April 3, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:21:45
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're live? | ||
| Jesus Christ, man, I'm tweeting. | ||
| Ustream.tv forward slash J-O-E-R-O-G-A-N. Boom. | ||
| Tweet. | ||
| Fresh from making Bigfoot his bitch. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Les Stroud. | ||
| What's up, buddy? | ||
| Hey, Joseph. | ||
| Fun seeing you tonight, man. | ||
| What the hell are you doing, man? | ||
| I know, I'm like, you just got off stage at the Comedy Store, which I couldn't believe you were there and I was here. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| So I was like, yeah, David Spade, Amy Shuler, it's like stellar life. | ||
| And then you totally brought your engineers. | ||
| I was like, what, were these guys sleeping? | ||
| No, Brian was at the store too. | ||
| Brian was at the store. | ||
| And Jamie, I told him today that you were going to come by. | ||
| I alerted him this afternoon that we had worked out accommodations. | ||
| And here we are. | ||
| You got energy, man. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Well, you're flying tomorrow morning too, right? | ||
| I do what I like to do. | ||
| If you do what you like to do, you got energy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And both my cameraman and my field producer, they're completely my bitches now because they're not here. | ||
| And they're like the biggest fan of you. | ||
| And I'm like, so you're going, what, to bed? | ||
| And they're going to bed now. | ||
| They're going to bed at the Sheridan. | ||
| It's like, okay, well, you're pussies. | ||
| I'm going to go hang with y'all. | ||
| Sleep is for the weak sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes it's good. | ||
| It's a good idea to get sleep. | ||
| It's a renewable resource. | ||
| That's what you gotta recognize. | ||
| And if you have an opportunity to do some shit that you probably couldn't do except if you stayed awake, you gotta stay awake! | ||
| If you don't stay awake, you're not willing to suffer! | ||
| You can't suffer a little... | ||
| If you can't pull an all-nighter, you don't get all-nighter memories. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I got some all-nighter memories from when I was in high school, man. | ||
| Sleeping, man, when you... | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't get memories from sleeping! | ||
| I know, I'm getting freaking older, and I'm still like, okay, I want to sleep less. | ||
| Actually, you do sleep less when you get older. | ||
| The testosterone's not flowing as much, and you can't do that, like, sleep until noon shit anymore? | ||
| You can't do that as you get older. | ||
| Which, in the end, is a cool thing, because you can hang out longer, you're just older. | ||
| You can, but you can also get up at 8 o'clock in the morning, jerk off, and go right back to sleep. | ||
| That works, too. | ||
| That does work. | ||
| You can sleep. | ||
| You just gotta, you gotta fucking, make sure you schedule it. | ||
| It's just moderation. | ||
| As long as you wake up hard, then you know you're still alive. | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| It might mean you just have to pee. | ||
| Pee-boners are the best, though. | ||
| That's the best fuck-boner. | ||
| They're useless. | ||
| They barely feel them. | ||
| Whose dick is this? | ||
| Yeah, you can't really use them, actually, either, can you? | ||
| You can, but you can't use them the same way. | ||
| No, it's not the same, though. | ||
| The cum doesn't want to come through the piece. | ||
| It usually lasts longer. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| It's a very eloquent way of expressing it. | ||
| It's a technique. | ||
| Fuck, we started at the bottom on this interview. | ||
| We're drinking. | ||
| We just got back from the comedy store. | ||
| It's 1 o'clock. | ||
| It's almost 1, 1230 in the morning. | ||
| It's late. | ||
| Last time I was with you, it was like 10 a.m., but it was all dark inside, and we had a beer. | ||
| Was it only 10 a.m.? | ||
| It was like 10 a.m. | ||
| in the morning. | ||
| But this is way more realistic. | ||
| This is better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I like doing them different times. | ||
| I think it's good to do them during the day sometimes, but it's also good to do it at night sometimes. | ||
| Especially like, we've never done it live, like leaving the comedy store and coming here. | ||
| But it's a move to do. | ||
| I mean, why not? | ||
| It's a first. | ||
| We own this joint. | ||
| We can just come in any time we want. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| It's like cutting an album, man. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Neil Young used to only do everything after midnight. | ||
| Of course he did! | ||
| He probably did it naked, too. | ||
| You know, back then before TMZ, probably everybody was on acid, just record it. | ||
| Stuff that sucks, throw it away. | ||
| I just don't want to picture Neil Young naked at this moment. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Just open up! | ||
| They usually have strippers, though, at these recording studios late at night. | ||
| Yeah, it's not just all dudes and Guinness. | ||
| So where are they now? | ||
| You don't want to. | ||
| Fuck up the dynamic. | ||
| Good set tonight. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| I was telling Joe, I was texting him at one point, because I was listening on Comedy Central, because I'm just addicted to stand-up comedy. | ||
| So tonight, for me, was awesomeness. | ||
| We're just going and seeing all those great comedians. | ||
| And I texted him, and I realized, you know how some comedians have a shtick, right? | ||
| The most obvious was Jeff Foxworthy with his redneck stuff and all that. | ||
| And with Joe, you were nailing into this stuff, and I was listening and I thought... | ||
| He's got a riff thing that he does there on analogies. | ||
| And I started calling it the rogue analogy. | ||
| Because it's like, well, you know when you get up in the morning and it's like an elephant giving you a blowjob through a straw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're sitting there going, actually, that is kind of like an elephant giving you a blowjob through a straw. | |
| I did not have a joke about an elephant and a blowjob in straw. | ||
| This is bad paraphrasing, ladies and gentlemen, from a drunk man. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But you got the analogy down. | ||
| You do that. | ||
| I'm not doing like the Joan Rivers post-Smoke Up Your Ass thing. | ||
| It's like, shit, you got that down. | ||
| Because I'm a stand-up comedian, I love it because I suck at it. | ||
| I could never do it. | ||
| It scares the crap out of me. | ||
| I couldn't tell the joke to save myself. | ||
| But listening to you do that and listening to you go into those analogies, it's like I'm going, oh shit, man. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That is like that. | ||
| And it is like an elephant. | ||
| I think pretty much anybody who's ever made anybody laugh can do stand-up. | ||
| It's just a matter of, do you want to do it? | ||
| If you wanted to do it, it would take a long fucking time. | ||
| But we all know guys who sucked at it in the beginning, but they were just such fans of comedy, they just kept chipping away until eventually they figured it out. | ||
| And now they're like legit stand-ups. | ||
| It just happens. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| I figure your 15 minutes out there, I just did 90 minute sets in LA and Vegas with my music, with my concert, right? | ||
| And I did these concerts and it was great, we kicked ass. | ||
| I figure my 90 minutes is barely as tough as your 15 minutes in stand-up comedy. | ||
| It's just different, man. | ||
| If you put the kind of time that you've put to searching for Bigfoot and writing music into stand-up comedy, you'd be really good at it. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not going to try it. | ||
| I'm not going to cut it. | ||
| Dude, how many more Bigfoot shows are you going to do before you catch this motherfucker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to know. | |
| Who says I don't already have them, man? | ||
| Because you already told me. | ||
| You already told me. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| It's a bizarre thing to be part of all of that. | ||
| And what's going on. | ||
| And how I ended up in this position. | ||
| It's because there's so much bullshit in the field. | ||
| Like, there's the nonsense that gets put out with, you know, you've got a show where you're trying to find Bigfoot. | ||
| And you've got to crank out 13 episodes, so you need to invent these crazy stories and silly stories and stupid stories. | ||
| And nothing much is going on. | ||
| Nothing much. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And I come along and I'm like, okay, you know what? | ||
| I'll just talk to these dudes who are into Bigfoot. | ||
| And you say he's there, you got him in a field, you're doing it. | ||
| Okay, take me there. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, leave me there in the field overnight. | ||
| Let's just see what the hell happens. | ||
| And so I approach it. | ||
| I did six shows this year. | ||
| First one premiered last night. | ||
| We were talking about this before the show aired, but I bear repeating, you might have invented the selfie. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You might have. | ||
| I was on the vanguard of... | ||
| It's very borderline because you did a lot of shows where it was just you alone in the woods with a camera pointed at yourself and you had the lens, you know, like if you look at those little video cameras that Les used, you know, they have that viewer that you could look at you or you could turn the camera towards you and flip the viewer around and you could see what you're filming when you're filming yourself, which is like a selfie. | ||
| It was a video selfie. | ||
| Nobody was doing it. | ||
| You were the first guy. | ||
| You were the first selfie guy. | ||
| The thing I did, what nobody else was doing was I put it on television. | ||
| International broadcast TV. That's the whole thing. | ||
| It's one thing to do it. | ||
| It's another thing to base a whole freaking show on it. | ||
| Way worse. | ||
| You did it by yourself in the fucking woods. | ||
| You did it in Africa. | ||
| You did it in the jungle. | ||
| You did it in the swamps. | ||
| You did it in the desert. | ||
| Just you. | ||
| Not like that fucking English guy sleeping in hotels. | ||
| We don't even say his name on this show. | ||
| That English fuck sleeping, pretending to fall down ice slides. | ||
| Johnny Appleseed. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| That Johnny Appleseed fuck. | ||
| Oh man, I could go so far on that story. | ||
| Don't even bother! | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Because it gives credibility to shit. | ||
| I heard that that guy only exists because you weren't willing to fake shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You weren't willing to fake shit. | ||
| The producers wanted to fake shit. | ||
| And they said, okay, we'll get Johnny Appleseed to fake some shit. | ||
| With an English accent. | ||
| Here I am swinging from vine to vine. | ||
| Looking for snakes. | ||
| I will eat them. | ||
| Bitch, you ain't eating any snakes. | ||
| You're gonna eat filet mignon at the Four Seasons, you fuck. | ||
| There's a van waiting to pick you up. | ||
| It's air-conditioned. | ||
| You got off all over you. | ||
| You're sleeping in fine linen. | ||
| Fine linen, you fuck. | ||
| He was very pretty, though. | ||
| He was very pretty. | ||
| He's still very pretty. | ||
| You're beautiful, too, man. | ||
| You got character. | ||
| You got a different kind of pretty going on. | ||
| Yeah, it was messed up. | ||
| I got asked over a long time, and like I said, I never put it down on the networks. | ||
| I'm still good with the networks, and networks are great. | ||
| Networks can suck my dick. | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of them. | |
| It comes down to one person. | ||
| It's always one person, though, right? | ||
| It's one ass that's just like, oh, now we need you to crank out a bunch of these. | ||
| I actually got asked, I actually got one producer asked, and they said, no one will ever know. | ||
| And I went, yeah, they will. | ||
| Yeah, they will. | ||
| And I'll know. | ||
| And that's... | ||
| I said, no, no, no. | ||
| And along comes the bullshit after that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's not their fault. | ||
| It's like, that's what they do. | ||
| On every other show, what they do is these artificial scenarios. | ||
| Even whether it's pawn wars, or fucking storage wars, or... | ||
| Oh, we gotta get this car finished by Friday, man! | ||
| No, you don't! | ||
| You don't! | ||
| You don't have to get this car... | ||
| You do whatever the fuck you want to do! | ||
| Well, I thought... | ||
| I remember the last podcast. | ||
| I remember you said you loved reality TV. And I said, I fucking hate reality TV. And I thought, that's something. | ||
| Did I say that? | ||
| You did, man. | ||
| I did, man. | ||
| That's totally you. | ||
| Are you too sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't say that. | |
| I love road rules. | ||
| He's mocking you. | ||
| He's mocking me because he knows me better than you. | ||
| I don't love reality shows. | ||
| Some shows are like Life Below Zero. | ||
| That's a dope show. | ||
| That's a legit show. | ||
| That show they don't fuck around with. | ||
| I was liking that Alaska, Last Frontier show, until I saw this fucking bear eating a filleted salmon. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you're baiting the bears, you assholes. | ||
| All that stuff's set up. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| Life Below Zero is not set up. | ||
| I know that for a fact. | ||
| I don't know the show. | ||
| I had this woman, Sue Akins, on the show who lives up there 200 miles above the Arctic Circle. | ||
| That bitch is gangster as fuck. | ||
| She lives up there by herself. | ||
| She got attacked by a bear. | ||
| She got fucked up and broke her hip, bit into her skull, fucked her up, broke her leg. | ||
| She went back and shot that bear and ate it. | ||
| That bitch doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| She's 51 years old. | ||
| She's a grandmother. | ||
| She smokes cigarettes every day. | ||
| She drinks whiskey and she lives by herself in a tent because you can't have permanent structures. | ||
| Like that lady's 100% legit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That was legit. | ||
| There's a few of those shows where those people live in such bizarre lives. | ||
| You don't have to set up some, oh, we need to get water. | ||
| We've got to figure out how to make this pump work again. | ||
| That's all stage shit. | ||
| They'll pretend something's broken, so they have to fix it, so they have some solution to some drama that comes up. | ||
| But if you live in a harsh enough environment, you don't have to invent the drama. | ||
| And that's what you did. | ||
| What you did, you were the first motherfucker who went out there, you really were starving. | ||
| You would see you on day one, and then you would see you five days later. | ||
| You looked like shit! | ||
| Like, you couldn't fake that. | ||
| You were dehydrated, you were shrinking, you would talk about it, you couldn't sleep, you had bugs crawling all over you, rats running across your fucking sleeping quarters. | ||
| Dude, you really did it. | ||
| And you did it by yourself. | ||
| It's so much different than what these fucking people are doing. | ||
| What these people are doing is, they're just baby-fucking us. | ||
| They're feeding us a spoonful of shit. | ||
| To me, they're making a mockery of something. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Johnny Appleseed! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fuck! | |
| Before Survivorman, there was no survival genre. | ||
| There wasn't. | ||
| And now, the plethora of shows, I just watched one where there was, let's just say, dual people surviving. | ||
| Hey, what are you saying? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| That show, too? | ||
| It was hard to watch. | ||
| I like how that dude walks around barefoot. | ||
| I know one of those guys. | ||
| No, that guy's long gone. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| Was he the real guy? | ||
| No, he wasn't legit either? | ||
| How about, if you're gonna go barefoot, okay, how about this? | ||
| No tools, you fuck. | ||
| You won't even wear shoes. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you treat me like such fucking... | ||
| Ignorance. | ||
| You don't have shoes on? | ||
| Well, what if you don't have shoes? | ||
| What if you don't have matches, you fuck? | ||
| How about you don't have a cell phone or a GPS? What if the director's not going to say cut and you go back to your hotel room after this? | ||
| Yeah, oh, they did that too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if you're still out there? | |
| Like the one I was watching the other night that led into my show. | ||
| There was a story like, what will they do next? | ||
| And they're crawling out of the snow shelter in the morning looking like they just had a shower and just pressed their clothing. | ||
| It's like, you know what, I've been there. | ||
| You don't look like that after a night in the frickin' snow. | ||
| You look like hell. | ||
| And they're all nice and clean, and the beard's trimmed, and everything's good. | ||
| It's like The Walking Dead. | ||
| That girl with the dark hair, she's hot as fuck, no matter what. | ||
| She never has zits. | ||
| I'd love to do a cameo on that show. | ||
| She has perfectly placed mud. | ||
| We have an in. | ||
| We know Josh McDermott. | ||
| He's the fake scientist. | ||
| He's a good friend. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Tell him. | ||
| I'm caught up now. | ||
| That show is so great. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's good. | ||
| I do everything through, like, my son. | ||
| I just wait, and he'll just, like, pick a show, and it's like, and The Walking Dead is one of those shows, we got this big screen at home, and I sat down beside him for, like, a moment. | ||
| Oh, what are you watching? | ||
| And, like, three hours later of binge-watching Walking Dead, I'm like, oh, shit, this is awesome! | ||
| Binge-walking is some shit that just didn't exist in our time. | ||
| You never binge-watched a show. | ||
| You couldn't do it. | ||
| This is a new phenomenon. | ||
| People are getting bulging discs and shit in their back because they're sitting for 20 hours in a row. | ||
| People go to the hospital. | ||
| They have to fucking get massages. | ||
| People are jacked up, man. | ||
| Just from binge watching. | ||
| Well, God bless Science Channel. | ||
| They're putting Survivorman marathons on. | ||
| Well, there'll be like eight hours of Survivorman shows. | ||
| And I'll get postings from people that they watch... | ||
| All of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just like, wow. | |
| So how did you go from doing Survivorman to Survivorman Bigfoot? | ||
| Now, you told a story on our show that I've repeated ad nauseum because it's a fascinating story about your first experience with something that you couldn't explain. | ||
| You were in Alaska. | ||
| You flew in, very remote location, and you heard something that sounded like a primate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some bipedal primate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The bottom line was I thought, okay... | ||
| Who's the one person that you could take and drop in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a Bigfoot hotspot, and leave them alone to see what happens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| It'd be you. | ||
| Survivor man. | ||
| Has to be you. | ||
| It's gotta be me. | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| So I said, fuck, let's do it. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| So I'll do it. | ||
| And then I'll go after the... | ||
| Because I know you hate one of the dudes that I went out with. | ||
| Todd Stanning. | ||
| I don't hate him. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| But I know bullshit when I see bullshit. | ||
| Well listen, for the folks at home, let me show an image. | ||
| Let's show an image, Jamie. | ||
| Pull up this image. | ||
| This is a close-up of a Bigfoot, and I'm doing air quotes, a Bigfoot. | ||
| You got this, Jamie? | ||
| Pull that shit up. | ||
| Show the people. | ||
| This is a close-up. | ||
| This dude just got a big foot to stand still. | ||
| He's the only guy in history. | ||
| Got a big foot. | ||
| And he's got two other shots like that. | ||
| So the question I ask you is, the cool part is... | ||
| Look how bad that looks. | ||
| Look how perfectly trimmed hair. | ||
| Now, why does it look totally different in that picture than the other picture? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I see what you're doing. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Okay, but let me ask you a question. | ||
| Just for a second, look at it. | ||
| Okay, now, what if... | ||
| Oh, gee, don't you what if me, you fuck. | ||
| What if we're full of shit and it's real? | ||
| No, we're not, and that's not... | ||
| You don't know that? | ||
| Yeah, we do. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because every animal that lives, every fucking animal that lives, looks like that animal. | ||
| No animals look like a person in a fucking animal costume. | ||
| When you see something that looks like a person in an animal costume, it's a person in an animal costume. | ||
| It's Occam's razor. | ||
| Or it's a Bigfoot. | ||
| Nope, it's 2015. That is some shitty fucking special effects. | ||
| That is a dude in a monkey suit, 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Or CGI. Or CGI. First of all, what animal that's hairy ever has its hair matted down like that, like it's combed? | ||
| He's about to say the exact same thing, Joe. | ||
| Stupid ass fucking costume. | ||
| That thing's got aquanet on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Its hair is sprayed in place. | ||
| Pugs are sticking to it. | ||
| He's working at a fast food joint. | ||
| Dude, that looks so stupid. | ||
| The idea that that could possibly be Bigfoot, that's 100% a human being. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because it has human being dimensions to its face. | ||
| You look at a gorilla, you look at a chimp, you look at an orangutan, they have a different facial structure. | ||
