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May 27, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:00:31
Joe Rogan Experience #507 - Bert Kreischer
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bert kreischer
01:04:16
b
brian redban
06:29
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joe rogan
01:45:58
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Speaker Time Text
joe rogan
live already damn that was quick jesus louisus this episode of the Joe Rogan experience is brought to you I said my name this episode of the podcast is brought to you by ting Ting is a mobile cell phone company.
I shouldn't say mobile.
I shouldn't say car phone either.
Don't say that.
People know you're over 40. Ting is a cell phone company.
I guess you could call it a cell phone company, that does things differently.
And what they do is, they use the Sprint backbone and they do everything their way.
No contracts, no early terminations fees.
They sell you the phone.
Instead of this bullshit, if you buy a phone from a regular provider, not a regular provider, but one of the big ones, what you're doing is you're not really buying the phone for the most part.
What you're doing is you're paying for some of the phone up front, like the phone only costs $200 with a contract.
The phone is really like $600.
But they trick you into getting in debt with them.
And then when you want to leave, they go, oh, well, you can't leave unless you give us this early termination fee.
They fuck you.
They make you pay, goddammit.
They take your money, Bert Kreischer.
bert kreischer
Is that what they're doing with the cell phones?
joe rogan
Yes.
Do you not understand this?
bert kreischer
I've been so out of the cell phone game for so long.
joe rogan
How do you get out of the cell phone game?
bert kreischer
My wife does it all.
joe rogan
That's nice.
bert kreischer
She'll be like, you're available for an upgrade.
You can get a new phone.
joe rogan
You just pass it all off to her.
Oh, dude.
bert kreischer
She's like a great lab partner.
joe rogan
That's great.
bert kreischer
I just cheat off her homework.
She helps me on the tests.
But I'm the cool guy on the table, so all the other lab partners think our table must be fun.
joe rogan
Don't you earn the money, though?
bert kreischer
Yeah, that's the part I do.
And I make us friends with people.
My wife will meet the people, but I'm the closer.
I'm the franchise player.
joe rogan
There you go.
98% of people would save money with Ting.
The way Ting handles it, you don't pay a certain set amount per month either.
And I think in the future this could be what all cell phone companies are going to be forced to do.
Remember back in the day when cell phone companies, they used to charge you if you were roaming.
And you could roam by just driving to your fucking friend's house.
bert kreischer
I lived in Lutz in Tampa.
If you went to my house, you were fucking roaming.
joe rogan
Isn't that crazy?
And you'd see the thing on the top of your phone, oh shit, I'm roaming.
God damn it!
And it wasn't far.
And, you know, it also used to be that long distance would cost you a fuckload of money.
If you would call someone in New York, it would cost you a fuckload of money.
All that stuff is gone now.
It's gone.
Long distance on your phone is gone, on your cell phone's gone, it's all gone.
And the reason why it's gone is because it's a good reason.
It's because of competition.
And competition is also causing a company like Ting to show up.
And what Ting does is they sell you the very best Android phones available.
They have the Samsung Galaxy Note 3.
They have the HTC One M8, which is the newest HTC One that they just got.
They got the Samsung Galaxy S5, the LG Flex, all the cool, dope-ass Android phones.
They sell them to you at a very reasonable rate.
You own it, and you can cancel at any moment.
98% of people would save money with Ting.
And if you go to rogan.ting.com, you will save $25 off of any of your first delicious Android phones.
That's rogan.ting.com.
We're also brought to you by Onnit.
That's O-N-N-I-T. I haven't taken my Onnit today.
I might sound stupider than normal.
I haven't taken my Alpha Brain.
bert kreischer
I took Alpha Brain this morning.
joe rogan
Here it is.
Here it is, sweet bitches.
What Onnit is, is a human optimization website.
What we do is we sell you everything that we have found to be beneficial, whether it's for strength and conditioning, whether it's for cognitive enhancing performance, whether it's for athletic performance, like Shroom Tech Sport.
If you're a person that works out I will guarantee you this.
Try Shroom Tech Sport.
You will have more energy when you exercise and it won't be some bullshit, caffeine-y, like, speedy type feeling.
It's all based on the Cordyceps mushrooms.
It's really fascinating stuff.
Cordyceps sinensis.
Thousands of years of use by people not really smarter than you, but they knew more shit about mushrooms.
bert kreischer
The 5-HTP and the new mood, actually, like if you get obsessive compulsive about stuff, it will dial that shit back 100%.
joe rogan
Really?
bert kreischer
Yes.
I get into like little spirals sometimes.
joe rogan
So for you it does that?
bert kreischer
For me, 100%.
If you take new mood, and I'm not even fucking around, I think I can mark a difference when you get obsessive about something and you can't let it go.
joe rogan
That's weird.
So you think that your obsessive thing is like a mental, like a chemical thing?
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
Oh, completely.
I think what I do is I steal all my dopamine at night from my body.
unidentified
You steal it?
bert kreischer
And then during the day, my body's going like jonesing for it.
And so what it does to get rid of it is just makes me think about one thought over and over and over again.
Like a bad thought.
joe rogan
Do you ever try to do something about that other than take new mood?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's hard to get out of, man.
I'll tell you a story when we get done this ad about when I thought I had genital warts.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus.
Let's get it done.
bert kreischer
That was the first time I dealt with this.
joe rogan
Let's get it done right now so we can get into that.
Go to Rogan.
Go to onnit.com.
O-N-N-I-T dot com.
Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.
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Just say, this stuff sucks.
You get your money back.
It's because we're trying to sell you the best shit that we possibly can find.
No one's trying to rip you off.
And if you don't like it, you're some kind of fucking weirdo.
We don't want to do business with you anyway.
unidentified
Son.
joe rogan
All right.
Cue the music.
Bird Crush is here.
Let's make shit happen.
Let's get real.
Let's get freaky with it.
The first beer has been crushed.
unidentified
The Joe Rogan experience.
brian redban
Train my day.
unidentified
Joe Rogan podcast my night.
All day.
joe rogan
Powerful bird crusher.
It's just me and Bert and Jamie, even though I told motherfucking Brian to be here on time.
I call him at 11 o'clock, waking him up.
unidentified
My second alarm didn't go off.
joe rogan
Fucking...
Be here on time.
Gotta be early tomorrow.
No problem.
No problem.
Oh, fuck.
You know what it's like having an employee like that?
bert kreischer
I only know what it's like to have him as a friend and that's fucking fascinating.
joe rogan
It's fascinating.
Yeah.
Imagine relying on him.
Anyway.
We're here.
We're queer.
Get used to it.
bert kreischer
It's so funny that you guys are still as close as you are.
And considering that you guys met via the online and him doing videos, because everyone's like, if you have a podcast, everyone's like, I want to be your Red Ben.
I want to be your Red Ben.
I'll come into your house, man.
We'll hang out.
I can't imagine how that worked.
That you and Brian worked.
That he wasn't a lunatic and you guys are still friends.
joe rogan
He's definitely a lunatic, but he's talented and he's funny.
He's in his own weird ways.
He's a quirky little guy.
He's an odd fella.
It's an interesting mix.
bert kreischer
Dude, getting the trickle-down effect of your friends into my life has been fascinating.
Amber Lyon.
I had her on my podcast.
I only had her on my podcast because I know you guys had a fascinating conversation.
Then Duncan talked to her.
Someone was like, you guys should podcast.
She comes over to my house.
She's fucking amazing.
joe rogan
Yeah, very cool.
bert kreischer
She's really insanely smart.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
It's like, and like Stanhope, I was telling you it was Stanhope.
Stanhope and I just met the other night and like hung out.
We had known each other through stand-up.
He calls me.
He's like, I'm coming in hot.
I'm out of Burr's house.
You know Stanhope when he's like that shaky morning?
I'm going to be there early.
Okay?
So I told my wife, I go, I'm going to go run and get beer for Stanhope and you can hang out with him.
She's like, I'm not hanging out with Doug Stanhope.
She's like, no fucking way.
I go, you go get beer.
I'll wait for Stanhope.
And they just happened to meet on the front porch.
And here's the thing that no one gets about Stanhope.
He is a very real person.
They think he's this guy on stage that's like, abortion and AIDS and rape.
But he's like a genuinely...
A real person.
So we go back, we drink, we do a podcast for like fucking four hours.
joe rogan
What time was this?
bert kreischer
Three in the afternoon.
joe rogan
Oh, okay.
I thought it was the morning.
bert kreischer
No, three in the afternoon.
We start.
And then my wife, and this is what blew me away, is my wife goes, you know, just, hey, I'm serving the girls dinner.
Doug, would you like to stay for dinner?
Now, everyone knows the answer you're expecting to hear is, no, I'm not going to hang out with your family.
But Doug is such a real fucking person.
He's like, I'd like that.
So we sat down with my daughters.
joe rogan
Why do you find that so odd?
bert kreischer
That's strange.
Maybe it's me, but so many people would be like, no, no, no, no.
That intimacy, to share a meal with a family, that intimacy that not everyone has.
joe rogan
Doug, I don't know.
Maybe it's I've known Doug for so long.
bert kreischer
You've known Doug for...
I think what people know of Doug is different than what you know of Doug.
joe rogan
Well, I think it's one of those things where whenever someone's a comedian, it's like this rabble-rousing, drinking, you know, abortion proponent.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like Doug is.
You just assume that it's an act, and that he's just like this, like, Kinnison guy, like, all day long.
But...
When Doug talks about something on stage, it's because these are like actual opinions that he's formulated.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
One of the things that's a real problem with that kind of edgy comedy, one of the reasons why edgy comedy a lot of times sucks, the distastefulness, a lot of it, what it comes from is a lot of these fucking guys that are faking it.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
What they're doing is they're trying to be edgy.
They're trying to find the edgy point of view.
I mean, how many times have you gone to like...
Either an open mic night or a showcase night, and there's a comic that goes up that's saying a bunch of really mean shit that's not funny, but he thinks it's going to be funny if he's just edgy.
If he just says something inflammatory or rude or mean.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
I was that comic, I think, to an extent.
I didn't know what my voice was.
joe rogan
Yeah, I think a lot of us were.
I definitely was in the beginning.
You become that because you're just trying to...
I always describe the two stages of comedy.
The first stage is just trying to figure out what works.
Like, you're terrified.
You don't want to bomb.
It's almost like you have tools.
Like, how do I cut this wood?
Can I use a saw?
Yes, a saw works.
Can I use a hammer?
No, you can't cut with a hammer.
Okay, don't try the hammer again.
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And then there's a while where you're like, stay the fuck away from hammers!
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Hammers really fucked me.
Fucking hammers.
unidentified
Shit.
joe rogan
And then people will give you advice.
Dude, I brought up a hammer in Fort Lauderdale and the audience killed me.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Okay, no more hammers.
bert kreischer
Or someone like Otel will go, dude, I like the way you use that hammer.
And you're like, even though I'm bummed, I'm sticking with the fucking hammer.
unidentified
Back with the hammer.
joe rogan
Back with the hammer.
We're going to rework the hammer.
Otel likes the hammer.
unidentified
Otel likes the hammer.
joe rogan
It's so true.
That becomes a real problem with comics, by the way.
Shout out to the young comedians out there listening.
Do not try to make the back of the room laugh.
That becomes a real issue and it's ruined guys' careers.
Where comics will say obscure shit just to make their comedian friends go, You are only making someone laugh who knows you're doing anti-comedy.
There's guys that were talented funny guys that thought that telling an actual funny joke was beneath them.
And what they wanted to do was only make the comics laugh because those are their peers.
And they fucked themselves, man.
There's a lot of guys that fucked themselves doing that.
bert kreischer
The difference is when you hear someone who does make the back of the room laugh with his obscure joke, he didn't write it.
I'll use a tell as an example.
I remember the line was, I was sitting in the back with Patrice.
By the way, I apologize if my memory of these events isn't accurate.
But I'm telling you what I remember.
I was with Patrice in the back of the comedy cellar, sitting next to Patrice.
Patrice and I weren't good friends at all.
But Lisa Lampanelli walked through and he made a joke about her.
This is before she was who she is today.
He made a joke about her and she laughed.
And then he didn't.
And then he said, the joke was, and I hate that I'm going to say this now, but he's like, oh, look at her.
She's smiling like this special needs girl after she got raped by the softball team, or the baseball team.
I'll see you guys tomorrow!
And I remember Patrice and I were on fucking stitches, and we were like, but he wasn't, he was really hoping everyone would get that, but no one got it except for the two of us.
joe rogan
What do you mean by get it?
bert kreischer
Like, get the joke.
Like, the joke was, and it's very obscure, but there was a book written, and I only know this because I was working at Barnes& Noble at the time, there was a book written about a baseball team that raped a mentally challenged girl in Jersey, and they all got away with it.
joe rogan
Whoa.
bert kreischer
Yeah, they all got away with it.
But the joke was, I'm fucking butchering this.
And it tells me, I never said that.
Because now it's out of context.
I'm making him sound bad.
Right.
But I don't mean to.
But I remember Patrice and I laughed fucking hysterically.
joe rogan
And she laughed too.
bert kreischer
She laughed, but she laughed.
The joke was, oh, look at her.
She's laughing like the special needs girl that just got raped by the baseball team.
And said, okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Like, the special needs girl didn't understand that what had just happened was horrible to her, and Dave was making that analogy that she didn't understand that he wasn't being nice.
joe rogan
Right, right, right.
People give a lot of shit to Lisa Lampanella.
bert kreischer
People give a lot of shit.
Lisa Lampanella and I don't get along.
joe rogan
Really?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
How come you guys don't get along?
bert kreischer
I was doing radio one time in Tampa with my buddy Cowhead, and I lived in Tampa.
I wasn't doing dates.
I was just hanging out, and I was visiting my family, and I'd go in and do radio in the morning, and she came by, and she was like, he needs to leave.
And Coward's like, oh, he's not promoting anything.
He's just here.
She's like, yeah, I don't do radio with other comics.
And he's like, yeah, but he's a friend of the show.
He'll trust me.
Bert's good.
He'll just laugh.
He'll have a good time.
He'll set you up.
And she was like, well, then I don't do the show.
And he's like, well, he's my friend.
I'm not going to ask him to fucking leave.
She was like, he either leaves or I leave.
And I was like, and I actually kind of knew her.
So I went to go say something to her, and I guess as soon as she saw me, she fucking bolted.
And so I was like, what the fuck was that?
Like, I would never...
joe rogan
How long ago was this?
bert kreischer
This was a long time ago.
So long ago, she probably don't remember.
But like, probably nine years ago?
Seven years ago?
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
And I just was like, I was like...
Because I wanted to pay her like the biggest fucking compliment because I'd known her when she would wear the gold chains on stage and the rings.
joe rogan
She used to wear gold chains in the ring?
bert kreischer
Oh, she used to go on stage with a huge Mercedes emblem.
What?
Around her neck, yeah.
And gold rings all over her hands.
unidentified
No way!
bert kreischer
Swear to God!
And be like a rapper.
joe rogan
Oh no.
bert kreischer
Like, yo, yo, yo, yo!
I'm down with the black dude.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
bert kreischer
It wasn't a thought out act like she has.
Like, her act now is a lot more clean.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
She would wear like a costume on stage.
And I wanted to compliment her.
And maybe she was afraid I'd say that.
I don't know.
But I wanted to compliment her and say, you're killing it.
Like, I was excited to see her, but she didn't want me in the room.
joe rogan
That's wild.
Maybe she takes so much shit or took so much shit from comedians that she just didn't want to have anything to do with the possibility of being judged.
I could relate to that feeling.
I kind of get it.
unidentified
I understand it.
bert kreischer
Totally.
joe rogan
Especially if she did a lot of, you know, she experimented with a lot of stuff and tried really hard.
A lot of people gave her a hard time for her racial jokes, saying that she was trying too hard to be edgy and they would just be really mean to her.
But...
I never got into that, man.
My take on comedy is, if I don't like it, why would I be mad at you?
I get it if it sucks.
I don't want to listen to it.
I don't want to be there.
But why would I be mad at you?
For me to want to sabotage someone, I'd have to be...
bert kreischer
I would never do that.
I don't like confrontation.
So I could never do that.
And if you make me laugh, I can't help it.
You make me laugh.
Lisa Lampanelli made me laugh.
joe rogan
Maybe it's just fucking too many dudes were fucking with her, you know?
Maybe it was just too much, so she just had this keep your eyes on the prize type thing in her head, and, you know, this guy's gonna fuck with my vibe.
Get him out.
bert kreischer
Probably.
I mean, I was a lot more...
I was really burned up about it when it happened, and I was like...
I was like, fuck Lisa Lampanelli, but I don't care.
I don't feel that way at all now.
I'm so...
It's neat to see her succeed in the global kind of way that she is, but yeah.
joe rogan
So this is like 2005-ish.
bert kreischer
Probably.
joe rogan
She was getting a lot of heat for being a hack back then by a lot of comics, because that was when she was just starting to become successful.
And you know that thing when people just start to become successful?
The wave of resentment from all the fucking...
All the comedians that just shit on you.
bert kreischer
Dude, I think that...
I think...
That makes people not want to succeed.
joe rogan
Oh, that's crazy.
bert kreischer
I think there are self-sabotaging people where you just...
joe rogan
Oh, I don't think...
Maybe.
They're just looking for a reason to not succeed if that's the case.
If it's because somebody calls you a hack.
bert kreischer
I'm obsessed right now with the type of comic that maybe the art form of stand-up isn't as important as fame.
And getting to the fame of it.
Why would you be obsessed with it?
Honestly, not obsessed about it, but it's definitely where my head's at right now.
Because I think in promoting the book that I'm promoting, non-fucking-stop, you feel like this disconnect from reality.
And then I look at guys that are not really comics per se, but then go out and...
And it's just more about being famous as opposed to being...
You know what I mean?
Is that making any sense?
joe rogan
Totally.
You ever take an acting class?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
If you ever took an acting class, you'd be around those fucking people 24-7.
bert kreischer
They're fucking empty.
joe rogan
That's all they do.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
They're just looking to get it.
Or, you know what they really should have?
They should have reality TV classes.
If you really wanted to get sick, people just...
This is how you get a reality...
That's what we should do.
We should start a fucking seminar on how to become a reality TV star.
bert kreischer
Reality TV star is exactly what I'm talking about.
Like, the guys who just...
It's not about anything other than just being famous.
joe rogan
And you and I could probably qualify to teach that.
I mean, you were on Trip Flip.
You were on your other shows before that.
Those are all sort of reality shows.
And me, Fear Factor, that's sort of a reality show too.
I mean, it's all reality.
But if we wanted to do that, if we wanted to do a quote-unquote reality show...
We easily could get that done.
We could start coaching people on how...
That would be hilarious.
Coaching people on how to be the most vapid reality star ever.
This is what you have to do.
Teach them about conflict.
You've got to get involved in conflict with people online.
As many famous people as possible.
Twitter wars are good for business.
Teach them about Twitter wars.
Teach them how to make YouTube videos calling people out.
This is the way to get the most amount of hits.
Photoshop your head on porn stars' bodies.
Release it all over the internet.
People think it's real.
bert kreischer
You gotta have a porn tape.
joe rogan
If you can have a porn tape, get a porn tape.
But if you have a little dick, stay away from the porn tape.
bert kreischer
God.
joe rogan
Can you imagine?
If you have a porn tape and it backfires, like if you do a porn tape and you get a little dick, Like you have no reference for how big a dick is?
Well, maybe you don't watch porn.
Maybe it's like a comic who's never really watched comedy.
You go on stage, you don't know what you're doing.
You never really watch porn.
Didn't that guy who was the fucking shooter in Santa Barbara say that he didn't watch porn because he would get jealous of the men in the porn videos?
I'm pretty sure that that was something that that crazy fucking said.
bert kreischer
That kid...
I read his manifesto.
I think he...
If he had had sex once, he'd be like, oh, none of this is fucking worth it.
joe rogan
I watched the video.
I wasn't going to, but yesterday I found myself watching it.
I was just clicking through and looking at other stuff online and this...
One of the reasons why I watch it is because it's now become this really odd thing where it's these feminists and men's rights groups are using it as a platform to do battle.
It's become like this battlefield.
bert kreischer
Is that the yes women can?
joe rogan
No, yes all women.
And I think what their campaign is, what they're trying to do with this hashtag is they're saying Guys are saying not every guy is like him.
And what they're saying is, yeah, but yes, all women are subject to those assholes.
And that yes, all women get fucked with.
Yes, all women experience misogyny.
Yes, all women experience sexism.
My problem with all this from both sides is that it's not going to fix mentally deranged people.
And we're also not being completely objective with why he is the way he is.
There's obviously something really fucking wrong with your brain if you can go out and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself, okay?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I think we can all agree on that.
All agree on that.
And obviously, he had some extreme issues with his personality.
If you watch the video, and you don't have to, I mean, I just did yesterday, but if you watch that video, you can see, like, he's a psychopath.
There's something really wrong with this guy.
There's something so wrong.
bert kreischer
Didn't he have Asperger's?
joe rogan
Who knows?
I don't know what that means.
You know, I don't like all these wacky labels when it comes to mental illnesses, because I'm not sure I trust them all.
He's on the spectrum.
Oh, is he really?
Can you weigh that?
Can you put that spectrum on a scale?
Can you make that guy jump in a tank of water and it reads how autistic he is?
I'm not sure I believe you.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like ADHD. The kid's got ADHD. Does he?
Didn't someone just say that they invented that and that it's not real?
bert kreischer
I mean...
joe rogan
What does it mean?
He doesn't like school?
Who the fuck does?
It's boring as shit.
If you put me in school right now, you would think I need drugs.
If they made me go back to high school right now, they would put me on fucking Ritalin.
They'd be like, this kid's got problems.
He's got the ADHD. He's never going to succeed in this life.
He's never going to be a functional part of society unless he takes medication and becomes a fucking square peg.
You can't be living your life as a round hole, you fuckhead.
bert kreischer
Yeah, what do you think you're going to do?
Just go sit on stage, make people laugh?
There's no fucking...
I love that analogy of if you put them in a tank of water...
That's what they did with the witches!
joe rogan
Well, they did it with body fat.
That's what they tell your body fat percentage.
bert kreischer
That's how they told someone was a witch.
joe rogan
Well, they drowned them.
bert kreischer
Yeah, they drowned them!
joe rogan
They didn't really tell if they were a witch.
bert kreischer
If she doesn't die, she's a witch!
joe rogan
Yeah, well, sorry.
We were wrong.
I don't know if that's what they actually said, but they probably figured out some way that she's still a witch.
bert kreischer
I think I probably would have been registered on the spectrum somewhere.
joe rogan
Fuck yeah, you would.
Every comic we know would.
bert kreischer
Oh, every comic I know would.
joe rogan
I was talking to Moshe Kasher yesterday about that.
We were talking about how...
Well, actually, it wasn't him I was talking to about that.
But it was another comic recently about how you...
We didn't talk about yesterday about...
Like, finding early on...
Who the hell was it?
Which comic was in here?
But finding someone early on and recognizing, like, hey, it was Moshe.
We're like, you're all fucked up in a lot of ways.
Like, dude, get them right now.
All these impulsive, crazy, wild kids doing nutty shit.
Get them right now and go, hey, you're probably a comedian.
It was Moshe.
But finding someone who can't pay attention in class is always mocking everybody.
Hey, come here, come here, come here.
There's hope for you.
