Oct. 4, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:54
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I feel like if we were allowed to use music, we're not totally, but if we would, I would go with The Doors, Riders on the Storm right now. | ||
| Riders on the Storm. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Riders on the Storm. | ||
| I don't think you can even sing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Okay, I'll stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| They're all dead. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They're not all dead. | ||
| I think there's one still floating around out there. | ||
| The big guy dropped off at 27. This episode, this 400th episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by LegalZoom.com. | ||
| If you have anything that you need to get done a legal style, like whether you want to incorporate and become an LLC... Which is a limited legal corporation or some shit. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that actually stands for. | ||
| If you want to get a will, if you want to even get divorced, bam, you can get divorced on LegalZoom.com. | ||
| Essentially what it does is it sets up a structure so that you can do things, things like incorporating yourself or working on copyrights or trademarks, and do it legally without the use of an attorney. | ||
| They also will provide you with a contact for an independent attorney if you need additional guidance. | ||
| So if you feel like you're entering into this, you're like, maybe I can do this. | ||
| And then halfway through, you're like, shit! | ||
| They'll help you out. | ||
| So it's not scary. | ||
| But you're going to be able to do it. | ||
| You know how I know you're going to be able to do it? | ||
| Brian did it. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I want you to think about that. | ||
| I did a drunk at four in the morning. | ||
| I don't even remember doing it. | ||
| That's not to say that Brian might not be going to jail next week for that very same series of clicks. | ||
| He shouldn't be responsible. | ||
| He was drinking. | ||
| You should be able to sue the alcohol companies for that. | ||
| Whichever ones were responsible. | ||
| Legal Zoom should have a breathalyzer. | ||
| LegalZoom is not a law firm. | ||
| What they do is they provide self-help services at your specific direction. | ||
| It's pretty simple stuff, though. | ||
| It's very clear to follow, and it can save you a lot of money. | ||
| And it can also save you a lot of time. | ||
| And you can do it in your fucking house. | ||
| You don't have to go somewhere. | ||
| You can do it naked. | ||
| Nobody can stop you. | ||
| Nobody can stop you, Joe Diaz. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Do you understand this? | ||
| So, if you have an idea for a business that you haven't done anything about, you can incorporate that shit online. | ||
| The online process couldn't be easier. | ||
| Go to LegalZoom.com. | ||
| If you enter the code name ROGAN, you'll save yourself some cash. | ||
| Alright, you fucks? | ||
| We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. | ||
| Stamps.com is the official delivery system for the deskwad.tv t-shirts. | ||
| So if you see those t-shirts that Brian has made and designed, all of those bitches get delivered through Stamps.com. | ||
| So we know this is a real, legit product. | ||
| And what Stamps.com does... | ||
| I should say that clearly. | ||
| Stamps.com does. | ||
| What they do is they allow you, if you're selling shit from your house, they allow you to do all the weighing and packaging at home. | ||
| Then you can print up your own actual postal information. | ||
| Joey Diaz, you're talking in the background like I hear you. | ||
| What are you guys arguing over? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Duncan, are you distracting him in the middle of the fucking all-important commercials? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I don't mean to get in the way of capitalism. | ||
| You're so non-corporate, man. | ||
| You can't even help yourself. | ||
| You do it almost against your own will. | ||
| Fight the power, man! | ||
| There's a government shutdown going on right now, Joe. | ||
| It's not time to advertise. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Stamps.com is a great way to send out kitty cat t-shirts. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| You don't have to go to the post office and weigh everything out. | ||
| You do it at home. | ||
| They provide you with a scale. | ||
| If you enter in the code word JRE, they give you a sweet offer. | ||
| No risk trial. | ||
| $110 bonus offer. | ||
| Includes a digital scale enough to $55 free postage. | ||
| So go and check it out. | ||
| Use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer. | ||
| We know it works because Brian uses it so much better than going to the post office and having to weigh all your shit out and talk to people that don't want to talk to you. | ||
| So Stamps.com. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I say you have to use the code word JRE? Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Code word JRA for stamps.com. | ||
| Yeah, you're right, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, what the fuck? | |
| If I want to use these things, why don't you have the same code word? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| We've thought about this a million times before. | ||
| However, it's probably never going to happen, so deal with it. | ||
| It's very weird that it's not, though. | ||
| It all should be the code word Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, why mix it up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People get silly. | ||
| I don't understand people, Brian. | ||
| I try. | ||
| I don't understand myself, though. | ||
| So what the fuck? | ||
| Anyway, Stamps.com, code words J-R-E. We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. You will save 10% off any and all supplements, including Alpha Brain, which Joey Diaz is on right now. | ||
| He's jacked up on Alpha Brain. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Smell it in the air. | ||
| Can I have some brains? | ||
| Can I have some brains? | ||
| You do get jacked on that shit. | ||
| I gotta charge up. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Running out of them. | ||
| Especially when you mix it with a sativa or an edible. | ||
| It takes you to a different fucking level of jack. | ||
| I go through those things like crackers. | ||
| I can't keep a bottle in the house. | ||
| It's gone in two days. | ||
| And I feel bad calling the kid, but... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't feel bad. | ||
| We love you using it. | ||
| We love it. | ||
| I feel fucking bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I got the daily packages left, though. | ||
| Those are delicious, too, so... | ||
| For all the people that call bullshit on anything like AlphaBrain, just try it. | ||
| The way we have it set up is so easy. | ||
| Or don't try it. | ||
| That's cool, too. | ||
| But if you want to try it, there's a 90-day, 30-pill money-back guarantee. | ||
| When you buy one of these bottles, one of these bottles of 30 pills, all you have to do is say, this stuff sucks, and you get your money back. | ||
| You don't have to return the product. | ||
| No one's selling you anything that's bogus. | ||
| All we're trying to sell you is the best supplements that we can find that we can sell. | ||
| Whether it's the best protein power or the best strength and conditioning equipment, it's all we're interested in doing. | ||
| I want the stuff that I use. | ||
| I'm a big proponent of kettlebells and all this other shit like battle ropes and club bells. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| I use them all. | ||
| Shroom tech. | ||
| I'm hooked on it. | ||
| Addicted by peanut butter. | ||
| I love shroom tech. | ||
| Shroom Tech is a cordyceps mushroom supplement that gives you more endurance. | ||
| It gives you more juice. | ||
| It's what the Chinese Olympic team used. | ||
| They found out about it when China started kicking ass in the Olympics and track and field. | ||
| They were like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| They found out they were taking this cordyceps mushroom and adding it to their training. | ||
| Yeah, that was when it was first discovered. | ||
| When are you supposed to take it? | ||
| Like, before you work out? | ||
| Yeah, take like an hour before you work out. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| And like I said, we've got a full array of everything. | ||
| From health and fitness supplements to strength and conditioning equipment. | ||
| We even sell, like, blenders. | ||
| We just sell, like, when I used to make kale shakes and smoothies, one of those Blendtec blenders, you could stick an iPhone in it. | ||
| We're like, fuck it, we'll sell it. | ||
| We should sell it. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| Go to honor.com, use the code WORDROGAN, and save yourself 10%. | ||
| Alright, folks, this is the 400th one. | ||
| This is a big one. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| This is a goddamn milestone. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, Brian Redman. | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
400. Even I love Lucy and got 400 fucking episodes. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| I love Lucy. | ||
| How many episodes of I Love Lucy? | ||
| You can sit there for fucking two years and not watch I Love... | ||
| He has a kid, they go to Panama, they meet Superman, he puts the fingerprint... | ||
| How many fucking I Love Lucy's? | ||
| Real quick, not to throw you off. | ||
| How? | ||
| I only take three shroom texts because one time I took like five dogs and I couldn't control myself. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, when I started doing the shroom tech, I would go to the epileptical and I could only do seven to nine. | ||
| The epileptical? | ||
| I could only do seven to nine minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I would start getting stressed out. | ||
| Now, with the shroom tech, I could do 45 and that's because I get scared. | ||
| I get off. | ||
| I hit the bag before I get on the epileptical now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For 30. So that's how much... | ||
| You know, I've been working on it for fucking five months. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the shroom tech, you're supposed to take them towards body weight, correct? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, and I don't even know how to do the math on that. | ||
| So I just take three of them just to be safe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they're fucking, I'm telling you, man, I like them. | ||
| Yeah, I took five. | ||
| That's the biggest thing. | ||
| You take five. | ||
| I take five of those before I work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| It's just a lot of B12, a lot of B12, and a lot of Cordyceps mushroom. | ||
| And, you know, there's nothing bad for you. | ||
| I've never had a bad experience from taking five. | ||
| I wouldn't advise people to take five. | ||
| I would say cut it off at two. | ||
| I'd take three. | ||
| I'd get gangster with them. | ||
| I found all these football players were getting gangster with it. | ||
| They take like five alpha brains and six room techs, and I was like, these guys are gigantic. | ||
| So I'm like, I'll try five. | ||
| Let's see what five is like. | ||
| But doesn't that follow that same rule that guy told you, like, don't take too much of, you know, like, boner pills or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, well, it's really, I would say yes. | ||
| But it's really, it's all natural. | ||
| It's nothing like radicals happening to your body. | ||
| It's not a stimulant. | ||
| It's not like, I wouldn't worry about it. | ||
| I wouldn't take more than five. | ||
| You know what's going to happen because of this? | ||
| You're going to be watching CNN.com and you're going to hear about some psychopath wandering into D.C. with a shotgun and then pictures of Alpha Brain are going to start flashing up. | ||
| He had 700 bottles in the backseat of his car. | ||
| Please, he would be enlightened. | ||
| He wouldn't be going with a gun. | ||
| He would be going with hugs. | ||
| He'd try to hug him, and they'd shoot him. | ||
| Yeah, that gets you killed faster than guns. | ||
| She was suffering from postpartum, and she was driving around. | ||
| She was on some sort of medication. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Driving around the White House, and she got in a gunfight with the Popo. | ||
| They wound up killing her. | ||
| She had a baby in her car. | ||
| I mean, it's so crazy. | ||
| Every time I see stuff like that, I think, man, I wish you could do that in Grand Theft Auto. | ||
| It's like, you can't drive kids around. | ||
| If you notice that, there's no kids in Grand Theft Auto. | ||
| Not a single kid. | ||
| Why would you want to drive little fake kids around? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I want it to be realistic. | ||
| Drop them off at school, drive them off cliffs. | ||
| You can kill dogs in it, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's where we draw the line. | ||
| You can't have fake killing of babies. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| If you encourage that in any way, shape, or form, and then it somehow becomes a reality, like someone decides to make sport of killing babies because it's a part of a video game, it's going to be a real problem. | ||
| How fucking crazy is this happening now every three weeks, people? | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| This is not even a joke no more. | ||
| It's happening every three weeks. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| It's gonna happen around here. | ||
| At a fucking park. | ||
| At a stupid basketball game. | ||
| At a fucking taco place. | ||
| There's a lot of issues. | ||
| A lot of issues. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking issues. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, you know, is this a setup? | ||
| Is somebody hanging out outside a fucking psychiatrist's office? | ||
| When they see some fucking guy come out, they give him a gun and $20 and say, I mean, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| I don't think that. | ||
| I don't know what to think. | ||
| I think it's natural. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you grow up with kids, it was this natural? | |
| No, I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm saying it's natural when you get this many people that are on, first of all, on drugs. | ||
| You have a massive amount of people in this country that are on all sorts of drugs. | ||
| Whether they need them or not, the reality is the amount of people that are on prescription medication is very high. | ||
| Then you're going to have natural amounts of mental illness. | ||
| When you have a high population, you have higher amounts of mental illness. | ||
| They've shown this in rat population density studies apparently. | ||
| I was listening to this podcast about it. | ||
| I think it was Psychedelic Salon where McKenna was talking. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Might have been Art Bell, either way. | ||
| They were talking about rat population density studies. | ||
| They did the same thing with rats, where they started them small, put like 100 rats in a room together, or 10 rats or whatever, and they just kept ramping it up until they were on top of each other. | ||
| And when they're on top of each other, they started exhibiting the same sort of mental illnesses that you see in people. | ||
| Like they stand in the corner and would just shake and rock back and forth. | ||
| They couldn't handle it. | ||
| You start to see all sorts of weird aberrant behavior. | ||
| And they think it's from the overstimulation. | ||
| Because when you get to a population density like that, it's very difficult for the human body to tolerate. | ||
| It's very difficult for the human body to deal with the sheer numbers of people that you interact with on a daily basis. | ||
| It's almost completely unnatural for us. | ||
| And so the idea is that in these scenarios, most of us can keep it together, but there's going to be a certain amount that have mental illness and coupled with a certain amount of extra stress that our highly populated cities are providing with a certain amount of extra craziness because they're on prescription medication. | ||
| And then just the stress of life, period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Being unemployed. | |
| All that together. | ||
| Being unemployed. | ||
| Financial stuff. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Powder keg. | ||
| But isn't this stuff happening mostly in the United States and other overpopulated countries? | ||
| You don't hear about this. | ||
| These massacres happening. | ||
| You do about some. | ||
| The one in Finland where the guy murdered those kids. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| There was the guy in Finland. | ||
| Was that in Finland or Iceland? | ||
| I think it was Finland. | ||
| The big one was in San Diego when the kid went into McDonald's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember the kids? | ||
| That was the big one. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You went home and there was a special eyewitness news report. | ||
| They were in San Diego and the guy had a shotgun. | ||
| Now it seems like you expect it. | ||
| It's a daily occurrence now. | ||
| Some are worse than others. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that feel disenfranchised. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that don't feel like they can make a dent in this world unless they do something really bad. | ||
| There's people out there that feel like to get notice and to get people to recognize them, they can do that if they do something really bad. | ||
| I think it's a love famine. | ||
| I think people are starving for love. | ||
| People in the United States don't express love in a normal way. | ||
| It's a really weird thing. | ||
| You might be around friends or even just talking to your brother or something and you have this impulse where you want to say, I love you, man. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| But you don't do it. | ||
| There's a thing that triggers in you where you feel, I'm not going to say that. | ||
| I'm going to say I'm weak. | ||
| And I think that's what it is. | ||
| I think people are just... | ||
| So turned around backwards as to the flow of nature, the flow of life, that they're sort of malfunctioning because of that. | ||
| Yeah, there could be that for sure. | ||
| There's also this weird transitionary period the human race is going into as we get more and more information on a daily basis from the internet. | ||
| It's more and more obvious that the world we live in is fucked. | ||
| It's like the system's terrible. | ||
| We know that we can operate as individuals and we can be really friendly with each other. | ||
| You know, we can. | ||
| The people in this room can. | ||
| We can party. | ||
| We can live together. | ||
| If it was just us on the planet and we were the only people that we interacted with, we'd have a great time. | ||
| So why is it that when you get massive amounts of people, all of a sudden there's all this death and there's all this fucking fighting and there's all this chaos and there's all this lawsuits and bullshit and... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is it about numbers? | ||
| Sounds like the fucking Kardashians. | ||
| Here's the other thing. | ||
| Two people can have a life now, like you and Duncan can own a business, do you know that? | ||
| And not even talk to each other. | ||
| You can live in your home and Duncan can live in your home. | ||
| You don't have to talk to each other. | ||
| I'm very insecure. | ||
| Why do I don't like texting? | ||
| I'm insecure. | ||
| I want to hear you. | ||
| Oh, you want to hear the person's voice. | ||
| I want to hear you. | ||
| Don't text me. | ||
| And you don't want even voicemail messages either because you want to communicate. | ||
| I want to talk to you. | ||
| I'm old school because I don't want to ever lose that. | ||
| I don't know how to say the word. | ||
| We're disenfranchising ourselves from ourselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that some people can handle it and some people can't. | ||
| I can't handle it. | ||
| You know, I was fucking 30 when I was 20. So I'm an old soul. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like the contact. | ||
| For me, I need to hear your voice. | ||
| Want to hear one of the all-time best douchebag actor stories? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm at a restaurant once, and this douchebag actor is there. | ||
| And he's by himself eating, and I think he's crazy. | ||
| And he starts talking to a couple that's near them. | ||
| Like, they're sitting by themselves on a date. | ||
| And, you know, he's fairly famous. | ||
| So he starts talking to them. | ||
| Like, how long have you two been together? | ||
| You know, and they don't know what to do, but they kind of recognize them, so it's kind of weird. | ||
| So they kind of are stuck in this thing where they have to talk to the guy. | ||
| And then I'm watching this play out, and he's talking to them. | ||
| He tells the woman that she's an old soul. | ||
| He told her, you seem like an old soul. | ||
| You really seem like an old soul. | ||
| You guys really, I sense something with you two. | ||
| Like, this is an amazing relationship, isn't it? | ||
| It was so fucking strange. | ||
| And I was like, get me out of this town! | ||
| Get me out of here, you people! | ||
| With your fucking emotional support dogs! | ||
| I told you about that shit. | ||
| No, I see a guy bigger than me get on a plane with a French poodle. | ||
| I was cracked right there. | ||
| Bigger than me! | ||
| 400, 480, not 500, with a fucking French poodle. | ||
| Go ahead, I'm sorry to interrupt. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Just don't even get me started on that fucking issue. | ||
| LA, people have figured out that there's a workaround to this Americans with Disabilities Act. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you can say that your dog provides you with emotional support. | ||
| And you can be like a regular person. | ||
| And you can go into a restaurant with a fucking Labrador. | ||
| See, this is a thing I gotta confess. | ||
| When I was with Natasha, we realized this trick, that you can put a red vest on the dog with a little cross on it. | ||
| You can order them on the internet. | ||
| And legally, people can't ask you what your disability is. | ||
| So it's like, because when you see somebody with a chihuahua, it might cross your mind to think, how is this thing going to help them if they start having a seizure? | ||
| Like, what's it really going to do? | ||
| It's going to let you know he's dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Park, park! | |
| Bark, bark, bark! | ||
| So, like, we started saying that we were doing that, and then, man, got some emails from people who are disabled, and they're like, You have to understand, I have to have this dog. | ||
| Like, it's trained to either guide me, it's trained to, like, help me if I have a seizure, and every time you assholes put one of those fake vests on a fucking dog so that you can go and eat in a nice restaurant with it, you're making it that much more difficult for me to do it, because people are getting increasingly suspicious and increasingly suspicious, where they used to not be at all. | ||
| So just leave your fucking dog at home if you want to go eat pasta. | ||
| Don't gum up the gear. | ||
| Don't get in the way of people who are actually fucking sick. | ||
| Yeah, you cunts. | ||
| You cunts. | ||
| I was one of those cunts. | ||
| In Columbus, Ohio, Christina Paziski and Tom Segura brought their dog using the same thing. | ||
| See, that shit is so ridiculous. | ||
| People with dogs think that just because they love their dogs, that dirty, stinky, open-ass animal can just be allowed. | ||
| It is not open-ass. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| They're rubbing their little asses on chairs and that ass on the chair could have worms in it and the microscopic worms could get in my hand. | ||
| And I could get worms. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| It's a dog, man. | ||
| It's a fucking dog. | ||
| It's creepy enough that people drop silverware on the floor and pick it up and still use it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like you're going to wipe off with a napkin all the fucking shit eggs that are stuck to the bottom of your shell. | ||
| My dog's shit eggs are clean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude... | |
| I love dogs. | ||
| You know I do. | ||
| I've always had dogs. | ||
| But bringing dogs to a restaurant is a massive douchebag move. | ||
| How about on a fucking plane? | ||
| It's just as bad. | ||
| How about on a plane when you sit next to somebody with a fucking dog? | ||
| Listen, I love animals too, but I don't expect somebody else to like them. | ||
| I'm old school. | ||
| You want to listen to music, put your fucking earphones on, and I'll put mine on. | ||
| You have to hear each other's shit. | ||
| You might like something different. | ||
| So I'm the same way. | ||
| I feel like if I was to walk into somebody's space with a dog they didn't even know, I'd be fucking feeling weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's just how I was built up. | ||
| Like, I'm taking, I'm wasting your fucking time. | ||
| And there's people who think they could do that shit on fire. | ||
| And I know it guides you from emotional support, but so does a pop brownie. | ||
| You eat a little half of a pot brownie, you go to a restaurant, you're okay. | ||
| You can leave the fucking dog in the car with the air on. | ||
| Some people can't leave the dog anywhere. | ||
| They want that dog with them all the time. | ||
| I love my cats. | ||
| I worry about earthquakes. | ||
| Most people who ate... | ||
| If people ate pot brownies like you eat pot brownies... | ||
| And went into restaurants, they would need emotional support. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm talking about... | ||
| I've had conversations with people that do not smoke marijuana. | ||
| They're not potheads. | ||
| They eat brownies. | ||
| And they've given up. | ||
| They eat little pieces of brownies. | ||
| They'll buy like a 100 milligram brownie on Monday at Divine Wellness. | ||
| And it lasts for four days. | ||
| And they drive to Warner Brothers and they communicate with people. | ||
| And they threw away their fucking pills. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I know. | ||
| What pills were they on? | ||
| You know, the shit that they give you when you go to the doctor and tell them that you hear voices. | ||
| Whatever the fuck they give you. | ||
| Whatever they give you, Joe Adderall. | ||
| I think they give you Adderall. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I'm sorry, guys. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not my will. | ||
| I know what you're saying, though. | ||
| That's how I meant it. | ||
| I didn't mean it in a funny way. | ||
| It's real tricky to decide what medication is right for anybody. | ||
| I think it's real tricky to try to figure out how another person's mind works. | ||
| And that seems to be the issue that they have when they're prescribing those medications in the first place. | ||
| When our friend was on them, I think one of the things that came up was that they had to constantly change his dose and give him different stuff. | ||
| And they were like, try this. | ||
| Tell me how you feel on this. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| They give you stuff to try. | ||
