Sept. 29, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:54:02
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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I miss the English broad. | |
| We gotta bring her back. | ||
| You want that? | ||
| Eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| See, that's not English, though. | ||
| Isn't there an English version of it? | ||
| Where it's got more of an English... | ||
| Or how high was I when I heard it? | ||
| You might have been high. | ||
| She was very proper. | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| Can we do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, I can make it. | |
| You can get a real chick to do it. | ||
| Hey, Rory. | ||
| What's up, buddy? | ||
| Hey, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
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How are you? | |
| Thanks for doing this, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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Appreciate it. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Seriously, I really appreciate you having me do it. | ||
| Dude, you have a fucking amazing story. | ||
| You have a Hollywood success story. | ||
| Do I? Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty... | ||
| Get this thing right up to your face so you can hear it. | ||
| Oh yeah, that feels good. | ||
| Baby, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, can I get another one on my other cheek? | ||
| They're fucking everywhere. | ||
| I'm going to put them all over you. | ||
| These mics are sweet, man. | ||
| I'm going to tune you up. | ||
| Turn that off for a second. | ||
| I've got to do something. | ||
| No, it's very un-Hollywood in the sense that I was in New York and working at The Daily Show, which is next to the horse stables for Central Park. | ||
| Yeah, I should say it's a great showbiz story. | ||
| I guess so, yeah. | ||
| You went from being like a PA to the executive producer of The Daily Show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that's fucking awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah, well, it was good. | ||
| I didn't know that that was going to happen. | ||
| I wanted to do comedy. | ||
| I wanted to do stand-up, but I went to college. | ||
| So I felt weird coming out of college and telling my parents I was just going to be a comedian. | ||
| Remember all that money and stuff? | ||
| I'm just going to tell jokes. | ||
| I come from... | ||
| My dad's like an old-school Italian guy. | ||
| He doesn't understand this kind of stuff. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| What about a job? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Get a job. | ||
| He would have been happier if I said I was going to be... | ||
| Like a mailman or an electrician. | ||
| That would have made more sense than a job in TV. Or comedy in general. | ||
| So I got the job here and that could at least justify the... | ||
| The love of comedy. | ||
| That sort of makes sense. | ||
| Like, look, I'm working in serious business. | ||
| This is the making of television shows. | ||
| We're very successful over here. | ||
| Well, at least I had to go somewhere. | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| I think that was a big part of it. | ||
| It was like, well, what do you do in the morning when the alarm was off? | ||
| Oh, you don't have to get up in the morning because you just work at night in comedy clubs. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about the comics that we know that don't do anything during the day at all? | ||
| I mean, they just fuck off completely until they get on stage. | ||
| Which I'm always quite jealous of, actually, you know? | ||
| But I always had that feeling when people go, how do you do both? | ||
| I'm like, well, you know, once during the day, you know? | ||
| So that's one way to do both. | ||
| Though as I got older, I got more tired at night, and it's harder to go out and do clubs after the Daily Show. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| It's the hardest thing in the world when you're on a set. | ||
| Not the hardest thing in the world. | ||
| I should never even say that. | ||
| Look, compared to anything else, it's really easy. | ||
| It's too easy as fuck. | ||
| But I mean, it's hard to work, what I was going to say, it's the hardest thing in the world to work a full-time job and then try to go out and pursue something because all your juice is gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, anything you're trying to do, that's like... | ||
| Athletes that have full-time jobs, like fighters that have full-time jobs. | ||
| Fuck, that's hard. | ||
| And that's even harder because they have hours of training they have to put in every day. | ||
| But just when you're done, at the end of the day, you're done. | ||
| You want to get a bite to eat, watch TV. You don't want to go over your notes and fucking... | ||
| Yeah, or for me, the other thing was, too, is I'm still not even at a place where I walk into a club and they're like, oh, just get right up. | ||
| Usually they're like, why don't you clean up this mess at 1.30 a.m.? | ||
| So for me, a lot of it was just, I love doing the time, but sometimes you've got to hang out at the club. | ||
| My bigger problem was, because then I have fun hanging out with other comics, and afterwards I have a couple of drinks, the next thing I know I... The harder problem was getting up the next morning and being on time. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be working three hours. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's where I started to have that, you know, while I'm doing... | ||
| The thing that was good about my day job is it got me better at comedy. | ||
| So I didn't really lose the, like, sort of experience I think I would have gotten on stage. | ||
| What I didn't get by doing it every night for a while was... | ||
| You know, like, seasoned on stage, it took me a little longer to get, like, comfortable on stage. | ||
| To get back into the groove. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But, uh, still, it was a good experience. | ||
| PA to EP was fun. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's one of those stories that you're gonna ruin the expectations for every fucking kid who ever becomes a PA. They're all going to think, this is it. | ||
| I have to say, at The Daily Show, because it's been on so long and John's such a cool guy and really gave people opportunities there, I was among the first people to make that journey, but now have not been the only one. | ||
| The head writer there... | ||
| It was a PA. That's amazing. | ||
| A bunch of the EPs and co-EPs and stuff were PAs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like a farm system, almost, for good writing and producing. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| And it's become, for a lot of people, how they get the news. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird. | |
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how people get the news. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Jon Stewart. | ||
| Yeah, people tell me that a lot. | ||
| They say, well, that's where I get my news. | ||
| And I get it. | ||
| Like, I remember being in college. | ||
| We go to college, kids get their news. | ||
| I feel like I didn't even watch the news when I was in college. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| You're in college, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I guess it's better than nothing. | ||
| But I always tell people it's a good place to start to get interested in a topic and then go off and do your own research or whatever you want. | ||
| Because when people get into political debates... | ||
| Off of emails and daily show clips. | ||
| And they're like, that's actually not true. | ||
| They don't have a real understanding of each story necessarily. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing, isn't it? | ||
| When you're doing a television show that's also an educational show and also has a very progressive point of view. | ||
| What you would think of when you think of Jon Stewart is very intelligent, very progressive, mocking of both the left and the right when they do ridiculous shit. | ||
| But it's got to be funny. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's a hard job. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's really hard for him. | ||
| For me, it was a lot easier because I got to watch him do it. | ||
| I mean, that's the thing about John that's amazing. | ||
| He's involved from 9 a.m. | ||
| through the end of the show, obviously, when he hosts it. | ||
| But in other words, he's so intimately involved and he's so smart and he's so sharp that when he's in the chair, I never worried about a joke not working. | ||
| Because even when they didn't work, He just would call an audible in his own head and then remember a joke from the 90-an meeting that he liked that didn't make the script and throw that in. | ||
| It's pretty amazing to watch him, too, sitting in the studio because he'll change a joke in prompter as the prompter's scrolling, and then later there's a callback to the joke he changed, and he remembers to change the callback or skip the callback. | ||
| And I'm sitting there with the script watching the prompter going, oh, no. | ||
| I'm like, oh, no, here it comes. | ||
| Here comes the callback, like, we're screwed, you know? | ||
| And then he just jumps it or tags it with the joke. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's really like watching a pretty incredible film. | ||
| Well, that guy's been doing it for that long, too. | ||
| I mean, he's fucking smooth. | ||
| He's so used to that gig. | ||
| Like, for Jimmy Fallon or maybe for Seth Meyers, who tried the same sort of impromptu ad-lib, they might pull it off, but Jon Stewart's been doing it forever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Forever and ever. | ||
| Oh, no doubt. | ||
| And he also... | ||
| Yeah, and he also just knows a lot. | ||
| Well, he's a good comic, too, before he ever started doing that. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great comic. | ||
| But he also just knows, he understands comedy in a way that, I'm sure those, you know, I know both Seth and Jimmy, super funny guys, I just never worked with them in that capacity. | ||
| So I know John understands it like music, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Where he'll go, oh no, that won't work, this will work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and people go, how do you know something's going to work before you try it? | ||
| And it's like, you just kind of know, I don't know, you just kind of know. | ||
| Well, he also has a very specific voice. | ||
| He knows his voice, his style of delivery. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's a fascinating show because it's very political, but yet very funny. | ||
| He doesn't sacrifice going for funny to try to look less silly or try to look dignified. | ||
| He's not trying to monologue it. | ||
| He's just making this stuff as funny as he can. | ||
| Sometimes he gets extremely animated, and it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I mean, he's versatile in that sense. | ||
| He can really do any kind of comedy. | ||
| I think it's because it really is. | ||
| This always bothers people so much. | ||
| They always want to go, oh, they think The Daily Show is like an agenda. | ||
| We're all sitting around in a circle being like, how do we screw the right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, no, it doesn't. | ||
| People don't believe that, and they go, oh, you're just hiding behind the fact that it's a comedy show. | ||
| No, doing comedy is really hard. | ||
| There's nothing to hide. | ||
| We still have to take the stories. | ||
| We still try to get everything right. | ||
| We have people who fact-check. | ||
| There's a guy there named Adam Chodokoff who's just a guru of information, and will come in to the rewrite room between rehearsal and the show after we change the joke. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| You can't say this this way because it's statistically inaccurate. | ||
| Sometimes I'm like, yeah, man, no one's going to care. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| But I'm saying it's not even... | ||
| We really fact-check stuff that goes out. | ||
| Really, a big part of the day is figuring out how to tell the story, the narrative, and then adding the jokes is why you have writers and guys like John. | ||
| Then you can pile on the funny. | ||
| But funny is the most important thing there. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| That's why I stayed so long, because it's not like a... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's no movement happening there. | ||
| It's just a comedy show. | ||
| Well, that's why everybody who gets so attached to it is so crazy. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| They want it almost to be more ideologically driven than it is. | ||
| It's like people would want it if he said something ridiculous in support of Obama. | ||
| They would like it. | ||
| But if Obama fucks up, he goes after him too. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I mean, that's the thing. | ||
| The show really became what it is or what people think of it as now during the Bush administration. | ||
| So I think people really associated it being this hardcore left-wing show. | ||
| And it definitely slants left. | ||
| It's hard sometimes for it not to in comedy because everything that's... | ||
| When you're pointing out some things that are just straight up absurd, it's hard sometimes not to seem left because you're throwing away, like, you know. | ||
| So I think that's why people go, oh, why don't people do a right-wing Daily Show? | ||
| It's like, it's not really a left or a right thing. | ||
| It's just a lot of times comedy is dismissive of people taking themselves too seriously and conservatives have a tendency to take things very seriously. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's exactly what they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're conservative. | ||
| They're taking it more seriously. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And a comic by nature is the guy sitting in the back of the classroom being like, look at this dick, you know? | ||
| It's just like, you don't really care about what the person's saying. | ||
| You're just finding places to get a laugh. | ||
| And I think, so for us, when the left does absurd things, which is also quite frequent, like, Occupy Wall Street was a perfect example of my favorite times at The Daily Show, where we're like ripping the left a new asshole, and the audience, because I'm in the studio, or used to be, and the audience is like, what? | ||
| What are you guys doing, man? | ||
| Just John! | ||
| This is our movement, man! | ||
| And they zip up their zippies over their John Stewart for President t-shirts. | ||
| They're like, oh shit! | ||
| And for me, it was like, we crushed those dudes. | ||
| And then I'd go to the desk between commercials and we'd be like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know? | |
| It's a stand-ups mentality. | ||
| I just came back from Madison, Wisconsin this weekend. | ||
| It's an amazing city. | ||
| The club is awesome. | ||
| The shows were so fun. | ||
| But there were groans from the crowd on certain things I would say because it was this college town. | ||
| And colleges now are really... | ||
| I know that's a taboo right-wing thing to say, but there's a left-wing... | ||
| Political correctness in college now that is... | ||
| Extreme. | ||
| Extreme. | ||
| And I remember, like, ten years ago, doing a college gig is very different than now. | ||
| You make a joke about people, like, whoa. | ||
| And that was happening in Madison, and there's... | ||
| You know, as a comic, right? | ||
| Like, you feel that from the crowd, and you go, wait, what just happened? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, you know, you want to, like, poke it a little bit. | ||
| So on The Daily Show, John's a comic, when we hit a note on something, we were going after Hillary in 08, same thing. | ||
| What are you guys doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We're doing what we do. | ||
| We're making fun of people who are in charge. | ||
| It's selective outrage. | ||
| Well, it's one of the more interesting things that's happened during the transition between the Bush administration and the Obama administration, is that people are starting to deny this whole party thing. | ||
| They're starting to go, look, we're getting fucked here. | ||
| This is not a left or a right, so... | ||
| These ideas that everybody on the right subscribes to, like, immediately. | ||
| You tell someone that you're a Republican, and they immediately think you've got some freaky ideas about gay marriage, you're pro-war, you're anti-abortion. | ||
| They just start throwing things. | ||
| Like, you automatically get tossed into a very extreme category. | ||
| Or if you say, I only vote Democrat, you'll automatically get bunched in with these bleeding hearts, super ridiculous professional victims, just the most ridiculous social policies. | ||
| You get two extremes on two sides, and there's no room for nuance. | ||
| And the idea that you're either one or the other, it's kind of being exposed as being ridiculous now. | ||
| It's so funny that you say that, because that's literally the thing that I'm obsessed with since I left the show. | ||
| And that's why I've been talking about my stand-up actors. | ||
| It's like we're giving two choices and it's you pick a box and then that's what you feel about every issue in that column. | ||
| And you're like, well, wait a minute. | ||
| What if I'm pro-choice but I'm okay with guns? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You're not allowed. | ||
| You're not allowed. | ||
| You can be left or you can be right. | ||
| And like you said, nuance. | ||
| That's just called thinking. | ||
| In other words, whatever happened to something comes up and smart people sit around and talk about it and think about it instead of going, knee-jerk, knee-jerk. | ||
| If this happens, the right's going to get this. | ||
| It's so odd. | ||
| And I don't understand how... | ||
| And I agree with you. | ||
| I don't think most people feel that way, but I think the people who have a voice on TV or media, I should say, are picking sides. | ||
| So it's like you're just sort of getting glumped into one of those two. | ||
| There's a real issue with that, for sure. | ||
| There's a real issue with the people that are running these shows also taking safe choices. | ||
| That's a real issue. | ||
| Like, if you're easy to define. | ||
| But how the fuck did guns and gay marriage get put in the same group? | ||
| How come they're even remotely connected? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you can be pro-gay marriage and you have to not want a gun? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't own a gun. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I don't see the connection. | ||
| They're bizarre connections. | ||
| Those are connections. | ||
| Conservative and progressive connections sometimes don't make any sense at all. | ||
| Well, I also think, too, especially now, the argument against guns, and I'm not saying I don't own a gun, but I understand why people do. | ||
| I don't own a gun because I live in New York City, and it's just not a good place to open carry. | ||
| You don't want to cruise around Manhattan with a.357 hanging over your head. | ||
| Anthony Cumia actually does carry a gun with him everywhere. | ||
| In New York as well. | ||
| Because in New York, you're really not allowed to carry a weapon. | ||
| But he has a concealed carry permit. | ||
| National? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he has a New York one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It cost him a lot of money and a lot of time. | ||
| You've got to bribe some Staten Island people to get one of those. | ||
| I don't know who had to bribe. | ||
| I don't know what he had to do. | ||
| You've got to go to an out-of-borough bribe house to get one of those. | ||
| You gotta be in the secret poker game. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's some old school New York shit. | ||
| He's also a public figure. | ||
| I'm sure he's had death threats. | ||
| Worries about his safety. | ||
| You know the whole story with him getting kicked off the air? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was taking photographs at 4 o'clock in the morning in New York. | ||
| Some woman beat him up. | ||
| Some chick he took a picture of. | ||
| He had a gun on him the entire time. | ||
| Then he went on this tirade about the crime problem and black America. | ||
| You know, the violence problem in black men. | ||
| They fired him from Opie and Anthony. | ||
| Just giant outrage. | ||
| Outrage on both sides. | ||
| But the point being, this guy had a gun on him. | ||
| He has a gun on him all the time. | ||
| And he did nothing with it. | ||
| Yeah, he did nothing with it. | ||
| He said he wasn't in danger. | ||
| She was hitting him, but it sucked. | ||
| But in Florida, that person gets shot every time. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| In Florida, this conversation alone could get you shot. | ||
| Did you guys talk about somebody getting in a fight? | ||
| I'm shooting somebody. | ||
| I am shooting somebody. | ||
| They're pretty sure there's a loophole. | ||
| I definitely don't think everybody should have a gun. | ||
| I definitely think it should be hard to get a gun. | ||
| I think you should have to... | ||
| I mean, we should all agree on what the requirements are, but mental health requirements? | ||
| They should give you a mental health evaluation? | ||
| To me, the gun issue has always just been... | ||
| In order to go scuba diving, you've got to take a class and a test. | ||
| And that's just so you don't come up too fast and get the bends or whatever. | ||
| In order to get a car, which everyone says is a weapon, if you drive drunk or whatever, it's a weapon. | ||
| You've got to go to jail for homicide if you kill somebody in a car drunk or whatever. | ||
| You've got to take a test, get a license. | ||
| To me, it's just like... | ||
| Guns are fine, but why not just... | ||
| You pass the handgun class, get a handgun, you register... | ||
| To me, it's just about knowing who's getting the guns, because then at some point, someone's like, I want to take the bazooka class, and you're like, we should watch that guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The guy who wants to take the bazooka class, it seems like... | ||
| Maybe he gets on a list. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or he doesn't. | ||
| I don't want to piss people. | ||
| I don't want a guy with a bazooka fining me. | ||
| They're going to get mad at you right now even for suggesting that. | ||
| No, but I'm just saying a class to me seems like a reasonable... | ||
| It seems very reasonable. | ||
| Yeah, but again, I get it. | ||
| It's like the country... | ||
| But then I think about this a lot. | ||
| The Second Amendment, the argument is... | ||
| It's different now. | ||
| The Constitution is an ancient document. | ||
| People used to have muskets. | ||
| Now they have AR-15s. | ||
| But the same is true with the First Amendment, because people used to just stand in a town square and yell stuff they wanted to get off their chest. | ||
| But now we've got Twitter, which is like the AR-15 of free speech. | ||
| And it's like, now you've got crazy people putting shit out there. | ||
| So it's the same thing. | ||
| Well, maybe we've got to scale that thing back. | ||
| Well, how about what you can do in the name of parody? | ||
| Like, there's all these websites that just write fake stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| And these fake stories aren't even funny. | ||
| They're just totally fake. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people retweet them and tweet them, and you go to the website. | ||
| It says somewhere on the website, this is a parody site. | ||
| And you're like, oh, you fucks. | ||
| It's like a right-wing onion, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like not funny. | ||
| Some of them are unbelievably bad. | ||
| And those are the ones, like, my mom sends me. | ||
| She's like, did you see this? | ||
| Did you see this? | ||
| This is what all Muslim people are like. | ||
| I'm like, that's not... | ||
| That's a photoshopped thing, you know? | ||
| There's a mom-forwarding community. | ||
| I think the gun argument is that if you make it so that people have to take a mental health evaluation, the real extreme guys would say, well, then someone is going to decide who gets to have this gun. | ||
| And that'll be political and ideologically driven, and the left will make sure that no one is mentally capable of carrying a gun. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what I was saying. | ||
| I don't think it's a mental health thing. | ||
| I just think it's like a road test. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| Well, it should be both, right? | ||
| I mean, it's a different thing than a car because it's not transportation. | ||
| Its only purpose is to shoot things. | ||
| But, yeah, I guess its only purpose is to shoot things. | ||
| But for some people, it's a hobby. | ||
| For some people, they like to go to a shooting. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They like to shoot. | ||
| They're entitled to like to do that. | ||
| Just like a bow and arrow you don't even need a license for. | ||
| Just go to a store. | ||
| I know, which is also... | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And even a crossbow. | ||
| Yeah, a crossbow is just like... | ||
| Those things are crazy! | ||
| Are you allowed to wear a crossbow just around your... | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| That would be cool to do. | ||
| It would be cool as shit to do. | ||
| I think there's a limit on what size blade you can have for a knife, but I wonder if a weapon like a crossbow... | ||
| But I mean, walking around a city with a quiver and a bow and arrow is pretty badass. | ||
| You should look into that. | ||
| I'm sure you can use arrowheads. | ||
| Well, you can have them. | ||
| No, I mean, an arrowhead tied to a stick... | ||
| Arrowhead tied to a stick. | ||
| I mean, you can have a boat. | ||
| Instead of using arrows with real sharp ends, you can use an arrowhead. | ||
| That's just a rock. | ||
| Arrowhead? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| There's arrowheads, you know, you find in Ohio. | ||
| Oh, the ancient Indian ones? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're saying, like, take a piece of flint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, those are a weapon. | |
| That is a weapon, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weapon. | ||
| That's a weapon, still. | ||
| That was a solid weapon for centuries, actually. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can't deny that an arrowhead is designed specifically to kill things. | ||
| So if you get pulled over with a bunch of arrowheads, you're in trouble. | ||
| Well, you could, if you were attached to an actual device, like a stick, like if you had a spear in your car, like a real spear that was tied down with animal sinew and a giant flint fucking blade. | ||
| Hanging across the back of your... | ||
| Yeah, like those caveman ones you only see in the... | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Obsidian? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| That weird rock. | ||
| It's like a black, cool, shiny rock that slices up nice when you chip away at it. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably the line. | ||
| But you can say, like, hey, I'm just into archaeology. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or I'm 12 and I found it outside. | ||
| Isn't it funny you can still find those in some places? | ||
| I found one when I was a kid in Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you really? | |
| Yeah, I guess it was very common because there was this place, Old Man's Cave... | ||
| Old Man's Cave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| There's really a place called Old Man's Cave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure that's not a Scooby-Doo? | |
| Jeepers Creepers! | ||
| We're at Old Man's Cave! | ||
| You pull his mask off and it's really the fucking town mayor. | ||
| He's not an old man after all! | ||
| It's a young lady! | ||
| I remember the one I... The one I found was broken, but you could tell it was the tip or the half of one. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's so cool. | ||
| I would love to find something like that that you know somebody used for sure hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and you're just holding on to it, trying to think about what time has passed with that. | ||
| Very cool. | ||
| This is Old Man's Cave. | ||
| It really is a place? | ||
| Yeah, and it's just like this. | ||
| No, dude, that's Young Ladies Gulch. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know my way around Ohio. | ||
| That's a dope fucking cool little spot, man. | ||
| You found an arrowhead there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a waterfall like that? | ||
| Oh, there's tons. | ||
| Old Man's Cave is badass. | ||
| That is so cool. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then there's like insides where you go inside and there's like slag mites and... | ||
| Stalagnites. | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| Stalactites. | ||
| Stalagmite and stalactite. | ||
| Have you ever seen that fucking spot that they found in Mexico that looks like... | ||
| Remember Superman's dad? | ||
| He had that crazy island. | ||
| You mean Marlon Brando? | ||
| Didn't he also have a crazy place? | ||
| He had a crazy island, yeah. | ||
| Marlon Brando was his dad. | ||
| He was his dad. | ||
| Yeah, Brando was his dad, yeah. | ||
| Remember he had that crazy place where they would go and there was all the ice crystals and shit. | ||
