Sept. 9, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:53:10
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Actually, I'm a double date tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh, and we're live! | ||
| If you're looking for something to do in Hollywood, tonight at the Comedy Store, Brian Redman. | ||
| Ooh, he's right here. | ||
| He has a big show tonight. | ||
| Big show! | ||
| Big show! | ||
| At the Comedy Store. | ||
| Jim Florentine. | ||
| Fucking hilarious. | ||
| Dom Irera. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Ben Glebe. | ||
| Steve. | ||
| I don't know how to pronounce his last name, but he's hilarious. | ||
| AG. He's fucking hilarious, but I always ruin his last name. | ||
| Dean Del Rey, fresh off of a fucking motorcycle accident, The Kid Can't Be Stopped, Brian Moses, Jesus fucking Christ, what a lineup! | ||
| Brian Redband, Mike Lawrence, Tony fucking Hinchcliffe, Mark Saratella, and Secret Guest, two of them which I know which are national headliners and very hilarious guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, I can't say if it's a guy or a girl. | ||
| One of them is fucking famous as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But apparently this bitch is too big to have her name put on the... | ||
| I say bitch with all due respect. | ||
| In reference to Dom Herrera. | ||
| With all due respect. | ||
| It's tonight at 8.30 at the Comedy Store Main Room. | ||
| Tickets are only 10 bucks on sale right now. | ||
| Yeah, they're on Brian's Twitter. | ||
| They're on my Twitter. | ||
| And if you go to thecomedystore.com, you can buy the tickets. | ||
| Fucking Sebastian! | ||
| Speaking of Comedy Store over here, this guy! | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Nice to be here. | ||
| You and I have been friends for a long fucking time, my friend. | ||
| Long time. | ||
| I remember when you first started. | ||
| 1998. You were very, very prevalent at the Comedy Store when I first came there. | ||
| You were there every night, and then you left, and now you're back. | ||
| Yeah, I'm back. | ||
| I love it back, man. | ||
| I'm having a great time. | ||
| I think this is the golden age of that place. | ||
| It's fucking amazing now, right? | ||
| Well, compared to some of the times that we shared there, when 2000, 2001, I was a young... | ||
| Fledgling comedian and wearing snakeskin see-through shirts. | ||
| You definitely had a very interesting style. | ||
| Like a Long Island club style. | ||
| I was trying to bring the nightclub scene to the stage. | ||
| That's what I guess it was. | ||
| I tried that once. | ||
| I mean, didn't you ever go through like, I gotta have an outfit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was your outfit? | ||
| My first time on stage, this is how retarded I am, not just my first time, my first three or four times, I tried to dress like a comedian from that movie Punchline, you know, like I would wear like the sneakers with a denim, like a jacket, like a blazer, but with the sleeves rolled up and maybe a wacky t-shirt, or I had a wacky pin, like a pin with a smiley face and a bullet hole in his head or something. | ||
| Oh, so embarrassing. | ||
| And I stop and think about what a fucking tool I was, you know, but At least that's in the normal kind of... | ||
| I was wearing Melrose Avenue snakeskin see-through where you could see my nippets. | ||
| You were, too. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| This isn't bullshit. | ||
| You would wear some of the wackiest shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was awful. | ||
| I was just trying to find my footing. | ||
| I was just trying to be different. | ||
| Yeah, I had to go through that stage, I guess. | ||
| Was that all your idea, or did you have a manager that... | ||
| No, this is all me. | ||
| I came up with these marketing schemes. | ||
| When I first came out to Los Angeles, I'm coming from Chicago, and I come from a family where my father's a hairdresser, my mother's a secretary. | ||
| Nobody's in the entertainment business. | ||
| So I'm like, how am I going to crack into this? | ||
| So what I did was I went and I took some modeling shots off the expressway and some weeds. | ||
| This is professional shots. | ||
| In weeds? | ||
| Yeah, I did the... | ||
| I don't know if you ever did the Barbizon modeling thing where you heard it on the radio. | ||
| If you think you got it, come down and... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did that on the down low. | |
| So I went in, I took my photos, I brought them home. | ||
| My mother's like, the photo's beautiful. | ||
| You gotta send this out. | ||
| This is, Hollywood's gonna love this. | ||
| So, what I did was, I shrank it down into like a four by six, and at the time they had Photoshop on the back. | ||
| You could, you could, there was like a bunch of people watching a movie screen. | ||
| So, in the movie screen you could type text. | ||
| So, I typed in, coming this summer, Sebastian. | ||
| Like it was a movie. | ||
| I didn't put any phone number. | ||
| I figured I'm just gonna wet their beak with the photo. | ||
| This is how sick I was. | ||
| So I'm thinking the casting directors are gonna get it and go, oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then look, he didn't leave a number! | |
| So when I got to LA, I sent out another batch and it said, now playing in Los Angeles with the phone number. | ||
| Not one phone call. | ||
| None? | ||
| Zero? | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was my entree. | ||
| I would have felt like there was at least one dude trying to fuck you. | ||
| If I was a sleazy casting director and I was of the gay inclination, I'd think you're my fucking kind of guy. | ||
| Yeah, no, nothing. | ||
| I'm perfect. | ||
| I didn't even get a gay bike. | ||
| See-through sex gay bike. | ||
| See-through snakeskin shirt. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| This is my guy. | ||
| I've been waiting for him to come up. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| I went on stage one weekend. | ||
| One of the worst times I ever bombed in my life. | ||
| There was a bunch of factors that led to this bombing. | ||
| But one of them that I was dressed up like I was going out to a club. | ||
| And this was like the first time I'd ever done it. | ||
| Like I had Cavaricis. | ||
| Remember Cavaricis? | ||
| They were like tight at the top and they kind of ballooned out a little bit in the legs. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| I had like a nice shirt, button up, looked good. | ||
| I had hair back then. | ||
| And I was on stage and just fucking eating plates of shit. | ||
| And then I remember being so uncomfortable with the way I was dressing and bombing. | ||
| I went on after Brewer. | ||
| It was one of the pivotal moments of my young career. | ||
| I'd only been doing comedy like I gotta say like three years, maybe. | ||
| And I was headlining. | ||
| Really shouldn't have been headlining. | ||
| Really didn't have the time. | ||
| It's just bullshit. | ||
| I bullshitted my way into position. | ||
| And I kind of pulled it off until Saturday night, late night show. | ||
| Saturday night, late night show. | ||
| Brewer went up and lit the fucking place on fire. | ||
| I mean, he crushed like I'd never seen any... | ||
| Comic crush before up until that moment. | ||
| It was just like, Jesus! | ||
| I was terrified backstage. | ||
| Fucking terrified. | ||
| Just didn't know how to follow anybody back then. | ||
| Didn't know how to laugh at it and just ride the wave and have fun. | ||
| Just, it went up there and ate plates of shit. | ||
| But part of it was definitely, I was super uncomfortable with the way I was dressed. | ||
| I was like, what am I doing? | ||
| But were you wearing that off... | ||
| Were you a Cavaricci guy? | ||
| Or did you just figure... | ||
| If I was trying to get laid, I guess I probably would've... | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. | ||
| I was so lost. | ||
| I would wear whatever worked, you know? | ||
| When you're trying to get laid and you're a young guy, you fucking wear whatever they like. | ||
| The clothing is entirely dictated by the success. | ||
| Like, women's appeal, like what women find appealing, that's what we wear. | ||
| Whatever the fuck they- There's a reason why the fanny pack. | ||
| This is why people can't wear fanny packs. | ||
| My beloved fanny pack right here. | ||
| See, I'm married. | ||
| I could pull that shit off. | ||
| If you're not trying to get laid, you can wear that fucking thing. | ||
| Or if you don't give a fuck if you get divorced, you can wear that thing. | ||
| But if you're a guy, if you're a young guy hoping to impress a gal, and you walk around with a fucking bag bolted to your waist, you gotta wear what they want you to wear. | ||
| It's all dictated by women. | ||
| Fashion, if it was just men on the planet, there would be no fucking designer shoes. | ||
| There would be nothing. | ||
| There would be nothing. | ||
| We'd all be wearing skins. | ||
| We'd all be wearing animal skins or whatever the fuck is comfortable. | ||
| Cotton shit, shorts. | ||
| Nobody would give a fuck. | ||
| If there was no women, if it was just removed from the equation, if no longer, if there was no, like, not only were there no women, like, we didn't need to reproduce. | ||
| People live forever and every guy that's here is gonna be here forever. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| These are the people. | ||
| Done. | ||
| It would be, the fashion industry would tank. | ||
| It would go crashing down to the ground so quick. | ||
| But does your wife have any say on what you wear? | ||
| Like, Joe, you want to put, like, a button-up on? | ||
| If we go out, she will ask me to wear something nice. | ||
| If we go out. | ||
| Like, if we're going out to a nice dinner somewhere, we'll do, like, a date night, go to a nice little restaurant. | ||
| We've been lately going to these Michelin-rated restaurants. | ||
| You ever do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Oh, it's a Michelin-rated one! | ||
| Oh, it's a five-star one! | ||
| And you go to these places. | ||
| You ever go to those? | ||
| They still have Michelin-rated restaurants. | ||
| It is worth going because it's all those crazy foodie people. | ||
| Like, have you ever met a real foodie, like a legit foodie? | ||
| You know, like, they'll tell you, like, where the spots are. | ||
| We have some friends that are like, so, like, Brian Callan knows all the spots. | ||
| Callan and his wife are, like, legit foodies. | ||
| Callan is like, he's a legit foodie and a legit wine connoisseur. | ||
| Like, he really knows. | ||
| I just remember shit. | ||
| I, like, try to pick stuff that's expensive. | ||
| Like, that's a hundred bucks. | ||
| It's gotta be good. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It can't be terrible. | ||
| But Callan knows where it's from, what part of France. | ||
| He'll tell you how the grapes are fucking different than the other grapes. | ||
| But these restaurants, then we go to one of those. | ||
| She'll ask me, I have to wear shoes. | ||
| I have crocodile shoes. | ||
| Crocodile skin shoes. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I do. | ||
| So those come out on the Michelin nights? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I wore them the other night. | ||
| Double date with Callan and his wife. | ||
| I have my fucking gators on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Looking slick, dude. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Is there something that you wear that your wife hates every time you wear? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those barbell jeans, those jeans that I have, they're elastic. | ||
| They're fucking totally rubber jeans. | ||
| They're fucking elastic. | ||
| They look like jeans, right? | ||
| But when you pull them, they're like this. | ||
| They're like this cloth. | ||
| They look exactly like jeans. | ||
| I wear them on stage all the time, but they don't bind you at all. | ||
| The company sent them to me. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of companies. | ||
| Diesel makes them now. | ||
| A lot of companies. | ||
| But they don't make them with as much elastic as barbell, though. | ||
| Barbells are the shit. | ||
| Those are like fucking... | ||
| There's no resistance. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Like your legs can... | ||
| You can do full splits in them. | ||
| No problem at all. | ||
| You can kick somebody in the head wearing those. | ||
| You wouldn't have any resistance. | ||
| Does she not like them because they're not realistic looking? | ||
| They're ridiculous. | ||
| Like, girls don't like... | ||
| They don't like... | ||
| Anybody finding out you're wearing rubber stretch jeans? | ||
| Rubber jeans? | ||
| You can't... | ||
| Find out your fucking husband is wearing them, they'll mock him. | ||
| Oh, so is your husband still wearing those jeans? | ||
| Is he wearing yoga pants too? | ||
| Do you guys go out and he wears yoga pants? | ||
| They're like yoga pants in jean form. | ||
| They're not that tight, but... | ||
| I have another pair that she fucking hates. | ||
| I think she hides them. | ||
| Because I can't find them. | ||
| They have a drawstring. | ||
| They tie at the top. | ||
| And she's like, those are fat people pairs. | ||
| And I go, first of all, you're fat-shaming, okay? | ||
| Second of all, if you are not overweight, I'm not an overweight person, so if I'm wearing these, what do you give a fuck if I'm wearing fat people jeans? | ||
| You know? | ||
| But to her, the fact that they have a string that you tie at the top is embarrassing. | ||
| Yeah, no strings. | ||
| Women do not like any strings. | ||
| But they wear them! | ||
| If you get a button, then it works. | ||
| And you tie in your clothes, forget it. | ||
| Yeah, but why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I got a few drawstrings in the closet. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Drawstring jeans? | ||
| Listen, Gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not up to the rubber jeans. | |
| That's a whole other deal. | ||
| All the companies are making them now. | ||
| I see them on the street. | ||
| There's a big billboard the other day for this other car. | ||
| I think Lee makes a pair of them. | ||
| Diesel makes them now. | ||
| Well, then I got to look into it. | ||
| Look into it? | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Go down Melrose. | ||
| Next time you're on one of those mad shopping sprees, you got all your bags over your shoulder. | ||
| That Melrose Street is a strange environment. | ||
| Well, in 1998, I used to live on that street. | ||
| I used to go to all those stores. | ||
| And then they all kind of closed. | ||
| So now it's going through kind of a weird resurgence. | ||
| So they don't really have those leopard nipple shirts that I used to wear. | ||
| What is it like now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Every time I go by, it's like a new store that's opened up, a new coffee shop. | ||
| A lot of skateboarding shirt stores and things like that. | ||
| Did you see that skateboarding video that I posted on Instagram yesterday or YouTube yesterday? | ||
| We played it on the show yesterday because we had a woman that had suffered from severe head trauma. | ||
| This fucking kid is going 70 miles an hour down a road in Colorado. | ||
| He's on this super deep, steep hill, and he's just tucked like a skier, like one of those speed skiers, and he's fucking flying, and it's just... | ||
| Your hands get clammy, your feet start twitching, you're like, oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus. | ||
| Watch it when you get a chance. | ||
| I've seen one of those. | ||
| It was two guys, though, and they were going with it. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| If you wipe, you are so fucked. | ||
| One rock. | ||
| Yeah, anything. | ||
| Well, they're probably pretty good at balance. | ||
| They can probably pick it up pretty good, but this motherfucker, there he is right there. | ||
| Look at this crazy fucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Who's filming it, do you think? | ||
| Probably a car. | ||
| I would imagine a car, which is how they know he's going 70 miles an hour. | ||
| That's a very good question, though. | ||
| Could be another asshole behind him. | ||
| It's also doing the same thing. | ||
| If he hits a rock, the car's going to kill him. | ||
| That's a very good question. | ||
| That's a very good point, though. | ||
| Well, he'll go forward. | ||
| It's not like if he hits a rock, he's going to stop dead in his tracks. | ||
| He's going 70 miles an hour. | ||
| I don't know if you know a little thing called inertia. | ||
| The car's not going to know he's going to hit a rock. | ||
| But the car, he will not go that much slower is what I'm saying. | ||
| He's going to fly forward. | ||
| If he wipes, the guy's going to hit the brakes and he's going to go. | ||
| He doesn't have any brakes. | ||
| So he's going to skid and remove all of his skin. | ||
| Have you ever seen someone who's gotten mad road rash? | ||
| Did you see Dean Del Rey? | ||
| He posted on his Instagram, his whole side just skinned off. | ||
| All his tattoos on his arms, where he skinned his arms, his tattoos look brand new now, because it just took a layer of skin off, and so it looks like he just got his tattoos again. | ||
| So, like, you know how you're... | ||
| Exfoliating. | ||
| Yeah, so, like, if your tattoos fade, just get in the car accident. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ! | |
| Yeah, somebody hit him going 70 miles an hour, a tweaker, supposedly carjacked a car and had an accomplice following her. | ||
| She hits Dean going 70 miles an hour, gets out of her car, gets in the other car and takes off. | ||
| How does he know she was going 70 miles an hour? | ||
| He was just guessing because he was going about 65 or so and he saw her coming up behind him in the rear view just going crazy fast. | ||
