Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
That's how I like to open up my show. | ||
Dude, you're fucking... | ||
These Instagram things that you're doing, these Hong Dynasty things, what are you doing? | ||
That shit is hilarious. | ||
You and Bobby Lee and these 15-second clips. | ||
I'm hooked. | ||
I don't know what you're doing, but I'm laughing my dick off. | ||
I mean, first of all, people always like to... | ||
Like, it's publicly known that I'm wealthy because of the New York Times and all the shit that came out. | ||
The Facebook stuff. | ||
Yeah, so people always like, whenever I do anything to preface it with, well, if I was rich, or if I had your fuck you money, or if, you know, and I go, this shit, most of everything I do costs little or nothing. | ||
Like, the Hong Dynasty is, okay, so Instagram comes out, and what, Vine is like 7 seconds, right? | ||
I don't have Vine, but Vine is 7 seconds, Instagram is 15 seconds. | ||
We're old guys. | ||
When I go hang out with my nephews and stuff, and they're like teenagers, they won't even watch a one-minute YouTube clip. | ||
It's true, right? | ||
If it doesn't get their attention, they'll watch it with the bar, just fast-forward, fast-forward, you know? | ||
So I said, let's just fuck around. | ||
We filmed this thing on our iPhone, and it's just, you know, Bobby Lee's actually an actor. | ||
You know what? | ||
Before we get started, let me just say, I was on Joe's show last time, and it ended with me saying... | ||
It was a dumb idea, but I was like... | ||
I'm extremely unhealthy. | ||
I'm out of shape. | ||
I have mercury poisoning, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, all that shit. | ||
I just got diabetes. | ||
What? | ||
unidentified
|
You have diabetes? | |
Whatever. | ||
Everyone's going to have it soon. | ||
What did I say? | ||
I was going to spend a year to get trained and I want to have a UFC fight or some shit like that. | ||
You were explaining to me how dumb it was? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Bobby Lee's brother, Steve Lee, who's 40 years old, who's one of those guys, he's like a thousand times funnier than Bobby without trying. | ||
Bobby's like a professional comedian. | ||
Steve's just a funny, crazy guy. | ||
He's got sort of an Al Bondi thing where he's 40 and he talks about how he could have been state champ if he just did this one-arm bar or something. | ||
And he used to work at this place, Fat Sal's in Hollywood, part-time as a sandwich guy. | ||
And I hired him to be on my show full-time. | ||
And he started slacking. | ||
It was what I thought would happen. | ||
And I said, all right. | ||
You and me are going to go into this room and we're going to wrestle. | ||
And you're basically wrestling for your job. | ||
You're doing wrestling and I'm doing judo. | ||
And I outweigh him by 60 pounds. | ||
He's like a little, tiny Asian guy. | ||
And I'm like, yeah, I used to do judo. | ||
And my friend was like, dude, don't underestimate him because he was almost state champ. | ||
I'm like, that was over 20 years ago. | ||
But yeah, those little wrestling guys, you know? | ||
You can't fuck with them. | ||
And then his brother was the referee. | ||
So Bobby says, Dave, my brother, you know, he's like very relaxed and lazy about things until you challenge his pussy or money. | ||
So Steve, you know, Steve's on the Hong Dynasty. | ||
He's like a fucking, you know, he's a crazy guy. | ||
He's always good natured. | ||
He's always funny. | ||
When I told him, like, if you don't win this, you're going back to Fat Sal's. | ||
And the job he has for me right now is like, They're like, what do you need to hire Steve Lee for? | ||
What does he do? | ||
I'm like, I literally send him all over the world to fuck as many whores as possible. | ||
That's his job? | ||
That's his job right now. | ||
Having sex with prostitutes? | ||
Yeah, I send him, like, him, basically him and this guy, Bill Poon. | ||
He's 53 years old. | ||
I sent them to Macau. | ||
They're the Macau brothers now. | ||
And Bill, on his normal job, when he's not on my show, is he drives hookers around. | ||
He's the number one whore transporter in Los Angeles. | ||
I think he put 290,000 miles on his Prius. | ||
And I said, do the math, and he has delivered 6,000 hookers to their Johns. | ||
Wow. | ||
And I go, that makes you the number one whore transporter. | ||
Maybe there's a guy out there that's just fucking doing meth and staying up all night and just trying to break that record. | ||
Well, he has his archenemy and everything. | ||
You have an archenemy? | ||
There's another guy? | ||
Yeah, there's another guy. | ||
But he's like, what's that movie? | ||
The Transporter? | ||
Oh, the Jason Statham guy? | ||
He never tries to fuck the hookers. | ||
He's serious about it. | ||
He's got baby wipes and condoms. | ||
He takes the job seriously. | ||
He does any creepy shit. | ||
So him and Steve... | ||
I go, hey, you guys, you know, everyone hears stories about, like, the underground sex world in Macau and this. | ||
Why don't you go and investigate? | ||
And by investigate, I mean fuck all of them and... | ||
So I send them to Macau. | ||
We record the whole thing. | ||
That's going to be called the Macau Brothers, and we're going to put that up on DVD, ASA, whatever. | ||
So go back to this wrestling match. | ||
Okay, so... | ||
So you guys, is it a submission thing? | ||
Is it pins? | ||
Well, that's why. | ||
I'm not a wrestler. | ||
I'm a judo guy. | ||
So Bobby used to wrestle too, so he's like, I'll be the referee. | ||
And yeah, whoever gets the first person down, submit, whatever, they win, you know? | ||
But what is whatever? | ||
Like, is it to tap out? | ||
Because if you get a jujitsu guy down, that doesn't mean jack shit. | ||
That's when the game starts. | ||
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
But a judo guy is all about... | ||
What do you call it? | ||
Yippon? | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
When you slam a guy? | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was just, I guess, whoever gets someone in a hold that they can't get out of or something. | ||
Undefined. | ||
Undefined victories. | ||
Yeah, because just no punching or kicking. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay, okay. | |
Just grappling. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And so... | ||
Yeah, him working for me is not like sweeping the floor or whatever. | ||
Him working for me is getting to fuck really hot chicks. | ||
It's a great gig. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Essentially. | ||
His face changes. | ||
Because I'm like... | ||
And I'm like, I'm probably still giving him his job even if... | ||
Right. | ||
And I go, I'm just... | ||
All I'm going to do is let him fuck... | ||
He's like, you know, half of my size. | ||
Like Bobby's size. | ||
Yeah, but like way skinnier. | ||
And I go, I'll just let him fuck around and then I'll just flatten him and it'll look funny, you know? | ||
In less than a minute he took me out. | ||
I go, if you don't win right now, you fucker, you're losing your job. | ||
He goes red zone. | ||
His face... | ||
And I go, oh, fuck, dude. | ||
This guy's serious. | ||
And then he comes at me and he's small, but then he just grabs my arm or something, gets me down, and I'm like, oh, whatever. | ||
And then I can't get out of it. | ||
And then he just puts all of his might into this hole and I'm just sitting there and I can't get out of it. | ||
And I'm like... | ||
You know, also Akira, she's just like, I've never seen you look more like a pussy in your life. | ||
And I was sitting there thinking, fuck, dude, I remember I told Joe that I was going to do this shit. | ||
People have that glamorous idea that they're going to go and have an MMA fight. | ||
And I would never discourage anybody from being an MMA fighter. | ||
I think you live and you die. | ||
If you want to be a bull rider, if you want to ride motocross, if you want to drive Formula One race cars... | ||
All those things are dangerous. | ||
All those things are awesome. | ||
You know, live your life, man. | ||
I fought. | ||
I did it. | ||
It's not... | ||
I mean, I fought in Taekwondo and I kickboxed. | ||
It's fucking stupid. | ||
I did it for free. | ||
There was no money involved in it. | ||
I had no insurance. | ||
I had no health insurance. | ||
So I would never tell someone, don't do anything dangerous. | ||
But you can't... | ||
I don't think you should dabble in that. | ||
That's something like... | ||
There's dudes that are doing it that I know that are trying to make it in the UFC or have made it into the UFC that that's their fucking whole life, man. | ||
They get up in the morning. | ||
They're doing their strength and conditioning. | ||
They're running. | ||
They're drinking wheatgrass juice and they're fucking taking all their amino acids. | ||
You're right, Joe. | ||
I'm not going to dabble. | ||
They made UFC their life. | ||
I'm going to make a serious commitment to my diabetes. | ||
I'm going to make that my life. | ||
I'm going to eat donuts. | ||
I'm going to fucking... | ||
Do you really have diabetes? | ||
I was pre-diabetic for the last four years. | ||
Just crossed over the line? | ||
Yeah, I just crossed over and he's like, dude, with lots of complete nutritional diet change and lots of exercise, he's like, you can go back to not having diabetes, but... | ||
Whatever. | ||
You would rather not? | ||
You'd rather just take insulin and just eat donuts? | ||
I know, it's horrible. | ||
That's so bad. | ||
Well, they say 50% of everyone that's being born in America today will have diabetes. | ||
Why don't you do this? | ||
Since we're on the show, you and I are talking, and we're friends. | ||
Why don't you hire someone? | ||
See, you got boatloads of cash. | ||
Hire someone to concoct a diet for you, to feed you. | ||
Hire someone that's a nutritionist that is going to concoct really healthy meals. | ||
All day long, really low sugar, and you'll cure that shit within a few months. | ||
I mean, you just met him right now, first of all. | ||
Critter? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Critter's gonna do it? | ||
Well, this is what happens. | ||
When I made my money, naturally I just don't trust people. | ||
So I made the... | ||
Naturally before or after? | ||
Just always. | ||
I just don't trust people. | ||
So I just made the rookie mistake. | ||
You've heard the expression before, don't hire your friends and family. | ||
Yes. | ||
And I hired only my friends and family. | ||
And I was like, you know... | ||
Hey, I don't know how to work a camera. | ||
I don't care. | ||
You're my cousin. | ||
I just wanted everyone around me to be someone I trusted. | ||
And you don't get the level of work that... | ||
I work every night till 7, 8 in the morning still. | ||
I don't have to, but I do. | ||
And without even... | ||
Because there's always, in the back of their mind, they're like, Dave's not going to fire me. | ||
He's my cousin or he's my best friend. | ||
And then I was just sitting there going... | ||
How come I do have all this money and I hired all these guys and I'm overpaying the shit out of them and like I'm still at the office by myself, you know? | ||
So I fired everyone. | ||
I only hired people that are not my friends and white and I said no more Asians. | ||
I'm only hiring white people. | ||
Oh man, that's crazy racist. | ||
Yeah, very racist. | ||
But Asians are very hard workers as long as they're not your family. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I just wanted to... | ||
First of all, yeah, it's very racist. | ||
But it's okay because you're... | ||
I want to try something different. | ||
I already rode the yellow train. | ||
I want to get on the white train, you know? | ||
And so I hired people that I'm not friends... | ||
I'm friendly with, but they're not my homies. | ||
And then they were hired for specifically what their job was. | ||
Like, if you're... | ||
A trainer, then that's what I, you know, I'm not like, hey, I know you're not a trainer, but just do it. | ||
Right. | ||
And I found out with this next phase of the experiment that I immediately, like, befriended all of them. | ||
Like, now they're all my best friends again. | ||
And even if I, like, Critter, you know, I said, listen, I have diabetes. | ||
I, you know, and he's also my bodyguard, which everyone thinks is a joke, which it is most of the time. | ||
But, you know, weird shit happens once in a while. | ||
And I said, look, I love eating. | ||
I'm friends with lots of chefs. | ||
You know, I go to a lot of restaurants. | ||
You know, I love, I have a piece of me that's like, just having no money and going to a restaurant, a nice restaurant for the first time, and just like having that snooty, you know, looking at sushi menu and going like, what's MP? Like, I didn't know because I've never been there. | ||
And they're like, that's market price, sir. | ||
And I'm like, well, Well, how the fuck am I supposed... | ||
Right. | ||
Okay, so this toro, what is that? | ||
They're like, it's the fattest part of the tuna, and it's $60 a piece. | ||
You mean for the two pieces? | ||
No, no, no, for one piece. | ||
And I'm like, $120 for two tiny fucking pieces of fish? | ||
But, you know, I didn't have any money. | ||
I'm like, I'm not going to get that. | ||
And they're like, yeah, if you have to ask, then you can't afford it. | ||
And so now I have the money, and I go in there, yeah, motherfucker, give me a hundred toro. | ||
What? | ||
I'm like, give me the whole fucking fish! | ||
And then it's like, oh, tuna has the most amount of mercury. | ||
And, you know, the doctor checks my blood and he's like, you have so much mercury in your fucking blood, you know? | ||
Is that really, that really happened to you? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Have you eaten that much sushi that you were getting mercury pollution? | ||
Well, I thought, I thought it was healthy. | ||
You know, the oceans are polluted, the shit are polluted. | ||
unidentified
|
They're polluted. | |
They're full of radioactive waste and all this shit. | ||
And I'm like, yeah, I'm not eating hamburgers anymore. | ||
And every meal costs $500. | ||
I'm rich, motherfucker. | ||
And it's like moderation for everything. | ||
You can't eat fish every day. | ||
I was starting to get, what was it? | ||
God damn it. | ||
I forget the poisoning that I was getting from sardines. | ||
Yeah, sardines have tons of... | ||
Arsenic. | ||
Yeah, I was getting arsenic. | ||
Sardines have tons of that shit. | ||
It was a small amount. | ||
It's a heavy metal. | ||
They're eating at the bottom of the ocean. | ||
It's just fucking garbage down there. | ||
And once that shit gets in your blood, it takes forever to get out. | ||
It didn't take long. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, I got rid of the arsenic in a short amount of time. | ||
I just stopped eating sardines. | ||
Oh. | ||
I was eating them every day. | ||
Wow. | ||
Yeah. | ||
White trash. | ||
I like sardines. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I just love sardines. | ||
Well, I don't know about the arsenic, but they said, I just, because my hair started falling out, and I couldn't, you know, I'm like, I'm still relatively young, but I just- So the mercury was making your hair fall? | ||
Well, it said for mercury poisoning, it's like memory loss. | ||
And like, it's like, I'm like, I have the same memory as my like 70 year old father who's like, well, you know, I'm like, people will do that. | ||
Hey Dave, you just told that story. | ||
And I'm like, I'm like, really? | ||
And I'm like, fuck. | ||
And it's like, I know that like, it's like when you know something, but you're feeling really dumb and I'm like, why? | ||
Where's, what's this block? | ||
And they're like, dude, your blood is like just full of it. | ||
So, wow. | ||
So I told Critter, I said, listen, I need the kind of trainer that physically abuses me. | ||
Like, you can put a finger in my ass if you have to. | ||
He has huge hands. | ||
I said, here's the key. | ||
I don't think that's necessary. | ||
I said, here's the key to my house. | ||
You need a salad. | ||
Every single... | ||
I know, but I go, I don't have that kind of discipline because I don't drink. | ||
I don't do drugs. | ||
And so food is my vice. | ||
Especially since I don't gamble anymore. | ||
And it's like, I love to eat. | ||
And I love to eat late at night. | ||
I like to have dinner number two, dinner number three. | ||
So I said, here's the key to my house. | ||
Every single day, I'm going to come up with some excuse to not work out. | ||
Oh, I got to fuck this girl, or I have a really important meeting with Joe Rogan. | ||
It's like, I don't care. | ||
You have permission to come into my house, physically drag me out of my bed, punch me in my chest, and get me to work out because I'm not going to want to. | ||
He's a big dude. | ||
You don't want to punch him. | ||
This is the best part. | ||
Everyone's like, you have a bodyguard? | ||
What a joke. | ||
You have a bodyguard? | ||
And I go, yeah. | ||
In the last year, my two major injuries are from him. | ||
Like, he almost broke my neck and he broke... | ||
My rib's broken right now. | ||
He broke my rib, like, two weeks ago when he just... | ||
I don't know what that syndrome is, like when a parent loves their baby so much that they shake it and the baby dies. | ||
Because he has the weekends off, so when I see him, he sees me and he picks me up and he always hugs me. | ||
He broke your ribs by shaking you? | ||
Well, he hugged me and he was shaking me, and while he was shaking me, my friend David Chang tripped him. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
But then he fell on top of me. | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
Eddie's a big guy, so I'm like, yeah, my bodyguard that I paid to protect me hurts me. | ||
Broke your ribs and almost broke your neck. | ||
How did he almost break your neck? | ||
Just when he shakes me, it's so violent that I'm like, I feel like those Steven Seagal movies, like, dude, one jerk and my neck's gonna snap. | ||
And he did it, and I couldn't turn my head this way for like two weeks, and I was like, can you protect me and not hurt me? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Whatever. | ||
What you need is someone who's a dietician. | ||
Someone who's going to be... | ||
You can hire a professional chef. | ||
Kevin James used to have this guy who worked for him. | ||
It was fantastic. | ||
He had this guy working for him all day. | ||
The guy would cook all these meals, and he would leave pre-prepared, really healthy meals in his refrigerator. | ||
Then he hired some woman to do it after that. | ||
Alright, so I did that for a little bit. | ||
I got this... | ||
See? | ||
This is what I'm talking about. | ||
I don't remember the name of the service, but they deliver the meal every day. | ||
Okay, there's a bunch of those. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Susan's Healthy Gourmet is one that I used for a while. | ||
It's like... | ||
Yeah, and I'm like, cool. | ||
First of all, I was miserable. | ||
The meal started to stack up in the... | ||
In the refrigerator, it's like, oh, like, like, inside I'd be like, oh, cool, I did it. | ||
I'm on this program. | ||
Right, but you weren't really eating it. | ||
But then I'd look at it, or I'd look, or I'd eat it and go, oh, cool, I ate good today. | ||
And then, like, at three in the morning, still go out and get the burrito. | ||
And, um... | ||
So the thing I'm doing now, which I already can see, it's horrible, and everyone says it doesn't work, but now I'm sort of stuck in this weird thing. | ||
It's like the whole I want... | ||
I'm like, no one's like, diets aren't going to work, right? | ||
This has to be a lifestyle change. | ||
You can't go for three months eating salads and then be like, hey, I got my weight down, I got my cholesterol down, I got my diabetes down, and then going back to it. | ||
But I'm like, but I love food. | ||
I love eating. | ||
And so the thing I'm doing now, which I didn't put too much research into, is chewing and spitting. | ||
I know guys who did that with meat. | ||
There's some MMA fighters. | ||
Like, Diego Sanchez was doing that for a while. | ||
He wouldn't eat meat. | ||
He would just chew it up and spit it. | ||
It's horrible for you. | ||
Is it really? | ||
It's horrible for you. | ||
Because first of all, so you get like... | ||
Stomach acids? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'll order like three entrees. | ||
I'll get spaghetti, fried chicken, steak. | ||
I'll get pie. | ||
I'll order everything. | ||
It's just like Roman times gluttony to the max, right? | ||
And I'll have like... | ||
The worst is if it's at a nice restaurant because then they don't have the... | ||
They have like cloth napkins. | ||
And I'm like, can you bring some more of those paper napkins? | ||
And I'm sitting there... | ||
And I'm like, and I'm just chewing everything, getting all the flavor out of it. | ||
And then I'm spitting it, which the mouth, as soon as it starts chewing and making saliva, the stomach starts making acid to prepare for the food to come down. | ||
But if the food never comes down, there's just like acid in your stomach, you know? | ||
And also, when you eat, all the sugar already goes into your, like, before it hits your stomach, you know? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
So I'm eating all this food at nice restaurants and chewing it and spitting it in the napkins and then putting it on the plate and then the dude comes, is there something wrong with the meal? | ||
I'm like, no, no, it's delicious. | ||
It's fucking amazing. | ||
You're looking for shortcuts, bro. | ||
I'm looking for shortcuts. | ||
You can't do that. | ||
Why don't you just hire a real trainer? | ||
Not Critter, but hire someone who's a real, legit strength and conditioning trainer who's going to put you through some stuff. | ||
If you really want to do something that's fun, you should take a martial art. | ||
Yeah, I guess. | ||
I mean, you did judo. | ||
Why don't you get into jujitsu? | ||
I think I need a hot chick. | ||
How would that work? | ||
For the trainer, because then I'll be motivated. | ||
Oh, but then you're just going to want to fuck her. | ||
And then if you can't fuck her, you want to bring other girls hotter around to show her that you can fuck them. | ||
Like, listen, bitch. | ||
I can fuck them. | ||
Why can't I fuck you? | ||
And then it'll become some weird ego thing. | ||
Joe, having an eating disorder is the number one thing to bond with hot chicks, because they all have one. | ||
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
I'm like, should I go anorexic or chewing and spitting or bulimia? | ||
And they're like, well, I tried bulimia. | ||
I'm like, cool, I'm bonding. | ||
