Feb. 16, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:28:06
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Fred Fresh off of Ari Shaffir's Comedy Central show, This Is Not Happening. | ||
| It's Miss Pat again. | ||
| Welcome back. | ||
| Thank you for having me back. | ||
| Thanks for coming back again. | ||
| And I'm sorry to hear that a bunch of people were fucking with you online the last time that you were on here. | ||
| A bunch of people have contacted you. | ||
| You made the crucial mistake of paying attention though. | ||
| Can't pay attention to those people. | ||
| Well, you know, I used to fight back in the day, so if you say something about me, I'm like, well, meet me at the gay coffee shop so I can whoop your ass. | ||
| The gay coffee shop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the gay coffee shop? | ||
| Starbucks. | ||
| Why is Starbucks the gay coffee shop? | ||
| Because usually all the white dudes got on Dockers and shit. | ||
| Dockers are gay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't date guys in Dockers, do you? | ||
| Well, I don't date guys. | ||
| But if I did, I probably wouldn't have a problem with Dockers. | ||
| Well, I'm used to jeans. | ||
| You know, bagging jeans. | ||
| I'm black, okay? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What are Dockers exactly? | ||
| Like a type of pants? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was thinking of them as shoes. | ||
| I think of them as like boat shoes. | ||
| Yeah, they keep the big wallet in their back pocket. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And that's not good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I'm just saying. | ||
| I don't date those types of guys. | ||
| Do you date types of dudes who have their pants sagging? | ||
| Nah, I've been married for 23 years. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I mean, if you did. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You wouldn't do that? | ||
| Is that gay too? | ||
| Yeah, that's gay too. | ||
| And raggedy looking. | ||
| And very inappropriate. | ||
| I mean, if something break out, you can't run, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a confusing thing to me, that that pants sagging thing has lasted so long. | ||
| I'm so confused about that. | ||
| No, what's confusing to me is that the young girls think it's cute. | ||
| Do they think it's cute? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, my niece lives with me, and she love them. | ||
| They gotta have their pants sagging. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The farther down, the cuter they look. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They get excited by that. | ||
| My niece do. | ||
| To me, that represents you don't have a job, and you stupid, and you look crazy, and you's an asshole. | ||
| I got a son, and he's 28, and I was like, don't fucking let your pants sag, son. | ||
| You can barely get by now. | ||
| Pull your fucking pants up. | ||
| But he's not bad with it. | ||
| He's not bad with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like medium? | |
| Yeah, well, he's kind of fat, so he ain't got no ass. | ||
| So his pants just kind of sag on their own. | ||
| He ain't trying to be cool. | ||
| That's how Joey Diaz is. | ||
| Joey Diaz's pants are always falling down. | ||
| So much so, at one point in time, he started wearing suspenders. | ||
| Yeah, so sometimes I think my son might need them. | ||
| Joey, I didn't say that shit. | ||
| He did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| He was wearing fucking suspenders. | ||
| Look what I got, dog. | ||
| I'm done with this fucking pants falling out bullshit. | ||
| So he started wearing, but he didn't last. | ||
| He didn't last with suspenders. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He didn't want to accept the fact that he was a dude that wore suspenders. | ||
| You know, that's a very particular type of dude that wears suspenders. | ||
| Yeah, old guys who golf. | ||
| Who golf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got a bunch of categories. | ||
| Gay coffee shop. | ||
| It's because there's white dudes in Dockers. | ||
| Old guys who golf, that's who wear suspenders. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Unemployed black men make the best sex. | ||
| Yeah, you said they have the most delicious dick. | ||
| I didn't say delicious. | ||
| That's what you said. | ||
| Well, you're delicious. | ||
| That is what you said. | ||
| That's exactly what you said. | ||
| There's a difference between when a person is employed and unemployed, how good the sex is. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think a person who has a 9 to 5 don't have time to really throw you against the wall at night because he got to go to work in the morning versus a dude who don't do shit during the day who can watch Jerry Springer with you and y'all can just practice on getting better and better and better. | ||
| So, dudes who work too much don't have the energy to fuck correctly? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Don't you think so about a woman who fuck a lot? | ||
| Well, yeah, I would imagine that women that work all day are exhausted. | ||
| But I think anybody who works all day is fucking exhausted. | ||
| Exactly, that's why I say unemployed dick is the best dick. | ||
| You got a point, I guess. | ||
| I know what I'm talking about because I've had both. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| I've had both. | ||
| It does make sense. | ||
| Well, you can only put so much time into one thing, you know, like without, you know, if you want to have another side thing that you do. | ||
| I mean, that's what sex really is if you really stop and look at it. | ||
| I mean, it's something else. | ||
| It's an activity. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You can't really get good at that activity if you're working 12 hours a day. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Anything, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's like being a comedian with a job. | ||
| You're never going to succeed until you quit your job. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Yeah, like everything else. | ||
| Fighters have that same issue. | ||
| Athletes of all sports. | ||
| If you're trying to work a day job and then do something else at night, it's much more difficult to do. | ||
| It is. | ||
| You don't have all of the energy that you really need to put into it. | ||
| Into slinging that good dick. | ||
| You need to take a long nap and eat at a leisurely pace. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Relax and then think about how you're going to sling it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't have the dick. | ||
| I'm just saying from experiences, I know. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| But if you have met an unemployed dude and you're like, oh, he's unemployed. | ||
| I bet he's slinging some good dick. | ||
| But he's wearing Dockers. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a deal breaker. | ||
| It might be a deal breaker, Joe. | ||
| It might be a deal breaker because I don't know too many brothers that walk around in dockers. | ||
| Dudes don't give a fuck what girls wear. | ||
| Girls can wear flip flops. | ||
| You can wear dockers. | ||
| If you're hot, you're hot. | ||
| A girl with big tits and dockers, you're like, yeah, all right, whatever. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| And especially once you get married and been with somebody for a long time, they really don't care. | ||
| Then they really don't care. | ||
| I think as the... | ||
| I've been married for 20-something years and I don't care. | ||
| My underwear hasn't matched since middle school. | ||
| What do you mean your underwear hasn't matched your bra? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Match. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Bra. | ||
| Bottom. | ||
| Guys don't give a fuck about that. | ||
| I mean, do you really care if a woman would come to bed with matching underwear? | ||
| Some women really get into that. | ||
| I'm like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| If the pendant's got a seat, I'm cool. | ||
| I keep my shit till the seat fall out. | ||
| If a dude cares about that, there's probably some other issues going on for guys like that specific. | ||
| He wants to wear them. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| He wants to wear them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's one of those guys. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never had a dude that would have on my panties. | ||
| Usually I'm bigger than my men, so they can't wear my panties any damn way. | ||
| If they put on my panties, it's going to be like a jumpsuit. | ||
| What would you do if you came home and a dude was trying on your panties? | ||
| If you came home early and a dude had your shoes on and your pants and he was putting your panties on and... | ||
| I will probably slap the shit out of him. | ||
| But what if he's like, Ms. Pat, like, you gotta understand, like, it's not that I'm not a man. | ||
| If he's my man, oh, I will beat the shit out of him. | ||
| But what if he's like, Ms. Pat, it's not that I'm not a man, it's just this excites me. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm excited by you. | ||
| No, motherfucker, not with my panties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get your nasty dick out of my panties, I kill you. | |
| What if he orders his own? | ||
| We say, okay, okay, okay, okay, but are you cool with me ordering my own? | ||
| I'm going to order a pair that fits me. | ||
| No, that's like dating a dude with long hair. | ||
| You ever seen a dude who hair is better than his girlfriend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's some bullshit. | ||
| I'm not dating a guy with better hair than me. | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| You're not putting no fucking ball dust in my panties. | ||
| But what if he gets his own panties? | ||
| He gets his own. | ||
| Don't you think a dude who wants women panties are gay? | ||
| I try to be open-minded. | ||
| I try to be open-minded too. | ||
| Shit, I am open-minded. | ||
| Get your ass out of here. | ||
| There's a lot of men who even go through sex changes that still like women. | ||
| They become lesbians. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| You know my daughter is gay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So a lot of her girlfriends are getting their, well not girlfriends, a lot of her gay colleagues, I don't know what she call them. | ||
| Colleagues? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't fucking know what she call them. | ||
| The ones they hang out with. | ||
| They're getting their breasts cut off, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And some of them getting their vagina, their clitoris or clitoris, you know the little shit down there, the man in the boat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Stretch longer so it can be a penis. | ||
| And my daughter just tell me this shit because I be nosy. | ||
| I was like, why is your friend getting their titties cut off? | ||
| So she tell me how they're trying to form them a penis. | ||
| But I'm like, isn't it little? | ||
| So what's the purpose of doing it to your vagina or making your thing longer when you still got to use a dildo? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Because I don't give a fuck who you are. | ||
| You don't want no small penis. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I know that your dick, or your clit rather, becomes larger if they take testosterone. | ||
| Like when you give a woman testosterone, that's always that thing that men freak out. | ||
| If they date a female bodybuilder, they have a clit like a thumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| It's not like a dick, but it's like a thumb. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Is it hard? | ||
| I think it gets pretty hard. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't really say. | ||
| I've never really been down there. | ||
| But I've seen pictures online, and it looks like a tiny dick. | ||
| Like a thumb-sized dick. | ||
| What would you do if you were about to touch somebody down there, and they should feel like a tiny dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you choke the shit out of them and ask them to tell me about that? | |
| I would ask them if you're going to tell me about that. | ||
| Like, what's going on down there? | ||
| So you'd be that calm? | ||
| You wouldn't jump up and say, hey, is that a penis or something I need to look out for? | ||
| I would be upset if it was a guy that was dressing up like a woman and didn't let me know. | ||
| I'd be upset. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| That's rude? | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| That's beyond rude. | ||
| You go in there and eat the vagina and that thing slip in your mouth. | ||
| It's a dick. | ||
| But it depends. | ||
| Is it an oversized clit or is it a dick? | ||
| If it's a dick, if you've got a Y chromosome, if you're a dude and you're trying to pretend that you're a woman and you're not letting anybody know that you're actually a dude, that's rude. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| He called it rude. | ||
| But if you're a woman and you just have a weird clit, like some people have weird fingers, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some people have long noses. | ||
| Some people have crazy long noses, right? | ||
| Somebody's got to have a long clit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| My clit is... | ||
| I don't know about my clit. | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Your clit. | ||
| Whatever's down there, I don't really fucking know. | ||
| Yeah, I was on this TV show once and I had this friend who I was working with and her boyfriend At the time before she met him had this issue. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I told you put that fucking thing down. | ||
| You're messing around with your goddamn phone. | ||
| Oh, that's ours I told you I'm doing it right okay Tell me about your friend she was telling me that her boyfriend had went on a date with this lady and They got home. | ||
| They started fooling around. | ||
| He took her pants off and she had a clit like a pinky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he freaked the fuck out. | |
| That's pretty long. | ||
| He came up with some story. | ||
| He said, oh my god, I realize I have to pick my brother up at the airport. | ||
| Just ran out the door. | ||
| Can you imagine a click like a pinky? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A click. | |
| That bitch, when she pulled off her pants, it just fell on the bed. | ||
| Like a soft penis. | ||
| I guess, allegedly. | ||
| I mean, you know, that's what he said, that it was like a pinky. | ||
| But like, who's pinky? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, everybody's pinky. | ||
| Like, is it like Shaquille O'Neal's pinky? | ||
| Oh, that's huge. | ||
| That's a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not a pinky. | ||
| Or is it like Little Lester's pinky? | ||
| You know, it's like everybody's got a different size pinky, so... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The little guy from... | ||
| What's the little movie name? | ||
| The little midget dude would be holding up his pinky? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Mini-me. | ||
| Mini-me. | ||
| Now, you can deal with that clique. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh... | |
| That's pretty small. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's pretty small. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| Because who really knows the size they're supposed to be? | ||
| Like you said, they come in all shapes and sizes. | ||
| But what if you're sucking on it and it comes... | ||
| I don't suck them, but we can call my daughter on three-way and she tells me. | ||
| She seems to love them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Do you guys talk about that? | ||
| You know, my daughter, you know, she don't look gay. | ||
| She's the girl in the relationship. | ||
| But sometimes she forget that everybody ain't gay around her. | ||
| So, like, I bought her a cell phone because she broke her phone. | ||
| So she called me. | ||
| And, you know, I'm very open-minded with my kids because I had them at 14 and 15. So, you know, I grew up. | ||
| They respect me. | ||
| I'm mama. | ||
| But, you know, we kind of open-minded. | ||
| She called me, like, oh, thank you for the phone, mama. | ||
| I could eat you. | ||
| I was like, bitch, I'm your mama, don't say that. | ||
| Oh my goodness, I can eat you. | ||
| But it was like in a joking form, you know. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Because I might call and say, hey, can you get the vagina out your mouth? | ||
| I need to talk to you. | ||
| Because we open-minded like that. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to see her do it. | ||
| I try to block it out, you know. | ||
| Because my daughter looks so much like me. | ||
| And I'd be like, oh, can you please stop kissing these chicks with my face? | ||
| I don't want to imagine what she's doing with my face, but I can guarantee you my face been on a lot of crunchy vaginas. | ||
| Crunchy? | ||
| Why crunchy? | ||
| Because black hair is crunchy down there. | ||
| Oh, I understand. | ||
| You never slept with a black woman? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So you know it's crunchy. | ||
| You remember you did the joke about the lotion. | ||
| No, that wasn't you. | ||
| What lotion joke? | ||
| That wasn't you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm fucking up. | ||
| We're all white dudes. | ||
| We all look the same. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| That's Bill Burr joke. | ||
| Bill Burr had a joke about lotion? | ||
| Dating a black girl and she was putting no cocoa butter. | ||
| I damn near pissed myself. | ||
| Especially when we get ready to have sex because cocoa butter makes our skin so soft. | ||
| So you put the cocoa butter all over you and it makes you extra soft so when you're rubbing on you it just... | ||
| And it really works for fat girls because we've got dimples in our ass so it makes you kind of go over the humps in your ass. | ||
| That's a fat bitch secret. | ||
| You didn't know that? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| You never got drunk and woke up next to a fat chick? | ||
| Not all the cocoa buttered up. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| She was the wrong color. | ||
| She gotta be black to be cocoa buttered up. | ||
| Only black girls use cocoa butter? | ||
| White girls don't use cocoa butter? | ||
| I don't have white girlfriends, so I don't know. | ||
| Do your girls use cocoa butter? | ||
| Black people love cocoa butter. | ||
| What about cocoa butter? | ||
| How did that get a foothold in the black market? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We got to talk to my ancestors, but it's good for removing scars. | ||
| It is? | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| They say when you get pregnant, you're supposed to rub it on your stomach, but I've had four kids and my stomach's still fucked up. | ||
| So I don't stand by that product. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that before. | ||
| I did hear that before, that like cocoa butter for pregnant women reduces the risk of stretch marks, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, this doesn't work? | ||
| No, it didn't work for me. | ||
| See, I talked to a doctor about that, and he said it's all bullshit. | ||
| He said it's completely genetic. | ||
| He said some people, they just stretch out and snap back like a rubber band and nothing happened. | ||
| And other people, they can gain like a girl. | ||
| I dated a girl who gained like 10 pounds, not much, and she had these bear claw marks on her ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was crazy. | |
| It was like she got attacked. | ||
| But it was insane. | ||
| It didn't even make any sense. | ||
| Like, how did your ass get so fucked up from 10 pounds? | ||
| My niece is probably 120 pounds, and she had two kids, so her stomach got really big, but it went completely flat after the baby. | ||
| But her stomach's so fucking wrinkled, and she can't afford no tummy tuck, so she went out and put this gigantic tattoo of a tiger, and where the scratch marks at? | ||
| She just got the tiger scratching herself. | ||
| LAUGHTER I said, bitch, that is a ghetto stomach lift right now. | ||
| Because you have to really get close to know that her stomach is wrinkled. | ||
| Because whoever did the tattoo hooked it up. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Brian Redband shows up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, how's it going? | |
| Hey, fella. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I brought you some nuts. | |
| I don't want nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| This guy, a comedian, makes these really good nuts. | ||
| It's kind of like nature box. | ||
| That's like the next sriracha cashews right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, dude, you need to sell these. | |
| You can make a lot of money. | ||
| Ain't no drugs in the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, there's no drugs, but they're good. | |
| I might be on parole. | ||
| Never, no. | ||
| Don't eat them on the... | ||
| Come through the microphone. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| So do you have a picture of this tattoo? | ||
| No, I don't have a picture of that. | ||
| God, you gotta get a picture of that. | ||
| Yeah, but I was like, why would you do that? | ||
| Why would you put that gigantic... | ||
| Because she's only like a hundred and something pounds. | ||
| And she wear like tank top and is a big ass tiger. | ||
| But whoever did it really hooked it up. | ||
| Because everywhere the scratch malls are with your stomach is fucked up. | ||
| The tiger just scratching the shit out. | ||
| Do you know her still? | ||
| Yeah, I talk to my niece every day. | ||
| Text her. | ||
| Tell her to send a picture. | ||
| I need to see a picture of that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We need a picture of that. | ||
| Let me text her and send me a picture of her tattoo. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds hilarious. | ||
| She's 120 pounds. | ||
| She had kids, got all fucked up and stretched out. | ||
| Her stomach snapped back, but she had stretch marks. | ||
| So she got a tiger tattooed on her stomach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's perfect. | |
| With claws, just ripping apart the stretch marks. | ||
| Hey, think about it. | ||
| It's way cheaper than getting a stomach took. | ||
| Those stomach tucks are brutal, too. | ||
| If you get your skin cut off like that, there's a strong chance of infection. | ||
| People don't think of your skin as an organ, but it's actually an organ. | ||
| Your skin isn't just tissue. | ||
| It's an organ. | ||
| I lose weight. | ||
| I'm going to get my titties lift and my stomach tucked and my neck pulled back. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I mean, I know people have done it. | ||
| It does work. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm just saying it's a serious procedure. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You do know. | ||
| Are you going to lose weight? | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm walking. | ||
| Walking? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| What else you want me to do? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch what you eat. | |
| You got to watch what you eat. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You just poured two fucking buckets of sugar into that fucking coffee. | ||
| Why are you fucking up when I'm trying to stop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, how the fuck am I supposed to drink my coffee? | |
| I've only been doing this shit a little while. | ||
| How long is a little while? | ||
| I started in late December. | ||
| What January? | ||
| Have you lost any weight yet? | ||
| Like 13 pounds. | ||
| You can't tell. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| Listen, that's pretty good. | ||
| 13 pounds, that's actually good to do it slowly like that. | ||
| 13 pounds over a couple months. | ||
