Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
I don't know, I never cashed the checks. | ||
So, how'd you get into comedy? | ||
unidentified
|
We're live. | |
We are live. | ||
Real answer, bad childhood. | ||
Oh, that's everybody's real answer. | ||
If you didn't get into that for that reason, you'd probably have a shitty act. | ||
Yeah, that is so true. | ||
Because unless you weren't seen as a child or heard as a child and have this insatiable need to be seen and heard and understood. | ||
It's definitely a deficit. | ||
You can't be funny. | ||
Dude, what the fuck were you doing in Vietnam? | ||
Because this is one of the reasons I didn't want to talk to you about this before that. | ||
I didn't want to see you before this. | ||
I just wanted to get you in. | ||
And I'm glad we didn't talk about it before. | ||
But I went to your Instagram page and I saw these pictures of you working with these children that have cleft palates. | ||
And I saw all these photos of you in Vietnam. | ||
So tell me what are you doing? | ||
Yeah, so there's this charity called Operation Smile. | ||
And I usually work in animal charities because people, I think, are usually the problem. | ||
And helping people just seems to make more proliferate. | ||
And in terms of charity stuff, I think that just why I started wanting to get more involved is, if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I started not liking the person that I was. | ||
I started realizing I was the person who was like... | ||
God, traffic is like crazy today. | ||
And like, oh my God, Starbucks is out of soy milk? | ||
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
Like, I was just like, whoa. | ||
What made you feel like you were going to a place that you didn't like or becoming a person you didn't like? | ||
I think it's like, you know, doing like working with animals and like, you know, going to sort of parts of town that I wouldn't normally go to, to rescue animals and dogs. | ||
You start going like, oh, there's a real world outside this Truman show that we live in of the fake sets and the fake this and the fake people and the fake, you know, makeup and the fake clothes and everything. | ||
I was just like, oh, like that. | ||
I live in a funhouse. | ||
You know, sometimes when you're in this business. | ||
I mean, stand-up keeps me, you know, a real person. | ||
Is it TV shows that get you? | ||
I think it's TV shows. | ||
I think it's writing fake scripts about fake people and fake lots and fake houses and, you know, fake edit bays. | ||
And I just was, like, really concerned about, you know, and knowing you know way more than I do, but... | ||
What I do know about neurology is that our brains acclimate to whatever environment we're in. | ||
And I was like, if I'm in this environment all the time, my brain is just going to start acclimating accordingly. | ||
I find it in little ways. | ||
If I have a small purse, I only need a small purse. | ||
If I wear a big purse, all of a sudden I've filled it up with shit. | ||
It's like you kind of acclimate to what you have. | ||
And so I was like, yeah, I don't like the things that come out of my mouth. | ||
I don't like my inner monologue. | ||
I don't like the fact that I get annoyed when my Uber's not on fucking time. | ||
So I kind of wanted to get some perspective and really get out there and not just give money for my own selfish guilt shit. | ||
Like, oh, I'm just going to give money. | ||
And so I went to Vietnam for two weeks and did this... | ||
I went to Tokyo for a couple days before then, which was actually really interesting. | ||
I went and got to watch the surgeries. | ||
It was also cool because, I don't know if you ever went through this, but I think I got sick of myself. | ||
Like I just kind of was like, I'm sick of my voice. | ||
I'm sick of my making jokes. | ||
I'm sick of being funny. | ||
I'm sick of like, and there's something about being around people that don't speak English that kind of strips you of your like persona. | ||
You know, of your, all the things that you just, because some, I mean, I just, I don't want to go through life like a sleepwalking zombie who's just like doing a bad impression of myself every day. | ||
Right. | ||
Because it's so easy to do. | ||
And I find, I felt like life was a little bit groundhog day. | ||
But get up, work out, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, bits, bits, bits, you know. | ||
Insecure, insecure, you know. | ||
And I got a little bit sick of that rhythm. | ||
And I was like, there's got to be something more. | ||
Deeper. | ||
And, you know, we're seekers and I was like thinking about my next special and the next thing I'm going to write. | ||
And I was like, I don't want to just... | ||
And I felt like my brain was... | ||
It had this... | ||
There was like patterns and rhythms that I was like, I keep going to the same place for, you know, creatively. | ||
And I was like, I want to go to a different place entirely. | ||
So I got to like... | ||
Challenge my brain and throw some new shit at it. | ||
And being around people that don't speak English is really... | ||
And first of all, have no idea who you are, which is another experience when you're used to people knowing who you are and having expectations of you and thinking you're going to be funny or... | ||
You know, when you're known, all of a sudden you have the power, whether you want it or not, in a room. | ||
You know, you walk into a room and you have the power. | ||
Whether you're interested in having it or not, you just do, right? | ||
Joe Rogan walks in, everyone's like, oh, Joe Rogan, see everyone be cool and everyone's trying to impress you. | ||
Everybody changes, right? | ||
So you never get to see people's authentic self because you inherently affect them with your presence. | ||
You know, there's some, I can't remember the term in science where it's impossible to measure the thing because the measuring tool affects the amount. | ||
unidentified
|
The observer. | |
Yeah, exactly. | ||
So you never know how people really are because your presence actually affects them. | ||
But if they've never heard of you, which in Vietnam, no one ever heard of me. | ||
Not a lot of fans over there. | ||
And so you're just like... | ||
You know, you can't rely on any of that shit that we've become used to relying on. | ||
And talking to people that don't speak English, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I can't use all my go-to strategies, charm, manipulation, jokes. | ||
Like, no one cares. | ||
And so it was really pretty cool. | ||
Vietnam in general, we'll talk about. | ||
I'm sure you have your thoughts on Asia. | ||
Mine, I think, are... | ||
Kind of probably going to be polarizing and get me in trouble. | ||
I think it's a fucking mess over there. | ||
But there's also I think that when, you know, I mean, you have kids, you have more of a Insight into what's real and what's not. | ||
I also noticed that when both of my parents had strokes, which was awful obviously, but I liked the person I became after it happened. | ||
I was like, all of a sudden when something tragic happens to you, things become clear, your priorities become clear. | ||
If someone asks you to go to lunch that you don't want to hang out with, you say no. | ||
You're not like, sure, I guess I'll... | ||
Like, you're just... | ||
Everything becomes very black and white. | ||
Do I want to do this? | ||
Do I not? | ||
Is this an effective use of my time? | ||
Is this not? | ||
So I was like, oh, if I just expose myself to a little bit more... | ||
Not tragedy, but maybe, you know, and stop hanging out with a bunch of people with fake problems and hang out and surround myself with real problems, then maybe I'll stop thinking I have a bunch of problems I don't really have. | ||
I always love talking to you because you're probably one of the most ruthlessly introspective people I know. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
You don't think you are? | ||
You're pretty brutally introspective. | ||
I just... | ||
Thank you. | ||
I just am... | ||
I don't want to be a zombie. | ||
I don't... | ||
Most people are just sleepwalking through life. | ||
And that does not interest me. | ||
Have you had very many psychedelic experiences? | ||
You know what? | ||
I haven't. | ||
And I was going to do ayahuasca last year, but I had been on antidepressants. | ||
And yeah, and I only went on them. | ||
It's such a bummer. | ||
And I actually want to talk about this in my next special because they were given to me because I was having trouble sleeping. | ||
I had insomnia, which I recently learned about how insomnia sort of came about, and it's actually really important. | ||
And I wish that there were doctors out there who studied shit like that. | ||
Like, insomnia, usually people are insomniacs. | ||
Fucking thousands of years ago, people in the tribes, My tribal life, before street lights and alarm systems, there were people who were responsible for staying up while everybody else slept. | ||
They were called the night watchers, basically. | ||
And night watchers would breed with night watchers. | ||
And essentially... | ||
So you're a night watcher? | ||
I could be! | ||
That could be my... | ||
Because you know there's some people who are like, I just can't fall asleep until 3 in the morning. | ||
You know who never says that? | ||
unidentified
|
Who? | |
Farmers. | ||
People who actually fucking work. | ||
unidentified
|
That's so true. | |
Dudes who dig holes all day, they sleep like babies. | ||
Everybody, I know, the most unemployed people, they're like, I cannot sleep. | ||
It's like, yeah, because you haven't done one fucking thing. | ||
You don't do shit. | ||
Yeah, fucking go work out, bitch. | ||
unidentified
|
That's so true. | |
Yeah, you have three kids. | ||
I feel like my insomnia is going to go, or something. | ||
I feel like as soon as I have kids or something, my insomnia will. | ||
It'll probably still stay there. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, I guess I'll be a mother, so I'll never sleep again. | ||
That's an issue. | ||
But it's also it's a mental loop thing Like if you go to bed and you have a mental loop like I gotta get this I gotta fucking get my shit together I really have to do this. | ||
I really gotta start this diet. | ||
I really gotta start. | ||
Yeah journal There's a book that I need to write. | ||
I know I need to write it I need to fucking start should I get out of bed right now and start writing it and then that loop Will fuck with you and keep you up especially someone like you who's so hyper ambitious You always have like 15 different irons in the fire and you've got a fucking fireplace bellows and you're stoking that And you're on the phone at the same time. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
We'll do that. | ||
We'll definitely do that. | ||
You've almost got too many points of focus where I imagine that your brain getting down to a neutral point, it probably has a very difficult time. | ||
Yeah, and I've also done a couple things, you know, but also our brains are not designed to see the amount of light that we see. | ||
Like, the screens in our phone, like, our brain produces cortisol when they see it. | ||
It's like, wake up. | ||
Our brain, like, thinks our phone is the sun, basically. | ||
Yeah, that's true. | ||
Like, wake up. | ||
Have you seen the new feature on iPhones where it turns it down at 10 p.m.? | ||
You can set it? | ||
No, but mine is now in black and white. | ||
Oh, shit. | ||
This bitch is going back to Technicolor. | ||
She's going back to the 50s. | ||
Hey, I'm tired. | ||
You turn your phone black and white. | ||
I'm a fucking typewriter. | ||
What if someone sends you a picture? | ||
Then it's, you know, it's going to be very artsy. | ||
unidentified
|
How did you? | |
Give me that. | ||
Let me see your phone. | ||
I turned it black and white because... | ||
How did you do that? | ||
I didn't even know that was a setting. | ||
Yeah, it's a setting. | ||
Look at those folks. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's because the colors in your phone trigger a bunch of chemicals to be released in your brain that actually activate you. | ||
This is so ironic. | ||
You have a flower as your backdrop. | ||
unidentified
|
A flower that you can't see what the fuck it looks like. | |
It's basically a George O'Keefe. | ||
Ansel Adams. | ||
Is that the vagina lady? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's an octopus vagina, actually, that flower. | ||
But yeah, I'm super into... | ||
Like, you know, just if you understand how the brain works, you can usually hack it a little bit. | ||
So it's like when you look at your phone. | ||
So my phone, I actually, I used to be so addicted to it. | ||
Now I just have no interest in it. | ||
Because it's black and white? | ||
Yeah, it's just like, it's not giving me the dopamine and the chemicals that, you know. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yeah, colors do. | ||
What? | ||
Yeah, color. | ||
So turning your phone black and white makes it less attractive to you? | ||
Yes, less addictive. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Yes, because I'm like, phone, phone, and a lot of it is just the colors. | ||
It's just like, oh, cortisol, adrenaline, red produces adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and then I'm just like, now I'm just like, ugh, it's so... | ||
So what is the setting? | ||
How do you change it to black and white? | ||
Okay, you go to, I'll tell you. | ||
Hold on. | ||
I'll never do it, by the way. | ||
Why not try it? | ||
Try it for a day. | ||
Because I'll have a little thing called discipline. | ||
This is what I like to do. | ||
I don't. | ||
See that phone? | ||
unidentified
|
This is what I do. | |
I go like that, I shut it off, and then I do that. | ||
Can't do it. | ||
And then I walk away from that fucker. | ||
No, can't do it. | ||
Listen, it's not easy, and I've learned how to do it. | ||
I've learned how to do it. | ||
So, but... | ||
I have rules. | ||
That might not be your, what gives you dopamine. | ||
Oh, no, it is. | ||
No, look, I could sit down there. | ||
I get up in the morning and take a shit, and I'll look at that thing for fucking three hours. | ||
And what are you looking at, though? | ||
My legs are going numb. | ||
Just nonsense. | ||
My legs are going numb. | ||
It's nonsense. | ||
I'm reading articles that I don't need to read. | ||
I'm fucking looking at nonsense. | ||
I can do it. | ||
But what I do now is if I do it, I look at the important stuff. | ||
I go over, do I have any work emails that are pertinent? | ||
I'll check my work email. | ||
Nothing to deal with. | ||
Do I have any text messages that I need to deal with? | ||
Nothing to deal with. | ||
Shut it off, put it away, walk away. | ||
You and I, though, might have a different idea of what I need to deal with and what I don't. | ||
I sometimes get sucked into stuff that's completely unnecessary and frivolous. | ||
But that's also an addiction. | ||
And I'm texting about a fucking baby shower that I'm not even going to, and I'm just like, what am I doing? | ||
I'm difficult to get a hold of. | ||
Yeah, but you're very self-contained. | ||
I'm a little more, and I'm in recovery, we've talked about it, for codependence. | ||
So I sometimes struggle with the perceived discomfort of others. | ||
So I feel like I need to take care of people's feelings sometimes. | ||
Well, you're a caretaker in a lot of ways. | ||
That's why you love dogs. | ||
Babies. | ||
Dogs and dogs. | ||
Only the voiceless. | ||
Only people that can't help themselves. | ||
I understand. | ||
If you can help yourself and you didn't, that's not my problem. | ||
I've learned over the years that I only have a certain amount of, not just time, but a certain amount of focus. | ||
And that the less focus I give to things that I'm not really interested in, the more focus I'll have for things that I am interested in. | ||
It's like a real issue with my manager. | ||
Because I just fucking vanish for days. | ||
I don't answer phone calls. | ||
You have to. | ||
She'll call Jamie. | ||
No, I just got... | ||
Same thing. | ||
I had the same thing just happen with a manager who hadn't heard from me because I went to Vietnam and I got back and I was just like, I recently learned that when someone calls or texts, you don't have to respond. | ||
Like, I think we get in this obligatory sort of thing if we have to respond to everything. | ||
And it was actually interesting going to Japan because that culture is so... | ||
I'm using this word probably inappropriately, but for lack of a better word, codependent. | ||
It's so like having to take care of everybody's feelings. | ||
I was talking to this guy on a plane. | ||
There's so much respect for other people's feelings and status. | ||
I went on the plane on the way over. | ||
I sat next to this super interesting guy who creates tools for animators. | ||
I know, like the stuff that makes cartoons. | ||
I don't even have the vernacular to explain it. | ||
But he said it's really hard to do focus groups in Japan. | ||
You know, focus groups is when you go around and say, is this working? | ||
Is this not working? | ||
Because no one will respond until an elder responds and everyone just agrees with the elder. | ||
You're not allowed to disagree with someone older than you. | ||
There was an article about a lot of the, I think it was a couple of Malaysian airline flights that went down. | ||
They say it was pilot error because the co-pilot was afraid to disagree with the pilot. | ||
Oh, my. | ||
The pilot was wrong, but because of the inherent respect for your elders thing, he couldn't say, like, dude, we're going to crash if you fucking do that. | ||
And the plane went down. | ||
So it's so interesting. | ||
And I came back and I was like, oh, God, at least I'm not. | ||
And I mean... | ||
I think I was a little bit saddened by this culture of shame over there. | ||
We have it in different ways, but if you disgrace your family, you just jump off a building. | ||
So many people were jumping in front of trains. | ||
That the only way they could get them to stop jumping in front of trains when they shamed their family was saying, if people jump in front of trains, we're gonna bill your family for the cleanup. | ||
So that got them to stop, because they were like, oh, I don't want my family to have to get this bill, because that will disgrace them even more. | ||
So they had to use their shame against them as a way to get them to stop committing suicide. | ||
I mean, in China, Apple had to put nets around the building. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's how many people were jumping off it. | ||
Well, that's a real issue in and unto itself, because Apple's paying these people, and they're living in this building, and they're paying them dog shit. | ||
I mean, they don't have... | ||
These factories over in China because it's an awesome place to build phones. | ||
They have these factories over there because they could pay people virtually nothing and have them work all day. | ||
China, I've been to China before. | ||
Just in general, and I don't want to come from a judgy place because we obviously have our problems in the States, but it was just a really... | ||
I feel like when I went over there, everyone was like, God, you're just going to love it. | ||
Everyone's like, India's amazing. | ||
It's like... | ||
It's really poor, and people die of, like, dysentery. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, malaria. | |
Yeah, and there's, you know, baby girls have their heads smashed on rocks because of the dowry system. | ||
I mean, it's like, there's, you know, I feel like there's this... | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's a documentary on, I guess, iTunes. | ||
It's about infanticide in China and India because of the dowry system. | ||
So basically to have a child is a fortune. | ||
I'm sorry, to have a female because you have to pay someone to marry her. | ||
She can't work at your dad's family. | ||
And she's basically just like a financial drain. | ||
Which is just terrifying. | ||
So that goes on in China still. | ||
What terrifies me is that that's probably an ancient way of thinking and behaving. | ||
So like we look at today and we look at this world that we live in today and obviously we have a lot of issues with equality and we have a lot of issues with racism. | ||
We have a lot of issues with homophobia. | ||
But whatever issues we have are nothing. | ||
Compared to the echoes of our past. | ||
And when you look at something like that... | ||
And when, you know, there are hate crimes, that's an individual person against an individual person. | ||
That's not like a socially accepted thing. | ||
It's not like the Nazis. | ||
I'm not endorsing hate crimes, but if, you know, someone beats up a gay guy, most people think it was bad that he did that, and they go to jail. | ||
But it's one person who's fucked up, not an entire country that's like, yeah, that was a good idea. | ||
Yeah, it's like the last echoes. | ||
It's like the last reverberations. | ||
And not that our way is better. | ||
I'm not saying you guys have to become America, but it was just a little bit like, oh, this is like... | ||
Well, I like the fact that they're not America. | ||
I like that there's all these different cultures because I think it's fascinating that there's different parts of the world where people have figured out a different way to behave and they follow this different pattern. | ||
They've carved this groove. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And all the young people follow into this groove, give or take. | ||
And I think that's amazing. | ||
I mean, when you look at different parts of the world and you experience their culture or you look at how they're behaving and how they dress and how they speak and how they live their lives and their traditions, it is absolutely fascinating, these patterns of repeatable behavior, repeating patterns that exist all over the world and that they're so different. | ||
They're different in Thailand than they are in Germany. | ||
Totally. | ||
Fascinating. | ||
Different parts of the world are associated with having more humor or less humor or more discipline or more artistic freedom. | ||
It's weird. | ||
I always forget how young of a country we are. | ||
We are a minute old. | ||
compared to a lot of these countries, you know? | ||
So this is, they have thousands of years of history that we don't have. | ||
And, but it's like, how can you hold on to the really cool traditions and patterns and then release the more backwards ones and evolve and grow, you know? | ||
It's like, you know, it's just wild. | ||
I mean, in Vietnam, it's like, everyone's like, Vietnam is so beautiful. | ||
You're going to love it. | ||
And I was like, yeah, it's definitely beautiful, but I see poverty and air that no one can breathe. | ||
Everyone's wearing masks because they can't inhale. | ||
There's no emissions regulations. | ||
I was like, oh, right, white trust fund kids are like, Vietnam's beautiful. | ||
And they say that because they can come back to Korea. | ||
You know, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, or whatever. | ||
That's the thing, that white people love talking about brown people being amazing. | ||
It's like, look, I don't... | ||
Like, you're not a better person because you think Vietnam's amazing. | ||
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
Like, just admit that it's... | ||
We need to... | ||
I mean, I know we fucked it up. | ||
A lot of it's our fault of what we did in the 70s, but it was like... | ||
It was... | ||
It gave me a lot of anxiety, you know, because it was like, I mean, it was just like the hospitals. | ||
I mean, we were in a hospital and, you know, we needed four of this machine that puts babies to sleep. | ||
Pediatric anesthesia is very different than regular anesthesia. | ||
And it's essentially bringing people to the brink of death and then bringing them back. | ||
It's like incredibly fascinating job. | ||
And they had one of the machines that they needed. | ||
The pediatric anesthesiologist was like, we need four. | ||
And they're like, we don't have them. | ||
We just don't have them in this country. | ||
We just can't do surgery on babies. | ||
It's just not in our purview. | ||
It's not in our, you know, so back to the, you know, the kids come in with cleft palates and cleft lips, which the baby is essentially, they have trouble breastfeeding. | ||
It's cleft palates just, you know, just kind of this opening here and a separation. | ||
What causes that? | ||
Malnutrition. | ||
In the womb? | ||
Yep. | ||
Exposure to genetics. | ||
Exposure to pollution. | ||
I'm sure all that napalm we dropped in the 70s didn't really help. | ||
But yeah. | ||
And in America, it still happens, but it's handled right away. | ||
It's handled. | ||
It comes out three months later. | ||
It's fixed. | ||
No big deal. | ||
Over there, sometimes it's never fixed. | ||
I mean, you see adults. | ||
you see men that are 50 come in with giant, giant cleft lips and palates. | ||
And they've, and it's even worse in third world countries, especially African countries, because there's such a stigma attached to it. | ||
Not only is it, you know, in our brains to go like, he's different than me and ostracize or stigmatize someone, but, um, a lot of more religious countries think you're the devil or you're, you know, you can't get a job. | ||
You're, you And I think, and this is going to sound super corny, but I guess for me I connected so much to, maybe it's because we're comedians, I was like, look, It's one thing to grow up in a third world country. | ||
It's another thing to deal with poverty. | ||
But if you can't smile, like the basic, the only real medicine we have, you know, everybody has universal medicine of like laughing and smiling. | ||
It's how we connect to people. | ||
I mean, that's fucked. | ||
Like that was frustrating. | ||
And it's so easy to fix. | ||
That's the other thing that's like frustrating is it takes like 30 minutes. | ||
Look at Joaquin Phoenix. | ||
unidentified
|
Look at Joaquin Phoenix. | |
Isn't it weird? | ||
Yeah, he has a cleft lip, I think. | ||
But it's weird that he, Stacey Keech, isn't it weird that Joaquin Phoenix got it? | ||
I mean, he's like a white guy living in America. | ||
Yeah, it can be genetic. | ||
I mean, yeah, but also America has its history with fucked up shit, you know? | ||
You know, we're by no means squeaky clean. | ||
I mean, we're exposed to a lot of fucked up shit here, too. | ||
But we are the best, right? | ||
We are the best, yeah, exactly. | ||
America, fuck yeah. | ||
Murica. | ||
Murica? | ||
Murica. | ||
You'll like this. | ||
Oh, we talked about this last time. | ||
Just sort of like how we essentially always had to drink alcohol before we had potable water. | ||
I mean, people were just, you know, drinking. | ||
Well, that's why people drank wine out of those flasks they carried around. | ||
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
To keep from getting traveler's disease from water. | ||
That's what they would call it. | ||
Yeah, so it's completely. | ||
I wonder why people were such assholes. | ||
They were just hammered. | ||
Everyone was hammered. | ||
All the time. | ||
I mean, actually, when you think about it, it's a miracle that someone, I mean, Ford built a car. | ||
Like, it's like, if you were sober, you got to be like Rockefeller. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, I feel like the couple people who were sober just basically became like the biggest. | ||
Sober people who drank coffee. | ||
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
They just took over the world. | ||
That's it. | ||
Literally took over the world. | ||
Because, I mean, everybody was shitfaced. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But yeah, so it's crazy. | ||
