July 29, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:52:36
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Good lord, brothers and sisters of the universe. | ||
| We're back. | ||
| We're back once again. | ||
| This podcast is supported by many fine sponsors. | ||
| Let's get into them right quick. | ||
| Number one, first and foremost, we're brought to you by Onnit. | ||
| Onnit, O-N-N-I-T, is a human optimization website. | ||
| It is a website that has evolved and grown from the birth of this podcast. | ||
| It essentially caused the business to form. | ||
| What it's about is selling what we deem to be items that enhance human performance. | ||
| Enhance your physical performance, your mental performance, enhance your mood, give you healthy choices as far as things to put into your body, and strength and conditioning equipment. | ||
| We sell kettlebells and steel maces and ab wheels. | ||
| Medicine balls, all these different things like weight vests, things that really enhance functional strength. | ||
| If you've never done kettlebells before, there's a fantastic series of videos that are available at Onnit.com. | ||
| And if you've done it a few times and you understand the form, the best one is... | ||
| Keith Weber's Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workouts. | ||
| They're fantastic. | ||
| There's a lot of kettlebell DVDs that'll show you how to do the individual exercises, but they don't do the workout with you and make you keep up with them. | ||
| I just actually have been going back and forth with Keith Weber, so he's going to be on the podcast in October. | ||
| I'm very excited about that. | ||
| I really want to talk to him because his workout DVDs are, like I said, my favorite. | ||
| If you're thinking about doing anything like this, please start slow. | ||
| If you've never worked out and you smoke cigarettes and you're always drunk, do me a favor. | ||
| Please start slow. | ||
| Don't be dropping a fucking big 72-pound gorilla kettlebell in your head because you're getting crazy and you're trying to do it all in one day. | ||
| It takes time. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Use the code WORDROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| And this just in, we just got in, and we're drinking it now. | ||
| Onnit Caveman Coffee. | ||
| This is, our friend Keith Jardine and Tate have created this company called Caveman Coffee because they're both fucking cavemen. | ||
| And they have a relationship with a guy who grows coffee in Colombia. | ||
| His family grows coffee and they go direct to. | ||
| It's a single source farm. | ||
| So it's kind of interesting. | ||
| Just by happenstance, because Tate is a big coffee fanatic. | ||
| Always has been. | ||
| That dude, ever since we met him, he wouldn't go anywhere without a venti Starbucks in his hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he quit alcohol and drugs and went right to coffee. | |
| Well, that happens, man. | ||
| Those dudes that are on the program, they're in like a 12-step program, they love their coffee. | ||
| Because it gives you a little bit of a buzz, but nobody has to get crazy. | ||
| And so you satisfy a little bit of those demons and keep everything cool. | ||
| You're giving yourself a little something-something, but it's not fucking you up. | ||
| So those guys love coffee. | ||
| It's very rare you see like an Alcoholics Anonymous dude who, although you're not anonymous if you tell everybody you're sober, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I wonder, do these people also move on to other things, like sniffing markers? | ||
| No, you can't do anything like that. | ||
| You're not supposed to do anything that's, you know, what would be the word for it? | ||
| Twisted? | ||
| You know, anything where you're feeding some demons of addiction. | ||
|
unidentified
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Isn't that what caffeine is, though, kind of? | |
| No, because all those guys are addicted to Red Bulls and coffees. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not markers. | ||
| That's not like huffing paint. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I guess. | |
| Which one's more dangerous? | ||
| Oh, without a doubt. | ||
|
unidentified
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Coffee is actually good for you. | |
| What about sniffing Play-Doh? | ||
| And people who deny this, listen, you have to read some articles on this. | ||
| It appears that coffee has a lot of functions, a lot of benefits. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's like every fucking thing else. | ||
| You can overdo it. | ||
| You can overdo it. | ||
| You could drink coffee all fucking day, every day, and just torture your adrenals. | ||
| Just jack your system. | ||
| Or you can have a little bit of it every day. | ||
| It gives you a stimulant effect. | ||
| On top of that, it's rich in antioxidants. | ||
| There's a lot of good things about coffee, believe it or not. | ||
| It's actually not bad for you. | ||
| We used to think it was bad for you. | ||
| What's bad for you is dehydration. | ||
| But if you drink coffee and you still drink water and keep yourself in order, just don't. | ||
| Don't get crazy, bitches. | ||
| Anyway, go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| We are also brought to you by NatureBox. | ||
| Oh, and Miss Pat is eating some NatureBox right now, and she can attest to the yumminess of this product. | ||
| These nuts are good. | ||
| They're very good. | ||
| Everything's good. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| And they natural nuts, too, so... | ||
| Mango, almond, pistachios, kapow! | ||
| These are lemon pluckers, pistachios. | ||
| Yeah, they're mango almond bites. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| I'm eating these. | ||
| These are fucking delicious. | ||
| But the best is shiracha cashews. | ||
| Nothing can fuck with them. | ||
| They're all gone. | ||
| I need to just have them send me boxes of shiracha cashews. | ||
|
unidentified
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If they're listening, can I have one request? | |
| I just want to order four packs of the cashews, but it won't let you. | ||
| It won't let you order four? | ||
| Yeah, like, I want to be able to, and it gives you, like, a stopping point where you can only order, like, three extra snacks, and then, like, you can only order a total of, I think it's, like, ten snacks. | ||
| We'll have to move into that, but let's not focus on negatives. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, no, I'm just saying, because I use my box so fast, I just want to order more. | |
| Yeah, well, order more boxes? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I don't know what to say. | ||
| I haven't noticed that. | ||
| That's fucked up, though. | ||
| You should be able to order like 50 boxes of just sriracha cashews only. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, and I want it once a week. | |
| Can I have it once a week? | ||
| It won't do it once a week? | ||
| Unless it's really confusing to do that, you think they would want to add it. | ||
| You gotta check this before you say it in an ad that you can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I've tried it a million times. | |
| They won't let you order one a week. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Why do I have a feeling that we're going to find out it's really easy to order one a week? | ||
|
unidentified
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It might be, but I've tried. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Somebody trying to keep it from being fat. | ||
| Anyway, is very good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Maybe they love you. | |
| It's really good. | ||
| The problem is that you can't get enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Mine goes through in three days, and that's with the total addition. | ||
| You should go to a supermarket and get actual food, you fuckhead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been actually living off of this. | |
| You can't. | ||
| There's not enough calories. | ||
| You need more, otherwise you go retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
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Big cheddar potato fries. | |
| That might be what your problem is, man. | ||
| You're just not getting enough nutrients. | ||
|
unidentified
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I just can't leave the house. | |
| That too. | ||
| Anyway, they're delicious. | ||
| Zero trans fats. | ||
| Zero high fructose corn syrup. | ||
| And you can get snacks that are low in sugar, non-GMO, and without gluten. | ||
| And they ship for free. | ||
| It's good shit, man. | ||
| It's really good stuff. | ||
| Peanut butter and nom-noms are really good. | ||
| You ever have those? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Baked sweet potato fries. | ||
| A lot of healthy choices, too. | ||
| A lot of choices where you don't feel bad eating them at all. | ||
| And it's so much better than the shit that you're going to get from any vending machine, period. | ||
| So if you keep them at work, it's a fantastic option. | ||
| You know, you'll always have healthy snacks. | ||
| And they deliver them to you. | ||
| So if you're like Brian and you don't like leaving the house, they just bring them to you. | ||
| And if you go to naturebox.com right now, you're going to get 50% off your first box. | ||
| Just go to naturebox.com slash junk. | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| So naturebox.com slash Rogan. | ||
| And you'll get 50% off your month's first box. | ||
| Stay full, stay strong, my friends. | ||
| Go to naturebox.com slash Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
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Chili lime pistachios. | |
| Oh, those are good, too. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's so good. | |
| But I tell you what, I have a grievance with them, too, then. | ||
| Because there's a supermarket near my house that sells pistachios out of the shelves. | ||
| And once you eat pistachios out of the shells, you're like, why are you giving me these stupid fucking shells and pretending this is a big bag of pistachios? | ||
| No, this is a big bag of shit I can't eat that you expect me to take out before I eat. | ||
| How about you just give me the fucking pistachios? | ||
|
unidentified
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I have shells all over my bed. | |
| The shells is because you're supposed to suck the nuts. | ||
| Suck it before you eat it? | ||
| It's overrated. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's like a crawfish. | |
| But it's really good. | ||
| I've been sucking on these. | ||
| Those are good. | ||
| Those are delicious. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'll take them over nothing. | ||
| However, the best option is when they're already out of the shell. | ||
| Then you just eat the shit out of them. | ||
| You can't believe how many pistachios you get in your fucking face. | ||
| They cause more. | ||
| Yeah, they definitely cost more. | ||
| But it's just, it's one of those things that we've just become accustomed to. | ||
| It's stupid that you've got a shell on that. | ||
| The shell's not helping anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nature Bucks should have a nature bucket of just these roasted, like sriracha, roasted cashews. | |
| I will pay $40 a month if I get a bucket of these. | ||
| Like a Kentucky Fried Chicken-sized bucket? | ||
|
unidentified
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Nature bucket. | |
| Anyway, NatureBox.com slash Rogan. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Enjoy. | ||
| And last and finally, we're brought to you by Stamps.com. | ||
| Stamps.com is another awesome way to stay inside your house. | ||
| That's what we're promoting, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Essentially, we just want you to stay home. | ||
| And consume internet content and lose your fucking mind. | ||
| But if you go to stamps.com and click on the microphone and enter in the code word JRE, you will get a $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 worth of free postage. | ||
| What Stamps.com is is a way where you can print from your own computer U.S. postage. | ||
| The real deal. | ||
| You never have to go to a post office again. | ||
| If you have your own business like Brian does at deskwad.tv where he sells all those cool kitty cat t-shirts and now hats. | ||
| See those hats? | ||
| All kinds of groovy shit. | ||
| Hoodies, right? | ||
| You have hoodies now? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I was up till 5am shipping these from Stamps.com. | |
| Yeah, he really does have a legit job with Stamps.com. | ||
| And what they do is, you know, they have it so that you do everything on your computer, you print it up with your printer, you slap those babies on your boxes, and you send them out. | ||
| How much easier is it than going to the supermarket? | ||
|
unidentified
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So easy. | |
| I couldn't even fit it in my car, what I have to do. | ||
| I would have to take four trips to the post office now. | ||
| I could just do it on stamps.com, then have the mailman just pick it up. | ||
| If you were less, or if you were just slightly more organized, you could have an actual business with all these shirts. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You have to do it by yourself, and it's almost like I'm watching one of those old-time wagon wheels going down a hill, and I'm like, yeah, it's rolling right now, but how long does it get to be before that fucking thing hits a rock? | ||
|
unidentified
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If you look at my house right now, because I moved all the merch to my house now, and I'm doing it all from my living room, it looks like I'm a psycho, and it looks like my bed is just fucking the pistachio shells, and in my living room it's just boxes, shirts, and like... | |
| Yeah, it's time to hire employees, man. | ||
| It's time to hire employees. | ||
| Take this shit to the next level. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Without Stamps.com, he would be dead. | ||
| There would be no time for him to eat, breathe, or drink water, and he would have died long ago. | ||
| But with Stamps.com, Brian has been able to maintain a healthy business. | ||
| Anyway, go to Stamps.com. | ||
| Again, enter in the code word JRE, and you will get a free digital scale and up to $55 worth of free postage. | ||
| If you have an idea in your head and you're thinking about starting a business... | ||
| If you actually do it, it will make your life infinitely better. | ||
| If you could figure out a way to get off the tit of whatever giant company you work for that doesn't give a fuck about you and replace you with somebody else in a heartbeat and figure out something you like to do, man. | ||
| Like if you like to make fucking corncob pipes or something. | ||
| If you like to... | ||
| You know, whatever you like to do. | ||
| There's a way that someone can sell things online that just didn't exist before. | ||
| And maybe it's just something you never considered, but brainstorm. | ||
| Seriously, brainstorm. | ||
| Come up with a business you could start yourself. | ||
| You could do it with Squarespace and Stamps.com and you would be just set. | ||
| You could actually work for yourself. | ||
| And you'll get to a point where you'll feel comfortable enough to quit that janky-ass fucking job that's been weighing down your soul. | ||
|
unidentified
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And it doesn't even have to be a job. | |
| One of the weirdest things is that I never used the post office because it was such a pain in the ass to send my family shit back home or my friends and stuff. | ||
| You just have to put shit in a box and it costs like $8 for them to get it in two days and they come and pick it up at your front door. | ||
| So now I'm just sending shit all the time to friends and stuff just because it's seriously super cheap. | ||
| Like, oh hey, have some shit. | ||
| Hey, here's this. | ||
| Remember this? | ||
| Yeah, you get a lot of swag, right? | ||
| Aren't you always getting things? | ||
| I'm always getting t-shirts that I'm not going to wear and books that I'm not going to read. | ||
|
unidentified
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Exactly. | |
| Yeah, it's cool if you could share that shit. | ||
| To be able to do it through stamps.com. | ||
| Look, the idea of the post office or any company that sends you things is ridiculous. | ||
| You're going to give you someone, how much? | ||
| I've got to give you 80 bucks and you're going to take some shit that weighs 20 pounds across the country? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Like, people used to complain about stamps when a stamp was like 35 cents. | ||
| You know, they went up to 35 cents. | ||
| Fucking 35 cents! | ||
| Someone's going to take your letter and they're going to bring it to another part of the world. | ||
| Like, that's amazing. | ||
| They're going to take it to the other side of the continent and it only costs 35 cents. | ||
| And you're whining? | ||
| You fucking lazy, spoiled bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love the future. | ||
| Shit like this is a great example of a website taking something that sucked and making it so much better and so much easier to where you can take advantage of the USPS for sending stuff to your parents for cheap and not having to deal with taking it to the post office, waiting in line to where it becomes a chore. | ||
| Yeah, we have a bunch of our friends who use it. | ||
| Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky use Stamps.com. | ||
| Burt uses it. | ||
| Kreischer uses it for Burt, Burt, Burt, all his shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Burtsquirt.com. | |
| Yeah, does Joey use it for his stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
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Probably. | |
| Anyway, Stamps.com. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Get your freak on. | ||
| Use the code word JRE. Save them some money and enjoy a nice product. | ||
| Alright, Miss Pat is here. | ||
| Why fuck around, Brian? | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
| Don't fuck with Nick Diaz's voice today. | ||
| Very big special answer. | ||
|
unidentified
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Check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Don't want to fuck with his voice. | ||
| He just signed to fight Anderson Silva. | ||
| Miss Pat. | ||
| Now, if I did not have you on this podcast, I would have never heard the end of it. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| I don't know what you've done in those other podcasts, but all I keep hearing is, dude, you got to get Miss Pat. | ||
| You got to get Miss Pat. | ||
| Like more than any recent comedian I could think of in like the past two years. | ||
| People have been trying to get you. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They just love me. | ||
| What are you doing to these people? | ||
| Why don't you white guys like a big old black lady? | ||
| I guess they think I'm their nanny and shit. | ||
| Well, what I keep hearing is a comparison to you, my favorite person ever, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Everybody keeps saying that you're a female Joey Diaz, which is, there's no better description for a comedian that exists in my estimation. | ||
| Well, that's true. | ||
| I mean, we shaped alike. | ||
| Both our daddy left us, so we, he's similar, yeah. | ||
| And you both don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about shit. | ||
| Life is too short to give a fuck. | ||
| It is too short. | ||
| I got four kids and two abortions. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can't keep them all. | ||
| Yeah, you can't keep them all. | ||
| There's times to do things and times not. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Abortions, it's a hot topic. | ||
| That's a fucking, it takes the air out of the room. | ||
| Did you feel that? | ||
| Did that scare you guys? | ||
|
unidentified
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Not you guys. | |
| Y'all spoken reefer early. | ||
| Hey, how dare you? | ||
| How dare you implicate us in illegal drug use? | ||
| Hey, I'm going to have all the soccer moms writing me. | ||
| How dare you, bitch? | ||
| That was 20 years ago. | ||
| Call Jesus. | ||
| Don't call me. | ||
| Leave me the fuck alone. | ||
| They wouldn't say how dare you. | ||
| If you were white, they might. | ||
| A lot of those Republican soccer moms are really anti-abortion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never see black people outside of abortion clinic. | ||
| They'd be like, girlfriend, I feel you. | ||
| I feel you. | ||
| My appointment next week, bitch. | ||
| There's a weird vacancy to their eyes if you ever go to, like, or watch a documentary on those people. | ||
| Like, I've seen those people. | ||
| There was a Planned Parenthood, I think it was, in Boston. | ||
| And I remember seeing these people outside of it. | ||
| And you would drive by and they would hold up pictures of, like, dead babies and stuff. | ||
| And they harass women as they're going in. | ||
| They, like, show them these pictures. | ||
| But when they come out, nobody is out there. | ||
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| Everybody's gone. | ||
| Yeah, why is that? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| They probably know when the time, when the arrivals are. | ||
| Nobody was out there when I went. | ||
| No? | ||
| They're not going to protest in the head. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about those babies. | ||
| So, you don't have that problem. | ||
| You just have the problem getting the daddy, they drop you off. | ||
| Because he don't want to be a part of it. | ||
| Abortion's a tricky subject, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Because it's like, at what point in time should it be okay? | ||
| Like, everybody kind of agrees. | ||
| I think it's your choice. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I always say, this is my pussy. | ||
| I'll do what I want. | ||
| I say to her, too, but nobody listens. | ||
| They don't even believe me. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can do whatever you want. | ||
| Who is Congress to tell you what to do with yourself? | ||
| Yeah, no one can tell you. | ||
| Yeah, because once you have it, you can't take it. | ||
| I had two kids when I was 15. What the fuck was you doing, Congress? | ||
| You had two kids by the time you were 15? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Two kids. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I didn't have a fucking childhood. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I don't know how I made it. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, you obviously made it. | ||
| You're okay. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Yeah, but I went through a lot of shit to get funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It wasn't funny when I was having them. | ||
| Yeah, I can only imagine. | ||
| How old were you when you had your first kid? | ||
| I was 14 when I had my first kid by a married man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, boy. | |
| I met him when I was 12 and he was 22. Whoa. | ||
| So we started dating. | ||
| I was in elementary school. | ||
| Oh my God, 12. I had a really nice body. | ||
| I was fuckable. | ||
| I might not be fuckable today, Joe, but I was fuckable back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When did you start fucking? | |
| Wow. | ||
| 12. He was the first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was the first one. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He was the first one. | ||
| You got a baby with him. | ||
| And you had a baby when you were 14. Wow. | ||
| Two babies. | ||
| And then I got pregnant again and gave birth when I was 15. Oh my goodness. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That is a crazy... | ||
| You never met a teenage mom? | ||
| Oh, I've met a teenage mom too. | ||
| Well, I'm an old teenage mom now. | ||
| I used to be a teenage mom. | ||
| It's hard for someone who has children, especially someone who has daughters. | ||
| I got two daughters too. | ||
| They didn't have any kids. | ||
| They didn't have the life. | ||
| I didn't play that shit. | ||
| What do they feel like when they hear your story? | ||
| That's got to be hard. | ||
| I mean, I guess you'd have to ask them, but that has to be crazy to hear that your mom went through that. | ||
| Well, my daughter was there. | ||
| You know, she was there because I got pregnant at 14 and I had a brother. | ||
| Then I couldn't get a job. | ||
| I started selling drugs. | ||
| So she was there through everything. | ||
| I mean, I think I'm her hero. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So after I got married and I straightened everything out, you know, she had a better life. | ||
| You know, that's one of those situations where people that have that attitude, like, that everybody on welfare is just lazy, like, that people don't need help, that they need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. | ||
| Like, stories like that, man, you gotta shut the fuck up, right? | ||
| Well, it's statistics. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| When you're dealing, when you... | ||
| Like, I grew up in the ghetto. | ||
| My mom was on welfare. | ||
| Her mom was on welfare. | ||
| So, people... | ||
| I tell a story about welfare is like diabetes. | ||
| If the mama get it, there's a good chance the daughter might get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you teach. | ||
| I mean, she taught me how to do this shit. | ||
| And I just said, I don't want my daughter to go through this bullshit. | ||
| I don't want my daughter to be a teenage mom and, you know, drop out of high school. | ||
| My daughter's the first one to graduate high school in three generations and the first one to ever go to college in my family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I was determined you are not going to end up like I ended up. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That, to me, is the greatest form of success ever. | ||
| If you can learn from your own mistakes, impart your life's wisdom on your children, and then your children go on to take the ball and carry it and run it further and do what you just said. | ||
| Become the first person to go to college. | ||
| Become the first person to graduate high school in many generations. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| That's an amazing thing. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| I mean, I worked hard for that shit because, I mean, I didn't graduate. | ||
| Nobody else. | ||
| I had nobody to look up to. | ||
| I just know. | ||
| I was like, my daughter would not go through this bullshit that I went through in life. | ||
| And I had a son, too. | ||
| So he graduated, too. | ||
| But nobody else. | ||
| I mean, I had a niece. | ||
| Because I had custody of my sister for a kid. | ||
| So her oldest daughter graduated because they're the same age right after my daughter did. | ||
| But nobody else. | ||
| Everybody just keep having babies and dropping out. | ||
| It's a fucking, what do you call it? | ||
| Epidemic. | ||
| Yeah, you know, it's just keep passing it down. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's definitely kids, everybody learns from their atmosphere. | ||
| That's why I always tell people, if you can, surround yourself with people that are trying to get their shit together. | ||
| and it will help you get your shit together because you force yourself to the standard of the people that you're around. | ||
| If you're around a bunch of people that are real friendly, you're more likely to be friendly. | ||
