Aug. 11, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:51:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, dorks. | ||
| Hello, fellow dorks. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That's better. | ||
| Because that means I'm a dork, too. | ||
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|
unidentified
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Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | |
| Young Chris D'Elia out there in the wild, the wild of Hollywood, on a billboard. | ||
| I'm driving up La Cienega. | ||
| I see your face with some other people I don't know. | ||
| Looking sexy. | ||
| I like young. | ||
| I like that he's young. | ||
| You're still young for now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I know. | ||
| I still kind of feel young. | ||
| 34? | ||
|
unidentified
|
34? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm 47 today. | ||
| today and do you feel 47 no but i take all kinds of shit to keep me feeling fucking fresh and fucking hormones and fucking athletic supplements and shit you know guys like you guys like you just make me feel like i'm gonna die soon because you you seem like a buddy i would hang with like that and you know you are but like you seem like somebody that's my age and then when i realize oh yeah you're not i'm like how the fuck am i gonna feel because i definitely feel less energetic than i was when i was 25. | ||
| Yeah, but what do you do about it? | ||
| It's all about what do you do about your body. | ||
| Do you exercise? | ||
| How often do you exercise? | ||
| I used to exercise so much. | ||
| Besides humping? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's my cardio right there. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's my cardio. | |
| I used to exercise so much, and I just don't, man. | ||
| Yeah, you got to. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Especially when you hit your 30s. | ||
| Is it hot in here, Jamie, or is it me? | ||
| I'll turn it up. | ||
| Yeah, turn the AC on, man. | ||
| I'm fucking sweating. | ||
| I think maybe it's just Chris D'Elia been in the room. | ||
|
unidentified
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Young Chris D'Elia. | |
| You got to take care of it. | ||
| Otherwise, it starts atrophying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no other way around it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| If you don't, your body's going to slowly atrophy. | ||
| I got to. | ||
| I got to. | ||
| And I just keep saying I got to, but then it's like I do the road. | ||
|
unidentified
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So, you know, I do the road, and it's like, when are you going to fucking start? | |
| And then it's like, you know, that's the hardest part. | ||
| I know what, you know, you're like, yeah, you just fucking do it. | ||
| But it's like, you just got to write it down. | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Write it down. | ||
| Write down what you have to do in a day, and then do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The writing in the down thing is fucking hard. | |
| You've been putting the pen on the paper and making marks. | ||
| And, you know, I'm really not lazy. | ||
| I'm really not. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| You're constantly doing sets. | ||
| You're always working on your act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see you at the improv. | ||
| You're there almost every night. | ||
| You're there constantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not lazy when it comes to stand-up. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| But that's also because stand-up is like just such a rewarding thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Immediately people are like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But if you work out, there's nobody there that's like, yeah. | ||
| But if you don't. | ||
| See, like, if you had an amazing body and you took your shirt off and people went, holy shit, Crystal. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And then it became what you have now. | ||
| You'd be like, what the fuck happened to my body? | ||
| My amazing body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now you're just used to having a normal body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so it's become okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The other thing is, too, like, I'm pretty lucky with genes. | ||
| My genes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm like, you know, I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to do shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not going to get fat real easy. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| And I eat pretty well. | ||
| I don't eat like shit, you know? | ||
| So. | ||
| That's a bummer for people that don't. | ||
| Like, they have those slow genes. | ||
| No matter what happens, they just start gaining fat really quickly. | ||
| That is a drag. | ||
| That is really. | ||
| You're just, those are the cards, dude. | ||
| Ectomorph is what it's called, right? | ||
| Or endomorph. | ||
| Endomorph. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Endomorph is the fat one. | ||
| Ectomorph is the people that can't put on weight no matter what they do. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I will start. | ||
|
unidentified
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You will. | |
| Someday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I feel. | ||
| You don't want to start when it's already fading, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, right now, you still look good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You look athletic and trim. | ||
| I feel good, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You feel good. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| Everything's good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It'll go, though. | ||
| No matter what. | ||
| But then there's like, I have this guy that does my podcast sometimes, a trainer. | ||
| His name is Steve Maxwell. | ||
| Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. | ||
| 60, what is he? | ||
| 63? | ||
| 64? | ||
| Yeah, that sounds right. | ||
| 64. | ||
| Fucking guy looks great. | ||
| He's ripped. | ||
| Shredded. | ||
| Six pack. | ||
| Works out all the time. | ||
| Just constantly at it. | ||
| Never gives his body a chance to get old and floppy. | ||
| That's so fucking awesome, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just, you know. | ||
| My thing is also, like, for me, like, I'll focus on one thing and I'll just obsess about it. | ||
| And what that is, is comedy to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, that's stand-up to me. | ||
| I mean, I told you I trained, like, for five years. | ||
| Where'd you train at again? | ||
| With John Machado. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| And I did it, like, every day. | ||
| And I worked out. | ||
| i lifted weights dude and it was just what i did right and then i did stand up and i was like oh what the fuck am i doing rolling around because it wasn't it you know i found out that that wasn't me you know like i got to a point where i was like good for me but it was like other guys were this was their life yeah you know and then once i did stand up it was just so so obvious that that was who i was and that was my life that i was like oh i'm just gonna excel at this, I feel like, if I work really hard. | ||
| And I did. | ||
| Well, stand-up is a strange thing. | ||
| You definitely do work really hard. | ||
| Like I said, I see you there all the time. | ||
| But stand-up is a strange thing in that its potential is entirely based on like the contents of your mind and putting it all together. | ||
| And it's all, the whole thing is you. | ||
| It's not like, you know, like jiu-jitsu, there's moves, there's armbars, there's triangles. | ||
| And you could be very creative and you could even come up with your own moves. | ||
| But with stand-up, like literally everything. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Everything that you can think of could possibly be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can, and you could, you know, I remember, like, especially when I first started out, not being able to figure out, like, I had pad after pad filled with these ideas that were just ridiculously stupid ideas. | ||
| They could never be comedy. | ||
| But I was trying to figure out what are the ideas that I could come up with that could be comedy. | ||
| You know, because some of them I would, like, I'll still to this day, I'll go back and find some of my old notebooks. | ||
| And I was like, how did you ever make it, you fucking idiot? | ||
| You get embarrassed when you read this shit. | ||
| You're just like, yeah. | ||
| That's like when now I watch old tapes of me, like when I'm like, oh, what? | ||
| Oh, it's hard. | ||
| It's hard to watch tapes from a couple of years ago. | ||
| I know, yeah. | ||
| It's hard to fucking look at a picture and see how you used to dress a couple years ago. | ||
| But there are those pictures. | ||
| Photos of me from news radio when I had earrings. | ||
| Two earrings. | ||
| Everyone was in one ear. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, wow. | |
| I had earrings, though. | ||
| I mean, you know, it's like. | ||
| Can you even fucking imagine me with earrings? | ||
| No, I can't now. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's just so not me. | ||
| But I did it. | ||
| I was at the fucking mall and I was like, I'm getting a fucking earring. | ||
| Those ones that they punch it through and it's a fake diamond. | ||
| Absolutely, man. | ||
| I got one of those. | ||
| Yeah, me and my roommates, we all went at the same time, got our ears pierced. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| My one roommate was crazy. | ||
| He went both ears, pirate style. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My brother had two ears, both ears, yeah. | ||
| That's a gangster move. | ||
| Especially in the 90s. | ||
| You look at, and you look at those, yeah, and you look at those pictures and you think, oh, man, like you're like, how did I get any pussy? | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| Not even like, I mean, I know it's funny, but like, not even to be funny. | ||
| Like, how did somebody be like, yeah, that guy? | ||
| Yeah, well, that girl settled just like guys. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| I don't want to think a girl is settling with me, though. | ||
| That doesn't go well with me. | ||
| I actually stopped wearing an earring because of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because I used to have to take it out every time I rolled. | ||
| No, tape it. | ||
| Who fucking tapes it? | ||
| I saw guys tape it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, just tape it. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| I don't know why they wouldn't just fucking take it out. | ||
| I know dudes who tape their ears because they have those stretchy things. | ||
| You know, they have those giant holes in their ears. | ||
| And so they pull the end together and tape it. | ||
| There's a guy who fights in the UFC that's not. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, they put those. | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| They're called wrong. | ||
| What are they called? | ||
| Plugs? | ||
| Plugs. | ||
| Those things are ridiculous. | ||
| Those are, yeah. | ||
| But that's a whole culture. | ||
| There was girls like that that'll be like, yeah, fuck that guy. | ||
| Yeah, because he's got the biggest holes in his mirrors. | ||
| Well, it's like those African women that have those plates. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Surrey, Surrey women, they have those plates in their lips, and the larger the plate, the more cattle they're worth when they get married. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| I don't know about that at all. | ||
| I mean, I know about that. | ||
| I've seen it, but yeah. | ||
| That's a strange choice. | ||
| It is weird when you think about, well, also, that's attractive to them, right? | ||
| Not anymore, apparently. | ||
| The word is that, obviously, I'm not hanging around with a lot of African broths. | ||
| But the word is that it was much more common, but now women are rebelling against it. | ||
| A lot of young women don't do it because they have to bang their teeth out. | ||
| Their lower teeth. | ||
| Yeah, as the plate gets larger, like as you start doing that, it starts going into your mouth and you drool constantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, none of that, man. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Like, just less pain always. | ||
| No banging teeth out. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| It doesn't, I mean, that's a weird thing. | ||
| Like what culture like decides is beautiful. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's also like different in the world currently. | ||
| Like you go fucking thousands of miles across the world and it's completely different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's still now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is crazy to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now. | ||
| 2014. | ||
| There's a chick in Africa walking around with a giant plate on her lip. | ||
| And some dude's like, oh man, I want to fuck that girl. | ||
| Look at that plate. | ||
| I could put my food on her plate and fuck her at the same time. | ||
|
unidentified
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But if it were us here, we would be like, oh, yeah, it'd be too hard to fuck her. | |
| She's got a plate with her. | ||
| But imagine if that became hot. | ||
| Imagine if that, I mean, if it became hot anywhere, if it became like a style anywhere, it could be a style anywhere else. | ||
| It just needs to catch. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it's all what we fucking made up. | ||
| I mean, like, it used to be where girls who were very fair-skinned were hot because that meant they were rich and they were indoors and fucking that was awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it was, and the, and the workers got all tan because they were outside. | ||
| But then it was like, oh, fucking tan chicks are hot because they have a lot of money because they go vacation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the fair girls were not hot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then it turned around again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where it's like, well, that girl doesn't want cancer. | ||
| So she's got the money to know and have the skincare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's like, we're just making that shit up with our minds. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I used to date a girl who used to tan a lot. | ||
| And I had to talk to her. | ||
| I go, you know, you're not, you don't look better when you're tanned. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You look great when you're pale. | ||
| It's just you look different. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Like, it's all in your head. | ||
| Like, some girls would be like, I can't go outside. | ||
| I'm not tanned. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| And how about like girls that are tan? | ||
| Like Filipino girls would be like, I can't. | ||
| I'm so, I need to get tan. | ||
| You're like, you are, like, you got that. | ||
| You're brown. | ||
| You're lucky. | ||
| You don't have to do that shit and get cancer. | ||
| Well, even weirder, there's a lot of Filipinos that take this stuff called glutathione. | ||
| It's an amino acid, but they have it injected in their skin somehow to lighten their skin tone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like permanently lighten their skin tone. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| There's like a whole procedure involving this glutathione stuff where it's very common with Filipinos, apparently. | ||
| Chicks will, yeah, it's just kind of, they'll just do whatever to make themselves look whatever. | ||
| But then there's dudes that do that too, and that's just absolutely not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's certain things that dudes do that like immediately I can't talk to them. | ||
| Like if you're waxing your eyebrows, we have nothing to say to each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have two earrings, really. | ||
| If you have a unibrow and you want to like get that unibrow trimmed, I get that. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But if you have like sculpted eyebrows, you can go fuck yourself. | ||
| I can't talk to you, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| You're trying too hard, man. | ||
| Yeah, there is... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like, just let it go or have it not at all. | |
| Yeah, like, especially if you have like stripes. | ||
| Well, shave. | ||
| Of course that. | ||
| I mean, honestly, if you're a fucking like, you know, fighter or some shit, and you're just like, I'm going to put lines in my beard because I'm crazy to be fucking to then fine. | ||
| But if you're just like a guy and you work at crate and barrel and you're just like, dude, it's fucking on with my sideburns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of work involved in that. | ||
| Just you're peacocking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Callum was talking about this once in a book he read about a reason why men disdain men who wear a lot of jewelry. | ||
| And then it goes back to the hunting days that men who would wear like shiny, flashy things, they would distract animals. | ||
| Like they would be a problem on hunting journeys. | ||
| And the same thing with men who talk too much. | ||
| Like men were like, if you look at like movies where there's a hero and the hero is like someone to be looked up to, they're always very stoic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very quiet. | ||
|
unidentified
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Quiet. | |
| Very collected and quiet. | ||
| They know how to stay calm. | ||
| They keep their shit together. | ||
| Because those are qualities valued in hunting parties. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Isn't it weird? | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| Which is like with women, the difference in the way women communicate with each other and the difference between the way men communicate with each other. | ||
| Like men value stoicism. | ||
| Men value a guy who can keep his shit together when the chips are down. | ||
| But when women would be gathering and making food and shit, when men were off being quiet and sneaking up on animals, the women would be talking all kinds of shit about the men. | ||
| This motherfucker's going, he's running around out there hunting with his beads on and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scared out all the demons. | |
| You know, like that's the reason why the culture of females, the culture of men, it has to do with hunting and gathering. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking crazy and deep. | ||
| But what about then you get the movies with the female characters that are common, collected, and cool? | ||
| Yeah, those are fiction. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, okay. | ||
| But, I mean, it's all fiction, but then that, yeah, and then I'll watch that and be like, come on. | ||
| Well, there's movies. | ||
| But then I feel like I'm sexist. | ||
| You are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But not because of that. | |
| I am too. | ||
| But not really. | ||
| I mean, look, it's more realistic than sexist. | ||
| It's not saying that those possibilities don't exist. | ||
| They can absolutely exist. | ||
| But the reality is most of the time they don't. | ||
| I think there's, you know what anthropomorphism is? | ||
| It's like we put human characteristics to animals, like Yogi Bear and shit. | ||
| We give them a human... | ||
| I think we also do that with gender. | ||
| Like Brian Holtzman, you know Brian Holtzman? | ||
| Brian Holtzman had this fucking bit that he was doing about Charlie's Angels when Charlie's Angels came out and Drew Barrymore was kicking people and knocking them out. | ||
| And he goes, it's a fucking woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, it's a fucking woman. | |
| She's not beating up nobody. | ||
| Come here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come here. | |
| And he goes, if that was my woman and she thought she was going to go out there, fight crime, I'd beat her fucking ass. | ||
| I'd beat her fucking ass right in the house. | ||
| You're a woman. | ||
| That guy's truly funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's one of the most hilarious guys that, for whatever reason, never made it. | ||
| And, you know, I mean, I got to get him on the podcast if anybody. | ||
| Yeah, you definitely should. | ||
| He's just like, but he'll also go, he would go up at like 1 a.m. and walk the room. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But, but the 17 people that stayed would be crying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crying. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| He had this bit, the Brian Holtzman bit that I always quote about Susan Smith after she drowned her kids. | ||
| Remember that woman? | ||
| The woman who pretended somebody else did it. | ||
| He went on stage like a week after this happened. | ||
| He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard they were bad kids. | ||
| They sat that close to the TV. | ||
| They didn't put away their blocks. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| They were always spilling the milk. | ||
| Those kids will not be missed. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| But it's funny the way he does it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's awful. | ||
| It is awful. | ||
| It's awful, but it's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember when there was that Florida? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| There was a really cheap airline that I forget what it was, Express Air or something like that, some Airbus. | ||
| It was like a really cheap airline, and they went down the Everglades. | ||
| And he had this hilarious bit about trying to walk his dog, and there's fucking body parts washing up on the shore. | ||
| And these people with their fucking cheap airline tickets. | ||
| His anger and disdain was at these fucking people too stupid to buy a regular airplane ticket. | ||
| And now he had to deal with it. | ||
| I'm trying to walk my dog. | ||
| I'm trying to walk my dog. | ||
| My dog's picking up feet and shit. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| You had to see it. | ||
| I'm not doing the guys material any justice. | ||
| But yeah, he's one of those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know where the fuck he is. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| He was a meter maid. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He actually looks like he would be a meter maid. | ||
| We'd be like, this fucking guy. | ||
| And you'd be like, what does this guy do? | ||
| What does this guy do besides this? | ||
| And the answer is he fucking goes on stage. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, it didn't make any sense because he was so good. | ||
| He was so good, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like, I'm like, how are you not like? | ||
| But what led him to be so good was like he had the stage. | ||
| His stage was the store. | ||
| He very rarely did anywhere but the store. | ||
| Yeah, he would do the Laugh Factory sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, and it didn't feel right. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He would be up there with Joe Coy and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, right. | |
| Everybody's bubbly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People were so happy. | |
| And then fucking Travis Bickel would come up, the real life Travis Bickel, and just people would be like, oh no, this is not for me. | ||
| Yeah, there's those guys that everybody knows and everybody remembers that, you know, are like, you know, what you would call comics comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like for comics, those are the guys. | ||
| Like, if you ask a lot of comics to go to the store, who's like your 10 favorite comics ever? | ||
| A lot of them are going to say Holtzman. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, Brody's like that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But Brody's catching on at least. | ||
| He's got a Communication show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| HBO? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| HBO, Communicentral? | ||
| Communication. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the internet can help you do that. | |
| When Holtzman was, you know, young, there was no internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like now people can find what they want. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| Well, it's also true that you used to need a network. | ||