I mean, have you ever seen a surgery? | ||
You would love it. | ||
I've never been in the room. | ||
I've had a bunch of surgeries, but I've never been in the room. | ||
I've had... | ||
One, two, three, two, three, four. | ||
What are they? | ||
Joints? | ||
Yeah, mostly joints. | ||
Mostly joints. | ||
My nose reconstructed. | ||
I have had my knees done. | ||
Thank you. | ||
Well, it was internal more than external. | ||
Okay, like I would never know. | ||
External is still fucked up. | ||
It's all broken up in here. | ||
It's like there's all these sharp edges underneath the skin that would break open pretty easy. | ||
Is it cartilage just on the end and then bone up here? | ||
Yeah, this is all cartilage. | ||
This stuff is all pretty much intact, but it's the inside of my nose that was all smashed, and so it was all closed off. | ||
I didn't have any breathing out of my nose. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
unidentified
|
Until I was like 39. And you're like, this is how people live? | |
Oh, my God. | ||
My whole life I couldn't breathe out of my nose. | ||
No bullshit. | ||
I fell on a flight of stairs when I was five. | ||
And I broke my nose pretty bad when I was five. | ||
A cement flight of stairs. | ||
I smashed my nose. | ||
We're going to get you an operation smile. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, it wasn't, you know, just... | ||
My parents were just like, he's alive. | ||
Leave him alone. | ||
There was no doctor trips. | ||
I broke my arm. | ||
My mother didn't even believe me. | ||
I had to lift it up. | ||
It was like up and down. | ||
It was so broken. | ||
She's like, stop breakdancing. | ||
Back then, it was just a different world. | ||
People were basically like monkeys. | ||
My parents were like monkeys. | ||
They were like monkey people. | ||
They didn't have the internet. | ||
They understand things now. | ||
Yeah, but I think there's a little bit of a pendulum swing to the other way. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Helicopter parents. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I was reading this thing about how this designer who's making more dangerous jungle gyms for kids because they've gotten too safe. | ||
My daughter broke her arm in a jungle gym. | ||
Yeah, you should call this person then. | ||
They're not safe. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, jungle gyms are just not safe. | ||
Or something more challenging or something. | ||
Like, I don't remember, like, it was something about... | ||
The real problem with jungle gyms is you need to understand what your capabilities are, and the only way to find that out is to fall. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
And if you're falling on these metal bars, you could fucking die. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Like, kids that break their arm easily could break their neck. | ||
unidentified
|
I can't believe... | |
Kids don't die all the time. | ||
Oh, they do. | ||
No, they do. | ||
Kids die all the time. | ||
When you have kids, you sort of pay attention to that kind of shit, and you realize, like, oh, kids fall on their head and die. | ||
Like, it happens all the time. | ||
You're not paying attention, and kids get... | ||
They don't understand boundaries and limitations. | ||
How do you, though, as a parent... | ||
Because I'm obsessed with this, because I'm already, like, I'm not close to having a child. | ||
I froze my eggs. | ||
So if anyone wants to send some sperm, Jamie... | ||
Now that I'm learning about your... | ||
That's why I'm asking, where are you from? | ||
Okay, where are you from? | ||
Slovenia? | ||
India? | ||
I'm really just trying to ascertain everyone's DNA and how strong it is. | ||
But is that... | ||
I just read a book called The Continuum Concept, which is like a parenting thing about babies. | ||
They can be held by anyone. | ||
It doesn't have to be their mom necessarily, but babies should always just be being held. | ||
Men and women kind of weren't supposed to live together. | ||
We're supposed to kind of fuck, and then you go off, and then all the women live together and help raise all the kids. | ||
So there was something interesting in that because in the first three years, a child's ability to believe in their own faculties, essentially, to trust other people and to feel like they are heard and seen depends on how much eye contact and physical touch they get. | ||
Yeah, because basically touching is going like, I see you, you're here. | ||
And the less touch and eye contact they get, the more invisible they feel and the more dangerous they feel the world is for them. | ||
Yeah, and there's this great, you'll love this, John Bowlby's theory of attachment, like when babies crawl, it's the same as... | ||
Venobo Apes is they'll crawl a foot and then they'll look back and see if dad's still looking at me. | ||
He is. | ||
I'm going to crawl another foot. | ||
He's still there, right? | ||
Babies turn around and check in. | ||
And then if on the fourth foot I turn around and dad is looking at his phone, I go, that's as far as I can go. | ||
And then it's dangerous after four feet. | ||
That's as far as I'll go where he'll still be there for me. | ||
So then we also, our sort of world and comfort zone is designed based on when your child loses your eye contact. | ||
So I've just been sort of learning about that, especially in lieu of like cell phones being the new alcoholism for kids. | ||
I feel like parents just on their phone while their kids are- On the playground. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
It's amazing how many people just don't pay attention to anything but their phone. | ||
I mean, I see it constantly. | ||
And I see it when people are by themselves. | ||
I see it when people are with their families. | ||
I see it when people are with their friends. | ||
How many times have you gone to a restaurant and you see a table full of people and everyone's on their phone? | ||
And no one's talking to the people right in front of them. | ||
Have you done, like, colleges recently? | ||
I stopped. | ||
Eat smart. | ||
I stopped more than a decade ago. | ||
Wow. | ||
I stopped, I think I did, University of Miami was the last one I did. | ||
I did it with Joey Diaz. | ||
That's chaos. | ||
unidentified
|
We had a good time. | |
Do you remember the Coconut Grove improv? | ||
Yes. | ||
You know, it closed. | ||
Yeah, thank God. | ||
They closed because there were so many fights breaking out. | ||
It was so bad. | ||
I literally told them that I would never work here again. | ||
I go, you people are so dumb. | ||
I'll never work here again. | ||
And they were laughing. | ||
I go, you're laughing. | ||
I go, I'm serious. | ||
This is the dumbest fucking audience in the country. | ||
I watched a guy do cocaine. | ||
I was opening for like... | ||
Was it Steve Byrne or Craig Shoemaker? | ||
Someone I was opening for 10 years ago and someone was doing cocaine on the table while I was on stage. | ||
Oh, I believe it. | ||
What happened with that place is they started giving away free tickets. | ||
And when you give away free tickets, you fuck yourself. | ||
Always. | ||
Those are bad. | ||
When you paper the room, you get terrible audiences. | ||
For a while, I was trying to give free tickets to people who couldn't afford them. | ||
So I'd always say my comps, like I have 10 comps in like the middle of nowhere. | ||
This actually happened in La Jolla. | ||
And I would tweet out like, hey, so if you can't afford to come to the show, send me an email, tell me why and I'll get you tickets. | ||
And I would check it myself. | ||
You know, Whitney, some email. | ||
And one time this guy emails me, just a testament to exactly, you know, give an inch, take a mile. | ||
And he emails me and gives me this long story. | ||
He's a, you know, a vet. | ||
You know, he's in a wheelchair. | ||
He can't drive down. | ||
He's going to have to get a cab and he can't afford to come. | ||
And, you know, the health insurance, the vet health insurance is a joke and all this whole thing. | ||
And I was like, such a no brainer. | ||
I was like, yep, you got it. | ||
Two tickets. | ||
Can't wait. | ||
And literally he started the email with like, This probably isn't even you, so Whitney's assistant, like, you know, no problem, and I'm such a big fan, and da-da-da. | ||
I write back, two tickets, all set. | ||
I don't hear back from him at all. | ||
I'm not checking again. | ||
Right before the show, I'm looking through my emails. | ||
It's 7.45, the show's at 8. I get an email back from him. | ||
Hey, babe. | ||
Hey, babe. | ||
I'm running a little late. | ||
I'm running a little late, and where do I park? | ||
Oh my god. | ||
It went from total awe and respect and adulation, you're probably not even going to check this, and I'm sure this will never happen, to I became his assistant. | ||
It's a microcosm of a relationship. | ||
He was courting you, and then he got you, and then he didn't give a fuck. | ||
After he fucked you, he stopped calling you? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Literally. | ||
And then I was like, oh, okay, do you need me to come out and meet you? | ||
And the dynamic totally switched. | ||
It's like as soon as you give someone something for free, they stop... | ||
Respecting it. | ||
Well, it's hard when you're communicating with someone just through email because you have to sort of ascertain, is this person crazy? | ||
Is this person super neat? | ||
Is this person completely delusional? | ||
Is this email going to be received as a friend? | ||
In the way that I intended. | ||
Is this going to be like... | ||
Hey, nice to talk to you. | ||
Glad you liked the show. | ||
Appreciate it. | ||
Oh, that's cool. | ||
You do that. | ||
That's interesting. | ||
Well, hey, nice talking to you. | ||
Is it going to be just like, oh, I had a cool conversation with a guy? | ||
Or is it going to be, open up the door to a wacky person? | ||
Now the wacky person has Whitney Cummings email. | ||
Oh, he still emails all the time. | ||
Hey, let me know next time you're in town. | ||
I mean, it's like, and he behaves as if I'm doing him a favor. | ||
I also had a great heckler, a guy that I got front row seats and paid for everything, started heckling me. | ||
It's always the people you comp tickets for. | ||
This was at La Jolla. | ||
La Jolla is always, you know, it's very... | ||
Sketchville. | ||
It's such sketch-filled. | ||
There's no fucking... | ||
All the security guards are open-mikers who are like 21. Bless their hearts. | ||
They're stoned out of their fucking minds. | ||
I mean, it's just so unsafe. | ||
And there's a lot of tension down there. | ||
I don't know if it's because there's the navies down there or there's a lot of military. | ||
Is that it? | ||
There's a lot of money. | ||
There's a lot of entitlement. | ||
It's a beautiful area. | ||
But for some reason, La Jolla is always... | ||
I don't know. | ||
There's always a fight. | ||
There's always a fucking girl who's like, fuck you! | ||
Like, a couple breaks up. | ||
I'm like, what the fuck is happening? | ||
I always have to kick people out of there. | ||
And so this guy's in the front row, and Kevin Christie is opening for me. | ||
And Kevin's very incisive. | ||
Like, he's very... | ||
Like, he's this comic, you know him. | ||
He's, like, kind of quiet, and doesn't speak a lot. | ||
But when he does, it's just exactly... | ||
It's just the truth. | ||
Like, he's just so real like that. | ||
And he said something once, because he was on the road with me for a while, and, like... | ||
35-40 minutes into all my sets at the time a guy would just snap and start yelling at me and he's like I think what happens is like they're like loving it funny funny female comedian funny it's funny but like 40 minutes in you just become their wife or the girl that wouldn't fuck them or their mother or something and they just see you it's like all of a sudden you just become a woman who's yelling at them and they're not allowed to talk back One guy just will snap. | ||
It always happens. | ||
And I had one guy storm the stage at me once and be like, who the fuck do you think you are? | ||
What? | ||
And it didn't feel like it was about me at all. | ||
It felt like a very old wound. | ||
You're like doing the soul. | ||
unidentified
|
I am. | |
The soul? | ||
It's dark, sad, because I could tell right away this has nothing to do with me. | ||
Do you remember what you were talking about? | ||
Well, I'll tell you. | ||
I do remember what this one guy in the front row that I comped was. | ||
He's sitting in the front. | ||
And I did this joke. | ||
This was my first special. | ||
I was getting ready for my first special. | ||
I did this joke about how every guy somewhere in his house or apartment or whatever has a jar of coins. | ||
Or like a bowl of coins, you know, where you guys put your change. | ||
It's like a change jar bowl. | ||
Right. | ||
You're rich. | ||
You probably just have a, you know, fucking... | ||
I throw change away. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
I don't need that stuff. | ||
I think it's trash. | ||
unidentified
|
No, I don't. | |
I give it to my kids. | ||
Right in the trash. | ||
They throw it away. | ||
That's right. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
I don't even like $1 bills. | ||
My kids... | ||
That's amazing. | ||
So, do you remember? | ||
I mean, there was a point in your life where I'm sure you had one. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
No, I rolled pennies up to make dinner. | ||
Yeah, guys have like, you know, they're change jar. | ||
And so I said it and it was like, whatever. | ||
And then the guy went from like laughing, laughing. | ||
And then as soon as I said that joke, he just looked at me and he went, that's so we can pay for your shit! | ||
Whoa. | ||
I was like, uh-oh. | ||
And from then on out, it was just like everything I said. | ||
He'd be like, well, that's because fucking you did it. | ||
And that's because if you didn't fucking spend so much money. | ||
So he's heckling. | ||
He's literally, he's in the front row, alone. | ||
Alone by himself? | ||
Alone by himself. | ||
Oh, that's not good. | ||
And you know that moment where someone's heckling and you're like, if only I can hear them, I'll keep going. | ||
But if the audience can hear them, I have to do something. | ||
So I finally had to go. | ||
But at the La Jolla Comedy Store, there's like a window into the street. | ||
So he went outside and just stood in the window and stared at me for the rest of the performance. | ||
unidentified
|
And I just remember he was just standing there. | |
And it was like, you know, so I think comedy can really trigger people sometimes. | ||
It's you're drinking, you're out, you have someone... | ||
You're talking about a guy that's willing to go to a comedy show by himself, though, and sit in the front row. | ||
Already a red flag. | ||
You should just kick that person out right away. | ||
This is a guy that emailed you, so you got- This is a different guy. | ||
Oh, yes, yes, yes. | ||
He emailed and, yeah, good point. | ||
So you have a connection with- He's probably thinking he's going to be in love with you. | ||
Yeah, maybe. | ||
He's going to straighten you out. | ||
So you're a little too mouthy. | ||
You're a little too talkative. | ||
You have too many opinions. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And he's like, yeah, I'll fucking- I know why. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'll just yell back at her. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Straighten her out. | |
Girls love that. | ||
Yeah, well, you know, there are people that think that people need to be put in check and that people like it. | ||
There's a comedian- I'll tell you the story now, but I'm not going to tell you who it is. | ||
Okay. | ||
Can I guess? | ||
Yes. | ||
Okay. | ||
But if you get it right, I'm not going to tell you until after. | ||
If I get it right, just go... | ||
Don't, because now I'm probably going to do that anyway. | ||
There is this thing, I think, that exactly what you're talking about... | ||
Jane Cook! | ||
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
You got it! | ||
Jane Cook! | ||
I do think there is this thing, the same way women sometimes meet a man and they're like, I can fix him, when he's probably not broken and is happy and fine. | ||
Or like, I'll whip him. | ||
I hear my friends say it all the time. | ||
And I'm like, no, no, he's fine. | ||
He's happy. | ||
You don't need to fix him. | ||
He doesn't think he's broken. | ||
And I think sometimes guys with me are like, I'll tame her. | ||
Like, I'll break her. | ||
You know, like, I'll... | ||
And there was this comedian who sent me a message on, I guess it was when I was on Facebook, or it wasn't MySpace, it was one of those, who I would always see around. | ||
And I'm pretty elusive. | ||
Like, you and I, we haven't got to hang at the comedy store that much, but I'm in and I'm out. | ||
Less so now. | ||
I would hang now because cool people are there now. | ||
But when you were gone, it was kind of... | ||
It's toxic in there and intense and not fun. | ||
Now it's a little more fun. | ||
And so I would just get in, do my set, and leave. | ||
Because I was trying to do a couple sets a night. | ||
I would just be like, hey, what's up? | ||
And we wouldn't flirt, but it would just be like, hey. | ||
And the kind of person who wants to give you tags. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, they're always bad. | |
They're like, you know what you should say there? | ||
And it's like, uh... | ||
And I get this message that was like rage, like a rage, rage email that was like, you know, you don't know what your, like, you know, the basic gist of it, I don't remember how it started, but it ended in like, you don't know what makes you cum. | ||
I can show you. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
I know, like, it was like, I was like, I obviously accidentally... | ||
Did they actually say that? | ||
You don't know what makes you cum? | ||
I'm sure I still have the screen grab of it. | ||
unidentified
|
How do you know? | |
I sent it to everyone. | ||
I'd be like, bitch, how do you know what makes me cum? | ||
Yeah, I don't, like, it was just, but it was like this... | ||
It was like an alpha reaction, I think, or something. | ||
Like, I just need to shame you or something. | ||
I don't know what it was. | ||
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
Yeah. | ||
But that's not alpha. | ||
Like, what is that? | ||
What would it take for you to say that to a girl? | ||
Well, that's a crazy person. | ||
Okay. | ||
Usually it's self-obsessed, like delusional, obsessive. | ||
Clinical, delusional narcissism or something. | ||
That's true. | ||
Yeah, completely narcissistic. | ||
Just to reach out like that to you. | ||
You know what that is? | ||
You are an accoutrement or you're a piece of wardrobe in his life. | ||
Interesting. | ||
And you don't want him to try you on. | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
Like, he's upset. | ||
Like, you're in my life, and it's not, why aren't you doing what I want you to do in my life? | ||
My life! | ||
That's clinical narcissism, is that everyone is an extension of you, and if you're not doing what I wrote, you're acting out. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's interesting. | ||
Well, there's a lot of people that feel like that. | ||
I mean, that's the classic example of why comedians don't like to work with other good comedians. | ||
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
Because they don't want anybody else doing well. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's got to be all about them. | ||
How many bad comedians do we know that take the fucking worst people on the road with them? | ||
The worst! | ||
It's so bad that you go, okay, do you hate your audience? | ||
I bring the people I think are the funniest because my audience is paying money. | ||
And... | ||
And you want to laugh, too. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
You want to have fun. | ||
I have to watch them, too. | ||
Yes, exactly. | ||
It doesn't benefit me to have less talented people around me. | ||
I actually do the opposite to a fault. | ||
I feel like I try to hire people who are more talented than me in every area of my life so that it makes me look better. | ||
Well, that's, again, you're weirdly introspective in that way. | ||
But there's a lot of people that get into comedy because of all the scars of their childhood, like we were talking about. | ||
And they don't heal those things. | ||
Instead, they just find workarounds. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They find a way where they can sort of express themselves. | ||
It's almost like, see, I told you! | ||
I showed the world! | ||
They never come to a neutral point. | ||
They never get over their childhood where they go, okay, well, what am I doing? | ||
Is there a benefit to what I'm doing here? | ||
Should I just stop if I'm healthy now? | ||
Should I just stop what I'm doing? | ||
Or should I use what I'm doing and just enjoy it and have a good time and then realize that I probably got here because of an unhealthy obsession or because of a bad childhood or whatever, but now that I'm kind of moving past that, maybe I could use this position to just have some fun. | ||
Exactly what you're saying like you just made it so clear to me what I was not being clear about in the beginning of like the You know if you bring unfunny people on the road you're really funny Comparatively and so all of a sudden you've created this little world for yourself where you become this king of the idiots Yes, | ||
but if you were to step outside that world You're all of a sudden at the bottom of the food chain like you create a world where at the top of the food chain Which is like why it was important to me to Go to other countries, be around people that have no idea who I am, that I don't pay, that don't think I'm funny, that can't even understand what I'm saying. | ||
It's just very humbling. | ||
And then you're like, oh, who am I without all this stuff? | ||
You know, without achievements and money and car or a car, whatever it is, you know, because I'm afraid that I might do that by accident. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because if you have people around you who are paid, who are afraid to say no to you, that's how you stop getting funny. | ||
Everyone around you is like, ah! | ||
I saw Chris Rock at the store once, I'm sure you have this, where he was working on, I don't know, not the Oscars or something. | ||
And he got on stage and he said something that was just like, hey, sorry I'm late. | ||
My car was, I couldn't find a spot for it. | ||
And everyone was like, ha ha ha ha! | ||
And he was like, that wasn't funny. | ||
Please don't laugh unless I say something funny. | ||
Please, please treat me like I'm normal. | ||
Yeah, he was like, that's how comics stop being funny. | ||
It's because people enable that. | ||
When you get so big, like you, it's like, you know, people stop. | ||
I mean, your audience, I'm sure, is really... | ||
Well, we can all be guilty of it. | ||
What you're talking about is navigating all these landmines that success can set up for you, which are better landmines than failure, but still landmines. | ||
And the landmines of fame are particularly intoxicating because when someone has a bunch of fans that say, oh my god, Mike Fuckface is here. | ||
Yay! | ||
Oh my god, it's Mike! | ||
And they go run up to you. | ||
I can't believe you're so amazing! | ||
Thank you. | ||
Thank you very much. | ||
Do you want to take a picture with me? | ||
I'm cool with that. | ||
It becomes this thing where you get accustomed to that. | ||
It gets so myopic and you forget that there's six billion people that don't have any fucking idea who you are. | ||
And if Mike Fuckface is around Tony McDickface, and Tony McDickface is more famous, like Tony McDickface has a movie out now, then Mike Fuckface gets really mad. | ||
Like, Tony McDickface is stealing my shine. | ||
Yes, you're exactly right. | ||
Have you ever seen those guys before? | ||
Both represented by Barry Katz. | ||
I think they just left Barry. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they're doing his podcast. | ||
They just went to three yards. | ||
But it is that sort of thing. | ||
No, I literally found myself, because it's also, if you do achieve anything, it doesn't matter because you're just comparing yourself to someone with more achievements. | ||
So I'm recreating this feeling of failure at every level of success and recreating this unhappiness at every level where I have no real problems. | ||
You know? | ||
It's like, yeah, I have... | ||
They're bullshit problems. | ||
Yeah, they're fake problems. | ||
It's like, you know, it's like, yeah, my parents are sick. | ||
Yeah, I have a lot of, you know, real things. | ||
But it's also, it's like, you know, I can pay the bill to get them. | ||
Like, I literally am going through this thing where it's like, nursing homes and care for older people. | ||
And I'm like, how the fuck? | ||
Fuck do people pay for this? | ||
I have to go on tour to pay for it. | ||
I mean, I have to, you know, thank God I get to do that for a living and I'm doing casinos and shit, but it's a fortune. | ||
And I'm like, oh, and my dad is, you know, is a vet. | ||
And I looked at the vet facilities and I was just like, are you fucked? | ||
This is where vets go? | ||
The guys that fucking lost their limbs for our country? | ||
Like, this is where you're putting them? | ||
unidentified
|
I mean, vets are dying in these fucking facilities. | |
We had to do these, we did these benefits, these events called Fight for the Troops, and we did these for the Intrepid Center for Excellence. | ||
Uh-huh. | ||
Which is an establishment that they've... | ||
These facilities, they're creating these state-of-the-art facilities to deal with people with traumatic brain injuries. | ||
And so they showed us all these guys and it's unbelievably heartbreaking. | ||
You see these people with their wives and their children and their families and they're trying to rehabilitate them and they're going through all these steps. | ||
But what was more disheartening than anything was to realize that all this stuff is privately funded because the United States government just... | ||
They don't allocate enough money to treatment of these troops when they get home. | ||
They just don't. | ||
So we have to raise all this money for these people. | ||
So while we're doing this, they wanted us to talk about it at the beginning of it. | ||
And I have to measure myself because it's on television and what I want to say is this is fucking crazy that we have to do a fight to raise... | ||
We're going to give people brain damage so that we can raise money for brain damage. | ||
You'll raise the money for all the weapons. | ||
Right. | ||
That they really seem to find money for, but not for the humans that use the weapons. | ||
But these guys, it's so ironic in a lot of ways because these people are fighting. | ||
And if they're fighting, a bunch of people got knocked out in the show. | ||
So they got some brain damage. | ||
Obviously they're competing. | ||
It's their decision. | ||
They're going for glory. | ||
They're trying to make it as a fighter. | ||
But the end result is they're getting pounded on so that we can make money. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
So they could help people who have brain damage. | ||
That is the most Chinese finger trap of a fucking concept. | ||
You know, it's like the amount of brain damage you get from MMA is so minuscule compared to an IED. Yeah. | ||
It's also, why the fuck do we not set money aside for this? | ||
Find out what every congressman gets. | ||
