All Episodes
Oct. 21, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:52:06
Joe Rogan Experience #406 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky
Participants
Main voices
c
christina pazsitzky
25:11
j
joe rogan
01:43:01
t
tom segura
30:48
Appearances
b
brian redban
03:44
Clips
j
josh olin
00:04
| Copy link to current segment

Speaker Time Text
joe rogan
Hello, freaks.
What the fuck is going on out there in freak world?
And you're like, hey man, I'm not a freak.
But you are.
You really are.
Everybody is.
It's impossible to avoid.
If you think you're not a freak, you're more likely a freak.
If you think you're a freak, you're probably normal.
tom segura
That's probably the truth.
joe rogan
If you're like, I don't fucking fit in, man, you're probably normal.
But all you weirdos who think this makes sense, oh, fuck you.
Fuck you all.
I'm not a freak.
unidentified
Yes, you are.
joe rogan
This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.
Listen, freaks, I know you need a website.
Everybody does.
I've been telling my fucking trainer about this shit for weeks.
Like, oh my god, I gotta do it.
Dude, Brian's done a hundred of them while we've done the commercials.
It's so fucking easy.
Squarespace lets you make a real professional-looking website and do it so easily.
And you don't even have to use your money to try it.
It's a beautiful situation.
What you do is you try, you sign up, you test it, you enter in your information as far as like your name and all that jazz.
But you don't have to enter in your credit card information at all until you decide that you want to use it.
So try it out.
Create a website and then go, you know what?
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You decide, you know what man?
Our band needs a way to sell our music online.
You can do that on Squarespace!
Why are you fucking around?
Why are you glued to your couch, you fucking lazy bitch?
Today, just for once in your goddamn life, do it.
Just get up and be the person that you could be.
Live to your fucking potential.
Go make a fucking website.
You can put together an events calendar, social media integrations.
You can, you know, connect it to Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr.
It also works on everything.
It works on Android phones, works on Windows, works on a Mac, works on different browsers, which was always the big thing when you had a fucking website.
Like some asshole has to try to break out like Netscape.
Use your shit on Netscape and it comes out of boxes that are fucking stacked on top of each other.
By the way, none of the websites created during the making of this podcast reflect reality.
Tom does not like cock.
He's a happily married man.
unidentified
To a woman.
joe rogan
These are just jokes.
His wife is here, okay?
We have actual solid evidence that he likes women.
brian redban
His beard is here.
joe rogan
Tom has butt sex in this house.
And that is online right now.
That's how easy it is to make a website with Squarespace.
tom segura
You know what?
This is it.
I'm walking off.
Come on.
joe rogan
My brother!
Easy, easy with that.
Use the code word Joe and the number 10 and you will save 10%.
10 for the month of October.
You will save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts.
Includes monthly and annual plans.
We are very happy with Squarespace.
We like them very much and I cannot recommend them enough.
I think it's a really fantastic resource if you want to create your own website.
Go there.
Code Joe and the number 10. All one word.
Joe10.
We're also brought to you by Stamps.com.
Stamps.com Is a wonderful resource for sending things through the mail.
Oh my goodness, is it so much better than going to the goddamn post office and making someone weigh your packages and shit.
Like, let's just say you create a website with Squarespace, then you could fucking sell the shit that you make on stamps.com.
You print up your own U.S. postage.
They provide you with a digital scale.
If you use the offer code JRE, there's like an old-timey microphone up in the upper right-hand corner.
You click on that and enter in the code word JRE And when you do that, they'll give you a $110 special offer, which includes $55 of free postage and a free digital scale that you are not allowed to weigh mushrooms on.
No, no, no!
tom segura
It's a sweet scale, though.
joe rogan
No!
Don't you do it.
And don't try to send that shit through the mail.
Seriously.
If you do, don't use the postage service.
tom segura
That's a federal crime.
joe rogan
Super illegal.
What you need to do is hire someone who doesn't speak English and have them walk that shit there for you.
christina pazsitzky
There you go.
tom segura
Preferably somebody that just arrived.
joe rogan
And from a really, like, safe country, like Germany.
Somewhere, like, you know, you're not going to, like, red flag a German guy walking, like, this guy's fine.
unidentified
He's fine.
tom segura
Blonde hair.
joe rogan
He's probably just out engineering or some shit.
Stamp.com, use the code word JRE to get your $110 bonus offer.
If you've ever seen any of those Death Squad kitty cat shirts that John, uh, John.
brian redban
John, John the Taylor Thomas.
joe rogan
That Brian, Brian makes.
I don't know why I call you John.
brian redban
Everyone calls me John.
That's my real name.
joe rogan
No, I'm reading and talking at the same time.
Those are all sent by this service.
It's so simple.
It's what Brian uses.
I've talked to quite a few people that sell things and send them through the mail on stamps.com because the postman actually comes to your house, you give them the packages, and you're diggity-diggity done.
brian redban
That's what Tommy and Christine do to sell all their shit.
unidentified
Absolutely.
christina pazsitzky
We used Dance.com before they sponsored your mom's house.
See this?
unidentified
It's good.
tom segura
It really is good.
joe rogan
You guys sell a lot of shit through your mom's house, right?
You're big on like...
What was the one line?
tom segura
The new one?
joe rogan
The black guy that's yelling something like that?
unidentified
Bikes!
brian redban
Bikes!
unidentified
Yeah.
tom segura
The new Bikes shirt.
christina pazsitzky
Huge seller.
brian redban
It's so cute watching them work together, too.
You go home and they have their whole little setup and they share...
joe rogan
We'll talk about that in a minute.
We'll talk about that in a minute because I do want to bring that up because you guys are adorable.
Anyway, that's Stamps.com.
The code word is J-R-E. Use that and get yourself your $110 bonus offer.
It's an excellent product.
Used by both Your Mom's House Podcast and DeathSquad.tv.
We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.
That's O-N-N-I-T. If you haven't been to Onnit in a while...
We don't just have supplements anymore.
We started calling the company a human optimization company.
This is a human optimization site.
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We're trying to sell things that we use.
I'm trying to sell the things that I use as far as strength and conditioning equipment like kettlebells and battle ropes.
All that stuff I use.
Ab wheels and chin-up bars.
All these things that promote functional strength as well as all the different healthy supplements and foods that we eat.
We're just trying to sell you the best shit possible for increasing human cognition, for recovering quicker, for keeping your body healthy, for strengthening your immune system.
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O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. You will save 10% off any and all supplements.
Aren't you dirty bitches?
Tom motherfucking Segura.
And Christina, her last name should be Segura.
Boom.
Hit the music, son.
unidentified
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day.
Joe Rogan Podcast by night.
joe rogan
All day.
Booyah!
Booyah!
Tom, motherfucking cigar, Christina, motherfucking buzzer scream!
And December 31st, there's a big Death Squad show at the American Comedy Company in San Diego, California.
unidentified
California.
joe rogan
And I know of at least one person who you can't even say his name that he's going to be there because he's not contractually allowed to.
But he's fucking hilarious.
So that's at least one that you know.
We can't even tell you who's on this fucking show is what we're trying to say.
It's some top secret shit.
It's Halloween.
There might be zombies.
brian redban
I got my Halloween outfit also.
It's a bad ass.
christina pazsitzky
What are you going to be, Bri, Bri?
joe rogan
A man.
brian redban
My hat is a tip.
christina pazsitzky
I'm sorry.
brian redban
My hat is a tip.
christina pazsitzky
I know what you're going to be.
I know exactly what you're going to be.
joe rogan
Your hat is a tip.
christina pazsitzky
Can I guess?
joe rogan
You're a dickhead?
christina pazsitzky
You're going to be a dolphin vagina.
brian redban
Yeah.
It's a dolphin with pubic hair.
joe rogan
This is a mess.
And this right now.
And this path of thinking and communication.
Stop.
tom segura
Oh, Brian.
joe rogan
What I was going to say is that you guys, when we were talking in the commercials, you guys, like, are the only comedian couple that I know where it actually works.
That's why I hate generalizations.
I hate generalizations.
They drive me nuts.
Because, you know, when someone says, well, you know, all these men are angry this, or all these women are angry that, or, you know, this is that, and that...
Well, comedians, they can never get along together.
It just doesn't work.
Two creative people, two people that think they're funny together, it's not gonna work.
It never does.
It's always like, either the girl's funnier than the guy, or the guy's funnier than the girl, and there's always this weird fucking resentment thing.
You guys are the only ones that I know that actually pull it off.
christina pazsitzky
I know.
joe rogan
Where you're both funny.
unidentified
What's up?
joe rogan
And you actually are like, you're really best friends.
unidentified
We are.
joe rogan
On top of being married.
Like, you have this air of, it's very different than the air of most couples, you know?
christina pazsitzky
You think so?
joe rogan
Much different.
christina pazsitzky
Much different.
Well, I think we enjoy each other.
Legitimately.
Like, we enjoy each other's sense of humor.
Legit, yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
And I think he's super talented and amazing.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's the weird thing about it.
You guys, you both actually like each other.
tom segura
We do.
joe rogan
It doesn't make any sense.
tom segura
We support each other.
joe rogan
Trying to figure it out.
I've been trying to, I'm studying guys for years.
I'm like, there's something wrong here.
tom segura
It is funny.
I didn't know what's wrong with them.
I didn't realize it.
And then I, a guy, a guy who's married to a comic, or was, I don't know anymore, because I haven't seen him in a while.
But he was like, hey man, he saw me at an audition.
He's like, You get pissed when Christina gets something and you don't get it?
unidentified
That's the best.
And I go, no.
christina pazsitzky
That's super healthy, yeah.
tom segura
I don't.
joe rogan
That's super healthy.
tom segura
He goes, that's my problem, man.
I get super pissed when my wife gets something.
Wow.
That's not good.
joe rogan
You need to go to a doctor.
christina pazsitzky
Word.
joe rogan
But that's a natural reaction with a lot of people that have never thought about their thinking.
A lot of people's thinking just operates on momentum.
And, you know, you might say, oh, that guy's an asshole.
And they might be an asshole in all respects because of the way they behave.
But it's the paths that get you onto thinking like that that are the real problem.
tom segura
Right.
joe rogan
It's like a lot of people when they do asshole as shit, while they're doing the asshole as shit, they're barely even aware that they're doing it.
unidentified
Right.
They just...
joe rogan
You know, they have something wrong with them, whatever it is.
Emotionally, whatever is in balance, and it just comes out like that.
But a lot of it is just like, how do you get to that?
Like, how do you think about things?
Like, what is your choice that you make?
Like, when someone...
If you feel guilt, or you feel rather...
I'm not guilt, I was jealousy.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
If you feel jealousy because your spouse got something, if you feel that, you should repel that.
You should figure out what the fuck is wrong with that and go, no, no, no.
This should be inspiring.
This should be wonderful.
This should be fantastic.
Whatever it is that's trying to flare up its ugly green head, you've got to learn how to suppress that.
Some people never do.
christina pazsitzky
Or explore why the feeling is there.
unidentified
Yes.
christina pazsitzky
Because usually when you're jealous of something someone else is doing, it's because you want that thing and maybe you're not doing what you need to be doing.
joe rogan
Absolutely.
christina pazsitzky
That's really what that is.
joe rogan
Absolutely.
There's a lot of that for sure, but I think there's a few elements.
I think there's also just a natural competitive element that a lot of people have to fight off that they don't realize this person is not your enemy just because this person is winning.
This person is not your enemy because they're ahead of you in this race.
That's just inspiration.
That's just a person.
If you decide to create a gang of enemies for everybody, you can do it.
Or you can have a gang of friends and just inspire each other.
That's totally possible as well with the same group of people if everybody gets their shit together.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, we were just talking about kind of the atmosphere that you fostered by being supportive of other comedians, and that's actually very rare.
I don't think a lot of people are secure enough to do that, and it's awesome.
tom segura
What we were talking about is indicative of truly successful people try to make other people, inspire other people to be successful.
Because you're not afraid of...
Bringing people along and trying to encourage their success.
joe rogan
Well, a lot of people are afraid of losing their gig.
A lot of people are afraid of someone bumping them out.
But I've got a lot of gigs.
I just keep doing different shit.
And if I didn't do any of these things, I'll find something else to do.
There's a lot of shit out there to do, man.
If you get tripped up on what other people are doing, you're missing out on your own life.
You've got to look at everybody who's doing something awesome and go, fuck yeah.
That's what you've got to do.
You've got to go, that can help me.
I see this motherfucker out there humping.
When I find out about a guy who's a really hard worker, like a Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh is a super hard worker.
He and I had this conversation because he got accused of being a lazy writer.
During that whole heckler thing, someone called him lazy.
You know that whole heckler thing where some woman yelled out, uh, rape is never funny?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if five guys raped her right now?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah.
Which was really funny.
joe rogan
Very rude.
But I described that on stage.
I'm like, that's actually the move.
That's actually what you would do.
Like, if you're a black belt in comedy...
It's the equivalent to the counter to the over-committed kimura, the far side arm bar.
Like if you're doing jujitsu and a guy tries to commit to a kimura but he doesn't have control of his body, you spin around and you take the far side arm bar.
It's a standard move if you know jujitsu.
It's the black belt move.
This is the black belt move in a comedy club.
If someone says rape is never funny, like, oh god, you sanctimonious, self-righteous fuckhead.
Is it?
I didn't know.
I thought it was hilarious.
tom segura
I thought it was, yeah.
joe rogan
How stupid are you?
You're making a statement That's so ridiculous.
Of course it's never funny, but it's funny right there because he just made it funny.
It's not the actual rape, but the use of the word.
tom segura
Sure.
joe rogan
Then he got accused of being lazy.
That fucking guy is the least lazy person I know.
He pumps it.
tom segura
When I go to...
He doesn't go there as much anymore, but for a long time, every time I would go to Hermosa Beach, he used to live really close to the club.
He would come in...
And I'm saying like, if I did five spots in a row there, he would have fucking five pages of notes and try new jokes every single set.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's always working, man.
But my point was that I see a guy like that and I get totally fired up to work.
I get fired up to create, like when I see someone have a new set, like if a new guy comes in town, like Chappelle used to come to the store all the time and he would come and I'd watch them do like an hour and just, God, I want to go right.
I just immediately want to go right.
And that's a super important thing for artists.
You can really waste a lot of energy on that jealousy thing.
It's super easy to do.
And here's the thing, though.
It doesn't just waste time.
It doesn't just waste thinking.
Because it takes away...
From that time and that thinking from really good shit you could have been doing.
You could have been busting your ass writing new jokes.
You could have been thinking about how to improve yourself.
You could have been reading a book on accepting a new empowering philosophy in your life.
You could have been doing so many different things instead of tripping out about somebody else.
But you see it all the time!
It's essentially...
When people are writing these really critical blogs Oh, that one makes me bananas.
Yeah, I mean, they're essentially doing the same thing.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
They're essentially doing the same thing.
Because nobody's writing, like, these super hypercritical blogs.
Nobody knows people are happy.
Nobody knows people are successful.
They're, like, in this weird limbo.
I shouldn't say none of them.
I said I hate generalizations, and I made one.
tom segura
No, it's okay.
joe rogan
I'm a hypocrite.
tom segura
Well, it's kind of like...
It's a little bit of that, too, exists in, like...
joe rogan
Disproportionate criticism.
tom segura
Yeah.
But almost like to go out of your way to tag a YouTube video as how much you hate it.
You're like, it's really not about that video.
It's about other things.
joe rogan
Oh, sometimes it is, though.
tom segura
Well, yeah.
joe rogan
Sometimes it's about that video.
tom segura
Sometimes it is.
But sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's not.
joe rogan
The sheer volume of shit that's on the internet.
Did you lose your power or sound?
Disconnect?
tom segura
There we go.
joe rogan
The sheer volume of shit that's on the internet now.
I've been, you know, writing this bit, or been doing this bit on stage lately about the evolution of porn from when I was a child, but it's just...
It's hard for me to stop and think about a time where nothing came to you from the internet.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
But I grew up in that time.
tom segura
Right.
joe rogan
That was how I grew up.
brian redban
Most of your life.
joe rogan
Yeah, most of my life.
And so now when I look at it, it's just become this normal part of my everyday existence.
For kids, I can't imagine growing up with it.
It's such a different world.
christina pazsitzky
The amount of information they get.
Actually, let's go back to this pornography thing, because we were just talking about that.
The stuff that I saw first, from the 80s, like Ron Jeremy.
I grew up on Ron Jeremy, full bush.
It was always playful scenarios, like, there's a forklift, let's hump on it.
And now I feel like it's so aggressive.
Yeah.
And it doesn't feel consensual and fun as it did in the 70s and 80s.
joe rogan
Well, there's still some consensual stuff, but the problem is the aggressive stuff is really popular.
tom segura
It sells really well.
joe rogan
It's not the most popular thing, but it's just so shocking that you focus on it.
christina pazsitzky
I guess, yeah.
joe rogan
You find it and you go, Jesus Christ.
I watched this Sasha Gray video.
It was just like this blowjob gangbang.
And I was like, wow.
Where's a person's head at while all these different guys are just balls deep in her face?
tom segura
Like throat fucking.
joe rogan
Throat fucking.
And she's like telling him how much his ball stinks and asking him if he ever washes his fucking balls.
Then she spits on his dick and just...
unidentified
It's like, god damn.
joe rogan
Like, that's a totally different thing than one of those 1980s Ron Jeremy, you know, softer era porn.
tom segura
It sounds like just good filmmaking right there.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, those people back then were fucking, yeah, they were having sex and everything.
It was all that.
But there's such a difference between that and, like, this thing they're doing now.
Every guy is on, like, 15 pills of Viagra.
Their dicks are crowbars.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, their dicks never go limp, and they just stick it everywhere, and you fuck their mouth, and you fuck their mouth.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, and it felt like the Nina Hartleys back then.
Those women were like, I love sex, I'm pro-sex, and let's make these movies.
joe rogan
What do you think that is?
Why is it like that?
What was it like or why is it now?
Why did that become a genre?
When it didn't exist initially, why is it a genre now?
christina pazsitzky
The aggression thing?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Because it's a part of humanity that needs to be expressed and now it is.
Like you said, there's a bit of a taboo attached maybe.
I don't know.
unidentified
Yeah, I think that's probably a lot of it, right?
tom segura
I did a joke about it on my Thrilled CD about 80s porn, and then a porn star heard it and wrote to me from the 80s, and she was like, yeah, when we did porn back then, it was like we were like a fam, not, you know, incestuous, but it was like we all did it, and you were buddies with the sound guy, almost like, what's that fucking movie?
The Dirk Diggler.
Boogie Nights.
Everybody knew each other, and it was like you knew that camp real well.
And I think it was probably a lot fewer people doing it because there's no...
You released it on film at that point.
And then now it's like, hold up your handheld camera.
They shoot a fucking thousand scenes a day, and everybody knows you can put it online, and you've got to tap into a market, right?
So there's different genres, and it's all about just...
Creating as much content as possible and hitting every realm of sexuality that you can't even imagine.
brian redban
There's not even porn stars anymore.
Back in the day, everyone had their porn stars, like their Jenna James and stuff.
Nowadays, there's so many girls doing it because of cam sites and stuff like that, that seems like it's just diluted the whole entire waters of...
tom segura
And the tube sites have been crushing that business, from what I understand.
joe rogan
What's funny because that business is a legit business.
It was making billions of dollars a year.
It was totally legal.
And yet, when the economy collapsed and the internet came along and sucked porn dry.
Like, you know, literally.
Like, porn's dead.
As far as the amount of money those guys used to make producing it, they used to sell DVDs.
The DVDs would sell a lot.
tom segura
And like $50 DVDs, right?
It was expensive.
joe rogan
Yeah, that business still exists to a certain extent, but a lot of it is evaporated.
And because it's evaporated, the business has been hit hard.
But nobody ever thinks about bailing out the porn business.
That is the last thing the government would ever do.
I mean, if you think about like you're trying to protect the economy and different businesses are, you know, critical to the economy.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
Porn might be critical to the economy.
christina pazsitzky
To Americans, definitely.
tom segura
Definitely.
christina pazsitzky
Definitely.
But why the multiple dick thing?
Why?
joe rogan
I'm with it to a point.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, like the aggression.
And maybe it has something to do about...
Are we repressing aggression in society?
And is that why it's coming out?
joe rogan
Well, we definitely are doing that.
Especially if people don't exercise.
christina pazsitzky
There you go.
joe rogan
We're definitely doing that.
Because we're...
We're moving towards an era where it won't be necessary anymore, where aggression won't be necessary anymore.
I really believe that.
I think that that's ultimately what's...
The reason why people are avoiding...
They're a bore of violence and why they hate, you know...
All the evil aspects of life, like war.
The reason why all that is because I think the human mind as a whole recognizes that it's operating on some really old ideas that it doesn't need to do anymore.
And eventually we're going to move towards a point where there's some sort of complete consolidation of the human race as far as our ability to communicate with each other.
I hope so.
I think we're moving towards this time of not doing all that stuff.
I think it's pretty clear.
christina pazsitzky
I know.
Can I tell you, though?
I mean, have you done the Middle East?
joe rogan
No.
No, I'm not going over there.
christina pazsitzky
I know.
unidentified
See?
christina pazsitzky
And that reaction is right.
joe rogan
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Because I've been there like two times.
And part of me goes, I sure hope the human race gets it together and we can communicate.
And then you go, some cultures are so incompatible with our Western way of being.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Like, will we ever be able to?
joe rogan
I think the internet's going to open all that shit up.
I really do.
I think it's only a matter of time.
I think you can't hold it back for more than a generation or two.
I think eventually it's just going to overwhelm it.
tom segura
Right.
The places that it's being kind of repressed now will eventually...
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
You can't stop it.
joe rogan
Well, you know what you're not going to be able to stop?
The death of religion.
christina pazsitzky
Never.
joe rogan
You're not going to stop it.
christina pazsitzky
That is a fundamental human need to want something bigger than yourself to fear death so much that you need that.
joe rogan
Yeah, I was actually saying that you're not going to stop the death of religion.
That it won't exist in the future.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, right, right, right.
joe rogan
Right, right, right.
You don't agree with it.
You think it's always going to be...
christina pazsitzky
I don't know if humans will...
The thing is that humans are fundamentally afraid of...
They're afraid of dying, right?
There's the death drive and the sex drive, as Freud said.
joe rogan
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
And I think that humans are so afraid of...