There really is.
You're like the number one draft pick in this class as far as the stand-up comics draft.
If I was going to come in, I'm an expert on comedy.
I've been a stand-up comedian a long fucking time.
I could come in and I could sit down with all these high school kids and who's the biggest fuck-up?
Come here, man.
What do you get in trouble for?
And the kid would start talking to me.
If I can get this kid to relax and start saying, well, this fat fuck over here won't leave me alone.
And this bitch thinks the shit doesn't stink.
Meanwhile, I know that she blew my friend.
She denies it.
You could find some crazy dude who is probably a wild maniac.
Can you imagine what Joey Diaz was like when he was 15 years old?
Probably stabbing people in class, throwing bottles.
I mean, who the fuck knows what he did?
Who knows what that guy did?
But if you could be there at that time and go, hey, listen, you're probably a comedian.
Like, you could be a great comic.
Like, all this other stuff, it's not gonna work out, man.
That lawyer thing that your mom's pushing for?
Shit ain't gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.
You'll go crazy.
You'll jump off a fucking building, man.
You're a goddamn comedian.
bert kreischer
There was no options in life when I was in college.
It was like, you want to go sell carpet in East Georgia?
Mack Heiser can hook you up with that.
I was never going to go sell medical supplies.
I wasn't smart enough.
joe rogan
I tried doing the construction route so hard.
bert kreischer
I couldn't work.
joe rogan
It was so hard.
It would drive me crazy.
I was doing it while I was still competing.
I worked with my buddy Jimmy.
We did this Knights of Columbus Hall, and it was all like a wheelchair ramp.
So for like two weeks, it was just carrying pressure-treated lumber and bags of concrete.
It was fucking brutal.
And up at the end of the day, I had no energy to do anything.
I couldn't train.
I didn't want to fuck.
I just wanted to sleep.
And then I'd get up in the morning, the alarm would go off, and I'd be like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
I can't believe I have to get up.
I'm so tired.
And you do it all over again.
It was every day.
It was carrying, like, who knows how many hundreds of pounds of shit.
And I just thought of it.
I'm like, this is some people's life, man.
bert kreischer
Forever.
joe rogan
And they just look forward to Saturday and Sunday, and then Monday comes along, and they bite down on their mouthpiece, and they fucking just go out there swinging.
And pick up those bags of cement and carry them up that fucking ramp.
I'll never forget that week.
Those two weeks that I worked for this construction company.
I mean, it was a tough two weeks.
It was the summer.
It was hot out.
It was a tough job.
And ordinarily, you know, they're carpenters.
Ordinarily, they don't have to deal with as many things like that.
Like, they...
They build houses, but occasionally there's a weird project, like a giant wheelchair ramp at Knights of Columbus Hall.
It's a long-ass fucking ramp.
Required a lot of cement and a lot of pressure-treated lumber.
The pressure-treated lumber, the splinters get in your hand.
All I can think of is not feeling sorry for myself at all.
But think, oh, you could get stuck here.
There's a whole lot of paths and options in life.
And I was on a really bad one.
And I was like, ooh, you could get stuck here.
It's good, honest living.
It's not as bad as a path of crime.
It's not as bad as a path of exploitation.
It's not morally bad.
But it was like, ooh, this is going to be difficult and not very rewarding.
This is going to feel terrible.
And it's not going to pay you very much money either.
If you want to be a grunt...
If you want to be a laborer, it's tough work.
It's a real tough way to make a living.
And I remember knowing because of that that I had to find a way out.
And then almost within a year or so, I was doing stand-up.
But it was a part of the whole evolution.
Having that job was a part of my whole evolution because I was like, there's no way this can't happen.
I'll go crazy.
This will be a hellish life.
Because when someone is just telling you what to do all day and it's physically back-breaking and not rewarding, we're designed to want to play.
Our mind wants to wander.
We want to figure things out.
We want to build things.
We want to create.
We want to explore.
We want to see new things.
That's what the human mind wants.
It doesn't want to carry bags of dirt up a fucking ramp all day.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Bags of rocks and dirt and fucking lumber all day.
Your body doesn't want that.
Your mind doesn't want that either.
Your mind wants to do other shit.
Your mind wants to go find some pussy.
bert kreischer
But do you think there are guys that really genuinely love that job?
joe rogan
I don't know.
I would hope so.
Who knows what people like?
I don't understand the Grateful Dead.
There's people out there that love him.
bert kreischer
Oh, I love the Grateful Dead.
joe rogan
There you go.
bert kreischer
I fucking love the Grateful Dead.
joe rogan
I'm not saying you shouldn't love the Grateful Dead.
I bet there's a lot of shit I like that you don't like.
Do you like Dwight Yoakam?
bert kreischer
I love Dwight Yoakam.
joe rogan
I love Dwight Yoakam, too.
Huh.
Johnny Cash?
bert kreischer
Love Johnny Cash.
joe rogan
My dog's named Johnny Cash.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Okay, I'm going to tell you, I'll name something I think you don't like.
joe rogan
Okay, go ahead.
bert kreischer
Do you like the Smiths?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Do you like the Violent Femmes?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Are you shitting me?
joe rogan
No.
I don't hate them.
I'm just not drawn to them.
bert kreischer
Yeah?
joe rogan
But I like weird shit.
Like, I like Tonetta.
Do you know who Tonetta is?
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
He's this, like, transvestite guy in Toronto, and he does these crazy YouTube videos, and they get, like, fucking millions of hits.
I actually bought his vinyl.
Because he sold a vinyl.
So I'm like, if I ever get a record player, I want to have this guy's shit.
Because this guy's doing it completely on his own.
He's up in Toronto.
He's apparently got a kid.
And his son does not like it.
His son is full grown.
He's probably in his 50s, this guy.
unidentified
Oh, really?
joe rogan
And he does all of his own music.
He makes all of his own really crude videos.
Super low budget.
Some of them are just a towel that's hanging in front.
There's him in that image dancing around.
bert kreischer
Oh, my God!
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Oh, I can see he has a son not enjoying that.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, that's just one of his more extreme videos.
Almost all of his...
No, there's other stuff.
You don't have to...
There's other stuff.
If you go to his YouTube videos, his YouTube videos are kind of interesting.
They're like...
bert kreischer
Were those his real nipples?
joe rogan
Low-tech.
No, I think he, like, doctored him up.
bert kreischer
I just got into puffy nipples.
joe rogan
You just got into puffy nipples?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
How'd that happen?
Did you take a pill and...
bert kreischer
I was doing something somewhere, and I walked by, and the girl that was working the front desk didn't have a bra on, but her blouse, definitely, you could see, they didn't look like nipples, they looked like mounds on her tits.
And I just got caught off guard, and I was like, what is that?
I've never seen them.
I've never been up close with them in my life.
joe rogan
It's amazing how much, like, whether you're pro or con, how much that can change things.
Like, some guys, like, are really into big nipples.
And then some guys, like, almost no nipple.
So someone could look at the same breast, and one guy would be like, yes!
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And another guy would be like, ugh!
bert kreischer
I can imagine.
I think it's 4 when you're like 14. Really?
Yeah, what you see first, I think sometimes sets your formation.
I've never seen Puffy Nipples.
Let me tell you something.
I might have been creeped out if I ever saw them growing up.
But man, I got onto a...
There's a Tumblr page.
joe rogan
You're a drunk perv in your latter years.
bert kreischer
Go to Puffy Nipples.
There's a Tumblr where it's like, I'm glad you found me.
I'm a fan too.
Here's all the pictures I've accrued.
joe rogan
Don't go there.
I don't want to see that.
Jesus Christ.
People are so strange.
bert kreischer
What's the weirdest thing you've seen on a girl's body that you've never seen on another girl that you were like, what the fuck is this?
joe rogan
Nothing.
bert kreischer
Nothing?
Like you've never seen a girl with hair on her back?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Like hair on her asshole?
joe rogan
Yeah, but that was standard back in the 80s, man.
bert kreischer
Yeah, that was.
I don't see it at all.
It's only my wife.
joe rogan
Make sure you don't see it with her, right?
bert kreischer
I don't.
joe rogan
Crack that whip.
bert kreischer
Hey, Brian!
joe rogan
Let's get back to what we were talking about to begin with, which was this battle that's going on with the men's rights and the feminists.
It's pretty fascinating because I read this blog today where this...
Alright, here's the thing about all this stuff.
It's certainly important to be nice to women.
It's certainly important to be nice to men.
It's certainly important that we all get along and be cool with each other.
But there's things that happen when something goes down and these really extreme versions of these ideas emerge.
And on the men's side, the men's rights, some of these fucking creepers, some of these people are so gross that one of the things that they're saying is that if women fucked this guy, that he wouldn't have gone on this rampage.
And it's because all you stuck-up bitches wouldn't fuck this guy like this is what you created.
unidentified
Are you serious?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, no bullshit, no bullshit.
There's people out there in this world that genuinely suck.
And they genuinely hate women, and for whatever reason, whether it's the programming they got from their mother, whether it's the genetics that they got from their parents and their grandparents, I don't understand how personality is totally created.
I don't think anybody truly does.
I think it's all guesswork.
I think there are occasionally, though, horrible examples of people who have gone through life and just been shit on and fucked over and they've turned into monsters.
And so you'll run into them at age whatever, 30, whatever the fuck old that guy is that wrote that thing, and you essentially have a woman-hating monster.
That's the difference between feminism and the men's rights, guys.
Because if feminism, if they don't like men, no one's going to rape me.
You know, if women are upset with men, you know, if you run into a similarly unhinged woman, and she's bummed out about dudes, it's very rare that she's going to resort to violence.
bert kreischer
Right.
joe rogan
But a man who's like this guy that's like, she's fucking stuck, all bitches just fuck...
That doesn't really...
That doesn't work the other way.
It doesn't...
You're not going to hear that from women.
So...
The real problem with all this stuff, it's not like that these men's right guys are all evil or feminists or all cunts.
It's that there's two sides doing battle with each other for no fucking reason.
It's like, what side are you on?
I'm the male side.
I'm on the woman's side.
How about just on the good human side?
Because if you're on the good human side, all of it gets abandoned.
All of it.
The whole battle gets abandoned.
bert kreischer
It's like they forget that this is all about the people who died for nothing.
joe rogan
But what I'm saying is that instead of trying to attack each other and go back and forth, that shit is never going to fix anything.
Instead of that, instead of even engaging in that...
Be more proactive and support the good human being ethics.
Support the good human being idea.
Just fucking be cool to each other.
And everyone who can't be cool to each other, keep them the fuck away from me.
Keep them the fuck away from all of us.
Our issues aren't like men versus women.
Our issues are...
Douchey, fucked up men versus cunty women.
That's our problem.
That's our real problem in this life.
And the douchey, fucked up men victimize more women than the women victimize men.
If a woman victimizes a man, here's the big one you always hear.
The big one you always hear is, this fucking bitch, she schemed him, she married him, she got pregnant, she took all his fucking money, it was a plan the whole time.
So what?
So what?
Did she fuck him?
Yeah.
Then she did what he wanted.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
She wanted money.
He wanted to fuck.
They got together.
She pretended to like him more than she did because she liked money.
And the way to get him to give her the money is to pretend she likes him.
It's not fucking rocket science.
You're angry at that?
So you're angry a dumb guy with money got roped in.
Well, guess what?
As smart as he was to figure out how to make all that money...
Figure out how to get good with human communication so you know when someone's just a hooker.
Figure out how to spot some chick who's just trying to rob you because you're ugly and old, but you're rich as fuck.
You thought she loved you.
Are you crazy?
Are you fucking crazy?
Do you have a mirror in your house?
Go stand in front of you.
Go smell your own breath, you fucking creep.
You think she wanted to fuck you because you're hot?
Come on.
You had money.
She's got looks.
It was an exchange.
She got tired of it.
She left.
You didn't set it up right.
You did a bad job.
You got fucked over.
You lost all your money.
Start from scratch, stupid.
You're not a little kid born in Ethiopia with no feet.
I don't feel for those guys.
There's a big difference between A guy who's willing to just get in his car and start shooting people because chicks won't fuck them.
And some girl who's trying to con some rich dude into marrying her and getting her pregnant so she could get a lot of money and fuck him over in a divorce.
Who cares about that guy?
That's the worst thing that can happen?
Child care and child support are the two ones that are really creepy because some relationships they get so fucked up and again It's not a man versus woman thing.
It's an evil person thing like Men will be accused of doing crazy shit to their kids that they've never done anything But the wife hates the man so much like maybe the guy fucked around on her with some woman at work or something like that and got her pregnant some craziness and they're getting divorced women will say Some evil shit.
Just like men will say some evil shit.
Men will make up things about their wife having affairs.
They'll lie about spending money.
They'll plant drugs on each other and then call the cops on each other.
People do that shit.
That's one of the things cops look for in divorce cases.
When someone calls in and says, you know, this guy, my husband, he's using drugs.
I know he's using drugs.
Cops will go, oh really?
Oh yeah, he's using drugs.
You guys getting divorced or something?
Really?
Fuck yeah!
They have to.
They have to.
If you're a detective and you come and you're talking to someone, they're like, I found a bag of cocaine in my husband's underwear drawer.
Did you really?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Okay, are you guys getting divorced?
Yeah, because if you're getting divorced, hmm, I might want to put you on a machine that finds out if you're telling the truth or not.
Would you be cool with that?
Get the fuck out of here.
People are crazy.
Men and women.
Everyone's crazy.
bert kreischer
Now what's the women's side?
joe rogan
The women's side is that they have to deal with people like that all the time.
And that men don't.
And that we should respect it.
But my point of view is that, I mean what I've already said, but also that I think there's a lot of people that jump up when these things happen.
And they look to make a big grand statement.
And I don't know if they're making a big grand statement because they really think they're going to change things or because they want like moral brownie points.
Do you know those things where people do where you're like, ooh, I think you're kind of being gross here.
I don't know why.
I just feel gross about this.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes when people do, they'll talk about shit and you're like...
I know that you believe this, but I also know you are loving all this, like, positive, progressive brownie points you're getting with this article.
There's like a bit of ego behind it that's quite distasteful.
bert kreischer
Wait, what was the article you read?
Was this one about Seth Rogen?
joe rogan
More than one.
No, no, no.
bert kreischer
Did you hear about that one?
joe rogan
Yeah, but this is...
No, this is all about the murder.
All about the mass murder in Santa Barbara.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
He had one about the mass murder?
bert kreischer
They blamed Seth Rogen on the murder in Santa Barbara.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
bert kreischer
Some girl...
I didn't read her article per se, but it was a feminist writing an article about Seth Rogen saying this is what you get when you get...
When you make these male-oriented movies, like Neighbors, where the women are just kind of like goodie bags at the end of the movie, and the women don't have a voice.
By the way, I never fucking listen to what I say.
I started this off by saying I had genital warts.
unidentified
No, no, no.
joe rogan
You were worried that you had genital warts.
bert kreischer
I was worried.
joe rogan
That's incredible.
Judd Apatow slammed a movie critic.
A movie critic?
brian redban
Washington Post and Horton.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus Christ.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Well, you know...
You know, it's funny, but there's a lot of women that, you know, you go to the movies.
Like, here's what I really thought about it for the first time.
The first time I ever really thought about how weird it is and how biased movies are.
And if I really do have white privilege, it's definitely in the movies.
And this is why.
I went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood in Philadelphia with my friend Tommy Jr. and his girlfriend.
And we were...
bert kreischer
What year is this?
joe rogan
This is recently.
The new Planet of the Apes.
Yeah.
unidentified
This is such a better story if it's 1976. No, no, no, no, no.
joe rogan
This is the real...
unidentified
I don't...
joe rogan
What year was the real Planet of the Apes?
I think it was earlier than 76. Probably.
I think this shit was really early.
It was black and white, wasn't it?
Was Planet of the Apes black and white?
bert kreischer
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
The albino monkey.
joe rogan
Excuse me.
Anyway, so we were watching these previews for these movies, and every movie was about white people.
Every movie was about white people over and over and over again.
bert kreischer
Because you're in that room, you're now seeing it.
You're like, oh, fuck.
joe rogan
Totally.
And then when there's finally—1968 was the original Planet of the Apes— And when there's finally a scene where there's a black eye in it, the black eye was like a maniac.
I forget what the thing was, but the black eye was like a complete over-the-top, you know, like, this motherfucker crazy!
You know, like...
I don't remember who the...
I think it was Tracy Morgan.
I think it was a movie with Tracy Morgan.
It was totally, completely buffoonish and over the top.
And I was like, wow!
And I never thought about it before, but I was sitting there in that movie theater surrounded by nothing but black people.
And I was thinking, what is this light?
This is terrible.
This is annoying.
And then I realized I'd never even considered it before as a privileged white male.
I just would go to the movies and like, oh, here's another fucking Tom Cruise movie.
unidentified
Yawn.
joe rogan
Oh, are you really in space, Tom?
Are you really going to save the world, Tom?
Yawn.
Oh, here's Bradley Cooper.
He's taking a pill that makes him super smart.
Yawn.
Oh, here's Scarlett Johansson.
They just injected her with something that makes her super smart.
Yawn.
bert kreischer
I saw the trailer with that Scarlett Johansson.
joe rogan
Let the fuck out of here.
unidentified
It's all white people!
joe rogan
But if you're, you know, it's normal, but if you go to the black theater and you're watching it surrounded by black people and you're like, oh my god, we're gross.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
We're gross and we don't make any movies for black people.
bert kreischer
It's like, have you ever listened to Opie and Anthony with your kids in the car?
joe rogan
Yes, for like a half a second.
bert kreischer
I would never get offended by Opie and Anthony.
I don't even realize what they're talking about.
When I listen, I just go, oh, this is great.
This is so entertaining.
And then your kids are in the car and you're like, daddy, what's a blumpkin?
And you're like, oh, fuck.
joe rogan
It never gets that far.
I turned on the car the other day and Anthony was screaming, because she's a cunt!
Because she's a cunt!
I forgot what it was.
It might have been a best of.
I don't know what it was, but it was so ridiculous.
I heard the one when- I'm sorry.
He's a cunt.
He's a cunt.
It was he's a cunt.
Fuck, who is it about?
God damn it.
And I heard that episode before, so I went to hit the button.
Immediately shut it off.
bert kreischer
I'll listen to their old episodes, like when everyone's in.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Like Colin, Patrice.
I'll listen to any of the ones Patrice was on.
joe rogan
I was listening to a Patrice one they had on the other day.
It was Anthony dressed up as a Nazi.
bert kreischer
Oh, I saw that too!
And Anthony's saying the N-word!
joe rogan
He was dropping N-bombs left and right.
bert kreischer
It was great!
joe rogan
And he was...
They were trying to see who would get picked up quicker.
A guy who looked like a Nazi or was a rapper?
bert kreischer
No, or just a black person.
brian redban
Bigger versus Nazi is what it is.
joe rogan
Right.
Yeah, but did Patrice dress up?
Did he go super ghetto?
bert kreischer
I think he was just already black.
joe rogan
Oh, here's the video.
Look, Anthony's got a goddamn helmet on, and they're picking him up before they're picking up Patrice.
brian redban
And he's doing the Hail Hitler thing, you know, like the arm up.
joe rogan
Yeah.
That's how he's got a Nazi helmet on.
unidentified
But then you see that I'm a Nazi.
You didn't stop with a Nazi.
I'm a Nazi over a figure.
Oh, Miss Patrice.
You see me stuck in the right.
You chose the Nazi, brother?
Nazi over nigga.
Oh, okay.
joe rogan
Now I know.
Now I remember who it was.
You were talking about Ellis.
About...
brian redban
Jason Ellis.
joe rogan
Jason Ellis.
Jason Ellis and them are in a feud.
bert kreischer
Oh, really?
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what it is.
bert kreischer
Okay.
joe rogan
That's whenever that one aired.
unidentified
That's when I hit that button.
joe rogan
Fucking Christ.
My kids were just like...
Like you could tell, someone opened up a door, there's monsters inside, ka-chunk, and the door just shut.
What was that, Daddy?
Nothing.
There's nothing in there.
There's nothing.
bert kreischer
I, uh...
I did my audiobook in my book and I wrote an article, a chapter about Patrice.
And I had to decide in there, do I do Patrice's voice or do I just do a regular voice?
So when you buy the audiobook in my book, you hear me going, damn, Bert!
It's not even a good...
And I was like, do I do that with all black people?
Like when Will Smith talks, do I make him like, I did it, I did it, it's done.
joe rogan
Well, Patrice is just so big with it.
He's so, you know, his voice is so big.
bert kreischer
He was.
joe rogan
You kind of almost have to do it.
bert kreischer
Because, yeah, because you heard, I was telling it on Opie and Anthony, but the whole thing was that I dated a girl with cerebral palsy, didn't know she had cerebral palsy because I was drinking so much, and Patrice thought that was fucking hilarious.
And he kept saying, you an alcoholic?
You can't even say if someone's disabled, Bert!
She's disabled!
joe rogan
That is the worst version.
But it's like if you do a Joey Diaz impression, you have to do it.
unidentified
Right!
joe rogan
If you're going to say something that Joey said, you kind of have to say it.
Everybody does.
Everybody does.
If they say something as Joey, you don't just say...
Like, if Ari has a joke, I might say it as me.
I might tell you, oh, Ari's got this great new joke about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
bert kreischer
Except if you're describing Ari mad, then you'll do the...
unidentified
You can't do that!
bert kreischer
You can't do that!
brian redban
What was your Will Smith voice, though?
joe rogan
Same exactly as his Neil O'Neill voice.
Same exactly as his Kobe Bryant voice.
bert kreischer
I wrote the N-word in the book twice, and I was white people saying it.
I didn't realize it because I didn't fucking really pay much attention to the editing of it.
I just wrote them, and then if the publisher liked them, I was in.
And I was like, I read it and I was like, oh shit, I gotta say the M word.
And I was thinking, for history, I'll go down as saying the word.
And despite whether or not I've ever said it, no one's got me on record saying it.
So I called my buddy, Omar Dorsey, who's on Eastbound and Down, and I was like, hey, can you come and read a passage of my book?
And he's like, oh, I'd be honored, thanks.
joe rogan
Oh my god, so you rubbed him into reading the passage with the M word?
Oh, no you didn't.
bert kreischer
He goes, how am I supposed to do this?
Am I supposed to do this like a white person?
I go, probably would sound good that way.
So he did it.
He's like, you know I love you if I'm getting you out of this one.
joe rogan
Oh, that is so ridiculous.
You should own up to it in the book itself.
In the audiobook itself, you would say, well, there's a questionable word in this passage, so I brought in a good friend.
bert kreischer
I do.
I do.
joe rogan
Oh, do you?
bert kreischer
Yeah, of course, yeah.
Fucking 16 hours to read my own audiobook.
I was like, fucking I cannot read out loud to save my life.
joe rogan
16 hours?
unidentified
16 hours.
joe rogan
How many hours is the actual audiobook?
bert kreischer
Three hours.
joe rogan
Whoa.
That's crazy.
bert kreischer
I am the worst out loud reader.
And for like the first two chapters...
joe rogan
Do they get mad if you fuck it up?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
The guy asked me like on the first chapter, he's like, hey man, do you need glasses?
I was like, no, I'm just not that good about it.
And I was like, oh, do it drunk.
Everyone wants to hear me do it drunk.
You can't fucking read drunk.
So then I described that day.
That day is all useless.