| If you're around a bunch of people that will go out of their way to help people, you're more likely to go out of their way to help people. | ||
| And that's what I did. | ||
| I started to surround myself. | ||
| I said, for me to do better, I need somebody I can learn from because I didn't learn shit from my mama. | ||
| My mama stayed drunk all the time. | ||
| And I was raised in a bootleg house, so all I saw was drunk people just bullshit all my life. | ||
| So I started to pick my girlfriends. | ||
| If you didn't have a college degree, a high school diploma, you couldn't be my fucking friend because I have a bunch of stupid ass relatives. | ||
| I needed somebody I could learn from, you know, just to put a correct sentence together, all that bullshit because I was dropped out of school in the eighth grade. | ||
| So I needed to surround myself around better people. | ||
| So all my girlfriends got college degrees and they married. | ||
| That's amazing though that you figured that out. | ||
| How old were you when you decided to have these really high standards? | ||
| Probably about 17 when things were winding down from being in a bad relationship with my kid's father. | ||
| I started dating him and I think what I was looking for was just somebody to love me because I didn't have a fucking father. | ||
| So I think I was just saying, I need somebody to love me. | ||
| So I get involved with this guy who become very abusive, who shoots me, who beats me. | ||
| And then I'm thinking, you know, because I was taught this. | ||
| My mama said, if a man don't hit you, he don't love you. | ||
| She said that? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And he hit me with a roller skate one night. | ||
| Why is that funny, brother? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like the worst advice I've ever heard. | |
| Well, my mama gave me a lot of fucked up advice that I realize now it was fucked up advice, but it was passed down to her. | ||
| So she was like, if a man don't hit you, he don't love you. | ||
| So my baby daddy hit me with a roller skate one night because it's food. | ||
| Love the roller skate. | ||
| And that fucking skate shook my skull. | ||
| And I said to myself, this love bitch I can do without it. | ||
| I bowed up my fist and I knocked that motherfucker in the back seat. | ||
| And I started to fight back from that day on. | ||
| He hit you with a roller skate? | ||
| He hit me. | ||
| He shot me in the back of the head. | ||
| He hit me with a bunch of shit. | ||
| What did he shoot you with? | ||
| A.38. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Where did it hit you? | ||
| It cracked the back of my skull. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| It just grazed you? | ||
| No, I went in a good little bit, but it was fucked up. | ||
| They was like, I can't believe you're not dead. | ||
| So I was in the hospital. | ||
| I get better and I call him. | ||
| It's like, oh, you love me. | ||
| Come get me. | ||
| That's how fucking stupid I was. | ||
| He wasn't in jail? | ||
| You didn't call the cops on him? | ||
| No, I wouldn't tell. | ||
| I was in love. | ||
| Because my mama said, if my mama don't slap you a couple times, he don't love you. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So if he shoots you, oh my God, that's real fucking love. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He was trying to kill you. | ||
| Well, he say he wasn't. | ||
| Oh, he's just that good at aim. | ||
| You know how fucking good at aim you have to be to shoot someone in the head and not kill? | ||
| And I was 15. Oh, my God. | ||
| He shot you in the head when you were 15. Holy shit. | ||
| Then I turn around and get shot again in the titty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Who shot you in the breast? | ||
| A fucking fool in a drive-by. | ||
| I blew my nipple off. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Where were you sitting when this happened? | ||
| No, we was arguing. | ||
| We had an argument, so I put my piss in his face because I was a drug dealer. | ||
| I was like, get the fuck out of here before I shoot you. | ||
| But I'm just 15 with a gun. | ||
| I didn't know you wasn't supposed to pull a gun unless you're going to shoot a motherfucker. | ||
| So he come back with a.45 and started fucking popping. | ||
| So I started running and one of the.45s hit me up under the arm and blew my whole fucking titty apart. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| It was like stepping on a line. | ||
| And you were 15? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you were 15 with two kids and you got shot in a titty. | ||
| My daughter was with me when he shot me. | ||
| She sure was. | ||
| She was with me. | ||
| And when they came to get me, she was like, the police like, well, what happened, Rabbit? | ||
| Because that was my drug dealer name. | ||
| And I didn't really want to tell because I was like, we're going to kill this motherfucker. | ||
| My daughter yelled out, well, Monk shot. | ||
| My mama put a pistol in Monk's face, so he came back and shot. | ||
| I'm like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're going to get me arrested? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you were 15 and how old was your daughter then? | ||
| She was 2? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's 2. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's traumatized. | |
| She knew everything. | ||
| She knew every fucking thing. | ||
| She still remembers to this day. | ||
| That is an insane environment to grow up in. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Mom's a 15-year-old drug dealer who got shot in the titty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a drive-by. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you saw mom with dope and money like crazy every day. | ||
| Did you get arrested? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You always get arrested. | ||
| Always? | ||
| Always. | ||
| There's no beating it. | ||
| They wait till you earn enough money so they can take it. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Yeah, I did a year in prison for it. | ||
| because I miss my daughter going to kindergarten and you can't get that shit back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I was just trying to survive. | ||
| Honestly, I was just trying to survive. | ||
| Well, I couldn't imagine how anybody would function. | ||
| Just being 14, having to fend for yourself, having kids, like what? | ||
| You can't, it's hard to fault anybody. | ||
| because I was 15 and I needed a work permit. | ||
| So a lot of times I would just show up on a fucking interview and they was like, And I was like, meet Ashlyn Nikhil. | ||
| I need a fucking job. | ||
| I got two kids. | ||
| They were like, you're supposed to be in school. | ||
| That's here and there. | ||
| I got two fucking kids to fend for. | ||
| So at that time, crack had just hit the black community really hard. | ||
| So I started to sell crack because everybody was getting on it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you take it? | ||
| I never did drugs. | ||
| I grew up watching my mama as an alcoholic. | ||
| So everything my mama did, I said I wouldn't do. | ||
| She smoked cigarettes. | ||
| She drank. | ||
| She did whatever. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going to end up like you motherfuckers. | ||
| I think y'all stole me. | ||
| Well, you were the end of the line, you know? | ||
| I mean, that's what it looks like. | ||
| I mean, it looks like you're the one who figured it out and then you're imparting that onto your kids. | ||
| But the end of the line, like sometimes enough is enough. | ||
| Enough is enough. | ||
| Your own genetics were like, stop, cut the bullshit, let's reset this whole thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Especially when I had kids. | ||
| I was like, my kids can't grow around this bullshit. | ||
| How'd you start doing stand-up? | ||
| I went to the welfare office to get my food stamps and welfare recertified. | ||
| So you like get a white caseworker and I tell her, oh, I had such a hard life. | ||
| I've been shot. | ||
| I've been this. | ||
| I've been that. | ||
| And you know, white caseworker. | ||
| Once I tell these stories into detail, white women, they're so easy to make cry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| So this bitch will give me a few extra bumps and tell me what was going on free. | ||
| So one day I go in and I got this black caseworker. | ||
| So I said, oh, this bitch is going to be hard because, you know, you think all black people is from the ghetto. | ||
| So I started telling her these stories and this bitch bust out laughing. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck are you laughing at? | ||
| She was like, you should be a comedian. | ||
| This shit is hilarious. | ||
| You ever heard of Richard Pryor? | ||
| These are Richard Pryor stories. | ||
| I was like, I didn't come in for no fucking job. | ||
| I came for free shit. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You didn't want a job. | ||
| No, I was on welfare. | ||
| I mean, at the time, I was trying to get my life back together. | ||
| So, you know, I'm just home. | ||
| I had a free house because I had Section A. I had my sister, four kids. | ||
| So I had a total of six kids and a husband who was working. | ||
| And I was like, you know, this is how I grew up. | ||
| Motherfucker standing at home watching The Young and the Restless. | ||
| So you didn't even start to think about doing stand-up until this lady brought that up? | ||
| Well, she the first one to kind of put it in my ear, yeah. | ||
| I never thought this shit was funny. | ||
| It was pain. | ||
| See, I mean, you know, when I tell these stories, I had to get over them. | ||
| So you gotta forgive. | ||
| And then you gotta, you know, you gotta let everything go. | ||
| So it doesn't bother you to tell it on stage. | ||
| I can laugh about it now. | ||
| You know, people look at me having, you know, sleeping with a married man. | ||
| I'm 12 and he's 22. That's fucking child molestation. | ||
| But how do you deal with it? | ||
| So I deal with it. | ||
| I laugh about it. | ||
| I'm turning all that. | ||
| And I used to be pissed off at this dude because he took my fucking childhood. | ||
| I mean, think about it. | ||
| I was a mom at 14. That's crazy. | ||
| I got a 16-year-old daughter that all she do is fucking play with her iPad. | ||
| Just doing what a 16-year-old's supposed to do. | ||
| I never had that opportunity. | ||
| I never had an opportunity to be a little girl. | ||
| It's overrated, because if it was awesome, you'd be doing that shit right now. | ||
| I mean, think about it. | ||
| Everybody says, I wish I was seven again. | ||
| I was retarded when I was seven. | ||
| I'd be playing with mutant ninja turtles and pretending helicopters are real, little plastic helicopters. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| That's stupid shit. | ||
| I'm glad. | ||
| Well, but it's stuff that you need. | ||
| It's stuff you fucking need. | ||
| No, you're not, Joe. | ||
| You don't want nobody to steal your daughter's childhood. | ||
| I'm only kidding. | ||
| No, I'm only kidding. | ||
| Fucking be drop-kicking the shit out of that old nigga. | ||
| Get your old ass away from here. | ||
| You ain't getting no pussy. | ||
| You better fuck this cat. | ||
| What is it about a guy that would want to do that? | ||
| That's what's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| What you were talking about, like the whole patterns, you know, like your family falls into a pattern. | ||
| I bet they're in the same sort of patterns too. | ||
| I learned, because I'm writing a one-woman show for my life, and I learned that my daddy got my mama young like that. | ||
| My mama had six kids by the time she was 22. So it's just passing it down. | ||
| Yeah, it's so common that that happens. | ||
| On both sides, you know? | ||
| I mean, maybe your husband or the man who got you pregnant. | ||
| That is not my fucking husband. | ||
| I meant the dude. | ||
| Baby dad. | ||
| Whatever he was at the time. | ||
| He was never your husband at any point in time. | ||
| No, he was married. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Well, whoever he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, guys, Facebook friends? | |
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never mind. | |
| I bet, you know, in his life, I bet that was probably common, too. | ||
| You know, I bet that kind of fucked up behavior was normal. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because, I mean, if you look at it, it's child molestation. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| To me, he's a fucking molester. | ||
| You know, we learned later on he did other shit. | ||
| But, I mean, to fuck a 12-year-old? | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| And to show up at the hospital and sign both kids' birth certificate, nobody question your old ass. | ||
| That's crazy, too. | ||
| That is the most gross shit out of all of this. | ||
| I cannot look at my kid's birth certificate. | ||
| Because on there, I'm 14 and he's 22. And my daughter went to get her birth certificate because she was going on a cruise. | ||
| And she was like, oh my God, look, this is nasty. | ||
| I was like, bitch, put that away. | ||
| I didn't say bitch, but I was like, put that shit away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put that shit away. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's a sickness. | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| And it's a sickness of the mind. | ||
| And apparently, when it gets done to them, it's more likely that they're going to do it to somebody else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know, he never thought he did anything wrong. | ||
| Because I asked him, I was like, you know, I'm in my 40s now. | ||
| You actually took my childhood, and he was like, your mind and body wasn't 12. What the fuck are you talking about, my mind and body? | ||
| Because I had a big booty that was round, and my titties set up like apples. | ||
| Oh, I had a come fuck me sign on my forehead? | ||
| Well, that's his way of excusing his behavior. | ||
| He got horny when he was around you, so he felt like your body and mind. | ||
| But, you know, when you describe it... | ||
| See, how is a man supposed to decipher that if he's a dumb dude at 22, you know? | ||
| He's not going to decipher that. | ||
| No, he just wants to fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| And it's such an overwhelming urge. | ||
| Unless you have someone around you constantly imparting morals and ethics and growing you the right way, we grow up like animals. | ||
| We have instincts, you know, these animal instincts, horny instincts. | ||
| They overcome any idea of guilt or remorse. | ||
| And so that's his way of rationalizing it. | ||
| I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your body and mind weren't 14. Well, my body truly wasn't 14. I was fine as fuck. | |
| But see? | ||
| I'm not excusing him. | ||
| I'm not excusing him, but... | ||
| I'm assuming he's a dumb dude, right? | ||
| He's dumb as fuck. | ||
| He works at Jiffy Loops now. | ||
| Nothing wrong with people working at Jiffy Loops, but I hear you. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's hard to get your shit together, you know, but you getting your shit together in your situation, that's more impressive than anybody, any normal person in any other situation. | ||
| Because your situation sounds so fucking crazy that for you to go full circle from that to being a working professional comedian... | ||
| Paying taxes. | ||
| Yeah, the whole deal. | ||
| Voting. | ||
| And on top of that, the most important thing, seeing your kids grow up in a completely different way. | ||
| I tell my kids all the time, you don't know how fucking good you have it. | ||
| Especially my second, two by my husband. | ||
| You know, we live in the suburbs and they don't know shit. | ||
| They don't hear gunfire. | ||
| I never had to put drugs in their pampers and haul the dope and sell drugs in front of their schools. | ||
| I never had to do none of that shit to them. | ||
| So I was like, you don't know how fucking good you got it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people don't you know that's what that old expression you know that Or the old thought rather that one day there's gonna come a point in time when the apocalypse comes and then Civilization is gonna crumble the apocalypse is already here. | ||
| It's just not in your neighborhood Like there's spots in the world where you can go to right now where you might as well be in Mad Max, right? | ||
| There's how about Liberia? | ||
| You hear this shit, man? | ||
| They're fucking closing the borders of Liberia because Ebola's breaking out, and people who had it, they escaped from the hospital. | ||
| These fucking people escaped from quarantine. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They don't know where they're going. | ||
| It's a city of a million people. | ||
| Wasn't there somebody here in Los Angeles that just escaped from the hospital also with some kind of really contagious disease, and they were like, he has a warrant for his arrest right now because he just left the hospital? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it. | |
| Google it. | ||
| Did he take the cure with him? | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| That was that movie, The Strain. | ||
| I think you were probably stoned and you were watching The Strain. | ||
| That TV show? | ||
| That FX show? | ||
| Have you seen The Strain? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a good fucking show, man. | ||
| I read the book and I didn't like it. | ||
| I liked it for three quarters of the way, but the last quarter was kind of whack and I decided that that's not enough. | ||
| You know, three quarters is really good and then one quarter of the book sucks. | ||
| I can't recommend it, but as a show, it's awesome. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| I think that's what they meant to do when they made The Strain in the first place. | ||
| They meant to make it as a miniseries. | ||
| And they wrote it as a book. | ||
| But that's how it takes place. | ||
| It takes place a disease, there's a quarantine, and these people get out, and then everyone's fucked. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| It sounds like the ghetto to me, but I'm just going to listen to you. | ||
| We're talking about the apocalypse. | ||
| We're talking about terrible situations. | ||
| If your life, like when you were getting shot in the tit and you were 15, you had your baby with you and you drug dealing and all that, if you forced some white woman in her 40s into that situation, she would be... | ||
| Lose our fucking mind. | ||
| That would be the apocalypse. | ||
| That would be the apocalypse for her. | ||
| I have to sell crack? | ||
| What? | ||
| Someone shot my tit off? | ||
| What? | ||
| I can't do this! | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that would be just like the apocalypse. | ||
| There'd be no difference. | ||
| Yes, it would be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found it. | |
| It was actually in North Hollywood. | ||
| It was a guy with tuberculosis. | ||
| Tuberculosis? | ||
| Is that super contagious? | ||
| If it get bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's something that, like, if you start sneezing, it's airborne. | |
| It's airborne. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I think they arrested him. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, but they could treat tuberculosis, right? | ||
| That's not scaring me like Ebola. | ||
| Ebola is a hemorrhagic virus, which means you bleed. | ||
| You bleed everywhere. | ||
| Like, your eyeballs bleed, your fucking skin falls apart. | ||
| Like, Ebola is rough business. | ||
| That's no joke. | ||
| Those hemorrhagic viruses... | ||
| When I did that sci-fi show, Questions Everything, the real issue that was scary on that show was talking about infectious diseases. | ||
| And they were talking about, you know, everybody's worried that there'll be some terrorists and they'll release some anthrax and everybody'll get fucked. | ||
| They're like, listen, what nature makes, the stuff that nature's making... | ||
| That is way scarier than any fucking shit that anybody's cooking up in a lab. | ||
| Because at any given point in time, nature can make some insane virus that no one can fix. | ||
| At any point in time, these two viruses can interact with each other and create some mutant, and they're constantly changing and growing. | ||
| And they're constantly avoiding the attack by antibiotics and antiviral drugs. | ||
| So they're strengthening and getting stronger and finding new trickier ways to get into people's bodies. | ||
| You scare me. | ||
| Can we just stick the gun around? | ||
| This guy scared the fuck out of me. | ||
| He scared the fuck out of me. | ||
| One of these dudes was a Russian cat who told me that when the Cold War was going on, they had trenches filled with anthrax. | ||
| Trenches. | ||
| And I go, well, how many people would that kill? | ||
| He said, every person on the planet. | ||
| Every single person. | ||
| I said, there's enough anthrax to kill every person. | ||
| He goes, absolutely. | ||
| No question about it. | ||
| There's enough anthrax that they had that could kill everybody. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| How much anthrax is there? | ||
| Like, it only takes like a little bit to kill you. | ||
| Like, anthrax is a motherfucker. | ||
| And this idea was that they were going to figure out some sort of an airborne dispersion method. | ||
| And even the government even tested, like, there was something, I think it was in Cleveland, I forget the city, but they sprayed some shit over the city, like phosphorescent, like something that they could track. | ||
| They're like, essentially what the chemtrail people think is going on, you know, like they actually did it. | ||
| And they did it from the top of a building. | ||
| They sprayed it or something like that. | ||
| Because they were trying to figure out how much of a containment period, how much of an area would they have to contain, you know, if a disease got out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| That's how goofy people are. | ||
| They were thinking about, like, actually just so indiscriminately, just letting a disease go out. | ||
| Like, that was an option. | ||
| Like, a disease that would kill the entire population. | ||
| Not just the soldiers. | ||
| Not just the people that were, you know, the politicians who were causing the war in the first place. | ||
| No. | ||
| The entire population with a virus. | ||
| A virus that would make your fucking eyeballs bleed out. | ||
| I think you just scared the shit out of us. | ||
| We should be scared. | ||
| I think we should be scared. | ||
| You know why I think we should be scared? | ||
| Because, look, if the world was just us, we would work everything out, you know? | ||
| I couldn't imagine going to war with you, Miss Pat. | ||
| You seem like a very nice person. | ||
| I don't think I could whoop your ass, Joe. | ||
| But I don't mean it like that. | ||
| I mean, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If you had a country that you owned and I had a country that I owned, I think we could come to some reasonable terms. | ||
| I don't think it would be an issue. | ||
| But when you see shit like what's going on in Israel today... | ||
| You see these, you know, Israel's got, they've got all their military troops there, and everyone's launching rockets, and it's just horrifying, man. | ||
| You're seeing babies that are dead on the beach, these photos. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain tweeted some photo the other day. | ||
| It was horrifying. | ||
| Like, if that can happen over there, that can happen right fucking here. | ||
| I mean, it's contained while it's over there, and our idea is that, well, if it's out of there, it's out of our mind. | ||
| But that shit's going on right now in 2014. And it could just as easily happen in New York or in Pittsburgh or anywhere. | ||
| Anywhere. | ||
| Just pick a city. | ||
| London. | ||
| That can happen in London. | ||
| Crazy shit can go down like that any part of the world if you've got enough people that disagree and they're highly armed and they have religious ideas attached to what they're doing. | ||
| You've got a terrifying situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how we're living right now in 2014. I saw the worst video over the weekend on Facebook. | |
| For some reason Facebook has the worst videos now. | ||
| People are posting on their lines. | ||
| But one is this Israeli family that captured a child from Palestine. | ||
| And this kid was probably like five or six. | ||
| And they were teaching their daughter, who is Jewish, I guess, or whatever, Israelian, to beat the kid with a bat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so the kid's like crying, like, please stop! | |
| You know, this little five-year-old. | ||
| And this little six-year-old's hitting it with a bat. | ||
| And she wouldn't, she didn't want to hit it hard. | ||
| You know, so she's just barely hitting it. | ||
| And this other kid that's a little older comes up, no, there's no, hit him! | ||
| And just like starts punching this little kid in the face. | ||
| Because the kid's Palestinian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They, like, captured somebody, and they're just beating this kid up. | ||
| Like, the whole family. | ||
| Like, the kids and everyone. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Can we go back to the ghetto? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, the ghetto's way better. | ||
| Eddie Bravo and I, we watched that movie once. | ||
| What is that fucking movie? | ||
| It's a Brazilian movie about the ghetto. | ||
| Oh, Children of God. | ||
| City of God? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, City of God. | |
| City of God. | ||
| It's a fucking crime. | ||
| Crazy movie. | ||
| You ever seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| God damn, Miss Pat, you gotta see City of God. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's really, really, really fucking good. | ||
| But it's all about the favelas of Brazil and how the violence there is just on a completely different level. | ||
| First of all, these houses are essentially like, a lot of them are almost like they're camping out. | ||
| They don't have windows. | ||
| They don't have running water. | ||
| They have dirt floors in some of them. | ||
| Some of them, they can range in ghetto to incredibly poor. | ||
| Essentially, you live In the woods. | ||
| You just have a shelter around. | ||
| It's not much different than that. | ||
| And these young kid drug dealers, just unbelievably violent and ruthless. | ||
| The whole movie is just so crazy. | ||
| More people die in the first five minutes of that movie than the entire Boys in the Hood. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, like, quickly. | ||
| Like, more people die, maybe in the first five minutes. | ||
| But it's a good fucking movie, too. | ||
| And it's based on a real scenario. | ||
| If you go to the ghettos of Brazil, like some of the worst poor neighborhoods where there's a lot of drug violence, that was what they were scared of when it came to the World Cup. | ||
| You know, there's really some horrifying shit can be going down there. | ||
| That's happening right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's always somebody that's got it worse. | ||
| That's how fucked up people are. | ||
| This is just a huge range of what we're capable of, you know? | ||
| So when people see fucked up shit that's going on in the news and they try to pretend it's not happening right now because it's on the other side of the world, it's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it's possible right now somewhere, it's possible here. | ||
| You know, just a bunch of things would have to go wrong, and it could be just as possible here. | ||