Of the unknown, of the part we don't know.
And then that's a great comfort.
And it's existed since we've existed.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It'll always exist.
christina pazsitzky
God.
joe rogan
But I think that's just the sense of wonder and also the knowledge that we're finite.
You know, that freaks us out.
christina pazsitzky
That's terrifying.
joe rogan
So in a sense, I agree with you in definitely the sense that people replace it.
So if it's not going to be God, then it's going to be like spirituality and yoga.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that's what I am.
joe rogan
That's where I'm at.
I just feel the oneness of the universe.
Or if you've done mushrooms, you go, oh, okay.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
Okay, this might get real weird.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, because I think that New Age Oprah stuff is replacing traditional religion.
joe rogan
It would be all replaced by mushrooms if they were legal.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
All those dummies would be out of business.
Deepak Chopra, out of business.
tom segura
Just from Trimbley?
joe rogan
All of them.
Fuck yeah.
The philosophy of the world would change.
tom segura
We were talking about, I think you get a totally different perspective on religion.
When you live in an era where a new religion finds great success, you get to see, like, seeing Scientology, you know, I wasn't there for, like, the actual inception of it, but, like, seeing how it has progressed and grown and seeing everybody's views towards it, you have to imagine that there's seeing how it has progressed and grown and seeing everybody's views towards it, you have to imagine that there's a lot of parallels for what, however you view that, and if Absolutely.
It's got to be very similar.
joe rogan
Absolutely, except the distribution of information is much freer.
tom segura
It's much freer, yeah.
joe rogan
Back then it was much more secretive, and you know, when Constantine and all those bishops got together and created the New Testament, you know, they got to decide.
People got to decide what stays in, what goes out.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, they got to decide what they put in and say, it's just, come on.
tom segura
But it makes you want, like, when you go, because you hear a lot of, you know, people obviously be hypercritical of Scientology, and you go, this is absurd.
You know, they criticize everything about it, and you go, well, if you go back, you know, how is your thing more valuable?
christina pazsitzky
The Catholic Church was tithing people.
tom segura
You're talking about angels and saints.
unidentified
Right.
tom segura
You know, and immaculate conception.
Well, you're like, yeah, but we've been doing that for a couple thousand years.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that's true.
tom segura
That's the only argument, is that it's way older.
joe rogan
There's a new scholar that claims, or a new published work by the scholar that claims that Jesus was a creation, and that the Romans made him up as a hoax.
christina pazsitzky
What?
joe rogan
Yeah.
He's the author of a book entitled Caesar's Messiah, the Roman Conspiracy to Invent Jesus.
It asserts that Christianity did not begin as a religion but was actually a sophisticated government propaganda exercise used to pacify subjects of the Roman Empire.
His take on Jesus is not new, apparently.
In 1844, Karl Marx famously declared religion as the opiate of the masses.
History is filled with skeptics, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It's based on what he described as an important, revealing parallels between a first-person account of first-century Judea, which was an ancient Roman province, now a part of Israel and Palestine, and the New Testament.
Sequence of events, locations in Jesus' ministry are more or less the same as the sequence of events and locations of the military campaign of Emperor Titus Flavius, as described by Josephus.
Atwill wrote in a blog on his website.
Isn't it cool that they were like Josephus?
christina pazsitzky
That would have been your name.
joe rogan
That would have been my name.
Or it would be your name if you live in like Virginia.
christina pazsitzky
Virginia.
joe rogan
This is Josephus.
Josephus makes the moonshine.
There's moonshine you can buy at the store, but that's bullshit.
tom segura
Ask Tickle.
joe rogan
You want to get it from Josephus.
We gotta use hickory wood.
unidentified
If you don't use hickory wood, you ain't making good moonshine.
joe rogan
I like a little peach sometimes.
A little peach wood.
A peach of hard wood.
A peach of hard wood.
tom segura
Tickle and popcorn and Josephus will get you what you need.
christina pazsitzky
Yo, Tickle has his own show now.
joe rogan
So who knows whether or not this guy's right.
But it makes sense.
It makes sense what you're saying.
When you see something like Scientology in our lifetime where you know, oh, it's L. Ron Hubbard.
That guy lived.
There's photos of him.
There he is.
And then you read the other shit that he wrote and you go, hold on a minute.
Hold on a minute.
Wait.
No way.
christina pazsitzky
You mean like anyone can start one of these?
joe rogan
I got a Dianetics book in the mail.
I ordered it because when I first moved to California, I was, you know, watching TV late at night.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, like first time living out here and I didn't know anybody.
So I spent a lot of time watching TV and there was an ad for Dianetics.
I'm like, damn, I gotta get some Dianetics.
Improved my fucking life.
I didn't know Dianetics was Scientology.
So I buy the book, and it comes to my house, and I leaf through it a little bit.
It seems interesting ideas they have.
And these motherfuckers never stopped trying to get me to join.
tom segura
Really?
joe rogan
They send you these things in the mail.
They would send you these things in the mail constantly, like some new thing and some new offer, and come down here and get a personality test.
They're like very diligent.
tom segura
Relentless.
joe rogan
They're very diligent.
And someone who is just 94, someone who would buy one of those books because trying to get your shit together, those are the type of people that you would really want to target.
If you want to have a nice group of people that you can control.
christina pazsitzky
No kidding.
The vulnerable when you're at your lowest, right?
joe rogan
I was in San Diego filming a show, and right by where we were filming, there was one of those personality tests, stress tests, and an e-meter.
And I went over there, and I took it.
The guy sat down.
It was interesting, because I got a nice read from him.
The guy was in his 50s.
He had no idea who the fuck I was.
tom segura
So it was perfect.
joe rogan
So I sat down with the guy.
There wasn't any weirdness.
Like, hey, is Fear Factor coming back?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It was just some old dude.
What do you do?
And I forgot what I told him.
I don't think I told him the truth.
Or I told him a version of the truth.
So I'm holding these things.
He's asking me questions about my childhood.
Like, did you ever have a cat that died?
Like shit like that.
And I'm like, this is hilarious.
And I'm like, what happens?
These tubes are telling you what?
What are they telling you?
There's like a reading that goes through these tubes.
You're holding on to cans.
They're like coffee cans.
tom segura
He's on the other end of them?
joe rogan
There's a wire, and it's attached to a machine.
It's supposed to read your stress.
christina pazsitzky
Whoa.
joe rogan
Yeah, and from that, they can sort of give an assessment of, you know, when they prescribe Scientology.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, because aren't they called, like, engrams or something?
joe rogan
I don't understand it.
christina pazsitzky
Where you're scarred from certain moments of your life, and then they go back and try to undo the scarring.
joe rogan
Yes.
tom segura
Did he tell you what was wrong with you, though?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, what was wrong with you?
joe rogan
It's pretty normal, so I could use Scientology, though.
christina pazsitzky
Of course.
You can always use it.
joe rogan
Well, you know, I think the deal with Scientology or anything where a lot of successful people are a part of it, though, like John Travolta and Tom Cruise, and Tom Cruise especially is a very ultra-successful movie star and obviously a very driven guy.
So you see him being a part of something like that and you go, oh, well this is obviously doing this guy like a lot of good.
He's super confident and he's like really positive and radiant with his smile.
And you're like, well, if it works for this guy.
christina pazsitzky
He's so fired up.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, if it works for him, like maybe it's not so bad because you don't see like any Mormons that are like super ultra pumped to be a fucking Mormon.
tom segura
No.
unidentified
They keep that shit kind of on the DL. Nobody's excited to be Mormon.
joe rogan
It's sketchy.
Yeah.
Or Amish.
When Fuckhead was running for president, when Romney was running for president, and it came out that not, was he just Mormon, but he was from a sect that broke away from the United States because they wanted polygamy.
So they set up a compound in Mexico.
Everybody's like, dude, that's a wrap.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, done.
joe rogan
You take care.
Oh, 40, and then the 47% comment too.
tom segura
Oh, right, right, right.
joe rogan
People that are not going to vote for him anyway.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that's awesome.
joe rogan
Yeah, those two things were big.
Your dad was born in Mexico.
His dad was born in Mexico.
That's why his dad could never be president.
That's why he was running for president.
He was born in America.
His dad is a Mexican, like from Mexico because of Mormonism.
Because they all moved down to Mexico.
They denounced U.S. citizenship.
christina pazsitzky
Wow.
joe rogan
So they could fucking set up a compound where they could just...
Ball!
They just wanted eight, nine wives.
They wanted to not be locked up for it.
christina pazsitzky
So un-American.
Can I tell you, I love that show.
Have you ever seen?
I don't watch it frequently.
What is this?
The Mormon show.
All the wives.
Sister wives.
joe rogan
Oh, the HBO show.
I don't think it's on anymore.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
You're talking about a reality show?
christina pazsitzky
It's on like TLC, yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, it's a reality show.
christina pazsitzky
I don't know if you've seen The Wives, but my favorite part of the show is that you know this guy was like, this is going to be awesome.
I'm going to get five hot-ass chicks.
We're going to be doing orgies.
And they're all so fat and out of shape.
Of course.
joe rogan
No competition.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, they're the pigs.
And it's so great because it's totally the opposite of what he wanted because they pump out kids every year.
And of course.
joe rogan
How do you know that's what he wanted?
christina pazsitzky
I imagine.
Because you know why?
Because he gets a younger, a hotter model.
Every five years they allow him to get a 20-some model.
And then she balloons over the course of five years.
tom segura
So they start pretty good looking.
joe rogan
Those other girls are probably poisoning her while she sleeps.
christina pazsitzky
For sure.
joe rogan
They want to keep her fat, for sure.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, right?
tom segura
I think Vice did, at least on their YouTube channel, I think they did a profile on Romney's Mexican...
joe rogan
Past.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, they definitely did.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because Shane Smith came on the show and told us about it.
tom segura
It was pretty awesome.
What they did was awesome.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, they're badass.
tom segura
Yeah, they're badass.
joe rogan
Vice is gangster.
They go everywhere.
They're what the journalism world has been needing for a long time.
For a long time, yeah.
They're getting a lot of heat.
They get a lot of heat from the New York Times.
They got a lot of heat from legit journalists that somehow or other didn't think that their work was up to standard.
You guys are being silly bitches.
They had introduced a lot of people to a lot of really crazy shit that maybe they wouldn't have known about, and they cover everything.
tom segura
They're informing them.
joe rogan
The garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific to what's going on in North Korea.
I mean, they went to North Korea and fucking hung out with everybody and ate dinner.
They were traveling around in North Korea filming these things.
tom segura
I remember.
It was awesome.
North Korea was awesome.
joe rogan
They give zero fucks.
That Shane Smith is a bad motherfucker.
He goes to Africa and hangs out with the cannibals.
He's hanging out with the Liberian cannibals.
The guy's talking to him about eating babies.
How he's killed the innocent children of the enemy and eats their heart and drink their blood because it makes them invincible.
General Buck Naked.
This guy used to fight naked.
They called him General Buck Naked.
He's killed thousands of people and he got away with it because he became a Christian.
So when he became a Christian they absolved him of his crimes.
christina pazsitzky
Wow.
Lucky, yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, fascinating.
christina pazsitzky
You need how that works, huh?
joe rogan
Vice was right there, man.
Right there, covered that.
Fascinating shit.
tom segura
And they were in North Korea.
They did an awesome profile of North Korea before Kim Jong-il died.
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
And seeing how they got in and the reality of being in the capital city in Pyongyang and...
The way the hotel...
Everybody was basically...
You felt like they were just being watched.
They were being spied on by everybody.
They brought them the food.
You know what I mean?
To lay out the red carpet for them, but it was basically all unedible, I think he said.
It wasn't good stuff.
They took everything away.
Nobody else was eating.
joe rogan
There was no one else in the restaurant.
They pretended it was a restaurant, but it wasn't a restaurant.
They just set it up.
They set up where they were going to cook for them and made it look like a restaurant.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
There was no one else there.
tom segura
We just did it.
joe rogan
We live a good life over here.
tom segura
The movie studio.
And they're like, we've done like, Kim Jong-il's directed like 800 movies and stuff.
But he consulted on 13,000.
And he was like, wow, that's a lot of movies.
He's like, yeah, he's amazing.
joe rogan
Consulted on 13,000 movies.
christina pazsitzky
There's one Lisa Ling did ages ago.
It's on Netflix.
I watched that a while back.
And some guy escaped who worked in the guard tower.
Did you ever see this?
He got out of North Korea.
And he's like, the minute I got under a fence, the guy that he was with got trapped under the fence and died immediately, was electrocuted to death.
And he goes, the minute I knew I got out of North Korea, I knew that I had signed my family's death warrant.
Because now they go after your family.
They put them in that, what's that, their area, what is it?
tom segura
Slave 14 or whatever.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, and he's like, I just, I fucked over my entire family.
How do you deal with that kind of a guilt?
I don't know.
joe rogan
Wow.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's the big argument.
If the United States was really trying to clean up evil in the world, that's the spot we hit.
tom segura
For sure.
joe rogan
The problem is they're poor as fuck.
They're poor as fuck.
They were really trying to liberate...
A lot of them are brainwashed, you're right.
It's bad.
brian redban
I mean, they're scared.
joe rogan
Well, you would have to fucking free these people, first of all, and then you would have to slowly sort of re-indoctrinate them to the idea of freedom.
They're in one of the last great dictatorships, and it's 2013. With the internet and everything, and with your neighbor to the south, who used to be connected to you, used to be your former countryman...
Or banging out cell phones and TVs and fucking massive electronics and cars and constructing things.
And all you bitches have your lights out at night because you can't keep your electricity on.
Like, if you wanted to see what works and what doesn't work as far as happiness and a good population, you need to look no further than South Korea and North Korea.
There's the difference between living in a dictatorship and living in a democracy in the same country, the same patch of land.
Yeah.
I mean, you can't control people.
They don't like it.
It doesn't work.
And it's sort of what we were talking about earlier, about, like, the ideas of being generous and helping and loving or being a fucking weirdo who's trying to control everything.
It applies to people.
It applies to governments.
It applies to everything.
christina pazsitzky
Absolutely, right?
You can't build walls to keep people in and out.
Look what happened in East and West Germany.
Same goes building walls to keep Mexicans out.
It doesn't work.
joe rogan
Well, it does work.
That's why there's a Mexico and that's why there's a United States.
The question is, is it a good idea?
It doesn't work totally.
It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it probably works 90% of the time.
If it was wide open, there'd probably be no one in Mexico.
That shit would empty out so quick.
christina pazsitzky
Do you think?
Really?
joe rogan
Oh my goodness.
With the quickness, son.
The United States would double in population in a week.
christina pazsitzky
Well, we've got a lot of room in the Midwest, don't we?
joe rogan
Well, there's people that would love...
I mean, there's parts of Mexico that people love.
A lot of people who live in Mexico City, they love it.
christina pazsitzky
Buck Angel lives in Mexico.
joe rogan
Yep, Cancun.
He loves it.
tom segura
She loves it.
joe rogan
He loves it.
tom segura
He loves it.
I think that we would...
joe rogan
I was trying to be politically correct.
unidentified
Of course.
tom segura
I know, I know.
The economy, though.
People would come here to make money.
That's why people would come.
joe rogan
Yeah, the economy and also the...
I see both sides of it.
I see the logic in controlling our economy and not allowing people in because it allows you to maintain at least one area and try to keep it viable.
But the idea that somebody should be locked out just because they shit out of luck and were born in some terrible impoverished town in Mexico and that they can't ever get out of there and come up to where it's awesome.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
That seems to me like the only reason why that would exist is because we, as humans, think that the idea of managing the whole world is just too daunting a task.
So we have to block it off in little chunks, apply philosophies in those chunks, and then enforce the borders.
Because we're not ready to combine.
We're not ready to combine yet.
Because if you're ready to combine, the number one thing you've got to do is you've got to fix the poor spots.
christina pazsitzky
You have to fix the poor spots.
But don't you feel like one day we'll have a universal citizenship?
It won't be about this nation versus that.
Passports will be a thing of the past.
joe rogan
It's possible.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, man.
joe rogan
We would have to get over a lot of shit, though.
And we'd have to strengthen impoverished areas.
There's got to be a lot of money in rebuilding shitty neighborhoods, just like there's a lot of money in rebuilding things they blow up in Iraq.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I was just going to say, look at Iraq.
I don't know if it's a success or not.
joe rogan
We just need to get Halliburton involved in community centers.
christina pazsitzky
That's a great idea.
joe rogan
If Halliburton got involved in community centers, just rebuild Detroit.
Oh, my God.
unidentified
You just solved all our problems.
joe rogan
The contracts would be billions.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
The jobs would be intense.
christina pazsitzky
Absolutely.
joe rogan
It would be amazing.
tom segura
Right now, yeah.
That would be amazing.
Flint and Detroit.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, I don't understand why it's okay to build shit on other parts of the world that we blow up, but not build shit that just fell apart on its own over here.
christina pazsitzky
I agree.
joe rogan
We were in Detroit for that sci-fi show.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, I saw that one.
joe rogan
We went to Zug Island and we went around that area.
Wow.
It's depressing.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
You can buy a house for $100.
unidentified
That's so crazy.
joe rogan
I'm not kidding.
unidentified
I know.
tom segura
Yeah, I saw that because, you know, the government just gave or loaned, I don't know, which one of the two, Detroit, a lot of money.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, it needs it.
tom segura
Yeah, and they're saying that like, I mean, this is like a little thing, but like 40% of light posts, you know, don't work in Detroit, in the greater metropolitan area.
joe rogan
It makes sense.
tom segura
The average response time to a 911 call is 58 minutes.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
tom segura
So that means, you know, fire, ambulance.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
tom segura
It's a long fucking time.
joe rogan
That sucks.
brian redban
For an average.
tom segura
For an average, right.
joe rogan
And what's really incredible is that town was created basically on...
The business that was one of the best businesses for the United States ever, the automotive business, at one point in time, they were rocking.
My friend Justin was on the podcast, and he worked in the Ford factory for years.
christina pazsitzky
My dad worked in the Chrysler factory.
joe rogan
Yeah, and people could make a good living.
They could support a family, and they churned out these cars.
tom segura
Yeah, but then when...
Remember when they all had the bailout for the auto companies?
The big thing was...
That I think those guys overextended themselves with the offers of their benefits.
Because the whole thing was like, I think it was 20 or 30 years.
I think maybe it was 30 years.
And then you got full, incredible benefits.
And so you had essentially a lot of people that could retire at 50. Right.
joe rogan
Right.
tom segura
And that's one of the main things of why, you know...
joe rogan
So that's why they were losing money because they had to pay these guys?
tom segura
Well, eventually, I mean, you know, the automotive industry became more competitive, so they're not as dominant.
But then, yeah, one of the things that they said was a problem was that you have people who are essentially entitled to full benefits at 50 years old.
joe rogan
Yeah, Justin was also saying that there was also jobs where it required you to use two people.
There was a union contract, but they didn't really need to use two people.
So you would have, like, two-hour shifts.
Like, you would come in for two hours and do it, and then you could go leave and do whatever the fuck you want, and then another guy would come in for two hours, and you did two shifts a day.
And you each did two shifts a day.
And you got paid for a full job.
And it's just because of the greed of these auto workers, the unions, rather.
tom segura
Yeah, the unions, yeah.
joe rogan
And then, you know, another problem was they made a bunch of shitty fucking cars.
And that's not the autoworker's problem.
That's the design problem and the engineer's problems.
But goddamn, the United States made some terrible cars in the 80s.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, they fucked up everything.
They fucked up the Mustang.
They fucked up the Corvette.
They fucked up the Camaro.
They fucked up all the greatest cars that the United States has ever built.
They fucked them all up completely.
christina pazsitzky
You mean like the designs?
joe rogan
They were dog shit.
Like the late 80s and the early 90s, they were dog shit.
They were the stupidest looking, ugliest fucking cars.
It's like they were trying to tank it on purpose.
You go back in time and you look at a 1969 Mustang Fastback.
Look at like a GT500 from 1969. Those cars were a masterpiece.
The lines on them, the appeal of them, just look at them just like artistically.
They had this appeal to them.
And then they tried to make cars more gas friendly because the gas prices went up, because they had the fake gas shortage where they fucked everybody.
Right.
Oh, we ran out of gas!
Psych!
Right.
Then they just, from that point on, they all just went to shit.
They couldn't have those big V8s anymore because they only got eight miles a gallon.
So instead, they started making these stupid six-cylinder Mustangs.
It just looked like dog shit.
tom segura
And the big thing now is that what gave a big boost, at least to Dodge, was that they went to a throwback.
It was like, these look like the old designs.
joe rogan
Like the Dodge Challenger.
christina pazsitzky
The Challenger's so rad.
joe rogan
The Challenger really looks like an old one, but the Camaro looks like a new car.
I mean, it's like...
They didn't, it's got kind of a retro hot rod kind of a look to it.
tom segura
Yeah, it does, but it's still new.
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
Yeah, it looks badass.
joe rogan
They had a new, they have a new Trans Am.
Oh, really?
Yeah, a Camaro Trans Am.
tom segura
Can you still get the Falcon or the Phoenix on there?
joe rogan
Not Trans Am, I mean Z28. That's so rad.
The Trans Am was the Firebird, Z28. And the Z28, the new Camaro, is faster around a racetrack than a Porsche.
unidentified
Yeah.
tom segura
Really?
joe rogan
Weren't you in the car playing the video?
tom segura
Yes.
joe rogan
The sound of it?
Oh my god.
christina pazsitzky
Is that the one that you can make the sound of?
joe rogan
Not as good.
tom segura
I do a terrible idea.
christina pazsitzky
I love your sounds.
I saw them on Vine.
Really good.
tom segura
Check out Brian Callen.
joe rogan
For whatever reason, likes to hear me do animal noises.
christina pazsitzky
I love your animal noises.
I was so impressed.
Your dog is impeccable.
tom segura
The bear.
The bear is layered.
The noise is perfect.
And so is the lip quivering.
joe rogan
I don't know what's wrong with me.
tom segura
It's really good.
joe rogan
I really don't know what's wrong with me.
I can only do a few impressions.
I would never say I was an impressionist because I can't do a lot of impressions.
My voice range is not that good.
But if it falls in my range, I can do it.
tom segura
Alex Jones, you do it really well.
joe rogan
Yeah, I can do that guy.
tom segura
And you can do Diaz as well.
joe rogan
I can do Diaz.