We had to go back and redo it.
And then I was also like, I'd read a passage, and then I'd go on and be like, and then I'd expound on what I just read.
It was like a podcast podcast.
And that was fucking horrible because that took like forever.
And so then finally the guy's like, just fucking read it.
So I just read it towards the end.
But it gets better.
joe rogan
I would think it would be better if you just read it and if you fucked up, just comment on the fact that you fucked that word up and just keep going on.
Like that way people would get...
They'd get the book, the whole book, but they'd also get the experience of you reading the book, like you separating yourself from the book while you read it.
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what it's going to sound like, because I did acknowledge it when I did fuck up, because I'm a comic, so I would work the piece as I was on stage.
joe rogan
Okay, so did they keep that in or did they edit that stuff?
bert kreischer
I think they kept some of it in, but they couldn't have kept all of it in.
joe rogan
That's so weird, though, that they decide what gets left in and what comes out.
bert kreischer
Dude, this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as fuck because you really let go of it because it's an entirely different industry.
joe rogan
Yeah, I didn't.
I passed.
I had a book deal.
I was writing the book and they were giving me these wacky fucking notes.
Just advice on how I should talk about things, what I should describe.
I was like, this is not happening.
You're not involved in the creative process.
I gave them their money back.
I was like, this is crazy.
They wanted me to essentially write my act down On paper and sell it as a book.
And they're like, well, George Carlin did it and Jerry Seinfeld did it.
I was like, that's nice.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm not doing that.
I write different than I do stand-up.
It's two different things.
When you're writing, just writing, there's a way that you can express yourself that's unavailable if you're talking.
Right.
bert kreischer
It's why the Dragon Dictate didn't work for me because you'd talk it into this Dragon Dictate and it would put it right into the computer, like print it.
But it didn't work for me because it sounded spoken.
And one of the hard things for me was I did that same thing where they wanted all the stories I had told on stage or on podcasts.
I was like, I can't do that.
I can't just fill it up with that.
joe rogan
Yeah, they want the stuff that they think they're going to sell.
It's not an artistic thing.
It's like, guess what, dummy?
The same person that told those funny stories, I can tell you other funny stories.
Like, we're not running out of funny stories here.
bert kreischer
It's really fascinating.
And, like, there's stories I had to put in the book.
I had to put the machine in.
I can't not write that in there.
And there's a lot of...
There's, like, the Will Smith story.
I had to put it in.
But then I wanted to do the cerebral palsy one.
I wanted to do one where I met Ralph Sampson.
And when I was a kid, I was...
joe rogan
Ralph Sampson.
bert kreischer
Um, he was a basketball player and I was, I went to school at, I went to, I was like in eighth grade.
I decided I really want to be a basketball player.
And so I went to, um, Villanova basketball camp and Ralph Sampson came to speak.
And like the first night I got a concussion and the two best basketball players got pulled out for drinking.
So the next day I had to sit out with the two best basketball players and everyone thought we drank together.
So now all of a sudden I'm 15, 14 and everyone thinks I'm cool because I'm partying with the 18 year olds.
So Ralph Sampson comes.
I thought this defined me.
Ralph Sampson comes up to give a speech.
He's like, I'm here to talk to you about two things.
There's 5,000 kids on the gym floor.
He's like, we're going to talk about basketball and we're going to talk about discipline.
First, let's talk about discipline.
Who in here parties?
And I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up.
But I was the only fucking person.
I just went...
And he was like...
Oh, one person!
5,000 kids.
No one raised their fucking hand.
He's like...
How do you party?
I was fucking 13. I didn't know how to...
I never partied in my life.
So all I said was...
Hardy?
And he fucking lost it.
And 5,000 kids are slapping the gym floor like...
Oh shit, we're going to make an example out of you, party animal.
He's lost the room.
So he brings me up front, in front of all the kids, and he makes me stand up, and he puts a basketball behind my legs like this, and then one on my arms like this.
And he's like, we party hardy.
Well, we're going to party hardy today.
So I'm standing like this for his whole fucking hour speech with a basketball here and there.
And he's like, and he keeps coming back to me.
And by the way, I'm so in my head that I have social anxiety disorder, but I'm in front of everyone.
And I'm like being made fun.
I'm being mocked that I wasn't listening to his questions.
Somebody's like...
You think you'll ever party again?
I just said, yeah.
And the fucking place went bananas.
They're like, oh!
And he's like, how do you party hardy?
I was like, and I didn't know the answer.
I just was like, with two hands.
Fucking people are losing.
You think you do marijuana?
And now I'm killing them.
I'm like, I'll get to it in college.
And these kids, I left that gym.
And everyone wanted to talk to me.
Everyone's like, party animal, what are you doing?
joe rogan
And you're still holding the basketball between your legs?
bert kreischer
The whole fucking time I'm standing up there.
joe rogan
So while you're cracking jokes.
bert kreischer
While I'm cracking jokes.
joe rogan
How long did you hold the basketball?
bert kreischer
An hour.
joe rogan
That's a long time.
bert kreischer
My cousin Abe, I almost brought him here today.
I should have.
I didn't even think about it.
My cousin Abe was there at the camp because he's from Philly.
I didn't know anyone.
My cousin Abe's like, I didn't know you partied.
I go, I don't.
I don't, I just thought we'd all put our fucking hands up.
And he's like, Neil, why would you put your hands up if you don't party?
I was like, I wanted to be cool.
So yeah, so like, so now, and then everyone would come up, and they'd be like, Party Animal, you partying hardy tonight?
I'd be like, yeah.
But then I became cool at that camp, and then I have friends, and so I wrote that story.
It was a little longer, and I gave it to them.
I go, this is the best story.
This defines me.
And they're like, uh, not really.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
bert kreischer
So it's all partying stories, but it's like...
joe rogan
That's a hilarious story.
bert kreischer
Oh, thanks.
joe rogan
That's so nutty.
That this could have possibly sent you on a path when you were that young.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know?
bert kreischer
13 years old, I just...
And it's all just wanting to be accepted.
unidentified
I don't...
bert kreischer
Did you ever have one of those moments where you'd go somewhere and you didn't know anybody?
joe rogan
Sure.
bert kreischer
But you felt like everyone fucking grew up together?
joe rogan
Yeah, that's a weird feeling.
bert kreischer
I felt like that a lot as a kid.
But I thought that that defined me because then I became the party animal.
I kind of lived up to whatever...
By the way, I went to high school the very next year and didn't know anyone.
So I'm sure that kind of...
I was like, well, it worked in Villanova.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's definitely a different personality that develops when kids have to move too, right?
If they move from one spot to another spot, they move more than once.
They develop this like...
It's this weird newcomer personality, you know?
In every romantic kids movie, the rebel that moved into town, the new kid.
bert kreischer
That you don't know of and you think he smokes cigarettes.
joe rogan
Fucking Twilight-style movie or even like Karate Kid.
Didn't he like move into some new town?
bert kreischer
Dude.
Karate Kid.
Fucking the day Karate Kid came out was my first day of tennis camp.
And so I go, I fucking can't believe I didn't write about this.
I didn't know anyone.
I didn't know anyone.
So then all the very end of camp, I started meeting the cool kids and they're like, hey man, what are you doing today?
I was like, nothing.
And they're like, you want to go see Karate Kid?
And I didn't know anything about it.
And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.
So they're like, cool, meet us at Mission Bell.
That's where this place was.
My mom's late.
We're late doing everything.
She drops me off to the movie late, and I go in, and the movie's already started.
I can't find any of the kids, but I already bought the ticket, and I already have popcorn and a drink, and I'm like, fuck.
So I just go down, and I sit down.
I've never seen a movie by myself at that time, and I just sit down, and I keep looking for them, but I can't fucking find them.
But then, the movie starts, and it's a great fucking movie.
And it's a movie about a loner kid, like myself, that doesn't know anyone, and he's trying to break into the new group, just like I was doing at tennis camp, and I really get involved in it.
I get so involved in the movie that when he does the fucking crane kick and kicks the guy, I start bawling fucking crying, thinking, I'm Danielson.
In my head, I'm like, I feel like Danielson.
The house lights come up, and the fucking kids that had wanted me to meet were sitting directly like two rows in front of me.
joe rogan
And they heard you weeping?
bert kreischer
They heard me crying, and I'm sobbing.
joe rogan
Were you weeping?
Like loud?
bert kreischer
Sobbing.
Like a fucking ten-year-old cry.
Like if you were ten.
joe rogan
How'd that work out?
bert kreischer
They turned around, and they saw me crying, and they were about to make fun of me, and they're like, Oh, you got us!
You got us!
We thought you were crying!
You're fucking with us!
You were sitting behind us the whole time!
And I was like, Yeah, yeah, that's it.
unidentified
That's it.
bert kreischer
And I fucking walked out.
That movie, I still to this day.
joe rogan
So you had a fake that you weren't crying?
bert kreischer
I had a fake that I wasn't crying and then we all hung out and they're like, you can just do that?
Make yourself cry?
I was like, yeah.
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
You never cried in a movie?
joe rogan
Yeah, I've definitely cried in movies.
bert kreischer
Like what?
joe rogan
Old Yeller?
bert kreischer
Old Yeller?
joe rogan
What the?
brian redban
Not even like Boys in the Hood?
joe rogan
No, I didn't cry in that.
I can't watch movies when things happen to little kids.
bert kreischer
Oh, like Ransom?
joe rogan
I didn't watch that movie.
I couldn't.
It's not going to happen.
I can't.
I don't want to.
bert kreischer
How about The Time Traveler's Wife?
joe rogan
What's that?
bert kreischer
That's a movie that I cried really bad at.
joe rogan
What is it?
bert kreischer
It's about this dude who can time travel.
For real?
Yeah, it's Eric Bana.
joe rogan
Get the fuck out of here with that movie, kid.
How high were they when they pitched that?
bert kreischer
It was a woman.
She wrote it.
I told Duncan about it, and he goes, did you read the book?
I said, no.
And he goes, in the movie, does he come back and teach himself to jack off?
I go, it's not in the movie.
He goes, they didn't follow the book.
joe rogan
In the book, he came back and taught himself how to jerk off, so he was kind of gay for himself.
He was a gay pedo to himself.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but he's only turned on the kids that look like him.
unidentified
Exactly.
joe rogan
But only when he was 14. Yeah.
bert kreischer
Hey, everybody go to burtburtburt.com and order my book!
If you see it in a bookstore, buy it, please, and tweet me a picture of you shirtless reading it in a Barnes& Noble.
brian redban
Tag Tom Segura.
bert kreischer
Tag Tom Segura and Brendan Walsh.
joe rogan
Your book, when you wrote it, how much input did they have as far as what you could and couldn't put in?
bert kreischer
Probably 100%.
joe rogan
100%?
bert kreischer
Like, there was things they wanted in there.
There were things I wanted in there, and there were things they wanted in there.
joe rogan
So did you, like, have to meet in the middle?
bert kreischer
Yeah, I met in the middle.
Like, it is probably, I think, 14, 12 chapters is probably...
Maybe four chapters, people heard the story, like The Machine.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But the rest of the one, I got to...
But then there were ones they wanted to, from the article I told about the time I shit on a pizza box to win an election.
I talk about...
Me and my buddy Eddie took over this town one time.
Not took over, but we told him we were writing a book, like right out of college.
We told him we were writing a book for MTV about partying.
And then these girls threw a fucking insane party for us, and they were all like fucking, I mean, it was like just out of a movie, and then we all drank together, and then I'm trying to fuck this chick at like 3 in the morning, and she's like, she stops me, and she's like, buddy, I'm just doing enough to get in the book.
And I'd forgotten about the book lie, so I'm like, what book?
She's like, you're writing a book?
I was like, I'm not writing a fucking book.
She was like, that's the only reason we're here, and I was like, oh yeah, the book!
So then I wrote at the end of that chapter, honey, I don't know where you are or what your name is, but you made it in the fucking book.
Finally, after all these years.
joe rogan
That's funny.
bert kreischer
Yeah, so it was fun, but I probably won't do it again.
joe rogan
Seems like a shit ton of work.
bert kreischer
It's a fucking lot of work for very little money.
joe rogan
But you've lived a fucked up life, so it's probably important to document it.
brian redban
Have you ever got alcohol poisoning?
Have you ever taken it to the next level?
bert kreischer
No, I haven't.
I've never gotten alcohol poisoning.
joe rogan
I bet your liver...
bert kreischer
Don't listen, I'm talking about my liver.
joe rogan
You know they have those foie gras, they made it illegal in California, duck liver, inflamed duck livers.
They're delicious.
What they do is they take a duck and they put a feeder down its throat and they force feed it and people hate it.
It becomes like this horrible cruelty issue.
But meanwhile, you can kill them and eat them still.
You just can't do that to their liver.
It's very strange.
And you're not even supposed to sell it organic.
You can't have organic faguar, which would mean you wouldn't overfeed them.
You just give them a lot of food.
Just have food around them all the time.
They'll be smaller livers, but still delicious.
They don't even allow that, which is crazy.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
But it's still...
You eat the rest of the animal, though.
Ducks.
People eat ducks all the time.
Goose...
They eat all that shit.
They eat geese.
brian redban
You can still eat it in Vegas, though, right?
Because I think I saw it in Vegas the other day.
I was like, fuck yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, you can get it in Vegas.
bert kreischer
You can get it in France, too.
I think we had it in France.
joe rogan
I'm not for animal cruelty.
Don't get me wrong.
But what's weird about the fog wild thing is there's ways of doing it ethically.
There's ways of doing it where they actually want to get overfed.
They actually go around the feeder.
The birds are looking for it.
They want to get fed.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
It's not necessary to hold their fucking neck like that and shove it down them.
But if you just give them a shitload of food, you're going to get a pretty good result.
It might not be as good as stuffing it down their throat, but the...
The idea is, like, banning it is ridiculous.
Like, banning the eating of a duck's liver is ridiculous.
Oh, don't answer it.
We're on the podcast, fella.
bert kreischer
Just say hi to him.
Oh, never mind.
joe rogan
Go ahead, answer it.
bert kreischer
No, no, he hung up.
Sorry.
joe rogan
He won't leave a message either.
bert kreischer
No, he will not leave a message, and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back, but you don't know what it's about.
joe rogan
Well, that's what he wants.
He just wants to see missed call on his phone, and then he calls you back.
Anything else?
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I texted him one time.
I tried to text him, and he was just nothing.
And you're like, I don't fucking look at that shit.
unidentified
Come on, dog.
joe rogan
I'm not looking at that shit.
bert kreischer
Come on, Bart Kreischer.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's got rules.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
If you want to communicate with the Don, you gotta follow the rules.
bert kreischer
I fucking love Joey.
joe rogan
I love Joey.
You gotta follow Joey Diaz rules, yeah.
Like I said, he's a perfect example of a guy who had to be a comic.
There's a lot of us, man.
bert kreischer
He's the kind of guy that I'd like to see a book written.
joe rogan
Hey, what happened with that Tracy Morgan thing?
Because Tracy Morgan says that that story's bullshit.
You know, that story that you did and Jay Moore wound up doing for a while and stopped doing.
He says it's bullshit.
Is he just lying?
He just doesn't want people to...
bert kreischer
I knew it when I first told it.
The first time that story ever got out, I was like, here's the reason I didn't want to tell it.
Number one, Tracy Morgan will never remember that story.
He's never going to remember that night with me, and he's definitely not going to fucking...
I never thought he'd ever be like, oh yeah, that's all true.
But Tony Woods was there.
joe rogan
And Tony Woods says it's true.
bert kreischer
Tony Woods remembers it just like...
Tony remembers it a little differently than I do, but what we remember is, now that's how you get out of paying the check.
joe rogan
Right, right.
bert kreischer
And Tony, and I've always said this, and I said this on your podcast the first time I told it, And it's one of those things, I wanted to put this story in the book because I wanted to clear up whatever rumor there was for good, and that is, when I smoked that with Tracy Morgan, I remember saying, what's in your weed?
And then he said, you smoked Sherm or whatever.
I went right over to Tony Woods, and Tony Woods was like, he's just fucking with you.
So, like, I've always said that I thought he was fucking with me, that I didn't think I smoked PCP, that he was just fucking with me the whole night.
So, like, or not, I don't fucking know, but I've never said, like, me and him, we're smoking PCP. What had happened was, the story he heard, the story everyone had heard, was...
Jay Moore's version of it.
joe rogan
And he added things to it.
bert kreischer
Well, it didn't happen to him, so he didn't care.
He didn't have an attachment to the truth.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
You know, so like in his thing, I think they were pretty much definitely smoking PCP all night long, and they were punching out car windows and having lightning bolt fights.
It was a much better story his way, but my way was very attached to the truth of I didn't know.
I had no fucking idea.
joe rogan
What do you think about that, about taking a story and then adding a bunch of shit to it?
Like...
It's tricky, right?
Because it does make it funnier.
bert kreischer
Fuck yeah.
joe rogan
But it's not really...
Where does it become art?
It's like a weird collage of reality and paintings.
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
A fake background.
A real life, but a fake background.
Well, it kind of looks cool.
But what is this?
This is a picture?
Are you telling me a story that really happened?
Or are you just...
Is this a fictional piece that you've created?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's like one of those...
I was watching that fucking W movie.
Did you ever see the W movie?
Terrible movie.
Awful movie.
It was just so clunky and cartoonish.
It's like an ABC after-school special on the former president.
But while it's going on, I was like, I'm watching people pretend that these were the words that came out of all these people's mouths in this order.
Like, you don't know.
You weren't there.
I can't.
These people are alive still.
Like, I can't watch this.
This is so ridiculous.
I can't watch it.
bert kreischer
I've always been very...
It's the problem with my storytelling.
The machine story is 100% true.
I can't really veer that much off the truth.
joe rogan
That's good, though.
That makes you a good storyteller.
bert kreischer
But it makes it difficult.
The reason I don't tell the Tracy Morgan story on stage is because when I tell it, it's not very entertaining.
I mean, it's as entertaining as it is, but it's not a great story.
There's big fucking lulls where you're just hearing me give you facts about what went next and what happened next.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
So when I wrote it in the book, I tried to be fair to Tracy because I don't want people saying he smokes PCP. I don't want him to have to defend that.
I would not like that either.
So I had to write it very fucking accurate to exactly what happened so that when, if he does read it, he goes, oh yeah, there had to be more than one night like that.
joe rogan
Yeah, there had to be.
And he's kind of open about that, which is why I was surprised.
bert kreischer
He said, I would listen to him in NPR. This is way before that story ever got out.
What a weird world.
joe rogan
Tracy Morgan's on NPR. There was an NPR interview.
All things considered.
bert kreischer
And he said he'd never done drugs in his entire life.
joe rogan
Oh, well, that makes sense.
bert kreischer
And I was like, he said, yeah.
And so I was like, okay.
And I saw on Reddit, he was like, I've always smoked my own weed.
I've never smoked PCP. And then I'm like, okay.
And in my head, I was like, well, I just, I don't...
joe rogan
Those two statements are mutually exclusive.
bert kreischer
But that's why I was like, that's why I was like, that's why I never wanted to tell the fucking story.
Because I was like, he says he's never done drugs.
I've done them with, I've smoked weed with him.
joe rogan
Yeah, you know what, man?
I think it's just like, you gotta just let Tracy Morgan be Tracy Morgan.
You shouldn't probably talk about...
That story's done.
bert kreischer
He said it.
It's done.
joe rogan
Say nothing but good things about him from here on out.
bert kreischer
Dude, I say in the book he is a well-calculated, smart guy who knows what the fuck he's doing.
joe rogan
He's funny as shit, man.
bert kreischer
He's fucking hilarious.
joe rogan
That dude makes me laugh all the time.
bert kreischer
Bums me out that he hears my name and he's just like, oh man, that fucking guy.
joe rogan
Maybe he doesn't.
Maybe you'll see him one day.
Or maybe you meet him and he starts smacking you around.
bert kreischer
Maybe.
joe rogan
And Red Band has to save you.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Do you think he would?
Do you think Brian would jump in front of a bullet for you?
brian redban
He would see my Jordans and be like, damn, alright.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I think Brian would save my life.
What do you think about when people...
joe rogan
He would see your Jordans and have respect for you and stop fighting?
brian redban
Dude, I got some pretty sweet Jordans.
joe rogan
I don't think it works that way.
Good luck trying, though.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
What do I think about what?
bert kreischer
What do you think about when the...
Because I read a lot of comics books, comedians books.
One of the things I was disconnected with was when guys would just...
It seemed like they just would reinvent their history.
And just be like...
joe rogan
Just lie about it?
bert kreischer
Or maybe just not...
joe rogan
Not own up to things?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
unidentified
Hmm.
joe rogan
I don't know.
You know, I've only read a little bit of a few comics books.
I've never read a whole comics writing from start to finish.
I've read books on comics, like the Kinison book that his brother wrote, and I read a little bit of Steve Martin's book, but I get bored.
I get bored reading about, you know, I get it.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, I mean, I think that...
If I wanted to read a comic's writing, most of the time I'd want to read what's their thought process.
What do they think about things?
What's happened in their life?
What do they think about the world that we live in?
What are their thoughts that couldn't be condensed to a stand-up act?
You know what I mean?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Like, you'd rather hear someone's process, write a book about their process, or the way they think, or the way they see things, as opposed to just, like, just the product of that.
joe rogan
When I was 14, my mom moved in with my stepdad, who was a real piece of shit.
You know, like, oh, man, I've heard too many stories like that before, you know?
bert kreischer
You know, that's not my...
I had a fucking...
I had that white guy in the black movie theater life, where you go, goddamn, white privilege, holy shit.
joe rogan
What do you mean?
bert kreischer
Like what you were talking about when you were in the black movie theater?
unidentified
Uh-huh.
bert kreischer
Like I don't think I've had any of the struggle that anyone has in their life.
Yeah.
And I think that can cause anxiety to some people.
So you start thinking, when's that going to happen?
When's the struggle happen?
When's the bad thing happen?
Like death or cancer or loss of a child or a kidnapping or a fucking school shooting and your kid does it.
joe rogan
Yeah, but you think about that shit all the time.
You're always thinking about bad things happening all the time.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You should put that in the book, how you're always thinking about bad things happening all the time.
bert kreischer
You don't think like that?
joe rogan
You can.
bert kreischer
No, you.
joe rogan
No, I can.
I mean, but I don't let it happen.
bert kreischer
Yeah?
joe rogan
I don't, yeah, I just stop those thoughts.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
They don't help you.
I know it's, I'm not stupid.
I know that people could shoot people.
I know that meteors can land.
I know the earthquake could hit at any moment.
But right now is okay.
Feel that?
Nothing.
There's a problem that most of your time is going to be fine and everybody sits around waiting for the one moment when the fucking tsunami hits instead of enjoying all the moments up until that point.
So what?
You're going to be bobbing around the middle of the ocean gasping for air going, I was right!
I was right!
You were wrong and I was right!
We're all fucking dead!
You don't win then.
You're dead too stupid.
But the problem is the now.
Right now.
That's what people are so terrified of and terrible at managing.
People are terrible at managing the constant state.
The state of right now.
So you're always looking for the future and you're always worried about the past.
Looking towards some moment where it's gonna all go bad and the fucking sky's gonna turn black and lightning bolts are gonna go sideways through the fucking town.
Everybody's worried about that, but not enjoying I'm enjoying not things happening.
You're fine.
