April 12, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:05
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, you freak bitches. | ||
| We're back at it again. | ||
| Thank the baby Jesus. | ||
| Thank the baby Jesus. | ||
| Oh, look, my fucking volume's on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| We've only been doing this for three years. | ||
| Through a laptop, some low-tech shit. | ||
| It's not like I'm looking at a circuit board that I don't understand. | ||
| It's a simple, stupid fucking mute button, and I never push it. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, that's a professional me. | ||
| That's like as professional as I get. | ||
| Sort of kind of like the fake professional voice, but not really. | ||
| We're brought to you by Ting. | ||
| I had a dude on my message board, or he was on the Mixed Martial Arts message board, that said that he went from a 90-something dollar Verizon bill to an $18 Ting bill with the same use. | ||
| If that's true, if that guy's true, and I'm paraphrasing the numbers, I don't remember the exact numbers, I should probably look it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would say that he barely uses his phone if that's true. | |
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, you said it was the same use. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how much you would save. | ||
| But I know that I've gotten so much positive feedback about Ting. | ||
| And Joey's been a loyal Sprint customer forever. | ||
| Ting uses the Sprint backbone. | ||
| What Ting is, is it's a cell phone company. | ||
| What they do is essentially they buy cell phone time at a At Sprint. | ||
| And they sell it to you. | ||
| They sell it back to you. | ||
| But they do it with no contracts. | ||
| And they sell the coolest Android phones that they have. | ||
| Which, by the way, did you just see this new fucking thing that they're going to release? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Facebook phone? | |
| No. | ||
| Samsung's going to release something called the Galaxy Mega. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| It's six inches. | ||
| It's like, there's two versions of it. | ||
| There's a 5.8 inch and a 6.3 inch. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's not a phone. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| That's a half a Joey Diaz dick. | ||
|
unidentified
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That wouldn't even fit in your pocket, will it? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| That's a crazy thing. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| That's some crossover world thing. | ||
| You have to have a man purse to carry that around. | ||
| Or a woman. | ||
| A woman would be excellent. | ||
| If I was a girl and I had a bag, you know, girls are allowed to carry purses, which is so awesome. | ||
| You know, that is one thing they've got us whipped with. | ||
| Society, not women, but society's got us whipped with this stupid idea that somehow or another a man's not allowed to carry a purse. | ||
| You know, back in the Robin Hood days, those motherfuckers had shoulder bags, okay? | ||
| You're allowed to wear a backpack. | ||
| I wear a backpack like I'm a fucking school kid. | ||
| Nobody gives me a hard time with it, but if I wear a fanny pack, they will look at me like some goddamn freak in nature. | ||
| I'll tell you folks, we gotta take back the fanny pack. | ||
| We gotta take back the fanny pack and maybe even introduce a fucking purse, huh? | ||
| How about them apples? | ||
| Get yourself a purse, boys. | ||
| Fuck it! | ||
| Yeah, you got a little man purse. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, man. | ||
| The idea that there's something somehow or another feminine or weak about carrying around a bag is a perplexing aspect of this society, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| We are allowed to carry certain bags. | ||
| If you're carrying a military-style duffel bag, that's fine. | ||
| But you're not allowed to have a purse. | ||
| You can't go through the airport with a purse. | ||
| Dudes will laugh at you. | ||
| Dudes with backpacks carrying duffel bags will laugh at you if you've got a purse. | ||
| Look at this guy with his fucking purse. | ||
| What is that, a purse, bro? | ||
| You got a fucking purse? | ||
|
unidentified
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What is the difference between a fucking purse and a backpack? | |
| What's going on here? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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A duffel bag's okay and I can't have a fucking purse? | |
| This is nonsense. | ||
| We have subjected ourselves to some nonsense that we just have accepted over the years. | ||
| And now it's become culture. | ||
| And Brian Redbank, God bless you for breaking the mold, young man. | ||
|
unidentified
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God bless you. | |
| That's where I keep my Xantax. | ||
| Keep your Xantax. | ||
| What is Xantax? | ||
|
unidentified
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What is that? | |
| From drinking too much heartburn medicine. | ||
| You take Harper and Madison? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You silly bitch. | ||
| Anyway, Ting. | ||
| What Ting does is it allows you to... | ||
| First of all, if you go to rogan.ting.com, you can save some money. | ||
| Save 25 bucks off their service. | ||
| But what they allow you to do is buy phones, the highest-end Android phones, and... | ||
| And put it on a network, the Sprint network, but cancel whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| It's yours. | ||
| It's your phone, too. | ||
| There's a lot of stupid shit that goes along with cell phone contracts. | ||
| And one big one is the fact that if you, you know, most people don't realize what kind of deal they're making when they make it, but when you cancel, if you cancel, you gotta pay them. | ||
| You can't just quit. | ||
| You owe them like hundreds of dollars. | ||
| It gets fucking stupid. | ||
| And if someone is in a position where $300 is like a make or break for the month for them, and you really want to get out of your, you know, ex-cell phone, you know, AT&T, whether it's Verizon, whatever it is, you've got to fucking pay them. | ||
| You didn't really get, the deal that you got is you're paying off that phone over a several year period. | ||
| Or, you know, over a certain amount of time period. | ||
| And they sort of add that to your bill. | ||
| So if you just decide to leave, you didn't really get that phone for $299. | ||
| You got a $700 phone for $299 because they worked it into your deal that you pay the rest of it over time. | ||
| So that's what's going on. | ||
| That's why you can't just cancel. | ||
| And things like, what kind of stupid shit is that? | ||
| Let's just cut that out of the equation. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| That complicates things. | ||
| Let's also have it so people can share time. | ||
| And then Sprint... | ||
| One of the coolest things about using the Sprint network is... | ||
| It's not like Ting has its own little funky network that only works in like weird spots. | ||
| It's a huge network that works everywhere. | ||
| And the way Ting has it set up, if you don't use all of their bandwidth, if you don't use all of their time, they'll give you a credit on your unused service. | ||
| So if you use less than you thought you would, Ting drops you down and credit you the difference on your next bill. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's just a cool company. | ||
| I love the idea behind it. | ||
| It would suck if it turned out that they were actually evil. | ||
| And that they just... | ||
| They were like the most evil company ever. | ||
| They were just doing it really ethically. | ||
|
unidentified
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They hate puppies or something. | |
| Yeah, they're all fucking devil worshippers or some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, you're a devil worshipper. | |
| I've seen the pictures. | ||
| You and your 666 and your tattoos. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta talk about that picture, huh? | ||
| People think I'm a real devil worshipper, these silly fucks. | ||
| I was at the goddamn... | ||
| Some Anton LaVey's thing. | ||
| We'll talk about it in the podcast. | ||
| We'll talk about it. | ||
| Pull the picture up and we'll talk about it because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| Anyway, Rogan.Tang.com. | ||
| Save yourself some money on a cool company. | ||
| I don't think there's any reason to have contracts anymore, folks. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Get your shit on. | ||
| Get your freak on. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. | ||
| Stamps.com is one of our newest sponsors. | ||
| And if you buy any of Brian's deskwad.tv kitty cats, that is exactly how they're getting to you. | ||
| They're getting to you through Stamps.com. | ||
| So you know that Brian uses it. | ||
| It's an easy way to, if you have a small business, and taking your stuff, whatever you're selling, and bringing it to some post office where you've got to wait in lines. | ||
| Someone's gonna weigh your shit and box everything out. | ||
| It's a pain in the dick. | ||
| And it's not necessary. | ||
| And Stamps.com, you do it all. | ||
| They give you a scale. | ||
| They set you up. | ||
| You print out the postage on your computer. | ||
| I mean, it's a beautiful, seamless experience. | ||
| And Brian, you enjoy it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's super easy, and it's just not going to the post office is the biggest thing, because going to the post office, I don't know how it is where you guys live, but in Burbank, it's like an hour just to get to the cashier, so you can give them your box of tons of stuff to send. | |
| And it's a pain in the ass. | ||
| Here, you just print it out, and they have different ways to print it out. | ||
| They have the sticker kind, where you can print it on these stickers. | ||
| And the printout is just like it's a regular stamp. | ||
| Or you can just put your envelope in there and print it right on the envelope. | ||
| I can use this to UPS too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no, not UPS. No, it's just the post office. | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
| You can send weed to UPS by the house! | ||
| You imagine that shit! | ||
| That's it! | ||
| You have to take it to the box! | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They came out. | ||
| Everybody knows it. | ||
| They're the biggest drug dealer. | ||
| That's Mitch Hedberg's joke. | ||
| No, but that's a true story. | ||
| Now it's become... | ||
| That's how fucking insightful he was. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| How do you think they're getting all this weed? | ||
| Anywhere you go now, they got Cali weed. | ||
| It's not really Cali weed. | ||
| People that buy it, they got a good salesman. | ||
| I wonder if it's the same chance you're taking that you're taking with the post office. | ||
| Because the post office, if you're like a drug dealer and you send drugs through the mail, I think it's like a federal... | ||
| Oh yeah, it's a federal massive... | ||
| It's like the bong with Tommy Chung. | ||
| But is it the same with UPS? No, I don't think that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think UPS is a private company. | |
| You're still doing something over state lines. | ||
| So you are still transporting. | ||
| Yeah, you're still going to jail. | ||
| Yeah, see, transporting across state lines is one issue, but then there's another issue I think is extending stuff through the post office. | ||
| They're like, listen, bitch, you fuck with us, will you make us a part of your deal of... | ||
| Bringing illegal shit places and we're the government? | ||
| You bold motherfucker! | ||
| No! | ||
| So they went after those people. | ||
| Here's the thing in California, I know for a fact. | ||
| If, let's say, you have a friend that calls you and says, Hey man, you know, we grew up together and everybody's out there in Cali whoop-whoop and listening to Rian, send me a bag of weed and a cookie. | ||
| And you do somebody a favor and get like a VHS box, put weed in there and send it to them. | ||
| It'll never get there. | ||
| Those mailmen, I've had friends that sent them, the box has gotten there, ripped open like a dog ate it. | ||
| Like it's gotten there with the address on the bottom. | ||
| I swear to God, and they've taken the weed right out of there. | ||
| They're savages. | ||
|
unidentified
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They're savages. | |
| And they just send it. | ||
| Like, what are you going to do about it? | ||
| Oh, that Hollywood post office on Wilcox, don't send nothing out of there. | ||
| You go in there, every Filipino's high is fucked in that place. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Everybody's fucked up. | ||
| The trucks are crooked. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sure. | |
| Because they eat my fucking edibles when I send them those cocksuckers. | ||
| Do they eat them? | ||
| They steal them all. | ||
| They steal them all. | ||
| I sent my... | ||
| This is no story. | ||
| This is no line. | ||
| We'll call the guy. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I sent him a little bit of reefer and Eddie's book. | ||
| And he said the fucking thing got there a month later. | ||
| A month later. | ||
| I bought like the three days of delivery. | ||
| A month later, ripped open with Eddie's book in it and they took the weed. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Eddie's book got there. | ||
| You can't leave anything to government agencies, man. | ||
| I was at the TSA. Look, I never complained about the TSA. The bitch at the TSA in New York was the rudest person. | ||
| Like, the way she was communicating with people. | ||
| I ain't gonna do all that. | ||
| You gotta give that to this. | ||
| You gotta move that over there. | ||
| I'm using two lines here. | ||
| I'm doing two lines here. | ||
| JFK, yeah. | ||
| I was like, this is incredible. | ||
| I was like, and I go, you're being very hostile. | ||
| She goes, no, I'm not, but I can get hostile. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| I'm like, people really communicate like that just flippantly with people in public that are in positions like the TSA. The way she was communicating with people was just like so short and so curt with people and so shitty, just right off the bat. | ||
| As if someone was doing something to her by having her do her job. | ||
| That's some offensive shit, man. | ||
| When people get cunty with you just because their job sucks, like, I get your job sucks, but I'm friendly. | ||
| We could have a nice little smile at each other and walk about, you know, go through our time together. | ||
| It's not going to take any extra time. | ||
| She just got cunty just right away. | ||
| And there's a thing, man, there's a thing with people in New York. | ||
| That I noticed this weekend that I forgot about. | ||
| But there's that cuntiness, that curtness that people have sometimes. | ||
| They're real short with folks. | ||
| And folks are short with each other. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, that's interesting. | ||
| Because you know when that went away? | ||
| That went away after 9-11. | ||
| I remember always thinking that New York was like, there was like a certain hostility to New York that I didn't appreciate. | ||
| I thought it was an amazing, amazing, amazing city. | ||
| It's so fucking crazy. | ||
| It's beautiful, monolithic. | ||
| I mean, it's like more beautiful than the mountains, really. | ||
| It's created by man. | ||
| When that motherfucker's lit up at night, it's more beautiful than even the mountains themselves. | ||
| So I'm looking at it and I'm like, this is like really like one of the perfect creations by man as far as like one of the most amazing things that anyone's ever created and put on this earth. | ||
| New York City is one of them. | ||
| But you can't have that many people together. | ||
| They get tired of each other. | ||
| They get shitty with each other. | ||
|
unidentified
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USPS needs a warrant to open their mail, but UPS can just open whatever the fuck they want. | |
| Boom, son! | ||
| Supersede the government, we're contractors! | ||
| And the LA Post Office? | ||
| Those motherfuckers don't need nothing. | ||
| They just need to whiff it. | ||
| They need to see you at the window, and it moves the speed of light. | ||
| I guarantee there's somebody at the glass going, check that package. | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Anyway, avoid all this bullshit by using Stamps.com. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hey, get a free scale. | |
| Get a free scale. | ||
| There's a microphone in the upper right-hand corner. | ||
| If you click on that microphone, you enter in the code JRE, and that code will take you to the Stamps.com website where you get a $110 offer. | ||
| And a free digital scale. | ||
| It's a very cool service, and again, like I said, if you order one of those Death Squad t-shirts, that's how they're coming to you, bitch. | ||
| It's new shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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New shit. | |
| Taking it to the next level. | ||
| Printing your shit at home. | ||
| Another interesting thing that the only people who do it are in Kennedy Airport, and I'm not angry. | ||
| I'm not saying this is bad. | ||
| It's too many people. | ||
| Don't let you, like, let's say me and Joe fly out. | ||
| For years, we flew out, we made it 15 minutes before the flight. | ||
| That shit don't work. | ||
| Don't work no more. | ||