See, those guys are in my range.
They're shouty, loudy guys.
tom segura
Yeah, very good.
joe rogan
I can do some people.
But you couldn't say, hey, do Justin Bieber.
tom segura
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
No.
joe rogan
Did you see that fucking video?
This is the Z28. That's the car.
christina pazsitzky
Is that Jay Leno?
joe rogan
Yeah, Jay Leno's a car fiend.
brian redban
That's his garage in Burbank.
joe rogan
They took this...
That's not the Z28. They took this Z28 and they took out everything.
All the navigation, radio.
Only has one speaker to let you know that the door goes ding, ding, ding.
They took out all that shit to make it super light and put in a 500 horsepower naturally aspirated engine.
christina pazsitzky
He's got denim on, denim on, Jalen.
tom segura
He always has denim on.
joe rogan
That's how he rocks it.
He's not growing up.
He's a Toys R Us kid.
Listen to this thing.
You hear that?
- That makes guys balls tingle.
christina pazsitzky
- Yeah.
unidentified
- Look at that thing.
- It's Malbec Canyon Road right there.
tom segura
- That's 'cause it's you, Jay, it's not for the car.
joe rogan
That is a wicked car though.
As far as American cars go, that car is wicked.
brian redban
How much does that cost?
joe rogan
It's not that much.
As far as the kind of performance, I think it's probably going to be around $60,000.
Let's find out.
christina pazsitzky
New Z28. I like it black.
joe rogan
The bargains are the Z28 and the Corvette.
They have a new Corvette now that's fucking incredible.
tom segura
Yes.
The fucking new Corvette is crazy.
joe rogan
Oh, it's amazing.
tom segura
And the price is pretty amazing for what you get.
brian redban
How much is the new Corvette?
joe rogan
It's like $60,000.
tom segura
$68,000, I think.
joe rogan
The Stingray Z51? The Z28 is...
Oh, the Stingray is the new...
Yeah, the Stingray is the new Corvette.
The Stingray is incredible.
Have you seen that?
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Go to the...
See if you pull up Matt Farah, that dude who was on the podcast, the Smoking Gun.
brian redban
Here's the...
unidentified
There's that.
christina pazsitzky
I like the bra on the car.
joe rogan
They look so cool.
brian redban
Wow, look at that.
unidentified
Look at that.
christina pazsitzky
Do you have to put a bra on it though?
joe rogan
No, those are done.
They don't do those anymore.
christina pazsitzky
Why did they do a bra?
joe rogan
People have clear bras now.
There's a clear sheet that keeps the chips.
It was to avoid paint chips from rocks.
brian redban
That's why people wrap their cars nowadays.
joe rogan
Look at this thing.
tom segura
Sounds like you behind the wheel.
joe rogan
Yeah, buddy.
unidentified
The first thing you're struck by is how light and nimble this car is.
brian redban
Look at the seats, man.
unidentified
You know what?
With each generation of the Corvette, it seems to get a little bit lighter, a little bit smaller, and a little more agile.
And this one really feels like the best one yet.
joe rogan
This is a sick car.
I just love that America's finally figured out how to make cars that don't suck a fat one.
For the longest time, they were dog shit.
I got a Ford Mustang just because I knew that Mustang didn't take money from the government.
They didn't take a bailout.
So I was thinking about getting it.
I wanted to get some sort of American hot rod, so I got a GT500. I remember that.
That's why I got it.
I got it because of the fact...
And because it's pretty badass.
They've figured out how to make fun cars again.
tom segura
Was that a Shelby?
joe rogan
Yeah.
Yeah, those things are fucking awesome.
tom segura
That rumbled, too, when you start that up.
joe rogan
It's very manly.
This is even more manly, though, I think, for Z28. I might have to purchase one of these motherfuckers.
tom segura
That's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.
joe rogan
I want to support, honestly, like, no bullshit.
I really do want to support American car companies that are making cars like this.
tom segura
That's great.
joe rogan
Are they making them in America, though?
God, I hope so.
unidentified
I hope they don't give them to no other peoples.
tom segura
We have a lot of foreign...
brian redban
Volkswagen just went to now in Mexico.
joe rogan
That doesn't seem like German to me.
tom segura
Don't we have foreign, though, plants here for...
Doesn't Porsche make some Porsches in Alabama?
joe rogan
That's a good question.
I don't know.
tom segura
BMW in South Carolina.
joe rogan
I know Honda does.
I bet I would imagine that other companies do as well.
tom segura
Yeah, I think Porsches are in Alabama.
joe rogan
I wonder if that's because it's easier to build the cars over here instead of shipping them.
You know, like whatever it would cost you to ship them, you could probably make them over here with the same engineering.
brian redban
Too expensive to ship.
joe rogan
Yeah, a lot of it is, right?
It's all automated.
That also killed a lot of jobs.
Because a lot of it is automated.
But the precision that you can get in automation is pretty goddamn amazing.
brian redban
We could print out a car pretty soon.
joe rogan
I bet you're right.
Dude, there's no bullshit, man.
It's gonna come.
I think there's gonna come a time where going to the store and buying things, people are just gonna laugh at you.
Oh my god, you guys used to buy shit?
That's so stupid.
They're going to be able to just put, like, you're going to have a printer at home, and you're going to keep ingredients in it.
Carbon, silica, this, that, the other, different, various metals.
And then you're going to say, you know, build me a fucking TV, bitch.
And you enter in your credits for the design for the TV, and you get on your iTunes account, it charges you for the design for the TV. That's what you pay, like a design license fee.
And then you have to pay for the materials.
And then I think everything will be like way cheaper.
Except the machine.
The machine's going to be a motherfucker.
unidentified
Yes.
joe rogan
But it'll be just like cell phones.
When cell phones first came out, no one had them.
I know.
They were super rare.
Now, you go to any place in the world, people have cell phones.
I was in Brazil, and it was in 2003, everyone had a cell phone.
tom segura
Really?
joe rogan
People have cell phones.
They're everywhere.
And it used to be prohibitively expensive for poor people.
tom segura
Do they have the backpack thing where you have to put the phone?
christina pazsitzky
I remember that.
unidentified
What's up, player?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Little Android phones and iPhones and shit.
christina pazsitzky
Remember car phones?
tom segura
Oh, yeah.
I actually like that.
christina pazsitzky
I had one.
joe rogan
I had one installed in my car in 89?
christina pazsitzky
Those were dope.
tom segura
I would like to have one of those again.
Just the clipping.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it was nice.
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
It's nice right in the center console.
joe rogan
Yeah, it was...
It was a cool thing to have.
Like you would be on the phone, hello, I'm driving right now.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like it was impossible.
brian redban
No people's minds.
joe rogan
Nobody believed it.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
But you would have roaming charges everywhere.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, is that right?
I didn't even know that happened.
unidentified
Oh my God.
joe rogan
You were only allowed to use it.
When I had it, you were only allowed to use it in Boston itself.
And when I would go outside of Boston, I would enter into a roaming area.
And the roaming areas would be ridiculous.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
joe rogan
It would be like, you know, $1 a minute, $1.95 a minute or something like that.
And it was just a few hours from your house.
It's not like today, you know, it got real competitive.
And today, you could go anywhere and your phone works everywhere.
If you go internationally, you've got to pay rates that are different because they have to use their service.
But in the United States, it's essentially wherever the fuck you go, you're all right.
christina pazsitzky
So crazy.
joe rogan
But I was in western Massachusetts.
It's two hours from my house and it was roaming.
You had a really little area.
Even in Massachusetts, you had roaming.
christina pazsitzky
And it's a mobile phone.
tom segura
What was that bill like?
joe rogan
It was stupid.
It was unbelievable.
And I had no money back then.
I was like, oh god.
christina pazsitzky
Do you realize I didn't have a cell phone until I graduated from college and entered the workforce?
Just thinking about being 16 years old, waving goodbye to my dad, getting into my 87 Chevy Nova, and just taking off for the night?
And my dad not knowing where I was, when I was, I didn't have a page or nothing, and I would just, you know, come back at 2 in the morning.
tom segura
You were shooting porn.
christina pazsitzky
I was shooting porn.
I was doing H. I was stripping.
tom segura
Can you believe that?
No, I know.
That's the thing.
christina pazsitzky
Look at this.
joe rogan
This guy's got one.
tom segura
What's up, man?
joe rogan
What?
unidentified
Look at that.
tom segura
Holy shit.
joe rogan
I bet the battery's better than your iPhone.
christina pazsitzky
Is that a fucking phone?
It's Bill Gates.
unidentified
Buy a hundred shares.
joe rogan
The dad takes the phone.
Son, don't you do it!
That's a cock-bock video.
That's what that is.
Sophisticated cock-bocker.
Dad's a hater.
Kid's smarter than him.
He's got his big stupid phone.
The kid's on a little laptop.
Meanwhile, it's like 1918. When did they invent laptops?
christina pazsitzky
Oh my god.
joe rogan
That kid had a laptop.
What the fuck was that thing in his lap?
brian redban
I think it was one of those word processors.
Remember those?
christina pazsitzky
Oh, I had those.
unidentified
Hewlett Packard.
joe rogan
Yeah, I was trying to let you know.
Geniuses are ahead of the curve.
I've had a cell phone forever.
Like I said, I got my first one in 89. 89. That's good.
And then I couldn't afford it after a while.
So I think I probably got my next one in 93. 92 or 93. Got some big, stupid Motorola brick.
tom segura
The brick.
joe rogan
It's called a StarTech.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Click.
And I had an extended battery.
tom segura
The Nino Brown.
joe rogan
Needed that extended battery.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
joe rogan
No, it wasn't that big.
tom segura
No?
joe rogan
I didn't have that one.
I know what you're talking about.
I had a girlfriend that had one of those.
tom segura
The real bricks.
Yeah, the brick.
joe rogan
My brick was a flip brick.
tom segura
Oh, wow.
joe rogan
Yeah, my first one flipped.
I never got the full brick.
tom segura
I still see, I think the Motorola Razr, which came obviously much later, is the perfect fucking cell phone.
joe rogan
It really is.
tom segura
Yeah, it's awesome.
joe rogan
It's not good enough.
It just can't fuck with today.
It doesn't have a browser.
We don't want just a phone anymore.
We want a phone that does everything.
christina pazsitzky
I can do my banking on this phone.
How crazy is that?
joe rogan
Not just banking.
I do anything I want.
I set my DVR when I'm in another country.
I can go, oh fuck, I forgot to tape the fights.
It does it.
It just records it for me.
tom segura
That's incredible.
joe rogan
That's madness.
christina pazsitzky
Uber.
joe rogan
Uber.
Yeah, Uber's incredible.
brian redban
Amazing.
joe rogan
How about just sending videos and pictures to people and shit?
And how fucking little it is.
tom segura
Have you used Uber?
unidentified
I know.
joe rogan
Look at all that bitch is.
brian redban
Yeah, I use it all the time.
tom segura
Really?
brian redban
It's one of my favorite things ever.
unidentified
It's great.
christina pazsitzky
Uber.
Oh, yeah.
tom segura
Our neighbor was just telling us about that.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, we're not on that yet.
joe rogan
Duncan called me.
Dude, have you done this Uber?
tom segura
I'm in a car right now.
joe rogan
I'm never driving myself again.
tom segura
That's cool.
brian redban
I saw Duncan the other day, and he Ubered, and he doesn't even do the UberX.
He gets the SUV one that comes up, and he just walked in there like a pimp.
It's just crazy.
In three minutes, you can have pretty much a black limo pick you up for cheap.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, the tip is built in.
I tip them extra, but the tip is built into the thing.
It's nice.
It's so easy.
You just get in, get out.
Say thanks, bye.
christina pazsitzky
That's great.
joe rogan
And you get a limo ride.
christina pazsitzky
And then don't you review them or something?
unidentified
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's their incentive to be good to you?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's awesome.
tom segura
That's a nice car?
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we used it in Manhattan a couple times.
Got SUVs, they were nice drivers, everybody was cool.
unidentified
Respectable folks.
brian redban
The last Uber I went to, the guy said that he gets a lot of people that are just ballers, like, hey, I want to go to Vegas.
And so they'll Uber from LA to Vegas, but then he has to drive fucking back, you know, by himself.
Wow, that's a long haul.
Somebody the other day went to Salt Lake City, because they didn't have a car and they wanted to go home.
So he said it was like $2,500 Uber.
What?
Wow.
joe rogan
How much is his plane ticket though?
If you go in first class, that might be better.
tom segura
Definitely better.
joe rogan
I've done Vegas before.
I've done Vegas in a limo before.
But it's a long drive.
tom segura
It is.
christina pazsitzky
It's a long drive.
joe rogan
I've driven it too.
It's a long drive to do in one day and then go do something.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, it sucks.
tom segura
You feel spent.
unidentified
It's also if you get stuck in traffic there, it's heinous.
joe rogan
That's a road that was designed back when people were driving Model Ts.
You know, stupid two-lane shitbag road.
And it's just going through these desolate areas and broken down.
And you see just nothing but brake lights for hours.
christina pazsitzky
Devastating.
And the worst, the weirdest thing is, like, there's that, the first sign of, like, the casinos that come up.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
They're, like, the crummier ones.
You're like, who's staying here, dude?
20 minutes this way.
There's cooler shit.
brian redban
With a broken roller coaster up front.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Why are you staying here?
joe rogan
There's probably a great documentary in that if we wanted to make it.
christina pazsitzky
Right?
joe rogan
Mini Vegas?
If we all wanted to just go to that place.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
That one spot.
unidentified
Let's go there.
tom segura
It's like super far south.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Do a show there.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
And bring, you know.
tom segura
It's like roller coasters and shit though.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
So bizarre.
tom segura
Bad fucking roller coasters.
joe rogan
Can you imagine though?
That would actually be, look, you, me, and Diaz doing a show in a casino there in the middle of nowhere.
That might actually be fun.
christina pazsitzky
So random.
joe rogan
We could bring people in there.
tom segura
Yeah.
Nobody there would expect what's going on.
joe rogan
Yeah, it would be a fun hangout.
That would be a fun hangout.
Just call it, you know, disaster in the desert or something like that.
tom segura
Every one of those places has the thing like, these slots pay.
That's what it says.
unidentified
Loose.
tom segura
We got the loose slots.
christina pazsitzky
Loose slots.
tom segura
We got real loose slots here.
joe rogan
Stanhope has been doing a tour of really shitty spots.
christina pazsitzky
That's such a good idea.
joe rogan
Bill Burr wanted to do that, too.
He wanted to do one with me and him, go to the worst places ever.
I'm like, boy, I don't know.
It sounds novel, but wouldn't it be better to go to Houston?
christina pazsitzky
Direct flights?
joe rogan
Wouldn't it be better to go to Chicago?
Hey, you guys got to get out of there.
I'm not coming to you.
It's only helping you if I come to you.
Right.
christina pazsitzky
I'm only encouraging this bad behavior.
joe rogan
I'm only encouraging you to stay there.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, man.
joe rogan
Go.
tom segura
Move to a cooler place.
joe rogan
There's some places I get psyched to be back, like Chicago.
I was talking to somebody about Chicago.
Oh, Burr.
We were talking about Chicago might be the most underrated place in the country.
You know, as far as doing stand-up there.
tom segura
Chicago's great.
joe rogan
It's one of the greatest places of all time to do stand-up.
christina pazsitzky
I've only done Schaumburg.
It's really the Schaumburg improv.
joe rogan
It's more of a suburban thing.
I do the theater, the Chicago theater, and it's in the city, and it's different.
They're on the ball.
They're some smart fucking people.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, actually, I enjoy the Midwest for stand-up.
I love Ohio.
joe rogan
Yeah, I love Ohio.
christina pazsitzky
It's fantastic.
For some reason, the Midwest really gets it, and they're down.
joe rogan
Yeah, I did one of my best specials there, Talking Monkeys in Space.
I did that in a while.
I did that in Columbus at the Southern Theater where Mae West worked.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, get out!
joe rogan
Yeah, and W.C. Fields in Mae West.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, H. That's awesome.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's one of the stars in the background.
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that looked really, really good.
joe rogan
Yeah, those people are like...
I always feel like people in Columbus and people in Chicago and people in Milwaukee, they're like smart people, but also they have that Midwest down-to-earth thing going on.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
They might be in a city, but there's like a lot of people that are like real good people that are like, you know, there's like, you know, when they call that area the heartland, like the salt, there's a lot of morons that live out there, don't make no mistake about it, all right?
There's a lot of like, a lot of the really farmy places in this country are filled with retards, right?
We know that.
But they're also filled with a lot of cool fucking people.
tom segura
For sure.
joe rogan
You know?
And just like everywhere you go, You're not going to get 100% gems.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
You're just not.
christina pazsitzky
Just like in L.A. There's turds in L.A. too.
joe rogan
Fuck yeah.
And the ones that are turds, they throw off your perceptions.
christina pazsitzky
That's right.
joe rogan
Like I've had people say, you know, oh man, I went to L.A., man, I went to this party.
Everybody was so fucking full of themselves.
We're all full of shit and that place sucks.
Okay, I believe you 100%.
But there's 20 million people here.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, you can't find one person.
joe rogan
One party, one night, one terrible clunk of humans.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
And, you know, you just got mixed up in the wrong tribe, son.
tom segura
The other one.
joe rogan
You could have been hanging out with us at the improv.
christina pazsitzky
That's what it is, tribes.
It's all about finding your tribe in wherever you are.
joe rogan
Yeah, in wherever you are.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
tom segura
People also talk shit about L.A. a lot of times.
They'll be like, you're from L.A.? That place sucks.
Yeah, I hate that.
What'd you do?
I went out there for like, you know, whatever, three or four days.
Like, where'd you stay?
They're like, Hollywood and Highland.
I'm like, did you go anywhere?
They're like, no, just right there.
I'm like, so you hate fucking Hollywood Boulevard, man.
Like, what are you talking about?
unidentified
We do too.
christina pazsitzky
I grew up here.
I fucking hate that part.
tom segura
It's not indicative of the entire city.
joe rogan
Yeah, I've been here since 94 and I don't go there.
christina pazsitzky
No, it's for tourists.
tom segura
Come on, it's horrible.
joe rogan
It's a bad place.
tom segura
It's like saying I was, one of my friends told me he hated New York and he, uh...
He was like, it's the worst fucking city of everybody.
I'm like, really?
Where'd you stay?
Where'd you go?
He's like, I was in Spanish Harlem.
And I was like, but like, where'd you go?
He's like, no, I just stayed there.
Like, I stayed in Spanish Harlem.
I was like, that's all you saw?
And he was like, yeah.
I go, well, I mean, that's not, you can't take in the city just in Spanish Harlem.
joe rogan
You can't take in that city in a year.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
You know?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
What you're going to do is get a sense of like, whoa, there's a lot of motherfuckers here.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, yeah, dude.
joe rogan
Spend two weeks in New York just going from one place to another, just trying to check off a list of the interesting places from the museums to the restaurants to going on Broadway.
Like, New York is so strange that Broadway works there, okay?
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
There's a fucking really good reason...
Why those stupid musicals and plays aren't everywhere.
christina pazsitzky
I hate them so much.
joe rogan
I hate musicals.
They're so dumb.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, they're so stupid.
joe rogan
They're a murderous assault in your attention span.
But New York is so big and so awesome that it can actually support a whole community of people.
That pretend to like that stuff.
tom segura
And make them millionaires.
joe rogan
Maybe they do like it.
Maybe I'm just an asshole.
Most likely I'm just an asshole.
christina pazsitzky
The worst is that Andrew Lloyd Webber shit.
It's so soul crushing.
It's so fucking spirit crushing.
It'll literally be like, I'm lifting the bottle.
She's lifting the bottle.
We're walking down the street.
There's no merit to any of it.
joe rogan
It's fucking painful.
Brian Callen had a teacher who was a theater teacher.
And Brian always gets sucked into, because he's such a nice guy, he always gets sucked into going to these things.
They drag him to these things.
There was like, I'm doing a performance.
I would love it if you came.
christina pazsitzky
Oh no!
joe rogan
And he's like, I gotta go, I gotta go.
So the guy was going to sing show tunes.
And so Brian calls me up.
He goes, listen to me.
Listen to me.
You must come with me.
I'm about to see my theater teacher sing show tunes.
It will be most excellent.
And by the way, he's going to be very sincere.
So we went and watched this guy sing like these sincere shows.
Holy shit.
And I hope you have a drink when you really want a drink.
Like that kind of stuff.
christina pazsitzky
So earnest, yeah.
joe rogan
That what you're talking about, they're almost like doing dialogue.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, just say it.
joe rogan
But singing.
tom segura
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
They're not even rhyming.
No.
It doesn't even make sense.
Why are we singing the song?
joe rogan
It's terrifying.
tom segura
You guys don't get it.
That's why they're singing the song.
christina pazsitzky
We must not get it.
We're going to get some angry emails.
joe rogan
And he was really good.
I enjoyed it.
tom segura
You enjoyed it?
joe rogan
I enjoyed it.
I was so high.
christina pazsitzky
There you go.
joe rogan
I was so high.
christina pazsitzky
That's how you enjoyed it.
joe rogan
My feet were barely touching the ground.
Because all I could think about was the amount of space that's in an atom.
An atom is almost entirely made out of space.
And so I was thinking of like, while this guy was singing, I was like, why do I even feel the ground?
This is all bullshit.
tom segura
That's what you were enjoying.
joe rogan
There's no real, this is all space.
Why does it feel hard under my feet?
And that's what I was thinking about while this guy was going.
tom segura
Was that here?
joe rogan
I hope you have a drink.
Yeah, it was on Hollywood Boulevard someplace, I believe.
It was a nice place.
tom segura
Dude, I think that Heartland area, though, not just Chicago, that whole area is underrated for stand-up.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, for performing.
Quite good.
You know what's kind of fucked up?
Is that not a lot of stand-ups came out of Chicago.
Like, if you look at, like, Houston, some of the all-timers, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, you know, there's a lot of...
Great fucking comics came out of Houston.
To my two all-time favorites right there.
And so, you know, you compare Chicago to Houston, Chicago's way bigger.
Like, why doesn't Chicago have a gang of comics?
Look at New York.
The list of comedians that have come out are, it's endless.
It's pointless to even start.
Look at LA. Pointless to even start.