You're fine.
I'm fine.
One day I'm gonna have cancer.
You don't have cancer now, okay?
And if you do, you're still alive.
You know, if you have hep C, well, at least you can say I have hep C. When you're dead, you can't even say that.
People are real bad at now.
So you're always worried about this and that and that and this.
You don't have to be.
If it happens, it happens.
But right now, it's not happening.
Concentrate on right now.
That's what people suck at.
People suck at living in the present.
It's very uncomfortable for a lot of people.
bert kreischer
I think if you don't live in the moment, you have a hard time writing.
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
You're in your own head.
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Seriously, I just spent fucking three hours in bed worrying, can I feel my liver touching my ribcage?
And then not living in the...
joe rogan
It's inflamed.
bert kreischer
Does that happen?
joe rogan
It's inflamed.
bert kreischer
Does it really happen?
joe rogan
Your liver is probably enormous.
bert kreischer
No, it's on my fucking left side.
The pain's on your fucking right side?
joe rogan
No, it's on your right side.
bert kreischer
Your liver's on your right side?
joe rogan
Yes.
brian redban
Yeah, I won't.
joe rogan
You didn't even bother Googling and now you're upset?
When you get hit with a left hook, think about where you get hit with a left hook.
bert kreischer
I've had pain here, like in my left.
brian redban
That's your heart.
bert kreischer
No, it's below, but it's like right here.
joe rogan
It's the dick factory.
That's where your dick is built.
bert kreischer
Dude, it was not my liver.
Oh, fuck, that makes me feel so much better.
joe rogan
Well, it's probably your kidneys, you fuck.
bert kreischer
I think it might have kidney stones.
joe rogan
You're breaking all those goddamn things.
bert kreischer
I would like to do one cycle of growth just to get my body back.
joe rogan
It doesn't work like that.
bert kreischer
Doesn't it?
joe rogan
Christ!
I just want to take one pill that brings me back to 20. No, just heal everything.
Oh, no.
bert kreischer
Doesn't it help with healing?
joe rogan
It helps with healing, but you're not going to heal shit that's broken.
bert kreischer
You can't just do a cycle of steroids and everything starts...
joe rogan
Who knows what you might have wrong with you if you're saying heal everything.
What do you got?
Do you need surgery?
bert kreischer
I don't know.
My back is all fucked up.
joe rogan
Yeah, you probably have fucking bulging discs and shit.
You know, take care of yourself, son.
You can fix that with growth?
bert kreischer
I was just like, yeah, I thought maybe if I got on growth, I'd get it inspired to take care of it.
unidentified
Do you work out?
joe rogan
How often do you work out?
bert kreischer
Yeah, I work out a lot.
I just started doing a lot of core and like the yoga where you double up when you do the hold the pose and then you pump it.
joe rogan
Uh-huh.
bert kreischer
But I just got these arm bars on my back because I was like, I'm going to fucking fix my core.
Hang out with Stan Hope.
I think I have a hernias too.
I'm fucking...
Let's just do...
Just open the bottle of fucking whiskey.
This is a fucking...
I'm...
joe rogan
What's the matter?
What?
bert kreischer
Nothing.
joe rogan
Trying to get whiskey now?
unidentified
What happened?
bert kreischer
I've had three days of honest sincerity that I thought I could feel my liver.
Now I know it's on the other side.
Do you have any idea what a fucking...
joe rogan
Do you ever go to the doctor?
bert kreischer
Yeah, once a year.
I go next week.
joe rogan
Are you fucking gearing up for that?
What's the thought process behind that?
Do you ever worry that you might be giving yourself something by thinking about it all the time?
bert kreischer
I think about that, too!
I think about that, too!
Oh, no.
I definitely prep for the doctor.
I don't go in raw.
I fucking have a week of...
But I just started not drinking on planes.
That was my biggest thing.
joe rogan
Just started?
bert kreischer
Just started.
joe rogan
So every time you'd take a plane flight, you would get hammered?
brian redban
Trash.
bert kreischer
Every time.
joe rogan
Wow.
bert kreischer
And that, I was like, that's not, I can genuinely feel that.
joe rogan
Does anybody ever reach out to you like a Dr. Drew type dude?
bert kreischer
Dr. Drew, I talked to Dr. Drew about it.
joe rogan
What did he say?
bert kreischer
He's like, it's bad.
joe rogan
Like you're an alcoholic.
bert kreischer
No, no, no.
It doesn't say I'm an alcoholic.
Because here's the other thing is that I can totally not drink.
But I couldn't, the thing is, I couldn't not drink on planes.
I really genuinely could not not drink on planes.
Like I got to a place that if I was on a plane or if I was getting on a plane, I had to drink and I would be physically ill having to put alcohol in my mouth at like for a six in the morning flight on a Sunday and you're just like, I'm fucking, like gagging going, this is disgusting, but I need to calm down because I'm freaking the fuck out.
joe rogan
It's weird that that's the one public place where it's totally acceptable to get fucked up.
bert kreischer
Yeah!
joe rogan
I mean, the plane is the one public place where the people that work there who are also involved in making sure you're safe serve you booze.
I mean, how weird is that?
Like, it's totally, I mean, would you like a mimosa?
They offer you in the morning.
bert kreischer
You want a double?
Always double for half the price.
That's the first thing you ever hear in an airport.
Can I get a jack on the rocks?
Would you like a double for half the price?
Sure, done.
joe rogan
Double for half the price, like the second one.
bert kreischer
The second one's half.
joe rogan
Wow.
Yeah, they're trying to get you fucked up.
They know they can sell booze to people who are scared.
brian redban
Why isn't there the drunk girl on the plane, though?
You never see the pukers?
bert kreischer
Oh, there are.
If you fly as much as I do, you see aggressively drunk people.
joe rogan
I've seen arguments on planes, which is real uncomfortable.
bert kreischer
The problem is, as a guy who drank on planes, I was always well below the radar.
I never caused drama.
If I never pushed it when it came to drinks, if I felt like I had ordered too many, I would stop.
And I was well aware of it.
And then, but you see it.
And then when we went to Hawaii, like, recently, like, a few weeks ago, Leanne, I came off the road.
I fly in from, like, I don't know where I was, but I fly in, and I'm coming in hot.
Like, you can tell, like, I've been drinking on the plane a lot.
And I've been flying, like, every other day.
And Leanne's, like, pulled the plug.
She goes, no booze on this trip.
I went, what?
She goes, no booze on this trip.
You're going to hang out with the family.
You're going to connect with the family.
And I was like...
joe rogan
Whoa, there's a problem in the Kreischer household.
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I said, I said, no.
I said, okay, I can do that in Hawaii on the plane.
She goes, no booze on the plane.
See if you can do it.
See if you can do it.
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
And so I was like, can I take a Xanax?
And she was like, yeah.
joe rogan
What the fuck is that?
Jesus fucking Christ!
brian redban
Just take a nap.
bert kreischer
Take a nap.
I don't have that brain, Brian.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
bert kreischer
Brian, I don't ever...
If I have something to do, I would never sleep through an alarm.
I literally stay awake thinking I gotta wake up in the morning.
I'll sleep half...
I don't want to miss my alarm.
joe rogan
Jesus Christ, dude.
A Xanax?
Why did she say you could take a Xanax if you're trying to stay sober?
bert kreischer
Dude, me on a plane...
joe rogan
But a Xanax gets you fucked up, right?
bert kreischer
No, it's very mild.
And I talked to Dr. Drew about it because I was concerned.
So I was like, I don't want to be taking Xanax.
He goes, what you're taking, what I take to fly now.
So I'll take it to fly.
That's the only time I take it.
Is half a milligram.
He goes, half a milligram.
Your body processes that, like, less than a shot of tequila.
He's like, it's that healthy for you.
He said, the problem is...
joe rogan
Healthy for you?
bert kreischer
Meaning, like, liver-wise.
I'm talking about liver stuff.
joe rogan
So it's not healthy for you.
It's just not bad for you.
bert kreischer
It's not bad for you.
joe rogan
Okay.
unidentified
Sounds like people fucking taking Xanax every morning with their fruit.
joe rogan
I have a fruit salad and Xanax.
bert kreischer
Oddly enough, it does take your blood pressure down.
joe rogan
It makes me calmer, and it allows my food to process more efficiently.
Imagine they found out that Xanax does shit like that.
It allows your body to process things better.
I find I learn better when I'm on Xanax.
bert kreischer
Dude, have you ever had the ADHD medicine?
No.
joe rogan
What is it?
bert kreischer
Adderall?
joe rogan
Adderall.
No.
No, we talk about it all the time, though.
I know a dude who's got a problem with it.
bert kreischer
Fucking amazing.
joe rogan
I know a couple dudes who have a problem with it.
Three, in fact.
Yeah, one that's got a real problem with it, though.
bert kreischer
Yeah, it's amazing.
joe rogan
Never tried it.
Scared.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Not interested.
bert kreischer
Oh, you can focus.
joe rogan
I think I'd like it.
unidentified
I don't want to do anything that speeds me up, man.
joe rogan
I'm trying to stay calm.
I don't want that either.
I'm fine.
I'll smoke a little weed.
bert kreischer
Weed is better for your liver than Xanax.
joe rogan
I'm not interested in those pill highs, man.
Maybe it's a good one.
I don't know.
But those pill highs, they're creepy to me.
I don't want to enjoy it.
I don't want to like it and then be looking to...
I support some pill-high company.
But, you know, it's really hypocritical on my part, because what is Xanax?
It's just technology.
Somebody figured out how to isolate some compounds that do something very particular to the human body.
Like, why would I be against that?
I love science.
I love the idea of constant innovation, and that's what that is.
Someone figured out a way to author human neurochemistry.
I just don't trust me.
That's why things like Adderall, I'm like, mm-mm, not for me.
I'm too crazy.
What if I like it?
What if I like it?
I have really good self-control, but if I start taking Adderall and getting a lot of shit done, I could see me justifying taking Adderall a lot and getting shit done.
Well, time to get shit done and just fucking...
Just fucking ramp up with some Adderall and start rebuilding a wing on my fucking house.
bert kreischer
That's what you do?
joe rogan
Yeah, I'm not interested in that.
brian redban
It's like spinach.
joe rogan
Yeah, I'm trying to stay calm.
bert kreischer
I thought Adderall would be great to write a book.
joe rogan
I bet it would.
I've heard of people snorting Adderall.
A friend who's an author, allegedly.
He used to snort Adderall.
And his wife got mad at him because he was snorting Adderall.
And he's like, I'm just trying to fucking write the book.
brian redban
She's like, you're fucking snorting it!
joe rogan
And he's like, well, that's the most effective.
I don't care!
Just take it!
Take it and wait an hour!
Do you have to fucking snort it?
This big duke guy.
He's like, what do you care about the delivery method?
She's like, I'm not having this argument with you.
Don't snort drugs in my house.
bert kreischer
I told you my dad was doing that speed for a long time.
joe rogan
Your dad was doing speed?
bert kreischer
I told you a long time ago.
It was probably three years ago.
But yeah, he was...
The doctors prescribed it.
joe rogan
Oh, yes.
bert kreischer
And he was taking the pill and he didn't realize it was speed.
And he was just like, I'm getting so much shit done.
Yeah.
joe rogan
Was it Adderall?
Was it Adderall?
bert kreischer
It is the other fen.
unidentified
Oh.
bert kreischer
So it was fen-fen.
One was a...
joe rogan
Diet pill was fen-fen.
brian redban
Trim spa.
joe rogan
Trim Spa?
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
What is that stuff?
brian redban
That's the stuff that Anna Nicole Smith used to sell.
joe rogan
Didn't that...
What stuff they...
unidentified
God!
joe rogan
They pulled a lot of that shit off the market, right?
Like, rip fuel.
You can't buy that anymore, right?
brian redban
I have a bottle of trim spa, though.
bert kreischer
Can you believe Anna Nicole's son died in the waiting room?
Overdosed in the waiting room at her deathbed?
joe rogan
Did he really?
bert kreischer
Yeah, like, she was overdosed and dying, and then he overdosed and died.
Or wait, maybe...
No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
He died.
She had a baby.
And he died in the waiting room for the baby.
God, man, that fucking...
joe rogan
Yeah, it's not a good role model, that Aunt Nicole.
She's not really going to teach you the ins and outs of life, character development.
No.
unidentified
Fucking...
joe rogan
So crazy.
I have a family member that's got the problem with the Oxys.
bert kreischer
Oh, we have lots of family members with those.
joe rogan
Guy was totally normal.
Got injured at work.
Back problems.
Just like bad lower back.
Doctor hooks him up with the pills.
unidentified
Boom!
joe rogan
He's off to the races.
Now he's a fucking complete total loser and can't keep a job.
I knew that kid from an early age.
Always worked.
Always been responsible.
A little nutty, but always on the ball.
Got things done.
All he needed was that getting hooked on those oxys.
That was his check out.
Dunsville.
bert kreischer
Pain pills are so fucking good.
joe rogan
I can imagine.
I can totally imagine.
bert kreischer
Never done them, even after your surgeries with your back?
joe rogan
Nope.
Well, I did one with one surgery, my first ACL surgery.
It was a very particularly painful way of doing it.
Because they did what's called a patella tendon ligament, a PCL. They take the PTL and they take a slice of it.
Like, say if your patella tendon is about that wide, they might take like a third of it.
And that strip, because your patella tendon is really big.
You don't need it to be that big.
It's sort of over-designed.
So they take a piece of it, then they open you up, and then they screw it in, and they create a new ligament with your own body.
And then your body accepts it immediately because it's yours, but you have a screw in the bones of your upper and lower leg.
And you have this ligament that's a part of your patella.
The whole thing is fucking inflamed and swollen.
It's pretty painful.
And they gave me one of those.
We couldn't figure out which one it was, Vicodin's or Percocet's.
But I took one and I felt so fucking dumb.
I just was like, just dumb.
Just dull.
My mind was shut.
I was like, I'd way rather deal with the pain.
And the pain was excruciating.
It was, I would get up.
The real pain was when I would lie there on the bed, like watching TV. And then when I would get up, when I put my foot on the ground, all the blood would rush to my knee.
And it was like laser beams and razor blades and sand and hot lava.
And just, ah!
The whole knee was on fire.
So that was like for a few days, but that was better than the Vicodin.
bert kreischer
Dude, we take Vicodin for sunburns.
Florida, if you've got a really bad sunburn, take us a Viking and sleep.
joe rogan
I would rather have the pain.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
I think you shut pain off.
brian redban
Why?
joe rogan
Because you can deal with it.
People fester on pain.
I mean, there's some excruciating pain, don't get me wrong.
I mean, all pain's not the same, but the pain of surgeries, like when I had my nose fixed, I had a deviated septum.
bert kreischer
That's well before I knew you, and I saw, didn't you do a video of you draining it?
joe rogan
Yeah.
What?
brian redban
Tom Segura was in it also.
joe rogan
Really?
Yeah, we did a video because I wanted people to know that it was no big deal.
Because I was terrified of doing it.
I waited a long time to do it.
My nose was broken when I was like five.
I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five and like my whole life growing up my nose was fucked.
Everything.
From sports, from martial arts.
It was fucked.
There was nothing in there but just...
It was just blocked up by scar tissue.
And so when they opened it up, they actually made it a little whiter.
I can tell the difference in pictures.
It looks whiter.
Because he opened it up and cut the turbinates.
These things inside, these lumps.
He cut it and he put these plastic splints in there and stretched it all out.
And then these sponges get stuffed into the holes beside the plastic splints.
And so the sponges stay in your nose for, I think it was like a week.
I don't remember how many days.
The sponges come out and then two weeks later they pull the plastic strips out.
And you just got this.
bert kreischer
Oh, is this you cleaning it?
joe rogan
This is me, like right after the surgery.
I had to clean it with a water pick.
I would use a water pick and blow it.
bert kreischer
Oh my god, look how skinny Tom Segura is!
brian redban
He looks like a baby.
unidentified
Baby bear.
joe rogan
Don't give him a long time, poor little Tommy.
He gained a couple of pounds.
So you use this water pick and you pump it up your nose and it cleans it out.
Oh shit!
unidentified
I think three weeks after my operation, I had to do this twice a day before I take a water pick with a special nostril attachment.
bert kreischer
That's like a neti pot, right?
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
For steroids.
joe rogan
I was blowing mad snot, son.
unidentified
The photos you sent us, picture messaging back in the day.
joe rogan
Yeah, I put them on Twitter.
Some of them were so big, the boogers were so big, it looks like I faked it.
It looks like I brought in some CGI boogers.
I showed one to Tom at the airport, and he started heaving.
He started...
He, like, immediately was hurling.
Yeah, that was...
But they gave me all kinds of shit.
He gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills.
And I remember after the operation, walking around my house going, I'm fine.
I don't need anything.
And my wife was like, do you want to take the prescription stuff?
And I was like, I'm not taking shit.
I'm fine.
What is everybody fucking complaining about?
It was nothing.
It was literally nothing.
It was like, oh no, it feels slightly uncomfortable in my nose.
But people tweak.
They start freaking.
I mean, they cut the turbinates, they stuffed it, they cut out all the scar tissue, the whole deal.
And I was like...
Nothing.
You know, it's just like a little achy.
Like, so what?
It wasn't anything serious, but a lot of people are like, any little slight uncomfort feeling, any slight discomfort, like, give me pills!
I need my pills!
It's just like a door that just opens up and gives you a free ride.
Just a free ride to start doing pills.
You know, a free ride.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Come on, you got a free ride.
You're injured.
You need medication, Mr. Kreischer.
I need medication!
The next thing you know, you're lying in bed with your feet propped up, and you're in fucking Xanax land.
bert kreischer
Listen to the dead.
joe rogan
Why do you like the dead?
Explain that to me.
bert kreischer
I like the dead when I fly lately.
I've been listening to the dead.
Just nice.
You don't have to worry about it.
It reminds me of college.
It reminds me of a time when I literally lived in a microcosm of just having a great time.
When you could tap out, get off the grid.
Like, I was like...
Like, it's the reason I... Get off the grid?
Yeah.
joe rogan
What do you mean?
bert kreischer
Like, you can't, like...
You can't really tap out as easy as I could back then.
Because all I had was one phone and it was in my house.
joe rogan
Oh, I see what you're saying.
bert kreischer
And so, like, you could literally get a bag of weed and some Frisbees and just be gone from the world.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And you were in the moment.
I was really in the moment back then because you were like talking to your people.
No one was going into their pocket looking at their hands.
joe rogan
I was talking to this lady today while I was dropping my daughter off at school.
And she goes, wouldn't you love to be their age again?
She was an older lady.
And I said, I don't know.
I said, I think the world's way more complicated now for them than it was for us.
And she goes, oh, you got that right.
And so I leave.
I say goodbye to the little one.
I get in the car and I start driving off.
And as I'm driving, that's all I could think about.
All I could think about is how crazy it would be to be a baby today.
To be a baby today and, you know, you're going to have to grow up.
By the time you're in high school, there's going to be mind-to-mind communication.
You know, you're going to know, everyone's going to know everything about everybody.
You're going to have some of the weirdest technology that's just, it's just on computers and drawing boards right now, but it's going to all exist.
bert kreischer
It's going to be insane.
joe rogan
Yeah, within 18 years.
You know how crazy the world's going to be in 18 years?
And these kids are growing up and experiencing it.
brian redban
I would want to be 10 years less, not all the way.
bert kreischer
I don't want, here's what, I'll be honest with you, I think Twitter and like email, I think it's the cause of depression with a lot of people.
I look at Facebook and how much people share on there.
Like, I was...
I'm not going to say anyone's name, but I was following this girl who was talking about the breakup of her marriage and the fact that her husband was kind of having a hard time with it and that he was maybe, like, acting inappropriate or he came by and he asked to get some of his stuff.
And she was sharing all this on Facebook with all these people.
And all these people know her and her husband.
But, I mean, if you look, I mean, all people do is talk about...
Tragedy on Facebook.
It's like they're sharing.
It's this want to be famous.
It's this want that everyone has to make their lives public.
joe rogan
But it's not everybody, man.
bert kreischer
It's not everybody.
joe rogan
It's only dummies.
There's a lot of people that aren't doing that.
When I see people fighting on Twitter, like relationship fights on Twitter, I stop talking to both of them.
Yeah.
I'm not talking to either one of you dummies.
What are you doing?
You're talking shit about each other on Twitter?
What are you, trying to hurt each other's fee wings?
Why are you fucking 12?
You're a man in your 30s and you're fucking tweeting negative shit about your ex.
Letting the world know how she would come home at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Shut the fuck up.
bert kreischer
You're so fucking right about that.
joe rogan
Just shut up, you weak bitch.
You're the problem.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
You look at people getting in fights on Twitter, and you're like, really?
It's disgusting.
Dude, trolls, trolls, I would never, I've never engaged, I've never responded, I never replied, I don't fuck around like that.
I just, if you say something negative to me, I don't block you.
I just, I've put it in my memory bank.
joe rogan
You know what's fucked up, man?
One of the things that people were talking about when they were talking about this kid in Santa Barbara that went on this fucking killing spree was him being rejected.
And this guy on this message board that I go to was talking about how he knew this kid in high school that was like that.
And he knew them all growing up.
And he was just not a good looking guy.
And he started out pretty normal.
People were mean to him and all this rejection, like all throughout his life.
It was just constant state of rejection, rejection, fucking people pranking him.
He just was an ugly dude.
And then he was talking about how by the time he got to high school, the kids started getting dark.
And one of the girls in their high school, an attractive girl, died in a car accident.
And he was laughing.
And he was mocking her.
And they were like, holy shit.
And that's when they realized, like, wow, this guy's become a monster.
Like, he's mocking that this girl died.
It was pretty fascinating because here's the deal with a guy like this guy who's a Santa Barbara killer.
Like, he was a handsome kid.
Like, if you look at him, he's not an ugly kid by any stretch of the imagination.
bert kreischer
Was he small?
joe rogan
Whatever he was.
I mean, he's maybe...
Look, Tony Hinchcliffe is small.
bert kreischer
No, but Tony's not...
joe rogan
And Tony's got a great personality and he's hilarious, you know what I mean?
And people love him.
It's like, you could be a tiny little person and girls will still like you.
This guy, there was something obviously like really, really wrong with him mentally.
But it got me thinking about like a person's looks.
Like, that's a motherfucker, man.
Like, if you're born fucked up, like, if you have something deformed, or if you just have a weird skull, your fucking face looks weird, like, your whole life, people are gonna like...
The normal reaction that people have to you is like...
It's like it takes them a while to come up with the warmth.
But the immediate reaction...
Nothing can be done about that.
That is a genetic motherfucker.
You know, you talk about like a lottery.
If you're a woman and you're six foot three, you know, and you weigh 300 pounds, your fucking head's enormous.
Shit.
You know?
There's women out there that are like, and they're just like...
Everywhere they go, by no fault of their own, they just got this wacky genetic fucking roll of the dice.
bert kreischer
Cleft palates.
Cleft palates.
joe rogan
Thalidomide babies.
bert kreischer
There's an organization called Operation Smile that I've donated to in the past, but I would do anything for because exactly what you're saying is what they fix.
For like a hundred bucks, you fix a cleft palate on a child.
A child.
No one deserves to go through life looking like a monster.
And if you have a cleft palate, it's pretty aggressive.
And I look at that Operation Smile.
Dude, that's a fucking great place to send money.