| He said that she was going so fast he didn't have a chance to get out of the way or anything. | ||
| She just went right into him. | ||
| How does he know she's a tweaker? | ||
| Uh, I don't know. | ||
| It was a carjacking, so I'm guessing. | ||
| Yeah, good, most likely. | ||
| Damn, he's lucky he's okay. | ||
| I can't believe he's going on stage tonight. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking trooper. | ||
| He's gonna get a hero's welcome tonight. | ||
| He was at the comedy store last night, and you should see how many people were like, oh, are you okay? | ||
| And doing, like, the pat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| If you get a new tattoo, that's the first fucking thing people do. | ||
| They slap that tattoo. | ||
| They can't even help it. | ||
| I think it's like a magnet thing. | ||
| I think people are attracted to your injuries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's supposedly quitting motorcycles, which is interesting. | ||
| He said he got out of his get-out-of-jail-free card or whatever, so he's looking at a Volkswagen right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Yeah, it's a scary thing, man. | ||
| Scary thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look like you're like a thrill seeker. | |
| Like you got a motorcycle. | ||
| You don't you got a motorcycle? | ||
| I'm fucking torn. | ||
| I'm like half of two different people. | ||
| Fucking terrified of everything, and I do a lot of dangerous shit, but no, I don't have a motorcycle. | ||
| I came close, but I was actually going through the motorcycle safety course, the whole deal, with a couple buddies of mine that still ride. | ||
| My buddy Peter Hirschko, he's still riding. | ||
| But when we were doing it, two people I know wiped bad. | ||
| That was when Frank Mir, who was the UFC heavyweight champion at the time, got hit by a car. | ||
| They snapped his femur. | ||
| This guy, old man, ran a red light. | ||
| Just spaced out. | ||
| Just fucking nailed him. | ||
| Sent him flying 70 feet through the air. | ||
| He soared 70 feet in the air from a car. | ||
| And Frank's a giant dude. | ||
| And his legs snapped in half. | ||
| And he wasn't the same for like a year and a half, two years. | ||
| Took a long time for him to recover. | ||
| That scared the shit out of me. | ||
| And then my friend Edson fell and just tore his shoulder up. | ||
| And his shoulder was fucked up. | ||
| And, you know, that was it for me. | ||
| And then another person I know saw somebody hit. | ||
| I saw somebody got hit the other day. | ||
| I didn't see the hit, but I saw him after it was over, and he was screaming in agony, lying on the ground. | ||
| They had, like, the car beside him. | ||
| His bike was wiped out. | ||
| He's like, ah! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Yeah, you hear all these things about, I got a scooter, and I pop around town with the scooter, and you start seeing stuff like this, and you're like, maybe we should give the scooter a rest. | ||
| But I got to tell you, to drive around in L.A. in a scooter is, I mean, it's shaved some time off, and park right in, and bounce out. | ||
| But, you know, you don't think anything's going to happen, but then you hear someone like this with the carjacking, and then you're exposed, so... | ||
| I think the best move for those things is when you're on the highway and it's bumper to bumper and those motherfuckers are cutting the lane. | ||
| Because people at home, I don't know where you live and you're listening to this, but in LA, for some strange reason, you're allowed to drive in between cars legally. | ||
| It's super fucking dangerous. | ||
| When I lived in Boston, people used to do it, but it was illegal. | ||
| And people would get mad when people did it. | ||
| But here, it's totally legal. | ||
| I had some friends that came out and visited, and one of the first things that they said was, like, dude, everybody's breaking the law on the highway with the motorcycles. | ||
| I'm like, they're not. | ||
| Like, that's the law. | ||
| You're allowed to do that here. | ||
| And they just looked at me like, that... | ||
| What? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| When I first saw it, I was like, what the... | ||
| The guy almost clipped my mirror. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mirror's been clipped. | ||
| My mirror's still fucked from a motorcycle guy doing it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Clipping my mirror, yeah. | ||
| He's like he's alive. | ||
| I mean, can you imagine? | ||
| You're fucking... | ||
| Those Ducati crazy fuckers, those Hayabusa dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he didn't even stop. | |
| I don't think he knows. | ||
| I was driving home from the comedy store once and was one of those gangs of motorcycles. | ||
| You know, you get like 30, 40 guys out riding and one motherfucker is doing a wheelie for like a half a mile and he's going fast. | ||
| He's just... | ||
| Just barreling down the highway, cars all around him, and he's doing a wheelie. | ||
| And all I can think of is this fucking dude goes down, he's a dead man. | ||
| And we're all going to see it. | ||
| We're all going to see cars rolling over his head. | ||
| I mean, I guess it's exciting, though. | ||
| Must be a thrill. | ||
| Oh, it's a rush. | ||
| You get that scooter up to 35. I tell you. | ||
| See, I think that's a good idea, because I live in Burbank, and that wouldn't be bad to just, like, go to the store, you know, go to, you know, do little things here and there. | ||
| You should get one of those hovercrafts that got Wiz Khalifa arrested. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get one of those things that, like, the dude has at the store. | ||
| I can't do it, man. | ||
| Those are great. | ||
| I hate, like, just going into, like, the bank, and there's people standing on those things. | ||
| You've really seen a lot of them? | ||
| Oh, everywhere in Hollywood. | ||
| You would drive around on one of those things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| You would? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You would go to Ralph's and the thing up and down the aisle? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Until they make it illegal. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| With my stretchy rubber jeans. | ||
| Your leopard nipple. | ||
| Tell me where you bought that shirt. | ||
| I'll wear that. | ||
| That's my new outfit. | ||
| That and the hoverboard. | ||
| I think that, you know, they're going to make them illegal. | ||
| So like right now, like when you're driving around in a supermarket with those things, you can get away with it because there's no law. | ||
| You hear what happened? | ||
| The guy that's on Shark Tank, the rich billionaire guy, he actually owns the patent for all those. | ||
| And all those are just generic replicas of the original that are sent from Korea. | ||
| So all these ones you see around... | ||
| Or just rebranded generic shitty ones. | ||
| So he's going, alright, everyone, stop selling these now. | ||
| I own the patent. | ||
| You all owe me money. | ||
| So he's raking it in because of those things. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So he owns the patent, so he put a stop on all these people selling them? | ||
| All the generic ones have to stop. | ||
| And what's probably going to happen is he's probably going to raise the price of them. | ||
| Because right now you can go to Amazon and buy one for $350. | ||
| So he's probably going to make that like $1,000 and only have one brand. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| The Chinese are just gonna sell them anyway. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| They're just gonna keep fucking selling them. | ||
| You can't stop them. | ||
| I mean, they fucking copy towns. | ||
| They copy entire towns. | ||
| They copy everything over there. | ||
| It's kind of... | ||
| I kind of like that they do it. | ||
| You know, I don't like the fact that someone's counterfeiting someone's work, but I love the fact that we live in a world that's so crazy that there's a part of the world where you just accept that they're just going to copy everything. | ||
| They have a whole fake Apple store in China. | ||
| Total fake Apple store. | ||
| You go in there, there's an Apple logo, all the shit is counterfeit. | ||
| Have you never seen it before? | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| I mean, look, if I was Apple, I'd be pissed, but you're making plenty of money. | ||
| You should be laughing. | ||
| You should be laughing at the fact that this exists. | ||
| I mean, it sucks if you're in China and you want to, oh, look, I'll just go to the Apple store and get my... | ||
| How come it doesn't have a... | ||
| Why does it have a USB port on the bottom of the iPhone? | ||
| Like, what is... | ||
| Like, they just make their own shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'd be nice. | |
| And they just slap an Apple logo on it. | ||
| Yeah, they don't give a fuck, man. | ||
| They copy entire cities. | ||
| There's an exact replica of Paris in China down to every street. | ||
| Yeah, they have an Eiffel Tower. | ||
| They got no originality there? | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| No one's looking at their city and going, let's be unique here. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You gotta wonder. | ||
| I mean, I'm not a sociologist. | ||
| You gotta wonder, like, what is it about certain cultures that promotes creativity? | ||
| Like, obviously, America. | ||
| Like, America's known for being a very creative part of the country. | ||
| And if you look at, like, African Americans. | ||
| African Americans are known as being, like, some of the most creative and innovative people, as far as, like, culture, as far as, like, the way they dress and the way they talk. | ||
| They're, like, the most imitated. | ||
| You know, like, they're pushing music. | ||
| Like, think about, like, Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, you know, like, go back to, like, the old days of rock and roll, James Brown. | ||
| All these black guys, these white guys were like, fuck, we gotta do what they're doing. | ||
| Like, Jimi Hendrix, like, when they came along, the Beatles watched him, and they're like, we gotta fucking quit music. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Like, this fucking, what is this guy doing? | ||
| Everybody was like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| And... | ||
| What is it that makes them like that? | ||
| What is it that makes America a hub of innovation? | ||
| There's some innovative places in the world, but this spot, especially when it comes to art, especially when it comes to stand-up comedy, what we do... | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| Why wouldn't we go to Germany or Australia that no one's pumping out movies, TV shows like America? | ||
| Australia does a little bit, and they produce good comics. | ||
| Jim Jeffries came from Australia. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| They've got some really funny guys over there. | ||
| There's some real good local comics, and they make some good movies and stuff like that, but there's not that many people in Australia. | ||
| Australia is a giant place, and it's got as many people as L.A. Yeah, I was just saying in regards to entertainment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As a whole, America seems to have that kind of on lockdown. | ||
| We got it on fleek. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Like, Germany, not good at all. | ||
| Like, Germany's real stiff. | ||
| Brian, were you around when that guy was coming to the store? | ||
| Were you around when that guy was coming to the store? | ||
| Was, like, the main guy from Germany? | ||
| Oh, yeah, with the hair. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Oh, God, no. | ||
| I don't know if you were there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not Monkey Boss. | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He was a really, really popular guy in Germany. | ||
| And he had decided that he was going to make it in America. | ||
| And I mean, he barely spoke English. | ||
| Oh, God, yeah. | ||
| He came with his... | ||
| Doing juggling. | ||
| He had a suit on. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| I forget his name, too, but we were all like, what? | ||
| Like, what is this guy doing? | ||
| It was interesting because we kind of, like, respected the fact this guy had the balls. | ||
| He realized that, like, for stand-up comedians, like, when I was living in Boston, we would all hear about the comedy story. | ||
| It was like Mecca. | ||
| It was always spoken about in hushed tones. | ||
| Like, you gotta go to the Comedy Store. | ||
| That's where Pryor started out. | ||
| That's where Kenison started out. | ||
| And everybody was like, oh, the Comedy Store, the Comedy Store. | ||
| And then, you know, you'd get there and you'd see fucking James Stevens III asking for a standing ovation. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Singing Wizard of Oz songs and shit. | ||
| Like, it was a dark time in the 90s. | ||
| It was like, we had missed the Kinnison wave. | ||
| And, you know, when you and I were first starting at the store, I was a few years before you. | ||
| I started in 94 at the store. | ||
| And it was just like, whoa, this place is dark. | ||
| Like, it was gross. | ||
| It was like a lot of bad comedy going on there. | ||
| But this fucking dude decided, hey, you know, I'm a big star in Germany, but I'm going to come to America. | ||
| I'm going to try to make it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't even speak English. | |
| Frank Lemberman. | ||
| That's his name. | ||
| That's his name. | ||
| Frank Lemberman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| Real nice guy. | ||
| Just didn't work. | ||
| He just... | ||
| His comedy was like slapstick-y, like Charlie Chaplin movie type shit. | ||
| Like he would fall down and fucking... | ||
| He didn't know what was going on. | ||
| This guy went on stage and it was like, he was like the, I think he had a talk show in Germany. | ||
| And he came here and he tried to make it work. | ||
| And it's amazing how many people come in and out of that comedy store. | ||
| If you went back and looked at the people that came in, they stayed for a little bit, they left. | ||
| Where did he go? | ||
| The names on the walls. | ||
| Sometimes I'll just sit there with Google open and just Google people's names on the walls. | ||
| I have them I can't even find on Google. | ||
| There's some guy named MC Zen. | ||
| MC Zen? | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird name for a comic, so nothing about him. | ||
| There's some towing truck company on the side of the wall. | ||
| Have you ever looked at the wall? | ||
| There's a lot of names that I think people just put up there without them knowing. | ||
| Do you think that that happens, like, with doctors? | ||
| That, like, there's, like, doctors, like, whatever happened to Mike, the ophthalmologist? | ||
| Ah, he's not doing it anymore. | ||
| You know, like, does that happen? | ||
| Like, they go to ophthalmologist conventions, and he just quit? | ||
| He just quit? | ||
| Like, probably not as much, right? | ||
| They get saddled with all these bills, and, you know, there's no student loans for comedians. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think. | ||
| I never saw a guy or met a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to do medical stuff. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I ran into a guy at the improv the other night that was an open-miker when I was an open-miker from Boston, and he just decided, he goes, yeah, I haven't done comedy at all. | ||
| I haven't been on stage in 16 years, but I thought about it all the time, and I decided to come back. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, how do I get spots? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, just fucking ran away from me. | |
| Ah! | ||
| This is a conversation. | ||
| How do I speak English? | ||
| Well, you gotta start with the alphabet. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Like, what can you even say to a guy like that? | ||
| Go to kill Tony. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's got an advantage over someone who hasn't done it at all. | ||
| And there are people that start deep in their 40s. | ||
| I mean, there's no age limit. | ||
| No. | ||
| You could be a great comic. | ||
| You could start when you're 50 and become a great comic. | ||
| You just have to be willing to put in that time. | ||
| You have to have that energy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's gonna take some time. | ||
| I mean, like, when do you think you guys started feeling comfortable in your own skin and on stage? | ||
| Was that something that... | ||
| Couple weeks ago. | ||
| Couple weeks ago, I think I might have figured it out for an hour. | ||
| Hold on, there's a time... | ||
| Ten years. | ||
| I think ten years in. | ||
| I think ten years is the number. | ||
| So you probably started right when I was... | ||
| I was ten years in when you started. | ||
| So you started in 98. I started in 88. Oh, wow. | ||
| So when you saw me, I was just... | ||
| I could really do an hour. | ||
| I could really go on the road and I could do an hour and I had a special then. | ||
| I had my first Comedy Center or Warner Brothers CD that I put out and I felt like I could do comedy, you know? | ||
| I felt like I wasn't a fraud anymore, you know? | ||
| But I still didn't. | ||
| Like if someone was gonna come see me that I liked, I'd panic. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone famous that you like, come see you. | ||
| No, stay home. | ||
| Let me go on stage with no pressure. | ||
| It takes fucking forever, man. | ||
| It takes forever. | ||
| It's one of the most brutal grinds in all of show business. | ||
