Jan. 14, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:09
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, freaks. | ||
| I'm fucking multitasking right now. | ||
| As I speak to you, I am actually tweeting that we're live. | ||
| And a lot of people are like, dude, you can't do that. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, I can. | ||
| I'm fucking badass. | ||
| Not only that, I also turn the volume off on my computer at the same time. | ||
| I give zero fucks. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tweet. | |
| Then. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| Squarespace is having a contest. | ||
| That's why we're doing two of them this week. | ||
| And what Squarespace is, is the easiest, simplest way to get a really badass website. | ||
| And when I say a badass website, I mean they look fucking completely and totally professional. | ||
| It looks like you spent a shitload of dollars doing it, but in fact, you did it yourself. | ||
| It's super easy to do. | ||
| And Squarespace is having a contest right now to sort of accentuate that because the feedback of Squarespace has been so excellent. | ||
| And their contest is, we're going to pick up to this week, January 17th it ends, and we're going to pick four of the baddest, most sweetest websites. | ||
| And for the people that have created those four baddest, sweetest websites, we're going to give them a free year of Squarespace, and we're going to send those winners a swag bag with items like Squarespace, Apple keyboard, a t-shirt, moleskin, and more. | ||
| What do they have? | ||
| Sound on their website? | ||
| How dare they? | ||
| What fucking age are they living in, these freaks? | ||
| Oh, let me put sound on my website when it opens up so that it immediately starts annoying the shit out of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a video I was playing. | |
| You know those old school websites? | ||
| You'd go to them and they'd immediately start. | ||
| Mine used to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
MySpace. | |
| Remember there's like five different songs going at the same time? | ||
| And glitter tags. | ||
| Don't forget glitter tags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor glitter tags. | |
| What'd you just take? | ||
| A modafinil. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| No. | ||
| You sure you don't want a Xanax? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is actually like speed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's just the opposite. | ||
| It's not really speed. | ||
| It's actually called Nuvagil is what it is. | ||
| I can't take that. | ||
| If I'm tired and I want to fire my brain up, I can pop one of those in. | ||
| It's actually an experiment because I tried something called Sledgling this weekend, and Jamie and I were actually just talking about it. | ||
| This guy, Dr. Mark Gordon, was here, and he gave me these... | ||
| These smart drugs. | ||
| And we tried it. | ||
| We both tried a dose of it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Interesting stuff. | ||
| So I'm comparing it to this. | ||
| Did you feel more lucid? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| You know, it's hard. | ||
| It's hard to tell. | ||
| What was the fact that I got a good eight-hour sleep? | ||
| What was the fact that I ate good food? | ||
| I think they all play a part of the thing. | ||
| To really find out, you'd have to have a baseline where you ate the exact same foods, did the exact same activities, got the exact same amount of sleep. | ||
| You'd have to have that baseline. | ||
| And then add in something. | ||
| But I take so many different nutrients, vitamins and fucking nootropics and all these different things. | ||
| With that prescription? | ||
| And that's all legal stuff. | ||
| Most of it is nutrients. | ||
| Most of it is just vitamins. | ||
| Keeping the brain sharp, Dominic. | ||
| You gotta stay on the ball, lad. | ||
| Don't you think it's amazing, man, how lethargic you are when you go on stage, all of a sudden your mind clicks into a different gear? | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| Well, first of all, you and I are both eating dick on stage before. | ||
| That's a fucking terrible feeling. | ||
| I can't have dick without balls. | ||
| It's a side dish. | ||
| Let me get through these commercials real quick so we can just start podcasts. | ||
| Anyway, go tweet, build a website, and tweet the website, the Squarespace contest. | ||
| What are we talking about? | ||
| Squarespace, you fucks. | ||
| Pay attention. | ||
| Tweet it to hashtag JRE Squarespace before January 17th. | ||
| So go to squarespace.com, enter in the code word Joe and the number 1, which stands for where we are right now, January. | ||
| And you can save some money as well. | ||
| The thing that's beautiful about Squarespace is that you can do anything online. | ||
| If you can just, normal shit, like drag and drop and click, and if you know how to select things, you could do this. | ||
| And the way that's, it's so easy and so intuitive that they have it set up so you don't even have to enter your credit card information. | ||
| Just go there and try it. | ||
| If you like it, and you say, this is pretty badass, boom, then, from there, then, you give them some money. | ||
| But until then, you're not obligated. | ||
| Just go and give it a shot. | ||
| Use the offer code JOE and the number one. | ||
| That's JOE and the number one. | ||
| That's for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase at Squarespace.com. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Squarespace.com? | ||
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Hashtag JRD Squarespace. | ||
| Do you think you could do this? | ||
| You are not a real computer wizard, I'll tell you that. | ||
| You're a genius comedian, but as far as computers, I would not put you in the wizard category. | ||
| I think you could build a website on Squarespace. | ||
| We should have a contest to see if Dom Herrera could build a web space on Squarespace. | ||
| Not without alcohol. | ||
| If we got you licking up, you can figure it out. | ||
| If you had like a hot assistant, you know, maybe a hot Japanese assistant. | ||
| No, Mr. Herrera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| You must have said it like this. | ||
| When my computer comes on, I go, yes! | ||
| I did it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My man! | |
| I'm a wizard! | ||
| I'm a wizard! | ||
| You're wrong, baby. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting is... | ||
| Squarespace and Ting are two of my favorite podcast sponsors because they're both two podcast sponsors that I haven't had a single person tell me anything bad about. | ||
| And then, of course, someone listening to this right now is like, I'll be that guy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be first! | |
| Fuck Ting can suck my dick and Squarespace is filled with cunts! | ||
| Fuck you, Joe Rogan! | ||
| Um... | ||
| Ting is a great way to save money and use a Sprint backbone. | ||
| You don't have to worry about being on some mom-and-pop cell phone network. | ||
| They use one of the biggest cell phone networks in the country. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| They're from Canada and they don't operate in Canada. | ||
| They operate in the United States. | ||
| You could roam in Canada, but they're a Canadian company that works in the United States. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's weird. | |
| From Toronto, I bet. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, great guys. | ||
| And their idea, great gals too. | ||
| I'm sure there's some awesome gals working there. | ||
| I don't want to be sexist. | ||
| But their idea is sell you awesome cell phone service and do so in an ethical way. | ||
| A no BS mobile service, if you will. | ||
| And they have no contracts, no early termination fees. | ||
| And they even have an early termination fee relief program. | ||
| If you're paying an early termination fee to come to Ting, they will give you up to $75 back. | ||
| They will credit you 25% of your early termination fee, which is up to $75 per device. | ||
| It's really a great company. | ||
| I really like the idea behind this. | ||
| Sell you something that's really excellent and do it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you're getting fucked. | ||
| Ninety-eight percent of all people who switch to Ting save money. | ||
| I mean, I've had three very good friends that have done it. | ||
| Brian's done it. | ||
| Dr. Chris Ryan did it. | ||
| They rave about it. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| And you really do save money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tons of money. | |
| The other guys charge you if you go over your allocated minutes, texts, and data. | ||
| But if you have a heavier month on Ting, you just pay for what you used. | ||
| It's really simple. | ||
| So no mysterious items on your bill and unlimited devices on one plan. | ||
| You can have as many devices as you want on one plan, sharing pooled minutes, messages, megabytes, everything. | ||
| Each device on a plan costs a flat $6 per month. | ||
| It's really good deals. | ||
| And the phones they sell are all the highest-end Android phones. | ||
| All the really cool ones like the Galaxy Note 3, which is what I have and Brian has. | ||
| The Galaxy S4, which is another excellent phone. | ||
| The HTC One is an excellent phone. | ||
| It used to be at one point in time that iPhone was the king and everything else just sucked. | ||
| But it's very close now. | ||
| In fact, I give the edge to Androids just because their screens are bigger. | ||
| It's a way better experience. | ||
| If I'm reading my text messages or watching a video that someone sent me, it's just a better experience on that big screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry Apple, I know you keep hearing this from me. | |
| And I know we were together for so long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I want is that new flexible phone. | |
| Have you seen that? | ||
| It flexes. | ||
| The whole phone flexes. | ||
| I believe that's just the screen, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The AMOLED screen. | ||
| Isn't that what that stuff's called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like a type of plastic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You could work out with the phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could do a little in between the legs like Suzanne Somers and get your Thighmaster on. | |
| I used to work with her. | ||
| Don't make fun of her. | ||
| Oh, she's a beautiful woman. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| It's hot as fuck. | ||
| Ting. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and... | ||
| You'll save $25 off your first Ting device when you sign up. | ||
| Rogan.Ting.com. | ||
| We love Ting. | ||
| They're an awesome company. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. They have a Stay On It program now. | ||
| All the Onnit products you love automatically deliver to your door each month at the lowest price guaranteed. | ||
| Our idea is that people get annoyed with having to over and over again buy shit and order shit. | ||
| If you know what you like and if you've used it consistently, you can get it done and get it done this way and not have to think about it as much. | ||
| What Onnit is, is basically we call ourselves a human optimization website. | ||
| And what we try to sell you is all shit that we think... | ||
| Can benefit you, whether it's health, whether it's cognitive function, strength and conditioning. | ||
| We sell battle ropes and kettlebells and all things for making you the type of man that Dom Irera is. | ||
| I mean, you're not going to get there intellectually, but if you could just become a man through these... | ||
| Did I lose too much weight, Joe? | ||
| Look at it in my face. | ||
| Am I gaunt? | ||
| I want you to be brutally honest with me. | ||
| You're not gaunt. | ||
| You're delicious. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You look soft and lovable. | ||
| I just took a Calgon bath before I came over. | ||
| You have such smooth skin. | ||
| Yes, I do moisturize. | ||
| You're obviously not a man who has to work too hard outside in the cold, frigid temperatures. | ||
| I haven't done anything since I started doing stand-up. | ||
| I've never worked. | ||
| I don't have a tool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| I don't have one tool. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's a real comic. | ||
| That's why you're still funny. | ||
| Where was I? Rogan, Onnit, whatever. | ||
| Go get a battle rope. | ||
| Wrap it around your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stretch that thing out, you weak fuck. | |
| Just go there and check it out. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. I can't even continue doing these type of super descriptive commercials because the people that have heard it a million times are freaking out. | ||
| But if you're interested, go to Onnit. | ||
| Use the code word ROGAN. And save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Dom Herrera is here. | ||
| I can't believe you got him. | ||
| And he's super awesome. | ||
| How'd you get him in the studio? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Boom, dong, dong, dong, Dom Herrera. | ||
| My brother, what's up, baby? | ||
| Everything's good, Joe. | ||
| You're a real comedian, Dom Herrera. | ||
| You're just saying that for folks who didn't listen to the commercial part. | ||
| You don't have a tool, you've never done a thing, you've never turned a wrench. | ||
| There's two toolboxes in my house and they were the last two women that lived with me. | ||
| They brought toolboxes? | ||
| I can't even lift it. | ||
| There's one I can't lift. | ||
| I don't know how Sophie lifted it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Every time somebody shakes my hand, they go, man, you have soft hands. | ||
| Oh, they're butter. | ||
| They're like butter smooth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really do believe that there's a real factor in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You remaining on top of your game all these years. | |
| You truly completely, you know, you're a comedian. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's what you're capable of. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I could do it in a hammock. | ||
| I followed Crystal Lear the other night at the... | ||
| He had a standing ovation at Lear Factory, right? | ||
| I walk in, and this was true, I had just woken up. | ||
| I took a nap, like, at 9 o'clock at night. | ||
| And the audience was standing. | ||
| I said, first of all, Chris just got a standing ovation. | ||
| I just woke up. | ||
| I said, I was just in the bathtub like a big fat fag. | ||
| So lazy. | ||
| The only reason I was taking a bath because I was too lazy to stand up and shave. | ||
| And I said to the crowd, now what would you do if you were me? | ||
| What the fuck am I supposed to do? | ||
| Fly around a room? | ||
| What do you mean after he had a standing ovation? | ||
| Yeah, after he had a standing ovation. | ||
| Am I supposed to fly around a room? | ||
| I said, tell me what to do. | ||
| And they were with me because it was honest. | ||
| You know, but the thing is, what you were saying about just, I give a fuck totally, but I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Like, I could do it in a hammock at this point. | ||
| Just put my head out doing stand-up. | ||
| That's actually not a bad idea. | ||
| It'd be pretty funny for 30. That'd be a good act. | ||
| Yeah, just laying there. | ||
| Yeah, especially if it was a part of a comedy festival, or maybe not even a regular set. | ||
| Just like, ladies and gentlemen, we present you Dom Irera in a hammock, and you just swinging back and forth with a wireless microphone in the air and talking shit. | ||
| Man, have things changed since I started doing the show. | ||
| Redman has now taken acts on the road with him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He took Tiffany Haddish, which I said, you know Tiffany. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| I said, it's beautiful, right? | ||
| But I said, I would be afraid to fuck Tiffany, or even him, because I'm intimidated by her in a sense. | ||
| You call that a dick, white boy? | ||
| I'll snap that motherfucker off. | ||
| Have you ever seen her queef into a microphone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She closed it in Dallas and it brought down the house. | |
| People just couldn't understand it was happening. | ||
| It was like a good 10 second pause where everyone's face was like, wait. | ||
|
unidentified
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That just happened. | |
| And then it just destroyed. | ||
| So she just put the microphone in her box? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she had been on stage for 30 minutes, so she had a wet pussy. | ||
| She's mostly a writer. | ||
| She had a wet pussy from being on stage? | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what she said. | |
| What's amazing, honestly, really, that she's the first one to think of sticking a microphone in her pussy and queefing. | ||
| I don't remember it being done before. | ||
| She's a pioneer. | ||
| Someone would have picked that up by now. | ||
| She's a cunt pioneer. | ||
| Yeah, but if you really think about it, isn't it incredible that it's 2014? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For her, what was it, like 2012? | ||
| When did she start queefing? | ||
| She was on the podcast on the Ice House Chronicles, like what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two years ago, maybe. | |
| Maybe, it might have been either 2012 or 2013. Either one of them. | ||
| Either a year or a year and a half ago. | ||
| She was queefing, and I was thinking then, I was like, I don't think anybody does this. | ||
| It's kind of amazing, but you would have thought that somebody would have locked that down. | ||
| I mean, that's been around for a long time. | ||
| The fact that no one's stuck a microphone. | ||
| Has any guy just committed to just farting on stage all the time? | ||
| I mean, as one comedian, is this her doing it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, let's hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's part of a fart too, man. | |
| I gotta tell you, I'm not really impressed. | ||
| We'll pitch his fart on stage. | ||
| If you see it close up, she kind of tilts her back a little, and you can see her sucking air in. | ||
| So now you have to follow that? | ||
|
unidentified
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No, Tony didn't. | |
| He's sick right now. | ||
| He might have, from the microphone, I think. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Oh, could you imagine if he really died because of the microphone? | ||
| Imagine if you actually caught AIDS from a microphone. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Not saying that Tiffany Hanisch has AIDS at all. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| But yeah, god damn, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's a lot of fun, though, man. | |
| I'm so proud of her. | ||
| She's on the Arsenio Hall now. | ||
| Trying to bail himself out after this queef episode. | ||
| Well, it is fascinating to me. | ||
| I mean, it's just, first of all, it's fascinating because it's, even though you, say a woman's on stage, she could refresh her vagina, she could point to it, she could show it to you, but when someone starts talking with it, you know that noise came from that vagina. | ||
| That is several levels more intimate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her pussy's talking to you. | ||
| You hear the pussy talking, boy? | ||
|
unidentified
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Those Texas girls didn't know how to act either. | |
| No one should know how to act. | ||
| Listen, no one on the planet. | ||
| The only reason why we know how to act is because we're deviants. | ||
| We're deviants and we've been around fucked up people our entire lives. | ||
| I mean, you've been around no one but fucked up people since we started working together. | ||
| And I've been around no one but fucked up people for a decade before that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Our perspective is a bit skewed. | ||
| Imagine the boyfriend driving to the thing telling his girlfriend the show may be a little... | ||
| Maybe a little queefy. | ||
| Yeah, imagine if a girl is like really seriously Christian and you know... | ||
| I'll go to the show because I think Brian Redband's cute, but I heard that this girl, Tiffany Haddish, makes satanic noise with her vagina. | ||
| Joe, do you remember the hooker that we interviewed a long time ago on the Joe show? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, in the parking lot of the comedy store. | ||
| She was telling us how she did the business and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was really stunned. | |
| I was like, I wonder if she's still a hooker. | ||
| And I found her online. | ||
| Still a hooker. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
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And it's been, what, like 10 years? | |
| She didn't get out of low school yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Jeez. | ||
| It's so weird how easy it was to find her, too. | ||
| Yes, I'm torn. | ||
| I gotta be honest. | ||
| I'm torn on the whole idea of prostitution. | ||
| Because I feel like, I always feel like, you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If you want to have sex with someone for free, you should be able to have sex with someone for free. | ||
| If a guy wants a thousand dollars If you jerk them off and you're like, alright. | ||
| Then you should be able to do that. | ||
| It should be legal. | ||
| It should be no more different than if you wanted to get a massage. | ||
| Like, no one wants to massage you, man. | ||
| You're paying them to massage you. | ||
| When you go to a spa and you get a rub down for an hour, that person does not want to do that. | ||
| You're giving them money and they're making you feel good with their fingers. | ||
| Like, you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| And it's all our societal standards. | ||
| That are fucked up and weird about sex. | ||
| That said, when I hear that someone's a hooker like that and has been a hooker for 10 years, that does not feel good. | ||
| It feels sad. | ||
| It feels like she's lost and she's in a bad place. | ||
| And I'm torn because I don't know if that's my own biased perceptions. | ||
| Maybe she's meeting a bunch of people that are really desperate for touch and maybe she picks good clientele and they have sex. | ||
| That's how she gets paid, and who gives a fuck? | ||
| Maybe it's that. | ||
| Maybe it's that. | ||
| I mean, but instantly you say that she's still a hooker, and I'm like, but I'm like, I'm questioning myself. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| You know, why does it always have to be bad? | ||
| Is it because we've associated sex with something that you're, it's naughty, you're not supposed to do it, so someone doing it for a living is somehow or another a bad thing? | ||
| I used to get prostitutes after I fucked a regular girl. | ||
| Like on the road. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Just because it was wild, the curiosity of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I had one ounce of jizz left, seriously, I would have a waitress or something on the road club, and she'd go, and I'd call a prostitute. | ||
| Total addict. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Thank God for blood pressure medication. | ||
| Do you think that's part of that, just being Italian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| You know, there's always been that, like, ridiculous stereotype of Italians as, like, over-sex goons. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But there's a reason why that stereotype is not for Chinese guys. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| There's a reason why that stereotype is not for, you know, fill in the blank. | ||
| It's like for over-sex, apish goons for Italians. | ||
| It's because they are. | ||
| I fucked Sophie for five years every day. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| At least a couple times a day. | ||
| Even when she was reading. | ||
| I didn't need to know that, but now that I do, I feel better. | ||
| Yeah, it's all my ancestors, my fucking family back home, like all the Italians I knew that I grew up with, they were savages. | ||
| They would have gumaras, they'd call them. | ||
| Like they'd take the gumara out on a Friday night and then wipe out on a Saturday. | ||
| Did you see that new movie, American Hustle? | ||
| I fell asleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see it? | |
| I heard that movie sucks from so many people. | ||
| I don't know what they watched. | ||
| I fell asleep. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Do you like it? | ||
