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April 14, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:43:10
Joe Rogan Experience #485 - Amy Schumer
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amy schumer
01:03:39
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joe rogan
01:33:13
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joe rogan
Sweet!
Baby Jesus.
On a pogo stick.
This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience, this is a late night episode, is brought to you by Squarespace.
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unidentified
You look good.
joe rogan
I don't give a fuck.
Say it because I mean it.
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Anyway, JoeRogan.
Squarespace.com, entering the code word Joe.
We're also brought to you by Stamps.com.
And with Stamps.com is a way to avoid a lot of the nonsense that goes along with sending shit through the mail.
Like, let's say you start your own website with Squarespace, you start selling shit out of Squarespace, then you gotta send it.
Oh, good googly moogly, son.
You do not want to have to go to the fucking post office and wait in line With a bunch of other people that don't want to be waiting in line and a poor person behind the counter that's got to measure all your shit and package it up.
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You don't have to get drunk and naked.
It's just a suggestion.
And I don't know how you deal with things when you're naked or when you're drunk.
You might make poor choices.
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But if you're sober in your home, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
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Do you see how I rock shit, Amy Schumer?
amy schumer
Full circle!
joe rogan
Craziness!
Stamps.com has been used by Brian Redband for a long time.
If you buy one of his cool kitty cat t-shirts that he designs and makes himself, those are all sent through Stamps.com.
It's also how Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura, when they send your mom's house stuff, they use Stamps.com too.
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We're almost home.
We're at the home stretch.
unidentified
Oh, boy.
joe rogan
We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.
That's O-N-N-I-T. A human optimization website.
And that name was only created because there's another way to describe it.
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We're all about human optimization.
But that's really what we're about, so there's no other way to say it, unfortunately.
It sounds good until you're talking to someone who's skeptical.
And then looking at you like, what, bitch?
What the fuck are you talking about?
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Mark my words.
They would never fucking figure it out.
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Why fuck around?
unidentified
The Joe Rogan Experience.
joe rogan
Powerful Amy Schumer It's like,
amy schumer
honestly, vegetables and fruit for a smoothie.
Like some Greek yogurt.
It's just like, he's like...
joe rogan
Beautiful.
amy schumer
Perfect.
And then wine, which I tell him to hide from me unless I ask for it.
joe rogan
What about a pair of white sneakers?
amy schumer
I should do that.
I need like a hip-hop...
I need a hip-hop vibe.
I've got nothing...
joe rogan
Well, there's some artists that do demand things like that.
They demand, like, every time I go to one of these places, I always ask the guys backstage, like, what's the craziest shit you've ever seen?
Because a lot of these dudes that are, like, working in these comedy clubs or these, especially these theaters that have seen, like, rock and roll bands coming through, you always want to know, like, what?
Come on, man.
What's the craziest shit you've seen?
Just rock and roll coke stories for the most part.
That's what everybody has.
I mean, I wouldn't repeat the stories because I wouldn't want to get anybody in trouble.
But they're mostly just coke and naked people stories.
amy schumer
The funniest one I ever heard was T.J. Miller, that comic.
He asked for either an actual or a picture of a pinata in the green room.
So sometimes the promoter has to draw the picture of a pinata.
I'm like, that's awesome.
I've got nothing exciting on there.
But until recently, there was some mistake where it told drivers not to look at me, or not to talk to me.
Like, something was in there.
And in December, I heard that, and I go, oh my god, that's not supposed to be there.
Please take that out.
And they haven't.
I just found out they didn't.
So, it's so...
Because I'm always like, why is there such horrible tension on this ride?
And then they're like...
And I'll talk to them, and they're like, oh, you know, it says I'm not...
And I'm like, oh my god, that's so embarrassing!
Like, me being like, no, don't talk to me.
joe rogan
I've had that in my rider accidentally as well.
Not even accidentally.
Like, it was a conversation that somebody must have had with someone.
Like, you shouldn't talk to them.
It's like, what are you talking about?
Like, that's ridiculous.
amy schumer
Yeah.
I used to be really pained by small talk, actually.
Like, on the road, because you have so many little interactions.
But Colin Quinn, like, really turned me on to small talk.
He goes so hard into small talk that people go the other way.
joe rogan
It's like an art form to him.
amy schumer
One driver at a time, one person who works at a hotel, he'll small talk you to death.
It really has sort of changed the road for me.
joe rogan
I've had some great drivers.
I've had some really, really hilarious dudes.
I had a dude in New Orleans that grew up in New Orleans and had no idea how crazy New Orleans was.
amy schumer
Craziest place I've ever been.
joe rogan
Yeah, and in comparison to the rest of the country, there's certain things you just get away with in New Orleans, like walking down the street with an open beer.
The cops pulled him over.
And he was only a couple hours outside of New Orleans, he said.
He drove a couple hours.
And he's out there with a beer, sitting there by his car, drinking this beer.
And the cop pulls over, and the cop starts asking him questions.
And while the cop's talking to him, he puts the one beer down and cracks open another one.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
joe rogan
Like nothing.
Like nothing.
Starts drinking the second beer.
And the cop was like, are you out of your fucking mind?
Like, what are you doing?
He goes, wait a minute.
The cop goes, where are you from?
And the guy goes, New Orleans.
And he's like, oh, okay.
Listen, you can't do that here.
You can't do that anywhere else.
You live in a crazy place.
amy schumer
It's such a cultural...
I love it there.
That's also my favorite place.
But I've seen the worst stuff there.
joe rogan
The worst stuff?
amy schumer
The worst.
joe rogan
Violence?
amy schumer
The combination of everything bad.
And I went to college in Baltimore.
Like...
Not a coincidence that they filmed The Wire there.
But in New Orleans, I was like 17, I was there in a volleyball tournament, and I was in a Haagen-Dazs, and I saw these two guys stray from the bayou, and they were both hitting on this girl, and they didn't know that it was a hooker, and they didn't know that it was a guy.
I was like 17, I was like, ooh, that's dark, and they were both celebrating that this hot girl was talking to them, and I was like, oh, one of them is about to catch a dick.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
amy schumer
Yeah.
But I love that city.
It's my favorite.
joe rogan
A friend of mine once in California, my friend Eddie, we were right by the comedy store.
You know that hotel by the comedy store?
That ramp that's going up?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And this woman was driving up the hill.
And my friend Eddie was like, dude, that chick is so fucking hot.
Oh my god, look how hot that girl is.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
And she was a transvestite who had...
a transsexual...
That had done a piece on the man show with us.
And I said, oh, I know her.
And I'm like, she's a he.
And he's like, no fucking way.
I go, well, not anymore she's not.
But she used to be, I guess she still kind of is because she has a penis still.
amy schumer
And he was like, what?
Was it a transsexual and transvestite?
unidentified
Oh, well, they just dress.
joe rogan
Transsexual is someone who has gotten their sex changed.
Okay.
Transvestite is someone who dresses as a woman.
You know, you could be a cross-dresser, too.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's kind of weird when you define, you know, like, what they are.
Like, what is a person who dresses like a woman?
amy schumer
Would Jim Norton fuck them?
joe rogan
But, I mean, not even if they, I mean, not even, like, a sexual thing.
Because if a dress, like, I think you could be a transvestite and be completely heterosexual.
amy schumer
Like, Eddie Izzard, I think, just cross-dresses.
Or he did anyway, but doesn't, like, is very straight, I think, right?
joe rogan
I don't know.
You know, I don't know why he did that, but it worked, whatever it is.
amy schumer
Unstoppable.
joe rogan
And it's obviously that he's got talent outside of that, but whatever it is, it worked.
He did an amazing thing once where he ran around Europe.
Did you ever see that documentary?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
My respect for him shot through the roof.
amy schumer
See, that annoyed me.
I don't even know anything about it, but him doing that, like, it makes me feel lazy, and right away I'm like, ugh.
joe rogan
You'd have to see it to understand what he did, because it was incredibly impressive.
I guess it was on the UK on TV, and it didn't get on TV in America.
You've got to watch it on the internet, but he ran, like, every day.
He ran a marathon.
What?
Yeah, he ran all around Europe.
It's insane.
What he did was insane.
amy schumer
He also does his act in Arabic.
He does his act in a bunch of different languages.
Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.
I may not be Arabic.
joe rogan
Whatever he does it in, he's a bad motherfucker.
That guy's amazing.
amy schumer
He's like Beyonce.
joe rogan
He ran around the fucking...
I mean, he's not an athlete.
This is the thing.
He didn't do it When he was in shape.
He did it when he was fat.
He just did it.
He just forced his body to do it.
He finished a 1,100 mile marathon around Britain.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
That was like a fake headline.
I can't believe this.
joe rogan
Exactly.
amy schumer
But so right away you like just respect that because right away I think, what are you running from?
What are you trying to escape from?
And maybe that's my defense mechanism.
joe rogan
But no, I don't think he's escaping or running from anything.
He did it all for charity and he had a goal.
amy schumer
A mama.
joe rogan
He set this goal in his mind, and he just decided to try to complete this goal.
What was the charity, Jamie?
Does it say?
unidentified
Yeah, I think Sports Relief.
I don't know.
joe rogan
Eddie is finishing.
unidentified
I don't know.
joe rogan
I don't know.
amy schumer
He looks great there.
joe rogan
That might just be a website that sponsored it.
There was some, some aspect of it was, uh, related to charity.
Oh, his body transformed during the time he did it.
He ran a thousand fucking miles, but like he had the most horrendous blisters on his feet.
I mean, his skin was torn apart on his feet just because his body was just so unused to this.
I mean, that's something you try just trying to build up to running a marathon, just a marathon.
That's a fucking serious physical undertaking.
amy schumer
I could not do a 3K right now.
I'd be like, whatever the charity, I couldn't do it.
joe rogan
This guy did a hundred of them.
Jesus Christ.
amy schumer
It's sad that I never heard of that.
joe rogan
How many did he run?
30 or something like that?
43 marathons?
They didn't even put it on TV. Were all of them a standard marathon rate of 26 miles?
Is that what it is?
That's a marathon, right?
26 miles?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's incredible.
amy schumer
Is that the YouTube video or like a website?
joe rogan
No, but there is a YouTube video of it.
You can watch the whole thing every step of the way.
And there was parts of it where he was running really, really, really, really slow.
But he did not fucking quit.
It's incredible.
Like, you know, you just look at this guy pushing himself.
His knees are falling apart, his feet's falling apart, and he just gets up there and he just fucking keeps running.
amy schumer
I just think I can't help it.
I'm like, what's he running from?
joe rogan
But why is he running from something if he's trying to accomplish something?
amy schumer
Well, because I'm projecting.
I'm like, why would I do that?
joe rogan
Right.
Like, you don't want to date anybody that shows up at the gym at 6am.
Like, come on.
amy schumer
No, I think being motivated and wanting to take care of yourself is one thing.
But then I think something that insane...
I mean, if it's to raise money for charity, like, why don't you do stand-up and they'll put that on TV in America because you are...
joe rogan
Because he set a goal.
He set a goal to see if he could pull it off.
amy schumer
I think we have to agree to disagree because I don't think it's cool.
And I like him and I think he's really funny and so I feel bad.
joe rogan
No, look, you've got a point.
You've got a point.
I mean, why not just ask people to donate the money or donate the money yourself?
You've got a point.
amy schumer
No, but I mean, of course, then why even have a fundraiser?
But I'm just saying, to do that, I don't know.
I know zero about it except what you just told me, but right away that's what I think.
joe rogan
Here's another optimistic way of looking at it.
Positive way of looking at it.
He's also, on top of what he's doing, he's inspiring people.
amy schumer
Not me.
joe rogan
Because what he did is an incredible accomplishment.
Running 1,100 miles or whatever the fuck you wrote.
amy schumer
What did it inspire you to do?
What did you do?
joe rogan
It didn't inspire me to do anything.
It inspired a great feeling in me.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
I don't even know what the charity is.
amy schumer
You just thought that's amazing.
Well, you just appreciate humans like...
Doing amazing shit.
And I just, I'm like, eh.
Every year of the marathon, no, but I really like going down to the marathon in New York and like rooting.
So like everyone's so excited, it's like really emotional, but I'm like, you know.
joe rogan
Do you give a shit about the Olympics when the Olympics come around?
amy schumer
I, I, not the Winter Olympics.
I just cannot give a shit about the Winter Olympics.
But I like the, I like gymnastics.
I get into some, some Olympics.
joe rogan
You know what's the biggest tragedy in all sports is that the Olympics, that they don't pay the athletes.
amy schumer
Oh, I thought it was like Nancy Kerrigan being beat.
joe rogan
No.
Those are professional athletes.
You know, the idea that they're amateur athletes is fucking preposterous.
The amount of revenue that gets generated by their athletic performances is fucking staggering.
amy schumer
Wait, because it's so much?
joe rogan
Yes, it's an incredible amount of money.
amy schumer
But only a couple of them, right?
joe rogan
It's an incredible amount of money that the Olympics itself generates.
The Olympics itself.
When people are watching the Olympics, there's fucking millions of people around the world.
Untold millions watching at the same time.
And the advertising revenue is stupendous.
I mean, they must make unbelievable amounts of money.
It costs a lot of money to put it on.
It's not a free event.
But the amount of profit that's generated by the Olympics must be fucking phenomenal.
unidentified
Totally.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's an excellent opportunity for young athletes.
You know what would be more excellent?
Pay them, bitch.
amy schumer
That's so true.
joe rogan
Give them some fucking money.
amy schumer
These little girls.
joe rogan
Not a little money either.
A shit ton of money.
amy schumer
They throw away their entire childhoods and then one of them makes a lot of money.
There's like a dozen girls never getting their period so you could watch them for a week.
joe rogan
There should be some sort of scale where a certain amount of accomplishment leads to a certain amount of revenue.
amy schumer
Yeah, because that's the thing.
When you're younger, you're like, Oh, if you make it to the Olympics, you're just rich.
Like I thought it was like Hunger Games and you were like a victor.
You just like win so much money.
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
But really it's like, even ballerinas, I'm like, oh my god, only like a handful of you make it where you can make a bunch of money and still you're just beating your body to a pulp.
But then a lot of them like never even get there and make no money.
joe rogan
A lot of them, right?
Like what's the number?
amy schumer
I don't know.
I talked to a ballerina last season of my show and she said like if you're starring in a ballet, if you're like the New York ballerina, you make like I think under 500 a year.
joe rogan
And that's the best ballerina.
Do Olympic athletes actually make some money?
Okay, it does say this is the actual numbers.
The Olympic Committee awards cash prizes to Olympians who win a medal.
$25,000 for a gold, $15,000 for a silver, and $10,000 for a bronze.
But the money is considered earned income abroad and subject to IRX taxation.
So when you win an Olympic gold medal, you win $25,000.
amy schumer
That's so depressing.
joe rogan
That's a good wage.
If you're a fucking Burger King employee.
amy schumer
Yeah.
That's horrible.
joe rogan
It's unbelievable.
amy schumer
So what's the hope?
That you're like the one person that they're like, okay, now Nike or somebody wants to...
joe rogan
Exactly.
unidentified
That sucks.
joe rogan
You'll get sponsored.
You'll be sponsored by several different companies.
You'll make some money off of that.
And maybe you'll be able to do seminars and shit.
unidentified
To get the gold?
amy schumer
25 grand.
joe rogan
To get the gold.
amy schumer
I talked to a model also.
Motherfuckers.
I was like, what do models make?
But the ones at the very top of the game, of course, are making tons of money.
But...
The, like, really beautiful chicks that are working models make around that.
Like, they make, like, maybe 50 grand a year from that.
joe rogan
See, that's not what I've heard.
unidentified
Really?
joe rogan
Because, yeah, my buddy's dating this chick who is a model, and he tells me...
amy schumer
Like, modeling quotes?
She's banging...
joe rogan
No, she's, like, a real model.
amy schumer
A real model.
joe rogan
Like, she just doesn't advertise in campaigns, and she makes...
Sometimes she makes $6,000 a day, $15,000 in a day.
She's made as much as $25,000 in a day.
Just posing.
She's not famous.
She's young.
amy schumer
Yeah?
joe rogan
Yeah, she has stupid amounts of money.
I think it varies, is what I'm trying to say.
amy schumer
But even like...
joe rogan
If you're on a big campaign, I think it varies.
amy schumer
I know only like three models.
But they work, and they've gotten a campaign here and there.
They are on the runway.
And it sounds like once...
It's like a corporate.
Like once in a while, they'll have a pretty good payday, but it's not consistent.
And...
And it's not that much.
It didn't sound like that much to me for being that hungry all the time.
joe rogan
Well, some of them, isn't it?
It's just they can do it naturally.
Like some of them don't have to struggle as much.
amy schumer
Like weight loss?
joe rogan
They just have that body shape, that ectomorphic body shape.
amy schumer
Honestly, I've only talked to three models because it's not fun to be around them.
But even if they're naturally pretty thin, they still, before doing that stuff, had to do liquid stuff.
What's the thing where you shoot saline in your butthole?
joe rogan
You shoot saline.
Oh, that thing.
What the fuck are you talking about?
amy schumer
Oh, an enema.
They have to do something like enemas.
joe rogan
Oh, I thought it was like a treatment or something.
amy schumer
That thing you make me do before the show.
unidentified
Shut up!
amy schumer
I don't think this place seems that clean.
joe rogan
It's clean.
Trust me.
It looks rustic.
amy schumer
No, I love doing his podcast, but he's always giving me enemas right before.
It's so weird.
I trust him.
joe rogan
I don't want you to have to shit in the middle of the broadcast and ruin what I know is going to be the best podcast ever.
amy schumer
All right.
I guess you're right.
joe rogan
Let's pull through this, Amy Schumer.
You're right.
Enemas, where were we?
Oh, models.
What the fuck is it about anybody?
Like, why would anybody get really hung up on the idea of incredibly skinny people wearing their clothes?
amy schumer
I don't know, but it looks good.
joe rogan
But what I've heard is that it's like a hanger.
That's the idea, that you want them almost built like a hanger.
amy schumer
Well, I just had a fitting today, and it was with someone who knew what they were doing, which I haven't had that much of.
Right.
And she told me that it's all about proportion.
Because a lot of people, they think that I'm actually bigger than I am.
I'm a size six.
I don't know what that means.
Like, bigger than a four, smaller than an eight.
joe rogan
Okay.
amy schumer
Anyway, but then, like, they've been like, but on, like, there's some websites or whatever, because you can, like, be like, what's her bra size or what's her size?
unidentified
Oh, come on, really?
amy schumer
I mean, people will be like, yeah.
I think there's, like, websites that say I'm, like, a 12 or something, but whatever.
But anyway, it's all about proportion.
And not really about how big or small somebody actually is.
But these models that do the best that the clothes look the best, it is like a hanger.
They're basically frail up here.
But all clothes look dope on them.
But there's only a very small amount of chicks that you can work with.
joe rogan
I think there's also a very different feeling that a woman has...
True.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
There's a lot of things that girls do that other girls think look good.
Like there's certain ways that they'll dress or certain things that they'll buy.
Purses and shit especially.
That's really to impress other girls.
You cannot impress a guy with a purse.
But women are like really – some of them are like really into purses to impress each other with.
unidentified
Yeah.
amy schumer
Shoes.
I don't like – Shoes, purses, jewelry, I know nothing.
I don't have that.
I'm missing that.
joe rogan
Good for you.
amy schumer
That's probably why you're funny.
I can be like, oh, that girl looks great, but I don't even aspire to try it because it seems so out of my mind.
Out of my range.
But I can look at a girl and be like, wow, she's beautiful.
But I'm not like, ooh, I wonder what she looks like naked, obviously, because I'm not attracted to girls.
I sound like I'm defending myself.
But it's so weird to me.
But I understand it because I feel like when someone's really thin, all the things that we want to do naturally, like eat and fuck and everything...
We celebrate people that are able to abstain the most from that.
Like, oh god, she really knows how to starve herself.
We sort of celebrate people just keeping themselves from biology.
joe rogan
That's a big one for women, too, right?