| It is a brutal grind. | ||
| You mentioned when someone's famous in the crowd. | ||
| Even when you're in the crowd, though. | ||
| You were in the crowd, and I know your laugh. | ||
| I know your laugh. | ||
| And you're laughing at other comedians. | ||
| So when I'm on stage, I'm listening for a Joe Rogan laugh. | ||
| I'm eight minutes in, I'm like, this guy's not laughing. | ||
| I was laughing at you the other night. | ||
| You were killing the other night. | ||
| But I listen to certain things in the room, and I think you, I mean, you don't do, you don't hear, like you're trying to make somebody laugh. | ||
| There's some people, like you hear Joey Diaz laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember to this day, when I was like, whoa, I'm a fucking comedian. | ||
| It's when Paul Mooney was laughing. | ||
| Like, Paul Mooney, when I first started, fucking treated me like I was the plague. | ||
| You know, some cute little white boy on some stupid sitcom trying to make it at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I was a non-paid regular. | ||
| I mean, I said, hello, Mr. Mooney, walked right by me like I was on fire. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And then one night, I was doing a set, a late set, and there was like fucking 20 people in the audience, but I used to do those sets like the place was packed, you know? | ||
| I don't believe in throwing away a set, you know? | ||
| If I'm going to do a set, I try my best. | ||
| And I heard, HA! Which is Mooney's laugh. | ||
| I forget what the bit was. | ||
| I really wish I remembered what the bit was. | ||
| It was a controversial bit. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It was a fucked up bit. | ||
| And I came off stage and Mooney fucking grabbed me by both shoulders and said, you're a real comic. | ||
| You are a real comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did that set in front of those 20 people like there was a thousand motherfuckers in that room. | |
| You're a real comic. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| I remember how good that felt. | ||
| Like hearing him laugh was like, wow. | ||
| Paul Moody thinks I'm funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nice to hear other comedians laugh at your stuff. | ||
| Oh, it's giant. | ||
| You could have 300 strangers laugh, but you hear one comedian laugh, and you're like, I'm in the group. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Diaz was in the back of the comedy store the other night, fucking howling. | ||
| When he's howling, ah! | ||
| You hear that fucking bellowing laugh. | ||
| And Diaz is always smacking things, smacking people when he's laughing, smacking tables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot of noise. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw your special. | ||
| Your Showtime special? | ||
| Was it a Showtime special? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was on the road. | ||
| I forget where I was. | ||
| I was flipping through the channels. | ||
| I think I was in Vegas, actually. | ||
| And I was just, you know, after a show, bored, watching TV, and your special came on. | ||
| And I hadn't seen you do a set because I hadn't been at the store in, like, six or seven years. | ||
| You know, 2007 was when I quit. | ||
| And this was, you know, maybe two years ago? | ||
| When was your special? | ||
| Yeah, about two and a half years ago. | ||
| Two years ago? | ||
| 2012, so two years ago. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| It was really, really good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It was tight. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| You were comfortable up there. | ||
| I was like, God damn, I haven't seen Sebastian in a long time. | ||
| You were fucking killing it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, and when you tweeted at me and the message, I was like, wow, that's nice. | ||
| Because I always thought at the comedy store when you were there, I don't know. | ||
| For some reason, I don't think you got what I was doing. | ||
| I don't blame you with the nipples and shit. | ||
| Well, we were always friendly. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, we were always friendly. | ||
| But for whatever the reason, we weren't like, we were never like hanging out there. | ||
| I was kind of in my own little world. | ||
| Well, you were kind of in your own little world with everybody though. | ||
| You kind of would go there and do your shit and then get out of there. | ||
| Yeah, I was kind of, I never really hung out. | ||
| I did, but I didn't. | ||
| And it was like, you had that little cluster of people in the back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Which I never kind of got into that little circle. | ||
| You could have got in at any time. | ||
| I was just one of these guys. | ||
| I've always been the guy kind of on the outskirts, even in school and whatever. | ||
| I was always kind of the quiet kid that, you know... | ||
| It's the shirts. | ||
| It's the fucking nipple shirts. | ||
| It's the shirts. | ||
| It's the shirts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People don't know what to make up yet. | |
| Open nipple shirt on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Open nipple shirts. | |
| Yeah, no, I was always kind of on the outskirts. | ||
| So anyway, to fast forward when you said that you really enjoyed what I was doing, I was like, wow, that's a nice compliment. | ||
| Yeah, I sent that. | ||
| That was a tweet I put out a few years ago. | ||
| Right after I saw it, I put that out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, when I saw you at the Comedy Store the other night, too, I was noticing, I was like, he's so comfortable on stage now. | ||
| Like, you're so, like, in your own, you got your own rhythm, you know, which is, like, one of the harder things for a comedian to find. | ||
| Like, find your own rhythm. | ||
| Like, you could say the same stuff year after year after year and just not good. | ||
| And then one day, you figure out how to do it, you figure out how it gels in people's minds, and then, woof, that's it. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's a dance up there. | ||
| The thing that you were doing about the kid, about the kid that you just really didn't like. | ||
| I don't want to give away the bit. | ||
| Was it getting slapped in the back of the neck? | ||
| The thing about you ran into a kid at a party and you're like, I'm just not into this kid. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is great! | ||
| It's one of those... | ||
| I don't want to give it away, but it's one of those bits where it's dependent upon your rhythm and everyone understanding how you look at things. | ||
| It's a combination of things. | ||
| I mean, you've got people that are writing beautiful jokes and this and that and the other thing. | ||
| I really admire those people. | ||
| But the way I work is it's more of like a way you say something or the timing or a pause or a look. | ||
| And it kind of all gels together for some reason. | ||
| And that's what I noticed, that people were kind of gravitating towards watching my act, was all this kind of physical and all this kind of weird faces that some other people might look like, is this funny that the guy's doing all these faces or whatnot? | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| I've always been in a very expressive family. | ||
| So when we sat around the table, which seemed to be kind of my first stage growing up in this Italian household, and everybody was... | ||
| Kind of telling stories. | ||
| Everybody was kind of funny. | ||
| And we never really got serious. | ||
| Because if we got serious, we would start to cry. | ||
| Very emotional family. | ||
| It was either we were laughing or crying. | ||
| There was no in-between. | ||
| That's Italians. | ||
| That's Italians. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| And it took a while to kind of find that rhythm. | ||
| Yeah, it's an interesting thing, isn't it? | ||
| Everybody's got their own rhythm and you can't predict it. | ||
| I always use Mitch Hedberg as an example. | ||
| If you ever saw Hedberg live, Hedberg would say things that on paper were not funny at all. | ||
| You would be howling. | ||
| He had that bit about the Doubletree, naming the Doubletree in. | ||
| How did they name that? | ||
| How about three trees? | ||
| No. | ||
| Double tree? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Meeting adjourned. | ||
| I'm not doing the bit justice, but he had a bunch of bits like that. | ||
| Would you like a frozen banana? | ||
| No, but I'd like a regular banana later, so yes. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| But if you saw that on paper, you would go, that's not really funny. | ||
| But then you go see him live, and you're dying to this day. | ||
| If I'm bored and I'm in my car, I have a playlist on my iPhone where I have some stand-up on it, and I'll go to that Hedberg CD to this day. | ||
| I've heard it all a hundred times, and it's squeaky clean, squeaky clean, and fucking killer. | ||
| But it's just like he found his style. | ||
| He found his rhythm, you know? | ||
| You gotta find whatever it is. | ||
| No one can tell you, you know? | ||
| That's why comedy classes are just kind of ridiculous. | ||
| Joe, I took a comedy class. | ||
| Well, it's good to get you on stage. | ||
| Where at? | ||
| Who taught it? | ||
| This is another introduction into Los Angeles. | ||
| Never did comedy before, but once. | ||
| So I go, how am I going to get in to the comedy store? | ||
| I heard the comedy store was the place to be. | ||
| So I look through the trades. | ||
| Sandy Shore, who's Mitzi Shore's daughter, has a thing called Sandy Shore's Sandbox comedy class. | ||
| So I'm thinking, perfect. | ||
| I take her class. | ||
| If she likes me, she tells the mother, I'm in. | ||
| I'm sort of going to stay. | ||
| Sandy Shore's like, just so you know, I don't really get along with my mother. | ||
| We're not really talking right now. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that's $400 down the drain. | ||
| But for me, I enjoyed the comedy class because it gave me an opportunity to go up once a week in front of a supportive environment. | ||
| Say what you will about that. | ||
| You know, I mean, the people out there are support. | ||
| Holy! | ||
| I'm not going out into the wolves, but for me, it was like a way to kind of just get my legs a little bit. | ||
| So I took it for six months, and it kind of helped me get off the ground a little bit, because I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know what to do. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I mean, that's a great way to start, really. | ||
| It's just no one can teach you how to do comedy. | ||
| No, no, I don't think so. | ||
| You've got to kind of figure out how to do it on your own. | ||
| I've seen comedy classes where they give people bad advice, though, where they're telling somebody, like, The worst is like club owners. | ||
| Like Jamie Masada told my friend Todd once, you have to be generation X guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a generation X guy. | |
| When you go on stage, what you're gonna do is only talk about generation X. My generation, generation X, we think this and you do that. | ||
| And the kid was like, fuck, do I have to do this? | ||
| Like, if I don't do this, this guy's not gonna let me get on stage. | ||
| Like, the worst fucking possible advice. | ||
| You know, like, who's gonna make it with the Generation X guy fucking... | ||
| How long is that gonna last? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He told Tony that he's like, Tony, you need to wear a cowboy hat. | ||
| You wear a cowboy hat, you look like Woody from Toy Story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking shitty advice. | |
| The guy owns a comedy club. | ||
| When you find out that he's the guy that introduced Michael Jackson to those kids he molested, allegedly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, because he used to work with all those, like, dying kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, unfortunately. | ||
| He's the in-between guy. | ||
| Yeah, who's the fucking... | ||
| This is Corey Feldman, tight asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he said that. | |
| I don't think you introduced him to Corey Feldman either. | ||
| Corey Feldman wasn't dying of a disease as far as I know. | ||
| True. | ||
| But now you're fucking touring. | ||
| You're doing the road. | ||
| You're killing it everywhere. | ||
| I see everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere I'm at. | ||
| Improvs, all that shit. | ||
| You're doing great. | ||
| Yeah, knock on wood. | ||
| It's been good. | ||
| It's been good kind of getting myself involved with the clubs. | ||
| Did you start out at the store? | ||
| Started out in Los Angeles, 1998. I did comedy at my college. | ||
| I went to Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, and they had like a comedy contest where you auditioned in front of like the student council, and then I got to open up for the national headlining comedian. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Reese. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His last name was Reese. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| He used to do this thing. | ||
| He used to go up on stage and go, I don't know. | ||
| It was like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like a growl. | |
| That was his, like, moniker. | ||
| So he was the guy. | ||
| So I go on stage just as in, like, you know, like a college 400-seater where it's like a free show for the students. | ||
| Primarily a black crowd. | ||
| I go on stage and I start to do my act. | ||
| And I'm starting to hear, Sandman! | ||
| I didn't know what the hell Sandman was at the time, but I found out later at Showtime at the Apollo, that's what they call when they want the guy to come out with the hook, the Sandman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| But I'm like, I'm going through this going, what is that? | ||
| Is there another guy coming out? | ||
| What is Sandman? | ||
| So, it was bad. | ||
| It was a bad experience. | ||
| But, I knew, I just knew I had an ability to make people laugh. | ||
| Maybe not yet on stage. | ||
| It was primarily based on my family. | ||
| If I was making my family laugh, particularly my mother, if she was laughing, I knew that I had some ability to make people laugh. | ||
| I was just kind of trying to find it on stage. | ||
| It's a weird fucking journey, you know? | ||
| It's a very weird journey. | ||
| The journey of trying to figure out what it is and how to do it, which way to go, you know? | ||
| And you can go the wrong way for a long time and then have to bring it back. | ||
| You know, like there's guys that create characters, like Emo Phillips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has this character that he would do on stage. | |
| Which is great until you're 60, which he is now. | ||
| He's like an old dude, and now he can't do that character anymore. | ||
| So you go to see Emo Phillips, if you were a fan of his in the 80s, and you're like, yeah, we're going to go see Emo. | ||
| And you see him now, and you're like, um, what's going on? | ||
| He's just talking. | ||
| He's not doing the character thing. | ||
| I'm surprised it still works on dice, because it doesn't seem like it should, but it does. | ||
| Oh, it's universal. | ||
| That will last forever. | ||
| That will last forever. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he has become that guy. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's the guy. | ||
| He's that guy. | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| early days when he was Andrew Silverstein, the Dice character was one of the guys that he would do in his act. | ||
| He had a bunch of characters. | ||
| He would do John Travolta. | ||
| He does an incredible John Travolta impression. | ||
| He would do all these things. | ||
| He would sing. | ||
| He would have all these different pieces of his act, and then he would do the Dice Man. | ||
| And the Dice Man was based, apparently, on the Nutty Professor with Jerry Lewis. | ||
| Jerry Lewis would become, he was like this Nutty Professor, and they would become this really fucking cool guy who would smoke cigarettes, and the chicks all fawned over him. | ||
| So he became like that guy. | ||
| But now there's the blurred line between who he was, like Andrew Silverstein, and then the Dice Man. | ||
| That's gone. | ||
| He is the Dice Man now. | ||
| You run into him at fucking Ralph's. | ||
| He's got weightlifting gloves on. | ||
| He taught me how to get this fanny pack. | ||
| I did not know. | ||
| This is the Roots fanny pack. | ||
| This is the one I sell on higherprimate.com. | ||
| I found out about this from Dice. | ||
| That's a Dice recommendation? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He came in with it. | ||
| He came in with it with sweatpants. | ||
| With this fucking beautiful, glorious fanny pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, where did you get that? | |
| He goes, that's nice, right? | ||
| I'm like, that's fucking gorgeous. | ||
| Like, that's the greatest fanny pack I've ever seen. | ||
| He goes, oh, it's the best. | ||
| It's the best one. | ||
| And he's like, show me all the features. | ||
| Like, this one's got a little buckle. | ||
| This has got a zipper. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, it is the best. | ||
| But he's that guy now that really is who he is. | ||
| He's like, all the time, 24 hours. | ||
| You call him up in the middle of the night. | ||
| He's Dice Man. | ||
| I think he became that guy. | ||
| Yeah, I opened up for him for like two, three years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he picked me out of the comedy store and he came up to me. | ||
| At first he goes, you know what you should do? | ||
| I said, what? | ||