| Those people are idiots. | ||
| I've got to watch it again. | ||
| I enjoyed that movie. | ||
| I have it at home. | ||
| They sent it to me. | ||
| SAG sent it to me. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| Oh, are you bragging about the SAG thing? | ||
| Yeah, they sent it to everybody. | ||
| What kind of a brag is that? | ||
| Well, if it gets bootlegged, we know where it came from. | ||
| Because Don Marrera really knows those. | ||
| No, I had to agree to... | ||
| I had accepted the agreement. | ||
| Like, they're going to trace it. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, there's a new thing they have now. | ||
| Somebody told me about online. | ||
| We can get movies as they come out. | ||
| They cost 500 bucks. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's like you have a box in your house and that box stores a certain amount of movies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'll send you the information. | ||
| I sent it to the guy who did the AV in this place, my buddy, and he said, yeah, it's legit. | ||
| He said, it's a new thing. | ||
| It sets up to your house. | ||
| You could store like X amount of movies. | ||
| You could have like 10 movies on it at any one time, and they're all in your name, and they don't go anywhere. | ||
| They just plug it in this box, and you can play them on your TV, and each movie costs like 500 bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Which is weird, man. | ||
| It's like, that is a lot of fucking money. | ||
| But I was at the movie theater, I went to see American Hustle, and this couple behind us just kept talking. | ||
| And it was not very many people in the theater, so they were talking pretty loud because there was no one next to them. | ||
| And people just don't realize, they probably don't even realize they're being rude because they thought they were far away, but you don't realize how far your voice carries when everybody else is trying to... | ||
| Yeah, I was just going to say that. | ||
| I was going to bring that up, and it was really frustrating. | ||
| But, you know, I just dealt with it and watched the movie. | ||
| I didn't say anything. | ||
| But a guy got shot in Florida. | ||
| Yeah, some retired cop had a gun on him. | ||
| He was texting. | ||
| He wasn't even talking. | ||
| He was texting. | ||
| Texting in the theater, and this cop wound up getting an altercation with him. | ||
| I mean, that's step one, and then step, you know, ultimate step ten or whatever it is, is he shot him. | ||
| Who knows what happened? | ||
| The cop could've asked him, and he could've gone, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Could've gotten crazy. | ||
| He was 72 years old or something, too. | ||
| Well, maybe he's just ready to die on his own, and he was like, I'm just gonna start killing kids until one of them gets me. | ||
| That's why I like Arclight, because not only you can pick your seats, but then if there's somebody that's talking or something, there's like a guy that just pretty much stands in that movie theater that they're on it like that. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| There's another place called Cineopolis that's even more dope. | ||
| They have these giant lounge chairs. | ||
| They can fully recline. | ||
| They sell food. | ||
| The food's really delicious. | ||
| And it's a way better experience. | ||
| People don't fucking talk. | ||
| So, it might be worth the $500, is my point, to have new movies as they come out. | ||
| It might be worth it. | ||
| What you do is you get the box, and you set up a camera in a dark room, and you film it, and then we make a DVD of it, and then we sell it to our friends for $20 each, and get the $500 back. | ||
| Do you want to go to jail? | ||
| You're just retarded. | ||
| Which one is that? | ||
| That was my first line to him, the first time I did the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That was the way we met. | ||
| What are you, retarded? | ||
| I loved how you handled it. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| How do you handle it? | ||
| You. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| How you handled it when you met him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Called him what it is. | ||
| Well, I think I was right, but I love him. | ||
| I don't know if I would pay $500 for a movie, though. | ||
| That seems like a lot of goddamn money. | ||
| That seems like, at this point in time, it's like, come on, man. | ||
| Unless you're really annoyed by the public and have that much money, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Yeah, but the problem is the more you do shit like that, you could become a hermit, man. | ||
| You could become a hermit. | ||
| If you really paid attention to how goofy people are, you could really, at one point in time, force yourself into the mountain somewhere and just fucking be completely isolated. | ||
| Well, you handle it well. | ||
| You handle it really well. | ||
| You have a lot of patience. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| It's a bunch of people being nice to you. | ||
| But when we're shooting pool and somebody wants to take a picture, that's a little too much. | ||
| Well, it gets annoying. | ||
| That gets annoying when you're in the middle of some obvious activity or when you're eating. | ||
| Your eating is a dumb one. | ||
| That's like, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With a mouthful of food. | ||
| They want to shake your hand, too. | ||
| They want to shake your hand. | ||
| They want you to come. | ||
| I've had a lady in Vegas ask me to come over to her. | ||
| I'm in the middle of eating. | ||
| I had a mouthful of food. | ||
| Hi, we're from Canada. | ||
| We would like it if you could come over to our table. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| Like, I'm eating. | ||
| Why would you ask someone? | ||
| I couldn't imagine going up to someone I didn't know and just ask them to come over to our table. | ||
| We're big fans of Fear Factor. | ||
| I'd like you to come over to our table. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Remember when Bruce Willis first started getting famous back at the improv in the 80s? | ||
| And this guy comes up to him and he starts shaking his hand. | ||
| He wouldn't let it go. | ||
| He just keeps saying, Bruce is looking at me. | ||
| And the guy goes, Donna, get the camera. | ||
| Get the camera out of the car, Donna. | ||
| Like he was holding him hostage until he took a picture. | ||
| That's when I first saw it. | ||
| Any of my friends get that glimpse of fame and the annoying part of it. | ||
| Wow, he just held on to it, huh? | ||
| Don, I get the camera and he's shaking Bruce's hand. | ||
| Bruce is looking at me like, what am I supposed to do? | ||
| You can't win. | ||
| You pull it away. | ||
| You fucking punch him. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Some people are definitely crazy. | ||
| Some people are just too excited to meet someone like Bruce Willis, too. | ||
| It's like it's not natural. | ||
| I don't know what they think is going to happen. | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| Like, if you see Bruce Willis, like, ooh, that's Bruce Willis. | ||
| That's, you know, that's the guy from Moonlighting. | ||
| That's the guy from Die Hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's Bruce Willis. | ||
| He was in fucking Pulp Fiction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I always tell people, just enjoy their work. | ||
| I say, enjoy their work, leave them alone, because if they met some people, they'd be such a fucking disappointment to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| Some people just aren't used to it. | ||
| In California, I think way more people are used to seeing famous people. | ||
| Yeah, here they don't bother you. | ||
| Here they don't say, thank you, I like your work, until after the check is done. | ||
| So they're not trying to bump up the tip, you know? | ||
| Yeah, there's a little bit of that, I'm sure. | ||
| But California doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| It's like, if you're famous or not famous, there's so many famous people here, it's not that big of a deal. | ||
| But if you're a famous person, like say, and you moved to Iowa or something like that, that would probably be really weird. | ||
| I know that just as a comedian because... | ||
| In Columbus, Ohio, I get recognized more than I get recognized out here, but I might get recognized, but they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, you have a big following, Columbus. | ||
| You know, it's kind of interesting how comics develop followings in one city or another, and I've never really quite understood that. | ||
| But you know how there is that issue? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, the best example is that guy, Bob Marley. | ||
| I love Bob Marley. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great salt of the earth. | ||
| Such a goofball. | ||
| Sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| I've known him for 20-plus years. | ||
| I knew Bob when Bob was an open-miker in Maine. | ||
| We'd come down and do Nick's Comedy Stop, and he did a guest set at one of our shows on the road, because he was like the Bangor house comedian at this place. | ||
| But it's a real sweetheart of a guy, and a very funny guy, but my point is that he's a huge act in Maine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He sells books and albums and cool arts. | ||
| You might have heard of him, like most of you, if you're a comedy fan, you might have heard him on Sirius Satellite Radio or seen him on Comedy Central or something like that, but... | ||
| You would have no idea. | ||
| Tell me a great story about Billy Crystal. | ||
| They get into an elevator. | ||
| Him and Chuck, Butch Bradley. | ||
| And Billy Crystal was there. | ||
| And Bob goes, and then Brooke's going, hey, Billy, you know, nice to meet you. | ||
| We're comedians. | ||
| And he just kind of went, mm-hmm. | ||
| You know, like kind of ditched him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, ignored him. | ||
| And Bob says to me, he goes, I don't know whether to fucking push the stop button and beat the fuck out of him. | ||
| Or just let it go. | ||
| You know, he said, so he let it go. | ||
| Wow, Billy Crystal probably stopped being a comedian somewhere along the line. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| About stop being a comedian? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If you do that, you stop being a comedian. | ||
| He was always really nice to me, and then one time I interviewed him and De Niro for this Comedy Central thing, and he was real smug and shit. | ||
| Like, he turned against me. | ||
| Because De Niro, like, is kind of thick, you know? | ||
| And I said to him, because he sang... | ||
| De Niro's thick in what way? | ||
| Thick mentally. | ||
| Like, he's not there, you know, like, real quick. | ||
| I mean, he's a great actor. | ||
| But that's a whole different story. | ||
| But De Niro, I said to him, because he sang and analyzed that, and I said, I love your singing. | ||
| I always loved, more than anything, I loved your singing. | ||
| Obviously, I'm kidding. | ||
| I go, I says, you were the definitive Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. | ||
| And De Niro goes, oh, thank you. | ||
| He didn't fucking get it. | ||
| He was barely paying attention to you. | ||
| That's exactly what it was. | ||
| And Billy was kind of snapping at me. | ||
| I'm thinking, man, Billy, you're turning on me? | ||
| I'm another comedian. | ||
| Go with it. | ||
| I think sometimes a guy like him will get tired of being the center of attention. | ||
| Because I think also to be that kind of an actor... | ||
| He's not... | ||
| Who, De Niro? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be that kind of an actor... | ||
| Don't you think he's lost some of his legacy, though, by doing these stupid films? | ||
| He definitely has. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, he was in American Hustle, and he's a fucking gangster in it. | ||
| Yeah, good. | ||
| He's badass. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| He's a very small part, but it's vintage De Niro. | ||
| But that's my question. | ||
| When you work that much, and you have Taxi Driver... | ||
| And Raging Bull in your resume. | ||
| Where are you going to go from there? | ||
| I mean, he just wants to work, so he's doing the Fockers and all this stuff. | ||
| Well, maybe he enjoys it, though. | ||
| Yeah, I think he does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the other thing. | |
| I mean, it's like he obviously enjoys working. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure to be so big that you can't just do medium shit. | ||
| True. | ||
| Well, he put in some of the greatest performances of all time. | ||
| Cape Fear? | ||
| Oh, he was fucking menacing. | ||
| Jesus Christ, he was fucking terrifying. | ||
| That scene when he was in the empty theater with the girl, when she put his finger in her mouth, that was fucking wild. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| It was a fucking crazy movie. | ||
| He was one of the scariest guys ever as a menacing guy. | ||
| And Taxi Driver as well. | ||
| Well, he always deteriorated. | ||
| Even in King of Comedy, he got crazier and crazier as the movie went on. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| King of Comedy. | ||
| Oh my God, I forgot about that. | ||
| Rupert Pumpkin. | ||
| You know what I saw the other day? | ||
| I'm going to have to sit down and watch the whole thing, but I was flipping through the channels and it was on... | ||
| Was I flipping through the channels or was I... Whatever. | ||
| Somehow or another I was watching a small piece of it. | ||
| Deer Hunter. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I was having... | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| God damn, that's a good movie. | ||
| I had to stop it and I said, you know, I can't start it in the middle here and just watch it from here. | ||
| I'm going to come back to this and watch this as a full movie. | ||
| That movie deserves to be watched as a full movie. | ||
| Just flipping through the channels and you can catch that. | ||
| Not because this is Sons of Italy Day, but to switch to one other... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it really? | |
| No, but to switch to one other Italian, Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon. | ||
| You ever see that? | ||
| Fantastic movie. | ||
| I saw it again last year. | ||
| Fucking incredible. | ||
| Fantastic movie. | ||
| Yeah, what a weird plot, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah, and it was true. | ||
| It was a sex change. | ||
| It was a true story. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, but De Niro, I mean... | ||
| John Casals? | ||
| No, who was the... | ||
| was that who was his name? | ||
| Pacino. | ||
| No, Pacino's buddy. | ||
| Who was Pacino's buddy? | ||
| John Casals. | ||
| Yeah, he was Fredo. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He played such a weird, freaky character, and Pacino was so off. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was such a different person. | ||
| Like this kind of guy who's robbing a bank to pay for a sex change. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He almost seemed a little too together to be that guy. | ||
| Almost a little too together. | ||
| When he went outside, that was where Attica came from. | ||
| Attica, Attica. | ||
| That was a big movie, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was reading about him because they didn't want to cast him in The Godfather as Michael Corleone. | ||
| You know who they wanted for? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Redford. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Robert Redford, right. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| And they watched and somehow Coppola wanted him and he finally got him in. | ||
| And how great was he in that movie? | ||
| He was spectacular. | ||
| The transition between Michael and The Godfather? | ||
| I think those guys that do those movies, like Pacino and De Niro and Harvey Keitel and all these, like... | ||
| Historical actors, after a while, they're just fucking working, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like until the next really big project comes up, until something that comes up... | ||
| Don't die on us, Tom. | ||
| Got a little bronchitis, Joe. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Not bragging. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it's like, to keep up that level of work... | ||
| To keep up the level of work that they did, like Samuel Jackson, Pulp Fiction. | ||
| To keep up that level of work, that's a spectacular goddamn movie. | ||
| How do you follow yourself? | ||
| The part is so perfect. | ||
| That's one of the most menacing parts ever. | ||
| That's another menacing. | ||
| Like the menacing part of De Niro and Cape Fear. | ||
| Sam Jackson's menacing part as the hitman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| Who's talking shit to you before he shoots you about your cheeseburger. | ||
| That is indeed a tasty burger. | ||
| He was fucking horrifying, man. | ||
| How about the scene in True Romance? | ||
| He was talking about the... | ||
| Who was in that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking about when he's talking about Africa? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Gary Oldman? | ||
| No, it wasn't Gary Oldman. | ||
| Oh, Christopher Walken when he was talking about Sicilians. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The Dennis Hopper. | ||
| Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper. | ||
| That was one of the heaviest fucking scenes and put some comedy in it. | ||
| Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction was a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| When he would quote the Bible to you before he would shoot you. | ||
| His wallet said bad motherfucker on it. | ||
| He had jerry curls running around in a suit shooting people. | ||
| That was a wild part. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good menacing motherfucker. | ||
| He's got crazy eyes. | ||
| And thanks for doing my podcast. | ||
| Anytime, my brother. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| Can I do a shameless plug? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Do you mind? | ||
| Because these fucking clubs, this show's so big. | ||
| Everybody asks me if I can do it. | ||
| If I can run 30 seconds. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I just wanted to mention where I'm going to be. | ||
| Do you have stuff written down? | ||
| Yeah, because they drive me fucking crazy. | ||
| Who's driving you crazy? | ||
| Any club that knows I'm going to do this show... | ||
| Alright, I'm doing Side Splitters in Tampa. | ||
| Can I do this? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead, just do it. | ||
| Side Splitters in Tampa, Knoxville, Side Splitters, Laugh Factory, Chicago, Long Beach, Vegas, Funny Bone, Columbus, Denver Comedy Works, Stress Factory, and Kilkenny Island. | ||
| This is all great, but this is not the way- Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Let me tell you the best way to do it in the future. | ||
| Just get a Twitter that you post on a regular basis and have all your dates up on Twitter. | ||
| And then send people to your Twitter. | ||
| Or send people to your calendar on your website. | ||
| Do you realize who you're talking to? | ||
| These people are not going to remember all these things. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| When you say a bunch of things in a row, it loses their meaning. | ||
| If you say, go to domirera.net or.com, boom. | ||
| Follow me on Twitter. | ||
| How much do you do on Twitter? | ||
| Do you get on Twitter all the time? | ||
| Not all the time, but I do it. | ||
| If I get drunk, you know... | ||
| There's some profound vulgar thing. | ||
| It's a great way to promote gigs, man. | ||
| Yeah, you're great at that shit. | ||
| But do you do it at all? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you do it before each week? | ||
| Yeah, Taj got me into it. | ||
| He did a retweet. | ||
| I went from like four followers to 10,000 because he retweeted me. | ||
| Whatever he did, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Taj is gigantic right now. | ||
| You know what's weird about Twitter and just being around for a while? | ||
| Justin Bieber has like 44 million, something like that, and Paul McCartney has a million, right? | ||
| And I know it's different worlds, but isn't that incredible, though? | ||
| It is kind of incredible. | ||
| It seems like... | ||
| I mean, I don't think Paul McCartney's tweeting all the time. | ||
| Yeah, does he use it? | ||
| Because Justin Bieber actually uses it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the big thing with one of those guys. | ||
| He's always in the laugh factor, you know? | ||
| He wants to do stand-up. | ||
| What are you putting on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a story of a Bieber getting his house raided this morning. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They found cocaine so far in it. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, they're looking for it because he recently egged his neighbor's house and caused over $15,000 to $20,000 worth of damage. | ||
| Allegedly, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| But supposedly there's video, allegedly. | ||
| And I guess over $400, it's a felony. | ||
| So they're raiding his home, looking for any connections to that. | ||
| And if they find any drugs on the way, they can just arrest him for any... | ||
| How crazy do they need 10 cop cars to arrest Justin Bieber? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They took him in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think what the deal is, is recently in the news, he's been just terrorizing his neighborhood, he's been terrorizing the cops. | ||
| He's got a posse with him, you know, which is hilarious. | ||
| That would suck if you had some multi-million dollar house and you lived in this really nice place, and then you had this crazy fuck living next door to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Driving down the street like 50 miles per hour while your daughter's in the driveway, you know, that would suck. | |
| You think he'll end up killing himself? | ||
| Well, if he's doing the coke, it's not a good sign, Irera. | ||
| No. | ||
| Doing the coke is not... | ||
| Nobody just, like, is really good at coke. | ||
| Like, there's some people that are good at surfing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And surfing's hard. | ||
| If I tried surfing, I'd fall flat on my fucking face. | ||
| But if you get good at surfing, you do it for a while, you learn how to perfect it. | ||
| No one ever gets that way with cocaine. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know how I said to you a long time ago, Joe, that... | ||
| When you did pot, it changed you, and I think it really helped you. | ||
| I never said that about coke. | ||
| I never said, you know, Tony's doing a lot more coke lately. | ||
| He's really got his life together. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people say that about meth. | ||
| Guys do meth, and all of a sudden, they really fucking straighten up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get their life in order. | ||
| Boy, your gums look good. | ||
| Well, that's the problem with labeling a drug as a drug, you know, like... | ||
| Saying it's a drug. | ||
| It seems like they're all the same thing. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| What a drug is is something that affects your brain. | ||
| But the vast majority of them are good. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of good drugs. | ||
| But nicotine's a drug. | ||
| I don't think it affects your brain. | ||
| Caffeine's a good drug. | ||
| It's a good drug. | ||
| I mean, you might not like it, but I like a fucking cup of coffee. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I like the fact that there's drugs that can help people that are sick. | ||
| There's drugs that can help people that are in intense pain. | ||
| There's a lot of drugs that have some real beneficial effects. | ||
| And then there's drugs that'll ruin your life. | ||
| There's drugs that nobody survives. | ||
| There's the opiates, the heroin, the meth, the speeds, the ones where you hear about these terrible stories of people's lives completely falling apart. | ||
| I mean, you can kind of include pot in there. | ||
| I've heard people talk about other people that ruin their life on pot. | ||
| Yeah, but that's them inside. | ||
| They're looking for something to ruin their life. | ||
| I agree, and I see that the same way as gambling. | ||
| The gambling thing, people think that compulsive gambling is... | ||
| Very different than drug addiction. | ||
| I don't think it's different at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's all the same. | ||