| Like we were talking about this before the podcast started. | ||
| You used to need a network. | ||
| You used to need someone to come along and say, hey, you are the guy. | ||
| We're going to put you as the star of our show. | ||
| You're going to be this guy. | ||
| But now all you have to do is have like a funny video on YouTube. | ||
| And then everybody goes, who's that guy? | ||
| And then they send it to their friends at work. | ||
| And next thing you know, it's passed around to the office. | ||
| And the next thing you know, like look at Russell Peters. | ||
| Russell Peters became gigantic, not because of television, because of fucking YouTube. | ||
| Russell Peters sells out the O2 Arena in London, two shows in a row. | ||
| That's like 18,000 fucking seats or something like that. | ||
| I mean, he's gigantic. | ||
| And that's all because just because he was funny. | ||
| Nobody picked him. | ||
| Nobody, you know, and that can happen now. | ||
| But when Holtzman was around, especially when Holtzman started, it just didn't exist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No network guy would be like, hey, you be on my sitcom. | |
| You be the lead. | ||
| You would never take the chance. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You took the chance with that guy. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck he would do? | ||
| You know, like we were talking about guys getting in trouble for saying things off their show. | ||
| Off their show on stage as a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, I remember the rumor was, I don't know if it was substantiated or not, but that ABC had told Tim Allen to stop doing stand-up while he was doing homework. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, he was on this huge sitcom and his stand-up, even though... | ||
| Back then, yeah. | ||
| What did he talk about, though? | ||
| He would talk about being a man. | ||
| Yeah, but apparently, like, people could think that it was sexist or it could be too harsh for a family show. | ||
| Because, like, that was the other thing with Bob Sagitt. | ||
| Bob Sagat had this super family show, and he's real dirty. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, he didn't do stand-up at all while he was on that show at all. | ||
| Yeah, I guess he didn't, huh? | ||
| No. | ||
| They must have. | ||
| Well, also, he was getting so much money. | ||
| Maybe he just didn't feel the need to do it. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I mean, it probably had something to do with his willingness to say yes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, I, but that, to me, it's like I've gotten everything from stand-up. | ||
| So to not do that is just weird to me. | ||
| Like, I can't wait to get off set and go on stage. | ||
| When I was on news radio. | ||
| But did you, you did it? | ||
| You did stand-up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Always, right? | ||
| Always. | ||
| Never stopped. | ||
| I did get lazy, though. | ||
| There was a time in the early 90s when I first got on television, like 94, 95. | ||
| I did fuck all with my act. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I just did what you do. | ||
| Did the jokes that I had been doing for years, and I didn't write at all. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| At least a year. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| And then one day, some of the writers from News Radio came to see me at the store, and I had a late-night spot and I ate dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Ooh, it was ugly. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd love to see you eat dick. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I went down, dude. | ||
| And it was in front of somebody I respected, a couple of people that I respected, and it just wasn't good. | ||
| And I realized that I had been coasting. | ||
| I was like, God, this is not good. | ||
| A few moments in my career, the real standout eat dick moments, like there'd been some bad sets along the way, but there's a few standout, really eat plates of shit moments, you know? | ||
| But those moments made me way better. | ||
| And that happened to me, that moment of eating dick in front of those writers at the comedy store, in the main room, late night. | ||
| The crowd was dead. | ||
| Already bad, yeah. | ||
| There was no one there. | ||
| I mean, there might have been, plus the writers, there might have been 30 other people, and they were scattered throughout the room, maybe 50 maximum. | ||
| I don't even think 50. | ||
| It started out a full house, you know. | ||
| And then as the show goes on, I got on at like probably one o'clock in the morning or something like that. | ||
| It was just dead. | ||
| But you were on this show already, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So how did you have such a late spot? | ||
| I always had late spots. | ||
| They always gave me late spots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when I first got on news radio, I was a non-paid regular. | ||
| Mitzi used to put me on after the show was over. | ||
| So I would go on like after Mancia. | ||
| It's like when nobody knew who Mancia was. | ||
| But actually, I think he might have already gotten an HBO special by then. | ||
| I was like 94. | ||
| But my point was that at one point in time, the executive producer, he actually said to me, he goes, why are you still doing stand-up? | ||
| You're an actor now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People don't get that. | ||
| People think that when you do stand-up, it's to make it. | ||
| And you're like, oh, and then when you make it, you're like, you did it, dude. | ||
| You graduated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the, that's what, that's you, though. | |
| That's your job. | ||
| That's you. | ||
| That, to me, that's what I, like, that's why I say when I don't understand when comedians who have a show apologize for some shit they did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because it's like, that's, in a way, that's disrespecting who you are. | ||
| Unless you really feel bad about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, of course. | ||
| If you're like, yeah, you know, I mean, you know, whatever, whatever it is, fuck this, fuck that. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, well, I shouldn't have said that. | ||
| And you mean that and you feel bad, then fine. | ||
| But the thing is, we're, you know, to be a comedian means you're somebody who people are going to go to see jokes. | ||
| And if you are telling jokes and then somebody gets offended and then you say you're sorry, I didn't mean that, I shouldn't have said that, then what you're saying is you're kind of serious. | ||
| You were kind of serious on stage when you said that. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| To just be like, well, no, I'm not sorry because I was joking and I'm sorry you feel that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm not sorry for making a rape joke or whatever because it was a joke. | ||
| I was trying to fucking be funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why the only thing worse than what, what was that, Michael Richard, Michael Richards? | ||
| That was terrible. | ||
| It did not seem like a joke at all. | ||
| It seemed real as fuck. | ||
| Well, were you around back then? | ||
| I was like an open micer at the Ha Ha Cafe when that shit happened. | ||
| And I kind of knew Frasier Smith a little bit because he was who was hosting that night, you know? | ||
| And I was like, oh, wow, Frasier was hosting that night. | ||
| And when that happened, when you saw that, like, there's nobody in the right mind that would have seen what went down with Michael Richards on stage and been like, oh, no, he was joking around. | ||
| Well, Michael Richards is the exact opposite because Michael Richards started out as an actor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Got super famous and then tried to be a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| That's real fucking tough. | ||
| That's way harder. | ||
| It's way fucking harder. | ||
| You know, Charlie Murphy did that too. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Charlie Murphy was an actor for his entire career, then got on Chappelle Show. | ||
| And then when he was on Chappelle Show, everybody wanted him to do stand-up. | ||
| And then he started doing stand-up like headlining. | ||
| Wow, that's, I can't fucking imagine that. | ||
| He's got balls. | ||
| Charlie Murphy has giant fucking iron balls. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Michael Richards. | ||
| But what happened with Michael Richards was then when he went on to Letterman to apologize, it was even worse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, he was talking about the war in Iraq. | |
| It was like, dude, just say you're sorry or whatever. | ||
| And then he said something, he called black people blacks, which just sounds, you're like, yeah, you're so out of touch. | ||
| Just blacks. | ||
| Especially if you say the blacks. | ||
| It was just, it was just, all you had to do was be like, yo, I was. | ||
| Look, we've all been in that situation as a comedian where something goes wrong and you're like, and you, and you push the envelope. | ||
| And, and, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. | ||
| Like, I remember one time a lady mouthed off at me in the audience and I called her a cunt a bunch of times, okay? | ||
| Whether or not I feel like I should have done that, the point is, is I'm, you're up there fighting for your fucking life, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you fuck up, so be it. | |
| This is a safe place. | ||
| You're a comedian and you're an entertainer. | ||
| And if they, if they try to fuck with you, you're just kind of fighting for your life. | ||
| And if somebody were to have seen that and say, oh, Chris DeLia called a woman a cunt out of context, that sounds fucking terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I was trying to be funny about it, you know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So to just, I can't imagine, I mean, God, his apology was so bad. | |
| It was so bad. | ||
| It's also you're trying to figure out how to get out of a situation on the fly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like when Michael Richards was on stage, the scenario was Michael Richards was on stage and these guys were heckling him. | ||
| And Michael Richards, look, he was a bad comedian. | ||
| I don't even know his stuff at all. | ||
| I never knew. | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| I saw it live in the flesh. | ||
| He was terrible. | ||
| He would go on stage and everyone would be waiting for the funny stuff to start. | ||
| Because he's so funny in Seinfeld. | ||
| Yeah, because he's Seinfeld. | ||
| He's Kramer. | ||
| He goes on stage and he would do these Pratt falls and stumble. | ||
| Does this work? | ||
| Does this thing even work? | ||
| He would do all this crazy shit and he would fall down. | ||
| He would slip. | ||
| And it would be, you know, kind of like silly. | ||
| Like you would thought that it was going to set up some comedy. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| But it never did. | ||
| It would never go anywhere. | ||
| And so he's at the Laugh Factory and it's like a Friday night and it's late. | ||
| It's a weekend night. | ||
| It's late and he's fucking bombing and these guys are heckling. | ||
| They're heckling him brutally. | ||
| And he just points at them and starts calling them niggers. | ||
| Like, look, there's a nigger. | ||
| There's a nigger over there. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| I mean, Jesus. | ||
| But the backstory is he was on stage at the comedy store before that. | ||
| He went and did a spot at the store and then did a spot at the factory. | ||
| And he was coked out of his gourd on stage at the store. | ||
| Oh, I didn't even know about this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he definitely enjoys stimulants. | ||
| I guess that's not surprising. | ||
| Whether or not he absolutely does cocaine. | ||
| Can I prove that in court? | ||
| No, I cannot. | ||
| Speculation was that he was coked out of his head. | ||
| But that he was like super aggressive and confident on stage for no reason. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Cocaine confidence. | ||
| You all need that. | ||
| And it was apparently just, it was ugly. | ||
| But he got through it without saying nigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| He didn't went across the street. | ||
| He should have went home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got through. | ||
| He got through that without saying the own word. | ||
| If he didn't do that set, I mean, think about that. | ||
| His life would be insanely different right now. | ||
| He would still be doing stand-up. | ||
| He would have sitcoms. | ||
| He would be beloved. | ||
| People would be taking meetings with him. | ||
| They'd be excited to see him in a movie. | ||
| It was starting to fail, though. | ||
| It was all starting to fall apart. | ||
| Stand-up will expose you. | ||
| If you're not a stand-up, it'll expose the shit out of you. | ||
| And you have to keep sharp, too. | ||
| It's like people are like, you know, my favorite, one of my favorite hours is Eddie Murphy, you know, and people are like, he should come back, he should come back. | ||
| Dude, could you imagine coming back after 30 years of not doing it? | ||
| And getting busted with transsexual hookers? | ||
| Well, you have to talk about it. | ||
| But unless you're Jim Norton and you just completely own it. | ||
| Most people can't completely own weird, perverted shit, especially if you're a kid. | ||
| That's why you're a champ movie. | ||
| That's why you can't apologize if you're a cat. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Unless you really did a Kramer. | ||
| Unless you truly feel like you fucked up. | ||
| Well, what Hayshidde could have done is he could have said, listen, I got a cocaine problem. | ||
| And I don't know if you've ever gotten cocaine, but cocaine makes an idea seem like a good idea. | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| Even people who don't do cocaine know that. | ||
| Yeah, they're aware that it's... | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I'm not that good at comedy. | ||
| I'm a good comedic actor. | ||
| But as a stand-up, I'm marginal at best. | ||
| I mean, if he owned it like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he had said that, it would have been like, oh, okay. | |
| People forgot about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They really would have. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| I think at the very least, he would have gained a lot of people's respect because it would have been like. | ||
| Yeah, like ours. | ||
| Oh, yeah, like ours. | ||
| Our respect big time. | ||
| Your peers, yeah. | ||
| Your peers that matter. | ||
| If he had done a black-only show, like if he had invited only African Americans to come to him. | ||
| Come heckle me. | ||
| Come heckle me. | ||
| Watch me get through it. | ||
| We were at the store. | ||
| I didn't see the spot that he had at the laugh actor, but we were at the store that night. | ||
| I had missed Kramer. | ||
| My spot was, I'm going to call him Kramer forever. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| I had missed him, and I had gone to the store just after his spot. | ||
| So I got there, and they were all talking about how bad he was. | ||
| It's like, oh, Kramer is all crooked up. | ||
| And so then we're hanging around in the parking lot. | ||
| We're hanging around in the parking lot. | ||
| And Brent Ernst comes over from the Laugh Factory. | ||
| And you know, Brent, he was like, yo, you ain't got to fucking believe what just went down to the laugh factory. | ||
| And so he starts telling us the whole story about Michael Richard going off and, you know, and dropping end bombs and the whole deal. | ||
| And we were like, whoa, I didn't think anything of it. | ||
| And then Monday morning, the video came out. | ||
| And then, you know, it was one of the very first of those videos that like catches someone doing something really fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the other thing, man, is that that wasn't a big thing then. | |
| And it became a big thing then. | ||
| That was one of what you're saying, one of the first times that that happened. | ||
| That is just fucking... | ||
| I mean, how many times has something like that happened undocumented? | ||
| Oh, before that? | ||
| How many times have I done things like that undocumented? | ||
| Well, I haven't because I grew up in this fucking age. | ||
| So it's like, you're getting fucked, pal. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're not getting fucked as much as 21-year-olds are getting fucked. | ||
| Like, they have no knowledge of any time before this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, at least you being 34, you can, I mean, you kind of are watching it come to fruition as you're an adult. | ||
| And you're kind of seeing all these fuck-ups happen, like the Kramer fuck-up and all these other fuck-ups, seeing them as you're becoming a successful stand-up, like, ooh, don't do that. | ||
| Ooh, learn from that guy. | ||
| Ooh, there's a mistake I don't want to make. | ||
| But these kids, like, they don't even get that. | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| Like, they make dudes exposed. | ||
| I know, but that's the thing. | ||
| There has to be some sort of backlash where it's like, where, like, look, I think I'm a good guy. | ||
| I think I'm a good guy. | ||
| I try to be good to people. | ||
| I think my friends would say that. | ||
| You're a good guy. | ||
| You're a good guy for sure. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| But I'm trying to not be braggadocious or even modest. | ||
| I'm just trying to think outside myself and think, I think I'm a good person. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I definitely fuck up. | ||
| There's absolutely things out there that if I were to run for some sort of office, I would be fucking buried before I even start. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| Even if I was really politically minded and very smart and the best candidate, there's no fucking way I would get elected because I've already done the thing that buried me and somebody's got a screenshot of it. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| So here's the thing, though. | ||
| I think that we live in a time now where you've got to just, like, look, that shit's out there. | ||
| It's videotaped somewhere. | ||
| Somebody's got something. | ||
| I fall asleep. | ||
| Chicks fucking probably take pictures of me with all the sheets. | ||
| My dick's out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| It probably is out there somewhere. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You just got to be, somebody's got to come out to the, where they get exposed and they just have, and there's a video of the guy. | ||
| Are you sorry? | ||
| Did this happen? | ||
| What do you have to say about this fucking dick pic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you just got to be like, look, you either like me or you don't. | |
| I fuck up. | ||
| You fuck up. | ||
| There's shit out there like this because of me, because of my stature and where I am. | ||
| And if you like me, you like me. | ||
| And if you don't, you don't. | ||
| And I'm sorry. | ||
| And subscribe to me or don't. | ||
| And a lot of it isn't even a fuck up. | ||
| I know, it's not. | ||
| I mean, think about that. | ||
| Like, if you're lying, like the scenario that you propose, if you're lying there and some chick takes a picture of your dick, that's not a fuck up, man. | ||
| No, it's not a fucking. | ||
| That's not a fuck-up. | ||
| It's not a fuck-up. | ||
| That's life. | ||
|
unidentified
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But if that happens to a politician, he doesn't get elected. | |
| That's true. | ||
| And that's fucking bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| But I think it's only ridiculous based on the standards of the previous generations. | ||
| It's like, I think that we're judging these politicians on these previous generation standards. | ||
| And then as time goes on, look, Obama is one of the first presidents that said he did Coke and smoked wheat. | ||
| Would have never happened in the 60s or 70s. | ||
| Never. | ||
| 70s, yeah. | ||
| You know, I retweeted this thing today. | ||
| It was about Nixon. | ||
| It was about Nixon during the Watergate administration or during the Watergate scandal. | ||
| Nixon brought in a bunch of generals and was testing the waters for taking over Congress and having a coup, having like a military intervention to take over. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| I don't want to misquote it or anything, but that guy, like he, his era was a different era. | ||
| Like the Nixon administration's era was a completely different era. | ||
| Like the standards that he was judged by was things that no one was exposed for anything in the past. | ||
| And so all of a sudden, he gets exposed. | ||
| The Watergate scandal happens. | ||
| He gets busted spying on other candidates. | ||
| And then he feels this. | ||
| It was also when Kent State happened, when they shot those kids that were protesting the Vietnam War. | ||
| And he was constantly worried about lefties, constantly worried about liberals and the liberals taking over the lefties and the East Coast lefties. | ||
| And he apparently had some crazy meeting with these generals. | ||
| And this is one of the guys says, I got the impression, he said, that he was sort of testing the water with us to see whether or not there would be support, any nodding of heads, or some of these other things. | ||
| One could well have come to the conclusion that here was the commander-in-chief trying to see what the reaction of the Joint Chiefs of Staff might be if he did something unconstitutional. | ||
| He was trying to find out whether or not in a crunch there would be support to keep him in power. | ||
| So if they were going to kick him out of power because of the Watergate thing, he was going to bring in the military. | ||
| Like, he was trying to test the waters. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But today, in that same sort of a scenario, like a guy, it's over. | ||
| You can't hide things like you could hide things then. | ||
| So he got busted, and he thought they were going to try to kick him out of office. | ||
| Nixon was a really bad guy. | ||
| It was a really bad guy. | ||
| But they were all really bad guys. | ||
| Like, probably everybody that was president was a really bad guy. | ||
| And that's how they did it. | ||
| I think the standards that people are going to be judged by are going to be very different because I don't think really bad guys are going to be able to be president in the future. | ||
| I don't think a guy like Nixon will get to a point where he could be the president and not have all the dirt on him that would be revealing illuminated long before he ever got into office. | ||
| So there's good to that. | ||
| It has to be that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's good to that and there's bad. | ||
| Because the good thing is a guy like Nixon, like there would be enough on him before he ever got into office that no one would accept him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But like the stuff, like the sexual stuff that people do, you know, like JFK would have never been president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Never. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never chance. | ||
| If there was Facebook back when JFK... | ||
| I mean, JFK was an animal. | ||
| He was a fucking animal. | ||
| He didn't care if he was married. | ||
| He didn't care. | ||
| He was going to party. | ||
| He was the goddamn president of the United States, the commander-in-chief, and he was going to get his dick wet. | ||
| That was just it. | ||
| He just did it. | ||
| That's so crazy, man. | ||
| And a president today, no chance. | ||
| Clinton was the last guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The last of the great presidential dick slingers. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's it. | |
| From now on, you'll be judged in a completely different way. | ||
| I don't know if that's... | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Well, it's not. | ||
| It's good when it comes to things that aren't sexual because that affects the job. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But it's not fair to judge somebody's sexual prowess because of. | ||
| You say prowess. | ||
| Is it prowess or is it practices? | ||
|
unidentified
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Here's the thing. | |
| It's not, but is it? | ||
| Because what if instead of like sex, what if it was a gambling thing? | ||
| What if he had this crazy gambling thing where you found out that, you know, hey man, Obama can't stop gambling on shit. | ||