| 100% different. | ||
| That's a human facial structure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The ratio between the nose and the eyes and the lips and the mouth, that's 100% a human being. | ||
| That's a shitty ass fucking mask. | ||
| Dr. Joseph Logan. | ||
| I am a scientist. | ||
| Okay, let me do this for you. | ||
| Okay, so let's call it the scale of believability. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's a zero. | ||
| Alright, so at this point, let's forget anybody who thinks they don't exist at all. | ||
| Let's just jump over. | ||
| Jamie, is that a zero? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that a zero? | ||
| It's a zero. | ||
| You were hesitant. | ||
| You don't want to say it's a zero. | ||
| You're just like Joe's looking at me. | ||
| He wants to say it's 100% Bigfoot. | ||
| I don't want to get fired, man. | ||
| Yeah, Joe, that's a zero job. | ||
| If he said it's 100% Bigfoot, I'd give him a raise. | ||
| Come on, Jimmy. | ||
| Come on, you know that's not Bigfoot. | ||
| You, Les Stroud. | ||
| But what if? | ||
| Les Stroud, you know that's not Bigfoot. | ||
| Okay, let me go back to what I was saying. | ||
| Come on, be honest. | ||
| If you had to bet your beautiful son over there, if you had to bet his life as to whether or not that's Bigfoot or not. | ||
| It's not Bigfoot. | ||
| It's a goddamn monkey suit. | ||
| That's not tough at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a tough one. | |
| That's not even a little tough. | ||
| He does not love you. | ||
| Why is Bigfoot standing still staring at a fucking camera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't the whole Bigfoot lore? | |
| Because I saw the shit leading up to this. | ||
| I saw the other footage. | ||
| Oh, the shit's leading up to this. | ||
| Oh, you saw the footage leading up to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| The footage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, but you weren't there. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, of course, this fucking guy you're hanging out with. | ||
| No, no, I'm not hanging out with him, believe me. | ||
| You got rid of him? | ||
| Let me hang out with so many of them now, and it's the whole shit. | ||
| That's what I want to get at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Okay, so let's just pretend. | ||
| Forget the people who don't think it exists at all. | ||
| Let's go to those who think that it does. | ||
| This is the biggest problem. | ||
| You get the scale of believability. | ||
| On the left side of the scale, you've got Gigantopithecus. | ||
| It's a big upright walking ape. | ||
| It's the missing link. | ||
| Well, how about you got Jane Goodall? | ||
| On the left side of the scale, you got Jane Goodall who believes it's real. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| As an ape. | ||
| As a species. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Neanderthal, maybe slightly humanoid. | ||
| You keep coming towards the center of the scale. | ||
| It's like, oh, it's really stealthy. | ||
| It's got certain abilities. | ||
| And you keep coming close to the middle of the scale. | ||
| It's got tons of incredible intelligence and everything. | ||
| Okay, now you hit the middle of the scale. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| On the far right of the scale... | ||
| It's always the far right that fucks everything up. | ||
| I know, the far right. | ||
| It does! | ||
| Because you know what the far right of the scale is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Aliens. | ||
| That's an alien? | ||
| Aliens. | ||
| So then you go to... | ||
| And on the far right, it's like paranormal, cloakability, fifth dimensional, vibrational control, all sorts of shit like that. | ||
| They can control cameras. | ||
| Yeah, they can control electronics. | ||
| They can do infrasound and screw you up like a lion or a tiger. | ||
| The craziest part is the argument is not between those who don't think it's real and those who do. | ||
| It's within the scope of all the people who think it is real. | ||
| That argument is insane. | ||
| Like the backstabbing and the fighting, it's like no. | ||
| And all the ape believers don't want any of the paranormal believers to say anything because they're all whacked and screwed up and we don't want them to say... | ||
| And all the paranormal believers don't want... | ||
| They're going to the ape believers saying, well, you're all closed-minded. | ||
| You're not open to the fact that it does this and it does that. | ||
| And it's this big cesspool of argumentative shit going on. | ||
| Like WWF. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's exactly like WWF. It is a lot. | ||
| It's E now. | ||
| WWF is like the 90s. | ||
| WWF stands for like, what the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And what I did, I dove right into that scale. | ||
| And landed myself on the land, out in the bush with all these different people. | ||
| And you just tried to be as objective as possible. | ||
| Yeah, what I said is, don't make me your poster boy. | ||
| I don't want to be your poster boy for eight believers. | ||
| I don't want to be your poster boy for alien believers. | ||
| Just put me out there and show me what you got. | ||
| Let's back this up for people who don't know. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Bigfoot? | ||
| Gigantopithecus? | ||
| What the fuck is Gigantopithecus? | ||
| Gigantopithecus is a real animal that absolutely did exist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They only have a few bones, and they founded an apothecary shop in China in the early 1900s. | ||
| Some guy found some teeth that he knew were not any known primate. | ||
| And then he said, where'd you get these teeth? | ||
| The people that run the apothecary shop lead him to this area, they do a dig, they find some jaw bones that indicate that this animal is most likely a bipedal primate, although that's under some dispute. | ||
| So what this means is there was something that was somehow or another related to other primates. | ||
| They think it might have been in the orangutan family, but this is a bipedal enormous animal that absolutely existed at the very latest 100,000 years ago. | ||
| It could have been earlier, but they know 100,000 years ago that thing was alive. | ||
| So 100,000 years ago, there were 100% human beings at the time, there was a fucking 8 to 10 foot tall, gigantic bipedal ape, which is Bigfoot. | ||
| I mean, it's a real fucking animal. | ||
| I'll add one tidbit to that, is the fact that if it doesn't, if it's extinct, it's the only... | ||
| Primate from that era that is extinct. | ||
| All the rest are still alive. | ||
| That's not totally true, because that Flores man, that hobbit man in the island of Flores, that little thing is dead, and that thing lived closer to today. | ||
| They have bones from that little fucker that was like 13,000 years ago. | ||
| How do you know it's dead? | ||
| How do you know it's extinct? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I mean, they all ran pendek. | ||
| And that's what everybody's saying is, how do you know they're extinct? | ||
| How do you know they're so intelligent, they're just hid in the vast forests of North America? | ||
| Well, that's a legit question. | ||
| Because if you go out to the forest, you know what you don't find? | ||
| Scientists. | ||
| You know, I'm fucking fucking finding scientists everywhere, surveying every inch of the land. | ||
| It is quite possible, like, you know, there's always these weird animals they find, like that vampire deer that lives in Vietnam. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| They have some fang deer. | ||
| Like, they talked about it, like villagers would talk about it, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you found a fang deer. | ||
| Okay, good luck with that. | ||
| But they really did find this goddamn thing. | ||
| See if you pull that up, Jamie. | ||
| Fang deer, I think of Vietnam. | ||
| This is like a mythical animal. | ||
| There's a gigantic chimpanzee they found as well. | ||
| Oh yeah, the Bondo ape. | ||
| That's a real animal. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| They know now for sure. | ||
| It was mythological until they found it. | ||
| The giant squid, mythological until they found it. | ||
| Just stories. | ||
| And that's the whole thing that happens with cryptozoology. | ||
| It starts off with just a story. | ||
| It's a deer with fangs. | ||
| What the fuck is that thing? | ||
| Now if I'd said to you before they discovered it... | ||
| You know that there's a deer with facts. | ||
| It's a vampire deer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you said not a chance, man. | ||
| They didn't find one of them? | ||
| No, there's a... | ||
| Well, it's a very densely populated or densely wooded area, but they know there's a family of them living there. | ||
| It's not just one. | ||
| They've observed more than one of these weird deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| And the chimps, the Bondo chimps, they have photographs of them. | ||
| They have tissue samples. | ||
| They have hair. | ||
| They have photographs of dead ones. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| Yeah, they know for sure that's a real animal. | ||
| And it's different. | ||
| It has a crest on its forehead. | ||
| They have skulls, a full, intact skull of a recently dead animal. | ||
| And there's a crest on its forehead like a gorilla, which chimps don't have. | ||
| So it's really confusing. | ||
| Which takes it out of cryptozoology and into... | ||
| Yeah, that's a real animal. | ||
| I mean, they have photos of it, they have videos of it, they have scientists that have gone down there and seen it. | ||
| Carl Armand, he's a Swiss wildlife photographer. | ||
| He started being obsessed with it, I believe, in 96. He started going down there to the Congo. | ||
| But it's in this really deep, deep, deep... | ||
| The Congo is giant. | ||
| It's like almost as wide as the entire United States. | ||
| And it's just dense jungle. | ||
| Like, good fucking luck finding what's in there. | ||
| And that's what you got... | ||
| With Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the same difference. | ||
| People aren't going. | ||
| And then those who are saying they see them or whatever, they're doctors, they're lawyers, they're conservation officers, they're hunters, they're anglers, they're hikers. | ||
| They're not all whack jobs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're not all whack jobs. | ||
| And you're the one guy, when everyone goes, oh, you know, it's all bullshit, I go, damn, I think Les knows some shit. | ||
| You know, when you say that you heard something that sounded like a gorilla and it's in the woods, it's possible. | ||
| Who the fuck sees a wolverine? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Good luck finding a wolverine. | ||
| You could wander around the woods your whole life and never see a wolverine. | ||
| Never see a dead one. | ||
| But they're out there. | ||
| We know they're out there. | ||
| You take whatever that is and lessen its population by 90%. | ||
| Now you have 10% of that population. | ||
| And it's smart. | ||
| You gonna find that thing? | ||
| And it's elusive, exactly. | ||
| 60,000 black bears in Ontario. | ||
| I've never seen a black bear skeleton. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, where's the bones? | ||
| Well, 60,000 black bears. | ||
| Never see a black bear. | ||
| You don't see predator bones. | ||
| Yeah, bears eat their bear skeletons. | ||
| And so now if you've got, let's say there's 8,000 Sasquatch in Ontario, and they're secret, and they're elusive, and they're intelligent, they're smart, and they bury their bones. | ||
| You're just not going to... | ||
| I say eight. | ||
| It's not a difficult... | ||
| I don't say 8,000. | ||
| If there's any of them, there's eight of them. | ||
| I think if there's any, there's like, there's 8,000. | ||
| You really think there's that? | ||
| I don't think there's that. | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| I think there's one dude. | ||
| That was one thing I pointed out on the show. | ||
| I was like, let's get past that. | ||
| This 1950s doo-wop hairdo looking at you. | ||
| It's one guy. | ||
| He's riding Loch Ness. | ||
| That's bullshit, though. | ||
| That's what we saw. | ||
| If there is a Bigfoot, that's not it. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's 100% bullshit. | ||
| That guy's a liar. | ||
| And it's unfortunate because people like that, these people that want to make shit up, they confuse the fuck out of everybody who wants to believe. | ||
| I think it's also confusing that you're using the word Bigfoot when that's not really what it is. | ||
| It's more like finding giant, you know, another one of these big apes. | ||
| Finding Gigantopithecus. | ||
| How do you know that? | ||
| Because putting, what, the original guy that made the Bigfoot name or whatever this big monster is, didn't they already find out that it was faked through the whole thing? | ||
| Well, no, that guy didn't make the name. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You're talking about the Patterson footage, which is... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Bigfoot came from the turning over the construction equipment and all the tracks that were found. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And that there was a fake guy who came out and said, but when you look at what was done there, the faker... | ||
| See, there's a problem is when the fakers are faking, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like someone, oh, I did that hoax, that was all me. | ||
| It's like, no, it wasn't, man. | ||
| You were drunk in Wisconsin at the time. | ||
| It had nothing to do with you. | ||
| But guys come out and claim to do the... | ||
| And now that really messes up the water because now you've got someone who's really, really just trying to find out. | ||
| And the hoaxers are hoaxing, you know, themselves. | ||
| And they didn't actually hoax it. | ||
| And that's the stuff that's messed up. | ||
| So, like, the first thing that guy, people point back to that, I can't remember the guy's name, who had the tracks to show. | ||
| Here's his wooden tracks. | ||
| He says, I did those tracks in that time, in the 50s. | ||
| Actually, he didn't. | ||
| And he couldn't have pulled off. | ||
| What they found. | ||
| Like, you would have needed 20 men and major machines and a big conspiracy just to make a bunch of tracks going up into the bush. | ||
| It's not realistic. | ||
| That's what I'm about a lot, is the whole thing is, well, it's a hoax, it's a hoax, it's a person, it's a hoax. | ||
| Hang on a second. | ||
| How many people are out in the woods dedicating their life to sticking a frickin' track in the mud in the middle of nowhere in the Sierra Nevadas or the Rocky Mountains? | ||
| They're not doing it. | ||
| Nobody's got time for that shit. | ||
| You know, a better argument, I think, is that the Native Americans had over 200 different names for this thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what's more interesting to me, because they don't really have a lot of mythological animals in the Native American lore. | ||
| There's not a lot of fake animals. | ||
| I mean, there's a few things that they believe in. | ||
| They had some weird gods that they worshipped, and they believed they could dance and make it rain. | ||
| Thunderbirds. | ||
| But, you know, the Thunderbirds thing is a weird one, too, man, because we know that there were certain species of bird that were enormous that went extinct. | ||
| We also know there's a thing called the Terrorbird that lived before the last Ice Age went away. | ||
| I believe they got them down to, like, 10,000-plus years ago. | ||
| So it was like, you're talking about the Pleistocene, right? | ||
| You're talking about when the saber-toothed tigers existed. | ||
| Giant sloth. | ||
| Yeah, woolly mammoths. | ||
| Well, they had this fucking bird, this giant seven-foot-tall bird that was, like, predatory, that would run around. | ||
| And there's one of them called the Shoebill that lives in the Congo that they think was like... | ||
| Have you ever seen that thing? | ||
| No, not the Shoebill. | ||
| Christ, you got to see this fucking thing. | ||
| This is a what a creepy ass bird. | ||
| It's called a shoebill. | ||
| It's a five foot tall prehistoric bird with a giant face like a fucking hatchet in its face. | ||
| It's got this giant like huge bill and it's like it catches fish. | ||
| There's this crazy BBC documentary they did in the Congo. | ||
| Look at that goddamn thing. | ||
| There's better ones of it though. | ||
| That's like a dick. | ||
| There's better ones. | ||
| Pull up, I'm pretty sure it's Shoebill. | ||
| Shoebill, Bird, Africa. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Below that. | ||
| That one right there. | ||
| Below it. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| All the way, yeah. | ||
| The one in the middle. | ||
| It was jacking that bird. | ||
| Yeah, that one that you were just clicking on. | ||
| That fucking thing. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Make that bigger, Jamie. | ||
| Look at that goddamn creepy-ass animal. | ||
| That's a duck. | ||
| Yeah, it's killing a duck. | ||
| You hate ducks. | ||
| Now, go back and there's another one in that series of images, right below that, where you see that thing face on. | ||
| Look at that, where it's looking at you head on, where you see it's Bill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| What a creepy fuck that is. | ||
| That's a real bird. | ||
| What a creepy goddamn dinosaur. | ||
| That thing's five feet tall, and it walks around like a fucking, like a fake animal. | ||
| It's like Dark Crystal. | ||
| And it jacks things in the water. | ||
| It's a horrible looking monster. | ||
| You already tapped into something you're really super right about, the whole Native American perspective on Bigfoot and all that. | ||
| If you go up into Winnipeg, and I was up there with them up there, they've got like their, you know, their seven teachings and stuff, and they're based on the raven and the wolf and the fox and the bear. | ||
| And right in the middle, It's Sabe, Bigfoot. | ||
| And then the eagle and the otter. | ||
| It's just like, it's not like, oh yeah, and there's a Thunderbird, there's a mythological... | ||
| No, no, it's just seven normal animals, and in that span of seven normal animals, right in the middle is Bigfoot, what they consider to be a normal species that's there. | ||
| They don't make the difference, they don't differentiate. | ||
| Right now there's someone on the subway going, fuck you, Joe Rogan, I'm shutting this podcast off. | ||
| Listen to me, man! | ||
| We're not saying that Bigfoot's real. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| What I'm saying is that goddamn animal was definitely real. | ||
| We don't know if it's real. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| But we know that goddamn animal, that Gigantopithecus was real, and here's where it's crazy. | ||
| It was real in the exact area we absolutely know the human beings migrated from. | ||
| They migrated from Asia across the Bering Strait when it was a landmass, where you can cross it walking. | ||
| They came to North America, and where an animal like that would exist would be in the heavily dense forest of the Pacific Northwest, which is exactly where they would come across. | ||
| They would come across through Alaska to the Pacific Northwest, and that's where you hear about them. | ||
| It doesn't make sense That you would have a real animal that lived in a real place that you absolutely know existed, coexisted with human beings that were just like you and I. We have been in this form essentially, the scientists believe, for 250,000 plus years. | ||
| So 100,000 years ago, they know this thing lived, and they know it lived where people were walking around, and they were walking all the way to America. | ||
| So the question is, are they still there? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
| One other thing, another question I'd like to ask, what do you do with someone who you respect, you admire, they're normal, they're sane, and then they say to you, look man, I don't care what you think. | ||
| I'm just telling you what I saw. | ||
| And I know what I saw. | ||
| And that happens a thousand freakin' times. | ||
| People do drugs. | ||
| People have episodes. | ||
| People have delusional, mass delusion. | ||
| They have psychotic episodes. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Or they want you to love them, so they just want to talk about Bigfoot. | ||
| And you go, really, man? | ||
| We gotta go over to Mike's house and tell us about Bigfoot. | ||
| These are people with nothing to gain, lots to lose, no money to make. | ||
| In fact, half the time you can't even drag the story out of them. | ||
| Like, okay, fine. | ||
| Please. | ||
| That's like girls who don't pretend they don't want to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I have a couple of crazy ex-girlfriends that will tell you some stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never actually done this before. | |
| You don't believe them. | ||
| I can't believe I'm doing this. | ||
| Well, how do you know how to do that with my ass? | ||
| They know things! | ||
| They've been there! | ||
| They're liars! | ||
| This guy's a Bigfoot liar! | ||
| I told you, he's king of the analogy. | ||
| Listen, man, I think it's entirely possible that there is an undiscovered primate. | ||
| You're fascinated by this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You were supposed to come out with me, though, but you pursued it. | ||
| Not possible. | ||
| I'm not pussied out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, seriously. | |
| I just wanted to give you some time on your own, see if you found it, and then if you didn't, I confirmed my suspicions. | ||
| Here's the problem, man. | ||
| These guys that go looking for it, they're almost all full of shit. | ||
| And a lot of them are nice guys, but they're true believers. | ||
| They're true believers in a sense where they're not looking at things rationally. | ||
| They're not looking at things objectively. | ||
| Right, and so that's what I do with Survivorman... | ||
| Bigfoot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Freud. | |
| That's the Guinness talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guinness will pull the truth right out of your bones. | |
| So that's what I'm doing with Survivor Man. | ||
| Bigfoot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bigfoot. | |
| Is I'm saying, okay, alright, okay. | ||
| You've got Bigfoot and some alien spaceships. | ||