The ability to abstain.
It's a badge of courage or something.
amy schumer
I don't know.
I can't do it.
joe rogan
Why should you?
amy schumer
It's out of my wheelhouse.
joe rogan
The idea that we're supposed to is so crazy.
The only problem with women is, of course, that there's so many guys that are pieces of shit.
Men are more dangerous physically in the pieces of shit that you run into, whereas women are more dangerous maybe financially in the pieces of shit that you run into.
amy schumer
What do you mean?
joe rogan
Well, you know, if a guy gets fucked over, usually guys get fucked over in a financial way, like divorces or they get set up.
Like, I've seen guys get set up and it's very disturbing.
amy schumer
I don't know any guy with any money.
unidentified
Like, I seriously have never even dated a guy.
joe rogan
I've met guys where I watched them go down.
I saw it happening.
They were not attractive.
They were uncomfortable with women.
And they had all of a sudden this really hot girl with them who slowly but surely stalks her way in this position and then bails with a ton of cash.
amy schumer
But then how, like, isn't that transparent?
Don't these guys that are 80, aren't they curious, like, why this beautiful Kate Upton lookalike, like, is in love with them?
joe rogan
It's because they're successful.
amy schumer
I'm suspicious of any guy who's better looking than me that wants to sleep with me.
I'm like, why?
Like, what do you think I can do for you?
unidentified
To prove them not gay!
joe rogan
Show you I'm not gay, I'm a shimmer.
amy schumer
But don't you wonder, and I know a lot of, not a lot, but I know a handful of women that had guys take their money.
Because I think women are even more susceptible to just wanting that love and being like, sure, joint checking, I'll buy a house in our name.
joe rogan
Well, I don't think it's mutually exclusive.
I mean, you can get ripped off no matter what your sex is, whether your sexual preference.
I'm sure gay guys rip each other off and gay women rip each other off.
As a matter of fact, I know they do.
amy schumer
I'm so like...
joe rogan
I know a gay woman who has to pay alimony.
amy schumer
My great-grandma was a bootlegger, and she was always like...
Yeah, her liquor store is still on 54th Street, Schumer's Liquors.
unidentified
Wow!
joe rogan
54th Street where?
amy schumer
In between Park and Lex.
Really?
Yeah, it's right across from Monkey Bar.
joe rogan
That is fucking awesome.
What a great story.
amy schumer
Yeah, but she was just pounding it into my head.
I think her husband tried to steal money from her, but she put it away.
She's always like, save your money.
joe rogan
Good for her.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, it can happen.
I mean, you get with the wrong person, the wrong guy, the wrong girl, whatever.
That can definitely happen.
But I think that happens more with men.
Men tend to be the ones who have more money in their relationships.
I'm not saying that women...
amy schumer
What do they make?
70?
joe rogan
I don't know what it is.
But whatever it is, I'm not saying that women can't make money.
Don't jump down my throat.
I'm not saying you.
I'm saying people out there on the internet.
amy schumer
I wish that I've ever dated a guy and had anything for me to steal.
Yeah, I make a good amount of money now, you know?
joe rogan
Yeah, now it's tough.
amy schumer
So it's weird.
Yeah, because guys are just like...
joe rogan
You have to start dating athletes.
amy schumer
Pass.
Pass.
joe rogan
Black ones, too.
amy schumer
First of all, I cannot pretend to be interested.
joe rogan
In what?
amy schumer
Basketball?
I like going to games, but I don't ever want to be wearing a jersey and being like...
I just don't want to do that.
joe rogan
Once they slip you that giant athlete dick...
amy schumer
Do you know I still haven't been with a black eye?
joe rogan
Isn't that pathetic?
amy schumer
Maybe I'm scared I'll be under the trance.
joe rogan
You will.
You'll be dancing.
You'll change.
You'll start wearing beads and shit.
amy schumer
I'll wear a jersey as a dress with a belt.
Big hoop earrings.
joe rogan
You go hardcore.
amy schumer
I'm on a VH1 reality show fighting with other chicks.
joe rogan
No, you'll avoid that.
You'll be fine.
amy schumer
I don't think so.
joe rogan
You're not going to change your personality entirely.
You're just going to crave the black dick.
amy schumer
No, you know, I had one encounter with a huge dick and I talked about it on my last special.
I tapped out.
I was like, no way.
joe rogan
Well, maybe the dude didn't know how to use it.
He was assaulting you with it.
unidentified
I mean, how many ways are there to use it?
amy schumer
Don't you just go like...
joe rogan
I don't even think about it.
amy schumer
Really?
When it's that big, what are you supposed to do?
You just have to like...
joe rogan
Stretch out your vagina.
amy schumer
Yeah, I was like, I'm not...
We're not going to have a life together.
I'm not going to power through this.
joe rogan
Well, how about powering through?
How about you change your shape?
How about stretches out?
Just like when a woman has children and her breasts stretch out and then deflate.
Imagine?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
If you're having sex with that guy on a regular...
Plus, he's a super athlete.
He's probably constantly horny.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
No.
Are athletes known as being more horny?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, for sure.
Without a doubt.
For real?
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, I would imagine.
amy schumer
I'm never in a relationship where it's like I have the same sexual appetite as the guy I'm dating.
It's either they are wanting it too much or it's me wanting it too much.
I've never really had it even out.
Have you?
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
Yeah, where it's been like...
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
That's good.
That's encouraging.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, it definitely happens.
I think it's way harder for a chick.
I mean, I'm just guessing.
amy schumer
I know it is.
joe rogan
Obviously.
amy schumer
I think so, because it's...
But I don't know.
If your girl is like, no, not tonight, does it hurt your feelings?
Are you like, what's wrong with me?
Or you're just like, uh...
joe rogan
No.
amy schumer
She's tired.
joe rogan
Or doesn't want to, or whatever.
amy schumer
Yeah, but also you've been...
If you're with somebody for a long time, it's different.
joe rogan
I don't think there's any reason why two people can't figure out that they're not sexually compatible.
And if you start dating each other and you get to a point where you're spending a lot of time together and then you hit that thing, look, I don't want it.
Whoa, okay.
We've got to figure out what's important here because there's a bunch of shit that's important here.
The big important one is caring about each other and having a good time together.
That's the number one, right?
amy schumer
Being buddies.
joe rogan
That's number one.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But number two is you like to fuck each other.
And if you don't put it at number two, what are you putting at number two?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
What is there?
What's number two?
Financial security?
I mean, what is it?
Coexisting interests?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
I have almost nothing...
co-interest with my wife.
There's not one thing that she likes, except a few TV shows and some art things.
But all of her hobbies, things that she enjoys, they're just her things.
And then we hang out and we have fun together.
You don't have to have the same mutual desires.
You don't have to be into the same sports.
I've actually heard guys say that they would never date a girl that doesn't watch sports.
Because the last thing you want is her complaining when you're watching sports.
Fuck that.
She doesn't watch sports.
I don't want to date them.
amy schumer
Yeah.
I have a scene on my show tomorrow night about that.
Oh, really?
I swear I'm not trying to work it in.
unidentified
That's awesome.
amy schumer
It's called Chick Who Can Hang.
And I just want to tell you about it.
But yeah, it's guys sitting around.
They're like, I just want a girl.
Like, oh, this girl Joey.
She had like a lantern jaw.
And like, you know, yeah.
Like, she does my fantasy pics.
And then you realize, like, they're just describing...
joe rogan
Dudes.
amy schumer
I know girls that are real into sports.
But the difference is I don't care about sports at all.
But I'm not like, and I don't want you to.
I'm busy and I'm psyched to do my thing and I have my interests.
And please, do you.
joe rogan
I saw a tweet once where a girl said that girls who are into football get bigger diamonds.
It was one of those Twitter pictures and a bunch of people retweeted it and I think it was a girl with a sexy football outfit on or something.
amy schumer
That's so awful and I feel like that's what girls see.
I've been going because the NBA is a big part of this movie that I'm going to do.
joe rogan
Oh shit, what did I say?
Amy gonna get some black dick for the first time.
amy schumer
I don't even know if I was allowed to say that.
joe rogan
Oh, don't say it.
It didn't happen.
Nobody remembers on the internet.
amy schumer
But anyway, like, you know, seeing these, just seeing the way women are represented on TV, like all these Real Housewives, like, just no one's doing, even if they're like, oh, we had like this luncheon for...
For charity, the thing that's getting edited and what we're seeing is you guys being monsters.
These shows, this is what girls are seeing.
I have no jewelry.
The girls that I'm close to, no one cares about a handbag.
No one gives a shit, but that's not the girls that you see on television.
They're all comics.
unidentified
It's Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, you're all a bunch of artists.
You're all trying to be comedians.
If a comic, like, all of a sudden became incredibly obsessed with keeping, like, an upstanding or attractive appearance, that would, like, immediately preclude a lot of the comedy.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, because you wouldn't be relaxed at all.
You'd be, like, such a—you're inciting, like, a look, a way of someone looking at you, like, look at her with their bag.
Yeah.
That dress probably costs a lot of money.
amy schumer
I can't believe that people care about that stuff.
And it's not that I think I'm better than that.
It's honestly insane to me.
It's insane to me that anybody would put value on...
It's so transparent.
Like, look, this is expensive.
I think that's so crazy.
joe rogan
I think you're totally right, but let's play devil's advocate.
What if you're just really into beautifully crafted things?
Whether it's a watch, or whether it's a car, or whether it's a purse, Isn't it possible that it couldn't...
I see that a lot of people, I believe you're right, a lot of people, they're watching that stuff and they're looking at different people that have different things and they want to show off.
They want to show everybody that they've got the purse that costs X or the shoes that costs Y or, oh my God, look at the size of the rock she's got.
There are certainly people that do that.
But isn't it possible that there's other people that could just enjoy a beautiful purse or enjoy a beautiful home?
amy schumer
I also haven't...
I haven't, like...
I don't know anyone with really expensive stuff.
So if someone was like, look at this watch, it costs 20 grand.
I've never seen that.
And maybe I'd be like, wow, that's amazing.
I'm about comfort and I like traveling.
My bed is expensive.
I like things that sort of lend themselves to experience.
But I haven't seen...
But you know what?
If you have so much money and you're like, oh, I want to get this beautiful thing, I understand that.
But I do know a lot of dudes that are posting pictures of their possessions they got.
joe rogan
On Instagram?
amy schumer
Yeah, and I'm like...
Yeah, it makes me like, oh, come on.
Like, you don't have to do that.
joe rogan
Well, some dudes have to.
amy schumer
But why?
What does that mean?
joe rogan
Well, they don't have to.
Of course, they don't have to.
amy schumer
But it's rappers.
It's like, rappers are like, I got this.
You know, and obviously...
I actually love hip-hop, but that was the lyric I just went to.
I've got this.
Like, I don't...
That's obviously not...
What they say.
But a lot of it is about possessions.
joe rogan
Showing your shit off.
Going on the Dub magazine cover with six cars.
Of course.
That's part of that culture.
amy schumer
So I think that's where that comes from.
It's attached to ego and alpha.
joe rogan
Well, it's also a culture that's rebounding from periods of extreme slavery, extreme poverty.
There's generation after generation of negative things.
The racism, the riots, the civil rights movement.
All those things are so recent.
It's hard for us to even wrap our heads.
unidentified
I know.
amy schumer
It's so recent.
It's humiliating.
joe rogan
We're so white, too.
We don't...
We don't feel it.
But I have friends that are half black, half white.
I have friends that are black.
I've seen the differences in how people react to them.
And it's fascinating to watch.
Big, dark black dudes get treated with fear everywhere they go.
amy schumer
It's hilarious.
That really is upsetting.
I never really paid that much attention to it because a couple of my best friends growing up were black.
No, they were black.
And I never really thought about it until going on auditions.
Because the sign in sheet would be like...
For the...
Whatever.
Susan.
And I sign in.
And then it's, like, drug dealer.
And then it's just, like, these black guys are coming in.
They're, like, signing in.
And I'm, like, oh, man.
Like, this is just what society has done.
They're, like, this is how we see you.
Like, these guys were great actors.
It's, like...
joe rogan
Listen, Amy, someone's got to play the drug dealer.
Wouldn't you want to be a great actor?
You want to be some real drug dealer?
What the fuck are you trying to say, you liberal bitch?
amy schumer
No, we had a...
This last season on the show, we had a guy, he was a mugger, and in the scene it was called Skip Therapy, and it's a really funny scene.
It's like, And Kyle Dunnigan, the comic, is in it.
And this guy steals my bag.
And we needed to be a stunt guy.
But I forgot that.
So the guy who came, he was this great stunt guy.
His name's actually Muhammad Ali.
joe rogan
Wow, that's his actual name?
amy schumer
It wasn't him, but that's his name.
And he came and I was like, we cast this black guy as the mugger?
Are you serious?
They were like, no, he's really great at martial arts and stunts and stuff.
joe rogan
The best is when you have a white mugger that doesn't look like a mugger at all.
amy schumer
Yeah, and you're like, oh, oh God, I hate when shows do that.
Was that on Seinfeld?
Like, there's some shows where they're like, the guy steals the purse, and you're like, oh my God, never has this guy even run before.
joe rogan
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah, I don't think we could ever even wrap our heads around what it would be like to be discriminated against solely, just completely based on the way you look and to have it feel like that's insurmountable.
And then once you do make it and you get big, I could see all the braggadocious behavior being exubulent behavior.
Exuberant.
amy schumer
Oh, I was thinking of that.
joe rogan
That's not a word.
I made it up.
amy schumer
Exuberant.
joe rogan
Sounds good, though.
unidentified
Jubilant and exuberant.
amy schumer
But what do you get?
People look at me...
Just getting on stage, you know, just like my first whatever, like 10 years, I feel like it was like...
It's like, ugh, this bitch.
I look like I'm going to be a dumb bitch.
joe rogan
You're so crazy.
You do not look dumb.
amy schumer
I look like I'm going to be a dumb bitch.
Yes, I do.
joe rogan
Are you saying dumb bitch meaning just a woman?
amy schumer
Just like a dumb white woman.
joe rogan
You think you'd look dumb?
amy schumer
I think I look like I've...
If I saw me in a mall, I'd be like, ugh.
unidentified
LAUGHTER Oh my god, that's so funny.
amy schumer
I mean, people have known who you are for so long.
But how do people like...
joe rogan
I look like a meathead, for sure.
amy schumer
Yeah, if I just passed you, I'd be like...
joe rogan
But I have a lot of meathead tendencies.
It's a rational prejudice to think of me as a meathead.
I mean, I'm a fucking cage-fighting commentator, for God's sake.
amy schumer
Right.
And I am a dumb bitch.
joe rogan
And I'm a dumb bitch, too.
I consider myself a silly bitch.
But...
I mean, there's...
But the problem is that we have this idea that everyone's so different and that these people that are so different can't be friends.
Like, I have friends that don't work out ever.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, Brian is my friend.
Brian has, like, just started working out after, like, four years he started working out.
And he smokes cigarettes constantly.
unidentified
When did he stop?
joe rogan
He's totally unhealthy.
I mean, he just stops.
Like, he's not, like...
Well, my point is, like, I'm not...
It's not like I can't hang out with other people that don't fucking lift weights and like to watch fighting.
amy schumer
My friends are all different.
I don't even think of you like that.
I mean, I know you're in shape and whatever, but that's not...
I mean, I've also spoken to you, but I don't know if I just walk past you.
joe rogan
I think it's easy to pigeonhole people.
And I think there's a lot of us that are a combination of things.
And that's the people that are most fascinating to me.
When I meet someone and I prejudge for whatever reason and think, oh, this person's probably this.
And then it turns out that they're a combination of things that I've never even met before.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Those are the greatest when you meet someone that doesn't fall in any category.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And you get to go, oh, I have misconceptions.
And then, like, this person is just a unique individual, completely on their own little trip, and cool to see.
And then that runs into your database, and now your spectrum sort of broadens a little bit.
Your ideas...
That's one of the things that I think one of the reasons why people get in like so many shit relationships because their spectrum is like super narrow.
They've only had like a narrow band of people and the type of experiences have been like really similar and negative over and over again.
amy schumer
But other than it just being a specific type, you know, socioeconomic, that kind of stuff, don't you think it's just like those patterns that were set up just real early on, just from young shit?
joe rogan
It definitely can be, for sure.
You also get it from your parents, I think.
Plus and minus.
I think some people see their parents involved in, like, really negative relationships and they completely change their gears.
And they just reject it, like, from the jump.
And then they don't take any shit from anybody.
They don't let anybody fucking turn them into a doormat.
amy schumer
Totally.
It's either or.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's either or sometimes.
amy schumer
Yeah, yeah.
I do that.
I do the, um...
unidentified
Either.
amy schumer
I do the former, yeah.
joe rogan
Of course.
That's where you're a comic.
amy schumer
I'm like, oh my god, you can't give me the love I need and you're a narcissist?
I'm like, come here, come here, come here.
I'm like...
joe rogan
Yeah, comics, that's part of the whole reason why we became comics is because we had a hole.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
We were trying to shove some funny in there and stuff up that hole.
amy schumer
Yep.
joe rogan
And anybody who doesn't have that hole, guess what?
amy schumer
Guess what?
joe rogan
You're not funny.
unidentified
Fuck you.
amy schumer
Go run 90 marathons.
I'm just kidding.
unidentified
I'm just kidding.
amy schumer
I respect what you did, Eddie.
joe rogan
Yeah.
I think it was only 46, too.
amy schumer
Let's not give him more credit than he's doing.
joe rogan
I mean, anybody can do 46. Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I think you can't be a comic unless you're unbalanced.
But I think somewhere along the line you can be balanced, at least I like to believe so, that you can balance it out.
amy schumer
You can?
joe rogan
Yeah, you can right the ship.
You just got to figure out what are your needs as far as your psychological needs and how do you meet those?
How do you maintain a good psychological existence?
amy schumer
Yeah, I feel like I'm getting healthier.
joe rogan
Yeah?
amy schumer
I hope.
joe rogan
Do you feel like that because you're more successful so you're more relaxed too?
That's got to benefit you a bit.
amy schumer
Um, I'm, I am more relaxed, but I don't, but it's just, yeah, I'm just, like, less stressed by some things, but I am having, like, sort of more pressure on me.
But I think it's just, like...
joe rogan
Right, showbiz pressure.
amy schumer
Yeah, but I think it's just, like, taking a step back and keeping the people close to you that will tell you, like, that was stupid or, like, you look like dog shit.
Just people keep it real.
So I have, like, people I trust.
Um...
joe rogan
And you keep it real for yourself, too.
I think so.
You're constantly questioning things.
Do you worry about that, though?
Because that is an issue with a lot of people.
People worry about becoming famous and then all of a sudden going cuckoo.
Because we've kind of seen it.
amy schumer
Yeah, definitely.
I do worry about...
Because I'm...
Every day, I feel like somebody slaps you in the face.
The way I started going out on the road was on the last Comic Standing tour.
And we had to do meet and greets after every show.
And sometimes it was like an arena.
It would be like 3,000 people, however many would wait.
And they voted for some people.
So some would come over to me and be like, my husband likes you.
So I just got used to...
And it was like 40 cities or something.
And I just got used to this defense that's just built into me now.
So, I've been trying to break down, forget my childhood insecurities, what happened just the first times I went out on the road.
So, I'm afraid my defenses got so built up that I had to really break them down so that I could sort of let the right ones...
But I am afraid that my defenses will get too strong because you'll see like really famous people that are like your idols or comics you love and you meet them and they're so disappointing because they're so withholding and it's like you're like yeah it's probably because they've been wronged by so many interactions.
But you still can't let that happen to you.
And so that is something that I am aware of.
And I don't want to let happen to me because I am I am like, you know, afraid of of somebody saying something or like hurting me or trying to take too much.
And you know what I think about it with Louie?
Louis C.K. When I first was interacting with him, he was kind of standoffish with me.
And he should have been.
Because I'm sure I wanted something from him.
Being a newer comic, you see someone.
And at the clubs, you just have this urgency as a comic.