| And you're like, well, I guess I feel good. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You think that's a good dose? | ||
| And you're like, well, I feel pretty good. | ||
| You know, everything seems pretty good today. | ||
| Like, okay, we're going to keep you at that dose. | ||
| And when they start doing shit like that, it becomes very subjective. | ||
| Why does this one work really good on you and that one work really good on him? | ||
| I was on Zoloft when I was in college. | ||
| Why were you on it? | ||
| I got depressed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What was getting you depressed? | ||
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| I'm not really sure that I completely figured it out, but I don't know. | ||
| How long were you on it for? | ||
| I was on it for probably six months. | ||
| And I couldn't cum. | ||
| It made it so that I couldn't cum anymore. | ||
| I could get it up, but I couldn't ejaculate. | ||
| Sounds awesome. | ||
| I couldn't have any orgasms. | ||
| That's Brian's favorite new drug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| What's it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zola? | |
| Zola! | ||
| It's also really bad for your brain though, dude. | ||
| Especially if you're not supposed to be on it. | ||
| Well, you know what it did? | ||
| What it did was it did produce this... | ||
| Feeling that I now associate with when I'm being really healthy like when I'm Meditating a lot or exercising regularly eating right or when I get all my ducks in a row this nice clear Tranquility will generally come over things that I'm not my mind isn't reactive when any weird shitty thing happens It's like you just are sort of at this nice tranquil level it kind of kind of reproduce that and At the cost of not being able to have orgasms. | ||
| And then I just stopped taking it and went out in the woods because I was working in the summer camp. | ||
| Went out in the woods for a shot load like a donkey with a cattle prod up his ass. | ||
| First time coming after how long? | ||
| God, I don't know, man. | ||
| It was a while. | ||
| It's not like I couldn't come. | ||
| It's just like it took forever. | ||
| If you've ever taken a narcotic and tried to jerk off, it's like that. | ||
| It just doesn't happen. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| But you can do it if you really apply yourself and work really hard. | ||
| You can squeeze some jizz out of things. | ||
| After it's over, does it feel like you accomplished something? | ||
| Yeah, it feels like you put your cock in a pencil sharpener. | ||
| Because you've been jerking off for an hour straight. | ||
| At two points in my life, I've jerked off to the point where I had a blister on my dick. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| An actual, like a blister? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, like a red spot where I wore through the skin. | ||
| I had one of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had one of those. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Some dry jacking. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| On two separate occasions in my life, I did that. | ||
| That's how stupid I am. | ||
| Beat off to my dick. | ||
| Try jacking! | ||
| When you're young, especially when you're young and single, especially if you're trying to stay single, like you're trying to be focused in your career. | ||
| It was when I was very young. | ||
| When you're trying to be focused in your career, the last thing you want to do is be thinking about sex. | ||
| And just, for me, my solution was just beat off on the reg. | ||
| And then it becomes an addiction, really. | ||
| That should be in the Constitution, where before politicians make big decisions, they have to masturbate. | ||
| I bet this shutdown wouldn't happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If, like, Boehner and Obama had to jerk off before they decided to do whatever they were going to do. | ||
| There would definitely be less tense. | ||
| Is it still shut down? | ||
| It's still shut down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got about 22 fucking hate emails the other day when I went out there and I had to work out on the way home. | ||
| It was 20 to 10, and I saw the weed store open. | ||
| I go, let me go in there. | ||
| And on the way home, it dawned on me that it's 20 to 10. And the weed store is still open. | ||
| The way I worded it was the government shut down. | ||
| And the weed store is still open. | ||
| And the weed store is still open. | ||
| And will be for the next two hours. | ||
| Fuck and I got hate mail. | ||
| Fuck you, you fat fucker. | ||
| Why is that bad? | ||
| Why would you get hate mail from that? | ||
| Because people were like, you don't understand what's going on with the government. | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| This is all because of Obama. | ||
| Guys, it's a fucking tweet. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| This is why it shut down. | ||
| Because I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, don't get mad at Joey Diaz for stating the obvious. | ||
| Can you believe that? | ||
| Because every time there's a stupid article or something on Twitter and on the media, we get fucking Twitter from people across the country like haters. | ||
| Hey man, they're going to shut the fucking stores down. | ||
| What are you going to do then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No more. | |
| And all of a sudden, these fucking stores are still rocking and rolling. | ||
| Denver is rocking and rolling. | ||
| I was in Portland last week and those motherfuckers don't know what it is not to smoke. | ||
| You know, those fucking savages up there, they walk around with pot trees and shit and knapsacks. | ||
| I mean, that's it. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| So, all of a sudden, the government shut down because they got no Gitas. | ||
| But these fucking states got so much Gitas and taxes. | ||
| I think California's broke, but at least they're generating. | ||
| Let's look up the fucking numbers, people. | ||
| What's Denver generating? | ||
| What's Denver? | ||
| Did you see that 60-minute show? | ||
| Well, what they're saying is that it literally is going to turn the economy around. | ||
| Around! | ||
| This is it! | ||
| Completely. | ||
| Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. | ||
| And these dummies, these, by the way, who are the same dummies who are anti-drugs, it's almost like secretly they want drugs to be legal and the only way they can go about it is to have the government completely collapse so that they can't regulate them anymore and then the drugs will take over and the drugs will let them understand how they've fucked up the entire country with their cunty egos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Then they can apologize. | ||
| It's almost like the only thing that can save them at this point is pot. | ||
| Out of all the ones that are dangerous, out of all the ones that... | ||
| You want an instant change in the economy? | ||
| Of course it's not going to be under corporate control. | ||
| You've got to realize that. | ||
| You ready for that? | ||
| Because it's going to be under control of anybody who wants to grow pot. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| If you make it legal, how legal is it going to be? | ||
| Is it going to be legal to grow like a tomato? | ||
| Like, I have tomatoes in my yard. | ||
| Is it going to be okay if I grow pot in my yard? | ||
| Because if that's the case, it's pretty easy to do, man. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| We're off to the races. | ||
| The whole economy is going to change. | ||
| Wasn't there a time when weed was totally legal anyway? | ||
| Totally legal. | ||
| And no one even thought about it. | ||
| Before the 1930s. | ||
| It wasn't even a thing. | ||
| It was just something else you smoked. | ||
| It was so common and so normal and so used as a textile and a commodity. | ||
| It was so important to the making of clothes and for all sorts of different things that they had before they came out with the decorticator. | ||
| When they came out with the decorticator, It led them to be able to process this shit really fucking easy. | ||
| And all the difficulty that they had with processing in the past was gone. | ||
| One machine completely figured out how to take this hemp and instantly turn it into what you could use for paper, building materials. | ||
| Henry Ford made his first fucking car. | ||
| He had the fenders made out of hemp. | ||
| It's an amazing plant. | ||
| It's one of the most durable fucking plants that's ever existed and it's lightweight. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's not like any other plant. | ||
| So the idea of making that illegal was so ridiculous that they had to make the name marijuana. | ||
| What they did was, Harry Anslinger and William Randolph Hearst and Hearst controlled all these newspapers. | ||
| We also control all this paper. | ||
| He controlled all these, like, he made, he had forests, and these forests would chop down this wood and use it to make paper. | ||
| He was going to have to convert all that to hemp. | ||
| Like, popular science was saying hemp, the new billion dollar crop, like, they got it in because of the actual, the applications for, like, clothing and nylon and fuel. | ||
| That's how they got it in. | ||
| They got it in as a commodity. | ||
| They essentially banned an incredible natural commodity. | ||
| One of the greatest ones ever. | ||
| So that they could have nylon for ropes and shit like that. | ||
| So that Hearst didn't have to transfer his mills over to hemp paper. | ||
| There's a bunch of weird economic reasons. | ||
| It just stuck so good! | ||
| In the 1930s, it's still stuck. | ||
| Like, we're running around with the fucking internet with cold syrup and alcohol and fucking antidepressants and everything else, and to this day, one of the best plants that's ever existed on this planet for people is illegal. | ||
| Illegal. | ||
| I mean, you don't need any more proof than that, that we're fucking retarded. | ||
| Like, you want to talk about a backwards-ass civilization. | ||
| They've got the best plant ever illegal. | ||
| Nothing else can fuck with it. | ||
| There's nothing else you can eat, make houses with, make clothes with, and that motherfucker's illegal. | ||
| It's going to be interesting seeing that population growth for the places that are legal now, and seeing if there's a growth in music and arts, like if Portland becomes the new Seattle in just two years. | ||
| Well, it's illegal in Portland. | ||
| It is illegal? | ||
| Yeah, it's illegal in Portland. | ||
| Portland didn't pass. | ||
| No, you can have medical. | ||
| They didn't make it legal statewide. | ||
| They only made it legal statewide. | ||
| First was Colorado, second was shortly after was Washington State. | ||
| And those are the only two right now that's actually legal in the state. | ||
| But we knew that Denver had passed a city law way back in the day where they said weed was legal. | ||
| They said they were not going to arrest you, don't smoke it in public. | ||
| The cops, like, they openly stated they weren't going to do this. | ||
| We used to talk about that on stage back when we were doing the comedy works in the early 2000s. | ||
| Yeah, it's very strange. | ||
| It's a really strange phenomenon. | ||
| And if you look at it not just from the economic perspective of why people economically might want to ban it, but also from the consciousness level, because the state that induces is one of deep introspection, and if you consider capitalism And the effects of it, like what you just said, and you really explore, like, shit, do I want to be... | ||
| Do I want to subscribe to this system that has actually thrown people in jail for growing a thing that used to be, like, one of the number one substances used? | ||
| That's the kind of thoughts that come to your mind when you're high, along with a lot of other stuff. | ||
| Like, man, I think I'm a fucking asshole. | ||
| Did I really just say that to whoever I said that to? | ||
| Like, I think I'm a fucking asshole. | ||
| And the more you start, like, thinking about stuff like that... | ||
| That produces the paranoid trip everyone's so afraid of. | ||
| But if you take that deeper, then what you realize is happening is the plant is healing your consciousness. | ||
| And it's identifying aspects of yourself that need to be worked on. | ||
| That's what the effect is. | ||
| And also, if you get super stoned and just get into a messy room, You'll start organizing the fucking room, generally. | ||
| You'll start cleaning and scrubbing because you're externalizing what it's doing to you on the inside, which is organizing all these disparate aspects of your personality and forcing you to at least acknowledge it, if not work on it. | ||
| And does that kind of balancing agent work with a society based on denial and a society based on ignoring the fact that the whole thing functions by evaporating human beings and stealing their land? | ||
| Do you really want a drug that produces that level of understanding in the bloodstream of the population? | ||
| Well, you do. | ||
| Just you don't if you're the one at the helm of the fucking meat machine. | ||
| If you're the one that's pushing the blades across the land and slashing everything in front of it, then you don't. | ||
| But if you're everybody else, of course you do. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We're all better off high. | ||
| It's... | ||
| I've never really known what it is to sit on a couch. | ||
| You know, I don't play games. | ||
| I don't play video games. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| Play a little pool. | ||
| Joey Diaz can play some pool. | ||
| I grew up in a fucking bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz can shoot straight. | |
| Here's the weirdest thing of them all, that weed always kicked my ass. | ||
| Like, it always fucking beat the fuck out of me. | ||
| Like, when I smoked it in the morning, like, 8 in the morning, it would pattern my day for me. | ||
| Like, first off, you're not gonna sit here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You gotta get the fuck out of the house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So it made me go out and get, like, I always loved listening to music. | ||
| So I used to get those any time. | ||
| Since 1980, I've always had something around my ears. | ||
| Whether it was the big disc. | ||
| I never had the big ghetto blaster, but I had the disc. | ||
| I had the disc. | ||
| And then it got shorter to the cassette. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it became an iPod. | ||
| I don't even know the evolution. | ||
| I even had the power booster that I bought on 40. You know, in New York, the electronic. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, you could buy anything. | ||
| I used to buy... | ||
| Sony used to make an amp that you plugged into the Walkman, and you plugged your speakers into the fucking amp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's how much of a savage I was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wanted it loud. | |
| Because when you're going to New York City, there wasn't those earbuds, then there were speakers, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I wanted it loud. | ||
| People used to go around with ghetto blasters, remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Fucking ears at the whole neighborhood. | ||
| They would have their own music. | ||
| A hip hop. | ||
| A hip to the hip. | ||
| They would, like, walk down the street, like, holding on a giant radio. | ||
| Boomboxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That has got to be one of the weirdest creations. | ||
| A huge, loud stereo that you carry with you, and dudes would bring them everywhere. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Let me explain something to you. | ||
| Think of the dudes who did it. | ||
| It was the same dudes today who have a pit bull. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The people who had that were people who fucking looked kind of scary. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| They walk in with the, don't look me, cause I'm close. | ||
| They'll walk into the fucking house with it, blasting. | ||
| Well, in some ways, it makes life a little bit simpler because you're walking around with a soundtrack. | ||
| You know, I had one. | ||
| I had a small one. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they used to carry. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Look at that thing, man. | ||
| That looks like something we would plug into to make this show. | ||
| That looks like the podcast equipment. | ||
| He's got, like, sliding scales on that thing. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You're turning on Huey Lewis and the News full blast. | ||
| It's at the Beastman! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think that guy listened to Huey Lewis and the News. | |
| No, he's probably listening to some... | ||
| And if you have one of these, nobody ever took it from you. | ||
| Cool G rap and DJ polo. | ||
| Nobody get mugged in their fucking stereo. | ||
| Like, dog, please help us find it. | ||
| I'm sure someone must have, Joey. | ||
| People steal everything. | ||
| Did you see this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, this is... | |
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Un-fucking-believable. | ||
| Joey's in the far right. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| You were so cute. | ||
| Lucky 7! | ||
| Can you get it so just his whole body fills the screen? | ||
| No, I was 44. I was 44. There was no Lucky 7 concept. | ||
| Yeah, like that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at you, dude. | ||
| So how old are you in this picture? | ||
| Fourteen. | ||
| Fourteen. | ||
| Goddamn, Joey. | ||
| You're cute. | ||
| You're cute as a button. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turn around and talk into the microphone so other people can hear this, too. | |
| Joey, it's up on this screen, too. | ||
| That kid with the afro was a very interesting story. | ||
| This guy right here? | ||
| Because we were a horrible basketball team at McKinley. | ||
| Can you go full screen? | ||
| And he moved in to our neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it do that? | |
| He could jump. | ||
| He was 5'8". | ||
| But this kid could fucking jump like Julius Erving. | ||
| So he was Dominican. | ||
| His name was Louie Hernandez. | ||
| I'm from Jersey. | ||
| They just cut it short and called him Louie the nigger. | ||
| They said, fuck it. | ||
| We don't care if he's Dominican. | ||
| We're not going to even think about that. | ||
| This is David Ruiz. | ||
| They called him that to his face, too. | ||
| Like Louie the nigger. | ||
| And did he get pissed? | ||
| Fuck you, bitch. | ||
| He was a tough kid. | ||
| Did he get mad at you when you called him? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I think he bit slapped two or three people. | ||
| But the best thing he did was, we used to do acid. | ||
| When we first started smoking weed in the eighth grade, we'd go behind a soccer field in North Bergen, and he let us blow smoke into his afro and see the smoke come out. | ||
| How cool was he? | ||
| I remember that! | ||
| I remember you told me that! | ||
| This was the crew. | ||
| So I knew all these motherfuckers! | ||
| Scroll down to the... | ||
| Alright, this kid here... | ||
| No, up, up. | ||
| That kid there was David Black. | ||
| We graduated together and I knew him after the fact. | ||
| And one night he came in to Joe and I was like, look, you gotta call. | ||
| You gotta give me a ride. | ||
| If you give me a ride, I'll give you a ride. | ||
| Alright, we gave him a ride. | ||
| He gets out of the car in West New York. | ||
| About three minutes later, he comes running back bleeding with his hair pulled. | ||
| I go, what happened? | ||
| He goes, I went and robbed my sister. | ||
| I mean, he was serious. | ||
| He had Coke rocks for everybody, a chunk of his fucking hair. | ||
| She caught him on the way out as he was pulling out of the window and she just took he was bleeding sister He robbed his sister the window. | ||
| Oh my god It's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god cocaine was This is 83 dog at 3 in the morning you asked me for a ride I gotta do what I gotta do you know think how crazy that's this is fucking crazy Joey I wish you could do your own stand by me like My God. | |
| He's so great. | ||
| My fucking God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey, who is this? | |
| Why is his head so small? | ||
| When I got this picture, I nearly... | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The Filipino kid? | ||
| No, this guy on the left. | ||
| That kid's like a multi-gazillioner now. | ||
| His family owns a tow truck company in northern New Jersey, New York City. | ||
| If you get towed, his family is the one that owns it. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| This is fucking crazy shit here. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| So, 1978? | ||
| Somebody sent me this yesterday while I was eating dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I almost had a fucking heart attack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| A friend goes, look what I found looking through yearbooks. | ||
| And that's when I was an innocent. | ||
| No, I was smoking dope then. | ||
| I was no innocent then. | ||
| I was smoking dope. | ||
| I was finger-banging people. | ||
| You can still be innocent. | ||
| It was just me and my mom at the house. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I was okay. | ||
| I was okay. | ||
| I wasn't crazy then. | ||
| I smoked my first reefer when I was 15. I ganked it from my dad. | ||
| And I had no idea how strong it was. | ||
| And we rolled a joint. | ||
| And me and my friend Josh and this girl that I was dating, we smoked this shit. | ||
| And we smoked way too much for 15-year-olds, whatever we were. | ||
| And we wound up waking up in various parts of the house, like blink, like blink, it's never happened to me before, but like blink, all of a sudden I'd be on the couch. | ||
| Blink, all of a sudden I'd be in front of the refrigerator. | ||
| Like blink, all the time in between the blinks, missing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just arriving places. | ||
| Like waking up in a bedroom. | ||
| No short-term memory. | ||
| Not just no short-term memory, it's like my tape gets cut. | ||
| Like, the events between those two did not exist. | ||
| I got so high I had zero memory. | ||
| So what I would think it was, was I got so high that I would say, you know what, I need to just get into the kitchen and maybe get something to eat and maybe it'll calm this down. | ||
| So my brain spools up. | ||
| That it's got to figure out to remember to get to the kitchen to eat because I'm that high. | ||
| And then in between during the walking, I forget everything. | ||
| So then boom, all of a sudden I wake up and I'm in front of the refrigerator going, what the fuck? | ||
| And she was doing it too, my girlfriend at the time. | ||
| And my friend was doing it. | ||
| My friend Josh was doing it too. | ||
| We were all fucking... | ||
| It scared me off of weed for a long time. | ||
| Scared me off weed for a long time. | ||
| I didn't smoke weed again for several years after that. | ||
| The first time you get high, you really don't get that zonked. | ||
| It's the second or third time, and then you're outside, and you really start to understand that you end up in a bowling alley buying a chocolate milk. | ||
| That's why I went and ate. | ||
| We had french fries and chocolate milk. | ||
| Have you ever had that happen? | ||
| Where you felt like you woke up in places? | ||
| The first two or three years, I just smoked, you know, like, Duncan, what are you doing Friday night? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| My mom's leaving. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| I'm going to call Joe. | ||
| I'm going to come home with some weed. | ||
| I don't know, bro. | ||
| My brother found that last time. | ||
| He's going to rat me out. | ||
| All right, fuck it. | ||
| We'll smoke in your yard. | ||
| And we'll go and listen to Pink Floyd. | ||
| I mean, not even though the war wasn't even out yet. | ||
| We listened to the Beatles, Sgt. Pepper. | ||
| Like, that's it. | ||
| Like, we'd get together and roll a joint. | ||
| In those days, I used to have a glass. | ||
| You went to East-West, this head shop, and there was a tube. | ||
| And it was like a flute with this open, but it had a hole, and you put the joint in there. | ||
| Joe light it. | ||
| And you'd light the joint. | ||
| And I'd suck it in. | ||
| I'd hold it back. | ||
| And then it was like, that's it. | ||
| That was your carburetor. | ||
| When you smoked one of those, you got zunked. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| And then we'd sit around and we'd all have money. | ||
| You know, like, what do you want to do? | ||
| How much you got a dollar a quarter? | ||
| What do you got, three dollars? | ||
| I got four. | ||
| Let's go to Nick's. | ||
| And you walk to the pizza place. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| You just talk stupidity. | ||
| And you didn't get... | ||
| You look at each other. | ||
| Do I look high? | ||
| No. | ||
| You think Nick will say I'm high? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's going, no, I'm high. | ||
| Come on, do I look high? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| But Vizine, it was a fucking... | ||
| It was tremendous. | ||
| Then you had to get in the house and walk past your mother. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And that was the night your mother decided to make cookies. | ||
| So now you had to look and talk to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever! | |
| That's why you smoke pot, dog. | ||
| Because it brought something different to your life at 13. It made you feel fucking alive. | ||
| How cool was it? | ||
| Like, I always want to do... | ||
| Right now, forget about anything. | ||
| I would love to... | ||
| Get 60 people and chairs and couches and just fucking come out on stage and give everybody a joint and a table in the middle with joints and just do time to all those joints I got. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a couple places you can do that in Toronto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's it. | |
| That's it. | ||
| They're going to start having those in Denver, guaranteed. | ||
| Yeah, any day. | ||
| The only problem is it's against health code to be able to be smoking in a public place. | ||
| We just want to crack jokes, dog, and bring it back to when you were 14 and you all sat around and listened to, is it something I said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or that one album with... | ||
| I used to sit around. | ||
| feeling, listen to what this motherfucker's saying. | ||
| Listen to his language. | ||
| We don't know anybody who talks like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even George Carlin, he was so fucking hip. | ||
| I remember still listening to Lenny Bruce and like being like eight and like turning it off, like fucking hiding and going next. | ||
| What was the first stand-up you got exposed to? | ||
| Richard Pryor, the nigga's crazy. | ||
| Wino meets Dracula, pushed me over the fucking top, drooling, crying. | ||
| Like, mommy, I gotta tell you this joke and then putting it on and going back and telling me y'all don't admit the curses. | ||
| Y'all don't admit the curses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then you learned... | ||
| You know, at all that age, I wasn't into fucking the black dude that everybody's supposed to like. | ||
| Bill Cosby? | ||
| No. | ||
