Sept. 4, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:54:04
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, freaks. | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| Did we sneak up on you? | ||
| I barely tweeted this one. | ||
| I tweeted this one just moments ago. | ||
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| We're also brought to you by DraftKings. | ||
| Hello, fantasy football dorks. | ||
| Football is back. | ||
| And DraftKings.com isn't fucking around. | ||
| DraftKings.com is America's favorite one-week fantasy football site, and you could get your piece of $5 million being awarded this week. | ||
| That's some ridiculous shit. | ||
| They have real money. | ||
| I thought fantasy football was just a bunch of guys having a good time, being silly. | ||
| There's a lot more involved in it. | ||
| I have a championship belt. | ||
| I'm the comedy store fantasy champion. | ||
| I don't talk about it. | ||
| I'm sort of a closet case. | ||
| You don't think it's serious? | ||
| I have a championship belt, Joe. | ||
| Who made the belt? | ||
| The commissioner of the league. | ||
| It has the big comedy store. | ||
| It's all gold and black. | ||
| So someone spent money on this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We all threw in an extra 15 or 20 bucks. | ||
| It's like a $200 belt. | ||
| It is awesome. | ||
| Now, if you lose, do you have to give that belt up or do you keep a copy of the belt forever because you were the champ? | ||
| Unfortunately, our league isn't that luxury to where you get to keep a model belt. | ||
| The belt goes on to the next winner. | ||
| Yeah, because everybody always wonders that, like with boxing matches. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Does a guy get the belt? | ||
| Do you get a copy of your own belt? | ||
| Guys, keep a belt. | ||
| If you were the champ, you go over to Sugar Ray Leonard's house, he's still got the belt. | ||
| He's not the champ anymore, but the belt's still in his house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They give you a replica. | ||
| Works that way with pro wrestling. | ||
| They should give you the real one. | ||
| The replica should be a new one for the new champion. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| So, if you're one of those guys, one of those Tony Hinchcliffe type characters, we got a way to take shit to the next level. | ||
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| You turn that knowledge into instant cash, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Mostly ladies. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| I'm like, mostly gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
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Are there any women at all that are in fantasy football? | |
| Draft queens. | ||
| Well, there's always those chicks, like Amy Schumer had a bit about it on her show, about girls who can hang, and it's so true. | ||
| There's always those girls that, you know, they adapt. | ||
| They become one of the guys. | ||
| Sarah Tiana. | ||
| Is she one of those? | ||
| Oh, she's huge into it. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| Into fantasy football? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| She's in multiple leagues. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| She's trolling for dick. | ||
| I know what she's up to. | ||
| I'm not hating. | ||
| Last year, one player turned 11 bucks into 4,000 in one weekend. | ||
| And I say that with all due respect. | ||
| I like Sarah. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Yeah, one dude seriously turned $11 into $4,000 in one weekend, and another player won a million dollars in one day playing fantasy football. | ||
| I'll fucking say that again. | ||
| Some asshole won a... | ||
| I don't mean asshole. | ||
| I mean asshole like I would call myself an asshole. | ||
| Person. | ||
| Won a million bucks in a fucking day playing fantasy football. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
| Play daily fantasy along with your season-long league at DraftKings. | ||
| DraftKings.com is where it's at, you dirty fucks. | ||
| They're crowning millionaires all season. | ||
| And you could be next. | ||
| Go to DraftKings.com, enter in the promo code ROGAN, get a free entry into the week one $5 million kickoff bash. | ||
| I'll say that again. | ||
| Go to DraftKings.com and enter promo code ROGAN and get a free entry into the week one $5 million kickoff bash. | ||
| DraftKings.com, bigger events, bigger winnings, and making fucking millionaires. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Tony. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Enter in the code word ROGAN for a free entry now at DraftKings.com. | ||
| Alright, and we're also brought to you last but not least by Onnit.com. | ||
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| when it comes to that pertain to health and fitness and improving your physical strength, your mental well-being. | ||
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| If you haven't worked out before, don't get crazy and decide you're going to be The Rock because you've been going to The Rock's Instagram and seen his workouts and go, I'm going to fucking be like The Rock, bro. | ||
| I just started working out again a month ago and take my approach, people. | ||
| Just seven minute workouts a day. | ||
| That's the way to not get hurt. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| You can do it nice and slow. | ||
| You can get a workout in in seven minutes. | ||
| And I use my Hemp Force. | ||
| I use one scoop of chocolate Hemp Force, one banana, some frozen pineapple from the freezer, one scoop of peanut butter, pack in extra protein, a little bit of almond milk, goodbye. | ||
| I got Tony to eat some meat this past weekend, and I don't mean my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
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I mean, I got him to eat, he ate a piece of beef. | |
| Did you love it? | ||
| Was it the best tasting thing you did? | ||
| You know, I was eating... | ||
| What's not told in this story is that in front of me I had three jumbo grilled shrimp, a crab cake, and a salmon that had crab meat on it. | ||
| And, you know, it's all amazing. | ||
| Food is great. | ||
| I love all food. | ||
| Honestly, I love steak. | ||
| Always have. | ||
| It couldn't quite compare with what I ordered. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But that's what I like. | ||
| I eat what I like. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I love steak. | ||
| The point is, Tony ate meat. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's cool. | |
| For the longest time, Tony's been a vegetarian. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| You eat fish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember I was there one day where you ate something you weren't supposed to, like a muffin or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you ended up puking or something. | ||
| Anyway, this episode is brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
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| Boom-shlock-lock-boom. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe is here. | ||
| Why fuck around? | ||
| Tony and I will be at the Ice House Comedy Club next weekend, September 12th and 13th. | ||
| That's right, freak bitches. | ||
| New material. | ||
| Rolling out. | ||
| Preparing the next hour. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| What? | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Good googly moogly, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| A world tour we've been on, young man. | ||
| Yeah, we've been everywhere. | ||
| We've traveled the globe. | ||
| We've extended our reach. | ||
| We've done sets throughout the lands. | ||
| We've gone from the high of the Rocky Mountains all the way to a hockey rink in the middle of Canada. | ||
| We did so much the past couple months. | ||
| Yeah, we did a hockey rink. | ||
| You, me, and Brian Callen did a goddamn hockey rink. | ||
| Yeah, in Canada. | ||
| Like, what a stereotype. | ||
| Way up there, too, man. | ||
| It's two hours north of Edmonton. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what was the name of that town again? | ||
| Lloyd Minster. | ||
| Yeah, Lloyd Minster. | ||
| Nice folks. | ||
| Great people. | ||
| Oh yeah, great people. | ||
| A lot of people talking about how they drove three hours from the north. | ||
| Five hours from the east. | ||
| That's what happens when you do those middle of nowhere shows. | ||
| You get access to a bunch of people that ordinarily, they just can't physically get to you in time. | ||
| It takes too much time. | ||
| I talked to this one dude who drove 18 hours once to a show. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a goddamn responsibility when you're telling jokes to a guy who drove 18 hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's... | |
| I'm glad you told me after the show. | ||
| Tell me before the show, I'd be like, fuck, I can't even do new shit now. | ||
| I gotta give this guy some... | ||
|
unidentified
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I gotta throw some heat. | |
| 18 fucking hours. | ||
| 18's a long trip. | ||
| That's a hell of a trip. | ||
| But yeah, dude, we've been everywhere, man. | ||
| Those gigs up in Canada were fucking badass. | ||
| We went from one place, which is in the middle of nowhere, which was a hockey rink, to that theater in Vancouver that was just fucking incredible. | ||
| It was like the perfect contrast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like 3,000 or 4,000 seat crazy theater with big fancy chandeliers. | ||
| It was like Game of Thrones. | ||
| Yeah, and it was right to do it the right way, too. | ||
| We did the hockey rink first and then the nice theater second. | ||
| If we did it the other way, it would be depressing. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| It's like, oh, it's over. | ||
| Look at us. | ||
| We're in a fucking hockey rink now. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Joan Rivers just died. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, rest in peace, Joan Rivers. | ||
| That chick, you know, agree with her or not agree with her. | ||
| I mean, a lot of people were mad at her about her take on Gaza and the whole Israeli thing. | ||
| She's Jewish and she's old, you know? | ||
| She was. | ||
| But she was a real fucking comic. | ||
| A real comic. | ||
| To the very end. | ||
| No, I was supposed to do her show, man. | ||
| I was supposed to do her show where I lie in bed with her. | ||
| Like, in bed with Joan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would have been the first time I met her. | ||
| She has, like, a podcast that she does from a bed. | ||
| And, you know, people climb in bed with her and you tell your jokes. | ||
| You might still have a chance if you make it over there in the next couple of hours. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck off! | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| I get excited on the too soon jokes. | ||
| I always love that. | ||
| I can't believe you did it. | ||
| It's my favorite thing. | ||
| You actually knew her daughter pretty well, though. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You met her? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, never met her. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, never met her. | ||
| I might have said hi to her once at a place. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I never talked to her, though. | ||
| Um... | ||
| That's rough stuff, man. | ||
| But, you know, 81 years old. | ||
| What a career. | ||
| I mean, she was like Carson's favorite. | ||
| Yeah, she didn't have some falling out with Carson. | ||
| Yeah, because she took a gig going up against him from Fox. | ||
| He was on NBC. She took the 1130. He built her. | ||
| She was his guest host, and he was really offended when she went against him competing in ratings. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I just feel like... | ||
| You know, I feel like that's unfortunate. | ||
| But the whole paradigm of television, like having to watch things at the same time, like having an 8 o'clock show, you know, Mork and Mindy's competing with, you know, blah, blah, blah, that's on at another time. | ||
| Whenever you have that, you're going to have these sort of competitive-type issues. | ||
| It's going to be... | ||
| It's going to be gross. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about the internet, you know? | ||
| Like, when it comes to, like, podcasts and shows... | ||
| Nobody tries to compete with anybody. | ||
| Nobody tries to keep guests from going to other podcasts. | ||
| No one does any of that. | ||
| Well, when Joan was competing with Johnny, I'm pretty sure there was just three or four channels at the time when those two were competing. | ||
| So it's definitely a whole new age, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There was nothing, man. | ||
| You didn't even have Fox back then. | ||
| You did ABC, CBS, and NBC, and that's it. | ||
| What a fucking monopoly, huh? | ||
| Oh, insane. | ||
| They had America's mind and ears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in America, if you wanted to find out or be entertained by something else, you had to go find a book or make your own movie. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you really think about it, the numbers that they must have had during the Happy Days, like when Happy Days was a hit, they must have had like 30, 40, 50 million people watching, right? | ||
| It must be much more than they have today because the options today are so huge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think they can get one person to watch as much at one time as they could have. | ||
| It's amazing that you still have network television, really, if you really stop and think about it. | ||
| Because cable, they can kind of do so much more. | ||
| Even if they don't swear. | ||
| Think about the shit they got away with on Breaking Bad. | ||
| You could never do that on NBC, right? | ||
| They would never let you. | ||
| You could never have open drug selling and using and murder and all that crazy shit. | ||
| The way they do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he tried. | ||
| I do believe he pitched it to somebody. | ||
| I can't remember whether it was network or not, but it definitely found its home where it landed. | ||
| AMC, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and meanwhile, nobody had watched anything on that network before. | ||
| There was no one show that everybody tuned into on that network. | ||
| But some network did turn him down for that. | ||
| Imagine being those executives. | ||
| Like, oh, gosh. | ||
| I wonder if that's true. | ||
| I wonder if they did turn it down. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I know for a fact. | ||
| I can't remember which channel, but somebody turned down Breaking Bad originally. | ||
| Vince Gilligan pitched it. | ||
| I can't remember whether it was Network or Fox or FX or something, but somebody turned that down. | ||
| Breaking Bad. | ||
| What a dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Whoops. | ||
| Big whoops. | ||
| I'm watching the show The Strain. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| That's the Benicio Del Toro, not Benicio Del Toro, Guillermo Del Toro production. | ||
| It's a book that he wrote with this guy Chuck Hogan. | ||
| It's a vampire book. | ||
| But it's super fucking gory. | ||
| Like really fucking gory. | ||
| And when I'm watching it like that, like along with Walking Dead, which is obviously really gory too. | ||
| I could never have those on like NBC. They would have a shit fit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you still have NBC. You still have CBS. You still have ABC. There's people that still want to watch those sitcoms. | ||
| Like they still have a hold on a certain type of show. | ||
| Especially network sitcoms. | ||
| That's their shit. | ||
| Those camera sitcoms where they have an audience. | ||
| Well, those are the channels. | ||
| Now network's just the channel that people put on and leave on and fall asleep and walk around the house with that on. | ||
| It's not really like... | ||
| There's no real passion behind it. | ||
| You mean like NBC? Yeah. | ||
| I wonder what they could do. | ||
| Because it seems like there's just too many options. | ||
| Imagine if you had ABC before the internet, and you watched this thing come along, and then you watched all these cable companies come along. | ||
| If you owned ABC in 1980, and you're just chilling on a fucking yacht out there in the middle of the Pacific, Smoking cigars. | ||
| Saying, we got it made. | ||
|
unidentified
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This fucking business is locked down. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then all of a sudden this creepy thing called cable comes around. | ||
| This cable thing is never going to take off. | ||
| They can swear? | ||
| Why can they swear? | ||
| What's the thing called the FCC? Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's what people don't know. | ||
| They can do whatever they want on cable. | ||
| That's why Comedy Central has uncensored content late at night. | ||
| If you tune into Comedy Central late at night, you'll hear all sorts of terrible language. | ||
| They can do that shit. | ||
| And by terrible, you mean awesome! | ||
| I mean terrible if you're a fucking square. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of those out there, though, aren't there? | ||
| That's the other thing with the networks and the sitcoms. | ||
| A laugh track. | ||
| Nothing drives me crazier than hearing, even if it's a live studio audience. | ||
| It's just, I don't want to hear people laugh. | ||
| Don't tell me when to laugh. | ||
| Have you ever seen the Big Bang without the laugh track? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, there's videos online, the Big Bang without the laugh track, and it's fucking confusing. | ||
| You're like, okay, well this makes more sense at least. | ||
| When you listen to people not laughing, you go, okay, well that's much more likely. | ||
| But it also could be, in their defense, it could be like second and third takes. | ||
| Like, the second and third take, like, audiences don't fucking laugh. | ||
| I mean, they laugh a little, like, haha. | ||
| But sometimes you have to do a line, like, four or five times to get it right. | ||
| Or there might be a camera issue, or there might be a sound issue, and they have to repeat a scene. | ||
| So when you're doing a sitcom in front of a live audience, there's oftentimes many takes. | ||
| Like, we used to fucking beat the audiences up. | ||
| Ugh, it was awful, the poor people. | ||
| They would sit there in the crowd during the news radio days, And if something wasn't working, like, they had to do it a couple times. | ||
| Like, there was times when an episode didn't go well where it got, like, three, four takes in a row. | ||
| But when we would get, like, first take or second take, like, we'd always do a second take. | ||
| But we'd do first take and second take, and they're like, we got it. | ||
| We're like, oh. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| Because those third takes are brutal. | ||
| Because you knew you were wearing on people's patience. | ||
| The audience had to sit there and be like, oh my god. | ||
| Okay, we're going to do it again, folks. | ||
| And you hear the audience go, oh. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Yeah, but in this video, it's more just horrible writing and horrible jokes. | ||
| It's pretty bad. | ||
| Just bad. | ||
| You want to play it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, I think we'll get pulled off of YouTube, but I think that's the theme lately. | ||
| What's that show called again? | ||
| The Big Bang. | ||
| The Big Bang. | ||
| These people all just got a million bucks an episode. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| I have no problem with that. | ||
| I think it's amazing. | ||
| But the show sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fucking terrible show. | ||
| They can't help but suck. | ||
| They're trying to suck. | ||
| They're trying to, and I don't mean suck for some people. | ||
| See, that's the thing about suck. | ||
| What sucks for you is what other people are looking for. | ||
| And that's hard for people to recognize. | ||
| Like, everyone wants everyone else to have their own sensibilities. | ||
| When I say that something sucks, someone else might come along and say, that's my favorite shit! | ||
| Like, when I was bear hunting up in Alaska, or up in Canada, I had to hang out with all these people that love country music. | ||
| And they watched the country music channel, the rivets, the best folks ever, the nicest people ever. | ||
| And they play this fucking country music shit all day. | ||
| And some of it is just mind-numbing. | ||
| It's just so dumb. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| It's not just dumb. | ||
| It's like they're appealing to the dumbest part of your brain. | ||
| The part of your brain that wants everything to be a Norman Rockwell painting. | ||
| The part of your brain that doesn't want subtlety or nuanced thinking. | ||
| Or to introduce at all the concept that you're actually on a fucking planet flying through the universe. | ||
| All those concepts are like, there's none of that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when we were young and we were wild, and we got married and had a child, now Jesus is with us all the time. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I just got a text. | ||
| They want to make you the newest country star. | ||
| I can do it! | ||
| I can do it. | ||
| Hey, by the way, how good was fucking Dom Herrera's music yesterday? | ||
| Oh, that was amazing. | ||
| Dom Herrera has good fucking music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dom's doing music now? | ||
| Dom Herrera wrote a good fucking song, and I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| I'm gonna get him to email me that shit. | ||
| Here's that video, by the way. | ||
| I'm gonna get him to email it to me while, uh, because I don't think he has it online. | ||
| Oh, this is the Big Bang. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nothing makes beer taste better than cool, clear Rocky Mountains spring water. | |
| Where are the Rocky Mountains, anyway? | ||
| Philadelphia. | ||
| Really, I thought they were out west someplace. | ||
| Think about it, Raj. | ||
| Where did the movie Rocky take place? | ||
| Philadelphia. | ||
| Okay, now I get it. | ||
| So, this is the plan. | ||
| From now on, we're just gonna hide out in here to avoid the shamey. | ||
| I'm very comfortable here. | ||
| Penny dear, why don't you shoot another silver bullet my way? | ||
| Get one yourself. | ||
| Ooh, somebody's been taking bitchy pills. | ||
| This is bad for America. | ||
| Stop this right here. | ||
| This is bad for America. | ||
| That's not just bad. | ||
| That's bad for the world. | ||
| That's bad for the country. | ||
| That's bad for everybody. | ||
| And that's all writing and somebody just thinking that's funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That got through every script supervisor and meeting and pitch. | ||
| Highlighters. | ||
| That's the best of the best. | ||
| That's all the best ideas that they could come up with. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I think if NBC and all these guys want to really survive, they're going to have to have an NBC cable or an app where NBC can make programming that's more adult like they do on cable. | ||
| Or that NBC is just going to become an app when that does happen, and cable and network is not going to mean the same thing. | ||
| See, I think you're saying that, but I think the people that listen to some of that dopey-ass country music, those people don't have an issue with it. | ||
| There's certain people that will tell you, Big Bang is my favorite show. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| But the majority isn't like that. | ||
| I don't believe you're right. | ||
| That's why Breaking Back or HBO or Showtime is getting better ratings than anyone. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| Yeah, you're wrong. | ||
| The numbers that watch Breaking Bad are not nearly the numbers that watch the Big Bang. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not even in the ballpark. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You can't just say shit like that, dude. | ||
| You gotta know what you're talking about. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It is getting... | ||
| They're getting great... | ||
| They do well because they're awesome. | ||
| They're awesome and people find them, but they're on cable. | ||
| It's way more difficult to get someone to watch a show, say, on AMC or a show on any one of those, the History Channel. | ||
| It's very difficult. | ||
| That's why when the Duck Dynasty show got insane ratings, they got some crazy number, like 9 million or 7 million people to watch. | ||
| It was the highest rated cable show ever. | ||
| That's not even close to what those Big Bang kids get. | ||
| That's like an 18 million people a week show. | ||
| They win every week. | ||
| Sometimes the second number two of the week is a rerun of that first show that they're number one on. | ||