| Leave me in that valley overnight, couple of nights, let's see what happens. | ||
| You've got Gigantopithecus and a herd of 12 of them. | ||
| Okay, leave me in the valley, let me see what happens. | ||
| Let's cut to the short and curlies. | ||
| What have you seen? | ||
| What is the craziest shit that you've seen? | ||
| What is the one thing you've seen that you think you could bring up? | ||
| You're going to have to watch the episode in a way. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, dude. | ||
| I'm not going to... | ||
| Alright, so on one of the episodes... | ||
| Alright, so here, alright. | ||
| On one of the episodes... | ||
| I'm going to have to light a joint. | ||
| I can't believe you said that. | ||
| Alright, I'm going to tell you. | ||
| So you don't have to watch the episode. | ||
| Okay, so spoiler alert on the episode. | ||
| You watch the episode where I'm going to go up to the top of the mountain and radio. | ||
| And that night... | ||
| Everybody, here's spoiler alert. | ||
| Finding Bigfoot ain't finding shit. | ||
| There's a spoiler alert. | ||
| If I had for you the definitive footage, here it is. | ||
| Obviously by now I would have done a press conference. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why that footage is bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Here, eat that. | ||
| Take a hit of that. | ||
| It'll tell you the truth. | ||
| It'll talk to you. | ||
| When you're surviving, couldn't you just wrap up food in plastic and then eat it and then poop it out and eat it later? | ||
| Like, take the plastic off and eat it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It seems like it could work. | ||
| That's a technique I've never thought of. | ||
| I mean, if you're going to be on your own for five days, you could eat a bunch of food, but wrap it up in plastic, and then later poop it out, then untake it out of the plastic. | ||
| But then how would you get the nutrients from the food in the first place when it goes through your stomach and gets a piece of plastic? | ||
| What is this poop it out? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| You eat it, and then you poop it out. | ||
| Meaning, like, before you leave for your trip, go get stuffed, like Boston Market or something. | ||
| Don't ruin this conversation. | ||
| Don't ruin this with your poorly thought out ideas. | ||
| And then eat a bunch of plastic. | ||
| Don't tell them. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Can't tell a guy to eat his poop. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not saying poop. | ||
| I'm not saying eat poop. | ||
| I'm saying eat a big meal before you're about to leave. | ||
| Johnny Appleseed would eat his own poop. | ||
| Yeah, they call it Second Harvest. | ||
| It's what Native Americans call it. | ||
| They maybe take a bunch of protein bars, wrap them up in plastic, eat it, and then poop it out in a couple days, and then unwrap the plastic, then eat it. | ||
| What kind of shit are you taking? | ||
| You really think a fucking whole protein bar in plastic can make it through your digestive tract? | ||
| You're gonna die! | ||
| And why would I just carry the bars in my backpack and just eat them three days later? | ||
| That is like the poorest understanding of the human digestive tract ever exhibited on a podcast. | ||
| I was trying to figure out what you were saying. | ||
| I thought you were saying eating poop. | ||
| You're not talking about a little baggie of heroin that a drug mule swallows. | ||
| Right, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| That's not going to make you survive. | ||
| You'll get another hour's worth of energy from that little heroin bag. | ||
| What about petite fillets? | ||
| 8 ounces wrapped in plastic. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| People get diverticulitis because they get a fucking watermelon seed. | ||
| That's a big freaking word, diverticulitis. | ||
| That's like mayonnaise. | ||
| That's like a 75 cent word. | ||
| Well, Brock Lesnar from the UFC got diverticulitis. | ||
| Serious operation when they removed 12 inches of his colon. | ||
| I found out about it, I looked into it, and I thought it was just because of eating meat, but Anthony Bourdain informed me that you could eat a seed, like you get like a sunflower seed or something stuck inside your tract, your digestive tract, and it starts an abscess and you get sick. | ||
| Yeah, you can die from a fucking seed getting stuck. | ||
| He's like, all kinds of stuff gets stuck in there. | ||
| So it's not necessarily just protein. | ||
| There's also contributing genetic effect. | ||
| So Anthony Bourdain is like a GI tract doctor. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can't eat a petite filet mignon and shit it out in the woods, son. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| You gotta have to have a better strategy than that. | ||
| That's the worst way to cheat ever. | ||
| I guess I was thinking of Survivor Island, like trying to find a way to cheat. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You can't cheat. | ||
| Just carry it in your backpack. | ||
| You look like you're pregnant if you had enough food for a day. | ||
| All this food packed up in your body. | ||
| What kind of calorie consumption are you thinking you're gonna have? | ||
| You know, you're going to go on a diet. | ||
| That's one thing you could do. | ||
| You can get fat as fuck and then go out there and just live off your fat for a few days. | ||
| That would actually work. | ||
| You could. | ||
| I never ever, on all the Survivor Man shows, I never ever prepared for the show by either trying to trim down and making my stomach smaller or by bulking up and having all the extra. | ||
| I always figure, well, then that's not even realistic either. | ||
| Whenever I start something, it's got to be like I just, you know, was going somewhere else and got lost. | ||
| You're too honest for television. | ||
| We can't use you anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can't use you here at the Super Pseudo Science Channel. | |
| You have no idea what you just said. | ||
| I mean, that is one of my... | ||
| I've been told before, you know, Les, that's a bit too earnest. | ||
| I'm like, oh, God, you killed me. | ||
| Okay, now let's get back to the short and curlies. | ||
| What have you seen? | ||
| What have you seen? | ||
| So on the top of the mountain in Radium... | ||
| Radium? | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Radium Springs, British Columbia. | ||
| First time in my life ever. | ||
| That's a big area, right? | ||
| Big high sightings. | ||
| No, it's a small area. | ||
| But big after sightings, yeah. | ||
| First time ever, first of all, I've never claimed this. | ||
| I saw big freaking lights in the sky I couldn't explain. | ||
| I'm like, look, I'm going, what the? | ||
| There they are. | ||
| Just the whole classic UFO thing. | ||
| I was like, what the? | ||
| I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| I don't claim anything like that. | ||
| This is while you were filming the show. | ||
| So this is while I'm on the top of the mountain while I'm filming the show. | ||
| I'm looking at these big-ass lights, way bigger. | ||
| If it was a plane, it was bigger than the Concorde. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they just hovered there. | ||
| And they're gone like that. | ||
| Just gone. | ||
| Then that same night... | ||
| And some other shit happened. | ||
| I woke up, and I swear I was in my mommy's sleeping bag, and I swear something was sitting on top of me, and I couldn't move. | ||
| I tried to move, and it wasn't like, you know, you wake up in a half-dream, arm you were sleeping on is, like, all frozen, and you're like, ah, shit, a wolf's eating my arm. | ||
| No, this is, like, the arm on top. | ||
| Who the fuck has dreams about wolves eating their arms? | ||
| Don't you? | ||
| You've been sleeping in the woods alone too much, man. | ||
| That is one thing I've never dreamed about getting eaten by a wolf. | ||
| You've got to come out and do one of these shows with me. | ||
| You'll dream about wolves eating your arms. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Hopefully, no. | ||
| I don't want that dream. | ||
| It's not a good dream, man. | ||
| Yeah, the problem is that actually can happen. | ||
| Things go horribly wrong. | ||
| Wolf can eat your arm. | ||
| Have you ever been surrounded by wolves while you're out there? | ||
| I have. | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I've had them. | ||
| I can see them. | ||
| There's one. | ||
| There's another. | ||
| And what were they doing? | ||
| They were checking you out. | ||
| Following, checking you out. | ||
| It happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Yeah, they check you out as a pack. | ||
| And you're by yourself. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Better than that, not even a week ago today, I had to spend the majority of the night in a tree because it was literally, I'm not sensationalizing, there was a man-eating tiger down below me on the ground. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| Less than a week ago. | ||
| What? | ||
| India. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| I did my first Survivorman shoot in India. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Fuck that noise. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Were you in the Sundar Pans? | ||
| I was up in the Jim Corbett Park area, northern India, north of Delhi, about a five-hour drive north of Delhi, and into the forest there, and I was like, you know, this area's not that bad. | ||
| That's when I got there. | ||
| After I was there... | ||
| I was told that I was dropped in the densest population of tigers in the world. | ||
| Royal Bengal tiger, densest population in the world. | ||
| And then she says to me, this is the madam, and she goes, well, and then the one tiger we have has killed 21 people this year so far. | ||
| But it's okay, she only recently started eating the corpses. | ||
| I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. | ||
| And they told me this after I got out. | ||
| And then I saw a tiger on the first night. | ||
| On the second night I heard it growl. | ||
| I had to go up into a tree. | ||
| And I spent the majority of the night. | ||
| And it's all filmed. | ||
| Like, I'm filming myself for Survivorman. | ||
| I got the whole selfie thing going on. | ||
| And I'm like, alright. | ||
| And I had to, like, pull my camera up with a rope. | ||
| And I'm holding the camera. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, I'm stuck. | ||
| You slept in the tree? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm stuck. | |
| And I didn't sleep. | ||
| I just sat and waited and waited and waited. | ||
| See, that to me is so much more interesting than that bullshit monkey fake thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's real shit. | ||
| And Bigfoot, yeah. | ||
| That's real shit. | ||
| I mean, that's a real animal. | ||
| I mean, if there was a Bigfoot and there was also a tiger, okay? | ||
| If these absolutely were real things. | ||
| I put that up on my Twitter the other day. | ||
| That's a classic video. | ||
| Somebody tweeted it to me and it just... | ||
| It's the one thing I'm the most afraid of, actually, is tigers. | ||
| Let's look at that one more time. | ||
| Show that again, Jamie. | ||
| This is a video. | ||
| We're looking at folks who are just listening to this. | ||
| There's a crazy video of this tiger flying through the air and attacking this guy who's on this elephant. | ||
| He's sitting on the top of the elephant, and the tiger just decides, fuck this dude. | ||
| And he jumps up through the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Flies! | ||
| It's lucky he didn't get gored by the bull elephant with the tusks. | ||
| Well, the elephant didn't want to have nothing to do with that fucking cat, but the guy got fucked up. | ||
| When that thing claws his arm, it tore his arm apart. | ||
| Those are razor blades at the end of a super powerful predator. | ||
| That's what was basically 70 yards away from me. | ||
| Dude, what the fuck, man? | ||
| I can't believe you didn't fully research this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, what the fuck? | |
| I thought I did. | ||
| That's like one of the worst fucking camping ideas ever. | ||
| When you go to India, you renegotiate everything you do every hour. | ||
| Every hour is a new renegotiation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| How so? | ||
| No, we're going to have, like, this person's going to be there, they're going to lead you in an hour later. | ||
| So, this person's not here, but we're going to, my buddy, my cousin's going to lead you in an hour later. | ||
| My cousin couldn't make it, and you're not allowed to go in anyway, because the government says, hey, it's just like, every hour! | ||
| Was going like that. | ||
| So get this, I go out. | ||
| They probably think you're crazy. | ||
| They do think you're nuts. | ||
| So I went out to do my first night of Survivorman. | ||
| Alone. | ||
| I'm out in the jungle. | ||
| I'm out there. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm filming myself. | ||
| I'm like, alright, you know, what I'm going to have to do is probably stay here and stay here for the night sort of thing, get a fire going. | ||
| I'm doing the whole thing. | ||
| And I hear some noise, and I go back about 400 or 500 yards, and in the middle of the jungle, the fucking forest, 50 people show up and have a Lord Shiva rave, and all of a sudden I hear, and I'm literally, and all of a sudden I hear, and I'm literally, so I'm in the middle of the forest surviving right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was the most bizarre thing, and it turns out this one time of the whole year, in this remote little place where there's this stone in the forest, it's the Lord Shiva stone, all these people, like 50 people on motorcycles showed up. | ||
| And I'm like, so I'm gonna walk deeper that way because there's tigers and at least they're quiet. | ||
| You know what's really bizarre is that there's a big push to save the tiger in India. | ||
| There's a big push to make sure that the murderers of humans have healthy populations. | ||
| We're scared. | ||
| We don't want them to go away. | ||
| Nah, come on. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I'm not saying that we should encourage extinction, because they are, even though they're terrifying, and they're predatory, and they're dangerous, they're a beautiful, amazing life form. | ||
| I mean, I don't want tigers to go extinct. | ||
| I don't want to be anywhere near them, but I don't want them to go extinct, because I think they're fascinating. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're fascinating. | ||
| But you don't go camping. | ||
| Where they eat? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like, you've got to allow the tiger to be the tiger. | ||
| If you go and you sleep in an area that's rich with polar bears or tigers and you have a tiger or polar bear problem, uh... | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's like, well, why am I having this issue with polar bears? | ||
| Because you're sleeping in polar bear territory, idiot. | ||
| They said that there's an area in India called the Sundarbans, and there's an issue with the water, because the water's got too much salt in it, so the animals are irritated all the time, and there's a lot of typhoons in that area, so a lot of people die, and they get washed into the river, and the tigers develop a taste for human flesh. | ||
| So it's one of the rare places where they're actively hunting people on a regular basis. | ||
| In the last 200 years... | ||
| It's not that rare. | ||
| No, it's not rare at all. | ||
| I just got back from India less than five, six days ago. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| The tiger attacks are normal. | ||
| Super common. | ||
| They're normal. | ||
| It's their way of life. | ||
| They're thinking about what life is. | ||
| It's so different than ours. | ||
| At any moment, they get snatched away by a monster. | ||
| At any moment, you're walking from a lake or a river to your family in a hut. | ||
| And you hear a twig snap, and you turn, and you see this 800-pound thing already in the air on its way to you. | ||
| And you know that's a wrap, son. | ||
| That's all, folks. | ||
| That's life in the bush and life in the jungle, man. | ||
| You feel that fucking blade slice into your jugular, crush down on your vertebrae. | ||
| I'd wear deodorant. | ||
| Vertible. | ||
| Yeah, I made up a new word. | ||
| It's vertible. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Now's not the time for grammar, please. | ||
| I'm not talking about tigers. | ||
| Worse thing you can do is someone correct their grammar. | ||
| You slept in a fucking tree. | ||
| It was messed up. | ||
| You literally stayed up there in a tree. | ||
| When do you feel confident enough to climb down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| Alright, so you know why I knew the tiger was there? | ||
| The monkeys started going crazy. | ||
| The peacocks started going crazy. | ||
| They all react. | ||
| They're all like, holy shit! | ||
| And then all the monkeys go up high, and they're like, and you know, and you're looking, and you know nothing's going on over there. | ||
| And there's a tiger slowly moving through. | ||
| You don't hear any twigs snap for a tiger. | ||
| Do you see it? | ||
| I saw it, yeah. | ||
| The night before, I saw it go across the field. | ||
| That night, I didn't see it. | ||
| I heard it growl, which was even scarier. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| The monkeys all saw it. | ||
| And you have to be at least 12 feet up the tree because they can jump and kind of reach up to 12 feet. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, there's a video of them attacking some meat. | ||
| They hold it up in the air, and the tigers leap up to get it. | ||
| And you watch it, you're like, what? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Pull that video up, Jamie. | ||
| It's the most ridiculous video. | ||
| There's this guy who holds this meat up, and this tiger just does something that you just go, oh... | ||
| I never internalized what it looks like when they jump 12 feet in the air. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| They hold this meat up. | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| This thing fucking flies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Spring flies. | ||
| And grab. | ||
| Its head is like 14 feet in the air. | ||
| That's why I climbed at least 12 feet up the tree. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Watch that again. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That animal is just... | ||
| What it can do with its body to kill things. | ||
| I mean, that's what it's designed for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's powerful. | |
| But the fact that they're sitting there, these two giant cats are sitting there watching this person feed them. | ||
| Like, what kind of bizarro world is that? | ||
| That's just habituation. | ||
| They're fenced in, and this guy is holding this thing in a crane up in the air, and the tiger jumps up and grabs it. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| They're powerful, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Now, you don't have weapons? | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Firecrackers? | |
| There was an area I was in, and they... | ||
| Do you use the force? | ||
| Well, of course. | ||
| The force is always there. | ||
| They wouldn't let me go into an area with an armed guard. | ||
| I was like, dude, I'm like, survivor man, I gotta go out, I gotta do this thing, and I gotta be alone. | ||
| We're not gonna let you do that. | ||
| And I wasn't allowed to be out there without an armed guard. | ||
| So they had, and I was like, maybe a quarter mile away, was actually a pair of armed guards on either side. | ||
| A quarter mile? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| Those are the wackest guards ever! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I thought! | |
| Bitch, you gotta be like three feet away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| I'm thinking if this thing's 75 yards from me and it pounces on me, how fast are you gonna get here? | ||
| A quarter of a mile is a long time! | ||
| It takes a long time to get on foot from a quarter of a mile. | ||
| It does, yeah. | ||
| How fast can you run a mile? | ||
| Like a really fast mile is like a four-minute mile, right? | ||
| That's like the thing that no one thought you could ever do. | ||
| So one-fourth of that is a minute. | ||
| So stop and think about that. | ||
| Yeah, but just stop and think about a minute of running. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| If you're like the fastest guy ever, you run for a minute to get to you. | ||
| What the fuck a tiger can do to you in 59, 58, 57, 56, 55. You're fucking torn to charades! | ||
| It's like you with a roach. | ||
| Like, literally as ferocious as you would tear a roach's body apart, that's what a tiger could do to you. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| They're powerful. | ||
| And you're sleeping above, or hanging out in a tree above it. | ||
| Yeah, and of course, you know, I'm going to give a super shout-out to the fact that they're actually 30% increasing in population in this one area, which is phenomenal. | ||
| Because they are beautiful. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| I think there's enough of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about we just have two of them and make sure they fuck? | |
| We need more of them. | ||
| We need more of them. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I want more. | ||
| There's more Bigfoot than there are tigers. | ||
| Oh, well, I don't know about that. | ||
| Because I've seen a tiger. | ||
| I've seen it with my own eyes at the zoo. | ||
| You and this Bigfoot thing. | ||
| What if they dropped off one tiger a year in Los Angeles, but they don't tell you where it's at? | ||
| Well, they kind of have mountain lions wandering around. | ||
| They usually don't fuck anybody up. | ||
| I gotta get this guy out in the bush. | ||
| No, you need to have some shit that's not fake, like that guy with his monkey face. | ||
| Well, you know my shit's not fake, so... | ||
| Your shit is not fake. | ||
| You wouldn't fake anything. | ||
| Remember, I texted you and said, I'm shooting the Bigfoot shows, you want to come out? | ||
| I was tempted. | ||
| I would find the spot and say, this is where they say all this shit happens. | ||
| We go, we sit up, we sit by the fire with a case against us, and we keep the fire going. | ||