| So you and I have said, fuck it, we gotta be there at 11, we'll be there at 10. We'll sit, we'll open up a computer, we'll eat, you know. | ||
| I went there and did that at Kennedy one day, and they're like, you can't go through security. | ||
| And I'm like, you can't be serious. | ||
| They're like, no. | ||
| You can't go until we tell you. | ||
| So they made me and Ari wait. | ||
| They made me and Ari wait there. | ||
| And finally I had the sleep apnea machine. | ||
| And I was fucking hungry. | ||
| And if I get up at 4 and it's 6 and I haven't eaten, my blood sugar goes fucking up and I get dizzy. | ||
| I get that thing that Dana was complaining about with his ear. | ||
| Meniere's disease, really? | ||
| I get this feeling like I gotta puke. | ||
| I went up to the lady and I go, listen, dog, I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta sleep. | ||
| That's the only reason they let me through. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Because I had the machine. | ||
| They would have held me there. | ||
| And Ari was like, that's amazing. | ||
| I go, dog, because they know. | ||
| You know, I didn't eat. | ||
| I can't eat as soon as you fucking get up. | ||
| You gotta drink some water and move around. | ||
| So what, were they just hostiles? | ||
| Very. | ||
| Very. | ||
| That's why, as soon as you said that, I said Kennedy. | ||
| I said Kennedy. | ||
| I didn't even need to fucking know. | ||
| Newark's not like that. | ||
| And LaGuardia's, I have never had a problem in Newark. | ||
| LaGuardia, Newark, I had the problem the one time when I took the phone out. | ||
| Remember when we were landing and the German guy said to shut the phone off and he started yelling on the plane? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I went outside and the cop goes, I don't know, you know, you're on the away fucking team here. | ||
| This is the home team. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How dare you tell them to turn the phone on? | ||
| Newark, no, I never had a problem in Newark. | ||
| It was Kennedy. | ||
| And now you had it, and I've had it twice. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty nice, man. | ||
| I try to be as nice as I can to people when I run into them. | ||
| If I'm talking face-to-face with someone, I'm going to try to be as nice as I can. | ||
| But there's certain times where you get... | ||
| confronted with cuntiness, with shittiness that people have, and you're just like, whoa, dude, you know, fucking relax. | ||
| I'm saying hello. | ||
| Especially in the morning. | ||
| Especially in the morning. | ||
| I don't like this shit in the morning. | ||
| I tolerate it in the afternoon. | ||
| In the morning, I can't do it. | ||
| I'm like, we could do this with a couple sirs, and how you doing, brother, and everything would be fine, and we'll have a nice little conversation here, but you're just doing your job, and I'm just talking, and we're just, you know, we're just two people running into each other. | ||
| There's not conflict, you know? | ||
| And, like, there's people there that have this hostile attitude that are, like, making it a conflict. | ||
| Like, I'm not here for a conflict. | ||
| I'm here to say hello to people. | ||
| Look at my bag. | ||
| There's nothing in it. | ||
| You know, I'm just going to go to my destination. | ||
| Take care. | ||
| Nice meeting you. | ||
| Good seeing you. | ||
| And most of the time, that's what I get. | ||
| Especially with the x-ray people. | ||
| X-ray people are some of the coolest motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
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Coolest shit. | |
| I run into those people, like the dudes that are working in security in those areas, they're always asking me UFC questions, they're always being friendly. | ||
| I don't see them being shitty with people. | ||
| I see a lot of them actually going out of their way to be nice to people. | ||
| So when I'm confronted with someone just being shitty right off the bat, I'm like, wow, that wasn't necessary. | ||
| That was totally unnecessary. | ||
| I've got to be honest with you, you and I and Red Band and this young man, we're blessed with whatever you want to call it, that we fly a lot. | ||
| But I know that the recent conditions after 9-11 have stopped a lot of regular people. | ||
| They don't like it no more. | ||
| Me, I gotta be honest with you, a couple weeks ago you had people on here, and I know you were with TSA, I had no problem with them. | ||
| I've had a problem with them at all! | ||
| It's not a matter of... | ||
| Either you go to them or your plane's gonna fucking blow up. | ||
| It's that fucking simple! | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And you know that we've met people that situations have happened. | ||
| They've gotten through the line and realized they had a fucking bazooka on their luggage. | ||
| You know, that always scares the shit out of me. | ||
| Bullets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A friend of ours with the bullets. | ||
| You know, that happens. | ||
| But I have never had a confrontation with them. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've had confrontation. | ||
| You know, people on the line sometimes are the worst people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They're real slow and you go, excuse me. | ||
| Like, that's my case. | ||
| Like, I had a problem in fucking somewhere in Vegas flying out one morning with some fucking guy that was 80. Like, fuck you. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| But no, no, no, no. | ||
| I've never had a problem with those tears. | ||
| At all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I do everything as they tell me. | ||
| The belt comes off. | ||
| I take it out of the fucking case. | ||
| I take the tube. | ||
| I leave my vapor pen in. | ||
| I confuse them with that. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| That's a laser beam. | ||
| Yeah, that's a laser beam. | ||
| I've never had a problem with that. | ||
| But that particular, you know, you gotta go through it. | ||
| At JFK, you did. | ||
| Yeah, that sucks. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| I mean, it was only a couple of people, but it was just like, it was more than one. | ||
| I was like, wow, this is nuts. | ||
| I'm just trying to be nice, you know? | ||
| Would you ever move to New York? | ||
| I thought about it. | ||
| I would always think about it, yeah. | ||
| It's kind of an interesting situation. | ||
| We'll talk about it after we get done with... | ||
| Oh, fuck all the commercials, man. | ||
| I don't want to do any more commercials. | ||
| Onnit.com is the last one. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. If you don't know what it is, go fuck yourself at this point, seriously. | ||
| Best commercial ever. | ||
| What it is, shit that's good for your brain and odd weightlifting equipment. | ||
| One of the coolest things that we have now is the chimp. | ||
| With the chimp kettlebell that has the expression, I like to describe the biting your dick off face. | ||
| So if you see that chimp kettlebell, that is the look that a chimp would have right as it's biting your dick off. | ||
| And think about that. | ||
| While you work out with it, it will give you some extra motivation and some extra strength. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ed Esner after a horrible car fire. | |
| Oh, dude, that's so rude. | ||
| That's a chimp, son. | ||
| The scariest fucking prime man in the planet. | ||
| We're just lucky they haven't figured out how to use guns yet. | ||
| These crazy fucks trying to keep these things alive. | ||
| Look at that mean-looking asshole. | ||
| Crazy smart asshole that can kill you with its hands. | ||
| Yeah, why don't we have more of those? | ||
| They should be just running through the streets. | ||
| Oh my God, what would we do without them? | ||
| What would we do without them? | ||
| We'd eat the bananas. | ||
| That's what the fuck we'd do. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| You see that fucking tiger up here yesterday? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You see that tiger up here yesterday? | ||
| Oh, the mountain lion. | ||
| Yeah, in Glendale. | ||
| They fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Dude, there's a lot of mountain lions lately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| There's a lot of mountain lions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where was it in Glendale? | |
| Right by New York Park. | ||
| What do they call it? | ||
| Manhattan Park. | ||
| I don't know what part of Glendale it was, but that's like... | ||
| Not an Armenian to be seen, that fuck. | ||
| That's the only way you get with an Armenian. | ||
| It was one of those fucking leopards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was this mountain lion in the back of a white car driving down the street? | |
| No, in some... | ||
| You see him? | ||
| No, they shot it on a porch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Looks like they shot it on someone's porch. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, that's why we need a mountain lion kettlebell, just so you're fucking working out like that thing's going after you. | ||
| Now how hard is it to domesticate a mountain lion? | ||
| Oh, it's impossible. | ||
| Even if you get them as a kitten? | ||
| Yeah, you never can really domesticate them. | ||
| They never really domesticate wild animals. | ||
| You train them, and there's a big difference. | ||
| It's like the dogs are dogs, man. | ||
| They've been dogs for so long, like my dogs. | ||
| They're super friendly dogs, man. | ||
| I never worry about them being mean to me. | ||
| I don't worry about weirdness. | ||
| I don't worry about them just flipping one day and ripping my throat out. | ||
| But with a lion or something like that, that can happen. | ||
| Mountain lions, you don't own them, bitch. | ||
| That is straight DNA killing. | ||
| Straight killing for millions and millions and millions of years. | ||
| Nothing but killing. | ||
| That's all it knows. | ||
| When I'm watching Diane Sawyer and I see a bear wrestling with a lion, is that real? | ||
| He could be. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, people have done shit like that. | ||
| Like a monkey choking the bear, like hitting him in the face with left jabs. | ||
| How does that They can do that. | ||
| How come I can't do this? | ||
| People train. | ||
| They train them. | ||
| You didn't see that one this week? | ||
| Somebody had that. | ||
| It was a mountain fucking bear. | ||
| Big, they say, Texas. | ||
| Texas something. | ||
| It was a leopard, a fucking bear, and then like a third wild, like something that was so obscure, like a beaver. | ||
| And they're all fighting to the death. | ||
| Like they're all playing and chasing a ball together. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| We definitely need a mountain lion kettlebell. | ||
| We need a mountain lion. | ||
| They have mountain lion problems in California. | ||
| I told you I saw one in Santa Barbara last week. | ||
| How big? | ||
| It was big. | ||
| I mean, big enough to kill you. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It was like coyote sized. | ||
| I shit my fucking pants. | ||
| It wasn't as big as, you know, like the big ones. | ||
| You know, they get up to like 200 pounds, I guess. | ||
| But it was probably like 70 or 80 pounds. | ||
| It looked like a coyote. | ||
| It was moving across the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you know how coyotes are all like stiff? | |
| But mountain lions are like bouncy. | ||
| They have like a bounce to them. | ||
| And I just assumed it was a coyote, because I see this wild animal running across the road. | ||
| But then I see its tail. | ||
| And then I put it together, because you're looking at it, you know, it's a flash glimpse as it runs across your headlights. | ||
| But it was probably about, you know, 70 pounds. | ||
| That'll kill you. | ||
| That'll fucking kill the shit out of you, man. | ||
| I'm gonna tell you what's killing motherfuckers, that snow in Colorado. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Again, what I tell you. | ||
| They take you into deep April sometimes. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that's why Jack Nicholson snapped. | ||
| That's why in that movie. | ||
| See, you could tolerate November and December. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| January. | ||
| January, yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then February's cool, too. | ||
| But now you're out of the weeds. | ||
| You know, St. Paddy's Day. | ||
| You're like, fuck it. | ||
| Put away the boots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
March. | |
| And they dumped. | ||
| How many inches have they gotten dumped? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was a big blizzard, though. | ||
| 40 inches? | ||
| So far for the month. | ||
| For the month in total, I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| They just locked the airport Wednesday, didn't they? | ||
| Yeah, they didn't. | ||
| Come on now. | ||
| Pat Milicich was tweeting about getting stuck there recently. | ||
| Come on now. | ||
| That's why you can't. | ||
| That's a great place to live, bro. | ||
| But damn if you got to fly out. | ||
| Damn and damn April. | ||
| Fucking April. | ||
| You got the pool going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy's over putting chlorine in. | ||
| And all of a sudden, and I've seen people with Facebooking pictures of lights with six or seven inches of snow on top of it. | ||
| The whole town white. | ||
| It's fucking April. | ||
| It's a different kind of living. | ||
| It's a different kind of living. | ||
| You're dealing with nature on a completely different level. | ||
| We're just so pussified here in California. | ||
| But we've got mountain lions, bitch. | ||
| We've got mountain lions and they're moving in. | ||
| There's been more of them. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| This is not a one-time situation. | ||
| They shot one in Santa Monica last year. | ||
| And then you've got this one in Glendale. | ||
| They're moving into urban neighborhoods. | ||
| They found one in Santa Monica. | ||
| Last summer we had a new podcast. | ||
| We discussed it. | ||
| They found one in Agora recently. | ||
| Out near Agora. | ||
| They have. | ||
| They're seeing them all over the place. | ||
| Now, what is the reason why they're coming down into the cities? | ||
| Well, there's two things that's going on. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to be ignorant about this. | ||
| Steve Rennell will be on the podcast on Monday, the hunter from that meat-eater show, and he'll be able to explain to us a little bit better. | ||
| But I think there's been... | ||
| Play the music, man. | ||
| Let's do this actual podcast. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Oh, N-N-I-T. Use a code named Rogan. | ||
| We haven't been doing a podcast? | ||
| No, we are, but we're not. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And the audio version, it's always a podcast. | ||
| I just realized I'm a slave to doing a podcast with that stupid song. | ||
| What the fucking difference does it make? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And now it's the podcast. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| What am I, crazy? | ||
| The podcast began a fucking half an hour ago. | ||
| We don't need to play that goddamn song. | ||
| The thing about Mountain Lions, Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz here. | |
| Joey Diaz is in the house, ladies and gentlemen, for the people. | ||
| We need to stop editing this thing, too. | ||
| Just fucking accept it. | ||
| Sirius can edit it, everybody else can go fuck themselves. | ||
| And that's really all that's happening, right? | ||
| It's just the Sirius that's editing the first part of the commercials out. | ||
| But during the commercials, sometimes the best shit we say, sorry. | ||
| So if you listen to this on Sirius, you gotta go to iTunes and get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe we should just mix the commercials in. | |
| Like in an hour, we'll just pull out a cell phone and be like, damn, look at this. | ||
| Mix it in like fake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Brian, what is that cell phone you have in your hands? | |
| Tell me about Ting! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should just do it once for fun. | |
| But the issue with the mountain lions when they're seeing more of them. | ||
| There's one of them that got tranquilized yesterday in Glendale. | ||
| We're talking about this. | ||
| I saw one last week in Santa Barbara. | ||
| And, of course, there was the big one in Santa Monica that they killed, which I think was about a year ago. | ||
| But they're not using dogs to hunt them anymore in California. | ||
| They changed the regulations. | ||
| And when you change the regulations, you're going to have more mountain lions. | ||
| It's still legal to hunt mountain lions because they're trying to keep the population under control. | ||
| But by not allowing hunters to use dogs... | ||
| Hunters say that's the most effective way to kill mountain lions and still incredibly difficult. | ||
| What kind of dogs? | ||
| They use hounds. | ||
| They use, you know, hunting dogs. | ||
| And these specially trained dogs are designed to go find mountain lions. | ||
| They find mountain lions and they tree them. | ||
| And then the hunter shoots him. | ||
| And that's almost the only way to catch these fucking things, okay? | ||
| Because they're in the woods, okay? | ||
| When you're talking about intelligence, like nature intelligence, they're way fucking smarter than you. | ||
| They're not going to get below you. | ||
| They're going to stay above you. | ||
| They know that it's harder to run uphill than it is downhill. | ||
| They have instinctual things. | ||