It's like, all of a sudden, this super boring, dumb girl is like, oh, yes! | ||
But a lot of CrossFit chicks, they don't have eating disorders. | ||
If you get a strength and conditioning type gal... | ||
You're right, Joe. | ||
I do have buttloads of money. | ||
I gotta figure out... | ||
Not a shortcut. | ||
I just need to figure out to make... | ||
Not cure cancer, not cure AIDS, some kind of delicious food that you can eat every day. | ||
You can't do that. | ||
This is the thing. | ||
The more you suffer, the more you'll enjoy pleasure. | ||
You are a glutton for pleasure, my friend. | ||
You love the pleasure. | ||
Check this out. | ||
So my Japanese business partner, I work with this company, Good Smile... | ||
It's not legal in America yet, but he smokes, he drinks, he eats all this shit. | ||
I don't even know what this process is called. | ||
You might have heard of it. | ||
But once a month, this is like real rich guy shit, he gets a lot of his blood taken out, and then they do shit to it. | ||
They make it into super blood, and then he puts it back into him. | ||
And then everything goes down. | ||
And I go, what is that? | ||
And they're like, it's not... | ||
It's not FDA, whatever, tested. | ||
It's not in America yet, and so... | ||
I do this thing called Regenikine, and I had it done today, actually. | ||
My shoulder's been bothering me. | ||
They take your blood out, and they spin it in a centrifuge and apply heat to it, and so your blood thinks like it has a fever. | ||
And it creates this anti-inflammatory response, and it creates this yellow serum, and then they extract the yellow serum out of your blood, and then they inject it directly into areas where you have inflammation. | ||
It's really good for injuries, but it's also, like, when you do it, like I did it today, your energy, you just feel great! | ||
You feel great right now. | ||
Yeah, Dana White told me about it, because he has an inner ear infection, an issue rather, called Meniere's disease. | ||
And it's from, he got beat up one time when he was young by a bunch of guys, and he gets this tinnitus ringing in his ear, and it fucks with his balance and shit. | ||
And it's all inflammation. | ||
Well, they figured out a way to inject this serum made out of your blood, and it totally cured it for him. | ||
He went through surgeries. | ||
He was on medication. | ||
He did a bunch of shit that really fucked with him. | ||
But this stuff, instead of fucking with him, it uses your own blood, and it made him feel fantastic. | ||
And he used to have to go to Germany for it. | ||
And I was going to fly to Germany to go do this, but then they started opening these places around. | ||
Now they have one, Lifespan Medicine in Santa Monica. | ||
I did it this morning. | ||
Well, this is what I'm talking about, Joe. | ||
It's like, I get the whole, like, you need to suffer to, like, you know, but... | ||
But that's for injuries. | ||
I know, but it's like... | ||
Do you have any injuries you could use as an excuse to get this? | ||
I'm just saying, like, the way technology is going now, like, you're covered in tattoos, but, like, you know in five years they're going to have some ray that just gets rid of all your tattoos. | ||
They already do. | ||
They have Right, but it's not good right now. | ||
Well, it's painful. | ||
But it'll get, and they'll make it so it's not, you know, they're gonna have everything soon, you know? | ||
So I'm like, do I need to, like, really switch my eating habits? | ||
Or are they gonna make, like, a, you know, some Oculus Rift fake hamburger where I'm like, oh, yeah, it's delicious, and, you know, I don't know. | ||
This is my take on it. | ||
I think gluttony and eating, like, lots of delicious food is fun. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
But feeling like shit is not fun. | ||
And what I like to do is have cheat days. | ||
What I like to do is I eat real, like, this is what I've eaten today so far. | ||
I had a blended juice drink, which was like celery, ginger, carrot, cucumber. | ||
I'm trying to remember all that. | ||
Cayenne pepper, oregano oil, lemon, all this stuff. | ||
Fantastic for you, right? | ||
That's what I had for breakfast. | ||
The only thing I ate this morning is two-day unshaved pussy lips and slight hint of urinary tract infection. | ||
That's the only thing I ate today. | ||
And I feel great. | ||
I don't know if you're going to feel great in a couple of hours once the fucking infection kicks in. | ||
I got an iron stomach. | ||
But I will go to fucking In-N-Out Burger, man. | ||
I'll fuck up. | ||
I had Popeye's chicken last night, dude. | ||
And so, because you ate that, that's why you gotta eat this weird ginger drink this morning. | ||
Well, because I eat primarily healthy. | ||
Right. | ||
Primarily healthy. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
But then occasionally I go off the rails. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
But most of the time, my body's getting healthy food. | ||
Right. | ||
That's the key, because you feel better, man. | ||
And you feel good. | ||
You'll feel better. | ||
I feel great. | ||
You'll feel better. | ||
You'll have more energy. | ||
I drink these blended kale shakes in the morning. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I make them myself. | ||
I throw kale. | ||
Kale tastes like shit. | ||
Tastes like shit. | ||
Why don't you use spinach? | ||
You can do that, too. | ||
But I like kale. | ||
Okay. | ||
It's a superfood. | ||
Spinach is a superfood, too. | ||
They're all good. | ||
Kale's hip. | ||
Kale's hip right now. | ||
It's fucking strong. | ||
It's got a lot of nutrients in it. | ||
It's really good for you. | ||
What's better, kale or spinach? | ||
Probably... | ||
Probably kale because it's a little darker, a little greener. | ||
That's the key. | ||
Like dark green leafy vegetables. | ||
They have phytonutrients and all sorts of vitamins and stuff. | ||
And you get something out of them. | ||
First of all, when I eat them, I'll have a bowl like this high. | ||
I'm pointing to about 10 inches. | ||
Like a big fucking salad bowl that you would give to a family. | ||
Like, oh, here's our salad. | ||
And everybody would take a portion. | ||
I'd blend that whole motherfucker up and I'd drink that shit myself. | ||
Wow. | ||
With four cloves of garlic. | ||
I throw a whole apple in there. | ||
Ginger. | ||
I throw a chunk of ginger. | ||
Right. | ||
Like a thumb-sized chunk of ginger. | ||
Everybody else who tastes it goes, what the fuck are you drinking? | ||
But dude, I throw that shit down and it's like rocket fuel. | ||
You feel great. | ||
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
I feel fucking fantastic. | ||
It's better than coffee. | ||
I have like a chorizo bacon burger. | ||
I have that too, though! | ||
And then I take the top bun off and I go, yes, I'm doing good today. | ||
Yeah, you got rid of that gluten. | ||
And then I feel supercharged to take a nap. | ||
I'm like, yes! | ||
You know, I think you're enjoying your success, and you're enjoying your wealth, and you're enjoying pleasure. | ||
And that's a part of who you are. | ||
And that's also, I think, one of the things about artists is artists are very indulgent. | ||
I'm feeling that about my comedian friends. | ||
You think so? | ||
Yeah, you're very indulgent. | ||
And very self-destructive. | ||
You're a natural comedian. | ||
You are a natural stand-up comedian. | ||
You did a thing at... | ||
Was it at UCLA? Yeah. | ||
You did a thing at UCLA that you put on that video that was up that a bunch of people... | ||
Dude, that was like a guy who'd been doing stand-up for years. | ||
Oh, thanks. | ||
And you had only done it, like, how many times when you did that? | ||
That was the first time I did it. | ||
The first time. | ||
That shit's ridiculous, dude. | ||
Can I plug that? | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
All right, so... | ||
I put it on my Twitter. | ||
It's on my Twitter if you can find it. | ||
Yeah, my... | ||
My problem with the internet is I always think it's like the Wild West when it's actually not, so almost everything I put up on YouTube or Vimeo gets flagged. | ||
I just put up a new episode of my show, DVD-ASA, and it got flagged. | ||
Gets flagged for what? | ||
Nakedness? | ||
Yeah, nakedness or whatever. | ||
You changed your DVD-ASA page. | ||
Yeah, it's like Wikipedia now. | ||
Dude. | ||
It's like, anybody can go on there and change it now. | ||
They could say, Dave's a fag, this, whatever, and it'll, you know, I can't believe I just said that. | ||
Well, good luck. | ||
They're gonna do that now. | ||
You did, you made a Wikipedia out of it. | ||
Why'd you do that? | ||
We used their technology, and we just was like, if some, it's like, it's your website now. | ||
Why would you do that? | ||
Cause who cares? | ||
You're gonna care once your website is all black dicks. | ||
I know that's what's gonna happen, so whatever. | ||
Current threat level. | ||
I love the current threat level. | ||
Vitamin Piss Yellow is the current threat level. | ||
So everything on that website right now, the fans did it. | ||
Oh, that's great. | ||
I'm like, fuck it. | ||
I'm not even gonna maintain my own website. | ||
You had a thing where you got offline, you took down your podcast, and you put up this fucking disclaimer, and I had to text you about it immediately once I read it, because I was alone, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm in my house, and I'm howling laughing, because you're talking about racism, but you said something that's totally true. | ||
You're like, everyone's afraid of the yellow man. | ||
Like, black men get to fuck, but how come Jackie Chan... | ||
Never got to finger bang or fuck in rush hour one, two, or three. | ||
And I'm like, it's true! | ||
Jackie can't, Chan! | ||
Like, he's safe! | ||
It's amazing. | ||
I'm in bed fucking this white girl, and I had my phone next to her head like this, and a text comes in, and it's Joe just saying like, ha ha ha ha ha! | ||
And he's writing my press release back to me, and it's, look... | ||
Wait, first of all... | ||
That one quote, though, was so fucking funny. | ||
Yeah, look, I'm just... | ||
I didn't know these kind of facts, but do you know how many Asians are in America? | ||
I'm talking about jungle Asians, Japanese, Korean, Filipino, all of the Asians combined. | ||
Do you know how many of them there are in America? | ||
No. | ||
What's the number? | ||
Take a guess. | ||
20 million? | ||
Or percentage-wise. | ||
Oh, percentage? | ||
Yeah. | ||
20 million would be what? | ||
Less than 10%? | ||
Yeah, like 7, 8. Yeah, it's 4%. | ||
4%? | ||
It's 4%. | ||
So it's like... | ||
I just like... | ||
You know, I like doing... | ||
I just like doing shit, you know? | ||
And then people always... | ||
They need to be like, oh, check out this Asian comedian. | ||
Or check out this Asian artist. | ||
And I'm like, why can't I just... | ||
Be an artist. | ||
Yeah, why can't I just be an artist? | ||
Why do I always have to be like, you know... | ||
I got mugged by a black guy. | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
It's never I got mugged by a dude. | ||
This dude fucking mugged me, man. | ||
If you say you got mugged by a dude, that's a white guy. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Like, you know? | ||
If I got fucking mugged by this dude... | ||
Yeah, and you know, also Akira, she's on my show. | ||
the first time I met her was seven or eight years ago and so this is still in the year you know it was like 2005, 2006 and it was on the set of the first Asian American porno in America and I was like the first one? | ||
I was like I don't even know what that means and I'm like there's Asian chicks in porn and it was like no the first porno In America where they're they're all Asian and then the I'm like what the male perf I'm like yeah that exists and they're like no it doesn't They go the only place in porn where you see an Asian guy is gay porn and he's the bottom So he's literally getting fucked in his ass and that's the only place you see him. | ||
So what about Japanese porn? | ||
No, but that's in Japan. | ||
I'm saying in America. | ||
And I'm like, wow, 2005, whatever, and that still doesn't exist yet? | ||
And so I go on the set, and then the guy that's the performer is Filipino, and I'm like, that doesn't even count. | ||
It doesn't count? | ||
They're not Asian? | ||
No, they count. | ||
I'm just joking. | ||
So I go, wow, that's weird. | ||
And then I just... | ||
You know, the shit I talk about on my show, the shit I just do, and then I just... | ||
It's like if you talked about it, it would be fine if a black guy talks about it. | ||
But it's just... | ||
It brings out these people, and they just... | ||
They're so offended by it and I go... | ||
And I know in the script for Romeo Must Die, Jet Li kisses Aaliyah at the end, but they changed it to, they just danced together. | ||
And, you know, Jackie Chan is the star of Rush Hour, a fucking billion dollar franchise. | ||
Why doesn't he get to fuck or finger bang? | ||
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
Like, okay, fine. | ||
He didn't get to do it in one. | ||
Maybe in two he gets to fuck. | ||
Alright, well, you know, it's like, why can't they be sexual, you know? | ||
unidentified
|
And... | |
I don't know the answer to that. | ||
The male Asian with the white woman is such a rare combination in movies and in television. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
It's so fucking rare. | ||
That when they're doing it, it almost feels like they're doing it on purpose. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And it's like, but... | ||
Because there was once that with the black guys. | ||
Black guys, if I see you with white women, we're going to kill you. | ||
But now it's like... | ||
Gentle fever. | ||
Fix that shit. | ||
Made it a disease. | ||
I don't know. | ||
My best guess on it is when... | ||
This is just my guess. | ||
When I hear people go, oh man, those fucking Asians are like... | ||
They're taking over all the best spots at all the best universities and they're owning all the real estate and China's taking over the world. | ||
It's like... | ||
They're taking everything. | ||
They can't take our white pussy on top of that, you know, so I don't know I don't know what it is But I just know like when I do shit like I get a lot more slack for it then but whatever I don't I don't give a shit Well the point that you were making I mean, I know you're just being funny, but the point you were making is true I mean you don't see Asian guys get laid in movies and if they do it's with an Asian girl, right? | ||
I mean I'm sure there's examples. | ||
There's one It's Steven Yoon from Walking Dead. | ||
Got to fuck Maggie. | ||
That's true. | ||
That's the only one. | ||
That's a perfect sandwich. | ||
Maggie's pretty goddamn hot, too. | ||
That's a good one. | ||
That's a good one. | ||
I high-fived him for that. | ||
That's a victory for the Asians. | ||
And he stayed alive for many seasons. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So he's doing it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Wait, can I just plug the thing really quick? | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
What is the thing? | ||
The video. | ||
Well, it's vidme. | ||
vid.me. | ||
I've been looking forever because everyone's like, why don't you just have your own platform or whatever? | ||
And I'm like, I don't want to spend time doing that. | ||
Hire somebody. | ||
Well, I mean, it's just like when you do it yourself, it always... | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't want to... | ||
For me to have less employees, it's not even the money thing. | ||
I don't want to become a manager, you know? | ||
Right. | ||
So these kids have started this thing, VidMe, which is like my answer to YouTube or whatever, and I could put anything up there. | ||
So I put my comedy special. | ||
So if you go to vid.me and then put in DVD or subscribe to DVD, I say you have my comedy special, which is the first time I did comedy at UCLA, which is intercut with like... | ||
Machine guns and girls buttholes and me slapping cigarettes out of smoking vaginas. | ||
There's a lot of stuff. | ||
Stuff that you can't put anywhere. | ||
Can I give you a great example? | ||
Well, first of all, talk about Instagram. | ||
I went on yours and someone found their high school drawing art. | ||
You have the frenetic energy of... | ||
You got that Bernie Wrightson, and you got all the... | ||
You were good. | ||
I was pretty good. | ||
Yeah, you were pretty good, and you went crazy with the detail. | ||
Whenever I see a young guy with lots of detail, I'm like, that motherfucker has a lot of energy that's usually from, especially the subject matter. | ||
Rage. | ||
Drawing every fucking hair on the werewolf's face, and one of the teeth, and they're glistening with the fucking blood and whatever. | ||
Well, I was obsessed with comic book art. | ||
Yeah, I mean, it's great. | ||
I mean, I think from what I saw... | ||
Yeah, from what I saw... | ||
And how old were you when you did that? | ||
Somewhere in high school. | ||
Probably 15 or 16. That's what I'm saying. | ||
Like, you stopped at some point, right? | ||
I had an asshole fucking art teacher, man. | ||
He wasn't... | ||
Look... | ||
I feel bad for the dude because he was clearly a dork. | ||
That's great. | ||
He had this way of talking about shit where he just killed all your dreams. | ||
I would draw... | ||
All like Conan the Barbarian and ninjas and werewolves. | ||
I would draw shit that I would like to buy. | ||
Teenage boy shit. | ||
Yeah, teenage boy shit. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
I love that. | ||
I did a whole series of little kid stories that went wrong. | ||
Three little pigs. | ||
There's a werewolf who fucking just attacks the pigs. | ||
I had Humpty Dumpty. | ||
I'll pull that one up eventually. | ||
Humpty Dumpty with an axe. | ||
You're an artist. | ||
You're an artist. | ||
Yeah, well, I certainly was. | ||
That's what I was going to do for a living. | ||
Until I started fighting. | ||
And then when I started fighting, I became completely obsessed with that. | ||
Because it was so primal and so much different than anything else I'd ever done. | ||
See, we have the same story up until then. | ||
Or even up until then. | ||
Because in high school, I drew like that too. | ||
Like crazy detail or whatever. | ||
And then I started fighting too. | ||
And I loved it. | ||
And then I started fighting all the time. | ||
Except I never won. | ||
90% of the fights I get my ass kicked. | ||
I still loved it. | ||
I'd be like, yeah, let's fuck these dudes up. | ||
Oh, you mean like fighting on the street? | ||
Yeah, well, I had a lot of anger. | ||
So I didn't do that. | ||
Oh, you mean fighting at the dojo? | ||
I only had like one fight in high school, and it wasn't really much of a fight. | ||
Well, one other time. | ||
The best one, the most important one for me, was this dude... | ||
We weren't even, like, fighting. | ||
It's like he was this kid, like, they bust these black kids in from bad neighborhoods, Newton South High, and there was this one kid, and me and him, we used to look at each other, like, in the hallway, and, like, you know, he would stare at me, and I would stare at him, and nothing really happened, but then one day, we were in the locker room together, and I was passing him, he looked at me, and I don't remember what was said, but I remember the Dude grabbed me and hip-tossed me down to the ground. | ||
Threw me on my back and held me down. | ||
And he was thinking about punching me. | ||
He was like holding me and he went like, nah, and just held me and then let me up. | ||
I was totally humiliated. | ||
Totally humiliated. | ||
You said the N-word with the E-R? No, no, no, no, no. | ||
I didn't say anything. | ||
I mean, I think I said like, what the fuck, you know, or something like when he was holding me. | ||
But I realized, oh my God, I don't know how to wrestle. | ||
I think I was probably 14. I was like, God damn it, I don't know. | ||
I need to learn how to wrestle. | ||
But that humiliating feeling, you like, I don't want to ever feel that again. | ||
It was terrible. | ||
I'd never, I'd taken like a couple karate classes before then, but no grappling whatsoever. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
So, at the same time, I joined the wrestling team, and I started getting really serious about Taekwondo at the very same time. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And it was because of that dude. | ||
Like, I owe him. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
He made me who I became, like, for real, because he humiliated the shit out of me. | ||
But looking at... | ||
Like, that changed your course down that path, but if that never happened and you stuck with the art, I mean, that looks pretty good, man. | ||
Well, I enjoyed art. | ||
I still do. | ||
I still draw. | ||
Do you draw like that? | ||
Yeah, I could still draw like that. | ||
Yeah, I like the cross-hatching and all that stuff, yeah. | ||
I love cross-hatching. | ||
Yeah, I like to do pencil and then ballpoint pen over the pencil. | ||
That's my favorite style. | ||
I have some other stuff that I'll put up that I did like that. | ||
Yeah, I want to check Because technical pens are always found to be a little too permanent. | ||
I feel like with a ballpoint pen, you can sort of almost barely touch the paper and the image just starts to slowly come out. | ||
Do this with your kids. | ||
Ballpoint pen, draw on bananas. | ||
Like, that sensation of a ballpoint pen on a banana is, like, the best thing. | ||
And then, like, the next day when the banana peel dries up, the drawing looks different. | ||
My kids love art, man. | ||
Yeah, it's a fun thing. | ||
But my progression was the same thing. | ||
Everything in high school was this shit, like, cross-hatching, pen, pencil, prisma colors. | ||
And then, you know, I discovered spray paint, which was, like, the fucking, like, the best thing ever. | ||
It's like, oh my god, I discovered the Matrix, you know? | ||
and then acrylic and oil paint but what I discovered now after painting and drawing for years is that all those things I just said spray paint, oil, acrylic is you just even pencils like you draw something you create something and if you don't like it you just paint over it you just erase it and then the new thing that like I just that this is like like alchemy or like painting with with magic is the watercolor It's like the | ||
medium in art that has, I'd probably say the least amount of respect, because it's like, oh, watercolor, you think of old ladies on Sunday. | ||
Yeah, why is that? | ||
I don't know, but this whole book that I did is all watercolors. | ||
It's like 300 pages of watercolors, and I'm like... | ||
I'm a pretty well-respected artist now. | ||