| Stay up all night. | ||
| And in the morning, it's like, that 3 o'clock in the morning shit was insane! | ||
| Or, well, that was nothing. | ||
| We told a lot of stories, and now I'm really tired. | ||
| Yeah, I get it, man. | ||
| I just hate feeling like an asshole. | ||
| And if I was out there wandering around looking for Bigfoot and I found nothing, I'd be like, I could have been at home with my kids. | ||
| I could have been writing jokes. | ||
| I could have been working out. | ||
| I could have been, you know, doing something smart. | ||
| How about like Survivorman Myrtle Beach? | ||
| We're trying to find bikers. | ||
| Can we find them? | ||
| Survivor man, spring break, it could be like in a bar trying to build shelters out of bar stools. | ||
| Again, what is it that we need to find this fucking thing? | ||
| Like if you really stop and think about like how amazing killer whales are and we know that they're a real animal that you can go observe. | ||
| They speak in this crazy language they don't understand, that we don't understand rather. | ||
| They have these families, they stay with these pods for life, they're very close to each other, they have Different dialects. | ||
| They start observing the sounds that one group makes and it's different from the sounds another group in another part of the world makes. | ||
| Like, they're amazing. | ||
| Like, they're way more fat. | ||
| They kill sharks, man. | ||
| They kill dolphins. | ||
| They eat dolphins. | ||
| Like, they're ruthless, but they're also beautiful. | ||
| And they're really fucking smart. | ||
| They're really smart. | ||
| Like in a weird, crazy way that just doesn't jive with our idea of, you know, like, oh, he doesn't know how to play poker, fuck him. | ||
| You know, he doesn't know how to drive a car, he's a pussy, he's an idiot. | ||
| You know, they have some weird, crazy, life-in-the-ocean intelligence. | ||
| They have intelligence where it's applicable in their environment. | ||
| They don't need to know how to type. | ||
| Okay, they don't know how to speak Spanish. | ||
| They don't have to. | ||
| No one's Spanish underwater. | ||
| They speak dolphin. | ||
| They speak whale. | ||
| They know all that shit. | ||
| So why Bigfoot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but Bigfoot is like, if he didn't think it was real, he's like, what is he doing? | |
| He's knocking on wood and shit. | ||
| Hanging out there, hiding his shit. | ||
| Taking holes. | ||
| Hiding his logs. | ||
| No one can find Bigfoot shit? | ||
| You can find bear shit. | ||
| You won't find bear bodies. | ||
| But if you tell me you don't find bear shit, it's because you're in a place that doesn't have any bear. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Where's the Bigfoot shit? | ||
| He's burying it, man. | ||
| That's his big trick. | ||
| He doesn't save surfers. | ||
| He doesn't kill whales. | ||
| Have you ever seen a killer whale demonstrate to its young how to kill a seal? | ||
| They show them how to kill it. | ||
| They get them up on ice shelves. | ||
| They tip the ice shelves and have them slide down. | ||
| How do you know Bigfoot's not taking his young ice shelves? | ||
| I don't know that he's not, but we don't have any footage. | ||
| We have no evidence. | ||
| But we have all this evidence of these amazing killer whales that, not only that, they're smart as shit and they know we killed them. | ||
| They know we killed them and they still talk to us. | ||
| They know we killed them. | ||
| They have to know by now. | ||
| If they really communicate and they can express, I mean, they might not totally get it or their concept of life and death might be really weird, like way different than ours is. | ||
| It's real possible. | ||
| But they're so nice to us. | ||
| Killer whales don't kill people. | ||
| They're not attacking surfers. | ||
| They're not fighting back because they found out that they got this thing. | ||
| No, the ones that are in SeaWorld fight back. | ||
| But the other ones out in the wild, they don't go attack people. | ||
| Yeah, there's been some rogue stories for sure. | ||
| A bunch of pussies who got bumped. | ||
| They got chest bumped by a big fucking killer whale. | ||
| Nobody got eaten. | ||
| Nobody came back with no legs. | ||
| It's not what they do, you know? | ||
| And that's an amazing real-life animal. | ||
| And if we found out that Bigfoot was real, and we go, oh, wow, it's like a big orangutan, but it walks on two legs. | ||
| That ain't shit compared to a killer whale. | ||
| It's not shit. | ||
| It's not shit. | ||
| It's a wood-knocking asshole who hides his shit. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| What you're basically saying is... | ||
| You're wasting your time up there in the woods? | ||
| No. | ||
| With a guy who's wearing a rubber mask? | ||
| That could be. | ||
| At least have a girl Bigfoot with Bigfoot titties on your season finale. | ||
| They have that. | ||
| The Patterson footage. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's a female. | ||
| You haven't seen it. | ||
| It's so real. | ||
| It's got titties. | ||
| Do you not know about Bigfoot come to me? | ||
| Like these Bigfoot erotica novels that were published on Amazon.com? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come to Bigfoot? | ||
| I think it's called Come to Bigfoot. | ||
| Jamie Seavey had pulled up this title. | ||
| It became a huge bestseller. | ||
| Apparently, in this PC world that we live in, in this weird world of sanitized language and social justice warriors, there's still women out there that want to get fucked by the biggest monkey they can find. | ||
| Hair fetish, man. | ||
| It's not a hair fetish. | ||
| It's a primate fetish. | ||
| Like, they want to get gorilla fucked by something that doesn't even speak their language. | ||
| And there's women that are into this idea of erotica. | ||
| Obviously, totally in the fantasy. | ||
| I'm not saying they really want to get fucked by these guys. | ||
| But I'm saying... | ||
| But in the fantasies, man, these things sell. | ||
| So there's women that have a fantasy of actually getting fucked by a Sasquatch, by a giant, just like, it's overwhelming, it just takes you... | ||
| There's women who have this, they actually have a fantasy of getting fucked by something that can't talk to them, it doesn't have any morals, it doesn't have any ethics. | ||
| It's coming for Bigfoot. | ||
| It's coming for Bigfoot. | ||
| Look at that author. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| Virginia Wade, you're awesome. | ||
| I hope it's parody. | ||
| But I hope it's not, too. | ||
| I hope it's not. | ||
| Maybe it's real life stories. | ||
| Look, man, we don't know. | ||
| Look, there's shit that guys like that girls can't figure out. | ||
| Why should we be able to figure out that there's some women that really want to get fucked by Bigfoot? | ||
| And even if it's only ten of them, what if there's a lot of women that are listening right now? | ||
| You fucking asshole. | ||
| You don't understand women. | ||
| Women don't want to get fucked. | ||
| No, listen. | ||
| My friend, you don't want... | ||
| I almost said sweetie. | ||
| You don't want to get fucked by Bigfoot. | ||
| I'm arguing with a person who's not even real. | ||
| You don't want to get fucked by Bigfoot, but there's women that do. | ||
| Or at least they want to read about it. | ||
| It might not be... | ||
| Look, there's some guys that are into dressing like mascots and having sex with other men. | ||
| That's a real thing, okay? | ||
| There's some people that are going to be into getting fucked by Bigfoot. | ||
| It's not a bad thing, goddammit. | ||
| Mrs. Henderson from Harry and the Hendersons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, look at that. | ||
| The thing was living with the family. | ||
| How do you think that thing was going to go down? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| How long is he going to tolerate that guy just banging that chick? | ||
| Is someone going to bring in a female Bigfoot to satisfy him? | ||
| Do we have rub maps for Bigfoot? | ||
| Yeah, same thing. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| Yeah, if you're gonna have a Bigfoot, you better find a fucking female Bigfoot for him, because otherwise the reason why he's come down to the village is he's tired of looking for females. | ||
| I mean, you already alluded to the whole Native American thing, and there are lots of stories in Native American lore of the Native women being scooped up, picked up. | ||
| And then there's a lot of dudes who don't want to admit their chick ran off with another dude, so they make up some shit about Bigfoot stealing their woman, because this is the manliest man around. | ||
| Like, how could she, look at my most offensive Native American accent, how could she go off with other man? | ||
| Must be Sasquatch! | ||
| Must be Bigfoot, come down, fuck my woman, because no man can compete with my hog. | ||
| That's probably what happened. | ||
| That's probably some excuses. | ||
| It would have sounded like that. | ||
| It's like a fish story. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I had it at the boat. | |
| It was at least a hundred pounds bigger than the world record. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At least! | |
| I'm not exaggerating! | ||
| I had her in my teepee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, seriously. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| And Bigfoot. | ||
| Bigfoot stole her from the tip of my dick. | ||
| My dick touched her click, and then she shot out like she was in the Matrix, like she was attached to rubber bands. | ||
| She went flying through the air. | ||
| Bigfoot had grabbed her. | ||
| Only you could have taken this to this place. | ||
| It was on this place. | ||
| Because isn't this place a fantasy? | ||
| Because until there's a photo of Bigfoot, until there's DNA that makes sense, I had that guy, Todd Disotel, who's a biologist from, I think, NYU. I think it's NYU. He's in New York City. | ||
| Very, very brilliant guy. | ||
| And he was also on that spike show where they went with Dean Cain. | ||
| He went looking for Bigfoot I didn't watch our show the bounty I can't watch them anymore But talking to that dude like he's like no one's brought in anything man There's not one piece of DNA and he explained how all this stuff gets contaminated Like when you have someone pick something up and they put it in a bag in the hand to someone Oh, it's some sort of human DNA. | ||
| You can't do that because someone touched it and And when people touch things, you leave DNA on shit. | ||
| You know, when your sweaty ass picks up some hairs in the woods and you drop them into it, you're not supposed to touch that with your body. | ||
| If you do, you've contaminated it. | ||
| You should have rubber gloves on, you should have tongs, and you should have a direct chain of custody between touching that fucking thing and it being in a laboratory being analyzed. | ||
| And if you don't, your studies are bullshit. | ||
| And this guy explained this to me in no uncertain terms. | ||
| And when you look at it that way, you go, okay, that means none of it's real. | ||
| Like, no one's found anything. | ||
| They've never found a bone. | ||
| They've never found a piece of hair. | ||
| They've never found Bigfoot shit. | ||
| They've never found one thing that you could say, this makes Bigfoot a real animal. | ||
| So all you're going on is stories, and all you're going on is the knowledge that an animal like that used to exist, and the knowledge that they found another unknown primate in the island of Flores that was only 10,000 plus years ago. | ||
| I think like maybe 13,000 years ago. | ||
| It's in that range, which is incredibly recent. | ||
| Like really, really, really recent for a three-foot tall little monkey person, you know, that used tools but had a small brain. | ||
| Like, you know, Can you imagine those things running around today? | ||
| Weird little freaky fucking half monkey people. | ||
| That'd be cool. | ||
| Oh, it'd be so scary though. | ||
| They'd probably steal your baby and eat it. | ||
| Such a fetish to fuck though. | ||
| Ooh, you would fuck it, wouldn't you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Come for tiny Sasquatch Hobbit people. | ||
| Come for the orang pen deck. | ||
| That doesn't have the same sort of rhyme to it. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| Have you ever fucked an animal before you ate it? | ||
| Hey, easy dude. | ||
| Before what? | ||
| Before you ate it? | ||
| You didn't see that? | ||
| The outtakes? | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Listen, this is not appropriate. | ||
| I mean, you're alone in the woods. | ||
| No one's looking. | ||
| This sounds like a confession. | ||
| Honestly, that's what I'm thinking. | ||
| Let's get back to Bigfoot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What is the one thing? | ||
| You've done the show, or you had your experience outside the show, and then you went and did the show. | ||
| What is the one thing, while you were on the show, that really gave you pause, that really made you think? | ||
| We were videotaping on a trigger motion... | ||
| A motion-triggered camera. | ||
| It's all set up. | ||
| Put bait out. | ||
| Like a trail cam type thing? | ||
| Trail cam. | ||
| Put bait out. | ||
| And watched from one clip to the next clip, the bait, all of it, two chocolate bars and an apple, in a wild frame field, disappear. | ||
| Just disappear. | ||
| It's on the show. | ||
| I have no answer for that whatsoever. | ||
| A mouse would have, this is a really sensitive half-second triggers, a mouse would have set that off, and besides it had like many, many feet. | ||
| Can it be paused? | ||
| Oh, I pause it in the show. | ||
| Can it be paused? | ||
| Like, could someone walk up to it and shut its operation off momentarily, go over there, grab the candy bar, walk out of frame, and then turn it back on? | ||
| That's not possible? | ||
| No, it's not possible. | ||
| Why isn't it possible? | ||
| It doesn't work that way? | ||
| Because I was alone. | ||
| I was on the top of a mountain. | ||
| I'm not saying, I didn't mean is it possible in this circumstance. | ||
| I mean, is it possible with the operation of that trail cam to pause it? | ||
| No, because what happens is, no, it's not. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Because to turn the camera off, you have to open it up. | ||
| The second you move it, you're now being filmed. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I had another scene where a black bear actually came and took my camera, and it's all on camera. | ||
| You see his mouth biting the lens. | ||
| You see him pull the camera off the tree as he's walking. | ||
| You can kind of see the area of his limb just moving as he's walking. | ||
| And a lot of those you can set up to send the data to Wi-Fi, right? | ||
| You can, actually, yeah. | ||
| And some of them will send you, like, text messages when they have images, when they see something, they see movement. | ||
| They'll send you a text message that alerts you that you have movement on your cameras. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So, you didn't get any of those readings, but you did get the candy bars disappearing? | ||
| Disappearing. | ||
| Do you think the bright lights in the sky stole your candy? | ||
| I don't know, maybe I'm not sure. | ||
| What did you think happened, for real? | ||
| For real, I can't, I haven't got a freaking clue. | ||
| Is it infrared camera? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| So, it would be a crazy coincidence if the camera malfunctioned at the exact moment that someone came along and stole the candy. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| But is there a way... | ||
| It's on the top of a mountain alone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if, say, some hoaxer dude knew you were going and was slick about it and was, like, real, like, stealthy... | ||
| Not possible. | ||
| Most likely not possible. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| But is it possible, is there a device that you could use that would freeze the operation of the camera? | ||
| Is there some sort of a magnetic field that you could maybe generate, like something powerful that would cause it to disrupt momentarily enough where you could run over and grab the candy? | ||
| If you were Bigfoot. | ||
| Only if you're Bigfoot? | ||
| How come only if you're Bigfoot? | ||
| Not only, I didn't say only. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you're Bigfoot. | ||
| I said if you're Bigfoot. | ||
| Well, that means, that's the answer. | ||
| At the end of the show, when I wrap it up, I say, I don't have an answer for this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The skeptics would say, everything fell off the branches and out of the field of view before the camera could register the falling, even though they were stuck on things upright like this. | ||
| And it's infrared. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| They were hanging? | ||
| They weren't just sitting down on something? | ||
| No, they were stuck. | ||
| On what? | ||
| Like this. | ||
| Branches. | ||
| Okay, would a camera be sensitive enough to depict, to catch that? | ||
| If a candy bar fell off a branch? | ||
| It seems like not a large enough object to trigger... | ||
| If it fell off on its own, I think it could potentially fall out of frame. | ||
| The problem is these things were all stuck and lodged. | ||
| There was zero wind. | ||
| Yeah, but isn't it more likely that gravity pulled them down the ground than that Bigfoot's invisible and knows how to shut off cameras? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's an interesting question. | ||
| What am I, a scientist? | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
| Do I should be a scientist? | ||
| Yes is the answer to that. | ||
| I think I need a lab coat. | ||
| That's more likely, right? | ||
| Actually, who can answer that question? | ||
| More likely? | ||
| Probably a scientist. | ||
| More likely? | ||
| Or someone who's not... | ||
| What are they measuring? | ||
| What probability are they measuring? | ||
| More likely. | ||
| Who the hell knows? | ||
| What's more likely is what we know exists. | ||
| Something called gravity. | ||
| We know that that's a real thing. | ||
| We know something's hanging on a tree. | ||
| Look, I've set up things thinking they're going to be there until the end of time. | ||
| I came back a week later, they were gone. | ||
| Crazy how things like that happen. | ||
| Gravity always wins. | ||
| That's possible, and I state that. | ||
| Gravity works on tits, it works on balls, it works on candy bars falling off of trees. | ||
| Nobody wins. | ||
| Gravity always wins. | ||
| So, I would think that if it's between gravity and an unknown monkey... | ||
| I'm gonna go with gravity. | ||
| I hope you watch the show. | ||
| Well, definitely watch it now. | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| But it sounds crazy, though. | ||
| It's just like, that's it. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| But that's it. | ||
| It got messed up. | ||
| Just candy bars disappearing. | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| It is possible. | ||
| Did you try to recreate? | ||
| Did you, like, try to set some candy bars up and, like, put a time-lapse on them or put the trail cam on them, rather, and see if you could recreate it and you weren't able to recreate it? | ||
| Because it didn't fall. | ||
| Did you try to make it fall, like put it up like real flimsy and then knock them down, see if the camera picks it up? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what I would have done. | ||
| Because if the camera didn't pick it up, I'd go, well, there it is. | ||
| It fell. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But was it there where it fell? | ||
| But then again, it fell from what? | ||
| I mean, it'd be like, if I put that there, you tell me what the odds are of this falling off of this table before tomorrow morning. | ||
| Well, that's different. | ||
| That's like setting it on a stump, right? | ||
| Like setting it on a stump? | ||
| The analogy or the comparison is the same. | ||
| They were firmly put in places where they wouldn't just fall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they were put in places or they were hanging? | ||
| Put in places. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| I thought you were saying they were hanging from a tree. | ||
| No. | ||
| Would you pick that? | ||
| No, you said hanging. | ||
| I never said that. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought you said they dropped out of frame. | ||
| They did. | ||
| I was thinking you said they were stuck in place. | ||
| I thought you meant like they were stuck in a branch or something. | ||
| Like one apple was like, there's the branch, and the apple's like this. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay, so it was stuck inside the branch, but it was still like hanging in the air. | ||
| Like the branch, the apple was hanging in the air. | ||
| No, I would say no to that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Was it on the ground? | ||
| No, it was 15 feet up. | ||
| Okay, but in the branch 15 feet up. | ||
| I don't want to get bogged down semantics. | ||
| People go, what's the point? | ||
| If it was in the air, it's 15 feet above the ground, right? | ||
| And the apple stuck. | ||
| On the branch. | ||
| It could conceivably have fallen off. | ||
| It's nothing like being on this table. | ||
| Being on this table is 100% likely that if you put this lighter here in 24 hours, as long as we don't have an earthquake, the lighter at least will be there. | ||
| Yeah, you're splitting hairs, but I'll give you that. | ||
| That's not splitting hairs at all. | ||
| We're talking about something that could fall from gravity versus something that absolutely cannot move unless some interfering force comes along. | ||
| A rodent, a ferocious wind, an earthquake. | ||
| The chocolate bars? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| The chocolate bars were sitting here in the middle of the table. | ||
| Okay, so the apple was stuck on a tree. | ||
| The branch is this big. | ||
| And the chocolate bar sitting right like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Nice and like not going anywhere. | ||
| Okay, so for folks who he's making his hand like about 16 inches? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About Brian's dick. | ||
| And inside he puts a pen, which is my dick. | ||
| A small pen. | ||
| A little baby in black. | ||
| It's a happy dick though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's nothing to brag about. | |