| That you as a city person that's wandering through the woods, you don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| You literally need dogs to find them because they're too fast. | ||
| They're going to hear you walking and they're going to be like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They're cats. | ||
| They're big, giant cats that are living in the woods. | ||
| We have this weird attachment to certain aspects of what should and shouldn't be legal when it comes to managing the wildlife around us. | ||
| But you've got to be really fucking careful about allowing predators to take hold. | ||
| I mean, you've got to be really careful. | ||
| Because right now, we're fine. | ||
| The balance can shift, and you start getting to an Australia crocodile situation, where this place is in Australia, you can't fucking go. | ||
| Because if you go, you will get eaten by crocodiles. | ||
| Like, they will come, and they will fucking get you. | ||
| And there's too many of them. | ||
| And, you know, there's areas of the water. | ||
| You can't go there. | ||
| If you go there, you're going to get got. | ||
| It's just going to happen. | ||
| I don't find that acceptable. | ||
| I just don't find that acceptable. | ||
| I think the idea behind it is ridiculous. | ||
| 90% of everything that's ever existed is extinct. | ||
| 90 fucking percent. | ||
| I don't think there'd be any problem with getting rid of crocodiles. | ||
| I mean, it would be kind of cool to keep them around and look at, but if it had to do with, like, crocodiles overpopulating and starting to fucking kill people... | ||
| You can't think about them as being like one of us. | ||
| You can't think about them as being like, they're a part of nature. | ||
| No, that's a monster. | ||
| That's Godzilla. | ||
| Mountain lions, that's the wolfman. | ||
| You might as well get, I mean, if a mountain lion gets you or the wolfman gets you, it's the same shit. | ||
| You just got God. | ||
| Night-night. | ||
| Night-night, bitch. | ||
| Night-night. | ||
| One of those big cats gets you? | ||
| Dude, shit, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Jesus! | ||
| That's a monster. | ||
| That's a goddamn monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a mountain lion and we are working so hard to conserve and protect. | |
| These killers, these things that need to kill every day, these monsters that run faster than us, jump higher than us, and only kill things with their face. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| And they can kill you. | ||
| And even if you have a knife, they could still probably kill you. | ||
| Even if you have two knives. | ||
| They'll probably kill you. | ||
| Even if you're trained. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Probably kill you. | ||
| That first lunge that they go at you, you're done. | ||
| That rips you. | ||
| That rips a limb. | ||
| What do you call that vein that starts bleeding? | ||
| Carotid artery. | ||
| And they hit it from every angle. | ||
| The jugular vein. | ||
| They'll hit it from every angle. | ||
| The way they swat at you, they'll get something. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| And I'll tell you what. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| You know what the biggest animal I ever saw in Boulder was? | ||
| What? | ||
| A snake. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Right off Lee Hill Road. | ||
| I never seen nothing like that. | ||
| One of those yellow motherfuckers coiled like this stick. | ||
| What kind of snake was it? | ||
| I stopped and asked him. | ||
| You know, I asked him where he was from, how long you been in such a... | ||
| You think it was like a python or something? | ||
| I almost fucking died. | ||
| Someone's like pet that they let out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Most likely, right? | ||
| It was on my father-in-law's property and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| We had to pull over and... | ||
| Apparently that's a thing they have a real issue with in Florida. | ||
| People just take pythons and they're like, this thing's too big, fuck this. | ||
| They just throw it out the door. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fucking, and you know it's white people, by the way. | ||
| Yes, no, no, no. | ||
| It's crazy white people in Florida. | ||
| Man, I got me a python. | ||
| You want to see it eat a rabbit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, feed my snake a rabbit. | |
| And then all of a sudden you realize, well, you got a rabbit-eating monster living in your house. | ||
| And then one day it wraps around your arm and won't let go. | ||
| And you're like, alright, I gotta get rid of this thing. | ||
| It's 18 feet long. | ||
| So you take it out to the fucking swamp and just go, go, be free, my friend. | ||
| I didn't want to take it and kill it. | ||
| I mean, I knew it was thinking about killing me, but it's my pet. | ||
| I had a connection to it. | ||
| So I just let it loose in the swamp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw a homeless person walking down the street with a snake around his neck. | |
| Like a big one, too. | ||
| It was like that was his pet. | ||
| A homeless guy with a snake. | ||
| Scariest thing ever. | ||
| Yeah, reptiles are weird, man. | ||
| There's a weird thing with reptiles because they don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| They never give a fuck about you. | ||
| They're just conditioned to maybe do or not bite you. | ||
| To bite you or not bite you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| What should I do? | ||
| They have to think about it. | ||
| But they might just decide to fucking bite you. | ||
| But if you feed them, and if you keep feeding them, you stay with them, and you become this connection to food for them, they'll accept you. | ||
| But if you die, they're not going to cry. | ||
| They don't give a flying fuck about you. | ||
| And if they were hungry, and they thought they could eat you, of course they would eat you. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Doesn't matter how long you've been feeding them. | ||
| You've got a 20-foot-long python in your house, bitch. | ||
| You're living in his house, okay? | ||
| Well, you are his little slave, and you are bringing him offerings. | ||
| That's King Kong. | ||
| That thing is tied to a fucking pole. | ||
| That's a monster. | ||
| And as long as you keep feeding it, maybe it'll let you come close. | ||
| I mean, maybe. | ||
| What do you got in your backyard? | ||
| What are you doing there? | ||
| You got a little cage back there, you crazy fuck? | ||
| So they can't even kill him, man. | ||
| I can't go to somebody's house and see him give like a white fucking mouse to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Especially when I'm high, my fucking... | ||
| Oh yeah, it's weird. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I've seen people say, come over and let me show you. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've seen it. | ||
| And I had a friend, that's why I don't like it. | ||
| But man, that's fucking creeped out for me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's completely creeped out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're terrifying animals. | ||
| And those motherfuckers who wear the snakes, walk outside with the snakes around their head, it's those motherfuckers and people with a bird on their shoulder, which makes me want to snap. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| Especially like a parakeet or something on your shoulder. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I sit there and I get so high sometimes, I can see a fucking eagle just dip. | ||
| You never see that. | ||
| I would love to see something like that. | ||
| Like some jerk off doing magic tricks with a fucking parakeet on his shoulder. | ||
| And all of a sudden, one of those fucking birds that just comes swooping on you takes your fucking bird and the fucking ear off. | ||
| There's a great video of a hawk that comes into an eagle's nest to try to get the eagle's babies. | ||
| And the eagle just goes, Bitch! | ||
| Wham! | ||
| Grabs it and eats it and starts feeding it to the babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| An eagle just flies into this hawk's, or a hawk rather, just flies into this eagle's nest. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| I know that there was a guy on... | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This eagle's just chilling, covering its babies, and this hawk is like, come here, give me your babies. | ||
| And the eagle's just like, bitch! | ||
| Don't you know this is America! | ||
| Kills it on top of his babies. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Or her babies, rather. | ||
| I'm sure that's a mama, right? | ||
| Only the mamas are the ones who guard the nest, I believe. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| But look, he fucks up that hawk and eats it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| Yeah, they caught that on an eagle camera because they have a nest camera to moderate these birds. | ||
| But what a creepy world. | ||
| So the eagle is the meanest one? | ||
| Oh, they're the baddest motherfuckers. | ||
| Okay, so do they have those in Hollywood? | ||
| Did you ever see? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| So what's in Hollywood, my friend? | ||
| Hawks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hawks. | |
| Okay, the hawk, he has on Vista, right next to all those streets where we used to hang Curzon and El Compadre, him and his wife put cameras, because they would wake up in the morning and see Dead Pigeons or something, and they couldn't figure out what it was, and one day they got a... | ||
| Keith! | ||
| The guy who got a picture of a fucking... | ||
| Pigeon landing, and then this thing coming behind it, grabbing it, and ripping its fucking head off like a monster. | ||
| Just ripped his head off and started eating it without the fucking head right there on Vista, on Sunset. | ||
| I went to the Museum of Natural History. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| And that's where you get to see. | ||
| It's amazing, amazing. | ||
| That one piece with the thing hanging the whale on top, it's still there. | ||
| The dinosaurs alone, the gigantic skeletons they have, it's an incredible place. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| But they show the transition between a dinosaur and bird. | ||
| And, you know, that's a dinosaur. | ||
| Like, they explain the whole thing. | ||
| Like, the dinosaurs that survived became birds. | ||
| When you see an eagle, that crazy, cunty monster that represents our country, like, what a perfect thing to represent our country. | ||
| Like, I always thought the eagle's proud, the eagle's bold. | ||
| The eagle is a cunty monster from the past that somehow or another has managed to stay alive. | ||
| And as long as you keep giving it birds, it'll let you fucking hold it. | ||
| The only thing about eagles is they're not quite big enough to kill us. | ||
| They're not quite big enough. | ||
| I'll kill an eagle, man. | ||
| I'll probably get fucked up a little bit. | ||
| I'll get scratched up a bit. | ||
| But if I get a hold of an eagle, I'm going to kill that fucking thing. | ||
| Don't take the finger off, right? | ||
| Yeah, it'll probably fuck me up pretty bad. | ||
| I'll probably be cut up pretty hard. | ||
| But I'm going to win. | ||
| I'm going to kill that fucking eagle. | ||
| And he knows it. | ||
| He knows it. | ||
| He looks at it and goes, damn, I wish I could kill you, but you're just a little too big. | ||
| Because an eagle's only like 50 pounds or something, right? | ||
| You know, they look, I mean, they're pretty fucking scary. | ||
| And like I said, they will fucking hurt you. | ||
| But most likely, they're not going to be able to take you out. | ||
| But they've tried to pick up kids and shit. | ||
| Eagles have picked up little boys before them. | ||
| Tried to fly off with him. | ||
| As a matter of fact, there's a video of an eagle picking up a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a fake video, though. | |
| Is it a fake video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that was a bunch of students. | |
| They're sons of bitches. | ||
| You're talking about a son of a dude who's scared of chickens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got me. | |
| Great video, though. | ||
| Like, I see a chicken dog and I panic. | ||
| Like, I'm scared of chickens. | ||
| When I see chickens moving, I fucking panic. | ||
| I don't like that shit at all. | ||
| I could go into one of those butcher shops and have these animals, those Italian, like Mario Lozano in the East Coast. | ||
| You ever go to those places where your mom goes in Newark, and they have the fucking Italian butcher? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| And you go in there, they have, like, everything. | ||
| Like, all those birds. | ||
| What's the bird? | ||
| Quail. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then they'll have, like, a chicken and the other thing. | ||
| Then they get exotic. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Eagle? | ||
| Do they serve eagle? | ||
| Depends where you go, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Depends who you know. | ||
| I know people are into eating shit like eagles, dude. | ||
| But this is the place where you could stick your hand in, and the guy would take the chicken out and break its neck, and you cut it, and then your mother brings it home for... | ||
| So you can get pheasants, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, they got all that shit. | ||
| I mean, in the old days, they probably had polar bears. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They had everything. | ||
| Those Italians said, what are you going to eat? | ||
| I need an alligator? | ||
| We got it. | ||
| Just give me 15 minutes. | ||
| Well, apparently there's a company that will serve you like lion steaks. | ||
| Yeah, there's everything. | ||
| They'll sell you some sort of exotic game meat company. | ||
| They'll sell you lion. | ||
| You can eat lion. | ||
| And Colorado is known for that shit. | ||
| Restaurants, kabloonics. | ||
| I taught, we discussed this, where they take you, they pick you, meet up at the top of Snowmass Village, and they take you there in those things with the dogs. | ||
| They take you over a mountain, you or your wife. | ||
| They put blankets on you. | ||
| It has to be in the winter. | ||
| This is real shit. | ||
| They pick you up at 530 sharp. | ||
| You get there, you come out, you can order alligator, fucking... | ||
| Dinosaur. | ||
| Dinosaur, fucking Puerto Rican meat, anything. | ||
| You can order anything, a fucking rat, anything. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I never went there, but I knew the guy that had the dogs that would whip the fucking dogs and shit over there. | ||
| Oh, he's like a sledder, one of those sledder guys? | ||
| Yeah, but I know that if you fly into China, Hong Kong, don't quote me on which continent, there's a restaurant that just specializes in testicles. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Did you see that shit? | ||
| Every type of... | ||
| There's one that, like, belongs to, like, a fucking... | ||
| It's a stem. | ||
| And that's the big one that comes in a soup. | ||
| It's like a testicle soup. | ||
| I think it's like $1,800 for the fucking soup. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You gotta look it up. | ||
| It's disgusting, but it makes you think people pay to eat animal dick. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I was looking at that eagle. | ||
| How funny is that if in real life your mom kills somebody in front of you? | ||
| Oh, if you're an eagle? | ||
| Eat your vegetables? | ||
| No, like your mom... | ||
| Someone comes in? | ||
| In real life, your mom's like, eat your broccoli. | ||
| I don't like broccoli. | ||
| You mother... | ||
| Bam, bam! | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They brought a cat to feed. | |
| They've been eating this cat. | ||
| Oh my god, they're all eating a cat. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, that is a creepy, creepy animal. | ||
| It just pulled the meat away from its babies, by the way. | ||
| One of them was like, that is mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's actually been taking it apart and feeding it. | |
| I've been watching it for a while. | ||
| It's really cute watching this. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video of the wolves getting killed by the eagles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wolves? | |
| Yeah, guys who have trained eagles. | ||
| You've got to see this. | ||
| I think it's the Mongols. | ||
| Or is that a motorcycle gang? | ||
| They have trained eagles, golden eagles, that swoop down and kill wolves. | ||
| I guess golden eagles are even bigger than bald eagles. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I should look that up. | ||
| Let me look that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at that thing. | |
| Jesus Christ, that's big! | ||
| Look at the size of that thing! | ||
| Look how it does this. | ||
| And the dude is all like... | ||
| Done up in tribal, traditional animal skin clothes. | ||
| I mean, he's in a harsh, harsh world, and he's got this eagle that he's got trained. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a bad motherfucker. | |
| Watch this shit. | ||
| Yo, it goes after a fucking wolf, man. | ||
| I mean, what a gangster bird. | ||
| I mean, you want to talk about, that's like, the wolf is like almost the top of the food chain. | ||
| It probably thinks it is the top of the food chain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's running like it's not, though. | |
| It's like, oh shit, bird! | ||
| Yeah, it knows. | ||
