Feb. 18, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:59:13
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, sweet bitches. | ||
| That's right, the time has come once again. | ||
| Ari Shaffir is eating nature box. | ||
| This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom. | ||
| LegalZoom is a way, a convenient way, to deal with a lot of your legal shit that you would normally have to go to a lawyer to. | ||
| Deal with it online. | ||
| And deal with it naked. | ||
| You could be drunk. | ||
| Nobody could stop you. | ||
| You could say, after everything that you write, lies. | ||
| You could curse the world. | ||
| You could curse God himself. | ||
| As you're signing legal documents. | ||
| You could be having sex and getting an LLC at the same time. | ||
| No one can stop you. | ||
| You have ultimate freedom because this all exists in the virtual world. | ||
| You don't have to worry about pulling your cock out at the lawyer's office. | ||
| Like, what if you were cool with paying your wife divorce money, but you wanted to jerk off as you signed the check? | ||
| Yeah, just to remind yourself of what a pathetic fucking fool you are. | ||
| You get trapped in these terrible relationships that you wind up being financially committed to these people that you really never got along with ever for the rest of your fucking life. | ||
| And so as you're writing that down, you just jerk off all over his desk. | ||
| I bet someone would want to do that. | ||
| Someone would do it. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| But you can do it at home. | ||
| You can get divorced at home while jerking off. | ||
| No one can stop you. | ||
| You can get a will for $69. | ||
| You can incorporate or form an LLC starting at $99. | ||
| And 9 out of 10 customers. | ||
| Once you're at an LLC, you can do whatever the fuck you want to the environment. | ||
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|
unidentified
|
I don't know if that is totally true. | |
| It's like a diplomatic immunity. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| It's a limited liability company. | ||
| It's a limited liability. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It probably should be illegal. | ||
| But if it exists... | ||
| Yeah, they just called it. | ||
| They're just like, no, no, no, we can't sue us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nine out of ten people that have used LegalZoom would recommend the service to family and friends. | ||
| And you get a special discount from listening to this podcast. | ||
| Make sure you enter Rogan in the referral box at checkout for more savings. | ||
| And LegalZoom is not a law firm, but... | ||
| They can connect you with a third party attorney and provide you with self-help services. | ||
| The third party attorney thing is probably pretty important. | ||
| Independent third party attorney. | ||
| So if you fucking freak out and you're like, this is illegal, I'm going to prison! | ||
| You call the attorney and they calm down. | ||
| Calm down, dude. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| Here's how you do it. | ||
| 12 years, over 2 million Americans have used LegalZoom. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So LegalZoom, go there. | ||
| Use the code word Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of fucking people. | ||
| It's annoying to have to go to a lawyer's office and do it on their time. | ||
| What if you work weird hours? | ||
| When I worked at a law firm, they billed my hours at $25 an hour to the clients. | ||
| When I did Xerox thing for $12 an hour, they just robbed you. | ||
| Lawyer's places robbed you. | ||
| Legalzoom.com. | ||
| Use the code where Rogan. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Naturebox. | ||
| Naturebox is our latest sponsor. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| They send you delicious and nutritious snacks in the mail. | ||
| Are these really nutritious? | ||
| They are better than sugar or heroin. | ||
| It's better than meth, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, they're healthy. | ||
| Listen, they're snacks. | ||
| They're carbohydrates. | ||
| There's like rice cakes. | ||
| I had some rice sticks. | ||
| They were good. | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| No trans fats. | ||
| It's a lot more healthy than some shit that you're going to get out of a fucking vending machine. | ||
|
unidentified
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And some of them are really delicious. | |
| Granola. | ||
| The salted caramel pretzel pops. | ||
| Those are fucking really delicious. | ||
| What are some of those that you have over there, Ari? | ||
| Well, I got the harvest rice sticks, but I have to try. | ||
| Same for those for later. | ||
| Here's one important thing. | ||
| They have zero... | ||
| They have zero... | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| Zero high fructose corn syrup. | ||
| Nothing artificial. | ||
| And the Honey Dijon pretzel is very good too. | ||
| They're yummy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's better than, you know, people, you give in to temptation when you don't have options. | ||
| When your only option is that vending machine that has candy bars in it. | ||
| You go with one of that and you feel like shit. | ||
| And this is a way to get snacks that are, they're yummy and they're good for you. | ||
| They're not total shit like most of the stuff. | ||
| Cheetos and shit like that. | ||
| Not that Cheetos aren't awesome. | ||
| Yeah, pretty bad for you though. | ||
| Yep, not good. | ||
| I live next to a Pink Dot. | ||
| I just go down there when I get hungry and high. | ||
| I remember eating Cheetos one time. | ||
| You and I went to Pink Dot and we were eating subs. | ||
| Remember they used to make subs? | ||
| They still have that. | ||
| They still have that? | ||
| Yeah, they do and they're awful. | ||
| Well, they were good at one point in time. | ||
| Some of them were good. | ||
| I had an Italian there that was pretty good. | ||
| And I ate all these fucking Cheetos. | ||
| I must have ate like a giant bag of Cheetos and I felt so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
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My body was like, what did you do? | |
| I did that last night. | ||
| For just a little bit of mouth pleasure, you fucking ruined the whole body for hours and hours. | ||
| Cheetos, you can taste a lack of nutrition. | ||
| Your whole body just like... | ||
| What's this that you just shoved in the machine, you asshole? | ||
| This is unleaded! | ||
| It says unleaded! | ||
| This is not the shit you're supposed to put in here. | ||
| I know, but mouth pleasure. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, these are good for you, and they're not going to give you that feeling. | |
| Just healthy things, like granola. | ||
| Dark cocoa almonds, which are delicious. | ||
| And NatureBox ships for free, just like Nature does. | ||
| I don't know what they mean by that. | ||
| Nature does not ship for free. | ||
| I try and try and try to understand what the fuck they mean. | ||
| Nature ships for free. | ||
| No, you have to go to Nature and pick it up. | ||
| It doesn't ship. | ||
| Even if you live in Nature, it still doesn't come to you. | ||
| The only way Nature ships for free is if you're talking about pollen. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I guess pollen flies through there. | ||
| Are there any pollen products on NatureBox? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| I don't think we sell pollen. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't think we're selling pollen over at Nature's Box. | |
| Yeah, birds? | ||
| Yeah, you guys gotta get rid of that part. | ||
| Nature's Box ships for free. | ||
| Just say it ships for free. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It doesn't mean anything. | ||
| Someone wrote it and they just shouldn't... | ||
| They should've said, ah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Nature's Box. | ||
| They just forgot. | ||
| They probably just left it on there and no one said anything and it got past a bunch of people that weren't that stringent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they let it slide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nature's... | |
| Nature doesn't ship for free, son. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Nature's blocks, we're never on our period. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Nature's blocks, we're never on our period. | ||
| I don't even think you said boxes. | ||
| Oh yeah, our box. | ||
| There has to be better than ships for free. | ||
| We're never on our period. | ||
| Now I get it. | ||
| That means you're always pregnant. | ||
| Nature's box, you can come in us. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Shoot one in there. | ||
| Don't use those slogans. | ||
| Nature's box, if you're listening to me, I have the most sober one here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to use these slogans. | |
| Nature's box, shoot one in there. | ||
| These whole wheat apple picky bars are delicious. | ||
| Nature's box, shoot one in there. | ||
| Right now, your first order of NatureBox. | ||
| Get 50% off it by going to naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| That's naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| Get a handle on your health and your hunger. | ||
| Go to naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| And hey... | ||
| Shit went in there. | ||
| That's not herpes. | ||
| That's lemon tea biscuits. | ||
| Don't worry about it, bitch. | ||
| Walk it off. | ||
| Walk it off at Nature Bucks. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. If you haven't been to Onnit in a while, we've added a lot of things. | ||
| Continue to add things. | ||
| Mostly just things that we find that are beneficial. | ||
| The idea on it is a human optimization website. | ||
| What that means is we sell strength and conditioning equipment and supplements and protein powder, hemp protein powder. | ||
| We just sell things that we find that are beneficial. | ||
| These kettlebells that we have made, we have artistic kettlebells too, the zombie bells and the primal bells. | ||
| And what they are is kettlebells that look badass. | ||
| They look like They're sculptures. | ||
| They're made by this kid, Steven... | ||
| This kid. | ||
|
unidentified
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These young kids these days with their artistic talent. | |
| This man. | ||
| He might not be a kid. | ||
| I don't even know his age. | ||
| Steven Shubin Jr. He created the primal bell. | ||
| Yeah, the monkey one and the apes. | ||
| And then he also did the new ones, which are zombie bells. | ||
| They're all balanced out. | ||
| Because one of the things about kettlebells is it's all about swinging this ball, this heavy steel ball. | ||
| And it's all about balancing it and controlling it. | ||
| And if the ball was off, like with these faces, it could easily be off. | ||
| So we had them, part of the artwork is that they had to be 3D mapped. | ||
| To make sure that they still are kettlebells that you can train with with no problems. | ||
| I train with my gorilla all the time, and you can work out with it just like a rugged kettlebell. | ||
| You just have to be cognizant of where the head is facing, but you should know that anyway, and you'll be fine. | ||
| But I train with them. | ||
| They're really my favorite all-time exercise for strength and conditioning. | ||
| And I don't even mean if you're an athlete. | ||
| If you're an athlete, they're fantastic. | ||
| I mean, they're really great for... | ||
| Also for educating your body to work as one unit, carrying a heavy kettlebell and doing things like cleans and presses and things along those lines. | ||
| But it's also, they're great for regular life. | ||
| They're great for just being able to pick up a couch and help move it. | ||
| It's better to have a body that works a little better, a body that can be strong, a body that doesn't break when you try to bring home groceries. | ||
| Get your shit together, bitch. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| I like how the little bitch one is a goblin. | ||
| It's not even a zombie. | ||
| The little one is a goblin? | ||
| Is that what they're saying? | ||
| Yeah, it says it's a brain zoblin. | ||
| Brain zoblin? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Brain goblin? | ||
| I think it's a... | ||
| I think that's still a zombie, dude. | ||
| A goblin is not a zombie. | ||
| They should have one that's shaped like a pretty girl going to work. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, this doesn't look like a ghost face thriller. | ||
| It's just a funny name. | ||
| But doesn't it look like a zombie to you? | ||
| That looks like a zombie. | ||
| That doesn't look like a ghost. | ||
| No, no ghost. | ||
| There's no ghost there. | ||
| That's solid mass. | ||
| Yeah, I can't see through that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that ain't ghost-like. | ||
| It's Frankenstein-ish, if anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a zombie, dude. | ||
| That's not a goblin. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| Zombies are the ones that... | ||
| No, that... | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely not a ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, can't ghosts look like anything? | ||
| Who's to say? | ||
| You can see through a ghost. | ||
| You know what's fucked up, man? | ||
| It's really fucked up what they've done with vampires. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They've given new rules to, like, vampires. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You can go out in the sun as long as Seattle, you mean? | ||
| Well, two people did it. | ||
| It happened twice. | ||
| Once it happened with Blade, which I forgave. | ||
| It was ridiculous, but I forgave. | ||
| Why was he a daywalker? | ||
| He's a half-vampire. | ||
| He was born. | ||
| His mom was bitten, and he was born, and he became half vampire. | ||
| Not like totally vampire, some weird sort of hybrid thing. | ||
| So, Stephen Dorff was the main vampire dude, and he could go outside with sunscreen on. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's so cool. | |
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| No, you better have magic or something. | ||
| You can't just fucking put sunscreen on. | ||
| You're a vampire, man. | ||
| You burn instantly into ashes. | ||
| It was some studio execs. | ||
| Like, hey, we wrote this part. | ||
| But he's outside during the day. | ||
| Like, we'll figure it out, writer. | ||
| I don't remember that from the comic book either, because Blade was a favorite comic book of mine. | ||
| I was always a big Marvel comic book fan. | ||
| I love Blade. | ||
| I don't even remember that as a comic book. | ||
| Oh, he was awesome. | ||
| He'd fight fucking, fight vampires and shit. | ||
| He used a teak knife in all those books. | ||
| It was cool when he showed up at that party. | ||
| Dude, he was cool, too. | ||
| Look, man, I know I was supposed to fight that guy, but I'm a Wesley Snipes fan. | ||
| I think he was awesome. | ||
| Is he still in prison? | ||
| No, he's out now. | ||
| He's back doing movies again. | ||
| He was awesome in Blade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently he was completely crazy by the time Blade 2... | ||
| By the time Blade 2... | ||
| Audit.com, Rogan, use the code word Rogan. | ||
| This is where we're obviously doing a podcast. | ||
| Fuck the music, man. | ||
| Ari Shaffir is here. | ||
| We don't have to do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the time he was doing Blade 2 or 3, apparently he was off the handle. | ||
| Patton Oswalt wrote a whole blog entry about it. | ||
| On Meeting I'm Into? | ||
| Describing it. | ||
| Describing it. | ||
| He might have performed it somewhere. | ||
| He might have performed it. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I remember hearing about it, I think. | ||
| Holy shit, it was crazy. | ||
| It was like Ryan O'Neal and him. | ||
| And apparently, Wesley was gone. | ||
| He was just off the deep end crazy on the set. | ||
| And so they replaced him with what Patton called much cooler black guys. | ||
| They replaced him with another guy. | ||
| Who just did the scenes? | ||
| Yeah, did the martial arts stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I couldn't deal with him? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| Wasn't he already sort of a movie star? | ||
| He went crazy in between there and there? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I think probably some substances were involved. | |
| Oh yeah, it's always that. | ||
| It's usually. | ||
| It's always that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you see them taking whatever and you're like, oh, oh. | ||
| It's also, I don't think we can imagine what it's like to be that famous. | ||
| I think for some people, it's just, and then you get hooked up with the wrong people in your life and you're fucking around with the wrong friends and getting in trouble. | ||
| It happens to so many of them. | ||
| Elvis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a drug. | ||
| Well, the nature of the business, like if you're a person who's in the limelight that heavily, like the nature of the business becomes very bizarre. | ||
| You know, the nature of your reality, you're getting around. | ||
| Yeah, everyone treats you like a commodity. | ||
| We were talking about Justin Bieber, like how Justin Bieber, the kid's like, everywhere he goes, people fucking freak out just to see him. | ||
| He's like some weird alien. | ||
| We can't imagine what the fuck that's like. | ||
| I just feel bad for him now. | ||
| Sort of, in a way, I mean, it's not an ideal way to live. | ||
| It seems awesome, like, don't feel bad, he's got all this money, but it's a crazy, like, burden to throw on somebody. | ||
| Brent Tobler told me he got into an elevator with Jessica Simpson, and she turns to the woman she's with us and goes, he's not supposed to be in here. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, he was just going up to whatever his room was in. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what, though? | ||
| How do you start expecting that? | ||
| This is wrong! | ||
| It is totally wrong, but in her defense, to be her as a woman and be super duper stupor famous, she must be so vulnerable. | ||
| It must be weird to the opportunity for a guy to get in an elevator with her. | ||
| Like, men want to fuck her. | ||
| When she's not used to it. | ||
| So much. | ||
| There's so many men who, like... | ||
| And a guy who knows that he could probably physically take advantage of her and can't believe that he's in her presence in a trapped environment like an elevator. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If he's a really creep, you know? | ||
| He would go to town. | ||
| He could. | ||
| He would ravage her. | ||
| Be horrible. | ||
| I mean, you're much more vulnerable as a woman if you're that stupor famous. | ||
| So you think she puts in a rider when she goes to a hotel? | ||
| It's like, okay, but you gotta let him know. | ||
| No one can ride with me. | ||
| No, you can't do that. | ||
| She might have rules that her security follows. | ||
| Her security, you know, she might have rules. | ||
| She doesn't want security to let anybody in the hotel lobby with her or let anybody in the elevator with her. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She might. | ||
| But it's like, people don't have to listen to that. | ||
| Yeah, but how do you stay normal after that? | ||
| After no one's allowed to be in the elevator with you? | ||
| Well, here's the thing about you and I, is that we're stand-up comedians. | ||
| And by being a stand-up comedian, you're all the time forced to look at everything. | ||
| You look at yourself. | ||
| You look at what you're saying. | ||
| You look at the world around you. | ||
| You're looking for jokes in things. | ||
| You're looking for jokes in yourself. | ||
| You're looking for jokes in your own life. | ||
| A lot of people don't do that ever. | ||
| They're not ever thinking about their behavior. | ||
| They're just doing what they can get away with. | ||
| And they're acting as fucking Looney Tunes off the deep end as they can get away with it. | ||
| As they continue to get away with more and more Looney Tunes shit. | ||
| They get worse and worse. | ||
| Well, that's what the whole Diva thing is all about, man. | ||
| I mean, she has so much power to yell and scream at people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| They said, Roseanne, every more year she had her show, they were just firing more showrunners. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| She was on the podcast talking about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, she was talking about it. | ||
| Just like getting rid of people. | ||
| Well, she talked about how crazy she went. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, she's pretty open about it. | ||
| I mean, she's essentially saying what you're saying. | ||
| She's saying that nobody can handle it. | ||
| It's just too... | ||
| One after another, they all fall. | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| Justin Bieber, there's no way he's normal. | ||
| No way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to rush people. | ||
| Dude, you're scrawny, man. | ||
| He's so young, too. | ||
| You know, for him to be so young and to have that happen to him. | ||
| It's a fucking wild ride, man. | ||
| That's not a normal ride of life. | ||
| You're not a man yet. | ||
| You're a child and you're adored. | ||
| That's not supposed to happen that way. | ||
| You're supposed to feel insecure. | ||
| You can see how they become that King Joffrey. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, he's not. | ||
| You were raised in that? | ||
| I'm sure he's not. | ||
| I'm sure a lot of it is exaggerated. | ||
| He seems like a nice kid. | ||
| I met him once. | ||
| I shook his hand in his dad's hand at the UFC. Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he seems like a nice kid. | ||
|
unidentified
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Do you tremble? | |
| What do I know? | ||
| I didn't know who he was. | ||
| I didn't know who he was until I was shaking his hand. | ||
| Like, as I was shaking his hand, I was like, that's not a singer, kid. | ||
| This was a while ago, but he's much more famous now than even he was then. | ||
| Like, he's like in some crazy stratosphere of fame thing now. | ||
| But, I think all of us... | ||
| Does he just exude fame where you're like, Jesus. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He was just a nice kid. | ||
| Just came over and said... | ||
| I realized as I was shaking his hand that it was Justin Bieber. | ||
| Like I said, this was like two years ago. | ||
| Probably two. | ||
| Might even be three. | ||
| Nice is all well and good, but being able to handle that kind of fame, I couldn't imagine how anybody could not Elvis it. | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| It seems like your reality is just so bizarre. | ||
| Yeah, if you're just entitled to something, you were just like, alright, I'll just take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think they're just picking on him to a point where, like, I mean, they're, like, making news stories of him peeing in a mop bucket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're making news stories of him being a 21-year-old egging his neighbor's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, hold on. | ||
| I think that was real. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But it is real. | ||
| But, I mean, when I was 21... | ||
| It's like, right, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| We all did that. | ||
| We all did that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're not any better than that. | ||
| But a 21-year-old that's got $500 million or whatever he's got, that becomes more interesting to people. | ||
| You have to get mad at him. | ||
| You pee in a bucket. | ||
| You have that much money. | ||
| He's got to pee. | ||
| He's alive. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're drunk. | |
| The house, the egging the house thing, I kind of disagree. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with that being a story. | ||
| I think that's a real important story. | ||
| Yeah, I agree, but he got caught. | ||
| But it's like, that is the worst. | ||
| Like, all these other things are just so minor. | ||
| It's like Miley Cyrus. | ||
| Like, well, yeah, you're 19 and slutting it up. | ||
| Yeah, you're from the fucking south. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| On target. | ||
| I bet you if you were hanging out with him, it would be just like hanging out with your friends. | ||
| Oh, you want to smoke weed? | ||
| Oh, dude, let's get a little fast in the car. | ||
| Oh, let's do this. | ||
| And then of all those things that you've did, they've made stories out of all these little minor details. | ||
| Every time you go on TMZ, it's something stupid. | ||
| Like, Bieber did this. | ||
| He flicked off. | ||
| There was smoke coming out of his car. | ||
| Well, he becomes the show. | ||
| See, the problem is when you step out like that and you're driving a chrome car, what he's doing is he's stepping out. | ||
| He's racing Lamborghinis in Miami and he's getting fucked up here and he's getting fucked up there and he's having fun. | ||
| He's having a great time. | ||
| I bet he's having a great time. | ||
| He's doing the best I've ever imagined a 19-year-old kid could do. | ||
| With a half a billion dollars. | ||
| He's doing great. | ||
| Like, leave him alone, man. | ||
| His dads are on him all the time, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| He's like, I'm just trying to make good music, dude. | ||
| What the fuck should I do? | ||
| He's having a blast, is what he's having. | ||
| But, boy, he's on a crazy rocket ship ride. | ||
| There's no way it doesn't implode. | ||
| He's strapped to the head of, like, a missile and shot through the sky. | ||
| And it's like, wow, the fucking, you know, the ride is very fast and very exciting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But the landing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is the lending going to be like? | ||
| They stop trying to make him out like a virgin anymore. | ||
| How long are you going to keep balling? | ||
| How long can you keep balling that hard? | ||
| He's got a chrome car. | ||
| He's 19. He's got a chrome car. | ||
| He's throwing eggs at his fucking neighbor's house. | ||
| Shirley Temple retired at 21. Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was like, I'm getting out of the business. | ||
| I'm living off residuals. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She lived a normal life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like 10 years, nobody even fucking bother. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That might be the move. | ||
| That might be the move. | ||
| Just like, cool, I did it. | ||
| Now I'm good. | ||
| I'm set on this. | ||
| Let me just work on my painting. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, as you see more and more instances of people that get that super stratosphere of fame and more and more Michael Jackson's, you know. | ||
| Michael Jackson, to me, is the most fascinating character study ever. | ||
| On human beings that I've ever witnessed because I think he is... | ||
| He never went down and fainted. | ||
| Well, I guess sort of, but not really. | ||
| Well, he kind of did and then didn't and, you know, he's sort of still in the mix because people didn't want to believe that he was a child molester. | ||
| Nobody wanted to believe it. | ||
| Dude, that guy, it became a fucking freak. | ||
| He became... | ||
| A monster. | ||
| He became a monster. | ||
| He turned into a monster. | ||
| He became a monster. | ||
| He became this white-skinned, vampire-like guy with alien eyes. | ||
| Pig-nosed. | ||
| He had his eyes worked on to the point where his eyes were really big and wide. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| He had a bunch of weird shit done to his face. | ||
| He had a dimple put in. | ||
| And then he played the Super Bowl like that. | ||
| And he denied ever having anything done. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yes, yes he did, yes. | ||
| What? | ||
| He denied having anything done. | ||
|
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|
Like, I went to have my nose fixed, but that was because something went wrong. | |
| And then he pretended to have a baby with somebody? | ||
| Yeah, and the kids came out white. | ||
| With Elvis' daughter? | ||
| Did they say they had a baby with her? | ||
| Well, no, no, no. | ||
| He didn't have a baby with her, but he had with this one woman. | ||
| Supposedly, she was pregnant with his kids, and the kids came out totally white. | ||
| Totally white. | ||
| Completely white. | ||
| Like, it's one of the weirdest things ever. | ||
| And I guess you're supposed to just, I don't know what you're supposed to question. | ||
| You're supposed to keep believing in him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The guy... | ||
| Do you remember when he was doing the interview in Vegas and he was going through that statue store? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I totally remember that. | ||
| And he was like, well, you know, the fame is pretty nice. | ||
| I'll have two of those, please. | ||
| And this guy behind him is leering, just like, all right, that's $200,000. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep, that one's $150,000 each. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're just tiling it up. | ||
| We just keep going, yeah, doing the interview and ordering shit, just walking through. | ||
| It was kind of like a cry for help, man. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| That video was kind of like a cry for help. | ||
| What did that kid say? | ||
| This is that guy that's saying that Michael Jackson molested him when he was a kid, and now he's trying to get money out of this state, and the state's saying, you waited too long, too bad. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| This is not his money anymore, it's our money. | ||
| What do you think, though, man? | ||
| You know, there's also the possibility that he didn't molest kids, or he... | ||
| There's nothing I know about the world that would say that that's a realistic possibility. | ||
| But, yeah, it was... | ||
| Could it be that people were trying to take advantage of a guy that's just fucking really weird? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| That's why... | ||
|
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|
And sad. | |