| I was a George Carlin, Richard Pryor. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| For me... | ||
| Later, it was Bill Cosby. | ||
| Cosby, for me, was the first. | ||
| That was my first. | ||
| My parents had an album, and it was Noah having a conversation with God. | ||
| You ever hear that? | ||
| Noah in the Ark? | ||
| Noah having a conversation with God? | ||
| Yeah, I vaguely remember it. | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
| I mean, it's great. | ||
| He's a totally different style than any of us. | ||
| And I don't think he's right in when he gets mad at people for using certain language. | ||
| There was a... | ||
| Juana Sykes interviewed him once, and he criticized her language, how she phrased the question to him. | ||
| I'm like, oh, come on, man. | ||
| But as a comedian, the dude's top notch. | ||
| He's extremely conservative. | ||
| He's a very conservative person. | ||
| He's very conservative. | ||
| Well, you know what he is? | ||
| He's a super successful man that had to be incredibly driven to get to where he was. | ||
| And he's not tolerating any mediocrity or what he perceives to be mediocrity in any form. | ||
| Whether it's language or behavior or the use of swear words. | ||
| Fun guy! | ||
| Yeah, it's unfortunate. | ||
| My first experience with stand-up was, I was very young. | ||
| My parents had a record player. | ||
| I put Bill Cosby on and would play it. | ||
| And when you're a kid, you don't have an immune system for comedy because you've never heard it before. | ||
| So the first time you hear it, it knocks you on your ass because it's so funny. | ||
| You can't stop laughing. | ||
| You don't have the defense mechanisms. | ||
| It's a brand new thing. | ||
| You're hearing a whole new rhythm, a whole new way of storytelling that is always the funniest thing you've ever heard. | ||
| I can remember laying there and not being able to breathe, just like clutching my stomach because it was so funny. | ||
| His joke that I remember from this album was the one about getting drunk. | ||
| It was just this whole story about throwing up and getting drunk. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, he had that great bit about the son at the football game that the dad works out with the son, does all this thing with the son, and then finally, you know, the cameras turn on him, and he's like, Hi, Mom. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We had one that I got hooked on. | ||
| That's the one that really fucked Mencia up. | ||
| That one really fucked him up. | ||
| Which one was it? | ||
| The Cosby one. | ||
| Because that's sacred ground. | ||
| I mean, as far as stand-up comedians, in my opinion, there's five, six sacred comedians. | ||
| And Cosby's one of the sacred ones. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| He's an all-time genius. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't talk shit about him. | ||
| But what an odd decision to steal a Bill Cosby joke. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| We've said a lot of things about that guy over the years, Mencia. | ||
| I honestly hope he's got his shit together. | ||
| I wish him well. | ||
| We don't have to play that dude. | ||
| The Buck Buck joke with the blue thing is one really flip comedy for me. | ||
| He does a bit about playing Buck Buck and he sits on a stool. | ||
| And he doesn't move, and anybody who ever played Buck Buck knows it's a moving game. | ||
| He sold me in my mind, and that's when I learned the other phase of comedy. | ||
| By that time I was maybe 16 or 17. But guess who I was into at that point? | ||
| David Letterman. | ||
| Letterman? | ||
| When Letterman first came on... | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| When Letterman... | ||
| Fucking tell me about it! | ||
| When Letterman first hit TV, I was a senior in high school. | ||
| And the first time I watched Letterman, I was gone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like that style of... | ||
| Being a cool guy. | ||
| Something. | ||
| And then I watched him from 18 to like 23. You know, whenever I was home at 11, when I wasn't coked up. | ||
| Or in jail. | ||
| Whatever stupidity I was doing, they're not in jail. | ||
| And then I didn't watch him again. | ||
| But I knew that style when he would come up and do his monologue in the beginning. | ||
| I dug him. | ||
| Like, I fucking just was sold. | ||
| And I found out he was at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And Pryor was at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And I started putting all the pieces together. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And already I had heard the guy from Mark and Mindy was a joke thief. | ||
| He's a fucking joke thief. | ||
| Yeah, we heard about that. | ||
| You follow me, right? | ||
| So I heard that already. | ||
| And then, again, way before I was going to be a fucking comic, not even thought... | ||
| I went to catch that dude. | ||
| We've said this already on here. | ||
| Went to see the dude from Boston that's very witty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stephen... | |
| Stephen Wright? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went. | ||
| My friend won tickets to the radio in Boulder at the big thing on South Boulder. | ||
| We went. | ||
| He was brilliant. | ||
| His material was brilliant. | ||
| I was blown away. | ||
| Wow, he didn't fucking curse, really, towards the end. | ||
| That's a different style. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I went to see him a year later and did the same material. | ||
| And I said to myself, if I was ever a comic, I wouldn't do the same fucking thing. | ||
| I think he has a real problem with that act. | ||
| It's such a narrow window that he can write material in. | ||
| The things he can write about. | ||
| Everything has to be absurd. | ||
| Everything has to be a little flip on things. | ||
| I love comics like that, like him and Mitch. | ||
| They're amazing, but I think it must feel a little claustrophobic to get stuck in that form. | ||
| Steven Reich, I guess he can't just come out And start doing bits about things. | ||
| And tell a long story because people will be like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| What if he did it with a lot of energy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, lady, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Where's that mellow guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So I think that sucks kind of to get stuck or to get pigeonholed in that one form. | ||
| I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Couldn't park anywhere near the place. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a classic Stephen Wright. | |
| That's that style. | ||
| In a lot of ways, very Hedbergian. | ||
| Hedberg style is kind of like that, too. | ||
| Like, real odd. | ||
| It's fucking so good. | ||
| I love all that shit, though. | ||
| My favorite Hedberg one is, well, it's one of my favorites. | ||
| It goes, somebody asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. | ||
| I said, no, but I want a regular banana later. | ||
| So, yes. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Imagine if somebody wrote that down for you if you're hiring a guy to write jokes. | ||
| Listen, fella, I'm gonna give you 200 in an hour. | ||
| Write me some snippy material. | ||
| I really need to kill him at the club tonight. | ||
| And he reads that. | ||
| Guy asks me if I want a frozen banana. | ||
| What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? | ||
| Guy asks me if I want a frozen banana. | ||
| I say no, but I want a regular banana later. | ||
| So yes? | ||
| What the fuck are you... | ||
| What the fuck am I paying you to write? | ||
| Jesus Christ, you piece of shit. | ||
| But meanwhile, it's brilliant. | ||
| It comes out of Headbrook. | ||
| The one about Doubletree? | ||
| How did they name that? | ||
| What do you want to call the place? | ||
| Two Trees? | ||
| Doubletree! | ||
| Meeting adjourned! | ||
| His stuff never connected. | ||
| What we do is we'll have a subject and it's so much easier the way we do comedy because you have a subject and your subject is like the Liberace bit that you're doing now. | ||
| He'll start on that Liberace movie and he can talk about that fucking movie for 15 minutes. | ||
| It's a whole series of hilarious things that exist inside of this one subject. | ||
| But if you're a Mitch Hedberg guy, it's like essentially you're talking about one thing, and then you're talking about Oreo cookies, and then you're talking about heroin, whatever. | ||
| And all the bullets you've got to have in your gun. | ||
| You've got to have so many jokes for an hour set if each of your jokes is eight seconds. | ||
| And they're all non-connected. | ||
| But meanwhile, Hedberg would just pump it out, man. | ||
| He pumped out a lot of shit. | ||
| He constantly was writing. | ||
| That guy was one of the most prolific guys. | ||
| You know, like, you always heard about him writing a lot of material. | ||
| Yeah, I heard somebody say they would write with him, and they would go meet him to write, and they would have, like, maybe one shitty, half-thought-out joke written down, and he would have, like, 20 just hilarious jokes. | ||
| He's one of those comics kids that just pours out of him. | ||
| Is that you breathing in the mic? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I'm listening to my ears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm hearing Darth Vader in the background. | |
| Yeah, he had that style down. | ||
| He figured out his perfect style. | ||
| And that's a great example why you can never really teach comedy. | ||
| You know, I thought about doing, remember we talked about doing this at the store, like doing something in the belly room. | ||
| Well, I was going to call it like a comics workshop. | ||
| And the idea was like, you really can't, like anyone who's like a real legitimate comic could go and do it for free. | ||
| You can't pay for that. | ||
| You can't charge people for comedy classes. | ||
| It just seems too fucking weird. | ||
| It just seems too strange. | ||
| It's the entire opposite of the feeling of camaraderie that we're supposed to be giving each other. | ||
| We're not supposed to be taking money from each other like that. | ||
| We don't feed off of each other. | ||
| What we should be doing is promoting the art of stand-up. | ||
| If somebody wants to take a course and they're not a comedian and they just want to find out what it's like and sit in, then I could see maybe charging them. | ||
| But someone who's actually a comedian, trying to be a comedian, there's that. | ||
| So the idea of teaching a class kind of goes against the whole way of camaraderie that we all enjoy. | ||
| But it's also that... | ||
| You can't teach people how to do comedy. | ||
| You can only give them advice as to maybe how you would do it, or maybe if they shortened things up or had less words. | ||
| Well, it's a little bit like what you're saying. | ||
| I'm sorry to cut you off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, please do. | |
| I'm rambling. | ||
| What you're saying reminds me a lot of what people say about... | ||
| Like Buddhism or spirituality is that they say, you know, you can't read this. | ||
| This isn't something like, you can read all you want, but it's not going to teach you. | ||
| It's the practice of the thing itself that teaches you. | ||
| So, like, when I went down to hang out to this Ram Dass retreat, and there was this Zen Roshi there, this woman who's been practicing Zen for, like, I don't know, her whole life, basically. | ||
| And she said that the teacher does not give the student enlightenment, but sets the conditions, creates a good condition for realization. | ||
| So in the same way, I think you could have a comedy class, but the comedy class isn't something where you tell someone, here's how you hold the mic, and here's the way you write a joke, and here's how you get booked at clubs. | ||
| It's more like Here's an environment that is conducive to coming up with ideas and jokes. | ||
| Some kind of free-form chaotic place where people just get together and... | ||
| I guess, you know, get to be around people like you or like, you know, Cosby or big comics. | ||
| Because somehow just being around a very funny person for a little bit of time can teach you so much. | ||
| But the actual mechanics of the thing, the technical aspects of it, that's, I think, where comedy classes are at. | ||
| I'm going to tell you this sincerely from my heart that, as you were saying it, and Joe's going to agree with me because we're both on the same page. | ||
| I would have loved if somebody would have taken my hand in the beginning. | ||
| And walk me through a lot of things. | ||
| And there's a lot of things that I could take a new comic that we, all three of us, all four of us, everybody in the room, could take a new comic and walk him around for a couple weeks with him, three, four weeks, and explain this. | ||
| After that, it's like anything else, man. | ||
| You gotta figure it out on your own. | ||
| Because that's part of the journey. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's part of your happiness. | ||
| That's what's gonna make you happy later. | ||
| Well, not only that, you two guys are a perfect example of it. | ||
| You two are two of my best friends, and you're also two of my favorite comedians. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And you're both completely fucking different. | ||
| And I love watching both of you perform equally. | ||
| You're both totally different. | ||
| Totally different, totally different styles, but yet both awesome. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because you're really you, and you're really you. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| You're not playing. | ||
| We all know the poor people that are stuck putting together an act, and they're kind of pretending to be someone they're not. | ||
| We know those folks, and it's a terrible rut to be in. | ||
| Artistically, as a person, whatever. | ||
| You guys aren't in that spot. | ||
| So because of that, you're allowed to figure out, and I don't know if that's ever going to be You almost have to struggle uniquely and individually to become a Duncan Trussell. | ||
| It's almost like if you get advice, they're never going to figure out that this is possible, that you could be you. | ||
| If you met with someone when you were 20 years old, and you're like, Duncan, what would you like to do someday? | ||
| I like to smoke pot, play video games, I like to write about my penis, I would like to go on stage and make people laugh, and that's really it. | ||
| They'd be like, well, okay. | ||
| Kill Show yourself. | ||
| That's cute, but let's think realistically, Duncan. | ||
| What about your real future? | ||
| Instead of saying, oh, so many people have done that before, no one is ever going to be able to figure out how to make a Duncan Trussell except Duncan Trussell. | ||
| Well, I think some people, I think comedians, there are tendencies in comedians. | ||
| There are similarities in comedians, right? | ||
| Wouldn't you say there's things in comics, not material-wise, but there are aspects of comedians that all seem to be the same. | ||
| One is they're They tend to be very anti-authoritarian. | ||
| So when you tell them what to do, when you tell them this is what you have to do, they inevitably want to reject that, overcome it, disrupt it, make fun of it. | ||
| And I think that tendency starts when you're really young. | ||
| And if that tendency is in you, you're going to have a hard fucking time anyway getting a regular job. | ||
| Because... | ||
| It's such an affront. | ||
| I can remember listening. | ||
| In college, there was a career class we had to go to. | ||
| And I can remember sitting there and listening to the guy talk about having to wear suits and talking about the way you talk to your boss and talking about the way to be polite in the workplace. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what happens when you listen to that guy? | |
| You wind up at a restaurant with your date and some asshole actor starts telling your date that she's an old soul and you just take it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Without bitch slapping that dude. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| They turn you. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The essence of the thing is just lay on your belly and submit to the master. | ||
| Just the very same thing that like when you see a mother dog, like our dog had puppies and I remember watching the mother dog play with the puppies and part of the thing it seemed like she was teaching them was to like show their belly to like turn over on their belly. | ||
| That's the essence of the fucking thing. | ||
| It's like obedience, subservience, submission. | ||
| Well, it's the only way you're ever going to get by in life with a regular job. | ||
| The only way to get by in life, if you want to move your way up the corporate ladder, you have to follow the rules. | ||
| You can't tell dirty jokes at work. | ||
| You can't try to get laid. | ||
| You can't try to play pranks on people. | ||
| There's no room for creativity. | ||
| You're there from 9 to 5. You punch in, you punch out. | ||
| I think that's not all places though, man. | ||
| Oh no, it's certainly not. | ||
| I saw pictures of somebody working in Google and they were laying in a box of colored balls on their laptop. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I don't think it's all places. | ||
| It's an old school model. | ||
| It's an old school model, which is that it's based on feudalism. | ||
| It's based on the king. | ||
| Show obedience to the king. | ||
| Show obedience to your boss or your teacher. | ||
| Yeah, Google is the perfect example of how to do a corporation. | ||
| I mean, we joke around about them being Skynet, but the reality of Google is they've managed in a short period of time to keep a lot of fucking employees happy. | ||
| They have a huge business. | ||
| They own everything. | ||
| They've got maps. | ||
| They've got fucking music. | ||
| They've got their own operating system for phones. | ||
| They've developed their own browser. | ||
| I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Has anybody ever kicked ass on the internet the way Google has? | ||
| And yet, they're really cool to their employees. | ||
| If you go there, their employees got fucking foosball tables and shit and really good food, and they have a real comfortable working environment. | ||
| I have a friend who works there. | ||
| There's a dude that works there who's decided at work he wants to be a girl. | ||
| So he's a guy, he's married, he's got kids, but at work, he puts on women's clothes, and they change the title, his title at work, to what his girl name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| And they're like, okay. | ||
| They're so open-minded, they're not like, Bob, is there something going on, man? | ||
| You know, all of a sudden you're wearing a dress. | ||
| Instead of any of that, there's none of that. | ||
| They're like, okay, well, Helen, pleasure to meet you, Helen. | ||
| Have I met you before? | ||
| I have met you before, but I met you as Bob. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So now, well, pleasure to meet you as Helen. | ||
| So let's take it from here on. | ||
| We're Helen. | ||
| Except dinner parties. | ||
| When they go out at night and he brings his wife, then he dresses like a man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if he has functions or anything, then he's a man and he's married and he has a wife. | ||
| And they're so open-minded. | ||
| They're like, okay. | ||
| As long as he does his job, right? | ||
| Are you fucking putting me on? | ||
| Not putting you on at all. | ||
| Wait, this is your friend or this is a... | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| My friend is... | ||
| My friend... | ||
| I thought it was your friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like... | |
| My friend works in the same environment as this person. | ||
| My friend works at Google. | ||
| That's all cool. | ||
| That's all cool. | ||
| You slip and fall in the bathroom and try to sue Google. | ||
| And they're like, Sue, then you wear a dress and fucking work. | ||
| You want to sue me? | ||
| You want to wear a dress, cocksucker? | ||
| You better get your shit together. | ||
| Pack your pencil. | ||
| That's what happens when your heels don't fit. | ||
| You imagine? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You wear a fucking dress to work. | ||
| Somebody's going to say something eventually, I mean. | ||
| Well, the shoes alone would be reason to not be a woman. | ||
| If I was a woman, even if I was a really sexy, heterosexual woman, I think I would dress like a man. | ||
| I think this is the most comfortable way to move around. | ||
| Converse All-Stars, pair of jeans, nice comfortable shirts. | ||
| Why are you wearing those shoes? | ||
| With those crazy shoes you wear and you can't walk in. | ||
| Yeah, you know, one thing that is probably certain, but I guess I'll find out in a second, is that those fucking shoes were not invented by a woman, right? | ||
| Like, whoever invented high heels wasn't a woman. | ||
| No person was like, you know what, I'm gonna put myself in uncomfortable stilts that warp my feet. | ||
| I'm gonna put myself in the most uncomfortable shoe wear. | ||
| I can't drink. | ||
| Yeah, probably as a chick. | ||
| Probably wasn't. | ||
| No, a lot of people, like foot bindings. | ||
| There's a whole history of like... | ||
| I meant to say, isn't it, Chuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I meant to say, well, Jimmy Choo is a woman. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Jimmy Choo. | ||
| That's like a big one with the gals. | ||
| They love the Jimmy Choo shoes. | ||
| Jimmy Choo is actually a woman. | ||
| A woman created that. | ||
| Yeah, but if you look at the history of them... | ||
| Alright, let's find out. | ||
| Do you think there'd be a patent on that? | ||
| This is why I hate Google. | ||
| As a stoner, any of your stupid ideas can instantly be shot down. | ||
| My friend ate it, wearing high heels the other day, just tore her knee wide open because of those stupid high heel shoes. | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking dangerous, man. | ||
| It's like, especially when you're walking around the street and there's cracks in the sidewalk and weird shit and divots. | ||
| You can't walk in those things. | ||
| Bitch, you can't work in those things. | ||
| Okay, where does it say invention? | ||
| It's a history of high heels. | ||
| History. | ||
| You've haunted me with those feet shoes, Joe. | ||
| Those footie toes things. | ||
| I see them like every day now. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| If you wore them, you would wear... | ||
| Well, you're so funny to talk shit because you're wearing slippers right now. | ||
| You're wearing slippers like you just stepped out of some Russian bathhouse. | ||
| Where they give you one of those massages where they beat you with the sticks like Fedor used to do. | ||
| The banya. | ||
| And they fucking slap you with that thing. | ||
| These shoes are comfy. | ||
| I bet they are comfy, but that's what it looks like. | ||
| You're shuffling out in the middle of the winter in some Soviet Union gear headed to the banya to get slapped. | ||
| Men massaged naked. | ||
| Or an Alzheimer's patient who's slipped out the back door and is lost in a city. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, the first instance of the wear of high heels involved 1533 marriage between Catherine de Murti and the Duke of Orleans. | ||
| She wore heels made in Florence for her wedding, and as a result, Italian high heels became the norm for the ladies in the Duke's court in France. | ||
| Unfortunately, this reference may be apocryphal. | ||
| As the development of heels did not begin to come about until the late 1580s based on an iconographic evidence. | ||
| So it was somewhere around the 1580s. | ||
| Between 1530 and 1580s. | ||
| I heard it's because everything used to be covered in shit. | ||
| And a lady didn't want to get her feet in shit puddles. | ||
| And so you would try to use the high heels to push the feet out of the shit. | ||
| Doesn't make sense because the toes down, toes still getting caked and shit. | ||
| Better the toes than the entire foot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If I have to choose between how much of anything I want covered in shit, I'm gonna pick the smallest one. | ||
| I'll go with my heels. | ||
| I'd rather have shit on my heel than in between my cute little toes. | ||
| Why would you want to get your piggies all dirty? | ||
| My piggies wallowing around shit. | ||
| So what would that look like? | ||
| Reverse high heels? | ||
| That'd be a really weird... | ||
| I can see if you have some Gene Simmons style kiss boots. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Call Dr. Love. | ||
| They call me Dr. Love. | ||
| With teeth. | ||
| Walking through the shit. | ||
| Yeah, that was the cause of a lot of disease back in the day. | ||
| It was the poor sewer systems and the rotting bodies and all sorts of other things they had to deal with when people died. | ||
| Just a river of shit, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people would also, especially during times of war, their rivers would get clogged up with bodies. | ||
| You know, and the bodies would rot. | ||
| And then if you drank river water with rotting bodies in it, you'd get sick as fuck and possibly die. | ||
| This is why when people say, oh, look, these shootings are happening today. | ||
| It's like you used to watch dead, blown up bodies roll by your home. | ||
| You used to, when you walked outside, you would walk up to your ankles in plague diarrhea. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks that people are getting shot right now, but it's nothing like what it used to be. | ||
| It's definitely nothing like what it used to be, but the numbers are so high that it seems like it's never-ending. | ||
| It's a torrent. | ||
| Because we're really not supposed to be paying attention to 7 billion people at the same time. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Or are we? | ||
| Or are we? | ||
| Or is this going to be how we fix it? | ||
| Is this going to be where people don't get ignored anymore? | ||
| Where you really have to take and pay attention to the assets of every single human being. | ||
| Assets meaning you as a person, an asset to civilization. | ||
| That all of them have to be accounted for. | ||
| And if they're not, if they feel disenfranchised, that's when you're going to have problems. | ||
| When they feel left out and they feel avoided, you're going to have fucking problems. | ||
| People don't get the love that they need from the jump. | ||
| On top of all the real serious mental illnesses that can plague people that just happen. | ||
| I knew a dude who went crazy. | ||
| You remember the dude, the Todd? | ||
| Do you remember the Todd? | ||
| You don't remember the Todd? | ||
| Yes, I actually met him once. | ||
| The Todd is responsible for me getting into the store. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because when I was doing... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yes! | ||
| Remember him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Friends of Pauly? | ||
| Great guy, man. | ||
| He was a comic, and he was on MTV back in the day, and he had been in. | ||
| And I went up, and I did a spot, and Mitzi... | ||
| She gave me non-paid regular status, which means I could go on after the show was over. | ||
| So I would go there every night and wait until 1 o'clock in the morning and get on. | ||
| It was alright. | ||
| It was better than nothing. | ||
| I was happy to have that. | ||
| But then I got a second chance to audition for her a couple months after that, and the Todd sat next to her on purpose and just laughed and laughed, and he kept slapping the table and saying that I was funny. | ||