| Sometimes a Big Bang rerun can beat everything. | ||
| I wonder if what's going on is that they're trying to trick dumb people into thinking they're smart by watching a nerdy show. | ||
| They've made a nerdy show for dumb people. | ||
| Like they've hijacked two markets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They've hijacked the people that want to be smart and the want to be nerds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they've also got the dumb people. | ||
| They've got both markets. | ||
| It's really a lot of dumb people. | ||
| Mostly dumb people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Breaking bad breaks more ratings records. | ||
| Yeah, but I guarantee that's an old article, because Breaking Bad's cancelled. | ||
| And the Duck Dynasty thing is post that, and the Duck Dynasty thing got the highest ratings ever. | ||
| This is 2013, but yeah. | ||
| Right, but what's the numbers? | ||
| Well, what's the numbers? | ||
| It pulled 6.6 million viewers. | ||
| That's a fail. | ||
| If that was happening with the Big Bang, they would be terrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's crazy what they probably- Brian, trust me, I know what I'm talking about. | |
| I'm not just making this up. | ||
| I'm just saying that the cable channels are getting great ratings, but higher. | ||
| Occasionally, for shows like Breaking Bad, they do much better than they used to do. | ||
| But they're still, they pale in comparison to the major network shows. | ||
| For whatever reason, those really dumb shows still get the best ratings. | ||
| Like, yeah, like, Game of Thrones is a different example because it's a subscription channel, and it's got far less people tune into it. | ||
| Like, it used to be if you got an HBO special, that was the shit. | ||
| Oh my god, you know, we saw the Sam Kinison HBO special, the Chris Rock HBO special. | ||
| But now a Comedy Central special is way better than an HBO special, because a Comedy Central special is going to be seen by way more people, millions more people, and then on top of that, they're going to replay the shit out of it, because that's all they play, is comedy. | ||
| And people go there for comedy. | ||
| But, like, the numbers, like, if you look at the numbers, like, you would think that... | ||
| Like, The Sopranos. | ||
| Like, well, it must have been an unbelievably high-rated show. | ||
| It was for HBO, but not compared to, like, The Big Bang, or compared to Friends, when Friends was on top. | ||
| Seinfeld, must-see TV, all that stuff. | ||
| It's just amazing that those things are still viable. | ||
| And I wonder if that's always going to be the case. | ||
| If there's always going to be people who like bland, like, really easy-to-swallow humor, like, sitcom-y humor... | ||
| I think that generation's going to die out. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| It's just like a fading thing. | ||
| And even that thing about the network app, I think the people that really, really, really are into that type of stuff, it's going to be ten more years before they even know what an app is. | ||
| Apple TV, I think, and those kind of network TVs, I think, are going to really change everything like the iPhone. | ||
| If they make it so that they can't get directly to one of those three channels, If they show them other ways, then yeah, but these people that watch network TV will probably just always watch network TV. They're used to a laugh track. | ||
| They need that. | ||
| Yeah, I think so too. | ||
| I remember a part of Man on the Moon where it's Andy Kaufman, played by Jim Carrey, talking to his manager George Shapiro, played by Danny DeVito. | ||
| And Danny DeVito is his manager, and he goes, I got you the best gig, Andy. | ||
| You're gonna love it. | ||
| And this is in the 70s or whatever, and Andy's like, great, what is it? | ||
| He goes, sitcom, taxi, it's gonna be huge. | ||
| You're gonna love it. | ||
| And he goes, a sitcom with a laugh track, all those dead people laughing? | ||
| You know, those are dead people. | ||
| That's the worst stuff. | ||
| That stuff's not funny. | ||
| And it's amazing to me, you know... | ||
| That he was saying that at the end of the 70s. | ||
| It's 2014 and people are still watching stuff like that. | ||
| Well, that's funny that you say that because I was watching this Hunter S. Thompson documentary the other night. | ||
| I just put it on while I was cleaning my office. | ||
| It's from the BBC. The BBC did a piece on them. | ||
| I'll tell you what it is right here. | ||
| Actually, I don't have it on this. | ||
| Anyway, it was very apocalyptic, like his take on society and America and where America's headed. | ||
| And this is in the early 70s they did this thing. | ||
| Maybe the late 70s at the very latest. | ||
| It was in the 80s, though. | ||
| You're watching this guy who's now committed suicide, he's dead, this brilliant writer, who's seeing the shift from the 60s to the 70s, and he's saying that America's just going downhill. | ||
| We've become this fascist, ridiculous state, and our cultures are eroding, and that... | ||
| You know within you know 10 20 years it's gonna be over for us and now here we are 2014 you know 30 plus years later and Everybody's still kind of saying the same shit. | ||
| You know everybody's still kind of saying you know, hey, it's all it's all falling apart Hey, our culture is disastrous. | ||
| It's it's doom and gloom always I think that what's going on is that there's always going to be a certain amount What is this? | ||
| Fear and Loathing and... | ||
| On the Road to Hollywood? | ||
| Is that the BBC documentary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I think there's always going to be a certain amount of people that think that the world is ending, the sky is falling, and there's going to be a certain amount of bullshit that goes on always. | ||
| There's always going to be people trying to correct for all the evils of the world, whether it's war or crime or this or that. | ||
| There's always going to be that, and then there's always going to be an adjustment period where you have... | ||
| A bunch of police brutality cases and then someone figures out a way to stop the police from behaving that way and then, you know, things get better. | ||
| It's gonna be like horrible war and then people protest the horrible war and then it gets better. | ||
| It seems like these ideas that it's all going to fall apart and society's going to collapse. | ||
| I think all that shit happened, the society collapsing, back when people didn't understand that society could collapse. | ||
| Now we have so much detailed history on what it takes for a society to become like Rome when Rome fell, what it takes for a society to become one of these archetypal societies that people talk about when the ancient Greeks or the Romans or any of these When we talk about a society that was on top of everything, had all of these scholars and all these intelligent people, and then collapsed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's going to be interesting to see what the next big one like that is, because it's going to have technology and robots and a whole bunch of crazy stuff. | ||
| Like, way down the road, but there's going to be some crazy stuff. | ||
| It's not even far away. | ||
| I think the technology, robots, all that shit, where things are going to be so much weirder than they are today, it's going to happen so fast. | ||
| If you listen to Ray Kurzweil and these futurist guys, their take on it is always so enlightening because everybody wants to think of it as... | ||
| Like, you know, when we were kids, we had VCRs, and now we have Netflix. | ||
| What a jump, what a leap. | ||
| But the leap really has been within the past few years. | ||
| The past few years have been bigger leaps than they were from the VCR to the internet. | ||
| Like, the leaps are getting crazier. | ||
| There's a fucking app that they came out with for Google Face or Google Glasses that recognizes your moods. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| It recognizes your fucking mood. | ||
| Like, if I come up to you with this goo-goo-glass... | ||
| I can't even say... | ||
| goo-goo-glass. | ||
| I'm just gonna call it goo-goo-glass. | ||
| If I come up to you with this app installed and wearing Google Glasses, it tells me if you're happy. | ||
| It tells me if you're angry. | ||
| It analyzes your face. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That's some fuck creepy as shit, man. | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| A lot of cameras have something like that already built in with the smile detection, like where you point a camera and it will take a picture when it detects that you're smiling. | ||
| Oh, okay, but that's not reading like mood. | ||
| It's just detecting a certain movement of your face. | ||
| This fucking stupid thing is actually trying to, like, look at someone's face and decide. | ||
| You know that gross thing that really cheesy dudes do to chicks? | ||
| They go, hey, doesn't hurt to smile. | ||
| You know, it actually, uh, more muscles are involved in frowning than they are in smile. | ||
| It takes more energy to frown than it does to smile. | ||
| Hey, you know, why not smile? | ||
| You know, that thing, that gross thing that dudes do to chicks. | ||
| Have you ever seen a guy do that? | ||
| Sort of, yeah. | ||
| Makes you fucking embarrassed to be a man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's going to be way more commonplace. | ||
| People are going to be doing that all the time now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, my Google Glasses recognizes you're not in the best mood right now. | |
| Hey, my Google Glasses says you're depressed. | ||
| Do you need a hug? | ||
| Because I'm here. | ||
| You know, just take a chance. | ||
| I'm a good guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you wearing Google Glasses or are you just happy to see me? | |
| That's totally wrong. | ||
| You got it the wrong way. | ||
| So what is this? | ||
| This is the video, the Google Glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shure on Google Glass. | |
| Detect the information behind. | ||
| See this for the first time. | ||
| Facial analysis on Google Glass. | ||
| Look at this, zooming up on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is based on Fraunhofer's proprietary Shure software library. | |
| Let's have a look at how it works. | ||
| Shore processes high-resolution video in real-time on the glass CPU. Does it only work on nerdy chicks? | ||
| Shore can detect basic emotions or do variance detection. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In addition to that, it does age estimation and gender recognition. | |
| Age estimation and gender recognition. | ||
| What if you're a really good-looking older transsexual man? | ||
| You think it'll get you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
At the time of this beta, this has only worked on white people. | |
| That is a beautiful old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As you can see, Shure is not limited to a single face. | |
| Ugh, angry hipster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shure respects other people's privacy. | |
| There is no recognition of faces, and none of the images leaves the device. | ||
| Fuck you, it doesn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's not all. | |
| Our Shure technology can do even more helpful things not shown in this demonstration. | ||
| Valance recognition for very subtle reactions. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Head pose estimation. | ||
| Eye blink detection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was just a demo of the Shore Library. | |
| The software is not available in an app store. | ||
| This looks like a pirate and his hostage. | ||
| It's not available in an app store. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's now, maybe, now available? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not ready yet. | |
| Not ready? | ||
| Oh, it might be bullshit. | ||
| That might have been just like a, like, we might have got fucking pranked. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It says it's not available in an app store? | ||
| Because it seems so fake. | ||
| If I saw that years ago, I would say that's total bullshit because that technology was so alien, the idea of it. | ||
| But now, after the Google Glass thing... | ||
| You might not be able to tell by the smile on my face, but I'd be really disappointed if that's not real. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's just seeing if your mouth moves side to side and if it's frowning. | ||
| But some people cry happy tears and some people smile when they're furious. | ||
| About to kill you. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Oh, he's super happy. | ||
| Keep joking with this guy. | ||
| You look in at Ted Bundy's car. | ||
| Seems like a nice guy. | ||
| The happy bar gets full. | ||
| Yeah, happy. | ||
| Good cheekbones. | ||
| Guy's smiling. | ||
| He's got a clown mask. | ||
| How come his door doesn't have an inside handle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's got a knife in his trunk. | ||
| I'm sure that's for cutting birthday cake. | ||
| He's a happy guy. | ||
| What's with all the duct tape? | ||
| I hope. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| But one day they're going to get really good at it to the point where they will be able to detect. | ||
| It's going to really be able to show. | ||
| You're going to be able to detect not just that. | ||
| You're going to be able to detect people's thoughts. | ||
| It's going to start out with moods, but eventually you're going to be able to see graphic representations of what a person's thinking. | ||
| You'll be able to tune. | ||
| They'll be able to figure out. | ||
| I think the way they're going to have to do it is... | ||
| I've been thinking about this a lot. | ||
| You know how there was no cameras, and then they became cameras? | ||
| Like, when we were young, there was no way that you could ever imagine that someone was going to carry around a camera all the time. | ||
| Like, you wouldn't think of that. | ||
| You saw a camera, it was around someone's waist, or someone's neck, rather. | ||
| And they would have to hold it up and take that picture. | ||
| It wasn't just simply, like, this little phone thing that we're going on now. | ||
| That's a big leap. | ||
| The big leap of having cameras in your pocket at all times. | ||
| And if you went back before the invention of the camera, if you went way, way back to like, you know, back in the days when there was just paintings and drawings and things along those lines, they could have never imagined that you'd be able to make video from a little tiny slender device that you stick in your pocket. | ||
| They would have thought you were the devil if you showed them that. | ||
| And now this phone that you can take video with and go online with and take photographs, now it's become a part of you. | ||
| It's become a part of who you are. | ||
| It's like it's a symbiotic thing. | ||
| You keep it with you. | ||
| You never leave the house without it. | ||
| When you do, you freak out. | ||
| I think they're going to come up with something that stores your memory better than you do. | ||
| Are they going to say, we have, and it'll probably be like an addition, like an upgrade to the human memory banks. | ||
| Like a memory card? | ||
| Yeah, like a memory card, but that shows you crystal clear video of what you saw. | ||
| So, like, you know how if you had to pull, like, yesterday out of your memory banks? | ||
| You'd be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| What did I do? | ||
| Okay, I got up. | ||
| This is what I had for breakfast. | ||
| But it's all blurry as fuck, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're going to be able to get it so that it's exact. | ||
| Well, you'll be able to rewind and play it back. | ||
| Google Glasses. | ||
| What did I do yesterday at 1245? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ding. | ||
| Ding. | ||
| And then you're going to be able to share that with other people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to be able to share your day. | ||
| What I'm wondering is if it'll ever get to the point where we're paying for our privacy. | ||
| You know, like, once everything's all wired in and, you know, once your Google glasses are in a cloud with what you looked up on the internet that day and you're walking by somebody with Google glasses and, you know what I mean, like, they walk by and it's like, you know, a bubble pops up over their head they walk by and it's like, you know, a bubble pops up over their head and, you know, this guy was looking at, you know, It's like, whoa, that stranger was looking at clown porn. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But, like, if they paid $10 a month or something that other people wouldn't be able to know what they know. | ||
| Like, I'm wondering how fast and how far it's really going to go because I think about it a lot, too, because I love pot. | ||
| And I think there's something about pot that makes you love thinking about the future, especially technology. | ||
| Because, I mean, it's all happening. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| And privacy and phone calls, things backed up can know everything. | ||
| You can find out everything about somebody. | ||
| Their daily habits, everything. | ||
| Have you seen this thing about the cell phone towers that they don't believe are really cell phone towers? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's cell phone towers that they've located that don't seem to be transmitting cell phone data, and they've gone to them with these devices that try to read, and what they think is going on is these cell phone towers are actually tapping into phone calls and recording your information. | ||
| Like, say if the police want to find out where Tony Hinchcliffe is right now. | ||
| And, you know, you could use the GPS on the phone and, you know, find out that he's on the 405 and he's headed to San Diego and, you know, and then they go, okay, we're going to tap into his phone. | ||
| So they can tune in through that tower and listen to your phone calls. | ||
| You're like, I got the fucking heroin. | ||
| The dude's all duct taped in the trunk. | ||
| I've got 15 different handguns that are all illegal. | ||
| Everyone's laughing on the other end. | ||
| Well, the cops are listening to the entire conversation. | ||
| They can do that. | ||
| There was a tower that just went up in my backyard the other day. | ||
| Out of nowhere, there was no construction. | ||
| Out of nowhere, just... | ||
| CIA! Black helicopters! | ||
| They've been doing this, Brian, for a long time! | ||
| That was fun getting to meet him. | ||
| And it has two antennas on the top that look like Wi-Fi antennas. | ||
| You can't see them in this picture, but then there's a solar panel. | ||
| And we have overhead lines, power lines in our neighborhood, so they're above ground, and there's no power going to it. | ||
| So that means whatever this is is just running on solar, and it has antennas and a weird box on the side of it. | ||
| It's probably nothing. | ||
| I mean, you're freaking out about it. | ||
| Why don't you just find out what it is? | ||
| I bet it has a number on it you can call or something. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| For rating problems, go here. | ||
| Did you try to research what it is? | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| Why don't you take a photo of it and put it up on Twitter? | ||
| Take that picture and what they say. | ||
| What do people say? | ||
| People are pointing towards that article. | ||
| That's the only thing that people have been saying. | ||
| Yeah, but see, people do that if you don't really know what the fuck it is. | ||
| It might be that, though. | ||
| Yeah, who knows? | ||
| I'm not even saying it's that. | ||
| I'm just saying it was really odd because one day it was there, one day it wasn't, and it was just in my neighbor's backyard. | ||
| I wonder if they can do that. | ||
| Can you take a cell phone tower and attach it to an electrical pole? | ||
| Or does it have to have its own stand-alone sort of thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know anything about it, but I would think that the electricity would maybe fuck with it. | ||
| All that power going through those lines. | ||
| If they don't let us turn on, if they make us turn off our cell phones when the plane's about to take off, I don't think they could put a cell phone tower on an electrical. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a stupid thing, that whole turn off your electronic devices. | ||
| That's all been disproven now, so that's why everybody's allowed to use iPods and shit and iPads right up until the time you land. | ||
| But you're still not allowed to use Bluetooth. | ||
| Like, if you have those Bluetooth headsets, like there was a dude in front of me on the airplane the other day, he had the Bluetooth headset, and they told him he couldn't have it on. | ||
| He couldn't have it on while the plane, because it could interfere with communications. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's probably bullshit, too. | ||
| It's not bullshit. | ||
| They probably just don't know any better, and they just say it, because they just want to tell you to shut something off, and they can't do that anymore. | ||
| I think it's also for planning things. | ||
| So you can't have like a Bluetooth headpiece and you're sitting in the front row and I'm in the back row and we're all kind of communicating like, hey, you know, like terrorist stuff also. | ||
| Do they work like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Wouldn't you, if you had to communicate with somebody else on the plane? | ||
| Yeah, but a Bluetooth headset, as far as I'm aware, all it does is communicate with an actual device, like a phone. | ||
| You'd have to be talking on the phone to someone in the back of the plane. | ||
| I don't think you can communicate through Bluetooth, can you? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can connect Bluetooth to Bluetooth and stuff like that. | ||
| But can you connect Bluetooth to Bluetooth and talk? | ||
| Like, if you had... | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| I think you need some sort of a transmission device. | ||
| I think, like, if you had a Bluetooth headset on and I had a Bluetooth headset on, we couldn't just connect our headsets and communicate with each other. | ||
| We would have to do it through a device, right? | ||
| I don't know how that Bluetooth stuff works. | ||
| I've never had one. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| Well, even if you couldn't, you probably will be able to, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Within a year or so. | ||
| They'll figure it out. | ||
| It's all happening so goddamn fast. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It looks like there's Bluetooth headset walkie-talkies on Amazon. | ||
| Oh, it's a walkie-talkie. | ||
| And it's just a little earpiece that's in your ear. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's the whole device? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Whoa, that's scary. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I've got to get your video up. | ||
| Look at how small this is. | ||
| Wireless invisible earpiece. | ||
| Bluetooth earpiece. | ||
| Wow, that looks like an actual tooth. | ||
| Well, that's when someone can talk to you through a walkie-talkie, though. | ||
| I used those when I was on Fear Factor. | ||
| They've had those forever. | ||
| They used to use radios, and now they use Bluetooth. | ||
| But all that is, is allowing you to talk. | ||
| You have to have a walkie-talkie on you. | ||
| On you. | ||
| And it connects to the walkie-talkie. | ||
| Mine used to connect with a radio frequency. | ||
| I'd wear like a backpack, like a battery pack, rather, this little communication pack. | ||
| And it would work that way. | ||
| But someone else on the other end had to have a communication device. | ||
| They had a walkie-talkie, and they were talking through that, and it would go directly to me. | ||
| And I couldn't talk to them, except for the fact that I was hardwired with a microphone that also had a radio frequency that went to a box. | ||
| In the box, there was a sound guy that was there, and it would go through them and through their... | ||
| the entire cast was wired up. | ||
| So all, and you could turn each microphone on or off, but that requires a lot of equipment. | ||
| You know, you got a lot of different shit going on there. | ||
| What I'm saying is, if someone has a Bluetooth headset on, just a Bluetooth headset, if they don't have a phone that's on, you're not talking to somebody, and you can't really talk to somebody on a phone when you're on an airplane. | ||
| Here's one that looks like you can do it. | ||
| It looks like a walkie-talkie thing. | ||
| And it says that it has two-way walkie-talkie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Up to 84,000 feet. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So they're basically saying that's what it does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who makes that one? | ||
| Bluetooth? | ||
| Callpod.com. | ||
| Onyx, it looks like. | ||
| Callpod. | ||
| Onyx is the name of it? | ||
| And I'm not even saying it's that. | ||
| I'm just saying that... | ||
| But that is a walkie-talkie. | ||