| Well, I had a personal trainer, but... | ||
| This dude was wearing me out. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| That's how you get in shape. | ||
| I know, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too much? | |
| When you leave there in your vagina muscles, and you pissing on yourself in the exercise... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were pissing on yourself? | |
| Yes! | ||
| I was like, you just can't lift my legs like that, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And think you just gonna take my shit all the way open like that. | |
| You got my vagina doing shit that I did since the 7th grade. | ||
| Put my goddamn legs down. | ||
| So I quit. | ||
| That does happen to women who've had a bunch of babies, though. | ||
| They have a hard time maintaining their urine. | ||
| If you fucking pulling muscles that you ain't used in a while, of course you gonna piss on yourself. | ||
| But that's the only way to get in shape. | ||
| You gotta push your body. | ||
| I know I'm pushing my body, but I'm like, dude. | ||
| Too much? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just quit. | ||
| You just quit? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How long did you do it for? | ||
| A month. | ||
| You did it for a whole month? | ||
| A whole month. | ||
| And then you just woke up one day and just give me those fucking Doritos. | ||
| I ain't ate no fucking Doritos. | ||
| You don't eat Doritos? | ||
| Yeah, I eat Doritos. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You're confusing me. | ||
| You're sending mixed messages. | ||
| I eat Doritos, but I haven't eaten any Doritos. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Because I'm trying to lose weight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I quit from him because I kept... | ||
| Fucking peeing on myself. | ||
| Not peeing on myself. | ||
| Working, you know. | ||
| I wanted to take a break. | ||
| You were just leaking a little. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe. | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| Why don't you just get some, you know, pants that are designed to keep moisture in? | ||
| It's called a panty liner. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I keep them. | ||
| They like a credit card. | ||
| Credit cards? | ||
| With no limit. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I don't think you buy anything with panty liners. | ||
| No, but... | ||
| You should probably talk to other people that are giving you financial advice. | ||
| It's not going to work out. | ||
| No, panty liners are like Visa cards for women over 40. You don't leave home without them. | ||
| Oh, I understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They're very important. | ||
| You know how you grab your wallet before you walk out of the house? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Most women make sure they have on their panty liner. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most women? | ||
| I don't know, but I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I didn't know that most women, I mean, I know when they're having their period or they suspect. | ||
| No, we use panty liner, honestly, all jokes aside, to keep the seat of your panties from looking different colors, I think. | ||
| Oh, to keep it from staining. | ||
| Yes, but I don't give a fuck about the bottom of my panties. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No! | ||
| That's what it's down for, the cat shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cat shit. | |
| It's like an awful net. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a click eyelash. | |
| Click eyelash. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You're so fun, Joe. | ||
| You know, I gotta tell you, I used to be scared of you, right? | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You got that tough persona. | ||
| And see, I know you do that MFC shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
MFC? My freak hands? | |
| No, what a shit you be doing. | ||
| You know, the karate shit you be doing, knocking people the fuck out. | ||
| And so, I was kind of a little intimidating. | ||
| You walk around, your chest all big and shit, you know, nice chest, nice bodies. | ||
| You look tough. | ||
| I was like, oh, I'm scared of this dude. | ||
| Then I get in here the first time, I was like, he's cool as fuck. | ||
| I wanted to kiss you the first time I was still. | ||
| You can kiss me. | ||
| No, not today. | ||
| Not today? | ||
| Back then you wanted to kiss me with too many panty liner talk. | ||
| It's too fucked up. | ||
| Did she send you the picture of the tiger tattoo? | ||
| No, I'm trying to get her. | ||
| I just got to her phone number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is the deal with panty liners? | |
| Because I've never seen them on a girl before, and then recently this young girl had them, and she's like, oh no, I wear them every day. | ||
| Everybody, keep you fresh down there. | ||
| They come with deodorized, you know. | ||
| Deodorizer? | ||
| Yes, deodorizer. | ||
| It's like a Febreze in your underwear. | ||
| Some girls' panties smell good, like their pussy smells good. | ||
| That's what you think. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know the trick behind getting them panties to smell like that. | ||
| Getting their vagina smell good? | ||
| All vagina got an odor. | ||
| Do you agree? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All? | |
| I don't... | ||
| There's a very limited study group. | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, how many... | ||
| Look, there's fucking 7 billion people on the planet. | ||
| 3.9 billion women. | ||
| Uh-uh, don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that with me. | ||
| I'm telling you about real pussy. | ||
| I'm not talking about what you read. | ||
| Real pussy. | ||
| Real pussy. | ||
| Yeah, real pussy. | ||
| Real pussy. | ||
| Well, yeah, I'm sure it comes in an odor, but not a bad odor. | ||
| No, no, it's just a natural odor. | ||
| Natural odor. | ||
| You know how the ocean smells when you stick your nose to one of those seashells? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fishy? | |
| Fishy. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I have a vagina got odor. | ||
| I mean, an odor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No matter how much you watch it. | ||
| Wood smells. | ||
| Wood has a smell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coffee has a smell. | ||
| You're not talking about a stench. | ||
| No, if it's a stench, it's an indication that there's something wrong with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what's fucked up about yeast infections? | ||
| A lot of yeast infections, not all of them, obviously, they come from a girl having sex with more than one guy. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| What a weird thing. | ||
| If you have sex with one guy, that guy's cum in your vagina is okay. | ||
| But if two different guys cum gets in your vagina, it becomes a yeast infection. | ||
| I don't know about that now, but they're dangerous. | ||
| They hurt. | ||
| They hurt. | ||
| I used to have a friend. | ||
| I still talk to him. | ||
| You mean yeast infections hurt? | ||
| Yeah, they itch like a motherfucker. | ||
| It's like crabs. | ||
| You ever had crabs? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You've had them? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they bite. | ||
| They bite, I'm sure. | ||
| But with a yeast infection, it's on the inside, so you got to try to rub it. | ||
| If it gets really bad, you could really probably scratch the skin off the inside if you don't go get it treated. | ||
| You know, that's the funny thing that people are not worried about saving. | ||
| There's an organism that no one worries about saving is crabs. | ||
| Because crabs are on the verge of extinction because people are shaving their pubic hairs. | ||
| That's a real issue today. | ||
| There's very few crabs left in the world, in the wild. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| No, but it used to be... | ||
| No, I'm serious. | ||
| It used to be a big thing. | ||
| Like back in the 70s, fucking everybody had crabs. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they all had goddamn shrubbery growing in their underwear. | ||
| They had huge bushes. | ||
| Nobody trimmed their pussy. | ||
| Nobody trimmed their dick. | ||
| It was just a chaos down there. | ||
| So two people would have sex, and it would be like two jungles mingling. | ||
| Well, somebody had to put the crabs there. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Somebody had to go get the crabs and put them there for them to mingle in the jungle. | ||
| They just didn't go and say, hey, this is my dick today and jump on it. | ||
| Well, that's the case with every disease. | ||
| Every disease had to start with one person, right? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| And a lot of them start with wildlife. | ||
| And a lot of them start with, like today's diseases, big, big portion of today's disease started with agriculture. | ||
| Like a lot of chickens, diseases come from livestock, a lot of diseases come from pigs, swine flu, famous flu. | ||
| I'm talking about venereal disease. | ||
| Well, I mean any disease. | ||
| Any disease. | ||
| Diseases, I mean, it's all really the same thing if you think about it. | ||
| They all have to start with a person. | ||
| The difference between venereal disease is sexually transmitted. | ||
| But you could transmit venereal diseases through blood, too, if you figured out a way to get someone's blood inside of you. | ||
| It's just whatever the disease is, getting it from one person to one person, it had to have an original host. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's fucked up, right? | ||
| A lot of them come from, like, when you see factory farms, like livestock farms and bird farms, that's where a lot of diseases come from. | ||
| They morph because there's a giant population of animals living in their own shit. | ||
| So what make you think crabs is on the verge of extinction? | ||
| There's articles written about it. | ||
| The instances of genital crabs have drastically reduced since the implementation of pornographic visual vagina trimming and penis trimming. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, because people shave their pussies and dicks. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| Not you. | ||
| Let it wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Mine's got an Afro pic in it. | ||
| I like to see you laugh. | ||
| I mean, to me, shaving your vagina is for young girls. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| At a certain point in time, it's over. | ||
| Well, I do, but I don't do it at my house because I don't want to clean it up. | ||
| So I wait till I'm at a hotel on the road. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So when you're on the road, then you start burning down the house? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit is hard. | ||
| You know, I got black hair. | ||
| That shit curl up on your walls. | ||
| It's hard to get up on your walls. | ||
| I don't see the jerry curls stuck on a wall before. | ||
| I have not seen jerry curls stuck on a wall. | ||
| Well, I mean, you know, go out and, you know, I'm serious. | ||
| The shit sticks to the wall. | ||
| So I wait till I'm on the road and let somebody else clean it up. | ||
| So when you're on the road, though, you do trim it up? | ||
| Every now and then. | ||
| You got a text. | ||
| Is that the picture? | ||
| I'm trying to see. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did she send it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| She work at night. | ||
| Alright, put that phone down. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Flip that shit over. | ||
| Flip it over, too? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She's got one of those things. | ||
| She can't help it. | ||
| She's got Neil Brennan disease. | ||
| You start fucking with your phone every five seconds. | ||
| So do you shave your wiener? | ||
| Well, my dick doesn't get hairy, but the lid does. | ||
| I said wiener, he said dick. | ||
| The top does. | ||
| Oh, the top? | ||
| Yeah, I shave my balls above the dick, but the dick itself does not do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not around the trunk of it? | |
| It doesn't get that at all. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I get a couple raggedy hairs, but it's really the top area that you have to be concerned with. | ||
| Well, I'm over 40, so hair is good when you're over 40 because when the wind go between your legs, you warm. | ||
| The wind goes between your legs. | ||
| Well, wind don't go between my legs and my thighs is together, but I'm just saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It whistles. | |
| So when you get to any sort of a windy intersection, you're more protected because of your vagina. | ||
| Well, I live in the Midwest, so you shouldn't shave it to keep it warm down there. | ||
| I see. | ||
| Well, girls would always say that they would put on their winter 20. Is that what it's called? | ||
| Girls would put on weight for the winter. | ||
| I'm like, you're just fucking lazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even know what the fuck to say. | |
| I never heard that before. | ||
| The winter 20? | ||
| You never heard that? | ||
| No, I never heard that. | ||
| Some gals like to get real thin in the summer so they look sexy and wear little cute outfits. | ||
| And then the winter comes along and they go, all right, it's time to fatten up for the fucking snow. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You've never heard that before? | ||
| I wish I could get thin for the summer. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| So, when you say you're working on it, though, like... | ||
| I walk every day, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I do a little weights and a little bicycle. | ||
| I'm doing about an hour and a half a day, about five days a week when I'm home. | ||
| I went this morning. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What'd you do this morning? | ||
| I walked for 45 minutes and rode the bike for 20 and I did 20 jumping jacks. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's good stuff. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Do you watch what you eat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch it go right in your mouth. | ||
| I ate strawberries and an omelet this morning. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| So you're eating healthy. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| It's hard when you're on the road and you get lonely and you get a bucket of ice cream and call your husband and he don't answer. | ||
| The ice cream. | ||
| I don't eat ice cream. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| So what are you saying? | ||
| I just like food. | ||
| I mean, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who doesn't? | |
| Food's great. | ||
| I mean, when I'm by myself, and I can afford more, so I go out to fancy a restaurant because I don't have my fucking kids there in my ear. | ||
| You know, I don't have to say, hey, if I'm gonna buy this steak for me, I gotta buy you one, too. | ||
| I'm by my fucking self, so I go out and I splurge. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I got a bad habit of spending. | ||
| A bad habit of spending? | ||
| Yeah, I like to do shit, you know, like... | ||
| Go eat and shopping. | ||
| I get bored. | ||
| You mean when you're on the road? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Home too. | ||
| How often are you home too? | ||
| I'm on the road about three times a month. | ||
| Three weekends a month. | ||
| Three weekends a month? | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot. | ||
| You live in Indianapolis, right? | ||
| Indianapolis. | ||
| Do you work out in Indianapolis? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Your material, that's where you do your stuff? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I drive down to Kentucky, too, because the people who owns Morty's, they also own the club in Kentucky. | ||
| How far does that drive? | ||
| Hour and a half. | ||
| Oh, that's not bad. | ||
| I didn't know that Indianapolis was only an hour and a half from Kentucky. | ||
| Louisville. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Indianapolis and Louisville are only an hour and a half away. | ||
| Yeah, he just left there. | ||
| Who was you with? | ||
| Tiffany and who else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tiffany Idish and Tony Hinchcliffe, I think. | |
| No, it was Delray. | ||
| Yeah, it was him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dean Delray. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's why I work on my material. | ||
| That's nice, though, that you're working three weekends a month. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| It's getting better. | ||
| You know, the podcast world has really been supportive. | ||
| I went to Chicago after I did yours, and all of these fit fuckers from a gym came out. | ||
| I was like, holy fuck. | ||
| I can tell the different people from the different podcasts. | ||
| Your people are always in fucking shape. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just so motivated. | ||
| They'd be like, oh, Miss Pat, you can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, go fuck yourself and get off my page. | |
| So they're trying to give you help? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the fans are pretty. | ||
| The ones who stay with me, you know, those are the ones that really like you. | ||
| Fuck everybody else. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Well, I guarantee you we can get you a trainer in Indianapolis that won't make you pee yourself. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For free? | ||
| We'll find somebody. | ||
| For free? | ||
| Why has everything got to be free? | ||
| Don't you make money? | ||
| I'm a Democrat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For free? | |
| For free? | ||
| You said it like three times. | ||
| For free? | ||
| Why for free? | ||
| You just said you work. | ||
| I do work. | ||
| You said you work three weekends a month. | ||
| Oh, how expensive can they be? | ||
| They cost money. | ||
| You're headlining. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're doing well. | |
| I know you're doing well. | ||
| I hear. | ||
| I hear things. | ||
| What the fuck you hear that I hear? | ||
| I hear you're doing well. | ||
| I hear you're selling tickets. | ||
| I hear people coming to see you. | ||
| They love you. | ||
| People are coming to see me. | ||
| Thank you so very much. | ||
| They love you. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Can't you just say, hey, y'all sponsor me, it's Pat, and I'll give you a shout-out on my show. | ||
| Why my show? | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Give them a shout-out on Twitter. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I'll give you a shout-out if you want to train me, and I don't have to pee on myself. | ||
| Just two months. | ||
| You come to my house. | ||
| If someone can prove to you that they can get you in shape, will you start paying them then? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Then you'll pay them. | ||
| The last guy was getting me in shape. | ||
| And you were paying him? | ||
| Yeah, the thing is, you gotta knock on my door and make me come out. | ||
| You gotta knock on your door? | ||
| You gotta wake you up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Does he have to feed you? | ||
| Does he have to put your shoes on? | ||
| I'm working on it, okay, Joe? | ||
| Goddamn, you sound like a stepdaddy. | ||
| Well, I'm just trying to find out where your line is. | ||
| I'm trying to find out where your line is. | ||
| I'm a little lazy, but I'm working on it. | ||
| So someone just has to kind of get you to do it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I get started, and then I don't see no results. | ||
| Like, I have a problem where I would get on the scale every fucking day. | ||
| And he was like, stay the fuck off that scale. | ||
| Because, you know, you drink water, that's water weight. | ||
| And I was like, I spent all this fucking time at the gym, and I didn't lose shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you can't just lose weight instantaneously. | |
| I mean, I know, but I'm an ex-drug dealer, so everything was fast in my life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I like shit to be fast in my life. | ||
| Right, but it wasn't fast to get big. | ||
| You gotta get well the same way you got sick. | ||
| Really, I think I woke up like this. | ||
| I don't remember gaining no hundred and some pounds during my marriage. | ||
| We used to have a lot of sex and eat Taco Bell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And 10 years later, we woke up fat. | |
| I don't remember ever changing panty sizes. | ||
| One day, I just went from 16 to in my 20s. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| What's a 16? | ||
| Is that large? | ||
| What's a size 16 panties? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what that means. | |
| Enormous size. | ||
| But I don't know what that means. | ||
| Like, what size person would that be? | ||
| 100 pounds? | ||
| 120 pounds? | ||
| For me, a 16 is about 175. Well, you were weighing 175. When I met my husband. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line... | ||
| And he was straight out of the military, so he wasn't fat either. | ||
| You know, I told you my husband was a vegan, and he lost all that weight? | ||
| He gained it all back. | ||
| He gained it all back? | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| He don't eat meat, he just went on a cookie diet. | ||
| A cookie diet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A cookie diet. | |
| When did this happen? | ||
| He came about 60 pounds back. | ||
| And since the last time you were here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| That's fucking unhealthy. | ||
| I keep telling him. | ||
| You can't keep having your titties go up and down like that. | ||
| You're going to have a heart attack. | ||
| Yeah, the heart attack is the real concern. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Not the titties. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The titties are going to get wrecked, for sure. | ||
| You lose and gain that much weight. | ||
| Your body doesn't know what the fuck to do with your skin. | ||
| So now he's back in the gym. | ||
| Yeah, well, you can't gain... | ||
| That's a scary thing. | ||
| You know what happened? | ||
| I'll tell you what happened. | ||
| He went... | ||
| His gout flared up. | ||
| So when his gout flare up, he can't do shit. | ||
| You never had gout. | ||
| I have a friend who has that. | ||
| Oh, that is some painful shit. | ||
| My husband can't do shit. | ||
| His toe just be... | ||
| It looked like it fucking talking to you. | ||
| It just red. | ||
| Did you take medication for it? | ||
| Well, it's his diet. | ||
| It's his diet. | ||
| What about the diet? | ||
| You know, they say gout used to say it was like a king's disease. | ||
| It used to affect a lot of, like, royal people back in the day because they drank a lot of wine. | ||
| That man overseas, what's his name? | ||
| Kung Jun Woo? | ||
| Kim Jong Il? | ||
| Yeah, him. | ||
| He got gout. | ||
| The new one, Kim Jong Un. | ||
| Yeah, the son. | ||
| Yeah, he does gout. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they say. | ||
| It's associated with people that are overweight, but it's also associated with specific diets, like diets that are rich in certain foods. | ||
| I forget what it is, but I know wine has something to do with it. | ||
| You don't drink wine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the symptoms? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You get like... | ||
| Joint pain? | ||
| My friend who has it, he gets really painful heels, like his feet swell up. | ||
| And it goes anywhere. | ||
| My husband has it only in his left toe. | ||
| In his left toe only? | ||
| Yep, that's the only place it's flare up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| My father-in-law just passed in November and he had it all over his body. | ||
| He had it in his arms, his hands, like my mother-in-law got it in her arms. | ||