| So, okay, so that little tiny baby dick in between that little space, that's where you dropped a candy bar, correct? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| So the apple stuck in a tree about 15 feet off the ground. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Two candy bars. | ||
| The candy bars. | ||
| Now, what part of the world... | ||
| I don't call it a candy bar anymore, anyway. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I live in America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fried. | |
| Where we refer to it as candy bars. | ||
| Wait, what are they called? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chocolate? | |
| No, it's a candy bar. | ||
| He's just trying to confuse us, man. | ||
| We got him on the run here. | ||
| And apples dry out really fast. | ||
| Have you ever let an apple out? | ||
| Like, if it has a little cut, it turns brown. | ||
| Stop with your logic and your science. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| It was almost sound. | ||
| There's mysticism to be uncovered here. | ||
| Now, the candy bars, you left them on the log, so the candy bar is represented by the baby dick, right? | ||
| And so this is flat. | ||
| It's sitting on a flat surface. | ||
| What kind of an area we're looking at? | ||
| We're looking at like a heavily wooded area? | ||
| Is that what it's like? | ||
| Top of the mountain, sparse trees, rocks. | ||
| Rodents? | ||
| Got rodents up there? | ||
| Rodents for sure. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wouldn't it be likely that maybe a rodent is small enough that it could grab that candy bar and maybe the trail camera is set up for like game? | ||
| Probably set up for something that triggers its camera sensors? | ||
| No, in fact, we showed it with the testing that it actually triggers with dust in the air. | ||
| So it'd just always be on, right? | ||
| All we are is dust in the wind. | ||
| But if it got dust in there, it'd just be on all the time. | ||
| Everything's dust. | ||
| You remember those scenes in Twilight where the sunlight is cutting through the trees and you see all the dust in the air, all the glistening stuff and shit and birds? | ||
| So it'd be a constant, like... | ||
| Flash. | ||
| It'd be like a movie, basically. | ||
| That's what it would be. | ||
| It was constantly... | ||
| You could run it together, like stop animation. | ||
| Nothing would stop. | ||
| It would keep moving. | ||
| So it could pick up dust. | ||
| Alright, so my rodent theory doesn't work. | ||
| But I know where you're going with this. | ||
| No, no, I agree with... | ||
| My theory is the rodent theory. | ||
| That's the only one that makes sense to me. | ||
| Unless Bigfoot can fuck with cameras and make them stop. | ||
| Is that what you were implying? | ||
| That's what I was implying. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| For real, I was implying. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I didn't say that's what it was. | ||
| But you will... | ||
| I was implying the possibility. | ||
| You will put that in your what-if folder. | ||
| What if? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| That's... | ||
| That's what... | ||
| Oh, this better be good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Bigfoot's aliens. | ||
| I'm not even going in here. | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm sorry. | ||
| No, I'm not telling you. | ||
| Come on, we gotta joke around. | ||
| We're drinking. | ||
| We have a little Guinness, a little marijuana. | ||
| We're talking Bigfoot. | ||
| You can't take this seriously. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| So, if it is possible that this animal exhibits some strange power over electronics, like, that would... | ||
| They'll explain a lot of things, right? | ||
| They'll explain a lot of shit. | ||
| Like, how come there's no pictures of Bigfoot? | ||
| Funny thing. | ||
| Funny thing. | ||
| We found out that it knows how to stop cameras. | ||
| It's smart enough to figure out how to stop cameras. | ||
| Not smart enough for pants or shoes or any cool shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No cell phones. | |
| Driving a car. | ||
| No Bigfoot TV. But they figured out how to stop cameras because that fucking camera is a problem. | ||
| As soon as man invented a camera, they saw it and were like, we gotta figure out how to mess with that. | ||
| We gotta get a radio shack. | ||
| And we gotta screech. | ||
| It's the howls. | ||
| The howls kill the camera. | ||
| Did you do the howling? | ||
| That was a big, of course. | ||
| Like they do? | ||
| The hoop? | ||
| How does anybody know what it sounds like? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| How do you even know what you're saying? | ||
| You'd be like pissing. | ||
| You'd say, oh man, dudes, you guys are ugly. | ||
| You don't know what you're saying. | ||
| You'd be calling for some dick. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| When you get there, he thinks you're a dick tease. | ||
| Just beats the shit out of you. | ||
| A horny Bigfoot wasting his time. | ||
| It's like, you don't want to be a fake Bigfoot tinder. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Tinder? | ||
| Bigfoot could be... | ||
| Yeah, that's what they use, the kids today. | ||
| The kids today. | ||
| Bigfoot could just be people from the future fucking with us. | ||
| Easily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easily. | |
| Much more likely than Bigfoot, for real. | ||
| Yeah, I think time travel is more believable than... | ||
| What's more believable is that aliens went back in time, grabbed the Gigantopithecus, and just dropped it off periodically in the woods to fuck with people. | ||
| That's more likely than a large, more-than-tigers population of Gigantopithecus running through the woods. | ||
| You're going to love this one. | ||
| It gets even better. | ||
| On another occasion, it was all about the potential of it being the Nephrim from the Bible, Genesis chapter 6. Oh, chapter 6. As long as you number the chapters, it gives a lot of credence to words. | ||
| It sounds authoritative. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| That's the stuff you start hearing and seeing over and over again. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| It's a slippery slope. | ||
| There easily could have been large people at one point in time. | ||
| I mean, there's large people today. | ||
| The idea that this has never happened before. | ||
| You never had Shaquille O'Neal before. | ||
| You never had that guy from China. | ||
| What's the guy's name? | ||
| Gigantic. | ||
| Gigantic basketball player. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yao Ming. | |
| Yao Ming. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That guy's a giant. | ||
| He's so fucking tall. | ||
| He's taller than Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| Is he like 7'10", 7'11", or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| How tall is he, Jamie? | ||
| 7-7. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| So that guy exists today. | ||
| It's very likely that at one point in time in history, there was a batch of those people. | ||
| There was a lot of them. | ||
| It's so possible. | ||
| We vary a lot, and we're not genetically that much different than people that lived 50,000 plus years ago. | ||
| So you're talking about the Bible, which was maybe written somewhere around like 4 or 5,000 years ago, and I think the Dead Sea Scrolls, I think they got that to like... | ||
| Was it like 5,000 years, whatever it is? | ||
| So it's anywhere, it's between like what we have today, 2015, and the last like whatever thousand years. | ||
| It's super possible that there was a group of huge fucking Yao Ming's running around back then. | ||
| Totally possible. | ||
| That's the same genes. | ||
| I mean, they probably have more access to protein and food today, but if they lived in a really rich source, You know as well as anybody that any bear that lives in an area where there's a lot of salmon. | ||
| Look how tall that guy is! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| Is that the newest giant? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's 7'5". | |
| He's a college player now. | ||
| Mom would do MJ or something like that. | ||
| Oh my god, is he still growing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's only like 19. Jesus fucking Christ! | |
| Now, imagine if you're as short as me. | ||
| I'm 5'8", and I stumble through, and by the way, back in like the Civil War days, those guys were smaller than me. | ||
| Those guys were tiny. | ||
| The average size of a grown man in the Civil War was like 135 pounds. | ||
| They were these tiny little people that didn't get a lot of food. | ||
| Voyageurs were the same. | ||
| They used to carry like 100 pounds on their back. | ||
| Man, if you found a guy like this, if you went to some place and you saw people like this, and you got in a boat, and sailed across the sea, and landed on an island that was filled with legit giants, god damn you'd have some stories. | ||
| I think that makes more sense than Bigfoot. | ||
| The Nephilim! | ||
| So, the best thing you saw was nothing. | ||
| The best thing you saw was shit disappearing. | ||
| The best thing I saw, yeah, was shit disappearing. | ||
| Shit disappearing. | ||
| But what about sounds? | ||
| Did you hear anything? | ||
| Did you hear any moans or any grunts or anything? | ||
| Same as before the odd, you know... | ||
| But what the hell is that? | ||
| That could be a bird, right? | ||
| That could be a raven. | ||
| That could be a raven. | ||
| Frog. | ||
| Could be a frog. | ||
| Could be anything. | ||
| Frogs make a lot of crazy noises. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Do they whoop? | ||
| No, they make it sound like that for sure. | ||
| They scream. | ||
| What was the sound that you heard when you were in your tent? | ||
| You heard a Sasquatch sound. | ||
| So you're talking about the Survivor Man in Alaska show. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What does it sound like? | ||
| Well, first of all, picture the scene. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| Let me take my pants off. | ||
| Middle of nowhere. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hang on. | |
| Do you want... | ||
| There should be some hand cream over there. | ||
| I don't need that shit. | ||
| I dry Jack. | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
| I want to be dependent on lotion like some pussy. | ||
| That's why I don't take pain pills. | ||
| That took about a split second to just go downhill. | ||
| Downhill? | ||
| It just got way better. | ||
| Okay, sorry. | ||
| So, picture this scene. | ||
| Middle of nowhere. | ||
| Alaska and coast. | ||
| By myself. | ||
| What do I smell like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lavender. | |
| Lavender! | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Middle of nowhere, Alaska coast. | ||
| I'm sorry, I wanted to run again. | ||
| And I'm filming a scene, Survivorman scene, blah, blah, blah, just making a grass bed or something. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, the trees, 50 yards away, at about a 10 foot, 12 foot height, just start like shaking, just going crazy. | ||
| And then I hear a great ape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like that. | |
| Only way, way, way, way, way louder. | ||
| here. | ||
| Deeper. | ||
| Goes right through your body when it's done. | ||
| The problem is I'm in Alaska. | ||
| So unless there's an escaped great ape from the zoo, what the hell is that? | ||
| Because bears don't do that. | ||
| Moose don't do that. | ||
| The skeptics would say that the bear, you just ran across a bear that made some unusual noises. | ||
| Five times in a row, and then when he left... | ||
| Five times in a row? | ||
| Five times in a row, and then when he left, the whole forest just erupted with breaking trees as it ran away. | ||
| I don't know many bears that do that. | ||
| Hence, my question. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Wish I knew. | ||
| These people think it's Bigfoot. | ||
| I'm gonna go find it. | ||
| Indian rave. | ||
| No, there's no way whatsoever that you were asleep before this happened. | ||
| Oh, it was two o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
| Two o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roughly. | |
| So you had more than one experience, right? | ||
| Because there was another one when you went for your camera and it ran off, right? | ||
| No, that was that one. | ||
| That was that one. | ||
| I thought that was at night. | ||
| Did I screw it up? | ||
| I might have screwed it up in my own head. | ||
| Midday. | ||
| Okay, so when you didn't see anything, you just heard it? | ||
| Didn't see anything. | ||
| To this day, I haven't seen anything. | ||
| So I can't claim anything. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| That's what I keep saying. | ||
| Show it to me. | ||
| That's the fucked up thing about people telling you stories. | ||
| I had it in my head that this was a story at night time. | ||
| I had it in my head that you were in your tent and that this thing came out at night time and made all this noise and then you went for your camera and it ran off. | ||
| You wanted it to be more like that. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted it to be spookier. | ||
| I didn't have a tent. | ||
| Night time scares me. | ||
| And it was midday. | ||
| No tent, midday. | ||
| It was a Survivorman thing. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Have you ever seen something where you're like, that might be Bigfoot, never seen anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Nothing. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's why I want to know. | ||
| Finding schizophrenia. | ||
| I don't think it's schizophrenia. | ||
| I don't think it's schizophrenia. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Here's a problem. | ||
| Heightened states, okay? | ||
| Heightened states of fear, heightened states of alienation, unusual states of the mind. | ||
| Which would definitely coincide with being alone in Alaska by yourself with like a fucking bottle opener and a roll of duct tape and a condom. | ||
| I mean, that's what you have when you go to these fucking places. | ||
| You go and you bring like a bag of shit that you might ordinarily have on you if something went horribly wrong and you found yourself in these places. | ||
| And then you figure out a way to survive. | ||
| That's a heightened state, right? | ||
| So anything that happens is going to be... | ||
| Suspect. | ||
| Yeah, there was just some stuff going on in your brain, man. | ||
| Your brain is protecting you from all sorts of weird possibilities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bears and predators and who knows what the fuck is out there. | |
| People! | ||
| Find a fucking purse in the middle of nowhere like that. | ||
| That might be the most dangerous shit you come across. | ||
| Yeah, that's freaky. | ||
| Tim and Dave McVeigh-looking motherfucker out there. | ||
| You know, some crazy Unabomber Ted Kaczynski-type character. | ||
| Yeah, that's scarier than the Tigers. | ||
| Way scarier than the Tigers. | ||
| A guy living by himself, if you went in deep, deep, deep, deep, deep into the woods, like miles and miles in, hours and hours of hiking, and you found a cabin, you better not knock on that fucking door. | ||
| You just better not. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Why is he out here with no one around him? | ||
| That guy's crazy. | ||
| That might be the scariest thing you could ever find in the woods. | ||
| A person who lives in the woods. | ||
| Yeah, I totally agree. | ||
| I've always said that. | ||
| People go on about the romanticism of some dude living out in the bush by himself for 35 years. | ||
| It's like, he's nuts! | ||
| Guy's an asshole. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| He's gonna live where there's no people. | ||
| What an asshole. | ||
| People are my favorite thing. | ||
| I love people. | ||
| Why would you live where there's no people? | ||
| What kind of a fucking piece of shit wants to live in a woodshed in the middle of nowhere? | ||
| Somebody wants to blow everybody up. | ||
| It's like that Ted Kaczynski guy. | ||
| That's how he lived. | ||
| Guy was a professor at Berkeley. | ||
| Decided to just move to the woods. | ||
| That was his house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That's scary. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| You see that thing? | ||
| Light it on fire. | ||
| Take your chances. | ||
| Take your chances of escaping from the flames. | ||
| Light that house on fire. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| Looks like Ohio. | ||
| By the way, I don't mean that. | ||
| If you listen to this podcast right now in a tiny little shed in the middle of nowhere, this will always be my dream, man. | ||
| You're shitting on my dream. | ||
| I don't really mean that. | ||
| I'm just talking. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Sweet backpedal going on there. | ||
| But it's true, if you do live in the woods like that, there's a high possibility that you might be fucking crazy. | ||
| Or hiding from the law. | ||
| Yeah, or hiding from the law. | ||
| Actually, when you see people been out there for a long time, even if they didn't start out crazy, you go bush. | ||
| Right, now tell me this. | ||
| Do you take that in consideration when you think about this experience? | ||
| Like, you're like, man, did I fuck this up in my head? | ||
| Did I have no reference point because I was alone for too long out there? | ||
| And did I just give myself some sort of a jolt, like an extra emotional charge to my memory that may have distorted it, and as I repeated it over and over again in my memory, I might have twisted it a little bit and jumped it up or moved it side to side? | ||
| Or are you rock solid that that's exactly what happened? | ||
| Absolutely option one. | ||
| I haven't got a freaking clue. | ||
| I could have been messed up. | ||
| Absolutely agree with you. | ||
| I question all of those experiences I have when I'm out there. | ||
| That's very honest of you. | ||
| That's very honest of you. | ||
| I think that was a raven. | ||
| I think that was a squirrel. | ||
| That's a track I can't account for. | ||
| Those branches are just broken because of snow load. | ||
| These ones aren't broken because of snow load. | ||
| Just like that, I don't have a freaking clue. | ||
| I could be just mumbling. | ||
| And that was probably a freaky experience, but was that as freaky as being above the tiger? | ||
| What was more freaky? | ||
| Being above the tiger. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine, right? | ||
| Because this is real. | ||
| It's as real as it gets. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, it's a confirmed animal. | ||
| Confirmed kills people. | ||
| I was going to say earlier about that place, the Sundarbans. | ||
| They've killed 300,000 people in the last 200 years. | ||
| Tigers are responsible for 300,000 confirmed deaths. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot. | |
| That is a crazy number. | ||
| I listened to that in a documentary, and I'm like, that can't be true. | ||
| So then I went and I googled all these different sources, and that's essentially the number somewhere around there, somewhere between 200,000 and 300,000. | ||
| That's fucking insane, man. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Even if it's like, okay, 200 years. | ||
| Even if it's 200,000, Think about how many fucking people that is. | ||
| They're getting jacked by tigers. | ||
| That's a fucking pile of people, man. | ||
| If you're a pile of 200,000 people, oh my god, that's terrifying. | ||
| That's a thousand a year. | ||
| Tigers. | ||
| Hippos. | ||
| That's three a day. | ||
| Water buffalo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that's three a day, right? | |
| A thousand a year is like three a day or close to it in that neighborhood two to three a day every fucking day for 200 years. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Like fuck the wolf man, you know? | ||
| Fuck Bigfoot! | ||
| Tigers! | ||
| That's real! | ||
| What a crazy animal, man! | ||
| And we're like working really hard to make sure they stay alive so they can keep eating those Indians. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Indians have to be the nicest people ever. | ||
| They know the tigers are gonna eat them, and they still want to make sure their population's healthy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They must be the nicest people ever. | ||
| They are really nice people. | ||
| They must be. | ||
| Ones I know. | ||
| I mean, that's the only way it makes sense. | ||
| They actually fought very hard to make sure that the tigers are kept very safe and everything works out. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Is that why they worship cows and let cows walk around the streets so that they are like bait? | ||
| I couldn't figure out that one at all. | ||
| That's actually smart. | ||
| That's actually smart. | ||
| Cows are way easier to get than people with guns. | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| The whole thing is bananas. | ||
| The fact that they starve, but they won't eat the cows, and then the fact that they want the... | ||
| How did they develop this unusual perspective? | ||
| Have you been over there? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| Pot grows in profuse amounts all over the roads everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, you can get it down the street at a store. | ||
| They weigh it for you, they measure it. | ||
| You don't have to go to fucking India and pluck it. | ||
| I'm talking about you pull up into your driveway, and on either side of your driveway is like a field of pot. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| How much pot do you need? | ||
| To grow it indoors, and I can't get rid of it. | ||
| I'm trying to hand it out to people. | ||
| A quarter lasts me a week. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You don't need pot to be growing everywhere. | ||
| Come to India. | ||
| Avoid the tigers, but stay for the weed. | ||
| There's weed everywhere, man. | ||
| This is California. | ||
| You don't have to go to India for weed. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's a poor plan Go for the people that makes sense. | ||
| I would like to go just a true I would really love to experience like what it's like to talk to a real guru I know I goof on a lot of those dudes those yogis and those what's a real guru? | ||
| I don't know man. | ||
| I think like all things There's got to be someone that's doing it right. | ||