I should be able to get this thing published. | ||
I shouldn't have to self-publish it. | ||
I don't want to self-publish it. | ||
In the same way, I don't want to put up my own... | ||
What do you call it? | ||
I don't want to start my own YouTube or whatever. | ||
I just would rather do the art and have a respected publisher put it out. | ||
So I turned the book in and started this bidding war with all the cool artsy publishers that want to put it out. | ||
And they're like, Dave, you've got to take these four pages out. | ||
Our legal team looked at it, and I guess there's obscenity laws, like you can't put an AR-15 in a girl's butthole or whatever. | ||
But I thought... | ||
You know. | ||
It's art. | ||
Well, it's art, and I thought, like, we lived in America. | ||
I thought you could do whatever, you know. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And I keep, I don't know, I guess I keep pushing things and finding out that you can't do them. | ||
But you can. | ||
You can. | ||
You just can't do it in their forum. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
That's all it is. | ||
And I go, what's the problem? | ||
They're like, we might get sued. | ||
I go, well. | ||
By who? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's always like this preemptive, like this imaginary fear, and I go. | ||
We need people like you out there. | ||
I go, look. | ||
I was excited because I was like, oh, these are the publishers that I like. | ||
I would love to work with you. | ||
I put the book out myself. | ||
We sold it out, the special edition, right away. | ||
If you want to get it, it's at davidshow.com. | ||
We made so much money on it. | ||
I don't want to say this like I'm bragging, but I didn't even want to make that money. | ||
I would rather someone else make that money. | ||
I just wanted to put it out, but it's like... | ||
They wouldn't do it, so you had to do it yourself. | ||
And that's sort of... | ||
I bring that up because I'd rather just... | ||
It's so easy to just do a video and throw it up on YouTube. | ||
That's so easy. | ||
I don't want to fucking find... | ||
You know, it's like I just want to make shit and just put it out there, but everything I do gets taken down, so I just got to, you know... | ||
Well, you're an unusual guy in an unusual situation, and you want to be free. | ||
You want to be free to express yourself. | ||
And, you know, someone could say, like, oh, fuck him, and he's this, and he's that, and he's arrogant, and he's this. | ||
But no, you're you. | ||
You're being free. | ||
You're not worried. | ||
You're not being a fake. | ||
You are actually doing things that you're interested in. | ||
And in a lot of ways... | ||
This is a real problem that we have in society with needing someone to publish your stuff. | ||
Because if you need someone to publish your stuff, then they're going to have to approve it. | ||
And then you're not going to get the original vision of the artist or the writer or whatever. | ||
You're going to get a bunch of other people's opinions of what you should broadcast, what you should publish. | ||
Well, look, can I ask you this? | ||
Because you are, like, since I first did your show, I think the first time I ever did your show, I've never been on TV. You have a long career in TV, Fear Factor, the UFC stuff. | ||
I've been on TV twice now. | ||
I did Anthony Bourdain shows, Parts Unknown, and I did The News for HBO, for Vice HBO. Both shows that I've been on won Emmys. | ||
It's like, everything I do doesn't have to be guns in buttholes. | ||
You know, I can work within... | ||
They're like, hey, do comedy, but don't cuss, and then I can do it. | ||
But... | ||
So, the two times I did TV, they're like, oh, Dave, those shows you won won Emmys, and so the floodgates sort of opened, and now I have all these people interested in doing shows with me, but they're... | ||
Do you ever have this experience? | ||
You know a lot of rich people and whatever. | ||
I sit in boardrooms with CEOs and people that run these companies, and they're billionaires, and they run the world. | ||
They have way more money than me. | ||
They have way more power, fame, whatever. | ||
And they're still not free men. | ||
They're like, they answer to AOL, Disney, or I don't know, like, they go, yeah, like, you gotta take these four people. | ||
They're afraid to take chances. | ||
I go, you're a fucking billionaire. | ||
Like, who gives a shit? | ||
It's like, Oh, wow, you have all the money in the world, yet you still have to answer to shareholders, like your business partners, your wife. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I made a conscious decision not to get married. | ||
I don't have kids. | ||
I don't work for anybody. | ||
And so it's like, man, it would be so easy for me to just sign this deal and do this TV show. | ||
But then they're like... | ||
But then you can't have Hong Dynasty on your Instagram. | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
Fuck that. | ||
Don't ever let anybody take you from doing what you're doing. | ||
Well, no one says... | ||
Well, the nice thing is no one says you can't do it. | ||
They just go, if you want to be on our team, then you can't do this shit. | ||
Like, what is this Hong Dynasty shit? | ||
That's saying you can't do it. | ||
Look, I've had that when... | ||
I've done projects before where they've told me to take down my website. | ||
Take down your message board. | ||
I'm like, fuck you. | ||
I'm not taking down shit. | ||
Because if you want me to do that, you want me to compromise myself, it's going to start there and it's going to end up with me wearing a fucking suit, sitting behind a desk, talking to some idiot about a sitcom that I give two fucks about. | ||
That's what happens. | ||
And it's a weird thing because it's like, I didn't give a shit when I was poor. | ||
I didn't give a shit when I was rich. | ||
And then it's like, what, now I'm going to have a boss? | ||
Like, it's weird. | ||
You don't have to do that. | ||
Just do things that you're doing now. | ||
Do it on the internet. | ||
I know, but this is what I'm saying, Joe. | ||
Like, I don't want, like... | ||
Well, let's put it this way. | ||
Okay. | ||
What's the benefit of you doing something on television? | ||
Other than Vice, which is an awesome show, and Anthony Bourdain's show, which is an awesome show. | ||
Yeah, those guys are awesome. | ||
Doing things like that is great, but... | ||
What's the benefit of you doing a television show? | ||
Do you need more money? | ||
You don't need more money. | ||
No, it's not to do more money. | ||
It's just like... | ||
To do projects. | ||
It's just for me, like... | ||
I don't know. | ||
I just filmed this pilot where just... | ||
Yeah, it's not for the money. | ||
They don't even have to pay me anything. | ||
So what's the benefit? | ||
It's like I get to fly somewhere and I get to... | ||
Like... | ||
Doing a show like this, we can say anything we want, or we could talk about, oh, I want to make this movie and talk about the ideas, but this is making it happen. | ||
But you could do that. | ||
I know, but it's the thing with the publishing. | ||
It's so much easier for... | ||
When I showed up on Bourdain's set... | ||
It's all taken care of. | ||
I was like, wow! | ||
This producer called everyone? | ||
This cameraman's an award-winning cinematographer? | ||
He knows what he's doing? | ||
I don't want to become the guy that's like, oh, I've got to start my own network now? | ||
I've got to hire my own guys and do all this shit? | ||
You can do that, though, man. | ||
You can have meetings, and one of the things you could do is get a manager. | ||
Get a nice Jewish boy who understands show business and tell that motherfucker, this is me. | ||
I'm David Cho. | ||
I like to put AR-15s, upgirls, buttholes. | ||
I like to do watercolor paintings that are obscene. | ||
I like to do this thing called DVD ASA that gets me fired from HBO. I'm a crazy man. | ||
Nobody fired me. | ||
Nobody fired you. | ||
I got an option. | ||
We'll talk. | ||
unidentified
|
We'll talk. | |
I got tons of money and I like to do fun shit and I don't want to have a boss, but I want to be able to do cool projects. | ||
I want to enjoy life. | ||
I want to have adventures. | ||
So, what do we need to do to hire a bunch of real good union cameramen to set up a real good production studio where we can edit video, hire legit people? | ||
I don't want to deal with shit. | ||
I just want to go do my stuff. | ||
You handle all that, and you could do all that, and it could become profitable. | ||
Easily. | ||
Easily. | ||
Well, I mean... | ||
I'm not your manager. | ||
But that's what I'm saying. | ||
It's like being a reluctant entrepreneur. | ||
I don't want to do that, but I'm going to have to. | ||
You should. | ||
You know? | ||
You should. | ||
The stuff you're doing, this Hong Dynasty stuff, it's fun. | ||
That was like just... | ||
You know, it's like... | ||
It's like a weird feeling to go to a Denzel movie or a Liam Neeson movie and you're sitting there and you're like, this is shitty. | ||
But you're like, it's so much money behind it. | ||
How did it even get made? | ||
Or you're sitting in an editing room and you're working on a show and you're like, wow, that part's really funny. | ||
It's like, that's never going to be on TV. Why? | ||
Everyone in this room agrees that's the funniest thing. | ||
It'll never be on TV. Why? | ||
Because of Coast's soap commercial is going to pull their ads if you do that. | ||
That's half the best shit I've ever said on Fear Factor. | ||
Never made it to the air. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Because I would fuck with the contestants and say ridiculous shit that I knew wasn't going to be on the air. | ||
I would love to see that. | ||
But you've got to understand that that's not what they're trying to do. | ||
Their business is not the business of artistic expression. | ||
Their business is the business of making money. | ||
What's the best way to optimize their chances of making money? | ||
You've got to get a real cookie-cutter bullshit television show. | ||
But they're saying that there's no audience for a Fear Factor type show where Joe fucks with the contestants. | ||
There is. | ||
There is. | ||
But it's not that... | ||
Forum that forum is already been established. | ||
It's already locked down. | ||
It's already censored But what you're doing on the on the internet is a wild wet like this podcast has no boss There's no one to tell us what we're gonna talk about we could do whatever we want, right? | ||
And it's because it's on the internet you could do the same sort of thing and run into what I do Which is like hey Joe you're on like you know, whatever the network UFC is on or you know anytime you do TV stuff Do they ever go hey Joe? | ||
I've had a few issues. | ||
You talked about some fucking crazy shit on your last show. | ||
You gotta take that episode down. | ||
No. | ||
No. | ||
I'm not gonna do that. | ||
I wouldn't do it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's been a few issues, but I can justify the things that I've talked about. | ||
I mean, I'm not just going off on a rail with no clues to what I'm saying. | ||
You love UFC. I love it, yeah. | ||
I've never met anyone who knows so much and just can recall that. | ||
At one point, Dana White or whoever said, Hey, Joe, you're part of UFC. You've been doing it forever. | ||
Your podcast is just... | ||
I quit. | ||
I quit the UFC. You would. | ||
Like that. | ||
In one second. | ||
One second. | ||
You wouldn't say, I love it so much that I can... | ||
I've come close a couple times. | ||
Wow. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's no way. | ||
I'll never change what I do in stand-up, and I'll never change what I do with the podcast. | ||
I firmly believe that if I did that, I would be a miserable fuck. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
If I decided... | ||
I believe that, too. | ||
I'm going to censor the podcast, and now I'm not going to have people like David showing... | ||
He's a fucking loose cannon. | ||
He's talking about Jackie Chan finger-banging people. | ||
He's got AR-15s up girls' buttholes. | ||
If I did that, I would fuck myself over. | ||
And plus, I started doing this thing that I like as much as doing the UFC. I started doing these fight companion podcasts where we sit down and we watch the fights. | ||
We put the fight up on there and we drink and we smoke weed and we watch the fights and just talk while the fights are going on. | ||
It's the most fun! | ||
And you're recording the whole thing. | ||
Yeah, and we broadcast it. | ||
You're probably having more fun doing that shit. | ||
And it gets hundreds of thousands of downloads. | ||
Wow, see? | ||
It's crazy. | ||
I like doing that almost as much as I like being there. | ||
Almost. | ||
Being there is the best. | ||
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my show and talking about fucking Jackie Chan finger blasting and whatever, but I love getting access to fucking go to the North Pole and interviewing the Norwegian Army General. | ||
I like that stuff too. | ||
And it's like... | ||
Well, anytime I'm putting this... | ||
I'm like you, man. | ||
I'll never fucking bow down to anybody. | ||
I don't give a fuck. | ||
But at the same time, I don't have to do anything, you know? | ||
Right. | ||
You could just sit down and just chill. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, you have what's really fuck you money. | ||
You really have it. | ||
I mean, that's an expression. | ||
You have fuck you money. | ||
It does feel good, right? | ||
You gotta use that fuck you money. | ||
Use it to say fuck you. | ||
And when you do a television show where they compromise you, hey, you gotta take down DVD ASA, or you gotta stop doing AR-15 up girls' butthole pictures. | ||
You automatically, you get rid of the whole point of having fuck you money. | ||
You can't say fuck you. | ||
Who you are is this weird, unique artist dude who likes doing, you like pushing boundaries, you like being open about everything from prostitutes to sexual proclivities to overeating and diabetes, but that's you, man. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
You're a good dude. | ||
You know, I like you. | ||
I like you too, man. | ||
I don't worry about guys like you getting corrupted by the fucking grist for the mill, get stuck in the machine where they figured out, how can I make more money off of David Cho? | ||
You know what they did with, here's a perfect example. | ||
You know what they did with Dave Chappelle? | ||
Dave Chappelle was doing the fucking Chappelle Show, which in my opinion is the greatest sketch show of all time. | ||
The best. | ||
The best. | ||
He's one of the funniest stand-up comedians of all time. | ||
Years later, we could still watch repeats. | ||
It's funny as shit. | ||
That guy, the blind, white, racist who was a black guy, is still one of the greatest sketches of all time. | ||
The race trading, the Chinese taking the Wu-Tang Clan, and all that stuff. | ||
Yes! | ||
Fucking brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant show. | ||
They started telling him he couldn't say nigger. | ||
They started telling him to stop saying it. | ||
And he was like, what are you talking about? | ||
They were like, we can get more money from advertisement if you stop saying this or you stop saying that or don't do this or do... | ||
And that's when he went crazy or maybe went sane and decided, you know what, I got some money. | ||
And they had a $50 million offer to fucking renew and this and that. | ||
And he just said, fuck this. | ||
He went to Africa, tried to relax and find himself and came back and he quit the fucking show. | ||
And he quit the show because they were turning him into something else. | ||
They were trying to take this uncensored, brilliant, artistic mind and make him a commodity. | ||
And that's what happens, man. | ||
But that's their business. | ||
It's like being alone with a wolf and the wolf eats you when it's hungry. | ||
Of course, it's a fucking wolf. | ||
That's what they do. | ||
You can't be upset at a wolf for eating you. | ||
That's their nature. | ||
And the nature of people that run these... | ||
Production studios and networks, they're not evil. | ||
They just make money. | ||
And the way to make money, how much money can you get from Toyota? | ||
Well, Toyota will give you X amount of money if you don't have any swears. | ||
They'll give you X more if you cut out this and don't do that. | ||
They'll sign on for three years, a three-year commitment. | ||
That's the way that shit works. | ||
It's just about maximizing profit. | ||
I've worked every job. | ||
I've worked in advertising. | ||
I've done all that shit. | ||
When I made the fuck you money, I sat down and I have five guys that work with me now and I had a meeting and I said, the point of what we do, and it's never been, and especially now, is to not make money. | ||
You know, I know I could sit here and talk to you about, like, should you turn into subscription-based or ads and this and that. | ||
We've never had ads on my show, because I don't have to. | ||
And it's like, it would be nice if we made stuff that did make money, but that is never... | ||
You know, the last three years, like, everything I do just, like, hemorrhages and bleeds money. | ||
But, you know, I can sell one painting and make that money back in one day. | ||
And, you know, it's like... | ||
People have had this discussion before when they're at 7-Eleven buying a Scratcher or Super Lotto ticket, and they're like, man, if I had $100 million, this is what I would do. | ||
But it's like, in this country, and I don't want to go on a diatribe about greed or whatever, it's like, when is it enough? | ||
Right. | ||
Like, when is it, like, so... | ||
You gotta show the Chappelle show and he wants to say nigger. | ||
Just let him say it. | ||
He feels good. | ||
He's allowed to say it. | ||
But see, they're not Chappelle. | ||
So when you have people that are not creative people, they're certainly not responsible for his creative vision. | ||
And they start interfering with it and trying to monetize it. | ||
That's when it becomes a problem. | ||
When it isn't a problem is when you... | ||
Who is the artist is in complete control, like a podcast, like your DVD ASA podcast, or like Hong Dynasty or any of this other shit you do, like all of your paintings. | ||
No one's standing over you and go, Dave, stop painting tits. | ||
You're painting vagina. | ||
You're making women objects. | ||
You're doing this. | ||
You're doing that. | ||
You can't be you if that's happening. | ||
And look, maybe some people are going to criticize you. | ||
And maybe you'll take that criticism to heart, and it'll change your opinion about things, which is totally honest and fine. | ||
If someone says, you know, hey Dave, I'm tired of you painting, blah, blah, blah. | ||
And then you go, you know what, I don't want anybody to feel bad. | ||
I'm just trying to express myself. | ||
Maybe I wasn't looking at it from their point of view. | ||
And then you could sort of alter your point of view. | ||
There's nothing negative about that. | ||
It's part of developing, maturing, growing, taking in all sorts of different influences. | ||
It's part of being a human being. | ||
But there's a big difference between that and doing it only for money. | ||
And that's what happens when you get attached to a network. | ||
And it's not their fault. | ||
It's just what they do. | ||
But it's why. | ||
Like, I've never talked to anybody about selling this thing. | ||
I would never sell this thing. | ||
This is just... | ||
We started this out, Brian and I... It would go bad the day that happened. | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
100%. | ||
They'd fuck everything up. | ||
They'd say, you gotta stop smoking weed. | ||
You guys got lit joints everywhere. | ||
You can't do that. | ||
What do you mean? | ||
Why can't we? | ||
It's California. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
I have a medical marijuana license. | ||
Who gives a fuck anybody? | ||
We have whiskey here all the time. | ||
Nobody complains about that. | ||
What are we complaining about? | ||
There's millions of people that smoke weed. | ||
You're telling me that those people's money is not worth anything? | ||
The weed dollar is not real money? | ||
You gotta respect the fucking stoner dollar! | ||
We're people! | ||
I pay taxes! | ||
Okay? | ||
I'm in the fucking NRA, goddammit! | ||
There's a real problem when people try to take creative ideas and turn those creative ideas into some sort of a complete monetary venture. | ||
And that's what happens when you get involved with a television show. | ||
It's just what it is. | ||
There's some sort of compromise involved. | ||
You don't have to do that. | ||
Here's the problem, Joe. | ||
It's like... | ||
When I paint something, some people will see it. | ||
If I have it in an art gallery, I don't go to art galleries. | ||
The spectrum of media is like this, right? | ||
At the top is network television, blockbuster Hollywood movies, and then video games, or maybe video games is at the top, and then it's like You know music and then you know books comic books and at the very bottom is art right so at the very top There's the most censorship. | ||
There's the most like people with their people involved You can't say this you can't do that dolphin tail to right and at the very bottom is His art where I can Paint anything and no one cares and it's not literal. | ||
Not only that, it's a direct connection to the art. | ||
You have your hands on the brush. | ||
You're standing in front of the canvas. | ||
There's no one there. | ||
You're alone in your warehouse. | ||
It's a solitary sport. | ||
No one's involved. | ||
Sort of like jerking off. | ||
A lot of cross-hatching. | ||
And you draw this thing and it means whatever it means. | ||
To me it means this, to you it means that. | ||
There's very little chances of you becoming a fucking billionaire drawing comic books, but you get to say, what dollar can you put on freedom like that? | ||
But now, because this weird anomaly of where I did make all this money doing art, the floodgates have opened for me to do all types of entertainment, and not to sound too... | ||
Artsy or whatever, I look at everything I do as art. | ||
I look at my podcast, my TV stuff. | ||
I bring that level of expression and freedom to it, and then it just is not translating well with the higher-ups, I guess. | ||
And it's like, hey, you can do whatever you want over here, but don't... | ||
There's no higher-ups, bro. | ||
I know, there isn't. | ||
They can all suck your dick. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's no higher-ups, man. | ||
I mean, this all comes down to other people influencing your creative vision. | ||
And you can't ever let that happen. | ||
