Aug. 19, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:20:23
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| *crickets* We're live Good googly moogly, Jeff Ross. | ||
| Push that fucker up to your face and say hello to the world. | ||
| Hello, world. | ||
| Are you taking off the... | ||
| No headphones for you? | ||
| You're a rebel. | ||
| You're a rebel. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| You look great, buddy. | ||
| You look great as well, fellow black belt in Taekwondo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I saw a picture of you when you were a little kid. | ||
| Somebody posted it up on my message board. | ||
| What are you, like the youngest black belt in New Jersey or something crazy like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Second, yep. | ||
| Second in the country. | ||
| You fucking savage. | ||
| You were dropping some knowledge about all of this. | ||
| We started the podcast up quickly. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Badass little kid. | ||
| I never knew that. | ||
| I'm ten and a half in that picture. | ||
| Karate chomping bitches. | ||
| Am I still a black belt, Joe, technically, if it doesn't fit around my waist anymore? | ||
| You are. | ||
| You have earned it. | ||
| Whether or not you're at black belt level or not, that's debatable. | ||
| But you have earned your black belt. | ||
| So you are a black belt. | ||
| It's like a Marine. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Once you go back, you never go back. | ||
| We started the podcast up abruptly because we were talking about... | ||
| Wait, one question for you. | ||
| How do you think being a black belt has affected your comedy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| None. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I don't think I would have the confidence to talk shit if I didn't get a black belt early on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It probably helps something. | ||
| Come on, of course. | ||
| For sure, in that way. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| Well, it definitely helps, like, you not be worried about confrontation as much. | ||
| Well, at least, yeah. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It's like having that, uh... | ||
| What do they have around Israel? | ||
| Cone of silence? | ||
| No. | ||
| The, uh... | ||
| A dome, something dome. | ||
| They have a dome in Israel? | ||
| Yeah, it's like a defense system. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So you have a defense system. | ||
| In place. | ||
| It might be a little rusty and a little, you know, in need of some tune-up, but it's there. | ||
| Well, anybody that would, most of the time, anybody that would hackle you or think about attacking you, usually they're so fucking stupid. | ||
| Like the vast majority of hecklers are so goddamn dumb. | ||
| But I've been around so many people that can kick my ass, I don't feel very confident. | ||
| You know, working for the UFC, I'm just constantly around people that could just fuck me up anytime. | ||
| I don't feel very confident, like with regular people maybe, but just I'm too humbled by my job. | ||
| I've been working with a bunch of fighters. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What have you been doing with him? | ||
| Joe Daddy? | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
| Stevenson. | ||
| Yeah, Joe Stevenson. | ||
| He's the mentor and fighting coach for the show Kingdom. | ||
| This is all about MMA fighters. | ||
| An underground scene. | ||
| That's that DirecTV show, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Isn't Callen on that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Brian Callen's on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool that DirecTV's doing their own programming. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| There's so many different avenues for programming now. | ||
| It's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| They make the show, and then they show the show, and now it's on iTunes. | ||
| And I'm on the next season. | ||
| It's a cool thing, because... | ||
| It's fun to see the fight world get dramatized. | ||
| It's like Friday Night Lights for... | ||
| For fights? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Are they good scenes, though? | ||
| Very realistic. | ||
| Of course, as a fan, you're going to... | ||
| Fans would roll their eyes and go, how realistic could it be? | ||
| I've only been to one fight. | ||
| It was the one you and Ari invited me to. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| In Vancouver a few years back. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I have to think of who was fighting there. | ||
| Might have been Turner. | ||
| That sounds like... | ||
| I think it was Jon Jones. | ||
| Was it Jon Jones? | ||
| I can't remember, man. | ||
| Jon... | ||
| John Jones and Gustafson? | ||
| Was that Vancouver? | ||
| My jaw was dropping at the blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| I had never been. | ||
| So now these fight scenes, we shoot at night, so it's very realistic, and it's surprisingly authentic. | ||
| It's all real fighters and boxers fighting the actors on this show. | ||
| Nick Jonas... | ||
| Music superstar. | ||
| One of the Jonas Brothers on the show? | ||
| Not one of the Jonas Brothers. | ||
| Like, the guy who's got the number one music career right now is also playing a fighter, and he's a total badass. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It sounds crazy, but he's ripped. | ||
| He's in these scenes for six, seven hours a night, two, three nights in a row, shooting just the fight scenes. | ||
| Then the next day, or all day, he's got to do, like, actual dramatic acting, but... | ||
| The fights are really well done. | ||
| They're raw. | ||
| People get hurt. | ||
| There's a lot of real blood mixed with the acting blood, you know? | ||
| So this is him right here? | ||
| Look at this fucking stud. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| I was so impressed. | ||
| Looks like TJ Wahlberger. | ||
| I play a sleazy promoter that hires him even though he's on a medical leave from fighting. | ||
| He's a handsome bastard. | ||
| Does he actually know martial arts? | ||
| He is very believable as a fighter. | ||
| Like, some of the fighters said he's as good... | ||
| Joe Daddy actually told me this. | ||
| I don't know if I'm supposed to... | ||
| But he thinks he's as good as some of the fighters that they have come train him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That if he was fighting, he would beat this guy, for real. | ||
| Like, he was doing a scene the other night, and that's what Joe Daddy said. | ||
| What's that gay scene right there? | ||
| Right there. | ||
| What's going on right there? | ||
| That looks like... | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| They're playing brothers. | ||
| They're brothers. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It's time to get underhooks. | ||
| Dude, fight them off. | ||
| Get that right underhook. | ||
| It's a very intense show. | ||
| There's a lot of tears and... | ||
| What's that guy got? | ||
| A lot of drugs and fucking. | ||
| Are those tattoos on his arm or is he just like really in a tape? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's a new thing, bro. | ||
| I duct tape up before I leave my house, bro. | ||
| I think he's taped up. | ||
| It's a bad technique right there. | ||
| I'm getting a little upset at that rear naked choke technique. | ||
| What's he doing with his right hand? | ||
| Why isn't it behind the guy's head? | ||
| You are not watching a sanctioned clip from the show. | ||
| I'm watching some... | ||
| This is what I do when I'm fucking. | ||
| I think you're watching this too long and we should start questioning your sexuality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how many of your guests have done that, but... | |
| I don't quite sink the choke in. | ||
| That's how I fuck. | ||
| You've started by staring at Nick Jonas getting choked out for almost three minutes now. | ||
| Hypnotized. | ||
| It's like one of those fucking clocks. | ||
| Tick, tock, tick, tock. | ||
| Have you ever been hypnotized? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got hypnotized recently for the first time ever. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| Yeah, this guy who, Vinny Shorman, has been on the podcast. | ||
| He hypnotized a lot of fighters. | ||
| He's like kind of a mind coach. | ||
| Knows a lot about like how to eliminate barriers that people have set up. | ||
| Fucking send them to you, buddy. | ||
| Kick this fucking cigarette habit and get you on the road to recovery! | ||
| But, um, it's very interesting. | ||
| Because when you get hypnotized, you're aware of what's going on. | ||
| You're totally aware. | ||
| But you're definitely in some sort of fucking weird dreamland. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| Were you completely sober? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, 100% sober. | ||
| Sitting on the couch. | ||
| Was it just an adventure, or were you trying to cure something? | ||
| Well, I'm curious, because I wanted to know what... | ||
| Because I know a lot of fighters have used it and had very good results. | ||
| Like, it's alleviated a lot of anxiety with them, given them a lot of confidence, and they've attributed it to a lot of their positive performances. | ||
| It's not foolproof. | ||
| Better man always wins every time. | ||
| You know, and sometimes fighters who don't have a mind coach will still beat fighters that have a mind coach. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| All things said, if you add all the different things that a fighter has to be aware of, you have to be in shape, you have to know your techniques, you have to be motivated. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff going on in a fighter's head that has to be lined up properly. | ||
| And a mind coach, not a bad idea. | ||
| Having someone who can hypnotize you and give you tenets to live by and pathways that you could follow that are positive, I think that's fucking super important for anybody, for fighters, for anybody. | ||
| So I just wanted to try it. | ||
| I wanted to see if what it does for fighting can actually do for stand-up. | ||
| Did you trust this guy? | ||
| Did you know this hypnotist? | ||
| Like, he didn't put in any crazy things that you'd make chicken noises? | ||
| No. | ||
| Bop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, it wasn't like, you know, take your pants off, suck my dick. | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| I know it wasn't, because I was awake the whole time. | ||
| Like, you're awake. | ||
| It's a weird feeling, man. | ||
| It's like you're listening to him, but it's almost like you're in a room and he's coming in over a loudspeaker and your eyes are closed. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| Is there anything you could compare it to? | ||
| Is it like yoga? | ||
| Is it like... | ||
| No, it's like a little bit like something that might happen in a sensory deprivation tank, because it seems like you go into this weird alternate state. | ||
| And that's sort of how he describes it, that you're actually entering into an alternate state of consciousness, like a different mind state. | ||
| Very, very interesting stuff. | ||
| I was always curious, because you ever seen a R-rated hypnotist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys that are really good. | ||
| You ever see Frank Santos when he was around? | ||
| I remember him in Boston. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| He was the best, that guy. | ||
| It seemed creepy to me, like he had the hottest wife imaginable, and he looked like a... | ||
| A frog. | ||
| Yeah, he knocked it out of the park. | ||
| He was a great guy, though. | ||
| I just kept looking at her, trying to think of whatever the code word was to snap her out of it. | ||
| Code word is pickles. | ||
| Randomly, graham crackers, just to see. | ||
| She's like, what are you... | ||
| I'm married to who? | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Wait, I was at a corporate party. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| No, married to a hypnotist? | ||
| He would have guys come in their pants all the time. | ||
| This is back when Madonna was hot. | ||
| It was like the 1980s. | ||
| And he had some guy and the guy was like doing push-ups on stage. | ||
| And he told him, now Madonna's underneath you and she's naked and you're having sex with her. | ||
| And you could see the guy literally think he was having sex with Madonna and he would come. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Are you going to have more sessions? | ||
| I would do it again. | ||
| I would definitely do it again. | ||
| The hypnotizing thing. | ||
| I think I would do it again. | ||
| Vinny lives in England, so he's only here occasionally. | ||
| But if I found someone that was good, that was in this area, I would do it. | ||
| I think there's something... | ||
| You could videotape it though, right? | ||
| I'd be so creeped out. | ||
| I'm not scared. | ||
| Periscope that shit at least. | ||
| All these people watching it from their phones in their car, fall asleep at the wheel and drive out in traffic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll fall asleep along with me. | |
| Wait, why hasn't a TV show, if hypnotism does exist, and it's true, why hasn't a TV show done that? | ||
| Have a 15 minute opening where they just hypnotize everyone that's watching it? | ||
| It's a good idea, actually. | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| That's how the Jonestown Massacre started. | ||
| You know what, Skype hypnotizing is a way a cult, you could get a group of people to sacrifice themselves. | ||
| He does stuff over Skype. | ||
| There's probably laws, there should be anti-hypnotism laws for more than small groups of people. | ||
| I don't know if it works like that. | ||
| What if Hitler was just a hypnotist and he had those big crowds? | ||
| He's like, fuck it. | ||
| Don't you think that when you're on stage and you're killing, when you're locked in, don't you think that's kind of like sort of a mass hypnosis in a lot of ways? | ||
| Don't you feel like that? | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I never thought about it that way, but I could see that. | ||
| You know how like when you're in the middle of your material and you're locked in, you're tuned into the audience, the audience is tuned into you, and they're kind of thinking like you're thinking. | ||
| I feel that way when I watch somebody. | ||
| If I watch somebody really good, like I watched Burr the other night, he was hilarious. | ||
| And I feel like when you watch someone as really good, you're tuning in to what they do. | ||
| Like, you're in their head. | ||
| Like, they're in your head, I guess, more. | ||
| And like, you're just kind of like an empty vessel, and your brain is filled up with their ideas. | ||
| And when someone's captivating, especially like Diaz the other night, had this fucking Cosby bit that was killing me. | ||
| Fucking killing me. | ||
| And when he's doing it, you're thinking the way he thinks. | ||
| Like, your eyes are open, you're anticipating what he's going to say. | ||
| You don't have any room in your head for anything else. | ||
| Like, you're thinking the way he's thinking. | ||
| He's inside your head. | ||
| He's hypnotized the entire crowd. | ||
| He's taking you for a ride. | ||
| Even if you didn't believe weren't with him, now you are. | ||
| Yeah, he's taking you for a ride. | ||
| He's taking you for a ride. | ||
| In a lot of ways, he's on the same ride. | ||
| I always feel that way, too. | ||
| I've always said this, that when I'm at my best, I'm as much of a passenger as I am a driver. | ||
| I kind of have to make the turns and steer the car and figure out which way the bits are going to go, but when I'm locked in, I feel like I'm just riding it. | ||
| I just have to get out of my own way. | ||
| Don't you feel like that? | ||
| I can understand being on a roll and not thinking, how's this going or what should I do? | ||
| Just talking. | ||
| As if you're talking to your buddy in the backseat of your car. | ||
| Well, especially your style, too, because you like to fuck with people. | ||
| And so when you're fucking with people, you're coming out of nowhere. | ||
| I mean, you're just pulling them out of the universe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember hearing once how important... | ||
| There was an article a long time ago, maybe it was in a book, about late-night hosts, and you have to listen. | ||
| As soon as I stopped trying to think of jokes and just started to listen and trust that whatever I said would be entertaining in some way, eventually if I just stay in it and just listen to the other person... | ||
| If a funny character is presented in front of me, if someone's boring, you might have to try to... | ||
| Write a joke on the spot in your head, but if they're an interesting person, you could just talk to them and eventually it's gonna land on something funny. | ||
| Yeah, that is a problem with some comics is that they're so in their own head that they don't listen to the person they're talking to. | ||
| I had a lady on stage in Chicago and so speed roasting the crowd and gosh, she was like a really round person With a crazy yellow mohawk way over the top, and she was tiny little thing, | ||
| but built like a little mailbox with a big mouth and just a funny, funny body, and she came on, just threw herself up on stage, wanted to be roasted, and I was like, he said, a lot of people, I think I said a lot of people couldn't Pull off that outfit and you're two of them. | ||
| I don't know what the... | ||
| Shit, I'm ruining a great joke. | ||
| With a fond memory. | ||
| But it came to you out of nowhere. | ||
| I've got to remember the joke. | ||
| It came to you out of nowhere. | ||
| Yeah, you're just listening and boom, that's the home run that people remember because it wasn't thought about ahead of time. | ||
| It was just listening to the... | ||
| looking. | ||
| When you're roasting people, listening is also looking. | ||
| Like taking a good look at assessing exactly what's been put in front of you. | ||
| When you were doing the prison thing and you talked to the guy and you said you look like a combination of a child and a child molester. | ||
| Yeah, you're the rare person who looks like a child and a child molester at the same time. | ||
| And he did. | ||
| He did. | ||
| No, he did. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| I just try to say out loud what people normally would say behind people's backs. | ||
| Hence the karate. | ||
| Self-defense. | ||
| I do remember early instances of hecklers. | ||
| Before I knew anything about roasting, I was just a comedian, you know, usually emceeing, you know, on the road or in Jersey, you know, where we had a lot of characters. | ||
| And in the audience, I remember... | ||
| You know, a few times people taking swings at me or just walking on stage. | ||
| I was working with Rich Voss at a firehouse. | ||
| You know, I'd only been doing comedy a year or two. | ||
| And I opened for him at some sort of fundraiser at a firehouse. | ||
| I was about five minutes into my routine. | ||
| Saturday night, these firemen are in their firehouse. | ||
| This is before there were any rules to anything. | ||
| They kept telling me, make fun of Larry. | ||
| Make fun of Larry. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Make fun of Larry. | ||
| I don't know who Larry is. | ||
| Of course, Larry turned out to be the biggest asshole on the planet who doesn't love it at all. | ||
| And he literally was gigantic and walked up on stage and took the microphone out of my hand, put it in the mic stand and said, you're done. | ||
| And I just laughed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Was the audience laughing before that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I'm sure they weren't laughing enough. | ||
| I just remember it being so hard, and it just builds up your... | ||
| You have to have thick skin, and you've got to be able to, like, stare. | ||
| You've got to have confidence that, you know, you're in the right. | ||
| Well, you definitely would get a little bit more confidence having gone through martial arts, because you've done some difficult stuff, been involved with a little bit of conflict. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I did karate tournaments as a kid, and... | ||
| It's like you never feel more alive than when you're competing. | ||
| And I love when comedy has a little tension to it. | ||
| It doesn't have to be all about what I think. | ||
| Sometimes I remember getting as heckling became more and more In the audiences, more and more you heard people heckling and there were famous instances of hecklers and audiences and stuff like that. | ||
| I said, fuck it. | ||
| People are going to videotape the shows. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Why don't I just go one step further and put the audience on stage? | ||
| Wow, so that's when you started speed roasting. | ||
| Interactive. | ||
| I wanted my show to be more interactive. | ||
| And I'm still partially like that, but I think the audience is a big part of the experience now. | ||
| Well, also for you, because it's your style. | ||