| It's probably insanely difficult to be like a real yogi, like a real master who's really like a sadhu, some dude who just smokes hash all day and meditates and goes into poses. | ||
| I was with a sadhu in India last week. | ||
| Well, that's what they do, right? | ||
| It was intense. | ||
| It went and, yeah. | ||
| I would like to talk to one of those real dudes who's really out there doing it. | ||
| He's not doing publicity tours or trying to sell books. | ||
| He doesn't have a podcast. | ||
| He's just out there smoking hash and stretching. | ||
| So what do you think about that guy who's living off nothing? | ||
| No food? | ||
| No water? | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's a bullshit artist. | ||
| That guy's nuts. | ||
| That's why you know about him. | ||
| The reason why you know about him is he's telling me, I don't eat, I don't drink, I just take in the sun. | ||
| Fuck outta here. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I went to this guy's I went to this guy's office to film an episode of the sci-fi show and as I walked in, the thing that he supposedly could do turned out to be bullshit. | ||
| But as we walked in, he has this A picture of this Indian guy, this man from India, and he has white paint all over his face. | ||
| And he has no shirt on. | ||
| He's like this weird dress. | ||
| He's wearing these weird clothes he's dressed in. | ||
| And I say, who's that guy? | ||
| He goes, oh, well, he has actually achieved the highest state of enlightenment, and he has existed without water or food for the past 13 years. | ||
| I go, no, he hasn't. | ||
| No, he hasn't. | ||
| Why is he fat? | ||
| He's still fat? | ||
| He's still fat, and he doesn't eat, and he just... | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| And then I was like, I can't believe I'm at this guy's office. | ||
| I'm going to listen to some bullshit thing. | ||
| You can't say a guy has lived without food for 13 years. | ||
| Put that motherfucker in one of those David Blaine boxes, and let's watch him. | ||
| Let's watch him for a few years. | ||
| Come on, let me see how long it takes before you starve to death. | ||
| You fuckhead! | ||
| You can't just say that! | ||
| Did you hear about the Aghoris? | ||
| You ever read about the Aghoris? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| In India? | ||
| These are the high, enlightened, next level from sadhus sort of thing. | ||
| And they live off eating the dead people that are in the Ganga River. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| They'll go down and they'll eat the bodies. | ||
| Just Google Ligori. | ||
| Google Ligori and A-G-H-O-R-I, I think. | ||
| And they practice necrophilia. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fuck the dead bodies? | ||
| They do. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And this is part of all the sort of states of enlightenment. | ||
| They're in the eat excrement. | ||
| They'll drink urine. | ||
| They just live this way. | ||
| The rule of their thumb is accept the unacceptable. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane. | |
| So they're just trying to smash taboos? | ||
| Yeah, well, it's all about connecting with Shiva, and if you do this, you're denying the self, and blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| The cannibal monks of Varanasi. | ||
| Varanasi, yeah. | ||
| Indian tribe feast on human flesh, drink from skulls, and live among the dead. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's not, like, a fun... | ||
| Headline. | ||
| They do it. | ||
| They're there and they do it. | ||
| Did you encounter these people? | ||
| I saw one sort of walking through the street kind of thing. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| They eat the dead? | ||
| And that's a natural practice for them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what's the thought behind it? | ||
| That they're taking in the worst of the sins of all and that sort of they can connect with Shiva much stronger because of that because it's not affecting them. | ||
| What are they wearing all over them? | ||
| Is that white paint? | ||
| Ash. | ||
| Ash from the dead bodies. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So they take the ash from the dead bodies and they smear it all over themselves? | ||
| Yeah, while they're finishing off the leg bone. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then they just meditate and they do yoga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That guy's got like blood in his beard. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Artifact of the camera. | ||
| Shitty. | ||
| Joe, when they ate people in Walking Dead, don't lie, that made you a little hungry for steak though, right? | ||
| When you're just chewing that big piece of meat. | ||
| It looked good. | ||
| No, it looked like he was eating something that wasn't a person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe a person is good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hollywood special effects. | ||
| People supposedly taste like pig. | ||
| Cannibals would call them long pig. | ||
| Like, long pig is an expression for human meat. | ||
| Apparently, we taste a lot like pigs. | ||
| Really weird, man. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| Cannibalism freaks people out, rightly so. | ||
| Like, seeing that, that was a very bizarre video. | ||
| Or a very bizarre series of images. | ||
| Looking at those people, knowing those people have eaten bodies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something about looking at someone that you know eats bodies. | ||
| Yeah, and they don't eat bodies because they're in a plane crash and they have to do it to survive. | ||
| They eat the bodies because that's just what they eat. | ||
| Do they kill? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| In fact, people come to them to be healed. | ||
| What's their breath like? | ||
| Must be insanely bad. | ||
| Do they brush? | ||
| Floss? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| Well, if they floss... | ||
| They use human hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They floss with human hair. | ||
| Now, these people that they get from the river, they're people that drowned or something like that? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know how they always cremate their dead down by the river and then they leave them floating along in a burning raft sort of thing? | ||
| Said to collect these remains, use them for spiritual enlightenment, wearing costumes... | ||
| Oh, wearing the corpses, consuming them, or building altars from them. | ||
| What? | ||
| They're parading a dead body through the street. | ||
| Oh my god, they wear the corpses? | ||
| Wear them? | ||
| Like what, tie them to their body? | ||
| See if you can find something where a dude's wearing one of the corpses. | ||
| That's pretty sick. | ||
| That was weird, man. | ||
| Just seeing them walk down with that body, knowing they have little rituals they do with their bodies. | ||
| What we do is weird too, right? | ||
| How's embalming any fucking less creepy than that? | ||
| Embalming's creepy. | ||
| It's super creepy. | ||
| Yeah, I'd rather be burned or blown up. | ||
| It'd be cool to be blown up. | ||
| Joey Diaz had a friend and they knew someone who died, like a young lady, and the parents showed up at the funeral parlor And the guy came back from doing something with the body, and he was sweaty, and he was out of breath. | ||
| And they were thinking that this guy might have fucked their dead daughter. | ||
| Like, this is a possibility. | ||
| I'm pretty sure Joey told me this story. | ||
| And they saw this guy sweating and heaving, and there was this weird feeling in the air. | ||
| And then they found that out a few times. | ||
| There's been quite a few times your guys got busted doing that. | ||
| Oh, it happens a lot. | ||
| Oh, my God, it must. | ||
| It must. | ||
| Especially with people that are really fucked up in the head, and then on top of being fucked up in the head, they somehow or another get a job where they have access to dead bodies. | ||
| They get super comfortable around being around dead bodies. | ||
| And you just look at this warm tit from some chick who got shot in the head five hours ago. | ||
| You're like, this is a fucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows what? | |
| Yeah, you get seen from a Tarantino movie. | ||
| Goddamn, man. | ||
| That's people, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that are like that. | ||
| Messed up. | ||
| But to see that, man, to see that there's a whole culture based on somehow or another's... | ||
| That was bizarre. | ||
| And there is a whole culture based on it. | ||
| It's not like there's three people. | ||
| There's like lots of them. | ||
| And they have sex with the corpses. | ||
| And they have sex with the corpses. | ||
| And they consume them. | ||
| They wear them. | ||
| They're just trying to break all taboos, right? | ||
| Is that what they're trying to do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Accept the unacceptable. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| Drinking from the skull? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What is he drinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, just a fucking Jesus Christ, son. | |
| Where's your father? | ||
| That's so weird, man. | ||
| That was bizarre. | ||
| It's a bizarre cultural movie. | ||
| But it's, look at it, it's like, it's so weird. | ||
| Like, look behind him. | ||
| You have that... | ||
| Was that a Buddha or Shiva? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shiva. | |
| Shiva image behind him. | ||
| So you're, you know, you're dealing with someone who's practicing. | ||
| But you might go, like, you might go to be cured of something from this guy and he would, like, they swear they have the cures to everything. | ||
| I've got news for you. | ||
| That guy with his head filled with shit and urine. | ||
| Take aspirin. | ||
| Go to CVS and take some aspirin. | ||
| We need more tigers, definitely. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Yeah, tigers to take those assholes out. | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| How many of those people get killed a year by tigers? | ||
| Probably none. | ||
| What we need to do is get Bigfoot and the tiger together in the octagon and see who's the king of the goddamn forest. | ||
| My money's on tiger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I take tiger over Bigfoot all day. | |
| When was the last time Bigfoot jumped 14 feet through the air to bitch slap somebody? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See what that tiger can do? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| How many Sasquatch do you actually estimate are up there? | ||
| I don't estimate anything like that. | ||
| Do you think there's any? | ||
| Do I think there's any? | ||
| Any. | ||
| I think that the possibility of something exists. | ||
| What the fuck it is, I don't know. | ||
| Okay, if you had a guess though, if I gave you, if we said, listen, this is the lottery right now, this is the world lottery, you got two choices. | ||
| One side is... | ||
| Yes, this is a real animal. | ||
| It exists. | ||
| One side is no. | ||
| You've got to push all your chips on one side. | ||
| Which way are you going to go? | ||
| I'd go yes. | ||
| I'm going no. | ||
| All day. | ||
| All day like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take that. | |
| I'll take it. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because even though they did find the hobbit bones, they did find this fanged vampire deer, it just seems like... | ||
| All those things are, like, way more possible than Bigfoot. | ||
| For whatever reason, Bigfoot feels, and I know this isn't logical. | ||
| This isn't scientific. | ||
| It feels like bullshit. | ||
| There's so much bullshit attached to it. | ||
| You already nailed it, though. | ||
| Feelings aren't fact, and that's all you... | ||
| Someone's a little defensive. | ||
| See that? | ||
| No, because on both sides, both sides... | ||
| Got nothing. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Well, that's not totally true because the absence of evidence doesn't necessarily mean there's evidence, but... | ||
| The fact that there's, like, zero evidence would lead the... | ||
| Not real. | ||
| Anecdotal references don't count? | ||
| That doesn't count, because people are full of shit. | ||
| And this is the most hilarious one. | ||
| The Patterson footage. | ||
| Gee, that looks real. | ||
| The fuck out of here. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| The fact that scientists actually examined that thing for decades. | ||
| Well, I believe the gate, perhaps, could be a very unusually shaped person, but my money... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a Sasquatch. | |
| Not a dude with a monkey suit on with football pads on. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Unknown monkey. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Unknown monkey. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It could be real. | ||
| I would tell you what I would be most happy. | ||
| Most happy if it was real. | ||
| I don't know why, but if they did find Bigfoot, it would probably be next to my daughter's birth, probably be the happiest day of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| I want two lesbian Bigfoots. | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| Because you know what? | ||
| Because it means there's still freaking magic in the world. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| If it's real, there's a lot of magic going on. | ||
| There's some cool shit going on out there. | ||
| Okay, Narnia. | ||
| Don't rag on me for the wrong word. | ||
| Okay, hang on a second. | ||
| Magic in the world. | ||
| Episode 78 of Come to Me Bigfoot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's magic still in the world. | |
| Bigfoot's magic dick. | ||
| There's cool shit still. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a lot of cool shit that's alive. | ||
| That's one of my main points about all this. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Why do we need something unknown to get us so excited about biology? | ||
| When there's things like that shoe build, that thing is fucking bizarrely evil looking... | ||
| Real, giant, prehistoric bird. | ||
| It doesn't fly. | ||
| Because Bigfoot is closer to us than we think, right? | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that thing's evil. | ||
| If you're going for Cool Factor... | ||
| That thing is so crazy! | ||
| If you didn't know that was a real animal, and you said, look at this evil thing in this new Hobbit movie. | ||
| One of the things that attacks the Hobbit are five-foot-tall birds that don't fly, and they're predatory, and they have a giant bill that's like the size of... | ||
| That's like, I mean, what is that thing? | ||
| Two feet long? | ||
| They're bills? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It looks exactly like that Dark Crystal creature. | ||
| Remember that creature from the Dark Crystal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It looks exactly like that. | ||
| Well, you know, that's one of the things that they know existed in North America, this terror bird, that put that to shame. | ||
| That's like a five foot tall version of this terror bird. | ||
| It was even bigger, with an even bigger beak. | ||
| And they didn't even find out about that thing until, I want to say like 20 or 30 years ago, they started discovering the fossils. | ||
| I don't, I might be wrong, but I don't think it was that long ago. | ||
| Jamie, do the research, please. | ||
| That's why I said what I did. | ||
| Look at the size of that fucking thing. | ||
| Look at the picture of that thing next to a person. | ||
| Joe, that is cool as shit, right? | ||
| I like how it's next to a soldier. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| They gotta fucking hunt them. | ||
| They gotta hunt them, man. | ||
| The size of that goddamn thing. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That was that big? | ||
| How tall is that dude? | ||
| Is that Bobby Lee? | ||
| How tall is that dude? | ||
| It's actually an army soldier from Toy Story. | ||
| Six foot tall? | ||
| Doesn't say. | ||
| Well, it represents the average person, which I believe the average male in America is like 5'10". | ||
| So think about how God- Look how big it is! | ||
| Next to a Volkswagen! | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Could you imagine you step out of your back porch and you see something bigger than a fucking moose, and it's just a giant bird? | ||
| It's predatory? | ||
| And he owns a Volkswagen Beetle? | ||
| What do they eat? | ||
| What the fuck do they eat? | ||
| Anything they want. | ||
| Yeah, what do they eat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that must be a fucking hungry bitch! | |
| Look at the size of that thing! | ||
| To keep that much mass? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It says 180 kilograms, which is, what is that? | ||
| 400 pounds? | ||
| 300 and something pounds? | ||
| 400 kilograms is 2.2 pounds per kilogram, so 400 kilograms is more than 800 pounds. | ||
| Is it 8-8, right? | ||
| 8,000 pounds. | ||
| 1,000 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, for 400 kilograms. | ||
| Somewhere around. | ||
| In the neighborhood, right? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| A thousand pound bird that just runs around biting people. | ||
| And then this other thing is smaller, but it looks bigger. | ||
| Why does it look bigger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three meters tall. | |
| But why is it... | ||
| Why do they... | ||
| It's taller. | ||
| It's taller. | ||
| Taller and thinner. | ||
| But it doesn't have as much mass. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, I'm scared of the one on the left now. | ||
| That fucking ruthless bitch. | ||
| Why is he so much heavier? | ||
| He's wearing twice as heavy. | ||
| And the other one's taller. | ||
| The one on the right, if you looked at those, you would say, which one's heavier? | ||
| Probably the one on the right, right? | ||
| I'm more scared of the one on the right just because of its beak. | ||
| That looks pretty damaging. | ||
| Looks like a pterodactyl. | ||
| Or not a... | ||
| The thing from Jurassic Park. | ||
| That one looks so predatory that the reason why it's so thin is because it eats so much that it burns calories while it's eating. | ||
| It's killing you and burning your calories. | ||
| It's constantly being a state of murder. | ||
| Just to fuel that fucking face. | ||
| Look at that thing growing off of its head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine... | |
| You got a giant hatchet. | ||
| Big bolt cutters. | ||
| That murders. | ||
| Look at that dude's belt. | ||
| And you're nine feet tall. | ||
| And you weigh, whatever it is, 300 pounds. | ||
| 300 plus pounds. | ||
| 360? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| What's 180? | ||
| What's 180 kilograms? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| 500 fucking pounds. | ||
| Bird. | ||
| Biting you. | ||
| Look in its eyes. | ||
| No mercy. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| No emotions. | ||
| Just dead. | ||
| Like you're looking into a mirror. | ||
| Just dead as it's eating your asshole. | ||
| Alerts its babies that it found one. | ||
| Why is it eating your asshole? | ||
| Because they do. | ||
| Animals start asshole first. | ||
| You know that as much as I do, right? | ||
| It's a tongue asshole. | ||
| They start with your asshole. | ||
| That's one of the things that coyotes do that's so horrific. | ||
| When you find deer that are still half alive, their bottom end is eaten away. | ||
| They eat their asshole and their legs, and oftentimes they're still alive. | ||
| They think there might be some, like, advantages to killing animals that way and keeping them alive because it preserves the meat for a little bit longer than if they just went right to the neck. | ||
| Because, like, this guy that I was up in BC with, he was a moose hunter, so they came across this moose that had been alive for days, and these wolves were eating it for days. | ||
| It was still alive, and they would just eat its legs. | ||
| It was just tearing at its asshole, and they were eating its back legs. | ||
| And the moose couldn't get up. | ||
| It couldn't get away. | ||
| They were keeping it there. | ||
| But like half of his back end was gone and he was still alive. | ||
| Fuck, nature. | ||
| You scary bitch. | ||
| That's scary as fuck. | ||
| You scary bitch, nature. | ||
| And there you are, sleeping in trees. | ||
| Sleeping in the middle of it. | ||
| And there was a deer that happened to in India when we were there. | ||
| The local dogs had taken it. | ||
| All they did was they broke its hind legs, and then they backed off and they let it sit there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Two broken back legs, and we just looked at us like, oh, man, oh, man. | ||
| And they just started eating it. | ||
| You know the dogs were going to either rip it apart that night, or the tigers were going to come down and take it, or the leopards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| So yeah, I'm still out there doing it. | ||
| I'm still out there sleeping in those places. | ||
| Now, why are you still doing this? | ||
| Because you don't have to still do this. | ||
| You can do anything you want. | ||
| I'm actually in a better mood doing it now than I was a couple of years ago. | ||
| I'm kind of enjoying it. | ||
| I came back on this season like a swan song. | ||
| Like, let's have some fun. | ||
| Let's enjoy this. | ||
| I'm going to cool places. | ||
| Mongolia. | ||
| What are you going to do in Mongolia? | ||
| Survivor, man. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Tonga, India. | ||
| Some beautiful, amazing places, so... | ||
| Have you seen that new tribe that they found in Mongolia that rides on caribou? | ||
| They have like tame caribou and they ride them around. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They use animals to hunt. | ||
| They've trained wolves and they've trained eagles to hunt for them. | ||
| You know, they've known that they've been able to do that for a while, like, trained golden eagles to, like, take out smaller animals. | ||
| They take out deer. | ||
| But this tribe, they have domesticated caribou. | ||
| They've domesticated reindeer. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's been around for a while. | ||
| It's wild, man. | ||
| They ride them around like they're horses. | ||