| Well, let's hope it don't make it here. | ||
| We just got to figure out a way to get better people to lead the world. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| That is the 100% solution for all of it. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of problems financially. | ||
| There's a lot of problems in this world as far as politically, the different sides. | ||
| Like, the argument, like, You know, I'm not a Republican by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe in some things that they think make sense. | ||
| I'm a big Democrat, but I do believe in a lot of stuff that they say. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think the Democrats, I like socially the attitude of the Democrats better. | ||
| I think it's a more progressive attitude as far as caring for people and looking out for people. | ||
| And sometimes people point down at that, and they accuse people of facilitating the welfare state. | ||
| And they have all these goofy ideas about what it is that keeps someone in a bad situation like that. | ||
| That's the number one problem that I have with right-wing people. | ||
| This pull-em-up-by-their-bootstraps mentality. | ||
| Because I'll meet someone like you. | ||
| And I go, what fucking bootstraps? | ||
| She's fucking I'm 14 years old and she's got a baby. | ||
| Two babies. | ||
| Yeah, another one when you're 15. You're telling me that she should be pulling herself up by her bootstraps? | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I don't know, other than what you did though, other than what you did personally, where you just realized that fucking enough is enough, you worked hard, you got yourself out of that situation. | ||
| How else? | ||
| You've been through it. | ||
| If you had to engineer the way our society fixes this problem that we have with extremely poor people. | ||
| Somebody had to make me realize that there was a problem, which when I got married, when I met my husband, he was like, people don't live like this. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean people don't live like this? | ||
| He was like, people go out and get a job. | ||
| People don't take from other people. | ||
| People don't sell drugs. | ||
| So I had to be taught that from my husband. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And here I am, 19 I think at the time, and I had to go get a job. | ||
| How do you go into society and get a fucking minimum wage job when you're used to making $10,000 a day when you're 16 and 17 years old? | ||
| $10,000 a day? | ||
| Yes, I had a fucking trap out of this world. | ||
| You had a trap? | ||
| Yeah, it's called a trap. | ||
| I don't know what they call it now because I've been going from the ghetto too long. | ||
| But back then it was called a trap. | ||
| So when you're selling drugs, like your neighborhood's a trap? | ||
| Yeah, you stand on the corner, that's your trap. | ||
| If that's where you start the crackheads or the junkies to come, then that's where they came. | ||
| And everybody knew Rabbit was on Fast Street. | ||
| Oh, Rabbit was on Fast Street, that's our trap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Our thirst trap. | |
| We need to start calling our shows traps. | ||
| When we do shows, let's call, yeah, we're going to do a trap this weekend at the Ice House. | ||
| I love that term. | ||
| They don't use that term anymore because I don't know what you do to sell drugs anymore. | ||
| If they didn't use it on the wire, people haven't heard it. | ||
| No, that's because I think the wire was after I started selling drugs. | ||
| Well, it was probably written by white people too. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| That show, my fucking husband loved that show. | ||
| And he was like, you gotta see this show. | ||
| And when I saw it, I said, I don't want to see that fucking shit. | ||
| I don't want to relive that crap. | ||
| And I got into it, you know, watching the whole fucking, all of it. | ||
| And he was like, how real is it? | ||
| Because my husband comes from a background where mama go to church every day and daddy go to work every day. | ||
| And it was 16 of them, but they wasn't on welfare and daddy and mama provided for them. | ||
| Where I didn't have that life, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, his mama didn't play that shit. | ||
| You weren't selling drugs. | ||
| You weren't running the street. | ||
| You was going to school. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, you know. | ||
| So did he, like, when he met you and you said nobody lives like this, did he offer suggestions or did he just take you by the hand? | ||
| Listen, bitch, we're going to straighten this shit out. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| He was just like, you know, I think he was attracted because I was a go-getter. | ||
| Because I was coming out of selling drugs because people had, you know, the crack epidemic had slowed down. | ||
| So now the new thing was forging checks. | ||
| So I was into it. | ||
| I was into that shit really heavy. | ||
| He was like, you hurting these people? | ||
| I don't fucking know these people. | ||
| All I know is Bank of America and the check number is high. | ||
| You know, he's like, you can't do this shit. | ||
| And he just talked to me and I would listen. | ||
| I remember I had a lot of drugs one day and he was like, I like you and I want to date you. | ||
| He said, but I can't take you home to my mama as a drug dealer and your name is Rabbit. | ||
| So, I'm thinking, this is an opportunity for my kids to have a daddy, and he got all his back teeth, and he can read, and his shoes clean, and he don't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday. | ||
| Ching, ching! | ||
| I had to have him. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, I went for it. | ||
| So, I gave my niece, who I taught how to sell drugs, all of my drugs. | ||
| And I said... | ||
| So, did she work for you, or did you just give her the business? | ||
| Well, she was young when I got her. | ||
| She was like maybe 10, and they would haul the drugs for me over the years. | ||
| So, you know, I taught her how to do it, and she became a drug dealer. | ||
| When did she start selling drugs for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit, it was probably 11. Oh my God! | |
| I know people are going to say, oh you was horrible. | ||
| We was all fucking kids because their mom was on crack. | ||
| This is my baby daddy's sister. | ||
| Their mom was on crack. | ||
| So I took them in. | ||
| Here I am. | ||
| I think they're 11 and I'm fucking 15. They thinking I'm grown. | ||
| I ain't grown with shit. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So now I got my two kids and her three kids and we living. | ||
| I'm taking everybody to school because I sold drugs in front of my daughter's school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Fucking Christ. | ||
| This was before the no-drug school zone signs went up, so I was already grandfathered in when that shit got there. | ||
| That's a really serious federal offense, right? | ||
| If you sell drugs close to a school? | ||
| Yeah, but I was already... | ||
| Them signs wasn't up back in those days. | ||
| So I would drop everybody off at school, and everybody knew when they got off, they knew what to do with the drugs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wow, that is crazy. | ||
| So you just had a whole system going. | ||
| I had a whole little system going. | ||
| So when you decided, you meet your husband, you say, you know what, alright, this dude's great. | ||
| I'm going to listen to him. | ||
| I'm going to do whatever I have to do to keep this working. | ||
| I'll just have her take care of this. | ||
| Are you telling her what to do? | ||
| Is she an employee or do you give her the business? | ||
| I just give it to her. | ||
| I say, you can have the whole trap. | ||
| I'm going to give this dude a chance. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was weird because I had no more money. | ||
| I couldn't ride around in my flashy Cadillac anymore. | ||
| Is that what you did? | ||
| You had a Cadillac? | ||
| Yeah, because I had a learner's license. | ||
| And with a learner's license, you need a licensed driver. | ||
| So I would hire a crackhead for a day. | ||
| Different crackheads. | ||
| Hey, you got a driver's license? | ||
| Get in the car. | ||
| I'm going to supply you a crack every hour. | ||
| I just need the police pull out your fucking license so I can drive with my learner's license. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's how I learned how to drive. | ||
| A crackhead taught me how to drive. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| So you're driving crackheads around just so that you could drive. | ||
| That enabled you to do your business? | ||
| Yes, to drop off dope, pick up dope. | ||
| You would think the crackheads would go, this chick is fucking 15 and she's got this crazy business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I ran shit. | |
| They were scared of me. | ||
| I need to get my shit together. | ||
| They were scared of me. | ||
| How did you have your shit together like that at 15? | ||
| Was it just necessity? | ||
| I had to fucking survive. | ||
| Just necessity. | ||
| You know what my husband told me? | ||
| He said, it has a lot to do with my granddaddy. | ||
| My granddaddy used to sell, he was a bootleg looker, bootleg house or whatever you call it. | ||
| So he said, I never saw anybody work in my family. | ||
| Everybody hustled. | ||
| So I guess I got those skills from him. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| If you grow up seeing something like that, you think that's how people are supposed to live. | ||
| And everybody thought I was grown, Joe. | ||
| Nobody knew I was fucking 15. I mean, I had two kids and other kids selling drugs for me. | ||
| And everybody was like, yes ma'am, no ma'am. | ||
| And one day they was like, how old are you? | ||
| And I said, 16. They were like, you fucking 16? | ||
| I had like eight cars, a learner's license. | ||
| A fleet of crackheads waiting. | ||
| Yes, they were like, hey, hey, Rabbi, you want me to drive for you today? | ||
| You want me to ride in the car? | ||
| And I was just supplying rocks and they smoked the rock while I'm riding around with Run DMC and whoever was out at the time, you know, Invo, pumping my music while they smoking crack because I needed a licensed driver in the car. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| Now, how old were you when you got popped? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I had a police officer off some beard. | ||
| He said, I know you're selling crack, bitch. | ||
| He said, but I'm not going to lock you up until you're 17. Because when this crack first hit the black community, everybody went to jail at 18 and you went to juvenile at 17. But people just go down there. | ||
| Your kids get caught with a fucking half a key of cocaine and you can get them right out of juvenile. | ||
| Because they didn't really know how to handle the situation. | ||
| So they changed the age from 18 to 17. Your ass go to jail at 17 in Georgia. | ||
| So I had a birthday, April the 2nd. | ||
| That fucker had me in jail, April the 5th to 6th, some shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I had a cousin that in the morning, everybody went to school except my cousin. | ||
| So my cousin, I would drop her off, say, hey, sell this, and I'd be right back, I'm going to park the car. | ||
| So a crackhead was like, rabbit, the police is up on the hill on the ground laying down. | ||
| Before I could make it back to pick up my cousin, she was like 15, he went down there and fucking arrested her and took her to where she hid the drugs at. | ||
| And so he issued a warrant for me. | ||
| So I couldn't say it. | ||
| No, he had been on the hill taking pictures all day. | ||
| I mean, all morning. | ||
| So that's how I got my first drug charge. | ||
| So how long did you go away for? | ||
| Oh, I didn't go away then. | ||
| I got probation. | ||
| And then I got popped again. | ||
| And then I was in jail a year. | ||
| So when you got probation, did you have any idea, like, okay, I can get caught for this real easy. | ||
| I got to get out of this business? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I was like, fucking, I thought I was fucking Al Capone. | ||
| I was untouchable. | ||
| I had money. | ||
| It's like, fuck you, I'll be out in no time. | ||
| And back then, when you first went to jail, like I told you, they used to give you bonds, but they stopped giving you bonds. | ||
| So I remember I needed, I had to have a bond here, so I had to pay for the judge in Atlanta to have fucking dancers, and he gave me a $2,500 bond. | ||
| And I was out that night. | ||
| They have dancers? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Paid for his hoes. | ||
| What? | ||
| Whose hoes? | ||
| The judge. | ||
| You paid for the judge's prostitutes? | ||
| Hoes. | ||
| They was dancers. | ||
| They was having a party. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So my lawyer was like, you got to put in a few extra money. | ||
| He's going to give you a bond, but you got to put in a few extra money. | ||
| So I put in extra money, paid for the hoes, and they gave me a $25,000 bond. | ||
| I called my friend Frog, who I was selling drugs with at the time because we was partners. | ||
| Like, come fucking get me. | ||
| So the judge went and took your money and got prostitutes. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I've never seen it, but that's what the lawyer, you know. | ||
| That's what the lawyer said? | ||
| Yeah, so. | ||
| Can't verify that. | ||
| Can't go forward with this information. | ||
| It was true. | ||
| I bet it was. | ||
| I mean, that's one of those things that people would know about. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| There's a judge that got caught. | ||
| Everybody was crooked back then. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They're still crooked. | ||
| That's a bad position to put a person in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you remember the judge's name? | |
| Was it Judge Matthews? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who's Judge Matthews? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a great judge. | |
| Who is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that one of those celebrity judges? | |
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about being a judge that I think is an unhealthy position. | ||
| I don't think anybody should have that kind of power over someone. | ||
| Like, to decide to send someone to jail, to not send someone to jail, send someone to jail for 30 days or 90 days. | ||
| I just think that kind of power... | ||
| I think there should be rules, most certainly, but I think that kind of power bestowed upon a person to make that sort of a decision at their own discretion is just, it's too much. | ||
| It's too much responsibility. | ||
| You can't trust someone to be totally ethical and not fucking crazy. | ||
| And people change too, they get more crazy as they get older, and they get more crazy with ego, you know? | ||
| People get nutty. | ||
| There's a lot of nutty people that get a little bit of attention and then they just fucking go off the deep end. | ||
| Go off the deep end, believe their own bullshit. | ||
| And if you're a judge, everyone's kissing your ass all day. | ||
| All day. | ||
| But you wear the robes, you come in the honorable, they fucking, everybody has to rise when you come into the room. | ||
| What kind of shit is that? | ||
| Everybody else has to stand up because you're here and they call you the honorable? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| There was a guy they busted recently and was using a penis pump. | ||
| While he was presiding over cases, he had a penis pump. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| High bitches walk in and he pump up his penis. | ||
| He's sitting there talking to people and underneath the table, he's jerking himself off with a giant tube and a pump. | ||
| And they're like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| And they catch homeboy. | ||
| My foot went flat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a guy. | |
| No one deserves to be a judge. | ||
| No one. | ||
| You can't be a judge. | ||
| You can't be the king either, by the way. | ||
| You can't be a president. | ||
| That shit was for dumb people that didn't know any better. | ||
| In 2014, with the information that we have today, we should know. | ||
| All we need is Google. | ||
| All we need is let people vote on shit, okay? | ||
| Let the entire country vote on every goddamn thing that gets done, ever. | ||
| You can't have one person that has any oversight or power over everybody else, whether it's a judge or anything. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how you would do it as far as cases, as far as prosecuting people. | ||
| I don't know how you would do it without a judge, but there's got to be a better way. | ||
| You ever been in jail? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a horrible thing. | ||
| The food is horrible. | ||
| I went to Alcatraz when I was a little kid, and they closed the cell, and they leave you in there for about five seconds. | ||
| I'm a friend in San Francisco, so every time I go, he's like, you want to visit Alcatraz? | ||
| I was like, look, you dumb fuck. | ||
| You don't ask a convicted felon do they want to just volunteer and visit a fucking old jail. | ||
| No, I don't want to visit Alcatraz. | ||
| I've been to jail before. | ||
| I know what it looked like. | ||
| There's something also about people that go to jail. | ||
| It's a lot like people that have been to war or people that have gotten over some very traumatic event is that they have a certain kind of strength. | ||
| There's a certain kind of strength that a person has when they're the people that decide, like, I am fucking never going back there. | ||
| Well, yeah, some people, like, I got some brothers that have been in and out of jail all their fucking life. | ||
| Some people like going back. | ||
| My brother-in-laws do. | ||
| For me, when I miss my daughter going to kindergarten from doing a year in jail, that totally fucked me up. | ||
| And, you know, by me having that lifestyle, not really nothing that I chose, but what I went through. | ||
| I did not have a bond with my daughter, Jo, for years. | ||
| And I don't know if you have any kids, but when you have a kid that deeply probably hates you for the life that you chose, you know, to help hers. | ||
| She didn't realize I was doing this shit so I could make better for you. | ||
| You know, me missing school and me missing her go to kindergarten and, you know, me selling drugs and hurting people. | ||
| Me and my daughter did not have a fucking bond for a long time. | ||
| So when I brought my husband into her life, she immediately bond with him. | ||
| But I was always the bad person. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, she probably looked at him as like the savior. | ||
| He was the savior. | ||
| He was the savior. | ||
| She has a bond out of this world. | ||
| Now we talk every day. | ||
| And you know, another thing is when I went to prison, then I got out and I really fucking hate it. | ||
| And I hate to say this. | ||
| I see your podcast is so fucking big. | ||
| Hope people don't take it the wrong way. | ||
| I hated gay women. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I could deal with gay men, but I saw so much of that shit in jail. | ||
| No, I've never been with a woman. | ||
| Nobody fucked with me because I fought all the time. | ||
| But I just hated the shit. | ||
| And then when it came into my life, my daughter is gay, I was like, oh fuck, how stupid am I? You can't judge people on their sexuality. | ||
| So all during my, when I was raising my daughter... | ||
| She always ended up getting a gay fucking cheerleading coach. | ||
| And I hated this bitch. | ||
| And my daughter know I hated gay women. | ||
| But my daughter was gay. | ||
| So that's another thing that did not allow her to bond with me. | ||
| Because she knew my hatreds for gay women. | ||
| Wow, that's intense. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Answer me this if you can. | ||
| What do you think it is about the black community that shuns gay people or shuns like gay marriage? | ||
| Because that was like a big issue in California here. | ||
| They had Proposition 8. Proposition 8. Is that what it is? | ||
| The Bible? | ||
| It's religion. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Black people believe no matter what. | ||
| They believe it's a God. | ||
| We go into heaven or hell. | ||
| That's just how we talk. | ||
| And I think a lot of that shit comes from because our ancestors were slaves. | ||
| I think it just rolled on through the genius. | ||
| But we believe. | ||
| So that's what it is? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But it seems it's so, in this style, 2014, you know, it seems so discriminatory when you see that people are born gay. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I have a gay daughter that I'm very supportive of, and I don't feel that way anymore. | ||
| It's almost like a white dude and his daughter bring home a white guy's daughter bring home a black dude. | ||
| I mean, you're either going to get over it or fucking jump off of a bridge and realize that you're the person that has the problem, not them. | ||
| And that's what I had to realize. | ||
| You know, because these bitches was eating pussy in jail and I didn't like them. | ||
| Well, these are not the gay people who my daughter's bringing over. | ||
| So now I'm very fucking supportive. | ||
| Whatever makes my daughter happy. | ||
| Plus, you got to remember, here I am, 15 years old, getting fucking dogged out by her daddy. | ||
| Beat on, shot on, fucking knocked around, cheated on. | ||
| You know, she just saw so fucking much that I think, you know, fucking like, fuck men, them niggas ain't right. | ||
| So I think that's part of the issue too. | ||
| She say she was born gay. | ||
| I say, in my fucking womb, bitch, the ultrasound, you was not licking anything. | ||
| So, I mean, do I know? | ||
| I don't know if she was born gay, but she's gay and I support her decision to be gay. | ||
| That's my firstborn and I love the hell out of her. | ||
| You know, like when she first came out, when she went to college and she left town because she knew how much I hated gay women. | ||
| And I ain't seen my own fucking child for three years. | ||
| I would try to contact her. | ||
| She was out in the world, been homeless. | ||
| And I was like, what is your fucking problem? | ||
| What is your problem? | ||
| I said, if you gay, just say you gay. | ||
| She said, I'm gay. | ||
| I said, well, can you come home, bitch? | ||
| Because I miss you. | ||
| It's been three fucking years. | ||
| And now we talk every day. | ||
| And I love the hell out of my daughter. | ||
| I got a wonderful daughter-in-law. | ||
| They look just like... | ||
| Who did I say she look like? | ||
| Paula Poundstone? | ||
| No, Paula Poundstone. | ||
| Robin Thicke. | ||
| My daughter-in-law looks like Robin Thicke. | ||
| Paula Poundstone, you wrong, Joe. | ||
| You remember her? | ||
| No, but I've seen her. | ||
| She's a stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know who Paula Poundstone is. | |
| So, you know, I'm a supportive mom now. | ||
| I mean, I love my daughter. | ||
| I love my kids to death. | ||
| I have four of them, you know. | ||
| And we talked about the shit that I've taken her through from putting the drugs in her underwear to, you know, me dropping out of school. | ||
| She was there. | ||
| But she must feel different about you now. | ||
| I'm her fucking hero now. | ||
| And she's mine. | ||
| I mean, because she did something that I never had an opportunity to do. | ||
| She didn't get pregnant in high school. | ||
| She went on and graduated. | ||
| When she graduated, Joe, I said, I fucking made it. | ||
| I thought it was nothing else. | ||
| You could have killed me that day. | ||
| Because you know why? | ||
| None of my cousin kids graduated. | ||
| Nobody else. | ||
| My fucking Ashley is walking down this aisle. | ||
| I made it. | ||
| I couldn't stop crying. | ||
| And she was like, what are you crying for? | ||
| I was like, if only you knew what I did to get you to this point. | ||
| You broke a fucking cycle that has been going on in my family for three generations. | ||
| I didn't even cry like that when I took her to college. | ||
| But boy, when she graduated high school, I pick up that diploma once a week and say, bitch, we made it. | ||
| And a high school diploma ain't worth shit. | ||
| It's about as equals to my GED that I got at the house. | ||
| Yeah, today, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even a college diploma, it's so hard. | ||
| You hear stories about people getting out of college and looking for a job now. | ||
| It's like, it's so confusing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I mean, it's hard. | ||
| I tell my kids all the time I made my money, you could probably ever do doing shit that you really want to do. | ||
| Because when you go to college, you're going for, you know, you don't really know what the fuck you want to do. | ||
| You want to go and get high and fuck the first year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At least. | ||
| That's all my daughter. | ||
| My daughter went to college, and you know what? | ||
| I paid for her tuition the whole three years she was there. | ||
| That's because you would not struggle. | ||
| Do you know she went to college and ate pussy on my dime? | ||
| She ate pussy on my dime like crazy. | ||
| She was trying to find herself. | ||
| Yes, in somebody else's self. | ||
| Losing back teeth and shit? | ||
| I was like, you gotta stop eating Medicaid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Losing back teeth? | |
| Yeah, I was like, you gotta stop eating Medicaid pussy. | ||
| You gotta eat Blue Cross Blue Sheer pussy. | ||
| You lose your back teeth when you eat pussy? | ||
| When you eat bad pussy, Joe. | ||
| What defines bad pussy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can call my daughter and you can ask her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's thrush. | |
| It's a bacterial infection and it rots your gums. | ||
| I don't know, but, you know. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a hilarious story. | ||
| It's gotta be a nice thing to be where you're at now, though. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| How long have you been doing stand-up? | ||
| 11 years. | ||
| I've been married 23. Wow. | ||
| So 11 years ago, this person at the welfare office tells you you should do stand-up. | ||
| So what do you do from there? | ||
| I go home and I told my husband, I was like, my caseworker say I'm funny. | ||
| He's like, can you sit down and be quiet? | ||
| So I said, I'm going to go to open mic. | ||
| He was like, go home, Pat. | ||
| My husband's not the type. | ||
| He's not going to say, don't do it either. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Because I was in the process. | ||
| My son's husband saw me go from a drug dealer to forging checks to fucking... | ||
| I got a little vending service at the Georgia Dome when Michael Vick first became our quarterback. | ||
| So I'm making a ton of money with inner city kids with a non-profit organization. | ||
| So he saw me go from that and then all of a sudden you want to be a stand-up. | ||
| He's like, how many times are you going to change your career? | ||
| I said, until I fucking find myself. | ||
| So I get my girlfriend, which is a long story short, my baby's daddy, baby mama, lived around the corner from me. | ||
| This is a chick he show up at the hospital after I give birth to his first child. | ||
| So we became best friends. | ||
| I swear we raised the kids as cousins. | ||
| Because she had a baby by him too. | ||
| So I get her and I was like, this caseworker said I'm funny. | ||
| Let's go to open mic. | ||