| Yeah, that might be something that... | ||
| So it already does exist. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's insane because Bluetooth already makes people look crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on a second. | |
| What? | ||
| Yeah, but they have radios. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, these are walkie-talkies. | ||
| What we're saying is that this little thing that that person had in their ear, that that itself is a walkie-talkie. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| That's that little. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how far that transmits, though, because Bluetooth to Bluetooth, you can't really communicate very far. | ||
| This is 84,000 feet. | ||
| That's in the air, they're saying. | ||
| Does that mean distance? | ||
| No, they don't mean in the air, because planes don't get that high. | ||
| That's space. | ||
| That's like three times what a plane goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a square foot. | |
| Square feet, 84,000 feet. | ||
| Oh, so, okay. | ||
| So, it transmits 84,000 feet. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| 30,000 feet is a flight. | ||
| So, 84,000 feet is like more than a mile. | ||
| How many thousand feet is a mile? | ||
| 5,000? | ||
| 5,000 feet is a mile, right? | ||
| Damn, that's pretty insane. | ||
| So you could be, like, essentially down at Jerry's Deli having a meal, and I can talk to you in real time through these goofy ass... | ||
| We should buy these and test this. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| What is the company name again? | ||
| CallPod? | ||
| That's where I think... | ||
| That's where it's sold. | ||
| It's Onyx. | ||
|
unidentified
|
O-N-Y-X. O-N-Y-X. Hmm. | |
| So it's like walkie-talkies, except you keep one in your ear. | ||
| But how does it pick up what you're saying? | ||
| You just can roam up to 164 feet away. | ||
| That's not that far. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I thought we had miles. | ||
| From your smartphone. | ||
| So it has to have a smartphone? | ||
| No, no, that's just for smartphones, if you want to use it as a headset for your smartphone. | ||
| Yeah, this is what it says. | ||
| With our proprietary two-way walkie-talkie functionality, you can also connect the Onyx to any other CallPod Bluetooth headset and communicate up to 84,000 square feet while you're still connected to your mobile phone. | ||
| Oh, you have to be connected to your mobile phone. | ||
| That's why you can't use Bluetooth. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not sure what this is saying, though. | ||
| You can connect to any other CallPod Bluetooth headset and communicate up to 84,000 square feet while you are still connected to your mobile phone. | ||
| It's just saying that you could still use it and do the walkie-talkie at the same time. | ||
| Like, if you're still connected to your phone, you could still use it as the walkie-talkie. | ||
| Right, like you don't have to disconnect. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta find out if this really works. | ||
| Alright, we're gonna have to buy these bitches. | ||
| We'll buy them and we'll broadcast. | ||
| Can we do that? | ||
| I wonder if we could get it so that we could put the earpiece up to the microphone and you could go out in the parking lot and talk to us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| Put it right up there and see if it works. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Over. | ||
| You have to say over though. | ||
| Red Band, over. | ||
| We got Smokey in the Bush. | ||
| Over. | ||
| Smokey in the Bush. | ||
| Remember when everybody was all excited because they had those fucking, those stupid walkie-talkie phones? | ||
| Those were the dumbest ever. | ||
| Those Nextel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everybody wanted them. | ||
| They wanted to be like a fucking walkie-talkie guy. | ||
| When we were in high school, we didn't have cell phones or phones, so we all had CB radios in our car, and we all had the humongous antennas on the top of your car. | ||
| You had a CB? Oh, yeah, but it was cool because we all lived within a couple miles of each other, so we can just use it as a cell phone before there were cell phones and just be driving around in our car being like, where are you at? | ||
| You want to go smoke some weed at the church? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're probably all on police frequencies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah, we got that. | ||
| I think two kids are about to go smoke weed at a church. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, how about those police scanners? | ||
| You ever go over to someone's house and they got a police scanner going on all the time? | ||
| I got one on my phone. | ||
| I listen to it all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean like those real ones that people have in their home. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those are weird. | ||
| Just the domestic violence network. | ||
| We have another beating hammer. | ||
| Just something weird about people that want to constantly be in tune with all the crime that's going on around them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's probably guys that wanted to be in the police force but couldn't pass the psych examinations. | ||
| Oh man, what's that fire truck going by for? | ||
| I need to figure it out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to know when all these assholes in my neighborhood are up to no good. | |
| I just saw an ambulance and I need to know what's going on. | ||
| I do it sometimes when I like listening to it. | ||
| I think it's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I guess so. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, look, voyeurism and being able to rubberneck crimes and stuff. | ||
| One of the things they're saying is they're going to try to, in L.A., they're going to try to raise up the walls in between the two lanes, the north and the southbound lanes, because people rubberneck so much and it causes so much traffic. | ||
| Oh, it's insane. | ||
| Yeah, it's really frustrating when you get somewhere and you realize that the only reason why everyone drove slow is because some shit went on the other side of the fucking highway. | ||
| Like, you fucking selfish cunts. | ||
| If it's not in the middle of the highway, then it should not slow us down. | ||
| But everybody wants to see. | ||
| Everybody should just get CB radios and keep driving at 75 miles an hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that's going to help. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| The only thing that's going to help LA is if there's multiple layers. | ||
| We would need several layers of highways. | ||
| You could drive up to the upper highway if you really weren't scared of earthquakes. | ||
| Or if you wanted to be on the top. | ||
| So if the earthquake happened, you ride that bitch down to the bottom and crush everybody below you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know in Silicon Valley where that one dude had a really skinny car? | ||
| It was like a one person car. | ||
| It almost looked like a piece of bread. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| Imagine if a car like a Mini Cooper was cut in half. | ||
| Did he make it himself? | ||
| No, it was just kind of a joke. | ||
| Like that guy's so rich and look at his car how skinny it is. | ||
| He's like, I don't want to listen to your idea. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| And he gets in this tiny little... | ||
| Because it's Silicon Valley and it's all just... | ||
| Oh, you're talking about the TV show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| But what if we all had just one person cars in the future? | ||
| Because motorcycles get to go in between cars, so what if we just had really skinny cars? | ||
| Yeah, that's a death trap. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| There doesn't even have a lot of room for error if somebody hits you. | ||
| That's the thing that everybody's looking at. | ||
| When you see a Volvo, guaranteed there's a pussy in that car. | ||
| Someone in there is terrified of crashes. | ||
| That's just how it is with Volvos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got a six-star safety rating, and I just can't get hit out here. | |
| Meanwhile, Joey Diaz drives a Volvo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, cocksucker, you're the best fucking car you're ever going to have. | |
| I like Tate in a Volvo, too, so there goes my theory. | ||
| My theory sucks. | ||
| But so many of those people that do drive those things are super safety conscious because that's one of the things that all their commercials were geared to. | ||
| Yeah, this is a boring-ass car. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not fast, but look what happens when you throw it off a cliff. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| They build those things to withstand nuclear blasts. | ||
| If you got one of those, you're not going to trade that shit in for a fucking motorcycle. | ||
| Super safe. | ||
| They only go 45 miles an hour, but it's so safe. | ||
| They go normal speeds now. | ||
| They're pretty fast cars. | ||
| I mean, there's not much difference. | ||
| When you get to, like, the high-end cars, I mean, there's a difference as far as, like, one of them handles more comfortably, but modern cars are so goddamn good. | ||
| They're so much better. | ||
| Like, that car that we had in Denver, that Hellcat, that's a 707 horsepower American car. | ||
| A ridiculous car. | ||
| That was unheard of 20 years ago. | ||
| I literally grew chest hair while sitting in that thing. | ||
| Some people use that as a figure of speech, like, oh, put hair on my chest. | ||
| I looked in the hotel room when I was showering after that, and I had more chest hair. | ||
| It's three times the car I've ever been in. | ||
| That sound. | ||
| But the point is, that didn't exist. | ||
| It wasn't even possible. | ||
| Like, when you got a really fast car from 1970, it had like 400 horsepower. | ||
| And it was just a death trap. | ||
| Terrible brakes, no handling. | ||
| It was like an elephant on roller skates. | ||
| And that's what it was like. | ||
| Every way you want, plowing into shit, barely able to stop. | ||
| The cars today are just infinitely better. | ||
| So if you took a Volvo today, which you consider like a super safe car, very boring, and took it around a racetrack with like a 1970 Challenger, it would bury that car. | ||
| It would just fucking run circles around it and braking, handling, everything. | ||
| You'd be like, whoa, Volvo's the greatest fucking hot rod ever. | ||
| No, it's just old cars sucked a fat one. | ||
| Old cars, they're just clunky-ass, shitty technology. | ||
| That Hellcat Challenger, it's 700 horsepower. | ||
| 700. That means that the equivalent of that back in the day would be a carriage being pulled by 700 horses and just one guy in this carriage in the back. | ||
| It was, hello. | ||
| But not even that. | ||
| Because if you did have a carriage pulled by 700 horses and right next to it you had a Challenger, the Challenger would fucking blow by that. | ||
| It would be gone. | ||
| It wouldn't even be close. | ||
| The race would last as much time as it takes for the challenger to drive past the horses. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Once it got to the 700th horse, it's gone. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how I understand horsepower. | ||
| Some horses are bigger, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It has anything to do with horses, really? | ||
| I think originally. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I'd imagine a horse is one horsepower. | ||
| Yeah, but some horses win the Kentucky Derby and other ones fall on their fat, stupid faces. | ||
| I'm surprised they don't have that for other things. | ||
| A bicycle, how many cat power is that? | ||
| Oh, I was thinking, man, that's the other place that we've got to do a podcast. | ||
| We've got to do a podcast from the Kentucky Derby. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In reference to Hunter S. Thompson's, one of his greatest books, or his greatest pieces, was the Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved. | ||
| It's a fucking great, great piece. | ||
| Where it's like he went to the Kentucky Derby and then, you know, like was... | ||
| Essentially, they were mocking all the people that were there. | ||
| He was categorizing all the monsters that were there, but by the end of the piece, he realized he was one of them. | ||
| They're all fucked up, and they're at the Kentucky Derby, and they realize we're no better than any of these savages that are here. | ||
| Measurements of power. | ||
| horsepower. | ||
| It's the unit of measurement of power the rate of which work is done. | ||
| The most common conversion factor especially for electrical power is one horsepower equals 746 watts. | ||
| The term was adopted in the late 18th century by Scottish engineer James Watt to compare the output of steam engines with the power of draft horses. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| It was later expanded to include the output power of other types of piston engines as well as turbines, electric motors, Hmm, that's interesting. | ||
| use the SI unit watt for the measurement of power with the implementation of the EU directive blah blah blah blah blah blah blah huh that's interesting In the EU, the European Union, the use of horsepower is only permitted as a supplementary unit. | ||
| Like when you look at cars, you know, like if you look at an American car, 700 horsepower, 700 horses under the trunk or under the hood. | ||
| If you look at European cars, like on European websites, they have it listed as like watts and kilowatts of power. | ||
| It's really kind of weird. | ||
| Like Land Rover. | ||
| Here's a perfect one because it's an English company. | ||
| If you go to their website and you read what they have, it's really kind of interesting. | ||
| You try to make sense of what is a what? | ||
| How much is in that? | ||
| Like a Land Rover Defender is their version of a Jeep. | ||
| Dimensions and capabilities. | ||
| Engine and performance here. | ||
| Yeah, engine speed at maximum torque. | ||
| They have torque, newton meters. | ||
| Like, it doesn't say horsepower. | ||
| The power in kilowatts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kilowatts, KW slash PS. I thought kilowatts was just a Back to the Future thing. | |
| Oh no, that's gigawatts. | ||
| That's the necessary thing. | ||
| Yeah, a Land Rover Defender, which is like their version of the Jeep, has a 90 kilowatt, 122 PS power rating. | ||
| So that's how they do it in England. | ||
| They hate America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what's going on. | ||
| You know horsepower sounds better, you silly Brits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because whenever you read about a Ferrari or a Porsche, it's always in horsepower. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You silly fucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| European Union. | ||
| Oh, we just... | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| We go by the what system. | ||
| But it is a smarter way to do it, really. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Why do you think we do it that way, Joe? | ||
| I mean, it makes sense. | ||
| What the fuck is a horse doing, measuring a car? | ||
| It's so American. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so dopey. | |
| How many power of horses is it? | ||
| Yeah, we're goofy as fuck. | ||
| We really are. | ||
| We're so goofy with inches, too. | ||
| Like, when I was a kid, they legitimately tried to introduce the metric system to schools. | ||
| And I remember people being like, fuck off! | ||
| Just throwing the rulers at the teacher. | ||
| They were just not buying it, man. | ||
| I mean, that was in my lifetime. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| They were trying to introduce the metric system. | ||
| Just like they were trying to introduce soccer. | ||
| It was very similar. | ||
| And people were like, no, no, not having it. | ||
| The metric system, though, is so much better. | ||
| Everything is intense. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| When we do fights in other countries, in England, England's the weirdest because they still go by stone. | ||
| Do you know what a stone is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, if you were being measured, you'd be, Stan's 11 stone! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How much is a stone? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's find out. | |
| Why would they do stones and not horsepower? | ||
| I mean, horses are pretty much a lot closer than stones. | ||
| Sometimes there's a huge stone. | ||
| I think a stone is like 14 pounds or 13 pounds. | ||
| Oh, dude, I'm only like six stones. | ||
| Okay, in many northwestern European countries, the stone was formerly used for trade with a value ranging from about 5 to 40 local pounds. | ||
| With the advent of metrication from the mid-19th century on, it was superseded by the kilogram. | ||
| It remained in limited use for trade in the United Kingdom and in Ireland until prohibited by the Weights and Measures Act of 1985. Okay, yeah, it's 14 pounds. | ||
| But they still use it for weighing in fighters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When fighters weigh in, Does Bruce Buffer say that? | |
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he doesn't say it. | ||
| He doesn't really say it. | ||
| I actually say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| The guy says it to me. | ||
| The guy will say it to me. | ||
| You know, 14 stone. | ||
| But when Bruce Buffer... | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's during weigh-ins. | ||
| I think Bruce Buffer does say it, though, when they... | ||
| I'm not sure if he still does. | ||
| If there's an actual... | ||
| During the actual, like, fight announcement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But at the weigh-in, I would have to say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I would have to say, like, one stone, ten pounds. | ||
| You know, 155, you know, with X amount of stones. | ||
| What is that, ten stone, like, not quite eleven stone? | ||
| This is fucking so strange. | ||
| Ten stone, nine pounds. | ||
| You know, you'd say shit like that. | ||
| Wow, that is a weird unit. | ||
| They stopped doing that after a while, though, and they had me just read off the weights. | ||
| Like, I don't read the kilos anymore, either. | ||
| Like, if someone says 155, it's 155. Like, this is, like, it's too confusing for American fans. | ||
| 86 kilos! | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Let me get to a computer! | ||
| You should start guessing the fighter's horsepower and announcing that. | ||
| Weighing in at six stone and 140 horsepower. | ||
| You know what's interesting is that that's kind of silly, but it's true, in fact, that the guys with the more horsepower, they run out of gas quicker because it's very relative. | ||
| Yeah, they have more muscle. | ||
| The blood's got to get there. | ||
| Like there's a certain amount of horsepower you need and then after that it's kind of ridiculous. | ||
| It's like the same with a race car. | ||
| Like if you have a car and it's a GT car, like if you're going around like the Nurburgring or something like that, like a real windy course with a lot of handling, you don't necessarily want like a thousand horsepower engine in your car. | ||
| You want as much engine as your suspension can handle. | ||
| And when it comes to, like, miles per hour and miles per gallon, you want, like, a balance between the two. | ||
| You want an engine that produces plenty of horsepower, but not so much horsepower that it burns up all your fuel in 30 minutes and you lose the race because everybody keeps going and you're done. | ||
| You're out of gas. | ||
| That's true with a body, too. | ||
| Like, when you see, like, some dude who's got just giant fucking massive muscles, the reality is that shit is a... | ||
| And a small gas tank. | ||
| And there's no other way around it. | ||
| That's how the human body is. | ||
| There's a balancing act going on. | ||
| So that guy could get you if he gets you quick. | ||
| But if the shit gets dragged into the third, fourth, and fifth rounds, that guy might be toast. | ||
| He might have a goddamn heart attack in there. | ||
| You ever find out what happened to that guy's ribs from Saturday? | ||
| That Potts guy? | ||
| He got fucked up. | ||
| Was that like 17 punches in the ribs? | ||
| Oh, way more than that. | ||
| Oh my god, it was insane. | ||
| He took 67 unanswered body shots. | ||
| That's what it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Through both, two or three rounds, whatever many rounds it was, the fight where it was stopped. | ||
| He kept covering his head, but he left his body open, and I remember the guy just kept hitting that same spot. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| The whole fight was very sloppy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was not a good fight. | ||
| I just, you know, it's unfortunate but true that the larger guys, like a lot of the larger guys, like the skill levels just not, does not compare. | ||
| And it's not because, like, they're not capable of moving right, because, like, look at the way, like, a guy like... | ||
| Like, a super athlete moves. | ||
| You know, look at a way, like... | ||
| You know, pick your favorite basketball player. | ||
| Right, LeBron James. | ||
| LeBron James, probably the biggest super athlete in the world, right? | ||
| Look at the way that guy moves. | ||
| Now, if that guy was an MMA fighter, do you think he would move like those guys? | ||
| No, he'd move like he is. | ||
| He's a super athlete. | ||
| Those guys, like, especially Potts, he just, like, was real stiff and awkward. | ||
| It was just shitty technique. | ||
| Like, that's just not... | ||
| That's not indicative of what you'd expect from a high-level athlete. | ||
| I think that was the real problem with that fight. | ||
| The other dude's good. | ||
| Well, the way that it finished was what blew my mind. | ||
| I mean, just watching a man take heavyweight shots to the ribs, and especially the same spot, I was noticing when the guy's hand would pick up, and he'd wind up, he would hit. | ||
| In that exact same little square diameter that his fist was before. | ||
| And of all the stuff I've seen live, I don't think I've seen anything like that. | ||
| Well, it's just because the guy did a shit job of defending. | ||
| But Anthony Hamilton's a good fighter. | ||
| He's a very good fighter. | ||
| But it was his first fight. | ||
| It was his first UFC bout. | ||
| He moved so much better. | ||
| You could see the way he moved. | ||
| Just the way he was able to physically move back and forth. | ||
| That's a big thing with heavyweights, just how much athleticism do they have? | ||
| I mean, how much of it is just sheer size and bulk and horsepower, and how much of it is athleticism? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been watching some pro wrestling lately. | ||
| I bet you have, fuck. | ||
| He totally predicted what was going to happen with his John Cena, Brock Lesnar. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You knew the thing played out. | ||
| Oh, no doubt about it. | ||
| Brock Lesnar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You played it out long in advance, perfectly. | ||
| You knew exactly how it was going to go down. | ||
| And you're saying that it sets up something in the future. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| They offered me a full-time writing job. | ||
| I can talk about it now, because I'm not getting it. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| But a couple months ago, they offered me a full-time job to move to Stamford, Connecticut. | ||
| After one meeting. | ||
| A meeting like this, that was about an hour and a half. | ||
| At the end, they go, how would you feel about moving to Stamford, Connecticut for one year? | ||
| A job with the WWE writing on the creative side and I go, I'm gonna have to think about that and it didn't pan out. | ||
| Because I didn't want to move to Stamford, Connecticut and work a nine-to-five, even though it was really good money and everything. | ||
| You'd drive to LA or drive to New York rather than still do spots? | ||
| Yeah, which turns out it's just a 45-minute drive. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| But the job is very grueling, the WWE thing. | ||
| It's not like a TV comedy writing job. | ||
| I'd have to answer to Vince McMahon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tony, what did you do, get stoned before writing this idea? | |
| Do you think that's what he would say? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What would you say to him? | ||
| I'd say, yeah, I was stoned when I wrote all the great ideas that you like, sir. | ||
| Well, you have a point. | ||
| You think Vince would try to get you on steroids? | ||
| He'd probably try to get me to eat beef. | ||
| Every chance he gets. | ||
| He brought in Bryson. | ||
| This is from my ranch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I shot this myself this morning. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, was it good money? | ||