| But everybody in my husband's family got it. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Okay, here's what it says. | ||
| There are a number of factors, risk factors for gout. | ||
| The more risk factors a person has, the greater risk of developing gout. | ||
| When examining a patient, take the following risk factors into consideration to ensure a proper diagnosis. | ||
| Hyperuricemia, classified as a uric acid. | ||
| Yeah, uric acid. | ||
| That's one of the things that has to do, that for some reason or another has to do with diet, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Family history, age, gender, gout affects men more than women, ethnicity, the instances of gouty arthritis and comorbid conditions varies by ethnicity. | ||
| In the U.S., Hispanics and African Americans who have features of metabolic syndrome are more likely to develop gout, obesity... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What are you putting that up for? | ||
| I got a trainer! | ||
| What? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The trainer from his back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Give some trainer. | ||
| I'll pay you. | ||
| You don't even know that guy sucks. | ||
| It could not even be a real trainer. | ||
| What if I get there and he... | ||
| I had one trainer. | ||
| He was fat. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| I know! | ||
| And he wore a weight belt to like a girdle. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not going to keep paying your fat ass. | ||
| Crystals. | ||
| This is the other thing. | ||
| It forms crystals. | ||
| And that's why it hurts so bad. | ||
| That's why it hurts so bad. | ||
| My husband say it feels like somebody is just fucking got fire to your skin. | ||
| Alcohol consumption, especially beer. | ||
| Stop drinking beer. | ||
| It says purine. | ||
| That's not even the dog food. | ||
| Purina. | ||
| Purine rich foods, especially red meat and shellfish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| High fructose laden foods, like high fructose corn syrup. | ||
| Crash diets. | ||
| Crash diets. | ||
| I'm going to tell him that. | ||
| Including high protein fat diets. | ||
| Starting uric acid lowering therapy without anti-inflammatory coverage. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Bed rest, often post-operative. | ||
| All those things trigger. | ||
| Nothing can stop the pain? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Like Tylenol? | ||
| No. | ||
| They can't give you anything. | ||
| They'll give you something to try to calm it down, but nothing. | ||
| Like, if my husband get it, what do he drink? | ||
| He drinks something to make his calm down. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Organic... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Organic cranberry juice. | ||
| Organic cranberry juice. | ||
| 100% cranberry juice calms it down. | ||
| Yeah, most cranberry juice is like cranberry juice cocktail, which is like very sugar. | ||
| Not a cocktail, because the one he buys is like $9. | ||
| Like $7 or $8 at Kroger, down at Organica. | ||
| And that helps? | ||
| Yes, and he drinks it every day. | ||
| Probably tastes like shit, right? | ||
| Probably tastes like shit. | ||
| It's very tart. | ||
| It's tart. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's tart cranberry juice. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Well, cranberry juice cocktail. | ||
| Most people think they're drinking cranberry juice. | ||
| No, that's bullshit. | ||
| You're drinking a lot of sugar. | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
| But my husband drank the tart. | ||
| And he drinks it at least once a week to keep the flare-ups. | ||
| He can tell now when they're about to flare up and he get on his cranberry juice and it'll go away. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Doesn't that hurt with women who have urinary tract infections as well? | ||
| Yeah, that shit feel like gonorrhea. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| You know what gonorrhea feels like? | ||
| I know what a lot of shit feels like. | ||
| I ain't always had healthcare. | ||
| But urinary tract infections, that's one thing that women who take cranberry juice, they do that to fix that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, to cleanse your vagina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| You want to keep it down. | ||
| Because if you get, like, if it get really bad and you go to piss, you could run out the bathroom. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That shit hurt. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it hurt? | ||
| Because it's inflamed? | ||
| Because it's burning. | ||
| It's like if you took your wiener out, let me stick a lighter tube. | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| Oh, I was just trying to demonstrate the pain. | ||
| But why call a wiener? | ||
| With dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what hurt. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Wiener style, like a kid. | ||
| Wieners are sad. | ||
| Wiener is sexy to me. | ||
| Wiener is sexy to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If your husband's like, listen, baby, I'm going to sling my wiener your way. | ||
| Well, my husband don't allow me to talk in the bedroom because my voice is deep. | ||
| He doesn't allow you to talk in the bedroom. | ||
| He's like, fucking clear your throat. | ||
| He tells you not to talk in the bedroom. | ||
| Listen, we're going to walk through the threshold of silence. | ||
| Where we do our fucking... | ||
| One time he said, Shut up! | ||
| You're fucking up my concentration with your voice! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| What were you saying? | ||
| Oh, fuck me. | ||
| Fuck me. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Harder, motherfucker. | ||
| You know the shit that make you feel like you're young when you're having sex. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that deep talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Deep talk. | ||
| He don't like my... | ||
| He said when I lay down and my boobs go up out of my neck, I really sound like a man. | ||
| Like, I call... | ||
| Why are you looking at me like that, Joe? | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| You know, I'm fat, so my titties are going to roll up onto my neck if I'm laying down. | ||
| Do they ever cover your eyes? | ||
| They probably could. | ||
| Like, one time I woke up and I thought my husband was choking me, but it was my titties up onto my neck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Your titties were under your neck so heavy that you thought your husband was choking you? | ||
| Yeah, I thought he kind of had his hand around my neck. | ||
| And then I woke up and I wasn't choking, but you know how you feel something on you when you sleep? | ||
| So that also affects the way you talk. | ||
| So you guys have deals? | ||
| Yeah, I don't talk in a bedroom. | ||
| Do you have any deals for him like he can't talk anywhere else? | ||
| Like you should have a room where he's gotta shut the fuck up. | ||
| You can't just have a room where only he gets to talk. | ||
| Well, he don't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| You should give him a room, but you gotta get a room too. | ||
| Well, I'm working on getting a bedroom so I don't have to watch the bullshit ass TV that he watch. | ||
| Oh, so you're working on getting a separate bedroom. | ||
| Yeah, I have one. | ||
| My niece is just sitting there. | ||
| I gotta wait till they leave. | ||
| That's the beginning of the end. | ||
| You get separate bedrooms. | ||
| Well, I'm going to go there and watch TV and relax. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I have to sleep with my husband. | ||
| I love my husband, Joe. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| He's my hero. | ||
| You know, most people wait on somebody riding on a white horse. | ||
| He came in on a Nissan and got me out of the ghetto. | ||
| I love my baby. | ||
| He gave a bitch health care. | ||
| He didn't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday. | ||
| No gunnery, no crabs, no baby mama. | ||
| None of that bullshit. | ||
| He sounds like a great guy. | ||
| He is a great guy. | ||
| Except for that old, you can't talk in the bedroom shit. | ||
| I got a deep voice. | ||
| Just make a deal. | ||
| Okay, so then you get this new bedroom, then he's got to shut the fuck up in the new bedroom. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And in the new bedroom, you can just talk all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| You're going to have, you know, Miss Pat's bedroom when she gets to talk? | ||
| Maybe I'm going to get me a vibrator and talk to the vibrator. | ||
| He won't tell me to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Well, you don't have to go that crazy. | ||
| Women love vibrators. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I've never used a vibrator. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never. | ||
| You've never tried one? | ||
| I've been fucking since I was 12. I don't have no problem getting laid. | ||
| I believe that as well. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But did you ever get curious? | ||
| Like, what's he with all the fuss is all about? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| Because you know what they say. | ||
| They say, once you die, you're going to meet God and you're going to flash your life back in your face. | ||
| I don't want to see that vibrator scene when I have to get into heaven. | ||
| I wouldn't worry about it. | ||
| I mean, think about all the other shit you've got in your head. | ||
| Well, I got an excuse for that. | ||
| Choking yourself with your tits. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't want to look at God and say, oh, I needed a nut. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| No, I don't want to do that. | ||
| Well, listen, God's the one who gave you this desire to come. | ||
| Well, I know that. | ||
| I mean, that was just joking. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't like vibrators. | ||
| You don't like them. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you don't know because you haven't tried them, right? | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what my girlfriends say, but I've always had sex with somebody. | ||
| I mean, who's going to suck my titty, Joe? | ||
| Me? | ||
| So you demand certain activities while you're having sex that the vibrator is not capable of fulfilling. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Who am I talking to? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| Makes a lot of sense. | ||
| I mean, I think they're cute. | ||
| You think a vibrator's cute? | ||
| I've seen them in all sizes. | ||
| I hosted a vibrator party one time. | ||
| You hosted a vibrator party? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And at the time, the new one was, it had a suction cup on it. | ||
| So you just stick it to the toilet and you fuck yourself. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And anywhere in the house, it just stick to the wall. | ||
| And it was crazy. | ||
| And women was buying these shit of all sizes, Joe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All like this, like this. | ||
| I had a friend who had a girlfriend who couldn't come without it. | ||
| She got addicted to it. | ||
| That means he wasn't shit. | ||
| He would fuck the shit out of her and then she would give me that thing. | ||
| Hitachis are known for that because they're so powerful that they pretty much make it so it's numb down there that they only have to have that feeling to come now. | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Hitachis are like those really strong ones that you plug into the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And those things just... | |
| Hitachi? | ||
| Is it a massager that girls use as a vibrator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's a famous... | |
| It's one of the oldest massagers. | ||
| It looks kind of like a long ice cream cone or something. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you talking about. | ||
| The one I saw, they was plastered and they just... | ||
| Yeah, those look like dicks. | ||
| Well, the one he's talking about... | ||
| Well, my daughter has a lot of them, too. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The lesbian daughter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My other daughter is 16. I hope she ain't got no vibrator. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| So lesbians will use vibrators and strap-ons and all that shit. | ||
| Yes, but they don't want no dick. | ||
| They don't want no dick. | ||
| No. | ||
| But they want something inside them. | ||
| No, that's why I have a joke. | ||
| That's why I have a joke. | ||
| I was like, why are you gay? | ||
| I mean, if titties is your thing, go out and get a fat boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a Hitachi. | |
| And it's super powerful. | ||
| Like, if you have an arm full blast... | ||
| Well, it's not supposed to... | ||
| You just put on a clit. | ||
| It's not supposed to be for that, though. | ||
| It's supposed to be for your back. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know nothing about that type of sex. | ||
| I'm just straight up and down and go to sleep. | ||
| Straight up and down and then go to sleep. | ||
| And go to sleep, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If someone buys one for you, will you at least try it and report back on it? | |
| No, I would not. | ||
| I'm not doing that bullshit. | ||
| You're not interested? | ||
| I'm a Christian. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Christians don't use vibrators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have Jesus ones. | |
| What if one of them is blessed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to fuck? | |
| I'm not using them vibrators. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Are Christians allowed to masturbate? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not a real Christian. | ||
| I am a Christian. | ||
| I'm a Christian. | ||
| You're not a real Christian, but you are a Christian. | ||
| I'm a Christian. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I believe in God and Jesus. | ||
| I am. | ||
| And I've been baptized 25 times, so of course I'm a Christian. | ||
| 25 times? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why were you baptized 25 times? | ||
| Well, my mama had a scheme in the hood back in the day when all the churches cared about you. | ||
| So if you go to church and you was, like we was poor, so if you had problems with your financial problems, if you had financial problems and you joined the church, the church would write you a check for your finances that month. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a black church. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Well, that's why black churches don't give out money without interviews no more. | ||
| That's why no churches give up money without interviews. | ||
| But that is a beautiful function of a church, though, that they could actually help people with their financial problems. | ||
| Well, it was a lot of churches doing it. | ||
| So how did that work? | ||
| So my mama would take us, it was five of us, and she would take us to get, we would join the church, you know, like, we're really going to come, you know, and they would pay our light bill, our rent, or whatever. | ||
| And so the pastor always wanted to baptize you. | ||
| So my mama had a scheme where she would set these churches up to get us baptized and get help. | ||
| So, you bring the kid in, you say, I want my child to get baptized, I got a lot of financial difficulties. | ||
| Well, you schedule it. | ||
| No, you schedule it. | ||
| She'll go to the church, ask for help, and they always try to talk you into joining because you need members to keep going. | ||
| And my mom's like, yeah, I'll join, get baptized or whatever. | ||
| I don't know how the meeting went down. | ||
| I just showed up for the baptism. | ||
| So you'd show up, they would baptize you, they'd dunk you in the water, and then what happens? | ||
| They give you some money? | ||
| They give my momma the money, food. | ||
| How much money? | ||
| I don't know, I was a kid! | ||
| I didn't even realize this shit wasn't right, was abnormal until I was on my phone with my girlfriend, probably about eight years ago. | ||
| And I'm talking to her, probably about ten years ago, and we was talking about baptism, and I was like, I got baptized 25 times. | ||
| She's like, who the fuck baptized you 25 times? | ||
| I was like, how many times was you baptized? | ||
| She was like, once. | ||
| I was like, why? | ||
| And I was like, that was a fucking scheme. | ||
| Did you ever talk to your mom about that? | ||
| My mom is dead. | ||
| My mom died when she was 39. I was 16 with two kids. | ||
| She had diabetes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's one more reason to try to get healthy, right? | ||
| She wasn't fat. | ||
| She was 98 pounds. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| 98 pounds? | ||
| Never was fat. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She was an alcoholic. | ||
| My mama, I think my mama, they say diabetes when you don't got no healthcare, no insurance. | ||
| They just put whatever pills you were taking that what the motherfucker died of. | ||
| But I think my mama just died of a broken heart. | ||
| She had a rough life. | ||
| She had five kids before she was 23. She was uneducated. | ||
| She was in a very abusive relationship with my daddy. | ||
| I mean, we never had ships. | ||
| We always lived in places where we got evicted because she lived off welfare. | ||
| I mean, she just... | ||
| I mean, I'm not gonna say she never had a chance. | ||
| She just had a bad life. | ||
| Whatever she was... | ||
| It's a cycle. | ||
| So whatever her parents... | ||
| Whatever she saw her parents do, she went on and did it. | ||
| And so did my sister. | ||
| And so did you. | ||
| Oh, I changed my life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you broke the cycle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But did that occur to you while you were young and when you had kids? | ||
| Like, I'm doing the same thing my mom was doing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, my mama would have me at a really young age, like, lighting cigarettes at five or six. | ||
| Lighting her cigarettes? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But I was told in school, probably about six or seven, but we was told in school not to smoke. | ||
| You remember that Joe Kool guy with the cigarettes? | ||
| The camel? | ||
| Camel, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Remember how cool he was? | ||
| But in school, you was taught not to smoke. | ||
| Cigarettes would kill you. | ||
| So that always stuck in my head. | ||
| But my mom would see me in the kitchen to light her cigarettes off the stove. | ||
| And she was like, make sure you pull it two times. | ||
| And I'm like, bitch, they just told me I'm going to die. | ||
| I didn't say that to her. | ||
| I said that in my head. | ||
| Make sure you pull it. | ||
| She was telling you to inhale? | ||
| Yeah, we had to inhale it to get it going. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| But my sister smoked everything in the book from that shit. | ||
| I ain't in hell. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The reason why she stopped me from doing it, because I would go in there and fucking fry that fucking cigarette. | ||
| And she would slap the shit out of me. | ||
| She smoked Winston's. | ||
| So already that shit is super strong. | ||
| So we'd be like... | ||
| Oh, I'm going to spit on the mic. | ||
| We've been there coughing and shit. | ||
| My sister probably was smoking at eight years old. | ||
| How old were you when she was getting you lighter cigarettes? | ||
| Probably about, well, my sister probably was about eight, so she's two years older than me. | ||
| So you were six years old and she was telling you to take a hit off a cigarette? | ||
| Yes, we did it every day. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| We knew how to pour her gin, and she drank gin and water. | ||
| So we would go back there and make her a drink all the time. | ||
| She would tell you to make her a drink? | ||
| Uh, yes. | ||
| And I used to always say, everything I see you motherfuckers do, I'm never gonna do it. | ||
| I don't smoke her drink. | ||
| And it's, you know, I always said my mama made me think, she did everything unsexy. | ||
| Just like, she wasn't like most moms. | ||
| And she smoked the cigarette, she didn't hold it like, you know how you saw most women hold it. | ||
| She held that bitch like a joint, because she smoked a lot of weed. | ||
| And I said, why you do everything like a man? | ||
| I didn't say that to her, but like, she never drank out of glass. | ||
| She always drunk out of a quart bottle. | ||
| So I was like, she do everything like a fucking man. | ||
| Like, she never told a purse. | ||
| She always told a wallet, a man's wallet in her back pocket. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So everything she did, I was like, I can't do this bullshit. | ||
| Well, she probably, from having so many kids at a young age, she probably wanted to have nothing to do with sexy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Just stay the fuck away from me with all that dick. | ||
| That just gives me trouble. | ||
| I'll just do some repulsive shit. | ||
| Start farting on dudes. | ||
| Well, you know, she had five kids really young. | ||
| Because my daddy was nine years older than her, like eight years older than her, like my kid's father was. | ||
| And I didn't even realize that until one day I was out here putting some shit together. | ||
| And I had my birth certificate. | ||
| And I was like, this motherfucker got my mama young like my baby daddy got me young. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's such a repeating cycle. | ||
| It is a repeating cycle to somebody open their eyes and say, holy shit, we all headed, I'm headed like these people. | ||
| What made you realize and what do you think was like the catalyst to get you to stop? | ||
| When I had my kids. | ||
| You know, I had the first baby at 14. And that's the first time I ever felt like I was loved. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I kept the baby. | ||
| And I got a book deal, so I don't give away all the stories. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons when I gave birth to her, I kept her. | ||
| Because he was married. | ||
| This lady showed up at my door and was like, this is my fucking husband you're pregnant about. | ||
| But to me... | ||
| I was going to finally have somebody in my life that loved me, and I didn't have to worry about betraying me. | ||
| So that's why I kept that baby, because I knew that baby would love me unconditionally. | ||
| Because I never felt like I was loved until, I mean, when I had the baby, I was 14, and I'd given birth by myself. | ||
| He wasn't there. | ||
| He showed up the next day at the hospital with his girlfriend, his new girlfriend. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you, like, consciously felt like you could raise this baby from the time it was little and it would love you? | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't realize the finance attached with it, but yeah, you know, it was almost like a baby doll. | ||
| That's how you kind of looked at it. | ||
| It was a cabbage pad I never got. | ||
| But my cabbage pad, the cabbage pad kids don't eat. | ||
| This motherfucker really ate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I had to go out and get a job. | ||
| You got a book deal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When did you get a book deal? | ||
| When did this happen? | ||
| After I left you. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Well, the writer heard me on Ari Shafir, so she went to an agency and told him to listen to the Rogan podcast. | ||
| And so she listened to the Rogan podcast, and then I did Marin's, and then they listened to him, and then the agent picked me up. | ||
| So I got the agent from you and sealed a deal over with all the podcasters together after I did Marin's. | ||
| And I was shocked too. | ||
| I was like, y'all want to buy this shit? | ||
| So are you going to write it yourself? | ||
