Steve-O’s chaotic past—from a 1995 ketamine arrest in Sweden to a $50,000 lawsuit in Louisiana after a stunt gone wrong—fuels his upcoming Showtime special, Steve-O Guilty as Charged, debuting November 21st at Austin’s Paramount Theater, where he’ll blend stand-up with self-inflicted injuries like fire stunts. His veganism and sobriety (seven years no cigarettes, weed quit in 2008) stem from guilt over past animal cruelty and reckless behavior toward women, now addressed through therapy. The duo debates Cosby’s stolen material controversy, linking it to power dynamics and delayed accusations, while Rogan teases Steve-O’s secret comedy show and their overlapping Thanksgiving tour dates. [Automatically generated summary]
No, it was when we were in SeaWorld, I mean, San Diego, and you were doing the sign one, and it was when you were climbing up the sign, and you kept on falling.
I swallowed it in Norway and got in an airplane to Sweden, so that way I'm crossing international lines, you know, to qualify as an international drug smuggler.
Then when I got to Sweden, you know, I was promoting my tour.
Every interview, they'd say, like, oh, yeah, how you doing?
And I said, oh, man, I think I might die of intestinal strangulation because I swallowed...
This big package of drugs and it won't come out, you know?
Because it took days.
It didn't come out for like six and a half days.
So every reporter wrote their article or whatever it was, and the cops read the newspaper.
And so then they arrested me after I shit it out.
And they took me to the jail, and they brought me from the jail to the hospital, put me in this CAT scan machine, which revealed, they said, a foreign object in my body.
I still don't know what that was.
And they kept me in a cell for five days, shitting into plastic bags.
They're fucking digging through my shit, you know?
Yeah.
And then after five days in there, they brought me back to the hospital for another scan.
And it showed that the foreign object had only moved like three centimeters in my body.
Because, okay, now, when they brought me to the station initially, like, they put my backpack on the table, and they reached into it, and, like, the first pocket they reached into, the first thing they pulled out, was a fucking ecstasy pill.
Like, with a fucking...
Like, it had a print, like, an imprint of a smiley face on it, you know?
Well, what happened was, I was doing my old show, and part of it was I was chugging out of a tequila bottle throughout the whole thing, and I had the tequila bottle at the edge of the stage, and some kid climbed on the stage and grabbed the bottle, and I see these bouncers come over and just neutralize it, and I'm like, damn, these guys are good.
These fucking bouncers are pro.
So I said, who wants to get on this stage and try to run from one side of the stage to the other past the bouncers?
It's British Bulldog.
We'll play British Bulldog and these guys are going to fuck you up.
So this one kid who was this bony, little skinny, little 19-year-old kid was jumping up and down, pointing at himself.
He wanted it so bad.
And I had to pick him.
So I picked this kid, and he ran...
He just ran.
I'm videoing it myself.
I said, one, two, three, go.
The kid runs halfway across the stage and they just grabbed him.
It was totally anticlimactic.
And these three college football player bouncers, they just lifted him up in unison over their heads and just spiked the kid on his head on the stage.
And he was twitching.
I don't think the police report said he was bleeding out of an ear or something.
And I'm covered in blood, too, because part of the other part of the show, I would break a light bulb over my head and pick up a piece of broken glass and literally slash my tongue.
Because the tongue bleeds so much and it heals really fast, so I just bleed all over myself and smear blood everywhere.
And so I'm covered in blood, and I've got my dick and balls just blatantly out, and I'm holding the industrial staple gun, getting ready to staple my ball sack to my leg.
And I say, this is not art.
This is just to be offensive.
Staple my balls to my leg.
And so, being that it was Louisiana in one of these parishes, they deemed that Felony obscenity.
Which was a saving grace, man, because the story on that one was like Steve-O got arrested for stapling his balls to his leg, you know?
The thing with the kid didn't really play that much in the media, you know?
See, the problem is, you give people a green light like that.
You've seen some shit the bouncers have done to people.
When people climb onto that stage, there's a green light.
I mean, it's sort of like the cop thing.
Did you see that recent video of the cop grabbing the schoolgirl?
She's in her desk, she won't get out of her desk, and he just fucking ragdolls her and slams her in the desk on the ground.
It's when cops have the green light, when they can do whatever they want to do, then you're leaving it up to the discretion of this guy that's probably not thinking that straight, a little stressed out.
Orlando was like proper, like proper jail, like process.
And it was pretty mellow because like...
In Orlando, they said, as you get process, you get orientation, they kind of break down what it's going to be like.
They give you a Tupperware tub of your belongings, where you've got your blanket, a soap.