| It's like, and that's in Mongolia. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a crazy part of the world, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why I'm really enjoying this season. | ||
| I'm going to places I haven't been before. | ||
| Is it like... | ||
| There's a guy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's a woman, I believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so cool. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| She's riding a caribou like it's a fucking horse. | ||
| Is it welcome like like you're doing one thing that it's like man am I wasting my time like what is this like what I can need to see something But the other hand if you did find something if you were up there and you got great footage of this fucking big monkey Bounding between two or three trees just looking at you and saying fuck he got me Holy shit If we were like, | ||
| we weren't crazy, these 200 different Native American names for this animal, it wasn't crazy. | ||
| People want to know that that thing's real or that isn't real. | ||
| Like, I fuck around and I joke around about it not being real, but the reality is I don't fucking know. | ||
| We really don't know. | ||
| There's too many people that have said that there's something up there. | ||
| Doesn't mean that there's something up there. | ||
| It means the woods are scary, they're dense, it gets dark out, people make shit up, people know that other people made shit up, they hear their stories, they think, what if they're real? | ||
| I think I might have saw it too. | ||
| And then it builds up in your mind. | ||
| That's possible too. | ||
| But it's also possible there's a giant, undiscovered primate. | ||
| If anybody catches it, I hope it's you. | ||
| I'll let you know. | ||
| Not Dean Cain. | ||
| Bring it in first. | ||
| He doesn't deserve it. | ||
| Let's mix Loch Ness with Bigfoot. | ||
| What if Bigfoot lived underwater and that's where he hid out? | ||
| There's no water up there. | ||
| That's a stupid idea. | ||
| Shot down in flames. | ||
| That doesn't work. | ||
| It's not like he lives near a lake. | ||
| You know what they believe on that show River Monsters? | ||
| You know that River Monsters show? | ||
| They think they figured out what the Lake Champlain monster is. | ||
| They think it's a sturgeon. | ||
| An enormous sturgeon. | ||
| Because apparently there are sturgeons there and they've caught sturgeons. | ||
| And sturgeons get enormous. | ||
| Huge, yeah. | ||
| Enormous. | ||
| Have you ever seen a sturgeon? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I saw one in real life the other day. | ||
| I saw one in Mexico that someone had caught. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| That's a big goddamn fish. | ||
| The one I saw was small, but they had him on the show, that Jeremy, whatever his name is, that gentleman who runs River Monsters, that goes fishing, that guy's legit, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't seem to have any fuckery on his shows. | ||
| He was in Lake Champlain, and they had a photo of this thing from overhead, and it looked exactly like a giant sturgeon. | ||
| You're talking like a 16-foot-long sturgeon. | ||
| Like, they really get that big. | ||
| They do. | ||
| And they look like a dinosaur. | ||
| Prehistoric animal. | ||
| That's a sturgeon. | ||
| Okay, yes. | ||
| That's a pretty big one. | ||
| See, look at that. | ||
| That's a Lake Champlain sturgeon. | ||
| So someone caught that in Lake Champlain. | ||
| I believe that's what that's saying. | ||
| Is that what that's saying? | ||
| And they get way bigger. | ||
| Is that what it's saying? | ||
| Okay, so these are absolutely real sturgeon they've caught in Lake Champlain. | ||
| Those aren't that big. | ||
| I mean, that's probably like five feet long or something like that. | ||
| That one, maybe the other one was a little bit bigger. | ||
| But they believe that there's some enormous ones in there. | ||
| And I think that that river monster's guy... | ||
| Look at that one that that guy's got in his arm. | ||
| Look at that one right there. | ||
| That's not a sturgeon. | ||
| That's a pike. | ||
| The one next to it. | ||
| The one right next to it, if you go down. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's a big fucking fish, man. | ||
| That's a big fish. | ||
| That's like a person. | ||
| It's a person fish. | ||
| But the really big ones. | ||
| If you take a photo of giant sturgeon, or Google giant sturgeon, and you'll get an image of what they look like at their very biggest thing. | ||
| 16 feet long? | ||
| Yeah, they're an enormous, prehistoric fish. | ||
| The only, like, the gar is the only one that's creepier. | ||
| The alligator gar. | ||
| The gars are creepy, aren't they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, they're creepy. | |
| I've always said that. | ||
| They have, like, armor. | ||
| Their bodies covered in armor. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at the fucking size of that thing. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's a painting. | ||
| Looks like a pain to me. | ||
| Does your dick ever fall asleep on these chairs, Jeff? | ||
| Does that look real? | ||
| Your dick's asleep? | ||
| Your dick's checked out, dude. | ||
| It's tired of what you've been doing to it. | ||
| It's like, we're done, dude. | ||
| We're going numb. | ||
| Next thing you know, we're gonna tie ourselves and not hang ourselves while you're sleeping. | ||
| See, is that the biggest one you could find? | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Look at that thing! | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Holy fuck! | ||
| What is that? | ||
| 10 feet long? | ||
| That's probably 10 feet long, right? | ||
| Less if you had a guess. | ||
| Nine. | ||
| Nine? | ||
| Look at these conservatives. | ||
| Love them. | ||
| Yeah, fucking Christ, man. | ||
| 78 years old, he catches a huge 350 pound sturgeon in British Columbia. | ||
| That's where he was. | ||
| Look at that goddamn thing. | ||
| So heavy, it towed his boat for half an hour. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Before the pensioner was able to pull... | ||
| Hey, he's a guy. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| Just because he's old. | ||
| You gotta pull out the fact that he's on his pension. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Try to diminish the man's achievement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He created... | |
| Starbuck. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Starbucks? | ||
| That's his last name. | ||
| Is that his last name? | ||
| Yeah, he created Starbucks. | ||
| Mr. Starbuck. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| So those alligator gars, pull up a giant alligator gar. | ||
| I think these are even more creepy. | ||
| Because sturgeons, I don't think they eat much meat. | ||
| They eat like little fish and whatever. | ||
| They suck off the bottom, right? | ||
| Isn't that the deal with them? | ||
| They're the bottom feeders. | ||
| Bottom feeders. | ||
| But alligator gars, they look way more predatory. | ||
| Look at that picture of the mouth down there. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| There's one above that, Jamie. | ||
| Or where was it? | ||
| Go back to those other images. | ||
| There's one- no, there's a better one. | ||
| The guy has its mouth wide open where you can get a good look- That one right there. | ||
| Right there, yeah. | ||
| It's an actual alligator? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Look at that thing! | ||
| Oh my god, that's a Florida gar. | ||
| How is that a real animal? | ||
| That thing looks so crazy. | ||
| That's prehistoric. | ||
| Let me see the alligator right next to it. | ||
| The one that we thought was it. | ||
| See it right in the images down there in the lower right-hand side? | ||
| Related images? | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| That is a gar. | ||
| That's what I was thinking it was. | ||
| Let me just go to that image. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Most people don't even know what this is. | ||
| Most people have no idea what a gar is. | ||
| That's a sturgeon. | ||
| If you brought that up to them, they'd be like, what? | ||
| Go back to that one where they see the jaw where we thought it was an alligator. | ||
| The middle of the bottom. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Go to the full image of that. | ||
| Let's end with this fucking... | ||
| The world is filled with mystery, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Don't be so quick to say that Sasquatch isn't real when that fucking thing's swimming around. | ||
| Have you seen the penis snake yet? | ||
| What is the penis snake? | ||
| They just found this snake that's called the Arrothochonia. | ||
| But if you just type in penis snake, it's a snake from Brazil, I believe. | ||
| It looks like a penis? | ||
| Yeah, it looks like a big, hard, or long penis. | ||
| How about those fucking things in the Amazon where those guys pee in the water? | ||
| They have to cup their hand over their dick because there's fish that'll fly right up your urethra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Catfish. | |
| Yeah, this one right here. | ||
| That's a dick. | ||
| Big black one, too. | ||
| Yeah, that's a nice one. | ||
| That's a nice cut. | ||
| Yeah, it's a cut dick. | ||
| Or it's got the helmet cover on. | ||
| It's ready to bust out. | ||
| It's got a very long foreskin. | ||
| Could be, right? | ||
| Like it's all tied up in a knot in the top. | ||
| Look at those wrinkles. | ||
| I mean, that looks like a dick right there. | ||
| That's like balls and dick. | ||
| That's not what my dick looks like. | ||
| If your dick looks like you need to go to a doctor immediately. | ||
| Your dick's dehydrated. | ||
| It's probably dead. | ||
| I mean, like what? | ||
| Sick dick. | ||
| When I have a sick dick. | ||
| Do you have a lot of sick dick days? | ||
| No. | ||
| Once in a while, I do have a sick dick. | ||
| How many days do you allow yourself a year? | ||
| How many sick dick days? | ||
| One every... | ||
| I don't know, four months, I allow a good sick dick. | ||
| I'm gonna send one of these photos to a girl to see if she thinks it's a dick. | ||
| The kind of chicks you're dating? | ||
| I bet you tell them it was fucking a dick in Narnia. | ||
| Just make it black and white. | ||
| It's a dick on the moon. | ||
| Look, we got a picture from the rover. | ||
| That's a Mordor dick. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Did you see that Scientology documentary? | ||
| There's people out there that'll believe anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Going clear? | |
| Some bits of that, yeah. | ||
| I've read part of the book. | ||
| I didn't see the documentary yet, but I heard it's amazing. | ||
| Is there any correlation between the belief in Xenu and the belief in Sasquatch? | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Very similar. | ||
| There is a little bit of this need for this fucking thing to be real that clouds the judgment. | ||
| And I applaud the fact that you went into this as objectively as a unique individual as you could. | ||
| It's, you know, no one is completely objective. | ||
| I think we all strive to be, especially if you're Really trying to give a good audit of your life and trying to figure out how you're running things. | ||
| How objective am I being about this goddamn Bigfoot thing? | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| You're a lot invested in it. | ||
| You're out there. | ||
| It would suck if it wasn't real. | ||
| You've been out there, what, how many times now? | ||
| Not to me at all. | ||
| At this point, this is eight. | ||
| Eight shows. | ||
| Nine shows. | ||
| I still go out the same way. | ||
| It's like, bring it. | ||
| Show me. | ||
| Bring it. | ||
| That guy that you're with, you said you had issues with him. | ||
| Well, there's a whole bunch of different people that I go out there with now. | ||
| No, I don't have any issues with Todd. | ||
| Everybody else does. | ||
| Everybody else does. | ||
| So, is it possible that what we're looking at right there actually was a Bigfoot? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't got a clue. | ||
| If you had to put all your money... | ||
| If you have all your cash... | ||
| No matter what, and knowing him, and knowing that stuff, I still sit with 50-50 on it. | ||
| It's just like, could be or couldn't be. | ||
| LOL. Ah, because you're 99.9. | ||
| 100. 100. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| That's a feckin' fake. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Why is it just sitting there? | ||
| While everybody else that even claims to have seen one says they fuckin' bolt. | ||
| Yeah, it winks. | ||
| Go back to the blink again. | ||
| I see the blink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Winked. | |
| That's how a person winks. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| That looks so fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My God. | |
| And what's the smash cut from there to there? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There should be music playing when that's on. | |
| Have you tried to get that guy to take a polygraph test? | ||
| No, that's not a bad idea. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| What am I going to have to figure this whole thing out for you? | ||
| I need to be a secret producer on your show. | ||
| I called you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're busy. | |
| You wouldn't want me on the show. | ||
| You're busy. | ||
| Shit would go one episode with me. | ||
| I'd be like, um, this guy's full of shit, Les. | ||
| We're out in the woods with a bullshit artist. | ||
| That's what we should do. | ||
| There's a bullshit artist. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Take this polygraph test. | ||
| You be the skeptic. | ||
| I'll be the open guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| I'm okay. | ||
| And you could just do that every show. | ||
| How about we both be the skeptic? | ||
| Let's be done with this. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, I still stay the skeptic anyway. | ||
| See, this is... | ||
| I watch the show. | ||
| First of all... | ||
| I think that the area where you're at is so remote. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I mean, it's an incredible piece of wilderness. | ||
| And one of the things that when we went Bigfoot hunting for that sci-fi show, this guy told us, he was a really cool guy. | ||
| He goes, look, even if there is no Bigfoot, we're still camping. | ||
| We're still out here camping. | ||
| We're having a good time. | ||
| We're enjoying. | ||
| It's the best part. | ||
| And he really did feel that way. | ||
| The guy was not bullshitting. | ||
| So that area, there's nothing lost in exploring that area. | ||
| I said that on the show. | ||
| I said, you know what? | ||
| Let's look at it this way. | ||
| Let's say they don't exist at all. | ||
| Worst case scenario, I get an awesome night in my tent on the edge of a lake, and it's beautiful. | ||
| And you're experiencing this intense, wild nature, which makes you feel really connected to life. | ||
| That's the thing about when you're in those woods, and you're in those remote areas, you must feel intensely connected to life. | ||
| Yeah, I do, for sure. | ||
| In a weird way that you don't... | ||
| Reconnected. | ||
| Reconnected. | ||
| Is that the way to describe it? | ||
| I would think reconnected, yeah. | ||
| In a way you're never going to get in a city. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's a different experience. | ||
| You feel different. | ||
| You feel different when you're so attached to the nature that's around you. | ||
| You are immersed in it. | ||
| You're a part of it. | ||
| When you're in the woods, the woods doesn't give a fuck about your 401k plan. | ||
| It doesn't give a fuck if you have your insurance card in your glove compartment. | ||
| It doesn't give a fuck if your left tire is starting to run low. | ||
| It doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Nature doesn't give a fuck about any of the variables that you present. | ||
| It's like, this is what we have to offer. | ||
| It's a wild shootout. | ||
| It's a wild shootout between predators and prey, and there's limited food supply, and there's a bunch of animals darting around left and right and shitting in the woods. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| That's that's what you feel when you're out there you feel this like wow Maybe the stock market really isn't like the epicenter of the universe Maybe it doesn't really matter in the greater scheme of the universe whether or not I owe money on my student loans Maybe it doesn't really matter if I'm in credit card debt and my wife is banging her trainer. | ||
| Maybe it doesn't matter That's why it's good to go out to the bush. | ||
| Yeah, when you're out there, it puts the whole ball of wax. | ||
| You might be completely wrapped up in your own weird thing to the point where you don't recognize the fact That you're a part of nature. | ||
| You're just removed because you have walls, you have electricity, and you have a hat on, but you're a part of nature, an unavoidable part of it. | ||
| You're in there. | ||
| You're in it. | ||
| So even if Bigfoot's bullshit, there's still something that nature is so wild that the possibility of Bigfoot isn't outside of the realm of what you would consider to have a potential reality to it. | ||
| It's not outside of it. | ||
| It's in the realm. | ||
| Bingo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Survivor man, Bigfoot. | |
| Tune in. | ||
| If you do find something, would you please bring it to us immediately? | ||
| Can we get a scoop? | ||
| Okay, you got a scoop. | ||
| For real? | ||
| For real. | ||
| Snapchat us. | ||
| Snapchat us? | ||
| We should exchange our Snapchats. | ||
| Yeah, it'll be like what you sent me today, you fuck. | ||
| He sends me this fucking thing. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| This is horrible. | ||
| This is the type of person he is. | ||
| He sends me this text message that ISIS has closed down the 405. Let's see if it affects any of the areas where you live. | ||
| Click this link. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's for a map of what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And here's the... | ||
| Here I click the link and... | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| There you go, Jamie. | ||
| It's a serious April Fool's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a thick one. | |
| Yeah, I was in the airport in Mexico. | ||
| And I was like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I paid Verizon Romy Data for that. | ||
| $40 to see some black dick. | ||
| I don't think it was that much. | ||
| They're likely to throw you in jail for that. | ||
| Mexico? | ||
| Mexico. | ||
| They're nice people. | ||
| They're not so uptight. | ||
| That's a fucking great part of the world. | ||
| If it wasn't for all the drug war shit and all the bullshit, Mexican people are the nicest fucking people. | ||
| They're so nice. | ||
| If I had one food to choose from to the day I die, it would be a tough call between Italian food and Mexican food. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Italian, 100%. | ||
| But you're a pasta eater, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I rarely eat pasta, but I also know that Mexicans food is just like three ingredients. | ||
| Everything's the same. | ||
| It's bean or tortilla. | ||
| No, you get at a real Mexican joint. | ||
| They do the best skirt steak in the world. | ||
| The best skirt steak you get in Mexican restaurants. | ||
| Where they marinate it and they... | ||
| God damn, man. | ||
| There's a lot of Mexican dishes where they do it correctly. | ||
| We had some fish in Mexico, like Fresh Caught Snapper. | ||
| They have the best... | ||
| They invented ceviche. | ||
| They invented cooking things in lime juice. | ||
| You have really good ceviche from fresh fish. | ||
| Oh, it's unbelievably delicious. | ||
| A little bit of lime, some cilantro in there, a little bit of onions, tomatoes. | ||
| Is pizza a part of this? | ||
| Because pizza's doughy. | ||
| The problem with me and pizza... | ||
| And wasn't pizza invented by the Chinese, anyway? | ||
| Whatever it is, bro. | ||
| We took it. | ||
| We made it a little bit better. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| They made the noodle. | ||
| We took it. | ||
| We put a little pasta sauce on that. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm not an aficionado in the fucking history of gluten. | ||
| But I do know that when I eat too much of it, it fucks me up. | ||
| Your body converts it to sugar. | ||
| You're eating a bowl of sugar. | ||
| When you're eating a bowl of pasta, you're eating a bowl of white flour. | ||
| You're eating a bowl of sugar. | ||
| I mean, that's really what your body thinks it is. | ||
| You get this crazy insulin fucking thing happening. | ||
| Your body's like, what is all this fucking sugar? | ||
| You don't get that if you just eat vegetables and meats. | ||
| Even beans don't give you that spike the same way. | ||
| Those pasta dishes and heavy, heavy bread dishes, they're just not good for you, man. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| They taste fucking amazing. | ||
| You know, like a good lasagna. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| That belly-stretching feeling when you know you've eaten something virtually indigestible. | ||
| But it's awesome. | ||
| Tour of Italy. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| You know, and I would love to know what pasta was like before they started monkeying around with wheat. | ||
| Because they think that, like, somewhere around the early 1900s, they started, like, doing something to wheat to make it more durable, to make greater yields, and to make it be a little bit more hardy. | ||
| And they just changed the way wheat grows. | ||
| They changed the actual consistency of the plant. | ||
| And from then on, it became like harder and harder for people to digest it, apparently. | ||
| That's the idea. | ||
| And then, the other idea is that these processed flours, it's just, your body's just not, that's not how it's supposed to be eaten. | ||
| Everybody doesn't know what to do with that. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Like, eat a bowl of sugar. | ||
| Like, if you had some sugar and you put, that doesn't exist in nature. | ||
| In nature, sugar comes attached to fiber. | ||
| It comes attached to vitamins. | ||
| It's like a reward for eating fruit. | ||
| You eat oranges. | ||
| It tastes delicious. | ||
| You're getting that sugar, but you're also getting vitamin C. You're getting all that fiber. | ||