| It looked really nutty. | ||
| Fortress of Solitude, is that it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a place in Mexico that looks like a real live Fortress of Solitude. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Pull up Fortress of Solitude in Mexico. | ||
| Crystal caves. | ||
| Crystal caves in Mexico. | ||
| They're crystals. | ||
| And they're fucking huge, man. | ||
| Like giant ones all over the place. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| It doesn't even look real, and it's apparently insanely hot down there. | ||
| Like, you can't even stay down there for very long while you're examining it, because it's like 140, 150 degrees. | ||
| Because you're like under the ground in Mexico, right? | ||
| You're cooking in Mexico. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| This is real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Those are people, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| That's a fucking dude. | ||
| Those are scientists. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Walking on top of these giant beams of crystal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| Those crystals are 40, 50 feet long. | ||
| Some of them even more. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| That's like 100 feet long. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| And they're giant around, and you can walk on them. | ||
| They're like bridges. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of dope pictures, dude, if you find some other ones. | ||
| Some of them, they just don't even look real. | ||
| Like, you see these people standing, like, look at that one with a two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, look at that. | |
| Oh my god, that's insane. | ||
| How is it really blue like that? | ||
| That's just when they light it up. | ||
| Did you know that they found that some insane amount of water that was hidden in the Earth's surface, and it's in stuff like that. | ||
| It's in a mineral. | ||
| They found that there's way more water in the Earth than they realized. | ||
| I'm sure we'll find a way to suck it out and use it for something. | ||
| Well, I think it's in some sort of a mineral form. | ||
| It's many times more than ocean. | ||
| In all the oceans. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it a couple episodes ago. | ||
| I'm trying to just pull it up. | ||
| It's a huge underground reservoir holds three times as much water as in the oceans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| But it's that kind of shit. | ||
| It's like, it's not actually water, I don't think. | ||
| It's like crystallized minerals or whatever? | ||
| Yeah, it's something that, it's called ringwoodite. | ||
| And it's only been found in meteorites. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's what this fucking shit is. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| And they believe that, like a lot of the water, they believe that hit earth came from, probably scientists right now are listening to me going, what the, you don't know what the fuck you're saying, stupid! | ||
| I don't. | ||
| But what was it? | ||
| A lot of the what? | ||
| Meteors? | ||
| A lot of the water on this earth came from comets. | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| They think that a lot of the water just came from space. | ||
| Just like when you see a comet and those big trails behind the comet, apparently that's water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| That's water vapor. | ||
| I thought that was energy drink. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| That's where I thought monster came from. | ||
| Yeah, so I don't know how we got on this. | ||
| How did we get on this? | ||
| Water. | ||
| If arrowheads were illegal. | ||
| Arrowheads. | ||
| Oh, we were talking about guns. | ||
| We were talking about guns. | ||
| Yeah, but we went somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, we went to Old Man's Cave. | ||
| Old man's cave. | ||
| Oh, that's what we got. | ||
| The crystal caves in Mexico. | ||
| The crystal caves in Mexico. | ||
| Yeah, someone like J-Lo got a bathtub carved out of crystal from Mexico. | ||
| Some high-quality baller. | ||
| And it was like a million-dollar bathtub. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it was just carved out of a Mexican crystal. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| That's totally necessary. | ||
| I just don't know why they didn't use any diamonds. | ||
| I don't think that's excessive at all. | ||
| There's no diamonds in it. | ||
| Why not have diamonds in it? | ||
| I think having a bathtub is a waste of money, let alone a crystal bathtub. | ||
| It's because you're not a chick. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's because I don't bathe. | ||
| They love to have their leg up in the air. | ||
| The thought of getting into a pool of standing water to clean myself, there's nothing about that that seems appealing. | ||
| Well, at the end of the day, you're really just sitting in butt soup. | ||
| Yeah, butt soup. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| You didn't even wash it off. | ||
| I know my butt. | ||
| I want to be in a shower. | ||
| Unless you take a shower first and then take a bath, you're disgusting. | ||
| You're watering down the amount of filth on your body. | ||
| That's all you're doing. | ||
| You're spreading it out more evenly. | ||
| You're just bringing butt juice all over your breasts and feet. | ||
| You better quickly trademark butt juice. | ||
| I don't know if that's out there. | ||
| I mean, if you are not a good wiper, the amount of shit material that's still in your ass, if you were about to take a nice clean bathtub and someone said, okay, I'm just going to give a 1 16th of a teaspoon of shit and stir it in the water, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| I'm not getting in that water. | ||
| That's exactly what you're doing. | ||
| I think 1 16th of a teaspoon is low, based on some of the people I know. | ||
| Especially if you're hairy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some Italian guy with a big fucking hair he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, big hair he is. | |
| Getting in there. | ||
| That's 2% shit in that water. | ||
| Dirty. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, baths are fucking weird, man. | ||
| It's a relaxation thing as much as it is a bathing thing. | ||
| We know how to do showers. | ||
| They invented them when they used to have to heat up water, and they'd just have a fire under them. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why they were ironed. | ||
| Well, it's also, it also used to be, like, people took baths in the same water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Because you don't want to lug that water up from the lake a hundred times, or the river, you know what I mean? | ||
| And then it would be like, alright, mom goes first, you know what I mean? | ||
| By the end, someone just, at that point, you're like, you know what, I'm good on the bath, bro. | ||
| I bet they never got sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were just trading each other's bacteria back and forth. | |
| Then pooping in the well. | ||
| Saying they never got sick is ridiculous because not only did they get sick, but they died. | ||
| Millions of them. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| One fluid hit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| People died from diarrhea. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| Yeah, dysentery. | ||
| That scares the shit out of me about this Ebola thing. | ||
| That they can't contain it. | ||
| They keep spreading. | ||
| But they can't contain it. | ||
| If you've been reading those stories, they can't contain it in Africa. | ||
| But some of what's happening in those villages is people are not telling... | ||
| First of all, there's no... | ||
| There's no, like, CDC there, like, kind of controlling the situation. | ||
| Like, it's a mess internally within the country. | ||
| But also the people aren't... | ||
| A lot of people are scared. | ||
| It's just a different culture. | ||
| So people are scared. | ||
| There's one doctor who's from the region who studied here at Harvard and is back there now. | ||
| He wrote this thing about it, or they did an article on it, just saying how his biggest struggle is convincing people in these villages that they need to take these warnings seriously and things like that. | ||
| There's all of these other components of it besides the fact that the disease is just spreading rapidly, but the people aren't Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| And I'm not saying it's not a terrible thing. | ||
| I just mean there's more to it. | ||
| They're structurally disorganized, it seems like. | ||
| People are not telling them that so-and-so died two days before. | ||
| And there's no 911, like ambulances don't come. | ||
| They're not clearing the bodies out in time. | ||
| It's not a first-world situation, you know? | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| Which is a serious problem on a whole other level. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's one of the reasons it's difficult to control. | ||
| Isn't that like a plot in a movie? | ||
| Isn't that how the super disease spreads? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| It spreads through a series of things that as you're watching the movie, you're going, No! | ||
| Don't get in the plane! | ||
| Don't get in the plane! | ||
| He's not going to tell him that the lady's dead! | ||
| He's not going to tell him! | ||
| She died of Ebola! | ||
| The mosquito's in your pants! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's in your pants! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| As he zips up. | ||
| Slap! | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| Africa's scary. | ||
| It scares the shit out of me. | ||
| It's a weird... | ||
| The more I read about different parts of Africa... | ||
| I mean, there's obviously Johannesburg and there's some cities and... | ||
| I've met a lot of people from South Africa that are cool as fuck. | ||
| But the whole of Africa is so fucking huge. | ||
| If you look at like, when you look at a map, we look at Africa as if Africa is the same size as America. | ||
| Because on maps, they're kind of distorted. | ||
| Have you ever seen that image when they put America inside of Africa? | ||
| And you get to see how big Africa really is? | ||
| It's fucking monstrous. | ||
| And it's where everything started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And you can't... | ||
| Well, don't say that on the... | ||
| What do you mean on the air? | ||
| What do you mean everything? | ||
| I mean, without Jesus. | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| The non-Jesus stuff. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Adam was a white dude, and then he had his rib picked down. | ||
| I had a guy in a couple weeks that believes in Adam and Eve. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Or believes in it, or likes to tap? | ||
| That's how people came here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Incest? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Because that's what always confused me. | ||
| It's like, they have a kid, and then they have another kid, and then those two have a kid. | ||
| And they either fuck their kids, or the kids fuck each other. | ||
| Someone's getting fucked. | ||
| You have to make people. | ||
| You gotta make, like... | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| Frank and Susan down the street, at least. | ||
| Spread out the DNA a little bit. | ||
| Come on, I know you work in mysterious ways, but come on! | ||
| Well, Noah had to do it again, too. | ||
| It started all over again with Noah. | ||
| Same deal. | ||
| And he also had all those animals to fuck, too. | ||
| Noah had a maid. | ||
| Well, he probably couldn't fuck the animals because he had to fuck his kids and make sure he made more kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You gotta make people. | ||
| You gotta save those loads. | ||
| He was 500 years old at the time. | ||
| I really felt that that should have been the Russell Crowe movie after the flood. | ||
| And just him fucking his kids. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just two hours of Russell Crowe fucking his daughter. | ||
| Now that's a movie! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now that's a movie! | |
| Rock monsters guard over them. | ||
| Yeah, I like the Hollywood executive with this guy like, make me one of them kid fucking movies. | ||
| Tie it to the Bible. | ||
| LAUGHTER Listen, if they have a better explanation, let them write the script. | ||
| Let them write the script. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hire a couple of Jews, make me a kid fucking movie. | |
| Die it to the Old Testament, the New Testament. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Could you imagine if you pitched a movie where Adam and Eve had to have sex with their children? | ||
| Because they realized it was the only way for children to survive. | ||
| So Adam and Eve could be played by like Brad Pitt. | ||
| Yeah, gotta be. | ||
| And like, uh, someone hot. | ||
| I think it would be the girl from Kick-Ass. | ||
| Which one's not? | ||
| She's too young, dude. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| She's like 20. Brad Pitt. | ||
| Brad Pitt. | ||
| Kathy Bates. | ||
| Fucking blow people's minds. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I'm scared of Kathy Bates after misery. | ||
| I wouldn't be able to jerk off to that movie. | ||
| Well, that's a problem. | ||
| Those are your movie reviews? | ||
| Joe Rogan says he couldn't whack into it. | ||
| I tried, but he was too disturbing. | ||
| I tried, but Nick would stay hard, says Joe Rogan of the Whackin' Times. | ||
| Speaking of whacking into strange movies, man, I saw Under the Skin with Scarlett Johansson this weekend. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| No, I didn't know anything about it. | ||
| It's an art movie that they made with her in Scotland where they used hidden cameras and she tried to pick up men. | ||
| Oh, it's like, as Scarlett Johansson? | ||
| Yeah, well, she had an English accent. | ||
| I don't know if she has an English accent in real life. | ||
| So it's real, in other words. | ||
| A lot of it is real interactions with random people, and they wind up using them in their interactions with her in the movie. | ||
| The movie's about her. | ||
| She's an alien. | ||
| She comes here and tries to emulate human beings. | ||
| And when she emulates human beings, she takes men, and I don't want to give away the plot, but she lures them in with her beautiful good looks and charm, and she's naked in half the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| Hold on, let me write this down. | ||
| Just because of that. | ||
| She's naked in half the movie. | ||
| And you know what I love about her, man? | ||
| She's naked and she's not thin. | ||
| No, she's curvy. | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| She's a sexy woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I fucking hate that women think that they have to look like they're starving to death for us to think that they're attractive. | ||
| Drives me nuts. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| And also, did you see Don John? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| No, I didn't see that. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| I was like a Long Island... | ||
| I thought it was really funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny. | ||
| But I was like a Long Island, East Coast kind of dude. | ||
| That movie to me hit so many funny points. | ||
| Just him driving around yelling at people. | ||
| Fuck, get the fuck off the road! | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that's how you drive. | ||
| That's a normal way to drive. | ||
| And then Scarlett Johansson, though, she plays this Italian girl chewing gum. | ||
| And she's like, I fucking love your parents. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Goes over for Sunday dinner. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| I'll see it. | ||
| I'll have to see it. | ||
| But that character, my friends always make fun of me. | ||
| Because those Long Island girls, I have such a weakness for that kind of a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Yeah, because it's like kryptonite for me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what I grew up around. | ||
| So sometimes I'll see a girl like that and I'm just like, yeah, she's leathery and hot. | ||
| Like when you were a kid? | ||
| I don't know, it's just like, you know... | ||
| Did you like have a girl when you were a kid, like a Joan Jett type thing? | ||
| No, Joan Jett lived in my town for a while, so that could be part of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, it's just weird. | ||
| My buddies from college always used to make fun of me. | ||
| They used to say, Kjorky, like that girl's Kjorky, you know, like from New York. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, she is. | ||
| And they'd be like, oh, Rory. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, say it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm so the opposite. | ||
| Well, I mean, believe me, I've not really been with too many girls like that, but I have an impulsive reaction. | ||
| Like, that girl's attractive. | ||
| Because that's what you grow up around. | ||
| I hear that accent, and I think arguments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Arguments are coming. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But isn't that half the fun? | ||
| Not me, man. | ||
| Not for me. | ||
| I'm not good at those. | ||
| I don't enjoy those. | ||
| Especially interrelational arguments. | ||
| I don't mind arguing with drunk idiots. | ||
| But I don't want to argue with a chick I'm dating. | ||
| Fighting interrelationship is the worst thing in the world. | ||
| Especially as you get older, you get so tired, you're like, yeah, fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Well, also, you start realizing, hey, how come I never argue like this with my friends? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, what's going on there? | ||
| Like, I had an ex-girlfriend a long time ago, back in the Dizzy, who just loved to fucking fight. | ||
| And one day, I was hanging out with one of my friends. | ||
| We were laughing and joking around. | ||
| And I realize, I go, why is it that when you're around, like, certain people, it just becomes tense and fighting? | ||
| It's not their fault, it's not your fault. | ||
| It's like, you just need to not be hanging around with those people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that kind of person. | ||
| Like, she'll find a guy that she can steamroll, and she'll have a grand old time, and maybe he'll enjoy that type of relationship, too. | ||
| But it's just not right for you. | ||
| Well, that's what it is, too. | ||
| I think it's also a lot of it is just personality. | ||
| Like, I have a very, like... | ||
| I want to be in control of my own shit kind of personality. | ||
| And I've been dated people. | ||
| I was married at one point, which is a whole other thing. | ||
| But I don't even think it's bad when you realize that that's an incompatibility. | ||
| I think there's a reality to that, which is like, we're going to be conflicting all the way through this. | ||
| At some point you just go, I'm crazy about this person, but there seems to be a disconnect in my ability to agree and your ability to agree with each other on things because we both want to go our own way. | ||
| And there's not absolutes in these types of relationships. | ||
| Sometimes people can just figure it out and work it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just communicate with each other and make things better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And sometimes they can't. | ||
| You know, it's like when you talk about these things, whenever it sounds like a given advice, like relationship advice, people will always get pissed off one way or another. | ||
| They're always like, you're judging or you're this or you're that. | ||
| But the reality is, who the fuck knows The idea of a man and a woman finding the exact right compatibility for each other is so fucking hard to do. | ||
| So when people think they have to break up and they know they have to break up, like, God damn it, we fight all the time, we gotta fucking break up. | ||
| It's hard to just start all over again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what people are scared of. | ||
| People are scared of getting out of the bad one and then trying to find a good one because it's fucking hard to find cool people. | ||
| There's also a comfort in a relationship that even when you're fighting, there's a comfort to it. | ||
| You gotta separate the like, I don't know man, we both like American Idol. | ||
| You gotta try to separate some of that and go like, the other stuff that's happening is not healthy. | ||
| I've had my best relationships with chicks I have zero in common with. | ||
| Just as long as we're nice to each other. | ||
| I don't need to like the kind of music you like. | ||
| I can walk in and go, what the fuck are you listening to? | ||
| But I don't get upset. | ||
| Well, that's the whole thing. | ||
| As long as they don't care. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because then sometimes people are like, oh, you disrespect my shows. | ||
| You're like, they're... | ||
| Well, there's some guys that like, you know, I want my girl to start going to the gym with me. | ||
| She's going to start powerlifting. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| That's a weird request. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| I want her to understand the lifestyle. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| She's going to be my girl. | ||
| Sweetheart, I think you're attractive, but you don't really have traps. | ||
| You've got to work on your neck muscles. | ||
| You've got a skinny neck. | ||
| You've got a little bit of too much neck. | ||
| I don't think it's so hot. | ||
| I'd like some less neck on a girl. | ||
| How about a ringworm on that finger? | ||
| How did we get on the subject of Scarlett Johansson's movie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You were on the airplane watching it, uh... | ||
| We were talking about other movies before that, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do we always have to figure out how we got on this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I do, unfortunately. | |
| It's a detective series. | ||
| This is typical me. | ||
| I got a notepad in front of me, these legal notepads, and when I have something I don't want to forget, I'll write it down. | ||
| And I'm like, pssh, I'm not going to forget that. | ||
| So of course I didn't write it down. | ||
| That's like the story of my stand-up writing. | ||
| I'm like, that's a good bit. | ||
| I'll write it down tomorrow. | ||
| Now I'm going to keep playing this video game. | ||
| You ever hear Mitch Hedberg's joke about that? | ||
| I'm paraphrasing, but he goes, sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I have the idea for a joke. | ||
| Either I have a pen or a pad, or I have to convince myself that it wasn't that funny. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He would be awesome at shit that just doesn't look funny on paper, and you're crying laughing. | ||
| He's one of those comics I saw, I had the chance to see live once, and... | ||
| Boy, I remember watching him going, well, I don't know why I'm doing this. | ||
| Like, he was one of those. | ||
| We're just going, what's the point? | ||
| Like, that guy's out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it's so unique. | ||
| There's no Mitch Hedbergs. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like, Mitch Hedberg, and that's it. | ||
| There's no one. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He's like... | ||
| There's guys that are like Mitch Hedberg now. | ||
| But when I put him in a category, he's like this unique little branch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| You know? | ||
| And his just... | ||
| Yeah, the whole thing with him. | ||
| His delivery, his style, his performance. | ||
| You never really saw his face. | ||
| He's got a hair in front of his eyes. | ||
| So sad that that guy had such a fucking raging drug problem that we lost him at such a young age. | ||
| Same with Geraldo, man. | ||
| That crushed me. | ||
| That guy was incredible. | ||
| Geraldo, it's more of like a one-time accident. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know. | ||
| But he was struggling, and he was going through shit. | ||
| But yeah, it was definitely not as... | ||
| It was not like Mitch Hedberg, the rumor, was. | ||
| Like, this guy's... | ||
| Doing a lot of drugs. | ||
| He was almost going to lose his leg. | ||
| Doug and I were working together, and he got this phone call, and he hung up the phone, and his face was ashen, and he's like, Hedberg might lose his leg. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I was like, no fucking way. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, he's hospitalized. | ||
| Apparently, he'd been shooting into the same vein over and over and over again, and it was just awful and infected. | ||
| And, you know, when Stanhope was saying it, I was like, that is, like, it's almost more fuck than hearing about a guy dying. | ||
| He's hearing about a guy who gets his leg amputated because he was doing heroin too much. | ||
| Yeah, especially now, like gangrene. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's some, like, Roman times disease. | ||
| Yeah, that was right before he died, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was about a year before he died, I think. | ||
| Doug was pretty close to them. | ||
| I only met him once, man. | ||
| I only met him once at the store. | ||
| I went on after him one night at the store. | ||
| He was really cool. | ||
| He was very friendly. | ||
| But I've always been a fan. | ||
| And since then, I actually was listening to one of his albums just like two or three days ago. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| Even stuff that didn't work. | ||
| When it didn't work, he just had this way of going, that one needs work. | ||
| Or something. | ||
| You know, something along those lines. | ||
| His delivery, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That did not go how I intended. | |
| That joke will not be on the CD. Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The Doubletree joke about how they name their fucking... | ||
| What do you want to name the hotel? | ||
| Two Trees? | ||
| No. | ||
| Doubletree? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Meeting adjourned. | ||
| I'm paraphrasing, of course. | ||
| That's it, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Second suggestion they were with the second suggestion. | ||
| Yeah, he would pick apart, like, casual phrases and make them really hilarious. | ||
| He was a fucking brilliant guy. | ||
| Yeah, awesome guy. | ||
| You know, I always wonder, and this is the unfortunate thing about when a guy... | ||
| Because, like, I know how much marijuana has helped me and helped me write, and I'm not... | ||
| I'm not shy to admit it. | ||
| I think when I write, and I write when I'm on weed, I write things that I would never have come up with on my own. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| It sounds crazy. | ||
| Maybe I would have. | ||
| I come up with some things on my own, but it's almost like weed is your ghostwriter. | ||
| And I see a guy like him, and I wonder, how much of that was just being on heroin? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| But I do think with weed, or writing on weed, I think that you can come up with... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think you're as capable as coming up with maybe different jokes, but good jokes without being on weed or being on weed. | ||
| I mean, I think about that sometimes, too. | ||
| Like, smoking pot and going, oh, man, like, this idea, I would never have thought of it. | ||
| But then sometimes the next day when I read it, I'm like, eh, it's not really that good. | ||
| I'm like, but fucking last night I was like, dude. | ||
| I think I'm like, and then I picture myself in, like, a billboard covered in money. | ||
| Like, he did it! | ||
| The billion dollar band! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cover of Forbes, like, with, like, two jaguars in a jaguar. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, petting you. | ||
| Bikinis behind you. | ||
| High heels. | ||
| He's got three pet cheetahs, because fuck it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Because he came up with one idea. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's always what I say to people. | ||
| When you start doing stand-up, there's always that thing you think is going to happen. | ||
| This moment where, like, that's it. | ||
| Because it used to be like people would go on Carson, you know, or whatever. | ||
| And then you realize, oh no, it's just this long journey of trying to get better at this craft. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way you ever feel like you made it if you're still working, too. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Because you're always working on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially as a comic, you're always working on it. | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| You have to continue to go on stage. | ||
| You can't take six months off here and there and stop touring. | ||
| You've got to constantly be doing it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Or at least constantly be writing, thinking about it, and always ready to go out and try stuff, for sure. | ||
| And I think a guy like Hedberg, he was just getting... | ||
| People were just starting to catch on to how amazing that guy was. | ||