Look at Boston.
Smaller than Chicago by a good margin.
And the amount of great comics that came out of Boston, staggering.
Chicago, you got Larry Reeb, you know, your Uncle Lair.
Remember that guy?
tom segura
No.
joe rogan
He's a funny guy.
christina pazsitzky
He's a funny guy.
joe rogan
Chicago guy.
He was on one of those Roddy Dangerfield HBO specials.
tom segura
But a lot of improv guys.
Sketch improv guys.
joe rogan
That's true.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, they all do sketch and improv.
Maybe that's what it is.
tom segura
Second City.
christina pazsitzky
They're like goofier.
They're not analytical and angry.
joe rogan
That doesn't make any sense.
Stand-up is better.
They know it.
You know it.
I know it.
Why wouldn't they do that?
It's the funniest shit.
If you want to see something really funny, you go see a great stand-up.
In my opinion.
tom segura
And the other area, I always have a good time going there, but I don't know that many...
Well, actually, Minneapolis.
Swartzen came out of Minneapolis.
joe rogan
Yes.
tom segura
He's a super fucking funny guy.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's hilarious.
tom segura
I don't know that many other people from Minneapolis.
joe rogan
Why do I want to say that Mitch Hedberg came out of Minneapolis?
tom segura
He is from Minnesota, too.
Yes.
Good one.
joe rogan
Yeah, he actually recorded one of his CDs at Acme, right?
Didn't he?
tom segura
I don't know if he recorded one there.
I recorded one there, and I'm doing a special there.
joe rogan
I love Minnesota.
tom segura
Doing a special in Minneapolis.
joe rogan
I love Minnesota, period.
tom segura
It's awesome.
It's beautiful up there.
joe rogan
It's cold as fuck, but it's nice.
tom segura
I'm going right before it gets...
I'm going November 9th, which is basically...
Once you get into January, February, it's fucking unbelievable.
unidentified
It's terrifying.
brian redban
You can get free tickets to go to that special, by the way.
tom segura
Yes, you can.
brian redban
TomSeguro.com.
joe rogan
Sweet, googly moogly.
tom segura
Come to my special.
joe rogan
I can't, but I'll tell people to go.
What day is it?
tom segura
November 9th.
joe rogan
November 9th.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, son.
tom segura
Yeah, I love...
I mean, I picked it because I actually literally have never had a bad time doing stand-up in Minneapolis.
brian redban
Yeah.
tom segura
It's that good.
joe rogan
Yeah, so that's...
I'm in Edmonton that night.
tom segura
You're in a colder place.
You're in a colder place.
joe rogan
Yeah, I'm at the River Creek.
Edmonton's fun, too.
You ever go up there?
tom segura
I've never been there.
I've done Winnipeg, Calgary, Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal.
christina pazsitzky
I love Toronto.
unidentified
Toronto's amazing.
christina pazsitzky
God, that's so fun.
joe rogan
Yeah, we did two nights in Toronto.
We did the Sony Center, right?
tom segura
Yes.
joe rogan
We did the Sony Center one night, and then the next night we did Second City.
It was fucking incredible.
tom segura
Wonderful.
joe rogan
Incredible.
And the people couldn't be nicer.
The people that you run into there, it's like a weird utopian city.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it really is.
It's very strange.
joe rogan
They're super nice up there.
Canada is just nicer.
I've wondered many, many times to try to figure out what it is.
Like, why are they nicer?
christina pazsitzky
Well, I have a friend from Canada, my friend Shane, and he claims it's because when you have...
They kind of have more of a support system, yeah?
Like, the government does take more of your money, but maybe it's because they take care of your health, they take care of you a bit more, and he's like, we don't really have a need to be as competitive.
unidentified
Yeah.
brian redban
No guns.
joe rogan
Oh, they have plenty of guns.
christina pazsitzky
They do a lot of hunting up there.
But I remember watching the news in Toronto, and it wasn't a big deal.
It was just so matter-of-fact.
There was not a lot of sensationalism added to it the way we do.
It wasn't like, be afraid, be afraid, everything's terrifying.
It was like, well, today what happened is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
joe rogan
You know what?
Also, they don't have a guilty conscience as a country.
They're not out there raping the world.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, maybe that's it.
joe rogan
They're a part of some of the adventures that we go on, but they're like the dude that lives in the town that gets dragged along.
They're not like the crazy asshole that organizes the hit on the other village.
That's right.
tom segura
Yeah, they're just, I don't know, I think it is less, has that less, you gotta, we're number one, you gotta fucking prove that you're number one, that whole mantra.
joe rogan
If you stopped and thought about all the fucked up shit the United States does in all the different countries, and like how many people must be like upset at the idea of the United States as a whole, not its real citizens like you or I, who really don't have any part in any of this stuff, but somehow or another get lumped in on the same team.
christina pazsitzky
And we benefit from our empire.
joe rogan
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's a problem.
Fuck yeah.
We're on this team and we benefit from this expansion, from this conquering of other lands.
joe rogan
That's how they keep us invested in it.
tom segura
Sure.
joe rogan
And that's when you hear like an Ann Coulter.
It's like, yeah, so we've got to go to fucking War for Oil.
You know, people get real squirrely when it comes to that stuff.
And I see their point.
I see their point if, you know, if I looked at the world the way they do, and I think a lot of people look at the world like there's these people in these other parts of the world, and these people are evil, and these people, you know, they hate your freedom, they hate what you stand for, their religion is based on hating you and wanting you dead.
I get that.
christina pazsitzky
And all that oil, too.
joe rogan
There's a little bit of that there, too.
That's convenient, that those same dummies are the ones who have the oil.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
These dangerous dummies also have the oil, so we've got to go and check.
christina pazsitzky
It's a coinkydink, huh?
joe rogan
Isn't it funny?
And they're always like...
I mean, their religion is so unreasonable.
You're not even allowed to draw their guy.
If you draw their guy, they'll fucking kill you.
tom segura
I wouldn't even say that you're not allowed to draw the guy.
christina pazsitzky
That might get you killed, too.
joe rogan
So it's like it's all set up so that it's perfectly reasonable for us to go over there and fuck them up.
tom segura
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
It's almost like...
If you wanted to play some long-term geopolitical chess, long-term geopolitical chess means you've got to ensure that you're going to have some enemies to defeat in the future.
You can't keep...
You can't destroy people and then build up a new empire from scratch.
You've got to keep some enemies active.
You've got to keep them healthy.
Because if you don't have any conflict, you're not in business anymore.
That's a good point.
So you empower these countries.
So it's like when the United States, and this sounds like total hippie, info wars, nonsense, but it's a fact.
It's been going on forever.
The United States armed Iraq.
It was a Bill Hicks joke.
We know they're heavily armed.
How do we know?
We check the receipt.
christina pazsitzky
What's this one doing?
joe rogan
They armed Iraq.
They armed Iran.
Remember the thing with President Reagan where he got in trouble because he sold arms to Iran and then he had to testify and he said he couldn't remember?
I mean, they have been doing it this way.
tom segura
We provide a lot of arms to a lot of countries.
joe rogan
They're chess masters.
These are war masters.
And war masters play chess.
And chess is a long-term game.
And you don't want to...
If you want to keep a fight going and you want to keep getting money and keep extracting money from the society that supports this, you don't ever, like, crush your enemies.
christina pazsitzky
No.
joe rogan
That's why they pulled out of Iraq in the first place.
The first desert storm when we first went in there...
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
When we first went in there, they decided not to take over Iraq.
They got in, they crushed the enemy, like, with almost no resistance.
The only casualties were because of a Scud missile hit barracks and killed, like, 80 people.
But that was the only people that died.
Like, other than that, it was like a few people died, and a lot of people got sick after the fact when they found out that they were using depleted uranium and people got, like, some serious radiation sicknesses and things.
But when they got to Baghdad, they decided not to take it over.
We're like, yeah, we'll just get out of here and leave.
So they left Saddam Hussein to run the country after they crushed him.
And he basically ran it the same way he always ran it with his crazy sons.
They fed people to dogs.
They were, you know, unbelievable savages.
But I believe that in the long-term chess game, it's important to have a boogeyman.
Because if we wanted to go in and take Iraq, like, we can't really justify going to war unless something happens.
And the only way something happens is if other people have some kind of power.
So they're always going to back off a little.
They're always going to let there be just enough enemies out there.
And now that it's not even like country-based, it's like terrorism.
Like back in the Nazi days, in the World War II days, they fucked up.
They had to call them Nazis.
We had to beat the Nazis.
Now what?
Help those fucking Russians.
I don't like the way they're looking at us.
They ran out of enemies.
But with terrorism, you never run out of enemies.
It's really brilliant.
tom segura
You need that for the sale.
To do the sale to the public.
To be like, you know what?
We've got to do this because here's the terrorists.
joe rogan
And they're everywhere.
tom segura
You go, oh yeah.
joe rogan
We've got to do something now.
They come with a bunch of different names.
They're confusing as fuck.
They're Al-Qaeda.
They're the Taliban.
tom segura
They don't wear a uniform.
joe rogan
Which is the difference?
Is Al-Qaeda part of the Taliban?
They start out with the Taliban and break off into a much more rebellious faction?
christina pazsitzky
And I'll tell you, you have no idea how many bases we do have.
joe rogan
Over a hundred.
More than a hundred different countries.
christina pazsitzky
We're still in Kuwait.
We're in Saudi Arabia.
They gave me a duplicate passport.
I had two passports, one of which I had to surrender after I went in and out of Saudi.
It was like a decoy passport to go into Saudi Arabia to perform and then come immediately back out.
joe rogan
What does that mean?
Was it illegal what you were doing?
christina pazsitzky
I don't know.
Are you a criminal?
joe rogan
Are you a criminal on my show?
christina pazsitzky
Because I pay taxes.
No!
joe rogan
I'm trying to drive an American car and I pay taxes.
christina pazsitzky
But it was a trip.
I mean, we're not supposed to be there, right?
joe rogan
What is that supposed to, though?
No one's supposed to be anywhere.
No one's supposed to be controlling the fucking oil, either.
christina pazsitzky
We're everywhere.
joe rogan
No one is supposed to be anywhere.
The whole idea is ridiculous.
And I think it's going to break down.
You just can't see it keep going.
I think it's just like everything else.
It's been slowly but surely dissolving around us.
I think as technology increases, as our access to each other increases...
It's going to be way easier to decipher what other people are saying.
The whole idea about the Tower of Babel to keep man forever divided by making a gang of different languages so they can never completely communicate with each other.
That's all slowly being broken down and it's one of the biggest impediments to peace.
It's one of the biggest impediments to cultural understanding.
I love watching shows about other countries, about how they eat and what they do.
I love Anthony Bourdain's show, especially.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, me too.
I could watch anything that guy does.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's an awesome dude too.
And he goes over to Egypt and they eat camels.
And he was there when they slaughtered it.
They killed the camel in front of him and gutted it and slaughtered it.
You know, and they're all cooking.
They eat it with their hands.
They all, you know, it's really kind of crazy.
Like, you never shake hands with your left hand.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
Because they don't use toilet paper.
They wash their assholes with their left hand.
And they eat with their right hand.
So they shake hands with their right hand.
You keep your fucking right hand clean, bitch.
Because you're going to shake my hand and I'm going to...
You better not be wiping your ass with your right hand.
It's really important.
It makes sense, though, if you think about it.
They've got it down to a science.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, because I asked this guy once, I was like, did you really use your hand?
And he's like, it's much cleaner.
And when you think about it, he's like, you Americans, you take toilet paper and then you mash the shit against your ass.
Like, you mash it against you.
unidentified
It's disgusting.
christina pazsitzky
So stupid.
And he's like, me, I took my hand, I used my hand, and then I washed my hand.
I'm like, do you use soap?
He's like, what's soap?
What's soap?
joe rogan
Soap is what makes you smell not like you.
tom segura
But didn't you see them shitting off of the...
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, so, yeah, I was on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq, in the middle of nowhere in the ocean, yeah?
And it's a mile-long platform, half American marines, half Iraqi soldiers, and we're teaching the Iraqis how to guard their oil.
That's the theory.
Anyways, the Iraqi barracks, I got to tour them, not so nice.
Like, those dudes were shitting off the side of the platform, and then the fish that were eating the shit, they would fish those fish and then eat the fish.
unidentified
Yeah, a lot of filth.
tom segura
What about Buttfuck Thursday?
christina pazsitzky
I don't know if that's just negative propaganda.
Man Love Thursday, that's what the Americans say.
joe rogan
Sam Tripoli claims it's 100% fact.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah?
Has he seen that?
joe rogan
He said he knows things.
christina pazsitzky
Has he done it?
brian redban
He's been there.
christina pazsitzky
Fight crime, bro.
joe rogan
Crime fighter, bro.
tom segura
Crime fighter, bro.
unidentified
Fucking gigging.
I'm shady.
tom segura
Gigging.
joe rogan
I'm gigging.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, they're nasty, though.
Their mattresses were all brown and grody.
joe rogan
So they live like savages.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
They don't give a shit like we do about hygiene.
joe rogan
Is it because they don't give a shit or they don't have the money?
christina pazsitzky
Well, we were training them and providing them with supplies.
So, at the time, they did have access to these things.
Like, we gave them a bunch of water bottles, and we're like, dude, just put this, you know...
And it was all over.
They would throw the water bottles just all over the floor, as opposed to, like, putting them in the refrigerator that the Americans had provided.
So...
joe rogan
They're probably really disenchanted.
Their country got conquered.
Everyone they know got killed.
christina pazsitzky
I totally agree.
And you're like, why are you telling me how to do my thing?
tom segura
Do you ever think about how we would react to just one example of what we do to another country?
joe rogan
We could see it.
We could see it in the south and the north.
Have you ever gone to the south and people call you a Yankee?
I've had people call me Yankees before.
You're just a fucking Yankee.
unidentified
Okay.
Okay.
joe rogan
I'm worse than a Yankee dude.
I'm a foreigner.
My family came from other countries.
I wasn't here when your bullshit was going on with those people.
christina pazsitzky
Wait until they see Pajitzky on the marquee.
unidentified
Oh, Jesus.
christina pazsitzky
Oh my God.
joe rogan
Oh, you some kind of new Jew.
unidentified
Yeah, totally.
joe rogan
New kind of Jew.
christina pazsitzky
But I remember this when I was on that oil platform.
They had this thing where it was like Operation Wind Hearts and Mines.
And...
This is the craziest thing ever.
joe rogan
Norman Rockwell just fucked the army in its mouth.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what they would do...
Oh, you'd die.
So once a week, they had ice cream socials with the Iraqis, and they would fucking find a way to get tubs of Rocky Road ice cream airlifted onto this oil platform, and then I would be having ice cream with the Iraqis so that they would see how amazing our American Rocky Road...
Isn't everything amazing in America?
Like, don't you want this?
tom segura
And they're like, yeah, this is pretty good fucking ice cream.
joe rogan
It's going to take back my grandmother getting her head blown off in front of me.
christina pazsitzky
Right, right.
I'm defecting.
This is amazing.
tom segura
It's got chocolate chunks in it.
You don't like that?
joe rogan
Wow.
tom segura
Does it make you forget about your family?
joe rogan
I lost almost everyone in my family, but I think it was worth it.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because this is cold and sweet.
It's like a swirl.
It's kind of delicious.
That is so hilarious.
tom segura
You don't remember your nephew now, right?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
You don't need your kids.
You've got Rocky Road.
joe rogan
That's so hilarious.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
What a weird fucking thing it is.
What a weird fucking thing it is to just go into another country and kill everybody and then give them stuff.
tom segura
And then we need to set up permanently here, guys.
After we've killed everybody, we're going to be here a while.
joe rogan
We don't think you can do this on your own, even though you did this on your own since like the 900s.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
tom segura
They have to go, okay, you're right, we won't get upset.
joe rogan
Well, that's the second time that someone has done that to Baghdad.
I've been listening to, for the past couple of years, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History.
I guess about a year, a year and a half.
And he has this amazing series about the Mongols.
It's called, yeah, the Mongol invasions.
unidentified
I love those.
christina pazsitzky
Well, Hungarians are...
joe rogan
Are you guys one of the Mongols?
christina pazsitzky
The Mongols, yes.
joe rogan
Really?
The Mongols fucked all you, that's why.
christina pazsitzky
The Huns, yes.
joe rogan
Yeah, they came in and fucked everybody.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
But he has this whole piece about them taking over Baghdad.
And you kind of understand why the Middle East is so fucked up once you hear it.
They killed everybody.
They threw all of their writing into the river.
They said the river ran black with ink and red with blood.
Killed everybody.
Like literally killed everybody.
Like they killed a million people.
Like, they would kill people, then they would come back two weeks later to see if anybody was cleaning up the bodies, and they'd kill them.
unidentified
Jesus.
joe rogan
Yeah.
They didn't fuck around.
christina pazsitzky
That's effective.
joe rogan
And they say that Baghdad never really recovered.
And, like, essentially, in the 1200s, 12-whatever-it-was, when Genghis Khan did all that crazy shit...
From then until now, they've never recovered.
But back then, they were the pinnacle of civilization.
They were like scholars and scientists and they were excellent keepers of records.
All that went in the river.
Bitch!
Just cut everybody's head off.
christina pazsitzky
Isn't that interesting?
And that's it.
Once your intellectual history is gone, you're done for it.
joe rogan
It's done.
You start from scratch and everyone's dead, by the way.
christina pazsitzky
This might be a hippy, dippy, dopey thought, a pot thought, but I fear that our culture is going that way because of the disappearance of the bookstore, because of the disappearance of...
Book learning, book reading, because of the nooks.
Just download that.
There's a process when you go into a bookstore and you go, I'm interested in this topic.
And you point your finger and you go, what's that?
What's that?
I feel like that experience is gone.
I feel like we're totally regressing into idiocracy and it is going that direction.
joe rogan
Well, we have always gone to the path of least resistance.
Every person does.
You have to fight to not do that.
And the path of least resistance is, you can just watch TV. You can just sit on the couch.
You can just go order some takeout.
Just get a pizza delivered.
The path of least resistance is not going to the bookstore, getting a book, sitting home, reading it, absorbing it.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
No, it's sitting in front of a television.
Yeah.
It's just, we have so much, like, go into the supermarket to get your food.
That's another thing that's probably not good.
It's probably better if everybody grew their own food.
If we had, like, community gardens, and everybody grew their own food, and, you know, and even if you don't eat meat, all you really need is some chickens.
You know, if you have a bunch of hens, they don't, they lay eggs.
You don't have to, you're not killing a chicken.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
Those eggs will never become a chicken unless a rooster's in the house.
So if the rooster's banging them, then those chickens have the potential to have a baby.
Otherwise, they're just laying eggs that are free food.
You feed them, you give them your table scraps, like vegetables and stuff.
They eat it, they love it.
You let them run around your yard and pick up your grass.
That's like a smart way to live.
The way we do it, we're not connected to our fucking food.
I think that, just like being not connected to information, not reading books anymore, not exploring and learning ideas...
That was bad for you.
But I think on the other hand, there's never been more information available to everybody on your phone, on a computer.
christina pazsitzky
But I agree with you.
But it's an abridged, weird version.
There's something different about reading.
Let's say you want to know what Nietzsche said.
There's a huge difference between picking up Beyond Good and Evil and reading that bitch cover to cover and being like, Wow, there's this and that idea and making connections than going to Wikipedia and being like, Frederick Nietzsche, what did that guy say?
God is dead.
Got it.
On to the next thing.
joe rogan
And you quote it on a message board to seem like a genius.
tom segura
Of course.
unidentified
Right.
christina pazsitzky
There's a huge difference.
tom segura
Do you even know who said that, bro?
That's what you throw in.
joe rogan
You know, someone says something and you Google debunked and then you pick out a quote from that.
tom segura
See, this goes back to why our relationship works.
It's because I don't let her smartness upset me.
christina pazsitzky
Right, Tommy.
joe rogan
It's true.
christina pazsitzky
I don't know.
tom segura
No, I'm serious.
I think what makes it work is that, you know, you like your book and then you're reading.
And I'll actually go, you know what?
I should read a book.
I use it as inspiration.
christina pazsitzky
You're a reader.
tom segura
But I download my books onto my iPad.
christina pazsitzky
I do too now, though.
I'm not saying that that's...
tom segura
No, no.
But I'm saying it is an extension of what we're talking about.
Like, you know, you have good habits that I, you know, copy.
I go, I should read a book.
Because you're reading so many books.
christina pazsitzky
And then, do you know what I learned from you?
tom segura
That you should watch a football game.
christina pazsitzky
That I should like football.
No.
I learned how to deal with, like, white dudes.
Because I kind of...
No, like, Tommy's really good at dealing with, like, white dude America, like, business things, and I learn from him.
Like, I watch him, how he does all that.
joe rogan
White dudes.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, like, the man, you know what I'm saying?
Like, business and stuff, because I'm not good at that.
joe rogan
You're supposed to get some Jew to do that for you.
christina pazsitzky
I totally have them.
Thank you.
Yes.
joe rogan
A smart Jew.
christina pazsitzky
I have a team of Jews.
joe rogan
They seem to have a good grip on how to run the show business industry.
christina pazsitzky
What's that about?
joe rogan
I think that people, I think, first of all, I think a lot of Jews are smart.
If you look at the amount of...
christina pazsitzky
Super smart.
joe rogan
Yeah, if you look at the amount of Nobel Prize winners in science and PhDs, a shitload of them are Jewish from Europe, European Jews.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
It's amazing how many of them.
It's amazing.
It's a staggering number.
I think it's just an excellent gene pool as far as intellectuals.
christina pazsitzky
Is that why they're so persecuted historically?
tom segura
It's a good culture to be born into.
Culturally, it's a supportive atmosphere.
It's the atmosphere, a lot of times, of helping, bringing people along, inspiring.
joe rogan
Right, but there's a seclusionary thing that they have going on a bit where they kind of exclude everybody else out of their community.
If you looked at it, I mean, I hate to be a Jew lover here, but if you looked at it...
In terms of just accomplishments and just it makes sense that they would want to keep everybody out.
If you looked at the amount of shit that they've pulled off.
tom segura
Right.
joe rogan
Like intellectually, like the amount of things that the Jewish people have done.
I mean, it's really kind of staggering, especially compared to my moron people.
My moron people have like Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and everybody else is retarded.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know?
