July 1, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:03
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, my friends. | ||
| Hello, people out there in cyberland. | ||
| Hello, human beings listening to ones and zeros being transmitted through computers, allegedly. | ||
| I don't even know how this works. | ||
| This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting is a mobile service company that is an independent company that uses Sprint. | ||
| What they do is they rent time on Sprint, so you get the same service that you would get with Sprint, but they have it set up their way, and their way is they want to do things as... | ||
| Evenly and ethically and just as... | ||
| They want to make it as above board as possible. | ||
| A lot of the things you pay for when you pay for cell phones are not necessary, especially when you have contracts and early termination fees and if you want to get out of things, it's very difficult. | ||
| That's one of the things that Ting has avoided. | ||
| They don't have any contracts. | ||
| Cancel any time you want. | ||
| They don't have any early termination fees. | ||
| They think it's silly. | ||
| And they also have it set up in a very brilliant way where you only pay for what you use. | ||
| So instead of having 120 minutes a month or whatever it is a month, whatever your pay thing is, if you use less than that, it's not like the company calls you up and says, hey, you should probably have a service for less minutes because you don't use all your minutes, and then you have all these minutes that you didn't use, but you did pay for them. | ||
| The way Ting has it, you pay for what you use, and you would be shocked! | ||
| At how easy it is to save money. | ||
| 98% of people would save money using Ting. | ||
| I don't know about the coverage, but I know because, you know, I feel like at this point in time, Sprint, like Joey Diaz loves Sprint. | ||
| He's had Sprint for like 10 years. | ||
| Don't text him on it, though. | ||
| Well, you can't text him. | ||
| He won't accept phone messages. | ||
| He won't accept text messages. | ||
| If you call him, he wants to see Matt Fultron called, you know, missed call Matt Fultron. | ||
| Yeah, no voicemail. | ||
| No voicemail. | ||
| But this is not like some Hick cell phone company. | ||
| This is the Sprint backbone. | ||
| So it's one of the best cell phone providers in the country. | ||
| So you get the exact same service. | ||
| But you own your phone. | ||
| They'll sell you an iPhone 5 for $260. | ||
| They sell you all the best Android phones. | ||
| And you actually pay for the phone. | ||
| Instead of what's going on when you go to a lot of places like the bigger name places and you get a phone that's $500. | ||
| It's not really $500. | ||
| It's probably more. | ||
| But you have to pay over the course of several years that you have your contract. | ||
| You pay what the difference is. | ||
| So if you're paying $199, but the phone is actually a $600 phone, You owe them $401 that you'll have to pay for over the course of your contract. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why when you try to leave your contract, you have to pay money to get out of it. | ||
| And this is all something you've signed. | ||
| You might not even realize it. | ||
| That's how it was for the longest time. | ||
| Contracts and early termination fees and paying for X amount of minutes per month. | ||
| And Ting has just stepped in and stopped all that nonsense. | ||
| And I think it's going to be the model that all cell phone companies use in the future. | ||
| But right now, Ting's using it. | ||
| They have that new Nexus 5, which is fucking badass. | ||
| They have some badass Google phones now. | ||
| $349. | ||
| You own it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You never have to... | ||
| There's no payments. | ||
| There's no, you know... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| The conversation's done. | ||
| And if you want to leave, you're like, Fuck you, Ting! | ||
|
unidentified
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I got what I wanted. | |
| Right over to MetroPCS? | ||
| Hop over to them. | ||
| Hop over to AT&T. Who cares? | ||
| They don't mind. | ||
| But use the code word ROGAN. Go to rogan.ting.com, the URL, rogan.ting.com, and you can save $25 off of any of Ting's beautiful and delicious new mobile devices. | ||
| That's rogan.ting.com. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That is O-N-N-I-T, a human optimization website. | ||
| If you're looking to get in shape, you dirty bitches, if you're looking to get it in gear, start to look sexy for the summer, pick up some kettlebells and battle ropes And pick up one of those Keith Weber kettlebell cardio DVDs. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Extreme kettlebell cardio DVDs. | ||
| One and two. | ||
| They're fucking fantastic. | ||
| I love these videos. | ||
| Because just do what he does and you're guaranteed to want to have a heart attack. | ||
| Just keep up. | ||
| Just keep up. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| And you see him doing it, so you just try to do it with him. | ||
| It's even better than going to a gym. | ||
| A lot of times when you go to a gym, how often does the guy lift weights with you? | ||
| Not very often, but when you're following one of those DVDs, you literally have to follow him. | ||
| He's doing it. | ||
| You've got to do it too. | ||
| Don't be a bitch. | ||
| Can't slack off. | ||
| Awesome workout. | ||
| And really good for the body too. | ||
| It's a full body exercise type deal. | ||
| It's with kettlebells. | ||
| And if you haven't used kettlebells, the number one urge that I have every time I do this commercial is please go to either a personal trainer or get a really light kettlebell and go to YouTube and learn how to lift weights. | ||
| And don't get crazy. | ||
| Don't hurt yourself. | ||
| Start off slow. | ||
| And if you're embarrassed by the fact that you're lifting weights and it's only 18 pounds, just don't tell anybody. | ||
| Keep working out, but don't tell anybody. | ||
| Watch it on YouTube. | ||
| Don't put it on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put an outfit on, like a furry. | ||
| Like a crazy furry hat. | ||
| And plus, you'll be really shuddered with kettlebells in the beginning anyway. | ||
| So you'll probably hit yourself in the head a few times. | ||
| If you have one of those big furry masks, it'll probably protect you a little bit. | ||
| Like if you have some errant cleans and they hit you in your little chipmunk face. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It's definitely a private beginning. | ||
| Anyway, go to onand.com and use the code word ROGEN. You can save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Without further ado, the full charge is here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Matt Fultron. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Powerful, full charge. | ||
| Are you drinking already? | ||
| You're an animal. | ||
| I am. | ||
| You don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| I just got off the road and I've developed a habit. | ||
| And it's kind of my first day off in a long time. | ||
| So this is the first day off of how many days on the road? | ||
| I was gone since June 11th. | ||
| We're going to call that three weeks. | ||
| Damn, son. | ||
| And I was in the Midwest the whole time. | ||
| I never came home. | ||
| And it's nice to see... | ||
| Beautiful Los Angeles, California. | ||
| Those make you appreciate the fuck out of LA, huh? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We got it so good out here. | ||
| People forget. | ||
| They're not 80 million people out here because it sucks. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's because it's off the fucking hook. | ||
| It's really unrealistic, though. | ||
| It's a very unrealistic way to live. | ||
| We don't ever deal with weather. | ||
| I know, that's what's so funny. | ||
| That's all anybody was talking about there. | ||
| Hope it rains today. | ||
| Sure do need some rain. | ||
| We never say that, even though we're the ones that need the rain. | ||
| Yeah, we don't have farms. | ||
| We're all farming. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When people out there say, I hope it needs the rain, they're literally talking about farms. | ||
| Yeah, and their livelihood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a website out there called FarmersOnly.com, which is like a dating site. | ||
| Like an exclusive dating site. | ||
| Hot Farmer dudes picking up on Hot Farmer Gals. | ||
| That commercial is hilarious. | ||
| I wonder if farmers will do GayFarmer.com. | ||
| Are you allowed to say you're gay and be a farmer and pick up other gay farmers? | ||
| How many gay farmers are there? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| There's got to be at least 11 gay farmers. | ||
|
unidentified
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In the entire country? | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| Only 11? | ||
| No, at least. | ||
| That's a worn out dating pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine those poor 11 dudes just banging each other in barns and shit. | ||
| All tired from working all day. | ||
| Can't even put it in. | ||
| Go to gayfarmer.com right now. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nope. | |
| It's hilarious what comes up, dude. | ||
| No, I'm not having that in my fucking history. | ||
| It comes up, it switches to his first hugecock.com and it's just guys swallowing. | ||
| That's all good, Brian. | ||
| No hoes allowed. | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| It'll ruin your computer. | ||
| It is a weird, very specific dating site, though. | ||
| It's the most... | ||
| Farmer.com? | ||
| Specific I've ever heard. | ||
| I guess maybe they feel like a lot of people wouldn't understand that lifestyle. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can't... | ||
| It's hard work, man. | ||
| You can't date a non-farmer. | ||
| Well, here's what you can't do. | ||
| You can't be a farmer, find a guy or gal that's not a farmer from the city, drag him out to the farm and expect it to work out. | ||
| That's not going to work out at all. | ||
| It might work out. | ||
| It could, but there's also that thing of where you're like, yeah, I'm a farmer. | ||
| And then the chick's like, yeah, that's cool because I got some plants and stuff. | ||
| And you're like, not the same thing. | ||
| They don't know what kind of work hours you're going to have to put in. | ||
| But they might, you know, some people have good work ethics and they look forward to that sort of a challenge. | ||
| It might work with the odd person, but a lot of people have like regular jobs where they get to sit down all day. | ||
| Can you imagine if you went from some sort of an insurance sale? | ||
| I always go with insurance sales. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it seems like one of the most fucking boring, bullshit jobs. | ||
| Phone and email all day. | ||
| And you're constantly, like, ass-kissing people to, like, tell them, well, you know, sir, the reason why this coverage is important. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, Joe. | |
| Normally I wouldn't say this, but I think in your circumstance, oh, shut up. | ||
| Always saying your first name over and over again. | ||
| Joe, you're going to love this coverage. | ||
| It's the best thing you can get, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
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Just rubbing you, stroking you all day. | |
| They get out of there, they're exhausted, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit wears on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My uncle's a car insurance guy, and he brings it home with him. | ||
| He's adopted The Voice. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Like, if I call him up, he's like, well, hello, Matthew. | ||
| How are you doing today? | ||
|
unidentified
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Ew. | |
| I love him. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Ew, you gross. | ||
| But he's from New Jersey, and now he lives in Northern California, and now he talks like a regular insurance guy. | ||
| Wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| Peter Fulcheron, what's up, dude? | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I'm not making fun of you. | ||
| Man, love. | ||
| People always get mad if you talk about them on a podcast, man, even if you say good things. | ||
| If you say anything funny about some funny shit that happened, people get so upset. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, man, we're all retarded. | ||
| Don't you listen to the things we say about us? | ||
| We're all retarded. | ||
| Yeah, I've said more worse things about myself than... | ||
| Anyone else. | ||
| The difference between being an insurance salesman and being a farmer, though, is I think the farmers are a little bit more happy with what they... | ||
| I think it feels like you get something done. | ||
| Like at the end of the day, when you brought in the crops, when you fed the cow, I don't even know which order you do that in. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Whatever you did to bring in food. | ||
| Yeah, no, you can see it with your eyeballs over the course of a couple months. | ||
| You can see the crops growing. | ||
| They say construction workers are really happy because they actually get to see what they've built. | ||
| They're also usually on drugs. | ||
| Well, yeah, that helps. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| But yeah, you're totally right. | ||
| I think building things, getting things like set up a farm, plant the seeds, water them, watch it. | ||
| You're essentially facilitating this whole construction process. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if you work in an office, it just kind of resets every day. | ||
| Even as a comedian, it's like, all right, I'm going to go do another show. | ||
| I'm going to go do another show. | ||
| Yeah, but isn't that on you? | ||
| Because you can just change your act. | ||
| You could have... | ||
| I mean, essentially, think about how long it takes you to write an act. | ||
| If we were smart, what we would do is we would write two acts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Two acts, and we'd do one on Friday night and one on Saturday night. | ||
| Or one Friday early show, the other one Friday late show. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, absolutely. | |
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| That way you would never feel anything stale. | ||
| It's just a matter of you putting in a little bit more time. | ||
| I'm going to do that this week. | ||
| Do it, bitch! | ||
| New 45 by Saturday. | ||
| When I record my next special, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do that, how I'm going to do the next hour. | ||
| I don't have anything that's like leftover stuff, I don't think. | ||
| It's like a couple of bits, but they're never going to make it anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So everything that's going to go on this next one, I'm going to just abandon ship after it's over. | ||
| Then I'm going to be fucked. | ||
| Yeah, you got to start from scratch, man. | ||
| Terrified with no weapons. | ||
| People pay to see you. | ||
| You have no materials. | ||
| Dog shit for a couple of months. | ||
| You got to do some freebies, buddy. | ||
| Mushrooms. | ||
| Start doing mushrooms now. | ||
| I got plans. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| I got plans for a couple different things to take place. | ||
| All of them interdimensional. | ||
| That's my move. | ||
| I'm actually thinking the next one I'm going to do is before the filming. | ||
| Do one of those in August. | ||
| See the elves. | ||
| Right. | ||
| See what's up. | ||
| The secrets. | ||
| Have a sit down. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Have a sit down with the dark and the light. | ||
| See if we can work this shit out. | ||
| I think you can. | ||
| I think this is, uh, tested territory. | ||
| So, uh, tonight the full charge and I will be at the Ha Ha Cafe. | ||
| It's a new, uh, new ha ha, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, new ha ha. | ||
| North Hollywood. | ||
| Good spot to fuck around. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We got a lot of good spots to fuck around, too. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| Imagine if you lived in, like, Dayton, Ohio, and you had to do stand-up. | ||
| It's like one club in town. | ||
| It's the only club for, like, 100 miles. | ||
| You just got back from there, right, Matt? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And there's two clubs, and there's the good one and the bad one. | ||
| And that's what all the comedians talk about. | ||
| There's a good one and a bad one? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like you're always under the supervision of the only clubs in town. | ||
| So say you want to go up and fuck around some night, get that new second act we're talking about. | ||
| Oh, you can't do that when they're paying you. | ||
| You can't do that when they're paying you, and you also... | ||
| Can't do that if you're an open-miker there either. | ||
| Competition's so high, they're going to be like, oh, you suck now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Open mic nights are fucking gigantic for a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And when you don't have open mic nights, then you wind up doing these nights where, say, you'll be the host. | ||
| You'll be the host of a show, and you'll just do a couple minutes and bring people up, and you're essentially just kind of getting the audience used to the fact there's a comedy show, introducing the comedians properly, and hopefully getting a couple jokes in on your own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there comes a point in time there where if you're in a place where you don't get stage time, where you're not expanding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got lucky. | ||
| This spot, you can expand a lot. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You can go to the Ice House. | ||
| You can go to Yuck Yucks. | ||
| I've heard a lot of people shit on the fucking L.A. scene. | ||
| But there's tons of places to do it underground. | ||
| There's tons of alt rooms. | ||
| And there's tons of clubs. | ||
| Who shits on the L.A. scene? | ||
| Midwest people do. | ||
| New York people do. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The Midwest people. | ||
| San Francisco people do. | ||
| Everyone does. | ||
| Midwest people shitting on L.A. That's hilarious. | ||
| That's a new one. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Farmers only, buddy. | ||
| You can't shit on the L.A. comedy scene. | ||
| There's too many of us. | ||
| I know, and we got everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
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How could you say that? | |
| And we got all the New Yorkers. | ||
| Well, not all of them. | ||
| We got some New Yorkers. | ||
| We got some Midwest guys. | ||
| All the ones who understand winter, they all eventually move here. | ||
| If you understand winter, you don't have to be in that. | ||
| It's good to be in that every now and then to feel it because it's kind of crazy. | ||
| But to live there every day for six months when it's fucking freezing is very taxing. | ||
| It's good to put the ankle weights on every once in a while. | ||
| Then take them off. | ||
| Yeah, go to January. | ||
| Go up to fucking Maine. | ||
| Just hang out for a few days. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| I'll see you. | ||
| Yeah, but then you're done. | ||
| You get out of there and you're like, okay, I get it. | ||
| I didn't have to do that. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, and that's the upside of touring. | ||
| Why else would there be 80 million people here? | ||
| Stop it, Midwest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Whoever you are that's talking shit on the L.A. comedy scene. | ||
| That would be Dana Stevens. | ||
| I heard her say this. | ||
| Almost all my favorite comedians live here. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Look, Bill Burr. | ||
| As soon as we got Burr, it was over! | ||
| Except Stanhope. | ||
| It was over. | ||
| Yeah, Stanhope doesn't live here, but you take... | ||
| We got Burr, I guess Louis is in New York, and there's always a bunch of guys that are really good in New York. | ||
| New York's always got a tell. | ||
| New York is always one of the best scenes. | ||
| But Patton is out here. | ||
| You know, there's all... | ||
| Callan's out here. | ||
| Segura's out here. | ||
| Joey Diaz is out here. | ||
| Ari Shafir's sometimes out here. | ||
| He's a bi-coastal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, he's a jet-setter, that Ari Shafir. | ||
| Internationally known, locally accepted. | ||
| Motherfuckers just got back from China. | ||
| Yeah, I saw all those pictures! | ||
| What was he doing out there? | ||
| Super ballin'. | ||
| He's a Super Bowl. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did he have shows out there? | |
| He's murdering it, selling out in China. | ||
| He's murdering it all over the world. | ||
| He made me never want to go there, though. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| No need. | ||
|
unidentified
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I wanted to go there. | |
| I think it was, for him, it sounds like it was a pretty badass life experience, but he introduced us to a bunch of aspects... | ||
| I'd be scared to eat. | ||
| How could you not eat or trust the water or go to the bathroom, just going to the bathroom, like leaving a nice bathroom just in case if you have to go to the bathroom somewhere else and it'd be like to the point where you could die of these Sit there too long? | ||
| Yeah, people die in toilets. | ||
| They fall into the toilets to get cell phones. | ||
| We had a story that we were reading the other day. | ||
| Guy dropped a cell phone, went to reach for it, passed out from the fumes, fell in, the wife went after him, she fell asleep too, and they died. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, they couldn't breathe. | ||
| So much methane and shit water. | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| Yes, it's awful. | ||
| They died for a fucking cell phone. | ||
| Usually taking a shit is a great experience. | ||
| Not in that hole. | ||
| It's just you can't shit in the same spot forever. | ||
| You've got to do something about that. | ||
| That's really a bad smell, man. | ||
| Sooner or later, you're going to have to flush. | ||
| That was disturbing, but it was even more disturbing as Ari was telling us about gutter oil, which is an oil, a cooking oil that they make from raw sewage. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| You can't even imagine. | ||
| You can't even imagine. | ||
| You have to watch it to believe what you're seeing. | ||
| Cooking oil is very expensive. | ||
| So a lot of people create their own cooking oil. | ||
| And they use rancid meat, like old bones and meat and stuff like that, boil it down. | ||
| And they also use raw sewage. | ||
| Raw sewage makes sense. | ||
| It's insanely fucked up. | ||
| We played a video of it the other day. | ||
| We're not going to play it again, but I encourage you to go online and anybody who wants to see it, look up gutter oil. | ||
| Anytime people are like, yo, you've got to have some authentic Chinese food, just be like, no, thank you. | ||
| Just watch the Ari podcast. | ||
| It was actually podcast numero dos, or the first one, dos. | ||
| Doses, we came back, he wanted to talk to us about the cooking oil. | ||
| We had run out of time, and it was one of the most harrowing stories. | ||
| You almost puked, didn't you? | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| I got very close to puking. | ||
| Yeah, and then I had to point out to him, dude, I hosted Fear Factor for six years. | ||
| And I got really close to the puke. | ||
| People forget that. | ||
| I've seen a lot of shit. | ||
| I've seen people eat rats. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was almost throwing up. | ||
| It was just so... | ||
| The shit... | ||
| I started extra salivating right now just thinking about it. | ||
| Like that... | ||
| That feeling that you get right before you yak. | ||
| She was... | ||
| She had these long like scoops and she was scooping raw sewage out into buckets and then carrying the buckets to her car and she'd put these buckets in her car and then she would drive off and then she would sell it and they were talking about how she bought herself a house from the money from this gutter oil. | ||
| So she'd been lifting up manhole covers scooping out raw sewage Boiling it and selling it. | ||
| They said one in ten of those street vendors are using gutter oil. | ||
| I don't understand why they just don't use nothing. | ||
| Why don't you just use nothing? | ||
| You have to cook. | ||
| You don't understand Chinese food. | ||
| Yeah, I guess there has to be oil. | ||
| Yeah, they cook in walks. | ||
| But sewage? | ||
| Dude, raw sewage boiled down. | ||
| It doesn't even seem real. | ||
| And they also poop in the streets. | ||
| It's normal for them just to poop in the streets. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's like they'll just drop straw and just take a load off right there. | ||
| You go down to Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles, we're still not doing that. | ||
| Some people just deal with the fact they have to shit differently. | ||
| I saw it the other day on Highland. | ||
| You know where that church is? | ||
| Highland and Franklin or whatever it is? | ||
| A guy was shitting there? | ||
| No, this woman that I think lives at that church. | ||
| Homeless woman. | ||
| But she just decided to go into the lane, the turning lane. | ||
| Just take off her clothes and just start shitting right there. | ||
| And cars were like, are you really just shitting right here? | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| I was stuck at the light. | ||
| I had to look. | ||
| Actually, you didn't have to look, but of course you did. | ||
| Wouldn't you have? | ||
| Even if it's not pleasant, a homeless lady is shitting in the middle of the street. | ||
| Yeah, look, the quality of life is something that people work really hard to preserve. | ||
| A lot of folks are really worried about that, especially as they get older. | ||
| Young people don't worry about it so much, but old people, especially if you've traveled a few different places, you realize, wow, things can get out of hand. | ||
| If you have If you have too much homeless, too much poverty, too much this, too much that, you can get to a point, there's examples of it there today, that you could go to China and you could see examples of this is what happens when you get overpopulation and people are devalued and life becomes very different than what you're accustomed to. | ||
| That's exactly what you're experiencing. | ||
| You know, that's a good indication that maybe the people in the Midwest are right. | ||
| That maybe being in a place like LA is just too fucked up. | ||
| I just think they're off with comedy. | ||
| There's some real benefits to living in Seattle. | ||
| I was talking to Brian Callen about that today. | ||
| We're talking about how great Seattle is. | ||
| There's some real benefits to living there as opposed to living here. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Lower number of people, less stress, the energy's different, it's not as chaotic, it's not as showbiz-based. | ||
| There's a ton of positive things that you can connect with. | ||
| To a place like Seattle. | ||
| Good air? | ||
| Good breathing? | ||
| Yeah, the water, the fact that it rains all the time. | ||
| You get depressed if you're a fucking little baby, but the reality is that's where life comes from, fuckhead. | ||
| It comes from water. | ||
| It's good that it's raining all the time. | ||
| Sorry, Kurt Cobain. | ||
| Sorry, Kurt. | ||
| I think Kurt was more depressed about heroin. | ||
| He's blaming it on the rain. | ||
| Yeah, it was all heroin. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people up there smiling. | ||
| You're shooting yourself. | ||
| There's a hell of a hangover going with heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Imagine if that guy had stayed alive. | ||