They won't let you have a razor, but a toothbrush.
And they're like, this is your belongings.
You're going to have it at the foot of your bed.
You're going to keep it like this.
And don't piss us off.
Don't do anything wrong.
Because if you hear, pack up your belongings, then what that means is, then you're going to pack all your shit into your tub and you're going into the fucking dungeon.
What that means is that if you're in the dungeon down there, you're just not on camera down there.
Anything can happen to you.
That was sort of the incentive to be on your best behavior.
And I like to think, maybe it's such a coincidence, but I like to think that I got people started talking about it, you know, thinking about it, and then they were like, you know what, fuck those people.
They're super slutty because they can't recognize lines of paternity, so they don't necessarily know whether or not the baby's theirs.
So if they go up to a chick and she's got babies and they have never had sex with her, the female dolphins won't have sex until their baby has reached maturity, until their baby can swim away.
It's like a few years, I believe.
So when the males come up to females and they have babies and they haven't had sex with the female, they'll sometimes kill the babies so that she'll have sex with them again.
It was on New Year's Eve in 2003. I want to say it was 2003 turning into 2004. Did this big show and some fucking asshole got on stage and snuck up and sucker punched me while I was on stage.
He fucking punched me.
And so, of course, everybody grabs him and starts beating the shit out of him.
And I'm on the microphone saying, fucking kick his ass!
It started out as an assault on me, but by the time, I was like, nah, kick his ass!
And they're beating him just all bloody.
And Preston Lacey, the big guy on Jackass, had his microphone.
He was just grating the dude's forehead off with him.
So it was kind of bloody from that.
And then they carried him away and I hauled off and kicked the guy.
They live right next door to us, so they've got to be real careful about fugitives sneaking across the border.
So they're super strict about any weirdness.
Eddie Bravo, a long time ago, got pulled over, not even arrested, for having a legal...
He used to work for a check cashing company.
So he used to take these bags of cash around with them, and he had a concealed weapons permit.
And so he gets pulled over by the cops, and he tells the cops, officer, I work for a check cashing company, I have a large sum of cash, and I also have a concealed weapon, and here's my permits here, my paperwork.
And so they take him out of the car, they handcuff him, check his paperwork, they go, everything seems in order, you're free to go, and they let him go.
So every time he goes to Canada, they bring up that.
Australia is maybe even harder to get into than Canada.
And I'm not Australian, so when I go to Australia, I have to, with my visa application, I have to submit My entire criminal record, like, my whole history.
And it's, like, so long.
It's hilarious.
Like, you know, I mean, there's even a bunch of stuff I didn't even mention.
Like, you know, like, being arrested all over the states and stuff.
Last year, a year and a half ago or something, I did a whole Australia tour, and I was putting it all together, and I made a YouTube video actually going through my whole official thing with all the paperwork, my criminal past or whatever.
And at the same time, too, the Australian tour promoter wanted me to have a name for my tour.
Like, oh, we'd like to have a name for the tour.
And so I'm going through my whole arrest history.
And so I told him, yeah, man, it's Steve-O Guilty as Charged.
It's the name of my tour.
And so that's been the name of my tour for like a year and a half.
If anybody wants to know the name of it, that's what it is every time.
And why I'm so excited to be here today is because in less than three weeks in Austin, Texas, I'm taping...
My first comedy special for Showtime.
And it's, of course, called Steve-O Guilty as Charged.
Well, yeah, because one of my big bits is I'll pull the crowd about ladies clap if you've ever received a dick pic from someone you know.
It's one of my...
Best crowd work bids.
After I get done with all the back and forth, it's just really fucking funny to pull what kind of dick pics did you get from guys that you weren't hooking up with.
Now clap if you got a dick pic from a guy that you were not hooking up with at all.
Less, but still tons of chicks clapping.
Okay, now I want you to clap really loud if you went on to have sex with that guy.
Just crickets, you know?
I'm like, so it doesn't work, you know?
And then I tell them, like, you know, and I just saw this thing recently, and so I just started doing it.
Like, let's say, you know, I saw this funny thing online about dick pics, and it was so funny, I stole it.
You know, it was one of these memes where a girl is saying, receiving a dick pic from a guy is just like her cat bringing her a dead mouse.
And so then I just say, really quick, because I don't like to fucking, I don't even, I'm not even comfortable doing this, but I'm like, I'll tell you two jokes, one you've heard of, one you haven't, but I stole them both.
I want people to come to Austin so much because normally I do comedy clubs.
I sell the lines, share my tickets once I get there.
I don't do a lot of advanced ticket sales.