| Like serious money? | ||
| Super serious money. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Insanely serious money. | ||
| And you came close. | ||
| I was happy to get the offer. | ||
| I took it as a victory. | ||
| And I love what I do. | ||
| I love what I'm doing. | ||
| And it might be crazy. | ||
| I'll never regret it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think you regret it right now. | ||
| I'm looking in your eyes. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's kind of a dream job for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of, but then again, what I do is sort of a dream job, too, and giving up this dream job for that dream job would be crazy. | ||
| But you wouldn't have to give up this dream job. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's a grueling, creepy job, unfortunately. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| If it was, if the word on the streets was, man, writing for the WWE is the coolest, you can do anything, I would have taken it, and I would have lived in New York, and it would have been amazing. | ||
| I would have traveled... | ||
| To Stanford 45 minutes every morning on a subway instead of living in Stanford. | ||
| Yeah, it would have been amazing. | ||
| It was stupid, the amount of money. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to live in Stanford. | ||
| You know what the problem with Connecticut is? | ||
| It's not really a state. | ||
| I mean, it is a state, but let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You live on a highway between Boston and New York. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's like they put some houses on the side of the highway and they call it a town. | ||
| But that's what's really going on. | ||
| Nothing's being done there. | ||
| Nothing's being made there. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| You got the Glenn Beck show and the WWE. That's your entire state economy. | ||
| Of course there's some other things. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| Don't get all fucking all Stanford-y on me. | ||
| Don't get, like, all attached and proud of Connecticut. | ||
| Connecticut Pride! | ||
| We gotta fucking email, Joe! | ||
| Connecticut Pride! | ||
| Connecticut sucks. | ||
| You know it sucks, and I know it sucks. | ||
| There's some great houses there, some nice neighborhoods. | ||
| Crazy neighborhoods, for sure. | ||
| My friend Tommy Jr., one of my best friends, lives in Connecticut. | ||
| He tells me it sucks. | ||
| I trust him. | ||
| It's not a good spot. | ||
| When I used to drive there, from Boston to New York, I would always think, like, why are people stopping here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| WWE. But a lot of people like David Letterman lived in Connecticut and drove into the city to do his show. | ||
| That's how he did it. | ||
| Yeah, but he's like reclusive, you know? | ||
| He needs to be away from everybody. | ||
| He's weird like that. | ||
| And you're not. | ||
| You're Mr. Outgoing. | ||
| You're being in that city, partying it up at night, doing a little blow in the morning to pep you up right before class. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| Show up on the campus, give Vince the paperwork that you wrote on the plane over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tony, this storyline makes zero sense. | ||
| What kind of storylines were you planning? | ||
| I know you did. | ||
| I know you thought about it in your head. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I wrote a great storyline where Brock Lesnar, in this past WrestleMania, he beat The Undertaker. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| The Undertaker's had a streak at WrestleMania. | ||
| He never loses at WrestleMania. | ||
| He was 21-0 all-time at WrestleMania. | ||
| 21 years he had never lost in this match against Brock Lesnar. | ||
| It was sort of set up so everybody just assumed The Undertaker would win. | ||
| And then in a stunning move, Brock, towards the end of it, ends up beating The Undertaker for the three count. | ||
| You want to see something funny, look that up. | ||
| Reaction shots of the audience. | ||
| No, don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But this audience was stunned. | ||
| You know what else gets stunned that audience? | ||
| A fucking simple card trick. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, you're fucking being silly as shit. | |
| Okay. | ||
| It's all planned out. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
| It's not obvious. | ||
| It's definitely not. | ||
| If it's planned out, why would it be obvious? | ||
| You told me what was going to happen. | ||
| I know what's going to happen. | ||
| That's me, Joe. | ||
| I'm advanced! | ||
| That's not the arenas. | ||
| Not everybody in the arena was offered a full-time, one-year writing job. | ||
| They don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| So you're an expert in pro wrestling, essentially. | ||
| It was sort of like my replacement for not having a dad when I was a kid. | ||
| I would just sit there and watch these storylines and these guys... | ||
| Do all this crazy stuff. | ||
| Now I'm getting sad. | ||
| I'm sad now. | ||
| It was my dad replacement. | ||
| You totally bummed me out. | ||
| Superfly Snooker was your dad. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| Superfly was one of the biggest things. | ||
| I mean, that's what I was doing off of couches in my tighty-whities when I was a tiny little boy. | ||
| Bob Backlund. | ||
| I remember Bob Backlund, the creator of the Crossface Chicken Wing. | ||
| Which is a great move, man. | ||
| How much fucking time have you invested in this? | ||
| You should get paid by this. | ||
| You should seriously consider taking that job. | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| I would say no to anybody else. | ||
| But you, you like that shit so much, you've always got those fucking books around. | ||
| Like, he reads books on the business of pro wrestling. | ||
| We're on a fucking plane. | ||
| And I look over, there's people reading self-help books, some folks are reading novels, Tony H. is getting a fucking book with the sex and politics. | ||
| Sex, Lies, and Headlocks, the true unauthorized bio of Vince McMahon. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Reading awesomeness about a guy who took a joke of a show and turned it into a billion dollar enterprise and wrote it all himself and is the main creator. | ||
| You should write a book on pro wrestling, dude. | ||
| You should write a book, A Love Affair, Pro Wrestling. | ||
| A Love Affair from Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I was listening to The Opie and Anthony Show, which is no longer The Opie and Anthony Show now. | ||
| It's Opie with Jimmy Norton. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why don't they just call it The Opie and Jimmy Show, but whatever. | ||
| They had this guy on and he's an author. | ||
| He wrote that card movie with Kevin Spacey. | ||
| He's written a bunch of different books. | ||
| His name is Ben Mazurich and he was talking about Russian oligarchs and about what happened, what went down in Russia during the fall of the Soviet Union where Seven to nine people soaked up 50% of the economy of Russia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Seven or nine, somewhere in that number, no more than ten people, literally had 50% of the Russian economy, and they were just killing each other. | ||
| They would kill each other and take over their businesses. | ||
| If you had a competitor, if you were Coke, you would send your army over to kill Pepsi, and then you would just own Pepsi, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was the total, complete Wild Wild West. | |
| I don't know if he's written a book on this, or he's gonna write a book on this, But fucking A, man. | ||
| Listen to that shit. | ||
| I bet he has written a book on it. | ||
| I should find out what the book is. | ||
| Ben Mesrich. | ||
| Ben Mesrich. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I wonder what the direction of the economy and the trends and everything were before that exclusive group of people took that over. | ||
| Because it seems like we're sort of, in a way, heading that direction with our stuff. | ||
| The top whatever percent has such a crazy amount of money compared to the rest of everybody. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's close. | ||
| We're pretty bad, but apparently it's nothing like Russia. | ||
| These Russian oligarchs, they just dominated. | ||
| They just figured out a way to completely dominate the entire economy of a giant country. | ||
| I mean, listening to him talk about it was fascinating. | ||
| The show is different now that Anthony's not there, but Jimmy Norton is so fucking interesting and hysterical, and, you know, and Opie's doing a great job of the two. | ||
| It's still a great show. | ||
| This guy, Ben Mesmerich, was fascinating. | ||
| Fuck Russia, man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They were talking about Putin, about what a gangster Putin had to be to come back and lead the country after he left. | ||
| Like, he led the country, took off, like, they imposed some sort of a term limit, came back, like, no term limit, in back. | ||
| And he's back again. | ||
| Like, this is the second time running the country. | ||
| Like, he installed some sort of a puppet dictator or a puppet leader when he was gone, and then came back, and he's a former KGB agent. | ||
| Like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| You know, there's a guy that, a professional wrestler named Rusev that actually puts Putin on the Megatron, on the Titantron, every time he comes out and really gets the crowd riled up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Oh, Mother Russia, I promise I will defeat my victim for you, and it gets the whole crowd to hate him, and then... | ||
| And then a guy comes out and Rusev usually wins. | ||
| They let the Russian guy win because it drives the crowd crazy. | ||
| And then you think anything can happen after that. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| My favorite thing is to watch you respond to me talk about wrestling. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| For real. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| There's gotta be something wrong with you. | ||
| I wouldn't love it. | ||
| You'd be amazed. | ||
| I'll bet you though, I bet you if I showed you a statistic of UFC fans being WWE fans, I bet you'd be shocked because before the UFC was all over everything, one of the only outlets that, and by the way, I've been with the UFC since the beginning. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean like watching it since the hoist days, since hoist and shamrock and all that. | ||
| And that's because it's, even though it's two totally different things, UFC is obviously an extremely, you know, crazy sport. | ||
| And WWE is completely entertainment with, you know, some injuries from time to time. | ||
| You know, it was an outlet for anybody that wanted some crazy stuff. | ||
| WWE and UFC fans, I bet there's a lot. | ||
| I would bet you that... | ||
| I'm just going to wait until you're done talking before I start attacking you. | ||
| This is my closing statement. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| I'll bet you that at least 70% of UFC fans have been or are a WWE fan at some point. | ||
| 70%. | ||
| I love when people throw a statistic around where they have done zero research. | ||
| Just a random number. | ||
| I believe 70... | ||
| I do it all the time, by the way. | ||
| I'm saying I bet. | ||
| 90% No. | ||
| Look, it's not the goddamn same. | ||
| One of them is real. | ||
| One of them is people that are battling for their life in the most difficult contest in all of sports. | ||
| Another one is some weird fucking jerk-off thing that strange guys do when they sit in front of the TV and pretend they don't know it's fake. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's entertainment. | ||
| No, I know it's fake. | ||
| Everybody knows it's fake. | ||
| You don't want to know. | ||
| You shut that part of your brain off when you watch it. | ||
| You're like a lizard. | ||
| I went to a meeting to take a full-time writer's job. | ||
| I know it's fake. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Even if you wrote it, you would still be there while it happened going, I can't believe it! | ||
| I... I can't believe it! | ||
| Who wrote this? | ||
| He beat The Undertaker! | ||
| You would have your fucking script in your hand and you'd be jumping up and down, spinning around in circles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe Brock beat The Undertaker! | |
| Unreal! | ||
| Incredible! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Worlds collide! | |
| Oh yeah, I never got to finish. | ||
| So I wrote a thing to where Kane, the Undertaker's brother, wrestled Brock Lesnar at this WrestleMania coming up in seven months or so. | ||
| And loses, but Undertaker comes back, Tombstone Pile drives Brock Lesnar, and they walk off together. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Swan song. | ||
| They wave goodbye. | ||
| Now, when you come up with a move for a guy to win with, do you take into consideration at all the health of the person trying to attempt that move? | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| Because when Brock Lesnar did that shooting star press, flipped through the air and landed on his head, I've seen that. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| Anybody who knew about Brock Lesnar who was researching him, very likely, if you were going through internet videos and stuff like that, you'd run into that video of him flipping off the top rope and landing on his head. | ||
| All 300 pounds of him landed on his head. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| And kept going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck he lived. | ||
| I know. | ||
| If you watch that, it looks like he's a dead man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lands on his fucking head! | ||
| Yeah, there's some stuff that just can't even, probably an inch either way and he can't move his legs and stuff, but he survived it. | ||
| I don't know how he did it and then how he went on to fight, actually fight fight afterwards. | ||
| Was that a big blow to the WWE when they realized that Brock Lesnar got fucked up by a dude with brown pride tattooed on his body? | ||
| Oh no, I don't know what that is. | ||
| What? | ||
| You don't know who Cain Velasquez is? | ||
| Oh no, yeah. | ||
| I didn't know he had a brown pride tattoo. | ||
| How do you know and not know he has brown pride tattooed on his chest? | ||
| It's a big point of contention. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A lot of people, or white people, find it quite offensive. | ||
| Because you could never fight with white pride tattooed on your chest. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Now that I'm just hearing about this for the first time, that's an interesting thing. | ||
| You're only allowed to be proud if you're a minority. | ||
| If you're proud and you're a majority, you're mocking everybody else. | ||
| You're gloating. | ||
| Or you're a racist. | ||
| You're trying to hold back the others. | ||
| If you have black pride, then no one gives you a hard time at all. | ||
| You could have a t-shirt on on television that says black pride. | ||
| And no one would have issue with it. | ||
| But if you went on CNN with a white pride shirt on, they might fucking kill you with rocks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I never thought of that before. | ||
| White man's been held down for a long time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You want to go to the meeting now? | ||
| What meeting? | ||
| The White Pride meeting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you willing to join us in our ranks? | |
| So, you're asking me if I think it messed up the WWE when Cain Velasquez beat Brock? | ||
| When you beat him so easily. | ||
| I think Brock going into the UFC and doing anything good whatsoever completely helped the WWE and the WWE's Brock. | ||
| I think Brock Lesnar, no bullshit. | ||
| If Brock Lesnar did it the right way, like if Brock Lesnar left the WWE and dedicated himself to becoming the best fighter in the world, I mean like... | ||
| Best striking coaches. | ||
| Best jiu-jitsu coaches. | ||
| An overall coach like a guy like a Matt Hume. | ||
| Like a John Crouch. | ||
| Like a real MMA coach who's going to go over your game. | ||
| A guy who's well-versed in all the variables when it comes to fighting. | ||
| Like a Dwayne Ludwig. | ||
| Go over your game. | ||
| Inside and out. | ||
| Find out what they can fix. | ||
| And worked on him for years. | ||
| If someone did that with him and then built him up slowly. | ||
| You start out in the RFA. Start out in these smaller organizations. | ||
| And then eventually you work your way up to a larger organization and eventually fight in the UFC when you have, you know, 15, 20 fights instead of your second fucking pro fight being against a former world champion. | ||
| His second pro fight in the UFC was against Frank fucking Mir. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He fights Heath Herring. | ||
| He fights Frank Mir. | ||
| I mean, that's just ridiculous. | ||
| He's not ready. | ||
| He could have been great though, right? | ||
| He could have been an all-time great. | ||
| He's a real freak athlete. | ||
| Like, no doubt about it. | ||
| When he fought, Heath Herring was just running Heath Herring over. | ||
| It's like, holy shit. | ||
| The first time I saw him fight, I saw his first fight live. | ||
| I saw him fight in Hollywood. | ||
| He fought in LA. It was a K-1 event. | ||
| And it was really bizarre, man. | ||
| It's like, Dennis Rodman was there, and everyone was talking shit about the UFC. They were trying to get... | ||
| Like, some sort of publicity by, like, talking shit about the UFC. So they hired Dennis Rodman. | ||
| This was, like, right when Dennis Rodman was coming off of those reality shows where he was all fucked up on drugs and, you know, he had metal all over his face. | ||
| And he's like, UFC ain't shit compared to K-1! | ||
| And everybody's like, no! | ||
| No, they didn't! | ||
| And it was the first time Brock Lesnar ever fought. | ||
| And, uh, I just remember he took down this guy. | ||
| I forget the dude's name. | ||
| I'm sure it's here on his website somewhere. | ||
| But he took down this guy and smashed him in no time. | ||
| And I remember thinking, ooh, that is a lot to handle. | ||
| That's a big boy. | ||
| That's not a... | ||
| That's not like... | ||
| I mean, he's fucking enormous. | ||
| That's not a small guy. | ||
| He's an enormous former NCAA wrestling champion. | ||
| Like a real wrestler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He's unbelievable. | ||
| And I mean, if that bacteria infection in his stomach that really almost killed him, I mean, it really almost killed him, didn't happen, I think it could have gone a few different ways. | ||
| But I think either way he would have gone back to the WWF because he can make so much money there doing such less work and such less training, and I think he's sort of into that. | ||
| Because they don't work him a lot. | ||
| They don't work him like other wrestlers. | ||
| He has a special deal where he gets paid millions and has to show up maybe 20 times a year. | ||
| A couple Monday nights, he comes out, pops corn, jumps up and down, goes back. | ||
| His manager does all the talking. | ||
| You can't beat my client, and he's just standing there looking cool, and he goes back. | ||
| How come he has a better deal than everybody else? | ||
| Because he's Brock Lesnar. | ||
| He's known as a killer. | ||
| Is he the guy that's the most respected guy? | ||
| I can't believe I'm asking you WWE questions. | ||
| Is he the guy that's the most respected guy? | ||
| Hey, Ronda Rousey was at Raw on Monday with the Four Horsewomen. | ||
| Gee, I wonder why she was. | ||
| You think maybe she got paid for that? | ||
| Yeah, but that's what they do. | ||
| They pay you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, in 2007 he fought this guy, Choi Hung, he was supposed to fight Choi Hung Man, but that guy got injured and they replaced him with a guy named Min Soo Kim and he crushed him in one minute and nine seconds of the first round. | ||
| And then his second fight was against Frank Mir. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| Look, Jeff. | ||
| Remember this? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The 360. My favorite video ever. | |
| My favorite internet video ever. | ||
| The Buffer 360. And that's when you interview... | ||
| Does he do it between Brock and Lesnar? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It shows him right there. | ||
| It shows talking to Brock right there. | ||
| Yeah, he made his debut in the UFC. His first fight against Frank Mir. | ||
| Unfucking believable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| And then he fought Heath Herring in his next fight. | ||
| Just crazy. | ||
| Absolutely crazy. | ||
| The next fight after that, he fought for the title and beat Randy Couture. | ||
| Wrap your fucking head around that. | ||
| Just wrap your head around that. | ||
| The guy fought twice in the UFC, one against Frank Mir, one against Heath Herring, and then his next fight is Randy Couture for the title. | ||
| His fourth fucking fight in MMA, he beats Randy Couture for the heavyweight title. | ||
| Legitimately knocked him out, dropped him, and stopped him on the ground. | ||
| I mean, that's just fucking crazy. | ||
| Really is fucking crazy, man. | ||
| He's a monster athlete, and they have the belt on him right now, and it draws a lot of people. | ||
| It draws a lot of people in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they wrote a great one for this last one, for him to win the championship. | ||
| He just completely dominated the good guy. | ||
| Normally it's a back-and-forth battle, whoa! | ||
| But this was completely one-sided, something like 16 German suplexes. | ||
| And by the way, that guy's landing on the back of his neck, just like Brock in that Shooting Star press. | ||
| Some of these were sloppy. | ||
| And that Brock-Undertaker match... | ||
| He literally gave The Undertaker a concussion. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was sloppy. | ||
| It wasn't supposed to go this way. | ||
| But when Brock hits those German suplexes, even though they're paying him a lot of money, he's nowhere near the technical wrestler like the guys that had been built in the machine. | ||
| So when he hits a German suplex and he throws a man over his head, he's not... | ||
| The guys can land on their neck and head and stuff, and The Undertaker was in bad shape. | ||
| So Brock's sort of one of the guys that's sort of a liability. | ||
| Like, he can take a guy out even though you don't want him to. | ||
| How many of those dudes have, like, neck surgery? | ||
| Almost all of them. | ||
| Mick Foley, who I opened up for a couple weeks ago, known as Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, the multiple personalities wrestler, literally, is having back surgery right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And he's had something like 47 broken bones. | ||
| It's all real. | ||
| He's missing his right ear. | ||
| He's missing his ear? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened to his ear? | ||
| It fell off. | ||
| It fell off during a match. | ||
| This is the guy that took the dive off the hell in the cell versus The Undertaker through a table. | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| Nobody fucking knows about that. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| This is the guy that did the thing we all talk about. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| It was like the 9-11 of the WWF. So, his ear fell off because... | ||
| Was it a cauliflower ear? | ||
| Was it that? | ||
| That happens in MMA fights sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's so... | ||
| You know what cauliflower ear... | ||
| Yeah, I used to wrestle. | ||
| ...which causes it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When your blood leaks into your ear, it hardens and becomes like calcium. | ||
| And so, when people look at people with fucked up ears from grappling, those things are hard. | ||
| And sometimes when they get hit, it literally breaks the skin and it tears off. | ||
| Chunks of people's ears have fallen off during fights. | ||
| And, like, landed on the ground inside the octagon. | ||
| I wrestled for four years in high school, and my senior year, I remember, I didn't get cauliflower ear, but some stuff broke up up there, and the top of my right ear was black for, like, a month. | ||
| And it really freaked me out. | ||
| I didn't ever look into what it was. | ||
| My coach is just like, well, put some extra padding in your headgear. | ||
| And so I had one side that stuck out more than the other side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I always wear headgear, man. | ||
| I don't want... | ||
| The problem with cauliflower is that everybody's like, yeah, it makes you look tough. | ||
| But it also affects the way your hearing works. | ||
| The design of your ear, evolution has sort of created this thing that allows you to best capture the sound around you. | ||
| It's not like a cute look. | ||