| When you go on stage, put a sock in your pants and then you'll be like the comedian who's just got a big cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this is like, this is like my guy I looked up to. | |
| And he's telling me, and then I actually went home that night going, should I do that? | ||
| Should I be kake? | ||
| Anyway, we developed this kind of weird little friendship and he asked me if I wanted to go do Las Vegas with him at the Stardust Hotel and I'm like, I call my parents, I go, I'm opening up for Dice Clay at the Stardust. | ||
| My mother's like, you made it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You made it! | |
| Wow. | ||
| So they all came out to see and I hung out with them on the road. | ||
| And the first time we played Vegas, I'm like, I can't believe I'm here. | ||
| Wayne Newton Theater. | ||
| I wonder what we're going to do. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll probably go out and dinner and go out to a club. | |
| Hang by the pool. | ||
| Probably got a cabana. | ||
| And he goes, we're going furniture shopping today. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| We're in Las Vegas. | ||
| So we went furniture shopping because he had a house out there and he was furnishing his house. | ||
| So we would go to furniture stores and he would tell me, sit on the couch. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I go... | ||
| It's eight grand, guy. | ||
| It's better than anything I got at my house. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| And we would go to eat. | ||
| I mean, this was a process. | ||
| We were laying on carpets to see if the carpet was comfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, okay, I guess this is what you do. | |
| This is my first time on the road, and we're furniture shopping. | ||
| Let's go out. | ||
| Maybe the casino. | ||
| Maybe go for dinner. | ||
| He's like, are you kidding me? | ||
| It's like the Beatles. | ||
| If I go out there, it's like the Beatles. | ||
| It's like mania. | ||
| People are going to lose their mind. | ||
| I go, let's try it! | ||
| And sure enough, we went to the casino. | ||
| He had the glasses. | ||
| He had some big glitter ball on the back of his jacket and gloves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we went through the Venetian. | |
| And it was like, it was fantastic. | ||
| It was like, oh wow, this is what he's talking about. | ||
| Swarm them, right? | ||
| Swarm them. | ||
| I mean, he's got like a loyal fan base. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| I went to see him, me and Jimmy Norton and Brian and who else? | ||
| Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony and Bobby Kelly. | ||
| And we all went to... | ||
| Anthony and Jimmy Norton were in town for the fights and I had the night off. | ||
| We had the night off, so... | ||
| We found out Dice was in town. | ||
| So we're like, fuck, let's go see Dice. | ||
| Let's go see Dice at the Riviera. | ||
| So like, which is classic old Vegas. | ||
| You know, that was the first place I ever worked in Vegas. | ||
| So we went there. | ||
| We went to the, you know, they have the upper showroom, like the bigger showroom where they have, they used to have the drag queen show. | ||
| You know, Frank Marino used to do the drag queen show, the famous drag queen show. | ||
| So we went up there. | ||
| We had a fucking great time. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was fun to sit there in the audience and just howl. | ||
| Just howl laughing. | ||
| And his set was great. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| And then he was like, oh, happy to see us. | ||
| We went backstage. | ||
| We're hanging out with him. | ||
| And it was cool. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| His son does drums. | ||
| Son plays drums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They've got a great band. | ||
| I went to go see their band about four months ago here in the valley. | ||
| Great band and he taught me a lot. | ||
| I mean, we'd have like long discussions at night because he didn't really sleep and we'd say, come by, let's talk. | ||
| He didn't sleep? | ||
| Well, you know, he was up a lot, you know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| For a comedian, I go to bed early and he was up. | ||
| What time you go to bed? | ||
| I don't know, 11.30. | ||
| You don't have kids, right? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Newly married. | ||
| 11.30? | ||
| 11.30. | ||
| The fuck is that? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I don't get anything done until my kids are asleep. | ||
| I can only write when they're at school or when they're asleep. | ||
| That's the only time I can get things done. | ||
| Because otherwise, it's like, Daddy, come do this. | ||
| Daddy, I want to do that. | ||
| Daddy, come do this. | ||
| What do you think of this? | ||
| So I don't even try. | ||
| During the day when I'm with them, it's just playtime with the kids. | ||
| Or hanging out. | ||
| We do art together. | ||
| We do a lot of drawing together. | ||
| But at nighttime, that's when I get my shit done. | ||
| From 9pm on, if I don't have a set, from 9pm on, I'm writing. | ||
| That's when I do my writing. | ||
| That's when I watch documentaries, all that shit. | ||
| I get it all done at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oftentimes I don't go to bed till 3-4 o'clock in the morning. | |
| It's pretty normal for me. | ||
| Four or five. | ||
| Four or five? | ||
| He's like Comedy Store till 02, and then Meth, and then Hookers, Tinder, and then Grindr, when Tinder doesn't work out. | ||
| So you're all over the map. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, so Dice would be up like Super League. | ||
| Oh, yeah, come on. | ||
| He's telling me, you know, you can't look at other people's career. | ||
| You got your own path. | ||
| That's good advice. | ||
| You know, you can't be upset if somebody else gets something. | ||
| You know, it just really taught me kind of how to... | ||
| The only thing you have control of is how you perform and write. | ||
| Anything else is up in the air. | ||
| That's very good advice because that is a lot of wasting energy. | ||
| That a lot of comedians have, worrying about other people's sets and worrying about other people's careers. | ||
| Like, why is that guy getting this? | ||
| Why is she on this fucking show? | ||
| How come he got a thing or this and that? | ||
| Nothing to do with it. | ||
| We've all seen that though. | ||
| Those guys that get poisoned by other people's success, those guys, they always wind up failing too. | ||
| Like, it falls apart. | ||
| Like, jealousy is a poison that only... | ||
| It does the opposite of what you want it to do. | ||
| Instead of, like... | ||
| When you're jealous about somebody else's career, it doesn't do anything bad to them. | ||
| But it does something bad to you. | ||
| Like, it poisons you. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Like, people think, fuck that guy. | ||
| He's got this fucking TV show. | ||
| He's not even fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I remember when he first started, and I was fucking middling, and he was an open-miker. | |
| Like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| He's on TV now, and you're here. | ||
| Here's you. | ||
| When the guy says, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mike Custerfuck, and you go on stage, that's your time, dude. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| All that shit in between, don't do that. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's a waste. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Dice gave me some good advice, too. | ||
| Dice is the reason why I started going on the road. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was doing just the store. | ||
| I would just do the store. | ||
| And then somewhere in the 90s, when I was on news radio, Dice goes, you're a funny guy. | ||
| You should do the road. | ||
| And I go, yeah? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| You should do the road. | ||
| Why don't you do the road? | ||
| And I go, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I'm always working here. | ||
| He goes, yeah, but you know what? | ||
| He goes, you got TV shows? | ||
| He goes, you're on TV? He goes, but what if that goes away? | ||
| He goes, you don't want to fucking need those guys. | ||
| He goes, you could do great. | ||
| You could have a great career on the road. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, he's fucking right. | ||
| Like, what if TV shows go away? | ||
| Like, what if, you know, news radio gets canceled and then I can't get another show and then I'm fucked? | ||
| Like, I should go do the road. | ||
| And I started doing the road because of Dice. | ||
| 100%, 100% his advice. | ||
| Now, did you fall into news radio on like a, did you go audition for that part and get it? | ||
| Yeah, I auditioned for it, yeah. | ||
| That was totally, you were just doing the audition game, you booked a show, and then, and... | ||
| I had a show before that. | ||
| It was a show that got canceled. | ||
| It was called Hardball. | ||
| That was on in 94. 93 or 94. And it didn't last. | ||
| It only went like six episodes. | ||
| I came out for that. | ||
| But when I was an idiot, you know, 25 or something, whatever the fuck I was, 26. And I thought, oh, this is definitely going to go. | ||
| I'm going to get an apartment. | ||
| So I leased an apartment. | ||
| And then I'm stuck here. | ||
| Once the show got canceled after six episodes, I was like, oh, great. | ||
| Now I'm stuck here. | ||
| And I didn't know what to do and I was trying to figure it out and I said, well, I guess I'll just stay for a while. | ||
| I was ready to go back to New York. | ||
| I hated it out here. | ||
| I hated working with actors. | ||
| Like, I couldn't believe how pretentious they were and ridiculous and pampered. | ||
| Like working with actors was fucking mind-boggling to me because I was used to comics who you know, especially like East Coast comics Constantly busting each other's balls always joking around and there was like a camaraderie with comics like we would go on the road together like comics would give each other taglines and We'd always say, hey, that was a great set, you know, this and that, and ba-ba-ba, and, you know, there was, like, a feeling of, like, belonging. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I was out here with these actresses, like, oh, God, I can't even talk to these fucking people. | ||
| They were all backstabby, and they would fuck with you before your scene and say creepy shit to you, and there was, like, there was so much weirdness. | ||
| There was just so much weirdness and fakeness. | ||
| They would say things that you know they didn't really mean. | ||
| They would love to say, like, they meet people, they had this fake way of talking, like, oh, nice to see you. | ||
| Like, it was like, there was like this fucking, they would pretend to be this person who's like super professional, so that they could get hired and do something else. | ||
| Meanwhile, they were a boiling cauldron of crazy under the service, just... | ||
| Just trying to keep it together until they fucking got into their car and just scream all the way home and then pop pills or do whatever the fuck they did. | ||
| So I got another development deal from the Hardball show. | ||
| I got a development deal with NBC and I was supposed to do my own show. | ||
| And then they brought me in. | ||
| They said, we would like to talk to you about something. | ||
| We got this other show that we're going to cast. | ||
| We're replacing one of the characters. | ||
| The original character was Ray Romano. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Ray Romano was originally in the pilot. | ||
| And then he got fired from the pilot. | ||
| And they brought in a new guy to play the Ray Romano character in the pilot. | ||
| And then they got rid of that guy. | ||
| And so I felt better because I didn't replace Ray or replace the guy who replaced Ray. | ||
| And then they had auditions and I came in and I auditioned for it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's amazing how stuff happens. | ||
| Stupid dumb luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just dumb luck. | ||
| I remember being at the audition. | ||
| The first one was a cattle call. | ||
| It was like fucking hundred dudes. | ||
| And I was like, what are the odds of getting this? | ||
| Jesus Christ, look at all these fucking people. | ||
| I did the audition and it was not funny. | ||
| At all. | ||
| But they did it on purpose. | ||
| They literally wrote a script that wasn't funny. | ||
| Because they wanted to make sure people weren't like fucking hamming it up! | ||
| I wanted to make sure that people didn't try super hard to make something funny. | ||
| So then I got a callback and I was like, really? | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| So I went in for the callback and this time the script was hilarious. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I see what they did. | ||
| They weeded out all the hams. | ||
| They weeded out all the huck. | ||
| And I went to the script. | ||
| And it was me and two or three other guys that looked like they were about to go to NOM. They were pale and sweaty and nervous and going over their lines. | ||
| And I remember looking at these guys. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I got this. | ||
| So I plopped down the couch while these guys were going over the lines. | ||
| I put my fucking feet up. | ||
| I put my hands behind my head. | ||
| And I was like, look at you fucking pussies. | ||
| You guys are scared. | ||
| And because these guys were scared, I knew these were the only guys that were auditioning. | ||
| I was super confident, so I went in there, like, super relaxed, and I nailed it, and then I got it. | ||
| But it was just looking at those guys. | ||
| Looking at people that are scared can give you a lot of confidence. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Especially if you hear it from the waiting room. | ||
| If you hear somebody else's audition, you're like, not even funny. | ||
| That guy's not even funny in there. | ||
| Yeah, they were like, they were just comic. | ||
| They were actors, rather. | ||
| They weren't comics. | ||
| They didn't know how to, and the writing was really good. | ||
| So I went from this show that was like the worst case show. | ||
| It was a terrible show. | ||
| The Harbaugh show. | ||
| It just wasn't good. | ||
| They brought in this like really bad guy who was like an executive producer of Coach. | ||
| Remember that show, Coach? | ||
| And he was like hamming it up. | ||
| Everything was just gross, shitty writing, real hacky premises, just garbage show. | ||
| And then from that to working with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley and Steven Rood, I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Maura Tierney and Candy Alexander and Vicki Lewis. | ||
| I was like, this is nuts. | ||
| Just sitting at the fucking table with Phil Hartman, like reading with Phil Hartman. | ||
| Like, I'd only been doing stand-up for five years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm sitting next to Phil Hartman at this table. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Reading for this sitcom. | ||
| Like, this is madness. | ||
| This doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just dumb luck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| All that stuff was cool, but what was bigger to me was becoming a paid regular at the Comedy Store. | ||
| That was the biggest thing to me. | ||
| It was like, having a sitcom, that's all well and good. | ||
| But when I became a paid regular at the store, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I remember going back to my apartment. | ||
| I had an apartment at the Oakwoods. | ||
| You know, those little shitty pre-fucking furnished apartments? | ||
| I used to go back to that shithole every night after I was a non-paid regular. | ||
| These depressing, farted-in couches. | ||
| In Burbank? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know that, off Olive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's where I used to live. | ||
| Corey Haim died there. | ||
| No. | ||
| At the Oakwoods? | ||
| Oakwoods. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Doing drugs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Alright, well, I got there first. | ||
| I got there before he died. | ||
| Yeah, but once I became a paid regular at the store, that was everything to me. | ||
| That was, you know, I was in. | ||
| I was like, you know, you have like these little milestones. | ||
| You know, like getting a record with Warner Brothers, that was a milestone. | ||
| You know, you have these little things where you're like, okay, I guess I'm doing this. | ||
| I am actually doing this. | ||
| Because for a while, you feel like a fraud. | ||
| You know, for the first few years of your career, you're out there, you know, you just feel like a fraud. | ||
| And people want you to feel like a fraud, too. | ||
| Other comics want you to feel like a fraud. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of fucking crabs in a bucket going on in our business, especially early. | ||
| You know, you have crabs in a bucket, they just try to pull the other crabs down as they try to get out. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I kind of... | ||
| I just stayed... | ||
| I had a job working at the Four Seasons Hotel while I was doing the stand-up, so I had kind of like a separate group of friends at my job. | ||
| I didn't really hang out with a lot of comedians at night just because I was so involved at the Four Seasons during the day, and I was... | ||
| Hanging out with them after work. | ||
| Four Seasons out here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's that at? | ||
| On Doheny. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Burton Way. | ||
| What'd you do over there? | ||