| Somehow or another, you get hooked on a drug, except this time you're getting a drug from taking a risk. | ||
| I believe you can have that with sex. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| With anything. | ||
| With masturbation. | ||
| There's guys that have masturbated their dick raw and then, like, tried to figure out other ways of jerking off. | ||
| I'm not looking at you in the eyes because it's you. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| It's weird, isn't it? | ||
| That people get addicted to stuff. | ||
| The physical addictive part is really weird. | ||
| That we, like, a chemical attaches itself to our system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you need that chemical. | ||
| Like, that's what they say about Amy Winehouse. | ||
| They found no drugs in her system and they think that she just quit drinking. | ||
| And if you're a really serious alcoholic and you just cut it off entirely, you can actually die from that. | ||
| Yeah, you go into convulsions. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Amy Winehouse, when she died, apparently, was just booze. | ||
| You know, and everybody looks at her and you think of her as this mess, you know, this awful drug addict, boozer, pill poppin', but really, you know... | ||
| It was alcohol. | ||
| Well, I love to drink. | ||
| I still drink a lot, but I would never wake up and drink. | ||
| I'm not condoning my type of drinking, but man, when you wake up and have a couple shots, that's hurting. | ||
| You're not going to last long doing that. | ||
| You're really putting your liver into overdrive. | ||
| Amy Winehouse was talented as fuck, though. | ||
| Goddamn, she could sing. | ||
| She had such a sultry voice. | ||
| But do you ever hear about people not talented? | ||
| Because nobody cares. | ||
| I mean, it's like, look at all the great people that died at 27. Like the people from the 60s. | ||
| Joplin, Hendrix, Morrison. | ||
| All three of them died at 27. Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 27, man. | ||
| I was a baby at 27. I was so stupid. | ||
| All I did was play basketball. | ||
| I wasn't even a comedian yet. | ||
| Well, I think we missed that generation, that Hendrix and Janis Joplin generation. | ||
| If you talk to anybody that went through that, they say that the change from the time of their parents to them was so massive and it was so much different than anything this culture had ever seen before. | ||
| It was a revolutionary change. | ||
| And that was all fueled by drugs. | ||
| All of that. | ||
| That was marijuana and LSD, specifically. | ||
| That's what was changing all those people. | ||
| That's why they came up with that sweeping psychedelic act in 1970 that made everything illegal. | ||
| They didn't even have to have proof of bioavailability. | ||
| They made some stuff illegal that doesn't even affect you. | ||
| It doesn't even work. | ||
| Acid was legal before that, right? | ||
| Yeah, acid was legal. | ||
| Psychiatrists used to give people... | ||
| Cary Grant used to take acid in therapy. | ||
| Wow, that's heavy. | ||
| Supposedly, according to McKenna, the federal government originally came up when they found out about acid. | ||
| They thought it was going to be a truth serum. | ||
| They thought they were going to be able to give it to the enemy, grab him, hook him up with acid, and then they would tell him all the coordinates for the enemy bases. | ||
| And then they found out it was not a truth serum. | ||
| There's no fucking way this is a truth serum. | ||
| Did you ever take it? | ||
| No. | ||
| So then they decided that it was going to be something that they would give their soldiers in case they ever got caught. | ||
| So you wouldn't tell the truth. | ||
| But could you fucking imagine? | ||
| You're in war, okay? | ||
| You're some poor kid. | ||
| You've been shipped off to Germany. | ||
| You've got a machine gun in your hand. | ||
| People are shooting at you. | ||
| Bullets are whizzing overhead. | ||
| And you get captured. | ||
| Well, how fucking terrified are you? | ||
| You're shit in your pants. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm getting captured by the Nazis. | ||
| And then you take acid. | ||
| Like, was there ever worse advice ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I mean, proof positive that the government is not looking out for your best interests? | ||
| They give you fucking acid to take when you get it captured by enemy? | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Well, that was always like a paranoia of mine, is getting somebody to put something in my drink. | ||
| Should be. | ||
| There's a lot of assholes out there. | ||
| I never leave but drink in a bar. | ||
| I never, you know, I always tell, especially women, don't trust anybody unless somebody loves you, you know? | ||
| I've talked to many people that believe that they were drugged. | ||
| Many people. | ||
| I think that there's a lot of guys out there that do that on a regular basis. | ||
| It's one of the most disgusting things about men. | ||
| It's this thing that you keep hearing about. | ||
| I'm sure it happens that women do it too. | ||
| Whether to other women or whether to men. | ||
| But I hear about it with men doing it to women a lot. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Someone would be willing to do that. | ||
| That they're such a fucking sociopath that they're willing to drug someone. | ||
| And who wants to be with somebody who's just asleep? | ||
| I mean, I guess it's a different kind of... | ||
| They just wanted... | ||
| I think part of it is they know they're doing something evil. | ||
| I think part of it is they know they're getting away with something. | ||
| And they just want to do it because it's a crazy rush. | ||
| I was thinking about that with rape. | ||
| There was a woman who was raped in the Lower East Side. | ||
| Not of her body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe I went there. | |
| That's not funny, Tom. | ||
| Stop laughing. | ||
| It is funny, Joe. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's quick. | ||
| But anyway, I was thinking about how the fuck do you stay hard? | ||
| I mean, it's got to be just anger and violence because it can't be sex or anything because... | ||
| How do you stay hard when you're hurting somebody? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| For some people. | ||
| And how do you, you know, take their clothes off and fucking... | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think some people just have a horrible view of humanity, of themselves, of other people, you know, that... | ||
| And it almost all comes down to if you're willing to do that to somebody else like that, you don't love yourself. | ||
| You don't love yourself. | ||
| You haven't been treated with love. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| If you want to hurt someone, scare them and put terror in them, and that somehow or another gives you joy or gives you some sort of a rush, and you're willing to sacrifice this person's safety and health, you don't understand the connection between human beings. | ||
| You've been raised in a terrible way. | ||
| Whatever's happened to you along the way is a disaster. | ||
| You're a fucking terrifying aspect of society. | ||
| How different we can be programmed. | ||
| You could react like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, think about all the different... | ||
| Variables when it comes to creating a human being. | ||
| If you get abused, that's the big one. | ||
| People that have been abused and the recidivism rate for people that were raped themselves. | ||
| The way that they turn to violent and violent sexuality, it's really common. | ||
| And then the people that do it, the people that abuse kids or abuse anybody, the real issue is they don't seem to get better. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| They always have that desire. | ||
| They had this guy on a talk show once, and he was talking about it. | ||
| He was a reformed sex predator. | ||
| He did time and all that jazz, and he would just talk about how when the thoughts come up, he just fights them back. | ||
| Well, he was reformed, because a lot of them say that they can't be reformed. | ||
| Well, he says he can't... | ||
| I mean, he's controlling it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, I mean, the fact is he's also admitting that he has these feelings all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a fucked up thing. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| I mean, we want to hate and we want to judge and, you know, it is an awful, awful aspect of humanity. | ||
| But, just strictly scientifically, like, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was molested, definitely. | |
| Most likely, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%, I would not say. | |
| Yeah, most likely. | ||
| Unless there's something else wrong in the development of the mind, some blood got cut off to the wrong area. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
| But fuck, man. | ||
| That's a terrible combination. | ||
| We must figure out how to eliminate that. | ||
| If you eliminate it, if you look at all the... | ||
| Look at the 180 degrees of possibilities of people. | ||
| From really nice people to really fucking evil people. | ||
| The really evil is a small number. | ||
| If you could just eliminate all the really fucked up shit people do. | ||
| Like murder and rape. | ||
| If you could just take away murder and rape. | ||
| Just those two. | ||
| Murder, rape, and robbery. | ||
| I can understand murder more than rape. | ||
| Well, I can understand it, yeah. | ||
| Especially, you know, when you hear about how hot people get just in a row at a movie theater. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, a guy shoots a guy for texting, you know, and whatever words were exchanged. | ||
| But yeah, but if you could eliminate just that small amount, boy would things be different, man. | ||
| If you could just figure out a way to not develop rapists, not grow up murderers, not like, you know, if we could just figure out how to do that. | ||
| Just those things that none of us have done. | ||
| Just those things that most of our friends haven't done. | ||
| Just take those, you know, just those rare occurrences and eliminate them or drastically reduce them. | ||
| The whole world would be different. | ||
| Remember that comedian Vince something, Vince Champ? | ||
| Yeah, the one who was the rapist? | ||
| Yeah, and he would go into... | ||
| Colleges. | ||
| Colleges, but also the pattern seemed to be he'd go into the music department where it was soundproof, the room, and the girl would be playing piano. | ||
| You know, some practicing piano, and that's what he would do. | ||
| You know, he had the whole thing down. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was his name? | |
| Vince Champ? | ||
| I think it was Vince Champ. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's his name. | ||
| Because on the wall, the Austin Club, Cap City, they used to have this Vince Champ joke. | ||
| I forget what the joke was. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It was very distasteful about, like, when he got arrested for rape. | ||
| There's some joke about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a long way from a DUI. Yeah, well, it's also like a really creepy thing that this guy was doing. | |
| He was doing it over and over again. | ||
| He was telling them to pray for him. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he would rape these girls and tell them to pray for him. | ||
| Was that the right name? | ||
| Right, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks like it, yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White guy or black guy? | |
| Black guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, there's all these reports saying, like, he was a nice guy, everyone said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was down to earth. | ||
| He's a fairly religious fellow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's still in jail. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He'll be in jail for a while. | ||
| Yeah, they keep you in jail for a long time when you're a serial rapist. | ||
| I mean, how long is he in jail for? | ||
| Let me write that down along with my comedy club. | ||
| It's got to be more than 25 years, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Convicted of rape, kidnapping, and robbery. | |
| He stole, too? | ||
| That wasn't enough? | ||
| And we're not just talking jokes, Dom. | ||
| He probably took like little pieces of things from them or something. | ||
| Oftentimes people supposedly do that. | ||
| They take little pieces of something from you that connects them like as a trophy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Several rapes of the music, like playing the piano exactly. | |
| So awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nineteen year old. | |
| He was convicted and given life sentences for two assaults in Iowa. | ||
| With time served for Goodby Harry, he could be released in 2025. He will be 64 years old. | ||
| How is life 2025? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they do that? | |
| Yeah, life doesn't really mean life anymore. | ||
| It's like 30 years is life. | ||
| Well, they're too busy putting people in jail for pot, so there's no fucking room. | ||
| Do you hear what they're doing with the people in Denver? | ||
| They're not letting them use banks? | ||
| Weed is legal. | ||
| They're selling weed. | ||
| They made over a million dollars in the first day, and the government says you can't put your money in the bank. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, the people that are selling the weed? | |
| Exactly. | ||
| The people that are owning these pot shops. | ||
| So this isn't doctors or anything, like California? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This is stores. | ||
| This is just like in Amsterdam, then? | ||
| Well, it's just like anything else that's in a store. | ||
| It's like selling tents or fucking microphone arms. | ||
| It's whatever. | ||
| You're selling a product. | ||
| But the fact that this is available for sale and they have licenses and they start selling it in retail outlets, but the government says you can't put your money in a bank. | ||
| So they run into some serious danger because you're talking about massive amounts of cash. | ||
| But they probably had a lot of cash before it was legal. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Why would you think so? | ||
| I mean, some people are just people that took a chance and started a business. | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't pay with credit cards for when they sold pot on the streets. | ||
| Any dealers, you know. | ||
| Well, how do you know that they were dealers before this happened? | ||
| Oh, I don't. | ||
| See, now that it's legal in the state, this is like a protected business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's a business. | ||
| I mean, it's a real legal business. | ||
| They have a license to do it and everything. | ||
| So it becomes a weird thing when you don't let those people put the money in the bank. | ||
| Because you're creating a really dangerous situation. | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| Yeah, it's really dangerous. | ||
| I never thought the legality of a part made sense. | ||
| And I don't even smoke because I have no agenda. | ||
| It's just such a stupid thing. | ||
| I mean, compared to anything else. | ||
| Well, it shows you how the government is not looking out for your best interests. | ||
| If they're willing to take these people who are doing something that they voted on and they deem lawful and take these people and put them in a weird situation where they can't put their money in a bank, you're being a bully. | ||
| You're being a cunty, shitty bully and it doesn't make sense. | ||
| You're not protecting anybody with this. | ||
| This is actually putting people in danger. | ||
| So what do you do? | ||
| You're not going to arrest them. | ||
| You're going to agree that the state says it's legal and states' rights, as we all agreed on when they formed this silly country, states' rights are supposed to take precedent. | ||
| It's supposed to be the number one thing and then The federal government is only in charge in times of crisis and emergency and war. | ||
| But you're supposed to be able to vote on things in your states. | ||
| That's the whole premise. | ||
| It's like a little spite move. | ||
| It's a cunt move. | ||
| It's a total cunt move. | ||
| And it's not just a cunt move. | ||
| It's nerve-wracking. | ||
| It's like you're forcing these people to stockpile money. | ||
| If they want to be in business, they have to take bags of money out of there. | ||
| Anybody can just rob them at any point in time, and you know it, and they know it. | ||
| And so you put them in this situation where they become targets, and it's a really sneaky way of being a cunt. | ||
| But you would think that they would want the money to become part of the system, because everybody makes more money, you know? | ||
| Someone's resisting, and they think somehow or another, as they lose ground over and over and over again, they're going to do this one thing that's going to be good and get them back to the victory column. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| There's too much information now. | ||
| It's not gonna work anymore. | ||
| You can't do it anymore. | ||
| You can't tell us that we can't do something that's normal and natural. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with pot. | ||
| If you tell us we can't put money in the bank because we sell pot, then we tell you, what fucking bank? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Who runs this bank? | ||
| How can you decide what the fuck happens in this bank? | ||
| Is the government and the bank connected? | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| How can you make this decision? | ||
| Who owns the money? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, why can't someone who's legally making it put it in a bank? | ||
| What are you trying to pull here? | ||
| Well, you're doing a business move is what you're doing. | ||
| You're blocking someone out of business. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| The government, though. | ||
| Suppose they sell pot and shrubbery, right? | ||
| So they're making the money. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Who dictates which money came from the pot? | ||
| Well, you'll have to have receipts. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom Herrera, Accountant 101. Smart as a whip, Joe. | |
| Yeah, that's why, you know, you can't deduct everything. | ||
| If you deduct too much, the government goes after you. | ||
| Just in spite. | ||
| And then they go after your ass. | ||
| They'll peak up your ass every four years. | ||
| Like, I remember when, before they had to claim stuff, and I was a valet in Brooklyn. | ||
| We would make so much fucking money. | ||
| I had a suitcase full of ones. | ||
| It looked like I robbed the dollar store. | ||
| It was the greatest. | ||
| Now, waiters and waitresses have to claim everything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that was a great world in the 80s before it all changed. | ||
| They came down hard on them. | ||
| On tips? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever work for tips, Joe? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I worked at a car wash. | ||
| You got paid in tips there. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| A couple different places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Limo driver, kind of. | |
| Limo driver, yeah. | ||
| You got tips as a limo driver. | ||
| But, you know... | ||
| It's not the big part of it. | ||
| You never had a waiter though? | ||
| No, I never worked as a waiter. | ||
| I worked as a cook a couple places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I worked as a cook at a Papa Gino's in Massachusetts and a place called Newport Creamery. | ||
| That's gotta be fucking hard. | ||
| Cheeseburgers and shit. | ||
| I was a kid in high school. | ||
| It was a good gig. | ||
| Everyone was fucking everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| There was these hot girls that worked at Newport Creamery and me and a couple other savages, these guys. | ||
| And we were all coming into puberty. | ||
| Everybody was like 16, 17. We were all coming into... | ||
| I shouldn't even say puberty. | ||
| We were becoming young adults and men. | ||
| And everybody was fucking. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| It was like this constant hookup. | ||
| It was like all this gossip. | ||
| You don't think of people working flipping cheeseburgers getting laid. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was all high school kids. | ||
| It was a complete, utter orgy. | ||
| It was the girl who worked at the counter would blow you, and this guy was trying to bang everybody, and this guy didn't give a fuck, and this girl fucked these three guys one night. | ||
| She got hammered. | ||
| It was craziness. | ||
| There's a girl at the left factory that really wants to fuck you. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Yeah, and I told her. | ||
| Last night, she's asked me. | ||
| Let's not talk about this on the air. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Everything's cool. | ||
| I told her you're married and happy and love your family, so I said leave them alone. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| Goddamn wolves. | ||
| They're out there. | ||
| I think it would be way creepier if you were a chick, though. | ||
| If you were a famous chick that a bunch of guys wanted to fuck, that would be very unnerving. | ||
| That shit would be unnerving. | ||
| Amy Schumer? | ||
| Is that her name, Amy Schumer? | ||
| Yeah, oh, the comedian? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Were you saying a lot of guys want to fuck her? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Do you want to fuck her? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's a weird time for a confession. | ||
| I feel better now. | ||
| I've got it off my mind. | ||
| Where did that come from? | ||
| All of a sudden, you're talking about Amy Schumer. | ||
| You ever whack one off to Amy Schumer? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You ever whack one off to Amy Schumer? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't, dude. | ||
| I don't whack off to individuals. | ||
| Groups. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have like a wall and you have female comedians. | |
| Sarah Silverman. | ||
| Blue singers. | ||
| Janine Garofalo. | ||
| No, I'm not Janine Garofalo. | ||
| I like women. | ||
| Oh, how dare you, Tom Herrera. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| She's the unfunniest. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I worked in Montreal for fucking years, and one thing she has is balls and she's a good actress, but I have never seen anybody suck the energy out of a room. | ||
| You know how, remember the club soda? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And she is so fucking strong a woman, but she's so fucking, she was so bad that they didn't know what, I saw people like trying to think of something funny that happened to them that day, so maybe they could smile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| And she died so badly, and she turns to me, and it's like almost in slow motion, like a twilight zone. | ||
| She goes, Dom, did you give me the light? | ||
| I go, Janine, I don't give lights. | ||
| I'm just hosting the show. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| You want to come off? | ||
| She goes, no, I'll stay. | ||
| I'll stay and fucking die for three more minutes. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Well, she's a person that... | ||
| She's very smart, obviously. | ||
| She's very opinionated. | ||
| She was a good radio host. | ||
| She was on that Air America show. | ||
| She's a snotty fuck. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| Yeah, she's smart. | ||
| But I think in that intelligence, you can sometimes be really caught up in it and take yourself super seriously. | ||
| And then when you do, a lot of times you lose your sense of humor. | ||
| She was so rude to me. | ||
| I did Marc Maron's podcast in Austin, and she was on, and she said they were talking about some terrorist thing, and I just, I said, oh, that, you know, I named the wrong guy, right? | ||
| I was just, like, not paying attention. | ||
| Her and Norton and these people, she goes, is he serious? | ||
| Is he serious? | ||
| Like, I wasn't there. | ||
| Is he serious? | ||
| I just wanted to fucking throttle her, and I just was nice, and when I went on stage with her, I was fine. | ||
| That's a very Hollywood move of... | ||
| What? | ||
| Is he serious? | ||
| Is he serious? | ||
| Well, you interrupted their really exciting talk about obscure shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or political shit. | ||
| Or world leaders that they think need to be addressed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get angry if people are not on the same page, you know? | ||