| The reason why your ear is shaped like that. | ||
| I always tell people, take your ear. | ||
| and then take the top of your ear and then fold it down and listen to how different shit sounds and then let it go like take that and just cover it up and then let it go well when it's covered up that's how Randy Couture hears all the time like that's what his hearing is like and his ear hole is this tiny little thing like Waleed Ishmael who's this famous jiu-jitsu fighter They call him Valigi. | ||
| His ears, it's like he has two hard, like a mouse-sized thing stuffed into each ear. | ||
| It's like they open his ear up, stuff this hard mouse thing. | ||
| So his hole is so tiny. | ||
| No Q-tips for that guy. | ||
| He's not using any Q-tips. | ||
| If he does use a Q-tip, he's got to force that bitch in there, and you're never going to get it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| He's got little tiny, tiny holes. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people like it. | ||
| They like it because it makes them look like fucking badasses. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I think he's responsible for a lot of fighters' bad choices in walk-in music. | ||
| Oh, walk-in music. | ||
| By the way, that's my favorite thing. | ||
| They probably have no idea what they're listening to. | ||
| I love that part of everything, especially the UFC, because it is so crazy, like the quiet before the storm, and some people pick the worst songs. | ||
| Well, you know what's fucked up? | ||
| This dude, Roy McDonald, is one of the top fighters in the UFC. He's a top contender in the welterweight division, this bad motherfucker. | ||
| Always had bad walking music. | ||
| Like, one time he came out to Can't Touch This, and I was mocking him. | ||
| I had to. | ||
| I was goofing on it. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great song back in the day, by the way. | ||
| Props to MC Hammer. | ||
| Frosty and I have a thing where we always talk about... | ||
| We go. | ||
| We'll make predictions right off of that. | ||
| Every single fight. | ||
| What happened was Rory wasn't picking his walk-in music. | ||
| He changed his phone number. | ||
| He moved from Vancouver area to Montreal. | ||
| And he changed his phone number. | ||
| And the guy who got his old phone number was a fan. | ||
| He happened to be a fan. | ||
| Because in Vancouver, in that area, Kelowna, where he's from, he's fucking huge. | ||
| He's a huge star. | ||
| When he fought in Vancouver, people went nuts. | ||
| They were so psyched to see him there. | ||
| So, this guy just happened to get his phone number, happened to be a fan. | ||
| So when they texted him, what do you want for your walkout music, Rory? | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he never told anybody. | ||
| And he had this phone number. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| For years, he was giving shitty walk-in music to Rory McToddall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Amazing. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| And then finally Rory called up the number or something like that. | ||
| They finally figured out that he wasn't really Rory. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Like they said to Rory, you know, we get your text for all your song picks. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| I'm not sending you any texts. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I didn't fucking send it. | ||
| What number are you texting? | ||
| And then he realized it was his old number. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| The guy must have been at home just giggling like a child when Can't Touch This came on. | ||
| He must have been like, yes! | ||
| I get it! | ||
| Can't Touch This. | ||
| Walk-in music is so powerful because you can psych out an opponent with walk-in music if it's done properly. | ||
| If it's some subtle, crazy stuff. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit you can. | ||
| In wrestling, you look around, what is that? | ||
| I can't believe he's playing that. | ||
| Is that Phil Collins? | ||
| I can feel it in the air. | ||
| I can feel it coming. | ||
| I can't believe this is my song! | ||
| He took my song! | ||
| You don't think if you're fighting in the UFC and you come out first, you add your song, let's say your song's like a 7 on a 1 to 10, and then lights go out and Phil Collins in the air tonight does come in. | ||
| You're not a little bit like Fuck, I wish I would have picked this. | ||
| He's already got one on me. | ||
| He's already landed one blow, and that's the intro music. | ||
| You need to call Vince McMahon right now. | ||
| You think like a fucking pro wrestling fan. | ||
| And I say that with all due respect. | ||
| I'm not hating on it, but you take enjoyment in that stupidity. | ||
| I know I do. | ||
| It's entertaining as hell. | ||
| Vince, why are you slipping? | ||
| This is the man who's going to turn your organization around. | ||
| And they should call you the mastermind, and they should make you a character as well. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And you wear those gold wrestling shoes. | ||
| That's your whole outfit. | ||
| It's shiny gold. | ||
| I'm the mastermind. | ||
| Good to be here in Vancouver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| Oh, what's wrong? | ||
| You don't like my plans for the future? | ||
| Boo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can feel it! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| Yeah, there's an article on BloodyElbow.com. | ||
| If you go to BloodyElbow.com and read about the... | ||
| If you're a UFC fan, it's by our friend Crooklyn, Steffi Daniels, who wrote this... | ||
| Story about this imposter choosing Rory McDowell's walkout music for years. | ||
| For fucking years, the dude did it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's so funny, man. | ||
| Oh, it even says how I was making fun of him. | ||
| He's like, oh man, this sucks a little bit. | ||
| For folks who don't know, I'm a big Rory McDonald fan. | ||
| And you actually hear his voice when you hear, Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. | ||
| That's Rory. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| And then the other one is Nick Diaz going... | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| That's the greatest quote of all time, of my entire career, by the way. | ||
| But I just think this dude, I want to interview this guy, whoever the guy is. | ||
| He's hilarious, man. | ||
| Whoever that dude is. | ||
| But it's like he had Loopy Fiasco Lightwork, that was one of them. | ||
| Rihanna, We Found Love, that was another one. | ||
| That's so amazing. | ||
| But he came up with good ones, like he had Metallica, Seek and Destroy. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he had a violin orchestra for one of them. | ||
| See, I think that would be awesome. | ||
| Yeah, why not, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just something different. | ||
| Yeah, something different. | ||
| Make the opponent wonder, wow, what's the psychological plan here? | ||
| What is it about all that stuff, even though you know it's total 100% horseshit, what is it about that stuff that's appealing to you? | ||
| The entertainment. | ||
| Joe, if you watch one of these things... | ||
| You would see what you liked about it. | ||
| You would have a few favorites and you would dig it. | ||
| I'd go fucking crazy and I'd watch lions killing gazelles on television because that's real. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's what I'd do. | ||
| I'd grab my laptop and I'd be like, yeah, you watch this fake shit all day. | ||
| I need real. | ||
| I need real. | ||
| I can't get entertained by fake. | ||
| But that's what TV shows and movies are. | ||
| They're fake. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they're not fake. | ||
| Sports are real. | ||
| And that I understand. | ||
| And this is sports entertainment. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Nobody's saying it's real. | ||
| Okay, when you watch Game of Thrones and you watch a guy get his head cut off, you know what it looks like? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like a guy actually getting his head cut off. | ||
| It looks real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I watch wrestling and I see a guy get hit and go... | ||
| Turn to the crowd... | ||
| I know that's bullshit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's offensive to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's offensive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's other moves that happen that are amazing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're all offensive. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I know they take athleticism to pull off, but they're offensive. | ||
| Because I'm so aware. | ||
| It's so in my face that this is not really happening. | ||
| I can't be the guy in the gold suit holding onto the script, jumping around a place going... | ||
| The Undertaker lost! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The streak has been broken! | |
| That's what you would do. | ||
| You would freak the fuck out. | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| You would if you were hired to do that. | ||
| If I had a gold suit, I would do that, but I don't have a gold suit. | ||
| I can see you doing it. | ||
| Vince is fucking up. | ||
| He really needs to make you a part of it. | ||
| I told Tony immediately he should do it. | ||
| And I can't believe you didn't take it, Tony. | ||
| Because that is one of the biggest things for you. | ||
| Because you are that. | ||
| I was trying to negotiate doing it part-time from LA. That would be awesome. | ||
| That would be best for both sides because I wouldn't get burned out on it. | ||
| And they would have... | ||
| Awesome, great ideas that are hip and cool, and I would have been able to do what I wanted to do. | ||
| Hip and cool? | ||
| Whenever a guy says, my ideas are hip and cool, I go, hmm, are you sure? | ||
| Well, it depends what ideas he's talking about. | ||
| The Undertaker has a scarf! | ||
| But it's a hip scarf. | ||
| It's a scarf with little skulls all over it, like he's a pirate. | ||
| He's drinking a frappuccino! | ||
| I've never saw this one coming! | ||
| Fuck yes! | ||
| Undertaker has gone Metro! | ||
| Metro sexual Undertaker. | ||
| Maybe if you change... | ||
| All of a sudden, Tony starts working for them and every character becomes gay. | ||
| And it turns out that there's someone who's sprinkling gay dust... | ||
| Over all the other competitors when they're in the locker room. | ||
| That's a plot that Tony comes up with. | ||
| He turns the entire roster gay. | ||
| It turns out there's an openly gay wrestler and he has gay fairy dust. | ||
| And he keeps it in a leprechaun's ball sack. | ||
| They killed a leprechaun and turned his ball sack into this. | ||
| Are you ready for this? | ||
| Sure I am. | ||
| What if I were to tell you that there is an openly gay wrestler... | ||
| That blows dust in people's faces. | ||
| Shut the fuck out of here. | ||
| And his name is Gold Dust. | ||
| No fucking way! | ||
| There he is right there. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| This is real? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| This is in the WWE? That's Dustin Rhodes, a third generation wrestler. | ||
| What's going on with his dick? | ||
| That's Gold Dust power, baby. | ||
| You've heard of horsepower. | ||
| This is like related to Dusty Rhodes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did you know about Dusty Rhodes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I used to be eight when this shit made sense. | |
| Thank you, Justin. | ||
| This guy's real? | ||
| Please, I need to see more. | ||
| I can't believe I invented a guy that already exists. | ||
| Yeah, you should be writing this. | ||
| That's him in his entrance outfit when he takes off the wig and robe and he psychs his opponents out. | ||
| He flirts with them in the ring and shit, like blows them kisses, and they get all riled up and then he can beat them with shit because they're like all... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not gay! | |
| Get away from me! | ||
| And he's like, oh yeah, come here, beautiful. | ||
| Do you think that the WWE should hire Michael Sam as soon as he's done with the Dallas Cowboys? | ||
| He's the openly gay NFL player. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Apparently he's not good enough to make the team. | ||
| They're just bringing him for the practice squad. | ||
| They need to bring that dude into WWE and actually fuck a guy on TV. Well, him and Goldust. | ||
| Yeah, but Goldust is faking it. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| That guy's straight. | ||
| Yeah, he's super straight. | ||
| He's super straight. | ||
| That's the Cat Whisperer guy, isn't it? | ||
| The same actor guy as the Cat Whisperer? | ||
| What's the cat whisperer? | ||
| The TV show. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's a show where it's like the dog whisperer but for cats. | ||
| Oh god, really? | ||
| Here's how you fix a cat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rocks. | |
| Yeah, Dusty Rhodes is his dad, and he has a brother named Cody Rhodes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Funk! | |
| Problem solved. | ||
| I actually have a coyote issue in my neighborhood now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Because I have so many chickens, these coyotes are circling my house on a daily basis. | ||
| Every time I come home, there's coyotes around my gate now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Creepy fuck. | ||
| Do your chickens ever wake up in the middle of the night and wake you up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Chickens don't wake up at night. | ||
| They sleep all night. | ||
| In fact, I can go in the chicken house at night and just pick them up. | ||
| They're just sitting there. | ||
| You just grab them. | ||
| I pick them up and move them. | ||
| They make a little more... | ||
| In South Central, they just... | ||
| All night long. | ||
| Or is that roosters? | ||
| Roosters. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Mexican guys love... | ||
| I don't say this, you know, I'm not generalizing. | ||
| Generalizing. | ||
| Generalizing, but a lot. | ||
| Like, my friend. | ||
| My friend, I don't want to say his name. | ||
| He's an older gentleman that happens to be a guy I've known for decades. | ||
| Mexican dude. | ||
| He keeps roosters in his yard. | ||
| Like, he has... | ||
| I want to say he has a hundred chickens. | ||
| It's close to a hundred chickens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he uses them for fighting. | ||
| Like they gamble on it. | ||
| It's just been a part of their culture for as long as they can remember. | ||
| A hundred chickens. | ||
| They have like an arena. | ||
| He has like a barn. | ||
| And his friends come over. | ||
| They cook a goat. | ||
| They cook goats. | ||
| And it's really crazy. | ||
| That's also a normal part of their culture. | ||
| And he was renting a house once. | ||
| And he was telling me this story of how ridiculous it was. | ||
| And he was like, they got in trouble for butchering a goat. | ||
| Because someone called it in on them. | ||
| And the landlord said, you can't do that. | ||
| You can't butcher a goat. | ||
| He's like, it's not because we left it alone. | ||
| So we didn't cut it open and just leave the guts out so the neighborhood smells it. | ||
| He's like, we eat it. | ||
| And he goes, but I could cook hamburgers in my yard and no one would have a problem with it. | ||
| But this goat, I know how healthy it is. | ||
| I know that it's good meat. | ||
| I know how fresh it is. | ||
| We kill that goat and then they roast it. | ||
| They have a barbecue and a bunch of guys would come over and they would eat goat and get drunk and have rooster fights. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We think it's fucked up, but it's a total normal part of their culture. | ||
| And they eat the chickens. | ||
| I mean, after it's all over, it's kind of fucked up, because they do make these chickens fight to the death. | ||
| But after it's over, they turn them into soup. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| You know, part of me says it's animal cruelty. | ||
| The biggest part. | ||
| Like, my gut reaction. | ||
| I look at that. | ||
| Should that be legal? | ||
| That's kind of a fucked up thing to do. | ||
| It's kind of a fucked up thing to put razor blades in the end of a chicken's foot, stick them in a cage with another chicken, they fuck each other up. | ||
| Yeah, they should just do fake chicken fighting. | ||
| So you have a gay chicken come out in the blonde wig. | ||
| Alright guys, I lost you on that pitch. | ||
| It's gotta be real chicken. | ||
| I just can't believe this gold guy is real. | ||
| I came up with a guy who blows dust, fairy dust on people. | ||
| You know his dad. | ||
| You named it Dusty Rhodes. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't know that he existed. | ||
| And he's got a brother named Cody Rhodes who just made the jump to being Stardust. | ||
| Which is the... | ||
| He's like another version of Goldust. | ||
| Except now they roll together. | ||
| So he's gay too? | ||
| No, Stardust is more like just like about the cosmos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And like, whoa, I just can't believe all the magical things. | |
| So he's high! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's like a stoner. | ||
| Stoned the gills. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| Except he's just, I don't know, you never know. | ||
| Do you think that it's possible that Tony could get me to like pro wrestling? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I know for a fact, dude. | ||
| I know the exact matches, the videos, the moves, the everything that would interest you. | ||
| I don't see too much real. | ||
| There's some crazy submission moves that... | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's the last thing. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| That's the last thing you want to show me. | ||
| That'll get me angry. | ||
| I'll be like, that wouldn't work. | ||
| There's no defense here. | ||
| He used to hip escape. | ||
| He can get out of there. | ||
| Nothing drives me crazier than a fake submission move in a movie. | ||
| That shit drives me nuts. | ||
| You know I stopped watching Dexter? | ||
| Because fucking, what's his name from Third Rock? | ||
| John Lithgow. | ||
| John Lithgow had this chick in a rear naked choke in a bathtub and he killed her that way. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god, that's the worst fucking rear naked choke I've ever seen. | ||
| That's so fake. | ||
| She's not even red. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| And I shut it off. | ||
| I walked out of the room in disgust. | ||
| And I never watched another episode of Dexter again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, you can't show me a fake rear-naked choke, you fucks. | ||
| That makes me angry. | ||
| That's like if you were watching a Jimi Hendrix biopic. | ||
| Not a biopic, but one of those movies where it's a fake, like an actor plays Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| I guess that's a biopic, right? | ||
| And some dude didn't know how to play guitar, and he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, no, you're not doing it! | |
| You're not doing it at all! | ||
| You're not playing guitar! | ||
| That's what John Lithgow's shitty fucking rear-naked choke did for me. | ||
| The only reason I think you would maybe like it in the future is that you like UFC so much and MMA and Jiu Jitsu so much and Tony gets it together with a bunch of people and watches it. | ||
| A lot of them watch it as a joke, where Tony, I think, takes it a little bit too serious. | ||
| No, no, we all watch it as a joke. | ||
| I'm not buying this joke. | ||
| I just see and recognize what's entertaining about it, and I do like the ideology of stunning an arena of people. | ||
| Sometimes that happens. | ||
| It can happen. | ||
| You have to look at the reactions of the people. | ||
| This show is a three-hour job interview for you. | ||
| This is like your audition tape. | ||
| They should fucking hire you. | ||
| They should figure out any way they can. | ||
| I need you to pull this up. | ||
| Where are you, Vince? | ||
| Listen, take the needle out of your ass and hire this guy. | ||
| You're crazy not to. | ||
| You should have seen the looks on these people's faces when Brock Lesnar beat The Undertaker. | ||
| Nobody thought it was going to happen. | ||
| Oh my god, what did they do, Tony? | ||
| Imagine if on Saturday... | ||
| The fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Nobody thought it was going to happen! | ||
| It was amazing! | ||
| It was fake as fuck, dude. | ||
| But nobody thought it was going to happen. | ||
| A lot of things are fake that nobody thought was going to happen. | ||
| Tony... | ||
| Time, time, time. | ||
| Imagine if that guy who filled in for Burrell on Saturday and he took on Dillashaw, imagine if in the miracle he was able to somehow land a punch on Dillashaw and beat him. | ||
| The place would have been, I mean, well, it's sort of weird because that's Sacramento and that's Dillashaw's hometown, but I'm just saying, like, in a neutral field, that would have been stunning and everybody would have known that they just witnessed history. | ||
| Tony, that would have been real. | ||
| Right, it would have been real, too. | ||
| It would have really happened. | ||
| It would have really knocked out a professional athlete, two guys who've trained to fight their entire lives. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, I understand that. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| By the way, this stuff isn't... | ||
| You're trying to sell insurance here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm not. | |
| I understand where your concerns are, but let me just show you the details of our policy. | ||
| You're a crazy person. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm telling you why there's millions and millions of WWE fans. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm telling you why maybe Hunter S. Thompson was just a couple of decades off when he was predicting the end of the world. | ||
| Those guys, I mean, it's not easy. | ||
| For example, Brock was furious when Vince told him that he wanted him to beat The Undertaker that day. | ||
| Like, in real life. | ||
| I bet he was, and you were there to see it. | ||
| No, but I talked to somebody who was. | ||
| Oh, I bet he was honest with you. | ||
| It's not like they lie all day, every day. | ||
| Hmm, Tony's gonna talk to some people. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'll tell you what. | |
| Brock was actually mad. | ||
| He was really mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had read the script, and he's like, this is bullshit! | |
| I'm not beating the fucking Undertaker! | ||
| Some of the guys that work, unlike the technical side for the UFC, work for the WWE. I heard Brock was crying. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Brock went to the hospital with the Undertaker. | ||
| Because he cried so hard he dehydrated himself. | ||
| After that match. | ||
| They had to give him an IV to replenish his tears. | ||
| Because he thought he killed the Undertaker from that concussion. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| The concussions are real. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| I don't even buy that. | ||
| I don't even buy it was a real concussion. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They probably faked a concussion. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| They've got to take the undertaker to the hospital. | ||
| He's got a boo-boo. | ||
| It wasn't even on the... | ||
| It's a real boo-boo, folks. | ||
| If you don't think it's a real boo-boo, I'll show you the fucking band-aid on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha. | |
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| Are you talking to my four-year-old? | ||
| It's like you're pitching something to my four-year-old. | ||
| Yeah, it is a boo-boo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is a boo-boo! | |
| It needs a Band-Aid! | ||
| Honey, he's not even bleeding. | ||
| You don't need a Band-Aid. | ||
| I want a Band-Aid! | ||
| Okay, will Band-Aid make you feel better? | ||
| We'll get you a Band-Aid. | ||
| They took the Undertaker and put a Band-Aid on him. | ||
| He's wearing a fucking bandit! | ||
| And Tony Hinchcoff in a gold suit holding the script. | ||
| I can't believe it's a real boo-boo! | ||
| He's jumping up and down in circles. | ||
| And Vince McMahon is standing there shaking his head. | ||
| The color of purple. | ||
| All fucking pent up with rage. | ||
| That's how I wrote it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so much fun. | |
| By God, it's a boo-boo! | ||
| Look at the band-aid! | ||
| It's real! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a real band-aid, ladies and gentlemen, if you doubt it! | |
| What else do you like that sucks? | ||
| Let's see, what else do I like that sucks? | ||
| I guess I play fantasy football. | ||
| I don't talk about that a lot. | ||