| Like, you know, maybe that wouldn't work for some guys. | ||
| You know, with you, it just fits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I grew up at a catering hall. | ||
| I like talking to people. | ||
| I like knowing why they're at my show. | ||
| Your parents were caterers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My grandparents, my uncles, my cousins, me... | ||
| So you're just always around people? | ||
| Food, people, dancing. | ||
| Are you a dancer? | ||
| Dancing with the stars? | ||
| You were telling me that you got your eye fucked up and danced with the stars? | ||
| I had a scratched cornea on the last rehearsal on the first day of the live show and went to the hospital and danced anyway. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| I got the lowest scores since... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Since Larry Flint's wheelchair flipped over in season two. | ||
| So you just couldn't see? | ||
| Oh, you had an eye patch while you were doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, look at you. | ||
| You fucking look pretty thin there. | ||
| Yeah, well. | ||
| Lose a lot of weight doing that show? | ||
| I lost about 20 pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And how much does your ego weigh? | ||
| Your ego's all up five pounds, for sure. | ||
| I lost that, too. | ||
| But I look good. | ||
| That's Edita. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, you have to practice every day for that shit. | ||
| I practiced. | ||
| I was in the best shape of my life. | ||
| All day. | ||
| I did a dancing scene with Leslie Bibb in the movie Zookeeper. | ||
| We had to do this fucking crazy dancing scene, and so we had to take dancing lessons. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's fucking hard to do. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| Do you pull it out? | ||
| After the roast battle, we have a dance party in the back bar. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Sometimes at the comedy store. | ||
| Do you dance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you dance off? | |
| We all dance. | ||
| Like 30 people dance. | ||
| Jamie, why is it 150 degrees in here? | ||
| Any reason? | ||
| Maybe let's see if those AC things work. | ||
| It's hot as fuck in here, isn't it? | ||
| I do the whip. | ||
| I do the nay-nay. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's the new dance craze. | ||
| Oh, are you whipping and nay-naying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know what it means? | ||
| It means when you break your leg and you have a cast on and you take off the cast and it stinks like the stinky leg. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| All the kids are going crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You haven't heard of stinky leg? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You're not even on the mic and you're not making any sense. | ||
| Go put the AC on and come back and formulate your thoughts while you're out there. | ||
| That's Brian. | ||
| Two hits in. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| Two hits in. | ||
| He forgets. | ||
| He just doesn't make sense to anybody but him. | ||
| To him, it's totally making sense. | ||
| This is so fun, dude. | ||
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| Nice studio. | ||
| Glad to be on the show. | ||
| It's comfortable, right? | ||
| For the first time. | ||
| Finally. | ||
| Dude, I've been asking. | ||
| You keep saying no. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not true. | |
| I'm just happy to be here, dude. | ||
| I'm happy to have you here, man. | ||
| It's good to see you. | ||
| We've been friends a long time. | ||
| Long fucking time. | ||
| Back before you were Jeff Ross. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I knew you with your different nom de pleur. | ||
| Liff Schultz. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Back in the... | ||
| What made you change it to Ross? | ||
| Enough? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| Technically, Ross is... | ||
| Well, Ross is my middle name, and I'm still Jeff Liff Schultz. | ||
| Like on your driver's license? | ||
| Certain things. | ||
| Taxes and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| I was on Star Search. | ||
| That's why you changed it? | ||
| And Ed McMahon kept mispronouncing my name. | ||
| It was my first time on TV, and I was so... | ||
| It just threw me. | ||
| I was so new. | ||
| I didn't know... | ||
| I just couldn't handle... | ||
| Please welcome your challenger, Jeff Lipschitz. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| I'd come out for my three minutes, like, all frazzled. | ||
| Trying to make my family proud. | ||
| I'd never been on TV. So now their name's wrong, you know. | ||
| And they also had to use a smaller font on the screen when they introduced me, and it made me crazy. | ||
| Jeff Lifshultz. | ||
| It took up the whole... | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So on the flight home, after I lost, I said, I gotta do something. | ||
| And I just started using my middle name, Ross. | ||
| Named after my great-grandmother, Rose Lifshultz, who was the greatest caterer in New Jersey. | ||
| It all comes full circle. | ||
| Well, it's good too because it's the same letters, Jeff Ross, the same amount of letters, four and four. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And that only started solid. | ||
| Yeah, it feels good. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Hey man, it works. | ||
| And by the way, when I was bad when I was a kid, they called me that anyway. | ||
| Jeffrey Ross, come over here. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, well, that's perfect then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What made you decide to do this thing in a prison? | ||
| Because that was a fucking risky, ballsy move. | ||
| You know, we talked about it. | ||
| Like, Paul Rodriguez had a special that he did in a prison. | ||
| But, quite honestly, he looked a little nervous. | ||
| It was back in the day. | ||
| Looked a little nervous. | ||
| This was many years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He did an HBO special. | ||
| Live from a prison. | ||
| So that's your critique? | ||
| That he looked nervous in a prison? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because you didn't look nervous. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| You didn't watch carefully enough because I was fucking nervous. | ||
| I can hear myself stuttering and I can see myself shaking. | ||
| But you were pretty remarkably relaxed for the fact that you were roasting prisoners. | ||
| I mean, you were having fun with it, man. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| And you even speed roasted them on stage. | ||
| So you turned your back to these fucking guys. | ||
| Like, did you know who they were or what they did? | ||
| No. | ||
| You had no idea. | ||
| No, but I thought it would be disrespectful not to do it like I'd do a normal show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, you did it perfect. | ||
| So I didn't know a lot about them. | ||
| I just tried to be in the moment and learn about them as I went along. | ||
| And I learned a lot. | ||
| Well, you wrote something. | ||
| Was it for HuffPost? | ||
| Is that what you wrote it for? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I read it and then I retweeted it because it was fucking really powerful, man. | ||
| That's one of the things about... | ||
| I went to a Texas jail to roast the inmates to hear what I learned about incarceration in America. | ||
| And then in the corner is a girl with her ass up in there. | ||
| But it's also it wasn't just that it wasn't just this this article too, but also the little pieces that you had In the videos where you had like the stats like one and out of every 100 Americans is in jail And then there's more black men in jail right now than there were slaves in the 1800s fucking a man It's an emergency. | ||
| It's an embarrassment to America when you think about that. | ||
| If that many people are in jail and, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| The one good piece of positive news I saw is that they're commuting some sentences of non-violent drug offenders. | ||
| You know, it'll only be in the hundreds that... | ||
| 65 so far, Obama's done. | ||
| Or what I saw the other day in one article, at least. | ||
| Yeah, it's old enough. | ||
| Maybe there's some hope that... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I do feel like... | ||
| The roast helped people talk about it in a way that is a little more accessible because it wasn't something I knew a lot about. | ||
| And as I started writing, I really just wanted to roast criminals. | ||
| I thought it'd be funny. | ||
| And as I started writing the act, I did a stand-up act for months just to acclimate myself and have an act that would kill in front of people that are locked up right now. | ||
| I learned so much, and that's what... | ||
| I think is the greater good for me is that not only did I make them laugh, but I got something out of it, too. | ||
| I mean, it's embarrassing that we have more people locked up in America than anywhere else in the world. | ||
| And we're supposed to be a free country. | ||
| And the reasons why they're locked up. | ||
| That's what's fucked up. | ||
| And also, the idea that someone in this world can't fuck up. | ||
| You can't make a mistake. | ||
| And if you do make a mistake, then you get locked in a cage. | ||
| Especially a mistake if you're thinking about someone who's coming from a really poor background. | ||
| Who needed money, took a chance, and sold some drugs. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| And then you're locked in a cage. | ||
| And I'm sure a lot of the people that you were talking to, a lot of people that you were looking at, they were in there for some sort of non-violent drug crime. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's a big percentage of our prison population. | ||
| When we were in the parking lot of the Comedy Store, we had that conversation about it. | ||
| It's pretty obvious that it... | ||
| I don't know if it changed... | ||
| Could I say it changed you? | ||
| Or it certainly affected you in a big way, man. | ||
| You were really taken aback by it. | ||
| And just the sheer numbers and the experience itself. | ||
| Everybody in there is a human being. | ||
| You know, you look at those orange jumpsuits on the news or on lockup, and people are just getting tossed around and pushed around. | ||
| There's parts of jails that even I didn't get to shoot in. | ||
| You know, there's... | ||
| In the 70s, hundreds of thousands of beds in mental hospitals just closed down. | ||
| That's the way we run mental illness in America changed in the 70s. | ||
| So now the jails have become... | ||
| De facto mental hospitals and these jailers have to babysit people that are crazy. | ||
| And that's not what the job is. | ||
| And these places become very complicated to run. | ||
| And we just lock these people away. | ||
| They come back over and over and over like human dust. | ||
| We forget about them. | ||
| If we lock them, we put them over there. | ||
| We don't have to think about them. | ||
| But the food sucks. | ||
| Solitary confinement is barbaric. | ||
| You know, we should just sort of be talking about... | ||
| That should be the biggest thing they talked about in that Republican. | ||
| I hardly heard anything about prison reform. | ||
| Seems to me like this is an emergency. | ||
| It does seem like that. | ||
| Did you hear they put Chelsea Manning in solitary because her toothpaste was expired? | ||
| They can do whatever they want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| What? | ||
| I wish I was making that up. | ||
| Jamie, pull it up. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What was the reason for that? | ||
| You're not supposed to have expired toothpaste. | ||
| She wasn't brushing her teeth enough. | ||
| It was just one of those things where they had a violation. | ||
| They fucking hate this girl who used to be a guy, if you don't know the whole story. | ||
| She is the former artist formerly known as, what was her original name? | ||
| Bradley Manning? | ||
| Yeah, Bradley. | ||
| And he gave all the files to WikiLeaks. | ||
| And look at this. | ||
| WikiLeaks source, Manning convicted over magazines and toothpaste. | ||
| Well, what does the article say there? | ||
| Convicted of violating the Espionage Act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pshh. | |
| In prison for providing classified docus. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Guilty on four charges, the inmate tweeted. | ||
| I'm receiving 21 days of restrictions on recreation. | ||
| No gym, library, or outdoors, Manning tweeted. | ||
| Those four charges included medical issue, prohibited property, disorderly conduct, and disrespect. | ||
| Can't break the rules. | ||
| Medicine charge came after officials discovered expired tube of toothpaste in her cell. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's the medicine charge. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So they're just fucking with her. | ||
| Contraband came in the form of books and magazines, such as a copy of Vanity Fair magazine featuring Caitlyn Jenner, LOL, and a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine featuring an interview with Manning. | ||
| Oh wow, she's not allowed to have an interview with herself. | ||
| But according to ChelseaManning.org, she received the reading material legally through the prison's open mail system. | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking with her, dude. | ||
| They're fucking with her. | ||
| They can. | ||
| They're fucking criminals. | ||
| Just lock that person up and take away all their rights, all that's any privacy, any ownership they have over their own body or even what they want to read. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Vanity Fair is fucking contraband. | ||
| You can get locked up in solitary for a Vanity Fair. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Sick. | ||
| It's sick. | ||
| And, you know, look at that whole thing, the way it went down. | ||
| That poor guy, Julian Assange, he's still locked up in that fucking... | ||
| He's still in that house in the... | ||
| What do you call those things? | ||
| Embassy. | ||
| He's still in the, who is it? | ||
| Ecuador's? | ||
| Ecuador's embassy? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| In London. | ||
| Like, he can't leave. | ||
| If he steps foot out of that building, he's fucked. | ||
| So the dude's not getting any vitamin D. He's not going outside. | ||
| Super unhealthy. | ||
| It really is unhealthy. | ||
| Like, you really need to be outside. | ||
| Poor fucker. | ||
| You can literally walk out the door. | ||
| Yep, exactly. | ||
| But you know what they're saying? | ||
| They're saying it. | ||
| What they're saying is that it's a sex case, that he had sex with a woman, and then in the middle of the night, he stuck it in again without a condom. | ||
| It's called surprise sex, like they were cuddled together naked, and he didn't put a condom a second time. | ||
| And I don't even know if the woman is pressing charges. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what's going on, but they were trying to extradite him for that. | ||
| Like, right! | ||
| Yeah, that's what you were doing. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Like, that's why this guy's locked up in an embassy. | ||
| Do you imagine if every time a guy tried to cuddle with a chick and sneak it in without a rubber, that guy would get locked up in an embassy and be holed up there? | ||
| I'd be the Secretary of State. | ||
| I'd be at every embassy in the world. | ||
| Are you one of those surprise sex enthusiasts? | ||
| I love slipping it in at 4.30 in the morning. | ||
| It's not technically rape. | ||
| Because I guess she was asleep, and they had already had sex, and they were, you know, cuddled together in this little spooning-type position, you know, dick to vajayjay right from behind. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm just making it up, because I don't really know what happened. | ||
| Nobody knows what happened. | ||
| He says it's all bullshit. | ||
| But the idea that they got this guy locked up for that, and that's why they... | ||
| No, it's not! | ||
| It's WikiLeaks! | ||
| It's the fucking information they released! | ||
| That's what they're trying to get him on a loophole, and we all know it. | ||
| It's going on right in front of our eyes. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's just right in front of our eyes. | ||
| That Ashley Madison finally got leaked yesterday, so whoever did that, I'm sure is going to be the next one of these guys if they find out who it is. | ||
| But that could just be a hacker, though. | ||
| That could just be like the fappening people. | ||
| They just tap into... | ||
| What kind of fucking mass cock-blocking nutjob wants to do that to AshleyMadison.com? | ||
| Dudes who aren't getting laid. | ||
| They're like, fuck it! | ||
| If I'm not getting laid, nobody's getting laid! | ||
| Such a dick! | ||
| Yeah, it's out. | ||
| I saw it too. | ||
| And what's scary is that not only does it have all the names, it has all the information. | ||
| So they leaked the credit card information, they leaked everything. | ||
| Did they leak who they had sex with? | ||
| Or who they think they had sex with? | ||
| Yeah, because you make an appointment with the other person. | ||
| So there's everything in there. | ||
| Make an appointment. | ||
| You're pretty much buying an escort. | ||
| But it's not an escort, it's a person. | ||
| You're using a service. | ||
| Did you hear about that Uber for Escort app that they have in Germany? | ||
| And they're like an Uber for Escorts. | ||
| It's like using Uber, except you have the escorts, you just fucking look at your phone, you say, hey, I want to get my dick sucked. | ||
| And you put the thing up there, and then... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uber? | ||
| Debbie's on her way over, you know? | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Uber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was hilarious when you called out the lesbian in the crowd for looking exactly like Justin Bieber. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| In the women's jail? | ||
| Yeah, the women's jail was an interesting one, man, because they fucking laughed hard. | ||
| They laughed hard. | ||
| They needed it. | ||
| They did need it. | ||
| They needed it in a whole nother way than the guys. | ||
| What did it feel like? | ||
| What is the difference between, what does a women's jail feel like as opposed to a men's jail? | ||
| Because you don't feel it's like physically threatened, right? | ||
| It's a little bit, a little bit, right? | ||
| No, I mean, it was fine. | ||
| But I wasn't thinking about my own safety. | ||
| I was more thinking about how to make this the most like a night... | ||
| My instincts were to make it like a nightclub. | ||
| Treat the women as women, not as inmates. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And make it the same way I would at a comedy club. | ||
| And that's what I did. | ||
| And they were shrieking with delight because no one had spoke to them as women. | ||
| They're always just yelled at and ordered around and... | ||
| And that came through, that they really needed a laugh and to just be girls, women, ladies for an hour. | ||
| And they wound up being so great. | ||
| It was a warm-up for me for the next night when I did two shows for the guys. | ||
| Oh, so you did the ladies first? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you said you had a real hard time trying to find prisons that would let you do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We reached out to 150 or so until finally we found one in Texas. | ||
| One? | ||
| One. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And whose decision? | ||
| Is the warden's decision? | ||
| There's a few people who have to agree. | ||
| Wayne Dickey is the jail administrator at Brazos County Jail and he stepped up and had confidence in his institution and his facility and he wanted to He wanted everyone to see his staff and how great they were and to see how his inmate behavioral programs worked, where he incentivizes the inmates. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| In good behavior, and they get rewards. | ||
| If you do your time without messing up, there are huge rewards. | ||
| And one of them was coming to see me. | ||
| These guys had to behave for one month in order to see my show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And... | ||
| I took that as a huge compliment that so many people did that. | ||
| Not everybody, but most of the jail, more than half, came to my shows. | ||
| And they were appreciative, and I felt that too. | ||
| That's why the show came off, because not only were they good sports, but they knew what they were signing up for ahead of time, because they had a month's notice that I was coming there to roast them. | ||
| And there were posters around the jail that said, you know, if you can laugh at yourself, you're one step closer to freedom. | ||
| And they came. | ||
| And when I asked for volunteers, guys were running down from the balcony. | ||
| They're not allowed to even be in the same room. | ||