| That's the only way people aren't, like, at his door with pitchforks, is there's a possibility. | ||
| Well, he's dead. | ||
| People just made it up. | ||
| I don't need to be at his door today. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| He died the weirdest death ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy who's taking this... | ||
| I mean, he's getting put under every night. | ||
| That's how he's going to sleep. | ||
| That's how he went to jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Can you imagine you take it to the next level? | ||
| Go to sleep? | ||
| You're getting anesthetized. | ||
| Just tuck yourself in, man. | ||
| You'll be okay. | ||
| How about sleeping pills? | ||
| It's not strong enough, bitch. | ||
| I need something more. | ||
|
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|
I got nightmares. | |
| Well, I just think if you just... | ||
| Michael, if you just lay your head down, just count sheep for a little bit. | ||
| It could probably work... | ||
| Well, that shows me you're not listening to me. | ||
| I'm just saying, try it without the stuff. | ||
| Yeah, he wasn't even willing to endure that. | ||
| Nope, nope, we're not going to be staying up another night. | ||
| Put me under. | ||
| Anesthetized me. | ||
| And the doctor was so crazy, he just did it. | ||
| He was getting paid so much. | ||
|
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|
He fucking conked him out every night. | |
| I guess that's super bad for you. | ||
| I guess you're not supposed to anesthetize yourself every night. | ||
| It seems like that would be a no-brainer. | ||
| Do you sleep? | ||
| Yeah, not really. | ||
|
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|
Sort of. | |
| You're just out. | ||
| I wake more refreshed. | ||
| Well, isn't that like side effect of that particular type of anesthesia? | ||
| No, you wake up and you feel refreshed. | ||
| It's like there's some sort of a trick to it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| After like 30 minutes? | ||
| I kind of remember reading that. | ||
| I should probably pull it up. | ||
| I think there was a particular type of anesthesia that he was into. | ||
| When I got put out at Eddie Bravo's class, I felt so refreshed afterwards. | ||
| That's different. | ||
|
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|
Really? | |
| Yeah, you wake up and I was like, when he was like, you can get back in there. | ||
| I was like, can I really? | ||
| I just felt like... | ||
| I felt like I'm rested. | ||
| I felt like I had a nap for 30 minutes. | ||
| So his anesthesia, do you guys remember what it was called? | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| The type they gave him to him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| The anesthesia that they got him with. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Propofol. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Propofol. | ||
| Propofol. | ||
|
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|
So let's look at Propofol's benefits. | |
| Propofol. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do it even once. | ||
| I can't go to sleep. | ||
| What else have you got? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I have a meeting at 10 a.m. | ||
| We've got to go to sleep. | ||
| The idea that someone could get that far gone. | ||
| They could get that far gone where they just need to be put out. | ||
| Do you think there were other doctors who were like, Michael, I can't do that. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Until he got a doctor and was like, alright, I guess I'll do it. | ||
| I guess this doctor thought he was going to be able to keep him alive. | ||
| And if he kept him alive, he would be still pulling money out of Michael for a long time. | ||
| I mean, that's the only reason why it makes any sense that anybody would agree to do this. | ||
| It's because they need money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or they want the money. | ||
| I mean, there's a reason why it's not legal. | ||
| It's not ethical. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's scary that you can get a doctor to agree to just put you under every night. | ||
| I took an oath. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I'm trying to find the disadvantages. | ||
| Disadvantages of going to sleep every night by the gas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just the disadvantages of using it. | ||
| Yeah, let me hear them. | ||
| By the way, I'll be in Chicago at Zany's this weekend. | ||
| Powerful Chicago Zany's. | ||
| Small club. | ||
| Cool place. | ||
| Yeah, I've never been. | ||
| Supposed to be one of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| I've never been either. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's supposed to be one of those small ones, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's real small. | ||
| I think it's like less than 200 seats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's jammed, though. | ||
| I'm doing three shows on Saturday and two shows on Sunday. | ||
| You'll love it. | ||
| I fucking love Chicago. | ||
| Chicago's incredible. | ||
| Cool vibe. | ||
| Ah, the best. | ||
| There's something fantastic about that town. | ||
| I mean, this is a mess right now as far as crime, especially with young urban kids, like the gang warfare. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In Chicago? | ||
| Yeah, it's horrible. | ||
| Like gang fighting and murders. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot of that going on. | ||
| That's unpleasant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that shit going on. | ||
| It's got one of the highest murder rates in the country. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, when I was there... | ||
| I barely ever played there. | ||
| You never played there? | ||
| I know, I have, but barely. | ||
| Did you ever do it with me? | ||
| I just did it with you. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You fucked my ass. | ||
| I thought it was like a week ago. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| It'll be all different material if you come out with me. | ||
| I'm not going to repeat any of that stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Derf. | ||
| There's a type of person that comes from the Midwest. | ||
| They're like grounded. | ||
| Genuine? | ||
| Yeah, there's sort of a genuine, grounded quality. | ||
| A lot of hard-working people, a lot of people that have worked on farms, a lot of people that have families that worked on farms, people that came over here, their relatives came over here a long-ass time ago. | ||
| You know what I saw there once, though? | ||
| I saw, it was one of the early days I went there with you. | ||
| And there was this, they put us into like a VIP area, those nightclubs. | ||
| And some girl was flirting and then she came in and sat with us. | ||
| I was like, yeah, sure, yes, come on in. | ||
| And then as soon as she went in, some girl behind the rope bumped her and she just gave her this look like, excuse me, you need to keep out of here. | ||
| This is my area right now. | ||
| She just took it over. | ||
| She kicked a girl out of them? | ||
| I'm so confused. | ||
| She just got invited into some VIP area and immediately started acting like she was better than everyone else. | ||
| The first time I saw that in girl behavior. | ||
| Oh, I see where you're saying. | ||
| She was somehow the queen all of a sudden. | ||
| Yeah, people can be gunty. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| I definitely explained that the least. | ||
| You might be too hard to talk right now. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| My tolerance went down in New York. | ||
| Might want to slow your roll. | ||
| Yeah, the New York thing is a bummer, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's such a horrible way to live. | ||
| For folks who don't know, alright? | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying this like this is the way you have to live. | ||
| I'm just letting you know. | ||
| In Los Angeles, it is unbelievably ridiculously easy to procure marijuana. | ||
| Yeah, you just pull over. | ||
| It's essentially legal. | ||
| It's essentially legal. | ||
| If you have a medical license, it's legal. | ||
| If you don't have a medical license, it's decriminalized. | ||
| That's one of the things that Arnold did when he left office. | ||
| As long as you're not smoking weed and driving like an asshole, it's pretty fucking legal. | ||
| You're doing it in the privacy of your own home. | ||
| Cops don't give a shit. | ||
| I had a cop in my window give me a lecture about texting with a half-smoked bowl in the middle. | ||
| He's leaning in for two minutes. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| What people are concerned with, especially police officers, is people that are fucking dangerous. | ||
| That's what they're concerned with. | ||
| If you see a guy texting, that's dangerous. | ||
| If you see a guy and his van looks like Cheech and Chong, that guy's probably driving really fucking slow as the smoke leaves his cracked window. | ||
| That guy's going to be, he's probably going to be really scared to merge, but other than that... | ||
| In Maryland, I couldn't figure it out. | ||
| Even with my friend, we wanted to smoke pot, but we couldn't do it at each other's parents' house. | ||
| So we just got in the car. | ||
| We got no other options. | ||
| But then your car smells like weed. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You got to make that choice. | ||
| You make that choice to smoke in your car, your car's always going to smell like weed. | ||
| No, just for like 10 minutes. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| Unless you close doors right when you finish smoking. | ||
| You get one of those pot-smoking dogs, come there a month later, you'll be like... | ||
| It smells like weed. | ||
| I found weed in my car on the way to the airport this time that was in the center console for maybe a year or two. | ||
| I didn't try it yet. | ||
| I was on the way to the airport. | ||
| I know edibles lose their potency. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Yeah, they go away. | ||
| It goes away almost entirely. | ||
| It gets to the point where they don't do anything. | ||
| But they only have like a certain... | ||
| Tom McCormick explained it to me once, but I don't remember. | ||
| I gave Tony some weed that was in the back of my fridge for like three years once. | ||
| He's like, if you want it, you can have it. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I got me high as fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, I guess maybe the dried plants, it's different than when you cook it. | ||
| It's like the cooking aspect of it, I think, or the putting it into an edible form. | ||
| Something about like... | ||
| Spiciness goes away if you leave the top off too long. | ||
| Does it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, of what? | ||
| Let's say you have a thing of the red sauce. | ||
| Not the sriracha sauce, but the ones with all the... | ||
| The seeds in them. | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Spreadable kind. | ||
| Okay, yeah, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| If you take the top off that and just let it, like, oxygenate. | ||
| Is that scientific? | ||
| A lot of the spiciness goes away. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, it's just observation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're the one who turned me on to that fucking shit. | ||
| What is that stuff that you gave me? | ||
| That bomb? | ||
| It's a bomb? | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| It's a thing of spaghetti. | ||
| He gave me this hot sauce that looks like... | ||
| So small. | ||
| It even has a nuclear warning sign on it. | ||
| It has a little nuclear sign on it. | ||
| It's such a small bottle. | ||
| How horrific could this stuff possibly be? | ||
| Everyone's always like... | ||
| It's such a small bottle. | ||
| How are they so confident to sell me that much hot sauce? | ||
| Is it just that one pepper? | ||
| The ghost pepper? | ||
| Yeah, ghost pepper. | ||
| I don't know if it's ghost pepper. | ||
| It might be that caspicum... | ||
| Capsaicum. | ||
| Capsaicum, yeah. | ||
| Well, let's find out. | ||
| See, da bomb? | ||
|
unidentified
|
D-A. D-O-M-B. Oh, you got it. | |
| Habanero peppers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| That's a different one. | ||
| There's a death one. | ||
| There's three in there. | ||
| The black one? | ||
| There's the little tiny death one. | ||
| Whatever the little tiny death one is. | ||
| That one? | ||
| The final answer? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is it bomb dropping in the middle? | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| But literally three drops into a plate of spaghetti and marinara sauce. | ||
| Three drops and then mix up the whole thing. | ||
| Is that the same sauce? | ||
| It looks different. | ||
| I guess they have a bunch of different flavors. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few different flavors. | ||
| Okay, this is it. | ||
| The bomb beyond insanity. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This is the one. | ||
| See this one right here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, well, whatever. | ||
| Whatever the fuck the name of this stuff is. | ||
| I got cocky. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I put like a half a teaspoon of that shit in. | ||
| And I took your suggestions. | ||
| I think it was, no. | ||
| It was either spaghetti or it was chicken noodle soup from Jerry's Famous Deli. | ||
| You took my suggestion, what, and doubled it? | ||
| I took your suggestion and put it into spaghetti. | ||
| I put it in noodles. | ||
| Actually, I'm pretty sure that it was the chicken noodle soup, because I get that all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But holy fuck, I was in agony. | |
| I was like, this is the most ridiculous hot sauce of all time. | ||
| It's got a good flavor to it, though. | ||
| It does, but I went to war. | ||
| I went to war with my body. | ||
| Shit it out. | ||
| It says habanero pepper enhanced with habanero-infused flavor create a sauce measured at 119,700 Scoville units of heat. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wicked beyond belief. | ||
| To give you a context, a jalapeno pepper is 2,500. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| 119,700 Scoville units of heat. | ||
| It's so hot. | ||
| I did the same thing on a plate of spaghetti. | ||
| I took like a whole teaspoon, ate one bite, fought on the ground for a while, dumped the whole thing back into the whole tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot. | ||
| I didn't think that it was just habanero. | ||
| It seemed so strong. | ||
| I felt like it had to be more than habanero. | ||
| There's voodoo in there. | ||
| There's not some voodoo in there. | ||
| I've had really good habanero sauce and, you know, real strong stuff, but it was nothing like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was so off the deep end. | ||
| So good. | ||
| You ever have El Yucateca? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| That's my shit. | ||
| They said that at the griddle. | ||
| That's my shit. | ||
| The Mexicans know how to make the best hot sauce, period, dude. | ||
| Their habanero sauce, that El Yucateca, it's delicious. | ||
| It's hot, but it's also really delicious. | ||
| Like, I put a lot of that shit on my eggs, and it's got a lot of heat, but it's still, the taste is so good. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people don't understand that. | ||
| It's a lot about the taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's the pain that goes with the good taste. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to just suffer like an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you ever get challenged when you put a bunch of hot sauce on something and be like, drink this whole thing then. | ||
| Drink this whole thing at Tabasco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, I'm not trying to win a challenge. | |
| Yeah, what? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's like your dad, if he catches you smoking a cigarette, wants you to smoke the whole pack. | ||
| Listen, bitch, I just wanted to try cigarettes. | ||
| You have to fucking stuff them in my face. | ||
| Yeah, smoke the whole pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hear about CVS? What happened with CVS? Oh, they're not going to sell cigarettes anymore. | |
| Not going to sell tobacco products at all. | ||
| I think it's weird that they did anyways or how they sell alcohol. | ||
| They sell alcohol and it's supposed to be a place to get medicine. | ||
| Yeah, this is what I thought. | ||
| For the longest time I was blaming all these Philip Morris like, oh, they know it's addictive. | ||
| They're still fucking putting it out there. | ||
| But then you're like, oh, what about the people selling it? | ||
| They know too. | ||
| They've read the stats. | ||
| They're just making money off it. | ||
| They could easily do what the CVS is doing. | ||
| Especially in pharmacies. | ||
| Well, it's weird, man, because there's part of me that says, hey, I want to be able to buy cigarettes if I was an idiot. | ||
| If I was an idiot and I decided to start smoking cigarettes, I'd want to be able to buy them. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if CVS sells them. | ||
| If CVS wants to keep selling them... | ||
| I get it if you don't want to make them illegal, but... | ||
| Some health place does not have to sell the fucking agents of death. | ||
| That is kind of creepy that it's a CVS. Yeah. | ||
| I think about it that way. | ||
| Yeah, because they have tequila, they have alcohol, and then they have medicine on the next side. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That just makes no sense. | ||
| I mentioned on Twitter, all these people are like, oh, they still sell candy, they still do this. | ||
| I'm like, guys, it's a good thing. | ||
| It gives people less, like, direct access, easy access to a harmful product. | ||
| It's just good. | ||
| And somebody's like, well, they're just going to get all this business from the insurance companies now. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, they should get rewarded. | ||
| That you get rewarded? | ||
| Yeah, when you do a good thing, it's nice when those people get rewarded. | ||
| It doesn't make it bad. | ||
| The idea that you could just sell things that you know are going to kill people is pretty fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, how are they not held liable? | ||
| I mean, it's not even something that gets you... | ||
| There's something about... | ||
| There's a willingness when you decide you're going to drink. | ||
| If we're at a comedy club, you want to do shots? | ||
| Alright, we're doing shots. | ||
| There's this thing that happens when you decide that you're going to drink that is beneficial. | ||
| There's camaraderie in it. | ||
| There's fun in it. | ||
| There's happiness to it. | ||
| If you're doing it right, you can enjoy the experience of having a couple of drinks. | ||
| But the experience of smoking cigarettes is just death. | ||
| I mean, that's all it is. | ||
| No, it's nice when you get in a good circle with people. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not changing your fucking state. | ||
| I mean, it might be giving you a little bit of a stimulation, right? | ||
| It gives you a stimulant sort of effect, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| It's just a friendly thing. | ||
| That's what hurt me the most is not smoke when you see like a bunch of people just in a circle. | ||
| I'm like, I want to be part of that. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, there's a thing people do. | ||
| People like to do that with cigars. | ||
| They like to sit around cigars and smoke with a bunch of guys. | ||
| Now it's really weird because all the comics are using these things, so you just see circles of people using these fake electronic hookahs. | ||
| Well, those are better for you, man. | ||
| What do you think of those? | ||
| Those are fucking better for you. | ||
| That shit is better for you than cigarettes, period. | ||
| This is great for me for... | ||
| Like for chain smoking or when I'm inside. | ||
| It's like chain smoking is the thing I would do. | ||
| I wouldn't even think about it. | ||
| I'd be like working and I'd be smoking, put it out. | ||
| I'm like, wait, where's my... | ||
| Oh, I already put it out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So that's good for like the in-betweens and when I'm driving and traffic. | ||
| Big Jay's been like a two-pack-a-day smoker for like years and years. | ||
| And he's gone like 120 days just on those. | ||
| They help people quit. | ||
| The good thing about this is besides like the blue cigarettes and like those little... | ||
| Disposable nicotine ones. | ||
| You don't get any kind of satisfaction from that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That one looks too much, though. | ||
| It looks too big. | ||
| You're calling attention to yourself. | ||
| You're calling attention to yourself. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a whole device. | ||
| It's a bunch of smoke, though. | ||
| It's curved to the top. | ||
| It's not even straight on. | ||
| You're angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're Joey Diaz. | |
| It's just too much attention. | ||
| It's just too big. | ||
| Why is it too much attention? | ||
| Because it's like, look at this thing I'm doing. | ||
| I'm doing something different. | ||
| Everyone look. | ||
| Is that what it is, or is there any benefit? | ||
| The ones that look the same size, I get that. | ||
| Alright, a blue tip goes off fine. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| You mean like a... | ||
| There's oil in there. | ||
| Blue cigs? | ||
| Yeah, those blue cigs, yeah. | ||
| The difference is this battery lasts a long time, and it has a lot of juice in it. | ||
| It looks like an electric toothbrush. | ||
| It does look like an electric toothbrush. | ||
| It looks like one of those things that they put in your ear to look around. | ||
| It has a readout also. | ||
| It tells your temperature. | ||
| And it also tells you how many hits you've had, and it also says, like, what, your battery life? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That is a trick. | ||
| Let me see that thing, man. | ||
| And what's really cool is that they have these bars now in Los Angeles that are huge bars, and they're like mixology bars. | ||
| So you go and you're like, yeah, I want cotton candy, but Pez? | ||
| And they go, okay. | ||
| Oh, and make it of those? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like these, like, it's almost going to, like, a bar. | ||
| Okay, Ari, you're wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This thing's dope. | ||
| Take a hit of it. | ||
| You wear fanny packs. | ||
| I do wear fanny packs. | ||
| I sell fanny packs. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I'm selling them now at Higher Primate. | ||
| I got a beautiful one from Roots with the Higher Primate logo on it. | ||
| With boots? | ||
| Roots. | ||
| You know, Roots, the company that makes bags. | ||
| They make leather bags. | ||
| Yeah, they made me one with a Higher Primate logo on it. | ||
| Well, I got it from Dice. | ||
| Dice came in and he had sweatpants on and this fanny pack. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's a beautiful fanny pack. | ||
| I'm like, where'd you get that? | ||
| He's like, oh, yeah, it's from Roots. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| And he's showing me the fanny pack. | ||
| And so I got the Dice Clay fanny pack. | ||
| I want one. | ||
| You can get one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll get you one. | |
| My fanny pack is a Dice Clay inspired. | ||
| I just ordered some sweatpants online. | ||
| I'm waiting to get them. | ||
| And I'm just going to start wearing sweatpants. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Do not do that. | ||
| Yeah, I am. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, do it. | |
| Do it. | ||
| I'm going to wear track suits. | ||
| No, don't do that. | ||
| They're comfortable. | ||
| No, stop it. | ||
| No, he's got a thing. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I agree with this. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| They're not! | ||
| They're comfortable. | ||
| I'm not worried about that look. | ||
| They have those new sweatpants, too, that look like pants. | ||
| Have you seen these things? | ||
| It could not go out like that. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It could not go out like that. | ||
| If you're wearing sweatpants, you've got to wear sweatpants. | ||
| You're a fool. | ||
| You can't put fucking racing stripes on a Cadillac. | ||
| That's just stupid. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| If you're going to wear sweatpants, they're sweatpants. | ||
| Make them look like sweatpants. | ||
| Are they going to have a crease in it that makes it look like a tuxedo? | ||
| I'm going to start wearing tracksuits. | ||
| Please don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please do not. | |
| I cannot sit with you if you do that. | ||
| You can. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| I supported you through your cardigan days. | ||
| I never said a word. | ||
| I never shit on your fucking terrible dress habits. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| How dare you say that you wouldn't support me for athletic wear. | ||
| That's just preposterous. | ||
| If you're doing athletics, I can see it. | ||
| I'm an athletic guy. | ||
| I like to move around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need some clothes that don't hold me down. | |
| See, these are sweatpants, but they look like regular pants. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| I would wear those. | ||
| I'd wear those, yeah. | ||
| I actually would love to wear those. | ||
| That actually seems like something that I would wear every day. | ||
| Those do not look like sweatpants. | ||
| You're looking at right at his cock, aren't you? | ||
| You can't help it. | ||
| I looked at it. | ||
| I looked at it for a full three or four seconds. | ||
| This is Joe, and he's going to be wearing Cookie Monster sweatpants. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It'll be covered with cat hair. | ||
| I'll show you how much of a bait I am. | ||
| I'm all for the tracksuits. | ||
| I think that needs to make a comeback. | ||
| I hate wearing jeans. | ||
| We're so concerned with what kind of clothes we wear. | ||
| People who are really into style, they're always annoying. | ||
| They're almost always annoying when they start talking to you about, this is Gucci, this is Fendi, this is Ralph Lauren. | ||
| My artist friend told me that there's all these older artists and they're getting a little successful and they have sleeves, but they're like, oh, I only wear these type of shoes. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being into clothes. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with enjoying. | ||
| I think clothes are artwork. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But there's people that are really obsessively into style and kind of snobbish about it. | ||
| That's a weird thing to give a fuck about. | ||
| You give a fuck that this guy has paint on his pants? | ||
| If you and I are hanging out and you have paint on your pants, I could give zero fucks. | ||
| Is that a better thing? | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| No, I'm just saying if you choose to wear a type of shoe, or you choose to wear... | ||
| Like, I make fun of Callum's shoes all the time. | ||
| In Portland, you can wear anything you want. | ||
| You should be able to wear anything you want everywhere. | ||
| But someone who's into, like, rigid style, like, oh, that's out of style. | ||
| That's out of style. | ||
| Says fucking... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Says fucking who. | ||
| You tell me what the hell board decides what's in style and not in style. | ||
| Wear whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If you want to wear some sweatpants, wear some fucking sweatpants. | ||
| And anyone who cares is an idiot. | ||
| You fool. | ||
| You care that that guy's walking around in sweatpants? | ||
| Why do you give a fuck? | ||
| Why would anybody care even slightly? | ||
| That someone's walking around wearing sweatpants. | ||
| In the office? | ||
| In the boardroom? | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| You have to wear that weird stupid outfit that you wear with these stiff corners, these sharp edges and a tie around your neck and cufflinks that are so fucking stupid you have to stick some metal extraneous pieces in there and tighten up. | ||
| It's better without the buttons. | ||
| Links, because your collar folds over. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| With your shiny, stupid, hard-soled shoes. | ||
| Why do you have wood in your shoes? | ||
| The bottom of your shoe is wood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| There's wood in your shoe? | ||
| What is it, fucking 1812? | ||
| Are you living in Denmark? | ||
| You have clogs on, you fuckhead? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Why would you have leather, shiny leather, on the bottom of your toes? | ||
| Do you know how slippery and stupid that is? | ||
| It can't scuff them at all. | ||
| What's with the tassels, you fucking halfwit? | ||
| You like tassels in the front of your shoes, you idiot? | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| What is that, extra fancy, you fucking tard? | ||
| They're leather tassels. | ||
| It's so childish and silly and ancient and retarded and dumb-de-dumb-de-dumb. | ||
| Who cares how you dress? | ||
| You know, I dress all summer long in New York. | ||
| I would put on flip-flops, shorts, no shirt, and just get high and walk around. | ||
| Is that cool to walk around with no shirt? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, it's allowed, but even homeless people don't do it. | ||
| But it's not illegal? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| What about women then? | ||
| Can women walk around topless? | ||
| I know that's been fought for, right? | ||
| In Columbus, Ohio, you can. | ||
| Portland, you can be topless. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, at least tassels. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's a style, man. | ||
| It's tassels on top of tassels. | ||
| It looks like a saddle. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You need ayahuasca. | ||
| If you wear tassels in your shoes, you need ayahuasca. | ||
| I've had shoes like that. | ||