Find out what every senator gets. | ||
Chop a chunk of that shit out and send it to the Intrepid Center. | ||
I mean, there's got to be a way that there's got to be some fucking red tape and bureaucracy that you can cut and you could send some of that money to help take care of these people that you're forcing to go overseas and fight these battles. | ||
A friend of mine who was in the army, he told me that the statistic on vets committing suicide. | ||
Oh, it's insane now. | ||
It's insane. | ||
I want to say it's one every like seven minutes. | ||
Oh, yeah, it is. | ||
It's something like that. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, Jamie can look it up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But it's it's fucking insane. | ||
unidentified
|
It's more people average of 22 a day. | |
Oh, my God. | ||
22 a day. | ||
In 2012, more U.S. soldiers committed suicide than were killed in combat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what we're dealing with. | ||
I mean, it's just it's it's too crazy. | ||
And yeah, and then I'm like, oh, God, where's my soy milk? | ||
I'm amazed it's only 22 a day. | ||
unidentified
|
I thought it was. | |
Yeah, I know. | ||
I thought it was one every like seven minutes or something. | ||
But that's an average. | ||
Maybe it is some days. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
I don't like throwing statistics around unless I know I'm talking about people that have served. | ||
I just know too many. | ||
I know too much of it. | ||
I've talked to too many guys and I've talked to too many people that, you know, the reality of it is so bleak. | ||
And also, from the little I know about it, and then the drone guys is a real nightmare because there's all this, you know, normally when you are in combat and you come back, you do a, is it called a neutralization period? | ||
Like you go to Germany for like five days and they chill you out before you go back to your family and kids after you've just been in combat. | ||
But these drone guys, not only is the technology so advanced that they're seeing all these women and children, they're not in the fog of war, right? | ||
They don't just see, like, threat, threat, threat. | ||
Because when you are getting shot at, a kid might as well be a guy with a gun. | ||
So these guys are seeing these people getting shot super close up. | ||
They're seeing their own guys get shot. | ||
But like they're seeing it and then they go upstairs to their wife and kids and there's just no period for their brains to acclimate to it. | ||
And it's there's a serious atrophy of drone pilots and they're just raise the wages of it so that it'll attract more because so few people want to do it. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
To doing it in your basement like a video game. | ||
just is actually even more traumatic, oddly. | ||
But also the suicide rate, apparently it's even worse among the soldiers that didn't kill anyone because they have guilt and shame about it. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
Yeah. | ||
Well, from what I've talked to with guys that were in the SEALs or Rangers, special operatives guys, is that those guys have way less issues than, SEALs and Rangers. | ||
Okay. | ||
Because first of all, mentally, they're going to be the most durable. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
It's never the strongest guys. | ||
It's always the most. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
Well, those guys, they're mentally more durable. | ||
They have a better understanding. | ||
They have way deeper and more intense camaraderie than the average person does. | ||
And then on top of that, they're proactive. | ||
They're the ones who are hunting down bad guys. | ||
They're not waiting for people to attack them. | ||
They're going after them. | ||
So it's a totally different kind of thing. | ||
If they plot a mission and they're going to go fuck somebody up, they're hunting. | ||
We're not being hunted. | ||
And when you're being hunted, you wake up and you're hearing things. | ||
That's where the stress comes from. | ||
Dude, I wanted to send you this book. | ||
You probably already read it. | ||
It's called Sapiens, I think. | ||
And it's essentially, it's about anxiety. | ||
Is that the book you texted me the other day? | ||
No, that was a different one. | ||
I realized I had been texting you too many books. | ||
unidentified
|
That's all right. | |
Keep it coming. | ||
Kindles can fill up. | ||
Yeah, as I say, most girls send naked photos, nude pics. | ||
I send science books. | ||
It's like, no wonder I'm fucking alone. | ||
And it's about anxiety. | ||
And everyone's like, I have anxiety, I have anxiety. | ||
And it's like, anxiety is actually... | ||
It talks about sort of the origin of it. | ||
And it's two-pronged. | ||
One is... | ||
Because I had a lot of shame about anxiety, too. | ||
Shame about anxiety? | ||
Shame about it. | ||
Like, why am I anxious? | ||
It's like, we're actually supposed to be anxious, you know, just by the laws of survival of the fittest. | ||
The fittest were the ones that were anxious. | ||
You know, thousands of years ago, the anxious hypervigilant people were the ones that were like, oh, there's a fucking tiger, we should move. | ||
And the ones that didn't have anxiety just got eaten alive, right? | ||
Well, then you're definitely one of the watchers. | ||
Yeah, I think I'm definitely... | ||
You got anxiety. | ||
I think I'm a washer. | ||
You can't sleep. | ||
I know. | ||
You're up at night. | ||
That's why we've got weed. | ||
And you're also a stand-up comedian, so you live a nightlife. | ||
Yeah, I have adrenaline. | ||
People who grew up in hectic homes who produced adrenaline young usually have an adrenaline addiction. | ||
Oh, I definitely have that. | ||
Yeah, because your body's producing so much adrenaline. | ||
I have a huge problem with that. | ||
unidentified
|
You must. | |
Oh, huge. | ||
Also, to your point just now, I never thought, of course I hadn't thought about it, I'm not smart enough to, but I have never known that humans are not designed to be at the top of the food chain. | ||
We're only at the top of the food chain because we have weapons. | ||
And the reason we have weapons is because we have really large brains. | ||
Which was actually not helpful at all. | ||
It's really inefficient and uneconomical for energy because I guess our brains burn like 25 or 30% of our calories or something. | ||
So chimpanzees and apes had smaller brains. | ||
They were able to climb trees and avoid threats. | ||
Like a big brain is like a disaster, except that we invented tools. | ||
So we sort of, not based on merit, we superficially, once we invented tools, jumped to the top of the food chain, but we don't deserve to be there because without weapons, A lot of species would kill us. | ||
Yeah, but we can figure out weapons, so of course we deserve to be there. | ||
Totally, but as soon as the weapons are gone, we're vulnerable. | ||
We're vulnerable to animals. | ||
Yes, because we're not truly at the top of the food chain. | ||
We only are at the top of the food chain if we have a weapon. | ||
Yeah, but we have weapons, so we're at the top of the food chain. | ||
That's like a turtle without a shell is vulnerable. | ||
But the second you drop your weapon, you're in the middle of the food chain. | ||
Don't drop it, bitch. | ||
I'm not as agile as you. | ||
unidentified
|
You keep the fucking weapon. | |
That's how you stay alive. | ||
That's like 101. But that's the anxiety. | ||
Hold the fucking weapon. | ||
Don't drop it. | ||
And keep your shit together. | ||
Yeah, and keep on fucking high alert. | ||
Because the second, if your back is to a lion and the weapon's pointing this way, you're still going to die. | ||
Yes. | ||
The lions are problematic even if you have a weapon. | ||
Yeah, they eat bullets for fucking breakfast. | ||
There's a balance of animal sizes. | ||
The second you run out of bullets, it's over. | ||
Well, you know, when you think about what made a human a human, it's really fascinating. | ||
Because it becomes like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? | ||
Like, what were we like when we were Australopithecus? | ||
You know, they have these depictions of us and what we looked like all hairy and with fucking sloped foreheads and shit. | ||
We were pretty close to people, but not really people. | ||
And when you really look at the fossil record, what they understand at least, we're only talking about this kind of person, like you and I, for a couple hundred thousand years. | ||
That's so recent. | ||
So recent. | ||
It's so weird. | ||
I have an extra bone in my foot. | ||
What? | ||
What's your foot doing? | ||
My feet are webbed. | ||
Is that a turn-off for all those foot fetishes? | ||
Keep your socks on. | ||
You know what's so funny? | ||
I'm wearing flip-flops today. | ||
It's a real power move. | ||
Do you really have webbed feet? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
I'm joking. | ||
I want to see. | ||
I've never seen that before. | ||
But there are these foot fetishes. | ||
Hi, guys. | ||
There's foot fetishes out there. | ||
And if you Google me, I think Whitney Cummings' feet is the second or third one. | ||
That's for most people in the public eye. | ||
Feet is always two. | ||
Google Charlize Theron. | ||
Don't do it. | ||
And just see what they come up, you know? | ||
Right. | ||
So I'm really afraid that if I admit this, although I'm going to lose my foot fetish demo, but I had this pain in my foot and I think we're probably a little bit similar, you much more so, but I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. | ||
I didn't go to doctors growing up. | ||
It's just like, suck it up. | ||
That's what I caught on fire. | ||
I went to school. | ||
That's basically how my family was. | ||
You just suck it up and you man up. | ||
So I had this pain in my foot, or my big toe and then my third toe, once every two weeks, real bad. | ||
And it would be just a stabbing, awful pain, but I just was like, oh, that's my foot. | ||
Like once every two weeks, my foot has like a spasm and it lasts for like, I don't know, like two minutes and then I get through it. | ||
And I was in a writer's room one day and my feet were up on the table and then I was like, had the pain came and I was like, and I'm like screaming. | ||
And two minutes later, I'm like, anyway, so act three, what should we? | ||
And everyone was like, what the fuck was that? | ||
I was like, oh, I have this thing. | ||
I have this foot spasm that happens once every two weeks. | ||
It's just like my foot. | ||
And everyone was like, no, that's not a thing. | ||
That's not a... | ||
You have to go to a podiatrist. | ||
First time I've ever went to a podiatrist. | ||
And he gave me an extra. | ||
And he's like, oh, you have an extra foot. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
You have an extra foot. | ||
You have an extra bone in your foot between your second and third toe. | ||
And he's like, it's basically just remnants of being a Neanderthal. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yes. | ||
Now, is it, uh, it's not bone spurs, like a broken foot? | ||
No, it's literally just like an extra, you can't really see it. | ||
It's just like an extra bone, like right here. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Like one dink. | ||
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
You know, because we used to have more bones in our feet. | ||
And you're just like, that's fucking real. | ||
Like, it was not that long ago. | ||
Why would we have extra bones, though? | ||
What purpose would they? | ||
It's something about the, uh, uh, I'll find out for you. | ||
It's something about the webbing or something. | ||
My friend Steve Rinella went to Bolivia and he stayed with Chumani, the tribe. | ||
It's a tribe in Bolivia. | ||
And they don't wear shoes and they live in the rainforest. | ||
And their feet are splayed out. | ||
It's interesting. | ||
Our feet are like this. | ||
And is that genetic or is it worn from running? | ||
Oh, it's worn. | ||
Worn from running all the time. | ||
So, well, it's just walking constantly barefoot. | ||
But, like, our feet are like this, where their feet are spread. | ||
Like, their toes are spread out. | ||
And women's in America are, like, all fucking mushed, fucking all shrimp. | ||
So many girls I see in their feet, their toes are taking left and right turns. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
They're just trying to run away from each other. | ||
Jammed into these fucking shoes that don't shape. | ||
They're not shaped like a foot. | ||
Cocktail shrimp. | ||
Whose fucking feet are shaped like that? | ||
Asian bound geisha. | ||
Not even. | ||
That's, like, they have to do it, right? | ||
It's crazy. | ||
But these Chumani people, Rinello was there, and he was walking through the woods with these people, and he was like, this is incredible, because they've never had shoes. | ||
They don't have any shoes. | ||
And if you give them shoes, they try them on. | ||
They're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
unidentified
|
This is crazy, yeah. | |
And they throw it aside. | ||
And they have these thick shoes. | ||
Thick soles of their feet. | ||
Sure. | ||
From just constantly... | ||
But again, that's exactly like you keep saying, my goal, we acclimate to where we are, so I want to have the thick, thick soul in my personality. | ||
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
You know what I mean? | ||
I want to be that person. | ||
I don't want to be the one who is like... | ||
Can fall apart constantly. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Anxiety. | ||
Yes. | ||
I don't want to be this like... | ||
Oh my god, do you have stevia? | ||
I started realizing I had all these fucking needs that I didn't need. | ||
Don't you think those are patterns that we see around us constantly? | ||
Yeah, because it's so socially enforced. | ||
It's so like coconut milk, soy milk, $6 latte, and it becomes normal after a while. | ||
And I was like, this is not fucking normal. | ||
It's also comforting to behave in these patterns that we've already seen before. | ||
It makes you feel like you're a normal person. | ||
And it makes us feel like because we're designed to be part of a tribe and to fit in. | ||
And standing out produces stress because it means we're less safe. | ||
And I was like, I do not want to... | ||
Because you drive around and you're like, this fucking asshole, this asshole. | ||
And you're like, I'm one of those assholes. | ||
I've got to remove myself from the situation and go watch kids have surgery. | ||
You know a lot of these asshole things like the fucking rogue rage and all that jazz? | ||
A lot of that goes away when you're in a small town. | ||
Tell me. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's interesting. | ||
In Boulder, one of the things that I found, and I was only in Boulder for a few months, but one of the things that I found when I was there was people drive way more polite. | ||
They're way nicer. | ||
They let people in and they don't cut people off as much. | ||
Because they're fucking stoned. | ||
No, no. | ||
That too. | ||
Everyone. | ||
For sure, that too. | ||
But there's less of them. | ||
There's only 100,000 people in the town. | ||
Oh, sure. | ||
So when you have a small community, first of all, there's less diffusion of responsibility because you and that person are probably going to see each other again. | ||
Got it. | ||
So if I give someone the finger on the highway on the 405, what are the odds I'm going to meet that dude again? | ||
Zero. | ||
Probably zero. | ||
Interesting. | ||
There's less accountability. | ||
It's like we can be more anonymous. | ||
More accountability, yeah. | ||
You have more responsibility as a community. | ||
Like if you see someone pulled over the side of the road, you have more desire to pull over and help them. | ||
It's like tribal. | ||
I mean, that's really like a tribe mentality. | ||
Like there was these people that were pushing their car the other day and they were on the side of the road and I was thinking, fuck, should I get out of the car and help them push the car? | ||
And I think I watched them do it. | ||
I'm like, yeah, they're okay. | ||
They got it. | ||
It's up on the hill. | ||
It's up on the curb. | ||
They're going to be okay. | ||
But I was thinking, if this was a small town, for sure I'd pull over. | ||
And I was thinking that at that moment, because of the time that I spent living in Boulder, I was amazed at how polite people were. | ||
And also, the less people in the town, like when I was in this town in the mountains, they would wave when you would go by. | ||
People would lift their hand up when you would drive by. | ||
Yeah, you're like... | ||
You'd pass each other and everybody... | ||
And I got used to doing it and we all did it. | ||
You know, as you were driving this way and that person was driving that way, you lift your hand up and you wave to them because there's not that many of you. | ||
See, in LA, I think there's so fucking many people that we lose the idea of value of our fellow humans because our fellow humans become a burden. | ||
Dogfight. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Become a burden. | ||
There's too many of us. | ||
And so there's a lot of benefit in that. | ||
For people like you and I, it's great because there's so many clubs we can work at. | ||
There's so much variety as far as restaurants we can eat at or places we can go and so much culture to see. | ||
But also, you're dealing with this massive volume of people and it's hard to keep your perspective. | ||
It's hard to keep your perspective just with the sheer numbers. | ||
And I think in a lot of ways it mirrors what we're talking about, even with celebrity or with fame or with wealth, that it's hard to keep perspective. | ||
People need adversity, difficult situations. | ||
We need things in order to keep our perspective. | ||
You know what's interesting? | ||
Have you been to Tokyo? | ||
Yes. | ||
unidentified
|
So Tokyo is, like, hectic. | |
I mean, it's not as much of a car culture, but there's a weird—I wonder what part of its cultural and whether cars play it, because it's really—everything is Times Square. | ||
Tokyo is, like, a big Times Square. | ||
But there's, like, this concept of space, and it's not like— When I go to New York, it's like, fuck you, fuck you, excuse me, you know? | ||
And it's like you're just like in a rat race. | ||
Whereas in Tokyo, there was this weird harmonic sort of, it's almost like choreographed. | ||
There's less of a like, I don't know what that, less aggression. | ||
More respect. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, maybe it is that cultural thing we were talking about earlier, but it's less of like, maybe it's because we live in a capitalist society where it's all like we're competing with everybody. | ||
Well, they compete too, but they compete in a very different way than we do. | ||
They have a lot of honor and behavior patterns that they're expected to follow. | ||
It's a very different world, but I was amazed how polite people were in Tokyo. | ||
I was just... | ||
I mean, I accidentally was rude because when a cab picks you up, you're not allowed to open the door. | ||
The door opens and it's considered rude if you open the door yourself or close it. | ||
The cab driver gets up and opens it and closes it for you. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yeah. | ||
Like, it's rude to do something for yourself. | ||
Huh. | ||
And it's weird because it makes you feel like you're going to be robbed because everyone's like, how are you? | ||
Can I help you? | ||
It's like the service is like, you know, as you said, it's all about honor and dignity and taking pride in your work, which I'm all about fucking shortcuts. | ||
It's like, how do I... Well, they're all about doing something the most difficult way. | ||
Painstaking. | ||
Yeah, painstaking. | ||
Like samurai swords. | ||
Have you ever seen an actual samurai sword? | ||
No. | ||
Of course. | ||
Joe's got one in his pocket, guys. | ||
Jesus! | ||
This is from the 1500s. | ||
Okay. | ||
This is a real samurai sword from the 1500s, like legitimately. | ||
And if you look at that blade, that blade was made by some guy who took steel, pounded it, folded it over, pounded it again, folded it over, pounded it again. | ||
It takes forever. | ||
And you can see if you look at the actual... | ||
There's no assembly line. | ||
No. | ||
Well, that's so much more humanizing. | ||
It's like, if there's just an assembly line that's making these, you know, as a human, you just feel like a robot. | ||
You feel like you are robbed of your individuality. | ||
You know, this is like, you can take pride in your work. | ||
But they did it different than anybody. | ||
They did it different than anybody who was making swords. | ||
I mean, they had sword making and sword fighting. | ||
These were heavy. | ||
You've got to get your core on point for this. | ||
That's the real deal. | ||
And is this to actually kill people or is this to samurai fight? | ||
That probably killed people. | ||
What do you think it feels like to stab someone? | ||
I bet it's not easy. | ||
Easy in what way? | ||
Like, I mean, you're way stronger than me. | ||
Well, it depends on where you stab them. | ||
unidentified
|
Give me a... | |
That's a good... | ||
So if you're... | ||
In the stomach? | ||
It's probably pretty easy. | ||
If you need to create a replica of what it would be like to stab someone, would it be like a watermelon? | ||
No, you'd get like a deer. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Get like an animal. | ||
Okay, that's obvious. | ||
unidentified
|
But like ribs, does ribs stop it? | |
Ribs can if you're weak, you know, but it depends on how heavy the blade is. | ||
Like, does anyone ever try to stab someone and it's like, the ribs just stop the whole thing from happening? | ||
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
I guess that's what ribs are for, to protect your... | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean a weak person who stabs you in the wrong spot with a small knife is probably not going to get it in. | ||
But somebody who stabs you with that fucking thing, the odds of that not going through your ribs, pretty small. | ||
If you're a strong person, most likely you're going to penetrate their entire body. | ||
But it's also mirrored in archery, like in bow hunting. | ||
That's like one of the most important aspects of bow hunting is to have a heavy arrow, That has a sharp blade with a powerful bow, so it goes through bone. | ||
So it goes through the ribs. | ||
If it doesn't go through the ribs, if it stops at the ribs, then you just have a wounded animal. | ||
Where are you on bone marrow? | ||
I eat bone marrow. | ||
Me too. | ||
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
It's my new thing. | ||
It's good stuff. | ||
My nails, my hair, it's like, in that same book, it talks about how bone marrow, human brain growth, exponentially went up when humans started eating the bone marrow of animals. | ||
Because they couldn't hunt their own animals. | ||
They had to eat the leftover bone trash. | ||
Right. | ||
Right? | ||
But that's actually where all the vitamins and the good shit is. | ||
Well, there's so many questions and so many theories about what caused the doubling of the human brain size over a period of two million years. | ||
It's really a fascinating subject because they just don't know. | ||
There's all this speculation. | ||
Some think that it was the ability to throw, the throwing arm. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
Because it's one of the most unique aspects of a person. | ||
There's no other animal that can take a rock. | ||
And throw it with accuracy like a person can. | ||
So like ground nesting birds, things along those lines. | ||
Is that a hand-eye coordination thing? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Like a chimpanzee can throw something, but it doesn't mean it's going to hit the target. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Interesting. | ||
Well, it doesn't have the synapses. | ||
It doesn't have the connections in its mind that allow it to be like really accurate at distance. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Like a person, like think about like a pitcher who could throw a fastball. | ||
How many feet is it to the plate? | ||
unidentified
|
62, something like that. | |
62 feet? | ||
unidentified
|
I think that's right. | |
Also, we were evolved to see underwater, right? | ||
Like fish, first started. | ||
So we're actually, our vision is, I wonder... | ||
Find that out, Jamie. | ||
I know nothing about that theory, so please. | ||
Have you ever read the aquatic ape theory? | ||
Nope. | ||
The aquatic ape theory is really bizarre. | ||
I love that. | ||
It's very controversial, but the idea is that human beings come out of the womb with so much body fat, and we're so different than chimpanzees in that regard. | ||
Like, a chimpanzee baby is like a chimpanzee adult. | ||
It's just little. | ||
Well, most... | ||
Yes! | ||
Yeah, but a human baby is filled with fat. | ||
We're super fat. | ||
Most species are born ready to go. | ||
Right. | ||
Ours are born completely helpless. | ||
Not just helpless, but fat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like covered in fat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And the idea is that we were in water and that we developed and we possibly evolved around water to the point where babies, like if you throw a chimpanzee baby in the water, they fucking drown. | ||
They just, they breathe water and they drown. | ||
You throw a human baby in the water, they instinctively hold their breath. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because they're basically fish until they're born. | ||
Like the Nirvana cover with the baby in the water. | ||
The dollar bill. | ||
My kids learned how to swim when they were babies. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
We taught them when they were really little. | ||
We got them instruction. | ||
But one of the things you realize, it's a very natural thing to hold your breath. | ||
Yeah, it's instinctive. | ||
Yeah, it's totally instinctive. | ||
And so the aquatic ape theory theorizes that at one point in our evolution, we were primarily water bound, and that maybe we went into the water to get away from predators, or that maybe we figured out a way to develop in the water as lower hominids. | ||
So no other animal holds their breath? | ||
I don't know about no other animal, but I know that other primates don't. | ||
Other primates just fucking drown like dummies. | ||
Well, and if we were webbed at some point, is that for swimming? | ||
Didn't we have webbed feet at some point? | ||
I don't know if that's true, because chimps don't. | ||
I don't know if that's true. | ||
We might have. | ||
I mean, we certainly... | ||
Don't some people every now and then have webbed feet? | ||
Yeah. | ||
But that could be just an aberration, like cleft palate. | ||
Yeah, that's true. | ||
You know, I mean, I don't know why we would have a web. | ||
I mean, maybe it makes sense. | ||
unidentified
|
Were we ducks at some point? | |
Here's a controversial theory. | ||
It would kind of help you swim, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
But then it would get in the way if you wanted to, like, do shit. | ||
It would be a problem. | ||
Well, yeah, but, I mean, they weren't texting. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
We get in the way from your Instagramming. | ||
Well, a lot of things that you would do. | ||
Like what? | ||
Climb trees? | ||
Yeah, that would get in the way of that. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, like... | |