| That's what happened with Hicks, too. | ||
| People were just starting to hear about him. | ||
| That's really sad. | ||
| I don't even think he probably had a clue. | ||
| What he started. | ||
| And also how he will be forever considered. | ||
| I don't think he probably has an idea that he's regarded as one of the greats. | ||
| Maybe he does or doesn't, but I always think about that. | ||
| That is a guy that in the last 10 years, his legend has only grown. | ||
| Well, his material is still relevant, which is really weird. | ||
| Even the stuff that people might not think is that funny, it's very relevant today. | ||
| Maybe the... | ||
| See, the real problem is, a lot of things that he said, everybody says now. | ||
| And they think, oh, what's the big deal? | ||
| Everybody says that. | ||
| But they don't realize that in 1992, everybody wasn't saying that. | ||
| It was just Hicks. | ||
| And it was the first time anybody was ever saying the shit that he said in a stand-up form. | ||
| Like that young man on acid. | ||
| Dude, young man on acid realizes that life is just, I don't remember how it goes. | ||
| Yeah, when he realizes it's like a pointless journey. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a positive news story. | ||
| The idea was like, why are they always just giving you only negative news stories? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then, you know, his take on the Iraq War. | ||
| I mean, he basically had material from then that could be used easily today. | ||
| Carlin's the same way with some of his stuff. | ||
| Like, he did a special, my favorite George Carlin special was Jamming in New York, which he did in like 92, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Or 1990, 92, around then. | ||
| And he has stuff in that about the environment that's as pertinent now as it was even more now, particularly now because people are talking about it more. | ||
| But the Iraq War, talking about Dick Cheney and the Iraq War. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, shit that... | ||
| Verbatim translated. | ||
| Talking about, gotta go play with our toys in the sand. | ||
| Gotta go play with our toys in the sand, you know what I mean? | ||
| And it's like, just talking about all that stuff. | ||
| Like, we love war. | ||
| And just talking about every ten years we average a war in America. | ||
| And saying things that are not only funny, but blow your mind. | ||
| And then the environment. | ||
| I still believe his theory on the environment, which is like... | ||
| People say, like, save the Earth, and he's like, no, the Earth's fine. | ||
| Like, we're fucked. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it's like, when it's ready, it'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas, you know? | ||
| Like, we're a surface nuisance, you know? | ||
| Well, when you start paying attention to all the different mass extinctions that they've been on Earth... | ||
| They just pulled up some new evidence that shows there was another comet that hit the Earth way before the dinosaurs that was thousands of times a bigger impact than the one that killed the dinosaurs. | ||
| Like a couple billion years ago, apparently, we were hit by a planet. | ||
| Yeah, that happens. | ||
| That Earth, you know, that's... | ||
| Just gets smashed. | ||
| You know, that's the premise of two of the greatest movies of all time, Armageddon and the other one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Asteroid. | |
| What was the other one? | ||
| Deep Impact. | ||
| Deep Impact. | ||
| I was thinking Haley's Comet. | ||
| Deep Impact, they didn't even have to change the name for the porno. | ||
| No, they did not. | ||
| That's a scary fucking image, man. | ||
| A giant five mile wide fucking chunk of rock that's going to slam into the earth and kill everything. | ||
| I also think, though, that any image of your own death is scary. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You don't know how it's coming. | ||
| Everyone thinks it's going to be like 90 and laying in bed and their grandkids will be tickling their feet, but you don't fucking know. | ||
| But even if it is while you're in bed, people say, I want to go in my sleep. | ||
| What if you go in your sleep and the nightmare is that the Grim Reaper is riding your face, choking you to death, screaming into your eyes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a solid way to go out, though. | ||
| That's a solid way. | ||
| Just tattered robes. | ||
| Somebody write that down. | ||
| I'm getting that tattoo. | ||
| He's just on you. | ||
| He's got red glowing eyes. | ||
| I'm getting that tattooed across my back. | ||
| The Reaper fucking my face, man. | ||
| Not fucking your face. | ||
| Like, holding your neck. | ||
| I didn't mean it sexually. | ||
| Oh, I thought he meant he was just fucking going to town on your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I would have said. | |
| I would have said he was fucking your face. | ||
| Just wake up with the Reaper's cock in your mouth. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Slides down like a Roto-Rooter. | ||
| And then you start realizing, why am I resisting so much? | ||
| I don't mind this, and that's how you die, realizing I like reaper cock. | ||
| That's how you die. | ||
| It's your last thought. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| It's like you can get fucked in the ass in your dreams, but you can't die in your dreams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not as terrifying. | ||
| I don't know if I've ever had an ass rape dream. | ||
| I can't say I have. | ||
| Or even an ass sex dream. | ||
| Why are we saying rape? | ||
| We're not really saying rape. | ||
| The real nightmare would be that you loved it. | ||
| Oh, would it? | ||
| Would it or would that solve all my problems? | ||
| It might solve a lot, right? | ||
| It would solve quite a few. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't feel like I... I remember being... | ||
| I guess I do still have sex dreams occasionally. | ||
| My dreams aren't fun anymore. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I used to have fun ones where I was in war and shit. | ||
| Now they're just more like... | ||
| I'm like, I gotta check email. | ||
| It's like a really... | ||
| Even my dreams are lame. | ||
| Nothing about me is cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I had a dream last night that I cleaned up my office. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| That's a solid dream, dude! | ||
| So I got up this morning and I cleaned up my office. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I said, maybe my dream's trying to tell me something. | ||
| I'm a fucking slob and I need to get my shit together. | ||
| Doc, what does this mean? | ||
| Oh, it just means you should clean your office, actually. | ||
| Stop being a slob. | ||
| Fucking pack rat. | ||
| Boxes of shit. | ||
| I got boxes. | ||
| I got magazines from, like, the 80s. | ||
| Like, when am I going to read this again? | ||
| You should sell them, man. | ||
| Details magazine from, like, 1989. I found them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| What is this? | ||
| I don't even know if it was from the 80s, but it was old as fuck. | ||
| It was like stupid old. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Boxes of shit. | ||
| People buy that stuff, old magazines. | ||
| There's a whole market, you know? | ||
| A whole market for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want that shit on fire. | |
| I don't want them alive. | ||
| I don't want them to have it. | ||
| Remember you used to give me all posters. | ||
| You used to give me boxes of posters like, just get rid of this. | ||
| Brian eBayed all these posters that I had from like the early days of the UFC. I had pride posters that were, they're probably pretty valuable. | ||
| Yeah, they were. | ||
| I mean, people were snatching them up. | ||
| As he locks his BMW, he's like, yes, they were. | ||
| They were quite valuable, actually. | ||
| I just had to get rid of it, and I feel like the best way to do it was to let him sell them. | ||
| There was a few of them that I almost wanted to keep because they were just cool posters. | ||
| That sperm one, that pride sperm one was pretty dope. | ||
| The black and blue one with the guy, I can't remember. | ||
| There was quite a few. | ||
| The old Vitor Belfort one, that was one from early UFCs. | ||
| Yeah, that's interesting stuff, but most of it's just bullshit. | ||
| I also have fucking old notebooks where I open it up and I just go, what am I keeping this for? | ||
| Do you ever read old material and go like, oh man, it's good. | ||
| It's always like, wow. | ||
| This is so bad. | ||
| I'm like, no wonder they didn't give me that spot on whatever. | ||
| It's like, oh yeah, I wasn't very good. | ||
| It seems like it should be way easier than it is to just figure out a way to write a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I find it the easiest thing to do is think of a concept of something I like, write it down a little bit, and then play with it on stage. | ||
| Because I don't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't have a disciplined writing process as much as I really like finding it on stage and then trying to repeat it the next night if I can. | ||
| It's a bad way to do it in a lot of ways because it takes sometimes longer to find the material. | ||
| But if I record it now, I just record it on my phone and I can listen to it back and go, I told that joke. | ||
| We were kind of talking about this earlier with that joke. | ||
| It's like I told a joke a perfect way that night and it killed and I can't figure out what the fuck I did. | ||
| So now I like being able to go back and listen to it and go, oh, I just paused there. | ||
| And then sometimes it's just I got lucky that one night. | ||
| They're not all good. | ||
| I have the same process, for sure. | ||
| I think a lot of people do. | ||
| But I also try to write stuff out sometimes, too. | ||
| You know what I try to do? | ||
| I try to write blog entries. | ||
| Most of them I never post, but I write the blog entry, and then in the blog entry I find a gem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're just sort of writing, and then I'll pull that out. | ||
| But that's like the same thing as riffing on stage. | ||
| You're just doing it with your fingers. | ||
| And I do that on my phone a lot. | ||
| I just go into the notes thing, and I just jam out. | ||
| But then a lot of that, I'll read through it again. | ||
| I'm like, I may have been stoned. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, this is tenuous at best, this connection I'm making here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then I realize, I'm like, I guarantee you there's a hundred books on that topic, and this is not some brilliant new idea. | ||
| And then I'm like... | ||
| Yep, there it is. | ||
| Well, there's always that, right? | ||
| Especially when you think you have an interesting idea that nobody ever thought of today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just Google it and you go, oh, look, there's a whole forum dedicated to it. | ||
| Yeah, that's actually a question I always have for other comics, which is, what is your... | ||
| Because I have had people come up to me at stand-up clubs... | ||
| Both ways, but I've had people come up and go, hey man, there was a comic down here, you know, like I'm in Atlanta or something, some local guy, or Austin, some local guy. | ||
| There was a comic down here who was doing a bit that you did in your half hour, so I just let him know. | ||
| I was like, yeah, never do that again. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| And by the way, you watched my half hour, you know what I mean? | ||
| I didn't even know anyone saw that fucking thing, but it's like the idea that somebody else wouldn't Come up with the same ideas. | ||
| Especially premises. | ||
| People are like, oh, you know, just so you know, Louis C.K. does stuff on airplanes. | ||
| Like, yeah, there's only a hundred topics in the fucking world to talk about. | ||
| You can't call topics, you know? | ||
| Yeah, you can't call airplanes. | ||
| Well, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I don't think Louis would do it. | ||
| I'm just saying, like, there is this weird thing now, like this comedy police thing. | ||
| But at the same time, I have seen... | ||
| I know you've dealt with it before. | ||
| Comics straight up steal other people's stuff. | ||
| Or maybe unintentionally, but steal it. | ||
| There's always going to be that, man. | ||
| There's always going to be people stealing. | ||
| But I do think with the internet now, it's really hard. | ||
| You know, you do a joke. | ||
| This used to happen at The Daily Show. | ||
| Come up with a joke and tell me, like, oh, actually, Patton Oswalt tweeted that like an hour ago. | ||
| It's like, what are we supposed to do? | ||
| Check everyone's Twitter? | ||
| Like, we've got to put a show on, man. | ||
| Especially a topic. | ||
| It's like more than one person is going to come up with an obvious premise. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That happens sometimes on Twitter. | ||
| I write a joke and somebody goes, oh, you're 20 minutes behind so-and-so. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I didn't steal it. | ||
| In both of our defense, it's not that good. | ||
| It's a Twitter joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think there's always going to be parallel thinking, but what people are really worried about is plagiarism. | ||
| As long as it's not plagiarism, I think you kind of know when it's plagiarism, because it's never just one instance. | ||
| Nobody ever steals one awesome bit, and then everything else is totally original. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'd never seen anything in my life, like somebody did the cut online of the Mencia, Bill Cosby, from Bill Cosby himself. | ||
| Yeah, that's awful. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that was astonishing. | ||
| And it's not just that one. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That was his whole career. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| And that was an interesting thing. | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| And I've had people say, hey, so-and-so does that bit. | ||
| And I go, all right, I won't do it. | ||
| There's a lot of people that want to take shortcuts for everything. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They want to take shortcuts for every single thing there is. | ||
| And if there was a way that they could just take someone's song and twist it around a little bit and put it in a record and sell it. | ||
| This sounds like back in black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| It's black and blue. | ||
| It's black. | ||
| Black and blue. | ||
| I mean, there's fuckers that are like that, man. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, for sure. | ||
| They'll just copy something and just sort of rebrand it. | ||
| But you can't do that in music. | ||
| They'll fucking sue the shit out of you. | ||
| Yeah, they'll sue the shit out of you. | ||
| You can still do it in comedy. | ||
| No, you can. | ||
| And I also think it's hard to... | ||
| I really do think it's more of just an honor system where you just do your best. | ||
| To do your own stuff. | ||
| And I always say to people that go, oh, what if someone steals a joke? | ||
| I'll just write another one. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Either you can write more or you can't. | ||
| If the hour of stuff I was doing right now was the only hour I could ever come up with, then I'm wasting my time here, man. | ||
| Well, the only thing I ever feel is there's a certain amount of responsibility you have In saying something, because if you don't say something, then he steals from somebody else, and he doesn't say something, you sort of almost help the problem if you don't at least have a dialogue with the guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you may never know. | ||
| You might say something to him, and he might have never stole anything in his life, and he might have not even known that you did it. | ||
| He might have heard somebody else say it somewhere or something, and forgot, and then come up with it. | ||
| There's weird things that do happen. | ||
| I know. | ||
| My friend Mike, who wasn't a thief, who's a young comic, he fell asleep listening to a fucking Dennis Miller CD. That's amazing. | ||
| Or a cassette at the time. | ||
| And he was looking at me when he was an open miker and then had this perfect Dennis Miller joke the next day. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And I go, dude. | ||
| He's like, more like the place in Mozambique, babe. | ||
| And he's like, that's weird. | ||
| I think it was... | ||
| Why do I keep shaking my head from side to side with all my jokes now? | ||
| Hey, who wants a cup of gazpacho? | ||
| I think it was my grandfather. | ||
| It was when Reagan was president. | ||
| He's like, Reagan's 72 and he's got access to the button. | ||
| My grandfather's 72. We don't let him use the remote control for the TV. I mean, he said it just like Miller, too. | ||
| We had to tell him. | ||
| He's like, fuck! | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| But that's happened to every comic, I think, at one point or another. | ||
| You come up with this great idea, and you're like, wait, no, I think that's Ted Alexandro's bit of his shit. | ||
| Yeah, Attell is the best at that. | ||
| He's the best at it. | ||
| He'll call you up in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| Hey, have you ever heard this? | ||
| And they'll run the joke by you. | ||
| Oh, you mean he runs it by, yeah. | ||
| He's like, have you heard anything like this before? | ||
| It's not too easy. | ||
| But Attell is also one of those guys I find if I listen to too much. | ||
| He's like, who can be just like him? | ||
| One of my favorite comics. | ||
| Yeah, and I find myself sometimes on Quinn, too. | ||
| Colin, like, those guys are like, oh, look at this guy with the... | ||
| You know, and I'm like, wait a minute, that's not... | ||
| I shouldn't be doing that, you know? | ||
| You know what you do to cure that? | ||
| You watch Brody Stevens, and then you'll start saying, enjoy it, and it'll balance it out. | ||
| Brody's the most addictive to me. | ||
| I find myself doing Brody in real life. | ||
| 818. When Attell does his thing on stage where he'll say something and somebody pulls back and they're like, calm down, Rebecca. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| He doesn't know anyone's name. | ||
| He just makes up names. | ||
| I fuck it, you know? | ||
| He's like, oh, look at Carol over here! | ||
| He's one of those comics where I will occasionally have to walk out of the room because I'm like gagging for air. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| But yeah, if I hear it too much, sure, it gets in your head. | ||
| You know what's funny about him too, man? | ||
| He fucking hates everything he does. | ||
| You talk to him about it, he's like, I fucking hate that, I can't watch it, I can't watch myself. | ||
| Yeah, he's, I don't know. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons why he's so good. | ||
| I also think he's just kind of such a purist. | ||
| He's about as legit as you can be. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's a legit stand-up comic. | ||
| You know he's gotten really into Kettlebells? | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did you turn him on to that? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think somebody else must have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I don't even know if we talked about it when he was on the podcast, but he still smokes, but he's been lifting kettlebells. | ||
| Apparently he's really into it, according to Ari. | ||
| Ari told me this. | ||
| Dave's actually from my hometown, I tell. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Rockville Center. | ||
| So is Amy Schumer. | ||
| Is that Long Island? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's Rockville Center? | ||
| What's that near? | ||
| It's like the South Shore, near Garden City. | ||
| I'm trying to think of townspeople now. | ||
| Oceanside. | ||
| What year did you start doing stand-up? | ||
| I started right when I got out of school. | ||
| My senior year of college, I did a show in Boston. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 99. And then I got a job at The Daily Show, basically, right out of school, and I started doing stand-up right then, 22. Wow. | ||
| And were you doing Eastside? | ||
| Eastside wasn't around back then, was it? | ||
| I was doing any... | ||
| First of all, the first thing I was doing was... | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, I was doing Gotham bringer shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| At Gotham, which were like, you bring six people, and they do them at like 6.30 at night. | ||
| So they have a packed house, and it's all new comics. | ||
| But, you know, it was basically asking your friends and family to pay for you to do stand-up. | ||
| They do that in L.A., too. | ||
| Yeah, and it's a smart thing for the club, and it gives you a sense of what it's like to be on a real stage. | ||
| I thought it was a great system, and having been from New York, I was able to get my five people occasionally. | ||
| But then after you do that four or five times, you realize, well, this is not a sustainable business model. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And as generous as it is, at some point you're like, I don't want to do every set I do in front of my mom and dad because I need somebody to come. | ||
| And then you start finding ways to get up. | ||
| In the beginning, I did more of producing my own shows. | ||
| Getting up at clubs in New York is hard. | ||
| You're going up against a tell. | ||
| You're like, I want to do 10 minutes tonight. | ||
| They're like, nah. | ||
| They're like, first Louie's coming in, then a tell, then Ben. | ||
| You've got a lot of great stand-ups living in New York going to those clubs. | ||
| And it's easy to take a cab from club to club. | ||
| So I was doing a lot of producing my own stuff in bars and basements. | ||
| And then what you do is you barter stage time with the other guys doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you're like, I'll give you 10 minutes of my, you know, it's kind of like a comedy currency. | ||
| It was a great way to get up on stage and meet other comics and go to like really shitty basements and do really weird shows and bar. | ||
| I went to the bar in White Plains, like New York, which is like north of the city. | ||
| It's like north of Yonkers. | ||
| And everyone's there hanging out watching a Yankee game. | ||
| And all of a sudden, the bartender just shuts off all the TVs. | ||
| And he's like, everyone's like, what the fuck, Tommy? | ||
| You know, like local bar. | ||
| And he's like, comedy. | ||
| And he just, like, generically points in my direction where I'm standing holding a mic and everyone's like, what? | ||
| And then I just have to be like, so, uh, hey, have you guys taken the E train across town, right? | ||
| What a nightmare, you know? | ||
| They were like, kill yourself! | ||
| I mean, I've had a lot of those kind of shows. | ||
| I had to do the exact same type of shows in Boston. | ||
| We used to do it at this place in Cape Cod. | ||
| It was me and this guy Al Ducharme and some other dude, I forget. | ||
| And we were out there in the middle of nowhere and the hockey game was on. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| We shut off the fucking hockey game to put up comedy. | ||
| It was death. | ||
| Oh yeah, and all it is then is an exercise in... | ||
| Your ability to sustain humiliation. | ||
| It's really all it is. | ||
| People go, oh, you learn from that shit. | ||
| You learn not to do comedy in a fucking sports bar when there's a game on. | ||
| There's been other ones where they used to do. | ||
| There was one that Boston Comedy used to book for a little while that was a disco. | ||
| It was like a nightclub. | ||
| And they would stop the music. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| And they wouldn't even have a stage. | ||
| They would turn a spotlight on the dance floor. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| And you would stand there with a bunch of people who were standing. | ||
| And you do stand-up. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I've done rooms where the room... | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo did it. | ||
| He almost got to fight with somebody, and I think that's when they shut it down. | ||
| I bet DiPaolo did well. | ||
| He can handle that. | ||
| He knows how to handle that kind of shit. | ||
| He can handle anything. | ||
| But, yeah, he's another guy who's like... | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Some of his stuff... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so funny. | |
| He's so good. | ||
| He's a good dude, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great... | ||
| I mean, that's the thing I have found with comedy. | ||
| When I first started... | ||
| I remember it feeling like oh man like this everyone in this is like weird and competitive but then as you do it for a while and you get past that first stage of like crazy just looking for five minutes here and there and you really start to get to know like real professional comedians and people who do it there is a like weird bond between people who do stand-up like it's a I've only had I mean I can't say 100% of the time, I'd say 95% of the time I've met other stand-up comedians at whatever level. | ||
| I've had a pretty easy time to chat with them and get along with them. | ||
| Once you're past that, like, going on IMDB and seeing what the other guys are doing stage and you get comfortable in who you are, you know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's been my experience. | ||
| I don't know about it. | ||
| Yeah, my experience, too. | ||
| I ran into... | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| But we were just having this exact same conversation. | ||
| Goddammit, who was it? | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Damn it! | ||
| I hate when I can't pull up a fucking name. | ||
| But we're having this exact same conversation. | ||
| And it seems like when you run into... | ||
| How many comics are there? | ||
| Is there even a thousand professional comedians in the country? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems like right now there's like ten thousand. | |
| I don't know, that's how I feel. | ||
| Oh, it was Mario Joyner. | ||
| That's who I ran into. | ||
| Mario Joyner, who was the host of MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour. | ||
| I ran into him at the airport on the way to Toronto. | ||
| And we were having the same sort of conversation. | ||
| It's like, as soon as you see someone that's a comic, you're like, hey, I've barely talked to that guy five times in my life. | ||
| He's like an old friend. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| Especially, I've been on the road this last year, and I'm not at a stage. | ||
| I'm headlining, but I don't have fans. | ||
| I don't have people come see me. | ||
| So if I go to Zany's in Chicago, or I go to Helium in Philly, or just in Madison, places where there's fans of The Daily Show, probably more than not, and they promote it pretty well, I could sell out a room that holds 150 to 200. But if I go down to... | ||
| I've been in Tampa on a Wednesday night in some of those rooms. | ||
| I love all those rooms. | ||
| I love those kind of rooms. | ||
| But they're big clubs. | ||
| And you go on a Wednesday night, nobody comes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| By Saturday, there's some people in there. | ||
| But Wednesday night, there's like 50 people in a room that holds 400. You're like, hey! | ||
| And people are just hammered, pooping on themselves. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| So it's like I've... | ||
| But when you have those experiences, and you meet other people who've had those experiences, like, you have a lot, you know, just eating, like, I try now to eat as healthy as I can, but when I'm on the road, I just don't even try, because you're in, like, a hotel in fucking Kentucky. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, like, this is what I say to people, you know when you're driving on the highway, and sometimes you see a guy walking on the highway? | ||
| I'm like, that's probably a stand-up comedian. | ||
| Because, like, you stay in hotels, don't have a car, and they're like, yeah, there's an Applebee's across the highway. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, guess I gotta walk a highway. | ||
| Like, it's a weird thing. | ||
| So you end up doing this stuff other people do that most adult humans wouldn't do. | ||
| So you have these, like, a lot of things to bond over, you know? | ||
| Well, just the job itself being so strange... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coming up with a bunch of shit in your head and saying it on stage. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| In front of a microphone with a spotlight on you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's very bizarre. | ||
| And the psychology behind it, very few people are going to really relate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you run into a comic, it's like, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking played that room, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| So you know, right. | ||
| You've been to Charlie Goodnight's on a Saturday night? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know. | ||
| And the country western bar is next door. | ||
| Remember that spot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| We went next door once. | ||
| We were at the Charlie Goodnight's. | ||
| We went next door. | ||
| And there was a country western bar with a bowl, a mechanical bowl, packed to the gills. | ||