| What a terrifying feeling that must be, to be a goddamn wolf and still be scared of this evil bird. | ||
| Look how it takes it out. | ||
| It just swoops down and grabs the wolf by the back of the neck and just starts jacking it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you think, though, this wolf Could easily just fucking attack this bird and kill it? | |
| No. | ||
| You would think. | ||
| But I think the birds are stronger than you think. | ||
| They're really primitive, man. | ||
| I mean, they're not like... | ||
| We look at them like they're all fluffy and shit. | ||
| But you look at their musculature and the way they're designed. | ||
| They're not designed like any other animal. | ||
| We sort of associate their size with the way we would view a mammal that was that size. | ||
| Like, oh, that's not that big a deal. | ||
| Like, if... | ||
| You know, whatever, a puppy or something, or a dog, rather, that was that big, was trying to go after you, you'd think that a dog that's only 60 pounds is not going to be able to kill you. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| What kind of animal was that? | ||
| That's a golden eagle. | ||
| No, they have not. | ||
| How did they kill that thing with a claw? | ||
| Yeah, because they just claw him in the neck, and then they tear him apart. | ||
| I mean, their claws are unbelievably strong, and they're essentially knives. | ||
| They have like knives on their huge arms. | ||
| Dude, they can pick up a fucking salmon that's swimming in a river. | ||
| Stop and think about that for a moment. | ||
| How strong you have to be to grab a salmon with your hands. | ||
| You're a big guy, Joey. | ||
| Do you think you could grab a salmon? | ||
| Do you think you could hold on to a salmon? | ||
| There's no fucking way! | ||
| How about grab it and then fly off with it? | ||
| Do you know how fucking strong eagles have to be? | ||
| That's an evil, ancient animal that we're like, it's the noble, proud eagle. | ||
| Remember that guy that sang those songs? | ||
| The guy, John Ashcroft? | ||
| Let the eagle soar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let the eagle soar. | |
| Did you ever hear that song? | ||
| Did you ever hear that song? | ||
| When Ashcroft was the Attorney General or something like that, whatever made-up fucking title it was, whatever job distinction he had, he was working for the Bush administration, whatever function they had him in, and he was completely crazy. | ||
| He was this nutty Christian guy, and he had the most amazing song that he sang once, and when he sang it, everybody knew right away, like, whoa, this guy is fucking nuts. | ||
| I mean, we knew he was nuts, but what the fuck is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let the eagle soar like she's never soared before. | |
| Yeah, I mean, you're watching madness. | ||
| You're watching 100% pure, unfiltered madness. | ||
| And you're just watching it. | ||
| All you think of is what kind of twisted shit is this guy doing when he's not doing this? | ||
| Because if you're that far out there, you're that far out there that you're singing with the ego, you know, and you're like, it was like super, super duper Christian. | ||
| Like that guy had some fucking bones in his yard, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think Wolverine versus Wolf? | |
| Who would win? | ||
| If I had a guess? | ||
| Pull up that Let the Eagle Soar. | ||
| I need to hear that. | ||
| Now what's a wolverine? | ||
| I would say a wolverine is... | ||
| It's like a badger. | ||
| In the badger family. | ||
| And they're fierce. | ||
| Unbelievably fierce animals. | ||
| They're crazy looking too. | ||
| They look badass, man. | ||
| It's like Hugh Grant... | ||
| It doesn't make sense that they call him Wolverine. | ||
| Because the whole idea of Wolverine is... | ||
| Wolverine was supposed to be built like Sean Shirk. | ||
| He was like a small guy. | ||
| But he had these crazy muscles. | ||
| And he had like this adamantium skeleton. | ||
| He had like some metal skeleton. | ||
| But it was like a little, like fierce, thick guy. | ||
| But then you have the guy who plays him. | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| The dude who plays... | ||
| You just said it. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Hugh Jackman. | ||
| Hugh Jackman. | ||
| I know I just said it. | ||
| I like him too. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I blame the weed. | ||
| But Hugh Jackman is like this beautiful, tall, handsome, you know, like statuesque sort of male model looking dude. | ||
| It's not really, it doesn't work for like that character. | ||
| The character's supposed to be like a Wolverine. | ||
| A Wolverine's like... | ||
| And that's what this guy was like. | ||
| He was like this hairy dude with his hands would turn into these swords. | ||
| Like, they would come out, these giant knives would come out where his knuckles are, and he would just fuck people up. | ||
| It was one of the most ruthless superheroes ever, when you think about it. | ||
| I mean, because he would just kill people all the time. | ||
| You went to the comic book? | ||
| Oh, I fucking love the X-Men, man. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let the eagle soar Like she's never soared That's the real song. | |
| I don't know why it's got the cowbell in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the cowboy edition. | |
| Cowbell edition. | ||
| The cowbell sucks. | ||
| There was a cowbell thing going on through the internet for a while. | ||
| That's a crazy person. | ||
| That's a crazy person. | ||
| Crazy person with black socks, stinky feet, sweaty feet all the time, in leather shoes, just wanting to get weird, wanting to stick his thumb up your butt, fucking choke him or something. | ||
| What's going on, bro, with Jay-Z going to Cuba? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I saw it in the news. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| I saw it in the news. | ||
| What was hilarious was that the people in the news were looking at it as a political liability for President Obama. | ||
| That Jay-Z is going to Cuba and it weakens the Obama position. | ||
| He can't be friends with Jay-Z now. | ||
| And I was watching and I was like, wow, this is weird. | ||
| They've managed to turn the White House into the real housewives of Orange County. | ||
| They literally have managed to turn the White House into almost a bit of a reality show. | ||
| Like, oh, what is Obama going to do about Jay-Z being in Cuba? | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| That's a really important thing to think about right now because it's not like there's a country called North Korea that has weapons, that it's threatening to shoot at us and has nuclear capability. | ||
| Yeah, man, what about that rapper, that guy who makes stuff rhyme? | ||
| Why did he go to that place where everyone's poor? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I just seen the headline from Hotlanta to Havana or something like that. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is terrible. | ||
| It's so weird how right now in today's world, the White House is really, and what's going on around there is a reality show, compared to what's really going on. | ||
| The wife is on Conan O'Brien jumping up and down. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| And I ain't got nothing but love for her. | ||
| I love that woman. | ||
| But do you understand me? | ||
| I mean, it's all different. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| The government is pushing that shit at you to worry about that while what's really, really going on right now is fucking scary. | ||
| Whether it's Korea, whether it's going on... | ||
| Oh, one good thing, the post office ain't gonna fucking close now. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're gonna close on Saturday, starting in November. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| No more mail delivery on Saturday. | ||
| No more mail on Saturday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Starting in November, but no. | ||
| They just... | ||
| They changed it. | ||
| They found the money. | ||
| They found the Gitas. | ||
| Somebody opened their mouth and said, are you fucking serious? | ||
| I get my copy of my fucking Time Street, whatever the fuck it is, magazine. | ||
| You know, I really wonder whether or not we would be better off with the privatization of that, you know, because I think UPS does an awesome job. | ||
| I mean, they're amazing. | ||
| And the Postal Service, the only issues that I've ever had with the Postal Service is going to the actual place, to the actual place and waiting in line. | ||
| That's the only issues I've ever had. | ||
| The idea that you should have a government company that does what private companies do, why would you even need it? | ||
| Why do you need a post office? | ||
| The post office as it exists is great, but shouldn't it exist because of the market? | ||
| Because it fills a spot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like, why should it be the government that does that? | ||
| That's one of the weird questions of our society. | ||
| In an ideal world, it would be great if the government did all that stuff, right? | ||
| In an ideal world, it would be great if we could trust everybody to handle everything, but it seems like everything gets handled best when it gets treated like it's a business. | ||
| Whenever you have government organizations that could be taking place by business, you're controlling things and regulating things. | ||
| Obviously in the post office it works great, but it doesn't work great in the DMV. It doesn't work great in the TSA. There's a lot of places where it doesn't work great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jonathan Winters died. | |
| Yeah, I heard. | ||
| Why is it, you know, I hate to bring this up and keep going with this, but why is it that the post office had all those shootings? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's because the workers were overworked. | |
| I mean, if you go to the post office... | ||
| Like back in the day? | ||
| Because it doesn't happen anymore. | ||
| The shootings don't happen anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know why it's not happening anymore, but there was a time. | ||
| If you go to the post office now and you just look at the people that are working there, that looks like the most miserable job ever. | ||
| They're just sitting there nonstop from 8 a.m. | ||
| to 5 a.m. | ||
| Well, if everybody just used stamps.com, it would lighten the load, and then there would be less work, and everybody could chill the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you imagine? | ||
| That's a thankless job, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't check my mail except maybe once a month now and it's like the worst idea in the world because I'll check it and there's like all these bills and like late payments and stuff but I hate the mail so much that now it literally is like a stack this big of mail once a month and And only about 5% of it is something that I need. | |
| Do you pick up the mail or it gets delivered to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a huge mailbox. | |
| I mean, it's right in front of my house. | ||
| I just don't even care. | ||
| So the post office is completely a government gig, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it is, yeah. | |
| I have a friend back home, my friend Adam, who's a postman. | ||
| He's been a postman forever. | ||
| I used to work out with him at the Boston Athletic Club back in the day. | ||
| And he was like a real neighborhood postman. | ||
| You know, would like go door to door, knew everybody, said hi. | ||
| They would like give him tips for like Christmas and stuff. | ||
| It was like a real neighborhood postman. | ||
| Do they still have those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some places still have like a real, a guy who's like, how you doing? | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| Like knows everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's kind of cool. | |
| The guy I got now is a dick, but the guy... | ||
| The guy I had in Hollywood, he was a Filipino, and he gambled, so I owned him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious! | |
| I owned him, and he delivered to me first. | ||
| I would tell him, dog, I'm getting a check this week. | ||
| Stop by here first. | ||
| And I'd see him, like, at nine. | ||
| He'd give me the check early and shit. | ||
| Good guy. | ||
| I still see him. | ||
| He's still down. | ||
| I wonder how those guys feel about things like Stamps.com. | ||
| I mean, they still have to deliver things, so... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's not affecting them. | |
| It's actually probably making them... | ||
| Yeah, it's probably like lightening the load a little bit. | ||
| Male guys love their fucking job. | ||
| That's a great job. | ||
| You're walking, especially in California. | ||
| What the male people hate more than fucking we do is the shit they have to deliver. | ||
| That's why a lot of them... | ||
| See, I'm talking to you from the other end. | ||
| I did time with three dudes that dumped the fucking Circulus. | ||
| So if a mailman dumps Circulus, they go to prison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Circulus. | ||
| When you got a thing from Rouse that says grapefruits. | ||
| Three for 99 cents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spam. | |
| Spam. | ||
| In your mailbox. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know mail guys that have done time. | ||
| Like I knew a fucking hippie in Boulder. | ||
| The coolest motherfucker ever. | ||
| Tenge. | ||
| Coolest white dude. | ||
| I loved him. | ||
| From fucking some white investment in Oklahoma. | ||
| I loved long hair. | ||
| They fucked with him, put him in a ponytail. | ||
| This motherfucker filled his garage. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| For 10 years with the spam. | ||
| And something happened at his house. | ||
| He had a fire in the backyard and they found 10 years worth of hoarding the fucking thing. | ||
| He was just stealing it? | ||
| No, he didn't want to mail it to people. | ||
| He thought it was fucking terrible, but he had to do it. | ||
| It's part of his job. | ||
| They threw him in fucking jail. | ||
| Oh, they threw him in jail because he didn't send it out? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because he didn't want to spam them. | ||
| Yeah, he liked the people in his neighborhood. | ||
| And these people got together and they got his legal defenses down like two grand... | ||
| Two years at a time, he did Federal Time, and then I met other guys at Diagnostic who were cool mailmen who just, that's the big beef. | ||
| And one of the kids I grew up with, that I'm very tight with still to this day, got fired. | ||
| And he tells hysterical like he used to take the little car into the city to go to RTB Right and he go pick up the grandma blow in the little mail cart And he go back over the jersey over the bridge and he throw the mail away He would tell me how the whole place was he got fired before he got caught because all their phones and listen to this This is 20 years ago. | ||
| So here you go. | ||
| You ready for this bomb. | ||
| They had a month eight 20 years ago gambling on the post office phone. | ||
| Oh Oh, wow. | ||
| So they've been listening on the phone before 9-11, the act of 66 that we all buy into. | ||
| So they just record conversations. | ||
| Yeah, if you work at a federal agency since 1950, they've been taping everything. | ||
| When you call home and tell your husband you're going to go home and suck his dick, they got it on tape. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's hysterical. | ||
| They called him in and played the tapes. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And they didn't say, like, until this day, I always said, well, what if they're investigating the bookmaker? | ||
| He goes, no, we weren't calling the bookmaker. | ||
| My shift ended at 12. How come no one's ever done a movie about wild-ass mailmen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's some crazy mailmen stealing shit and finding some check and figure out how to cash it. | ||
| Think about what the shit they find. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They fuck probably a lot of chicks, too. | |
| I mean, they walk around. | ||
| There's these girls that are at home by themselves. | ||
| These wives that probably know the mailman. | ||
| If you're around the right skanks, you can make it happen. | ||
| Oh, and do me a favor for all you tough guys. | ||
| Or the right ones. | ||
| For all you tough guys, touch your mailman. | ||
| Touch him, man. | ||
| Get into a beef with your mailman one time. | ||
| Oh, he's a federal employee. | ||
| Yeah, that's like assaulting a police officer, isn't it? | ||
| Tell your mailman one time, hey, fucko, if you're going to come over here, don't fucking hit the gate because my baby. | ||
| Say that to your mailman one time and see what happens to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| How about don't say that? | ||
| Because, let me tell you something, within 15 minutes, you'll have a police car at your house, and then you'll have another fucking employee, some car that you've never seen before. | ||
| And they fucking knock. | ||
| I had a friend that hit a mailman with a Frisbee. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| In Arizona, they were doing that shit, and the guy cut across, and they hit him with a Frisbee, and they laughed. | ||
| So the guy thought it was done intentionally. | ||
| Dog, this guy did a year in fucking jail. | ||
| It's a heavy-duty fucking assault charge touching a fucking mailman. | ||
| But in Boulder one time, this is an interesting story, in Boulder there was a guy that got bit by a dog, so now his phobia, he hated dogs, but he needed the job as a mailman. | ||