| If we could keep that guy happy enough to keep making music, what a fucking groundbreaking genius. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I really think it's a huge tragedy. | ||
| A lot of people like to joke about it. | ||
| I think he was so fucking good. | ||
| I forget how good it is, and every time I hear it, it's just so beautiful. | ||
| He had an awesome impact. | ||
| He had an awesome impact for the few years that he was alive. | ||
| But, yeah, that guy changed the whole thing. | ||
| He changed the whole thing. | ||
| He was just a kid! | ||
| He was just a fucking kid, man. | ||
| I was at this guy's house, my friend's friend, like a friend of a friend, and we were, he had a copy of it. | ||
| I think it was a cassette at the time. | ||
| And he played Nirvana. | ||
| We were both sitting around, me and my friend, going, wow. | ||
| People didn't really play music for their friends very often. | ||
| It would have to be something really cool for someone to go, dude, you've got to listen to this. | ||
| And I want to listen to it with you. | ||
| I want to see your reaction. | ||
| The three of us are standing by this dude's waterbed. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| You know, he had like a boombox. | ||
| And he's playing it. | ||
| And we were like, whoa. | ||
| Do you remember which song it was? | ||
| Was it Teen Spirit? | ||
| Yeah, it was Teen Spirit. | ||
| Teen Spirit was the one. | ||
| My band played Teen Spirit in high school. | ||
| Now every time my mom hears it on the radio, she's like, ah? | ||
| Ah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's your song? | |
| I'm like, it's not my song. | ||
| It's Petra Bane's song. | ||
| He played a couple other ones. | ||
| He played a couple other ones from the same album. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A couple other songs. | ||
| We were like, whoa. | ||
| That shit was a knockout. | ||
| I was into punk rock and rock and roll that wasn't exactly metal at the time. | ||
| Jane's Addiction was pretty great. | ||
| All these bands were pretty great. | ||
| Then Nirvana came along and just kicked it, knocked it out of the fucking park. | ||
| You know what Nirvana did? | ||
| It killed hair bands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eddie Bravo always says that. | ||
| Because Eddie Bravo was in a hairband. | ||
| He was in a metal band. | ||
| The hairbands are pissed. | ||
| They do not like Nirvana. | ||
| Well, it came along and all of a sudden, what? | ||
| You're allowed to wear flannel shirts? | ||
| I have leather pants! | ||
| I have fucking tight leather pants like I'm supposed to have! | ||
| I can't get them off! | ||
| I'm wearing platform shoes! | ||
| How come I can't wear platform shoes anymore? | ||
| What? | ||
| Sneakers? | ||
| Converse All-Stars? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I'm not wearing Converse All-Stars in a fucking flannel shirt. | ||
| What happened to being a rock star? | ||
| That's over. | ||
| You gotta be sad and regular now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what it is now? | ||
| You gotta be sad. | ||
| John Mayer doesn't seem very... | ||
| Mayor? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| John Mayer doesn't seem very sad. | ||
| No, I meant at the time. | ||
| Oh, at the time. | ||
| At the time, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you had to be depressed as fuck in order to be taken seriously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Lots of dudes on heroin. | ||
| Like Alice in Chains. | ||
| Dude died of heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he wrote about it. | ||
| And you could hear what he was saying in his songs, too. | ||
| Like that song, Bones, Them Bones. | ||
| Yeah, Them Bones. | ||
| And there's songs called Junk Sick. | ||
| The whole album, Dirt, is about heroin. | ||
| Openly. | ||
| Openly about heroin. | ||
| And it's awesome. | ||
| And it's fantastic. | ||
| It's their best album. | ||
| Down in a Hole. | ||
| Buck Cherry. | ||
| I've never done cocaine, but Buck Cherry has a song about cocaine that makes you want to try cocaine. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't want to try it. | ||
| It just seems like a bad one. | ||
| Oh, it's a bad one. | ||
| But their song is so good, and it's about cocaine. | ||
| There's only been a couple of really good songs. | ||
| There's, of course, the Eric Clapton song. | ||
| Cocaine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's, of course, that one. | ||
| Was that... | ||
| Derek and the Dominoes, or was that Eric Clapton? | ||
| Was that when he was with Derek and the Dominoes? | ||
| I'm really not sure. | ||
| I think it's just Eric Clapton. | ||
| They always just say it's by Eric Clapton. | ||
| That's a fucking badass jam. | ||
| That's one of the all-time jams. | ||
| That is not a pro-heroin song, though. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was not a pro-cocaine, either. | ||
| I mean, yeah, pro-cocaine, that's what I meant. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Buck Cherries, that's a pro-cocaine song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm all lit up again. | ||
| He loves it, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm all lit up again. | ||
| It's a great fucking song, and it's a pro-cocaine song. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wow, that cocaine song was actually not Eric Clapton, it was a cover of a guy named J.J. Kale who did it. | ||
| I'd like to hear the original version of that now. | ||
| Yeah, see if you can find that shit. | ||
| Yeah, we'll get kicked off YouTube, but fuck it. | ||
| I think it's all fair use. | ||
| I think they can suck it. | ||
| I'm tired of this. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| I mean, we're just playing shit that's online. | ||
| We're not stealing any content. | ||
| We're commenting on things that are readily available. | ||
| And YouTube gets mad? | ||
| Sometimes people put up... | ||
| Oh, that fucking crazy guy. | ||
| This is the original guy? | ||
| Oh, it's an old blues dude. | ||
| How old is this dude here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh, it's 1976. Woo! | |
| Oh. | ||
| cocaine that guy looks like he said a lot of fucking cocaine Look at that nose. | ||
| It's like an elbow. | ||
| The whole thing. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| George Bush on the drums. | ||
| And this is the original version. | ||
| Is that W on the drums? | ||
| See, there's a conviction in that guy's voice. | ||
| Yeah, no, he wrote it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
it he meant it it's not a bad cover his version rather he could use a couple bumps Isn't it weird, though, how... | |
| Yeah, he's not the most energetic guy, but I like it. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, how some people's voices, like in that aspect, like in that singing, are just more compelling? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, that guy's got a compelling voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For whatever reason, I want to hear him keep talking. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know, like Johnny Cash. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Johnny Cash, towards the end, he was doing some of his best stuff and he wasn't even singing anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was essentially talking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But it was still so compelling. | ||
| It was heavy. | ||
| It was fucking heavy. | ||
| Yeah, something comes through in people's voices. | ||
| And I don't know what it is. | ||
| I don't know what makes one person's voice more appealing and one person's voice more emotionally connected to your brain. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but some people just have voices like Orson Welles. | ||
| You ever listen to Orson Welles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy who did The War of the Worlds. | ||
| He did it on the radio. | ||
| Citizen Kane. | ||
| Yeah, Citizen Kane. | ||
| He just was compelling to listen to him talk. | ||
| Remember he used to do those wine commercials towards the end? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We will sell no wine before it's time. | |
| There's something about his voice. | ||
| You could just have him talk about your stuff and it would make your stuff more awesome. | ||
| It was an authority. | ||
| We will sell no more wine. | ||
| What? | ||
| I said it correctly. | ||
| He was all fucked up, drinking wine and shit. | ||
| There were recordings of him yelling about how preposterous the copy he was reading was. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| Citizen Kane came out when he was 25 years old. | ||
| Yeah, he knocked it out of the park his first try. | ||
| One of the greatest movies of all time. | ||
| But then... | ||
| Hurts... | ||
| What did he do after that? | ||
| Hurts squashed that movie. | ||
| It was only out for a couple weeks or something. | ||
| The guy that was about William Randolph Hearst? | ||
| Hearst, yes. | ||
| Hearst? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He squashed it because it was actually about him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was in a negative light. | ||
| And then, you know, it was out of the theaters immediately. | ||
| And it's not like you can watch the shit on cable back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, you were stuck. | ||
| It just kind of didn't work. | ||
| Even though we look back and we see it's great, it was off everyone's brain, I think. | ||
| So, what movies did he do after that? | ||
| He didn't do very many movies. | ||
| Touch of Evil, but it was all... | ||
| Nothing was as big as... | ||
| Citizen Kane. | ||
| Yeah, Citizen Kane is the one that everyone looks to as really great. | ||
| And nothing else, really, I don't think. | ||
| Well, he was responsible for that and, of course, the War of the Worlds thing. | ||
| That shit was huge. | ||
| People were jumping off bridges. | ||
| I don't know if that's really true. | ||
| I think he snopes that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| War of the Worlds. | ||
| But it was something really incredible what he did, and it's something we do all the time now. | ||
| We imitate a certain style. | ||
| We imitate the news all the time in entertainment shows. | ||
| We imitate documentaries all the time. | ||
| In comedies. | ||
| He imitated a newsreel, and everyone thought it was real. | ||
| Well, he read a book, but he read it as though he was, you know, doing it, like it was a news report. | ||
| And so they'd, but they'd also have, like... | ||
| Okay, yeah, it is a myth. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Mass panic and hysteria swept through the United States on the eve of Halloween 1938 when an all-too-realistic radio dramatization of the war world sent untold thousands of people into the streets headed for the hills. | ||
| This, uh... | ||
| It's an urban legend, apparently. | ||
| That's too bad. | ||
| More accurately. | ||
| It's misremembered like no other radio program. | ||
| What essentially they're saying is... | ||
| This is all from the BBC, if anybody's interested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gotcha. | |
| Just the Halloween myth of the War of the Worlds panic. | ||
| And it looks like it's all very, very exaggerated. | ||
| But they do it really cool. | ||
| Like, they'd have, like... | ||
| They'd have like regular programming and then they'd interrupt it with the news reports of aliens invading. | ||
| That's pretty slick. | ||
| And they'd be like, now back to our regular scheduled program. | ||
| It'd just be like music and stuff. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| Listen to what they said back then. | ||
| Radio is new, but it has adult responsibilities. | ||
| It's the fucking internet. | ||
| Chided the New York Times. | ||
| It has not mastered itself or the material it uses. | ||
| So people were angry that Orson Welles did this War of the Worlds. | ||
| But imagine the New York Times said that about radio back then. | ||
| Radio is new. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| That makes my skin tingle. | ||
| I can't believe I'm even... | ||
| I can read that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I can read some people that were writers for the New York Times that were essentially talking about radio the way people talk about the internet. | ||
| That sentence easily could be about the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That it has not mastered itself or the material it uses. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's new, but it has adult responsibilities. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so what's going to happen is we're all going to get censored very soon, just like radio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, radio didn't eventually get censored, though. | ||
| It got censored for a while and then became satellite radio, which is way more popular. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Satellite radio is essentially smushed regular radio. | ||
| It's when everyone knows they can get Opie and Anthony every morning, and you can get it on your car if you're in Pittsburgh or if you're in New York. | ||
| You can get Howard Stern every day. | ||
| He has two channels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, why am I listening to this local guy? | ||
| Is this local guy that good? | ||
| You'll give the local guy five minutes and he says one wacky thing. | ||
| You're like, this dumb motherfucker. | ||
| And then you're going to turn it to Jim Norton. | ||
| I know, because you've got to sit through 20 minutes of commercials on regular radio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to hear subpar content. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| There's only a few good ones left. | ||
| There's like maybe a dozen in the whole country. | ||
| There's maybe a dozen radio stations that are worth doing. | ||
| It's a mess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And what happened? | ||
| It's because it was censored. | ||
| They couldn't keep up. | ||
| You can't compete, man. | ||
| If you listen to these nut fucks that tell you you can't say certain words, you're gonna lose us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's more of us. | ||
| Do you not get it? | ||
| They're really loud, but there's way more people that don't give a fuck. | ||
| There's way more people that would way rather hear uncensored stuff. | ||
| That's why when you look at internet videos and they have a million fucking hits, that's what all that is. | ||
| It's like, those are people. | ||
| Those are the same people that watch NBC. Right. | ||
| Those are the same people that listen to AM radio. | ||
| They're just fucking people. | ||
| They're adults. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can pick and choose what they want. | ||
| They don't need you to tell them what's moral. | ||
| This is an abandon ship. | ||
| Abandon ship. | ||
| All regulations hereby now abandon. | ||
| Programming will now commence. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If people like it, they'll watch. | ||
| If they don't, it's harder to get ABC than it is to get cable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's harder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you going to do? | |
| Are you going to have antennas? | ||
| Are you going to get fucking rabbit ears? | ||
| Do TVs even have those anymore? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So you've got to get cable, for a lot of folks, basic cable at least, just to get your local channels. | ||
| Just to get the big four, right? | ||
| To get CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox. | ||
| You just need an antenna. | ||
| Digital antenna. | ||
| Bitch, all you need is the internet. | ||
| It's over! | ||
| It's over! | ||
| Abandon ship! | ||
| It's like, you guys, you can't keep this up. | ||
| Comedy clubs still think morning radio is something to do, though. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| It does, right? | ||
| It does help. | ||
| If you have a good DJ. If you have a good DJ and they have good people in, you know? | ||
| I mean, it's got to sell tickets. | ||
| People are looking for things to do on Friday night, and they feel like they know you a little bit. | ||
| You know, they hear you in the morning. | ||
| They're like, hey, that Matt Filtron guy is pretty funny. | ||
| Let me write that guy's name down. | ||
| He got along with Johnny Wilde. | ||
| Johnny Wilde and him had a blast together. | ||
| It was so cool listening to you guys. | ||
| Johnny Wilde's my favorite person. | ||
| Johnny Wilde. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They got abandon ship! | ||
| Abandon ship! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking Game of Thrones has arrived! | |
| It's over! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Abandon ship! | ||
| And how great is it that it's over? | ||
| Everyone on Earth has a podcast. | ||
| Abandon ship! | ||
| Abandon! | ||
| I feel bad for him, though. | ||
| A lot of people still go to school to become a radio DJ. Look at all the Opie and Anthony interns that are in radio. | ||
| It's weird that it's still a profession. | ||
| Is it weird though? | ||
| What if you were a guy who was a really good horse mechanic? | ||
| Really good at making wagons and you're bummed out that someone invented a car? | ||
| That's life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep moving, bitch. | ||
| Shit could be a lot worse. | ||
| And while you keep moving, keep moving in a car. | ||
| Keep moving, bitch! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get up! | |
| It's how it goes. | ||
| It's how it goes. | ||
| It's how it goes, and we all have to go through it. | ||
| It's the only way it goes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is the only way it goes. | ||
| If you try to do it any other way, you stifle progress. | ||
| So cut the shit and abandon ship. | ||
| You can't do it that way anymore. | ||
| It's a big lesson in life. | ||
| You can't insist that things need to be the way they were. | ||
| It can never be the way it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Because if it was, you'd be a single-celled organism, you fuckhead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| And those were good times. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| It's a time of no responsibility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Those were the days. | ||
| No phone bill. | ||
| Yeah, just muck. | ||
| Muck in the ocean, chilling about, waiting for the aliens to come and mix the DNA in there, like in that movie. | ||
| Did you see that movie? | ||
| What movie? | ||
| Which one was it? | ||
| Prometheus? | ||
| Yeah, Prometheus, the prequel to Alien. | ||
| I saw like five seconds of that. | ||
| I was flipping channels. | ||
| That's got Charlize. | ||
| Could have been fucking amazing. | ||
| Is Charlize Theron in that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The hottest astronaut ever? | ||
| It's pretty hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty goddamn hot and pretty bossy too. | ||
| Something hot about a hot bossy chick. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Hot bossy chick in space. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Running shit and fucking the military guys on her terms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| Telling you what to do? | ||
| I'll take it full charge. | ||
| Oh, that would be great. | ||
| The special effects are pretty dope too, man. | ||
| But something was missing in that movie. | ||
| The movie just didn't quite... | ||
| I mean, I enjoyed it, but it just didn't... | ||
| It was an alien. | ||
| Were aliens in it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Spoiler alert, but not as much. | ||
| It came out two years ago. | ||
| Somebody got mad about us, about the life of Pi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Some fucking dude was all angry online. | ||
| I mean, he might just be a troll, so we might be feeding trolls. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| You're getting a spoiler alert about the, I was going to see it next week. | ||
| Well, you should have got on that shit if you really wanted to see it. | ||
| It came out in 2012. You snooze your news, bitch! | ||
| What I don't understand is if you really are that concerned about a movie, if you hear any hint of somebody talking about a movie, just stop listening immediately. | ||
| If we start talking about Life of Pi, that's when you go, alright, they're going to say something. | ||
| We talked about it for like 10 minutes. | ||
| It's just been on DVD for a year. | ||
| How long does it take to shut off your iPhone? | ||
| Reach down, fast forward. | ||
| Yeah, it's been on DVD for a long time. | ||
| You shouldn't be listening to the podcast. | ||
| You should be watching that fucking movie you want to see. | ||
| You know what's funny when you have a movie like that and it gets on NBC? The network television premiere. | ||
| That used to mean something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now it means you're slow as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, it used to mean something. | ||
| You'd get on HBO first, and then it would be the network television premiere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you'd go, whoa, NBC's got that movie on. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| It was like a big deal. | ||
| It's like, well, now this movie is legitimate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This is the network television premiere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is you guys being super late. | ||
| Right. | ||
| First of all, it was in the movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It was in the movies, and we can go to the movies, too. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| I remember Star Wars came out in like 88 on like NBC. Came out like 1988. And it was a big deal. | ||
| That was a movie that kept coming back to the theaters. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember when there was TV movies when that was the big thing where you would sit home and there would be like a movie that was made by NBC or CBS and ABC and some of them even lasted like weeks. | ||
| Like they were just like 12 hour movies. | ||
| Oh yeah, like Salem's Lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Made for TV movies were big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Poison Ivy with Michael J. Fox and Nancy McKean. | ||
| They did a new version of The Shining with the guy from Wings. | ||
| I remember when that happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they were like, The Shining doesn't really keep it real to the book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we're like, yeah, but it's good. | ||
| Yeah, they decided to un-Cubric it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It wasn't so hot. | ||
| Have you ever heard the ideas that there's all these conspiracies or hints in The Shining of the moon landing and this, that, and the other? | ||
| Well, there was definitely references to it. | ||
| The kid wore an Apollo t-shirt. | ||
| There's actually documentaries that break down all the connections between the technology, the distance between the Earth and the moon being representative and All sorts of weird shit. | ||
| The documentary gave me blue balls really bad, though. | ||
| I was like, alright, I want to believe all this shit, and it just never connected that well for me. | ||
| I think if I was a filmmaker, I'd be fascinated by it, because I think Kubrick was one of those rare minds that was operating on a bunch of different levels at the same time. | ||
| I think that he was writing a script and creating this... | ||
| piece where you'd see jack nicholson get angry and but in his mind that wasn't enough and he would add all this like hidden meaning to things symbology and all this weird stuff that he would add to it that would just kind of you know leave people to decipher like why exactly right this number what exactly was there was that supposed to represent and He had a bunch of shit attached to it that didn't necessarily even have to be in the movie. | ||
| That's it, Room 237? | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| I wasn't crazy about it. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't get through it. | ||
| I thought it was interesting that people thought he was the actual one who faked the moon landing. | ||
| He was the one hired to do that. | ||
| Well, there's zero evidence that shows that he did, but there is a bunch of evidence that shows that he was working with NASA and that he got a lot of consulting with them when he was creating 1969, when he was doing 2001. That makes sense, though. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course it makes sense that he would consult with them. | ||
| Why would you... | ||
| If you're a huge movie producer, you're a guy who makes these perfect movies. | ||
| I mean, he made... | ||
| Dr. Strangelove was fantastic. | ||
| He was a wizard. | ||
| Clockwork Orange, the guy's a wizard. | ||
| A guy like that must put incredible... | ||
| Incredible amounts of consideration to every single aspect. | ||
| When you're doing something like space travel, of course you would have some sort of relationship with NASA. Right. | ||
| But if someone was going to be able to fake the moon landing, it'd probably be that dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it'd probably be only that dude. | ||
| At that time? | ||
| George Lucas. | ||
| He was a baby at that time. | ||
| George Lucas was probably in his 20s when that was going on. | ||
| That was 1969 to 1972. Well, they filmed it in 68. No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Did you ever see that Roger Moore documentary or Roger Moore, James Bond, when he's being chased by these bad guys and he runs through a set of the moon? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I never got that as a kid, but yeah, I get that. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| They were filming the moon. | ||
| Filming the moon landings. | ||
| They had to rock it out and Roger Moore goes running through it. | ||
| Was it Sean Connery or Roger Moore? | ||
| It had to be Roger Moore because they turned into comedies after Roger Moore started. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Isn't it interesting? | ||
| They turned wacky. | ||
| Yeah, 007 became like a little wacky sort of Burt Reynolds-esque. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| It was like a Smokey and the Bandit type 007. It was almost like Benny Hill music playing while he's chasing people around. | ||
| Right, and he was always, yeah. | ||
| And then you get Daniel Craig, which is totally, it's more like the book. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's more like the real 007, the literature, literary character. | ||
| Have you seen the 007 documentary, where it takes you from the beginning all the way to the current? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's really good, because it started, obviously, with that guy writing books about James Bond. | ||
| And there was even an American version called Jimmy Bond first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| Was it really? | ||
| Yeah, it was all black and white and he's got an American accent. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's really bad. | ||
| His name is Jimmy Bond. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They made an American version of James. | ||
| Before the British. | ||
| Before James Connery. | ||
| Oh god. | ||
| I mean Sean Connery. | ||
| Please find that. | ||
| And you know about the guy that only did one James Bond movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a guy that was between Roger Moore and Sean Connery and he kind of got influenced by the hippie movement. | ||
| And grew his hair all along and started doing all these public statements about the war. | ||
| And they dropped him in a second because he didn't fit the image anymore. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And he was really disappointed. | ||
| He's always been disappointed by it. | ||
| That he did that? | ||
| That he did that because he only got one movie. | ||
| He would have been set for life and he kind of fucked it up. | ||
| They probably locked him out too, right? | ||
| They locked him out and he seems to think he was kind of influenced by... | ||
| By, like, all these outside guys. | ||
| Like, hey, you have this voice now. | ||