| And I go up there, Joe, and I fucking killed. | ||
| First time. | ||
| I told a story about my brother was a professional cat burglar, but he was fat. | ||
| So he kicked this lady door in one time. | ||
| He's like, freeze, bitch, I'm the FBI. Give me your TV and your VCR. So he stashed on TV and ran out the door. | ||
| Because he broken houses every day. | ||
| And that was my first joke. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And so when you did that, did you write any of this shit out? | ||
| I didn't know because I grew up and I started in an urban room. | ||
| So I started to follow the urban trail. | ||
| I suck dick. | ||
| I eat booty. | ||
| You know how the black people do the shit. | ||
| You seen Def Jam. | ||
| So I kind of... | ||
| I look up and I got that drug dealer mentality. | ||
| I was like, well, I'm not sticking out. | ||
| I'm doing everything these motherfuckers doing. | ||
| And I was like, it's got to be something better here. | ||
| I'm not growing. | ||
| I'm making $50 a week. | ||
| This ain't how the dope game work. | ||
| Because everything is like the dope game to me. | ||
| It must elevate. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so, when my husband got a transfer to... | ||
| It was either Detroit, St. Louis, or Indianapolis. | ||
| And I was like, you're not going to kill my kids in those other cities. | ||
| And he chose... | ||
| I wanted to go to Texas, so he chose Indianapolis. | ||
| So, I walk into a mainstream club at the time, which was Morty's. | ||
| And I got this urban flair. | ||
| And they was like, not here, bitches. | ||
| We don't do roaches jokes. | ||
| Roaches jokes? | ||
| Yeah, roaches. | ||
| You know how you see a black... | ||
| Yeah, you ever had a roach? | ||
| Drink out your Kool-Aid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, you know, you know, roaches. | ||
| You know, and then you got the jokes about the government cheese and shit. | ||
| So when I moved to Indianapolis, they were like, you can't do that shit here. | ||
| You know, nobody have fucking roaches. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| So it forced me to open up to my life that I had, which was way more interesting. | ||
| Wow, so you were trying to just do what everybody else was doing and then go into this white neighborhood... | ||
| Going to the white neighborhood when we moved, fuck me up. | ||
| It fucked me up. | ||
| That's a great club to go to. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Morty's in Indianapolis? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's a great club. | ||
| I've worked there before. | ||
| And it was a little black owner at the time. | ||
| Well, he's in jail for bank robbery now. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Bank robbery? | ||
| He robbed a bank? | ||
| How long ago did he do this? | ||
| Last year with no guns. | ||
| Last year? | ||
| Just showed him all 32 of his cavities. | ||
| Get up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she gave me... | |
| So when I got to Indianapolis, I had to change who I was. | ||
| So I had to find myself. | ||
| And I just started talking about my life, which was kind of embarrassing. | ||
| Two kids at 15, dropped out in the 8th grade. | ||
| You know, you're thinking people are going to fucking... | ||
| I thought I was the only teenage mom on the road. | ||
| I thought I was the only bitch. | ||
| And I am the only one probably missing a nipple that's going to tell. | ||
| But all this stuff that happened to me, I thought it was just me. | ||
| Then I learned fucking teenage pregnancy happened in every race. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a whole show on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where the fuck was that show at when I had my baby? | ||
| You're better off without it. | ||
| You're better off becoming you and now getting famous. | ||
| You can handle it better. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So when I got to Indianapolis, it changed. | ||
| I moved to a white neighborhood and I just started to work on my set. | ||
| So do you write material or do you always talk about your life? | ||
| I write stuff about being married, kids. | ||
| Most of my stuff is personal, where everybody gets it. | ||
| My life, being a drug dealer, I talk a lot about my mom, who was an alcoholic mom, who used to give me the worst advice. | ||
| She would say shit like, reach for the stars, and I hope you hit the sun and burn up. | ||
| So I thought that shit was true. | ||
| I told my husband the other day. | ||
| My mom was so fucking stupid. | ||
| I'm not going to say she was stupid. | ||
| She didn't know shit. | ||
| She couldn't read, so she would force me to read her horoscope. | ||
| But what she didn't know, I couldn't read either. | ||
| So I would just make up shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day I made up bullshit. | |
| Bullshit and she went for it. | ||
| Like I would say, cause she would shoot at us. | ||
| Like she told a.22 pilster. | ||
| Cause she was, my mama was a very small lady. | ||
| So she walked around a.22 pilster. | ||
| She just carried it everywhere? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And we're like, we wouldn't wash the dishes. | ||
| Pop out! | ||
| Wash them goddamn dishes! | ||
| She would shoot it into the ceiling? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And when it rained, it showed. | ||
| So when it rained, water would come dripping through the holes that she left by shooting the ceiling. | ||
| And she's like, why the fuck the ceiling, Lincoln? | ||
| Because, bitch, you don't put 22 of them holes in the ceiling. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a way to motivate kids, though. | ||
| And we were scared of her. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| We were scared of her. | ||
| She had a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She had a fucking gun. | |
| She just never pointed at her. | ||
| She was like, pow, pow, just shoot a light out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| But we got used to it. | ||
| Like, here's your mama with this bullshit. | ||
| Did she ever shoot at you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Anybody? | ||
| She shot at me one time. | ||
| I was on the phone with my baby daddy. | ||
| I was on the phone with my baby daddy. | ||
| She's like, get the fuck out the phone. | ||
| So my mom was like pre-handicapped because we lived in the project. | ||
| And the security guard fucking body slammed and fucked up her spine. | ||
| So if she sat down, she couldn't get back up. | ||
| So we would have to be there to lift her up. | ||
| So I knew I wanted to talk on the phone with my baby daddy. | ||
| At this time, I'm pregnant with my second child. | ||
| Get off the phone with that motherfucker. | ||
| He's going to get you pregnant. | ||
| That's somebody else's husband. | ||
| So I tell my kid's father. | ||
| I was like, hold on while I go ahead and lay her down. | ||
| And she was only like 98 pounds. | ||
| So I picked up and I laid her in the bathroom on the floor. | ||
| And I was like, you stay right there until I get through talking to my baby daddy. | ||
| What I didn't know, Joe, is that bitch could crawl. | ||
| She crawled out that bathroom like military style with that shotgun and shot at my ass. | ||
| I flew out the door. | ||
| She shot at you with a shotgun? | ||
| With a shotgun. | ||
| She got it out the closet. | ||
| She shot at you with a shotgun because you were on the phone with a man and you put her on the floor. | ||
| Yeah, I put her on the floor and she couldn't get up. | ||
| So I was like, if you don't stop shooting, who the fuck gonna get you off the floor? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So how did you guys resolve that? | ||
| She ran out of bullets. | ||
| What did she shoot? | ||
| Did she shoot just holes in your house? | ||
| Yeah, she would just shoot up anything. | ||
| We would get evicted. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck. | ||
| You were getting evicted? | ||
| You would be watching the TV and she would tell you to move. | ||
| She would blow the motherfucker out if you didn't move. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many times did she shoot the TV? Just once. | ||
| God. | ||
| Because we couldn't afford another one. | ||
| There was only two. | ||
| One for the kids and one for her. | ||
| How much material do you think, like, I would say, if you're going to become a big-name stand-up comedian, you're going to have to put out a bunch of specials, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So if you put out, how many specials can you do on your life before you have to start talking about other shit? | ||
| Probably four or five. | ||
| Four or five specials just on your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you know what? | |
| A lot of stuff that I remember, like it was so, at the time, like I can laugh at it now, but back then it was pain. | ||
| So I didn't get on drugs like my sister did. | ||
| My brother didn't get on drugs to deal with bullshit that we was going through. | ||
| I just stayed, you know, sober and thought these motherfuckers was crazy. | ||
| So to get rid of the pain, I just kept... | ||
| Putting it in the back of my head. | ||
| I didn't want to remember it. | ||
| So when I became a comic, all of this shit started rushing through my brain. | ||
| And I have to ask my sister, bitch, is this real? | ||
| I just asked my sister the other day. | ||
| My granddaddy ran a bootleg house. | ||
| So in this bootleg house, I had a retarded uncle named Uncle Cecil that was crippled. | ||
| But my granddaddy would buy him pussy on Friday. | ||
| But me and my sister would have to go in there with the prostitute and hold his legs back until he get his dick in before we could go outside and play. | ||
| So I called her up and I said, is this shit real? | ||
| You had to hold his legs back. | ||
| Because he's a cripple. | ||
| You know how when they knees knock him? | ||
| So he couldn't get it in until we moved his fucking legs back. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I remember one time I was like, hurry up. | ||
| Probably eight. | ||
| I was like, Uncle C, put it in and stop fucking smiling because he was retarded. | ||
| He smiled all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so awful. | |
| I know, it's so fucking awful. | ||
| And I asked my brother, I was like, do y'all remember this shit? | ||
| And I'm going crazy. | ||
| And I called my brother last week and I said, my mama used to have this theory. | ||
| She said, when it rains and the sun is shining, the devil was beating his wife. | ||
| You ever heard that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then she said if it would rain and the lightning and the sun would shine, he caught the bitch cheating. | ||
| My mom would say, you should beat the bitch because she don't believe in God. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You crazy bitch! | ||
| I used to think they stole me, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody could be born into this fucking crazy family. | |
| He should beat her. | ||
| She doesn't believe in God. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And she's shooting at you. | ||
| She's shooting at us. | ||
| Just think of the irony in that. | ||
| Does God want you shooting your fucking kids? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| She's like, I can't hit you, but I can pull a trigger. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And we would scatter her ass for years. | ||
| We would scatter her. | ||
| Well, in her defense, probably very hard to raise a bunch of kids. | ||
| What happened to her back? | ||
| Someone slammed her on her back? | ||
| Okay, we lived in the projects. | ||
| She was the candy lady. | ||
| The candy lady. | ||
| Candy lady. | ||
| That's the lady in the hood that sell the freeze pop, the candy, the cookies to the kids. | ||
| And my mama did it because we was in the projects and that money helped her with her light bills or whatever the fuck. | ||
| And she used to talk shit to the security guard. | ||
| This was back before the projects were really dangerous. | ||
| So, the security guard was like, Mildred, you cannot sell candy because it's fucking earned income and you're not reporting. | ||
| But he was just fucking with her because my mama talked a lot of crap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, she's like, oh, fuck you, security guard, you ugly fake. | |
| Whatever she said. | ||
| So, he came on. | ||
| He said, I'm going to come whoop your ass. | ||
| And I had to be about probably seven. | ||
| That dude came in and beat the dog shit. | ||
| I was into wrestling at the time. | ||
| He was in the DDT and the shit out of my mama. | ||
| And before he came in the house, she gave me and my sister the can. | ||
| She's like, go flush this shit. | ||
| He on the way. | ||
| So we're in the bathroom popping pixie sticks like cocaine, eating this shit. | ||
| He in there whooping her ass. | ||
| So he hit her up against the wall and fucked her spine up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So she sued the housing authority, but she couldn't read and the fucking lawyer took all the money and we got put out of the projects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So, oh, that's what, when it damaged her spine, like, she could no longer hold her neck up. | ||
| Like, if she be talking, that bitch fall over, so she had to keep us to keep her neck up while she was driving. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| One incident with this guy did that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She was, like, 90 pounds. | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| I don't really know. | ||
| I remember going to court and testifying, you know. | ||
| That's so hard to hear. | ||
| That's so hard to hear. | ||
| I got great jokes about it, you know. | ||
| Great jokes? | ||
| Like, she would do shit, even though her neck was fucked up, she was determined to do normal neck people shit, like go across the track too fast. | ||
| Normal neck people shit? | ||
| Like go across the track too fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And one time, she had a 64 Chevy that used to bounce, and she loved, like, old music. | ||
| So we're in there just bouncing, listening to B.B. King, and she gonna beat the train. | ||
| That bitch hit that first track, and that neck went back. | ||
| She's like, pick my neck up, bitch, the train coming! | ||
| My sister slapped the shit out of her neck, and it went through the 64 steering wheel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| So I had to jump over the seat and hold her neck up while she driving across the track. | ||
| She pull over. | ||
| You bitches hit me too hard. | ||
| My sister's like, bitch, the train was coming. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, you bitches hit me too hard. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| So she could walk, and she could use her feet, but she just had a bunch of issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She couldn't suck dick. | |
| How do you know about that? | ||
| She had a boyfriend, but I hope she couldn't suck dick, because she never calls in there to pick her neck up. | ||
| Is that where you would draw the line? | ||
| I would have went and picked her neck up. | ||
| I had my cripple uncle fuck. | ||
| It just seems different though. | ||
| It seems like one more level. | ||
| I mean, everything went. | ||
| I saw, it's nothing that I did not see as a kid. | ||
| Did you say murder? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I tell you, before I tell you about him, I saw more murder when I was a drug dealer. | ||
| That's when I really saw murder. | ||
| But I had a guy that lived in our backyard. | ||
| Well, we lived in some apartments. | ||
| And this is when Hair Run and shit came out very popular. | ||
| In the black community. | ||
| So my next door neighbor used to shoot up, but my mama used to shoot up too, but it was diabetic medication. | ||
| So I would walk out there. | ||
| I walk outside one day on the back porch and I'm sitting there. | ||
| So he shoot up what I thought was diabetic medication. | ||
| He get butt ass naked. | ||
| Joe run over to me, bend over and was like, rabbit, get the rat out of my ass. | ||
| So I'm looking up this dude asked for a rat. | ||
| And I'm like, J-Baz, no rat in your ass. | ||
| Your diabetes is fucking up. | ||
| I was like, the rat is hanging in the front. | ||
| So he thought... | ||
| He got naked every weekend. | ||
| Nobody said shit. | ||
| And you were telling him it was his diabetes medicine? | ||
| Well, that's what I thought it was. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| That's what I fucking... | ||
| Diabetes medicine has you thinking it's a rat up your ass. | ||
| But it was heroin. | ||
| I learned... | ||
| We learned later that he was shooting heroin. | ||
| So when he got naked on Friday, we were like, J-Bet just high. | ||
| He be alright. | ||
| It was only one day he got naked? | ||
| No. | ||
| He got naked every time he shot drugs. | ||
| How many days a week did he shoot drugs? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Two, three? | ||
| So two or three days a week he was naked on heroin. | ||
| Some people care. | ||
| Some people care. | ||
| You know he was an engineer for a living. | ||
| An engineer like he designed things? | ||
| Yes, that's what he did for a living. | ||
| He got on hair run. | ||
| Not like an engineer running a train. | ||
| No, not like that. | ||
| He designed shit. | ||
| He was like fucking corporate America. | ||
| He was the shit. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| But he came to the ghetto and got high and take off. | ||
| He felt so embarrassed once his high came down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And people would just let J-Bo walk around naked. | ||
| I wonder if that's like his way of releasing all the stress of keeping it all wrapped up tight in corporate America as an engineer. | ||
| I think he'd think stuff was crawling on him. | ||
| So he was just getting naked and digging his ass and we'd be like, oh, J-Bell's just naked. | ||
| He just hides. | ||
| That's in his ass. | ||
| Before we moved in this set of apartments, I would go to the wrestling match every week. | ||
| When we moved in this set of apartments, I stopped going because it was nothing to see people fighting and, you know, motherfuckers out there acting on food. | ||
| It was more interesting to sit on my back porch and it was real. | ||
| Wow, that is crazy. | ||
| That has got to be so bizarre. | ||
| Be that young, you've got to pull one guy's legs apart to help him fuck. | ||
| That's the norm. | ||
| And then you've got another guy that's running around naked and he's on heroin. | ||
| That was the norm. | ||
| When you're in that situation, nothing else seems... | ||
| What you're doing, the right shit, is out of place. | ||
| What I'm doing, this is what I'm used to. | ||
| That's the weird thing about human beings. | ||
| They're very adaptable. | ||
| That's what they're saying about people that live in any country and watch tribal people. | ||
| And you go, why don't these people don't have any TVs? | ||
| They don't have any electricity? | ||
| They don't even know what that is. | ||
| This is normal to them. | ||
| You see people in those villages they find in the Amazon. | ||
| They don't have any contact with human beings. | ||
| We feel bad for them. | ||
| But what are they doing? | ||
| They're just being people. | ||
| Being people that figured out how to live there, you know? | ||
| And you were a person who figured out how to live in your wild world. | ||
| My wild world. | ||
| That was a wild world. | ||
| I mean, it might as well just have been the wild of the Amazon or the wild of the forest or the wild of the city. | ||
| It's just wild. | ||
| There's varying degrees, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's places where shit is just wild. | ||
| And where you were living, craziness. | ||
| Someone should make a movie... | ||
| About your life. | ||
| That's what you should do. | ||
| You should write a movie. | ||
| All the best stories. | ||
| Completely, totally factual. | ||
| Completely, totally accurate. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| That would be a fucking chaotic movie. | ||
| Yeah, for a 15-year-old girl, wasn't it? | ||
| 15-year-old girl to get her tit shot off while she's holding her baby and dealing drugs. | ||
| And this guy's running around naked. | ||
| He's got a rabbit up his ass. | ||
| You're thinking he's on diabetes medicine. | ||
| I was naive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Oh, that's nothing. | ||
| Let me tell you more stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please do. | |
| Please do. | ||
| So, when I... I was about... | ||
| Probably about... | ||
| Like I said, I was about 10 or 11, so I had a really nice figure. | ||
| So, I learned... | ||
| You were 10? | ||
| You had a nice figure? | ||
| I was fuckable since it's third grade, honestly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you have pictures? | ||
| No. | ||
| So how do you know? | ||
| I remember everybody used to say I was fine and I didn't know what fine was. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I tell you this story. | ||
| So I'm about 10 or 11. So sometimes I could just walk away from home. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| So I go downtown to the local Hilton Hotel because I said, I want to go see what white people are doing. | ||
| You know, rich white people because I thought everybody stayed at the Hilton was rich. | ||
| You know, and plus I went in there because we didn't have no fucking AC. So I was standing in front of the door when the doors open, the AC hit me in my fucking face. | ||
| So I'm standing at the phone booth one day and this white man say, hey, you want to come go to my room with me? | ||
| I'm like, huh? | ||
| And then he thought like he was jacking his dick. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| Honestly, I go to his room, Joe, and he had me jack his dick. | ||
| And I jacked this white man dick. | ||
| And he paid me $100. | ||
| I'm like, are you going to fucking be here tomorrow? | ||
| So I'm thinking this is my first job. | ||
| I go home and tell my mom I got a job downtown jacking white men dicks for $100. | ||
| You told her that? | ||
| Yeah, she wanted to go. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Where the fuck you gonna get $100 in the ghetto for Jack and Dicks? | ||
| You might get some oatmeal cookies. | ||
| You ain't gonna get no damn $100. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How old were you at the time? | ||
| I think I was 11. You were 11. You told your mother you got a job jacking off white men's dicks for $100 and she wants to go with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That might be the craziest fucking story you've told so far. | ||
| I said they're not hiring. | ||
| You're too fucking old. | ||
| You're not fucking this up. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You're not fucking this up. | ||
| She only had four teeth and she wasn't really cute. | ||
| It's funny that you have to qualify that. | ||
| She had four teeth, but she was cute as fuck. | ||
| No, she wasn't cute at all. | ||
| I mean, once you only have four teeth, it's like, what is really cute? | ||
| Your tongue. | ||
| Something about being toothless is not that appealing to us. | ||
| Wow, that is so crazy. | ||
| Your mom wanted to go with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was... | ||
| Where was all this going? | ||
| What city is this again? | ||
| Atlanta. | ||
| It really started in the bootleg house. | ||
| This is when I knew she was fucked up. | ||
| Like, on Friday, my grandfather's customers would fall asleep. | ||
| And while they were asleep, my mama would make me rob them. | ||
| And for every person that I robbed, I got $5 per person. | ||
| And I probably was $7 or $8. | ||
| I remember that shit like yesterday. | ||
| And I told her, I said, you taking advantage of me, I should be making more money. | ||
| So I asked her for 10% because I've been watching Sesame Street, but neither one of us knew what the fuck 10% was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You asked her for 10% of the robberies because you were watching Sesame Street? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So she didn't know what it was, and so I was like, it's $10. | ||
| So she gave me $10 for every wallet that I stole. | ||
| And I fucking would get up on Saturday morning and play Pac-Man till the fucking sun go down. | ||
| I only did it because I wanted to play Pac-Man. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a crazy invite. | ||
| Now, growing up and then getting past that and looking back on it, like when you were asking, did this really happen or am I crazy? | ||
| How does that feel now when you tell these stories? | ||
| You being this normal person now, as normal as you can be, having children that are doing great, living in the suburbs, staying calm, this has got to feel like another life, right? | ||
| It is another life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It used to hurt me. | ||
| I would cry when this shit come up. | ||
| I have this whole thing in life and shit going to get me down. | ||
| I learned that from a fourth grade teacher. | ||
| I used to go to school. | ||
| I was a stinking kid. | ||
| I was a poor kid. | ||
| But I had a teacher named Miss Truth. | ||
| That would tell me, Patricia, get here earlier and I will bring you clean clothes and I will comb your hair. | ||
| So we were in the bathroom one day and she just was combing my hair and she said, I want you to remember that you can be anything in the world you want to be. | ||
| All you got to do is believe. | ||
| And that lady just died this year. | ||
| And when I did time in prison, anytime I got low or anytime I wanted to question something that I was trying to do in life, I went back to Miss Truth. | ||
| Because to me, she was the first person to ever believe in me. | ||
| And I'm 42 years old. | ||
| And I still fucking quote Ms. True. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how one person like that can have an impact? | ||
| Think of those two people's impacts. | ||
| The one lady that told you you were funny and then that lady. | ||
| The caseworker is my godmama now. | ||
| I still talk to her every day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She must be blown away. | ||
| She must be blown away by that. | ||
| When I got more in depth with the stories, like, you know, after I tell you all the stories, it'll probably take a month. | ||
| You know, it's... | ||
| People call me, can you tell me this story one more time? | ||
| And a lot of times they remind me of shit. | ||
| How many, do you write these down? | ||
| Do you write them down? | ||
| You just confident you're going to remember them all? | ||
| I do remember them all. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Well, it's like the sex that you're working on. | ||
| Like now I talk about my mom and my ex and I talk about being married. | ||
| So I really don't need the crippled uncle Jack and Dick. | ||
| You know, right now. | ||
| I tell that story later on in life on stage. | ||
| I talk about being a drug dealer. | ||
| You know, just the basic. | ||
| Just stretching the surface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, because I'm not a star, so there's only so much you can put out there before you make your fucking audience cry. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| So, you know, when you become Chris Rock, they'll take anything from you. | ||
| But I'm a mis-pack fucking nobody. | ||
| I gotta give it to them easy. | ||
| And you gotta remember, I'm a fucking black woman talking to a white audience. | ||
| Most of my fans are white. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| But I appreciate y'all to the fullness. | ||