| He gambles on everything. | ||
| Roll the dice, two roaches running across a table. | ||
| Like he'll just gamble on raindrops coming down a window. | ||
| But that arguably does affect the job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but I don't know if you wanting to get ass would be like, you know, what are we going to do in Gaza? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you see that ass? | ||
| But gambling could affect that. | ||
| There was thoughts that one of the things that could affect a president, if a president was like a real pussy chaser, was that someone could blackmail him. | ||
| And that if someone had some information, like say if you hired a Soviet spy was super hot to fuck him, to fuck the president, some presidential dick, and she fucks him, and then she has some dirt on him. | ||
| Pillow talk. | ||
| Pillow talks a motherfucker. | ||
| Pillow talks a motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, that's a thing, but that's kind of more, I mean, is that really a thing? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What hot chick around the... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| She's his. | ||
| Even when that happens in movies, I'm like, come on. | ||
| James Bunny. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First of all, there's no hot spy. | |
| There must be. | ||
| Well, there has to be to make it to make it for that instance, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, to be like, we have to get you into he's a skirt chaser. | |
| Top 10 beautiful lady spies. | ||
| Okay, let me tell you something. | ||
| Let me tell you something right now. | ||
| Nine of them are not hot. | ||
| Nine of them are not hot. | ||
| Ten of them are not hot. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| They're all disgusting. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wait till you see these monsters. | ||
| Actually, I'll take that back. | ||
| That one of them. | ||
| You start getting down. | ||
| That's Joey Diaz. | ||
| There's, um, there... | ||
| And by the way, I know who Joey Diaz. | ||
| What's the link from? | ||
| Just pull that up. | ||
| Just pull that. | ||
| It's smashing lists. | ||
| Top 10 beautiful lady spies from history. | ||
| It's the first one. | ||
| Also, you never, there can't be a spy walking down the street where you're like, damn, look at that person. | ||
| There was a woman. | ||
| Her name was Anna Chapman. | ||
| She was a beautiful 28-year-old Russian with an IQ of 162. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| She had a diplomatic father, a diplomat father, and a taste for the high life. | ||
| She's a Russian national. | ||
| When living in New York, United States was arrested along with a couple of others. | ||
| The title's the best. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Honey. | ||
| That's her? | ||
| Foreign spoke. | ||
| That's a monster. | ||
| I don't know who she is. | ||
| But this woman, Anna Chapman, is pretty hot. | ||
| She's on page two, young Jamie. | ||
| No, that other girl was not hot, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But she was arrested along with Anna Chapman. | ||
| Yeah, she's hot as shit. | ||
| She's dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Guaranteed dirty. | ||
| Look at those eyes. | ||
| Those are dick suckers. | ||
| So she was a spy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So she was a Russian national while living in New York, United States, was arrested along with nine others on 27th of June, 2010. | ||
| Wow, recently. | ||
| On suspicion of working for the illegals program spy ring under the Russian Federation's External Intelligence Agency. | ||
| Chapman pleaded guilty to a charge of conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. Attorney General and was deported back to Russia. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Just deported as a part of a prisoner swap. | ||
| And right now, she's tied to a bed somewhere in Russia. | ||
| Just fucking crap. | ||
| I wonder what she's doing today. | ||
| Damn, that bitch is hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Then the next one, number four. | ||
| How is she number five? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's an Asian one in there, number three, that's pretty hot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Young, beautiful female spy during the Chinese Civil War between blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I can't even read that. | ||
| K-U-O-M-I-N-T. | ||
| Kylmintang and the Communist Party. | ||
| She was only 15. | ||
| She was only 15? | ||
| Or 18? | ||
| I should put that part up first. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, that's that's the im no that's when the image wait what I don't know see right here is the whole birthright I'm confused that's ridiculous but but that picture's not that old that picture's a new picture it says 1932 32 to 1947 what does that mean I don't know what the fuck is that still from a movie yeah did she die maybe she must have | ||
| back in the oh the life and death of her has become a symbol of the courage of the chinese people is often cited as a homily h-o-m-i-l-y of their lord i don't even know what that word is what's homily i don't know i never heard that word used okay let's google it i love the internet what a weird world we live in homily is um a religious discourse that is intended primarily for spiritual edification rather than doctrinal instruction oh fuck are you using that word | ||
| for of their loyalty to communism her story is often told as an homage to the struggles endured and the sacrifices made for the cause of liberating china from the centuries of rule by foreign powers okay yeah that's one of those words that uses other words i don't know to describe it okay there's a picture of this other chick that's clearly not a real picture number two because she was from 1551 you fucks right you can't have pictures of this chick from 1551 that look like a movie still god damn it sons of bitches at least somebody draw her | ||
| nice and then matahari matahari that was in 1876 but yeah but that sounds like some old old way of thinking to be like well we can't have a president that wants to fuck a lot because a spy will get him like come on it is kind of ridiculous that sounds like that sounds ridiculous but we kind of proved our own point because the top 10 throughout history we only found one one one of them was 15 one of them was | ||
| legitimately hot and like i said she was russian right that's it so you're saying what there was one hot russian spy right so we kind of proved our point it's not really it's right yeah worried about yeah but all throughout human history there's only been 10 plus she was 28 what is she now that's his well no she's still hot she's still hot this was only four years ago yeah so she's 32 slinging 32 out there slinging well plus she was already caught so she's fucked yeah we know about her now maybe maybe she got a | ||
| raise you know in russia they brought her back to russia she's probably goddamn hero i'm yeah where is she today let's find out if that were really a thing i think people would i mean maybe we don't know about it but people would be like raising hot spies that's true i mean that there why are there's no way we wouldn't do that dude she's even hotter than that picture there's like if you go to google images whoo yeah she was smoking look at this she's probably gonna be a maximum oh yeah totally she's here | ||
| that's from that's from stuff magazine yeah she's uh got these long red gloves on this hot lingerie look at this one yeah by the way if you're a spy don't take fucking pictures like that this whole thing doesn't make sense she was pretending to not be a spy dude she's pretending to just be hot but just stay out of the fucking light okay come on son look at that that's really really sexy with the gun i mean come on jesus not a spy the | ||
| picture should say under it not a spy hold it right up to her head while you bang her dirty girl that's crazy yeah there's a lot of dirty pictures of her somebody should have known yeah she was on maxim yeah see this she was on russian maxim right it's like not really maxim yeah maxim don't really count russia maxim yeah wonder where she's at today let's see anna chapman today i bet she's got a good gig somewhere in russia she's probably got a podcast she | ||
| probably does one woman show explaining how she trick stupid american just by dressing sexy yeah she refuses to discuss it okay like a true spy yeah refuses | ||
| to just oh interesting pretty well she's connected somehow to edwards to snowden oh wow there was a recent tweet proposing marriage to edwards snowden that's real yeah she proposed marriage to snowden she wants i want him to marry me so i can double spy spy on america from russia i spy again and again and again i'm a very private discreet person not that private she's on | ||
| twitter many interviews is she on twitter i thought she just said yeah you said there's a tweet about it she's got a twitter page that's what yeah but i thought like maybe like somebody else put oh got it let's find out anna chapman twitter spies need to work on their social networking and the chapman on twitter at least to tweet alibis you can tweet alibis put up a twit pic while you're somewhere else yep if i went to her twitter page and she followed me i would panic but i'm following her are you blocked nope | ||
| have you ever gotten to someone's page and found you're blocked like oh shit no no no um are you astounded by uh like the like social media has become very strange and uh like twitter and oh everything on her page is all in russian this is kind of wild yeah but yeah she's uh free and clear all sexy pictures all over the place um like uh instagram you go to | ||
| like you you had a funny poet but like you're like how are you a girl and you have an instagram page and you don't have a hundred thousand followers how's that happen how's that happen i went to a girl's page and it was just her doing yoga it was her ass like her in yoga jeans she had two million fucking followers on instagram yeah i was walking by in | ||
| i was in las vegas or some shit i don't know and there was a poster it was like come see instagram sensation yada yada and it was just some chick that's crazy man girls would rather be uh tens on instagram than in real life oh yeah they would be because they just want to shut the shit out of the They want the followers, and then you get the followers for having an ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And let me ask you something. | |
| And then what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then what? | |
| That's a good question because there was an article in one of those New York magazines that was all about this woman who was an Instagram fitness sensation. | ||
| They didn't say it, but it was just because she had a fantastic ass. | ||
| It was just incredible. | ||
| They were just talking about her lovely figure. | ||
| It's not her figure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's her big, juicy fucking boude. | |
| And they were talking about all these projects that they're putting together, and there was a media team behind her, and they were going to market her. | ||
| How fucking, because of an ass. | ||
| Yeah, just because of a body part. | ||
| A big, fleshy body part that carries through a lot of fat hips so that you could give birth easy and fat so that you could sustain the pregnancy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's fine, but then when a girl posts a picture of her from behind and it's like, you know, some quote, inspiration shit, and you're just like, no. | |
| I know they have millions of comments on their fucking thing, but I'll still comment no. | ||
| I will. | ||
| You'll just say no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Or 100% no. | ||
| All right. | ||
| 100% no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it's not okay. | |
| It's not okay. | ||
| You can do it, but then you're an asshole. | ||
| There's nothing funnier than when you go to a girl's page, whether it's Instagram or Twitter, and there's just a plethora of images of her in sexy positions, their ass out, in her underwear and bikinis, doing selfies. | ||
| And then there's a quote about men needing to respect boundaries. | ||
| That's, yeah, that's something that's just like, no. | ||
| Treating women like me. | ||
| Treating women like a sex object. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| That would be like if I fucking, that would be like if I took a bunch of peanut butter, put it all over my eyes and face and mouth, and then said to you, dude, why does it fucking taste like peanut butter in here? | ||
| You'd be like, well, you got fucking peanut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wouldn't even say it. | |
| You'd be like, oh, you're crazy. | ||
| So why don't we fucking say that about those girls? | ||
| Well, we do, kind of. | ||
| We do, kind of. | ||
| But then when we do, we're sexist. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, there's also, you have no hope of banging them down. | ||
| If you're a guy. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| Yeah, you'll probably do it. | ||
| You're probably. | ||
| But if you shoot them down and then a million other guys are bombing on them. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Those guys are fucking worse than those girls. | ||
| Those guys are traitors. | ||
| They are traitors. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| No, but for real, when a dude's like, hey, or when you're trying to kick it with a girl, and then some other dude's like, yo, I heard that dude's a bad dude. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's the best. | ||
| I heard that dude. | ||
| He just fucking, you know, he's just out for pussy. | ||
| He doesn't even care. | ||
| He'll lie to girls. | ||
| You know what that dude usually did? | ||
| Helped you, by the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because she's not going to be like, oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. | |
| She's not going to do that. | ||
| She's going to be like, I think I still know better. | ||
| That is a weird thing that dudes do when you do that. | ||
| Some dudes. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| As a matter of fact, I've been wanting, I've been trying, like, if I'm like really trying to get this girl and like she's so hot or whatever, and then and I find out she has a boyfriend and there's been situations in my life where I was like, oh, I found out a girl had a boyfriend and I found out that the boyfriend's cheating. | ||
| I would never fucking, that's them. | ||
| That's their thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To be a fucking dude is going to be like, dude, I think I'm going to do the right thing. | |
| But really just doing it because of that Instagram ass, you're a fucking asshole. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of dudes that are fake white knights. | ||
| They're just trying to look good. | ||
| They're just trying to come off as like, I'm different than men. | ||
| I have ethics and morals and they're really important to me. | ||
| They're just trying to position themselves. | ||
| If you're a dude and your best friend is a woman, it's suspect. | ||
| It's very suspect. | ||
| Highly suspect. | ||
| Yeah, unless she's really unusual. | ||
| Well, look, there are, look, and I'm not saying that women and hot women and whoever are, I mean, they're fucking, they can be great friends, but you all, if they're hot, and even if they're not, you sometimes still want to fuck them. | ||
| And that's okay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But guys that do have like a hot woman that's a best friend that they're not banging. | ||
| And they pretend, no, it's just totally platonic. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| I could never trust that guy. | ||
| Unless he has like an insanely hot wife. | ||
| Or if they used to date. | ||
| Yes, that's possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| If they like legitimately have nothing to do with each other anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like I have exes that like I wouldn't want to sleep with, but they're hot. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Yeah, it's over. | ||
| But you're still friends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Friendly, yeah. | ||
| But they're not your best easy vacation. | ||
| No, no shit. | ||
| Fucking weird. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| What's weird when anybody like when a guy is like working an angle and trying really hard to like position himself as better than he like position himself as being like different than every other guy. | ||
| There's a lot of guys out there that are doing really negative things. | ||
| I read this one guy's fucking Twitter page the other day. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was just like he's he might be the ultimate white knight. | ||
| I don't want to give out his Twitter page. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he might be like the greatest. | ||
| If I met him, he probably has almost no blood in his veins. | ||
| His blood sugar is probably zero. | ||
| He probably faints all day long. | ||
| It was so weak. | ||
| But one of the things he said is he said, he said, although I still practice feminist, I still practice feminism, I no longer, what do you say, advertise myself as a feminist because I feel like it's up to women to decide whether or not I'm doing feminism correctly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| So I'll still practice feminism, but I will no longer advertise myself as a feminist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I actually don't even know what to say about that. | ||
| Male feminism is a very strange thing. | ||
| Not male equality specialists or equality promoters, specialists, egalitarian people who only look out for the greater good of all humanity and don't gender identify, or don't, they're not, they're not gender-specific in how they think that people should have rights. | ||
| And I think that's, I think equality is a beautiful thing. | ||
| I mean, when it comes to how people are treated and when it comes to laws, and without a doubt, that's how it should be. | ||
| But this idea of male feminism, it strikes me as a bit pandering. | ||
| There's a little bit of pandering going on. | ||
| There's a little bit of role-playing going on. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because a male has it in him to want to sleep with women. | |
| So it's like that's not going away. | ||
| This guy, just because you respect a woman doesn't mean you can't see a woman and be like, damn, look at that ass. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's what those guys are acting like. | |
| Like that, no. | ||
| I'm better than that. | ||
| I don't look at her as an object. | ||
| You have a midbrain. | ||
| What's a midbrain? | ||
| Well, your midbrain is like, you're reacting like a lizard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| You're like, yeah, cool. | ||
| A red, fast, red car goes by. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, oh, shit. | |
| Even if you don't physically do that, you fucking... | ||
| You notice it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can be fucking a girl, a beautiful girl, and then on the TV, a commercial comes on with a beautiful girl, and you'll be like, who's that? | ||
| Yes, you could be. | ||
| You're not supposed to acknowledge that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah, I know. | |
| I don't think it's about that. | ||
| I think with them, it's about positioning themselves as being what... | ||
| What are the issues that men have a problem with women? | ||
| And this is just some men and some women. | ||
| These are generalizations. | ||
| But there's always like, oh, that girl's a gold digger. | ||
| She just wants a rich guy. | ||
| She wants a guy with a big dick. | ||
| She wants some big stud, some big ape. | ||
| She doesn't even realize that I'm the guy for her. | ||
| These are like issues that a lot of men have with women. | ||
| And a lot of women, the issues they have with men is, oh, he's an animal. | ||
| The guy's a savage. | ||
| He's just trying to fuck a bunch of women. | ||
| He doesn't ever want to settle down. | ||
| He doesn't want to ever have a family. | ||
| He's never going to be loyal to one woman. | ||
| And so men will position themselves as being different than every other man. | ||
| They'll come along and they'll say, I've seen the evil of, you know, male, you know, patriarchal behavior, and I just think it's not cool. | ||
| I'm a feminist. | ||
| I'm basically looking out for all women's rights, and I'm different than all women. | ||
| What you don't ever find is men who, well, I guess you could find, but it's very rarely guys who are savages who identify with being a feminist. | ||
| Like, it's not like studly, athletic, you know, pro-football players like, oh, I'm also a feminist. | ||
| Basically, you know. | ||
| It sounds funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's guys that are like, they're not very manly. | ||
| So their shtick is, I'm going to position myself as being the solution to all these other men that are out there. | ||
| I'm socially retarded. | ||
| I'm not attractive in the traditional sense. | ||
| So what I'm going to do is just be like super ultra-sensitive and super aware of women's needs and super attentive. | ||
| And I'm just going to live my life in misery in attempt. | ||
| And I guess that works sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess it works. | |
| Because guys like that have fucking platinum albums. | ||
| But do they, though? | ||
| Who are you thinking of? | ||
| Like, which guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys, get a guitar and just be like... | |
| Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Like John Mayer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's what I'm saying. | |
| And I don't know. | ||
| But he's not a feminist. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But if that guy's just, he's constantly got a new girlfriend in the pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I guess you're right, though. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right, though. | ||
| Maybe those guys don't. | ||
| No, he's more like a romantic. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Like, you know, he's positioning himself as well. | ||
| But I mean, look, people position themselves. | ||
| Like, what do we do as comedians? | ||
| I mean, one of the reasons why guys got into comedy, I know one of the reasons what I loved about doing comedy is that all of a sudden girls liked me. | ||
| Like, they didn't like me when I was a fighter. | ||
| It was very rare that girls were really excited to hang out with some guy who was hanging out with sweaty dudes all day, getting kicked in the face. | ||
| It's not that attractive. | ||
| But I mean, guess you're a famous fighter, but comedians, like you could make them laugh. | ||
| And so you would work hard on being more funny, be more funny around girls, get girls to like you. | ||
| I mean, pretty much every comedian that's heterosexual has had that motivation. | ||
| Be funnier because girls like funny guys. | ||
| And when do you feel less attractive? | ||
| Have you ever taken a girl to a show and you ate dick on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's a terrible, terrible, terrible place to be. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Because then you have nothing. | ||
| You have what you thought was going to work. | ||
| And it's worked. | ||
| It's less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, oh, she should have just YouTubed me. | |
| But it's even worse because she, you know, you're worse than a guy who does nothing. | ||
| Because what you do, you're awful at. | ||
| It's not like I'm trying to find my place in this life, but I've got good features. | ||
| No. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe he's got potential. | ||
| Once Chris gets his shit together, but no, you bomb on stage. | ||
| Like they saw what you do and you do it awful. | ||
| That's really fucking funny. | ||
| You're positioning yourself as like being a funny guy. | ||
| You're like, you know, hey, I'm the guy. | ||
| You want to come to me for laughs? | ||
| I'm the guy. | ||
| Some people are not that guy. | ||
| They're the guy, you want to come to me for your quality talk. | ||
| I know a lot about women's rights. | ||
| And I don't, I used to identify as a feminist, but I found that that's like insulting to actual women. | ||
| So I no longer identify as a feminist. | ||
| I will leave it up to women to decide whether or not I'm doing feminism correctly. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| If that guy picked up a box of cookies, he would fall asleep in the middle of lifting it up. | ||
| It would fall and hit his head and die. | ||
| The shit hits the fan. | ||
| That guy's not going to be able to rebuild society. | ||
| It has to be a singer that said that. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I think he's a comedian. | ||