| Hell no! | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| I can't even say click. | ||
| Clit. | ||
| Click. | ||
| Clitorious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Clitorious is a Greek Roman clit. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| Clitorious Maximus. | ||
| The lady who found me on our podcast, she's writing it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So you just will tell her the stories? | ||
| I just tell her. | ||
| We've been talking. | ||
| Well, I sold a book right around the last time I was here, after I was here. | ||
| So we're almost done with the first chapter so far. | ||
| So we talk about three, four times a week. | ||
| So does she talk to you on the phone? | ||
| On the phone. | ||
| And then does she record it and transcribe it? | ||
| I'm quite sure she do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I just, I don't fucking know what going to book writing to. | |
| I got a GED. I just tell her the stories. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then she go from there. | ||
| Like, it's kind of funny because, you know, she opened doors in my life that I've had closed so long that there's a lot of pain. | ||
| You know, I only seen this lady a couple of times and I'm just opening these doors. | ||
| So a lot of times we're crying together. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But we also laugh. | ||
| And a lot of time I hang up from her and she'll call me back. | ||
| She's like, are you okay? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm a fucking case. | ||
| It's 30 years ago. | ||
| And I think the reason why emotion is there is because I hadn't had to deal with it all of these years. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when you compress shit, it's okay until a motherfucker cracked that door open. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I did a lot of crying with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, that's the case with a lot of people, and they recall ancient things that happened to them. | ||
| You don't even realize how much it affected you until you start talking about it, and then you start crying, and you realize, wow, that played a major part in fucking me up. | ||
| Yeah, you know, and I'm 42, I mean, I'm 42 years old, and I, you know, I still can remember my mama saying, white people is better than you. | ||
| So for years, Joe, I was scared of white people. | ||
| I never had to deal with, y'all didn't come to my fucking hood. | ||
| I didn't go out looking for y'all. | ||
| So I didn't really have to deal with white people until I moved to Indianapolis in my comedy career, because there was no urban scene. | ||
| Because when I first started comedy, I was on the urban scene. | ||
| So you don't see white people coming to too many urbans, a little small hole in the wall. | ||
| So when I got to... | ||
| Isn't it funny that urban is black? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How the fuck did that happen? | ||
| How did it become urban? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Urban means city. | ||
| Everybody lives in the fucking city. | ||
| I mean, half the world lives in the city. | ||
| Like, how weird is it that urban... | ||
| My people, white people. | ||
| Do you think it's like a euphemism for black? | ||
| They wanted to have a nice way of saying black, so they came up with urban? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Urban crime. | ||
| Urban crime, yeah. | ||
| Inner city. | ||
| So you started doing urban rooms? | ||
| Yeah, when I first started. | ||
| So when my husband's job transferred us to Indianapolis, it was no scene there. | ||
| So I had to go into the mainstream club, which was Morty's and crackers and stuff. | ||
| And I would just, you know, kind of fucking chucking... | ||
| Do what I was doing to one of the managers, Avery. | ||
| Hey, Avery, he love your podcast. | ||
| And I would tell him these stories. | ||
| He's like, you should really talk about your life. | ||
| And when I started to talk about my life, you know, people, they would just come to me. | ||
| Oh, you so funny. | ||
| Get your fucking hands on me. | ||
| I wouldn't say that to them. | ||
| But in my mind, my mind was fucked up because she said, don't white people are better than you. | ||
| Never look them in the eye. | ||
| Well, who fucking said that to you? | ||
| My mother. | ||
| Your mom said white people are better than you. | ||
| Never look them in the eye. | ||
| What did she mean by that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they're better than you. | ||
| They are. | ||
| That's what she said. | ||
| My mama was born in the 40s, so she was a part of that whole civil right movement. | ||
| And you had a lot of people that believed that bullshit, that we are different. | ||
| They were different back then. | ||
| So she taught me white people was better than me. | ||
| Never look you in the eye. | ||
| And until I moved to Indianapolis, I could never look them in the eye. | ||
| And I told my husband this story. | ||
| He was like, we all the fucking same. | ||
| Because, you know, white women are so friendly, so they would run up to me and kiss me. | ||
| Oh, you're so funny. | ||
| But in my mind, I'm like, bitch, you don't get your motherfucking hand out of me. | ||
| I'm going to choke the shit at you. | ||
| You know what's fucked up? | ||
| We don't think about it in perspective, but we are as close to 1940s as the 1940s were to slavery. | ||
| You don't think about it like that, but that's reality. | ||
| Slavery ended in 1875. Think about that. | ||
| Think about 1875 to 1940. You know, it's not that much time. | ||
| It's not that much time. | ||
| 65 years, you know, whatever. | ||
| Plus or minus 10 years. | ||
| Not that much time. | ||
| And then you go from 1940, you know, you're dealing with 70 years to today, 74 years, 75 years from 1940, give or take a few here or there. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's weird when you really think about it. | ||
| Like, that's not that far away where people owned people in this fucking country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And your mother grew up with the echoes, you know, the reverberations of that era and the Civil War. | ||
| I mean, people going to war over that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's fucked up if you really stop and think about it. | ||
| Your mom was as close to goddamn Lincoln being president As we are... | ||
| She was born in 40... | ||
| I think my dad was born in 42 and she was born in 49? | ||
| My dad was born in 30-something. | ||
| My dad was born in the 30s. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| He died when he was almost 70. But she died at 39. She was as close to Lincoln being president as we are to Eisenhower being president, which is fucking weird. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| That's weird to think of. | ||
| We look at history, when you start thinking about slavery, we start thinking about Abraham Lincoln, that seems so long ago. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Impossibly long ago. | ||
| But then when you do the numbers, and you go, wait a minute, oh shit, whoa, 1865, that is not, 1875, that's not that long ago. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| It's not that long ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| It's weird that it's not, but it really isn't. | ||
| It's just the human... | ||
| Like, the toll that that sort of life paid or that had to be paid by people of having slavery and having just rampant racism throughout this country and having two completely different groups of people, white people and black people, and that black people are literally your mother telling you that white people are better than you. | ||
| The toll of that, like, the impact of that. | ||
| Goddamn, that's gonna take a long time to settle the fuck down. | ||
| Well, I mean, I'm getting over it now. | ||
| I realize we're all the same. | ||
| You know better than me. | ||
| You are, but you think a lot, and you're a very smart person. | ||
| You're exposed to a lot of different things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, think about how many people just don't get that message. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| And I took my brother to a show in Lafayette, Indiana. | ||
| I did around Thanksgiving. | ||
| My family came up. | ||
| So I take my brother to them. | ||
| They just think I'm some open mic. | ||
| They don't really know what I do, you know, because I don't see my family a lot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I take my brother to Lafayette, Indiana, and 300-something white people come out. | ||
| All white people. | ||
| We're the only black people. | ||
| And so I said, I don't have that many black people that come out to see me. | ||
| So I told him, I said, I knew there wasn't going to be any black people, so I brought black people with me, my family. | ||
| And so I'm telling these jokes about my life, how we grew up. | ||
| My brother over there crying laughing. | ||
| And so when I finished him, we get in the car. | ||
| He said, rabbit. | ||
| How them crackers let you talk to them like that? | ||
| Rabbit, that's right. | ||
| You forget your street name. | ||
| They don't call me Patricia. | ||
| Your whole family calls you by your crack dealer name. | ||
| I thought it was hilarious. | ||
| That is so nuts. | ||
| I was like, Tony, nobody say crackers anymore, and they're white people, okay? | ||
| Isn't that a club, Crackers? | ||
| Yeah, it's a club, Crackers. | ||
| But that's also white people. | ||
| All filled with white people. | ||
| Crackers and it's filled with white people. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's got to be weird having your brother call you Cracker. | ||
| Or a rabbit, rather. | ||
| Well, you know, I try to stop him, but me and my cousins call me Rabbit. | ||
| Because I don't know. | ||
| Everybody calls me Cracker. | ||
| That's when we're going to name the book Rabbit. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yes, we're going to name the book Rabbit. | ||
| Miss Pat, a.k.a. | ||
| Rabbit? | ||
| I don't know how it's going to go, but I know they decided on Rabbit. | ||
| They think Rabbit got a pop to it. | ||
| Yeah, you should use your real name, the name you use on stage. | ||
| Don't let them use any other name. | ||
| Miss Pat. | ||
| Make sure Miss Pat is in the title somehow or another. | ||
| Otherwise, people won't find it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Thank you for telling me. | ||
| You hear that, HarperCollins? | ||
| Because they're listening to you. | ||
| Don't get stupid, HarperCollins. | ||
| Don't get creative, you weird white people. | ||
| Leave her alone. | ||
| They just think it's cool. | ||
| They just want to be able to call you rabbit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rabbit, the story of Miss Pat. | |
| I don't fucking like the name Rabbit. | ||
| I don't like the name. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| If you call me Rabbit, then you know me. | ||
| You know, if you call me Miss Pat, then you a fan. | ||
| I go home, I'm Pat. | ||
| But if you call me Rabbit, you know my fucking path. | ||
| And it creeps me out. | ||
| I was like, don't fucking call me Rabbit. | ||
| So do you say that to your family? | ||
| Don't call me Rabbit? | ||
| I try to tell them, but I don't even think they know my real fucking name. | ||
| My brother called me, what you doing rap? | ||
| Motherfucker, I'm Pat now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| I'm Pat now. | ||
| Because you know I got a brother named Anthony and Tony. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I be like, do I call you and call you Anthony? | ||
| Don't I call you Ant, bitch? | ||
| I mean, I call him Anthony. | ||
| I don't call him Ant anymore. | ||
| You used to call him Ant. | ||
| Yeah, we used to call him Ant. | ||
| But that's short for Anthony. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But I call him Anthony and I tell him to call me Pat. | ||
| But he won't. | ||
| He won't. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| And my brother Tony, my brother Tony, he's real, real black. | ||
| So we used to call him Itchy. | ||
| I don't call you Itchy, bitch. | ||
| Don't call me Rabbit. | ||
| Why'd you call him Itchy? | ||
| Because he was real black. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because he always looked like he needed lotion. | ||
| Brian, what are you doing over there? | ||
| Answering emails? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Looked like he needed to be stretched. | ||
| He always looked dry. | ||
| And my sister's nickname was Maypop. | ||
| Maypop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why Maypop? | ||
| I don't fucking know, Joe, where we got these names from. | ||
| Maypop is very specific. | ||
| It's a state flower somewhere. | ||
| A Maypop is a... | ||
| Flower. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| That's how I learned it. | ||
| Maypop. | ||
| M-A-Y-P-O-P. Maypop flower. | ||
| Is that a flower in Minneapolis? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've seen it somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, it's a flower. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's purple. | ||
| Purple passion flower. | ||
| I have no idea why. | ||
| Maybe they thought she was a flower. | ||
| She was really pretty before crack. | ||
| Passiflora incarnata. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah, it's beautiful. | ||
| I know my mama didn't read that shit. | ||
| Yeah, commonly known as Maypop, purple passionflower, the passionflower, wild apricot, and wild passion vine, a fast-growing perennial vine. | ||
| My sister don't look shit like that. | ||
| Well, it's a beautiful flower, though. | ||
| It is a beautiful flower. | ||
| If you want to call somebody something like that, I mean, that's a nice thing. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Because it's wide open, so that replicates her legs. | ||
| Her legs are always wide open? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare she? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But her name was Maypop, and I have a brother that's named George. | ||
| We called him Bo. | ||
| Bo. | ||
| Yeah, he's biracial. | ||
| He's really biracial, but my mama said we all got the same daddy. | ||
| Ain't no fucking way when this man black is fucking cuda brown. | ||
| So how Bo is biracial. | ||
| He looks like he's white. | ||
| He looks like he's what? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Yeah, he looks like he's white. | ||
| But your mother says it comes from the same guy. | ||
| Yes, and he's a junior. | ||
| So I was like, I know why daddy beat your ass. | ||
| Because when I gave a writer my brothers and sisters a picture so she can kind of visualize who I'm talking about, she was like, who is this little white girl? | ||
| I was like, that's my oldest brother. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She thought he was a little white girl. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, but he's black. | ||
| I mean, but I don't know what he is. | ||
| We don't talk about it. | ||
| He's in jail right now. | ||
| What's he in jail for? | ||
| DUI. Poor Bo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been in jail all his life. | ||
| All of us have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| May Pop just got out of jail. | ||
| For what? | ||
| What did May Pop... | ||
| Oh, she ran over the crack here. | ||
| Remember I told you that they were smoking crack? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And she backed up over her too many times and they gave her two years or something. | ||
| Too many times. | ||
| Too many times. | ||
| The transvestite, my cousin, transvestite girlfriend. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I forgot about that story. | ||
| So she's out now. | ||
| For those who haven't heard that story, refer to podcast number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Miss Pat. | ||
| So she's out now. | ||
| She's out now. | ||
| Yeah, she's in a drug program. | ||
| She's getting her tokens day by day, I guess. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Now, when they see you being successful and becoming famous and doing really well, and they go to see you at a comedy club with 300 white people laughing and having a great time, are they happy for you? | ||
| I, you know, I don't think they, I don't really think they, they got it yet. | ||
| You know, they still think, oh, Pat just out here, you know, open mic, and I don't think they know what I'm exactly doing, because I'm not on TV. So if you ain't on TV to black people, you ain't made it. | ||
| But you're on Ari Shaffir's show. | ||
| You're on this Comedy Central show that's going to be, I think it's this Thursday. | ||
| No, it's next week. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| No. | ||
| They changed it. | ||
| My sister ain't gonna watch no fucking Comedy Central. | ||
| They don't watch Comedy Central even though you're on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Why not? | ||
| She probably ain't got cable for it, first of all. | ||
| She just asked me for $20 to pay her rent. | ||
| So she probably ain't got no goddamn cable. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I need to call and say, hey, you got Comedy Central, you should watch me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have a viewing party with all your friends back in Indiana. | |
| Family. | ||
| You don't have them over your house? | ||
| My family's not in Indianapolis. | ||
| No, they're in Atlanta. | ||
| So you don't want to have them fly out just to... | ||
| Who got that kind of money? | ||
| They ain't never been on no plane. | ||
| They've never been on a plane? | ||
| No. | ||
| They've been on a bus going to court. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They ain't never been on no plane. | ||
| I didn't start flying until I became a comedian. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How old were you the first time you got on an airplane? | ||
| What? | ||
| I've been doing this, what, 11, 12 years? | ||
| Late 20s. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So the first time you got on an airplane, were you shitting your pants? | ||
| I had somebody go with me. | ||
| I had a friend who worked at the airline. | ||
| And you know, my mom just... | ||
| Black people scared to fly. | ||
| That is so fucking true. | ||
| We'd rather drive 25 hours to get on a plane. | ||
| Honestly, you might think I'm lying. | ||
| My granddaddy married this lady who had some money. | ||
| And she said... | ||
| Wait a minute, your grand... | ||
| My grandfather... | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| He married this lady who had some money. | ||
| She wanted to go on a honeymoon. | ||
| He was like, I don't want to go on a fucking plane. | ||
| Now this man, he's 60. So she talked to him on the plane. | ||
| He came back and divorced that bitch. | ||
| He said, I told that bitch I didn't want to fly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He came back from the honeymoon and they never lived together. | ||
| Just because she made him fly? | ||
| She made him fly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I was always scared. | ||
| My mom was like, don't get on a fucking plane. | ||
| It ain't for us. | ||
| What was the gig? | ||
| It ain't for us. | ||
| White people are better than you. | ||
| Don't get on planes. | ||
| She was saying only white people fly. | ||
| Y'all like dying in the air. | ||
| When you light my cigarette, make sure you take two hits even though you're six. | ||
| This is how you make my drink. | ||
| This is how you keep a wallet in your back pocket. | ||
| Basically, everything your mother told you was wrong. | ||
| Did she ever give you any good advice? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, she didn't. | ||
| She didn't know shit. | ||
| She didn't know. | ||
| How do you fault her? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I said my mama did the best that she could because she could have been like these new bitches of the day and just dropped us off and kept going. | ||
| You know, these whole leaving these babies at the mall. | ||
| She struggled with her five kids. | ||
| I think, you know, she gave us what she was handed down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And until somebody tap you on the shoulder and say, hey, it's different shit out here. | ||
| Let's try something different like my husband did with me. | ||
| Then you don't know. | ||
| I mean, I got cousins who live in just like my mama. | ||
| All these different... | ||
| I mean, all these kids and welfare and no job. | ||
| It just... | ||
| It just keep being handed down. | ||
| Criminal activity, going to jail. | ||
| You know, they... | ||
| Like, my brother got two kids and I follow him on Instagram, right? | ||
| And they always in the hood. | ||
| Got on my fresh joy. | ||
| I'm freshen this bitch. | ||
| And I said, look at these stupid motherfuckers. | ||
| Look at these stupid motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm about to go wait in line for tennis shoes. | ||
| Really, motherfucker? | ||
| Really? | ||
| But that's all they know. | ||
| They're imitating their atmosphere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, that's what you saw and you became the same. | ||
| But your children are seeing something different. | ||
| I mean, that's what's really fascinating. | ||
| Especially as you become successful, your children are seeing you that's learned and grown. | ||
| And we talked about this last time you were on here. | ||
| The conversations that you had with your daughter when you've let your daughter know, like, look, this is me. | ||
| I was very young when I had you, and I've learned some things. | ||
| And along the way, I've become a better person and a different person, and you're a different person, a better person than I was when I was your age. | ||
| And it's like this... | ||
| Information that you're picking up, you're spreading to your kids. | ||
| You broke the chain. | ||
| You've broken the cycle. | ||
| That's got to be very happy for you. | ||
| I'm very happy because, you know, one of the concerns I had was dropout. | ||
| Nobody graduated. | ||
| Like, I dropped out in eighth and my sister dropped out and mom and everybody going to jail and teenage pregnancy. | ||
| I said to myself, you motherfuckers would not be fucking my baby at 14. I don't know who motherfuckers I was talking about, but I'm just talking about in general. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, she ended up being gay, so she could have used a little dick along the way. | ||
| Do you think that she's gay by nature or by nurture? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because she said she was born gay. | ||
| I said not according to the ultrasound. | ||
| The ultrasound? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Says whether you're gay or not? | ||
| She wasn't sucking on me when she was in my stomach, so I don't know where she'd get that habit from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not according to the ultrasound. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| She said she was born that way, Joe. | ||
| Don't you trust her? | ||
| I mean, if she says that, if she's always been attracted to him. | ||
| Now, I think also that my daughter did not have a good example of what a man should have been. | ||
| Because she always saw her daddy beating me. | ||
| She was there when her daddy shot me. | ||
| She was there with all the abuse. | ||
| Half of the bitches I caught them cheating with, my daughter took me to the house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So her vision of a man at that time was like, she was like, I don't like boys. | ||
| I can remember her as a little girl saying, I don't like boys because they hit you. | ||
| Well, there is that. | ||
| That is a factor for sure. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| Women that have been abused, that have turned to gay relationships, there's women that weren't gay when they were young or didn't think they were gay when they were young. | ||
| They were involved in Male-female relationships, but they encountered so many assholes that they just wanted love. | ||
| And it's more acceptable for a woman to become gay, too, than a man to become gay. | ||
| For a guy to become gay, it's very difficult for straight men. | ||