| You need to express all these opinions. | ||
| And he felt like he didn't necessarily really want to do it. | ||
| He just felt pressured to do it. | ||
| The first guy was Barry Nelson in 1954. That's the American, you think? | ||
| Or is that somebody before Sean Connery? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll read this. | ||
| In early 1954, Ian Fleming was paid $1,000 for the television rights to Casino Royale. | ||
| Oh, it was a TV show. | ||
| It was adapted into an hour-long TV special. | ||
| And was broadcast on CBS October 21st, 1954 as an episode of Climax Mystery Theater. | ||
| They didn't even know. | ||
| They didn't have Climax back then. | ||
| Peter Lorre? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is what you're talking about, right? | ||
| Oh, this is it? | ||
| The TV show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the first episode, I guess. | ||
| Linda Christian. | ||
| Boy, that was like good stuff back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Climax. | |
| Look, it's all wiggly and shit. | ||
| When they have the logo up, it can't sit still. | ||
| Like, it moves around. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not even in focus. | |
| It's killed plenty of men and women. | ||
| It's made beggars of many and millionaires of a few. | ||
| Mighty few. | ||
| In French gambling casinos, this is called a shoe. | ||
| It holds the cards for Baccarat, king of gambling games, and its purpose is to make sure that no one can pull any funny business like dealing from the bottom. | ||
| The game to be played tonight is for the highest stakes of all. | ||
| A man is going to wager his life. | ||
| Climax presents Casino Royale from the bestseller by Ian Fleming. | ||
| The guy's pulling cards out while he's doing this and throwing them on the ground. | ||
| Isn't it so funny he got a whole intro to a show? | ||
| He's cool, man. | ||
| Look, he's just throwing the cards away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| What if there's like an old guy introducing, like, house? | ||
| Look at this Act 1. Casino Royale, Act 1. Oh my god, this is so fake looking. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Oh my god, he's got a gun. | ||
| He shot. | ||
| He missed him. | ||
| And then he hit the tree. | ||
| Whoa, they're really shooting that tree. | ||
| What the fuck's that about? | ||
| That guy's standing there while they're shooting at that tree. | ||
| I know, why wouldn't he run? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or he fought to the ground. | |
| Is that James Bond? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's the original James Bond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll never catch him now. | |
| I'll never catch him now. | ||
| You bitch. | ||
| The guy's got a ten-step head start. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Chase him, pussy. | ||
| I'll never catch him now. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| People are so unathletic then. | ||
| Can you imagine if you heard that kind of shit from, what's his name? | ||
| Daniel Craig? | ||
| No, the other guy. | ||
| Sean Connery? | ||
| The American guy, James Bond, James Bourne, Bourne Identity, whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, Jason Bourne. | ||
| Jason Bourne. | ||
| Can you imagine if Jason Bourne said something like that? | ||
| Well, he's too far away now. | ||
| The movie would end right there. | ||
| Everybody would go, what kind of pussy am I paying money to see? | ||
| It's just another movie where he just goes to eat lunch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was another guy in 1956. His name was Bob Holness. | ||
| And Bob Holness provided the voice for James Bond in a South African radio adaption. | ||
| So he was one of the James Bonds, but not a physical James Bond. | ||
| Then, there was Bob Simmons. | ||
| And Bob Simmons is apparently the guy that... | ||
| Stop doing it, right? | ||
| Or was it David Niven? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| This was in the 60s whenever there was just one guy who did one movie. | ||
| George Lazenby? | ||
| Is it him? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I don't know which guy it is then. | ||
| It's either George Lazenby or David Niven. | ||
| I would imagine it would be Lazenby for some reason. | ||
| One of the most interesting things about the documentary is in the 80s, all the James Bond movies are done by one family. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, except for one. | ||
| And Sean Connery was friends with this outside director, and they did a James Bond movie in the 80s, and it came out the same time as a Roger Moore James Bond movie. | ||
| This I didn't know. | ||
| Came out like the same week. | ||
| Two James Bond movies, two different James Bonds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was Lazenby. | ||
| Lazenby was the only guy that only played it once. | ||
| But it doesn't say anything in his Wikipedia about that. | ||
| It just says, I guess it's just not that important to some people, that they put it in his Wikipedia. | ||
| Interesting, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's fascinating to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, here it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess, yeah, there was some issues. | ||
| I'm fascinated with different actors playing the same character, especially when it's supposed to be seamless. | ||
| How about the Hulk? | ||
| In modern times, how many Hulks have there been? | ||
| There's been three. | ||
| In modern times, there's been Eric Bana, and then there was Homeboy from American History X. Right. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Norton. | ||
| Ed Norton. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's the new guy, Mark Ruffalo's... | ||
| Oh, is he a Hulk now? | ||
| He's the best Hulk ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's adorable. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| Adorable. | ||
| He's fantastic. | ||
| Well, you wouldn't like him when he's angry. | ||
| Dude, the secret is he's always angry. | ||
| That's the secret. | ||
| He says that, and then he turns into the Hulk and smashes some shit. | ||
| He's the best Hulk ever. | ||
| The Hulk is the best Hulk ever now, and he's the best Hulk ever. | ||
| He's the best Banner. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Did you know that the original Banner's name was Bruce? | ||
| And then for TV, they changed it to David? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd they do that? | |
| Because Bruce is gay as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Is that why? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| In the days when that was out, I guess that was the 70s. | ||
| Like, when was the Hulk? | ||
| Was it the 70s or the 80s? | ||
| Late 70s, because I remember watching it. | ||
| Yeah, so in those days, Bruce was associated with gay men. | ||
| Like, it was the joke. | ||
| Oh, look, here comes Bruce. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you were going to call someone gay, he'd say, is his name Bruce? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, Bruce Lee. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's one of the most manly guys ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the baddest motherfuckers of all time was Bruce. | ||
| And then they'd be like... | ||
| And then there's Springsteen. | ||
| What about that? | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| That's manly shit right there. | ||
| We'll give you Jenner. | ||
| You can have Jenner. | ||
| You can have Jenner. | ||
| We didn't know at the time. | ||
| Jenner's all yours. | ||
| You get your Adam's apple trimmed out, you're out of the book. | ||
| That is, like, actually happening, right? | ||
| He's getting very feminine. | ||
| Allegedly, he's getting very feminine. | ||
| Allegedly, he didn't like his Adam's apple, so he had some shit done to it. | ||
| But who knows? | ||
| The reality might have been, like, he might have had something wrong with his voice. | ||
| Might have had something wrong with his neck. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Be assholes just insinuating that he's becoming a woman. | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| However... | ||
| We got Bruce Lee and Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Jenner was a bad motherfucker for like one weekend in the 60s during the Olympics. | ||
| Whoever it was. | ||
| He might have just had a gross neck bone or two. | ||
| Like some of those people have those little neck things going on. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| That's an issue with a lot of older folks. | ||
| Their necks get really creepy. | ||
| Yeah, he's not a young guy. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They get creepy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you look at their face and you don't mind looking at their face at all. | ||
| Like, you know, you have a pleasant face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And then you see their neck, you're like, ooh, balls. | ||
| This is going to end terribly. | ||
| And then you realize, oh, for all of us, everyone's going to get that turkey neck one day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're lucky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're lucky, stay alive long enough for your skin to have a bad relationship with your face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just slowly but surely. | ||
| Speaking of that, I did this cryo-chamber thing today, and we were talking about it before the podcast, and I pulled these tweets up. | ||
| Eddie Bravo told me about this, and I read about it online, and I had Ian McCall, who's a fighter in the UFC, one of the top flyweight contenders. | ||
| He does it every day. | ||
| So I was like, okay, I've heard too much about this. | ||
| I've got to give this a try. | ||
| So I went to this place called the Cryo Health Center in LA today. | ||
| And you go into this, it's like, sort of like a suntanning booth, I guess, or a sauna. | ||
| Yeah, like a sauna, like a big metal sauna. | ||
| And it's 240 degrees below zero in there. | ||
| And you go in there for two minutes naked at 240 degrees below zero. | ||
| I got a hard on. | ||
| I got very hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck? | ||
| Your dick runs. | ||
| It's hard to breathe. | ||
| It's one of the strangest feelings ever. | ||
| How long? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long? | |
| Only two minutes. | ||
| That's me in there. | ||
| Only two minutes. | ||
| Minus 240, you said. | ||
| Yeah, 240 degrees below zero. | ||
| It's weird how cold that feels. | ||
| As long as you only do it for a couple minutes, it's actually really good for your body. | ||
| Did you feel your eyes getting frozen or anything? | ||
| No, that's a weird thing about eyes, man. | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| We talked about why don't your eyes get cold when it gets really cold out. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| The wind can whip into your eyes and it hurts. | ||
| That can be cold because that's a physical act of something like the actual air itself smacking into your eyeballs. | ||
| That can hurt. | ||
| But regular cold, unless it gets really, really fucking cold, your eyes don't get cold. | ||
| My eyes weren't cold. | ||
| The most noticeable thing wasn't just that my skin was really cold, but that it was hard to breathe. | ||
| It's so cold, everything constricts. | ||
| You know, you're standing there naked. | ||
| How safe is this? | ||
| Safe as fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, don't be a pussy. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| It seems safe. | ||
| It looks like you're in isolation. | ||
| It's super easy to open up the door. | ||
| Is there a lock on the door? | ||
| Well, only if someone really doesn't like you. | ||
| You would definitely die. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| If someone locked you in there, if you're naked, I don't know how long you're going to last. | ||
| Yeah, what if that lock just stopped working? | ||
| It doesn't have a lock. | ||
| It's just a swinging door. | ||
| You just open the door. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| It's thick as fuck, though. | ||
| It would be hard to claw your way out of that in time. | ||
| Don't get in this booth if you're in a fraternity or something. | ||
| A fraternity. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Right, because like eight other frat brothers would fucking hold the door closed. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And haze you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We hazed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dead. | |
| He's dead. | ||
| Or at least you'd have horrible frostbite where they have to remove like half the skin of your back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, sorry, bro. | ||
| Listen, you're Phi Beta Kappa for life. | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| There's no more hazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, bro. | |
| You get it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta pass. | |
| We're the senior tattoo already, okay? | ||
| We've decided. | ||
| We all voted on it. | ||
| We all voted in. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| I never joined one. | ||
| I passed by a frat the other day. | ||
| All these dudes were in front of the house, and they were playing football, playing catch on the lawn. | ||
| There was a bunch of them, and they were drinking beer. | ||
| I was like, this is so stereotypical. | ||
| Did you guys see a movie, and you decided to go to school and do everything that they did in the movies? | ||
| Wacky frat guys? | ||
| Did you see Neighbors? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| It's all about that also. | ||
| You know, like people hanging out on the front porch and drinking and having parties, but living next to that with your family. | ||
| Did you see the reactions that Seth Rogen got by some wacky feminist when it came to that guy that was shooting people up in Santa Barbara? | ||
| No, what happened? | ||
| This woman, well, you know the guy who shot everybody up in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Well, this woman somehow or another implied that it's cartoonish depictions of women. | ||
| Like in Seth Rogen's movies that lead men to have these horrific ideas of what women really are and then somehow or another lead to them killing them. | ||
| Especially in that one story, it's a terrible connection because he killed men too. | ||
| He killed more men, in fact, than he killed women. | ||
| He killed four men and two women. | ||
| I mean, he was just a sick fuck. | ||
| The kid was a mess. | ||
| But the idea that somehow or another Seth Rogen's movies have to be... | ||
| Gender balanced. | ||
| At the sacrifice of what? | ||
| Of comedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They can't be caricaturists. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whoever's in the film. | ||
| It can't be a woman with long nails who's really dumb and has big tits. | ||
| If that happens, a guy's going to murder people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And what about actual cartoons? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's all those crazy depictions in that. | ||
| Have you heard about his new movie? | ||
| It's about North Korea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or they were already saying... | ||
| Like, this is a threat of war, and if this movie comes out, that they're threatening war on us because of this movie. | ||
| They can't go to war with us. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| For what movie? | ||
| For the- Can you imagine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New Seth Rogen movie about assassinating Kim Jong. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's called the- Could you imagine- Could you imagine if North Korea goes to war on us for a fucking James Franco movie? | ||
| We'd be like, we don't like him either! | ||
| We're not going to kill them. | ||
| Just troll them on Instagram. | ||
| You don't have to do this. | ||
| You don't have to go to war. | ||
| They should have went to war over that South Park movie, Team America. | ||
| Yeah, that was way worse. | ||
| That was when they drew the line in the sand, though. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| That was the first blow. | ||
| They're like, one more time, motherfuckers. | ||
| One more time. | ||
| They're always threatening war, though, aren't they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they just... | ||
| They're like, if the McRib doesn't come back this week, we're going to war with you. | ||
| Well, they're very hurting. | ||
| They don't have much money. | ||
| They say when you fly over to North Korea at night it's all dark because they can't afford to keep the lights on. | ||
| It's not a good place. | ||
| I don't want to go. | ||
| We had Shane Smith on from Vice, and he talked about his visits to North Korea. | ||
| He said it was the craziest thing ever. | ||
| They pretended that they took him to a restaurant. | ||
| It was all set up, but there was no one else there but him. | ||
| And he said it was so obvious by the way that people moved. | ||
| They didn't move with people who were comfortable working there. | ||
| It was all a totally new experience for them. | ||
| So they probably were people that were forced into this position to pretend that it was a restaurant for American journalists. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's like going, whoa. | ||
| And then you got Dennis Rodman going over there playing basketball and grab ass with the fucking kid. | ||
| Then the kid winds up being the new dictator now, right? | ||
| I miss Dennis Rodman being on TV every day. | ||
| He could be on TV every day. | ||
| If someone was smart, just follow him with a camera. | ||
| How does that guy not have a reality show? | ||
| He should. | ||
| A good reality show producer. | ||
| You're telling me you can produce a TV show about a slippery road. | ||
| But you can't produce a TV show about a giant black man with facial piercings that likes to get drunk? | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| He's a celebrity. | ||
| He plays basketball with murderers. | ||
| He plays basketball with a guy who killed his own family. | ||
| The guy killed his own family because he was worried they were going to assassinate him. | ||
| He goes over there and plays basketball with that. | ||
| You can't make a show. | ||
| You can make a show about dudes who hunt alligators. | ||
| We're swamp people. | ||
| It's like dudes giving away parking tickets as a show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They have a guy who makes pools. | ||
| A guy who makes pools. | ||
| He's the pool master. | ||
| On the next episode of Crochet. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| Betty Crochet is a sheet. | ||
| How do they not have... | ||
| How does Dennis Rodman not have a show? | ||
| Why don't I produce it? | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| You should. | ||
| I should be the Ryan Seacrest of the Dennis Rodman shows. | ||
| That's how he got started with this whole Kim Kardashian thing. | ||
| Come in and introduce it like an old James Bond TV show? | ||
| Is Ryan Seacrest in bed with Satan or does he just know him? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Spawn. | ||
| You think he's in bed with him? | ||
| I mean, think about what he's a part of. | ||
| It's not Star Search. | ||
| It's American Idol. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's part of American Idol. | ||
| It's part of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. | ||
| And during that time, he has time to be the host of Top 40 Radio every morning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does he do on the Kardashians? | ||
| I've never watched that show. | ||
| Producer of it. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| He created it. | ||
| He's on the radio every morning. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| How's he on the radio every morning? | ||
| How do you do that? | ||
| How do you have the time? | ||
| A lot of people, that means a lot of people like him. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's very likable. | ||
| Or, maybe this, a lot of people don't hate him. | ||
| I think that's more like it, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck he is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know who the fuck he is? | ||
| Barely. | ||
| I barely know you and I know you pretty good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know that fucking dude. | ||
| Do you know that dude? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know anything, any of his opinions or anything about him. | ||
| I feel like I know certain dudes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I feel like if you had a couple of drinks with Val Kilmer, you pretty much know what's up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He'd be testing the bounds of reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He'd probably throw some mushrooms down the hatch and go walk through the parking lot. | ||
| He'd be like, Val, come on, man. | ||
| We gotta get out of here. | ||
| Babysitting Val Kilroy. | ||
| Every night, someone's got to babysit him. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's his life. | |
| You want to hang out with Val. | ||
| You got to make sure he makes it home. | ||
| You never know what he's going to pop and trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a dude that used to be one of the biggest sex symbols in the country. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And then he just decided to just keep eating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just totally tapped out. | ||
| Just done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| He used to be the Iceman. | ||
| I'm going to get big. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm fine with this. | ||
| Yeah, he was, uh, wasn't he like a superhero? | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The saint. | |
| The saint, yeah, he was a superhero. | ||
| He was the saint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he always- What kind of shit fucking superhero is that? | ||
| But all the superheroes, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know that one that well. | ||
| Did he not see The Watchmen? | ||
| Did you not read Spider-Man? | ||
| How come you get to be the saint? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Come on, Tobey Maguire gets to be Peter Parker and you gotta be the fucking saint? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's some bullshit. | ||
| That's a bad deal. | ||
| Dude, that is bullshit. | ||
| He did play Jim Morrison in The Doors, right? | ||
| That's where he cooked his brain. | ||
| And he got in touch with his fat side in that movie. | ||
| He used to be a thin dude, but then he played the 27-year-old Jim Morrison and got his gut all amped out. | ||
| You ever doubt ever in your life that Val Kilmer was a bad motherfucker? | ||
| You gotta watch that movie Tombstone. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| He puts on a command performance in Tombstone. | ||
| You ever seen Top Secret? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's funny shit. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I haven't seen it since the 80s. | ||
| It's funny that you think it's funny. | ||
| I saw it in the 80s when I was a kid. | ||
| I was such a fan of Naked Gun that I tried to watch all those movies like Kentucky Fried Movie, Top Secret. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| They all just did not live up to the Naked Gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, well. | |
| What was the TV show that started Naked Gun? | ||
| Police Files or something? | ||
| Police Squad. | ||
| Police Squad. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| 93. Wow. | ||
| Tombstone was 21 fucking years ago. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| Wasn't there another movie about Doc Holliday and all those guys that came out at the same time? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was Tombstone. | ||
| Close to it. | ||
| Close to it. | ||
| But it was a little later. | ||
| Who was in it? | ||
| I want to say Kevin Costner. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Tombstone was the good one with the I'm Your Huckleberry and all that shit. | ||
| I can't hear you, bitch. | ||
| Unforgiven? | ||
| Unforgiven, no. | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| That's Clint Eastwood. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| How dare you confuse Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Go back to Ohio. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| No, Kevin Costner played Wyatt Earp, right? | ||
| Didn't he? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| And someone else played someone like... | ||
| Who else played it? | ||
| Kurt Russell was in there somewhere, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, that's who it was. | ||
| It's very confusing, because I've only seen Tombstone. | ||
| Wyatt Earp, the movie. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Wyatt Earp. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| But it was weird, because they had to put Kevin Costner in some weird wig to make him look like he was a kid. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then they took the wig off when he was younger, and you're like, wait, when he was older, like, wait a minute. | ||
| I was more of a young guns guy. | ||
| Young Guns was fun. | ||
| Young Guns was fun. | ||
| Wyatt Earp was 94, so it was a year later. | ||
| Yeah, so it was Kevin Costner and Dennis Quaid. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Dennis Quaid played Doc Holliday. | ||
| He did a good job at Doc Holliday too, but I remember this one dude who's an actor, I was trying to tell him, I saw the movie, I saw... | ||
| Tombstone, I was talking about how good Val Kilmer was as Doc Holliday. | ||
| I was like, that dude was creepy good in that movie. | ||
| He's like, I disagree. | ||
| I thought his performance was a little over the top. | ||
| You know, Dennis Quaid, I thought, did a much better job on the Raw. | ||
| I'm like, no you don't. | ||
| I go, you don't think... | ||
| You just saw... | ||
| You saw him do it. | ||
| You saw what Val Kilmer did and you knew that you can't do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it bothers the shit out of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're a mediocre sitcom actor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so you're all angry. | ||
| That Dennis Quaid, you're like, oh, Dennis Quaid's your hero now. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because Dennis Quaid did it. | ||
| It wasn't the same kind of performance. | ||
| He did a good job, but Val Kilmer hit that creepy spot. | ||
| He hit that creepy spot where you really believed he was a gunfighter. | ||
| You really believed that he had some lightning reflex and he had killed a hundred men with his gun. | ||
| When he was like, I'm your Huckleberry, and he's got this dead look in his eyes, that dude knew he couldn't hit that spot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so he's like, I thought his performance was very over the top. | ||
| The fuck you did! | ||
| Over the top of my ability. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You just feel like shit when you watch it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you try to diminish your hater. | ||
| Hater face. | ||
| Look how many hookers do you think they had filming this movie? | ||
| None. | ||
| They're all kissing each other. | ||
| They're all fucking oiled up after every show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Rolled around, smooched. | ||
| Winning. | ||
| Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Very small mouth there. | ||
| Who are the lesser known guys? | ||
| Are they still working? | ||
| Isn't this Dr. McDreamy or whatever his name is? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, that one's not. | ||
| Is one of the other ones? | ||
| Why don't you find that cast? | ||
| The guy all the way on the right looks kind of familiar. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| It's Amelia Estevez, Kiefer Sullivan, Lou Dunman Phillips, Charlie Sheen, Dermot Mulroney, and Casey Sizemore. | ||