| Because sometimes Mitzi needs to hear from other people too. | ||
| She's like, he's brilliant! | ||
| I mean, I was half the same material I did three months before. | ||
| But I was better then, I'm sure. | ||
| I'd gotten more comfortable with being at the store, and I'm sure I was nervous the first time. | ||
| Also, I think she also had her ear to the ground. | ||
| And if you were coming in there every night, she knew it. | ||
| Like, she knew it. | ||
| And she knew that was, like, part of a sign that somebody had potential. | ||
| I think it was more than just that instantaneous watching thing. | ||
| I think it's a combination of, like... | ||
| Sort of, but Todd actually set me hip that that's been used before, and he told me that that's the way I should get my friends in, too. | ||
| So that's what I started doing. | ||
| When McGuire did it, I sat right next to Mintzy and laughed hard at McGuire. | ||
| Anybody who ever was performing for her, I would make sure I sat right next to her and laughed hard. | ||
| Man, was that not the weirdest fucking thing, sitting next to Mitzi and then watching the comics come up and literally bow to her? | ||
| Comics would come up old school cult leader guru style, bow down, touch her, try to touch her, and she would do the Mitzi waveoid. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| Yeah, the Mitzi waveoid. | ||
| Get him out of here. | ||
| Okay, okay, honey, I'm watching a show. | ||
| Are you talking about Todd Rendren? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| He's a musician. | ||
| Why are we talking about him? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| No, he was from MTV back then. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You want me to say about Todd Rundgren? | ||
| He was married to the chick. | ||
| The Todd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Todd. | |
| What's Tyler's... | ||
| Steven Tyler? | ||
| His daughter. | ||
| Oh, Liv Tyler? | ||
| Liv Tyler's mother was living with that dude. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And the mother took her to see Aerosmith. | ||
| And Lou Tyler turned around and told the mother, that's my father. | ||
| For years they had Razor thinking it was Todd Rundgren. | ||
| But it was really Steven Tyler, but she wanted her to figure it out. | ||
| True story, bro. | ||
| Todd Rundgren's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's got some badass jam. | ||
| You've heard his jam. | ||
| What is his songs? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wish we could play some. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Just look up the names of what Todd Roderick did. | ||
| The fuck you can. | ||
| The fuck you can, dude. | ||
| If they can prove that you're making money off of it, you absolutely can't. | ||
| One thing, one thing. | ||
| I think there's something called fair use. | ||
| How does it work? | ||
| I think that if you... | ||
| Listen to Duncan. | ||
| He ain't got no legal experience. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is some stoner bullshit. | |
| Yeah, don't listen to me! | ||
| This is some stoner bullshit coming. | ||
| I smell it. | ||
| Fair use. | ||
| I smell hay. | ||
| Farts. | ||
| I heard that if you're making a commentary over a thing, there's some kind of area where it is okay to reprint stuff, but it's not in... | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I think you can do like... | ||
| There's seconds. | ||
| You can do like 10 seconds or something. | ||
| It's all worked out. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I wish we could release the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| We were talking about what I feel is the greatest guitar solo in the history of music. | ||
| Freebird. | ||
| I don't think anything can fuck with Freebird. | ||
| And we were playing Freebird, and we were just getting into the song about how crazy it was. | ||
| There's these dirty, stinky, long-haired dudes from Florida who are making this insane music, and all their songs were about getting away from girls. | ||
| All their songs. | ||
| Like, a huge percentage of their songs are like, I gotta be free. | ||
| They call me the breeze. | ||
| I'm out the door, bitch. | ||
| You take care. | ||
| They call me the breeze. | ||
| All their fucking songs are about getting away. | ||
| Give me two steps. | ||
| I mean, everything is like, I gotta get the fuck out of this town. | ||
| This shit got crazy. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| I'll be back next year. | ||
| It's so funny that we're writing songs about this ancient evolutionary thing encoded in our genetics, which is that you want to put as much DNA into as many people as you can. | ||
| But now people are actually... | ||
| Probably monkeys would sing the same song if they could. | ||
| Any kind of primate is kind of stuck in that awful predicament of having a genetic predisposition to spray jizz into as many... | ||
| Holes as possible. | ||
| It's just in there. | ||
| And then also the need to like start a family and love someone and be monogamous. | ||
| That's one of like the great internal wars that is raging around the world right now. | ||
| It's people trying to figure out how to deal with it. | ||
| How to reconcile those two. | ||
| How do you reconcile that shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also I think there's a certain amount of conflict that It sort of ensures movement. | ||
| It ensures a lot of activity. | ||
| And when you have two systems that are dueling it out, one trying to dominate the other, one trying to find a way through, whether it's through certain new words they introduce into the lexicon or the language, whether it's how they interact with each other. | ||
| But what they're trying to do is everyone's trying to get a little bit ahead. | ||
| Men are trying to get a little bit ahead of women. | ||
| Women are trying to get a little bit ahead of men. | ||
| Women who feel suppressed will try to suppress others. | ||
| Men who feel suppressed will try to do the same. | ||
| And there's this crazy battle going on. | ||
| And I think it's almost like designed that way. | ||
| Well, it's a culture of dishonesty. | ||
| Don't forget you're not allowed to say these things. | ||
| But it's also the culture that produces the most stuff creatively. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's a very positive spin on it, man. | ||
| I should say right now, that's not to discount any of the Europeans, Japanese, Asians, whatever, all the people all over the world that do creative shit. | ||
| But there's no denying the fact that the United States is responsible for an insane amount of influential pop culture. | ||
| From the 1950s to the present, Yeah. | ||
| Insane amounts. | ||
| Of course the Europeans, of course the Beatles and the Stones, and of course the Who, of course. | ||
| There's no denying that there was a million of them from the UK as well. | ||
| But when you count in stand-up comedy, when you count in music, all different kinds of music, there's a lot of weird shit that came out of the United States. | ||
| But do you think that's... | ||
| You're saying that that's coming from... | ||
| It's almost like there might be something to that. | ||
| The need to conquer. | ||
| The need to conquer the crazy genetics that led to these people being willing to get in ships and go halfway across the fucking world in a boat with fucking barrels of food that might be enough for everybody to eat and you might not get scurvy and you don't even have a fucking video that you can watch of what this place where you're gonna try to live in looks like and you're going over there with your kids. | ||
| Those are savages. | ||
| Those people were fucking crazy. | ||
| So you have that. | ||
| You have the legacy of these people. | ||
| And that's a part of it. | ||
| Like this desire to just move forward. | ||
| They're willing to take the most risks in order to get to America in the first place. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The people who came over here to, I guess, support your argument. | ||
| Many of the people who came over here were some of the... | ||
| Most sexually repressed people on earth because they were hardcore Christians. | ||
| This is like the scarlet letter. | ||
| This is like the body was something to be reviled. | ||
| I don't know if it's the repression that brings inspiration. | ||
| I've never been in a... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Maybe it is, though. | ||
| Because I can think of times where you're super horny or lonely, and that does produce... | ||
| Think about music, man. | ||
| Where's music coming from? | ||
| Where's the greatest music coming from? | ||
| It's coming from fucking pain, man. | ||
| Coming from fucking pain. | ||
| The blues, baby. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| There's some classic songs. | ||
| You're My Favorite Mistake. | ||
| You ever heard that Sheryl Crow song? | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Tremendous guitar. | ||
| First of all, god damn that bitch could sing. | ||
| She had this like soft, warm voice that's like a hug that you get through your ears. | ||
| It's like this loving voice that she has. | ||
| And she's talking about this relationship that's just falling apart and that you're my favorite mistake. | ||
| And you hear the emotions and the love through her voice. | ||
| You gotta have pain to feel that, man. | ||
| You gotta have pain to understand it. | ||
| You gotta have pain to be able to relate to it. | ||
| You've gotta have experienced that. | ||
| If you're some fresh-faced pup who's never skid his knee and never had a family member die, you don't know what the fuck the possibilities of the world are. | ||
| You can't appreciate the full spectrum because you don't know how low the lows can get. | ||
| Your lows are pretty fucking high. | ||
| So when you do hit a low, it makes you appreciate the days that are high. | ||
| You know, I was just reading this book called Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism and it's by this Tibetan monk named Chogyam Trungpa who was just writing about this thing that you're saying and he was saying disappointment. | ||
| Disappointment is one of the great states to be in for growth and for spirituality because disappointment means you're having a contact with truth. | ||
| It generally means you're having a contact with truth. | ||
| Something has gone against your expectation, which is how the universe works, and then you find yourself in what he describes as like just the rocky terrain of truth. | ||
| So now the relationship that you thought might work out, but you knew it wouldn't, it didn't. | ||
| Or your mom has died. | ||
| Or you just put your dog to sleep. | ||
| Now you're experiencing reality. | ||
| You're experiencing the fact that you are in a maelstrom of atoms that will inevitably dissipate into nothingness. | ||
| And that is a really intense fucking place to be in. | ||
| But he doesn't say stay in a place of disappointment. | ||
| He says that to move past that place into the next place, which is the incredible peace and joy that comes from recognizing that you're part of this infinite, non-ending Changing, beautiful thing, you've got to recognize the first part, which is you're not going to last. | ||
| Nothing's going to last. | ||
| No one you know is going to survive this thing. | ||
| Everything that you've ever said will be lost in time. | ||
| We are all part of an infinite, shifting, changing thing, and what's causing you the problems It's your desire to hold on to a form. | ||
| To hold on to the idea of this is who I am. | ||
| This is how things are always going to be. | ||
| This is going to last forever. | ||
| That conception will always cause you pain. | ||
| If you have a hangover? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you're having a terrible trip and you start thinking, Freaking out forever, man! | ||
| That will only make the trip worse. | ||
| And if you're with someone you love and you think, I'm going to be with this person forever, you're setting yourself up for some pretty severe disappointment. | ||
| Because you won't. | ||
| And so, that disappointment that comes from realizing that, that's the place where you start growing. | ||
| Hare Krishna. | ||
| I just got disappointed. | ||
| I just got disappointed. | ||
| Why are you freaking me out, Dr. Trussell? | ||
| You're fucking with me, Dr. Trussell. | ||
| You're fucking with my head, Dr. Trussell. | ||
| I walked in here, the sun was out. | ||
| I don't think we all need it. | ||
| There's an old expression that a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a fool learns from his own. | ||
| I don't know if we need to have massive fucking chaos for people to understand and appreciate how cool life can be, but it helps. | ||
| And the people that I know that are the most interesting all had fucked up lives. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| All had fucked up lives. | ||
| Nobody here in this room was on the Brady Bunch. | ||
| Well, it gets you out there, man. | ||
| It's like, you know, you always hear about people who get cancer. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, they're skydiving. | ||
| They're, like, running from the bulls. | ||
| They're doing anything they want. | ||
| They're fucking guys, right? | ||
| They're telling the truth. | ||
| They're telling the truth. | ||
| And that's really... | ||
| I think that's a tragic thing in the sense that for people to actually start appreciating their existence, they have to be dying. | ||
| You know, dying is within a year. | ||
| We're all dying. | ||
| But it's like suddenly when you wake up to the fact that you're dying, that's when you actually are born. | ||
| And a lot of people don't get that. | ||
| Yeah, there's that wake-up call. | ||
| There's that reality check. | ||
| When this is the real game, this is the real shit, man. | ||
| And you're really affecting people. | ||
| Well, it's so easy to get complacent. | ||
| It's so easy to just get lazy. | ||
| It's so easy to just look at life and not appreciate the fuck out of this crazy ride we're on. | ||
| Especially us. | ||
| We're on the craziest ride of all. | ||
| The ride of the professional comedian. | ||
| We get drugs from the audience. | ||
| We tell jokes and they give us drugs. | ||
| Like the drug of laughter. | ||
| That's a drug. | ||
| We're all addicted to it. | ||
| The drug of killing... | ||
| You know, man, I think it's a crazy ride, but I think if you have been blasted out of a pussy onto this planet, you're having a crazy ride. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| There's no way to not have a crazy ride. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz just yawned and Brian put it on camera. | |
| Why are you talking to me about rides behind Trussell? | ||
| I'm going to ride back home to my bed. | ||
| You keep talking, cocksucker. | ||
| Bro, fuck you. | ||
| You two fucking hippies. | ||
| You just started smoking weed a week ago. | ||
| He would say that for the first, like, ten years. | ||
| Joe Rogan, you've been smoking weed for a year. | ||
| You've been smoking weed for two years. | ||
| Joe Rogan, you've been smoking weed for three years. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Joe Rogan, it's only been ten years. | ||
| You don't even know about weed yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four more years, then you understand the nuance, the subtleties. | |
| Thirty years. | ||
| The fucking S's, the buttois of the weed. | ||
| Fifty years. | ||
| Rogan, it's been fucking half your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a whole half of your life you did without weed, so shut the fuck up. | |
| You did. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing what you did do without the weed. | ||
| Like, now they shut it off for a while. | ||
| God help. | ||
| Let's see what would really happen. | ||
| God praise Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Praise Zeus and praise Odin for Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Because if it wasn't for him, I would have never started smoking weed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I thought it was for losers. | ||
| That'd be so weird to see the difference in your life. | ||
| Yeah, I'd probably be way more aggro. | ||
| It's a beneficial substance, man. | ||
| And that's the real problem that I have with people that want to go on and on about people who are addicted to it. | ||
| I love Dr. Drew. | ||
| I think he's a good person. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| But whenever I hear him talk about people being addicted to weed, I'm like, let's get all those people that are addicted to it in a room and find out what the fuck else is going on. | ||
| I guarantee you, you shouldn't blame weed. | ||
| It's not a physically addictive thing. | ||
| I always feel something. | ||
| I always feel that You have an addictive personality. | ||
| You know, we've discussed when you were on The Kong. | ||
| What's the name? | ||
| Quake. | ||
| Quake. | ||
| And you were dropping this on me. | ||
| And I'm like, where's this coming from, Joe? | ||
| And you were like, dog, you don't know? | ||
| I used to leave you guys at the store. | ||
| I'd go home. | ||
| I'd play until 7 in the morning. | ||
| And for people to recognize that, that's where the gift comes in. | ||
| Because somebody would write that off, like that's just what he does every fucking night. | ||
| And it's weird how I've always believed, especially for me, it's always been the transfer of addictions. | ||
| Okay, and at the end of the game, here's the simplest way to solution. | ||
| If you're gonna have a fucking night addiction, you might as well let it be the cheapest and the less harmful. | ||
| And in my eyes, it's always been the weed. | ||
| You know, it makes me better at night when I write. | ||
| It calms me down to daytime. | ||
| You know, whatever I make it believe that it does, it fucking does. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not a make-believe thing, man. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I know you. | ||
| I see what happens when you get high. | ||
| Well, first of all, I never see you sober. | ||
| No, you see me sober. | ||
| Three times. | ||
| No, you see me sober. | ||
| I documented them. | ||
| I wrote them down. | ||
| I believe Joey Diaz is sober. | ||
| And I look at his pocket. | ||
| He's got empty Chibachew wrappers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chibachew. | |
| I might be incorrect. | ||
| Sober is a relative term. | ||
| But it's really weird. | ||
| Sometimes I go, you know what? | ||
| Monday I'm not going to smoke nothing or eat nothing. | ||
| And by Tuesday, it's not like I'm jonesing. | ||
| I'll just find myself with a joint at 5 in the afternoon when I'm writing something. | ||
| But I like it. | ||
| Guys, out of all the addictions, whether it's going to strip clubs, drinking, gambling, I could have been hooked on a thousand fucking things. | ||
| We ended up with reefer. | ||
| I enjoy it as a ritual. | ||
| I enjoy it as a ritual before I write. | ||
| I enjoy it as a ritual before we do podcasts. | ||
| I like it as a ritual. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It signifies that we're going to shut off our phones and get into this space. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whether it's the space of doing stand-up or the space of writing or the space of doing a podcast. | ||
| I like it in that way. | ||
| But I also like the effects. | ||
| The effects are undeniable, man, for me. | ||
| That introspective aspect of it that you talked about earlier is so important. | ||
| Very important. | ||
| I've been talking about it on stage, the term paranoia. | ||
| You know, the people are like, I don't like weed, it makes me paranoid. | ||
| I'm like, you really should be paranoid if you're paying attention. | ||
| You really want to just open yourself up to all the possibilities. | ||
| It's insanity out there. | ||
| Everywhere you go, you're a bag of blood. | ||
| A fleshy bag that's holding a couple of gallons of blood. | ||
| And if any of it spills out, you're fucking doomed. | ||
| And you're running around in metal boxes. | ||
| Everybody's flying by going 60 plus miles an hour. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| They're running over motorcycles. | ||
| You see that shit in New York? | ||
| You see that shit? | ||
| In front of his kid. | ||
| Well, hey, there was some craziness that went on. | ||
| I don't know who started what or who did what, but I know that that dude ran over a guy on a bike. | ||
| I'm going to bet it was the bikers. | ||
| Could have been. | ||
| However, how he handled it might have been incorrect also. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| The guy got, apparently someone slowed down in front of him and he bumped the bike. | ||
| And then the guy stopped his bike. | ||
| And the assumption is that the guy did it on purpose being a dick. | ||
| And he was trying to box in this guy in the truck and make him slow down. | ||
| We also don't know what their interaction was before this video started. | ||
| We don't know if this had been going on for a while. | ||
| Like maybe the biker panicked and cut someone off. | ||
| The biker was an Asian driver. | ||
| I'm not saying that Asian drivers are terrible. | ||
| But a lot of Asian drivers are terrible. | ||
| Are we in agreement on this? | ||
| Yeah, but that doesn't mean a gang of bikers. | ||
| It's not that all of them are terrible, but that is the goddamn stereotype. | ||
| And I'm not saying that this guy's responsible. | ||
| That's the goddamn stereotype. | ||
| It's like 99.9%. | ||
| It's the goddamn stereotype. | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| And it's not 100% true, of course. | ||
| Just like it's not 100% true that all Italians beat their wives. | ||
| And me being Italian, I can say that. | ||
| But the reality is, is that this guy, in the video, drives over, they're yelling at him, and he drives over this bike and drives over a guy and broke his body. | ||
| I mean, the guy, he drove over him with a fucking SUV. I don't know if that had to have happened. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what happened before that. | ||
| I certainly think it's a terrible tragedy on both ends, that the guy in the car got beat up and that the guy got ran over. | ||
| It's a terrible tragedy, but... | ||
| Besides my horrible racist Asian joke, which I apologize for profusely, I was just joking around and making a point, but I don't know what happened. | ||
| I really don't know what happened. | ||
| So what I'm looking at, I look at a guy who drove over somebody, and then I looked at another guy who went insane and beat the guy's window in while he has a baby in the car. | ||
| So to me, it says tragedy on both sides. | ||
| It's a tragedy. | ||
| It's a tragedy of overreacting on both sides, for sure. | ||
| A horrible tragedy. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| Horrible tragedy that the guy got pulled out of his car and beat up. | ||
| Horrible tragedy that... | ||
| Did the guy get pulled out of his car and get beat up? | ||
| He got pulled out, he got beat up, he got cut up. | ||
| Slashed his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there was all this glass that broke, too, because the guy broke the window. | ||
| He's breaking the window with his helmet. | ||
| He's smashing the window with his helmet. | ||
| The whole thing's crazy. | ||
| They threw a spike strip out. | ||
| Did they really? | ||
| That's what I read. | ||
| What's a spike strip? | ||
| Popped his tires. | ||
| Who threw it out? | ||
| The bikers. | ||
| They had a spike strip on them? | ||
| That's what I read. | ||
| Okay, you are not Googling this. | ||
| You're not even trying to substantiate this. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| Okay, I will pull it up. | ||
| Okay, bikers threw down spike strip. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| You know, I'm watching this, and I'm thinking, you know, you, your wife, your kid... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I know. | ||
| There was tinted windows, so they might not be able to see that this guy had his wife and his kid in the car. | ||
| It doesn't say that, Duncan. | ||
| I read it. | ||
| And did it have license plates on that thing? | ||
| Biker brawl. | ||
| They popped his tires. | ||
| That's why he couldn't keep going. | ||
| No, apparently someone stabbed his tire. | ||
| That was one of the... | ||
| Oh, maybe that's what I read. | ||
| One of the... | ||
| That's not real, Brian. | ||
| You can't trick me. | ||
| I know what a video game looks like, you fuck. | ||
| It looks pretty goddamn good, though. | ||
| Look how good that looks. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Like, the textures of the road. | ||
| It's so beautiful. | ||
| Oh, show the time lapse. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| The time lapse of Grand Theft Auto? | ||
| I'm so fascinated. | ||
| I'm never going to get into this game. | ||
| I cannot do it because it looks like it's too good. | ||
| Have you not played it at all? | ||
| No, I know me, man. | ||
| I don't fuck around. | ||
| I know me. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| Oculus Rift thing and Quake. | ||
| Like I said, I know me, bitch. | ||
| Quake is supposed to be Oculus Rift friendly. | ||
| I feel like at all the things... | ||
| I'm allowing myself, at all the things that get me crazy addicted, I'm allowing myself to just fuck with pool. | ||
| Because pool is... | ||
| I think I get something out of it that I don't get out of video games. | ||
| I get a body calmness, because it's all about... | ||
| Meditating on the distance that the ball is going to go and calming yourself down and putting yourself into a very sensitive state where you're playing. | ||
| I don't get that from video games. | ||
| So when I looked at it objectively, I'm like, like Joey said, you got addictions, you know, you got to pick which is the best one. | ||
| And for me, the best one is pool. | ||
| This is a time lapse. | ||
| Come to your own thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How nice is it to go to a... | ||
| I mean, I don't even like nice pool halls. | ||
| If I'm going to go to a pool hall, I want to see it for what it is, but I don't want stupidity. | ||
| Like hard times? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| You ever go to hard times with me? | ||
| You ever been to hard times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Where have we gone? | ||
| We went to the old Hollywood Billiards, which was awesome. | ||
| Right, we went to the place in New York City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I miss that place. | |
| 10 years ago, 20 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| In Manhattan, then we went somewhere else. | ||
| That was Chelsea. | ||
| We went to Chelsea Billiards. | ||
| That was Chelsea Billiards after... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Chelsea Billiards after... | ||
| I think it had already changed names. | ||
| Chelsea Billiards was the legendary place. | ||
| Sometimes you'll see me wear this jacket. | ||
| It's like a varsity jacket. | ||
| It says Chelsea Billiards in the back. | ||
| You've seen that. | ||
| At all-time great pool halls for pool hustlers in action, that's the greatest, or one of the greatest, next to hard times in California, one of the greatest in the history of the world. | ||
| That place was a 24-hour pool hall. | ||
| Where half the people in there, you'd go at 3 o'clock in the morning, half the people in there were vagrants that could rob you. | ||
| I mean rob you playing pool. | ||
| They could get out. | ||
| Homeless dudes who knew how to fucking get out. | ||
| They knew how to play safe. | ||
| They knew how to fuck you up. | ||
| They would get you on those tables, especially what they would call a gaff table. | ||