I show up and I get on the radio and people are like, oh, he's here.
And then I do great.
I do really well.
But in this case, and it's November 21st, this month, at the Paramount Theater in Austin, I don't have the luxury of waiting to get there to fucking sell tickets because it's a fucking Showtime comedy special.
But yeah, so in any case, I'll be smashing the cans.
I do like the, you know, I've got like a couple bits like with the crowd work and then the fucking, you know, by the time, I'll even tell you the jokes.
But then, like, you know, after that, then it's like, okay, now I'm going to really get into it.
And so it's sort of like a start off...
You know, addressing, like, how people have asked me for so long, like, how did I get into it?
How did the jackass shit start?
And, you know, I give, like, a super condensed, like, super hilarious, like, sort of fucking Genesis story of, like, you know, starting with, like, me in high school and getting copped and dealing drugs and, you know, like, and, you know, like, going to...
I know and like that's the thing it's like you know people were like when I was leaving the University of Miami It's like well, what are you gonna do now?
And I'm like I'm gonna fucking videotape fucked up shit.
I'm gonna I'm gonna be what year was this?
93. So you had this idea in 93. Oh, yeah I was and even then I was like man like I had like special fucking skills, you know like I had I could like I was really fucking good at drinking bong water I didn't care how murky it was or whatever.
I used to do it in comedy clubs all the time, but I kept getting so hurt.
I just fucking stopped.
Because what I do is...
I'm gonna do like kind of a deluxe version for this one like I'm gonna start with like a can of hairspray I'm gonna like spray my like all the hair on my head like heavily with the hairspray I'm gonna climb on top of a table on the stage and And douse my arm with rubbing alcohol, fill my mouth with lamp oil.
Well, like a drop, like from when I pour it, like on the table there will be a puddle, and so like a drop will stay on fire probably, and then the table will be on fire.
My arm's on fire and then like so I'm gonna use my arm as a torch when I do a front flip standing on top of the table and simultaneously as I do the front flip blow a fireball like off of my arm like which is a huge lamp oil goes crazy so like the lamp oil and as I'm flipping like the front flip my head like everything just goes right through the fire so when I crash on the table on my back now my head's on fire and so then I get up and like kind of like Like
flail around the stage with my head on fire and my buddy comes running out with a mouthful of lamp oil and he comes running out to me and he uses my head as a torch and just you know blows a fucking huge fireball off of my head and and then Like we'll figure out how to put me out, you know, then we'll figure it out.
Right, right I mean maybe he'll have like a towel or something because I've gotten like a towel.
It's like all the times you've hit yourself in the head with sodas, you've knocked out this pre-planning segment of your brain that's just shorted out like a bad fuse.
But it just seems like if you were fucked up on drugs and you made this career of like getting hammered and going out and doing wild crazy stunts that got you injured and then you cut out the getting fucked up part.
I threw myself off of a balcony at the University of Miami.
After I dropped out, and then I came back and just lived there, even though I wasn't allowed to.
And there was a keg party, and I was trying to impress this fat chick, and I was on the balcony, but I had taken too many pills and drank too much booze.
And I'm telling this girl, this was in, I think it was January of 1995. And I'm telling this girl, I said, I'm gonna be like a fucking super rad stuntman.
And we're on this second floor balcony and I tell her like, Okay, I'm gonna be this fucking gnarly stuntman.
Picture this.
Imagine there's a fight on the balcony, and I get punched, and I'm pretending I get punched, and I just throw myself off the balcony.
Now, I used to throw myself off the balconies all the time, but not when I was that fucked up and not when I was trying to pretend that I had been punched.
So my whole game plan, the way I would do it, I did it different.
I didn't catch the bottom.
with my hand and then let myself go I just spun over the railing and so I spun over the railing and landed on my fucking face on the bottom and I broke I have the CAT scans they're so gnarly like I broke my my cheekbone I broke seven teeth.
I had 10 stitches in my chin, a concussion, and a broken wrist.
And I was landing there, and I was fucking face down.
From where I needed the 10 stitches, I had a pool of blood growing.
I was face down in it.
I'm not even fucking twitching a finger at all.
There's just blood pooling, and I'm not moving, and everyone's like...
Thinks I'm probably dead.
But my buddies were like, they're like, man, if he's not dead, he's gonna need that weed in his pockets.
I remember I had like kind weed, you know, like fucking proper good weed in one pocket and like swag weed in the other.
And they, you know, pulled it out.
And in the morning, I knew my mom was like, I don't even remember landing.
Like, I don't remember anything, you know, and they called the ambulance, whatever, and it came.