| I was in the Windows Lounge. | ||
| I was a cocktail waitress, basically. | ||
| I worked with about ten girls. | ||
| And me and another guy. | ||
| Did you put the sock in? | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I got the jab. | |
| Oh! | ||
| This fucking guy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| So how long did you do that for? | ||
| Seven and a half years. | ||
| I started in 98 and then I left in 2005. Wow! | ||
| I mean that supplemented my income. | ||
| I wasn't the road guy. | ||
| I didn't really do a lot of feature work. | ||
| I just kind of honed it in here in Los Angeles. | ||
| And worked at the Four Seasons in the meantime, just kind of hoping something would break, just doing the Comedy Store and just local sets. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| So where else did you, besides the store? | ||
| Well, I went to the Laugh Factory and Masada asked me, why? | ||
| Why are you angry? | ||
| Why are you so angry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, what? | |
| Sam Kennison, angry for a reason, but you... | ||
| Why was Sam Kinison angry for a reason? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He said he had a reason to his anger. | ||
| And my anger was displaced. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you were mad at Ross Dress for Less. | |
| I remember that bit. | ||
| You get fucking so angry at the messy Ross. | ||
| That was my first introduction to LA. I went to Ross Dress for Less with my father to buy bedding. | ||
| He came out here to visit. | ||
| He goes, let's go to Ross. | ||
| Get some pillows. | ||
| And we walked in. | ||
| We're like, what the fuck? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on the So, it was a good bit, because it is true. | |
| Anybody who's ever been there, the bit they used to do the way you would do it. | ||
| People would just take things and just start fucking throwing them. | ||
| Just chuck it across the room. | ||
| So, we're coming from the northwest suburbs of Chicago, you know, very neatly put together stores. | ||
| And now I went to the Ross on 3rd, and forget it. | ||
| I mean, it was just, it's like a hodgepodge of stuff over there. | ||
| There's like a bra mixed in with, like, games. | ||
| So, it was like, That's where that anger came from of like, God, I feel like a fish out of water. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| When I first came to LA, I didn't feel like I fit in. | ||
| I feel like I was, you know, I was the guy wearing the Cavaricis going to a nightclub at 17 years old. | ||
| I think the key is that everybody feels they don't fit in. | ||
| You know, everybody does in the beginning. | ||
| You can pretend, but you never... | ||
| I mean, I feel like I fit in now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But it's a long time. | ||
| Yeah, it takes a while. | ||
| But in the beginning, I think everybody feels like they don't fit in. | ||
| I think one of the great things is what you're doing. | ||
| The Kill Tony. | ||
| That gives people an introduction. | ||
| to stand up and an introduction to like you know like you're in the big leagues like real real quick like you're on a podcast that gets seen by or listened to by hundreds of thousands of people and you're there with Don Marrera judging you and Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Silverman and all these different people that are really funny comedians are up like watching you do stand up putting you in these like super high-pressure situations you're doing one minute in front of a microphone and then you kind of get to say hi to those people they become They seem like normal. | ||
| I wish I had it when I was a kid. | ||
| Or when I started off. | ||
| Because that's so good for me. | ||
| Because they can have it on tape. | ||
| They can go over it. | ||
| They can have professional comedians dissect what they're doing wrong. | ||
| Instead of just doing it in front of two other comics that didn't even pay attention. | ||
| And you just go home and go, I think I did okay. | ||
| Yeah, those open mic nights where you're doing it, you're doing your act to a bunch of people who've seen your act, and they're comics. | ||
| You're like, ten people in the audience are all comics. | ||
| Those are brutal. | ||
| Half the shows are that, you know, you're an open mic. | ||
| I mean, when I started, it was Chris D'Elia, Dean Del Rey, me, and we'd go to the same four different open mics every day, and it was just like, oh, my audience lasts, you know, hour. | ||
| You know, it's the same audience over and over. | ||
| It's just an audience of five other comics that went from one open mic to another. | ||
| Yeah, that's where some comics, they fall into that trap of doing stand-up for the back of the room. | ||
| They do, like, really obscure shit that only the comics think is funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's kind of practice, in a way. | ||
| You know, it gives you a way to figure out a way to make something funny out of this moment. | ||
| But it's not a real crowd. | ||
| You know, it's just, you're kind of, like, fucking around. | ||
| It's easy to fall into that and never get out of that, too. | ||
| I just had to make myself stop. | ||
| Like, I'm done with this. | ||
| I'm not going to HaHa Cafe anymore and spending $5 to go home to five minutes. | ||
| They charge you? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of places charge you. | ||
| HaHa used to be $5, but you got a beer, and you got to do five minutes. | ||
| And now you don't get a beer. | ||
| You just have to do $5, I guess. | ||
| Well, those clubs are barely hanging on, you know? | ||
| I mean, even the Ice House, which is like one of the best clubs in the world, they're kind of barely hanging on, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you got two phones over there for you, fuck? | ||
| I got the new Samsung Note 5, Joe. | ||
| Ooh, how is it? | ||
| By the way, one of the first phones that I've ever had that I'm almost done with the iPhone after this phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's got one of the most amazing cameras. | ||
| It's got all these really cool things. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| If you're out and you're just like, oh, I need to write a note, you just take the pen out and you can be like, oh, you can just write it right here. | ||
| On the screen. | ||
| On the screen. | ||
| And then you can just be like, hey, you know, I gotta remember to eat this dick. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's always a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't remember to eat that dick. | ||
| It's crazy good. | ||
| I highly recommend this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's got a feature in the camera where you can just broadcast right to YouTube. | ||
| So kind of like Periscope, you can just be like, boom, I'm broadcasting now on YouTube. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's built into the camera? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've noticed how popular Periscope's been in live apps like that, so they've decided just to build it right into the operating system. | ||
| So now you can just broadcast live from it. | ||
| Is it better than the Edge? | ||
| Way better than the Edge. | ||
| I love this phone. | ||
| What's better about it? | ||
| The problem I had with the Edge is that while the Edge was neat to look at, the corners where it's wrapped around the side, I was constantly hitting buttons. | ||
| It also had a really sharp edge to it, you know, the feel of it, which this doesn't. | ||
| This is more like an iPhone, so it's nice and soft on the side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me check that out. | |
| Let me feel it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't beat the camera on the Samsung. | ||
| It seems smaller than an iPhone. | ||
| It is smaller than an iPhone. | ||
| It's thinner than an iPhone. | ||
| Oh, it's a good size for your hand. | ||
| My hands are pretty big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I can get this. | ||
| I could do like a one-handed text with this. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| This is pretty slick. | ||
| It also has the ability to edit PDFs. | ||
| So if somebody sends you a PDF and is like, hey, I need you to print this out and sign it, now you can just edit it right on the fly, send it back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Which is cool. | ||
| I'm just amazed by the camera the most, though. | ||
| It was the first time that Samsung or any Galaxy phone actually had a camera that's, I think, better than the iPhone camera. | ||
| And what are you using for your provider? | ||
| T-Mobile. | ||
| And you like that? | ||
| I love T-Mobile. | ||
| I'm on a family plan, both of these phones. | ||
| I have unlimited data. | ||
| I think it's like $99 a month for both phones, unlimited data. | ||
| I'm looking through your Instagram. | ||
| It's hilarious who you follow. | ||
|
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|
Brian follows all girls that are sticking their asses out. | |
| It's just a slew of girls sticking their asses out. | ||
| It's one after the other. | ||
| All these different skanks. | ||
| I say stanks. | ||
| Skanks, with all due respect... | ||
| We're all due respect, a bunch of whores. | ||
| A bunch of whores! | ||
| Wow, you got a lot of hot girls you're following, my friend. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Are you single? | ||
| No, not anymore. | ||
| He got himself a girl. | ||
| Well, he's not married. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not married, though. | ||
| That's the way to go. | ||
| Even if you're not single, you're not married. | ||
| That's the thing about this fucking lady that's not marrying these gay people. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| She's doing him a favor. | ||
| I'm like, don't do it. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You got it made, you fucks. | ||
| You got it made. | ||
| Right now it's illegal. | ||
| Well, now it is legal. | ||
| But for the longest time it was illegal. | ||
| And these guys had to go in there and fuck it up. | ||
| I can understand lesbians wanting to get married. | ||
| It's every girl's dream. | ||
| But come on. | ||
| These guys that are fighting for it? | ||
| It's too hot. | ||
| Just say you can't do it. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| It's like a marathon. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I can't run it. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| You don't have to do it. | ||
| Just do it root style. | ||
| Lay a broom on the ground. | ||
| Jump over it like Kizzy and Kunta Kinte did. | ||
| Joe, another cool thing about it, say like there's an interview of you and you're like, you know what, I want to save this interview. | ||
| It's on a website right now or something like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you circle it. | ||
| Yeah, it used to be, you know, take a screenshot or something. | ||
| They have this new thing called screen capture where what you do is screenwrite. | ||
| And so what it does is it takes a picture of it, then you can go advance it. | ||
| So it will scroll down automatically, take a picture, take a picture. | ||
| Take a picture. | ||
| So we'll go through the whole entire website, and now it just made it a huge JPEG. So you could have like a whole JPEG saved to your gallery. | ||
| So it saves websites, and then you could like write on it and send it to people if you wanted to. | ||
| Is that how the fat Jewish steals all of his stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Well, as soon as you took the pen out, it kind of lost me because it just seems like... | ||
| Annoying? | ||
| Well, there's a lot going on, man. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| I mean, I'm not that tech savvy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you don't have to take that out. | |
| You're doing pens. | ||
| Well, honestly, I never even... | ||
| I always forget that there is a pen. | ||
| I never take it out. | ||
| You never use the pen? | ||
| No, and the new one just clicks in there, so it just snaps in. | ||
| Isn't there one that's waterproof, though, now? | ||
| They have a sport? | ||
| They have the Samsung S6... Edge Sport or something like that, which is just built a little bit more tough, and it's waterproof again. | ||
| I asked about that, and he says, yeah, it's just a more rugged phone, but this is a little bit... | ||
| How's the battery life in that thing? | ||
| Great, and it's got the new fast charger. | ||
| I have a charging pad now where I just go home and just set it on this table and then pick it up, so I don't have to plug it in anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Now, do you have to put a special case on it to use that fast charge thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| The new Samsungs are built into the phone. | ||
| And you don't have to take off a normal case. | ||
| So if you have a case on it, you don't have to take it off. | ||
| It just goes through it. | ||
| So you just sit it down on the table. | ||
| Are you a convert? | ||
| I'm just amazed at the knowledge... | ||
| When I listen to the sales guy tell me the options, I'm not even there. | ||
| I'm just like, give me the phone, let me get out of here. | ||
| You actually retain the information. | ||
| Yeah, I love this shit. | ||
| Well, he goes online and he actually makes videos of these. | ||
| For the longest time before Amazon fucked him, he used to have this great thing he was doing where he would buy something, like buy a camera, and then he would review it and then put up a link from his Amazon, so if somebody bought it, he would get a kickback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| So I'd get free stuff, pretty much, because I would just do such good reviews on these cameras that so many people would click on it, it would pay for the camera. | ||
| So it was a way for me to get stuff like cameras and stuff I couldn't afford. | ||
| And how come they don't... | ||
| Why isn't that happening anymore? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They said that... | ||
| Somebody reported me as saying that I had porn on my website, and so they would go, oh, we can't have porn on the website. | ||
| I was making up to $7,000 a month in just that Amazon stuff. | ||
| You didn't really have porn on your website, did you? | ||
| No, it's just because it was Death Squad, and there was an episode that had a girl on it that was a porn star, and so they probably just went there. | ||
| That's all you need? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, wow. | ||
| You're making, like, bank off of that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever try to get back in? | ||
| I need to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, Amazon. | |
| Come on, Amazon. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Look it up, you fucks. | ||
| Now, didn't Apple come out with a bunch of new shit today? | ||
| Apple came out with a 12-inch iPad, so it's called an iPad Pro, which is just like a 12-inch laptop without a keyboard. | ||
| They also came with the iPhone 6S, which has a better front-facing camera now. | ||
| It's got a better processor. | ||
| It's got the Touch, 3D Touch. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| It reacts when you touch it, you feel it. | ||
| Yeah, you can feel it. | ||
| They also released a new Apple TV, which is the thing that I am the most interested in because now it plays games, it does apps, and it's the first one to actually In the future, you're going to have a Joe Rogan app finally. | ||
| So when you're opening up your TV, you're like, oh, CNN. Oh, Netflix. | ||
| Oh, Joe Rogan. | ||
| So it's going to be like that. | ||
| So it's the first step into completely destroying the cable industry, I think. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, I use Apple TV a lot now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the time. | |
| I fucking love it. | ||
| It's got Netflix on it. | ||
| It has HBO Go on it. | ||
| You can get to those things. | ||
| And with shows like Narco or whatever, you don't need anything on regular TV anymore. | ||
| That alone is just... | ||
| I heard that Narco show is great. | ||
| Oh, it's beautiful. | ||
| It's like Goodfellas. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| Did you watch it? | ||
| I'm halfway in and I'm like, I'm in. | ||
| I mean, anything with drugs, voiceover, a guy with a mustache. | ||
| Jamie, see if you can find that article that was on Dig yesterday. | ||
| It was the narco traffickers on Instagram, all the shit. | ||
| There's a bunch of these Mexican narco guys have Instagram pages. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Just, like, they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're just showing all the stuff they have. | ||
| They're showing gold-plated guns, girls' asses, it's just fucking them shooting guns, stacks of money, pet tiger, like, the whole deal. | ||
| Like, these guys are living like a goddamn Scarface movie. | ||
| They all have Scarface pictures. | ||
| Like, here's this one guy. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's a good guy. | ||
| Go to that guy's page. | ||
| If you click on that little Instagram thing, go to his page. | ||
| He's got, I mean, look, it's all booties, cars, look at that gold-plated pistol with a BMW. Yeah, you scroll down, you'll see more asses, more cars. | ||
| Look at that girl's ass. | ||
| Jesus, what an ass. | ||
| Fake as fuck. | ||
| That's fake as Nancy Reagan's orgasms. | ||
| Oh, what the fuck? | ||
| Look at that ass. | ||
| That can't be real, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Congratulations if it is real. | ||
| Well, she's got thick legs. | ||
| She might be doing squats. | ||
| A lot of booty shots. | ||
| Look, she's got a pet leopard over there. | ||
| Do you see the pet leopard? | ||
| Wow, look at that gun. | ||