| I think it's funny when I talk to someone and they don't even know what the fuck Twitter is. | ||
| I think it's funny. | ||
| I don't get angry at them. | ||
| I don't feel like, you don't know Twitter. | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| What you know is what you know. | ||
| I mean, look, I know a lot about sports. | ||
| You don't follow the NFL like I do. | ||
| But I would never be like, you know, come on, Joe, how could you not know that? | ||
| The only thing I could see that would be annoying is if you were interrupting. | ||
| If it was like a really important conversation for them and they thought they were really getting at a good point. | ||
| And you were cracking some joke about the wrong guy. | ||
| No, I didn't do that. | ||
| I just was asking, was that the guy? | ||
| And that's what she said. | ||
| It was the guy who was the president of Iran they were talking about. | ||
| People take themselves really seriously. | ||
| But I've done that before. | ||
| I've taken myself too seriously before. | ||
| Or getting too caught up in an idea before. | ||
| The point where you think it's more important than just being a person. | ||
| Yeah, but part of that is what makes you such a fucking hilarious comedian. | ||
| Because your point of view... | ||
| It's unobstructed. | ||
| Once you believe in something, that's it. | ||
| And I like that just kind of commitment to it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, like the things about the universe and when you get into certain things, I don't know how much you really know, but it's almost like you're preaching, but not in a bad way, not in a pedantic way, but just in a way like, holy shit. | ||
| I think that's why you have so many fans, because you're so fucking strong in your beliefs. | ||
| Some more people waver than you. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| When we talk about things like the universe or just the realities of this strange dimension that we exist in. | ||
| We have that same thought about the Earth's orbit and we have no control over it. | ||
| Because I told you that agoraphobic thing that I have where I will walk onto the beach and be afraid I'll be sucked into the atmosphere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's fucking wacky. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like I'd be the first one since the Blessed Mother that ascended into heaven. | ||
| You know, you're just laying on the beach and all of a sudden I'm fucking shooting up into the sky. | ||
| That's a weird fear. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But... | ||
| I always carry anchors with me to the beach. | ||
| We're so lucky that this is a time where you could go on to just, you know, space.com or any io9.com. | ||
| There's a million different websites that could show you these crazy videos of the universe and crazy new things they're discovering every day. | ||
| I think this would be a shame to not, like, take part in the wonder of that all. | ||
| Because it's all going on right now. | ||
| And the revelations that these guys are figuring out on a, you know, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis are fucking incredible. | ||
| They just took a photograph of a planet and a star. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| 60-something million light years away. | ||
| But it's already burned out, but we just got the light from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's already gone in reality, but it took so long for the light to get here, we just got it. | ||
| That hurts my brain! | ||
| That hurts my brain. | ||
| When you're looking at a star, you're seeing a star that may be already gone. | ||
| Well, the thing that fucks me up is that there's no end to the universe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm used to an end, like the end of the trail, the end of this, the end of a relationship, some kind of fucking end. | ||
| But there's no end to the enormity of space. | ||
| That blows me away. | ||
| Well, not only is there no end to it, this is what they're saying now. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense to me, but they believe that the universe may be broken down into individual sizes, but then these individual universes exist in parallel with a bunch of other, like infinite number of individual universes. | ||
| So what they think is that this is impossible for me to even understand, so I shouldn't even be relaying it, but this is how it's been explained. | ||
| Inside every black hole, they think, is the portal to another universe. | ||
| Inside every galaxy is a black hole. | ||
| So when you look out, you see 100 million galaxies. | ||
| What you're seeing is 100 million universes. | ||
| And each side, each galaxy, if you go through the black hole... | ||
| Do they quaff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| They probably do. | ||
| And somewhere on those planets, imagine if Tiffany Haddish was the first person to queef into a microphone in the universe. | ||
| Queef. | ||
| In the whole universe. | ||
| Quaff. | ||
| Maybe that's what brings the aliens here. | ||
| We never thought of that. | ||
| We can do that. | ||
| We never thought of that. | ||
| Not into a mic, at least. | ||
| This is truly groundbreaking, this American art form of stand-up comedy. | ||
| So what they're saying is it's like a fractal. | ||
| You know what a fractal is? | ||
| You ever seen a fractal image? | ||
| No. | ||
| A fractal image is a geometric image that as you get closer and closer and smaller and smaller and closer in, you realize that the same image repeats itself over and over and over again infinitely. | ||
| One of the more fascinating ones is called the Mandelbrot set. | ||
| Google Mandelbrot set fractal. | ||
| Video, because there's a video where they show how it works. | ||
| First of all, it looks like a design. | ||
| You just look at it, it's like, okay, it's just some weird design. | ||
| It looks like a logo for a cartoon or something like that. | ||
| Just some weird design. | ||
| But then as you get closer and closer to this design, it branches out. | ||
| All along the edges are not smooth, and around the edges are in fact... | ||
| The exact same pattern of the Mandelbrot set, the way it looks on the outside, and then as you get closer in, you see it again, and closer in, you see it more. | ||
| It never ends. | ||
| It's infinite. | ||
| Like, what do you got there? | ||
| Mandelbrot set. | ||
| You see that thing to the right of it? | ||
| See that thing to the right? | ||
| The black one? | ||
| That's the Mandelbrot set. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The one above it. | ||
| The one above that. | ||
| See that one? | ||
| The black one? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| The black one. | ||
| That's the Mandelbrot set. | ||
| Fractals are fascinating, man, because they're able to create these things with computers that didn't exist 50 years ago. | ||
| Actually, I don't even know when they invented fractals. | ||
| I think it might have been even more recently than 50 years ago. | ||
| But the idea behind them all is that they're infinite. | ||
| That as you go deeper into the macro, you see that this pattern repeats itself over and over again. | ||
| This is the best way to describe it. | ||
| A fractal is a mathematical set that typically displays self-similar patterns, which means that they are the same from near as far. | ||
| Often they have an irregular or fractured appearance, but not always. | ||
| Fractals may be exactly the same at every scale Or, as illustrated in Figure 1, they may be nearly the same at different scales. | ||
| The definition of fractal goes beyond self-similarity. | ||
| Anyway, what they think is that the universe is like this. | ||
| I think that inside every black hole is a whole other universe. | ||
| Not only is it infinite, but it might even have its own laws. | ||
| It may have its own physical laws of movement and weight and gravity and light and all those things might be different. | ||
| It might be off. | ||
| It might be a completely different existence. | ||
| And then inside those universes are hundreds of billions of galaxies. | ||
| And inside them, hundreds of billions of infinite new universes. | ||
| I always think of that when they say, you know, we're searching for a place that has water so they can have life. | ||
| But how do we know that there can't be different kinds of lives that don't depend on water? | ||
| It all hurts my head. | ||
| It all hurts my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's why I'm a comedian, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| Is this thing on? | ||
| It really does hurt my head when I start thinking about that each galaxy would actually be infinite. | ||
| Like they'll say that even though maybe the universe is 15 billion light years across, it's still infinite. | ||
| Because even though it's impossible to measure... | ||
| A billion light years. | ||
| Yeah, 15 billion light years. | ||
| Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. | ||
| A billion of that. | ||
| And 15 billion. | ||
| I mean, that's the idea, is that the Big Bang occurred 14-something billion years ago, and from then on, it's just been this expansion, this slow expansion to what we are today. | ||
| So what club are you working this week? | ||
| I'm not working. | ||
| I'm going pig hunting. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| With Callan? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Steve Rinella. | ||
| We're not filming this. | ||
| We're just going to go shoot some wild boars. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I'm totally serious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You've got this whole alternate life, man. | ||
| Well, I'm very excited about this little hunting thing. | ||
| I've become obsessed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should get a GoPro, man. | |
| I would really like to see, like, you know, you can get a GoPro that attaches to your chest or your helmet or whatever. | ||
| With a rifle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The GoPro on the rifle would be the way to go, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You see the bullet come out. | ||
| I wonder if you can do that. | ||
| Where do you go pig hunting? | ||
| There's a ranch. | ||
| We're going to a ranch in Northern California. | ||
| And they put the pigs out there? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're wild. | ||
| Oh, they're wild? | ||
| They're wild boars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, they're these crazy-looking monster animals. | ||
| You ever seen a wild boar? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen them. | ||
| Well, wild boars are one of the few animals you can hunt all year round because they have to keep the population in check. | ||
| If they don't keep the population in check, the results are disastrous. | ||
| A perfect example is they opened up a highway in Texas. | ||
| The night they opened it up, there was some insane number, like 40 accidents, car accidents where people hit pigs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because they're fucking everywhere. | ||
| Texas has an insane amount of pigs. | ||
| Insane amount, and they're really out of control to the point where they eradicate them through helicopters. | ||
| They have helicopters that fly over herds and just gun them all down. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Now, do you eat them? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, they're delicious. | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| They're really tasty, and they're, you know, of course, depending on what they're eating. | ||
| If you get pigs that are near people, you're going to get pigs that, you know, they might be eating some garbage. | ||
| They might get ahold of some people. | ||
| But if you're having pigs that are living out in the wild, They're sort of omnivores. | ||
| They'll eat some meat, they'll eat grasses, they'll eat plants, they'll eat vegetables. | ||
| They eat a lot of things, but they're super lean, and they're fucking mean looking. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is a guy named Caleb that I met in Austin, and this is his dogs attacking a wild boar that got on his farm, I believe it was. | ||
| Okay, I don't want to see this, man. | ||
| I don't want to see this. | ||
| This is gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| There's one way they hunt them, man. | ||
| They use dogs. | ||
| And they sick dogs on them, and the dogs hold them in place, and then they come along and cut the pig's throat. | ||
| When I say they, not this ranch. | ||
| They do that in Hawaii a lot, and they do that in Texas a lot. | ||
| They use dogs. | ||
| The dogs hold the pig down, and then they stab them. | ||
| It's really kind of fucking crazy. | ||
| I think that shooting an animal is probably the most ethical way. | ||
| I mean, period of ending an animal's life. | ||
| If you're going to eat meat, even if you're buying meat that's in a store, you're dealing with the fact that that animal was a fucking slave. | ||
| That animal was just sitting around waiting for its death from the moment it was alive. | ||
| But if you're getting an animal in the wild, you're dealing with something that is completely off the grid. | ||
| And then you're stepping into its world for a bit and taking something out of it. | ||
| And eating that. | ||
| And that's going to be your food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, with him, the pigs were attacking his property and his dogs found him. | |
| The dogs were just walking around and the pig attacked the dogs. | ||
| Yeah, they'll kill your dogs. | ||
| They'll kill your dogs. | ||
| Will they go after a person? | ||
| They'll kill people. | ||
| If you have them in a pen, that's a really common thing with pigs. | ||
| By the way, these wild pigs, according to Steve Rinella, even wild boars, it's essentially the same animal. | ||
| They can interbreed. | ||
| They breed back and forth with each other. | ||
| There's different strains, but they're essentially the same animal. | ||
| But if you keep domestic pigs and you fall in when you're feeding them, good luck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they might eat you. | ||
| They might just bite the fucking shit out of you. | ||
| And once they bite you and they find out that they can eat you, they don't care about you. | ||
| They're gonna keep eating you. | ||
| They're gonna hold you down and fucking eat you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And no evidence. | |
| Yeah, they'll eat everything. | ||
| They'll eat your goddamn teeth. | ||
| They'll eat everything. | ||
| They'll smash everything up. | ||
| They're fucking monsters, man. | ||
| And they taste delicious. | ||
| Nothing like bacon. | ||
| Well, in the South, they have a lot of the wild boars and the domestic hogs. | ||
| They're like sort of interbreeding. | ||
| And they're making these giant fucking wild pigs. | ||
| Have you ever seen or heard of Hogzilla? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, pull up the image of Hogzilla. | ||
| You won't even believe this is a real animal. | ||
| They're having these pigs that are like the size of cows. | ||
| Like a normal pig, you know, they get pretty big. | ||
| You know, domestic pigs, they get pretty huge. | ||
| I think they can get a thousand pounds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But these fucking things are ridiculous. | ||
| Look at the size of that. | ||
| That's a perspective one. | ||
| There's one where it's hanging upside down. | ||
| That's not the Hogzilla one either. | ||
| That's a different large wild boar. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Okay, that guy's standing right behind that fucking thing. | ||
| He's not too far away. | ||
| See, because his foot is parallel to the paw of the pig. | ||
| So the argument that this is like a perspective shot I think fades away because that guy's touching that thing. | ||
| That's a big fucking animal. | ||
| Now, is there a chance you'd come across some of them? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's like a Deep South thing. | ||
| That's a Georgia thing. | ||
| They've had that in... | ||
| That is fucking freaky, man. | ||
| I think Georgia's where they've gotten the biggest ones. | ||
| So that's because of a certain kind of breeding. | ||
| They breed them, huh? | ||
| Well, the wild pigs and the domestic pigs are breeding. | ||
| And then sometimes if they get out, they can get really big. | ||
| I mean, who knows what it could be? | ||
| It could be that... | ||
| I'm just guessing. | ||
| But it could be that someone fucked around with genetics. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, Damarera. | ||
| That is a huge animal. | ||
| Don't tell me it's fast, too. | ||
| Oh, they run. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, they run fast. | ||
| And they're muscular as shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| They're notoriously tough. | ||
| But the flesh is really lean and really good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine the wake. | |
| Imagine the olgy, the guy who got killed by a pig. | ||
| It's not the first. | ||
| People trying not to laugh. | ||
| I wouldn't think people would be laughing, Dom. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. | ||
| Someone lost their life. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Yeah, but to a pig. | ||
| Look at that fucking pig. | ||
| Tell me you don't think that pig would take you out? | ||
| That pig was running after you? | ||
| Joe, I don't know if you know how nimble I am. | ||
| Well, your tongue is very... | ||
| I shouldn't have taken that Xanax. | ||
| Yeah, pigs are giant. | ||
| They can get really big. | ||
| Real aggressive. | ||
| And they have, um, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's just mixing with the pig photos. | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| Um, anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, pig hunting. | ||
| That's what I'm doing this weekend. | ||
| Where are you working? | ||
| Tampa. | ||
| Side splitters. | ||
| Sorry about the shameless plug. | ||
| No worries, man. | ||
| It's ineffective. | ||
| I won't do it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you staying at a ranch? | |
| Are you camping? | ||
| No, I'm doing... | ||
| I stay at a hotel. | ||
| Oh, are you talking to Joe? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I stay at a ranch. | ||
| Should be fascinating. | ||
| Who are you going with? | ||
| This guy, Steve Rinella. | ||
| He's going to be on the podcast Friday. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Is he an expert on this stuff? | ||
| Yeah, he's a hunter. | ||
| He has a TV show called Meat Eater. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I'll have to check it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exciting stuff. | ||
| What's it on, Discovery? | ||
| No, Meat Eater is on the Sportsman's Network, I think. | ||
| They've got so many fucking networks. | ||
| You know they have a military network? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all just people shooting shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that in the Hitler network? | ||
| Well, that's history. | ||
| That's what they called it. | ||
| Well, history is all like shitty reality shows. | ||
| They're like moonshiners. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, on the History Channel, they show Hitler more than anything. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Well, every time I turn it on, yeah. | ||
| History seems to be more like reality shows now than anything. | ||
| They're all giving up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's almost like you have to have reality shows on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you try to put Nova on every night and fucking science documentaries, people just go click, next, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They want to watch some rednecks. | ||
| Yeah, what's that, Duck Dynasty? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen Moonshiners? | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| It's the dumbest one of all time. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| It's the most fake, dumbest one of all time. | ||
| Because cops are looking into the car. | ||
| Like, they're shooting this from the car. | ||
| The cop's looking into the fucking car. | ||
| There's a television camera, and the cop doesn't bring it up. | ||
| The cop's like, so where are you off to? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| He's looking into the car, at the fucking camera, and he's not going, what's the camera? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| And no one says, well, we're here shooting a TV show. | ||
| That never comes up. | ||
| No one ever says we're shooting a TV show. | ||
| So these cops are lying. | ||
| Everyone's lying. | ||
| They're all fakers. | ||
| They're just staring at the camera. | ||
| I wonder if they do another take... | ||
| They probably do. | ||
| They're fucking selling moonshine. | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it was moonshine, they would all be arrested. | |
| There would be no show. | ||
| I mean, what they're saying is that they have these backyard stills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They make moonshine. | ||
| So I think now what they're trying to do is say that it's all fiction and that everything has been legal and nothing illegal. | ||
| It's only water in those stills and it's all just... | ||
| But why do they even have moonshine when alcohol is legal? | ||
| Because they want to make their own. | ||
| They don't want to have to put a tax stamp on it. | ||
| They want to be able to make it super potent. | ||
| You should be able to make moonshine just like you should be able to make beer. | ||
| You can get absinthe now, can't you? | ||
| I think you can get absinthe in certain dosages. | ||
| We're in Ireland, and Mitch Hedberg said to me, he goes, Dom, I've been sober all day. | ||
| I go, good for you, Mitch. | ||
| I love Mitch. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, because I want to do absinthe tonight, and I want to see what it's like from zero to 100. So the only reason he was staying sober was to see how fucked up he got on furniture polish, basically. | ||
| It's not furniture polish. | ||
| It's like alcohol. | ||
| Absinthe is like alcohol. | ||
| Have you ever had it? | ||
| Yeah, I've had it a couple times. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Is it too strong? | ||
| It's a weird feeling. | ||
| It's like a cousin of drunk. | ||
| It's like drunks next door neighbor. | ||
| You don't hallucinate. | ||
| You're all partying in the same party, but there's a fence between them. | ||
| No, there's no hallucination. | ||
| It's just like being drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a weird drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tastes weird. | |
| It's like black licorice-ish. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not so sure I like it. | ||
| Did you drink a shot or like a real... | ||
| Oh, I had several. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, I had it a long time ago in Canada. | ||
| That was the first time I ever did it. | ||
| I never see you drunk. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty smart about that. | ||
| It's not a good thing to do. | ||
| No, not really driving that beautiful car you have. | ||
| Well, that I don't do definitely, but getting drunk, period, in public? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We should get drunk at your house some night. | ||
| You want to get drunk? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| I want to smoke pot. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| Well, let's do it. | ||
| What we should do is... | ||
| I want to smoke pot in a safe thing. | ||
| We should get drunk on the podcast and you should smoke pot as well. | ||
| That'll be our next podcast. | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, we got a plan. | |
| We can do it right now. | ||
| You got two hours. | ||
| We don't even. | ||
| We don't even. | ||
| It's 1.30. | ||
| And Dom Herrera is not a man who likes to do things impulsively. | ||
| He likes to plan things. | ||
| He likes to schedule it in advance. | ||
| I was talking about you last night about what a fucking animal you are. | ||
| You can't just shoot pool with Joe for an hour. | ||
| It's got to be three hours. | ||
| Everything he does. | ||
| I said, I feel bad for his wife. | ||
| She's got to be tough. | ||
| I'm obsessive. | ||
| It's probably not healthy. | ||
| You've got a lot of energy, man. | ||
| I don't see where it hurts you. | ||
| You've got a great career. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Great life. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I think being obsessive, though, can definitely hurt if it gets out of control. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a matter of... | ||