| And people were singing songs you've never heard in your life, and everyone knows the fucking words. | ||
| They're all singing along. | ||
| And it's America. | ||
| It's not like we're in Pakistan. | ||
| And they're jamming in. | ||
| You're like, well, I'm not from this country, so I don't understand what this... | ||
| You know the words. | ||
| They... | ||
| They are all singing along with songs you've never fucking heard in your life. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I thought you were gonna say like the classics. | ||
| No, like Sweet Home Alabama. | ||
| Like, you know how you sing to Sweet Home Alabama? | ||
| Everybody knows that song, right? | ||
| It's like that, but a song that you've never fucking heard of. | ||
| Real country music. | ||
| Some real country. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| Get her done. | ||
| It's like a Travis Tritt! | ||
| Travis Tritt tune's on! | ||
| They go nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a whole different part of the world, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| You ever gone to a place and they start talking to you about NASCAR? Yeah, I've gone to places where they don't like me a lot. | ||
| I always feel like the whole thing with stand-up, when people say, there's a weird thing you have to get over in the beginning, which is you're kind of an asshole. | ||
| For wanting to do it, right? | ||
| Because you're basically saying to people, not only do I think I'm funny, I think I'm so funny that you should sit here, not talk, pay money, and hear what I have to say. | ||
| So I always feel like if people don't know you and you don't already have their trust as a performer, They just see some guy coming in the room going, oh, here comes some guy who thinks he's funny. | ||
| I've found that I end up in conversations with people in places I don't want to talk to them or about things I don't want to talk to about. | ||
| In a weird way, I really like it. | ||
| I really like going to places in America that I probably wouldn't have traveled to and talking to people. | ||
| People who are not from the universe I'm in and hearing their perspective on shit. | ||
| Like, it's kind of interesting. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very interesting to talk to people that are just as confident in their beliefs, which are polar opposite of yours. | ||
| And some of them, like, you know, you'll go to some places in the Deep South, especially, they'll just assume that you're on their side about certain things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So they'll just start chiming in about whatever, you know, fill in the blank. | ||
| About this fucking welfare state or, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I also feel that sometimes, though, there is that perception, and then there's also the flip side, which is not everybody is the stereotype of what you think those places are supposed to be. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| So you end up getting in a conversation with people, you're like, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe my view on, again, like I said, we were talking about four guns. | ||
| Yeah, I totally understand the Second Amendment. | ||
| I'm pro-Second Amendment at the same time. | ||
| I do think we can... | ||
| you know, tone it down somehow. | ||
| Like, we just modify it like we should with some other stuff. | ||
| But, man, you get in a conversation like that with people and you find a lot of people going, no, I actually agree with you, man. | ||
| Like, I love guns and I hunt and this and that. | ||
| But, like, you know, I don't know that it should be that easy to get them. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, you get, like, there's a... | ||
| I find that most people are actually pretty reasonable, And that the extreme, extreme people are not the majority. | ||
| At least my experience is that. | ||
| No, they're not the majority. | ||
| There's a small percentage, but they're so vocal and so obsessed with it. | ||
| And angry, yeah. | ||
| That's with everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| With everything. | ||
| You know, you ever go to a men's rights page and read a men's rights forum? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Holy fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that's another one where you're going, huh? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a tough train to jump on. | ||
| Men's rights. | ||
| I don't think the guy should get fucked over in divorces, which seems to be the only issue. | ||
| The only issue to me seems to be child custody and financial support. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I don't see any other issues. | ||
| Where else are men getting... | ||
| Maybe there's something else, but maybe I'm missing it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it depends on the divorce. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| Depending on what went on in that relationship is really the determining factor. | ||
| I mean, I guess it's more common for the women to get kids and more money, but I think if you're getting kids, then yeah, you should get the fucking money. | ||
| It's a guy's responsibility to take care of his kids, even if they get divorced, you know? | ||
| Unless she did something to endanger the family, you know what I mean? | ||
| I think a lot of times divorces are more one-sided, maybe, than we realize. | ||
| My point is, I think a lot of times guys are the dick. | ||
| Well, sometimes women are evil, though, man. | ||
| I've had friends that have been involved in evil divorces. | ||
| I've had several friends that lost a shitload of money and they just got scammed. | ||
| They got scammed. | ||
| I can bring you a bunch of stories, which I just don't want to talk about them on the air, but about Good friends that fucking lost everything they worked for for like a decade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's brutal. | |
| They got jobbed. | ||
| I know that it happens on both sides. | ||
| Women get fucked over and men get fucked over. | ||
| Bill Byrd does that bit on his last, I think it was his last one, the You People Are All The Same, where he's talking about we have a gold-digging whore problem in this country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| He's like, that's an epidemic. | ||
| Nobody taught Arnold Schwarzenegger How to handle that level of life, you know? | ||
| He just goes through what Schwarzenegger accomplished to get to where he is, and he's like, he just makes him a sympathetic character. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's incredible, yeah. | ||
| And he's like, we have a gold-digging horror problem. | ||
| So he was calling Schwarzenegger's maid a gold-digging whore? | ||
| Well, yeah, he was just... | ||
| I think he's calling Schwarzenegger's maid a gold-digging whore. | ||
| Again, I'm paraphrasing. | ||
| Yeah, I want to see it. | ||
| Yeah, you got to see it. | ||
| But that special is one of the best hours I've ever seen. | ||
| I love Bill. | ||
| Yeah, he's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, he's funny as shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's incredible. | ||
| He always has some great points. | ||
| He has this great bit that I was listening to the other day about women saying that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. | ||
| I don't think you do the hardest job in the world in your fucking pajamas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's so funny because I thought it would be being a redhead roofing in August. | ||
| He talks about guns in that special and he's saying how he wanted to buy a gun and the guy wanted a shotgun, you know, like the guy was trying to sell him on a shotgun. | ||
| He's got a good spray. | ||
| He goes, look, I just want to hit the bad guy. | ||
| I don't want to be doing all sorts of drywall work. | ||
| He goes, I don't want to have to reframe my diplomas and get a new parakeet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want to hit the bad guy. | |
| Get a new parakeet? | ||
| I must have rewatched that 50 fucking times. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| Reframe my diplomas. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| But that's special. | ||
| That hour is just like... | ||
| There are moments in that special live on stage in this huge theater where he's talking about like... | ||
| Hitting women, things that you just would be so scared to talk about. | ||
| And he feels the room back away and he goes, don't pull away. | ||
| He's like, don't back away. | ||
| He goes at them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's the epitome of Boston comedy. | ||
| Boston style of attack comedy. | ||
| Attack comedy and owning your perspective, owning your shit. | ||
| You thought it through. | ||
| You're going to fight your fights. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| He has this funny bit, too, about black people being, they get called racist less than white people just because of where they put the word fuck. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He goes, because a black guy would go, so yo, there was this Asian motherfucker, and he, you know, and nobody hits a beat. | ||
| But if you go, yeah, well, this fucking Asian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like, he goes, I said the same thing, but I'm racist. | ||
| Well, the inflection. | ||
| Because I put the fuck in the wrong part. | ||
| Yeah, you put it in the wrong spot, yeah. | ||
| Really funny, man. | ||
| That's very funny. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Because if you were like this Asian fucker, be like, that's like a cool guy. | ||
| Like an Asian fucker would be a cool guy. | ||
| But a fucking Asian is a dude who's like screwing you over somewhere, yeah. | ||
| Or it's a guy who doesn't like Asians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| It's like another one. | ||
| A fucking Asian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's, who bought the new house? | ||
| A fucking Asian. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Ah, Jesus. | ||
| This Asian motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, cool! | ||
| If I could go over and have some food. | ||
| Have that motherfucker over for a barbecue. | ||
| Have that motherfucker over for a barbecue. | ||
| Yeah, totally different. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is a good time for comedy, isn't it? | ||
| It's a good time to see different comics. | ||
| There's so many funny comics out now. | ||
| I agree, too. | ||
| I also think it's cool... | ||
| I think the internet is a cool way to be exposed to people and see different styles. | ||
| I'm always so happy. | ||
| Like I said, I go to these clubs and they'll pair you up with a middle act or features or whatever, the same thing, or an opener. | ||
| Like, there are a lot of guys out there that are just good. | ||
| They're just really good. | ||
| They got, like, interesting perspectives and funny people. | ||
| And, like, you know, there's a couple of comics in Austin I've worked with that are, like, fucking hysterical, man. | ||
| And they're local dudes. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, they haven't, like, jumped on the plane yet to L.A., you know what I mean? | ||
| Or New York, wherever they want to do it next. | ||
| But, you know, that's the really cool thing about comedy is, like, I mean, I was from New York and working at The Daily Show, so I didn't... | ||
| Do anything but try to get up there, which is always hard, still is hard. | ||
| But there's these guys who live in these cities, and there's a whole scene, a whole comedy scene, and they get tons of stage time. | ||
| So they get really, really good. | ||
| They go to these smaller markets, like Atlanta. | ||
| I did a place called The Laughing Skull in Atlanta. | ||
| Yeah, I've been to that spot. | ||
| It's like 80 people, and they have unlimited stage time. | ||
| They're like, yeah, just whatever, man, have fun. | ||
| You're like, okay... | ||
| I will have fun. | ||
| It's not like, 45 minutes, come on, we've got to flip the tables. | ||
| It's just like, yeah, enjoy yourself. | ||
| That's what we do here at The Laughing Skull. | ||
| All the comics are there. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| They're funny. | ||
| It's like, oh, there's a whole way to get good at this without having to beg people to give you 10 minutes, which is nice. | ||
| Yeah, well, there should be a bunch of different options, but it's cool when a club like the Laughing Skull comes along where you have one club, which is sort of the epicenter of creativity. | ||
| They're not making a lot of money there. | ||
| They can't be. | ||
| They're having good comics, and I'm sure they're paying the bills and stuff, but it's not motivated by that. | ||
| There's a real feeling to that place. | ||
| Yeah, it's the restaurant bar that's attached to it that's, I think, making the money. | ||
| Yeah, which is killer, too, by the way. | ||
| They have some of the best fucking cheeseburgers you'll ever eat in your life. | ||
| Well, it's a real, like, southern grease pit. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I actually did a couple, like, after each show, I'd like to have a to-go whatever gross thing I ordered. | ||
| And, you know, that's, like, another thing you always can bond with comics about is, like, the gross thing you ate in your hotel room. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Just waking up, going out, doing a gig in Philly, going home, stopping, getting a cheesesteak, and going in a room, just leaning over the desk in a Hyatt, devouring a cheesesteak, and then getting right into bed. | ||
| Just terrible decision-making. | ||
| I've done that many times. | ||
| I was going to wear my greasy Tony's t-shirt today. | ||
| I found it. | ||
| I was cleaning out my closet. | ||
| I threw out a bunch of shirts, you know, like old stupid MMA t-shirts that people would give me. | ||
| I just had stacks of shit that I've been throwing away. | ||
| And this Greasy Tony's shirt. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, no charge for extra grease. | ||
| There used to be this place, Greasy Tony's, which is across the street from the Tempe Improv. | ||
| And it was the quintessential late night, take it back to your hotel room, eat it. | ||
| You'd wake up, your room would smell like pepper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| What was it called? | ||
| The Garbage Pail? | ||
| Yeah, that was his big one. | ||
| He had a big sandwich called the Garbage Pail. | ||
| And everything was in it. | ||
| Peppers and tomatoes and lettuce and steak. | ||
| Oh my god, it was ridiculous. | ||
| Did you just see the grease stains on the Hilton blotter on the desk from the guy before you? | ||
| He died of a heart attack. | ||
| Oh, shocker. | ||
| Who saw that coming? | ||
| Yeah, shocking newsflash. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| Fat, unhealthy guy who cooks things called garbage sandwiches that died of a heart attack. | ||
| Well, we saw him after, like, a bunch of years. | ||
| You know, we see him there every year. | ||
| One year he wasn't there, and then we saw him the next year. | ||
| Apparently he'd had a heart attack and then had heart surgery, and he lost a ton of weight, and you could tell, like, the end was nigh. | ||
| Yeah, once they cut you open. | ||
| And then the next time we came back, he was dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was nice. | ||
| But it was one of those spots. | ||
| Tempe Improv, you ever do that place? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Not done. | ||
| It's great, great, great club. | ||
| It's a wild town. | ||
| Those people fucking party. | ||
| There's a few places that every time we're in that city, we're always like, we gotta go to, like, Beba's, or whatever. | ||
| What was that called? | ||
| In Houston, across the street, they had that cheese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The melted cheese. | |
| I think it was Beba's. | ||
| They had that cheese. | ||
| Yeah, the Greek place. | ||
| The Greek place. | ||
| I fucking forget the name, man. | ||
| It went under, too. | ||
| Didn't that place go under? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Or it got flooded. | ||
| Well, that club went under, so no one goes down there anymore anyway. | ||
| That was a perfect example. | ||
| Houston was an incredible place for comedy. | ||
| But it was all because of the Laugh Stop. | ||
| The Laugh Stop and River Oaks. | ||
| Oh my God, what a club. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What a club. | ||
| It was fantastic. | ||
| I recorded my first CD there in 1999. That's sick. | ||
| And then it just closed down? | ||
| It just went under. | ||
| The guy who was running it was this crazy dude who a lot of people implicated with getting, like people were mad at him. | ||
| He got drugs allegedly for some comedians and could have included Hedberg allegedly. | ||
| Oh, gotcha. | ||
| Yeah, so he like... | ||
| Well, he was running the club, but apparently he was siphoning money, allegedly. | ||
| I love that you're saying allegedly. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| These are strange times. | ||
| I know, I know, it's true. | ||
| I'm not even saying his name, but either way, that guy, for all his faults, was the reason why comedy was so big, in that he completely supported open mics, completely supported young talent, completely supported local talent. | ||
| He had a good open mind when it came to comedy. | ||
| Really wanted to do the right thing. | ||
| It just wasn't really his club. | ||
| He was working for it. | ||
| He led everybody to believe that it was his club. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| There was really an actual owner behind it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The books were cooked. | ||
| allegedly but man when we were working there was amazing It was the perfect setup. | ||
| The stage was perfect. | ||
| The audience was perfect. | ||
| It was one of the proudest places that I like, God, I didn't have to laugh stop. | ||
| To me, it was like where Kinnison started out. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Hicks started out there. | ||
| Yeah, like it made something to you. | ||
| Well, I find that a lot of the times I've had, not a lot of the times, but there's been a few times where I've gone to clubs that are new. | ||
| There was one in New York that opened a couple years ago that I loved called Comics. | ||
| And a lot of comics didn't like it because it looked too glitzy and nice. | ||
| But I used to do a lot of sets there. | ||
| If you packed the place, it was a really great room. | ||
| But they treated you almost too well, you know? | ||
| Are you confused? | ||
| Yeah, well, no. | ||
| There was a green room, and then there would be a menu. | ||
| They'd be like, order anything you want. | ||
| And it was like, this place can't sustain. | ||
| There's no way you can... | ||
| Feed comics like that and keep this place going. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It's New York City. | ||
| The rent must have been 50 grand a week, a month, whatever. | ||
| So all of a sudden, over time, and again, I love this club, but we'd be sitting in the green room, and then there used to be menus and Fiji water and things. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| This is like a Tuesday night show we're doing for 50 people, if that. | ||
| And there's fucking unlimited... | ||
| And then all of a sudden, near the end, all of a sudden, you go in the green room, and the menu was just like sliders. | ||
| There was one thing on the menu now, and then it was like... | ||
| A thing of water. | ||
| A pitcher of water. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They started to just scale back on all that stuff. | ||
| And that's when you were like, this place is going down. | ||
| And then all of a sudden they were doing things that were after comedy. | ||
| They were having DJs come in for late night dance parties. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, shit. | ||
| Was that the one that was connected to the hotel where you could just go up? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, that was the one that was in an area that's not known for live entertainment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
14th. | |
| It's right in the meatpacking, 14th and 9th. | ||
| It used to be a bar called... | ||
| Shit, what was it called? | ||
| It was an old... | ||
| It was like a throwback saloon kind of bar that they used to have in New York. | ||
| I can't think of the name of it. | ||
| It was kind of famous. | ||
| And they had peanut shells on the floor. | ||
| It was like a Coyote Ugly type of place. | ||
| And I once went there. | ||
| I went with there one time when I was in college. | ||
| And I saw a guy in a wheelchair get into a fight with a guy not in a wheelchair. | ||
| And he won. | ||
| It was one of the more amazing things I've ever seen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, like a bar fight, except one of the dudes was in a wheelchair, and he launched himself out of the wheelchair, tackled this guy, and was just pummeling this dude. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it was one of those bar fights that happened so quick. | ||
| You just sort of go in like, is that dude, did that guy just jump out of a wheelchair? | ||
| And then it got broken up, and he just kind of like... | ||
| Crawled back to his wheelchair? | ||
| No, he barely even crawled. | ||
| He just forehand things in a spring and he was back in his chair. | ||
| It was like, wow, that dude's fucking... | ||
| That guy's for real, you know? | ||
| That's when I pitched my wheelchair fighting show, which never went. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cripple fight. | ||
| Well, you ever seen those wheelchair basketball guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those motherfuckers can move. | ||
| Well, they're serious fucking athletes, yeah. | ||
| But that was a really weird bar. | ||
| Like, for New York City, that was not, like... | ||
| That was before everything kind of turned in that area. | ||
| Like, it was really, like, shady. | ||
| The kind of place where, like, dudes got into fights with guys in wheelchairs. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Yeah, those areas that used to be shady and aren't shady anymore. | ||
| That's amazing to me how that happens. | ||
| Not only are they not shady, but... | ||
| They're just buying up real estate. | ||
| They're unaffordable. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| New York City has become completely offensively unaffordable. | ||
| Yeah, I looked at some places when I was there last, like, if I lived here, what could I afford? | ||
| And it's like, that costs what? | ||
| That's an apartment, huh? | ||
| How much is that a month? | ||
| What are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| The standard used to be, if you were to buy a place, like maybe... | ||
| Eight, nine years ago, ten years ago, would be like a thousand dollars a square foot. | ||
| So a thousand square feet was a million bucks. | ||
| And that's like without a view or whatever. | ||
| But now, those prices are even higher, I think, from some of the listings I've seen. | ||
| And now in Queens, like neighborhoods that you... | ||
| I don't care, like I'm from Long Island. | ||
| Queens is part of Long Island right there. | ||
| It's like ten minutes probably from where I grew up. | ||
| But now you're starting to see these neighborhoods are flipping in Queens. | ||
| Long Island City is the coolest. | ||
| You've got to get a place there. | ||
| Now those apartments are a thousand bucks a square foot. | ||
| And they're outside the fucking Midtown Tunnel. | ||
| And I'm like, listen, I don't care. | ||
| I don't know who you're selling on fucking Queens. | ||
| It's Queens. | ||
| It's going to be Queens. | ||
| It's not going to not be Queens. | ||
| Don't buy a place there for a million dollars. | ||
| But what about Brooklyn? | ||
| Brooklyn didn't used to be Brooklyn. | ||
| Brooklyn is the same thing. | ||
| Brooklyn completely turned. | ||
| But it's really turned around. | ||
| Real estate is super expensive. | ||
| I'm a horrible real estate guy, clearly. | ||
| Because even in Brooklyn, we're like, yeah, look at these idiots in Williamsburg. | ||
| You know, I don't know what they're doing, but yeah. | ||
| My friend had a place in Brooklyn that was almost better than living in Manhattan. | ||
| Yeah, Brooklyn's awesome. | ||
| Well, he had a place where he was across the river, but he had this, like, top floor of his apartment where you would look out and you'd see the most insane city in Because you saw the city and the water from a distance. | ||
| I was like, dude, you might have the best view in the world. | ||
| It might be worth living in Brooklyn just for this view. | ||
| Well, that's what they're selling in Queens, because you're right on the other side of the river, so you're looking right at Midtown. | ||
| That view's insane. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's almost better than being in it, because when you're in it, you're butted up with all these other buildings. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Shane Smith's got a spot on the river. | ||
| Yeah, that's sweet. | ||
| Look out from his living room. | ||
| It's just all glass. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But places like that, if you got them, I don't know him or when he got his place, but that kind of real estate was a home run 15 years ago. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But now, it's all been discovered. | ||
| The city is completely... | ||
| It's just, it's unaffordable, to be quite honest. | ||
| The thing is, like, if you look at it from Jersey, it doesn't look as good. | ||
| Like, you really want to be in, like, Brooklyn. | ||
| You want to be, like, right there on it. | ||
| Like, have you ever seen the views of, like, up Doheny in the Hollywood Hills? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude, at nighttime, you can't believe how cool it looks. | ||
| It looks like you're in a science fiction movie. | ||
| I know, it's crazy. | ||
| Because you're on a hill looking down at the light grid of L.A. Yeah. | ||
| And it's magical. | ||
| It's almost cooler than the stars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's like, it's actually, it looks a lot like the star, you're above them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it looks like, yeah, it's very cool. | ||
| It's the best view in all of L.A. Like, L.A. has some great views. | ||
| The views of the ocean is pretty badass. | ||
| The views of the mountains are pretty badass. | ||
| But the view over, like, Doheny, looking down, like those, any of those really high spots. | ||
| Yeah, those Hollywood spots are fucking shit. | ||
| Those are scary places, though, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those Hollywood Hills houses get robbed. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah, that's where the men, Girls Gone Wild, whatever his name is. | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| Joe something or another. | ||
| He got fucking ass... | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I think it might have been personal. | ||
| Somebody might have done something to him up there. | ||
| But people like Ice-T got home invaded up there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know a dude who was in the middle of the night. | ||
| Someone tried to break into his house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| That's scary as hell. | ||
| Yeah, I know a guy who got murdered up there. | ||
| What? | ||
| Keanu Reeves the other day had two people break into his house in the same day, and one of them was naked. | ||
| But doesn't he know jiu-jitsu? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know jiu-jitsu. | |
| That's a victory on his part. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| I don't know that much about the LA area. | ||
| I started living there. | ||
| I got a place out here, and I was digging it, man. | ||
| I was really into it. | ||
| Now I'm going back to do this other thing in New York for a while, so... | ||
| I like it out here a lot. | ||
| Well, the nice thing is the weather. | ||
| The weather's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't know. | ||
| Also, just the lifestyle. | ||
| There is a difference. | ||
| When I first got here a couple months ago or a year ago, I was thinking, oh man, people out here don't work. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| In New York, people are working. | ||
| I was saying how expensive it is. | ||
| You've got to work 11 hours just to keep the lights on there, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not that it's definitely cheaper real estate-wise, but it's also the style of living is not... | ||
| There's more people that have lunch and ride their bikes and exercise. | ||
| I don't have more free time than you start realizing, oh, that's a whole other way to live. | ||
| I kind of like this way to live. | ||
| You don't have to just be turning the work machine... | ||
| It feels like people work at a TV show, they go on a hiatus, they float for a couple months, and they pick up another gig. | ||
| They're not like... | ||
| At least that has been my perception. | ||
| Maybe it's also, like you said, the amount of money that you need to spend to live in New York. | ||
| You kind of have to work like that. | ||
| All the time, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like the culture there. | ||
| It's like people don't ever... | ||
| Half the jobs, not even half, it feels like a majority of the jobs in New York... | ||
| Are just jobs where you, like, sell money to make money. | ||
| Like, there's all these, like, Wall Street guys. | ||
| So there's not even, like... | ||
| An industry. | ||
| They're not even, like, contributing. | ||
| They're not even, like... | ||
| It's not like shoes are coming off an assembly line. | ||
| They're just like, here's some paper. | ||
| Here's my paper. | ||
| Like, here's my money. | ||