| Well, fantasy football is at least based on fucking football! | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is a real game! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are really trying, and shit really happens. | ||
| But nobody knows what's gonna happen in real sports. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Isn't that part of what makes it exciting, you fucking weirdo? | ||
| Same thing about the WWE. Bullshit! | ||
| You don't know what's gonna happen! | ||
| You don't know what's gonna happen. | ||
| You predicted it! | ||
| No, the writer knows what's gonna happen. | ||
| Oh, the writer knows. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| It's like a play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you like plays? | |
| I know it's like a play. | ||
| Do you go to musicals? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wrestling is gayer than musicals. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| Sure it does. | ||
| Those dudes are hugging, they get all sweaty, they're laying on each other, and it's not real. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, after musicals, guys are banging. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| I don't know if they're banging. | ||
| I don't go to those things. | ||
| I'm not in that world. | ||
| You've seen a musical, right? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen a bunch of musicals. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, by the way, but musicals are gay. | ||
| They just are. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Unless it's a humorous musical. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even then, it's even then. | ||
| Yeah, he made someone kiss his ass, right? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| That's someone else. | ||
| That's a Photoshop, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| That's not the real photo. | ||
| Who is that guy that's kissing his ass? | ||
| That's a fake guy. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| There's probably one of you out there. | ||
| Just go look for it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the thing about the internet, man. | ||
| There's a photo of you out there somewhere. | ||
| Someone's Photoshopped a dick in your mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or you kissing an ass, or you doing something ridiculous. | ||
| Been over a Mustang. | ||
| But why did he do that as a challenger? | ||
| Why did he do that? | ||
| Why he pulled his pants down and made someone kiss his ass on TV? Probably. | ||
| That sounds like something he would do. | ||
| But he did. | ||
| You know it. | ||
| Why are you pretending you didn't watch that one? | ||
| I think that was over like 12, 13 years ago, something like that. | ||
| You weren't there yet, huh? | ||
| No, I can't remember. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| I think you're being mocked. | ||
| That may have been during the period. | ||
| You made a bunch of guys kiss his ass. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| This guy's hilarious. | ||
| It's just like, fuck your brother backyard wrestling kind of gay. | ||
| Look how many people in the audience, though. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Plus, it's been winning the Monday Night Cable Wars for over 20 years. | ||
| Think about that for a second. | ||
| Every Monday night it wins. | ||
| Every single Monday night. | ||
| They pulled TNA, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They pulled TNA from Spike TV. That's Vince's competition. | |
| What's the problem with TNA? Just not good now? | ||
| Everything's terrible. | ||
| They're just completely... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's an ass? | |
| It's not even in the same... | ||
| No, no, that's what it should be, Brian, but it's not. | ||
| It's not even in the same ballpark. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Well, they used to have, like, a lot of MMA guys would do it. | ||
| Like, King Mo was in TNA, and Rampage was in TNA. It's not good? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| What's wrong with it? | ||
| Bad writing, bad everything. | ||
| Could you go over there? | ||
| Maybe, maybe. | ||
| No, I don't want to. | ||
| You don't turn down the WWE and go to TNA. Listen, you could be the fucking mogul. | ||
| What if they give you a piece of the action? | ||
| What if TNA said, listen, we heard you on the Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| We like the way you think about wrestling. | ||
| I think this organization still has some life. | ||
| And we're willing to cut you in on this. | ||
| Give you 10% of the action. | ||
| Own 10% of TNA. I'm pretty sure 10% of the TNA wouldn't even get me what I would have made with the WWE. You son of a bitch. | ||
| Yeah, they just lost their TV deal. | ||
| They don't have a TV deal? | ||
| Yeah, they're done. | ||
| Well, maybe they'll get picked up by Lifetime. | ||
| Vince McMahon beat Ted Turner. | ||
| What is Ted Turner? | ||
| CNN? CNN, TNT, TBS. He threw Ted Turner at open checks that he would just sign any wrestler back in... | ||
| They were having wars. | ||
| Monday nights, they'd go against each other. | ||
| Vince, WWE on the USA Network, and TNT had Nitro. | ||
| And Ted Turner said, whatever we need to do to beat Vince McMahon, we'll write the check to whoever. | ||
| So they offered... | ||
| They bought Hulk Hogan, they bought all these... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He believes this! | |
| He believes this! | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I was in the room. | ||
| No, I didn't say I was there. | ||
| He said he was willing to spend whatever it takes. | ||
| That sounds like a plot. | ||
| Like a plot in like a wrestling... | ||
| These are too different. | ||
| No, I'm... | ||
| This is where it's real. | ||
| This part's real. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You've cried wolf through this whole podcast. | ||
| I never said it was real. | ||
| You told us about Santa Claus. | ||
| You just keep repeating that it's not real. | ||
| I'm agreeing with you. | ||
| And now you're trying to tell us that the boogeyman's real. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| I don't think wrestling's real. | ||
| I said that I was gonna write it. | ||
| How much did Ted Turner spend? | ||
| Millions and millions to buy the guys that were already developed from the WWF. He bought all their biggest guys. | ||
| Like who did he buy? | ||
| Hulk Hogan. | ||
| Macho Man Randy Savage. | ||
| You know Macho Man. | ||
| Dusty Rhodes. | ||
| I know Macho Man because I'm a Slim Jim fan. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah! | |
| Snap into a Slim Jim. | ||
| Dusty Rhodes. | ||
| He bought them all. | ||
| And how did it do? | ||
| They ended up winning the wars for a bunch of weeks in a row. | ||
| They did. | ||
| Ted Turner did. | ||
| Yeah, for like a year in a row. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But then, Vince bought Mike Tyson and made him ref a match at WrestleMania with Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels, and then it dominated, and the rest is history. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| One move? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You know that's all it takes sometimes, is one move? | ||
| Like, Hugh Grant being on a Tonight Show was what won the Tonight Show The Rating War. | ||
| It was like this raiding war, and then Jay Leno got Hugh Grant on after Hugh Grant got busted with a skanker. | ||
| As Dom Herrera would say, skanker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Skanker, black prostitute. | ||
| Dicker skanker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that chick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was advertising online as a hooker for the longest time. | ||
| I don't know if she still is, but an escort. | ||
| This was the girl who got arrested with Hugh Grant that you could fuck her. | ||
| That was the selling point. | ||
| And that one thing, when Jay Leno had him on the couch, he goes, what the hell were you thinking? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one on the Rennies war. | ||
| Isn't that amazing how that happens like that? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Why do you ugh? | ||
| Because it's amazing that, you know, I just like David Letterman a lot more than Jay Leno, and to think that, you know, using some scum buckets, scummy life as a launching pad, that Jay can pass up a guy like Letterman and... | ||
| By scumbucket, scummy life, you mean awesome dude who takes crazy chances that are entertaining like Hugh Grant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If it wasn't for that, a lot of people got a lot of enjoyment out of the fact that he got busted with a hooker. | ||
| I don't think it's good, what he did, but I don't necessarily think it's bad either. | ||
| He wanted something dangerous in his life. | ||
| He's a movie star. | ||
| He's living this fucking ridiculous life. | ||
| He has that beautiful woman for a wife. | ||
| What was her name? | ||
| The same chick who was involved recently, Elizabeth Hurley, remember? | ||
| God damn, she was hot. | ||
| Ridiculously hot. | ||
| He's like, I don't care. | ||
| I need something dangerous. | ||
| I need something dangerous. | ||
| He got a street walker. | ||
| What did Eddie Murphy do? | ||
| Trans. | ||
| Does anybody talk about that? | ||
| How does that never get brought up anywhere? | ||
| It gets brought up. | ||
| There's a reason why Eddie Murphy doesn't go on stage anymore. | ||
| I guarantee you that they're probably connected. | ||
| It's gotta be, right? | ||
| That's gotta mess with them. | ||
| Dude, I was at a comedy show with Charlie Murphy, and some dude was heckling from the audience, like heckling Charlie Murphy. | ||
| And Charlie was, Charlie got real with the guy. | ||
| The guy said something to him, and Charlie was like, yeah, yeah, listen, that's my brother, and I'll fuck you up. | ||
| It was really that simple. | ||
| It was like all the comedy got dropped, and then the dude was in the audience, and he realized it was only about 30 or 40 feet between him and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| That's a real person. | ||
| You can't just mock a guy's brother like that and not expect something to go wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend, I won't say his name, but was one of the police officers that was involved in one of those altercations. | ||
| With Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Where he was helping a gentleman home, a gentleman that likes to dress as ladies. | ||
| And he was just trying to help somebody out. | ||
| No big deals. | ||
| Eddie Murphy was. | ||
| Yes, big misunderstanding. | ||
| And your friend's a cop. | ||
| My friend... | ||
| Was he a Beverly Hills cop? | ||
| He worked for a police force. | ||
| I don't believe it was Beverly Hills. | ||
| But I get it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Banana in the tailpipe! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| It's a banana in the tailpipe trick. | ||
| For me, as a comic, like as a young comic, I can't imagine how guys, like we talked about this yesterday with Dom, how guys just stop. | ||
| Like with Steve Martin, they just stop. | ||
| But to be a guy like Eddie Murphy and stop, if you ever go back and watch Eddie Murphy Delirious... | ||
| It's hard because it's difficult for those things to hold up today like they did back then. | ||
| But when I was a kid in like whatever year it was, maybe it was like 86 or something like that where Eddie Murphy Delirious came on, he was a destroyer of worlds. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| We were over at my friend Jimmy Lawless' house and watching it with Jimmy and John Bataraco and John's sister and I think A bunch of people there. | ||
| We were crying laughing at Eddie Murphy Delirious. | ||
| We couldn't believe how funny it was. | ||
| It was just insane. | ||
| Oh my god, it's the funniest. | ||
| This is before I ever even thought about doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| The idea that that guy is still around. | ||
| By the way, looks fantastic. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say, that's the red leather, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, today looks fantastic. | ||
| Eddie does. | ||
| I saw Eddie Murphy in Maui about two years ago. | ||
| Just totally random. | ||
| I was there with my family, and I ran into Eddie's cousin at the desk, at the check-in desk. | ||
| And I was like, what's up, dude? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He's like, oh shit, Charlie's here. | ||
| You know, go say hi. | ||
| So we went over and said hi, and he's with Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Eddie Murphy looks like he's 30 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how old he is now. | ||
| He's got to be in his 50s, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because when I was 18 or something like that, 19, Delirious came out, and he's got to be like 24 or 25 back then, so he's got to be in his 50s. | ||
| He looks fucking great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So whatever he's doing, keep it up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's black skin, too, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Black people have... | ||
| Black don't crack, you know? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| They have way better aging. | ||
| Like, really blonde folks, you know, like those really Nordic-looking... | ||
| Those motherfuckers wrinkle up like an old catcher's mitt. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Just turns in on itself. | ||
| It's oily skin, and dark skin, too, because that dark skin doesn't get fucked up by the sun. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Melanin? | |
| Melanin protects you from all the shit that white people are always worried about. | ||
| You know, they're always putting fucking sunscreen on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why, like, look at Oprah. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| She looks great. | ||
| With makeup on. | ||
| In real life, you don't think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| No. | ||
| If people saw what Oprah looked like in real life, she'd be dealing with the next WWF superstar. | ||
| Isn't it amazing that Oprah is one of the few people that's gotten by, like few people that's a woman, without ever selling herself as a sexual object? | ||
| You got like your Barbara Walters characters, you got like your news people, and you got Oprah. | ||
| Well, she's never had a choice, right? | ||
| She's never... | ||
| It's pretty easy to not be a sex object when you can't be a sex object. | ||
| She's like one of the main points against the only way a woman gets on television. | ||
| She's like the biggest fucking... | ||
| If you had a deal... | ||
| You gotta, like, look at biggest stars. | ||
| Like, biggest stars in the country. | ||
| She's top ten out of everyone doing everything. | ||
| Whether they're singers, whether they're actors. | ||
| Top ten! | ||
| And, I mean, she's done some acting, like she was in The Color of Purple, but you can't really call her an actor, you know? | ||
| She's really just a personality. | ||
| And just from being a personality, she's one of the most famous people ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tony, would you fuck Oprah or Ellen? | ||
| Um, I... Or both. | ||
| Have you had a choice between either or or both? | ||
| It would have to be Ellen. | ||
| I mean, it's like a no-brainer. | ||
| Either or or both? | ||
| Have you seen Oprah with no makeup? | ||
| No. | ||
| But have you done ecstasy? | ||
| Have you ever done ecstasy? | ||
| I think you'd do both. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I wouldn't be able to do Oprah. | |
| Joe's in love with Oprah. | ||
| I love Oprah. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| Am I in Oprah's $30 million compound? | ||
| I might be a little more easily swayed. | ||
| Do you think you would be like a girl would be if she went over a guy's house and he picked her up in a Lamborghini and drove her to his castle? | ||
| I'm pretty sure Oprah's a billionaire with a B, man. | ||
| There's something a little bit hot about that. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| For all of you that have ever wanted to bone Rampage Jackson. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| I can't believe you. | ||
| You're a terrible person. | ||
| I've always made fun of people. | ||
| I like picking on people. | ||
| You almost play a character. | ||
| You play kind of like a evil person. | ||
| So you're almost playing a wrestler in real life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like picking on people. | ||
| That's my move. | ||
| That's your move? | ||
| If you're a wrestler, you'd be the guy that gets under everybody's skin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sticks and stones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They break your bones, but my words will hurt you. | |
| I want to take you back, Tony. | ||
| Do you remember this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, I do remember this. | |
| So clearly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is an interesting time to drop this on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Now, to most people, this is just shitty fucking music. | ||
| People were complaining so hard on my message board yesterday that I played this. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I was like, I understand The Grateful Dead now. | ||
| I really do get it. | ||
| I never got what everybody was into with The Grateful Dead until I did DMT with this playing in the background. | ||
| By the way, a fighter comes out to this music. | ||
| That fighter in the ring's like, fuck, man. | ||
| I don't want to fucking fight this guy. | ||
| This is some shady shit. | ||
| This guy's got extra... | ||
| packing some extra confidence. | ||
| I worked out to this. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it put me in a weird place, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plus, I was high as fuck when I did. | |
| Yeah, you can get high and listen to this, and it takes you really close to that place. | ||
| That's what's fucked up. | ||
| It's like you have some weird memory of psychedelic trips, but when you have a psychedelic trip that's connected to music, and then you hear the music again, it recalls some of the psychedelic trip. | ||
| I remember specifically. | ||
| The last time I heard this song, I was watching 70 Popes do the robot. | ||
| Popes. | ||
| Pope hats. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| There goes that WWE writing gig right there. | ||
| No, you're gonna come in as the wizard now. | ||
| You're gonna come in as the shaman. | ||
| You're going to bring in shamans to change the course of events. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's pretty intense, huh? | ||
| Tony didn't have any plans on doing DMT either until we went to Texas. | ||
| Until 40 minutes before it happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you weren't sure if you were going to do it or not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't bring it up. | ||
| I brought it up right before. | ||
| You want to do this? | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Which is the best way to do it. | ||
| Don't think about that shit. | ||
| Just dive in. | ||
| Especially DMT. Yeah. | ||
| But if you're worried about it, don't do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you did it. | ||
| Anything that lasts 10 or 15 minutes, I could always do. | ||
| Yeah, but that 10 or 15 minutes will change everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| What was surprising about it? | ||
| Just the overall visions and craziness and the mellow chillness of everything and it was just a very cozy environment and everything. | ||
| The experience. | ||
| What did you expect versus what it actually was? | ||
| I didn't expect much. | ||
| I don't know anything about it. | ||
| So, I don't know anything about it going into it. | ||
| That's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just knew that I had done mushrooms four days before. | ||
| So, I'm like, alright. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| You were primed. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Yeah, as a part of Ari Shafir's Shroom Fest. | ||
| Which is, by the way, growing. | ||
| People are doing it all over the world now. | ||
| When he announces that, people get on shrooms all over the world during that same week. | ||
| We had so much fun, man. | ||
| That night that I went there, there was a meteor shower. | ||
| An all-out meteor shower. | ||
| And it was like a planned thing all over the news. | ||
| Like, meteor shower tonight, if you just so happen to look at the right time, and we're out in the middle of the desert, we're... | ||
| You see a shooting star on a non-meteor shower night once every few minutes. | ||
| And this was just a shower of meteors with a supermoon, because that's what he scheduled Shroomfest around. | ||
| So supermoon, meteor shower, lightning storm miles away, and one patch of the desert, just lightning, crazy beautiful bolts. | ||
| And clouds, supermoon, and then when the sun came up, you know, it's that weird desert thing where it's still dark on one side and there's a moon, and then the sun coming up on the other, and a nice warm shower rain started. | ||
| We were just like in heaven. | ||
| We were just cracking up for seven hours straight. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And I've done three shroom fests with Ari, and I've always said, you know, it's better than Christmas. | ||
| It's the best holiday. | ||
| There's something beautiful about getting together with a bunch of people and having that kind of an experience together. | ||
| Just wish you could do it without actually having to take something. | ||
| It's funny, but McKenna had an interesting take on that. | ||
| He's like, you know, people that want to do it naturally, you know, people want to do it through yoga or meditation, he's like, I, he goes, I don't ever want to be able to access these places accidentally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He goes, like, they're so titanically alien. | ||
| I want to take something that gets me there. | ||
| And his take on it was that everybody has this problem with taking a psychedelic. | ||
| That the idea of letting go and taking something is just too scary. | ||
| Because we always hear about people overdosing, which certainly can happen with a lot of drugs. | ||
| Doesn't happen with most psychedelics, but people do have adverse reactions. | ||
| They do freak out. | ||
| It can absolutely happen. | ||
| But his take on the idea of trying to get there without the drug, he was like, it's so silly. | ||
| You know you can get there instantaneously with the drug, but everybody always wants to do it on their own. | ||
| I can do it naturally. | ||
| I've talked to people that are against psychedelics but want to achieve psychedelic states. | ||
| And everyone's like, I can get there naturally. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know if you can. | ||
| You might be able to get there, but you can't stay there. | ||
| Like, I've done transcendental meditation. | ||
| I've worked hard. | ||
| There's been a couple periods in my life where I worked hard at it, and just like any muscle, you get better at it. | ||
| And yeah, if you get good at it, and you're into it, and you're in the right setting, 20, 30 minutes in of going over and over again, You're gone into that type of state, but your brain immediately goes, whoa, you're in that state, come back, and you're back. | ||
| You're like, whoa, I was just somewhere for two seconds. | ||
| I think you can get there, but you can't really stay there like you can with some help. | ||
| Right, but is that because you're not a practice guru or a practice traveler in those mental worlds? | ||
| Isn't it possible that there could be a way? | ||
| The thing that gives me hope is Kundalini. | ||
| Because my friend Denny... | ||
| He's a Kundalini instructor and he's practiced it for years and he's done a bunch of psychedelics as well. | ||
| He told me that he's able to achieve those states, that he can get to a state of hallucination, like psychedelic hallucination. | ||
| He can literally get to a state where his mind starts pumping out psychedelic chemicals. | ||
| He says, it's not easy, though. | ||
| But he's been doing it every day for years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he can get there. | ||
| So I think when someone like you says, you know, you get there, but then you go, oh my god, I can't believe I'm there. | ||
| I can totally relate to that. | ||
| Because I've been in there in the isolation tank before. | ||
| There was one time I was in the isolation tank. | ||
| Where I had this crazy hallucination that I was in some weird tribe, and these people in this tribe were talking in a language that was completely foreign, but I could understand it. | ||
| And I was even thinking in their language, and then I realized it. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, I'm thinking in their language, then boop! | ||
| Woke right up and it was over, but I'll never forget that because that moment I was like it seems so fun like that I could possibly venture into some completely alien civilization Alien to me where I didn't know anything about how they were talking I didn't know anything but I could understand it and it was almost like this window of To what communication really is. | ||
