July 9, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:38:16
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha, ha! | |
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Dude, my monkey noise. | ||
| Have you started already? | ||
| Yeah, because I already had to start with you. | ||
| Oh, that's okay. | ||
| We just went live. | ||
| Hey, everybody. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| We understand, folks. | ||
| We hear your story. | ||
| We hear your plight that Ustream's been fucking up for you. | ||
| It's been, what is it called? | ||
| Buffering? | ||
| I just lost my mic. | ||
| You know what I've noticed though, Joe, is that a lot of it's different browsers. | ||
| So if it's fucking with you on one browser, try a different one because the Flash plugin alone has been just a cunny bitch. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like on YouTube, I have problems on certain browsers where it does certain things and I change it around. | ||
| I've been noticing it's a lot of browser issues. | ||
| I'd use Chrome for the most part. | ||
| What do you use? | ||
| I use Safari. | ||
| I went back to Safari. | ||
| Why'd you go back to Safari? | ||
| Because it seems like it's usually the best when it comes to working with everything. | ||
| But Flash has been fucking with everything. | ||
| It didn't used to, right? | ||
| It didn't used to be the best one. | ||
| I don't think so, no. | ||
| But it's always been solid for me. | ||
| Chrome's good, but the problem with Chrome is that I... Just go crazy with extensions. | ||
| And next thing I know, it fucks things up. | ||
| Like Adblock Plus or whatever. | ||
| That shit fucks things up. | ||
| And then you forget that that might be the reason why. | ||
| I'm a safari type of motherfucker. | ||
| This episode, speaking of the web, is brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| You go to squarespace.com forward slash Roke Joe. | ||
| What is my name? | ||
| Squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| If you go and check it out, you could design your own website, Joey Diaz. | ||
| I know you could pull it off. | ||
| It's not difficult. | ||
| I'm too stupid. | ||
| You say that, man, but I'm telling you with something like Squarespace, you could do it. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| I'm not sure you're that much farther behind me. | ||
| You know, Brian does them while the show's going on. | ||
| He's whacking out websites. | ||
| You know what I'm saying, dork? | ||
| What's interesting about it is you can try it. | ||
| It's not interesting. | ||
| What's excellent about it is you can try it without actually paying for it first. | ||
| So you can go. | ||
| You sign up. | ||
| You don't have to give your credit card. | ||
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| Just try it out. | ||
| Start building your website. | ||
| And then if you decide to purchase Squarespace, use the offer code JOE7 I have had many sponsors on this podcast, and I can tell you this. | ||
| One sponsor that I've never had any negative feedback on, that's Squarespace. | ||
| No one's ever said anything bad about it. | ||
| People say bad about it. | ||
| People fucking find a way to complain about anything. | ||
| I'm not saying that their complaints aren't necessarily valid. | ||
| You know, I think sometimes people are correct. | ||
| They're overjudgmental, but oftentimes they are correct. | ||
| But Squarespace, 100%, not one person has said anything bad about it. | ||
| To me, yet. | ||
| Now watch. | ||
| I'll go on Twitter and they'll cunt it up for me. | ||
| Anyway, go to squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Use the offer code Joe7 and save yourself. | ||
| 10% off. | ||
| We're also brought to you by LegalZoom. | ||
| LegalZoom is a website where you can get a lot of shit done that ordinarily you would have to go to a lawyer for. | ||
| You can incorporate or you can form an LLC, which is limited legal... | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
| What does LLC mean exactly? | ||
| It's where you make a company so you could dump all your money into, and then once it fucks up, you run and start a new company. | ||
| Yeah, and you don't owe anybody any money or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I've had people that have been fucked over like that. | ||
| You can do an LLC at LegalZoom for only $100. | ||
| So if you want to start fucking people off, it's only $99. | ||
| I don't know what happens. | ||
| You might want to also get a will at that time, which you can also do at LegalZoom. | ||
| That's another good idea. | ||
| When you start fucking people over, they get mad and they want to shoot you. | ||
| So you can make your own will for just $69. | ||
| You can also get living trusts, power of attorney, and more. | ||
| In the past 12 years or over, 2 million Americans have used LegalZoom and they've saved fuckloads of money. | ||
| It's a sweet setup. | ||
| And if you use the code ROGAN in the referral box, you'll save yourself some money. | ||
| Remember that LegalZoom is not a law firm. | ||
| They just provide self-help services at your specific direction. | ||
| And they can also connect you with an independent attorney. | ||
| Independent attorney? | ||
| No. | ||
| Attorney. | ||
| Fuckhead. | ||
| They can also connect you with an independent attorney if you need additional guidance. | ||
| So check it out. | ||
| LegalZoom.com. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Boom. | ||
| Shocker. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| What was the other one I had to do? | ||
| Squarespace. | ||
| Oh, Stamps.com. | ||
| Stamps.com, which is appropriate because the new Death Squad shirts are on pre-order as of right now. | ||
| If you go to DeathSquad.tv, my favorite... | ||
| Of all the designs that Brian has created, I actually love this one. | ||
| It's fucking badass. | ||
| I love the cat on the last one. | ||
| He was my favorite cat, but this is a cool shirt. | ||
| I love the colors, too. | ||
| And it's a very high-quality shirt, as opposed to... | ||
| It's not that the other ones were low-quality, but the standard way you get a t-shirt when you have a big design, like that Desquad logo, is they take a vinyl... | ||
| I don't know if it's vinyl, whatever it is, but some sort of sticker. | ||
| It's like a thick... | ||
| The process is just a bunch of... | ||
| It feels like you have a plastic shield on. | ||
| So when you're working out, you feel like you almost have armor on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's very uncomfortable when you have a lot of colors. | ||
| When you get sweaty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you get sweaty, it gets weird. | ||
| So this process actually bleaches the shirt and then re-dyes the ink in it. | ||
| So it's actually just the cotton. | ||
| So you can't even feel the design. | ||
| So it's an upgrade from the last couple of shirts I did. | ||
| I wanted to have a little bit better quality. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, he saw how my higher primate shirts be rocking it. | ||
| Like, damn, son, why are they so sweet? | ||
| Oh, you know, because of my man Mike Maxwell drawing me some funky chimps. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| So these will be coming out really soon. | ||
| So jump on them now. | ||
| I mean, I see a shitload of these old ones every time I perform, including this past weekend when Joey Diaz and I were rocking the joint in Vegas. | ||
| Goddamn, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Goddamn. | ||
| We'll talk about that. | ||
| We'll talk about that. | ||
| We'll talk about the UFC and more. | ||
| Stamps.com and LegalSquarespace.zoom. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not what I mean. | |
| What? | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| Is that a real question? | ||
| Stamps.com. | ||
| It's not really a real fuck-up. | ||
| Could you imagine if I was that far high? | ||
| Stamps.com. | ||
| If you click on it, they have that old-school-y microphone in the upper right-hand corner. | ||
| Well, if you click on that old-school-y microphone and enter in the code name JRE, which stands for the Joe Rogan Experience, You can save an ass load of money, including its $110 thing off. | ||
| You get a free scale, a digital scale, which you are not to use for marijuana, sir. | ||
| This is for sending packages, asshole. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Do not send marijuana through the post office. | ||
| Use UPS, okay? | ||
| Because the post office, it's against the law. | ||
| They'll put you in a fucking cage, right? | ||
| I tell it once. | ||
| They'll break your shit in Hollywood and take the weed themselves. | ||
| They're fucking savages. | ||
| And you can't blame them. | ||
| If I was a mailman, I'd be ripping up envelopes too that get sent out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The code's a sweet code. | ||
| You save a lot of money off of what they normally offer. | ||
| But even if you didn't have my code, it's a great deal. | ||
| You get this sweet digital scale. | ||
| And what you do is you print. | ||
| Say if you're selling anything, like Brian's selling those T-shirts. | ||
| You just make it yourself. | ||
| Have it printed up yourself. | ||
| And... | ||
| You just weigh the packages on a digital scale, you print up everything off of your computer, bam, hand it to the postman, done. | ||
| I used it today, actually. | ||
| I haven't used the mail in a long time, and I didn't have a stamp. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, I gotta go to the store, and I'm like, oh yeah, I have stamps.com. | ||
| And I just put the envelope in the printer, bam, just put it in the mailbox. | ||
| It's so easy, kid. | ||
| You can't go wrong. | ||
| Go to Stamps.com and use the code JRE and save yourself some money on an excellent service. | ||
| And I'm supposed to say something official. | ||
| They give you shit to say something official. | ||
| It's a $110 value. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What it is is a really good deal. | ||
| That's what I think about Stamps.com. | ||
| I think it just totally makes sense. | ||
| If you're smart, why would you want to go to the fucking post office? | ||
| Saves you time, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, dog. | ||
| You don't have that many years left. | ||
| I don't have 20 minutes to go down there and wait for the fucking... | ||
| It's a nightmare going to the post office. | ||
| It could be a lot more than 20 minutes if you go to the wrong post office at the wrong time. | ||
| I've been there before where it took me an hour and 10 minutes just to get to the counter. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, there was a gang of people and they all had shit to weigh. | ||
| It was around Christmas. | ||
| I was an asshole. | ||
| I was like, whoa, this is bad. | ||
| I hate going to poker. | ||
| I got a box at the P.O. Box. | ||
| I go there and you got to get away the line. | ||
| And I forget to go and I get emails from people. | ||
| They sent my shit back. | ||
| Yeah, and I don't want to burden these fucking people either. | ||
| Who wants to be the 30th person in line that day? | ||
| Stacks of shit for them to send out and they're tired of doing your goddamn work for you. | ||
| Stamps.com just needs to get a passport thing, because that's the only reason I have to go to the post office now, when you have to do things like passports or shit like that. | ||
| That's just as annoying, because you're mixing passport people in with fucking regular mail people. | ||
| You mean like getting a new passport? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
| Yeah, that's where I got my passport recently. | ||
| It was a pain in the ass. | ||
| At the post office? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, why is that together? | ||
| That's like drugs, tobacco, and firearms. | ||
| You know when they do that? | ||
| Tobacco, alcohol, and firearms. | ||
| They're all together. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is... | ||
| Why are those three together? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Passports and stamps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you can send a package or you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever you're sending through the air. | ||
| Let me ask you something, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Why would drugs, tobacco, and firearms show up to arrest you for tobacco? | ||
| Like if you weren't selling them with the stickers on them? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Or maybe you... | ||
| Well, you could sell stolen shit. | ||
| It could be that. | ||
| You could be, yeah, you could be like not having a tax stamp or something. | ||
| So like you're a company that's trying to sell it and not pay taxes on it. | ||
| People are crazy, man. | ||
| You always hear about people that are like running businesses for like a couple of years, gangster style, cash only, pay no taxes, and they just vanish. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| You know, we had this lady yesterday from the OxyContin Express who was talking about those pain clinics in Florida. | ||
| And one of them was cash only. | ||
| They were there for two years. | ||
| They made $40 million. | ||
| And then they got arrested with the jail. | ||
| Now, what do the pain clinics do? | ||
| They hook you up with some Oxys, dog. | ||
| Oh, they give you the Oxys? | ||
| Yeah, if you're interested, go listen to it. | ||
| Because the whole story was fucking amazing. | ||
| We could talk about that on the podcast, too. | ||
| Did she give you any Oxys? | ||
| All day, dawg. | ||
| We just got all oxied out together. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, as always. | ||
| Can't say Onnit in a different way. | ||
| I've tried. | ||
| I've tried commercials in a different way. | ||
| I've tried. | ||
| If you've never heard this podcast before, Onnit is a company, in full disclosure, that I have a financial stake in. | ||
| And essentially we sell really just shit that I use. | ||
| Shit that Aubrey and I use. | ||
| Shit that people use if they're trying to get in shape. | ||
| It's like we sell a lot of kettlebells and we have these things called primal bells. | ||
| Kettlebells with this cool chimpanzee face we had sculpted into it. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| Medicine balls. | ||
| All types of things you need for strength and conditioning workouts. | ||
| The type of full body workouts that I think are the most beneficial as far as application in sports or in your everyday life. | ||
| Just picking up shit. | ||
| You don't pick up shit just by curling things. | ||
| If you're smart, you use your whole body. | ||
| And when you do exercises like kettlebells and steel maces and club bells, those are the type of strength and fitness pieces of equipment that sort of emphasize those style of workouts, the style of workouts where you use your whole body as one unit instead of really breaking things down to isolation exercises, which people used to do back in the day. | ||
| And it's okay if you want to look all sexy. | ||
| You want to have some sexy biceps? | ||
| If that's your only goal, then go. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Go, you fucking sexy guido, you. | ||
| Do those curls. | ||
| Get the back of your triceps on one of those curling... | ||
| Remember those things, Joey Diaz? | ||
| Those preacher curls? | ||
| Everybody would do that. | ||
| Everybody wanted the big guns. | ||
| The preacher curl. | ||
| One of the least useful positions you ever find yourself in. | ||
| Double arm barred, hanging over a couch. | ||
| And you're doing curls. | ||
| Anyway, go to Onnit.com, use the code name ROGAN, and save yourself some shackles. | ||
| Joey Coco Diaz is here, and we're fixing to get busy, okay? | ||
| Check yourself before you wreck yourself. | ||
| Big dicks in your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back to your house. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Shaka shaka shaka bang, son. | ||
| We back. | ||
| We live. | ||
| We with Joe Diaz. | ||
| Joey gave me a pot candy and I got high holding it in my hand. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I held it in my hand and I got nervous. | ||
| And that's the low end one. | ||
| These people have broken up into hybrid, sativa, and indica. | ||
| And that is, even Renazizi was saying he likes the chibachubra. | ||
| He likes the full boat one, the white label. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Renazizi goes deep. | ||
| Death. | ||
| Renazizi's up there on Long Island go in deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those things there. | |
| I've had them with coffee in the morning before a flight, and they fucking pick me up. | ||
| I don't drink energy drinks. | ||
| Because I did blow, but these things fucking picked me right up, so they're not bad. | ||
| I gave you the pain relief one, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| These guys are going deep. | ||
| If you do an energy drink, it makes you want to do blow? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I did blow for all those years, so they don't work. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| I'd drink fucking Red Bull and go to sleep. | ||
| I'd drink coffee and go to sleep, to be honest. | ||
| Tate could do that, too. | ||
| I could drink a cup of coffee. | ||
| I used to be able to do that when I had sleep apnea. | ||
| I used to be able to just... | ||
| I could fucking just hit the crib right after a cup of coffee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Oh my god, I can drink two things at Starbucks and fucking pass out. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Cuban coffee fucks me up. | ||
| That Persian coffee, is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Greek coffee, there's some coffee that's fucking out there. | ||
| The caffeine is just outrageous. | ||
| Greek or one of those countries. | ||
| A lot of those coffees that people think are like really strong, it's like the taste of it, it's not necessarily the caffeine. | ||
| Like, you know, like espresso, everybody assumes espresso is like stronger than a cup of coffee. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No, it's actually weaker. | ||
| It has less. | ||
| The lighter coffees are the ones with the more caffeine. | ||
| Like a dark, dark coffee, apparently a dark coffee doesn't have as much caffeine as like a lighter coffee oftentimes. | ||
| Like when you burn them more, I guess, to make it dark, maybe? | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| I don't know the whole thing about coffee. | ||
| What am I talking about over here? | ||
| But the first time I ever had Cuban coffee, I'm like, oh, this is like everything else Cubans do. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You take coffee, you put a half a pound of sugar in it. | ||
| From the start, they mix it in there with a fucking wrench. | ||
| It is so sweet. | ||
| I couldn't believe how sweet it is. | ||
| We were working in Miami at the improv, and Joey's like, you gotta try Cuban coffee, dog. | ||
| Fuck all that Starbucks shit. | ||
| That's for girls. | ||
| Starbucks, have you been to Miami International Airport and see that Starbucks is always empty? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| It can't compete because it's a quarter. | ||
| It's $0.35 for a shot. | ||
| I know, $0.35 for a Cuban coffee. | ||
| $1.35 at the airport. | ||
| And if they give you the sugar mixed into it, you don't even feel guilty for putting that much sugar in it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know, you're like, hey, this is what I asked for. | ||
| It's like a dessert. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| It's a dessert. | ||
| And this is a little pick-me-up, but people think there's more than there is, apparently. | ||
| What's the highest caffeine thing you could do? | ||
| Venti Starbucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, you can get more to take pills and live. | |
| Yeah, Mountain Dew. | ||
| Oh, I think no. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| There's a new Mountain Dew that they put a bunch of caffeine in a while ago. | ||
| Maybe they took it off the market by now. | ||
| That's the one that made me go to Cedar Cyanide for having a panic attack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Yeah, it was that exact same drink. | ||
| Mountain Dew made you go to the hospital? | ||
| That was the one where I pulled over on the side of the road and I sat on the curb with my phone out. | ||
| I had 9-1 and had one about to push enter. | ||
| Just because I felt like I was having a heart attack. | ||
| What do you feel, Brian? | ||
| It felt like your heart's going blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl Yeah, but it was a big-ass one. | ||
| I mean, this was like a humongous... | ||
| Like a big goal? | ||
| Like a size of a C2O. Oh, okay. | ||
| That kind of thing. | ||
| What is that, like 18 ounces? | ||
| Yeah, and then... | ||
| I would say it's like 16 to 18, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they checked me. | ||
| The ambulance checked me. | ||
| They're like, dude, your heart's going crazy. | ||
| We need to get you inside. | ||
| And then they put whatever that water in your blood is because they said I was dehydrated. | ||
| Oh, they gave you an IV trip? | ||
| Yeah, they gave me an IV trip, but it cost me like $3,000 for this fucking Mountain Dew. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how much it costs for an ambulance to come and just look at you and touch you? | ||
| The ambulance alone was $900. | ||
| Yeah, don't sign the paperwork at the end. | ||
| Tell them, run out of there. | ||
| So when they charge you $900, is it for their time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the service. | |
| It's the most expensive limo in the world, man. | ||
| If I was rich, I'd be just using ambulances because you can go through lights. | ||
| What, just say you have a heart attack, say I'm just kidding, take me to the movies? | ||
| No, no, seriously, that's a good company. | ||
| You're a good company. | ||
| Yeah, you're brilliant. | ||
| You know what, that's like a felony. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a felony for calling an ambulance. | ||
| No, if you have an ambulance company and you go through all the right paperwork and you're like, you know, I need to be picked up. | ||
| Dude, if this wasn't a comedy podcast, just because what you said, you'd probably go to jail under the Patriot Act. | ||
| If this was like a crazy, right-wing... | ||
| That is brilliant. | ||
| That is brilliant. | ||
| Some fucking guy in Long Island right now was going, I'm going to open up an ambulance company and tell people I'm going to run through a red light. | ||
| Dog, trust me, that's brilliant. | ||
| And they'll do it until they get fucking pulled over one night and go... | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Oh, we're having a heart attack again. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I thought if I had the lights, I could run through red lights. | ||
| And if you get pulled over, you're just in the backseat and go, all right, say that you're having a panic attack, and we'll just take you to the hospital. | ||
| Well, there was a guy when I lived in Newton, Massachusetts. | ||
| There was a guy who, which, by the way, I went back to recently, and I couldn't believe how small it was. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| It's weird when you go back home and you realize how small everything was. | ||
| You don't know what happened. | ||
| Especially like Boston area. | ||
| Those little towns were separated by these little two-lane roads. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's really weird to go back to it. | ||
| I forgot what we were talking about. | ||
| No, you went back home and you went to Newton. | ||
| I don't fucking know either. | ||
| What did you say just before that? | ||
| About the ambulance. | ||
| Oh, the guy... | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry, folks. | ||
| A guy was using the ambulance. | ||
| Like, he wasn't going to an emergency. | ||
| He was just using it because he wanted to get home or whatever. | ||
| He wanted to do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. | ||
| He wanted to go through this light. | ||
| And he slammed in this woman and killed her. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It was... | ||
| I mean, they wanted him dead. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| Like, people were fucking really upset that someone died because someone abused a public thing like that. | ||
| You know, people... | ||
| You know, people expect that if an ambulance is coming through, it's risking safety because it's trying to save a life. | ||
| And this dick was just driving around. | ||
| Thought it was cute to run red lights. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Whoop, whoop, whoop. | ||
| You know, slammed into somebody. | ||
| I always pull over. | ||
| I see... | ||
| Today, a cop went... | ||
| About three cop cars went by me. | ||
| Me and maybe two other people pulled over. | ||
| That lady, they don't fucking pull over. | ||
| They don't fucking pull over. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Yeah, people are dickish, man. | ||
| They like to wait for other people to pull over so they can pull over and follow the ambulance and cut a path through. | ||
| I've seen people do that. | ||
| They don't do it at all out here. | ||
| I mean, Ohio, everybody in the whole fucking highway would pull over. | ||
| I just saw it today and I'm like, this is fucking rude. | ||
| California is some of the worst driving manners I've ever experienced in my life. | ||
| Ever, ever, ever, ever. | ||
| It's so rare, first of all, that anybody ever gets out of the fast lane. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| When you watch someone in the fast lane, and you watch someone pull up behind them, and you see them just sit there, and then the other person has to go around. | ||
| They look, and they know, and they know they're going slow. | ||
| They're going 60. Get out of the lane. | ||
| They don't want to get out of the lane. | ||
| It's my fucking lane. | ||
| It's my car. | ||
| It's my lane. | ||
| In the East Coast, you're dealing with these little two-lane roads. | ||
| Two lanes on each side. | ||