If you're going to send fucking money, you can fucking change a person's life forever by gifting them this surgery.
joe rogan
I think we're just starting to realize as a race, the human race is, over the last X amount of hundred or thousand years, we're just starting to realize that we have to kind of take care of each other better.
It's just, it's like, it's all there.
We're constantly dealing with competition as well, though.
And when the competition comes up, that's when people get this fuck-em attitude.
Like, this guy who was angry at all these women, you know, this one that my friend online had talked about.
When you think about that guy, that's almost like a guy who was in competition and kept losing over and over and over again and hated the competition.
In a lot of ways, it's very similar.
They hated the other side.
He hated those.
Human beings have got to figure out a way to stop that.
Once we figure out a way to work together and stop competing about shit like that, But the problem is, there's always going to be people that have just massive unfair advantages.
And that's one of the things that this kid was talking about, like when he described men as brutes.
He said, girls just wanted to have sex with big muscle-bound brutes, you know?
Like, in his mind, it's like he could never be a brute.
He just was always shut out of that.
If a girl wanted that, he's like, damn it.
Like, it didn't make any sense.
Didn't make any sense.
You add that to the fact that he was a fucking psycho, and then boom.
Whereas most people that are, you know, unfortunately built, or unfortunate looking, or have unfortunate genetics, or whatever it is, they just deal.
They just have to deal.
And so...
The difference between a guy like Ryan Reynolds, who walks through this world like on a fucking magic carpet of gold.
You know, he's a beautiful man.
Everywhere you see him, you want to smile.
Babies will smile at him.
You know, fill in the blank.
Figure out your guy.
Me?
Nah, you're a good looking guy.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but regular looking human being.
I mean, that's why I believe it formed my personality.
Whatever soft shoe I know how to do to get people to like me was because I didn't have the fucking The jawline that maybe one of my buddies had.
I have a buddy, I wrote about him in a book, my buddy Jeff Hartley.
He's like one of the fucking best looking guys.
Confident, big fucking hands.
Everything about him is just bigger.
And he knows, and I guess at an age you realize world's cruising easy for you, and you learn how to just be, like you learn how to fucking fill the shoes and just, and he's, I never had that, so I had to learn how to talk to chicks, like, not spit game, but be like, you know, be funny.
And I think it formed my personality.
joe rogan
Yeah, without a doubt.
Most funny dudes are funny because they had to make chicks laugh.
That's why good looking guys are not usually very funny.
bert kreischer
Hartley's funny, but he's funny to a bunch of dudes in a dude way.
joe rogan
Sometimes.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
A lot of times, and not even that.
You know, it's like hot chicks.
There's not a lot of hot chicks that are really good at stand-up.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
They don't have to be.
I mean, how many hot chicks are really good?
Is there like 20 of them?
bert kreischer
Schumer.
joe rogan
Yeah, Schumer.
There's a few other ones, you know?
There's a few other ones.
bert kreischer
I always find when a chick's funny, I want to fuck her.
joe rogan
Whoa, easy bird.
bert kreischer
What are you trying to say about Amy?
No, I mean, I used to tell Amy that I know I could have sex with her if I wanted to.
And Amy would always be like, you're fucking out of your mind.
joe rogan
Yeah, that seems like a rude thing to say.
bert kreischer
No, I told her, we were doing this show, Reality Bites Back.
I was like, I could totally have sex with you.
And she was like, no, you couldn't.
And I was like, no, I know who I can.
And you're in my soft spot.
And she was like, no, you really can't.
And I go, Amy, trust me, I can get you.
joe rogan
Now, did she find this amusing?
bert kreischer
She found it amusing.
I've known Amy for a very long time.
joe rogan
Okay, so you waited a couple of weeks.
bert kreischer
And she knew my wife, by the way!
So, like, yeah, Amy used to stay at our house when we'd go on vacation.
Amy would use our house and come out to LA and do, like, meetings and stuff.
joe rogan
Oh, that's cool.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
unidentified
Oh, how nice of you.
bert kreischer
She's good friends with my sisters.
joe rogan
No shit.
bert kreischer
Yeah, and so when I was on the road, if I was ever on the road, and we were together, she'd be like, I was in Portland one time, she called, she's like, we're fucking partying tonight.
I've been on a tour, we're partying, and my wife's totally like, four in the morning, I'm in a hotel room with Schumer, and a bunch of people we don't know, and my wife's like, and I have to tell my wife, and she's like, oh, cool, tell Amy I said hi, tell her to keep her head on her shoulders, this fucking big whirlwind, because Amy kind of blew up all at once real quickly, you know.
And my wife knew her before that.
joe rogan
So, your point is...
bert kreischer
I have no fucking idea, Joe.
Sometimes I talk to you and I find myself just, like, I can't stop speaking.
joe rogan
Well, you're kind of a...
I am.
Mr. Bergkreisher.
That's what you do.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Nothing wrong with it.
bert kreischer
No, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
It's just your style of communicating.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
I talk a lot and quickly.
joe rogan
Well, then also, like...
When you talk a lot and quickly, like, anybody that's entertaining like that, like, every now and then you're gonna run into, like, a sentence that doesn't have an end.
You're like, and, uh, so, yeah, Amy's my friend.
You know, like, people end it that way.
Like, uh, so, uh, yeah, Florida.
It's hot down there.
bert kreischer
I wish I had those smoke bombs that could just drop in front of me and just, and then just walk away.
joe rogan
Yeah, people who tell bad stories do that way too much.
If it's just occasionally, but in the art of storytelling, when you have to go, yeah, well, so that's Detroit for you.
Unless it's really funny, that's really something you should shy away from if you want people to pay attention to your fucking stories.
bert kreischer
I think the lesson here is...
joe rogan
Some people are brutal, man.
Some people would just give you fucking ear beatings and never realize that.
There was a dude the other day in the green room.
I step in and we're talking, me and this other guy were talking for like two minutes.
And going back and forth.
And someone brings up some subject that this dude had some personal experience about.
And then it becomes his show.
And so for the next five minutes, he's telling this fucking long, drawn-out story.
And I can't take it anymore.
Brian was there.
I can't take it anymore, so I had to leave the room.
I just got up and left.
bert kreischer
In the middle of the story?
brian redban
Yes!
I just see Joe slowly moving over to the lab.
joe rogan
I'm not going to do this.
You're not going to beat me down.
And there was no point to it.
Zero, none, and I knew it.
I knew it from halfway into it.
There was all these details, and it was just like, oh, it was a fucking crime.
It was a crime against humanity.
I just got out of there.
I was like, I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to listen.
You can't make me listen to this.
By the way, it's my green room.
I'm the one who's performing here.
He wasn't even performing there.
He just stepped in and just fucking beat me down.
bert kreischer
Was he a comic?
joe rogan
Whatever, whatever.
bert kreischer
But what's crazy is that he thought, like, someone in that moment thinks that's their moment to shine.
joe rogan
You know what?
It's not even that, dude.
This is a problem with comedians.
Some comedians, they don't really have conversations with you.
They just talk.
And sometimes they don't absorb what the other person's saying.
You might tell your story about how you didn't know that you're a girl.
Had cerebral palsy because you were so drunk.
You might tell that story.
And they're just waiting to tell a better story about a better drunk girl or a better situation where they fucked up.
They're just waiting.
You know, they're like almost, are you done, Bert?
Are you done, Bert?
Are you done, Bert?
They're not like, they don't have any questions for you.
You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You didn't know she was drunk?
There's none of that.
There's none of that.
It's like, let me talk!
Let me talk!
And those guys are goddamn exhausting.
bert kreischer
They're waiting for the moment where they hear the bell like, ding!
Your turn.
joe rogan
That was this guy, right?
brian redban
Yeah, it just needed to be edited.
Like, his whole story was like, it was just like, I just wanted to go, you need to edit it, you need to throw in a little bit more interesting peeks into it.
joe rogan
Well, not only that, he just totally took over our conversation.
brian redban
And there was like seven people in the room.
There were so many people in the room where they're like, all of us had to just, like, we had no other choice.
We were supposed to stare at this person talking.
joe rogan
And it wasn't a good story.
It was brutal.
brian redban
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's why you have to limit your engagements.
You have to limit the type of people that you communicate with, Mr. Kreischer.
Every now and then, you're going to find someone who's a fucking white belt in ear beatings.
And they just stumble through it.
They pull hamstrings.
They just kind of can't.
You can't.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but you're the kind of person that just goes, yeah, you don't allow people to take liberties with you.
If someone's like, hey, Joe, can I take a picture with you?
I want to grab your face.
You'd be like, no, it's not going to fucking happen.
I definitely am like, alright, grab my face.
joe rogan
Why do you let them grab your face?
bert kreischer
Not everyone come out to Philly this weekend and be like, let me grab your fucking face.
joe rogan
It's gonna happen.
bert kreischer
No one say that.
joe rogan
It's gonna happen, for sure.
Dudes are writing that down now.
They're opening up the Notes app on their phone.
bert kreischer
I always get, hey, can you take your shirt off?
Can I get a picture with your shirt off?
Are you getting a beer, Brian?
What is that?
joe rogan
What are you doing?
bert kreischer
He's grabbing my fucking face.
joe rogan
Are you taking a picture in the middle of the podcast, you fuck?
Jesus Christ.
bert kreischer
Um...
joe rogan
20 minutes late and stops in the middle of a podcast to take pictures.
bert kreischer
Gotta love him.
Gotta fucking love him.
Fuck.
Yeah, I don't know where to draw lines.
joe rogan
Well, you do.
You're just a nice guy, and you let people grab your face.
I had a dude ask if he could pick me up once.
bert kreischer
Did you let him?
joe rogan
No.
No, you're not picking me up, man.
Why'd you do that, Brian?
He has to drive.
bert kreischer
No, I don't.
I took a car service.
I've never driven to one of your podcasts in my life.
joe rogan
Good move.
Good move.
bert kreischer
Fucking learned very young.
joe rogan
Do you have a can opener on that thing?
bert kreischer
This badass fucking knife.
joe rogan
Do you open up with a knife?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
That's how you open up bottles?
bert kreischer
I'm obsessed with knives these days.
joe rogan
Uh-oh.
That's not good.
Why are you obsessed with knives?
bert kreischer
I love them.
I just think they're cool as shit.
joe rogan
You love knives?
Are you 12?
How old are you?
bert kreischer
No, but I feel like I'm a grown-up.
When you started getting into bow hunting, I was like, man, there's a lot of shit I can afford to do that I've never thought about doing.
When I was a kid, I was talking to Mike Merrifield about it.
I told him my thought.
I was like, there's a lot of shit.
I want a motorcycle.
joe rogan
Do you want those beers?
bert kreischer
And he goes...
joe rogan
You want a motorcycle?
bert kreischer
Ah, dude.
I fucking love motorcycles.
joe rogan
You're a reckless motherfucker.
bert kreischer
You know you'd want a motorcycle, too.
A little bit.
joe rogan
Oh, I definitely would.
That whole, like, crashing and losing your legs part is not attractive to me.
bert kreischer
Going to...
brian redban
What?
Jamie wants to get one of those little moped ones.
That's even worse, man!
bert kreischer
Even worse than that are the bikes that have motors on them.
The bicycles that have motors on them.
I was like, yeah, there's a bunch of shit I've wanted to do.
And, like, I can afford to buy a cool knife every now and then.
So, like, when I'm on the road, like in Brazil or somewhere, I'll see a knife and I'll go, you know what?
That'll remind me of my trip.
And so I buy knives.
joe rogan
So you're a knife collector.
bert kreischer
A little bit.
joe rogan
Do you have them, like, locked up?
bert kreischer
No, but I have them all over the house to protect me.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus Christ.
bert kreischer
Does anyone ever break into my house?
I have a machete next to my man cave.
joe rogan
Oh, what the fuck, Bert?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Are you going to machete people?
bert kreischer
I don't have a gun.
joe rogan
What if you machete the wrong guy?
It's like, surprise!
And you're already on your way down with this...
bert kreischer
If you're in my man cave and I'm pulling out the machete, it's too late.
joe rogan
It's too late.
bert kreischer
It's too late.
joe rogan
Do you have a protocol, like when the machete will come out?
bert kreischer
It's a rubber pit.
joe rogan
What if it's just a kid who's got a crack problem and he's breaking in and trying to steal a stereo?
Are you going to machete him?
bert kreischer
Yep, he gets machetied.
You gotta machete him.
joe rogan
What if he's not big?
What if you could smack him around?
He was a little tiny guy.
A little Tony Hinchcliffe looking guy.
Trying to steal your stereo.
bert kreischer
That fucking...
joe rogan
Just hold him down and call the cops.
bert kreischer
Tony Hinchcliffe could...
joe rogan
Don't machete him.
bert kreischer
Tony Hinchcliffe's kind of...
He's that scrawny that scares me.
The scrappy kids.
joe rogan
Probably got good stamina.
Yeah.
Probably if you start heaving and hoving.
You're in the middle of a prolonged battle and you start fading.
He would turn up the heat on you?
bert kreischer
Yeah, and all of a sudden he was going faster than I ever saw him go.
joe rogan
Beat you over the head with one of those things that you shake up and you see the snow in it?
Those little paperweights?
bert kreischer
That's why he's going to get machete.
And we have those all over my fucking house, too!
joe rogan
No, you don't.
bert kreischer
We have snow globes everywhere.
joe rogan
Are they from all these different places you visit?
bert kreischer
Yeah, I buy snow globes for the girls.
joe rogan
Oh, that's so ridiculous.
Snow globes and blades.
That's what you're buying all over the world.
Fucking FBI's got a file on you about that thick.
Traveling all over the world.
They said they were going to release some...
Glenn Greenwald said they were going to release some new shit this week.
And it's going to be a list of all the people that the NSA was spying on.
All the Americans.
unidentified
Yes.
joe rogan
They have a full list of everyone.
bert kreischer
I want to be on that so fucking bad.
joe rogan
Imagine if you were on it.
brian redban
We're all on it.
bert kreischer
Dude, we are so close.
We're so close to everything being tape-recorded.
joe rogan
We are.
No, no, no, no.
We're being tape-recorded.
bert kreischer
And I've been training on podcasts.
When people, like...
When people start recording each other, private citizens start recording each other, and not just the owner of the Clippers, that's when it's going to go fuck.
Just so you can get that guy fired.
Talking shit about your boss, and once that goes, that's the fucking...
Then everyone's going to know...
Like, I talked to a kid after one of my shows in Irvine the other day, and he was like...
And he was asking me something, and I was uncomfortable with what he was asking.
And he's like, hey man, I'm not tape recording you.
And I was like, even the fact that he thought about it made me go...
Fuck!
joe rogan
Was he trying to blow you?
What the fuck was he saying?
bert kreischer
No, he was like, he just wanted to talk about something and I didn't want to talk about it.
joe rogan
Oh, weird.
bert kreischer
And he was like, tell me, and I was like, I'm good.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
He's like, I'm not tape recording you, but the fact that he said that, I was like, oh shit.
joe rogan
People are fucking strange, man.
They're so strange.
You'll meet people after shows and they just start hitting you with like a barrage of questions and you're like, what are you doing?
Are you interviewing me?
Is this like for your own, like, did you save all these questions up and you're ready to throw them at me?
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
People are tape recording everything.
At this point, assume you're being tape recorded.
Assume every phone call you make, every voicemail message you leave, every text message you leave.
Assume all that shit is being recorded.
bert kreischer
Assume.
Don't live your life like you're being tape recorded.
Live your life like a good fucking person.
unidentified
Can you imagine if it turns out that the government is spying on comedians?
bert kreischer
I would fucking love that.
brian redban
I just read something the other day where they admit that they are recording people that have a large group of people.
Their voice is heard from a large group of people.
I'm trying to find the article right now.
unidentified
Oh, sure.
brian redban
People that are very...
joe rogan
Public figures.
brian redban
Figures, yeah.
joe rogan
Did you see the thing that they...
I don't know.
It was on naturalnews.com, so you never know.
That site seems a little on the sketch.
Not quite sure.
But the article was saying that they had fake vaccinations in the Middle East.
They gave people fake vaccinations so they could collect DNA. Seriously?
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Fucking genius.
joe rogan
It's fucking creepy.
You're getting away with something in another country that you could never get away with in America.
That, in a way, is kind of dehumanizing.
Because Let's imagine if they were doing that in the United States in the ghetto.
Like, let's imagine they went to Compton or Watts, and they were doing this, and they were getting these people that believed they were being vaccinated, but really they were just withdrawing DNA. Could you imagine the outrage?
It would be insane.
It would be insane.
People would go crazy.
Why?
Well, because we're Americans.
And we believe that we have a certain amount of rights and our government doesn't deserve to be extracting our DNA and lying to us.
Like, what are you?
Are you a dictator?
Are you the overlord?
Or are you a representative government?
Because this doesn't seem like a representative government if you're fucking giving poor people faith.
But it's okay if it's in another country.
See, if it's in another country, somehow they can justify it.
Like, well, they're not even Americans.
They're humans.
They're human beings.
You're giving them fake vaccinations so you could...
If that is true, and again, I don't know if it is, but if it is, it's a...
It's a practice that's as old as time.
People have found a way to demonize the others, whether it's the people that they're at war with, whether it's, you know, you look back at the horrific things that the Nazis did to the Jews, look at the horrific things that the Mongols did to all these different places where they conquered.
Look at throughout human history, every time a group has been able to identify another group as the enemy, they've been able to justify horrific things.
And that's what happened with this fucking evil kid, this evil kid in Santa Barbara.
And that's what's happening right now with these idiots, these male rights idiots that are battling it out with feminists online, going back and forth.
These people that are actually saying that this guy, if girls fucked this guy, he wouldn't have gone on this killing spree.
bert kreischer
It's fucking crazy.
joe rogan
You can only say that if you're dealing with an us and them.
You can only say that if it's the enemy, you know?
It's...
A weird thing that people do, man.
This enemy thing.
They'll do it with fucking the Phillies.
They'll do it with teams.
In Philadelphia, Joey Diaz was telling me a story about this guy that was there, and it was a football game, and he was, I don't know what team this guy was wearing a jersey of, but he got in a fight with these guys.
They stomped his leg.
They broke his leg in a stairwell.
They threw him down and stomped his leg.
The guy snapped his femur.
bert kreischer
They did that in Dodger Stadium to a guy that was a fan of the Raider.
Yeah, beat him up bad.
That scares me to not want to go to events.
joe rogan
Oh, for sure.
unidentified
Like someone was telling me they took- He was in a coma for like weeks and weeks, right?
bert kreischer
And you just went to a fucking game with your kid.
joe rogan
Yeah, you just were rooting for the wrong team or you ran into the wrong group of drunk assholes.
And see, that's where the women have a real good point.
Because that's not happening to men if you're running into women.
You're not running into drunk women coming down an alleyway and they're breaking your leg and beating the fuck out of you.
It's drunk men.
It's men.
And women have to worry about it even more than men have to worry about it.
You know?
bert kreischer
I didn't know anything about all the women.
What is it?
All the women?
You're the one that...
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I just started reading about it today.
joe rogan
All the women.
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And I never knew the point of view.
You know, what happens with these things that they become so polarizing, you think both the people are fucking totally crazy.
And you lose the maybe subtle point that should be represented in that.
All the women.
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And what I realized that you kind of pointed out that I think is pretty brilliant.
I never really seen it like, hey, not all men rape.
But all women can get raped.
joe rogan
Yeah, most of them.
Ronda Rousey would be tough as shit to rape her.
That bitch would kill you.
And right when you think you're raping, you're just getting triangled, son.
Oh, shit.
I thought I was raping.
unidentified
I thought I was raping.
bert kreischer
This isn't going the way I planned.
joe rogan
Yeah.
She just tells you to lick her pussy.
And right when you go in for the kill, she slaps that triangle on you.
bert kreischer
Halfway through, you're like, do you work out?
joe rogan
And the lights go out in Georgia.
You start seeing it close in.
Oh, no.
That's what it's like when you're getting choked out.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I know.
joe rogan
It's like an elevator door.
bert kreischer
I've been choked out.
joe rogan
Have you?
Who choked you out?
bert kreischer
Fucking Henzo Gracie.
joe rogan
Oh, that's right.
bert kreischer
Was it Henzo?
joe rogan
What was it?
Is that what it's called?
Kill Bert?
bert kreischer
Hurt Bert.
joe rogan
Hurt Bert.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
What a ridiculous...
No wonder why your back's all fucked up, man.
You let people throw you around.
bert kreischer
I've been a stuntman.
I've been a practicing stuntman.
joe rogan
That's like being a stuntman.
You feel that?
Was it Henzo that choked you out or Horian?
Horian.
Oh, the older...
The guy who founded it all.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
He founded the UFC. Horian was the...
He's the father of Henner and Huron.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I fought those guys too.
I fought all of them.
joe rogan
They would all beat the shit out of you?
bert kreischer
Yeah, they just gave me a knife.
They're like, try to strap a Brazilian.
joe rogan
Oh, God.
bert kreischer
Which, by the way, after going to Brazil, holy shit, man.
Brazilians are like the fucking sturdiest stock of human in the world.
joe rogan
It's a hard life over there for a lot of folks.
It's also very active.
bert kreischer
Very active.
joe rogan
They're always on the beach.
We were watching at our hotel room.
These fucking surfers were incredible, man.
Me and Ari were there.
Ari came down to watch the fights down there with me once.
And we were standing there on my balcony watching these kids surf.
We were also...
It was like, you know, your time's all fucked up.
It's like several hours in the future.
Like, what is it?
bert kreischer
Like three or four hours?
I think it's ahead of New York.
joe rogan
Yeah.
I don't remember.
bert kreischer
It's like six hours.
joe rogan
Whatever it was, I was all whacked out.
So it was like five o'clock in the morning, we're still up.
And the sun was coming up, like five, six, whatever it was.
And all of a sudden these people started showing up at the beach.
Like, kids and adults and flip-flops and everybody was hanging out.
And I'm like, wow, these people are active.
Bikes start running by, 6 a.m., joggers and shit.
I was like, these are, like, really active people.
And then all of a sudden a soccer game broke out.
So it was like 7 o'clock in the morning.
We're drinking coffee and watching people play soccer on the beach.
Like, this is interesting.
I'm like, they're so much more active than the average Americans.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know?
People here get fucking super sedentary, man.
bert kreischer
I am.
joe rogan
It's super common.
It's like, More common than not, right?
bert kreischer
I think my whole thing now is like, I have my weight set up in my backyard.
So I go, if I'm fucking, if I get in like a little weird funk, I go, fuck it, lift weights.
Because I know for a fact that like lifting weights to the point where your tits are on fire, that releases some serotonin in your body.
joe rogan
You should be a doctor and that should be a meme.
Lifting weights until your tits were on fire.
I know that releases some serotonin in your body.
Burt Kreischer and you holding your tits in the picture.
That'd be a great meme.
bert kreischer
Memes, not meme.
GIFs.
Animated GIFs?
joe rogan
GIF files, yeah.
bert kreischer
That's a great way to fucking cover sports on the internet.
You posted something about the fight last week?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, you know what it was?
It wasn't that I posted something.
I'll tell you exactly what it was.
There was a thing on Fightland Where someone broke down Hennenborough, a guy named Jack Slack.
It's how T.J. Dillashaw killed the king.
And it's on Fightland.
It's one of the Vice channels.