| Hey, I love the fucker. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if you had one eye. | ||
| Thank you for supporting me. | ||
| What do you think it is about the audience being all white? | ||
| Like, how'd that happen? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Honestly, I don't. | ||
| I did a radio show called Bob and Tom in Indianapolis. | ||
| That's where I got a lot of them from. | ||
| And they just started coming. | ||
| I mean, I would go into that mainstream club, you know, mostly white people, and I would tell these stories and people would be like, wow. | ||
| And I still have people be like, I want to cry. | ||
| I was like, get the fuck away from me. | ||
| I'm not fucking crying over this shit. | ||
| I'm over it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it's just because they don't have anything like that in their life. | ||
| I think people like to know that you overcame. | ||
| You know, I could be on crack like my sister. | ||
| My sister been smoking crack from day one. | ||
| She been on drugs all her life. | ||
| And I think that's how she dealt with her pain of fucking molestation and all that bullshit that we went through as kids. | ||
| She'll never admit it because she haven't faced up to the problem yet. | ||
| But with me, I just packed the shit in the back of my head. | ||
| So I think when I tell my stories, people at home going through whatever they're going through, and they're like, fuck, I thought my problem was big. | ||
| But hell no, this bitch had to pull a cripple uncle's leg back and help him stick his dick in at eight. | ||
| So you realize your life ain't as bad as you. | ||
| I think after you hear my story, you're like, oh, fuck, I had good parents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the feel-good story of the year. | |
| God, I can't even imagine. | ||
| So, 11 years ago you started telling this on stage and when you first started doing it, were you doing open mic nights? | ||
| Well, I started talking about my life about six years ago when I moved to Indianapolis. | ||
| So six years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the five years before that you were doing all black clubs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All in Atlanta? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And so then you were more like everyone else around you just trying to like do whatever everybody else did, try to get laughs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So moving to Indianapolis, is that when you started getting paid work or were you getting paid work before that? | ||
| I started getting paid work in Indianapolis. | ||
| I became a comedian. | ||
| I was bullshitting the whole first time. | ||
| And my husband used to always say, nobody want to hear that chicken shit on stage. | ||
| And I didn't know what he was talking about. | ||
| He was like, it's not funny. | ||
| I mean, he wouldn't say it to hurt my feelings, but he wouldn't support it. | ||
| He never would come see me. | ||
| He's like, that ain't funny. | ||
| You know, anybody can talk. | ||
| Why are you going to talk about Your bedroom on stage. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you just fucking hating. | ||
| But when I became Miss Pat, who I am today, with my life, he's more supportive. | ||
| Like, when I said I'm going to do Joe Rogan podcast, he was like, here's my credit card. | ||
| But before, I'm not giving you no money to go tell him fucking roast jokes. | ||
| So it makes a difference. | ||
| Like, he only seen me once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes, once. | ||
| Cat Williams, when I opened for Cat Williams, he invited him out. | ||
| That's the only time he's ever seen you? | ||
| Because you know what he said? | ||
| I was never funny to him. | ||
| I was always serious. | ||
| And he said people just laughed at what I said. | ||
| They thought I was trying to be funny, but I was just being mean. | ||
| So, for him, it wasn't funny? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because, you know what? | ||
| When I did Bob and Tom, and I talk about being my baby daddy shot me in the head, another dude shot me in the titty. | ||
| His co-workers listening, they're like, you shot your wife's titty off! | ||
| He's like, that wasn't fucking me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That wasn't fucking me! | |
| Oh my God! | ||
| He's constantly asking abuse questions about me! | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| He's like, you snap your wife with a skin! | ||
| Like, dude, that was not fucking me! | ||
| That was the dude before me! | ||
| Oh, that is crazy. | ||
| I was so broken before I met this dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is your nipple, like, together still, or is it just, like, gone? | |
| No, no, it's there. | ||
| It's a little damaged, but it's there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you have a piece in it still, right? | |
| No, what I was saying, when I do my mammogram and they smash my boob, you can see the gun, what is it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The gun, the... | |
| The fragment on my mammogram. | ||
| You see bullet fragments? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Little spots, and they look like breast cancer, but they know it's not breast cancer, so they have on my chart, and my mammogram office been shot in the right titty, missing nipple. | ||
| Did they say titty on your mammogram? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or whatever, boo, breast. | |
| Yeah, if your doctor's calling a titty, you might want to, where's your fucking certificate, man? | ||
| Can I see where your diploma is? | ||
| Well, I'm old school. | ||
| They always titties, Joe. | ||
| Always? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good name for them. | ||
| I got no problem with that. | ||
| What do you call them? | ||
| Titties are great. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I have a friend who says... | ||
| My friend Steve says titties for things that are good. | ||
| He's like, we're going on a titties camping trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I say tits. | |
| That means it's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I say tits like, that's tits. | |
| Or the tits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boobs? | ||
| I don't have boobs. | ||
| I got a titty. | ||
| My shit hangs like balls. | ||
| And I have to put grease up on them so they'll slide across my stomach easily so they don't fucking create fraction and make a sore. | ||
| Oh no, really? | ||
| I got real shit joked. | ||
| We were talking about your husband before the podcast started about he became a vegan. | ||
| Lost a ton of weight. | ||
| Lost over 100 and something pounds. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His health was going down. | ||
| I mean, knees and shit hurt and everything. | ||
| And he just said, I'm not eating this shit anymore. | ||
| Well, if you're 100 pounds overweight, just imagine... | ||
| My husband was a big guy. | ||
| He was a big guy. | ||
| Carrying an extra 100 pounds. | ||
| Everywhere you go, you have to put 100 pounds on your shoulders. | ||
| Everything will start breaking after a while. | ||
| That's what most people are doing that are 100 pounds overweight. | ||
| They just don't think about it, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he got his shit together, became a vegan, haven't eaten meat in two years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Did you stick food in his face? | ||
| Like, smell this bitch? | ||
| It don't bother me. | ||
| My husband is so fucking strong-minded. | ||
| This motherfucker went on a 40-day water. | ||
| Just pure water. | ||
| I was like, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| Well, you can't live on just water food. | ||
| He dropped so much weight just on water and went to work every day. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| That's what I told him. | ||
| I said, it's some stupid fucker on YouTube that told him he can live off water. | ||
| I was like, look at your fucking titties. | ||
| They're fucking just gone. | ||
| You need to eat something. | ||
| 40 days of no eating? | ||
| He went 40 days of no eating. | ||
| Did you drink juice? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| He didn't even brush his fucking teeth. | ||
| He brushed it with water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There had to be supplements or some kind of... | |
| No, he didn't. | ||
| I'm telling you, he lived on water. | ||
| Well, let's see. | ||
| How many days do you think it says online? | ||
| I'm not saying his story's not true, but if you Google... | ||
| I can call him and you can ask him. | ||
| No, I believe him, but I'm saying how many days do you think it says online that you could only drink water before you die? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did a 10-day water lemon fast where I couldn't... | |
| No, he didn't do no lemon. | ||
| He did all the water. | ||
| Brian, how many days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would say you could live to be 30 days with just water and maybe some stuff. | |
| I think it's 21. You'd be dead like the last two weeks. | ||
| I think that's like, isn't that the story behind Drunken and Afraid? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Not Drunken and Afraid, Naked and Afraid. | ||
| Don't they say that? | ||
| Like it's 21 days is the day? | ||
| Okay, let's find out. | ||
| Can you live off only water? | ||
| We'll go to Yahoo Answers. | ||
| It says, depending upon your body fat, the average person can go from a week to one month or so without food. | ||
| So this guy went 40 days. | ||
| He probably hit the boundaries of what's possible. | ||
| He was shaking so bad. | ||
| And I was like, can you please fucking eat? | ||
| How are you just going to down me? | ||
| I don't even know where the policy is. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had to do some kind of supplement. | |
| Okay, there's a hunger strike Wikipedia page. | ||
| Apparently you could live as many as 74 days. | ||
| That's the longest a person's ever gone with just having water. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hunger striker is dying after 52 to 74 days. | ||
| So 74 is a big one. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gandhi apparently went through a bunch of hunger strikes. | ||
| I didn't know Gandhi was alive so long ago. | ||
| It was 1922. The only way I can go on a hunger strike is if they shut down all the Chick-fil-A's. | ||
| Do you get mad on Sunday? | ||
| Why does Chick-fil-A have to be so religious that can't be open on Sunday? | ||
| Well, by that time, I don't fucking soak all of that crap into my body so much. | ||
| I love Chick-fil-A so much, I made my son get his first job there so we can get a discount. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was, um, there's certain people that are famous hunger strikers, apparently. | ||
| A guy who fasted to death, his name is, uh, boy, try to pronounce his name, J-A-T-I-N Das, D-A-S. Jatin Das, maybe? | ||
| Um, it was 116th day of his fast, they gave up their hunger strike, surpassing the 97-day world record for hunger strikes, which was led by an Irish revolutionary. | ||
| So apparently you can fucking do that. | ||
| You can not eat for 40 days like your husband did. | ||
| He's crazy though. | ||
| Like he was probably on death's door. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He was so fucking weak. | ||
| And he went to work and worked. | ||
| My husband built the transmission for Allison Transmission. | ||
| That's a crazy way to decide to lose weight. | ||
| I mean, he just wanted to cleanse his body. | ||
| Of cells. | ||
| But you know, his skin turns so pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found him because he's about to die. | |
| His skin's skin changed? | ||
| Yeah, it became super smooth. | ||
| How many days into his fat? | ||
| I didn't really, because I traveled. | ||
| At that time, I was traveling a lot. | ||
| So, you know, I come home and I was like, God damn, you're losing a lot of weight, dude. | ||
| Then I found him on a fucking water fast. | ||
| I was like, you need to fucking eat. | ||
| Yeah, did he ever get to a point where you were worried about him falling asleep driving? | ||
| No, not really falling asleep driving. | ||
| I was worried about him fucking. | ||
| He was always cold. | ||
| So I was like, you cold, you about to die. | ||
| What the fuck are you going to leave me here with these children for? | ||
| I got to do gigs. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So then after 40 days he starts eating? | ||
| He starts eating. | ||
| And what did he eat? | ||
| He started to, like, fruit. | ||
| He went into fruit first. | ||
| He's real gentle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's gotta be a big shock to your system. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he said. | ||
| He didn't want to shock his system. | ||
| He does his shit all the time. | ||
| He don't go that long anymore. | ||
| He might go 20 days, 15 days. | ||
| Whoa, really? | ||
| I've heard of people doing like six days of juice. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You want me to call him and ask him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Listen, I'm not questioning. | ||
| I'm just saying I don't know anybody who's ever done that. | ||
| That's a very extreme dude. | ||
| He's just like that. | ||
| I tell you, he used to smoke cigarettes and nobody knows this. | ||
| And he just stopped. | ||
| And he started back one time when I got arrested. | ||
| He went to court with me when I was getting my life together and I needed my driver's license. | ||
| And the judge said, you have $5,000 worth of traffic tickets. | ||
| How you want to pay this? | ||
| And so my husband was like, your honor, I can only get $500 out during the day. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He said, well, you got to go get some money. | ||
| We're going to lock her ass up. | ||
| He started back smoking because he never been to jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That's the hardest one, probably quitting smoking. | ||
| No, he went cold turkey. | ||
| And after I got out of jail, he stopped. | ||
| He did it again about a week. | ||
| He always do every fucking thing cold turkey. | ||
| Joe, I've been trying to lose weight forever. | ||
| I've tried all the nice shit out there. | ||
| Nutrisystem did work, but I can't afford the shit. | ||
| So now I'm back at my X-Lax diet because that's really cheap. | ||
| X-Lax diet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the X-Lax diet? | ||
| You take it and shit your brains out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| I said it. | ||
| And he gets mad at me because I do X-Lax and I get mad at him because he do water. | ||
| Yeah, I think X-Lax is probably worse for you than water. | ||
| I know, I do the mild form. | ||
| The mild form of X-Lax? | ||
| But I mean, all that's due, it's a diuretic, right? | ||
| I mean, what does it do? | ||
| It makes me shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Off pounds. | ||
| Like if I can eat a cheeseburger and I really want to get rid of this cheeseburger. | ||
| It blows right through you? | ||
| It blows right through me. | ||
| It's the po' bitch diet, okay? | ||
| That is not a way to do it. | ||
| I know, Joe, but sometimes I can't resist Chick-fil-A. I like coffee, and I really can't drink coffee because I got sensitive nipples. | ||
| Coffee makes my nipples really sore. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Coffee makes your nipples sore? | ||
| Caffeine fucks my breasts up. | ||
| I got caffeine breasts. | ||
| I'm called caffeine breasts. | ||
| And women out there who's listening, they know I'm telling the truth. | ||
| So this is a common term? | ||
| Caffeine breasts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| When you drink too much caffeine, it fucks with your titties. | ||
| So I just went and had a mammogram on just my left titty two weeks ago. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because I had too much caffeine. | ||
| So when I lay off the caffeine, my breast stopped being soaked. | ||
| But I like Chick-fil-A coffee. | ||
| Fibrocystic breast changes. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| See, that's the medical term. | ||
| Yeah, fibrocystic breast changes. | ||
| God damn it, you Google everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I'm constantly curious. | ||
| Yeah, pain or discomfort in both breasts. | ||
| Pain goes with the period but can last through the entire month. | ||
| Breasts feel full, swollen, and heavy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And caffeine does that to my breasts. | ||
| Well, my nipples are hard to set in the bra after wrapping in tissue paper. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| But coffee fucks me up, but I love it. | ||
| Some women get it from eating chocolate, drinking caffeine, or eating high-fat foods. | ||
| It causes their symptoms. | ||
| But according to this medical page, there's no clear proof of what's causing it. | ||
| When I come off of caffeine, my titties start being sore. | ||
| Honestly, I know my titties. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| Fibrocystic breast changes. | ||
| Fibrocystic breast. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| Painful, lumpy breasts. | ||
| Yes, lumpy. | ||
| And it almost makes you feel like you feel a lump. | ||
| So I went in two weeks ago and I was like, I'm very paranoid because breast cancer runs in my family. | ||
| On my daddy's side. | ||
| So I was like, just check my damn titties so my doctor knows that I'm a comedian. | ||
| You say it that way to your doctor? | ||
| Yes, I say any fucking thing to my doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I fucking love my doctor. | ||
| Like when he's giving me a gynecology visit, I be like... | ||
| How do this Blue Cross Blue Shield pussy look, Doc? | ||
| So they gave me a mammogram on one breast. | ||
| It's like, you don't have any fucking lumps. | ||
| Lay off the damn coffee. | ||
| Oh, that's all it is. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Is there anything that does that to your dick? | ||
| Do you have fibrocystic dick cells? | ||
| When you're a woman and you turn about 40, your body's like a 64 Chevy. | ||
| You must repair that bitch. | ||
| Like, honestly, since we're friends now, I tell you. | ||
| So when I turned 40, my cycle came on one day and wouldn't go off. | ||
| So I had to go in there. | ||
| I don't know the medical term, but I know you're going to Google it. | ||
| They have to burn the inside of your vagina. | ||
| Oh, good Lord. | ||
| And they burnt my vagina, Joe. | ||
| And they were beatboxing for like three weeks. | ||
| It didn't hurt. | ||
| So I called my doctor. | ||
| I was like, my pussy is singing. | ||
| Can you stop my pussy from singing? | ||
| So it was like air? | ||
| No, it was healing. | ||
| It was healing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So in the healing it was popping? | ||
| It sounded like it was making music. | ||
| What kind of healing was going on there? | ||
| I don't know, but it was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. | ||
| I could almost feel it in my stomach. | ||
| And my doctor knew I'm a comedian. | ||
| And I was like, I'm a serious doctor and my pussies beatboxing. | ||
| So I go up there and he said it was healing. | ||
| So essentially they had a cauterize? | ||
| Is that the term you use? | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| So you were bleeding so much that they had to go in there and... | ||
| They either do two things. | ||
| They either burn the inside of you or they give you a hit the rectum. | ||
| And I didn't want a hysterectomy. | ||
| So there was no other way to stop the bleeding? | ||
| No. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| They just break down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We use it so much. | |
| That's a crazy feeling. | ||
| They burnt the inside of you to cool everything off. | ||
| Not to cool it off. | ||
| To stop the flow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, there's extra things that women have to worry about. | ||
| Breast cancer is one. | ||
| Like, they say dudes get breast cancer, but, you know, I'm like, name one. | ||
| All y'all got to worry about is drop penises. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And then they, yeah, soft wieners. | ||
| Yeah, but they fix that. | ||
| They have pills for that. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't have anything for broken titties and broken vaginas. | ||
| You know, dry assholes. | ||
| I know people get their vaginas tightened up. | ||
| I've heard that's unbelievably painful though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they go in there and fucking, you know, a woman's had a few kids and their vagina's all blown out. | ||
| It doesn't blow it out. | ||
| It's still got some grip. | ||
| You gotta use your stomach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Depends. | |
| Depends on the woman. | ||
| Depends on the woman. | ||
| I know what you're saying, but there's realities about the shape of the body, like stretch marks. | ||
| A lot of that's genetic. | ||
| Some people get stretch marks. | ||
| Some people do not. | ||
| Beyonce don't have any, does she? | ||
| No. | ||
| Probably got just crazy genes. | ||
| Some people, they stretch way the fuck out and have a kid and it all goes right back into place. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And then some people, one kid and they're Dunsville. | ||
| The whole thing, the whole package is just done. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like someone just drove a truck through a water balloon. | ||
| My daughter-in-law is like that. | ||
| I was like, don't have a baby because this baby is going to fuck up your figure. | ||
| I said, you young girls need to stop fucking trying to be mamas. | ||
| Take your body and abuse them. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
| Have a baby when you're fucking in your late 30s before it's about to dry out. | ||
| Don't give a man an opportunity to fuck up your flat stomach. | ||
| But what if she wants a baby more than she wants a flat stomach? | ||
| She had a fucking baby. | ||
| Now she's fat. | ||
| And she's fucking all out of shape. | ||
| And she's still trying to wear that sexy shit. | ||
| And I'm like, no, boo-boo. | ||
| Take them whole shorts off. | ||
| It's not gonna work. | ||
| You missed your opportunity. | ||
| I told you don't let my fucking son get you pregnant. | ||
| Oh, no, boo-boo. | ||
| Take that whole shit off. | ||
| Take that whole shit out. | ||
| I told you not to let my son get you pregnant. | ||
| Holy shit, that's funny. | ||
| There was a thing in the news the other day where ages 18 to 24 are twice as likely to get vaginal surgery than most women. | ||
| I guess it's really popular with the young kids now to get the Barbie cut where they chop off all the lips and everything so it's just the line. | ||
| Oh, labia surgery, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Who doing that? | ||
| Who want a lipless pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the porn. | |
| People are trying to get the porn look. | ||
| That must be exactly what it is. | ||
| These kids are crazy. | ||
| Everybody wanted their lips. | ||
| What is vagina lips called? | ||
| Labia. | ||
| Labia? | ||
| Labia. | ||
| Labia? | ||
| Everybody wanted their labia. | ||
| I only read it. | ||
| I never say it. | ||
| Who would cut their vaginally apart? | ||
| What's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it. | ||
| I mean, the panty line is there to catch it after it falls, but it's got to run down the sides. | ||
| Meat curtains. | ||
| Meat curtains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it is pornography, though. | ||
| Because you think about pornography, it's so bright and visual. | ||
| If you've got a camera, if you're having sex with someone, there's a lot of stuff going on, right? | ||
| There are faces in your face, you're kissing, you're touching each other. | ||
| But if you're watching a porn, a lot of times they're just showing you the insertion. | ||
| They're showing you the dick and the vagina, they're showing you the body parts, they're showing you things moving, and you're concentrating on this one particular area. | ||
| And you can decide for whatever reason that that's what you got to focus on. | ||
| You need to trim up your fucking yard. | ||
| You can clean your hedges so it looks like these videos. | ||
| Well, you know what, Joe? | ||
| I got stomachs sitting on my vagina. | ||
| I ain't seen it since the 90s. | ||
| So maybe I don't know what's going on down there. | ||
| Maybe I need some, what is it called, Batman pussy too. | ||
| Good God Almighty. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you need it. | ||
| No, I don't need it, Joe. | ||
| Nobody needs that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Plus, some guys like it. | ||
| Like Jim Norton, he's always talking about, he loves big pussy lips. | ||
| It drives him crazy that women get that fixed. | ||
| Some famous porn star, I think her name was Houston, she did something with her vagina lips, like she sold them or something like that. | ||
| Sold your vagina lips? | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Yeah, there was something crazy. | ||
| God, I'm trying to remember the story. | ||
| I think she got surgery and then she did something with it. | ||
| She was also one of the first people to ever do a gangbang. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| No, she wasn't. | ||
| We saw that shit in the hood all the time when Craig first came out. | ||
| Joe, come on. | ||
| I mean in a porn. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Getting paid. | ||
| One of those giant ones, like 500 people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She let 500 people have sex? | ||
| See, this is the thing. | ||
| They say it's 500 people, but it's really like 60 people and they fuck her a bunch of times. | ||
| They go through the line and they keep going and they act like a new guy. | ||
| I think some of them have actually gone. | ||
| I think I've heard of that. | ||
| I'm not into porn. | ||
| I'm not into porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It was Houston. | ||
| She sold her labia for $50,000. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And what did somebody do? | ||
| Bomb and suck on them for skin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like a silky blanket. | |
| How long will it last? | ||
| $50,000. | ||
| How long is it good for? | ||
| Is it in its freezer somewhere? | ||
| He's probably had it dried out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like eating beef jerky. | |
| Beef jerky vagina. | ||
| I need to call and tell my daughter that. | ||
| She might like that. | ||
| Is there a photo of said labia? | ||
| No, I don't want to see no sub labias. | ||
| I just don't understand. | ||
| Is there a before and after picture of a pussy? | ||
| If there's not, that's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's just reportedly. | |
| Okay, so it could be bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It could be fake. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm more for the women who are trying to keep Dales, you know, just wearing a vagina jacket. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| It's got to be that. | ||
| It's got to be the porn. | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| I mean, think about fake breasts. | ||
| Fake breasts are so common. | ||
| You know, the other thing, I did K-Rock the other day, and they brought up... | ||
| Korean women who win, like Miss Korea, you know? | ||
| Miss Korea, they look exactly the same. | ||
| Like, pull up. | ||
| Pull up, there's an image. | ||
| All those women look the same anyway, Joe. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| This is way crazy. | ||