| And then they're like, jet ski. | ||
| Woo-hoo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Like, it's like... | ||
| It's like this unstoppable wealth machine. | ||
| It's kind of gross. | ||
| And it's already, they've become accustomed to it. | ||
| Nobody wants to abandon it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, they love it. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| And it's like this hedge fund thing. | ||
| It's super wealth. | ||
| The Young Turks had this thing that they were doing about the presidential campaigns, and they have something on their website where you can write in people who you'd like to see run for president instead of Hillary Clinton or whatever. | ||
| And they were talking about how much money Hillary Clinton has gotten from banks, just recently, from Goldman Sachs, doing speaking engagements, like hundreds of thousands of dollars, just recently. | ||
| Just to give these sympathetic speeches about how people don't understand, the banks aren't that bad, and this is all the good things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever it takes. | |
| Whatever it takes. | ||
| You're not going to stand on your principles when you're looking to raise money. | ||
| Those people are just... | ||
| They're making too much money. | ||
| They're fucking using... | ||
| Exactly what you said. | ||
| Using numbers, moving ones and zeros, and taking big percentages of those movements. | ||
| And no one understands how or why. | ||
| Not only do people not understand it, but it really makes you feel like the economy... | ||
| Is all make-believe anyway, right? | ||
| Because it's like this weird thing where you look at your computer screen and there's numbers on it. | ||
| And then when you buy something, those numbers go down. | ||
| But then you have the thing. | ||
| Sometimes with my credit card, I hand somebody my credit card and then they give me said item. | ||
| I'm like, I just get to leave with this now? | ||
| I've never really given you anything. | ||
| You realize that you just swiped a thing. | ||
| And you just sign this thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like a weird... | ||
| There's this weird lack of actual exchange that's occurring. | ||
| And so these guys have figured out that system somehow. | ||
| Well, they have, but they have only because of the need for a third-party system. | ||
| And that's where Bitcoin and things like that get very interesting and terrifying. | ||
| For people that run things right now financially, because if digital currency gets adopted, and it is adopted in a lot of ways now, there's a lot of things you can buy and pay for in Bitcoin. | ||
| A lot of people are doing shows where you can pay for their show in Bitcoin. | ||
| They're buying televisions, and Tiger Direct is selling computers with Bitcoin. | ||
| I think Dell's using Bitcoin, too, right? | ||
| I might not be wrong about that, but if that catches on, then this whole business goes away because there's no third party. | ||
| If you sell microphones and I say, hey, Rory, I want to buy a microphone, how many bitcoin is it? | ||
| And you tell me how much and I give it to you and we're done. | ||
| It's just between you and me. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a private currency. | ||
| Not only that, the IRS doesn't know how to handle it. | ||
| They're calling it property. | ||
| They're not saying it's income. | ||
| I bet they'll figure out a way to make money on it, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah, without a doubt. | ||
| They'll figure out a way to make money on marijuana. | ||
| Well, that's the whole... | ||
| To me, though, that's the only really... | ||
| I mean, I guess now it's becoming legal all over the country, but it feels like, you know, if they want to make money, like, just tax weed and make it legal, like, you know, that's going to get us out of... | ||
| Hundreds of millions. | ||
| Yeah, very quickly. | ||
| Like, it's just like, that's it. | ||
| Like, everybody wants it, and then you'll make money, and then whatever. | ||
| Take some extra money for it, at least it's not illegal. | ||
| I mean, people go to jail for weed still. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| It's fucking up this economy because you're giving people money in a way. | ||
| If you make it illegal, they're going to sell it. | ||
| They're just going to. | ||
| So you're giving people money, and you're figuring out some sort of a way where they have to juke the system. | ||
| They're not going to pay taxes on it. | ||
| You're not going to get your cut. | ||
| In Colorado, they get 39%. | ||
| If you buy a joint, 39% goes to taxes. | ||
| And everybody's like, okay. | ||
| Everybody's like, who cares? | ||
| It's still fairly cheap. | ||
| It's still a couple bucks for a joint or whatever it turns out. | ||
| Between the altitude and the weed at this point. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| You go out for drinks. | ||
| How much do you spend? | ||
| I mean, everybody buys a drink. | ||
| It's five bucks. | ||
| It's another five bucks. | ||
| You buy a round for your buddies. | ||
| It's $30. | ||
| It's this. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| At the end of the night, you're out a few hundred bucks. | ||
| If you have a couple hundred bucks of weed, you're in a fucking coma for a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit. | |
| You might not survive. | ||
| You might be the first guy to die from a couple hundred dollars a week. | ||
| But that's why it's, like, that's why it's, uh, I think that there's the hesitations, though. | ||
| I think that there's a lot of, like, big business concern about what does that mean. | ||
| Oh, definitely. | ||
| It's like, you know, I mean, like, you know, alcohol companies, tobacco companies, like, all sorts of big bribe politicians kind of industries are worried. | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| Prescription drug companies. | ||
| People that are concerned that they won't be controlling this substance. | ||
| It's a lot easier to grow pot in your backyard than it is to stomp grapes and make wine, I think. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, it's also they have a real problem when you're running any sort of a giant corporation is that your business has to increase every year. | ||
| It's these unlimited growth models. | ||
| Those are ridiculous. | ||
| Because if you have stockholders, you have to make the money. | ||
| We're up 5% this quarter. | ||
| If you keep going, you're going to have all the money on the planet. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| You can't keep going if you're open for another 100 years business. | ||
| It seems to me that if I do my calculations, IBM or fucking Apple, you have all the money. | ||
| If you keep growing, you own everything. | ||
| At a certain point in time, that sounds... | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Well, there's going to be like four companies in the whole world. | ||
| It's getting there now, anyway. | ||
| Especially as they start to combine. | ||
| So they all have to be terrified about any potential loss in revenue. | ||
| So potential loss in revenue because of legalization of things. | ||
| Even if they came up with a potential loss in revenue, but it would cure Ebola. | ||
| There's a lot of companies that would be like, fuck that. | ||
| We're not losing money. | ||
| Fuck those Africans. | ||
| Hey, if they want to fucking play with bodies over there, go at it. | ||
| I think that that's a very accurate... | ||
| From my understanding of it, which is limited, I won't pretend it's not, but it's like, from my understanding of it, it seems that the straight-up, hardcore business mentality is the only thing that matters is the bottom line, is how much we made. | ||
| And that's... | ||
| The job that they have is to just make sure those numbers get high. | ||
| And then it becomes a sort of thing, well, who's to tell them what they should or shouldn't do with that money? | ||
| And that's a larger argument. | ||
| They go, well, you know, government's taking tax on any of that money, so technically they're giving a lot of it away, you know, that's not... | ||
| Anyway, so then why do they have to cure Ebola? | ||
| Why can't they just get a crystal bathtub? | ||
| Like, what's the fucking... | ||
| Who's to say they can't, right? | ||
| And that's where you get into this, like, what I call, like, the soup of America right now, where people are mad that there's, like, these super rich people... | ||
| But then there's another group of people who are poor and being told that someday they will be super rich, so they should protect the super rich people. | ||
| And then there's the left who just feels like, oh no, no, no, no. | ||
| Everyone should have an equal share of everything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You can't have an equal share. | ||
| Some people don't do equal work. | ||
| And that's the opinion of the right. | ||
| I agree with that opinion. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think everybody does equal work and deserves equal pay. | ||
| But at the same time, there is a sector of the population that has not had an equal opportunity to succeed. | ||
| And that's a reality. | ||
| Those people have not had an opportunity. | ||
| That's the big point, right? | ||
| That's the number one point. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| So it's like, you can't compare my childhood to some kid from the inner city. | ||
| Or you can't compare some kid from the inner city to Africa. | ||
| Right. | ||
| These people that grow up in these mud huts in Africa where the fucking Ebola lady who died in the hut next door and the husband's trying to pretend she's not dead and the whole city gets sick. | ||
| I mean, that guy's got it way fucking worse than anybody in America ever. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But I mean, talking strictly, because once you start getting into international problems, that's where it really gets fucked up. | ||
| Here's where it's really fucked up. | ||
| Somebody just told me this the other day. | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| The real 1%, the real 1%, when you talk about the 1% of the people that make the most wealth in this world... | ||
| If you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet. | ||
| For the planet? | ||
| For the planet. | ||
| $35,000 a year. | ||
| If you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Wrap your fucking head around that. | ||
| That's a true... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm just repeating it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, fuck it. | |
| You could be totally wrong. | ||
| I should Google it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| I'll Google it right now. | ||
| I'll Google it. | ||
| No, but I do think that's true. | ||
| I think that when you start... | ||
| Strictly speaking domestically, because if you start going internationally, it gets really complicated. | ||
| Because even with global warming, people talk about changing how we live on the planet. | ||
| But that's not just America. | ||
| You'd technically have to get the entire world... | ||
| In on that shit. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen what's pumping out of the sky in China. | ||
| God, that's so scary. | ||
| It ain't pretty. | ||
| Even if we turn our shit around, the world is... | ||
| See that volcano, Joe, in Japan? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's so funny you said that because I was on this run last night of researching super volcanoes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot, man. | ||
| What was the point? | ||
| You're just scared of an eruption? | ||
| Well, I went into Yellowstone and I was reading about Yellowstone and about how often it's blown and how many people have died. | ||
| Then I found out there's one actually in California. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| There's one in California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| There's one in northern California. | ||
| There's a caldera volcano. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It hasn't blown in X amount of 100,000 years, but there's one in California and then there's the Yellowstone one. | ||
| Oh, you mean Old Man Steam Pipe? | ||
| Well, there's an even bigger one in Indonesia that they think might have been responsible for the reason why all human beings come from like a group of original humans. | ||
| They think that the one that happened in Indonesia was so fucking big 75 million years ago or whatever it was, or 75,000 years ago, that it killed so many fucking people that there was like very few people left. | ||
| And that we all came from the survivors of this extreme cold front that washed over the entire country. | ||
| Or the entire world and put the world into essentially an ice age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And nothing anybody could do about that. | ||
| Doesn't matter how much plastic is in the ocean. | ||
| Doesn't matter how much you clean up the streets. | ||
| Doesn't matter how much you stop the gentrification of Brooklyn and fucking give back to the poor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If that motherfucker blows, that's a wrap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that motherfucker blows, there's not much anybody can do, but try to figure out a way to can food and preserve as much nutrients as you can and bags and get underground. | ||
| And you'll probably bring some fucking vitamin D because you're not going to get any from the sun for the next decade or so. | ||
| You bring a tanning bed. | ||
| Let's be realistic. | ||
| You bring a high-end tanning bed. | ||
| Vitamin D. The video of the tourists with all the ashes just coming right towards them. | ||
| And they're still finding bodies in this ash. | ||
| It was, I guess, knee deep. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| That's really scary. | ||
| It's scary that they can't predict that shit, too. | ||
| It just sort of blows, man. | ||
| Just boom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they can't really predict too much. | ||
| Yep, it's $34,000. | ||
| Globally, $34,000 a year, you're in the top 1%. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's absolutely crazy. | ||
| That's what's really going on in the world. | ||
| That's what should scare the fucking shit out of everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it is. | ||
| That's real disparity. | ||
| Yeah, it is real disparity. | ||
| We take most of what we have, I think, for granted. | ||
| You know, it's like, you ever, like I was, when I flew in here, you know, it's like they got on the PA on the plane, they go, oh, you know, the Wi-Fi's down on the plane, and you hear people like, ugh. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| C.K. has a whole bit about that. | ||
| Oh, does he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There it goes. | ||
| Oh, wait, the one about, exactly. | ||
| Is that the one about, then what, you fly like a god? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He's like, everything is awesome and nobody's happy. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I don't know that bit. | ||
| He's like, the whole thing about the Wi-Fi shutting down on the plane. | ||
| That's exactly it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| This fucking piece of shit doesn't work. | ||
| He's like, it goes to space. | ||
| Is that in that same bit where he says, and then what? | ||
| You fly like a Greek myth? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| That's from Hilarious. | ||
| I didn't know he talked about Wi-Fi on planes because I thought that was... | ||
| I wasn't even, again, not even trying to do a bit. | ||
| So, again, perfect example of what we were talking about, but not trying to do a bit, but just the idea of, like, we do take, and Louis, I think, is on the forefront of bringing all that shit up. | ||
| Like, that's why he's so fucking awesome. | ||
| It's just, like, we're always unhappy, and we take everything for granted, and that... | ||
| The thing that opened my eyes to that more than anything was when I did a USO stand-up tour last summer in Afghanistan and hung out with those fucking guys and was like, not only am I a huge pussy, which had been confirmed years ago, but I have no... | ||
| I have... | ||
| No, like, right to even fucking bitch about the kind of shit that I can think of to complain about. | ||
| Yeah, no right, zero. | ||
| Yeah, zero right. | ||
| And I really have made an effort, concerted effort, to, like, not let that kind of shit bother me anymore. | ||
| That's a bad habit. | ||
| It's just a habit. | ||
| Like, dude, it's a fucking touchscreen computer in your pocket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever, 10 years ago, you couldn't even imagine the shit you could do on this, you know? | ||
| It'd be like, fucking, like, ugh. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| If he's got a fucking signal that I don't, I'm pissed. | ||
| I don't care what you say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, the other thing is... | ||
| He's downloading shit, and I can't even check my email. | ||
| Well, the reverse part of the argument is, but I'm also spending, like, 200 bucks a month for it. | ||
| So, like, you better fucking work, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the other part of the argument, you know? | ||
| Well, how much should it be worth? | ||
| What's the realistic number? | ||
| Of what? | ||
| How much should a phone be worth? | ||
| It should be worth like a million dollars. | ||
| I mean, this fucking phone, how much can it do for you? | ||
| You think about what a phone actually does do for you. | ||
| But when they're built by slaves, Joe, they don't have to... | ||
| That's where it gets tricky. | ||
| They don't have to, yeah, you know, that's, again, where you get in the hypocrisy of all things, where you can't ever escape unintentionally being a hypocrite. | ||
| Well, not even unintentionally. | ||
| Let's just put willfully ignorant at the top of the list. | ||
| If anybody that's, like, super progressive, I'm only a vegan, I'm only trying to save the whales, I don't want to harm anything, but I have a fucking iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you have a little bottle of conflict minerals in your hand. | ||
| Sure do, yeah. | ||
| That shit came out of, an African boy dug that shit out of a hole in the ground with a stick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's probably the origin of the minerals, the Coltrane inside your phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then like a suicidal worker in a Chinese factory put this thing together on like two hours of sleep and like a 30 hour work day. | ||
| Yeah, with a place that has nets all around the building. | ||
| Nets, so that when they do or if they jump, they might not die. | ||
| I had this conversation with somebody about that. | ||
| It's actually very fucked up and we just deal with it because whatever man, what am I going to do? | ||
| Not have a phone, you know? | ||
| Yeah, we accept it. | ||
| There was a company for a while that was trying to do a Fairphone, remember that? | ||
| Google that Fairphone. | ||
| See if whatever happened with that. | ||
| They were only going to do 3G, and people were like, what? | ||
| What about 4G LC? Fuck this Fairphone. | ||
| And everybody just abandoned them. | ||
| Take out the whips, boys! | ||
| We need 4G! No conflict minerals. | ||
| They were going to do it. | ||
| It was going to be ethical. | ||
| It was going to cost a little bit more. | ||
| Oh, Fairphone. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| But I had this conversation with a friend, and he was like, well, did you know that the people that jump off the building in China, it's actually the same percentage commit suicide at those factories as the national average? | ||
| I go, yeah, but how many of the national average kill themselves while they're at work? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, but they work there and they live there, too. | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| See, that's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| In other words, you can't joke about, oh, well, if it's the national average, like, it still seems like if a guy who made my phone wanted to kill himself, it's still a little bit, it should be a little bit of guilt. | ||
| That's a haunted device. | ||
| In every fucking call, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that fucking device is haunted, right? | ||
| Yeah, there's a chance. | ||
| It should make you feel terrible. | ||
| Yes, it should. | ||
| You should be freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Every time it rings, it should make you feel a little sad. | ||
| Yeah, but I need it. | ||
| I ordered a 6. I haven't gotten mine in. | ||
| I'm waiting on my 6. The Fairphone is now in stock. | ||
| What's the specs, Brian? | ||
| Read the specs. | ||
| Can you read it? | ||
| It's right here. | ||
| It says front camera, 1.3 megabytes. | ||
| Android OS. You mean gigabytes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, giga... | |
| No. | ||
| Megapixels, rather? | ||
| Yeah, gigabytes. | ||
| Megapixels. | ||
| Megapixels. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Android OS. That's weak. | ||
| 4.2 jelly beans. | ||
| Smells like patchouli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
KitKat? | |
| Isn't KitKat? | ||
| Isn't the new one... | ||
| And all the crystals inside are spiritual crystals. | ||
| They're all like, you know, remove demons from your soul. | ||
| Which version of Android does it run? | ||
| Is that the latest? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| I mean, it looks... | ||
| It literally is like a phone from five years ago. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| But what is their pitch? | ||
| What do they guarantee? | ||
| Everyone who worked on it was really happy. | ||
| Conflict-free. | ||
| Our soldering paste uses tin. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| It's going to be a shitty signal when you're on the subway. | ||
| Don't get it. | ||
| Fuses paste. | ||
| Soldering paste. | ||
| Soldering paste. | ||
| We made it with the yucca plant. | ||
| We ground the roots. | ||
| To make a biodegradable paste. | ||
| Biodegradable phone. | ||
| GPS, Wi-Fi, and grass-fed Bluetooth. | ||
| Grass-fed. | ||
| Is it gluten-free? | ||
| Is that a gluten-free phone? | ||
| It's also HMO. No HMOs. | ||
| No GMOs. | ||
| It's not homo. | ||
| No HMOs. | ||
| No MSG. No MSG. No GMOs. | ||
| Yeah, it's all super awesome. | ||
| It's just awesome. | ||
| Gluten-free. | ||
| It makes you a better person when you have it in your pocket. | ||
| Yeah, it totally does. | ||
| It doesn't give you cancer like every other phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Nope. | ||
| It actually cures cancer. | ||
| You know Sheryl Crow thinks she got cancer from her phone? | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Sheryl Crow has brain cancer. | ||
| And she attributes it to when she was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, when she was doing that, All I wanna do is have some fun. | ||
| Apparently when she was doing press for that album, like back in the 90s or whatever it was, she had, you know, it was the old school phones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She did hundreds of calls. | ||
| And she did them all with her cell phone. | ||
| Without a... | ||
| No, just holding it up to her head. | ||
| That's what everybody did. | ||
| Nobody had a fucking button. | ||
| Remember those old phones, like a StarTac? | ||
| Those didn't have a thing for a microphone. | ||
| You didn't have a thing that you put on your ear. | ||
| And we liked it! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to StarTac uphill both ways. | |
| But now, everybody has some sort of a headpiece, for the most part. | ||
| I usually use the same earbuds. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Those microphones are good, man. | ||
| Those little Apple ones. | ||
| I've tried a bunch of different things, but it seems like everybody can hear me from those little white Apple ones. | ||
| The best. | ||
| The good ones. | ||
| The best. | ||
| They seem to be... | ||
| Everybody wants the newest... | ||
| But for just being on the phone, those seem to be the best. | ||
| I also think when you have the Bluetooth earpiece, it's always weird me out because it feels like, well, isn't that still a signal? | ||
| Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose? | ||
| You still have something radiating next to your head. | ||
| I've never heard anybody dying from it, but what if it makes you just a little stupider? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That could be already what's happening. | ||
| Well, that's what people worry about, Wi-Fi signals. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how much time you spend in the real wilderness, but this is going to sound totally unscientific and probably ridiculous, but... | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I have a feeling that there's a little something that your body is interacting with when you're in a room that has Wi-Fi, when you're in a town that has radio, there's television signals in the air. | ||
| Everywhere you go, there's cell phone signals. | ||
| There's signals in the air, and they freak out bees. | ||
| Bees have a real hard time with cell phone signals. | ||
| It's a big problem. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of the big problems. | ||
| Pesticides is another one. | ||
| And bats, too. | ||
| Bats are getting all fucked up. | ||
| Bats are getting fucked up, too, because their signals are all like... | ||
| Yeah, they can't track their signals. | ||
| They end up fucking eavesdropping on your call and hitting a fucking bus or something. | ||
| Yeah, maybe if your phone drops off, it's because a bat. | ||
| Every time you drop a call, a bat dies. | ||
| Just think about what's going on in the air. | ||
| There's so much stuff in the air. | ||
| And if you're a bat or a bee, it's like they're having a 24-hour fucking party next door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, all the time. | |
| Like, you live in this awesome neighborhood. | ||
| You grew up there. | ||
| Your family's from there. | ||
| Everybody else's family's from there. | ||
| And in this neighborhood, every time you would open the door, you'd just hear chirp, chirp, chirp. | ||
| You would see fucking butterflies flying. | ||
| And then next door, this fucking death metal band. | ||
| And they rehearsed 24 hours a day. | ||
| Or Zac Efron's frat moves in next door. | ||
| That could be the other one. | ||
| But yeah, and the other part of that too is when you go into a less populated area that doesn't have all these signals, you ever go to lock your car with your little key fob thing? | ||
| And you could do it from like... | ||
| Two blocks away when you're not... | ||
| But when you're in a city, you've got to go next to the door because the signal can't... | ||
| It's always that little sign. | ||
| There's a lot of shit flying around in the air all the time. | ||
| Just to think of that signal. | ||
| What is happening there? | ||
| I'm pressing a button and this little thing flies over and opens... | ||
| And you can start your fucking car with it! | ||
| And you know they have them for cell phones too, right? | ||
| Where you can start your car from... | ||
| Your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| From miles away. | ||
| My car can do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's so ridiculous. | ||
| I can unlock my car. | ||
| Disengage that. | ||
| Dude, disengage that. | ||
| No, but in other words... | ||
| I'm thinking of going old school and getting a car that you need to use a fucking key to open. | ||
| I like a car with a key. | ||
| I need a car with a key. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only problem with a key car is if you're in a parking garage and there's a murderer coming after you, you always drop him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You always... | ||
| You can't ever get him in the hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| My car doesn't have a key hole. | ||
| Like a key hole at all. | ||
| There's no hole. | ||
| There's no hole anywhere on my car. | ||
| But can't you leave your keys? | ||
| I don't think my Porsche has a keyhole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| I don't think it does. | ||
| Yeah, because your car knows when your keys are near it, so it doesn't have a keyhole. | ||
| Yeah, my BMW doesn't even have a key. | ||
| It's just got this thing. | ||
| My car has butt sensors, so if it's someone else's butt, it won't start. | ||
| I think I'm going to go old school. | ||
| I'm just going to try to figure out if I could drive around a 1969 Mustang and not lose my mind. | ||
| Well, out here you can. | ||
| The only problem with those cars, I'm sure you have, driving those old Mustangs, is a lot of them don't have power steering. | ||
| No, those old Mustangs had power steering. | ||
| They're like 63? | ||
| It's shitty steering. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Maybe if you go that far back. | ||
| Because I had a buddy of mine in high school had one of those, man. | ||
| They're fun to drive, but for an everyday car, you want to go park, you're like, shit. | ||
| It'd be good for your arms, though. | ||
| It's like turning a boat. | ||
| It's good to work out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the real issue with those cars is they handle like dog shit. | ||
| You have to figure out someone who can do what they call a pro-touring version of those cars. | ||
| So they take an old car and then they put a more modern suspension on it so you can actually drive it. | ||
| But it's still never going to be like that. | ||
| The new cars, if you hit your brakes, there's anti-lock brakes. | ||
| People forget about locking your brakes up. | ||