A few dudes who make cars and a bunch of assholes who look like me, look like chimp people.
You know, they're a bunch of chimp people.
tom segura
Good suits, man.
Good tailors.
joe rogan
Yeah, and my people are the southern people.
My people are not the smart ones who look like Europeans.
My people are the ape-like characters who look like they carried bricks up hills.
When I say that these Jews are so much smarter than a lot of other nationalities, it's just a fact.
It really is.
If you look at accomplishments, let's not say they're smarter, but they're exemplary for sure.
And so if they were that exemplary and that accomplished as a race, it makes sense they'd be exclusionary.
They'd want to keep all my dumb genes from fucking their daughter.
Shooting her up with some live crazy load that's gonna create some half smart half fucking ape kid.
Gonna run around and ruin things at the Jewish school and be like, bro, I'm not wearing a fucking yarmulke, alright?
That shit's stupid.
My dad says it's dumb as fuck.
tom segura
Oh, you got a beanie?
joe rogan
God wants you to wear a beanie?
Dude, seriously?
tom segura
We got this genius that just joined our tribe, guys.
joe rogan
God made flowers, God made beehives, and he wants you to wear a beanie.
Shut the fuck up.
tom segura
It also keeps...
If you're that exclusionary, you get to keep outside competition from your businesses.
joe rogan
Yes.
christina pazsitzky
Can I tell you what?
That is also an immigrant practice.
My father's Hungarian, and he primarily deals with other Hungarians...
tom segura
Or Eastern European.
christina pazsitzky
Or Eastern European.
Not other tribes.
He's very explicit.
But that's a common immigrant thing to do as well.
The Asians deal with the Asians, etc.
joe rogan
And somehow or another, they've made blowjobs less of a taboo.
The Jewish girls always enjoyed the blowjobs much more than the American girls.
It felt like they were doing you a massive favor.
christina pazsitzky
You're right.
joe rogan
I think that stops once you marry them, though.
That's what I've heard.
That's a wrap.
tom segura
That's the fucking bait and switch right there.
brian redban
Replaced by nagging.
joe rogan
But they like it.
When I was in high school, that was the word.
The word was that Jewish girls give head.
They like it.
tom segura
Let's do a poll.
brian redban
They're always freaker in the sack, I think.
But I'm German.
christina pazsitzky
I'm sorry, the Jewesses?
joe rogan
Jewesses.
But they also have that reputation of being naggy.
They have the reputation of not being sexual.
brian redban
Prejudice against Italians.
joe rogan
I'm definitely prejudiced against Italians.
unidentified
Yeah, are you?
joe rogan
I don't fuck my people.
I haven't fucked my people since the early 80s.
tom segura
Really?
joe rogan
I learned a long time ago to keep away from my people.
tom segura
Jewish girls?
christina pazsitzky
Interesting.
joe rogan
Savages.
Chimp people.
They're chimp people.
I've only had one girl swing at me ever.
She was Italian.
Full blown.
This bitch took a wind-up.
tom segura
Was she like a fucking Jersey Shore kind of bitch?
joe rogan
Long Island.
tom segura
Long Island.
joe rogan
Bitch is crazy.
She's ready to go to war.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, I didn't hit her back.
I just grabbed ahold of her.
I'm like, we don't have to do this.
Let's not turn this into a slugfest.
christina pazsitzky
You can't hit back, right?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Oh, you can't do that.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, my God.
joe rogan
You can't get in a slugfest with a chick?
christina pazsitzky
No.
I mean, girls can with other girls, but...
joe rogan
Well, you know, but my point is, I've never had a white girl swing at me.
christina pazsitzky
No.
joe rogan
Other than Italians.
tom segura
Yeah.
brian redban
Remember drunk Katie?
Remember her?
joe rogan
Yeah, Katie's awesome.
brian redban
Yeah, I love Katie.
She's so funny.
I was talking to her yesterday, and she reminded me of that time where somebody in the audience, Davey was on stage.
Davey, the guy that has, you know, he walks funny.
joe rogan
Cerebral palsy?
brian redban
Yeah.
tom segura
He walks funny.
brian redban
So somebody yelled out, like, you're not funny retard to him?
unidentified
Jesus.
brian redban
And Katie was waiting.
She was a waitress there at the time.
And she came up and goes, did you just say he was retarded?
And she goes, yeah.
And she just punched him and knocked him out.
tom segura
She knocked him out?
joe rogan
Well, you got to throw that all through the red band filter.
Well, then she knocked him out.
Did she hurt him?
Oh, she said.
brian redban
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, there you go.
brian redban
She's from Boston.
She's like a Boston.
joe rogan
She will punch somebody, no doubt.
She's hilarious.
Mm-hmm.
We had some of the funniest times at that store talking to her and Eleanor.
Eleanor, who's now finally doing comedy.
Eleanor Kerrigan is fucking hilarious, and she's always been hilarious.
When she finally started doing comedy, I was like, wow, why didn't you do this a long time ago?
You were always hilarious.
And she's a hack detective, you know?
Like, I would say, like, everybody says this guy's funny.
Is he funny?
And she would go, if you like old, stupid premises, redone.
And then she would, like, walk off.
Like, she knew.
She knew it was bullshit and what wasn't.
She knew about dance moves.
Doing dance moves?
Tommy's word for when a joke's not really that funny, you're trying to jazz it up, give it some dance moves.
I would call it English.
Putting English on the cue ball, make it spin around for no reason.
tom segura
Like when you have to really work it.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, I know.
Believe me.
In the South, you have to do that a little bit.
joe rogan
Do you think so?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I shuck and jive a lot harder.
I slow it down, too.
I slow it down.
joe rogan
Well, I've always said this.
I think it's way harder for a woman to do stand-up.
I think it's harder to get the attention on stage from men to give you the ball, you know, because guys will, hey, I'm funnier than this bitch.
christina pazsitzky
Let me talk.
joe rogan
You can't have opinions on things.
You certainly can't have opinions on, like, religion or politics or anything controversial where you or I could pull off, you know, like, I don't agree with this guy, but shh.
But if a woman's on stage telling Jesus jokes...
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it's very volatile.
joe rogan
Fuck yeah, it's volatile.
christina pazsitzky
But that's why it's so important, and I think that that's why it's a good thing to do it.
joe rogan
Well, it's important when they're funny like you.
That's when it's important.
Because when they're not funny, they should just quit because they're ruining the rest of the whole thing.
I can't say that because a lot of people start off not funny and then figure out how to get funny.
christina pazsitzky
That's true.
Yeah, man.
Don't you think every guy or every girl faces their own biases socially?
When you go up on stage, the audience doesn't know who you are.
If you're a black guy, the assumption is, this guy's got to be the funniest guy on the planet.
joe rogan
Maybe to you, whitey.
tom segura
People do, I think, generalize black dudes on stage, though.
I think they give them more props a lot of times.
brian redban
Yeah, I agree with that.
tom segura
To black people they don't know.
joe rogan
Well, I think a lot of black people throughout history have been fantastic performers.
tom segura
Yeah, for sure.
joe rogan
If you look at the number of people, like, all-time, you know, number of black people and number of great black entertainers, especially in stand-up, is so disproportionate.
Because if you think of, like, the greatest comics of all time, you know, if you had to, like, do 100 of them, it's going to be more than 10 that are black, you know?
I mean, there's 10% of the population is black.
If you took the 100 greatest comedians, probably, like, 50 of them would be black.
christina pazsitzky
Right, right.
tom segura
Yeah, they're disproportionately funnier.
joe rogan
Yeah, I mean, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby.
You know, those are in the top five all-time greats.
And there's four of them.
They're black.
Dave Chappelle.
Five black guys.
Right there. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
christina pazsitzky
Very funny.
tom segura
Jews are funny.
Jews are funny!
joe rogan
I watched some...
Dude, see if you can pull this because it's kind of interesting.
Pull this up.
Rare footage of Woody Allen doing stand-up.
Woody Allen doing stand-up from 1965. My glasses.
He was funny.
christina pazsitzky
He was.
joe rogan
He was young.
And he was smart.
You could tell he was perverted.
I'll tell you that right now.
christina pazsitzky
That dude's a freak.
unidentified
You know what?
christina pazsitzky
He's always obsessed with young pussy.
That's always his theme in every movie, almost, if you watch them, it's redemption through young pussy.
joe rogan
Yeah.
unidentified
I'm aging.
That works.
christina pazsitzky
I'm nevish.
And it totally works.
You don't understand that that's real.
Is that right?
joe rogan
Of course it's real.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, is that why my dad does it?
joe rogan
I think old guys get young pussy.
And they bang him and they're like, yes!
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, redeeming.
unidentified
Of course.
joe rogan
Look at this.
Watch this.
unidentified
I know.
joe rogan
How old is it?
Did it say how old he is there, Brian?
65. Did it say how old he is?
christina pazsitzky
65. He was doing philosophy jokes and shit, this guy.
unidentified
Metropolitan Museum of Art, which is this fabulous museum of art.
And when I was younger, I used to hang out a lot at the museum in search of a meaningful social relationship.
I used to look for girls at the museum.
And I saw on the wall once a nude by Rubens, but a real succulent nude.
christina pazsitzky
Succulent.
unidentified
A naked huntress.
joe rogan
You've got to look at this, too.
He's so, like, animated.
unidentified
I got very emotionally involved with the painting, you know.
Two guards had to restrain me.
I tried to lick some of the oil off the canvas.
I was thinking to myself, at that time, where is it that I could meet the kind of girl that would pose for that type picture?
And in my neighborhood, there's an art supply shop that deals in offbeat things.
And I run down there, and I get the name of an artist model off the wall.
And I call her up.
And I came on very strong like an artist.
I used a lot of very artistic terms like brush, I said, and easel.
I was just adorable.
And we agreed on a price, you know, and hung up.
And I got all dressed up in my smock and beret, you know, and little Harvey's Bristol cream on the hair.
I'm too much when I want to be.
And I waited there.
Now, later, there's a knock on my door, and standing there is this fabulous woman, but really sensational.
I let her in quickly, you know, and I lock the door with my police lock immediately.
He's such a creep.
Take off your clothes right away, because I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.
tom segura
God the fuck.
joe rogan
Look at his face.
unidentified
She took off everything, very professional, and posed.
And I began to shake.
That's my thing.
I shake all the time.
I'm not good in those kind of situations.
I'm perspiring audibly.
She's standing there in front of me, majestic.
I took my piece of paper and my charcoal pencil and I went up to her and I got into little trouble with her because I tried to trace her.
Living as I do in our rich neighborhood.
joe rogan
It's fascinating to see.
tom segura
You can see his kinkiness, for sure.
unidentified
Oh, for sure!
joe rogan
By the way, do you know how racy that was in 1965 on television?
tom segura
Wow, yeah.
joe rogan
I think it was on television.
I mean, it's being filmed, whatever it is.
Does it say where it was from?
Does it say, like, a show or anything?
It was weird.
It was in front of a staircase.
It was a shitty set.
They didn't know about sets back then.
TV was only 10 years old.
tom segura
It doesn't say.
joe rogan
It doesn't say.
But when you stop and knowing what you know now and you watch that video...
unidentified
Yes!
christina pazsitzky
Isn't that something?
joe rogan
What a nightmare that must have been for everybody involved.
tom segura
Oh my god.
christina pazsitzky
Oh my god, dude.
joe rogan
Craziness, huh?
You and your wife get divorced and you're now banging his daughter.
Her daughter that used to be your daughter and now it's your wife.
tom segura
Adopted.
Your adopted daughter.
joe rogan
Your adopted daughter.
christina pazsitzky
It's not, okay.
tom segura
It's not healthy.
joe rogan
That's weird.
christina pazsitzky
Who trusts you as a parental figure?
joe rogan
But it's so weird.
I mean, has it ever been done by a public figure like that before?
unidentified
I don't know.
christina pazsitzky
Roman Polanski was banged.
joe rogan
No, no, no, nothing like that.
christina pazsitzky
But not his daughter.
joe rogan
But nothing like that.
Yeah, he raped a girl.
I mean, Roman Polanski did a really horrible thing.
unidentified
Wait a minute.
Jerry Lee Lewis.
tom segura
Jerry Lee Lewis banged his cousin.
christina pazsitzky
Didn't he marry his cousin?
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
That's different, too, though.
joe rogan
It's different, too, though.
tom segura
You're the parental figure.
joe rogan
Yeah, the parental figure is a way more disturbing prospect.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, man.
joe rogan
That's the most disturbing.
tom segura
Yeah, sure.
joe rogan
That's the one that makes you just unforgivably disturbing.
But the hot can't help what the hot wants.
That's what people would say.
christina pazsitzky
This is so gross.
joe rogan
And the wife, man, she seems like she's off the rails.
christina pazsitzky
Is this Mia Farrow?
joe rogan
She seems off the rails.
She was banging Sinatra when she was like 15. Well, her son is not Woody Allen's son.
Her son is Sinatra's son.
unidentified
What?
tom segura
But that's like not confirmed though, right?
joe rogan
Oh, it's totally confirmed.
It is?
Yeah.
Pull up the picture.
Mia Farrow's son is Sinatra's son.
Wait till you see him.
All you have to do is look at him and you go, that is Sinatra.
christina pazsitzky
Now how did she get hooked up with Sinatra?
joe rogan
He was slinging dick.
Okay.
Oh!
He's out there with the boys, Dino.
tom segura
Sammy D! How much did he crush back in the day?
unidentified
Oh, Frank.
tom segura
Sinatra?
christina pazsitzky
He would have crushed me.
joe rogan
Whoa, easy over here.
tom segura
That's fine.
joe rogan
I'd be like, it's the commissioner!
tom segura
Fucking do him!
joe rogan
You guys have a list?
Chairman of the board.
Sinatra, dead guys.
Dead guy.
Everyone dead.
Puerto Ricans, everyone dead.
Look at him.
Just shut the fuck up.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, he's so handsome!
unidentified
Look at him.
joe rogan
That is Frank Sinatra's kid.
christina pazsitzky
Totes.
joe rogan
Period.
tom segura
There's no Woody Allen in that.
joe rogan
Look at that sexy bastard.
christina pazsitzky
He's gorgeous.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
How they've blocked the director out of their lives.
Gee, I wonder why.
unidentified
Handsome.
joe rogan
Seems like you just want to leave him around with your kids.
Especially once your kids became like 16, 17. An Asian.
unidentified
Flowery.
joe rogan
I just want to touch her with my tongue.
unidentified
I wanted to lick the oils off of the painting.
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's, like, in that video of him doing stand-up, he's, like, so relishing in his perversions.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
And he also seems, like, really satisfied with himself.
christina pazsitzky
Very.
joe rogan
It's weird.
christina pazsitzky
Do you know he started so young?
joe rogan
Get the fuck out of here.
unidentified
Oh, he's so cute.
joe rogan
That kid is Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra.
I mean, that is, there is no Woody Allen in that motherfucker at all.
tom segura
No.
christina pazsitzky
Woody Allen started his career, Woody Allen started doing comedy, like writing as a comedy writer.
He dropped out of college at like the age of 20. He studied philosophy.
And then he became a comedy writer.
Like dudes like him have just been grandfathered into showbiz.
Like I was watching a documentary on Johnny Carson.
Like do you realize that Carson's been on television since television was invented?
Like in the Midwest there was one TV station.
Carson was on that from the time he was like 18 years old.
And then he's like, one day I got a call from NBC. And they were like, do you want a TV show?
What's TV? Okay.
And he's been on it since the very beginning.
He was on it, rather.
He's dead now, obviously.
He was a real antisocial piece of shit at home.
Like, he totally ignored his wife and kids.
unidentified
Like, he would come home and just sleep on the couch and be like, fuck off!
brian redban
Did you hear it?
joe rogan
But he was so friendly out in the real world.
brian redban
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like, out in front of the camera.
Do you think that maybe he just was overwhelmed by all the people that talked?
He was constantly seeing giant crowds of people and everybody, wherever he went, he was like getting interviewed and people were coming up to him and...
christina pazsitzky
That and I know that he had a very disapproving mother that his mother was like, he got the Tonight Show or something and his mom was like, eh, big deal.
Like, you still suck.
You're still not funny.
So I think there was some of that always wanting mom's approval, that hamster wheel.
joe rogan
But that's even less reasonable then because when I see people like that, they know what it's like to have shitty parents and they don't pay attention to their own kids.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
For you to perpetrate the same stupid shit that you went through because you're too dumb to figure out what fucked you up?
christina pazsitzky
Isn't that what we talked about at the beginning of this show, how if you're not cognizant of what decisions you're making, if you don't know how to think, then your whole life is in shambles around you.
brian redban
Did you hear about Johnny Carson's book that just came out?
And it talks about him and his ex-wife.
Yeah.
her face.
unidentified
Yeah.
brian redban
Kathy Lee Gifford's husband.
tom segura
Yeah, Frank.
brian redban
Yeah.
joe rogan
What are we, TMZ now?
What the fuck?
brian redban
Well, like Johnny Carson like broke into his house or her house and found all these photos of his wife and him together and had a gun in his pocket and he like This is all allegedly though, right?
joe rogan
None of this was like...
brian redban
No, this is all really true.
joe rogan
But how do you know?
brian redban
Because his friends were there and they're like Ed McMahon and stuff like that.
And so Ed McMahon and him all went to a bar later that night and just got wasted.
And then I guess Johnny Carson took a girl home that night from the bar.
tom segura
I'm Johnny Carson.
joe rogan
Yeah, I don't know, man.
That sounds like a lot of gossipy nonsense.
May or may not have happened type shit, but the guy obviously lived in a different era.
Being famous before him, being that famous on TV, didn't exist.
And that sort of intimacy, what I was going to point out, is that that intimacy of being in front of the camera every night like that...
unidentified
Decades.
joe rogan
It's incredibly unusual.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
And so like everywhere he went, I guarantee you people just wanted to be around him and thought that he was a part of their family.
unidentified
Sure.
joe rogan
Wanted to talk to him and grab him.
And he's probably like, leave me the fuck alone.
unidentified
Sure.
joe rogan
You know, Jesus Christ.
And so that's probably when he went home.
He probably had nothing left for his wife and kids.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Absolutely.
joe rogan
And then he might have married a cunt and his kids might have been shitheads.
I mean, I don't know what the fuck happened.
Guy lost a lot of money.
unidentified
Who knows?
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Guy lost a lot.
Don't put that up, Ryan.
christina pazsitzky
He had a few wives.
joe rogan
Guy lost a lot of fucking money.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
tom segura
Big time.
christina pazsitzky
Divorces will get you, right?
tom segura
Nine figures, I think.
joe rogan
His divorce was one of the things that Eddie Murphy talked about on stage in Raw.
Remember that?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
His divorce was so bad that Eddie Murphy talked about it on stage.
christina pazsitzky
It's bananas.
joe rogan
You know?
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
unidentified
Half.
joe rogan
He took some hits.
You know, and who knows?
Who knows what kind of a woman he married?
unidentified
Who knows?
tom segura
Yeah, who knows?
joe rogan
She might have been a sweetheart.
christina pazsitzky
I don't know.
Who knows?
His sons were like, yeah, we only went on vacation once, and dad ignored us, and you're like, oh my god.
tom segura
It sucks.
christina pazsitzky
And here you think, oh, you must be so great.
Johnny Carson's your dad.
You know, you just think.
I don't know.
I idealize those things, you know?
joe rogan
One of the weirdest things must be, like, be the son of a movie star.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, right?
joe rogan
Especially back in those days.
tom segura
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
I don't know.
I saw something about Steve McQueen.
They were honoring Steve McQueen.
They had Steve McQueen's son.
Steve McQueen's son's wearing sunglasses.
They're interviewing him and he's wearing sunglasses and he's inside.
Which is always like, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Unless you have a medical condition.
Why do you have sunglasses on?
It's just weird.
tom segura
No matter how big a star you are, too.
Unless you're black.
Yeah.
unidentified
Black guys can pull it off.
joe rogan
They can.
They just can.
I don't know why.
tom segura
Purple and orange, too.
christina pazsitzky
They can pull off everything, yeah.
joe rogan
Well, they can definitely pull off wearing sunglasses.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
You're right.
And those suit colors.
joe rogan
Why can they do it?
tom segura
I don't know.
I was just saying they're so strong.
They're so physically imposing.
joe rogan
Tommy, that's actually quite racist to say that.
tom segura
Yes.
joe rogan
Even though it's true?
tom segura
I support it 100%.
I back my thought on that.
joe rogan
It's also racist to imply they have big dicks.
It's also racist to imply that they like chicken and watermelon.
That's kind of fucked up because both chicken and watermelon are delicious and having a big dick is a good thing.
tom segura
Awesome.
And so is being really good at sports and physically strong.
joe rogan
So why is it that it's a problem?
tom segura
I think the people that really take issue with that are always taking issue with the fact that The implication and that what some people are getting from that is that that's the only thing that somebody black is good at or something that you can be impressed with is that they're, you know, the great entertainer or the big dick guy or they jump fucking through the roof.
And you go, no, that's not true.
I'm not saying it's the only thing.
I'm saying that's what I enjoy the most about those black guys is that that guy can jump through the fucking roof.
joe rogan
That's what you enjoy the most about them.
tom segura
Sure.
What am I getting out of fucking LeBron James?
joe rogan
How much of reality was there to what Jimmy the Greek got in trouble with saying?
tom segura
Here's the thing, my argument on that.
joe rogan
What did he say?
Tell people what he said.
tom segura
Jimmy the Greek was calling a game and he said...
I think the actual quote was, look at that little monkey go.
Oh, I remember the story.
And of course, I mean, you say it and you're like, that is unacceptable.
But there was basically people were...
joe rogan
Well, pull it up.
Pull it up.
Jimmy the Greek comments that got him fired.
It's on YouTube.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's apparently...
Oh, he's dead.
christina pazsitzky
What year did this take place?
tom segura
This had to have been...
I want to say...
joe rogan
1988. I thought it was earlier.
tom segura
I thought it was early.
Was it 88?
joe rogan
Yeah, 1988. An embarrassed CBS fired a contrite Jimmy the Greek...
unidentified
Was asking questions about Martin Luther King's birthday and the progress blacks have made in society.
tom segura
This is not what I was talking about.
unidentified
Their CBS Sports commentator Jimmy the Greek Snyder gave his impressions of blacks in coaching in the National Football League.