| So everybody who's going slow goes to the fucking right. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| You don't want the 90? | ||
| Move the fuck over. | ||
| Yeah, it's that simple. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But California, it's like everything else. | ||
| It's like such a wealth of lanes out here. | ||
| There's so many fucking lanes on the highway. | ||
| The people are like, we're just going to another lane. | ||
| We're going to have to go fast. | ||
| Why can't I move over? | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| Rethink your drink. | ||
| This shows how much sugar is in each different kind of drink I think it is. | ||
| Oh my god, look at Red Bull. | ||
| Holy fuck, is that real? | ||
| Or is that caffeine? | ||
| Caffeine. | ||
| That's sugar? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, look how much sugar is in Red Bull. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It's the same as a small Mountain Dew though. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's not even a regular sized Mountain Dew it looks like. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Here's the other thing. | ||
| It'd be better if it was actually sugar in there. | ||
| Now, was there sugar in water? | ||
| Is that what that's saying? | ||
| Yeah, what is this saying about water? | ||
| Yeah, there's sugar in fucking water. | ||
| Bottled water. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's zero. | ||
| That shows zero, right? | ||
| So that's Kool-Aid? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that water? | ||
| I think that's just a reflection. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or even that little packet of Kool-Aid. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's the same amount as a little... | ||
| Wait, chocolate milk. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in our lives, folks. | ||
| We're kind of hooked on that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying not to drink coffee right now, and I've been drinking this Trenta-sized passion fruit iced tea every day. | ||
| It has no caffeine in it, but I don't get the sweetener in it, and I get Splenda. | ||
| Delicious. | ||
| Yeah, but it's got to give you brain cancer with that much Splenda, drinking that much Splenda. | ||
| Stevia. | ||
| Go with the Stevia. | ||
| Yeah, but Starbucks doesn't have Stevia for some reason. | ||
| We've got a little package here. | ||
| Take some of these home. | ||
| We've got a gang of them here. | ||
| Why don't you think Starbucks goes on Stevia too expensive? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they have a deal with Splenda to keep people from knowing about Stevia. | ||
| Suppressing knowledge, dog. | ||
| Suppressing that herbal goodness. | ||
| Stevia is delicious. | ||
| It took me a little while to get used to it, but knowing that it's an herbal sweetener and that it's like literally no strings attached. | ||
| It's just your body takes it in. | ||
| Am I telling the truth? | ||
| Does it seem to have any health side effects? | ||
| I think recently I heard some stuff. | ||
| And that's why people were telling me to go to something else, that other one that's like with an X or a Z or a Xavier. | ||
| Oh, Xylitol. | ||
| Xylitol. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that as well. | ||
| Like some people like the Xylitol. | ||
| Well, there was a reason that people were saying something recently about Stevia. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| Okay, well, let's Google it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google that. | |
| What's wrong with Stevia? | ||
| What do you do, Joey? | ||
| Do you do straight Stevia? | ||
| I have a little Stevia at the house that Aubrey gave me. | ||
| I have the blue packages. | ||
| I like it because it's super strong, too. | ||
| I have sugar, too, which I don't use. | ||
| Every once in a while with a new coffee machine, I'll make a Cuban coffee. | ||
| But, ah, you know what's crazy, dog? | ||
| The biggest addiction I ever had was to Coca-Cola. | ||
| And with the Weight Watchers, I stopped drinking soda. | ||
| And it was like the toughest three months of my fucking life, guys. | ||
| Like, I thought it was worse than getting off the blow, not having, like, Chinese food or something with a Coke. | ||
| The other day, I went to some place to eat, and the guy goes, we're out of Diet Coke. | ||
| I said, you know what? | ||
| Give me a Coke. | ||
| It was fucking horrible. | ||
| It's too sugary. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Oh my fucking God, it was terrible. | ||
| Sweat this. | ||
| Stevia is used as a weight loss aid. | ||
| It's used for treating diabetes, high blood pressure, and heartburn, for lowering uric acid levels, and for preventing pregnancy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That doesn't seem like you could eat that all day. | ||
| It seems like if you ate that all day, you'd have some fucking issues. | ||
| I mean, maybe we should talk to Tate. | ||
| He could be our patient zero, because that dude's got Stevie in his system all day. | ||
| He just drinks those mugs of Bulletproof coffee. | ||
| I should give a plug to Tate, too, because Tate just started his own mobile coffee business. | ||
| He's doing a butter coffee truck. | ||
| And they, I guess they roll around. | ||
| It's called Rolling Butter. | ||
| It's rolling underscore butter on Twitter. | ||
| And he's got like a butter coffee truck. | ||
| All sorts of different flavors and shit. | ||
| He shows up at CrossFit events. | ||
| Those CrossFit guys are junkies for that butter coffee. | ||
| Like bulletproof coffee. | ||
| The MCT oil in it. | ||
| So Tate decided to set up a truck. | ||
| And just roll around. | ||
| He had his first event this week. | ||
| He needs to go to the Arnold Classic. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but the last thing you want to do is take a fucking truck all the way to Ohio. | ||
| Especially in March. | ||
| In March in Ohio, son, you might get fucked. | ||
| That shit might go ugly on you. | ||
| It could easily snow like a bitch in March, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's risky in March. | ||
| Remember that time back when you were making the videos where that one dude, he took his shirt off and you made a video about it? | ||
| He took his shirt off in the audience and was dancing around. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| He was hammered. | ||
| And then he gave me a big hug and then he was so, I mean, ridiculously hammered. | ||
| And then after the show, we found him in the parking lot. | ||
| Blood all over his face. | ||
| No shirt on. | ||
| Somebody beat the shit out of him. | ||
| And it was like zero degrees out. | ||
| We're like, well, take care, buddy. | ||
| Get in the car. | ||
| That's a fucking normal Friday night for that dude, probably. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| As they're telling you the story, they're pulling a tooth out of their mouth. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| Like those guys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fucking hit me with a bat. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| And they fucking show it to you. | ||
| They hit me with a bat. | ||
| You got any ice on you? | ||
| An extra bat? | ||
| An extra jacket? | ||
| What the fuck, guy? | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| That show Friday night that we did was... | ||
| That was a nice place. | ||
| I had never been there before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The joint? | |
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| The joint. | ||
| Well, the audience was amazing. | ||
| You know, the audiences we've been getting lately are just off the charts. | ||
| They're so happy. | ||
| It's like such a friendly, happy group. | ||
| Like, overwhelmingly. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I don't know how we ever pulled it off, but it's amazing. | ||
| And the joint was probably one of the best ones yet. | ||
| It was one of the best crowds ever. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Everybody's so friendly. | ||
| That bar was great. | ||
| We had a blast at that bar. | ||
| Yeah, we had a great time. | ||
| Joey and I went to that center bar and we held court for like three hours. | ||
| Three hours. | ||
| Just hanging around talking to people. | ||
| Max Eberle got too drunk. | ||
| Did you see drunk Max Eberle? | ||
| Was he throwing Asians? | ||
| He tortured this little Asian Jersey girl. | ||
| She was half-Asian, half-Irish. | ||
| He was torturing her. | ||
| He'll torture your mom. | ||
| He don't give a fuck. | ||
| He's a great guy, though. | ||
| He'll zoom in on you. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Yeah, we had an awesome time. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There was a lot of good vibes. | ||
| Nice people. | ||
| I took the limo over to the fucking South Point. | ||
| Yeah, you did another show after that. | ||
| At 12.30. | ||
| Jay Davis was there. | ||
| Jason Rouse was there. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| Bro, it was mind-boggling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm thinking of doing the weekend there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm going to call them in August and go, give me the 1230 at 1230. Wow, it was that good? | ||
| And here's what's going on. | ||
| That all these comics work. | ||
| Like Bobby Collins is there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bobby Collins did 10. Some other girl did 10. It was smooth. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So there's like a bunch of real comics doing it. | ||
| Oh my God, there had to be 250 in there. | ||
| Peak 250 people at 1230. No shit. | ||
| All the locals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And this is what they were telling me. | ||
| Like, people coming back with drinks, like, people who can't... | ||
| Bro, let me tell you something. | ||
| I went over there, and there had to be 150 people from the joint show. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| That showed up with tickets for me to sign. | ||
| We told them you were going there. | ||
| And they were going, listen, man, this is fucking amazing. | ||
| I just got four cocktails for $17. | ||
| Didn't we announce it on stage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did. | |
| You were drinking something. | ||
| Something was going on. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know for sure. | ||
| People were like, hey, you're going to be at the South Point? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Went over there. | ||
| I see Jay Davies. | ||
| Seen a bunch of comics I hadn't seen. | ||
| Just hang out drinking. | ||
| Well, we should do that when we're in town. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In between the big shows. | ||
| Every Friday they do it. | ||
| Every Friday. | ||
| 1230. Why not, right? | ||
| I like a 1230 spot. | ||
| Elnor was asking if you guys were going to go stop by. | ||
| I guess they had a show at the other club at the Hard Rock the same night. | ||
| Vinyl. | ||
| At the other Hard Rock? | ||
| Oh, Eleanor and Dice did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So they were in the same place as us? | ||
| Yeah, and they were seeing if you wanted to come before or after. | ||
| I think it was before. | ||
| Well, apparently his son was playing. | ||
| He wanted us to come watch his son's band after my show, but we got mobbed by people. | ||
| Justin was with us, so we had some friends. | ||
| He's there like every weekend, right? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| For a while? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| It was amazing how many comics were there. | ||
| Like, a lot of guys came up and say hello, did Joe come? | ||
| A lot of guys I didn't recognize. | ||
| I didn't know their names. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| If Vegas was, like, really smoothly run, there would be a real comedy scene there. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't make sense there wouldn't be. | ||
| You're dealing with all these tourists that are coming in from out of town on a regular basis. | ||
| It doesn't have to be on the Strip. | ||
| If you have one good spot, like think of like that steak joint, that Brazilian place we go to, Texas de Brazil, the Chuaça-Carrinha, that's nowhere near the Strip. | ||
| It's way the fuck out there. | ||
| It's somewhere in another part of, it's not near the casinos, but everybody goes there. | ||
| Everybody goes there because it's good, because they know it's there and it's good. | ||
| And there's people in town in Vegas that are always looking to do something. | ||
| I know the casinos would like to keep the shows in the casinos, and it's great to do the joint. | ||
| I mean, that was perfect for us. | ||
| But, like, for the local comics, there should be a few comedy clubs in Vegas. | ||
| It seems like you could have, like, a real local scene in Vegas. | ||
| I can't believe this. | ||
| This is how embarrassing this is, and I hate to say this because people are going to think I'm... | ||
| We walked past Brad Garrett's, and it's like, eh. | ||
| Like, we ain't going to Brad Garrett's. | ||
| Nobody goes to Brad Garrett's. | ||
| No, like, we're not going, because they don't, you know. | ||
| Well, Duncan, no, no, I shouldn't say that, because, uh, not Duncan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dom! | |
| Dom does it. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| Yeah, he likes it. | ||
| That's why, but it's like, they'll never call him. | ||
| Why don't we go? | ||
| It's because we're too dirty? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that he just likes a certain style, and, you know, I don't, I think Adam Hunter did it, and he liked it. | ||
| He asked me, and But, you know, when I see it, I'm like, ah, like I never even think of it. | ||
| I always assume that I'm too dirty. | ||
| And then the L.A. Comedy Club hit me up when I was in Vegas saying if we wanted to go over there late night and do a spot. | ||
| What's the L.A. Comedy Club? | ||
| It's at Bally's, I guess. | ||
| So there is a few comedy clubs. | ||
| Yeah, there's a little action. | ||
| But a lot of them have like, they have like Roseanne Barr there every night. | ||
| Right, every night. | ||
| Like the Last Factory has Roseanne Barr there. | ||
| Okay, let me ask you this. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| How does someone do, like, the same town every night, like five, six nights a week for years and years and years? | ||
| Because in Vegas, everybody shows up on Monday. | ||
| Yeah, they have new people. | ||
| I know, they have new people, but how do you not go crazy? | ||
| Because it's fucking Vegas and it has the hottest shit going on all day. | ||
| It's like the best party, you know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But let me tell you something, buddy. | ||
| Best food. | ||
| Sweetie pie. | ||
| If you lived there, it's very likely you might lose your mind. | ||
| Vegas has got, there's a void in that town. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of good people that live in Vegas and there's a lot of fun in Vegas, but there's this, the devil lives in Vegas. | ||
| You know he does. | ||
| We all know he does. | ||
| And if you lived there, if you were there, you lived there. | ||
| Ooh, I don't know, Brian. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The devil has the baddest bitches, Joe. | ||
| Listen, I'm 50 years old. | ||
| A lot of fun in Vegas, to tell you that. | ||
| Five, six years, I'm still alive. | ||
| I might want to go to Vegas. | ||
| You know, you get older. | ||
| Do you want to do Monday through Saturday? | ||
| First off, I wouldn't stay in the casino, Joe. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I live 45 minutes out of there. | ||
| That would not be my life at all. | ||
| But, like, when I heard Roseanne Barr... | ||
| She's doing it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She lives in Vegas now? | ||
| No, I guess she commutes or stays. | ||
| I don't know what the deal is. | ||
| One day a week? | ||
| No, she does the whole week for Jimmy Masada. | ||
| The whole week? | ||
| Yeah, Monday through she does the 8 o'clock show. | ||
| Then 10 o'clock a lineup comes in and they do it. | ||
| No shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So a lot of people, like that dude just changed it to ten. | ||
| You know, Bobby couldn't make it work. | ||
| It takes a certain comic to make it work. | ||
| The hotel has to get behind you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, Vegas ain't what it used to be, dog. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| You know, I read an article that the UFC brings how much money per weekend when there's a Vegas or what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| $60 million. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| And it's like, wow, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| I see the fucking concessions. | ||
| You know, the cheerleading competition from Ogallala, Nebraska. | ||
| Ain't gonna do that type of stuff. | ||
| This is the fucking UFC. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why it's so disgusting that it's illegal in New York. | ||
| Because they would make so much money from having a UFC there. | ||
| It would generate so much revenue. | ||
| For the city, it would be fantastic. | ||
| And the fact that these dirty unions have kept it out for that long, it's really kind of spectacular. | ||
| Can you imagine the UFC at Madison Square Garden? | ||
| Oh, my goodness! | ||
| Just close your fucking eyes for five fucking minutes. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| We go to the Palms first. | ||
| We get a steak with lobster on it or some shit. | ||
| A lobster fucking bisque and a house salad. | ||
| We shoot over. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| A wedge with grilled cheese and crumbles. | ||
| And you've got to remember that in New York, when we get out of that motherfucking UFC at 11 o'clock, because the UFC ends at 1 in New York. | ||
| So we'd be walking out of the garden at 1 fucking 30. It's like walking into your oyster. | ||
| Your oyster? | ||
| Of life. | ||
| You know how everything is open. | ||
| You get anything. | ||
| You get Chinese-Cuban. | ||
| You get Italian in the Bronx. | ||
| You get fucking scungillo salad. | ||
| You can get whatever the fuck you want at 1.30 in the morning. | ||
| We don't have to go get a steak. | ||
| We go to Chinatown. | ||
| We got spaghetti and clam sauce. | ||
| How many spots are there in L.A. where you can pull that off? | ||
| At 1 in the morning. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| Name them. | ||
| The standard? | ||
| Dantana's. | ||
| Dantana's is open till two? | ||
| Dantana's is open till two, yeah. | ||
| They serve till two? | ||
| I believe they do. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I got a steak there, I know, one night after the Comedy Store, really late. | ||
| And it was goddamn delicious. | ||
| Oh, it's delicious with the cider pasta. | ||
| Oh, so good, yeah. | ||
| Good googly moogly. | ||
| Dantana's is like one of those legit, old-school restaurants from the East Coast that exists in California somehow or another. | ||
| And there's very few places like that place. | ||
| I'm going to tell you whatever place exists in California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's on Santa Monica Boulevard. | ||
| It's sensational. | ||
| Oh my god, it's insane. | ||
| I just was at the spot a couple weeks ago, one of my favorite clubs in the country, the San Jose Improv. | ||
| Oh, I love that place. | ||
| It's down the block from the hotel. | ||
| Everything's easy. | ||
| Original Joe's. | ||
| But then you got motherfucking Original Joe's for lunch. | ||
| And you go in there, you get the house salad with the spaghetti meat. | ||
| I can't even eat the meatball and sausage no more. | ||
| It's so much. | ||
| I get so scared. | ||
| I just get the fucking regular ragu sauce now. | ||
| No bread, no butter, and the house salad. | ||
| They cook a fucking hell of a steak, too. | ||
| They got a char-boiled grill. | ||
| Charcoal grill. | ||
| They use real wood charcoal. | ||
| No, they don't fuck around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so good. | |
| And the waiters with those fucking things. | ||
| Tuxedos. | ||
| I've been eating the original Joe's since 80 motherfucking five in the Tenderloin. | ||
| Have you really? | ||
| Not that one. | ||
| The Tenderloin. | ||
| I've never been to that one. | ||
| Just as good? | ||
| They just burnt down. | ||
| They Jewish lightning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| I did San Francisco last week. | ||
| I was in town. | ||
| Tremendous food town. | ||
| Another tremendous food town. | ||
| You love that one hill. | ||
| Every time we go, you take me to that hill to eat pasta. | ||
| We fucking go nuts. | ||
| You're like, no, we're going to this place. | ||
| Is that Calzone's? | ||
| Calzone's on Columbus? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And we go there after shows too. | ||
| Yeah, and that's a legit place. | ||
| Yeah, that's a legit place. | ||
| Remember there was that other place down the street where I got that video of Tommy Buns? | ||
| He was dancing. | ||
| Segura was dancing some music. | ||
| And you came in. | ||
| It was you and me and Secura. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| What's that Asian place, too, that we go to? | ||
| Like the really creepy one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| With Denny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's in like a sketchy area where we went outside. | ||
| We had some Asian food after the show. | ||
| And as we left, we went outside the door. | ||
| And they had an aquarium drive by filled with strippers. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| We got a video of the hoe truck. | ||
| It's on YouTube somewhere. | ||
| This truck pulled up. | ||
| We're like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| And the cops would pull up beside him and hit the lights, tell everybody, sit down, sit down, because they're only allowed to dance when the truck's not moving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So they had seat belts they'd have to wear. | ||
| So it's like a pole, and there's like some seats, like little tiny seats with seat bolts, and the fucking cop would pull up and hit the lights and go, sit down, sit down! | ||
| This girl's dancing on a pole in the back of a fucking seat. | ||
| And all I could think of was imagining life from their eyes. | ||
| You're naked, and you're just driving around like bait. | ||
| Like, they're chumming. | ||
| They're chumming the whole city to try to get them into this club. | ||
| And they're doing it by putting bait in a box. | ||
| Like, that's what people have been reduced to. | ||
| Like, a woman in the smallest amount of clothes legally possible, with ridiculous shoes that you know she can't run good in, and she's dancing around on a pole asking you to come with her. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| A fucking fish tank full of chicks. | ||
| I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I got to see all his rare birds, and he's the largest collector of rare birds ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and you walk in, I don't know if it's the number one, but maybe in California or whatever. | ||
| On his block. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| But when you walk in, there's these birds there that don't even look like real birds. | ||
| I was thinking... | ||
| I haven't even seen that before in a book or a magazine or on TV. So when you saw it in person, it just seemed like it was fake. | ||
| It was so awesome. | ||
| He has the coolest animals, like monkeys, collections that I've ever seen. | ||
| He has these monkeys that look like old men that just come up and they have these beards and these mustaches and they look like samurais. | ||
| Did it freak you out that they're locked in a little cage? | ||
| No, because they're humongous cages. | ||
| It was like having a cage be the size of a football field. | ||
| How many acres does that dude have out there? | ||
| It was a lot because I got the full tour. | ||
| Most times you go to the Playboy Mansion, it's sectioned off and you're at the small Piece of it. | ||
| I was there with friends of the family. | ||
| The girl I was with, her mom was married to Hugh in the 70s. | ||
| And so she's just like, let me show you around. | ||
| So I got to go. | ||
| I don't even think I saw it all. | ||
| I mean, I walked for long periods of time on these paths where they would have these little benches, like blowjob stations, and then go for another mile down the path. | ||
| I would imagine that place would be expensive as fuck to keep up. | ||
| He had a staff of about 100, 200 people there, too. | ||
| All the time? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| 100? | ||
| 200 people? | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| Could you imagine you had to pay 100 people to run your house? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| Didn't Joan Rivers have some shit like that? | ||
| I don't know if Joan Rivers, but you know at the end of the day, that place, the comedy store, they should just pick those places up and put them together so people could see that for centuries when the world ends, is it? | ||
| Because that's one of the most interesting places in the world. | ||
| Fuck Disneyland with fucking rides and Mickey Mouse. | ||
| The mansion. | ||
| How many cocks were really sucked there? | ||
| How many dreams were broken there? | ||
| How many women left there going, I'm done? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, I just sucked 11 cocks. | ||
| I got crabs. | ||
| I got chlamydia. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| And he didn't put me in the magazine. | ||
| You think of what really happened in there. | ||
| Because that's completely different than being on the East Coast. | ||
| That's a fucking den of broken dreams. | ||
| You know what was the coolest thing? | ||
| Was how many older Playmates were there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They were the coolest girls in the world. | ||
| I was sitting in the game room, smoking weed on the... | ||
| I mean, I don't know if I should say that. | ||
| Easy! | ||
| Disrespect the mansion like that. | ||
| There's this room that the floor's made out of, like, a mattress. | ||