| It was a communal experience for the different sects and gangs and types of people, you know. | ||
| It was all dudes and squeezed into this one room. | ||
| With the most dangerous closer to the stage by the door and the least dangerous packed into the rafters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So if there was a problem, they could handle it. | ||
| The jailers could handle it. | ||
| It was very calculated as far as the safety of how it would go down. | ||
| Did you get your front kick ready? | ||
| I was in it, man. | ||
| I didn't want anybody near the stage. | ||
| I wanted it to be the most like a comedy club I could make it for them. | ||
| So that was the only time that they were ever jammed into a room like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, that's a real security concern. | ||
| That takes quite a bit of planning to take five, six pods of dudes and put them in one room. | ||
| They can overpower the jailers. | ||
| They could overdo whatever they want. | ||
| There's cameras in there. | ||
| I'm in there. | ||
| So there was a huge trust factor that went on between the jailers and the inmates, myself and my crew. | ||
| So what kind of security did they have in place in case this shit hit the fan? | ||
| I did ask about my security if I had any special person or way out and they said absolutely not. | ||
| Which I couldn't believe. | ||
| At first I think I took them off guard. | ||
| They just didn't get to that. | ||
| But their assumption was beyond me was there will not be any problems. | ||
| So, I am no more special than anyone else in that room, the way they set it up. | ||
| Which I respected. | ||
| There was not gonna be a problem. | ||
| Where did you come up with this idea and what made you decide to film a special this way? | ||
| Well, I wanted to make it purposeful. | ||
| I wanted to learn something. | ||
| I wanted to initially think of the funniest thing, which would be crime in America. | ||
| And I talk to a lot of people. | ||
| I'm friends with Tony Hinchcliffe, Mike Ferrucci, George Reinblatt, my cousin Ed Larson. | ||
| We just brainstormed and tried to think of the funniest, craziest shit we could do. | ||
| and somehow roasting criminals seem like a hilarious way for me to do what I do face to face you know roasting concepts is one thing or roasting people from behind a desk has all been done and but going to it like getting into something immersing in an environment that's my specialty I I love that. | ||
| To me, it's like a corporate gig, you know? | ||
| You're writing a special act for a certain night, then you're never going to do it again. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| It's a roast. | ||
| So that's what you like about roasts. | ||
| You like preparing for roasts. | ||
| Like, I've seen you at the club, the improv in the store, getting ready, pages and notes. | ||
| Like, you like the whole event. | ||
| Like, there's an event coming up. | ||
| I like the writing. | ||
| The event is the payoff, but you have to enjoy the process. | ||
| And I like writing the jokes. | ||
| So you just like a subject to focus on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like that. | ||
| Something that I'm interested in or curious about or a fan of... | ||
| You know, it's got to be something meaty, you know? | ||
| I mean, I can riff if I don't, but if I'm invested in it somehow, like, with the jail, I thought, like, how did I, like, smoke so much pot and have so much fun in my life and never get in real trouble? | ||
| I sold weed in high school. | ||
| Like, this could have been me. | ||
| You know, this could have been me. | ||
| So I got curious. | ||
| And as I get personally curious and invested in something, I can start to see, find the hypocrisies that go into it and how the humanity can be lifted out of it. | ||
| And I started to see that this is a sad place, and it's kind of like doing a USO tour. | ||
| And I told that to the jailers when I met with them. | ||
| I had to go down there and ask permission a couple times. | ||
| And they had to trust me, you know, that I wasn't there to humiliate anybody or expose anything that was not just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't have an agenda. | ||
| I was going to make it real. | ||
| I was really just going to go there and see if people had a sense of humor. | ||
| It was simple. | ||
| And as I got into it, I realized how lucky I am that I never got in real trouble, that I never got busted for anything, and that if I had, I'm not sure I would have survived. | ||
| Well, especially if you were selling pot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you were selling pot, you could have got caught, and you also could have got talked into selling more pot. | ||
| Have you ever heard of those stories? | ||
| Like DEA agents go undercover, and they'll talk a kid into, like, listen, I'm going to put a deal together, you know, if you're a part of this. | ||
| There was a story that they did in Rolling Stone about a DEA undercover agent who talked this kid into a big cocaine deal that wasn't real. | ||
| It wasn't real. | ||
| There was no real cocaine. | ||
| But he talked this kid into selling it, and this kid's in jail for life now. | ||
| The kid was just a low-level dealer. | ||
| He was selling, you know, a little bit here, a little bit there, nothing big. | ||
| And this DEA guy essentially talked him into doing some gigantic deal that put him in jail for 25 to life. | ||
| And that can happen to anybody! | ||
| Look, I've made some big fuck-ups in my life. | ||
| I've been an idiot many times in my life. | ||
| I don't know a single person who hasn't made mistakes. | ||
| We all make mistakes. | ||
| But it's whatever the environment is that you're growing up in, dictate how bad your situation is, whatever you were exposed to, and that might be a factor in the level of your mistake. | ||
| So the dumb mistakes that I made were the pretty... | ||
| Uneventful childhood. | ||
| Nothing too serious. | ||
| Good parents. | ||
| Nice folks. | ||
| My mom's a sweet person. | ||
| You know, love my sister. | ||
| It's like pretty easy life. | ||
| Growing up in Newton, Massachusetts. | ||
| Not hard. | ||
| Not hard at all. | ||
| Imagine... | ||
| Just a much more chaotic situation with the same person, living in Inglewood, you know, whatever, Watts, Detroit, in some fucking hopeless place where you can't get out, and then next thing you know, you're in fucking jail. | ||
| You're in jail, and you're gonna be in jail for five, six years, and during that time, you go from being 21 to 26, and now you're getting out, and you're a fucking, you're a man, and you're a convict, you can't get a fucking job, and you're just trying to figure out how to scratch and survive. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| You know, it's fucked that there's so many people out there that just don't get a chance or whatever chance you get. | ||
| You know, and there's a lot of people go, oh, if you just follow the law, but get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| Especially when it comes to selling drugs. | ||
| It just doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense to these kids. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| I saw guys 18, 19, 20 years old, been already been in one, two, three times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pssh. | |
| And imagine what their parents are like. | ||
| Imagine what their neighborhood was like. | ||
| Imagine what their uncle was like. | ||
| Whatever the fuck they encountered from the time they were a baby to the time they were a prisoner. | ||
| And then the fucked up thing is you just become kind of a human battery. | ||
| Because all you do is you generate money for private prisons. | ||
| Every one person that goes into those private prisons is worth a certain amount of money for those companies. | ||
| And they sell that. | ||
| That's their business. | ||
| Their business is making money, extracting money out of prisoners. | ||
| And there's a whole system that's involved in doing it. | ||
| All the way from the guards. | ||
| The guard unions make sure that they keep certain drugs illegal and make sure that certain laws stay on the books and certain penalties are still in place. | ||
| It's fucked, man. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| You know, I had this guy on the other day we were talking about, and he was saying that one of the only things that, like, keeps it from getting even worse is that the private prisons and the guard unions don't get along. | ||
| Like, the guards want certain things that the prisons don't, because the prisons don't want to pay the guards, so there's a fucking, there's a little internal struggle. | ||
| But if they worked together, it would be even worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Terrible. | ||
| You could have been a prisoner. | ||
| You could have totally fucked up, huh? | ||
| I was in prison. | ||
| Or jail. | ||
| That's where I learned what Hooch was. | ||
| Well, you went to jail for something you didn't even do. | ||
| You are, out of all the dudes that I've ever met, out of all the guys that I've ever met who have run across crazy women that get really fucking angry at you when you break up. | ||
| Every fucking girl you've ever dated since I've been friends with you, they get furious at you when it's over. | ||
| Well, they want to kill you. | ||
| I've seen it in person. | ||
| It's not just, granted, you inspire that in some men as well. | ||
| I just... | ||
| Date those crazy bitches. | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| Like, I really... | ||
| I think I'm... | ||
| Whatever... | ||
| My attraction, my smell that I like on women is ones that are more entertaining than boring, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you like those dirty girls, too. | ||
| A lot of times, dirty girls that are involved in naked things. | ||
| Those girls are wilder. | ||
| They're more fun. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I was thinking, like, I want to meet a girl that, like, every time she goes to Vegas to hang out with her friends, like, that she sends me a photo that I'm not looking at the wallpaper and then comparing it to, like, Dan Blitzerin's Instagram photos, you know? | ||
| Like, I'm like, wait a second, it looks like the same cup on his nightstand as... | ||
| Dan Bilzerian. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| I just found out about that guy. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm, like, the last person. | ||
| I just went to his Instagram and was like, wait, this is what everyone's been talking about? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That dude... | ||
| He's made millions of dollars playing poker. | ||
| Apparently more than $100 million playing poker. | ||
| But he got all his money from his dad, too. | ||
| His dad was some famous character, so he's been rich his whole life. | ||
| Doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He looks like he has a lot of fun. | ||
| Jamie, where's those nitros? | ||
| Give me some of those nitros. | ||
| Nitros? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poppers? | |
| No. | ||
| Nitro coffee. | ||
| Caveman coffee. | ||
| Those nitrogenated cold brewed coffees. | ||
| I'm addicted to those little things. | ||
| I'm drinking right now. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| You ever have one? | ||
| Do you drink coffee? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Get one for Mr. Ross. | ||
| Mr. Ross would like a night... | ||
| What? | ||
| Because you've been drinking them, you fuck! | ||
| Fucking Jamie. | ||
| He drank all of them. | ||
| I had three of those, you fucking savage. | ||
| Give him the real one and get me a bottle of water. | ||
| No, no, no, it's okay. | ||
| That other stuff's the same shit. | ||
| Just fucking around. | ||
| He does drink them every day, though, the savage. | ||
| You gotta order some. | ||
| Come on, Jamie. | ||
| If you're gonna drink them every day, you gotta order them, okay? | ||
| You fucking animal. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Do we have any cold waters in there? | ||
| What did you think about the whole fat Jewish thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's what we were talking about actually before the show. | ||
| You were saying that you think that the networks need to loosen up and the internet needs to tighten up. | ||
| What did you mean by that? | ||
| Oh, I was just saying... | ||
| I was just talking off the cuff, but... | ||
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| You know, we're talking about this guy who goes by the Fat Jewish on Instagram, and I would follow him, and I'd see funny stuff on there, so I kind of knew about him. | ||
| I didn't know a lot about how he collected his material. | ||
| I guess I didn't think about it. | ||
| Like, most of the five million people who follow him, they don't care. | ||
| They just want to laugh. | ||
| They're not thinking about anything, you know? | ||
| And then I started to see that... | ||
| He was collecting whatever he thought was funny. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I don't know a lot about it. | ||
| He was cropping people's names out. | ||
| He wasn't just collecting things. | ||
| He was actively trying to make sure that he didn't show who created it and he just put it on his page so he didn't give credit to the people that made it. | ||
| That's what the big problem was. | ||
| Everybody retweets things. | ||
| You retweet things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I retweet. | |
| You do. | ||
| One of our friends says something funny. | ||
| It helps them when you retweet it. | ||
| And it shows, first of all, it entertains the people that get to read it on your Twitter feed, and it gives that person the credit. | ||
| It's a great thing. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with retweeting. | ||
| I think if he did that, he would have the same amount of people. | ||
| If he really was a true aggregator, like HuffPost. | ||
| They credit everybody that they use. | ||
| Yeah, but Hoppost is an aggregator. | ||
| The internet, my entire career, I've never made money off all the millions of clips that are out there, millions of views, and people are always shooting comedians. | ||
| Comedians get annoyed. | ||
| You see a lot of comedians want to shut down phones at their shows because they don't want their half-written jokes on the internet, or they don't want the... | ||
| They're fans to see their material without having to pay for it, either live at a show or buying their specials online. | ||
| And TV seems restricted all the time. | ||
| So maybe... | ||
| What do you mean by TV is restricted all the time? | ||
| Well, you know, networks are trying to be edgier, but there's still bleeps, and there's still censorship, and there's all sorts of regulations. | ||
| But with the internet, everyone always explained it as a wild, wild west. | ||
| You know, you could just do whatever you want. | ||
| Like, all the time you'll see people will make videos and compreels, and they'll edit famous movies, and you just use whatever footage, and no one ever cares. | ||
| Then now people are starting to care a little bit. | ||
| They're looking for ways the last five, ten years to monetize the Internet. | ||
| And to me, it's coming very close to being how we watch everything. | ||
| I hardly ever watch TV anymore. | ||
| And when I do, it's a big live event. | ||
| They're just all starting to become... | ||
| There's no more the Internet. | ||
| There's no more TV. It's just... | ||
| Programming and it's different brands and you go to those brands So I go at some point the regulations for the internet and television should be the same and they should be they should get together and it should just be Do you mean as a set of standards for now on but what do you mean by standards? | ||
| Do you mean as far as the music rights and how it all goes down and the stuff we have to you know the I'm in the Writers Guild. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's all the same now at this point, and I feel like the internet needs to step it up, and they should be crediting stuff and paying for rights, and to some extent I think it's happening, and I think that's good. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| I think for a long time it was innocent, you know? | ||
| Like someone would post a funny meme on their Instagram and no one cared because it was just people being funny. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy's funny. | ||
| But then, when people started making a lot of money off of it, then you realize, well, what made that guy famous? | ||
| He's just an aggregator. | ||
| All he's doing is collecting all the shit that's online and instead of the actual writers of each one of those individual bits getting some credit, All the credit's going to him. | ||
| So now what he's doing, what this guy who calls himself the Fat Jewish is doing, is he just puts the guy's name at the end, or the girl's name at the end. | ||
| So he steals their picture, puts it up on his site, and instead of saying, this picture was made by Jeff Ross, the real Jeff Ross, it now just has... | ||
| Just a tag, you know, at, and then whoever's name it is, with no mention of where, you know, like, that this person created this originally. | ||
| It just, it just throws their name up there. | ||
| Which is stupid. | ||
| Like, all you have to do is, this hilarious meme was created by, boom! | ||
| And then that person gets credit, that person probably happy, they'll get a shitload of fucking people will come to visit them, and sign up, and follows. | ||
| He's not doing that. | ||
| And I did notice he sort of does it at the end of whatever the new comment is, so it almost looks like the person he wants to give credit to is actually giving credit for the comment, not the picture. | ||
| In some ways. | ||
| In some ways, yeah. | ||
| It's just not open, you know? | ||
| It's just like it's reluctant. | ||
| It's a reluctant comment. | ||
| Credit at the end. | ||
| What else is he? | ||
| Is he funny? | ||
| I haven't seen... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, he's a good marketer, obviously. | ||
| He's really smart at putting it all together. | ||
| He's not, by the way, he's not even giving proper credit. | ||
| On a lot of them, I've noticed. | ||
| He's saying that that person made this, but then you go to their account and they don't have that on their Instagram. | ||
| There's a few instances where he's crediting these people that didn't make it and aren't even active. | ||
| Hasn't even used their Instagram for like 12 months. | ||
| And it was just like, if you go through all his photos, it has nothing to do with what he, like why he credited. | ||
| So it's weird. | ||
| Why do you think he's doing that? | ||
| What the internet is saying, allegedly. | ||
| I gotta protect myself. | ||
| I talked to my lawyer yesterday about all this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Just because I don't want to get in trouble or anything like that. | ||
| You know, when you have somebody that's Jewish, the first thing you think that you're going to get sued if you talk about it. | ||
| How dare you, Jeff? | ||
| Jeff, as a lip schultz, how do you sit next to this guy? | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Goddamn anti-Semite. | ||
| He's German, you know. | ||
| No, I'm Irish. | ||
| Brian Rochelle. | ||
| No, you wrote on your page, this fat German is going after this fat Jew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, now what was I talking about? | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| You were talking about him not giving credit. | ||
| What the internet is saying is that he has these interns supposedly that are half the accounts that he credits. | ||
| So he has his intern take it from somebody else and put it on his account and then he credits his intern. | ||
| So that it's still in the family. | ||
| It's kind of like a loophole. | ||
| That's a big allegedly. | ||
| You don't have any information about that. | ||
| What is the internet? | ||
| Which forum are you going to? | ||
| There's a Reddit forum. | ||
| I think both of them are on Reddit. | ||
| And there's another website that's doing it also. | ||
| But if you just Google him, there's a lot of message boards that have been talking about him for years and breaking down everything he's stolen. | ||
| And it's very interesting. | ||
| Doesn't he call himself a curator or something on his Instagram page? | ||
| Isn't he sort of saying, this is what I do? | ||
| Is that what he's saying? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We should say, though, because somebody posted this yesterday, that we were talking about that girl. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| We were saying, what was her name again? | ||
| Pistol Sherman? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| People said that she has misappropriated people's stuff as well. | ||
| I don't know how that works, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if it's true or not. | ||
| I think she's kind of admitting that she has definitely put some stuff up that somebody sent her that she thought was funny. | ||
| But I think she said 80% of the stuff is hers. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| A lot of people, they're just finding memes that are funny and they put them on their page. | ||