| Mother ayahuasca to take you away. | ||
| Have you ever done that stuff? | ||
| Ayahuasca? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still have not. | ||
| Yeah, me neither. | ||
| It's a more prolonged version of a DMT trip that apparently doesn't quite get to that DMT flash level. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But it gives you sort of this weird spiritual insight thing that you don't necessarily get with DMT. | ||
| That's the way it's been described to me by my friends who've done it. | ||
| It's hard like when you're trying to relay experiences. | ||
| Everybody's is very different. | ||
| So if you haven't personally experienced it, it's hard to try to put into context what they're saying, like how they're describing something. | ||
| You really have to experience it. | ||
| It's hard to put into words. | ||
| So one of these days I'll have to do it. | ||
| But the DMT flash, everybody that I've talked to or I've tried to piece together what they say about their experiences, It all seems like we're all talking about a similar place. | ||
| But it's hard to, it's so wanky that it's hard to put into, like, any context in the real world. | ||
| So the words that you use are all the wrong words. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God. | ||
| Like, there's no voice. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| There's no arm of God. | ||
| There's nothing that we can comprehend. | ||
| If it isn't, you know, when you do that, if it isn't you actually communicating with something, if it's all happening inside your head and it's all imaginary, god damn, your brain has some untapped potential. | ||
| Oh yeah, probably. | ||
| Because if that's in there, if that really is just our collective minds or really is just the depth of the potential of human thought and your ability to hallucinate or imagine things or your imagination in itself, the very mechanics of your imagination creating all these crazy illusions. the very mechanics of your imagination creating all these crazy And if that is the case, like, wow, you know, what an incredible potential the human mind has just on its own that just we get to every now and again. | ||
| And it puts on this bizarre show of this godlike quality, like this perfect idealistic utopian loving thought process that hits you when you're on that stuff. | ||
| Like, of course people think it's God. | ||
| I mean, maybe it is God. | ||
| And maybe what God is, is human potential. | ||
| It's greatest heights. | ||
| That's just what God really is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a concept. | ||
| And maybe we're just getting, you know, too much of it when you have a psychedelic experience. | ||
| It's too much, whatever the fuck, you know, that you're tapping into that gives you these insights. | ||
| I've seen it once, but I've never done it. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| No. | ||
| The other stuff. | ||
| DMT. DMT? Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm sure we can make that happen. | ||
| If you were willing to sign a few pieces of paper for the government and participate in this study, you should get in on the Rick Strassman studies. | ||
| What's the Rick Strassman studies? | ||
| He's doing it again. | ||
| What's he do? | ||
| He's the guy that wrote that book, DMT, The Spirit Molecule. | ||
| He was the first guy that was able to secure federal funding. | ||
| Funding for research? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a license to be able to do it. | ||
| I don't know if they funded it or if they allowed him to do it, but they allowed him to do intravenous DMT injections. | ||
| Intravenous? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The book's called DMT, The Spirit Molecule, and it's a fantastic book. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| He's a scientist, and he's a... | ||
| I would donate my body to science for that. | ||
| He's a brilliant, brilliant guy, but he's also a really cool guy. | ||
| And he's really nice. | ||
| He's a really nice person. | ||
| And when you hear about his relaying of these people's experiences, the way he set everything up... | ||
| His willingness to track this idea down and try to see what it really is all about is really courageous. | ||
| For a doctor to do that, you can get in some weird situations where people think you're a kook. | ||
| But he's dealing with a real chemical. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can't get funding to study mushrooms or the legalities to do it. | ||
| MAPS is starting to break some boundaries on that. | ||
| They're starting to make some headway. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there was a John Hopkins University study on psilocybin. | ||
| MAPS is something multidisciplinary psychedelic studies. | ||
| I don't know what the actual... | ||
| Acronym, how it works, but it's probably the number one group as far as like really intelligently debating and promoting psychedelics. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And the study of psychedelics. | ||
| All brilliant, brilliant guys. | ||
| We had Rick Doblin, who's one of the guys from MAPS, one of the head guys. | ||
| We had him on the podcast and the guy couldn't have been cooler. | ||
| I told my suburban friend to take mushrooms. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| She's about to turn 40. Whoa. | ||
| Why are you trying to freak her out? | ||
| She was just like, I don't know. | ||
| I'm just like, yeah. | ||
| I told her, do it. | ||
| Do it with your husband. | ||
| Tell her to take mushrooms and listen to that U2 song. | ||
| Actually, watch it. | ||
| Watch it in a U2 video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The one from Kimoff? | |
| The one Fallon from Fallon. | ||
| Fallon, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think when you get through a certain age, though, that it might be too scary to recommend somebody... | ||
| You sure you don't have herpes? | ||
| She said, I'll be scared. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, of course you'll be scared. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, like, when you get to a certain age, you kind of also have that, like, I'm going to die. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's a big hit. | ||
| What kind of flavor is this? | ||
| That's grape mixed with a little bit of... | ||
| You're a fucking child. | ||
| Pina colada. | ||
| You're a black child. | ||
| I didn't get anything. | ||
| Yeah, you have to hold the button the whole time. | ||
| You can kind of like puff on it almost. | ||
| That's kind of the way to do it best. | ||
| It's puffing on it. | ||
| How'd you get a desk watch symbol in there? | ||
| Sticker fitted perfectly. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But you know, like when you're older, you kind of have like in the back of your head like, oh, you know, what if I'm having a heart attack because I'm 40? | ||
| Because I want to recommend it to somebody that's never done it the same way. | ||
| Just tell them that's a ridiculous notion. | ||
| She's never done anything like that before. | ||
| Yeah, tell her. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| You should let people do what they want to do. | ||
| If they want to live their whole life and never do mushrooms, you should let them. | ||
| I'm not going to force them to do it. | ||
| Shouldn't even bring it up. | ||
| Shouldn't even bring it up. | ||
| No, no, disagree. | ||
| Absolutely bring it up. | ||
| You think you should offer it up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think if you want to fuck her, you should. | ||
| No, even if I don't. | ||
| I advise my male friends, too. | ||
| I try to get them to do it. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not with me. | ||
| The last thing I want to do if I want to try to fuck a girl is do mushrooms with them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes it weird. | ||
| And what if you freak out in front of her? | ||
| You ruin all chances. | ||
| Yeah, they don't feel like I can't. | ||
| They don't feel like held down. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I think anything you do, whether it's mushrooms or smoke pot. | ||
| I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine last night about a friend of ours, and we were talking about how this dude could benefit from weed. | ||
| This is why he does this, because he doesn't smoke pot, so he doesn't have that paranoid, introspective thing that you get when you smoke weed. | ||
| You start really examining yourself in uncomfortable lights. | ||
| A lot of people who don't smoke weed who need to, that's like the quality that they're lacking. | ||
| So they have like this hubris. | ||
| So they can keep pushing forward. | ||
| No, you really do. | ||
| They keep pushing forward without considering, you know, how they come off to other people. | ||
| They just keep pushing forward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have this hubris. | ||
| You're like, come on, man. | ||
| Just smoke this and stop and think about yourself for a second. | ||
| People get caught up also. | ||
| You get caught up in going in a certain direction. | ||
| Did you see Wolf of Wall Street? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I really enjoyed it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| A lot of people say that Martin Scorsese, his movies are kind of formulaic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I say those people can go fuck themselves. | ||
| Because what he does is he knows how to do it, man. | ||
| I should. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| So good with words. | ||
| For my next 1,500 words that I don't need, here's a picture. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Um, he just knows how to make a movie that, like, it's different. | ||
| Like, he'll do things like, like, there's a part when Leonardo DiCaprio, like, you know, everyone's moving and talking, and they just stop talking, but there, there's no sound coming out, but he's walking towards the camera looking at you. | ||
| They've essentially completely cut out the sound of all the other people and he's talking to you. | ||
| It's like these weird little things that he does. | ||
| Like there's the chaos of the trading room floor. | ||
| And as Leonardo DiCaprio walks through it, there's no sound, just him talking. | ||
| He's explaining his life and the world that he lifted. | ||
| That's directorial shit that the director does. | ||
| He's saying something about something. | ||
| He's just dope. | ||
| He's just dope. | ||
| Martin Scorsese is just a master. | ||
| He's just a master. | ||
| He said he had this shot in Taxi Driver. | ||
| Where it's when you see a guy walking towards the camera, a character walking towards the camera, and then you see another angle cut right from there to the camera moving towards something. | ||
| That's the point of view of the guy we just saw. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So then they start having him pan across. | ||
| That view starts panning across the taxi place all the way around and around, and then it puts De Niro in the shot. | ||
| It was supposed to be his point of view, and all of a sudden he's in it. | ||
| And he just does stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The shooting is just as crazy as this character is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Deeper shit. | ||
| Gets you feeling loopy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's such an art to filmmaking. | ||
| I don't have any desire to ever do it. | ||
| No. | ||
| It seems like a lot of work. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It seems like so much work. | ||
| But I appreciate the shit out of it. | ||
| I really, really appreciate someone who's really good at it. | ||
| Someone who just really knows how to make a movie that you go to see and you go, fucking A. That's a good guy. | ||
| American Hustle's a good goddamn fucking movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I just saw that. | |
| That's pretty good. | ||
| That's a good fucking movie, man. | ||
| That is a good fucking movie, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Christian Bale is such a bad motherfucker. | |
| Yeah, he's pretty good at everything. | ||
| Goddamn, he's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you ever see The Machinist? | ||
| And those women were fucking fantastic, too. | ||
| The chick from The Hunger Games. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The red-headed chick. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Did you see it, Brian? | ||
| What a movie. | ||
| Bradley Cooper was awesome. | ||
| You haven't seen it yet? | ||
| I don't see movies unless I have a girlfriend. | ||
| I just never think about them. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| Ladies, you hear that cry for help? | ||
| Don't let another season go by without Brian Redman finding a girlfriend. | ||
| I live a totally different life when I'm in a relationship. | ||
| When I'm in a relationship, I don't do shit. | ||
| I don't watch TV. I don't watch movies. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I don't play with dogs. | ||
| You just don't do anything? | ||
| Furious masturbation from the jump. | ||
| The alarm clock goes off. | ||
| The lube gets squirted. | ||
| And we begin the race. | ||
| I wonder if that's what it was. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| How many times you can masturbate in a day. | ||
| What do you think you get to? | ||
| Probably like three or four. | ||
| It's an orgasm. | ||
| No, you could do more than that in a day. | ||
| You start it right away. | ||
| The highest is about five or six for me, I would say. | ||
| You could get to seven or ten, I think. | ||
| Yeah, but by the end, what the fuck? | ||
| What kind of madness? | ||
| It's mostly just liquid. | ||
| I would be afraid of that madness filling my head with seeds. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| If I beat off seven times in a day, with the things that I need to think of in order to come after times five and six, the madness, the fucking crazy, Savage jeans that I have to tap into to get my last load off. | ||
| You should start off slow to give yourself more room. | ||
| I don't want those thoughts. | ||
| Start off by smelling your wife's pillow. | ||
| I don't want those thoughts, Ari. | ||
| And then move up from there. | ||
| I don't want those thoughts. | ||
| I don't want to hit cum number seven. | ||
| That's a person I don't like. | ||
| It would start to hurt, but you have to keep going. | ||
| I don't like that person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just going to fucking figure out that I can't. | |
| Nothing about dead cats. | ||
| I'm going to fucking fuck the world. | ||
| I'm going to get these fucking loads out of time. | ||
| You go from being sensual to being a violent release of soldiers. | ||
| That's how you orgasm. | ||
| Thinking about just an angry release of demon soldiers flying out of your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fight! | |
| Those boner pills make me masturbate a lot more. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| What are you taking and then strike out? | ||
| And then you're like, oh, well. | ||
| No, they just last for like 24 to 48 hours. | ||
| Have you ever looked up like what happens if you take that stuff a lot? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You never even looked into it, huh? | ||
| No, I get pretty nervous, though. | ||
| Dude, I just went off Propecia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who did? | |
| ProScar, whatever it was. | ||
| You should be off that stuff. | ||
| I read a bunch of side effects, and it was like depression, all stuff that maybe, I don't know, I think maybe stuff was caused by that. | ||
| Is that hair shit? | ||
| Yeah, I had a bad reaction to that stuff. | ||
| It killed my boners. | ||
| They have boneritis in there, too. | ||
| It killed my boners, and it also made me more tired. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like, when I would work out, I didn't have as much endurance. | ||
| When I got off of it, my boners came back with a vengeance, and it felt like I had more energy training. | ||
| And I was like, man, I wonder if that's affecting me in an extreme way. | ||
| Like, everybody has a different reaction. | ||
| It changes the way it processes testosterone. | ||
| Yeah, dihydrotestosterone. | ||
| You see, everybody has a different body's reaction. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Some people, they're allergic to certain types of antibiotics, or they're allergic to penicillin, or they're allergic to... | ||
| People get weird rolls of the dice with your bodies. | ||
| It might be that my body didn't react to it very well, but I know I have a buddy who's on it. | ||
| There's no problems with it at all. | ||
| He's been taking that shit for like 10 years. | ||
| Probably most people don't. | ||
| Yeah, for me it was a problem. | ||
| But I didn't realize it was a problem until after I stopped taking it. | ||
| I ran out of it and all of a sudden my dick was like woken up from a coma. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just commit to going bald. | ||
| Just shave your head, man. | ||
| You look great when you shaved your head. | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| I did not like the shaved head. | ||
| Well, you don't have to, but I'm telling you, you look great with a shaved head. | ||
| We're all going to have shaved heads in five years. | ||
| Listen, there's a reason why the monks did it. | ||
| It's an I don't give a fuck move. | ||
| I mean, for me, it was a matter of aesthetics. | ||
| My hair was getting so gross. | ||
| It got down to the point where you shouldn't keep getting haircuts if every time you get your hair cut, your hair still looks like shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What am I paying you for? | ||
| Chop all this shit off. | ||
| But now that I've done it, I would have done it a long-ass time ago. | ||
| It's the easiest way to deal with it. | ||
| You've got a round head. | ||
| Yeah, it works. | ||
| I've got a good head for being bald. | ||
| But getting your haircut is so annoying. | ||
| Having to schedule that time out of your day and sit down and listen to some nonsense. | ||
| I had a cool hairdresser for a long time, my friend Gabriella. | ||
| Hairdresser. | ||
| She was a hairdresser from the news radio days. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, she's really cool. | ||
| Cool Italian lady from New York. | ||
| We've been friends for a long time, so I used to actually enjoy... | ||
| She probably kept me from cutting my hair off for a long time, just because I enjoyed hanging out with her. | ||
| I go to see her like once a month. | ||
| They have the coolest ones, man, on a shoot. | ||
| The wardrobe stylist, the wardrobe and the hairstylist are the only cool ones. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| She's a funny New York, like, hard-ass cool lady. | ||
| The makeup people always hate me because of you, Joe. | ||
| Because you always had that rule of like, I never put makeup on, like on TV shows and stuff. | ||
| And so twice I've had to say, no makeup, I don't do that. | ||
| And they're like, what are you talking about? | ||
| You have to. | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| They tried to get me the other day when I was doing Fox Sports 1. I go, nope. | ||
| We're just going to put a little powder on it. | ||
| Nah, that's alright though. | ||
| This is what I look like. | ||
| This is exactly what I look like. | ||
| Let's go play games and pretend I look different than I look. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're going to smooth my skin out? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| I let them do what they want to do. | ||
| You're going to light me funny and soft like I'm an angel? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I'm uplighting. | ||
| Look, man. | ||
| No one's perfect. | ||
| This is what I look like. | ||
| What do you look like? | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Ah, let's talk now. | ||
| Fucking relax. | ||
| You don't have to put makeup on people. | ||
| She got mad though. | ||
| She got upset. | ||
| Like, look, this is my job. | ||
| If you don't get makeup, they're going to stop hiring me. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| People are still going to want makeup. | ||
| So there's nothing wrong with makeup. | ||
| I wore makeup every day when I was on news radio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, every time we filmed, they put makeup on me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just want to do it. | ||
| And I couldn't say no then. | ||
| You know, who was I? Anything I did to be a dick. | ||
| I was totally replaceable. | ||
| I was totally replaceable. | ||
| I was nobody. | ||
| Did you replace Ray Romano on that show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I actually replaced the guy who replaced Ray Romano. | ||
| So they took... | ||
| Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, but they didn't shoot the pilot with Ray Romano. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, and he was working, but they decided somewhere in the middle of Ray's thing... | ||
| They weren't happy with what's happening. | ||
| I don't know if they weren't happy with him, or they decided to go a different way with the character, and he was right for their original idea. | ||
| In the beginning, when they're coming up with ideas, and they're throwing the ideas around for a pilot, it's not uncommon for them to change a character. | ||
| They decide they need a different dynamic. | ||
| They have all these different dynamics, and Rey was more of a laid-back... | ||
| Sort of a dynamic. | ||
| Like, that's who he is. | ||
| You know, when you see him on the show, you know, he's like a laid-back sort of a guy. | ||
| And I think they wanted someone who's a little aggressive. | ||
| Someone who's an idiot, who's like a male idiot that was going to do aggressive, stupid shit that leaves room for funny. | ||
| So I got lucky. | ||
| It was like, I came along after Ray was replaced by another guy. | ||
| Did they just have a fill-in for the guy? | ||
| He was in the pilot. | ||
| The other guy was in the pilot. | ||
| He didn't think he had a full-time job, right? | ||
| I don't know what he thought. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if maybe he was... | ||
| I remember seeing that pilot with another person guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe if he was really good, they would have kept him. | ||
| Or maybe if he was what they were looking for, they would have kept him. | ||
| So then they did... | ||
| Do you know the funny thing about the audition? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first stuff that they wrote, it was really interesting because it wasn't that funny. | ||
| It was more like matter-of-factly or it was more like setting up a character. | ||
| The jokes in them were very subtle. | ||
| It was like a behavior sort of a piece. | ||
| And a lot of guys like totally like tried to overdo it and try to make it like really funny. | ||
| It just wasn't really funny. | ||
| And they were saying they did that. | ||
| The writers did that because they wanted to make sure that no one would try to ham it up. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like if it's funny, it's funny. | ||
| You know, like say it to make it funny. | ||
| Like you know how to say it to make it funny or not. | ||
| But if it's not funny, don't pretend it is. | ||
| Everything doesn't have to be a joke. | ||
| Like, some things are not a joke, and some things are a joke just because you're creating a character. | ||
| Like, you know that character, so when the character does, like, typical things like that, that character would. | ||
| It was like a joke of recognition. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then the second time I came in for the second audition... | ||
| When I say a penny on the ground near Barris' feet, I'll always go pick it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I won't call it, I'll just pick it up and, like, put it in my pocket and let him go, like, oh. | ||
| I just saw it. | ||
| Well, you guys have like routines. | ||
| Yeah, I'm saying we have that go-to things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Based on what you know already. | ||
| But the second time I went in for the audition, they wrote something really funny. | ||
| I was like, whoa, this is hilarious. | ||
| It was really good stuff. | ||
| So then, you know, they had narrowed it down to a group of people that they thought were, you know, not going to ham it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they gave the smallest group, the remaining group, shit to be funny with. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So they were super intelligent. | ||
| Who else was close for it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't know those guys. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| There was just a couple guys. | ||
| But I remember there... | ||
| There's one thing that gives you confidence. | ||
| It's to see other people falling apart sometimes. | ||
| Who did you see fall apart? | ||
| The guy who was auditioning. | ||
| One of the guys who was waiting to audition. | ||
| How did he fall apart? | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He was visibly sweaty. | ||
| He was sweaty. | ||
| Sweat was dripping down his head. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he was going over the lines in this really weird, frantic way. | ||
| He was kind of mouthing the lines while he was sitting there, but it was like... | ||
| He was falling apart. | ||
| He was like, no, shit, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What, really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There was something he was doing that gave me massive confidence. | ||
| And I remember thinking, oh, if I just gotta audition, this guy's gonna fall apart. | ||
| One down. | ||
| I guess, you know, it's probably one of those guys that had been in Hollywood. | ||
| Like, look, when you're coming out here and you're trying to audition for shows, it's totally a crapshoot. | ||
| You could get super lucky on the very first show, you get cast, and all of a sudden you're on a television show. | ||
| It probably helps if it's early where you don't really know the stakes. | ||
| Yeah, maybe it does, but it also helps if you just get lucky and you are what they're looking for. | ||
| But you could also be here for 20 years and never get cast in shit. | ||
| That's possible too. | ||
| Especially if you have the wrong look or the wrong, you know, whatever you're trying to do. | ||
| You always used to say, everybody in this town, three auditions away from being a star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three auditions away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Every single person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look, there's some fucking really untalented people on television right now that are stars. | ||
| Stars of reality shows. | ||
| I mean, really untalented people. | ||
| Are you really going to chew into the microphone, you motherfucker? | ||
| Roseanne was out here for, what, a week or a day? | ||
| And she got, you know, passed at the comedy store, and then she got a TV show, like, quickly thereafter. | ||
| Roseanne? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, she had a crazy ride. | ||
| She was in Denver. | ||
| She started out in Denver. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She got really good in Denver. | ||
| That's a credit for her. | ||
| Yeah, by the time she came... | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| There's a kind of an attitude that Denver people have. | ||
| They're friendly folks, but there's a hard edge to that place. | ||
| I mean, they're in the Rocky Mountains. | ||
| They have bears and shit there. | ||
| You know, it's like it's a crazy place to live. | ||
| Living in Colorado is a little nutty. | ||
| So they tolerate a little more like heartiness. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And so Roseanne, like coming out of there and then going to the comedy store, she had already built up this act in this cool, smart, hard-edged town in Denver. | ||
| There's people dealing with the fucking elements every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then from there, she's in L.A., and there's no comics like her. | ||
| No, she's talking about what it's like to be a housewife. | ||
| Yeah, and killing. | ||
| Killing, too. | ||
| Killing! | ||
| She's probably hard to follow. | ||
| Oh, you could never follow her, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember people that have a... | ||
| I mean, dude, folks who weren't alive when Roseanne Barr first hit, she's like... | ||
| Her voice annoyed me, but then I gave it another shot a few years later and I was like, oh, this show's pretty good. | ||
| She's a great comic. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Especially back in the day. | ||
| Especially when she first made it. | ||
| She, to me, is one of the most influential comedians ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Because for women, there had never been a woman like her before. | ||
| She's the Kinison version of a woman. | ||
| There'd never been a woman like that before. | ||
| I wish her she had like 30 minutes, though. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| She did more than one special. | ||
| I mean, she didn't maintain that level of stand-up once she became super famous and had the TV show. | ||
| It was good for the attitude of like, no, this is just who I am. | ||
| I'm not trying to be anything. | ||
| She was badass, dude. | ||
| Before she got a television show, when she was just doing stand-up, she was badass. | ||
| There was no women like her before. | ||
| She was a total new thing. | ||
| She was an overweight white woman who didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And she had kids, and she didn't give a fuck. | ||
| She sent Mitzi a black rose. | ||
| A dead rose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd she do that? | |
| She wanted to send a message. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A message? | |
| Because they fought with each other. | ||
| Black roses are the rarest of all roses. | ||
| Black roses? | ||
| Well, it's a nice thing to send, then. | ||
| Unless it's voodoo attached. | ||
| Oh, maybe it is. | ||
| She might have some voodoo on it. | ||
| Roseanne believes in a lot of wacky shit. | ||
| She's out there sometimes. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| She's so out there. | ||
| She's like Area 51 out there. | ||
| She won't touch hands, too. | ||
| She's one of those. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Very rarely will touch hands. | ||