And then in the morning, I woke up and I was so fucked up.
It was unbelievable.
But I knew my mom was on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
But I told them, I said, oh, I need to call my mom.
And they said, of course.
But what I did was I called my buddies down at the University of Miami.
I said, hey, I'm going to fucking leave out the fucking emergency room entrance right now.
Come scoop me up.
And so I broke out of the hospital in my gown.
And they came and picked me up.
And I went back to the spot.
And I stood right over the pool of blood.
And I tried to pound a beer, but I couldn't because it hurt too bad.
I couldn't eat or anything, and my sinuses would fill with blood, and then I would hawk it, you know, like you hawk a loogie, and then spit it out, and it was just blood loogies for like two weeks.
I tried to eat applesauce, and I couldn't even fucking eat applesauce because I was so busted up, and so a bowl of applesauce sat next to my bed just with blood loogies in it.
I just used it as a spitter.
I broke my wrist too.
So I had the cast on my wrist for like whatever you have it on for six weeks.
And my mom like sort of felt bad for me because my I broke seven teeth, and so all my front teeth are all busted out.
And she knew I was a fuck-up.
Which teeth?
It was one of my front ones, and then there was one that didn't break, and then the one on the other side of that one did break, so it looked extra bad.
You know, and the first thing I had to do was go and get naked and take a fucking shower in the back of this big cell with all these bunk beds and all these fucking creepy assholes.
And I'm like, this sucks, man.
I called my mom and I was like, Mom, you know, I'm in jail.
And she's like...
She's like, what?
She says, I'm not bailing you out unless you go door-to-door straight to rehab.
And I'm like, okay!
So I went to rehab in 1995. And I remember these fucking guys.
One of the counselors says, yeah, 95% of all alcoholics die drunk of alcohol.
Causes related directly to alcoholism, you know like most people like they don't get sober, you know like and I'm sitting there thinking man This guy's telling me like if I'd like really wanted to get sober I got a five percent chance.
I'm like fuck that, you know So I stayed loaded like I just resigned myself to being loaded forever and it wasn't until like 13 years later I've finally got it.
Well, I had this, like, fucking mass email thing, and I was, like, broadcasting my downward spiral in, like, fucking real time to, like, you know, 200 of the most, like, You know, influential fucking people in the entertainment industry who had the misfortune of giving me their info, you know?
And it was just, like, more fucked up.
And it just kept getting worse and worse.
And I got arrested for, like, felony cocaine possession.
My neighbor in this apartment building I lived in was always calling the cops because I deserved it.
He was a lawyer, and I'm like an asshole, and I'm always making all this noise, so the cops were always coming.
But typically they would get to my apartment and they'd be stoked.
They'd be like, oh, no way, Steve-O, cool, man, have a good night.
And so they would take off, you know, or I would play nice, but this guy's just fucking, his life was misery because of me.
But the thing was that because I was such a fucking loaded asshole with all my fucking drugs and fucking being wasted, I just became particularly mad at him for always calling the cops on me.
I'd, like, fucking take, like, a baseball bat and, like, pound his door or whatever, like, fuck you, call the cops, you know?
And I was, like, pounding on the wall that separated our apartments, like, all the time.
Just like, how do you like that, fucker, you know?
How do you like that?
And I pounded on the wall so hard that I fucking actually pounded a hole through the wall where I'm looking into his apartment.
You know and see his apartment I punched Yeah, I was looking Well, I mean Well, the thing was that I pounded enough and then I took a broomstick and fucking Just pounded and pounded and pounded until I got through you know and So now he calls the the cops and they actually have to arrest me for For whatever, for fucking vandalism.
It was a misdemeanor, but I've now vandalized his property by pounding through the wall.
So they come to arrest me, and this time it doesn't matter if they're stoked or whatever.
And I'm so blown out on fucking ketamine, and I don't know what's going on, and I got a fucking bag of cocaine in my pocket.
And I open up the door.
I'm shirtless.
I have no shoes on.
And a bag of cocaine in my pocket, and I'm out of my mind, and they're like, hey, we're taking you to jail because we have to arrest you for vandalism.
And it's going to be cold, and so as a courtesy, you can go in there and put on a shirt and put on some shoes.
Meanwhile, that would have been the perfect opportunity for me to go in, take the bag of cocaine out of my pocket, And I put on, you know, like it was a perfect opportunity, but I'm like, fuck that!
So they take me to jail with no shirt, no shoes, and a fucking, and I get reared.
They go through a property, you know, when they process you into jail.
And so they pull out a bag of cocaine and they re-arrest me at the jail.