| Because it's all about plastic surgery. | ||
| They get a very specific type of look by plastic surgery. | ||
| And it's super, super, super common amongst Korean women. | ||
| So who wins? | ||
| All of them? | ||
| But that's what's crazy. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense because they look exactly the same. | ||
| So over the years, like, so think of how many, look at this, plastic surgery blamed for making all Miss Korea contestants look alike. | ||
| Look at what these women look like. | ||
| They look exactly the same. | ||
| Like, you could have photos of any one of them doing something and then tell the police and the other one will be charged for the crime. | ||
| I mean, look at what they look like. | ||
| I mean, I don't like generalizations. | ||
| You say, oh, everybody looks the same. | ||
| Well, maybe to you, you racist fuck. | ||
| No, those girls look exactly the same. | ||
| And what they're doing is apparently... | ||
| They're going and getting a very specific type of surgery, and they shape their face to a very specific way. | ||
| And they do it with their chin, and they do it with their eyes, and they do it with their noses. | ||
| And when it's all said and done... | ||
| They look like the same fucking person with a different hair, dude. | ||
| Very close, at least. | ||
| Very close. | ||
| I mean, really close. | ||
| When it's all said and done, they're almost exactly the same. | ||
| How do you know they wasn't born like that? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's a lot of before and afters. | ||
| This is a real common problem. | ||
| I wouldn't say common. | ||
| I wouldn't say a problem, rather. | ||
| It's a cultural issue in Korea. | ||
| That's a good thing. | ||
| Their plastic surgery has run rampant. | ||
| Because if you don't want to have sex with your wife, you send one of them over there. | ||
| And when, what does that mean? | ||
| Oh, so if you don't want to have sex with your husband. | ||
| Yeah, your husband. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Yeah, you look just like that. | ||
| Just send your husband. | ||
| Yeah, but you got... | ||
| Why you go out with your boyfriend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He sticks it in there and he realizes, like, this one's tighter. | |
| This one's got that extra work done down there. | ||
| No, men don't know. | ||
| This is not my wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is going on here? | ||
| Unless he thinks that she had something done. | ||
| But it's just, it's very strange that they're all adopting this uniform look. | ||
| That's scary to me, you know? | ||
| That's a scary... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a before and after of one. | |
| You can see... | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, she looks very actually... | |
| Fuck, she needed it. | ||
| She like a little boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she needed it. | |
| They should do that, Joe. | ||
| She looks like the karate kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you could tell, the big thing that they're getting is what's been quoted as the anime eye. | |
| If you look at the eyes, they're very big. | ||
| They're kind of stretched open. | ||
| How do they stretch their eyes out? | ||
| They cut the lids. | ||
| They change the lids. | ||
| They change the shape of the lid. | ||
| They go in there and they take a pie slice out, pull that bitch together, and their eyes are like this. | ||
| That's what they do to people when they get older, too. | ||
| I know a dude who did that, has eyes done, like to get your eyes done, and all of a sudden you're like this. | ||
| It's nothing like seeing a dude looking like an old-ass woman with plastic surgery, isn't there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kenny Rogers. | |
| Have you seen him lately? | ||
| It is the creepiest thing ever. | ||
| He's like on a commercial right now. | ||
| I've never seen Kenny Rogers. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| You know who Kenny Rogers is? | ||
| I fucking like Countryman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, do you ever see what he looks like now? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, let me see. | ||
| I haven't seen him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, poor guy. | ||
| He's pretty open about it, I think. | ||
| He's had conversations about it, talked about how he fucked up. | ||
| I mean, you kind of have to talk about how you fucked up when you look like this because it's so obvious. | ||
| Well, Joan Rivers had a lot of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not a bad picture, dude. | ||
| In that picture, he kind of looks normal. | ||
| That's a bad picture. | ||
| That's a bad picture. | ||
| Get a good one. | ||
| Because there's some good ones that are really shocking. | ||
| Just pull up Kenny Rogers' bad plastic surgery, and you'll get some good ones. | ||
| I was on the beach the other day, and this dude caught a manta ray. | ||
| You know what a manta ray is? | ||
| And he pulls it in from the water. | ||
| And it's in Malibu, and there's all these rich people that have houses there, and they think they can tell people what to do for whatever reason. | ||
| So the dude had already released the manta. | ||
| He caught it and released it. | ||
| You know, they were trying to catch fish, and they just caught this manta ray accidentally. | ||
| And so he's releasing it, and this lady comes running. | ||
| Because this other lady was like, you know, they're doing this. | ||
| They're torturing that animal. | ||
| They pulled it out of the ocean. | ||
| And this chick comes running to tell them what to do. | ||
| And when I tell you that she looked like a monster, like, I am not exaggerating. | ||
| She looked like a monster. | ||
| I mean, this poor lady, I felt bad. | ||
| Like, she had done so much to herself. | ||
| It was like her face had been so pulled back. | ||
| The guys who are listening are podcast fans. | ||
| The guys who caught the fish, so they're probably listening to it right now. | ||
| They were talking to me before, so I assume, if you know who you are, what's up? | ||
| Nice guys. | ||
| You know, regular-looking, young, tattooed-up dudes who are out there fishing, and they caught this big-ass manta ray. | ||
| But this lady came running, and when I saw her, as she approached him, I had a visual, I mean, like a visible, like I felt a tangible, like, quiver. | ||
| Like, I saw her. | ||
| I made the visual contact. | ||
| Like, my eyes hit her face. | ||
| Like, who fucked up your face? | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| And not only that, she's in this crazy-ass fucking multi-million dollar beach house. | ||
| You know, those beach houses in Malibu are ridiculous, man. | ||
| And he's off somewhere cheating with somebody whose eyes are not wide open while they sleep. | ||
| He's probably just Xanax the fuck out, just trying to deal with her. | ||
| And him. | ||
| And his own life. | ||
| He's probably a mess, too. | ||
| I don't know who he was or who she was, but it was the arrogance of this crazy lady running up to these guys. | ||
| She goes, guys, throw it back. | ||
| Throw it back. | ||
| Like, you could keep a manta ray and eat it if you wanted to. | ||
| Nobody could stop you. | ||
| And it's like, look out there. | ||
| That's the ocean. | ||
| Like, that's really fucking big. | ||
| Like, this idea that this guy on the side is going to do anything to the population of the manta rays. | ||
| Like, That's not how animals die. | ||
| They die because of giant nets that they pull amongst these huge boats, and they pull them out of it. | ||
| That's what's overfishing. | ||
| It's not a dude on the rocks pulling some... | ||
| But in her idea, in her mind, she was going to tell this dude. | ||
| Put Dementory up. | ||
| But I felt so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Manta rays are cute, though. | |
| They're kind of different. | ||
| They're a unique species. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're kind of cool. | ||
| But, you know, you ever had skate, like, at a restaurant? | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| What is skate? | ||
| Skate is a manta ray. | ||
| It's a type of ray. | ||
| Yeah, that thing there. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't that one. | ||
| That was not the one that he caught. | ||
| It was like a stingray. | ||
| It had, like, one... | ||
| I don't know what kind of ray it was. | ||
| It was cool looking. | ||
| But he let it go immediately. | ||
| He had already let it go when this lady came running over. | ||
| But she just had such a monster face. | ||
| That pulled, tight monster face is so scary. | ||
| I'm going to take this manta ray and beat the hell out of you if you don't get off this beach. | ||
| Loose your face up. | ||
| They'd call the police so fast. | ||
| They probably have... | ||
| I don't know how they do it, but you know, there's Kenny Rogers. | ||
| That's a good, bad picture of him. | ||
| Why do you say it's bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his eyes and his nose. | |
| He looks like he's high as fuck. | ||
| He might be in California. | ||
| That's not a good one, though. | ||
| There's some other ones where it just looks really awful. | ||
| I've seen one comparison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think this one's a good one, too, maybe? | |
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Holy fuck! | ||
| He looking crazy! | ||
| That cannot be no Kenny Rogers. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| That's his daddy. | ||
| No, it's him. | ||
| They changed the shape of his face. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| And it doesn't make you look better, either. | ||
| It just makes you look different. | ||
| And not in a good difference. | ||
| His eyes is wide open. | ||
| You can't shoot that shit in your face either, man. | ||
| That thing that everyone's doing where they're putting filler in their face. | ||
| Not just Botox, but filler. | ||
| The black girls are putting it in their ass. | ||
| So many transgenders have died. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Put them stuffing things in their ass? | ||
| No, you haven't heard about it? | ||
| Google it. | ||
| People was telling they was giving them butt shots, but they was putting fucking cork. | ||
| Corking oil. | ||
| Corking oil in their ass. | ||
| I know so many black girls with fake booties. | ||
| That's a meme right now. | ||
| That's a photo with some captions on it for sure. | ||
| Yeah, when that shit harden up, ain't nothing they can do with that crap. | ||
| They can't go in and cut it out. | ||
| No! | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't let nobody shoot no fucking Home Depot stuff in my booty. | ||
| Well, some women that had their lips done back in the day, they're scarred for life. | ||
| There was this poor lady that used to live down the street from me, and she had, like, she'd talk to you, and she had a line, like, right here, from here to here. | ||
| A straight line inside her lips from where she had these artificial lips put in. | ||
| And so when she would talk to you, you would see the scar, like the scar in her upper lip. | ||
| It was so distracting. | ||
| It was like, what did you do? | ||
| She probably got it for sexual pleasure. | ||
| She wanted lips like yours. | ||
| She wanted natural ones. | ||
| Couldn't get it. | ||
| I always get compliments on my lips. | ||
| They have beautiful lips. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| You hear that? | ||
| Well, I got... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What? | ||
| Joe said I have beautiful lips. | ||
| They're beautiful. | ||
| That's what white women want. | ||
| They want those plump, juicy lips. | ||
| You know? | ||
| White women, sometimes they'll go drastic measures. | ||
| And they want big asses now. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, they're getting them too. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see that show, was it Botched? | |
| Botched? | ||
| Where it's all plastic. | ||
| I was watching one last night where the woman got the fake butt and it started to, it popped or something like that and started going into her leg and her, and her, and stuff. | ||
| And they couldn't get it out because it started growing with the muscles. | ||
| It started attaching the muscles so they couldn't take it out. | ||
| And so she just decided to get another one put in there and then that one didn't take because there was, it was just all fucked up. | ||
| What was she getting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Butt implants. | |
| And then she could just flip them. | ||
| Like she would sit down and would flip upside down and stuff like that. | ||
| Like reverse. | ||
| I saw that on Facebook. | ||
| I saw that lady. | ||
| She'd just flip her ass inside out and it was a bad job. | ||
| And I was like, as long as the ass is sticking the right way, it's not a bad job. | ||
| How low are your standards? | ||
| Yeah, no, it's a bad job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you could flip it around, what are you, a spokesperson for the surgeons? | |
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, but when it was turned the right way, the ass was nice and curvy. | ||
| When it flipped over, it looked like a plate that was upside down in our ass. | ||
| But could you imagine what it feels like if you grab that thing? | ||
| Like you're wrestling with something, like a fish is underneath the surface. | ||
| I mean, it can't be no different than sucking fake tits. | ||
| I got to grab a girl's butt at a strip club in Dayton, Ohio, and it felt just like boobs on your butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But hers, she got the really big ones, the ones that were the size of basketballs. | |
| And so it was just like jelly. | ||
| She was white? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very jelly. | |
| She probably went too far. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| Everybody goes too far. | ||
| It's like some women can get breast jobs, and they just get a little bit of an enlargement, and it looks great. | ||
| And then other women get crazy, and they get those basketballs put in. | ||
| And you're like, oh. | ||
| And then they have back problems and they look stupid. | ||
| They look stupid. | ||
| And then the little cleavage sag. | ||
| I'm just going to keep it what I got. | ||
| I'm going to keep the same man, Joe. | ||
| I don't have time to be fucking cutting off my Libyus, my vagina lips, or your skin lips, whatever you want to call it. | ||
| Because that stuff is going to dry your vagina. | ||
| You're never going to have a wet vagina without having those lips, you dumb half man. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| So the lips like help? | ||
| Well, it helps keep some moisture in there. | ||
| Moisture in there. | ||
| Keep the shit wet. | ||
| I'm learning a lot. | ||
| There's a lot of things I didn't know. | ||
| Yeah, so I can't do all that. | ||
| I don't want to pull my neck back, my eyes back. | ||
| I mean, you know you're going to get old. | ||
| Shit is going to stop working. | ||
| That's why God gave you hand. | ||
| When my husband ain't working no more, I just unstick his balls and we keep it moving. | ||
| We watch the news and go to bed. | ||
| You know what I think? | ||
| I think that also when people are doing their early adopters, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like the people that got the original boob jobs, like those they leaked and there's silicone and the poor people got sick. | ||
| Remember how many people got lupus and all these diseases? | ||
| I knew a girl got lupus from her breast job. | ||
| She had a leaky breast job and she got lupus. | ||
| She was all fucked up. | ||
| Her immune system was jacked. | ||
| But now, they have a down where it's very few reactions, it's a different feel to it. | ||
| Like you were talking about, it's like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gummy bear boobs. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They feel like a real breast. | ||
| They feel like really firm, real breasts. | ||
| And I think that in the future, and not so far away either, they're going to be able to give you injections that make a woman's breast grow. | ||
| Like, they're going to be able to grow natural breasts. | ||
| Well, everybody, breasts ain't, you know, I think if you don't have breasts and shit, it's probably hereditary. | ||
| Go back down the line, you got a bunch of flat-breasted unts and shit. | ||
| You're not supposed to have titties. | ||
| I remember when I wanted breasts, and Mike, so Mike, I remember as a little girl, somebody was like, if you rub butter on your titties, they would grow. | ||
| In your ass, they would grow. | ||
| So we went in the refrigerator and took all my mama's butter. | ||
| And we just soaked our chest in butter. | ||
| And I think that's why I got titties today. | ||
| So ladies, don't spend your money at the plastic surgery. | ||
| Just buy some fucking, I can't believe it, not butter. | ||
| Put your two boobs in there and soak them overnight and see if they grow in two weeks. | ||
| I'm not sure if that works. | ||
| I don't know either, but look at me. | ||
| I'm rocking a 44 double D. With grease up under it. | ||
| Apparently, there's a lot of people who've been working at this. | ||
| They've been trying to do this for a long time, and there's a bunch of ways that can kind of help a little bit, but they're not really ready to grow tits yet. | ||
| But you know what someone brought up the other day that made a lot of sense? | ||
| They were saying that when a man becomes a woman, when he becomes transgender, becomes a woman, they start taking estrogen shots, and a lot of times they grow natural breasts. | ||
| They do! | ||
| I got a son who eat too much McDonald's and he got nice size 8 cups. | ||
| That's on the same note. | ||
| Yes it is! | ||
| He's overweight. | ||
| So they should gain weight and grow tits. | ||
| No. | ||
| It might not work. | ||
| It might work, but it might not work. | ||
| What they're saying is that they can give a man injections and he starts growing natural boobs. | ||
| Wouldn't they be able to give a woman estrogen and would that make her breasts grow? | ||
| Then it probably fuck us up because we already produced estrogen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It makes it crazy. | |
| Yeah, we probably go crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too much women in here. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's an overflow moment. | ||
| You come home and this bitch is cooking the cat. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want to do that. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking problems, apparently, with silicone and breast implants. | ||
| Particularly the silicone gel can cause connective tissue or autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus, neurological disorders, cancer, even new silicone-related diseases that didn't exist before breast enhancement surgery. | ||
| So you got nice tits but can't open your hands. | ||
| This girl was all fucked up that had lupus. | ||
| She was a mess. | ||
| Those autoimmune diseases like that, like lupus, are no joke. | ||
| Is there any plastic surgery that you would get? | ||
| You know what I think, man? | ||
| I think we're so close to them being able to figure out how to do stuff without it. | ||
| Like, I don't need plastic surgery. | ||
| I'm beautiful, perfect as I am. | ||
| But I've had it. | ||
| I had hair transplants when I was younger, obviously. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| My hair was falling out, and I was trying to fight against it. | ||
| So you had hair transplant, but you don't got no hair now? | ||
| Now I shave it. | ||
| I should have shaved it from the beginning. | ||
| So now you're shaving your transplants? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You waste fucking money, Joe. | ||
| You waste money. | ||
| That's one way to look at it. | ||
| Yo, white people, stop getting hair transplant. | ||
| All you got to do is go to the hood and get something called a quick weave. | ||
| A quick weave? | ||
| Yes, it's a whole, what you watching on my head. | ||
| It's a whole head of hair for $50. | ||
| Listen, that's not going to work with me. | ||
| I do jujitsu. | ||
| Like, I'm getting choked and stuff. | ||
| No, they done got it. | ||
| Like, this shit is sold up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not anymore. | |
| White dudes are not allowed to get weaves. | ||
| It's just too pathetic. | ||
| Well, they go around with the toupees that be shaking and shit, and we can tell it's fake. | ||
| They should get that off. | ||
| Yeah, they don't need those. | ||
| Shave their head. | ||
| I know a guy who works at the Lowe's in my area. | ||
| He got one, and it's fucking horrible. | ||
| It makes him look like a child molester. | ||
| I'd be like, you look like you killed babies, dude. | ||
| You take that ugly ass wig off your head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you tell it to him? | |
| No, but I don't like it. | ||
| He creeps me out. | ||
| Because, you know, it's nothing like seeing somebody with a bad weave when you wear weave. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you have a good one, and him having a bad one is offensive to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's bad for the whole weave community? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like when John Travolta wears his beautiful one and he goes on the Academy Awards, are you like, that's a respectable weave? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, it's gotta look good. | ||
| The problem is it's glued to your head. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| This is sewn in. | ||
| Sewn in. | ||
| Sewn in. | ||
| Yeah, but if a dude's bald, like if you're always bald, like I have stubble up here, but it was all just... | ||
| It was going. | ||
| It was gone. | ||
| The party was over. | ||
| What happens is they take hair from the back of your head where it's never going to fall out and they move it to the top. | ||
| The joke was that it's like taking a bunch of really healthy people and you move into a neighborhood where everybody's dying. | ||
| That's what it's like when you have hair. | ||
| You don't think about that. | ||
| Did your transplants die? | ||
| No, they stayed. | ||
| They stuck around. | ||
| They're the new residents. | ||
| So do they grow now? | ||
| Yeah, they grow. | ||
| But the old hair that used to be there along with the transplants, that shit all falls out eventually. | ||
| So when you grow hair, what do it look like? | ||
| I have enough hair to grow my hair out and not look like I have cancer, but it's pretty close. | ||
| It was going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was on its way. | |
| It was getting thinner. | ||
| It was like cotton candy-er. | ||
| It was getting older. | ||
| It was falling out more and more. | ||
| My husband was like that. | ||
| And it was annoying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what they still do now? | |
| It's easier to just shave it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they do it now. | ||
| They do what they call single follicle. | ||
| So they take like one hair at a time. | ||
| They'll take it from there and put it up there. | ||
| But the bottom line is you only have so much hair back here. | ||
| And especially if you go full Ronald McDonald. | ||
| Like if your hair goes bald like way back to the edge. | ||
| Imagine taking that little edge and trying to populate your entire head. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| You don't have enough hair. | ||
| So then they figured out how to clone hair. | ||
| And that's what they're working on now. | ||
| They're working on cloning hair. | ||
| But at the same time, they're also working on some other shit that'll just genetically, they'll be able to inject it in your skin and it'll grow hair like crazy. | ||
| They're pretty close to being able to figure that out because it's some sort of a giant multi-multi-billion dollar industry. | ||
| Dudes losing their hair. | ||
| But if I could give anybody any advice from someone who's already shaved your head, shave your fucking head! | ||
| You're sexy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you! | |
| My husband lost his hair, too. | ||
| He was trying to hold on to that shit. | ||
| It's so freeing, and I truly do not give a fuck. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all anymore. | ||
| My hair used to fuck with me when it was falling out, because I was thinking about shaving it, but I wasn't sure if I needed to just jump in and do it. | ||
| But once I did it, I was like, oh, God, yeah. | ||
| Once I did it, I was like, oh, this is so much better. | ||
| My husband used to have the kid and play fade, but he had that hole in the middle. | ||
| That's a sad hole. | ||
| I was like, can you fucking get this goddamn teacup hole off the top of your head, let it go, and look like a bottle top opener. | ||
| What did you want him to do with it? | ||
| Cut the shit off! | ||
| He was losing his hair. | ||
| It was thinning. | ||
| And it was like, it would grow around to fade, but it had a hole in the top. | ||
| So he was good until he went, what the fuck? | ||
| You know, it looked like he was keeping a little safe on top of his head. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about poor Jason Alexander decided at like 50-something years old to wear a toupee out of nowhere. | ||
| I don't know Jason Alexander, but... | ||
| You don't know Seinfeld? | ||
| The show Seinfeld? | ||
|
unidentified
|
George from Seinfeld. | |
| Do you ever watch Seinfeld? | ||
| No, you're too busy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The little fat dude. | |
| Shooting people and fucking getting arrested. | ||
| Oh no, my husband watched Seinfeld. | ||
| He turned me on to Seinfeld. | ||
| He's like, I don't want to watch this boring ass show. | ||
| And then I watched, I was like, this is a fucking great show. | ||
| It is a fucking great show. | ||
| Yeah, we spent many nights watching Seinfeld. | ||
| Do you know Richard Pryor's story? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| Do you know his story of growing up in a brothel? | ||
| Yeah, but yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Your story's like five times more crazy than Richard Pryor's story. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| I mean, Richard Pryor... | ||
| I didn't turn gay for two weeks. | ||
| I read Richard's book. | ||
| He turned gay for two weeks. | ||
| I was like, holy fuck, Richard? | ||
| Probably more than two weeks. | ||
| Probably more than two weeks. | ||
| It's more likely he did some stuff. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, there's a different time, too. | ||
| If you stop and think about what was going on in the 70s... | ||
| Think about all the people that are allegedly involved in gay shit. | ||
| Well, the brothel, right? | ||
| Yeah, the brothel. | ||
| It's a prostitute house. | ||
| But, you know, you look at, like, allegedly David Bowie and Mick Jagger went gay for a while. | ||
| You know, like, what's his name from The Who? | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Not Roger Daltrey, the other guy. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Townsend. | ||
| Pete Townsend. | ||
| Pete Townsend was gay for a while. | ||
| I just think it's shit when you're in Hollywood. | ||
| You done head out of a vagina. | ||
| You done turned it inside out. | ||
| You done stuck your foot in it. | ||
| You done kicked it across the room. | ||
| You done baked the pussy. | ||
| You done beat the pussy. | ||
| You done banged the pussy. | ||
| You done set it on fire. | ||
| So you're like, well, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to go over and play with this dick and see if I can. | ||
| Not that they're gay. | ||
| They're just trying to do something else. | ||