Scooping? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Making tools, I think it maybe would get in the way. | ||
Makes your fingers less agile. | ||
Well, yeah, that's the thing about us. | ||
Webbed feet, but not webbed hands would be helpful. | ||
Yeah, webbed feet would help. | ||
Because our toes can't do anything. | ||
Our toes are useless. | ||
It would be great for swimming. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like a flipper. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But there's something about our fingers, too. | ||
If you think about the dexterity and the control that we have over our hands... | ||
It's so unusual in comparison to any other animal. | ||
And our fingers, when our fingers get all wet and wrinkly, there was this interesting study about how fingers, after being in water for two hours, could pick up more marbles than dry hands, which kind of means that we must have needed to be in the water a lot. | ||
Does that what it means? | ||
Or is it just a side effect of just your fingers getting wrinkly? | ||
Yeah, but why would they get wrinkly if it wasn't useful for something? | ||
Or is that just... | ||
I don't know. | ||
Why do people get cancer? | ||
Don't get me started on that. | ||
Don't open that one hole. | ||
Is there a benefit to that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
How many things are a benefit? | ||
Well, we're kind of not designed to live past 30, right? | ||
Well, we definitely didn't live past 30 a long time ago very often, but I don't know. | ||
Does that scare you? | ||
What? | ||
This? | ||
No, I like it. | ||
I just, I'm so, I'm such a klutzy, like, I'm afraid I'm just like, and just like, slice his fucking head just in half. | ||
Scientists think they have the answer why the skin on human fingers and toes shrivels up like an old prude when we soak in the bath. | ||
Laboratory tests confirmed the theory that wrinkly fingers improve our grip on wet or submerged objects, working to channel away the water like a rain treads in car tires. | ||
You know why it makes sense? | ||
Because the rest of your skin doesn't do that. | ||
Like if your elbows, your forearm got all wrinkly. | ||
That's true. | ||
So evolutionary neurobiologist and his colleagues suggest that wrinkling being an active process must have an evolutionary function. | ||
The team also showed the pattern of wrinkling appeared to be optimized for providing a drainage network that improved grip. | ||
Makes sense. | ||
So maybe we were trying to get fished or some shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Rocks. | ||
Well, you know, it totally makes sense. | ||
That doesn't happen when you sweat, does it? | ||
No. | ||
unidentified
|
Unless you crossfit fuckers sweating 15 hours a day. | |
What's your take on crossfit? | ||
I'm sure you've talked about it a lot. | ||
I think activity is good, right? | ||
I think exercise is good. | ||
And I think, you know, those people, a lot of them are very fit. | ||
But I think that like a lot of things when you take certain aspects of physical activity like Steve Maxwell who's a good friend of mine and is a strength conditioning coach. | ||
He said it best that physical fitness like lifting weights and engaging in exercise activities He doesn't believe is a sport in unto itself. | ||
He He thinks it's good at getting you strong for other sports. | ||
Now when you turn into a sport, like who can do the most clean in presses? | ||
Who can do the most, you know, whatever, deadlifts in an hour? | ||
He doesn't think that that's healthy. | ||
Because, and this is, he's far more qualified than I am to answer this, so I'm using his rationale. | ||
He thinks that powerlifting and bodybuilding movement, or powerlifting and weightlifting movements, like deadlifts or like cleans and presses, you shouldn't do them for like sets of 30 and 40 and 50 and having these competitions to see who can do the most. | ||
He's like, it's just not beneficial. | ||
It's not, he's of the school of thought that you should like strength, Lifting exercises or strength producing exercises should be done with low repetitions and, you know, you should take breaks in between them and it's about building the physical strength of your body. | ||
It's not about performing them in a contest. | ||
Now the CrossFit people, I think if I could speak for them, I think they think of it as a healthy lifestyle and that this competition is It makes them work harder, and they all work out together. | ||
And I definitely see their point. | ||
And if you follow CrossFit people, and it's one of the things about CrossFit people that they say, like, if someone's a CrossFit and they're a vegan, what do they talk about first? | ||
Because, have you ever seen that? | ||
Because... | ||
It's like a meme. | ||
I think it was on like a... | ||
That is amazing. | ||
It was like a chalkboard that was in front of a coffee shop. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, it's one of those things when you get excited about it. | ||
Like vegans, the most proselytizing vegans when you talk to them. | ||
Like one of the things I've found, because a lot of vegans get really upset with me because I eat meat. | ||
But one of the things that I've found with a lot of them is that I'll go to their Instagram page after they shit on me and I say, I just found a bacon fucking sandwich that's four months old. | ||
So it means, how long have you been a vegan? | ||
I've been a vegan for three months. | ||
Totally. | ||
And these three months, it's opened my eyes up. | ||
I found my favorite person online the other day. | ||
He's a vegan who believes the earth is flat. | ||
He's a flat earth vegan. | ||
Retweet him. | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
The flat earth people, there is a lot of people out there that believe the fucking earth is flat. | ||
They believe that it's all a hoax and that NASA's a hoax and that satellites aren't real. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
And that there's airplanes that are flying high, and that's where we're getting, like, direct TV from. | ||
And then it's all a giant, vast conspiracy. | ||
And here's my favorite part. | ||
Gravity's not real, and that the Earth exists. | ||
The reason why we're staying put is because of electromagnetism. | ||
I mean, I don't even know how to respond to this. | ||
That's what this is for. | ||
Just beheadings. | ||
Think of how many astronomers. | ||
And these are the people having kids. | ||
These people are just procreating all day with other people. | ||
But they think all these people are in on it. | ||
And they think that if you look at the horizon, like there's videos, there's like a video that shows like the 200 reasons why they can prove that the earth is flat. | ||
unidentified
|
And it's so fucking stupid, it hurts my feelings. | |
It really, it makes me, so maybe it's my night watch or fight or flight thing, but like when I hear that I just feel like I'm in danger. | ||
Well you are a little. | ||
Like it's just like stupid people make me feel unsafe. | ||
Well, what it is, is there's a lot of religions out there. | ||
That's true. | ||
Religion actually serves, I understand the neurological purpose it serves, but, you know, don't be ignorant. | ||
What I was going to say is there's religions, I mean, the word religion. | ||
Let's ditch it. | ||
What's the mental pathway that one follows when they adhere to an ideology? | ||
And I think we're all guilty of it to a certain extent. | ||
And I think there needs to be something in place that's like, don't kill people. | ||
Yes. | ||
Guilt and shame used to keep societies controlled and have a sense of order, right? | ||
For sure. | ||
Before guns and before prisons and before shit was organized, it was like, God's gonna get ya. | ||
They had to, you know, come up with something to keep people from raping each other and murdering everyone. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And at least stopping it and don't do it again. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, you know, let's nip this shit in the bud. | ||
Yes. | ||
And then someone saw a business opportunity and was like, oh, I can charge for this. | ||
Well, yeah. | ||
I mean... | ||
Look, there's countless examples of people creating these behavior patterns that other folks are forced to follow. | ||
And these ideologies, you see the way people think. | ||
And I think, to a certain extent, there's a lot of what people call the regressive left. | ||
Like when people get mad at a white guy for wearing dreadlocks and they say this is cultural appropriation, you're taking black people's culture. | ||
Like that sort of same thing is akin to religious people that want to force women to dress a certain way or want to force gay people to act a certain way. | ||
There's parts of certain ideologies that literally exist because someone is trying to exert control over other people and they think they can because it's a rule. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
It's a bad example that I used about the dreadlocks because it's so fucking stupid. | ||
First of all, Vikings wore dreadlocks. | ||
The Greeks had dreadlocks. | ||
It's a white thing, too. | ||
It's a dirty hair thing. | ||
It's a skank thing. | ||
We only had dreadlocks until the 1600s. | ||
It's so stupid, but it's a new way that people can get upset at certain groups. | ||
And the left, especially a lot of people get upset at that term, the regressive left, but it's a good term. | ||
And the reason why it's a good term is because, first of all, they're attacking white gay men now for having privileges. | ||
I've read this whole article about white gay privilege as opposed to black men and people of color who are gay, who don't get to experience the same freedom that white gay people do that live in white neighborhoods and have, you know, adopt white babies. | ||
It's easier for them. | ||
I mean, it's attacking this constant. | ||
But we love I think it was you we were texting about this like people love being outraged. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
And I don't know if... | ||
Recreational outrage. | ||
Love it. | ||
They love complaining. | ||
And I think it is a form of bonding and I think it is how people connect to each other and like, you know, organize and stuff. | ||
People love being offended. | ||
They love being insulted. | ||
They love... | ||
They love racism. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Because then they get to complain about it and be... | ||
They get to take the more They get to be sanctimonious, and they get to be, you know, right, and it's just like... | ||
I think that sort of thinking, I don't want to call it religion, because I think it's a pattern, and patterns in these ideologies, I think it's problematic when you label it, like, this is because of God, this is... | ||
But it's these patterns that people force their mind into. | ||
Well, some people force themselves into these patterns where everything is a fucking conspiracy. | ||
And this is how you get to this, like, delusional state of mind that would allow you to think that the earth is flat. | ||
Or that, you know, the government's run by reptilians. | ||
But to me, intelligence is kind of someone being able to go, I think this is how it is. | ||
Or not. | ||
Yeah, or not. | ||
Or not. | ||
Not being married to your idea. | ||
Just like, I could totally be fucking wrong. | ||
Like, you know, I think it's just like, what is this? | ||
All my self-esteem and identity is linked to this lie. | ||
It's like, how sad and lonely is that person that they need to attach to some idea that... | ||
It's just so odd to me. | ||
I mean, I think comedians, our brains are a little... | ||
We can go through our set and say... | ||
Argue a point, argue against our own point, go back on... | ||
And then someone heckles and is like, well, that's a good point. | ||
I mean, I feel very lucky that we have brains that are able to see everybody's side. | ||
And that's kind of what we do for a living. | ||
But it's very shocking to me. | ||
It seems so suffocating and isolating and weird to just be stuck on one thing. | ||
Sure. | ||
And it's easy to be. | ||
It's so common. | ||
It's obviously easy to be because it's so common. | ||
That someone's belief system is their home, you know? | ||
And if you think something and someone proves you wrong, you will be angry and you will defend that original idea as if it's a part of you that someone's trying to steal. | ||
It's like, yes, why are you insulting me? | ||
Try to take from me. | ||
Yes, it does. | ||
People react to it like it's stealing. | ||
That's so interesting. | ||
That's when you can see right away that there's an issue because people take it very personally if you don't share their belief. | ||
The smartest people are the ones that detach from their belief systems, the fastest, like doctors and scientists. | ||
Like, mirror neurons, it was all about mirror neurons, like a couple years ago, right? | ||
And then they recently just debunked that theory, and scientists had to be like, whoops, we were wrong, you know? | ||
Or that's what science is all about. | ||
A friend of mine who's a doctor, I was like, because he's always like, oh, and then I'm at my practice. | ||
And I was like, do you guys feel like it's weird that you call it practice? | ||
You know, do you want to call it- Shouldn't you be good at it already? | ||
Like, nailed it, or the game times? | ||
unidentified
|
Like, I'm at my game time, championship game! | |
And he's like, no, it's called practice because medicine is doing the best we can with what we know. | ||
There's a lot of stuff we don't know. | ||
Right. | ||
You know? | ||
And in 10 years, we're going to be looking back and we're like, I can't believe we fucking did that. | ||
That was dangerous. | ||
Oh, unquestionably. | ||
unidentified
|
You know? | |
That's like what medicine and science is. | ||
Like, you're wrong. | ||
Every five years, there's a new fucking piece of information. | ||
Did you see the latest, this thing that I tweeted yesterday, that they've given approval to people to use stem cells to try to regenerate dead people's brains? | ||
unidentified
|
Love it. | |
What? | ||
Excuse me? | ||
Is this a fucking horror movie? | ||
I mean, that's what everybody was like tweeting. | ||
Just zombies. | ||
This is how we make zombies. | ||
Wait, so is it to bring people back to life or put their old brain into a new person's body? | ||
No, I think, well, there's that too. | ||
But they want to find out. | ||
Here it is. | ||
Biotech company granted ethical permission to attempt to use stem cells to reactivate the brains of the dead. | ||
To, like, catch their killer? | ||
Oh, no, I don't think so. | ||
That would be crazy. | ||
It's like, hey, who killed you? | ||
All right, go back to sleep. | ||
I want to know what the conversation was because they've been granted ethical permission by an institutional review board. | ||
I didn't know there was an institutional review board. | ||
That's not a real company. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
In the U.S. and in India, to use 20... | ||
Yeah, in India, they're going to take the brains of the babies they smash against the rocks. | ||
I think they need to inject stem cells into a lot of alive people in America. | ||
Just trying to fucking revive them. | ||
Yeah, it's just there's a lot of... | ||
People. | ||
Grow them. | ||
Dumb people. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Use 20 brain-dead patients for what is sure to be... | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
Oh, so they're not buried. | ||
They're like in comas or comatose or something? | ||
But look what they're calling it. | ||
The re-anima project. | ||
Oh, fucking Christ. | ||
It sounds like enema. | ||
What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
unidentified
|
The website. | |
This is it? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Oh, God. | ||
A second chance at life. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
It's Magnolia. | ||
This is a horror movie. | ||
unidentified
|
It's also, by the way, the worst thing about this is it's a shitty website. | |
It's terrible. | ||
I'm not going to... | ||
Geocities. | ||
I know. | ||
If I had to do this on, like, a family member, I'd be like... | ||
Someone needs to get on Squarespace. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Totally. | ||
I'd be like, guys, this is like Comedy Central. | ||
Proven scientific concept. | ||
This is insane. | ||
Exploring the potential of cutting-edge biomedical technology for human neuroregeneration and... | ||
How much? | ||
unidentified
|
How much? | |
How much does it cost? | ||
Neuroreanimation. | ||
Neuroreanimation. | ||
When you see Re-Animator, I think of that fucking movie. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
The Re-Animator movie where they brought the monsters, they brought the people back to life and they were monsters. | ||
Remember that movie? | ||
Oh, Jesus. | ||
Re-Animator. | ||
unidentified
|
It's like some mad scientist movie from the 80s. | |
Hold on. | ||
Is it a private thing? | ||
Like if I'm like, I want to reanimate. | ||
I want to invest. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Totally. | ||
I know that's all you're doing right now. | ||
I feel like you probably have some fighter friends who could use this. | ||
Oh, I know some. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We both do. | ||
I have a couple in my phone. | ||
Yeah, we can fucking inject some shit in there and fix some stuff. | ||
unidentified
|
Brian Callen. | |
Well, Brian has never even been hit. | ||
He doesn't even have any real excuses. | ||
I'm sure his wife's hit him a couple times. | ||
I'm sure. | ||
Well, he likes to box lately. | ||
Brian's into boxing. | ||
Boxing is way worse for you, isn't it? | ||
Well, it's all bad for you. | ||
Fucking soccer gives you brain damage. | ||
Your head's not supposed to get jostled around too much. | ||
It goes every direction except... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Right. | ||
Except down. | ||
Well, I have a buddy of mine who's a professor who's 49 or 50 and he kickboxes. | ||
He spars. | ||
And I'm like, but you know, you understand this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, you're into this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, he's a history professor. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm like, you understand that this is dangerous for your brain, but you get so much enjoyment out of the thrill of being primal. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And actually being in there sparring. | ||
Let me ask you a question. | ||
We didn't talk about this last time. | ||
That Calcio Storico thing in Italy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Yes. | ||
A bare knuckle football with bare knuckle boxing. | ||
Insane. | ||
Insane. | ||
I didn't even know about that until you sent it to me. | ||
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
I was trying to make that documentary. | ||
Yes. | ||
And Pete Berg, I think, ended up making it anyway, but we were just broken up. | ||
I'm like, why am I making a documentary with my ex-boyfriend? | ||
This is really self-abusive. | ||
But it's apparently the month that it happens, violence in the area goes down. | ||
Of course. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So there's something interesting about these guys who want to go spar. | ||
Maybe they're sexually harassing less women at work. | ||
Maybe they're having less bar fights. | ||
This is Calcio Storco. | ||
So it was invented in the 1600s to entertain kings. | ||
It was stopped because so many people were dying. | ||
And then in, I want to say, 1916, they brought it back. | ||
They keep it low profile because so many people get concussions and sick. | ||
So they're just group kickboxing. | ||
It's like I think 20 on 20. The only rule is no two on one. | ||
These are grown men. | ||
These are not young like athletes. | ||
They're not professional athletes. | ||
They're butchers. | ||
They're lawyers. | ||
They're whatever. | ||
They just exchange partners. | ||
Like guys just moved and a new guy moved in. | ||
They just touched hands. | ||
Like one guy was duking it out with a guy and for some reason they changed. | ||
This is bare knuckle. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's also by region. | ||
So it's like neighborhoods against neighborhoods. | ||
So a lot of it's like fathers against sons, brothers against brothers. | ||
They changed teammates. | ||
Like two guys were fighting and then another guy steps in and takes the place. | ||
First of all, these guys have dog shit skills. | ||
And another guy just stepped in. | ||
These are professional athletes. | ||
These are literally guys that have other jobs. | ||
Once a year, they just agree to fucking just fight each other. | ||
To suck at fighting. | ||
It gets pretty brutal. | ||
Which one is this? | ||
unidentified
|
What number of minute are you in? | |
Do you have a ball, too? | ||
What's with the ball? | ||
Here's what you should see. | ||
The goal is to get the ball into the other side, but when you... | ||
Dog shit skills is so funny. | ||
I'm still laughing at that. | ||
When the person scores, they get hit so hard that no one wants to score. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious. | |
Everyone's like, no, you do it, you do it. | ||
Because as soon as you score, people just pummel you. | ||
And then you see these guys in the corners with stretchers. | ||
They just carry people off the field the entire time. | ||
So this guy's holding this guy down. | ||
So you could grapple too? | ||
Yes. | ||
The only rule, you can bite, you can kick in the ball. | ||
unidentified
|
You can bite? | |
You can do anything. | ||
You can bite? | ||
The only thing you can't do is two on one. | ||
That's the only rule. | ||
You can bite? | ||
The only rule is no two on one. | ||
You can kick in the balls? | ||
I'm sure. | ||
I mean, maybe that's like a gentleman's... | ||
See, like, these two guys are the only two guys that are humping. | ||
Look at these two guys. | ||
This guy's got this guy's back, and there's a lot of people fucking lollygagging and strolling around. | ||
A lot of cherry pickers. | ||
I'd be pissed. | ||
I'd be like, you fucking pussies, get in here. | ||
Well, because I think they get out there, and they're like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
I have a family. | ||
Listen, let's knock these guys out one at a time. | ||
What the fuck are we doing here? | ||
Oh, look at that guy. | ||
Oh, someone got smacked. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So he goes down. | ||
So he's got the ball. | ||
He went down, then another guy took his place instantly. | ||
This guy's just sort of avoiding the whole thing. | ||
Yeah, this bald guy looks gay as fuck. | ||
See, this guy gets knocked down. | ||
But look, as soon as he gets knocked down, another guy steps in and fights the guy that he was fighting before he got knocked down. | ||
Oh, what a bizarre, stupid sport. | ||
So then it turns into just a melee of madness. | ||
And it's actually interesting to watch the clusters happen, like the energy going into one place. | ||
Whoa, only one black guy? | ||
Yeah, I know. | ||
That's why it's so fucking clumsy. | ||
fucking clumsy. | ||
That's why it's so boring. | ||
unidentified
|
That's why nobody watches And these are regular guys. | |
They're not professional athletes. | ||
These are not professional athletes. | ||
They train for it. | ||
It's almost like a... | ||
What's that thing? | ||
The Ironman? | ||
It's like a voluntary thing that they do. | ||
It's tradition. | ||
You do it if your dad did it. | ||
Oh, God. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So stupid. | ||
It's so ridiculous. | ||
But there's a lot of tradition in it and see everyone wears like Joker uniforms or what is that? | ||
These two guys that are humping. | ||
This still is bothering me. | ||
This guy's got this guy's back but he's not doing anything. | ||
unidentified
|
By the way, you should go out there one year and do the commentary. | |
I'd be so angry. | ||
You're like, where are all the black people? | ||
unidentified
|
I'd be so angry. | |
This guy's fucking gay. | ||
I see two more black guys. | ||
I'm getting happy now. | ||
They just took him off the bench. | ||
Three. | ||
There's another. | ||
He might be just a Sicilian. | ||
This guy's annoying. | ||
You've got dog shit skills. | ||
Well, it just seems like a few of these guys are okay. | ||
So this is the team pulling people off. | ||
They've got a little bit going on. | ||
See the yellow guys in yellow? | ||
That's when people get fucked up. | ||
Yeah, they just get taken off the field. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then they have to play, I think it's two 20-minute quarters, and then... | ||
The winners have to play again the next day, three days in a row. | ||
The championship is four days later, and the winning team, their prize is a cow. | ||
They get a cow? | ||
They get a cow. | ||
A cow? | ||
You don't get money, you don't get endorsement. | ||
The thing I like about it, that attracted me to it, there's no endorsement deals, nothing's being promoted, it's just people that want to fucking fight each other. | ||
What I don't understand is, where's the leg kicks? | ||
Do you guys not understand about leg kicks? | ||
They're Italian. | ||
Yeah, but there's a few kicks being thrown, but no one's throwing any leg kicks. | ||
They're standing right in front of each other, but there's no takedowns. | ||
There's no takedown attempts. | ||
It's just shitty boxing with the occasional kick. | ||
It's basically just like a giant street fight. | ||
Right, but these guys have a little bit of skill. | ||
Like, I'm looking at the way these, a lot of the, like, see, here's a takedown. | ||
Look at this. | ||
But nothing happens. | ||
So you can take a guy down. | ||
But look at the way these guys are, like, standing in front of each other. | ||
Like, juking. | ||
I think they probably get out there and, like, are like, wait, what am I doing? | ||
Let's just, like, pace around and see if we can just get through this 40 minutes without. | ||
It's so weird because they just exchange partners. | ||
They move back and forth. | ||
Like, they square off and then they decide, I don't want to fight you. | ||
I'm going to fight your friend. | ||
Well, it's so interesting because think about it. | ||
It's like these are not trained guys, but it's like if you put 20 people fighting, there's no pressure to do it right away. | ||
It's like when do you decide it's time to take you down? | ||
Oh, Jesus. | ||
This is really weird. | ||
Okay, is this guy about to score? | ||
Is the guy with the balls going to go through? | ||
He's got to get through, yeah. | ||
And then they're just talking shit. | ||
I like that. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh. | |
See, look at that kick. | ||
Does no one know how to kick? | ||
No. | ||
I think most people, unless they're in Thailand, probably don't. | ||
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
I went and saw those fights in Thailand. | ||
unidentified
|
I can't watch this. | |
Shut this up. | ||
unidentified
|
This is horrible. | |
I can't watch. | ||
I had to watch those. | ||
But the point is- I'm a purist. | ||
There's less violence, so maybe your friend who is getting brain damage at his gym who has no business- Brian Cowan? | ||
Oh, well, Brian, if Brian didn't get boxed, I would be terrified at the things he was doing in this city. | ||
I think he needs to be in a gym getting punched in the face a couple hours a day. | ||
unidentified
|
It's good. | |
So I think the people at CrossFit, no, I mean, I'm not negative about CrossFit, but the kind of people who have to get that energy out, I worry where that energy would go if they weren't getting it out in competing or fighting or boxing or whatever. | ||