| She'll touch my hands. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I feel pretty good about it. | ||
| Don't get mad at me. | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| You haven't even met her, bro. | ||
| I did meet her. | ||
| She wouldn't shake my hand. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, Alan Stevens introduced me to her. | ||
| In a fucking office building. | ||
| What on the street? | ||
| Wow, that's sad. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| I was just thinking like, come on, it's not acceptable to say I don't shake hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just don't do that. | |
| Well, what about people that are like crazy ADD and worried about diseases? | ||
| What do those people do if they're not famous? | ||
| Obsessive compulsive? | ||
| Do they just die? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, you can't do that at the plant. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| No one's going to accept that. | ||
| At the plant, everybody's in the Flintstones and working at the fucking plant. | ||
| Oh, I don't shake hands. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you... | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, why is that allowed, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think it has to be like... | ||
| It's a movie star thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fame thing. | ||
| Howard Hughes. | ||
| Well, I think we're... | ||
| I was saying... | ||
| I think we're uniquely fortunate in being stand-up comedians. | ||
| We're forced to look at ourselves all the time. | ||
| And I think if you want to think about someone who gets pushed into these weird boxes of power, you know, power that's sort of unnatural, you know, power that like... | ||
| Really, it doesn't exist anywhere in the natural world where someone is more famous than other people, so everyone around them is terrified of them. | ||
| And so what they do is they just have these situations where they have a show and throw soda at the fucking guy who's running the show. | ||
| We were talking about one of those Grace Under Fire, Brent Butler, apparently. | ||
| She only threw a coke in the face of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And like fucking swore at him and said some nasty shit to him. | ||
| And then they canceled the show. | ||
| Oh yeah, she was like, I'm too big for this. | ||
| It's almost like it's total unnatural behavior to have this one person like Brett Butler. | ||
| Lack of repercussions. | ||
| Yeah, and being so famous. | ||
| And without thinking about yourself all the time, without examining, it must be a weird, weird, weird place to be. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| Hecklers, 75% of hecklers are cute women. | ||
| Cute to above women. | ||
| Trying to get some arch fear dick. | ||
| No, just trying to, like, they've never been told to shut up because they're too pretty. | ||
| There's a little of that. | ||
| There's a little confusion. | ||
| So they don't know. | ||
| They're like, this has nothing to do with you. | ||
| Be quiet. | ||
| Well, people get confused and think that because you're talking, they should be able to talk too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You just can't talk. | ||
| You can't just be talking. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't agree with him. | ||
| I'm going to say something. | ||
| I'm going to say something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me! | |
| No, it's not cool. | ||
| No, it's not okay. | ||
| I kicked a girl out in Calgary. | ||
| She wrote letters to every one of the clubs I was booked at for the next 15 weeks. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Saying what a horrible person I am and how she didn't do anything. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I threw her out for being horrible. | ||
| She was talking all through the first guy, and then I started, and I was like, hey, stop, stop. | ||
| I saw you talking about 30 straight minutes. | ||
| You've got to be quiet. | ||
| We're not going to do that. | ||
| And then they were like, all right. | ||
| They did one more thing. | ||
| I told them to be quiet again, and then I heard her go, next subject. | ||
| And I was like, get out. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Front seats. | ||
| We got extra ones. | ||
| I just had to throw out my first person on a Thunder Pussy the other day for the same thing. | ||
| The girl was talking the whole time. | ||
| The boyfriend would not shut her up. | ||
| Yeah, the boyfriend doesn't shut her up. | ||
| He's just happy to be getting some. | ||
| You can't shut a girl up. | ||
| You either ask her to be quiet or you ask her to leave with you or you leave her there. | ||
| Or you leave her there, yeah. | ||
| You can't shut her up, man. | ||
| That shit never works. | ||
| Especially like a really mouthy woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what she likes to do. | ||
| Some people hold back all week long and then they like to get drunk. | ||
| Get drunk and get fighty. | ||
| Get crazy. | ||
| Get fucking aggressive. | ||
| It ruined my whole entire set because she was just fucking sitting there the whole time and I'm just like, alright, I couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's the enemy of comedy sometimes but then sometimes it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Sometimes it turns out to be something funny. | ||
| You know, we also have the advantage that we were comedy store comics. | ||
| There was no crowd control. | ||
| None! | ||
| None! | ||
| Zero! | ||
| Like, people would say, like, I would do, like, a show and someone would heckle, and it would go so well, people would say, was that planned? | ||
| Like, tell me, is that guy a plant? | ||
| Like, no, where'd you come up with all that stuff? | ||
| Like, when you start out at the comedy store, you go to war every week. | ||
| Not only is it not police, even when you come off and there's been a horrible heckler the whole time, no one then goes to the door guy and goes, oh, you should throw somebody out. | ||
| They just moan about it in the back to themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking ass. | ||
| And then the next guy deals with it. | ||
| The guy after that deals with it. | ||
| And nobody says something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Guilty of it too. | ||
| That place was the worst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no place. | |
| Yeah, Sam Tripoli always thought that people were like, you throw him out if he was talking to the mayor, but not for me. | ||
| There's also an extra douchiness to that place because it's in Hollywood and it's a famous, iconic building. | ||
| So you would get these people that were like there's an extra level of douche that you get from people that are like in Show business that are douches or trying to make it in show business There's a lot of people that give attempts at show business and they're really insane And it doesn't go well for them And so they'll if they'll be at a comedy club and they'll see someone doing something and they decide and they're insane head Not only that, this guy ain't shit and I'm better than him. | ||
| I could be funnier than him. | ||
| Like, I've heard people... | ||
| It's like, you're a mattress salesman. | ||
| I've heard people in the audience. | ||
| You don't do this anymore. | ||
| I've heard people... | ||
| Well, there could be a comic or there could be an actor in their mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's just this extra douchiness of people that are out here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, it's an unchecked douchiness that you don't find that often in the East Coast. | ||
| It's a different kind of douchiness. | ||
| Yeah, unchecked. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Yeah, nobody like... | ||
| They don't have friends. | ||
| They don't have people that go, shut the fuck up. | ||
| They have drunk hecklers in Boston, though. | ||
| It's a different kind of drunk. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's like out of control. | ||
| They're savages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just like... | ||
| They're all blacked out already. | ||
| They're the descendants of wild savages that came over here on boats before there were movies. | ||
| I mean, just stop and think about that. | ||
| They didn't know what the fuck was over here. | ||
| These people are crazy. | ||
| The genetics of the first Irish that came to America? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maniacs. | ||
| Who would get on the boat and survive it? | ||
| Who the fuck would do that? | ||
| Hey, we're thinking about going on a boat to a place that we can't really describe because, you know, we don't have any photos or anything because they haven't invented cameras yet. | ||
| But it'll take a few months. | ||
| Because they haven't invented cameras yet. | ||
| It'll take a few months and hopefully we won't die of starvation. | ||
| And by the time we get there, I mean, hopefully the savages won't eat your babies. | ||
| They won't shoot arrows into us. | ||
| But hopefully, I mean, they will. | ||
| They will eat a lot of your babies. | ||
| No, hopefully they won't. | ||
| You like your babies. | ||
| You don't want them to get eaten, otherwise you can't spread your seed across the country. | ||
| Wait, so when did we make enemies with the Indians? | ||
| Why did they attack and just steal the women and stuff? | ||
| Listen, everybody that lands in a country and invades a country is an attacker. | ||
| You know, you might not think of yourself as an attacker, you think of yourself as a colonist, but you're an attacker if you run into people that were already there. | ||
| It's just that simple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and you can say, well, hey, you know, they should make room for us, too. | ||
| Okay, maybe. | ||
| Well, maybe they don't want to. | ||
| Because it's theirs. | ||
| Yeah, and if you show any aggression to them, and you're taking food out of their children's mouths. | ||
| We've got to get these things out of here. | ||
| Yeah, and then there was also the fucking treaties that were broken and all the horrific crimes that they fucking... | ||
| Here's some smallpox blankets for you. | ||
| Yeah, all the horrific crimes that were perpetrated on the American Indy. | ||
| I mean, God, you start and hear those stories and think about it, and you hear about the slaughters and the fucking mass genocide and just the numbers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Australia, they're respectful of the Aboriginal people. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| If one Aboriginal kills another one, the white people don't deal with it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, you guys, it's on you to deal with this. | ||
| You know what freaked me out when I was there? | ||
| Because they had their own justice system. | ||
| What freaked me out when I was there was they were telling me about during the 50s, I guess it was, where they had this concerted effort. | ||
| They decided to take Aboriginal children from their parents and raise them in the white world to help them, to benefit them. | ||
| That's so egocentric to begin with. | ||
| Oh, it's so crazy and dark. | ||
| But the idea was that they were going to try to civilize these people, and the only way to do it would be to take their fucking kids. | ||
| Like, that was a real plan. | ||
| We're going to evolve them. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They took their kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| They took their kids because they believed that their culture was better. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You're an idiot if you don't think so. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's so crazy that people could take people's children. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And, you know, apparently, like, they have a lot of the same issues that American Indians have with alcohol problems in their communities. | ||
| Iboriginals? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Iborigines? | ||
| Yeah, the Native Americans, apparently it's a genetic issue with a lot of them, that they don't have ancestors. | ||
| Because they grew up without it for so long. | ||
| Yeah, their ancestors didn't develop the tolerance, and they weren't accustomed to alcohol the way, like, Europeans were. | ||
| So apparently aboriginal people in Australia had a similar problem. | ||
| So a lot of them, there's a lot of alcoholism, a lot of real problems with... | ||
| I don't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have. | ||
| Even if they had their own alcohol, they didn't have wild turkey. | ||
| They didn't have any crazy tequilas. | ||
| They didn't have some shit. | ||
| Yeah, maybe they had some mead. | ||
| Yeah, they might have some fermented berry juice that kind of gets you high. | ||
| If you leave it out, chase off the flies. | ||
| Yeah, but they were so arrogant that they thought it was okay to take their kids. | ||
| Wow, that's so mean. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Pulling a kid away from a mom. | ||
| Horrifying, terrifying, the ugliest aspects of humanity. | ||
| You know what I started to think recently? | ||
| What? | ||
| So I thought about Philip Morris. | ||
| The tobacco company. | ||
| And you think of their evil people trying to addict you even though they know it's already bad for you. | ||
| But they're not evil people. | ||
| They're just people that had a job there that are doing that stuff. | ||
| They're not these, like, all old men. | ||
| They're just people who got a job and now they're still doing that job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even though they know it's terrible. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Someone has to make the decision to sell cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could easily just say, oh, I'm not going to take this job in the accounting firm. | ||
| I think cigarettes are going to be a thing of the past. | ||
| I think the shit that he's sucking on, that kind of thing, is going to make much more sense for people. | ||
| If that stops killing people, why wouldn't they do it? | ||
| It's a nicotine distribution device. | ||
| It's definitely getting people into smoking these again, though. | ||
| It's helping the tobacco firms find a way to make money again. | ||
| Because they've all invested heavily in it. | ||
| Because new people are actually getting hooked on just to smoking nicotine now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've noticed. | |
| What is the actual health differential? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Those are outlawed in New York now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, indoors. | ||
| Because they said secondhand smoke, even though there's vapor, but they said the problem is they put on their package... | ||
| It's safer than smoking cigarettes. | ||
| And they're like, you have to prove that. | ||
| You can't just say that. | ||
| You need to show me a study. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is the problem. | ||
| You do have to prove that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like some sort of carcinogen or something where it falls into the same category as cigarettes. | ||
| See, it doesn't seem like that blue cigarette stuff. | ||
| It lingers more. | ||
| It lingers more. | ||
| Like smoke. | ||
| I don't smell it, though. | ||
| You definitely smell, because how I found out about this actual one, this girl was smoking it. | ||
| And it smelled like strawberries. | ||
| And I just walked by and I'm like, what? | ||
| What was that strawberry smell? | ||
| Is that your vagina? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| And then she showed it to me and I'm like, oh, I'm winning that. | ||
| But it does smell. | ||
| And I can see if you don't like strawberry and then you walk around. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'm at the library. | ||
| Yeah, but people with perfume, man. | ||
| No, there's nothing wrong with that smell. | ||
| I smell it when you just did it, but it smells nice. | ||
| It's like a nice smell. | ||
| I didn't smell it. | ||
| Cigarettes are disgusting, man. | ||
| You used to come into the car after you smoked cigarettes. | ||
| Brian would pretend he wasn't smoking. | ||
| Oh yeah, it would stick to them in the cold. | ||
| Oh, and you'd come into the car and we would all smell it like, oh dude, that's nasty. | ||
| People don't like to hear that shit. | ||
| People that smoke cigarettes, especially. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They don't like to hear it. | ||
| No, you can't smell it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, fine. | |
| I guess I made up the smell I just smelled. | ||
| It's so stinky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You stinky fucks. | |
| Yeah, in the cold. | ||
| In the cold, you come in. | ||
| It's stinky fuck. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Cigarette smells a stinky fucking smell. | ||
| And it's gross. | ||
| It's bad for you, too, fucks. | ||
| Wait, no. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| These will be very better for that. | ||
| It probably will take off. | ||
| It'll probably be the cigarette in 10 years. | ||
| It'll probably have to. | ||
| Well, this is the thing. | ||
| They say that nicotine is actually an effective cognitive boost. | ||
| It gives you like a little... | ||
| That was one of the things that Stephen King said. | ||
| When Stephen King stopped smoking cigarettes, he said he really felt it. | ||
| He really felt the difference in his synapses firing, is the way he described it, and writing his books. | ||
| Nicotine has like a sort of a stimulating effect on thinking and creativity for a lot of people. | ||
| But it's the tar and the tobacco that gets you. | ||
| Well, no, it's a lot of the chemicals. | ||
| There's like 590 chemicals that they add to cigarettes on top of the tobacco itself, all approved by our lovely government. | ||
| But these insane chemicals are essentially designed to change the flavor and to make it more addictive. | ||
| You know what they do with the nicotine? | ||
| They have a certain amount, they'll shoot it up real high, like all of a sudden, from five to like seven. | ||
| And then everyone has to smoke less cigarettes because it's like all of a sudden they're getting too much. | ||
| So they only smoke like half a cigarette or whatever. | ||
| And they're getting their fix of whatever they need. | ||
| And then they plummet it. | ||
| Once you get used to that, they plummet it down to like two. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you start smoking more because you're not getting what you need. | ||
| Then they push it right back up to average again. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| They vary it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But on occasion in order to get you fucking more addicted. | ||
| They do that now that they already know it causes death. | ||
| They're still trying to get you more addicted. | ||
| Well, I didn't know they could do that. | ||
| So they can vary the amount of nicotine they have. | ||
| How do you know this? | ||
| That's what a word on the street is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker. | |
| That's what I've heard from smokers. | ||
| I think Big J told me that. | ||
| It's a dark business, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| Especially if you've ever seen anybody that's dying of cigarettes, emphysema, people that are dying of lung cancer. | ||
| Yeah, I have not. | ||
| I thought James died of that, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got a stage 4 tumor. | ||
| That's when they found it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| He was dead in like two weeks. | ||
| It wouldn't make any sense, and then gone. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Smoked a lot of cigarettes, that guy. | ||
| Smoked a lot of cigarettes. | ||
| Mike Lacey from the Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| He made you cry that time, Brian. | ||
| He was telling you to stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Oh, why was I crying? | ||
| Because he gets to you, dude. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| He's such a nice guy. | ||
| No, Brian, look at me. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| We care about you. | ||
| We don't want you to die. | ||
| He did one of those, like Robin Williams. | ||
| Well, he's a legit, beautiful person. | ||
| Was it a breakup with a girl at the same day or something? | ||
| I don't know, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, your cat hurt its foot, so you were shoving cigarettes directly into your veins. | ||
| You were opening up veins, stuffing cigarettes. | ||
| I dreamt I stubbed a toe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I dreamt I stubbed a toe. | ||
| I can't fucking hit anything. | ||
| I know that was so uncomfortable. | ||
| I cry pretty easy. | ||
| I almost cried the other day. | ||
| It's just what I'm drinking, I think, sometimes. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| What you're drinking makes you cry? | ||
| Yeah, if I drink too much turkey, that's why I need to- Wild turkey? | ||
| I start crying. | ||
| It's beautiful? | ||
| Your body's breaking down. | ||
| You cry because something's beautiful? | ||
| Yeah, stuff like that, or I think about something ridiculous. | ||
| If you drink that much wild turkey, your body's breaking down. | ||
| It's just slowly dying. | ||
| It's getting poisoned. | ||
| It's moaning, like my old cat. | ||
| Have you had fireball, Joe? | ||
| Shot fireball? | ||
| Have you had fireball? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's been a while. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Have you had it? | ||
| Yeah, it's like cinnamon-y, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is it? | ||
| It's this shot that used to be popular when I was in college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goldschlager? | |
| It kind of went away near the time of Goldschlager and Aftershock. | ||
| Like all those really weird shots. | ||
| But then it kind of went away and it came back and they like repackaged it and everything. | ||
| Now it's like everywhere you go it's everyone's drinking Fireball. | ||
| But it's my new drink. | ||
| Savages. | ||
| Savages. | ||
| Each and every one of you. | ||
| Cinnamon whiskey. | ||
| I wanted to talk to you guys about this Jerry Seinfeld thing. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Pull this up, Brian. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| It's on Gawker. | ||
| Gawker.com. | ||
| G-A-W-K-E-R. Just pull up Gawker. | ||
| It's like right on the front page. | ||
| It's who cares about diversity in comedy. | ||
| Says Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| Yeah, that's not what you want. | ||
| Just look up... | ||
| But look up... | ||
| Just do a Google search on the title. | ||
| Diversity Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| And he's getting just gawker diversity Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| He's doing a public interview. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's people around. | ||
| I don't want to comment on it until we actually pull the video up because I would like you to hear it from him first before we even comment on it. | ||
| Because it's an important subject for guys like Ari and I as comics... | ||
| There's like some shit that they're trying to attach to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here. | |
| Yeah, let's get into that. | ||
| Back up, back up, back up, back up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have noticed that most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes. | |
| Yeah, let's get into that. | ||
| Take a look over here, Peter. | ||
| What do you see? | ||
| A lot of whiteys! | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Oh, this really pisses me off. | ||
| But go ahead. | ||
| Really pisses me off. | ||
| Well, that's okay. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more. | ||
| You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians. | ||
| It's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And in the context of comedy, not gender diversity, I just want to know what you meant by that. | ||
| Well, I'm just kind of curious what it's like to be a woman In comedy, as opposed to a man, there's a little bit of a difference. | ||
| And I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective. | ||
| She's so successful at it. | ||
| And I'm just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it. | ||
| And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that. | ||
| But, you know, it's just another thing to think about. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| But there were a lot of things about comedians and cars in the beginning. | ||
| The first ten I did, I think, were all white males. | ||
| And people were writing all about that. | ||
| That's part of the reason why I asked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld. | |
| Ask him about their gender diversity on the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, people think it's the census or something. | ||
| I mean, this has got to... | ||
| Represent the actual pie chart of America? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| You know, funny is the world that I live in. | ||
| You're funny, I'm interested. | ||
| You're not funny, I'm not interested. | ||
| And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. | ||
| But everyone else is kind of, with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix? | ||
| You know, I think that's... | ||
| To me, it's anti-comedy. | ||
| It's anti-comedy. | ||
| It's more about, you know, PC nonsense than, are you making us laugh or not? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| They went off on that and said that, see, it shows that he's, like, racist. | ||
| Well, I saw people, I saw a video, I don't even want to bring it up, I don't even want to pull the video up because I don't want to watch it again because it was so annoying, of people that were taking that and saying that that's a problem. | ||
| They're taking that. | ||
| He's not saying... | ||
| He's not saying, I don't care if you think I'm racist. | ||
| He's saying, I only care about what's funny. | ||
| He's trying to make things funny, and he's not concerned about making them diverse. | ||
| It's like if you think, oh, how can we have anybody with mustaches on your show? | ||
| Because I wasn't even thinking about that. | ||
| That's what he's saying. | ||
| You should be able to do creatively whatever you want, especially when your goal is to just make stuff funny. | ||
| Like, why should he have to? | ||
| I mean, if I watch a show with all Koreans in it, I don't get upset that there's no white people. | ||
| People say that, well, you know what, that's just because you're white and you're privileged and white people have the advantage. | ||
| There's an overall problem maybe of not using enough black people and not using enough people of color, but that's not each individual shoot's problem. | ||
| Well, it's not the best thing about this world that there's racism. | ||
| It's one of the worst things, right? | ||
| It's not the best thing about our culture that we aren't equally represented in the media. | ||
| It's not the best thing when you have to factor in populations, you have to factor in... | ||
| How long these people have been in the business? | ||
| How long these people have been in the business? | ||
| There's a lot of shit going on when you talk about putting a fucking show on television. | ||
| A lot of people think that once someone gets into a position where they have a successful show, then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse because they're representing America. | ||
| And they're supposed to give Opportunities to an equal percentage of the population. | ||
| They're trying to get me to do that for that storyteller show. | ||
| This is where it's a problem. | ||
| You're not talking about some government position. | ||
| What you're talking about is a creative thing that you're making. | ||
| If you're comfortable doing it only with black people, you should only do it with black people. | ||
| Then it becomes a problem. | ||
| I asked four or five girls. | ||
| None of them could do it. | ||
| I did my part. | ||
| What am I supposed to get somebody worse just because... | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| You should, especially like that, like the storyteller type thing, you should get whoever you think is good. | ||
| It's your show. | ||
| Things that you think are interesting. | ||
| But I know you, so I know if you find a woman who's a gay, black, There's also not that many black cameras at the clubs. | ||
| Seven foot tall woman, and she's really funny, you'll fucking love her, and you'll start talking about how great she is. | ||
| If she's a five foot nine white girl, you know, who's really cute, but she's really hilarious, you'll say she's really hilarious. | ||
| I know you don't give a shit about anything not funny, so it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here, because it's like, they're tricking him. | ||
| That's what you should be focused on. | ||
| But they're tricking him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a set-up question. | ||
| It is a set-up question because it's kind of a goofy... | ||
| You know what he's trying to do when he's trying to make a good television show. | ||
| He's also pretty much... | ||
| Most of that show is him in a car getting coffee with his friend. | ||
| And look, there's cliques. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People have the people they hang out with. | ||
| And there's not that many black comics at the clubs. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| That's the point. | ||
| It's just who he is and who his friends are. | ||
| Yeah, he did a show with those four people. | ||
| He's going to have them on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want him to force a black guy in. | ||
| It's like he's just having mostly his friends. | ||
| And look what happens when they had Chris Rock on, they got pulled over. | ||
| So it's just... | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Yeah, at the end of the episode, they got pulled over. | ||
| He should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| It's his thing. | ||
| He should be able to do whatever he wants. | ||
| The idea that you should be even debating that he's got issues because what he wants is different than what you expect him to want. | ||
| Because it doesn't represent the exact numbers? | ||
| So he had 3 out of 20? | ||
| If he had... | ||