| So, like, you walk in, and some of your feet feel weird. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Are you wearing shoes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's great to get staffed. | ||
| Right, I know. | ||
| Everybody's fucking to get staffed. | ||
| But the carpet just doesn't, it looks like carpet, but it's actually a mattress. | ||
| So you just sit down. | ||
| Anyways, but there was like these ladies that would come out of nowhere, and they were beautiful, like the most beautiful cougars ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old? | |
| I'd say 45, 48. How old? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they would just come up and like, hey guys, how's it going? | ||
| Mind if I join you? | ||
| And you're just like, that's the coolest chick, hot chick, huh? | ||
| Is that part of their occupation to sort of mingle? | ||
| Well, it was July 4th, so I think it was more of just like all the old people. | ||
| Everybody's family. | ||
| It was like a family. | ||
| Barbie Benton. | ||
| Barbie Benton. | ||
| All those chicks were playing mates, bro. | ||
| Was she really? | ||
| Barbie Benton was a playin' man, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Is she still doin' comedy? | ||
| No, Barbie Benton from the 70s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's talking about? | |
| The brunette when we were kids, the hot brunette. | ||
| Who am I thinkin' of? | ||
| Barbie with the vein in her tit from the comedy store that used to do that weed room on fuckin' Vermont, the hotel. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Vein in her tit! | ||
| Barbie, yeah, yeah, what's her name? | ||
| Was she used to have the yellow car? | ||
| Is that what the yellow mess is? | ||
| She had fake tits, but they put the vein from her bicep right in her tit. | ||
| Instead of a tattoo, this bitch had a big ol' yolk vein. | ||
| Like, she had been doing fuckin' crunches. | ||
| Not crunches, but flies all after them on the peck machine. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I kept on thinking I was going to see Felicia Michaels. | ||
| It was like a bunch of people like Felicia Michaels coming up here. | ||
| Does Felicia go there? | ||
| No, I don't think she goes there. | ||
| I think she's been there for parties, like all of us. | ||
| How's she doing? | ||
| She doing stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good, yeah. | |
| She's doing whatever. | ||
| A lot of stand-up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She was a funny chick, man. | ||
| Yeah, they were all, everybody's doing good, but that place is very interesting. | ||
| Like, I went there with a complete different, like, I did the comedy for Tom Likens Day years ago on Fridays. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And I go and hang out, and some of it, I can't lie to you, it's not my cup of tea, you know, it's not... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're either gonna suck my dick or you're not gonna walk around naked and talk to me like that. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| Suck my dick. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Where, you know, and they were just people, and you're looking at them and you feel bad, but they're having a great time. | ||
| And they have, like, people who come up there with the illusion that they're gonna meet Playmates. | ||
| Like, they had guys. | ||
| Yeah, they had cologne on and shit. | ||
| Polyester suits, three-piece, the shoes. | ||
| It's really, it was weird. | ||
| But when you look at that place, you go, what really went on in that? | ||
| Well, what's interesting to me is, if I think about it, the Playboy Mansion is that it's sort of like the last sort of house like that of a... | ||
| Ever. | ||
| It's not going to exist anymore. | ||
| I think it's going to be a museum because when I was walking through it, it felt very like I could see this being a museum. | ||
| Well, it should be, kind of. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| And it's not disrespectful at all. | ||
| I think that no one... | ||
| I mean, maybe someone could do something like that in the future where they could create like a whole destination... | ||
| But that's a destination. | ||
| It's not just a house. | ||
| It's not just a business. | ||
| It would be like, oh, there's the Strikeforce fights this weekend at the Playboy Mansion. | ||
| They had fights there. | ||
| We went to watch fights there. | ||
| They had more than one mixed martial arts event there. | ||
| I met Hefner's kids, though, and his sons, and I think they're going to take over. | ||
| I mean, they look like young versions of him. | ||
| I could see them just stepping in and being like fucking pimps. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| He would groom them. | ||
| You know, why wouldn't he want to keep that business in the family? | ||
| It's an iconic name, you know? | ||
| It's like you can't go wrong with good management with that whole Playboy thing. | ||
| The crazy thing, when I lived in Boulder... | ||
| Just licensing those tattoos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I lived in Boulder, there was a girl in Boulder who... | ||
| There was a limo in Boulder at all times that said half number one on it. | ||
| And it was a white stretch limo and it had a black driver. | ||
| And the chick was blonde and her claim to fame was that she was Hef's daughter. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And she went to the University of Colorado and they drove her everywhere in a fucking limo. | ||
| Wow, a Hef one limo. | ||
| Half one limo. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look how much coke she did in that limo. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| I mean, how many people... | ||
| I know, like, James Caan was associated. | ||
| Like, I watched that movie. | ||
| It was on about a month ago. | ||
| That stupid movie, 21. What was that movie that the girl got killed? | ||
| Eric Roberts played the creepy boyfriend. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| She was the playmate 1981. Sharon... | ||
| I know Eric Roberts played Killer. | ||
| They did two movies. | ||
| 19 what? | ||
| 19 what-ish? | ||
| She was the playmate in the 80s? | ||
| Yeah, Star 80. What the fuck is wrong with this? | ||
| Jesus Christ, George. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with this? | ||
| I'm stupid. | ||
| Star 80 was a movie where Eric Roberts was creepy as fuck. | ||
| And he plays her boyfriend. | ||
| He discovers her in Canada, marries her. | ||
| She's like 15. Isn't it strange when you see a guy like Eric Roberts, that you see him, he starts out, Pope of Greenwich Village, he's in this fucking unbelievable movie with Mickey Rourke. | ||
| Still, to this day, holds up. | ||
| Then one day he's on Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| In between is some karate movies and shit. | ||
| For whatever reason, he vanishes and then has to come back. | ||
| No, that's his daughter that's blowing up right now. | ||
| Who's daughter? | ||
| The chick that was- Is an actress? | ||
| Yeah, the daughter was the daughter on- Star 80 right there. | ||
| Yeah, Star 80. Wow. | ||
| I don't even believe I've seen this movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was creepy at the end. | ||
| He fucking gets these benches. | ||
| He was making weightlifting equipment. | ||
| But he also, his real business was he was making sex equipment. | ||
| He takes her over there. | ||
| He sits her down. | ||
| He fucking ties her. | ||
| He rips her legs up. | ||
| I mean, he just destroyed her, though. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| He was a creepy motherfucker. | ||
| And he shot himself. | ||
| Fuck him, you know? | ||
| In the movie? | ||
| Yeah, he shoots himself, too. | ||
| His character shot himself? | ||
| Two dudes. | ||
| They did two movies. | ||
| They did Star Rady with this broad and they did a different one with the guy from General Hospital. | ||
| Now, the older guy I married on General Hospital. | ||
| You remember when they cut his thumb off? | ||
| People were going to kill him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got my thumb, Charlie. | |
| They got my thumb. | ||
| But, dog, what he says, the monologue, what he says to Mickey Rourke when he goes, what happened here? | ||
| He goes, she left me. | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| And he goes, what's wrong with you? | ||
| He goes, you're not the way. | ||
| Remember, he just breaks it down. | ||
| He goes, sometimes they try to embarrass you, and you've got to backhand them, and you look them in the face and tell them, you don't look at nobody. | ||
| You don't say goodnight to nobody. | ||
| That whole little monologue, look at that again. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| He was excellent. | ||
| Excellent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excellent. | |
| He was a really, really good actor. | ||
| That's why it's weird when you see him one day in that crazy karate movie. | ||
| Remember that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He played a karate master. | ||
| He just backfisted us, knocked him out. | ||
| That's what the saddest thing is. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I just saw the motherfucking audition about eight weeks ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Auditioning for what? | ||
| Auditioning for a co-star like me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| How does a guy who's that talented... | ||
| And he was in that Sylvester Stallone movie recently. | ||
| He was in the first one. | ||
| What is the one with Randy Couture, The Expendables? | ||
| Yeah, was he? | ||
| Yeah, he was in that, wasn't he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| He was the bad guy. | ||
| He was fucking excellent. | ||
| Guy can act his ass off. | ||
| And his sister don't like him. | ||
| See, I know that when he was, when they were doing, you know who his daughter is? | ||
| The chick on Blow. | ||
| The little girl in Blow. | ||
| What's the movie Blow? | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| Well, that little girl, and then she went on to be a Disney star. | ||
| She's a Disney star. | ||
| Look her up, Red Man. | ||
| She's like some Disney chick. | ||
| But supposedly when they shoot at the fucking studios, they have security there. | ||
| He can't come on the set. | ||
| And she's Julia Roberts' niece. | ||
| So Julia Roberts really, like, fucking put security on her and stuff because they try to keep her away from him. | ||
| I don't know the whole story. | ||
| I'm just telling you what I heard secondhand when she shoots movies or TV shows. | ||
| There's something going on there. | ||
| I don't know exactly what the fuck the thing is. | ||
| She's really cute, the kid. | ||
| She was the cute girl in Blow that he tells he's going to meet her at the end, the whole thing. | ||
| Well, when he was on that celebrity rehab, it was very strange. | ||
| It just didn't make any sense that he was there. | ||
| Like, it seemed like he just needed a break. | ||
| Emma Roberts. | ||
| Didn't really, huh? | ||
| Emma Roberts? | ||
| Emma Roberts, yeah. | ||
| Emma Roberts. | ||
| She's real cute, right? | ||
| Young girl. | ||
| She's got to be 18. Whenever someone's going to rehab for weed, they really almost need a behavioral break. | ||
| You're going to rehab for life. | ||
| You're off the rails for everything. | ||
| If you're going to rehab for weed, you just need to go somewhere. | ||
| Do you think there's certain cases, though, that you could see going to rehab for weed? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Ralphie Mae used to be at his prime where he'd be seriously smoking two pounds of weed a day or something. | ||
| Well, he's a perfect example. | ||
| And no disrespect to Ralphie, but look at him. | ||
| And so that's obviously a very impulsive person. | ||
| And that's where I think that it's probably... | ||
| You're not dealing with just the weed itself. | ||
| You're dealing with life in general. | ||
| Look, we're all impulsive. | ||
| Stand-up comedians are some of the most impulsive people. | ||
| There's something about the type of person that thinks to say some of the shit that we say, like the way your brain works. | ||
| It's almost like an instinct for us to just be wacky. | ||
| So when you get a guy that is a stand-up comedian and then you find out he's a gambling addict, it's never a shock. | ||
| It's never a shock when you find out they're blowing all their money betting on sports like it's Norm MacDonald or they're blowing all their money on coke. | ||
| Yeah, like you for years. | ||
| Yeah, or for me, how about I lock myself in my house and I play Quake for 12 hours a day? | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot, you know? | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's like we get impulsive. | ||
| We have this, like, almost uncontrollable desire. | ||
| I would be sitting around. | ||
| I would be sitting around doing something else, and all I could think of was getting back to my computer. | ||
| I'm like, I'm just going to get online and play some Quake, and everything will be okay. | ||
| Loading myself up with caffeine. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's crazy. | ||
| It's part of being a comedian. | ||
| I kind of understand comedians being caught up in almost any nutty impulse like that. | ||
| But... | ||
| You know, marijuana, really? | ||
| You gonna go to rehab for that? | ||
| You're going to rehab for life, son. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| Life itself is just too slippery right now, and you need a break. | ||
| Which is understandable, you know? | ||
| I need to go to rehab for Jack Daniels, I think. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| How often you been drinking? | ||
| No, I mean, not for drinking in general, but, like, I try not to drink Jack Daniels now, and it's like I miss it so much. | ||
| It's so hard not to do it. | ||
| I have never drank Jack Daniels my whole entire life, except for, like, the last, what, Seven months? | ||
| Coincidentally, the last year of your life, you've been ballin' out of control. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You're going out Leonard Skinner style, son. | ||
| You're listening to Sweet Home Alabama when your car drives off the cliff. | ||
| And what's the number seven meaning in the Jack Daniels? | ||
| Lucky seven or some shit like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It says like old number seven. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's probably like their seventh version of it that they made, if I had to guess. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Jack Daniels, old number seven. | ||
| Seven ingredients? | ||
| I gambled for about four months, and I knew it wasn't for me. | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Four or five months, and I was like, fuck you. | ||
| I don't trust myself. | ||
| I'm going to give my money to some fucking idiot at a diner Thursday at 5 o'clock over five fucking dudes shooting a hoop. | ||
| That is not happening the rest of my fucking life. | ||
| Or baseball, or fucking baskets, or anything. | ||
| I love going to Santa Anita Park in Pasadena. | ||
| I take $40 with me, I go, I get a hot dog, I get a powdered beer. | ||
| Once the $40 is gone, I get in my fucking car and I go home. | ||
| Did you just say a powdered beer? | ||
| What's a powdered beer? | ||
| The beer they sell you at those stadiums. | ||
| What do you think, they sell you a fucking draft beer? | ||
| It's powdered fucking beer! | ||
| That's why I get a fucking headache for three days. | ||
| You go to a football game or a UFC event, you drink three beers, wait till the fucking headache you get the next day. | ||
| You know, it's powdered fucking beer. | ||
| Yes, that was real. | ||
| How cool would that be, having powder beer? | ||
| It's powdered beer! | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I ain't kidding you. | ||
| Yeah, this is a weird thing, this Jack Daniels thing, because apparently the Old No. | ||
| 7 is the original recipe. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Why would they call it Old No. | ||
| 7? | ||
| It says Old No. | ||
| 7, also known as Black Label. | ||
| This is the original Jack Daniels. | ||
| Oh, you know what it is? | ||
| Because there's a bunch of different Jacks. | ||
| One, two, three, four, five, six. | ||
| There's six different Jacks. | ||
| There's Silver Select, Green Label, Tennessee Honey, Single Barrel, Gentleman Jack, and Old No. | ||
| 7. It's like six Chuck fucking Liddells. | ||
| Everybody there is tough. | ||
| There ain't one weakling in that fucking circle. | ||
| I don't fuck with none of those cocksuckers. | ||
| They'll fuck you up. | ||
| Can you believe that, bro? | ||
| I really have not drank Jack Daniels since New Year's of 1980. Well, we got a big bottle in the other room, boys. | ||
| I had some of it this weekend. | ||
| And who the fuck are you kidding? | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| A Jack Daniels and a can of Coke? | ||
| You're fucking taking me for a ride. | ||
| I'll tell you, Joey Diaz, I do some of my best comedy sets when I have a little Jack Daniels in my system. | ||
| I'm not bullshit. | ||
| I can't even smell it. | ||
| I can't even fucking smell it, dog. | ||
| Vegas Friday night? | ||
| I had like three shots before I went on stage. | ||
| He brought the bottle back there. | ||
| I seen that there was light. | ||
| You motherfuckers are drinking those with Diet Cokes. | ||
| Listen, I could smell them in the air. | ||
| That crowd, though, was so fun. | ||
| Yeah, they were fun. | ||
| There was so much good stuff in the air at that show. | ||
| That was such a positive show, man. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| And the people that came out, listen, man, that UFC Expo, if I wouldn't have fucked up my ankle, I would have gone and walked around. | ||
| Yeah, you were limping a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm good now. | ||
| The next day I was good. | ||
| Something that morning, I twisted it, something with these fucking Adidas. | ||
| I don't wear the high tops no more, and it fucking hurt. | ||
| But the next day I was fine. | ||
| But I would've gone, what a great little thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great little thing. | ||
| You get to go to a show, you get to meet, you can roll with people, you pay $10,000, you can roll with fucking Frank Mir. | ||
| They have seminars, they had all sorts of shit going on at the same time. | ||
| Yeah, man, it's cool as shit, man. | ||
| People were teaching things, yeah. | ||
| I think it's beautiful that the UFC does that. | ||
| When the fuck did the, when did you, when you were a kid, you didn't get to play football against anybody. | ||
| Yeah, and you never got to talk to anybody either. | ||
| No, this is it. | ||
| Do you do all these Q&As with Ronda Rousey and all that? | ||
| This is the experience, man. | ||
| It's a great fun. | ||
| After your Q&A, did you hang and talk to people or you went to eat? | ||
| As much as I could. | ||
| I was doing this thing for the 20-year anniversary of the UFC. There's a documentary they're doing. | ||
| So they had to rush me up to this studio that they had set up. | ||
| They interviewed me for like an hour before the weigh-ins. | ||
| Then we had to rush back. | ||
| Because I had to emcee the weigh-ins. | ||
| And they did the weigh-ins. | ||
| The fucking weigh-ins were in the arena. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| The weigh-ins were in the Mandalay Bay Convention Center. | ||
| And it was fucking gigantic. | ||
| It was the event center, Mandalay Bay Event Center, where they usually do the UFC. So the weigh-ins were mobbed. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It was like 10,000 people at the weigh-ins, and when Anderson Silva and Weidman got on stage, they went nuts. | ||
| Like, you could feel this crazy electricity in the air, you know, and there was all these Brazilians that were booing when Weidman came out, and all these people were cheering for Anderson, and you hear all these accolades, you know, you hear everybody calling him, including me, especially me, calling him the greatest fighter in the history of the sport. | ||
| How long was that kiss for? | ||
| Like, a couple minutes? | ||
| A second or two. | ||
| Anderson walked up to him, and Weidman walked up closer to Anderson, and then Anderson walked closer to him, and then they were face-to-face, and neither one of them budged, so they just touched faces. | ||
| And then Weidman, as they backed away, Weidman goes, I'm not scared of you, man. | ||
| I'm not scared of you. | ||
| And Anderson goes, tomorrow night. | ||
| I'll see you tomorrow night. | ||
| He goes, I'm not scared of you. | ||
| He wasn't scared of him, man. | ||
| He really wasn't. | ||
| And that was the difference on Saturday night. | ||
| He really wasn't scared of him. | ||
| He knocked him the fuck out. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It was crazy to watch. | ||
| Anderson fucked around like he normally does. | ||
| More so than he normally does. | ||
| He humiliates guys with that. | ||
| It's a real tactic. | ||
| But you've got to absolutely know what your opponent can and can't do. | ||
| I mean, maybe he could have gotten away with that with a lesser guy or a guy who was easily befuddled. | ||
| But one of the things they did in Weidman's camp is they had people imitate that. | ||
| They had people taunt him. | ||
| They had people spar with him and pretend they were falling down and And dropping their hands and poking their face out and juking them and potshotting them and shit and doing all the stuff that Anderson always does. | ||
| Because he gets you in a defensive shell. | ||
| He gets you frozen up because he moves really fast. | ||
| And one of his tactics is he will taunt you a little bit and then blast on you. | ||
| He'll blast on you. | ||
| He can cover distance deceptively fast. | ||
| So he's really good at closing the distance and cracking dudes. | ||
| And sometimes he can knock them out, like the Vitor Belfer shot, or sometimes he just lights you up, like the first few exchanges with Chris Lieben. | ||
| You know, just lit him up, lit him up, lit him up again, before he eventually stopped him. | ||
| I mean, Anderson is a fucking tremendous talent, but that dropping of the hands, you leave yourself so vulnerable that even a tremendous talent like him Can get knocked the fuck out. | ||
| And that's one of the big lessons of Saturday night. | ||
| The big lesson is everybody's vulnerable. | ||
| Even the best guys are human beings. | ||
| And a human being is vulnerable. | ||
| The whole idea is to not get hit. | ||
| And it doesn't matter who the human being is. | ||
| If their skill level's really high, It doesn't prevent them from being damaged by a solid punch. | ||
| Everybody gets fucked up by a solid shot. | ||
| Everybody who gets kicked in the head goes to sleep. | ||
| You get wheel kicked in the head, you're going night-night. | ||
| It happens to everybody. | ||
| It happens to the best people in the world. | ||
| That was like a big lesson, Saturday night. | ||
| The auditorium, the arena just shut the fuck up, didn't it? | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Because the room I was in stopped. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I'm fucking stopped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just stopped. | ||
| And it was, you know what? | ||
| It's good for everybody now. | ||
| Now they start from scratch again. | ||
| This is going to be interesting now. | ||
| Well, they're trying to set up the rematch for the word is online for the New Year show, which is December 28th, which would be madness! | ||
| Madness, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Do you know what kind of hype? | ||
| And I guarantee you, in a rematch, Anderson Silva is going to dot his I's and cross his T's. | ||
| Is this his first knockout, though? | ||
| He's never been knocked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| His entire career. | ||
| That's how people usually get, though, after a knockout. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They become vulnerable. | ||
| They become human beings. | ||
| And not only that, the reality is, if you get knocked out, it's easier if you get knocked out again. | ||
| And who knows what's happened in training? | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| He's sparring with, like, really high-level guys in training on a regular basis. | ||
| You know, he's sparring with Machida, with Feijal. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of those black house guys that are fucking badass beasts. | ||
| You know, like, who knows who's tagging him in the gym, especially when he's doing long, hard rounds. | ||
| So everyone turns 38 at one point in their life. | ||
| And Anderson Silva's 38. So you have to think about that as well. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| When I was growing up, I was 35. Dave Winfield's 35. But we both discussed this. | ||
| Look at our board. | ||
|
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It's 42. How about Bernard Hopkins? | |
| It's 48. Anderson's got three. | ||
| That's who I was talking about. | ||
| I think Bernard... | ||
| Anderson's got three more good, good, good battles left. | ||
| And after that, you know what they are. | ||
| Even more if he fights smart. | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
| Before he got knocked out, he was looking lightning fast. | ||
| He was slamming leg kicks in. | ||
| He avoided being submitted. | ||
| He got back up to his feet. | ||
| He got out of a heel hook and got back up to his feet. | ||
| It's not like Anderson looked bad. | ||
| But what he did was, he does what he does. | ||
| That taunting thing. | ||
| I mean, when he knocks a guy out because of it, it's awesome and it looks great. | ||
| But when you get knocked out, man, it's like that NOS commercial. | ||
| You know that NOS commercial? | ||
| Where the guy does these flippy kicks and goes flying through the air. | ||
| And the other guy just blasts him on the chin. | ||
| And just caught him and boom. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| There's a reason why that's in a commercial. | ||
| That whole scene plays out in the commercial as like sweet justice. | ||
| Like justice to the guy who taunts. | ||
| And that's why the whole crowd was booing Anderson. | ||