Because your creative vision is what makes you unique. | ||
You know, when I talked about being an artist or wanting to be an artist in high school and having this bad art teacher... | ||
I mean, I honestly do feel bad for the dude, because he was really frumpy, and he had a gut, and his fucking posture was bad, and he just was a guy who just had no hope. | ||
And what he said to me was like, I would draw all this stuff, and he was like, you gotta do, like, you're gonna have to draw things that you don't wanna draw. | ||
And I said, why? | ||
And he said, because you're gonna have to make a living. | ||
So if you're going to have to make a living, maybe you're going to work for, this is the thing, the example to use, you're going to have to draw babies for a diaper commercial. | ||
And I was like, but I want to be a comic book artist. | ||
And he's like, but you may not make it as a comic book artist. | ||
I was like, oh, fuck this. | ||
So my senior year, I didn't even take art. | ||
I was one of the best artists in his class. | ||
There was me, this guy, I think his name was John DeVore, he was really good, and this guy, Kevin, who was also really good. | ||
These three guys, and we all used to draw the same style stuff. | ||
I don't know if They became artists. | ||
I don't know what happened. | ||
You didn't keep in touch with them? | ||
No, high school was weird. | ||
I was such a social misfit in high school. | ||
Did you ever do a portfolio day where you have all your drawings and you go to Disney or something? | ||
No, I never got that far with it. | ||
I didn't even get to as far as applying to colleges. | ||
When I got out of high school, I went to art school for a year or two, and then I dropped out. | ||
And I was just like, how am I going to make a living doing this? | ||
And I got all my best drawings, and I went to... | ||
I think it was CalArts. | ||
It's like an open call, and it's like every single animation studio, every single advertising agency. | ||
And I got there, and it's all these fucking kids with all their art, and there's really long lines to talk to a guy that has a pencil behind his ear and goes... | ||
Work on this yeah work on this and I was like fuck this and so I was like I'm not even gonna wait in this line so I went I went to go take a piss and I saw one of the advertising guys get up and I followed him to the bathroom and I said and I pulled one of those while his dick's out I'm like hey look at look at this crosshatch penis look at this and he's like hey you can't wait in line like everyone else I'm like dude I'm please and he like looked over he's like hey that's pretty good and so he's got his dick out and And I go, hey, nice fat dick, dude. | ||
No, he gives me his card and he goes, you're fucking dope, man. | ||
You should come to my office in Beverly Hills. | ||
And I was like either 20 or 21 and I was like, yes! | ||
And it's one of the biggest advertising agencies in LA. I show up there like with a tie on and everything. | ||
And as I walk down the hallway, it's like every movie poster. | ||
unidentified
|
And I was like, I made it. | |
I'm fucking like young and I'm gonna make a living drawing like this is fucking crazy So I think Back then I don't know how it is now. | ||
They would have all these artists draw in the style. | ||
I forgot Drew Struzan that's that Star Wars They got painted all Star Wars These guys all draw that same style and you draw The movie poster, and then they give that to the photographer, and then the photographer, because, you know, there's no art in movie posters now. | ||
Right. | ||
And this is, I'm talking about fucking 20 years ago, so I'm sure it's different now. | ||
And it was an avalanche movie with... | ||
Chris O'Donnell? | ||
Chris O'Donnell. | ||
I think the movie was called Avalanche. | ||
And so I sat in a room and I was like, this is so cool. | ||
I get to see a movie before it came out, you know? | ||
unidentified
|
And I'm like, this movie fucking sucks. | |
And then I'm sitting there watching it with like six old guys with like cigarettes dangling out of their mouth. | ||
I'm like, alright guys, we need avalanches, we need this and this, we need Chris O'Donnell looking like this. | ||
And I'm like, this is amazing, you know? | ||
And I sit in a room and I draw Chris O'Donnell and There's the poster. | ||
Vertical Limit. | ||
Vertical Limit. | ||
There it is. | ||
I think I drew that. | ||
Bill Paxton. | ||
Well, that's what you do. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's pretty good. | ||
Is that Willem Dafoe? | ||
Who's the guy in the back? | ||
I don't remember. | ||
Who is that? | ||
Scott Glenn. | ||
Scott Glenn. | ||
Oh, that guy. | ||
Yeah, that guy's awesome. | ||
So I got all their headshots. | ||
I'm drawing them. | ||
The art director's coming in and he's like, you know, it's amazing. | ||
He starts with a compliment. | ||
Dave, that's great. | ||
Can you do it again? | ||
Like a little bit smirk, a little bit more heroic. | ||
And then, um, not even a day in, I'm like, I hate this job. | ||
I just drew fucking Chris O'Donnell. | ||
And same thing, I had the same thought then. | ||
I'm like, how did this movie get made? | ||
Right. | ||
Like, it's horrible. | ||
Like, who, like... | ||
Chris O'Donnell's a beautiful man. | ||
I always want to see him. | ||
It's a good date night movie. | ||
It's very safe. | ||
I lasted at that job. | ||
When you say you've got to draw shit. | ||
The next one was a Sandra Bullock movie where she's an alcoholic. | ||
28 days or something. | ||
You know that that whole like hey, I'm somewhat part of showbiz and I'm working and I'm making the good money I walked into the guy's office less than a month in I said Like thank you for this like I appreciate it like this. | ||
I learned so much I Can't do it. | ||
He's like, what are you talking about? | ||
Like you you see that line you see how many people would die? | ||
He's like Dave and he closes the doors like I'm gonna tell you something You remind me of me like 20 years ago the fucking crazy hair you got like that fucking punk rock attitude and If you stay here and you do what I tell you, you could be running this fucking place in like 20 years. | ||
And I was like, you know, he gave me a nice ego boost. | ||
Sit down with the devil. | ||
Yeah, and I'm like, I wonder if he said this to all those guys out there, you know? | ||
Because I was the youngest guy there. | ||
And I go, I can't even believe I'm telling you. | ||
Like I said, thank you for this opportunity. | ||
I can't do this though. | ||
I can't. | ||
I feel like art is my passion. | ||
I love it. | ||
I feel like I'm dying here. | ||
You know because I thought oh I could draw Chris O'Donnell all day and then at night I could draw whatever I want. | ||
AR-15s and buttholes. | ||
Right. | ||
But muscle memory. | ||
I had just spent the entire day training my hand to draw in the Drew Struzan style of Chris O'Donnell. | ||
I get home and I want to do my shit and I'm like oh fuck that butthole looks like Chris O'Donnell's face. | ||
You know? | ||
So I tell the guy I go hey look I can't believe this great opportunity you gave me but I'm gonna have to regretfully decline this thing and he goes What are you gonna do, Dave? | ||
Draw your funny books? | ||
He didn't say it in that voice, but he's like... | ||
He was like mocking you? | ||
Yeah, a little. | ||
Not like hardcore, but he's like, what are you gonna do? | ||
And he's like, good luck with that. | ||
And I was like, you know what? | ||
I've made at that young... | ||
at that... | ||
It's for me the saddest thing when I see young people that have already given in. | ||
I'm like, that's the time you fight. | ||
That's the time that you should try and fail and try again. | ||
And then it's like, when you get old, you're like, at least I tried. | ||
Didn't work out. | ||
So I said, look, man, I'm going to go for it. | ||
And if I end up fucking broke or poor or whatever, then... | ||
Fuck it, you know? | ||
At least I tried, you know? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And the next job from that was drawing midgets and buttholes for Hustler. | ||
So I was like, yes! | ||
I get to at least draw what I want to draw. | ||
Midgets and buttholes for Hustler. | ||
Yeah, I worked for like Asian Fever and the whole Larry Flint. | ||
Yeah, it's trying to monetize a creative vision. | ||
It's really important that you try to figure out what is unique in your head. | ||
What is in your head? | ||
How do you get it out? | ||
And if you want to bring up The Chappelle Show or anything, it's like this whole, like, I don't want to start my own network. | ||
I don't want to start my own publishing company. | ||
It's like, I'm just going to do whatever I want. | ||
Knowing that it's not gonna make any money, and then what always happens is because it's so unique and whatever, it does make money. | ||
Oh, that's so easy for you now, Dave, because you have fuck you money. | ||
I'm like, how do you think I got it? | ||
How do you think I fucking got it? | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
I took the chance when I had nothing, and I had nothing to do. | ||
They say the rich and the poor have more in common than the middle class, because they both... | ||
Like, if you're poor, you're like, yeah, I got nothing to lose. | ||
If I get sued or whatever, like, they could take, like, my fucking toilet paper roll or whatever, you know? | ||
So, I don't know. | ||
You, look, you're not trying to make money. | ||
You have money. | ||
So, if you're not trying to make money, it's really simple. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like, you just need a manager. | ||
Right. | ||
You need someone to come along and take care of everything so you can just be creative. | ||
Yeah, I got a great manager. | ||
I got great people working with us. | ||
I got a great personal trainer. | ||
Check this out. | ||
Broke my rib. | ||
Check out this painting. | ||
Tell me what you think about that. | ||
It's beautiful. | ||
Joe just showed me a painting of a beautiful snow mountain landscape with trees in the style of like Bob Ross. | ||
You want to hear something crazy? | ||
My six-year-old did that. | ||
Shut the fuck up. | ||
By watching one of those Bob Ross things? | ||
No, she just takes art class. | ||
Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
She's very talented. | ||
She's been doing art since she was really little. | ||
Is this oil paint or what? | ||
Yeah, I got with her when she was really little to sit down and do a lot of art together. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
She's talented. | ||
I got my art from my uncle. | ||
I got it from my family. | ||
My grandmother was talented. | ||
My uncle's talented. | ||
My uncle's an artist. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
It's all just, it's in the family. | ||
You know what I think about when I see that? | ||
It's like, have you ever seen, this is going to sound bad, but have you ever seen Hitler's art? | ||
Yes, I have. | ||
It's good, but you would think a guy that is a murderer and has murdered millions of people would have a more hardcore... | ||
That's great. | ||
First of all, the thing Joe just showed me looked like a grown adult. | ||
It freaks me out. | ||
The mountains and shit, like the snow in the mountains. | ||
unidentified
|
So... | |
When you're at that age, like the Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, young person, and you're learning your Picasso, whatever, you're learning your techniques and just getting all that stuff down. | ||
Perspective. | ||
You get it down, and you're like, wow, I can paint a tree with all the highlights off the leaves and the dew drops, and that's great. | ||
That's the time to do that. | ||
But then at some point, You have to be like, what's inside me? | ||
Is it really a landscape? | ||
Or do I want to paint some crazy shit? | ||
And so she's great. | ||
She has the potential. | ||
Everyone has the potential, right? | ||
They get to a point. | ||
It's like you discovered fighting, but if you never got into fighting, I think you would have been a great artist doing all your werewolf stuff. | ||
Well, I would have enjoyed it. | ||
I still love comic book movies. | ||
I love comic book art. | ||
I love those really glossy comic book magazines and stuff. | ||
So when I see Hitler's art and I see these landscapes and just I'm like, dude, if you went as hardcore in your art as you did with killing people, maybe you would have never become a, you know? | ||
Did you see the thing that was out recently about Hitler taking meth? | ||
Like, Hitler apparently was really into meth. | ||
Sounds about right. | ||
Sounds about right, yeah. | ||
There was some thing that was recently released. | ||
Like those speeches when he's like screaming and shit? | ||
He was all methed out of his head. | ||
He was like a meth-addled rant? | ||
Well, he was apparently a hypochondriac and he took a bunch of different medications, but one of them is he took meth. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
Yeah, which totally makes sense. | ||
Right. | ||
One of the things they say with meth is that it completely corrodes your judgment. | ||
Your judgment just goes out the window. | ||
Let's kill Jews. | ||
You just kill everybody. | ||
Those crazy speeches, he was probably meth to the tits. | ||
Probably didn't have any nerves at all. | ||
That's why he was so intense and fucking hair flopping around, furious anger in his eyes. | ||
You watch one of his, yeah, Hitler was on crystal meth. | ||
unidentified
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Look at that. | |
Isn't that crazy? | ||
What's that website? | ||
Is that USA Today? | ||
According to a 47 page, I can't read that, military dossier, he used to take bull semen, morphine, tranquilizers, bull semen. | ||
I don't think that did anything for him. | ||
But the crystal meth, a pill that contained crystal meth, and other drugs, depending on Hitler's... | ||
Have you ever seen Kevorkian's art? | ||
No. | ||
Is it fucking crazy? | ||
Creepy as fuck. | ||
Wow. | ||
Well, you'd imagine. | ||
Yeah, but it makes you sort of rethink his motivations. | ||
Have you ever seen George Bush's art? | ||
Yes. | ||
It's fucking awesome. | ||
I want to buy one. | ||
Him looking in the mirror, have you seen that one? | ||
Look at Kevorkian's art. | ||
Pull up some of the more dark, it's all like death stuff, which is really kind of fucked up, man. | ||
It's like, he was really into, like... | ||
Wow. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Oh my god. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
That's fucking brutal. | ||
Look at that, man. | ||
That's like demonic shit. | ||
It's a guy being pulled into the abyss. | ||
You see eyeballs behind him and stuff. | ||
But there's some other ones that are even more disturbing than that, Jamie. | ||
There's some dead body ones and shit. | ||
Look at this. | ||
Look at this one. | ||
What the fuck is this, man? | ||
Look at this. | ||
It's a dude sitting at a dinner plate with a guy's head on the plate. | ||
What's going on here? | ||
Zoom up again. | ||
It's like a Roman soldier. | ||
Go so we see the whole thing. | ||
It's a Roman soldier. | ||
He's smirking. | ||
A guy has his head decapitated. | ||
There's a bowl of, what, Jewish stars? | ||
The Star of David? | ||
And the salt and pepper shaker are like rocket ships? | ||
Yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
The guy's got an apple. | ||
The guy's head is cut off. | ||
It's on a plate. | ||
There's an apple in his mouth. | ||
Okay, so let me ask you, Joe. | ||
You have your show where you get drunk and you critique UFC fights. | ||
You have this show. | ||
You have all these forms of expression. | ||
You have stand-up comedy every night. | ||
Do you think art is the best... | ||
Not for monetizing reasons or fans or whatever, just... | ||
When I draw something, and I don't have to write literally, and I just go, wow, and that fucking brushstroke captures exactly what's going on. | ||
Isn't that the best feeling? | ||
I don't know what's going on in that Kevorkian shit, but that guy must have had so much shit that that release of painting shit like that is just so therapeutic to me. | ||
Yeah, there's definitely something beautiful about creating something, because you know that it didn't exist before you put your attention to it. | ||
You put your attention to that piece of paper or that piece of clay or whatever you're creating, and you made something out of it, and it existed because you put your attention to it. | ||
And whatever it is inside of you, whatever creativity is... | ||
It's like you're God creating something out of nothing, you know? | ||
Like, there's nothing here and you create it. | ||
And then, like, just not to harp on it or sound, you know, it's just with the young people, you know, because I'm sure young people talk to you all the time. | ||
And I don't want to sound delusional saying, oh, it's easy for you or guys like Joe, but... | ||
The saddest thing is when you enslave yourself at such a young age and throw yourself into... | ||
Like, yes, there's people that need to be parking meter cops. | ||
There's people that need to work at ad agencies or whatever. | ||
But it doesn't need to be you. | ||
It doesn't need to be me. | ||
It doesn't need to be the person who's listening to me that I'm saying. | ||
It doesn't need to be you. | ||
It doesn't need to be you. | ||
There's a lot of fucking people, man. | ||
Right. | ||
Somebody will fall prey to that trap. | ||
This is my best advice on that whole thing. | ||
There's people that fall in that trap. | ||
It's like, you're young. | ||
You can fuck up and you'll still be young. | ||
And then try again. | ||
I'm sure you have a lot of people that are your fans. | ||
They go, you did it and you're my idol and I worship you and this and that. | ||
And so you did it, so that makes me feel like I can do it. | ||
And my whole thing with that is Like the whole like follow your dreams definitely follow your dreams, you know like definitely go for like your dreams and everything but Like what gets my dick really hard is like when I'm at IHOP and the guy takes my pancake order and He's like, | ||
you know, we have three new different syrups for that and like if you do this That's a better combo and he knows his job and he runs to get me the syrup And I'm like this guy maybe doesn't want to be IHOP waiter for his whole life, but the time he's here and He's passionate about it. | ||
He's bringing all of his energy to it, and then if IHOP waiter isn't ultimately what he ends up doing, he's gonna bring that, you know? | ||
It's like, just... | ||
I like it. | ||
Try to do... | ||
Not everyone's gonna be the best artist. | ||
Not everyone's gonna be the best... | ||
Actor. | ||
So when your dreams get crushed, be fucking awesome at your job, even if it's not what you wanted to do. | ||
I think about chefs a lot now, because I'm friends with a lot of celebrity chefs. | ||
That's not a fucking... | ||
You're a servant. | ||
You make food for people. | ||
That's not a glamorous thing, which my friends like David Chang and Bourdain... | ||
It's becoming more glamorous. | ||
Because they took a shitty job where it's like, fuck, I gotta stand on my feet and wear these weird clog shoes all day and all these, eh, this is too salty and take it back. | ||
It's like a shitty job. | ||
You're like a servant, but... | ||
They took that job and they made it glamorous. | ||
They fucking brought their fucking rock star passion energy to it. | ||
And now it's like, you know, I went to a chef convention, this thing, Mad Symposium in Copenhagen. | ||
And I mean, there's guys with like knife tattoos and weird facial piercings. | ||
And I'm like, is this like a rock star convention or something? | ||
And so they're artists. | ||
Well, yeah. | ||
And they brought that to that. | ||
And so I'm just like... | ||
Be fucking dope at your job, whatever it is. | ||
Well, I think being a chef is being an artist. | ||
I really do. | ||
I think cuisine is a form of art and the different flavors that you can put into someone's mouth. | ||
There's an art to that. | ||
I really learned that from Bourdain. | ||
Watching his show and the passion that he has for it, it's contagious. | ||
It makes you appreciate it. | ||
Yeah, guys like Bourdain brought it to your attention and so now it's like you meet kids that are like, I want to be a chef when I grow up and it's like that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That really didn't exist before. | ||
Everybody has something that they're really into. | ||
Some people are really into riding horses. | ||
I couldn't give a fuck about riding horses. | ||
Some people are really into, you know, fill in the blank. | ||
It's a matter of what your personality fits best with and trying to pursue it. | ||
One of the most insidious things that happens to young kids is not just the compromising early and falling into a slave job. | ||
It's being saddled with debt. | ||
Right. | ||
Being saddled with debt right off the bat. | ||
That happens so fucking often, man. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
So often, kids go to school, and then they accrue fucking $300,000 in school debt, and then they get out, and they're fucked. | ||
unidentified
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They're sick. | |
And they almost did it to themselves. | ||
Someone will tell them, look, college isn't four years now. | ||
It's more like five to six years. | ||
You're going to be like a quarter mil in the hole when you get out. | ||
And we're not going to teach you anything here that's going to teach you how to make money. | ||
You're just going to know a lot about psychology. | ||
Especially if you're doing something technologically based. | ||
By the time you get out, years later, that stuff's all... | ||
Yeah, and a lot of these professors are like dinosaurs. | ||
They're teaching you some shit that's irrelevant now. | ||
Yeah, there's a lot of that, for sure. | ||
And it's just also the idea of wanting to figure out what you want to do with your life and having to choose at 18. You're a baby. | ||
When you're 18 years old, you're a baby. | ||
You've only been alive for 18 years. | ||
It's nothing. | ||
It's not even anything. | ||
The last couple years is the first years you've been able to make your own decisions. | ||
Right. | ||
And all of a sudden you have to choose the course of your life. | ||
Then you got your parents harping on, David, you should be a doctor. | ||
David, you should be a lawyer. | ||
David, you should do this. | ||
You should do that. | ||
For the immigrant experience, a little bit hard. | ||
I mean, first of all, everyone who's an American is an immigrant. | ||
So it's like, that experience, the guilt level for the Koreans is like, I escaped from North Korea for you to stick a gun in a girl's butthole. | ||