| Well, you think you don't even know. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's whatever it is. | ||
| It's a disaster. | ||
| It's a bunch of people with shitty friends, and no one pulls him aside. | ||
| He goes, no, man, no. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Comment on these fuckers' Instagram and just write no. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| And tag me in it so I can find that motherfucker. | ||
| And you go, no. | ||
| Matter of fact, find these dudes on Instagram. | ||
| I know a lot of you listen. | ||
| Find these dudes, these bitch made dudes on Instagram. | ||
| You comment no and you tag at Crystalia. | ||
| And I want to see these dudes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I can laugh. | ||
| Well, women position themselves as being different than other women, too. | ||
| Like, Amy Schumer's got a funny fucking sketch that she did on her show about that, about the girl who can hang. | ||
| It's like there's a girl who's like, hey, guys, I play. | ||
| Yeah, she's hilarious. | ||
| She's like, hey, guys, I love sports. | ||
| You know, come on. | ||
| You know, bitches are a fucking pain in the ass. | ||
| I'm tired of bitches. | ||
| I'll hang out with you guys. | ||
| And they'll position themselves as being different than all these other women that want a certain thing from a guy. | ||
| You know, like I knew this one chick, and she had no female friends, like none. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But she was DTF all day. | |
| She was down to fuck everybody. | ||
| And that was her thing. | ||
| She had all male friends. | ||
| And, you know, she had boyfriends, she always banged other dudes. | ||
| Well, she had boyfriends. | ||
| I mean, this chick was just always, but that was her hustle. | ||
| Her hustle was that she was, you know, one of the guys. | ||
| You know, and that's how she got all these guys to like, and she sort of morphed. | ||
| You know, I mean, kind of, that's kind of what she liked. | ||
| But really, when you would get to know her, what you really wanted was like a real steady relationship. | ||
| But guys, she had gotten in that trap where guys didn't take her seriously because she was banging guys while she had other boyfriends. | ||
| And it was always like chaos. | ||
| And where's the cigarette? | ||
| I got to get out of here. | ||
| I got to go. | ||
| I'm late. | ||
| You know, people, they get in that position where their whole life is like a constant, I'm late. | ||
| I got to go. | ||
| Fuck my life. | ||
| Fuck my life. | ||
| That was this chick. | ||
| She was just, it was always like, oh, Bobby thinks I'm fucking Steven. | ||
| She's like, it's all bullshit. | ||
| Steven and I have been friends for years. | ||
| I told him, well, are you fucking Steven? | ||
| I've been fucking Steven for like 10 years. | ||
| We went to college together. | ||
| It's like, not even, I mean, it's like, you know, he comes over and sometimes we're both horny. | ||
| Like, oh my God, you're crazy. | ||
| But her hustle was she was different than all the other girls. | ||
| She was like just one of the guys. | ||
| She could hang. | ||
| But she deep down inside wanted a committed relationship. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But no guy wanted to give it to her. | ||
| Well, not if she's fucking all of his friends. | ||
| People morph, man. | ||
| They morph and become who they think that other people want them to be. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You know, whether they become a male feminist or whether they become a down ass bitch or whatever, you know, people. | ||
| And then along the way, they actually are that person. | ||
| Along the way, they actually become that person. | ||
| That becomes all they know of themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, if it's because that's what they're, you know, it's like OJ probably thinks he didn't kill his wife. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I wonder. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what they say, but it's like if you the mind is fucking insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You make yourself who you want to be. | ||
| I think it's totally possible that he really believes at this point. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if he does or does. | ||
| It's completely possible, though. | ||
| I mean, people have been way crazier than that, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| That's not super duper crazy crazy. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, if you lie to yourself for fucking 10, 15, what is it, 20 years now? | ||
| 93? | ||
| 94? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| Yeah, 20 years. | ||
| Yeah, 20 fucking years. | ||
| God, that flew by. | ||
| Almost 20 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People, they become like religious people. | ||
| Think about how many religious people have like almost the exact same way of talking, almost the exact same inflection. | ||
| Like how many late night preachers have the same way of talking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They all talk about God's word in the same way. | |
| The same way, Crystalia. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Jesus came down with these rules. | ||
| Came down from the mountain. | ||
| But why is that that they do that? | ||
| Because it's something they adopt. | ||
| Just like a male feminist adopts sort of an emote way of talking and a more subtle way of like, I'm more like, I'm less aggressive. | ||
| It's more passive. | ||
| I'm like much, much more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People adopt even comedians to go on stage. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How many guys like, you remember when there was like 10 guys that sounded exactly like David Taylor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| There was like 10 guys and everybody would just be like, they were doing a tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would go on stage and they would do a tell. | |
| But also with sports announcers, you know, that's the here we go out again. | ||
| Side retired. | ||
| That's not, when I do that, you're not like, oh, that's that sports announcer. | ||
| You're like, that's the sports announcer guy. | ||
| Or like morning zoo DJs. | ||
| I did a tour, one of those radio tours the other day where I was promoting something. | ||
| They're the worst things ever, yeah. | ||
| They're not the worst things ever, but they are. | ||
| They're almost like North Korean prison. | ||
| That would be on the list of worst things ever. | ||
| Nice folks, I'm sure. | ||
| They're all nice individually, but when you have to do four hours of them, it's the worst. | ||
| Well, you really appreciate when you call one and it's like a good dude or a good gal. | ||
| You know how to say a good gal? | ||
| She's a good gal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds like you're just being insulting viewers as you superimpose over your face. | |
| She's a good gal. | ||
| But, you know, I did four hours of this shit, you know, from like 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. | ||
| And I spoke to 10 people that they're the exact same person. | ||
| All right, Chris Dahlia on the lawn. | ||
| Chris DeLia's new comedy tour starts this week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Sound real. | ||
| And then there are questions. | ||
| So what's the deal? | ||
| When I did Undateable and I did these fucking things. | ||
| Are you undateable? | ||
| What is your fear factor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| That's what I used to get. | ||
| What are you afraid of, Joe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm sure you don't want to eat bugs, right? | |
| No. | ||
| Now what? | ||
| Now, the show's called undateable. | ||
| You're a good-looking guy, Chris. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the deal? | |
| Just what's the most undatable? | ||
| What do you find a dateable little girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, always. | |
| Always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Floating shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take them out. | |
| Or Strip Club DJ coming to the stage with Lexus. | ||
| Mercedes on stage two. | ||
| Gentlemen, $15 kamikazes. | ||
| All right, here we go, gentlemen. | ||
| Here she goes out. | ||
| Give it up for Anastasia. | ||
| And she's safe. | ||
| Next batter. | ||
| Yeah, it's, yeah, those inflections, those patterns that people choose. | ||
| They think that this is how a comedian's supposed to talk. | ||
| I'll talk like that, and then I'll be a comedian. | ||
| Like, I don't know if you did it, but a lot of comedians do it when they're starting out. | ||
| I had a real problem where I would mimic other comedians, and I would catch myself sounding like a- Well, if you watch too much, or if you're like, you know, in the beginning, you're like, I like that guy, you know, and then you go on stage, but you figure it out if you do it enough. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's like reading one author and just siding with him. | ||
| And then you're like, wait, there's other books out there. | ||
| You got to read them all and then come with your own opinion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're talking about Brian County. | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| We were talking about that earlier. | ||
| Motherfucker will get on. | ||
| He will read a book. | ||
| And he probably doesn't even read the book. | ||
| He reads like one chapter. | ||
| It's an amazing book. | ||
| You have to read this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he basically figures out life. | |
| And you're like, wait a minute. | ||
| Do you know that guy's crazy? | ||
| And I'll start sending him like debunk things. | ||
| Do you know that guy like disagrees with Nobel Prize winning scientists that he misquotes their work? | ||
| And I'll send him like all this fucking, Brian and I got in this huge argument once because he kept quoting this asshole that he had on his podcast. | ||
| So in the middle of the conversation, because I saved this on my phone because I was tired of having this conversation with him, I just start reading off all the different things where this guy has lied and said things wrong. | ||
| And you see him slowly get deflated. | ||
| I go, do you ever just Google debunked after that guy's name? | ||
| Just whatever guy you're doing. | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| Yes, I do that with everybody. | ||
| I do that with everybody now that I have as a guest. | ||
| I had this one guy on named Dave Asprey. | ||
| And this guy is a nice guy. | ||
| He's a little Asperger-y. | ||
| And he said a bunch of shit. | ||
| Okay, well, why'd you have him on in the first place? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| No, I don't mean that. | ||
| I mean, what was the reason he was on the show? | ||
| He's a knowledgeable guy. | ||
| He knows a lot of shit. | ||
| About what, though? | ||
| He calls himself a biohacker. | ||
| And how did you learn about him? | ||
| I think Tate Fletcher turned me into him. | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| Pretty sure it was Tate. | ||
| Tate loves, he created this, well, didn't create it, but he popularized this idea of mixing coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil. | ||
| So it's like a slow burn of the caffeine. | ||
| It's a delicious beverage. | ||
| That's really all it is. | ||
| But along the way, he started promoting this type of coffee that he has that's what's called mycotoxin-free. | ||
| This is a long story that has been beaten to death on this podcast. | ||
| So I don't want to get into it too much. | ||
| But after that guy, there was so much misinformation that I felt responsible for because I put it out and I repeated the things that he had told me. | ||
| So now I Google debunked. | ||
| And a lot of times when you Google debunked, you find out a bunch of fucking crazy people don't believe in a guy. | ||
| Like if you Google me debunked, you'll find out that I'm like a CIA disinformation agent who is hiding the truth about chemtrails. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people that believe that I'm a disinformation agent and then I'm hiding the truth about chemtrails. | ||
| Chemtrails, which are the evil spraying that the government does with planes. | ||
| When you see those contrails behind planes, those are artificial clouds, Crystalia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And those are being sprayed by the government. | |
| The government. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are out of their fucking mind. | ||
| I've been called a paid disinformation agent. | ||
| Like, they believe that I get paid. | ||
| Like, I'm waiting for my fucking checks. | ||
| First of all, I'm not getting any checks. | ||
| If I'm getting paid, it might be a lump sum at the end of my life. | ||
| But people, if you don't believe in the things that they believe in, they automatically assume that you're a government agent. | ||
| Like, I had this guy, Mick West, who was on the podcast, who he was on my sci-fi show too. | ||
| He runs this site called Metabunk, and it's all about debunking conspiracy theories. | ||
| And all people ever say is he works for the government. | ||
| This guy works for the government. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| He's a multi, multi-millionaire who sold a video game company, a super successful video game company. | ||
| He was a part of the video game company that makes like Tony Hawk videos and shit. | ||
| The dude's loaded. | ||
| And just he's into conspiracies. | ||
| He's a scientist, essentially, in a lot of ways. | ||
| I want to say he's a guy who's very educated and intellectually curious. | ||
| And so he tries to figure out what it is about people that makes them gravitate towards these unlikely scenarios that they believe that the government is spraying chemicals in the sky. | ||
| And all you hear about this guy is that he's a paid disinformation agent, which I know not to be true. | ||
| I know it's not true. | ||
| But people want to believe that kind of shit. | ||
| But it's more exciting if there's big secrets out there. | ||
| Yeah, it certainly is. | ||
| Do you ever hear that shit and you're like, I mean, like, I don't know a dick about that stuff, you know? | ||
| So when I hear, like, there's a part of me that doesn't believe, even though I know it has happened for sure, they've covered stuff up. | ||
| Like, I think, like, come on, they can't do that shit. | ||
| I think that's how much of the world is. | ||
| Well, we talked about earlier the Nixon story that's out that I tweeted today. | ||
| That's a perfect example of there is fuckery in the world. | ||
| Like, Nixon tested the waters of trying to see if there's any support for a military coup against Congress. | ||
| That stuff does happen. | ||
| Look, Watergate did happen. | ||
| They did spy on people. | ||
| They did record. | ||
| Kent State did happen. | ||
| They did hire, they did take the National Guard and make them break up student protest and shoot students. | ||
| Shoot American students, non-violent, non-armed. | ||
| They did that. | ||
| there's a lot of shit that's been done. | ||
| So I think conspiracies are real. | ||
| But I think that the problem is that most people don't go into any scenario with an open mind. | ||
| They don't really try to find out all the facts. | ||
| They have a predetermined idea that they want to, they want that conclusion to be, you know, they want it to be valid. | ||
| They want to validate their conclusion more than they want to objectively look at the truth. | ||
| Yeah, that's a fucking huge problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's a huge problem. | ||
| Well, like, look, here's another thing. | ||
| Like, say, you were talking about, like, you're a good guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if somebody wanted to find dirt on you, if they wanted to dig deep, you were the president, they could find something fucked up about you. | ||
| Well, in finding that fucked up thing about you, that one fucked up thing, they could decide, well, Chris DeLeah, he got drunk once and jerked off in this girl's hair and you fucking asshole. | ||
| They could decide he is a chronic masturbator in girls' hair while they're drunk. | ||
| Like, this is what he does. | ||
| It's all he does. | ||
| This is his whole life. | ||
| Everything else is just setting himself up so he could jerk off of people's hair. | ||
| Like, they could decide that one thing that you've done, you made a who you are all the time. | ||
| They'll find one aspect of your personality that, you know, like, maybe you did this once, or maybe you ran a red light, and they'll just say, he's a fucking reckless driver. | ||
| We've got. | ||
| Red light runner. | ||
| He's a red light runner. | ||
| This guy's an asshole. | ||
| Did you see this Tony Stewart thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I ran over a guy. | ||
| He's a NASCAR driver. | ||
| And he ran over a guy. | ||
| We were talking about it on the way home. | ||
| And we were driving home from La Jolla. | ||
| We did the, not La Jolla, San Diego this weekend. | ||
| Did American Comedy? | ||
| Yeah, I know you were going there. | ||
| And as we were driving back, it was right when it was breaking, right? | ||
| And Tony Stewart, who's this big-time NASCAR driver, ran over a guy in this dirt race. | ||
| What are those called? | ||
| Sprint car, I think. | ||
| Sprint car. | ||
| They ride, there's crazy cars. | ||
| They're weird-looking cars. | ||
| They have like wings on them, and they drive around the dirt. | ||
| And he hit this guy's car. | ||
| The guy got out of the car and was yelling at Tony Stewart. | ||
| Tony Stewart ran him over with his car. | ||
| It's really fucked up. | ||
| He meant to do it? | ||
| See, that's where things get weird. | ||
| He says absolutely not. | ||
| Of course, the local cops, whoever investigated it, they're not pressing charges. | ||
| They think it was a total accident. | ||
| But now, because of that, everybody starts pulling up all the different shit that this guy's done right past driving. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because apparently he's bumped people's cars before. | ||
| He's a very aggressive driver. | ||
| And there's been a lot of aggressive drivers. | ||
| I'm completely new to this stuff. | ||
| I don't follow racing. | ||
| Yeah, neither do I. But Tony Hinchcliffe does. | ||
| And Hinchcliffe was the one that told me that Tony Stewart is known for being this really super aggressive driver. | ||
| So now I'm reading all this stuff online, and these people are just bringing up all these times in the past where he's clipped cars, or he's yelled at people, or he's hit people. | ||
| He's a maniac, and they're concentrating all on this, the negative aspects of this guy. | ||
| All negative aspects to try. | ||
| I mean, I don't understand exactly what it is. | ||
| And it's because they want to believe that he hit Red. | ||
| They want to believe he hit him on purpose. | ||
| They want to believe that he hit the gas when he's near the guy because he knew the ass in the car would kick out. | ||
| And if the ass in the car kicked out, the guy would get run over. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, it's just one of those things where when something happens, if something goes wrong, people will find the one thing and then concentrate wholly on that. | ||
| Instead of like, I mean, this is pure speculation because I don't know exactly what happened. | ||
| Instead of, you know, maybe he did drive aggressive and knocked that guy on the wall and the guy got out of his fucking car and the guy was on the track yelling at him. | ||
| And I don't understand. | ||
| I've never raced. | ||
| I don't know what it's like, but I would imagine that there's some really fucking split-second decision making going on. | ||
| You're flying around a track and you see a guy on the fucking track pointing at you. | ||
| I would imagine that the decisions like the pro and con, do this and you're going to be okay. | ||
| Do that and that guy's going to die. | ||
| There's such a small window of error because this guy's walking around on a fucking racetrack. | ||
| You're not supposed to get out of your car and walk around. | ||
| But all these people all online, I've been looking at it all day yesterday. | ||
| All of them are saying that he killed this guy. | ||
| So many people are blaming him for it. | ||
| Well, that's also the people who write on the internet, though. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But even eyewitnesses, people who were there at the time. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, maybe it's not the best example. | ||
| No, it's a good example. | ||
| It definitely is. | ||
| But there's kind of a lot of evidence that he's a wild man. | ||
| Well, but what you're saying is totally different than fucking just running a guy over intentionally. | ||
| But it could be that he was trying to bump into him. | ||
| Like he was trying to bump him with his car and instead he. | ||
| But how fast was he going? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They said 25 to 35. | ||
| He's under caution. | ||
| So not even that fast. | ||
| It was under caution. | ||
| That's not fast at all. | ||
| So you would think at 25 he'd be able to not hit the guy. | ||
| Maneuver out of the way, yeah. | ||
| Did he hit his gas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't know. | |
| That's why people are saying ESPN maybe muted the audio so you can't hear that. | ||
| But there's also a lot of people yelling. | ||
| They just muted the audio probably just in general. | ||
| Let's watch it. | ||
| Let's watch it. | ||
| It's five to watch. | ||
| It's fucked up to watch because you know a guy died. | ||
| But I don't like watching that shit. | ||
| You ever watch that Faces of Death shit? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I watched it when I was a kid and I was like, nah, I can't watch this anymore. | ||
| Today, kids are so spoiled. | ||
| They could just Google murder and just watch a hundred videos. | ||
| But where? | ||
| Where do you even watch that shit? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Live leak. | ||
| Liveleak.com. | ||
| Live leak sounds scary. | ||
| It is scary. | ||
| It's WorldStar Hip Hop Plus Murder. | ||
| Live Leak is like all the most fucked up things on the internet. | ||
| Like, here's it. | ||
| Let's go full screen on this shit so we can go with it. | ||
| This is going to show the initial accident. | ||
| See those cars? | ||
| They're like dump trucks. | ||
| What are we looking at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just froze. | ||
| Powerful internet. | ||
| On forgetting. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's on dead spin. | ||
| Yeah, it sometimes does that when you go full screen, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We might have lost it. | ||
| What? | ||
| I got a beach ball. | ||
| Do a color wheel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got a beach ball from that? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Well, click it off and try again. | ||
| Reboot it. | ||
| Or forcecar. | ||
| It's going to take a long time. | ||
| That piece of shit computer. | ||
| Why do we still have that computer? | ||
| Is there any benefit in keeping? | ||
| We'll talk about this off the air. | ||
| See if you can pull that up, though. | ||
| See if we can pull it up on another site. | ||
| Does it allow you to pull another site up? | ||
| But that's a NASCAR guy you said? | ||
| I'll work on it. | ||
| I'll let you know if I find it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a NASCAR guy. | ||
| But that wasn't NASCAR. | ||
| That wasn't NASCAR. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| Some crazy dirt race. | ||
| Well, I think those guys that race, they race in all kinds of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just are like, just get me in a fucking car. | |
| It's like us with comedy. | ||
| Just get me on stage somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, like they do. | ||
| Chris DeLee's doing a coffee shop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He's got an NBC show. | ||
| I'll play a laundromat. | ||
| I'll do a coffee shop. | ||
| I got to do what I have. | ||
| Do you do open mics? | ||
| Do you show up at like weird spots and do sets on? | ||
| Ever since I started getting into clubs like a few years ago and just being able to go up wherever I want, you know, I was like, I just was like, why would I go play Buzz Coffee? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Why would I go play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it's just like, because there's going to be, oh, because there's going to be an audience at a comedy club. | |
| So go there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| A real audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Some of these alt rooms are fucking awesome. | ||
| But then it's like, some of them are. | ||
| They're dog shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're dog shit. | ||