And Vice, this guy, did a great job of breaking down the technical aspects of Hennenborough's style and how T.J. Dillashaw was able to exploit it.
And in doing so, he used these animated GIFs as...
Examples of different specific moments in the fight where things changed and what TJ did well and what Hennenborough did wrong.
He's really good at breaking things down.
But that's also, they're in cahoots with the UFC. That's why they're allowed to use those animated GIF files.
bert kreischer
But it's a great way to cover.
joe rogan
That's great.
Fantastic.
And I'm glad they can.
But other people and other sites, like if you try to put up animated GIF files, they'll get pissed at you.
Really?
Yeah.
They don't want animated GIF files.
bert kreischer
Did you follow this Floyd Mayweather-TI fight?
joe rogan
I saw some shit online, like somebody, you know, Floyd Mayweather was saying, you gotta control your bitch.
You gotta control your bitch.
You know, if you want to get in a fight with Floyd Mayweather and you're a rapper, good luck with all that.
What's all this chair throwing?
Let's all stop the nonsense and realize that you're not going to get into a fucking fight with one of the greatest boxers that's ever walked the face of the world.
Can we just agree on that?
You're just bullshitting?
Okay, because if there's no one here but you and him and you're both in a room with no objects, just your bodies.
bert kreischer
Let's start over.
They're both fucking millionaires and they're at Whataburger?
Like I don't get that.
joe rogan
Get hungry.
People get hungry.
bert kreischer
But you're so high profile and you're Floyd Mayweather.
What do you think?
joe rogan
He likes burgers.
He eats burgers all the time.
That's like part of his thing.
Like he would always be like driving around his Bentley and he'd be eating like a Jack in the Box.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
T.I. I can take on Floyd Mayweather just signed.
Did he really say that?
bert kreischer
Yeah, he posted a video.
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
They posted a video of him like working out or something?
bert kreischer
No, it's about his...
joe rogan
Don't play it.
bert kreischer
He's supposed to have black eyes.
joe rogan
Silly.
bert kreischer
They said he had black eyes and he's saying he didn't.
All that happened is he hurt his hand and he had his hand wrapped.
But I think the threat is that TI's posse is going to shoot Floyd Mayweather.
Not that they're going to fist fight.
Floyd Mayweather said to him in this interaction was, I think maybe you forgot what I did for a living.
I fight.
And T.I. said, I fight, but in the streets.
I fight for real.
And so I think that was a veiled thread of, yeah, I fight too, but we do it and we kill you.
joe rogan
Are we really analyzing the T.I. Floyd Mayweather discussion?
Who got the most out of their verbal exchange?
Floyd made a very good point that T.I. forgot what he does for a living, but what Floyd forgot is T.I. keeps it real.
bert kreischer
Fucking in the trap.
joe rogan
He's from the streets.
bert kreischer
He is.
joe rogan
And he's still connected to those streets.
bert kreischer
I'm most impressed with Tiny.
joe rogan
Who's Tiny?
bert kreischer
Tiny is a guy's wife.
She's not even really that hot, but they're fucking fighting over.
Two fucking millionaires.
joe rogan
Why are you impressed?
They're idiots.
The whole thing's retarded.
The whole thing's so stupid.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but she's not that hot.
joe rogan
Whatever, that's not what it is.
It's an ego thing.
It's ridiculous.
bert kreischer
Yeah?
joe rogan
Yeah, the whole thing's ridiculous.
Yeah.
How dare you talk about it for so long?
I'm disgusted.
I'm disgusted by the whole scenario.
bert kreischer
I'm done.
joe rogan
Thank you.
brian redban
Joe, who's the Koch brothers?
What is their...
unidentified
Koch.
brian redban
Koch brothers.
We talked about them before, but...
joe rogan
Super rich dudes that you don't want to talk about on a podcast, or they will come fuck you.
How about that?
Next.
brian redban
They just fucked the Columbus Zoo up.
joe rogan
How did they fuck up the Columbus Zoo?
brian redban
You know, Stephen Colbert did a really quick blurb about it, and he explains it perfectly, but pretty much what they did is they...
They had this big ballot on the latest vote that said, hey, we need to make money or our zoo is going to close down.
So we're going to raise property tax by just a teeny, teeny bit.
And the Koch brothers were like, yeah, you're going to go up like 105% in your property taxes when in reality it was only going to be 20 bucks.
But all the voters voted against it, and now the zoo's like, we're fucked.
We don't know what to do.
joe rogan
So they lied about how much the property tax would go up?
brian redban
Yeah, and this is like one of the number one, number two zoos in the nation, and now they're fucked.
This is where Jack Hanna's from.
joe rogan
Zoos are weird, man, because I agree with them with certain animals, but...
There's most animals in the zoo.
I think zoos...
I think the only way you should really be able to have a zoo and be able to pretend that it's humane is do it the way they do it in Africa, but don't have people hunting there.
You know, in Africa, the reason why they have so many goddamn animals now is because they have these huge preserves, thousands and thousands of acres, and they have these animals run free, but they do it so they can profit off it.
They bring in hunters, and the hunters hunt these wild animals.
So they think they're on a wild animal hunt, and they kind of technically...
We're on a wild animal hunt, but really, it's a caged hunt.
I mean, they are hunting lions, but those lions aren't going anywhere.
It's a very sketchy area when it comes to people that believe in fair chase hunting, like the Africa thing is a fucker.
Because the other problem is they do preserve those populations this way.
Because other than that, no one else is trying to keep the eland alive.
No one is working hard to make sure that all these different versions of antelope are in healthy populations.
If it wasn't for these hunters, but...
It gets real weird when you start thinking about zoos.
Because, well, okay, what's a zoo?
Well, you only have a couple of them.
You have two giraffes or three giraffes.
You have a couple.
And everybody's separated from everybody.
And you're all in this weird, non-natural environment where nobody can move around.
I'm not opposed to a giant animal park where you could kind of drive through, but...
I think you've got to let nature take its course in that motherfucker.
You've got to have monkeys swinging through the trees above jaguars.
You've got to have giraffes that are running away from lions.
You've got to have the whole thing.
Because if you don't have the whole thing, what are you doing?
You're taking these animals and you're deciding that their reality, their nature itself, is not humane.
It's not right.
It's not right.
bert kreischer
Zoos seem very dated now that you say that.
It seems like a throwback to the 30s.
joe rogan
It's from when people didn't have DVDs.
They didn't have the animal planet.
They didn't have any of these things where they can go and watch a show on a species and watch a fascinating documentary.
The only way to see it would be to go see it in live.
You go to the zoo.
Daddy, look at the elephant.
bert kreischer
It's a lion.
You would never see a lion if you didn't see it in a zoo in the fucking...
In the 30s.
joe rogan
Absolutely.
brian redban
I think, though, a lot of people are getting SeaWorld shit mixed up with...
Zoos, though, and I think that's why everyone didn't know that SeaWorld kidnapped these.
They thought, oh, these were taken here because they were injured.
I just went to the San Diego Zoo, one of the best zoos in the nation, San Diego.
And they have this whole thing.
We did the tour this time, and they had this whole thing that you could tell it's almost them getting ready for their version of blackfish that's coming up.
Because they were already talking like, look, we hate animals in cages also.
But we are non-profit.
These animals right here, there's only two left in the world.
We thought this animal was extinct.
You know, 1960 was the last time we saw this one kind of pig or whatever it was.
And he's like, now there's 20 of them.
Because we take them here, we breed them, and then we put them back in the wild.
Now, I don't think they put them in Africa.
They probably put in some, you know...
Baby version of the worm and oaks.
joe rogan
If they do put it in Africa, they put them in these wildlife sanctuaries, these gigantic places where they let people hunt them.
They just don't let them hunt that pig.
That's what they do.
brian redban
But it was very eye-opening for this when I went to this one because they were showing us all the work they've done.
There was only two of these birds.
Now there's 200. And every animal on there says they're endangered.
What their level of endangerment.
Now there's monkeys, like some monkeys.
There's a billion of these monkeys, so they don't give a shit.
But most of those animals in there are only in there for a reason, because they're injured or whatever, and then they're getting put back in the wild.
And that's why these Koch brother things, where they're completely lying, all these animals are screwed.
This is one of the best zoos in the nation, that they've taken care of so many, the white lion, or I think it was, it was an endangered white lion that they had there.
joe rogan
It was like an albino lion or something?
brian redban
Yeah, back in the day.
Check this one clip out.
This is how fucked up this thing is with the Columbus Zoo.
unidentified
Americans for Prosperity.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
That's so funny.
And it's so true.
Yeah.
So why do they want that property?
What do they want to do with it?
brian redban
You know, I don't know anything about that.
I just found out about this the other day.
Because I was talking about how the zoo was such a great thing growing up.
joe rogan
So they're going to lose it totally.
brian redban
I don't know.
They have until November.
But they're also fucked until November.
I don't know, man.
Growing up, I went to summer camp at the zoo.
And Jack Hanna was our camp leader.
And we would spend the night at the zoo.
And...
It was just the best childhood memory ever.
Learning about animals, being at the zoo, you know, and it really sucks that zoos are getting kind of attached to this whole blackfish sea world bullshit because it's really...
One's making profit and one's trying to make profit off of stolen animals from the water and one's just trying to help animals.
bert kreischer
Wait, are zoos more non-profit organizations?
brian redban
Most of them are, yeah.
joe rogan
Well, the people that have an issue with zoos have an issue with the conditions.
They have an issue like there was a zoo that I was driving limos once and I was coming home from a gig that I had.
I had to drop somebody off in New Hampshire and I was driving down and There was a zoo, and just on a lark, I just said, well, let me see what this zoo looks like, and I went to this little tiny zoo, and there was a lion and a bear, and the lion, it was the saddest fucking thing ever.
This lion was just pacing back and forth in this tiny little enclosure.
And there was nowhere to go.
It was just pacing back and forth.
It was all concrete in this little pond form.
And I was like, this is the saddest shit I've ever seen.
This thing's just pacing.
bert kreischer
It can't go anywhere.
joe rogan
It doesn't get to kill anything.
It doesn't get to be a lion.
It doesn't get to be a lion.
Just pacing back and forth, back and forth.
And I just remember thinking, how is that better than it not being alive?
So we could look at it?
So it's better than not being...
No, that thing should be dead.
It's better off being dead than living like that.
That's crazy.
Or let the motherfucker go.
Bring it back to Africa.
If you really give a shit about lions, set up cameras.
Make people go there on safari.
Make people drive around, see the actual real thing.
Maybe you'll really get an appreciation for what it's like to live in Africa.
If you actually see them in their wild conditions.
You see like, but San Diego is huge.
The thing about that animal park that's really dope is that they have big enclosures.
Like the area where the giraffes are, holy shit.
I mean, it's fucking huge.
bert kreischer
Is this the safari place?
joe rogan
Yeah, you drive around.
brian redban
This was the zoo, yeah, but they also have the safari thing.
And another cool thing is they also do a lot of alternative methods to make the animals not go crazy.
Like, they hide the food.
They'll take the animals out.
They'll go around, hide meat in like trees and bushes and put it inside of things.
And then that the animals, just like their natural habitat, look and hunt for food.
So there's a lot of things that they do.
Like the elephants have these new things that they created called the hay pinatas.
And it's these huge pinatas with hay inside of them.
So the elephant has to work out and try to beat these things open.
joe rogan
Okay, so there's the zoo and then there's the wild animal park, which is two different things.
That's what it is?
Yeah.
I've only been to the wild animal park.
brian redban
The zoo is humongous.
If you think the wild animal park, the zoo is crazy big.
joe rogan
They're both real big.
bert kreischer
All I can think is the bad, the alternative way is to keep them unoccupied that you would come up with.
If you work there, you're like, hey guys, I filled one of our trainer outfits with meat.
We're going to give it to the lions.
See if you can...
joe rogan
They definitely should let animals go and let the animals kill them.
I mean, it's so ridiculous that they have to butcher the animal.
Like, come on, what are you doing?
Like, let a lion be a lion.
bert kreischer
That's the saddest.
It's just like the same as what we were talking about with kids in school.
Kids got a little bit of a fucking quirk, and all of a sudden they're like, no, no, no, it's not fitting in the form.
joe rogan
Well, how about this?
What if they gave you a pill that made the cum in your balls dry up, but it kept you horny?
You know, that wouldn't be acceptable.
It's like, well, look, we've checked his balls.
There's very little coming there.
But he's like, but the balls don't know it.
Well, that's what it's like to be a lion and get fed meat.
There's sliding meat under the door.
So every day you're eating, be like, I didn't kill shit today.
So you get this thing where everything that moves past you, you look at.
You roll a ball of yarn past a lion, they jump on it just like a cat does.
It's like they have that instinct.
Cats have an instinct to chase moving things.
So do lions.
It's part of why they're a lion.
It's like their whole reward system, their whole genetic reward system is geared up to fuck and to chase things and to dominate.
The whole deal.
All of it is supposed to be a part.
The male is supposed to protect the pack.
What are they?
Pride, rather.
The female is supposed to hunt things.
They have instincts to do these things.
And all those instincts are just completely shut off.
And then they're in this enclosure with nothing else but them.
And every now and then some food comes in.
Like, okay, here's our food.
What kind of fucking life is this?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's a life completely outside of the adventure of being a lion.
The adventure of being a lion is the adventure of being a predator.
That's the whole thing about being a lion.
That their whole existence is based on chasing down the weak.
They're like the cleaning system and like...
They're like making sure that the genetics of the wild stay strong.
They're like the genetics integrity experts.
Anybody that's weak, anybody that's limping, anybody that's slipping, anybody that gets cocky and goes near the waterhole without paying attention to the grass moving, you're fucksville!
And that's how nature has it set up to make sure there's not too many fucking antelopes.
They have a whole system!
But we come along and go, fuck your system.
We have a system too.
It's called the zoo.
And this is called a fence.
And this is a tray and on its meat.
Here you go, eat it.
We're going to stare at you.
You're going to stare at me?
Like staring at a lion is unheard of.
Imagine being a fucking lion and there's glass and all these little pink monkeys have the audacity to look you in the fucking eye and you're like, damn!
All day, everybody avoids your eye contact in the jungle.
bert kreischer
All day, you walk and walk around like a fucking hall monitor.
Everyone sees you and like, get the fuck away.
And then you just stand there.
joe rogan
Can you believe what that must be like for those poor fucking lions?
unidentified
Oh...
joe rogan
For a lion, if a lion is walking through the grass and something locks eyes with it, they're like, fuck!
That's the immediate reaction.
You see those eyes, those fucking weird orangey amber eyes attached to this giant fucking skull of death?
You just run.
Immediately run.
Get with the pack.
Hope they get the slow one behind you.
Fucking trip your friend.
Run!
That's a lion.
But meanwhile at the zoo, we're like, look, he's right there, mom.
Look, he's right there.
Knock, knock, knock.
Knock, knock, knock.
brian redban
Yeah.
bert kreischer
What they should do is take those old zoos that are kind of like haggard, and they should fill it with like celebrities.
Like celebrities like no, I'm not saying Tom Sizemore is a mess, but give him booze and alcohol and put him in a cage and let you stare at him and him just say whatever the fuck he wants.
Because he's getting paid a million dollars for one year to be in a cage.
joe rogan
That's not enough money.
brian redban
What was the New York Zoo?
You worked for the movie at the New York Zoo.
You did that movie?
joe rogan
No, it was in Massachusetts.
We actually did it in a zoo that is not operational right now.
It's kind of going under.
bert kreischer
Fill it with celebrities.
Fill it with fucking all...
joe rogan
Sweetie, that idea sucks.
bert kreischer
Well, it's better than my other idea, which was we just put cages in the wild and you can go in the wild and have those animals around you.
joe rogan
Yeah.
That's a better idea.
bert kreischer
I went swimming with sharks with my daughters a few weeks ago in Hawaii.
joe rogan
How was that?
bert kreischer
I love it.
I fucking love it.
joe rogan
So what do you do?
You go actually in scuba gear?
You go under the sharks?
bert kreischer
What do you do?
They take you out like three miles.
It's all eco-friendly.
They don't feed the sharks, but the sharks just come out because that's where...
They think they're fishermen dropping bait.
And so they go out, and you get in the cage, they pull the boat away, and you're just sitting in a cage, just the boat's like 30 yards away from you, 40 yards away from you, and the sharks, there's at least 20 fucking sharks, 30 sharks.
I've done this one place like five times.
joe rogan
What part of Hawaii is this?
bert kreischer
Oahu.
joe rogan
Oahu.
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
And it's fucking amazing.
joe rogan
So what is it like for your kids?
bert kreischer
They were scared at first, but what happened was I just told the guys who ran the boat, who I knew, because I'd done it for TV, I told them, I said, you just be in charge.
Don't let anyone say no.
Just be in charge.
This is how we do it.
Guys, everyone get your masks on.
Grab your mask.
Everyone get your mask.
Holly, you got your mask?
And so there's no point where they can get out of it by talking to me because I knew they wanted to do it, but I knew they were going to be scared.
And I would never let them do something they didn't feel safe doing.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But the guys did it, and the girls were just in rote.
They were like, okay.
He's like, all right, this foot right here, this foot right here.
Here we go, and then we're going to back into the cage.
There you go.
Holly, you're in first, Georgia.
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
I'm already in the cage, and I get them, and they're like holding on, and you can see they're scared, and I got a GoPro going.
I filmed all of it.
unidentified
Yes.
bert kreischer
I bet you could vote.
joe rogan
How old are they?
bert kreischer
Seven and nine.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
That's fascinating, man.
That's really cool.
bert kreischer
And they fucking loved it.
The first look, you can see she's scared.
Isla puts her face in the water, and then pops up, and I just caught it on the GoPro, and she's so excited, she throws her face right back in the water to look again.
And they were bobbling.
They had so much fucking fun.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
Well, if you feel safe and you can really see sharks out in the wild, it's got to be pretty wild to be a kid to see something like that.
bert kreischer
And you're in the cage.
For the first time in their lives, they're the one in the cage.
joe rogan
And the cages are pretty safe, right?
I mean, you have to be a giant-ass fucking great white to fuck that cage up.
Or is that just in the movies?
bert kreischer
No, you know what's so crazy?
We get out of the cage...
And a whale.
Two whales come by.
joe rogan
Oh shit.
bert kreischer
Big ass fucking whales.
Like maybe 20 feet off the boat.
I got this on video too.
unidentified
Wow.
bert kreischer
20 feet off the boat, swim around the back and dive right by the cage.
unidentified
Oh my god.
bert kreischer
And I threw my GoPro in.
One of the guys grabbed it.
She got the whales going down.
And it was surreal, but what's crazy as you think, if those whales decided they could just fucking jump up and land on the boat, the cage, and we're all dead as fuck.
joe rogan
Does that ever happen?
bert kreischer
Yeah!
It happened with the sailboat in Australia.
A whale just jumped up and landed on a sailboat.
joe rogan
No way.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
What are you showing, Brian?
brian redban
This is Bert's Triplip.
bert kreischer
Triplip, we do it.
That's the cage.
joe rogan
Same thing?
bert kreischer
We do it on Triplip.
We've done it twice, and I love it so much because it's one of those moments where you really have this surreal life experience where it's like going to church and getting it.
brian redban
Wow, I want to go do this.
bert kreischer
It's a lot of fucking fun.
joe rogan
Yeah, scuba diving seems like it'd be crazy too.
You've done that, right?
bert kreischer
Yeah, I've done scuba diving.
joe rogan
For Triplip?
bert kreischer
Yeah, but I'm not certified, but I've done it.
I do a day certification.
joe rogan
It's like entering into just the very...
Front patio of another world.
It's like you just open the front door, you stand, you look around, you kind of go in a couple of steps.
But it's a whole other world out there.
bert kreischer
There's a lot of things that I've done on that show that are mine.
Like riding motorcycles.
I would have never done that if it wasn't for that show.
joe rogan
But now.
unidentified
Dude, it is the fucking coolest thing in the world.
joe rogan
You're not worried about crashing?
bert kreischer
Of course I am.
But that's what makes it.
joe rogan
Maybe you could get like a big Harley type bike, drive slow, don't get crazy, and only drive in populated areas.
bert kreischer
That's what they say.
joe rogan
Wheels, a lot of traffic.
brian redban
I saw Mike Young leaving the comedy store last night in one of those crazy 4x4, the fake motorcycles.
unidentified
He had an ATV? Like DMX? Yeah, what's that one?
brian redban
What was he driving?
It almost looks like it has training wheels, but it's a motorcycle.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like a trike.
brian redban
A trike, yeah.
bert kreischer
I know what I was going to tell you.
joe rogan
What's he doing with that?
brian redban
I don't know.
It was weird seeing him on that.
unidentified
We...
bert kreischer
Growing up in Florida, we played bow and arrows all the time.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
I was meant to tell you this.
And so we're in Hawaii.
We went on a boar hunt in Hawaii where we chase it with the dogs and then stab it in the heart.
joe rogan
For trip flip?
bert kreischer
For trip flip, yeah.
joe rogan
Whoa, that's a crazy fucking trip.
bert kreischer
Aggressive.
joe rogan
Is that someone's idea?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
The guy's idea?
bert kreischer
No, it was our idea.
joe rogan
Oh, it was your idea for them?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Are you going to go murder an animal?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's murder an animal.
bert kreischer
You got to run it by them and be like, you're cool with this.
I'm never going to put someone in a situation.
And if they weren't cool with it, we just wouldn't have done it.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But look, I believe this.
If you're going to enjoy bacon, you better be cool with the harvest.
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
I believe that.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And so we get a thing full of pit bulls and we go...
Catch a pig, hold it down, my guy grabs a knife, stabs it in the heart, and then when they tie it up, they tie the feet and legs together, like the wrists and the ankles together.
And I wear it like a backpack carrying it out of the woods.
Fucking heavy ass pig.
But the best part is that I know I can fuck around with a bow and arrow pretty easily and be okay.
So we're with all these real fucking Hawaiian hunters and they got everything.
And they've got in their backyard this huge house.
They've got the hay bales with the target.
And I said, I bet anyone in the crew right now I can get close to a bullseye.
I can hit the target from like fucking, not 100 yards, but like 50 yards under the tent.
I said, I can do it from under the tent.
There's a big fucking tent out there.
joe rogan
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's a tent and you're going to shoot?
bert kreischer
From under the tent, out through the tent, into the fucking bullseye.
joe rogan
How are you going to do that?
bert kreischer
Just by shooting.
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
What kind of a bow are you talking about?
bert kreischer
A compound bow.
joe rogan
And it's going to go 50 yards.
bert kreischer
It's going to go...
I'm guessing.
I'm trying to ballpark right now.
I don't remember.
joe rogan
Are you looking through a site?
bert kreischer
Well, there is a site on the...
joe rogan
Does it have a peep site on the string?
And then another site that you're lining the site up with?
bert kreischer
It was the...
There was a site.
I don't know what site it was.
But in my head, I'm like, I can confidently do it without the site.
joe rogan
You can hit the bullseye from 50 yards.
bert kreischer
Not the bullseye, but I said I could hit the target.
joe rogan
It's really hard to do.
bert kreischer
Really hard to do, but I know I can do it.
So I'm like, I go, who's in?
And everyone's like, bullshit, bullshit.
I get from under the fucking tent.
I pull back.
I hold it.
And as soon as I pull the back, once you pull a compound bow back, it's easy to hold.
And so I hold it.