| They were booing Anderson when Anderson got knocked out. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| But it's a natural reaction that they had. | ||
| No one told them that they had to boo, but there was a lot of people booing. | ||
| There was a tremendous amount of people booing the best fighter in history because he got caught. | ||
| And I think that is fascinating. | ||
| They felt he let them down because he got knocked out doing something stupid. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, what did you do, man? | ||
|
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Boo! | |
| Meanwhile, what happened to him, man? | ||
| He just lost the title. | ||
| I mean, he made an ass load of money, but he just lost the title in devastating fashion. | ||
| And people have no empathy. | ||
| Like, boo! | ||
| Boo! | ||
| No. | ||
| People don't give a fuck. | ||
| People don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's one of the cold realities of life. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| That's one of the cold motherfucking realities of life, dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And once the envelope sails and the glamour's gone, the part... | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| Unfortunately, though, that sucks, man. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| No, it does, but that's... | ||
| Hey, man, I saw it with my mother. | ||
| I saw it with a thousand situations. | ||
| But you would never do that. | ||
| No, why would I? That's not my style. | ||
| If you were there in the audience and you saw Anderson go down, would you imagine booing him? | ||
| No, I was at home heartbroken. | ||
| I would never boo him. | ||
| He's still the fuck. | ||
| I know what happened. | ||
| Yeah, as a fan, you know, who the fuck told you to fuck around? | ||
| You know, I'm the same. | ||
| I don't even like fucking around when I'm walking around. | ||
| Brian, I don't even like fucking around when you're walking around. | ||
| Pay fucking attention. | ||
| You go to an airport and you put your shit online and the people in front of you, and you're like, pay fucking attention! | ||
| I don't like that shit. | ||
| But if you fucking do it and you pull it off, it's spectacular. | ||
| It's spectacular. | ||
| Like when Anderson fought Forrest Griffin. | ||
| Or when he fought fucking Damian Meyer. | ||
| If you live by the sword, you die by the fucking sword. | ||
| That's why it's called karma. | ||
| The fight before that, that's the first time I watched the fight I didn't want to end. | ||
| Even if fucking Frankie would have knocked Rafael out, Oliveira, I would have said, listen, let him go again. | ||
| Let him go six or seven rounds. | ||
| That was a great fight. | ||
| The fight before that was a great fight. | ||
| It was a great night of fights, bro. | ||
| It was a fantastic night of fights. | ||
| It was one of the most exciting nights of fights ever. | ||
| Every jiu-jitsu guy is lighting a fucking candle for Roger Gracie right now. | ||
| I don't know what happened there. | ||
| Yeah, it's over. | ||
| I don't expect that. | ||
| He couldn't, for whatever reason, his MMA game is nothing like his jiu-jitsu game. | ||
| His jiu-jitsu game is off the chain. | ||
| He should just go back to fighting in jiu-jitsu tournaments, man. | ||
| There were some great fucking fights. | ||
| How about Cub Swanson? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That was insane. | ||
| That was the best that kid's ever looked. | ||
| What was the movie? | ||
| His accuracy was insane. | ||
| He tried a cartwheel kick. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He went to do an uppercut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he went for him, or he faked, and he came up with an uppercut. | ||
| He did something very beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, he was doing a lot of sneaky shit like that. | ||
| Yeah, he did some beautiful shit. | ||
| He's really crafty. | ||
| He's very creative and unpredictable. | ||
| At least... | ||
| Fakes low and kicks high. | ||
| He does a lot of weird shit. | ||
| That's 155, brother? | ||
| No, he's 45. He's 145. That adds a complete difference. | ||
| Let's just put him up against a dude who wanted to fight Benson Henderson in Minneapolis. | ||
| Pettis? | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| That's a fight right there. | ||
| That's a hell of a fight right there. | ||
| That would be a great fight. | ||
| That's a fight right there. | ||
| Well, I would like to see a rematch with him and Aldo. | ||
| Because he fought Aldo and got caught with a flying knee. | ||
| A double knee. | ||
| Maybe like 10 seconds into the fight. | ||
| It was very quick. | ||
| Aldo jumped up and nailed him on the forehead with a flying knee. | ||
| Cut him open. | ||
| I mean, it was nasty. | ||
| I mean, he didn't even get a chance to get into the fight. | ||
| He just got caught. | ||
| And I think that he's a way better fighter now than he was then. | ||
| I think it would be really interesting. | ||
| After watching him fight Seaver, like, goddamn, man, he lit Seaver up. | ||
| Those combinations are insane because he was so accurate. | ||
| Like, the last combination that he knocked him out with, he hit him with, like, three or four ridiculously accurate shots while, you know, there's a lot of chaos going on. | ||
| He's scrambling after him, and he's catching him on the jaw. | ||
| That was a great fight. | ||
| It was a lot of great fights, man. | ||
| A lot of great fights. | ||
| See, people didn't give Tim Kennedy enough credit for that fight. | ||
| No, Tim Kennedy even had his back. | ||
| He took him down, man. | ||
| I couldn't fucking believe it. | ||
| Had his back and was slamming him in the face. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| He's getting punched. | ||
| That's what's going on, man. | ||
| Jiu-Jitsu is one thing, but Jiu-Jitsu with punches to the face by a guy who's a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu changes the whole game. | ||
| He might be better than Tim Kennedy at straight Jiu-Jitsu if they had a regular Jiu-Jitsu match. | ||
| But Kennedy's got a good enough jujitsu that he can hang. | ||
| He can defend himself. | ||
| He's not scared to grapple with really high-level guys. | ||
| And he's strong as shit. | ||
| But Kennedy is also a boxer. | ||
| He can hit hard. | ||
| When he gets to the ground, he's got real mixed martial arts skills. | ||
| When he gets to the ground, he'll thump you with punches. | ||
| And so the guy like Hodger, he's not really quite a complete MMA fighter yet. | ||
| He's just this brilliant jiu-jitsu guy who's entering into MMA. And there's guys like Kennedy out there, as long as they're hitting you in the face, you're not going to submit them. | ||
| It's just a completely different ballgame. | ||
| You're all dizzy and shit, your face is puffy, and you can't see it out of your right eye. | ||
| I mean, that's the reality of getting punched in the face. | ||
| I don't like seeing it when guys are really good at jiu-jitsu, and I see them come to MMA and they're just getting fucked up. | ||
| It kind of bothers me because I feel like, you know, they're not ready yet. | ||
| If you're going to really enter into MMA, it has to be a long-term proposition. | ||
| And you should look at it as, like, what are your strengths? | ||
| Your strength is jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Okay, what's your weakness? | ||
| Your weakness is stand-up. | ||
| You've got to fix that. | ||
| You've got to fix that first. | ||
| You can't even think about getting in there unless you can fight in a kickboxing match. | ||
| Because you're going to be going right away to some of the highest level guys in the world because you're Hodrick Racing. | ||
| They take a guy like that and they don't move him along slow. | ||
| He's going to fight high level guys because of his name pretty quickly and because of his reputation in Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Whereas the reality of his striking is he's only been striking a few years. | ||
| You need many years on the books before you go and strike with a guy like Lyoto Machida or something like that. | ||
| You just need a lot of years on the books. | ||
| You have to get him because he's going to light you up. | ||
| He's going to hit you. | ||
| He's going to pot shot you and he's going to crack you and you're not going to be able to stop him. | ||
| And he's going to hit you three or four times like that and he's going to knock you out. | ||
| It's a sneaky game. | ||
| The striking game. | ||
| Striking game is a different game. | ||
| Some guys can just adapt real quick. | ||
| Like, there's some Dan Henderson-type dudes that, like, almost right away, within a couple of years, they're dangerous as fuck. | ||
| But some dudes just never quite get the hang of it. | ||
| Roy Nelson got it real fucking quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real quick. | |
| That's the guy that picked it up. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| And you see it. | ||
| You see when a jiu-jitsu guy is a real jiu-jitsu guy. | ||
| His striking is very slow sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're saying, wow, how is he in the fucking octagon? | ||
| But maybe they know something I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you and Sosa know something I don't know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think we're dealing with a new era of mixed martial artists. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| I don't think people are ever going to try. | ||
| There's that Aldo jump flying knee. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Ba-boom. | ||
| That's like the first exchange of the fight. | ||
| He double flying knees him in the face. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| Cut him real bad over his eyebrow. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yikes. | |
| Face pussy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, but that's one of those things. | ||
| Like I said, I mean, anybody who gets hit by that, that's the reality. | ||
| And we, you know, a lot of great guys don't get hit like that, but if they did, that's what would happen. | ||
| You know, you can't avoid that. | ||
| That was a big lesson. | ||
| It's an important lesson, Saturday night. | ||
| Important lesson for martial artists, because people like to think that because a guy's really good... | ||
| That he can somehow or another magically take punishment better? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| It's a fucking lesson for everybody. | ||
| That's a lesson for everything in life. | ||
| And karma's a motherfucker. | ||
| You see it in basketball sometimes, you'll see a team that's got a reputation to fast break. | ||
| And all of a sudden, this team that nobody's talking about, they fast break too. | ||
| They go in the finals and the coaches say, fast break them. | ||
| And the team that's been fast-breaking motherfuckers, they know how to execute, but they forget how to defend the fast break. | ||
| And they fucking lose. | ||
| It happens all the time in different types of sports and different situations, man. | ||
| The rematch is going to be absolutely fascinating. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to be fascinating to see what's going to happen there. | ||
| The rematch with Weidman and Anderson Silva will be the greatest rematch in the history of the UFC. No doubt about it. | ||
| And everybody's going to want to know if Weidman can do it again. | ||
| And everyone's going to want to know, how is Anderson going to recover? | ||
| That's going to be fascinating as fuck, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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Woo! | |
| That's going to be crazy. | ||
| I can't write out a guy like Anderson Silva. | ||
| I've been right there with you watching 17 fights and the three or two before that on YouTube, whatever, you can't write this guy off. | ||
| You cannot write him off. | ||
| However... | ||
| However, we've seen it with a lot of other fighters. | ||
| Age takes whatever, the money, the children, you know. | ||
| It's a new age. | ||
| I can't wait to see... | ||
| Today I saw a picture of this Gustafson against Jon Jones, the fucking whatever. | ||
| Look at that fight. | ||
| Those are two monsters. | ||
| That's two monsters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, and one of the things about a guy like Anderson, we're comparing him to a guy like Bernard Hopkins who's 10 years older than him. | ||
| Watch how Bernard fights. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is a brilliant defensive fighter. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| You very rarely see Bernard Hopkins get clipped. | ||
| And when he gets clipped, his boxing is good enough that he knows how to go into a shell, he knows how to move, he knows how to give you angles, and he gets away with shit. | ||
| He's got a good chin, and he gets away with shit. | ||
| And one of the reasons why he's got a good chin is he hasn't taken a beating, ever. | ||
| He's never taken a beating his entire career. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins, he kept his skills past any of the fighters of his prime. | ||
| Think about his fight with Roy Jones Jr., Like him and Roy Jones Jr., they duked it out once, and Roy beat him. | ||
| But when they duked it out a second time, Bernard Hopkins basically just like boxed him. | ||
| Just boxed him up. | ||
| Because Bernard's skills hadn't deteriorated like Roy's reflexes. | ||
| Roy's skills were so reflex-based. | ||
| He was so speed and reflex-based. | ||
| In my opinion, he was the scariest boxer that you would ever have to compete against. | ||
| Mike Tyson was ferocious and terrifying, so I shouldn't say he was... | ||
| Man, he was close. | ||
| That was actually a line in a Nas song. | ||
| This is Welcome to the New World, the new Mike Tyson's Roy Jones. | ||
| That was because Roy Jones was just knocking everyone silly. | ||
| He didn't do it the same way that Tyson did. | ||
| He did it with just like speed and ridiculous combinations and insane accuracy. | ||
| He could just move in a way that other dudes couldn't move. | ||
| Like if you go back and watch like his highlight reels, god damn he was amazing. | ||
| But he fought like this weird style with your hands down, and he didn't throw a lot of jabs. | ||
| He threw like a leaping left hook, but he was so fast with it, he would just catch guys on the chin. | ||
| He would light him up with it. | ||
| He threw a lot of lead right hands. | ||
| He had like a different style, and his style was based on his ability to cover ground and his accuracy. | ||
| And as soon as he started getting older and started getting hit and slowed down, that style was like now actually a detriment. | ||
| And so he stopped being offensive. | ||
| Like, one of the most disheartening things about watching Roy Jones Jr. fight now is not that he's still fighting, it's that he's not hurting anybody. | ||
| Like, when you watch him fight, he has to be much more defensive. | ||
| He's been knocked out a few times now, so now it's like his boxing is almost like he's boxing, he's trying to win, but he's also trying to not get knocked out. | ||
| How old is he though? | ||
| I believe he's 40. He owes money, I think. | ||
| Yeah, he wants to get into MMA. That's why he was dead. | ||
| The word is, there was an article about some tax issues, and I would imagine that he thinks that there's some good money for him in MMA. And even at his age, all the fights that he's been in, the toll that that takes on your body, his boxing skills are so far and above the average MMA fighter that it would be kind of interesting. | ||
| Especially if you give a guy like Roy Jones Jr. little tiny gloves. | ||
| Think of how fast he is with regular gloves. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, imagine. | ||
| Give Manny Pacquiao little MMA gloves and imagine how quick he's punching you in the face. | ||
| Can you even see it coming? | ||
| I mean, how do you even stop that? | ||
| There's like four ounces on them as opposed to, what is it, six or eight that he's wearing on a regular basis? | ||
| That's a big difference, man. | ||
| Those little tiny knuckle gloves, that's a big difference. | ||
| A guy like Manny Pacquiao got an MMA. Jesus. | ||
| Just teach him some butterfly guard, how to sprawl, how to get back to your feet. | ||
| Just work with him on that for a couple of years and set him loose. | ||
| How old is Manny now? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| He's in his 30s, right? | ||
| 36, Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| How old is Manny Pacquiao? | ||
| Hey, don't be a dick. | ||
| I don't know how to say it right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you like me to search the web for how old is Nanny Pacquillo? | |
| Pacquillo! | ||
| Pacquillo, what the fuck? | ||
| He was born December 17th. | ||
| He's 34. Oh, he's a young man. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Not in the world of boxing. | ||
| The world of boxing is a different world. | ||
| There's only a few Bernard Hopkins. | ||
| As a matter of fact, he's the only one that I can even think of. | ||
| There's no one else that's managed to keep their career going that deep into their 40s. | ||
| No one in the world of boxing. | ||
| But Manny Macchio is 34. What I'm saying is, he hasn't taken a lot of beats. | ||
| Yes, he has. | ||
| Yeah, he's been in some wars. | ||
| And that last knockout, that Juan Manuel Marquez knockout, that's a career changer. | ||
| That's a career changer. | ||
| Because he ran into a telephone pole right hand. | ||
| I mean, he literally ran into it. | ||
| So it was him moving forward really fast and Marquez catching him on the button. | ||
| And they had two wars before that where they dropped each other. | ||
| So those guys have gone through those fights. | ||
| And then the fight he lost with Bradley, that wasn't a war, but it was a tough fight, you know? | ||
| But if you go, like, back to, like, some of his fights before then, you know, he had been in some crazy fights. | ||
| I mean, even though he's still winning and looking spectacular, you know, there's some wild exchanges. | ||
|
unidentified
|
34. Yeah. | |
| And, you know, who knows? | ||
| I mean, there was also, like, rampant speculation about I don't know if that's true or not. | ||
| And then there's always the question, when fighters do those things, it's like, are they going to continue to do them? | ||
| How are they going to regulate it? | ||
| When you hit really high peaks, like performance-enhancing drug peaks, the real issue is, if they are doing something illegal, how are they going to maintain that level? | ||
| And will they maintain that level? | ||
| It's an artificial level. | ||
| So it's like you're gonna go ups and downs, you gotta take time off in between doing it, and you gotta make sure you catch it right. | ||
| And sometimes they don't. | ||
| And when they don't, you know, you'll see like real inconsistencies in their performance. | ||
| You see them when they look absolutely sensational, and then you see them when they're in this like lull spot in between cycles. | ||
| Who's not doing drugs? | ||
| Can you please tell me? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| Who's not doing drugs? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I think a lot of fighters aren't doing drugs. | ||
| I know BJ Penn I don't say I know, but I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I mean, I don't think he would lie about that. | ||
| That's part of, like, his whole honor with the whole fight game. | ||
| And John Fitch, I think, is another one. | ||
| I don't think John Fitch has ever done anything. | ||
| I personally talked to him about it, and he said he would never be able to live it himself if, you know, he knew that he got there because he was doing something. | ||
| He was using something. | ||
| That dude got really far with just like fucking grittiness and toughness and will, you know, without any enhancement to his body, artificial. | ||
| But there's a lot of folks out there that do do it. | ||
| I don't know how many. | ||
| You wouldn't know unless you're there with them. | ||
| It's all speculation because some guys just have sensational genetics. | ||
| Some guys are just unbelievably robust and they heal quick and they look great. | ||
| And you would swear that they're on something, but they're not on shit. | ||
| Which is part of the weird arguments because not everybody is born... | ||
| Everybody says it's an even playing field, but it's not. | ||
| If you're fighting Jon Jones, you're 5'2", there's no even playing field. | ||
| Oh, you both weigh 205? | ||
| Yeah, I should be fine. | ||
| If there's not an even playing field, you're crazy. | ||
| He has a super body. | ||
| You don't have a chance. | ||
| It's not even. | ||
| And there's nothing you can do, by the way. | ||
| You can take all the steroids in the world. | ||
| You're never going to beat Jon Jones. | ||
| He had the mechanical advantage of his frame and his athleticism. | ||
| The average guy is never going to be able to fuck with that. | ||
| But you figure like every actor over 50 right now in Hollywood is shooting fucking shit. | ||
| Musicians are on the tour doing their 60 and 70. They're shooting shit. | ||
| Well, most of the guys I think use the cream. | ||
| You see those cream ads, testosterone cream? | ||
| Now what about the spray that a friend said is going to be huge? | ||
| Is it a spray? | ||
| Yeah, an oral spray. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Yes, that's going to be the next one. | ||
| Yes, apparently the absorption rate is even better than rubbing it on your skin, the transdermal method. | ||
| It's better when you put it in your mouth. | ||
| You spray it. | ||
| You give yourself a shot in the morning with your mouthwash. | ||
| Do your mouthwash and then give yourself a shot of testosterone and you're off on your way. | ||
| Is that cream you have to rub all over your whole entire body? | ||
| You rub it on your upper arms and shoulders. | ||
| What if you just masturbated with it? | ||
| You could masturbate with it, I guess. | ||
| Would it help anything? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But what if you cleaned up and you accidentally cleaned up your test cream because you thought it was just jizz? | ||
| You'd waste some of your test cream. | ||
| Unless you're a dirty bastard and you just nut all over yourself and then pull your underwear over it and let it all cook. | ||
| Let it all stew inside your ball sack area. | ||
| I've been masturbating with monistat once a week now because it keeps your levels down. | ||
| Your levels of what? | ||
| AIDS? What levels do you have? | ||
| What is monostat, first of all? | ||
| Is that some shit women use for yeast infections? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| What is wrong with you, boy? | ||
| Because I found out that you can have, guys, have yeast infections, and that's why, like, if you have sex with a girl and she has a yeast infection, a lot of times you gave it to her because you don't have usually any symptoms. | ||
| So one of the things to get rid of that is put monostat on your dick, And around your balls and around that shit? | ||
| At least once a month. | ||
| He's like, every 20 minutes. | ||
| Here's the weirdest thing, Joe Rogan. | ||
| In 94 was an open mic comic. | ||
| I was getting divorced and I moved to New York. | ||
| And I would work in the city and I was on the coke and I had to send child support. | ||
| And I just couldn't make it all work. | ||
| So part of my angle every morning, I get a suit before I went to work in the city. | ||
| I go to Fort Lee A&P right there by the George Washington Bridge. | ||
| And they just finished stocking the shelves. | ||
| And I have a briefcase. | ||
| Like a bookcase, like I was a businessman going to the city. | ||
| And I'd put monistat in there, in the cases. | ||
| And monistat, and there was something else they liked. | ||
| Like not the little aspens, but the big aspens. | ||
| And I'd walk over the George Washington Bridge. | ||
| Take it to a bodega, and that's all they would buy from you is yeast infection medication. | ||
| That's what they tell you when you brought them shit. | ||
| They're like, keep bringing it. | ||
| That's the most important thing up in Spanish Harlem is that yeet minus that seven. | ||
| So I would walk it over the bridge. | ||
| I got like 60, 70 bucks in those days. | ||
| I was an open mic. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I was just going over there just enough to have money to get a hot dog, a bag of weed, and do whatever. | ||
| That's how crazy they were. | ||
| The guys would say, Make sure it's a modest step. | ||
| Bring the modest step. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how much people identify with their genitals? | ||
| Because there's a thing that women hate, not more than anything. | ||
| There's a massive generalization that I have to stop myself. | ||
| But there's one thing that a lot of women really do not appreciate, and that's stinky pussy jokes. | ||
| You could talk about your stinky feet. | ||
| You could talk about a girl's stinky feet. | ||
| You can talk about a girl's breath. | ||
| You can talk about a girl's butt. | ||
| You can't talk about a girl's stinky pussy. | ||
| To them? | ||
| To them. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't like when you talk about it even on stage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| I've seen someone do a stinky pussy joke, and then I've seen women in the audience going, oh! | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| Just upset that you put that possibility out there. | ||
| I've never smelt a bad fucking pussy like what people talk about. | ||
| That's because he did a lot of coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Your nose is now broke. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking against that. | ||
| If I pick up a chick at a bar and she's dirty, I'll make that chick take a shower. | ||
| It's not gonna help. | ||
| Oh yes it will. | ||
| It won't help a yeast infection. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm lying. | ||
| I finger banged a girl in Idaho Falls, an American Indian. | ||
| I figured she had those Daisy Dukes on. | ||
| I was doing one of those triple one-nighters and I'm all horned up though. | ||
| I got like $32. | ||
| I got no blow. | ||
| I'm drinking Budweiser. | ||