And you don't know what to do.
No one can tell you.
This is what you do to be a better comic.
This is what you do to get work.
Even if they tell you, just get on stage as much as possible.
You can't hear it.
So Louis being so sort of guarded with me, he should have been.
And now we have a very nice rapport and it's always good to see him and we talk.
And I kind of resented him a little bit for being cold to me at first.
But I'm like, he should...
But I'm like, he should have been, because I'm sure, I didn't even know what I wanted from him, but I'm sure I wanted something from him.
So I get it, but also, like you were saying before, around the air, like just, you know, somebody, people project stuff onto you if they have like an interaction that's less than satisfactory.
But it's not about you, like you can't change how anybody feels about you.
So, but I'm, whatever, my long rant, my point is just like, I'm trying not to become an asshole.
And to give people the benefit of the doubt at least.
Like, I'll go into every interaction, like, hi.
And then if they say something to me that shuts me down, then that's, you know, at least I went into it open.
joe rogan
Right.
I feel what you're saying.
And I think that...
That concern is a good thing to have.
And it's cool that you're thinking like that because we all need to learn from the people that we've seen that have disappointed us.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
The people that we've seen that, you know, just for whatever reason, someone became a prick because they became famous.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And that's happened to a lot of comedians.
I've seen it.
I've seen it.
And they stop being funny, too.
There's another weird thing that happens.
They get a little too famous, too much adulation, too much, you know, they have a sitcom or something like that.
amy schumer
Or they want credit for, like, their new art they're doing.
Like, look, I know I was funny at one point, but now I play the standing bass, and, like, if you want to come see me, that's what you're going to get.
joe rogan
Who does that?
amy schumer
Well, I mean, like, it's not the standing base, but I'm just saying, I think, because I even will have those impulses, like, I don't want to be funny right now.
Just, you know?
But you're like, but then I'm like, bitch, that's how people know you.
joe rogan
But wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why don't...
You need a podcast.
That's what you need.
amy schumer
You always say that to me.
joe rogan
Amy Schumer, you need a goddamn podcast because you could, first of all, you're really good at it.
You're very smart.
You're very articulate.
You'd be fascinating at breaking things down.
But all those misconceptions would go away if people got to listen to you talk.
Then you wouldn't worry about if people knew you because you would put it out there.
So many times they would be like real clear.
amy schumer
But I'm not that worried about if people know me.
joe rogan
Right, but...
Well, okay, I see your point.
You're not really worried that people know you, but your interactions, you're worried about your interactions with people.
amy schumer
Yeah.
Yeah.
joe rogan
Okay.
You just want to make sure that they're as good as possible.
amy schumer
I want to know that I did my best and that I was open to having a nice interaction and making small talk and whatever.
I don't know what I want.
joe rogan
You know, we're talking about, like you were saying, you worry about getting detached.
You worry about becoming one of those people that gets goofy.
amy schumer
Yes.
One of the best ways to avoid that.
Oh, you think having a podcast keeps you grounded?
joe rogan
100%.
Because you get feedback all the time.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You constantly get updated and checked.
amy schumer
But what's the feedback?
Good for.
I mean, and I'm on Twitter.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm on Twitter.
And I do think you're right, though.
But then, like, I don't think it's good to reinforce negative feedback.
Like, someone will, you know, write, you know, like, you're disgusting.
And then you look and it's like, oh, they write to famous people all day.
joe rogan
Yeah, you just block them.
You don't have to interact with them.
unidentified
Right, you just block them.
amy schumer
I just, like, I would never reward, like, that.
joe rogan
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
I mean, sometimes people will have valid opinions about what you're doing.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Whether it's stand-up or whether it's a podcast or whether it's the fucking Upright Tuba or whatever you're doing.
Upright Tuba.
Whatever it is.
amy schumer
That's really funny.
joe rogan
Everybody has, you know, they're going to have opinions.
They're going to have opinions on everything you do.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But sometimes...
Having those opinions, if they're mostly swinging to the right side, they're mostly swinging to the good side, it gives you sort of a frequency that you know that they appreciate it.
You're tapped into this thing.
People love the Amy Schumer show.
Boom!
Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central.
Now Amy has a blog.
Hey, watch Amy do videos.
I'm going to go do laundry.
You tap into a certain vibe when you get a certain amount of feedback.
amy schumer
Yeah, and I feel like as a comic, you know, there's that urge to communicate, which I have.
But then there's also, I think also as a girl, there's a bunch of things, and I talk like very openly, and then some of that feedback, it makes you like, oh, should I not be sharing this much of myself?
Because, but then you're like, I'm like, no, I've made a decision.
Like, I'm going to live my life this way and try to make people laugh and maybe feel better.
joe rogan
Right.
unidentified
Right.
amy schumer
But then sometimes that's met where you're like, is it worth it?
Because this is so hard sometimes.
And I'm not just scared of somebody saying something mean to me.
It's also people not respecting your boundaries.
It's like a struggle.
I do have to work and be aware of not becoming...
Right.
joe rogan
Well, you're not really capable of filtering who knows you once you become famous.
And that's a big difference between that and just being an ordinary person going about your day, especially an ordinary woman going about your day.
Because so many men, like with women, take on an aggressive approach.
It's almost like It's almost commonplace, right?
The guy just aggressively comes up to girls and hits on them.
amy schumer
Women are just as aggressive, I find.
joe rogan
Sometimes, but it doesn't come with the physical threat that it feels like with a man.
Like, if a chick's aggressive with me, I'm always like, okay, it's a crazy bitch, I gotta get out of here.
But I don't, I go, oh my god, what if she follows me to my car?
amy schumer
That is true.
There is the added fun bonus of like, oh, this guy might try and sexually assault me.
joe rogan
Might try to rape you.
Yeah.
I mean, that's less fearful when you're a man.
I mean, you always could worry about someone doing something to you.
amy schumer
To be honest with you, it's a real bummer to know that you could be sexually assaulted.
joe rogan
I mean, I can imagine, but I couldn't.
It's like I also couldn't imagine being pregnant.
There's a lot of things I could pretend to imagine, but I really can't imagine them.
amy schumer
I can't imagine not drinking for nine months.
I'm like, wow, that's my Eddie Izzard marathon.
I'm like, what?
unidentified
What?
amy schumer
I'm like, can you just have a press conference?
unidentified
I have a couple questions.
joe rogan
You know, people drank while they were pregnant for years.
And some of the greatest people that were ever created were created by people who drank.
amy schumer
My mom always says that she drank through all four pregnancies.
But I only have two siblings.
No, I'm just kidding.
joe rogan
Well, I think you're allowed to have a little wine.
I think like a small glass of wine is actually good for your body.
And it relaxes you.
amy schumer
Right, but I hear that.
And then I would be like...
How about a bottle?
This baby wants an Ambien.
unidentified
This baby wants to get fucking fucked up!
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
I'm probably barren.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
joe rogan
I bet you're not.
Find one of them black athletes when you're doing that show.
Get some of that super sperm.
Squirt!
You'll have twins before you even know it.
amy schumer
What if a year from now I come back and I'm like, I've got twins.
I've got little half black babies.
joe rogan
The crazy thing is all I did was jerk them off.
unidentified
Nuts.
joe rogan
He came all over my tits.
I'm like, you did this.
The next thing I know, I was pregnant.
I mean, I was adamant.
I don't want kids.
amy schumer
I take you to court for alimony.
joe rogan
They fucking ran.
You don't need any money.
They ran through the lines in your crotch like fire ants.
unidentified
Holy crap.
joe rogan
The sperm just, they're different.
amy schumer
What is a sperm?
joe rogan
They move.
They swim.
They swim on land.
They're fucking flopping around.
amy schumer
Is this the beginning of an ad for Onnit?
joe rogan
Yeah.
They're flopping around like those fish, those snakefish that come out.
What are those snakehead fish that come out of water and they walk on the land until they find some new water?
amy schumer
Ursula from The Little Mermaid?
joe rogan
No, a real fish.
God damn it.
Have you ever seen that?
amy schumer
I saw the movie Piranha in 3D. Did you really?
I didn't know it was going to be 3D, so I was so psyched.
When they gave us the glasses, I was like, what?
It was one of the best surprises of my whole life.
joe rogan
I used to have piranhas, allegedly.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
Yeah, I had a bunch of them.
I used to feed them goldfish, allegedly.
unidentified
This is all fiction.
amy schumer
Is it illegal to have...
joe rogan
Really?
Many decades ago.
amy schumer
Why?
unidentified
Why is it illegal?
joe rogan
Because they're dangerous or what?
Yeah, you could send them into, if you were an asshole, you could put them in a lake somewhere and they'd go in the non-native waters and they would wreak havoc.
And that's happened to a bunch of different fish species.
I think the snakehead was one of them, actually.
If it's not the snakehead, it's a different fish.
There's a walking fish.
Is that it?
amy schumer
Ew.
Oh my god, I don't need something else to be scared of.
joe rogan
Invades New York City.
Some people threw these fish in the pond that's in Central Park because they thought it was funny.
And so now these things are living in the pond and just destroying everything.
When I was there, I saw some fish, some big giant fish, attack something else in the water.
Just this big froth of water.
And then whatever had happened, you know, happened.
amy schumer
In what water was it?
joe rogan
There's a pond in Central Park.
You know that big pond?
In that water, there's some crazy-ass fish.
amy schumer
This is in Central Park.
joe rogan
Yeah, monster fish in Central Park.
Does it attack anything, or can you just see it?
Oh, that's it right there.
You barely can see it.
Yeah, that's a snakehead fish.
Those things eat ducks.
They'll eat anything.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
joe rogan
They're like super hardy too.
Like once you get them in an ecosystem, you have to essentially kill everything in that lake to get them all out.
amy schumer
What did they do?
They just fished?
joe rogan
They just wreck havoc, eat everything, and then become cannibals.
unidentified
Ew!
amy schumer
Oh!
I'm so afraid all the time.
joe rogan
It says, if you see this fish, see a terrifying fish with teeth in Central Park, kill it immediately.
It's too late.
The problem is these things are just shooting out eggs and sperm and breeding like crazy.
This is like Predator.
Remember that movie Predator?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
If Predator landed and just started killing all the people, that's what it's like for that thing.
That thing going into the pond in Central Park, it's like, woohoo, let the party begin.
amy schumer
That is such a bummer.
joe rogan
There's lions.
A lion just got led into the fucking zebra cage at the zoo.
That's what it's like.
amy schumer
Oh, I was like, that happened.
joe rogan
Well, it could happen.
That's what's happening with this fish.
That's what it's like.
A super predator just got introduced into this humble ecosystem.
amy schumer
That's really depressing.
We're about to film on that pond.
joe rogan
Well, you might watch murder behind you.
Fish murder.
But the fish is like the worst thing you could ever see for a creationist.
The fish walking on the ground and walking to the next pond.
Because if you're a creationist and you see that, you go...
amy schumer
Yeah, but don't creationists do that all day, looking at everything?
joe rogan
Yes.
With denial.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, but this is one of the most preposterous things ever.
Have you ever seen one of these things walk?
amy schumer
No, I'm so grossed out just by seeing its mouth.
Every time I come here, I leave upset because of the videos.
Last time I was here, you showed me.
joe rogan
The guy that got fucked by the horse?
Did I show you that?
amy schumer
Yes, thank you.
joe rogan
You're welcome.
unidentified
Thank you.
joe rogan
You're welcome.
This is nothing nearly as disturbing, but there's a video in the Congo where I think it's prehistoric fish eaten by dinosaur bird.
That's what it says.
There's this crazy bird called a shoebill.
And the shoebill is like five feet tall with an enormous beak.
Its beak is like a giant hatchet.
Its beak is literally like an axe on its face.
It's a huge beak.
And this bird is something out of another era.
There used to be birds like that that were seven feet tall that lived in North America.
And they don't fly.
They just sort of run around and attack things.
They're predatory birds.
amy schumer
Then why is it a bird?
joe rogan
Like a penguin.
Penguins don't fly either.
amy schumer
And they're like, look, we're birds.
joe rogan
Yeah, we're birds, bitch.
amy schumer
Please do not fuck with us.
Did you see that Dinosaur 3D movie that's available right now on Netflix?
joe rogan
I did not see it.
amy schumer
Is it good?
It's really good.
It's a little kid movie?
No, it's not animated.
And there aren't that many dinosaurs in it, but it's really worth it.
joe rogan
This is a different thing.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
This is not the dinosaur movie.
amy schumer
Donald Sutherland.
That's the dad?
He narrates it and it's really good.
joe rogan
I obviously am psyched by 3D. Oh, so it's a recreation of what they looked like?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Modern Jurassic Park style?
amy schumer
Yeah, and it ends, spoiler, with a big...
It's not a pterodactyl, but it kind of looks like an ostrich.
It just looks like some sort of prehistoric sort of evolving bird that's so awesome.
joe rogan
Ostrich is another good example of a bird that doesn't really fly, right?
They don't fly.
amy schumer
They don't do shit.
joe rogan
They fuck you up.
They'll kick the shit out of you.
amy schumer
They fuck you.
I saw that video.
joe rogan
They try to fuck people?
amy schumer
Why do I think I've talked about this in here before?
I remember being real traumatized by seeing a guy laying there blindfolded and he doesn't know what's fucking him and it's an ostrich.
joe rogan
Well, that's not me.
amy schumer
You never saw that?
joe rogan
No.
By the time that happened, I'd already given up on watching people get fucked by animals.
amy schumer
Don't say that, Joe!
joe rogan
I'll tell you right now.
I'm done.
There was a certain time a few years back where if you said, hey, here's a link, a guy's getting fucked by an ostrich.
amy schumer
You're clicking on it.
joe rogan
I would click it, but not today.
Today I would be like, again, whatever.
amy schumer
I want to call your bluff so bad.
joe rogan
You wouldn't call my bluff because honestly...
amy schumer
I don't know where it is.
joe rogan
If it was something absolutely fantastic where no one had ever seen anything like it before, then I'll click on it.
But I don't watch some dude get fucked by an animal.
amy schumer
No.
unidentified
I'm done.
amy schumer
Pass.
joe rogan
D-U-M. Done.
amy schumer
Don't even try it.
joe rogan
Something like that starts a fucking pinwheel in your head.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Starts spinning around.
amy schumer
I don't like that.
joe rogan
Like, how'd this guy ever get to that point?
What did he start out as?
He used to be a baby one time.
What did his parents do to him?
amy schumer
That's me watching porn.
That's me watching any porn.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, that's a problem, right?
amy schumer
I mean, I'll power through it, but still.
joe rogan
Well, I always look at it and go, well, yeah, I'm gonna fix them now.
amy schumer
Yeah.
Too late?
joe rogan
Lessons with some dick.
amy schumer
God has a plan.
joe rogan
Yeah, you can't fix them, unfortunately, but that is exactly how you should feel if you're sort of a humane person.
amy schumer
Thank you.
joe rogan
You see them and you go, oh, these poor people, probably the victim or something.
amy schumer
And you don't call them them.
unidentified
Them?
joe rogan
These poor people?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
These?
Can you call them these poor people?
amy schumer
Those people.
The people that fuck for money.
joe rogan
It's a weird thing that everybody watches that, but nobody admits to it.
A lot of people don't like to admit to porn.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
Watching it?
Yeah.
amy schumer
I don't know anyone in my life that doesn't watch porn.
joe rogan
Wow, you hang out with different people than me.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
I don't know a single dude who doesn't watch porn.
amy schumer
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
But girls?
You know a lot of girls who watch porn?
amy schumer
All my friends watch porn.
joe rogan
Your friends are all freaks.
amy schumer
But no, no, when I was younger, I was like, I did not like porn, like, at all.
I remember I had a boyfriend, I was like 23 or 4, and I was like, I thought I was like cheating.
And then I grew up.
And then you're like, oh wait, this is awesome.
joe rogan
For a lot of guys, 23 is when, that's the age cutoff.
So they don't get to that new mature woman, they just find another girl's angry at porn.
amy schumer
Oh.
No, I really, I, no, I really like it.
joe rogan
I have friends that are like that, though.
When a girl gets to like 23, they completely lose interest.
amy schumer
Yeah?
joe rogan
And they move on.
Yeah.
amy schumer
No, you don't know girls are like...
Yeah, all my girlfriends...
Again, they're all comedians, but...
joe rogan
I think that girl comedians are probably just a completely different animal.
amy schumer
I guess.
joe rogan
If I had to guess.
amy schumer
I don't know.
You know, yeah, I thought...
joe rogan
They're a little wilder, crazier.
amy schumer
I don't even think so.
I don't think so.
I don't think I'm any wilder or crazier.
I think I'm probably, like, pretty boring.
But I, you know, like having sex.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's not wrong with saying that on the radio or a podcast.
amy schumer
No, I don't know why it's, like, so...
joe rogan
Why is that a thing?
I mean, it feels good.
It's okay to say you like massages.
amy schumer
People always ask me, like in local press, they're like, why do you talk about sex so much?
I'm like, it's the most interesting thing we do as people.
I think...
Like, why wouldn't I want to talk about...
I think it's, like, really funny.
Why, you know?
And it's not that I think...
I think I'm probably having, like, pretty mundane sex compared to everybody else.
Pretty basic.
But just, like, just hearing a girl, like, mention it just kind of makes people, like, why?
I don't...
This is just judging by doing, like, local...
joe rogan
Right, well you gotta think about different people's, like the jobs they have and the amount of restraint that's required to keep a job at an office where you're not allowed to talk about anything freaky for like eight hours a day.
amy schumer
You're right.
I haven't had like an office, even before stand-up I was just like bartending.
joe rogan
Yeah, you're like Ari Shafir but you're a woman.
amy schumer
Thank you.
joe rogan
You're a comic.
Your perceptions, why they would be upset at you for talking about sex or liking sex.
Because to them, it's like a mind blower.
She talks about sex all the time.
She just talks about liking it.
amy schumer
But it's not that I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe there's not something in my body right now.
I feel like I have a totally normal sexual appetite.
Totally normal.
I probably watch porn twice a week.
joe rogan
The controversy is just talking about it, talking about a sexual appetite at all.
That's the controversy.
amy schumer
But, like, that's so weird, I think.
Even, I just, you know, did some shows on NPR, and, like, there, they act like they've never experienced penetration before.
joe rogan
Well, you remember what happened with Sarah Silverman when she did that TED Talk, and they completely censored her.
They pulled it down.
amy schumer
But that was about, like, a kid being retarded.
joe rogan
The TED Talk?
amy schumer
The TED Talk was not about sex.
Wasn't it just her act?
joe rogan
I thought it was her act.
amy schumer
I thought it was the joke, and I don't remember what the joke was.
joe rogan
Okay, let's find out.
We should find out since we're talking about it.
Sarah Silverman, TED Talk.
amy schumer
Yeah, I don't think it was sexual.
I think it was making that joke.
joe rogan
But she's so sexual.
amy schumer
Is she?
I don't think of Sarah as super sexual.
joe rogan
Oh my god, are you kidding me?
Her act is very sexual.
It's very dirty.
It's hilarious.
amy schumer
Oh, she's hilarious.
joe rogan
But it's very...
Ted vs.
Sarah Silverman fight turns really retarded.
amy schumer
Yeah, it was about that.
joe rogan
Okay.
Known for her shock and insult humor, was invited to give a TED Talk.
She subsequently trashed TED organizer Chris Anderson, who tweeted, I know I shouldn't say this about one of my own speakers, but I thought Sarah Silverman was god-awful.
amy schumer
I can't believe he wrote that.
joe rogan
He's a bitch.
amy schumer
I'm real disgusted.
joe rogan
The problem was that Silverman kept using the word retarded to fight Sarah Palin's recent rant about the word.
The whole talk flew right over the Ted crowd.
So, wow.
That is hilarious.
Anderson deleted his tweet, but Silverman hit back today with her own, saying that kudos to Ted Criss for moving Ted...
For making Ted an unsafe haven for all.
You're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates' asshole.
amy schumer
That's awesome.
joe rogan
I love her response.