| Y'all can't go back. | ||
| No, they can't go back. | ||
| Yeah, your ass popped, that's it. | ||
| Yeah, no man cares if a woman has lesbian relationships. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It's like you took a break from dick. | ||
| It's like you're a virgin reborn. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Men don't mind. | ||
| They think it's hot. | ||
| Well, my daughter, she doesn't do that, you know, switching back and forth. | ||
| She's just strictly, always have been. | ||
| I mean, I can remember, we started noticing, like I said, around middle school. | ||
| We went over my super safe mother-in-law house. | ||
| Super safe? | ||
| She's super safe. | ||
| All she do is pray. | ||
| And this is what she told my husband. | ||
| She said, y'all need to pray for this girl. | ||
| She got a gay spirit. | ||
| Me and my mother-in-law at the time wasn't really tight, so I was like, fuck her and we need to pray for her wig because it's dried out. | ||
| She had a gay spirit. | ||
| That's what she told my husband. | ||
| She didn't tell me that because I probably would have cussed her ass out. | ||
| How old was your daughter when she was born? | ||
| My daughter was probably nine, ten. | ||
| Whoa, when she was nine or ten. | ||
| We was over at my mother-in-law's house, and when I got home, my mother said, Ashley has a gay spirit on her. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| But if you ask Ashley, she said she's been gay since elementary. | ||
| I mean, she said she knew when she really started liking girls in elementary. | ||
| Well, what's interesting is that you experienced the same sort of thing that she experienced, meaning that your mother was abused by your father and that you saw violence and you saw a young pregnancy and all that stuff, but her reaction was very different than your reaction. | ||
| You love men. | ||
| Yeah, I've never been with a woman. | ||
| So I tend to think she's probably, it's probably a little bit of both, you know? | ||
| She's probably born, I mean, obviously people are born gay, right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I gotta assume. | ||
| I got some gay neighbors, I can't imagine these dudes with a chick. | ||
| They're gay. | ||
| They're gay as fuck. | ||
| They've always been gay. | ||
| Well, I've seen little kids that act like they're, you know, real young, so I do believe that people can be born gay. | ||
| I mean, if you see a five-year-old hitting a split, I like, I got a nephew. | ||
| I got a nephew. | ||
| He hit a split? | ||
| Yeah, he hit a split. | ||
| So stretching means you're gay? | ||
| No, like he was a fucking girl. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god, that baby is gay. | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| Maybe just like Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. | ||
| Let's throw some kicks. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was in a split, like a cheerleader. | ||
| They was cheering. | ||
| Yeah, he was about five. | ||
| But I have a nephew that I know that's gay. | ||
| And he called me when he was younger. | ||
| I think he's probably 12 now, but he called me one day. | ||
| He started looking gay real young to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He started looking gay real young. | |
| How was that? | ||
| Probably about seven. | ||
| He just had those tendencies. | ||
| And his mama would say, your brother, because this is my brother's son, your brother need to be around my son because he like my shoes and he like my clothes and he like my wigs. | ||
| So you kind of ignore it as just a boy, you know, trying to find himself. | ||
| But my nephew called me a couple years back and he was like, because he think I'm famous. | ||
| And he was like, auntie, do you, I'm singing now, I'm in a singing group. | ||
| I said, oh, really? | ||
| So, you know, you think that's a black kid, he an R&B singer or a rapper? | ||
| So I said, well, what you singing, baby? | ||
| Oh, me and my group be singing All the Single Ladies. | ||
| So he sings Beyonce songs. | ||
| He sings Beyonce songs and Rihanna songs and he be sending me gay ass videos. | ||
| I be telling my brother. | ||
| How old is he now? | ||
| He's 14. And he fight a lot because my brother just told me he fight a lot at school because kids mess with him at school a lot. | ||
| So I think he's gay. | ||
| I just think, you know, I think he's gay, but he don't know he's gay. | ||
| So once he finds himself and not worry about what other people think of him, then he'll come out to be gay. | ||
| Like, I got a lot of gay people in my family. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It sounds like he's gay. | ||
| I mean, he probably knows he's gay. | ||
| He's singing all the single ladies. | ||
| And can dance. | ||
| He can twerk like a pussy between his legs. | ||
| I'm telling you, my nephew can cut a rug like a girl. | ||
| He cuts a rug. | ||
| Cut a rug. | ||
| That's an expression you don't hear anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| Cut a rug. | ||
| Cut a rug. | ||
| I was like, Lord, have mercy. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| That's me stretching. | ||
| That's you? | ||
| That's me, stretching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See? | ||
| I could do a split. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Does it make me gay? | ||
| No, that don't make you gay. | ||
| That look manly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get confused. | |
| That ain't what my nephew do. | ||
| It's manly. | ||
| My nephew sit on his balls. | ||
| He sits on his balls. | ||
| You know how a girl here is splitting her vagina right down the floor? | ||
| You got your shit just spread like this. | ||
| My nephew sit on his balls. | ||
| This is a little kid that used to live in my neighborhood. | ||
| He was gay as fuck. | ||
| And he was only like five years old. | ||
| And his mother was trying to get him into football. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Like they were trying to get him to do manly stuff. | ||
| And he just wanted to play with dolls. | ||
| He just wanted to play with girls. | ||
| And like his mother was talking to my wife. | ||
| You know, and trying to, like, figure out a way. | ||
| Like, you know, I just want to get him to get enough football. | ||
| I just think that if he's around more men, and I'm like, oh, no. | ||
| Like, she's in denial. | ||
| Like, she doesn't want a gay son. | ||
| You could tell she was resisting this. | ||
| It was upsetting her. | ||
| It was almost like she was reaching out to try to get someone to say, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you just get him into football, that'll fix him. | ||
| Yeah, he'll just turn straight. | ||
| Meanwhile, he was like, I love your toys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I play with your toys? | |
| He was gay. | ||
| He was a little gay guy. | ||
| She didn't want to accept it. | ||
| Yeah, he was born like that. | ||
| Yeah, he's born like that. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| I mean, there's a study they did in Rome, some Italian university, where they believe that with gay men that it's a variation of the X chromosome because they found that women who were promiscuous, like ultra-promiscuous, had greater instances of homosexual male sons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm glad I didn't give up a lot. | |
| What they thought was that it's possible that some women, like, some people are just hypersexual. | ||
| Like, there's different levels, just like there's different levels of intelligence and different levels of, you know, some people have great singing voices. | ||
| Some people are just, sex feels better to them. | ||
| They're more attracted to it. | ||
| They want it all the time. | ||
| And some girls could not be with one man. | ||
| And when they found women who are just almost like chronically promiscuous, and not just promiscuous, but would cheat on their husbands, cheat on their boyfriends, and just fucked everybody they could, those women had a greater instance of having gay sons. | ||
| And they felt like this is probably, like there's a genetic factor. | ||
| So they like so much dick, it get passed down to the son liking dick. | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| Yeah, that it literally passed down to the son. | ||
| I need to call my nephew, mom, and ask her, do she like a loud dick? | ||
| Do you like a lot of variety in your day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Because my nephew, honey, he be sending me videos. | ||
| I was like, Lord have mercy. | ||
| The videos of dancing. | ||
| I took him to Disney World with my kids. | ||
| And, you know, my son, I have a 14-year-old son. | ||
| So at the time, this has been about three, four years ago. | ||
| And so I got him there, you know, kind of get him the bun because they cousin, they don't get to see each other. | ||
| So my son comes back and says, Mama, what's wrong with him? | ||
| I said, what you mean what's wrong with him? | ||
| He just want to sit there and let the water hit his balls and stuff. | ||
| Water hit his balls? | ||
| What water? | ||
| You know, they would go down in that walk-down pool. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My nephew would just sit up there and let the water hit him between the legs. | |
| Smart kid. | ||
| And my son was like, I think he gay. | ||
| I said, shut the fuck up, he ain't gay. | ||
| And now look, he was right. | ||
| I mean, he haven't came out yet. | ||
| You're not gay until you say... | ||
| I mean, my daughter was not gay until she told me over the phone. | ||
| We assumed she was gay. | ||
| Well, she was gay before that. | ||
| Yes, because she went to college just to eat pussy. | ||
| She went to college and lost her fucking mind. | ||
| Just to eat pussy? | ||
| I think her major was eating pussy. | ||
| She lost her mind in college. | ||
| Do you think you'd be more accepting of a girl, daughter, a daughter being gay, or a son being gay? | ||
| Like, if you think about your girl eating pussy, you know, I'm sure it's kind of, you know, it takes a while to get used to, but is that the same as your son taking it in the ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I would think that that would be... | |
| I would think that would be on the hierarchy of sexual acceptance. | ||
| That would be a little bit more difficulty. | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| I'm glad my daughter's not the stud in the relationship. | ||
| Right, that she's the woman. | ||
| Yes, that she's the woman. | ||
| What is her girlfriend like? | ||
| Like fucking butch and shit. | ||
| Yeah, butch chicks. | ||
| She was dating a white chick. | ||
| She just dumped her. | ||
| I liked her. | ||
| Oh my God, I like this white girl. | ||
| My daughter a whore. | ||
| I told my daughter, I said, I'm so glad you gay because if you took as much dick as you eat much pussy, you would be wore out. | ||
| War out. | ||
| War out. | ||
| It wouldn't be nothing down there. | ||
| She likes a little variety. | ||
| No, she just, she just, she is a whore. | ||
| Whoa, how dare you. | ||
| Not a whore. | ||
| Not like that. | ||
| I mean, she like, she like, I think she just got, she's switching up too much. | ||
| Switching up too much. | ||
| Yeah, I'm tired of this hoe. | ||
| It's time to go on to the next one. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| And she'd never say, they're my girlfriends. | ||
| She'd say, these are my friends. | ||
| So what do people say when they like a lot of sex? | ||
| Everybody's their friends. | ||
| That's what people say when they like a lot of sex? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| From girls or guys? | ||
| From girls. | ||
| When you see somebody with different people all the time, and then they have maybe a six month relationship, three months relationship, and then you look up and they're with somebody else. | ||
| To me, that's a person, that's a greedy-ass person. | ||
| I haven't noticed that. | ||
| You know, one thing that guys do notice is when girls don't have any girlfriends, is when they only have a bunch of men friends. | ||
| There are girls that just have girlfriends. | ||
| And to a gal... | ||
| Every one of those girls that I've ever met that just has male friends is just taking dick all over to the place. | ||
| Everybody done fucked them. | ||
| On the sneak tip. | ||
| On the sneak tip. | ||
| We go play tennis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking in the car everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I wouldn't know. | ||
| I don't do stuff like that. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I wasn't going to treat my vagina like that. | ||
| I already started early. | ||
| That was a lot of stress there. | ||
| I shouldn't say to a girl, because I do know some girls. | ||
| I should take that back. | ||
| I do know some girls that are promiscuous. | ||
| But now it's so popular where they'll sleep with their girlfriends. | ||
| It isn't so popular? | ||
| Yeah, they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They have a relationship with our girlfriend and say, we just got high and tried something new. | ||
| And like, they hit each other on the ass. | ||
| Like, when my daughter was in high school, all the girls would hit each other on the ass. | ||
| And I'm like, where y'all get up? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You say hit each other on the ass? | ||
| Yeah, you know, spank their ass or hit their titties. | ||
| Hit their titties? | ||
| Yeah, or they bump titties. | ||
| Is that really going on? | ||
| Where you come from, Joe? | ||
| You don't have teenage kids? | ||
| I grew up in Boston. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's too cold for titty bumping. | ||
| Especially titty hitting. | ||
| Yeah, they do all kind of freaky stuff with each other. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they kiss that girlfriend. | ||
| I never thought about doing shit like that. | ||
| It wasn't going on when I was a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's porn, man. | |
| It's so popular now. | ||
| Yeah, they don't have respect for themselves. | ||
| Even when I'm a girl, I still won't get dressed in front of my girlfriend. | ||
| Well, bitch, I'm going in this bathroom and flip my panties over. | ||
| Flip my panties over? | ||
| What is it, a pancake or a panty? | ||
| What the heck is going on there? | ||
| Are you making a steak? | ||
| Are you cooking a burger? | ||
| Some shit was done on the other side. | ||
| Oh, Lord. | ||
| So you turn them over inside out? | ||
| You turn them over inside out? | ||
| That's your remedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| I'm just giving you a visual. | ||
| That's not a good visual, though. | ||
| I don't feel good right now. | ||
| Girls don't give a fuck what they do these days. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| I think Brian's right. | ||
| I think it's a porn thing because the shaving of the vaginas, when I was in high school, didn't exist. | ||
| Girls had jungles down there, and now every... | ||
| Not that I know high school girls' pussies these days. | ||
| Oh, you're probably right. | ||
| But I would think that women today, like, the reason why they trim them like that is directly related to porn. | ||
| And, like, they would have sex now. | ||
| Even when I started young, if you gave it up, you wanted a relationship. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| You can have sex with me and they never got to speak to me again. | ||
| I just wanted to try it out. | ||
| Like, it's a fucking ice cream and if you didn't like it, just throw it away. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| There was a lot of girls who used to fuck and didn't want relationships, though. | ||
| Not where I come from. | ||
| Indianapolis? | ||
| No, I'm from Atlanta. | ||
| So in Atlanta, when girls would have sex with a man, they wanted a relationship? | ||
| In my neighborhood, yeah. | ||
| That was their boyfriend. | ||
| It wasn't just no random dude. | ||
| You know, you would say that little lie, do you want to be my girlfriend? | ||
| Check yes or no. | ||
| Oh, that shit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So that's what I told my baby daddy, even though he was 22 married. | ||
| I wanted a relationship. | ||
| And you know, you give it up, you want it to be special. | ||
| Now they just have sex, and they don't give a fuck. | ||
| I grew up where we had girls that just wanted to fuck, and there was a sewer behind our apartment, and all the popular kids would go down there, and they'd go inside the sewer and fuck them in the sewer. | ||
| In the sewer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it would just line up pretty much. | |
| Was it a drain pipe? | ||
| Drain ditch type thing. | ||
| So it's for water, it's not sewer. | ||
| Sewer is where your shit water goes. | ||
| It's just like rain water. | ||
| It was like one of these huge tubes, and it just emptied out into this big field, but it never had anything in there, so it would go way back in there, and somebody put a couch back there at one point. | ||
| So you never had sex outside, Joe? | ||
| Of course I did. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But not in the sewer. | ||
| Well, my kid's father was married, and he didn't have no fucking money, so we did it all the time in the graveyard. | ||
| Graveyards, interesting. | ||
| Yeah, they're really nice. | ||
| Nobody there. | ||
| They're just looking. | ||
| Yeah, I used to run in graveyards. | ||
| I don't think about it. | ||
| I used to do my road work because it would remind me that I was going to be dead someday. | ||
| I was going to be under this ground and not have any regrets. | ||
| Well, that's not true. | ||
| You can tell them to cook you and you just be floating in the ocean. | ||
| That's not what I mean. | ||
| I mean, being around. | ||
| Oh, they cook you and you'll be floating in the ocean. | ||
| Just being around cemeteries, like remind you that this is a temporary thing. | ||
| That one day, you know, you'll either be dead in the ocean, floating around, or you'll be buried. | ||
| Either way, the idea was that it reminded me. | ||
| I want to be buried on top because I can't breathe down now. | ||
| I'm claustrophobic, so I want you to bury me on top of the ground. | ||
| Oh, like they do in New Orleans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have those... | ||
| Well, they do them in different places if you pay for them. | ||
| Well, they do it in a lot of places where they have problems with the ground being underwater. | ||
| Like, what are they called? | ||
| Crips? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Yeah, they make those things out of cement and they build them up so everything's above ground. | ||
| When my mama passed away, I was 16, so I would go to a grave sometime. | ||
| So my boyfriend bought her a little tombstone and stuff. | ||
| And I go out there one day with my silly ass. | ||
| She got an ant pile on top of her tombstone. | ||
| I go to my car, get gas, and set it on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You set the anthill on fire because it was on your mother's tombstone? | ||
| Yes, and I was trying to get rid of the ants and I set it on fire. | ||
| So everybody's shit out there burning. | ||
| I'm about to get arrested. | ||
| So you were pouring gasoline? | ||
| I poured just a little bit to kill the ant pile because it was huge. | ||
| And I just couldn't. | ||
| I wasn't thinking. | ||
| I was young. | ||
| Why was it on the stone? | ||
| You know, hers was flat. | ||
| With the ground, like that. | ||
| And so they had built up this big-ass pile, like, where you on top. | ||
| Well, not on top, like, you know, it was on there, and I wanted to get it off. | ||
| I caught myself cleaning her grave, and I go to my car, get just a little gasoline, set that bitch off, and her boyfriend is buried next to him, so he burning, she burning, I'm up there trying to put this shit out. | ||
| Her boyfriend was buried right next to her? | ||
| Her boyfriend was, yeah. | ||
| He bought the plot next to her. | ||
| When did he go? | ||
| I don't know, because after she died, you know, she just went to sleep and never woke up. | ||
| She wasn't sick. | ||
| I remember talking to her the week that she died, because she said, come over here and pay. | ||
| I was selling drugs. | ||
| So she was like, Rabbit, I need you to come over here and pay my light bill. | ||
| Your mom called you Rabbit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember going to the clinic with my mama one day, and my mama, you know, she was illiterate. | ||
| She couldn't read. | ||
| I love her, rest her soul. | ||
| But she couldn't spell all names. | ||
| So she said, rabbit, how to spell your real name? | ||
| And so this kid overheard her and said, your mama dumb. | ||
| She can't spell your name. | ||
| My mama said, shut up, bitch. | ||
| You don't know me. | ||
| I dropped out in the eighth grade, but I was on the ninth grade level. | ||
| So I'm standing there like, why the fuck did you say that? | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| Because she was in the 8th grade and 9th grade level? | ||
| She probably dropped out in the... | ||
| I don't know when she dropped out, but she dropped out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Your mom calling you rabbits dark. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's your crack selling name. | ||
| Well, it wasn't my crack selling name then. | ||
| That was my nickname. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It grew into my crack dealing name. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Because you can't go on the street and name your real name. | ||
| Everybody, you know, Pookie, Black, Maymay, Maymay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know the shit they call us in the hood. | ||
| Everybody got a nickname. | ||
| I've watched those films. | ||
| You watch those films? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Boys in the Hood, things along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Everybody got a nickname. | ||
| So how did you get Rabbit then if it wasn't a crack dealing name? | ||
| Where did Rabbit come from? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They say I like carrots, raw carrots, when I was little. | ||
| But I've always been called Rabbit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it was like, before you can remember, you were a rabbit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We had a kid in school, we called him Onion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you have a nickname? | |
| Did you have a nickname, Joe, growing up for anything? | ||
| No, never had a nickname. | ||
| Nobody? | ||
| Your mama didn't give anybody a nickname? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, I got four kids and only one of them got a nickname. | ||
| Only because he's a junior. | ||
| You know what's the saddest shit? | ||
| When people give themselves a nickname. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with that. | ||
| I want you guys to start calling me the Turbo. | ||
| That's like stripples. | ||
| They sell nicknames. | ||
| Yeah, but that's like a stage name. | ||
| That's just so dudes can't be creeping on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had the worst name. | |
| People called me Poof because my hair was so big. | ||
| What was popular in that show? | ||
| 21 Jump Street? | ||
| No, the other one with Dylan McKay. | ||
| 90210? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I used to have this kind of thing going on, so everyone was like, Hey, Poof! | ||
| It took me a while to get used to it. | ||
| How long did that nickname stick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
From, like, high school. | |
| To when? | ||
| All throughout high school? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So five years you had Poof? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poof. | |
| And then, like, once in a while somebody will run into me from my old days and be like, Poof! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, oh, gross. | |
| Well, you know, white kids really don't have nicknames, so they're giving themselves a nickname to be super cool. | ||
| No, white kids have nicknames. | ||
| There's a lot of white kids with nicknames. | ||
| It's not as popular. | ||
| As blacks? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of white kids. | ||