So I'm in there for like three days or something and it's on the news and the apartment building's fucking over me even though I rented four apartments in the building.
But did you have out-of-body experiences or any experiences where you felt like you went into another dimension and trips, you know, the K-hole experience?
And this squad of security guards comes over and, like, what's going on?
I mean, it's amazing that I didn't go right back into jail for another...
I have pockets full of drugs, you know?
And that bender lasted for, I don't know, maybe 24 hours.
And now I've got...
My three days is...
I've got one more day.
I've got to be out of the apartment.
So I send the mass email list.
I say, with all the jackass guys on it, but of course, 200 high-power people in Hollywood need to know this.
Hey, Knoxville and guys, I've got to be out of my apartment tomorrow.
And I'm not fucking leaving my apartment.
I don't want to fucking leave here until I jump out of my bedroom window.
You know, it should be like a 25-foot drop onto the sidewalk.
And I need you guys to bring something for me to land on, preferably a hot tub.
I wanted to put a hot tub and cannonball into it out of my bedroom window.
And in my sliding glass door in the living room, I could pull it open and I wanted to put a ramp in the living room and ride a motorcycle off the ramp through the sliding glass door and jump onto the roof of the gym.
Yeah, I mean, but whatever, like they said something else word like people are like that not people one guy I remember one guy like shit on the fucking ground and was like breakdancing in it like trying to like I mean, it sounds like I'm making it up.
I swear I'm not, dude.
His goal was to, like, smear it around and spread it around as much as he could.
Dude, I mean, it looked like he was breakdancing, but he was, like, he took his shit and he was trying to smear it around as much as he could, and so it just looked like he was breakdancing.
I was so belligerent that they changed my status from 5150 to 5250, which meant 5150 is three days, 5250 is two weeks.
So they had me for two weeks.
And after four days, then they moved me over to the regular psych ward.
And I was in there, and...
This guy who says he's a heroin addict, and he's a patient, and he's got this book about alcoholism.
And he's like, dude, this book can really help you.
You need this book.
And I'm like, why is a fucking heroin addict giving me a book about alcoholism when we're both on suicide watch in a psych ward?
What's the deal?
And I was like, at the point, I'm like, dude, I can't.
I can't get sober.
I couldn't.
I honestly felt like, not even felt like, I mean, just core belief.
If I could have ever gotten sober, I was past that point.
I was too far down the line.
I was a write-off, a lost cause.
From the fucking first time I was in rehab, there's no chance.
One night, I couldn't sleep.
I just opened this fucking stupid book.
Not to find a solution, but straight up to kill time.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I'm reading it, and it's talking about...
You know, like, hopeless alcoholics determined to die, and this and that, and then, like, they become, like, you know, they get better or whatever, you know, they become, like, the finest men you could meet.
And I'm like, just remember reading and thinking, like, dude, what it's saying is, like, that the more hopeless, the more fucked up you are, the better the chance is for recovery, which is actually great.
Because if you have, like, any inkling that, like, you can manage it, that you could get better, that you could stop on your own, then you're just straight up not a candidate.
And then these guys come in and talk about alcoholism, and I wouldn't have fucking ever listened to a word they said, but I was locked up in a psych ward, and so I did.
And I'm like, you know, thinking there's nothing I could do about it, but they told their stories and how they lived and I'm like, oh, well these guys can do it, you know?
And so I was just like, my life is a fucking mess.
I was in the psych ward long enough to be like, okay, my life's a fucking mess.
I mean, sure, but I went from there, door to door, into a rehab.
And I remember, because I knew from back in the day, the whole 95% of alcoholics don't get sober, the guy who was in charge of the rehab, and back then it was Dr. Drew.
He was the chemical dependency director of this hospital in Pasadena.
And anything else I had going on, I had a TV show which really did well in the ratings, but I was such a fucking nightmare that they canceled it just on the grounds that they did not want to fuck with me.
I mean, like, different kind of groups, like, uh, they take you out to various kinds of meetings, you know, like, um, You got, like, fucking little therapy bits, like, you know, whatever.
It's basically like summer camp.
It's just everything is geared towards teaching you how to stay sober.
30 days isn't going to do shit for anybody because it's such a slow process.
It was great for me to stay in that environment for two years because then I'm an undisciplined motherfucker.
By the end of it, I was so used to being up by 9am with my bed made, pissing into fucking plastic cups at random twice a week.
Scrubbing the toilet when it's my turn to scrub the toilet.
Keeping everything...
And I did that when I'm filming Jackass 3D. I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta go fucking get launched into the fucking sky in a port-a-potty full of dog shit.