Oh my god, she crushed him.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates' asshole.
amy schumer
That's so good.
joe rogan
Oh my god, that is beautiful.
unidentified
That's poetry.
amy schumer
That's Shakespeare.
joe rogan
Oh my god, that's so funny.
And then Steve Case waded into the fight to defend Anderson.
He tweeted, shame on you to Silverman, adding, the sad thing is you're not that funny.
You lose.
You lose just for saying that, stupid.
Shame on you, you lose.
Unless you're being silly.
amy schumer
Right there, you lose.
joe rogan
Like, if you say something to me and I say, shame on you.
Shame on you, Amy Schumer.
Or, how dare you, Amy Schumer.
That's...
I'm joking.
This guy is shame on you for real.
So when you say shame on you for real...
amy schumer
You're out.
joe rogan
You lose.
amy schumer
You're out of the running.
joe rogan
The game's over.
The sad thing is, you're not that funny.
Oh, no.
What...
Okay, you explain to me the whole barnacle on Bill Gates asshole line then.
amy schumer
That's a killer line.
joe rogan
Because that shit is hilarious.
The fuck out of here, you're not that funny.
amy schumer
Do a TED Talk on why that's not funny and...
joe rogan
Silverman's response was, you should be nicer to the last person on earth with an AOL account.
She got him too!
Boom, bitch!
The fight between Silverman and Case continued, but you get the picture.
Oh, that's beautiful.
unidentified
Good for her.
joe rogan
Well, that happened when Salon.com went after Patton Oswalt and he crushed them.
amy schumer
It's just so arbitrary.
You have no control over what somebody picks up on what happens like that.
I mean, of course, if you go on some rant where you're saying racist shit, that's ridiculous.
But for comics, it's just a slow news day.
And they're like, this was a problem.
People just choose.
Norton, after people were getting really mad at me about a joke I made about Steve-O on the Sheen roast, and Norton, he stood up for me and was like, your selective outrage.
joe rogan
Was it Steve-O or the guy who died?
amy schumer
The joke was saying that we all wished...
joe rogan
Why couldn't it be Stivo?
amy schumer
Yeah, that was a joke.
They made the same joke about Geraldo with Anthony Jeselnik, but...
joe rogan
But it's a comic.
You're allowed to do that.
Comics are allowed to do that.
amy schumer
Stivo's on the road.
joe rogan
Oh, I know.
He's a comic.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Well, listen, I'm with you.
amy schumer
Yeah.
I know you're with me.
joe rogan
It's one of those things where you go, yikes!
But hey, with comedy, it's always who's going to be the first person to make the yike.
amy schumer
I honestly didn't think it was going to be that much of a yikes.
joe rogan
When a sweet looking girl like you does it, it's going to get an extra impact.
amy schumer
I honestly didn't think that was going to be that big of a yikes.
joe rogan
Wow.
amy schumer
I wasn't going for the headline on BuzzFeed, I swear.
joe rogan
I would definitely think it would be a yike.
I don't know what the fuck you were thinking.
amy schumer
Man, I swear, I was really surprised because it wasn't a big deal.
It wasn't a big deal in the room.
It was like, we're all hitting hard, right?
I just didn't even think that was going to be a big deal, honestly.
joe rogan
I just think that's comics.
amy schumer
I'm used to sitting around with those guys at the cellar.
joe rogan
Yeah.
And it's fun.
amy schumer
It's how we communicate.
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
I can't tell you where half of these guys who are my best friends grew up, but I'm ready with so many insults for them.
If one of them walks back wearing a stupid jacket, I can't wait.
I can't wait.
joe rogan
Norton is awesome at that, too.
amy schumer
Everybody's awesome at that.
Oh, my God.
Norton has crushed me so many times.
joe rogan
Norton talked about this funny story.
He talked about it on Opie and Anthony where he had a slice of pizza and Louis C.K. saw him on the street and just slapped a slice of pizza to the ground and called him a faggot.
Just for no reason.
And he starts laughing when he's telling the story.
And he's like, oh, it was a juicy pizza pizza too.
It was a nice one.
amy schumer
So good.
joe rogan
It's just so good.
You couldn't do that to another person.
They wouldn't appreciate the humor and the inappropriateness.
amy schumer
But it makes us so happy.
The other night we were just playing Keith Robinson when he got eliminated from Star Search.
We were playing it over and over again in front of him.
joe rogan
And by the way, don't think that you can come up to Amy Schumer and slap her fucking pizza down.
That's not what we're saying.
amy schumer
You have to be a comedian.
You have to be a friend.
joe rogan
You have to know each other, you son of a bitch.
amy schumer
You have to be a good friend.
But that's so funny.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Oftentimes.
amy schumer
Attell is the best.
Attell.
Did you see his special road work?
joe rogan
I heard it's awesome.
amy schumer
It's so funny.
You can get it.
joe rogan
I'm so happy that he's doing well again.
amy schumer
His show looks dope.
joe rogan
He's fucking hilarious.
amy schumer
I think he's the funniest guy alive.
joe rogan
That guy is fucking hilarious.
I don't think there is a funniest guy alive, but he's one of my favorites, that's for sure.
amy schumer
Yeah, but he, I was sitting at the table with my, just sitting around with a bunch of female comics, and we were all, like, eating, like, dessert.
It was, like, a really, like, sad moment.
He just walks up, we're like, hey, Dave.
He's like, oh, what are you guys having?
No boyfriend a la mode?
unidentified
And just, like, keeps walking.
Ha ha ha!
We were all just like, do you know every bite of that like tiramisu was like the saddest.
joe rogan
Oh, that's so funny.
amy schumer
But it's just like, no boyfriend, I don't know.
And he just like, we're like, hey Dave, he didn't even see us until he turned and then just boom, fired at us and kept going.
Just like...
joe rogan
Right off the cuff.
Boom.
He's definitely one of the best joke writers out there.
amy schumer
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Because he's got so much of his act is jokity-joke-joke-joke, jokity-joke-joke-joke, you know?
amy schumer
So funny.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's hilarious.
That skanks for the memories, one of my favorite CDs ever.
amy schumer
So good.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It's a nice time to be a comedy fan.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
A lot of good comics out there now.
It's just a totally different experience than it was 20 years ago, I think.
I think a lot of it is probably because of the internet.
Like, more people have an avenue.
There's more demand for comedy.
amy schumer
But I even think...
Staying at some comedy condos on the road, they'll have VHSs of old specials, and a lot of them are pretty shitty.
It'll be kind of topical, and there is that off-the-cuff...
That movie Punchline, how it had Sally Fields coming out at the end, kind of just winging it and it working out as a comic, that just set up a whole, I think, wave of people being like, maybe I'm amazing at comedy and I don't know it.
joe rogan
Well, that movie was so bad.
amy schumer
The stand-up in that movie was so rough.
joe rogan
It was so obviously not real stand-up.
It was like they were faking it and the audience reaction was fake.
You can't do that.
It doesn't work with stand-up.
You can fake being a fucking union boss and screaming at the fucking people in the yard.
But if there's an artificial feeling to that, it's not nearly as offensive as the artificial feeling of watching Tom Hanks kill it with nonsense.
amy schumer
That was so brutal.
Like, oh, he's just talking.
joe rogan
Yeah, you could see he probably could be a comic.
He had good delivery, good setups.
amy schumer
Who's doing the Pryor movie?
I don't know if they cast who's going to play Richard Pryor yet, but I was like...
joe rogan
Wasn't it going to be Eddie Griffin at one point in time?
amy schumer
I don't know, but I hope it's a comic.
joe rogan
It has to be.
amy schumer
I don't know.
I don't know.
joe rogan
It would have to be.
I mean, I would think it would have to be, but even then, it's not going to work.
amy schumer
I know.
joe rogan
One guy pulled it off, ever.
amy schumer
What, playing a comic?
joe rogan
Dustin Hoffman.
You ever see Lenny?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
It's fucking brilliant.
amy schumer
Yeah?
joe rogan
It's fucking brilliant.
amy schumer
How did he get ready for it?
He did everything.
Did he go on the road or anything?
joe rogan
That's a really good question.
I don't know what he did, but what he did do when he did the movie is get Lenny Bruce down to a fucking T. Yeah.
It was incredible.
I mean, it was one of the best performances of his career, and very few people know about it.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, very few people outside of stand-ups even know who Lenny Bruce was.
amy schumer
Lenny Bruce or like Bill Hicks?
joe rogan
Bill Hicks more.
More people know who Bill Hicks is.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But Lenny Bruce is just sort of a name.
You know, like a fucking Sid Caesar.
You know what I mean?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's like one of those names you don't really ever see their work.
amy schumer
No, you've heard it, but yeah.
joe rogan
Red Buttons.
Oh, that guy.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I've heard of him.
We don't sit around, unless you're like a real...
amy schumer
Yeah, that's something I like to do on the road is go on record stores and listen to whatever comedy albums they have.
Oh, that's cool.
That's really fun.
Well, first of all, it's sad that I'm like, and then I'll do this today when I'm in a city.
There's a sadness to it.
And it also keeps me up because I feel bad.
joe rogan
But why is that sad?
amy schumer
Yeah.
I think being a stand-up is such an isolating life.
But I will be like, I look forward to my couple things I like to do in cities.
I don't know.
I think everything about being a stand-up is sad.
unidentified
Really?
amy schumer
I think so.
unidentified
Do you go on the road with other friends?
amy schumer
Well, I have Mark Normand, who's hilarious, opens for me.
Or I have my friend Bridget Everett.
Actually, now she closes for me.
She's hilarious.
She's a cabaret singer.
She closes for you?
Yeah.
No one can follow her.
joe rogan
What does she do?
amy schumer
She does Montreal.
She'll do the nasty show, but she'll have to close it because it's not stand-up.
She's a singer.
She's an amazing singer.
joe rogan
Is she the one who does that Hannibal Buress show?
amy schumer
She just did Hannibal's show with Method Man.
joe rogan
I keep saying Burress.
It's Burress.
amy schumer
It's Burress, yeah.
joe rogan
I always do that.
I've known it, too, for years.
I don't think you care.
amy schumer
I bet you guys were funny together.
Yeah, he's a funny dude.
joe rogan
So I've seen her.
I saw her.
He showed me a video.
He said she's incredible.
amy schumer
She's a killer.
So at first, I just want people to see her.
She's the only...
I do stand-up on my show, and I'll do an interview.
And the only time I don't do an interview is if she's performing.
She's in a band with Ad-Rock.
She's such a badass.
But I was like, I just need people to see her.
Bridget Everett.
And so she came on the road with me, and I was like, man, she's such a closer.
But then I was like, I still want her to come out with me.
So I just would do an hour, and then I'd be like, that's the show, and I have a special guest.
And I have her come out, because I feel like she changes people's lives with how amazing she is as a performer.
joe rogan
Wow.
amy schumer
You laugh so hard and it just, I don't know, it just like changes.
joe rogan
High praise.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
joe rogan
That's awesome.
And you buddies in real life?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
See, that makes the difference for me.
amy schumer
Yeah, you travel with your friends.
joe rogan
Like going on the road, always.
Always travel with my friends.
amy schumer
But don't you just have one person open for you?
joe rogan
Sometimes two.
amy schumer
Oh, okay.
joe rogan
That's nice.
unidentified
I've done two.
joe rogan
I've done three before.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, I've done three.
amy schumer
That would be really fun.
We got to go out on a bus this time.
And it was fun because Mark Norman has been opening for me.
And he's hilarious.
But Bridget, what she does, she goes out into the crowd.
It's such a physical thing.
joe rogan
Yeah, I've seen some of the videos.
She sits on dudes' laps and sings to them and shit.
amy schumer
She'll motorboat anybody.
Her act is so killer.
But it's been so cool because Mark started opening for me four or five years ago.
joe rogan
So the answer is yes.
You like to go on the road with your friends.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
So when you go on the road with your friends, doesn't it make it less sad because you're all just having a good time together?
amy schumer
Yeah.
Totally.
Totally.
That doesn't erase the 10 years.
joe rogan
A long time ago, I figured that shit out way early.
I took a pay cut way early to do that.
amy schumer
Right.
Because it's just two.
joe rogan
Yeah.
And I would even get grief about it.
They would say, well, you know, it costs you this much to file this person out and that much to hire them and, you know, you're making this much less because I'm like, so what?
amy schumer
Well, no, I got my sister traveling with me and my brother-in-law.
We have a camp.
We have a little camp, and that's why the road has been really sweet lately.
joe rogan
That's nice.
amy schumer
It's fun.
joe rogan
That's definitely a good thing.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Also, I find I feel funnier when I'm hanging out with all my friends because we're all laughing at each other.
amy schumer
Right, and it keeps you down.
You're not going to be like, yeah, you get too serious.
joe rogan
Like I'm doing Orlando on Thursday with Joey Diaz.
amy schumer
Nice.
joe rogan
Or Friday, actually.
This Friday.
We leave Thursday.
amy schumer
What's the...
joe rogan
It's going to be some theater, but we're just going to have so much fun.
I mean, it's like I can't imagine not having fun hanging out with Diaz all day.
amy schumer
Totally.
joe rogan
We're going to have a great time.
amy schumer
You're going to laugh.
You'll laugh all day.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
So the road is like home, you know, because Joey's family and we've been together, we've been friends for fucking forever now.
amy schumer
Then you go get dinner after.
joe rogan
Yeah, we'll have lunch.
amy schumer
Have an activity, yeah.
joe rogan
Joey will go to the gym and tell me about his fucking jiu-jitsu class.
Joey's going to jiu-jitsu now.
amy schumer
Really?
To defend his kid?
joe rogan
Yeah, he's doing kettlebell swings and shit.
No, he's just doing, trying to be healthy, you know, doing a little exercise.
amy schumer
That's awesome.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's the most fun guy ever to hang out with.
amy schumer
Yeah, we have fun on the road.
The first time I did Orlando, when Mark opened for me, and we stayed at this hotel, and it had a water slide.
Ah, that's awesome.
Yeah, I was like, oh my god.
And it made me go do that club again, because I was like, well, they've got that water slide at that hotel.
joe rogan
Dude, water slide.
There was a place in Phoenix where you used to do the Tempe Improv that had a water slide.
It was fucking awesome.
amy schumer
Just like the reasons you say yes.
unidentified
So much fun.
amy schumer
In comics, you know, you're like, oh god, that club is super weird, but the hotel's good.
Like, they do a free hour of drinks.
You're like, oh, okay, I guess I'll do it again.
joe rogan
You know what else has a water slide?
Is the Hard Rock in Florida.
amy schumer
In Hollywood, Florida.
joe rogan
Yes, in Hollywood, Florida.
Me and Tate, my friend Tate, we had a couple hours to kill before our flight, and we found out about the water slide.
amy schumer
You did the inner tube for two.
unidentified
We're like, fuck yeah!
joe rogan
We water slided for like two hours before we had to leave.
amy schumer
Hell yeah!
joe rogan
It was so much fun.
There were tunnels and shit.
You go shooting out the bottom of a tunnel.
amy schumer
So good.
We were there the second time we went back, and there was a family, I guess they were Muslim, they were wearing burkinis.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
amy schumer
Do you know this?
joe rogan
That's real?
amy schumer
Yeah.
All the girls were in bikini.
Yeah.
A bikini.
But it's a burka.
joe rogan
Okay.
amy schumer
A waterproof burka.
joe rogan
So their face is covered or their whole body is covered?
amy schumer
It was their eyes were out or their face is out and everything else was covered.
joe rogan
Jamie, pull up a bikini.
Jesus Christ.
unidentified
Boom!
joe rogan
I gotta see this.
That can't be real.
amy schumer
Yeah, and I was like, man, I want that.
Like, why can't...
joe rogan
Jesus Christ.
amy schumer
I would have gone on the water slide ten more times than that.
joe rogan
That literally freaks me out.
amy schumer
What?
That chick looks so...
First of all, that chick does not look like the people that were at the water park with us.
joe rogan
But that freaks me out.
amy schumer
That chick's name is like Kelly.
joe rogan
Come on.
That is so insane.
unidentified
Look at these.
amy schumer
Burkini.
joe rogan
That is insane.
It's just...
It's insane that...
amy schumer
They look so happy.
joe rogan
You're being cute.
It's insane that culture forces that.
That's one of the most insane things in 2014. That's fear, right?
amy schumer
Isn't that just fear of women?
unidentified
I guess.
joe rogan
It's also a pattern.
It's a religious pattern.
That religious pattern.
One on the left, pow, pow, pow!
unidentified
Hello!
joe rogan
The one on the right, now, now, now, now, now.
Jesus, you ain't fixing that.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Poor girl.
amy schumer
I went to Dubai once for stand-up and it was a real bummer.
joe rogan
It's a bummer.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's a bummer seeing people, and you know, they don't think it's a bummer because they're used to it.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's a bummer for you, though, if you have freedom to dress however you want and you see something like that and you just go, what's going on?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Why only the women?
Like, how come the men can wear shorts and you can wear whatever the fuck you want?
Like, what?
amy schumer
Right.
joe rogan
Can they, though?
I don't know.
I mean, a lot of the men wear religious garbs as well.
amy schumer
The Emiratis there could do whatever.
joe rogan
Whatever they want.
amy schumer
Whatever.
Even some of the comics I was working with, it was like some of them could say things and some of them couldn't.
joe rogan
I feel terrible whenever I see any form of suppression.
So when I see that, that shit drives me crazy.
amy schumer
That was the worst thing, was seeing the way that they dealt with the Filipino waitstaff.
Just the people, because it's such a caste system there.
It's like, forget about the women being that.
Shielded, it was like, that was a bummer.
joe rogan
Well, have you ever seen – there were some pieces that were done on some unscrupulous employees or employers, rather, that were taking these people from other countries.
They were getting them from like a guy who would be like a wrangler.
And he would go to these other countries and tell these people that they were going to get a lot of money and tell these people that all these good things were going to happen.
And then he would bring them over here to start working for these companies – And then they would take their passports away and leave them in these subhuman conditions.
These horrible conditions.
I did see that.
amy schumer
Sleeping head to toe in a room with 20 dudes.
joe rogan
With dirt floors and holes in the ground to shit in.
Vice did a piece on them.
And you're like, this is incredible.
I mean, it's not all establishments there.
But the fact that it does happen and that the way it's set up...
I don't know who's responsible.
I don't know if it's the people at the top or the people at the bottom that are hiring these people.
Who's made the decision to force these people in this situation to take their passports away?
I don't know who made those decisions.
amy schumer
I know that's really awful, but honestly today I asked for decaf and the chick, I know there was caffeine in that.
unidentified
You're being funny.
amy schumer
How dare you.
When I hear things like that, I think of like, what's the dumbest thing today that I thought was important?
joe rogan
Oh, I see.
amy schumer
You know what I mean?
The things that I'll be like, this is foam.
You call this foam barista?
joe rogan
Fucking traffic on Santa Monica again.
Santa Monica Boulevard is bullshit.
amy schumer
The weatherman didn't say it was going to rain.
And then you're like, oh, you had to sleep head to toe with people that don't bathe and you haven't seen your family in 10 years?
unidentified
Oh, great.
joe rogan
The stoplight is down.
We have to figure out this intersection on our own.
amy schumer
When I called, they said they had my size.
It really makes me feel like a monster.
joe rogan
Well, it's terrible when you really stop and consider how uneven the playing field is from birth.
From birth to death in this world that we live in.
Like, you can get the most awesome spot ever, like Amy Schumer, and be born in a nice city, a nice town.
amy schumer
I had a bad childhood like everybody else.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, nothing.
amy schumer
I know, you're right.
joe rogan
Actually, you're right.
amy schumer
I wasn't born to a rape camp.
joe rogan
You weren't born to some people in India that sold you to some...
Because they need your money that they're going to send back so you're working in some kitchen somewhere.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Some other country.
amy schumer
I know.
joe rogan
They have your passport.
You can never get home.
Jesus fucking Christ.
amy schumer
I was complaining about having to learn how to make signature cocktails while I bartended.
joe rogan
You know, that's a real issue, the passport thing.