They use that. | ||
The tanks and the fucking bombs I had to dodge for you to come here and do Hong Dynasty. | ||
Did your family come from North Korea? | ||
No, but I just say that. | ||
It's more dramatic. | ||
I'm sure someone... | ||
No, but, you know, my dad has the fucking crazy escape story. | ||
My mom has it, too. | ||
It's like... | ||
It's nuts, you know? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Since you brought up debt, can I speak for it for one second? | ||
Brought up debt? | ||
Like being in debt or whatever. | ||
So, I used to do this show, Thumbs Up. | ||
I just did the fourth season a year ago. | ||
It's still not out yet, but... | ||
What is it? | ||
It's just me hitchhiking across America. | ||
It's still not out. | ||
Well, three seasons of it are out on Vice, and then the fourth one's still being edited or whatever. | ||
The whole premise of the show is hitchhike from point A to point B, and you can't spend money on anything. | ||
It's just to show... | ||
Oh man, I'd love to have your life. | ||
I'd love to travel. | ||
I'm like, I've been hitchhiking since I was 15. I've only almost got raped twice. | ||
That's it. | ||
That's the worst that's ever happened. | ||
Only? | ||
Almost. | ||
How close? | ||
A finger in the butt doesn't count, right? | ||
No, I'm kidding. | ||
Or am I? So it's just, you know, it's weird now because I'm rich and I'm on the side of the road begging for a ride. | ||
But when I got to Detroit, basically, let me just show you guys. | ||
What do you got there? | ||
I'm going to bring out visual reference. | ||
You got someone's head in that bag? | ||
This is Harry Kim. | ||
He's my partner on Thumbs Up, our show. | ||
So you got a bag with his face on it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I love him. | ||
You had this made? | ||
So here's $100,000. | ||
This is $100,000 real dollars? | ||
Yeah, this is $100,000 real dollars. | ||
I never felt $100,000 before. | ||
Oh shit, it's kind of heavy. | ||
Damn, fat bricks. | ||
unidentified
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Cash, baby. | |
Get that pepper, kid. | ||
unidentified
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Sup? | |
I like hip-hop, Joe. | ||
So, when... | ||
I like to gamble, and when I got to Detroit, I didn't realize there was an MGM there. | ||
There's an MGM casino there. | ||
So in the middle of filming Thumbs Up Season 4, I won 10 grand at the casino. | ||
What do I need that for, you know? | ||
So, I've never been in Detroit before, or I haven't been in Detroit in, I don't know, since I was 15. You could buy Detroit for 10 grand. | ||
It looks horrible. | ||
It's pretty bad. | ||
And I've been to these third world countries. | ||
People are like, oh man, look at Bosnia. | ||
I'm like, look at America. | ||
It looks horrible. | ||
And I couldn't believe it. | ||
I was so shocked by it. | ||
Because you've heard stories about it. | ||
And I was like, I got filmed with so much emotion. | ||
I was like, you know, I'm just going to hide this money. | ||
And I just threw it and I hit it around, you know, in shitty areas. | ||
And I just put up a tweet. | ||
I said, hey, I just hit 10,000 in Detroit. | ||
And it's like... | ||
I heard about a guy doing that in San Francisco, and he's like, hey, if you find it, tweet it, and it's like this big social media experience. | ||
I'm like, I'm not doing a social media experience. | ||
I'm just like, hey, I'm fucking hiding money, and then I just walk around the block, and I tell all the homeless people, hey, I just threw 10 grand if you guys want to look for it. | ||
Why not just give them the money? | ||
Why not make it a fucking game? | ||
That's true. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Games are fun. | ||
You know what? | ||
People are like, I don't like to play games. | ||
I'm like, I love playing games. | ||
They're fun. | ||
So anyways, the people who found the money, I'm sure, didn't tweet about it and they're like, the backlash comes quickly. | ||
You fucking piece of shit. | ||
Fucking with poor people like that. | ||
This and that. | ||
I'm like, what? | ||
Because you didn't find the money? | ||
Would it be fucking with people if you said that you hid the money and you didn't? | ||
That's what they're implying. | ||
And I'm like, why would I do that? | ||
That's dumb. | ||
Well, I like fucking with people, but whenever I do shit with money, I just give it away. | ||
I don't want to fuck with it. | ||
It's like, hey, here's $100. | ||
Haha, take it away. | ||
I'm like, I'm not doing that. | ||
I'm a hoarder. | ||
I don't know if you know that. | ||
Are you really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
The house that I live in is actually half the size of this room, and I've lived there for 15 years, and it's just people don't understand it because they're like, you could live in a fucking mansion and have your own island and whatever, and I'm like, yeah, but I don't care. | ||
So I haven't gambled since I went to rehab for gambling and had my heart attack and all that stuff. | ||
When did this happen? | ||
35, so three years ago now. | ||
You went to rehab for gambling? | ||
I couldn't stop, man. | ||
And what they had done with the limits, because in Vegas the most you can bet on certain things is like 25,000 a hand on blackjack or whatever, is they raised it for me because they knew how much money I was worth, and I could bet a quarter million a hand on blackjack. | ||
So, you know, it could go pretty quickly. | ||
I mean, the shift's like, oh, I just won 10 million. | ||
Oh, I just lost everything, you know. | ||
How much did you lose? | ||
This is where the mercury poisoning comes in. | ||
Like, the height of my Vegas experience was, like, staying at the penthouse in every single casino, like all the high roller casinos, a harem of whores in each one, and just going downstairs and, like, winning 5 million here, going to, like, the next one, going upstairs, fucking, like, 10 girls in a row, going downstairs, winning 10 grand. | ||
What's the most you ever paid a prostitute? | ||
The most money I ever paid a whore... | ||
I like to say prostitute because I'm classy. | ||
Oh, sorry, sorry. | ||
Notice how I say that? | ||
Trying to be respectful. | ||
A sex worker. | ||
The most I ever offered a sex worker was 10 grand. | ||
She wasn't... | ||
This is some vampire shit. | ||
This is like when someone's not a sex worker. | ||
Yeah, it's like, hey, like... | ||
Hey, not into Asian, guys. | ||
Don't want to fuck you at all. | ||
Like, I have no desire to fuck you and you're really crass. | ||
You're a douchebag. | ||
You're crude. | ||
And I go, okay, so since I'm not denying any of that, Um, so, this is real money. | ||
Like, this isn't a joke. | ||
Like, I'll, you know, I'm gonna turn you into a whore. | ||
You said that to her? | ||
I'm gonna turn you into a sex worker. | ||
Did you say that to her? | ||
Yeah, it's actually all in this book. | ||
Oh. | ||
Yeah, this book is all watercolors and the text messages with women that people have no idea that, because they don't believe me. | ||
See my color chart here? | ||
It tells you what you are. | ||
Stripper, single mom, bush, like, whatever. | ||
Um... | ||
Can I read one? | ||
Sure, sure, sure. | ||
It's my favorite one. | ||
So you did it with text messages? | ||
Were you converted or you did it eye to eye? | ||
Uh... | ||
Oh, this one was Telephone, because I met her. | ||
This is a text message between me and a billionaire. | ||
Okay. | ||
At some point, I just stopped selling my paintings. | ||
I was like, I just either give them to free to my friends, or you can look at it for free on Instagram, or you can buy my books that are cheap, or you can go out and look at the murals I did. | ||
I'm not on this planet to make really expensive art for rich people, you know? | ||
Right. | ||
So this guy's like, and you tell a rich guy he can't buy a painting. | ||
He's like, how much? | ||
Yeah, how much? | ||
So I write to him. | ||
He goes, I don't know how much higher I can go. | ||
$180,000 is my final offer. | ||
I don't know what else you want. | ||
No response from me. | ||
Okay, okay. | ||
I get it. | ||
You don't care about money. | ||
But I saw you hit it off with my wife. | ||
How much for a night with her? | ||
And I write, I don't know. | ||
Let me get her lips off my dick right now and I'll ask her. | ||
So it's like... | ||
This is shit that happens that people are like, no it didn't. | ||
Is he playing? | ||
Is this guy serious? | ||
Is he playing around? | ||
When you get to that level of money, I know rich guys that pay dudes to fuck their wives. | ||
It gets weird. | ||
Hey, I was getting there. | ||
So tell me about this girl, this $10,000 girl. | ||
Oh, so she doesn't believe me. | ||
Right. | ||
And then I take a picture. | ||
I go, I'm holding 10 grand right now. | ||
And she goes, fuck you, you piece of shit. | ||
Like, you think you can buy me? | ||
I go, all right, fine, whatever. | ||
I don't think much about it. | ||
She calls me two months later. | ||
Two months? | ||
Two months later. | ||
Whatever happened in her life or whatever, two months goes by. | ||
I don't know, a month. | ||
I have no idea. | ||
The text is, is the offer still good? | ||
Oh! | ||
I don't even know who the girl is. | ||
I go, who is this? | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
She calls me and she goes, you offer me 10 grand. | ||
And I go, no, it's 5 grand now. | ||
And she goes, you piece... | ||
I go, I offered you 10 grand when I was horniest and I was playing a game and I wanted it that bad. | ||
I'm like... | ||
I'm like, no vagina. | ||
The most any man should ever pay for a vagina is two grand. | ||
The most? | ||
The most. | ||
But what about that Robert Edford movie with Demi Moore? | ||
They should remake it with two grand. | ||
It's like, well, I play this game, it's a dumb game, but, you know, I've played with Asa and people on our show, it's like, someone who's not a whore. | ||
A person who has a regular job, bartender, fucking, I don't know, something where you make, like, you're middle class. | ||
What does it cost? | ||
For a person who's not a prostitute, who's single, who has a normal job, to just go up to them and go, I will pay any amount of money to fuck you. | ||
Is it the Robert Redford movie? | ||
Is it a million? | ||
And like, I go, for a normal chick, like, I don't know, 20 grand maybe? | ||
10 grand? | ||
30 grand, something? | ||
As long as they know that no one's going to find out. | ||
Yeah, no one will ever find out. | ||
That's the big thing. | ||
They just don't want the shame. | ||
And that's the real problem with the whole idea of prostitution, is the shame. | ||
And every girl I asked, they're like, I don't know, 5 grand? | ||
3 grand? | ||
2 grand? | ||
I'm like, whoa, I shot it way too high. | ||
All the guys always say something like 20 and up, and all the girls that... | ||
Or maybe it's just the women in love. | ||
All the guys, if you want to fuck the guy... | ||
No, no, no. | ||
When I ask guys, what do you think? | ||
Oh, what do they think the number was? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Now, this girl, when you said, now it's five grand, what did she say then? | ||
She said, go fuck yourself. | ||
So you didn't have sex? | ||
No, then she called me back, and then she came, and she fucked me, and then she didn't take the money. | ||
And she left, and I thought she forgot. | ||
I said, hey, you didn't take the money. | ||
It's still on the thing. | ||
She said, go fuck yourself. | ||
And then, you know. | ||
What? | ||
We have a weird... | ||
And we still fuck now. | ||
We have a weird relationship. | ||
What a good kid. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Giving off freebies. | ||
So she was basically attracted to you. | ||
I don't know. | ||
In some sort of a strange way. | ||
This is the worst answer, but when you say what's the most ever paid, it's with my soul and time. | ||
I mean, when money's no object for me, it's when people waste my fucking time and they play games with me and they suck my life force out. | ||
That's what costs me the most. | ||
Now, I want to get into something with you. | ||
Because you were involved in this gigantic fucking controversy. | ||
Right. | ||
And knowing you, I know you, and I know the way you communicate, and I know the way you fuck around with things, and the way you talk about things. | ||
You told a story on your podcast, DVD ASA, about getting a massage therapist to give you a blowjob. | ||
Right. | ||
And by forcing her head onto the dick. | ||
Face fucking her. | ||
Face fucking her. | ||
And everybody decided that you were a rapist, that you had raped her, and that you faced this massive amount of backlash online. | ||
Alright, well first of all, because I do the news, For Vice. | ||
And to see if I interview a Norwegian general or something and he says something, we fact check it. | ||
We fact check the fact and it's like, oh, okay. | ||
And then it's like, we're presenting ourselves as news people. | ||
It has to be accurate. | ||
Now, people who just like some, I don't know, like the TMZ, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton type of shit where it's like, we heard this and then they just, it's all like, this guy's a piece of shit and it's just all gossip, rumor stuff. | ||
I'm not even trying to defend myself. | ||
I totally fucked up on that end. | ||
Your shit is live, my shit is not live. | ||
When I record a show, I record usually five to six hours, three shows back to back, because we're not around a lot. | ||
You release one a week? | ||
Well, yeah, we did two a week for a year and a half, and then it's like... | ||
Hey, the show... | ||
I don't know, like, I know the first time I came on your show, you're like, I don't like to talk about my wife or my family, this and that, and, like, that's where you draw the line. | ||
My thing is I don't have a line. | ||
Like, I'll talk about anything. | ||
And I noticed that... | ||
I started to, like, in true artist form, be extremely self-destructive. | ||
Forget about, like, talking about heads of companies and this and that. | ||
It's like... | ||
Wow, I'm really like, oh my god, this girl that I just met won't fuck me. | ||
Oh, I heard you say horrible stuff about this and that. | ||
I'm throwing myself under the bus constantly with my own show. | ||
And were you doing it to get a reaction when you were doing all this stuff? | ||
Yeah, basically what happened was my friend, who's a lawyer, said... | ||
Dude, you're getting into a lot of trouble. | ||
So I'm like, here's a show I don't have to do at all. | ||
It's costing me money, time, headache. | ||
There's like weird stalkers hanging out outside. | ||
You know, it's like it was getting bad. | ||
It was ruining my life. | ||
And everyone's like, why are you doing it? | ||
And I'm like, because it's It feels good. | ||
Because it's impulsive. | ||
Because I like it. | ||
It's wild. | ||
So he goes, look, there's a lot of people that you're talking about that they don't want you to talk about them. | ||
They have real lives. | ||
They have real jobs. | ||
I'd say almost every celebrity we've had on our show is asked to take the show down or have it edited. | ||
Except for Joe. | ||
Joe was cool. | ||
But he said, look, If you want to tell a story about, like, let's say Michael Jordan. | ||
I don't know Michael Jordan, but, like, say you were friends with Michael Jordan, and you want to tell a story about Michael Jordan, and it's not... | ||
Say a famous white baseball player, so then it's, like, still a famous person, you know? | ||
He's like, change the race. | ||
If the point of the story isn't who it is and what happened, and change the race, change the... | ||
when it happened, and change, like, as many details without fucking up the story, you know? | ||
And so, it was our third show of the day. | ||
And my show was like chaotic. | ||
I mean, you've been on. | ||
There's like six people talking over each other at the same time. | ||
And I was trying to tell this story and no one was paying attention. | ||
And I don't listen. | ||
Like, when this show ends, do you listen to yourself? | ||
No. | ||
I never listen to myself. | ||
And that was the one time where I was like, man, these guys aren't listening. | ||
So I exaggerated a little. | ||
All the bad shit that happened to me, I deserved it. | ||
I never should have... | ||
Told the story the way I told it. | ||
I should have never, like, whatever. | ||
Anyways, I'm like, whatever. | ||
I'm not a rapist. | ||
And it's like, well, that's what all rapists say. | ||
I'm not a fucking rapist. | ||
And then people started bumping me in with Terry Richardson. | ||
I'm like, nobody came out of the woodwork because I don't fucking treat people like that, you know? | ||
And it's like, oh, he face fucked her. | ||
I'm like... | ||
The number one thing, because I have been in prison five times, is because of growing up with these movies, American Me, whatever, whenever I go to jail, I'm like, I'm not black, I'm not white, I'm the minority in prison. | ||
Someone's going to try to rape me, you know? | ||
So then I think... | ||
Would you rather get fucked in your mouth or your ass? | ||
You know, like those kind of questions. | ||
And yeah, I've been to prison five times. | ||
No one's ever tried to, I don't know, really try to fuck my ass or face fuck me. | ||
Did that disappoint you? | ||
A little bit. | ||
I felt a little bit, you know, I'm like, come on. | ||
Not a bad looking guy. | ||
But the show ended and my manager comes in and goes, do you ever listen to your own show? | ||
I go, no. | ||
He goes, that was the worst sounding shit. | ||
He goes, I know you. | ||
You sort of exaggerated and told that story weird. | ||
You should just cut that out. | ||
I'm like, well, then I would be a hypocrite. | ||
Just put it out. | ||
No one gives a shit anyways. | ||
Then, you know, like all these blog gossiping bullshit and they blow it out of proportion and I'm like... | ||
Wow, the show that I created in the first place, like, what happened was, when all this Facebook shit happened, I went on Howard Stern where I talked for two hours unedited, right? | ||
And it was live. | ||
Then I went on Barbara Walters and she butchered my thing and just took out like tidbits of... | ||
Out of context. | ||
Yeah, and I was like, fuck this. | ||
I'm going to have my own show where no one can ever fuck with me because it's going to be from my perspective. | ||
And what I did was I fucking shot myself in... | ||
I'm the only person ever fucking person in a sex scandal where there's no victim except for myself. | ||
And I did it to myself. | ||
I'm like, there's no fucking one coming forward. | ||
The feminists are like, wait till this chick comes forward and we're going to all get behind her and pay her legal fees because Dave's rich. | ||
And I'm like, no one's coming forward. | ||
There's nobody there. | ||
It's like... | ||
Like, the girl likes me and I face fuck her like every week now. | ||
It's like, it's like, face fucking is not rape. | ||
It's like, ah, ah, ah. | ||
It's like fun. | ||
Like, you know what happens when you don't want to face fuck somebody? | ||
You bite their dick off. | ||
That's what happens. | ||
That can happen. | ||
That is an option. | ||
So, like, when you were doing it, is it just you just get caught up in the moment? | ||
You're just trying to be entertaining? | ||
Are you trying to just be controversial, to be exciting? | ||
I just got... | ||
I was really tired. | ||
This is exactly what happened. | ||
No one... | ||
I was losing control of the show, and like look, everyone always goes, why don't you just do your own show? | ||
You fucking talk forever. | ||
Why don't you do a show like, you know, Adam Carolla or Joe's where it's just like you and like one other person or two other people? | ||
Why do you have like ten guys on your show, you know? | ||
And so I was just losing control of the show. | ||
It was tired, it was late, and I was like, I'm gonna say something a little bit... | ||
More exaggerated so that they'll perk up their ears, which it did. | ||
They're like, oh, you know, and then, look, and then the shitstorm started and it's like, I was like, well, who cares? | ||
Like, I didn't do it. | ||
I didn't do anything. | ||
Yeah, but from their point of view. | ||
No, no, of course. | ||
So think about it from the point of view of people that are listening to that and, you know, the whole concept of rape culture. | ||
You're promoting rape. | ||
First of all, can I just say during that whole thing, Joe is like the only one of my celebrity buddies that called me and was like, he was a good friend. | ||
So thank you for that. | ||
Well, you're welcome. | ||
First of all, I don't know if you raped somebody, but I don't think you ever would. | ||
I could be wrong, obviously you could be wrong, but I listened to your explanation of it, and I know what it's like when you're doing a podcast, because Sometimes you're just trying to be entertaining. | ||
I've seen people exaggerate stories. | ||
I've been on podcasts before where people have told stories that I know what really happened, and they're trying to make it better by adding a little to it. | ||
But the way you did, it was pretty crazy. | ||
Yeah, if you and me went through some crazy shit and we were like, let's talk about it without getting that guy in trouble, then we have to change some details. | ||
Yeah, you gotta dance around and turn it into a rape session. | ||
But to the people that... | ||
Listen to it. | ||
I kind of see their point. | ||
Oh, when I went... | ||
100%, right? | ||
Like I said, when I went back and heard it, it sounds horrible. | ||
Right. | ||
That's why I'm like, everyone who got down on me... | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
Like, I deserve... | ||
Like, knowing who I am, and then, like, hearing, like, that thing, I was like, whoa, that sounds bad. | ||
Like, so, you know, but my defense, my delusional defense of, like, but I didn't do it. | ||
It's like, if I said anything, it just sounds... | ||
Anytime anyone tries to defend themselves, it sounds horrible. | ||
I was like, whatever. | ||
I mean... | ||
I totally understand what you're saying. | ||
And I understand it from a point of someone who does podcasts, too, that you can say things sometimes that you don't mean it even. | ||
You're just trying to be fun or titillating or, in your case, trying to be really controversial to change the tone of the room. | ||
You just fucked up. | ||
You know, Patrice O'Neill was talking about something once. | ||
We were talking about people trying to be funny, that sometimes people say really offensive things. | ||
That they're trying to be funny and it fails. | ||
And that they're a horrible person. | ||
And he's like, but if they said something that wasn't offensive and funny, and it succeeded and made you laugh, it comes from the same place. | ||