| There's a table where one pocket rolls to the right, and if you know that pocket rolls to the right, you could put someone in a position where they don't think they can make the ball, but they can, and you know it. | ||
| Little shit things like you can scratch on shots where you don't think you can. | ||
| If you know a table, especially what they call a gaff table, it's huge. | ||
| Very important if you're a pool player. | ||
| Home team advantage. | ||
| They would just rob people. | ||
| They would rob people. | ||
| But there was also really high stakes gambling between high level pros too. | ||
| Really interesting stuff to watch. | ||
| Both the drunks getting robbed by the hustlers and then the real big sharks come in and they would match up and put the money on the light and You know, you're in the middle of fucking New York City, dude. | ||
| It's 4 o'clock in the morning and dudes are playing for $10,000. | ||
| And when you're a kid and you're watching that, you know, it's some exciting shit. | ||
| That was a part, for me, it was like being a part of this really rare underground society that I knew was not going to last very long. | ||
| I'm like, this crazy 24-hour pool hall life where people are players and they're gambling and they're bringing their own money and they're matching up and barking at each other. | ||
| You ain't got no heart. | ||
| That's a crazy underground world. | ||
| These guys were making a living paying their bills completely off the grid. | ||
| No taxes. | ||
| No taxes. | ||
| Stop, stop, stop. | ||
| I'm staying at this fucking boarding house down the street. | ||
| I'm in a house with 10 other dudes. | ||
| I got my pool cue. | ||
| I put it under my blanket when I sleep. | ||
| I get up in the morning and I go down to Chelsea. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| These guys were living there. | ||
| They were getting an education in this gangster life at this 24-hour pool hall. | ||
| I know several dudes who got arrested while I was playing there. | ||
| One dude who was a three-card money champion. | ||
| He was a bad motherfucker at three-card money. | ||
| He's a slick Puerto Rican dude. | ||
| He would go out and just have all these dumb white people from Nebraska that had never been to New York City before. | ||
| And he would be doing this three-card money shit. | ||
| And this was all before the internet. | ||
| And they couldn't, you know, there were a Come on, right up here, sir. | ||
| You look like a winner. | ||
| You look like you know how to play a game, my friend. | ||
| Come on over here, dawg. | ||
| How much money you got on you, my friend? | ||
| My friend, where you from? | ||
| You got a beautiful suit. | ||
| That's a beautiful suit. | ||
| Is that Armani? | ||
| What is that, bro? | ||
| Yo, that's beautiful. | ||
| Hey, listen, man. | ||
| This is a game called Three Car Armani. | ||
| We just like to have a little fun here in New York City, especially people coming for the first time. | ||
| No, they're showing it to you. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| They're showing it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Real simple. | ||
| And now they're giving it to you, Duncan. | ||
| They're giving it to you. | ||
| Guess it. | ||
| I'll give you a couple free ones. | ||
| Guess it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You would have just won some money. | ||
| And all of a sudden, there's a partner next to him. | ||
| So how do we do it? | ||
| You see the partner getting closer to him. | ||
| Yeah, I got the black thing right. | ||
| He had a P. And Duncan, he's showing it to you. | ||
| And the next thing you know, Duncan, it all goes to hell. | ||
| Well, there's the cups and there's also three-card money. | ||
| There's the cups where you're trying to figure out who is far. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| There's three-card money. | ||
| All of a sudden, the 20 goes down. | ||
| And the guy wins. | ||
| And the next 20 goes down again, and the guy doubles his money. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Now he gets the guy from Nebraska to come in and throw 40, and he even wins. | ||
| And the wife is like, do it again, do it again, because everybody wants to come to New York. | ||
| You ever seen a guy try to walk away with the one victory? | ||
| Yo, they will attack you. | ||
| So what they do is, they get that table going. | ||
| This is a table, Duncan. | ||
| So right there, they'd have two guys sucked in and one of their own. | ||
| So you'd be working with me. | ||
| And you're 20, you'd be doubling up. | ||
| You already won 120. But I know I got three people in the audience that I'm hypnotizing. | ||
| That I'm letting them know they're going to win. | ||
| They just come to New York. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I got $200 in my pocket. | ||
| If I double it, that's $400. | ||
| I mean, this is how you're thinking right there. | ||
| This is a do or die situation. | ||
| And all of a sudden, right there, when they got you, boom, the black, bam! | ||
| They take up $1,200, the Puerto Rican yells to the police, and they take their money, and three tourists are like, what the fuck? | ||
| And they're gone. | ||
| Just happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| And the guy's got a carton, like a bottom of a carton for cans, and he just throws it up in the air, and that's it. | ||
| That's their residence. | ||
| It's a carton. | ||
| The three cups are gone, and the beans in their fucking mouth, and they're walking on the street, and there ain't no fucking cops. | ||
| And they're all gone in different directions. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| And now they hook up again, and I will lay it at the same place, and they do that same scam again. | ||
| They would do that five times, make six grand. | ||
| That's how good it was. | ||
| I got caught in one one day with a buddy of mine. | ||
| They took me for a 20. The guy was yelling at me. | ||
| Next thing you know, the guys I was with laid out 20 apiece. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| 60 bucks. | ||
| And next thing you know, boom, the police. | ||
| They blow a whistle. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| The cops, everybody runs. | ||
| They got your money. | ||
| Fucking tremendous, man. | ||
| You know, when you made that turn on 42nd Street, it was, when you were 13 or 12, it was something that, Ari says that when you walk around today, you walk past people. | ||
| You know, and all of a sudden, under their breath, they'll go, weed. | ||
| And like five feet, you look around, they look at you, and all of a sudden, they come back up to you. | ||
| It was completely different. | ||
| When you cut that corner on 42nd Street, Duncan, you'd hear every drug in the world. | ||
| Weed, marijuana, THC, joints, loose joints, acid, acido. | ||
| Because that's acid in Spanish. | ||
| Acido. | ||
| Fucking acido. | ||
| Fucking marijuana, heroin, cocaína, perico. | ||
| If I was stupid rich, like Bill Gates rich, I would buy Chelsea Billiards and I would reinstate it. | ||
| I would bring it back. | ||
| I'd make it 24 hours a day. | ||
| I'd make it the last bastion of the pool house. | ||
| Is it open? | ||
| It's like some faux pool hall now where they have red cloth and fucking shiny lights and they play horrible music that makes you want to throw up. | ||
| If you go to a pool hall and not play in classic rock, turn around. | ||
| Turn around and leave. | ||
| Just if you walk in, if you don't hear some Leonard Skinner, some Aerosmith, if you don't hear Sweet Home Alabama, get out of there. | ||
| Because they got red cloth, and you're playing on buckets, and no one's leveled these fucking tables. | ||
| It's a disaster. | ||
| It's not a real pool. | ||
| And the only dinner you can get is an old hamburger or a fucking bag of fries. | ||
| The place that I used to play at in White Plains, New York got turned into a disco. | ||
| It's basically a disco now. | ||
| It was executive billiards. | ||
| Executive billiards in White Plains. | ||
| Right down the street from Nicky's Pizza. | ||
| The greatest white pizza the earth has ever known. | ||
| If you want to get off your gluten-free diet, go to fucking White Plains, New York. | ||
| Go to Nicky's Pizza and get the white pizza. | ||
| It's got white cheese on it, ricotta cheese with garlic and olive oil. | ||
| And it will knock your dick right into the cat litter box. | ||
| It's unfucking believably good. | ||
| That sounds bad. | ||
| It's better than dick in the dirt. | ||
| I was struggling for a metaphor. | ||
| Dick in a cat litter box. | ||
| That sounds bad. | ||
| It's better than your dick in a pile of cat shit and piss. | ||
| Those crumbs sticking to the tip of your helmet. | ||
| The place was a great place back in the day, in the 90s. | ||
| That was the spot. | ||
| Pool hustlers would come in from all over the world. | ||
| They would make stops in New York. | ||
| If they were in the New York area, there were a few places they would play. | ||
| One of them was they would always check in an executive. | ||
| My buddy owned the place, so he'd be on the phone. | ||
| They'd get a call in the middle of the day. | ||
| He's polishing balls and shit, and he'd get a call that Jake the Snake is in town. | ||
| You know, there's this dude, Jake the Snake, who played One Pocket, and you'd come down, and, you know, they would call George the Greek, this guy wants to play One Pocket, and he'd say, this motherfucker's got no heart! | ||
| And then everybody would meet up at the pool hall at like 10 o'clock at night, and you'd see the dude practicing, knocking balls around the table, like, oh shit, it's going down. | ||
| And they would put this big stack of money, and there was this guido gangster dude who was always there, who had a gun, just in case somebody tried to rob a steak. | ||
| It was a fucking crazy place to be a part of. | ||
| Sounds cool. | ||
| Oh, it was fucking... | ||
| It was Runyon-esque. | ||
| It was a movie. | ||
| I mean, it was like a crazy movie about the Depression, except there was no Depression. | ||
| It was just going to diners and watching guys gamble their life away, and me being a visitor in the world. | ||
| I was not really a player. | ||
| I couldn't play that good. | ||
| I played okay. | ||
| Like, for a regular person, I played amazing. | ||
| But for these guys, I would play, and I would always lose, and I've never... | ||
| I won like one or two tournaments ever. | ||
| Most of the time I would lose. | ||
| I'd have to get really lucky to win. | ||
| So I got the chance to see these people who lived entirely off of this one crazy game. | ||
| That's all they did. | ||
| All they talked about was the different conditions of the cloth and what kind of chalk are you using and what fucking tip have you got. | ||
| You got a sniper on this motherfucker? | ||
| When did you get this sniper? | ||
| Is that better? | ||
| Everybody's trying to constantly figure out an edge. | ||
| Because they're playing a game where their life, whether they eat or not, whether they go hungry, whether they have money for a hotel room, is all based on... | ||
| Fractions of an inch. | ||
| Whether a ball rolls slightly to the left too far or bumps the other ball and gets in the perfect position. | ||
| The fucking differences between those things are the tiniest fraction on the cue ball of where you hit it. | ||
| And they're obsessed with it, obsessed with the movements and just trying to live off those movements. | ||
| That gives me an anxiety attack. | ||
| It's madness! | ||
| But it's also beautiful. | ||
| When you watch it done right, it's an art form. | ||
| That's what people don't understand about the game. | ||
| When people say, oh, you're fucking boring, you talk about pool, it's just so fucking boring. | ||
| To me, it's not. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| It's one of those things, when you appreciate it, when you know how difficult it is to do, then it becomes an art form. | ||
| Like StarCraft. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| When you talk about StarCraft, I go blank. | ||
| Because I have no point of reference. | ||
| I don't understand the game. | ||
| I've never tried to... | ||
| I'm terrified of it. | ||
| I see you. | ||
| I see you fucking start sweating when you talk about it. | ||
| I see your face starts sunken in like your body's trying to conserve water. | ||
| I've quit. | ||
| Because you know you're not going to be... | ||
| Your body... | ||
| You say Starcraft and your body goes into like the hibernative state where it knows it's not going to get nutrition for the next six hours. | ||
| You really stay here for three days, don't you? | ||
| What? | ||
| You would stay here for three days. | ||
| I quit. | ||
| I didn't quit because of the addiction. | ||
| I quit because they demoted me to Bronze League again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm not dealing with that shit anymore. | ||
| I'm like number 75 in Bronze League. | ||
| I'd made it up to the silver. | ||
| Listen, man, your ego reveals you, my brother. | ||
| Why do you give a fuck if you're in Bronze League? | ||
| Because it's you being Bronze League, Joe. | ||
| It's an insult. | ||
| I wouldn't even be in Bronze League. | ||
| I'm getting beaten by toddlers. | ||
| I would be in aluminum. | ||
| I would be in scrap aluminum. | ||
| It means I'm playing against fourth graders who are crushing me. | ||
| That's alright. | ||
| At least you're playing against somebody. | ||
| Why are you ageist? | ||
| It's a young man's sport. | ||
| You're an ageist, patriarchal asshole. | ||
| Your male ageist privilege is showing. | ||
| You basically hate women. | ||
| Put it in your blog. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You basically hate women. | ||
| I'm going to have to blog about you, Duncan Trussell. | ||
| You hate women and you're an ageist. | ||
| I love women. | ||
| I hate Bronze League. | ||
| I don't say I love women. | ||
| You know what I say? | ||
| I love nice women. | ||
| I don't say I love men either. | ||
| There's a lot of men that are cunts. | ||
| A lot of men suck. | ||
| Remember when we were talking about Bigfoot? | ||
| Somebody actually killed them. | ||
| They didn't just kill one... | ||
| No, don't show that! | ||
| That's a spoiler! | ||
| Don't spoil it, dude! | ||
| That's a spoiler! | ||
| Hey, don't spoil it. | ||
| Duncan thinks it's important to not spoil it. | ||
| I'm not looking at it. | ||
| Show it to me offline. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Brian doesn't even care. | ||
| This is insubordination. | ||
| If this was any other company, if he was working for any other company besides the Death Squad affiliated company like the Freak Party... | ||
| Sit right here. | ||
| He gets him. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, bro. | ||
| I don't want to see him shoot Bigfoot. | ||
| Bigfoot's probably a man. | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| He's so sad. | ||
| Shoot me, human. | ||
| Yeah, that is sad. | ||
| Let's put something happy to balance this out. | ||
| Pull up the Godzilla trailer. | ||
| Dude, they have Oppenheimer quoting the Bhagavad Gita. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| It's brilliant. | ||
| Find it. | ||
| You've got to find it. | ||
| It's on Dailymotion. | ||
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| If you go to my Twitter, it's one of the most recent posts. | ||
| But it's the trailer for the new Godzilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And oh, motherfucker, does this look good. | |
| I can't wait to see it. | ||
| I got a three-quarter staff just watching the first ten seconds of the trailer. | ||
| I didn't even know it was out. | ||
| I was just like, oh, they're doing it right. | ||
| They're doing it right. | ||
| It's not out. | ||
| Apparently, it's a concept. | ||
| And they're building it right now. | ||
| But it's a Warner Brothers... | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| A property? | ||
| Check this shit out, son. | ||
| Are you giving... | ||
| Full attention? | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Yeah. - He knew the world would not be the same. | |
| Few people cried. | ||
| Most people were silent. | ||
| We're looking at smashed buildings. | ||
| You can find it online, folks. | ||
| You can't stop the internet. | ||
| You can't take pee out of the ocean. | ||
| Tower 7. I don't know why they're trying to remove this for some reason. | ||
| Like, it's on YouTube sites, it's pulled down. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| That's some ancient dumbass thinking. | ||
| That's some executives that don't get. | ||
| show us this motherfucker | ||
|
unidentified
|
now I am become death the destroyer of worlds so | |
| Listen, if that doesn't get your dick hard, move to France. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Get the fuck out of America. | ||
| If that doesn't get your dick hard, quit. | ||
| Meanwhile, Japanese invented Godzilla. | ||
| By the way, this is a parody of a really racist, nationalistic American. | ||
| It comes out in 2014. That looks so fucking good. | ||
| Well, just the attitude that they have in creating that clip. | ||
| You've got Oppenheimer talking about the Bhagavad Gita. | ||
| Oppenheimer, for folks who don't know, is the guy who was the most critical aspect. | ||
| The Manhattan Project was a huge project, obviously. | ||
| But the most critical aspect was Oppenheimer. | ||
| He's credited as being the guy who figured out how to make a fucking atomic bomb. | ||
| Yeah, that is an incredible verse, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds. | |
| That is so badass. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to be intense. | ||
| So, Bigfoot's dead, and there you go. | ||
| There's a bunch of people who say they've found Bigfoot this week. | ||
| There's a new video of Bigfoot, and we won't even show it because I'm not going to fucking insult you. | ||
| The shit is ridiculous. | ||
| That's not it, dude. | ||
| This is more... | ||
| That ain't even Bigfoot. | ||
| Bigfoot doesn't have titties like that. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Is this Grand Theft Auto? | ||
| Oh, Bigfoot's got a mask. | ||
| This is fucking a huge spoiler, dude. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Brian, that's so rude. | ||
| I hope somebody actually just used the Grand Theft Auto engine to create that and it wasn't real. | ||
| This is the sleeping Bigfoot. | ||
| And it's a female. | ||
| How do they know it's a female? | ||
| Well, they smell this pussy. | ||
| They smell their pussy a mile away. | ||
| It smells like a tuna that got hit with a musket. | ||
| It's fucking lying out there in the middle of the woods. | ||
| What do you think it sounds like? | ||
| It must be a female. | ||
| A male can't smell that fishy. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is a piece of... | ||
| Baby Bigfoot. | ||
| Shit that they found. | ||
| Yeah, that's mountain lion shit. | ||
| It's got elk hair in it. | ||
| Dumb cunts. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| I've only been hunting for a year. | ||
| I can tell you what the fuck that is. | ||
| I might be wrong, by the way. | ||
| I'm very confident. | ||
| Don't mistake that for being accurate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Well, these people are crazy as fuck. | ||
| Todd Disotel, who's a professor at NYU, who we had on that podcast. | ||
| If there's one thing that we answered on the Joe Rogan questions everything, it's not whether or not Bigfoot is real, but it's whether or not the evidence that has been purported to be Bigfoot DNA is... | ||
| Has been acquired in the most non-contaminated way? | ||
| And that answer is clearly no. | ||
| There's not a direct chain of command between finding this and documenting the fact these guys wore rubber gloves, they had masks on, they picked this up with tweezers. | ||
| When you find human DNA, it's amazing how easy it is for humans to get DNA on shit now. | ||
| They can get DNA. If you sneeze, if you breathe, if you touch something with your sweaty skin, You get human DNA on things. | ||
| It's incredible how sensitive these pieces of equipment are. | ||
| So when you get some fucking piece of shit that a hunter found in the woods, this is a Squatch turd! | ||
| Squatch came by, shit on my elk carcass! | ||
| You don't know what the fuck happened before that thing got to you. | ||
| And when you start testing it, it's very irresponsible scientifically. | ||
| So whether or not these people are telling the truth, I believe they are. | ||
| I believe they really believe that it's a Bigfoot turd. | ||
| Whether or not, or hair, or whatever the fuck they claim they have, or many pieces of evidence they claim they have. | ||
| The real problem is all of them have been extracted from the crime scenes unscientifically. | ||
| So me, as executive producer, Duncan Trussell's co-host of Joe Rogan Questions Everything, we say, go fuck yourself. | ||
| That shit ain't real, son. | ||
| That's a fucking chick with a Sasquatch costume on? | ||
| You say that. | ||
| I really don't think anyone thinks it's real, though. | ||
| Even the news, when they showed it on the news, they were like, oh, here we go again. | ||
| Oh, that's not true. | ||
| I saw some dummies that were being interviewed that seemed like they really believed in it. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| There was a few dummies that really acted like they believed in it. | ||
| I don't know the answer, man. | ||
| That's what I learned from the show. | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| And anytime I think I know something, it always turns out to be something wrong. | ||
| And generally, if I let myself just be in the state of not knowing, things get a lot more interesting anyway. | ||
| I don't know if there's a Bigfoot. | ||
| There could be a Bigfoot anywhere. | ||
| There could be underground. | ||
| They could live in the earth like hornets in a hive. | ||
| You know what's more likely than Bigfoot? | ||
| Is that little tiny person thing? | ||
| That orange pen deck? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's more likely. | ||
| They found these motherfuckers 14,000 years old, Joey. | ||
| Three feet tall, hobbit dudes. | ||
| They had spears. | ||
| They might have actually found them on the island of Flores. | ||
| They're called the Homo floriensis or something like that. | ||
| They were alive 14,000 years ago. | ||
| That ain't shit. | ||
| And they have legends about these little people who could fly. | ||
| Or they rode birds or something. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| How about those giant fucking- They figured out how to fucking kidnap eagles. | ||
| How about those giant wasps? | ||
| Insane. | ||
| Killing people in China. | ||
| And by the way, this was like a week after we were talking about wasps on a podcast with Josh Barnett. | ||
| Josh Barnett's obsessed with wasps. | ||
| How crazy gangster wasps are. | ||
| And they could just fucking, they kill everything. | ||
| They kill tarantulas. | ||
| There's videos of wasps fucking up tarantulas. | ||
| Because wasps can keep stinging. | ||
| Have you ever been stung by a wasp? | ||
| They can kill you. | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I have. | ||
| It is awful. | ||
| The ones you're seeing, these Chinese ones or Japanese ones, these are giant. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| These are enormous wasps. | ||
| Their stingers are like hypodermic needles, man. | ||
| They're just punching holes in Chinese people. | ||
| Well, they're the size of a small mouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| It's the size of a handle. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Look at the size of that guy's hand or girl's hand. | ||
| Gal. | ||
| Should we say gal? | ||
| I don't want to offend anybody. | ||
| You can say las. | ||
| Lass. | ||
| Young maiden. | ||
| I think it's a dude. | ||
| It looks like a dude. | ||
| I hope whoever they are, they're not sensitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so tired of people being so needy. | |
| Can you imagine getting swarmed by one of those things? | ||
| Well, they've killed 42 people and injured 160 plus in China over the past few months. | ||
| Well, they don't know what's going on, but they're fucking huge. | ||
| I know what's going on. | ||
| A portal's opened up to hell, and those things are climbing out of it. | ||
| The apocalypse is a slow-moving event. | ||
| It's glacier-like. | ||
| It's not like an asteroid. | ||
| The apocalypse. | ||
| There's no apocalypse. | ||
| Listen, cocksucker, you wanna smell my ass? | ||
| That's the apocalypse. | ||
| I'll pull my pants down. | ||
| I'll unleash that In-N-Out double-double in your face. | ||
| Speaking of the fucking apocalypse, man, I got a fucking Oculus Rift waiting in my house right now. | ||
| Don't panic. | ||
| Don't get sweaty. | ||
| I gotta get back. | ||
| You're sweaty, man. | ||
| Why are you sweaty? | ||
| You're not going anywhere. | ||
| You're hanging out to the end of this podcast. | ||
| Where am I going? | ||
| There's people that are listening to this that depend on you. | ||
| Don't be so selfish. | ||
| Don't get caught up in the wave of selfishness that is addiction. | ||
| I wasn't going to abandon... | ||
| Oh, it's not addiction. | ||
| It's going into an alternate universe. | ||
| That's not addiction. | ||
| I want to see Skyrim in 3D. Wow. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Those are so big. | ||
| There's a photo of a guy or a gal with four of these giant hornets. | ||
| You really do need to know if it's like a Shaquille O'Neal sized hand or if it's like a... | ||
| Baby's hand. | ||
| Yeah, small... | ||
| Little Lester Like Little Lester's hands Little Lester has some tiny little hands Little Lester has a giant hornet Riders on the storm DC Trussell DC Trussell, what happened? | ||
| What did I miss? | ||
| Are you taking those babies and getting them killed by hornets in your game? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| There's no game like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not yet. | |
| If you had one, though, if you had a baby that was alone in the crib, like the mom was on meth and the mom fell asleep in the game and was right next to the baby, passed out, but a window opened up and a hornet figured out its way through, would you allow all the hornets to come in and kill the baby just so you could see what it would be like? | ||
| This is like... | ||
| What was that movie with Harrison Ford? | ||
| Not Total Recall. | ||
| Blade Runner. | ||
| These are the questions you ask an android to make him start malfunctioning. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm trying to figure you out. | ||
| A turtle's laying on its back. | ||
| Its legs are waving in the air. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out whether the... | ||
| A tortoise. | ||
| What's a tortoise? | ||
| It's a turtle. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out whether the uncomfortable moments and the animosity that you face in your life has turned you irreversibly towards the dark side. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out whether they can seduce you to the Force. | ||
| You are saying that if I was to let Hornets attack a digitized baby, I would be evil? | ||
| Well, that you would want to experience that. | ||
| What about if you had the options between Hornets and a slew of bikini pageant contest entrants blowing the kid? | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
| Have you ever played Fallout 3? | ||
| No. | ||
| The game where you wander through the apocalypse in Fallout 3? | ||
| Well, there's a mission in Fallout 3 where there's a little, like, commune of orphans who are living in some kind of cave. | ||
| One of the missions is, and in part of this world, there's like a compound of slavers. | ||