| And then they'll pretend they're awesome. | ||
| And then you get to the gig and they're like, I mean, last week was great. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| How many times have you fucking heard that? | ||
| There's a lot of alt rooms are real weird in that like alt rooms that like almost like everyone's making an agreement to put out as little energy as possible. | ||
| And then if you come along and you've got you're enthusiastic, you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you know this is an alt room? | ||
| What are you trying to be funny? | ||
| You're trying too hard to be funny. | ||
| You're trying. | ||
| But there was like a, there's a stigma in alt rooms on trying to entertain. | ||
| Like, you don't want to try. | ||
| You don't try. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To that idea, I just say write a book. | |
| Write a book. | ||
| No, they want you to be on stage and be like that. | ||
| But that's not to me. | ||
| I mean, look, dude, fucking some of the alt comic, whatever, funny's funny. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You know, somebody's all comic is hilarious and some of them are fucking hilarious. | ||
| Very few. | ||
| Alt comics? | ||
| Very few are hilarious. | ||
| However, very few comics are hilarious. | ||
| That's true too. | ||
| But out of all comics, it's very few, very few. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been a while since I've been to one of those true, true alt, you know, like Meltdown's good and shit. | |
| But is that alt though? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's like Chris Hardwick, who's on Comedy Central. | ||
| It's his thing. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| Yeah, you want to fucking hate Kool-Aid the whole room. | ||
| Just fucking run right through it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| A lot of those alt shows. | ||
| Well, you put some of those guys up on the comedy store, it's like... | ||
| Yeah, it's different. | ||
| It's a different show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's why they built those rooms in the first place. | ||
| In the first place, right. | ||
| That's why those rooms exist. | ||
| So that's why I'm saying, if you can get into the comedy clubs, get in the fucking comedy clubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those people are paying to see comedy, and it has the word comedy in the fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Comedy club. | |
| That's what it's for. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not fucking, you know. | ||
| Buzz coffee. | ||
| Buzz coffee. | ||
| Yeah, Freddie Soto stopped doing those a long time ago before he died. | ||
| He used to tell people, like, they would always ask him, you know, hey, will you do my room? | ||
| I'll get this thing. | ||
| No. | ||
| I had a guy, dude, okay. | ||
| I had a guy the other night. | ||
| I don't know his name, but he was at the, you know, at the comedy store? | ||
| They'll be like, fucking, you'll be, literally like Jim Carrey will show up and then somebody will be like, hey, will you be in my documentary? | ||
| And you're like, like, there's just fucking derelicts there. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was at a comedy, a show, and I was at the comedy store. | |
| And then some kid was like, hey, man, I was wondering if you want to come by and do my room. | ||
| And I was like, oh, well, where is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, yeah, it's this, it's, well, it's this, it's on Saturday night and it's this pizza place. | |
| And, you know, we can't pay you, but it'd be awesome if you like did 15 minutes and you can have like the whatever pizza you want. | ||
| And I said, you have to repeat yourself because I think I heard what you said, but can you just say it again? | ||
| And he said it again. | ||
| And I said, dude, I can't be doing that. | ||
| I didn't know how to say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, I can't be doing that. | |
| I can't be doing your pizza performance. | ||
| And then I said, you want me to perform for pizza? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, I can't be doing that. | |
| And then I turned to the guy that was next to us, that wasn't with me or him, and I said, did you hear this guy? | ||
| And I was trying not to be a dick, but it was amazing. | ||
| But it's hard to not be like, hey, bro, I'm on billboards. | ||
| It's hard to do that. | ||
| I'm on actual television, like a real TV show. | ||
| It's hard to not be a dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I know what you're saying. | ||
| It's a weird situation when someone asks you to do something like that, but to them, it's like stage time. | ||
| You know, that's how they get stage time. | ||
| And they see you like, maybe Chris will do my room. | ||
| The problem with those rooms is most of the people there are not there to see comedy. | ||
| If you're doing comedy to pizza players. | ||
| They're sitting this way eating the pizza. | ||
| They're trying to do it. | ||
| And the stage is over there. | ||
| Yeah, and you're interrupting, really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like, it's kind of rude. | ||
| It's not like you set up and play a song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, if you sat up and zone out and listen to the music and eat. | |
| Yeah, it's no problem. | ||
| But if you're like talking about your eight-year-old cousin, that requires people to pay attention. | ||
| You have to pay attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't tell a fucking story to somebody who's not listening to the story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You'll have like 20 people in the crowd, and at any given time, one person will be paying attention to the story, but they'll lose you, and then a new person will pay attention. | ||
| What is he talking about? | ||
| So people are paying attention. | ||
| It's like in short bursts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So you have the video now? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Jamie's got the video now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice, I think. | |
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Okay, so here's the dudes. | ||
| Look at these weird wings they have on their cars. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I've seen those fireplaces. | ||
| So he spun the guy out. | ||
| Okay, so he... | ||
| So that's the guy that he hit first? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the back it all the way up to the beginning. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| So they're going around the corner, and he clipped the guy with his tail. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Okay, yeah, it looked like his tire bumped into the guy. | ||
| The guy spun around. | ||
| They're all flying, right? | ||
| This guy gets out. | ||
| Yeah, so this guy's pissed. | ||
| He climbs out of his car and he's pointing to him. | ||
| You, you fucker, you hit me. | ||
| You fucking hit me. | ||
| Wow, this is crazy. | ||
| This guy's crazy. | ||
| Did he just hit him? | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| Boom, right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| He hit him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| See, I don't know enough, bro. | ||
| He was going about 25 miles an hour? | ||
| Roughly, yeah, and they're saying people were able to avoid him. | ||
| You'd think that they'd be able to avoid him. | ||
| I mean, it looks pretty bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just from, I don't know anything about it, but Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, they're also saying that when you hit the gas, like your ass end kicks out because it's all dirt, so it's sliding right. | ||
| So when he hit the gas on purpose, making the ass slide out. | ||
| Like he was going to flip the guy, like he was going to bump him out of the way. | ||
| He would certainly know that as a driver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's a fucking. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he would know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, the craziest thing about that is that the guy got out. | ||
| The guy's a crazy fucker for getting out like that. | ||
| And then running on the track and voiding cars and pointing at this guy like, you fucking did this to me. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| Also, isn't that the game to do that to somebody? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| There's no rule about it, apparently. | ||
| There's no rule about accidentally hitting guests. | ||
| No, on getting out in the car, I'm sorry. | ||
| On getting out of the car. | ||
| Oh, no, I just mean. | ||
| What do you mean there's no rule? | ||
| They don't have a rule about that. | ||
| It's not illegal to get out of your car. | ||
| ESPN yesterday I was hearing the debate about should they make a rule about this. | ||
| Fuck yeah, you should make a rule. | ||
| Stay in your fucking car. | ||
| What are you crazy? | ||
| Because if he got clipped in the car, he probably would have been fine. | ||
| If someone came along and the guy's... | ||
| He was fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And at high speed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then there were other cautions. | ||
| I think maybe only you have to stay in. | ||
| You can get out if your car's on fire, if like if it's a life-changing situation. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, you can't watch shit like that, man. | ||
| I saw an image of that guy of that terrorist stacking those three heads on the fucking thing, and I was like, no. | ||
| I don't know if you saw that, but that's like. | ||
| I remember the first one from the Iraq war where we watched a guy get his head cut off on video. | ||
| And you can watch that shit? | ||
| Well, I mean, I can. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Like, even two girls, one cup. | ||
| I'm like, nah. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Oh, she shits in her mouth? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, isn't there a video of you watching that? | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| I saw that video. | ||
| Barely watched it. | ||
| I have hosted Fear Factor for six years, and I still had to turn away. | ||
| Think about all the shit that I've seen. | ||
| But you could throw up in front of me, and I never, I don't gag. | ||
| That's like I'm in charge of throw up around my house. | ||
| Like anytime anybody throws up, and I just, when my little girls throw up, I always clean it up. | ||
| My wife just gives it to me. | ||
| Like, I handle it. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I'm immune to puke. | ||
| It's like it used to be when I was a kid, somebody threw up in the room, all this extra saliva would be in my mouth. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I would have to look away or I'd throw up. | ||
| If someone threw up in the hallway, I'd be gagging. | ||
| But not now. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| I cleaned up puke the other night. | ||
| My little girl, my four-year-old was sick. | ||
| Just threw up in the bed. | ||
| Who cleans it up? | ||
| Me. | ||
| I go in there, towels and shit, picking up all the sheets, putting the puke into a big puke, like one of those little stork things that the stork characters do. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| My dad, first time I threw up, when I was a kid, my dad tells a story where he's like, you know, you don't know what's happening to your body. | ||
| You know, you're like, what the heck? | ||
| I feel weird, like nauseous. | ||
| And my dad identified it and he was like, oh, you're going to throw up. | ||
| He was like, this is normal. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I was 32. | ||
| Stupid joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I don't know, young, young, young, you know. | |
| And he was like, you're going to throw up and it's going to be fine. | ||
| And I was so, I was like, I don't know what's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I don't know what's going on. | |
| And he turned me to him and he said, look, it's fine. | ||
| Just throw up on me. | ||
| You're going to throw up and it's going to just go all over me and it's fine. | ||
| And he said that that made me relax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he said that I just want and throw up all over him. | |
| But this is fucking cute, I thought. | ||
| But it was like, I just thought this funny thing about like the first time that that shit happens with you as like you're like, that's scary as shit. | ||
| Yeah, it is scary as shit the first time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, what's happening? | ||
| Is there something trying to get out of my body? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But food poisoning is the worst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Food poisoning is the worst. | |
| When it's coming out and you're like, ah, and you're screaming it out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Violent. | ||
| I had food poisoning in a while. | ||
| I should knock on wood. | ||
| I had it once. | ||
| I've had it a couple times. | ||
| But I had it real bad. | ||
| One time in Illinois. | ||
| Oh, it was awful. | ||
| I couldn't clench my fist. | ||
| Like, my hands were so weak. | ||
| It was just so... | ||
| Both ways. | ||
| Yeah, what can you do to prevent... | ||
| Someone told me if you have some funky shit inside your stomach, if you eat raw garlic, raw garlic apparently destroys a lot of bad bacteria. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just got to sit down near the toilet and just fucking curl up. | ||
| And dale, son. | ||
| And just shit and puke. | ||
| I heard garlic. | ||
| I heard garlic is really good for you. | ||
| Yeah, but it takes a while to get down there. | ||
| You're fucking shitting and puking. | ||
| The way I eat, bro. | ||
| You put it in your head. | ||
| You just fucking chos it down. | ||
| I give it an express delivery. | ||
| I put it on the end of my thumb. | ||
| I go like that. | ||
| It hits the back of my shit and just goes right down. | ||
| It goes right down like a chute. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't need to figure that out. | ||
| There should be a way to scan things when you find out if it's got food poisoning. | ||
| You know, like just, why doesn't someone come out with a scanner? | ||
| Like some thing that just can read the contents of the food with like, oh, there's E. coli over your fucking salad. | ||
| Don't eat it. | ||
| It'll happen. | ||
| You know, that's the number one thing that people get sick from. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Salad. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I know that salad's bad. | ||
| Fucking salad. | ||
| Salad gives people food poisoning. | ||
| I know you wouldn't think it was meat, but or some shit. | ||
| Fish. | ||
| Yeah, you would think it was like bad fish or bad meat. | ||
| Salad is because they don't. | ||
| It's not washed right. | ||
| Yeah, it's not washed right, but yeah. | ||
| Well, remember all those people were dying from spinach? | ||
| It's because the spinach was tainted with E. coli. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Waste from cows and shit? | ||
| Found what? | ||
| There's a electronic nose that sniffs out food poisoning. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| An app? | ||
| It sniffs out E. coli, I think you put it in. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What? | ||
| New electronic nose sniffs out food poisoning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Isn't it amazing when you say something thinking like this is 20 years away from this? | ||
| Yeah, completely impossible. | ||
| No one's going to ever come up with something like that. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| It really works? | ||
| It checks the freshness and quality of meat, poultry, and fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And it's an app. | ||
| What's the app called? | ||
| I'll download that fucker right now. | ||
| I mean, you probably have to have it next to something. | ||
| It doesn't look like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way you just take your phone and fucking go like this. | |
| P-E-R-E-S. | ||
| P-E-R-E-S? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it's called? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm downloading that bitch right now, and let's see if it works. | ||
| I'm going to put it on Crystalia and see if he's edible. | ||
| P-E-R-E-S. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| P-E-E-NOS. | ||
| World's first portable E-NOS, and its iOS Android mobile app enables users to determine quality, freshness of meat, poultry, and fish, and whether it's gone bad and could potentially cause food portions. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| It's called P-E-R-E-S? | ||
| What's the name of the app? | ||
| I believe it's what it says. | ||
| Developers say Perrys or P or Piris. | ||
| P-E-R-E-S. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| But is this available already? | ||
| I'm going to assume no. | ||
| Yeah, because when I went to P-E-R-E-S, it gives me some Russian shit. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Back to that spy. | ||
| Perestroika. | ||
| That's what it gives you. | ||
| Yeah, that's what comes up. | ||
| Here's the video there. | ||
| Russian writing and shit. | ||
| See if it says that it's actually available. | ||
| Yeah, pull the video up. | ||
| Let's listen to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Play it from the beginning so we can actually... | |
| Beads go into a green thing. | ||
| Detecting food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the USA, 76 million cases of foodborne illness resulting in 325,000 hospitalizations and 5,000 deaths. | |
| First of all, pause that. | ||
| Why does that guy talk like that? | ||
| In the USA. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 350 million people. | ||
| It sounds like bullshit already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Numbers. | |
| 76 cases of foodborne illnesses resulting in 32500. | ||
| 5,000 deaths are estimated to occur each year. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That doesn't surprise me. | ||
| That surprises you? | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| A lot of fucking people. | ||
| But 5,000 deaths from foodborne illness. | ||
| All right, play it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Occur each year. | |
| The Peres story began when the team who created the device collaborated with scientists from Kaunas University of Technology in Lithuania. | ||
| After more than a year of research and development, the team has now created a second working prototype of the Peres device. | ||
| PARES works by taking a sample of the air from around the pork, beef, poultry, or fish. | ||
| By detecting the concentration of volatile organic compounds and other gases in the sample and adjusting them according to temperature and humidity, it calculates the freshness and quality of the food product. | ||
| Using sensor array and Bluetooth technology, data are transmitted directly to a smartphone or tablet for calculation of sample data. | ||
| Users immediately put up their phones to help them make an intrans choice. | ||
| It smells your food and safety of their pork, beef, poultry, and fish. | ||
| And share and discuss the food. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I'm a fart right into that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
or just breaks imagine what if your farty called your mom *laughter* Get Joey Deas to fart into that thing. | |
| Second prototype is an attractive streamline. | ||
| Yeah, well, if it's another device, I mean, I thought they were forgetting. | ||
| But saying it's a prototype, so it's not ready to read it on your hand. | ||
| But they're saying prototype. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We ask you for contribution to convert Ferris Protoxic. | |
| Yeah, we can trust this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
ask you for contribution. | |
| Trust me. | ||
| Okay, give me money and I'm going to make this. | ||
| I swear to God, it works. | ||
| I swear to God in Mother Russia. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
| And swear to Anna Chapman, who if I make enough money, I can make wedding vow with her. | ||
| The Russian spy who is a family. | ||
| She will leave me. | ||
| Edward Snowden. | ||
| She will leave this traitor, Edward Snowden, and come with me to make food safe for everyone. | ||
| Give money to Kickstarter. | ||
| Everybody's got a fucking Kickstarter, man. | ||
| I'm getting a little annoyed with people's Kickstarters. | ||
| You know, there's people that have Kickstarters that are like for their own business and they actually have money already. | ||
| Like, whatever happened to just investing your fucking money? | ||
| You know, why are you trying to steal money from everybody? | ||
| Yeah, but isn't that how investment works, though? | ||
| No? | ||
| I mean, you get other people to invest in it. | ||
| Yeah, but Kickstarter is like, some of the Kickstarter ones are pretty cool. | ||
| I don't know much about Kickstarter. | ||
| All I know is that people are giving Zach Braff shit, and I don't think that that's cool that they're giving Zach Braff. | ||
| Zach Braff was the guy who made Garden Estate, the guy from Scrubs. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he put out a Kickstarter to fund his next film, and people gave him money to make his next film. | ||
| And I think that that's cool. | ||
| Why are people giving him shit? | ||
| Because they're like, well, he's made a lot of money. | ||
| Why didn't he do it? | ||
| It's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That's not how investment works. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Put it that way, though, actually, Kickstarter makes sense then. | ||
| Well, because people, they're like, well, I mean, because movies cost, well, because movies cost millions of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why. | |
| And yeah, he's got millions of dollars, but what kind of fucking asshole is going to be like, oh, I'm going to make this movie. | ||
| I'm going to put $10 million into it. | ||
| Mel Gibson. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's how he got rich as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But meanwhile, I don't think he's rich as fuck anymore. | ||
| No, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Apparently. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Took a beating. | ||
| Mel took a bath. | ||
| The ex-wife got a big chunk. | ||
| The girlfriend who yelled. | ||
| No, that was the girlfriend. | ||
| That wasn't the wife. | ||
| That was just some Russian chick he knocked up. | ||
| That was with Russians, man. | ||
| Spying and recording. | ||
| Spying, recording, video. | ||
| Be careful what you say around a Russian. | ||
| Very mercenary. | ||
| Well, that was the perfect. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| The potato salad. | ||
| This kid asked for $10 to make potato salad on Kickstarter, and he ended up getting over $55,000 for it. | ||
| So what happens with that? | ||
| He gets to keep that money? | ||
| He's actually going to throw a party in Columbus and have a big concert and donate like $35,000 to charity and start a non-profit to deal with some two. | ||
| That's a nice guy. | ||
| But that's just an updated version of pet rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The guy who made the pet rock made a fucking kajillion dollars. | ||
| Pet Rock made a lot of fucking money. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I was a kid when that was going on. | ||
| The pet rock. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I think that was it, the 70s? | ||
| That was before me, I think. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I believe it was. | ||
| A guy basically packaged rocks. | ||
| Rocks, and that's it. | ||
| And sold them in stores. | ||
| And this is before internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Not one person bought them. | ||
| No. | ||
| Millions. | ||
| Yeah, he made a lot of money. | ||
| I wonder how much the pet rock made. | ||
| What do you guess? | ||
| I want to bet I want to say he made 50 million bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| How much do you think? | ||
| It can't be 50. | ||
| I bet he made about 50 million bucks. | ||
| How much do you think? | ||
| I'd say a few million, three, four million. | ||
| Okay, marketing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| I don't know much about it, though. | ||
| A few million? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| I guess I'd like to believe that. | ||
| Pet Rock Millionaire offers new method to get stoned. | ||
| That's an actual copy of a newspaper. | ||
| How much is this going to make? | ||
| Development doesn't say. | ||
| How could the Wikipedia not say? | ||
| I would think that would be one of the first things that people 1.5 million pet rocks. | ||