It comes from this place of trying to make something entertaining. | ||
And you make mistakes when you're doing things live. | ||
Look, you've been on our show, and I need to go back to the North Korea-America thing. | ||
It's like, I know I'm not a murderer. | ||
I know I'm not a racist. | ||
So why can't I say, like, AIDS jokes? | ||
It's like, I get it now. | ||
It's like, oh, well, you have a responsibility. | ||
People will hear that and think, you know? | ||
It's like, when I'm with Asa and we're not on the air and we're just saying the worst shit to each other, it's like, who cares? | ||
It's not true. | ||
Well, you're also dealing with Asa Akira, who's like one of the most hardcore of hardcore porn stars ever. | ||
Right. | ||
So, like, her tolerance level and what she thinks is funny and controversial is so different. | ||
Well, that's what has happened is... | ||
Hanging out and I'm not blaming also. | ||
It's like I have a lot of porn friends and I have a lot of disturbed Yoshi like a lot of disturbed people and so when we fuck with each other, you know, and you know comedians and like like You start to forget that there's normal people out there Yeah, you're like, oh wow like that like, you know me and my friends when we get together horrible like I told you about Steve Lee and Bill Poon doing the Macau Brothers. | ||
So Steve's the lead singer of my band now. | ||
I started a band called Monchi with Money Mark from the Beastie Boys. | ||
Steve never gets laid. | ||
He fucks a pocket pussy every night, right? | ||
And so... | ||
I say, hey, dude, if something happens with our band, you're the lead singer. | ||
You're going to start getting laid all the time, and you put pussy way up on a pedestal. | ||
He gets so distracted if a girl likes one of his photos on Instagram. | ||
He's like, Dave, look at her. | ||
And I go, hey, you've got to concentrate on learning these lyrics. | ||
Get into this shit. | ||
So I said, you know what? | ||
I'm gonna take you to Vegas. | ||
We're gonna have an old-school... | ||
Like, when I was in the height of my gambling, we're gonna have an old-school orgy, and you're gonna fuck non-stop. | ||
And you're gonna learn that pussy is... | ||
It's just sex. | ||
It's not like this... | ||
You know? | ||
And he's like, I'm all for that, Dave. | ||
unidentified
|
So... | |
Thumbs up. | ||
I'll show you a cool video after. | ||
So we go to Vegas, and he's getting his dick sucked by two women at the same time, going... | ||
unidentified
|
Dave, this is amazing! | |
Oh my god, this is so warm and wet. | ||
This is like the best feeling ever. | ||
And he's having the best time. | ||
And he's like, oh wow, I've never had a threesome before. | ||
I go, there's another one coming. | ||
So he had like one threesome after the next. | ||
And I'm on the bed just filming it for him because I'm like... | ||
I'm like, dude, you'll want to watch this later. | ||
I'm like, every time you think like, oh, like this girl, whatever, like, just remember you getting one ball in her mouth, one ball in this other chick's mouth. | ||
And you ever see, this is a little bit off topic, but you ever see that Seinfeld where the guy converts to Judaism so he could tell Jew jokes? | ||
So I'm sitting on the bed filming Steve get his dick sucked by two women, and one of them stops and he starts fucking one chick. | ||
And she's like, look at his butt, it's so cute. | ||
I go, yeah, Steve's got a really cute butt. | ||
And she goes, should I stick my finger in it? | ||
And I go, yeah, go for it. | ||
And he goes, no, no, don't do it, exit only. | ||
But he's still fucking the girl. | ||
So she goes, she spits a loogie in his ass, and I go, I'm going to stick my finger in his ass. | ||
No! | ||
So, I stick my finger in his ass and I go, can I start saying fag jokes now? | ||
I'm like, I'm pretty much committed a gay act. | ||
Hey, you can't say fag. | ||
And I go, but I did something gay right now. | ||
So, I don't know. | ||
It's like... | ||
Yeah, your tolerance level and your level of what is acceptable, what's entertaining. | ||
I come back, I tell people this shit, and then we find out that Bill, who fucked like 30 hookers, he's 53, he can't come. | ||
I go, what do you mean? | ||
He goes, I don't use my hands, and I wear women's underwear, and I use the tightness of the band around my boner, and I twerk back and forth until I come, and I go... | ||
What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
So then we made another TV show that we haven't filmed yet, which is, I go, wait, so when you fuck hookers? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I go, that doesn't feel good to you? | ||
He goes, no. | ||
I go, then why, come then, why don't you come? | ||
He goes, and so I go, your thing is psychological. | ||
What is it? | ||
And I go, is it something where you feel like the girl doesn't deserve your cum or something? | ||
So I made a whole new TV show for him called Girlfriend Experience, and I'm sending him to Colombia, and I paid a model that looks like Sofia Vergara. | ||
Bill, if you're listening, not the most attractive guy, like a... | ||
Short, like, very fat, nerdy-looking Asian guy with a girl... | ||
Like, basically, I told a girl, you can't ever talk about money. | ||
You have to trick him and pretend like you're his girlfriend for 30 days and then see if he finally comes. | ||
So it's like a whole TV show. | ||
If you fuck 30 hookers and you don't... | ||
Basically... | ||
Sorry. | ||
That's my life now. | ||
So that feels normal. | ||
So when I talk about this shit with you or my friends, it's like, whatever, that's weird. | ||
We just talked about an Asian guy that twerks in women's panties to come. | ||
And then you're like, oh, wait, maybe this isn't polite dinner conversation. | ||
Maybe, like, my worldview's a little bit skewed and it's a little... | ||
You know, it's like... | ||
You know? | ||
It's like... | ||
You know, I'm not the best person to bring to, like, a dinner party with wives and stuff. | ||
You know? | ||
Like... | ||
Yeah, that's definitely not polite dinner conversation. | ||
Right, so it's like, I don't know, and you've been on our show, it's like when you go in the room and the doors close and then everyone just starts fucking, you just like, you forget that another world exists, you know? | ||
Yeah, when everybody starts talking about crazy shit, you sort of like get into that mode and it becomes acceptable. | ||
Like, if you're around people that never swear and someone walks in the room and says fuck, it's like, oh! | ||
Oh my goodness! | ||
But if you're around people that are constantly swearing, you don't even, it doesn't even, like this conversation here, nothing's registered. | ||
You'll say, this fucking this or that, it means nothing. | ||
But if the president said it in a speech, you personally would be like, whoa, he just said fuck! | ||
And so I was like... | ||
You get used to it. | ||
Maybe I gave myself too much credit. | ||
I'm like, hey, I have... | ||
I've developed my... | ||
You know, I've branded myself as a fucking crazy artist guy and I can do anything. | ||
And I'm like, oh, I guess not. | ||
You know? | ||
It's like... | ||
You know, like when you tell someone you're an artist, like it's sort of like free... | ||
Like you can do whatever. | ||
But not rape. | ||
That's where... | ||
I know. | ||
You're victimizing someone. | ||
Well, I found out... | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Like... | |
You made a mistake. | ||
My whole thing is like... | ||
I'm around a lot, you know, and I'm not saying this at all to get sympathy, but, like, I get raped all the time. | ||
Like, women grab and touch me and do shit to me that I don't want, and it doesn't count because I'm a guy, and I'm not even... | ||
Please, please, I'm not saying it all because, like, I like it. | ||
Whether it's rape or not, it's like, yeah, I got molested, all this shit, it's like... | ||
How's it molesting you if you like it? | ||
Because I don't want it, and then it's like, I like that I don't... | ||
Joe, are we so simple that we can't have conflicting emotions at the same time? | ||
I love and hate you at the same time. | ||
No, when it starts, I'm like, I definitely don't want this chick to be touching me, and then it's like... | ||
Then it feels good. | ||
Well, I'm a sick person. | ||
I'm a sick, demented person, and... | ||
Well, that was part of what you were talking about when you were talking about this experience. | ||
You were talking about the fact that it might be kind of rapey was what got you off. | ||
And you were saying that... | ||
Again, you're around a bunch of fucking perverts who are all trying to take it to the next level. | ||
Also was like, so you're a rapist? | ||
And I was like, yes, I'm a rapist. | ||
And it's like, no, I'm not a rapist, but it's like, I know I'm not, so we're joking. | ||
And you kind of forget also that a lot of other people that don't understand your sensibility are going to be listening to this. | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
You assume that the people that get it, like on my message board, my message board is like this ridiculous message board, and some of the subjects are just so... | ||
But everybody kind of understands the tone of the board, so they'll say something really fucked up, and if it was on any other message board, people might read it and go, what the fuck did this guy just say? | ||
But it became normal. | ||
Well, yeah. | ||
I still am not there yet. | ||
It's like, when I have... | ||
When I get new fans from, like, being on the Bourdain show or if I'm reporting the next Cold War coming, that's serious shit. | ||
And then they come over, they're like, oh, I like this guy. | ||
I wonder what else he's up to. | ||
Rape. | ||
And they're like, whoa, fuck! | ||
Right. | ||
You know, so it's like, I don't know. | ||
But they'll figure it out eventually. | ||
That's you. | ||
I mean, you're still you. | ||
You're still doing the same shit, obviously. | ||
Can I just say something about that? | ||
It's like, if someone's not a rapist, it's like, it's such a huge... | ||
Fucking thing to call someone that when they're not and it's like you're literally like ruining that guy's life. | ||
But how would they know that you're not a rapist? | ||
That's the problem. | ||
They would assume that you are. | ||
I saw people that I know call you a rapist and I was like, oh, this is a mess. | ||
I'm like, you don't even know me. | ||
But they're basing it on what you said. | ||
And so it's your fault. | ||
We both agree with that. | ||
Zero defense, no fault. | ||
From what I said, it sounds horrible. | ||
You know me, you're like, Dave's just being there. | ||
I know your whole thing. | ||
Your style of communicating. | ||
And I know that show, which is crazy. | ||
I love your show. | ||
I love your show. | ||
I love the Hong Dynasty shit. | ||
I love all this wacky shit you do. | ||
Thank you. | ||
Other than the rape stuff, I really think it's important to have a guy like you out there. | ||
Thank you. | ||
That's pushing the boundaries. | ||
I think what you said about Jackie Chan, it's funny, but it's fucking important. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Because in terms of identifying and communicating about racism, that's a real racist thing. | ||
And for a person who's Asian, that's got to be kind of fucked up. | ||
It is. | ||
It is kind of fucked up. | ||
There's a Charlie Sheen out there that's banging hookers, and it's like, yeah, go Charlie! | ||
But then you do it, and it's like, oh, Dave's creepy. | ||
But the people that come at me the most, Asian women. | ||
They're mad at you. | ||
Yeah, they're mad at me. | ||
Because you're fucking white chicks, that's why. | ||
You're all Asian all the time. | ||
But this is what it's done. | ||
Like, you get in on the gravy train. | ||
It's like, oh, is Dave full of shit or this and this and this? | ||
So, like I said, during the height of that, like, crazy Vegas era, I would be going to Vegas all the time with, like, a hundred grand, a million dollars in, like, a pillowcase in my backpack. | ||
As much that looks like this. | ||
You went to Vegas with a million dollars in a pillowcase? | ||
All the time. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
All the time. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
And so... | ||
That's the most money I've ever seen in my life, by the way. | ||
I've never seen $100,000 in cash. | ||
So check this out, Joe. | ||
I'm cleaning my room for the first time in seven years since I lived in my hoarder's nest. | ||
It's just filthy. | ||
I find a shoebox, and I'm like, oh, $100,000 from the Vegas era. | ||
And I go, fuck. | ||
You know, Critter... | ||
I don't want to get into how much shit he does for me, but I sat here tearing him down about what a horrible personal trainer. | ||
He does... | ||
Shit that like I can't even talk about here. | ||
That's like the he's the he's my Lime shovels. | ||
Yeah, so I just I just gave him this I was like you take this cuz you're the fucking man. | ||
He's like I don't want your dirty money He's like I don't I don't get I'm not I'm not a whore like I'm not gonna get paid for the whatever so I was like Let's do it for all the people that go if I was I know a hundred thousand dollars isn't a like Million dollars, but it's like... | ||
A lot of money. | ||
It's good. | ||
Get a kid out of debt, whatever. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And so all these people complaining, oh, if I was rich or this and that, or it's easy, or... | ||
Because I did... | ||
So this hundred grand cash, like this, I'm just going to give it to someone. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
It's not like some weird, like, oh, fill out this form and we take half, or... | ||
I'm just going to give it to you, but you have to go around the United States, and you've got to do all... | ||
Right. | ||
Critter put all these clues in place, and immediately they're like, well, we're not rich like you. | ||
I go, I've traveled around the United States for nothing, and they're like, oh, well, we have lives, we have jobs. | ||
I go, it's $100,000. | ||
That's why you would do it. | ||
And with all this shit, they're like, we never even know if this guy's serious or not, so I'm putting $100,000 up in this Critter's cross-country cash contest scavenger hunt. | ||
That's what it's called? | ||
Ten people are playing. | ||
Only ten? | ||
Ten people are playing. | ||
I bet there's more now. | ||
Well, yeah, I mean, I wanted to- Critters Cross Country Cash Contest. | ||
All the details are at DVDASA.com. | ||
It's five C-C. Critters Cross Country Cash. | ||
Five C's. | ||
Okay, here's the problem with that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Your DVD ASA page, anybody can go there and just fuck with it. | ||
No, the contest is the only thing on the thing that you can't fuck with. | ||
You can't fuck with that. | ||
Can you change the threat level? | ||
You could do it right now. | ||
Someone can change the threat level? | ||
Yeah, sure. | ||
Why not? | ||
Remember when that was like a big deal? | ||
Like every day. | ||
I've been talking about this lately with my friends. | ||
My threat level's at, what, Orange all the time, man. | ||
It's bad. | ||
Do you remember when it was like that, though? | ||
Like every day you'd look at the news, the terrorist threat level would be in the news? | ||
Well, that was closer to like 9-11. | ||
That shit was so ridiculous. | ||
And it makes people like uneasy and stuff. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, of course. | |
That's the point of it. | ||
And it's also a good thing for the news. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Did you hear threat levels at Orange? | ||
Right. | ||
Motherfuckers. | ||
Right. | ||
Those goddamn Arabs. | ||
Joe, I love you. | ||
I love you too, buddy. | ||
You're a fucking awesome guy, man. | ||
You're a good dude. | ||
It helps me to come on the show and talk to you about this stuff, because I know you go through a lot of the similar shit. | ||
Everyone wanted to know why I'm so calm in the last three months. | ||
It's because I took my show down, and it's not for any reason that people think. | ||
It's literally like... | ||
I was sitting at home one day, and there was a glitch on our website, and they're like, oh, the next episode can't go up tomorrow. | ||
I'm like, why? | ||
He's like, oh, we gotta call a guy and fix this thing. | ||
And then I was just sitting there and thinking, I was reading a comic book, and I was like... | ||
I don't have to do this. | ||
I don't have to do this. | ||
I don't know what your fans are like, but my fans are horrible. | ||
That's why Critter's here today. | ||
I knew if I showed this money, maybe someone's going to drive here right now. | ||
I think that you're always going to have some horrible people that are out there, no matter what you do. | ||
First of all, you have great fans, because every time I do your show, I go outside, I go to the supermarket. | ||
They're like, who do you want, Joe? | ||
And they're so nice. | ||
Our fans are fucking great, too, but then there's that handful of... | ||
If I talk about something, then they'll definitely go out of their way to, like... | ||
Like, if I try to, like, mask the girl that I'm talking about without giving away her identity, they'll put the clues together, figure out who it is, call her and be like, hey, Dave said horrible shit about you. | ||
They're usually wrong. | ||
And they just live to sabotage me. | ||
Why do you think that is? | ||
I honestly try to figure that out. | ||
Like, I don't watch a lot of television, but, like, you know how there's, like... | ||
All this reality TV, the Kardashians and all this shit, the Housewives, and people are like, I hate this show, but I can't stop watching. | ||
I really feel like there's people that hate me, that watch everything I do. | ||
I could be wrong about this. | ||
I get excited, and I'm like, cool, I have a show where I can talk about anything. | ||
I talk about it, and then I find out... | ||
We did a couple episodes in Big Bear, and I was like, cool, we're doing shows in Big Bear. | ||
While we're doing the shows in Big Bear, because we said that, someone went online, found out the address of the thing, blasted it on the line, wrote the manager and said, hey, there's a disgusting porn star and a fucking rapist artist there doing, you know, and the landlord calls us and he's like, hey, like, what's the, like, we're trying to have this, like, we spent a million dollars building this, like, nice resort honeymoon Big Bear Ranch and you guys are turning it into what? | ||
So was this post the internet controversy or pre? | ||
After. | ||
Post. | ||
So I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
Right. | ||
You gotta assume that then people are looking at you as a target. | ||
They're going after you. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
But I'm also, like I said, I don't need to be painting this bright fucking bullseye on me all the time. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
So I was like, you know what? | ||
I'm just gonna take a vacation. | ||
I'm gonna take a break. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But we're back. | ||
We're up there. | ||
You gotta do it again. | ||
Well, it's up there. | ||
It's back. | ||
There's our disgusting DVD, say, Wikipedia page. | ||
Are you recording new episodes? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, the thing is, I never stopped. | ||
I never stopped recording. | ||
We have like 30, 50 episodes. | ||
I don't even know. | ||
So the entire time you're just recording them and not releasing them? | ||
Yeah, if someone shot me in the head today, I'd have like a year's worth of podcast to just... | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
You can't stop this shit, motherfucker! | ||
You can't stop this shit! | ||
DBDA safe forever! | ||
Fuck, man. | ||
People are going to be very happy. | ||
People were very bummed out. | ||
On my website, my message board, people were very bummed out that you took your show down. | ||
Well, I'm like, I'm always like, who gives a shit? | ||
People do. | ||
People give a shit. | ||
But you gotta understand, okay, as your friend, this persona that you've created. | ||
Who you are. | ||
Your actual human existence. | ||
Who you are. | ||
And then on top of that, all the hyperbole and exaggeration and fun and chaos and all the stuff that you're doing. | ||
All the... | ||
Machine guns and buttholes and all this chaos, you're automatically going to attract a certain amount of unsavory attention. | ||
I've learned that now. | ||
Plus, people are fucking haters. | ||
There's a lot of haters out there. | ||
It just makes me stronger. | ||
They want to not like something. | ||
They're looking for something to distract them from the miserable existence that they're caught up in. | ||
And then there's also people that think, hey, this guy's a piece of shit rapist. | ||
I have a target now. | ||
And then they go after you because of that. | ||
Well, how do you deal with it? | ||
I'm not a piece of shit rapist. | ||
No, I'm not saying you're a very nice person. | ||
I'm just saying, I know you have crazy fans. | ||
You're always going to get crazy people. | ||
You're always going to get a certain amount of them. | ||
I try. | ||
One of the reasons why, I mean, I assume one of the reasons why the people that like this show are so nice, my fans are so nice, is because I'm a nice person. | ||
And you can also fuck them up. | ||
That doesn't matter. | ||
People can shoot you. | ||
People always say, if I was you, I would go kick people's asses. | ||
That doesn't last. | ||
You kick people's asses. | ||
They don't like that. | ||
They shoot you. | ||
They stab you. | ||
They run you over the car. | ||
Just be nice. | ||
Martial arts is supposed to be about developing your character. | ||
About figuring out how you overcome difficult obstacles and how that makes you a better person. | ||
To not fight. | ||
That's what it is for me. | ||
Right. | ||
So, it's not about that, but it's also about being confident so you don't have to worry about as many people kicking your ass. | ||
There's always going to be some people that can kick your ass, no matter who you are, really. | ||
Right. | ||
Unless you're at the top of the fucking heap. | ||
And then you're only at the top of the heap for a certain amount of time. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
I mean, when Cain Velasquez beat the fuck out of Brock Lesnar, everybody was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
You could be a guy like Brock Lesnar, and somewhere out there, there's this badass dude with brown pride tattooed on his chest who just beats the shit out of you. | ||
There's always going to be someone. | ||