| So you can bring them people, you can sell people to slavery there. | ||
| And one of the missions built into this game is you go into that fucking compound of kids, kidnap one, and bring it back to these slavers to do whatever the fuck they're gonna do to the kid, and they give you some weird special executioner's mask that gives you powers. | ||
| And that's encoded into the fucking game. | ||
| So, that's what's weird about video games, is there's this like... | ||
| People will do awful shit in video games. | ||
| You would too. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, I would. | ||
| That's why I wouldn't do it. | ||
| No, I wouldn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In a video game. | |
| I probably would on, you know, like... | ||
| If I had an option, if you could pick who you'd want. | ||
| If you could take a public figure. | ||
| Think of someone who really annoys you. | ||
| Don't even mention a name. | ||
| Let's just take some horrible foreign dictator type character. | ||
| Some Coney. | ||
| Whatever happened to Coney? | ||
| Boy, is there a fucking cause that went away any quicker than that Coney 2012 thing? | ||
| All you gotta do is whip your dick out and run around the street beating off, and then it doesn't matter how many babies die in Africa. | ||
| Everybody's like, this topic is over. | ||
| He went to Oprah. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He won't open, didn't he? | ||
| He became a Christian and shit. | ||
| Well, the guy was in the middle of the fucking street beating off in San Diego. | ||
| The guy who started this organization and put the whole thing together. | ||
| See if you can find that video, Brian. | ||
| It was caused by stress? | ||
| Whatever it's caused by. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| There's a lot of kinds of stress in this world. | ||
| There's one type of stress. | ||
| It's called fighting off the gay. | ||
| DCT in the house. | ||
| What did you think when this whole thing went down, this guy got arrested, and he was beaten off in the middle of the street? | ||
| See, that makes sense, right? | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| No, I thought it was something even deeper than that, man. | ||
| I thought it was some kind of attack from the guy in mind on him, because he was ripping people off. | ||
| I don't know if he was for sure, but I was suspicious of him. | ||
| And so I thought that it had reached this psychic magnitude of negativity just swirled down on them and temporarily exposed them to the world. | ||
| And this is somebody that maybe isn't reliable or somebody that you shouldn't be sending money to. | ||
| I don't know exactly how they were using the money that they were getting, but I know with a great many charities, legally they only have to... | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| You're totally right, by the way. | ||
| I hate to interrupt you there. | ||
| But you're totally right. | ||
| This is him walking around naked and the old man behind him. | ||
| They're in San Diego. | ||
| It's all like ex-military and shit down there. | ||
| They're like, son of a bitch. | ||
| I starved in the beaches of Iwo Jima. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you fucking cocksucker running around my neighborhood showing your dick to my wife, I'll fucking kill you. | |
| But this is something... | ||
| You're right, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| It's about this. | ||
| It's about this? | ||
| Yeah, it's South Park's song about this. | ||
| Oh, South Park had a song about it? | ||
| It's called Whacking It in San Diego. | ||
| By the way, have you watched this season of South Park? | ||
| Brilliant shit, man. | ||
| I gotta get back on the South Park horse. | ||
| I heard they're going after everybody. | ||
| God bless them. | ||
| God bless them. | ||
| When there's someone like South Park that has that kind of power, the way they use it is so just. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They wield the fucking almighty sword of retribution, of comedy, of ethics. | ||
| They're just right. | ||
| They're right so many times. | ||
| I never disagree with them. | ||
| Cut to them shitting on me. | ||
| Did you see the Book of Mormon? | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Yeah, I saw it. | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I mean, I'm not into musicals, so for me to love it, it shows how good it was. | ||
| I hear it's amazing. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| Yeah, I was way lit when I went to see it, too. | ||
| It's a really interesting thing that they're so prolific. | ||
| They do that show every week, and somehow or another they manage to find time to develop not just a musical, but a really good one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it just makes you go, God, I'm such a lazy bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| As Duncan thinks about how much time Oculus Rift is going to chew out of his life. | ||
| Shit, that's the thing, man. | ||
| You know, I understand the lazy bitch theory, but fuck. | ||
| What are we supposed to be doing on this planet if not burrowing into the imagination and digitally experience alternate realities? | ||
| Something that for the first time in human history has happened. | ||
| It's a brand new experience. | ||
| What am I supposed to do? | ||
| Go to some fucking pool hall and bet 15 bucks? | ||
| Show ideas. | ||
| Let him know what the fuck's wrong with what he just said. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I have no fucking idea because I'm looking at him and I know he's a brilliant dude, so you'll go home right now and when will you be outside in daylight again? | ||
| The truth, because I know there's times years ago where you'd disappear. | ||
| Depends on if there's daylight in the Oculus Rift land that I visit. | ||
| So if you set it up tonight, you shut your phone up, lock the door, hide the window. | ||
| Cut to new headlines. | ||
| Young gamers finding Oculus Rift makes their body produce vitamin D without the sun! | ||
| It actually triggers that you don't need sunlight. | ||
| Listen, you first worlders are all stuck on your fucking sun and the light. | ||
| When will you see the sun again? | ||
| When will you see light? | ||
| It's all about... | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's... | ||
| And his omnidirectional treadmill. | ||
| I gotta get one of those. | ||
| Do you know who wants to fuck that guy, though? | ||
| No one. | ||
| No one wants to fuck that guy. | ||
| Someone wants to fuck you, Duncan. | ||
| Take advantage of that. | ||
| Look, see, what does he have on the wall? | ||
| Big girl with giant tits that will never have sex with them. | ||
| Voluntarily. | ||
| Unless her rent is late. | ||
| You know man, I think there might be a great many people out there who aren't being fucked at this moment. | ||
| Why shouldn't they get to run on a treadmill and experience some magical, weird realm? | ||
| I think they should, but I find it shocking that the first incarnations of it involve violence and not sex. | ||
| The first incarnations of this... | ||
| No, my friend put on Oculus Rift porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He says that you look down and you see your dick. | ||
| Yeah, but what are we looking at right here? | ||
| We're looking at violence. | ||
| This is the Iron Patriot. | ||
| We're looking at dudes with guns. | ||
| They're running around. | ||
| They're hiding behind barrels. | ||
| They're trying to snipe on people. | ||
| They're being assholes. | ||
| So, like, you know when you give a squeaky toy to a dog? | ||
| Oh, boy, do I. And you realize that that squeak is the sound of an animal dying, and that's why they like the squeak, because that's the sound of an animal. | ||
| I never thought about that until right now. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So, like, you know, your sweet little dog's chewing on this thing. | ||
| It's squeaking just like an animal would if it were biting it. | ||
| Well, that's what these games are for humans. | ||
| They're squeak toys. | ||
| They, like, let humans experience the, you know, aggressive side that exists in all people. | ||
| You know, there's this thing where people are always shocked, like, to think that we're using this for violence. | ||
| But it's like, look what we are. | ||
| I think it's cathartic. | ||
| Yeah, it's cathartic. | ||
| I think it's cathartic and it helps people, you know, get out aggression or just experience, like, you know, bizarre states of being. | ||
| Joey, you don't fuck with games, period. | ||
| You've never fucked with games except pool when you were at the bar when you were a young kid? | ||
| I'm a... | ||
| What's... | ||
| I don't even know the fucking name of it. | ||
| The maze and shit. | ||
| The maze? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crossword puzzles? | ||
| Pac-Man. | ||
| Pac-Man? | ||
| I'm a Pac-Man dude. | ||
| Ms. Pac-Man is apparently better. | ||
| In Hollywood, these machines now, what they do with these machines now, they've taken all those games. | ||
| They put Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, the one with the missiles, the ones that start from scratch, all that shit. | ||
| I watch Pawn Stars, too. | ||
| I know this. | ||
| They fucking sell those games. | ||
| So it's amazing. | ||
| Somebody always has one. | ||
| They sell it to a bar. | ||
| Oh, they have it at Death Squad. | ||
| The guy that sent those 4K TVs, he sent us one, like a big arcade and it has like 500 games on it. | ||
| Is that called MAME? Is that what that is? | ||
| I think it's a MAME tech. | ||
| Do you know that people think that I'm a fucking Nazi because of that stupid zombie robot? | ||
| People are so stupid. | ||
| There's so many people that are like looking to find some sort of crazy conspiratorial connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| They've decided that because at Bryan's studio at the Ice House, which by the way, I have zero input on how he designs it. | ||
| He just does it himself. | ||
| I'm not a control freak. | ||
| And Bryan has a fucking zombie that this dude, do you remember Homeboy's name? | ||
| Yeah, let me find it real quick. | ||
| He makes those for movies. | ||
| You know, like that movie Dead Snow. | ||
| Did you see Dead Snow? | ||
| I don't think I saw it. | ||
| Great fucking movie. | ||
| Stupid as shit, but great. | ||
| And it's all about zombies that were, they were Nazis, and somehow or another they became zombies and got frozen up in the fucking South Pole or some shit, and these people are out there, they're camping out, and the zombies come and get them, the Nazi zombies. | ||
| It's hilariously stupid. | ||
| So he has one of the zombies from Dead Snow. | ||
| It's a fucking movie! | ||
| Okay, he's got this zombie at his studio, and I get all these messages from people that are saying, yeah, I always knew that he had a problem with Jews. | ||
| That's why he's got a zombie at his studio that has a swastika on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey's falling asleep. | |
| What?! | ||
| I'm not falling asleep. | ||
| I saw you falling asleep. | ||
| Joey had his eyes closed. | ||
| He was like this. | ||
| I'm going to take a nap. | ||
| You wake up early. | ||
| Joey wakes up. | ||
| I'll wake up and look on Twitter, and Joey's been tweeting since 4.30 a.m. | ||
| When I go to bed, we change off. | ||
| You ever see that cartoon where there's a sheepdog and the coyote? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm the coyote. | ||
| He's the sheepdog. | ||
| We meet. | ||
| Morning, Frank. | ||
| Morning, Sam. | ||
| You did what happened. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| I was doing fine today. | ||
| The whole day was going great. | ||
| I stopped at the weed store at about 12.30, 12.15. | ||
| In the afternoon? | ||
| Yeah, just now. | ||
| After you were there last night? | ||
| No, I wasn't there last night. | ||
| The night before last you were there? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Which night? | ||
| Tuesday was when I tweeted the thing. | ||
| I went there this afternoon. | ||
| I went to the one on Lancashire to lock up. | ||
| They have edibles and reefer. | ||
| They got a lot more selection. | ||
| The other place just has strong fucking weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This one has pre-rolled joints with dynamite. | ||
| We've got edibles that are dynamite and weed that's dynamite. | ||
| So I go in there this afternoon and the guy goes, hey, I got this new thing I want you to try. | ||
| It's a fucking little brownie thing. | ||
| And it's just, he goes, these people always have solid stuff. | ||
| Tell me what you think. | ||
| I took a bite out of it and I could tell it was going to be a ride. | ||
| I could tell. | ||
| One bite? | ||
| I took a bite out of it, like a little bite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| And also it's been hitting me this afternoon, but I'm all right. | ||
| These crazy hippies are so inconsistent. | ||
| They're so inconsistent with their product. | ||
| Like, you'll get a 5X cookie that's not that big a deal. | ||
| And then you get one that makes you think about everything that went wrong from ages 3 to 6. You'll see it all play out in front of you. | ||
| Man, I bought one of these chocolate bars and took a little bite of one. | ||
| A tiny, tiny, tiny little bite. | ||
| And I fucking, like, within two hours, I'm like, it was when we were having the heat wave. | ||
| I'm so paranoid that I'm like, I'm just going to go fucking jogging. | ||
| I'm going to go jogging and try to sweat it out. | ||
| I'm running by the LA River, look down, see some guy taking his pants off. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Suck his cock. | ||
| What did it taste like? | ||
| Tasted like river water. | ||
| Tasted like God. | ||
| Tasted like a brownie. | ||
| I found the perfect dose for me, edible-wise. | ||
| It's L.A. Speed Weeds gummy bears. | ||
| Two gummy bears. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a little confusion when it comes to breast strips. | ||
| Breast strips are very tricky. | ||
| I never go with a full breast strip because you don't know what the fuck. | ||
| It can get too scary. | ||
| But the gummy bears, for some reason, seem to be pretty consistent. | ||
| I think it's how they make gummy bears. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a problem. | |
| It's a problem. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| That's why we have to have this fucking conversation. | ||
| Well, you've got to be careful because, you know, a lot of people, they go and get their prescription and then they go next door and buy some marijuana brownies and they think, oh, it's just a brownie. | ||
| I'll eat the whole brownie. | ||
| And then Satan is dragging them by their hair. | ||
| No, this brownie kicked my ass a little couple minutes ago. | ||
| It has been fucking wrestling with me. | ||
| I took one bite of it, but I knew how it was packaged, the whole thing. | ||
| These are real. | ||
| I know these people. | ||
| I'm like, wow, this is pretty fucking good. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what? | ||
| I think that... | ||
| It is important. | ||
| And people that hear this and go, guys, you guys are talking too much shit about weed and talking about weed, bro. | ||
| It really is something that people need to hear. | ||
| They really do, unfortunately. | ||
| The eating of the brownie can really fucking be psychologically devastating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or the chocolate bar or whatever the fucking thing is. | ||
| Any edibles can really fuck your world up. | ||
| Any edibles. | ||
| Your world up, Jack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta be careful. | ||
| And sometimes, I tell you... | ||
| Even like I learned with acupuncture, I never get high before I go to acupuncture because it turns into a complete different realm. | ||
| I feel every needle go into my skin. | ||
| I feel every needle break the skin. | ||
| I can hear it. | ||
| It's like having Spider-Man sense. | ||
| You can hear it. | ||
| You can hear the needles. | ||
| The pop? | ||
| You can just feel them. | ||
| The needle correspond with your skin. | ||
| When I'm not high, I don't feel that. | ||
| And that's what kills me. | ||
| That's what stresses me the fuck out. | ||
| Once I feel a little bit of pain from the needle, it shoots up to my brain. | ||
| If I'm straight, I'm fine. | ||
| But if I'm stoned, it takes that little bit of pain and does something else with it. | ||
| And next thing you know, I'm having a goddamn anxiety attack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's why I gotta be careful with situations like that. | ||
| Well, it's like I say about bombing. | ||
| The best I've ever gotten out of stand-up comedy was when I bombed and realized that I need to fucking make some sort of corrections. | ||
| That's the best improvements that I've ever gotten. | ||
| It's similar to the feeling that you get when you eat a brownie or whatever and you freak the fuck out. | ||
| I've been reading this book called The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. | ||
| Have you heard of this book? | ||
| Who's the other? | ||
| Chakingi? | ||
| Patanjali. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's Patanjali. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But they talk about how the mind, how there's a term called vrittis. | ||
| And vrittis is the term for a wave of thought. | ||
| And so like your mind is basically all these waves of thought rolling through it, rolling through it. | ||
| Each of those are a vritti. | ||
| And those things are sort of created by things in the external world or other thoughts or feelings that come into your mind. | ||
| So when you get super high, what's happening is you're suddenly amplifying those vrittis. | ||
| You're seeing these thought patterns that normally are way under the surface. | ||
| And those thought patterns are usually shit you've been ignoring. | ||
| Like for me, I'll start thinking about like... | ||
| You know, like when I had cancer, that would come to my mind. | ||
| Like, shit, I'm probably gonna die. | ||
| I might die. | ||
| This could kill me. | ||
| You know, whatever the thing is that you've been trying to ignore or forget about, it just will grab your face and push you right into it. | ||
| And so the answer is to just embrace that thing. | ||
| Dissolve into it. | ||
| Go into it. | ||
| Go into it. | ||
| Fly into the... | ||
| It's like Dante's Inferno. | ||
| The only way out of hell in Dante's Inferno is by going to the middle and climbing down Satan's leg. | ||
| Because Dante never tried to suck Satan's dick. | ||
| If you suck his dick, as he comes in your mouth, your brain explodes and you appear in the Garden of Eden with Eden and she hasn't given the apple to the snake yet. | ||
| Eden's the stripper that lived in the garden. | ||
| Whatever her name is. | ||
| That whore. | ||
| That was Eve's friend. | ||
| It's like a tramp. | ||
| They're just some dirty girl who lived there too. | ||
| Eden? | ||
| Don't talk about her because all she did was just clean her ass. | ||
| Who the fuck was Eden? | ||
| She had wet, warm towels. | ||
| She would just wipe your ass after you shat in the field. | ||
| Joey, stop yawning. | ||
| Brian, stop putting a video on him. | ||
| You're going to change the whole tone of this fucking show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch! | |
| Jesus! | ||
| Joey Diaz, what are you doing this weekend? | ||
| Making a movie? | ||
| He's way too high. | ||
| I got till the 8th on this thing. | ||
| What is this thing you're doing right now? | ||
| Your life has changed. | ||
| No, I always do one of these. | ||
| Yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah. | ||
| I was at the fucking storyteller show the other day. | ||
| Your life has changed. | ||
| No, brother, that was a good fucking thing the other night, wasn't it? | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's storyteller show, This Is Not Happening, on ComedyCentral.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you leave? | |
| You left. | ||
| I had to leave. | ||
| I had to do Kevin and Bean in the morning. | ||
| I had to get out of there. | ||
| But the reaction that you got when you even walked in the building, your life has changed. | ||
| It was rocking over there. | ||
| You're living in a different world than you were living in a couple of years ago. | ||
| No, I'm fine, man. | ||
| I'm still in the same fucking world. | ||
| I know you are, but it's interesting to watch, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's very interesting to watch. | ||
| What was the last gig we did together? | ||
| Where the fuck were we? | ||
| Boston? | ||
| Milwaukee. | ||
| Milwaukee. | ||
| One of those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Milwaukee and Boston were both insanity. | ||
| Are you doing another of those dog movies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which one is this one? | ||
| Dog that saved Easter. | ||
| How many times is dog going to fucking save the world? | ||
| This is the fifth one. | ||
| Gary Valentine passed on this one. | ||
| Look at Joey! | ||
| Gary Valentine passed? | ||
| Have they brought you back? | ||
| No, I always come back. | ||
| But you're saying that Gary Valentine passed? | ||
| Gary Valentine passed on this one. | ||
| He wanted more money. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| Dean Cain, this is he took a little pit stop before searching for Bigfoot. | ||
| He's got a new show. | ||
| He's got a new show on Spike with my pal Todd Disotel. | ||
| They go searching for Bigfoot. | ||
| Ryan, what do I get you? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| The girls' makeup? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They dress you up like a girl? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Do you know why? | ||
| Because they're scared of you, just like they do with black men. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What, Maeda? | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| All the black men, they dress up like women? | ||
| That was the third movie we did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They never dressed me up like a woman again. | ||
| Dave Chappelle had a whole speech that he did on one of those talk shows about it. | ||
| About, man, why is it when a black man gets famous, they always try to dress him up like a girl. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Think about all the different people. | ||
| Jamie Foxx. | ||
| Think about all the different people that are dressed. | ||
| Keenan Ivory Wayans. | ||
| Think about all the different people. | ||
| Big, strong black men, and it's hilarious they dress up like women. | ||
| Why, Joe Diaz? | ||
| Why'd they do it to you? | ||
| That was just the third one. | ||
| Because they've seen your dick online. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They've seen the Cuban egg roll floating out there like the Death Star in deep space. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We're over here. | ||
| I'm stoned to the gills. | ||
| I got Duncan to the right of me, Red Band to the left of me, and you gotta be over here. | ||
| Duggan, when are you jumping back into the comedy world again? | ||
| This Saturday, I'll be at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Googly moogly. | ||
| What time, cocksucker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
11, 1045. Oh, shit. | |
| There's something about that place, right? | ||
| Still, to this day. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Exotic, exotic place. | ||
| Isn't that where fucking Hobo made his debut? | ||
| That's exactly where he made his debut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Who's Hobo? | ||
| Hobo. | ||
| Hey, you forgot about me. | ||
| What's the new Hobo like? | ||
| I've retired Hobo. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Why would you do that when it's on video? | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Why does everything have to be on video? | ||
| Because the other people should enjoy it too. | ||
| What you developed was something that was really beautiful. | ||
| That was real. | ||
| Well, you know the problem? | ||
| There's a technical problem, which is that it uses a Pink Floyd song. | ||
| And I super doubt that if I emailed them, they're going to be like, yeah, you could use one of the most famous songs on earth for your comedy album. | ||
| Uh, guess what? | ||
| What? | ||
| That's a small part of that bit. | ||
| Very small. | ||
| That's not even one-tenth of one percent of that bit. | ||
| But that bit is... | ||
| I don't want to say anymore because I don't want it to be a spoiler. | ||
| You don't need that song, dude. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| But I feel, you know, like the next time I go back out on the road, I don't think I can bring Little Hobo. | ||
| Talk to him, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Tell him to put that fucking shit down on wax. | ||
| I can't keep doing it though. | ||
| You can't keep doing something. | ||
| You don't have to keep doing it. | ||
| You just have to do it and get it on DVD or get it on a video to put it on the internet. | ||
| For that little hobo bit to not get out there in the world is a crime against humanity. | ||
| So you need to figure that out. | ||
| You need to figure out how you're going to get that out there. | ||
| Because I can't tell you how many times I fucking howled with laughter at that bit. | ||
| I've seen that bit Close to 100 times, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I mean, all the times we work together? | ||
| I love doing it. | ||
| It's a fucking great bit, dude. | ||
| People need to see that. | ||
| It's fun, and it's so you. | ||
| It's so you! | ||
| If anybody was wondering, what kind of comedy does Duncan do? | ||
| I'd be like, you got six minutes? | ||
| Sit down and watch this. | ||
| You know what's fucking cool, though, man? | ||
| I can't give too much of it away, but I am going to be puppeteering a puppet. | ||
| I'm going to be using a puppet for this... | ||
| Show we're doing for MTV Digital that we're shooting right now. | ||
| It's gonna be really cool. | ||
| A lot of spooky, uh, spooky sketches. | ||
| Okay, let's get into the Duncan psyche. | ||
| Let's find out what that's all about. | ||
| Joey Diaz used to always say, this motherfucking Duncan's always playing around with the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of these days he's gonna fucking realize that devil's gonna bite him right in the ball sack. | |
| It did! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did it? | |
| Did it really? | ||
| Took one of my balls. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't really... | ||
| No, I was just kidding. | ||
| I was just kidding. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You know, listen, man. | ||
| There's no dark side. | ||
| You can't be fucking around with the devil, Duncan Trussell. | ||
| Well, that... | ||
| You think you're being cute, all hee-hees and ha-has? | ||
| Watching the cartoons. | ||
| SpongeBob. | ||
| Well, my point is... | ||
| I'm just joking around about that. | ||
| But my point is, like, what is your fascination with this demonic idea... | ||
| You're drawn to that angle so often. | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| Drawn to what angle? | ||
| Drawn to the angle of, you know, obviously I don't believe that you think in these things, like as far as being reality, but the idea of a demonic entity, the idea of evil incarnate. | ||
| I mean, you've often talked about evil as like a philosophical idea, like a location that you can get to. | ||
| You know, man, I've changed a lot in my life. | ||
| And there was a time when I actually did believe that there was some... | ||
| And I still have... | ||
| I know people who do believe in this kind of thing, but... | ||