His answers could raise as much controversy as the statements by former Dodgers executive Al Campanis last April on ABC's Nightline news program.
Pretty soon they're gonna have to equalize it for the blacks.
For the Greeks, the Jews, and for everybody.
I mean, let's make it equal for everybody.
And is it equal?
What about in sports?
Well, they've got everything.
If they take over coaching like everybody wants them to, there's not going to be anything left for the white people.
I mean, all the players are black.
I mean, the only thing that the whites control is the coaching jobs.
Now, I'm not being derogatory about it, but that's all that's left for them.
The black talent is beautiful.
It's great.
It's out there.
The only thing left for the whites is a couple coaching jobs.
Maybe we need to get more black coaches, wouldn't we?
Oh, it's all right with me.
I'm sure that they'll take over that pretty soon, too.
joe rogan
Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with that.
tom segura
I'm talking about his in-game comment.
Isn't there a comment?
joe rogan
He got fired for that?
christina pazsitzky
No, no.
joe rogan
No, that doesn't seem right.
I think there's probably another video.
tom segura
There's an in-game, he's calling a game, and there's a guy, I don't know.
That's what I thought.
joe rogan
Well, he was saying something about their butts being higher and their legs being longer.
Remember that?
tom segura
I actually, no.
For me, I don't remember it happening.
I remember learning about it, and I thought it was the game comment that got him the most in trouble.
I mean, obviously, he could have gotten in trouble, obviously, for what he said there.
joe rogan
Yeah, but why would he get in trouble for what he said there?
tom segura
Well, I think the implication...
joe rogan
No, that's Brett Musburger's commentary on him getting fired.
tom segura
That's not it.
unidentified
Because, well...
tom segura
That's kind of attached to the idea that black guys couldn't be quarterbacks.
They could play every other position.
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
He didn't say that, though.
tom segura
No, no, no.
I'm saying it's connected to the same point of view, which was that quarterbacks had to be smart, and then coaching is thought of as the total mental thing.
joe rogan
That's not what he was saying, though.
He was saying that black guys are taking over every spot.
They were saying that black guys are going to be every player, and they're eventually going to take over coaching, too.
He said they were eventually going to take over coaching, too.
He's very specific.
tom segura
And if they did, there'd be nothing left for the whites to do.
joe rogan
Yeah.
I mean, he's being honest.
I mean, look, it's not saying that white guys can't do it, but he's saying that the majority of the people are...
Hey, guys.
The majority of the people are going to be black.
That's what he's saying.
That they're dominating.
He's right.
tom segura
He is right.
joe rogan
So how is that controversial?
brian redban
Well, I suppose they also said during the slave period, the slave owner would breed the big black.
joe rogan
That's not that time.
But what I'm saying is that time right there.
Nothing he said was controversial.
That was the thing that was controversial.
And that's what I was going to ask you about.
When I said...
Do you think that what he said has merit?
That they bred people to be the largest slaves?
tom segura
Definitely.
joe rogan
They definitely did that.
tom segura
Is that been proven?
I think that that definitely happened, and I think you definitely see the results of that in today's population in some way.
There's no way you can look at some of the African American, the black population...
And not actually think that there's some validity to like super breeding having taken place.
Like there's...
I think there's a disproportionate amount of...
Unbelievably athletic, huge black athletes.
brian redban
You think the Asians were bred small then?
No.
joe rogan
But they weren't slaves over here.
christina pazsitzky
But if you look at England, and that's a population that's been bred in and of itself.
And they're very tasty.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Well, that's also the weather they're dealing with.
They're pasty because there's no sun.
christina pazsitzky
No sun.
joe rogan
They've been there for thousands of years.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
And that's a really involved situation.
Those people have been there a long-ass time.
tom segura
The problem with that slavery thing, or saying that slaves created great athletes, is that white people said it before, and it was always a problem.
But then in...
In recent years, and I think the last person to say it was Michael Johnson, the last prominent black guy to say it, our former Olympic gold medalist, he was like, yeah, absolutely, that's a valid point of view to take.
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
That we have some super athletic gene in some of us.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, if you were going to own slaves, too, it only makes sense.
People who own dogs do that.
People who own roosters, fighting roosters, they do that, too.
They beat the best with the best.
You've been doing that forever.
tom segura
You can't look at it from whether it's humanitarian or politically correct to say.
You look at it like, well, imagine you're trying to get production out of humans, and you see one that's really built and strong, and you see another, and you go, you two, you're going to make kids.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it's empirically...
tom segura
Sure.
And why wouldn't those genes then be passed on for generations?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, for sure.
tom segura
I mean, it seems like it makes sense to me.
I don't have proof of it.
christina pazsitzky
It's intuitive to me, too.
joe rogan
Slave genes myth must die.
Michael Johnson links African-American sprinters to slavery and revisits a particularly ugly pseudoscience.
tom segura
But why is that so ugly?
joe rogan
Particularly ugly.
As a historian, I find to be stunning about what he said.
The claim of supremacy of black athletes in track had never been discussed openly before.
Actually, with his words, Johnson plunged himself into a century-old debate that seems to rear its rather ugly head every four years.
tom segura
Not ugly.
joe rogan
Just in time for the opening of the sport's largest global stage, Johnson supported his theory with the examples of men's 100mm finals in the Beijing Olympics.
Three of the eight finalists came from Jamaica, including a record-breaker winner, Usain Bolt.
Two from Trinidad.
African-Americans Walter Dix and Doc Patton.
And Dutch sprinter Charande Martina, who hails from Cura Curacao, rounded out the line.
Racial assumptions don't work easily, as simply noting that four years ago, all eight finalists in the quest to be the world's fastest men likely had ancestors who were slaves, because race is, well, never simple.
What the fuck is that?
But rather works as an ambionic This guy, whoever wrote this, is an intellectual dodo.
Oh, it's a woman.
It's a woman.
That's a dodo statement.
That's a statement where you're just not being honest about something and you're trying to be massively politically correct despite of the preponderance of information.
tom segura
And you don't follow sports.
If you wrote that, you don't follow.
You don't know what's going on in major sports.
joe rogan
Do you think it's a black woman or a white woman who wrote that?
christina pazsitzky
White woman.
tom segura
You think so?
I think so.
christina pazsitzky
She's so afraid of political incorrectness.
tom segura
Just like the white woman that gets offended for everybody else at the show.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, the righteous indignation.
That was racist.
joe rogan
Isn't that fascinating?
christina pazsitzky
How dare you say that?
tom segura
They'll say that to you about whatever.
joe rogan
It could be a Mexican joke.
tom segura
Of course.
christina pazsitzky
Liberal.
tom segura
They'll say that about a Mexican joke and there'll be a Mexican guy high-fiving you.
He's like, that's just true.
And she's like, that is not acceptable.
christina pazsitzky
White people are the racial police for everybody else, don't you know?
joe rogan
Yeah, well, there's a lot of white...
I mean, white guilt is as real as fuck.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
The white guilt is so real.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, totally.
joe rogan
And the need to get brownie points from black people is so huge.
unidentified
I totally do, too.
joe rogan
And from other fellow progressives.
tom segura
And I want to say...
joe rogan
You do, too?
unidentified
What?
christina pazsitzky
I totally...
I love black approval.
Like, when a black person...
Tom and I always talk about how good we feel when, like, a black person's like, you're really funny.
You're like, oh, my God.
joe rogan
Yeah, but that's not meaning that you distort reality in the form of journalism to try to...
christina pazsitzky
Negative.
joe rogan
Like, what that woman said in that article, like, the way she's saying it, it's like, that's such a nonsense statement.
christina pazsitzky
I'm not sure I even understand her immediate anything.
I don't even want to understand it.
joe rogan
How does it rear its ugly head, first of all?
Saying someone because of slavery is fucking awesome at athletics.
Last time I checked, being awesome at athletics is really good.
christina pazsitzky
Correct, yes.
joe rogan
And there have been, for sure, some horrible things that have happened...
Like, for instance, my people, Sicilians, if you look at that whole movie True Romance, I mean, that was the whole scene where Christopher Walken and, uh, what the fuck is his name?
christina pazsitzky
Uh, the dad.
joe rogan
Goddammit.
christina pazsitzky
I know, the dad, he goes, your great-great-grandmother.
joe rogan
The guy from Easy Rider.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, whose name I don't remember.
unidentified
Hopkins, Dennis Hopper.
joe rogan
Dennis Hopper.
That whole eggplant discussion.
It's true, the Moors raped...
All the people.
That's why my people are savages.
That's why they have dark hair.
christina pazsitzky
But I think it's people's inability to grasp reality and the brutality of shit that's actually happened.
It's because it's associated with something ugly.
Slavery was an ugly practice.
joe rogan
For sure.
christina pazsitzky
And people are so terrified of it.
joe rogan
Right.
You're connecting something awesome but coming from something ugly with being a part of that ugly thing.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
And accusing someone of being awesome because of that somehow or another diminishes their accomplishments.
But scientifically and statistically, when you're looking at, again, one-tenth of the population is black.
But 90% of the sprinters are black.
tom segura
Maybe more.
joe rogan
Maybe more.
tom segura
That's one where they just completely dominate.
joe rogan
How about football players?
tom segura
Football is probably like 65-70%.
joe rogan
That's pretty high.
tom segura
And basketball...
Basketball is probably 85 to 90%.
joe rogan
And boxing.
Boxing is like, there's Mexicans and there's a few Filipinos.
tom segura
A couple Russians.
joe rogan
A couple Russians and this scattered white guy that fucking didn't have a good dad.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Other than that, it's a lot of black people.
I mean, it's a really dumb thing to pretend that that's not the case.
tom segura
Black people in the United States have stopped playing.
There's a lot less interest in the black culture for playing baseball, but not in Latin America.
And guess what?
Fucking black Latinos.
Incredibly dominant baseball players, because that's the major sport.
Soccer.
I mean, you look at black...
A ton of black people that are Brazilian.
joe rogan
Pele, bitch.
tom segura
Oh my god.
Come on, son.
joe rogan
How about MMA fighters from Brazil?
There's a shitload of black MMA fighters from Brazil.
tom segura
Yep.
joe rogan
That are excellent.
christina pazsitzky
Even golf.
tom segura
Yeah, there's that one...
christina pazsitzky
Hello?
tom segura
That one guy's pretty good.
christina pazsitzky
The one guy dominates that whole thing, right?
joe rogan
That one guy's not doing so good anymore.
tom segura
Yeah, he's not, but he's still...
joe rogan
He just got crushed by the media.
tom segura
He still...
christina pazsitzky
Yes, he did.
joe rogan
Racked his confidence.
christina pazsitzky
Wasn't that the best?
We were just talking about...
joe rogan
The best?
You liked it?
christina pazsitzky
How crazy that scandal was.
I did, because at the time I was a writer on Chelsea lately, so it was like...
joe rogan
It was a windfall.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it was like manna from the...
tom segura
Yeah, that's a...
christina pazsitzky
Whatever tabloid gods.
But it was so crazy that the guy, the nerdy golf player, was pulling so much puss.
joe rogan
I honestly think they all are.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, probably.
joe rogan
I think they're men.
They're rich, famous athletes.
Those guys are so baller.
The amount of money that those big-time pro golfers make, even a person that is doing well can't relate to the amount of money that Tiger Woods has made.
Tiger Woods has made a billion dollars off knocking a ball into a hole in the dirt.
I don't think anybody can ever understand the appeal of a million dollars on a bimbo.
A billion is off the charts.
A guy who makes billions, knocking ball, and just likes to sling dick...
christina pazsitzky
So great.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
The way I described it, I said that he looked like a really unfortunate looking but wildly successful man who was attacked by sluts.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
If he...
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
If sluts were fleas, he would need a collar.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
And I'm not slut shaming, by the way.
tom segura
No, no.
christina pazsitzky
No, that was very pro-sex of you, though.
joe rogan
They should be able to do whatever they want to do.
tom segura
But just as a story...
joe rogan
It's a bad word, maybe.
Slut.
Take it away.
christina pazsitzky
Oh.
You know what though?
joe rogan
Free girl?
christina pazsitzky
I'm kind of opposed to gold digging though.
joe rogan
Opposed to it?
christina pazsitzky
I don't like it.
As a woman, I want us to be better.
I'd like us to be contributors to society.
I'd like us to win Nobel Prizes and not take rich guys' money for sex.
joe rogan
Well, for sure there's a lot of men out there that are taking someone's money too.
There's gold diggers that are men.
I know gold diggers that are men that have wives that are rich and famous.
christina pazsitzky
They don't do shit.
joe rogan
Not famous, rather, but rich and successful, I should say.
Yeah, it is disproportionate, but weak people are weak people everywhere you go.
There's always someone who wants someone to take care of them.
There's sons of rich men.
Are oftentimes just as bad as a gold digger.
Like having no desire to achieve or perform anything.
A delusional perception of reality.
You know, a delusional idea of what their own value is.
Because they don't really contribute.
They just were given a free ride.
So they never developed a character.
tom segura
And unbelievably privileged.
Like a really nice free ride.
Where they feel very entitled to everything.
joe rogan
Much like when I said, you know, that you can't ever say that comics can't.
Have a successful relationship because you guys can do it.
You can never say that...
You can't say that...
There's always going to be a group of people in any gender, whether it's transgender, whether it's gay.
There's always going to be a group of people that just fail.
There's going to be a group of women that fail, a group of men that fail.
There's going to be people that just don't get their shit together, don't ever self-actualize, don't ever pursue their dreams, don't ever get involved in anything they truly love.
It's going to happen.
But there's always going to be people that do.
There always have been.
From Amelia Earhart to fill in the blank.
All throughout history.
There's always been women that have figured out a way to achieve and do things that they really truly enjoy doing.
tom segura
Like our flight attendant.
Oh no!
unidentified
Stop now!
Stop!
christina pazsitzky
The hijacker?
tom segura
I heard it.
joe rogan
We got hijacked for the longest time I've ever been hijacked as an adult.
Tommy and I were having a fun little conversation and we ordered a little glass of wine because we're gentlemen and we're on a business trip.
We decided to have a little wine and we're sitting there and the woman came over and she made a joke.
About the temperature of the wine.
And I made the mistake of going, um, is it like you're apologizing and it's too cold?
That's funny.
I've never heard anybody apologize that wine is too cold.
She goes, oh, well, if you remember the scene from Sideways.
See, I've never really been much into wine.
The only time I drink wine is in church.
But there's a funny thing about wine.
I knew a guy, and the guy was a wine connoisseur.
And they brought him a bottle of wine and said, should we put this in the refrigerator?
Don't you touch it and put it in the refrigerator.
Don't you put a hand on that wine and bring it in the refrigerator.
I thought it was so funny, but of course I don't drink.
The only time I drink is a drink.
unidentified
And it went on and on and on.
tom segura
Yes.
joe rogan
To the point where I was lucky because I was in the window.
So I just abandoned Tommy.
I lifted up the window and I put my face to the glass.
Then I reached into my laptop bag and I pulled out my notepad and I started writing down.
And I wrote in my notepad...
That flight attendant won't shut the fuck up.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I wrote that in my notepad.
tom segura
I started writing it in front of her, too.
christina pazsitzky
Did you?
tom segura
Yes.
Well, first of all, when she came over, she goes, do you want something to drink?
I said, yeah.
Do you have Pinot Noir?
Which is not that crazy to say.
Sometimes they go, no, we have cab.
unidentified
Stewardess.
joe rogan
Yeah, won't shut the fuck up.
unidentified
Oh, that's crazy.
christina pazsitzky
Great.
joe rogan
I was like, this has to be addressed.
tom segura
When I said, do you have Pinot Noir?
She goes, excuse me?
And I go, Pinot Noir?
She goes, do you think you're in Lyon, France?
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
And I was like, no.
christina pazsitzky
It's not even fancy.
tom segura
Yeah, it's not crazy.
And she was like, we got red or white?
And I was like, alright, red.
And then when she came back, it was...
Sideways.
It was the sommelier at Macy's who, when I worked at the hospital, they brought him the wine and he said, should I chill this?
unidentified
And he was like, should I chill this?
joe rogan
And we're talking about the most boring sentences.
tom segura
Oh yeah.
joe rogan
These were incredibly boring sentences.
The worst.
tom segura
Oh God.
When she left.
When she left, we go like, what the fuck was that?
She left, she came back, and I just looked up, she goes, did you ever see the movie Simon?
And I was like, uh-uh.
She was like, my favorite scene in that is a wine scene.
And I was like...
Alright.
And this is when I zoned out.
She was like, Bruce Willis and whatever actor.
And she was like, and they knocked over at all the wine fall.
I thought it was a great scene.
And I was like, yeah.
joe rogan
She wouldn't stop.
And you know what's really fascinating?
Before this happened, Tommy nailed her personality.
Because we may or may not have had before we got on that plane.
And so we were, it was just starting to kick in in mid-flight.
And he goes, you know what I think?
I think that they put her on this small plane because she can't work well with others.
unidentified
Oh, right.
joe rogan
And that the other students don't like working with her.
So they stick her on these small planes because she doesn't want to be around anybody.
She's probably been doing this a long time.
And they know she doesn't work well with others.
And then she came over and just right away gave us the ferocious ear beating.
And I was like, she's right.
The ear beating.
tom segura
Yes, it was an ear beating.
joe rogan
She gave us an ear beating on shutting off the phones, too.
tom segura
Held up her phone.
I pressed this button.
joe rogan
We didn't have our phones on.
It's not like we were resisting.
We shut our phones off, but she did it for the whole thing.
This is what I want you to do.
You see this button, I want you to press this button.
Not in airplane mode, folks.
Not in airplane mode.
I want you to shut this button.
If you have an iPhone...
I want you to slide that over that says shut it off.
And I mean, she's going on and on and on.
It's taking a long ass time.
And if you wanted to read a book or if you wanted to listen to your iPod, that's not happening.
No, you're dealing with this nonsense.
You're dealing with it.
And you can't even fight against that nonsense because if you argue at all about anything, they kick you off the plane.
christina pazsitzky
She's got the power.
It's over.
joe rogan
I had a friend get kicked off the plane because he was upset that they didn't find a seat for his son next to him.
They didn't find anybody that was willing to move.
It was an hour and a half flight from San Francisco to Seattle.
It's a quick-ass flight.
And he said, is it possible?
She was like, sir, we've tried.
There's nothing we can do.
He goes, I have a five-year-old, though.
Why did you guys sell me a ticket?
I told you who's five years old.
You can't have a five-year-old sit by himself.
He's terrified of flying in the first place.
Like, all I'm asking is someone, if you ask if someone could switch seats.
And she said, sir, I've tried.
There's nothing we can do.
Please take your seat.
And he was like, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline.
Like, you guys are horrible.
I can't believe you're doing this.
So that's all he says.
He goes and sits down, and the fucking captain comes up to him.
He says, sir, you're going to have to come off the same.
They say you're aggressive, and you're...
And he was like, what?
He goes, you must be joking.
He goes, all I asked is if they could find a seat for my son.
I didn't use profanity.
I didn't raise my voice.
I said, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline that I've ever seen.
That's all I said, because you weren't even willing to look for someone.
And they kicked him off the plane.
And he was like, I can't believe this.
He goes, I'm not aggressive.
But we saw that.
Was it you and I that saw that?
Who did we see?
Were we on a plane?
We saw two guys arguing about the bin.
tom segura
I don't know.
joe rogan
Are you with me on that one?
tom segura
I don't think.
I've seen two people kicked off planes.
joe rogan
Might have been Ari.
tom segura
I've seen a lady get kicked off for having attitude about her whole day.
She was like, you put me later on this shit, and now I'm here, and fuck it, and she was just complaining, complaining, complaining, and she was, I think, aggressive speaking to them.
Boom.
Boot.
And I saw one who got kicked her whole family off, and she had small children.
She was breastfeeding one of them, and they were like, We're going to taxi now and you need to...
joe rogan
Why'd she get kicked off?
tom segura
She gave the lady attitude about...
The flight attendant attitude when the flight attendant asked her...
I don't know if she asked her to stop breastfeeding while we were going to taxi.
unidentified
Oh, come on.
tom segura
But she told her, like, you know, why don't you just worry about the drinks while I'm breastfeeding?
And they were like, uh-uh.
And then we stopped...
And actually, that one, they had police come out to the...
They didn't even go back.
The police came out, they opened the door.
joe rogan
So you think they just get off on the power?
tom segura
Absolutely.
I think sometimes they absolutely...
Want to protect themselves, and they have to.
You can't have somebody who's an actual threat to the flight.
But I think there's definitely a thrill in knowing that if somebody gives you kind of a little jab, kind of a little attitude, you can be like, I could fuck up your day right now pretty badly.
And I can justify it.
joe rogan
And we were talking about that, that this ability to hijack you is kind of the same thing.
Because in a normal scenario, you don't have to listen to this person.
You're not stuck in a chair, literally strapped in with a fucking belt.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
You have to listen.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
And they can just hover over you and just shit in your face.
tom segura
Yeah.
unidentified
That's right.
brian redban
Pop your headphones on in your hood, in your glasses.
joe rogan
Yeah, but you can't do that in the middle of a conversation where you're having a conversation with another guy and then you're having a wine and then all of a sudden, boom, you're stuck.
tom segura
The glasses.
I don't know if you remember, the glasses were these, they were like tasting glasses.
joe rogan
They were very small.
tom segura
Very small.
And the first time, I had two sips and it was empty.
And she goes, do you want a refill?
And I go, yeah.
And she goes, we had a couple of drinkers up here.
I was like, it's kind of like, you know, I can see a certain person, not me personally, but I could see that comment really setting somebody off.
The outside implication of like, we got a couple of drunks.
joe rogan
I don't want to say any more than that.
No, no.
No need to say any more than we already said.
We already got too cruel.
brian redban
Poor lady.
joe rogan
She's lonely.
She wants to talk to people.
christina pazsitzky
Jesus Christ.
We're a couple assholes.
tom segura
That's okay.
unidentified
You're an asshole.
I'm an asshole.
tom segura
I feel alright about it.
christina pazsitzky
But don't you think it's an inability to read social cues?
joe rogan
Yes.
Oh, there's no doubt.
tom segura
She has no doubt.
Zero ability.
joe rogan
She wasn't good at it.
Or she didn't care.
She just wanted to talk.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Who knows?
A lot of people, by the way, are a little pilled up and they don't even know that you don't want them to talk to you.