That's valid. | ||
I think people feel better for sure when they have that sort of a release. | ||
And I think there's a cathartic release in any sort of like severe exertion. | ||
But I think you can get the same cathartic release from yoga. | ||
unidentified
|
I really do. | |
I really do. | ||
I mean, it's not as viscerally exciting. | ||
And for a man, it's not as satisfying. | ||
Well, it's not as much adrenaline. | ||
It doesn't give you the confidence. | ||
Like, jujitsu is my favorite because jujitsu, you can go full blast. | ||
And you get injured for sure, but it's not the same kind of injuries that you get usually from, like, kickboxing and stuff. | ||
Like, kickboxing, sparring, to me, is the most problematic because I've seen how hard some people can kick. | ||
And I just know that if you zig when you should have zagged and someone decides to kick you hard and that... | ||
Fucking chin bounces off your head. | ||
No. | ||
I just know what can be done. | ||
I've seen too much. | ||
So like when I see that, I'm like, you are, you're BMS, BMX jumping with no helmet. | ||
Okay? | ||
Hopefully you're going to land. | ||
Well, it's the thing with the jungle gym. | ||
It's just, it's not about if, it's about when. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, especially kickboxing. | ||
Kickboxing to me is, like, I feel like even boxing is more, as long as you're sparring with people who you know are not going to hit you hard, at least you've got a little bit more control of this situation. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I mean, I don't know. | ||
It really was profound to me when you said that you have to fall to know... | ||
Not your limitations, but you don't know how far... | ||
The ramifications. | ||
You have to understand. | ||
When I broke my shoulder, it changed my life. | ||
It was actually something that needed to happen because I pushed myself way too hard. | ||
I had no respect for my body. | ||
I just routinely abused it in so many ways. | ||
The people I surrounded myself with, the things I ate, the way that I lived, I didn't sleep, and it was like I needed to be proven the fragility of my body. | ||
Yeah, vulnerability. | ||
Yeah, totally. | ||
And being able to go, you know what? | ||
No, I don't think so. | ||
I think I'm going to try to think more than two hours ahead right now and not do that dangerous thing. | ||
Well, think about your body as if there's this long-term thing. | ||
And people have given me a hard time about that, too. | ||
Especially lifting weights. | ||
I'm going to wonder why your body's so fucked up. | ||
Because I'll put a video on Instagram of me working out with my trainer. | ||
But the only way you can keep your body from getting... | ||
And this sounds so counterintuitive. | ||
The only way... | ||
That you can prevent certain injuries is by making your body strong. | ||
Of course. | ||
The only way you can make your body strong is you got to lift heavy things. | ||
I'm also... | ||
Do you have any interest in hypermobility? | ||
Yes. | ||
So I was hypermobile, which I didn't know, which means I lift things, everything from a weight to a coffee cup with my joints, not my muscles. | ||
Oh, no, I didn't know the term wrong. | ||
No, maybe I am too. | ||
So Western European trash, which is I am, basically just like alcoholics with joint problems. | ||
A lot of Western European genetics means you're hypermobile. | ||
So you're picking things up, putting a lot of strain on your joints instead of using your whole body? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes, joints. | |
So when I pick something up, it's my knees and my hips and my lower back instead of my thigh muscles and my glutes. | ||
Well, that's one of the best things about kettlebell training, in my opinion, is that they're so awkward that it forces you to understand how to use your body as a unit. | ||
There's a lot of people that do bodybuilding-type workouts and the isolation exercises, although they make your muscles bigger, they don't allow your body to synchronize and use itself as one individual unit. | ||
Interesting. | ||
And that's how you get non-collision injuries. | ||
Like when you hear about people who are 50 and they're like, I sneezed and threw my back out. | ||
That's because they've been putting like, you know, pressure on their joints instead of their muscles for the longest time. | ||
And I didn't have an ass. | ||
Like I never used my glutes just walking around and walking upstairs and picking things up and whatever. | ||
And then I had to, like, relearn how to, like, walk and shit. | ||
I had to go to this, like, fucking Pilates thing. | ||
What? | ||
How old were you? | ||
It was so fucking boring. | ||
This was, like, three years ago. | ||
It was a fucking nightmare. | ||
Somebody's talking to you. | ||
Whitney, you don't know how to walk. | ||
You need to relearn how to walk. | ||
And you're like sitting in bed, you can't sleep. | ||
Fuck, I need to learn how to walk. | ||
I'm gonna do a documentary on how to walk. | ||
I'm gonna write a book on how to walk. | ||
I'm gonna learn how to walk. | ||
I'm gonna get fucking awesome at learning how to walk. | ||
I'm gonna teach people how to walk. | ||
That's what I'm gonna do. | ||
I'm gonna go to China and I'm gonna teach kids how to walk. | ||
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
By the way, that's my schedule for tomorrow. | ||
unidentified
|
That's how you do. | |
Thanks for reminding me. | ||
I mean, you're one of those people, like, when you call me, I'm going to say, I'm doing a documentary on violence. | ||
Well, when someone tells you you don't know how to walk, it's very alarming. | ||
Well, that's fucking horse shit. | ||
You walked over to them and they lied to you. | ||
I know. | ||
You don't know what it's like to be a woman. | ||
We believe lies. | ||
I don't know what it is. | ||
Guys believe lies, too. | ||
We're all full of shit. | ||
Yeah, the world's flat. | ||
Your dick is huge. | ||
There's a lot of lies going around. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's it. | |
But someone telling you you don't know how to walk. | ||
unidentified
|
Well, you know what? | |
I know my favorite. | ||
I was in a writer's room once, and I was thinking of this story where these characters were going to have sex, but then they didn't. | ||
And I was like, oh, I have an idea. | ||
What if the guy is allergic to spermicide? | ||
And everyone was like, huh? | ||
And I was like, you know how some guys are allergic to spermicide, so they can't use condoms? | ||
And everybody looked at you like, what? | ||
And I was like, yeah, it's like half of the guys I've dated can't use condoms. | ||
I was like, they can't use condoms because they're so allergic to it. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so hilarious. | |
They were like, you are the dumbest. | ||
I was literally like, as I was saying it, I was like, oh wow. | ||
Well, I believe that some women are allergic to spermicide. | ||
Not only that, but I've heard that some women are actually allergic to different partner sperm. | ||
Interesting! | ||
Yeah, I think that's true. | ||
Please Google that, Jamie. | ||
I'm allergic to sperm fertilizing my eggs. | ||
Well, what about the frozen eggs? | ||
Do you feel like a connection to them? | ||
They're in a cooler somewhere. | ||
Now, my frozen eggs are fucking living an amazing life in Hermosa Beach. | ||
They have a great view. | ||
And a vault. | ||
How do they keep them cold? | ||
I guess it's cryo-freeze. | ||
I should probably just keep them down. | ||
What if the power goes out? | ||
I think about that all the time. | ||
If the grid goes down. | ||
Is that one of those things in the middle of the night? | ||
I love that. | ||
No, they explain to me the generators and all this stuff. | ||
All I ever think about is when I'm in hospital is what if the fucking power goes out. | ||
How old are you now? | ||
33. And how many eggs did you store away? | ||
18. Your eggs are still good. | ||
Yeah, they're really good. | ||
You're good for like another six years. | ||
I am so good. | ||
A semen allergy ruined my marriage. | ||
Holy shit. | ||
14 months after we were married, I was diagnosed with human seminal plasma hypersensitivity, an allergy to semen. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
I met Simon at a girlfriend's wedding. | ||
Name changed to predict identity. | ||
The faithful date changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. | ||
So I wonder if she's like allergic to some dude's loads. | ||
And not everyone's loads? | ||
Is the allergy happening in her vagina? | ||
That's a good question. | ||
Or in her eyes? | ||
That's a good question. | ||
Just the fact that someone's allergic to cum is strange. | ||
Yeah, but I just am curious where. | ||
Like, is her throat good itchy? | ||
Well, I wonder what allergies guys have. | ||
Are some guys allergic to eating pussy? | ||
Okay, sperm allergy, sometimes semen allergy, seminal plasma, hypersensitivity is a rare allergic reaction to proteins found in a man's semen. | ||
Mostly affects women. | ||
Burging sensation in the vaginal area. | ||
Oh, that's not good. | ||
Pain, itching, and a burning sensation of vaginal area. | ||
Oh, that's awful. | ||
Yeah, that sounds not good. | ||
Oh, that's a bummer. | ||
Mostly affects women. | ||
Why? | ||
Because mostly women catch loads, yo. | ||
I wonder, yo! | ||
Am I right? | ||
Let me ask you something. | ||
Well, I'm always like, what's the evolutionary purpose of something? | ||
I mean, there's got to be an evolutionary purpose to every allergy. | ||
Is it? | ||
Or is it just to, like, eliminate people? | ||
Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
Maybe evolution doesn't want this woman to procreate. | ||
unidentified
|
Maybe she has shit genetics. | |
But evolution doesn't really work that way. | ||
It's random mutations and adaptations to environmental changes. | ||
Yeah, but what if this... | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, hold on. | |
They don't prove beneficial. | ||
But like, so for example, right? | ||
So pheromones, if your pheromones smell good, that means we should procreate, right? | ||
If they smell bad, it means we're probably related somehow. | ||
That's when... | ||
So, to have a vagina flare up when sperm goes in it, is that nature's way of being like, this woman has garbage genetics? | ||
Maybe that dude has weak loads. | ||
Maybe if a man has some, like, fucking stout loads, he would get in there and your vagina would be like, I'll take this. | ||
This is good. | ||
This is good. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey, girl. | |
Yeah, maybe it's just bad loads. | ||
That's your area. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I'm gonna not chime in. | ||
Who was it that was on the podcast? | ||
Was it Chris Ryan that was explaining about stout loads? | ||
That's gonna be my new podcast. | ||
Forward by Brian Callen. | ||
We're just gonna talk about loads for three hours, twice a week. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm really interested in loads. | ||
Yeah, we should be. | ||
I have to do my first sex scene. | ||
An actual sex scene? | ||
An actual sex scene. | ||
Next week, yeah. | ||
Uh-oh. | ||
And literally, there's so much time and energy has gone into where does his dick go? | ||
Where does everything go? | ||
Is it for a TV show or a movie? | ||
Yeah, it's for a show. | ||
Okay, so it's going to be a lot of people on the set. | ||
Yeah, I mean, they'll probably minimize unnecessary people that day. | ||
I had a dude who I was friends with who did a sex scene with a girl, and they're making out, and she goes, if you want, you can go ahead and fuck me. | ||
And he was like, nope. | ||
It was like, the moment you said that, the type of girl that says, you can fuck me in a B-movie. | ||
It wasn't even a B-movie, you know? | ||
It was like some no-name nonsense production, and they were making out, and she just said, you can go ahead and fuck me. | ||
He likes him to say no more. | ||
That's more of a turn-on to him. | ||
You can't fuck me, please. | ||
Well, I bet he's probably terrified of not being able to get it up in front of all those people as well. | ||
Well, yeah, that's... | ||
I mean, we were kind of trying to figure it out because we're like, okay, there's going to be an erection. | ||
Do we just keep... | ||
Might not be. | ||
You say there's going to be, but there might not be an erection. | ||
If there's not one... | ||
You'll be super upset. | ||
unidentified
|
I will cry. | |
I will be crying so hysterically that he will get one because guys are into that. | ||
They're into crying? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
I did an episode with Chris about this one time. | ||
I was crying and the guy I was crying to got an erection and I was like, red flag! | ||
You like weak with sad women. | ||
Well, there are some people that have a hard time with someone who is not insecure if they're insecure. | ||
So if they're insecure and the woman is confident, they panic and then they could have a problem getting an erection. | ||
But if the woman all of a sudden needs comforting and she's insecure, then they assume this position of power. | ||
Oh yeah, interesting. | ||
So I should be really insecure. | ||
I will be anyway. | ||
Well, I don't know. | ||
I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
There's two voices that are just absolute bullshit that just don't work, but we know them as archetypes. | ||
And one of them is like the spooky voice. | ||
No one's scared of the spooky voice. | ||
And then the sexy girl. | ||
Call 1-800. | ||
Suck my... | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Like that fucking voice. | ||
Please guys don't ever suck on anyone's pussy. | ||
unidentified
|
Suck it. | |
I like it. | ||
Everyone's different. | ||
But you know what I'm saying? | ||
It's like, you know, hey boys, what are you doing alone right now? | ||
That doesn't work on anybody. | ||
I think that's so men can do it. | ||
So that men can pretend to be women. | ||
I mean, like, I don't know any women who are like, hey. | ||
But you know what I mean? | ||
Have you ever seen those commercials? | ||
Those late night, you know, like, phone call commercials? | ||
I think it's this, but the kind of men who call late night commercials at 2 a.m. | ||
are not guys like you. | ||
They're guys who probably are more susceptible, who are beta males, who need someone even more beta than them. | ||
unidentified
|
So maybe that's why they have to be like, call 921. But it's the naughty girl voice. | |
Do you want to call Ashley Madison? | ||
Come on. | ||
Yeah, it's like, why are you whispering? | ||
Don't you want to be naughty? | ||
Well, maybe it's because they know that the wife's in the next room. | ||
You're a bad boy. | ||
Ew, that's so fucking creepy. | ||
unidentified
|
You are bad. | |
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
It's so scary. | |
I know. | ||
Well, I sound like Fran Drescher. | ||
I'm like, hey, just call fucking 999, suck my pussy already. | ||
Guys, that's not sexy. | ||
999, suck my pussy. | ||
What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
Why haven't you called me? | ||
There's like other archetypes, right? | ||
Like the strip club DJ voice, the top 40 DJ voice. | ||
Those are archetypes. | ||
unidentified
|
Casey Kasem. | |
The politician voice. | ||
That's an archetype. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The annoying wife voice. | ||
Yes. | ||
Voice? | ||
Sure. | ||
I find myself, and I've stopped doing this because I realize I'm exacerbating the problem. | ||
I get very triggered and annoyed by stereotypes. | ||
Like, the stereotype that guys are dumb really annoys me. | ||
Most guys are dumb, though. | ||
I don't think guys are dumb. | ||
Most people are dumb. | ||
Most people are dumb. | ||
I just mean in terms of, why didn't you remember my friend Audrey's name? | ||
You've met her three times. | ||
It's like guys are only really designed to remember things if there's like some kind of threat attached to it. | ||
And it's just your brains are – because like we're designed to sort of in a team way for me to be hypervigilant and be like, there's a fucking lion. | ||
And you go – You break down everything to like some primitive tribe that is worried about an invasion. | ||
unidentified
|
Always. | |
Don't you think that people find things memorable because they're interesting and they're fascinating? | ||
Yes, but- That are totally unthreatening. | ||
But is Audrey interesting or fascinating to you? | ||
I don't know, Audrey, so maybe she is. | ||
Maybe she's cool as fuck. | ||
Yeah, maybe Dr. Audrey PhD, but I just mean like some benign friend of your girl or whatever. | ||
And then, because it's also, that's something that I love about Like, if you're fixing something, I want you to only be focusing on that. | ||
Guys don't multitask in the same way, you know? | ||
I just think that calling guys dumb, it's just as glorifying, like, a neurotic, multitasking, you know, overworked or glorification of busy type that's the new thing. | ||
Guys that are just, like, simple, you know, I just... | ||
People are so varied though. | ||
I'm really more hesitant to generalize the older I get. | ||
Yeah, me too. | ||
Women are crazy, men are stupid. | ||
That thing is just to me so general. | ||
It's generalization that I think is really not helpful. | ||
Yeah. | ||
At all. | ||
And annoying. | ||
Well, it makes people comfort. | ||
It gives them comfort. | ||
unidentified
|
It makes you feel safe. | |
To sort of classify people. | ||
Totally. | ||
Like, you don't have to, like, look at it. | ||
Oh, what happened with Debbie? | ||
She's a crazy bitch. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, it's like, it's easy to say she's a crazy bitch instead of say, well, I was raised kind of fucked up and I really don't have intimacy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes, and I get triggered by women like her and she wasn't heard as a child. | |
And plus I'm insecure and she's a little stronger than I like. | ||
I was molested and it's just, it's, yeah. | ||
I like to be the dominant one. | ||
She's smarter than me and it doesn't work out. | ||
No one has time for that. | ||
Yeah, that's too much work. | ||
But wait, why did we get on that topic? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Oh, the beta males. | ||
unidentified
|
Loads. | |
Hot loads. | ||
Hot loads. | ||
Coming in hot loads. | ||
No, it's something about the beta males. | ||
Oh, and the archetypes. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, this is it. | ||
I found in my stand-up, I'd be like, and then my boyfriend was like, what are you doing? | ||
And I'm like, guys don't sound like that. | ||
What am I doing? | ||
But it's funny. | ||
You know what? | ||
Point taken? | ||
Never mind. | ||
I'm going back to it. | ||
Sometimes I'll put a girl on my act and I'll be like, Oh my god! | ||
Is that what you bought? | ||
Oh my god! | ||
unidentified
|
Is that what you think I'm here for? | |
I know that girl exists somewhere, but I don't know anybody like that. | ||
It's Whitney! | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know! | |
I just feel like we're a primal species under attack. | ||
I don't know how to walk! | ||
I don't. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm walking wrong. | |
I pick things up with my joints. | ||
unidentified
|
You guys, one day I'm going to sneeze and my back's just going to break in half. | |
I found an extra bone in my forearm. | ||
Oh my god, I'm allergic to that semen. | ||
Get it away from me. | ||
unidentified
|
Ew, disgusting. | |
Get it away from my frozen eggs. | ||
Or please freeze them with my eggs. | ||
I need sperm. | ||
Yeah, freeze it alongside, just in case you can combine it. | ||
Is that all you need, is cum and eggs? | ||
Ideally, you want to freeze an embryo, which means the sperm fertilized. | ||
I say, hey, Joe, can I have some of your sperm? | ||
Fertilize my egg, then put it in the freezer, and then put it back in my body. | ||
That seems so creepy zombie to me. | ||
It's total science fiction. | ||
The embryo gets frozen, and then you could turn that into life. | ||
It's a healthy choice dinner. | ||
An embryo will eventually become a human being. | ||
That little embryo is already fertilized. | ||
It's the egg that's fertilized. | ||
You can freeze that, but you can't freeze a 13-year-old. | ||
Nope. | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
No. | ||
Like, there's a cutoff period. | ||
I'm sure we could at some point, just not yet. | ||
I think we could. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think it's gonna happen. | ||
I think these fucking re-animate guys, these assholes that are shooting stem cells into dumb people's heads, those fuckers, they're gonna fix it all. | ||
I know, I'm like, I know a lot of alive people who need that, but, um, yeah, that is, uh, I mean, I imagine it's because it doesn't have a brain and blood. | ||
It doesn't have to be warm. | ||
Like, embryos don't have to be warm. | ||
Humans, I guess, have to get a certain body temperature. | ||
I mean, that's like some Austin Powers shit. | ||
But even a cell, to me, I mean, if it was an individual cell, like if the egg had been fertilized and it created one cell, the idea that you could freeze that fucking cell before it divides and becomes a full-on human being, the idea that you could freeze that one cell and then regenerate it, that's crazy. | ||
Honestly, I don't know how people do like it's so I guess that's why I tried to read so much shit because I'm like I don't understand how I can't even understand what these people are doing and I'm not even doing it. | ||
Well, it's so standard today, too. | ||
I mean, which is so really fascinating because if you brought this concept to someone 200 years ago or even a hundred years ago, they think you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
Yeah, but it's it sounds fucking crazy. | ||
It does. | ||
I just had it done and he's like I'm sucking him out of your fucking ovary. | ||
I'm like, okay. | ||
Do you remember John and Kate plus eight? | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
Yeah. | ||
Remember that crazy lady? | ||
They shot those chemicals inside of her body to make her more fertile, and she gave birth to six kids. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yes. | ||
Octomom. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What the fuck? | ||
unidentified
|
Octomom. | |
I forgot about Octomom. | ||
You have to have a lot of money. | ||
I think the only reason I remember that is because people on Twitter say I look like her. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
When they're just being mean. | ||
unidentified
|
Rude. | |
I know. | ||
I've never felt like more of a science project. | ||
It's like the human body is kind of a miracle. | ||
But when he's... | ||
This sort of intersection between technology and life or Mother Nature is so weird. | ||
It's like he's in there and he's like... | ||
I like how you're doing this. | ||
It's like you went this with the sole, and now you're going in here. | ||
It's not a very sexy or romantic process. | ||
It's very clinical and sort of rough. | ||
My ovaries are on a high-def television. | ||
For those two things to be in this intersect is just so weird. | ||
You're just looking at all your follicles. | ||
I was convinced for the first Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's just no way you can see inside. | ||
I mean, my body's dark on the inside, obviously. | ||
- Intellectually. | ||
- I can't fathom it. | ||
- Yeah. | ||
- Like it's just too, I'm too obtuse obviously. | ||
Well, everybody is, I think. | ||
He's pointing out my follicles. | ||
He's like, this one's a different size. | ||
I'm like, how the fuck do you know that? | ||
It looks like a haunted house to me. | ||
I can't understand anything. | ||
It looks like paranormal activity. | ||
I mean, it looks like a fucking nightmare. | ||
And then I go, and then I'm sure enough, I looked like I was four or five months pregnant. | ||
And I'm doing these shots every day, and I'm like, this is so fucking crazy. | ||
So it makes your stomach stick out more? | ||
Yes, because I had 18 big swollen eggs. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
They're huge. | ||
Yeah, I have a picture of it somewhere. | ||
I'll send it to you and I look like five months pregnant and it's just like, you know, it's usually cause for alarm. | ||
So to spend money to look like that. | ||
And then, yeah, and then you go in and they suck them all out. | ||
Now, what made you decide to do that versus, like, one day have a kid? | ||
I am going to one day have a kid. | ||
What he said to me was this. | ||
He was like, look. | ||
Look. | ||
Because I was like, I know my next year and a half, two years is going to be a little bit hectic, and I'm probably not going to get it. | ||
He was like, this might not be for your first or second kid. | ||
It could be for your fourth. | ||
Like, when you're 44, and you're like, you know, I'm going to have one more. | ||
Or, like, I'm going to have a surrogate. | ||
You know? | ||
Oh, Jesus. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's literally just like an insurance policy. | ||
How about just adopt? | ||
Adopting, it depends. | ||
So adopting is kind of a nightmare. | ||
A lot of my friends have been going through it. | ||
You sign up for it and you're waiting for the baby to be born and the mother might change their mind. | ||
So the mother has, I think, two days to decide whether she wants to keep the baby or not after she gives birth. | ||
And that's, of course, when her brain is bathed in oxytocin after having it. | ||
And a lot of couples go down a nine-month journey and don't get a kid. | ||
But if you do it from a different country, it's a little different. | ||
I have a couple gay friends that hired a surrogate. | ||
Is it a surrogate? | ||
What is it? | ||
Yeah, surrogate. | ||
Even for gay people? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I guess they use their own cum. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
It's just a cooler surrogate. | ||
They both shot it into a turkey baster and mixed it all together. | ||
It had to have been one or the other. | ||
I don't think... | ||
They shook it up. | ||
I don't think they knew. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
I'm guessing. | ||
But anyway, they paid this woman for like a year. | ||
It's like $150,000. | ||
They paid her for a year and then when the baby was born, she decided to keep it. | ||
No! | ||
That's their lawyer's fault. | ||
There must have been something. | ||
She decided to keep it. | ||
I don't think you could force a woman to... | ||
You might be able to force her to give the money back or some of the money back or you could sue for the money back. | ||
But I don't think that you could take the baby away. | ||
That's insane. | ||
In California, the mother has, I think, all the rights. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think... | ||
Once the baby comes out of her body, she's probably like, listen, that's my fucking baby. | ||
I'm going to make this work. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, it's really a total chemical bonding thing. | ||
Well, also, there might have been some severe desperation in her life that made her take this position as being a surrogate mother in the first place. | ||
And the money that they gave her might have alleviated a lot of the problems that were causing her to be so desperate that she wanted to have a surrogate baby. | ||
That's very interesting. | ||
It was dark. | ||
For them, it was really heartbreaking, but it was also like, wow, this is her fucking baby. | ||
I mean, she grew it in her body, like biologically. | ||