| Go back to the Instagram. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| See the pet leopard? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Pet jaguar, leopard, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at this crazy bitch. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Daddy wants to eat. | ||
| It's fucking, but these guys are nuts, man. | ||
| They're just living this crazy life. | ||
| Just showing all the cool stuff that they have. | ||
| Look, he's got a pet leopard on his bed. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Dope AF. Dope as fuck. | ||
| Is this all drug money? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at Scarface. | ||
| You gotta have a Scarface picture. | ||
| Yeah, there's all drug money. | ||
| I mean, there's a bunch of them. | ||
| There's quite a few. | ||
| There's got a pet tiger down there, a pet lion. | ||
| There's quite a few of these guys on Instagram that just only have... | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| He's fucking gold-plated AK-47. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| Yeah, this guy's crazy. | ||
| He's got 21,000 followers. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| A lot of it's from Instagram. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| I mean, a lot of it's from the dig story. | ||
| Look at that girl with the tits pointing the gun at him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at that up there. | ||
| Titties. | ||
| Titties and guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what's up. | |
| Titties and guns and drums. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| Only 614 likes. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| That deserves a lot more likes. | ||
| That is a great picture. | ||
| And they managed to do it with no nipples. | ||
| Wow, yeah. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big titties. | |
| Those are juicy titties. | ||
| My worst nightmare, haha. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of her and of guns and all kinds of crazy shit, but these guys are out of their fucking mind. | ||
| I mean, this is the life they're living. | ||
| They're living this nutty narco life. | ||
| The amount of drug money that's in Mexico right now is just fucking insane. | ||
| They're making billions. | ||
| Look at that girl's ass down there. | ||
| Look at that guy bought him. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Blue girl's ass. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What a fucking ass. | ||
| That can't be real. | ||
| That's a fake one. | ||
| That's a fake ass. | ||
| But whatever. | ||
| There's a lot of that lately. | ||
| I was in Vegas last week. | ||
| I saw a lot of fake asses. | ||
| Girls are getting carried away. | ||
| That's the new thing, man. | ||
| You know, like, they had, like, giant tits in the 90s were, like, really popular. | ||
| Girls would just get tits that are way too big. | ||
| That's what they're doing now with their asses. | ||
| Like, they don't match your legs at all. | ||
| You have the legs of a lazy girl and the ass of a fucking major league pulled vaulter. | ||
| Like some girl who can jump over the moon. | ||
| Bags of weed. | ||
| Look at that shitty weed. | ||
| Let me see this weed. | ||
| See, ladies and gentlemen, if weed was legal, this guy would not be making this kind of money. | ||
| Simple. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| It doesn't look that good. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| This is what happened to... | ||
| You could tell good weed from just the bags? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah, that's shit weed. | ||
| Yeah, I see. | ||
| It looks like leaves and stems. | ||
| Well, it's just not American Californian weed, all right? | ||
| We do it the best out here. | ||
| We have botanists, all right? | ||
| They're growing that. | ||
| Avocado growers are making that shit. | ||
| But these dudes, there's a ton of these pages. | ||
| They're fun to watch. | ||
| There's a guy who makes a holster. | ||
| You see the cup holder? | ||
| There's a cup holder holster. | ||
| It pulls your cup holder off, and it fits right in place, and then it's like an actual click-in holster. | ||
| For the gun? | ||
| Yeah, for your pistol. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Titties! | ||
| Titties and guns. | ||
| This guy's got a gun pointing at his dick. | ||
| You might want to unload that. | ||
| It's interesting, this culture that has kind of come out of nowhere. | ||
| When I was a kid, I mean, shit, man, fucking 15 years ago, you used to be able to go to Cancun, you go to Mexico, nobody thought about, like, gang violence from drug dealers in Mexico. | ||
| You didn't think about it at all. | ||
| Well, was this going on at this level, or is it now just the internet is giving us a window into what was always kind of there? | ||
| No, the world of drug dealers in Mexico has changed radically over the last couple decades. | ||
| Radically. | ||
| That's pretty established. | ||
| I mean, they definitely always had something going on down there. | ||
| There was always something. | ||
| But guys like El Chapo, like that crazy fucker that got out of jail by digging a tunnel that's a mile long with an electric scooter inside of it. | ||
| They never found him, right? | ||
| No! | ||
| You're not going to find that guy. | ||
| He's figured out how to get away now. | ||
| He paid millions of dollars to have that fucking tunnel made. | ||
| You're not going to find him. | ||
| Beautiful tunnel, too. | ||
| I mean, it just had everything. | ||
| I think it had air conditioning down there. | ||
| Lights. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| It had lights, ventilation. | ||
| Figured out how to put that electric bike so it would just zip out of there quick. | ||
| So once he got in there, he was gone. | ||
| And they're waiting for him a mile away in the house. | ||
| Tell me they didn't know that that was going on. | ||
| How many people knew that was going on? | ||
| How many times did they hear digging, and they just kept their fucking mouth shut? | ||
| Well, I mean, it was somebody else's house that he popped out of? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It took a year to dig that tunnel, too. | ||
| I mean, it's hilarious. | ||
| The guy just goes into the hole in the ground where the shitter is. | ||
| He's got a little tiny wall, like this high, so that you can't see him taking a shit, so that you couldn't see the hole being dug either. | ||
| And then goes right in, and that's it. | ||
| All she wrote. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, the whole world exists because of illegal drugs. | ||
| If drugs were legal in this country, there wouldn't be this gigantic demand and this ability to make insane amounts of money from these cartels. | ||
| But you make drugs legal in the United States, right? | ||
| Does the usage spike? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not according to other countries, not according to Portugal. | ||
| Portugal decriminalized everything and they saw a giant drop in HIV infection, giant drop in violent crime, giant drop in addiction. | ||
| You can't tell people what to do. | ||
| If we were in this room, this is my example, If this room was the whole world, or the guys in this room, and we were all hanging around and Brian wanted to smoke weed, and we're like, hey man, we got fucking laws. | ||
| You can't smoke weed, we're gonna lock you in jail. | ||
| That would be crazy, right? | ||
| Who would we be to tell you what you can't do? | ||
| That's the same thing with the world. | ||
| We're all just adults. | ||
| It's one thing whether or not it should be legal for children. | ||
| I don't think anything that fucks with your mind should be legal for kids. | ||
| You know, nothing. | ||
| Even fucking energy drinks. | ||
| Like monster energy drinks, red lines, all those crazy things. | ||
| You shouldn't have... | ||
| When you're 14 years old, you shouldn't give that to a kid. | ||
| They'll drink it and get a goddamn heart attack. | ||
| You shouldn't be able to fuck with their mind. | ||
| They shouldn't be able to smoke cigarettes. | ||
| They shouldn't be able to drink alcohol. | ||
| All that stuff should be illegal for growing minds, because it's dangerous. | ||
| But once you become an adult, you are... | ||
| You're as sovereign as I am. | ||
| I should be able to decide what goes in my body, what I do with my body. | ||
| As long as it's not hurting you... | ||
| Anybody that tells you differently, they're suppressing your freedom. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| Do I think you should do heroin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Do I think you should smoke meth? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if you want to do it, what the fuck am I to tell you not to do it? | ||
| It's none of my business. | ||
| It's not my business to tell you to not chew tobacco either. | ||
| I think chewing tobacco is fucking terrible for you. | ||
| I think smoking is terrible. | ||
| There's a lot of things that are terrible for you. | ||
| Pills, popping pills are terrible for you. | ||
| Eating shitty food is terrible for you. | ||
| I'm watching this documentary on sugar right now, and it's blowing me away. | ||
| It's blowing me away of how much processed sugar is in what people think is health foods, health drinks, and how much processed sugar is in people's diets. | ||
| There's a lot of things that are bad for you, but it's up to you to decide what to do and what not to do. | ||
| I think the problem is when companies lie about what things are good for you or not good for you, like what the tobacco company did for the longest time, those tobacco companies. | ||
| Lied about nicotine being addictive, cigarettes being addictive. | ||
| They just lied in order to keep making money. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| You know, that's bad. | ||
| But once it's all out on the table, who gives a fuck? | ||
| If you want to smoke cigarettes, who am I? Unless you're my friend. | ||
| You know, I'll try to talk you out of it if you're my friend. | ||
| But if you're an adult, do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| And I think it should be that with everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything across the board. | ||
| When it comes to drugs? | ||
| I mean, where does the laws come in? | ||
| I think prostitution, same thing. | ||
| I think drugs and prostitution are the two stupidest fucking things to make illegal. | ||
| Especially prostitution, because it's legal to be promiscuous. | ||
| It's legal for a girl to just have sex with as many guys as she wants. | ||
| A girl could go to the Mondrian tonight and just suck 50 dicks and no one could say a goddamn thing about it. | ||
| She can come downstairs, who's next? | ||
| Who's next? | ||
| Who wants to do this? | ||
| But as soon as she starts getting paid for that... | ||
| Then it's illegal. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| Willie D from the ghetto boy said it best. | ||
| You gotta let a hoe be a hoe. | ||
| He said that shit in the early 90s. | ||
| Just test them. | ||
| Have them test like porn stars. | ||
| Like once a month or once every 15 days. | ||
| Get a sex test. | ||
| They have to use condoms. | ||
| I mean, if you can trade a taco for sex, you should be able to trade $100 for sex. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| You take a girl out to dinner and she fucks you. | ||
| I mean, a girl that normally wouldn't fuck you. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that prostitution? | ||
| It kind of is. | ||
| You buy her a nice gift and she blows you. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that prostitution? | ||
| Would she have blown you without that nice watch you bought her? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| I know a lot of models that get paid, they'll get 20 models, send them to a party, and they're just there to make the party look hot and pretty. | ||
| But if they sleep with somebody at the party, that's the same thing as being a prostitute. | ||
| They got paid to be at this party. | ||
| Yeah, but it's their choice. | ||
| They're not exchanging money directly for sex. | ||
| And if they are, then it becomes illegal. | ||
| It's fucking stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's just sex. | ||
| Sex is great. | ||
| You should be able to buy it. | ||
| You should be able to buy it just like you can buy a massage. | ||
| How come you can buy a haircut if you can't buy a blowjob? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's a service. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I mean, it shouldn't always be a service. | ||
| Like, if you love someone and you want to have sex with them, that's not the same, you know? | ||
| But the idea that sex is only for love, that's some Puritan bullshit. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| You should be able to do whatever you want, guys and girls. | ||
| You know, everybody. | ||
| The girl. | ||
| The girl that we were talking about that Tommy Bunz and I was talking about we were Ian Edwards and I were in Vegas and we're coming back and we ran into this girl that Ian knows she's a stripper and She had coffee with us at the airport at the little coffee bean thing and she was talking about working at the Rhino and that this I told the story the other day that this girl that she was with said how lucrative do you get? | ||
| She goes, what do you mean? | ||
| She goes, if dudes give me a lot of money, I'll be getting lucrative. | ||
| I'll go back to their hotel. | ||
| So that became, like, all weekend, I mean, all flight back, how lucrative do you get? | ||
| She was talking about her husband, who lets guys fuck him. | ||
| He's gay for pay. | ||
| Like, five guys run a train on him, but they have to give him, like, a lot of money. | ||
| That should be legal. | ||
| It should be goddamn legal. | ||
| That should be illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| What if you were gay? | ||
| If you were gay, you would love it. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| If you could pay some guy and fucking have him blow you, you'd be all excited. | ||
| You should be able to do it if that's what you want. | ||
| No one should be able to stop that. | ||
| If there's only this four people in this room and Jamie wants to pay you for head. | ||
| He gets it for free. | ||
| And you want to blow them. | ||
| Why should that be bad? | ||
| It's fucking childish. | ||
| This is all some ancient Puritan stupidity. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's just some ancient stupid shit that people have been clinging to forever. | ||
| No one should be able to tell anybody what to do if it doesn't hurt you. | ||
| If it doesn't hurt somebody else, if it doesn't hurt other people, you're not victimizing anybody. | ||
| It's one thing like the sex industry, like sex slaves and underage sex people. | ||
| That's a totally different story. | ||
| Like exploitation, that's a totally different story. | ||
| But some girl who just wants to get lucrative, how lucrative do you get? | ||
| Because I be getting lucrative. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| You should be able to do whatever you want. | ||
| We're a bunch of babies. | ||
| A bunch of grown-up babies. | ||
| You don't fuck around with drugs at all, huh? | ||
| Listen, I've done pot. | ||
| You've done the pot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've done the pot. | |
| I've done the pot. | ||
| I shot a little pot in college. | ||
| No, listen, me, every once in a while, we'll fire it up. | ||
| Want some right now? | ||
| Glass tips. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's got a glass tip on it. | ||
| I feel like you got stuff that nobody else has. | ||
| You're right, I do. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The only time I've seen a cork was in wine. | ||
| And you got it on... | ||
| You got to smell it. | ||
| Just smell it. | ||
| You get high. | ||
| Just smell it on that joint. | ||
| It has a glass tip in it as a filter. | ||
| Man, what is this? | ||
| That's real weed. | ||
| That's American weed, goddammit, from California. | ||
| You never used to do this, right? | ||
| You never used to be a pot guy. | ||
| When we were hanging out at the comedy store... | ||
| 2000. 2000. That's when I started. | ||
| You flipped over, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, no, it smells good. | ||
| 15 years. | ||
| 15 years of steady. | ||
| Steady pot abuse. | ||
| You smoke pot every day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| Whenever I want to. | ||
| Well, what does it do for you? | ||
| A lot of things. | ||
| Makes me more creative. | ||
| Makes me relaxed. | ||
| Makes food taste better. | ||
| Makes sex feel better. | ||
| Makes movies more interesting. | ||
| I love to watch documentaries. | ||
| I get a little baked. | ||
| Watch documentaries, get nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes me creative, I'll tell you that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I come up with a lot of crazy ideas when I'm high. | ||
| Like, some of my best ideas I come up with when I'm high. | ||
| Let's take a hit and see what happens to you. | ||
| Wanna try it? | ||
| No, I'll touch it. | ||
| No, I'm good, I'm good. | ||
| I feel like if I have that... | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Like, I couldn't drive home. | ||
| Oh, you definitely could. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Just wouldn't go well. | ||
| Nipples will be out. | ||
| Nipples will come out. | ||
| He'll drive right to Melrose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's the store? | |
| Where's the store? | ||
| I bought it right. | ||
| It was right here yesterday. | ||
| I swear I remember it. | ||
| Like, every once in a while we'll do it. | ||
| Just, you know, if it's there, well, me and my wife will... | ||
| Yeah, that's when it's fun. | ||
| You do it, you and the wife, don't get crazy, don't get paranoid. | ||