| You know why you don't anymore? | ||
| What? | ||
| You know why you don't anymore? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Your girlfriend's 24. You think that's why I don't believe in evil anymore? | ||
| As you lick your vagina, it's like drinking out of a spring when you've been trapped in the desert. | ||
| You're trapped in the desert and you come down the hill and what is this? | ||
| Is this an oasis? | ||
| Is this a hallucination? | ||
| And you get in that cold Colorado spring water and you just lap it up. | ||
| 24's not old, Joe. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| That was a joke. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I know it was a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I think it's more of a... | ||
| There's that, too, though. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| There's that, too. | ||
| Well, I think that that's a... | ||
| Very good point. | ||
| That is not a record. | ||
| Huge point. | ||
| Joe Diaz? | ||
| He's a savage. | ||
| You guys are embarrassing me. | ||
| In Hinduism, I like the whole cycle of things. | ||
| Someone's panicking. | ||
| They're going straight to the Bhagavad Gita. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| It's fucking Hindu time. | ||
| You assholes! | ||
| You ass! | ||
| Let's talk about Congress and the Diebold voting machines, man! | ||
| I can smell a fucking lottery ticket. | ||
| Let me get that Midnight Moon, whatever the fuck that is. | ||
| Let me smell that. | ||
| Let me get a little blast. | ||
| We're drinking moonshine here on the point of the episode. | ||
| Duncan, I pushed one in front of you. | ||
| Do you not drink anymore? | ||
| Are you scared? | ||
| I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm not drinking alcohol. | ||
| That's not going to help you. | ||
| Being a pussy is not going to help you lose weight. | ||
| It's the exact opposite of what's going to help you lose weight. | ||
| What's going to help you lose weight is being a savage. | ||
| And what a savage does is occasionally they have a drink because they're a fucking man, they do whatever they want to do, and then they do squats. | ||
| Well, what I want to do is not drink. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| I have kettlebells here in this building. | ||
| I can help you burn off. | ||
| Are you going to throw one at me? | ||
| I'm going to help you work out. | ||
| After this podcast is over, I'll show you a squat routine that you can do with a fucking 32-kilogram. | ||
| Okay, great. | ||
| Okay, great! | ||
| How much poop is this? | ||
| A thousand. | ||
| It's evil. | ||
| It'll hurt your mother. | ||
| If you drink that shit, your dead parents will fucking kick around in their graves. | ||
| If you drink that shit, kids you grew up with in high school will crash into trees. | ||
| It's so strong it's ridiculous. | ||
| People you've never met will get drunk. | ||
| People you meet in a week will fucking pass out at work. | ||
| Does it taste good? | ||
| It actually tastes pretty good. | ||
| It's not as strong as a regular man. | ||
| Depends on what you think good is. | ||
| If you're talking about good Kool-Aid, no. | ||
| How about Dew is good with ice cubes? | ||
| What it tastes like, it's not that brutal. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| They did, whatever this is, Jamie, what is this? | ||
| What's the name of this company? | ||
| Old Smokey, I think it is. | ||
| Whoever these people are, they're bad motherfuckers. | ||
| They know how to make some real moonshine. | ||
| Because I've had some scary moonshine that hurts, and I've had some moonshine like this that's pretty fucking smooth while letting you know that it's fucking you up. | ||
| But if you talk to somebody in Kentucky, they'll be like, yeah, that's like the wine cooler of Moonshines compared to them, you know, like building it in the backyard and stuff like that. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| This stuff's pretty good. | ||
| Duncan and I had some stuff in North Carolina. | ||
| Remember when we ate at that slamming barbecue joint? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That place, what was it called? | ||
| Was it called? | ||
| I can't remember, but it's fucking good. | ||
| If you're in Raleigh... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to let these motherfuckers get their props. | |
| Raleigh barbecue, BBQ. We ate the pit. | ||
| Was it the pit? | ||
| That's exactly what it was. | ||
| I thought it was. | ||
| They gave us some moonshine, some peach moonshine. | ||
| Oh my god, it was good. | ||
| God damn, it was good. | ||
| First of all, the barbecue there, if you're in Raleigh, that place is sensational. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It has four stars if you go to the reviews online, but that's just because 10% of the people in the world have their fucking head deep in their ass. | ||
| If the world was just and pure, that would be a five-star place. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| And they had this insane peach moonshine. | ||
| And you would drink it and you'd go, whoa! | ||
| And you also like it because you know it's illegal. | ||
| You know I hate booze, right? | ||
| You know I hate the taste of booze? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking delicious. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| That's delicious. | ||
| They know what they're doing. | ||
| That's delicious. | ||
| Real Moonshine is over 100 proof, as high as 150 proof, which is about 75% alcohol. | ||
| It's like freebasing. | ||
| Yeah, you're pretty much just drinking... | ||
| You're freebasing booze. | ||
| And what is this stuff? | ||
| It should say on the side of it. | ||
| Does it say the proof? | ||
| Yeah, it should say right on the bottom right there. | ||
| Can you read it, Joe? | ||
| If you eat bad pussy and you eat this and you drink this, you're saved. | ||
| It'll save you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll kill all the HPV. That'll kill all the HPV right out of the fucking Thompson. | |
| You won't go on Michael Douglas. | ||
| I won't be spitting fucking yellow buttons tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't read the proof. | |
| Where does it say it? | ||
| Does it say in the front? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It says 50%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that 100 proof? | |
| Why wouldn't you say 100 proof? | ||
| Oh, it does say 100 proof in the other spot. | ||
| 100 proof? | ||
| Yeah, it's 100 proof. | ||
| It's not bad? | ||
| No, it's not bad. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| What's whiskey? | ||
| 90. 90 proof? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's just a little stronger than whiskey. | ||
| That tastes delicious, though. | ||
| Now, that's... | ||
| With some ice cubes, with a fucking cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| With an ice cube, but a little mild cigar, guys. | ||
| Not a big one. | ||
| A little one. | ||
| Three hours to kill. | ||
| Maybe something to watch in a fucking casino in Vegas while you're... | ||
| A little Monte Cristo? | ||
| Something. | ||
| Yeah, a little Monte Cristo. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| The problem is when Jamie first originally gave it to me, I didn't think it was that strong, so I was just drinking it like a drink, and I almost drank like a half a bottle of it. | ||
| And that's like drinking a half bottle of Jack Daniels. | ||
| Yeah, you get fucked up. | ||
| How many guys did you fuck that night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just you. | |
| What? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I'm so jealous, Joe. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This fucking podcast sucks! | |
| I quit! | ||
| This is legal to sell? | ||
| Yeah, that's actually... | ||
| I can go to a bar and get this shit. | ||
| Yeah, this has a barcode on it. | ||
| Wow, midnight moon. | ||
| That is fucking delicious. | ||
| Rice cubes. | ||
| As long as they have one of those fucking things on it, that's legit. | ||
| That means it's gone through the government taxes and all that shit. | ||
| Man, I wonder what the fuck is gonna happen to this country now that we realize that these assholes can't communicate, they can't get along so badly that they're shutting the government down. | ||
| Like, they're throwing a temper tantrum, and then they're not working their way through this, and they're shutting the government down. | ||
| I read this thing on Reddit that I thought was a really cool solution, which is adding to the Constitution some way to, if this happens, to do re-elections for everyone. | ||
| So that we can just wipe the slate. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| That's incompetence. | ||
| That's clear incompetence. | ||
| And apparently if all the states wanted to do that, there's a way to do that. | ||
| There's actually a way for the states to band together so that we can do complete re-elections. | ||
| Since it's not working, they can't do their jobs. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| Let's get new people in there. | ||
| Have you seen Rand Paul and some other dude got caught in a conversation with their mics on about the reactions that people are going to have to all this? | ||
| No, what do they say? | ||
| They're just talking about hedging their bets. | ||
| They're just talking about saying all the things, the talking points, or all the things they were willing to compromise on, but the president wasn't. | ||
| It's really spooky stuff because it comes down to this gigantic system grinding to a halt because a bunch of people are in an ego battle and they're playing a game of chess. | ||
| Well, it's almost like the Founding Fathers built into the machine a thing that I think is supposed to alert the population that we have to do something more. | ||
| I think that's what that is. | ||
| I mean, I just saw... | ||
| I hate saying this. | ||
| I mean, I don't know why I hate saying it, but I just saw Jesse Ventura on Piers Morgan, and he was giving this very, like, intelligent, cogent description of what's happening, and he was saying this means that we need to have a revolution, and it doesn't have to be violent. | ||
| But we do need to revolutionize the way government works, because right now it's not working, and the reason it's not working is because there is a percentage of people who don't believe that they should have to get, that the government can impose I think the government has to adapt just like the porn industry did. | ||
| The porn industry came along and the internet came along and clipped the fucking legs out of the porn industry. | ||
| Is there still porn available, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| There is. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they adjusted. | ||
| They did what they had to do. | ||
| And I think the government needs to do the same. | ||
| The internet does not allow the government to be the same entity. | ||
| It's too obvious where the money comes from. | ||
| We know too much about lobbyists. | ||
| We know too much about the influence of corporations. | ||
| We know too much about Congress. | ||
| Now, Congress has been influenced to the point where they're willing to actually allow corporations to vote as humans with their money and have no limits on how much they can contribute to individual candidates who will eventually serve their business needs once they get into office. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| And we know it's nonsense now because of the internet. | ||
| Just like we know that $39.99 for a DVD with You know, insert the blank. | ||
| Tara Patrick. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| You don't have to do that when you can go to YouPorn and just... | ||
| It's free. | ||
| Just beat off online. | ||
| And we know that now. | ||
| So that kicked out the legs. | ||
| Digital information. | ||
| One's in a very different way. | ||
| But it's the same thing. | ||
| The internet has kicked out the legs of politics. | ||
| And politics is holding on by a fucking claw. | ||
| They're hanging on like that kitten in that... | ||
| Hang in there poster. | ||
| It's getting to the point where we have to do something. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Or it will happen, just like the Ice Age eventually stopped, or just like war eventually ends, just like we got out of Vietnam, just like the Civil War ended. | ||
| Something will eventually break, but we'll get to a point where we're like enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, let's just hope... | ||
| I mean, I don't... | ||
| By the way, lately I've just been trying to avoid the news, which is hard when you're addicted to Reddit, but I've been trying to avoid it completely. | ||
| But the... | ||
| If what they're saying, if it's not just a bunch of bullshit, if what they're saying is true, then we could go into another recession because of this. | ||
| This could drive us into another recession. | ||
| And if that's the case, then that means that there needs to be a new government because there's no reason for us to go into another recession. | ||
| How many of them are there in the government? | ||
| Yeah, how many? | ||
| How many senators? | ||
| How many congressmen? | ||
| That's a really good question. | ||
| How many? | ||
| I don't know the exact amount. | ||
| There's an exact amount. | ||
| What is it, 200 people? | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| And how many people are on the planet? | ||
| Or on Earth? | ||
| And how many people are in the United States? | ||
| Because the shit that happens in the United States affects the entire planet. | ||
| So it's like the fact that there's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's sad that I don't know the number of senators and congressmen in the... | ||
| You don't need to. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| But it's whatever this tiny, tiny, tiny number is compared to the ocean of humanity. | ||
| The fact that they're... | ||
| Creating an unnecessary situation where we could all theoretically suffer shows that we as the people have been conditioned to believe that we're powerless. | ||
| And so that conditioning needs to go away. | ||
| And the moment it did and we organized in a non-violent way, then they would immediately start listening to us. | ||
| It's just that everyone gets so mad, oh, the government doesn't represent the people anymore. | ||
| It's like, well that may be true, but what are we doing to organize to make it so that they start listening to us again? | ||
| We need to do that. | ||
| Well, yeah and no. | ||
| I mean, yeah and that something's got to change. | ||
| And no in that really what would be optimal is if the people that were in positions of power realized they were fucking over the world. | ||
| That would be the best. | ||
| If they just said, hey guys, we ate some peyote and we realized we're a bunch of cunts. | ||
| So we're willing to try to figure out a way how to reward people for the work they've already done, but yet move forward in a much more ethical way of distributing wealth. | ||
| Good luck, man. | ||
| Good luck, because that's socialism talk, you fucking commie. | ||
| And these people are fucking human fossils. | ||
| Imagine taking peyote with Boehner. | ||
| Can you imagine looking across at that guy and he's transforming into Howdy Doody in front of you? | ||
| His eyes are glowing red. | ||
| No way, man. | ||
| I don't know if it's possible. | ||
| It seems like these are earlier versions of human beings who... | ||
| Whose entire operating system has needed an update since the 70s. | ||
| Imagine if you hadn't updated your iPhone since when iPhones came out. | ||
| That's what these people are like with information. | ||
| But they're way worse than iPhones. | ||
| These motherfuckers, they're on a BBS board in the early 90s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a 14-4 modem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the shit cuts out every five minutes. | ||
| They're not on top of the ball at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the whole thing's fucking wrong, man. | ||
| I really liked... | ||
| I had Christopher Ryan on my podcast, and he was talking about how in indigenous cultures, the people who never are allowed to become leaders are the people who indicate that they want to be leaders. | ||
| Like, those are always the ones people avoid as being the leaders, and the ones who end up being leaders are the ones who know the most about certain things, like fishing or hunting. | ||
| Those people are naturally followed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They don't fucking throw makeup on and try to hypnotize a country by saying the exact same thing everyone always says. | ||
| Good evening, my fellow Americans. | ||
| President talk! | ||
| That weird cadence? | ||
| Why are you talking like that? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| We've talked about that a hundred times on this show. | ||
| You and I have had this conversation. | ||
| If you were sitting at home with a guy and he started talking to you like that, you would stop him. | ||
| You'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Are you trying to hypnotize me? | ||
| Can you imagine if Joey Diaz was sitting across from Obama? | ||
| Joey! | ||
| What we're dealing with right now, bipartisan efforts have been reached. | ||
| We have reached out to Republicans. | ||
| They're unwilling to bargain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, you're fucking killing me, dog. | ||
| Yeah, don't- Why are you talking to me like that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, and also the way- You're freaking me the fuck out. | ||
| I was born- I was- North Bergen, New Jersey, 1978. Look at this picture. | ||
| Look at me, motherfucker. | ||
| I'm on a basketball team with a bunch of guineas, one black guy, and a Filipino. | ||
| Why are you talking to me like that? | ||
| It's- What's happening is diffusion of- Joey's gone! | ||
| You're so gone! | ||
| I've never seen you more gone on a podcast. | ||
| I'm watching my boy. | ||
| I'm listening over here. | ||
| How high are you on a scale of one to a billion? | ||
| I'm like six. | ||
| For Joey Diaz to be this high, man, whatever you took must have fallen out of a spaceship. | ||
| That shit must have come out of a time machine in the future. | ||
| Is that dude that we met in Utah, the black hole of the bulletproof wolf that popped out? | ||
| A portal opened up and a worm vomited out whatever you ate. | ||
| The orbs, basically the orbs. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Took a cookie to Joey Diaz's house. | ||
| I've never seen you like this. | ||
| I'm talking about people who smoke dope. | ||
| And people who don't smoke dope and how the people who don't smoke dope worry me. | ||
| Because the people who don't smoke dope have just called me eight times after I told them for the last eight days that I was doing your podcast today from one to whatever. | ||
| They've continually called me today. | ||
| And the people who don't smoke dope, they don't bother me. | ||
| They're at home. | ||
| They ain't trying to fucking call me. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| What do you mean people who don't smoke dope? | ||
| Just a friend of mine that wanted to do something Friday. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| And I said to him, listen, I'm going to be busy from like 1 to like 5, maybe 6. Maybe I won't see you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'll call you when I get out of there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's already called me three times since I've been in here. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| Are you getting mad? | ||
| Are you getting mad? | ||
| No, no, I'm not getting mad. | ||
| I just thought I spoke to him about it. | ||
| And it's just weird how people don't fucking listen. | ||
| They don't listen. | ||
| They don't care to listen. | ||
| They don't want to listen, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just, it's always, you know. | ||
| So, that's it. | ||
| That's what I was thinking. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| These motherfuckers don't want to listen. | ||
| They don't want to fucking listen. | ||
| I don't ask for much. | ||
| Who does want to listen, Joey? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I don't want to listen. | ||
| That's why we did that. | ||
| Too busy with my own shit. | ||
| I'm trying to sort out my own shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Don't need to listen to anybody. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Duncan. | ||
| Man, when you get around somebody who's listening to you, it's the coolest feeling ever. | ||
| Ha ha ha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Hence the 24-year-old girlfriend. | ||
| She's mystified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You string words together like a wizard! | |
| No. | ||
| Like, buddy, you know I love you. | ||
| You're a savage. | ||
| You take these girls. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You teach them. | ||
| You teach them. | ||
| You're a guru. | ||
| I'm not teaching. | ||
| She's really super fucking smart. | ||
| Oh, she is. | ||
| We're just joking around. | ||
| These are jokes. | ||
| Very smart. | ||
| See, this is honorable because you like her so much. | ||
| This is where you stop joking. | ||
| You halted the joke. | ||
| Come on, guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can't even joke around about it because you actually like her. | ||
| It's sweet. | ||
| It's sweet. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I think you're supposed to do that. | ||
| You are. | ||
| You are. | ||
| Well, it just shows that that's who you really are. | ||
| You really like the chick. | ||
| She's cool. | ||
| Nothing wrong with being 24. I was 24 once. | ||
| By the way, when I was 24, I was dumb as fuck. | ||
| You wouldn't want to be friends with me. | ||
| If I was 24 and I was in this room, you'd be like, get that dickhead out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same with me. | |
| Go. | ||
| Same with me. | ||
| I was so dumb. | ||
| We didn't have the internet. | ||
| What? | ||
| We didn't have the internet. | ||
| We didn't have it. | ||
| Well, I had rudimentary. | ||
| We had rudimentary internet. | ||
| Please. | ||
| You didn't have the real internet. | ||
| You had to download JPEGs and it would take a long time. | ||
| You just hoped that it would click over the tits so you could start masturbating. | ||
| That's what porn used to be, is waiting for those lines of pixels to roll down the screen. | ||
| Well, you know, I think that it took a long time for us to figure out what to do with it. | ||
| So the early internet, like I was on the internet in 94, but I didn't learn a goddamn thing until 2003. Right. | ||
| I didn't learn anything. | ||
| It was all just talking shit and message boards and downloading porn and nonsense. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, that all got boring and I started learning shit. | ||
| I think we started paying attention more to things. | ||
| It was also like three years into my pot journey. | ||
| I started with the weed around 2000. So that's when I started questioning a lot of different things at about 2000. Delving into the internet deeper. | ||
| Thank God for the internet. | ||
| It's revolutionizing everything, man. | ||
| Even like fucking taxis, like Uber. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| Are you fucking shitting me, man? | ||
| It's the exact same price as a taxi. | ||
| Tell people what it is. | ||
| I'm not sponsored by them at all. | ||
| I just love them. | ||
| I only used them once. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| There's a company called Uber. | ||
| It's an app. | ||
| You go onto Uber, you click a button, and when I did it the first time, they send a limo to your house, and it was there in two minutes. | ||
| It's the exact same price, maybe $5 more than a taxi, and it's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, it's a sweet move. | ||
| It's great in New York City. | ||
| It's amazing, and the taxi companies in LA took them to court and tried to sue them so that they couldn't exist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because it's such a competition. | ||
| I just talked to a taxi driver all about this, and there's good reasons for it, too. | ||
| This guy I know drove for one of the Uber-type things, I think it was Lyft. | ||
| He got in a car accident with three other people while he was driving, and he You would think Lyft or this company would insure everybody. | ||
| No, he's getting sued by everybody in the car. | ||
| And his insurance isn't supposed to be covering when he's working. | ||
| And a lot of these people don't have the right insurances. | ||
| So when you're in an Uber or something like that, they're not getting... | ||
| Approved by the state. | ||
| They're not getting insured. | ||
| It's kind of almost illegal in some ways. | ||
| Well, I would never do anything illegal. | ||
| But the taxi drivers now all have their own apps now. | ||
| Like the Yellow Cab app. | ||
| It's the exact same thing Uber has now. | ||
| So they're actually catching up trying to do this shit. | ||
| Yeah, but still, even if the Yellow Cab app works, you're still in the back of a fucking taxi. | ||
| With Uber, you're in a super nice car, bottled water in the back. | ||
| And it's the same. | ||
| The main crazy thing about it is it's $5 more. | ||
| They can't compete. | ||
| There's no way they're going to compete with that. | ||
| Once people start really finding out about it, who's going to call a fucking cab? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Yeah, why would you? | ||
| And it takes longer to get a cab. | ||
| When I did the Uber thing, it was there in two minutes. | ||
| You know when you see your dog take a shit? | ||
| And instantaneously, there's a fly on the shit. | ||
| And you're like, how is that possible? | ||
| Where do they come from? | ||
| Are they everywhere? | ||
| That's fucking Uber. | ||
| Well, there's so many people out there driving limos. | ||
| The number of people driving limos is pretty gigantic. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, think about where you're at. | ||
| You're in the Los Angeles area. | ||
| The amount of airplane pickups, airport pickups. | ||
| Airport pickups are what limo driving is all about. | ||
| I work for Fifth Avenue Limo in Boston. | ||
| And 90% of my work was airports. | ||
| Airport pickups. | ||
| Take people out. | ||
| Take them to New Hampshire. | ||
| Take them anywhere from Logan Airport. | ||
| All like in a hundred mile spiral, you know, in any direction. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah, so there's always a bunch of people waiting around. | ||
| That's the other crazy thing about limos is those motherfuckers work insane amount of hours. | ||
| It's not just a crazy regular job, like 12 hours a day, 16, 17, 18, go back home, sleep for a few hours, they'll call you in the morning. | ||
| I worked until 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| These motherfuckers were calling me at 6, asking me to come back in. | ||
| I was like, you're fucking crazy. | ||
| And they were like, look, you got debt, you got credit card payment problems, you got this, you got that. | ||
| We'll take care of you. | ||
| I'll tell you what, we got a fucking bounty of work. | ||
| And they're like, see Mikey? | ||
| Mikey over here? | ||
| The guy had a Boston College sticker on his Cadillac. | ||
| Didn't go to college. | ||
| He just liked Boston College. | ||
| He was just a limo driver. | ||
| He was kind of a sad character. | ||
| This guy, all he did was work. | ||
| And he's like, he makes a good living. | ||
| He doesn't have to bust his ass. | ||
| You know, he's in here 16, 17, 18 hours a day sometimes. | ||
| And he was like, that's how you do it. | ||
