tommy and I... Tommy, me, and Ari always talk about this. | ||
| And they're the ones that said, you need to really focus on your podcast. | ||
| You're slipping on your podcast. | ||
| So I picked it out every Wednesday. | ||
| I focused on the guests. | ||
| I only get guests I want to talk to that I'm interested in now. | ||
| I don't do bullshit like, uh, he seems love. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Just get, I need a guest. | ||
| I do guests I want... | ||
| And I released it on Wednesday, and man, my numbers have tripled in like five months. | ||
| And Ari's numbers are going through the roof. | ||
| Tom's numbers are fucking sick right now. | ||
| Yeah, podcasts are exploding. | ||
| And people can reach your podcast how? | ||
| Burtcast.com. | ||
| Just type in Burtcast.com. | ||
| And I'm going to step up to the next level. | ||
| Step it up to the next level. | ||
| I gotta get a Jamie. | ||
| You gotta get a Jamie in a studio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would love to get a fucking studio. | |
| I would love to get a fucking studio. | ||
| Oh, I'd love to get a fucking studio. | ||
| I need a fucking studio! | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| We'll be back. | ||
| This weekend is the UFC, so I'm gone. | ||
| Have a good time, and see you soon. | ||
| A lot of guests next week, so see you, buddy! |
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