| It's like a trick to get you to eat something delicious so that you will shit out the seeds and fertilize those seeds. | ||
| Nature's got a whole system set up. | ||
| It doesn't exist with a bowl of sugar. | ||
| You pour a bowl of sugar on your fucking Frosted Flakes. | ||
| That's something that doesn't exist in nature. | ||
| Tell me you didn't do that. | ||
| Did you ever have frosted flakes and you poured sugar on top of them? | ||
| I never did that. | ||
| I never did that. | ||
| It sounds great though. | ||
| Delicious. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| You know, you're at the edge of darkness. | ||
| Double frost them frosted flakes. | ||
| You fucking suck this sugar. | ||
| You suck. | ||
| Spoonfuls of it. | ||
| Then you drink the milk. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| It tastes like C2O coconut water. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Frosted flake milk might be the best thing ever. | ||
| Might be the best. | ||
| Fuck champagne. | ||
| It's just liquid sugar. | ||
| How much you paying for that Cabernet Sauvignon? | ||
| Frosted Flakes milk. | ||
| If you were in the mood for Frosted Flakes milk at the end of a bowl of Frosted Flakes that you double-sugared, and someone ordered you a glass of Cabernet, you'd be like, get that sloppy, nasty, bitter shit out of my face. | ||
| I'm about to feast on some Frosted Flakes milk. | ||
| Raisin bran with sugar. | ||
| What do you think Bigfoot eats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got to be eaten a lot. | |
| He's pretty big. | ||
| If you had a guess. | ||
| Elk? | ||
| Elk. | ||
| Mushrooms. | ||
| What do they say? | ||
| They say elk mushrooms, berries, roots, tubers, shoots, grasses, deer. | ||
| But if it was elk, wouldn't you find like a carcass? | ||
| We found a moose carcass when it was up in BC that had been killed by wolves. | ||
| These researchers say they do find them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| These researchers? | ||
| Like the ones who wear rubber suits? | ||
| What else do you think I got to go on? | ||
| It's just people who are into the subject matter. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do they take photos of these carcasses? | ||
| They have photos? | ||
| They put them on land? | ||
| No, they're taking photos and they're measuring them. | ||
| They're doing everything scientifically now. | ||
| But if you found a carcass, right, you'd probably be able to get some DNA off that or something was pretty, you know, praying. | ||
| Depends on how old it is, right? | ||
| You know, you already said yourself, the DNA thing's pretty unstable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Out of all those sources, of all the different people that are quote-unquote researchers, what do you think is the most credible organization? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Les Stroud, Bigfoot, staff, and crew. | |
| Survivorman Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah, credible? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 4chan. | ||
| 4chan? | ||
| Reddit? | ||
| Whoever's got nothing, whoever doesn't have a stake in it. | ||
| Right, but doesn't everybody have a stake in it? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Once you spend a night in the woods, you have a stake in it more than the guy who watches it on TV and goes, bitch, you have more of a stake. | ||
| That's an emotional stake. | ||
| I'm talking about a financial stake. | ||
| Well, you have a financial stake, too, because it's not free to go live in the woods. | ||
| If you do, you've got to eat food that you have to buy. | ||
| You have to make sure that you're not working back in the city and earning money, so it'll cost you money in that regard. | ||
| You have to have gear, which costs money. | ||
| The hell are you talking about? | ||
| You have to have camping gear. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| What am I talking about? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What the fuck's that got to do? | ||
| There's a stake. | ||
| You spent your time, which is money. | ||
| Time equals money to most people. | ||
| There's a stake in that. | ||
| You've invested your sanity. | ||
| I mean if you're out for profit. | ||
| If you're out for profit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Those guys, they're suspect, right? | ||
| They've got to be suspect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| They have to be. | ||
| Because if you're a normal human being, you're going to have a bias. | ||
| That's like how you feed yourself like the finding Bigfoot folks like if you really got those dudes high on peyote and Told them to tell the real truth about every episode Like that's a good idea when you were hooting you knew that Bobo was hooting back, right? | ||
| right? | ||
| But when the camera was on and you had the night vision on, man, I heard it too. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| I heard it for sure. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| What a night. | ||
| We definitely got a call back. | ||
| Something called us back. | ||
| It knocked wood. | ||
| Who invented wood knocking? | ||
| Who's that fuckhead? | ||
| I wish I knew. | ||
| Somebody just decided that they knocked back, right? | ||
| And knocked him up with a piece of wood. | ||
| Does anybody challenge that? | ||
| Is there two schools of thought when it comes to wood knocking? | ||
| Nah, it just is what it is. | ||
| You either do it or you don't. | ||
| Some do, some don't. | ||
| But do you think that Sasquatches whack sticks against trees? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| All I know is they're talking about, they hear the sounds of, like, sticks being whacked against trees. | ||
| That's why they do it. | ||
| Yeah, one of the guys, when we were in Pacific Northwest, he was very skeptical about the wood knocking. | ||
| He's like, I'm not buying it. | ||
| There's, like, different camps. | ||
| Guys are like... | ||
| Well, that's what I said. | ||
| It's that scale of believability, and they're all... | ||
| Infighting, because everybody wants to be able to say, I'm the one who figured it out. | ||
| I got the film footage. | ||
| Is there a Michael Jordan of Bigfoot researchers? | ||
| Is there one dude that everybody bows down to? | ||
| The one, the Hicks and Gracie of Bigfoot researchers? | ||
| There's gotta be. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are you a knocker? | ||
| Yeah, are you a knocker? | ||
| Are you a hooter? | ||
| Or a hooper? | ||
| Are you a hoop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hoop! | |
| Hoop! | ||
| What do you think about that Samurai Chatter? | ||
| You ever heard that? | ||
| You never heard Samurai Chatter? | ||
| Samurai Chatter was a guy, I want to say it was like from the 1970s, who recorded some vocalizations that sound like, and he claimed that these were Bigfoot. | ||
| You never looked into this? | ||
| No, I haven't heard that one. | ||
| Yeah, we had a sound expert Uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Analyze these for that sci-fi show. | ||
| To me, it sounds like total horseshit. | ||
| And he's like, a human voice can't make that noise. | ||
| I'm like, yes it can. | ||
| Here, I'll do it. | ||
| Like, I just did it. | ||
| Like, don't say a person can't make that. | ||
| This is a recording. | ||
| Recordings, especially from like 1970s equipment... | ||
| When you're in the woods, like field equipment, like you're not getting an absolute exact representation of the sound that you're recording. | ||
| You're getting some sort of whatever the gear is capable of picking up. | ||
| Like a really good microphone, like these microphones, these Shores, right? | ||
| What are these things? | ||
| What makes these? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is like a really good microphone. | ||
| This is about as close to a... | ||
| When you hear yourself on a podcast, you go, that's definitely me. | ||
| That sounds exactly like me. | ||
| But this is a recording of you. | ||
| Like, it's not you. | ||
| It's taking you and it's recording the best possible version of your voice it can. | ||
| It's not you talking again. | ||
| So when you're hearing... | ||
| You're hearing a machine that has picked up some sound that you made... | ||
| And it's put this down as best it could in 1978 or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| But it's not going to be exact. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| So when anybody says, a human being can't even make that sound, well, you're right. | ||
| It has to be a tape recorder. | ||
| That's what makes that sound. | ||
| It has to record it from a human being. | ||
| But once you go through that, like, you're in some gray area. | ||
| Like, who knows what it could sound like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who do you want? | |
| Look at that! | ||
| Do you find it? | ||
| Did you find it? | ||
| Samurai Chatter. | ||
| Find this. | ||
| Samurai Chatter or Bigfoot sounds. | ||
| You're gonna howl. | ||
| So the sound expert, what's that? | ||
| Like part-time sales at Best Buy? | ||
| No, he is a earbud aficionado. | ||
| Oh, so he has a pair of Beats headphones? | ||
| Well, he has the Beats Studio Pro. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Bluetooth ones. | |
| He gets the Bluetooth ones where the guy, I'm the man, I'm the man, that kind. | ||
| He's got the kind that awkwardly hook around the back of your ear when the ear buds. | ||
| No, he was a real sound expert. | ||
| He also was like he was in the Navy like he deciphered languages in the Navy First of all, I don't trust this British fuck every year Reminds me of Jolly Appleseed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
and pulled so I couldn't figure out what the hell it was. | |
| And so they took up a tape recorder one time and this is what they recorded. | ||
| It is very bizarre indeed. - How many rubber bands do you think that guy has around his balls while he's making that noise? | ||
| Sounds like an open mic comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We decided to record the sounds. | |
| Oh, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put them on a CD and a cassette and make them available to people. | |
| Okay. - Okay. | ||
| See, this is a part of the problem we're dealing with in the Bigfoot community, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| Yep, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And when you hear something like that, what do you think that is? | |
| I haven't got a clue. | ||
| Like you say, I mean, that could have been easily recorded by anybody. | ||
| What do you think it was, Brian? | ||
| Totally somebody just doing those noises, of course. | ||
| And they just sounded like an idiot doing it. | ||
| Like, you could picture that person, what they're doing, making those noises, like an idiot. | ||
| I'm offended by his skepticism. | ||
| What if it's not, though? | ||
| What if it wasn't? | ||
| What if it wasn't a human? | ||
| What if it wasn't a human? | ||
| Then what was it? | ||
| While we were filming the show, and I went over this, these are some things I considered. | ||
| And one time when we were at the Ice House, we got so high that I believe the Patterson footage was real for a few seconds. | ||
| I was like, what if I'm an asshole? | ||
| And what if this whole time, that is a real Bigfoot, and I've just been mocking it. | ||
| I was so high. | ||
| And then I came down. | ||
| I was like, bitch, that's a guy in a monkey suit. | ||
| Look at that fucking stupid thing! | ||
| It's so obvious. | ||
| If it looks like someone in a monkey suit, most likely it's someone in a monkey suit. | ||
| When you look at a giraffe, you never go, ah, that looks like a person in a fucking giraffe outfit. | ||
| No, they look like giraffes. | ||
| Like, they have a very giraffe-like way of walking. | ||
| That stupid fucking thing walks like a person. | ||
| But I might be wrong. | ||
| What do you think about that? | ||
| What do you think about the Patterson? | ||
| I haven't explored it enough. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it'd be cool if you were wrong. | ||
| How could it be possible? | ||
| You really haven't looked into this? | ||
| You haven't looked into all the various... | ||
| I sat with the guy who was there. | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| Gimlin? | ||
| Bob Gimlin. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I just didn't smell bullshit on him when he was talking. | ||
| It sounded like he was just talking right from his heart, like this is what I saw. | ||
| Nobody ever accused Gimlin of being a part of it though, right? | ||
| They accused Roger Patterson, the guy who filmed it, who went to jail for writing a bad check to pay for the very camera he used to film Bigfoot. | ||
| Known con man. | ||
| And then there was the other guy who said he was in the suit. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bob... | |
| He was also proven to be bullshitting. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Bullshitters were bullshitting? | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| Hieronymus. | ||
| Bob Hieronymus. | ||
| Yeah, I remembered. | ||
| Who was a big guy who walked a lot like Bigfoot. | ||
| Like, there's this video footage, a montage of Bob Hieronymus next to the Patterson footage, and he walks just like it. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| You ever seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, he's a big, gangly-looking cowboy motherfucker. | ||
| One of those dudes who has those giant belt buckles, and it looks normal on him. | ||
| You know, there's certain dudes, you see him with a giant, like, rodeo belt buckle, you go, yeah. | ||
| Okay, that's what he would wear. | ||
| You can pull it off. | ||
| Here, look at this. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| That's him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| That's Bob Hieronymus. | ||
| I mean, that is Bob Hieronymus, and that is the Bigfoot thing behind him. | ||
| I mean, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| It's him. | ||
| I mean, fucking get out of here. | ||
| That's that dude. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I've never seen that before. | ||
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, he's just got some gorilla arms that are, like, extra long at the end. | ||
| You know, he's got some fake hand, got some fake fur thing on. | ||
| Or it's a female Sasquatch. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| It had titties. | ||
| Okay, if you had to push all your chips, you got all your money here. | ||
| Where are we going to go here, Les? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are we going to do? | |
| I don't gamble. | ||
| Are we going all in on, yes, it's Bigfoot, or all in on Bob Hieronymus is telling the truth? | ||
| All in on, I don't gamble. | ||
| That's why I'm going out there. | ||
| You don't gamble at all? | ||
| I don't gamble. | ||
| I can't gamble for shit. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| A little bit of roulette. | ||
| What about bet on fights? | ||
| What if George St. Pierre was fighting? | ||
| I bet on fights. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I bet on one. | ||
| Come on, I was a strong Canadian. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You bet. | ||
| So you bet. | ||
| So this is like an educated guess as well. | ||
| Okay, how about this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Forget all in. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's make it 50 bucks. | ||
| Nothing crazy. | ||
| Nothing crazy. | ||
| Just bragging rights and 50 bucks. | ||
| I'm going with it that there's something there. | ||
| That thing? | ||
| That video. | ||
| Oh, you're talking about the video? | ||
| Just the video? | ||
| That video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Bullshit. | ||
| I can't gamble on that because I just don't know enough. | ||
| I am closing my eyes and pushing the whole bag of chips towards bullshit. | ||
| I know you are. | ||
| All the money in the world, bullshit. | ||
| Wow, that's a strong word. | ||
| He didn't even spell word world wrong. | ||
| And I don't like gambling. | ||
| And he doesn't like gambling. | ||
| Unless it's no condiment. | ||
| We're not trying to pitch on you. | ||
| Look, we're not trying to gang up on you. | ||
| You're not gang up on me, man. | ||
| It seems like we're ganging up on you. | ||
| No, you're not gang up. | ||
| Okay, I know. | ||
| I'll take both your bets. | ||
| Listen, you know I love you. | ||
| I want you to be successful. | ||
| Take both your bets. | ||
| Out of all these assholes, this guy that pretends he has Bigfoot in his cooler. | ||
| That shithead. | ||
| Rick Dyer. | ||
| All these guys. | ||
| The guy who says he shot Bigfoot. | ||
| All these fucking guys. | ||
| Their stories are all very fantastical. | ||
| That's why I just look them all straight in their face and go, Show me what you got. | ||
| Oh, you think it's scary on the mountain over there? | ||
| Okay, well, I'll stay out there tonight and see what happens. | ||
| If one fucking dude had it, though, imagine. | ||
| One dude found the footage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Oh, it takes one. | ||
| That's all it takes. | ||
| One dude. | ||
| Goddamn, son. | ||
| That would be the coolest shit ever. | ||
| But why? | ||
| That's what I want to know. | ||
| Why would that be cooler than a tiger? | ||
| Why would that be cooler than a killer whale? | ||
| Why would that be cooler than a shoebill? | ||
| Because if it's there, we think it's a missing link. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| There's no missing link. | ||
| It doesn't really work that way. | ||
| That's like some archaic thinking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's very non-scientific. | ||
| And there's no archaic thinking going on in North America today. | ||
| No, there's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The Religious Freedom Act doesn't have anything to do with... | ||
| That's not what it's about, man. | ||
| It's about Jesus. | ||
| You don't even fucking know, man. | ||
| It's just, it seems to be out of all the things that are like, all the mysteries, it's one of the most probable, which is one of the most exciting things about it. | ||
| Like, the Loch Ness Monster, oh man, what are the idea that some long-necked dinosaur thing is living in the middle of a lake in Scotland? | ||
| Fucking get out of here. | ||
| I'm not buying in on that, you know? | ||
| I believe that more than Bigfoot. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Loch Ness, 100% more. | ||
| See, I don't. | ||
| I think that's way more unlikely. | ||
| It's way more unlikely that some sort of a cold-blooded reptile that's enormous, that lives in a loch, has gone undetected for this long with a breeding population, that's way too open. | ||
| Even if it is huge, it's still just water. | ||
| You would see more of them, you know? | ||
| No, I'm saying it did exist. | ||
| I don't think it exists anymore. | ||
| Oh, did exist. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, dude, the Gigantopithecus thing, that did exist. | ||
| The difference between unicorns and leprechauns and the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot... | ||
| It's mushrooms. | ||
| Bigfoot... | ||
| probably. | ||
| Bigfoot leaves tracks. | ||
| If you want to meet the leprechauns, you can meet them. | ||
| You just gotta take enough mushrooms. | ||
| You can meet leprechauns. | ||
| You really can. | ||
| If you eat the proper dosage of any really potent psychedelic mushroom, psychedelic DMT, anything that's really intense, transformative psychedelics, you can see things that make gremlins seem totally normal. | ||
| I think that's the root of all that shit. | ||
| That's the root of all those... | ||
| I mean, this is all people that were eating plants that they didn't even know what the fuck they did. | ||
| They didn't understand the mechanisms behind them. | ||
| They had rituals around cultivating them and keeping them. | ||
| That might be a part of the Bigfoot thing too, man. | ||
| I mean, Bigfoot might not even be a real thing. | ||
| It might be a real thing that you only can experience when you're having a psychedelic trip. | ||
| Like the idea of Bigfoot in a physical sense, it might not even be real. | ||
| It might be something that when you eat enough psychedelics, it tunes into some part of your memory that recreates this thing that lived a long time ago. | ||
| Best question asked about Bigfoot is not what it is, it's why. | ||
| Why is it even there at all? | ||
| No, the best question is where is it? | ||
| Where the fuck is it? | ||
| Where the fuck is it? | ||
| You're looking for it and you're asking the wrong questions. | ||
| Okay, this is like almost two hours. | ||
| I'm tapping it. | ||
| It's more than two hours. | ||
| It's almost three. | ||
| It's almost three. | ||
| I'm tapping it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Survivor Man, Bigfoot, when is it airing? | ||
| When can people watch it? | ||
| Discovery Channel, Science Channels, Wednesdays, Fridays. | ||
| Even if you're a non-believer, ladies and gentlemen, I recommend three bong hits and some good friends, and you will enjoy this goddamn show! | ||
| Les Stroud, you're a fucking man's man. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I'm always happy to talk to you. | ||
| Thanks, Brian. | ||
| I really do mean that. | ||
| If there's a Sasquatch out there, I sincerely hope that you find it. | ||
| And I sincerely hope there really is a Sasquatch. | ||
| Wouldn't that be the coolest shit? | ||
| Brian is out. | ||
| No, I'm just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, if there was such a thing as a Sasquatch, I don't know if it was cool. | ||
| I'd just be like, there's a new monkey. | ||
| I don't think it's... | ||
| Nah, be cooler than that. | ||
| Be way cooler than that. | ||
| What if it talked like a samurai? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it talked like a samurai. | |
| Alright, one more time. | ||
| When can people watch it? | ||
| What network? | ||
| Discovery Channel. | ||
| Discovery Channel. | ||
| Science Channel. | ||
| Wednesdays, Fridays. | ||
| Wednesdays and Fridays at what time? | ||
| Usually 10. Real Les Stroud on Twitter. | ||
| Real Les Stroud on Instagram. | ||
| Facebook. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Facebook. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| This was fun. | ||
| Very impromptu. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But we did it. | ||
| At work, grab you from the comedy store. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Good night, everybody. |
Export Selection