| I think that's what they do out here just in Hollywood. | ||
| Because in the Midwest, they just keep the same old bitch with the beard who smokes cigarettes and tote babies on their hips. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You got a good point. | ||
| Yeah, I think for a lot of dudes, it probably is that. | ||
| They probably want to just expand their experiences. | ||
| Yeah, it's like getting fingers put in their ass. | ||
| I tell you, let me tell you. | ||
| So I went, I had to do hosting for a dildo party. | ||
| I'm not into dildos. | ||
| How did you get this job? | ||
| They thought I was funny. | ||
| They came to the show, so they're like, come host our dildo party. | ||
| They have a dildo party. | ||
| Yes, and women love this bitch. | ||
| Like stamp traders? | ||
| Hey, they got dicks that do... | ||
| In the comic books? | ||
| Do you know that they got the dick with the suctions on it? | ||
| So you stick it to the toilet and you just have sex with yourself? | ||
| When you finish, you rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher or whatever the fuck you do with it? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I host this dildo party. | ||
| So they give me this little thing and I say, well, what is this? | ||
| She said, well, go home and spice up your relationship. | ||
| So I was like, oh, my fucking relationship could use some spices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| I mean, you've been married for 23 years. | ||
| I mean, what else? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, I was like, well, what do I do with this? | ||
| She was like, this is ball dust. | ||
| She said, you take this feather, you dust these balls, and you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
A what? | |
| Ball dust. | ||
| But it came with a pink feather. | ||
| So, I go home with this ball dust, and I was like, open your leg. | ||
| I got some ball dust. | ||
| And I pulled out this feather, and I was like, if you don't get that gay-ass kid away from my balls... | ||
| He wouldn't participate. | ||
| What if it was black? | ||
| It was a fucking feather. | ||
| It was that feather. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck did you get bald dust? | ||
| You're not putting that shit on my balls. | ||
| Is it because it was pink? | ||
| It turned him off? | ||
| No, I think it was bald dust, period. | ||
| My husband's not going to do all that extra shit. | ||
| Why is pink universally a girl's color? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love pink. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, it's nothing wrong with the color, but I mean, like, yeah, this lighter, this is a pink lighter. | ||
| It's a Hello Kitty lighter, so it's definitely a girl's lighter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my lighter. | |
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| You call them Red Band a girl? | ||
| No, we're just being silly. | ||
| But this is pink. | ||
| Like, why is that color, like, a girl color? | ||
| Why is white universal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's because when you grew up, your mom... | |
| We put you girls in a pink bedroom and bought pink stuff. | ||
| Society told them that. | ||
| It was boys were blue colors, like their bedroom colors were blue. | ||
| It's to determine the sex. | ||
| So when you walk around with an ugly ass baby that was a girl but looked like a boy, you put in pink. | ||
| So people's like, oh, your little boy is cute. | ||
| No, she got on pink as a fucking girl, even though she looked like a boy. | ||
| But how did we figure that out, though? | ||
| How did we figure out pink for a girl? | ||
| Joe, you got to ask the people who started before us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| You're asking Jesus Christ questions. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I'm wondering. | ||
| You're asking Rosa Parks questions. | ||
| Not Rosa Parks. | ||
| Maybe Harriet Tubman questions. | ||
| I don't fucking know how they came up with this shit. | ||
| I got a GD. Let's Google it. | ||
| Let's Google it. | ||
| Why does the color pink be associated with women? | ||
| Probably because it's a soft color. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| But isn't white as well? | ||
| White is my favorite color. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people like white. | ||
| I have a white car. | ||
| It's very pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good for cars. | |
| When I was little, I wanted to be white because I watched the Leave it to Beaver. | ||
| And Beaver Mama was so fucking supportive. | ||
| I wanted that lady for my mama. | ||
| She cooked every day. | ||
| You wasn't called bitches. | ||
| You wasn't shot at. | ||
| I was like, I want this bitch for my mama. | ||
| So I wanted to be white. | ||
| Yeah, pink, they don't know. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| It's most commonly associated with femininity. | ||
| They don't have any idea why. | ||
| There's a bunch of speculation, all different. | ||
| Pink was likely associated with boy babies, as with girl babies at a certain point in time. | ||
| It was just associated with babies. | ||
| We had that picture, remember? | ||
| Of, was it a... | ||
| Which original... | ||
| Was it Theodore Roosevelt dressed as a girl when he was young? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| They used to dress little boys. | ||
| Yeah, pull that picture up because it's so bizarre. | ||
| All of those dudes dressed with wigs on back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, but this is when they were babies. | ||
| They dressed him as a baby, as a girl when he was a baby. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They just did it back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They used to do that. | |
| Back in the day. | ||
| It was normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
High heels were actually made for men and stuff like that. | |
| They used to dress... | ||
| That's why they love them now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's why they love him? | ||
| Now! | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| You can take a gay man, he'd do makeup and hair and dress way better than normal, like a regular female. | ||
| Has that been Snopes? | ||
| Did we ever run that through Snopes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Theodore Roosevelt, supposedly. | |
| That's a boy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, okay. | ||
| No, that's a lie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it says so. | |
| Okay, let's see. | ||
| Roosevelt dressed as a girl debunked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Theodore Roosevelt... | |
| Let's see. | ||
| It wasn't always... | ||
| Wow, it's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's true. | ||
| What? | ||
| That is in an actual... | ||
| It's in the Atlantic. | ||
| The photographs about girls, or boys, rather, dressing up as girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's totally true. | ||
| Wow, that is interesting, man. | ||
| It was 1884. He was two and a half years old, and boys wore dresses until age six or seven, which was also the time of their first haircut. | ||
| Wow, that's so weird. | ||
| Franklin's outfit was considered gender neutral. | ||
| So that outfit, pull that outfit up again. | ||
| That outfit was considered gender neutral at the time. | ||
| What outfit? | ||
| The outfit that he was wearing, where we think it looks like a girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That was gender neutral. | ||
| That was a girl. | ||
| Yeah, look at his little booty shoe and his hair. | ||
| They didn't cut your hair except like Moe style across your face so that you can see where you're going. | ||
| White babies still look like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's on the smithsodian.com where they talk about all the pink and blue stuff. | |
| You really detail. | ||
| Is that detailed? | ||
| I mean, for the Google, between pink and blue, I personally don't give a fuck. | ||
| But I'm learning a lot here. | ||
| I mean, that's fascinating to me. | ||
| It's absolutely fascinating to me. | ||
| I was watching Fox News. | ||
| We talked about this before, about those women that are on Fox News. | ||
| No, not because I believe in them, just because it's fascinating. | ||
| I watch it too. | ||
| I love people that are convinced of anything. | ||
| I want to be convinced of God. | ||
| I watch religious shows. | ||
| I like people convinced there's no God. | ||
| I watch atheist shows. | ||
| I like watching people convinced just to study their patterns. | ||
| But watching Fox News is always fascinating to me because it's like this weird look into another world that I don't ever hang out in. | ||
| I don't know these people. | ||
| But these women are so hot, and they're so leggy. | ||
| There's so much naked legs going on. | ||
| And I was thinking, if a man dressed like that on TV, it would be a fucking... | ||
| It would be a sin. | ||
| Like, you would... | ||
| If a guy dressed even remotely like one of those women on television, it would be front-page news. | ||
| It'd be like, what the fuck has society fallen to? | ||
| So if a man came in with, like, male UPS shorts on, I mean, really tight... | ||
| Yeah, but that's not... | ||
| See, shorts are one thing. | ||
| These women, there's no short. | ||
| There's no pants that you have to pull down. | ||
| You just lift their skirt up and start fucking. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Their vagina is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a tiny little piece of, like, see-through cloth. | |
| They're on Fox! | ||
| They have tiny little dresses on. | ||
| Well, that's what makes people tune in. | ||
| You flipping through the channel and you see a single, holy fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You know, you're going to stop and you don't care what they're saying. | ||
| I mean, look at Sarah Palin. | ||
| They think she's fucking hot. | ||
| Well, she was hotter back in the day. | ||
| She was prettier. | ||
| She's starting to hit the wall, and now it's getting weird. | ||
| I mean, but people think she's hot. | ||
| Yeah, but if you thought she was hot when she was running for president like six years ago, whatever it was, that would be kind of, she was kind of hot back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's more of a power thing also, I think. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Well, it was a fucking God bless America sort of a thing, son. | ||
| First of all, she's a rugged outdoorsman, lives in Alaska, okay? | ||
| Woman's been a hunter her whole life, and she's kind of pretty. | ||
| Bitch can't kill fish. | ||
| Well, you know what she would do, allegedly? | ||
| They would shoot a caribou, and then they would call her for a photo op, and she would get out of her car, they'd hand her the gun, she'd stand down there over the body, they'd take a photo, and she'd hop back in the car and drive off. | ||
| They would shoot an animal just specifically to make her look like a hunter. | ||
| I know what a caribou is. | ||
| You know what a caribou is? | ||
| A deer? | ||
| Yeah, it's a rainbow. | ||
| A reindeer, rather. | ||
| I guessed that, but oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that's what a caribou is. | ||
| You know, when Santa has those reindeer, those are caribou. | ||
| It's in the deer family. | ||
| Caribou didn't come to the ghetto. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They barely come to Alaska. | ||
| You gotta go find them. | ||
| We didn't believe reindeers laying on your house. | ||
| If you was getting gifts and somebody showed up, it was a fucking Santa Claus with a pet bull. | ||
| Did you ever teach your kids about Santa Claus? | ||
| I told him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all bullshit. | |
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| I tell you, when I moved in my white neighborhood, I'm in Walmart one day and my son was talking about getting something for Christmas. | ||
| He was talking about Santa. | ||
| I was like, it ain't no fucking Santa, okay? | ||
| Just tell me what you want and I'll buy it. | ||
| How old was he at the time? | ||
| He probably was like 10. So a white lady in line was like, how dare you not say it to Santa? | ||
| I was like, bitch, he ain't brought me no money. | ||
| Mind your own business, white woman. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You want my son to grow up and believe some nice, fat, chubby, white dude just gonna show up and leave to her? | ||
| I don't even got a fucking chimney. | ||
| I got an electric fly place. | ||
| How the fuck are you gonna get in my house? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| How the fuck is he gonna get in your house? | ||
| He's not gonna get in my house. | ||
| So she's like, don't not tell kids it's not Santa. | ||
| I put up a tree because it's cute. | ||
| Isn't that funny that you have to, like, that has to be told. | ||
| That's a lie that we all agree you have to tell children. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's exciting. | |
| I would catch my stepdaddy now taking my fucking tooth and putting $5 up on there. | ||
| And when I wake up, my mama want to borrow the $5 so she can get high. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I'm like, all these teeth you lost and did no fucking tooth fairy come out and leave you no money? | ||
| Yeah, the Tooth Fairy is the weirdest one. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus. | ||
| What's the other one? | ||
| Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Secretary's Day. | |
| Secretary's Day? | ||
| What the fuck do I got to do with a holiday? | ||
| That's a failed attempt at a joke. | ||
| My mother-in-law won't celebrate Halloween because she's super Christian and that's the devil's birthday. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Your mother-in-law says that? | ||
| Yeah, so she's like, don't buy masks. | ||
| It's demons and masks. | ||
| I'm like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You can't buy masks? | ||
| There's demons and masks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Masks, yeah. | |
| Well, what if it's a mask of, like, you know, Pokeo or something? | ||
| It's a demon. | ||
| You shouldn't have, you shouldn't, like, my mother-in-law, like, you shouldn't have, like, you know how people have those fat elephants and shit on their floor? | ||
| You can't have that because they care as demons. | ||
| Hold up. | ||
| Fat elephants on their floor carry demons? | ||
| What? | ||
| You know how you go in people's house and they have those glass elephants and shit? | ||
| And tigers laying on the floor? | ||
| You've been in black houses with the black leather couch. | ||
| Sculpture, like a sculpture. | ||
| Yeah, that shit. | ||
| You can't have those. | ||
| No, not around my mother-in-law. | ||
| She said that stuff carries demons. | ||
| She's super safe. | ||
| Sculptures carry demons? | ||
| Well, I don't know where she gets this shit from. | ||
| Really read that one. | ||
| That's a tough one. | ||
| Like, you know, someone makes a sculpture, like the Eagle sculpture in San Francisco. | ||
| I mean, that's just like, I grew up, I grew up in, like, my mama had a Jesus picture. | ||
| Every black household had a Jesus Christ and a Model of the King picture. | ||
| You wasn't black if you didn't have those fucking two pictures in your house. | ||
| How come nobody knows who Rosa Parks is? | ||
| Nobody knows what she looks like. | ||
| I got this photo of Rosa Parks mugshot up on the wall, and everybody thinks that it's an Asian lady. | ||
| That's who I thought she was. | ||
| I just don't understand. | ||
| I don't know how that's not a famous person. | ||
| How's that not a famous person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a famous person. | |
| She's a famous person when she told me who she was. | ||
| But how's it not, like, recognizable? | ||
| Like, Martin Luther King, recognizable. | ||
| Malcolm X, recognizable. | ||
| If you saw his photograph... | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| She's probably biracial. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, she's definitely biracial. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just by her coloration. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably better instead of doing that. | ||
| Well, you can do that. | ||
| But it's hard to zoom in on that. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| That's what Rosa Parks looked like. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| So she was... | ||
| She the lady that said no. | ||
| She said, fuck this. | ||
| I'm sitting right here. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| Nobody asked her to move. | ||
| She looked white. | ||
| Nobody asked her to move, but they said they asked her to move. | ||
| I think at that time, she was the tipping point. | ||
| I'm glad I was in those days. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Imagine when they had whites only fountains and shit. | ||
| My daddy always talked about that shit. | ||
| He passed about three years ago when I brought him to Indianapolis to live with me. | ||
| And my daddy really never lived around white people. | ||
| So when my son, all his friends was white. | ||
| So my daddy would say like, Pat, you got to get Gary. | ||
| He out there pulling them little cracker kids on his motorcycle. | ||
| And I'm like, daddy, nobody say that shit anymore. | ||
| He had a slave mentality. | ||
| Well, if you stop and thought about it for a second, like how recent slavery was, it really kind of freaks you out. | ||
| Because that was 1865 they made slavery illegal. | ||
| That is not that long ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| That is not that long ago. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| That's less than 200 years. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| 1865, that's not that long ago. | ||
| If you lived to be 100 years, if you're 100 years old today, that means that in 1914 you were born. | ||
| If you were born in 1914, 100 years before that? | ||
| 1814. Slavery is legal as fuck. | ||
| So that's like two generations, grandfather to father to son. | ||
| If you go back two more generations before that, that's not that many people. | ||
| That's like a woman gives birth to a child, the child gets raised, has children of his own. | ||
| Maybe five generations? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe five generations. | ||
| But the people that are alive? | ||
| Like the patterns of people that are alive, birth to death, birth to death, there's only three. | ||
| Three generations of birth to death. | ||
| And you got, I mean, not a guy giving birth, you know, a woman giving birth to her own child and him giving birth to his own child, but a person living from birth to death, the next person being born birth to death, there's only three. | ||
| That's not that law. | ||
| And that was buying people. | ||
| You could just buy them. | ||
| You could take them. | ||
| You could fuck them. | ||
| You could kill them. | ||
| You could do whatever you wanted. | ||
| There wasn't any laws. | ||
| They were yours. | ||
| They were your property. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would just tell you if you beat them, they'd tell you not to beat them as much. | ||
| I don't fucking know I wasn't around. | ||
| I couldn't imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Could you even imagine? | ||
| Can you imagine owning a person in your backyard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's fucked is when you hear there's just as much slavery today as there was during 1865. If you like looked at the world, the whole world as far as the numbers. | ||
| What about all this sex slave shit going on with the younger kids? | ||
| I heard a lot of those kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They like it. | |
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Well, I will say I liked it, but I don't think those kids liked it. | ||
| He wouldn't let me go home, Joe. | ||
| Of course they don't like it. | ||
| Of course they don't like it. | ||
| Imagine that someone would justify sex slavery. | ||
| Like, look, look, look, there's other problems in the world. | ||
| We have an energy problem, there's global warming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's probably how they look at it. | ||
| Look, you had it bad. | ||
| Your mama didn't have shit. | ||
| Come on over here, suck a few dicks, let me feed you. | ||
| Well, you made it work. | ||
| You were like a person who was... | ||
| I mean, you were sexually molested. | ||
| If you were having sex with a man in his 20s and you were 14 or you were 12 at the time when it first started, you're being sexually molested. | ||
| You made it work. | ||
| But it was good sexually molested. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shouldn't give him credit for that, but... | ||
| It was good? | ||
| Unemployed. | ||
| Unemployed black men can fuck. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| Lord, I hope my husband don't listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awful. | |
| I hope he's not listening, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I really want to see photos of this. | |
| Don't you want to see? | ||
| Because I really want to see what a 12... | ||
| You want to see me getting fucking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| A 12-year-old. | ||
| That's just a meal, bro. | ||
| They're coming to your house. | ||
| You better go to jail, you nasty ass. | ||
| What he means is a 12-year-old that looks like a grown woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I want to see, do you have boobs? | |
| Are you holding a teddy bear and looking back at it? | ||
| Can I show you me at 16? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, yeah, that'll work. | |
| Let me see if I can get this fucking phone. | ||
| I can show you me at 16. You know what was crazy? | ||
| I was a drug dealer on this picture, so my daughter was like, uh, you don't look like I expected you to look. | ||
| And I was like, well, what do you expect? | ||
| You know, gold teeth. | ||
| And I was like, I wasn't fucking up my teeth. | ||
| Is you fucking crazy? | ||
| You know, that was the most, that was the biggest scam in the ghetto. | ||
| Those dentists were putting teeth, gold teeth on those crooked ass black people teeth. | ||
| When they should say, hey dude, take this dope money and get some braces first before you fucking cram these golds on these ragged ass teeth. | ||
| So you be at the club and this motherfucker got teeth in his mouth looking like a piranha, but he gripped out. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Okay, explain that to me because I'm white. | ||
| What is it about gold teeth? | ||
| It's not about gold teeth. | ||
| Black people are flashy. | ||
| We like gold. | ||
| We like shit that shines. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because we want to stand out. | ||
| And I tell you, with black people, we want you to know we got it. | ||
| Because you really, you come from not having it. | ||
| So when you get it, you tell the fucking world. | ||
| Because I was just telling my friends, I said, what is it with black people that'll run out and buy $1,000 jeans and you fucking got a food stamp card but your pocketbook costs $800? | ||
| You know, you gotta get a name brand purse. | ||
| Or you get a knockoff name brand purse for $200 and it ain't even fucking real leather and it don't have no value. | ||
| Just so people can say, I'm toting the Michael Cole, I'm toting the Louis Vuitton. | ||
| Well, we know it's not Louis Vuitton because your fucking car is raggedy and your teeth is crooked and you got a bad weave, bitch, and you got a lot of kids behind you. | ||
| You don't buy a Louis Vuitton if you got four or five kids. | ||
| It don't work like that. | ||
| Them best start at two grand. | ||
| But a Louis Vuitton is not like a Ferrari. | ||
| If you get a fake Louis Vuitton, what happens? | ||
| It doesn't hold shit? | ||
| It holds shit for them and they act like it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| If you have a fake Ferrari, you're not driving very fast. | ||
| Who the fuck got a fake Ferrari? | ||
| Oh, they have fake Ferraris. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They fall apart. | |
| The purses fall apart very fast. | ||
| I bet in China they're making fake Ferraris right now in a goddamn assembly line. | ||
| I bet there's dudes out there that have fake Ferraris that don't even know they have fake Ferraris. | ||
| It's probably totally possible. | ||
| I never heard of a fake Ferrari, but I know buy some fake bags and want to be flashy. | ||
| I was going to get a gold grill when I was a drug dealer, but I had a friend who was like, you're not always going to do this shit, and you have really nice teeth, so why would you fuck them up? | ||
| So if you did get gold teeth, they have to chip out the outside of it and cover it with gold. | ||
| No, what they do is they... | ||
| What they do is they... | ||
| My brother had beautiful teeth. | ||
| I mean, he could have did a fucking Colgate commercial. | ||
| And he went and got a gold. | ||
| And they fucking moved his front teeth and put a gap there so they could push the gold up. | ||
| And he decided, I don't like this shit. | ||
| This country-ass brother of mine put a pin in his mouth and ripped the gold off his teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Ow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he bleed? | |
| No, I didn't bleed. | ||
| My brother was a hillbilly. | ||
| I got two brothers with the same name, and they're not twins. | ||
| Their name is Anthony and Tony, and that's their real fucking name. | ||
| And you know what, Joe, I didn't even know that. | ||
| I didn't even recognize that until my husband was like, Pat, why do your brothers have the same name? | ||
| I was like, my fucking brothers don't have the same name. | ||
| Their name is Anthony and Tony. | ||
| He was like, Pat, that's the same name. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| That is the same name! | ||
| You know what else is the same name? | ||
| What? | ||
| John and Jack. | ||
| Well, they're not John and Jack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| John F. Kennedy was Jack Kennedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| John F. Kennedy was Jack. | ||
| They called him Jack Kennedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes no sense. | |
| Yeah, it's one of the weirdest ones. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| It's a weird abbreviation. | ||
| But that abbreviation is not always used. | ||
| Like, I know a Jack that was born Jack. | ||
| Like, on his birth certificate it says Jack. | ||
| But John is the, you know, the nickname of John is Jack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it J-O-H-N? So here I am, young. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| You're at 16 in this photograph? | ||
| I'm probably 15. Here's him. | ||
| It's one of a kind. | ||
| Let me see that. | ||
| That's you at 16? | ||
| With him. | ||
| And that's the dude? | ||
| That's the grown-ass man I had the baby by. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's the dude that shot you? | ||
| That's the dude that shot me. | ||
| Well, this is hard to see because it's kind of an old picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But what did you do to this phone? | ||
| Did you shoot this phone? | ||
| I broke the shit in Lowe's. | ||
| At the hardware store? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that a note? | ||
| Yeah, that's a note. | ||
| Those are great, aren't they? | ||
| Yeah, for old people like me who wants to see. | ||
| Those are great for going online, though. | ||
| Looking at webpages, can't beat it. | ||
| Can't beat it for that. | ||
| So here's me as a drug dealer. | ||
| Oh, I'll show you my kids. | ||
| Unfortunately, this is a podcast that people listen to. | ||