| How about, like, the newest cars now have sensors on them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Like, if somebody cuts in front of you, it automatically breaks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of those new cars. | ||
| It's pretty sweet, especially if you like to text and drive, you know? | ||
| You don't even have to fucking look anymore. | ||
| I rented a car, and it swerves you back if you go over the line. | ||
| Like, if you go over the line on the highway, it goes like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoop. | |
| It pulls you back. | ||
| I feel like that takes some getting used to though, right? | ||
| Well, you can shut it off if you want to. | ||
| Yeah, what if it freaks out and just like slams on the brake, you're going like 90 on the freeway and it slams on the brake or it jerks over and you hit it. | ||
| Better yet, what about that Michael Hastings guy, that guy that committed suicide who was going after all these generals and exposed all this crazy shit and was, you know, said to all of his family that he was worried that they were going to try to take him out and then he winds up going down, was it Sunset? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sunset. | |
| Where was it? | ||
| Highland? | ||
| Some major street in LA. He's going 120 miles an hour and slams into a fucking tree. | ||
| Car explodes. | ||
| Engine goes flying. | ||
| Engine flew away from the car like 30 feet. | ||
| Oh, it's a crazy story. | ||
| The conspiracy theorists love this story like no other. | ||
| Because if anybody was ever going to get killed, it was this motherfucker. | ||
| He was going after generals. | ||
| But those are the times where conspiracies make more sense to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because those are closed networks. | ||
| My whole problem with conspiracies is people aren't good at keeping secrets, man. | ||
| So when they're that big, I have a hard time believing. | ||
| You know who's good at it though? | ||
| I don't think the government's that organized. | ||
| But I could see some generals taking it out, motherfucker. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Those industrialist dudes that run everything, they're pretty good at keeping secrets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, when you find out about, like, this new, the Lehman Sachs tapes that just came out. | ||
| Is that Lehman Sachs? | ||
| Goldman Sachs. | ||
| Goldman Sachs tapes that just came out. | ||
| Have you paid any attention to this? | ||
| It's the banker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what the fucking revelations were, but apparently people are freaking out about these new, like, hours of tapes that just came out that just show how they've paid off the regulatory commissions. | ||
| Like, how the whole thing is, like, the bankers, like, established the standards and run the system. | ||
| But there's a legality, there's like a weird loophole where politicians meet. | ||
| This happens with Nancy Pelosi, and everyone kind of just stopped talking about it, but it's like they meet with these stock guys, get all this insider information, and then are still allowed to invest in the companies and fucking make money on it. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's not legal, but it's only legal because it's the people who make the laws. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Those are the issues that really hurt my brain, especially since we get distracted by something else, and then we stop talking about it, and then somehow it just is okay. | ||
| In Bloomberg, this is the article saying, the reporter, Jake Bernstein, has obtained 46 hours of tape recordings made secretly by a Federal Reserve employee of conversations within the Fed and between the Fed and Goldman Sachs. | ||
| They're calling it the Ray Rice video for the financial sector. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is scary shit. | ||
| They don't need to call it that. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| It's a stupid name. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| That's a stupid name for it. | ||
| It's the next Lindsay Lohan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Anthony Wiener pictures of real estate. | |
| Well, the best one of that is when someone talks about a word that's offensive and they'll say, it's our nigger. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like tranny. | ||
| They're using that for tranny. | ||
| They're saying, that's our nigger. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing with that, too. | ||
| There's got to be an update on what's offensive. | ||
| Because stuff changes sometimes, and then you don't know it, and then you say it, and people are like, oh, you can't say that. | ||
| Like, I didn't know. | ||
| Retard's out. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| That's long out. | ||
| It's been out for a couple years. | ||
| A couple years, yeah. | ||
| I stopped. | ||
| I stopped using retard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| I stopped. | ||
| What about bitch? | ||
| Bitch is on its way out. | ||
| But yeah, bitch is, and so is pussy. | ||
| Pussy's on its way. | ||
| Yeah, people don't like... | ||
| Because calling somebody weak, using effeminate expression... | ||
| But when a girl calls a man a pussy, I like it. | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| No, but I also think it's weird. | ||
| I think it would be weird if you... | ||
| In other words, the idea of a bitch or pussy, but it's like, dude, don't be such a pussy, but if... | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| It's like, alright, so that means you're making, by putting a female, you know, making it a gender thing, it makes that women are weaker. | ||
| But then at the same time, how weird would it sound if you made that the other way? | ||
| So, like, pussy was mean you're, like, a badass. | ||
| Like, dude, dude, you don't have a pussy big enough to jump off that fucking ledge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, it doesn't work that way either, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, Darren, your buddy, you're like, dude, how big's your pussy, bro? | ||
| You can do it, the water's cold, you know? | ||
| But you'll tell a girl she's got balls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess I see it, one means brave and one means weak, but at the same time... | ||
| I think we're micromanaging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I really do. | |
| It's also just, some of it's like, I feel like with some of that stuff, I feel like, I don't know, man, I'm cooked. | ||
| Like, that's fine if the next generation... | ||
| Remember your grandparents? | ||
| Like, there's certain fucking things where, like, I don't know. | ||
| Like, I'm not gonna say Asian. | ||
| Like, I'm too old, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's oriental. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Look, we had to change from Chinaman to oriental. | ||
| I don't want to change another time. | ||
| I was with my friend at a fucking diner once, and this guy said something to my friend, like, your kind of people. | ||
| And so I saw my friend sitting there going, I go, what kind of people? | ||
| I asked a question for him. | ||
| And the guy goes, you know, coloreds. | ||
| And he didn't think there was anything wrong with saying COVID because he was like, you know, we were probably like 18 and he was in his 60s. | ||
| Yeah, that was his... | ||
| Well, that still seems weird. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| But he was not being disrespectful. | ||
| Right, of course not. | ||
| He just thought that was the appropriate... | ||
| But that's the thing that does happen. | ||
| It is hard for people to keep up with changes in language because you're just used to... | ||
| I don't know, I grew up saying retard was, you know, and the F word, you know. | ||
| Well, the problem with retarded is retarded is actually, if you think about the word, it's meaning like slow growth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if you tell someone that's a retarded way of looking at something, it's like there's slow growth in the way you look. | ||
| You're going to need to catch the fuck up. | ||
| It's a valid way of saying it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But when you call someone a retard... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that implies that they have, you know... | ||
| Down syndrome. | ||
| Down syndrome or, yeah, some kind of a... | ||
| You know, mental handicap. | ||
| Do you know that used to be mongoloid, like the term that they used to use, mongoloid idiot, is the term they used to use on your birth certificate if you're born with Down syndrome. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, I know, there's books, if you read like anthropological books from like the 1800s, the way they refer to different kinds of people, like, it's frightening. | ||
| Thaddeus Russell was on the podcast last week. | ||
| He's awesome, by the way, I heard that. | ||
| Brilliant guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But did you hear what he was talking about about the Irish? | ||
| The Irish were considered chimpanzees. | ||
| They were less than blacks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that their race was... | ||
| That's the other thing that always is so fascinating to me. | ||
| You guys were talking about that. | ||
| But this idea now that you get... | ||
| And he was talking about it. | ||
| They became cops and this. | ||
| They get assimilated into white culture. | ||
| But there's a whole white that... | ||
| Anyone who traces back to Ellis Island is... | ||
| I'm an Italian Jew. | ||
| That's not really... | ||
| People get, like, I have a lot of, like, Italian, like, Long Island fans, you know, like, who's like, fucking Mexicans coming in, like, that kind of shit. | ||
| And, like, it's like, that's just, they're just the Italians of now, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, the Italians were just the Mexicans of, like, the early 1900s. | ||
| Like, nobody liked them. | ||
| They were pieces of shit. | ||
| They were, like, laborers, all this shit. | ||
| So it's, like, it's weird to think that... | ||
| You're white privilege. | ||
| Yeah, like, it's like, you know, you hear Hannity and these guys going, oh, the way Americans speak. | ||
| Like, dude, you're a fucking Irish guy. | ||
| Like, you're two generations away from just being a piece of shit. | ||
| Like, don't treat those people like a piece of shit. | ||
| Well, not only that, you came directly from immigration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 100% directly from savages. | ||
| And you're, like, succeeding in this country in the way your great-grandparents dreamed you would. | ||
| Not even dreamed. | ||
| You know, their wildest ways. | ||
| Right, their wildest ways, yeah. | ||
| And so it's always astonishing to me when it's like, oh, no. | ||
| You're anti-immigration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that? | ||
| Yeah, they're anti-immigration! | ||
| And look, again, illegal immigration is a different argument, but there is a tendency to be waiting on line at the nightclub, and then you get in, and you're like, look, are you going to let those assholes in? | ||
| You look back at the line, and you're like, dude, you just got in the fucking club! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, I think if people could fly around, it would be even more ridiculous to not have immigration. | ||
| Because if people could fly around, if we all had flying cars, and you could just go across the border left and right, there would be no one to stop you. | ||
| Because you could just go anywhere you want. | ||
| Unless they figured out a way to grid up the sky, where they could block you and do a traffic stop in the sky above Mexico. | ||
| But if they couldn't do that... | ||
| How the fuck are you ever going to tell people where they can go or not go? | ||
| They're going to go where the work is. | ||
| Where's the jobs? | ||
| The jobs are in America. | ||
| They would go to America, and then America would overrun, and people would start slowly trickling back into Mexico and reestablishing communities, and it would even out eventually. | ||
| But if they don't do that, it's almost never going to even out. | ||
| People are like, ah, Mexicos need to get their shit together on their own. | ||
| Part of the reason why their shit is fucked up is because they're connected to the great barbarians of history. | ||
| Like, they are the border. | ||
| They're next door to the greatest war machine the planet Earth and the human race has ever known. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they're feeding it cocaine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, I mean, that's what they're doing. | ||
| But at the same time, you know, but if you look at, like, Canada... | ||
| Right? | ||
| We don't have the same issue in the North. | ||
| No, we don't. | ||
| There is something to be said about what life is like for Mexicans in Mexico. | ||
| You're talking about $35,000 being the 1%. | ||
| And that life in that country, in a lot of ways, is not a good life. | ||
| Well, isn't that similar in the way you can analyze it, though, to, say, Compton? | ||
| I mean, look at that. | ||
| Compton is a part of LA, and so is Beverly Hills. | ||
| And they're all connected to each other. | ||
| They're all right, but one of them is way the fuck over there, and that's considered Compton. | ||
| And this is this terrible, impoverished community. | ||
| And then right over here, we have Beverly Hills. | ||
| And you could get lucky and be born in Beverly Hills to a family that lives in a gated community and takes you to a private school, and everything's fucking smooth sailing. | ||
| Or you get the shit end of the stick, and a single mom in Compton who's on welfare gives birth to you in a crime-ridden household in a terrible neighborhood filled with gang violence. | ||
| Both of those, I mean, the idea of a border protecting you from anything that's happening in Canada or anything that's happening in Mexico evades. | ||
| Ultimately, it seems kind of silly. | ||
| At some point in time, it seems crazy that a person has a chance or doesn't have a chance based on which patch of dirt they just got shit out on. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| The bottom line is that's just living in modern society. | ||
| We have to have some rules. | ||
| My thought is we do have poor people. | ||
| That's what we were talking about, about people needing help. | ||
| It gets complicated in America because you want to help people, but then you start going, Well, we want to help people, but we don't want to have a system where people are like, fuck it, I don't need to work, I'm getting this sweet. | ||
| Because that's a whole other problem. | ||
| That's a huge problem. | ||
| And then it's also like, well, I work really hard, and I'm giving a lot of my money back to the government, and I don't really have much of a say in how they manage that money, and I don't think they do a very good job of it, which I think anyone would say. | ||
| But then at the same time, somebody... | ||
| So now you're going to have that whole argument about people who live here and are born here and what rights they have by being born here. | ||
| All it is is like, I was literally born here, but you've got to make a rule somewhere. | ||
| Think about how radical a proposal would be if a presidential candidate or someone got on television and had a detailed, outlined idea of how they want to improve inner cities. | ||
| And one of them, it starts with re-educating the adults in the community. | ||
| I mean, people would be like, what the fuck? | ||
| But if they don't do that, anything else you do... | ||
| If you add money, and if you give people money for nothing, you can call it whatever, reparations, you could call it welfare, depending on what race you're talking about. | ||
| Just giving impoverished people money, white people included. | ||
| People who are poor, live in fuck-up areas. | ||
| You give them opportunities, you give them money, you give them education. | ||
| If you don't do something about the mindset of the adults, nothing's going to change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they're still going to abuse their kids. | ||
| They're still going to have terrible ideas of the world. | ||
| A big part of these communities is not just the financial strife. | ||
| It's also that you're stuck with a bunch of fucking dummies. | ||
| Yeah, but at the same time, it's a culture that has been an abused culture in this country for a long time. | ||
| It certainly has, but what about the white folks that are poor, too? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're in a trailer park in West Virginia, that's just as bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You ever see the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Fucking wild-ass documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you seen that? | ||
| I've seen clips of it. | ||
| I've never seen the whole thing. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| I'll put it on my list. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But these people, I mean, you might as well be black in the South. | ||
| You might as well be in a poor neighborhood in Compton or Watts. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| You got born into this neighborhood with a bunch of criminals. | ||
| That's not the problem, but that's the complication with the system that's like... | ||
| Where people go, oh, look, this country, you know, you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you work your ass off. | ||
| But it's like, hold on a minute, like, my bootstraps were pretty fucking high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Out of the gate. | ||
| Like, they were barely, they were already at my knees when I was born, you know? | ||
| And I wasn't born rich, but I was born like a, you know, I came from Italian Jews, like, working class people, hardworking people, but I was able to go to college. | ||
| I was able to, like, do an internship for, like, a Dave Letterman for a summer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You don't get opportunities like that if you need to fucking have a job and shit. | ||
| You know that expression, born on third and thinking you hit a triple? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| And I'm saying, I think that the people... | ||
| I don't have guilt about it because I think the people that worked before me worked... | ||
| And I knew my grandfathers very well. | ||
| Those guys were like stealing coal off of trucks to keep warm kind of dudes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they worked their ass off so that everyone could do better. | ||
| And now I'm that next generation who's been given a lot because of their hard work. | ||
| I appreciate it on all levels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| Definitely easier for me to do comedy as a career. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| But if you could do it, okay, you spent all these years working for The Daily Show, and there's a lot of political thinking involved in that kind of a job. | ||
| If you could fix it, what would you do? | ||
| I mean, if someone said, all right, President Rory, you have all this money to allocate. | ||
| President Rory. | ||
| Take all that marijuana sales. | ||
| Well, on the president, the first thing I do is, I want a lobster sandwich! | ||
| You know, I just start ordering food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cold or warm? | |
| You can get anything you want anytime, right? | ||
| I don't think you can. | ||
| Nothing sexual. | ||
| Oh, well, nothing sexual. | ||
| Nobody can keep their mouth shut anymore. | ||
| I mean, the guy's running the free world. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Once he gets a robot fuck doll, everyone's going to shut their mouth. | ||
| I don't think the president should be allowed to have the robot fuck doll. | ||
| He should love Mrs. Obama. | ||
| She's a wonderful woman. | ||
| I would be so happy if she was mine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Man, I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, I wish I don't have the capacity to have an answer. | ||
| But isn't that a part of the problem? | ||
| That's a part of the problem, is that everybody has this complaint that we need to make the poor rich or help them out. | ||
| Oh, I don't think we need to make the poor rich. | ||
| I'm not even saying that. | ||
| I'm just saying everybody has this complaint that there's a disparity in wealth. | ||
| Everybody has this complaint that the people that are in the minorities, that are in poor neighborhoods, crime-ridden, they don't have a chance. | ||
| And you're right, but what the fuck can be done? | ||
| Well, you know, I don't think there's such a thing as a society where nobody's poor, except for, like, Norway, or, like, those weird, like, Nordic countries where people, I don't know, somehow are all rich and look the same. | ||
| Well, that's just because there hasn't been a society. | ||
| It doesn't mean it's not possible. | ||
| But I do think, like, George Carlin used to have a thing where he would talk about poverty, and we'd go, like, this is how the world works. | ||
| You know, there's... | ||
| There's rich people who do none of the work, make all the money. | ||
| Then there's the middle class who do all the work, make a little bit of the money. | ||
| And then there's the poor to scare the shit out of the middle class so they keep showing up to their jobs every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's smart. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it's like the system needs to function in some capacity. | ||
| So there's always going to be poor people. | ||
| And I do believe that in a lot of cases... | ||
| Richer people in this country, some of them were born privileged, but somebody along the way was shrewd, somebody was smart, and a lot of times it was just screwing people over. | ||
| I mean, if you look at all the tycoons of the industrial age and all those guys, they fucked over a lot of people to get really rich. | ||
| And also, I don't know, a lot of times the people who got here first have all the money, like the real wealth in this country, like the waspy wealth, it's like that's Plymouth Rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like Folgers. | ||
| Like, those guys came over on the boat, on the Mayflower, and were like, I'll be the coffee guy! | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it's like, that's it. | ||
| No one named Folgers has worked again, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So it's like, they were just calling shit. | ||
| Well, that's the ultimate, you know, spoon in your mouth. | ||
| That's the ultimate privilege and luck, is being a part of some oligarch family. | ||
| Did you ever see that Jamie Johnson made that movie called Born Rich a couple years ago for HBO? He's in the Johnson& Johnson era. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| It's called Born Rich? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a documentary? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| He shot it on video, but it's very good, and it's all about the weird struggle that these kids have who are not rich. | ||
| Get a job, Rich. | ||
| Like, you don't ever have to do anything ever again. | ||
| And I think he got sued, actually, by the Vanderbilt kid. | ||
| Not Vanderbilt, Carnegie. | ||
| One of the Carnegie kids who he was friends with growing up. | ||
| Because he was friends with Vanderbilt, Carnegie. | ||
| And this kid's telling a story about how he was with his grandfather. | ||
| of Grand Central Station. | ||
| And he goes, this is yours. | ||
| And he's like, what is? | ||
| And he's like, this station, Grand Central, you own it. | ||
| That Carnegie family, like Grand Central. | ||
| And in front of Carnegie Hall, well, not just Carnegie Hall, but in front of Grand Central Station, there's a, oh no, Vanderbilt is who owns Grand Central Station. | ||
| In front of it, there's a big statue still. | ||
| There's a big bronze statue of Cornelius Vanderbilt, who is like his great-grandfather. | ||
| And he gave New York Grand Central Station. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Rockefeller gave New York the Palisade Cliffs. | ||
| He was like, you can have these, but you can't build on them. | ||
| I like the look of the cliffs. | ||
| Most of New York was just gifted by rich dudes. | ||
| Put my name on it! | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty crazy. | ||
| So these kids are the heirs of those guys. | ||
| And they're pretty fucked up. | ||
| And Jamie Johnson's dad... | ||
| You imagine he's running Johnson& Johnson. | ||
| You think he's probably going there every day with a suit and tie on and be like, we need more Q-tips. | ||
| They're too hard. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's sitting in his fucking garage painting. | ||
| He's never worked a day in his life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It must be hard to feel confident. | ||
| Well, that's the whole point of the movie. | ||
| They have no direction in life. | ||
| They have no sense of purpose. | ||
| Now, most people go, fuck that. | ||
| I'd find a direction in life with a billion dollars. | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| There is something about working, feeling like you have a... | ||
| Well, there's something about developing your personality. | ||
| I mean, you have to develop your personality. | ||
| Your character gets developed through adversity, overcoming adversity, lessons learned. | ||
| If there's no lessons learned, there's no wisdom. | ||
| If you haven't experienced anything difficult or pulled anything off, you're not going to have confidence. | ||
| You're not going to have the confidence you can do. | ||
| You might have some cocaine-fueled, ridiculous confidence. | ||
| You can be the fucking king of the world. | ||
| But it's not, you know, it's not reality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I have a friend who has a friend. | ||
| I don't know the guy very well. | ||
| I've had conversations with him. | ||
| But he was a part of some insanely large family that has billions of dollars. | ||
| They own, like, half of, like, they have a stretch of buildings in Malibu on the beach. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| Where they started buying up the neighbor's buildings because they didn't want anyone next to them. | ||
| So they would just, like, the neighbor was selling their house for $24 million and just snatched it up. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Just so they could have the neighbor's house, too. | ||
| They just own the houses around. | ||
| They have billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| He had a trust fund, burned through it. | ||
| Had a backup trust fund, burned through that. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| I don't even know how. | ||
| He's like, in his late 40s, he's just a disaster. | ||
| Degenerate disaster. | ||
| Disaster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a disaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| And everyone, you know, they would feel, you know, when are you going to get your shit together, sir? | ||
| You know, it's never going to happen. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| And he was having a conversation with my friend, and he said, if whatever you do, because she has kids, he said, whatever you do, do not let your kids have money. | ||
| Don't give them any money. | ||
| Make them, like, he was acutely aware of his own failings because he was born to this billion, billion dollar empire. | ||
| Yeah, just had no confidence. | ||
| He's just not a man. | ||
| When you're around him, he's just got no confidence. | ||
| He's got nothing. | ||
| He didn't do anything. | ||
| No grit. | ||
| There's no grit. | ||
| He's never been a piece of shit to anybody. | ||
| And it's not to say that someone who's born in that same scenario couldn't have found... | ||
| You know, at painting or music or become, like, successful at something they do on their own or decided, you know, I'm not going to touch that money or I'm going to donate that money to charity. | ||
| I recognize the pitfalls of this scenario, so I want to be something different other than, you know, with this map that's sort of leading me to go into a certain direction. | ||
| Well, you could also... | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| Yeah, you could also... | ||
| I mean, we were originally talking about how hard it is to be poor, now we're talking about how hard it is to be rich. | ||
| It's much more ridiculous. | ||
| I would also say that, like, if you really fucking wanted a man up, like, then fucking go live for a year with, you know, $50,000 in a bank account and go live somewhere in the country and try to survive. | ||
| Like, fucking test yourself. | ||
| But that's not even real, though, because they know they can always go back at the end of this week. | ||
| Well, as soon as this year's up, I'm killing Vietnamese people. | ||
| I'm sure there are rich people who have found a way to fucking give back or do something in life besides feel bad about the fact that they can just do whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| Well, the fucking virgin guy, Richard Branson, famous for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he made all of his money himself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you made all your money yourself, it's a little different. | ||
| A lot different. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Branson. | ||
| But Richard Branson, Streeter Seidel is a really funny comic and writer. | ||
| He just got a job at SNL, but he did a thing on that show I worked on with Neil Brennan this summer where he was talking about Richard Branson is his favorite rich guy because he does all the things. | ||
| You said you would do if you were a rich guy when you were a kid. | ||
| Like, I'm in a hot air balloon around the world! | ||
| He's like, I'm going to build a spaceship! | ||