| Channeling, like, obsessive thinking or the tendency to, like, follow things down to the ground, chase them down till they're dead. | ||
| But you've changed, Joe. | ||
| Like I told you, like, you know the thing about Michael Jordan, where they go, well, he didn't even beat his mother in ping pong, you know, whatever, he has to beat everybody and everything. | ||
| And I think, well, you know, there comes a point where he's an asshole. | ||
| Not that you were ever an asshole, because you never were, but you were so mad at yourself when we used to shoot pool and stuff. | ||
| Oh, I missed, yeah. | ||
| And you've lightened up considerably. | ||
| Well, I realized somewhere along the way that that's a very faulty way of thinking, and that that's all it is. | ||
| It's like being upset because you did something wrong doesn't make the doing something wrong better. | ||
| And just like outwardly expressing it, in fact, is indulgent. | ||
| And the really intelligent thing to do is to accept the fact that there's this shift in the way you feel because you're upset that something went wrong or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you've got to internalize that. | ||
| And that's part of being a man. | ||
| And being a spoiled little boy or a brash, young, cocky boy, people fucking get mad, throw things around when they're upset. | ||
| If they miss a shot, I mean, I've seen guys in pool tournaments miss a shot and snap their stick on the ground. | ||
| Well, yeah, I play with this guy, Harlan Jamison, he owns Bananas, and I don't know if you ever worked that club. | ||
| Poughkeepsie? | ||
| Yeah, Poughkeepsie. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that one. | ||
| Way back. | ||
| We'd be shooting pool, and he was a pretty good player, and he would bang the fucking stick on the table. | ||
| Bang the stick, and I'd go, Harlan, if you keep doing this, I'm out of here. | ||
| This is, like, fucking ridiculous. | ||
| And he did nothing against me, but it's just such ridiculous behavior. | ||
| It's not a man's behavior. | ||
| It's a child's behavior. | ||
| I mean, you never did that. | ||
| You would just get mad at yourself. | ||
| I would know it was always a lack of concentration. | ||
| There's shots that you miss where you know you just didn't hit it right, but there's also shots that you miss where you know it was a fairly makeable shot, but you took it for granted. | ||
| And you're like, fucking idiot! | ||
| Those are the angry ones. | ||
| It wasn't misses. | ||
| It was more of lapses of concentration than I was really upset at myself for. | ||
| But yeah, that shit doesn't do you any good. | ||
| No, it's wasteless energy. | ||
| Yeah, now I just internalize, or I try very hard to just internalize. | ||
| But that's just a factor of getting older and smarter. | ||
| Yeah, you hope. | ||
| It doesn't happen to everybody. | ||
| I know, that's the saddest thing, when you find dudes that you didn't talk to in a long time and they've regressed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They become more delusional or more complainy. | ||
| A lot of guys are complaining. | ||
| You haven't talked to them in a long time. | ||
| You talk to them in this overwhelming complaining attitude. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| I hear that all the time. | ||
| I got a friend who does cruise ships, and he doesn't like it. | ||
| He's got a family, and he does other stuff too, but he's always fucking whining. | ||
| I said, listen, man, you're making... | ||
| I said, look, you see this thing? | ||
| You see this car? | ||
| It was all bought through jokes. | ||
| You know how fucking hard some people work for nothing? | ||
| They can't get shit jobs. | ||
| I'm supposed to feel bad for you because you're going to Turkey? | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's a hard gig, though. | ||
| Oh, I wouldn't want to do it. | ||
| The cruise ship's a hard gig. | ||
| You're right, though. | ||
| It's definitely better than coal mining. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of people would be super happy to do it. | ||
| I love when people go, well, you do the hardest thing in the world. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the guy who discovered these, what you were just talking about, the mirror things? | ||
| Fractals? | ||
| Fractals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who the fuck does that? | ||
| What kind of mind? | ||
| Yeah, super smart science dudes that no one wants to fuck. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They got more time on their hands. | ||
| Once they start getting pussy thrown at them, their fucking science deteriorates drastically, you know? | ||
| This is all, like, you have to have no chance at pussy to be sitting in front of a computer banging this out. | ||
| Because there's some girls out there that would just rob you of all ambition. | ||
| Whenever I think of No Chance of Pussy, I always think of that bit you had. | ||
| You know, the one, the New Rules bit. | ||
| I always think of the guy. | ||
| What was the guy's name who she married? | ||
| He was in his 90s. | ||
| J. Howard Marshall. | ||
| J. Howard Marshall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No Chance of Pussy unless you're a trillionaire. | ||
| 1904, actually. | ||
| It was when fractals were invented. | ||
| I was way off. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| That's the earliest modifications. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, who the fuck are those guys? | ||
| We need those, though. | ||
| Think about the things that we use on a daily basis, like computers. | ||
| All the things we need. | ||
| I have no idea how any of that works. | ||
| Not only do we not understand how it works, but even if we did, even if we knew exactly how the operating system works, exactly how the memory is stored, which you can never make that thing. | ||
| You can never build it. | ||
| You can never invent it on your own. | ||
| That's why I can't make anything. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, not even you. | ||
| I mean, any of us. | ||
| It's fascinating how much of our society relies on things that almost no one understands. | ||
| I don't fucking understand plumbing. | ||
| I don't understand how you can get the same water pressure on the 10th floor as you have on the 2nd floor. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's madness. | ||
| This must be a river on the roof. | ||
| Yeah, water pressure is weird. | ||
| You ever have a root get into your pipes? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never had that happen? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| I had a root get into my pipes and grew a fucking tree. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I mean, when I tell you grew a tree- This house here right now? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| When I went to Colorado and I was gone for a while, When you flush the water, apparently there was these little tiny cracks in the pipe from the toilet down to the street. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| See that thing right there? | ||
| That was inside my toilet growing. | ||
| It looks like a muskrat, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That is a fucking root. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's the root of a tree. | ||
| So it got through, and then because there was all that water in there, it started growing like crazy. | ||
| And searching it, because that's what roots do. | ||
| They grow down towards where the water is and suck it out. | ||
| That's how they get moisture out of the ground. | ||
| So it cracked my pipe open and grew inside of it. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's not made up, that image. | ||
| I mean, if you're listening to this, it looks almost like an animal. | ||
| How do you find that? | ||
| Is it on Flickr? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan root pipe. | |
| Put that in your Blendtec right there. | ||
| Just Google Joe Rogan root pipe. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't do that because it's filled with poop. | ||
| That was fed by poop. | ||
| Poop and peep and water. | ||
| That thing grew like a weed. | ||
| Like a veritable weed. | ||
| I don't understand it either. | ||
| I got a new thing recently. | ||
| It's instant hot water. | ||
| They're tankless water systems. | ||
| So your water goes through this thing. | ||
| And it instantly turns hot. | ||
| You don't have a tank of water just sitting around getting hot. | ||
| That would be good for my sitz baths. | ||
| What's amazing is that you never run out of hot water. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| You got it in the house now? | ||
| Yeah, I just got it. | ||
| So if someone's using the water and you have a friend that takes a long shower, well, you go in after that person and you're fucked. | ||
| You're going to have to take a mediocre-ass shower because there's no hot water left. | ||
| With these things now, they have it so the water can go through it and it's always hot. | ||
| People will be coming over to your house to take beds. | ||
| That's my plan, my friend. | ||
| That's how you get them naked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So is it in one place in the house, or is it on every single faucet? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's in one place. | ||
| It's one area where the water comes in, and then it regulates it out from there. | ||
| Oh, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's one of the weirdest things ever. | ||
| It's just like, wait, what happens? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| So the water... | ||
| I mean, it's hot as fuck, too. | ||
| It's not like it's kind of hot. | ||
| It's kind of hot. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's boiling hot all the time, right out of the gate. | ||
| So it's weird. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck they do it. | ||
| Regular plumbers put that in, or is that like a specialty? | ||
| Regular plumbers. | ||
| Yeah, it's something they put in now. | ||
| It's a normal thing. | ||
| And, you know, a lot of people, especially where we live, are going full solar. | ||
| Because you can go full solar where you don't even have to be attached to the grid. | ||
| There's enough sunshine in Southern California where you can just have these fucking... | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I had a guy come over last week. | ||
| My garbage disposal was down. | ||
| And he recognized me, right? | ||
| And not only did he recognize me, he also gave me coupons. | ||
| I guess he recognized me because I think I'm doing too well. | ||
| And then he said, I gotta tell you, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. O'Hara. | ||
| O'Hara. | ||
| O'Hara. | ||
| How the fuck do you get it? | ||
| Roy O'Hara. | ||
| And my name's written on it, Irera. | ||
| He just didn't look to... | ||
| Well, he's just not good at pronouncing things. | ||
| Maybe Irish. | ||
| O'Hara, Irera. | ||
| Yeah, same shit. | ||
| He could be a little black Irish. | ||
| I had a woman call me Mr. Irene. | ||
| Talk about lazy. | ||
| I'll be up there in a second, Mr. Irene. | ||
| Room service. | ||
| She made a mistake. | ||
| Don't get upset. | ||
| Don't get upset. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I just turned into bits, Joe. | ||
| I turned into comedy gems. | ||
| And do you ever. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Don't start with me. | ||
| And do you ever. | ||
| I saw you at the ice house. | ||
| Yeah, fuck Billy Crystal. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We just said it. | ||
| Fuck Billy Crystal. | ||
| Talk about throwing that in your memory bank and splurting it out an hour later. | ||
| Bob Marley's the nicest guy in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Billy Crystal giving him the cold shoulder. | ||
| How dare you, Billy? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Must have been on his period. | ||
| He's a little smug, I gotta say. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| Yeah, he's had a beautiful career, man. | ||
| He's fucking smug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, it's a lot of pressure. | ||
| A lot of pressure on those guys. | ||
| A lot of times they crack. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| They start buying into their own bullshit. | ||
| I think that's the guys who don't are the guys who keep doing stand-up. | ||
| Because no matter what, no matter how funny you are, or how famous you are rather, when you get on that stage, you have to be funny. | ||
| They give you a couple minutes, but you gotta be funny. | ||
| Joe, I haven't been on stage since Friday before last. | ||
| It's the longest in probably 20 years. | ||
| Because of being sick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But isn't that true? | ||
| That's how we do it. | ||
| A lot of folks don't know. | ||
| If you take a month off or two months off or something like that, it feels really weird when you come back. | ||
| You can't be a wise guy, wise-cracking Italian comedian with a hacking cough. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| That's why I couldn't go on. | ||
| I mean, I could have made it. | ||
| I've been on stage with fevers and torn muscles and shit, but the cough fucking did me in. | ||
| I only had to cancel one gig ever. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| As far as a weekend, it was, I think, maybe when I was younger I did, but then I could remember as a gig that I was supposed to fly out to. | ||
| I think I was supposed to do the Stress Factory. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that was what it was. | ||
| Benny Brand. | ||
| I got the fever. | ||
| Oh, did you? | ||
| I had a flu. | ||
| Ooh, it was bad. | ||
| It was one of those ones where it was like, on Monday I canceled. | ||
| I was like, there is no way. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is death. | |
| Well, at least you gave him that. | ||
| Yeah, it was bad. | ||
| The fucking flu that's going around right now is a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| I've talked to some people that got it that were fine, and then two days later they're in the hospital on IVs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were showing in Houston that people were like, I think they were up to like 50 people have died from the flu. | |
| I'm sure it's old people and babies, but... | ||
| Well, you know, if you fuck up, man, that's the thing about, like, being sick or not having a healthy body or a healthy immune system. | ||
| Like, when you're not healthy all the time, like, you're pulling all-nighters, you're getting a couple hours sleep before you get to work, you're working all day and drinking coffee. | ||
| Your immune system is fucking getting chipped away. | ||
| If that is when it enters into your life, you can die. | ||
| You can die. | ||
| If you're hungover and drawn out and fucked up, and then boom, you get hit with the flu, holy shit, you can get jacked. | ||
| I had so many people bum me out. | ||
| First they'd act like they cared, and they'd go, you know, I said, I think I'm getting better. | ||
| He goes, yeah, a friend of mine had that, you know, last like three months. | ||
| I said, thanks, you know, thanks for cheering me up. | ||
| Did you tell him his friend's a pussy? | ||
| That's what I'd say. | ||
| Fucking friends of pussy. | ||
| You're friends of pussy. | ||
| I'm gonna be back in two days to smack them. | ||
| Three months. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What kind of cold lasts three months? | ||
| Well, it's not a cold anymore. | ||
| Yeah, it's an epidemic. | ||
| It's bronchial asthma. | ||
| That's what you have now? | ||
| Do you have asthma? | ||
| I got something. | ||
| That's what this thing is. | ||
| It's discus. | ||
| I gotta inhale it. | ||
| You know what's good for asthma? | ||
| Pussy. | ||
| Stank up pussy. | ||
| That too. | ||
| What? | ||
| Weed. | ||
| See, I wish I could smoke right now, but I just don't know what would happen. | ||
| You'd freak out. | ||
| Panic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you'd go into a tailspin. | ||
| We'd have to pull you out of the corner. | ||
| Are you allowed to do that with Xanax, though? | ||
| How does that work, if you're taking Xanax? | ||
| I don't know, because I never... | ||
| I mean, Xanax is a tranquilizer. | ||
| Oh, you might stop breathing. | ||
| You know what Xanax feels like? | ||
| Xanax feels like what you would think normal people feel like. | ||
| It's not a high. | ||
| I mean, I never take it enough to get high, but it's just like a relaxant, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just do some indicas. | |
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Indica is the downer or the weed. | |
| Oh, is it? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| There was an article that said that that's bullshit. | ||
| I thought that was really interesting. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| It's pretty established. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| There was some article that said that, I don't know whether they're saying that the people that are selling it are full of shit, but they were saying that the two different highs are indistinguishable, and I was like, man, I don't know about all that. | ||
| Sounds like a bullshit article. | ||
| Well, it seems like you're not getting high enough to really, you'd have to do it It's like a sommelier can tell the difference between merlots and cabernets right off the bat. | ||
| They can just tell. | ||
| I can't tell. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck the difference is. | ||
| I had no idea there was a pot that was a downer. | ||
| Well, that's what most people think of for pot. | ||
| They think of OG Kush. | ||
| They think of weed that just makes you chill, dog. | ||
| It really just makes you just really not give a fuck. | ||
| Just kick back and just your eyelids get heavy. | ||
| And then there's pot, for me at least, that makes me really think about shit and really get introspective and break down my life and life itself and the city and universes and shit like that. | ||
| That's... | ||
| That to me, whatever it is, whether it's the different cannabinoids or the different strain or whatever the fuck it is, there's a different response I have to two different kinds of weed. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong about it. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong about the way the mechanism is working. | ||
| I just know when I get good stuff. | ||
| Well, what fucked me up was I had no idea that it took a while to hit you. | ||
| Xanax? | ||
| No, pot. | ||
| So when I first smoked, this is why I had such a bad experience, I just kept smoking joint after joint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Like, you know, in a half an hour. | ||
| I smoked, like, I don't know, three or four joints. | ||
| It was just like, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| And these guys are going, holy shit, look at him. | ||
| And I'm thinking, and I did this with Southern Comfort once, and I almost died from alcohol poisoning. | ||
| Because I just, like, I just, like, you know, it's like getting the crowd behind. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| The pot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was at the University of Pennsylvania. | ||
| We had an apartment down there in Philly. | ||
| And just with a bunch of guys fucking around. | ||
| Whose pot was it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It wasn't mine. | ||
| So somebody else brought the pot, and then you just started smoking up a storm. | ||
| Well, I had never smoked, and then I just kept smoking. | ||
| And this was really a lot of smoke. | ||
| That's why I think I got so fucked up. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| This is when there were albums out, and I remember watching the record Revolve. | ||
| And just getting lost in that, you know? | ||
| What was the song that was playing? | ||
| It was Tomorrow Never Knows. | ||
| It was a Beatles song. | ||
| Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream. | ||
| You know that song? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is not dying, whatever. | ||
| And that was a real psychedelic kind of song. | ||
| Anyway, I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| My head felt smaller. | ||
| You know, just everything was weird. | ||
| So that's why I had a bad experience. | ||
| That's why I want to try it again. | ||
| So did you get paranoid? | ||
| Yeah, very. | ||
| Very paranoid. | ||
| Do you remember specifically what you thought about? | ||
| Just the whole world looked different to me. | ||
| And see, the only time I was ever... | ||
| I had gotten fucked up on cough medicine in high school. | ||
| Did you ever do that? | ||
| I did cough medicine when I was an adult. | ||
| I took NyQuil once when I was sick, and it was one of the happiest days of my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, this was like I drank a whole bottle of Romal-RCF. I swear to... | ||
| I mean, that was... | ||
| I think that's why any kind of upper drugs have negative effects on me, because of that. | ||
| And then I did the pot. | ||
| And so that's why I never did them. | ||
| I never was against drugs. | ||
| Well, that seems like a very likely scenario. | ||
| If you smoke that much pot the first time you did it, you're going to freak the fuck out. | ||
| Nobody told me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| Nobody told me. | ||
| They were going, wow, look at him. | ||
| And I was like, oh, yeah. | ||
| Look, one hit. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Just one. | ||
| Not even a big one. | ||
| Not even a big one. | ||
| Just a tiny one. | ||
| Just to really feel what pot does, you want a tiny amount of it. | ||
| That way you distinguish it from regular consciousness, you fuck around with it, get a feel for it, see the good and the bad about it, and occasionally you're going to push it. | ||
| Occasionally you're going to smoke two hits and three hits. | ||
| Then you're going to feel weird as fuck and you're going to go, you know, me better back this down. | ||
| So we back this down, take it down to one again, bring it down to one and just try one for a while. | ||
| But when people start smoking a whole joint or two joints, that's like you've never ridden a motorcycle before and you get on one of those ninjas. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You know, just go ahead, gun it. | ||
| You know, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| You can't do it, but those guys who do it every day can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a similar thing, in a way, because the experience of being really, really high is manageable, say if you're a guy like Everlast. | ||
| You know, if you get high all the time and you're just a naturally cool dude that can deal with shit. | ||
| But if you're a guy who's never gotten high before, that can fucking be terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, it was terrible. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It was terrifying. | ||
| What were you thinking about when you said the world just didn't look the same? | ||
| Just the proportions of things look different. | ||
| As if my eyes were different lenses. | ||
| They changed for a while. | ||
| I was just getting a thought in my head. | ||
| Even in the song, we keep playing in my head when it was over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was pretty heavy. | ||
| I guess it was close to a trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, that sounds like what I go through every night. | ||
| Sounds like a typical day. | ||
| I went through that in the tank last night. | ||
| You went to what? | ||
| I went through that in the tank last night. | ||
| Did you do the tank? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Joe, you're unbelievable. | ||
| You got so many fucking varied interests and all. | ||
| I watched SportsCenter last night. | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| But that's you. | ||
| We're all different, Dom Herrera. | ||
| I'm just trying to maintain and not go off the rails into crazy town. | ||
| So what do I do? | ||
| I hunt boars and I lie in saltwater. | ||
| Typical. | ||
| I throw kettlebells around, just trying to keep it together. | ||
| You got a fight this week? | ||
| No, this weekend is new UFC. This weekend I already said I'm going boar hunting. | ||
| The next UFC is not until the week after that, Chicago on Fox. | ||
| I'll tell you, thanks again for the Montreal treat. | ||
| Did you enjoy it? | ||
| More than enjoyed it. | ||
| Tammy Pascatelli and I, what a fucking... | ||
| I mean, that guy, the excitement. | ||
| I can just imagine the gladiators in the Roman Empire. | ||
| The excitement in that room when that French-Canadian guy walked in. | ||
| Georges St-Pierre? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then the fight itself. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Yeah, those live events, there's something special. | ||