| 5 out of 20 would have been okay. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with Sex and the City. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with a show that's only about women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sex and the City is horrible. | |
| Yes, it is wrong. | ||
| No, if you're a woman and you were in your 40s when that shit came out, you would love it. | ||
| It's just wrong for Ari Shafir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for them, nothing wrong with that. | ||
| It's just women entertainment. | ||
| If it's a bunch of women doing shit for women, they should be able to cast whatever women they want to cast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| There shouldn't be a man that steps up and says, hey. | ||
| That was my favorite used to say about Lifetime Television. | ||
| It was a billboard of a girl holding a gun up, another girl holding another gun up, and then another guy behind her. | ||
| Like in The Force also. | ||
| And you're like, what is it? | ||
| Lifetime television. | ||
| It's like sci-fi for women. | ||
| Like this could never exist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're both hot and you're leading the squad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And the guys behind you is back up. | ||
| Just accepting that role. | ||
| It is like sci-fi for women. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Wouldn't it be awesome if the world was like this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a few of those fucking silly movies. | ||
| But that's okay for them, man. | ||
| If that's what they want, it's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If that's what they want, black entertainment is so bad. | ||
| Whoa, what are you saying? | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| What they feed them is fucking garbage. | ||
| You mean like Tyler Perry? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| That's one. | ||
| That's one. | ||
| It's just all of it. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| Have you ever seen like the CW, the black shows? | ||
| Which shows? | ||
| Whatever they are, over the years. | ||
| Moesha to the Wayans Brothers to whatever. | ||
| The Wayans Brothers? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's just bad entertainment. | ||
| They're offering them. | ||
| They don't offer them anything of value. | ||
| You say them like there's some other people. | ||
| Yeah, they offer that group, the blacks. | ||
| I feel bad for them. | ||
| The blacks. | ||
| The blacks. | ||
| All their fucking black comedy movies. | ||
| It's like, what is this? | ||
| Soul Plane. | ||
| It's just goofy. | ||
| Well, whatever happened to Robert Townsend? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember, he used to do... | ||
| Hollywood Shuffle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He did some really cool, funny movies. | ||
| Yeah, what happened to people like that? | ||
| It's really interesting because there's a bunch of known white comedy directors, like Judd Apatow. | ||
| Harold Ramis, over the years, there's been tons of them. | ||
| Guys who produce white... | ||
| Todd Phillips? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of those. | |
| They're producing white comedies, hilarious white comedies. | ||
| You don't hear about a lot of black guys that are doing that, it's so true. | ||
| But are they white comedies, or are they just comedies? | ||
| Well, they're not, because Craig Robinson is on a lot of them. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| He was awesome in This Is The End. | ||
| He was really good in that. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he was. | ||
| I like the part where Michael Cera got stabbed by a thing, and he's like, somebody took my cell phone, and I start bringing his back pocket, and he's like, oh, that's really embarrassing. | ||
| That was a funny movie, man. | ||
| When Kenny Powers came in, that's when it became the most awesome movie ever. | ||
| He's such a dickhead. | ||
| He does that character so good. | ||
| Start washing his feet with their fucking, whatever water they had remaining. | ||
| Small amount of water. | ||
| But again, I mean, you should be able to make a show with whoever you want to make a show. | ||
| It doesn't make you a racist person. | ||
| And he's right. | ||
| It's irrelevant. | ||
| The terms you're talking about have nothing to do with that world. | ||
| That world, that's what he said. | ||
| It exists in funny. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all that matters. | ||
| But the idea that you should have affirmative action in comedy. | ||
| That you should, you know, and that's essentially what they're saying. | ||
| They're saying that you should have to have X amount of women. | ||
| You should have to have X amount of black people. | ||
| If you don't, they're saying, wait a minute, do you have just a lot of white friends? | ||
| But then the problem is that you're making female comedy worse. | ||
| You're making it worse for advancing people without merit. | ||
| You're making it overall worse. | ||
| Well, you can, most certainly. | ||
| You know, the other argument would be that he just doesn't hang out in those cliques, so he doesn't know these funny women, and it would benefit everybody if he got to know them and had them on. | ||
| I could see that argument maybe if there was like a pool of talent that you knew that was like really fucking crackling that you wanted to have on your show. | ||
| But at the end of the day, it's who he wants to talk to. | ||
| Like when people say to me, like, why did you have a Bigfoot expert on? | ||
| Because I want to fucking talk to a Bigfoot expert. | ||
| You know, why do you have a bow hunting expert on? | ||
| Because I want to talk to a bowhunting expert. | ||
| I find it interesting. | ||
| You don't have to listen, you know, but if you want to, I will do my best to try to make it entertaining and I will try to ask the questions that I have. | ||
| I will try to explore as objectively and thoroughly as possible my perspective and my point of view. | ||
| So, I mean, somebody asked me the other day, like, how many gay people we had on. | ||
| Well, I don't know, like three or four or something like that, like maybe. | ||
| Melissa Etheridge, Todd Glass, Justin Martindale. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| We had some other ones. | ||
| Let's out somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had a few others. | ||
| Well, whoever the fuck it was. | ||
| You know, and someone was like, well, why haven't you had more? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Like, why do I have to? | ||
| Like, now I don't want to. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| You know, now you bring it up. | ||
| I'm annoyed. | ||
| But then it's also like, am I just not friends enough with black people or gay people? | ||
| Listen, man, anybody I find interesting, I'll talk to. | ||
| I give zero fucks about what they look like. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't care if someone's black or white or fat or skinny. | ||
| If they're interesting, they're interesting. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I don't care what kind of music you like. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm not judgmental on that stuff. | ||
| Please don't wear sweatpants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll talk to anybody. | |
| I'm sweatpantsin' it to death, son. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| I'm sweatpants in it. | ||
| I'm with a jacket, a nice tracksuit jacket, and a fat fanny back with my Higher Primate logo. | ||
| Have you seen the Higher Primate fanny pack, Ari? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| So sexy. | ||
| Let me see it. | ||
| So sexy. | ||
| Once you see it, you'll understand my passion. | ||
| This garment. | ||
| Eventually we'll all have purses. | ||
| But until then, the higher primate fanny pack is what's up. | ||
| I do think the men got the shaft on the accessible pouches. | ||
| Look at that beautiful leather. | ||
| Look at the front. | ||
| See that little higher primate logo? | ||
| It says higher primate? | ||
| Yeah, it's a monkey with a chimp with a light bulb above his head. | ||
| Like, I got an idea. | ||
| First idea. | ||
| First idea. | ||
| That's the higher primate. | ||
| That's the first step. | ||
| A curious chimp. | ||
| We used to always look through the checks at the comedy store to see who got what. | ||
| We were always like, who's Hire Primate? | ||
| There's a few we didn't know. | ||
| That's not my company. | ||
| My company's... | ||
| Well, I can't tell you. | ||
| You shouldn't say it online. | ||
| Everybody, keep it together. | ||
| But the Higher Primate fanny pack is just the beginning. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| From there, I'm going to launch a bunch of other gay shit. | ||
| Yeah, that pisses me off. | ||
| Did you see what Natasha did when she had that thing for New Year's Eve? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People got mad at her. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| There's no reason to get mad. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| And she made the best apology you could ever make. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| She was like, fuck you. | ||
| I'm not sorry. | ||
| You misunderstood it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're old. | |
| Their teeth fall out when they're old. | ||
| That's the joke. | ||
| Well, not only that, she was pretty clear that she was just joking around. | ||
| It was pretty obvious that it was just her trying to... | ||
| Real veterans are being mistreated as they come home now. | ||
| That's the issue you should worry about if you want to honor the veterans. | ||
| It's a joke, and it's not that people were really upset. | ||
| It's that people think that they have the license to be upset and that they can get you in trouble. | ||
| That's what people are trying to do. | ||
| They're trying to get you in trouble. | ||
| They're not just trying to change things. | ||
| They're trying to get you in trouble. | ||
| So they can contact the network and say, you should do something. | ||
| I was offended! | ||
| She said this. | ||
| You don't have anybody in your family that says something that dumb occasionally. | ||
| They miss one. | ||
| They go for a little old person joke. | ||
| I want vengeance, and I deserve vengeance. | ||
| She should be fired out in the street. | ||
| But if an episode of a drama is not any good, you can't fire anybody. | ||
| Put her in the street! | ||
| What I want to see is if it's not such an innocuous joke, if it actually is a borderline rape or murder or pedophile joke where it's not completely nothing and it's not a cute woman doing the non-apology. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I want to see how people get that or if people like Chris Rock are going to puss out again like he did Tracy Morgan and just do a 180 and go from like, no, he can say whatever he wants to, well, alright, you go too far sometimes. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Chris Rock, when Tracy Morgan had that thing with the gay... | ||
| He said he went too far? | ||
| Yeah, he just totally flipped his views. | ||
| Well, there's certain things that you feel like... | ||
| They called him overnight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's certain things that you feel like you can't fucking endorse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and that kind of gay bash thing, like saying that he would stab his son if his son was gay. | ||
| People are like, oh, I can't endorse that. | ||
| I can't endorse that. | ||
| But if you know Tracy Morgan... | ||
| He's been doing that stuff forever. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| He says ridiculously outrageous shit that he doesn't really mean. | ||
| And now, because it's popular, you're going to go against it? | ||
| Say whatever he wants. | ||
| You know what he's doing. | ||
| Everybody knows what he's doing. | ||
| It's like a joke to pretend that he's not saying something completely outrageous that he absolutely doesn't mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old you are? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| How old you are? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you 26? | |
| You must be fast! | ||
| How fast your pee? | ||
| My pee's slow. | ||
| Yeah, he rubs his belly. | ||
| Someone getting pregnant. | ||
| He was slapping his belly on that TV show. | ||
| Someone getting pregnant tonight. | ||
| Tell you right now. | ||
| Someone getting pregnant. | ||
| You know, that's his whole thing. | ||
| It was a real rumor that he couldn't read. | ||
| A real legitimate rumor that people were talking about. | ||
| Well, Charlie Barnett couldn't read. | ||
| That's how he couldn't get on the Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Charlie Barnett. | ||
| Charlie Barnett was Shave Chappelle's teacher? | ||
| Yeah, him and a lot of other guys. | ||
| When I was in New York, he was already not there anymore. | ||
| I don't know where he was. | ||
| He died of AIDS, I believe. | ||
| But he was like a guy who... | ||
| It was Dave Chappelle. | ||
| He sort of taught Dave Chappelle how to do... | ||
| Those street side shows, I think. | ||
| I might be talking out of school. | ||
| But I have seen Dave Chappelle do a street side show. | ||
| Dave Chappelle did it in Montreal. | ||
| It was pretty hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I mean, he was really young, too. | ||
| It was when I first met him. | ||
| I think he was probably like... | ||
| I first met him in New York, and then I saw him again up in Montreal when he was maybe like 19. He stood on the side of the highway? | ||
| Took his hat off, put his hat on the ground, and did a comedy show, and then passed his hat around. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And people put money in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| This was before he was famous. | ||
| And he would just do it at the drop of a hat. | ||
| Just do... | ||
| Did you ever notice? | ||
| Just to make money. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| I wonder what tricks he must have developed to get the crowd. | ||
| He must have developed certain things in order to get them to gather around. | ||
| I think he would just call them around, and he looks like a guy who'd be fun to listen to talk, so people slow down. | ||
| Some folks are in a hurry and some folks aren't, and the ones that aren't, they circle them, and then he'll do a little five-minute comedy show and then pass a hat around. | ||
| I saw him do it in Montreal. | ||
| Apparently, Charlie Barnett used to do that, and he was legendary at it. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| He was awesome at being hilarious to a bunch of people off the cuff. | ||
| He had material that he would do, but he would also be off the cuff funny, and he would gather people around, and then he would hand out the hat, pass out the hat. | ||
| And that's how he would make some money. | ||
| And he became famous doing comedy, did a lot of stand-up, people loved him on stage, and then he got an audition for Saturday Night Live. | ||
| And apparently the word was that he got the part, but he couldn't read. | ||
| So since he couldn't read scripts, they couldn't hire him. | ||
| It's tough to work in that environment without being able to read. | ||
| Yeah, and apparently he had a problem with intravenous drugs. | ||
| He loved them. | ||
| Yeah, he found out about them. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| But he apparently was like... | ||
| I keep saying apparently. | ||
| Apparently I ran out of adjectives or words. | ||
| He was like one of the pioneers of that style of comedy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All natural talking? | ||
| Yeah, well, not just natural talking, but like... | ||
| Knowing how to captivate a group and get everybody to settle down and put out a hat. | ||
| That's such a tough crowd that when you go onto a stage at a comedy club... | ||
| It must be nothing. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you're running uphill all day. | ||
| Whenever we saw those Thirsty Promenade people, everyone had the thought of, like, can I do comedy here? | ||
| Could I do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard, though. | ||
| I've never seen anybody do it besides Dave. | ||
| I've never seen anybody just do, like, street comedy. | ||
| It just seems weird. | ||
| It does. | ||
| I've seen the goofy, like, the dancers will do comedy in between when they're going to make a dance. | ||
| Well, I don't think Dave would do it today. | ||
| I mean, I know he did do some shows in Seattle. | ||
| Remember when he wasn't doing official shows anymore? | ||
| He did a show in Seattle where he just showed up and brought a speaker and started doing stand-up in the park. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Let's put it down. | ||
| Yeah, his career has been fucking fascinating. | ||
| He's a fascinating guy. | ||
| You ever have him on the podcast? | ||
| I would definitely, but I've never run into him. | ||
| I need to run into him. | ||
| I haven't run into him since I've been doing it. | ||
| He said he would do it. | ||
| I ran into him a couple times. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get a hold of him. | ||
| He would be awesome to have on. | ||
| Yeah, I bet. | ||
| He's a good dude, man. | ||
| He's a funny fucking guy, too. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's been funny for a long time. | ||
| Dude, when he came back from Africa, he did that show in the main room. | ||
| I don't know if that was after you stopped going there or before. | ||
| I have that on tape. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| In my car. | ||
| It was so packed and everybody was there. | ||
| Fucking Bruce Willis was there. | ||
| Soundgarden was there. | ||
| The fucking fire department showed up and just asked if they could sit on the steps to block the fucking escape. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| That was the ticket. | ||
| Did you see Kiss the other night was at House of Blues and there was like Arnold Schwarzenegger was there. | ||
| Stallone was there. | ||
| Paul's family is doing the podcast. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dog the bounty hunter. | ||
| You got Eddie Bravo to come in too? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if Eddie can but I want to get Ace Frehley too. | ||
| I met Ace Freely when I was like seven years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How? | |
| My uncle was an artist, and he worked for the advertising agency that created the album covers and the album art. | ||
| It was back when they had, you know, they were artwork. | ||
| I mean, the album would open up, especially two discs, like Kiss Alive 2, would have two records in it, and it would open up, and there's all these images, and advertising guys would put together these albums. | ||
| They made the artwork, so they hired artists, graphic artists, to create these things. | ||
| And Ace really came into the office. | ||
| I went to work with my uncle. | ||
| He took me to work with him, because I was an artist at the time, too. | ||
| I was really into art. | ||
| And so he wanted me to see what his office was like, in case maybe I wanted to do it someday. | ||
| And I just so happened to be... | ||
| He took me in a couple times, but I just so happened to be there the day that Ace Freely arrived. | ||
| Was he wearing his makeup or anything? | ||
| No makeup. | ||
| That's why I was so crazy. | ||
| Because at the time... | ||
| It was, like, no one knew what they looked like. | ||
| They would walk around with bandanas over their face. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a big thing. | ||
| Like, photographers were constantly trying to catch them. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to catch them out. | ||
| Because if they caught them, they would get the first photo of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And there was a few of, like, calls down, like this, where you'd see, like, this much of his face. | ||
| Like the neighbor from Tool Time? | ||
| You'd see, like, this much of his face. | ||
| You wouldn't see his total face. | ||
| You'd just see, like, a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you saw him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I saw him when I was like, I think I was like 7 or 8 or something like that. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I was like starstruck. | ||
| So I can't believe you. | ||
| Did you tell the rest of your classmates and have them not believe you? | ||
| Well, my cousin had seen them a bunch. | ||
| My cousin, Iona, she was like friends with them. | ||
| They would go play softball together, and she would talk about it. | ||
| She's like, it's the weirdest thing. | ||
| I played softball with Gene Simmons, and you had no makeup on. | ||
| We were playing softball with Kiss, and no one knows it's Kiss. | ||
| They have no makeup on. | ||
| You're like, this is the nuttiest thing ever. | ||
| And my uncle was like, he's a really cool character, very artistic character, so his daughter was very cool as well. | ||
| She's really smart, and she... | ||
| You know, so like her describing it was very, it was like, she was not, she was totally taking into account the bizarreness of it. | ||
| She's like, so I'm standing there and I'm playing softball with Kiss. | ||
| And as I've got this glove on, I'm looking around and she's like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm playing softball with these guys that don't have makeup on. | |
| This is the most famous, I mean, she was my age at the time. | ||
| We were both like, you know, like eight years old. | ||
| How massive did they get? | ||
| Oh, they were huge. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they were gigantic. | ||
| I saw them in the 90s. | ||
| Kiss. | ||
| Well, I saw them in the 70s when I was a little kid. | ||
| My uncle took me to a show. | ||
| And that was when he was working for the company back then. | ||
| I was really young. | ||
| He took me to a Kiss show. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I might have been like 10 or something like that. | ||
| Maybe 11. At the most, I was 11. But he took me to a Kiss show then. | ||
| I went to a couple. | ||
| And then I went to two in a row with Kevin James. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, in the 90s. | ||
| Kissed when they made their comeback. | ||
| Was it the 90s or the early 2000s? | ||
| I think it might have been 90s. | ||
| I don't think I was even on Fear Factor yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And Kevin was out here. | ||
| Kevin had won Star Search. | ||
| He won Star Search? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of Bushman. | ||
| Yeah, Kevin was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Bushman beat Norm Macdonald. | ||
| Kevin's one of the most underrated stand-ups ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| That dude, he could hit moments on stage. | ||
| He had some bits on stage that were fucking murderers. | ||
| But he always wanted to keep it clean and family-friendly. | ||
| And he wanted to make it... | ||
| He didn't want to piss anybody off. | ||
| He didn't want people to not be able to go to his shows. | ||
| He kept his act... | ||
| Real clean. | ||
| Especially once he had Cane Queens. | ||
| Then he cleaned up even more. | ||
| He would never do a bit that you would do or I would do. | ||
| I remember when his hour special came out. | ||
| It was one of the first hour specials. | ||
| It was too big for a half hour. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I was with that dude when he was coming up. | ||
| Before he got any of that shit, that guy could kill me. | ||
| He was hilarious. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| He used to do this bit about getting pissed, because Kevin is a sweet guy. | ||
| He's an awesome guy. | ||
| But if he gets pissed off, he's got a fucking temper. | ||
| He doesn't do anything, but he does get angry at shit. | ||
| He's not a violent guy. | ||
| But you could see him get fucking crazy about shit. | ||
| So he had this bit about his girlfriend. | ||
| He was hitting the unlock button on the door at the same time she was pulling the handle, and they cancel each other out. | ||
| And he had this bit where they kept doing it again, and it builds up. | ||
| Fucking hilarious bit, man. | ||
| And he would go apeshit on stage and scream. | ||
| I don't even think he swore back then. | ||
| He might swear a little bit, like shit or something like that, every now and then. | ||
| But he was trying to do a very specific type of comedy. | ||
| That story about him at Montreal or Aspen with Sussman and the deal he got where you're like, come talk to my guy. | ||
| Let him see what he can get you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's an unfortunate story, but I don't think we can repeat that because it's very bad for someone's business. | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| Yeah, we can't repeat numbers either. | ||
| But yeah, he got lucky and got a good manager. | ||
| My manager knew exactly what to do. | ||
| He had another older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice. | ||
| And they're about to get him to make a terrible... | ||
| Well, they had said a lot of shitty things to him. | ||
| One of the things they said, no one would ever believe this if you never worked in Hollywood, but there was a guy that was working with him before that actually told him to not lose weight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because they'll go out of category? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The actual quote was, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing roles. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He actually said that to him. | ||
| When you lose weight, when you get healthy, no one's going to like you. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| It's not possible for you to be this funny unless you're a fat fuck, okay? | ||
| So stay a fat fuck so we can all make money. | ||
| Kevin! | ||
| When you lose weight, you're losing roles. | ||
| We're losing money, Kevin. | ||
| That's so mean. | ||
| People don't want you in there. | ||
| You're going to die early, but we can use you. | ||
| It's the worst thing ever because it gave him a green light to eat whatever the fuck he wanted. | ||
| Kevin, when I first met him, was a pretty stout character. | ||
| He was even thinner and more stout when he was in high school. | ||
| He was really into karate for a while, did a lot of karate, was really in good shape. | ||
| And when he was in really good shape, he was like 200 pounds and ripped, man. | ||
| Just a tank. | ||
| Those old pictures of Joey Diaz where you're like, who's that? | ||
| He's a tank. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when a guy tells you shit like that, like you lose weight, you're losing rolls, you're like giving a guy a green light to just eat whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's rude. | ||
| They're just trying to make money. | ||
| They're just idiots. | ||
| People that want to tell you how you should be. | ||
| You know, you shouldn't be healthy. | ||
| There's Kevin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't need an iron anymore. | |
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| It is so hot down here, I cannot take it anymore. | ||
| Although in my room I have air conditioning, which I love. | ||
| It's great, because I grew up without air conditioning. | ||
| It was the worst. | ||
| My dad was too cheap. | ||
| Don't do his bits, because he probably wouldn't like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Star Search. | |
| Oh, that was Star Search? | ||
| Two-minute comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Yeah, he probably would go, ah, you fucking do my bit, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| You know how comedians are, like, you take a chunk of their material and put it on, like, oh, I hate that bit. | ||
| Don't fucking do that bit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But he would kill me, man. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| He got really into making a TV show. | ||
| He really enjoyed the process of making a sitcom. | ||
| He's good at that shit. | ||
| He's good at comedic acting. | ||
| I just really wish he would really chase comedy more. | ||
| The guy was so funny, man. | ||
| He used to kill me. | ||
| When we were kids, we were in our early 20s together and we would do gigs together. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs together. | ||
| He was hilarious, man. | ||
| He was a hilarious dude. | ||
| And he was like real honest about his insecurities and shit. | ||
| Some of the people you started with are actually still around. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them are still around. | ||
| Made it. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them have made it, really. | ||
| Still doing this. | ||
| Yeah, like Norton. | ||
| Norton and I have been friends since, fuck, since we were both like 21 or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, we're both like 46. I love seeing somebody in my open mic days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Greg Fitzsimmons is my oldest friend ever. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons and I literally went on stage like within a week of each other. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were friends in the dark, dark days of open mic nights. | ||
| We were buddies back when we were, you know, complete amateurs. | ||
| Neither one of us. | ||
| We were terrible. | ||
| We had nothing. | ||
| So to, like, be friends still, to be friends now and see him, like, I downloaded his... | ||
| The odds you make it past six months were small. | ||
| Not so good, for sure. | ||
| But I downloaded his new comedy special. | ||
| He just has a comedy special that he just put out. | ||
| Is that the one where he talks about how... | ||
| How easy Americans have it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking great. | ||
| But I listened to it on the way home from a gig and was laughing my ass off. | ||
| It was really fucking funny. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| And it was so cool to be able to drive home and listen to, you know, a guy that I started with. | ||
| And he's slaying. | ||
| And even more cool for me, for Greg, because Greg for a while was a, Greg is a multiple time Emmy winning writer. | ||
| Oh yeah, he makes a lot of his money writing. | ||
| Well, he's won Emmys. | ||
| He's a really good writer. | ||
| He's got a good book as well, but he decided to take some time off of doing stand-up. | ||