They take their passport so they can't go back, which is just dark as fuck.
amy schumer
I know.
joe rogan
That is really dark.
I mean, that's slavery.
That's essentially like you're not, I mean, there's no dogs, there's no gates, there's no guys with guns.
amy schumer
There's no getting out, but isn't the one thing you get like they let you send the saddest amount of money home?
joe rogan
Yeah.
That's what it is.
But who knows?
I mean, who knows if that money even gets there?
If you can't communicate with your friends back home or your family back home, I mean, how are you communicating with them?
If you're not...
If you are communicating with them and it's free and uncensored, you'd be saying, get me the fuck out of here.
They have me.
They're holding me hostage.
amy schumer
But that's just the people that get taken.
But there's also...
That's going on where they didn't take their passport, but it's the only way that they can send money home.
And it's voluntary, but it's awful.
joe rogan
No doubt.
There's a bunch of different variables when it comes to people that live...
If you are born in a third world country or a really poor village or really poor neighborhood somewhere, it's a fucking huge handicap.
Starting from there is incredibly difficult.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I have a friend, his name is Justin Wren and he's been on the podcast before.
He used to be a UFC fighter and then he went to the Congo and met these pygmies and he's become obsessed with helping them and saving them.
So he takes donations and he goes over there and builds wells for them and helps them and endures all sorts of personal tragedies with them.
He's gotten sick.
He's got some horrible like dengue fever.
He almost died when he was over there.
I mean like Really horrible, horrible shit just to go over there and try to help these people.
Just because he was over there and he just recognized.
He had this feeling like, oh my god, like...
These people are so unhealthy and I can help.
I know I can help them.
So he just felt incredibly compelled to make that like his life's mission to try to help these people.
So really, there's him right now.
That's the pictures of him with all these pygmy people.
It's an unbelievably touching story.
He's like the sweetest guy ever.
amy schumer
Did he used to be a comic?
joe rogan
He was a fighter.
amy schumer
Oh, okay.
joe rogan
He was a very tough guy.
He was on The Ultimate Fighter.
And he's going through all this shit, like bullshit, depression, and alcoholism, and all the problems that a lot of people go through in this life and found a new purpose when he went over and met these people.
amy schumer
Don't you feel susceptible to that?
joe rogan
Yeah, you can definitely get susceptible.
Which part?
amy schumer
I mean, you, personally.
I could see you getting real into a specific cause.
No, but you have your family.
joe rogan
Well, I absolutely could see myself getting into a certain cause, something along those lines, but I just don't have the time to dedicate to go over to the Congo.
But I appreciate and respect that he does.
And I donate, and I think that donating to anything is a good cause.
Donating to anything where you can change people's lives directly.
I think that's a good thing for you to do with your time.
I think no matter what, if you can find something in life that enhances your perspective on the world because you've done something positive, that's a good thing.
I think that's really what I got out of what he did the most.
Is that it really truly enhanced his perspective of the world.
He became like this really happy guy with like a real mission.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And he sees like a tangible result in all the care and help and aid that he gives these people.
It's just cool as fuck.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because it's so selfless.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And it's so...
It's beautiful in that regard, you know?
I think anytime we see something like that, it elevates all of us as a species, you know?
Anytime you see someone who's so selfless like that, does something like super...
Super positive.
It just, it elevates us as a species, you know?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And that guy is just an awesome example of what a human being is capable of.
It's cool.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And it's also a fascinating thing that this guy was like in the dumps and his life was terrible until he started doing this.
And now he's like this really driven, happy person.
You see all those pictures.
He's smiling and loves those people so much.
amy schumer
Why was his life in the dumps?
joe rogan
Just, you know, hard time.
First of all, being a fighter is unbelievably difficult.
Very strenuous.
Very nerve-wracking.
They're always nervous.
They're always, you know, forcing themselves to get into unbelievable shape.
You're constantly disciplined because you're doing strength and conditioning work.
Then you go into a spar later that night.
And then you wake up in the morning, you're going to hit mitts.
And then later that night, you're going to lift weights.
And then the next day, you're going to wrestle.
And then at nighttime, you're going to kickbox.
And it never ends.
It just keeps going, keeps going.
There's never enough fucking hurdles to jump over.
There's never enough kettlebells to lift.
There's never enough mitts to punch.
there's never enough bodies to spar with you keep going going going going going going going and you redline your body in a lot of ways And a lot of guys get depressed just from that, just from overtraining.
They get sick a lot.
They're exhausted.
But if you don't put yourself through that, then you get your ass kicked.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And that's even worse.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
There's a lot of shit involved in being a fighter.
We think being a comic is hard.
It's a joke.
amy schumer
No, I mean, I don't know any UFC fighters, but even just what wrestlers go through, I'm just like, man...
joe rogan
That's unbelievably hard for your body, too, because what they're doing...
amy schumer
It's like being in a car accident.
joe rogan
Over and over and over again.
Yeah.
Over and over and over again.
amy schumer
I've had some sets that I felt like that.
Actually, in Orlando.
joe rogan
Well, you know, there's a lot of...
For sure, there's a lot of bad feelings that come from bombing.
And it's not good for you.
And it's damaging.
The issue about sports, though, or wrestling or anything along those lines, is that it sort of breaks your body down.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And then you gotta live the last third of your life or half of your life with a body that's essentially wrecked from the first half.
amy schumer
Isn't it the same with ballerinas?
joe rogan
Some of them.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, I don't know if all of them get fucked up.
Do they all get fucked up?
amy schumer
I don't know.
joe rogan
What is the thing that goes wrong?
What goes wrong?
amy schumer
Oh, you're just murdering your body.
Just the arthritis that sets in.
joe rogan
Standing on your toes.
amy schumer
Yeah, and if you don't actually ever get injured, which they all do, it's still just so hard on your body.
You can't walk as long as you...
joe rogan
You know what I heard?
I heard they just fuck a lot and they blame the injuries on ballet.
amy schumer
You're such a liar.
They just take a lot of dick.
Endless ballerina dick.
joe rogan
That's what I heard.
They just get a lot of ballet dick, like Baryshnikov dick.
amy schumer
I don't think they do.
joe rogan
They just get fucked like crazy.
amy schumer
From who?
joe rogan
That guy from that movie, Black Swan.
amy schumer
That one guy fucks all of those girls?
joe rogan
The guy.
The director guy.
He's always the guy.
He's aloof with them.
amy schumer
Just Natalie Portman.
joe rogan
He plays games.
He fucked the other girls too, remember?
Remember?
He was really mean, and he got them really insecure.
He pulls them in close, then he pushes them away.
He plays those creepy games.
amy schumer
Yeah, I guess you're right.
That guy did fuck everybody in White Night.
joe rogan
If he's a heterosexual and he's around all these insecure women and he has a power over them, like he's the director, that dude just banging left and right, that dirty bastard.
He's horrible.
He's a terrible person.
Might as well be drugging them, in my opinion.
amy schumer
It seems like what guys should do.
Guys become comics to hook up with girls.
It's stupid.
Just one guy in ballet.
joe rogan
Well, I don't know if guys become comics to hook up with girls, but they definitely become funny to make girls laugh at them.
And then along the way, they look at their career options and usually they're pretty fucking slim.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And stand-up looks incredibly attractive.
And then along the way, they realize from doing shows that you could hook up with girls.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I think very few comics get into comedy going, I'm going to be really funny so I can hook up with girls.
amy schumer
Gosh.
joe rogan
I think it's sort of a consequence of like, you know.
amy schumer
They just realized as they were, after they started.
All the guys that I'm friends with are, yeah, I guess they just make it sound like that was a part of why they got into it.
joe rogan
Well, I think it's probably part of what makes them funny, for sure.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It was probably one of the only times I was ever funny before I was a comedian was, like, talking to girls.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, you're trying to impress them.
It's probably one of the only times I was ever funny, like, making fun of things or mocking things.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And it was that or locker room stuff with my friends.
It was a lot of that.
A lot of, like...
amy schumer
Oh, just like making each other laugh.
joe rogan
Well, you know, I came from a weird place because I came from like a martial arts instructor and I was a competitor and that was like the main focus of my life growing up.
So I didn't have a normal upbringing in that sense.
It was very abnormal.
There was no partying.
There was very little drinking or any of that, you know.
Had a couple girlfriends that tolerated me for small periods of time, and then they'd eventually just get tired of me being crazy.
amy schumer
Those poor girls.
Just like going to your martial arts shows, like, oh, get that belt!
joe rogan
I don't think I ever brought one to a fight, an actual fight.
amy schumer
No?
joe rogan
Too much pressure.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to watch them sit there in the audience watching me, me thinking about them watching me.
Like, my sister came to see me fight once, and I remember it being a wreck.
It's one thing I really appreciated about my parents.
They never said, I am going to your fight.
Like, you know, they would say, do you want us to go?
Fuck that.
I'm like, no, don't go.
amy schumer
Oh, really?
joe rogan
No, I don't want them to see me hurting anybody and be upset at me.
And I didn't want to see anybody hurting me and them being upset.
And then the idea that I could get hurt in front of my mother was like extra pressure.
The idea that I would lose in front of my mother, that was also extra pressure.
Like, it's a very solitary pursuit, martial arts.
amy schumer
Did they ever watch you stand up?
joe rogan
Yes.
They've seen me do stand-up a bunch of times.
amy schumer
And you don't care?
joe rogan
No, not at all.
Totally different thing.
Because to stand-up is just fun.
It was bad at the beginning when I wasn't very good.
I'd be like, fuck, I'm going to bomb in front of my parents.
But once I got good, it was pretty easy to have them there.
It was fun.
It was fun to have them there.
Fighting was a totally different thing, though.
It was just more creepy.
There's just too many things to manage.
You're more inside your head.
So, I was rarely funny with girls, even.
I was just rarely funny.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
I wasn't funny at all until I decided to become a comedian.
I was more of a questioning person than funny.
amy schumer
I think you would be funny just by accident.
Didn't you just make people laugh?
joe rogan
What happened was, the reason I got talked into doing stand-up in the first place was guys in the locker room.
I would be doing impressions of each other.
I'd be doing impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students.
Or other friends.
I would make fun of things.
But it was really rare, you know?
But every now and then, I would do...
It wasn't like something I did every day.
amy schumer
But when you did it, everybody was like, oh my god.
joe rogan
Every now and then, I would wait until they were good.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, I'd have something actually funny.
amy schumer
Wow.
joe rogan
I wasn't like...
It was a very quiet thing.
Like, everybody was very friendly, and everybody would go into the locker room.
What's up?
What's up?
But we knew what we were going to do.
We were going to go out there, and we were going to kick each other.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And punch each other.
It was a very nerve-wracking thing to be very close with people that beat you up.
amy schumer
See, I know that fighting is totally different, but I do see a lot of parallels with stand-up with that.
Because it's like, yeah, the people you're most threatened by, you feel the closest to.
joe rogan
In a way, yeah.
Yeah.
There's some similarities for sure.
amy schumer
I think there's some.
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
I've been thinking about just...
And even like...
I like watching...
I always liked rap battles.
I mean, growing up, I just was interested in them.
I still like them.
And I never made the connection that those were kind of like...
Or like hanging out with comics to me.
But it's like, of course, like even the Wu-Tang album at the beginning of Method Man, that song, it's like they're just trashing each other saying what they're going to do.
And I'm like, and I loved that growing up.
And then I'm like, but I never even made that connection until like real recently.
I was like, oh yeah.
joe rogan
Well, battle rap is all about, you know, like, coming out on top.
And everybody would come up with the most vicious, scathing shit you could say about a dude's mother or a sister.
amy schumer
But it had to be real poetic.
joe rogan
Yeah, and make it rhyme.
But how many times have you seen battle rap that ends in fisticuffs?
There's a bunch of those videos online.
amy schumer
Right.
That always looks like they're about to...
joe rogan
Yeah.
They are, you know?
They're saying some really nasty shit to each other.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
In a way, yeah.
I think that's probably a lot like stand-up.
But stand-up, it's rare that we go head-to-head with each other like that.
It's only roasts where that kind of happens.
And even then, the guy sitting can't respond for a while.
amy schumer
Yeah.
But even if it's not like...
But even, I know you and I both have heckler, people put videos of us dealing with hecklers online, and that feels like you're fighting training.
I think that stuff plays a part in just your defense mechanisms, how you're set up, how you've been preparing for these moments you didn't even know you were going to have.
joe rogan
Sort of.
It's also you recognize you have to handle something in real time, and you have to also be completely in the moment while you're handling it.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because you're directing a moment where X amount of people are in the audience, they all pay to see you, and some shit's going down in real time.
amy schumer
And you have to keep the control.
joe rogan
Yeah, and sometimes you'll slip, and you'll say something awkward, or you'll just say something that's forced or stupid.
amy schumer
Or too much, and the crowd's like, whoa, hey.
joe rogan
He's just a drunk.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, I've had some people swear that things were planted just because people are so ridiculous.
amy schumer
Right.
joe rogan
I had a guy, goddammit, I can't remember where.
I want to say it was Milwaukee.
But there was a guy that was so drunk that he came up to the side of the stage and he was literally falling over.
And he reached up his hand to shake my hand and then was blacking out.
And I caught his hand.
I was holding onto his wrist.
I was literally keeping this guy standing.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
He was that fucked up.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
And the audience was howling.
I'm like, I've never had to hold a guy up.
How fucked up is this guy?
He stumbled out of his chair, came lunging towards the stage to the point where I was wondering if he was handicapped.
I was wondering if he had an issue with his muscles or something, some physical issue.
amy schumer
And that's really hard.
That's when it's the hardest to deal with somebody, if you're like, wait.
joe rogan
Yes.
This guy might have had something wrong with him on top of being fucked up.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But the fucked up thing, there's a video of it somewhere.
It's a video of me holding this guy up to show that it really is real.
amy schumer
People love it because it's like this real moment.
joe rogan
It was so ridiculous.
But I mean those moments, like Amy Schumer's responsible for, you're responsible for, you know, in real time.
Here's the guy.
Like he's standing there.
amy schumer
Oh, my God.
unidentified
Are you going back to your seat?
joe rogan
If you pee your pants, we're going to know.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Amy Schumer is going to pee while this guy -- But I want to see that.
Go ahead.
We'll play -- That man represents the world.
He's the roots of your tree.
What you are right now is maybe the drunkest guy that's ever survived.
We're gonna learn something just by watching you move.
Dude, you need to sit the fuck down, cross-legged, and just close your eyes and think about the seventh grade, because there's no way you're gonna make it up those stairs.
Clearly, you've made some mistakes in your life.
Let's go back.
Let's go back to grammar school.
Let's go to seventh grade.
You're gonna be high, feeling good.
In two years, you're gonna be 14. That's when your brother got some sex.
Are you really trying to walk?
Why are you doing that?
Get on your knees in your hands and crawl.
unidentified
Because you don't have the mentality of a human right now.
joe rogan
That's why your mind doesn't want to do that.
If you trawled like a baby, it'd be fun.
unidentified
That's that guy, folks.
joe rogan
That's that guy.
Who's his buddy?
unidentified
Who's with him?
joe rogan
Are you with him?
Is that your friend?
Who's right there?
You folks look sensible.
You're fairly sober.
Is this man traveling solo?
Is that crazy?
How can you drink that much and stay alive?
unidentified
This little guy didn't have any idea that I was grabbing him and holding onto him.
joe rogan
He was like, what's going on here?
Getting lifted from the skies.
What's up here?
unidentified
He didn't even look at me!
He's like, well, and then there's that happening over there.
joe rogan
I don't know what that is.
unidentified
Like he's gonna look up and there's a fucking goblin holding onto him.
I don't know how to see it.
joe rogan
Wouldn't you love to just see through that guy's eyes right now as he slowly makes it to that toilet?
There's those moments, man, when you put your forehead on the white porcelain and you pee and you're like, I gotta fix so many things about my life.
I'm all staring into the abyss of that white porcelain.
It just comes back to you with answers.
I think that's probably the end of it.
Somebody's fucked that guy.
I can't get out about this guy.
unidentified
Somebody's not only fucked that guy, but called him on purpose so they could have sex with him.
joe rogan
Where is he?
I completely forgot about that dude I I totally forgot about that whole exchange about how long it went on.
But the guy was so drunk that I was holding him up and he didn't even look up at me.
He was so drunk he was just like letting me hold him up and he was just sort of looking around at the crowd trying to figure out why.
amy schumer
That's when you're like, where's the security of this venue?
Like, who's serving this guy?
joe rogan
Oh, no, no, no.
They handled it right away.
Like, you could see right here, while this guy is stumbling, this guy comes over, the security comes over and grabs him, and they cart him off, and then I started talking about that guy's, like, the roots of your tree.
He represents life.
Let him hold you up.
And the guy walked the dude towards the back of the room, and then they...
amy schumer
You talked him through.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, I had to.
I mean, I had to talk about it.
It was just so ridiculous.
I'd never seen a guy that drunk.
I mean, there was no way he was talking.
He could barely move his body right.
He was just making noises with his mouth that didn't represent words.
You could see that he was trying to speak English, but he was so drunk he couldn't talk at all.
amy schumer
And then you're like, this guy's a victim.
joe rogan
Start wondering.
Start wondering what happened.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
How'd it go wrong?
amy schumer
Right.
That's what happens to me, too.
And sometimes, like, you know, if people, like, keep firing at me, I'm like, don't.
Because I will pinpoint what happened.
unidentified
LAUGHTER It's not good for either one of us.
amy schumer
No, the crowd's like...
joe rogan
Even if you win, you're going to feel bad later.
You're going to be like, ooh, did I go too far?
amy schumer
You learn that lesson, you know?
You learn that lesson.
Then you're like, I know if I say one more thing, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
joe rogan
Well, then sometimes it's funny when you go too far and you go, alright, I went too far.
amy schumer
Yeah.
You're like, whoops.
Sorry, everybody.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's not like if you actually get angry.
That's the thing.
If you actually get angry.
amy schumer
Yeah.
Yeah, because nobody wants to see that.
But I learned from when I was opening for Norton and Natal on the road, because people would yell shit at them, and they wouldn't fire back.
It was never like they were being attacked.
They would just defuse.
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
So I try to do that now.
But then I've also seen if somebody keeps coming at them, they will go to town.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's a difference between someone having fun and someone that's, like, fucking it all up.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, at the risk of encouraging this, because I'm not encouraging this, but when I was in New York...
amy schumer
Discouraging.
joe rogan
When I was in New York, this guy yelled out something that was fucking hilarious.
Oh, no.
I was talking about the most...
I was trying to figure out who the most famous woman in the world was setting up this bit.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And the guy goes, your mom!
amy schumer
We got you there.
joe rogan
For the wrong reasons, just for childish, I'm 12 reasons, I started laughing.
It was just the perfect timing.
amy schumer
That's really funny.
Yeah, because it's like, first of all, that is not true.
Your mom's not the most famous woman in the world.
joe rogan
But it doesn't matter.
unidentified
No, I know.
amy schumer
That's why it's so funny.
joe rogan
Maybe your mother who makes the best cheeseburgers.
Maybe your mom.
amy schumer
Yeah, it's like, you got me.
joe rogan
Who's sucked the most dick?
Probably your mom.
amy schumer
You're like, shit.
joe rogan
Like, somewhere along the line, throughout history, there's got to be a woman who has sucked the most dicks ever.
There's a world record holder.
They probably don't keep it officially.
amy schumer
I've seen that video, yeah.
joe rogan
It's not a video.
It's probably done...
It's on a cave somewhere, carved into the rocks.
It's probably an old record that nobody ever even claimed close to touching.
amy schumer
She kept it, like, with little dick chalk marks that people are going to find...
joe rogan
Like with a prisoner.
amy schumer
They're going to find that in your kettlebells and be like, wow, what was going on with this society?
joe rogan
When a prisoner's calculating how many days till they get out, till they get released, they make those fives on the wall, four straight ones and then one across.