| Oh, so then at least. | ||
| How much do they cost? | ||
| A few dollars, right? | ||
| The fad lasted about six months, ending after a short increase in sales during the Christmas season of December 1975. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Timing. | |
| Although by February 1976, they were discounted due to lower sales. | ||
| He sold 1.5 million pet rocks and became a millionaire. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| A 32-page official training manual titled The Care and Training of Your Pet Rock was included with instructions on how to properly raise and care for one's new pet rock, notably lacking instructions for feeding, bathing, etc. | ||
| So if it costs five bucks, Homeboy made a lot of money. | ||
| He made five million dollars. | ||
| 20 bucks now. | ||
| You can still buy the shit? | ||
| Yeah, same petrock.com. | ||
| Same company, you think? | ||
| Yep, since 1975. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, since then he sold 10. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In 1975, he sold 1.5 million. | ||
| He's been going real bad, slipped off, dude. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| First six months were great. | ||
| After Watergate, people just got real squirrely about their money. | ||
| I blame 9-11. | ||
| The Mel Gibson one was probably, we were just playing, worse than Kramer or the same? | ||
| Worse. | ||
| I think not. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, the Kramer one was worse because it was videotaped. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You saw in his eyes hate. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| If Mel Gibson, you're like, yeah, but he's an actor and you heard it and who knows. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| It was fucked up. | ||
| Just shut up and blow me. | ||
| But it's fucked up that we're getting a window into this guy's. | ||
| I kind of feel like you should be able to say whatever you want in your house and they can't use that against you. | ||
| Well, definitely. | ||
| You know, especially because there's a lot of times, like we were talking about jokes. | ||
| Like I have this whole bid in my act about the difference between someone joking and someone's. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I saw you do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the point is that when you're on stage in a comedy club, you should assume that someone's fucking around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you know what you came to see. | ||
| You know you came to see comedy. | ||
| Well, when you're at home, you don't expect that other people are going to hear what you're saying. | ||
| So there's a lot of times people just say fucked up shit. | ||
| And not even mean it. | ||
| You're fucking cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope you rot at the bottom of a million pound pile of dog shit. | |
| And by the way, you're by yourself when you say that. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Because why not? | ||
| You're fucking home and you're alone. | ||
| Or you're at home and you've got your dick in your hand and you're talking to your girlfriend on the phone and she's being an asshole to you and she won't come over and have sex with you. | ||
| So you just scream because you're drunk. | ||
| You scream some horrible upsetting that you don't mean at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| And the next day it's on the internet. | ||
| You're like, I was fucking kidding. | ||
| I wasn't being serious. | ||
| Yeah, there's statements. | ||
| There's public statements and then there's things that can be turned into public statements if they record you and then just transmit it. | ||
| And that's what happened with Mel Gibson. | ||
| That destroyed him. | ||
| He was a giant superstar. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But was that more just the business of things that weren't going well for him? | |
| Or was he at the top of his game? | ||
| I can't remember when that happened. | ||
| He was at the top of his game. | ||
| Two things happened to him. | ||
| Two things happened to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The anti-Semite thing. | |
| To me, that was what buried him. | ||
| But the anti-Semite thing was, there was no recording, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No, I don't think there was. | ||
| Was there? | ||
| Does cops record everything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think there was. | |
| I don't know if there was. | ||
| I don't believe it got out publicly, but I do believe that the cops were saying that Mel Gibson was calling them Jews and saying that the Jews control Hollywood. | ||
| And also his dad is like a Holocaust denier. | ||
| And also he was drunk driving, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that in itself is just like, oh, he's a fuck up. | |
| Yeah, those things are all bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Drunk driving and screaming about Jews. | ||
| People frown upon those. | ||
| That combination of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really, even if you're screaming positive things about Jews. | |
| You're hammering. | ||
| You're just like, it's not a good look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just weird. | |
| You would lose some validity in your. | ||
| You open your door, your car door, fucking beer cans fall out, you fall onto the highway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, I love corned beef. | |
| Bagels are the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish I had a Yamicon right now. | |
| His dad is apparently a serious anti-Semite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But enough of those things, a few of those things will bury you. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and if you're screaming about, fuck you, come over while you're. | ||
| Well, I also think there's a mental illness aspect to it, too. | ||
| I think some people just have something wrong with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But also, how do you be famous for 40 years? | |
| And super stupid famous. | ||
| But yeah, no, not famous like you're on a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's Mel fucking Gibson. | ||
| He's Mad Max. | ||
| How do you be famous, that famous, for 40 years and just be like, be normal? | ||
| We have to ask Tom Cruise. | ||
| We have to pull Tom Cruise aside. | ||
| Tom Cruise is the best at it, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you see him cracking a little bit sometimes. | |
| He's crazy. | ||
| All right, I know, but you see him holding it together. | ||
| Well, when he was on the Today Show and he was talking to that dude, Matt, whatever his name is, Matt Lowry. | ||
| Yeah, Matt Lowry. | ||
| About psychedelic or psychiatric drugs. | ||
| Uh-huh, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Remember that? | ||
| You're being glib, man. | ||
| About very glib. | ||
| Glib shields and he talked about her. | ||
| Well, I, but, dude, there's, let me tell you something right now. | ||
| There's no fucking way if I was Tom Cruise, dude, I wouldn't even be on the Today Show. | ||
| I'd be. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying I wouldn't be allowed there because I would already have fucked up completely. | ||
| I would be on buildings screaming shit out, positive and negative about Jews. | ||
| Just everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just, just, just, who cares? | ||
| I would be the worst guy. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I'm on a fucking show, kind of. | ||
| And that already, I'm already getting nuts. | ||
| Do you think that, yeah. | ||
| More power to Tom. | ||
| Tom Cruise is amazing for that. | ||
| Do you think that the average person could ever understand what it would be like to be scrutinized on just the level that you're scrutinized on? | ||
| Just being on a show, having people talk shit about you online, reading Twitter pages, communicating with seeing people talk about you and just overwhelming. | ||
| It's hard to not respond to every single one. | ||
| It's hard to... | ||
| And people just wrote racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the hat's fucking weird looking. | |
| You're a racist. | ||
| I didn't even know that your girl was black until people were saying it. | ||
| I was like, oh, yeah, I guess she's black. | ||
| There's nothing fucking racist about you. | ||
| You're racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom 46 or whatever the fuck? | |
| Do you respond to them? | ||
| Sometimes I do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a bit about it that I do. | ||
| Sometimes there's like a guy, I get into a thing where they go, fuck you, fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I say to the person, I'll fuck your whole family. | |
| And then the person runs back, I'm eight. | ||
| And he was eight. | ||
| He was a fucking eight-year-old. | ||
| You never know who these people are. | ||
| That is a problem. | ||
| A lot of times you're dealing with like little kids. | ||
| You're getting into things with little kids. | ||
| But you don't know because you just fuck you. | ||
| Oh, all right, bro. | ||
| And you're bored as shit. | ||
| You're on the road. | ||
| I'm coming for you, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I used to get in those. | ||
| I got into things. | ||
| I can't imagine you didn't. | ||
| I can't imagine you didn't. | ||
| You're like the Tupac of comedians. | ||
| I'm the Tupac. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| Just like fucking. | ||
| Like, I'll get you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If this happened, I'll fuck with you. | ||
| I'll get you. | ||
| I had a guy who was tweeting me back and forth, or it was MySpace, MySpacing me back and forth way back in the day. | ||
| He was saying really mean shit to me. | ||
| And then I just engaged him and went back and blessed him. | ||
| And then I put it online. | ||
| I put like our whole conversation online. | ||
| And people got so mad at me. | ||
| He was 20. | ||
| I didn't know he was 20. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But then I started commenting on what I was doing when I was 20 and how he's a loser in comparison to me. | ||
| That's funny as shit, though. | ||
| But people will be like, yo, people will be like, I'll just, people will make fun, will say, you're shitty or whatever. | ||
| And I'll just, I'll look at their picture and I'll be like, you're a six. | ||
| Like, that's how good looking you are. | ||
| A guy or a girl. | ||
| Either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then I will get just, that's not cool, dude. | |
| Well, yeah, but you entered the octagon here. | ||
| I make fun of things. | ||
| That's what I do for a living. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you tweet me, fuck you and your show, you entered the octagon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Done. | ||
| But then the other people public, the other people that aren't even involved in it, then they'll come after you. | ||
| Not cool, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's where you get fucked and you're like, ah, fuck. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| It's wasted energy. | ||
| It is wasted energy. | ||
| And you should stop doing it. | ||
| You should not engage. | ||
| You should. | ||
| No, you definitely. | ||
| You should not engage. | ||
| That's the right thing to do. | ||
| The right thing to do is find the ones that are worthy and make them jokes. | ||
| And take things that people have said to you and turn them into bits against the person who said something to you. | ||
| That way you're not even addressing them personally. | ||
| You're just taking what they said and then bringing it to the stage. | ||
| Well, that's what I did with the thing, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's the way to do it. | ||
| It is the way to do it. | ||
| The problem is if you get anytime publicly, you get into any sort of an altercation. | ||
| Like, this is one of the things that I learned about the Carlos Mencia situation when the thing with Carlos went down, which if I had to do it again. | ||
| I wanted to ask you that, yeah. | ||
| I would do it again. | ||
| In that case, with that guy. | ||
| That guy's a bad guy. | ||
| What he did was bad. | ||
| And what he did, what people saw was a tenth of what he did. | ||
| Not even. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| What he did, he would go on stage in front of guys and do their best bits and then bring them up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, on TV shows. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| Johnny Sanchez had a bit. | ||
| Funny fucking bit. | ||
| I don't know if he still does it. | ||
| Johnny Sanchez, funny guy. | ||
| He was always at the store. | ||
| Johnny's funny. | ||
| He had a great bit about his Persian next-door neighbor. | ||
| People were always parking in a spot and the guy would freak out and he would freak out with broken English. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's fucking parking in my fucking parking. | ||
| Right, yes, yeah. | ||
| I know that bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know that bit. | |
| It's very fun. | ||
| It's a great bit. | ||
| He's parking in my parking. | ||
| Mancia does it on stage on television before he brings Johnny Sanchez up. | ||
| On a television gig? | ||
| He was hosting Loco Slam, one of those shows. | ||
| And Johnny was going to do it? | ||
| Johnny was the next act. | ||
| Going to do that bit? | ||
| Johnny was doing it. | ||
| Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's his closing bit. | ||
| It's his closing bit. | ||
| So Mancia does it before he brings him up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And no one was doing anything about it. | ||
| None of the agents, none of the clubs. | ||
| No one was doing anything about it. | ||
| And when you would bring it up, they would say, this is just business. | ||
| Like, this is what Gersh said to me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Gersh said to me, you know, when they asked me to apologize to Mancia, or they were going to drop me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they dropped me. | ||
| Well, I told them I would never work with them again. | ||
| I said, Mike, I said, our conversation's over. | ||
| I said, look, you guys have already made this decision for me. | ||
| There's no way I could ever work with you knowing that what you guys do is you sell art. | ||
| That's what you sell. | ||
| You sell. | ||
| A comedian works. | ||
| We write. | ||
| We sit things. | ||
| We sit by ourselves. | ||
| We come up with ideas. | ||
| We write things down in the car. | ||
| We take these ideas. | ||
| We try to craft them. | ||
| We try to turn them into bits. | ||
| Like, we all do it. | ||
| And what they do is they come along and they sell that art. | ||
| They say, hey, Chris DeLia's got a new hour that he put together. | ||
| And he's going to go on the road and he's going to give us 10%. | ||
| So they're selling your art. | ||
| And this guy was a vampire. | ||
| He was stealing from the artists. | ||
| And they were selling the vampire's work. | ||
| They were selling what he had done. | ||
| But all you had done is take from these other artists and piece it together. | ||
| But it was all thievery. | ||
| It was all theft. | ||
| And they were talking that they were, and when they were saying that he was a bigger star than me at the time, and Steely was, especially when it came to movies and television shows, because he had Mindamancia. | ||
| And it was after I was done doing Fear Factor. | ||
| And they didn't have me for film. | ||
| I was with another agency for that. | ||
| They only had me for stand-up. | ||
| And so we had this situation when they were saying that I had to apologize to them. | ||
| And in their eyes, it was just business. | ||
| And so I would have done it again just because it needed to be done. | ||
| Like, there was a real problem. | ||
| There wasn't just like, there was a few minor instances of plagiarism or there was parallel thinking or two guys did jokes about a similar subject and you think that one guy came up with the other guy's bit. | ||
| He was one of the worst plagiarists I've ever seen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And a bully with it. | ||
| Like a mean guy. | ||
| Like the Sanchez thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's crazy. | |
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| He would bump guys when they were headlining, like they would be headlining for the first time, like Brad Williams or Brad Williams or was it I forget which guy it was, but his first gig headlining, Mencia shows up, does a guest spot in front of him for 45 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| On his first ever headlining gig, like the guy's finally there, and Mencia just goes up and steals his thunder for 45 minutes. | ||
| I think it was actually someone else. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out who it was, but it wasn't the only time he's done that. | ||
| Like he would, guys, their name would be on the marquee. | ||
| He would show up and bump them. | ||
| Like the bumping was a big thing. | ||
| We'd go on right before them. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| Sneak right in. | ||
| But my point is that the negative stuff that I got from that, like the people that, when two people see, or when two people are fighting, and then all the public gets to chime in their opinion, then you just open yourself up to this attack. | ||
| Even if you're right, and I was right. | ||
| Most people were on my side, but most people doesn't mean everybody. | ||
| If there's a million people that were on my side, there was 300,000 that were angry at me. | ||
| And the 300,000, it slowly eroded to zero. | ||
| It did over time. | ||
| He still gets hate. | ||
| I don't get anything from that. | ||
| Over time, it was proven that I was correct. | ||
| Everybody saw the Bill Cosby thing. | ||
| All these other comedians came out. | ||
| And then he did Mark Maron. | ||
| Did you ever hear those podcasts that he did? | ||
| I think I did. | ||
| Yeah, a while ago. | ||
| Was that bad? | ||
| I don't remember it, though. | ||
| It's bone curling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| God, it was. | ||
| Blood curdling. | ||
| I don't remember it at all. | ||
| It was ugly because you got to see how crazy he is. | ||
| Especially the first one, Maron was kind of like. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he did it twice. | ||
| But the second one was he came back on to address things that all these other comedians had said about him. | ||
| All these other comedians who talked about him stealing. | ||
| And then he sort of fell apart. | ||
| He fell apart in the second one. | ||
| And then he did that I Am Comic documentary and admitted on I Am Comic that he steals people's stuff and reworks it. | ||
| It's sort of like a rapper samples bits. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, you ever see that? | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| I thought I saw it. | ||
| Just pull up. | ||
| Mencia admits to stealing an I Am comic. | ||
| It's really... | ||
| Like, he's been open about the fact that he had to go to therapy because of all this. | ||
| And he's just a beaten man. | ||
| I mean, you look at his... | ||
| And he's had 40,000 Twitter followers for years. | ||
| I mean, that is who that guy is now. | ||
| Like, here it is. | ||
| Like, he's getting interviewed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People out there are going to ask, why did they interview Carlos about this? | |
| You know, Carlos is a joke thief. | ||
| Carlos steals jokes, and we know this. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| And look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty. | ||
| If you think that I steal jokes. | ||
| Fuck yeah, you're right. | ||
| Of course I fucking steal jokes. | ||
| Are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch. | ||
| You better get the fuck off stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. | |
| And all I'm going to do is say Mexican in the front. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like a rapper. | |
| I just sample shit and make it my own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that really my song? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| But it sounds like mine. | ||
| But it kind of sounds like somebody else's. | ||
| It's a hit, bitch. | ||
| Sample, sample. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| But was he joking there? | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| He was serious? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, he's serious. | ||
| That's exactly what he does. | ||
| I mean, even if he says he's joking, that's exactly what he does. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's his thing. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I think he did that just because he was just cracking. | ||
| He was just cracking. | ||
| Years and years and years and years and years and years and years of people fucking yelling at him and everywhere he goes, he fucking thief. | ||
| And then they found out that he wasn't really Mexican, so the Mexicans got mad at him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| But the initial point was that in that situation, something had to be done. | ||
| But for the most part, engaging with someone is not worth it. | ||
| Especially publicly, unless you have something really important to prove. | ||
| When you do it publicly, man, you just open yourself up to so much, so many idiots' opinions, so much negativity. | ||
| It's just not worth it. | ||
| It's hard when you're doing interviews, though, and then somebody asks you a certain question. | ||
| You're like, oh, here we go. | ||
| And then you get in trouble. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they take it out of context and you're like, that's not what I fucking even said. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But also in this time we live in now, it's all soundbite shit. | ||
| And when you're asking somebody a question about like I did an interview for HuffPost and it was like they asked me about something and then they took a bite of that and they put it onto the headline and it's like, now fucking everyone, you know what I mean? | ||
| Everyone's like what the fuck did you say here? | ||
| What did you say there? | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, that's not fair. | ||
| No, that's weird when they do that. | ||
| And that goes back to, you know, me saying, it's like, look, I think I'm a good guy. | ||
| And you fucking, they took that and spun it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, when people take things out of context, context is everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's everything. | |
| It really is. | ||
| And the ability to take things in quotes, like I've had people take quotes that I said like on a Twitter, like just a Twitter joke and write a whole blog about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And, you know, come up with all these weird assumptions of how I feel about things and write this whole blog about it. | ||
| Like, why'd they do that? | ||
| Because it's a cheap shot because it's an easy thing to do. | ||
| Because it's an easy way to get their attention. | ||
| They can talk shit about Crystalia. | ||
| You know, they know Crystalia's a known character. | ||
| Oh, Crystalia's an asshole. | ||
| Look at Crystalia roll. | ||
| Oh, what a piece of shit. | ||
| And they'll do things about. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why Twitter is kind of funky in a way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also 140 characters is just not enough for any sort of nuanced opinion on these. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's totally true. | ||
| It's just you're not going to really get to the heart of what someone thinks about something. | ||
| You're just going to get some weird snippet that you have to kind of piece together. | ||
| Especially when it's a joke. | ||
| Like I'll say fucked up things on Twitter that I don't really mean just as a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then people will decide that this is actually your opinion. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| They can't hear you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like I don't, I don't like, you know, I don't, I'm not into sports, you know? | |
| And I'll, I, when the World Cup was on, I was just tweeting about how stupid sports were, but I was making jokes, you know, and it's like, if, look, if you're a kid and you're coming up and sports is your way out, that's fucking awesome. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not, I don't think that kid's an asshole, you know? | |
| But people were sending me death threats. | ||
| The World Cup is a weird thing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People get super attached to it. | ||
| But they were like, oh, fucking sports don't matter. | ||