| I mean, as black people. | ||
| Yeah, I know a lot of white kids who have nicknames. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was a kid, when I lived in Newton, there was this part of Newton, it still exists, called the Lake, Newton North, where everybody calls everybody Mush. | ||
| And it stuck. | ||
| It's this one part of the country, this one part of the city, this one part of this one small suburb where everybody's like, Mush. | ||
| Mush, we gotta go down this fucking thing, Mush. | ||
| We gotta get this fucking guy, Mush. | ||
| We gotta go to this movie, Mush. | ||
| We gotta go get something to eat, Mush. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it based off Mushmouth? | |
| Nope. | ||
| I was gonna say mush mouth too. | ||
| It's like dude. | ||
| It's like their version of dude. | ||
| It's not even insulting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It still exists to this day. | ||
| My family say Bado. | ||
| Bado? | ||
| It's not a word. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I didn't even realize it until my husband called it. | ||
| My husband catch a lot of shit listening to me. | ||
| Like, use it in what way? | ||
| Like, you know Bado, over there Bado. | ||
| Come on Bado, let's do this Bado. | ||
| Bado? | ||
| Bado. | ||
| My whole family say Bado. | ||
| So, they're talking about a person, like calling you Bado. | ||
| No, it's over there Bado. | ||
| But they're saying Bado like to you, like you're Bado. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're finna do a podcast, Bado. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how we talk. | ||
| We all talk like that. | ||
| And I was like, why do y'all say Bado? | ||
| And I was like, we don't say Bado. | ||
| And he's like, yes, you do say Bado. | ||
| You didn't realize you were saying it? | ||
| You still say it? | ||
| I do say Bado. | ||
| Do you ever say it on stage? | ||
| Does it slip out? | ||
| No, I say it with my family a lot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, because you don't want to go back and your family think you're bougie. | ||
| Do you ever listen to someone say, you know, so many fucking times you want to strangle them? | ||
| I've been listening to podcasts lately and like and you know. | ||
| Like, there's some people that don't understand. | ||
| I mean, I've been guilty of it myself, but when you listen to it, you realize it because it's a way of saying, uh. | ||
| Some people say, fucking, this fucking guy with his fucking, and what they're really saying is this, um, guy with his, um, but they don't want to say, um, so they'll say, this fucking, or they'll say, like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, this like, you know, and you're like, oh my fucking god, please stop saying that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Comedians say that a lot. | ||
| They're thinking on stage. | ||
| Well, sometimes it works. | ||
| Sometimes there's actually a reason to do it. | ||
| You're setting something up, or you're allowing the audience to think along with you. | ||
| I'm talking almost after every joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You're like, damn, motherfucker, didn't you rehearse today? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Do you rehearse your material? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Well, you know, I've been shot a couple times, so I need to get it going in my head. | ||
| Not like in the mirror, like, I'm gonna say this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that bullshit. | |
| That's the most corniest, that's some bullshit there. | ||
| I hate that shit, because when I first started, I was like, you gotta talk to yourself in the mirror. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Who told you you have to talk to yourself in the mirror? | ||
| Fucking comedians, who don't know shit about comedy. | ||
| Yo, just rehearsing, you go on stage, you sound like a fucking, you giving a speech. | ||
| And I was like, I sound robotic. | ||
| I don't want to do this bullshit. | ||
| So I just started, you know, stop that rehearsing shit. | ||
| I go over my set, but I'm not going to go in the mirror and say, and then I said this, and then I was shot two times and ducked. | ||
| No, I ain't going to do that bullshit. | ||
| Do you write down all the different things you want to talk about? | ||
| Yes, because my mind is always going, and I'm always remembering shit from my past and so much going on in my person. | ||
| You know, you're a comic, so you damn near get a premise every day. | ||
| So, I mean, you know, most of us do. | ||
| Now, do you worry that you're going to eventually run out of stories about your life? | ||
| I'm going to run out of stories. | ||
| I can't fucking wait to stop telling these stories, to move on. | ||
| It's because it's going to be challenging. | ||
| Right now, I'm blessed with so much to talk about. | ||
| You know, a lot of comics don't have that opportunity. | ||
| I see white boys ain't did shit. | ||
| They mama fucking cat jokes and dog jokes, and they mama do their fucking laundry. | ||
| And I was like, shut the fuck up, white boy, and go rob a liquor store so you can talk about something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking blessed fucker. | ||
| Yeah, you blessed fucker. | ||
| Go rob a liquor store already. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, me prior. | ||
| I mean, prior started off with his whole life and eventually he moved on to shit in his current life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I have a current life. | ||
| A lot of the shit I talk about now is from my past, but I still have a current life. | ||
| I mean, that I haven't even really gotten to. | ||
| I could probably do what we're working on an hour now that's only going to show just a small portion of my current life. | ||
| Are you going to put together a comedy special soon? | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Do you have a timeline where you're trying to do it? | ||
| I'm talking to my managers, so we're back and forth trying to get it together first. | ||
| Have you filmed anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Nothing yet. | ||
| Sometimes it's good to just do a set somewhere, film it, and then just go over and say, I can expand on this. | ||
| Do you watch yourself? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, the manager that I have forces me to watch and listen to myself. | ||
| I never did it before. | ||
| But it helps because, you know, I'm from the South. | ||
| I can't talk with shit. | ||
| I fuck up some words. | ||
| And white people say, what did you say? | ||
| Yeah, but it's good. | ||
| Like, when you fuck up words, it's like, it's fun. | ||
| It's like it adds flavor to it. | ||
| Yeah, but I tell you, when I first moved from Georgia, and then I had this joke about it, my mom would say, set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| Cock, cock, hot cock. | ||
| Cock is a dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But all these years, my mom's been telling me to set my hot dick ass down. | ||
| So when I was doing a joke in the Midwest, and I said, hot cock, and everybody was like, what the fuck, you got a cock? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Your mother used to say, set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| All black parents say that. | ||
| Set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I guarantee you all black parents do not say that. | ||
| Down south they do. | ||
| Down south. | ||
| Set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| And I can call my brother right now. | ||
| I'm Googling that. | ||
| I'm going to Google set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| I guarantee you I'm not going to find shit. | ||
| Set your hot cock ass down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot cock ass down. | |
| Miss Pat. | ||
| First thing that comes up. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It's darkness. | ||
| First thing you find is a Craigslist ad for Phoenix. | ||
| Cocksucker wants to deep rim your ripe... | ||
| and that's the first verse. | ||
| I'm gonna call my brother for you. | ||
| You didn't know you wanted cock. | ||
| Transsexuals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Bareback City 8. This is the... | ||
| Keep that noise down, your cock up. | ||
| Come down my throat, you jizz, free porn movies. | ||
| Okay, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing. | ||
| My mama used to say, set your hot cock ass down. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Type in southern hot cock. | |
| No. | ||
| I'm calling my brother for you. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| He might be fixing the car. | ||
| It's not that I don't believe you. | ||
| It's just that I think... | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| You want to talk to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Southern. | |
| Answer the phone. | ||
| He's probably somewhere fucking up somebody's transmission. | ||
| Why, is he a transmission specialist? | ||
| No, he's a fake-ass mechanic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A fake mechanic? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What is a fake mechanic? | ||
| Who tell you he knows? | ||
| So he doesn't really know what he's doing? | ||
| Oh, he'll come back. | ||
| He'd say he fixed cars, but really don't. | ||
| I mean, he ain't went to school for it. | ||
| He'd just be trying some shit. | ||
| So he just fucks around? | ||
| He fixed my car one time. | ||
| I had a SUV. A Montero. | ||
| So I needed a head job. | ||
| So he told me... | ||
| Well, the spark plugs kept jumping out the engine. | ||
| They jumped out of the engine? | ||
| You know, they kept coming out, because he had stripped the heads on my car. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So instead of saying, hey, I fucked up your heads, you know, you need to get a head job. | ||
| This boy went on my back porch, got my barbecue spatula, broke that bitch off, stuck it in the engine, and screwed that gasket back down. | ||
| So I was like, the car's still running raggedy. | ||
| So I was like, fuck you. | ||
| You took my $300. | ||
| I go to the dealership. | ||
| $300? | ||
| He took a barbecue spatula? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You're lucky it didn't explode. | ||
| Look, he said, look, I pull up to the dealership. | ||
| I'm not lying. | ||
| And the man take the thing out. | ||
| He said, ma'am, who put a barbecue spatula in your engine? | ||
| I said, that motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he charged me. | |
| He charged you $300 to put a barbecue spatula. | ||
| My good barbecue spatula that cost me $20. | ||
| You know them real long civil with the good hander? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, the nice ones. | ||
| Get away from the fire. | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| He broke that bitch and stuck it in my engine. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| And I was like, why did you do that, motherfucker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he say? | |
| He was like, I was trying to keep your spark plugs in your engine. | ||
| That ain't how you do it. | ||
| Did he learn anywhere? | ||
| Did he go to school for that shit? | ||
| He's getting better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He's getting better. | ||
| No more spatulas. | ||
| He's at the point where you can trust him with an oil change. | ||
| An oil change? | ||
| I would trust my daughter with an oil change. | ||
| No, just him. | ||
| That's not that hard. | ||
| Here's eight quarts. | ||
| This is where they go. | ||
| How fucking hard is that? | ||
| Yeah, but he is horrible. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| I mean, it's hand-on training. | ||
| Where does he do it? | ||
| All in and around. | ||
| He got a mobile business. | ||
| A mobile business? | ||
| As soon as he fuck up your car, he changes his number. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| I got three Anthony's in here all over his phone number. | ||
| Oh, that is fucking hilarious. | ||
| So he just fucks up people's cars, changes his number, and just gets ghost. | ||
| Get ghost. | ||
| Do you hear me? | ||
| He told one lady. | ||
| One lady said, one lady told him, she said, Anthony, you lied to me. | ||
| You said you were going to redo my car. | ||
| My brother said, look here, bitch. | ||
| One thing I don't do is I don't lie. | ||
| What I did was not tell you the truth. | ||
| She said, bitch, that's still lying, right? | ||
| He is hilarious. | ||
| What I do is not tell you the truth. | ||
| Yes, but he said he don't lie. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Nothing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how stupid he is! | |
| How did he start this mobile business of fixing people's cars? | ||
| Because he's a convicted felon. | ||
| We all got business. | ||
| We can't work nowhere. | ||
| So he just started working on people's cars and just started bullshitting and figured it out along the way? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, my stepfather was a mechanic. | ||
| And so all my brothers, like him and my brother, my brother and my brother and Tony, they do mechanic work together. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so they just go out and fuck up people's calls, but he... | ||
| He fired Tony. | ||
| Tony gets Social Security now, so he fired Tony. | ||
| So it's just him by himself. | ||
| He fired him because he gets Social Security? | ||
| Can't be a part of the team? | ||
| He said, Tony... | ||
| You know, Social Security will only let you put in 20 hours before they cut your check off. | ||
| I don't know why he fired Tony. | ||
| They fight all the fucking time. | ||
| So he's just had to be a lone wolf out there fixing cars. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't let him take shit for me. | |
| After the spatula, you put a fucking spatula in your engine. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then he, well, I got it running. | ||
| Did you say you want it running? | ||
| Yeah, motherfucker, but not just make it to the stop sign. | ||
| Yeah, not with a broken spatula inside. | ||
| Put a broken spatula. | ||
| I took that shit to the dealership. | ||
| That white dude could not stop laughing. | ||
| And I'm like, you laughing, but that's my good $15, $20 spatula, and I'm out of $300 for a head job I thought I got. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so he never gave you the money back? | ||
| Hell no! | ||
| He got six kids. | ||
| He got six kids. | ||
| He got a set of triplets. | ||
| And then he has a few more outside kids from his wife. | ||
| Outside kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are they, like, fucking feral cats? | |
| Outside kids. | ||
| They was kids that don't live in his house. | ||
| Oh, they don't live with him. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| God damn, that is crazy. | ||
| My family is crazy. | ||
| You should go on a Miss Pat family tour. | ||
| Well, Miss Pat, I think what's going to happen next, okay, what's already happened is you got a book deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What's going to happen next is you're going to have a fucking reality show. | ||
| I don't want a reality show. | ||
| Oh, why not? | ||
| I want a real show. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| I mean, I ain't gonna say I don't want a reality show, but... | ||
| You want a real show like you want an act. | ||
| Bernie Mac. | ||
| Yes, Roseanne. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| And you would be great at that. | ||
| However, what's really hilarious is the true stories. | ||
| You want me to put them people on TV, Joe? | ||
| Who gonna tame that shit? | ||
| That's worse than Honey Boo Boo. | ||
| You don't have to tame it. | ||
| You don't have to tame it. | ||
| But what I'm saying is the difference between, like, if somebody gets a hold of your life and starts turning into a sitcom script... | ||
| They're not going to do it justice. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| Especially if you get a bunch of white writers. | ||
| If it's cable. | ||
| Even if it's cable, are they really going to be able to capture it? | ||
| Yes, they captured the wire. | ||
| Yeah, but that's different. | ||
| The wire is all fiction. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I live that bullshit. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| No, I mean, it never happens. | ||
| I mean, someone wrote all those characters. | ||
| Yeah, because he was a guy that was a reporter in that neighborhood. | ||
| That's how that came about. | ||
| Go Google it. | ||
| What do you mean, who was a reporter? | ||
| The guy who wrote the book. | ||
| The guy who wrote the book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like a reporter. | ||
| He would go out with the police and stuff when all of that stuff was happening. | ||
| This is what I've heard from my writer. | ||
| He just started to capture that stuff and ended up writing a book. | ||
| Well, I believe that. | ||
| A lot of that stuff really went on in D.C. I'm sure it did. | ||
| I'm sure it did. | ||
| But the words that they put in their mouths was all created by writers and calculated and written out. | ||
| If you write stuff about... | ||
| If you wrote a movie about my past... | ||
| I mean, of course you're going to have to kind of twerk everything, but a lot of it would be mispassed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I believe you, but no better way to show the real people than to show the real people. | ||
| But I don't want to be on TV looking like that. | ||
| What do you mean looking like what? | ||
| Come on, a bunch of black people can't talk fighting over a car game. | ||
| That would be fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, for a little while. | ||
| But it wouldn't be hilarious. | ||
| Then here come Al Sharpton and what is it? | ||
| Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson. | ||
| Jesse Jackson and all the other ones. | ||
| This is not how... | ||
| I don't want to hear all that shit from them. | ||
| You don't have to listen to them. | ||
| Let them talk. | ||
| They would only help you. | ||
| They would only help you. | ||
| You get to talk shit about them after they start talking. | ||
| I talk shit about them now. | ||
| But you could be talking shit even stronger if they gave you a hard time about your show. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't know. | ||
| Oh, believe me. | ||
| Well, I'm not telling you what to do. | ||
| You do whatever you want to do. | ||
| I'm not going to say I would take anything, because I can't see me being the silly fat chick. | ||
| That's not a role for me. | ||
| Well, see, the thing about a reality show is you don't need a role. | ||
| You could just miss Pat's world, and you could narrate it. | ||
| You know, you could stand in front of the camera and go, we're about to meet my fucking brother, Anthony, who pretends he's a fucking mechanic. | ||
| This stupid motherfucker put a fucking spatula inside my head. | ||
| You could tell that story. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| Who's the crazy family that's on TV now? | ||
| I don't watch a lot of shows. | ||
| Who's the white family? | ||
| Duck Dynasty? | ||
| No, not them. | ||
| Kardashians? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's a real sitcom. | ||
| Modern Family. | ||
| I never watched that show. | ||
| That's a funny show. | ||
| Have you seen Fresh Off the Boat? | ||
| No, but that's my friend Eddie Huang's story. | ||
| That fucking shit is... | ||
| Eddie Huang, dude, that shit is hilarious. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| I had to go to the bathroom after watching that show. | ||
| You had to go to the bathroom? | ||
| And pee. | ||
| That shit had my stomach working. | ||
| I mean, muscles. | ||
| I was laughing. | ||
| Eddie Huang, if you ain't got nobody else supporting you, I watch that shit every week. | ||
| My husband record. | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| It's only two episodes in, but y'all need to watch Fresh Out the Boat. | ||
| Well, it's based on the story of his life that he wrote, and he is the narrator. | ||
| And there's a little boy who plays him. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The rapper? | ||
| The rapper dude? | ||
| There was a little boy. | ||
| The young boy who plays him. | ||
| And then there's Randall Park, who's a comedian and actor. | ||
| He actually played Kim Jong-un in The Dictator. | ||
| Yeah, I'm talking about the funniest character is the little boy who thinks he's a rapper. | ||
| I haven't seen the show yet. | ||
| Well, that must be him. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little boy. | ||
| He talks like a rapper. | ||
| Eddie talks like he's from Brooklyn. | ||
| He grew up in Orlando. | ||
| That shit is funny. | ||
| Your friend's show is funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| You need to watch it. | ||
| He's got a great show on Vice, too. | ||
| His show on Vice is called Off the Boat or Fresh Off the Boat with Eddie Wong. | ||
| No, that's on ABC. No, no, no. | ||
| He's got a Vice show, but with the same title. | ||
| Oh, I don't know what a Vice show is. | ||
| Vice is this channel online, vice.com. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| And he has a show on Vice that's him. | ||
| He's a cook. | ||
| He's a very famous chef. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| He's a very accomplished chef, and that's what he does for a living. | ||
| But he's a hilarious fucking dude. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| That show is so funny. | ||
| And Empire. | ||
| You seen Empire? | ||
| I haven't seen Empire. | ||
| It's really good, too. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| You just sit around watching TV shows? | ||
| Well, my husband watches a lot of TV when I'm home. | ||
| When you're home? | ||
| Yeah, when I'm home. | ||
| I try to catch up. | ||
| There's time with my husband. | ||
| You know, you have to do stuff that your partner likes, so he likes to watch a lot of TV, especially when his gout flared up. | ||
| How does he feel about you going on the road all the time now? | ||
| Because you guys have been together for a while, and now all of a sudden you're the successful touring comedian. | ||
| He, um, he's very, he's, in the beginning, Joe, he was not supportive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He did not think I was funny. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| No, he actually said. | ||
| How could he not think you were funny? | ||
| Because he said nobody, I think it's the way he protect me, because I was talking about my life, you know, oh, I got a baby by Mary Mann and this movie. | ||
| He shot me. | ||
| And a lot of times, a lot of those stories come out of me like, what did you shoot your wife in the chest for? | ||
| He was like, I didn't fucking shoot her. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| So, he was like, the stuff is too dark for him. | ||
| And he still don't laugh, but he's supportive. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You know, he tried to, every now and then, give me something to talk about. | ||
| And he helps me out every now and then. | ||
| So, when he hears you on podcasts and you're telling stories... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He don't listen to podcasts. | |
| He doesn't listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| No. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He only seen me live one time. | ||
| What? | ||
| One time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That seems crazy. | ||
| He came to... | ||
| I used to open for Cat Williams, so... | ||
| We was in Kentucky, and Cat has over like 20-something thousand tickets. | ||
| And Cat was like, your husband should come out and see you. | ||
| And I was like, my husband's never going to come see me. | ||
| He said, call him up. | ||
| I called my husband. | ||
| Cat got on the phone and was like, I want you to come see your wife. | ||
| I fly you and the kids. | ||
| And he was like, well, we live in Kentucky. | ||
| He said, well, jump in the rental car and I'll pay for it. | ||
| And he was like, you ain't got to do that. | ||
| I come. | ||
| So he came down there, 20,000 people, and let me go out second. | ||