You go over to her door of death, and it's just all these dicks.
amy schumer
It's just dicks.
Just endless dicks in the cave.
joe rogan
And right by the cave door, writing how many dicks she sucks.
It's hard to get, you know, if you have a limp, it's tough to get some buffalo.
unidentified
You gotta do what you gotta do.
joe rogan
But my point is, imagine if that's your mom.
amy schumer
I mean, I've never had somebody heckle that good.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's a good heckle.
amy schumer
That's a good one.
joe rogan
But it was only in the moment it was good.
If it was another moment, it could be bad.
amy schumer
Don't yell anything out at shows.
Please don't do it.
joe rogan
It worked that time.
amy schumer
I like talking to the crowd.
If I instigate, then let's talk.
I love talking to the crowd.
joe rogan
Do you ever do a Q&A? Yeah.
You know what you should do?
There's a thing that they're doing in LA. It's a podcast called Thunder Pussy.
Thunder Pussy is you don't go on stage with any material at all.
Zero material.
The audience yells out suggestions.
amy schumer
Whose show is that?
Is that Ari's?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
No, it's Red Band.
Red Band and...
Jeremiah.
unidentified
Jeremiah Watkins.
joe rogan
Jeremiah Watkins.
Sorry, Jeremiah.
I spaced on his name.
Jeremiah Watkins.
Very funny young kid.
And he and Brian have this podcast where they have guys go up there and they do that.
They do...
Everything is completely off the cuff.
You do everything with the audience.
amy schumer
But isn't it better to do the stuff that you know works?
joe rogan
LAUGHTER Sometimes, but as an artistic exercise, it's a great exercise in creativity.
Because you come up with bits and then they become actual bits.
You come up with bits when someone yells out something and you have a suggestion and then you try to work it out.
amy schumer
Or you can write.
joe rogan
Several times.
amy schumer
No, just kidding.
joe rogan
Several times I've come up with actual real bits from that that have become real bits.
amy schumer
I try to make myself do at least a couple new things every night on stage.
joe rogan
That's good.
amy schumer
Yeah, but I mean, it's hard.
joe rogan
Oh, it's definitely hard.
amy schumer
Especially the crowd, like, they can sense it.
joe rogan
But that's one of the things that's amazing about this Thunder Pussy idea is because you're doing an hour.
amy schumer
It's an hour?
joe rogan
Yeah, well, me, I did an hour.
I did an hour.
amy schumer
You did an hour of completely...
joe rogan
I did one hour once and an hour ten another time.
amy schumer
How much time did you get out of that in the long run for a year or so?
joe rogan
Ten minutes out of two sets.
amy schumer
Wow.
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
That's amazing.
joe rogan
Two sets is ten whole minutes.
So, you know, a lot of it gets tossed out.
A lot of it's in the moment.
A lot of it is not applicable.
Or maybe it is someday once I hash it out and work it out.
amy schumer
What's that festival in Scotland?
joe rogan
Edinburgh?
amy schumer
Yeah.
People that do that, they say, like, you know, you're there for like a month and you have to do a different hour every night.
joe rogan
What?
amy schumer
That's what some comics say that they go and they do that.
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
amy schumer
And then you get so much time out of it.
joe rogan
Didn't Maren, or is it Melbourne?
Maren has a fantastic story about going over to some festival and bombing horrifically.
amy schumer
That's probably Melbourne.
joe rogan
I think it's a great story, though.
It's really good at telling, because it's really early on in his career, and just the whole thing was just wrong.
You know, that wrong vibe thing, where you get caught up in the wrong...
And if you start off a week bombing...
amy schumer
That totally brings up so many feelings right away.
joe rogan
You never recover.
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
That feeling when you start off Thursday night eating shit on stage.
amy schumer
All the blood is in your head.
You're like, how am I even still standing here when all the blood's in my head?
joe rogan
And you can't even believe they're going to let you go up on Friday, but it's just because they couldn't find a substitute for you, and you're like, oh my god, here we go.
amy schumer
You start seeing spots.
It's such a bad feeling.
joe rogan
I had two sets at this one place in Connecticut.
The first set I had was great.
It was really fun.
It was easy.
It was fun.
The second set I had, it was awful.
I was terrible.
amy schumer
Hartford?
joe rogan
I just bombed.
No, it wasn't even Hartford.
It was like some bar gig in Connecticut, but it was just early on in my career and it was just, I had another one after that that went well, but the Everyone gave me the stink eye.
The manager gave me the stink eye.
They couldn't believe that I did well this time compared to the last time.
They wanted to keep bringing up the last time.
Even though I had a good set, they kept wanting to bring up the last time when I ate shit up there.
I'm like, I know.
I didn't do it on purpose.
amy schumer
I was the one feeling it.
I bombed so bad.
I don't think I ever told this here, but at the Schaumburg Improv, which they call the Chicago Improv, which is ludicrous.
joe rogan
I know where that place is.
It's an hour away from Chicago.
amy schumer
It's like 40 miles from Chicago.
It's an hour if you're lucky.
But anyway, I went there and I was opening for Tammy Pascatelli and I went out there and I was used to, I was in the middle of doing Last Comic, so I've been dealing with all paid audiences.
So I was like, I think I'm a killer now.
unidentified
And I went out there.
amy schumer
I mean, like 20 minutes of just zero.
Like where I was like, I almost said, is this thing on?
Like it was that bad.
And so it was my second night and I'm like 10 minutes into my 20 and I'm dying.
And Tammy comes on stage and takes the mic out of my hand.
And I'm always ready to say something.
I'm a wiseass.
I couldn't believe it.
She goes, Amy...
And she's like, everyone, I'm really sorry, but there's been a bomb threat.
And I'm like, this is what she says when someone's bombing?
Like, this bitch, I cannot believe this.
But it's in a strip mall.
There was a bomb threat in the mall, so we all had to evacuate, and she wanted to be the one to tell them.
And so we're all like...
And I was like, fucking thank God.
You know?
I was like, this is divine.
We're all filing out together.
And I'm filing out with the crowd and they're all talking about like how horrible I was.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
amy schumer
And then just night after night just taking it to the chin.
Just like going out there and just eating it.
So awful.
joe rogan
Yeah, a bomb threat while you're bombing is never...
Never good, though.
amy schumer
I don't know.
joe rogan
It's so ironic.
amy schumer
If I had, like, an app on my phone, like, calling a friend, like, just please.
Buffalo.
In five minutes, okay?
joe rogan
Please.
What was wrong?
Was it you?
unidentified
It was me.
joe rogan
Was it the audience?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
What made you turn the corner as a comic?
amy schumer
I think bombing so many times that you just don't care.
And then once you don't care...
You become funny.
Yeah.
Because they're not worried.
They trust you.
Because I think my jokes were funny.
It wasn't that my material got that much better.
joe rogan
You're just nervous up there.
amy schumer
I was just like, is this okay?
Is this okay?
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
amy schumer
Is this funny?
Oh, that wasn't funny?
Okay, like, quick, let me get to this other thing.
Is this funny?
You know, just tap dancing through my set, and then it was like, oh, that made you upset?
Well, let me say this thing that's ten times worse than that last thing you got mad at, and I don't care.
And then, yeah, just being totally unapologetic.
joe rogan
Do you think it's more difficult as a woman to do stand-up?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
You don't?
amy schumer
I've had a very sweet path.
And I think I've worked really hard.
And I think, I don't know what the quote is, but opportunity plus preparation equals something.
Okay, thanks.
I don't know.
But it's like I have worked really hard.
But I think it's annoying.
I think it's harder to be a woman.
I think being a chick sucks.
And I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
unidentified
Really?
For real?
Yes.
joe rogan
Really?
amy schumer
Yes, it's awful.
joe rogan
What's awful about it?
amy schumer
Everything.
You're born with this invisible calendar counting down to your last fuckable day.
You're valued by your appearance above all else.
You make less.
You're taught that there's no ceiling to what you can do.
No limit.
And then you learn, yes, there is.
And society wants only a specific thing from you, even though you're programmed a different way.
joe rogan
But aren't you proof positive that that's not the case?
That's always going to be the case, right?
But aren't you proof positive that there is no ceiling and that you can be successful with hard work and talent?
I mean, that's what you've done, right?
amy schumer
I think...
joe rogan
You're way more talented than a lot of men, I know.
unidentified
Thank you.
joe rogan
But way more successful as well.
amy schumer
But the people that have seen those men and me perform would still tell me that I was their favorite female comedian they've ever seen.
Like it's a handicap.
Would you say that?
Like you're my favorite black comedian I've ever seen.
I think it's really weird.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, fuck them for that.
But I've said that before.
She's one of the funniest girls ever.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
All time.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Well, you know, like, Roseanne Barr was on, and I went, like, super...
I was super conscious to not say that she's one of the funniest women of all time, because I think she's one of the great ones.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I think if you had to pick, like...
You know, like a top 50 greatest comedian list ever, Roseanne Barr, in my opinion, is like, she's a real...
She was a real pioneer.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because she had a very specific, unique style when she came out.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
She was hard-hitting and aggressive, and she didn't give a fuck if you liked her.
She wasn't trying to look pretty.
Shut up!
You know, she just...
And she shoved it down your throat, just knowing it was good and well-written stuff and performance delivery.
Yeah.
But I could see how that would be annoying.
amy schumer
But then also, just numbers.
How many female comics are headlining theaters on the road?
How many of them are in successful relationships?
How many of them...
joe rogan
Christina Pazitzky, that's it.
amy schumer
Yeah.
They sort of broke the rule.
Boss and Bonnie.
Yeah.
There's a couple of exceptions.
Statistically, it's not looking good for the ladies.
joe rogan
And Voss and Bonnie is hilarious too because Bonnie is a smart one and Voss is the guy who's constantly the butt of the jokes.
amy schumer
And then Voss is there.
joe rogan
He's the butt of the jokes.
Like all of their podcasts, you know, it's like her shitting all over how dumb he is.
amy schumer
Yeah.
But then it's like, you know, it's like I am successful as a comic right now.
But then there's also a price to be paid for that, for being a girl anyway.
joe rogan
Okay, but is it with everybody or is it with idiots?
You know, and isn't the price that you pay when you're around idiots?
amy schumer
No, I mean...
joe rogan
It's good people?
Nice people?
amy schumer
I think it's most people still want a kind of...
I think some people are...
Grateful for the female comics that they love.
I was grateful for the...
My favorite comics were girls growing up.
And those comedic actresses.
And I was really grateful for them.
And so I still...
And I hope that people will feel that way about me one day.
But...
What the fuck am I talking about?
joe rogan
We're just talking about the differences.
We were just discussing the differences between men and female comics and how few female comics there are and about when you look at the number of females that are headlining theaters and that they were always your biggest influences and you're always big fans of these female comedians.
That's what you're saying.
amy schumer
You're such a good listener.
joe rogan
Well, I'm very fascinated by the subject because, you know, I had a conversation once with Judy Gold about an interview that I did where we were talking about She's so funny.
She's very funny.
amy schumer
She's so good.
joe rogan
She's an animal, too.
She's a killer.
She's so good.
But she's also smart.
She's quick.
If you fuck with her, she'll kill you.
She knows how to just shut things down, especially a heckler.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Shuts them down.
amy schumer
Oh, I remember what I was going to say.
joe rogan
Well, please do.
Say it, then.
amy schumer
I'm sorry.
But I think a lot of people are probably pretty relieved when Judy and I leave the room.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
Come on.
No one who's worth a fuck...
amy schumer
No, I think you're right.
And the people I'm close to and the people that I love and that I care about are into it.
But I think still there's a lot of work to be done in the world with the perception of what we want from women.
joe rogan
Maybe.
I see what you're saying.
I'm sure I would see it from a completely different perspective if I was you and I lived your experiences.
My experience though with friends and people that I care about is, you know, I don't always agree with Jerry Seinfeld.
I don't know.
And that's true because Chris Rock is one of his best friends, was a dude who used to host MTV Half Hour, Comedy Hour.
Mario Joyner is a guy who's been his good friend forever.
amy schumer
Yeah, but I think that the conversation was with Colin Quinn when he was talking about why he had no women or black people in the first season of his riding in cars with comedians.
And it's like funny is funny, but are you looking for what's fun?
I don't think of...
Do you have your hand on the pulse of...
Whose stand-up are you going down to watch?
joe rogan
Who?
Jerry Seinfeld?
amy schumer
Seinfeld.
And I'm saying that in general.
And I think that's true.
What's funny is funny.
And I would never specify this is my favorite female comic, this is my favorite black comic.
That's insane to me.
Right.
But I think people, what they are looking for, if they're like, I'm going to Google comedians...
joe rogan
In cars getting coffee.
amy schumer
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what it's called?
joe rogan
Yes, that's what it is.
It's a talk show.
It's his show.
He does it.
He interviews people like Larry David.
amy schumer
Right, so I think that was his conversation.
Was it him talking on Stern about Collins?
joe rogan
Well, he interviews people that he thinks are interesting.
That's all it is.
I mean, he just gets like David Letterman goes for a drive in his Volvo.
unidentified
Right, right, right.
amy schumer
Yeah.
And then the second season he had Sarah on.
He had, you know, he had women on because Colin was like, you're going to get a lot of shit for this.
joe rogan
But that's not why he did it.
I think that's what he was saying when he said the interview.
He's like, I don't care.
He goes, all I care about is funny.
amy schumer
I think you're like that.
I think I'm like that.
joe rogan
You don't think he's like that?
amy schumer
No, I don't know.
I have no idea.
I have no idea, but what I'm saying is, um, I think that that's what he was talking about, was Colin telling him, like, you can't just, like, have all the way through that.
joe rogan
No, it was actually an interview.
It was an interview where they were asking him in an interview.
amy schumer
No, no, it was on Stern.
joe rogan
It was Seinfeld talking on Stern.
unidentified
No, no, no, no, no.
joe rogan
Here it is.
It's this guy.
Here, I'll play it.
unidentified
Most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes.
Yeah, let's get into that.
No, I... Take a look over here, Peter.
What do you see?
A lot of whiteys!
What's going on here?
Oh, this really pisses me off.
But go ahead.
Really pisses me off.
Well, that's okay.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more.
You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians.
It's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals.
And in the context of comedy, not gender diversity, I just want to know what you meant by that.
Well, I was kind of curious what it's like to be a woman In comedy, as opposed to a man, there's a little bit of a difference.
And I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective.
She's so successful at it.
And I was just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it.
And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that.
But, you know, it's just another thing to think about.
amy schumer
Okay, all right, fair enough.
Hold on, let him go.
unidentified
There were a lot of things about comedians and cars in the beginning.
The first 10 I did, I think, were all white males.
And people were writing all about that, which...
That's part of the reason why I asked.
People had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld.
Ask him about their gender diversity on the show.
Yeah, I mean, people think it's the census or something.
I mean, this has got to...
Represent the actual pie chart of America?
Who cares?
It's just funny.
You know, funny is the world that I live in.
You're funny, I'm interested.
You're not funny, I'm not interested.
And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that, but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix?
You know, I think that's...
To me, it's anti-comedy.
It's anti-comedy.
It's more about, you know, PC nonsense than, are you making us laugh or not?
Right, right.
amy schumer
He definitely also talked about that, what he just said on Stern, and referenced Colin saying that he was going to get a bunch of shit about that.
joe rogan
Oh, so he's talked about it a few times.
amy schumer
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I think, I don't know.
I mean...
joe rogan
You disagree with him?
amy schumer
I'm not going to disagree with the statement, what's funny is funny.
I think what somebody thinks is funny.
I don't think you should just have a woman or a person who's not white on to not make people upset.
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
I don't think that's...
You know, I have my own feelings about...
My old stuff, what that triggers for me is going back to when I was really young in school and being funny.
But knowing and getting a reaction from people like, just try to be nice and pretty.
That's what we want from you.
Be a girl.
Shut up.
The boys are talking.
We're funny.
And knowing I was funnier.
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
Why does that him saying that he doesn't believe in anything but funny trigger that in you?
amy schumer
Because I don't believe that he's aware or looking.
I think that maybe he would be more likely to dismiss someone or not really pay that much attention to To something other than what he's used to thinking is funny.
If your favorite comedians, the people you want to have on the first season of your show, your first 10 episodes, are all one type, then that's your type.
And I don't think you can say what's funny is funny.
Because there are plenty of comedians that go up there and kill.
And I'm like, nothing.
You know?
And, like, Chris Rock, I think I said this on here last time, but he told me, like, how was his set?
And he'll be like, he killed.
I'm like, yeah, but how was it?
And he's like, no, respect the kill.
And, like, I was just talking about this with Wanda Sykes.
She was like, yeah, sometimes you can't.
And I'm like, yeah, sometimes you can't.
So it's like, okay, what's funny is funny.
What makes...
What makes a room full of people, you know, tears laughing, you can say, well, they're laughing.
It's funny.
But to you, it's not funny.
But it's not up to you.
But I can't tell you what's funny and what's not.
Like, I don't think anyone can say what's funny is funny, actually.
Sure you can.
It's subjective.
joe rogan
Right, but you say what's funny to you, and that is what's funny.
amy schumer
So I think what's funny to him is who he chose to have on his show.
joe rogan
I totally understand that, but I don't understand why you connected to, like, your personal feelings on people saying that you weren't...
amy schumer
Don't you connect everything to your personal feelings?
joe rogan
But saying that you weren't funny and you were a girl and that you were actually funnier than them.
amy schumer
They weren't saying I wasn't funny.
They were saying, like, what...
joe rogan
Well, they wanted you to be quiet.
What they wanted for me.
They wanted you to be quiet and they wanted the guys to be talking and you were funnier than the guys.
amy schumer
Right.
Like, me, like, as a person with a personality was, like, dismissed.
Like, you're...
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
We will come get the girls, like, when we need them.
joe rogan
I understand from you personally, but him, why does that, his statement, had zero to do with gender or race?
unidentified
How can you say that has zero to do with gender or race?
joe rogan
Because he was saying very clearly he doesn't care.
As long as you're funny, that's what he cares.
amy schumer
You can make a statement, what's funny is funny.
I mean, that's so easy to say.
Like, you just...
That's such a, like, I don't care.
You can just say, I don't care.
What's funny is funny.
joe rogan
So you're accusing him of being dishonest?
amy schumer
No.
I think that that is absolutely what he means.
joe rogan
I'm so confused.
I love you.
I don't want to get into an argument with you about this.
amy schumer
I don't at all feel like we're in an argument.
joe rogan
Okay, good.
amy schumer
I want you to understand, too.
What I'm saying is, I believe that he believes what he's saying.
joe rogan
You're saying he discriminates in some way because of his choices and that his choices should reflect a broader range of human beings just to...
amy schumer
I don't think...
I would never use the word should with what Jerry Seinfeld should be watching.
joe rogan
So tell me how his choices bring up in you this idea that somehow or another you're personally discriminated against.
amy schumer
Because I think to say what's funny is funny is like, I don't think that's true because comedy is so subjective.
joe rogan
Right, but it is to him.
amy schumer
Right, but wait, let me work through this.
unidentified
Okay.
amy schumer
But that's the thing.
What's funny is funny to me.
But I don't think he said that.
I think he said what's funny is funny.
joe rogan
He said the language I speak is funny.
All I'm interested in is if you're funny.
That's what he said.
amy schumer
Right, so saying that, but then also choosing 10 white male comics for the first season of his show...
He's saying, like, sorry, if you guys were funnier, other races and women, than you would have been on the first season of my show.
And I'm saying, I don't think that he's seen...
I don't think that he's as open to seeing people other than that prototype.
And that is what connects me to my childhood stuff.
Because...
People are used to, this is who I'm used to being funny.
People who look like this.
People who do this.
And so that's why I'm connecting it.
joe rogan
I understand.
I understand what you're saying.
I think you're adding a lot of extra stuff to what he's saying.
And I think you're also not taking into consideration the idea that this is his individual creation.
This idea of a web show.
And that he has probably dozens and dozens of friends.