| I did this thing where I would make like quick videos of like where I was be at a bar and this World Cup would be going on and then some people would cheer and I would be like, yeah, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I would just be screaming, it doesn't matter. | ||
| And people were like, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Your stand-up doesn't matter if sports don't matter. | ||
| And I'm like, well, yeah, no shit, dude. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Stand-up doesn't matter. | ||
| I know, you know, unless you like stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And soccer doesn't matter if you don't like soccer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was working on a bit about the annoying white guy that pretends he likes soccer more than he really does. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Which is like really... | ||
| We were eating dinner at this place, and the World Cup was on in the background, and there was these annoying white guys that were screaming whenever the USA won or the USA scored a goal. | ||
| They were like jumping around and they're high-fiving each other. | ||
| It was just like, it was like there's nothing wrong with rooting for a team, but there's something artificial about the way they were doing it. | ||
| It was just too obvious. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, because it's also, it's every four years. | ||
| They forget about it two years after that, and then it comes back again and they're like, oh yeah, fuck it. | ||
| You know, yeah. | ||
| Also, you're not, you probably weren't even watching the fucking USA game. | ||
| They were like, yeah, fucking Barswana. | ||
| It's like, you don't fucking care. | ||
| I'm rooting for Germany. | ||
| Germany's always been my team. | ||
| I have a VW. | ||
| I love Germany. | ||
| It's like, I can't, I don't like anybody who gets too in the sauce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And just like, they're just like, oh, fuck yeah, man. | |
| And it's like, that's not your life, dude. | ||
| But I have a particular fascination about the World Cup because I find it very interesting that soccer gets, it doesn't move the needle at all outside of the World Cup. | ||
| Like, nobody gives a shit about soccer in America. | ||
| Remember when they tried to sell David Beckham? | ||
| They brought David Beckham to L.A. and they paid some fucking ungodly amount of money to have him. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| No one gave a fuck. | ||
| No one gave a fuck. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| No one gave a fuck. | ||
| They spent so much money to bring David Beckham to LA to play soccer. | ||
| And the only people that watch soccer in LA are Mexicans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They love soccer. | ||
| You know, Mexico has a long history of soccer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As does England. | ||
| But not in America. | ||
| They brought this English guy over to America to play soccer. | ||
| And everybody's like, yeah. | ||
| Where's Pele? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Brazilians love soccer. | ||
| There's a lot of countries that love soccer. | ||
| United States is not one of them. | ||
| Wow, they wanted soccer to be big and nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| So they try this really hot, tattooed up English guy. | ||
| Bring him over here. | ||
| Chicks went to soccer games. | ||
| I know girls that went to see a fucking soccer game because they were in love with David Becker. | ||
| Right, but that didn't last because they don't care about soccer. | ||
| Plus, there was a bunch of drunk Mexicans. | ||
| They were hitting on them when they were there. | ||
| It was a fucking disaster. | ||
| Nobody gives a shit about soccer in America. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I mean, it's more exciting than baseball. | ||
| I think soccer is more athletic. | ||
| It has more excitement just because there's no downtime. | ||
| In baseball, it's mostly downtime. | ||
| Yeah, it's more exciting. | ||
| Which is why I like baseball. | ||
| Because it's downtime. | ||
| Because of the chilling. | ||
| Because he'll get it. | ||
| I used to love playing. | ||
| I used to go to see baseball games when I lived in Boston. | ||
| I used to go to Fenway Park. | ||
| You don't really have to pay attention at a baseball game. | ||
| That's why it's so great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can go get a hot dog and come back and be like, oh, that guy's still up. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you happen to be there when a great moment happens, someone makes a great catch or a great knock, a great home run. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But still, if you tried inventing baseball today, people be like, wait, wait, what? | ||
| Right, that's true. | ||
| They'll be like, this game is retarded. | ||
| Like, what's going on? | ||
| So you have nine innings, and what happens if it's a tie? | ||
| You just keep playing. | ||
| Nine innings? | ||
| You keep playing? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's actually, to me, that's better than what soccer does, which is, hey, let's play a different game now. | ||
| You just fucking under, you undersold your whole game by saying it's tied. | ||
| Let's do a different game. | ||
| You play Jenga. | ||
| Then play Jenga. | ||
| Play fucking Jenga. | ||
| You're just going to kick at the goal now? | ||
| Which is the exciting part, which is what should have just started. | ||
| That's how it should have started. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The whole sport should be just kicking at the goal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hockey? | |
| We go to shootout? | ||
| Well, fuck hockey. | ||
| I can't watch that. | ||
| I can't watch it. | ||
| Here's what should happen. | ||
| Baseball, nine innings. | ||
| At the end of nine innings, if it's tied, the game's still over. | ||
| They go to hits, okay? | ||
| Whoever has more hits wins. | ||
| Same hits, then you go to fucking errors. | ||
| If the other team has more errors, they lose. | ||
| Dude, you should restructure baseball. | ||
| In my mind, that's what it is. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is actually a good idea. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why do you keep playing? | ||
| You said, how long is baseball last? | ||
| Nine innings. | ||
| Oh, wait, it's a tie. | ||
| Oh, well, let's go 10 here. | ||
| Here's a flaw with that problem, though. | ||
| Because what if, like, one team scored a run because they got four hits? | ||
| Like, they got a guy on first, then another guy got a single, he got on second, then another guy got on third, and then another guy came along and had a single, and then he brought in the third baseman comes in. | ||
| But if you watch, like, a home run, like, that would, like, discourage home runs because that's only one hit. | ||
| But it counts as one hit. | ||
| Yeah, but if you get more runs, you win. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if there's more hits, then you don't win. | ||
| You only get it if you tie, and then the hits are more. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| We probably sound so dumb right now. | ||
| Yeah, we're dumb as fuck. | ||
| We're dumb already. | ||
| We're dumb already. | ||
| Well, I'm definitely dumb. | ||
| I'm dumb at a lot of things. | ||
| You know how I know I'm dumb? | ||
| You know how I know I'm dumb? | ||
| Because when I'm doing this podcast, time will go by, and I'm just listening to you, and I'm like, that's fucking interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I haven't said shit. | |
| I legitimately am just listening to your podcast. | ||
| That's a part of podcasting, though. | ||
| That means you're good at it. | ||
| I know I'm dumb because I get offended when people tell me I'm smart. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because people tell me I'm smart, and I go, oh, this is wrong. | ||
| This is incorrect. | ||
| I know what actual smart people sound like. | ||
| I know actual smart people. | ||
| I've talked to them. | ||
| I know the difference. | ||
| I just have memorized a bunch of shit. | ||
| I know some things. | ||
| That's where you, that's when, when I, when I listen to you or talk to you or whatever it is, whenever I hear you, I always think, how do you, just before you even knew me, I would be like, how do, how does Joe Rogan remember that much shit? | ||
| I don't fucking remember anything. | ||
| I don't know how I remember so much. | ||
| That's like, I don't even bother. | ||
| I'm at the point now where I'm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's likely alphabet by on it. | |
| But I'm at the point where I don't even look shit up because I'm not going to remember it. | ||
| And that's sad as fuck. | ||
| If things are important to me, I remember them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a lot of stuff's important to you. | ||
| The important stuff's important to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To me. | ||
| But non-important shit. | ||
| Like someone will tell me something and I don't give a fuck. | ||
| And then I'll go, what are you talking about? | ||
| And they go, I just told you. | ||
| I'll go, really? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, so I have a very selective memory. | ||
| It's awesome if it's something that's actually interesting to me. | ||
| Yeah, you retain shit and you're interested, which is good. | ||
| You have to learn to be interested a lot of the time, though. | ||
| Like people. | ||
| Do you have to learn to be interested? | ||
| Or is it? | ||
| It's usually that people have too many other things going on that are not interesting, so they don't have the time to get interested. | ||
| I think you have to learn to be interested because, like you said, context is everything, right? | ||
| So if you give me a book that's very interesting, I don't know how to read it if I don't fucking read books. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I don't know the context of it. | ||
| Like, I don't, take Shakespeare. | ||
| Is that important? | ||
| To somebody who doesn't read Shakespeare, you're like, I don't know. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you wanted to just go back and kind of look at Shakespeare as like the origins of literature and the origins of storytelling, then it becomes interesting. | ||
| It's important and it's interesting. | ||
| But it's not interesting. | ||
| Like, it's hard to take things. | ||
| Do you listen to old stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you ever try to go back and listen to Lenny Bruce? | ||
| I haven't in a long time. | ||
| I'm a big fan of stand-up. | ||
| And Lenny Bruce, I have posters on my wall at home, these Lenny Bruce posters from concert films and stuff. | ||
| And I'm a huge Lenny Bruce fan. | ||
| I have like maybe four or five Lenny Bruce pictures in my house because I think that Lenny Bruce is, I think he was the godfather of it all. | ||
| He was the reason why we could do what we did. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Like, for folks who don't realize, like, at one point in time, stand-up was just jokes. | ||
| It was like set up punchline, set up punchline. | ||
| And there was these guys that would tour. | ||
| They would do like the Cat Skills. | ||
| And they would all do each other's acting. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They would all do the same jokes. | ||
| And they were just joke, like almost like street jokes. | ||
| And they would put together an act and that act would never change. | ||
| And then Lenny Bruce came along and Lenny Bruce started talking about things that he saw, the behavior people had, hypocrisy, religion, racism. | ||
| And everybody's like, what the fuck is this guy doing? | ||
| And people would come to see him and they would be blown away. | ||
| No one in the 50s and the 60s was talking like that. | ||
| No one was communicating the way Lenny Bruce was. | ||
| And he lit the fire that created George Carlin and Richard Pryor and all these different guys. | ||
| I think he was the original source of American stand-up comedy. | ||
| Oh, that's the Dustin Hawkins. | ||
| That's the movie, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you ever see it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| My dad loves it. | ||
| Put it on for a second. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know there's one nigga. | |
| There's a lot of endbobs getting dropped in this show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| There's two niggers. | ||
| And between those two niggers sits a kike. | ||
| And there's another kite. | ||
| That's two kikes and three niggers. | ||
| And there's a spick. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He's doing this in an audience that people just are super uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a Polark. | |
| And there's a couple of grease balls. | ||
| And there's three lace curtain Irish mix. | ||
| And there's one hip thick punky, funky boogie. | ||
| Boogie boogie. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I got three packs. | ||
| Do I hear five packs? | ||
| I got five packs. | ||
| Do I hear six picks? | ||
| I got six big. | ||
| Do I hear seven niggas? | ||
| I got seven niggas. | ||
| Sold American. | ||
| I passed with seven niggas. | ||
| Six fix, five nicks, four clacks, three guineas, and one whop. | ||
| You almost punched me out, didn't you? | ||
| Well, I was just trying to make a point, and that is that it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. | ||
| Dick, if President Kennedy would just go on television and say, I'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet, and if he just say, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, every nigger he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, nigger, nigger, nigger, niggered, nigger, till nigger didn't mean anything. | ||
| n-bombiest podcast ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why could somebody call him a nigger in school? | |
| Thank you. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| What a part to play. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he did a great job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like one of the, that's one of the best seemed like a standing ball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| He did. | ||
| I actually laughed because when guys play comedians, you're just like, oh, he's such. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if it's apparent to other people. | ||
| Tom Manks and Punchline. | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like you can just tell. | ||
| You can just tell it's not a comedian. | ||
| How about Sally Field and Punchline? | ||
| I fucking barely remember that. | ||
| I would have to watch that again. | ||
| Oh, you don't. | ||
| You don't actually bad for you. | ||
| But that was actually a really good representation of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's a really good representation of Lenny Bruce. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| I mean, he played Lenny Bruce. | ||
| And that bit, boy, it's all about the context of the times because that bit, like, if you did that today, like, boy, you'd have to do a way better job of piecing it together. | ||
| It's just the times are different. | ||
| Like, back, that was, at the time, what he was doing was like completely groundbreaking. | ||
| No one had ever done anything. | ||
| Well, yeah, you couldn't do that right now. | ||
| No, but it would be a different thing. | ||
| But if you went and watched him do Stand Up Today, like if Lenny Bruce was on stage doing Stand Up Today, you wouldn't be laughing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| Well, comedy, yeah, comedy changes. | ||
| And it's like you look at the shit back then, it's not funny anymore. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Even stuff from 20 years ago is not funny anymore. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that weird? | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| Remember the boxer guy that would punch his face in the 80s? | ||
| Yeah, Bob Nelson. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look at that now and you're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's just what that's, that's fucking crazy, dude. | |
| Bob Nelson is the reason why I have my manager. | ||
| Really? | ||
| My manager was managing Bob Nelson when Bob Nelson found Jesus. | ||
| And Bob Nelson decided to get a prayer partner, was going to be his new manager. | ||
| And so my manager was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| So he had to go find some new talent. | ||
| And so he came to Boston. | ||
| And the night that he came to Boston, I had written a joke. | ||
| I'd only been doing it. | ||
| There he is right there. | ||
| Shit is so weird, man. | ||
| Place up of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello. | |
| Hello. | ||
| Welcome to Jiffy Jeff's Gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My. | |
| My name is Jeff. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name is Jeff, and I'm the proprietor proprietor. | |
| I own the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's. | |
| That's 1980. | ||
| The opposite of funny, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it is. | |
| Now it is. | ||
| Back then, he used to kill. | ||
| He was a killer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's weird. | ||
| It was a different time, but he was always like a real schlapsticky. | ||
| I don't know if he had a substitute. | ||
| I don't know if he had a substance abuse problem or what. | ||
| I don't know how he got involved with his prayer partner or how he found Jesus. | ||
| I don't know what was so extreme about it. | ||
| But he fired my manager. | ||
| And then my manager just randomly came to Boston. | ||
| He was in New York. | ||
| Just randomly came to Boston to look for talent. | ||
| And I just happened to be up on stage that night. | ||
| It wasn't even scheduled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've been with him ever since. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, thank God for that guy. | |
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| But that's how that shit happened. | ||
| If that guy never did that set, you wouldn't have this podcast. | ||
| I might not. | ||
| Look, my manager is a very important part of my career. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| And he's a great friend, and I love the guy. | ||
| And we've been together since I was an amateur. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| I've had the same manager for 22 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| At least, maybe 23. | ||
| It might be 23 years now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| That's a great fucking thing, man, because that whole thing of like having the right representation, like the whole situation that I went through with Gersh, where they were trying to get me to apologize to Mancia. | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to worry about that if you got a guy in your corner for fucking 12 years already. | ||
| But imagine if that was my guy. | ||
| Imagine if Gersh was my guy and they were telling me that it was the only people I had representing me and they were telling me I had to apologize to a criminal. | ||
| That's the sneaky part about this business, right? | ||
| It's like dealing with all the people that sell it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, that's the business part of it. | ||
| The club owners. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like, who else is going to represent? | ||
| We're not going to do it. | ||
| We're not going to build a club. | ||
| We're fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine if the Crystalia talent agency got started. | ||
| It'd be like, oh, we'd fucking rep that guy. | ||
| We'd rep. | ||
| That's a goof. | ||
| It'd be like me and him in that fucking thing. | ||
| He would open for me. | ||
| That's a thing that happens too, right? | ||
| Guys bring terrible acts to open for them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were talking about that. | ||
| We were talking about that. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Like, I bring funny guys. | ||
| Brent Morin, who was the other guy on my show, and Jason Collings. | ||
| And those guys are so good. | ||
| And I don't get the idea of, yeah, I get a guy, he's okay, and then I'll go up and crush. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, we were talking about it because we were at the improv, and Chris is a very funny act, and some guys don't want to go after Chris. | ||
| And some guys specifically get upset if they wind up having to go after you. | ||
| And we were talking about this one guy who kind of tweaks about it and how ridiculous it is. | ||
| as if you being funny takes away from him being funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To me, it's about going up and people being different, and it's fun, and you go up and crush, and then I have to go on after you. | ||
| I don't want to fucking follow you, but I do. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, oh, then it'll be fucking, yeah, oh, good, I get to go after Joe. | ||
| It's going to be hard, but it'll be fun. | ||
| I'm different. | ||
| But you've done it. | ||
| You do it. | ||
| I do fine. | ||
| I did it, yeah, the other week, but I don't, I never would be like, no. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Dude, no way. | ||
| That's bitch made shit to me. | ||
| Bitch made. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To me, what are you saying? | ||
| You're saying you can't go up. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Who even, how about this? | ||
| You bomb. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| But bombing is just the whole thing that you've been working for is to build up your confidence so that you can get to this point where you finally feel like you're worthy of staying alive. | ||
| And then one bad set after Chris DeLia. | ||
| But that's the test the universe gives you. | ||
| We were talking about Scott Shore, who's Mitzi Shore's, I guess, oldest son. | ||
| He's a buddy of mine. | ||
| And I ran into him in La Jolla this part this part of the week in San Diego. | ||
| This weekend. | ||
| And we were talking about what Mitzi used to do to comics, like how she develops comedians. | ||
| And what she used to do is anybody who's any good, she would put you on after the biggest killers she could find. | ||
| Like all throughout my days at the comic store, I had to follow Martin Lawrence back when You So Crazy when He was doing that? | ||
| God damn, dude. | ||
| I was an unknown white guy. | ||
| The audience was mostly black, and he was going on stage with a leather jumpsuit on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was destroying. | ||
| Like people have forgotten how goddamn funny Martin Lawrence was. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| I will never forget. | ||
| Because he went crazy, and he wore like that rubber suit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was running around. | ||
| I actually think he's still funny when you see him in movies. | ||
| He's very funny. | ||
| He's very funny. | ||
| I haven't seen him do stand-up lately, but... | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| He came by the comedy store maybe two years ago and started doing some stuff, but I never really watched. | ||
| Well, I know he took a long time off, and then he came on stage, and he was talking about how they got him on pills. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty relatable. | ||
| He got me on pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And yeah, it was tough action. | ||
| And the audience was like, ooh. | ||
| Is this a TED Talk? | ||
| But when I saw him... | ||
| We were talking about people going crazy when they get so famous. | ||
| Martin Lawrence was goddamn gigantic. | ||
| He had that show enormous. | ||
| He's doing movies, Big Mama's House and all these other different That's him, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or was it Eddie Murphy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that Eddie Murphy? | |
| It was another big black woman. | ||
| Big Mama's House. | ||
| They all played Big Black Women at one point in time in their life. | ||
| But he did all those movies and he was just a giant superstar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But what people forget is his stand-up. | |
| He was a murderer. | ||
| He destroyed. | ||
| And I went on after him. | ||
| I don't know how many times. | ||
| I don't know how many times. | ||
| Anytime he was performing at the store, I was going on after him right away. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| And I was nobody. | ||
| I was nobody. | ||
| And I wasn't that good. | ||
| I was okay. | ||
| So you would get him sometimes and sometimes not? | ||
| I would eat shit. | ||
| I would eat shit and then eventually get to like a respectable few laughs before I bailed. | ||