| And everybody was doing 15. He said, go do 25 for your husband. | ||
| And I fucking killed. | ||
| And my kids said the whole time my husband was ducking in his chair like that. | ||
| Like, I hope she be funny. | ||
| I hope she be funny. | ||
| And that changed his whole outlook on me. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| 20,000 fucking people. | ||
| The first time you ever see your wife on stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| The first time he ever saw you on stage, 20,000 people. | ||
| That had to be so strange to him. | ||
| Knowing you for so long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never came. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And did you crush it? | ||
| I crushed it. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Goddamn, I bet you did. | ||
| I bet you did. | ||
| So he, like... | ||
| Like, he'll watch stuff. | ||
| Like, you know I'm about to be on Comedy Central with Art Shafir. | ||
| So he'll probably record it and watch it when I'm not home. | ||
| Watch it when you're not home. | ||
| He doesn't want you to be around when he's watching it? | ||
| I can't watch myself on TV. Because then, oh, you're fat. | ||
| You're sweating. | ||
| Oh, look at my neck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know. | |
| You're fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're sweaty. | |
| Oh, look at my neck. | ||
| For some reason, it was hot in that damn place where we shot at, and I was sweating my ass off. | ||
| That place is a strip club. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| That's Cheetahs. | ||
| That's Cheetahs in Hollywood. | ||
| So I was fucking hot, and I was just looking at the preview, and I was like, holy fuck, I'm sweating. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is hilarious. | |
| So, I won't watch it. | ||
| What is it like working with Cat Williams? | ||
| He was really nice. | ||
| You know, I kept... | ||
| It was 2012. 2012, I think. | ||
| And the week I got the gig with Cat, my father had passed that Monday, and they called me that Wednesday to tell me I was going on tour. | ||
| So, my dad had canceled, and for his insurance policy to kick him forward, he needed to be alive to August. | ||
| He died in 11. He needed to be alive to August 2012. Because he had that type of policy. | ||
| He had just moved, you know, with me. | ||
| So he had that type of policy. | ||
| He had to be alive for so long. | ||
| And he didn't make it. | ||
| And we didn't have no fucking money to bury him. | ||
| So my husband was like, well, I'll just go in my savings. | ||
| I was like, well, let me see what I can do on top of getting all of my brothers and sisters up here to come to the funeral because we didn't have enough money to ship him home. | ||
| And Cat William heard me on the phone telling my brother, I said, well, wait till I get paid from this gig and I'm going to get y'all up here, but I still got to pay $9,000 for daddy's funeral. | ||
| I don't know where the fuck it's coming from because they only gave me $4,000. | ||
| Cat overheard me say that, went to the fucking room, and brought me like five Gs back to bury my daddy. | ||
| I had not hit the stage that night, not one time. | ||
| And he was like, here's your money, you know, go bury your daddy and come back. | ||
| And I was like, you don't have to do this. | ||
| I was like, I can pay you back. | ||
| He was like, you don't owe me nothing. | ||
| Don't owe me from dick out of water. | ||
| And he helped me bury my daddy. | ||
| That's why when people say something like that, I was like, fuck you. | ||
| I mean, I was opening for somebody on the regular, and they didn't even offer a bitch flowers for my daddy. | ||
| I don't know Cat Williams, but my take on Cat Williams when he does all this crazy shit is he's so fucking funny that you have to be crazy to be that funny. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| He's very funny and very intelligent. | ||
| You see that character that he does, but if you talk to him smart as hell... | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| I had an interview that I listened to that changed the way I prepare for shows. | ||
| And it was him. | ||
| He was talking about how he doesn't eat before shows. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| I was like, you know what? | ||
| I've eaten before shows and not felt good. | ||
| Like I felt all weighed down by food. | ||
| I'm like, that's smart. | ||
| So I'm going to do that too. | ||
| So I give myself a two hour window. | ||
| I will not eat two hours before show. | ||
| The same window I give myself for like working out. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| You know, it's a smart thing that he said. | ||
| And, you know, he's talking about preparing. | ||
| He has music that he listens to. | ||
| He do. | ||
| Special music right before shows. | ||
| He got holes rubbing his hands and his shoulders. | ||
| But he's so funny. | ||
| Like all this different shit that happens to him. | ||
| He did his last special when he goes, when you're standing next to Suge Knight and you're the one getting arrested. | ||
| That's when you know you fucked up. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| You know, I don't like to hear people when they talk about, you know, people when they go through shit. | ||
| I was like, because you really don't know the situation. | ||
| You're just on the outside looking in. | ||
| You fucking internet thugs. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| Well, there's always going to be people that love to cast rocks, to throw rocks at people that are fucking up. | ||
| That's what I'm learning in this business. | ||
| What we were talking about before the podcast, before Brian showed up, people that are fucking with you, that are saying a bunch of mean shit to you. | ||
| Somebody, like I said, Comedy Central released my internet version, and somebody called me a black cunt, and I'm like, you's an ignorant bitch, because cunt don't even ring bells in the hood. | ||
| You got to call me a bitch to get me riled up. | ||
| Cunt doesn't work in the hood? | ||
| No, we don't fucking cunt. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, bitch might get you slapped. | ||
| But cunt? | ||
| What the fuck is a cunt? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing, huh? | |
| Yeah, but you know, I used to get... | ||
| We're doing white chicks. | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| I heard a white boy call a white girl a cunt, and this bitch broke out. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is a cunt? | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
| So I had to go ask my friend, why is she crying? | ||
| He was like, that's like calling you a B, a bitch, or the N-word. | ||
| I was like, holy fuck, keep crying, white girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. | |
| You want me to help you whoop his ass? | ||
| I don't know why cunt has so much of a power over white women, but it just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does. | |
| It doesn't affect black women. | ||
| Bitch do. | ||
| But you know what it doesn't work on? | ||
| White women in England. | ||
| Everybody's cunt over there. | ||
| England and Ireland, everybody calls everybody cunt. | ||
| He's a funny cunt. | ||
| He's a funny cunt, isn't he? | ||
| And they'll ask you a question. | ||
| Miss Patch is a funny cunt, isn't she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| They only really say it about women, though. | ||
| It's more like a man thing. | ||
| They call men cunts. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But it's like almost a term of endearment. | ||
| Not over here for white women. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird how that works. | ||
| White women don't like cunt and they don't like crow's feet. | ||
| They're the two things that pisses them off. | ||
| Crow's feet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean like the lines near your eyes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see them in the makeup shop. | ||
| They are scared of crow's feet like a black man with a pistol. | ||
| I see them in the makeup shop just filling them bitches in. | ||
| I'm like, let it go, girl. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Well, a lot of blonde ladies especially, they have that weird skin that gets real brittle and thin. | ||
| Thin skin does not age well. | ||
| One thing about black people and about dark-skinned people, Latinos especially, they age better because they have thicker skin. | ||
| Italian women, they have thicker skin. | ||
| There's something about white, really white people. | ||
| They have that really thin skin. | ||
| I have a friend And he's my age, and this motherfucker looks like he's 80 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dang! | |
| He's fucking blonde. | ||
| Too much sun. | ||
| A little bit of sun, but deep, deep cracks all over his face and his mouth. | ||
| I mean, he looks really, really old. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird when you're around him. | ||
| It's like, wow, he's only 47 years old, and he looks like he's... | ||
| I dated this girl that had such thin skin that every time she would take a shower, you could see her whole entire circulatory system or circularity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like every single vein going to her boobs and stuff like that. | ||
| Well, that's newborn white babies. | ||
| I used to be a medical assistant. | ||
| That's newborn white babies. | ||
| I didn't make this shit up. | ||
| That is true though. | ||
| Some white girls with really thin white skin. | ||
| I didn't know that was thin skin. | ||
| You could see their veins and their tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was something about the shower. | |
| When she would get out, you could actually see the blood just flowing around her body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember it was really concerned with the boobs. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really what? | ||
| It was really concentrated around the boobs. | ||
| A lot of We're good to go. | ||
| I mean, it was really good when you got ready to stick them because you knew not to hit the veins. | ||
| But it was really creepy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Veins are creepy. | ||
| I have zero veins, so whenever I have to give blood, they have to stick it in there and grind around and try to find it. | ||
| It usually takes them like 10 minutes. | ||
| It's not that you have zero veins. | ||
| You just have high body fat content. | ||
| Yeah, that's all they hide. | ||
| You lose about 10 pounds, your fucking vein will swim back to the top. | ||
| And the girl who was with the see-through body, she was skinny, right? | ||
| Yeah, she's right. | ||
| You can't see through my body. | ||
| See-through body. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about that white skin. | ||
| Well, that's also this guy that I know that looks old. | ||
| He's already gotten skin cancer, too. | ||
| He probably tan a lot. | ||
| Well, not tan. | ||
| He just goes outdoors and doesn't put sunscreen on. | ||
| But he had a big chunk removed off of his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeremiah Watkins just had a big chunk removed from his back. | |
| Who is that? | ||
| Another white guy. | ||
| He had this huge chunk taken out of his back because he just didn't do anything about it. | ||
| He had this skin cancer mole thing that started changing colors. | ||
| I know quite a few people that have had skin cancer removed from their body. | ||
| Malignant, non-malignant, benign, whatever it is. | ||
| Different kinds of cancerous moles. | ||
| Super common. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My mom every couple months. | |
| And I have so many moles that I should get this checked out. | ||
| I probably have it somewhere. | ||
| Well, go get it checked out because that shit becomes systemic and you're fucked. | ||
| I'm glad I'm black. | ||
| Yeah, black people very rarely get... | ||
| Well, Bob Marley died of skin cancer. | ||
| Got it on his foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, Bob Marley got skin cancer, I believe it was between his toes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, Bob Marley, the manager, one of the managers supposedly killed him. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hendricks, you're thinking of Hendricks. | |
| Hendricks, yes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The cancer that's killed is genetically different. | ||
| This is interesting. | ||
| The skin cancer that killed Bob Marley is genetically different and is not caused by the sun. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| They've sequenced the DNA of a rare type of melanoma that caused Bob Marley's death. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| Bob Marley died of skin cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| It's called acral melanomas, the rare type of skin cancer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you couldn't get the toe off to save the man. | ||
| I don't think he probably knew what was going on. | ||
| He probably thought it was diabetes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On his toe? | ||
| Yeah, my mama had a sore on her foot for years, and she tried to treat it herself with fucking Vaseline and shit. | ||
| Yeah, the diabetes thing, it's like a circulatory thing. | ||
| It's like, doesn't it? | ||
| Well, it started, she fell, and it was a little sore, and she just wasn't treated, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger. | ||
| So when she finally went to the doctor, they cut her foot off. | ||
| Ooh, God. | ||
| They cut a leg off. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Damn, that happens to a lot of people with diabetes. | ||
| That's so bad. | ||
| My mama and daddy had one leg. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They probably having bumping nubs now. | ||
| You know, it's a weird thing, the diabetes. | ||
| It's a scary one. | ||
| It doesn't sound like a disease until you fucking get sick from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, oh, I got diabetes. | ||
| It's almost like, oh, I got crabs. | ||
| As long as I maintain them, they won't kill me. | ||
| Well, that's what killed Patrice. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, overweight people. | ||
| Very, very similar. | ||
| All right, Joe. | ||
| Sitting there with nice chested ass talking about me and Red Band about to die. | ||
| I didn't say Red Band's about to die. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Just me? | ||
| Just me, Joe? | ||
| Well, that's why we're trying to get you a trainer. | ||
| Trying to make you not pour too much coffee, sugar in your coffee. | ||
| Well, what am I supposed to do with it? | ||
| With what? | ||
| Your coffee? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Put the buttercream you trying to get me? | ||
| The stevia stuff is good. | ||
| Man, that stuff is poison. | ||
| Stevia? | ||
| All of it. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| No, that's fake. | ||
| It's plant extract. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's not fake. | ||
| It's a plant extract. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Well, you know everything. | ||
| You read. | ||
| There's people that are concerned about stevia because they think that anything that's artificial gives your body this glucose response because it's not actually sugar that your body gets confused, but it's still better than diabetes. | ||
| Whatever that fake... | ||
| My take is, if you get cancer from stevia, there's something fucking wrong with you. | ||
| What? | ||
| Somebody just said something about Splendor. | ||
| They think Splendor is giving people counsel. | ||
| Well, they do all those fucking crazy studies. | ||
| One time they say, oh, get a mammogram every year. | ||
| Now they're saying you can go three years without worrying about your titties. | ||
| Three years. | ||
| Two, three years without getting a mammogram now. | ||
| That doesn't seem right. | ||
| Yes, some insurance only pays like every two, three years. | ||
| I go every year. | ||
| So the insurance company just doesn't want to pay for it. | ||
| Yeah, of course, because your titties ain't sick, you know. | ||
| How do they know your titties ain't sick? | ||
| How do they know, Ms. Pat, that your titties ain't sick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They ain't got no... | |
| Some little white dude want to save some money. | ||
| Hey, cut out the extra money for titties. | ||
| But what happens when your titties get sick and you ain't got shit to suck? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, so I take my titties in every year. | ||
| Good idea. | ||
| Aspartame is supposed to be really bad for you. | ||
| That shit was connected to Donald Rumsfeld had something to do with that shit getting passed. | ||
| Aspartame is terrible. | ||
| What is it in? | ||
| A lot of sweeteners, a lot of diet sodas and shit. | ||
| I don't drink diet sodas. | ||
| I've just been drinking water. | ||
| I love Chick-fil-A lemonade. | ||
| Chick-fil-A is good. | ||
| Chick-fil-A is the shit. | ||
| Everywhere I go, they Christian people that know how to make some good chicken. | ||
| And have you noticed their employees are never ugly? | ||
| At Chick-fil-A? They don't have ugly employees. | ||
| They leave them to McDonald's and churches and shit like that. | ||
| I never noticed that. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| I've never seen an ugly person at Chick-fil-A. Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They keep him in the back. | |
| Hmm. | ||
| My son, look, I love Chick-fil-A so much my 14-year-old son got a job there so I can get a discount. | ||
| You told him to get a job there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah! | |
| I took him up there, hire him. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He got a job. | ||
| How much of a discount? | ||
| Is it really worth your son working on Chick-fil-A? 20%? | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| When you go two, three times a day. | ||
| Well, what the fuck are you talking about this diet? | ||
| You're going to Chick-fil-A. They got grilled nuggets. | ||
| Oh, they got grilled nuggets. | ||
| So healthy. | ||
| This is definitely healthy. | ||
| Well, this is before I started exercising. | ||
| My son's been there almost a year now. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I see. | ||
| Teach him how to work. | ||
| Be a little for the discount, but more to let him know that to get anything in this world, you got to work for it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Including grilled nuggets. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| For mommy. | ||
| Get mommy a discount. | ||
| Yes, get mommy a discount. | ||
| Your first job is your mother's favorite restaurant. | ||
| Can you say that about yourself? | ||
| No, I cannot. | ||
| Okay, well, that's historical. | ||
| How do your kids feel about you being on TV and being a famous comedian now? | ||
| Oh, they love it in all the white neighborhoods. | ||
| They just love it. | ||
| Do they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They must, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's got to make them proud. | ||
| You know, I got two sets of kids, and I say this on stage. | ||
| I have a set of Medicaid kids and a set of Blue Cross Blue Shield kids. | ||
| And I have a great bit I'm working on about this. | ||
| But, you know, my Blue Cross Blue Shield kids live with me. | ||
| Like, my kids, like, my first kids grew up, they got free lunch, was on welfare. | ||
| You know, they was there with Mama with a struggle. | ||
| Well, Mama and Daddy, you know, now we're well off. | ||
| We're okay. | ||
| We ain't well off. | ||
| We're okay. | ||
| We ain't no real struggles like it used to be with my first son a kid. | ||
| So I call my Blue Cross Blue Shield kids, like, they won't eat free lunch. | ||
| They won't eat free lunch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Why not? | ||
| They said that's for poor people. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, they would not eat fucking free lunch. | ||
| And my daughter, now, I don't know if you got any teenagers, but my motherfucking teenagers don't have lost their mind. | ||
| She told me last week. | ||
| And you know... | ||
| I don't want to cuss my kids out because we live in the suburbs. | ||
| My daughter going to tell me, Mama, everybody come to school with a Starbucks cup. | ||
| I'm going to need you to take me to Starbucks at 640 so I can walk in school with a Starbucks cup. | ||
| I said, Motherfucker, you better go get you a cup now and put you some hot chocolate in that bitch. | ||
| When you get on that bus, it looks like you've been to Starbucks. | ||
| I ain't getting out my goddamn bed to take you to no Starbucks. | ||
| What the fuck you think I am? | ||
| I ain't that type of mama to make you look cool. | ||
| So everybody in school wants to look cool by walking to school with a Starbucks cup? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| All the white kids, parents, get up out of they fucking bed in Midwest in the snow and take they little white kids to Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts so they can be cool. | ||
| Look what I got. | ||
| Well, fuck you. | ||
| You better get you a cup and reuse that bitch and act like you've been to Starbucks every day. | ||
| I got plenty of hot chocolate in the kitchen. | ||
| Is it hot chocolate that these kids are getting, or is it coffee? | ||
| They get the mocha woka, all that old fancy shit, you know, the strawberry. | ||
| All that old fancy shit. | ||
| Super sweet. | ||
| Mocha woka. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Frappuccino. | |
| Frappuccino, that's what my daughter, I'm like, you already- Frappuccino, that's so much sugar. | ||
| Yes, and she already fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I'm like, you really don't need this bullshit. | |
| That shit is so bad for you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When people drink that and they think they're drinking coffee, like you're drinking a fucking shake. | ||
| It's a milkshake. | ||
| It's a shake. | ||
| If you go to my Starbucks in the morning or at 2.30 after the school's in, it's just a line up the door of kids. | ||
| Full of white kids. | ||
| I'm telling you, my daughter go up there to study. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I ain't never studied inside no restaurant. | ||
| A lot of people study at Starbucks. | ||
| Every time I go there, it's filled with laptops. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, and it's loud? | ||
| Well, they set up. | ||
| People wear headphones. | ||
| They set it up where they have these nice tables. | ||
| They have coffee right there, and it's free Wi-Fi. | ||
| And my daughter do study groups there. | ||
| And be like, pick me up from Starbucks. | ||
| I said, look, I'm not built like that. | ||
| Whoa, you're not built like a picker-upper from Starbucks? | ||
| No, I'm not a soccer mom. | ||
| I'm not hauling you any ugly-ass charging around. | ||
| You better walk your ass down the street, and I'll meet you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, she want me to do extra shit. | ||
| I don't want to do extra shit with your friends, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't want to do extra shit. | ||
| What do you mean by extra shit? | ||
| Pick them up for study group. | ||
| Them motherfuckers ain't studying. | ||
| You don't want to pick them up for study group because it's extra shit? | ||
| Yeah, because I'm in the house, probably in my underwear, watching TV. So you don't want to get out of your underwear to take your daughter to study? | ||
| My daughter's about to be 17 this month. | ||
| I done taught her to learn how to drive. | ||
| She said, I don't want to learn how to drive because technically you're responsible for me until I'm 18. You guys are having those kind of arguments? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Technically you're responsible? | ||
| She's telling you that you're... | ||
| That's a difference. | ||
| I'm becoming the Blue Cross Blue Shield kids. | ||
| This is the Blue Cross Blue shit. | ||
| My Medicaid kid would have walked fucking home. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So you're seeing the difference like a soft life. | ||
| A big difference. | ||