| He didn't do stand-up for a long time. | ||
| Maybe he did it occasionally, but he really didn't dive into it like he's back doing now. | ||
| And then after he dove back into it, then he put out this special. | ||
| It was extra cool driving around listening to that special. | ||
| Because I knew what he did. | ||
| I knew how he worked. | ||
| I knew that he got back into comedy. | ||
| And I knew that he really loved it again. | ||
| A lot of our friends, we talk about that. | ||
| Callan and I have the same conversation every week. | ||
| He was just in some club. | ||
| He did Cap City in Austin. | ||
| And we're on the phone. | ||
| We're just both in our cars, just catching up. | ||
| And he goes, it's the greatest fucking job in the world. | ||
| It's the greatest fucking job. | ||
| I don't want to do anything else. | ||
| He goes, I do other things. | ||
| I don't want to do them. | ||
| He goes, what I want to do is I want to do comedy. | ||
| I want to tell jokes. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| You watch them on stage. | ||
| I've had a chance to do some shows with him lately, too. | ||
| And you could see him just really enjoying this. | ||
| Having done all these movies and all these TV shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor. | ||
| And then seeing him just murdering with his own silly goose style of comedy because he's so silly, you know? | ||
| It's really fucking great to see, man. | ||
| Really great to see. | ||
| Really funny, funny shit too, man. | ||
| Like, knowing guys, I've known Callan since 94. Really? | ||
| So I've known Greg since 88. Greg's my longest-running friend in comedy. | ||
| Christ. | ||
| But Callan and I have been best friends since, like, the moment we met. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, there's like a core group. | ||
| Was it him in New York? | ||
| No, I met him out here. | ||
| I did MADtv. | ||
| He was on MADtv and I was the host of MADtv. | ||
| He was on 7th Heaven for like a bunch of episodes. | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| He did fucking 7th Heaven. | ||
| And Oz. | ||
| Don't pull up videos of us on MADtv. | ||
| I know what you're doing, you fuck. | ||
| We were children back then. | ||
| But we became friends like almost immediately. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| We said like three or four sentences together and we were playing, hanging out together. | ||
| Yeah, he's just a fun dude. | ||
| It's hard to make fun friends, but it's cool when you run into him and you collect him. | ||
| You're like, oh, I found a good one. | ||
| He's a good friend. | ||
| And then you see that guy prosper. | ||
| You see that guy growing and developing. | ||
| It's one of the most depressing things when you see a guy who used to do good. | ||
| I don't want to say any names, but guys that we know that had potential, and then they fell off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they stop doing comedy altogether and you're like, my God, we came up together. | ||
| Like, that guy was just as good as me in 1998. Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, they stopped. | ||
| They stopped. | ||
| They stopped doing comedy and they, you know, he got a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| A job? | ||
| Doing what? | ||
| Why didn't he? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why didn't he follow up? | ||
| It scares everybody else, too. | ||
| Like, is that a possibility? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the guys we know who can just stop? | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| They don't understand. | ||
| And that's why they get angry when I use the word civilian. | ||
| By the way, everyone who gets angry because I use the word civilian to describe non-comics, go fuck yourself. | ||
| For real. | ||
| For real, go fuck yourself. | ||
| You're a civilian. | ||
| Stop your whining. | ||
| Stop your demand for respect. | ||
| Stop all of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop what? | |
| You know what we're talking about, you dummies. | ||
| We're talking about the difference between someone who understands the fucking hectic, chaotic, mental war you go on. | ||
| In your head when you're being a stand-up comic. | ||
| We're describing the mess of this life that you will not understand if you don't do it. | ||
| Just like if you're a stockbroker and I'm not, call me a civilian, I'm not going to get offended. | ||
| I wouldn't get offended, by the way, if I was a fucking soldier either. | ||
| I wouldn't get offended. | ||
| You know what people are saying. | ||
| It's called a figure of speech. | ||
| Don't be a cunt. | ||
| Find some other shit to be annoyed at. | ||
| Don't be a cunt. | ||
| Find some other shit to be annoyed at. | ||
| There's plenty of things that are real that you could be annoyed at. | ||
| Don't be annoyed if somebody uses the term civilian. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| Did you see that video of a comedian in Tennessee that there was like a group in the front row that were like wrestlers and stuff like that, like these big guys? | ||
| They start heckling and then the guy gets on stage and racks him right in the balls. | ||
| Racks who? | ||
| Racks the comic? | ||
| Racks the comic. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Here's the video. | ||
| Oh, I don't want to see this man. | ||
| The guy is huge too. | ||
| It's a... | ||
| Balletville Cafe, I don't even know where that is. | ||
| He hit him in the balls? | ||
| Yeah, he gets on stage and then racks him. | ||
| Racks him? | ||
| Why did you get the word racks? | ||
| Oh, he told them what it means? | ||
| Do you know the term? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I saw that. | |
| I was on stage when... | ||
| I guess he already did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
...decided to meet me in the balls. | |
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
| I feel like the next thing you're gonna do is try to shake my hand and be like... | ||
| He already did it, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
...on stage. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Why is he still in the room? | ||
| Where did he start doing it, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not cute. | |
| Upright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that even mean? | |
| Phantom of the Opera? | ||
| You think I'm roleplaying the Phantom of the Opera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a fucking pussy do you think I am? | |
| Jesus, man. | ||
| If I'm doing roleplaying, it's Catholic schoolgirls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time, dude. | |
| Okay, I don't think this is it, Brian. | ||
| Well, find it, then. | ||
| I don't want to sit through this. | ||
| Slop. | ||
| Why was he still in the room? | ||
| These clubs, like, just, alright, they already attacked the comic. | ||
| Tell him to leave. | ||
| Tell him to settle his bill and leave. | ||
| Guy comes on stage and taps you in the balls. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| They're just a little too comfortable hitting each other. | ||
| When you hit each other for a living like wrestlers do, they slap each other in the face. | ||
| A regular person does not like that. | ||
| They don't want to deal with that shit at all. | ||
| People who don't respect professional wrestling, you might not enjoy it as a form of entertainment, but you better respect how hard it is to do. | ||
| Piper came to the store the other day. | ||
| Those guys fucking, they sacrificed every part of their body. | ||
| They're all weathered. | ||
| They're all broken up, man. | ||
| That is a crazy fucking way to try to make a living. | ||
| He's throwing chairs at each other and shit and jumping off the top rope and fucking doing flips and landing on your face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's some crazy shit, man. | ||
| That is one of the most destructive jobs in show business as far as what it does to your body. | ||
| Slamming on the ground. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Do you remember the Brock Lesnar one where he did the shooting star press? | ||
| You know, he did a flip but he missed the flip and landed on his fucking head? | ||
| Oh no, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to do a flip and like pin a guy. | ||
| Like he was going to get on the top rope and do a flip and pin a guy. | ||
| But he missed. | ||
| And just bam on his head? | ||
| Landed right on his fucking head. | ||
| I had Tate sling. | ||
| Oh, that guy just kneed him in the balls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to come up on stage. | |
| What are you going to do about it? | ||
| I'm not backing down, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh. | ||
| He wants to hit him back. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Okay, I don't want to watch this, man. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's harsh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't have left that guy on stage. | ||
| He definitely shouldn't have said, what are you going to do? | ||
| Like, what's up with that fake bravado of having that guy on stage and saying, what are you going to do? | ||
| And this fucking giant wrestler guy standing in front of me. | ||
| And meet him with balls. | ||
| Taunting him. | ||
| He shouldn't be on stage, first of all, definitely, for sure. | ||
| But, you know, the fucking show is basically over at that point. | ||
| It's such a weird position now. | ||
| He's like, oh, what do you want me to walk away? | ||
| Well, yeah, you're getting bullied by a giant wrestler, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, that guy was twice the size of that guy. | ||
| Why did he go back and sit down and nobody throws him out? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| You can't go on stage and knee somebody in the balls and then they don't throw you out. | ||
| Why can't you get sued for that? | ||
| Why can't you be like, this random stranger just knee me in the balls? | ||
| That's not part of my job. | ||
| Yeah, you should be able to sue for that. | ||
| The club, for sure, you should be able to sue the guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy for kneeing you in the balls. | ||
| Well, Tammy had that drink thrown at her and she tried to press charges and the sheriff was like, no, no, it's just comedy. | ||
| What? | ||
| She's like, he threw a drink at my head. | ||
| He threw a glass at my head. | ||
| I want to press charges. | ||
| That's assault. | ||
| They didn't bring him in? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't throw a glass at somebody. | ||
| If he hit her, that's a fucking weapon. | ||
| I know, but he's like, ah, she's part of comedy. | ||
| It's like, why? | ||
| Why is it part of comedy? | ||
| We don't agree to that? | ||
| What? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What a fucking lazy cop that is. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's a guy who didn't want to fill out some paperwork. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder where that was with Tammy. | ||
| Because the actual assault didn't happen. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's just like, alright, I filled up that. | ||
| Or he's a local and she's not. | ||
| So, like, I'm not gonna just arrest somebody over some traveling salesman. | ||
| Local in LA? No, it wasn't here. | ||
| It was on the road somewhere. | ||
| Oh, I was like, that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Like, where did this take place? | ||
| It must have been some fucking hillbilly shack. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know exactly. | ||
| Texas or somewhere? | ||
| Nashville? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're just making shit up. | ||
| You're just making shit up? | ||
| No, I don't know where it was. | ||
| Texas and Nashville are nowhere near each other! | ||
| It was somewhere. | ||
| Chicago, Canada, something. | ||
| Somewhere Redneck. | ||
| Fucking Florida, I don't know, something. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| But, you know, that's one of the problems with owning a club. | ||
| You own a club, you're serving people one of the most ridiculous drinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the most ridiculous drugs when it comes to behavior, like managing your behavior. | ||
| Dork lights. | ||
| You just give people, like, this drug that makes them want to behave like a fucking asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, a good percentage of people want to behave like an asshole. | ||
| On that. | ||
| On that drug. | ||
| And then you're selling that. | ||
| That's what you sell. | ||
| And you need them to be around. | ||
| And then you got some guy who's on stage talking mad shit about sucking dicks and shooting cum into people. | ||
| And people getting crazy. | ||
| They get crazy. | ||
| They're drunk and someone's talking about sex and crazy talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go! | |
| Yeah, they get nutty. | ||
| And they just can't believe what they're hearing. | ||
| They want another drink. | ||
| Where's that fucking waitress? | ||
| I want a drink. | ||
| Yeah, they hear somebody talking loud. | ||
| Yeah, and there's a lot of that. | ||
| Well, you shut the fuck up! | ||
| Sometimes you hear that. | ||
| Well, you guys need to shut the fuck up! | ||
| They hear that in the audience, people arguing with people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Somebody else tells them to be quiet because they can't hear. | ||
| Last time we were at... | ||
| Duncan and I were at the Hollywood Improv in Florida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And some people almost duked it out. | ||
| In the audience. | ||
| Yeah, because one group was talking, the other group turned around. | ||
| They were like, will you shut the fuck up? | ||
| A guy jumped up and he was pointing at this big fucking giant fat guy. | ||
| You shot the Rob Ford looking type character. | ||
| He was screaming at these people and they were screaming back at him and it was like, wow, in the middle of the fucking show. | ||
| You guys are all disruptive. | ||
| Please stop that. | ||
| Yeah, he was getting super angry and loud because the guy behind him was loud. | ||
| Like, it was more about him than it was even about the show. | ||
| Like, Even though there was like 300 people there for this show, I understand that this guy is being a dick, but his yelling made it way crazier for everybody else. | ||
| He wasn't concerned about that. | ||
| Once the confrontation started, it was out of his control. | ||
| It was on. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Sorry to everybody, but this is happening. | ||
| Everybody else, fuck you. | ||
| That's the fight Superman got into. | ||
| This latest one. | ||
| Just destroying a bunch of buildings. | ||
| Superman got into a fight and destroyed buildings? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Why isn't he fighting the desert? | ||
| If you're Superman, you grab guys, you bring them out in the desert, and you kick their ass off. | ||
| Let's do it here. | ||
| You don't kick people's ass in the middle of the city, you fucking dummy. | ||
| You can fly around the world in a second and you choose to duke it out in the city, you're an asshole. | ||
| Guilty! | ||
| Next case. | ||
| Send him to the sun. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| If I was a fucking judge and Superman came in and he told me to smash these buildings apart, I'd be like, what? | ||
| Why didn't you take him to the moon? | ||
| Duke it out up there, you fucking asshole. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can breathe up there. | |
| He can go wherever he wants. | ||
| He can do anything. | ||
| Superman can fly to space. | ||
| He's fucking Superman. | ||
| Yeah, he can. | ||
| He lives in a different kind of planet, man. | ||
| I never liked Superman because of that reason. | ||
| I'm like, he seems indestructible. | ||
| Yeah, he's totally indestructible. | ||
| Unless you get that kryptonite. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| You know what kryptonite is, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| Pussy, for sure. | ||
| Woman. | ||
| Yeah, it stands for pussy. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Look, it makes him weak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It takes him out of character. | ||
| He can't make decisions for himself. | ||
| Yeah, that is what it is. | ||
| Eventually, it sucks his power away and he dies. | ||
| Dude, there's times where you just know you're making the wrong decision. | ||
| With a woman or with kryptonite? | ||
| With a woman. | ||
| And you're just like, ugh. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Why am I doing it? | ||
| Even as you're doing it, you're like, why? | ||
| God, it's because of the pull they have. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what it is, man? | ||
| Your genes want to spread. | ||
| Yeah, you can't help it. | ||
| And women who have beautiful bodies, like a woman's body, is the most incredible magnet for a man. | ||
| I swear it came a little bit. | ||
| I'll just wipe it off. | ||
| It'll be fine. | ||
| Let me just get my finger in there and clean it out. | ||
| I would not have made that decision yesterday like this. | ||
| Did I shoot it in her? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, I did not. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| I did it with a black girl finally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Bam. | ||
| Let me pee and then tell me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hold your story. | ||
| Talk to him about something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess I'll wait. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just so you know, everybody, my next storyteller show is in Los Angeles, February 27th at The Improv. | ||
| Me, Marc Maron, Ralphie Mae, Louis Katz, so far. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| Yeah, $5. | ||
| That's a nice show. | ||
| I like that show. | ||
| I like the one that you had with Natasha, Bobby Lee, Renizzisi, and you were all talking about the whole thing. | ||
| That was a fun one. | ||
| Yeah, that's really good. | ||
| That was a fun one. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| Yeah, I loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so fun. | |
| It's so funny how Bobby can't not be funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was a really good one. | ||
| Look at this is not happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go do a YouTube search for that. | ||
| You'll find it. | ||
| But yeah, that was a good one. | ||
| Steve eventually just lost control, so he's just like, oh, whatever. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| I like when Bobby lies, and then when you both, when you say, no, you're wrong, and somebody else says you're wrong, he'll go, okay, all right. | ||
| It was really cool, because I've heard that story so many times, but never actually seen, like, a Natasha around there. | ||
| Yeah, all of us together. | ||
| When she brought up the water thing, I could tell you were like, oh, I did do that. | ||
| Like, I'm sorry about... | ||
| People ask me who was right and who was wrong. | ||
| I was like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm just embarrassed about my behavior. | ||
| I don't care who else's behavior. | ||
| Yeah, because you dumped a water glass on her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Heartbreak, man. | ||
| It gets you. | ||
| San Jose Improv, March, middle of March, and again, Chicago Zanies this weekend. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| I was just there, and go across the street to that, yeah, improv, go across the street to that dab place. | ||
| There's a museum right there, too. | ||
| San Jose Improv down the street from Joe's. | ||
| Joe's, yeah. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Original Joe's? | ||
| Original Joe's, yeah. | ||
| Original Joe's. | ||
| Yeah, that was good later tonight. | ||
| Oh, they have like a real wood grill for steaks there. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, they have like real wood coals. | ||
| They put lump charcoal underneath the stake. | ||
| It's a charcoal broiler. | ||
| A real broiler. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You can watch them. | ||
| If you get a seat by the bar... | ||
| We went there once with two fighters. | ||
| We've been there a bunch of times. | ||
| John Fitch and... | ||
| And Mike Swick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was when Mike Swick was telling us about how he used to work for the United States government. | ||
| He was working in Russia and their buildings were bugged. | ||
| The Russians bugged the buildings with incredibly sophisticated equipment. | ||
| And he was like, they were so far ahead of what we were capable of. | ||
| He said they had bugs that were operating on the power generated by the movement of the building in the breeze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They figured out a way to generate enough power to keep the microphones going and transmitting. | ||
| Transmitting! | ||
| Like, producing energy! | ||
| And they got it from the movement of the fucking swaying of the buildings. | ||
| He was like, they were so far ahead of us. | ||
| Why were they bugging his room? | ||
| They were bugging whatever building he was working at, government building he was working at. | ||
| What people don't realize is, the Soviet Union, like during the Cold War, like during the advancement of their rocket program along with our rocket program, they got the first fucking guy in orbit, man. | ||
| I mean, they were incredibly advanced. | ||
| And you think that's one of the reasons we made up the moon landing? | ||
| Well, I don't think we made up the moon landing. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| I've changed my position. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, this is what I think. | ||
| Give me my hours back! | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You owe us five years. | ||
| You have to figure it out. | ||
| You have to figure it out. | ||
| You can't figure it out initially. | ||
| If you watch that Fox show, watch the Fox show on the moon landings, it's very compelling. | ||
| It's very compelling. | ||
| It's a really interesting... | ||
| Say how it is real. | ||
| Saying it's not real. | ||
| But the odds of that being true, it's so small. | ||
| It's like, I don't know what happened, but if I had to guess what happened, I would say they went to the moon. | ||
| And I would say, when you look at some of the photos that look like they're staged, and the fact that all of them were centered, there very well could have been some counterfeit photos. | ||
| They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA. There was a photo from Gemini. | ||
| I believe it was Gemini 15. It was Michael Collins. | ||
| And they took a photo of him in training with these wires and this harness on. | ||
| And then they blacked out all the wires in the background and then used the same photo and said that he was in space. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That he was doing a spacewalk. | ||
| Like, who's taking his picture during the spacewalk? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| It wasn't a real photo. | ||
| There was nobody out there with a fucking camera walking with him. | ||
| We just started faking photos, so we didn't know that yet. | ||
| It was a fake photo. | ||
| They didn't think that people were going to think that many steps ahead. | ||
| So, I think it's very possible that they might have faked some things. | ||
| Like, some photographs might have been on a soundstage. | ||
| For publicity and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, for publicity and to make sure that they got a record of it. | ||
| John Kerry showed those pictures of Syria of all the dead bodies and it was from like five years ago. | ||
| Dude, my favorite quote though is Clinton's quote about it. | ||
| Clinton talked about when he was a kid, he was working for a carpenter and the guy said that he didn't believe anything on television, that those television fellers can put things on TV and make you think it's real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said, back then I thought that guy was a quack, or a crank, but during my eight years in the White House, I saw things that made me think that maybe he was ahead of his time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a Clinton quote on the moon landing. | ||
| Do you think they tell each president, like, here's what, let's catch you up on the stuff. | ||
| Yeah, moon landing is fake. | ||
| Or do you think they don't even tell them? | ||
| Why would they want to tell them? | ||
| Well, if it really was fake, which again, I don't necessarily think it was. | ||
| I think it's more likely that there's some fuckery involved in some of the evidence because they were trying to create things that were used for publicity. | ||
| There's some video that looks really fucking hokey. | ||
| There's this video of them jumping around like they're on trampolines when they're on the moon. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's really weird stuff because there's no consistency in the way they move. | ||
| If you watch the earliest video from Apollo 11, when they're walking on the moon, you watch their movement, and then watch the later stuff, it's like they move a little differently. | ||
| They can do weird shit. | ||
| They can jump and fly through the air later in the videos. | ||
| They got better at whatever they were doing. | ||
| How did you get better at walking in space? | ||
| Well, it's just weird. | ||
| So I think that it might... | ||
| Very well be that some of the footage that you look at, it's possible, and I'm not suggesting that we didn't go to the moon. | ||
| I know I have in the past, but what I'm suggesting is some of the footage might be fake. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| They used to do that kind of stuff back then. | ||
| I know we don't like to think that, but they did a lot of stuff like that. | ||
| They still do it now. | ||
| They still fake things now. | ||
| They had billboards of Martin Luther King with white women. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| With billboards in the South. | ||
| Of course they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just fake photos. | |
| Meanwhile, Martin Luther King fucked a lot of white women. | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How about he loved it? | ||
| Who wouldn't? | ||
| You're Martin Luther King. | ||
| Yeah, I bet he did. | ||
| He probably knew he was going to die. | ||
| Just get on a rampage. | ||
| Get that white pussy. | ||
| What's this black girl like 5 p.m. | ||
| or 2.30 a.m.? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| The color. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like 5 p.m. | ||
| This is a starter black. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| This is definitely she. | ||
| Okay, she wasn't. | ||
| I mean, for me to go in full bore, that's kind of crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She was not from this country. | ||
| She was from, like, uh, England or, like, the, or the, um, Jamaica-ish, yeah. | ||
| And, like, raised there, yeah. | ||
| Real white, real not hip-hoppy at all. | ||
| Hip-hoppy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a very starter, like, just get in there. | ||
| Was she half-black? | ||
| No, I mean, you know, they're all black. | ||
| What the fuck, Ari? | ||
| Don't say it like that, man! | ||
| Did the vagina seem any different to you? | ||
| Any colors? | ||
| Any shapes? | ||
| Surprisingly similar to white pussy. | ||
| It was pretty shocking, actually, how similarly shaped and feeling it was. | ||
| What's the saying? | ||
| They're human beings, Ari. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But then it got weird when she snored, and it was like, oh, so manly. | ||
| I had trouble after that. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| We're such a manly way to sleep. | ||
| Watching your dick go into that pink hole, though, with the contrast with the black is such a cool sight, though. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Like if you have a darker one, because they are just bright pink inside, like pink Starbursts. | ||
| If you have a darker one. | ||
| This is not what women want to hear. | ||
| It's a medium rare. | ||
| These are not the kind of things that women want to hear. | ||
| It's like a blackened steak with a medium rare inside. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| The inside, pink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So good for you. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Adding diversity to your sexual life. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Broadening my horizons. | ||
| I think a lot of people would salute you for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm also dating chicks a little bit too. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| Why is that weird? | ||
| It's hard, right? | ||
| Yeah, to go on like full dates and like, let's just try to explore you as a person instead of like... | ||
| Do you get bored? | ||
| Try to get laid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just seems like, fuck. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| The conversations you're having? | ||
| Yeah, in my head. | ||
| I'm like, come on, let's just go back and fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No, I don't say that out loud. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| But that's what you think. | ||
| You don't really want to talk to them. | ||
| You just want to fuck them. | ||
| Yeah, so I want to get to the point where I'm like, no, let's enjoy a new human and fucking enjoy them for a minute. | ||
| So you're trying to mature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, maybe. | |
| You're trying to find women that you actually like as people and not just as sexual people. | ||
| But if you get some just purely sexual partners, then you can do that. | ||
| Then you can afford to explore with a woman. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Once your needs are met, which are many, the biological needs. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing where you're supposed to not be able to say that. | ||
| But a woman is allowed to say that. | ||
| If a woman says that, you know, hey, I take these men and I let them know, look, I'm here to fuck. | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| I've got a career. | ||
| You can fuck me. | ||
| And then when you're done, you've got to go home. | ||
| The man's not going to argue with that. | ||
| The guy would be like, okay. | ||