| Seeing the UFC live, there's very few things that have as much electricity in the air, as much potential drama. | ||
| While the fights are going on, they're so exciting. | ||
| It's so exciting. | ||
| You invited me to a couple of them, and I was so amazed at how classy the crowd is. | ||
| It ain't like a professional wrestling crowd. | ||
| Skate on his face! | ||
| Twist his other eye. | ||
| I mean, they're like really nice people. | ||
| They look wild, but they're not. | ||
| Well, I always hoped that it would go closer and closer towards the ethics of martial arts. | ||
| Because I think that if you looked at the best guys ever, the best UFC fighters are martial artists. | ||
| From Hoist Gracie, the original, to look at Leota Machida, or Anderson Silva, or George St. Pierre. | ||
| Silva broke his leg. | ||
| Anderson broke his leg, yeah, in the last fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| These guys are martial artists. | ||
| Like, Anderson bows before every match. | ||
| Lyoto Machida bows. | ||
| George bows. | ||
| Like, they're literally upholding the original codes of martial arts conduct. | ||
| I mean, they are martial artists. | ||
| And those are the best guys. | ||
| It's not these brawler, fuck you, spit in your face, kicking the balls guys. | ||
| Those guys are not the champions. | ||
| The champions adhere to this sort of philosophy and principle of excellence that I think you kind of have to have. | ||
| And the people that are attracted to that, there's going to be a bunch of knuckleheads in the audience. | ||
| I mean, it's unavoidable. | ||
| You get 18,000 people, you're going to get a few dozen crazy people for sure. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way around it. | |
| You get that in any game, baseball, you know. | ||
| But overall, I think that what the fighters project, that they project a level of respect, a level of discipline and dignity, that the audience, I think they take that in. | ||
| I think they appreciate it. | ||
| Whereas when you're watching the WWE, you know that it's scripted. | ||
| It's a wild, crazy event, and it's fun, and it's entertaining, and there's acrobatics, and you know, those guys, like, The Rock is a serious Oh yeah. | ||
| Brock Lesnar, he's a serious athlete. | ||
| Brock Lesnar was pretty successful in the UFC for a guy that didn't have any MMA fights to speak of other than one before he entered into the biggest stage on earth as a fighter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I mean, he's a ballsy motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, so no disrespect to the wrestlers or anything like that, but one of the reasons why the audience will act like that is because they could feel that it's not real. | ||
| It's all horseshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're like trying to suck excitement out of the air. | ||
| But don't you think there's certain people that believe it's real no matter what you tell them? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I talked to a guy from Abu Dhabi who was telling me that his friend absolutely believes that it's real and he cannot argue with him that it's not. | ||
| And he was so frustrated he didn't know what to say. | ||
| My doctor thinks all professional football is rigged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I go, how the fuck can they get to all these guys? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| He says, listen, you're going to tell me that Brady couldn't throw a pass? | ||
| I go, I don't know, but how do they get to the center? | ||
| It becomes a point where it's just paranoia. | ||
| Some people don't like the wool pulled over them, pulled over their eyes. | ||
| So they like to look for it in everything. | ||
| These motherfuckers are all in together. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| After UFCs, all the time I'll get tweets like, yeah, it's a fucking fixed fight. | ||
| That was a bullshit fight. | ||
| That fight's fixed and you know it. | ||
| Well, fights can be fixed. | ||
| They certainly can. | ||
| Fights can be fixed. | ||
| Basketball games with refs or a guy who misses foul shots at the end. | ||
| But when you get to a whole fucking football team, that's 22 guys plus refs. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Well, the thing about basketball is they have absolutely proven that referees have been involved. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They've proven that they've shaved points. | ||
| They've proven that people have done some shady things. | ||
| There's a guy who just got out of jail for that. | ||
| Yeah, the referee, right? | ||
| Yeah, and I had a friend who was a ref. | ||
| They did this. | ||
| I thought it was so classless. | ||
| They would get first-class tickets and sell them back, cash them in. | ||
| And get coach tickets and pocket the money. | ||
| That's kind of fucking lowlife, you know? | ||
| That's kind of sleazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's, you know, it's not living your life either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Yeah, sit in first class. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| You know, you didn't have the ticket before. | ||
| But I think you should be allowed to do it. | ||
| I don't see a problem with it. | ||
| I feel like if you're the one who wants to sit and coach and you would rather have the money, I feel like you should be allowed to do that. | ||
| I just think it's a lack of class, so... | ||
| It's a little sleazy. | ||
| But no, you know what? | ||
| I take that back. | ||
| I don't even think it's a little sleazy. | ||
| It's like some people like to be humble. | ||
| I take umbrage with you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| How dare you, Irira. | ||
| Some people don't mind coach. | ||
| What if he's a little tiny guy and gets a window seat and you just kind of curl up? | ||
| I mind coach. | ||
| You do? | ||
| You do. | ||
| Oh, I don't say coach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| So for you, it drives you crazy. | ||
| My feet can't go back there anymore. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| It's the only thing about... | ||
| I just don't give a fuck. | ||
| I always fly first. | ||
| I paid more for my ticket to Australia than I made. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I worked two weeks. | ||
| I made less money. | ||
| I just didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I wanted to fly first class. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That is a total Dom Herrera move. | ||
| Oh, my agent gets such a kick out of it. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| Well, but again, I hate to say this, but that really is why you're so funny still. | ||
| We were just talking about it the other day, me and Tripoli. | ||
| We were talking about how a lot of comics that we liked back when we started, they kind of sort of drift away from it. | ||
| Even the greats. | ||
| Look at Steve Martin. | ||
| He doesn't do stand-up anymore. | ||
| He stopped a long time ago. | ||
| Robin Williams will occasionally do stand-up. | ||
| But you think about the people that you really admired back then. | ||
| It's not that many of them that are really active still. | ||
| But the ones that are, a lot of times they change radically. | ||
| Their acts change. | ||
| They kind of drift away from whatever it was that made them good. | ||
| They just sort of get this weird sense of complacency or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what happens. | |
| And also, they run out of juice. | ||
| To me, I consider myself the oldest young comedian. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I really don't feel old. | ||
| I feel young, and I'm lucky that I hang out with guys a lot younger than me. | ||
| I absorb that energy, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You included. | ||
| I mean, it's just that I love being around that. | ||
| Because I find that, not to put my generation down, but a lot of them are fucking bitter. | ||
| And bitterness goes nowhere. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's just like the unnecessary anger, yelling out and smacking your stick on the ground. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Internalize it. | ||
| Figure out what is it that makes you bitter. | ||
| You're unhappy with your success. | ||
| Well, do something about it. | ||
| Barring your physical health and unforeseen circumstances that can't be controlled, most people have a little leeway room for improvement. | ||
| And the bitterness is not fucking helping you. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| You're telling me this guy deserves a sitcom? | ||
| I tell you, this guy, I middled for him in Cincinnati. | ||
| He could not follow me. | ||
| Yeah, remember Pat Cooper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The comedian? | ||
| He was thinking... | ||
| I like the guy, but he's really angry. | ||
| He's thinking I'm too stupid to realize what he's doing. | ||
| He's going... | ||
| These fucking kids today, these cocksuckers, they got five minutes, they got a sitcom. | ||
| I've been around 40 years, but you're a good kid. | ||
| You know, he'd throw it like that, like that's supposed to pique my interest, and I don't have a fucking sitcom. | ||
| I go, well, maybe that should tell you something. | ||
| Maybe you're not right. | ||
| That guy was an interesting guy. | ||
| Is he still around? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he can't hear anymore, so it's kind of tough. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| He used to go on Stern and rant and rave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Go fucking crazy and yell at people. | ||
| It's just like, oh, my God. | ||
| Like, listen to him. | ||
| Get wound up. | ||
| But there's an element of sadness in it, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's an element of... | ||
| He burns a lot of bridges. | ||
| Those guys, he got mad at the Sopranos. | ||
| What did he get mad at the Sopranos for? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They didn't give them big enough parts or some shit. | ||
| They didn't get, you know, whatever it was, it's like, you know, I mean, I love that rite of passage for Italians that we were all supposed to be in The Sopranos. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They only got a cast of like 20 people. | ||
| There's a lot more Italians, you know. | ||
| Well, I think there was a lot of people in that show that also had not really done a lot of acting before, like Stevie Van Zandt, Little Steven from the Bruce Springsteen band. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve Schereppa? | |
| Steve Schereppa, our friend. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, our buddy. | ||
| But what it was, Joe, was they had a core of real actors and they had types. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And some of the types, like Steve, developed into real good actors. | ||
| You know, but I mean, that's what the show was. | ||
| It was the core of Edie Falco and Candafini and... | ||
| Michael Imperioli. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| That's the way they cast it. | ||
| Yeah, but I think what the appeal was, one of the appeals, was that these people that were in these peripheral roles that really shined and benefited from it greatly, like our friend Steve Sharippa. | ||
| Steve was not an experienced actor. | ||
| He was booking the Riviera when we met him. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| I fucking loved that guy. | ||
| But he went from doing that to being a really successful actor. | ||
| Boom, like that. | ||
| But a hard worker, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| He capitalized on it. | ||
| Well, he's smart. | ||
| Steve's a very smart guy. | ||
| But my point is that other people saw that and go, look, this fucking guy, he was over here. | ||
| He wasn't even fucking doing this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People jealous of him. | |
| And he said, it could have been me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tommy, I could do such a much better detailed job with that role. | |
| Forget about it. | ||
| There's so much in that role. | ||
| I sound like a little bit of Quincy. | ||
| The fuck out of here. | ||
| I was like half Italian and I was half Quincy. | ||
| You left your fingerprints! | ||
| Now you sound like Dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I'm morphing. | ||
| I'm a bunch of fucking characters. | ||
| Over the top! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Speaking of Dice, I saw Blue Jasmine. | ||
| Did you see Blue Jasmine? | ||
| No. | ||
| The new Woody Allen film? | ||
| Woody Allen fascinates me, man. | ||
| He's fucking fascinating. | ||
| He's the reason I got into stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when I was a little kid. | ||
| He makes a new movie basically every year. | ||
| He's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| He writes them all himself, and they're fucking good. | ||
| This Blue Jasmine was a good movie. | ||
| He's one of the guys, I mean, I think he's a creeper, for sure. | ||
| I mean, that whole thing with his daughter was just... | ||
| I don't want to judge. | ||
| I'm trying to be a nice guy, but... | ||
| I don't think he looked at her as a daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what happened. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| You've got to admire him for her. | ||
| She's not even hot. | ||
| So you can't say he left his wife for a hot young chick. | ||
| She's fucking homelier than his wife. | ||
| Oh, I guess. | ||
| But she's young. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| You're telling me. | ||
| Yeah, what was I saying? | ||
| So his movie. | ||
| So I saw... | ||
| This is how I got my Woody Allen resurgence. | ||
| I saw Midnight in Paris. | ||
| Did you see that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking good. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You know what you gotta see, though? | ||
| Some of the old... | ||
| Love and Death. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Because the fucking jokes are hilarious. | ||
| Well, I think I have seen it. | ||
| I think I saw it a long... | ||
| About the Russian-French War? | ||
| Oh, what a great line! | ||
| Line after line. | ||
| I think it's your best bet. | ||
| Your best bet is being a man. | ||
| She goes, you have beautiful skin. | ||
| She goes, yes, and it covers my entire body. | ||
| Well, Midnight in Paris was really good, and what's interesting about it is that Owen Wilson plays Woody Allen. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Woody Allen can't play Woody Allen anymore. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He used to get the... | ||
| So Owen Wilson is acting like Woody Allen. | ||
| Oh, he's doing that? | ||
| Great, great. | ||
| Well, he's not going New York-y. | ||
| He's not going all the way Brooklyn. | ||
| But he's basically that guy. | ||
| This sort of nebbishy. | ||
| Like his wife is fucking around on him. | ||
| It's always... | ||
| In Woody Allen's movies, someone always is having an affair right under somebody's nose. | ||
| And there's chaos. | ||
| And you find out, well, you were fucking this guy right in the other room. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Get over it! | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
| The way that people behave is almost like as if he wishes that that would be how people would behave at all sexual indiscretions. | ||
| It's almost like he's flavoring the world with this dialogue. | ||
| To get him off the hook. | ||
| Yeah, because it's a very unnatural, like, the anger and reaction these people have. | ||
| It's like, everything is real except when it comes to, like, real emotions dealing with loss or infidelity. | ||
| Like, then it becomes like, well, get over it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was right there! | |
| You had to know! | ||
| I didn't know! | ||
| You know? | ||
| Okay, Harry, I was cheating. | ||
| You know, it's like one of those things, and the guy's like, I can't believe this. | ||
| And he leaves, but it's so unrealistic. | ||
| It's like everybody's like, whatever, get over it. | ||
| But in Blue Jasmine is another one, the Alec Baldwin character. | ||
| I don't want to give a spoiler alert, but the reason why I brought it up is Dice is really good in it. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| He plays this... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard it was good, but I heard it was really short. | |
| I like him short. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the reason why he didn't probably get any awards, because it was probably too short. | |
| Oh, his thing was short. | ||
| The movie was too short? | ||
| No, no, no, his role. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he should have had a bigger part in it. | |
| No, no, I think it was perfect. | ||
| I mean, it was a complex sort of a role. | ||
| It was believable. | ||
| There was a lot of good acting in that goddamn movie. | ||
| Cate Blanchett, the woman who's the lead, is fucking sensational. | ||
| You know Sean Penn? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He said to me one night, we're at the improv, and he's got a great memory for comedy. | ||
| He said, he remembered an old bit, and he starts telling me about it. | ||
| And I go, all right, if we're going to talk about comedy, you've got to tell me what it was like to work with Woody Allen. | ||
| He said, I'm glad you asked me that. | ||
| He gave me one note the whole film. | ||
| I said, what was it? | ||
| He goes, that last scene you did, nothing was right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's the only fucking note he had. | ||
| Nothing was right. | ||
| Nothing in that scene was right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's a master filmmaker. | ||
| He's just a weird guy. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| Master filmmaker. | ||
| This Blue Jasmine movie is fucking really good. | ||
| I'd have to say he's the best writer and then Larry David for comedy, in my opinion. | ||
| You mean like joke writing or TV writing? | ||
| Just comedy writing. | ||
| Movie and film. | ||
| Larry obviously has not... | ||
| Made the graduation to film what he did. | ||
| He shouldn't. | ||
| His stuff is so good and curb your enthusiasm. | ||
| Just don't fuck with it. | ||
| Leave it right there. | ||
| Let him do whatever the fuck he's doing. | ||
| Let him make that exactly how he's making it. | ||
| Don't touch it. | ||
| Leave it alone. | ||
| I watched a Seinfeld episode last night with the man's ear. | ||
| The bra for men. | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| The bro? | ||
| And I had a prostate exam, and when I was going to pee next, it was going to be blood, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was really fucking horrible. | ||
| I was lightheaded and shit. | ||
| And Jerry was on the phone telling me about this episode before it happened, and we were fucking crying, laughing. | ||
| Just the idea of Jerry Stiller's tits made us laugh for fucking five minutes. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| What has to do with you peeing blood? | ||
| Oh, because I didn't want to laugh. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I didn't explain it right. | ||
| I didn't want to laugh. | ||
| I come back from the hospital. | ||
| I'm in this bad mood. | ||
| I'm fucking lightheaded and all pale and shit. | ||
| And we start talking and he starts telling me about this fucking... | ||
| Anyway, it just reminded me of it because I saw the episode last night. | ||
| And it's so fucking brilliant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, say Everybody Loves Raymond, which was a really standard, good quality sitcom. | ||
| They had an A-plot, basically. | ||
| Maybe a B-plot. | ||
| Seinfeld had A, B, C, D. You know what I mean? | ||
| Just ridiculous. | ||
| Like, Kramer hits a golf ball and it goes into the whales' blowhole. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Everything is connected. | ||
| And how he did it was fascinating. | ||
| And 22 minutes and clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, Larry David's a genius. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But his best work is Kirby Enthusiasm, in my opinion. | ||
| Seinfeld's really good, but Kirby Enthusiasm takes it to the one where he had the water bottle in his pants. | ||
| I don't even want to tell the whole story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The hooker and the carpool. | |
| I can't even tell you the stories that... | ||
| Well, you know, that came out of Larry... | ||
| I don't want to spoil them. | ||
| That came out of Larry not getting enough credit for Seinfeld. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| Because everybody would get credit. | ||
| George got credit for playing him. | ||
| And, you know, Jason Alexander's a terrific actor. | ||
| But he was so much in the background, he thought, fuck this, I'm doing a show. | ||
| And he had the power to do it. | ||
| You know, he put up his own money for that. | ||
| Jason Alexander's a weird one, because nothing's really clicked for him since doing that show. | ||
| He was so fucking good, too. | ||
| He was so good on that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And now he's taken to wearing a hairpiece. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And, you know, I saw the one last night where he wore a hairpiece. | ||
| On the show, as a joke. | ||
| As a joke, yeah. | ||
| But now he's wearing one in real life. | ||
| That's sad. | ||
| It's like, I don't know. | ||
| Unless you're going to do it like Karl Reiner did, where you just take it off sometime and wear it like it's a hat, which I think is funny. | ||
| He's not trying to fool anybody. | ||
| Well, he's not trying to fool anybody. | ||
| He can't, because everybody knows that he was already bald, and I think he just likes the way it looks better, which... | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| But why are you worrying so much about what you look like? | ||
| It's a little weird. | ||
| I say just wear a hat or don't wear anything. | ||
| It's not like it affects his performance in some way. | ||
| Like if growing your hair made you smarter somehow, like imagine if like hair was like muscles. | ||
| Like the bigger your muscles get, the stronger you get. | ||
| The longer your hair gets, the smarter you get. | ||
| Well, I could get wanting to have more hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if you could wear a toupee, that would make you smart. | ||
| Imagine if people were that simple, that you just had a fiber optic toupee and you put on, it would mimic the effects of having a full head of hair, as far as your intelligence goes, or grow it even further. | ||
| Well, you remember what goes on with the ego of these guys, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And Jason was, I remember being on that set, and he was upset because he never won an Emmy. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And he won Grammy Awards. | ||
| Dude, I was on a set of news radio once and everybody was complaining. | ||
| It was dark. | ||
| It was like everybody was bummed out because our ratings were down and it was like, God, we can't get on Thursday night, but this show goes on right before Friends or right after Friends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like... | ||
| We're on a sitcom. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know how lucky you are to be on a sitcom? | ||
| And it's a really funny one, and we're not appreciating it as it's happening. | ||
| Right as it's going on, we're wishing we were number one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Instead of whatever the fuck we were. | ||
| We weren't doing well. | ||
| Newsradio never did well. | ||
| It didn't do really well until it was syndicated. | ||
| They didn't know how to use you at all. | ||
| Newsradio did? | ||
| Oh, I got some great parts on Newsradio. | ||
| I think they could have used you more. | ||
| Oh, that's very nice of you. | ||
| That's just because you love me. | ||
| I think they used me the perfect amount, and when you consider the fact that we had so many characters. | ||
| I mean, there's Andy Dick, Vicky Lewis, Steven Root, Candy Alexander, Phil Hartman, Dave Foley, Mora, Tierney. | ||
| I mean, holy fucking shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| There was an eight-person cast. | ||
| A lot of fucking people. | ||
| A 22-minute show, and you're bouncing everything back and forth. | ||
| And... | ||
| You got two, well, three monsters on the cast. | ||
| You got Phil Hartman, who's a monster, Dave Foley, a monster, and Andy Dick was a monster. | ||
| So those were like their go-to guys for like carrying scenes and big moments. | ||
| And, you know, I would come in with something wacky on occasion. | ||
| I would have some wacky thing that I would do. | ||
| I thought they were great about... | ||
| Divvying it up. | ||
| The one who got the slight, in my opinion, is Candy Alexander, the blackjack that was on the show. | ||