| Yes, none of those guys is Dr. McDreamy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dr. McDreamy. | |
| That's woman porn, boy. | ||
| A doctor, a smart, sensitive doctor with good bone structure. | ||
| That's woman porn. | ||
| He's got good ethics. | ||
| Dr. McDreamy's a guy from Can't Buy Me Love, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Patrick Dempsey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I met that dude once at the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I got off stage. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| And he was with a date, I guess. | ||
| And he's like, man, you really let that heckler get to you. | ||
| He's like, you know, don't let him bother you that much. | ||
| So I was like, what? | ||
| No, fuck him, man. | ||
| You gotta shut those people down. | ||
| He was giving me advice on how to interact with hecklers. | ||
| Not so dreamy. | ||
| I was like, listen, dude, you get up there and you tell some jokes and have some drunken asshole yell shit at you in front of a packed house where you have to deal with that. | ||
| Like, you don't know what that is. | ||
| You want to try it? | ||
| You go try it. | ||
| And then tell me you know what it is. | ||
| But when someone's interrupting the flow of the show, like screaming shit out, you have to deal with that. | ||
| And you've got to deal with that in as abusive a way as possible. | ||
| You have to discourage that from ever happening again. | ||
| And that's the only way to get comedy out of it. | ||
| It's your job as a comedian to belittle and mock that person. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It's a responsibility. | ||
| It has to happen because the audience feels that. | ||
| The audience is pissed. | ||
| You've got a drunk guy who's interrupting the show. | ||
| It's almost always a guy. | ||
| But occasionally it's a chick. | ||
| But they're less aggressive. | ||
| The chicks that do it, their heckles are very rarely as out-and-out douchey as the men heckles. | ||
| They're more clueless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not used to being told to be quiet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, full charge! | |
| We don't fucking do that shit in Boston! | ||
| You come here! | ||
| You fucking fat queer! | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| In Boston, I just let it happen. | ||
| You just let them tackle? | ||
| There's no win in that. | ||
| Yeah, you just gotta have backup. | ||
| You have a lot of people with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'll have like eight guys standing behind you. | ||
| There's a new club in Boston that just opened up in the bottom of a hotel. | ||
| It's one of those cool places where the club's in the hotel. | ||
| Yeah, Joey did that. | ||
| He said that it's a very good club, but the sound system sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, well, that's only the most important part. | ||
| Yeah, and they don't want to hear about it, apparently. | ||
| People keep telling them the sound system sucks, they don't do anything about it. | ||
| Well, they keep telling them through the sound system. | ||
| So I think Joey was like, fuck it, I'm done. | ||
| But Joey could do the Wilbur Theater now. | ||
| Joey's gigantic now. | ||
| Joey's the man. | ||
| Yeah, he's too funny. | ||
| It's all working out. | ||
| He likes doing comedy clubs. | ||
| We all like doing comedy clubs. | ||
| But if Joey wanted to, if they didn't want to fix the sound system, he could easily do that. | ||
| The Boston comedy scene used to have five clubs on one block, and now they're down to a theater. | ||
| And, you know, the outside rooms, like the Dick Daugherty rooms, he has a bunch of rooms, and I'm sure there's other people that book rooms that I don't know about, but the in-town clubs, it's like they're down, like, I think Nick's does it only on weekends, and then they have this new place. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Like, the scene just, the floor fell out of it. | ||
| How long did you, you started in Boston, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And how many years were you there? | ||
| I was back and forth the third and fourth year, so I only really lived there. | ||
| For like two and a half years while I was doing comedy. | ||
| I mean, I lived there for longer. | ||
| I was born in New Jersey. | ||
| Lived in San Francisco until I was 11. New Jersey until 7. San Francisco, 7 to 11. Florida, 11 to 13. Boston, 13 to like 24-ish. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's when I moved to New York. | ||
| But I was going back and forth. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The first... | ||
| The first year, I was doing a lot of gigs. | ||
| It was hard to get gigs in New York. | ||
| I was a new guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Road gigs, especially. | ||
| So I'd get road gigs in Connecticut. | ||
| I'd get some of them around Boston. | ||
| That was at least for the first six months or so. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's a fucking hard place now to make a living as a comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet. | |
| It's not the same thing anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never played an actual club there. | ||
| To be honest with you, there's not that many there. | ||
| It used to be amazing. | ||
| I guess if I had realized how great it was at the time, or if I had realized how special it was, maybe I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much. | ||
| Maybe half of me enjoying it was just being in the moment and being able to look back on it and go, wow, how lucky did I get? | ||
| Because I could have easily been somewhere else. | ||
| I could have easily been in Miami. | ||
| I mean, as a kid, it wasn't my choice that we moved to Boston. | ||
| I didn't have a say in it. | ||
| And the time that I came on the scene in August of 1988, when I came on the scene, I was 21 years old, and the place was just flooded with comedians. | ||
| There was all these, like... | ||
| Big-name guys who were always in town. | ||
| There was always, like, Billy Crystal would be in town, and Robin Williams would stop in, and you'd see these guys you'd seen on HBO, like, Don Marrera was in town. | ||
| All these guys were in town. | ||
| And there was a constant tour of, like, top-level talent that would come through Boston. | ||
| Like, Hicks came through Boston. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Kinison would come through Boston, but he would do, like, theaters, like, down the Cape. | ||
| So we'd go to theaters, and Shit like that. | ||
| And we saw him in Mansfield, too. | ||
| But it was just an incredible time for comedy. | ||
| Like, the greatest time ever to start. | ||
| But I think now is getting pretty close to that. | ||
| I think now might be, out of all the years that I've been doing comedy, there's more strong comedians now than I think ever. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| Because everyone knows what everyone's up to on the internet, and everyone is swinging for the fences. | ||
| Everyone's really developed. | ||
| Yeah, and I think it's also easier for guys to get gigs. | ||
| People can find out that you're funny because of online. | ||
| You can get a podcast, develop a following, and then start doing well in clubs, and people will come out to see you. | ||
| Way easier than it would be to get a television show, which would give the same kind of following when you would go to clubs. | ||
| That's what you had to rely on 20 years ago. | ||
| Somebody had to pick you to do something. | ||
| Now all you have to do is release your CD online for free. | ||
| Let everybody hear it. | ||
| People download it and they laugh, and then they find out that you're going to be at a club next week. | ||
| They go, I'll go see that guy. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| And then boom. | ||
| And then you put little videos go out, a little this, a little that, a podcast. | ||
| The Fultron show. | ||
| Everybody knows who the fuck you are, you know? | ||
| I love when that works out because it's such a shitty process, everyone going through two or three channels. | ||
| Well, think about all the guys that we know now. | ||
| Think about, like, Duncan, Segura, Ari, Diaz. | ||
| All those guys are going through non-traditional channels. | ||
| They are. | ||
| And I've known, you know, a lot of times it was like Hollywood wasn't picking up on some of those guys 100%. | ||
| And now they're, like, doing way better than a lot of guys that have TV spots. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's because they're nightclub comics. | ||
| Hollywood's looking for, like, even Ari and I had a conversation about that recently, about what it was like when he first started out, that he was always worried that he wasn't doing something that was going to get him on TV. It was like it was a prison. | ||
| You would worry about doing TV, make a TV set, I have to have a TV set, I have to be able to do censored material. | ||
| But he also knew that if he was uncensored and just himself and raw, he could say hilarious shit. | ||
| And he could kill. | ||
| He knew that he had that in him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was like this struggle. | ||
| Like, how do you... | ||
| But how do you break through and make it? | ||
| And then... | ||
| As he was developing, right as he was developing, the whole internet thing came along. | ||
| Yeah, and he got into podcasts early, I think. | ||
| Real early. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that certainly helped. | ||
| But it's also just the amount of material of his that's online now, whether it's stand-up or whether it's him talking about shit. | ||
| He's got so much material now, too. | ||
| Every time I see him, he's doing what we're talking about. | ||
| He's going up on stage and he's doing a different 15 on the first show. | ||
| I'm talking about New York spots. | ||
| He's got tons of material. | ||
| He's a hard worker, for sure. | ||
| Ari works hard. | ||
| He gets things done. | ||
| He's motivated. | ||
| And also, he's motivated because he's been... | ||
| He's been on the other side. | ||
| He's been the guy who tried to become a comedian and was, like, really struggling and hating it. | ||
| And now that he's making it, now that he's doing well and making money, he's really appreciating it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| I think what we're talking about, like, people that grow up in shitty weather, they're the ones who really appreciate LA. Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I think that when you... | ||
| Struggle as a comic. | ||
| Everybody wants to get on American Idol or America's Got Talent like their first year and start touring the nation and selling out theaters. | ||
| Dude, I was doing comedy in a year and then I did Madison Square Garden. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| No, that's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a nightmare. | |
| You're going to die up there. | ||
| Look, I've seen the bravest man ever and that's Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Charlie Murphy's the bravest man ever when it comes to stand-up comedy. | ||
| Because Charlie Murphy was in his 40s. | ||
| He had never done stand-up before, and he was on a hit television show. | ||
| And when he was on Chappelle's show, he was telling these great stories, and everybody was like, holy shit, I want to see that guy do comedy. | ||
| So they forced him into going and doing, like, he would host and do, like, do a little bit of time. | ||
| And then, you know, he would tell his stories, and people would laugh. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he realized he was a comedian. | ||
| Like, oh, okay, now I'm a stand-up comedian. | ||
| He's going on the road, and he's fucking hit. | ||
| Headlining. | ||
| Yeah, immediately. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| 45 minutes. | ||
| That is a long time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so long. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| There's so many jumps you're going to have to make to get to the top. | ||
| You're like, there's people, there's a mountain, and most people are already like halfway up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you don't even have any clothes on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you're going to try to do it out in the open. | ||
| You're going to be exposed, and you're going to try to run up the mountain quick. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You're trying to jump from base camp all the way to the top of the mountain. | ||
| Dude's still in there swinging. | ||
| Charlie Murphy's still in there swinging. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| He's the bravest man in stand-up comedy. | ||
| I don't know a lot of people who would have been able to do that. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| He's got balls. | ||
| And he's fucking a good dude too, man. | ||
| He's a very good dude. | ||
| Charlie Murphy's a good dude. | ||
| I really enjoy that guy. | ||
| I enjoy his company. | ||
| I enjoy being around him. | ||
| He's always a fun guy to be around. | ||
| He's a very friendly guy too. | ||
| If you get to know him, he's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I was with Maury Smith and Ivan Salivari, and Charlie Murph was telling us some old-school karate fight stories. | ||
| And we were dying laughing. | ||
| He was talking about hitting people with ridge hands. | ||
| It's a technique you don't see in MMA. The ridge hand. | ||
| The Chicago ridge hand. | ||
| I guess it's a Chicago ridge hand. | ||
| It's a type of karate chop that comes from a very specific angle. | ||
| But a lot of guys don't know about the Chicago ridge hand. | ||
| So the Murphy brothers were doing karate? | ||
| Charlie was. | ||
| Charlie Murphy has a black belt, I believe. | ||
| No kidding! | ||
| Yeah, he knows a lot about martial arts, I'll tell you that. | ||
| We had some conversations. | ||
| He knows a lot of shit. | ||
| He fought in a lot of tournaments and stuff. | ||
| He's kind of a badass dude now that I know that. | ||
| Yeah, Charlie Murphy's an interesting character. | ||
| He's a very complex guy. | ||
| He's got a lot going on in his head. | ||
| I mean, those guys who tell good stories, they're almost always very complex. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's something about being that good socially, being that good of a storyteller, that captivating. | ||
| That usually comes from a strange place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It comes from Rick James muddying up your couch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did that happen to him or Eddie? | ||
| That was to both of them. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they were both there. | ||
| That is just one of the best stories of all time. | ||
| I had Rick James on a show. | ||
| I was doing this show for VH1, I think it was. | ||
| It's called The List. | ||
| I think that was the name of it. | ||
| I had a bunch of people on that were really famous. | ||
| Meat Loaf was on one of my episodes, and Tom Sizemore was on one of my episodes. | ||
| Rob Halford was on one. | ||
| Tiffany from I Think We're Alone. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, she was on one. | ||
| That's hilarious, now that I'm thinking about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it called? | |
| It was called The List. | ||
| Wow, I totally forgot about that show. | ||
| And what happens on this show? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Some non-memorable sort of trivia show. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Tracy Lourdes was on one of them. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Tracy Lourdes, post-porn career when she was a legit actress. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She'd become a legit actress. | ||
| But who was the original person we were talking about was on it? | ||
| Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Charlie Murphy. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No, Rick James. | ||
| Rick James. | ||
| Rick James, that's what it was. | ||
| He was defending Michael Jackson. | ||
| It was like when one of the early Michael Jackson controversies Obviously before he died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the earlier ones. | ||
| And Rick James was, you know, I've known Michael for 20 years. | ||
| I ain't never seen none of that. | ||
| And this other woman was upset because she was a mother and she was like, you know, like, as a mom, like, that really freaks me out. | ||
| And he's like sleeping with kids. | ||
| Oh, you ain't got to worry. | ||
| He ain't doing nothing. | ||
| I know Michael for 20 years. | ||
| And Rick James had something wrong with his voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| While he was there, it was kind of fucked up. | ||
| Like something was wrong with his voice. | ||
| And like he had assistance with him. | ||
| And the assistance were, oh, he's just got, he's got a bit of a cold. | ||
| He's got a bit of a cold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all I could think is just see, I could see him hitting that crack pipe. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Just see him. | ||
| Do-do-do-do. | ||
| Do-do-do. | ||
| Freebasing all night and stumbling into that studio. | ||
| He was a real rock star, man. | ||
| He had a bunch of people taking care of him while he was there. | ||
| A bunch of people cleaned him up, polished him off. | ||
| He had people that were moving him around, moving him forth. | ||
| And this was... | ||
| I want to say this was before all the Chappelle stuff. | ||
| This was Rick James before... | ||
| I'm Rick James, bitch! | ||
| Which really sort of revitalized him before his death. | ||
| That probably killed him. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably Chappelle's, I'm Rick James, bitch! | ||
| Made him famous again. | ||
| To become actually Rick James, cocaine is a hell of a drug. | ||
| Yeah, it was a huge bump. | ||
| And then every time you're out, all of a sudden, it's like the 70s all over again, and you're Rick James again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the coke starts flowing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, except you don't got a young man's heart anymore. | |
| You got a 67-year-old heart, son. | ||
| He can't be smoking rocks with a 67-year-old heart. | ||
| No more cocaine. | ||
| No cocaine after 14. That's a good rule. | ||
| Or, you know, like I wrote this on Twitter the other day, that at a certain point in time, it becomes pathetic if you're drunk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you hang in there around 70, it gets cool again. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's like if you saw an old dude, and he's 70 years old, and he's drunk on his front lawn, and he's smoking a joint, he's got a bottle of whiskey in his hand, and you're like, what's up, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| You want to give that guy a hug? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but if he was 50, if he's 50 and he's publicly drunk, you're like, oh, listen, man, maybe you need to talk to your wife. | ||
| Sounds like you got a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you guys fight. | ||
| I'm sorry, man. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I'm a fucking bitch, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna tell you what she said to me. | |
| Tell you what she said to me. | ||
| I've been married for seven years, okay? | ||
| I'm gonna tell you what she said to me. | ||
| It's like, sir, I hate to kick you off your own lawn, but you gotta go inside. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| You're 50 years old. | ||
| You shouldn't be drunk. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It's kind of like a war veteran type vibe once you're past 70 and drinking and smoking. | ||
| Yeah, I'm never gonna tell a 70-year-old guy to put away the cigarettes. | ||
| He's earned it. | ||
| But he's over. | ||
| It's over anyway. | ||
| This guy's just the last few days of the movie. | ||
| Just light your cigarettes. | ||
| Do whatever you gotta do. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I think you're absolutely right. | ||
| Brian's hanging in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, if I could just hang in there to 70. 30 more years. | |
| Just hang in there to 70. The people who really want to believe that cigarette smoking is okay, they go, well, I tell you, look, it all depends on the gene. | ||
| If you got that gene, you get the cancer. | ||
| But none of my family has cancer. | ||
| You know, knock on wood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolvation. | ||
| Yeah, not that many people have those genes. | ||
| I don't know who does. | ||
| I think some people just survive somehow or another. | ||
| That is smoke in your lungs every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird one. | ||
| It's a weird one, man. | ||
| I saw this thing the other day where they were talking about the vape pens. | ||
| And they were like, these are clearly being marketed to children. | ||
| Look! | ||
| This has strawberry bubblegum flavor. | ||
| Clearly, this is marketed towards children. | ||
| And I was going, I was watching that going, what are you, what? | ||
| Who pays you? | ||
| Who pays you to say this? | ||
| Well, there's one way to look at it. | ||
| The one way to look at it is to say, well, maybe they really are concerned, but they're just dumb. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and so this is being marketed towards children. | ||
| Or adults that like the taste of candy. | ||
| Is that even possible? | ||
| Candy with your tobacco? | ||
| I think it's pretty fucking possible, isn't it? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So that's one, too. | ||
| Clearly being marketed towards children. | ||
| Can you imagine if you saw a kid with a vape pen? | ||
| And some strawberry bubblegum flavored tobacco. | ||
| There's not an adult in the world that would be like, oh, that's okay. | ||
| Strangers would, like, grab it out of his hand. | ||
| Well, apparently that is a thing with young kids, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They like the vapor pens? | ||
| Kids that are trying to quit smoking. | ||
| Kids that started smoking at age 15 and are fucked. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That happens, man. | ||
| No, absolutely it happens. | ||
| I know someone whose kid is addicted to smoking. | ||
| She's, like, 16 or 17 years old. | ||
| And they've tried to get her off. | ||
| They've done this thing. | ||
| They took her to a rehab. | ||
| He took her to hypnosis. | ||
| She can't get off. | ||
| Do you know if she started with regular cigarettes or electronic cigarettes? | ||
| She started with regular cigarettes. | ||
| My brother was always smoking cigarettes when he was a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like 11, 12. My sister started at 14. Did she still smoke? | |
| No, she quit a while back, but she smoked for a long time. | ||
| She quit when she had kids. | ||
| When she was pregnant, she quit. | ||
| It's dangerous shit, man. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing that it would take you having a baby to quit, but... | ||
| My friend, his mom, he's got an older sister, and his mom quit smoking to have the older sister, and then just smoked through the pregnancy with him. | ||
| She was like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She smoked through her pregnancy? | ||
| She smoked through her pregnancy! | ||
| What an evil bitch. | ||
| Even though she knew how to quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| I've met her. | ||
| That's an evil bitch, bro. | ||
| She might say she's a nice lady. | ||
| She cooked her kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She cooked that kid. | ||
| He's a good friend of mine. | ||
| I'm sure that's probably what's wrong with me. | ||
| My mom smoked while I was in the womb. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She did something wrong. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I remember my friend's mom smoked. | ||
| No one in my family smoked, but my friend's mom smoked, and she would drive us to the bowling alley or whatever, and And it was just smoke in the car. | ||
| I remember thinking as a kid, like, this is so gross. | ||
| I can't smell anything except for smoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So bad. | |
| But it should just keep the windows rolled up. | ||
| Cold out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cold out. | ||
| And it's her car. | ||
| She's gonna smoke in her car. | ||
| With the heat on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll fucking drive your kids around, but I'm not gonna keep the air clean. | |
| Yeah, well, Greg Fitzsimmons has the best stories. | ||
| He lived in Boston, and his parents were chain smokers. | ||
| And so his mother and his father were both chain smokers. | ||
| And they were in this house, like, boxed in. | ||
| I think at the time, actually, he was in New York, I think he said. | ||
| He lived in New York for a while, too. | ||
| And he was just, no air, you know? | ||
| It's in the winter, so the entire house is filled, and he's got asthma all the time. | ||
| It's all fucked up. | ||
| Dad died young of a heart attack. | ||
| Dad didn't even make it to 60. Just fucking using that one to light another one. | ||
| Keep the party rolling. | ||
| Keith Richards. | ||
| He makes it happen. | ||
| I wonder what he smokes. | ||
| I wonder if he's smoking Obama. | ||
| Love that. | ||
| Look how much younger he looked then. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| That was like a week ago. | ||
| That dude aged more than any other president. | ||
| He is stressed the fuck out. | ||
| I wonder what it is. | ||
| I've always wondered if it's stress or if it's a lack of sleep or if it's they showed them where the aliens live. | ||
| I hope it's the latter. | ||
| That would be the best one. | ||
| Or the third one. | ||
| He knows too much about the alien agenda. | ||
| That would keep you up at night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why he plays along with the rules. | ||
| He's like, it doesn't matter if they rape the earth. | ||
| Do you want to fucking know what's behind the moon? | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| No, but in all seriousness, no one person should have a job that does that to them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| A job that ages everybody just in a crazy way. | ||
| That's a great lesson. | ||
| The president is a great lesson for people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, don't... | ||
| Don't work that hard. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Look what happens to the president when he works that hard. | ||
| Like, you're gonna burn that thing out, man. | ||
| And everybody's going for a second term? | ||
| Like, everybody goes for it. | ||
| Does anybody quit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Does anybody ever get to four years and go, you know what, man, fuck this. | ||
| Not recently. | ||
| Not in the last 20 years. | ||
| Has it ever happened? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| I'm gonna say a president has never quit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, Richard Nixon was impeached. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Has a president ever resigned? | ||
| What do you think, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think Teddy Roosevelt did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is it a physical issue? | ||
| No, I think he didn't want to hog it. | ||
| And then he was bummed that he did it. | ||
| Richard Nixon, that's it. | ||
| Richard Nixon resigned from office. | ||
| And all he did was spy on people. | ||
| Yeah, that's nothing. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| That's all he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not a cracker. | |
| And he did things that they were already doing. | ||
| Everybody was doing that. | ||
| They were all spying on each other. | ||
| Everybody spies on each other back then. | ||
| But the public wasn't ready for that shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They were like, not my America! | ||
| Well, it's kind of interesting, but that's how a lot of weirdness went on with the CIA after the Nixon... | ||
| Like that's when Freedom of Information Act was like all over the news. | ||