| So if you left your dog in the yard, he would spray your dog with shit to the face. | ||
| So one woman was home one day, he heard the dog, you know, the dog's outside and seen the mailman fucking spray him. | ||
| And she told the neighbors some other dog had died in that route. | ||
| And the guy waited for him. | ||
| This is in 1986 in Boulder. | ||
| The guy waited for the mailman next day. | ||
| He took him to fucking Boulder. | ||
| You gotta be careful, bro. | ||
| They took him in that fucking backyard, him and his brother, and threw a beat on this fucking guy. | ||
| I think one of them went to jail, the other. | ||
| Boulder's a fucking crazy place like that when you... | ||
| You don't know who you're messing with. | ||
| Well, a lot of those people in Colorado are the descendants of old cowboys. | ||
| I mean, you gotta think, like, back a few generations. | ||
| They fucked this mailman up. | ||
| Can you imagine fucking the mailman up? | ||
| Like, come here, motherfucker. | ||
| Well, they didn't good fellas, but... | ||
| Well, if a guy kills your dog, you know, that you love, you might be willing to do a little time, you know? | ||
| There's some pieces of shit out there, man. | ||
| There's some pieces of shit. | ||
| It'll kill your dog. | ||
| Fucking poison it. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| I have a friend who moved to a place. | ||
| He had a barky dog. | ||
| Someone poisoned his dog. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that's crazy shit, man. | ||
| I can understand that you have a problem with it. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It sucks that some guy has a barky dog, but poisoning the dog is crazy. | ||
| I mean, not only that, it was like a big area. | ||
| He lived in like a... | ||
| A big rural area. | ||
| So his dog wasn't even on a leash. | ||
| Like, his dog was allowed to roam free. | ||
| But apparently, people didn't like it. | ||
| This new dog moved into the neighborhood and started barking, so they just poisoned it. | ||
| You know, that's just... | ||
| I hate when people get defined in life as being like an animal lover or not. | ||
| I mean, everybody's an animal lover. | ||
| We're all lovers of animals that you can trust, you know? | ||
| When you meet a person and they have a cool dog, you know a friendly person by their friendly dogs. | ||
| The idea that you could do that, just spray dogs in the face, that's like a sociopathic sort of thing. | ||
| That little dog that you have is ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cute. | |
| It's really cute. | ||
| It's not even real. | ||
| It's not even real, man. | ||
| Your dog's not even real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He barked for his first time last night in four days. | |
| Did you come? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I have mirrors in my bedroom, like on the doors. | ||
| And he just sits there and stares at himself because he doesn't understand mirrors. | ||
| And finally last night he went crazy on the mirrors and just barked his first time. | ||
| It was so cute. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| He's so cute, man. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I found something. | |
| I've been cleaning out my office. | ||
| I found something the other day and it completely opened up like a memory that I completely forgot about when I was younger. | ||
| And this is so crazy. | ||
| I can't believe I forgot this. | ||
| We used to have this thing called time and temperature. | ||
| Do you guys remember? | ||
| Do you guys have where you live, where you called? | ||
| A phone number. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like the time is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the temperature. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| 29 cents a call. | ||
| At the end of the month, your mother will almost fucking kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know that. | |
| You got 80 bucks in fucking time and temperature. | ||
| Who's falling fucking time and temperature? | ||
| I got 18 fucking clocks all over the house. | ||
| I remember that when I was a kid, I had a calling card. | ||
| And if I didn't know the time, I could use my calling card at a fucking phone booth and call and get the time and temperature. | ||
| How stupid is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The one in Ohio was free, I think. | |
| And it was just a phone number you called. | ||
| But what happened is, at one point, something broke. | ||
| Where like anyone else that was calling could talk to the other people listening. | ||
| So it became a chat room for like three months. | ||
| You would call time and temperature and suddenly you're like, hello? | ||
| Are you there? | ||
| Anyone there? | ||
| Yeah, I'm here. | ||
| You start talking to people. | ||
| So I met this girl on time and temperature. | ||
| And I got her phone number. | ||
| And then we started talking for like two weeks. | ||
| And she said she went to a different school and all this stuff. | ||
| And she was a virgin. | ||
| And she was like, I will pay you $100 if you sleep with me. | ||
| And I was like, yes, I will take that money. | ||
| I was 17. I was like, $100? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| So I was kind of scared of how she looked and everything like that. | ||
| She came over when I lived with my mom, and my mom was out of town. | ||
| She came over one weekend, never met this girl, just talked to her a few times on the phone, met her on time and temperature. | ||
| She comes over, and she was a lot older. | ||
| I'm 17. She was probably like 30. And I was like, But she acted like she was in high school the whole time. | ||
| And I just was like, I guess she's in high school. | ||
| But I knew that she was older. | ||
| And then she wrote me a check with her name on it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you have a checkbook? | ||
| Wow, that's cool. | ||
| I was 17. I didn't have a checkbook. | ||
| You were impressed that she could write checks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I fucked her. | |
| And now looking back at it, I never even thought about it. | ||
| She was totally an older chick that was fucking young guys. | ||
| I was underage and she paid me. | ||
| I was a hooker at 17. That was her scam. | ||
| She used to call time and weather. | ||
| What a fucking scam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And pick up kids, because only kids were doing that. | |
| I remember this was like a chat line for kids, and I would be like, oh, what's going on? | ||
| Yeah, Worthington News. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So she was just some crazy freak bitch that was fucking 17-year-olds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, meeting them on time and temperature. | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| But did she know you were 17? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| I said I went to high school, and she said she went to this other high school that was like 20 minutes away. | ||
| Is it possible that she just did a lot of meth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Honestly, when she first came over, I was like, oh my god, I'm in trouble. | |
| This is the person's mom. | ||
| But then she was the girl, and then she, like, we didn't barely talk. | ||
| I remember she walked in, and we talked for a second. | ||
| I just turned off the lights in my living room. | ||
| We fucked on the floor, and she gave me a check, and she left. | ||
| And it was, like, in and out half hour. | ||
| Did you spend the money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It took me a while to cash the check, because I didn't have a checking account. | |
| And so I think I had to, like, get it cashed out at a grocery store or something. | ||
| But, yeah, I spent the money. | ||
| I totally forgot about it then. | ||
| Wouldn't it be an amazing reality show to follow that woman around? | ||
| Like if you could go back in time and just watch how she did it in the age of no internet, just find young guys and meet them somewhere and just fuck them and pay them, actually pay them. | ||
| Like how crazy was that chick? | ||
| Do you think she was that crazy or maybe it was just like a one-time thing where she just lost her mind and got caught up in the thrill of the moment? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I have no idea, man. | |
| Think about how creepy that move is. | ||
| But then again, how creepy are we? | ||
| We make believe we're on the payphone at the bottom of the stairs at the comedy store and watching chicks come in and out of the bathroom. | ||
| And all you got to do is wait. | ||
| Out of ten of them, somebody's going to be drunk and somebody will suck a dick. | ||
| They should have never taken down that payphone. | ||
| That payphone was a piece of history. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They should put a payphone back there. | ||
| They should find a payphone from that era. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they took it down. | |
| And they also took the one down at the Improv that used to be outside of it. | ||
| They shouldn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you know what's still there at the Comedy Store is where all the guy comics come in and they tilt the window so it's perfectly so you can go to the stairs outside and just sit there and look down and see any girls in the bathroom. | |
| Oh, that's so gross. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| Dude, that's so fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why whenever I, like, my girls are, like, I'm with a friend or something like that. | |
| Dude, that's, like, that's really illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's super illegal. | |
| You shouldn't even really be talking about that on the phone or on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| I've never done it. | ||
| What's more illegal? | ||
| That's really creepy, too. | ||
| Sitting down by the phone waiting for fucking pigeons to come here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking creepy. | |
| If you're a girl and some guy can look in while you shit, that's disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's disgusting. | |
| You're a piece of shit. | ||
| That's a terrible human being, and you're, like, thinking it's all silly. | ||
| Put a mirror on your foot. | ||
| Jamie Kilstein would be yelling at you right now and crying out rape culture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't do it. | |
| I don't do it. | ||
| I'm just saying that I've noticed they do that thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I could probably... | |
| Well, someone should fucking black that out, man. | ||
| Just call the manager. | ||
| And they have to do... | ||
| Now they're going to have to, by the way. | ||
| You just fucked it up. | ||
| We've all done creepy things, but that's one of the creepy things I don't fucking like. | ||
| All you creeps are not going to be able to pull that off anymore because you talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| Now, the comedy store is going to have to fix that or they'll be liable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny because every time... | |
| You have to let them know, man. | ||
| If you like going there, you better let them know. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Because people are going to talk about it in the pocket. | ||
| That's a big issue, man. | ||
| You're making it out like it's not a big issue, but looking in on girls, like fixing a mirror or a window to look in on girls while they shit, that's like seriously against the law and seriously creepy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I agree. | ||
| But you're just joking around about it on a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm saying that every time I have a girl, I'm with a girl and she goes to the bathroom, that's the one thing I say. | |
| Make sure those things are shut when you go in there, the blind things. | ||
| Well... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, if you go in there as a girl, though, and you see it, it's obvious, like, alright, there's an open window right here. | |
| I should shut this. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
| It shouldn't be there. | ||
| It shouldn't be like that. | ||
| And a girl shouldn't have to be, especially in a place where they're serving alcohol, the last thing that should have to happen is a girl should have to worry about who could possibly be looking through a window while she's shitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's nonsense. | ||
| That's complete nonsense. | ||
| Someone fix that, stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are those edibles? | |
| You just eat Joey Diaz's edibles? | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| You're a dangerous man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, these edibles are potent shit. | |
| Those are the pretzels. | ||
| They're okay. | ||
| That's a whole bag that's 130. This fucking thing will kill you. | ||
| It's like a sushi roll. | ||
| Fucking kill you. | ||
| Kill you. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| By next year in California, there's going to be like zombies. | ||
| There will be zombies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they're going to double this. | ||
| This is four fucking loads. | ||
| They're gonna double us. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| People are gonna be walking around with shirts ripped open. | ||
| Like zombies. | ||
| Like zombies and shit. | ||
| That is fucking crazy. | ||
| You know, we've all done... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember looking through the peephole over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't? | |
| That's gross. | ||
| No, I do remember doing it. | ||
| It was just fucking crazy, the shit that... | ||
| You try to think of all the crazy women that I met through there over the years and the different situations. | ||
| It's fucking kind of crazy. | ||
| You could write a book, and it's kind of disgusting. | ||
| Oh, what the comedy story you're saying? | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| You know what the beautiful thing about the comedy story was? | ||
| The camaraderie. | ||
| Between comics, we'd all sit in that back and hang out. | ||
| There was so much camaraderie in that place. | ||
| I guess it still is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like having an employee meeting with your peers every night. | |
| It was so loosely regulated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's getting more tighter now, unfortunately. | |
| Well, I mean, you kind of have to do that. | ||
| It should have probably been tighter a long time ago. | ||
| But the real issue was always, you know, how do you run a club and run a business and then still sort of let the comedians do whatever the fuck they want? | ||
| Sometimes it doesn't work out. | ||
| Comedians will wreck your place, you know? | ||
| That's why I always try to contribute to that place as much as I could. | ||
| Like, it's like... | ||
| Do it for free. | ||
| I pay for the sound system there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to go back there and pay for a new sound system. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| I'm sure it is. | ||
| It's a sound system I bought in like 2001 or some shit. | ||
| It's an old sound system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so scary there too because I do the show up in the belly room and up in the belly room is like falling apart. | |
| Like you... | ||
| I went to plug something in and all the electricity went out. | ||
| And then I'm like, these outlets are not legal. | ||
| This is impossible. | ||
| I'll turn on... | ||
| Keep throwing them under the bus, Brian. | ||
| Keep it up. | ||
| Keep it up. | ||
| You're like fucking... | ||
| What are you trying to do, man? | ||
| There's going to be people that are going to think of this conspiracy. | ||
| Well, what I know is that Joe Rogan had a problem with us. | ||
| Next thing, his little bitch, Brian Redman... | ||
| What the fuck, Brian? | ||
| What else is wrong? | ||
| Talking about making lies about our security staff with some of the finest in Los Angeles, okay? | ||
| I handpicked them myself. | ||
| The fucking thing almost blew up. | ||
| The thing's from 1920, people. | ||
| She's dead. | ||
| Who's running that motherfucking place? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I have nothing but love for her. | ||
| I got love for her too, but she's got one foot in the grave, one of a banana peel. | ||
| She's very unhealthy, but I love that woman. | ||
| I've never had any issue with her. | ||
| Neither have I, but I'm talking about the building. | ||
| Nobody's watching it. | ||
| There's no maintenance man walking around in the daytime looking at the fucking... | ||
| No, no one's paying attention. | ||
| And she didn't want to lift a rock for a roof 18 years ago. | ||
| That motherfucker must be leaking like a motherfucker by now. | ||
| Remember, she had Bob Baker up there putting a spackle on that motherfucker. | ||
| Made of coke and fucking black tar and all that shit. | ||
| When you got Bob Baker on your roof, fucking roofing your building, you got fucking problems. | ||
| Whatever happened to that guy? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| He fucking jumped off a roof. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| It's fucking California. | ||
| It's 80 degrees outside. | ||
| Fuck Bob Baker. | ||
| Fucking Bob Baker put in fuck. | ||
| Come on up. | ||
| Help me. | ||
| Are you fucking crazy? | ||
| I'm going to fall through that roof. | ||
| I got nobody to sue. | ||