| It's kind of innocent in some ways, right? | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| The internet is, I don't know, it's for amateurs or something still. | ||
| We've got to figure out how to make it. | ||
| But how do you I mean Brian rather did a great job of actually finding the original image and finding the time the original image was posted in the day and That's how he credited people and that's how he actually discredited a couple of people that Originally were trying to claim that they came up with it first But it was proven that somebody else had posed the exact same image the exact same text before them Yeah | ||
| Yeah, it kind of sucks because if we want regulations, if we want to change how it is now, what's going to happen is it's like when you have a YouTube video and it detects that there's copyright material in it. | ||
| So now anytime we want to post like a photo on our Facebook or tweet something, we're going to have like a block and we kind of don't want that. | ||
| You can't fuck with the internet, man. | ||
| They find you. | ||
| They find you. | ||
| When you try to sell them a plate of bullshit, people find you. | ||
| They just figure it out. | ||
| You can't get away with it. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| Do you see the Asprey thing? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Dave Asprey put up a photo. | ||
| Oh yes, of his stomach? | ||
| Of a fake photo, stock photo of someone else's abs shredded and said, you know, this is my stomach after 4,500 calories a day and no working out. | ||
| And it's just a stock photo. | ||
| It's a stock photo, and he's trying to say that his bulletproof diet gives you that. | ||
| In his defense, if you click on the link, there's an actual photo of his actual abs that Jamie thinks are photoshopped. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Jamie thinks they're allegedly photoshopped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| Allegedly. | ||
| You don't even need to see it. | ||
| Let's not even pull it up, but it's the same thing. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| You can't fuck with these people. | ||
| If you're, you know, blatantly bullshitting and stealing They're gonna find you. | ||
| That's gonna find you. | ||
| That's really funny though. | ||
| That he did that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been working out and just post like... | ||
| That guy has muscles everywhere. | ||
| If there was really a way that you can get a body like that guy's without ever working out, you would have to be some sort of a genetic manipulation. | ||
| You have to be some experiment. | ||
| That's not just abs. | ||
| That guy has chest muscles, shoulder muscles. | ||
| It's a guy that trains probably on a daily basis. | ||
| The fact that he would put that picture up is just so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| He's so crazy. | ||
| Just so fucking nuts. | ||
| People are out of their goddamn minds. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| And the internet, you know, it's gonna fucking expose that shit. | ||
| It just takes a matter of time. | ||
| That's why you gotta go see shows live. | ||
| Stand-up, you mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I put less jokes on the internet than I used to. | ||
| I put less jokes on Twitter than I used to because I want my best material for when you come see me live and that's a much more unique and exciting experience. | ||
| People get mad sometimes if you talk about something on the podcast, even if you bring up the subject and then have a bit about it on stage. | ||
| Oh, you were talking about that on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Do you not want us to talk about funny shit on the podcast? | ||
| Can you allow us to come up with ideas spontaneously on the podcast and then talk about them on stage as well? | ||
| You fucks. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that before. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That's just, you know, they want to know that... | ||
| Well, they just want to fucking let you know that they're listening carefully. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard you talk about that already! | |
| Don't you think, though, that it's good, though, that they keep you on your toes? | ||
| I think even with the hypercriticism, you don't want to dive into it. | ||
| You don't want to just do a Google search on your name, find out all the people talking shit about you. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| But knowing that they're there probably gives you an edge. | ||
| Keeps you sharp. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Keeps you sharp. | ||
| I try not to read the bad comments. | ||
| I try to stay away from the haters and stay positive. | ||
| Well, you try hard, though, and you work hard at what you do. | ||
| It's not like you're slacking off and someone's coming along and calling you on it. | ||
| If they're saying some mean shit, they just don't like you. | ||
| They might not like your style. | ||
| There's going to be people that like, you know, him or like anybody. | ||
| You know, they like a certain style, and they don't like your style. | ||
| Or they do like your style. | ||
| They don't like somebody else's style. | ||
| They're not right or wrong. | ||
| They just have their own taste. | ||
| No, they're wrong. | ||
| Everyone likes my style. | ||
| When you read it, though, some of them are so fucking mean. | ||
| And why is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying, why? | |
| You can notice them. | ||
| Do you block people? | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| They're just rude and mean. | ||
| Why would I argue with them? | ||
| I ignore them. | ||
| You don't even block them? | ||
| No, because then they know you saw it. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Why do you care if they know? | ||
| I just want them to float in the sea and not know. | ||
| But you did see it. | ||
| Yeah, so why acknowledge some piece of shit? | ||
| But then you can just keep doing it. | ||
| You're going to get Twitter bombed now. | ||
| Real Jeffrey Ross. | ||
| Bring it on. | ||
| Motherfucker! | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| What are you going to tell me? | ||
| I don't already fucking know, you motherfucker. | ||
| What are you going to tell me? | ||
| Real Jeffrey Ross. | ||
| They're so aggressive. | ||
| Come on, bring it on. | ||
| You think I don't know I look like Bruce Willis drowned? | ||
| Bring it on, motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm ready for some... | ||
| Bruce Willis wish he looked like you right now. | ||
| Roast me on my Twitter right now. | ||
| Bruce Willis looks like shit. | ||
| He wishes he looks like you now. | ||
| Poor bastard. | ||
| I just spent a week at the beach. | ||
| This is as tan as I'm ever going to get. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| I feel very healthy. | ||
| You look vibrant. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| What were you going to say? | ||
| I've toned it down more on Twitter than I used to, like making fun of people or attacking people on Twitter. | ||
| I used to be, I think back in the early days of your message board and stuff, we used to have kind of fun having online battles with people. | ||
| Flame Wars. | ||
| Flame Wars. | ||
| That's what we used to call it. | ||
| We used to call it Flame Wars. | ||
| Those were fun. | ||
| They were fun, but... | ||
| Too many people jump in now. | ||
| The other thing is it's not just two people going back and forth. | ||
| It's a bunch of people that would decide that they're on the other guy's side or this guy's side and jump in. | ||
| Like, you get a lot of that now. | ||
| There's a lot of what you see online when there's any sort of a debate about something is pile-ons. | ||
| You know, there's a bunch of people who pile on. | ||
| One side or the other. | ||
| You know, I tweeted something the other day. | ||
| And this guy, he's up for, he might go to jail in Canada, because he's been tweeting at this girl, and apparently there was some agreement that he wouldn't tweet at her anymore, but he used to be on her side. | ||
| I think he actually even did some artwork with her, but she's like this radical feminist, and she took him to court. | ||
| She called the police on him. | ||
| This guy was harassing her. | ||
| And it was even sometimes, she would write something about him, and the fact that he responded to her about him, she was saying he was harassing her. | ||
| Which is kind of hilarious. | ||
| But all I did was there was an article and a video. | ||
| And I retweeted it. | ||
| This is interesting. | ||
| The exact title of the video is what came up on my tweet. | ||
| In the exact same order because I just went to the YouTube thing where it says share and I tweeted it. | ||
| I didn't put any commentary. | ||
| I didn't have any editorial control over it. | ||
| And so many fucking people were angry at me, saying that I'm a misogynist, and why would I post this? | ||
| It's a woman in the video, an older woman in the video, who's talking about this case. | ||
| So it's a woman's video about a woman who's suing a man, and the man might go to jail because the man was tweeting at a woman who didn't want him to tweet at her. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| But I looked at the comments, I was like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Like, the fucking mean people piling on and angry at me that I tweeted this. | ||
| I guess you could kind of think that maybe this is my opinion instead of me just sharing something. | ||
| But I share shit I don't believe in at all. | ||
| I'll share some flat earth shit or some Bigfoot shit. | ||
| I'll share nonsense. | ||
| I'll retweet people that think the earth is less than 10,000 years old. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| This is one dummy that I follow. | ||
| I retweet him. | ||
| Well, I don't retweet him anymore because I don't want him to know that I follow him. | ||
| But I do read his shit. | ||
| It's just so ridiculous. | ||
| Some of his stuff is so... | ||
| It's all anti-Obama. | ||
| It's either he hates Obama. | ||
| I wish I remembered his name. | ||
| Joe Sussmanup something starts with a C. But he's like one of the dumbest religious guys online. | ||
| And everything is like either anti-Obama or anti-evolution or anti-the earth is, you know, 4.6 billion years old. | ||
| He's convinced it's less than 10,000 years old. | ||
| He's a real guy. | ||
| It's not a parody account. | ||
| There's this MTV celebrity, and I don't want to say who she is, but she's always on TMZ, and it's always her being like, don't you know who I am? | ||
| And getting arrested, and she's just like this privileged white girl celebrity from MTV. And I tweeted her something, because recently she hit a cop or something like that, and they're drunk and they're just recording her outside of a club. | ||
| Handcuffed and I tweeted or something and it got a lot of retweets and Last night I was at this thing and she was there staring me down. | ||
| I'm like, this is it. | ||
| I can't do this She's gonna attack me right now. | ||
| And I was that's one of those things that I wish I never tweeted that because now she knows like She's an enemy. | ||
| Yeah, she's an enemy for no reason like it was just me like dude I should have said that you know to myself instead of tweeting it and Yeah, you could do that. | ||
| You could definitely create little enemies, you know, by tweeting something you think is going to be funny or going to get a big rise. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then, you know, you realize, especially if you get high, right? | ||
| You get really high and you go, why am I doing this? | ||
| I'm creating enemies. | ||
| What am I doing, Jeff? | ||
| I always wait. | ||
| I always put it in my notebook and wait till the morning. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good move. | ||
| But sometimes you got to be on the ball. | ||
| You got to be the first one to attack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those days are over. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I took two hits today and went to yoga and was breaking down my whole life in that yoga class. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The things I get upset about, things I don't get upset about. | ||
| Just, I need to be nicer. | ||
| Just calm the fuck down. | ||
| I'm too worked up. | ||
| I think I'm doing too many things in my life. | ||
| I really think that. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| I'm thinking I'm under too much pressure and stress. | ||
| And even though I'm cool about most things, there's certain times where I have a perfect reaction to something. | ||
| Like, I always bring up this time where the guy hit me on the highway in my car, fucking texting, rear-ended me, smashed into me. | ||
| But I had gone to yoga that day, smoked a little rainfall. | ||
| Felt great. | ||
| I loved the world. | ||
| I got out. | ||
| I was fine. | ||
| I wasn't hurt. | ||
| I wasn't even mad at the guy. | ||
| I went over to him. | ||
| I go, you okay? | ||
| And he's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| You know, I just fucked up. | ||
| I go, it's okay. | ||
| We all fuck up. | ||
| And then I go, do you have a license? | ||
| Because I don't have a license. | ||
| He didn't have a license. | ||
| He was illegal. | ||
| He's from Mexico. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| I said, all right, I'm out of here. | ||
| And I just bailed. | ||
| I said, I don't want to call the cops because I don't want them to go to jail. | ||
| Because, look... | ||
| His car is fucked. | ||
| His car was fucked anyway. | ||
| His car was totaled. | ||
| He had a Civic and he, you know, sometimes you hit the brakes, your car goes down, like you go under the car. | ||
| So his car went kind of under my car, lifted my car up and sent my car flying. | ||
| So my car did not have that much damage. | ||
| It was only a beam that needed to be replaced in the back bumper area, which was all plastic. | ||
| So they just put a new piece of plastic and replaced the beam and it was good to go. | ||
| I had it back in a couple of weeks. | ||
| So if your car was total and you would have ruined his life and called the cops? | ||
| No, they would have had a tow me, so they would have known. | ||
| But I thought about it and I was like, this guy, you know, this guy, he got a shit roll of the dice. | ||
| He got a shit roll of the dice. | ||
| He made a mistake. | ||
| I'm not hurt. | ||
| Like, I'm okay. | ||
| And I can pay for this. | ||
| I can figure it out. | ||
| Like, I'm like, just get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I said, I'm just gonna go. | ||
| All right, man. | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
| Took a picture of his fake license. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, just in case some weird shit happened. | ||
| And he said, I did something. | ||
| And, you know, you never know. | ||
| And just get out of there. | ||
| He apparently has insurance. | ||
| I might actually get paid for this. | ||
| But the point being that the way I reacted to it, I wish I could react to it like that all the time. | ||
| But I don't know if I would. | ||
| Like, if I'm stressed out, I got a bunch of shit going on, and there's a fucking... | ||
| You hit this boiling point. | ||
| Where you come in on a four or five instead of at a zero. | ||
| You're coming in hot already, you know? | ||
| And I was thinking about that while I'm in yoga class. | ||
| I was like, there's times where my reaction to the thing is not entirely warranted by the situation itself, but is more dealing with all the different shit that I've got going on in my life. | ||
| I have too many things. | ||
| This is what I think, and this might be crazy, but I think this is part of the problems with police brutality and some of the mistakes that cops have made is they come in hot. | ||
| Their job is tough and other stuff's going on, and then you come from one thing to another, and they warrant different things. | ||
| Rules and disciplines and danger levels, but they're coming in not knowing or, you know, fired up. | ||
| Their blood pressure, I've talked to cops, especially in New York and Chicago, where they're on blood pressure medication and their families are stressed out and their job is more intense than it ever has been. | ||
| Oh, it's an incredibly intense job. | ||
| I couldn't even imagine it. | ||
| I mean, do you know cops? | ||
| Do you have any friends that are cops? | ||
| I'm getting to know more and more cops. | ||
| I've known cops all my life. | ||
| My karate teacher was a cop. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| So was mine. | ||
| My original karate teacher was Joe Esposito, Newton, Massachusetts. | ||
| Ronnie Roselli, Newark, New Jersey. | ||
| A lot of cops learn karate. | ||
| Italian cops. | ||
| Exactly, right? | ||
| I just think that the job of doing police work is probably, not only is it not for everybody, probably too easy to get. | ||
| It's probably too easy to be a cop. | ||
| Like some people, they don't have the right mentality for it. | ||
| I want to roast cops for my next comedy. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| Gotta find a precinct. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I think LA would let you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Burbank. | ||
| Burbank would let you, for sure. | ||
| I think Burbank's gonna tell the story, but maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I might do a bunch of precincts. | ||
| Yeah, coming in hot. | ||
| So I figured that out in yoga class. | ||
| I just figured out I need to do yoga more. | ||
| I need to do something every day before I go out and face the world. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Blow off some stress. | ||
| I spent some time at the beach lately, and that can also help. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Why do you think people at the water are so mellow? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| All beach communities are mellow. | ||
| It's just so relaxing, man. | ||
| It's also humbling. | ||
| Did a week at the Jersey Shore and a few days in Malibu, and it just... | ||
| We had some shit fixed in our kitchen, and so I rented a house for a while in Malibu. | ||
| I would never buy... | ||
| I don't think I'd buy a house on the water. | ||
| I think it's fucking crazy that waves come in. | ||
| You never know when they're going to come in. | ||
| I went out at night. | ||
| By myself, down to the water. | ||
| It was dark. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| I felt like you're having a trust with the ocean. | ||
| At any minute, it knows. | ||
| It could just swallow you up, but instead, it just creeps up to your feet and just says, hi! | ||
| It's just like, bam, at any second. | ||
| That had two floors and one floor was above the water looking down But the first floor was like the water would go right under the fucking bedroom Like you would see the waves come in and you would hear them crash underneath you and it was dark and I'm looking out this window and I was high as fuck I was looking out this window. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, this is crazy. | ||
| I can't sleep here. | ||
| I was like, this is nuts. | ||
| And I know that this fucking building's been here for, who knows, 10 years, whatever. | ||
| I know that a lot of the houses have been there since the 50s. | ||
| There's pictures. | ||
| It's like there's one of those restaurants down there that has these old black and white pictures on the wall. | ||
| But when you're there at night, it looks like a monster. | ||
| In the day, it's like this beautiful friend. | ||
| In the day, you look out there, like I'd have breakfast, and I'd sit down this little table, look out the window and eat eggs. | ||
| I'm like, God, this is amazing. | ||
| Look how beautiful it is just to be like... | ||
| Next to this alien world, this beautiful alien world, and I'd see sea lions or seals or whatever the fuck they are, and birds, and occasionally you'd see a fish splash around. | ||
| I'd be like, this is so beautiful. | ||
| But at nighttime, goddamn terrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's humbling. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why people that live in beach communities are so nice. | ||
| Because you just look out and it just smacks you in the face with, you ain't shit, dude. | ||
| It is so like that. | ||
| I was thinking, you could... | ||
| I was holding a... | ||
| A glass of sparkling water, like Perrier or something, out on the beach by myself. | ||
| And I was half done with it, and I just tossed it down into the ocean. | ||
| You just think, that's... | ||
| It's such a great equalizer. | ||
| This fancy cup of Perrier thinks it's so fucking important and high and mighty, you just drop it into an ocean. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| It's just nothing. | ||
| It makes no impact. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| All beach communities are filled with mellow people, right? | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| Never heard of an aggressive beach community. | ||
| Long Beach? | ||
| Nah, that's like Snoop Dogg's neighborhood. | ||
| Architects, builders, contractors could spend 10 years building a skyscraper, the most beautiful. | ||