| It was big issues. | ||
| And that's when they had this nuclear submarine that was a Russian nuclear submarine. | ||
| It was an issue of or an episode of Radiolab, which is one of my favorite podcasts. | ||
| And what a Glomar response is, Glomar was a corporation, Global Marine. | ||
| And they were responsible for rescuing this nuclear submarine. | ||
| They had a contract to pull this nuclear submarine that the Russians had lost from the bottom of the ocean. | ||
| It was like a seven-mile thing. | ||
| They had to pull it. | ||
| Crazy thing. | ||
| And so when the news got leaked and they had to respond to the press, they were being asked whether or not they had this nuclear submarine in their possession. | ||
| They knew because of the Freedom of Information Act that they had to give a response. | ||
| They had to answer. | ||
| So the response was, I can neither confirm nor deny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's become something that people say constantly. | ||
| I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Sheen was in that whorehouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That Mr. Bryant was with this woman. | ||
| When they do stuff like that, it's called a Glomar response. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then it all came out of this because of the Nixon administration's fuck-ups. | ||
| Because everybody was like aghast at Watergate. | ||
| And they wanted to, like, he told us he didn't do anything. | ||
| He lied. | ||
| We're going to get those liars. | ||
| We're going to go after those liars. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so that's where all that shit came from. | ||
| Until they got good at lying again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now they got it down. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You've probably talked about JFK a lot on this podcast, right? | ||
| Or not? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| I just saw this recent thing on CNN, and it was all about, like, yeah, Oswald did it. | ||
| I mean, I always thought... | ||
| I always thought it was, like, this big conspiracy, and now we're back to Oswald did it? | ||
| The mainstream America version is that Oswald did it. | ||
| I mean, if you want to listen to... | ||
| Most of the mainstream experts, you know, quote-unquote, that are on television, they would say Oswald did it alone. | ||
| I don't think he did it alone. | ||
| I don't think it makes any sense. | ||
| But it's one of those things that you really don't know unless you were there. | ||
| And there's enough information back and forth on both sides where the whole thing gets incredibly sketchy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just saw those old... | ||
| I guess they're PBS documentaries from the 80s. | ||
| And those just seemed... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It just seemed like they had a lot of, not evidence exactly, but other people's perspectives, and we saw other people dressed as cops and stuff like that. | ||
| There might have been other people, but the problem is, one of the things that they say about any experience, when something goes down, like if there was a crazy explosion right across the street from us right now, and you and I just happen to be outside shooting the shit, podcast is over, and the building across the street from us explodes. | ||
| We might have two completely different stories as to what went down. | ||
| And if you compare those stories, one of us might not have been paying attention. | ||
| One of us might have a problem with the truth. | ||
| One of us might want to exaggerate when a camera's there. | ||
| One of us might want to make it seem like he was a hero. | ||
| One of us might want to... | ||
| I saw a man run out of that car. | ||
| Eyewitness evidence, eyewitness accounts are terrible. | ||
| They're really unreliable. | ||
| You ever talk to someone that you know, and you guys went through some weird shit together, and you go back, and he gives you a version of it, and you compare it to your version, and you're like, one of us is fucking crazy. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Because I don't remember any of the shit you're talking about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So when you hear about, like, people who said they saw cops, and people who said that, you know, I witnessed the CIA give the thumbs up, and then the shooting started. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, maybe you were, but maybe you're just making a bunch of shit up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Memories are terrible, dude. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They're awful. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But if you look at the evidence, tough to shoot someone three times that accurately from a window with a rifle that has a shitty scope, but it is possible. | ||
| Everybody says it's not possible. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| The real problem is the impacts on the body. | ||
| The magic bullet theory that went through one body. | ||
| Well, it's not magic. | ||
| See, you're just confused about the perspective. | ||
| I've seen it all. | ||
| What's magic is the bullet hit bones, shattered bones, and came out looking like that. | ||
| That looks like a bullet that got shot into a swimming pool. | ||
| And anybody who tells you any differently is not being honest. | ||
| That seems weird. | ||
| Is it possible that the bone was shattered by that bullet and it came out looking like that? | ||
| It's very unlikely. | ||
| Very, very unlikely. | ||
| It might be possible. | ||
| I mean, in the freakiest of freaky circumstances. | ||
| But when bullets hit things, they fuck up. | ||
| They twist up. | ||
| They bend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, there's stronger bullets than other ones, full metal jacketed bullets like that one, a little bit stronger. | ||
| But you're talking about like a bullet that left fragments in people's bodies, too. | ||
| It wasn't as simple as the bullet got through shattered bone cleanly and fell onto it. | ||
| No, it left little pieces of metal, pieces of metal that aren't actually missing from the bullet that they found. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's screwy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a screwy story, and it's a story that they wanted that guy dead. | ||
| Everybody wanted that guy dead. | ||
| There was a bunch of people that wanted that guy dead. | ||
| It wasn't hard to imagine someone plotted to murder him. | ||
| It seems pretty likely that someone wanted to murder him. | ||
| And I don't think it's likely that Oswald wanted to do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I think it's way more likely that some of these incredibly powerful groups that would profit off of him being dead would want him dead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think back then in 1969, 1963 as it were, you weren't that accountable, man. | ||
| You can get away with shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I also think that people like to tie up history with a nice neat little bow, you know. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Forget all your conspiracy shenanigans. | ||
| Oswald acted alone. | ||
| It was a weird news program. | ||
| It was on CNN, and it was very much like, come on! | ||
| It was Oswald. | ||
| For like two hours straight. | ||
| I would like to see someone who knows a lot about the case debate them. | ||
| Not me, but someone who actually knows a lot about the case debate them. | ||
| You know, my take is that it's not an either-or. | ||
| You know, when everyone, Oswald did this, Oswald did that, Oswald did it. | ||
| Or Oswald was a part of it. | ||
| That's possible as well. | ||
| And that's one thing that people aren't considering. | ||
| The idea that Oswald got killed because he knew too much, he was going to expose it. | ||
| Well, it could have been that he got killed because, look, they arrested him. | ||
| If we kill him, then they're not even going to know about all the other shooters. | ||
| But if they hold that guy and start interrogating him and he starts telling about the entire plan... | ||
| And then someone gets in trouble. | ||
| So what do they do? | ||
| They murder him in front of a bunch of cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they had a guy with mob ties do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole thing stinks. | ||
| And anybody who pretends it doesn't stink, you're just trying to put a neat little bow on it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And be the guy who's not... | ||
| You're a no-nonsense guy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm a no-nonsense guy. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We both know. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Oswald acted alone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| End of story. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's fucking hippies. | ||
| They'll believe anything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Lee Harvey Oswald. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I just know that that's a crazy thing that they can kill the president. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And if they did get away with it, if there is a group of people, whether it's the CIA or the FBI or the fucking mob or whoever it was... | ||
| If someone did get away with killing the president, that's incredible. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| You know, look, people can't keep secrets. | ||
| That's proven fact. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| That's the number one reason why you should think that it... | ||
| Because people can't keep secrets. | ||
| People have always kept secrets. | ||
| I think I'd be able to keep a secret that would put me in jail. | ||
| People are pretty good at keeping secrets. | ||
| Anybody who says that people are bad at keeping secrets just is not taking into account how many fucking secrets there really are. | ||
| That they don't know about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What you're seeing is the shitty secrets. | ||
| You know? | ||
| When you see someone get busted for something, what you're seeing is a bunch of weak-jawed bitches. | ||
| Flapping off at the gums and ruining their perfect situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| But another group might be able to dress up like an owl god, sacrifice a hooker, light it on fire, go back to work in the morning, give each other their little owl sign as they fucking make their way to the bathroom passing. | ||
| And they might keep that the day they die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It might be fun for them. | ||
| Like being a mason or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fight club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jihadist. | ||
| That's definitely something. | ||
| Dude, it's a radical life. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Giving sacrifices, but you're doing it for Allah. | ||
| You're out there blowing up bitches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Making it real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Keeping chicks from driving. | ||
| Keeping chicks from being seen. | ||
| Yeah, cover up. | ||
| Cover up and no driving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Done! | |
| My religion says so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My religion says so. | |
| I sat next to two women on the... | ||
| I took a Greyhound bus for the first time over my Midwest tour. | ||
| Whoa, you're an animal. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| Because the budget was dwindling. | ||
| And I needed to get back to Cleveland. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| So I took the Greyhound. | ||
| And sitting next to me were two women in burkas. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| It was hot. | ||
| And it didn't smell good. | ||
| Oh, it was hot like out. | ||
| It wasn't hot like sexy. | ||
| It wasn't sexy. | ||
| It was BO-ish. | ||
| There's a little bit of sexiness to it. | ||
| There's something. | ||
| It's like, let's make a deal. | ||
| Like, what's going on under there? | ||
| It would be great. | ||
| It would be great if they were hot and they were just into doing it because they only wanted to show themselves with their man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it was their idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be kind of cool, right? | ||
| That would be kind of wild. | ||
| That would be kind of wild. | ||
| If you dated a chick and she just started showing up, she showed up with a burka and she was hot as fuck, she wore a burka and you're like, why are you wearing a burka? | ||
| I just don't want anybody to see me but you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You'd be like, whoa. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's pretty hot. | ||
| That's an intense commitment. | ||
| But that's also a chick who will burn your fucking whole town down in hopes of killing you when you break up with her. | ||
| Sure! | ||
| She loves you. | ||
| She'll fucking set a gas leak in your entire town slowly in the middle of the night. | ||
| She'll plan it out in advance. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like a crazy bitch, but whoever the guy was that first invented the burka, what a hater. | ||
| Steve Burka. | ||
| What a bitch. | ||
| That guy's a cock-bocker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy's the worst pimp hand ever. | ||
| His pimp hand's so weak, he has to cover his chicks up. | ||
| Cover up! | ||
| There's so much of you looking out like this. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Everything else, cloth. | ||
| It's so heartbreaking, man. | ||
| What's a big part of the world? | ||
| It's not like 20 people are doing it. | ||
| Right, and it's hard to get rid of the psychology. | ||
| Oh, it's impossible, right? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Does it bum you out? | ||
| You want to rescue those chicks? | ||
| It does bum me out, but I think they're past the point of being rescued. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Well, I don't want to put the effort in, but if I can do it like that... | ||
| I mean, it just bums me out. | ||
| If you could take them to the Amazon, show them the dragon, take them for a ride, and then immediately bring them back and sort of reinvigorate them back into society. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'd do it. | ||
| You would do it? | ||
| If it took like maybe a week or two. | ||
| I'm not going to dedicate my life to it. | ||
| You should offer that as a service. | ||
| I should. | ||
| The full charge. | ||
| That's what you call it. | ||
| I'm a comedian, podcaster, and burka liberator. | ||
| Yeah, burka liberator. | ||
| I like it, dude. | ||
| You just take these Arab chicks and just are not having a good go of it. | ||
| How's your passport, ladies? | ||
| How is it? | ||
| Is it fresh? | ||
| Is it ready for a Peru stamp? | ||
| Ka-chunk. | ||
| Now you're naked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're partying with the full charge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They probably never drank before, so they don't know what to do with that shit. | ||
| We travel by greyhounds. | ||
| Yeah, that would be rude to try to get someone drunk for the first time once you've liberated them from their burqa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's... | ||
| You don't have that kind of experience. | ||
| You can't just drink. | ||
| You can't just drink and party when you've been wearing a burqa your whole life. | ||
| No. | ||
| Reading off some ancient texts. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| How long has the burqa been around, if you had to guess? | ||
| If I had to guess, I would say it's been around for... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Over 2,000 years, but I really don't know. | ||
| Alright, we're gonna find out. | ||
| I'm gonna say... | ||
| I'm going to say you're right. | ||
| How's the burqa? | ||
| Before BC, my history in BC is very fuzzy. | ||
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| I'm an AD kind of guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| The face-veiling portion is usually a rectangular piece of semi-transparent cloth with its top edge attached to a portion of the headscarf. | ||
| Okay, when did it come from? | ||
| Islamic text. | ||
| The Quran has no requirement that women cover their faces with a veil or cover their bodies with the full-body burqa. | ||
| That's the name of my burqa. | ||
| The full-body burqa. | ||
| Full-body burqa. | ||
| It's called a chador. | ||
| It's not in the Quran. | ||
| Many Muslims believe that the collected traditions of the life of Muhammad or Hadith require both men and women to dress and behave modestly in public. | ||
| However, this requirement has been interpreted in many different ways by Islamic scholars and Muslim communities. | ||
| Some interpretations say that a veil is not compulsory or that it's not compulsory in front of blind men, asexual men, or gay men. | ||
| But gay men aren't allowed either, are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to get rid of them, right? | ||
| They're supposed to hit them with rocks. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| Say what you want about America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the real problem is what we were talking about before. | ||
| A lot of these areas, they've been living like this for a long time. | ||
| It's hard to get out of that. | ||
| It's hard to snap that, stop that culture dead in its tracks and try to figure out a better way to live your lives. | ||
| And to do it in a way that is completely alien to thousands and thousands of years of tradition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's the thing. | ||
| You've got to come up with these ideas by yourself and you've got to figure out how to get away from it when no one's there to help you, I assume. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| And say to the faithful woman to lower their gazes and guard their private parts and not to display their beauty except what is apparent of it and to extend their head coverings to cover their bosoms And not to display their beauty except to their husbands, | ||
| or their fathers, or their husbands' fathers, or their sons, or their husbands' sons, or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their womenfolk, or what their right hands rule. | ||
| Or their tennis instructor. | ||
| That's slaves. | ||
| They're slaves. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Or the followers from the men who do not feel sexual desire. | ||
| What? | ||
| The followers from the men who do not feel sexual desire, or small children, to whom the nakedness of women is not apparent, and not to strike their feet on the ground, so as to make known what they hide of their adornments. | ||
| Strike their feet on the ground so their tits jiggle. | ||
| They're saying, don't make your ass and tits jiggle. | ||
| Because chicks were twerking in the olden days. | ||
| This is an anti-twerking passage in the Quran. | ||
| That's where it all starts. | ||
| That's what they're saying. | ||
| That's where civilization... | ||
| Don't stomp your feet on the ground as to make known what they hide of their adornments. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Man, that's deep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it depresses me, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it? | |
| Well, and didn't you just read that it's not really part of the Koran? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Well, some Muslim societies don't use it. | ||
| So, that happens all the time. | ||
| Like, religions will just adopt an idea... | ||
| Like, there's a lot of Christians that like going to war. | ||
| That type of thing. | ||
| Well, there's all sorts of weird interpretations of old languages, too. | ||
| That's where things get kind of squirrely. | ||
| When you're reading some shit that was something that's 2,000 years old or even more. | ||
| I mean, the context, like trying to put it in context, trying to figure out what life was like back then. | ||
| And why are they smarter than us? | ||
| Why are we looking to them? | ||
| Yeah, why aren't you? | ||
| I mean, I feel like we're smarter than them. | ||
| Yeah, duh. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| That's just me thinking again. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what it is, man? | ||
| We like old shit. | ||
| We do. | ||
| We love old shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're doing this because our forefathers did this. | ||
| We love the ancient texts, the ancient wisdom, the ancient scholars. | ||
| People love that. | ||
| They love that they can find something from the past that was, like, forgotten. | ||
| The ancient scholars knew all about life, the origins of the universe. | ||
| Like, when we find, like... | ||
| Something on the wall of some sort of a temple in Iraq, you know, that's thousands of years old, and it's the solar system. | ||
| People freak out. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Look at the knowledge they had. | ||
| Like, my six-year-old draws solar systems that good. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| She drew the sun. | ||
| She drew Jupiter and Earth. | ||
| She copied it off of a book. | ||
| But my point is, that's a shitty solar system that was 6,000 years ago. | ||
| Of course our solar system is better. | ||
| Have you ever watched Cosmos, you fuck? | ||
| Our version of the solar system is way better than that old dumb shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's impressive that they did this. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yes, it's fascinating. | ||
| Yes, it's historically enriching that we could look at this stuff. | ||
| I mean, it's a trip. | ||
| Have you ever been to the Natural History Museum and checked out some ancient Egyptian artifacts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| It's dope. | ||
| It's fascinating and fantastic. | ||
| King Tut, baby. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's fascinating. | ||
| You get to look at something that was made thousands of years ago. | ||
| People that just lived a completely different way than you. | ||
| It's humbling. | ||
| And Fonzie's jacket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fonzie's jacket? | ||
| No, that's all at the DC, all the DC museums. | ||
| They really have Fonzie's jackets? | ||
| Oh, they got Fonzie's jacket! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's incredibly small. | |
| They got the puffy shirt. | ||
| Fonzie's jacket's tiny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How tall is Henry Winkler? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I had a picture with him. | ||
| I took a picture with him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He was on that show, one of the movies that I did, with Kevin James. | ||
| Here Comes the Boom. | ||
| He was the teacher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| Yeah, seems like it. | ||
| Henry Winker's one of the nicest people I've ever met. | ||
| He's just genuinely, openly nice and friendly, and he loves to fly fish. | ||
| He loves to go out and fly fish on rivers and stuff. | ||
| And he wrote a book about it called, I've Never Met an Idiot on the River. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably got really lucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If that's the case. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking idiots on the river. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| How often do you do those tours where you go out for like three weeks like that? | ||
| Not often. | ||
| Not often. | ||
| I've been doing them recently because I've been opening for Kreischer, doing split weeks, and I kind of got to like do a tour to make them work, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then I try to hit stuff in between, and then I'll throw in a headlining thing. | ||
| It just doesn't make a lot of sense to come all the way back to L.A., but I'm kind of over that, because it's just not that much fun, and it wears you down. | ||
| I mean, the Kreischer parts are fun. | ||
| The Kreischer parts are great when you go on the road with your buddies, but yeah, three weeks is hard as fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When I'm just chilling in Valley Park, Missouri, and 15 people are showing up a night, it's like... | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Where were you at? | ||
| It was like doing the comedy store in Missouri. | ||
| Saturday night was good, but... | ||
| So two shows were great, and then the other four were just like that comedy store original room style of comedy. | ||
| Did you do like Thursday through Sunday? | ||
| Is that what you did? | ||
| Thursday through Sunday. | ||
| It's so funny, too, because I only have a couple fans, so actual fans will come up to see me do shows in front of 15 people. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's got to be weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is weird. | |
| For them, it's got to be cool as fuck, though. | ||
| They're a little concerned. | ||
| They shouldn't. | ||
| They should look at it this way. | ||
| You're funny, you're talented, and it's just a matter of people knowing about you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they get in on the ground floor, they get mad street cred. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They were there. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| They were there. | ||
| I saw Richard Jenney perform in front of a very small crowd, a Catch Rising star on a Wednesday night one night in Boston. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| It was a half-fold audience. | ||
| Nobody knew who he was back then. | ||
| But I was like, wow, this is amazing. | ||
| So they got to see you when you were eating shit. | ||
| And I'm half-joking. | ||
| The shows were actually all really fun. | ||
| They were just like, before the show started, it's like... | ||
| 15 people. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| And that was the whole audience, 15 people. | ||
| Some nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It could get up to 20, and I think the good nights... | ||
| It could get up to 20. There was two good shows with about 50, 60 people, and those were like a lot of fun, especially compared to the smaller shows. | ||
| But it was never horrible because they did laugh. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But you're funny and that's the hardest thing to do. | ||
| So all that matters from here on out is you just keep doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You just keep doing it. | ||
| They'll be able to laugh one day. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They'll be able to say, I saw you in front of 15 people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In Nebraska. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'd be like, I remember that. | ||
| This club was kind of ghetto. | ||
| After my first show on Thursday, two people walked into the back alley and started screwing up against a dumpster. | ||
| That sounds like a great place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, I mean, it only goes to show you how inspiring I am as a comic. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You make people fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's true. | ||
| Make people horny. | ||
| A lot of people kill boners with their comedy. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You excited them. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I make it sexy. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| What club? | ||
| Valley Park, Missouri. | ||
| Funny Bone. | ||
| It's only been open since like October. | ||
| Is there a chain of Funny Bones or do they buy the name? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Because they seem to be independent. | ||
| I don't fully understand it. | ||
| There's people that own... | ||
| There's one guy that owns a bunch, and then I think it's like a franchise you can kind of buy in or something. | ||
| Like, what about the Funny Bone of Columbus? | ||
| That's a guy named Dave Stroop owns a lot of those. | ||
| Oh, he owns more than one of those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Worked for that guy many times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That club's great. | ||