| I'm fucking furious. | ||
| And I'm dancing with her and she's letting me touch her ass. | ||
| Joe Rogan, and I stick my hand in like this way, like four finger loo. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And I had that fucking yogurt on my finger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In your hand! | |
| Look at the size of his hand! | ||
| And I was fingering it this way, you know, Bruce Lee, you know, I was fingering it this way. | ||
| Like Machiwara? | ||
| Like Machiwara style. | ||
| And I took it out. | ||
| Iron Palm. | ||
| I was dancing with it and I could smell my hand. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| I remember I just fucking like, so I gotta go do something. | ||
| That's a sad moment. | ||
| You can't get it off. | ||
| Do you know that the smell of fish is actually from old cum, usually. | ||
| So if it's a really strong fish smell, that means there's cum inside of her. | ||
| That's funny because that's what my balls always smell like if I jerk off and don't wipe up. | ||
| It smells like fish. | ||
| This is what it smells like. | ||
| I just don't realize I'm pathetic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to be lazy and even wipe up my own jizz. | |
| I'd shoot at my pubes and pull my underwear out. | ||
| By the way, I've done that dozens of times in my life, too. | ||
| Not just once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fish balls. | |
| I shoot, if I jerk off, I just shoot a load on my pubes. | ||
| I don't even bother cleaning it up. | ||
| I just pull my underwear up. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| Especially when I'm in the house. | ||
| I'm like, as long as it's covered, what do I give a fuck? | ||
| If I'm in the hotel by myself, I'll bang one out of the shorts. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who cares? | |
| Who cares? | ||
| I bang one out in the bed and laid on it. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's my own fucking... | ||
| All day. | ||
| I don't know about it. | ||
| This is my little tropical helmet juice. | ||
| But that was the only time I really ever, like... | ||
| I dated a chick that one. | ||
| Before I started dating her, the chick was a little... | ||
| This was when I was like 19, 20. And I didn't know what to expect of a pussy that didn't smell like it. | ||
| She took care of it. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| No, that. | ||
| What? | ||
| She took care of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was amazing. | |
| No, that's good. | ||
| I would sniff it and everything and never sniff nothing. | ||
| It was delicious. | ||
| I knew a girl when I was young and had a problem. | ||
| Did you say something to her? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| I was too... | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I mean, it was back then when, you know, when you're in your teenage years and you're fooling around, you don't know what the hell you're doing. | ||
| The last thing you're going to do is start bringing things up. | ||
| Did you keep eating it though? | ||
| Oh, no, there was none of that. | ||
| No, there was none of that going on. | ||
| She didn't want you to do that. | ||
| She knew something was wrong. | ||
| But it was just like, it was one of those things where I bet, you know, she was a Catholic girl, and I bet her parents didn't talk to her about it. | ||
| I bet she had no idea, and I bet she thought that's just what they smelled like, you know? | ||
| And it was unfortunate, you know? | ||
| She figured it out later, though, later in life. | ||
| She called you up and told you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I hooked up with her later when I was in, like, in my 20s, like, once. | ||
| And I was like, oh, it's all cleaned up now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Imagine if it still was a mess. | ||
| Longest running yeast infection ever. | ||
| No one ever talked to her. | ||
| It was just always this thing that was never discussed. | ||
| Do you ever prejudge a woman? | ||
| Do you judge a woman and go, that chick's pussy stinks? | ||
| Sometimes I look at a woman and I go, I guarantee her pussy smells fucking horrible. | ||
| You know, her ass. | ||
| I can look at a chicken and go, I gotta pee her ass most fucking bad. | ||
| Well, if you've seen a girl that's like a sloppy drunk with dirty feet, you gotta imagine there's something going on. | ||
| I always go by weight, usually. | ||
| Bigger girls have a worse smell? | ||
| Yeah, because they could be trying to clean their pussy for the last five years and it was the wrong crack. | ||
| Yeah, but I dated this Italian skinny chick that had a little wang to her monkey when I was a kid. | ||
| I mean, it didn't stop me from eating her. | ||
| A little wang to her monkey? | ||
| It didn't stop me from eating her. | ||
| She was skinny. | ||
| A slight wang. | ||
| She had to be like 90 pounds, but her pussy weighed 60. She was one of those chicks, and she was Italian, so it smelled like fucking, it was tremendous. | ||
| Like mozzarella? | ||
| Like mozzarella. | ||
| By the way, dog, when you're in the sea, down the block from that fucking Cuban joint you turned me on to, that Domingo's ain't bad, huh? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I haven't been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I got the meatball sandwich, I got the calamari salad. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| Is it like a deli? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Right up the block from fucking... | ||
| On Ventura? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Domingo's. | ||
| I went there the other day. | ||
| A lot of good restaurants on that street. | ||
| I'll get restaurants. | ||
| Bro, somebody was telling me that's Aventura by my house, like studios, that's where I invented sushi. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fucking people are like, bro, that's where they invented sushi and shit. | ||
| They invented sushi in Japan. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You never know no more. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| You're Italian, right? | ||
| You've been Italian all your life. | ||
| When did you eat ciabatta bread? | ||
| A year ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You never ate ciabatta bread? | ||
| I never even heard of it. | ||
| There was never ciabatta bread. | ||
| There's shit that they invent now that even the fucking people going... | ||
| The Mexicans Taco Bell invents more shit than Spanish people. | ||
| Yeah, chalupas and galupas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even Mexicans are like, what the fuck are they talking about? | |
| So you never know anymore. | ||
| I don't know whether they invent this. | ||
| She was invented on Van Nuys. | ||
| Yeah, what's Taco Bell doing commercials where they have chefs pretending that the flavor had to be just right? | ||
| Like, they have a shit. | ||
| Don't put anything online. | ||
| Don't get us to famed. | ||
| Put up any images. | ||
| But you know that commercial? | ||
| I thought you were going to throw it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the little lady with the Mexican woman who... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she's smelling vegetables? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| I'm going to make sure the celery is fresh. | ||
| She's smelling the fucking vegetables with those fucking radiation shit. | ||
| Yeah, and who does that also is Domino's. | ||
| Like, have you had Domino's? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, Domino's. | ||
| It's frozen pizza crust with shitty sauce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| Is Domino's frozen? | ||
| I don't think they're frozen. | ||
| I don't think anybody does that. | ||
| Olive Garden. | ||
| Olive Garden's food is frozen. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| I think what the story is is that they get things almost like frozen food where they just kind of thaw it out on noodles. | ||
| That the whole thing's just frozen. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You can't say that unless you know for sure. | ||
| We can get in trouble. | ||
| Stop your allegedly. | ||
| You gotta stop doing that, dude. | ||
| You're gonna get people sued. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| You can't just say that Olive Garden does that. | ||
| You're the one who's always talking about the fucking Olive Garden like it's so awesome. | ||
| Now you're turning on them. | ||
| This is a classic case of a relationship gone bad. | ||
| People get used to each other and then they turn on them. | ||
| At one time you were my love and now I hate you. | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| There's the truth behind their school. | ||
| Well, you read up on that and get back to us later, all right? | ||
| Read it up. | ||
| You can't be defaming a fine American institution. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I said a legend. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Nah, but I know you're in that area. | ||
| That whole area is bomb. | ||
| Is it really bomb? | ||
| Versailles, I love that place. | ||
| That Cuban joint that we go to. | ||
| The fucking beans. | ||
| Everybody says that. | ||
| Chicken with garlic. | ||
| Garlic chicken with onions. | ||
| You like onions? | ||
| I love them. | ||
| They smother it with onions. | ||
| Cuban style. | ||
| That chicken is so goddamn good. | ||
| It's the best chicken in the world. | ||
| I love that chicken. | ||
| Yeah, that Domingo's is next to the baklava factory. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I know exactly where it is. | ||
| You know exactly where it is. | ||
| Right in there. | ||
| And they fucking make... | ||
| I mean, I've been hearing it from Steve Simone, D'Agostino. | ||
| And then D'Agostino brought me a half a meatball sandwich. | ||
| I was going to taste this. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| There's an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show where he goes to this spot in New York City that's been around since the 1800s with the same family, and they bring him over spaghetti with gravy and meatballs, and that's what they call it, gravy. | ||
| Gravy, yeah. | ||
| They call it gravy back then. | ||
| It's like old-style East Coast Italian, and you look at the spaghetti, it's yellow, and the sauce is red. | ||
| You look at that meatball, and you're like, oh my God. | ||
| That's red lead. | ||
| Lead? | ||
| That's what kills you, boy. | ||
| You gotta eat that at 5 and go for a walk. | ||
| Red lead. | ||
| Because it just tranquilizes you. | ||
| What do they put in that? | ||
| What do real guineas put in that sauce? | ||
| Let's get down to it. | ||
| Sausage, meat, sausage, meat, nothing healthy. | ||
| Like now, Italians, now, for the last 10 years, now, real Italians. | ||
| Because of their heart, they eat turkey. | ||
| Gotta put a little turkey in that motherfucker. | ||
| It tastes the same, dog. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Turkey! | ||
| You already written on it, dog. | ||
| It tastes the same. | ||
| That shit started 10 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you think about what red lead is. | ||
| They put the beef, the fucking... | ||
| Sunday sauce. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's nothing healthy in there. | ||
| Yeah, they always had a sundae sauce. | ||
| And the sundae sauce would be just all kinds of shit. | ||
| Sausage and meatballs. | ||
| Why do you think you go to sleep after you eat it? | ||
| How many protein grams do you... | ||
| Your body assimilates, what, 30 grams? | ||
| I don't know, something like that. | ||
| Yeah, 30. You need 150 a day to build muscle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit is 90. Your body cat crashes! | |
| Like, your body crashes, though. | ||
| And the fat from the pork fat. | ||
| And the pork and the fucking bread. | ||
| That's the flavor. | ||
| The pork's the flavor. | ||
| That's the flavor, though. | ||
| Are they good for us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, you gotta have the pork. | ||
| The pork's the flavor. | ||
| Don't put too much with it. | ||
| Don't put too much onions. | ||
| I put one onion. | ||
| I put one onion. | ||
| That fucking scene makes me hungry every time. | ||
| Hungry every time. | ||
| When Pauly's slicing the garlic with the razor blade. | ||
| With a manicure. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| With a fucking manicure. | ||
| In jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In jail. | |
| Flippers. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you got? | |
| What do you got for us? | ||
| You got some bread? | ||
| Throw it over here. | ||
| You got some wine. | ||
| I got salami. | ||
| I got prosciutto. | ||
| I got prosciutto. | ||
| If that was really, I wonder if that was really how they lived in jail. | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| They really, really did. | ||
| You could get anything in there. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I called. | |
| I'm trying to do a special. | ||
| So I'm trying to figure out where to do, and it's between Houston and Denver. | ||
| But if I do it in Denver, I'm going to go close to where I did time. | ||
| At Camp George West. | ||
| It's a little camp right by Golden, Colorado, the House of Coors. | ||
| Dude, I think I'm going to do my next special in Denver. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the place to go. | ||
| I think I'm going to do my next special at a comedy club. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I'm going to do my next one at the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't talked to Wendy about it. | ||
| Take it back, old school. | ||
| It's one of my favorite places to be. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I like those small things too. | ||
| That's the problem I'm having. | ||
| I want a comedy club, but I hear that some comedy clubs, you've got to give them 20 grand. | ||
| When you're saying you would do it near where you got arrested, where was that? | ||
| I got arrested in Boulder, so I could do the Fox Theater. | ||
| Boulder's great. | ||
| I could do a bunch of stuff in Boulder. | ||
| Do Boulder while school's in session? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| We could go there anytime we want. | ||
| You tell me you want to book a show in Boulder, I'll book a show with you tomorrow in Boulder. | ||
| I'll book it, man. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I've been trying to kidnap my wife and bring her back there forever. | ||
| Boulder is the shit. | ||
| That's the greatest town on earth. | ||
| I mean, it's right up there with Alaska, that Anchorage, Alaska, but Alaska gets too cold. | ||
| Boulder gets, like, towering. | ||
| How good was the fish up there? | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Did you get any halibut? | ||
| Did you eat any halibut? | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| No, I think we had some halibut. | ||
| What were the fish you were catching? | ||
| Oh, I had some crab legs. | ||
| How good were they? | ||
| Oh, amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| You're getting them fresh. | ||
| You're getting fresh Alaskan king crab legs. | ||
| Fuck Gelson's with that bullshit. | ||
| $82 and it gets here two days later. | ||
| What's really badass about Alaska is the people, though. | ||
| The people are just top-notch, man. | ||
| They were so fucking cool. | ||
| They couldn't have been cooler. | ||
| It's just like one of those places you're like, oh, I get it. | ||
| When you're just there for a day, you're just like, oh, man, people are different up here. | ||
| They're different because they've got to deal with an extreme climate, and they all bond together, you know? | ||
| Like, they were talking, one of the dudes that was working there was talking about Jewel, you know, because Jewel is from Alaska. | ||
| And apparently something happened once where she had to cancel a show. | ||
| And then when she came back, after she had canceled, there was, like, really low attendance. | ||
| Because people were disappointed in her. | ||
| They don't forgive you for stuff like that. | ||
| Like, they think, like, you're a part of a community, right? | ||
| And if you cancel something, especially if you don't have the best excuse ever, they get upset at you. | ||
| I thought I found that fascinating. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They said she's normal. | ||
| They said she's like a normal person. | ||
| She's out there. | ||
| Everybody knows where her house is. | ||
| Nobody fucks with her. | ||
| By the way, have you watched the Liberace movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| On HBO. I heard you were doing a bit about it on stage. | ||
| I heard it's good. | ||
| I didn't hear it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For some people, for me, it's to see what I've seen growing up. | ||
| Creepy old fags trying to pick up young fucking guys and doing it. | ||
| And how he did it, Joe. | ||
| How he did it. | ||
| How he did it. | ||
| He had a lawyer. | ||
| He had his manager that would just write the people checks and you had to give them the jewelry back. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I'll tell you what he did. | ||
| Matt Damon's character, he made him get plastic surgery to look like him. | ||
| Watch the fucking movie. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Watch the fucking movie. | ||
| You're gonna die. | ||
| You're gonna die when he gets Matt Damon in side control with his dick in his mouth. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He goes, look who's up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And he just swallows that fucking sword. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Watch the movie. | ||
| Is it really that good? | ||
| Just watch the movie, Doug. | ||
| That sounds amazing. | ||
| It's probably going to be like Brokeback Mountain. | ||
| That sounds amazing. | ||
| It's not like Brokeback Mountain, but it's interesting to see. | ||
| You know, listen, man. | ||
| We've heard some fucked up shit living in Hollywood. | ||
| We've heard a lot of stories. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But you've never heard of a motherfucker making another motherfucker do plastic surgery to look like him. | ||
| And then threw his ass out and gave him $75,000. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I found out the Olive Garden thing, I guess it used to be fresher. | ||
| Back in the day, they used to make noodles out in the open so everyone could see it and stuff, but the cut costs, they've kind of cut certain things down. | ||
| It's not frozen. | ||
| But a lot of people are saying, like, always say the sauces were always frozen. | ||
| Supposedly half the shit's frozen, half of it's not. | ||
| But just like every other restaurant, you don't get chicken, raw chicken every day. | ||
| Listen, if you want low prices, you gotta deal with that shit. | ||
| So this Liberace movie, it's called Behind the Candelabra. | ||
| And when did it come out? | ||
| It came out about two months ago, and I didn't watch it. | ||
| I didn't know what it was, and I got stuck watching it one night, and I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| He was a veterinarian, and how this guy picked him up. | ||
| He was a veterinarian? | ||
| How he got rid of the guy before him, like that he just got rid of him, and then he had a bunch of guys, and how he would just latch on to young guys and touch their leg. | ||
| It was just really... | ||
| You gotta just see the fucking... | ||
| Well, that's the thing with baller gay dudes. | ||
| Baller gay dudes. | ||
| Baller gay dudes, they get twinks. | ||
| These guys are real old school fags, bro. | ||
| He had a wig. | ||
| He had a wig. | ||
| He was sucking dick without his wig on. | ||
| Did he take his wig off in the movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The first time Matt Damon sees me, he goes, ah, who's this? | ||
| And he goes, oh, that's the first time you saw me without a wig. | ||
| And it's fucking Michael Douglas. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, you got to just 20, 30 minutes. | ||
| I'm watching that tonight. | ||
| That's my favorite new movie, and I haven't even seen it. | ||
| That might be my favorite movie and I haven't even seen it. | ||
| You know, when I first got here in 98, the big thing was that book, You'll Never Work in This Town Again. | ||
| Remember that hooker wrote a book and she had Don Henley in the book and Charlie Sheen. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Don Henley would get five hookers, tell them to bend over. | ||
| They weren't even allowed to pop their head open. | ||
| They were all in Downward Dog for hours. | ||
| Nobody in that group of hookers had carpal tunnel syndrome. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| Right. | ||
| He would make five hookers come over, put them down. | ||
| I'm not trying to be cute. | ||
| He'd do coke and walk around with a robe and put his dick in him, pump him twice, take it out, walk over to the other hooker, pump it twice, then look at him and put on Hotel California and sit down. | ||
| Do two more lines of coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put it up in the Hotel California. | |
| That was before Viagra, too. | ||
| This is before Viagra, and this is... | ||
| But he asked him Liberace. | ||
| He's like, how do you do it? | ||
| How do you fucking do it? | ||
| How did you fuck me four times today? | ||
| So there's shit in there, too. | ||
| You can see Liberace does the poppers, and Matt Damon won't sniff the poppers. | ||
| Wow, this sounds like the best movie ever. | ||
| Now, does poppers make you get your dick hard? | ||
| I thought poppers was like a relaxing thing. | ||
| I'm not a popper type of guy, but in the gay community, I guess when you fuck another guy in the muffler, you hit him with a popper, and it keeps his dick hot. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So please don't quote me. | ||
| Don't quote me. | ||
| A popper. | ||
| I was never into popper. | ||
| What do they call it? | ||
| What's a little fucking thing, guys? | ||
| Emile nitrates. | ||
| What's the brand? | ||
| Locker room? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is there a brand? | ||
| Is there a brand of popper? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never taken it. | ||
| I don't even know what a popper is. | ||
| Brian's got one up his butt right now. | ||
| Brian's got him in his fucking house. | ||
| That's his middle name in Columbus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Popper. | |
| The fuck are you kidding? | ||
| This motherfucker was making sixth grade to sniff that shit. | ||
| It's Popper Speed? | ||
| No, it's this joint, it's this drink. | ||
| And what happened was, what time at the Miami Improv had a condo across the street from it, the old Miami Improv, and it belonged to one of the owners. | ||
| It was where he put his mistresses and shit as bitches. | ||
| But after he bought the club, he donated it to the club. | ||
| And it had the bed and the wall. | ||
| I must have fucked 80 women in there. | ||
| I used to tie them up up there. | ||
| I would tie them up and put coke rocks in their pussy and shit. | ||
| And they would all wake up tied up like Jesus and shit. | ||
| And if you get that bed, you could still see like eight ropes left on that. | ||
| I always had to get a new rope to tie them up. | ||
| But one time, I wasn't there. | ||
| And they called me. | ||
| They're like, where are you? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm in L.A., what's going on? | ||
| They're like, were you at the condo two weeks ago? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| And they're like, because whoever was there left a mess and they left a thousand poppers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And I go, you're like the type of mother. | ||
| I snort coke, dog. | ||
| Don't confuse me with doing fucking poppers. | ||
| And it was a little thing like this. | ||
| And you opened it and it had a locker in it. | ||
| It was like a locker room or something. | ||
| That's what it was called? | ||
| And you would sniff it and it would get you high for 60 seconds. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That shit's supposed to give you, like, instant brain damage, too. | ||
| It's supposed to also give you AIDS, I think. | ||
| No, that was what... | ||
| Dewsberg was claiming that that was a part of, you know... | ||
| I shouldn't even... | ||
| That was the most controversial podcast we ever did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| The AIDS podcast. | ||
| We had this guy, Peter Dewsberg. | ||
| And Dewsberg is a professor at the University of California, Berkeley. | ||
| He's a biologist. | ||
| And he was the one that said that HIV doesn't cause AIDS. So we had this guy on and tried to have him explain it to us. | ||
| Of course, we're idiots, so we don't know if what he's saying is right or wrong. | ||
| He might be completely full of shit. | ||
| He might be making shit up. | ||
| We, you know, Brian and I have no idea. | ||
| And so I said, well, let me get Matt Staggs to see if he can get someone to debate him. | ||
| Nobody would debate the dude. | ||
| Everybody was telling me I was an asshole for having him on. | ||
| Okay, I don't know. | ||
| Are you sure that he's not right? | ||
| He's a goddamn biologist at the University of California, Berkeley, published biologist, who has all this peer-reviewed research on cancer that everybody respects, and he's saying crazy shit like HIV doesn't cause AIDS. The problem is, I'm an idiot, okay? | ||
| So when I go online and I try to read the arguments, like whether or not it does or doesn't, It seems to me that if more people are saying it does, then I would go with them. | ||
| Because they're scientists, right? | ||
| There's a few of these rogue guys like him that say it's just they're taking amyl nitrate and they're taking crystal meth and they're just crushing their immune system. | ||
| And that's why these guys are all getting sick. | ||
| And it's not HIV killing them. | ||
| It's partying that's killing them. | ||
| But then people say, oh, he's a homophobe for saying this, and it's a terrible thing he's doing, and it's an injustice, and blood is on his hands, and people are still dying of AIDS. So he's saying that people are getting HIV because they don't take care of themselves. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Here's what a copper bottle looks like. | ||