| Do you remember when the guys were launching water balloons from the roof? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| We were just talking about that the other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What era was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was about seven years ago. | |
| It was Steve Renizzisi. | ||
| Hey, it was who the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Jesus Christ, son. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| I swear to God, you need to go to a doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about five years before I got there? | |
| What if someone was shot the fuck up? | ||
| Now we can't tell a story. | ||
| I heard the story for five years before I got there when Tupac shot the gun in there. | ||
| It was all a black club and they used to have metal detectors at the door in 95. I never saw that. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I was there in 94. It wasn't like that. | ||
| They would just have, like, Fat Tuesdays would get crazy. | ||
| But the one night, Eddie Griffin was saying, one night Tupac went in there and they had a shootout and everybody ran and Mitzi banned him because she thought it was him. | ||
| In fact, the bullets are still on the brick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the belly room, right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's one in the thing still, yeah, from Tupac. | ||
| I wouldn't doubt that there was some crazy shit that went down there. | ||
| Because they did have some crazy shit happen there. | ||
| Even, like, Kinnison shot a gun in that place. | ||
| There's a hole in the back sign that came from Kinnison's gun. | ||
| It's still there. | ||
| The hole's still there. | ||
| It's kind of fucking cool, you know? | ||
| Just to be around a place where Sam Kinnison lost it and shot a hole in a fucking sign. | ||
| I think it was about Dice, too, wasn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We should have asked him. | ||
| I think we talked about it with Dice. | ||
| Yeah, we did. | ||
| My memory's done. | ||
| You know, it's crazy. | ||
| My memory is filled. | ||
| It's like I've got no room. | ||
| I'm taking in too much information lately. | ||
| It's crazy that 30 years from now, you know, any day now, they're gonna call and say somebody will offer them 10 million for that property, Joe. | ||
| Oh, the store? | ||
| Yeah, any day now. | ||
| Any day, somebody's gonna break and go, you know what, what the fuck? | ||
| Let's buy that side, this side, the side across the street. | ||
| Well, you know, it's worth a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah, it's worth a lot of money. | ||
| The history of that place is just undefiable. | ||
| No, the history is undefiable, but some Japanese group who don't give a fuck about ha-has in the East is going to show up with 60 mil, put an underground casino in there, whatever the fuck they do, because all those streets are haunted. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| We're going to be driving by there when a T is going to come. | ||
| Is it possible to still pull something like that off today? | ||
| Is someone willing to gamble that much money today? | ||
| Or is this a tricky economy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Every time you go to Vegas, aren't they building a new fucking building? | ||
| Somebody's talking to somebody, telling them that the future's going to be brighter. | ||
| You know what it also is, too? | ||
| They just adjust. | ||
| Like, instead of making ten billion, okay, we're making five. | ||
| We cool? | ||
| We cool with five? | ||
| Let's be cool with five billion. | ||
| And they just cut it in half, and now they're... | ||
| And they take a loss. | ||
| They take a loss. | ||
| All those guys have something that's losing dough. | ||
| That's part of the fucking angle to write off and have a good time. | ||
| But to take that place down, it would be so sad. | ||
| Every place has gone down. | ||
| Even fucking Arnold's went down on Happy Days. | ||
| What was Arnold's? | ||
| The fucking hamburger show. | ||
| They take everything down, Joe. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Who knows whether it was real or not, but they shoot. | ||
| They fucking take everything the fuck down, and that's the reality. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I don't even go to that side of Sunset. | ||
| I drive by it, and I feel guilty. | ||
| When I had my ear infection, I had to go to the Cienega to go get a hearing test, and I drove past it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I'm like, when was the last time I drove on this side of fucking Sunset? | ||
| When you and I used to hang out there between, like, was it, I think, like, 98? | ||
| 97. You started coming around 97? | ||
| 2005, I was in there, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I wish you guys would just hang out with us one day. | |
| No, we can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so fun, me, Don Barris, and all of us, Tony Henson, all just sitting in the back. | |
| Shooting the shit, smoking too much weed. | ||
| You can't go back. | ||
| The same people who were in charge back then during the Menstelia incident, they're still in charge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The only person there is one person. | |
| For me, that's the same people, man. | ||
| For me, that angle of it is forgotten. | ||
| I take it from a different angle. | ||
| That was then, this is now. | ||
| There's nothing I can do to bring that back. | ||
| Why don't I go home, get my football jacket and put it on and hang out in front of my high school? | ||
| Listen, the improv has never been anything but cool to me. | ||
| No, they're very cool. | ||
| The improv is so nice to me. | ||
| The improv is plural. | ||
| The improv is plural. | ||
| We work all of them. | ||
| All of them are cool to me. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| And on top of that, I mean... | ||
| There's also the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Jamie Masada's a wacky dude. | ||
| Dynamite. | ||
| Dynamite. | ||
| And then there's the fucking Ice House, which is the greatest club in the history of the world. | ||
| That's our backyard. | ||
| Our backyard. | ||
| I don't even need to go anywhere else. | ||
| No, I'm happy. | ||
| I'm fucking happy as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The thing that's cool, though, is that if you guys were to come last night on the patio, as an example... | |
| You guys would have been like, oh my god, there's like 30 people here that I know all in one big group. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone's got their dogs now. | |
| I'm going to hit you from a different angle. | ||
| I'm going to hit you from a different angle. | ||
| It's an amazing place. | ||
| I'm going to hit you from a different angle. | ||
| This is the angle I look at, guys. | ||
| This is the same angle I look at. | ||
| The angle I'm looking at is, I remember being up there and being 30 and seeing old guys hanging out up there and going, what the fuck? | ||
| I gotta hear this story when he was here. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just the old sad ones. | ||
| You know I'm so insecure when it comes to that, Joe. | ||
| I saw Carlin there, dude. | ||
| Carlin hung out at the back of the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, but that was one night. | ||
| I know, but he doesn't live here. | ||
| You know those guys that become that all of a sudden? | ||
| I don't want to be that guy, bro. | ||
| But you know, there's guys like Dom Herrera, he'll stop in, he just bangs out his set, hangs out a little bit. | ||
| Dom Herrera is one of the coolest motherfuckers. | ||
| That guy is, he's like a real stand-up, you know? | ||
| You guys are working together? | ||
| One weekend together at the Ice House. | ||
| The last week, it's a lot of four shows. | ||
| It's just going to be... | ||
| It's going to crush. | ||
| We're going to light the building on fire once in a while. | ||
| It's going to implode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, we enjoyed it there tonight. | |
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Dom Herrera is one of the most underrated headliners ever. | ||
| That's my take on him. | ||
| That guy is... | ||
| When he's on... | ||
| When Dom Herrera... | ||
| I did that show with him at the factory, and he was on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on. | |
| He's fucking brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His timing is brilliant. | |
| He's hilarious. | ||
| The shit that he comes up with, and he constantly writes. | ||
| He's constantly writing. | ||
| He's constantly looking at the news, coming up with new shit. | ||
| I've heard two beautiful jokes the last six months that are brilliant. | ||
| The one joke was the one my boy said on the Oscars when he said that right now this show is being viewed by two billion people. | ||
| That's why Jodie Foster is going to come up here and ask you about her privacy, something like that. | ||
| That's a well-written joke. | ||
| Dom Herrera, athletic joke. | ||
| That's a great joke. | ||
| That is one of the best jokes I have heard in a long time. | ||
| Since you're out of the cold. | ||
| That is one. | ||
| Let's get down. | ||
| Say the fucking athletic. | ||
| That's an athletic neighborhood. | ||
| It is such a fuck. | ||
| And you know where he's going. | ||
| I don't want to even say the joke. | ||
| I don't want to say it. | ||
| You got to see it. | ||
| You get a chance to see him. | ||
| Where is this that you guys are going to work together? | ||
| Nice house. | ||
| The last week of July, like four shows. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Two shows Friday, two Saturday. | ||
| And I'm honored because, you know what? | ||
| After I've been watching him, that Wednesday night he's got at the Laugh Factory is where you really get to see Don Murray. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He's in the catcher's seat. | ||
| His legs are open. | ||
| I think it's Tuesday, right? | ||
| Tuesday. | ||
| What's in it? | ||
| Busting balls? | ||
| Oh, Wednesday, too. | ||
| He does more than one show there, right? | ||
| So go on the line and take a look. | ||
| No matter who he got there... | ||
| Sometimes, and I don't like to say this, sometimes he's got, and you'll understand what I'm saying, Joe, sometimes he's got a comic on there that doesn't shine in the social avenue of comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Sometimes some people just so introverted, go watch him with those people. | ||
| He brings it to life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's brilliant. | ||
| He turns it around and bop, bop, bop. | ||
| He's so friendly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like he's easy to banter with back and forth. | ||
| When they called me and asked me, I said, yeah, why not? | ||
| I just watched. | ||
| Now I watch somebody for four shows and I get a different flavor. | ||
| It's very tough to learn from somebody when you watch 10-minute sets in L.A. L.A. to me doesn't give... | ||
| People come out and I'm not discouraging people that are coming out and going, oh, I'm going to see Joe Rogan. | ||
| Excuse me, at the Comedy Store, that's a 20-minute set. | ||
| At least. | ||
| You know, sometimes sit tight in your neighborhood. | ||
| We'll get there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But to see a 10-minute Dom Herrera and a 45-minute Dom Herrera, it's two different fucking people. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's that way with you as well. | ||
| I think it's that way with anybody. | ||
| I've seen you do 10 minute sets and I want to see you do a half hour. | ||
| I want to see you do 40. I think at a certain point in time, I'm done. | ||
| I'm cool if someone wants to do 50 minutes of hard shit. | ||
| I don't mind that. | ||
| But I really like a long set. | ||
| When you get into a guy and you start laughing at his stuff, you want to keep laughing. | ||
| You want to keep going. | ||
| You want him to keep going. | ||
| Like, Norton. | ||
| I saw Norton in Austin. | ||
| And he had, like, a 50-minute set. | ||
| I was like, wow, that's, like, almost like a perfect time. | ||
| Because he had, like, two guys go on before him. | ||
| And he fucking devastated for 50 minutes. | ||
| And then after the 50 minutes was over, he was like, he felt, like, perfect. | ||
| Like, he just nailed it. | ||
| It's like an episode of Game of Thrones. | ||
| It's about 50 minutes. | ||
| You know, it's not really an hour. | ||
| It's, like, just blasts you with hilarious shit. | ||
| And then you're like, that was great. | ||
| It was, like, the perfect amount. | ||
| There's just like a balance there. | ||
| Trying to find the perfect amount. | ||
| How much is a little too much? | ||
| How much is a little too little? | ||
| But those 10 minute sets are always too little. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's not bad for fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love going to the local places and doing 15 or something just to get out of the fucking house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was out the last two nights and I had a blast. | ||
| I went to two like... | ||
| I went to my spot in Orange and packed with Dead Squad people. | ||
| People brought pictures of chimps. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| It's a sandwich bar. | ||
| Can you believe that? | ||
| Sandwiches. | ||
| I've told you about this place before. | ||
| And then last night I went to a place in Alhambra. | ||
| This place was on fucking fire. | ||
| Alhambra. | ||
| Comedy on a balcony. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Outside? | ||
| Outside on like the third floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was like the second night. | ||
| They did it like once a month. | ||
| Who was with you? | ||
| By myself. | ||
| They called me like yesterday. | ||
| We had a phone. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| 30 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was home by 1130. And it's all people coming out to see you? | |
| Mixed, you know, like local guys put it together and shit. | ||
| It's amazing that some weeks I stay home and some weeks I go this week I'm going out five nights just to feel what that's like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'll do five nights with the Friday being the highlight of the joke. | ||
| And I'll take Saturday off. | ||
| I'm home or something. | ||
| I'll stay home. | ||
| Whatever the fuck. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But some nights I like doing that. | ||
| Some weeks. | ||
| Tuesday night I did something really cool. | ||
| I did Ari's thing. | ||
| Oh, the Storyteller Show? | ||
| Yeah, at the theater with Comedy Central. | ||
| And it was good to see our brother. | ||
| That was his baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's filling in for Comedy Central now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was, you know, when Ari called me, he was embarrassed. | ||
| He said, I want to touch this. | ||
| And then I go, Ari, I don't care if it goes on ComedyCentral.com. | ||
| I don't care if it ever fucking happens. | ||
| Why is he embarrassed? | ||
| You know, I can see he was like... | ||
| He thought he was going to call me like on a Carnegie Hall gig. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It was beautiful, Joe. | ||
| Well, if they're going to put it on ComedySensual.com, it'll get a lot of views. | ||
| Just to see that he put this together. | ||
| He had two sets worked out. | ||
| You know, the camera. | ||
| He had makeup on. | ||
| He wasn't an erotic Jew. | ||
| He wasn't mumbling, you know? | ||
| Ari's legit now. | ||
| Ari is very legit. | ||
| And it's really weird to see a guy that really paid his dues. | ||
| I saw him... | ||
| When we got to the store, he would sit back there like a nerdy motherfucker with that haircut. | ||
| And all of a sudden, one day he busted out with like 92 commercials. | ||
| And the whole time he was going out and fucking everything and he had hemorrhoids in his ass. | ||
| Remember this shit the size of a finger? | ||
| When we started taking Ari on the Road was like, what year was it? | ||
| Was it that early? | ||
| No, 2005. I'm sorry. | ||
| It was way earlier. | ||
| Yeah, way later than that. | ||
| I think it was before 2006. Because I remember it was Mike Young couldn't make a gig, and Ari came instead. | ||
| Denver, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, in Denver. | ||
| And Ari fucking destroyed. | ||
| And he was only doing comedy a few years back then. | ||
| But to him, I think it was probably the biggest crowd he'd ever had. | ||
| and then like his development from then on really a lot of it was like going up in front of these giant crowds like he went from like open mics to like doing these sold-out gigs and in between he would do the store you know and Ari went like in front of our eyes from being like a guy just starting out to being like a fucking legit headline that I would go see like if I was in like say if I lived in a town if I lived in Utah or some shit like that and Ari was going to Wise Guys I would go see Ari. | ||
| I'm a comedy fan. | ||
| I would go see that. | ||
| It's crazy to watch. | ||
| It's crazy to watch. | ||
| It's crazy to watch it happen to you too, man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And Duncan as well. | ||
| It's crazy how much it means to me now. | ||
| Early when I was here, it didn't mean to me enough now. | ||
| Now I have to sit down and write it out. | ||
| I have to really think about it. | ||
| I have to think about my thoughts. | ||
| Because I don't want people to be disappointed. | ||
| I don't want to write material that's bad for me. | ||
| I want it to be my thing. | ||
| Responsibility. | ||
| I'm the same way. | ||
| I want to do 50 minutes an hour when I want to be out. | ||
| I want to smoke dope. | ||