| Columbus? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That place is great. | ||
| I heard they just remodeled it also. | ||
| Oh, why would they do that? | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| I think they did something like they just made it bigger. | ||
| That was always kind of weird. | ||
| They never really had a green room. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| You have to go to Dave's office and hang out, but whatever. | ||
| You're in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| You can't get all highfalutin'. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got to deal with what you got to deal with. | ||
| But I'm doing Austin. | ||
| Coming up soon. | ||
| I'm doing Cap City. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm getting ready to do my comedy special, so I'm doing a week at the club. | ||
| They painted over all the writing in the green room. | ||
| What's wrong with them? | ||
| So dumb. | ||
| That was history. | ||
| You think the full charge wasn't fucking written up there? | ||
| Because it was. | ||
| I'm sure it was. | ||
| It's under some paint now. | ||
| Yeah, that was history. | ||
| That wall was covered in history, and they decided to make it pretty. | ||
| Whoever did it was just a boner killer. | ||
| I don't know who did that. | ||
| Whoever you are out there, you know who you are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoever gave it the green light, whosever idea it was, ugh. | ||
| Atlanta Punchline still got it. | ||
| My favorite one, I think we talked about this, my favorite thing was right in front of the toilet. | ||
| It said, keep the toilet seat up so maybe it will make women not want to do comedy or something like that. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Keep women out of comedy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| The best is the Atlanta Punchline. | ||
| That back room still has writing everywhere. | ||
| I haven't been there. | ||
| I'm going there in August. | ||
| You never did it? | ||
| I'm going there in August, I think. | ||
| You've never done it? | ||
| Never done it. | ||
| Ooh, it's a classic. | ||
| It's one of the best clubs. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| It's a real legit awesome club. | ||
| Old school as fuck. | ||
| You look on the wall, you see an old Barry Sobel picture. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One of those. | ||
| Love that shit. | ||
| Kenny Rogerson photo up. | ||
| Yeah, like Zany's in Nashville will not take down the old headshots. | ||
| And they shouldn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| They shouldn't. | ||
| Zany's in Nashville is another one. | ||
| It's another classic spot. | ||
| But on the back room of the Atlanta punchline, it says, quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| That was so appropriate, too, at the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the 90s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Everyone I knew... | ||
| Tried to be Hicks. | ||
| We all got caught up in it. | ||
| I went to two open mics and somebody actually handed me a tape with Bill Hicks on it. | ||
| It was Woody Allen and Bill Hicks. | ||
| One side was Bill Hicks, one side was Woody Allen. | ||
| What did you like better? | ||
| I definitely like Bill Hicks better. | ||
| I listened to this thing at the time. | ||
| I probably still do. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Do you take off any points because Woody Allen's a perv? | ||
| No, not for that. | ||
| I assume he wasn't that much of a perv back then. | ||
| That does actually bother me. | ||
| Not as much as a woman in a burka. | ||
| It does bother me, but I still kind of like to watch his movies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's a good movie maker. | ||
| Yeah, so I guess. | ||
| But I think that's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Well, there's a picture of him at the basketball game when his daughter was young and she's sitting on his lap and she's really little. | ||
| And then there's a picture of him at the basketball game many years later and they're holding hands as a couple. | ||
| Yeah, it's so weird. | ||
| It's just, whoa. | ||
| I don't think that's okay at all. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| That's deep. | ||
| That is a completely different kind of experience. | ||
| That's deep. | ||
| You were there when that thing, that person, was a baby. | ||
| A little small child. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I choose not to speculate. | ||
| I watched a... | ||
| I'm not callous about it. | ||
| Obviously, I denounce it. | ||
| I'll say that. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| I don't know any of the particulars. | ||
| I barely paid attention to that whole case. | ||
| I just don't like to... | ||
| Whenever I see... | ||
| People in those sort of terrifying situations, the man, the woman splitting up, the man going after the girl's daughter, and they're together now, and I'm like, oh, I don't want to feel any of your fucking crazy pain. | ||
| But I was listening to a thing the other day. | ||
| I didn't know it was an interview. | ||
| I thought it was Woody Allen's comedy, and I downloaded it. | ||
| And it was Woody Allen talking about stand-up. | ||
| And it was him talking about all of the different kinds of joke writers and different... | ||
| And this is a long-ass fucking time ago. | ||
| And it was really kind of interesting, man. | ||
| It was really interesting to listen to him from like, gosh, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, if I had a guess, I'd say it was probably like the 1950s or something like that. | ||
| And he's talking about comedy. | ||
| If I had a guess by the references that he was using, maybe the 60s. | ||
| But he's talking about stand-up and he's talking about different... | ||
| And a lot of the shit that he was saying back then still holds true today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think he was part of that kind of hipster, original, alt-room... | ||
| Comedy, like they just used to do it at makeshift places in the village and not necessarily clubs or comedy clubs or strip clubs or however, whatever was traditional back then. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that wild? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they would do it, they would do it in like, they would open for people too, like for bands and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would do stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, and they'd just do it in coffee shops and stuff. | ||
| It's really weird because the stand-up comedy that we know today really started in the 70s, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe the 60s? | ||
| The 60s? | ||
| Well, it was Lenny Bruce, really. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the number one. | ||
| That's the first seed, I think. | ||
| There was a bunch of other guys like that there that was sort of in that vein at the time. | ||
| They were coming along with him back and forth, but he was the original. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's even old Rodney Dangerfield where he tries to do a Lenny Bruce style where it's a big long story. | ||
| You know how Rodney Dangerfield's known for one-liners? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He used to do these really long-form jokes about getting his car fixed and riding in an airplane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Woody Allen on Comedy is the name of it. | ||
| It's available on Amazon if anybody wants to get it. | ||
| It's just ten different things. | ||
| Ten different short little clips that they have broken up into segments on different topics. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| I've always been fascinated by the writing style. | ||
| Everybody's got their own sort of style. | ||
| And I'm also fascinated by how few people actually write. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you find out that there's a lot of comics that don't actually sit down and write, like, whoa. | ||
| You can't fake it for an hour, buddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't just sit down with some coffee and scribble. | ||
| Lazy bitch. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You have the opportunity to be a professional comedian. | ||
| You've actually figured out a way to make it through that, and you're not even writing anything down. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because even if you write all the time and you record a lot of your thoughts and stuff, there's still so few, so little amount of material that makes it to the stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, if you're doing nothing, then nothing's happening. | ||
| Well, that's those guys that you run into ten years later and they're doing the same act and you're like, oh, you poor bastard. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You poor bastard. | ||
| It's not even changed like not even two minutes of it is different. | ||
| Well, it's like comedy is so scary sometimes that sometimes you just get a little life raft of an act and you just want to sit on it and just wait. | ||
| Because that new joke, it's a painful thing, dude. | ||
| It's a painful thing. | ||
| That's why it's an awesome growth process to do it the way Ari does it or Burr does it or Louis C.K. does it to do it that way. | ||
| Abandon ship. | ||
| Imagine if bands had to do that. | ||
| Every year they abandon ship. | ||
| Yeah, no, they'd be in trouble because they gotta play the hits. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| That's the difference between comedy and music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only one who got to play the hits in comedy was Dice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard Rodney got to play the hits. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| I forget where I heard that, but I believe it. | ||
| Those are different times, though. | ||
| That was a different era, you know? | ||
| You ever see Rodney live? | ||
| Never! | ||
| He's one of my favorites. | ||
| I got to see him a few times. | ||
| I got to see him late in life, too. | ||
| I got to see him at the Laugh Factory, like, real late. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was, like, in his 60s, hanging out with some 40-year-old chick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were still partying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| That's so funny. | ||
| Took him back to my place, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I always think it's really funny that when I was a kid in the 80s... | ||
| I wasn't heavily into Rodney Dangerfield, but I'd go see his movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is weird. | ||
| Like, what 11-year-olds are going to see movies about 60-year-olds now and laughing? | ||
| That's really weird. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| That's a great way of putting it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But he was also someone that everybody loved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you didn't think of Rodney as, like, an old guy. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would think of other old guys as, like, old guys. | ||
| He's like the coolest guy in Back to School. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's the coolest guy in the movie, and he's the oldest guy in the movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who was his romantic interest? | ||
| That's that woman that does like the teacher, professor? | ||
| Hidden Valley commercials. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was a professor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was in Meatballs 3. How old was she at the time? | |
| Dangerfield was like 60, if you had to guess. | ||
| She must have been somewhere around 50. Yeah. | ||
| Maybe a little younger. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have a hard time with that because I found her very attractive. | ||
| How attractive? | ||
| Like you would bust a move? | ||
| Yeah, I think I would. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think I would. | ||
| What's your age limit you would cut a chick off at? | ||
| I think around 55. Whoa, you're a generous man. | ||
| I mean, it all depends. | ||
| It all depends, right? | ||
| It depends on if she goes to yoga... | ||
| There's some good-looking 55 out there. | ||
| There are now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There are now. | ||
| It's getting scientific. | ||
| Have you seen Christy Brinkley? | ||
| Yes, and that's exactly the type of thing I'm talking about. | ||
| How old is Christy Brinkley now? | ||
| She's up there. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| Have you seen Helen Hunt lately? | ||
| No, I don't need to do that. | ||
| There's this movie called The Session. | ||
| What are you trying to kill my boner? | ||
| We're talking about Christy Brinkley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were going... | |
| Bringing up Helen Hunt. | ||
| You're going the wrong way. | ||
| I know, but you've got to hear this. | ||
| Let's pull up a picture of Christy Blankie to cleanse my palate. | ||
| Let's take this conversation slow. | ||
| This is getting exciting. | ||
| There was this movie called The Session, and if you just look up the preview of it, it's about this guy that has an iron lung, and he's very like Stephen Hawking in the movie, just laying there going, oh, and stuff. | ||
| And so Helen Hunt's like his therapist or something, and he goes, she's like, oh, you need to get laid. | ||
| So she starts taking off her clothes, and you see her full bush, her body. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| What movie is this? | ||
| It's called The Session. | ||
| Is this an old movie? | ||
| No, this came out like two years ago, and it's just Helen Hunt fucking this retarded guy, not retarded, this iron lung guy. | ||
| And it's just creepy as fuck. | ||
| It's just a creepy version of Helen Hunt. | ||
| Her face looks weird. | ||
| And you just see her bush and she's having sex through the whole movie. | ||
| Pull up that picture. | ||
| Sounds pretty good. | ||
| Christy Brinkley, bitch. | ||
| Disgusting me. | ||
| Yeah, that's current. | ||
| Okay, and she's gotta be how old? | ||
| She's old. | ||
| Look at her throat, though. | ||
| Whatever, dude. | ||
| A little tuck. | ||
| Make her wear a scarf. | ||
| Get her into horse riding. | ||
| I would make her drive in a convertible and chase me around while I drove in a station wagon. | ||
| Uptown girl. | ||
| Well, if you compare the way she looks today and the way she looked when she was with Billy Joel, not that difference. | ||
| Compare the way Billy Joel looks today and the way Billy Joel looked when he was with Christy Brinkley, I think she's a vampire. | ||
| I think she stole his soul. | ||
| Do you think this threatening is caused by cock? | ||
| Just tons of cock in her mouth for years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's age, bro. | |
| Your skin gets bad. | ||
| She's 60 years old. | ||
| Most likely, Brian. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| She's 60 years old. | ||
| You don't respond to them that dumb. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| She looks fantastic. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's as good as a 60-year-old woman has ever looked in the history of the world. | ||
| Yeah, and that's what I mean. | ||
| We're talking about exceptions when I say 55. Yeah, you're not looking at her and going, oh, she looks good for 60. You're looking at her and going, damn, she looks really good. | ||
| She's hot, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| And her body's really nice, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Christy Fulcheron. | ||
| Kapow, kapow. | ||
| I'll take it, son. | ||
| I'll take it all day long. | ||
| Yeah, you make out with her. | ||
| I'll take that throat gutter. | ||
| It's not that bad, dude. | ||
| Her throat doesn't look bad. | ||
| You're focusing on the wrong thing. | ||
| Yeah, what do you... | ||
| You got a mirror, bitch? | ||
| You're gonna be very unhappy. | ||
| You should go focus on that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That throat gutter's weird. | ||
| Yeah, it ain't that bad, dude. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| You're looking at her neck. | ||
| You're looking at a still image. | ||
| Who cares about that thing? | ||
| You're so dumb. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| She needs to shave her neck a little. | ||
| Brian, that's nothing. | ||
| You're saying nothing. | ||
| You're making noise with your face. | ||
| You're really frustrating me right now, Brian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's nothing going on with what you're saying. | ||
| You're just fixating on necks. | ||
| Necks get a lot worse. | ||
| Speaking of necks, there's a video that I tweeted today. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| It's some climate change denier lady, and she's got a weird neck. | ||
| You look at the picture on my Twitter, and you'll see what I'm talking about. | ||
| But it's one of the dumbest climate change denial videos I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| For whatever reason, I don't know what this is, but there's a lot of, like, down-home country-type people that want to tell you climate change is a myth. | ||
| Like Oswald? | ||
| This is her. | ||
| This is her. | ||
| See? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that neck! | |
| You compare her neck to Christy Brinkley's neck, I'll take Christy Brinkley's neck all day. | ||
| But play the video, because it's quite hilarious. | ||
| It's so strange, in fact, that it's hard to believe that there's a lot of people like that, but that she's going on about climate change. | ||
| Climate change is a myth. | ||
|
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|
Why are they so upset? | |
| Congress! | ||
| I said something very provocative. | ||
| I said that global warming is a hoax. | ||
| Naturally, liberals in the lamestream media became unglued and attacked me immediately. | ||
| But as George Orwell once wrote, in the time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. | ||
| A specter is haunting America. | ||
| It is perhaps the greatest deception in the history of mankind. | ||
| It has been almost 10 years since failed presidential candidate Al Gore put out his propaganda film, The Inconvenient Truth, proclaiming that the actions of America's energy industry are causing a catastrophic rise in the Earth's temperature. | ||
| But quite inconveniently for Al Gore and for the rest of the politicians who continue to advance this delusion, any ten-year-old can invalidate their thesis with one of the simplest scientific devices known to man, a thermometer. | ||
| The earth has done nothing but get colder each year since the film's release. | ||
| God certainly has a wonderful sense of irony. | ||
| President Obama knows it's getting colder. | ||
| He was foolish enough to blame our recent pathetic economic growth on record freezing weather. | ||
| And then he turned around and launched a new debate on global warming. | ||
| In the Obama administration, down is up, 2 plus 2 equals 5, and ignorance is strength. | ||
| Last summer, Antarctica reached the coldest temperature in recorded history. | ||
| There's record sheet ice and a 60% rise of ice in the Arctic Sea. | ||
| Polar bears have been forced out of their habitat because of overpopulation. | ||
| Liberals have professed that global warming would cause an increase in severe weather systems, such as hurricanes. | ||
| And they blame global warming every time these dangerous storms take place. | ||
| But experts agree, over the last several years, storms have decreased. | ||
| Perhaps the biggest clue that this is one big scam was swept under the rug by the lapdog media. | ||
| A computer hacker obtained access to the mail server at the Climate Research Center of East Anglia in the UK and downloaded over 1,000 emails proving without a shadow of a doubt that these so-called scientists had falsified data. | ||
| The conspiracy of global warming has had a devastating effect on the American dream. | ||
| The rise of modern society since the first refinement of crude oil in 1847 is no coincidence. | ||
| America's energy producers fueled the Industrial Revolution, which caused never-before-seen advances in living standards for the masses of ordinary people. | ||
| It was the burning of oil that energized the foundation of a real middle class in the 20th century, giving them access to new luxuries such as electric lights, refrigeration, and automobiles. | ||
| It was free market capitalism that created the wealthiest society the Earth had ever seen. | ||
| But now, both capitalism and our energy industry are under attack, and the hoax of global warming is the dagger. | ||
| It's exhausting. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Can you imagine if you had that chick over for a dinner party? | ||
| And she just keeps going. | ||
| She started hitting you with that. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| And she's reading off fucking cue cards? | ||
| Because that did not sound like her ideas. | ||
| No, she was reading. | ||
| Well, it might have been her ideas, but she was definitely reading something that was written out in advance. | ||
| I do notice, and this is like total nitpicking, but they're quoting this movie, they're shitting on this movie, An Inconvenient Truth. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They got the title wrong. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| They said the inconvenient truth. | ||
| And I know I'm nitpicking, but if that's your main argument, it's weird that they're not looking it up. | ||
| Well, I have a theory. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I think she's dumb as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| She's dumb as fuck, but not available. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That was the best take they got. | ||
| So they're like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| It's the inconvenient truth. | ||
| Dumb as fuck, but not available. | ||
| Not available. | ||
| Doesn't know she's dumb as fuck. | ||
| Probably thinks she's pretty smart. | ||
| God has a wonderful sense of humor. | ||
| A thermometer. | ||
| I like when Obama was stressed out about the cold. | ||
| Yeah, he's very stressed out. | ||
| He gets stressed out. | ||
| It's getting colder every year and he knows it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a picture of him. | ||
| Obama knows it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And again, I love how they throw back to a hundred years ago. | ||
| And they go, look, this worked a hundred years ago, man. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| The reason why ordinary people, it raised the life standard for ordinary people. | ||
| Ordinary people. | ||
| What's an ordinary person? | ||
| Ordinary? | ||
| Like, she's like making a plea towards the ordinary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plead towards the mediocre, like me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Mediocre, small-minded people with shitty synapses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like myself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Regular Americans. | ||
| Meanwhile, that bitch is running for Congress! | ||
| In Louisiana! | ||
| And she's gonna get elected. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| She's pro-industry. | ||
| Do you not understand what that means? | ||
| That's what gives people jobs full charge. | ||
| Keeps America strong. | ||
| Right. | ||
| America's a bunch... | ||
| I mean, there's a bunch of great things about America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| America's pretty awesome. | ||
| No burkas. | ||
| But there's a bunch of dumb shit in America that likes to call itself America. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, American values, American standards. | ||
| And it's people that have that sort of, this kind of mentality, this sort of just low voltage, sludgy, sloppy thinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she's hot enough that she'll probably get in, just based on looks, probably. | ||
| Chicks are hot as fuck in Louisiana, dude. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Women are hot as fuck down there. | ||
| That chick's got no chance. | ||
| If a hot one runs against her, all she has to do is show up at, like, farmer's markets and talk to people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She's in. | ||
| It's just on hotness alone. | ||
| So what about what she's saying, though, where she's like... | ||
| It is colder this year and there is more ice in Antarctica. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is global warming real? | ||
|
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|
I'm pretty sure everybody believes it's real. | |
| Everyone kind of brings their own facts. | ||
| The only arguments that I've heard at all that make any sense whatsoever is that human addition to global warming is just one factor and that there's a cycle that happens all the time but humans are accelerating that cycle. | ||
| I've heard that argument. | ||
| That makes a lot of sense. | ||
| That makes more sense to me than humans have no effect on it and it makes more sense to me than humans are the cause of it entirely. | ||
| I have a feeling that if you look at all those When those guys do those core samples and they find out the temperature of a thousand years ago and they start examining the earth and the crust for all these different layers and some of them they can tell temperatures and asteroidal impacts and all this different thing. | ||
| It's pretty obvious that a bunch of stuff's been happening. | ||
| We've had ice ages. | ||
| We've come and go. | ||
| We've had hot spells. | ||
| When the dinosaurs were alive, apparently it was like completely different atmosphere much thicker atmosphere, right? | ||
| I read this thing about they were trying to speculate as to why the dinosaurs were so large and One of the things was that it might have been because the atmosphere was different It was a thicker more rich atmosphere that just naturally facilitated larger animals larger creatures, especially lizards, right? | ||
| Global warming is it real? | ||
| The global warming controversy. | ||
| Is global warming real? | ||
| What we know about global warming. | ||
| The skeptic society says it's real. | ||
| How we know global warming is real. | ||
| Human-induced climate change, atmospheric carbon dioxide concentrations, are higher today than at any other time in the last 650,000 years. | ||
| They're about 35% higher than before the Industrial Revolution, and this increase is caused by human activities, primarily the burning of fossil fuels, carbon dioxide... | ||
| It's a greenhouse gas, as are methane, nitrous, I'm going to sneeze, nitrous oxide, water vapor, and a host of other horse shit. | ||
| So yeah, it's global warming. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| I'm going with them instead of that chick. | ||
| Why is it hard to accept that things are going to change? | ||
| Well, you know full charge. | ||
| At my church, we have these discussions about the lamestream media and trying to figure out why the lamestream media continues to lie to America. | ||
| When she said lamestream media, at that point, you've got to go, we can't just keep talking. | ||
| We can't keep talking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You think that's acceptable. | ||
| And she said it like she was shutting them down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm putting them on blast. | ||
| To lamestream media. | ||
| Take that. | ||
| Imagine getting that lady high on mushrooms. | ||
| Imagine taking her to the forest. | ||
| A bunch of guys. | ||
| Not just guys. | ||
| That sounds really rapey. | ||
| Women too. | ||
| A bunch of people. | ||
| Everybody drag her along. | ||
| Listen, we're just going to get you. | ||
| You're going to eat these mushrooms with us. | ||
| Then we'll do whatever you want. | ||
| We'll vote for you. | ||
| We'll do whatever you want. | ||
| You just got to do this first. | ||
| We'll listen to you. | ||
| Just give her a big fucking jar of them with applesauce mixed in. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| The Joe Rogan. | ||
| She's kind of hot. | ||
| Kind of hot in a weird, milfy way. | ||