Everything's going to be okay, folks.
There's a few of those people that are antidepressant the fuck up.
Super duper common.
If you look at the number of prescriptions sold, the number of antidepressant prescriptions that are sold in this country every year, it's...
It's staggering.
I believe it's like 30 million people.
Let's see how many people are on antidepressants.
Let's just guess.
I'm saying it's about 30 million.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I think.
Remember that book, Prozac Nation?
Was that in the 90s?
That's when they started it.
tom segura
It's exploded.
christina pazsitzky
And everyone was on Prozac then.
tom segura
It's exploded.
It's such a huge industry.
christina pazsitzky
I know a handful of people.
joe rogan
I have a friend on Prozac.
Good guy, too.
Great guy.
Astounding increase in antidepressant use by Americans.
A Harvard University study.
Harvard Health Publications from Harvard Medical School.
christina pazsitzky
Or you could just smoke weed, right?
josh olin
People 12 and over increased by almost 400%.
joe rogan
Wow!
Between 1988 to 1994 and then from 2005 to 2008. That's incredible.
Holy shit.
23% of all people on antidepressants are women in their 40s and 50s.
No, no, no.
Excuse me.
23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressants.
unidentified
Wow.
christina pazsitzky
That's one in four.
joe rogan
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
But that makes sense.
joe rogan
23%.
tom segura
Holy shit.
christina pazsitzky
You're going through the change of life.
joe rogan
A higher percentage than any other group by age or sex.
Just stop and think about that.
23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on a pill that keeps them happy.
tom segura
Statistically, there's a really good chance that our flight attendant is one of those people.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.
Look, I had a friend that was on it, and one of the things he said to me was that when he was on it, nothing bothered him.
He was on Zoloft, and he's like, nothing bothers me.
Nothing conveys me.
Everything's fine.
Nothing bothers me.
And those kind of people, they don't see things coming.
They're not aware that they're being weird.
tom segura
I wonder what, it would be interesting, obviously it won't happen, but to hear what her version of that dialogue would be.
You know what I mean?
It's also kind of like, it was great to talk to those guys.
christina pazsitzky
So much fun.
These two guys were in wine.
We had a great conversation.
tom segura
They love me.
They love my fucking anecdotes about sideways.
joe rogan
I'll tell you, I told them the sideways story and...
Never seen two guys have a better time in a flight.
unidentified
They were pretty on the end of the fucking bottle.
joe rogan
One of them had two drinks, the other one had about five.
Maybe a total of four ounces.
They were really little glasses.
tom segura
Sipping glass.
joe rogan
Of wine.
tom segura
Okay, we got a couple of drunks in the fourth round.
joe rogan
I don't know if that was what was going on, if she was on antidepressants, but I do know that she wasn't good at reading shit.
christina pazsitzky
Negative, no.
tom segura
You meet people like that all the time.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, I'm related to a few.
joe rogan
So the question is, should she have to completely revamp her life, get her shit together, change her diet, start exercising, start taking care of her health, start applying different philosophies to her life at X years of age, you know, an advanced age?
Or should she just take a fucking pill?
What makes her happier?
tom segura
Right.
christina pazsitzky
Exactly, yes.
joe rogan
Life doesn't live forever.
tom segura
There's definitely an easier path and seems like a little more resistance than another path.
joe rogan
That other path seems like a pain in the dick.
tom segura
Take one of these.
joe rogan
Less than a third of Americans who are taking a single antidepressant, as opposed to two or more, have seen a mental health professional in the past year.
Some people are just taking the pills.
christina pazsitzky
I'm fine.
That's scary, without any kind of supervision.
joe rogan
I'm a mental health professional.
christina pazsitzky
Yes.
joe rogan
And as are you.
You guys provide mental health relief in the form of comedy.
christina pazsitzky
That's true.
joe rogan
I'm a mental health professional from now on.
tom segura
I feel good about it.
christina pazsitzky
I've never done them, but I hear...
joe rogan
I think we're distributors of mental health.
christina pazsitzky
For sure, yeah.
But I hear it can be helpful if you're going through some really depressing time just to kind of allow you to get some distance to get clarity on the issue.
I mean, again, I've never...
joe rogan
Oh, like a pill can help you?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, like let's say something really tragic like your spouse dies and you can't even go on.
I guess it helps to give you some kind of perspective.
joe rogan
Well, you know what's one of the best for that?
Bless you.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know what's the best is ecstasy.
Yes.
MDMA is incredible for that.
tom segura
For grief?
joe rogan
Yep.
Really?
Grief, for post-traumatic stress.
tom segura
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
Yeah.
For people with PTSD, for people who've been victimized, for people who have had horrible things happen to them.
They say it's an almost immediate and really, like, fulfilled relief.
Like, it's not just a temporary relief.
It's a relief where you gain perspective on, like, maybe you had a terrible breakup and you take ecstasy.
And whatever reason, it allows you to see things in a different way where you forgive.
That's interesting.
tom segura
I had no idea.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's supposed to be amazing for that.
It's supposed to be amazing for stress, too, for soldiers and shit.
Soldiers coming back from the war with PTSD. That's a huge problem.
Duncan, you know, put it in perspective first.
He goes, you think about how many people are over there that are experiencing things that no one here is seeing.
And then they're going to come here, and then they're going to try to integrate in society and get some shitty fucking job.
christina pazsitzky
How?
joe rogan
And try to forget everything they did.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Try to forget all the killing.
christina pazsitzky
Dude, I went to Afghanistan for two weeks, like, a couple years ago, and just in two weeks, being a spectator to a war, just being a tourist in all of it, was so...
You saw me when I came back.
I was, like, shell-shocked.
I sat on my shrink's couch, like, bawling.
You see, you know, you tour the hospitals, and you see little eight-year-old boys who fell into a fire and they're burned, or you see 20-year-old kids who stepped on IEDs and they lose their limbs or their faces are blown off.
tom segura
It's terrible.
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
It's really crazy.
And I saw a fraction of it, you know what I mean?
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
So imagine if you're there doing a tour.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, you're doing it day after day.
tom segura
Oh my God.
christina pazsitzky
Years.
unidentified
Bananas.
tom segura
Yeah, I mean, you know, war tour, not like a tour of performing.
joe rogan
Well, that's why when that guy went over and he was suffering from PTSD and they wound up just murdering a bunch of people and killed a bunch of civilians.
And they were like, this guy had been crying for help.
This guy had been talking about his PTSD, trying to get out of the arm, and they sent him over there again.
And he just cracked.
I mean, literally reached a point where he cracked.
And you can only see so much brutality, so much before you lose your perspective.
You lose humanity.
tom segura
We don't take care enough.
joe rogan
And I'm not excusing what he did by any stretch of the imagination.
What I'm saying is, when something like that happens, you've got to wonder, what makes a person capable of doing that?
Were they a psycho going in?
Or do you make them a psycho?
Does their experiences make them a psycho?
Does the lack of feeling make them want to do something that shocks them?
I mean, do they get to the point where they see so much killing and they've killed so many people that they're not even aware of what's real or what's not?
And how medicated are they?
Are they medicated?
Do we even know?
christina pazsitzky
But that's your job, to kill people.
tom segura
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's the crazy part, is they're like, you're getting a paycheck to kill people.
tom segura
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
That's a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian.
joe rogan
U.S. soldiers, here we go.
christina pazsitzky
Oh my life.
joe rogan
U.S. soldiers are dangerously over, this is in this article, Natural News, is that a real website?
U.S. soldiers dangerously over-medicated with anti-psychotic drugs.
Yeah.
So apparently there's a lot of them that they have real issues with war, and they give them Prozac.
tom segura
You need somebody, you need to put people in there that, I'm saying like it's not for everybody, you know?
Yeah.
I think that you should almost, there should almost be a clause where like you can go and be like, I can't do this and they should let you.
joe rogan
NBC News, heavily armed and medicated.
That's on fucking Newsweek or NBC News rather.
Wow.
tom segura
Yeah, those guys, I feel bad for them.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, you should get a card.
Like, you get into the military and you go, yo, this isn't for me.
Yeah, you should be able to.
joe rogan
Here's the deal.
It's not for anybody.
tom segura
It's not for anybody, but there's some people that...
joe rogan
You know what it is for?
It's for psychos and people who think that it's something that it's not.
christina pazsitzky
Exactly.
joe rogan
And then when they get over there, they realize, oh, I'm not defending my country.
I'm working for this...
It's a brutal company that doesn't give a fuck about any people.
It's comprised of people and yet it doesn't care about people.
It just cares about siphoning out money and distributing it to a few people that will never be over here killing people.
That's the weirdest thing of all.
When you look at the amount of money that gets siphoned out of war and then injected into the bank accounts of people that don't kill anybody, don't risk any life, don't risk their health for a second.
And they're living like fucking bankers.
They're living like gangsters.
If you look at the people that are making the most money out of war, I mean, it's quite shocking the amount of money that you can extract and never have to kill anybody.
tom segura
That's why there will always be wars forever and ever and ever.
joe rogan
I don't know about that, man.
I don't know about that.
tom segura
I think it's like you look at those pharmaceutical statistics and you realize that industry, that lobby is too powerful and it's too strong for it to get defeated.
That's why those pills will be around.
There will be new pills.
There will be new drugs.
War is such a profitable thing.
I mean, idealistically, obviously, you don't want there to be wars, but I think that there's too much to be gained, unfortunately.
joe rogan
I wonder.
christina pazsitzky
America, definitely.
unidentified
Definitely.
christina pazsitzky
The country, definitely.
joe rogan
Definitely.
For sure?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
So you think there's no way to fix it?
christina pazsitzky
Well, we're so into it.
We're so enmeshed in it.
joe rogan
Right, but how come we can fix it?
How about if we ran the world?
If the world consisted of everybody in this room, I'm pretty sure no one's going to kill anybody.
You might get mad at Brian if he fucking takes a picture of his penis over your forehead while you're sleeping or something.
tom segura
Brian would be the one that would get attacked at the first, I think.
joe rogan
Yeah, he'd get attacked at the first.
But I don't think we'd kill him.
tom segura
No.
christina pazsitzky
I wouldn't murder him, no.
I would just relegate him to some kind of job where he had no authority.
brian redban
Sex slave.
joe rogan
If he wasn't hunting.
Sex drunker.
christina pazsitzky
No hunting for Brian.
joe rogan
If he wasn't bringing in his food and he was eating all your food, you'd get a little annoyed.
It's like, Brian, you haven't killed one rabbit.
I tried.
unidentified
I tried.
tom segura
I sold my butthole.
joe rogan
She's partying.
tom segura
I was at Olive Garden with my butthole.
christina pazsitzky
Joe, I see in your future, would you start a society like a compound where everybody hunts their own food and grows their own food?
joe rogan
Well, then they're going to come and get you.
Nobody wants anybody to be self-sustaining inside this country.
christina pazsitzky
Who's going to get the government will shut down?
joe rogan
Yeah, they'll Waco you.
They'll come and Waco you.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, that's so true.
I forgot about that part.
joe rogan
You could have a community, but they would infiltrate it.
The government would infiltrate it, and then they'd find someone who was selling mushrooms, and then they'd come in and bust it.
The idea of someone gaining a stronghold on a group of people with a different ideology, a non-supportive ideology of the thing that's running the country right now, they're not down for that.
christina pazsitzky
Very true.
joe rogan
It's just natural.
It's natural to try to fight that off.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, sidebar.
Have you seen?
Sorry, because I had a thought.
I was driving a Downey, like, ages ago.
And there was a billboard for the Marines, and it was like, Mexican traditions.
Be a good Mexican.
Be a Marine.
And you're like, whoa, this is so evil.
joe rogan
Hispanic, I think it said, right?
christina pazsitzky
Well, you know.
Wow, that is really sneaky.
That's how you appeal to a poor young dude, right?
To live up to this ideal of manhood, of perceived...
joe rogan
Well, all those commercials, they all appeal to your sense of wanting to be a great, impactful person, to be an adventurer, to be, you know, something, to be a warrior.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
Someone who's noble.
tom segura
When they're that.
joe rogan
Stand there and slide that sword in.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, it looks great, though, to an 18-year-old boy when he'd be like, fuck yeah, I want a sword.
joe rogan
It's great to a 45-year-old man who's smart enough to realize why it looks great.
unidentified
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
tom segura
When you see the propaganda, though, that's so guided towards a group that's not you, is when you realize how much there's propaganda.
You don't see it as propaganda when you see it as an act.
You're like, oh, this is a thing.
But then when you...
When it's so, like, geared toward another group, you know, like that banking commercial we saw?
christina pazsitzky
Oh my god, that was ridiculous!
tom segura
And the girl comes home with her check, and she's, like, speaking Spanish and English, you know, and it's like, this is just so, to, like, you know, appeal to the Spanish speaking.
But it's like, it's such a, you know, she's just like...
joe rogan
Speak Spanish and English?
tom segura
Right, like, she gets home and she's like, Mina, I got my first check!
No way.
And they're like, ay, que linda!
She's so happy!
unidentified
And then she's like, look at my check!
tom segura
She takes a picture.
unidentified
She's taking a photo of her check!
tom segura
She's like, no, I'm making a deposit!
And it's just like a Spanish-English conversation.
christina pazsitzky
And they eat tacos.
tom segura
Yeah, they're like making...
christina pazsitzky
They go to the bank.
joe rogan
So they're like, just in case some white people really love Mexicans, we'll throw a few English words in here.
tom segura
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Play Kate, you fucking apes.
tom segura
Totally.
joe rogan
Silly white people.
This is not for you.
tom segura
This is really supposed to be effective to the person who's Latino, who's like, I don't trust banks, and they're like, this bank's pretty cool.
joe rogan
So it's just for a bank?
tom segura
Yeah, it's a major bank, you know.
joe rogan
So why is the bank giving you money?
tom segura
What?
joe rogan
The bank's giving you a check in the commercial?
tom segura
No, the girls come home from her first, she's got her first paycheck.
joe rogan
Right.
tom segura
And so she's just like, I got my first paycheck.
joe rogan
Oh, so she wants to put it in that bank.
tom segura
Right.
joe rogan
Because it's the smart one.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's the one that's going to take care of your money.
unidentified
Right, man.
tom segura
I say, yeah.
joe rogan
Come on, take care of your shit, yo.
christina pazsitzky
Put your shit in the bank.
joe rogan
Come on, don't be sued.
tom segura
You got to save your money.
unidentified
Don't be a fool.
joe rogan
Don't be a fool.
christina pazsitzky
Hey, man, what's calculus?
joe rogan
Yeah, you ever go to a neighborhood where all the signs are a different language?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, we lived in one.
tom segura
We've lived in a couple.
joe rogan
Where'd you live?
christina pazsitzky
K-Town.
tom segura
K-Town, and then we lived in basically Little El Salvador, which is just adjacent.
joe rogan
You guys were in the hood for a while, huh?
tom segura
MacArthur Park.
christina pazsitzky
Bang, bang.
We were in a real shithole when we got married.
We were so broke when we got married.
joe rogan
You heard bang bangs?
christina pazsitzky
Tommy, tell Jill your famous bang bang, what you were doing at the time story.
tom segura
The worst bang bang one was like two in the afternoon.
I'm sitting on our living room couch, which is basically, you could just look right into MacArthur Park.
I'm sitting on the couch, pants down, jerking off to porn on my laptop, and I just hear, like, cop!
Boom!
And I just, like, fucking jump on the ground.
Like, I jump on the ground, full boner, like, am I in trouble?
Like, it's so terrifying to be in that thought process and hear that loud.
And I just, I pull my pants up, and the first thing I do, you're not home, so I call our Jose, our, whatever, he doesn't fucking listen to the show.
unidentified
Jose is the building, you know, manager.
christina pazsitzky
It doesn't work anymore now.
tom segura
So I call him.
And he's like, what's up?
And I go, dude, what the fuck was that?
And he goes, what was what?
And I go, you didn't hear that shit?
And he goes, no.
I go, it sounded like it was on my fucking, like, back, like on my balcony.
No, I'm in the garage, man.
And I was like, all right.
And I'm like, this is unbelievable.
And then two minutes go by.
My phone rings.
And he's like, hey, yeah, man.
I just talked to somebody.
Somebody just got shot on the street out in front.
That's what you heard.
And then they shut down.
Every fucking possible entrance to our street.
And what happened was a guy went up to another guy, two in the afternoon, broad daylight, and put a.45, right?
Like, pulled it out, shot him in the chest.
joe rogan
Random?
tom segura
It was a gang thing.
And then...
Didn't even run.
He just waited there.
joe rogan
Waited?
tom segura
Waited for the cops.
joe rogan
To get arrested?
tom segura
I guess, yeah.
There was a lot, a lot of gang shit in that neighborhood.
joe rogan
Why did they wait?
Did they want to go back to jail?
tom segura
I don't know.
That part wasn't explained to me.
But the shooting was...
Like, you know, the whole thing was that he just, I think it was a marked guy.
Like, he had done something and they were like, this is a retaliation.
joe rogan
Ooh, living in a gang neighborhood is not cool.
tom segura
No.
christina pazsitzky
What was neat, though, is that LAPD installed these, like, sound devices where they'd put them up on the light post or somewhere and they could actually track exactly where the bullet was shot from within a five-mile radius.
So, like, that was kind of cool.
joe rogan
Five-mile radius?
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I think it's that.
joe rogan
That seems pretty big.
tom segura
That's huge.
christina pazsitzky
Well, I'm telling you.
Yeah, look it up.
I may be off on the...
Anyway, they could detect exactly where the bullet was coming from, apparently.
tom segura
One of our last nights was a celebratory night where we were on the roof.
christina pazsitzky
Holy shit, man.
tom segura
It was a couple days after...
LAPD had...
There was a drunk guy on 6th Street who was wielding a knife, and they lit him up.
Salvadorian guy.
Yeah, they shot him like fucking...
I forget, it was like 13 or 22 times...
Like something crazy for this drunk guy with a knife.
So they, El Salvadorian neighborhood, marched towards the Rampart Division...
Police headquarters.
And it was bananas.
So we're standing on the roof of our building and no shit, there's like 20 police helicopters.
Like usually there was one or two a night, every night.
But like when you see 20, you're like, this is martial law.
Like it was, that neighborhood that night was unlike anything I've ever seen.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Wow.
christina pazsitzky
Well, they shot him for no reason.
tom segura
No, they didn't shoot him for no reason.
christina pazsitzky
He had a knife, but he was drunk.
tom segura
I know.
christina pazsitzky
He was like...
joe rogan
What are you supposed to do?
Give him a book?
christina pazsitzky
Give him a book.
Teach him how to act right.
joe rogan
Show him how to wash his ass with his hand.
tom segura
No, it was...
It's crazy.
I mean, the whole thing was that it's obviously excessive force, but...
joe rogan
They're just happy to use their guns.
tom segura
Yeah, they're excited.
joe rogan
There's a reason to do it.
Some asshole's got a knife.
Let's light this dude up.
tom segura
Let's just light him up.
christina pazsitzky
He's got a family.
brian redban
Two miles.
christina pazsitzky
Two miles, all right.
joe rogan
Two miles?
christina pazsitzky
Three miles off.
joe rogan
Powerful Brian.
tom segura
Doing some research.
unidentified
Powerful.
tom segura
Pretty big, man.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's not good.
Brian Callen was on his street and his neighbor couldn't drive his car.
Couldn't figure out why his car couldn't start.
So he got his car towed and they found a bullet in the engine block.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
There was a shootout on the street and a stray bullet slammed into his engine.
tom segura
Jesus.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's when Brian was like, okie dokie, time to move.
Yeah.
And then a park where he used to take his daughter to play.
A guy shot a guy there.
unidentified
Cool.
joe rogan
I'm like, okay, fuck Venice.
christina pazsitzky
Great.
joe rogan
Venice is great, though.
That's what sucks about Venice.
It has all of that, but it's also great.
Cool restaurants and cool little art places.
It's a funky...
I saw a poetry slam there once.
Not that great.
christina pazsitzky
I'm sorry.
It's the worst.
tom segura
Have you been to the tasting kitchen there?
In Venice?
joe rogan
No, I don't know what that is.
tom segura
A restaurant.
joe rogan
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I've never been there.
christina pazsitzky
Wait, let's play this.
joe rogan
Poetry slams.
christina pazsitzky
What do you like less?
Poetry slams or musicals?
joe rogan
Poetry slams.
christina pazsitzky
Okay.
joe rogan
Because at least musicals, somebody likes them.
christina pazsitzky
Right.
joe rogan
You're pretending.
You remember when they have deaf poetry jam?
Yes!
christina pazsitzky
Yes!
joe rogan
I stand, white man, in front of you, unconquered, on top of the universe.
Is my soul eternal?
Shall I reach a point, a pinnacle, in my existence here, in your white-dominated world?
unidentified
Can I, will I, do I, shall I? That shit suck, man!
tom segura
That's what that should have.
joe rogan
There was a time with men like me who did not have access to books or knowledge, but now I thrive.
unidentified
Yeah!
tom segura
There should be, in Deaf Poetry Slam, there should be a black guy in the fucking rafters with a mic who just gets to, after everyone goes, your shit was whack too, man!
Like, just shits on everybody.
joe rogan
You know what's way worse than black guys in Deaf Poetry Jams?
tom segura
White guys?
joe rogan
White guys in Deaf Poetry Jams.
White guys trying to be black doing that?
tom segura
Yes.
christina pazsitzky
Rough.
joe rogan
Here's the problem with those things.
The art form itself is incredibly unsatisfying.
All you're doing is saying things and you're trying to be profound.
The only time anybody ever wants to hear anything really profound like that is from someone who is an accomplished person.
Right.
Russell Simmons went up and gave a poetry slam about succeeding in business.
Right.
Then you would want to see, like, starting your own business.
unidentified
You're like, well, that's fucking awesome.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's Russell Simmons, and it's got some poignancy to it.
But when you're some self-indulgent fucking dickwad, and you're just talking nonsense and strings.
tom segura
They were just so bad, too.
christina pazsitzky
Adolescent shit.
tom segura
And we already told you, you're good at sports.
Just keep playing sports.
joe rogan
What about the white people that are doing it?
christina pazsitzky
Run faster.
tom segura
Here's a white guy.
It's George Watsky.
joe rogan
Don't be mean to George.
christina pazsitzky
Poor George.