| A big difference. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's why you don't want to do that extra shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't want to do that extra shit. | |
| Like, I'm telling you, Joe, my husband, before my niece moved in, we would have to sit at the table. | ||
| My husband would say, you should allow the kids to vent. | ||
| Personally, I say, fuck you. | ||
| Allow them to vent? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We get at the table and hear what they did at school today. | ||
| I dropped out of school. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what you did at school. | ||
| You don't care what they did at school? | ||
| No! | ||
| They're not kindergarten. | ||
| They high schoolers. | ||
| They're not smoking weed. | ||
| Don't you want to talk to them? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't want to talk to them? | ||
| I talk to her every day. | ||
| Hey, bye. | ||
| I'm going to my room to get in the bed. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| You don't communicate? | ||
| Joe, my daughter go on and on and on about bullshit. | ||
| That's what kids do. | ||
| That's part of being a child. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And then such and such got arrested for smoking weed. | ||
| And then such and such is on pill. | ||
| I don't know them motherfuckers. | ||
| I personally don't care. | ||
| I got real shit. | ||
| Like I need to hit pay on my fucking computer to pay the bills. | ||
| I don't want to hear this bullshit you going through. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, such as such is having sex. | ||
| My daughter's still a virgin. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| But I'm like, if you would start fucking, you would have something to talk about. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I don't say that to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't say that to her. | |
| So if she starts fucking, then you'll talk to her about some shit? | ||
| No, I don't want her to start fucking. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| I don't want to talk to her, okay? | ||
| You don't want to talk to your kids. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| But my husband listened to that shit. | ||
| And yeah, papi, such and such got arrested. | ||
| They on pills. | ||
| They getting high. | ||
| So I asked, I said, are you getting high? | ||
| No matter what I'm saying, well, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Well, you're talking to kids. | ||
| That's part of raising kids. | ||
| You got to talk to them. | ||
| You just want to push them out the door. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Get the fuck out of my house. | ||
| My husband listened. | ||
| He's very patient. | ||
| We have to set up. | ||
| Because your husband, this is his first set of kids and your second set of kids. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So we get at the dinner table, and my daughter wanna just go on and on and on. | ||
| That's what kids do, though. | ||
| They're developing human beings. | ||
| I was told, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You were told shut the fuck up, but you were also... | ||
| But I don't say shut the fuck up. | ||
| But you know all the different cycles that we talked about that you broke? | ||
| I know, but come on, Joe. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| You really don't want to hear the bullshit, but you do it because you're faking the parenthood. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean, I listen, but I don't respond. | ||
| In my head, I'm like, you can't shut the fuck up. | ||
| Nobody want to hear this fucking high school shit. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You're talking to their human beings. | ||
| That's what they're going through. | ||
| I don't say this to her. | ||
| Of course, it's not high school shit to them. | ||
| It's their little wives. | ||
| It ain't no fucking life. | ||
| Your mom and daddy pay for your food. | ||
| We pay for everything. | ||
| I mean, all you're doing is living and making decent grades. | ||
| No, they're alive. | ||
| They're experiencing life. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| What do you mean, yeah, okay? | ||
| Everybody wasn't raised like you. | ||
| You're reacting to the way you were raised, and you're expecting your kids to realize you were raised in a harsh environment, and your other kids lived a harsher life than they're living, and they should just shut the fuck up. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| I don't say that to them. | ||
| But that is what you're saying. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I don't want to hear that bullshit. | ||
| I don't want to hear no high school shit, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's part of life. | |
| I know. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| She ain't going to listen to this podcast. | ||
| I don't want to hear that bullshit. | ||
| I mean, I can't even relate to your friend getting high. | ||
| I don't know your fucking friend. | ||
| Well, don't you... | ||
| I mean, look. | ||
| If you were talking to her and she was five years old and she was telling me these stories, would you have the same reaction? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would be concerned. | |
| Right, you'd be concerned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But at 16, you're like, you're on your own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I mean, I listen, but I don't want to hear it. | ||
| I'm saying, I don't want to hear the bullshit about who's getting high, who's having sex, and who this. | ||
| All she's doing is telling other people business. | ||
| But don't you want to talk to her about life? | ||
| I do talk to her about life. | ||
| So you do talk to her about different shit? | ||
| Well, you know, I'll tell you this. | ||
| With my second set of kids, my daughter is attached to her daddy. | ||
| I mean, he's the world to her. | ||
| So she don't really come to me. | ||
| We got that bond where we deal with each other, but we really don't get along. | ||
| We're the same people. | ||
| She's very fucking funny. | ||
| She's very snappy. | ||
| My daughter thinks she's smarter than me. | ||
| And to her, she is smarter than me because I didn't have no kids at 15. I didn't drop out of school. | ||
| I didn't sell drugs. | ||
| You know, she got a better life. | ||
| So in her head, she know more shit than I do. | ||
| Let her tell it. | ||
| She's smarter than me. | ||
| So I don't fuck with her. | ||
| You know, I don't talk to her that much. | ||
| So she judges you by all your past failures? | ||
| I think she judges me. | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| I shouldn't even say failures. | ||
| Like if she's talking about something, like she was talking one day about history. | ||
| And if I don't know something, I'm not ashamed. | ||
| I say I don't fucking know it. | ||
| That's what Miss Troop taught me. | ||
| You know, if you don't know, then tell a person you don't know. | ||
| The dumbest question is the question I ask is what I was taught. | ||
| So she was talking something about history, and I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| She was like, how dare you not know this? | ||
| I'm like, uh, bitch. | ||
| This is what I say to myself. | ||
| You know, I got mad because I'm like, if I knew it, I wouldn't ask you. | ||
| She said, how dare you not know? | ||
| Yeah, how dare you not know this? | ||
| What was it that you were talking about? | ||
| She was talking about history, something about Hitler. | ||
| I mean, Ari is the first Jew friend that I really knew. | ||
| I mean, Jews, the black people, it's just Jesus Christ. | ||
| We thought he was the only Jew in the whole world. | ||
| So when you talk to her about Hitler and you don't understand... | ||
| Well, she was talking to her father about history that day. | ||
| And then she said something and she looked at me and said, what you know about history? | ||
| And I said, I know three motherfuckers got killed in Chicago last night. | ||
| And she's like, that's not history? | ||
| I said, where I'm from? | ||
| And she didn't like it. | ||
| She got mad at you? | ||
| Well, she kind of got mad, so she thinks she's smarter. | ||
| So I asked her. | ||
| She was like, I'm so much smarter than you. | ||
| She said that to you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I said, no, you're not. | ||
| You can't turn cocaine into crack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| You told her that? | ||
| That's what you said to her? | ||
| And my husband was like, don't say that to the babies. | ||
| I'm like, this motherfucker 250 pounds. | ||
| This ain't no baby. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This motherfucker 250 pounds. | ||
| This ain't no baby. | ||
| That's the openness is in my house. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should bring her next time. | |
| Oh, Joe, you would love her. | ||
| You would love her because she's... | ||
| I'm telling you, Joe. | ||
| There will be no 15-year-olders on this podcast. | ||
| No, she's 16. She's 17. I don't give a fuck if she's 20. There'll be no under 21 on this podcast ever. | ||
| No, you would love her because she know everything you know. | ||
| I do not want to hear you. | ||
| She go on and on and on. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I tell you, she's so fucking funny. | ||
| You think she'll be a comic? | ||
| I want her to be. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| She told me the other day, actually, she can write jokes. | ||
| She'd give me, if I'm working on something, she'd say, what do you think about this? | ||
| So I'm in the car the other day, and she said, Mama, you remember the time I wanted you to go to the Children's Museum with me in Indianapolis? | ||
| And I was like, yes, I couldn't go because I had a gig. | ||
| And she said, at that museum, it was crazy. | ||
| I said, what? | ||
| Each hallway represented a time in history. | ||
| Like, they started like at the 50s, 60s. | ||
| So, you know, the whole segregation shit, you know, white people skiing black people down the street. | ||
| And then she said they had this little black man hanging. | ||
| And then she said, did you know the KKK had albums? | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| They're like, yeah, they made music. | ||
| And they're like, keep the race, keep black people, you know, all this bullshit. | ||
| Whatever she was telling me. | ||
| Then she said she got to the 70th Hall. | ||
| It was an LSD. She said she got to the 80th. | ||
| It was a term of rap music and crack epidemic and, you know, teenage pregnancy. | ||
| And then she said she got to the last hall when they got on the way out the door. | ||
| It was Obama. | ||
| And she said all her white friends was like, oh, this is the worst hallway. | ||
| And she was like, oh, did you not see that black man back there? | ||
| This is the worst hallway because Obama's in it? | ||
| Yeah, it's because a lot of Republicans where we live at. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So they're upset that Obama's the president? | ||
| Yeah, and the kids are like, that's the worst hallway out of all of them. | ||
| And my daughter's like, did you not see that black man back there hanging and listening to that music? | ||
| She is so fucking funny, Joe. | ||
| And I said, you sure you was at a church and museum? | ||
| She said, when she saw the KKK hanging a black person, she's like, what kind of church and museum is this? | ||
| Ha ha ha ha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So she's just fucking funny. | ||
| Some of her white friends are like, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| She's like, don't be sorry for me. | ||
| That's your history. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yes, that's how funny she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of white people in the Midwest that are mad at Obama, huh? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They blame the country's woes on the president. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, I think with the whole Obama thing, I think some of them are just racist. | ||
| They don't want to have a black leader. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't like using the race card, because I say everybody ain't racist. | ||
| I say some people are just assholes. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| I truly believe that. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that actually are enjoying the fact that Obama is the president, so any problem the world has, they can blame on this black guy. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| I have a dentist. | ||
| I had a dentist in Indianapolis, right? | ||
| So, oh, Ms. Pat, I'm so Christian. | ||
| I believe in God. | ||
| Every time, I was probably his only... | ||
|
unidentified
|
White dude? | |
| White dude. | ||
| Probably his only black patient. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I know I was. | ||
| So I go in there because he coached my son basketball. | ||
| He coached my son football team. | ||
| Joe, I go in there. | ||
| All he want to do is talk about Obama. | ||
| I hate him and I hate him. | ||
| So I'm saying to myself, why am I going to keep letting you shoot me in my mouth and you get excited about Obama and give me too much pain medicine and kill me? | ||
| So I stopped going. | ||
| I said, because if you're a Christian, you don't supposed to hate, right? | ||
| But every time I come in there because I'm the only black patient, you always want to talk about Obama. | ||
| I said, I don't give a fuck about what Obama doing. | ||
| I said, he's doing like everybody else, fucking up. | ||
| They all fuckers in the end. | ||
| If you want to be technically, they all fuckers in the end. | ||
| No matter which way you vote, you're never going to be happy. | ||
| No one has ever been a president where everybody thought they did a good job. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| There's never been one. | ||
| Bill Clinton got his dick sucked. | ||
| Everybody had a problem with that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| You know Hillary was through sucking dick at the time. | ||
| Why are you going to knock a man for sucking dick? | ||
| Getting his dick sucked. | ||
| If somebody come out of my house and help me suck dick, I'm going to agree. | ||
| You can help me suck dick, just don't fuck him. | ||
| Just don't fuck him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How come? | ||
| You suck his dick, but you don't fuck him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a good girl. | |
| What is the rule there? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Please explain. | ||
| You just can't fuck him. | ||
| You can't fuck him. | ||
| Then you cross the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's rude. | |
| You sucking his dick, you doing stuff I really get tired of doing. | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| That's why Hillary didn't get upset. | ||
| Okay, bitch, you got a cigarette stuck up your ass. | ||
| I'm cool with that. | ||
| Imagine if that was the case, like, you know how you can go and get a massage and no one gets upset? | ||
| What'd you do after work today, honey? | ||
| Oh, I wouldn't go to massage. | ||
| Nobody gets mad at you. | ||
| But if you're like, I gotta get my dick sucked, like, whew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be beautiful. | ||
| What a beautiful world we would live in. | ||
| Yeah, and that's what I tell them, I say, nobody's, they're never gonna please us. | ||
| I watched a documentary, not a documentary, but a speech the other day that Monica Lewinsky gave about, you know, like being today, about, you know, all the people that judged her and she's still talking about time. | ||
| But I'm like, you're still talking about it today. | ||
| Like, that's like, like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Like, I understand it was a big moment for the country. | ||
| Beyonce put her in a song. | ||
| She did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A bunch of people put her in a song. | ||
| She was talking about that in the speech. | ||
| But it was just, something seemed like ridiculous that she's still talking about it. | ||
| Do you think being her that she... | ||
| I got extra practice trying to be the best dick sucker because she knows in the future every time she sucks a dick that's going to be a thing. | ||
| Oh, it has to be. | ||
| So now she's gagging and... | ||
| I mean, any guy that dates her, if she doesn't blow them, they're going to be so upset. | ||
| You blew the fucking president. | ||
| You won't blow me. | ||
| Everybody knows you suck dick. | ||
| It's a different. | ||
| That's the type of dick you suck. | ||
| Presidential dick. | ||
| Yeah, but then you know that the guy knows that he's like below the president. | ||
| But if she wouldn't have ran her mouth, she would have had so many perks. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| If she didn't run her mouth? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck she'd tell for. | ||
| What did you tell for? | ||
| Everybody be fucking a president or fucking in that White House. | ||
| Everybody cheat. | ||
| That's what they do when they go on them fucking meetings. | ||
| They all go out and buy pussy. | ||
| Tap their feet in the bathroom or do what they do. | ||
| Tap their feet in the bathroom. | ||
| Whatever the fuck they do. | ||
| That was that Larry Craig guy. | ||
| That was gay sex though. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| They go out and get what they like. | ||
| Gay sex in the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So, I mean, why you running your mouth? | ||
| Why did you run your mouth? | ||
| Did we really have to know that Bill Clinton fucked you, Monica Lewinsky? | ||
| I wouldn't have never fucking told. | ||
| Do you know she probably still could have been getting a chick on the side to this day? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You don't tell on them type of people. | ||
| You tell if you fuck Ray-Ban, you know. | ||
| Ray-Ban? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ray-Ban. | |
| You tell them some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sunglass boy. | |
| But you don't tell on a president. | ||
| That's the secret. | ||
| Well, I think she was telling her friend and her friend recorded the conversation. | ||
| Her friend threw her under the bus. | ||
| The ugly girl with the long nose. | ||
| Older lady who is angry. | ||
| Yeah, who wasn't getting no dick. | ||
| See, that's why I say if you are a single woman, you don't have bitches that don't have a man. | ||
| Because those are the ones that's always trying to tell you about your relationship. | ||
| Oh, you shouldn't take this. | ||
| Bitch, you ain't got no man. | ||
| Shut your lonely ass up. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| It's always the girls that have no men and have terrible relationships when they do have men. | ||
| They want to give their girlfriends some sort of... | ||
| Oh, Debbie says. | ||
| Oh, fucking Debbie says. | ||
| I have a friend like that always want to tell me, oh, you shouldn't take this. | ||
| Bitch, I've had health care for over 20 years. | ||
| You don't shut your Medicaid breath ass up. | ||
| You ain't got no man. | ||
| I tell people, I don't fuck with single people because they'll have you thinking their way. | ||
| Then you'll be up here a lonely old motherfucker. | ||
| Well, there's definitely some people that want people to break up because they're single. | ||
| That is a fact. | ||
| There's definitely people. | ||
| Or they want what you got. | ||
| There's that too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As soon as you leave them, then you look up and she blowing them. | ||
| Well, you told me not to accept it. | ||
| You told me not to give him head. | ||
| No, because this bitch was waiting in line to give him head. | ||
| I can't believe you're saying this. | ||
| What? | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| You don't tell nobody how good your man put it down. | ||
| You tell your girlfriend that, then her wheels get to spinning. | ||
| I might need to go try that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How common is that? | ||
| Very calm. | ||
| Amongst women, do you think women covet their friends' men? | ||
| Well, huh? | ||
| Do you think women covet their friends' men? | ||
| Like, you know, a girl that's hanging around with you, you're talking about your husband, she's like, hmm, I should get this one. | ||
| Yeah, if you say it's good, he can eat, yeah. | ||
| Eat pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stealing from Miss Pat. | ||
| You can't steal shit from me. | ||
| My husband ain't doing shit with me, so he ain't gonna do shit with you. | ||
| Have your ass watching Empire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| He got a job. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's the ones who are broke that you gotta keep an eye on, right? | ||
| The ones who sling that delicious broke dick. | ||
| Delicious broke black dick. | ||
| Ms. Pat, I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| This has been beautiful, though. | ||
| Thank you, thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| And your episode of This Is Not Happening happens next week. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Next Thursday. | ||
| The 26th. | ||
| Next Thursday, the 26th. | ||
| Is it on at 1230? | ||
| Is that what it's on? | ||
| Yeah, at night. | ||
| And I'm taking Marin's show this week. | ||
| Oh, IFC TV show? | ||
| Beautiful, beautiful. | ||
| People can get you a comedian, Ms. Pat, on Twitter. | ||
| We need to fucking get that other Ms. Pat. | ||
| I'm tired of spelling comedian wrong. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't believe in that word, by the way. | ||
| I don't believe in it. | ||
| It's like, comedian. | ||
| No, you're a fucking comic. | ||
| You're a goddamn stand-up comic, right? | ||
| Okay, Dana Jo. | ||
| You don't need to be a female comedian. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| That, like, categorizes you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I don't do no females copies, really. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're a fucking comic. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, right? | ||
| You need to just miss Pat. | ||
| M-S-P-A-T. There's some person that has it, and there's fucking, like, one tweet. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| They have no followers. | ||
| Their tweets are blocked, too. | ||
| You can't even read their tweets. | ||
| Probably because people are bombing on them. | ||
| Give Miss Pat her fucking name! | ||
| That's probably what's happening. | ||
| I'm going to look into that. | ||
| I didn't know you could do that. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Wednesday night sold out at the Ice House. | ||
| Very few tickets left for Thursday night at the Ice House. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This weekend, Portland, long sold out. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's some other dates that I put up on the books really recently. | ||
| Dallas, the Majestic Theater in Dallas. | ||
| That's coming up. | ||
| That is March 13th. | ||
| And then there's a New York City one that's in April. | ||
| Just figure that shit out on your own. | ||
| JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Brian, you got anything going on? | ||
| Vancouver 420. Vancouver 420. A good place to be on 420. Yeah. | ||
| I'm at Morty's Comedy Joint, March 26th through the 28th in Indianapolis. | ||
| Kapow! | ||
| And also I'm at the casino here. | ||
| God damn it, I don't forget the name. | ||
| Out here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Out here? | ||
| Chumash? | ||
| No, Congo or some shit. | ||
| Congo? | ||
| Morongo? | ||
| Morongo! | ||
| When's that? | ||
| Friday. | ||
| This Friday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This week? | |
| What is your website? | ||
| MsPatComedy.com. | ||
| MsPatComedy.com. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And I'm coming to see you Wednesday. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Thank you, my friend. | ||
| Thank you, baby. | ||
| MsPat, ladies and gentlemen. |
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