| That communication, although languages vary and although cultures vary, there's a thing that's going on when you're communicating. | ||
| Like when you and I are talking right now, there's a thing that's going on and you can tap into that thing. | ||
| Whatever that thing is, you can tap into that thing and you do it with language. | ||
| But in my... | ||
| crazy hallucination inside the tank i tapped into it with my mind and i was locked in there and although i understood what they were saying i shouldn't have it was very very strange it was a very very strange because it wasn't as simple as i was pretending that i could understand what they were saying like in my mind they were noises that were coming out of their mouth were they were I was giving interpretations on those noises. | ||
| And those noises were like, they were normal for like a normal communication. | ||
| Like, hey, we've got to go down the river and we've got to pick up some water and be careful because there's a snake that someone saw that's near this log. | ||
| It was like that kind of shit. | ||
| But it was in a completely different, you know, some weird fucking language. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's always the same thing. | ||
| Whenever you have something that's really trippy that happens when you're meditating or really trippy that happens when you're dreaming, it's very difficult to stay in that state and not go, oh my god, I'm having a lucid dream. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you wake up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to do all that stuff. | ||
| One of the interesting things about Shroomfest, when you're doing it with a bunch of comedians and you forget that You know, you're out in the desert with seven guys, and sometimes you're all sort of like spread out on a mountaintop, you know what I mean? | ||
| And sometimes we're together laughing, but sometimes we would like break apart, and then you forget. | ||
| Everything that's happening, and then all of a sudden, something hilarious happens. | ||
| You know, like, at one point, one guy was like, and we're in the middle of the desert, like, phones don't even work out there. | ||
| But out of nowhere, you just hear, because it's so quiet, it's a beautiful, quiet desert, and you just hear one guy go, oh shit, I just got a Tinder match. | ||
| Everybody just started dying. | ||
| Out in the desert, he's trying to get laid. | ||
| Oh, exactly. | ||
| And I mean, so far away from civilization. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so funny, like, guys and their desire to get laid. | ||
| I wonder if girls have the same sort of conversations, like constantly trying to figure out how, like single girls, how they can get some dick. | ||
| It's one of the things that really annoys me sometimes. | ||
| If a buddy's too horny, it annoys the shit out of me. | ||
| The worst is if you have a friend where that supersedes everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go out with them, and you're supposed to all be hanging out together, and they'll leave if they get a booty call. | ||
| They'll leave if they get a text. | ||
| Drives me crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought we were hanging out. | |
| They're swiping on Tinder, or they're just... | ||
| Jamie, this motherfucker, the entire time... | ||
| We're in Denver. | ||
| He never put his phone down. | ||
| But I was encouraging that. | ||
| I'm preparing for my fucking comedy special, and he's in the green room going over his Tinder matches. | ||
| I was guilty of encouraging that, though. | ||
| He's like, you think she really looks like this? | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck away from me! | ||
| Joe, you're shooting your special in 10. 9. Joe, what do you think about this chick? | ||
| Is this too much makeup? | ||
| Just be honest. | ||
| She's a kindergarten teacher. | ||
| Oh, she's probably a freak. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Tinder is like the number one, and then there's Grindr for the gay folks. | ||
| Is there one that's for people that are not sure? | ||
| Anything good. | ||
| I'm in the middle of, I don't know, I don't know what I'm looking for. | ||
| What do you got to offer? | ||
| What's for sale? | ||
| I'm not sure what I want for lunch. | ||
| What's on the menu? | ||
| Anybody that'll take anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the desperation, the desperation to hook up. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And another thing is, I can tell the comedians that do stand-up comedy just to get girls. | ||
| Guys that didn't get laid in high school and college, that figured out later on that, wait a second if I make people laugh and I go on stage... | ||
| The people that do it just for chicks. | ||
| That's annoying to guys who are trying really hard to be an actual stand-up, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Those guys never write. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They have the same bits. | ||
| And once they have bits that work, they stick to those fucking things like glue. | ||
| Forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, where's your new shit, man? | |
| Never gonna see it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a trap, huh? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Whenever you think about other motivations other than the work itself, the work itself suffers. | ||
| They said they did this thing, they did this study on motivations and the motivation of doing good work versus the motivation of just trying to make money and they found that the least success was achieved when you had a combination of the both because then you'd be really distracted. | ||
| The least results, the worst results were when someone was like, I want to do good work, but I want to make a lot of money. | ||
| So how do I do the work, make it good, but try to make a lot of money? | ||
| That was the worst results. | ||
| And the best results were achieved when they didn't think about the money at all, but concentrated entirely on doing good work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| I mean, I was always, you know, the first three or four years of me doing stand-up moving out here, I came out here with a carry-on Bag and, like, $40 cash. | ||
| Rolled into a job at a restaurant, you know. | ||
| But I had nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. | ||
| And had I, when I started stand-up, dwelled and thought about the fact that I'm crashing on my brother's couch, and then, you know, then I was renting out a couch in another buddy's living room, you know what I mean? | ||
| Had I thought about how this isn't normal and, you know, this sucks, I never would have been able to write another joke. | ||
| And I had to write everything, everything I've written... | ||
| I mean, everything I wrote back then, I wrote while completely broke and struggling. | ||
| So it's like, you gotta just ignore it. | ||
| Isn't it fascinating, though, that you can only really have that kind of position when you're young? | ||
| When you're young, people accept it. | ||
| It seems normal. | ||
| But if you found out that a dude was 40, and he was living on his brother's couch trying to make it as a comedian, you're like, oh, you poor piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's a different situation. | ||
| Well, you know, I really never found what I was looking for until last year. | ||
| And I decided to quit my job. | ||
| I had a job at UPS. It was a good job. | ||
| I was in sales. | ||
| And then, boom. | ||
| This poor guy's on someone's couch trying to grind it out as a stand-up comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't do it then. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's hard even when you're in the later 20s. | ||
| Start getting into your 30s and people go, oh, come on, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Might be time to bail on this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta do something. | ||
| Gotta supplement that income somehow. | ||
| Yeah, the supplement the income, that's one thing, but the idea of the grand struggle of trying to make it as an actor. | ||
| Say someone's 45, they decide, I'm going to be an actor. | ||
| Good fucking luck, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're going to start at 45? | ||
| Do you know how many fucking people are out there trying to be actors? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Most 45-year-olds they're going to be auditioning against for the same part of a 45-year-old have been acting for 25 years. | ||
| Yeah, they started off as a teenager. | ||
| Good luck beating them in your audition. | ||
| That's one thing that we have that we're so fortunate as a stand-up comic that you create your own stuff, you deliver your own stuff, you design it, you execute it, you produce it. | ||
| All of it is done by Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| When you get up there, it's 100% a Tony Hinchcliffe production. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Whereas, like, if you were even in a band, you'd have to deal with all the other dudes in the band, and, you know, man, when am I going to do my drum solo? | ||
| Like, oh, this fucking drum solo. | ||
| Having to decide the words of the lyrics and win the... | ||
| all that stuff. | ||
| That's why bands can't last at all. | ||
| All my buddies that were supposed to be huge rock star, the couple friends that I had that are gurus on an electric guitar, can play it. | ||
| Fucking just... | ||
| This, this, behind the back, everything, and they can play anything. | ||
| They're still in Youngstown, rotating new band members every one to two years. | ||
| Hey, Tone, check out my new band. | ||
| This is Computer Box Dreams. | ||
| Hey, check out my new band. | ||
| This is Buddha's Mystery. | ||
| Check out my new band, Brick Wall Extreme. | ||
| You know, it's like, dude... | ||
| Brick Wall Extreme. | ||
| It's like, you gotta... | ||
| Go solo. | ||
| Go solo. | ||
| Get rid of these rubes, and... | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| A band's crazy. | ||
| You think of a movie, people don't realize every single credit that they see at the end of a movie is somebody that could have ruined the movie. | ||
| Almost everybody has, if they don't pull their weight, if the script supervisor sucks, that could ruin a great editor's work, or vice versa. | ||
| An editor can ruin a director, a director can ruin a producer. | ||
| Everybody has to pull their weight, whereas with stand-up, it's a one-man machine. | ||
| Yeah, and it's also, like, you travel light, you don't need a bunch of shit that you have to take with you to the airport, you know, it's just so much, it's still hard to do. | ||
| But at least you get undeniable. | ||
| You can get good. | ||
| There's guys that we know that are totally broke, that are open micers, that hang around with us. | ||
| They're in the same group. | ||
| When you show up at the comedy clubs, and then there's shows, and there's open mic shows, and there's regular shows, there's bringer shows, everybody interacts with each other. | ||
| We interact with guys that are just starting out. | ||
| We interact with guys that have been doing it for years. | ||
| And if you're fucking good, man, if you get those three minutes and you crush those three minutes, people want to put you on your show. | ||
| And it might take a few years, but... | ||
| Couple years later, you know, you're crushing, you're doing 10 minutes, you're crushing, you're doing 15 minutes, you're crushing, you're bombing, you come back better, you crush, you write, you keep doing it, you get undeniable. | ||
| But if you're in a band, you're never undeniable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because there's some music that you are not interested in. | ||
| Like, if you were a guy who wants to be a fucking country music guy... | ||
| You can make music all day, but if you're in the wrong place, if they don't like your kind of stuff, you never become undeniable. | ||
| You can make people laugh. | ||
| It's pretty universal. | ||
| If you're a good comic and you have 300 people there, those 300 people might have widely different tastes when it comes to what kind of music they like, what kind of food they eat, but you can get all 300 of them to laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| With something they've never heard before. | ||
| To get all 300 of them to really, truly enjoy a song? | ||
| Very hard. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's tough working with other people. | ||
| That's really the thing. | ||
| Being in a band is hard, man. | ||
| I can't even imagine having to put up with somebody's artistic opinion for everything that you're going to end up representing. | ||
| Somebody telling you what they think? | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to text Dom Irera to see if I can get him to send us that song so we can close with it. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He wrote a song? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does he sing in it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it sounds really professional. | ||
| It sounds like a real song that you would hear. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dom Herrera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good, dude. | |
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I didn't even know he was in that realm whatsoever. | ||
| Neither did I. It sounds like a joke. | ||
| He's always been a Beatles fan. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's always been into music, but it's fucking good. | ||
| I was like, whoa, this is weird. | ||
| But he's such a good comic. | ||
| When someone's that good, I would imagine that anything that he does, essentially, could be great. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| All you have to do is focus on it. | ||
| Trying to get him to quit drinking. | ||
| He brought it up. | ||
| I didn't bring it up. | ||
| He brought it up yesterday. | ||
| He's like, I drink too much. | ||
| I wake up every day drunk. | ||
| Well, it's good. | ||
| Better than what he said the first time he was on when he was talking about pills all the time and stuff. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Xanax. | |
| Xanax, yeah. | ||
| Still on that. | ||
| But he takes the Xanax in the morning, and then by the time the Xanax wears out, that's when he hits the booze. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| It was so fun having you and him on Kill Tony together at the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, we were talking about that. | ||
| We were talking about how fun that is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the, one of the most beautiful thing also about comedy is the camaraderie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fucking around with other comedians, you know? | ||
| Like when we're on the road, dude. | ||
| I mean, we do all these gigs together and it's, it's annoying that you gotta go to airport, to hotel, this, that. | ||
| But it's fun. | ||
| We're laughing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What'd you say about Sacramento? | ||
| Oh yeah, I said Sacramento is a puppy mill for porn stars. | ||
| It's just where they just kick them out. | ||
| These chicks just come out wearing little sweatpants that say juicy on the back, cute little butts, and too little of a shirt, strolling through the airport, all looking like they're taking the next flight to... | ||
| LA just to land directly in the valley. | ||
| There's a certain look when you go to Burbank, if you leave Burbank to Vegas, you can play that game, which one's a stripper? | ||
| You can play that game, which girls are going to the Rhino? | ||
| There's a lot of gals that live in LA and go to Vegas and make a shit ton of money there over the weekend and then fly back to LA. And I'm not hating. | ||
| I'm not mad at them. | ||
| But it's fun to pick them out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's pretty easy, too. | ||
| They always wear droopy sweatpants like they're playing it down like we're not supposed to notice. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they don't wear, like, sexy clothes. | ||
| Like, oh, he's so tired of dudes fucking staring at their box. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, all the ugly girls, they try to dress up. | ||
| And those ones try to dress down, but it's too obvious because they try too hard to dress down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I'm just wearing a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, you know? | |
| Yeah, it's important. | ||
| They're giving up their hand, right? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But sweatpants are hot on a girl. | ||
| Super cute. | ||
| You see that little butt flap, you know, where the cloth, like, sort of curls up right underneath the butt cheeks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Oh, a girl in sweatpants is so much better than a hot chick in jeans, you know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, I'm saying both hot chicks, but I'm saying I'd prefer a hot chick in sweatpants than jeans, because it's not the same. | ||
| You can't feel the... | ||
| Well, if you grab a girl's ass in sweatpants, it feels like you're grabbing a girl's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or if you grab a girl's ass in tight jeans, it's like you're holding on to something that's restrained. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like a straight jacket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got a straight jacket on your pussy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Thick, thick canvas straight jacket that you've stuffed your fucking box into. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, your legs are skin tight. | ||
| Like, girls never wear, like, these kind of jeans, like loose jeans. | ||
| Nobody wears those. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They wear jeans where they can barely walk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just shoved into them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How often do you see a girl with baggy jeans? | ||
| It's super rare. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When is the last time I saw Esther Pavitsky? | ||
| Ha ha ha ha ha ha! | ||
| I haven't heard a fucking peep about her. | ||
| What's going on with little Esther? | ||
| Last time I heard she was working with a Nicole Richie. | ||
| She's doing a lot of MTV stuff, isn't that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tony talks to her more probably. | ||
| What is she doing? | ||
| She just made a pilot and she's working it. | ||
| Just doing her thing. | ||
| Doing spots at the store. | ||
| What's the big pause? | ||
| Look down, look up? | ||
| Big pause, look down, look up? | ||
| Just admiring this glowing rock. | ||
| There's a thing that I tweeted earlier today. | ||
| In one of its kind study, an international team of neuroscientists and robotic engineers have demonstrated the viability of direct... | ||
| Brain-to-brain communication in humans. | ||
| And recently published in some study in PLOS-1. | ||
| The novel findings describe the successful transmission of information via the internet between the intact scalps of two human subjects located 5,000 miles apart. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They wanted to find out if one could communicate directly between two people by reading out the brain activity from one person and injecting brain activity into the second person, and to do so across great physical distances by leveraging existing communication pathways. | ||
| That's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So, what they're essentially saying is, through the internet, they're sending information directly from brain to brain. | ||
| So what we were talking about earlier, that's real. | ||
| Like, they literally are going to be able to directly transmit, like, I'm going to be able to look at you and send you a message, and won't even be able to have to say anything, I'll send you a message, and that message is going to go to your brain. | ||
| Like, I'll have an idea, like, check out this motherfucker. | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's going to show up in your brain, check on this motherfucker, and you're like, exactly. | ||
| We're not even going to have control over thinking a hundred years from now. | ||
| They're just going to create tools. | ||
| Who are they, though? | ||
| They are going to be subject to the same shit that we're subject to. | ||
| Like, this idea that there's a giant cabal of people that are going to be able to control this. | ||
| That might be the most ridiculous aspect of conspiracy theories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One of the most ridiculous aspects of conspiracy theory. | ||
| That Russian oligarchy thing really happened. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| And that's why I'm wondering. | ||
| That's murder, dude. | ||
| They murdered a bunch of people. | ||
| That's a lack of communication. | ||
| They killed people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I mean, this is in the 90s. | ||
| This is pre-internet that all this shit went down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| The internet is essentially what's blowing back against them right now. | ||
| But that's more like a fucking Game of Thrones type scenario than it is someone not being able to control information software or information technology like this. | ||
| This is a completely different sort of a thing. | ||
| I just wonder what we're going to be like a thousand years from now. | ||
| We're going to be completely unrecognizable. | ||
| The concept of what life is is going to be unrecognizable. | ||
| And the idea of privacy is going to be hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's going to be hilarious. | ||
| There's no privacy. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| We're the last people to experience privacy. | ||
| Until something happens, until there's some sort of a crash, like a civilization crash, like asteroidal impact, super volcano, massive earthquake, some power shutdown where things go back to normal, we're going to be the last people that experience privacy, like real true privacy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever gone somewhere where you got no cell phone signal and stayed there for days? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Joshua Tree. | ||
| But you can get phones out there. | ||
| You can get cell phones out there. | ||
| Not with Sprint. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| You guys with AT&T making calls? | ||
| Did you get jealous? | ||
| Same thing at the comedy store. | ||
| My phone barely works there. | ||
| Yeah, but that's because the comedy store is a vortex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something going on there. | ||
| You could have full fucking four bars when you drive up that Hyatt parking lot, and then you look at your phone once you step into the fucking hollowed walls. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's the paint. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it the lead paint? | |
| Even the parking lot. | ||
| Even the parking lot. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Did you know that Paulie's trying to get people to stop smoking pot there? | ||
| I heard a rumor of this. | ||
| I haven't seen it directly. | ||
| I actually talked to Paulie yesterday for a moment in the parking lot. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I was smoking pot while talking to him. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| You know, he's Paulie. | ||
| He's a character, man. | ||
| Indeed. | ||
| So like Donald Duck or... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like The Undertaker. | ||
| Are they really going to try to do that? | ||
| Try to get people to stop smoking pot at a comedy club? | ||
| That's just a rumor. | ||
| Absolutely impossible. | ||
| That is something that could never be done at the comedy store. | ||
| The last thing they want is their entire... | ||
| Line up out on the sidewalk smoking pot because they're not a loudsies to smoke pot wherever they want. | ||
| A loudsies. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Maybe they should have a smoking lounge like they do at the airport. | ||
| They do have a smoking lounge at the Comedy Store. | ||
| It's called Everywhere Around the Comedy Store and inside of it. | ||
| Maybe they should have a card. | ||
| You swipe it. | ||
| You have a little membership. | ||
| You go in. | ||
| It's a hot box. | ||
| Everybody's in there barbecued. | ||
| You go in there. | ||
| Have you ever passed those smoking things, especially in Europe? | ||
| You don't realize how much people smoke in other countries. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| When I was in Germany, I took these photos of it because it didn't seem real. | ||
| And it had all these warnings on it. | ||
| It was like this smoking station where you could go into this, literally this glass box that they created at the airport. | ||
| These people went in and it was filled with smoke. | ||
| It was so bizarre. | ||
| Like we stopped. | ||
| It was me and Eddie Bravo. | ||
| We stopped and we looked at it. | ||