If he's doing 10 episodes and he has dozens of the greatest comedians in the world, I don't think that it should be up to him to diversify his cast.
Neither do I. So then what he said is essentially, I'm interested in, are people funny?
If you're funny, that's what I'm interested in.
To him, that's a true statement.
It may be very well subjective.
You might think that some of those people are not funny, whereas, you know, there's people that think that a perfect example is Gilbert Gottfried.
There's people that think that Gilbert Gottfried is the funniest dude to ever walk the face near.
amy schumer
Every comedian, yeah.
joe rogan
Not every comedian.
I know comedians who can't...
amy schumer
No, no, no.
What I'm saying is every comedian, you can say, this guy's hilarious, and then someone else will say...
And I don't like it when...
I would never say any comedian's not funny.
Like, just, oh, he's not funny.
It's like, no, you don't think...
He's funny.
joe rogan
Exactly.
It's like everything else.
amy schumer
It's like music.
joe rogan
It's like movies.
It's like anything else.
amy schumer
I don't think Seinfeld should have done anything different.
And I don't think that he should have to.
I think he wants to make the show.
He should make it with the people he wants.
Just like Girls.
That show got a bunch of shit for just having white people on.
Let them make the show that they want.
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
But I'm allowed to, that's allowed to trigger something in me that I can feel like his choice to not do that, even though he's every right and I think you should make the show you want to make, that does trigger something in me.
It's not that I wasn't on the show.
joe rogan
When you analyze it though, do you feel it's fair?
Does it make sense objectively when you analyze your feelings inside of you?
amy schumer
No.
No.
joe rogan
Okay.
So you don't validate them.
You don't try to justify them.
They're just in there.
amy schumer
I understand them.
I have a right to my feelings about it.
I don't think they're right or wrong.
joe rogan
Okay.
amy schumer
And I think all day long we're triggered by people or interactions.
It's like why you yell at a bank teller.
Do you yell at bank tellers?
I don't go to a bank.
I have a business manager.
unidentified
Okay.
amy schumer
But you know what I mean?
It's like, you know, somebody triggers something in you and it brings up old stuff.
And I think Seinfeld's so funny.
I really like him.
I see him when I'm at the cellar.
But seeing that, hearing him talk about it on Stern, it brings up...
It does bring that up for me.
And I don't think that...
And I understand why it doesn't make sense to you.
joe rogan
Well, I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense.
Your feelings absolutely make sense.
You know, we might...
Disagree with whether or not it's valid, but you seem to think that it's not even valid, that it's just reality.
And just these are feelings that are brought up, and these are your feelings, and you don't justify them or rationalize them in any way.
You're just being honest about them.
amy schumer
I think it makes perfect sense for why that would trigger that in me.
joe rogan
Right, but as long as you don't hold him responsible for that.
amy schumer
I don't.
I don't think he should do anything different.
joe rogan
Some people do, though.
I don't.
Well, that's good.
You have a very healthy attitude about it.
amy schumer
I mean, I really don't.
I think what's funny is funny is...
I think that statement should...
And maybe it did, and I just didn't catch it, but it should include what's funny to me is funny to me.
Because saying what's funny is funny...
joe rogan
I think that was implied.
He's saying, I'm interested in what's funny.
unidentified
That's what I speak.
I don't know.
amy schumer
Some people speak with like a lot of authority about a lot of things.
And I don't know.
I've never heard him say this, but I think some people can act like they are the decider of what's funny and what's not.
I've had a great reaction.
I feel very lucky and work has paid off and people come to see me.
And I make people laugh, I think.
But if someone's like, I don't like your stand-up, I'm like, sure.
If they're like, you're not funny, I'm like, no, that's not true.
joe rogan
Right.
Okay.
I get all that personal shit, but I think you might be applying it in this situation in a way that's like you're adding a bunch of stuff to what he said.
You know, I really think you have to take into consideration.
amy schumer
What did I add to what he said?
joe rogan
Well, just the feelings.
Like this connecting it to him saying that, you know, or him being some sort of an arbiter of what's funny.
amy schumer
You know what I should add into the mix here?
joe rogan
You're PMSing?
amy schumer
No.
No.
But again, that is something that nature creates that's not my fault.
That we're punished for, like, why are you being crazy?
Like, do you think I want to feel crazy?
Am I like, ooh, can I please, like, bleed once a month and feel insane?
Because that's what I want.
No.
And I think I might be PMS. No.
But I also, you know, I've been working at the Comedy Cellar for seven years now.
And been a stand-up for ten.
And I also, you know, I have interactions with Seinfeld once in a while.
And so this isn't just me seeing the comedian Jerry Seinfeld...
Has a television...
Has a web series.
And he didn't use...
I'm not just reading these headlines.
I also have like...
You know...
joe rogan
Personal experiences with him that lead you to believe he thinks in a certain way.
unidentified
Just...
amy schumer
Like...
And you know what?
These are...
I'm sure they're unfounded.
What they trigger in me.
But you can't help that stuff.
People do it to me all day.
I know I look like...
I look like...
Somebody you went to high school with that was annoying or a bitch or something.
And people just are like, eh.
And you're like, it's not my fault, but you're not wrong.
So when I see that video and what's funny is funny, I do feel like he's dismissing, not by the choice to just use white male comics in the first season of your show.
Do your thing.
Do whatever you want, of course.
But it does bring up feelings in me, which that's okay.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, as long as you're not blaming him, and all you're just doing is being honest about your feelings, and sometimes people trigger feelings in people unintentionally.
amy schumer
I'm not blaming him for anything.
Things are going well.
Of course.
joe rogan
But I'm saying that it doesn't mean that those feelings are invalid.
If something triggers those feelings, it doesn't mean that...
Look...
Life triggers shit in people.
You watch an eagle snatch a fawn and fly off with it.
You might freak out, but guess what?
It's tough shit.
amy schumer
People will lash out at me.
A girl, when I was opening for a towel, she would write to me like, I know you're having sex with him.
I was like, what?
He's my friend and I opened her...
joe rogan
Is this a girl that Attell was dating or just some crazy girl?
amy schumer
No, I don't even think so.
joe rogan
Is it a Attell fan?
amy schumer
And it was like, I know.
She had created this whole thing.
And people reached out.
joe rogan
That was me, by the way, under a pseudonym.
amy schumer
Was it you?
Yeah.
joe rogan
I'm tired of you and Attell fucking.
amy schumer
But when people are mad about something that you know, I would just think, I hope she's okay.
joe rogan
Good for you.
Me, I'd hope she'd get hit in the head by a fucking meteor.
Too many people.
amy schumer
But I'm just like, you know, people will feel real strong about things that make no sense, or they have sort of no business.
Yeah, it just doesn't make any sense.
But it's like, so you feel that way, and that's okay.
I think he obviously is an amazing comic and made one of my favorite television shows ever.
And and it does it and it's allowed to it's allowed to trigger something in me.
joe rogan
I understand what you're doing.
I mean, you're also trying to dance around your words and be, you know, very fair about all this.
It's a very tricky subject.
It's a bold one to sort of take on.
amy schumer
I work with these people.
joe rogan
Yeah.
No, I know what you're saying.
I know what you're saying.
And I'm glad you don't think that I think in that way at all.
I try to be...
amy schumer
But I think it triggers something in you because you're mad that people were mad at him.
joe rogan
We're giving him a hard time.
amy schumer
Yeah.
So what was that?
joe rogan
Because I don't think that you should be forced to hang around with anybody other than the people that you choose to hang around with.
Whether it's cast them on your own television show or whether it's put them on your podcast or whether it's go on the road with them.
amy schumer
Yeah.
It's annoying.
unidentified
It's stupid.
Yeah.
amy schumer
I don't think you should have to, but I don't love that he didn't naturally want to do that.
And I'm allowed to feel that way.
joe rogan
But naturally wanting to do something doesn't...
I don't think he had enough choices.
Like, let's say...
amy schumer
Well, then that's a different conversation.
But I think you're right.
joe rogan
Well, this is the whole conversation, because there's only ten spots.
I mean, how many people does he love that are in those ten spots, and why do one or two of them have to be women?
amy schumer
Well, let's look at who was on the first season.
joe rogan
I don't know.
amy schumer
Can you...
joe rogan
I don't know.
amy schumer
Can you look?
Can we...
joe rogan
I have no idea.
I really have only watched two of them.
I watched one with, not Eddie Izzard.
amy schumer
I watched one with Lucy Kay on the boat.
joe rogan
What's homeboy Eddie?
The other Eddie.
Other English Eddie.
God damn it.
Famous guy.
Not Eddie Izzard.
The other one.
amy schumer
Eddie Murph?
Oh no.
Of course not.
joe rogan
The English guy.
What the fuck is his name?
unidentified
Eddie?
amy schumer
The English guy?
joe rogan
Who's that other famous English guy?
That fucking other comedian that's on all the time?
amy schumer
He must be one of the 10 funniest people alive.
joe rogan
What is his name, Jamie?
Who's the other...
I was on Opie and Anthony with him.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I can't believe I can't remember his name.
amy schumer
Eddie?
joe rogan
Oh my God.
amy schumer
Come on, he's one of the 10 funniest people alive.
joe rogan
Thank you.
Ricky Gervais.
amy schumer
Jesus fucking Christ.
joe rogan
Thank you very much.
Amy Schumer's sister comes in the clutch.
I can't believe it.
Sorry, Ricky Gervais.
amy schumer
I love that she was your interpreter.
joe rogan
I was so blown away by Eddie Izzard's accomplishment of running a thousand miles.
amy schumer
He stained my brain.
What's the name of the show?
joe rogan
The Office?
amy schumer
No, his...
joe rogan
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?
Is that what you're asking?
amy schumer
Okay, so the 10 funniest Ricky Gervais.
joe rogan
The only one I saw, I saw Ricky Gervais and I saw Letterman.
Those are the two that I've seen.
He's had a bunch of them.
Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Brian Regan.
He had a bunch of his friends.
I mean, that's really essentially what he had.
He had 10 of his friends.
And they happened to be all white guys.
amy schumer
Yeah, I think that triggers...
joe rogan
Chris Rock was on there too, though.
Was that season 1?
Yeah.
Season 2, Chris Rock was on season 2. Where's season one?
And then there's Louis C.K. in there and Sarah Silverman's in there in season two.
amy schumer
Okay, season one.
These are the, what's funniest, funny, the ten funniest people.
joe rogan
Michael Richards, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks.
Can't argue that one ever.
Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner.
There's a black guy.
amy schumer
There's a black guy.
joe rogan
By the way, Mario Joyner is, you know, a good friend of his and a hilarious comedian.
amy schumer
Look, I don't think he's having meetings.
I just...
joe rogan
He's putting people on that he thinks is funny.
Those are the people he got.
You know, I don't know.
amy schumer
Barry...
joe rogan
I can see what you're saying, but I don't think you're dealing with a large focus group.
amy schumer
I would never put somebody on my show because I thought they filled some diversity count.
I think everybody should be able to have whatever.
If you never had girls ever on your podcast, that's your choice.
And I would have feelings about it.
Not because you should have to have them.
I love that you love women and think women are funny.
That's not how everybody feels.
joe rogan
It's not all of them though.
unidentified
Of course not.
joe rogan
I like the funny ones.
amy schumer
I know.
unidentified
But I'm saying that's something that you notice.
joe rogan
That's the men too though.
amy schumer
Because there are still men who are just like, eh, the women in the clubs.
I swear.
That's still a thing.
And I don't think that Seinfeld even feels that way.
joe rogan
I was going back to what I was saying about Judy Gold is the conversation that we had about this interview that I did was what I was trying to say in the interview was that I think it's it's a way more difficult proposition.
Not saying that women can't be funnier or better or, you know, more clever.
But I think that starting out, there's reactions that a lot of people have that are prejudiced against women.
They don't necessarily have against men.
When a woman goes on stage, I feel like she's a point behind.
At least one.
You know, right away.
Especially if she goes on stage and she has any sort of opinions about politics or sexuality or anything.
I mean, a lot of times women are forced in a lot of ways to be self-deprecating at a level that a man isn't just to sort of get in the door.
amy schumer
Well, a guy doesn't want to listen to you unless he thinks he could definitely fuck you.
joe rogan
There's that, maybe, for some people.
amy schumer
No, I don't even believe that.
I don't even believe that, but...
joe rogan
Some guys, yeah.
amy schumer
But, um...
I think...
I think Judy's hilarious.
I think, you know...
You know, I'm not...
I'm looking at you and we're having this conversation and I think men are all triggered by women in general because who's the woman you've known the longest?
Your mom.
joe rogan
Men are triggered by women in general.
amy schumer
I think when women talk...
Yeah, when a woman is talking longer than...
It can just...
Yeah, I think it can...
joe rogan
What about when a man's talking longer?
You want to beat the shit out of him.
It's a completely different reaction.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, when men are talking longer, you're like, dude, shut the fuck up.
It's an aggressively assaulting on your senses sort of thing.
When a guy is overbearing and talks too much, men get angry.
You know, men might get bored.
Everybody gets bored if anybody has shitty social cues.
If they're boring and monotonous and self-obsessed and they don't understand the ins and the outs of a conversation, the ebb and flow of two people enjoying each other's company.
If one person is just yapping at you like I'm doing right now, just yapping at you, I'm not even letting you talk.
amy schumer
No, you are.
joe rogan
What are you talking about?
amy schumer
I think you're right.
I think when you go on a stage as a woman, when you start out, you have a strike against you.
joe rogan
Yes.
More than one, I think.
amy schumer
But I have enjoyed that strike.
I kind of miss it because it was really fun to go up there and surprise everybody.
It still is.
joe rogan
Right.
So like your first joke, you get off, boom, they start laughing.
amy schumer
They're like, wait a minute.
joe rogan
And you feel the tension leave the room.
amy schumer
And then you're like, yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Then they have their confidence.
amy schumer
When I got eliminated from Last Comic Standing, because they're bringing that show back.
joe rogan
How dare they?
amy schumer
I know.
Who's hosting it?
JB. Smooth.
joe rogan
Oh, really?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Did he host the last ones?
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
JB Smooth is fucking hilarious.
amy schumer
He's so funny.
joe rogan
I got a great story about him.
amy schumer
But they showed me a clip.
joe rogan
One of my worst bombings ever.
amy schumer
Was what?
joe rogan
Following JB? No, I went on before him.
Oh my god.
He was supposed to go on first, and I was supposed to go on second.
We were working together in New Jersey, and he got lost.
I got lost too.
It was a really hard place to find.
It was some weird fucking college in New Jersey.
So the show was already like 20 minutes late, and JB's not here, and I got there late, and they said, we're going to wait for him to come.
Why don't you just have a seat in the rec room?
So I sit down in the rec room, and I start watching this documentary on the Malibu fires.
And oh my god, is it depressing.
People who lost their homes and this kid was calling out for their dog.
They were hoping their dog made it.
And they're walking, smoldering fucking embers of their house.
And they're walking around, Rusty!
Where are you, Rusty?
They're calling out for a dog, and then this guy comes down, and he was a fireman, and he didn't even lose his house.
They saved his house, but his neighbors lost their house, and this guy was weeping.
I mean, openly weeping.
He was talking about how this house is all he has, and that he saved for 40 years to build this house, and this was his house.
And he was so worried that he was going to lose his house.
And he feels bad that he's happy that he kept his house because his neighbors lost their house.
And he's fucking crying and weeping.
And they go, okay, JB Smooth is still not here.
So we're going to have you go on stage.
So can you go on stage now?
And I was like, yeah, okay.
Okay, yeah, let me just get a water and I'll go on stage.
And I just went on stage and...
I ate the shit buffet of my life.
And my girlfriend was with me.
And I tried to explain it to her.
She had seen me do well before.
But I tried to explain to her.
I was just not going to do good.
There's no way I would do good.
It was a horrible, horrible experience.
So I went up there and just ate plates of shit.
And then JB Smooth shows up after me and destroys.
Just levels the place.
And they were so happy to see him.
Because I was so terrible.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, it was awful.
And they were like, he was really funny at NACA. I swear he was funny.
Like, I'd hear them talking when I got off stage about how bad I was.
amy schumer
That's the worst.
joe rogan
Like, the people that booked it, they were, like, trying to say at the convention he was very funny.
amy schumer
We liked him.
joe rogan
He was really funny.
amy schumer
That's why we bought him.
joe rogan
And then I go, I'm sorry, I watched that thing on the fires.
They go, why'd you do that?
amy schumer
Yeah, that's not smart.
joe rogan
I'm like, you fucking sat me in that room with a TV and that was on.
I didn't flip the channel to that shit.
That just was on.
amy schumer
Oh my god.
joe rogan
I learned a lesson, though.
It's valuable.
What you have in your mind right before you go on stage is very, very, very important.
I've done it more than one time where I've gone on stage after seeing something awful.
amy schumer
Precious is on.
Let's just catch this while they're introducing you.
joe rogan
Read a book about the Kennedy assassination once.
All day.
Read this book all day for like 10 hours.
And then went on stage and just ate dick.
Just chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.
Just couldn't be funny.
I was like, they fucking killed Kennedy.
They fucking killed Kennedy.
Okay?
The casket was empty.
unidentified
Okay?
joe rogan
There's a different...
In the autopsy report...
I was fucking ranting to anybody who wanted to listen to me.
amy schumer
Now you're just listening to Eye of the Tiger watching Home Alone.
joe rogan
No, now I just try to be relaxed and have fun.
I have a bunch of different songs that I like to listen to.
I like to listen to fun music and have my friends around, but no negativity.
Even if something negative happens, I'm not getting in there.
amy schumer
Everybody has to have good energy.
joe rogan
Yeah, but I'm not getting in there.
I gotta go.
See you.
Giggle all the way out of there.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
While rocks and fucking torches are being thrown my way.
You gotta know what to let in and what not to let in right before you go on stage.
unidentified
True.
joe rogan
Super important.
Especially when people pay to see you.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, someone's going out there to see Amy Schumer.
You can't go on stage.
Yeah.
amy schumer
I try to do the best I've ever done every time.
joe rogan
That's huge.
That's everything.
I mean, that's what endears you to fans.
There's no other way around it.
And you remember what it was like when you were a fan.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Bill Burr was on the podcast and he said it best in sort of his own Bill Burr type language.
He goes, I remember when I was a kid, I'd go see a band and then you go see them a year later and they fucking phone it in.
They just, they fuck you.
I never forgot, you know, and I just make a deal with people.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm gonna write new jokes.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm gonna work hard.
amy schumer
He's one of the best.
joe rogan
But he's a real artist, you know?
I mean, he's really that guy.
He's really a great comic.
I mean, that's what he's...
He's supposed to do in this life.
He found the perfect occupation, he's fantastic at it, and he's got a real ethic for it.
There's a gang of them right now.
There's, you know, there's guys, people that people haven't heard of, like Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura is gaining steam.
Those guys are gaining steam, and their podcast is gaining steam.
And then there's people that people forgot about, like Attell.
amy schumer
Attell and Bill Burr are my...
I would pay to see them above everybody else right now.
joe rogan
Me, it's Stanhope.
I pay Stanhope over everybody.
He's my boy.
amy schumer
He's so funny.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, there's a bunch of great ones right now.
amy schumer
Chelsea Peretti, I think, is like...
joe rogan
I need to see her.
amy schumer
You have to see her.
joe rogan
I need to see her.
Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite, though.
If I had to choose one comic, the last set that I ever got to see in my life before the fucking Great Meteor lands, it's Diaz.
amy schumer
That's a tell for me.
joe rogan
Diaz, smoking a joint on stage, talking about his balls.
amy schumer
Just heaven.
Just take this plane right down.
joe rogan
Are you enjoying doing your show?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Is it stressful?
amy schumer
Yeah, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.
joe rogan
It's a lot of work, but the result, you're enjoying the process.
amy schumer
I enjoy the process of making it.
Awesome.
joe rogan
It's getting great reviews.
amy schumer
It is.
joe rogan
You're saying like, yeah!
amy schumer
I was like, I'm going to make this show that I think is really funny, and I didn't know if people were going to be into it.
joe rogan
There's a lot of darkness on your show.
amy schumer
Well, have you met me?
joe rogan
Well, you're a happy dark person.