| I want to drink some fucking water. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It's been a real pleasure lately. | ||
| It's been a real... | ||
| The whole Twitter, the whole writing, it really has fucking made me sharp. | ||
| You know, the podcasting. | ||
| The fucking podcasting is to a different level now. | ||
| We get on here now, I can listen to a podcast now for 15 minutes, and I can tell what's good and bad. | ||
| It's radio-ish. | ||
| When we do a podcast, they tap into a conversation. | ||
| It's like walking in, sitting down, and going, I'm right here. | ||
| Let me finish my sandwich. | ||
| And next thing you know, you're just listening and learning. | ||
| Well, it's like they get to see you in the most real environment possible. | ||
| Like, the most real you possible. | ||
| I don't feel represented by things in 140 characters. | ||
| Like, when I write things on Twitter, a lot of times I write them like, oh, how's that going to be conveyed? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's only 140 characters. | ||
| When I hear you say something, I know exactly what you're saying. | ||
| I know where it's coming from on you, your inflection, your pause, the seriousness in your voice, the intensity in your tone, whatever it is. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| It's hard to express yourself on Twitter. | ||
| But on the podcast, that's where people grow to love you, man. | ||
| Then they hear that voice on Twitter when they read your tweets. | ||
| They know you. | ||
| They know who you are. | ||
| So they see that in your tweets. | ||
| Then it works. | ||
| But a lot of things on Twitter, like people... | ||
| I had an issue this week where people... | ||
| I've had a few. | ||
| But people keep getting upset at things that I'll write on Twitter that I think are pretty obvious jokes. | ||
| Yeah, they're kind of douchey. | ||
| Like I said, something about male vegans. | ||
| I said, if you call yourself a male vegan, I hope you choke to death. | ||
| No, not male vegans, excuse me. | ||
| Male feminists. | ||
| I said that if you call yourself a male feminist, I hope you choke to death on vegan pizza while crying to a Lady Gaga song. | ||
| I'm just joking, alright? | ||
| We fucking lax. | ||
| 140 characters, when you say something like that, people are like, oh, he hates all male feminists, or he hates feminists, or he's a chauvinist, or something like that. | ||
| No, but let's be honest. | ||
| How many guys that you talk to that are male feminists are really annoying? | ||
| How many? | ||
| It's most of them. | ||
| Most guys who are male feminists are really annoying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's a male feminist? | |
| Well, there's been a few. | ||
| Listen, the ideals behind it, nothing wrong with it. | ||
| The ideal... | ||
| Can we get some more of those coconut things? | ||
| And some of the cocoa cafes, man. | ||
| Those are the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'll have a cocoa cafe. | |
| But the tweet, first of all, it all started out. | ||
| I got pissed off, and I talked about this a little bit on the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| There was some lady that was saying nasty shit about kids, like didn't like kids. | ||
| And so I wrote on Twitter that I view women who don't like kids the same way I view dogs that like to eat their own shit. | ||
| That's how I look and I'm like, what is that? | ||
| It was just being a fly on the wall during a shitty conversation. | ||
| So I write that down on Twitter. | ||
| And then people get angry at me like you're equating women to shit-eating dogs. | ||
| No, not exactly. | ||
| I mean, yes and not exactly. | ||
| What I'm basically saying is... | ||
| It's kind of a gross thing when someone doesn't like kids, and that's what I was feeling at the time. | ||
| But I probably shouldn't have wrote women. | ||
| I probably should have wrote men. | ||
| I didn't think about it because it was actually a woman who was doing it. | ||
| And I always like it when I see women that like kids, especially because I have kids. | ||
| And women that like kids are cute to the kids and it's kind of fun. | ||
| But I should have said people and not, you know, men or women. | ||
| And I should have probably said hate instead of not like. | ||
| Because people are saying, oh, like, if women don't want to have children, then they're pieces of shit. | ||
| That had nothing to do with what I meant. | ||
| I don't care if a woman doesn't want to have kids. | ||
| You should absolutely be able to do whatever you want to do. | ||
| And I could totally understand not wanting to take on the responsibility of kids if you're a woman. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| I don't mean doesn't want to have one. | ||
| What I meant was doesn't like them. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| People who don't like you are like, fuck the kids away from me. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| That irks me. | ||
| It irks me with anybody, with men or women. | ||
| But I saw a woman do it, so I tweeted about that. | ||
| Then I started getting all these white knight feminist dudes that were giving me a hard time. | ||
| I'm like, man, you weak bitches. | ||
| You better shut your mouth. | ||
| You silly fucks. | ||
| It was just like over and over again this nonsense about, you know, this contributes to violence against women and your attitudes are misogynistic. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I'm talking about someone who doesn't like kids. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| You know, and I'm saying in 140 characters. | ||
| And maybe it's like, it's just a stupid way to say anything controversial. | ||
| You know, maybe Twitter, if you don't want to be misunderstood, and if you don't want to have to explain yourself, don't say anything controversial. | ||
| You know, because anything, because people look, because it's such a limited form of expression, they can all of a sudden imply all sorts of meaning to it, and then write whole blogs about this implied meaning. | ||
| They all of a sudden have this whole cause, and all they're doing is misinterpreting an original statement, but because it's so narrow in its definitions, because it's only 140 characters, there's so much room for just them bullshitting and coming up with their own meaning. | ||
| I had a bunch of feminists write blogs about me. | ||
| It was hilarious, reading all this, like my misogynistic attitudes and this and that. | ||
| That's about as far from the truth as I hope. | ||
| I always try to be as open to everybody as possible. | ||
| I like being a man, but I don't have any problem with anybody just because they're a woman. | ||
| I think that's completely ridiculous. | ||
| I think, though, that there's a lot of fuckery in this world, man. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that are full of shit on both sides of the fence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hail Satan. | |
| That Hail Satan thing. | ||
| Yeah, Duncan had this thing he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a wedding. | |
| Anton LeVay. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
LeVay. | |
| Anton LeVay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's him, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He asked me to do devil horns and wear his t-shirt and take a picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a cool wedding, and Dan Zig was played there with, what's that guy, Hank Williams III was there? | |
| Yeah, I didn't get to meet that guy. | ||
| I wanted to meet him, though, because I love the wonderful whites of West Virginia. | ||
| But anyway, he goes, will you wear my shirt and do the devil horns? | ||
| We're like, yeah, fuck it, dude, I'll do it. | ||
| And then I got all these people saying, Joe Rogan is a Satanist. | ||
| For real, that is the dumbest form of Satanism. | ||
| You're really thinking that that's Satanism? | ||
| Me standing there with a tribute... | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| A tribute to what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A tribute to... | |
| 666? | ||
| 666. Whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're also saying your tattoos have Satanic things in them. | |
| I've been seeing a lot of crazy things lately. | ||
| Your left arm, I think, has some kind of... | ||
| Satanic snake on it or something. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's a fucking dragon to represent my ferocious spirit, son. | ||
| Shame on people, though. | ||
| People are just silly. | ||
| Shame on people who take the time to fucking acknowledge that shit and to blow it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we are in the Illuminati. | |
| Well, it's, you know, but also... | ||
| No, shut up, Brian. | ||
| But it's also people on both ends. | ||
| Like, you're choosing to get upset about some really ridiculous shit. | ||
| You ever read a tweet and you go to that person's page and you go, I get it? | ||
| Once I read somebody's tweet and I go to their main page, I get it. | ||
| I get where he was coming from. | ||
| I understand why he said that. | ||
| He's a musician. | ||
| He's that. | ||
| He's a politician. | ||
| He sells this. | ||
| He likes, like, today somebody hit me. | ||
| When I read, he's a Paul Reiser fan. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You're a fucking mook. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I've never met a Paul Reiser fan. | ||
| So if you're a Paul Reiser fan, shoot yourself in the fucking mouth right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| If I go to somebody's page and I see music, and I know the music sucks, that's where it ends. | ||
| Because if his choice of music sucks, if I don't see fucking one of my three on there, like I remember going to people's, there's two things I judge on people. | ||
| I don't judge people by money or nothing. | ||
| I judge people by their music collection. | ||
| If I look at your music collection, you don't have Sabbath paranoia. | ||
| If you don't have the staples, Zeppelin II, those are the staples. | ||
| If you don't have Zeppelin II, why are we here? | ||
| I'm not smoking dope with you. | ||
| Why are you wasting my fucking time? | ||
| I'm over here, you got like the best of Judy Grant. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And number two, when you open up somebody's refrigerator. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| That tells me everything. | ||
| If you're a fucking mook, if you're a mutt, if I see like low-end beer, you're a fucking mutt. | ||
| I ain't never coming here now. | ||
| Aren't there certain people that they have music laying around just because it's cool? | ||
| Tons of them. | ||
| There's a generation of people that want to say, and I know this, and I don't hate you, because I'm kind of the same way that they don't want to like Floyd. | ||
| They prefer to listen to, oh, that's so commercialized. | ||
| Listen to more receipt. | ||
| They make you feel bad. | ||
| The worst being that Tom Waits. | ||
| Those motherfuckers are the ones I want to punch them right in the fucking face. | ||
| Because they're the ones, you're having a good time listening to something, you're bopping, and they want to really impress some fucking dumb chick with freckles or something. | ||
| Everybody's fucked already. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Everybody's fucked. | ||
| All you need is tequila and a gram of blow and she'll be sucking your dick in the fucking bathroom. | ||
| But you want to be cool. | ||
| And listen to Tom Waits. | ||
| Have you listened to Tom Waits? | ||
| Yeah, it's not my style. | ||
| That's good singing. | ||
| You're fucking an idiot. | ||
| But the only reason that people would put that shit on is to try to overpower you with their fucking Star Wars. | ||
| What do you call that? | ||
| The fucking thing with the mind jetty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| The mind jetty fucking trick. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Oh, he's so... | ||
| Oh my God, he likes Tom White. | ||
| Listen to that. | ||
| Right, they're trying to make themselves. | ||
| Let me sit you down with a gun next to your head. | ||
| You tell me if that's true. | ||
| That's good singing. | ||
| That's good fucking singing. | ||
| That's the Beatles. | ||
| I'll fucking shoot you. | ||
| I'll fucking put a gun to your fucking head, all right? | ||
| Telling me that's good music. | ||
| You're fucking 20 years old. | ||
| Knock it off. | ||
| Like when somebody says they like the Dave Matthews band, I will pistol whip you to death. | ||
| I will pistol whip you. | ||
| I have satellite on the way up here. | ||
| And they were doing Exodus. | ||
| They were doing Exodus by fucking Bob Marley. | ||
| I almost crashed the fucking car. | ||
| Dave Matthews, a white dude with no shoes on and a black new plane. | ||
| It's fucking, it's too, it's too made up, Uncle Joey. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| I think he's got some good songs. | ||
| Dave Matthews got a few good songs. | ||
| Please, you get me emotional. | ||
| Thank God I got the other one here. | ||
| Fuck this shit. | ||
| I was too quiet over here. | ||
| I hate all that shit. | ||
| Just listen. | ||
| You don't like it, just move over. | ||
| I can't stand fucking Tom Waits. | ||
| And the people who like Tom Waits, look at them and go to their page. | ||
| And they'll tell you the whole thing like that. | ||
| Something ain't right. | ||
| They're vegans. | ||
| Something. | ||
| They're, you know, stop the pilgrims. | ||
| They care for something that you're like, really? | ||
| I always think that Tom Waits is a guy who probably has a song that I would like, but I don't want to go find it. | ||
| He's probably like one or two of the songs. | ||
| Put one song. | ||
| Pick a fucking song. | ||
| I don't think you're allowed to do that. | ||
| Pick a song, and it sounds like he's taking a shit. | ||
| It sounds like a dude. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is this moron singing about? | ||
| And I know people are going, oh my god, he's a revolution. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Paul McCartney's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Why? | ||
| He's alive. | ||
| Everybody else is dead. | ||
| Paul McCartney won this war. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Leonard's dead. | ||
| George Harris is dead. | ||
| Everybody's dead. | ||
| Michael Jackson's dead. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Paul McCartney's still doing plastic stuff. | ||
| Even his wife. | ||
| He killed the fucking Lipton chick. | ||
| Didn't her parents own fucking Kodak? | ||
| She's dead, too. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He moved her. | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
| He drove her to get a fucking sandwich. | ||
| He died in the car. | ||
| Remember, dog? | ||
| Then he had the one with the missing leg. | ||
| McCartney lives. | ||
| McCartney won this fucking game. | ||
| He outwon everybody. | ||
| McCartney outlived everybody. | ||
| The only one, him, Elton John, Bowie, Mick Jagger, which he don't even want to fuck with. | ||
| All those other guys think Mick Jagger's a filthy motherfucker anyway. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Oh, they hate that motherfucker. | ||
| Why do they hate Mick Jagger? | ||
| Because look at him. | ||
| You want to just strangle Mick Jagger. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Mick Jagger's a different dude. | ||
| Mick Jagger comes across. | ||
| Mick Jagger, what was his background? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Look at his background. | ||
| His background's like he went to the best business school. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, in England. | ||
| He's like a fucking wizard economist or something. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, he don't do nothing unless you show up with a big bank book. | ||
| I know in Boulder, we talked about this in the podcast one time in Boulder. | ||
| You know how in concerts the seats behind you? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Sell them. | ||
| But Mr. Jagger, nobody sells the tickets behind them. | ||
| They won't buy it. | ||
| I'm Mick Jagger. | ||
| Sell those tickets so we don't go on stage. | ||
| Have you heard their new shit? | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| Their new song is not that bad. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that bad? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I just think... | ||
| He just went right with it. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let me see if I can find it. | ||
| Let's help them. | ||
| Let's promote the Rolling Stones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they give a fuck. | |
| How funny is that? | ||
| Yeah, we'll help you out, Rolling Stones. | ||
| I know you need this little podcast. | ||
| He's got a book that somebody wrote about him, and they interview somebody. | ||
| Who's the chick that's saying, you know, you're so vain. | ||
| Carly Simon? | ||
| Carly Simon sat next to him. | ||
| She was awesome. | ||
| At some movie premiere or something. | ||
| Mick Jagger sat next to him. | ||
| He was like, dog, you got a joint? | ||
| No. | ||
| You got a Kuala? | ||
| No. | ||
| You got a bump of coke? | ||
| No. | ||
| How about a blowjob? | ||
| Mick Jagger just killed bitches. | ||
| How do you know if he really says that? | ||
| Because he's... | ||
| Bro, this guy married his wife, and he married in a country where fucking it wasn't even legal to be married. | ||
| This guy's one step ahead of the game. | ||
| All he gives a fuck is getting his dick sucked. | ||
| He's 60-something. | ||
| You think Stallone's shooting shit? | ||
| This guy all spit slaps Stallone with his dick. | ||
| This guy's shooting everything. | ||
| He's got kids. | ||
| Every six months, he fucks a new model. | ||