But, like, there's just not, like, you know, like, relationships gone sideways is, like, the number one fucking thing that makes people get loaded, you know?
And it says in some of the literature, man, it says that the inventory process will bring about self-loathing for a lot of people when we take an honest look at the fucking pieces of shit that we became.
When I'm helping guys get sober, I try and tell them, look, man, this isn't a process of putting you on trial, man.
This is just fucking figuring out what to stop doing.
And that's the best thing I can say about it.
But when I was in that second psych ward, like...
I wrote some letters to people who have felt the most fucked up about what I'd done.
And it actually kind of turned around where I was like, today I'm fucking so thankful for the shit that I did that I felt that bad about because no longer is it like, oh, I don't deserve to live because I did that.
For me today, I'm desperate to not be that asshole anymore.
When I first went in, I thought, man, this is going to be my new thing.
I'm going to get sober.
The world's going to owe me.
I'm going to revive my career a little bit.
But once I got through that point of The fucking, you know, the dust settling and me being able to, me being confronted with what I had turned into, then it wasn't even about what can I get out of it, you know?
It was just about, I don't want to be that fucking guy anymore.
And so I came out of that second rehab, or that second psych ward, and I was so desperate to not be that fucking piece of shit anymore.
And I was like, dude, I'm starting over.
And I went into the fucking, like, I went into another rehab, like the fucking, like the hardcore, you know?
And so when you have a sponsor, they call you up in the middle of the night, hey, I'm thinking about doing heroin, like that kind of thing, talk them down.
Yeah, it was like, they want 1994, like whatever, January of 94. And they wanted to pass this drug through the FDA called ractopamine hydrochloride.
And the goal of that...
They didn't know much about it except they knew they would make the cattle...
More lean.
It would increase the muscle mass, decrease the fat, but it would work the opposite way of steroids somehow.
It was so that they could appeal to a more health conscious market.
They could sell leaner meat, less fat.
But the thing is that if it's going to become legal, then by the virtue of the fact that when people eat the meat, They're going to get a minute trace of this drug in the meat.
Now they have to not only test the drug on people, but they have to test how much can the people withstand of that drug.
Oh my god!
This is fucking terrifying!
They knew that it was going to increase our heart rates.
And so the target for this study was to give it to us until...
Somebody in the study had their resting heart rate, laying down resting 150 beats a minute.
And it turned out that I had the fucking most badass heart in the study.
The only time I went over 100 was when the guy monitoring my heart with the ultrasound thing, you know, they show the baby on the screen.
He was telling me stories about killing people in Vietnam or some shit.
Yeah, that was in Austin, Texas at this place called Pharmaco LSR. You know, I told you I got in the van with that guy, and we drove out to Northern California to Lake Tahoe to try and get jobs washing dishes at Squaw Valley to get free snowboard passes.
But it wasn't snowing so then we went to fucking Colorado and I got a job like cleaning a meat room at a supermarket and that sucked so I got one with this other dude and drove to Austin, Texas and slept on a roof until we got into the medical study and then we left with two grand.
And we were stoked.
And then I wound up getting a car and following the Grateful Dead and selling drugs.
Jesus Christ.
And I was homeless for like three years.
And periodically I'd get my hands on cameras and do really fucked up shit.
I was getting video footage.
But ultimately, I just fucking was really bummed, dude.
After three years, I couldn't take anymore.
And I reached out to my sister.
And she let me move in with her in Albuquerque.
And I was like...
I would eat all her food, and I wouldn't fucking work, and I had no money, and if I did have money, I was loaded, and I was loud.
So when my sister found out about Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Billy Clown College, she's like, dude, this could be the way to get my brother the fuck out of my house.
She told me about it.
I got home, and she's like, how are you getting to Denver by Monday?
And I hitchhiked from Albuquerque to Denver, and I got there in two rides, and just fucking went apeshit.
I told you, the history is super condensed, so that it's funny.
When I say about how I graduated from Ringling Brothers and Barnum& Bailey Clown College, I wasn't one of the clowns who got a fucking contract with the circus.
So I had to borrow money to get a fucking Greyhound bus back to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I hung my fancy clown costume in the fucking closet.
And sold shitty weed.
And the bags of fucking weed I sold did not weigh anywhere near what they were supposed to weigh.
But my life fucking sucked really bad.
But after I got done ripping you off, at least I would show you a fucking epic, unbelievable, cool trick.
Like this one.
And then on that point, we'll fucking bring the table out and I'm going to fucking show you the most incredible bar trick ever.
It's better, too, if you take them yourself because that way when the flash goes off, you turn the camera around and you can show the people their pictures so they can see it for quality control.