| I'm showing it to you, I know. | ||
| I know, but I'm saying that I wish that everybody who listens could get a photograph of this. | ||
| That's your kids right here? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| That's me like 16. Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You at 16 with two kids, and one of them looks like it's six. | ||
| I'm not even fucking around. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's a child with children. | ||
| That's a child with children. | ||
| Wow, you have a crazy life, Miss Pat. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| How did you choose the name Miss Pat? | ||
| How did you go with Miss Pat? | ||
| Because I was going to name myself Rabbit, but that was too close to my drug dealing life. | ||
| And so I didn't want to come to the stage Rabbit. | ||
| that's just too fucking black. - Right. - So I was like, well what can I call myself? | ||
| And at that time, when I started being a comedian, I still had the little vending business at the dormant, and all my daughter's school classmate works for me, so everybody called me Miss Pat. | ||
| So I was like, well, that'll make people respect me, Miss Pat. | ||
| So I was like, okay, the kids named me. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| I like Miss Pat. | ||
| My name is Patricia. | ||
| Well, it's very easy to remember, too. | ||
| And it's unique to you. | ||
| And you automatically know I'm black. | ||
| It could be like an Asian. | ||
| No, you automatically know I'm black. | ||
| Miss Pat, that could be an Asian. | ||
| A crazy Asian chick who wears tight leather clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or gay Asian, dude. | |
| No, I've walked up on people in mainstream rooms. | ||
| They were like, who performed tonight? | ||
| They were like, Ms. Pat. | ||
| Ms. Pat got to be black. | ||
| It's got to be some Def Jam. | ||
| And I'm standing there. | ||
| I'm like, no, bitch. | ||
| The fuck is you talking about white boy with your cat jokes? | ||
| With your cat jokes? | ||
| I fucking hate cat jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you hear cat jokes? | |
| Because if you go to a mainstream club, all you fucking hear is cat jokes. | ||
| I'm like, can one of you fucking white boys rob a bank so you can be more fucking interested? | ||
| You gifted bastards. | ||
| Gifted bastards? | ||
| Yeah, you have it. | ||
| Gifted like privileged. | ||
| Privileged bastards. | ||
| I don't want to hear your cat. | ||
| You don't want to fucking change your litter box. | ||
| Hey, come on. | ||
| Let's rob a grocery store, bitch, so we can eat. | ||
| Let's do some real life shit. | ||
| What kind of cat jokes are you hearing? | ||
| Is this Indianapolis cat jokes? | ||
| No! | ||
| Everywhere I go, they got cat jokes! | ||
| And I don't fucking tell a cat joke in front of me. | ||
| It fucking dries my vagina out. | ||
| You need to go on stage at the UCB. What the fuck is that? | ||
| That's the hipster club. | ||
| That's the dudes who wear cardigans and they all have cats. | ||
| Everyone has cats. | ||
| They put cats in their hipster hips. | ||
| I know! | ||
| My fucking cat! | ||
| I have two cats. | ||
| You do? | ||
| I have two cats, two dogs, and 24 chickens. | ||
| Where the fuck do you live in California with chickens? | ||
| I live pretty far away from you. | ||
| I gotta tell you my chicken joke. | ||
| You got a chicken story? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mama had one chicken in the backyard. | ||
| She had a lot of them, but she eventually killed them all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, I'm telling you the truth. | |
| So, my life was so bad, I would go outside every day and just tell this chicken everything. | ||
| You know, cuckoo, my mama ain't shit. | ||
| This bitch is shooting at us. | ||
| I hate this bitch. | ||
| The chickens that was cuckoo. | ||
| His name was Cuckoo. | ||
| I fucking hated my mama, so I would talk to this chicken, and you know, a chicken walking around eating shit off the ground. | ||
| I really thought he was concerned and was listening to me. | ||
| So, honestly, I come home from school, and this bitch got my chicken. | ||
| My only friend that was listening to my pain by the neck and getting ready to kill him. | ||
| And the chicken's eyes is big, and I'm looking at the chicken, and he looking at me, and I'm like, nigga, did you snitch on me? | ||
| And she gonna fucking kill me next! | ||
| And she killed that chicken and she made me eat it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, you know, that's what a lot of people have chickens for. | ||
| They kill them and eat them. | ||
| I didn't know I made friends with it. | ||
| So that's why I don't have a chicken for a pet. | ||
| I don't have a dog because I had a dog named Pup Pup. | ||
| Pup Pup. | ||
| Pup Pup. | ||
| Cuckoo and Pup Pup. | ||
| Cuckoo and Pup Pup. | ||
| I used to love the fuck out of them. | ||
| So when Ronald Reagan got re-elected, Pup Pup got upset about the election, I assumed, and jumped out the back porch with a change on the neck and fucking hung itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's why I won't vote Republican, because to this day, I say Ronald Reagan killed my fucking dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Talk committed suicide because of Reagan. | ||
| Hey, I almost moved to Canada because of George Bush. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought about that shit. | ||
| When he re-won, when he won in 2004, I was like, this is a crazy place to live. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| When he re-won, I was seriously thinking about going to Vancouver. | ||
| And that was on TV at the time. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I would have been hard for me to move to Canada and still come back and do Fear Factor, but I was like, this is an insane place to live. | ||
| We've got to get out of here. | ||
| I was totally convinced we had to get out of here. | ||
| I was just going to try to get all my friends to move to Vancouver, too. | ||
| I mean, they all say they're going to do shit for us, but in the end, we are going to get fucked about them. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about us. | ||
| They just want to buy nice meals, nice suits, and do the fuck they want to do. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| People don't care about people anymore. | ||
| When I was little, Joe, you could go to the black church and eat on Sunday for free for years until Ronald Reagan got re-elected. | ||
| I'm telling you, he fucked us up because after that, they started charging $5 for the meal. | ||
| And I haven't been made to the church since. | ||
| Five bucks seems reasonable. | ||
| But not when you live where I fucking live. | ||
| In the 80s? | ||
| On food stamps? | ||
| I got fruit once a month. | ||
| That was like $10, right? | ||
| Probably $20 in my neighborhood. | ||
| We didn't even eat fucking fruit. | ||
| We ate beans every fucking day. | ||
| But don't you think that times are tough and prices for things are expensive? | ||
| Do you really think that people don't care about people anymore? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But don't you? | ||
| Yeah, I care about people. | ||
| Okay, aren't you a person? | ||
| If you my friend, you my fucking friend. | ||
| Alright, are we fucking friends or what? | ||
| We're not fucking friends, but we're friends. | ||
| No, I mean, you said my fucking friend. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| You scared me there. | ||
| I'm not bad in words. | ||
| I am. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't mean to scare you. | |
| If you my friend, you my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And I'll do anything for you. | ||
| I'm not a two-faced type bitch. | ||
| I'm down with you. | ||
| Okay, so... | ||
| But people say they down with you to get what you got. | ||
| Some. | ||
| Some. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could say that about people. | ||
| And it is business. | ||
| This is a cutthroat. | ||
| This is almost like getting a drive-by in the hood. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Why are you here then? | ||
| You're here because we want to help you. | ||
| I'm not talking about you. | ||
| But this is the business. | ||
| Some people do help. | ||
| I'm not saying everybody's like that. | ||
| This business is going on right now. | ||
| In this room is this business. | ||
| And in this business, we're just trying to help you. | ||
| So that's bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| This is disarounding. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You can find those people. | ||
| This is my thoughts on this business. | ||
| Yeah, you can find those people in this business. | ||
| But you can find those people everywhere. | ||
| You can also find people that are nice. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I really believe there's more nice people than people give credit for. | ||
| Because the negative instances stand out. | ||
| It's like when people talk about online commenters on YouTube and shit like that. | ||
| Think about what percentage of people that is. | ||
| Everyone's like, there's a perfect example that society's doomed. | ||
| Go read. | ||
| I was reading something about Floyd Mayweather the other day. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather took a picture with his new girlfriend, and the fucking comments were so bad. | ||
| I think that is evil. | ||
| When you get on YouTube and you talk about Beyonce baby hair, I was like, these people are human. | ||
| People would say shit to me. | ||
| I did a podcast and I talked about putting drugs in my baby panties. | ||
| And everybody at the time was tweeting you to get me on. | ||
| So this dude was like... | ||
| Why would you want her on Joe Rogan when she put drugs in her baby pants? | ||
| I said, hold on, bitch. | ||
| I was 15 years old at the time. | ||
| Have you thought about where I was in my life at that time? | ||
| I said, plus, don't judge me, bitch. | ||
| You probably like fucking frozen cucumbers up your ass, but nobody's coming over your house trying to pull frozen cucumbers out your ass. | ||
| I'm not judging you because you like... | ||
| That's very specific. | ||
| Frozen cucumbers. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| How do you make that call? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why frozen? | |
| Because if he doesn't have frozen cucumbers in his house, he's unclear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll break. | |
| Your entire argument is invalid. | ||
| I mean, when people do, they write ugly stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's because they don't have to deal with you face-to-face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's not a normal way to communicate with people. | ||
| People get a free shot at you. | ||
| Like, you're Miss Pat. | ||
| You know, you're on the internet. | ||
| You're on a video. | ||
| They see it, and they can just start talking shit for free. | ||
| And more than one. | ||
| It's not one-on-one. | ||
| Like, if you were doing that in a room. | ||
| I would knock. | ||
| They fucking ass out. | ||
| But it wouldn't happen. | ||
| No, it wouldn't happen. | ||
| If you're in a room, like say if you were in a room and you're talking to me and then someone who's a YouTube commenter was sitting right there and listening to you talk, someone who would say something awful about you on YouTube, if they were sitting right next to you, they wouldn't say shit. | ||
| They wouldn't say it. | ||
| They wouldn't say shit. | ||
| And if they did say shit, if they did say something rude, you'd be like, where the fuck are you coming from? | ||
| Why are you coming at me? | ||
| First of all, I'm not talking about you. | ||
| I'm not talking to you. | ||
| This doesn't concern you. | ||
| So why are you making some sort of... | ||
| And then you'd have a conversation with that person, and they would be shown to be retarded, and then it would be done. | ||
| But they could just leave it on YouTube. | ||
| That comment is permanent. | ||
| This moron statement. | ||
| That's not supposed to happen in nature. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| When you think about how many people that is though, that's a small... | ||
| What percentage of the people comments on YouTube videos? | ||
| Is it even one-tenth of one percent? | ||
| Yeah, but what is the number? | ||
| I mean, is it one-tenth of one percent? | ||
| Is it even that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can just look at the likes and dislikes of every video, and that pretty much sums it up. | |
| Yeah, likes and dislikes is pretty easy, but comments sometimes are interesting. | ||
| Sometimes they're engaging. | ||
| We talked about that with Lewis from Unbox Therapy, that sometimes he gets people that are really knowledgeable, and they're interesting, and they have discussions in the comments. | ||
| But it's the shit like on Floyd May where they're talking about his girlfriend. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| They're jealous. | ||
| Not just jealous. | ||
| Hateful. | ||
| And they're also... | ||
| They're giving in to their situation. | ||
| They're giving in to that this guy is rich and famous and a superstar and successful. | ||
| And I am less... | ||
| I will never be in his position. | ||
| So I'm going to take free shots at him. | ||
| I'm going to throw rocks at him. | ||
| Because they would never say that in his face. | ||
| That's like when they was going around saying, comb Beyonce baby hair. | ||
| Who the fuck are you to tell the Beyonce... | ||
| That baby is more richer than all you motherfuckers I know. | ||
| If that baby want to have nappy hair and her parents want her to have nappy hair, that baby hair was nappy or whatever you want to call it. | ||
| She still look better than your fucking baby who was born on Medicaid, bitch. | ||
| Well, again, if the baby wasn't born on Medicaid, your argument is invalid. | ||
| And then you go, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| I'm just saying, period. | ||
| I know exactly what you're saying. | ||
| I mean, people pick at people and they don't realize that when you say stuff like that, they can hear it. | ||
| Well, it's just stupid. | ||
| It's just a stupid... | ||
| It's a situation that's never supposed to happen. | ||
| Human beings are supposed to communicate with each other. | ||
| They're not supposed to just communicate. | ||
| And when you just communicate, no one's there. | ||
| And you can just say whatever you want. | ||
| There's no repercussions. | ||
| You're in an echo chamber. | ||
| You don't even have the fucking name that you have. | ||
| Like, you're 69EatMe. | ||
| That's your YouTube name, you know? | ||
| So 69EatMe has all these things that they say, and they can say fucked up shit on every video they find online. | ||
| They're not even a real person. | ||
| And they could have 20 of those names. | ||
| They could do whatever they want. | ||
| That situation doesn't exist in nature. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that people are fucked up. | ||
| It means that there's an avenue for fucked up people to express themselves that didn't exist before and there's evidence of that. | ||
| I had a fat girl one time. | ||
| I was on Bob and Tom and I said some stuff like, Oh, my husband don't think I'm funny. | ||
| You know, I don't like being fat because fat girls like to eat all the time. | ||
| So this lady sent me like a long-ass email. | ||
| How dare you talk about the fat girl? | ||
| And why is you on that Klansman show with them white dudes? | ||
| And you this. | ||
| And fat girls are sexy. | ||
| And she sent me all these fucking coupons. | ||
| Then she sent me all these fucking little things for clothes for fat girls. | ||
| All of them was fucking leopard. | ||
| And I don't put on no leopard anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leopard? | |
| Yeah, leopard and tiger. | ||
|
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|
Everything was leopard? | |
| That's what fat girls wear, leopards and tigers. | ||
| They want them to look like animals so you can shoot the shit out of them. | ||
| And so, I was... | ||
|
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|
Why do they always wear leopard? | |
| Look at Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart. | ||
| They always fucking... | ||
| Everything is animal print. | ||
| I think they're trying to kill us. | ||
| I don't wear that shit. | ||
| I wear black. | ||
| Okay, big, okay. | ||
| So look at big girls clothes. | ||
| I'm telling you, so she sent me this jumper and she was like, big girls are sexy. | ||
| And so I was going to tear her ass up and my husband talked me out of it. | ||
| What you need to do is you need to write a bit about big girls wearing animal prints. | ||
| I do have a bit. | ||
| Do you have a bit about that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I need to hear that bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
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|
Look at it. | |
| I told you. | ||
| Giant girl with leopard titties. | ||
| Titties. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Everything tiger and animals and zebra. | ||
| Zebra pants. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why they think we want to look like a bear or some shit? | ||
| I said leopard and I said bear. | ||
|
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|
Leopard, bear. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That is a weird thing. | ||
| Maybe it's like an attempt, an appeal, the animalistic side to make you more attractive. | ||
| I don't know, but I hate it. | ||
| I don't buy leopard panties. | ||
| I just think, I'm serious. | ||
| My husband don't want to see my big old ass walk around on leopard panties and on leopard bra. | ||
| And then I got stomach hanging over the front of that. | ||
| He don't want to see that shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't buy like Valentine's Day. | ||
| Look Valentine's Day. | ||
| It's always a pink and red leopard lingerie for fat girls. | ||
| I'm not putting myself in that shit. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| No lingerie? | ||
| No, I still put a t-shirt. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| With my panties on. | ||
| Don't be angry at me. | ||
|
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|
No. | |
| I'm past the lingerie part, baby. | ||
| When I lost my virginity in the graveyard, I'm done. | ||
| Lingerie is over. | ||
| Now, seeing your husband lose all his weight and go vegan, does that make you want to do anything? | ||
| Yeah, but I'm lazy. | ||
| You gotta know your boundaries. | ||
| I need a sponsor. | ||
| Y'all send me some free Nutrisystem food. | ||
| But you're not lazy because you hustle. | ||
| I hustle my ass off. | ||
| So how does that work? | ||
| Everybody got that one thing that they can't accomplish right off. | ||
| And that for me is losing weight. | ||
| I just lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem. | ||
| And so you know what? | ||
| I don't have $300 this month. | ||
| I quit. | ||
| Nutrisystem food is still at the house. | ||
| I went straight to Chick-fil-A. What is Nutrisystem? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| They send you healthy foods and meals. | ||
| And it works if you can afford it. | ||
|
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|
But I missed one gig and I couldn't afford it no more. | |
| One gig? | ||
|
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|
I think Weight Watchers is the best. | |
| Have you ever tried Weight Watchers? | ||
| I used to do Weight Watchers. | ||
| I can't count no fucking points. | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| I got a GD. I can't keep up with that kind of shit. | ||
| I just moved my niece and her four kids and I ain't got time to be counting shit. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| I need something you can pop in the microwave, eat it, and then go about your business. | ||
| Yeah, but if you had, like, this is what I believe. | ||
| I believe that you're going to be very successful. | ||
| That's what I believe. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're going to have crazy, crazy money. | ||
| And when you do, are you going to get, like, a private chef? | ||
| A personal trainer and a chef to cook you, like, healthy meals? | ||
| I'm going to ring a bell. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding! | ||
| Bring me my thousand calories! | ||
| Are we going to see Miss Pat shrivel up? | ||
| Or are we going to see Miss Pat say, thank you very much for the healthy meal, and you shut your door and bolt it, and then... | ||
| Pull a drawer out from underneath your bed and you start stacking cakes and Twinkies and Snickers bars. | ||
| If I can get half of my sixth grade figure back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Half of it. | |
| Just half of it. | ||
| I used to be 140 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And nice round titties and both nipples. | ||
| That was a good old thing. | ||
| Slowly work your way back to that. | ||
| We can make this happen. | ||
|
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|
Healthy. | |
| What you gonna do? | ||
| Shoot at me? | ||
| Make me run? | ||
| It costs to eat healthy. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I was eating healthy. | ||
| Then I moved my niece in. | ||
| My niece was homeless with four kids. | ||
| She's 23 years old. | ||
| So I said, okay. | ||
| I raised her for 10 years. | ||
| My mama came back and fucked up her life. | ||
| So I went home for Christmas and I fucking got my niece four kids. | ||
| And I just started back eating. | ||
| I was so stressed out. | ||
| I mean, how do you bring five people into your house? | ||
| Kids literally had no shoes, no nothing. | ||
| And I took everything I had to get these kids back together. | ||
| I mean, these kids were so behind on their shots forever. | ||
| Her four-year-old was getting newborn shots. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So I had, I mean, I think that brought on a lot of stress and I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna start back here. | ||
| I'm sure, I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stress is a fucker. | ||
| And when you hit stress, the first thing you do when you hit like a real bad patch is to go back to whatever comforts you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For some people it's food, for some people it's cigarettes, for some people it's booze, you know. | ||
| And I need to lose weight. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| 100 pounds would do me justice. | ||
| You're too funny. | ||
| We gotta keep you healthy. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| We gotta keep you healthy. | ||
| I won't drop dead. | ||
| When are you back here again? | ||
| We gotta do this again. | ||
| We ran out of time. | ||
| We just did three hours. | ||
| Oh, we did? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Fuck, I feel like I've been here for 30 minutes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It just flew by. | ||
| Three hours is over. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whenever you call for me, I'll be here. | ||
| You got an open invitation anytime you want to come on. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| Can I promote my website and stuff? | ||
| Fuck yeah, please do. | ||
| Y'all, please. | ||
| Y'all know my Twitter, Comedienne Miss Pat. | ||
| Comedienne Miss Pat, Facebook, Instagram. | ||
| Comedienne, like as in girl comedian. | ||
| Yeah, as in girl comedian. | ||
| That's a very controversial thing. | ||
| Like a lot of female comedians that just say, I'm a fucking comedian. | ||
| I'm not a comedian. | ||
| Well, I asked my friend who had the college degree. | ||
| I was like, I need you to spell comedian the girl right. | ||
| So she Googled it. | ||
| Well, the good thing is if you just type in M-S-P-A-T, it comes up. | ||
| M-S-P-A-T. And I have an Instagram, Facebook, and my website is MissPatComedy. | ||
| MissPatComedy.com. | ||
| Yeah, MissPatComedy.com. | ||
| I want to do a couple of dates. | ||
| Please join me at Toledo, Ohio, August 8th through 9th at last. | ||
| I'll be at the Funny Bone one night only. | ||
| So it's very important that you come out to the Funny Bone. | ||
| I want to show them that I have some fans. | ||
| Which Funny Bone? | ||
| Atlanta? | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| It's Dayton. | ||
| Dayton. | ||
| Dayton Funny Bone. | ||
| Dayton Funny Bone, yeah. | ||
| Funny Bone Atlanta is a good spot. | ||
| We ain't got no Funny Bone in Atlanta. | ||
| Don't they? | ||
| No, we got an improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Punchline. | |
| Punchline, yeah. | ||
| They don't book me yet. | ||
| Funny Bone is Columbus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Columbus, Funny Bone. | |
| Yeah, and Dayton. | ||
| I'm in Dayton. | ||
| Dayton. | ||
| And Zaney's August 28th through the 31st, Chicago. | ||
| Chicago. | ||
| Good room. | ||
| Yes, great room. | ||
| And Oklahoma City... | ||
| Oklahoma City, I'll be there September the 10th through the 13th at the Loony Benz. | ||
| Is all this on your website? | ||
| All of this is on my website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
MissPatComedy.com MissPatComedy.com Thank you so much. | |
| This has been a lot of fun. | ||
| I really, really enjoyed it. | ||
| And thank you to the fans who got me here. | ||
| And I want to thank my friend Avery at Morty's Comedy Joint. | ||
| Because he told me three years ago, he said, if you get on Joe Rogan, some shit might happen. | ||
| And I said, who the fuck is Joe Rogan? | ||
| And look, I'm here. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Avery made it real. | ||
| Avery, diligent at Morty's Company. | ||
| And give a big shout out to Randy, who's helping me with a project in Indy. | ||
| That was a beautiful podcast. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank y'all for having me. | ||
| Am I the first black woman? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tiffany wasn't on this, though. | ||
| She was on the other one, Ice House Chronicles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Oh shit, I broke history. | ||
| I'm the Rosa Parks. | ||
| You might be the Rosa Parks of this podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| I think she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like we're... | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, Red Bean. | ||
| I'm the first one. | ||
| I thought his name was Red Bean. | ||
| I met him last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is now. | |
| Guess what? | ||
| It is Red Bean now. | ||
| Now it is. | ||
| That shit's gonna stick. | ||
| Alright, thanks to our sponsor. | ||
| Thanks to honor.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T, use the code word ROGAN, and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Also, thanks to NatureBox. | ||
| Go get your yum-yums on, folks. | ||
| Rich and delicious and healthy and nutritious. | ||
| NatureBox.com slash ROGAN. Go there and enjoy it. | ||
| If you don't get the sriracha cashews, you're a sucker. | ||
| MC. MC. Naturebox.com slash Rogan. | ||
| Get 50% off your month's first box. | ||
| And thanks also to Stamps.com. | ||
| Go to Stamps.com. | ||
| Use the code word J-R-E and save yourself some money. | ||
| Much love, my friends. | ||
| We'll be back soon. | ||
| Take care. | ||
| Drive safe. | ||
| Eat your vegetables. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
| Oh, August 1st, Ace Hotel and Theater, Downtown L.A., Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and moi. | ||
| Come laugh with us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See you soon. | |
| Can I just tape you saying happy birthday, Ace? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. |
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