I start lining up the site.
Zing!
Lucky as fuck I hit the target.
Part of me was like, I don't know if I can do this.
But everyone on the crew was like, shut the fuck up!
So then everyone on the crew tried to do it.
They couldn't even pull the compound bow back.
There's a picture I posted on Instagram a while of my buddy Eric trying to pull the bow back, and he couldn't even get it all the way back.
joe rogan
How many pounds of pull was it?
bert kreischer
I don't know.
I don't know.
It was one of the guys.
It was a pretty heavy bow.
joe rogan
It was very difficult to hit a target that's 50 yards.
bert kreischer
50 yards may be longer than...
I may be exaggerating.
But I don't know.
joe rogan
It's just very difficult to know where the pin's going.
Like, if you would have to...
If you have a pin on a bow, there's two different types of pins.
There's a single pin and a single pin you rotate forward and backward with this sight.
So the sight has like a yardage on it.
So you have it set at 20 yards.
20 yards is like where maybe a shortest shot would be, like say if you're in a tree stand.
bert kreischer
It was longer than 20 yards.
joe rogan
Okay.
So then if it's longer, what you do is you put like a laser sight on it.
You lock on how far it is, the exact distance.
bert kreischer
I was drunk.
joe rogan
50 yards.
bert kreischer
I was drunk.
joe rogan
Then you dial it back.
But my point is that an arrow, when you shoot an arrow for like 50 yards, it's going to drop considerably.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Especially depending on how strong the bow is, how heavy the arrow is.
This is very hard.
bert kreischer
There may not have been 50 yards, but it was definitely far as shit.
joe rogan
Right.
unidentified
Okay.
joe rogan
So did you feel like you could do it again?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Wow.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Dude, you gotta come over to my house.
bert kreischer
We'll shoot two bows and arrows.
It's so funny that you did that.
joe rogan
We're gonna make a video of those.
bert kreischer
I told you, when we were kids, we used to do them with our feet.
Like, that was our big thing.
Because we went to a camp where it was all bow and arrow heavy.
joe rogan
Like a recurve bow?
Is that what it was?
Like a regular bow and arrow?
bert kreischer
We did.
joe rogan
Not like a compound, though, right?
bert kreischer
It wasn't a compound bow.
We did.
We went hunting in Italy with bows.
But the ones that you gotta hold the arrows, you gotta hold the bow sideways.
unidentified
Sideways.
bert kreischer
So, like, some bows, you can't just, like...
Damn it, man.
I wish I was smarter and I paid attention more.
joe rogan
Oh, I know what you're saying, because they don't have a rest.
bert kreischer
They don't have a rest, so you gotta hold it sideways and shoot the bow that way.
joe rogan
Like the way the Mongols used to do it.
bert kreischer
Right, and I never shot with one of those bows, but I was cocky then, too.
And I was like, oh, I got this.
Because I grew up with bows and arrows.
And I fucking pulled it back, and I fucking could not hit this goddamn deer.
I mean, I tried, like...
joe rogan
It's not an easy thing to do, man.
bert kreischer
Regular bows are hard as shit.
Compound bows are a little more user-friendly, in my opinion.
joe rogan
It's way easier.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's way easier.
That's why they say that if you really want to learn a bow and arrow, you should learn a traditional, like a recurve.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's because it becomes like...
You know like if you were shooting a three-pointer?
You throw it a few times and you kind of get a judge of how hard you have to throw it.
And then eventually, you get it.
You figure it out.
Well, that's the whole idea behind a recurve.
You've got to figure out how far that arrow is going to go, what's going to be the trajectory.
And if you shoot 100 hours a day over the course of years, you develop a real feel for it.
And some guys, like...
I bought my bow at this place in Los Alamitos, and the guy who owns it has been shooting bows and arrows since he was a kid, and he's probably in his 60s.
And he just picked up this bow, slapped an arrow on it, and went...
From picking the bow up, putting the arrow on, he had let go and nailed the target, hit a bullseye at 20 yards.
I mean, it was like this.
Click, click.
I mean, it took just no time at all.
He's like, when you've shot as many arrows as I have, you just kind of know where the arrow's going to go just based on the numbers, like the input.
Like if you throw 100 free throws, you kind of get an idea of how hard you have to throw that free throw.
You shoot 100 arrows, you go, oh, that's over there, and you Your brain almost has like a calculator as far as like distance.
Like if you're going to throw a rock, you kind of know how far, you know, if I give you a rock and the rock is like the size of a golf ball, you're like, I think I could throw it over there.
I kind of have a good idea where this rock's going.
bert kreischer
It's muscle memory too.
joe rogan
Yeah, definitely.
It's input.
It's like you get enough input.
You shoot all these arrows like that one went there, that one went there.
Okay, I see where it's going.
And then you start calculating it up in your brain.
And then your mind knows exactly how high you should raise that arrow, you know, so that it compensates for the distance that it has to travel and the drop that it's going to have over the course of time.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
With a compound bow, you don't do that as much.
You do it with a sight.
bert kreischer
I want to say there was a green laser on it, but I can't remember.
joe rogan
Could be.
Yeah, they have this thing, Trijicon has one.
It looks like a green laser, but it's really like a triangle.
And you rotate it forward and backward depending on how the distance is.
bert kreischer
These guys would totally take you, if you want to go boar hunting in Hawaii next time, it was on Kauai.
joe rogan
If I go Hawaii, it's with my family and I'm not coming home bloody.
There's certain things that I separate.
All my manly type behaviors.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Separate them from my little girls.
Yeah, I don't think I want them to see me fucking stab a boar with a knife while dogs are holding it down.
brian redban
What are you doing to Mufasa?
joe rogan
I bet if they saw a real wild pig, though, they'd probably be completely freaked out.
bert kreischer
Oh, fuck, yeah.
joe rogan
Pigs, to them, are these cute things.
They did see...
We took them to...
There's a farm up in Southern California.
I forget the name of the farm.
But you go there.
It's like...
You can pick your own vegetables.
And you can...
They weigh them for you.
You pick radishes and whatever.
It's fun.
The kids get to do that.
But they also have this...
Fucking pig that's as big as this table, dude.
I mean, it is the biggest pig you've ever seen in your life.
It's just gigantic.
This huge thing.
And they tweak out on that thing.
They're like, what the fuck is that?
They think of a pig as being a cute little piggy.
They have stuffed piggies.
One of my daughters has a piggy backpack that she wears sometimes.
It's a little pink piggy.
And then they're seeing this fucking wallowing, mud-covered behemoth.
This enormous pig.
It's so fucking big.
And they're like, what is that?
I'm like, that's a pig.
They're like, no, it's not.
That's not a pig.
They're like, yeah, that's a pig.
It's not pink.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Pigs aren't pink.
They're not all pink.
Like, what?
And you can see their little faces, their little computer spin.
Like, that's a fucking pig?
I mean, things just this big around and fat and fucked up and covered in mud.
bert kreischer
It is a disgusting animal.
joe rogan
But if you see a wild one, they're even more gangster.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but they don't taste good.
joe rogan
Wild one?
bert kreischer
Wild pigs don't taste good.
joe rogan
You're out of your mind.
bert kreischer
That's what they told us.
joe rogan
Don't listen to anybody.
They're delicious.
I shot a wild pig and made ham.
And it's the best ham I've ever had in my life.
bert kreischer
Seriously?
joe rogan
Smoked it over...
At least 10 hours.
I don't know how many hours it took.
bert kreischer
It took a long time.
Isn't there a truth to the fact that what the pig eats, you are then eating?
So if it's living off, like, fucking shitty vegetation, it's going to taste shitty.
Because they were telling us, the pig, normally when they, they'll catch the pig, and then they'll put it and keep it and feed it good food.
joe rogan
That's a warthog, son.
bert kreischer
That's not a pig.
joe rogan
In the pig family.
Well, yeah, you can do that.
I mean, you definitely can do that.
And some guys do that to get the pig fatter.
Like, some of the wild pigs aren't as fat.
The wild pig that I shot, though, was at Tejon Ranch, which is like rich in acorns and all these different things that the pigs could eat.
It was fat and it was delicious.
It was so good, man.
I smoked it.
And one of those smokers, and I brined it for like six days before I smoked it.
Brian ate some of it.
brian redban
Yeah, that was some of the best meat I've ever had in my life.
bert kreischer
Really?
brian redban
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's delicious.
brian redban
If I had to choose one meat that I've ever had, ever, that would have been the one that I chose as the best meat I've ever had.
bert kreischer
They told us the one we killed, they're like, it's not going to taste that great.
joe rogan
They're idiots.
brian redban
Yeah, they're taking it home and eating it.
joe rogan
They don't know what they're doing.
Yeah, that's probably that.
I found out that that was true about Marlin.
Like you catch a marlin, they tell you, oh, you can't even eat these.
Meanwhile, yeah, you can eat a marlin.
It's like swordfish.
They chop it up into steaks.
It's kind of a racket when you pay for someone to take you fishing or pay for someone to take you hunting.
Sometimes they want that meat, and they're like, you don't even want this meat, dude.
This is bad meat.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
And you're like, oh, okay, it's bad meat.
Wild pig is some of the most delicious meat you'll ever eat in your life without a doubt.
I can say that with 100% confidence.
Because I haven't just eaten this pig.
I've eaten other people's pigs that they've shot, and it's fucking fantastic.
bert kreischer
Do you think maybe that's just Hawaiian then?
joe rogan
No, no.
I'm telling you, they're bullshitting you.
Hawaiians are famous for luau's.
What do they cook with their luau's?
Pigs.
Why do they cook pigs?
Because that's what they hunt.
They have wild pigs all over Hawaii.
It's one of the few animals that they brought over with them.
When people colonize Hawaii, it's one of the few animals they left loose and they became feral.
They have deer, they have...
They have access deer in some of the islands.
They have some mountain goats in some of the places.
bert kreischer
Maybe I miss...
joe rogan
They fucked you.
They fucked you and they stole your pig.
bert kreischer
We weren't going to take it home.
joe rogan
Well, they probably didn't want you to eat any of it.
They didn't want you to bring it back to the restaurant.
They could probably sell it.
bert kreischer
I don't know.
They were good guys.
I don't think they're...
joe rogan
They're good guys.
You're on TV. Whatever, whatever.
I love Bert.
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
Give me that fucking pig.
They stole your pig, bro.
It's no big deal.
They're delicious, man.
Don't let anybody tell you different.
There's a lot of animals that people will tell you that they're not good to eat.
Another one that keeps coming up is black bear.
Someone got mad at my friend Cameron Haynes.
I posted this video of him shooting a black bear with a bow and arrow.
People are like, that's fucking horrible.
That's disgusting.
They don't even eat those.
They taste like shit.
There's all these people saying they taste terrible.
I've had black bear.
It tastes delicious.
It tastes weird.
It definitely tastes different.
You kind of know you're eating a bear.
It tastes like a bear.
It's a different taste, but it's good.
It's like, have you ever had elk?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Delicious.
bert kreischer
Yeah, the elk's really fucking good.
joe rogan
You know you're eating an elk.
Like, when you're eating elk, you're like, ooh, this is different.
It's kind of crazy.
It's like that wild pig.
That didn't taste like anything else, right?
brian redban
No, that just tasted delicious.
bert kreischer
It doesn't taste like ham?
brian redban
You've tasted Segura before.
joe rogan
Sort of.
You haven't tasted Segura lately.
Stop doing that.
bert kreischer
He tastes like Kodiak mint.
joe rogan
Kodiak mint?
What does that mean?
bert kreischer
It's a dip that's got a bear on the cover.
unidentified
Ha ha ha!
joe rogan
He's a different kind of bear.
He's reluctant.
You saw that when I was getting my nose fixed.
He was like fighting being a bear back then.
He was jogging and shit.
So I was just taking him on the road.
He probably wasn't doing so well.
He didn't have as much money for food.
Now he can eat whatever the fuck he wants.
bert kreischer
Have you ever seen the pictures of him when he was in high school?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
He looks like a male model.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
He sent some picture.
I don't know what it was, but he looked like a male model.
I was like...
unidentified
He's a funny dude, man.
bert kreischer
Oh, he's so fucking funny.
joe rogan
He's a funny dude.
I love hanging out with that guy, too.
We just did the Comedy Magic Club together a couple weeks ago.
Last week, actually.
Funny dude, man.
Tom Segura.
He was the only guy out of all the people that I went on that Maxim comedy tour with that I really stayed friends with.
Yeah.
Like, out of the guys that opened.
I'm still friends with Charlie Murphy and Heffron, but there was like...
We had 22 different openers, but one of them stood out.
It was Segura.
bert kreischer
Do you remember any of the other ones?
Yeah.
brian redban
Josh McDermott?
joe rogan
No, no, no, no, no.
Josh McDermott opened up for us in Phoenix when he did a competition.
unidentified
That's right.
joe rogan
And that was a funny story.
It was one of the Joey Diaz missing in action videos.
Joey Diaz had fucking vanished like a fucking POW in Nam, and he couldn't get any words where the fuck he was.
I started bringing two guys on the road with me for that very reason, and that was one of those times where Joey had vanished.
Joey vanished, and we couldn't get a hold of him.
So who was it?
Was McDermott and who else?
Was it Duncan or Ari?
brian redban
I think it's Ari.
joe rogan
Shit.
It might have been Matty Kirsch.
It was a long-ass time ago.
It might have been...
Who knows who it was?
But whoever it was, we had to get someone to...
And we were there the night before because I had to do radio and we watched this local contest.
And Josh McDermott went up and he was living in Phoenix at the time.
He's fucking hilarious.
And so now he's on The Walking Dead.
It's crazy.
bert kreischer
Oh, are you shitting me?
joe rogan
Yeah, he's a super smart scientist dude in The Walking Dead.
bert kreischer
Are you fucking kidding me?
joe rogan
Yeah, that dude...
He did the podcast before.
He did the podcast a long time ago.
brian redban
Yeah, Ice House Chronicles.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
What is this, 504?
joe rogan
What's that?
bert kreischer
What episode is this, 504?
This is 506. Jesus Christ.
joe rogan
Josh McDermott's a good dude.
You gotta get him on the podcast, post that show, and have him come and talk about it.
brian redban
I've been trying.
He's going to as soon as he gets...
I mean, they're filming.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, they're filming like crazy.
I mean, the show's down, so that means they're filming the next season.
Fuck doing one of those shows, man.
That's the rest of your life.
When you do a show like that, those shows, they take 16 hours a day to film.
If you heard that clang, that's the Jack Daniels jar.
bert kreischer
I'm celebrating, guys.
joe rogan
Yeah, you are celebrating.
bert kreischer
I'm celebrating.
I'm an accomplished author.
joe rogan
Your liver is fine.
bert kreischer
I'm an accomplished author.
I have a...
Liver?
joe rogan
Your liver is good?
bert kreischer
My liver is good.
It's on the other side of my body.
It hadn't been hurting at all.
joe rogan
Give me a swig of that, Mr. Crusher.
brian redban
Is whiskey your main liquor?
Yeah.
Do you ever go through a tequila phase, or do you go through phases like I only do vodka?
What happened to the machine vodka, by the way?
bert kreischer
I was fucking dead.
That was the biggest fucking mistake of my life.
joe rogan
What happened?
bert kreischer
Oh, it's just a nightmare, man.
And what will happen is someone will hear this, and I appreciate everyone who helped out.
Thank you, everyone.
I know you all are big fans of Joe's podcast.
It just...
It's a racket.
You can understand why it's a family-run business that you can't get in.
It's like a country club.
joe rogan
What is?
bert kreischer
It's like no one wanted to...
joe rogan
The liquor business.
bert kreischer
Yeah, and it just is really expensive.
joe rogan
How does Puff Daddy get in there?
bert kreischer
Honestly...
You could probably do it.
You could probably do it.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
But to be me and do it is impossible.
The first people I told you about was really great.
It was a great fucking investment, I thought.
And what it was is travel size vodka pouches.
Remember I told you about that one?
Really easy.
Stamp the face on the cover and you do these travel pouches.
They're great for summer.
You put them in your drinks and it's really cheap.
The problem is they're like, okay, we want $250,000 and your shipment will be ready to be picked up on Thursday.
And I was like, okay.
I understand the money, but what do you mean my shipment?
And they're like, well, you got to pick it up and then you need to store it somewhere and then you need to sell it out of somewhere.
I was like, I'm starting a fucking business.
joe rogan
You have to do the whole thing?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
And so I was like, okay, that's not what I wanted to do.
joe rogan
What did you want to do?
You wanted to put your name on it and they deal with everything.
bert kreischer
I wanted to...
Stamp my name on it, help promote it.
joe rogan
That can happen.
You just need to get with a better company.
brian redban
If Ron Jeremy can do it, you can do it.
joe rogan
Why can't it happen?
bert kreischer
I've tried four times, and every time it is the exact same thing.
joe rogan
You need some managerial type people to take care of that shit for you.
You're doing it on your own.
bert kreischer
I'm doing it on my own with my wife.
And it's just a fucking nightmare.
joe rogan
All due respect to you and your wife.
You're not in the business.
You should get someone who knows how to do it.
bert kreischer
We did.
There was a guy that came out in Portland, really nice, and he came and met with me.
He's like, I heard that you want to start a vodka through Joe's podcast.
Let me do this.
And then we came in.
We had a big fucking tasting.
We selected our brand.
We liked it.
I got fucking everyone.
I mean, everyone was in.
We did the tasting at my house.
Everyone tried it.
Everyone liked the exact same one.
Great.
Let's go.
And they're like, you know, quarter of a million dollars.
And how are you going to distribute the product?
joe rogan
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You had to give him a quarter of a million dollars?
bert kreischer
Not him.
He was doing it.
This guy was really cool.
I wish I could remember his name.
He was really cool.
He just set me up.
And he was like, I don't need a piece of it.
I like Joe's podcast.
I like you.
I think this would be a good thing for you.
I'll set you up with the people.
And as soon as he moved out of it, the people were like, we want...
You've got to pay all this fucking money.
I was like, I just want you to stamp it on the...
They're like, that's not going to happen.
So it's like, it just is...
joe rogan
So it's a scam.
bert kreischer
It's not a scam.
joe rogan
It is kind of a scam.
They want you to take all the risks.
They don't really want to be in business with you.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
But what they'll do is they'll be your distributor.
They'll make your...
bert kreischer
Not even that.
joe rogan
Or your manufacturer.
bert kreischer
Manufacturer.
joe rogan
They'll make your whiskey and then you've got to figure out how to get it into stores.
bert kreischer
Right.
And so it just was like a fucking...
I was like, I'm done.
I'm done.
joe rogan
That seems like a lot of work.
bert kreischer
It's been such a pain in the ass that I, and I, and you get so excited because it gets so close and then it just falls apart.
You're like, ah, fuck it.
joe rogan
Yeah, fuck it indeed.
brian redban
There's websites that actually, you know, do like where you can start your own brand of like vodka or whiskey and stuff like that.
bert kreischer
There's so much more to this that I'm not even sharing with you.
Apparently your label needs to be approved by the FDA. Like, so it's, you can't, it can't be as simple as just being on a website and I only say that because we got to the places where it got really difficult and I was just like, it's not worth our time.
joe rogan
Yeah, that seems like a drag.
bert kreischer
I'm telling you what, man.
I'm going to do a fucking...
After I'm done with this book and I'm going back on the road, I'm going Bill Burr style and I'm scrapping fucking material.
Because I feel like I've been treading water artistically and not moving forward.
Does that make sense?
joe rogan
Yeah.
You don't throw your shit out after you do a special?
bert kreischer
I haven't done a special in so long.
My problem is I write a lot on stage.
So I always have like 20 minutes of new stuff every night where I'm kind of fucking around and figuring things out.
But like I got caught telling the machine story.
You know, the machine story.
Everyone wants to hear it and I get it.
I totally want them to hear it if they paid for the tickets.
joe rogan
Do you write right?
Do you sit down front of the computer and write?
bert kreischer
I did with the book.
And with the book, I found that my writing got exponentially better and tighter.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And I was like, holy shit, man.
I'm dealing with things.
Because I got into, like, the machine story I told.
In the book, it is true.
Like, I talk about the dude.
I remember telling you about this, but, like, I shortened it for stage.
There was another dude with me that whole night.
I really kind of got into how they got the money into the country to pay off the mafia.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
And you're like, God damn it, why wasn't I talking about this on stage before?
So writing really does help with that process of writing on stage.
And it just makes it better.
joe rogan
Yeah, I'm sure.
Writing is everything, man.
You know, Planet of the Apes.
bert kreischer
I gotta remember that story.
I find that being on the podcast helps me, like doing my podcast helps me write material.
Just in the sense that you come up with a thought and you're like, oh, that's fucking funny.
joe rogan
Do you do this?
Do you like, this is my, over the last few months, we've had these legal pads I leave around here for the guests, for me.
Anytime something that you can't, you know, you gotta remember.
You gotta go back to it later.
I just write shit down on these things.
bert kreischer
I just started taping my sets.
joe rogan
Just started recently?
bert kreischer
Yeah, because I don't like it.
Because if I tape, then I don't feel creative.
I feel like I'm not going to talk.
I feel like I'll work on material.
joe rogan
What?
bert kreischer
I know.
joe rogan
Just tape every set, and then it becomes normal.
bert kreischer
I know.
I'm going to.
The problem is I don't listen to them a lot unless something really genius happens.
joe rogan
But you have it.
Look, I have a hundred fucking plus sets on my...
On my phone at all times.
At any given time.
Look at this.
At any given time, these are all different comedy sets.
bert kreischer
Where do you just sit your phone out off to the side?
joe rogan
I just put it on the stool.
Look at that.
There's hundreds of sets, man.
brian redban
I think every comic does that nowadays.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's on your phone.
brian redban
I'll tell you what.
joe rogan
Every fucking cell phone.
bert kreischer
I'll tell you what.
When I was young, there were two types...
And by the way, I understand that I'm setting myself up to be slammed on this.
There were two types of comics.
unidentified
I like when you do that.
bert kreischer
I can't help it.
joe rogan
I like it.
bert kreischer
I fucking...
I miss hanging out like this.
This is as fun as fuck.
unidentified
Oh.
bert kreischer
There were two types of comics.
There were the guys that had tape recorders on stage, and then there were the black comics.
And I liked the black comics.
Mike Epps, I say Tracy Morgan, and I know that me and him may never be friends.
Mike Epps, Tracy Morgan, Dave Chappelle, Tony Woods were the guys.
I never party with Dave Chappelle, but I party with Epps.
And I partied with Tony, and I hung out with Chappelle one night.
But nothing big.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But I'd watch them on stage, and it was like they were creating in the moment.
Greer Barnes.
Do you remember Greer Barnes?
joe rogan
Sure.
Greer's hilarious.
bert kreischer
A fucking monster.
joe rogan
I did a lot of road gigs with Greer.
bert kreischer
He is one of the best comics I've ever seen on stage.
joe rogan
It's a funny dude, man.
I was always shocked that that guy didn't become famous.
bert kreischer
Me too!
joe rogan
There's a few of those guys.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Reggie McFadden is another one I talk about all the time.
bert kreischer
Do you remember that comic?
joe rogan
I don't understand it.
Reggie McFadden, when we were living in New York...
I was in New Rochelle in like 92 or something like that.
I saw Reggie McFadden at a black comedy club, an all-black comedy club in Mount Vernon called the Champagne Comedy Club.