I also have friends with surrogates, and it's very stressful because you want to micromanage what they're eating, if they're sleeping. | ||
But something that was helpful that I learned was that if a baby's not getting the nutrients it needs, it will take it from its mother's bones. | ||
So if your surrogate is eating McDonald's, your kid's going to be fine. | ||
The carrier is the one that's going to suffer. | ||
Little parasites. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Just sucking fucking calcium out of your bones. | ||
Babies, totally, they suck brain cells from the mother, too. | ||
Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
I mean, they're fucking vampires. | ||
Women get so dumb when they're pregnant. | ||
I think they lose like 10% of their... | ||
No, they're just tired all the time, I think is what it is, honestly. | ||
It's fucking exhausting. | ||
They're duplicating. | ||
I mean, it's like it's a metamorphosis. | ||
It's like a fucking... | ||
It's a lot of work. | ||
What a nightmare. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's just crazy that that's the process. | ||
Taking all their energy. | ||
Well, it's the ultimate biological trick. | ||
Barbaric. | ||
The thing that we look forward to the most, the thing that sells cars and fucking TV shows, long legs and sex and, hey, buddy. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
And what is it really? | ||
It's about coming in someone and making a person in their body. | ||
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
I mean, it's really like this ultimate biological trick of replication. | ||
Have you ever heard of this book called, it's a stupid name, but Cupid's Poisoned Arrow? | ||
It's about what orgasms do to your brain? | ||
No. | ||
And the whole sort of theory is to not have an orgasm unless you're going to actually procreate because of the chemicals that are released. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Who wrote that book? | ||
What kind of monster wrote that book? | ||
What kind of fucking, yeah, sex addicts? | ||
First of all, no, that's the best way to clear your mind, is to shoot a load. | ||
I know, but it's something about- Guys jerk off, and your thought process is so much clearer. | ||
There's so many times that I've told my friends, like, you know, I don't know what to do, man. | ||
She's pressured me. | ||
Jerk off first, then think about it. | ||
Just go jerk off, and then tell me after you jerked off if you want to deal with all this emotional bullshit that's being thrown at you. | ||
Hold on. | ||
I'll send this to you. | ||
I remember reading it, and while I was reading it, I was like, yeah, this makes a lot of sense. | ||
I mean, I don't want to live like that, but it makes a lot of sense. | ||
Well, it's something about how if you want to stay in love with someone long term, because if you have too many orgasms, you produce dopamine, and then after—because essentially we're designed to procreate, like you said— And then the female starts producing oxytocin, but the male starts being less interested and the brain is like, okay, now you have to go procreate with someone else because our brain doesn't know that there's six billion people on the planet and we don't need to fucking procreate with a lot of different moms. | ||
So it's something about if you want to be in a relationship for a long time. | ||
So it's like a tantric type thing? | ||
Kind of. | ||
You know what? | ||
I'll send it to you. | ||
It's basically about... | ||
I stopped reading after like four pages because I was like, I'm never going to fucking... | ||
It's about keeping oxytocin, the bonding chemical, alive with couples. | ||
Oh, that's crazy. | ||
They're trying to hack couples. | ||
Yes, they are. | ||
That's ridiculous. | ||
How about just find someone that you actually like? | ||
That's too easy. | ||
unidentified
|
It's possible. | |
It's kind of in LA. Is that possible? | ||
Of course. | ||
It can be done everywhere. | ||
Who do you think I should date? | ||
Who do I think you should date? | ||
I don't know. | ||
We'll find you somebody. | ||
We need to find you somebody. | ||
I'm dating somebody, but... | ||
It's not working out, obviously. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
I'm just curious. | ||
That dude's at home going, shit! | ||
Who do you think I should date? | ||
I thought we were dating, bitch! | ||
No, I'm curious. | ||
I'm just curious. | ||
I'm curious. | ||
You always have interesting opinions. | ||
I think the person I'm dating is a good idea, but I'm just curious. | ||
You're a lot. | ||
So I think, and I mean that in the best way possible, but you're very smart and you're very ambitious and you're interested in a lot of different things and you have to have someone who's similar in some ways. | ||
Or is that a nightmare? | ||
No, I honestly believe that in order for someone like you, because I think you're an outlier in a lot of ways. | ||
I'm a liar, that's for sure. | ||
No. | ||
That outlying aspect of your personality. | ||
Someone has to be an outlier in some way of their own in order for them to appreciate you. | ||
Because otherwise they're just going to think, I can't keep up with this crazy bitch. | ||
This is just too much. | ||
She doesn't sleep. | ||
She gets up in the middle of the night and starts writing books and learning how to walk again. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I'm like the grandpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory getting out of bed. | ||
Well, there's a lot of benefits to your type of behavior. | ||
Obviously, that's why you're so successful. | ||
There's a lot of benefits to the way you think. | ||
But the negative, the side aspect of it, where I would say it's going to be problematic is someone has to, like for companionship, someone has to be able to keep up with you or understand you or accept you. | ||
And the way you think and the way you approach life is extremely different. | ||
It's not the way most people do it, and not the way most women do it, for sure. | ||
And if men are used to this certain type of patterns that some women follow, and then you have this pattern, they're going to be like, I just want to grow with complaints about Starbucks. | ||
I can go back to that. | ||
unidentified
|
Very good. | |
I understand. | ||
They run out of soy. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
Almond milk or coconut milk? | ||
Camel milk? | ||
What are we doing? | ||
Goat's milk? | ||
I think, you know, when... | ||
I hate saying stupid shit that people repeat, but I think this repeated thing is... | ||
When you're ready, you'll find someone. | ||
Yeah, you're right. | ||
Because I... And I think there's like... | ||
I think a relationship really doesn't work unless you yourself are ready for a relationship, too. | ||
That's a really good point. | ||
And you have to be someone that someone would want to be in a relationship with. | ||
I say that all the time. | ||
I'm like, how about stop focusing on the other person when I want to date me? | ||
Right. | ||
Once I get in a place where I would want to date me or marry me... | ||
Yeah. | ||
And people think they're gonna find someone, a person's gonna calm them down, and then they're gonna be someone that's worth dating. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's oftentimes... | ||
Calm yourself down. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Solve your own problems, and then, yeah, totally. | ||
Yeah, so they put on a fucking song and dance for the first couple weeks of the relationship until, like, a buddy of mine had this girl that he was dating for a while, and then his car broke down, And he needed her to help him. | ||
Like his tire blew out. | ||
And I forgot the whole story. | ||
But she helped him in some sort of a way. | ||
Like she came and got him or something like that. | ||
And then she stayed over the house. | ||
And then the next day she texted him like five fucking times in a row. | ||
And he didn't text her back. | ||
And then she... | ||
Left this crazy message about now she's going to need therapy and she has trust issues. | ||
And so he was like, what the fuck? | ||
He was working all day. | ||
He was like, I was working all day. | ||
I had one day where I tried to put my phone aside and concentrate on my work and you're just blowing up my fucking phone and I didn't text you back and now you need therapy. | ||
unidentified
|
Like... | |
There's certain people that you enter into any sort of an intimate relationship with them, and you're taking on the burden of all this psychological fucking... | ||
Which is, I think, exactly why all this self-aware shit, maybe it comes off super masturbatory and narcissistic, but I was like, I am done being crazy. | ||
Like, it's... | ||
It's not... | ||
But you're still crazy by saying I'm done being crazy. | ||
That's a sign of being crazy. | ||
But here's the thing. | ||
I don't... | ||
It's cute in your 20s. | ||
It's not cute in your 30s to text a guy five times in a row. | ||
unidentified
|
That's not cute. | |
That's a lack of awareness. | ||
I do not... | ||
Exactly. | ||
So I want to be able to go, oh, this is my shit. | ||
This has nothing to do with him. | ||
Like, I have abandonment terror and da-da and, like, solve my own problems. | ||
Abandonment terror? | ||
unidentified
|
I've never heard... | |
It's called abandonment terror. | ||
I've never heard that expression before. | ||
I had infant maternal disruption, so I have abandonment terror, which means I didn't... | ||
Hit the brakes. | ||
I feel like we're always in here, and as soon as we start winding down, I throw out some shit like that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, sperm allergy, infant maternal disruption, fuck. | ||
You can't walk? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
What's going on with your foot? | ||
All right, nice talking to you. | ||
I can't walk. | ||
I'm going to crawl out of here and get my fucking Tesla. | ||
Get on my Segway and get out of here. | ||
No, when you didn't get enough eye contact as a kid, basically, you have infant maternal disruption. | ||
Like, you weren't able to get the connection. | ||
So when... | ||
When you don't get a text back or whatever, it starts triggering really old abandonment terror. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
Abandonment terror? | ||
That girl is broken. | ||
Something happened from the ages of one to three that now is manifesting in five text messages. | ||
But you have to control your own shit. | ||
You've got to clean up your own yard. | ||
You've got to fix it. | ||
That's why I'm in 12-step programs. | ||
I do EMDR. I'm on all sorts of shit. | ||
I'm not going to be a puppet of what happened to me when I was three for the rest of my life. | ||
I'm not going to punish the guys I date for. | ||
It's not your fault. | ||
But even talking about his punishment... | ||
Well, I don't. | ||
I know that we're not even dating and me talking about it. | ||
But it's not punishment to me. | ||
So in program, we don't go to the problem for the solution. | ||
So it's like, if the problem is you're not texting me back, I'm not going to go to you and say, hey, text me back. | ||
I'm going to go figure out the solution and then take the solution to the relationship. | ||
Yeah, well, I'm a big believer in the path of least resistance when it comes to relationships. | ||
And if someone doesn't want to text you back, you probably shouldn't be hanging out with them. | ||
It's pretty simple. | ||
To chase after people. | ||
I don't chase. | ||
It's an instinct. | ||
People have it. | ||
Like, God, why didn't they call me back? | ||
How come you didn't text me back, you fuck? | ||
I guess we're not texting back now. | ||
Yeah, a lot of us seek people whose approval we don't have or whose attention we don't have because we didn't get it. | ||
Well, I think text messages and even voicemail messages, in a way, are weird. | ||
In that, like, you send somebody something, and then you wait for them to respond, and you hold, and you're like, all right, come on. | ||
What do we got here? | ||
What do we got here? | ||
It's like, send a raven! | ||
You know, you gotta fucking scroll attached to this bird. | ||
Well, it's also worse now, because it's like, if I text you and you don't text me back, and then I see that you posted on Instagram, there's this whole new fucking thing. | ||
Which did happen the other day, Joe. | ||
It didn't? | ||
No, I'm joking. | ||
unidentified
|
Definitely not. | |
But I mean, there's this new thing of how I can see all the other things you're doing on your phone instantly, so I'm now all of a sudden like, well, you fucking responded to these tweets, you know, from fucking Rhonda, but you didn't text me back. | ||
It turns into that shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Fucking Rhonda. | |
Yeah, so... | ||
I'm not going to start a beef with her. | ||
I love her very much. | ||
Which Rhonda are you talking about? | ||
Oh, because you have the Dr. Rhonda! | ||
And then you have Rhonda Rousey. | ||
Oh, I was doing Rhonda Rousey. | ||
I thought you were just making people's names up. | ||
Oh, no, no. | ||
I was just trying to think of someone who you might tweet with. | ||
Right, I get it. | ||
Or tweet about or something. | ||
All of the above. | ||
But yeah, so now I think with all of these other things, it makes it harder to just solely focus on the purity of did he text me back or not. | ||
It's like he didn't text me back, but he did all these other things on his phone. | ||
Human beings enter into relationships, even friendships. | ||
When I say relationship, I don't mean sexual. | ||
Just like any time when you're relating to other people. | ||
The person that you're hanging around with, they change how you are. | ||
You are who you are. | ||
You have this base. | ||
And then you might be lighter around certain people. | ||
Totally. | ||
There's like a chemical reaction that you have to people's personalities. | ||
I instantly, when I see a comic, I stop trying to be funny. | ||
It's the best thing. | ||
I'm not like, don't ever make jokes, but as soon as I'm in a comic, I'm like, I don't have to try to make you laugh. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
So you feel like when you're around people that aren't comics, you're almost obligated because they know you're funny? | ||
Yeah, it's like your thing about it. | ||
It's just different reactions. | ||
Certain people trigger different things. | ||
Is that maybe your own expectations of what you think people want from you? | ||
unidentified
|
Could be. | |
Could be. | ||
Or it's like the performance or the show or the costume I put on to avoid intimacy or to having to really connect to somebody. | ||
Do you think that like with every day and every hour and every time you obsess and all these things and all these different paths that you go down, like every day gets a little better? | ||
Yes. | ||
Every day you get a little better at it. | ||
Get a little better at life. | ||
Yes. | ||
Yes. | ||
And if I haven't, I'm like, you know, but it depends on also what comes up because it's like, you know, sometimes you're like, I'm fucking nailing it. | ||
And then a trigger comes along that you're like, I didn't even know that was a trigger. | ||
unidentified
|
That was weird. | |
You know, or like a totally new... | ||
The stimulus dynamic comes along. | ||
Instagram is invented. | ||
I'm nailing it with guys. | ||
They don't have to text me back. | ||
I feel great. | ||
And then they put them like, oh shit! | ||
Now Instagram was fucking invented and now I have to see what they're doing. | ||
So it's like our environments are changing so fast. | ||
It's hard for our emotional and mental progress to keep up with all these new curveballs. | ||
Unless you turn your phone black and white and shut that bitch off. | ||
I like how you have a cover on your phone too. | ||
How do you like me now? | ||
I have to put a chastity belt on my phone. | ||
When I drive, I have to put it in the backseat because I will text and drive. | ||
In the backseat? | ||
I put it in the backseat because I don't trust myself. | ||
I'll just be driving and I'll look down and all of a sudden I'm on my phone. | ||
I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
This is so dangerous. | ||
You go unconscious. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I rear-ended somebody, like, and it wasn't, like, email. | ||
I literally just looked down at my phone. | ||
I was, like, pulling up to a stop sign. | ||
And I thought I was stopped. | ||
And, you know, they say that texting is now worse than drunk driving. | ||
More people die from texting and driving now than drunk driving. | ||
What? | ||
And I don't even think it's... | ||
unidentified
|
Is that real? | |
Yeah. | ||
I just think it's not going to happen to me. | ||
I don't know what magical fucking addict thinking I'm doing, but I literally will just look down at my phone and I rear-ended this guy and I was like, I'm so sorry. | ||
Totally my fault. | ||
And I was like, that's going to be my rock bottom. | ||
It wasn't bad at all. | ||
It was like a little ding. | ||
And I was like, hey, that needed to happen. | ||
But don't you think that your ideas of what is going to happen are based on what's already happened and nothing's happened yet? | ||
So you assume, well, I'm in the car, I'm driving. | ||
Nothing happens when I'm driving. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm safe. | |
I live in the valley. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
What's the... | ||
What am I going to die in a car accident? | ||
I mean, that's not the story I wrote for myself, but no one gives a fuck about that. | ||
No one has that script. | ||
Everyone isn't running around trying to make sure I stay alive. | ||
And that brings it all back to you going to Vietnam and you experiencing another possibility that you or I, we're both really lucky they were born in America. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We're born white, wealthy people in America. | ||
I mean, not born it. | ||
I wasn't born it, yeah. | ||
I wasn't either. | ||
But we're lucky. | ||
We're lucky as fuck. | ||
Like, this situation wasn't possible if you live in Vietnam. | ||
Literally, I feel like what I realized is like, you know, because when everyone's like, I'm tired. | ||
Like, everyone's like, there's just, like, people love being sick, too. | ||
They love it. | ||
They fucking love it. | ||
I don't feel good. | ||
I have a headache. | ||
I have this, I have a thyroid thing. | ||
They brag about having sicknesses. | ||
They're just distractions though, right? | ||
I have Lyme disease or whatever. | ||
Lyme disease is real. | ||
If you really have Lyme disease, I'm so sorry. | ||
Tim Ferriss, so sorry. | ||
Tim Ferriss has Lyme disease? | ||
He had it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was like, I think, really bad. | ||
Oh. | ||
But like, I mean, everyone's like, I'm tired. | ||
I think I have Lyme disease. | ||
I'm like, no, people really have Lyme disease. | ||
Or people are like, I'm allergic to gluten. | ||
I'm like, do you have celiac disease? | ||
Or do you just need to be sick because it gets you attention? | ||
And then you go to a place where people are actually sick and actually have problems. | ||
And it just really changes your perspective. | ||
Did you ever see that Louis C.K. bit about being white? | ||
Probably, but it makes me think of the one, because I was thinking, this isn't a bit I do, obviously, but I just remember after being in Vietnam, I was like, we should just walk around all the time and be like, that's awesome! | ||
This is so cool! | ||
unidentified
|
I love it! | |
This is awesome! | ||
Look at this! | ||
It should just constantly be like, oh my god, there's water in this bottle! | ||
Louis has this amazing bit where he's like, you could go back to any time in history and it would be amazing. | ||
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
He's like, that's the thing about being white. | ||
He's like, being white is great. | ||
He goes, you go back 200 years ago, you don't have to worry about being a slave. | ||
Well, white people, Irish people didn't have it so good for a while. | ||
Well, there's definitely some... | ||
I mean, it's a joke, obviously. | ||
Yeah, I know, I know, I know. | ||
Take that, Louie. | ||
What about the Irish people? | ||
Found a little debunking your bit. | ||
But he also had that thing about everything's amazing and all we do is complain about the flying and people are like, my flight was 45 minutes late. | ||
I went on this hunting trip in Prince of Wales Island, which is in Alaska, and it's unbelievably rainy. | ||
I mean, we were just drenched. | ||
For six days. | ||
And I just thought in my head for some reason that you'd be dry when you get in the tent. | ||
I'd be like, well, once you get in the tent, you'll be dry. | ||
But you never really get dry because the air is wet and there's mist everywhere. | ||
So everything's wet. | ||
Your sleeping bag's soaking wet. | ||
The only thing that saves you and keeps you warm is the fact that you're wearing wool. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
Because wool retains body heat even when it's wet, unlike cotton and a lot of synthetic fabrics don't do it very well either. | ||
Oh, interesting. | ||
But wool is amazing. | ||
It's an animal, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
An animal's hair. | ||
Exactly. | ||
So when you have wool socks on, even if your feet are wet, you're still warm. | ||
No, I didn't know that. | ||
Yeah, wool is the shit. | ||
The shit. | ||
Tweet that. | ||
It is so important for people that are in the outdoors, like wool undergarments. | ||
Sheep would be dead, probably. | ||
I think wolves get them more than the cold. | ||
But I mean, oh, good point. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay, got it. | |
Sorry. | ||
I was like, I thought you meant wolf hair. | ||
I was like, wolves have wool? | ||
Their hair is wool? | ||
Sorry. | ||
My point was that, so six days in this soaked environment, just every day just being completely wet. | ||
Everything's wet. | ||
Everything you do is wet. | ||
Your face is wet. | ||
It's like a sheen that you could feel it on you. | ||
It's like you're just wet and cold. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I came back and it was sunny and it was 80 and I was like, this is amazing. | ||
And I was driving around in LA and I'm like, I love it here. | ||
And I called my friend Steve, same guy, Steve Rinell, and I called him up and I go, dude, I am so fucking happy. | ||
I've never been this happy. | ||
But it's because I was miserable for those days. | ||
Yes, it's so important to have adversity. | ||
I appreciate it, yes. | ||
I was in Vietnam, like I said, they wear masks. | ||
I went for a run with this motherfucker who, back to your point about flat feet, he's like the marathon guy who's like, you're supposed to run barefooted. | ||
So he's barefoot run guy. | ||
And this was the first non-barefoot run he's done because it was in Vietnam and there's just like, you shouldn't have Yeah, just nightmares. | ||
Just dead animals. | ||
Just dysentery. | ||
Just babies. | ||
By the way, also just kids everywhere. | ||
I'm like, do you have a parent? | ||
Like, I mean, there's just like three-year-old toddlers just running businesses. | ||
Excuse me. | ||
Do you work here? | ||
I'll send you some of the photos. | ||
You'll see a kid just in a store alone and you're like, what is happening? | ||
It's so fucking dangerous. | ||
And everyone's in masks. | ||
They can't breathe the oxygen there. | ||
And we went for a run and I came back and I felt like I had smoked four packs of cigarettes. | ||
And I came back to LA and even just doing that was like a little mini miracle. | ||
Did you ever see that? | ||
There's a story that was written about Mark Zuckerberg, who was in China, and he went for a run during one of the worst days, one of the worst pollution days, and he's out there jogging around, and you look at the air behind him, it's like you're jogging into an exhaust pipe. | ||
And he just doesn't see... | ||
Maybe he wanted to experience it because, you know, just to know... | ||
I mean, he's an interesting guy. | ||
He's obviously a very thoughtful guy. | ||
And I think that maybe he wanted to experience it just to know what those people deal with. | ||
When you have that much money, you're like, I can pay for it. | ||
Whatever happens to me, we can fucking new lungs. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll just get some fucking stem cells shot in my lungs for the regeneration people. | |
Yeah, totally in my fucking re-anime my lungs. | ||
But yeah, I mean, and that's... | ||
I think that I also, like, once you see that kind of pollution, it's like, you know, because there's so many charities and there's so many fucking problems, you can't try to solve all of them or be, you know, such a small... | ||
But I was like, oh, this is the first time that I was like... | ||
I need to like only buy, you know, there's like carbon neutral companies and companies that, you know, put less emissions out and stuff. | ||
And you're like, yeah, I should start voting with things I buy. | ||
And, you know, it's the first time I got this app that tells you what companies don't emit as much pollution, you know, stuff like that. | ||
And I'm like, I never really thought about that before until I was breathing in like viscous toxic air. | ||
Well, it's interesting because just being a human being just by... | ||
The nature of our existence. | ||
We consume constantly. | ||
And we're constantly using things that are detrimental to the environment. | ||
And people will concentrate on certain things. | ||
Like, hey, I ride my bike everywhere, so my carbon footprint is less. | ||
Yeah, but you're still using plastic, motherfucker. | ||
That shit goes into garbage. | ||
Totally. | ||
Waste refilling. | ||
What are those called? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Landfills. | ||
They go into landfills. | ||
They wind up getting into the ocean. | ||
All the stuff that we do has an effect. | ||
All of it. | ||
100%. | ||
This idea that you're immune because you ride your bike everywhere or because you have an electric car, that one drives me fucking crazy. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Because, by the way, those electric cars, those fucking minerals that are in those cars, yeah. | ||
The batteries apparently cause they're not recyclable, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Well, not only that, they're conflict minerals. | ||
A lot of the batteries, they're getting the minerals from places that are like... | ||
There's a real issue with where they're getting these minerals to make these batteries. | ||
That's one of the big things about Afghanistan. | ||
One of the big things about Afghanistan, they found trillions of dollars worth of lithium in the mountains. | ||
And they believe it's one of the reasons why we're there in the first place. | ||
Really? | ||
There's all sorts of natural resources that the Soviets wanted out of Afghanistan. | ||
The natural gas pipeline, it's one of the main reasons why they believe that some of the neocons were very interested in protecting and invading Afghanistan. | ||
It's not just the poppy business, which is huge. | ||
Look, it's a giant fucking business. | ||
And the idea that, well, we wouldn't have anything to do with that because it's not illegal, or because it's illegal, well, that's not true. | ||
Because if you look at what happened in Vietnam, Vietnam, a big part of the reason why people were in Vietnam, why some people supported being in Vietnam, It's because they were profiting off controlling the heroin trade. | ||
That's a fact. | ||