At the end of every show, I say, okay, now I'm going to, like, before I do my last fucking amazing stunt, I'm going to do...
I want to thank you guys for coming out and giving me a shot at stand-up.
When I walk off the stage, I'm not going anywhere until I take a photo with every single one of you guys.
And here's how you get them.
You go to my fucking website, and I explain it real easy, and I say it.
And one last thing, if you want to get out of here a little quicker, the good news is I'm a New York Times bestselling author, and I've got my fucking book, and I've got my fucking hats, my shirts.
And if you guys want to get any of this shit, Then that puts you to the front of the line.
I'm still going to take a picture with every single fucking person.
It's just that I'm going to take a picture with the people who buy merch first, you know?
And so, like, a lot of people would be like, oh, well, fuck, man, like, I don't want to, you know, and I tell them, like, if you don't want to get anything, that's great, but please just, like, hang out, like, have a drink, whatever, like, just fucking stick around and get that picture so I can thank you in person.
And a lot of people will think, like, man, like, you know, I want to get a picture, you know, I don't really want to buy anything, but, like, fuck, I'll just buy something to get the fuck out of here.
So, like, you end up selling, like, way more merch, you know?
And nobody feels like you're a dick, you know?
You still stick around and take a photo with every one of the fuckers.
But in any case, I'm so excited, man, that you have like as much of a reach as you do, man, because I really, we gotta fucking get this Paramount Theater in Austin fucking packed, man.
That show is gonna be like, that's my showtime special.
Well, you're going to leave here, and your phone is going to be buzzing off the hook with your manager going, Did you say you were going to light the Paramount on fire?
I just, like, honestly, man, I was like, fuck, dude.
Like, I believe that you're married, right?
And it's like, I really believe that, like, to be, like, happy, you know, like, it's important to fucking have a life partner and not run around trying to fuck everybody and screwing them over, you know?
That's the deal.
How can I give so much of a fuck about animals that I won't fucking eat an animal, but I have no respect for women at all?
It doesn't add up.
So on my fucking path, and once I got into the meditation, I've been doing transcendental meditation for two and a half years now, and once I got into that, it was just glaring like a fucking flashing red light.
Stop fucking screwing over chicks, you know, and fucking using them up and throwing them away.
And just like, you know, like, and whatever, if I'm on the road, like, fucking hooking up with all the chicks, it's just like, it just became clear, like, that's pretty much like a path to being fucking miserable.
So, like, you know, I've made myself, like, a promise.
I'm like, okay, from now on, I want to fucking learn how to be in a healthy relationship because I feel like that's how I'm going to be happy, and so I'm going to fucking, from here on out, I'm not going to I'm not gonna fuck random chicks.
I'm not gonna stop trying to get my dick sucked everywhere.
Which is hilarious, because my whole story arc is pretty epic to go from where I was at to where I'm at now.
You know, at the end, I think at the end of the show I'm gonna have to fucking break out my old lightbulb trick and fucking slash my shit and bleed everywhere.
No, let's not do that.
Just because, like, to fucking, to try to fucking, like, by the end of my fucking show, it's like, okay, so now I'm like a fucking vegan and, you know, like, trying not to get my dick sucked, you know, like, clean and sober, like, fucking healthy eater, you know, meditating.
And also, they've talked to me about getting an operation when they take out your adenoids and your tonsils and It's pretty intense, and it sucks for like a week, but then after it's over you have a larger hole, and that larger hole's better for sleeping, but this mouthpiece serves me well.
My friend Matt Serra, who's a former UFC welterweight champion when I first met him, He had this gym in Long Island, and he used to sleep in the basement of his gym.
He used to teach and then go downstairs and sleep.
And he had this jug right next to the bed, because fighters would drink gallons of water in a day.
They'd drink water all the time and flush their system out, and he would just whip his dick out, stick it in the hole.
He'd go with his accent, he goes, I didn't even get out of bed!
I would turn sideways, put my dick in the hole, piss.
For folks who don't know what we're talking about, Greg has decided to start stealing Bill Cosby's material and doing it openly.
So he does these classic Bill Cosby bits, and then he lets everybody know in the middle of it that he's stealing Bill Cosby's bits to take away from him what is most precious.
But it doesn't really work because if someone tries to steal some shit off of like Shiny Happy Jihad or something like that, it's already on CD. I did it in fucking 2006. If you're stealing, you're not taking anything away from me.
You're just selling yourself short by stealing.
So if Greg does Bill Cosby's material, you don't ever take it away from him.
It's already recorded.