We're about to crucify him right now.
Oh Christ.
That's embarrassing.
unidentified
So this is for those among us who got enough play through 12th grade to carry in an upside-down teaspoon.
For every kid with the collective romantic prowess of Steve Urkel, Richard Simmons, and Screech from Saved by the Bell, this is the anthem For those among us who got none in our formative years.
And this poem is for every high school virgin who wouldn't have had it any other way.
You don't know the possibilities of a weekend until you've cracked a four-pack of juice squeeze with your boys, bumped B.I.G.'s Big Papa, and watched an entire Star Trek The Next Generation marathon.
For me, virgin was working, and I can see why Trekkie's greedy.
joe rogan
Please stop this.
brian redban
I know, right?
joe rogan
I feel for that boy.
tom segura
You know what I would tell that boy?
joe rogan
First, there's a bunch of things you gotta tell him.
First of all, your breathing heavy has to stop.
christina pazsitzky
The deliveries, yeah.
brian redban
The Quentin Tarantino vibe should have stopped too.
christina pazsitzky
And he's definitely not gonna get laid after this.
joe rogan
This thing that they do where they're in front of black people, they act black.
tom segura
Yeah, there's black diction.
joe rogan
Change the way he talks.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, yes.
joe rogan
Change the way he talks.
And it wasn't this.
It wasn't full bore, but it was pretty obvious.
christina pazsitzky
Oprah does that, too.
tom segura
She should have just thrown in a few more, you know what I'm saying.
Super funny.
christina pazsitzky
You know what I'm saying?
That would be so great.
tom segura
Then four juice boxes.
You know what I'm saying?
brian redban
You know what I'm saying?
unidentified
But that thing that they do when I'm going to tell you, there's a way I've got to breathe.
joe rogan
Then that death slam stupid fucking breathing thing in between your overly contrived delivery.
tom segura
It's so contrived.
christina pazsitzky
I'll find one where it's a girl talking about an ex-boyfriend.
I like those.
Pap!
unidentified
Bow!
christina pazsitzky
My heart is broken on the floor!
No more.
joe rogan
Don't put another one on.
I can't take it.
unidentified
It's horrible.
brian redban
I know.
joe rogan
It's an awful art form.
christina pazsitzky
It is.
brian redban
We should just stop talking about something else.
joe rogan
Because it's like stand-up with no punchlines delivered by a guy who sucks at stand-up.
tom segura
Right.
joe rogan
That's what it's like.
tom segura
I'm so excited for the amount of hate we will collectively receive for this age.
joe rogan
It's going to be brutal.
tom segura
Deaf poetry slam.
brian redban
Do you have any poems, Jeff?
Do you have any old poems that you wrote?
joe rogan
No.
unidentified
How dare you rip on a deaf poetry slam?
joe rogan
The streets would all be cleaner.
I forget how it worked.
If I only had a gun.
I wrote something.
christina pazsitzky
That's a good one.
joe rogan
It was really terrible.
tom segura
I just think they're misguided, those people.
joe rogan
16 when I wrote it.
christina pazsitzky
Which ones?
tom segura
The people doing that, I feel like you should tell them, you know what?
You want to perform, and that's cool.
This thing that you're doing, the whole thing sucks.
unidentified
So...
tom segura
Just get into a different art form.
You chose the shitty thing.
joe rogan
You know what it's like?
It's like racing unicycles.
brian redban
Right.
joe rogan
Unicycles are fucking stupid.
tom segura
This is lame.
joe rogan
And racing them is even dumber.
Because they don't work right.
They're terrible.
tom segura
Get on a bike.
joe rogan
The only reason anybody rides a unicycle is because they're a fucking attention whore.
Look at me!
unidentified
The wheel's this big and there's only one of them, dude.
joe rogan
With a parrot on.
That guy we saw the other day?
Yeah.
tom segura
The parrots.
christina pazsitzky
The exotic animal guy?
tom segura
Yeah, just fucking walking around.
Sweatshorts and a 6X shirt.
joe rogan
We talked about this guy for five minutes.
We looked at him out the window and we couldn't stop.
Because we were inside a car so we could abuse him without him hearing it.
christina pazsitzky
Of course.
joe rogan
We just shat upon him for at least five minutes.
tom segura
On his lonely stroll that you know he does just for people to go, that guy's got a fucking bird!
brian redban
Snake people are like that.
christina pazsitzky
Snake people do that, yeah.
joe rogan
How about people with ferrets?
unidentified
Oh, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
My ferret's on a leash.
tom segura
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
You remember that guy in Miami who had the big lizard on his shoulder?
tom segura
Of course, same thing.
christina pazsitzky
But now that guy was smart because he was like, oh, you like this lizard?
It's $20 to take a picture with it.
tom segura
Right, of course.
christina pazsitzky
That's a good racket.
joe rogan
$20 to take a picture with it?
unidentified
Right.
tom segura
He hoses...
But see, he picked South Beach.
He picked a place where there's all these tourists and they're like, This is some shit you would never see anywhere.
This is a guy.
joe rogan
We came from Wisconsin.
We saw a guy.
You're not going to believe this.
With a lizard on his shoulder.
Might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen.
tom segura
We couldn't believe it.
joe rogan
You should have came with us.
tom segura
He walked around like it was a dog.
unidentified
He didn't care.
christina pazsitzky
A lizard on your shoulder.
joe rogan
White people.
christina pazsitzky
Walking down the street.
joe rogan
Silly white people.
It does the kind of white people that you would target if you wanted to start a cult, too.
tom segura
Exactly.
joe rogan
The type of white people, bring it all back to Scientology.
unidentified
Yes.
joe rogan
Those people, if you gave them a Dianetics book and started getting their email address and sending them some shit, send them some pamphlets.
Yeah.
christina pazsitzky
White people.
joe rogan
Clearwater, Florida.
You ever go down there?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
That's a Scientology stronghold.
My folks used to live there.
They used to live in Clearwater.
tom segura
That's headquarters.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's world headquarters.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the spot where they all decided.
It's the perfect level of intelligence, like the average.
It's way higher there of people that you can trick.
unidentified
Mm.
joe rogan
You know, I'm sure there's very smart people in Clearwater, Florida, but there's also a lot of, like, serious dummies.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
You can get them.
christina pazsitzky
That's where the charlatans go, right?
joe rogan
You can get them.
It's near Tampa, which has a lot of, we talked about that, a lot of swingers.
tom segura
Oh, yeah.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, my God, yeah.
There was a club in Ocala that no longer exists that was run by swingers.
joe rogan
A lot of swingers.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
That part of Florida.
Hey, what the hell?
Come on, want to watch my wife and me fuck?
unidentified
Yeah.
tom segura
No.
I'll pass.
joe rogan
I was with Ari once, and we had a guy who drove us in Nashville, and he seemed like the most straight-laced guy until the last day.
And the last day, as he's driving us to the airport, he starts talking about swinging.
He starts talking about the rules.
He goes, next time you come here, I'll take you to the swinging club.
And Ari and I were like...
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
What are you talking about?
And so then he starts telling us about the rules that they have.
Like, well, you know, we have rules.
If I'm not comfortable about it, she doesn't go with the guy.
And, you know, if she's not comfortable about it, I don't go with the girl.
Sometimes we watch each other, but most of the time I don't like watching.
tom segura
Yeah, man.
christina pazsitzky
That's a lot.
brian redban
Would you ever share Christina with a...
christina pazsitzky
Oh, we already do.
unidentified
Oh, yeah?
brian redban
Cockholding?
christina pazsitzky
Oh, yeah, yeah.
unidentified
Cockhold.
brian redban
Cockholding.
christina pazsitzky
Tom loves it.
unidentified
Cockholding.
christina pazsitzky
Cockholding.
joe rogan
Where's that word?
Where's that originate from?
unidentified
I don't know.
christina pazsitzky
Shakespeare, yeah?
joe rogan
Is it?
christina pazsitzky
I'm sure.
It sounds like an old-timey English word.
joe rogan
It does sound old-timey, but I don't know if it is.
christina pazsitzky
I bet you like codpiece and cuckolding is Shakespeare.
joe rogan
Cuckold in the Wikipedia.
Okay.
Historically, it's historical.
Historically referred to a husband with an adulterous wife and still often used with this meaning.
In evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offsprings that are not genetically their own.
Wow, that's deep.
So if you're a stepfather, you're a cuckold.
Since the 1990s, the term has been wildly used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else.
So for some men, they get their rocks off that way, but the original description of it...
I guess it could be a verb as well, right?
Cuckolding?
Sure.
tom segura
Would you ever do that?
joe rogan
Never.
Okay, first appeared in 1250. Look at this.
1250. 1250 in a satirical and polemical poem, The Owl and the Nightingale.
Wow.
unidentified
There you go.
joe rogan
The term was clearly regarded as an embarrassingly direct...
As embarrassingly direct as evidence in John Lydgate's The Fall of the Princess in 1440, the late 14th century, the term also appeared in Geoffrey Clawchacher's Miller's Tale.
That's interesting.
Shakespeare's poetry often referenced cuckolds.
christina pazsitzky
Ding, ding, ding.
joe rogan
You nailed it.
christina pazsitzky
Winner, winner.
unidentified
You're smart, Saul.
joe rogan
Why are you married to him?
unidentified
Thank you.
joe rogan
Is that how you guys get along, because you're so smart?
unidentified
Give me my reward.
tom segura
Is that what we get along?
unidentified
You're smart.
christina pazsitzky
It's her boobs.
tom segura
When I speak, do you just hear like...
christina pazsitzky
Like chimp squeaks, yeah.
joe rogan
Wow, there's other words for it.
There's cuckold in Bulgarian.
In Bulgarian, it doesn't even have English words or letters, so I don't know what the fuck.
How do you say this?
P-O-R-C-H-O-C-H-E and the number four.
You know, it's like a lowercase four.
unidentified
It says, literally, one who wears horns.
joe rogan
One who wears horns and the act of being unfaithful is called C, the number five, A-R. Karnirpora, literally to attach horns.
Vietnamese is...
unidentified
It's all horn.
joe rogan
It's all the word horn.
What's that?
tom segura
Massage?
joe rogan
Which area?
christina pazsitzky
You're too strong.
joe rogan
They have in Greek.
It's a totally different language.
It's impossible.
K, number three, backwards.
P-A-T-A, letter that doesn't exist, meaning the horned one.
Yeah.
Wow.
What is that?
What is that fucking fetish guys would want?
christina pazsitzky
To be shamed, I'm assuming.
joe rogan
I have a friend.
christina pazsitzky
To, like, shame.
joe rogan
Who went to a party and a man made his wife blow him.
The man watched and was giving instruction on how to blow him.
unidentified
Wow.
tom segura
Your friend was the one who did this?
joe rogan
My friend was sitting outside on a porch at a party and this woman was blowing him while the husband was sitting next to the woman giving directions.
tom segura
Wow.
joe rogan
That's so crazy.
Yeah, I was like, whoa, dude.
christina pazsitzky
That's so intense because I feel as though that might violate some trust with my...
You think?
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
christina pazsitzky
I love you.
I don't want you to do that with me.
joe rogan
Well, I don't think it's just that.
I mean, it was weird for my friend, who was a single guy, to get head from some guy's wife while the guy is saying, rub his balls, rub his balls.
christina pazsitzky
Oh, my life!
joe rogan
He's giving him direction, like, cradle his balls, cradle his balls, work the shaft, work the shaft.
Is he gonna come?
Is he gonna come?
Take it in your mouth.
unidentified
Take it in your mouth.
Oh my god.
joe rogan
Like the whole deal.
tom segura
Yeah, there's freaks, man.
joe rogan
Come in your mouth.
Come in your mouth.
And my friend was like, oh my god, what?
He goes, it started out like ridiculous.
And he goes, but then like when the guy was like giving instruction, he goes, it just got really gay and weird.
It was all so off.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
The guy was liking it.
tom segura
Of course.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the whole payoff, right?
tom segura
That's the payoff for him.
That's why he does it.
joe rogan
He likes his wife sucking a cock.
tom segura
Wow.
joe rogan
Right in front of him.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
Well, I guess it's like that forbidden thing.
It's like we were talking about at the beginning about porn.
The gagging and two dicks in the ass.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's forbidden.
christina pazsitzky
Right, the taboo.
joe rogan
You would never teach your wife how to suck a cock in front of you, would you?
unidentified
Yeah, I would.
I'm going to fucking tell her she's going to suck a cock, and I'm going to tell her what to do.
tom segura
Yeah.
joe rogan
I'm going to tell this bitch what to do.
unidentified
You suck that cock.
Look at that.
joe rogan
Roll those balls.
Oh, roll those balls, dirty bitch.
christina pazsitzky
I would laugh so hard at you.
joe rogan
Could you imagine?
christina pazsitzky
I wouldn't be able to do it.
unidentified
I'm like, oh yeah?
joe rogan
Could you just imagine what the fuck that would be like?
unidentified
No.
christina pazsitzky
No.
joe rogan
Jesus.
christina pazsitzky
No!
No!
joe rogan
But there's people like way crazier shit.
christina pazsitzky
There's a super bond between husband and wife.
I cannot.
joe rogan
Not with this cuckold group.
tom segura
Not with the cuckolds.
christina pazsitzky
Or swingers.
unidentified
No.
tom segura
You know, you've seen, because I'm sure you've been, like, I've had couples that are always never attractive come up to you and they're like, what's up?
Like, we're going to go out and have a good time.
Do you want to join us?
And you feel that, like, you know, that invitation from them, like...
Come out with us.
It'll be a great time.
We're going to hit this crazy club.
Check out my wife's tits.
They're putting it out there.
You can come party with us.
christina pazsitzky
Weird shit.
We've been together now for almost eight years.
The thought of being naked with somebody different is so crazy to me.
joe rogan
You haven't seen Brian naked.
brian redban
Yes, yes, yes.
tom segura
You don't want that?
christina pazsitzky
Imagine that.
joe rogan
How dare you?
How dare you?
Turn your back on that.
Wonderful opportunity.
christina pazsitzky
Hey Joe, can I ask you a would you rather?
We came up with a new one in the car.
This one's just for you, okay?
Would you rather for an entire year, all you can eat is hot dogs from 7-Eleven and Gatorade?
That's one option.
Wait, and you can't Oh, and you cannot exercise, but you must eat hot dogs and Gatorade.
Or the other option...
No, or you can't exercise.
That's it.
tom segura
Right.
christina pazsitzky
So either you're not allowed to exercise, but you can eat what you want, or the other one is eating hot dogs and Gatorade, but you can still exercise.
joe rogan
Hmm.
That's a good question.
christina pazsitzky
Thank you.
tom segura
So, here's the thing you have to consider, right?
joe rogan
I think I would have to go with the no exercise.
tom segura
No exercise and eat whatever you want.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would eat healthy, not exercise.
But I would do things that would be like exercise.
I'd be like, well, I'm going to just work in a fucking sandbag yard now.
tom segura
Oh, right.
joe rogan
I would say, hey, man, can I work here for four hours a week?
And then four days a week, I would come in for an hour and just work for like 10 bucks an hour throwing sandbags around.
I would just do it really gangster.
christina pazsitzky
Okay, let's revise this.
What if you're just, you can't do that.
joe rogan
That's what I would do, though.
I would be too smart for you.
I would just take a job.
I would take a hard labor job.
christina pazsitzky
You have to lay in bed.
tom segura
But you could do all the exercise that you want with your hot dogs and Gatorade every day.
Every meal is hot dogs and Gatorade.
joe rogan
You need more.
Your body would break down.
unidentified
How shitty?
joe rogan
Yeah, your body would break down.
You would have a real issue.
If you were just eating hot dogs and Gatorade and trying to exercise, you wouldn't have the nutrients to sustain any sort of strenuous exercise.
tom segura
Can someone please make an exercise video of just hot dogs and Gatorade?
joe rogan
Do you know why we- You'd probably die of scurvy.
tom segura
We did because one of our friends stayed at our house one time for like three days and he ate just hot dogs and catering.
joe rogan
Listen man, ever since I cut gluten out of my diet, I miss pasta, but they have great gluten-free pasta.
You know what I really fucking miss?
A hot dog with a bun, a steamy bun with some mustard and sauerkraut.
I miss that gummy, shitty bun.
So good.
I miss Italian bread too.
Bratwurst you can still eat.
I eat bratwurst, I just don't eat the bun.
But hot dogs, I miss that.
christina pazsitzky
Explain this to me.
What is this gluten-free?
So that means what component?
joe rogan
I don't eat any bread.
I don't eat pasta.
I don't eat anything that has flour in it.
I've been doing it for about four months.
Maybe five months.
What I've noticed right away when I first started doing it is how...
When I have meals after meals, I'm not tired anymore.
Like, I used to get tired.
I would eat a meal and be like, oh!
I would hit that fucking lawn dart of just, like, exhaustion.
Now I can eat a giant steak and I never get there.
I never get there.
I can eat potatoes and I never get there.
There's something about gluten, about eating pasta, never did anything bad to me.
Like, I don't have celiac disease.
It was not something that made me fat.
But when I quit eating pasta and bread, I definitely lost body fat.
Like, quickly.
I noticed it on my face.
Like, my face was, like, less puffy.
My ring started to fit in my finger different.
And I weigh almost the same.
Like, I'm like...
Maybe I lost a few pounds, like three or four pounds or something like that.
But...
It seems like whatever the puffiness was, it's like my puffiness number went down.
Because I was eating pasta and bread every meal.
I love it!
brian redban
Is there gluten-free bread?
joe rogan
Yes.
It's terrible.
It's like fucking cardboard.
Actually, Udi's has some pretty decent gluten-free bread.
But it's just simply not as good as gluten bread.
It's just not.
Because regular bread, you know how you take a regular bread and you mush it and turn it into a ball?
And that ball becomes like...
brian redban
It's paste!
joe rogan
It's like eating gum.
christina pazsitzky
And there's no nutritional value in that bread.
unidentified
No.
christina pazsitzky
That's the problem.
unidentified
Nothing.
christina pazsitzky
It's just sugar.
Doesn't it convert to sugar in your body or something?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It tastes awesome.
Your body doesn't want it at all.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Your body doesn't like it.
Your body doesn't perform as good.
When I quit it, my endurance went up.
My body started feeling better.
My back started feeling better.
That's the advice that I got from a physical therapist.
She told me that she has great results in people with back injuries telling them to quit gluten.
That the decreased inflammation of gluten actually decreases the size of their bulging discs.
I was like, that is fucking nuts.
She's like, well, it makes sense because, like, knee injuries, like, a lot of times, like, the swelling and the inflammation of knee injuries, you can reduce that as well.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I can see that.
joe rogan
Fucking gluten!
christina pazsitzky
Don't they tell you just eat fruits and vegetables and meats anyways, like keep it living that way?
joe rogan
Yeah, you shouldn't even eat that much fruit.
You should limit the amount of fruit unless, except like after working out is good or while you're working out, in the middle of doing things where you're burning off a lot of calories, fruit's good.
But you should definitely limit the amount of juice you drink.
Because when you drink fruit juice, it's like straight sugar.
christina pazsitzky
Yes, I agree.
joe rogan
It doesn't have fiber in it.
You know, when you eat an apple, you're getting fiber.
You eat an orange, you're getting fiber, and you're getting sweets.
tom segura
That's why you should just drink Gatorade, like, all day.
christina pazsitzky
Gatorade hot dogs.
joe rogan
Well, what would you guys do?
Would you take the no exercise?
Or would you take Gatorade and hot dogs?
christina pazsitzky
I can't, because I'm very particular with eating.
I actually do watch what I eat.
I couldn't eat anything.
Because you feel like shit when you eat hot dogs and Gatorade.
You feel awful.
joe rogan
It's not good.
christina pazsitzky
No.
And you can get by without exercising if you watch your diet properly.
joe rogan
Yeah, I think so.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, I can't.
I can't eat like shit.
joe rogan
You could definitely get away with being okay.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah, not fantastic, but at least you can keep your weight down somewhat.
I just, I don't know, the older I get, the harder it is to eat like shit.
I can't even do it now.
joe rogan
Well, plus, I enjoy eating.
That's another part of the problem.
I like good food.
I like food that tastes good.
Hot dogs and fucking, it would drive me nuts after a while.
unidentified
It would make you crazy.
joe rogan
Alright, this podcast is basically over.
I want you guys to subscribe to Your Mom's House.
It's on iTunes.
It's fucking hilarious.
It's Tom and Christina's podcast.
And they can find you guys online.
Do you guys have a podcast website?
unidentified
Yourmomshousepodcast.com TomSeguro.com.
tom segura
TomSeguro.com.
christina pazsitzky
ChristinaComedy.com.
joe rogan
You don't know Bozitski, huh?
You don't trust people.
christina pazsitzky
Negative.
joe rogan
You're too fucking stupid.
christina pazsitzky
Yeah.
joe rogan
And upcoming dates.
You guys got any upcoming dates?
unidentified
Yes.
tom segura
Big one.
November 1st and 2nd, I'm running my hour in LA at Flappers in Burbank.
And you can go to my site and get it.
TomSeguro.com.
My special is November 9th in Minneapolis.
You can get free tickets.
At TomSegura.com.
joe rogan
Damn!
unidentified
Free!
tom segura
Christine and I are doing Your Mom's House live November 22nd at the Ice House and December 5th in San Diego at the American Comedy Company.
joe rogan
Good, googly, moogly.
christina pazsitzky
I'm in San Diego this weekend at the Madhouse Comedy Club October 25th through 27th and then in Hartford at the Funny Bone November 14th through 17th.
joe rogan
Boom.
Sweet Jesus.
This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.
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That's squarespace.com, the number JOE10. We're also brought to you by stamps.com for your super awesome, extra sweet deal.
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We'll be back tomorrow with the one and only Eddie Bravo to break down this past weekend's UFC that Tommy Bunz was ringside for.
tom segura
Unbelievable.
Tune in for that shit.
Those fights were incredible.
joe rogan
It's the greatest night of fights in the history of the world.
tom segura
Incredible.
Diego Sanchez fight was...
joe rogan
Incredible.
tom segura
Incredible.
And the main event, Dos Santos Velasquez was just...
joe rogan
Yeah.
tom segura
Mind-blowing.
joe rogan
Crazy shit.
Alright, we love you guys, and we'll see you tomorrow.
Big kiss.
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