| But if a guy says that, it's like, you fucking asshole. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Could you imagine if there was a hot woman who ran a business or something like that? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| She makes fucking sculpture. | ||
| She doesn't have any time, but she needs to get laid. | ||
| So she says, listen, Ari, here's the deal, okay? | ||
| I like you. | ||
| I think you're hot. | ||
| I want to fuck. | ||
| But I don't want you being my boyfriend. | ||
| I don't want you You can't sleep over, and don't ever fucking tell me what to do, okay? | ||
| But, if you want no strings attached, come over and fuck me, I'll suck your dick, and we'll have a good time, and then when we're done, you leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd be like, okay, I'll do it for you. | |
| Okay, you'd be like, yes! | ||
| I found her! | ||
| I knew she was out there! | ||
| I knew she was out there. | ||
| You know, I was having this discussion with one of my wife's friends who happens to be gay. | ||
| And they were talking about the difference between two gay guys hooking up, gay guys meeting and hooking up, and a guy and a girl meeting and hooking up. | ||
| A guy and a girl trying to figure out how much yen are we going to have in this, how much yen. | ||
| Yeah, they're all fighting for a position. | ||
| Who's going to be in control here? | ||
| Setting it up. | ||
| Is the girl going to tell you what to do and answer your phone for you? | ||
| Or is she going to leave you alone and let you be you? | ||
| Are you going to leave her alone? | ||
| Are you going to let her wear whatever she wants and not get fucking weird with her? | ||
| What's going to happen here? | ||
| Are you going to say, are you really going to go out with that skirt? | ||
| Are you really going to go out with that skirt? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Oh my god, it's down to my knees. | ||
| It's not to your fucking knees. | ||
| It's not to your knees. | ||
| It's not to your knees, okay? | ||
| I see your legs. | ||
| God, do you really need that much attention? | ||
| There's that dude, and then there's people that are like, oh, you look hot, baby. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
| Who are you going to be? | ||
| What's she going to be happiest with? | ||
| What are you going to be happiest with? | ||
| Yeah, it's also finding someone who, like, brings out the best in you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, sometimes you can have relationships that bring out the worst in you. | ||
| You, like, hate who you are. | ||
| I saw some people at the airport today fighting. | ||
| Oh, that's so gross. | ||
| Leaning forward. | ||
| It's so not necessary for any of us to do. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| Any of us that are involved in altercations, so much of it is both people's responsibility. | ||
| There's a dance going on when two people are communicating with each other, and a lot of times we're shitty dance partners. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I feel like telling people, like, look, it's nobody's fault, but you guys are never going to work because you just entered into this too much. | ||
| You're just too fighty. | ||
| It's also some people like it, man. | ||
| That's a source of drama in their life. | ||
| They don't even realize that it's completely subconscious, but they like to duke it out. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| I fucking hate it. | ||
| I don't like it with anybody. | ||
| I don't like it with friends. | ||
| I don't like it with girlfriends. | ||
| I don't like it with anyone in business. | ||
| I don't like it with other comics. | ||
| I don't like it, man. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| I would way rather be friendly with everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's way easier that way. | ||
| It is way easier. | ||
| It makes everybody feel nicer, but there's moments, man, where you'll run into people. | ||
| You're like, God damn it. | ||
| I gotta fucking defend my position here. | ||
| I gotta stay afloat here. | ||
| I gotta go, dude, shut the fuck up and leave me alone. | ||
| There's a moment where you have to say something or be assertive with someone. | ||
| Just get them to fucking leave you alone. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| There's people that just don't get it. | ||
| They would just fuck with you until the end of time. | ||
| They're just so goofy and clunky. | ||
| They just don't get it. | ||
| I had an argument once at a party. | ||
| This guy was trying to tell me that the UN rapes children in Africa. | ||
| Rapes them? | ||
| Yeah, he was telling me that they rapes them for apples. | ||
| That's what he was saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| It was the dumbest conversation. | ||
| Wait, he rapes them, so other people give them apples for a job well done? | ||
| They're giving them apples to fuck them, he was saying. | ||
| It was like they raped them for apples, he was saying it was rape. | ||
| The guy was just such a douchebag. | ||
| He was a country music guy who wound up getting arrested for cocaine dealing. | ||
| He's like a singer in this really terrible country music band that my friend knew. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like this super pro-rah-rah American guy, but in the most idiotic way possible. | ||
| And, you know, they were talking about, you know, like the United States, what they're doing over in Afghanistan and this and that. | ||
| And he was just going on about the U.N. raping people for apples. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Like, how can you... | ||
| First of all, if you give someone an apple, it's prostitution. | ||
| It's not rape. | ||
| If you give them an apple and you fuck... | ||
| Yeah, it's unfortunate, but it's... | ||
| It's not best prices in the world. | ||
| Rape you with an apple. | ||
| Unless you're fucking someone with an apple, you're not really raping them for apples. | ||
| Unless it's a MacBook Pro, that's a pretty good deal. | ||
| Yeah, if you can get a MacBook Pro, all you have to do is just fuck one guy. | ||
| That seems like a really good book. | ||
| One techie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, whatever it was, it wasn't just that. | ||
| It was just the way this guy was just so aggressive with me. | ||
| It was just like, to such a point, and he put his hands on me, like on my shoulder, and said, oh, it's okay. | ||
| Like, looking me in the eye, saying, it's okay. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| You just hate America. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Oh, so dismissive. | ||
| When people get dismissive, it's like, fuck you. | ||
| Putting his hands on me, I was like, dude, get your fucking hands off me. | ||
| And that's when it turned ugly. | ||
| I was like, you gotta get your fucking hands off me. | ||
| Don't touch me, dude. | ||
| Don't touch me and talk crazy. | ||
| So you hate America. | ||
| Well, because I questioned it? | ||
| Escalated it. | ||
| He had escalated it to not just that I hate America, but that he was going to do some weird alpha shit to me and hold on to me. | ||
| It was really gross. | ||
| That does push it up a level when somebody touches you or pats you on the head. | ||
| It was a long time ago, by the way. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| Who knows if I would have ever even entered into that conversation. | ||
| Today, I don't think I would. | ||
| I think today I'm much more skillfully out of evading nonsense. | ||
| I would have known what it was. | ||
| Possible upside? | ||
| None. | ||
| None. | ||
| I would have known. | ||
| But back then, I would be like, fuck this guy. | ||
| He fucking touched me. | ||
| You know, it was like, I was ready to kill him. | ||
| It was just, it was the most ridiculous guy ever. | ||
| Like those people in your show. | ||
| You'll run into them, man. | ||
| Oh, some of the sci-fi people. | ||
| No, the people yelling, shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's like, it's on now. | ||
| It's like, you didn't have to say that. | ||
| Oh, the people at the comedy show, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, the only way to know that you shouldn't go too far is to see the results of going too far, either by yourself or other people. | ||
| I told Fitzsimmons that when he gets into those articles, I'm like, Greg, you could have just walked away. | ||
| Oh, Greg's ready to fight everybody. | ||
| He's ready to fist fight people. | ||
| He's very competitive, too. | ||
| When I did Doug Loves Movies in San Diego, it was me and Greg Fitzsimmons, and he took it as a game, and he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough. | ||
| He could tell immediately, like, no, man, we're in a game right now. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, he plays good pool. | ||
| They kicked me out of my apartment because I let him stay in my apartment while I was in Australia. | ||
| And they're like, no, no sublets. | ||
| I'm like, it's not a sublet. | ||
| It's just a friend of mine. | ||
| He needs a place to stay, so I'm just letting him stay there. | ||
| They're like, no, it's not allowed. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to keep doing that because it's my friend. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| And she left me a note trying to get out. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How can they do that? | ||
| It wasn't an official eviction. | ||
| It was just like, we suggest you leave. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I don't know. | ||
| I think she had a really good heart on for people subletting or something. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| People are weird with their confrontations. | ||
| I mean, some of them are necessary, but there's guys like Eddie Ift, who's a perfect example. | ||
| That motherfucker, every time you talk to him, he's got some new story about almost getting fucked. | ||
| So we're out in the parking lot, and I'm like, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you. | ||
| You guys want to go? | ||
| Let's go right now. | ||
| And I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Why did it get to there? | ||
| You're fighting in a parking lot in the middle of the night, and everyone's drunk. | ||
| He hangs out with people that all are like that also. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| There's also this Chris Wilde guy, I don't know if you know him or not, who's fighting with Tony Hinchcliffe right now on his show. | ||
| They're battling out. | ||
| On what show? | ||
| What do you mean by battling? | ||
| Eddie has a show, Talking Shit or whatever it's called now, and there's a guy that's always on the show called Eddie Ift. | ||
| No, Eddie Ift is our friend. | ||
| I mean, not Eddie Ift, but Chris Wilde. | ||
| Tony was on the show also with this guy. | ||
| Didn't know him, just thought he was a friend of his. | ||
| I guess what happened is like the wild guy was like kind of mad that Tony didn't know who he was or kind of like upset or something and then they kind of went back and forth on the show But now, I guess he's just, Chris Wilde won't let it drop and has been tweeting things to Tony and stuff. | ||
| I don't know if you know Chris Wilde or not. | ||
| No, I don't know him, but who cares? | ||
| He used to have a TV show. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| I can't really comment. | ||
| I don't know what the specifics of it were, but I'm on Team Tony Hinchcliffe always. | ||
| All day. | ||
| All day, son. | ||
| Who's that chick over there? | ||
| That's Rosa Parks, son. | ||
| That's Rosa Parks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that's a yarmulke. | ||
| She's so light-skinned. | ||
| She's more light-skinned than Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| It's like as light as you fucked? | ||
| It's hard to tell in that photo. | ||
| No, I went a little darker than that. | ||
| Black and white photo. | ||
| So is the Hendrix photo. | ||
| It's a black and white photo. | ||
| That's Toronto. | ||
| He got busted for heroin, son. | ||
| Had heroin. | ||
| I went to visit his childhood home in Vancouver. | ||
| They have a small shrine to him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Jeff Ross and Big Jay Oakerson went there one year. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| Dude died at 27, 28 years old. | ||
| Was he 27 or 28? | ||
| 27. 27 years old and he's got a shrine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's your shrine, bitch? | ||
| I don't have a shrine. | ||
| How come you ain't got no shrine in D.C.? It's a good question. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| That should be your goal. | ||
| A lot of people want HBO specials. | ||
| You should have a fucking shrine. | ||
| I want a shrine. | ||
| An Ari Shafir shrine. | ||
| Ari the Great was born here. | ||
| Shrine. | ||
| Ari the Great escaped from the mediocrity of his mother's pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Just make my own shrine. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| You can write it. | ||
| Like, if you ever read someone's bio on their website, you know they wrote it themselves and it makes you want to fucking throw up. | ||
| My friend Avi Lerner lives in a part of, like, near Washington, D.C. where people have historic houses things, and he just made one up. | ||
| Made up a historic house? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was, like, a stop on the Underground Railroad or, like, something like that. | ||
| He just made it up. | ||
| Did he apply for it? | ||
| Like, it made it a real, uh... | ||
| I don't know exactly how he did it. | ||
| If he, like, went to the city, I'm like, this happened here, so if we could get a plaque. | ||
| Or if he just bought a plaque. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Probably mostly bought a prac, right? | ||
| It would be really hard to, like, pass that through them. | ||
| Get the city to tell them, like... | ||
| Yeah, they'd be like, wait a minute. | ||
| Unless you were, like, super convincing. | ||
| Yeah, it was like some writer stayed here when he was visiting. | ||
| Well, there's probably a bunch of places that do kind of qualify for that. | ||
| For instance, Stephen King has a house in Maine, in Bangor, Maine. | ||
| And that house should be a historical house. | ||
| Is there someone writing there and setting it there? | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| That was his house for so long. | ||
| And he's got these wrought iron gates that have these bats on them and shit. | ||
| It's a really dope-ass house. | ||
| And it's in the middle of this town of Bangor, Maine. | ||
| And everybody knew about it. | ||
| And he's such a legendary writer that that house to me is like, that's like an iconic house. | ||
| So you'd put like a historic preservation on it. | ||
| Yeah, make it a fucking museum for Stephen King fans to come in and see this is the desk that he actually wrote some of his novels at. | ||
| I love those little museums across the country. | ||
| That would be dope, dude. | ||
| I'll tell you, man, if they did that, they would pay for that house a dozen times over. | ||
| Just let people go and see. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I would pay. | ||
| If I was in Boston and I knew I could fly up and just check out the desk where Stephen King wrote The Shining, oh fuck yeah, I would look at that thing. | ||
| I just want to be in the room. | ||
| This is where he wrote Cujo and he didn't remember it. | ||
| Soak it in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean he didn't remember it? | ||
| He did so much coke and drank so much booze. | ||
| He didn't even remember writing it. | ||
| Stephen King did coke? | ||
| Oh my god, did he do coke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Stephen King was a maniac. | ||
| Wow, he just jumped up so many cool points. | ||
| Stephen King would smoke cigarettes, do massive amounts of coke, and drink beer. | ||
| And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night, and just write until he blacked out, and then fall asleep, and then get up in the morning and coke it up, and just do it again. | ||
| Yeah, he was a maniac. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He wrote Cujo, a frothing at the mouth dog. | ||
| Doesn't remember any of it. | ||
| Oh, it was all him. | ||
| He was Cujo. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there were some analogies in there somewhere between a lot of his demons and the actual demons he was experiencing by being an addict. | ||
| But he was getting addicted to cocaine. | ||
| I heard his on writing or whatever the book is. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I heard it's amazing. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah, I've got two copies of it in case I lose one. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's really good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| He's a master to me, you know, and a master of a specific type of... | ||
| Oh, that genre was him. | ||
| Well, it's a specific type of entertainment that I really enjoy, like complete fantasy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vampires and demons and spaceships with aliens, and I love that shit. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love the short stories. | ||
| Yeah, dude, I love all that stuff. | ||
| I'm a huge, huge Stephen King fan. | ||
| To me, he's like, he made the world a cooler place. | ||
| He made... | ||
| He made the world a place with the movie Carrie, you know, with the book Carrie, with Christine, that movie about the haunted car. | ||
| That was a fucking great movie, man. | ||
| He wrote that book, too, which is even better than the movie. | ||
| Yeah, Christine was. | ||
| A lot of them were. | ||
| The books are too long. | ||
| There's too much detail. | ||
| You would like to have seen it all in the movie, but it's impossible. | ||
| The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. | ||
| They got a lot of shitty actors in a lot of those movies, though, like Salem's Lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They got a lot of, like, let's just do this for 40 grand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, well, I think Salem's Lot was for television. | ||
| I think that wasn't made for television. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| That was a bad one. | ||
| Was it Salem's Lot made for television? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| Then there was the Silver Bullet movie, the Silly Werewolf movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| With Corey Haim, remember? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aw. | |
| But then he also wrote fucking Stand By Me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is so out of his genre. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, he could write anything, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could write anything. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| And then he followed those, not minor league, Cub Scout baseball players, what are they called? | ||
| Little Leagues. | ||
| He followed one and started writing articles with them and they went all the way to the Little League World Series. | ||
| Really? | ||
| While he was following them, writing about them. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know about this. | ||
| From, like, Bangor. | ||
| Like, the Bangor main team went to, like, the Nationals or something. | ||
| Oh, and he was, like, writing in their local paper about them? | ||
| Yeah, just following them along that season. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it must be awesome for those guys. | ||
| Well, he can do whatever he wants, you know? | ||
| He can do whatever he wants, man. | ||
| He doesn't have to apologize to say anything to anybody. | ||
| Yeah, he's an interesting cat, Stephen King, for sure. | ||
| And he's really giving in the way he communicates his ideas. | ||
| You should have him on your podcast. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| He's interesting in the way he communicates how he goes through his process. | ||
| He's super honest about it. | ||
| And he's one of the rare guys that doesn't have a set up Like, story in his head. | ||
| He, like, has these characters, and he has this idea that he starts with, and then he just goes. | ||
| He just starts writing. | ||
| He just starts writing, almost like goes into this crazy trance and constructs this world, and then you get sucked into it, and then you read it after he's done with it, and you're like, holy shit. | ||
| You know, he just brings it out of nowhere. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Like we had Scott Sigler on the podcast, who's a really cool guy and a very, very good writer as well. | ||
| But he has a totally different approach. | ||
| Scott Sigler's approach is he knows exactly where he's going. | ||
| He knows where it's going to end. | ||
| He knows where this is going to happen and get changed up. | ||
| He knows where this... | ||
| And then he has to just sort of fill it in and figure it out. | ||
| With details. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, make it to his liking. | ||
| But he's very systematic about it. | ||
| And we were talking about Stephen King's approach that he just lets it go. | ||
| You know, I just don't do it that way. | ||
| I couldn't do it that way. | ||
| But for him, obviously, it worked. | ||
| But Sigler's a great writer, too. | ||
| I mean, his way works, too. | ||
| There's no right or wrong way to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you write like that? | ||
| Do you, like, say, I want to write a joke about driving a car? | ||
| No, I'll toss things over my head, I'll write a note in my notebook, and then when I look to see what jokes I should do on stage tonight or whatever, I'll keep passing that note and I'll keep thinking about it. | ||
| And then when I'm driving or when I'm on the subway, I'll keep thinking over it and then I'll just do it on stage. | ||
| So you don't actually sit in front of the computer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| How come you don't? | ||
| Do you try that? | ||
| I've tried it, I've done it before, but it's never really stuck. | ||
| I just kind of think things out in my head. | ||
| I just let my mind wander. | ||
| I think you should write blogs. | ||
| I think you would have some fucking hilarious blogs, dude. | ||
| And it gives you... | ||
| The thing about writing blogs is it gives you an opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about a subject. | ||
| Because in the time that it takes you to write it and type it out... | ||
| You have to think a lot more. | ||
| You're thinking a lot more. | ||
| And you're thinking a lot more in the containment of a particular subject. | ||
| It's forcing you to actually do the thinking. | ||
| Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's forcing you to focus on one particular subject, too. | ||
| And sometimes just that extra focus is all you need to get that extra path that you take off that bit. | ||
| Like, you know how sometimes you find a bit, like, I don't know if it's this way for you, but for me it is at least. | ||
| I'll have an initial direction, and then along the way I realize that's not the right direction. | ||
| The right direction is one of the other taglines, and then I'll go towards that. | ||
| And then the original bit just dies. | ||
| Yeah, totally turns it on its head. | ||
| Yeah, totally turns it on its head. | ||
| I find that those take place more when I sit down and write things. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, because I give myself more paths. | ||
| Like, say if you're talking about lava lamps, whatever, and you're going on a lava lamp path. | ||
| While you're on that path and you're writing it out, instead of just thinking about it in your head, when you're forced to actually mash those keys and form a sentence in the correct way, like you're gonna read it to somebody. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, that Shrivner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty dope. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's a writing software program. | ||
| You can't see it. | ||
| It's a cork board with index cards on it, but a virtual cork board. | ||
| And you can put your notes on those virtual cork boards. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Evernote sucks. | ||
| Well, I like Evernote because it lets me sync up to it. | ||
| They don't lose stuff for me. | ||
| They lose stuff. | ||
| They lose stuff. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I looked and it's been written about. | ||
| They lose stuff for you, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's been written about online? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, that's not good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, I think more people would benefit from blogs. | ||
| That's why I've written some of my best stuff. | ||
| So I'm going to start going back into blogs. | ||
| I'm going to commit to one blog a week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| You won't mind doing material out of your blogs? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea. | ||
| It's an idea in the blog and then it becomes a bit. | ||
| A full thing. | ||
| Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs. | ||
| You know, it's like, I think people like to read things, and I think that some of them are never going to go to see my stand-up. | ||
| Super fans will get to see the germinations of these ideas. | ||
| And if you don't like it, that's okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I mean, I've heard people complain about subjects that we talk about on the podcast. | ||
| But it's like, that's what's on your mind. | ||
| The problem is, that's what's on your mind. | ||
| So I'm going to do it on stage, what's on my mind. | ||
| It's also the problem that some people are just annoying cunts that like to complain about shit and they get to talk too. | ||
| Everybody gets to talk. | ||
| It's one of the beautiful things about the internet and one of the annoying things about the internet is that even people that are not thoughtful, that are all fucked up and really hypercritical and annoying and not rational about it, they get to talk too. | ||
| There's a guy who was a video game guy that just quit social media. | ||
| Cliffy B? Quit his Twitter. | ||
| No, it wasn't Cliffy B. It was another guy. | ||
| He's famous for making YouTube videos. | ||
| There was this thing that they were going over his career and his constant battling with people on these social network sites. | ||
| And when people would say mean things about him, he couldn't help it. | ||
| He had to respond. | ||
| He would get involved in these crazy fights. | ||
| And then he started having his employees handle his trigger for him, and that relieved him of a little bit of his anxiety. | ||
| Then he got to a point where he's like, I can't fucking do it anymore. | ||
| I'm going crazy. | ||
| I have real health problems, the stress of this. | ||
| When you start looking for that shit and reading that shit and getting into that shit, it can fuck with your head, man. | ||
| If you do something that people don't like and they all start attacking you for it, attacking you as a human being and trying to hurt your feelings, there's not just one, there's like 20 of them in a day. | ||
| What was that about, though? | ||
| What is what about? | ||
| Those people doing that? | ||
| No, why'd you say that? | ||
| Because this guy did that. | ||
| He quit. | ||
| He quit all his social media. | ||
| To get away from it. | ||
| Yeah, he just couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| He makes his living off his YouTube channel. | ||
| This huge YouTube channel. | ||
| Millions and millions of subscribers. | ||
| And he's got a huge Twitter following. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of Twitter people. | ||
| Deleted it all. | ||
| Yeah, because he just couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| Good for him, it's his life. | ||
| I know, it is his life. | ||
| But it's interesting, like that battle, you know, with the criticism and negative people online. | ||
| I released that, I was worried, but I released my album online with commentary. | ||
| I put it on my podcast. | ||
| Why were you worried? | ||
| Well, because I was worried that someone would say, the only worry, it was like someone was going to say like, oh, this is just lazy because you didn't want to do another podcast episode this week. | ||
| And that first comment was, Lazy. | ||
| And I'm like, motherfucker. | ||
| But that was the only one. | ||
| But it was like the first one. | ||
| I was like, goddammit. | ||
| You can't listen to those people. | ||
| Those people are shitheads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you can't tell me that I'm supposed to be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It bothers me, though. | |
| If somebody tells me, like, oh, I saw this joke last time or whatever, it's like, it just bothers me. | ||
| Well, you need to let them know, look, I'm working on jokes, and the only way to work on jokes is you've got to do them more than once. | ||
| A bit is never finished unless it's done 20, 30, 50, depending on the bit. | ||
| I mean, it's got to be done a lot of times. | ||
| You have to do it on stage and perform it and tweak it and move it around. | ||
| And if you think that, like... | ||
| You go to see me in this town, then you go to see me in another town, and it's going to be a totally different act a month later. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I need to work on that stuff. | ||
| A lot of my stuff that I've released in the past, I wish I'd worked on it more. | ||
| I wish I'd spent more time going over it. | ||
| Yeah, but that requires new people to come, I guess. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, it also requires you have to do it on stage. | ||
| I had Everlast on the podcast yesterday. | ||
| We were talking about the difference between writing a song and writing a joke. | ||
| I've never made a joke without the help of other people. | ||
| Because every joke I make, it has to be done in front of an audience, and they let me know what's working. | ||
| It's a combined effort. | ||
| It just is. | ||
| I'll write some good ideas that'll work the first time I get on stage, But they get better when you do them in front of an audience and you figure them out. | ||
| And you've got to take chances. | ||
| You've got to do them this way and you've got to move the punchlines. | ||
| Intel's really good at that. | ||
| Changing an order. | ||
| Let me examine each of these a bunch of different ways. | ||
| You never know, man. | ||
| Sometimes you nail one and it's just the perfect way to say it and you can't believe you used to say it another way before. | ||