| People will never stare at it the way they stare at the ocean, which is just air floating, splashing. | ||
| Well, it just gives you this feeling of, like, it's a totally different world in front of you. | ||
| Alright, Jersey Shore, no one's cool there, right? | ||
| They're not even paying attention to the water, they're just doing steroids and fucking. | ||
| Fist pump! | ||
| What happened to that? | ||
| How come that show went away? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We shouldn't bring it up. | ||
| Hurricane Sandy. | ||
| That's what did it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, that beach is fucked. | ||
| No, people just got tired. | ||
| It's bouncing back. | ||
| I was just down at the Jersey Shore. | ||
| A lot of construction happening, a lot of activity, a lot of people out having fun at the boardwalks. | ||
| It was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Can't wait to go back. | ||
| I used to do gigs out there. | ||
| I used to do gigs for Bob Gonzo. | ||
| I was on vacation down there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I didn't get on stage once. | ||
| The beaches were beautiful, and the weather was perfect. | ||
| The water was just as warm as it is here. | ||
| Don't people have a bad opinion of the Jersey Shore, though? | ||
| Don't they think of it as you go there, it's just a bunch of orange guidos fucking and beating shit out of each other? | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| Maybe it's evolved, or maybe that was just a show, showed it in a bad light, but... | ||
| It was great. | ||
| There's that show, This Old House. | ||
| They did a long special about rebuilding the Jersey Shore. | ||
| And it's really interesting. | ||
| That's what I thought also. | ||
| It was just like this Myrtle Beach spring break thing the whole time. | ||
| It's very beautiful there. | ||
| Well, my uncle lives there. | ||
| My uncle lives on Jersey Shore. | ||
| He just sent me some driftwood. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
| He sent me some shitty driftwood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gorgeous. | |
| It looks like the Hamptons or any fancy, beautiful beach. | ||
| It's back. | ||
| It's bouncing back. | ||
| Doesn't Artie have a place down there? | ||
| I was there last weekend. | ||
| Yeah, I saw a picture of you guys together. | ||
| And he has a beautiful house right on a lake. | ||
| I mean, he has the dream. | ||
| A lake? | ||
| You walk into Artie Lang's house in the Jersey Shore, and if he didn't tell me he lived there, I would think, like, Mary Lou Henner lived there or something. | ||
| It's immaculately decorated, perfect nautical-themed white pillows everywhere. | ||
| There's no chance. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, my sister's a designer. | ||
| She did everything. | ||
| So does he stay there all the time or sometimes? | ||
| I think he's there most of the time and he has his whole man cave with all his Thurman Munson themed memorabilia. | ||
| He's just the best. | ||
| And he's got a place in Manhattan too? | ||
| Is that how he does it? | ||
| I think he has a place in New Jersey, like Hoboken, right near Manhattan. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Harney can't leave New Jersey. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| No, literally he has like a bracelet on his ankle. | ||
| He got visibly upset when I told him that I don't follow sports. | ||
| Like you could see, I was like, what? | ||
| I was less of a man in his eyes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can see it. | ||
| There's guys that are fucking crazy sports fanatics. | ||
| When you tell them you don't give a shit about sports, the only thing that saved me is I'm actually a sports commentator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So I'm kind of, you know, I don't fall into the hippie, hipster, whatever category that he would hate the most. | ||
| But he was disappointed in me as a man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's strange, but I guess he does love sports, man. | ||
| Loves it. | ||
| Well, he had that sports show that he was doing for a while with Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| I'm getting more into it. | ||
| Sports? | ||
| Doing a fantasy football app. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Quick Draft. | ||
| An app? | ||
| Comes out in a few weeks. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're producing an app? | ||
| I'm like the voice spokesman of it. | ||
| Look at you, you fucking animal. | ||
| Making funny videos. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Play fantasy football and talk shit with your friends. | ||
| Do you know football? | ||
| Do you understand it? | ||
| Yeah, I played high school football. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What's that guy's name with the giant arms, Jamie? | ||
| Popeye? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leron Landry. | |
| Do you know who he is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll show you a picture. | |
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Leron Landry. | ||
| You obviously don't know it like Jamie knows it. | ||
| Maybe you need a man like Jamie on your team. | ||
| This fucker knows a lot. | ||
| Look at this guy's arms. | ||
| He showed me this yesterday. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He said the dude's been busted a few times for steroids. | ||
| I said no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's holding steroids. | |
| He doesn't even get the shirt on over that thing. | ||
| He just does it. | ||
| Shirt scared. | ||
| Shirt just goes over. | ||
| Okay, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| What is that one with him holding the camera up? | ||
| He's got the phone up to the far right. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That is an enormous human being. | ||
| They didn't even make people like that a hundred years ago. | ||
| Yeah, he's a safety, too, so those guys tend to be a little smaller than a linebacker or a lineman. | ||
| How much does that guy weigh? | ||
| How tall is he, rather? | ||
| I'll find his stats, but... | ||
| Yeah, find his stats. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| I mean, he could be like 5'7", and he'd still be 230 pounds, built like that. | ||
| He's a fucking giant. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| You like it? | ||
| Six feet tall, 220. He's just an ape, filled with fucking testosterone and fury. | ||
| Goddamn, that's an athlete. | ||
| That's about as strong an athlete as you get. | ||
| Human beings, they're like, you know... | ||
| You would have made a great slave auctioneer back in the day. | ||
| Look at him that way. | ||
| But we're all apes. | ||
| I'm an ape. | ||
| You're an ape. | ||
| We're apes. | ||
| It's what humans are. | ||
| I'm just saying the way you break down a person's physical appearance. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I'm a sports commentator, if you remember. | ||
| Full of thick testosterone. | ||
| That guy's a fucking... | ||
| That is a silverback. | ||
| That's a silverback gorilla. | ||
| Look at the yams on that guy. | ||
| I mean, you never had a human being that was built like that a hundred years ago. | ||
| This is an entirely new era of humanity. | ||
| Like, you look at those Greek statues, those were exaggerated. | ||
| And that was the best they could imagine in their head. | ||
| Those guys are pussies. | ||
| Every one of those Greek guys. | ||
| They look like they barely work out. | ||
| You know, like, the biggest stud Greek statue. | ||
| Like, how does it compare to this guy? | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Show me a Greek statue. | ||
| Show me, like, the best Greek statue. | ||
| Like, the most muscular of all the Romans or the Greeks. | ||
| Just some fucking animal. | ||
| I want to see what it looks like. | ||
| Because I guarantee it didn't look nothing like that, dude. | ||
| They just didn't even know that people were capable. | ||
| Small dicks back then also. | ||
| Well, that's actually pretty big. | ||
| That guy's pretty yoked. | ||
| He's pretty studly, except for his little cock. | ||
| I wonder if people really did have little dicks back then, or if they just made them have little dicks so that everybody looking at the sculptures didn't feel bad. | ||
| Because, like, look at that guy's dick. | ||
| That's an enormous man with a fat guy's dick. | ||
| That is like a mushroom cap, and the guy looks huge. | ||
| That looks like the Hulk. | ||
| I take back everything I said. | ||
| I take back everything I said, though, because that guy's giant. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| That guy's back? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, they were really fit, man. | ||
| That's real? | ||
| From a computer. | ||
| That doesn't seem real to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show David. | |
| For some reason, we're looking at this guy's back that is insanely muscular, and it's a sculpture, but his ass cheeks are a little too big, and he's holding something in his hands. | ||
| Are you going to play your Nick Jonas Gilforet gif? | ||
| Come on, look at the muscles on that guy's back. | ||
| He looks like Vanderlei Silva when he was fighting in Pride. | ||
| Yeah, see that guy? | ||
| That guy's a pussy. | ||
| Hi, guys. | ||
| That guy looks like a bitch. | ||
| Condos. | ||
| Yeah, he looks like he's never done a squat in his life. | ||
| None of these guys can make the NFL. No. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| The athletes they have today, I think we all agree that the NFL athletes are the most impressive athletes in all sports, right? | ||
| Can we agree on that? | ||
| As far as, like, horsepower, about what they can do, the speed, coordination, right? | ||
| We all agree. | ||
| And I, you know, obviously I work for the UFC, right? | ||
| I think UFC athletes are incredibly impressive, but as far as what they have to be able to do, a UFC athlete has to be able to fight. | ||
| If it's a championship fight, you have to be able to fight five rounds, five minutes each round. | ||
| You just can't do that if you're built like an NFL player. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| So that is a bodybuilder, though. | ||
| That's totally different. | ||
| That's modern. | ||
| That's a modern bodybuilder. | ||
| That guy could never fight in a UFC match. | ||
| Unless he won in the first 30 seconds, which is possible, That's the only way he'd be able to do it. | ||
| He just wouldn't have the juice. | ||
| There's no way he'd have the capacity to fight for five rounds. | ||
| There's just no way. | ||
| Too much muscle. | ||
| Are current statues, like new statues that are made today of naked men, are their cocks the same size, or are they bigger nowadays? | ||
| It's a very good question. | ||
| I'm so glad you're here. | ||
| Start your research. | ||
| Let's go look. | ||
| Let's go look for giant cocks. | ||
| What's the latest on naked statues? | ||
| Is your show always just homosexual? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Leaves to a lot of rumors. | ||
| Times are changing. | ||
| Leaves to a lot of rumors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do I look for that? | |
| New statue? | ||
| New black cock. | ||
| Just Google. | ||
| Yeah, just do black cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Olive Garden black cock 7. You guys ever eat anything around here? | |
| Are you hungry? | ||
| We got some jerky. | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| We give you some food, but if you talk into the microphone while you're eating, everyone's going to be mad at you. | ||
| No, I won't. | ||
| Jeff Ross drove through traffic. | ||
| Did you Uber on the way over here? | ||
| Did you feel uncomfortable at all? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Did you ever get an uncomfortable Uber driver? | ||
| Oh, I mean, it's only annoying when they want to talk to you about... | ||
| They want to come into the show. | ||
| Or like... | ||
| I only hate it if you're on a date, because then you have some other dude just listening to your bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You're trying to get some? | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| Those cashews are very yummy. | ||
| All that stuff's good. | ||
| Those bars are great. | ||
| It's pro bars. | ||
| Those are the best. | ||
| I won't make any noise, but if I do, I'm sorry. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| This is fun, man. | ||
| I'm having a good time. | ||
| I'm glad you're here. | ||
| Enjoying the vibe. | ||
| You're at the Roast Battle pretty much every week when you're in town, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had Jim Carrey last night. | ||
| That was the first place that I went back to when I came back to L.A., or came back to the Comedy Store. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| It's a lot of fun. | ||
| It's a movement. | ||
| It is a movement, right? | ||
| It feels like it. | ||
| It feels like... | ||
| I was talking about this on the message board today. | ||
| Someone was bringing up... | ||
| It might have been trolling. | ||
| I might have got sucked into a troll. | ||
| Talking about the old days, guys used to borrow each other's jokes, and it was like a tighter community back then. | ||
| It was like, man, I don't know about all that, but I think this is the tightest community ever for stand-up. | ||
| I think this is the best time ever for stand-up comedy. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I just did Montreal Comedy Festival. | ||
| I'm hosting Oddball starting next week. | ||
| And I love comedians. | ||
| I do these festivals because I love being around comics. | ||
| It's like a religion. | ||
| I feel like I'm a comedian before I'm anything else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I agree with you. | ||
| You always want to see comedians, hang out with comedians. | ||
| I remember going to a Christmas party once at Al Roker's house, if I should tell this, but... | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| And it's a very fancy Upper East Side Christmas party for charity fundraiser thing, and I walk in and there's like a... | ||
| You know, people, tuxedos, taking your coat when you come in and very handing out hors d'oeuvres and big, beautiful home, fireplace, Christmas music. | ||
| And I look over at the people, the coat check people. | ||
| It's like two, three people just sitting there and Chris Rock. | ||
| He would rather talk to the coat check people than these fancy people. | ||
| He was so bored. | ||
| And then I walk in and he's like, he ran over to me and he's like, oh my god, a comic! | ||
| I can talk to a comic! | ||
| This is so great! | ||
| Comics need to talk to comics. | ||
| That's how I felt last night at this party. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| Samsung? | ||
| Yes, I went to this cool Samsung party where A $AP Rocky performed and that was really cool. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| A $AP Rocky. | ||
| He's a musician. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What kind of music is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rap. | ||
| Rap. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. | ||
| That's the Jeffrey Ross theme song. | ||
| But it was, you know, super Hollywood douche. | ||
| Like, I hate those kind of people. | ||
| It was, like, in a studio lot where, I think, right next to Oprah's building. | ||
| So I don't know what studio that was. | ||
| Some weird studio lot. | ||
| And it was this humongous party. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Samsung was showing all their new phones. | ||
| And I didn't want to talk to anyone because everyone was, like, beautiful models. | ||
| And just, like, you know, I was just sitting there like, this is gross. | ||
| Then I see Steven Glickman across the room. | ||
| I'm like, ah! | ||
| It was like the best day of my life just because I saw a comedian that I knew yeah I've been in that situation before it's cool those situations are cool when you you know you have that camaraderie you run into someone that you know yeah the old days baby I used to do news radio right next to... | ||
| Greg Giraldo had a sitcom for a while. | ||
| And Giraldo's sitcom would be right next to him. | ||
| Common Law. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would be right next door. | ||
| And I'd go out, hang with him. | ||
| We'd just hang out in the parking lot and shoot the shit. | ||
| But it was always like, oh, you're not even an actor. | ||
| You're a comedian. | ||
| We're comics, right? | ||
| We'd talk about it, and he'd talk about how frustrating it was, because, you know, trying to do his show his way, all the producers and every, you know, the network and all the jazz that you have to deal with when you're trying to put together a sitcom. | ||
| It was like, you know, I just run into... | ||
| That's a cool memory. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a few guys, like Lenny Clark. | ||
| Lenny Clark was also on the set, on the lot, rather, because he was on that show with John... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I want to say Lithgow, but it's not Lithgow. | ||
| It's the other guy. | ||
| Larroquette. | ||
| Yes, thank you. | ||
| He was on that show with John Larroquette. | ||
| I guess it was called the John Larroquette Show. | ||
| And I used to run into Lenny. | ||
| You know, just run into Lenny. | ||
| Hey, what the fuck? | ||
| How are ya? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm doing this fucking show with this cranky bastard. | |
| Because Lithgow would fucking scream at everybody. | ||
| We'd watch the closed-circuit monitors, and Lithgow would get mad. | ||
| You guys remember your fucking lines? | ||
| You get crazy and shit. | ||
| But, you know, you run into a comic, whether it's at the airport or anything. | ||
| It's a nice thing. | ||
| We're always on the move. | ||
| Comics in an airport on a Sunday or a Thursday. | ||
| Yeah, that would be a good show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just comics running into each other at an airport. | |
| A podcast that just gets randomly connected with another comic that just happens to be at the same airport. | ||
| Well, if you did that, you know, like, for real, if you wanted to do a show, say, like, Dallas is a big port, there's always big ports, and you set up a podcast studio in that port and said, you know, we'll be here... | ||
| Today's guest. | ||
| We're going to be here from 9am to 3pm. | ||
| Let us know if you're coming through, and maybe you can schedule your layover. | ||
| You could create a studio in one of those lounges, like the American Airline Lounge. | ||
| Make it like the USO for comedians. | ||
| Like, hey, comedians, stop by the comedy lounge. | ||
| And celebrities. | ||
| You know what you can do? | ||
| By gate 67A. Here we are, like... | ||
| You know what you could do too? | ||
| You could have one of those... | ||
| You know those massage places where they rub your back? | ||
| You sit in those chairs that your face goes first? | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| Like, we'd sit next to each other and get a massage, talk some shit, have the microphone looking up at us as those Asian ladies are rubbing your back. | ||
| Just make it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| Like, to just have people that are on a gig. | ||
| Like, where are you going? | ||
| Someone's going to take this. | ||
| Here's the idea. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You do, like... | ||
| You do, like... | ||
| Women have a little spa where they get their hands and just do it for guys. | ||
| A guy spa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you want to get your hands done? | ||
| No, you don't have to maybe do that, but other stuff. | ||
| Get your toes done? | ||
| Do you get a pedicure? | ||
| Get a little back rub, you listen to whatever. | ||
| I don't know, play some ping pong. | ||
| That wouldn't be bad if there's a spot where you could go and hang out, like a bar. | ||
| You know the comedy store has that private bar? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could set something like that. | ||
| I danced there last night. | ||
| Did you dance? | ||
| It's so fun there. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Go ahead, chew. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| He's, like, holding back. | ||
| He's doing very well, though. | ||
| You haven't been to go this long without eating. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| When I get off stage, I'll do an hour, hour, 15 minutes when I'm headlining, and I literally will have... | ||
| They'll still be clapping, and I'll already be halfway through a chicken salad on pita bread. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you have a second show, you'll do that? | ||
| You'll eat in between? | ||
| I always eat before the first show and in between the second show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| I just need food all the time. | ||
| I can't eat before I go on stage. | ||
| If I do, it slows... | ||
| I can't go on stage if I'm hungry. | ||
| I lose my mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm too mean. | ||
| I lose... | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jeff Ross. | ||