There's always going to be someone. | ||
Most likely. | ||
But... | ||
I think you put out a certain energy and you get back a certain energy. | ||
It's the metaphor I said. | ||
In high school, I fought almost every weekend, didn't win 90% of them, still did it. | ||
So if that says anything about you... | ||
There's nothing... | ||
I mean, short of putting a bullet in my head, there's nothing... | ||
You getting in that black guy putting you in the thing and humiliating you, it's like... | ||
I've been embarrassed, humiliated. | ||
I've been called a rapist. | ||
I've lost love and finance. | ||
Anything bad you can do to me, I've been in jail. | ||
I've almost gotten raped. | ||
There's nothing you can do to me that I haven't done worse to myself. | ||
But you've grown from all this stuff, right? | ||
I think so. | ||
Have you grown from this personal experience? | ||
I think so. | ||
The rapist experience? | ||
The virtual rapist experience? | ||
Yeah. | ||
But you know that putting that out there now, even though it's innocent and you're trying to entertain... | ||
Look, when I... Like, the stand-up thing that I threw up on Vidme, it's like the first time I tried it. | ||
Like, you could see I'm shaky. | ||
I'm trying to find words. | ||
Like, I... Broadcasting, I don't know how many episodes you're up now, like 600 or something? | ||
And you've been on TV. I've been a quiet guy drawing werewolves my whole life, and I've just started to do this shit. | ||
I'm trying to figure out who I am. | ||
I'm trying to, you know, I'm... | ||
I'm learning. | ||
And I don't mind people judging me as I learn. | ||
And I know that's going to happen with the haters and stuff. | ||
But it's like, look, if you want to hate on me, go ahead. | ||
I'm like, I'm sorry if it didn't turn out exactly the way you wanted. | ||
I'm sorry if I offended you. | ||
Actually, I'm not. | ||
I'm not sorry if I offended you. | ||
But it's just like, you know, I'm learning. | ||
I have my heroes, like Stern and whoever growing up. | ||
It's like... | ||
There's a little bit of emulation, but then there's also like I want to be my own person So I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to figure out my voice and in the meantime like yeah, I'm falling I'm failing here. | ||
So I hopefully I'm learning from this experience was also the There's an I don't know if there's an art or a skill to being the public eye and expressing yourself because I have not mastered that yet There's shit that we all do, and I know, you know, you hang around with guys that I know, like Bobby, who's fucking crazy. | ||
Bobby Lee's crazy. | ||
And there's shit that Bobby and I have done just hanging out at the Comedy Store to make each other laugh. | ||
Well, Bobby said, like, ridiculously dark, fucked up shit to me, and I'll howl laughing. | ||
I know he's not being honest, but if anybody else came along and didn't know Bobby and heard him say that, It could be misconstrued. | ||
And when you're broadcasting it to the whole world, you're inviting a bunch of people who don't know you as a human. | ||
What you just said is a commercial for my show. | ||
We say some fucking horrible shit and if you're part of the family, if you're part of the whole, you're in on it, then you get it. | ||
If you're just like, oh, I saw him on HBO, let me check him out. | ||
You're like, what the fuck did I just hear right now? | ||
Maybe you should hire someone. | ||
To go over all the DVD ASAs as you do them, and then at the end of the episode, go, what do you got for me? | ||
Well, you said you raped someone. | ||
Oh, I definitely didn't do that. | ||
Let me explain. | ||
I was bullshitting there. | ||
Well, you said you robbed some gangsters and you fucked them in the ass with a dildo. | ||
Well, I didn't. | ||
Right. | ||
But I can't talk about that story. | ||
Well, we solved the problem. | ||
I don't need to hire anyone. | ||
DVD ASA, if you go to DVDASA.com... | ||
You can listen to it on iTunes or whatever, but if you want to watch it, it's on that Vidme site now because I don't want to censor anything. | ||
We broadcast from an insane asylum now. | ||
From a real insane asylum? | ||
From inside an insane asylum, and so it's like, hey, guess what? | ||
I'm fucking crazy. | ||
How do you get to an insane asylum? | ||
Look at the thing right now. | ||
Okay. | ||
Hey, Big Bucks gets you whatever you need. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, check it out. | ||
Where does it say it? | ||
This is a whole thing now. | ||
It's all black dicks. | ||
Ever since the show started, your entire website has been changed. | ||
I'm looking for it. | ||
What am I looking at? | ||
Just hit, like, so we're calling it all the old shows. | ||
It's the new DVD essay, so it's like Saga 2, and then if you just click on it, you'll see what the inside of the room looks like. | ||
This is a shit website, buddy. | ||
It's horrible. | ||
Okay, Saga 2. Saga 2, Chapter 1, The Ranch, Part W, Sardines, Chapter 2, Sardines. | ||
Here, I'll show you what it looks like. | ||
unidentified
|
Stop playing, though. | |
Um, but what are we looking for here? | ||
Oh, yeah, just play it off YouTube or Vidme or whatever. | ||
I'll show you that it's they're all inside and insane. | ||
It's probably crashing right now because all the people going to it. | ||
That's probably what's happening. | ||
You probably got thousands of people visiting it right now. | ||
Yeah, I mean... | ||
We put it up on YouTube, but it's censored. | ||
And then we have it on Vidme Uncensored. | ||
The episode 2 right now, there's a chick with like 34 G's, or I don't know, the biggest real tits I've ever seen in my life. | ||
There's a lot of people watching this. | ||
They kept flopping up. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah, that's what's going on. | ||
So, how did you get, so you paid them to let you get into this? | ||
I said, look, man, instead of, like you said, like, that definitely crossed my mind. | ||
I was like, I'm just going to hire someone. | ||
We're not live. | ||
We're delusional. | ||
We say dark shit. | ||
At the end of the episode, have a lawyer go, hey, you guys went too far. | ||
I'm like, good. | ||
That always makes me feel good. | ||
I'm 38 years old. | ||
I just started a punk band with Steve Lee and whatever. | ||
My dad heard it, and he's like, I've never been more embarrassed of you in my life. | ||
Because I have a Korean song where I was like, Bangu-moke-a-lay? | ||
Bangu-moke-a-lay? | ||
It's like, you want to eat my fart? | ||
You want to eat my fart? | ||
He's like... | ||
You're a grown man. | ||
You're a grown man and you just did... | ||
Like, that is so disgraceful to my country. | ||
You're my son. | ||
And he's like, I'm begging you. | ||
I'm a fucking grown man. | ||
He's like, I'm begging you as your father. | ||
Take that song down. | ||
And I'm like, yes. | ||
Yes, I did something right. | ||
You know, it's like... | ||
So, instead of having a guy pay to be like, take this episode down or edit this thing, I'm like, let's just broadcast live from a fucking insane asylum. | ||
I don't think that's a real disclaimer, though. | ||
Especially since you've come on this show and you've said... | ||
I know it's not, Joe. | ||
51-50, right? | ||
Just hire somebody. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Have one of your employees just go over everything with a fine-tooth comb and then apologize at the end of every episode. | ||
I just do everything as if one of these nutjobs is going to kill me one day. | ||
Wow. | ||
Stack the podcast, stack the shows. | ||
Do you have that many nutjobs? | ||
This is all the negative nutjobs are all post this, right? | ||
No, I mean, I've had Critter for a few years now. | ||
Right, but I mean the negative nut jobs, they've escalated because of all this? | ||
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
I've had haters in my entire life, you know? | ||
Well, people look at you like, you're not just a talented artist. | ||
You're a talented artist that got some crazy break where you illustrated the Facebook offices, they gave you a shit I'm not going to deny that the Facebook thing was a crazy break, but I've made millions of dollars in everything I've ever wanted to do, and so it's like, did I get a crazy break over and over again, or did I just bust my ass and just fucking go for it? | ||
Well, you've been very successful and you got a crazy break. | ||
Well, yeah, I've been very successful and that. | ||
And then so when anything happens, they're like, oh, well, like I said, the way I started the show. | ||
Oh, well, he's rich. | ||
I'm like, well, what about my entire life up until then? | ||
People love to marginalize, folks. | ||
People love to find some way where you're not better than them. | ||
Right. | ||
The difference with the Facebook thing in my life before was nobody knew how much money I had. | ||
So when they went to my hoarder's house, like I had millions already. | ||
I already sold out a million dollar art show in London. | ||
I had millions from gambling. | ||
And like but nobody knew right and I was like so I can still like that's the best right the best combo you get to live a normal life But you're fucking rich as shit and then so you were rich before the Facebook shit even went down I didn't have hundreds of millions But I had a few million and I was like cool. | ||
That's more than I ever thought I would make right I'm selling paintings for a couple hundred grand like it was awesome I go to Vegas and win a hundred grand it was like it was a very good life but now it's like You know, if I go... | ||
Now it's public. | ||
Now it's like, give me... | ||
If I open my email right now, it's, give me money, give me money, give me money. | ||
Do you ever give people money? | ||
No, never. | ||
I hide it. | ||
I do... | ||
Well, yeah. | ||
I have $100,000 I'm going to give away, but they don't... | ||
I have to... | ||
I'm making you work a little bit for it. | ||
Right. | ||
The clues... | ||
The fucking clues for Critters Cash Contest are like the dumbest, like, easiest clues ever. | ||
I was like, I want to make it all cryptic, like the game, and make it super hard. | ||
And I was like, no, I'm literally force-feeding you the answers. | ||
Well, what if more than one person finds it? | ||
We have a whole thing. | ||
It's like, first of all, everyone thinks I'm hiding cash. | ||
I'm like, I already learned from the Detroit thing. | ||
I'm not hiding cash. | ||
I'm just going to give it to you. | ||
I'm hiding clues, which is a red dot that Critter spray painted at nearby the place. | ||
You go there, you take a selfie of yourself in front of the clue with a current newspaper. | ||
And then the first 10 people, they get the points. | ||
And at the end, whoever has the most points. | ||
And right now, like I said, there's only like 10 people playing and it's like the points are scattered. | ||
So it's like anyone's game. | ||
And I'm going to announce the winner on Halloween, and on November 2nd, I'm just going to On November 2nd, two years ago, this is what happened. | ||
Did you ever do an AMA on Reddit? | ||
Yes. | ||
I didn't even know what Reddit was, and everyone's like, it's the front page of the internet. | ||
I go, okay, so what does that mean? | ||
And they're like, you upvote, and I learned what Reddit was. | ||
So I said, I'm going to do an AMA. I'm like, hey everyone, I'm David Cho. | ||
I'm an artist. | ||
I used to be a thief. | ||
I'm a gambler. | ||
I won all this Facebook money. | ||
Ask me anything. | ||
I answered everyone's questions for 24 hours straight with live video response with a cast of 200 of my friends and actors and midgets and porn stars and chefs and everyone I knew. | ||
And everyone was like, what just happened? | ||
It would be a kid like, hey Dave, what's your favorite place to eat? | ||
I don't know, let me ask Anthony Bourdain. | ||
And he'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
So they knew that it was live. | ||
I'd go, I don't know, dickface372? | ||
And they were like, Oh my god, he's talking to me, you know? | ||
So, the next day, people started going, fuck, did you see this motherfucker blew up the internet yesterday? | ||
Everything got taken down. | ||
Everything on YouTube, everything on Vimeo, everything on Livewire, everything on RedTube. | ||
We put shit everywhere. | ||
We infected the whole internet for like 24 hours. | ||
It got taken down. | ||
Why? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It was just like... | ||
Tits, ass, like, I don't know, like... | ||
But RedTube is, like, a porn site, right? | ||
Yeah, so we put up the more racier shit there. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know if it's haters over there, but it's like... | ||
And then they... | ||
For, like, two years, they made my name, like, unsearchable on Vimeo. | ||
Like, if you typed in my name, like, any, like, art video or anything I've done... | ||
So I was like... | ||
I started getting paranoid and whatever so then that's why I love like vid me whatever like I sound like I'm doing a huge commercial for them But like I love them because you could do whatever I want so this year I'm gonna do a fucking live podcast at midnight starting November 2nd for three hours Then I'm gonna go on reddit and I'm gonna answer everyone's questions same style with like Hundreds of my friends of actors fucking famous people porn stars everything for 14 hours straight Then I'm gonna fucking | ||
have a live event where my band plays and we're gonna fucking have a huge party. | ||
And then at midnight, I'm gonna fucking, or close to midnight, like at nine, I'll do another three-hour live podcast and then I'm gonna give this fucking money to somebody. | ||
So, 24 hours straight, no sleeping. | ||
I'm gonna need Red Bull or some shit that day. | ||
Wow. | ||
You should come by. | ||
Yeah, what day is it going to be? | ||
November 2nd. | ||
I'm going to be, we'll talk. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, okay. | |
I might be able to do that. | ||
Yeah, come by for like an hour or something. | ||
That sounds crazy. | ||
Yeah, it'll be fun. | ||
It sounds like chaos. | ||
Yeah, I'm like, I'll answer anyone's question. | ||
You know, like on the Reddit thing, they ask like crazy questions and then like, if you ignore them, they just upvote it. | ||
So it's like the number one question or something. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
I don't know. | ||
But once again, don't have to do it. | ||
Like the pain, like the torture. | ||
But you enjoy all the chaos. | ||
You definitely enjoy chaos. | ||
I live in it. | ||
You love it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think that's why you live in a tiny little place. | ||
You didn't move to some suburban neighborhood in Beverly Hills and set up shop and have a manicured lawn. | ||
You live like a crazy person. | ||
It's manufactured misery. | ||
But it's not miserable. | ||
You're not miserable. | ||
It's miserable. | ||
In what way? | ||
It smells so bad in there. | ||
There's cockroaches, ants. | ||
But why? | ||
Why do that then? | ||
Because... | ||
You know, you and me could talk about like, oh, you should eat kale and this and that, but it's like, I know at the end of the day what I'm really going to do. | ||
And so if I sit here and go, hey, Dave, forget all this fucking bullshit you've talked up until now, your podcast, TV bullshit, you're an artist, okay? | ||
So let's talk real talk about you being an artist. | ||
How much have you actually painted in the last 10 years? | ||
Not that much. | ||
Okay, let's look at your entire life. | ||
When have you painted the most? | ||
When I was in jail in Japan, when I was in a cold, miserable place in China with no internet, no cell service. | ||
So the combining factors of all these places is that it was always cold, no internet, and no cell service, and no one else around. | ||
So isolation, cold, and miserable. | ||
And Just that's what it takes now, because I am an easily distracted, addictive person, so I do have a lot of options for pussy that I never had before. | ||
I do have all these things, and it's... | ||
Why do... | ||
Joe's cross-hatching of a werewolf, that takes a long time. | ||
And I have it in my head, oh man, I want to paint this thing. | ||
There's going to be a million little people, and I get this crazy tripped out idea. | ||
It's going to take me like a week to draw that, the way I want to draw it. | ||
And then there's a Playboy model that wants to suck my left ball, and a penthouse model that wants to suck my right ball. | ||
And I'm like, hmm, tough decision. | ||
It's like... | ||
Wait, that's what, you know, drawing my whole life was the only thing that brought me attention, and now I have everyone's attention, so let me fuck the whole world. | ||
But isn't it... | ||
Like, it's like, you know? | ||
But isn't it... | ||
You were talking earlier about your favorite thing is to create. | ||
I do, but there's a... | ||
Is it a self-destructive thing that distracts you? | ||
Okay, let me backtrack. | ||
Let me backtrack. | ||
My favorite thing is creating and pussy. | ||
And let me just ask you this, Joe. | ||
Because you're in it. | ||
You're a comedian. | ||
Like, the whole, like, is the great art always come from misery? | ||
It's like, Jim Carrey, Eddie Merck, like, do you have to be miserable? | ||
No, you don't. | ||
I believe you can make really good art if you're well-adjusted and you're happy and whatever, but I'm talking about the great shit that transcends time and whatever. | ||
Those people are suicidal, miserable fucks. | ||
And speaking just for me, because I know my best stuff always came from Rejection, hatred, getting dumped, living in miserable conditions. | ||
There's nothing about living in a 20-story or 20-bedroom fucking mansion in Beverly Hills with pools and Playboy models hanging around. | ||
That makes me want to create. | ||
Yeah, but you're creating while you're getting your balls sucked by Playboy Playmates. | ||
It's still the most amazing paradise ever. | ||
You're staying in suites in Vegas and banging $10,000 hookers. | ||
You're talking girls into fucking you that never would. | ||
Sex workers. | ||
Sex workers. | ||
Sorry. | ||
I didn't say whore, at least. | ||
I'm not trying to change your opinion, but what I'm trying to say is you love a lot of different things, but you definitely have a self-destructive streak, but I don't... | ||
When I was a kid and I was doing stand-up, when I first started doing stand-up, one of the things that I thought is, man, I don't ever want to get enlightened. | ||
Because if I get enlightened, it's going to fuck up my comedy. | ||
Because my favorite comedy was always Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor, Troubled People, Dirty People. | ||
And I was always thinking, man, you can never achieve a certain amount of enlightenment because then you'll never be able to do the great comedy. | ||
But I think that's a trap. | ||
Well, check this out. | ||
I'm at my warehouse where in the wintertime it's freezing and I'll be painting. | ||
And I remember thinking, like, wow. | ||
It's two in the morning. | ||
I'm miserable. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
I have a heated fireplace. | ||
A woman just playing with her vagina, waiting for me to go in there in a beautiful house in Beverly Hills. | ||
Oh, I'm going to call it quits for tonight. | ||
Now I'm there again, still painting. | ||
And I'm like, wow, it's two in the morning. | ||
I'm miserable. | ||
And guess what? | ||
My house in Koreatown? | ||
Still miserable. | ||
I'm just going to keep painting. | ||
You know? | ||
So that... | ||
To know that that comfort, like I say it all the time, comfort is the killer of creativity. | ||
To know that that's there. | ||
It's not that I can't paint something good. | ||
Something good is still being painted, but it's not going to have the level of intensity of... | ||
Of you being completely miserable. | ||
Yeah, and Asa said exactly the same thing you said right now. | ||
She's like... | ||
People try to make me feel bad for being a porn star. | ||
She's like, I love fucking, I love sex. | ||
And then I've offered her, I was like, you know, because we have dark spots in our past, like I think, like there's a huge age gap where I don't remember where I'm like, is that why I'm so fucked up? | ||
Did I get raped or molested or whatever? | ||
And she has the same thing. | ||
So I go do lots of... | ||
Rich white people, kind of enlightening wellness camps and shit like that where I'm always the only Asian guy and the youngest guy there. | ||
And I said to her, I was like, hey, if you ever want to do that stuff, I'll pay for your therapy and this and that. | ||
And she's like, I don't want to go and then learn something and become enlightened and then find out that I actually hate myself and hate porn. | ||
Because she's enjoying her life right now. | ||
Well, people are very adaptive, man. | ||
We're very malleable, and we change to our environments. | ||
And you can become comfortable and happy in a lot of different weird circumstances. | ||
And if you find a good state, a lot of times people are like, I'm good. | ||
I don't need no enlightenment. | ||
I don't need no consciousness expanding. | ||
I'm good right here. | ||
Well, I'll tell you right now, a lot of people is really disappointed. | ||
My friends and people close to me, they're like, I'm so sad. | ||
And they're... | ||
I only fuck hookers now. | ||
Like, I don't, like, I've given up, like, I don't even want to say given up because I am adaptive and this could, what I'm telling you right now could change tomorrow. | ||
But as of right now, I am working on animation, TV shows, my podcast, painting, working on my next book. | ||
It's like, there's no time in there for a real relationship for kids. | ||
I can afford, like, when you say, why don't you just buy the best trainer, the best nutritionist? | ||
I go, guess what? | ||
I'm paying for the best Pussy. | ||
You gotta pay for it. | ||
I go, yeah, I'm rich. | ||
Yeah, but they don't love you. | ||
I go, you could have fooled me. | ||
The way these women suck my dick. | ||
The woman who sucks my dick that's in love with me, that wants to have my children. | ||
When you give a woman fucking $2,000 and she needs it, And she knows if she sucks it really good that there's $2,000 coming the next week, she's sucking it like she's in love with you. | ||
Like that dick is her lifeline. | ||
And it feels pretty good. | ||
And guess what? | ||
And you've heard this before. | ||
You're not paying them for that. | ||
You're paying them to leave. | ||
So I get my dick sucked. | ||
Amazingly, like, the chick is in her honeymoon phase. | ||
Like, the fucking veins on my dick are like a lifeline UV into her system. | ||
Then she leaves, and I spend all night writing, drawing, creating. | ||
There's no, like... | ||