He doesn't even do that material anymore, so I don't think it's...
unidentified
It seems like you're taking something negative and being negative about it.
Bill Cosby would be super psyched on that because it's like, wow, I'm getting credit for being funny, and it's distracting people from me being a racist.
It's like, wow, there's actually something good about Bill Cosby.
Maybe if I had him on and Greg, I'll have him on soon.
And he's going to be on soon, I guess.
We're talking about doing something within the next couple weeks.
So maybe he'll explain it better.
I just, I don't know.
I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it, you know?
There's some lady that was on, who was a legal expert, who was discussing it.
And she said he might be the most prolific serial rapist in history.
Which is fucking insane.
It's insane to look at it that way, that this guy, Mr. Huxtable, you know, the fucking guy from the TV show, the guy who had the squeaky clean comedy, the guy who did the bit about, you know, the football players saying, hi, mom, to his son on TV. This guy was like wholesome Mr. America in a sweater.
This is all, you know, kind of, like, wishy-washy, like, yeah, I kind of felt weird that night, but no one really went right to the police, though, did they?
Well, listen, man, if you're a girl, okay, look at it this way.
You're some young girl who's trying to make it in show business, and you get brought into his office because he knows your parents or something like that.
that was a lot of the situation like he there was one of one situation was there was like a modeling company and he would contact the modeling company to get people on his show like you're looking to cast roles that didn't even exist and you have them in his only guy drug him and his own casting Yeah, I mean, he would bring them into his office and drug him.
It seems like if that were to happen, though, like, four hours later, this girl's going, like, I just went there for an interview, had a cappuccino, and he fucked me.
If a girl like that, if that happened today, a girl could go on her Facebook page and say, today I went on an audition with Bill Cosby and he drugged me and raped me.
And like, whoa!
Bam!
That takes off and it goes viral.
But back then, man, if you go to the fucking police, they might not say shit.
Or they might go to Cosby and Cosby might sue you.
But you've got to realize some women did.
And in 2005, he actually paid off women.
And that's why this all got more serious lately.
It's because they released the transcripts.
And the transcripts said that he admitted that he had drugged these girls.
He admitted it.
So, this did go to cops, and it didn't go out to the public.
So, it's like, it's not kind of weird.
It's just the amount of power and money this guy...
I mean, Bill Cosby's like a billionaire.
I mean, the amount of money that guy has is insane.
And the amount of power that kind of money has...
Where you're talking about just teams of lawyers that just try to figure out any sort of attack that they could do to try to mitigate any of the issues that are going on with people accusing him of all this crazy, you know, rape shit.
One of the weirdest things that he said, he did this one interview, and he said, in all my years of show business, I've never seen anything like this.
Yeah, well that's called free speech.
This is what's going on now.
Everyone can talk now.
Now people can get online and talk about crimes that you committed.
You can't hide behind lawyers anymore.
You can't threaten them.
When you're a girl, you're barely paying your bills.
You're barely getting by.
And he offers you $20,000 or $100,000 to shut the fuck up.
And you have to sign some written agreement that says you never speak about this again.
You take that money.
That's what they do.
And that's what they did in 2005. And I don't know how much they got paid, but it's probably even more than that.
Probably a million.
I mean, when you're worth what that guy's made in his career, who knows what he's got left, but...
A hundred thousand here, a hundred thousand there for a guy like that is nothing.
He could silence a lot of shit by just keeping people quiet with money, you know?
And that's probably what happened when things came up.
I mean, I don't know.
And then there's also people with fear of being blackballed.
You know, being blackballed from show business when you're a struggling actress and you're barely getting by, the difference between Bill Cosby talking badly about you and accusing you of being a liar.
Like, who's gonna listen to you and who's gonna listen to him?
They gotta think that most people are gonna listen to Bill Cosby, and that could wreck your career before it ever gets started.
Just sink your ship.
And it seems like a lot of these girls that he preyed on were trying to make it in show business.
That was a big part of what he would attack.
He would go after these girls that were trying to become actresses, and he was like a mentor figure.
It's going to be interesting, though, because supposedly there's some Ferguson police that are involved in this, and the whole list officially gets released, I think, next week or this week.
Well, they could just put your name on it, man, if somebody wanted to fuck with you.
Steve-O's in the KKK. What?
Yeah.
You've kind of morphed.
It's really fascinating.
I mean, seeing you go from being this wild, crazy, ketamine-snorting psychopath, jumping off roofs and shit and damaging your body to being this vegan who's trying to live a kind life and trying to be nice to people and you don't want to...
Randomly hook up with girls because you want to have a meaningful relationship and you're taking care of animals and fuck SeaWorld.