| Yeah, Paul's right. | ||
| And some suck, man. | ||
| You know, Chris Rock famously talks about one of his greatest bits of all time. | ||
| You know that bit that I love black people and I hate niggers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that bit? | ||
| That's one of the all-time classic. | ||
| He certainly did. | ||
| But it's one of the all-time classic comedy bits. | ||
| It's just a brilliant bit. | ||
| Well, he said that that bit bombed. | ||
| Louis C.K. told me this. | ||
| He said that the bit bombed for like a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Couldn't get it to work right. | ||
| And then finally, he figured out how to get it right. | ||
| He just figured out how to do it right, but he believed in it. | ||
| He believed in the premise, so he chased the premise down until he got to a point where it was just a weapon. | ||
| And then by the time it was on his special, it's just flawless, that bit. | ||
| That bit's so classic. | ||
| It's a legendary bit. | ||
| Legendary bit. | ||
| But that's a perfect example. | ||
| It's a legacy bit. | ||
| You can't do that if you want to hear the same jokes every week. | ||
| Rather, you want to hear new jokes every show. | ||
| Because you're never going to get to that level. | ||
| Dude, it was really great going in New York. | ||
| We're going to do four, five, six spots a night. | ||
| And if you work on one bit and you do one, you get that feeling of like, oh, I was a little dead in the middle there. | ||
| It wasn't enough laughs. | ||
| But then usually I wait 24 hours before attacking it again. | ||
| I sort of forget. | ||
| This time, it's 40 minutes later. | ||
| I'm doing it again. | ||
| I'm like, oh, it's still weak in the middle there. | ||
| there so then on the subway i'm like i gotta write something and then you don't still week in the middle the next thing you do and then you're like well that was okay maybe that'll work you try something else and by the end of the night You're like, I've fixed this up a little bit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It was almost like a dilapidated house. | ||
| You're like, I've done some work on it now. | ||
| Sometimes when I'm in a bit that's not really working, I try to think of myself, like when I'm writing especially, I try to think of myself as instead of making a bit, instead of trying to turn it and figure out a way to make a bit, just figure out a way to just express what's going on and what you're talking about. | ||
| What is actually going on? | ||
| Add a bunch of shit to it that's not necessarily in the writing aspect of it. | ||
| Like, write a bunch of shit out. | ||
| Talk about the whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Read... | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| Whatever the subject is. | ||
| Describe the building or whatever. | ||
| Describe what, you know, emotions you were having. | ||
| Describe how embarrassed you felt. | ||
| Describe why you were embarrassed. | ||
| Add a bunch of shit you know you're never gonna say on stage. | ||
| A bunch of shit. | ||
| Go way too far. | ||
| And then look at it and just start cherry picking. | ||
| And then go, oh, this makes sense. | ||
| If I could cut that out and go right to this. | ||
| And sometimes you just give yourself more. | ||
| Yeah, by going too far. | ||
| My acting teacher would tell us that. | ||
| If people weren't going even close to far enough, they'd be like, why did you cheat on me? | ||
| He was like, you're not going far enough. | ||
| I'm pretty upset. | ||
| It doesn't look like that. | ||
| And he would always go, just do it ten times too much. | ||
| Just for argument's sake. | ||
| Let me just see that. | ||
| And people would do it. | ||
| He goes, okay, pull that back. | ||
| Like, 3%. | ||
| Like, you're just barely over the line. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, that's where you should be. | ||
| You gotta take chances, and people don't want to take chances, and that's one of the things that is the hallmark of bad acting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's people that don't really want to dive into and become someone else. | ||
| They're still clinging on to who they are. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're not even going in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They don't even know how to be. | ||
| I noticed Freddie would do that. | ||
| When he would, like, really do his dad getting exasperated, he would lift his hand all the way up over his head, like, why are you doing this? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like that, and you see, like, new open micers Trying something similar, and their hand would come up to their side. | ||
| They'd be like, why are you doing that? | ||
| They just didn't have the guts to stick with it to just go for it. | ||
| There's a commitment. | ||
| Because it's so foolish if you fail like that. | ||
| It's way more foolish. | ||
| We've all done that. | ||
| We've over-committed to bits and tried to pump them up and they're just dog shit. | ||
| You know that feeling, Brian? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about when you're in the middle of a bit and you're really working it and you're like, oh my god, I can't even get out of this bit. | ||
| Yeah, it's usually the dolphin one when people start talking like women get disgusted about it or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not the dolphin one, I'm sorry, the stripper one. | ||
| Oh, that's even more, yeah. | ||
| Well, what are they going to do? | ||
| It's not for everybody. | ||
| Some people like bluegrass. | ||
| It sucks because that story is like 10 minutes long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you start when you realize the whole crowd is not that into it, you're like, oh, I really should have stopped. | ||
| Well, I found a way out of it, though, lately. | ||
| Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of, like, not doing well with a bit, too, is that it shows other paths. | ||
| Yeah, well, also, I like doing it for crowds. | ||
| I like doing bits for crowds, a mix between either putting on the best show or doing bits that I think this crowd won't like to see if I can make it work here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| If it's a real dark joke and there's a real conservative crowd, I could do my more conservative jokes, but I'd sort of rather work on this in front of these people, work on this really harsh thing in front of these people. | ||
| That's why I like going to Australia and Switzerland and Amsterdam doing shows in other countries. | ||
| I want to know what parts of these really work in different environments. | ||
| And Comedy on State has a Thursday night college night, so it's all college students. | ||
| You know, 250 of them. | ||
| So it's like, yeah, let me see how they relate to this. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| College kids are a different thing, man. | ||
| Because when you do, like, colleges, one of the things that you realize, like, almost immediately, is how little experience a lot of them have in life. | ||
| Like, a lot of them are coming from their parents' houses, from protected environments of their home, to a dorm, with a bunch of savage, hormonally-charged teenagers. | ||
| Sticking things inside their bodies all day, whether it's needles or dicks or just fucking and doing drugs and getting crazy. | ||
| I mean, people are getting crazy. | ||
| Remember how much fucking you did when you were in college? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Oh no, I barely won. | ||
| You didn't do any fucking? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You were a virgin religiously, for religious purposes. | ||
| Yeah, but then I dropped the religion. | ||
| I still was just waiting for the right girl. | ||
| The right girl to love. | ||
| Kate Hicks. | ||
| I saw that you added that to your phone, your email list. | ||
| I had to tell everybody my new email address. | ||
| I said, if I haven't talked to you in a long time, we're enemies. | ||
| Don't take this as a sign. | ||
| You should get in touch with me again. | ||
| Unless you're K-X. Unless you're K-X, yeah. | ||
| Do you know where she is now? | ||
| In Baltimore somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's doomed. | ||
| Are you friends with Facebook? | ||
| No, she won't be friends with me on any of those things. | ||
| She's doomed. | ||
| She's doomed. | ||
| She can't get the Ari's dick anymore. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's doomed. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| She's terrified. | ||
| Is she the one that got her way? | ||
| Crying in Baltimore. | ||
| There's like five that got her way. | ||
| Thinking about the Ari dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I got away. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| You're the one that always got away? | ||
| Well, I mean, I definitely got dumped. | ||
| I've definitely been dumped. | ||
| But when I got dumped, I got away. | ||
| You're the one who got away. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, I got away. | ||
| Oh, wow, thank God. | ||
| But I was a maniac, too. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| They got away as well. | ||
| It's not like either one of us wasn't goofy. | ||
| I love when you can both look back and be like, whoa, you both got out of that. | ||
| Yeah, what were we doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You've got to be careful, though. | ||
| I'm so wrong for you. | ||
| You're so wrong for me. | ||
| You'll get into that situation where you think, you know, like, wow, maybe we were meant together. | ||
| Like, now we've gone through all our bullshit, and I tried to do that once. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, right, because you're just comfortable. | ||
| A girlfriend, when I was a teenager, we met when I was 25, and we went on a date in New York and had a good time and went back and got a little of that in there. | ||
| And I was like, wow, maybe she's the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Maybe she's the one, yeah. | ||
| I did that so much. | ||
| Two days, it was a wreck. | ||
| Maybe she's the one. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| When you're young and single and you try to hang out for a weekend with someone that you barely know, and a day in where you're like, will you shut the fuck up? | ||
| What kind of craziness are you talking? | ||
| And you realize what kind of nonsense people talk amongst their friends and you're stuck in the middle of it. | ||
| People are just squawking at you. | ||
| Ari, have you met anyone off of Tinder yet? | ||
| One girl in Melbourne I hooked up with. | ||
| You're not supposed to tell that fucking kiss and tell, cocksucker. | ||
| Is Melbourne going to know? | ||
| There's not that many people. | ||
| They know who fucked Ari in Melbourne. | ||
| No, it's weird. | ||
| You know why I like telling you more than anything? | ||
| Because I went on one date in New York, and we made out, and that was it. | ||
| And then another date, we didn't do anything. | ||
| But it's nice to be able to reject girls that are kind of out of your league. | ||
| Just to be like, nah, you're just an eight. | ||
| No thanks. | ||
| When you're saying yes or no to all these girls, and they're putting their best pictures up, you feel like your line has gone up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because you're like, why would I take this seven and a half when I just took two nines? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And you don't have to get to match with any of them. | ||
| What are we doing to humans? | ||
| Are we devaluing them? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are we breaking them down to numbers on an iPhone app? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or I don't know if it's setting us free from the societal norms that aren't really us. | ||
| Definitely setting a lot of people free from the difficulty in getting laid. | ||
| I saw two hippos fucking in the zoo. | ||
| Me and Simone and Pete Seewen. | ||
| That has nothing to do with Tinder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We did not meet on Tinder. | ||
| It was the base level of it. | ||
| It's like that old joke you had with the lions. | ||
| Tiger. | ||
| No like, oh, I wonder if my pilot is going. | ||
| None of that. | ||
| Just fucking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what Tinder is. | ||
| That's the base. | ||
| You like me. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| We like each other's looks. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Well, I think one of the things that's kept people from being more sexually liberated is that people cling when there's a shortage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when it's difficult to get sex, People cling to each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's difficult to find partners, difficult to find lovers and, you know, people that you enjoy being with. | ||
| It's hard to meet people. | ||
| When you find people, they get together and they get married real early. | ||
| But when people get older, instead of playing musical chairs, just grabbing onto the first chair and hanging on, and you get something like a Tinder or one of those little dating websites. | ||
| The books, yeah. | ||
| You can just meet a bunch of new people and then find who you actually like, and then you realize they're just meeting a bunch of people too, and everybody's just meeting, and it's easy to meet people. | ||
| We're all here to meet. | ||
| It's like first day at dining hall of the fucking college. | ||
| Everyone's, hi, how are you? | ||
| Yeah, and if it becomes not hard to get a date, that eliminates a lot of the stress. | ||
| Bobby Lee said it changed his life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He said, because the thing he was worried about most was rejection, unnatural fear of it. | ||
| But this takes that out. | ||
| They've already said, yeah, I'm interested. | ||
| Wow, that's interesting. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| That's a great application. | ||
| I just met this girl on Tinder, and she's like, I told her my name eventually. | ||
| I was like, well, online, it's Brian Redban. | ||
| And she goes, that's weird, my last name is Ban. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| And then she had come to the comedy store with Bobby Lee. | ||
| Bobby Lee met his girl on Tinder. | ||
| Brought this girl with her. | ||
| And I was like, wait, I remember. | ||
| I was like staring you down the whole time. | ||
| And then I found a picture on Comedy Store's website. | ||
| Of her? | ||
| Of the whole patio that night. | ||
| Like they took a picture of the patio. | ||
| With you and her? | ||
| And I'm staring right at her and she's staring right at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a marriage made in heaven. | |
| I'm a psychic. | ||
| I can tell it's in the stars. | ||
| It'll definitely work now. | ||
| Read your tea leaves. | ||
| Her last name's banned though. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Did you do it with her? | ||
| No, I haven't even met her yet. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Ari, come on, man. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's hard for me to meet people off Tinder because it's like... | ||
| It's just a very weird situation. | ||
| Even once you said the first move, it's like, hi, so we might want to touch each other. | ||
| Yeah, it gets tricky. | ||
| It gets real tricky. | ||
| You gotta think about what you're doing. | ||
| It gets real tricky when you show up and you're like, there were about 30 pounds that weren't represented in those photos. | ||
| What do you do then? | ||
| You just enjoy the day and then at some point you're like, you know what, I don't get shit anymore. | ||
| You're looking sexy. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Ari Shaffir. | ||
| That's why you gotta do some research before you go. | ||
| You take a screenshot of it, cut out the picture, upload it to Google, image search, and I'll show you her Facebook page. | ||
| Oh my god, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too crafty. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Too crafty. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I just found out this girl that I met, she has a podcast on a other podcast network. | ||
| I don't know if I should tell her or not, because we've been talking back and forth. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Is something wrong with her having a podcast? | ||
| Yeah, I just don't like the network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what? | |
| So what? | ||
| Slumber party with Allie and Georgia. | ||
| Let all that shit go. | ||
| Don't tell people online who it is, you fucking knucklehead. | ||
| You wanna ruin your life already? | ||
| It's either Allie or Georgia. | ||
| So you gotta learn how to keep secrets, you fuck. | ||
| I'm not gonna probably never meet this girl. | ||
| Oh, but you might. | ||
| You might. | ||
| You might become besties. | ||
| You might become besties. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You know, I really resent that idea that other podcasters have to be against each other. | ||
| Oh, well, all the same team. | ||
| It's just against them. | ||
| Not even talking about your situation, but when the Stitcher Awards came out, we won Best Overall Podcast. | ||
| Congratulations! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you very much. | |
| But what I was shocked by was one of the other fucking podcasts, I've never even heard of them. | ||
| They might be the nicest guys ever. | ||
| But their sound guy or something instigated some fucking hate campaign against us. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, to tweet me and say a bunch of mean shit to me. | ||
| It was like a swarm of it. | ||
| And I was like, wow, this is hilarious. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| You can light whatever podcast you want. | ||
| You don't have to be mean to the people that other people like. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Your podcast can't be that good if that's the way you think. | ||
| If you really think that way, your podcast has got to be filled with some nonsense. | ||
| Like when David Cross hated Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross's stand-up was garbage? | ||
| Yeah, that didn't work out so well. | ||
| That was a ridiculous thing. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| You know what he's doing. | ||
| He's doing a character. | ||
| The idea that this character is like... | ||
| It's for yokels. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| It's ruining the fabric of society because it's racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| That fabric was already done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Racist? | |
| Yeah, that was the argument that Larry the Cable Guy is racist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that was a big part of it. | ||
| This xenophobic fear of foreigners, you know, towelhead talk, that kind of shit. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| There's all this shit to be worried about in this world, you know? | ||
| That weird thing where people get mad at other people for being successful, or get mad at other people for winning an award, or get mad at other people for producing something when you haven't produced something. | ||
| Yeah, I said, if you want to piss a comic off oddly, tell him he's your second favorite comic. | ||
| People will get angry. | ||
| I'm like, it's still really good. | ||
| Of all the comedians, you're number two. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Who would you like better? | ||
| Yeah, that's so true. | ||
| Well, we're all fucked up in some way, or at least we come into it fucked up, and hopefully we balance out somewhere along the trip. | ||
| If you want to piss off a girl, here's what you do. | ||
| You call her and say, close your eyes and come outside right now, and then watch how disappointed they'll get. | ||
| Because women think they just deserve free things, and they'll just assume you got them a present. | ||
| That's not nice. | ||
| Sorry, Sophia. | ||
| These are terrible ideas. | ||
| You've got to vet these out with me. | ||
| Call me up next time you think about doing something like that. | ||
| I'll go, what are you going to do? | ||
| What's the benefit of that? | ||
| Are you just going to laugh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| You get nothing. | ||
| You get nothing but dick. | ||
| You want some dick? | ||
| You don't? | ||
| Tough. | ||
| Somebody else does. | ||
| Look at Tinder. | ||
| Look at my phone. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm free. | ||
| I'm free, dude. | ||
| Tinder's weird. | ||
| Every high schooler has one. | ||
| So free. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Every high schooler has one. | ||
| A Tinder? | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| Every college person has one. | ||
| They're on a goddamn rampage. | ||
| Kids today are fucking with an ease and a pace that we've never experienced before. | ||
| That's why it's good that they have that HPV vaccination. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| They can shoot that in them and then they can shoot loads at each other and not worry about that. | ||
| Anyone under 26, right? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Anybody young that's going to have sex should get that vaccine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That shit's bad, that HPV. But that vaccine, apparently, with some folks, has given them adverse reactions. | ||
| There's a bunch of... | ||
| Like what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people... | ||
| You know, it's like any other medication. | ||
| Some people just don't know. | ||
| They just get sick. | ||
| Some people get sick from it. | ||
| Vaccinations are tricky. | ||
| Chandra's dad got Lyme disease. | ||
| They had a vaccination for Lyme disease, but for a small percentage of the population that had a particular gene set up, they would get Lyme disease from the vaccination. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. | ||
| It wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the market. | ||
| Whoa, God. | ||
| Do you see what's going on in Venezuela right now? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's crazy riots. | ||
| Crazy riots. | ||
| It's happening all over the world. | ||
| Millions of people on the street protesting against their government. | ||
| All over the world. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Put up some of the pictures. | ||
| In the Ukraine also? | ||
| What are your people doing, Ari? | ||
| So Venezuela's not his people. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Well, they're just tired of this fucking really shitty setup that they have in a lot of these countries. | ||
| Quit cheating us wrong. | ||
| Do what we want for once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You actually don't own us. | ||
| You don't have power over us. | ||
| We allow you. | ||
| We elect you to positions of control. | ||
| Elect you. | ||
| You don't tell us what to do. | ||
| We tell you that you have power to do things. | ||
| The system's so corrupt, though. | ||
| It's like you can't apply any leaders in there. | ||
| It'll always be corrupted. | ||
| Not everyone, man, but most. | ||
| The system will get matched. | ||
| I think, well, also, I think people until today, until this year, people have been, I mean, until, you know, this age, I should say, the age of the internet, people have been able to get away with shit and not get in trouble with it and not have the word spread across the country, like, instantaneous. | ||
| Yeah, with Ronald Reagan, I have no recollection of that. | ||
| This is live video of it right now. | ||
| It's turned into fire. | ||
| This is live video? | ||
| It's cops versus citizens. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is terrifying. | ||
| This is a movie, man. | ||
| Shots going off. | ||
| That light. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Otherwise... | |
| Wow, look at this shit. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| This is live. | ||
| That's live right now. | ||
| Venezuela is a fucking... | ||
| They're rioting. | ||
| They are turning against their government. | ||
| Imagine if you were living in Venezuela right now. | ||
| This is the apocalypse. | ||
| They have regular cars. | ||
| Everything's on fire. | ||
| Guys, this is Chicago in 20 years. | ||
| Everything's on fire and guns are going off. | ||
| And this is the government trying to keep control of its citizens. | ||
| Because they're protesting and said, no, no pro... | ||
| There's outlaw protests. | ||
| That's the first thing they do. | ||
| Outlaw protests. | ||
| You can't outlaw protests, you fucks. | ||
| And start getting violent because they just want to say, don't do this. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, they're living under a totalitarian dictatorship. | ||
| They're blocking Twitter. | ||
| If you post pictures on Twitter, they're blocking a lot of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, shit. | |
| It's terrifying shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And you know what? | ||
| All these monarchs and all these kings and all these people that run countries are terrified of this kind of shit happening. | ||
| All these prime ministers or whatever their title is. | ||
| People in positions of power. | ||
| Call them whatever the fuck you want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| All these people are terrified of losing this. | ||
| They're terrified of losing their ability to control these people. | ||
| And they get used to that feeling of power. | ||
| They feel like they deserve it. | ||
| The same way we were talking about earlier, like, ridiculous celebrities think that everyone is supposed to kiss their ass. | ||
| Because they don't look at themselves. | ||
| These people don't look at themselves either. | ||
| They just dominate these people. | ||
| I like the people who support America going into, like, Syria or something like that. | ||
| And they're like, well, we gotta do something. | ||
| And my thought is... | ||
| If there were dirty dishes in the sink, you don't send a spastic toddler in there to wash it because they'll smash a bunch of dishes. | ||
| And you'll be like, well, we can't just leave the dishes dirty. | ||
| They're like, well, we've got to send in somebody. | ||
| Like, that toddler's the wrong guy to send in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America's proven to have just spread death. | |
| But who else would you send in if you're going to get rid of a dictator? | ||
| No, we're clearly not the ones. | ||
| We just spread death to every country we go into. | ||
| Yeah, but if you want to... | ||
| Okay, look, I don't buy what's going on in Syria. | ||
| I don't buy that we need to invade Syria. | ||
| I think it's a very complicated, gigantic mess. | ||
| But if you're going to say that someone needed to invade Syria, who the fuck would it be except us? | ||
| We're the only real superpower in the world. | ||
| But we've only... | ||
| Made more suffering and death everywhere else we've gone. | ||
| We're getting better at it, Ari. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It takes like a joke. | ||
| It takes a lot of practice. | ||
| You've got to keep dominating worlds for a long time before you get it right to the point you can be really nice while you're doing it. | ||
| Tom, you're in a piece. | ||
| Ari Shafir on Twitter. | ||
| A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him and respect. | ||
| He will also be at the Ice House tomorrow night at 10.30 p.m. | ||
| along with Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan Trussell, and Justin Martindale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Sherlock, lock, boom! | ||
| And Zanies is from Chicago this weekend. | ||
| Yeah, go there to Chicago this weekend. | ||
| Ari will be warming up for Zanies. | ||
| And Zanies is a warm-up for... | ||
| Oh, the Verizon Theater in Dallas, Texas on March 14th. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| We're going to have so much fun. | ||
| What are you doing on April 3rd? | ||
| What are you doing on April 3rd? | ||
| I'm in Tempe with Zios. | ||
| Boom, son! | ||
| I'm in Miami, bitch! | ||
| Let me just say, I would reject that anyway. | ||
| I hate Miami. | ||
| One of the worst cities. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| They're wonderful people. | ||
| Bomb them! | ||
| You creep. | ||
| They're your folks. | ||
| Yeah, some of them. | ||
| Cubans and Jews just fucking with abandon on Tinder. | ||
| Chaos fucking. | ||
| Just chaos fucking. | ||
| 418, I'm in Orlando, Florida with Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| And then 425 in Baltimore, Maryland. | ||
| Also with the master, Joe Diaz. | ||
| Alright, so we will see you guys tomorrow with Campbell McLaren. | ||
| Campbell McLaren is the man who hired me for the very first UFC that I did, which was UFC 12 in Dothan, Alabama in 1997. And he was there from the very beginning. | ||
| He'll tell us some great UFC stories. | ||
| And he's also got some new MMA league that he's putting together. | ||
| He's going to talk to us about that. | ||
| Thanks to our sponsors. | ||
| Thanks to NatureBox.com. | ||
| Good food. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| It's yummy. | ||
| And they're sending me some gluten-free shit this week. | ||
| Son... | ||
| Get a handle on your hunger and your health. | ||
| Go to naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| That's naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| Try it now. | ||
| For your first order, 50% off by going to naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Enjoy the shit out of it, you dirty freak. | ||
| Hey, I'm having a 420 show at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Store 20. Oh, Jesus, Louisa. | ||
| Store 20 at 4 o'clock. | ||
| The Comedy Store 420 show at 420. Ari Shafir, I doubt weed will be involved in that show. | ||
| Wink, wink. | ||
| But if you do get yourself in some trouble and you need legal help, LegalZoom is not the place to go for that. | ||
| It's a place to go to for a lot of other legal shit. | ||
| Legalzoom.com. | ||
| Use the code WORDROGAN in the referral box at checkout for more savings. | ||
| Legalzoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third-party attorney and provide you with self-help services. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Use the code WORDROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Much respect, you dirty bitches. |
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