| Although... | ||
| That's a little cranky. | ||
| It's not fun for me, but I think it's still funny for the audience. | ||
| Because I used to have an old girlfriend who used to say, the crankier I was, the funnier I was. | ||
| Like, if I got really mad, it would just be so funny. | ||
| That's what she likes. | ||
| She likes you getting dirty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boom, the pants off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom, boom. | |
| Yeah, I try to eat before and I just fall asleep. | ||
| I feel like I'm really tired on stage. | ||
| You gotta digest that stuff. | ||
| You would never eat before you fought. | ||
| You would never have a sandwich and then go fight. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Because you wouldn't have all your resources. | ||
| There's a certain amount of your body that would be breaking down your food. | ||
| I guess, but it's not quite the same as telling jokes for an hour. | ||
| Not quite the same, but the energy level won't be the same. | ||
| Your energy level. | ||
| Like, you won't have as much resources dedicated to... | ||
| Like, have you ever gone on stage dehydrated? | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| That's harder for me. | ||
| When you've just been drinking too much coffee, you haven't slept, haven't had enough water. | ||
| I was in Disneyland all day once, all day, in the summer. | ||
| It was like July. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was fucking hot as shit. | ||
| And I was there with my kids, and we'd stay the night there. | ||
| You know, you get a hotel room at the Disneyland Hotel and the whole deal. | ||
| And, you know, you're fucking going through the park. | ||
| It's hot as shit. | ||
| There's a million people. | ||
| You might not drink enough water. | ||
| And that night, man, I hit the wall. | ||
| I did two shows. | ||
| And the first show, I pulled it off. | ||
| But the second show, my fucking head was throbbing. | ||
| And I was thinking to myself, like, I'm really dehydrated here. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| Probably one of the worst ways to be on stage is to be dehydrated. | ||
| Your brain just doesn't work right. | ||
| It just doesn't fire. | ||
| I had that in Iraq. | ||
| I got dehydrated and couldn't after a bunch of shows and traveling and not drinking enough water and over-caffeinating to make up for not sleeping and being nervous. | ||
| That was what happened. | ||
| It sent me to the infirmary, to the medical tent in the middle of, I think it was Al-Assad or Fallujah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| With an IV bag. | ||
| How many times have you been over there? | ||
| A couple. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You like it? | ||
| I'm not sure what you mean. | ||
| Well, you were saying that you... | ||
| It's a pretty straightforward question. | ||
| I love going to Iraq. | ||
| It is so much, especially around my birthday when I can really party. | ||
| There's some great clubs in Al-Assad. | ||
| You were saying that doing the prison was a lot like doing a USO gig. | ||
| In that you're bringing laughs where there normally aren't any, and it's politics and all that, and whether people deserve a show and all that, you can just put that aside for a second. | ||
| As a comedian, just going in and that challenge of making people laugh that are miserable, I love that. | ||
| I feed off that. | ||
| I remember trying to make my mom laugh when she was sick and stuff. | ||
| I love that challenge of trying to break somebody who's just a little frozen. | ||
| You're like a little run uphill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jeff Ross. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember being early in my career seeing Buddy Hackett perform. | ||
| I didn't know him, but I knew his son Sandy, and Sandy let me come by myself at the end of a run in Atlantic City, and Buddy was there the next day, so I stayed an extra day to see the Buddy Hackett show. | ||
| It was kind of a late afternoon, early Sunday show, and I remember Buddy right out of the gate Saw some lady taking notes. | ||
| She was a reporter and he didn't know about it ahead of time or whatever. | ||
| He called her a cunt right in literally the first 45 seconds of walking on stage and just the whole audience. | ||
| You note-taking cunt! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was mortified. | ||
| She tried to say, I'm from the so-and-so Herald and he just wouldn't hear it and he just called her a cunt and he just put a really weird vibe in the room right out of the gate and You know, eventually the show, you know, went on and it was amazing. | ||
| But literally a decade later, Buddy became a very close pal and I could ask him anything. | ||
| And I said, you'd never remember this, man, but like 10 years ago in Atlantic City at the Trumpat Castle or whatever, some lady, you know, he's like, well, I go, why would you do that? | ||
| Like right away, just for no reason, just... | ||
| Could you imagine what might have been happening in your head, buddy? | ||
| And he's like, oh, I do that all the time. | ||
| I like to dig myself a hole just to make it interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Just to see if I could dig myself out of the hole. | ||
| That does make it interesting. | ||
| Do you do that with new bits? | ||
| I do that with new bits sometimes. | ||
| How do you mean? | ||
| I give myself like a pause on a new bit. | ||
| I give myself like a fucking dead end where I have to come up with some way to get out of it. | ||
| Like I'll lull myself into it. | ||
| Like sometimes... | ||
| Tommy Segura has the best description of when a bit is not that good, but you kind of jazz it up and make it good, you try too hard. | ||
| He calls it dance moves. | ||
| I'll have a bit, and the way I used to say it, I used to call it English. | ||
| Like English on the cue ball. | ||
| Put a little English on it. | ||
| Yeah, it's spinning around too much. | ||
| I'm like, those balls are spinning around too much. | ||
| There's too much English on this fucking set. | ||
| It's just too much nonsense and jazz. | ||
| But Tommy had a better expression, dance moves. | ||
| And that's kind of what it is sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes a bit, it's not that good. | ||
| It starts out kind of good. | ||
| You have an idea, and you're trying to figure out which way to take it. | ||
| But sometimes you jazz it up too much with performance, but not enough with substance. | ||
| And you just kind of try to figure out what's the line between those two things. | ||
| It holds you up sometimes when you know you got something and you're developing it and you have a couple of tent poles that maybe you won't need once the whole thing's built. | ||
| It's like a scaffolding. | ||
| Yes, that's how I describe it, the same way. | ||
| I was having a conversation with Tony Hinchcliffe about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Because there was a subject that was a little... | ||
| He was doing a subject that was kind of mean. | ||
| And I said, you're dedicating a lot of time to this bit that I know you don't really think like this. | ||
| Like, you don't mean this, right? | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| I'm like, but what if somebody has this disease that's in the audience and they hear this or someone who knows somebody? | ||
| I go, you're taking all this time and creativity and you're putting it together with something you don't necessarily believe in. | ||
| And I said, you got to think of a bit as like a subject is the scaffolding. | ||
| And then inside that scaffolding, you put all your material. | ||
| And that's what you're doing. | ||
| You know, and when you create a new bit, sometimes you do have those dance moves. | ||
| Sometimes you do have those, and sometimes I'll just chop them down and leave, and I'll start it out good, and I'll just hope there's a pathway that opens up in my brain when I'm in the moment and contemplating the bit. | ||
| Where I know there's a lull there and I know I gotta dig myself out of the lull. | ||
| Maybe I'll find it. | ||
| And I don't find it. | ||
| Sometimes I don't find it. | ||
| Sometimes you'll do a bit three, four times and you're like, I'm ready to abandon this motherfucker. | ||
| And then, boom, something pops up and you're like, oh, this is it. | ||
| Oh, this is it. | ||
| Or you go back to it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Or you go back to it. | ||
| Yeah, you take a little time off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put it aside. | ||
| You know what else I noticed? | ||
| I don't think this happens as much anymore, but... | ||
| You'll have a bit that you're not... | ||
| When I was beginning, this is good for beginning comics, you have a bit that's okay, and you kind of like it, but it doesn't quite work. | ||
| And I went back to old notebooks, or it just came back to me one night, and you become a better performer, and you can sell a different type of bit. | ||
| It's more in your new voice, or you can just sell it better, or you know the English better, like you say. | ||
| And you go back to an idea that you weren't ready for. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, maybe you didn't see the way out. | ||
| You didn't see the pathway. | ||
| Or it didn't fit with your bullshit act that you were doing when you were starting. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I like how you're doing this right now with a fucking mouthful of food like a squirrel, but you're completely professional. | ||
| You tuck it all to the side, chipmunk style, and you didn't chew once on the mic. | ||
| Brian Callen can learn from you. | ||
| I've been doing this a while. | ||
| This is my first podcast, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Do you have a podcast? | ||
| No. | ||
| How the fuck is that possible? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I could barely work a garage door opener. | ||
| This would be really hard for me. | ||
| Just get somebody like Jamie or Brian to do it. | ||
| Sorry I don't have a fucking remodeled garage that I can put up three pictures of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, and I'm still trying to figure out... | ||
| Rosa Parks. | ||
| Rosa Parks, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, she was hot. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| What are you, crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, you're just crazy. | ||
| Now we know your type. | ||
| Let the record show. | ||
| Al Qaeda has the same decorators as the Joe Rogan studio. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're into Rosa Parks? | ||
| Just saying. | ||
| Pictures of... | ||
| I found out that Hendrix is not the real fucking Hendrix mugshot from Toronto. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They sold this to me in Hawaii, too. | ||
| That's an iconic Jimi Hendrix photo that they stuck on the actual writing from when his mugshot was. | ||
| So I bought the real mugshot. | ||
| Jamie, do we have it in the back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| I got the real mugshot from Hendrix, so that will be replaced with the real one. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| In my new studio. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| You can take it. | ||
| Actually, this is all very cool. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Do you know a YouTube star, or have you ever heard of a guy named Joey Grasifo? | ||
| This guy right here. | ||
| This guy right here. | ||
| So he is like this really super popular famous YouTube star, I guess. | ||
| And there's this guy named Brock Baker, a really funny comedian and writer here in Los Angeles. | ||
| And he makes these really funny videos called Angry Man. | ||
| And he did this thing and he talks about this YouTube star because he has a book out. | ||
| And if you read the back of the book... | ||
| What it says on the back of the book cover, it is one of the most creepiest things ever. | ||
| The guy's 24 and all his fans are like young kids, like 8th grade to like 13, 14, 15, you know, kind of like the Twilight kids. | ||
| That's his fans? | ||
| That's his fans. | ||
| And he's 24. And he's 24. If you read the back, Jamie, do you have it pulled up? | ||
| Because it would be funnier if you check this out. | ||
| Read this right here. | ||
| It's not where you begin that matters. | ||
| It's where you end up. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| 24-year-old Joey whatever has captured the hearts of more than 4 million teens and young adults through his playful, sweet, and inspirational YouTube presence, not to mention his sparkling eyes and perfect hair. | ||
| This is like a book about him and he has this on the back of his cover. | ||
| Yet Joey wasn't always comfortable in his skin, and in this candid memoir, he thoughtfully looks back on his journey from pain to pride, self-doubt to self-acceptance. | ||
| That's an important message. | ||
| If you just Google this guy's name, the images that come up is some of the funniest shit ever. | ||
| Because he really does, like, he's in love with his hair. | ||
| Okay, so you just made another enemy, just like you said. | ||
| So you're going to run into the next Samsung party. | ||
| You're going to see this fucking guy. | ||
| He's going to want to feed you your teeth. | ||
| It's so funny, though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just look at the YouTube videos. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| He's really addicted to his hair. | ||
| Why didn't you do what we talked about earlier and just write that down and think about whether or not you want to talk about it tomorrow? | ||
| Well, I'm not really making fun of it. | ||
| Oh, yes, you are. | ||
| He really likes his hair, but all his pictures on Google are just perfect hair, like this crazy Johnny Bravo hair. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Good look at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| I'm not going to, but thank you for your suggestion. | ||
| You're going to look at it later. | ||
| Jeff Ross, what do you got going on, man? | ||
| Besides Oddball, you got some gigs coming up? | ||
| University of Rhode Island's coming up. | ||
| I think it's in September. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You're doing colleges still. | ||
| With this fucking big backlash lately, the kids are saying that everybody's too politically correct to do colleges. | ||
| Seinfeld doesn't want to do colleges. | ||
| Every now and then, I find a really cool college. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| University of Rhode Island's a good spot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do they let you do anything? | ||
| Get away with anything? | ||
| I haven't been given any restrictions. | ||
| Do you feel like kids are a little bit more sensitive these days, though? | ||
| I think people are. | ||
| I feel like people are more sensitive. | ||
| Do you think they're more sensitive or do you think they have the opportunity to complain more? | ||
| Both. | ||
| I think it's become, you know, the egg before the chicken and the egg because, I don't know. | ||
| How's it... | ||
| I think people are just looking for things. | ||
| Everyone feels like a victim. | ||
| Everyone sounds like a victim all the time. | ||
| I'm offended, or I don't know how to see this, or I don't know how to hear that. | ||
| They found another guy faking black. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Another guy, a part of the Black Lives Matter. | ||
| I feel like people have been doing this forever. | ||
| Yeah, but these are like activists that are doing it, which is kind of adorable. | ||
| It's on Breitbart. | ||
| A young man named Sean King. | ||
| There's another fake black guy. | ||
| What? | ||
| You know the Rachel Dolezal? | ||
| She claimed to be black, but she was actually white. | ||
| She said she identifies with black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know that? | |
| They found another dude who does the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he's a part of the Black Lives Matter... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Oh, my God, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's interesting. | ||
| I mean, he looks really, really white. | ||
| But he has that kind of creepy mustache that some black eyes can pull off. | ||
| There's his dad. | ||
| His mom's white as well. | ||
| There's photos of him as a young kid, totally white, but talked about his struggles of being an African-American, how he was always bullied, and throws a lot of pictures up, I guess, that are... | ||
| Black and white. | ||
| And here's the thing, you know, there's nothing wrong with being a white guy that works for Black Lives Matter. | ||
| He tweeted, I love my blackness and yours. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That he said? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Well, he's got black sunglasses on, or glasses. | ||
| Oh, what is that? | ||
| Is that me? | ||
| Oh, I hate those goddamn pop-ups. | ||
| I feel like I'm colorblind. | ||
| I don't even see... | ||
| I don't even assess people's race right away. | ||
| Me neither, man. | ||
| I'm fucking completely colorblind, man. | ||
| That seems like a natural progression of the way people think. | ||
| Weird people like this are going to crop up. | ||
| Well, this guy that I really like, Milo Yiannopoulos, I'm not exactly sure how to say his last name correctly, but it's Nero, N-E-R-O, on Twitter. | ||
| And he's a fucking funny writer, man. | ||
| And he's a really good speaker, too. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He does these interview shows, and he's always saying logical things and having logical arguments against feminists. | ||
| If you like Google some of these, Milo Yiannopoulos, and they can't fucking say anything about him because he's gay and he has blonde hair and he's super articulate. | ||
| So because he doesn't look like, you know, like one of the guys from Jersey Shore, he's not like, you know, a lot of these guys that are representing men's rights, they kind of look douchey. | ||
| You know, they kind of look like bros. | ||
| He's gay. | ||
| And he's open about it, and he's fabulous, and he's got a great vocabulary. | ||
| But when he's describing, or when he's giving these arguments and debating, rather, these women, he's crushing them. | ||
| Because he was talking about diversity in science, and he's like, well, the cold hard truth is, it's not that women are discouraged from doing science. | ||
| It's that a lot of them aren't attracted to it. | ||
| Men and women have different states of mind. | ||
| And boys and girls, when they're young, if you give them, like, equal access to toys, boys naturally will gravitate towards, like, trucks and cars, and girls will naturally gravitate towards dolls. | ||
| It has nothing to do with it. | ||
| Yeah, here's one of them on Sky News, why men are better at chess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, look at them. | |
| How do you feel about being called different because you're hardwired differently? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm sure it's not something you've failed to hear before. | ||
| It just seems to keep cropping up. | ||
| Is it necessary? | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's 50s thinking, you know. | ||
| I mean, it's just so ridiculous, this biological determinism. | ||
| Frankly, you know, interests and talent and, you know, passions for particular topics, subjects, sports, arts, whatever, like, they're not relegated to either gender, but unfortunately, because of some stereotypical thinking... | ||
| Often, one gender is encouraged to pursue a sport or an art more so than the other. | ||
| It's bullshit! | ||
| My colleague at The Telegraph, Radhika Sagani, she wrote a piece just this morning speaking to... | ||
| Like young girls who play chess. | ||
| And actually, what she found out is that they're dropping out at the age of 12. Probably because, you know, they're not encouraged or, you know, there's an environment around telling them that it's not for them, it's not cool, etc, etc. | ||
| So, you know, this hardwired brain stuff, like, it's retro sexism. | ||
| No, listen to what he says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So Milo Yiannopoulos, does he matter if men and women are wired differently, have different skills? | |
| No, it doesn't matter in the sense that they are equal but different, but it simply isn't true to say that there is no difference whatsoever between the aptitudes of men and women. | ||
| And it is without question true that there are some biological differences between men and women, and we know that from our anatomy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we also know it from experiments that we do on young children, before they've had the opportunity to be socialized, the sorts of toys that they go for. | |
| And that holds true, actually, for other bits of the animal kingdom as well. | ||
| Some of the reason why girls drop out of STEM subjects at college and chess clubs is because they keep losing. | ||
| And one of the reasons they keep losing is that it does seem to be the case that chess as a game plays to some of the male intellectual virtues. | ||