| And he gets in his car and he drives off. | ||
| And we're like, he's got a nice apartment. | ||
| He's got a nice Cadillac. | ||
| He's driving. | ||
| Meanwhile, this guy was a slave. | ||
| He was a slave to veal scallopini at the nice Italian restaurant that he could get anytime he wants. | ||
| He was a slave to the fact that he had a nice apartment with a nice view. | ||
| He looked out his window. | ||
| He felt like a winner. | ||
| And he was a slave to his Cadillac with his BC sticker on it. | ||
| And this fucking guy worked every day. | ||
| And you could do that. | ||
| The good thing was, if you were in a hole, you were in a financial hole, it was good, they paid well, you could work and you could make good living. | ||
| That guy made more than 60 grand a year driving limos. | ||
| And this was back in 1990, not even, 1989. So it was a long time ago. | ||
| You know what else is cool about Uber? | ||
| I'm sorry, Joey. | ||
| No, go ahead, I'm sorry. | ||
| No, go ahead. | ||
| No, Uber also, you know, listen, Uber obviously is five hours more than a cab. | ||
| So what that does is that only cuts everybody again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that lowers the price. | ||
| I mean, it's good for us, but it's like some... | ||
| Well, it's good for them, too. | ||
| It's just bad for cabs. | ||
| At least they're busy. | ||
| It's bad for cabs. | ||
| At least they're busy. | ||
| You know, at least instead of, you know, that same ride would cost $85. | ||
| Now with Uber, it probably costs $55, right? | ||
| Did I ever tell you when I drove Jeff Beck? | ||
| I drove Jeff Beck. | ||
| Well, I don't know if... | ||
| Yeah, he was in my van, and the... | ||
| The manager, I was picking up rock stars on a regular basis, and the manager for Annie Lennox was there too. | ||
| And we went to some hotel where we saw Annie Lennox, but I wanted to get Stevie Ray Vaughan. | ||
| I was a big Stevie Ray Vaughan fan. | ||
| Stevie Ray Vaughan refused limos, would not take limos, rode it in cabs. | ||
| All he did was ride in cabs. | ||
| You have a limo waiting for Steve Ray Vaughn. | ||
| He'd be like, mm, thanks. | ||
| And he'd be like, taxi. | ||
| He'd put his hand up, get a taxi, throw his bag in the back seat, and bring his guitar in there with him. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| He was gone. | ||
| He didn't want to ride in your limo, man. | ||
| He wasn't interested. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's really kind of interesting. | ||
| Because they had a limo for him at Logan Airport in Boston. | ||
| He's like, eh, I'm not interested. | ||
| He probably liked the thick smell of soup farts and cologne. | ||
| Well, he probably could do heroin much more comfortably in the back of a couch. | ||
| Oh yeah, right. | ||
| I don't know if this was the time where he was doing heroin or if he was just being authentic. | ||
| Some people just decide that in order to do real art like that, like real Stevie Ray Vaughan type music, you gotta be down. | ||
| You gotta be in the gutter. | ||
| You gotta be down with the people. | ||
| It's not about the gutter. | ||
| A cab driver's not the gutter, but a cab driver's down. | ||
| That's a real dude. | ||
| You're driving around a city, and you're taking a cab, and the cab is driven by a guy who lives in the city. | ||
| That's a guy who's working, but he's also on the grind. | ||
| That's a real dude, you know? | ||
| Sure, man. | ||
| That's one way to look at things, but every time I get in a fucking cab, I feel like somebody just maced me with Drakkar. | ||
| I don't feel like I'm with the fucking people. | ||
| I feel like I'm in a gas chamber filled with shitty cologne. | ||
| Well, Drakkar's alright, man. | ||
| If you're trying to get laid and you live in Revere. | ||
| Not when it's mixed with garlic burps and the smell of somebody's rotting prostate. | ||
| Every day they just pour jacar into their asshole to try to cover up this rotting stink of their intestines. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Duncan, Saturday Night Comedy Store? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Joe Diaz, where are you going to be at? | ||
| Next week, I'm with Ari Shafir at Cobb's. | ||
| Suck upon it, people. | ||
| Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. | ||
| Suck upon it. | ||
| Get your shit together. | ||
| That's a fucking fantastic show. | ||
| Strap that motherfucker on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. | ||
| Don't fuck around. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Ari Shaffir is very funny right now, man. | ||
| He's on point. | ||
| Yeah, no, we got this. | ||
| He's on point. | ||
| This is a good fucking show. | ||
| This is a great show. | ||
| Well, you know, everybody's been accelerating. | ||
| It's been fun to watch. | ||
| I'm not going to say the bit, but the bit that you and I talked about on the phone that you're doing now, I don't want to say what it is, but it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Ah, thanks, man. | ||
| I love watching everybody hit some new levels. | ||
| That Liberace bit is one of the funniest bits I've seen in decades. | ||
| I'm fucking writing new shit. | ||
| I'm trying, man. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It is hard. | ||
| It's so hard to write and tuck something away and go, I'm going to write something around it. | ||
| And you get on stage, but you know what? | ||
| I'm getting into the 50-minute bit now. | ||
| I'm starting to dig those long sets now. | ||
| I'm starting to realize that for years the 15-minute fuck-around set in town was working. | ||
| Now I just stay home and sleep. | ||
| I just go into town the night early and do Thursday night and bring the notebook with me. | ||
| And by Friday I'm fucking loose, man. | ||
| It's really nice to... | ||
| This is a different game. | ||
| You notice the difference game and the hour game? | ||
| The hour game is different than the 15-year-old game. | ||
| Yeah, you learn a lot more, man. | ||
| And the only way to do it is to do it. | ||
| It's like anything else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's to do it. | |
| You can talk about it. | ||
| I'm trying to write my hour. | ||
| You're not going to write it, bro. | ||
| You gotta get up off your ass and go out and do it. | ||
| I felt the difference when I lived in New York, too. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I did very few sets in New York City. | ||
| I was like, this seven-minute set is just not cutting it. | ||
| 10, 10 minutes. | ||
| That's not cutting it either. | ||
| Like I barely got warmed up. | ||
| I barely got, barely get cranking. | ||
| And when you're going on the road and you're doing these long sets, it's the difference between doing a trailer and doing a movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, the trailer, you know, you develop a totally different style. | ||
| You have this real quick, get to the point quickly, shock them early, be nice to them, but get your point across. | ||
| Thank you, goodnight. | ||
| And it's a sprint. | ||
| It's a wild sprint. | ||
| You're running up a hill. | ||
| But the set, when you're doing an hour and 10, hour and 15, hour and 30, that's a different animal. | ||
| That's an animal where you're establishing a mindset. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta do that all the time to do that. | ||
| And that's such a jarring thing when you've been doing that and then you come back and do a 15-minute set. | ||
| It feels so fucking weird. | ||
| It's less jarring though than the other way. | ||
| The other way is way brutal. | ||
| When you're going from a 15-minute set and you think you know what you're doing and all of a sudden you have to do 45 and you get 35 minutes in and you're like, I'm done. | ||
| Yikesies. | ||
| Yikesies, I got no material left. | ||
| Where are you from, sir? | ||
| And the fucking panic in your eyes. | ||
| And just thinking, do I have any jokes I haven't done? | ||
| Is there anything I haven't done? | ||
| Is there anything I'm working on that I haven't done? | ||
| Scrambling through the Rolodex of your stone brain desperately for some scrap of a joke. | ||
| Well, for me back then, it was not even stoned. | ||
| It was hot. | ||
| It was totally straight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was totally straight brain. | ||
| For the first few years, I didn't even have a beer before I went on stage. | ||
| I didn't want to have that as a crutch. | ||
| I remember the first time I went on stage, I was shitting my pants. | ||
| I was like, maybe I should go get a drink, calm myself down. | ||
| And I was like, stupid, if you do that, you're going to need a drink every time you go on stage. | ||
| Just take your medicine, dummy. | ||
| I remember telling myself that, and I just went out. | ||
| 21 years old, take my medicine. | ||
| Smart boy. | ||
| Luckily. | ||
| Crazy and smart at the same time. | ||
| Crazy enough to know. | ||
| It's like a really smart kid who gets a 500 horsepower car and really shouldn't be able to drive it. | ||
| Like, you gotta be careful, stupid. | ||
| You gotta know what the fuck you're doing with this thing. | ||
| You're gonna hit the gas and fly off a cliff. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Duncan Trussell looking with the fucking beard. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Looking sharp with the fucking... | ||
| You've abandoned the fedora. | ||
| Is this permanent? | ||
| Can I shave your head? | ||
| No! | ||
| No! | ||
| Look at this, my friend. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| That's what freedom looks like. | ||
| No way, man. | ||
| Oh, you say no way. | ||
| No, that looks great, but I'm in no way. | ||
| I'm never shaving my fucking head, man. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I am happy that I made all the mistakes that I made. | ||
| All the mistakes that I made made me who I am today, and I've made them work for me. | ||
| But if I could change one thing, it would be... | ||
| Not that I would necessarily... | ||
| I like the fact that I talk about the fact that I panicked about losing my hair. | ||
| So I got hair transplants and I got a stupid scar on the back of my head. | ||
| But, logically, the one thing that makes the least amount of sense... | ||
| I should have shaved my fucking head when I was like 21. I should have said, you know what? | ||
| This ain't gonna last. | ||
| I should have just went with it. | ||
| Because this is so comfortable. | ||
| It's so easy to do. | ||
| It's so relaxing. | ||
| It's a non-factor now. | ||
| And I know it's still a factor for you, my friend. | ||
| Here's the thing, man. | ||
| Here's the real factor. | ||
| You do every single thing cult leaders do, and I figure, shaving my head, I might as well go to the airport and start handing out USBs with your podcast. | ||
| Just a little FYI, if I ever do start a cult, I'm not interested in being a leader. | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| They never are. | ||
| You're a leader. | ||
| You can be lead. | ||
| Tell me what to do. | ||
| I'll let you go. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You can be the leader. | ||
| This is what they play on the documentary after the mass suicide. | ||
| Listen, behind that comet is a spaceship. | ||
| It is a spaceship, but they won't take you unless you cut your balls off. | ||
| So it's up to you. | ||
| You want to live on this earth and be in perpetual hell? | ||
| Or you want to cut your balls off, put on the Nikes, and get on this fucking spaceship? | ||
| God, Duncan! | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Take some Alphabrain before you do it. | ||
| Take six. | ||
| And do some jumping jacks, the Alpha Brain, some refill, some kettlebells, a hemp force. | ||
| When is the vanilla coming out anyway? | ||
| It's out. | ||
| I just got a new bottle of it. | ||
| It's vanilla with acai, hemp force protein powder. | ||
| It's fucking special. | ||
| Ooh, delicious. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| We nailed it. | ||
| It took a long time. | ||
| This is not a slow process. | ||
| First of all, Aubrey is amazing. | ||
| You want to talk about a pure person, a guy with pure intentions, and a hard-working dude, and a smart guy, and deserves every good thing that's happened to him. | ||
| He's just an amazing guy. | ||
| He's a really unique individual. | ||
| You get it from his podcast, you get it from his... | ||
| He puts down these videos. | ||
| He made this one video about the psychedelic experience. | ||
| He's a smart motherfucker. | ||
| And I found no weaknesses in his fence. | ||
| You know, like poking people's fences and shit and trying to figure out where the weakness is. | ||
| He's the real deal, man. | ||
| He's a young guy, too. | ||
| It's very admirable watching someone go about trying to make a business and do it correctly and do it in this day and age with all the scrutiny of the internet and all the cunts just raining down shit rain on your head, just opening their asshole above your head. | ||
| Blah! | ||
| It's emptying their bowels of failure upon your head at every point. | ||
| And in their defense, if you pay attention to most of human behavior, you're going to find people tend to gravitate towards the worst if they can get away with it. | ||
| They get away with what they can get away with. | ||
| But the beautiful thing about people who are true psychedelic explorers, and that's a fucking gross term, but I'm going to use it anyway even though it's been co-opted, True psychedelic explorers really are trying to do the right thing at all times, and they understand that you have this beautiful way of describing this thing about acting in a famine state, | ||
| and that it fucks people up, because they act in this famine state, and the same amount of resources are available, but you go into a panic where someone who acts in a state of community and abundance has a much different reaction from the same amount of resources, the same circumstances, completely based on the attitude. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| And to get that sense of abundance, you actually have to experience that there is abundance. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You can't fake it. | ||
| You need to connect with what some people call the source or whatever you want to call it. | ||
| But once you connect with that thing, you realize that you're going to be fine. | ||
| Your body isn't going to be fine. | ||
| The planet, as George Carlin says, the planet's fine, but humans are fucked. | ||
| Well, you go into that state, you realize, well, you're not permanent, but you realize there's a much, much greater thing happening than you. | ||
| And once you plug into that, it gets more difficult to get back into those ego games that are usually based on defending whatever you consider to be the most important thing in your life. | ||
| Yeah, no, I completely agree. | ||
| Yeah, I completely see where you're coming from. | ||
| Joey Diaz, you done? | ||
| You know me, Doug. | ||
| I'm just waiting here for something. | ||
| I need to see an opening. | ||
| I need to see something to feed. | ||
| You guys are talking about plans. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Fucking Galacticos. | ||
| We're talking about North Bergen, New Jersey, 1978. Slinging dick like a fucking... | ||
| Like a banshee on a trapeze. | ||
| Red Band, what's going on? | ||
| With a dick like a carpet roll. | ||
| Why are you fucking quiet, Red Band? | ||
| You're not feeding me lines. | ||
| You're not upsetting me about... | ||
| Joey, this is not Red Band's fault. | ||
| Both you guys are too high. | ||
| You're not fucking talking to me about the fucking... | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| You don't get a chance to talk on this podcast. | ||
| I'm over here waiting for something to drop knowledge when nobody's giving me a fucking lob. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| They're not even throwing me a fastball, they're just throwing me curves. | ||
| Who had the biggest dick in your high school basketball team that you showed that picture? | ||
| By the way, Joey Diaz has this live podcast he does once a month and I was on his last one and it was probably one of the funniest One of the most fun times I've ever had in my life. | ||
| You only do it once a month now? | ||
| If I'm busy, I can't do Saturdays. | ||
| I switched up the end of September into the Saturday night or Friday night. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| We had a fucking blast. | ||
| It really was a blast. | ||
| Really was a blast. | ||
| Because a lot of people work during the week. | ||
| So I've been trying to work it out, but this month I got busy. | ||
| I can only do a Wednesday. | ||
| But I'll try in November to do a Saturday night or something. | ||
| Yeah, I think they're a different dynamic. | ||
| I don't think it's the best way to do all of them, but it's fun to do some of them somewhere. | ||
| It really is to see what you draw from the audience. | ||
| And that spot is a great spot to do it. | ||
| And you get Blaze, and it's dark, and you go up there, and it's the perfect place and time to be funny. | ||
| It's like going to where they shot Gladiator. | ||
| You gotta fucking kill some motherfucker when they throw you in that stage, correct? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coliseum! | |
| Same thing at the Ice House in that little stage, too. | ||
| The energy is so against you. | ||
| Remember, you have people to the left of you, people to the right of you, and people in the fucking front of you, which is very rare. | ||
| You have people taking your corners away, but not that wall. | ||
| You can't bomb there. | ||
| There's no way to run. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| And it's perfect. | ||
| So you're up there and you're fucking... | ||
| It's like that little cheetah the other night. | ||
| That little stage was perfect. | ||
| Even though you had people behind you. | ||
| Sometimes that type of shit is good. | ||
| You're forced to be real in an intimate environment like that. | ||
| You only get five rows. | ||
| Cheetahs are just like five, six rows. | ||
| And it couldn't have been better. | ||
| That story that I told, that was the best I ever told it ever. | ||
| And part of it is because of the energy in the room. | ||
| The energy in the room. | ||
| Same thing at the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, to do a podcast in the theater, that's not for me, I don't think. | ||
| I think it would turn it into a show host condition. | ||
| Hey, Duncan, look. | ||
| Someone sent you a tweet that says, except the inevitable. | ||
| You look beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look beautiful. | ||
| It's Duncan bald. | ||
| That's really good photoshopper. | ||
| I'll retweet it, Brian. | ||
| If Duncan went to prison tomorrow, you come out in 10 years, that's what you look like. | ||
| Nobody would recognize you. | ||
| Okay, I just retweeted it. | ||
| It's Duncan, trust me. | ||
| Put it online. | ||
| Bro, you look sexy as fuck like that. | ||
| I had a fucking swastika to the forehead, and that's... | ||
| Hey! | ||
| You always have to go towards evil. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| What about all the Jews out there? | ||
| They were fans. | ||
| It is your bitches. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Talking about Manson. | ||
| Big time pimp. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| That's sexy. | ||
| See, that doesn't look that bad. | ||
| That looks beautiful. | ||
| Come on, Duncan. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| That looks better than you look right now. | ||
| But Malin Khan did not accurately depict my hydrocephalic head. | ||
| That's a nice smooth head. | ||
| I've got a warped, misshapen... | ||
| You don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| I have a fucking smiley scar in the back of my head. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's the ultimate test of your ego. | ||
| Your ego is trying to convince you that you look better with hair. | ||
| You do not. | ||
| You look different with hair. | ||
| I like it with hair. | ||
| Okay, that's great then. | ||
| But you don't look different. | ||
| Why is there a compulsion in all cult leaders to have people shave their head? | ||
| This is something that really drives me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Makes you submit. | |
| Because you can't make them shave their asshole. | ||
| Nobody else is like, you gotta shave your head. | ||
| No one I know is like, shave your head! | ||
| It'll free you! | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| You can follow Duncan Trussell on Twitter. | ||
| That's D-U-N-C-A-N-T-R-U-S-S-E-L-L Duncan Trussell in the motherfucking house. | ||
| Don't bother following him on Facebook because most of those people aren't even really Duncan. | ||
| You're talking to some strange girl. | ||
| Some girl pretending to be Duncan who's in love with Duncan. | ||
| There's no imposter. | ||
| There's fucking plenty of imposter Duncans. | ||
| They're sprouting up as we speak. | ||
| How dare you lie to those people out there and not prepare them for the inevitable. | ||
| Joey motherfucking Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You can't get him on Twitter as Joey Diaz. | ||
| Mad Flavor. | ||
| Because he is Mad Flavor. | ||
| Mad Flavor. | ||
| He is the only semi-white dude who's allowed to have a nom de pleur. | ||
| Is that how you say it? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's a pseudonym, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Mad Flavor. | ||
| Mad Flavor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cobbs. | |
| With the flying Jew, Ari Shafir. | ||
| One of the best shows you're going to see, period, anywhere. | ||
| You're going to have a good time. | ||
| Tell's up there this week. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And then we come in. | ||
| Christina and P is there Sunday. | ||
| Tommy Segura from Sunday night. | ||
| And then we come in on fucking Wednesday. | ||
| That's how we do it. | ||
| Opening up doors. | ||
| Promote. | ||
| We're ready. | ||
| We're there, cocksucker. | ||
| Bring the reefer, THC, the Santana alms. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| We're coming in hot. | ||
| We're coming in hot! | ||
| We're coming in hot! | ||
| This weekend I'm at the Ontario Improv with the one and only Tommy motherfucking Segura, AKA Tommy Bunz. | ||
| Bunz. | ||
| AKA High and Tight. Bunz. | ||
| And he's there Friday and Saturday and then on Sunday it's the wonderful and luscious Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe on Sunday. | ||
| In the house. | ||
| Perhaps Joey Diaz will be stopping by this weekend, but we can't promise anything. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| He may, he may not, he may nap. | ||
| Trying to get down there. | ||
| I'm trying to get down there. | ||
| and go deep into the abyss and come back with new information in a physical form. | ||
| You know me, guys. | ||
| Brian Redman, what's up with you? | ||
| You got a Friday night at the Ice House tonight? | ||
| No, I'm going to be at LA Podfest tonight with Mark Maron and Doug Benson But October 31st, Death Squads at American Comedy Co. | ||
| for Halloween with Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, and a lot of surprise guests. | ||
| And then November 20th, San Francisco Punchline. | ||
| San Francisco Punchline, by the way, one of the ten greatest clubs in the history of comedy. | ||
| One of the ten greatest. | ||
| San Francisco Punchline? | ||
| Love it. | ||
| It's right up there with me. | ||
| It's right up there with the Comedy Store or the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| Right up there with the Comedy Store in Hollywood. | ||
| Those perfectly designed clubs. | ||
| Punchline San Francisco is the fucking bee's knees, Duncan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Peace. | |
| Anything to add? | ||
| This is a beautiful 10th podcast or 400th podcast. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We love you. | |
| That's it. | ||
| I fucking love these motherfuckers. | ||
| We love these people. | ||
| That moonshine was good. | ||
| Can you appreciate all this is going on? | ||
| To me it seems craziness. | ||
| It seems like it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| None of it makes sense. | ||
| There's too many people. | ||
| There's too many numbers. | ||
| It's too nutty. | ||
| I don't want to think about it. | ||
| We just did Toronto. | ||
| We did Toronto, me, Callan, and Tommy Segura. | ||
| Might have been the fucking craziest weekend we've ever had ever. | ||
| It was madness. | ||
| When Brian Callan went on stage to open up the show, I really wish I filmed it. | ||
| I fucked up and didn't film it. | ||
| They went crazy. | ||
| Ape shit. | ||
| I mean, they went fucking ape shit. | ||
| They went crazy. | ||
| And then Secure came out, they went crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Toronto was amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It's hard to quantify how fucking good it was. | ||
| Toronto's such a cool city. | ||
| It's about as cool as it gets. | ||
| But this thing that we're doing right now, this podcast, has changed my life. | ||
| And I know it's changed your life, and I know it's changed all of our lives. | ||
| It's some crazy shit. | ||
| I ain't mad at nobody. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| We found a hole. | ||
| We found a hole. | ||
| Pulling people through. | ||
| Come on through, fucks. | ||
| Alright, we love the shit out of you guys and we will see you next week. | ||
| We got a lot of people coming up. | ||
| I'm in negotiations right now. | ||
| Not negotiations. | ||
| Conversations with Sam Harris, Maynard Keenan, Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| We've got a lot coming up. | ||
| Greg Proops is coming up. | ||
| We've got Graham Hancock is coming back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| We should get Dr. Drew, man. | ||
| Oh, I would love to get Dr. Drew. | ||
| David Wilcox. | ||
| We've got a lot of people coming up. | ||
| A lot of interesting ones into November. | ||
| I booked a bunch of cool people in November as well. | ||
| So Dave Asprey's coming back. | ||
| We've got a lot of people coming back. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Thank you everybody for allowing us to get to this crazy number of 400. We love the fuck out of you people. | ||
| We can't believe that this has gotten to where it is. | ||
| We never saw it coming. | ||
| Brian and I started almost 400 shows ago. | ||
| Almost four years ago. | ||
| Just hanging out in my house with a laptop. | ||
| Snowflakes. | ||
| Spinning Apple logo. | ||
| Yeah, and here we are, having a good time, together, still, growing. | ||
| And we grow from you, too. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of you guys. | ||
| And believe me, it's no small thing that we have a great sense of... | ||
| We owe you guys. | ||
| I mean, that's how I feel. | ||
| We have a great sense of attachment. | ||
| This is not just a one-way street. | ||
| And we want you to know that we appreciate the fuck out of you guys. | ||
| There's a massive amount of appreciation from Joey, from Ari, from Brian, from Duncan, from all of us. | ||
| We love the fuck out of you people. | ||
| From everybody. | ||
| Tate and Eddie Bravo feels the same. | ||
| We all feel the same. | ||
| And thank you to all our sponsors as well, all of them, including the one that sponsored this show, LegalZoom. | ||
| Use the code name Rogan, LegalZoom.com, and save yourself some money. | ||
| Squarespace.com, use the code word JRE to get yourself a $110 awesome bonus situation type activity. | ||
| And Onnit.com, use the code name Rogan, save 10% off any other supplements. | ||
| Alright, we love the fuck out of you guys. |
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