I could never work it because you had to be squeaky clean.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like the zoo had all these rules.
No motherfuckers.
Can't say no motherfuckers.
You don't say the bitch had a big ass.
You said the girl had a wide behind.
Like he would give you these things the way you would describe things.
I was like, well, I'll never work at this place, but at least I can go with my friend.
My friend was working there and he was working with Reggie McFadden.
And Reggie just destroyed, destroyed.
I remember watching him going, whoa, this kid is talented.
And I remember thinking, you know, I was in my early 20s.
I guess I was like 23 or 24 or something like that.
And I was thinking, man, this is so cool.
It's like, To be a part of this scene and be around these comedians.
And they're all going to be huge someday.
But some of them, for whatever...
Tony Woods.
For some of them, I just don't get it.
How is Tony Woods not gigantic?
bert kreischer
I don't know, man.
joe rogan
Tony Woods is fucking hilarious when I was coming up.
bert kreischer
Tony Woods came to the DC Improv one night.
I wish.
Why don't people tape these moments?
Tony Woods comes to the DC Improv one night.
Sold out.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
And I hear him in the back.
Why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story?
I said, who is that?
And in my head, I thought it's either one of two people.
It's either Tony Woods or Tracy Morgan.
joe rogan
Right, right, right.
bert kreischer
And I said, is that Tony?
Yeah, Bert, tell that story.
Tell your story of that night.
And I went, all right, everyone, the guy that was there with me that night is Tony Woods.
He's in the room.
I said, Tony, why don't you do this?
Why don't we come up on stage?
You come up, you tell your side of the story, I'll tell my side of the story, and we'll see where the two middles meet.
He's like, that's what I want.
So Tony comes up, we have two mics, and we told the story.
And it's amazing to hear his recollection.
unidentified
Did you close with that?
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah, I got off fucking stage.
And I told, because one of my favorite things is I don't remember anything.
But I wanted to know if Tony remembered the end of that night the exact same way I did.
joe rogan
The line.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's how you get out of a billboard question.
bert kreischer
So I said to him, I said, and he's on the ground.
And I remember Tony said, And all I'm thinking is, what are we going to do with the dead Tracy Morgan?
unidentified
Man, this is going to ruin our career, Bert!
bert kreischer
And I go, and then he stood up, and I looked at Tony, and he, I mean, identical.
unidentified
He goes, he snapped his shirt, and he looked, and he said, now that's how you get out of paying the check!
bert kreischer
And walked away, and I was like, fucking...
It was like one of those things where you got proven that you didn't lie.
And I was like, I fucking knew it!
It was like on Facebook, the people that now, obviously the book's been out, the people that were involved in the Russian train story have all heard about it.
And so they're all replying like, yeah, I was there, 100% true.
joe rogan
That's funny.
bert kreischer
Even when you hear it, you're like, I fucking knew it!
And you know you're telling the truth, but it's just, as a comic, like you said, your imagination takes over and you try to get the laugh and you never know.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's weird when you go back and you think about those dudes.
bert kreischer
Like Reggie McFadden.
So like Reggie McFadden, and this story may not be accurate, but this is how I remember it.
Reggie McFadden, we're all doing a Barry Cash showcase, and the line is, be clean.
joe rogan
Oh no, who says that?
bert kreischer
I think it's Barry.
joe rogan
Son of a bitch.
bert kreischer
And Reggie McFadden goes up on stage and his first joke is, um...
Let me tell you why you're never supposed to eat stripper pussy.
Did he really?
Look, who fucking knows?
I don't want Reggie Maggie to get upset, but I remember him.
joe rogan
Because he was kind of clean.
bert kreischer
It seemed fucking...
And he talked about, if you're the first person to eat stripper pussy, you're not the first person to eat stripper pussy that night.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
You're the fifth person, and you're going to get...
It was a joke, but that was the whole fucking premise.
I remember Barry in the back wringing his hands like, I thought I said to work clean.
How come he didn't work clean?
Yeah.
joe rogan
Work clean is always so stupid.
bert kreischer
Greer Barnes, a monster.
Do you remember, was it Hans?
Do you remember a guy who had a joke about the Jamaican subway shooting?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Remember the Jamaican guy that went on the Long Island Expressway with the rifle?
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
Do you remember the guy that had that joke?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
One of the most murderous jokes I've ever seen.
And I wish I could remember it.
Franz.
Franz was his name.
joe rogan
I feel like I was out of New York by then.
brian redban
Franz and Franz.
unidentified
I think I was already in L.A. Yeah, black dude.
bert kreischer
I remember when you first came out to L.A. And I want to say I remember it because it was like you had done some article about...
Who was and wasn't funny anymore or something.
But I remember it was like maybe videotape, but it was on your lot.
Like when you were standing, you were telling like, oh yeah, that guy's not fucking funny.
What?
I don't know.
joe rogan
What are you talking about?
bert kreischer
Trying to remember the best I can.
joe rogan
Oh, that didn't happen.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
There's no way I was doing a video saying who's not funny anymore.
That someone used to be funny and isn't...
Probably confusing me with somebody else.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Because I always thought it was you and I always thought...
The best part is that...
I remember the best part was that...
I remember, I guess, watching it with some people and Bobby Kelly was like, Oh man, there goes all my acting gigs.
I look just like the guy.
joe rogan
What?
bert kreischer
I fucking joke.
joe rogan
Bobby Kelly said he looked just like me?
bert kreischer
Yeah, and I can't remember.
joe rogan
Bobby Kelly's my friend.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I know.
joe rogan
But I knew him from a long time ago.
unidentified
No, no, no.
bert kreischer
Oh, then it may not have been you.
joe rogan
No, it wasn't me.
bert kreischer
It wasn't you then.
joe rogan
No, Bobby Kelly and I had sex in the same room together.
We picked up these two chicks and brought them back to his place.
bert kreischer
That qualifies friends!
joe rogan
We picked up these two chicks and brought them back to his place.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
I tried to do that with Dane one time.
joe rogan
Didn't, Dane wasn't into it?
bert kreischer
Dane got so pissed at me.
He was like, no, he was pissed.
joe rogan
He was like, what if the girl wants you?
What if you're funnier?
bert kreischer
He goes, turn it off, Bert.
Turn it off.
I go, what?
And he goes, the comedy.
We're done.
It's over.
Let's make this happen.
By the way, I probably shouldn't be telling this story.
joe rogan
Yeah, you probably shouldn't.
What the fuck are you doing?
bert kreischer
We didn't fuck anyone.
We didn't fuck anyone.
Settle down.
joe rogan
Don't lie from here on out.
Just let it go.
bert kreischer
Okay.
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you that picked up two girls.
joe rogan
Don't tell the story.
bert kreischer
I thought you said tell the truth.
unidentified
No.
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
No, no, no.
Don't tell it.
bert kreischer
We didn't fuck anybody, but I remember Dane, the valuable lesson in that was Dane was like...
joe rogan
You're not going to see my cock.
bert kreischer
Nope.
He goes, you got to learn when to turn it off.
I'm leaving.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
You don't have to turn it off.
bert kreischer
Because I was being a comic in the bed, and I was trying to joke around, and Dane's like, you're cock-blocking the moment.
By trying to be funny.
We're done.
We did the stage show.
It's over.
What?
Motherfucker.
This is going to be the most...
I'm just burning bridges left and right on this podcast today.
joe rogan
It seems like that.
I would advise not talking anymore.
bert kreischer
We didn't have sex with anyone.
We just hung out with some girls and that's over.
joe rogan
Whatever, whatever.
Well, you know, there's some dudes that will feel like you're fucking up their vibe if you're just constantly hitting on the yuck yucks and they're trying to get some Barry White music playing.
brian redban
Right.
bert kreischer
That's me.
brian redban
Yeah, I'm a funny fuck.
bert kreischer
I can't turn it off.
joe rogan
Ever.
Even when you're having sex.
brian redban
I'll tickle you when I'm fucking you.
bert kreischer
If I turn it off during sex, it looks creepy.
joe rogan
Fuck, this is an image I don't want.
All the other images that I have of you in my head are all jammed together now.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I can't.
joe rogan
Tickling girls, and they're just shaking their head looking at you like, what are you doing?
bert kreischer
Wait, so can you just shut it down and just go into sexy mode?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, you know, it's like people either have sexy mode or they don't.
It's like a toggle switch.
You're either, hey, I didn't work for it.
I'm not proud of it.
unidentified
It's like something I was just born with.
Smolder.
Smolder.
joe rogan
You just have it or you don't, bro.
bert kreischer
I don't have it.
joe rogan
And I don't even know why I got it.
I gotta go.
unidentified
Did you see Bobby Kelly's sexy mode when you guys had sex with girls?
bert kreischer
No!
joe rogan
We were all fucking hammered.
We were all 21 or something like that.
bert kreischer
Have you ever let another dude see your sexy mode?
joe rogan
There was no sexy mode, man.
We were laughing.
We took these chicks.
We met them.
They were really cool.
We had a good time.
Next thing you know, we were back at Bobby's place.
I don't even think we thought we were going to wind up actually having sex, but next thing you know, everyone's naked.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, Bobby and his girl were over there, and Bobby gave me his bed.
He's a fucking cool guy.
And me and this chick were on Bobby's bed.
We were both children.
We're all children.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, I was probably 24, I think, maybe, somewhere around then.
bert kreischer
I love Bobby.
joe rogan
And Bobby was, shit, Bobby was probably the same age or somewhere around there.
I think he's a little younger than me.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I think he's, I want to say he's my age.
joe rogan
How old are you?
41. Yeah, maybe.
Didn't make too much sense.
That doesn't make too much sense because then he would be some 46. He'd be five years younger, so he'd be 20 at the time.
If I was 25 or 24, he was 19. I don't think so.
I don't think he was that young.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
But either way, we were working together and it was when he was with, he had a comedy team with Dane Cook.
They were Al and the Monkeys.
bert kreischer
Al and the Monkeys, yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
And him and Al and Dane and Bobby would do, they would do sketches and then they would do like, each do like five minutes of stand-up.
And then Dane would do like the last bit and then I would go on after those guys and I would just do stand-up.
We did a couple gigs together like that.
bert kreischer
By the way, guys, I'm not talking shit about Bobby and Dane.
Please, no one started.
joe rogan
Bobby's a good dude, man.
bert kreischer
I love Bobby.
He's one of my favorite people.
I call him when I have drama.
joe rogan
Dane's not a bad guy, either.
He's just troubled.
Like many comedians, you know, he's made his errors, for sure.
He's suffered for those errors.
And there's a lot of value to that suffering for comedians.
Both value to the creative aspect of his suffering and, you know, the originality aspect to the suffering.
When your originality is questioned, everybody has thought of something that somebody had already thought of.
It just happens.
There's a lot of shit that's kind of, I don't want to say obvious, but it's available.
If you do the math, and the real problem is when guys find out that there's a bit that already exists and they don't drop their own, you're too thirsty then.
You're too hungry.
You're also not confident enough in your own abilities.
Because your own abilities, you should have enough confidence in the fact that you put in the hours, you work on your writing, you work on your craft, you work on your idea of being an artist, a stand-up comedian.
And what's a threat to that art?
Well, you would say one of the big threats to that art is if you're not original.
That's a threat.
If you can't be creative, that's a threat.
So if something comes along and then threatens that originality and creativity, you shouldn't say...
Hey, but I'm still getting laughs with that, so fuck it, I'm going to keep going.
No, what you should do is abandon that and concentrate solely on creating something to fill its place.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Say, oh, there's a bit that, like, here's an example of one where I fucked up on, and I didn't even know I fucked up until years and years later.
I did a bit about penguins, and it was about that March of the Penguins bit.
Remember that movie, March of the Penguins, Morgan Freeman was hosting it?
And I did a bit about, it's so obvious, about, you know, penguins are monogamous.
But it's not that impressive because they look exactly the same.
It's not like one is Rosie O'Donnell and one looks like Jenna Jameson.
You know, like the fucking penguins.
You can just pretend you're banging your sister, your mom.
They all look the same.
And Ellen DeGeneres had a bit years before that.
And I didn't even hear it until I was driving in my car.
And I was listening to XM Satellite Radio at the time.
And they had the Comedy Hour, whatever it was, Raw Dog.
And Ellen DeGeneres was talking about penguins looking exactly the same.
It's not that impressive.
They're monogamous.
They look exactly the same.
It's so obvious.
It's right there.
But if I had heard her do it, I would have never done it.
But I think she got there first.
I think the year of her bit precedes the year of mine.
Because I think she didn't even mention the March of the Penguins.
I think it was before March of the Penguins even came out.
bert kreischer
That's one of the biggest fears of a young comic is if you're afraid to listen to people's albums because you're afraid they're going to do bits like you, you need to fucking start writing more.
joe rogan
Well, you know, Jim Norton doesn't listen to other comedians for that very reason.
He doesn't like going to comedy.
bert kreischer
No, you got to.
You got to.
And Ari said this.
Ari and I did a podcast this week about my first album ever.
And Ari was extremely critical of it.
And rightfully so.
That's the reason we did it.
Are we wrapping up?
Are we getting close?
joe rogan
Five minutes.
We got five minutes.
bert kreischer
And so Ari was extremely critical of it, but I've said that's why I want to do this.
I want to look at me when I was young and fucking really bad and hungry and dirty and not clean about what I wanted or my dreams or my hopes because I don't want people to hear me just, me and him just glad hand me on a fucking, on a CD. And we did, and that was a lot of my fear as a young was just, oh, just I want to succeed.
I want to be a headliner.
You got to do, you got to let the pace be the pace.
joe rogan
Well, you also have to fuck up and learn along the way.
bert kreischer
You have to fuck up and learn.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I'm taking a big sabbatical after I wrap this, and I'm going to fucking write and work and start hanging out at clubs, but you gotta watch Young Comics and find out what they're doing.
joe rogan
Sometimes, yeah.
bert kreischer
Because you gotta know where the fucking, where the meter is.
Like who, if I gotta, like Ari was saying on the thing, there's crocodile hunter bits were a big deal.
Well, if you weren't in the clubs, you didn't realize everyone had a fucking crocodile hunter bit.
joe rogan
Everybody.
bert kreischer
Yeah, and so...
joe rogan
I avoided it, and I fucking have an obsession with lizards.
bert kreischer
Because you don't want to be the guy with a crocodile hunter bit also.
joe rogan
Dude, I have a lizard skin wrap on my pool cue.
I have...
cases that are made out of alligator skin.
I'm obsessed with reptiles.
And the whole thing about this crocodile hunter, this guy drove me crazy.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
But I would never talk about him.
Because of the fact that there was so many...
You would go on stage at the comedy store, and if you had a 10 o'clock spot, the show starts at 8, there might be three guys before you that did a fucking crocodile hunter joke.
bert kreischer
I don't want that.
I don't want to be the guy go, hey, did anyone do the thing about blowjobs?
I have a ton of blowjobs, too.
joe rogan
It's too late.
unidentified
Too late!
joe rogan
Too late for blowjobs.
Here's what I like.
unidentified
Blowjobs!
joe rogan
That's my Dave Attell!
bert kreischer
Fucking love that guy.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's so many fake David Tells out there.
bert kreischer
Dude, put me in that group.
joe rogan
No, you don't do a David Tell impression.
bert kreischer
No, no, no.
But when you're younger, you don't know what you're doing on stage, and you emulate.
You know what?
You ready for what I'm doing?
joe rogan
Okay.
bert kreischer
I talked to Fitz Simmons the other day.
He was on my podcast.
I'll probably release it tomorrow.
Fitz Simmons is going to...
I'm going to pay him, and he's going to sit and vet my hour.
joe rogan
Oh, that's a good move.
Fitzsimmons is a brutal critic, and he's smart as fuck, and he's a real good comic.
bert kreischer
He's like, you know what, Bert?
I'll tell you what you don't need, and I'll tell you what's hacky, and I'll tell you where you should go.
And you may not be ready for another hour.
You may need to work, but he's like, you know, you gotta do this, you gotta do that.
joe rogan
Well, a lot of guys have done that.
Like, Chris Rock did that when he created New Hours.
He had Nick DiPaolo, Rich Voss, and they would write for him, write ideas.
bert kreischer
I don't want Greg to write for me.
I'm very strict about that.
I write my own material.
I say my own material.
If it comes out of my mouth, it's mine.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
Forever.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
But I would like Greg to...
I don't mind Greg punching up a joke or helping me with a joke.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But I want him to tell me what I'm better than.
joe rogan
No one's better to tell you than Greg.
bert kreischer
Yeah, he's a fucking...
Greg's one of the fucking guys that because I'm a friend with you, I've become friends with him.
joe rogan
He's a smart dude, man.
bert kreischer
That's why I'm grateful for my friendship with you.
Let's wrap this up.
joe rogan
I'm grateful for my friendship with you too, pal.
bert kreischer
This has been a cool family to be involved in.
And it is, it's one of the things I say, I said to Stan Hope, is one of my favorite things is the fact that I've earned the right to call myself a stand-up comedian and then have real conversations with real people like you guys because it's, you can't get this at a country club.
joe rogan
No.
Well, I think, you know, as we, Moshe Kasher yesterday, we were talking about, like, comics are, like, the only people that truly understand comics.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
No one's going to get us.
joe rogan
It's just so weird to be...
That kind of a fuck-up and outsider that comes up with these ideas that other people are just...
I mean, some people are going to be funny upon occasion.
There's going to be a stress build-up and someone's going to be the guy that busts the bubble and releases and everyone's going to go, Oh, John, so funny!
But there's a real difference between that and an Ari Shafir.
There's a real difference between that and a craftsman who's out there.
bert kreischer
Joey Diaz.
joe rogan
Or Doug Stanhope.
Stan Hope, I love him.
It's hard for other people to understand each other.
That's why I've always been so supportive of other comedians.
I think it's real important.
It was really important to me when I first started out to get the green light and the approval from other comedians.
I've talked about on the podcast how Marc Maron gave me a little pep talk once when I was an open-miker.
It changed my world.
Like, I was convinced.
Like, I could do it.
If this guy, Mark Mann, he was a real pro.
He was coming back from the Comedy Store, but he knew that he used to work at the Comedy Store in LA, which was mecca.
It was like this guy had been to Jerusalem or some shit.
And when he told me I was good, I was like, holy shit, I'm good.
I'm going to really do this.
Those little moments for a comic, despite...
I bombed a fucking thousand times after that.
I mean, everybody bombs.
Everybody eats dick.
But that's also part of trying to find your voice and trying to find your material and trying to figure out...
It ain't easy.
It ain't easy to do this, and we all need each other.
bert kreischer
Dude, look at my life from when I met you guys.
Like, I mean, like, I say this, I blow smoke up your ass a lot.
I know you told me to stop.
But, like, Brian's wearing my shirt, my book's out today, and I'm hanging out, and we're all still friends.
And I'm telling a machine story on stage that I would have never fucking told.
Had I not met you, I would have never told it.
joe rogan
I love you buddy, but you would have.
bert kreischer
I would have never fucking told it.
joe rogan
One day you would have got to a point where you're like, I need some new material.
I was in Russia.
And then it would just start taking off.
Look, we help each other, man.
But, you know, you are just as important to me as I am to you.
And Brian, you're just as important to me as I am to you, too.
All of you.
Jamie, I could do with or without you.
unidentified
If Jamie wasn't here, no one would let us in the building, Brian.
joe rogan
Sweetie, I don't mean that.
No, we all feed off of each other and it's what you make out of these relationships that is like, that's sort of your responsibility when you're around as many talented people as you can.
If you just sort of lay back and become the guy where everybody goes, fucking, you know, Timmy doesn't write new jokes.
This motherfucker is bombing all the time.
We bring him on the road.
He does the same jokes he did a year ago and he's eating dick.
Then Timmy's not doing his part.
And then Timmy winds up getting cut out of the fucking rose bush.
And that's just how it goes.
And it's all for all of us, too.
It's important.
Look, I've benefited from being friends with all of the people in this room, but I've also benefited from being friends with Duncan, from being inspired by him, by being inspired by Joey or Ari or Doug, or just, you know, fill in the blank, keep going.
Whoa, almost got my computer again with my fucking Italian hand gesture.
Jesus Christ, look at it.
It's trying to find my computer like a fucking, like one of those lampreys in a Shannon Doherty movie.
bert kreischer
Lampreys?
joe rogan
Yes, I watched The Attack of the Killer Lampreys.
Shannon Daugherty, she's back.
bert kreischer
And you don't listen to the Smiths?
joe rogan
Shannon Daugherty is back.
brian redban
I heard that on the way here.
I was like, wait, you don't listen to the Smiths?
What the fuck?
joe rogan
They're okay.
They're okay.
bert kreischer
Let's go get weird.
joe rogan
Toneta.
T-O-N-E-T-A. He's interesting, man.
Take us out on a song called Drugs, Drugs, Drugs.
Find Tonetta Drugs, Drugs, Drugs online and you'll kind of understand what I'm saying.
And then I'll read off what we need to cover on this podcast.
Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen, the life of the motherfucking party.
bert kreischer
I fucking love you, Joe.
joe rogan
I put up a link earlier today on Amazon.
Go to my Twitter and you can buy his book.
It is...
bert kreischer
It's in bookstores.
joe rogan
This guy's doing this shit in his living room, in his underwear.
Don't take them away from me.
I'm happy doing drugs.
Sounds like shit.
unidentified
Drugs, drugs, drugs.
bert kreischer
It actually sounds pretty good.
joe rogan
Give them all to me.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's fascinating.
brian redban
But it's no Violet Fims or Grateful Dead.
bert kreischer
Violet Fims are fucking good.
joe rogan
He is who he is.
That guy's him.
That's him.
And he's bombing.
He's balling, rather.
I like him.
I like all of you.
All right, you fucks.
Listen, we will be back on Saturday night for some sort of a UFC fight.
What do we call them?
Fight companion podcast.
It will most likely be Callen, Brandon Walsh, Eddie Bravo, and me.
And we're going to watch the fights, and we're going to talk some shit.
And allegedly, marijuana might be distributed.
Wow!
Skip my show in Philly.
bert kreischer
I'm fucking watching that.
joe rogan
How dare you.
It's available for download later.
You don't have to skip any shows.
Live in the moment.
Remember, the moment.
unidentified
Live in the moment.
joe rogan
No recordings.
bert kreischer
Live in the fucking moment.
joe rogan
All right, you dirty fucks.
We'll be back soon.
Rogan.ting.com.
Go there.
Save $25 on the new Android device.
The sexiest of the sexy, including the HTC One M8, which I have my dirty little eyeballs on.
Ding, ding, ding.
Thanks to onnit.com.
Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off of any and all supplements.
For limited edition kitty cat t-shirts and all of the information about podcasts and any of Brian's comedy dates, go to deathsquad.tv and get your freak on.
Including this Friday night, we'll be at the Ice House.
In Pasadena, in the Little Room, doing an episode of Thunder Pussy, which is a completely improvisational podcast.
The audience yells out ideas.
You go on stage, blitz out of your fucking mind, and you talk mad shit, and it's probably the funnest thing I've ever done in my life.
Are you around Friday night?
bert kreischer
I'm in Philly.
joe rogan
Go fuck yourself, Philly!
You stole Bert Kreischer from me!
How dare you!
Bill Burr was right!
Alright, we'll see you fucks on Saturday night.
Much love.
Big kiss to everybody.
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