There was a fucking trillion dollars made during the Vietnam War from heroin sales and where it was made and why and who got the money and where the corruption took place and where the money was being handed out. | ||
That's all open to speculation and research and maybe someone will eventually have it all figured out one day. | ||
But the reality is there was a massive amount of fucking heroin that was being moved. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
Jesus Christ. | ||
I'm getting crazy. | ||
I know. | ||
He's so into this heroin thing. | ||
But nothing happened. | ||
I got lucky. | ||
Dude. | ||
I also like that your coffee is so made of coconut oil and butter that it's white. | ||
It barely moves. | ||
Your coffee is like lava. | ||
It's thick. | ||
It's thick like my stout loads. | ||
My point being that these batteries that they're making these fucking car batteries out of, it's like Oh, wow. | ||
The idea that we're not is crazy. | ||
The idea that that's not a part of the equation is utter, complete nonsense. | ||
unidentified
|
Craziness. | |
And I think that the amount of minerals that are in these fucking car batteries is something we really need to look at, because I was reading this whole piece about conflict minerals and how non-green electric cars actually are. | ||
If you stop and look at it, like, yeah, as far as, like, our environment, yes. | ||
For sure. | ||
They definitely pollute our environment less. | ||
But if we look at the actual repercussions of creating these things, like how are these minerals being sourced? | ||
How are they making these batteries? | ||
What's the adverse effects of creating these batteries? | ||
It's not clean and free. | ||
So people run around saying, I drive my electric car and I only eat organic and so I'm free of any... | ||
unidentified
|
No, you're free of guilt. | |
Bullshit. | ||
You're free of your own fake guilt. | ||
Your own bullshit. | ||
But it's just being a fucking human. | ||
Being a human. | ||
You're using things we're consuming. | ||
Yeah, we should all consume less. | ||
Most certainly. | ||
But, like, even people who only eat vegetables and grains. | ||
Goddamn, large-scale grain operations destroy... | ||
Massive amounts of wildlife habitat, displaced animals, those grain combines are completely indiscriminate. | ||
They chew up rodents, and fucking deer fawns, and ground-nesting birds, and forget about insects. | ||
Don't even get me started on the bees! | ||
Bugs! | ||
Just bugs alone! | ||
Do we have a hierarchy of what we will and won't allow being killed? | ||
We have these ideas. | ||
Well, like, animals exhibit fear and emotions and react to our environment, so we shouldn't kill them. | ||
But bees are like an insect, like a mosquito. | ||
Well, that's a different thing because that's life, but it's not our kind of life. | ||
No, but there's no animals without bees. | ||
It's like bees are the source of everything. | ||
But like mosquitoes. | ||
Mosquitoes are a funny one. | ||
Mosquitoes just carry diseases. | ||
Or ants. | ||
Mosquitoes make sure the population stays low. | ||
But arguably, insects are probably one of the best sources of protein that we could ever get. | ||
Yeah, why is that stalled? | ||
I felt like there was an insect protein movement happening and it just sort of went away. | ||
Well, I think it's a perception issue. | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
Because I think a lot of people have the idea that eating grass... | ||
When I was in Mexico recently, they served crickets. | ||
Like the hotel we were at, they have these like, they look like they're stir-fried crickets. | ||
And they left them in our hotel room. | ||
It was like a snack. | ||
It was covered with saran wrap. | ||
Nobody ate it but me. | ||
Of course, I ate it. | ||
A fucking fear factor guy. | ||
It was a prank. | ||
I've seen more people eat. | ||
Yeah, you've seen all that shit. | ||
But they all ate them, like, regularly there. | ||
They were eating these, like... | ||
Well, because it's like, we'll eat snails, we'll eat frog legs. | ||
It's like, there is a very weird line. | ||
Very weird. | ||
And our line is different than, like, the Yulin Dog Festival line. | ||
Don't. | ||
unidentified
|
We can't. | |
Yeah, exactly, right? | ||
We can't talk about that. | ||
It's fascinating. | ||
But, yeah, but when I was in, yeah, in Vietnam, the stuff that there was, like, jellyfish and squid, it was a lot of, I guess, what's available in that region is probably... | ||
100%. | ||
But yeah, there was so much more, like the idea of eating a jellyfish, we're like, ugh. | ||
To them, they're just sucking jellyfish. | ||
I know. | ||
Well, bugs to me are really a fascinating thing because one of the things that we found out when we were doing Fear Factor is that allergies, like if you have an allergy to certain shellfish, you also have an allergy to roaches. | ||
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
Yeah. | ||
So we found that out at the hardware. | ||
Oops. | ||
Lawsuit. | ||
But bugs are an excellent source of protein, and people don't have the same emotional attachment to a bug. | ||
But we have a visceral negative repulsion to them. | ||
Right, but if it's ground up. | ||
The idea of eating something. | ||
But if it's ground up in some sort of a protein powder, like cricket protein is real. | ||
You ever have a cricket bar? | ||
Cricket protein bars are good. | ||
Oh, here we go. | ||
Look at this. | ||
Exo. | ||
Crickets. | ||
The future of protein. | ||
Soy, dairy, grain, and gluten-free. | ||
Paleo and environmentally friendly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You eat these. | ||
I'll eat the shit out of some crickets. | ||
Do they taste like anything? | ||
Crickets don't taste bad. | ||
It just tastes like soy protein or something? | ||
It's not like you're eating lobster, but it's not like you're eating shit. | ||
unidentified
|
You should do that. | |
Cricket bars. | ||
unidentified
|
It's not like you're eating lobster, but it's not like you're eating shit. | |
Because the ultimate debate, there's a lot of people that are really strict vegetarians and they're into eating vegan because they want... | ||
To leave the least amount of footprint possible. | ||
I totally understand all those. | ||
But I wonder how they feel about crickets. | ||
I wonder how they feel about bugs. | ||
I think it's just like a perception issue. | ||
Yes. | ||
Well, it is and it isn't. | ||
We perceive dogs to be cute and cuddly. | ||
We perceive crickets to be gross and dirty. | ||
Yes. | ||
Cows are gross and dirty. | ||
They're still alive. | ||
Would you be willing to eat a bug? | ||
If you're not willing to eat a deer, would you be willing to eat a bug? | ||
A live bug? | ||
No, dead bug. | ||
Dead bug. | ||
Maybe someone who's vegetarian and they do it for ethical reasons or they have a concern. | ||
Here's the thing about bugs. | ||
They don't have a lot of meat, so I feel like I'm eating just little skeleton. | ||
You are eating a lot of skeleton. | ||
I feel like I'm eating a skeleton and not like a meat that I can sort of disassociate from their head. | ||
It's far away from their head. | ||
But that skeleton, when you grind that shit up, it's actually pretty high in protein. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
No, it's bone. | ||
I mean, yeah, but there's something just kind of... | ||
Sorry to bring this back to the way we're designed. | ||
I think that we're designed to squirm at bugs. | ||
Because everyone squirms at bugs because I think they carry diseases. | ||
They poison more than diseases. | ||
So we've evolved to go to bugs, which has probably saved a lot of our lives. | ||
You know that we're not running around eating them since they're... | ||
Other than Lyme disease and malaria. | ||
Malaria is a giant one, of course. | ||
What else do mosquitoes carry? | ||
What other diseases do bugs have? | ||
Well, a lot of people are allergic to bees, wasps, stuff like that. | ||
There's spiders, black widow spiders. | ||
Sure, those are poisons. | ||
Oh yeah, sorry. | ||
But like diseases. | ||
Lyme disease is a big one. | ||
Malaria is the biggest. | ||
Malaria has killed a fuckload of people. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I have a buddy who's got malaria right now for the second time. | ||
What about like Zika and shit? | ||
Not Zika. | ||
What was the one before that? | ||
unidentified
|
Zika. | |
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Zika? | |
Z-I-K? How do you say it? | ||
Do you say Zika or Zika? | ||
Whatever it is. | ||
I watch, you know, I saw it on Fox News. | ||
I have a friend who wouldn't go to Mexico because of it. | ||
They were scared. | ||
What's the other one that was before that? | ||
Not anthrax. | ||
It was just happening. | ||
Ebola. | ||
What was that? | ||
That's from spit. | ||
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
I thought so. | ||
From monkeys. | ||
Somebody fucked a monkey, right? | ||
That's right. | ||
It's always monkeys. | ||
Oh, here's the diseases that come from bugs. | ||
Ooh, boy, there's a lot. | ||
Yeah, it's not... | ||
unidentified
|
Chagas. | |
Oh, yeah, of course, like foot and mouth disease, or what's... | ||
Look at this one. | ||
Chagas disease, and look at the vector. | ||
Various assassin bugs. | ||
unidentified
|
Fever, lung, heart, or mucus membrane symptoms. | |
What the fuck's an assassin bug? | ||
Have you ever heard of an assassin bug? | ||
And can I eat one? | ||
Well, look at this. | ||
Mild symptoms, then chronic heart or brain inflammation. | ||
What the fuck? | ||
It starts out mild. | ||
Assassin bug, relative of the ninja bug. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Plague, flea. | ||
It's subfamily of triatomine. | ||
unidentified
|
Ticks. | |
Oh, ticks are fucking assholes. | ||
Yeah, they're assholes. | ||
Ticks do not give a shit. | ||
Well, they're the biggest... | ||
Biggest argument for decreasing deer population. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And also reintroduction of predators in the summer areas. | ||
Some people are talking about bringing in coyotes and wolves into certain areas. | ||
Well, there was at Saved Yellowstone, the reintroduction of wolves, right? | ||
No, it didn't really. | ||
That's a very controversial subject. | ||
Well, it said it changed the shape of the river, right? | ||
Yeah, listen, that guy that said that, that guy who made those amazing videos, the wolves changed the course of videos. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
That guy, George Montebeault, I think his name is. | ||
I forget how to say his last name. | ||
He's fucking crazy. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yeah, well, in a good way. | ||
This is like when I found out that the Coney guy was like a pedophile. | ||
Oh, Coney 2012? | ||
That crazy guy that was jerking off the street? | ||
You're breaking my whole heart here. | ||
That guy, he was super depressed and was like suicidal, I guess, and was in his midlife and was like wondering what's the purpose of life and got fascinated by the concept of rewilding. | ||
So he got fascinated by this reintroduction of predators, keystone predators, into areas like Yellowstone, which they definitely have their purpose, and they're definitely important to the health of the environment. | ||
They kill the weaker of the thing. | ||
The problem with things like wolves is they can get overpopulated as well, and someone needs to manage them, and that's where things get weird. | ||
So wildlife biologists have established these guidelines. | ||
And who manage it? | ||
Wildlife biologists. | ||
unidentified
|
But for humans, though, who killed wolves? | |
Chaos. | ||
Chaos. | ||
Bugs, maybe. | ||
Well, first of all, there was a lot of different animals here. | ||
We're talking about, like, 10,000 years prior, there was all these different kinds of animals, like the short-faced bear. | ||
A short-nosed or short-faced bear. | ||
There was an enormous bear. | ||
There was a steppe lion that existed in America like a long time ago that was way bigger than the African lion. | ||
There was all these birds and fucking crazy predators, terror birds. | ||
So when you go back... | ||
Thousands and thousands of years, even millions. | ||
There's a bunch of different kinds of wolves. | ||
Some wolves, like the gray wolves, they left North America and migrated across the Bering Strait. | ||
Then the red wolves and some of the other wolves stayed. | ||
That's why those wolves, those are the ones that interbreed with coyotes. | ||
A coyote is actually a wolf. | ||
A coyote is a kind of wolf. | ||
A coyote is what's called, they used to call them prairie wolves. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
There's a guy named Dan Flores who has this amazing paper that he wrote called Bison Ecology and Bison Diplomacy. | ||
And really groundbreaking paper on bisons and livestock and wild animals, rather, that live in North America or lived in North America. | ||
But he wrote this new book on coyotes. | ||
Coyotes and just what the plains used to be like. | ||
This George guy, this Montabayat guy, however you say his name is, the Wolves Change River guys. | ||
He wants to reintroduce megafauna to Europe, like lions, because he's saying that at one point in time lions and hyenas used to live in Europe and that we could use these large segments of unused land and let these animals loose and reintroduce them to this area. | ||
He's out of his fucking mind. | ||
That sounds like a horrible idea. | ||
Well, it's engineering. | ||
So he doesn't want to just take an animal that was extirpated because of human intervention. | ||
Wolves were taken out of the... | ||
Wolves were poisoned. | ||
This is what they used to do. | ||
They used to take a carcass, they would shoot a buffalo, and while the animal was still barely alive, They would inject strychnine into its arteries. | ||
That way the poison would get through all of the meat. | ||
Then they would take a wolf that they shot and they would rub its scent all over this carcass so that the wolves knew that other wolves had been there so it was safe. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
And they knew it was dead. | ||
It was a dead carcass, so they would eat it. | ||
And they would kill them. | ||
And they almost extinguished wolves. | ||
Almost, like, came really close to extinguishing wolves in North America. | ||
They couldn't do that with a coyote, though. | ||
Coyotes are too fucking smart. | ||
They're too clever. | ||
They're so fucking clever. | ||
Well, it's because of wolves. | ||
It's because the gray wolves, when they returned to North America, they were killing coyotes. | ||
So the red wolves were interbreeding with coyotes, but the gray wolves were killing them. | ||
So the coyotes learned to adapt to the gray wolves. | ||
So they learned to move to the furthest areas. | ||
They also, when you hear coyotes yell, they're doing a roll call. | ||
They're trying to find who's there. | ||
And when they find out that someone's missing, it triggers the females to have larger litters. | ||
What? | ||
I want to send you this podcast. | ||
Fascinating. | ||
This podcast with Dan Flores. | ||
It's going to blow your fucking mind. | ||
I had coyotes burrowing in my yard. | ||
And I have dogs. | ||
Burrowing? | ||
They had dens. | ||
They made dens in the back of my yard. | ||
Because I have land and then I have this part up top that I don't really go up that much. | ||
And my dog used to just come back with fucking like... | ||
Half-bleed. | ||
I was like, what is going on up there? | ||
They got attacked by coyotes? | ||
I think what she did, I think that she's a... | ||
I have two now. | ||
One's even bigger, but one's a pit bull. | ||
I think what she did was she would chase one, and then it would go under the... | ||
Because you realize they're vampires. | ||
They can fly. | ||
I mean, they can clear... | ||
Do you realize to get a coyote fence in your yard, it has to go three feet into the ground and seven feet tall. | ||
They can jump six feet. | ||
I've seen it. | ||
Coyote stole my chicken, and I watched him jump over the fence with a chicken in his mouth. | ||
Do you realize that Coyote stole a baby in, I think, Arizona off of a porch? | ||
I mean, they're fucking barbarians. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And my two encounters, one time they were drinking out of my pool, and I came outside, and I literally opened the door, and they just looked at me like, what? | ||
Whoa. | ||
I had to chase them, okay? | ||
And I saw one jump over my fence. | ||
It was like, I mean, it's gotta be five, six feet tall. | ||
I mean, it's tall. | ||
They just go boing! | ||
And I literally, it's a cartoon fucking Wile E. Coyote. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then I was like, oh god, I gotta call animal control. | ||
I'm gonna have this fucking dead, broken coyote on the other side. | ||
And I go on the other side, it's just gone. | ||
It just flew off. | ||
And, oh, they were explaining to me, I was like, well, look, if there's a coyote, I'm going to hear them, you know, killing my dog, I'll be able to hear it. | ||
You know, I'll just leave the door. | ||
But he goes, oh, no, no, no, you don't understand. | ||
Coyotes work. | ||
Coyotes are so cunning. | ||
The way that they kill a larger animal is they befriend it first. | ||
So it'll play with your dog for 45 minutes and then the other five will descend around it. | ||
So it ingratiates. | ||
It knows I need to ingratiate myself with you first and then kill you. | ||
And they tire them out. | ||
So this happens a lot in Runyon Canyon. | ||
People's dogs, they'll just see them chasing a coyote and then the coyotes will just run and run and run until the dog is tired and then everyone will descend. | ||
And they're hungry and they're desperate and they do not give a fuck. | ||
A friend of mine up Doheny was walking his dog, like a small dog, and saw a coyote face to face and picked up his dog and had to flex on it to get it to run away. | ||
Started walking again back to his house. | ||
He's like 20 feet from his house. | ||
He turned around. | ||
The coyote had come back with four other coyotes. | ||
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
Like, they are just fearless. | ||
And they live amongst us. | ||
They're these creepy little fucking monsters that live amongst us. | ||
I mean, I have, like, compassion for them. | ||
If it's between my dog and a coyote, I'll, you know, kill a coyote with my, like, hands. | ||
But it's really sad when you're like, yeah, dude, I'm so sorry. | ||
This was your fucking house. | ||
But it's not. | ||
It's never been. | ||
Really? | ||
No one owns it. | ||
It's just constant domination. | ||
The rats didn't own it. | ||
They were killing rats. | ||
It's the rat's house. | ||
The coyotes are killing the rats. | ||
They're stealing the rat's house. | ||
Someone recently was trying to convince me that rats are really smart. | ||
Rats are pretty smart, but coyotes eat them. | ||
If we didn't have coyotes, we would have way more rats. | ||
We would have a huge rodent problem all throughout Los Angeles. | ||
I have rats in my pool all the time. | ||
There's a balance. | ||
There's a balance that has to be achieved, and that's why wolves are really important. | ||
The people that think that we should re-extripate wolves and wipe them out, definitely not. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If you look at some of the things that have happened... | ||
Do wolves kill coyotes? | ||
Yes. | ||
Gray wolves do. | ||
unidentified
|
Gray wolves. | |
Gray wolves don't interbreed with coyotes, but red wolves do. | ||
So gray wolves kill coyotes. | ||
So where they've reintroduced wolves, that's another interesting thing about Yellowstone. | ||
They reintroduced the wolves to Yellowstone. | ||
They dropped the coyote population down 50% because the gray wolves were killing the coyotes. | ||
But because when you kill coyotes and do the roll call thing, the females have larger litters. | ||
They rebounded and now are more coyotes in Yellowstone than were before they reintroduced the wolves. | ||
They're so fucking adaptive. | ||
They're amazing. | ||
Well, I mean, I also just love that dogs were wolves once. | ||
And coyotes. | ||
Coyotes can still breed with dogs just like wolves can. | ||
Yeah, it's just survival of the friendliest. | ||
They realize like, oh, and then so wolves evolved to be dogs and then realized to protect us they could survive. | ||
And now they protect us against wolves. | ||
Yeah. | ||
How the fuck did that ever happen, too? | ||
There was a Neil deGrasse Tyson did in his Cosmos. | ||
He did that thing about it that was kind of short. | ||
Sort of, but I mean, you're still like, God damn it. | ||
How did it become a poodle? | ||
How the fuck did the wolf become a poodle? | ||
Why does it have an afro? | ||
It was like a genetic mutation that we really latched onto. | ||
Well, I think it's also the cutest ones are the ones that survived. | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
Floppy ears. | ||
Yeah, cute, sweet, and the ugly ones are the ones that got weeded out. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the balance that this George Montabiot, I think that's how you say his name, like his take on Wolves' journey, like the people love that video because he's English and he's got a beautiful voice and it's a fascinating story and it's interesting. | ||
He speeds it up and puts... | ||
Well, there's a lot of truth to what he's saying. | ||
It's important to have keystone predators because they keep the populations of these game animals, like wild undulates, they keep them healthy because they control them. | ||
But when wolves get too populated, they get crazy and they do what they call surplus killing. | ||
They killed 19 elk recently in Wyoming and they didn't eat any of them. | ||
They just went on this butchering run and just killed. | ||
If they come over the top of a hill and they see a herd of elk, have you ever seen a herd of elk? | ||
They're amazing. | ||
Sometimes they're huge. | ||
Sometimes a herd of elk could be 100, 200 strong, and it's amazing. | ||
You'll come over a hill. | ||
I've only seen maybe 30 of them together, but it's quite a sight. | ||
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
You're like, wow. | ||
In Colorado, I saw 30 of them together. | ||
And we came over the top of this hill, and we were like, whoa, whoa. | ||
And there's this herd of wild, you know, 500 to 1,000 pound forest cows that are wandering. | ||
Look, there's a good... | ||
I saw a moose in Jackson Hole, and I was like... | ||
That's rare, because those are all bulls. | ||
Yeah, I was going to say, there's females around. | ||
You saw wolves? | ||
I saw moose. | ||
Oh, moose. | ||
And the guy that was... | ||
We were doing a little thing on the... | ||
It's called the Snake River? | ||
I don't know, Jackson Hole? | ||
He was explaining how moose kill bears. | ||
Or kick them. | ||
It's so fucked up. | ||
I think he said there was a video somewhere of it. | ||
I'm too terrified to look at it. | ||
That they wait because they obviously can't fight the thing. | ||
They wait till the bear is running up on them and they just wait, wait, wait at the last minute. | ||
Just basically knock their head off their bodies. | ||
15% of all wolves that die get killed by moose. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
Yeah, 15%. | ||
That's the mortality rate of wolves. | ||
That's fucking crazy. | ||
Yeah, moose don't give a fuck. | ||
They don't give a fuck. | ||
I also didn't realize how big and... | ||
I mean, they're just like tanks. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
And they're fast. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, they're huge. | ||
Yeah, you're just like, what is that? | ||
The first time I saw one, we were hunting them in BC and we saw this female and it was like that scene in Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum sees the dinosaur for the first time. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
We were like maybe like five or six hundred yards away from them and we opened up the window and looked outside and went, Fuck! | ||
They were huge. | ||
They were just wandering through this field. | ||
And they're living in a dark, dark place where we found one that had been killed, a calf that had been killed by wolves. | ||
And it had been killed hours earlier. | ||
It was fairly fresh. | ||
And it was a crazy scene. | ||
I put it up on Instagram. | ||
And it's such a strange scene because there's this carcass, but there's hair everywhere. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like everywhere, they just tear it apart. | ||
In movies, they never show the hair. | ||
See if you can find it, Jamie. | ||
It's like probably a year old. | ||
It's an old Instagram picture. | ||
But the picture was – when we got there because we saw these crows circling. | ||
It was all crows. | ||
And they were squawking. | ||
And we walked up on it. | ||
And we found this thing just devastated. | ||
But it's – So eerie to think that there's these wild roaming... | ||
Canadian wolves are just wild as fuck. | ||
They've never been extirpated. | ||
These are the same wolves that they brought into Yellowstone were actually Canadian wolves. | ||
The gray North American, United States gray wolves were actually smaller than the ones they brought from Canada. | ||
Because mammals, when mammals come from colder climates, they have larger bodies. | ||
That's why moose... | ||
From our fat... | ||
Again, this is a bear. | ||
unidentified
|
Gangster. | |
Gangster as fuck. | ||
There's barbed wire on the fence. | ||
This thing climbed at 12 foot high. | ||
They don't know how it did it. | ||
Climbed a 12 foot high fence. | ||
Can you imagine being that fucking koala bear? | ||
Oh, God. | ||
Just seeing that thing like, huh? | ||
I thought I was in the zoo. | ||
I thought I was fucking safe. | ||
That thing should be in the fucking zoo. | ||
Like, why is that thing out running around? | ||
unidentified
|
How did that get out? | |
Like, so it got out. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Fuck that. | ||
It didn't get out. | ||
It got in. | ||
I mean, it lives. | ||
It's an L.A. celebrity even before becoming a lead suspect in koala killing. | ||
unidentified
|
Just a month or so ago. | |
Someone told me it got poisoned. | ||
No, it's pretty recently. | ||
Just scroll back. | ||
You just missed it. | ||
Does it have a collar on? | ||
Yeah, March. | ||
Because they're tracking it, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh yeah, it's got a collar. | ||
Yeah, they are tracking it. | ||
His name is P22. Maybe this was a different one? | ||
You say you gave him a name like he's a fucking prisoner. | ||
How about give him a name? | ||
Can we call him Fred? | ||
Before I... Oh, God. | ||
unidentified
|
Don't show it to me. | |
They discovered one of their oldest koalas was missing. | ||
Oh, stop! | ||
You're sad that the mountain lion killed the koala bear? | ||
Koala bears, they're not even from the same fucking continent. | ||
Koala bears are a bunch of rapists, though. | ||
Yeah, but what a fucking... | ||
Can you imagine? | ||
This koala's never seen a fucking mountain lion in its life, probably. | ||
Oh, no, definitely not. | ||
And it's like, what the fuck? | ||
Well, you probably saw that one a few times. | ||
That was like some Game of Thrones shit. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
But before the fake poisoning of it, maybe I'm conflating it with something else. | ||
Well, there's probably other ones that have been eaten poison or something. | ||
There's a lot of them. | ||
Because they were saying, stop putting poison out on your lawn because fucking, you know... | ||
You're going to kill monsters? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're going to kill these awesome... | |
Broken murderers. | ||