| Take, like, one hit and you have the best sex ever. | ||
| You, like, rediscover each other. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Especially edibles. | ||
| A little edible. | ||
| Just not... | ||
| Don't get terrified. | ||
| You know, just, you know, have a little peace. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| What's the recommendation? | ||
| What do you, uh... | ||
| I got everything. | ||
| I got it all here. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| Can I get, like, a little, uh... | ||
| How high do you want to get? | ||
| Give me something I could eat with my wife. | ||
| Okay, Jamie. | ||
| Well, after the show, we'll hook them up. | ||
| We got a bunch of stuff here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, people keep giving it to me. | ||
| I got a bunch of good stuff. | ||
| These jambos, he's in the shit right here. | ||
| A whole box of it right here. | ||
| Alright, what's this? | ||
| I got all kinds of things in here. | ||
| What are those? | ||
| Um, awesomeness. | ||
| Yeah, that's for you. | ||
| That's for you. | ||
| Don't get crazy, though. | ||
| Don't eat too much of those healthiest edibles. | ||
| Listen, cookie, though. | ||
| This is the shit, Jambos. | ||
| Oh, they're truffles. | ||
| But, but, but, but, but, I will warn you right now. | ||
| Gentle baby steps. | ||
| Like one? | ||
| Oh, dude, don't even eat the whole thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Just take little bites. | ||
| Find your way. | ||
| Find your way, grasshopper. | ||
| How about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Consume half a truffle for the first time. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| What is that? | ||
| Supercharged butter. | ||
| What do you put this on? | ||
| Toast in the morning? | ||
| Popcorn. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| Put that on your popcorn. | ||
| You fucking go right to Pluto. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, go see Star Wars. | ||
| When the new Star Wars comes out, melt that butter, bring it with you. | ||
| Or just use it and look at the old one. | ||
| I think it's the new one. | ||
| Use that. | ||
| Star Wars will become... | ||
| You'll be like, first of all, this movie is fake as fuck. | ||
| But when you take that home, really, trust me, gentle. | ||
| Gentle meaning like just a nibble. | ||
| Like a fingernail, like a pinky fingernail, like a pinky nail. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's the size piece you want to try. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| I'm not kidding, man. | ||
| These things will fuck you up, man. | ||
| Wow, this is great. | ||
| It has MCT coconut oil in it, and it's grass-fed. | ||
| Well, Jambos is my favorite, because these guys are making, it's all organic, all healthy, no processed sugar, no high fructose corn syrup. | ||
| Everything they make is, like, very good for you and puts you on fucking Pluto! | ||
| Gluten-free, too. | ||
| That's right, bitch. | ||
| No gluten. | ||
| You don't want gluten when you're getting so high you want to die. | ||
| It's the last thing you want to do is be thinking about, I had the gluten. | ||
| I was doing so good. | ||
| I think I'm going to go back to gluten-free. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I get a fucking problem with pasta, dude. | ||
| Well, what's the problem? | ||
| The guinea in me. | ||
| Is it a stomach issue? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it! | |
| No, it makes you fat. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| I'm pretty objective about what happens when I eat food. | ||
| Like some foods have a reaction that I don't necessarily like. | ||
| I don't like the physical reaction. | ||
| Like look, if I eat salads, just like a nice healthy salad and a piece of steak or a piece of meat or a piece of fish, I feel great. | ||
| I have no problems. | ||
| But if I eat like a big bowl of pasta, like I'm a sucker for like linguine with clams, That brick in my stomach. | ||
| It feels awesome when it's going down. | ||
| When I'm eating it, I'm like... | ||
| I can barely breathe. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| It's so good! | ||
| It's so good! | ||
| But after it's over, you're just like... | ||
| With your body, your fucking insulin spiking, and your body's trying to process all that dough that's sitting in the bottom of your stomach, and your body just turns it into straight sugar. | ||
| I mean, you might as well be eating bowls of sugar when you eat a big plate of pasta. | ||
| No, I had a sensitivity test, like a blood sensitivity, and I have a sensitivity to those products. | ||
| And when I do eat it, it's a problem. | ||
| Listen, I was eating cheese, breads, pasta for years. | ||
| It had bloatedness, and I don't mean to get gas like you wouldn't believe, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I just thought, alright, this is part of aging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Just ripping them and going, okay, this is what happens when you become 40. So I went to get the test and I eliminated it out of the diet. | ||
| I dropped some weight and I don't have that You know, like you're saying, you have a nice salad, nice steak. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| You don't feel exhausted, but I have a bowl of pasta. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| I'm napping. | ||
| It's so good, though. | ||
| Bread is so good. | ||
| When you go to an Italian restaurant and they come with that bread, they get that basket of bread and the butter. | ||
| Unlimited breadsticks. | ||
| And the fucking olive oil. | ||
| Oh, forget it. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| But it's just so bad for you. | ||
| I mean, it's not the worst shit in the world for you, but I think I'm going to give myself just a cheat day a week, and then for the rest of the week, I think I'm just avoiding gluten from now on. | ||
| Well, just I'm going to avoid breads and processed sugars. | ||
| I just work out so much, and I take such good care of my body that those things, that when I do those things, I'm going to limit my alcohol consumption to one day a week. | ||
| I've cut mine in half in the last two weeks. | ||
| So like 50, 60 drinks a week now? | ||
| 70 to 80 drinks. | ||
| What's your drink? | ||
| You got like a go-to? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Turkey, ginger. | ||
| Wild turkey. | ||
| Wild turkey and ginger ale? | ||
| That's your shit? | ||
| Yeah, ginger ale helps with the stomach. | ||
| It's not a bad drink. | ||
| Let's get a drink right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| God, it sounds... | ||
| I'm going the other way. | ||
| I'm just gonna drink till I die. | ||
| I'm gonna go Bukowski style. | ||
| Just fucking get a big fat booty. | ||
| I was going there for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you? | |
| Yeah, I was just, you know, deep drinking. | ||
| You gotta get off the cancer sticks, kid. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But drinking was way more, like, I've been destroying myself drinking, like, the last six months. | ||
| Is it just hanging out at the store? | ||
| Hanging out at the store, you know, just the shit I've been dealing with, I'm just like, fuck it, I'm just going all in drinking. | ||
| Being out of it, what's really nice is waking up though and just going, oh yeah, I don't have a hangover. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| I thought that this morning. | ||
| I've been waking up at 7 in the morning. | ||
| This morning I woke up, got the girls ready for school, and then took a yoga class and I feel like a winner. | ||
| I just feel like I'm fucking productive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why ruin that? | |
| Why ruin that with beverages at night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It's hard, though, at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I just stopped going to the Comedy Store half the time now. | ||
| Yeah, you know what, though, man? | ||
| I go and smoke a little weed and drink water. | ||
| I do that, you know? | ||
| Because the weed just doesn't affect, especially those vapor pens. | ||
| I love vapor pens now. | ||
| That's my new way to do it. | ||
| Me too, man. | ||
| No coughing, no nothing, no weirdness, and the ones that fucking Gino has from LA Speedweed? | ||
| Jesus, that man has good products. | ||
| I just did a Playboy interview for him, or with him, for his business, and he showed me all his new products. | ||
| He has these pins where, you know, rechargeable batteries, and you just buy a new tank, and it's 500 hits per tank, and I think he said it was like 40 bucks or something. | ||
| It's so much better, and you can just do it in public because it doesn't smell like weed. | ||
| It smells like strawberries. | ||
| Yeah, it smells like strawberries. | ||
| It's got some that smell like strawberries. | ||
| People think you're smoking some sort of a tobacco product. | ||
| And the glass tips that he sells, once you go glass tip, it's really hard to go back to those little paper ones. | ||
| It's like you start getting spoiled. | ||
| Glass tips. | ||
| Let me tell you something about glass tips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I grew up in fucking Northburg in New Jersey, there was no glass tips, cocksucker. | |
| You took your fucking weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When the weed came your way, you took what you got. | |
| Fucking kids and their glass tips. | ||
| I got a glass tip. | ||
| I'll stick it right up your ass. | ||
| Your fucking glass tips. | ||
| Nothing like doing an interview, though, with a publication like Playboy and then being so stoned, though, that halfway through you're just like, huh? | ||
| What did I talk about? | ||
| Did you get stoned before you did the Culture High, before you did that interview? | ||
| Yeah, all of them, yeah. | ||
| I was sick before I did the Culture High interview. | ||
| When I listen to it now, I'm like, wow, my voice is all fucked up. | ||
| I was flying from gig to gig. | ||
| I was in Edmonton doing stand-up. | ||
| When I did that. | ||
| That's a great documentary though. | ||
| Yeah, I just re-watched it the other day. | ||
| That guy, Adam Scorgy, he knows what the fuck... | ||
| And Brett, they know what they're doing. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's called The Culture High. | ||
| Culture High. | ||
| Yeah, it's about... | ||
| Well, they did this documentary called The Union, which is all about the business of marijuana in British Columbia and how it's such a part of the economy. | ||
| If you pulled weed out of British Columbia, the economy would fall apart. | ||
| Like Vancouver, like that area, is almost entirely dependent upon weed. | ||
| It's a staple of their economy. | ||
| And if you pulled it out of there, like the money, they would be fucked. | ||
| And it just showed, it highlighted the silliness about marijuana illegalization. | ||
| Like how crazy it is that grown adults can't have this one drug that has zero side effects. | ||
| Doesn't kill anybody. | ||
| This one drug that has all these medical benefits, this one drug that helps all these kids with autism and people with wasting disease and glaucoma, intraocular pressure reliever, all these different things that it does for you and it's illegal. | ||
| But then, you know, look at all the stuff that is legal and how all the side effects of all the shit that marijuana would replace. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| Well, they went into it way deeper with the culture high, and the culture high just showed how fucking insane it is and how much bullshit is being spread about what addiction really is. | ||
| Like, people say that weed is addictive, which is why I got so mad at fucking Dr. Drew. | ||
| Like, all this addiction nonsense. | ||
| There's no physical addiction properties in marijuana. | ||
| It just doesn't exist. | ||
| What the addiction is is the same addiction that you would have if you were addicted to anything, whether it's gambling or jerking off or fucking people are addicted to all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| Those thrill seekers like that kid that was on that skateboard, guarantee that kid's addicted to adrenaline. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, when you see the people, though, that smoke the marijuana where they're like having a joint and they have a second joint ready just for it, if they didn't have joints, it would have been something else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So that's not... | ||
| How many people do we know that are like that with food? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We know guys that are like that with food, that literally they will stuff their fucking faces until they die. | ||
| They just get addicted to food. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| They pass by a jack-in-the-box. | ||
| They can't help it. | ||
| They find themselves in that drive-in. | ||
| Their heart rate is increasing. | ||
| And they start ordering food. | ||
| They know they shouldn't eat. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| People get addicted to shit. | ||
| It's just a part of being a person. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Taking that away from people is just stupid. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| If you want to, you know, you want to fucking go pole vaulting, you want to walk on a tightrope, you can do it. | ||
| You can do all that stuff. | ||
| Do whatever you want to do. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Open and free. | ||
| You want to take a little cookie dough, a little fingernail, do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Careful. | |
| Be careful with that though. | ||
| I don't want to see you in a week from now. | ||
| The way you're talking about this, I ain't doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta do it. | |
| Because my fingernail might be longer than yours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your fingernail. | |
| I'll have a little bit and I'll be convulsing in my driveway. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| I've just been real nervous for a while. | ||
| A couple hours. | ||
| I took a candy flip the other day by mistake. | ||
| I didn't know it was a candy flip. | ||
| I thought it was just ecstasy. | ||
| But it was acid and ecstasy. | ||
| And wow. | ||
| I highly recommend that. | ||
| That is cool. | ||
| Don't tell that to the kids. | ||
| What about the children, Brian? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| See, that's another thing. | ||
| How come that's not legal? | ||
| How come what you did is illegal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There should be places where you can go and you could legally candy flip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, there's doctors there, padded walls, the whole deal. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| What a great combo, having hallucinogens with something that makes your body feel amazing. | ||
| I mean, I just sat there and soaked in the girl the whole time, and we're just like... | ||
| That's great. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| See? | ||
| Hey, I'm learning stuff left and right. | ||
| Candy flip? | ||
| You never heard about that? | ||
| I don't live in these circles. | ||
| Come on, what circles do you live in? | ||
| A bunch of waders? | ||
| Sitting around talking about nipple shirts? | ||
| Furniture shopping with dice. | ||
| It's the best thing you could do with your wife or girlfriend because it's just like truth serum and then you add the acid to it and now it's like you're in Alice in Wonderland. | ||
| I can't do this, man. | ||
| Too much? | ||
| Too much truth? | ||
| Too much. | ||
| And it's just too much going on. | ||
| I've always had a fear of doing any of these things because I feel the time I do it, my body reacts to it and people are going to go, we've never seen this happen before with a candy flip. | ||
| Guy's foaming at the mouth and he's losing blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've always had that fear, so I don't do any of it. | |
| I just have a nice cabernet. | ||
| That's my candy flip. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That's the end of that. | ||
| If you get crazy, you'll take a shot of Jack? | ||
| I like Patron. | ||
| Tequila. | ||
| Very smooth, especially when it's cold. | ||
| Yeah, that's about as far as I go. | ||
| No Coke? | ||
| No, never did it. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Why did you always talk about your fingernails then? | ||
| How did you know that then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| I saw his fingernail. | ||
| Mine's longer. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's Coke now. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| My fingernail is a little bit longer. | ||
| Could be a little longer. | ||
| No, I've never done it. | ||
| I did... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did I do? | |
| I did mushrooms once in college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only once? | |
| Yeah, and I don't know what was going on. | ||
| I had a full... | ||
| I was freaking out, and people had to talk me down. | ||
| I don't know what was going on. | ||
| So I was like, this ain't for me. | ||
| You ate too much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they gave me it in a sandwich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the guy, apparently when you first do this stuff, you're supposed to do it with somebody. | ||
| And the guy left me. | ||
| And I was the president of my fraternity at the time. | ||
| So I'm walking around the house and the alumni is going, what's going on with the chapter? | ||
| Why are we in debt? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Sweating. | ||
| And I had to go back to my room and by myself was in the room hoping that this kind of would end because I thought I was going to be this way for the rest of my life. | ||