| Now all I can look at is people's necks, though. | ||
| That's not even real, bro. | ||
| You photoshopped that. | ||
|
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|
I know what you did. | |
| You did. | ||
| Brian, Brian, you hit the volume. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You fucking... | ||
| It's like a big dick right there on the mixer. | ||
| You cranked the volume up. | ||
| The headphone volume. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you have the headphone? | ||
| Didn't affect the recording? | ||
| No, just the headphones. | ||
| You photoshopped that, you fuck. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I think we're stupid. | ||
| That's a vagina. | ||
| It's on her neck. | ||
| It's like she swallowed a bow and arrow. | ||
| What's going on in her neck? | ||
| There's a guy named Arrowhead in her neck. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| That's Christy Brinkley. | ||
| Is it real? | ||
| It is. | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it real? | ||
| Did you really doctor that up? | ||
| Yeah, of course you did, you fuck. | ||
| He thinks it's funny. | ||
| So immature, man. | ||
| He put a vagina on a woman's neck. | ||
| And a woman is running for Congress. | ||
| First of all, it's unpatriotic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Regardless of whether or not you agree with her, you will respect her. | |
| It's un-American, Brian. | ||
| There are people that believe that. | ||
| That you're supposed to respect that person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're not supposed to mock her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| First of all, she's a lady. | ||
| Second of all, she's a congressman! | ||
| A representative! | ||
| She's gonna become the president one day. | ||
| Imagine if that's where we went. | ||
| If we went full fucking... | ||
| full apocalypto. | ||
| I couldn't handle that. | ||
| Climate deniers just fuck it up so bad that the oceans start to boil. | ||
| All the fish get cooked. | ||
| We all have to move to the center of the... | ||
| We all have to live in South Dakota. | ||
| Turns out people can all live in South Dakota. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| That's all that's left. | ||
| Everything else is just hot water. | ||
| You gotta go where it's really fucking cold. | ||
| So Canada becomes the number one spot. | ||
| All of a sudden. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's only 20 million people in all of Canada. | ||
| That's wild, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's LA. That's crazy. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's right. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| How many people are in Canada? | ||
| I'm pretty sure I read that. | ||
| How many people live in Canada? | ||
| I haven't spent too much time in Canada. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| I've been to Montreal. | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| And I've been to Winnipeg. | ||
| Winnipeg is 34. 34.8 million people. | ||
| So, yeah, what is that? | ||
| That's like L.A. and 20 million. | ||
| L.A.'s like 20 million. | ||
| I bet it's like the West Coast. | ||
| I bet it's the whole West Coast. | ||
| If you took the whole West Coast from, certainly from Mexico, but I mean from like San Diego all the way up to Washington State, I bet you would get 40. And so that's all of Canada? | ||
| That's all of Canada. | ||
| The whole thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The whole giant North America. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| I mean, it's cold. | ||
| What can I tell you? | ||
| But not if global warming happens. | ||
| That would really work out. | ||
| Follow me, brother. | ||
| That would really work out. | ||
| What we need to do. | ||
| I have a friend who lives in northern Alberta. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he just bought, or he's looking at this land. | ||
| There's 160 acres for $70,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, Greenland might be the new go-to Hawaii place in the future, or Iceland. | ||
| Yup. | ||
| If it's not under the ocean. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You gotta really hedge your bets when you're looking towards the future. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like you sit in a guy's office. | ||
| Well, there's a whole thing about global warming. | ||
| It's an opportunity, okay? | ||
| And it's always an opportunity. | ||
| You know there's someone out there looking at it. | ||
| But prognostication, I mean, it's a tricky business. | ||
| You've got to really speculate. | ||
| I mean, a lot of people are going to drown, and there's a lot of bleeding hearts. | ||
| You're going to have a problem with that. | ||
| You know, look, those people are going to drown anyway. | ||
| What I'm looking at is what's going to be above ground. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And what we've come up with is Nova Scotia is much higher altitude. | ||
| I've got two words for you. | ||
| North Pole. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm listening. | ||
| How would you like a house overlooking the ocean that isn't there yet? | ||
| Okay, well, all we need to do, my friend, is get permits. | ||
| Not only can I give you a permit, but I can name a star after you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Sign here on this. | ||
| Remember those little star registries? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You pay money and they name a star after you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're not naming a star after you. | ||
| Will you shut the fuck up? | ||
| Probably got a star named after me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking St. Nicholas star. | ||
| My name's Nick. | ||
| I figure I'm gonna have a star. | ||
| I should be St. Nick. | ||
| St. Nicholas the star. | ||
| For the price of a cup of coffee, I bought my own store. | ||
| $25. | ||
| $25. | ||
| What if in the future we have the technology to go to all these planets that they named and stuff, and you actually get to own it based off a $29 purchase? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be fantastic. | |
| I don't think they named planets. | ||
| Planets are rare and difficult to find. | ||
| Stars are up there. | ||
| There's enough stars that I think they had the... | ||
| I mean, really fucking brilliant if you think how stupid people have to be that you pay someone to write on a piece of paper that the star is named after you. | ||
| It's not your fucking star, man. | ||
| And by the way, that star doesn't give a shit what you name it. | ||
| You just got permission from another person who doesn't have that permission to name a fucking star after you. | ||
| Isn't a star an explosion? | ||
| You're named after it, you name it an explosion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not only that, it might not even be there. | |
| It might not even still be there. | ||
| Some of those lights that you see in the sky are from a million years ago. | ||
| Millions of years ago. | ||
| Millions of light years away. | ||
| So the light that's reaching you right now, it might have already burnt out. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Might have blown out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe a little bit. | ||
| They first figured out about those hypernovas sometime during, I think it was like the early 2000s. | ||
| They first... | ||
| I want to say... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That was when they first figured out that inside every galaxy was a black hole. | ||
| But they came up with this new detection equipment. | ||
| And I forget what the year it was. | ||
| I should probably look it up while we're talking about it. | ||
| But when did they invent hypernovas? | ||
| But they found out... | ||
| Vent... | ||
| Discover hypernovas? | ||
| Because they didn't invent them. | ||
| Hyper... | ||
| So there's... | ||
| This is where I get really dumb. | ||
| There's black holes in every galaxy, you said? | ||
| They believe that there are, in every galaxy, and this is fairly recent over the last decade, they believe that at the center of every galaxy is a supermassive black hole that is one half of one percent of the mass of the entire galaxy. | ||
| So the bigger the galaxy, the bigger the black hole. | ||
| And that inside each black hole may be another universe. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| That checks out. | ||
| It's a bit of a mindfuck, my friend. | ||
| A bit of a mindfuck. | ||
| Do you ever see that movie, The Black Hole? | ||
| It was like a fake Star Wars? | ||
| Yeah, Disney. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| It was like an imitation Star Wars movie. | ||
| Oh, no, it wasn't. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| It had really cool robots in it. | ||
| Yeah, it was somewhat popular. | ||
| But, you know, obviously it wasn't as good as Star Wars. | ||
| Do you remember Buck Rogers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was the bomb. | ||
| Okay, it was in 1990, the 1990s, that they figured it out. | ||
| In 1998, a paper suggesting a link between gamma ray bursts and young massive stars formally proposed the term hypernova. | ||
| They had some sort of a measuring equipment. | ||
| And they were detecting so many explosions in the sky that they thought there was a war amongst aliens. | ||
| Really? | ||
| This is something that was actively being considered because all throughout the day, apparently, like all day long, if you have the proper measuring equipment, you can detect hypernovas that are taking place way out in the far reaches of the galaxy. | ||
| And what they are is like they're stars that are blowing up. | ||
| So it's happening, like, all over the universe. | ||
| But these bursts are so strong, if they're anywhere near us, we'd be dead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, if they were at a nearby star, or a nearby solar system, and it went hypernova, that's a wrap. | ||
| That's it, huh? | ||
| That's a wrap. | ||
| That's a wrap for this whole galaxy. | ||
| Kind of nice. | ||
| All life, most likely dead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good way to go. | ||
| A nearby hypernova, let's Google what it would say. | ||
| Nearby, dangers of a nearby hypernova. | ||
| Death. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I mean, there's so many stars out there that I don't know if it would be possible, but if it... | ||
| I mean, it certainly would be possible. | ||
| I don't know how likely it would be, but... | ||
|
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|
But the numbers of stars are just, it's insane. | |
| Hundreds of billions. | ||
| Just in our galaxy. | ||
| I don't think you can even understand. | ||
| That's just numbers, right? | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| I can't really. | ||
| Destruction of Earth by a nearby supernova. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is on the NASA page. | |
| Be careful, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Be careful. | |
| To destroy the Earth itself, the sun will have to go supernova, which it never will. | ||
| If you're talking about life on Earth, then there is a detailed calculation of the risks due to nearby supernova on the web. | ||
| Oh, there's actually a thing that calculates the risks. | ||
| The author concludes that a supernova has to be within 10 parsecs or 30 light years to be dangerous to life on Earth. | ||
| That is because the atmosphere shields us from most dangerous radiations. | ||
| Astronauts in orbit may be in danger if supernova is within a thousand parsecs or so. | ||
| So if they were up in space, it would be a thousand parsecs, so a hundred times more. | ||
| So 300 million light years. | ||
| Or 300 light years, rather. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Crazy, man. | ||
| No star currently within 20 parsecs will go supernova within the next few million years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| That's a relief, man. | ||
| I feel so much better. | ||
| That's my biggest fear. | ||
| That would be a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| Just one day, it all goes bright. | ||
| I listen to the lamestream media all day. | ||
| The lamestream media. | ||
| I'm constantly paranoid of things. | ||
| They could call it a hypernova all they want. | ||
| What I know is it's angels coming. | ||
| Them's just lightning bugs. | ||
| When angels come, the satellites go down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| God has a great sense of evil. | ||
| The lamestream media would want you to believe that the supernovas are to be feared. | ||
| But God's plan includes all of us. | ||
| God's plan. | ||
| Amen. | ||
| When is that going to go away? | ||
| I don't think it will. | ||
| When is that accent going to go away? | ||
| I think people love it. | ||
| I think they love it and they're going to keep it going as long as they can. | ||
| I think they should keep it going just for the chicks. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| For the chicks alone. | ||
| It's the best accent ever for chicks. | ||
| How y'all doing? | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It doesn't get any better. | ||
| But for dudes, it's a little hickey. | ||
| I think if you're a country music fan, it could work. | ||
| If the guy's a gentleman, it could work. | ||
| But if the guy's explaining thermonuclear power, you'll be like, what? | ||
| It's a fucking hickey cocksucker. | ||
|
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|
Throw some Harvard on there. | |
| Basically, we're working with fusion, and the way fusion works is we have the nuclear reactor, and we fuel the water into the broads, and it creates steam, and then the steam... | ||
| Oh, you shut this fucking guy up and get a real scientist in here! | ||
| Get someone from Harvard, someone with a good, strong New England accent. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But you listen to people from Harvard, scientists from Harvard, no Boston accent whatsoever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| Yeah, they're transplants, right? | ||
| No, they're smart enough to know that accent sucks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's going to devalue all their arguments by eight points. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only time that accent doesn't suck is if you're drinking. | ||
| Then it's okay. | ||
| Yo, that is great. | ||
| I mean, I love to listen to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're drinking and you're hearing stories, but if it's the judge and he's about to sentence you and he's got a Boston accent, you're like, oh, Christ. | ||
| You're like, it's going to be a big one. | ||
| Matt Fultron, please approach the bench. | ||
| When your car feared off of that road because you had been drinking, you violated the laws of Weymouth, Massachusetts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Do you ever hear Bill Burr tell that story about how he's in court, and they're reading his testimony, and the cop asks him, where is he going? | ||
| And he said, fucking Boston. | ||
| And he goes, but Bill explains, like, nah, you know, I'm from Boston. | ||
| It's like, when he asked me, I was just thinking when I was saying, like, fucking Boston. | ||
| I wasn't cursing like you think I was. | ||
| Yeah, not like it's like an indignant statement. | ||
| I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just thinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are you going? | |
| Fucking Boston. | ||
| They read that off a piece of paper at his court case. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| That's the problem with the word fuck, that it's kind of the word uh sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking, um, fucking, this fucking, fuck, fuck this guy, this fucking guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If you saw that on paper, you'd be like, this is a really angry person. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But it's just a guy with a bad vocabulary. | ||
| That's why Twitter doesn't work, man. | ||
| Context. | ||
| It should all be in context. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You don't get context when you just read it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Even if you know the person you're reading from, it doesn't always work. | ||
| Sometimes it works if you know the person you're reading from. | ||
| Like, rise and shine cocksuckers when it comes to Joey Diaz. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know it's 6am and it's time to get up. | ||
| Yeah, you know exactly what that is. | ||
| Joey Diaz did this thing recently where he was talking about being proud to be an American. | ||
| He did this rant and then they put the national anthem over it. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| He did a rant with the national anthem. | ||
| He's like, can you get me going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put the fucking national anthem on. | |
| Have you ever been up like crazy early in the morning? | ||
| And listened to it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's also up on Twitter at like 5am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| He gets up really early. | ||
| Just giving people music to listen to. | ||
| He's always done that. | ||
| He's always gotten up really early and he's always gone to bed really early too. | ||
| Try calling Joey at midnight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Joey's dead. | ||
| He's asleep. | ||
| He's out cold. | ||
| So what time does he normally go to bed? | ||
| Does a show, leaves a show. | ||
| I mean, he'll, like, we do a 10 o'clock show. | ||
| He'll get to bed at 1 o'clock in the morning, 2 o'clock. | ||
| But he doesn't like to do that. | ||
| He likes to be in bed by, like, 11. Huh. | ||
| I'm in bed by 11. I'm in no danger. | ||
| Yeah, he likes to, um... | ||
| But he's up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
American. | |
| American. | ||
| Okay, so the fucking Mexicans are taking your job. | ||
| The Russians, the Armenians, cut it the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go down there. | |
| This country is 240 fucking years old, correct? | ||
| In 1776, they became a country because we're back. | ||
| Play the fucking national anthem because they got me fired up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
240 fucking years we've been around. | |
| We are the greatest. | ||
| We help fucking everybody. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Don't mistake our fucking kindness, the fucking weakness. | ||
| We're still fucking American. | ||
| And you gotta get up every morning and fuck that little circle of loser friends you have that tell you, don't go down there. | ||
| They're not gonna hire you. | ||
| They're not gonna hire you because you have that fucking loser attitude walking in. | ||
| You're going to grab your fucking balls. | ||
| You're going to take a shit. | ||
| You're going to wipe fucking your ass. | ||
| You're going to brush your teeth. | ||
| You're going to put gel on your hair. | ||
| You're going to fucking whatever the fuck. | ||
| Put your mouthwash in your fucking mouth. | ||
| And you're going to go down and you're going to go, listen, I know you're not hiring, but I'm the best motherfucker available to you. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I'm a fucking American, okay? | ||
| Whether I'm black, a chink, I speak. | ||
| Whatever the fuck I am, I'm a fucking American. | ||
| And I'm gonna outwork all these motherfuckers here. | ||
| Give me ten hammers. | ||
| Ten fucking hammers. | ||
| What time you close? | ||
| Five? | ||
| I'll be here when you fucking get here. | ||
| At six, cocksucker. | ||
| You're a fucking American. | ||
| Stop fucking whining. | ||
| I'm sick of you motherfuckers. | ||
| 240 years, we've been slinging dick, and you're still whining about the unemployment rate. | ||
| What unemployment rate? | ||
| It's only in your fucking head. | ||
| You need to eat your fuck... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| After a weekend with a bunch of fucking Gentiles. | ||
| Get up! | ||
| It's Monday. | ||
| It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. | ||
| I hope he doesn't live in an apartment. | ||
| His neighbors will hate him. | ||
| If he does, he doesn't care. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I like how he just basically did what the Jerky Boys did. | ||
| He told you to do what the Jerky Boys do. | ||
| Like, I'm the fucking best! | ||
| I run circles around you motherfuckers! | ||
| You got nobody down there that works like me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's exactly what a Jerky Boy phone call would be like! | |
| The Jerky Boys missed their time. | ||
| They did a movie and everything like that, but the Jerky Boys, if they had been on the internet, Yeah. | ||
| If the Jerky Boys came out today, some of those fucking things would have millions of hits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we had to pass those tapes around. | ||
| You know when we passed those around? | ||
| Yeah, that was one of my favorite things that ever happened was the Jerky Boys. | ||
| You would get it from a friend. | ||
| A friend would get it, and somehow or another they would make a copy for you, and they'd get you the Jerky Boys. | ||
| That's how it became famous. | ||
| I bought it from a friend. | ||
| He goes, I feel bad selling you this because... | ||
| After you listen to it twice, you're never going to listen to it again. | ||
| I've been quoting this shit every day for 20, 25 years. | ||
| I fucking love the Jerky Boys. | ||
| We were quoting them today! | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Dude, they had some funny shit. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so rude. | ||
| The one guy was really good. | ||
| The one guy was really good. | ||
| One guy was okay, but the other guy was really fucking good. | ||
| Phenomenal. | ||
| I don't know which guy was which, but really fucking funny stuff. | ||
| If you go back and listen to it today, laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rosenberg. | ||
| That was one of those things, it was like, if you did pranks back then, it was hard to get appreciated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was hard to, you know, to do something along those lines. | ||
| And then, remember when Jimmy Kimmel had a TV show? | ||
| Crank Yankers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he had puppets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Puppets, and comics would do the prank phone calls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they would call, and puppets would reenact it? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| I totally forgot about that show. | ||
| Jim Florentine's thing was the best. | ||
| What was Jim Florentine's? | ||
| It was just the guy that goes, yay! | ||
| I'm gonna come to your store, lady, where is it? | ||
| And every answer was, yay! | ||
| And he called everyone lady, whether you were a man or a woman. | ||
| How much to see Air Bud, lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Five dollars! | |
| Yay! | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| And there's one where Mitch Hedberg called up and wanted to join a guy's band. | ||
| That one's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| He called up and wanted to join a guy's band? | ||
| Yeah, it was like he saw a WAN ad that was like, we're looking for a guitar player. | ||
| And he called up and said, oh, but I'm kind of a singer too, man. | ||
| Check out these lyrics, man. | ||
| Go right to that one. | ||
| Go right to that one. | ||
| Crank Yankers, Mitch Hedberg, band. | ||
| I think it's hard to find. | ||
| Oh, you'll find it. | ||
| He'll find it. | ||
| He knows how to use the internet. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| He's not like you, full charge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gotcha. | |
| No, I give up after three seconds. | ||
| He's got magic fingers and a good sense of Google. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't even called AT&T to tell him my internet's down. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg, Crank Yankers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like how he's playing a character, too. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta see this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Hey, is Jerry there? | ||
| Yeah, can you hold on for a second? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| Is he there? | ||
| How are you doing? | ||
| You were just turning down your music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why you put me on hold. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I thought you had a secretary or something. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How about now? | ||
| No, now I can hear you fine. | ||
| Well, I'm talking the same level, man. | ||
| Your ears are screwy. | ||
| I'm a musician, man. | ||
| I'm calling you up because you're looking for some jam partners, right? | ||
| Yeah, actually. | ||
| What we're looking for is a singer. | ||
| Well, yeah, man. | ||
| I play guitar mainly, but singing is no problem. | ||
| If you put a mic up to my mouth, I'll belt it out. | ||
| Yeah, well, we're looking for a real lead singer. | ||
| If you want me to sing, I have like a real, you know, I like to like yell like, ah, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you like that kind of singing? | ||
| Well, sometimes. | ||
| I hate melody, you know, I'm purely against melody. | ||
| Where are you calling from? | ||
| I'm calling, I'm from my phone here. | ||
| No, I mean, you live in Nassau or Suffolk? | ||
| I'm part of the, I'm part of the Suffolk death metal contingent, you know? | ||
| So you're more into the heavier stuff? | ||
| Oh yeah, the heavier the better, man. | ||
| I mean, Well, if you want, I'll take your name and number, and if the other guys are interested, we'll call you back. | ||
| Alright, man, but I know people at MTV, too, you know, so you should probably hook up with me. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| My name is Mitch. | ||
| Mitch? | ||
| And I got long hair. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, man, it's way past my nipples. | ||
| Well, I don't have a phone right now. | ||
| I spent all my phone money on distortion pedals and stuff. | ||
| You ever write a song about a unicorn? | ||
| No. | ||
| I wrote this kick-ass song about a unicorn. | ||
| It's like a unicorn who has a story, though. | ||
| The unicorn goes through the ups and downs, and then in the end, the unicorn... | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| I'm just going to be rehearsing now, so you know what? | ||
| Let's jam right now over the phone. | ||
| No, I got to go. | ||
| Okay, let's just play a tune right now, me and you. | ||
| I got people in my house right now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, so call me in a week or so. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| Later. | ||
| His voice is just music to my ears, man. | ||
| Yeah, well, especially now so after he's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did other ones? | |
| No. | ||
| He's doing bong hits on the cat. | ||
| Oh, that's the end of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what was the other one, the Jim Florentine one? | ||
| Jim Florentine. | ||
| His name is Special Ed, I think. | ||
| Is that still legal? | ||
| Can you still do that? | ||
| Can you call people up? | ||
| It used to be that you could do it as long as you did it in Vegas. | ||
| That's their loophole. | ||
| I don't know what the deal is now. | ||
| This show probably ruined it, you know? | ||
| The show? | ||
| What? | ||
| Crank, crank, crank. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is Willie. | |
| Can I help you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm trying to track a package that was supposed to be delivered to my sister. | ||
| When was it supposed to get there? | ||
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was supposed to get to her address on the 17th. | |
| On the 17th! | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't make their first attempt. | ||
| I think the character's name is Special Ed. | ||
| But that seems weird. | ||
| Like, she's calling them to try to get a package tracked, and they're fucking around. | ||
| There's a couple guys. | ||