Okay, so a friend of mine was hiking in Griffith Park, and her dog came back covered in innards, like deer innards. | ||
I mean, literally had entrails wrapped around its nose. | ||
And the mountain lion had killed deer, and the dog rolled around in it. | ||
Why does a dog roll around in a dead animal? | ||
They always do that. | ||
They'll find a dead squirrel and they'll roll. | ||
unidentified
|
My dogs would do that. | |
Is it to get the scent on it? | ||
I'm not really sure. | ||
Because it actually makes me think it would make another animal want to attack you if you smell like blood and deer innards. | ||
I think they know you're not dead. | ||
But I do know my dog... | ||
Look at him. | ||
I'm just going to pretend like I'm a dead body. | ||
It's awesome. | ||
unidentified
|
It's the same outline. | |
It got poisoned but it didn't die. | ||
Oh! | ||
Okay, so I'm not a total... | ||
A poster cat for California's rat poison problem. | ||
Well, you know, there's two options. | ||
You poison the rats or you invite more coyotes to live near your house. | ||
You know, they say when they eat dogs... | ||
It's a real catch-22. | ||
It's also in the Dan Flores podcast. | ||
He talks about how when they eat dogs, they're not really eating dogs because they want to eat them for like a meal as much as they want to eliminate predators. | ||
Like competing predators, especially cats, because most of what they eat, like coyotes eat a lot of bugs, they eat a lot of grasshoppers, they eat a lot of rats, they eat a lot of rodents, rabbits, but the cats compete with them, because cats are a Fucking murderers. | ||
I know, but they... | ||
I posted this shit about how many cats... | ||
Did you see that off my Instagram page? | ||
This article that I posted about how many fucking birds and mammals cats kill in the U.S. alone every year. | ||
Just cat, like... | ||
Just house cats? | ||
unidentified
|
Little cats? | |
House cats. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Billions. | ||
Billions. | ||
In the B. Look at this. | ||
Responsible for the deaths of 1.4 to 3.7 billion birds and 6.9 to 20.7 billion mammals every year in the United States. | ||
What kind of mammals? | ||
Squirrels? | ||
unidentified
|
Rodents. | |
Squirrels. | ||
Whatever. | ||
When I was a kid, I had this cat, and he killed a squirrel, and he was walking. | ||
We lived across the street from this park, and this cat killed this squirrel and had it in between his... | ||
He bit it on its neck and had its body underneath his body, so he's walking with it like this. | ||
Oh, like Weekend at Bernie's? | ||
Like dragging it. | ||
But he's holding on to it and like... | ||
Having to walk around the... | ||
Oh, Jesus. | ||
Yeah, we called it Kitty. | ||
Like, my cat was named Kitty. | ||
Like, that was his name. | ||
Like, I had a name for him. | ||
I named him like Conan the Barbarian in the comic books. | ||
Had like a lion that he has... | ||
Or he had a jaguar as a pet. | ||
I forget what his name was. | ||
I named it that. | ||
My parents were like, shut the fuck up. | ||
So no one in my house called it that but me. | ||
So his name was Kitty. | ||
But Kitty was like, I had a big black cat. | ||
Cats are sociopaths. | ||
He was a murderer. | ||
Did you ever see when Tippi Hedren came out? | ||
Because remember she raised lions and Melanie Griffin grew up with lions and shit in the house? | ||
Oh yeah, I heard about that. | ||
Google Tippi Hedren, lions. | ||
Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
And she recently came out and was like, that was a horrible idea. | ||
That was a mistake. | ||
unidentified
|
Duh. | |
That was super dangerous. | ||
Like, one of them, I think, cut... | ||
Melanie Griffin had to have surgery on it because one of them pawed her. | ||
Like, yeah, so she grew up with these things in her house. | ||
That's Melanie Griffin. | ||
Nope, that's Tippi Hedren, her mom. | ||
What kind of crazy bitch has a fucking pet lion? | ||
No, she had tons of them. | ||
Here, keep going and you'll see more and more. | ||
So how do they do that and not get killed? | ||
These motherfuckers... | ||
Well, you have to raise them from infancy. | ||
Look at their... | ||
I mean, they have... | ||
They're a tiger. | ||
Well, because they're part of a pack or like a pride, I guess it would be. | ||
But what if they just decide to play with you or just get mad at you and swap you? | ||
At any moment. | ||
Look. | ||
Look at him, pawing on the kid's head. | ||
They could, and they did, so they tried to make a movie out of it, and one of the cameramen got his face ripped off, and they were like, never mind. | ||
This is the anxiety just watching this. | ||
I know, because you know that they're sociopathic. | ||
Well, they're not sociopathic, they're just natural. | ||
Look, they have all of these reward mechanisms that are built into their DNA. They feel good when they chase after things and kill them. | ||
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
They need to hunt. | ||
That's part of the problem with zoos, is that these things, it's like extracting a guy's cum, you know, through a straw. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
You know, like, oh, I know you need to get rid of your cum, so we're going to take it through your straw, but you're still horny. | ||
Does that make sense? | ||
Yes, it's part of the hunting. | ||
I'm with you. | ||
I'm actually with you on that. | ||
This is crazy. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
It's fucking crazy. | ||
And she came out recently and was like, never mind. | ||
I really don't endorse doing that. | ||
How did she get rid of the lions when they got older? | ||
She still has them. | ||
You know what? | ||
I was trying to organize going to her, because she has a sanctuary. | ||
And she tries to raise money to save lions. | ||
I mean, because you know now, like in Africa, there's more animals in captivity than there are in the wild. | ||
Like, it's such a problem. | ||
Well, yes, but. | ||
But. | ||
That captivity, we're talking about high fence operations that are sometimes 100,000 plus acres. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Many, many, many square miles. | ||
So you look at the actual range that a lion would inhabit, and oftentimes it's much smaller than what we're calling captivity. | ||
So I don't say captivity as like a pejorative way. | ||
It's like they're not safe. | ||
Well, they're fenced in. | ||
See, one of the fucking crazy Catch-22s about Africa is that... | ||
Do you know Louis Theroux? | ||
Oh, yeah! | ||
I've listened to him on your show. | ||
Did you watch his documentary on African hunting? | ||
It's fucking crazy, but many of the animals that people hunt in Africa... | ||
We're very close to extinction just a few decades ago. | ||
When they put value on them and they set up these hunting camps, now they're in abundance. | ||
They're in higher populations than ever before, but they're in higher populations because people go over there to hunt them. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So they have these places where you go and it's kind of fucked up. | ||
Like there's a waterhole. | ||
You sit in front of a waterhole. | ||
They have a blind. | ||
You hide in the blind. | ||
Animal comes out and you shoot it. | ||
Is that hunting? | ||
It's all trapped in a... | ||
Well... | ||
I mean, it is and it isn't. | ||
Is it? | ||
I mean... | ||
It is and it isn't. | ||
It's certainly not like... | ||
That's target practice. | ||
It's more that than anything else. | ||
So is it better to go and get a steak from an animal that lived in captivity, or is it better to shoot an animal as it goes to get water? | ||
Well, it's not as good as going to the woods. | ||
Like, you go into the woods, you go shoot a wild elk, that elk might not even know what a fucking person is and hopefully doesn't even see you coming and you shoot it and kill it. | ||
That's like the ultimate goal is to instantaneously end this wild existence that if you didn't kill it, it would be killed by bears or wolves or something else. | ||
That's the idea. | ||
Or they freeze to death or they kill each other. | ||
There's a lot of killing each other. | ||
These antlers, they're not like for digging for fruit. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
They stab each other with those fucking things. | ||
That's why they have them. | ||
They're not for handing each other grapes. | ||
I mean, that's why they have them. | ||
You see this deer? | ||
That's why he has it. | ||
To kill other deer. | ||
So he can get all the pussy. | ||
That's literally what it's there for. | ||
It's a knife that grows out of your head. | ||
So it's not that. | ||
But what's crazy is... | ||
These animals were worth nothing and they were being slaughtered by poachers. | ||
And then you go, well, these poachers, man, that's fucked up. | ||
Yes, but... | ||
They're really fucking poor. | ||
They're really poor. | ||
So what do you do about that? | ||
Because you have these people that are living over there that they have to risk their lives to try to poach these animals for meat, for food, and then there's the fucking, the horrible trade, like rhino horns and things along those lines. | ||
But it's also, it's like, you can't just say, I mean, it's like, you know, saying to a drug addict, stop doing heroin. | ||
It's like, we have to replace it with something. | ||
Either narcotics are anonymous or another drug or something. | ||
It's like, you can't say stop poaching without, like, okay, there's no other way to fucking make money. | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
The poverty is insane. | ||
I have had friends that have gone over to Africa, and one of the things that they say is, like my friend Justin Wren, he goes to the Congo, he stays there for months at a time, and he's building wells over there. | ||
He's an amazing guy. | ||
He's the guy who just got malaria for the second time. | ||
It's like, you don't even understand what poverty is until you see how these people live, these poor people. | ||
So, I don't blame them for poaching. | ||
I mean, if it's between selling a rhino horn and feeding your child... | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
It's like, fuck, man. | ||
And they're not online looking at the statistics about animals. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
They're literally, it's just kill or be killed. | ||
They're barely making it. | ||
They're barely making it. | ||
I mean, I'm 100% against killing rhinos for their horns. | ||
Make no mistake about it. | ||
I think it's horrible and it's disgusting. | ||
But these people that we're calling poachers, you add that pejorative, you give them that label, and you take away what they really are. | ||
If they could sell drugs, they'd be doing that. | ||
They're poor people. | ||
They're desperate poor people. | ||
And they're not making that much money. | ||
The people who actually kill the rhino, they're not making much money. | ||
They're making a few hundred dollars or whatever the fuck they can get. | ||
They're selling it to someone else, and that other person is making a fuckload of money. | ||
And it's all gross. | ||
It's all gross and it's all scary. | ||
But the Louis Theroux documentary does the best job of highlighting how fucked it is over there. | ||
And it's one of the things that the guy who runs the camp says to him. | ||
Because Louis is like constantly pastoring him, badgering him. | ||
Why are you doing... | ||
He's like giving him all these questions. | ||
And finally the guy snaps. | ||
And he's like, Avrica is fucked. | ||
You don't understand. | ||
Avrica is fucked. | ||
unidentified
|
He goes, if these fucking animals are not worth something, they'd be gone. | |
Do you understand this? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
And it's like this really crazy... | ||
Moment where you realize the problem is not as simple as why do people want to go over there and hunt? | ||
The problem is this breakdown of what we call civilization in this area where you have people that are impossibly poor and they're surrounded by animals and the only value around them is those animals. | ||
It's so crazy. | ||
It's so crazy. | ||
So fucking crazy. | ||
So it's either you're involved in the tourism business that has people coming to look at these animals or you just have to fucking kill them for what they have. | ||
Right, and by the way, the tourism industry is not as fucking profitable as the honey industry. | ||
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
It's just not. | ||
Because if you want to go over there and kill a lion, it costs you $50,000. | ||
And what's really fucked up is these lions now in Zimbabwe where that Cecil the lion was killed, they're killing 200 of them. | ||
They're just going to poach them, not poach them, just going to assassinate them. | ||
Because they have too many. | ||
And now the lions are destroying all the undulate population. | ||
They had a balance that they had created through hunting. | ||
So are lions down there like coyotes or like here? | ||
Well, they're fucking lions. | ||
I mean, look, they're amazing. | ||
Lions are incredible. | ||
I saw that thing you posted of the lion. | ||
Look at my fucking phone. | ||
Fucking jumping off that thing. | ||
But look at this. | ||
This is my phone. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I got a fucking lion on my phone. | ||
You have to go to Tippi Hedren's. | ||
I'm fascinated by them. | ||
I don't think anybody should shoot lions. | ||
I don't want to shoot a lion. | ||
I don't think it's cool. | ||
But they're a car with teeth. | ||
They're terrifying. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
There was a beautiful article that was written by this woman who lived in Zimbabwe right after the Cecil the Lion thing. | ||
And it said, in Zimbabwe, we don't cry for lions. | ||
And it was explaining how they terrorized her village, how they killed her loved ones, and how people were, when they would go out into the bush, there would be a very real concern that they would be killed by a lion. | ||
And it's not that the lion is bad. | ||
It's just that that's what lions fucking do. | ||
That's what they fucking do. | ||
And you can't have too many of them. | ||
You can't. | ||
You can't have too many of them. | ||
And the only way to control their population is human beings. | ||
And so... | ||
Well, and it's also, yes, and that thing back to, like, we are not the top of the food chain. | ||
We're just not. | ||
We're not. | ||
Very simple. | ||
But we are. | ||
But we are. | ||
With a weapon, we are. | ||
With a caveat. | ||
Yeah, with a huge caveat. | ||
With it, you have to be able to, first of all, know how to shoot a fight. | ||
Like me and that machete or fucking samurai sword, I'm not the top of the food chain. | ||
I don't know how to fucking use most of the weapons out there. | ||
If you had a drunk person who couldn't walk that good, you'd fuck them up with that. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
It's all depending on what's the level of the threat. | ||
If a lion, since I have no ability to even understand how anxious it would make me to be in a room with a lion, a lion is probably faster than me picking up a gun and shooting it. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I'm dead by the time I pick it up. | ||
Well, you would have to, first of all, not just know how to shoot a gun. | ||
You would have to have experience shooting a gun under pressure to manage your anxiety. | ||
And to shoot it. | ||
I went to a shooting range and I was like, kink! | ||
Like, I could not even... | ||
unidentified
|
How does that go? | |
I was like, kink! | ||
Like, it was ridiculous. | ||
That's the best sound effect. | ||
unidentified
|
Kink! | |
I was so bad. | ||
I was like shooting guns is really hard. | ||
You have to be strong and you have to focus. | ||
It's a skill. | ||
You have to learn how to do it. | ||
Totally. | ||
So it's like most of us don't have that skill. | ||
But even that skill, you're shooting at a piece of paper that's not going to move and it's not going to attack you. | ||
This is a thing that wants to kill me. | ||
Exactly. | ||
And that knows how to get around my gun. | ||
But I'm going to go to an intermediate place. | ||
Go from the piece of paper that's not going to attack you and try to shoot a wild pig that you're going to eat. | ||
It's nerve-wracking. | ||
It's like there's what they call trigger panic or target panic where they're about to shoot and they can't keep their gun steady. | ||
It's even more difficult with bow and arrow. | ||
You can't. | ||
Keep it steady. | ||
It's insane. | ||
You just want to get it over with. | ||
You just want to shoot it. | ||
What was that noise? | ||
The two of us together. | ||
unidentified
|
We're going to start to eat my lions. | |
But there's this panic where you just want to get it over with. | ||
You're so overwhelmed. | ||
You can't breathe. | ||
And you just want to pull the trigger. | ||
And most people miss. | ||
Like the vast majority of people that bow hunt miss or rifle hunt miss. | ||
It's a matter of controlling anxiety. | ||
And I'm sure that exists in combat. | ||
In the Navy SEALs, one of their training is, you know, they put a bag over their head and take it off and disorient them so that they can quickly focus their eyes. | ||
Because when something's moving around, it's just like, it's a muscle to be able to... | ||
Well, just dealing with adversity, dealing with anxiety, dealing with the moment is here now. | ||
You've been training, you've been preparing, ready, go! | ||
Pressure's on. | ||
You see that with fighting all the time. | ||
There's guys that look amazing in the gym and they get to a fight and they can't perform. | ||
Well, you can't really simulate that experience, right? | ||
There's no way in practice to really simulate it. | ||
Even in practice when you go live, like you have simulated fights. | ||
Is that why Mayweather would have an audience and shoot his practices? | ||
And talk a lot of shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Talking shit puts a lot of pressure on you too. | ||
That's a big thing. | ||
Wow. | ||
Like guys do that. | ||
Bowhunters do that. | ||
They talk shit to each other while they practice. | ||
It's a big thing. | ||
Like they'll have competitions and during the competition, they're talking shit to each other. | ||
And the idea of it is you're just trying to disorient a guy and it helps them like guys welcome it because it actually helps them concentrate on blocking everything out because the moment when you're actually having to shoot an animal. | ||
So, Oh, yeah. | ||
Your heart is fucking pounding. | ||
You can't get any air in. | ||
You freak out. | ||
So it's nothing like that for someone to talk shit, but at least it's better than you being calm. | ||
But it's helping give you anxiety, and poker players do that. | ||
Oh, do they? | ||
Yeah, they fuck with each other and try to throw each other off. | ||
I guess it's probably not the same thing, but it's more to distract them and get in their heads. | ||
Pool players, they call it sharking. | ||
That's what a real... | ||
A shark is not like, you know, people think, oh, he's a pool shark. | ||
That's not what it means in the world of pool players. | ||
Someone who's really good at pool, you would say someone who hides it, they're a hustler. | ||
Someone who doesn't hide it, they're a player. | ||
But what a shark is, is actually a dishonorable thing. | ||
A shark is someone who fucks with you while you're shooting. | ||
Tries to get you to miss. | ||
Like, they might do things on purpose, like drop their cue as you're shooting. | ||
Or they might... | ||
They might make a noise, try to distract you. | ||
That's what's called sharking. | ||
Just to try to psych them out. | ||
Is that legal? | ||
I don't even know. | ||
You can't control someone's vibes. | ||
You can have rules where you agree or not agree, but some people just do it. | ||
Comics try to do that sometimes, I feel like. | ||
Right before you go on, they're like, weird crowd. | ||
Well, you're talking about Dove Davidoff and Marc Maron. | ||
Well, yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ. | ||
That's it. | ||
Or that, or the worst is when they're like, great crowd. | ||
So if you go on and do well, it's not because you were good, it's just the crowd was good. | ||
Well, sometimes it's a good warning, though. | ||
Like, Delia came offstage at the Improv the other night, and he was getting offstage, and I was walking in the room, and he came up, he gave me a hug, and he goes, dude, worst fucking crowd ever. | ||
I'm like, really? | ||
And I was like, maybe for you, bitch. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
And I went up there, and they were fucking terrible! | ||
That's so weird! | ||
When crowds are weird, it's such a testament to our groupthink. | ||
For a whole crowd to unify as shitty, it's just... | ||
Well, it was really warm in the room, first of all, which is always bad. | ||
Hot, yeah, never good. | ||
Yeah, it's like something about hot that makes me like, ugh. | ||
What night of the week was it? | ||
Wednesday night. | ||
Wednesday night's weird too because it's late. | ||
You've got to go to work. | ||
It's that comedy show. | ||
I went on at midnight. | ||
No! | ||
No! | ||
I won't go on past 10 o'clock. | ||
I will not go on past 10 o'clock. | ||
It's good for you though. | ||
I can't. | ||
I cannot do it. | ||
No. | ||
I know. | ||
It's just I know what this is. | ||
Everyone's tired. | ||
They want to go home. | ||
They're looking at their check. | ||
I'm just like, ugh. | ||
They're good. | ||
I think those experiences are good in the beginning. | ||
I know, but I did that for eight years. | ||
Yeah, I agree with you. | ||
Like bar shows. | ||
Yeah, like I paid the... | ||
I mean, no, I used to do stand-up at Lucky Strike on Highland, and I'd have to time my jokes knowing a bowling ball was about to hit some pins. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'd be like, and anyway, so then he called me, and then I never called him back. | ||
Like, you had to time your jokes. | ||
I did a road gig once at a restaurant in Massachusetts where the intercom that the restaurant used to call people's tables was the same system as the microphone that I used on stage. | ||
So I'd be in the middle of talking about something. | ||
Johnson, party of two, your table's ready. | ||
Fucking great. | ||
It was the only time they ever did comedy there. | ||
I was the only one. | ||
It was like a one-person show, too. | ||
I just went up there and was like, this is neat. | ||
There used to be... | ||
Do you remember Miyagi's on Sunset? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
Oh, yeah. | ||
You literally do... | ||
It's a sushi restaurant. | ||
It's not there anymore. | ||
You would do... | ||
There was like a stage... | ||
It's like a pink taco now, is that what it is? | ||
Exactly. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And there was a stage and then there was a bridge with like a creek. | ||
Yes. | ||
There was literally a fucking fountain between you and a bridge and like a koi garden, like a little Chinese garden, and then a bunch of people and then they always had MTV jams on television. | ||
There were televisions on every wall and people were just watching MTV jams and then you were just yelling. | ||
I remember one time Duncan Trussell got on there and we couldn't even, we didn't even know people could hear us and I was like, I don't think anyone could even, like, did we, are we bombing or can they just hear us? | ||
And then Duncan also got on stage and started basically yelling the most offensive things imaginable, and nobody responded, and we realized, like, oh, they just can't hear us. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so ridiculous. | |
Like, he was just, like, yelling. | ||
He was, like, just, like, yelling, and everyone just kept eating their sushi. | ||
What's crazy is Miyagi's is across the street from what used to be Dublin's, which was, like, an amazing room. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, which was the spot. | |
I wasn't, I didn't ever... | ||
That was an amazing room. | ||
I remember that was, like, the... | ||
Hashtag Dane Cook. | ||
Yeah, I missed my thing already. | ||
I have to get my hair back to brown. | ||
Why? | ||
Because it's... | ||
For your sex scene? | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Is that what it is? | ||
I don't want to distract anyone. | ||
I don't want to become a sex symbol. | ||
I don't need that stress. | ||
You don't need that pressure? | ||
No, I have to go back to Brunette. | ||
Why? | ||
Just because I'm working on something and they just don't want it to look blonde, I guess. | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck them! | |
Yeah, I know. | ||
Fuck them. | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
But this is... | ||
I'm not a blonde. | ||
That's not my brand. | ||
Why did you do it in the first place? | ||
Brand. | ||
I did it... | ||
This is going to sound weirdly narcissistic. | ||
I... And for some reason went through a little spurt where I was getting recognized a lot. | ||
And I was touring. | ||
And I was like, let me just dye my hair and see what happens. | ||
And nobody had any idea who I was. | ||
As soon as you went blonde. | ||
As soon as I went blonde. | ||
That's interesting. | ||
I was just completely invisible. | ||
So you have a love-hate relationship with being recognized. | ||
I don't not like it. | ||
It was literally more like... | ||
Let's see. | ||
What? | ||
Like a lit-see thing? | ||
Yeah, it was like a... | ||
It doesn't annoy me. | ||
It doesn't bother me. | ||
I'm super grateful. | ||
I see people that come up to me in airports as like my boss. | ||
Like, they're the ones that... | ||
Don't say that. | ||
The fucking guy who sent you the email is going to show up again. | ||
unidentified
|
I know, fuck. | |
That's right. | ||
That dynamic. | ||
The guy waiting outside the window. | ||
Probably he's going to hear about this. | ||
The people who I'm sure... | ||
No, I think he's... | ||
unidentified
|
She remembers me! | |
He's an Amy Schumer fan. | ||
Ah! | ||
For sure. | ||
He's done. | ||
He thinks I sold out years ago when I did a sitcom. | ||
Oh, you did. | ||
Sold out. | ||
I was just stressing out. | ||
It was causing me anxiety because I never feel like I'm able to give people what they need. | ||
I was like, I don't know, I'm going to airports. | ||
I was dating somebody and I was getting recognized when we were on dates. | ||
It would just make things weird. | ||
I was like, why don't I just try this? | ||
I'm not working on it. | ||
Let me just change it up. | ||
That's it. | ||
And nobody fucking recognizes me. | ||
And then I'm like, hey, excuse me. | ||
I don't know if you know me. | ||
Like, I'm totally having this other reaction. | ||
unidentified
|
I have HBO specials. | |
I know. | ||
I'm like, hi, guys. | ||
I don't know if you do have HBO Go. | ||
I just... | ||
So then it was interesting what happened when nobody recognized me and then I felt invisible. | ||
And I was like, oh, this doesn't feel good either. | ||
You know, it makes you realize when you get accustomed to stuff. | ||
And I was like, God, how much attention do I fucking need? | ||
It's so embarrassing. | ||
And on that note... | ||
On that note... | ||
Glunk. | ||
unidentified
|
Glunk. | |
I'm gonna go cry in my lithium battery car. | ||
This was a lot of fun. | ||
You're the best. | ||
No, you're the best. | ||
I always have the best time with you. | ||
Always a great time. | ||
We just did three hours. | ||
I'm always so flattered when you want me to have me around you. | ||
Anytime, my friend. | ||
It's always a good time. | ||
You're the best. | ||
Alright, fuckers. | ||
We'll be back tomorrow with UFC bantamweight champion Misha Tate. | ||
unidentified
|
Gleek. | |
Holla. |