| And when Simon Baron-Cohen talks about these, the way he describes it is men are good at systematizing And women are good at empathizing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there is some reason to suppose that that may have some basis in biology. | |
| It's very trendy these days to say that everything is socially determined, but that's not what the science says. | ||
| And it's not either what common sense says, because if it were true, these days there would be a lot more representation of women in the sciences, in astrophysics, in philosophy, in mathematics, and in chess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But there isn't. | |
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, Renny, does that make sense? | |
| That's done. | ||
| That chick should just go home. | ||
| She just pooped her stuff. | ||
| Just go home. | ||
| Because it's true. | ||
| It's not saying that men are better or women are better, but the idea that there's no difference between us and biological determinism is bullshit. | ||
| That's just ridiculous. | ||
| So, that dude is hilarious, and he's the guy who busted this guy. | ||
| He's the guy who had the article in Breitbart about this guy who's actually white and pretends to be black. | ||
| He's great, though. | ||
| I love his writing. | ||
| I love listening to him talk. | ||
| The guy's just, he nails it every time. | ||
| Dude's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he'll be on soon. | ||
| He's gonna, he'll be on here in a couple weeks for working something out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Jeffrey Ross is here now, though. | ||
| And now he's had some food. | ||
| Expertly eaten off mic. | ||
| Nobody would know anything if you didn't call me out, by the way. | ||
| I would have been all carved up and rejuvenated. | ||
| I love what you did. | ||
| I love how you handled it. | ||
| You did it professionally. | ||
| You guys got to watch some fucking bullshit about shit I don't care about. | ||
| What do you care about? | ||
| What do you think about Trump? | ||
| What do you think about Trump? | ||
| I feel like he has Charlie Sheen writing his material. | ||
| We're a nation of losers. | ||
| We need to be winners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Winning! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If he wins, I said this at the comedy store last night, if he wins, it's proof that there's no Illuminati in this country. | ||
| Or he's a part of it. | ||
| Or he's a part of it, but that seems unlikely. | ||
| That he's a part of the Illuminati? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would they want billionaires in the Illuminati? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| He's rogue. | ||
| He's on his own. | ||
| He's fucking crazy, huh? | ||
| I've roasted him a couple times. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He's a good sport. | ||
| He doesn't show it, but he is. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's he like as a person? | ||
| Uh, he's engaging. | ||
| He likes to ask a lot of questions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He likes to listen. | |
| About Mexicans? | ||
| Nah, we were on a pleasure trip down to Mar-a-Lago on his plane, me and Bruce Smirnoff. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Quite a while ago. | ||
| Nice to be back in the day. | ||
| I haven't heard that name in forever. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| He's very generous. | ||
| Bruce Smirnoff. | ||
| Yeah, Bruce and I on Trump's plane. | ||
| I remember the Donald. | ||
| This had to be in the 90s. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| No, early 2000s, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you're chilling on his plane. | ||
| We go down to Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| In Palm Beach, Florida. | ||
| Donald Trump's golf country club facility there. | ||
| Very fancy, very beautiful. | ||
| He gave us a Cadillac, Bruce and I, to tour around with for the weekend. | ||
| I did a show on the Saturday night. | ||
| Donald brought me up himself. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not an easy crowd. | ||
| I wouldn't think so. | ||
| You know, very formal, you know, the whole thing. | ||
| Bunch of creepy one-percenters on Adderall. | ||
| But very, very elegant and, in the end, very appreciative crowd. | ||
| And I roasted them at the Friars Club once, and I roasted them on Comedy Central once. | ||
| I remember him not laughing at all for like three comedians, and I went up to him during the commercial break, and I'm like, Donald, you have to at least smile so we have something to cut to other than other people laughing at you. | ||
| And he's like, oh, okay, I get it now. | ||
| So he's sort of smiling and enjoying himself a little bit. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What a weird guy he is, huh? | ||
| He's in a strange... | ||
| There he is right there. | ||
| Nice and orange. | ||
| Yeah, what's the orange all about? | ||
| He wears a lot of makeup. | ||
| Is that makeup or is that like spray tan shit? | ||
| From my HDTV, it always looks like caked on makeup. | ||
| He's got the original kissy face. | ||
| Go back to the other picture. | ||
| That's a kissy face. | ||
| That's a puss. | ||
| He's got a puss on. | ||
| Sour puss. | ||
| But there he doesn't have it. | ||
| So what is he doing there? | ||
| Pouty. | ||
| That's pouty. | ||
| Donald Trump. | ||
| You think it's possible that he could win? | ||
| How close do you think he's gonna get? | ||
| He's kind of a shoe-in for the Democrats, is what he is. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because a lot of people that would vote Republican are going to vote for him. | ||
| If he stays in, it's going to make things, especially if he goes independent, which is totally possible, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If he goes independent, he could be Ross Perot-ing this motherfucker. | ||
| Ross Perot sunk the ship of Herbert Walker Bush because everybody was torn between who to vote for. | ||
| There was the libertarian people that would have maybe possibly voted more fiscally conservative, so they would have gone with the Republicans. | ||
| Instead, they went with Ross Perot because he was laying it down how the taxes were and what the fuck was actually going on. | ||
| Whereas, that opened the door for Clinton. | ||
| What do you think about Bernie Sanders? | ||
| I like him. | ||
| I like what he's saying about education. | ||
| And I fucking hate when people say, you know, yeah, that's great. | ||
| I'm gonna have fucking people being educated on my tax dollars. | ||
| What about my tax dollars? | ||
| What about war? | ||
| Don't you know how much more it costs to go to war than it costs to educate people? | ||
| Don't you think it would be better if we had less people that were uneducated in this country or if we had less people that were leaving college in fucking massive debt? | ||
| If you're a kid, okay, if you're 18 to 21 years old, which is most people that are in college, You don't need to be saddled down with hundreds of thousands of dollars in education debt. | ||
| That's fucking gross. | ||
| It's gross and it's stupid and it speaks to poor management of our civilization. | ||
| That's what I think about our situation in America when it comes to colleges and the amount of money that kids get straddled down with. | ||
| Saddled down, rather, with debt. | ||
| They're fucked. | ||
| You know, especially if you talk to someone who goes to medical school. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Right. | ||
| My friend, he was hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt before he left medical school. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| Just fucked! | ||
| Like it takes you forever to make that money because you don't just make the hundreds of thousands of dollars, you gotta make a living too. | ||
| And incentivize you to deal with the system the way it is and not adapt to some new health plan in this country or whatever. | ||
| You just gotta get your nut. | ||
| Well, it becomes a game. | ||
| It becomes a game. | ||
| Just like the cop thing we're talking about, the cop thing. | ||
| It becomes a game of convicting people, going after people, convicting them, getting the win, getting the victory. | ||
| Well, with doctors, it becomes a matter of getting people to have surgery. | ||
| I had a friend of mine tell me, when he was 16 years old, he was working as a Like, some vacation resort. | ||
| You know, he's working as, like, somebody who works at the resort. | ||
| And he said he overheard these fucking doctors talking about talking someone into getting an operation. | ||
| And they were going, cha-ching! | ||
| They were just talking about how, you know, I talked him into getting this, and that means I get this. | ||
| Like, they were talking about it like a guy was talking about selling Chevys. | ||
| It's like, and these all doctors, they were together. | ||
| So just like comics would get together and shoot the shit, doctors get together and shoot the shit. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I told them to get a fucking fake knee. | ||
| Giving each other knuckles. | ||
| And he goes, it changed forever the way I thought about doctors. | ||
| He goes, I left, you know, I didn't work there anymore. | ||
| I never thought about doctors the same way because of that conversation those guys had. | ||
| I would have never been privy to that in any of the circumstances. | ||
| But a few guys sitting around at a resort, having a couple cocktails, getting a little loose with the lip. | ||
| We found out what they were really all about. | ||
| It's because they're fucked. | ||
| They're fucked not just with the amount of money that they have to pay for their education, but also malpractice insurance is crazy. | ||
| My cousin is a surgeon. | ||
| He was in practice in New Jersey for years and said, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to work for an emergency room where I share. | ||
| And it just took a lot of pressure off him in his life. | ||
| And I think he got happier and probably became a better doctor. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what I think about Bernie Sanders. | ||
| A lot of responsibility, a lot of constant work to run the practice and protect yourself. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And you know, people do need to be protected. | ||
| I mean, there are doctors that fuck up. | ||
| We showed that lady who got her feet fucking amputated and her hands amputated. | ||
| And they fucked up. | ||
| They literally amputated the wrong person's feet and hands. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| This is fucked up. | ||
| You see the Sarah Silverman, Bernie Sanders video? | ||
| She did a speech for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And it was really powerful. | ||
| And it's really cool that she did that because, you know, Bernie is somebody I think a lot of people, younger people, would like also. | ||
| Because on Facebook, a lot of the younger people I'm friends with are always posting Bernie Sanders. | ||
| Why are you friends with little kids, man? | ||
| The fuck's going on? | ||
| I'm talking six-year-olds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But did you see the giant rallies that he's put together, including one in LA? There's like 18,000 people seeing him in LA. That's great. | ||
| Well, he gives you hope that there's someone that represents a more open-minded, a more current point of view, I think. | ||
| And I think, you know... | ||
| There's this fucking Ted Cruz and all these people that are running and you're like, ooh. | ||
| You look at them and you go, this guy can't win. | ||
| Can he win? | ||
| You see guys like that and you go, oh, come on. | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| Like Chris Christie. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Can he really win? | ||
| You get more standoffish and scared by it than anything. | ||
| He had to run because... | ||
| Of all the scandals he had. | ||
| Otherwise it would have made him seem guilty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think he had to run in order to go, everything's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an interesting way of looking at it. | ||
| I'm from New Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, it's me too. | ||
| I was born in Newark. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| When were you born? | ||
| 65. You're older than me. | ||
| 67. August 11th. | ||
| September 13th. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Basically two years apart from each other, pal. | ||
| Here we are. | ||
| Same hospital, maybe. | ||
| What hospital? | ||
| Beth Israel? | ||
| Is that the name of it? | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| I was hoping you would say something. | ||
| I'd go, that sounds like mine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll have to ask my mom. | ||
| You guys didn't go, like, know each other at all? | ||
| We met each other in New York in like 1990, maybe? | ||
| 91, maybe? | ||
| When did you start? | ||
| What year did you start doing stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
April Fool's Day, 1989. Wow. | |
| Yeah, I started in 88, August 27th, 1988. Where was that? | ||
| Stitches, Boston. | ||
| And I made it to New York somewhere around 90, 91. That's probably when I met you. | ||
| We'll meet it. | ||
| I was backing up at Catch a Rising Star. | ||
| Aha! | ||
| Didn't we meet at Boston Comedy, maybe? | ||
| Probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that where we met? | |
| I would host there and do spots there. | ||
| It was a great little spot, wasn't it? | ||
| It was good. | ||
| That was a great little spot. | ||
| That was one of those really tiny rooms. | ||
| Like, that was a 90-seater, like, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did it even seat 90? | ||
| Probably something like that. | ||
| Maybe a little more. | ||
| In the village? | ||
| I'm going to say 120, but I could be off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's get crazy. | |
| Let's say 120. Yeah, it was a great little spot. | ||
| Charlie Barnett, there's a cool article about him in the New York Times last week. | ||
| Charlie Barnett, who died of AIDS. Sad, sad, sad story. | ||
| But he was the king of the park in Washington Square Park, and he would go on at that Boston Comedy Club and the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| Well, he would do a lot of sets out on the street. | ||
| He would do shows on the street. | ||
| He'd throw his hat down. | ||
| And Dave Chappelle used to, like, he learned from him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Chappelle used to do a lot of shows like that. | ||
| I saw him do it in Montreal. | ||
| We did a show at Club Soda. | ||
| Remember Club Soda? | ||
| Yeah, it's still there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They called it something different now, though, isn't it? | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Anyway, we did a show at Club Soda, and then outside, Dave just starts, just like, gather round, gather round, and he starts doing stand-up. | ||
| He got all that from Charlie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dave and I both lived on the sides of that park, and we used to watch Charlie all the time, and then I think when Charlie passed away, Dave kind of took over that mantle in the fountain on the weekends, and sometimes during the week, and he really found his voice, I think, in that park. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you guys used to go and watch Charlie perform in the park? | ||
| For hours and just hang out with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that like? | |
| It was great. | ||
| You had to get your work done back then. | ||
| We lived in small apartments. | ||
| There were no cell phones. | ||
| You had to do whatever you were going to do. | ||
| If it was an email or a phone call, you had your phone in your house and you went and did all that. | ||
| You left messages and got messages. | ||
| And you went out. | ||
| When you were out, you were present in the moment and you were loving every second of it. | ||
| Dave and I would hang around Washington Square Park and try to talk to NYU girls who were studying and whatever we could do and find some weed and we would brainstorm and write jokes and we'd eat lunch in the park and listen to music. | ||
| There was always the acrobats were in the park and Master Lee, a karate comic, would come and Charlie Barnett, this guy that was just hilarious, would, you know, like you said, he would jump up on the fountain and Showtime! | ||
| It's showtime! | ||
| And all his jokes are real simple and he could work the crowd. | ||
| A homeless guy walks by, he had a joke. | ||
| Japanese tourists walks by, he has a joke, he'd mimic him. | ||
| You know, and you know, it was a great show for anyone, 8 to 80, rich or poor. | ||
| Even if you don't speak English, you're laughing at Charlie. | ||
| He was so physical and funny, and it was a great time. | ||
| I remember there were riots in Los Angeles. | ||
| It might have been Rodney King, and we got warnings in New York to be careful. | ||
| There might be riots in New York, and Charlie walked me home. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I'm going to have your N-word walk you home. | ||
| He was just real endearing, and I loved him. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Well, he was supposed to do Saturday Night Live, but apparently when he got there, they realized that he couldn't read. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of a crazy story. | ||
| You know, I mean, he was like a hot comic. | ||
| A lot of people wanted him to do things, but he didn't know how to read. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He was super, super funny. | ||
| It's interesting that he had that style, you know, that that style influenced a lot of people. | ||
| That style of like doing street comedy, you know, just gathering a crowd out of nowhere. | ||
| I never had the guts to go on outside like that, but Chappelle watched him and watched him and watched him and Charlie sort of bringing him up every now and then. | ||
| He'd let him do a few minutes and Eventually, Dave, that just became one of his chapters. | ||
| It was amazing to watch. | ||
| Charlie was loud and his jokes were really short. | ||
| Dave was more soft-spoken and his jokes were longer. | ||
| So to see that in the park was fascinating because the park had to come to Dave a little bit and you really saw, at least I really saw, Having hung out there every night that every day, you know, sometimes Dave would do a few couple shows on a Sunday in the park and he'd make real fans and he got a real sense of who he was right there doing that. | ||
| I mean, it was magic to see a young genius in the middle of the public, just being him and having the public come to him, gravitate to him. | ||
| It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing to see. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I got a chance to see him perform at Catch Rising Star when he might have been 18. How old is Dave now? | ||
| Don't ask. | ||
| Look on the fucking computer. | ||
| I'm asking you because you got a computer in front of you. | ||
| How old is Dave Chappelle? | ||
| 45. How old is Dave Chappelle? | ||
| Dave Chappelle is 41. Okay, so he's six years, seven years younger than me. | ||
| So that doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Because I was only like 23. Is that true? | ||
| Maybe he didn't get it. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| 41? | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| He's 42, because he was born August 24th, 1973, and I was born in 74, and I'm 41. Well, that's five days from now. | ||
| It was the 24th. | ||
| 1973, though. | ||
| So he's 42. Next week. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Next week he's 42. Oh, I see. | ||
| He got mad. | ||
| Damn it! | ||
| My math skills! | ||
| So if he's 42, I must... | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I guess maybe I was two... | ||
| So he's six years younger than me? | ||
| So I was... | ||
| Man, that seems weird. | ||
| Because I was really early 20s. | ||
| I was like 21 or 22. At the most, I was 24. Dave was doing comedy as a high school student. | ||
| Yeah, I guess he was 18 and I was 24. That makes sense, now that I think about it. | ||
| But I got a chance to see him at Catch Rising Star. | ||
| I was like, wow, what a precocious young man. | ||
| He was so advanced for his age. | ||
| And he was a lot like Tony Woods. | ||
| Remember Tony Woods? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| He was also from D.C., a hilarious guy. | ||
| I think Tony and him probably worked together. | ||
| They worked together. | ||
| I think Dave will fully admit that he was influenced by Tony. | ||
| Tony, they were good buddies. | ||
| I think they still are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You always had this love for the older comics. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| You were one of the first guys going to the Friars Club. | ||
| And I was like, look at Jeff. | ||
| He's in his fucking 20s. | ||
| He's hanging out at the Friars Club. | ||
| I had love for all comics. | ||
| And that's where the older comics were. | ||
| And they were smart. | ||
| I learned a lot. | ||
| Just about how life works. | ||