| You're like, okay, like Richard Franson. | ||
| Would you ride that fucking spaceship that's like 100 grand? | ||
| I would ride it like 10 years in. | ||
| Once I know it blew up a couple times and they fixed it. | ||
| Dude, the first time it blows up, that's going to be a tough sell for tickets after that, motherfucker. | ||
| It takes a hit. | ||
| If it blows up, it takes a hit. | ||
| But yeah, if it doesn't blow up, I would do it. | ||
| I just wouldn't want to be on the first mission. | ||
| Although the first mission may be the best one. | ||
| Maybe the only one. | ||
| The only one, yeah. | ||
| Well, what scares me more than that is the people that are willing to sign up to go to Mars. | ||
| There's more than 100,000 people that are willing to sign up for the one-way trip to Mars. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| I would say on that list, though, if you started weeding out through those people, there's probably like 10 people you'd want to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At least. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| 100,000? | ||
| You know how many fucking drunk people are like, I'll do it. | ||
| I'll go to Mars. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think you have to really look over the applicants, make sure that something, I mean, if a guy's a roofer and wants to go to Mars, go, hey bro, there's not going to be any roofs. | ||
| Well, we're going to need roofs. | ||
| We're going to need roofs. | ||
| I'm real good at working. | ||
| That's like another really funny thing. | ||
| This guy I used to work with told me about that movie Armageddon to bring it up again. | ||
| But the premise of that movie is it's easier to train oil drillers to be astronauts than it is to train astronauts to drill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| That's funny. | ||
| It's like, you know what we can do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't we just treat these astronauts with, you know, just teach them how to use a drill? | |
| Nah. | ||
| Those movies have a special place in my heart, too, because that's where, like, Aerosmith started doing ballads. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking so funny. | ||
| That shit's so funny. | ||
| You guys were on back in the saddle again. | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| I'm back in the saddle again. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| They couldn't help it. | ||
| What's going on with this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is this song making me develop estrogen? | |
| I'll be there. | ||
| Yeah, all those! | ||
| There's a couple of those. | ||
| There's a few of those that just make you go, you guys were the shit. | ||
| Yeah, that happens. | ||
| Plus, I grew up in Boston, so Aerosmith was fucking everything. | ||
| I went to school in Boston. | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
| Bob B.U. | ||
| They had a band that they used to pretend... | ||
| They used to go to like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| Mama Kin was their place. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| They used to show every now and then, you'd hear fucking Aerosmith came by last night, and they'd be on the list as like Lizard Feet or whatever. | ||
| They'd make up some band name, and then... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| I never had the experience of seeing him. | ||
| I'm friends with Joe Perry. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| I go back and forth with him. | ||
| I send text messages to Joe Perry. | ||
| That's very cool. | ||
| And I'm like, this is the craziest shit ever. | ||
| I once had the coolest thing. | ||
| About to text message Joe Perry. | ||
| That's fucking cool. | ||
| I once went... | ||
| Not as cool as that, but I once used to... | ||
| The Daily Show is a global edition, so I used to produce this, and I would go to Sony Music. | ||
| It was our edit base. | ||
| So tons of musicians would be recording albums. | ||
| And I mean like... | ||
| Jimmy Page, like, Robert Plant was singing there one day, like, all sorts of crazy shit, and I would hear it and whatever. | ||
| So one day I'm there doing this edit for the show, and I was like, you know, in this dark edit room, and I go to take a piss in the, just the Sony bathroom, and I hear like, and it's fucking Steven Tyler taking a, not, yeah, it's taking a piss in like green lizard pants, like leopard pants, you know, whatever, like super tight, like flowy shirt, and I guess that he was warming up his voice, but it was so, you know, it's like the tile, it's a bathroom, so he's just leaning in the yard, like, And I was like, this is the coolest! | ||
| And I peed up next to him like, what's up, man? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, that was like my big Aerosmith experience. | ||
| I was like, I heard Steven Tyler warming up his pipes in a urinal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's so weird when you meet a guy. | ||
| I saw Paul McCartney one night at the improv. | ||
| I didn't get a chance to meet him, but just seeing him. | ||
| Did he see you do stand-up? | ||
| Yeah, he was in the audience. | ||
| It was nerve-wracking. | ||
| Our audience warm-up guy once didn't show up to The Daily Show or was late. | ||
| Awesome comic, great warm-up guy, but was late. | ||
| So every now and then I would do warm-up. | ||
| If it was an emergency situation, I'd just go out and do warm-up for the crowd. | ||
| And I did it one night when Springsteen was there in the crowd. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he was sitting off to my right with his son, Evan, who's a great dude I know, and a couple of Evan's buddies. | ||
| And he'd just put on a hat, sit in the crowd, love the show, super cool. | ||
| All the legends of Springsteen shit you hear. | ||
| So I do warm-up for the crowd. | ||
| And then afterwards, I saw him, you know, he was talking to John after the show, and I, like, went in to tell John something, like, I, like, made something up. | ||
| I was like, I have to tell John this thing, because I, like, wanted to fucking meet Springsteen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's like, oh, right, man! | ||
| He's like, that was awesome! | ||
| I'm like, really? | ||
| You know? | ||
| So I always joke around with people. | ||
| I'm like, well, you know, Springsteen and I are mutual fans of each other. | ||
| I mean, he saw me yell at the lady in the fur coat, and I think he knows what I'm capable of, you know? | ||
| I mean, that was, to me, the coolest. | ||
| I really said it. | ||
| Like, if I died the next day, I told my family, I go, just so you know, if I happen to die soon, I'm cool. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, it was pretty cool, man. | ||
| I had to hear him laughing over my... | ||
| And he said something like, I thought you were going to come after us. | ||
| We're all wearing, like, you know, flannel shirts. | ||
| I'm like, I was just trying to pretend you weren't there, Mr. Springsteen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No thanks, Mr. S. Very cool, though. | ||
| When you meet somebody who you like on that level, where you're like, holy shit, I listen to your music, and it's pretty exciting. | ||
| The biggest one for me ever was Gene Simmons came to see one of my shows. | ||
| Gene Simmons brought his family, his son and his wife. | ||
| That's cool as shit. | ||
| It was a New Year's show, too. | ||
| Did he come up and talk to you afterwards? | ||
| Yeah, dude, I was nervous as fuck. | ||
| I had to address it. | ||
| I was a huge Kiss fan when I was a kid. | ||
| I mean, huge. | ||
| It was everything. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I didn't even like other bands. | ||
| I just liked KISS. That's crazy. | ||
| From when I was like 11 years old. | ||
| I didn't like other music. | ||
| I was such a ridiculous KISS fan. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, so that scared the shit out of me. | ||
| But Paul McCartney, for some reason, made me even more nervous. | ||
| Yeah, I find that working in entertainment, musicians and athletes are the two groups that I get really nervous around. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure, of course you have. | ||
| You work in the UFC, but it's like meeting a professional athlete. | ||
| And you see their physicality, especially when they're currently playing the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you go, oh, so cool, dude. | |
| Are you playing on Sunday? | ||
| I'm like a little kid, even though I'm older at this point than professional athletes, which is one of the harder things about watching sports for me now. | ||
| I remember in the Rangers playoffs, someone would get on the ice and be like, look at this 35-year-old who can still tie his skates. | ||
| You're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, they're like, can you believe old man knee buckles? | |
| I'm like, I'm 37, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| How old am I? Like, you know, I'm retired now as an athlete. | ||
| That's why it's weird when you see Bernard Hopkins. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is 49 years old. | ||
| He's a light heavyweight champion of the world. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And beating young guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Like, really good guys. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he's incredible. | ||
| But you know what I mean by that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about what they do that is so beyond my comprehension. | ||
| Yeah, can you imagine you'd be on the court with Michael Jordan as he's fucking slam dunking? | ||
| You'd see him leaping from the three-point line, flying through the air. | ||
| You'd be like, what? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It was an honor to get dunked on by you, Mr. Jordan. | ||
| Just to be there. | ||
| I mean, I don't even mean playing against him. | ||
| I mean, standing there while he does it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's absolutely crazy. | ||
| Just to realize the different level of athleticism is that they're superhumans. | ||
| Yeah, I have that. | ||
| Like, if they gave you a pill, and all of a sudden you could do it with Michael Jordan, you'd be like, you've got a superhuman body, like you're Spider-Man or something. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, that's the thing, too, is like, when people talk about, oh, comedy, like, why'd you want to do comedy? | ||
| I was like, I don't know, it was kind of funny growing up, and I was like, if I could make a living doing this, that'd be cool, but if I was good at baseball, fuck, dude, I'd... | ||
| Sure as hell wish I was. | ||
| You'd be the funny guy in the locker room. | ||
| No, I wouldn't even be the funny guy. | ||
| Maybe I would just be good at baseball. | ||
| In other words, that would be cool. | ||
| I would definitely want to do something like that if I was given any physical gifts whatsoever. | ||
| Did you play any sports growing up? | ||
| Yeah, I played soccer and stuff, but I was never... | ||
| I just never cared. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I was definitely the wise-ass. | ||
| I got in trouble a lot in high school on the soccer team. | ||
| My coach would be like, Albany, shut the fuck up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| And I would get a little bit of playing time if we were winning or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I was good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sports just weren't something I loved to do. | ||
| I wasn't into them. | ||
| I liked watching them, I guess, but I was never a kid. | ||
| Did you kind of always know you wanted to be a comic? | ||
| Yeah, I always knew I wanted to be a comic. | ||
| At what year would you like? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| It was just the kind of thing where, I don't know, I remember being a kid and being funny and just being in school. | ||
| And John Oliver and I used to talk about this all the time, because he and I were a month apart in age, and he grew up in England, but having these weird parallel life experiences across the pond from each other, where we were talking about being in school and a teacher Saying something that was a perfect setup for a joke. | ||
| And you knew if you yelled out the punchline, it would crush. | ||
| But you also knew you would get in trouble. | ||
| And it was like no doubt in your mind. | ||
| Like, I'm going with the punchline. | ||
| Fucking no decision to be made. | ||
| Yeah, go to the principal. | ||
| No matter. | ||
| That fucking killed me. | ||
| Do you remember like a great one? | ||
| From school? | ||
| Do you have one where you said something to a teacher and you're like, oh shit. | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| I mean, I used to do stupid shit in Spanish class. | ||
| A teacher would call on me for the definition of a word and I would just... | ||
| You know, like, suck car. | ||
| I had one. | ||
| She called my mom about this, my Spanish teacher. | ||
| Suck car. | ||
| She was like, you know, go around the room and point and say a word. | ||
| We have to use it in a sentence. | ||
| She pointed at me. | ||
| She said, Rory, suck car. | ||
| And I was like, after school, I have suck car practice. | ||
| And it was like, cute laugh, fucking principal's office, you know? | ||
| Why would she send you to the principal's office? | ||
| I was like, where's that? | ||
| It was that kind of shit. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| That's funny, man. | ||
| And then, like, a call home to my mom. | ||
| Like, he's disruptive. | ||
| And my mom being, you know. | ||
| But... | ||
| He was funny, but it's disruptive. | ||
| I have what could be construed as a racist one from high school. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| I had this black math teacher who was really aggressive. | ||
| In her defense, we were terrible students, and nobody was paying attention. | ||
| Yeah, I was a dick. | ||
| But she was aggressive with the way she would communicate. | ||
| It wasn't fun. | ||
| This is the example. | ||
| For whatever reason, she decided to... | ||
| She goes... | ||
| She was doing something on the board, explaining some problem. | ||
| And then I was talking. | ||
| And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these problems for the class? | ||
| And I said, would you like me to do both of those problems? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And she kicked me out for that. | ||
| But I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| That is exactly how you said it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you said it. | ||
| What did I do wrong? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's explain. | ||
| What are you doing wrong? | ||
| You're a math teacher who doesn't speak English right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they kicked me out, and everyone was howling. | ||
| They were fucking howling. | ||
| That was the only laugh I got in all of high school. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That wasn't funny at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| But I was easily annoyed. | ||
| How'd you end up wanting to do comedy, though? | ||
| Because it's such like a self-loathing kind of an activity. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different path. | ||
| And you are an athlete. | ||
| You are good at athletics, you know? | ||
| Like, what... | ||
| Well, my fear came from a different place. | ||
| I mean, everybody has, like, a certain fear, you know, that, like, leads you into comedy. | ||
| There's always a bunch of factors. | ||
| Like, there's one, there's the being ignored as a child. | ||
| That's always a key factor. | ||
| And then the fear. | ||
| And for some comics, it's like the insecurity is what leads you to, like, it propels you to get past the fear of going on and doing public speaking and the whole idea behind it. | ||
| But my fear was, like, actual physical violence that I was involved in fighting from the time I was 15 to 21. So I was scared all the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was always terrified. | ||
| Before I retired from competing, my life was a series of getting ramped up for competitions, getting through them, relaxing for a day or a couple hours, and then being terrified of the next one. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So all that fear led me to have a gallows humor. | ||
| I was the guy that would be on a bus going to a tournament, and I would be cracking everybody up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But it was just because I was terrified. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's how I got into it. | ||
| But I never was funny in high school. | ||
| I just had to say this because this chick was a cunt. | ||
| And this is the best part about it. | ||
| By the way, good call not saying that. | ||
| She goes, go ahead and laugh because Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| So you can't say that. | ||
| You're teaching a class. | ||
| You can't say you're going nowhere in life. | ||
| You're a shitty role model. | ||
| You're a shitty person to be instructing a class. | ||
| If you speak badly, and I mock you speaking badly, and you kick me out of the class, that's just saying that I got you. | ||
| I remember getting in trouble for stuff like that. | ||
| I had one where... | ||
| I used to wear a hat to school every day. | ||
| That was like a big thing when I was in- Baseball hat? | ||
| Yeah, like a baseball cap. | ||
| Not like a fedora like you thought you were Sinatra? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| God, no. | ||
| By the way, I wish I had the balls to wear in the fedora. | ||
| I had to wear what everyone else was wearing. | ||
| That's the nectar of the gods, baby! | ||
| Yeah, but remember like starter game hats? | ||
| That was like a big thing, and you'd like curl the shit out. | ||
| I still do it with my hats. | ||
| I curl them around so much. | ||
| Yeah, you got it. | ||
| But now everybody wears them flat. | ||
| I'm not that cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not into flat. | |
| I can't do flat. | ||
| It seems silly. | ||
| So one day, a friend of mine, this girl, this black girl at school, had a hair weave, you know, like she had hair weaved in, and she was playing with it, and like, I was talking or whatever, and I pulled one out. | ||
| I was just like, fuck around with her or whatever, and I had it, so she was laughing, so I put it under my hat and put my hat on. | ||
| So I had like Pais, like a Hasidic Jew. | ||
| And then I just walked around school. | ||
| You know, people thought it was funny. | ||
| Like I was the idiot wearing Pais out of my hat that was from like this girl's hair weave. | ||
| And she thought it was funny. | ||
| We all thought it was funny. | ||
| But then the fucking librarian at my school saw me and fucking... | ||
| Annihilated me. | ||
| Because she thought I was being racist, culturally, anti-Semitic. | ||
| She went on a list and I was like, I'm a Jew. | ||
| And the girl, she gave it to me. | ||
| Not only that. | ||
| I was just trying to be funny. | ||
| But those kind of things, I would get in trouble for. | ||
| But see, that's ridiculous. | ||
| You shouldn't get in trouble for that at all. | ||
| That's an asshole teacher. | ||
| Yeah, but that was the librarian. | ||
| But she wants to snuff all the fucking humor out of the world. | ||
| Yeah, and it's one of those things where you're like, oh yeah, I was just getting some laughs between class. | ||
| And I was like, no, I was like a big... | ||
| That was, again, like... | ||
| What were we talking about earlier? | ||
| About the oversensitivity of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And that it's a huge issue in universities now. | ||
| It's a gigantic issue. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's unrealistic oversensitivity that's not based on intent. | ||
| It's based on demonizing words or ideas. | ||
| But there's also what's weird about it. | ||
| I think about this all the time. | ||
| It's like the left... | ||
| Everyone wants everyone to be the same. | ||
| Like, that's the goal, right? | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| It doesn't matter that he's black or that he's this. | ||
| It's like, we're all just people. | ||
| We're all just this. | ||
| But it's like, that's what... | ||
| When you start to homogenize things that way, that's what's starting to happen with corporations. | ||
| They're doing the same thing. | ||
| Where it's like, you go to a town. | ||
| There's no restaurants. | ||
| There's Applebee's. | ||
| And there's like... | ||
| We're making everything the same. | ||
| And there is a weird part of that where one thing that's nice about different cultures and hanging out with different people is that's why I love being a stand-up. | ||
| If I hang out with Latino comics, then they're ripping on me for being a white Jewish guy, and I'm ripping on them for being Latino. | ||
| I don't know, but it's never racist. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| It's not racist to have fucking hair. | ||
| If you decide to put... | ||
| How can she get... | ||
| She can have a hair weave, but you can't have a hair weave? | ||
| What if you decided to wear your hair long? | ||
| And she said it was because I made pace out of it. | ||
| Like I was making fun of Jews. | ||
| And I was like, no, I am a Jew. | ||
| She's like, you're not that kind of Jew. | ||
| I was like, ah. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| She's telling you what kind of Jew you can make fun of? | ||
| You know, look, when you're 17, you're just like, oh, whatever. | ||
| That's like if I started wearing a tank top with spaghetti stains on it. | ||
| They'd be like, you're not that kind of Italian. | ||
| Now I am. | ||
| You could pull off a spaghetti stain tank top. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| You can't wear hair weaves. | ||
| I mean, look, dude, this is 20 years ago, so, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Look, I'll tell you right now, if it was now, it would be like on Fox News, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It would be like a national... | ||
| But, dude, you went to school, like, when it was... | ||
| Fuck, man, people used to get... | ||
| I'm older than you, though, and when I went to school, it was less of an issue. | ||
| But did you ever, like, you grew up in a time where, like, a coach would, like, slap you on the ass if you did a good job, like that kind of shit? | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't do any of that kind of stuff. | ||
| You can't fuck the kids. | ||
| That is the shame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to blow so many teachers. | |
| Yeah, there's a lot of things you can't do. | ||
| But you know what I mean, though? | ||
| Like, you know, like, there is a weird... | ||
| You never thought about it. | ||
| It was never, like, a... | ||
| Don't you think, though, that's, like, evidence of evolution? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| In some ways. | ||
| In some ways, I think that we're getting... | ||
| We get hung up. | ||
| I think people get hung up on... | ||
| As much as I think it's evidence of evolution, I think there's a lot of people. | ||
| Like you just said, you had someone on the show who believes Adam and Eve's a real story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| And that's a big problem when we're talking about how do you solve these issues. | ||
| He's a nice guy, other than that. | ||
| Sure he is. | ||
| And not even a dumb guy, which is really weird. | ||
| But when you talk about solving issues, I think in this country particularly, we've run into... | ||
| Oh, man, how do we fix this? | ||
| And then you get the left going, well, we're going to give them all money. | ||
| And you're like, oh, slow down. | ||
| Let's not get carried away, but give them all the money. | ||
| Like, let's just figure out what, you know. | ||
| That's our very hotel. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Slow down, partner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly, yeah. | |
| Hey, there, pump the brakes here. | ||
| Oh, pull in the money truck, put in the town. | ||
| Yeah, but then the other side, or the real extreme other side, the really religious side, Is like, not just, you know, kneel and whisper into your hands. | ||
| Like, that'll solve it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And you're like, oh wait, that's not an idea. | ||
| That's just a make-believe thing. | ||
| Did you hear about the plane situation? | ||
| Where they were going to El Al, going to Israel? | ||
| Fuck, and they wouldn't sit next to women? | ||
| Yeah, these severe, super-orthodox... | ||
| I mean, talk about, like... | ||
| The reality of religion, Judaism, Christianity. | ||
| They're all kooks. | ||
| They're all really abusive to women, man. | ||
| That stuff's pretty crazy. | ||
| Well, Islam and Judaism, they're ancient, man. | ||
| Not only ancient, but they're so... | ||
| And I don't know enough about this. | ||
| This is something I'm talking about wanting to write a bit that I've got to work on and find all the... | ||
| But there's a lot of stuff about them that are similar. | ||
| They don't eat pork. | ||
| One's called kosher. | ||
| One's called halal. | ||
| They both speak this ancient, guttural, desert language with these weird alphabets. | ||
| A lot of beards. | ||
| Cover up your women. | ||
| And you start going like, is there a chance that you guys are all... | ||
| You know, maybe the Quran. | ||
| I think there's five books and five books. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| And it's like, is there a chance that maybe one guy heard it wrong? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're both telling the same story here. | ||
| Maybe you don't hate each other as much as you think you do. | ||
| Well, the crazy thing is they look alike. | ||
| Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| They look very similar. | ||
| But there is a component to that where you start to just go like... | ||
| Look, we've got to give everybody the proper respect, proper respect, proper respect, but I have a very difficult time accepting the fact that I fucking spent money to fly to Israel on a plane and there's a fucking dude standing next to me praying the entire flight. | ||
| 11 hours. | ||
| Not okay with that! | ||
| This is not your fucking house, dude. | ||
| This is a public space. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's just not okay. | ||
| They paid for the flights. | ||
| They bought their tickets in advance. | ||
| They knew they weren't going to be sitting next to only men. | ||
| But it's like, there's another photo that I'll link on that article you're about to read that I saw the other day. | ||
| There's a guy wrapped in plastic. | ||
| A Jewish guy wrapped in a big thing of plastic, like a dry-cleaning bag. | ||
| There it is! | ||
|
unidentified
|
See him? | |
| Because he can't be with women. | ||
| No, because he can't fly over a cemetery because he's a Kohane, which is the ancient Jewish tribe of elders and leaders. | ||
| That's like the name Cohen. | ||
| People are named Cohen. | ||
| That's like Jews. | ||
| That's Kohane. | ||
| That's like you're from the ancient Jewish king. | ||
| And you're so special. | ||
| You're double chosen. | ||
| So he couldn't fly over a fucking cemetery, so he wrapped himself in plastic because some fucking rabbi was like, no, just wrap yourself in plastic. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's okay? | ||
| That's the loophole? | ||
| How about the loophole is like, hold your breath? | ||
| How do they have a fucking law about flying over cemeteries? | ||
| You can't go near a cemetery, so theoretically I guess if you can't... | ||
| 30,000 feet is not far enough away? | ||
| Listen, hey look, and you would think you're so close to God in the clouds that you could just say to him, hey dude, is this cool? | ||
| But how is a plastic bag going to protect you but your clothes won't? | ||
| Well, look, a plastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so crazy. | |
| That was my favorite part about it. | ||
| That's my favorite thing about religion. | ||
| I talk about my stand-up sometimes. | ||
| With Judaism, some of the ideas that were good ideas, like Judaism, they're trying to think, what is this religion? | ||
| What are we really trying to do? | ||
| What should be our thing? | ||
| And one guy's like, how about we cut baby penis tips off? | ||
| And they're like, that's a fucking great idea. | ||
| That's a home-run idea in this fucking religion. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Same thing with that. | ||
| Just wrap yourself in plastic. | ||
| Like, who's making that shit up? | ||
| Well, at least there's only one guy wrapping himself in plastic. | ||
| I bet everybody on that plane had their dick cut. | ||
| Probably 90% of them had their dick cut. | ||
| That's on the Jews, man. | ||
| That's on the Jews. | ||
| It's everybody now. | ||
| I mean, it's preposterous that they try to sell that as some sort of a medically necessary procedure. | ||
| It actually takes away all the sensitivity of your penis, is what it does. | ||
| Brian wants that. | ||
| He prefers that. | ||
| It's too sensitive now. | ||
| You want the foreskin back. | ||
| No, I would take some more off if I can. | ||
| Oh, you know what you should do? | ||
| You should just wear really rough underwear. | ||
| You're saying you're too sensitive. | ||
| I see your problem. | ||
| You should wear really rough underwear. | ||
| Like, get some hemp underwear. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Burlap. | ||
| Some canvas sacks. | ||
| Tidy burlaps. | ||
| Get some tidy burlaps. | ||
| Yeah, just make them out of a potato bag. | ||
| Nice and rough. | ||
| It just really chaves up your... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's really funny. | |
| ...like a fucking carpenter's hand. | ||