| This is an Iraqi horse. | ||
| So if anybody hears this and you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rush, rush. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Oh, that's legal? | ||
| Iraqi horse. | ||
| Yeah, you can just buy him in the stores. | ||
| For what? | ||
| What's the use for? | ||
| What are you supposed to use it for? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wholesale gay poppers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you. | |
| That's legal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on, son. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| Uncle Joey's dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers today. | ||
| Don't promote these because these are probably killing people. | ||
| But if anybody knows anybody that's a biologist who wants a date, uh, date? | ||
| A date, date, date. | ||
| Want to fuck Peter Deuceburg. | ||
| Show him some AIDS. No. | ||
| Debate. | ||
| My apologies, Mr. Deuceburg, sir. | ||
| It's just a joke. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| If there's any other show, you'd probably really be mad at me right now, but those jokes happen often. | ||
| I wanted someone to debate him, but nobody wanted to have any piece of shit. | ||
| Because he was too intelligent? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's like a Holocaust denier. | ||
| If you debate a Holocaust denier, you're actually giving them some form of credit. | ||
| By even debating them, especially if a legit historian sits down with a Holocaust denier, it's such a preposterous idea that even to be connected with it is somehow or another promoting it. | ||
| And so it's so distasteful that nobody wants to talk to a Holocaust denier. | ||
| You don't even give them the time of day. | ||
| A Holocaust denier? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A denier. | ||
| Someone who says the Holocaust didn't happen. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that out there, by the way. | ||
| There's a lot of crazy fucks that think that the concentration camps... | ||
| And I'm going to get some tweets now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What you need to know is that they exaggerated the numbers and... | |
| What I need to know is why are you concentrating on that? | ||
| Why are you even trying to doubt that aspect of history? | ||
| I mean, have you ever watched those videos where you see those poor fucking people being led to the concentration camps? | ||
| There's no doubt horrific shit went on. | ||
| You know, you trying to reduce the numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's actually four million, not six. | |
| It's a horrible time in history. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| And you know what's really fucked up about the Holocaust? | ||
| It was so recent. | ||
| You know, when I was a little kid, I remember I was born in 1967. | ||
| And when I was a little kid, I remember that we were, like, talking about World War II. | ||
| And we were talking about World War II and the Holocaust. | ||
| And it seemed so long ago because it was, you know, at the time maybe like 30 years ago. | ||
| It was like 1977 or something like that when I was 10. | ||
| And it seems like a million years ago. | ||
| But now when I think back of 30 years ago, like 1977 is like basically 30 years ago. | ||
| That shit is so recent. | ||
| It's so goddamn recent. | ||
| Like, I can remember 1977. I don't remember a lot of things. | ||
| I remember my mother had a gold barracuda. | ||
| You know, I remember we lived in San Francisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember some shit. | |
| I remember some shit from 1977. So that freaks me out that that recently people could have done that. | ||
| That that recently people could have just decided that all Jews are evil and we're going to kill them all. | ||
| How many people did Stalin kill? | ||
| How many people did Hitler kill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just 47. You ever see Hitler's artwork? | |
| No. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| He was a really talented artist. | ||
| He could have totally just been a famous artist. | ||
| First of all, how dare you? | ||
| You're never supposed to give credit at all to Hitler. | ||
| Someone in the UFC Q&A said if you could fight anyone in history, who would it be? | ||
| I said Hitler. | ||
| So I'll fuck Hitler up. | ||
| I'll kick the shit out of Hitler. | ||
| I'll bet the house that I'm going to win. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| They don't even have vitamins back then. | ||
| Who fucked that dude up with his stupid mustache? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's pretty sweet, though. | ||
| He was a pretty good artist. | ||
| That is kind of amazing. | ||
| So Hitler was a good artist. | ||
| Well, you know who else I want? | ||
| Kevorkian. | ||
| We've shown this on the podcast before, remember? | ||
| Kevorkian was a creaky artist. | ||
| Did he die yet? | ||
| I do not know. | ||
| I think he did. | ||
| Remember for years you had him out of every other fucking week and now you don't hear nothing. | ||
| They put him in jail when he was an old man, you know? | ||
| The whole thing's kind of crazy. | ||
| You should be able to die when you want to die, man. | ||
| Especially if you're in fucking serious pain. | ||
| Like, why shouldn't he be able to die? | ||
| There's a new Hitler's Chicken. | ||
| Have you heard about that? | ||
| Hitler's Chicken? | ||
| Yeah, it's in Thailand. | ||
| It just opened up, and the KFC's going to assume, because it was an old KFC, and they actually... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hitler Fried Chicken in Thailand? | ||
| Oh my god, it's KFC and they just put Hitler's face on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, that's so crazy. | |
| Why can't you do that though? | ||
| Has enough time passed? | ||
| I bet you could sell Genghis Khan french fries. | ||
| I bet if you had Genghis Khan's fries, nobody would fuck with you. | ||
| I think it's because ovens are involved, you know, the ovens. | ||
| I didn't think of that. | ||
| How do you know they're not frying them? | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| Yeah, they use like deep frying techniques. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's chicken. | ||
| It's not a fucking human. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's not long enough ago. | ||
| But you could have Genghis Khan french fries. | ||
| You could have... | ||
| How about Caesar? | ||
| Little Caesar? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Caesar was an evil cunt. | ||
| They were all evil cunts. | ||
| They're all responsible for the death of millions. | ||
| Now they're a cute little cartoon that's holding up a pizza. | ||
| Fucking Little Caesar. | ||
| You ever think of that? | ||
| Think of Little Caesar. | ||
| Caesar was... | ||
| There's never been a Caesar. | ||
| Julius Caesar, never been a Caesar, didn't have blood on his hands. | ||
| Romans were crazy. | ||
| They were fucking savages. | ||
| By the time the fall of the Roman Empire was going on, how many of those Caesars didn't have, like, a few deaths on their hands? | ||
| Quite a few. | ||
| What's up with that? | ||
| Is that the Hitler chicken? | ||
| It's a Hitler chicken. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Hitler didn't walk like that. | ||
| It's a Nazi chicken, right? | ||
| Now, what does it say to that shit? | ||
| Just to go back to that fucking bottle you had, what does it say it does to you, the gay poppers? | ||
| Joey's still fascinated. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's never left. | ||
| He's been pretending to care about Hitler. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about Hitler. | ||
| Fuck that motherfucker. | ||
| I'm thinking about getting... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, I'm done with coke, but poppers are not out of the question. | |
| No, no, no, no, I wouldn't. | ||
| I talked to my doctor. | ||
| Poppers are good for my heart. | ||
| That's why they sell them on the black market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turns out, Joe Rogan, gay dudes have a 10% healthier heart because of poppers. | |
| So tell Thoosberg you can shove it up your ass. | ||
| The effects are, like, brief but intense. | ||
| The effects are a sudden surge of blood to the heart and the brain. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That doesn't sound good. | ||
| If you wanted to answer a really important question, take some poppers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you wanted to answer a really important question, will you marry me? | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Water in the ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or if you're on a game show? | |
| Imagine if you're on a game show and you just throw a popper in your mouth. | ||
| Brian, you would get the worst advice ever. | ||
| Imagine some poor foolies in front of Drew Carey trying to guess the prices right. | ||
| And you're like, Brian Redman said I should do a popper right now. | ||
| It says that it's time slowing down. | ||
| It feels like it's time slowing down. | ||
| It also is a... | ||
| Heat flush sometimes, light-headiness, giddiness. | ||
| Someone's doing that on TV now. | ||
| It lasts two to five minutes. | ||
| Someone's going to do that on TV. Oh, by the way, speaking of drugs, you see the fucking Michael Jackson shit that was going on with this trial. | ||
| No. | ||
| They ain't giving this motherfucker money, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| The worst thing they could have done with this trial was really open up the world to what this guy really was. | ||
| Did you see yesterday's article? | ||
| No, I haven't been following it at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Like the skin was too damaged. | ||
| From just shooting himself in the ass? | ||
| Shooting himself. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy was fucking out there. | |
| And somebody, a doctor that I go to see, said to me, he goes, these people don't know what kind of worms they're gonna open up by doing this. | ||
| This guy had skeletons in the closet that go back 30 fucking years since off the wall. | ||
| Well, any guy who's, like, doing that much to his face, like, the craziness that he was doing, like, that famous picture of him where he had his nose, like, have, like, there was, like, a skin graft over his nose. | ||
| I think he was in court, right? | ||
| You remember that picture, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull that picture up. | ||
| See if you can find that picture. | ||
| There's a picture of Michael Jackson's nose. | ||
| Yeah, that's the old Michael Jackson that we used to love. | ||
| That's him drinking whiskey? | ||
| Vodka with two midgets. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| You don't even know that that's real. | ||
| That's a goddamn sketch from the Man Show. | ||
| Drunk hipster, Michael Jackson. | ||
| No, that's a guy doing... | ||
| That was a Halloween costume. | ||
| This is the real Michael Jackson. | ||
| Two doves and a pair of underwear. | ||
| But go see if you can find the photo of his nose, because it's one of the weirdest things ever. | ||
| And I remember seeing that, saying, this is a strange exercise in culture that we're seeing in Michael Jackson. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It just pulled it up and it freaked me out. | ||
| Yeah, because for every human being, you know, these are strange times. | ||
| Like, that's a skin graft over his nose or something. | ||
| Maybe it's tape? | ||
| It looks like the poster from Silence of the Lambs. | ||
| Is that a tape over his nose? | ||
| It's hard to tell what that is. | ||
| Is it a bandage? | ||
| It looks just like skin. | ||
| It's hard to tell if that's skin or some kind of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Owl face. | |
| ...adhesive or something like that, but he... | ||
| I remember looking at that image and thinking, wow, what has this guy done? | ||
| And then I remember thinking, what must the pressure be like... | ||
| When you're that guy, what must reality be like if you start off as a child, like super famous and loved by millions, you know? | ||
| You remember A, B, C? Hit sample as one, two, three. | ||
| I mean, he was huge way, way, way, way, way, way back before anybody knew how to handle it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was huge as a baby. | |
| Bro, and watch what this Justin Bieber is going to come out to me. | ||
| This Justin Bieber is going to make Michael Jackson look like a fucking puppet dog. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| He's going to be black in like seven years. | ||
| Yeah, he'll be black in seven years. | ||
| He seems fine right now. | ||
| He works out. | ||
| His skin gets darker. | ||
| He's trying to get some pussy. | ||
| Why are you hating on Justin? | ||
| I'm hating on him. | ||
| I'm just telling you what I see. | ||
| You can't do 90 fucking miles an hour in calabasas around white people. | ||
| I see a dude with a chrome car getting his dick sucked on the rug. | ||
| I see it fucking too. | ||
| I see it too. | ||
| Someone's hating. | ||
| Do you see his car around here ever? | ||
| No, I've never seen it. | ||
| That's on the 101. He apparently has a leopard print car now. | ||
| One of those Audi R10s or something like that. | ||
| R8s, R10s, whatever it is. | ||
| And it's got leopard print. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened to the laugh action? | |
| I forget. | ||
| He banged somebody's car to laugh. | ||
| He hit a paparazzi. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| Well, someone died on the Pacific Coast Highway because they were trying to take a picture of him and paparazzis run across the street and got clipped. | ||
| He died while... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at his Audi. | ||
| Leopard print. | ||
| That's sexy. | ||
| That is so silly. | ||
| That's sexy as fuck. | ||
| That's so silly. | ||
| It's so silly that he would do that. | ||
| What an ugly look to that car. | ||
| That's the most badass car. | ||
| Everlast is one of those. | ||
| It's such a wicked looking car. | ||
| To cover that thing with leopard print. | ||
| But that's like, that's the silliest, I can do whatever the fuck I want move ever, you know? | ||
| He had a Karma Fisker that was chrome. | ||
| Did you ever see that thing? | ||
| That's just preposterous. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you, young man? | ||
| Running around in a chrome car. | ||
| Telling you 10 years from now, he's gonna be on heroin, fucking transporting Mexican fucking people, doing a bunch of shit with a helicopter. | ||
| Seemally a good kid. | ||
| You met him? | ||
| Maybe he's gonna do some yoga. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I met him at UFC. He's gonna seem very friendly. | ||
| Seem pretty down to earth considering who the fuck he is. | ||
| Just think of how crazy you would be if you were Justin Bieber. | ||
| Think of what you would have done if you had become Justin Bieber when you were 15 or whatever he is. | ||
| 20 years old with $50 million. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What are you acting like? | ||
| You go crazy. | ||
| What are you acting like? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| The world is your oyster. | ||
| You think somebody comes to you and says, put your money away, you're going to listen to that person, you're going to go, fuck... | ||
| You. | ||
| Right in the face? | ||
| Bro, can you imagine you go to the standard and fucking just buy waitresses? | ||
| Like, dog, how much for you? | ||
| You'd be like that prince or the king in the Game of Thrones. | ||
| That's who you'd be like. | ||
| You'd be evil. | ||
| You know, the amount of power... | ||
| Like, that's not the amount of power that a person should ever attain. | ||
| And it's incredibly rare that a person ever does attain that type of wealth. | ||
| Like, you got Justin Bieber-type wealth... | ||
| And the fact that he's getting it when he's... | ||
| Am I boring you? | ||
| The fact that he gets it when he's 17 or whatever the hell he is? | ||
| How old was he when he got super famous? | ||
| Was he like 17? | ||
| Younger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
15? | |
| 15? | ||
| What is he now, like 19? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| He's like a young man now. | ||
| We have this game that we play that was like, could you beat up so-and-so, so-and-so? | ||
| And we like, say it to like, you know, and I said, I could beat up Bieber. | ||
| Because not really thinking, I was like, yeah, he's a little kid. | ||
| I got old man fat strength. | ||
| I could just sit on him or something like that. | ||
| But then I saw him with his shirt off the other day on some website, and I was like, holy shit, that dude could probably destroy me. | ||
| He's fucking ripped. | ||
| He's a little boy now. | ||
| Fuck you up. | ||
| Plus, I think he's like a blue belt or something. | ||
| Do you think he could beat you up, Diaz? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| Is he a blue belt in jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Somebody told me that. | ||
| No, you know who is, too? | ||
| Michael Jackson's son. | ||
| He just got his blue belt. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Gracie Torrance, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| So it's a legit blue belt. | ||
| Fucking Ustream, man. | ||
| Ustream keeps lagging out. | ||
| I don't know why Ustream keeps sucking it lately. | ||
| We gotta figure out what's going on with this. | ||
| But people are complaining like nuts. | ||
| Yeah, they complain in the mornings, too. | ||
| Shit's going on. | ||
| Too many commercials, this and this. | ||
| Well, that's not the problem we're having. | ||
| We're just having a problem with it cutting out like crazy. | ||
| But is it come... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The app is good? | ||
| It's working? | ||
| But is it, when we upload it to Vimeo, do we get a clean? | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Okay, so watch the Vimeo. | ||
| Don't pay attention to us. | ||
| Why are you watching us right now anyway? | ||
| And the fact that it works on the iPad fine just goes to believe that it is more, again, a flash plug-in problem. | ||
| Hmm, that's interesting. | ||
| So maybe I should try it on another browser. | ||
| Alright, let me try it on another browser. | ||
| I'm going to shut this bitch off, and I'm going to try it. | ||
| You're on Chrome right there? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to try it on Safari. | ||
| Where are you at this weekend, Joe Diaz? | ||
| I got a couple things this weekend. | ||
| A couple spots. | ||
| Nothing too fucking serious. | ||
| Next week I go to Philadelphia. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I go to fucking Helium. | ||
| Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, ready to rock. | ||
| Okay, like we were talking about, like, great clubs? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It doesn't get any better than that. | ||
| Doesn't get any better than that club. | ||
| And Helium opened one in Buffalo. | ||
| I had to change that date, and I'm doing Portland in September also, so I'm pretty excited. | ||
| Oh, you're doing helium in Portland as well? | ||
| Oh, sweet baby, Jesus. | ||
| I'm pretty excited for Philly, though. | ||
| Heliums are the bomb, dude. | ||
| What am I, 12? | ||
| The bomb, bro. | ||
| And they're going to open another one, I think, in St. Louis. | ||
| I put it on Safari immediately, it lags out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what's going on. | ||
| You stream. | ||
| How old's Paris Jackson? | ||
| He looked like he's like 17 or something like that. | ||
| I mean the girl. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I think she's like, she's in her teens, I think. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Is she 18 yet? | ||
| I feel bad about her. | ||
| I feel bad about all of them, man. | ||
| I mean, what a strange way to live your life. | ||
| Yeah, but she's cute. | ||
| To grow up that famous. | ||
| You know, what are you doing over there, Joey? | ||
| Are you reading your phone? | ||
| No, no, I'm sending back an email or something. | ||
| Send him back an email. | ||
| This is bad shit here, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| What? | ||
| Nothing, nothing. | ||
| I'm looking at this little... | ||
| You just lost us. | ||
| You left us and you started emailing people. | ||
| That's not how Joey Diaz is. | ||
| He ate a candy. | ||
| I don't know if anybody noticed this. | ||
| You heard some chewing while the show was going on? | ||
| That was a half a piece. | ||
| About an hour ago, he ate a candy and it's clearly kicked in. | ||
| No, it hasn't kicked in. | ||
| You have disassociated from this conversation. | ||
| This motherfucker won't kick until later on, you know what I mean. | ||
| So, um, this weekend is Philly? | ||
| Next weekend is Philly. | ||
| Next weekend is Philly. | ||
| Who are you working with? | ||
| Solo. | ||
| And then the weekend after that, I'm with my man Dom Herrera up at the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| You guys are co-headlining the weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, co-headlining. | |
| That's the weirdest fucking thing in the world. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's the weirdest thing. | |
| That's what a great fucking show. | ||
| I hope I go to Lafayette Tuesday, do the podcast with him. | ||
| It's always good to see Dom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dom's good, man. | |
| Learn how to be a fucking comic again. | ||
| You know, you work with Dom, you're like, that motherfucker does it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a real monologist. | ||
| That's a different type of savage there. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| All the time I've known Dom Herrera, he's never faltered. | ||
| He's always loved being a comic. | ||
| Someone was talking about it, I think it was Bill Burr, saying he really loves the fact that Dom has been in it. | ||
| He was like a veteran when we all started, and yet he still has a lot of love for it. | ||
| Some guys, they fade off. | ||
| They get older, and they're just not funny anymore. | ||
| Dom hasn't lost a step. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| No, he hasn't. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious, man. | ||
| I watched him do stand-up before he does the talk portion of it. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| His stand-up is still... | ||
| I wonder if he's on tonight. | ||
| I was down there last night. | ||
| I did a spot down there last night. | ||
| And then on the way up, I had to follow Paul Rodriguez at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| The Laugh, there was 30 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But it was okay. | ||
| I did great. | ||
| Why was there only 30 people? | ||
| Monday night. | ||
| And then fucking I went up to the Ha Ha and I seen Damon for a little while in front of 12 people. | ||
| I watched Damon Wayans. | ||
| He's making a comeback. | ||
| He's gonna go on tour. | ||
| 12 people? | ||
| 12 people. | ||
| He always liked doing that though. | ||
| He loved it. | ||
| Damon is so old school. | ||
| He'd show up at 1230 at night with Keenan or somebody. | ||
| You know what I love about Damon? | ||
| I used to love watching Damon work shit out. | ||
| Because he'll, like, really work something out. | ||
| Like, he'll have an idea on stage that's just, like, a couple of words or a couple of, not a couple of words, but a couple of concepts, you know, and he'll, like, take them and just run with them. | ||
| And because he's got to make all these people laugh, like, the pressure of that will lead him, because he's a great writer, leads him to the best lines. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I used to watch him work shit out on stage. | ||
| Like, he would write right, but he would also work shit out on stage. | ||
| Whereas, like, Mooney did a lot of writing. | ||
| Like, Mooney would come in there and, like, something would happen. | ||
| Like, you remember when that airplane crashed in Florida and crashed in the swamp? | ||
| And Mooney did a bit about old black ladies still clutching their purse. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| They'd pull them out of the crocodile and they're still clutching their purse. | ||
| Like, he had that, like, written... | ||
| Like, within a couple of days of the plane crash. | ||
| And it was a written bit, you know? | ||
| So he would, like, capitalize. | ||
| He would always have a lot of new shit, but it would be, like, a written bit. | ||
| Whereas you could see Damon was, like, working it out while he was up there. | ||
| He would have an idea, and he would just flush it out while he was up there. | ||
| And so when it would hit him, like, the punchline would hit him, he would start cracking up. | ||
| Not like that fake cracking up shit that bad comedians do. | ||
| It's gross, right? | ||
| When you see people fake laughing... | ||
| You know, bitch, you laugh the exact same way every night when you tell that joke. | ||
| That's a fake laugh. | ||
| That's a fake laugh. | ||
| You know that fake laugh? | ||
| Ugh, it's gross. | ||
| But Damon would like, every now and then he'd like really make himself laugh. | ||
| You know, I've watched him do those late night sets at the store a bunch of times. | ||
| You know, it's funny, the other morning I was watching TV, I got up and Bruce Lee's Change the World was on, and Eddie Griffin came on. | ||
| I gotta tell you, a big smile came on my face. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Before I walked in here, Brian and I were talking about the comedy stories, telling me how the crew that hangs out there, and how it's changed, and blah blah blah, and blah blah blah. | ||
| You know, he's enthusiastic about it. | ||
| What Brian doesn't understand is I already went to fucking college there. | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| We did our fucking time. | ||
| It's not even about you or Carlo's name. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| For me, I did my fucking time. | ||
| I did my eight years of spots and Sundays and following dice when you got... | ||