| Not just show business. | ||
| That's obvious. | ||
| You get to talk to an older comic about show business. | ||
| But I would talk to Buddy Hackett for hours about guns and pussy and politics and travel and food and booze. | ||
| And he knew everything. | ||
| Isn't it weird that there's a club, Friar's Club, like a dedicated comedian's club? | ||
| Comedy, show business, I see politicians there, musicians there, agents, lawyers. | ||
| Is that still going on, the Friar's Club? | ||
| Oh yeah, thriving, the Friar's Club on 55th Street between Park and Madison in New York City. | ||
| So it's not just comics? | ||
| No. | ||
| It wasn't always just comics? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's well known for the roasts, so comics are identified with it, but it's a fraternity for show business, basically. | ||
| A show business themed club. | ||
| And it's in New York and in LA? No, it's only in New York. | ||
| It was in LA for a long, long time, but not anymore. | ||
| When did it... | ||
| When Milton Berle died, it kind of died with him. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| Ten years ago, I think. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you ever meet Bob Hope? | ||
| I never met Bob Hope. | ||
| I met him once. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| I was just a kid, but he was very nice. | ||
| He was golfing. | ||
| I was at the Memorial Tournament. | ||
| And there was this huge crowd of people and he was just walking by and he just looked over at me for some reason, just walked up to me and goes, hey kid! | ||
| And he signed my little paper thing and then just walked away. | ||
| Didn't take anyone else's photos or sign anyone else's shit. | ||
| I didn't even do anything different. | ||
| He just came right up. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Well, back in those days, there was not that many photos, because you didn't have a camera on me when I met Bob Hope. | ||
| Everybody's got a camera on them now. | ||
| Well, back then, I met Henny Youngman when I was a little kid, and he gave me a card, and I still have it. | ||
| I mean, I kind of like that. | ||
| You carried it in your pocket? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You would just reach for your wallet, like you still have it? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Do you still have it? | ||
| No, I do, but not Ami. | ||
| It was a music note with his name, with his autograph. | ||
| So cool, yeah. | ||
| He played violin in his acts. | ||
| Take my wife. | ||
| Take my wife, please. | ||
| He was a funny guy. | ||
| His picture is still hanging up at the Friars Club by Leroy Neiman, a beautiful painting. | ||
| It's like a living, breathing museum of show business. | ||
| But there's no place like that in LA anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| Too bad, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were there that many old comics that are still kicking around in L.A.? Well, you know, there's always an old comic, you know. | ||
| It might not be from the Dean Martin Friars, you know, Celebrity Roast era, but there's always a new old comic. | ||
| Have you ever seen some of the memorabilia they have laying around the store from back when it used to be Ciro's and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to perform there? | ||
| I haven't. | ||
| Oh, you gotta go into the office and see some of the cool posters and that old Ciro's sign. | ||
| It was Bugsy Siegel's joint. | ||
| Pretty wild. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Well, that's why everybody thinks it's haunted. | ||
| They think so many people were killed there. | ||
| There's a tunnel in the back of the comedy store. | ||
| Did they close it off? | ||
| Is it closed off? | ||
| Yeah, it's closed off by concrete, I think, right? | ||
| Something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But there was a tunnel that went from the Comedy Store up the hill to a house that, like, people could escape through or they could fucking move shit to. | ||
| You know, the Comedy Store is just filled with catacombs and it's just fucking so clustered and confusing if you don't know your way around that place. | ||
| If you're some cop and you're looking for Meyer Lansky and he fucking just skirts out the back and... | ||
| I've seen bullet holes and stuff. | ||
| That's what it looked like. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Go big screen on that. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the main room, man. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| Because you kind of recognize it a little bit. | ||
| Looks like Jessica Rabbit should come out and start singing. | ||
| Which probably we did back then. | ||
| Or some facsimile. | ||
| Whoa, look at that. | ||
| That's what the stage looked like? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That might not be the same place. | ||
| That seems off. | ||
| But the other one was Ciro's, right? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a stripper. | ||
| Who is the girl? | ||
| A stripper. | ||
| Stripper Lil St. What is her name? | ||
| Cyr. | ||
| Lily St. Cyr? | ||
| C-Y-R? How do you say that? | ||
| Performing at Ciro's Nightclub. | ||
| A stripper at Ciro's. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Look at these old ladies watching this. | ||
| Look what it looked like. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Look at the photo down. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the fucking front of the store, man. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| That is nuts. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| God, it looks so similar to what it looks like now. | ||
| Frazier Smith still drives that car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| That's a cool old car, man. | ||
| Those cars are worth a fuckload of money now. | ||
| That house isn't there anymore, right? | ||
| That's where the hotel is, to the right of it. | ||
| Yeah, let me chop that bitch down. | ||
| But that's definitely the store. | ||
| Like, the patio's there. | ||
| It's all intact. | ||
| Look at the sign. | ||
| Sammy Davis Jr. Wow. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| Will Masten? | ||
| That was his dad. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| His uncle. | ||
| That was his uncle that he tap dance with. | ||
| Oh, so he worked with? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Everybody pulling into the front. | ||
| Fuck, that's crazy to see. | ||
| It's crazy to see a place. | ||
| That's the fucking back parking lot, man. | ||
| That's the side area. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That is so weird. | ||
| It's so weird to see that place like that. | ||
| Wait, so that's where the belly room is right here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think, isn't it? | |
| Yeah, I mean, doesn't that look like the corner? | ||
| It does, kind of. | ||
| It looks totally like the corner. | ||
| And so I guess there's a sign in the front. | ||
| Or is that the front of the building? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That has to be the marquee. | ||
| That's the front of the building. | ||
| Yeah, that's the front. | ||
| It just looked way different. | ||
| It was just set up way different. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| There's so much history in that place. | ||
| That place, it feels like comedy musical chairs, too. | ||
| Because it feels like the music's gonna stop and everyone's gonna be really sad. | ||
| Because when Mitzi dies, who knows what that place is gonna become. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| What is that guy doing with his dick? | ||
| Is he throwing a girl up in the air? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's got his hands over his dick doing voodoo. | ||
| He's barefoot. | ||
| That guy's barefoot. | ||
| And he's throwing that woman in the air. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I wonder if anybody's ever done a documentary on C-R-O's. | ||
| New York doesn't really have a club like that, huh? | ||
| They don't have an old club. | ||
| Like, what's the oldest club in New York? | ||
| Comedy Cellar. | ||
| But that's like the 80s, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| 70s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 70s? | ||
| That's pretty old. | ||
| So Cellar is the oldest place, you think? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Comic Strip's been here a long time, but nothing is like this. | ||
| Catch was great. | ||
| That was a great little room. | ||
| That was a great little spot. | ||
| Man, this is freaking me out. | ||
| These photos are zeros. | ||
| Now, you go back and forth. | ||
| You go back and forth from New York to LA. Yeah, I'm in New York and LA. I'm bi-coastal. | ||
| So you just have fun. | ||
| Just do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| You're kind of living a dream, Jeff Ross. | ||
| Things are good. | ||
| But you're kind of living a dream, you know, the way you do it. | ||
| I see you taking pictures, like, there was a picture of you the other day with Ray Romano in the cellar, and then boom, all of a sudden you're at the store. | ||
| You know, like, you just hop back and forth, and Ari's doing that, too. | ||
| Ari's your fear's doing that, too. | ||
| I like it, man. | ||
| I like, you know, you make the world smaller and I'm happy in both places. | ||
| I like to move around. | ||
| I like life on both. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Where do you like performing better? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess generally I like New York as a city, but I have all my friends out here. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you keep an apartment out here? | ||
| I have a house here. | ||
| So you have a house here and a place back there, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at you, you fucking animal. | ||
| I love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucka! | |
| I like it. | ||
| Whatever happened to The Burn? | ||
| What happened, Comedy Central? | ||
| Yeah, they didn't make it after two seasons. | ||
| That was a fun show. | ||
| Yeah, so fun. | ||
| Fucking love that. | ||
| But you'd be tied down. | ||
| Then you'd have to stay here. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| I would have done it for that. | ||
| I had all my buddies there working. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| You got anything going on right now? | ||
| Working on the next special. | ||
| I'm going to roast cops. | ||
| Right, you talked about that earlier. | ||
| I'm going to host the Oddball Tour with Amy and Aziz and I'm on Kingdom. | ||
| A couple new ideas coming up. | ||
| Things are good, man. | ||
| It's good to see you, buddy. | ||
| This is so much fun, dude. | ||
| You seem like it. | ||
| You seem overwhelmed. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| He's just very Did you ever meet Steve Martin? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never met Steve Martin. | ||
| Is there a comic that you want to meet that you haven't met? | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I never met Woody Allen. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| What do you think that conversation would be like? | ||
| I'd keep it about comedy. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to. | ||
| If you ventured into girls, it would get a little weird. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Start getting sweaty. | ||
| That'd probably be a fun conversation. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I think he would. | ||
| He would open up to a comic before he would open up to anybody else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you feel like you'd just tell Woody Allen everything? | ||
|
unidentified
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Me? | |
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Pull him aside. | ||
| I feel like he'd be very open-minded. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You know, it's all dependent on who you're listening to. | ||
| If you listen to Mia Farrow, no. | ||
| Not so much. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But he's obviously a creative genius. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| But, you know. | ||
| I got to know Mel Brooks. | ||
| That's my other one. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Spent a lot of dinners at Sid Caesar's house listening to Mel. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| That's gigantic. | ||
| I asked my Uncle Murray, he was coming out to visit a couple years ago, I said, if he could meet anybody, he's never been to LA, been all over the world, he's a Purple Heart, Silver Star recipient, World War II Army medic, helped liberate a concentration camp, dined all over the world, best restaurants in the world, was a caterer, had a great life, outlived two wives, loved them both, he's never been to LA. I said, what do you want to do? | ||
| If he could meet, do anything, what would he do? | ||
| He's like, I'd like to meet Mel Brooks. | ||
| I was like, well, what's your second choice? | ||
| Because that's not happening. | ||
| And, you know, he's coming, he's coming, and it's getting closer, so fuck it, I write a letter to Mel Brooks. | ||
| A letter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And I knew where his office was, and I knew Mel a little bit, because I'd sat in Sid Caesar's house for different holidays and birthdays, and he'd always pop in with Carl Reiner. | ||
| Even when Sid was frail and old, Mel and Carl would make a big entrance. | ||
| Mel would lean right into Sid's wheelchair. | ||
| Mel! | ||
| Sid! | ||
| It's Mel Brooks and Carl Ryder! | ||
| And you see Sid light up. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| And, you know, it was like Fourth of July weekend a couple years ago. | ||
| And finally I'm like, fuck. | ||
| My uncle's only here for another couple more days. | ||
| We're having a great time. | ||
| We went to Fred Willard and Mary Willard's fireworks party. | ||
| And I took him to the polo lounge with Bob Saget. | ||
| And we've been having so much fun. | ||
| And he saw Renee Taylor at Genghis Khan Chinese restaurant. | ||
| He got a picture. | ||
| And, you know, my uncle's having the best time. | ||
| But, man, he did say, you know, months ago, that would be the one thing where the creme de la creme would be, you know, just a handshake and a photo with Mel Brooks. | ||
| I'm a little embarrassed, so I go into the bathroom and I call Mel's office because I don't want my uncle to hear me, even though he's 90, you know? | ||
| And I'm like, just make sure you got the letter, you know, following up. | ||
| I'm just like being as humble and, yeah, yeah, Mel's been out of town. | ||
| I'll see if I can get an answer to it. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| I have to go to an emergency dental appointment. | ||
| I think a filling fell out, so I take my uncle. | ||
| To the dentist with me. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| It's 10.30. | ||
| Now I'm like, how do I kill our last day with my uncle? | ||
| I love my Uncle Murray. | ||
| He's just the family ball buster. | ||
| Mean Murray, we called him. | ||
| And he just basically made fun of me as a kid and taught me how to take a joke. | ||
| Like a real Jersey guy. | ||
| You know, lifelong caterer. | ||
| Just super funny. | ||
| And we're up. | ||
| I'm showing him, you know, Mulholland and this and that. | ||
| And we're right at the top of Laurel Canyon and Mulholland and my cell phone rings. | ||
| Hold for Mel Brooks. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is where he's calling? | ||
| Like, there's gonna be no service up here. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| Like, this is... | ||
| Mel gets on. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Basically, so what's going on? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm trying to talk and drive down this hill all at once. | ||
| And I'm like, well, you know, I think it would be so nice of you to meet my uncle. | ||
| He just loves you. | ||
| Whatever I can say. | ||
| I think you guys, you're both World War II veterans. | ||
| We might have a lot in common. | ||
| And Mel goes, the only thing I have in common with you, with your uncle, is that I'm a nice guy. | ||
| So come on over in an hour and a half over to my office or the barbershop. | ||
| I don't know yet. | ||
| I'll call you back. | ||
| Click. | ||
| I go down the hill, and we're both in shorts, so we're panicking. | ||
| So we're racing down Laurel Canyon, and we run home to put long pants on and just comb our hair or whatever. | ||
| I'm just coming from the dentist, you know? | ||
| And my uncle's like, he doesn't ever... | ||
| He doesn't ever wait on line. | ||
| Like, you know, he has certain rules. | ||
| He's like a very proud, stubborn guy, you know, seen it all, and he's like nervously rehearsing opening lines to say to Mel Brooks... | ||
| What did he say to him? | ||
| He's like, how's this? | ||
| He goes, my uncle goes, how's this? | ||
| He goes, it's good to meet the king. | ||
| Because, you know, it's good to be the king is Mel's famous line. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I've never seen my uncle think of anything as second thought, you know. | ||
| And we get there and we have this parking spot on the lot right next to Mel's parking space. | ||
| And it's beautiful. | ||
| It's where they shot Gone with the Wind. | ||
| It's like this beautiful movie lot. | ||
| My uncle's, you know... | ||
| He has very bad knees, very, very weak knees from walking across Europe in World War II. He can barely stand for... | ||
| He was a very strong guy, worked his whole life as a cook in his catering hall, but now he's old and he can't... | ||
| Mel's office, for some reason, who, by the way, is only a year younger or two years younger, is on the second floor of this building. | ||
| So now my uncle, who can really... | ||
| Flies up this flight of stairs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Into Mel's office. | ||
| The assistant is there. | ||
| You're gonna get a drink? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, my uncle's just like in the fucking zone. | ||
| And Mel's door opens and they go in there and they promise me, you know, five or ten minutes with Mel. | ||
| These two guys are in there for 75 minutes. | ||
| They know the same guys. | ||
| They were both in Patton's army. | ||
| They knew guys from New Jersey. | ||
| They knew guys from New York. | ||
| They're laughing. | ||
| You know, uh... | ||
| My uncle says, I've been a fan ever since the 2,000-year-old man. | ||
| And Mel says, it's the 1,000-year-old man. | ||
| Don't make me older than I am. | ||
| And they're just laughing, and I'm just staying out of the way. | ||
| I'm giving them both a couple setup lines because I kind of know both of their, you know, where they're going. | ||
| I'm trying to be helpful, but they've tuned me out for over an hour. | ||
| And they hit it off, and Mel signed a bunch of... | ||
| Gave my uncle his DVD set and signed it to my uncle. | ||
| And Mel walks us out himself. | ||
| And we took pictures. | ||
| A great picture. | ||
| I'll Instagram it this week or something. | ||
| And the door closes and we're walking down the hall. | ||
| And my uncle, who's never at a loss for words, he's bouncing. | ||
| And he's like, wow! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Like a little kid coming off a roller coaster. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Uncle Murray. | ||
| That's a great story. | ||
| Uncle Murray. | ||
| He passed away. | ||
| Rest in peace. | ||
| We're not going to top that, so let's wrap it up right here. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| That's a great fucking story. | ||
| Thank you, Mel Brooks. | ||
| And then I see Mel. | ||
| You know, I thank him. | ||
| I thank him. | ||
| You know, he always asks me about Uncle Murray, and then Uncle Murray finally passed away. | ||
| And I said to Mel, I said, listen, Mel, if any of your uncles ever want to meet me, I'm happy to oblige. | ||
| LAUGHTER The Real Jeffrey Ross on Twitter and on Instagram. | ||
| Thanks, brother. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| It's a lot of fun, buddy. | ||
| Thanks for having me on your show. | ||
| He's always around. | ||
| You can see him at the store. | ||
| You see him in New York. | ||
| If he's in New York. | ||
| Come to Roast Battle on Tuesdays. | ||
| Roast Battle on Tuesdays. | ||
| Come see me on Yaball Tour, University of Rhode Island. | ||
| Come see Brian Redband tonight at the Sold Out Ice House show, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, nice. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have some fun tonight at the Ice House. | ||
| Tony's on that one. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, Joey Diaz, and Brian Callen. | ||
| Good fucking googly moogly! | ||
| This weekend, I'm at the store. | ||
| Friday night, I'm doing the late show in the belly room with me and the Golden Pony. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, that should be fun. | ||
| That's Friday night, 10.30 at the store. | ||
| And I'm at the store all weekend, too. | ||
| Alright, you fucks. | ||
| Love the shit out of you people. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye-bye. |
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