| We were like, look in there. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Like these fucking people are, they're all like surrounding themselves with each other's smoke. | ||
| They're just sitting there. | ||
| It was really creepy. | ||
| I remember being at the Denver airport or somewhere, some airport a few years ago, and I'm at a layover, and I saw one of those, and I went inside, and it was exactly like the waiting room from Beetlejuice, like all these creepy people with something missing or something weird, and they're just slowly smoking. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Remember that waiting room from Beetlejuice where the guy sprinkles dust on the guy's head and it shrinks? | ||
| Beetlejuice holds up, by the way. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Michael Keaton's best work, Tim Burton's best work, perhaps Danny Elfman's best work. | ||
| Well, Michael Keaton's best work, and you've seen Batman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's also Tim Burton. | ||
| I mean, they went into that post-Beetlejuice. | ||
| Two different characters, by the way. | ||
| I mean, like, you know, they're both amazing works of art in two different takes from Michael Keaton. | ||
| What was the Michael Keaton one where he played a dude that was like, there's a hundred of them? | ||
| Multiplicity. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about the other one, Johnny Dangerously? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wasn't he in that? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think I've seen that, though. | ||
| Him and Joe Piscopo? | ||
| I've heard good things about it, but I don't think I've seen it. | ||
| My mother hung me up on a hook once. | ||
| Michael Keaton's a monster. | ||
| I read a great interview about him yesterday. | ||
| He lives in Montana now, hunts every day, has dogs, goes to diners, you know, just lives a normal, cool life. | ||
| And people just sort of like, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Keaton. | ||
| I'm glad that you live in the neighborhood." And he lives like this low profile, but he hunts every day and writes and is always on the phone and is looking for the next gig, but doesn't want to take just anything. | ||
| Does he still act? | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I haven't seen him in anything in a long time. | ||
| You know, it's weird when you see a guy like that and they kind of fade out a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's sort of chilling. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he likes living the mellow life. | ||
| What are you showing us, Brian? | ||
| Why'd you put this up? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's got a new movie. | ||
| That's Michael Keaton's movie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I read. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Human foibles? | ||
| What? | ||
| Human foibles give Birdman its superhuman wings. | ||
| Foibles is a weird word to use. | ||
| Have you ever had anybody use it in a conversation? | ||
| I don't even know what that means. | ||
| And I'm a wordsmith. | ||
| I'm in the writer's guild. | ||
| How could you be a wordsmith and don't know what foibles means? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I'm an honest wordsmith. | ||
| Foibles is a minor weakness or eccentricity in someone's character. | ||
| They have to tolerate each other's foibles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Joe, you don't remember this part in that movie we were just talking about? | ||
| Your testicles and you. | ||
| No, I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember Johnny Dangerously that much. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| I kind of remember that now that I'm seeing it. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like guys walking around with huge balls. | ||
| It's guys with like... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teams of doctors are at work around the clock. | |
| These guys whose balls grow too big, is that the idea? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| That is real, man. | ||
| You ever seen those poor fucks where their balls swell up to the size of... | ||
| They've had them on television before. | ||
| Ari's got a weird nut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever seen Ari's ball? | ||
| One ball? | ||
| Has he ever gone to the doctor about his ball? | ||
| He might just have rampant cancer. | ||
| Ignoring it. | ||
| Remember that video on the end of Jew Clam? | ||
| It had like Skittles in it. | ||
| It looked like a bunch of weird... | ||
| No, I don't have really any intense recollections of his balls. | ||
| That was a weird time period. | ||
| You're saying Ari's balls look like they had Skittles in them? | ||
| Yeah, if you look at Jew Clam. | ||
| Did you taste the rainbow? | ||
| Smell the rainbow. | ||
| He couldn't help himself. | ||
| Can't help himself. | ||
| Yeah, there's a... | ||
| I think he's in Michigan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Michael Keaton. | ||
| Montana. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Montana? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read the amazing interview in Esquire, Michael Keaton. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| I couldn't believe how good it was. | ||
| I read it yesterday. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Ah, so good. | ||
| This guy's living a cool life, man. | ||
| And he's just a cool dude. | ||
| This journalist, you know, explains it like... | ||
| When I got the assignment, here's what happened. | ||
| And I talked to Michael Keaton's manager, and here's what he told me I should look into before I meet him. | ||
| Next thing you know, I'm on a plane, and Michael Keaton's calling me at 6.30 a.m. | ||
| Like, I hope it's not too early. | ||
| I'll meet you for lunch, ba-ba-dee-ba. | ||
| Like, Michael Keaton's just the man, pretty much, you know. | ||
| You're a big fan. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| If anybody born in 1984, if you don't like Michael Keaton, then you know what? | ||
| Get out of the world. | ||
| Go to the ocean and just swim the direction not of land. | ||
| Just keep swimming until you're nothing. | ||
| If you're anti-Michael Keaton, you're anti everything that's good. | ||
| Beetlejuice, The Best Batman, Multiplicity. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| What is it, that movie he played, there was him and it was a couple that was renting him an apartment and he didn't want to leave. | ||
| Remember, he was like some crazy scammer. | ||
| It was like San Francisco. | ||
| It was about San Francisco because San Francisco has like insane real estate. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'll find it. | ||
| He, um, yeah, it was like, I forget the name of it, but I think it was with a dude from Vision Quest 2. Did you ever see that movie, Vision Quest? | ||
| The original Vision Quest, the wrestling movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Matthew Modine, remember? | ||
| I think he was in that movie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Night Shift? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll find it. | ||
| The Squeeze. | ||
| It was like Pacific something or another. | ||
| Pacific Heights? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That was a good fucking movie. | ||
| He's been in a lot of... | ||
| He was in Noah's Ark. | ||
| The New Beginning. | ||
| He was a voice of Noah. | ||
| What kind of a piece of shit was that movie? | ||
| Was that the one we watched? | ||
| No. | ||
| We tried to watch, you should say. | ||
| We tried to watch the new Noah movie with Russell Crowe. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Shit was that bad. | ||
| And he only watched part of what was bad. | ||
| You didn't watch. | ||
| You gave up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We all gave up. | ||
| Jamie gave up, too. | ||
| But I hung in there. | ||
| I fucking took more blows than both of you. | ||
| I tapped. | ||
| It was gross. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| And then it got to like, so it became, at first it was like, there was like monsters and stuff, like rock monsters and bad people and it was so like predictable and goofy. | ||
| But then when it got on the boat and when they were dealing with the flood, then it became like this weird, you know, sort of like when Walking Dead got all about people, you know, and everybody got kind of bummed out. | ||
| It's just like interpersonal shit between people. | ||
| That's what it is on this stupid boat with Noah. | ||
| You would think this story would have a better arc, but it just doesn't. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You can't help yourself! | ||
| I really can't. | ||
| You can't help yourself! | ||
| I can't. | ||
| So what's new in Tony Hinchcliffe's life? | ||
| What's cracking? | ||
| What do you got going on? | ||
| Just having fun, man. | ||
| Just did a lot of touring with you. | ||
| I'm really excited about some little things coming up, a little few writing projects that I already sort of pitched and waiting for the good word for that. | ||
| Really, I'm most excited about Kill Tony. | ||
| I care about it a lot, and I love it. | ||
| That should be a TV show. | ||
| It really should. | ||
| I just love it. | ||
| We're having so much fun every Monday. | ||
| The last ten episodes have been our best episodes. | ||
| It's running like a machine. | ||
| The room is packed every Monday. | ||
| There's buzz. | ||
| I feel like it's just fun and cool. | ||
| I'm bringing it to Columbus, Ohio, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you guys gonna do it live? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Now when you do it live, you're gonna use local comics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many comics do you have in Columbus? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many? | ||
| When I used to do open mic there, there was at least 50 comics that would sit there and we would all have to audition. | ||
| In front of other comics just to do three minutes. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Fifty. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot back then. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| So many people, you know, ask. | ||
| They get a tweet a day at least. | ||
| Hey, bring it to Vancouver. | ||
| How do you pick? | ||
| Like, for folks who don't know how the show works, everybody goes up and does a minute. | ||
| How many comics do you have on a show? | ||
| Well, usually about 20 to 30 sign up and usually about 12 to 15 get on. | ||
| And you decide how many go on how? | ||
| It just depends. | ||
| See, that's the part of the format that's a little bit more loose is how long we spend on each person is totally dependent on how we feel with them up there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So for folks who don't know, the person does a minute and then the professional comics goof on them. | ||
| Oh, we talk to them. | ||
| Maybe we try to coax them into writing a new bit by asking them questions about their life, where they're from, bah-ba-dee-bah. | ||
| Or goof on them. | ||
| Or goof on them, right. | ||
| We had a guy wearing what looked like cum-stained shorts on for his first movie. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's like, I came here all the way from Tuscaloosa, Alabama to do my first set of stand-up. | |
| And he's wearing these terrible shorts, and of course, I'm going to light him up. | ||
| He probably lives in Silver Lake and it's a character he's working on. | ||
| He's probably totally fake. | ||
| He's probably a hipster. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just fucking with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just decided to make an art piece out of doing really bad, obvious stand-up. | ||
| We used to make fun of people a lot harder. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What changed? | ||
| Death threats? | ||
| No. | ||
| Violence itself? | ||
| No, I think the show is a little bit cooler and more positive. | ||
| Something that I found out through the show, because I like making fun of people and roasting. | ||
| It's definitely a part of my... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Toolbox. | ||
| But I think the show organically grew. | ||
| I think it's more satisfying for somebody to come up with something that's genuinely funny and only they can do and try to figure out what that is in a short allotted amount of time. | ||
| It's like watching a baby being born. | ||
| Like a little comedy baby. | ||
| Like if, you know, whatever. | ||
| The guy's an Indian guy from whatever and it turns out to be I don't know. | ||
| We just had Sinbad also on recently and Jeff Garland. | ||
| And you guys did that at the Comedy Store, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've done most of the episodes out of there. | ||
| Every Monday 8 o'clock at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And if anybody wants to sign up, how far in advance do they have to get there? | ||
| That day? | ||
| That day? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Just show up, do it. | ||
| Just show up. | ||
| That's the same way with the open mic there, right? | ||
| Still? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's one of the few places like that. | ||
| The lab factory signed up, but you have to wait in line, and then you're waiting in line for the next week, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's just torture people that are going to work for free for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, the idea is to make them work hard for some reason. | |
| Make them earn it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| You can just as easily have them go up that day. | ||
| And why do you have to have them wait in line? | ||
| Make them sign up and then pick from the people that sign up. | ||
| For the same reason that the Laugh Factory does everything that they do. | ||
| Because they think a line outside of their place makes them look busy. | ||
| That's how they do it. | ||
| That's why they'd rather not sell drinks on a patio or in a back bar or an upstairs or in anything. | ||
| They'd rather make it look like it's busy by putting a little line around the front. | ||
| That's their whole trick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, there's something happening. | ||
| Look, there's people waiting on a sidewalk. | ||
| No, those are young comics standing in 95 degree heat for no reason for five hours a day. | ||
| Literally for hours and hours. | ||
| People will get there. | ||
| Yeah, I've passed by there. | ||
| I did Don Marrera's podcast and it was during the day. | ||
| And there was a bunch of people that were there. | ||
| Well, it was actually Eliza's podcast I did out of there recently during the day. | ||
| There was a bunch of people there just sitting there for no fucking reason. | ||
| And they have to stay there. | ||
| Which is like ensuring someone that they can't make a living. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you don't require anything of them. | ||
| Why are you making them stay there? | ||
| Right. | ||
| How hard is it to... | ||
| Jesus, Jamie Masada. | ||
| This is two days in a row we've been talking shit about you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Meanwhile, it's the first 15 people or whatever that get there. | ||
| But they'll make them wait all day. | ||
| Body is very important, body. | ||
| We have to get them to sit. | ||
| You know, we have system. | ||
| We teach. | ||
| We teach them. | ||
| They do good jobs. | ||
| They do what we tell them. | ||
| You should get him on the podcast, Joe. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nope. | |
| I did a podcast with him and Don Marrera, if you want to listen to it. | ||
| I love Jamie, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I do love the guy. | ||
| And the guy is responsible for keeping open one of the top clubs in the country. | ||
| That club is one of the best clubs in LA, which makes it one of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| Why are you making that face? | ||
| What did you want to say? | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| I don't think the colors yellow and blue and orange belong anywhere near. | ||
| Because you're a dark man with a dark soul. | ||
| You're damn right, baby. | ||
| That's why you should be dressed in gold, dancing around, going, THE UNDERTAKER STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN! I can't believe it! | ||
| So silly. | ||
| You're right though. | ||
| There's something about comedy like dark. | ||
| Dark seems to be like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Give me a low ceiling. | ||
| Pitch it black. | ||
| Dark. | ||
| Just a mic and a mic stand. | ||
| A stool. | ||
| That's all I fucking want. | ||
| Speaking of which, you're going to be at the Comedy Works. | ||
| You're going to get a date there to headline after you work there with me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| I was so happy I picked that place. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's the best. | |
| That's the spot. | ||
| Yeah, Wendy's awesome. | ||
| She really is. | ||
| But that club is also the perfect setup. | ||
| Literally the perfect setup for comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Totally. | |
| Hanging out with her was really interesting because I never really got to hang with Mitzi. | ||
| I know it's two different people and everything, but the amazing maternal... | ||
| energy that I felt from her and love of stand-up comedy made me feel like I sort of got it from being a comedy store guy but in a post-Mitsy era. | ||
| It was amazing to get to hang with a powerful comedy woman like that. | ||
| Yeah, she's awesome. | ||
| There's only a few people like that in the country that are responsible for scenes. | ||
| The comedy scenes in cities can be directly dependent upon a single club sometimes. | ||
| Cap City is a big one for Austin. | ||
| That's another place we worked at recently. | ||
| That's the hub. | ||
| That's the big spot in Austin. | ||
| That is the big club in Austin, Texas. | ||
| And there's a few of those all across the country. | ||
| It's kind of amazing that they haven't tried to move in with an improv in Austin. | ||
| How has the improv missed on Austin, Texas? | ||
| I mean, they have one in Houston, but it's kind of in a sketch neighborhood, apparently. | ||
| But there's no more independent club in Houston anymore. | ||
| There used to be the Laugh Stop, which was one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| And that club, the Laugh Stopper, is responsible for Bill Hicks... | ||
| Sam Kinison. | ||
| Even Janine Garofalo, I think, did a lot of her early stuff out of the Laugh Stop. | ||
| It was just a completely different kind of club. | ||
| And that one club defined that whole town's comedy scene. | ||
| Houston, at one point in time, was one of the best comedy scenes in the country. | ||
| Some of the best up-and-coming young talent was coming out of Houston. | ||
| It was weird, but that club goes under, that one club goes under, and then the whole thing just kind of like drifts off. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to keep a scene. | ||
| So when you find someone like Wendy, you gotta appreciate the fuck out of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I love that, you know, I mean, anybody who would see me talking a bunch of crazy, dark, evil stuff before you and go, hey, you're cool. | ||
| You want to do a weekend here? | ||
| Like, it's like, wow. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Yeah, but, you know, everybody's always looking for an excuse why to not... | ||
| Even though it's funny, it's like... | ||
| Everybody's always like, oh, you know, it's so dark. | ||
| Why don't you do some more happy stuff? | ||
| Why do you keep saying so dark? | ||
| You're just funny, man. | ||
| It's not like it's disgusting or ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Are you looking down on your own act or something? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It's so dark, so dark. | ||
| You're not that dark. | ||
| Well, I always get told... | ||
| People's theories on why this and why that. | ||
| Why things aren't happening? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who are you talking to? | ||
| Agents? | ||
| Managers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those people, you shouldn't talk to them. | ||
| You know what my manager told me the other day? | ||
| Please tell me. | ||
| He goes, you need to not be so much of a wrestling villain. | ||
| You're like a pro wrestling villain. | ||
| And I don't think that goes well with stand-up comedy. | ||
| Nobody's ever done that before. | ||
| And I go, did you hear what you just said? | ||
| I go, nobody's ever done that before. | ||
| You just said it. | ||
| He's an idiot. | ||
| Get a new one. | ||
| Get a new manager. | ||
| You can't tell someone they're too much of an anything. | ||
| He doesn't have any idea why you're funny. | ||
| No one has any idea why you're funny other than you. | ||
| That sounds ridiculous, but... | ||
| No, you're absolutely right. | ||
| The only people that can help you are other pro comics that work with you, that kind of see things, they go, maybe if you're this or maybe if you're that, and then you take it into consideration. | ||
| Knowing it's coming from someone who actually knows what they're talking about, but someone who's never done stand-up trying to tell you what does or does not make you funny, they can't do it. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| It's just a wasted conversation. | ||
| Buddy, you should be Generation X guy. | ||
| Go on stage. | ||
| Everything come out of your mouth is about Generation X. Jamie Masada actually said that to one of my friends. | ||
| You know what Jamie told me. | ||
| I've told you this, right? | ||
| I have the best one ever. | ||
| Please. | ||
| You used to have to do the... | ||
| You'd wait for hours to do the open mic, and then you go, Hey, everybody, if you want, if you stick around after the open mic, you can go up to Jamie, and the owner of the Live Factory, Jamie, will give you his advice on your career. | ||
| What'd he say to you? | ||
| Buddy, buddy, very funny. | ||
| You wear a cowboy hat. | ||
| You make it. | ||
| Come back with cowboy hat. | ||
| I put you on stage. | ||
| So did you? | ||
| I took... | ||
| I didn't go back there. | ||
| There's a cartoon. | ||
| You're already in it. | ||
| No, it's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gonna die. | |
| Did you think about it? | ||
| Like thinking if you came back with a cowboy hat, at least you'd get another spot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That'd be a funny bit if you had a fucking cowboy hat that you kept in your trunk just when you did the laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| That's a great idea. | ||
| Jamie, remember me? | ||
| It's Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I took your advice, got the cowboy hat. | ||
| Shit's been booming. | ||
| Do you ever do the Laugh Factory? | ||
| Yeah, do it when I do Dom's show. | ||
| I'm doing it next Tuesday before I do Ari's TV show. | ||
| I'm going to warm up at the Laugh Factory Tuesday night, tell my story at the Laugh Factory, and then go do Ari's storyteller show. | ||
| Next Tuesday the 9th in Hollywood. | ||
| Miss Pat will be in town. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's fucking podcast over. | ||
| You can find Tony Hinchcliffe on Twitter. | ||
| His Twitter handle is Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| It should say Super Twink in the title, but it does not. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I went looking, but it just doesn't seem to be up there. | ||
| Super Twink. | ||
| Come see me, Red Band and Tiffany Haddish in Michigan, Columbus, and Phoenix. | ||
| Phoenix, yeah. | ||
| So look for those dates. | ||
| Yeah, go to deathsquad.tv for all that information. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe is T-O-N-Y-H-I-N-C-H-C-L-I-F-F-E on Twitter. | ||
| And what's your website? | ||
| TonyHinchcliffe.com. | ||
| And please listen to the Kill Tony. | ||
| If you haven't listened to Kill Tony, why don't you start with your pal Joe Rogan and Dom Irera. | ||
| I believe it's episode 48 for some reason, I remember. | ||
| Enjoy it, you fucks. | ||
| And thanks to our sponsors. | ||
| Thank you, thank you, thank you to ZipRecruiter. | ||
| Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan and you can post jobs for free. | ||
| By going to ZipRecruiter.com forward slash Rogan. | ||
| And with one click, you can get your job up at 50 plus job sites, including Craigslist, LinkedIn, and Twitter. | ||
| All with a single click. | ||
| So thank you to them. | ||
| And thanks also to DraftKings. | ||
| Go to DraftKings.com. | ||
| Enter in the code word Rogan to get a free entry into week one. | ||
| One. | ||
| Five million dollar kickoff bash. | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| I said five million dollars, you dirty fuck. | ||
| So go to DraftKings.com, enter in the promo code ROGAN. And thanks also to Onnit.com, that's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright, we'll be back next week. | ||
| Until then, enjoy your life, you dirty fucks. |
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