| You know what it's like to have two other sets and you go to do your set and fucking dice is going up? | ||
| As you pull up, you're like, oh, this is going to be great and awesome. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Dice is going up. | ||
| Like, when I was talking to you, I could still see us sitting by the back, and Mooney, how he would walk up to the check-up box. | ||
| I'm here, give him the light. | ||
| You know, and just all those little things. | ||
| That was my college. | ||
| That was my college, bro. | ||
| You don't go back to high school. | ||
| You don't go back to college. | ||
| You feel like a fucking moron. | ||
| And that's what it was. | ||
| The comedy store for me was law school. | ||
| It was six fucking years of hard fucking work, of snorting blow, of fucking eating pills, eating pussy, avoiding women. | ||
| You know, lying to bitches. | ||
| You know, trying to get a manager. | ||
| Trying to go up there and fucking get a couple drinks and a rock of Coke. | ||
| It was an adventure. | ||
| You know, he was saying that Robert Epivar were in there. | ||
| I remember the night I was so coked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he still there? | |
| He's still there. | ||
| Last night was amazing. | ||
| I remember the night we were going to light him on fire. | ||
| They had him locked in the bathroom. | ||
| People were throwing paper towels and they were on fire. | ||
| You know, I mean, this is... | ||
| That's fucked up, man. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's just... | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I still remember Corey Cuomo calling me and going, did you threaten him? | ||
| I'm going, Corey, I'm in Miami. | ||
| I've been here for three weeks. | ||
| That's how fucking crazy he is, okay? | ||
| That's how fucking crazy Robert Epivar is. | ||
| Like, I avoided him after that, where he accused me of doing something, and I was out of town. | ||
| The best is him and Don Barris. | ||
| They still feud? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's been going on for decades. | ||
| And the Chinese guy, don't you do this to Robert Epivar? | ||
| No, no, he does that to indicate Nazis. | ||
| Nazis, right. | ||
| That's a finger, the Hitler mustache finger. | ||
| Don was on stage last night, and he just runs in. | ||
| In the room, there was maybe 30, 40 people in the room, and just goes, Nazi! | ||
| He's a Nazi on stage! | ||
| And so all the managers have to get Robert out of there using lasers and paper towels. | ||
| Right, but Robert is still an institution. | ||
| In the institution? | ||
| He's an institution. | ||
| He's a part of the store. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| And he still goes up every night. | ||
| I say hi to him every night. | ||
| I'm nice to him. | ||
| I never do anything. | ||
| I'm always the nice guy. | ||
| But all the other guys always throw menus at him. | ||
| Me and him have always been cool. | ||
| I've always been really nice to that guy. | ||
| I never had a beef with him until he accused me of threatening him when I was out of town. | ||
| I didn't understand that. | ||
| I was sitting on the stairs. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| I was sitting on the stairs the night they were throwing paper towels and lighting them on fire. | ||
| And he's in there like, oh, what's the smell? | ||
| It's fucking fire! | ||
| Run out of there, you fuck! | ||
| Well, it was really dangerous with him because you remember, especially in the winter, he would insulate himself with plastic bags. | ||
| Yeah, he still does that, I think. | ||
| He had these plastic bags that were stuffed inside of his clothes to keep them warm because he would walk home. | ||
| And he would be in downtown. | ||
| So he'd walk to downtown. | ||
| Like, when he would leave the comedy store, he would walk like five miles. | ||
| That was no joke. | ||
| Like, he did that all the time. | ||
| He still does that, and he goes to the grocery store after every show every night. | ||
| He gets the exact same thing, like a banana and a sandwich, and Don Barris does the exact same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He follows him and just videotapes him. | |
| That's so fucked up, man. | ||
| That's one of those things that the store had, was those long-running gags. | ||
| Do you remember when Brian Callen still does it with Don Barris? | ||
| Every time Brian Callen and Don Barris sees each other, Brian pretends that Don Barris is forcing him to suck his cock. | ||
| And so he fights it off for a while, and they put on a show. | ||
| And then finally, Brian Callen will put his lips right on Barris' cock. | ||
| And Barrows would be humping his face. | ||
| It's so fucking... | ||
| And they'd go for it. | ||
| It's so uncomfortable to watch. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| This is Robert from two nights ago. | ||
| There's a girl on stage with no clothes on. | ||
| Yeah, she never wears underwear. | ||
| She always brags about fucking Ron Jeremy. | ||
| Hey, should you tell us on stage? | ||
| Yeah, it's totally fine. | ||
| But she's been just going on stage and showing her vagina to him and stuff like that. | ||
| She shows it to Robert? | ||
| Yeah, and it's getting him real nervous. | ||
| By the way, how durable is that jacket and pants? | ||
| That jacket and pants is 100 years old. | ||
| This motherfucker's been wearing that same jacket and pants every day for a long time. | ||
| Those are some strong threads. | ||
| I think you might have a few of them, though. | ||
| So this girl, she goes on stage all the time? | ||
| Yeah, all the girls, this is from last night. | ||
| There's Mary Jane and Eleanor and stuff like that. | ||
| Eleanor's there? | ||
| Oh yeah, she's there every night. | ||
| Is she really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's cool because all these girls are on the Ding Dong show and stuff like that. | ||
| It's a fun time. | ||
| Eleanor is very funny, man. | ||
| She's a very funny stand-up now. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| We always kind of knew she was a funny person when she was working at the store. | ||
| Are these all stand-ups, these girls? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a schizophrenic surfer. | ||
| He's schizophrenic. | ||
| I used to do open mics with him in Ha Ha Cafe. | ||
| Why are you talking about the boy when I'm asking about the girls? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| There's all these girls in their underwear, and he's like, yeah, that guy surfs. | ||
| Yeah, there's Mary Jane, there's Dawn's girlfriend. | ||
| So these girls are all stand-up comedians? | ||
| So is there like a community down there of girl stand-ups? | ||
| Oh yeah, and what's cool is that me and Tony Hinchcliffe's podcast have two girl stand-ups that started on the show, and they've never done stand-up comedy before, and every week we give them one minute. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, stand-up comedy, it needs more chicks. | ||
| There's not enough funny chicks in this world. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When things are going bad like they are now, that's when more funny ones will arise. | ||
| There's more funny crazy bitches that are working some office shop somewhere. | ||
| Jerry Lewis sizzled those bitches, didn't he? | ||
| Jerry Lewis did? | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Again, he went off a month ago. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He doesn't think women are funny, right? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I can't stand them talking to me. | ||
| I don't think they're funny. | ||
| I laugh. | ||
| There's plenty of funny women. | ||
| That's a silly thing to say. | ||
| There's funny people. | ||
| If someone's funny, they're funny. | ||
| The idea that you would say that they're not funny because they're a chick, tell me Morgan Murphy's not funny? | ||
| That bitch is hilarious. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| Sarah Silverman's not funny? | ||
| Sarah Silverman is fucking hilarious. | ||
| This girl right here, this is Katie Menzel, the girl whose mom was married to Hugh Hefner, right here. | ||
| This girl right here, though, her name is Jessica Shores, and she has a music video that she just put out a month ago that already has 1.2 million hits. | ||
| Just her dancing around with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, if you look at it though, you'll laugh your ass off. | |
| Why would I laugh my ass off? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| No, I won't laugh my ass off. | ||
| I can't believe you're still talking about it. | ||
| You would in a laugh about it way. | ||
| Nah, no thanks. | ||
| Been there. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| Stop trying to make me sad. | ||
| You never get a hankling to go back there when you drive by? | ||
| You ever wish you could just pull in and do a set? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| No? | ||
| You still, uh, you doing the improv? | ||
| Have you been there lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just got a text from Rita. | ||
| I gotta text her back. | ||
| The improv is, uh, that bar freaks me out. | ||
| Oh, the Persian bar in Glendale? | ||
| The new bar? | ||
| I'm like, what is this recessed lighting with the fucking lamps built into the wall and shit? | ||
| I'm like, what are you guys doing? | ||
| I'm so glad you said that. | ||
| I was like, you need a corner that you can suck a pussy in. | ||
| There's no hidden corners here. | ||
| It doesn't feel like a comedy club at all with white booths. | ||
| Like, where are we? | ||
| Are we in Miami in 1998? | ||
| It feels like a hotel room or a hotel bar. | ||
| Yeah, it feels like a road gig. | ||
| It feels like a gig you would do if you were in western Massachusetts where they had the bar. | ||
| The club still is great once you get inside. | ||
| The actual setup is pretty fucking perfect. | ||
| And the way they have it now with the bar over there, it does have less noise. | ||
| Because people have to leave and go down that hall and then take a right and then take a left. | ||
| So it's probably quieter for them that way. | ||
| It just seems weird. | ||
| I guess that annex though wasn't making any money. | ||
| Oh, so they got rid of the annex? | ||
| The annex doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| That's where the bar is now. | ||
| They're also renting out the front part of it to a hamburger place. | ||
| What kind of hamburger is it going to be? | ||
| The Unami Burger? | ||
| I've had those before. | ||
| The weirdest thing is that the murals, if you've ever been to the Hollywood Improv, they used to have these big drawings or paintings. | ||
| They painted over them. | ||
| Yeah, and there's this new mural. | ||
| There's a new one? | ||
| Yeah, and it's huge. | ||
| And it's just a bunch of comics. | ||
| And you sit there and you're trying to figure out who's who. | ||
| Everyone does not look like who they are. | ||
| It looks really like who. | ||
| Do you have a picture of it? | ||
| The only picture I have is there's only one microphone on this mural. | ||
| And there's only one person standing in front of the microphone. | ||
| And this is like a simulation theory. | ||
| But that one thing is a fucking dolphin for some reason. | ||
| For no reason at all. | ||
| A dolphin in front of the microphone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you can kind of see a couple of the comics here. | ||
| I can't tell. | ||
| I know who that is. | ||
| It's by the puppets. | ||
| That's the only photo of it? | ||
| That's the only photo I have. | ||
| I can see if I can find it. | ||
| So that's like only a partial of the mural. | ||
| But why a dolphin? | ||
| Yeah, part of it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Dolphin with sunglasses, too. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| There's no rhyme or reason. | ||
| There's no logic to why they would take down those other paintings. | ||
| Those paintings were old as fuck. | ||
| It was like a part of history. | ||
| I think here's a news story about it. | ||
| The new mural. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| There's a story in the news? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, look at that mural. | |
| There's the dolphin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at it, you can't... | |
| Robin Williams. | ||
| You'll sit here and look at it, and you can't even figure out half of it. | ||
| It's just a terrible piece of artwork. | ||
| I don't want to say it's terrible. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Say it. | ||
| His style does not look like the people at all. | ||
| If you look at Jeff Ross, it looks like Jeff Ross with special needs or something. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| They have the unknown comic with the paper bag over his head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| So now the entrance that's over here, where the... | ||
| What the fuck kind of mural is that? | ||
| Yeah, and there's so many... | ||
| Like, there was somebody there that... | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| George Carlin's pretty obvious. | ||
| Yeah, well, some of the people look really obvious. | ||
| Jay Leno's pretty obvious. | ||
| But let's see if I can get it. | ||
| I don't want to make fun of it, but it's... | ||
| Just shut it off. | ||
| Let's be nice. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| That's what the comics are saying. | ||
| It's kind of weird going over there now because people are like, what's up with this bar? | ||
| And it was this crazy mural. | ||
| Somebody fucked up. | ||
| Somebody got crazy and they forgot that things are nice when they stay the same. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They forgot. | ||
| At the end of the day, who gives a fuck about a fucking mural? | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dog. | ||
| I come all over here to talk about a fucking mural. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Joe Diaz. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Who gives a fuck about some fucking ugly-ass mural? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dog. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Like a motherfucker. | ||
| What movies you see lately? | ||
| Anything good? | ||
| I saw Despicables, Despicable Me too. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| Those movies always, they're better than real fucking movies. | ||
| All those kid movies. | ||
| It's a good fucking movie. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| I watch cartoons now. | ||
| Fuck television. | ||
| Fuck all that family guy. | ||
| I'm watching Spongebob. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| Motherfucker lives in a pineapple. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Under the sea. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Was it good because of the 3D, or did you like the first one? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| The first one's not bad either. | ||
| They're good movies. | ||
| I love all that shit. | ||
| It's like, I mean, obviously I went for my kids, but it's a legitimately good movie. | ||
| But that's where they put their fucking screen. | ||
| That's where they put their creativity in, their kid shit. | ||
| And the adult shit, you sit there, my friend said he went to see The End of the World last night, and this guy's a white dude that's very geeky, and he went to see the Kevin Hart thing, he said The End of the World he had to walk out of. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The Kevin Hart thing was okay. | ||
| It was just too big to do stand-up at the garden, he felt like. | ||
| It was just too big to tape there. | ||
| He goes, at the end, he watched the credits, and he goes, there was 30 fucking cameramen. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It was a dirty camera, man. | ||
| So it just didn't feel intimate enough? | ||
| It didn't feel intimate enough. | ||
| When you're doing those fucking places, you don't feel intimate enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a certain level, like 1800 or something, after that, it's all downhill after that. | ||
| For a guy that rants, it's downhill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For a guy who's very slow, like when we've seen a guy in Jersey, a slow pace, that's great. | ||
| But a guy who steps on his own lines... | ||
| I just don't like it. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| That is the issue. | ||
| When people are laughing, you can't hear what they're saying. | ||
| I don't like $1,800 or above. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's nice money. | ||
| Yeah, we have a good time, but I don't feel good when I walk off the set. | ||
| I don't feel like I did nothing. | ||
| I'm just struggling to talk slow. | ||
| My patois is off. | ||
| My timing is off. | ||
| That's why I don't know where I want to shoot a special. | ||
| I like to shoot it at somewhere where it's fucking small. | ||
| I don't want to do theaters. | ||
| I don't want people to come see me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Atlanta punchline. | ||
| I honestly, Atlanta punchline is a great idea. | ||
| That's one of my faves. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| I honestly think 300 is the threshold for things getting different. | ||
| 270. Yeah. | ||
| 270. 270 is nice. | ||
| 350 gets a little kinky. | ||
| Gets a little kinky, right? | ||
| Even Cobbs is tremendous. | ||
| It's big though. | ||
| But it's too big. | ||
| Cobbs is tremendous. | ||
| And then when you have the little thing on top, that's a little fucked up too. | ||
| Yeah, it's on top and in the back too. | ||
| It goes way back and above. | ||
| You don't feel much of a connection with those people. | ||
| It's the perfect place. | ||
| American Comedy Co. | ||
| That's not bad either. | ||
| But there's a lot of pillars in that spot. | ||
| But I don't want to shoot in California. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| We do shit here. | ||
| We want to go somewhere to fucking light up a stage like Grand Funk Railroad. | ||
| We're an American band. | ||
| We're coming to your town. | ||
| We'll help you party down. | ||
| We're an American fucking band. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| That's a jam, dog. | ||
| Listen to that. | ||
| We'll help you party down. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll bring Chibos, reefer, papers. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| So I want to go somewhere. | ||
| When you do a set in LA, it's fun. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| But they can see us anytime. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| If I was Louis C.K., yeah, I'd do the Orpheum and jump up and down. | ||
| If I was fucking, you know, a Kevin Hart, I'd do fucking whatever, stand-up live downtown, whatever that's... | ||
| But I'm not. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm never gonna... | ||
| I don't want to do that kind of stand-up. | ||
| I'd rather keep it smaller. | ||
| That's why I do good. | ||
| When I got a rant and shit in a big theater, I lose it. | ||
| Well, it's also a matter of how much money do you really need? | ||
| Because if you start getting into the 8,000 and 10,000 seats... | ||
| It's one thing if you're doing it because the demand is really high and you don't want anybody to not be able to go because, you know, the shows will be all sold out. | ||
| But you can make a lot of money just doing clubs. | ||
| I mean, how much money does a comic need to exist in this life? | ||
| You know, if you're living like a normal person, you can do clubs. | ||
| You can make plenty of money, you know? | ||
| But the show will be more like you. | ||
| I can go see you in a hundred seats and you could be screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs and rant. | ||
| I'll know every word that comes out of your mouth. | ||
| There'll be no questions. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| I couldn't hear. | ||
| There'll be none of that. | ||
| But when you get into those 2,000 and 3,000 seat places, there are moments, and I noticed that when we watched that guy in Jersey, there was a few moments where I didn't know what he had said. | ||
| Because he was ranting as they were laughing, and I was like, oh, this is interesting. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| It gets really confusing. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, theater dynamics were great for a 2,400 seat theater. | ||
| The dynamics of Chicago were tremendous. | ||
| I ranted there, and it came up perfectly. | ||
| But that's a very few and far between. | ||
| That place is magical. | ||
| Magical. | ||
| I would also consider shooting a special if it wasn't so big in the place we did in Pittsburgh. | ||
| That was a great place too. | ||
| That was the Carnegie Library Hall. | ||
| Oh my god, that was the ceiling. | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
| It used to be an old library. | ||
| Yeah, it was an old library. | ||
| There's so many places. | ||
| If I could find a good old fucking joint like 400, 600 seats in Houston. | ||
| You should just do it at Helium, man. | ||
| I want to do a brick. | ||
| Do it at either Helium. | ||
| Portland? | ||
| Do it in Portland. | ||
| They'll go fucking crazy. | ||
| I want to do a brick fucking wall. | ||
| I want a brick wall. | ||
| Right, only a brick wall. | ||
| Brick wall. | ||
| What does Portland have? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We can put this up. | ||
| Not Giggles. | ||
| I'm saying Giggles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giggles. | |
| Helium. | ||
| Giggles is the comedy club that I used to do. | ||
| In Boston. | ||
| In Boston, yeah. | ||
| And Giggles was also in Seattle, a place that was run by the Vietnam vet that I would take a draw from him on Thursday, and by Saturday he'd forget. | ||
| He was in Vietnam. | ||
| Then I'd call him Monday and ask him, who was there next week? | ||
| And he'd go, when was the last time you worked a club? | ||
| Oh, that was hilarious. | ||
| Three years ago. | ||
| I'll see you Friday. | ||
| He forgot that bad? | ||
| He forgot everything. | ||
| Once I learned, I would get the waitresses on the side, and I'd go, come here, find out who's the feature act next week. | ||
| I'd call him Monday, 9-0-1. | ||
| Hey, what's up, buddy? | ||
| Joe Diaz, who's featuring this week? | ||
| When was the last time you were at my club? | ||
| Ooh, a year ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you had to be fucking spotless clean. | |
| But he wouldn't show up to see the headliner. | ||
| And there was a curtain on the stage, and you could see this jaguar pull up. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So as soon as the Jaguar pulled up, I did my clean stuff. | ||
| As soon as he went in, he'd only come in for one minute. | ||
| And I'd just bomb for two minutes. | ||
| He'd only come in, look at the back, and then he'd go in. | ||
| One night, this is hysterical. | ||
| This is how much, this is how who boxed this guy was. | ||
| I forget that guy's name. | ||
| He's a track coach in Seattle. | ||
| Very good guy. | ||
| Was on HBO. He's just a college track coach. | ||
| He doesn't travel as much. | ||
| He was headlining. | ||
| He's a great comic and a great monologist. | ||
| He's completely clean. | ||
| This motherfucker gets off stage and the owner of the club goes up and he goes, let me tell you something. | ||
| I went in there three minutes ago and you were being dirty. | ||
| Don't ever do that in my club. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Me? | ||
| And finally comes up to me and goes, I was just about to rat you out, but I remember he's a Vietnam vet and he got hit with a missile or something. | ||
| That's his right. | ||
| And then he sold it. | ||
| He sold the club to a Mormon. | ||
| A Mormon, that's right. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| We talked about the Mormon on an interview and the Mormon got mad at us and then he offered me a week up there. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Now it's done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| Yeah, he got mad because he had sent somebody home or said someone couldn't work there or something. | ||
| James Zimmon or Stan Holt. | ||
| Stan Holt. | ||
| One of those guys. | ||
| Someone had problems with him. | ||
| And so I just wanted to put the word out. | ||
| So I can't work. | ||
| Wise guys in Mormonville. | ||
| He was in Wise Guys in Salt Lake. | ||
| He left and he bought giggles. | ||
| Ah, so I never did that club. | ||
| I think I'd heard about it, but I was like, you have to be clean. | ||
| But then he let Bobby Slayton work there. | ||
| That was what he did. | ||
| He called up and he goes, no, no, no, I don't allow clean. | ||
| But Bobby Slayton worked there, and he was saying something like, this is not my cup of tea. | ||
| He said it when he was bringing up the show or something like that. | ||
| This is not my type of show. | ||
| I just want to say that. | ||
| He, like, introduced the show that way, and someone was offended. | ||
| It was either Schimmel or it was Bobby Slayton. | ||
| One of those guys. | ||
| Fucking games. | ||
| I don't remember it, though. | ||
| Thursday night was... | ||
| The capital of Washington. | ||
| That was a Seattle gig? | ||
| And Friday and Saturday were giggles in the U District. | ||
| Do you know what's fucking fantastic? | ||
| Parlor Live in Bellevue. | ||
| Have you done that place yet? | ||
| Bro, listen. | ||
| Ivan Salivari called me today. | ||
| Number one, you gotta call Ivan. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because when you go to the UFC, this guy up there made you a tank. | ||
| For you to go under with a bong under the fucking water. | ||
| Like the guy made you with a fucking video projector that you see shit, something. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| Number two, Ivan called me today to tell me that he's got a cop buddy and the cop buddy looked into my warrant. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| Like, they're fucking crazy. | ||
| They're trying to get the warrant resolved? | ||
| It's a non-extradition warrant. | ||
| They won't hunt me down anywhere. | ||
| But if I get caught in Seattle, they're gonna arrest me. | ||
| And they're gonna keep me in there because it's an expired warrant. | ||