| She's a badass actress, man. | ||
| That girl is a powerful, strong actress. | ||
| And I just don't think they ever really totally got her. | ||
| I don't think she had enough roles where it was like... | ||
| But, you know, a bunch of white dudes from Harvard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Right for this sexy blackjack. | ||
| What was the baseball show you did right before that? | ||
| Hardball, that piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, that was cool. | ||
| You got it right away. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| The two things that were the luckiest that I ever got was getting hardball and from getting hardball, getting news radio. | ||
| You know, the Fear Factory thing was more of a response to not wanting to be in the acting world anymore. | ||
| When I took Fear Factor for the money, A, but also B, because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with actors. | ||
| I wasn't going to have to deal with scripts and the creative aspect of bad comedy. | ||
| Because you go from a show like News Radio, which is a really good show, try finding another really good show. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| I've been on them. | ||
| And I read from some. | ||
| It was painful. | ||
| They were bad. | ||
| Just clumsy and clunky. | ||
| Joe, I got fired from a show that was written for me. | ||
| I was so happy when it went down in flames because it was so bad. | ||
| They hired this real actor, Dan Hedaya, and he couldn't make it work. | ||
| Dan Hedaya, why do I know that name? | ||
| He was the father in Clueless. | ||
| He was Cher's father in Clueless. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Would you do another sitcom? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| If Paul Sims was going to do another sitcom, the guy who made News Radio, I almost did another one of his. | ||
| I'd love to work with you, man. | ||
| I did a pilot of a show called Overseas. | ||
| It was a pilot. | ||
| I played some guy that was in some other country for some strange reason. | ||
| I got stuck over there. | ||
| But he's just a brilliant guy. | ||
| He's just such an out-of-the-box guy. | ||
| I know there's other out-of-the-box guys out there. | ||
| I think the guy who... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Dan Harmon? | ||
| The guy who makes community? | ||
| Like, everybody's saying the community is just like a hundred times better this season now that he's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That he's back and Chevy Chase is gone. | |
| Yeah, Chevy Chase. | ||
| Yeah, that was the other thing. | ||
| He's a happy-go-lucky guy, huh? | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't seem so, huh? | ||
| What's the guy's name? | ||
| The Soup? | ||
| Joel McHale. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Great guy, too, by the way. | ||
| I feel like a dick. | ||
| I'm not remembering your name, but I blame the weed. | ||
| Joel McHale was on Opie and Anthony and he was talking about Chevy Chase that he just really didn't want to be there. | ||
| How do you get insulted at your own roast? | ||
| You get insulted. | ||
| It's a roast. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to say things that are supposed to hurt your feelings. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why you don't get a roast. | ||
| Don't organize your own. | ||
| Do I like them? | ||
| I liked them when I did them. | ||
| You know, I did them with those, like, the real old guys. | ||
| I was like the young kid, and it was Milton Berle and all those guys in the 80s. | ||
| And I liked them, because they were like the real originators of the roast. | ||
| Now, how much can you talk about how big Chloris Leachman's cunt is? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| How often does that come out? | ||
| Is that like a big part of roasts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now for the mandatory, how big is Cloris Leachman's cunt? | ||
| Actually, it came up about fucking 20 times when I went to see Pamela Anderson roasted, I think it was. | ||
| Or no, maybe it was her or Saget, I forget. | ||
| I always get those two mixed up. | ||
| And they just relentlessly did the same fucking joke. | ||
| You could drive a car into Pamela Anderson's cunt and this and that. | ||
| You know, it's like, holy shit. | ||
| That's so not true. | ||
| I've seen that video. | ||
| The Tommy Lee video? | ||
| It's not, yeah. | ||
| It's a tiny little thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not big at all. | ||
| What kind of cars are you driving? | ||
| I can't jerk off to a video like that. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, not like a... | ||
| Is this dick too big? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Just a married couple that I don't want to... | ||
| Oh, that's so sweet. | ||
| I want to see people that are, you know, like, out of this world. | ||
| Not real people. | ||
| Like our prostitute friend. | ||
| I haven't been a prostitute in a while. | ||
| How long? | ||
| A couple days? | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| No, I took blood pressure medication about two years ago and it made me, like we were saying, it made me less Italian and more Irish. | ||
| Do you think that you would ever be into doing something to radically change your health? | ||
| Like, if someone, if you took on, like, someone who told you what to eat, worked you out every day, put you through the paces, got your body into a better shape, better condition, and actually got you to the... | ||
| How the fuck could I get in better shape, Joe? | ||
| It's almost impossible. | ||
| I mean, you're at the top. | ||
| Like an Olympia. | ||
| But I feel like we're gonna, like, we could polish it up a little bit. | ||
| You could fine-tune it. | ||
| Fine-tune it a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| No, where I am, I'm totally fucking pleased with you. | ||
| I love having a gut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because I got something to rest my hands on when I'm thinking. | ||
| You have my favorite line ever when it comes to being gay and being in the closet. | ||
| You go, I wish I was in the closet just so I could come out. | ||
| That's how little I give a fuck. | ||
| That was just a line for the show. | ||
| I never did that on stage. | ||
| He said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet. | ||
| Something exciting. | ||
| Look at Todd Glass. | ||
| He got more press on that. | ||
| Fucking Ellen, it made her career. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| When Todd Glass came on the podcast, that was the first time I had talked to him in person since he came out, I guess you're supposed to say. | ||
| He seemed so relieved. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he was so relieved that he could come on the show and be, God, barbecued. | ||
| He was so relieved that we could all do that together and be giggly and silly and he wouldn't have to worry about feeling like he's being attacked or that he was hiding something. | ||
| That's a big thing for those guys, man. | ||
| Or for those girls or anybody who's hiding something like that. | ||
| No one should care, man. | ||
| No one should care. | ||
| You should be able to tell people that you're into dressing like a girl. | ||
| You should be able to tell people that you like to fuck guys. | ||
| You should be able to tell people whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Who would make an uglier fucking girl than you or I? Me? | ||
| I would be the ugly. | ||
| My fucking jaw. | ||
| You would be a little bit uglier than me. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| A little bit more confusing. | ||
| You would be a little bit hotter chick than me. | ||
| That's the way I like to think of each other. | ||
| But if I was going to go to a girl to get a handjob... | ||
| I might go to you. | ||
| Soft hands. | ||
| I would think, yeah, soft hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got the lips too. | |
| There's a lot of like, I'm not blowing anybody though. | ||
| That's where I draw the line, even if I was a gal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not even with condoms? | |
| But if I think, blowing someone with a condom is just like fucking shaking their hand through a window. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| You know, you put your hand on the glass? | ||
| You're not really shaking hands. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Someone's just going up and down on your dick when there's a condom on it. | ||
| I'm like, what is that? | ||
| That's a strange, weird barrier between you and pleasure. | ||
| And we need that because people have diseases in their mouths and their dicks. | ||
| We're gross. | ||
| People are gross or fucking gross diseases. | ||
| There was this hooker. | ||
| She's a porn... | ||
| I love the porn star fucking theory. | ||
| Like everybody... | ||
| They never say... | ||
| They say he's a working actor. | ||
| They don't say he's a star. | ||
| He's not a star. | ||
| Anyway, she came up to me at the comedy store, gave me a hug, she goes, and she Facebooked me, but my ex-wife does my Facebook. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And she wrote, did I tell you this? | ||
| Yeah, you did tell me. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| She came after me, she said she wanted to exchange sexual favors for comedy wisdom. | ||
| And my wife said, she goes, who is this? | ||
| My ex-wife, she goes, who is this fucking nut? | ||
| I just ripped it up and threw it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| She goes, she sounded like a whore. | ||
| I go, but that's the good thing. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Your ex-wife doesn't know you very well. | ||
| No. | ||
| Anyway, she did get in touch with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you know what? | ||
| She was so fucking annoying about comedy, it turned me off. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because she wanted way more comedy than I wanted anything from her. | ||
| Well, when someone... | ||
| And then I saw it in a lesbian video. | ||
| When someone wants to learn how to do comedy, there's a few things you can tell them, but there's very few. | ||
| The real thing that they need to do is go on stage. | ||
| Go on stage a lot and chop it down yourself. | ||
| Minimize the amount of words you use. | ||
| Maximize the impact of those words. | ||
| Figure those things out. | ||
| Find out what it is that's funny and unique about you. | ||
| Listen to yourself. | ||
| There's a few things you can tell someone. | ||
| When they want to go over individual bits with you, they basically want you to write their act. | ||
| And that happens to a lot of boyfriends. | ||
| I mean, it's a joke that I've heard used on several different comedians that are female that wind up dating men that are also comedians, and then men start writing their acts. | ||
| I mean, we know guys who have done it. | ||
| It happens all the fucking time. | ||
| And, you know, that's not as fun. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's a weird... | ||
| But then there's cases like Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky, where I'm sure they go over bits with each other, but they go over bits as peers. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Tom's not rewriting her act. | ||
| She's not rewriting Tom's act. | ||
| They're both hilarious. | ||
| That's very rare, yeah. | ||
| Yes, but that's ideal. | ||
| That's why I love when something like that happens because people always like to use that thing, that standby cliche that two comedians can never be husband and wife and be happy. | ||
| Two people that are in the same position, the same sort of occupation, they would just wind up fighting each other. | ||
| Tom and Christina get along great, and they're both fucking great. | ||
| They're both really funny people. | ||
| You see them together, they're laughing together, and they're always laughing with each other, and they enjoy each other's company, and they're both really good. | ||
| It's so rare when you see something like that. | ||
| It's so awesome to see. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the aberration. | ||
| I don't think it's normal. | ||
| But it's possible. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like that it's possible. | ||
| That ruined my marriage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The competition, yeah. | ||
| Because, like, I was getting hired for Saturday Night Live, like, 1980, and I got, like, three episodes. | ||
| It's a long story. | ||
| It's not even worth it. | ||
| You sound like Brian Callen right now. | ||
| Oh, do I really? | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| It's just, like, the greatest comedian of all time. | ||
| No, no, I didn't mean it like that. | ||
| I just meant the story was actually too long. | ||
| But anyway, I'm not on the fucking show, and I come home, she goes, did you mention me to them? | ||
| I said, I didn't mention you. | ||
| I don't even have a fucking voice. | ||
| I don't even have an agent. | ||
| So that really kind of ruined a lot of things. | ||
| Yeah, that's rough. | ||
| Ooh, did you mention me? | ||
| I had a friend who got apart and his girlfriend started crying immediately. | ||
| And it's like, when is something going to happen for me? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| It was so uncomfortable to be around. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| She was doing it, like, in front of me, and I was like, okay, uh... | ||
| She was crying in front of you? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He goes, guess what? | ||
| I got the part. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And she starts crying, like, when is something going to happen to me? | ||
| I think for some people, they're just not cut out for the pressure of, like, trying to audition and go after things. | ||
| Like, one of the things that people point out is how crazy actresses are and actors are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I think one of the reasons why they're so crazy is not just that they came here crazy, but that the process itself is so terrifying and mind-numbing and obsessive. | ||
| Because it's so difficult to get cast in something. | ||
| So difficult when you're competing against thousands of other people on a daily basis for a limited amount of roles. | ||
| And you're barely getting by. | ||
| And then you finally do get something. | ||
| I think all those years and years and years of rejection. | ||
| I think you can really fuck with people's heads, man. | ||
| It's really bad, especially when they're already a little bit insecure, they're already a little bit nutty, they're maybe possibly a little bit depressed, maybe a little bit chemical, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just never felt like anybody else's success diminished me. | ||
| Like, I don't think because Eddie Murphy got 48 hours that if he didn't get it, I was going to get it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I just never thought like that. | ||
| No, you never did. | ||
| You never had... | ||
| And you've never had, like, this weird resentment that a lot of people have towards people that they have no relation to. | ||
| You know, look at fucking this guy, you know, Damon Wayans. | ||
| Damon Wayans thinks he's a motherfucker. | ||
| Damon Wayans ain't got shit. | ||
| That's all you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damon Wayans. | |
| You know, why? | ||
| What do you care about Damon Wayans? | ||
| Is he in any way affecting your path? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I mean, look at your career. | ||
| You have such, I mean, such a unique is redundant. | ||
| But I mean, you're like, I could never fucking announce fights like you do. | ||
| You're an expert on that shit. | ||
| There's no competition. | ||
| Your stand-up and mine are so different. | ||
| Hopefully the only end result is they're both funny. | ||
| We're both very lucky. | ||
| We're both very lucky that we figured out our path in life. | ||
| I'm in a weird spot where I'm extremely lucky because I like to do a lot of things. | ||
| And I get lucky that there's a job for those things. | ||
| If the UFC didn't exist, I would watch exactly... | ||
| I mean, if the job, rather. | ||
| Me being the commentator didn't exist. | ||
| If we just watched fights live and no one ever talked about it, I would still be doing the same thing. | ||
| I'd be doing the exact same, almost. | ||
| I mean, I certainly wouldn't be breaking it down for a broadcast, but I'd be watching every single one of them. | ||
| I'd watch everything. | ||
| I'd watch them live if I could. | ||
| I did before I even worked there. | ||
| I just got super lucky. | ||
| You can hear how happy you are doing that. | ||
| You can hear it in your voice. | ||
| You'll love it. | ||
| Yeah, I do enjoy it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| But I'm just lucky. | ||
| I'm lucky there's a lot of cool shit to do in the world, you know? | ||
| Martial arts is just one of many cool things. | ||
| I mean, I could probably learn new things forever and ever and always be excited. | ||
| Like, skateboarding seems like it'd be fun. | ||
| I just started learning how to ski. | ||
| Skiing is fun. | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
| I mean, I bet it would be really fun to learn how to play an instrument. | ||
| You know, if I had more time, I'd probably pursue that. | ||
| I started doing archery recently. | ||
| I got these targets. | ||
| I set them up in my backyard. | ||
| I bought a Bowtech Experience 60 pound pull compound bow. | ||
| Oh dude, it shoots things like a laser beam. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Come on over. | ||
| Come on over. | ||
| Let's have a bow party. | ||
| Please hide those from the kids. | ||
| They can't touch it and they can never pull it back in the first place. | ||
| The arrows are locked up and the bow is so incredibly difficult to pull back. | ||
| 60 pounds, like a grown man like yourself. | ||
| Not like me, of course. | ||
| I could just pull that bitch back. | ||
| Is that for real? | ||
| The really strong guys actually use a 70 pound bow. | ||
| Guy in here yesterday was probably 20 pounds lighter than me. | ||
| He actually uses a 70 pound bow. | ||
| So he uses a bow that's 10 pounds stronger than mine. | ||
| But I'm just learning how to do it now. | ||
| I'm not really concerned with it being like the fastest bow in the world. | ||
| I just enjoy hitting targets. | ||
| I have these rubber squares like set up at different parts of my yard and I get up on this little platform in my yard. | ||
| I get the dogs out of the yard and I shoot arrows. | ||
| It's fun, man. | ||
| It's really exciting. | ||
| It's like when you hit a target that you want to hit, like whatever reason, you know, your body goes, ooh. | ||
| It's more exciting than shooting a basketball into a net. | ||
| Like basketball into a net has always been exciting, like playing a horse, like three points, whoa! | ||
| But a fucking 50-yard bullseye with an arrow, whatchunk! | ||
| There's something like, it goes to your DNA. It's some Robin Hood shit. | ||
| It's left over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could throw some watermelons in the backyard. | |
| That sounds fun, too. | ||
| Yeah, but watermelons are food. | ||
| I don't want to waste food. | ||
| I feel guilty. | ||
| Can't be wasted food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I'll fuck up a squirrel that I catch slipping. | |
| I'll eat a squirrel that I catch from my backyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think about that rhino that's in the news right now? | |
| Fucked up. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Makes me sick. | ||
| I don't like the idea. | ||
| If you don't know the story, there's a black rhino. | ||
| They auctioned off a right to hunt this black rhino, and the winning bidder paid $350,000 to kill this endangered animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's fucked up. | |
| And because of that, a million dollars is gonna go to the preservation of the black rhino. | ||
| I think that's ridiculous. | ||
| I think that guy's an asshole. | ||
| I don't care if that money goes to the preservation. | ||
| What this guy should do, if he's really concerned, this guy, this hunter, is go hunt with a camera, goddammit. | ||
| Go get a really good close-up photograph of this thing and know that you could have killed it. | ||
| Know you could have killed it. | ||
| You don't have to kill. | ||
| And then while you're there, go shoot some shit that you can kill. | ||
| You're in Africa. | ||
| Go shoot some wild buck. | ||
| Go shoot some warthogs. | ||
| Go shoot some things that the locals will eat. | ||
| It actually benefits the people there. | ||
| If you go to Africa... | ||
| I saw Matt Hughes, who's a former UFC champion. | ||
| One of the greatest mixed martial arts fighters ever. | ||
| He's also a big hunter. | ||
| He went to Africa with his son. | ||
| And he took all these photos of them shooting these animals and people just were all up his ass. | ||
| They were just shitting all over him and telling, you know, he's an asshole and he's not even eating that food. | ||
| These are trophy hunters. | ||
| He shot so many animals. | ||
| What they don't realize is when you go there and you do something like that, they take the money that you use to pay for your trip and that money goes to preserve these animals. | ||
| Then the meat from hunting that animal goes to feed these local villagers. | ||
| Like, they get very happy. | ||
| Like, they're excited. | ||
| They get all this lean—they don't have guns, and so they get all this lean protein free from these hunters, and they get it every day. | ||
| Because every day they're bringing in new hunters, and every day they're harvesting new animals. | ||
| Like, people don't like it because they feel like it should be a direct relationship. | ||
| You should shoot a deer, then you eat the deer or give some of the meat out to your friends or something like that, which I kind of agree with. | ||
| I don't want to be the guy that's going somewhere to kill animals for a bunch of different people. | ||
| But if you did, that's actually a very selfless thing to do. | ||
| He's enjoying the hunting aspect of it, but he's also donating all this meat to poor people. | ||
| But nobody wants to see it that way. | ||
| Everybody has this black or white thing when it comes to animals. | ||
| Either you love animals and respect them, And you don't shoot them, or you hate animals and you're a fucking evil person, even if you both have the same diet. | ||
| I mean, the idea that someone would want to kill that thing when we know there's only like a few thousand of them left, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| You know, I hope somebody steps in, and I hope... | ||
| I mean, really, that's something that the president should talk about. | ||
| The president should have a fucking joint conference where he talks about SeaWorld and killing black rhinos. | ||
| And just say, what would we do if someone came here from... | ||
| Look, they sawed off the horn. | ||
| Oh my god, that's fucked, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know why, right? | |
| Yeah, because Chinese dudes think that it makes your dick hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On your pills. | |
| They haven't figured out Viagra yet, I guess. | ||
| No way rhino horn is as good as Viagra. | ||
| By the way, you know what rhino horn is? | ||
| It's hair. | ||
| You're eating hair. | ||
| Yeah, that horn is hair. | ||
| It's thickly knotted hair that grows into a point. | ||
| Yeah, it's not like an antler. | ||
| Like this deer antler here, this antler falls off every year. | ||
| And you find them on the ground. | ||
| They're called sheds. | ||
| And they grow every year. | ||
| And then, you know, they butt heads with those things on. | ||
| That's how they used to spar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, that's not the case with a rhino. | ||
| With a rhino, it's actually hair. | ||
| It's like the same thing that fingernails are made out of. | ||
| It's like keratin. | ||
| Kind of crazy shit, man. | ||
| But the idea that anybody would pay to do that, like, don't do it, man. | ||
| Don't fucking kill rhinos. | ||
| There's been an argument against killing elephants, but there's certain areas of Africa where they have an overpopulation issue with elephants, and they've taken to assassinating elephants. | ||
| They've taken to hunting them. | ||
| It's really freaky because they're bringing in hunters, and there was a TV show on the other night where this guy went to Africa and just snuck up on an elephant and shot it in the fucking head, and it doesn't seem right. | ||
| It seems fucked up. | ||
| Did you ever play with ivory balls? | ||
| No, no, never played with ivory balls. | ||
| I did. | ||