| But the beginning was all just watching giant groups of black people get up and leave. | ||
| They were leaving anyway. | ||
| Tonight, y'all. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Who next? | ||
| And then he had to bring me up too. | ||
| He was very gracious. | ||
| He gave me a great introduction. | ||
| And how long would he do? | ||
| Oh, at least half an hour, at least. | ||
| Maybe more, 40 minutes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I mean, when I was in the comedy store, I would have to, they would make me go after Caparullo, who crushed. | ||
| But yeah, that's nothing like Martin Lawrence in the fucking. | ||
| Yeah, Caparillo's a good comic, but Martin Lawrence was a superstar. | ||
| He was so famous in the 90s. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| When I was going to the comedy store, there weren't people on TV that were at the comedy store. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was the dark ages. | ||
| 2008. | ||
| There was no, literally nobody. | ||
| It was. | ||
| And these guys are funny. | ||
| I'm not saying they're not funny, but they just weren't on TV. | ||
| Caprulo, Brett Ernst, Sebastian. | ||
| Sebastian, this was before he, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then and Dove. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You weren't there. | ||
| This was after you. | ||
| It was after I left. | ||
| I left in 2007. | ||
| That's when the Mencia thing happened. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I went in 2008, and then I would be going on after these guys that would crush. | ||
| Yeah, so I know what you're talking about a little bit, not like the Martin Lawrence thing. | ||
| I followed Richard Pryor five weeks in a row. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Five weeks in a row, Richard Pryor did stand up. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| It was the weirdest thing because he was already on his way out. | ||
| He was dying. | ||
| And they would carry him to the stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the audience would clap like fucking Moses had risen from the grave. | ||
| And it was just fascinating just to be in the room with him, man. | ||
| Just to be in the room with him. | ||
| I would love. | ||
| The greatest comic of all time, in my opinion. | ||
| And he would go on stage. | ||
| I think I should qualify that. | ||
| I think Sam Kinnison in 1986 was the greatest comic of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But he was only the greatest comic for a year. | ||
| I think he was a murderer. | ||
| Louder than hell when he did that. | ||
| He couldn't be stopped. | ||
| He was just unstoppable. | ||
| He was the greatest ever. | ||
| But it was a show. | ||
| When he did the thing about homosexual necrophiliacs, did you ever see that? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| What's the bit again? | ||
| And he goes, folks, he goes, there's these guys, homosexual necrophiliacs. | ||
| They were paying, paying morgues to spend a few hours undisturbed with their freshest male corpse. | ||
| And he goes, could you imagine? | ||
| You're lying out there on that slab saying, well, I'm dead now. | ||
| I guess I'm going to go with Jesus. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| And he's like rocking back and forth. | ||
| He's lying on his stomach on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, hey, hey, what the fuck is this? | |
| It feels like there's a dick in my ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You mean life keeps rocking the enemy back to the deck? | |
| It never ends. | ||
| It never ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, oh. | |
| Like, you had to see it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At the time, there'd been nobody like him. | ||
| Nobody even remote. | ||
| He was so original. | ||
| Like, there was no one like Kinnison before he came along. | ||
| Everybody else was doing jokes. | ||
| He was screaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I live in hell. | |
| He goes, look at me, look at me, look at me. | ||
| Oh, oh, I was married twice. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he did this joke about going to hell and about Satan wouldn't even bother trying to scare you. | ||
| And he goes, oh, you've been married? | ||
| This is an old hat for you. | ||
| Come on in. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| You had to see him at the time. | ||
| Well, that's you know, Kinnison is an interesting thing because when I think about Kinnison, I would have loved to have seen what the fuck would have happened to him as a comic. | ||
| He would have gotten worse. | ||
| Well, it was all about it. | ||
| It would have been ugly. | ||
| I mean, I'm just guessing, but his act was so bad at the end. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He's the best example that I give to young comics when they want to talk about the perils of fame and what can happen to you when you stop writing, when you stop working on your sets, you're no longer trying to hone it as an art form. | ||
| He was just being Kinnison. | ||
| He was doing blow and break and being this superstar. | ||
| If you listen to Louder Than Hell, you go watch his first HBO special, watch that stuff, the good stuff, and then watch the subsequent specials. | ||
| They were slowly but surely terrible. | ||
| Like, not as good. | ||
| The first one after was not nearly as good, and then it got really bad. | ||
| And then at the end, it was awful. | ||
| He just fell on apart. | ||
| And I got to see him live after he had fallen apart. | ||
| I saw him at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts, and Carl LeBeau opened for him. | ||
| Carl, who's a funny guy? | ||
| He wasn't as funny as Carl. | ||
| He just, he had already used up all his best material, all the hunger from being an up-and-coming comic. | ||
| Years and years of struggle, he developed all these killer bits. | ||
| And then within a year, he had to rewrite the whole thing. | ||
| He had to come up with all this new material. | ||
| And it was just gimmicky stuff. | ||
| Like he would have some guy on stage, and the guy would tell him about a heartbreak that he had, and then he would bring up a phone, and he would call the girl from the stage and scream at her. | ||
| Like that was his gimmick. | ||
| You fucking cunt. | ||
| I'm here with Tom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell her, tell her. | |
| And he'd go, fucking cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking, I hope you rot in hell. | |
| I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Die! | |
| Die! | ||
| Thank you, good night. | ||
| And that's how he would get off stage. | ||
| It was, this wasn't that good. | ||
| It was over. | ||
| Like, it was over. | ||
| Like, the wind that carried his sails was over. | ||
| But during that 1986 year, Maron has the best fucking stories about Kinnison because Maron used to work at the comedy store when Kinnison was coming up. | ||
| And he did Coke with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, really? | |
| He did Coke for like 72 hours and stayed up for days. | ||
| And it broke Maron's brain to the point where Maron said that he was hearing voices for almost a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Anybody who's listening to this, if you want to hear more of it, Mark Maron's episode of this podcast, when Mark Maron was on this podcast, I'm sure it's easy to find. | ||
| He told some fucking awesome stories about Kinnison. | ||
| They were amazing. | ||
| Like I just like my jaw was hanging open. | ||
| My eyes were glued open. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| But he was there at the darkest moments of The Beast, like when Kinnison was just in time anywhere, it would be just the 80s and I'd go to the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me too. | |
| Like, fuck Caveman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't care. | |
| I don't even give a shit. | ||
| I don't even care. | ||
| Napoleon, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would go see the 1986 comedy store. | |
| I'm with you. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would love to see Pryor when like the Live of the Sunsets trip time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like during those days. | ||
| I mean, just people clamoring to get in on a Monday night. | ||
| I would love to see that. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I want to see that guy, the fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to see that guy. | |
| Jeff, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| I want to see that. | ||
| Yeah, no kidding, man. | ||
| Yeah, but that's because you're a real comic. | ||
| You know, you really love it. | ||
| You know, one of the things I saw one of your tweets the other day. | ||
| I really loved it. | ||
| Only I would love it. | ||
| But only comics would love it. | ||
| Like, all I want to do is be on stage. | ||
| I don't want to go to your party. | ||
| I don't want to go to the beach. | ||
| But people don't get it. | ||
| Like, the rush and the fun that you have when you're crushing, when you're crushing. | ||
| Like, I love watching comedy still. | ||
| And this is something that I've really cultivated. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I notice you. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool about you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love laughing. | ||
| Like, when we were watching Callan the other day. | ||
| I know, it's great. | ||
| I love laughing, man. | ||
| And I love the art form. | ||
| Callan was doing. | ||
| I don't want to give his bit away, but he was doing this bit. | ||
| And I was howling in the back of the room because it was like, he added a bunch of new lines to it. | ||
| I haven't seen it before. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I still love it. | ||
| Some people don't, man. | ||
| That's something, if I could give advice to young comics, don't lose the love as a fan because sometimes comics, they become comics, and then it's all about them. | ||
| It's all about getting better, and it's all about them killing and not about other people. | ||
| And then it becomes all about like, you know, like you sort of dissect. | ||
| Like, I talked to Norton once. | ||
| He was telling me he doesn't watch other comedy because he worries that he's going to be influenced. | ||
| And I was like, God, I might have to quit comedy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If that was the case. | ||
| There is something to be said for that, though. | ||
| I mean, at least he's got a reason and a freaking. | ||
| Oh, it's an ethical reason. | ||
| But I don't think you can avoid being influenced. | ||
| You're going to be, I think I'm influenced by other comics for sure. | ||
| I think I'm also influenced by pop culture. | ||
| I'm influenced by art and music and movies that I see and books that I read. | ||
| I think life is the entire culture, the entire civilization of human beings is a series of influences. | ||
| People influencing people, people enhancing people. | ||
| There's the whole reason to have good friends is good friends enhance you. | ||
| If you're around people that are constantly pushing and they're constantly getting shit done, it makes you get shit done. | ||
| When I was a kid, when I was in high school, I had two of my best friends, Jimmy Detilio and Jimmy Lawless. | ||
| Those guys sound great. | ||
| Guys, friends. | ||
| They're the great guys. | ||
| They sound like they're two great guys. | ||
| But one of the things that was great about those guys is that they worked hard. | ||
| When I was in high school, these guys had, like, Jimmy has an electrical company and he's an electrician. | ||
| And the other Jimmy is a carpenter. | ||
| And while I was in high school, these guys were constantly working. | ||
| They would get up early. | ||
| They would do things. | ||
| Jimmy Detillio had a fucking snowplow operation. | ||
| He had a truck that he had bought. | ||
| We were in high school. | ||
| He had a fucking plow and a truck, a pickup truck. | ||
| He'd been making money. | ||
| He was hustling. | ||
| He was always getting shit done. | ||
| And so I would feel lazy if I didn't hustle like these guys did. | ||
| And I developed a lot of my work ethic from being friends with these guys because they were hustlers because they were constantly getting shit done. | ||
| And if you're around guys that constantly get shit done, it becomes sort of contagious. | ||
| And I think comics, they tend to be, a lot of us tend to be very insolent. | ||
| Not well, the best way to look at it is you concentrate too much on yourself to the point where you avoid other things being good that don't have anything to do with you. | ||
| Especially like struggling comics. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why they don't enjoy watching other stand-up. | ||
| You wish you came up with those jokes. | ||
| You wish it was you that was up there. | ||
| You see, like I went to this place, Cap City, once, and Jim Norton was on stage. | ||
| And I was watching, and beside me were the two guys that were on before Jim Norton. | ||
| And they didn't laugh at all. | ||
| They were just sitting there while he was on stage murdering me. | ||
| And I was crying laughing. | ||
| And I remember looking over and saying, these guys aren't enjoying this comedy. | ||
| And there was like a tinge of, I wish it was me up there. | ||
| There was a tinge that these guys were exhibiting of, I wish it was me. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| And I was like, you poor bastards. | ||
| Like, you're missing out on why did you become a comic in the first place? | ||
| That's interesting, yeah. | ||
| Became a comic in the first place because you love comedy, right? | ||
| Like, I love stand-up comedy long before I ever thought I was coming. | ||
| I always thought it was the coolest thing to go on stage with no nothing and just say shit and people are entertained. | ||
| Yeah, and the coolest thing to watch, too. | ||
| Like, I went to see a bunch of live stand-up before I ever got paid to do it. | ||
| Like, I saw Kinnison long before I ever did stand-up. | ||
| I saw Kinnison in 86 in Mansfield, Massachusetts at the Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts. | ||
| And I saw him again at this place down the Cape. | ||
| And it was all long before. | ||
| I saw Rodney Dangerfield long before I ever thought about doing stand-up. | ||
| And these guys like that don't appreciate it as just a thing to enjoy because they do it themselves. | ||
| Like, God, you're missing out on a lot, man. | ||
| Just laugh. | ||
| It's easy to get caught up in, though. | ||
| So it is interesting. | ||
| I mean, to say that is important, I think, because it's easy to get caught up in your own head. | ||
| Your own head, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Your own head, your own career, your own selfishness. | ||
| Think about it only, you know, in terms of like your success. | ||
| Like, how many comics do you know where other guys will get shit and then they'll get jealous? | ||
| You were talking about that's happened to you. | ||
| Like, you, when you started taking off, like, you started out. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then start taking off. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They get angry. | ||
| They get angry, yeah. | ||
| It's very weird, man, because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There'll be no gold left for us, Crystalia. | |
| Which is exactly wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if let's all go do this. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you can. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You can absolutely, especially in comedy, you get your crew. | ||
| Well, not only that, how about the fact that there's 350 million people in the country, and there's how many fucking clubs? | ||
| It's not like there's one club in New York. | ||
| We all have to go there and get on stage, and there's no goddamn stage time. | ||
| No, New York itself has 100 clubs at least. | ||
| Just New York. | ||
| LA has, how many fucking clubs are in LA? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's the main ones, there's the improv, the laugh factory, the comedy store, and then you've got the ha ha. | ||
| Then you've got fucking the ice house in Pasadena. | ||
| You've got all the. | ||
| Brea and Irvine. | ||
| You can go there. | ||
| Brea, Irvine, Ontario, on and on and on. | ||
| The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa. | ||
| I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, there's a lot of places to perform here. | ||
| And then across the country, like everywhere you go, there's a comedy club. | ||
| Everywhere you go, there's a place to perform. | ||
| If you develop an act and you have a following, you develop a following, you're going to work. | ||
| You're going to have a great time. | ||
| There's plenty of prosperity. | ||
| Just keep doing it. | ||
| Just keep doing it. | ||
| And also, yeah. | ||
| Just fucking don't do one club either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't just be in Cap City and just do that area. | |
| No, that's not good either, right? | ||
| You know, one of the things I love about comedy is I still love comedy. | ||
| I fucking still love it, man. | ||
| You know, I'm getting ready to do the special. | ||
| I'm filming my special not this upcoming weekend, but the next upcoming weekend. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It was that soon, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so I'm hammering it, man. | ||
| I'm doing like four or five nights a week. | ||
| I'm having so much fun, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cool to see to see that, you know, you still. | |
| When's the last time you did a special? | ||
| Two years ago. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And where are you taping this one? | ||
| This one's in Denver. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Comedy Works, yeah. | ||
| Comedy Works in Denver, which is one of my favorite clubs ever. | ||
| How are you putting it out? | ||
| Comedy Central. | ||
| Oh, okay, cool. | ||
| Where'd you do your last one for? | ||
| I did Comedy Central, yeah. | ||
| Where'd you film it? | ||
| In New Orleans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New Orleans. | |
| Yeah, it was fucking awesome. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| That's a good place to do comedy. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It was such a good place to do comedy because they don't have any comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't have a club. | |
| They don't have a club. | ||
| They have a scene, though. | ||
| They have like goddamn bars and stuff. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it was awesome. | ||
| I was unsure because it was my first in Comedy Central's, we want you to do it here. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| I'm so happy. | ||
| Did they piggyback you with a bunch of other specials they were filming where they have the same stage? | ||
| We each had a night, yeah. | ||
| But yeah, it was like three nights. | ||
| It was me, Steve Ranizzizzi, and Neil Brennan. | ||
| Yeah, they like to do that. | ||
| They like to do that where they get a place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing this one in a comedy club. | ||
| It's my first one in a comedy club. | ||
| I decided that I'm like, there's a thing about watching comedy in a literal. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| It's intimate, and you just get to do it in a comedy club. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| The show's better, too. | ||
| It's like there's a difference in the show that you see at a theater. | ||
| It's still great, but it's missing that crackling intimacy that a 300-seat, 250-seat comedy club is. | ||
| Like I just did American Comedy Company in San Diego. | ||
| Fucking perfect. | ||
| I love that club. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's the perfect club. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| You can't get any better. | ||
| It's just the perfect size. | ||
| And before that, I did Wise Guys in Utah. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know that one. | ||
| Oh, I know the name, but yeah. | ||
| You got to go there. | ||
| You fucking ripped that place apart. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And the people are cool as fuck. | ||
| You think of like Salt Lake City as being all a bunch of weirdo religious freaks. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| It's only like a percentage of the population. | ||
| And everybody else is like working really hard to not be like that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah, if you have that, you definitely have the opposite of that in one town. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's the places you like to work? | ||
| I do like the American Comedy Company. | ||
| I love Carolines. | ||
| Carolines and Broadway. | ||
| I love Carolines on Broadway. | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
| I love Addison Improv. | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
| I love that fucking room. | ||
| That's a wild room, man. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Right outside of Dallas. | ||
| Ooh, that's a fun place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My favorite place is a comedy store, though, man. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| Favorite? | ||
| It's our original room. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably one of the best rooms ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If not the best. | ||
| That's like the only room that's built. | ||
| Every other club is built for the audience. | ||
| That is built for the comedian. | ||
| It's like the only room, really, that I can think of that's built for you. | ||
| I'm working my way to get back there. | ||
| I might go back there. | ||
| Joey started going back there again. | ||
| Joey's my fucking canary in a coal mine. | ||
| Joey's one of the main reasons why I decided not to go back in the first place. | ||
| He actually quit before the Mancia thing went down. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he didn't like a lot of the things about the way the store was going. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's different now. | ||
| I mean, we wish you would come back, dude. | ||
| That would be fucking awesome. | ||
| He didn't get along with Paul either. | ||
| Oh, gotcha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm there all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, maybe I will. | ||
| Maybe I will. | ||
| But listen, man, it's been fun doing gigs with you. | ||
| I've been enjoying doing the improv. | ||
| Yeah, it's been really fun. | ||
| It's just been fun to have somebody not in the green room with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no green room there. | ||
| We were talking about the improv in Hollywood. | ||
| If we were on the road and we worked at that club, people were like, there's no fucking green room. | ||
| There's nowhere to stand. | ||
| Like in between shows, you just get weirded out. | ||
| All these strangers that glom onto you. | ||
| Joe and I will use each other. | ||
| We'll be like, yeah, just here, hang out. | ||
| We'll fucking be next to each other and somebody will. | ||
| Let me show you something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've shown each other nothing, by the way. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We pretend like we want to go see. | ||
| No, I want to see this guy's act here. | ||
| Let's go in. | ||
| Let's go into the showroom now. | ||
| Stay with us. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Nothing like it. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's been fun, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been cool, like, rolling with you and just being near you and doing that shit. | |
| It's been real fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's been fun doing a podcast. | ||
| We just did three hours. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Yeah, that kind of went quick. | ||
| It flew by. | ||
| We hope it flew by for you, too. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, if it didn't fly by for you, we apologize. | ||
| But that's on you. | ||
| But we don't really say sorry, remember? | ||
| We don't really give a fuck. | ||
| All right, that's it. | ||
| That's the end. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Thanks for listening. | ||
| We'll be back on Wednesday. | ||
| I got mad. | ||
| Fucking podcast this week, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Stamps.com. | ||
| Thanks to stamps.com. | ||
| Use the code word J-R-E for your special bonus offer, $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale, which you are not allowed to use for mushrooms. | ||
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| All right, you fucks. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| Until then, much love. |
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