| Jim Florentine and Don Jamison do this thing called the Touchtone Terrorists, and they have a number that a lot of people call as a customer service number, and they also do telemarketers. | ||
| So the people that call, they think it's an actual customer service number. | ||
| Yeah, I might be getting some of that information mixed up. | ||
| That's fucked, because what if somebody, because it seemed like that's what she was doing. | ||
| It seemed like she was calling like she had a real problem. | ||
| Right, I've heard this one before. | ||
| That's even worse than calling somebody, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of fucked up. | ||
| That's even worse. | ||
| Like, if they're calling you, they've got a real issue they need to fix. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, you know what Florentine does is he just tapes every conversation and when telemarketers call him, he fucks with them so bad. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that should be totally legal. | ||
| Yeah, that should be. | ||
| Yeah, that should be the one time where you could get away with stuff like that. | ||
| Just fuck with telemarketers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a miserable job, though, man. | ||
| To make that job more miserable to people and fuck with them. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, Belinda. | |
| This is Ed. | ||
| Well, hi, Ed. | ||
| So you got Air Bud? | ||
| The video? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got Air Bud, yeah. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| I love Air Bud. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| I want to come down there and get it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Um, okay. | ||
| Do you have The Shining? | ||
| We do. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| Can you take it out of the store before I get there? | ||
| I sure can. | ||
| All work and no play makes Ed a dull boy. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Laceps! | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ed, I've got some other customers here that I really need to help. | |
| Ed isn't here, mister. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ed isn't here, mister! | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
| This is someone... | ||
| No, someone took the sound bites and did their own prank phone calls. | ||
| That's why it's not that good. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I was repeating all this stuff. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| You sure it wasn't just psychotic? | ||
| No, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| It seemed like it was just psychotic. | ||
| Yeah, I think that was somebody else using a soundboard. | ||
| I don't know, that would be a good call if you just did it like that. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that was a big thing for a while, pranking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Not so much anymore. | ||
| No, I used to do it without recording it, which is fucking... | ||
| Sounds kind of dumb. | ||
| Did you ever see the one where the dude was walking up to people and he's asking them if they want to kiss his ass? | ||
| He's like a donkey in his pocket. | ||
| Just saw that. | ||
| Do you want to kiss my ass? | ||
| Do you want to kiss my ass? | ||
| And this one guy sucker punches him and knocks him out cold, knocks his teeth through his lips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy just loses all control of his body in one second. | ||
| Well, he just got knocked the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got clocked. | |
| I mean, it was bad. | ||
| His lip was torn. | ||
| His cheek was torn open. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could see through his cheek to his teeth. | ||
| He got punched through his lower lip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The point where his teeth went through his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He asked the wrong guy the wrong question. | ||
| Well, the guy told him to back the fuck off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was still like, do you want to kiss my ass? | ||
| He thought he was being cute because he was getting filmed. | ||
| And then he was getting like... | ||
| People were calling fake... | ||
| Because he wasn't mad, like, when he was getting interviewed after, you know, they had a camera on him, like, he was on his way to the hospital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was all fucked up, and like, no, that's bullshit. | ||
| He would be pissed off if that guy punched him. | ||
| Like, no, he's an idiot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He thinks it's cute. | ||
| Not smart to begin with. | ||
| He thinks it's funny that he got knocked out. | ||
| Do you ever see the one where the kid jumps out of a trash can and the guy punches him? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a classic animated GIF. Right? | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| That's a classic one. | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| Someone used to have that as their avatar on my message board. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| They would pop up, boom! | ||
| The guy would hit him and you'd go right back into it. | ||
| You see that video that somebody released where it was like an MMA fight or a small, like some kind of fight, and then the judge starts beating up the two guys because he tried to break them up and they wouldn't break up. | ||
| So then the judge just, the referee starts just beating them up. | ||
| He's... | ||
| I don't want to see it. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure it happens. | ||
| It's so great how we have so much footage of so much nonsense. | ||
| World Star! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a bad World Star one the other day where some guy knocks this guy out onto the hood of a car. | ||
| He just steps up to this guy. | ||
| The guy's sitting there. | ||
| He's sitting next to a car. | ||
| He steps up and smashes him in the face, knocking him out cold. | ||
| The guy goes flying back into the grill of the car and then crumples. | ||
| The other guy's yelling, World Star! | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| Like, the humanity. | ||
| There's a certain segment of the human race that doesn't give a fuck about the rest of the human race. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They really don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's kind of scary. | ||
| And you can find that segment represented well on worldstarhiphop.com. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They don't mind punching each other in the face, or punching you in the face. | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| It's just part of life. | ||
| Did you see the one the other day? | ||
| I think Bill Burr tweeted it. | ||
| It's a kid. | ||
| He's riding his bicycle. | ||
| He pushes his bicycle, punches his kid in the face, jumps off the bike, runs by, punches his kid in the face, then jumps on the bike. | ||
| Yeah, he was ghost riding. | ||
| He was ghost riding his bike, sucker punched his kid in the face, and then jumped back on the bike and ran away. | ||
| These little kids tried to sucker punch me one time in Baltimore. | ||
| I was lifeguard in his pool. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they wanted to go swimming, so they just walked up. | ||
| They were like eight years old, and they go, hey, come here, I want to tell you something. | ||
| Dude goes to punch me. | ||
| I move out of the way. | ||
| They all jump in the pool, jump out, and run away. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And that's actually the story. | ||
| Jump in the pool, jump out, and run away. | ||
| Yeah, they just wanted to jump in the pool for a second. | ||
| Did they show the kid picking on the kid first? | ||
| Yeah, at first there was... | ||
| Here, you can see the whole thing right here. | ||
| We don't see it, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gotta go to the crib, nigga! | |
| Gotta go to the crib, nigga! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So he rides off. | ||
| They got upset. | ||
| The smaller guy rides off on his bike. | ||
| He's also the one that used the N-word. | ||
| And he turns around and starts heading back down the road. | ||
| It seems like they planned this out. | ||
| Oh, I think it's planned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's coming back! | |
| He's coming back! | ||
| Ghost rides the bike. | ||
| Punches him. | ||
| Punches him. | ||
| Chases the bike. | ||
| And then jumps back on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just falls down! | |
| Either way. | ||
| That's an eight-year-old world star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's a world star when you can't knock people out yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you punch people, they don't get desperately hurt like they do in the other videos. | ||
| They just get mildly annoyed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Part of it's more fucked up because they're eight, but part of it's way better because they can't do as much damage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But part of you knows they'll be doing that at 80. Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If they can stick in that neighborhood, if they can stick it out, they'll be doing something way worse. | ||
| That guy will be in a way better video 10 years from now. | ||
| With a better bike, too. | ||
| It's going to be like solar powered. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dude, I saw a bike at a bike shop the other day where it was a vintage bike. | ||
| Do you know the people who are into vintage bikes? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It is an old piece of shit bike, and it was $5,000. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| What bike shop was this? | ||
| It was just a regular bike shop. | ||
| I went in to get something for my kids, getting little kid bikes, and they had a vintage bike. | ||
| And it was an ugly piece of shit. | ||
| It had like rust. | ||
| It was coming through the chrome. | ||
| The seat was kind of fucked up. | ||
| And the guy was like, it's all original parts. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I go, how much is this? | ||
| The guy was like, $5,000. | ||
| It's a classic. | ||
| This is worth something? | ||
| Can I ride this? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This isn't a car. | ||
| Like, they're trying to do the same shit that they do with, like, old cars. | ||
| Like, if you buy a 55 Chevrolet, you go, whoa, original dash. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| But a bike? | ||
| A bike from that era? | ||
| Oh my god, that's worthless. | ||
| There's a whole bike culture that we're just not into. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| These guys, they're just all about their bikes. | ||
| Brooklyn is insane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Brooklyn, New York, everyone's got a bike. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
| Do they steal bikes? | ||
| No, there's like these expensive bike shops and there's all these bike paths, especially in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. | ||
| It's like a fucking scene and all these guys are into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a hipster thing? | ||
| It's a hipster thing. | ||
| Well, that's a good thing for hipsters to be involved with. | ||
| At least it's going to get them outside. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Get the hipsters exercised. | ||
| I'm looking at bikes right now because I leave my bike outside and the weather has just destroyed my bike. | ||
| You're looking at bikes to the actual ride or to just sit there and take pictures of it? | ||
| No, no, it's a ride. | ||
| I like riding bikes, especially around Burbank because there's a lot of weird paths. | ||
| You know, go to the cemetery where Michael Jackson is all around there. | ||
| That'd be great for you, dude. | ||
| Ride bikes. | ||
| It's healthy. | ||
| Yeah, I knew a dude who rode a bike to jiu-jitsu every night, and then he rode home. | ||
| He would ride the bike, train, and then ride home. | ||
| And I was like, that's got to be a lot of work. | ||
| He's like, yep, but it gets you in incredible shape. | ||
| You get used to pumping, but I also think it's like the worst time to be breathing heavy when you're around brake fumes. | ||
| Yeah, I heard it's not that good. | ||
| Dust and... | ||
| I heard it's actually kind of bad for you to do cardio next to the... | ||
| Traffic? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and it's not like you could take that bike through the fucking woods. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Not really. | ||
|
unidentified
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Mountain bike. | |
| It's terrifying riding a bike around L.A., though. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| People are texting and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not in Burbank. | ||
| Burbank's not even, like, L.A. Oh, nobody texts in Burbank. | ||
| They're not even people. | ||
| No, but there's, like, no traffic in my neighborhood. | ||
| It's the influence of The Tonight Show. | ||
| There's something about the way Jay Leno ran that room. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For all that area, it's, like, super safe to drive. | ||
| Did you hear that book that's coming out all about Jay Leno's past guests, like all these weird things that happened, like how when Jessica Simpson was on, she demanded a $15,000 haircut before she got on, like all these weird demands. | ||
| Oh, weird things that people demanded? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would bet there's a lot of that prima donna shit. | ||
| That went on. | ||
| I heard Jessica Simpson did like 30 takes on The Tonight Show one time. | ||
| 30 takes of a song? | ||
| They just kept going, kept going, and they planned on editing the shit out of it. | ||
| Was it a song? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| Is that back what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Remember when her and her husband, J-Row, producer, reveals A-list guest's most outrageous demands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Behind the curtain, Michael Moore. | ||
| Oh, it's a guy who did it. | ||
| Michael Moore. | ||
| Yeah, he was the producer. | ||
| Michael Moore threatened not to go on just before the show taped unless the producers agreed to air his homemade video. | ||
| He had us over a barrel and admits that he caved in but didn't invite more back. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Wonder what that was about. | ||
| Quentin Tarantino was drunk as fuck. | ||
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| They sent Bill Clinton a $12,000 custom bike after his 2004 heart surgery. | ||
| Clinton kept the bike but never made his appearance. | ||
| How old was the bike? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Sarah Palin asked for a private jet to fly her from Alaska to Burbank for her 2010 appearance. | ||
| It cost $35,000 and they gave it to her. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Well, that was probably a scoop back then to get her. | ||
| 2010 when they first announced that she was running for president. | ||
| So if 2010 was when they first announced it for the 2012 elections, that means that right now we're about on target, right? | ||
| It's 2014, so this year is when we're going to start seeing the real election rumblings. | ||
| Into next year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's going to run for president? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are we out of bushes? | ||
| We're out of bushes, right? | ||
| We got a Jeb. | ||
| Yeah, we got a Jeb. | ||
| And he's been quiet. | ||
| He can secretly sneak in. | ||
| Silently, stealthily sneak in. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| I'm voting for Roseanne. | ||
| Roseanne Barr? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She voted? | |
| I think she did last time. | ||
| She believes in chemtrails, but I love her. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I don't know if she does anymore. | ||
| I listened to that episode. | ||
| I explained it to her. | ||
| I hope she listened. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She totally believed in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So did Crash. | ||
| Crash from the float lab yesterday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's big on chemtrails, too. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Chemtrails. | ||
| I see them in the sky. | ||
| That's what they always say. | ||
| I see them. | ||
| I see them. | ||
| That's because they're there. | ||
| Excellent point. | ||
| Who else is running? | ||
| They got that Ted Cruz guy, right? | ||
| He's a Republican that gets talked about a lot. | ||
| There's Hillary Clinton who just fucked up because she tried to say that they were dead broke. | ||
| She was trying to make a ploy to poverty saying that when Bill got out of office they were dead broke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| She should have never said that. | ||
| First of all, because they made a lot of money during the presidency, and on top of that, they also had tremendous money coming in right afterwards. | ||
| He's made over $100 million just in speaking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just speaking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| From then until now, and then writing books and all that other jazz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For her to say, we were dead broke, for her to bitch in this fucked up, wacky economy where people can't get jobs. | ||
| Like, everybody knows you're rich. | ||
| What are you, crazy? | ||
| You're really talking about the time we were, oh, we were dead broke when Bill got out of office. | ||
| For a whole hour. | ||
| Until the first check came in. | ||
| Until he did his first one hour speech for $189,000 for 40 minutes of talking. | ||
| We're doing fine after that. | ||
| It seemed to be okay. | ||
| Everything was going to be alright. | ||
| First year, he made about $80 million and wrote a book. | ||
| They got money fucking coming out of their asshole. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| When you're a guy like Bill Clinton, people will always pay to hear you talk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| That's the lecture circuit. | ||
| They'll show up at universities. | ||
| Universities have fuckloads of money when it comes to things like that. | ||
| Think about how many people go to a major university and pay $20,000 or whatever it is for tuition. | ||
| That's a sizable chunk they give to a president. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, I know if you can make a lot doing comedy, I know you can make an awful real lot doing fucking, if you're a former president. | ||
| My wife went to see Giuliani speak once when he came to UCLA. It was like post September 11th. | ||
| It must have been Waypost because it wasn't that long ago. | ||
| Whatever it was, she said it was like the most boring fucking thing she'd ever seen in her life. | ||
| She couldn't believe that anybody would pay to see it. | ||
| It was like there was no passion to it. | ||
| It was numb. | ||
| It was just saying nothing. | ||
| And he just spoke for an hour? | ||
| Was there any topic specified? | ||
| I think they always have topics. | ||
| Maybe he had a book out or something like that. | ||
| They go on a lecture tour and they just spit it out with no... | ||
| Can you imagine public speaking without the pressure of... | ||
| Meeting to get laughs. | ||
| Well then, the problem is, public speaking without laughs is usually pretty shitty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even, like, a lot of these guys that do lectures, they tell fucking jokes. | ||
| Yeah, even TED Talks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they know. | |
| They know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you ever listen to TED Talks? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| Those TED, you know those things? | ||
| Online, those science talks? | ||
| Where they discuss... | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You've never... | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen one, no. | ||
| But they have jokes in them, right? | ||
| Oh, dude, you're missing out. | ||
| Yeah, people always have humor. | ||
| They always break things up with humor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You're missing out, bro. | ||
| You don't know about the TED? I'll get on it. | ||
| It's kind of culty. | ||
| I'm off tour, dude. | ||
| I'll get on it. | ||
| I got free time. | ||
| They're very culty, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Well, they want everybody who's speaking to sleep together in the same room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you would have to share a room. | ||
| Like, say, if you and I were speaking, we'd have to share a hotel room together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Because they wanted people to get to know each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| They wanted to forcibly... | ||
| Like, people with money. | ||
| Like, Eddie Wong, who's a famous chef from New York, was speaking at a TED conference. | ||
| They wouldn't let him get his own hotel room. | ||
| They made him stay. | ||
| And they got mad at him when he came here to do our podcast instead of stay and meet with all these other people. | ||
| Because they have this TED thing, and when they have the TED thing, they meet. | ||
| You have a bunch of TED fellows, people who pay for TED memberships, and they come to these things. | ||
| They want you to go to events and be there to talk with them and meet with them. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| It gets super weird. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's super controlling, and not just from one person. | ||
| We've heard that from a bunch of people. | ||
| They censored Sarah Silverman. | ||
| They pulled her talk on there. | ||
| Yeah, because she was doing what she does, being a fucking comedian. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She was telling jokes and being funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, disrespectful. | ||
| They censored Graham Hancock. | ||
| They pulled his thing down, too. | ||
| They invited him to go on, and he came on, and he told this interesting story about psychedelics, and they got upset and censored it, and because they censored it, it got way more attention. | ||
| It became hugely popular online. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of hits after that. | ||
| And replayed on a bunch of different YouTube sites, too, because people were scared they were going to try to pull it down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's, like, really good videos that are kind of shady? | ||
| Some of them are great. | ||
| The way they run it, or what? | ||
| Look, the business is kind of shady. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The business is weird. | ||
| I mean, what's shady is, first of all, pulling things down. | ||
| Like, they were pulling it down for the Graham Hancock one. | ||
| Like, he made a very... | ||
| Very detailed argument against pulling it down, and he demanded to know, like, what about what I'm saying is pseudoscientific? | ||
| Please explain. | ||
| If you're so concerned that you pulled down, like, these are real things. | ||
| Like, talking about ayahuasca, these are real beneficial things that people can experience. | ||
| The science behind the experience is real. | ||
| The history behind the experience is real and documented. | ||
| Whether you forward it against it, it's very interesting. | ||
| And it's his theory. | ||
| These are his theories about... | ||
| You know, knowledge being gained from taking these psychedelics. | ||
| But they pulled him down. | ||
| But the Eddie Wong thing is more disturbing to me. | ||
| That they told him that they... | ||
| Well, not more disturbing, but almost more disturbing because they made him sleep with another person in a room together. | ||
| I think that's strange. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| That I don't care for. | ||
| We're grown adults here. | ||
| Get my own room. | ||
| It's one thing if you didn't have the budget, but if you wanted to pay, but you're like, no, I want you to team up with this guy. | ||
| He's a nuclear waste detector guy from Yugoslavia who's giving a speech. | ||
| No, I don't hear this guy fart and fucking snore next to me. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| I like privacy. | ||
| That's like a physical thing when you go up and have to make a speech. | ||
| You want a little bit of relaxation, a little bit of privacy beforehand. | ||
| Yeah, before we leave, Graham Hancock put this on his Twitter today, and I retweeted it. | ||
| Magic potion discovered with potential to end all wars. | ||
| It's only a minute and a half, but it's a YouTube clip about when they dosed soldiers up in the 1950s with LSD. Have you ever seen that video? | ||
| No, I've never seen the video, but I've heard about this. | ||
| Oh, it's classic. | ||
| Pull it up, Brian, and we'll wrap this bitch up, and we'll go home with this, because it's kind of hilarious. | ||
| It's hilarious that, uh... | ||
| I don't know what year this was that they did this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The drug was administered in a drink of water given at the start of each day's exercise. | |
| Was this the housewife? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soldiers. | |
| 25 minutes later, the first effects of the drug became apparent. | ||
| The men began to relax and to giggle. | ||
| But this man was more seriously affected and had to be removed from the exercise. | ||
| After 35 minutes, one of the radio operators had become incapable of using his set, and the efficiency of the rocket launcher team was also very impaired. | ||
| Dead rocket launchers on acid! | ||
|
unidentified
|
A few minutes later, the attacking section had lost all sense of urgency. | |
| Notice the bunching and indecision as they enter a wood occupied by the enemy. | ||
| Almost immediately, the section commander tried to use a map to find the location of troop headquarters, and a prisoner's escort had to have the way pointed out to him, although it was in plain sight 700 yards away over open country. | ||
| Fifty minutes after taking the drug, radio communication had become difficult, if not impossible, but the men are still capable of sustained physical effort. | ||
| However, constructive action was still attempted by those retaining a sense of responsibility in spite of physical symptoms. | ||
| But one hour and ten minutes after taking the drug, with one man climbing a tree to feed the birds, the troop commander gave up, admitting that he could no longer control himself or his men. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they're all laughing and giggling and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He himself then relapsed into laughter. | |
| Wow, they had all those weapons. | ||
| Yeah, weapons on acid. | ||
| They didn't know about acid back then, Full Charge. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| And they didn't know about the Full Charge. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| You can follow the Full Charge on Twitter, and you should, and you will. | ||
| It is the Full Charge. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| And if you want to fucking get crazy and spell his name, it's F-U-L-C-H Iron. | ||
| Like iron, like the metal. | ||
| I-R-O-N. Matt Fultron. | ||
| Thank you for having me, man. | ||
| It was great, brother. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thanks for being on. | ||
| Good to see you again, as always. | ||
| That's it, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Ladies and dreams, we'll be back next week, next Monday. | ||
| In fact, today the sponsor was Ting. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and save $25 off of any Ting device. | ||
| And you can also go to Onnit. | ||
| Go to O-N-N. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. | ||
| Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright, we'll be back next week. | ||
| Enjoy your weekend. | ||
| If I see you fuckers in Vegas for the UFC, say hi. | ||
| And much love. |
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