It's an unusual type of darkness.
It's not overwhelming.
Overbearing is the better word.
It's a fun darkness.
amy schumer
I like to have fun, but I do.
My mind goes dark.
joe rogan
Do you face any resistance subject matter-wise or the things you want to cover?
amy schumer
No.
I don't think so.
Not really.
joe rogan
Well, that's awesome.
amy schumer
Yeah, but then it's like a lot of pressure on you because they're like, okay, the network, like, no notes.
Well, they're letting us.
Like, this season, we were like, we don't think you should be bleeping the word pussy.
And they were like, all right.
We were like, what?
joe rogan
Like, don't be a pussy or my pussy?
amy schumer
Either.
joe rogan
Whoa.
amy schumer
It can't be sexual.
joe rogan
Hmm.
Well, then it's never my pussy.
amy schumer
No, it is.
My pussy.
joe rogan
My pussy hurts?
amy schumer
Yeah, that's sexual.
joe rogan
That's sexual?
amy schumer
Well, it depends on how you say it.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, that black dick.
Damn, my pussy hurts.
amy schumer
Yeah, no.
joe rogan
Right.
amy schumer
My pussy hurts.
Then it's just like, oh, she's just talking about her pussy.
joe rogan
So they said yes to that?
amy schumer
Yeah, it's not bleeped.
And we were like, what?
unidentified
That's fantastic.
That's awesome.
Why not?
joe rogan
Welcome to the internet.
amy schumer
That's so crazy.
joe rogan
Okay, and the internet exists.
You can't just fucking pretend those words aren't being...
unidentified
Bantered around like one of those badminton birds.
joe rogan
People just tossing pussy around these days.
It's a different world.
amy schumer
I know I am.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's a different world, right?
You know, that's all self-imposed.
All their restrictions on language are completely self-imposed.
amy schumer
But I mean, people, yeah, they're just like scared.
They don't want to lose their job.
But I really appreciate them doing that.
joe rogan
Well, it's not that they lose their job.
It's losing advertising revenue.
And the revenue that they're getting from you is you're already a controversial comedian.
You're already tackling dangerous subject matter.
amy schumer
Like Seinfeld.
unidentified
Ha!
joe rogan
You're throwing it at him!
unidentified
Oh, shit!
joe rogan
I see what you're doing.
Hey, funny is funny, right?
Whatever, whatever.
Funny is funny.
So, what about shit?
Shit flies too, right?
amy schumer
What do you mean?
joe rogan
You can say bullshit, right?
amy schumer
I think there's a...
I heard the phrase tonnage issue.
I think you can say shit like a couple times.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
Now, if your show airs late at night, like after a certain time, do they have a difference in what they bleep and what they don't?
Because I know they do with stand-up.
amy schumer
Yeah, totally.
There's a lot less bleeps after.
joe rogan
There's subject matter restrictions though, even in the un-bleeped one.
What's interesting, they bleeped some shit out.
When they aired my stand-up special, my last special, they bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff.
Thank you.
They bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff that they edited out of the unedited stuff.
They decided without the bleeping, it's just this gay marriage time machine bit I have.
amy schumer
Wait, what?
I love that you did it.
You did it in Atlanta, right?
joe rogan
Yeah.
amy schumer
Why did you choose Atlanta?
joe rogan
I love Atlanta.
amy schumer
You love it?
I love it too.
joe rogan
It's an awesome city.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's one of those cities that people don't, they sleep on it.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
They sleep on Atlanta.
Atlanta's a great city.
amy schumer
Those people are ready to go nuts.
joe rogan
It's a very diverse city too.
There's a lot of diversity in Atlanta.
There's a lot of alternative people as far as tattooed up and piercings.
There's a lot of real southern people.
There's a lot of black people.
A lot of black people that are professionals.
A lot of black lawyers.
More so, I think.
You see more integration of black and white folks hanging out and partying together.
You know, I see that more in Atlanta than I do almost anywhere.
And I'm sure racism still exists.
I'm not naive, but I think that I enjoy the diversity when I go out in Atlanta.
I think it's a...
amy schumer
Yeah, it's a good feeling.
joe rogan
So much so that I've thought about living there.
There's a lot of nonsense in Atlanta, too.
amy schumer
There's a bunch of people who move to Atlanta, like celebrities have houses there.
joe rogan
It's not a bad spot.
amy schumer
That's what I feel about New Orleans.
I feel like it's the same vibe there.
It's everybody, age, race, nothing matters.
Everybody's just hanging out.
joe rogan
Well, I think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be partying, you're going to have people that are more inclined to be fun.
That's just the reality of the world that we live in.
You can pretend to be noble by what you were talking about earlier, by abstaining from sex or abstaining from things that you enjoy.
amy schumer
Drinking.
joe rogan
Yeah, you can pretend to be noble, but let's get the fuck over that.
This is nonsense.
amy schumer
Let's just hang out and have some drinks and have fun.
joe rogan
Right, and who's going to be more inclined to do that is people that are more comfortable with it.
Yeah.
amy schumer
I love that place.
joe rogan
The less restrictions people have, the more I think people can come to a comfortable state on their own without being oppressed.
Because that oppression is always going to make people spring back in the other way.
If you tell people they can't drink, they want to drink more.
If you tell people they can't fuck, they fuck behind every goddamn closed door you can find.
amy schumer
I know, I went to Catholic school.
joe rogan
I dated this girl in Catholic school, and I talk about her.
This poor girl could not, she could not help herself.
If you rolled a dick down, it was like a ball of yarn in front of a kitten.
She would just dive on it.
She didn't even know what she was doing.
She would dive on it like a crazy person.
Like, she literally, like, it's unfair if a guy pulled his cock out in front of her.
Because for her, it was just like a fucking leprechaun showed up at the bottom of the rainbow.
It was like, look, I've got the gold!
unidentified
It's right here!
amy schumer
Why does that happen?
joe rogan
Suppression.
Catholic suppression.
That's so funny.
Human beings don't like to be told...
I have children and I have daughters.
I see it very clearly.
When you tell them what to do, they go, I want to do it anyway!
But if you rationalize with them and have conversations with them and say, listen, you can't do it because it's raining outside and it gets dangerous and this is electricity.
And electricity causes sparks.
So you can't do it.
You can't go outside with this.
Oh, OK.
But I want to.
I know.
It looks like fun.
amy schumer
It looks great right now.
joe rogan
You got to go to bed.
unidentified
But I want to stay away.
joe rogan
But you got to be up in eight hours and you're going to be really tired.
I know you want to get.
But listen, just relax.
We'll read some stories.
I have these rationalization conversations with them to try to avoid that backlash that comes from being an overbearing parent or an overbearing teacher.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
People don't like that shit.
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
Nobody likes you telling them what to do.
amy schumer
No.
joe rogan
Just the way it is.
amy schumer
Right.
joe rogan
That's why suppression doesn't work in any form, whether it's sexual suppression or making alcohol difficult to get a hold of.
People want it.
amy schumer
They want it even more.
joe rogan
Look what the fuck is going on in Portugal.
They decriminalize all drugs.
And they have way lower cases of HIV, way lower cases of addiction.
All these numbers dropped.
Their society leveled out.
Because there wasn't this massive stigma attached to all this stuff anymore.
amy schumer
I did not know that.
joe rogan
Over the last nine years.
amy schumer
Would you want to take a vacation there?
joe rogan
I don't mean, why not?
Why not Portuguese?
I think if you go somewhere, another country, I mean, unless I go for work, I would at least want to acquire a rudimentary grasp of the language.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Just out of respect.
amy schumer
Yeah, that's tough.
joe rogan
It's very hard.
amy schumer
Even in Spain, you think you speak Spanish, and they're like, no, bitch, actually, you suck.
joe rogan
Well, in France, apparently, everybody talks shit about the French, but from my friends' experiences that I've talked to them, they say, as long as you try, as long as you make some effort to communicate with them, they're very polite.
What they don't like is Americans like...
How much is this?
Can I give you American money?
And, like, shake it in front of their face.
amy schumer
Yeah.
In Spain, they would, like, say something in Spanish, and they would answer you in English.
joe rogan
Oh, really?
amy schumer
Yeah, they're like, shut up.
But, yeah, but they, like, didn't respect that.
That's beautiful.
unidentified
Like, psych!
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, sorry.
amy schumer
They're like, $20.
I'm like, oh.
joe rogan
Did you like Spain?
amy schumer
Yeah, I loved it.
joe rogan
My buddy Chris lived there for a few years.
Where?
He lived in Barcelona.
amy schumer
Yeah, I almost broke up with a guy because he used the Castilian lisp and it was just the two of us.
I swear, you'd be like...
joe rogan
What is the Castilian lisp?
amy schumer
Barthelona.
joe rogan
Oh, is that how they say it?
amy schumer
Yeah, but like...
joe rogan
Barthelona?
amy schumer
Not if you're from Jersey.
joe rogan
Wait a minute, over there they say Barthelona?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Really?
I didn't know that.
amy schumer
I mean, not all over Spain, but if you're...
joe rogan
In Barcelona, they do it.
unidentified
Yeah.
amy schumer
Bartholomew.
joe rogan
And it's called the Castilian Lisp?
amy schumer
Lisp, yeah.
joe rogan
That's fascinating.
I learned a new thing from Amy Schumer.
I had no idea that was the case.
amy schumer
We've talked for probably 30 hours total, and that's...
joe rogan
That's the newest of the new things.
I'm sure I've learned some things in the past.
Let me review them.
Don't get touchy.
Well, he said that he never learned anything from me, and he was implying that I was a dumb girl.
And that's what I felt.
amy schumer
Is that me?
Is that me?
joe rogan
I'm just fucking with you.
unidentified
I know, girl.
joe rogan
We're friends, you know.
I learned.
Barthelona lisp.
amy schumer
Barthelona.
joe rogan
A Castilian lisp.
amy schumer
Imagine, like, you're just talking to your girlfriend, and she knows you're from New Jersey, and all of a sudden, just the two of you, and you're like, oh, Barthelona?
And you're like, um...
joe rogan
Barcelona.
Say it.
amy schumer
Right.
joe rogan
Say it, bitch.
You know who we are.
unidentified
I was like, please.
joe rogan
España.
amy schumer
Yeah, España.
joe rogan
When the next time we go to España.
Wait, what?
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
You mean Spain?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
The fuck are you saying?
amy schumer
You're from Trenton.
joe rogan
You know, I believe when you're over there in the culture, you should embarrass yourself.
amy schumer
I'm like, we're in a hotel room and it's just the two of us.
joe rogan
There's a lot of annoying fucking people out there, Amy Schumer, but if it wasn't for them, we would have less to talk about.
amy schumer
Very true.
joe rogan
We wouldn't have as much fun doing comedy.
amy schumer
We have to air our grievances on a microphone in front of drunk people.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, not only that, there's a give and a take to the universe.
And if everything was all blissful, we would have literally nothing to talk about or talk shit about on stage.
amy schumer
Well, thank God it's far from that.
joe rogan
Without chaos, we wouldn't exist, Amy Schumer.
amy schumer
Okay.
joe rogan
We would not exist as comedians.
There would be no need for us.
If everyone achieved enlightenment, we're a dinosaur.
We just don't know it yet.
As soon as the fucking machine plugs in and everybody becomes one, the transcendental mind, universal mind mesh happens due to technology, we're out of business.
You've got to stock up all this inside Amy Schumer money now while you can.
amy schumer
Okay.
joe rogan
Because once the fucking singularity hits, you and I are fucked.
amy schumer
When's the singularity hit?
joe rogan
Any day now.
Probably 2049, but any day now can happen.
amy schumer
I need to get some sneakers.
joe rogan
You need one dude from Silicon Valley or one gal or one guy in another country is going to come up with something.
Some fucking invention that's going to change the whole game and flip it right on its head.
And we're all going to be able to read each other's minds and there will be no more jokes.
amy schumer
I'm more worried that I forgot to Tivo Divas on E! this week.
joe rogan
I think you can probably get that on demand.
We live in a new era.
You can get a lot on demand.
A lot of shows are going on demand.
I see what you did there.
You diffused with comedy.
amy schumer
Isn't that what we're doing?
I think that's what we're doing.
joe rogan
We're good at it.
It's on tomorrow night, right?
It seems more like an interview than any conversation I've ever had with you.
amy schumer
No.
Oh, well, it's usually like a bunch of animals in here.
joe rogan
Well, no, it's just the breaking down the mindset, you know, like your thought process.
I love talking to you.
I love talking to you, too.
Glad we do it more often.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Let's do it when you're back here again.
amy schumer
I'm here the next two weeks and then I'm not here for a while.
joe rogan
Well, I miss you.
You going back to New York?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Escaping with the money?
Leaving with our milk and honey.
unidentified
That's right.
joe rogan
Going back to your dirty city on the other side of the world.
amy schumer
Bringing back the gold.
unidentified
Oh, it's not cold there anymore.
joe rogan
You can return to your lair.
That's right.
amy schumer
Dragging my sack of coins.
joe rogan
You're hedging your bets against earthquakes, but I'm living here a few months out of the year.
I see what you're doing.
Are you scared?
amy schumer
Yeah.
unidentified
Me too.
amy schumer
I just had my first one.
It was not fun.
joe rogan
I think my pool's broken.
I'm so sorry.
Oh my god, I'm fine.
I'm rich.
unidentified
Don't worry about it.
amy schumer
But I think it's a crack in my pool.
I think my pool's broken.
unidentified
I don't know what kind of gas my yacht tanks.
joe rogan
I noticed a crack in it the other day.
I think the earthquake got me these bitches.
amy schumer
These motherfuckers.
joe rogan
These motherfuckers in the earthquake.
The really crazy thing is those poor crazy assholes that live on those hills.
Like when you go through Laurel and you drive up the canyon and you see these people that are literally perched on these stilts.
amy schumer
What are you going to do?
joe rogan
It's crazy.
I watched one house fall apart when I first moved here.
It wasn't a really big earthquake.
It was a small...
You know what, actually?
I want to say it might not have even been an earthquake.
It was a landslide.
And it was a landslide on Laurel Canyon.
I guess you're going up, if you're headed towards the improv, if you're going up the valley, on the right hand side there's this house that the back of it just came down and just crushed the house.
And it was only that house on the street, so I'm pretty sure it was just a local landslide.
Just destroyed this entire house, pushed it off its foundation.
It happened really recently in Malibu too.
Like, over the last couple of years, there was a neighborhood where these people got woken up in the middle of the night, these bang, bang noises, and it was their house breaking apart and falling down the hill.
And they escaped.
They ran out of the house just in time, where half their house went tumbling into the canyon.
amy schumer
How do you sleep?
joe rogan
Like a baby.
amy schumer
You do?
You really do?
joe rogan
Like a bear, like a hibernated bear.
Like a bear that got shot with a tranquilizer dart.
amy schumer
God, because I feel like your mind, like I just...
joe rogan
I run out of gas though.
amy schumer
That's what happens to me after 10 minutes on stage.
I'm just like...
joe rogan
We're going to get out of here.
I'm going to work out at midnight.
And then I'll work out for like an hour or so.
And then I'll be exhausted by the time 2 o'clock in the morning rolls out.
And then I'm out, yo!
amy schumer
And then how long do you sleep?
unidentified
When do you wait?
joe rogan
Eight hours.
I like to sleep eight hours.
Tomorrow I gotta get up a little bit early because I gotta do some ESPN type shit.
amy schumer
Oh, nice.
joe rogan
Gotta talk about some fights, upcoming fights on Fox this weekend.
I'm also, I'm a Fox analyst.
I don't know if you know, I'm a sports analyst.
amy schumer
I can't believe you're Beyonce.
I'm more impressed with you than Eddie Yuzard.
unidentified
I'm not Beyonce.
amy schumer
Are you sure?
joe rogan
No, definitely not.
Her or Eddie Yuzard runs marathons.
I'm just talking.
It's a lot harder to run the marathons.
I wouldn't do it.
amy schumer
But you use your mind.
I get tired playing chess.
If somebody's like, oh, the stuff with the plane, my mind just shuts off.
It's just too much for me to process.
joe rogan
And I'm just like, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z. But you don't get tired when you're working on your show, right?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
I mean, you do, but you're so enthusiastic about it, right?
amy schumer
Yeah.
Same thing.
Yeah, okay.
joe rogan
It's totally the same thing.
It's completely exactly the same thing.
amy schumer
It's just like a different mindset.
joe rogan
Well, it's just, you're not passionate about chess.
So if you're playing chess, you're like, oh my god, I'm investing too much energy in this, fuck this.
But if you're working on your show trying to put a sketch together.
amy schumer
I'm like very meticulous and serious about it.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's the same thing with me.
I'm just lucky that there's more than one thing that I do.
Between the comedy and the podcasting and the UFC stuff, they're all just fun things to me.
So it's just a bunch of fun shit to do.
I talked to my friend Amy.
That's a fun shit too.
unidentified
Thank you.
joe rogan
No, thank you.
amy schumer
Have fun in Orlando.
joe rogan
We're going to have a good time.
Me and Mad Flavor, a.k.a.
Joey Diaz.
Inside Amy Schumer is on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.?
amy schumer
10.30.
joe rogan
10.30.
What time LA time?
Is it East Coast, West Coast thing?
I think so.
They air it over twice?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
They air it East Coast?
amy schumer
10.30.
joe rogan
I got the DirecTV, you know, so sometimes some of the things air on East Coast time.
What I'm trying to say is check your local listings, ladies and gentlemen.
Inside Amy Schumer.
Who else is on that lineup on Tuesday night on Comedy Central?
amy schumer
It follows Tosh.
joe rogan
Oh, that's beautiful.
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, what a great wave.
amy schumer
It's a sweet spot.
joe rogan
Oh, that is the spot.
That's like the spot after Friends used to be on Thursday night on NBC. What show was that?
A bunch of shitty ones.
amy schumer
Oh, shit.
joe rogan
It's like Caroline in the City.
It's terrible.
amy schumer
Oh, my God.
Caroline in the City.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Caroline in the Shitty, they used to call it.
amy schumer
Oh, that's what it's up.
joe rogan
She was nice, too.
amy schumer
I can picture that.
joe rogan
She wasn't a good show.
It was better than The Single Guy, though.
Remember that one?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Cool.
unidentified
Hymony.
joe rogan
Jesus.
amy schumer
Remember Herman's Head?
I love that show.
joe rogan
I don't remember.
I blocked it out.
amy schumer
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, like a finger-banging Catholic school.
amy schumer
You got finger-banged in Catholic school?
joe rogan
No, I didn't, but I blocked it out as if it was that.
I don't even know.
Probably was a good show.
I'm just talking shit.
I don't remember it at all.
amy schumer
Literally.
joe rogan
Tuesday night, 10.30.
Alright, we're done.
amy schumer
Thank you.
joe rogan
Thank you.
You're awesome.
amyschumer.com, is that your website?
amy schumer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Okay, beautiful.
Go there, everybody.
And follow her on Twitter.
S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Amy Schumer in the fucking house.
Beautiful.
amy schumer
Thanks.
joe rogan
That was fun.
Thank you.
And thanks to our sponsors.
Thanks to Onnit.com.
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Okay, we'll be back tomorrow.
We've got a lot of shit going on this week, ladies and gentlemen.
Tomorrow is The Fighter and The Kid with Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen.
And then on Wednesday, David Seaman returns, and we're going to have a lot of fun.
So much love to everybody.
Big kiss.
Oh, Wednesday night, Ice House.
We're doing a 10 p.m.
show at the Ice House.
So far, it's Ari Shafir, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me.
I'm sure more people will be added.
10pm show, 15 bucks, can't go wrong.
In your life, if you live and you love comedy, you must go to the Ice House, even if I'm not there, anybody there, at one time.
It's the oldest comedy club in the country.
It's in Pasadena.
It's been there since 61. Alright, go fuck yourself.
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