You were up all night. | ||
You didn't call. | ||
You didn't check in. | ||
You didn't take me out. | ||
And I'm like, I am fucking creating so much right now, still fulfilling my disgusting sexual needs. | ||
And then at the end of the night, I cap it off with another blowjob from a different chick. | ||
It's like... | ||
I'm sorry if that upsets you. | ||
If you're like, oh, well, and it's the women. | ||
They get upset. | ||
I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. | ||
This is why. | ||
First of all, it's absolutely voluntary. | ||
Everybody's voluntary. | ||
No one's doing anything against their will. | ||
They want the money. | ||
You want to get your dick sucked. | ||
It's an awesome exchange. | ||
You know, I have a real problem with prostitution being illegal. | ||
And this is coming from a guy who has daughters. | ||
I mean, I don't want my daughters to be prostitutes, but I also don't want them working at fucking Denny's. | ||
I don't want them working as garbage people. | ||
Well, like I said, the women I'm fucking aren't like, I mean, they're... | ||
Sex workers. | ||
They're not like hookers I find on the street or like I go online. | ||
They're just people I know that I've offered them money. | ||
Oh, so you've like created hookers. | ||
I created them. | ||
Wow, so they only work for you. | ||
Well, who knows? | ||
Sort of. | ||
Maybe. | ||
Who knows? | ||
Maybe I lit something up inside them. | ||
That's a great gig, though. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, look, there's a friend that- Like, I'm paying you money to get away from me. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I really like you, you know? | ||
It's not just like, where's the money? | ||
And looking at the clock. | ||
It's like, I like you. | ||
We had a good time. | ||
Use this money. | ||
Go to real estate school or whatever you're going to do. | ||
I need my time now. | ||
That's what I'm paying for. | ||
As a rich guy, I value my time. | ||
And that's why when you said earlier, what's the most you ever paid? | ||
It's like when I do fall in love and catch feelings, the worst STD you can catch. | ||
It's like, oh, fuck. | ||
I just wasted three months with a bitch that just fucked with my shit and is trying to play games with me and fuck me over. | ||
That can't help. | ||
It can happen, right? | ||
It can happen. | ||
It can really happen and it can really fuck you up if you get involved with someone who's manipulative, who wants to control you. | ||
And I live in L.A., dude. | ||
I live in L.A., you know? | ||
And you've got money, so you're a target. | ||
Look, Joe, I feel like I'm a soldier and I'm in a war and I'm like... | ||
Chris Rock has this joke, right? | ||
He's like, you don't want to be the first anything. | ||
You don't want to be the first black president. | ||
You don't want to be the first black baseball player. | ||
He's like, I'm butchering his joke right now, but he's like, do you want to be Jackie Robinson? | ||
Nigger, nigger, this. | ||
Or you want to be Daryl Strawberry? | ||
Coke, blonde whores. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
So when I'm sitting here going, hmm, who is the only Asian guy that fucked the white chick on TV? It's like one guy, Steven Yeun. | ||
And it's like, we're like sort of the first everything, you know? | ||
So it's a little bit stressful. | ||
I'd rather be... | ||
I'd rather be like 10 other weird, wacky Asian guys and then like, you know, and Jackie Chan doesn't count. | ||
I'd rather be like number 10 or 20 down the list, you know? | ||
Like I don't want to be the guy in the forefront, but guess what? | ||
I'm not complaining. | ||
Well, I am complaining, but I'm here. | ||
I'm going to do my job and I'm going to do it as best I can, you know? | ||
It's like I had an armchair psychoanalyze you. | ||
I would say that you spend a lot of time conflicting with other people's expectations and opinions of you. | ||
Very conflicted. | ||
Very conflicted. | ||
But why? | ||
Because you seem so free when you do your own thing. | ||
But now this is the question. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Is part of what makes you enjoy your life the fact that you Reject these other people's expectations and their definitions of you, and you get to live free on your own, and you're proving that you're successful. | ||
You're creating great art. | ||
You're having fun. | ||
Your podcast is well-received. | ||
You're getting all this attention. | ||
You're David motherfucking Cho. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
On top of the fact that all these people want you. | ||
Your dad's calling you. | ||
You're embarrassing our country. | ||
You're fucking everything up. | ||
Girls are mad at you. | ||
You're only fucking hookers. | ||
You're a piece of shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And meanwhile, you're creating all this great art and you're living in chaos and squalor. | ||
I'm George Costanza. | ||
You're not that guy. | ||
You're David fucking Cho. | ||
You're gonna laugh. | ||
So recently I was having sex with this girl that has a lot of lines on her hands. | ||
Lines? | ||
Like not wrinkles, but a lot of these lines. | ||
So I said, hey, like a lot. | ||
Like hundreds of lines. | ||
unidentified
|
Like unusual? | |
Yeah, unusual. | ||
So I said, hey... | ||
You've ever been to a palm reader? | ||
So she said, no. | ||
So I said, let's go to a palm reader. | ||
So we went to the palm reader, and I was like, fuck, I'll get my palm read, too. | ||
And she goes, what are you? | ||
I go, I'm left-handed. | ||
She goes, let me see your right hand first. | ||
And so I flip my hand over, and she goes, wow. | ||
Very enlightened, internally, inside, like, not much bothers you, very evolved. | ||
And I go, okay. | ||
And she goes, flip over your left hand. | ||
She goes, whoa. | ||
Externally, you fucking complain about everything. | ||
And you whine, and you bitch, and your mouth is very blunt, and you get in a lot of trouble. | ||
And it's like, I didn't grow up around Koreans. | ||
I grew up around Jews. | ||
So that whole, like, Larry David humor, like, the whole Woody Allen shit, that's what I grew up around. | ||
So, yeah, I can shit, sit here and, like, fucking complain about everything, but at the end of the day, You're right. | ||
It doesn't fucking bother me. | ||
I am very free. | ||
I can just in one second say, fuck this podcast and just quit it. | ||
What I'm saying is I think part of what makes you happy is this battle. | ||
Definitely. | ||
Well, that's just being Korean. | ||
I mean, there's nothing I could do about that. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yeah. | ||
Being Korean makes you want to fight against things? | ||
I talked to Bourdain about this on the show. | ||
It's like, they probably have it in every culture, their own version of it, but in Korean, it's called Han, and it's like, it's like genetic. | ||
It's like, you're just, like, I have a friend who has adopted a Korean son, and he has his own kid, and he goes, my normal kid is just, you know, because he's rich, he's like, all my kids have everything they could ever want, but this Korean one, He just wakes up with a scowl on his face every morning. | ||
I go, yeah, welcome to fucking Korea, dude. | ||
It's like, you're just... | ||
Like David Chang. | ||
Epigenetics. | ||
He's one of my best friends. | ||
He's like my twin brother. | ||
And he does like with cooking what I do with art. | ||
Like just fucking goes at it. | ||
And he's very successful. | ||
He's like on the cover of Time and all these magazines and the best chef in the world and all this shit. | ||
And when I hang out with him... | ||
I mean, he makes me look like... | ||
It's just piss and vinegar. | ||
Like, fucking... | ||
I go, why are you so angry? | ||
I sound like you talking to me right now. | ||
And he's like, come on, Dave. | ||
It's like all the kimchi in our blood or whatever. | ||
But Korea's a small island. | ||
Or it's not island. | ||
It's a small country that's been invaded by Japanese and fucking Chinese. | ||
And everyone's always trying to take over Korea. | ||
So it's almost like an evolution, built-in hate system of just being born. | ||
Right. | ||
And hard workers, man. | ||
Hard workers. | ||
It's like, I don't know. | ||
There's a lot of similarities between Jews and Koreans, I think, on that end. | ||
You know, I grew up with a lot of Koreans. | ||
Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. | ||
Because of my Taekwondo environment. | ||
You know what I'm talking about right now. | ||
I mean, I was around Koreans constantly. | ||
They're loud. | ||
The other thing about him is that I've never met more people like as a group that are more dedicated to hard work and like If you don't work hard if you're not miserable from working hard all the time, right? | ||
You feel like a piece of shit, right? | ||
Like I had a friend. | ||
He was on the national my friend junk sick junk sick Chang Yeah, he was he was a national taekwondo champion and at the same time He was going through his fucking residency the medical residency this guy was always tired This is how I would see him like this Always tired, and then he would just fucking work out really hard, and then be exhausted. | ||
He would be at school, and he was training, so he would be studying all day, and then he would run upstairs. | ||
He'd run up the flights of stairs at the university. | ||
He was constantly tired, constantly miserable, but he felt like if he didn't live like that, he couldn't be happy. | ||
That's in me. | ||
That's in my blood. | ||
And so let me take it straight down to comedy, and let me get racist for a second. | ||
I mean, people ask, I'm sure they ask you, who's your favorite comedian? | ||
I'm like, okay, forget specifics. | ||
Who's your favorite comedian? | ||
Blacks, Jews and Koreans. | ||
What Koreans? | ||
What Koreans? | ||
Well, it's like Bobby Lee. | ||
Right. | ||
Okay, so if I take it just to Asians, there's not like Chinese comedians. | ||
I mean, there are. | ||
Right. | ||
But there's no Japanese big... | ||
It's like all the big funny comedians that are successful in America are Bobby Lee, Dr. Ken Jeong. | ||
They're all Korean. | ||
Right. | ||
But I think there's this assimilation. | ||
Why aren't there Japanese big comedians? | ||
I mean, I can't think of one right now. | ||
Or why aren't there huge Chinese? | ||
And why are there so many Jewish comedians? | ||
Well, they've been here long. | ||
This persecution, this torment part of the culture. | ||
Why is Howard Stern miserable? | ||
Why is Jerry Seinfeld miserable? | ||
Why is Larry David miserable? | ||
They're so rich. | ||
You have nothing to complain about. | ||
You're a billionaire. | ||
Why? | ||
And that's sort of like what you're asking me right now. | ||
I don't know why I'm so angry. | ||
It's just there. | ||
But it's like... | ||
I don't know why Jews are so funny. | ||
I don't know why Koreans are so funny. | ||
I don't know why blacks are so funny. | ||
But what do they have in common? | ||
Persecution. | ||
Misery. | ||
And don't you think, though, that as Japanese and Chinese, as generations go on, they become more assimilated, especially because of the internet. | ||
You're going to see more and more Chinese comedians, more Japanese comedians, things along those lines, don't you think? | ||
As they become more entrenched in the art form... | ||
Yeah, maybe. | ||
Who knows? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Dude, you could be a comic, and I'm not bullshitting. | ||
You laugh about that, but I called you after I saw that video. | ||
I'm like, dude, that shit is really funny. | ||
Thanks, Joe. | ||
I appreciate it. | ||
That's your first time on stage. | ||
Were those notes that you had on a table, like the shit you wanted to talk about? | ||
My whole thing is always... | ||
For me, that's horrifying, because... | ||
In the same way, comedy is solitary. | ||
You're not up there with anyone unless you're like Smothers Brothers and you're a comedy duo or something. | ||
But it's like, I didn't want to have an act. | ||
When I come here, I was like, I just wanted to make everyone sure that I'm actually giving away this money. | ||
And then everything else, I'm like, we'll just riff. | ||
It's like, you can just... | ||
So I was like, I want to go up there with no act, and then I started writing stuff down, but whenever I write stuff, it just ends up being... | ||
Dicks. | ||
He's been drawing the whole time we've been on this podcast. | ||
I'm cross-hatching the balls. | ||
There's a dick with cum squirting out of it. | ||
This is the whole time he's been on this podcast he's been drawing. | ||
I'm going to auction that piece off, ladies and gentlemen, for charity. | ||
If you see the close-up of me doing the comedy special and it looks like I wrote some flashcards, they're all just drawings of dicks on the side. | ||
It's just... | ||
So that's all that that was? | ||
Yeah, and so I'm like, when I see the black guys on the corner hit on every single girl, they're like, hey, what's up? | ||
And I'm like, dude, does that really work? | ||
And they're like, no, but the one time it works out of 100, it's worth it, you know? | ||
So when I was thinking about doing stand-up or whatever, I'm like, Okay, so if I bomb, like, the worst, like, boo, you suck, and they throw oranges, or I don't know what they throw. | ||
unidentified
|
Tomatoes. | |
Tomatoes. | ||
Do they really do that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I heard. | ||
It's like, okay, so what? | ||
Like, A, I already like pain. | ||
Like, that, you know, it's like, win-win for me. | ||
If I'm humiliated, I'm like, oh, I tried it, I sucked, so I just was like, fuck it, I'm gonna go for it, and I was like, I don't want to act, I know I'm talking to college students, so I'll try to, like, stay on college topics and how dumb it is, but, um, Yeah. | ||
Who did that with you? | ||
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
It was just you? | ||
It was just you? | ||
Yeah, it was just me. | ||
And who organized that show? | ||
So I get asked to colleges to talk about art and whatever, and I never do it. | ||
I used to do it a long time ago, and then it's like... | ||
You know, someone's like, Dave, it's very, like, almost, like, motivational Tony Robbins kind of speaking kind of shit. | ||
And I was like, like, some Tom Vu shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Be like me! | |
You make my money! | ||
And I was like, you know, because I know how to make money. | ||
Like, if you stripped away everything, took all my money, I could go out and figure out how to make money again. | ||
Like, it's not, like, I'm very confident with that. | ||
So, you know, when they approached me, they were like, hey, you like to speak at UCLA. It's very prestigious. | ||
Bill Clinton, Dave Chappelle, Michael Moore, all these people did it. | ||
And I was like, well, what do you want me to do? | ||
And they're like, talk about whatever you want. | ||
I go, well, then I'm going to try stand-up. | ||
And they're like, oh, we didn't know you were a comedian. | ||
I go, I'm not. | ||
And they go, this is awkward. | ||
And I go, well, what do you mean? | ||
Like, you're going to tell jokes and stuff? | ||
And I was like, yeah, sure. | ||
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
And they're like, um... | ||
Yeah, alright, cool. | ||
And you wore a nice red suit? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And since I did that, I did it five more times and it's like... | ||
It's so fun. | ||
I can't... | ||
Did you do it in Hawaii with Bobby Lee? | ||
I did it in Hawaii. | ||
That fucking asshole... | ||
So, he's like... | ||
Before the show, he's like... | ||
David, I get it. | ||
You're like a weird Warhol, like artsy, fucking faggy dude. | ||
I get it. | ||
unidentified
|
But you don't speak the language of comedy. | |
You don't speak the... | ||
Like, I need a real... | ||
I need a real opener, Dave. | ||
Not you and my fucking brother touching each other's dick. | ||
He's like, I need a... | ||
unidentified
|
You don't... | |
I need the audience to get ready for when I get on stage like I don't want you up there doing some weird artsy fucking fake rape shit or whatever like I need a real comedian and I go fuck you dude fuck you you're such a piece of shit and um and he goes and you know it was last minute he couldn't find anyone and I said hey hey fuckface guess what I've seen your stand up ten times I have your act memorized I'm gonna do your exact act before you gotta go what the fuck are you gonna do about it and his face changes he goes Because I thought he thought, | ||
that's me being delusional. | ||
I thought he thought it would be funny. | ||
He's like, don't do that, Dave. | ||
I go, he goes, that's like me going to your, like if I had an art show, or if you had an art show and I had like the counterfeit of that right next door, I'm like, cool, then I would just paint something else. | ||
Like you as a real comedian, if I just sabotage your whole act, should be able to go up there and talk about weird Hawaiian shit or like anything, you know, because he's funny enough. | ||
And that's me being a weird guy, like trying to push him. | ||
And he's like, please don't do that. | ||
And I'm like, I'm not going to do that, you asshole. | ||
So I go up and he's just like, can you do it? | ||
Can you do 10 minutes? | ||
I'm like, dude, I did two hours at UCLA without fucking any notes or anything. | ||
And they had to kick me off the stage. | ||
I could have gone four hours. | ||
And I hear those like Chappelle and those guys do like the 14 hour. | ||
Those are never good. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So, I go up there, and it's me, and I did a Smothers Brothers comedy routine with his brother. | ||
Like, we just riffed off each other on all the weird shit that happened just on the flight to Hawaii. | ||
And so, we're just killing, and he's on the side of the stage, and he's like, it was like a movie. | ||
He's like, get him off the stage. | ||
They're fucking killing. | ||
I don't want to follow that. | ||
And I was like, yes! | ||
He didn't want to follow it? | ||
He didn't want to follow us. | ||
If you're listening right now, Bobby, fuck you, motherfucker. | ||
I fucking killed your ass, you little bitch. | ||
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. | ||
No, Bobby killed after us. | ||
He's the fucking... | ||
I love him. | ||
He's just fucking... | ||
That's what I'm talking about. | ||
He's the real deal. | ||
He goes for it, you know? | ||
Yeah, Bobby Lee's the real deal. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's really crazy. | ||
The first time I met Bobby, I met Bobby, fuck, it was like the 90s. | ||
And Bobby was in San Diego. | ||
He wasn't on MADtv. | ||
He wasn't doing anything back then. | ||
He was just doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. | ||
Yeah. | ||
This is probably like, shit. | ||
95 or something? | ||
Right. | ||
96 maybe? | ||
I don't know. | ||
A long time ago. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And it was with a bunch of comics. | ||
Went to a strip club. | ||
And there was these Mexican gangbangers at the strip club. | ||
One of them had long hair and tattoos on his face. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
This is the 90s. | ||
He had tattooed tears on his face. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And he had eyes. | ||
Like, he had these eyes. | ||
He looked in them. | ||
You knew this motherfucker had seen some shit. | ||
Right. | ||
I don't know if he'd kill people. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
I don't know. | ||
I don't know what. | ||
I mean, I'm just guessing. | ||
But if I had to guess, fuck yeah, he's killed people. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And Bobby somehow or another insulted him by talking to his girl. | ||
Like there was a girl that like maybe it was his girlfriend. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Who was a dancer there and Bobby talked to the girl. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And the guy stood up, and Bobby was like, fuck these bitches, they don't know shit. | ||
And I was like, you're gonna get me killed. | ||
I go, we're leaving right now, you coming with me, or I'm fucking leaving you here. | ||
And me, and I think it was Jimmy Schubert was with me, we ran outside and jumped in my car. | ||
I had a Toyota Supra. | ||
We jumped in my fucking car, and Bobby barely made it in time to get into the backseat, and we fucking took off. | ||
I love that shit. | ||
We're going to get shot. | ||
I know the look of people that will shoot you. | ||
And that guy will fucking shoot you. | ||
I'm pretty sure. | ||
But in a similar way, he has this weird Korean energy. | ||
Like a real artist. | ||
Self-destructive. | ||
Super self-destructive. | ||
He told some stories on a podcast about going down to Mexico in the middle of filming Mad TV. He would leave the set, go down to Mexico, do drugs, he was carrying a fucking kitchen knife, get hookers, come back, Gacked out of his fucking mind, holding on to the knife, just completely wired to the gills, like at Mad TV with a giant knife on him. | ||
He's just so fucking crazy. | ||
But yeah, the same kind of rebellion against this ultra-suppressive childhood. | ||
Yeah, for sure. | ||
That's you, David Cho. | ||
Don't ever get rid of that Suck My Fart song. | ||
All right, we got to get out of here. | ||
This contest, DVDASA.com. | ||
Joe, thank you. | ||
Thank you, man. | ||
Thank you, man. | ||
Thank you. | ||
Always a good time, my brother. | ||
I'm glad we got to talk about this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And talk about the controversy in a way where people, I think, they'll understand you now better. | ||
Well, look, I like going on Stern. | ||
I like going on your show. | ||
It's sort of hard to talk to people that don't... | ||
They're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
And it's like, I know you would understand. | ||
And thank you for calling me, and that meant a lot to me. | ||
And yeah, I appreciate it. | ||
DVDSA.com, it's back. | ||
It's back. | ||
There's about 70 episodes. | ||
Broadcasting from an insane asylum. | ||
This book that no one wanted to put out that's pretty much almost sold out. | ||
If you want to get it, it's at davidcho.com. | ||
And this money, I'm giving it... | ||
The contest ends on Halloween, but I'm going to give it away on November 2nd during our whole fuckfest during that thing. | ||
Listen, man. | ||
I hope you kick diabetes. | ||
I hope you get healthy. | ||
But don't change. | ||
Don't change. | ||
I'm not going to change. | ||
Fuck the haters. | ||
Fuck the haters. | ||
David Cho, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
Literally. | ||
Good night, everybody. | ||
Big kiss. |