| That's where I was. | ||
| So I was like, I ain't doing this. | ||
| This ain't for me. | ||
| And ever since then, a little wine. | ||
| A little Cabernet. | ||
| A little Cabernet. | ||
| And we'll call it a night. | ||
| I'll do a jambo with my wife maybe on vacation. | ||
| We'll see how this does. | ||
| You guys can have a little bit of that. | ||
| Just take a half. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't listen to him. | ||
| This is a good measurement. | ||
| The top of a USB stick. | ||
| That metal piece, that's the standard. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| Nothing bigger than that. | ||
| Look at that and chop that off. | ||
| Cut that off. | ||
| Cut that size of a piece off. | ||
| And then take a little time. | ||
| Like, give it an hour and a half. | ||
| And then if you feel like, I can go deeper. | ||
| Then take one and a half of those. | ||
| Just don't get crazy. | ||
| Where people fuck up is they go too deep and then they never want to do it again. | ||
| They miss all the benefits. | ||
| Girls that don't smoke weed usually have, oh, every time I smoke, I have a panic attack. | ||
| How much do you smoke? | ||
| Oh, like a joint? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, why didn't you just have one hit? | ||
| If you don't smoke weed and you get into this California shit that Gino's pushing, woo! | ||
| But it's a psychedelic. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I mean, this new marijuana, in the right dose, is absolutely a psychedelic, especially if you eat it. | ||
| I see some insane shit in my tank. | ||
| When I eat the weed, I get the wild, wild visualizations. | ||
| I mean, it might as well be on mushrooms. | ||
| You know, the combination of the sensory deprivation tank and then the weed together... | ||
| No yoga, Sebastian? | ||
| No nothing? | ||
| You're fit. | ||
| You look like a fit guy. | ||
| I keep in shape, but I'd like to get into yoga. | ||
| The older I get, the more I think I should get into yoga. | ||
| I have severe back problems. | ||
| It'll help tremendously. | ||
| I've heard. | ||
| It's great for the back. | ||
| My posture. | ||
| I'm slumping. | ||
| I feel like I'm devolving. | ||
| Do you live in the city? | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| I live in West Hollywood area. | ||
| Yeah, there's a great, uh, that Bikram's yoga on La Cienega, that's the Bikram, that crazy fucker who's, um, like, he's always been charged with, like, sexual assault and all kinds of weird shit. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck the guy did or didn't do, but highly regarded as a yoga instructor. | ||
| Supposed to be kind of a... | ||
| Kind of douchey human. | ||
| That's the heat? | ||
| The hot yoga? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I do. | ||
| I do that stuff. | ||
| You know, one of the reasons why I do it is because Rhonda Patrick, the doctor that I have on the podcast a bunch of times, she talks about the benefits of sauna, about heat shock, like heat shock proteins. | ||
| And when your body heats up like that, there's a compensatory response that your body's like, holy shit, we're dying. | ||
| We have to produce something to deal with this. | ||
| And that... | ||
| That response, I guarantee you that's a similar thing to what you get when you do hot yoga. | ||
| Because when I do that shit, I'm high for like the rest of the day. | ||
| It sucks while you're doing it, man. | ||
| Whatever bitch you have in you, that fucking last 15-20 minutes of yoga class will pull it out. | ||
| Because that's the hardest, one of the hardest things I do. | ||
| Like it's an hour and a half class, the last 15-20 minutes, I am fucking sweating like a pig. | ||
| I'm overheating like crazy. | ||
| But when you get out of there, you feel like you really did something. | ||
| And you feel great. | ||
| You feel like loose and pliable. | ||
| Yeah, I need that. | ||
| I need that pliability. | ||
| I feel tight. | ||
| Yeah, especially as you get older. | ||
| Does it smell like butt in there, though? | ||
| Is there just butts everywhere? | ||
| No. | ||
| I try to keep to myself. | ||
| Stick my nose in people's asses. | ||
| It smells like housewives, mostly. | ||
| Housewives are tougher than you think, dude. | ||
| Oh, there's some pretty girls. | ||
| Yeah, pretty girls do yoga. | ||
| That's one of the benefits of it. | ||
| Get something to look at. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get into more alternative type of stuff. | ||
| I mean, you know, I'm still going to the gym. | ||
| Lifting the weights. | ||
| Stretching is so important. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| How old are you now? | ||
| 42. Yeah, see, as you get older, that is the one thing that really fucks with you is flexibility. | ||
| Spinal flexibility is a big one. | ||
| Mobility. | ||
| You know and a lot of people they don't work on that it's not fun You know it's fun to go and do some curls and then look at yourself You know that's fun. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not easy doing yoga. | ||
| Would you do yoga? | ||
| Yeah, I like yoga. | ||
| I wouldn't do hot yoga though. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I just don't like it. | ||
| I did hot yoga once with my ex like a long time ago. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| It was just miserable. | ||
| Yeah, that's the point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not supposed to be fun. | ||
| I think regular yoga though would be fine, but I don't know. | ||
| Sweat out the candy flick. | ||
| How come you don't do it? | ||
| But if you, like, in an ideal world, if you could step outside yourself, if you were, like, giving yourself advice, and you were like, you know, Brian Redband, you need to get your shit together. | ||
| I'm going to help you, and this is what I'm going to prescribe. | ||
| What would you prescribe that you should do? | ||
| Move from L.A. Move from L.A.? Why would you move from L.A.? It's hard living here. | ||
| It's very stressful to live here. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Money-wise and stuff like that. | ||
| Paying bills and... | ||
| Well, you're irresponsible. | ||
| I'm super irresponsible. | ||
| You don't pay your taxes. | ||
| You blow every penny you have. | ||
| There's a lot of issues with you that have nothing to do with the cost of living in Burbank. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, having like DeskWad Studio and all that, that's like $2,000 a month that I'm just fucking throwing away. | ||
| Why does that cost so much? | ||
| Rent, insurance, internet, all the crap that goes with it. | ||
| Why don't you have ads on your podcast? | ||
| Like, what is wrong with you? | ||
| That seems so silly. | ||
| That would fix all that like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I don't have a staff. | ||
| I have nobody. | ||
| You don't need a staff to get ads? | ||
| I need a staff to work out deals and to make sure things happen and things like that. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You get an agent. | ||
| There's podcast agents now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I have none of that, though. | ||
| But that's easy to get. | ||
| There's podcast agents. | ||
| If you have a certain amount of downloads per month, there's people that have less downloads than you that get agents. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm sure it's easy. | ||
| It's just that right now, it's just like, oh, so much stress with other things going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta take care of your fucking house. | ||
| Keep your house in order, son. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| You hate what? | ||
| Discipline? | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| I hate all this work. | ||
| It's like, I want to be creative. | ||
| I don't want to be filing papers and doing all this crap. | ||
| This guy was a fucking waitress. | ||
| I know what this nipple is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a waitress until 2005. I used to do the same thing. | |
| I waited for 11 years. | ||
| Why don't you do enough? | ||
| So great. | ||
| Well, no, like what I was saying, it's actually relaxing. | ||
| That's very fun because you sleep with everyone that works at the restaurant. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| When you're a waiter, you just pretty much hang out with those people. | ||
| It's like having a different family, like a comedy family, like you said. | ||
| I've done that for a while, but that's a different life, though. | ||
| It's basic. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| That's a nice basic life instead of having to deal with all this crap that I'm doing. | ||
| Well, I mean, there's nothing wrong. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong getting a job, supplementing your income while you're being creative, right? | ||
| For me, it allowed me to do a lot of things that I probably couldn't if I was just relying on comedy. | ||
| Comedy income. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| It's a fucking grind, man. | ||
| It's a grind, the early days especially. | ||
| I used to deliver newspapers. | ||
| That was my gig. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I'd get up every morning. | ||
| That's when I lived in Boston. | ||
| The problem with that is you can't go on the road because you can't leave because you have to do the road. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's a lot of different fucking gigs that you can get as a struggling comedian in L.A., you know? | ||
| Especially now. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of opportunities out there for... | ||
| I mean, I think if Uber was around when I was coming up, I definitely would have been an Uber driver, and I would have kept my car unbelievably clean. | ||
| I always used to take pride in cleaning my car, just the way it smelled, vacuuming, nice. | ||
| You don't do that now? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I constantly do it. | ||
| Everything is clean. | ||
| You're a clean guy, huh? | ||
| I like being clean. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just grew up in this house where, you know, everything had to be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plastic on the furniture? | |
| No, we weren't that... | ||
| No, I'm telling you, my uncles and aunts, they lived in the basement with the plastic. | ||
| Not my house. | ||
| My house, you could go wherever you wanted to go, but it was clean. | ||
| How did that ever happen, the plastic on the furniture in the Italian houses? | ||
| You don't use it. | ||
| They got kitchens that they don't use. | ||
| Upstairs, it's a showpiece. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what is that? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| I don't know, because you go to Italy, they ain't living in the basement. | ||
| They're using whatever they got. | ||
| Apparently they came here, and now there's two kitchens. | ||
| There's one upstairs, and there's one downstairs. | ||
| I had an aunt. | ||
| You walk in, you didn't even go up. | ||
| They had like a rope. | ||
| You couldn't even go into that kitchen upstairs. | ||
| She had a rope? | ||
| Rope. | ||
| Like a line at a club? | ||
| Yeah, almost like a velvet rope that they hooked that you couldn't even get into that area. | ||
| He went right downstairs and then they lived right in the basement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So, I don't know what it was. | ||
| How strange. | ||
| It was strange. | ||
| And the whole thing with the uncle, my uncle really taught me how to be clean. | ||
| That was the whole thing. | ||
| He always kept his car immaculate and I was fascinated by it. | ||
| Just fascinating. | ||
| What kind of car? | ||
| He drove a Cadillac. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And how he used to make it smell good was he used to take a little towel, cut it into squares, and then roll up the little squares, put them in cologne, and let that marinate overnight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Then in the morning... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is it! | |
| And then he took it and he put it in the vents of the car underneath, right? | ||
| And then when he put the air or the heat on, your car threw out the car. | ||
| That's so stinky! | ||
| That stuff is so nasty! | ||
| This is 80s. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's so fucking funny. | ||
| So I was just to be fascinated how I used to keep things. | ||
| Everything was very meticulous. | ||
| So to this day, I kind of like to keep my car clean. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Come on, don't you? | ||
| I mean, I see you pull up and you've got a nice clean car. | ||
| It's filled with shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of the cars. | |
| Some of my cars are clean. | ||
| The Corvette's always clean. | ||
| Your uncle was ahead of his time, because they have new cars now that actually have that as an option. | ||
| They have a scent that you can plug in, like the new BMW 7 Series has several different scents, and you turn them on, and they slowly filter into the cars. | ||
| Yeah, they have, like, a woodsy scent. | ||
| But meanwhile, how much cancer are you getting from that stuff? | ||
| Breathing in some fucking fake smell that they pumped into your lungs. | ||
| If you can smell it in, you're inhaling it. | ||
| That's a great idea, though. | ||
| It is a great idea. | ||
| As long as it doesn't kill you, it's a great idea. | ||
| It's probably just the same stuff that they spray in, like, the car wash when you went. | ||
| New car, cherry... | ||
| Yeah, maybe, but the problem is it's going through the vents, so it's in the air. | ||
| I would like to have a particle analysis of what that stuff is actually doing. | ||
| I like the smell of leather. | ||
| I like the smell of a new car, like the new leather smell. | ||
| I don't need forest smells. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unicorn farts. | ||
| I don't need that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Daisies. | |
| It smells like daisies. | ||
| What, am I outside or am I inside? | ||
| I'm in the car, right? | ||
| If I want to smell daisies, I'll go sit in a daisy field. | ||
| Daisies even smell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Daisies, yeah. | |
| Do they? | ||
| They smell good. | ||
| Anyway, anything else to add, Sebastian? | ||
| Anything else to add? | ||
| No, I don't know anybody that died from smelling your car. | ||
| That sounds so gross, though. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of rape victims that will argue... | ||
| Argue against that. | ||
| I had that stuff for a while. | ||
| Again, why did I have it? | ||
| Because I was trying to get laid. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| So you no longer wear cologne? | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| What do you wear? | ||
| Do you wear a dracar? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm a fucking man. | ||
| I smell like a man. | ||
| You smell like a man. | ||
| So cologne is not manly? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
| No, it's like perfume. | ||
| It's guy perfume. | ||
| It's just a little hint. | ||
| I've often heard this. | ||
| You're not going to like this. | ||
| Put a little cologne on your hand, right? | ||
| Shake somebody's hand. | ||
| It's like your business card. | ||
| They go home. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Is that her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That's disgusting. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| Somebody told me, put a little cologne on your hands. | ||
| Tell that person they're an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to do that. | |
| I'm going to start doing that. | ||
| That person's fucking crazy. | ||
| You don't want to do that. | ||
| People stink. | ||
| That's why people come home and they're like, why do you smell like that? | ||
| Oh, I shook Sebastian's hand. | ||
| Give him Knuckles. | ||
| From now on, only Knuckles. | ||
| That's how Howie Mandela got started with Knuckles. | ||
| Somebody snuck him a Sebastian Drakkar handshake. | ||
| Sebastian business card. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| So for your website, what's your website? | ||
| SebastianLive.com. | ||
| SebastianLive.com. | ||
| You on the road anytime soon? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire this Friday. | ||
| Oh shit, the casino? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got a casino up there? | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| That's a fun gig. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Can't wait to do it. | ||
| I saw George Carlin there. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah, when I was an open-miker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Foxwoods? | ||
| You doing Foxwoods too? | ||
| That will make you want to jump through a fucking window. | ||
| That's a terrible gig. | ||
| That Foxwoods is rough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a dark, dark crowd. | |
| SebastianComedy.com? | ||
| SebastianComedy. | ||
| SebastianLive.com and Pete and Sebastian Show. | ||
| We got a little podcast that we do as well. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know you had a... | ||
| Who are you here with? | ||
| Pete Correale. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| SebastianComedy on Twitter. | ||
| And Brian's show is tonight at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Again, Jim Florentine, Dom Herrera, Ben Glebe, Steve Agee. | ||
| Dean Del Rey, Brian Moses, Brian Redband, Mike Lawrence, Tony Hinchcliffe, Mark Saratella, and two secret guests. | ||
| And that's it, you fucks. | ||
| We'll see you guys next week, and bye-bye. |
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