| He was telling me, Ivan, the whole story tonight. | ||
| I go, Ivan, do me a favor. | ||
| Get me a fucking attorney. | ||
| And let's just do this. | ||
| Pick me an attorney. | ||
| Because I don't know no Seattle attorneys. | ||
| Get a fucking attorney. | ||
| I'll send them a retainer. | ||
| Let's get this warrant over with. | ||
| I'm not going to turn myself in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So what do they say? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's going to call me back tomorrow. | ||
| I'm going to write a check and send it. | ||
| You know how many letters I get? | ||
| Like, please get Uncle Joey to come with you to Seattle. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I got to go up there. | ||
| So I'm going to fucking do this and get this over with. | ||
| I'm going to send Ivan, the attorney, the money. | ||
| I think the guy's name is Savage. | ||
| The lawyer's name is Savage? | ||
| Yeah, something Savage. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| And we're gonna fucking go up there and get it out, and then I can probably go up there with you next month. | ||
| I'm there July 26th with Tom Segura. | ||
| Where am I in jail? | ||
| No, that's two weeks. | ||
| Yeah, it's two weeks. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| And you're gonna get to see Jill Himitsu in Seattle and shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| My girl. | ||
| Jill's awesome. | ||
| She is awesome, isn't she? | ||
| She's a darling. | ||
| Darling. | ||
| The Moore Theater. | ||
| That's what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm going to do it with me and Segura. | ||
| Seattle's a fucking badass town. | ||
| We had a good time up there when I was looking for Bigfoot, too. | ||
| That's a good little time. | ||
| We were up there squatching. | ||
| That's a place I disrespected, but not really. | ||
| Why'd you disrespect it? | ||
| I lived up there with that fucking filthy animal. | ||
| I was finding aluminum falls in her ass. | ||
| I ended up choking her out. | ||
| She stabbed me. | ||
| You know how it looks. | ||
| Have you disrespected Seattle because of that? | ||
| You know, and that's why, like, bro, right now, I love to get out of here, and I love, you know, bro, there's only one place for me to go, and that's Colorado. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But I felt like I disrespected, like, I would have to walk around Colorado with my head down. | ||
| You disrespected Colorado? | ||
| You know when you were a kid? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I fucked up there, dog. | ||
| So what? | ||
| So what, man? | ||
| That's a long time ago, man. | ||
| You're a different human now. | ||
| There's a thing in Colorado. | ||
| It's Lord's country. | ||
| That's a God's country, bro. | ||
| When you're driving in Colorado and you're breathing that air, you're in fucking God's living room. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck to describe it. | ||
| To me, one of the things about Boulder is just that you're at the base of those mountains. | ||
| You leave Boulder, you drive 10 minutes, welcome to the woods. | ||
| Like, literally. | ||
| You are 10 minutes out of Boulder, you are in the woods. | ||
| And the beauty of that place is so stunning that it affects people. | ||
| It affects people. | ||
| It's like living around the most insane artwork all the time. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why the people are so healthy there. | ||
| I think the view, like, it's not just that the air is clean, which it is, but it's also, like, the view of those mountains, like, enriches you. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| I think there's something to places like that, especially because it's a college town, so there's, like, intelligent people there, intelligent, cool people at the base of a mountain, this insane view. | ||
| Listen, dawg, let's buy some land and let's do this. | ||
| Let's start a farm. | ||
| Start a fucking colony up there. | ||
| I want my daughter to be raised there. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| You want to go? | ||
| I want to go? | ||
| Callan wants to go? | ||
| Brian will force him to go? | ||
| That's pussy shit. | ||
| Snow ain't gonna do nothing for you. | ||
| Brian will import chicks. | ||
| Hurricanes and fucking McCain, all that shit kills you. | ||
| Brian will box them up in birdcages from the mansion, ship them off Southwest. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| That's how I redeem myself, by shooting my special in Denver. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Listen, we could go back-to-back. | ||
| Go to prison, go say hello to those motherfuckers. | ||
| No. | ||
| Back-to-back specials. | ||
| You do one week, I do another the next week. | ||
| We'll do two weeks in Denver. | ||
| We could even film a documentary. | ||
| Two weeks in Denver. | ||
| I'll open for you when you do your special. | ||
| You open for me when I do mine. | ||
| I can't figure a way for you to bring me up on stage somewhere. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| I'll be happy to do it. | ||
| Even if I just come in just to bring you up, I'd be happy to do it. | ||
| Now, let me ask you this. | ||
| What's the next legit UFC? You brought me up every special I ever did except the I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday. | ||
| That was McGuire. | ||
| That was Houston. | ||
| That was Houston. | ||
| Every single thing I've done since then, you brought me up. | ||
| Now, what's the next big UFC fight, though? | ||
| It's Brazil. | ||
| Brazil? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Well, no, there's Seattle. | ||
| Demetrius Johnson, John Moraga. | ||
| That's on Fox. | ||
| You need to come back to Japan. | ||
| That's coming up soon. | ||
| Yeah, the UFC's been going to Japan, dude, but they do the FX or Fuel shows there, and I haven't been doing those. | ||
| But I'm doing the first Fox Sports 1. That's a Boston card. | ||
| I'm going to do that. | ||
| I'm going to be at the show, but I'm not going to be at the fight. | ||
| I'm going to be at the show, though. | ||
| Yeah, with two shows. | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Son. | ||
| Socket. | ||
| You got to get to Alaska, Joe Diaz. | ||
| The next day, I'm going to Sandhose. | ||
| You got to listen to me. | ||
| This summer, before the time is up, before it gets cold there, go. | ||
| Go to Anchor, Alaska. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where'd you go? | |
| You did comedy in Anchorage? | ||
| Yeah, I did some fucking Beartooth Lodge or something like that. | ||
| What was the name of the place I did? | ||
| I think it was Beartooth Theater. | ||
| It's a theater. | ||
| They show movies there and they have a comedy show. | ||
| It was fucking fantastic. | ||
| What's the name of the city? | ||
| You went to Anchorage. | ||
| You didn't go to Choco Charlie's? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went to this Beartooth Theater, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| They have their own beer there. | ||
| They grow their own weed. | ||
| It's not powder. | ||
| It's like they brew their own beer. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Let me make sure I'm saying the name right. | ||
| Beartooth Lodge. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was amazing, man. | ||
| It's one of those places where, as you're up there, you would think before you went there, you'd be like, who the fuck would live in Alaska? | ||
| Like, my friend Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Cues, he used to live in Alaska. | ||
| He's a cue maker, badass cue maker. | ||
| Makes pool cues, like the best pool cues. | ||
| And he was... | ||
| At one point in time, he did like... | ||
| He was working, I think he lived at a base there when he was in the military, or he lived there when he was in the military, and he always talks about going back there. | ||
| And I go, why the fuck would you go to Alaska, man? | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| I was thinking about how cold it is and all the stories that I've heard. | ||
| But then you get there and you're like... | ||
| I see it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Same thing happened to me. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| We go outside at 2 o'clock in the morning, it's blight out. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| 2.30 in the morning. | ||
| We did our show. | ||
| We took pictures after the show. | ||
| We hung out. | ||
| I would just want to go party all night. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure people do. | ||
| And by the way, that myth of no pretty girls there? | ||
| Myth. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| The myth of 10 to 1 men? | ||
| Myth. | ||
| It's more than half of the population of Anchorage's girls. | ||
| And there's a lot of hot ones. | ||
| And they're like rugged hot. | ||
| What's the strip club in Anchorage? | ||
| They don't bruise up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We didn't go to any strip club. | ||
| Did you hear about it? | ||
| No. | ||
| What we did basically was we fished all day. | ||
| We rented an outfitter and went for 10 hours at a stretch. | ||
| So we did two long days. | ||
| The first day we did 10 hours. | ||
| The second day we actually called it quits like a little early so that we could get ready for the show because we were exhausted. | ||
| No, I'm not saying you went to strip clubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We didn't do anything. | |
| People were saying you got to go to a strip club. | ||
| Anywhere we go. | ||
| And their strip club there is huge because women come from all over. | ||
| That was the myth in the 90s and early 2000s that there's a ratio of 10 to 1 men. | ||
| So if women go up there, they have a season, a fishing season, they'd make fucking 20 fucking thousand a night shaking their ass. | ||
| Yeah, there's another season in late July when the silver salmon are running, like towards the end of the month. | ||
| Apparently that's another big time when people come up. | ||
| And then there's also people that come up for like the various hunting seasons. | ||
| Like moose season starts in September. | ||
| People come up for that. | ||
| But god damn that place is majestic. | ||
| It's majestic. | ||
| You see eagles. | ||
| You just see eagles everywhere. | ||
| We saw five moose. | ||
| We were there for two days. | ||
| We saw five moose. | ||
| And there's just something about the place. | ||
| It just makes you, it's just like humble. | ||
| You know, it makes you, it humbles you. | ||
| Because it's just, it's, when you're flying over, you look down, your jaw just drops. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking... | ||
| Because it goes on forever. | ||
| And then forever, you see nothing. | ||
| You just see mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees. | ||
| And then, okay, we're starting our descent into Anchorage. | ||
| And you slowly start scooting into Anchorage. | ||
| And by you get there, when you get there, you're like, these people are gangster as fuck. | ||
| Like, you think about how far they're living from the real world. | ||
| Like, they're up there on some weird little patch of land that they decide to clear out some trees and start some fires. | ||
| And there's fucking half a million of them up there. | ||
| There's like 300,000 people living in there. | ||
| And there's only like, I think the whole state only has like double that or something like that. | ||
| I think there's only like 600,000 people in the whole state. | ||
| But Anchorage has got like 300,000 people. | ||
| You could live there, man. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| That's four hours away before we even start the party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking... | ||
| You get to Seattle and two. | ||
| Fucking Alaska. | ||
| You can get to Seattle from Alaska, too. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| What am I going to eat salmon the rest of my fucking life? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I got to get to other places. | ||
| If you could live anywhere outside of L.A. Now, I know now that you have your little daughter, I'm sure you're probably thinking, I don't want her growing up in California. | ||
| That's one of the things that I thought of immediately when my first daughter was born. | ||
| San Diego is so beautiful. | ||
| It's too close to Mexico, son. | ||
| If you could go to another state, which one would it be? | ||
| Colorado. | ||
| It would be Colorado? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't figure it out. | ||
| What about Seattle? | ||
| Would you do that if you could get back? | ||
| Fuck no, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that shit. | |
| How come? | ||
| I'm fucking living in Seattle from September to fucking December. | ||
| Too crazy. | ||
| You go up there. | ||
| Too dark. | ||
| You go up there. | ||
| I love these people. | ||
| Seattle's cool. | ||
| Yeah, Seattle's cool. | ||
| Go up there in September and wait till you see two fucking weeks of nonstop fucking rain and the gutters and you can't go nowhere. | ||
| And all you want to do is wake up, look around. | ||
| You know, when you wake up here, you go to pee in the sun. | ||
| It creeps through your fucking windows. | ||
| What do you do when you wake up for two weeks and it's fucking gray? | ||
| And then it's gray in November, and it gets a little sunny for three days, then it's rainy again for three weeks. | ||
| Relax, people. | ||
| Relax, people. | ||
| You're in no danger. | ||
| Everybody wants to be a fucking authority. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're in no danger. | |
| We all go there for two days, and all of a sudden we got the place pegged down. | ||
| Lived there for six fucking months. | ||
| Seattle's great, and the people are great, and it's great to do comedy there. | ||
| It wasn't for fucking me. | ||
| That long stretch from September to December with rain? | ||
| Oh, be there. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| There's more to life than fucking waking up to fucking rain, my friend. | ||
| It's like living in Buffalo, New York. | ||
| What is that called? | ||
| The protractor? | ||
| Put the protractor to Buffalo and put the protractor to fucking Seattle. | ||
| It's in the same missile. | ||
| The same missile could take out Buffalo and then shoot and take out fucking Seattle. | ||
| They got the same suicide fucking rates. | ||
| You know, you go to fucking Buffalo, dog. | ||
| It's a tough live. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it, but it's a tough live. | ||
| I think it's hard to fuck around with California, Joe. | ||
| Everybody goes to Seattle in July and go, yeah, it's nice. | ||
| Seattle's gorgeous in the summer. | ||
| The only problem with California is there's too many people. | ||
| Yeah, but if you go to Santa Barbara, you don't think that. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| That might be the move. | ||
| Santa Barbara might be the move. | ||
| Someone needs to do a helium in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Do you know how badass that would be? | ||
| That theater that we did was perfect. | ||
| We don't need no heliums in Santa Barbara. | ||
| That theater we did for 600 seats in Santa Barbara was fucking gorgeous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When do you want to do it again? | ||
| Say the word. | ||
| December. | ||
| December? | ||
| The week before Christmas. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Because we still got to do... | ||
| We're doing Vegas. | ||
| We can't do 29th. | ||
| We'll do Vegas December 27th. | ||
| We can't, but we still got to do an End of the World somewhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we still got to do an End of the World. | ||
| They offered us the Wilbur Theater again. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| You want to do that? | ||
| Wilbur's in Boston? | ||
| No, here. | ||
| Wiltern, rather. | ||
| We're doing the Wilbur. | ||
| We have to do the Wiltern the day before Christmas. | ||
| That's the end of the world, the 23rd. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, because... | ||
| Nobody wants to go out on Christmas Eve. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Two days before Christmas. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Or December 20th. | ||
| People are shopping and shit. | ||
| December 20th. | ||
| But last time we did it, December 21st. | ||
| Right, so what's the difference? | ||
| December 21st. | ||
| You should do it Halloween. | ||
| Alright, what should we call it if we don't call it? | ||
| Is Stan Hope and Honey Honey again? | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Same show? | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| What should we call it? | ||
| It's not the end of the world, though. | ||
| The end of the world, part two. | ||
| The beginning of the new world? | ||
| Beginning of the new world. | ||
| Riders of the Purple Sage. | ||
| We should do it in Denver. | ||
| I'll do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If you want, we should do a Let's Move to Denver, bitch. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| Let's do a Let's Move to Denver, bitch show. | ||
| How about a Boulder show? | ||
| Do Let's Move to Boulder, bitch? | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I think I should do definitely a monthly show in Vegas. | ||
| Like, every month you guys should do it. | ||
| I don't know about that, man. | ||
| I enjoy going in every few months and rocking it. | ||
| I'll tell you, The Joint, that's my new favorite place. | ||
| The Joint at the Hard Rock. | ||
| First of all, everybody works there. | ||
| It was cool as fuck. | ||
| Cool as fuck. | ||
| It was dynamite. | ||
| It really was dynamite. | ||
| So dynamite. | ||
| Great vibe. | ||
| And that crowd could have been better, Joey Diaz. | ||
| They were amazing. | ||
| We had so much fun. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| And the people afterward, that was like... | ||
| They weren't stoners. | ||
| We just hung out at the bar. | ||
| We didn't go out to smoke one time. | ||
| I didn't go out to smoke at all. | ||
| I was fucking stoned on that edible. | ||
| I was just talking. | ||
| We ate the Goomies. | ||
| We ate the Goomies on the plane. | ||
| On the plane. | ||
| I was fucked up at 9.30. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By four, I was fucked up in that hotel room. | ||
| I had three Goomies before I went on stage. | ||
| Goomy Bears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ivan Saliver. | ||
| And I would love to go to Seattle on a regular basis. | ||
| I wish I could get you in. | ||
| And all that shit. | ||
| But I can't risk going to fucking jail for something that happened 18 fucking years ago that nobody, nothing bad happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| Yeah, that seems a bit silly. | ||
| I didn't go to fucking, I didn't go to anger management. | ||
| The judge threw me out of the fucking state for two years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's how it was? | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| You gotta go, dog. | ||
| What are you doing next weekend, Joe? | ||
| Are you out of town? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I got family shit going on. | ||
| I don't have a gig booked out of town, at least, until Seattle. | ||
| But I got some other shit cooking. | ||
| I'm trying to finish up this TV show, too. | ||
| It's more difficult than I thought it was going to be. | ||
| It's more difficult time-wise than I thought it was going to be, and it's more difficult as far as getting it right. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| We're putting together kind of a crazy show, but Ari's in it, and Duncan's in it, too. | ||
| And there's a lot of interviews that they're doing when I'm not there. | ||
| Like I said, Duncan to interview some scientists and Ari goes and interviews some other scientists and all these other crazy people involved in all these different disciplines. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| We're only hoping it comes out right. | ||
| It's a big experiment right now. | ||
| I can see Ari with a scientist. | ||
| So do you like gummy bears? | ||
| No, Ari's very intelligent, man. | ||
| He's very good at interviewing people and talking to people. | ||
| We had him talk to some... | ||
| Some crazy religious guy and we went to the Global Future 2045 conference in New York. | ||
| What a bunch of fucking intelligent super freaks that place was filled with. | ||
| It was so fascinating. | ||
| All these people with robots that looked just like them and there were people with bionic hands and like the cutting edge of life extension science. | ||
| We had Ari interviewing some religious guy. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| There was these religious guys and they were all like telling people that, you know, Not to concentrate on technology and not to be persuaded by technology, but the beauty of a rose cannot be defined by science. | ||
| Who should know why a seed becomes a flower, and that flower becomes a beautiful part of your life? | ||
| It was like this weird resistance, sort of. | ||
| It's weird trying to incorporate their religion into the idea of the future. | ||
| And you're like, listen, bitch, you're getting left behind. | ||
| You're getting left behind. | ||
| You're dressed like a wizard, and you're getting left behind. | ||
| No matter what you do, you've got crazy beads around your neck, and you think they're important, and you're fucked. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Because your style of living, you can't rock it. | ||
| You can't be reading 6,000-year-old books and saying they had it right. | ||
| They were on to it. | ||
| These global future 2045 people with microchips in their head, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Joey Diaz, I lost ya. | ||
| We gotta get out of here anyways. | ||
| We do. | ||
| Hey, can I pimp a show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Next weekend at Comic-Con 2013, we're having a midnight show there Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| It's with me, Sarah Tiana, Mike Black, Yoshi, Benji, and a couple of special guests that I can't say. | ||
| Excellent club, too. | ||
| It's a fun spot. | ||
| Yeah, AmericanComedyCo.com. | ||
| Good spot to go and get your free con. | ||
| When is the Comic Con? | ||
| Next weekend, Friday and Saturday, midnight shows. | ||
| So the 20th and 21st, okay. | ||
| Yeah, and if you want to see me and Segura, we're at the Moore Theater in Seattle on July 26th. | ||
| The Boston Wilbur Theater on August 18th with Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and me. | ||
| Suck upon it! | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| Both shows. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| July 18th. | ||
| And then Milwaukee, we're doing, what is that there? | ||
| We're doing the Paps or something in Milwaukee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Paps. | |
| Is that what we're doing? | ||
| Yeah, August 30th. | ||
| And that's you and me? | ||
| Great beer. | ||
| You and me. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And then fucking I'm doing Philadelphia the 18th to the 20th. | ||
| And then the following week I'm with my main man, Dom Herrera, Dead Squad. | ||
| Yeah, well, Brian and I actually talked about this yesterday. | ||
| We eventually got to put together a real serious Death Squad page with all the different guys where you could click on the link. | ||
| You'd have a picture of you next to a picture of Duncan next to a picture of everybody who's in there. | ||
| You could one-stop shop, go there, press a button, and you know how to... | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| She has a counter with all her shows on it right here. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Jill does this. | ||
| Powerful Jill. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you to everybody tuning into the podcast. | ||
| Thanks to Squarespace.com. | ||
| Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe to sign up and use the code word Joe and the number 7 to get your... | ||
| See, I made a website, Joey. | ||
| I'm doing a fucking commercial, dude. | ||
| To get 10% off your first purchase. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. | ||
| If you go to Stamps.com... | ||
| Use the code JRE to save yourself some cash. | ||
| And what was the other one? | ||
| LegalZoom. | ||
| LegalZoom. | ||
| Ah, yes. | ||
| LegalZoom. | ||
| LegalZoom, which is the latest of our podcast sponsors. | ||
| If you go to LegalZoom.com and use the code Rogan, you can save yourself some money. | ||
| LegalZoom is... | ||
| Not a... | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to read the exact thing you're supposed to read. | ||
| LegalZoom is not a law firm. | ||
| They provide self-help services at your specific direction. | ||
| And if you're really nice, they rub your balls while you masturbate. | ||
| No, I made that part up. | ||
| Listen, that's not true. | ||
| This is a comedy podcast. | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| Legal Zoom. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Get your freak on. | ||
| Onnit.com is our last sponsor. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Use the codename ROGEN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| We will most likely be here tomorrow. | ||
| I just have to figure out what time I can get off of work. | ||
| I'm trying real hard to get these podcasts out again. | ||
| Joe Diaz. | ||
| You can catch him in the church of what's happening now. | ||
| How many days a week are you doing that now? | ||
| Two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| Two! | ||
| Monday is 6 a.m. | ||
| Wednesday is in the afternoon. | ||
| I can't wake up early no more. | ||
| I got too much shit. | ||
| Monday, 6 a.m. | ||
| Do you understand that? | ||
| We're fucking around you, stream cocksucker. | ||
| He's not even playing games. | ||
| 6 a.m. | ||
| And he does it on the regular. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Thanks, everybody who came out to Vegas. | ||
| Thanks, everybody who comes out to all these shows. | ||
| You guys are the shit. | ||
| We love the fuck out of you. | ||
| And we'll see you soon. | ||
| Big kiss! |
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