| But they gave the food to the villagers, and they were saying it's a year's food for these people. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| So, yeah, I guess, but there's something about elephants that freaks me out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It freaks me out they kill elephants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like whales. | |
| Yeah, to me elephants are smart as shit. | ||
| They recognize each other when they haven't seen each other in 20 years. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, that's the whole memory thing then, huh? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, they have really good minds. | ||
| Their minds are much more complex than we ever thought. | ||
| In fact, they can create art. | ||
| You can teach an elephant to use a paintbrush and they can draw themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You've never seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| Wait till you see this. | ||
| I'm going to show you something you're not even going to believe it's real. | ||
| It's an elephant painting himself. | ||
| And when you see it and how good it is, it's like what my five-year-old would do. | ||
| It's like a five-year-old human. | ||
| I don't know if that represents the same intelligence as a small child, but goddammit, it seems like there's something really serious going on behind the scenes there. | ||
| They're able to draw themselves, Dom Herrera. | ||
| They're able to... | ||
| Self-portrait. | ||
| Pull ahead because this is a long-ass video. | ||
| But look at this. | ||
| He's using his... | ||
| And you would think, okay, this is bullshit. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| No. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| He's using his own trunk and he's trying to draw what he sees. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| He's drawing tusks, Dom Herrera. | ||
| He's drawing the legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like perfect, like how he got it perfect. | |
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| That's an intelligent animal. | ||
| And in my opinion, hunting that animal should be... | ||
| Look how good that is, goddammit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| That should be the last resort. | ||
| Is this for real? | ||
| Yes, it's for real. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It should be the last resort when it comes to preserving these animals. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| What they should do is figure out a way to either... | ||
| Move them to areas where their populations have drastically decreased or find some way to give them some food that makes them less likely to get pregnant. | ||
| I mean, who knows what strategies they could come up with, but shooting them seems really sad to me. | ||
| That's super smart. | ||
| That's smarter than a wolf. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's unbelievable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's the argument against killing wolves, is that they're smart and they're very much like dogs and, you know, but that's way smarter than a fucking wolf. | ||
| That's smarter than a monkey, man. | ||
| That's smart as shit. | ||
| How smart are these goddamn things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking cool. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting to me. | ||
| Look, watch him do it. | ||
| This is not bullshit. | ||
| Look him do it. | ||
| See, now you can see the actual full elephant. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I mean, this is utterly incredible. | ||
| Utterly incredible. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| The relationship between... | ||
| You gonna die? | ||
| No. | ||
| The relationship that we have between other animals is a very strained one. | ||
| It's very strange how we, because we have some animals that we use for food, and some animals that we decide to use as a resource, and, you know, it's all very cruel. | ||
| I don't understand the rationalization sometimes between what animals you pick to kill to eat. | ||
| In the sense that people are pescatarians. | ||
| What makes them think fish are happy to be on a hook? | ||
| Well, the idea is that fish don't take care of their young. | ||
| Oh, dolphins aren't fish. | ||
| Yeah, fish don't take care of their young, so they're like, fuck these fish. | ||
| Look how good that is, Domirera. | ||
| He drew fucking flowers in his trunk. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's insane how talented this elephant is at drawing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's better than most people could probably draw now. | |
| I think if you kill that, that's murder. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this thing painting the sky, man. | ||
| Are you fucking shitting me? | ||
| It's painting a word. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Where is this at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On YouTube. | |
| If you guys want to see it, it's under Elephants Painting Elephants. | ||
| Suda. | ||
| That's the name of him. | ||
| He's writing his name. | ||
| Yeah, he knows how to write his name. | ||
| I mean, this is insanity. | ||
| You kill that thing, that's murder. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's like a big giant person or something. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| Whatever that is, it doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mind-blowing. | |
| Mind-blowing. | ||
| Unbelievably fascinating. | ||
| But to those villagers, one year's food. | ||
| We just eat. | ||
| I can't fucking believe that. | ||
| It's hard to believe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I walk out of here and I hear you guys laughing. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's legit. | ||
| Intelligent animals. | ||
| Intelligent animals are, in my opinion, we should treat them very differently than we treat everything else. | ||
| Well, I never believed that animals couldn't think. | ||
| I always believe, they always said, dogs don't think, it's just instinct. | ||
| I don't buy that. | ||
| No, animals fucking think, man. | ||
| Of course they think. | ||
| They just don't think as well as we do. | ||
| So we like to say they don't think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just, they're limited. | ||
| I mean, their bodies are about survival and breeding. | ||
| Survival and breeding, and those are the only things. | ||
| They don't create culture. | ||
| We become ultra-complex because we create culture and because we have the ability to manipulate our environment. | ||
| So that's why we categorize dolphins in this weird gray area that allows us to enslave them. | ||
| Because they can't create culture and because they can't manipulate their environment, they don't have fingers, we don't see any evidence of their intelligence. | ||
| But meanwhile, there's tons of scientific evidence of the fact that they can communicate with each other, that they have a language, that they have dialects. | ||
| That they have family communities, that they recognize each other at long distances, that they pool together. | ||
| I mean, it's an intelligent thing that you're enslaving. | ||
| It's all that is. | ||
| There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. | ||
| It's a bad argument. | ||
| Whether it's an orca, you know, orcas are fucking even smarter than dolphins. | ||
| They're super intelligent animals. | ||
| It's madness. | ||
| It's madness. | ||
| It's total madness. | ||
| And when you see an elephant that can paint a fucking picture better than most of us in this room... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That elephant paints better than you. | ||
| That's the most phenomenal thing I've ever seen an animal do. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Have you ever seen chimps spell their name? | ||
| Chimps can spell their name for candy. | ||
| They teach them how to solve complex puzzles, and they give them candy. | ||
| And then they can remember the order of things. | ||
| They can count things from one to seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. | ||
| And the images will go blank, and they'll remember which one was one, which one was two, and they'll reveal each individual, make it flip over in order. | ||
| Something that I would struggle with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Locking up chimps is cunty, too. | ||
| Putting them in a zoo is stupid. | ||
| They should have them in an area where they live in the wild and observe them. | ||
| that's it. | ||
| All this other stupid shit where Or even if they make enough wild that it seems wild to them. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I mean, if you have a really large place. | ||
| But, like, that lady in Connecticut that was living with one, and it wound up biting her friend's face off? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That is criminal negligence. | ||
| I mean, that's no different than building bombs in your yard, and your friend comes over and you blow your friend's face off. | ||
| They're so fucking strong. | ||
| Not just strong, but violent as fuck. | ||
| And guess what she gave the chimp? | ||
| Xanax. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, she gave the chimp Xanax and wine. | ||
| Bitch was crazy. | ||
| She had this 200-pound murderous monster living in her house. | ||
| This yoked-up super monster. | ||
| He was in a cage, right? | ||
| He was wearing a diaper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think he was in a cage. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was in a cage when he reached out for her. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He lived in that... | ||
| He wandered around. | ||
| He did whatever he wanted to. | ||
| But the woman was babysitting him. | ||
| No. | ||
| What happened was the woman's friend came over. | ||
| When the woman's friend came over, the chimp did not like the woman's friend. | ||
| The woman's friend kept him from her maybe. | ||
| Maybe he thought of her as his girlfriend. | ||
| So he just attacked and just ripped her apart. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Look at the muscles on those fucking things. | ||
| Are you kidding me, man? | ||
| That looks like Husamar Palhares. | ||
| But even more muscular. | ||
| He's definitely on it. | ||
| I could see him using kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The zombie ones. | |
| Chimps give zero fucks. | ||
| That's one of the scariest animals in the world if it's trying to get you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because if they got a hold of you, like, you might be able to even fight off a bear to the point where the bear decides, like, you're too crazy, fuck it, I'll leave him alone. | ||
| If the bear wasn't hungry, if it's a nutty bear... | ||
| But a chimp is not going to let you win. | ||
| They're having a contest with you. | ||
| And they're going to bite your fingers off. | ||
| They're going to beat you senseless. | ||
| They're going to pull your genitals off. | ||
| They'll pull your pants off and bite your asshole. | ||
| They know how to hurt you. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| I think it would be one of the most terrifying animals to have to face in an encounter. | ||
| Yeah, I'd probably take my chances with something like a shark before a chimpanzee. | ||
| People live in chimpanzee fights, too, but they get ripped apart. | ||
| Sometimes people get rescued. | ||
| It's usually in preserves that all this stuff happens, too, by the way. | ||
| In the wild, it's very rare that a chimpanzee attacks a person. | ||
| But did you see that picture that I had on Twitter the other day of a jaguar that got killed with his bare hands? | ||
| We don't make men like this anymore. | ||
| It's an old black and white photo. | ||
| Motherfucker killed a jaguar with his hands. | ||
| Bare hands, it says. | ||
| It's on my Twitter page. | ||
| It's just yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, look at this motherfucker. | ||
| Carl Akeley, I salute you, you fucking savage of a man. | ||
| You real man. | ||
| You make me feel weak as a bitch. | ||
| Look at that goddamn savage. | ||
| He killed a leopard with his hands. | ||
| That's how you know. | ||
| That's how you know you can hold up under pressure. | ||
| When you're duking it out with a cat. | ||
| That's a big cat too. | ||
| It's not a big leopard. | ||
| What do you think that weighs? | ||
| 120? | ||
| No, it's not that heavy. | ||
| Does it say how he actually did it? | ||
| That's like 70 pounds, 60, 70 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he crack the neck? | |
| Look at it compared to his body. | ||
| No, it doesn't say how he did it. | ||
| At least I didn't read it. | ||
| Look at it in relationship to his body. | ||
| It's a perspective thing. | ||
| If you brought the head all the way down to the ground, the head is suspended about where his knee is. | ||
| It's hanging by its back feet. | ||
| If you brought the head all the way to the ground, it really wouldn't even be as long as most of his upper body. | ||
| Why was he even engaged with the animal? | ||
| Almost of his lower body, rather. | ||
| Did he come after him? | ||
| Yeah, attacked him. | ||
| Jumped him, tried to eat him. | ||
| People have been selling, ever since I've been putting up pictures from trail cameras, people have been sending me trail camera photos of mountain lions that they catch in their yards, or mountain lions that they catch near their house. | ||
| A guy sent me one today, from Florida, of these two fucking muscular Florida panthers. | ||
| You know, I've never seen a panther. | ||
| Never seen a mountain lion? | ||
| No, I've seen mountain lions, but I've never seen a panther. | ||
| Same animal. | ||
| It's smaller though, isn't it? | ||
| Um, maybe. | ||
| Maybe it doesn't get enough food. | ||
| I mean, I was in the Keys a couple weeks ago when we were talking about that because they had the signs up to beware of them, you know. | ||
| Well, like most fucked up things in Florida, the population is growing. | ||
| The population of fucked up people in Florida is growing. | ||
| The population of fucked up cats is growing. | ||
| The population of alligators is growing. | ||
| The population of bass salts abusers is growing. | ||
| Florida is fucking crazy. | ||
| And Don Myrera is going to be there this weekend, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That can't be real. | ||
| Segway. | ||
| Now, that's a Segway. | ||
| I want to put that in my driveway just to scare the fuck out of people. | ||
| Hey, Brian, can we set up a GoPro on the werewolf, please? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Can we do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's figure that out. | ||
| That's your next project. | ||
| That is fucking terrifying. | ||
| Set up a GoPro for the werewolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got that drop cam. | |
| Every time I walk in here, it bothers me. | ||
| Did you see the picture of Eddie Bravo? | ||
| Eddie Bravo Radio used the podcast studio the other night. | ||
| Powerful Jamie stepped in, saved the day. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's computer crashed, and Eddie called me up last minute. | ||
| He's like, dude, I'm fucked. | ||
| The podcast was in a half an hour, and my computer's crashed. | ||
| So he came over and used this place. | ||
| But when he did, he took all his clothes off and took a photo of him fucking the werewolf. | ||
| Pulled that shit up. | ||
| Eddie Bravo will commit to things in a way that very few people can. | ||
| I love this fucking dude. | ||
| He's so crazy. | ||
| This is a total Eddie Bravo picture that he would send you. | ||
| This epitomizes why I love this dude. | ||
| This is one of the reasons why he got a job as a writer on The Man Show. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's crazy. | ||
| Look how he's committing to it. | ||
| He's screaming. | ||
| At the top of his lungs, all of his clothes are off, and he's banging the werewolf from behind. | ||
| It would have been a little bit better if he had a little bit more of an angle so we could actually see his ass cheeks, so we know he's really, really naked. | ||
| He's so crazy, though. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's so silly. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| Powerful Eddie Bravo. | ||
| So, yeah, we're going to let other people do it, too. | ||
| So, you know, all of our friends who do podcasts, I know Tommy wanted to use it at one point in time, and Duncan's going to use it, like, whenever they need to do shit with cameras and what have you. | ||
| I think it makes this place more the merrier. | ||
| I feel like the more good conversations we have in this place, I feel like it soaks into the walls. | ||
| It's good energy, yeah. | ||
| I love this fucking place. | ||
| When I come here, I feel like I'm at home. | ||
| I feel like this is our weird little portal to the rest of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's very cool. | |
| I mean, I like the Laugh Factory, you know, but just for the comfort of being on a stage I'm comfortable on. | ||
| Well, that's also a stage you performed at for like two and a half decades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right? | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
| Yeah, since the late 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's even more, right? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| 46? | ||
| 40... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| 46? | ||
| 2014. Oh. | ||
| 26, rather. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm 46, is what I meant. | ||
| I graduated in 85. I was 21. I was probably at the left factor, 89 and 90. Doing half talking and half adding my age in there. | ||
| What year did we do? | ||
| In 86, I was not 21. I was 21 and 88. Joe, what year did we do full frontal comedy? | ||
| I can't do math while you're talking to me. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| It's pretty complicated. | ||
| Full frontal comedy? | ||
| 93, I think. | ||
| Did we? | ||
| The one in Montreal? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That was... | ||
| Oh, that was Danger Zone. | ||
| That was also Showtime, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I think it must have been 94 then. | ||
| That's when Don Herrera and I became pool playing partners. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, we met in Amsterdam Billiards. | ||
| We first found out that we each played pool. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Total luck by chance. | ||
| I was in town doing a gig. | ||
| Don was doing a gig. | ||
| We wound up knocking some balls around together. | ||
| And I said, you got a good stroke there, Mr. Herrera. | ||
| You got a better stroke, Rogan. | ||
| You play pretty good, fella. | ||
| For a comedian. | ||
| The All Comedians Pool League is you, Ari Shafir, me, What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adam Farrar. | |
| Adam Farrar plays very good. | ||
| Adam Farrar plays very good. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons plays very good. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| And what I was trying to think of is Craig Anthony. | ||
| Craig Anthony from the movies? | ||
| Or Anthony... | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Craig Robinson. | ||
| Who's Craig Anthony? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh, the guy from Breakfast Club? | |
| Someone's Craig Anthony. | ||
| Why do I know that name? | ||
| Craig Robinson from, yeah. | ||
| Craig Anthony, a fighter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Craig Robinson. | ||
| Craig Robinson from This Is The End. | ||
| Did you see him in This Is The End? | ||
| That's the latest move? | ||
| He's on The Office, right? | ||
| James Franco? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Good guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's a poet, Craig Anthony. | |
| You're thinking of a poet. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, Craig Robinson. | ||
| Sorry, Craig. | ||
| Craig's hilarious. | ||
| And he's a really good pool player, too, apparently. | ||
| Vinny Favrito can play, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I've never seen him, but I've heard he plays really good. | ||
| Tried to hustle me. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Too slick. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I'm not going to hustle Domorrera. | ||
| It can't fucking happen. | ||
| You don't have a gambling issue, do you? | ||
| I love to gamble, but I don't gamble much money. | ||
| I love gambling on football. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| The juice of it is a riot. | ||
| Just adding a little spark to the game. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm talking like 50 bucks. | ||
| Nothing that I'm... | ||
| Yeah, I think that should be legal, man. | ||
| Oh, it's so stupid. | ||
| It bums me out that that's not. | ||
| I feel like you should be able to bet at any corner. | ||
| You know, there should be some sort of a way that you could... | ||
| You know, like, fucking regulate how it gets taxed or, you know, where we can all meet and gamble on things. | ||
| We should be able to bet against each other. | ||
| We should be able to put our money jointly into something and it gets deposited into either one of our accounts if we win. | ||
| And the government takes a little piece off the top to make sure it gets taxed. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Let people gamble. | ||
| You go to any police station and they have football pools. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And they shouldn't get in trouble for that either. | ||
| It's fucking ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm telling Brian Dunning that I'm doing a podcast. | |
| Oh, is he here right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, that's it, Don Marrero. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| We've got to wrap this bitch up. | ||
| It was fun, man. | ||
| It's always fun. | ||
| You're my brother. | ||
| We've been friends a long fucking time, pal. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It's a great history. | ||
| Yeah, it's been a lot of fun. | ||
| We've had some good times. | ||
| I still think I could beat you in a fight. | ||
| I know you do, but that's because you're on Xanax. | ||
| And I wouldn't even fight back because I'm on pot. | ||
| I love you, buddy. | ||
| Love you, Joe. | ||
| Thanks for having me on. | ||
| If you're around next Wednesday, we're doing an Ice House show. | ||
| I'm in Knoxville. | ||
| Knoxville, Tennessee. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Anything you ever want me to tweet, brother, you know it. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| My friends love you. | ||
| The comedy people love you, the people that get a hold of me on Twitter, they're huge fans of Dom Herrera. | ||
| And one of the things they love most about the podcast is being introduced to all these great comedians, whether it's Joey or Ari or you. | ||
| So it helps everybody. | ||
| So I'm more than happy to do it, my brother. | ||
| Thanks, Joe. | ||
| I'll talk to you. | ||
| Dom Irera on Twitter. | ||
| The two R's. | ||
| I-double-R-E-R-A. This is Dom Irera with one R. You fuck. | ||
| You fucking fraud. | ||
| There must be a guy who's... | ||
| Mr. Irene. | ||
| If there isn't a fake Dom Irera, they already put it together. | ||
| Thanks to Squarespace, go to squarespace.com, enter in the code JOE and the number 1, that's JOE and the number 1, to save yourself some money. | ||
| And if you want to enter into the podcast sponsorship slash... | ||
| Squarespace contest, we will pick four winners that have designed the most beautiful website, and Squarespace will give these winners a free year of Squarespace, and we'll send these winners a swag bag with items like an Apple keyboard, a t-shirt, a moleskin, and more. | ||
| You know what, fucking, I'm going to throw in a Higher Prime 8 t-shirt. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| You get a free Higher Primate t-shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw a lot of those in Texas, man. | |
| I'm just doing that because I'm nice. | ||
| Okay, I just made it up on the spot. | ||
| Tweet those ideas by this January the 17th to hashtag JRESquarespace. | ||
| And the Higher Primate t-shirt, you'll be able to choose whichever one you want. | ||
| I just made it up right there. | ||
| How do you like that? | ||
| That's how I roll, Dom Herrera. | ||
| When I'm with you, I get inspired. | ||
| I've never seen you roll. | ||
| I run with things. | ||
| Ting, thank you also to Ting for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| Hugely happy with this as a sponsor. | ||
| And nothing but positive results. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Go there and save $25 off your first Ting device when you sign up, you fucking freaks. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Much love, you dirty fucks, and we will see you in about 15 minutes with Brian Dunning. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mwah! |
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