| Yeah, make a banana hammock out of, like, some fucking burlap sacks. | ||
| I mean, if you look at condoms, a lot of the condoms have lotion on it to help with the sensitivity so you last longer. | ||
| Is that really what they're trying to do, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, don't they try to make it feel better? | ||
| That's exactly the opposite of what they do. | ||
| They claim extra sensitivity. | ||
| Condoms, that's the number one selling point, is that they're more sensitive. | ||
| That's why they have lambskin ones. | ||
| Not all of them, though. | ||
| Brian, I've never seen a condom that is designed to numb your dick up. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They got dick-numbing condoms now? | ||
| That's not the norm. | ||
| The norm is the opposite. | ||
| They have all different kinds. | ||
| Trojans has a four-pack that has four different kinds. | ||
| One that has ultra-sensitive, one that has numbing, one that has numbing. | ||
| I've never seen the numbing. | ||
| Pull up the numbing. | ||
| Just the condom itself kind of takes away all the... | ||
| You don't need the numbing. | ||
| The complaint that people have is that it's not sensitive enough. | ||
| That's the number one complaint about condoms. | ||
| It's not that you want to numb your dick up inside the condom. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I've never even heard of that. | ||
| That's why I don't use them, man. | ||
| They just make me so mad. | ||
| They make you numb. | ||
| Comfortably numb. | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying that it doesn't exist, but I would be really shocked, and I think that's not the norm. | ||
| The norm is the opposite. | ||
| I'm sure it exists, just in the market of premature ejaculation. | ||
| Yeah, most people would want more sensitivity, though. | ||
| Yeah, with a condom, for sure. | ||
| One is a more common one is Durex Performance Condoms, which has a chemical inside it that's 5% benzocaine inside the condom, too. | ||
| So it doesn't decrease your partner's enjoyment, but it helps with the climax control. | ||
| Is that really what it does? | ||
| It numbs the tip of your dick? | ||
| Benzocaine is like, that's like a cousin of lidocaine, isn't it? | ||
| Which is a cousin of cocaine. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them have that kind of stuff. | ||
| A lot of them? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I can't imagine that that's common. | ||
| I mean, even if it's one or two that have it, I would imagine the vast majority are doing the sensitivity, like trying to make it more sensitive. | ||
| I actually read recently that magnums aren't really bigger, but they're marketed that way to make guys feel good about having to wear them. | ||
| They are bigger. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| I've read that they're like, they're not really as big as thick, so the guys will be like, yeah, dude, I went mad. | ||
| Isn't there an ultramagnum? | ||
| Yeah, that's for guys who actually have big bags. | ||
| Giant hogs. | ||
| Huge hogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just ridiculous. | |
| I can't even buy it. | ||
| They won't even let me buy it. | ||
| I can't even look at them at the store. | ||
| They go, come on, dude. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're playing games? | ||
| You're kidding. | ||
| You know, the old joke. | ||
| Don't waste your money. | ||
| There was one joke that everybody had. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It was one of those premises that everybody touched on about buying magnums and box rubber bands, please. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Stick their dick and then rubber band the bottom of it. | ||
| Tighten it up. | ||
| Cock ring it down at the base. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Another one's Trojan Extended Pleasure, which makes you numb. | ||
| One guy in the reviews on Amazon says, made me so numb I couldn't feel a thing. | ||
| Had to remove it and rinse off just to get feeling back to my penis. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Great review. | ||
| How about that one poor dude that comes like 100 times a day? | ||
| Have you seen that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He had a bulging disc. | ||
| He had a bulging disc in his back, and something happened, and he literally has a hundred orgasms a day. | ||
| This sounds a lot like an urban legend to me. | ||
| It does, man. | ||
| It lives up the street, I swear. | ||
| He's friends with my cousin. | ||
| He's friends with my cousin. | ||
| And there was a woman that had it, too. | ||
| He comes at funerals and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he broke down in tears when he was talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It's such a bizarre... | ||
| And then he broke down in tears, and then the tear hit his cheeks, and he came. | ||
| He came. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Tears make me cum. | ||
| A man who has a hundred orgasms a day breaks down in tears on This Morning, I guess that's a TV show, as he reveals that it's ruining his life. | ||
| So how did it happen? | ||
| He had some sort of a weird injury. | ||
| Look, this is a woman that has non-stop orgasms. | ||
| Too much of a good thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She looks like a dude. | ||
| It's a dude. | ||
| Where's the gal? | ||
| She probably doesn't want everybody to see her face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an odd... | ||
| Maybe it wouldn't be funny if this guy was trolling. | ||
| He's from Wisconsin. | ||
| He developed this persistent genital arousal syndrome, that's what they call it, in September of 2012 after slipping a disc in his back while getting out of a chair. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Speaking on ITVs this morning, the father of two explains, it's completely changed everything I've ever done. | ||
| I can't do anything. | ||
| I can't get a job. | ||
| You have to understand that in America, 90% of jobs are service industry and nobody would ever put me in front of their customers, so working is pretty much out of the question. | ||
| So he's just cumming all the time? | ||
| I mean, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| How do you cum that much in a day? | ||
| I don't even understand. | ||
| Well, this guy's a weird-looking dude, man. | ||
| His fingers are all tattooed up. | ||
| He's got, like, across his finger, his knuckles are tattooed. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it's tough to get a job. | ||
| I always think when a guy does that, he's probably a little... | ||
| I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel! | ||
| Oh, shit, dude. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We're going to keep looking. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You just come in my office, man. | ||
| I don't know if this is true, because a producer could come up to this guy and ask him a question, and he could get on a television show, and how much vetting do they do? | ||
| Do they follow him around? | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| You can't come a hundred times in a day. | ||
| Doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like he just wants a reality show. | ||
| It could be, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Despite suffering from a near constant erection, Mr. and Mrs. Decker rarely have sex. | ||
| Occasionally we will, but it's very frustrating for both of us. | ||
| I've tried reading about it, tried going to doctors, but no one can help me. | ||
| I don't know what I'm going to do. | ||
| I just want to get my old life back. | ||
| I just want to get back. | ||
| What is the medical explanation of how a slipped disc can cause that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psss! | |
| exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It seems odd to me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| According to medical literature, here's what it's saying. | ||
| Trauma to the pelvic nerves can trigger hypersensitivity in this area. | ||
| This painful pelvic condition has left him household, housebound, and isolated. | ||
| Though fear of suffering a public orgasm. | ||
| Through fear of suffering a public orgasm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| With even... | ||
| Some even causing him to drop to the floor. | ||
| Imagine you're coming so hard you drop to the floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I? This is so ridiculous. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's just called coming, right guys? | ||
| He says there's different intensities. | ||
| He says, the ones that cause me to drop to the floor feel like all the muscles from my chest to my thighs have gone rock hard and everything just seizes up. | ||
| It hurts and it feels good at the same time. | ||
| And you have all these things running through your head as they happen. | ||
| You don't want to be around anyone and you don't want anyone to see it. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He explains. | ||
| He must nap a ton. | ||
| The guy's just coming all the time. | ||
| Joe, do you ever have real blue ball where it actually hurt? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I had a dog once that I brought to the hospital. | ||
| Because I thought he was really injured. | ||
| I thought something was wrong with him. | ||
| And he had blue balls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So they cure that. | ||
| They just choke him off? | ||
| You remember Frank? | ||
| He was going down the stairs. | ||
| And as he was going down the stairs, he was... | ||
| Like, walking down the stairs, he was yiping. | ||
| And I was like, you okay, buddy? | ||
| Come on, what's the matter? | ||
| And I thought, like, he had broke his hip or something, and he was, like, in agony. | ||
| So I carried him. | ||
| I picked him up. | ||
| I put him in the car. | ||
| And I drove him to the vet. | ||
| And the vet checked him, and he was wagging his tail at the vet's office and walking around. | ||
| He seemed kind of normal. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know what happened. | ||
| He was going down hills, and he was in agony. | ||
| He was yiping. | ||
| And the vet checks his balls. | ||
| He goes, look at this. | ||
| So he had balls. | ||
| I was going to say, so he had balls. | ||
| He had his balls, but then in front of his balls, his dick had extra balls. | ||
| He had these swollen glands on his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It was the weirdest shit ever. | ||
| It was like he had an extra set of balls on his dick. | ||
| So I go, what's going on? | ||
| He goes, there's a bitch in heat in your neighborhood. | ||
| That's an actual textual term. | ||
| It's called a bitch in heat. | ||
| And he goes, and he's freaking out. | ||
| I go, that's incredible. | ||
| Like, he's so horny that he's in pain. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, it makes sense if he's going downstairs. | ||
| You're just the juggling of your balls going down the stairs. | ||
| And he's a pit bull. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he was, I mean, he could take all kinds of pain. | ||
| So I can't imagine the ball pain this poor guy was in. | ||
| Dude, that's brutal. | ||
| You just said lines from a 2 Live Crew song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd I say? | |
| A bitch in heat, a freak without warning. | ||
| I actually had it once, and it was the first time I ever made out with that porn star. | ||
| The first porn star I ever dated. | ||
| And it hurt me for like hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know, there's a simple cure. | ||
| Yeah, you'll beat it off in the bathroom. | ||
| She won't give you nothing. | ||
| You didn't know that that was the cure? | ||
| I mean, it's well documented. | ||
| Just shut the door, lock it. | ||
| Just jerk off. | ||
| I meant literally from driving home from her house, my first time meeting her, I remember pulling over going... | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I've never had that happen. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's a hot bitch. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| See, now I use bitch in the wrong way. | ||
| You've got to be careful. | ||
| Well, you're doing it specifically to teach a lesson to the kids listening. | ||
| Yeah, for the kids. | ||
| The proper way. | ||
| For the kids. | ||
| Think about dogs. | ||
| Think about what they go through. | ||
| Don't let it happen to you. | ||
| You can handle things. | ||
| They can't do anything about it. | ||
| Remember, kids, if your dog is ever whimpering, first thing you should try to do is jerk it off. | ||
| I had a friend who used to jerk his dog off. | ||
| No, you didn't? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| How is that even a thing? | ||
| He used to jerk his Rottweil off with his foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Well, he would say that the dog was in agony and he would help him out. | ||
| So he'd put his foot on the dog's dick and just rub it back and forth and the dog would squirt all over his stomach. | ||
| You're not like a Bob Barker fan of getting your dog neutered? | ||
| You're not into that? | ||
| Well, my dogs are neutered now. | ||
| I have two male dogs. | ||
| They're both neutered. | ||
| But I don't think it's necessary all the time. | ||
| I think that people are concerned about prostate cancer and certain things. | ||
| But my doctor, Dr. Craig, who's a veterinarian, he didn't believe in it. | ||
| He said, you don't need to. | ||
| He goes, it's irresponsible to let your dog breed with other dogs. | ||
| He goes, but the testosterone, like when a person has their testicles removed, men no longer produce testosterone. | ||
| They can get really depressed. | ||
| And he's like, your dog will have less energy. | ||
| He's like, it's just, is what's going to happen. | ||
| They will lose muscle, their body slims down, and they'll probably have less energy. | ||
| And he's like, it's not popular to say, he goes, but it's a physiological reality. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely getting your balls cut off. | ||
| You know, there was a woman that, there's some really controversial experiments that were done with dolphins in the 1960s and the 70s, this guy John Lilly. | ||
| John Lilly is this famous psychedelic pioneer. | ||
| He's one of the guys that, he invented the isolation tank, actually. | ||
| And he was this guy who was working on interspecies communications with dolphins and he set up all these experiments. | ||
| And one of the experiments he set up, this woman lived with a dolphin. | ||
| And by lived with it, I mean the dolphin was in a tank of water. | ||
| The water was up to her waist. | ||
| And she lived with this dolphin. | ||
| She would walk around with the dolphin, and she would sleep there. | ||
| She would climb up on a bed, and she would sleep on a bed, but when she was working, when she was doing her... | ||
| She was in the water. | ||
| She was in the water, constantly with this dolphin. | ||
| And the dolphin would get really horny, so she would jerk off the dolphin. | ||
| And that was a big part of the controversy behind these experiments, because in her mind, she was like, look, he was young, he's male, and he was really distracted, and he couldn't concentrate on the work. | ||
| And the work was, they were trying to teach the dolphin to try to speak English. | ||
| And they were trying to teach it how to say human-type noises. | ||
| There's a... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| There's a Radiolab podcast about it. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out what the name of it was. | ||
| About dolphin masturbation? | ||
| About this very case. | ||
| About this very case. | ||
| It's incredibly fascinating. | ||
| And I had always known about Lily, because I think it's called Hello. | ||
| Yeah, it's called Hello. | ||
| It all is about the issues with intraspecies communication. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They kind of understand the concept, but they can't make the noise because they have a blowhole. | ||
| But this lady was trying. | ||
| She was living with this thing for a long time, and she was jerking the dolphin off. | ||
| Between that and Lily was doing acid, and they cut off funding. | ||
| I respect the effort, but at the same time, the minute you're jerking off the dolphin. | ||
| How else does she do that? | ||
| Maybe you get another dolphin. | ||
| You don't have to live with the dolphin. | ||
| There's got to be a better way. | ||
| I think... | ||
| They were concerned. | ||
| I can't imagine that dolphin was fucking happy. | ||
| I can't imagine he was like, this is great, I'm living with a lady. | ||
| I don't know if he thought it was bad. | ||
| I mean, we have this big hang-up about sexuality, but imagine if you had an itch on your back and you couldn't reach it, and you were being taken care of by someone and they scratched your back for you. | ||
| Like, oh, thank you. | ||
| No, I just mean, I would always lean towards, like, if I could put the dolphin. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm more of a don't-jerk-an-animal-off kind of a guy. | ||
| But I just mean, my point is, well then maybe get a better facility to keep the dolphin in, get a couple of dolphins, let them live, put them in a, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, you know, anytime you have an animal in captivity, it's pretty fucked up, but I don't know that jerking them off is the right way to do it. | ||
| If you had to choose one, which one would you do? | ||
| Which what? | ||
| If you had to choose an animal to jerk off, which is it? | ||
| You know, a lot of people ask me this question. | ||
| I would not do it with a monkey, because if you do it wrong, they'd bite you. | ||
| I think doing it with a monkey would be a little bit too much like just doing it with a dude. | ||
| If you're really rough and you're joking off a monkey and they just fucking sunk their teeth in your thumb. | ||
| They don't like how you're working their balls. | ||
| No, I'd go exotic. | ||
| I'd go like giraffe. | ||
| Because it's tall, you can stand, you know. | ||
| But they might come and kick you in the head and you die. | ||
| They might. | ||
| Look, there's always a risk. | ||
| There's always a risk when my boy was free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My boy was free. | |
| He was the executive producer of the Daily Show. | ||
| No one said it was an easy job, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Successful stand-up comedian. | |
| He died jerking off a donkey. | ||
| I think it's a terrible way to go. | ||
| I would do Kuala Bear because they're so cute. | ||
| Do you know they rape a lot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Kuala Bears are famous for raping each other. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| They're vicious. | ||
| When they fuck, they bite and... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking, yeah. | ||
| Get crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I did not know that. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to jerk off koalas. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Don't bite you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't bite the shit out of you. | |
| I'm going to need to sleep on this. | ||
| I'll let you guys know. | ||
| Yeah, let's put this to a test. | ||
| I mean, what she did was ridiculous, but only ridiculous by our cultural standards. | ||
| If you think about it biologically, the real issue biologically is you're right. | ||
| You shouldn't have a dolphin in captivity like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's all. | ||
| But in the podcast, they sort of document why they did it, because it's really hard to communicate with dolphins in the wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did this thing in Hawaii recently, where we went swimming with the dolphins. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that. | ||
| I had my four-year-old with me, too, and she was in the water, like, right next to me. | ||
| Literally, I was holding onto her while we were swimming, and she's got the scuba mask on and shit, and she's, you know, snorkeling, looking down while the dolphins swim underneath it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| And they're wild. | ||
| These are not like SeaWorld dolphins. | ||
| They're not like SeaWorld dolphins. | ||
| And they'll sonar you, like... | ||
| It's fucking cool as hell. | ||
| And they'll get near you and they'll make weird noises and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that the lady, every time they talk, according to my calculations, he's saying, jerk me off! | |
| I'm just listening to him. | ||
| I mean, we don't know that for sure. | ||
| Trust me, I speak dolphin. | ||
| He wants to be jerked off. | ||
| It was apparently humping her leg. | ||
| It was humping her leg. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| So just reach down there, give him a handy, and then back to work. | ||
| Back to school. | ||
| The dolphin was never going to be able to speak human. | ||
| I think it would probably be easier for a person to learn how to speak dolphin. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| We can vary. | ||
| They have a blowhole, man. | ||
| They're not making much sound out of that fucking thing. | ||
| I also think at some point, you know, there's no real need to speak dolphin. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, in other words, we know they can communicate with each other, and that's fine. | ||
| We could use them as weapons, though. | ||
| Well, obviously. | ||
| Well, they already have. | ||
| The Navy's done that a long time ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They did. | |
| The Navy did something with dolphins. | ||
| Put bombs on them and taught them how to go to their fucking ships. | ||
| Yeah, or to blow up mines or something. | ||
| They didn't use them for anything good. | ||
| How crazy is that, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're really smart, too. | ||
| Yeah, they're really smart. | ||
| This is a dark thing that we do when we keep dolphins in captivity. | ||
| If we were mermen, that would be man's best friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like, if we lived in the ocean, that'd be dog. | ||
| We'd all have dolphins. | ||
| Imagine if they looked like people, but with tails, but they were all the same color as a dolphin, and they did breathe air, so they came out for air, but we didn't understand them, because they spoke like dolphins. | ||
| Would we be comfortable, if they lived the exact same life, would we be comfortable with them in captivity then? | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| But imagine if they looked like fucking Triton. | ||
| With blue skin and a fucking beard. | ||
| And they had arms and shit and a human face. | ||
| But they would talk like... | ||
| Fuck the shit out of them. | ||
| And they lived... | ||
| But they didn't have... | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| Probably might be a way to work around it. | ||
| But I don't think it'd be that easy. | ||
| I'm literally getting a call from the Sci-Fi Network here. | ||
| They want to do it. | ||
| They said yes. | ||
| I mean, what if it looked a little bit more like a person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like it had a mouth and a nose and ears. | ||
| We have apes in captivity with no issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Very good point. | ||
| We have fucking apes, you know, doing all sorts of horrible shit. | ||
| Don't you think that's because we've had them for the longest time? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did you not used to have a black guy in the Bronx Zoo? | ||
| What's that saying? | ||
| They had a black guy in the zoo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In the Bronx Zoo. | ||
| Yes, they had an African for a short period of time in the Bronx Zoo. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| I think it was like the early 1900s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Yeah, African man. | ||
| When you learn things like this, it makes you... | ||
| Please do not feed the African. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy shit, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| His name was Otabenga. | ||
| He was a pygmy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he was... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is really crazy. | ||
| He was known for being featured in an anthropological exhibit in the Louisiana Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri in 1904 and in a controversial human zoo exhibit in 1906 in the Bronx Zoo. | ||
| He had been freed from an African slave trader by the explorer Samuel Phillips Varner, a businessman. | ||
| You're free! | ||
| Now get into this zoo cage! | ||
| Yeah, he traveled with this guy to the United States. | ||
| Jesus Christ, 1906 too. | ||
| That's just not that long ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At the Bronx Zoo, he was exhibited in the zoo's monkey house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I mean, to be fair. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Well, they would file their teeth down. | ||
| That's like a part of their culture in a lot of those. | ||
| That is scary. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Well, that's not that long ago, man. | ||
| That's a hundred and eight years or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking nuts. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| People are weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's going to be like another hundred years. | ||
| People are like, you ever met that lady who jerked off the dolphin? | ||
| Can you believe they let that happen? | ||
| It's just weird when you see these sort of things that happened not that long ago, and we looked at it as, is that baby in a zoo? | ||
| Yeah, African girl in human zoo. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What year is that? | ||
| I'll find out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is fucking cranky as shit. | |
| It says, throughout the late 19th century and well into the 1950s, Africans, in some cases Native Americans, were kept as exhibits in zoos. | ||
| So up to late as 1950s. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Well, you know, we were talking earlier about the evidence of evolution, or we should probably say progress. | ||
| They hate it when we say evolution. | ||
| You talk about human progress, like thinking. | ||
| It's not really evolution. | ||
| Evolutionary is a biological term. | ||
| But human progress, there's pretty clear evidence that something's going on. | ||
| And in this abandonment of retard and these words that we don't want to let go... | ||
| Ultimately, it seems to kind of be moving in a better direction. | ||
| Yeah, I would say that anytime you're resistant to that stuff, it's a natural impulse to like, fuck that, I'm not changing. | ||
| But then the reality is you're always kind of on the wrong side of history. | ||
| If you don't at some point go, I actually understand that there's a group of people who associate themselves with this term and it makes them feel like shit if I say it. | ||
| And, you know, there's going to be ones that I give in on and ones I probably don't. | ||
| And as I, you know, become more mature, I try my best. | ||
| You know, like, I get it. | ||
| If you have a kid with Down syndrome, you don't want to hear me call something retarded. | ||
| I totally get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You know, like, the word fag is a word that I used to say. | ||
| Like, I didn't think it meant anything, but I don't ever... | ||
| I would call it the F word now. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| In fact, I just said it now, and I realized... | ||
| You did say it. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| God, it felt so good. | ||
| I dropped an N-bomb earlier. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| Dude, thank you very much, man. | ||
| This was a fun podcast. | ||
| Yeah, I had a blast with you guys. | ||
| Thank you so much, man. | ||
| I really appreciate it. | ||
| Big fan of this. | ||
| This was extremely fun for me and cool for me to do. | ||
| Oh, it was fun for us, too, man. | ||
| You're fucking hilarious. | ||
| Anytime you want to come back on, man. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Where can people see you? | ||
| I'm going to be at the Stress Factory. | ||
| Awesome club. | ||
| Yeah, I love that club. | ||
| In October 17th and 18th. | ||
| That's New Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, in New Brunswick. | ||
| And then I'm going to be working on this new show for Comedy Central for a little while, doing gigs around Manhattan. | ||
| But my last kind of headlining gig is at the Stress Factory for a little while. | ||
| And this show is the Neil Brennan show? | ||
| No, it's the one with Larry Wilmore. | ||
| It's the one taking over for Colbert. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| It's called Minority Report. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| And when does that start? | ||
| It starts January 19th. | ||
| That's when it's on TV? Yeah. | ||
| It's going to be a totally cool, different show. | ||
| Well, let us know. | ||
| We'd be happy to tweet that and promote that. | ||
| You guys are the best. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| The Twitter is Rory Albanese. | ||
| A-L-B-A-N-E-S-E. R-O-Y. And come out to the Stress Factory, man. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| Thank you guys again. | ||
| Rory. | ||
| Rory Albanese. | ||
| R-O-R-Y. Albanese. | ||
| I like how you use the dollar sign of your name, too, brother. | ||
| Well, you know, that's how I just work. | ||
| Come see me at the Stress Factory. | ||
| Hilarious stand-up comedian. | ||
| Alright, thank you, everybody. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. |
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