| How many kids Mick Jagger got? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How many kids you got? | ||
| Pull up the song. | ||
| It's called One More Shot, I think. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would automatically get us banned from YouTube. | |
| You think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nobody, nobody. | ||
| I feel like we should just do it. | ||
| Nobody slung more dick. | ||
| Listen, Will Chamberlain said he fucked over 100 women or whatever, 1,000 women. | ||
| But I believe nobody fucked more women than Sinatra and Mick Jagger. | ||
| Can we play one little excerpt of it? | ||
| Not even like a little, really? | ||
| Damn, YouTube. | ||
| That's whack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We need to work something out with YouTube. | ||
| YouTube, hook us up, please. | ||
| So the new Stones is good? | ||
| Not bad, man. | ||
| I know they released like a song, but I don't know with them no more. | ||
| The fucking Stones. | ||
| The Stones are the biggest business merger ever. | ||
| They release six old songs and two new ones, and they bang you out for another $19.95. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Dude, when he came back, or when it was like, what is it, like 90-ish, 89, 89, 90, they had like one big hit again. | ||
| What was that one big hit they had? | ||
| Okay, so 81 was Shattered and all that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then after that it was the other one. | ||
| They took some time off and then they came back. | ||
| Neighbors, not that album. | ||
| Then it kept going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys like Bruce Springsteen? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank God. | |
| Dad, I'm from Jersey. | ||
| I want to stab that motherfucker, too. | ||
| Yeah, I like some bridge. | ||
| I like the first album. | ||
| I ain't gonna lie. | ||
| I like 10th Avenue, Freeze Out. | ||
| Yeah, oh, dude. | ||
| I like Darkness on the Edge of Town. | ||
| But after that, Born in the USA with a t-shirt, him jumping up and down, cashing checks. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Fuck you, cucksucker. | ||
| I don't like to know more either. | ||
| Cash and Jack, fuck you. | ||
| Born in the USA. What the fuck? | ||
| Well, he puts on a four-hour show. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| After two hours, I gotta get out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so weird how he's like, especially people on the East Coast, that's their Sinatra. | |
| He's a really emotional songwriter, man. | ||
| He's got some great fucking songs. | ||
| Thunder Road, that is a great, great fucking song. | ||
| But this is what happens. | ||
| What happens is when a guy gets super famous, it's really hard to keep up that struggle. | ||
| And so you sort of become at least a partial parody of yourself. | ||
| Have you seen him lately with that fucked up haircut like this is a fucking marine? | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| Oh, he gets on my last fucking nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's beautiful. | |
| The guy to me still, he came up with Born to Run, man. | ||
| Oh, I love all that shit, but enough already. | ||
| Take a retirement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| He comes out. | ||
| You see how he plays the guitar? | ||
| Like he's doing something spectacular. | ||
| He knows like four fucking chords. | ||
| Knock it off. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets on my last fucking nose. | |
| I'm a Sinatra type dude anyway, you motherfuckers. | ||
| And Bon Jovi is shit I like too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a Bon Jovi type of motherfucker. | |
| But not anymore. | ||
| 87, Slippery When Wet, Wanted, Dead or Alive. | ||
| You guys are talking mad shit, because Born to Run is a thousand times better than any of those songs. | ||
| No, no, Born to Run is better than that shit. | ||
| Tenth Avenue Freeze Out. | ||
| Tremendous, tremendous. | ||
| I'll tell you what, Bruce Springsteen, when he had the divorce... | ||
| Then he came out with some jamming music, man, because he felt really broken hearted over him and this chick breaking up. | ||
| So he came out with that brilliant Disguise song. | ||
| That's a great fucking song. | ||
| That is a great fucking song. | ||
| He came back with some strong shit after that chick crushed him. | ||
| Hey, little girl, what do you do to you? | ||
| You wanna send a date? | ||
| Give mama a two. | ||
| I'm on fire. | ||
| Stop giving me AIDS. No one would ever make that song today. | ||
| Hey, little girl, is your daddy home. | ||
| I had a bad desire. | ||
| What? | ||
| Who the fuck would make that song today? | ||
| You couldn't do that song in the age of the internet. | ||
| They would crucify you. | ||
| They would go after you. | ||
| The fake Rick Ross lost Reebok as a sponsor. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Oh, yeah, that's so ridiculous. | ||
| The Sacred Cross made some rhetoric about raping chicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Raping, yeah. | |
| Dosing them with molly, putting molly in their drink, and she didn't even know it. | ||
| You know, something along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And banging chicks while they're asleep. | ||
| Why did I ever have the desire to molly a chick or give a chick a roofie? | ||
| I'm a dirty animal. | ||
| Because you got game, son. | ||
| No, even in the young days. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I would ask a chick if she wanted to eat a roofie. | ||
| I had like three girls. | ||
| Dog, I had this little juke brought in both of us. | ||
| She would eat roofies on Sundays with me and we'd freak. | ||
| She wouldn't let me fuck her, but she let me eat her ass in the 69 and shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But she wouldn't let you fuck her? | ||
| Nah, she had like a boyfriend that was in the Navy or something. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And she kept Hope alive. | ||
| Yeah, but we'd go to our house. | ||
| We'd eat a roofie. | ||
| We'd split a roofie. | ||
| Because she liked them, too. | ||
| We had to go to Lehigh Road right up the corner. | ||
| There was like an industrial park up there. | ||
| Some dude did a sheet ride. | ||
| Not sheet ride. | ||
| Sheet metal. | ||
| And he sold roofies. | ||
| She drove me up there. | ||
| He gave me a couple roofies. | ||
| We popped on the Lord's Day. | ||
| We'd split a fucking roofie. | ||
| Go have a couple margaritas. | ||
| You talk about bad karma, man. | ||
| You're selling roofies. | ||
| Just, here, go ahead. | ||
| Do with these what you will. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But I was responsible with the roofies. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| No, you. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm saying the guy who's selling on you. | ||
| I couldn't imagine doing that to a chick. | ||
| Listen, I'll work hard for it. | ||
| I'll take you home with an 8-ball and then switch it up on you and give you aspirin until you suck my dick. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'll run you through the fucking walls like the Egyptians. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| But I can't see that. | ||
| I can never see root and deuce in a chick. | ||
| Well, that's real sweet of you, Joey. | ||
| I'm telling you, dog, I think rape is wrong. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| I just think it's wrong. | ||
| I mean, you know, I can't believe you do it. | ||
| I can't even watch Law& Order SVU. I love Law& Order. | ||
| The one where they fucking rape, I can't watch it. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| For like 10 minutes, I'm like, I can't watch this shit. | ||
| Yeah, we all know that happens. | ||
| After a while, when you know that a certain amount of violent crime takes place, then you're watching bodies on TV. I was watching it the other night. | ||
| It was at the airport. | ||
| And in the middle of the airport, they're playing one of those shows, like Law& SVU or something like that. | ||
| And I'm seeing a body. | ||
| I don't know if it was a commercial. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| But I was like, wow, that's pretty graphic. | ||
| Who wants to see that? | ||
| Who wants to see that? | ||
| Now that I'm thinking about it, was it in an airport or was it in a store? | ||
| I think it was in a store. | ||
| Either way, the important thing is that seeing those images on those shows, they're repeating over and over and over again. | ||
| They have all these graphic images of bodies and pulling things out of bodies. | ||
| It's pretty intense. | ||
| You're taking that stuff into your psyche. | ||
| You're taking that stuff into your bank of experiences. | ||
| I don't like sexual stuff on television early. | ||
| Can you believe that? | ||
| You mean like girls making out? | ||
| No, let's say I'm watching Diane Sawyer and I have like a condom commercial. | ||
| I'll fucking lose my mind. | ||
| A condom commercial will bother you? | ||
| Oh, it's still. | ||
| Tampon really destroys me. | ||
| Tampon commercial, I want to choke myself. | ||
| My wife is in the room, or like your aunt's in the room, or some older woman. | ||
| Since I was a kid, they did a Kotex commercial. | ||
| I would sit there and look fucking straight ahead, dog. | ||
| I never get so embarrassed in my life. | ||
| I don't want them to ask me if I know, and I don't want to fucking know, but if blood comes out of your snatch and what you're... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Ha ha ha! | ||
| And what you put up there, that's got nothing to do with me. | ||
| I'm just going to look straight at it. | ||
| Don't even bring it up. | ||
| You know how there's some women that's cute? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they think it's cute. | ||
| Like, hold on, I got to go get a tampon. | ||
| Listen, I don't want to know. | ||
| I don't want to know if you're bleeding. | ||
| You just ruined everything for me. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| Does that really bother you? | ||
| That bothers me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hates the sight of blood. | |
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I hate the sight of talking about that your fucking pussy's bleeding around me. | ||
| That's what I fucking hate. | ||
| Even when they have it in their purse, I get sick to my fucking stomach. | ||
| I don't want to see a fucking tampon around me. | ||
| I don't want to fucking see a tampon at all, alright? | ||
| When I'm watching TV and a tampon commercial comes out, even when I'm by myself, I feel creepy. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| And condom commercials, that new commercial with the chick's head popping out, or the fucking thing that you put on your finger. | ||
| Have you seen that fucking commercial, the chick with the creepy finger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is great to relieve stress. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I don't want to know about that shit. | ||
| What the fuck is that?! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| That's a zombie. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that a zombie? | ||
| Put that away. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's broken. | ||
| That one's broken. | ||
| That is just... | ||
| That offends me. | ||
| Don't even get that one fixed. | ||
| To this day, anything vaginal sprays, anything vaginal on television before like 10 o'clock drives me up a fucking wall. | ||
| I've never had a period problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't bother me. | |
| Never had my own period. | ||
| Well, I have my own period every now and then. | ||
| But I've never had a period problem, like a problem with a girl's period. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| I told you the one I had to this day, and it was fucked up because my mother had just died, and it was the first time a chick called me. | ||
| That was my first booty call ever. | ||
| I had dated this girl before. | ||
| She was a cheerleader at Franklin School. | ||
| I played hoops at McKinley, and we had messed around a little bit. | ||
| Not really sex. | ||
| I don't remember, Joe. | ||
| I think I sucked the titties. | ||
| I knew her brother. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We were in grammar school, high school, and I had sucked the titties or something after a dance or something. | ||
| And after my mother died, I was home for a week, and this lady was taking care of me. | ||
| And I get this call one night, and there's this chick, and she goes, you know, you want to get together? | ||
| And I was feeling bad, you know? | ||
| I didn't know she was going to throw me a little lottery pussy, like my little funeral pussy. | ||
| I never got a funeral pussy, but it exists, you know? | ||
| Funeral pussy? | ||
| Yeah, like after somebody dies in your family, some chick calls you and sucks your dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they feel bad? | ||
| Maybe they're like one of those women that hang out at comedy clubs. | ||
| Groupies? | ||
| Groupies, yeah. | ||
| They like to have sex with people after somebody dies. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| But I knew her. | ||
| She probably just called me out of the kindness of my heart to make me feel well. | ||
| So I walked from 38th Street to 46, grabbed this bitch. | ||
| And walk back to my house on 38th Street. | ||
| I'm all fucking horned up. | ||
| We start swatting. | ||
| I take her pants off. | ||
| I pop her panties off and the Kotex pops out of her pussy like a tongue in one of those fucking haunted houses, right? | ||
| Like this, like this. | ||
| They come up like that. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| And I just sat there frozen like I had never seen that before. | ||
| I had never smelled that before. | ||
| I had never been around anything like that. | ||
| My mother had just died. | ||
| That was traumatic enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This would just set me over the fucking cliff. | |
| How that woman's still alive to this day? | ||
| I don't even look on Facebook because I might kill her. | ||
| She fucked me up, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Fucked me up. | ||
| I told her to put her pants on. | ||
| I remember walking home the whole time. | ||
| I didn't know how to control myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know how to control myself. | |
| To this day, I think about that motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Because she thought, I don't know, that's the first time I ever seen a woman with a period and the last. | ||
| I made it a fucking point. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| I don't care how old I am. | ||
| If I'm in a bar, I got a bag of coke, and somewhere along the light, that chick says she got a period. | ||
| That's where the conversation ends. | ||
| It ends. | ||
| There's no more talking. | ||
| They used to have this freak. | ||
| There used to be this chick I used to mess around with in Hollywood, and I knew her cycle. | ||
| She would have a period from the 20th to the 25th. | ||
| I wouldn't answer her calls those five nights, dawg. | ||
| Like six or seven nights just to make sure everything cleared. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And she never figured it out till this day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| She's never figured it out. | ||
| I wouldn't bring coke over there. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'm going to waste coke on a bloody pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| I'll smoke it by myself and jerk off. | ||
| But doesn't it still feel good? | ||
| Is it just the way it looks? | ||
| You don't like the way it looks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It's warmer. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| There's blood. | ||
| Is that bad enough for you? | ||
| There's fucking blood. | ||
| Is that bad enough for you right there that you're fucking blood? | ||
| No matter what you're doing, you're fucking blood. | ||
| I know you like it. | ||
| I know Redman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull out the tampon, a little gravy comes out. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, you son of a bitch. | ||
| That's the problem, is you don't want to look at the blood that's on the tampon, because that's blood that came out a month ago, or whatever it is. | ||
| Remember Grill 93? | ||
| It's all dried up and coagulated. | ||
| Remember Grill 93? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Remember in Boston? | ||
| I never did that gig. | ||
| Okay, I did that gig. | ||
| That happened after I left. | ||
| Right, so it was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday open mic. | ||
| So you did the weekend, Thursday was an open mic, and I would headline. | ||
| And then you did the weekend, and then you... | ||
| And then you stayed the week, and during the week I would do Monday at Faneuil Hall, Tuesday some room in fucking Quincy, Thursday Wooster, and then I'd go back to the Aku Aku or whatever. | ||
| But the point of the story is, one Sunday at that place, I had met her before, an open mic girl that was in the Navy. | ||
| And the hotel at Club 56 was right next door. | ||
| And she's like, I'm kind of tipsy. | ||
| And I kind of liked it. | ||
| She had a crush on me. | ||
| We started swapping spit. | ||
| We went next door. | ||
| That was the first time I was involved in one of those dark light swapping spit things. | ||
| We just kissed somebody in the dark. | ||
| We were all over the place on the bed. | ||
| And I remember my pants came off. | ||
| Her shit came off. | ||
| And I'm giving this chick a stabbing. | ||
| But this chick's pussy was fucking wet as fuck. | ||
| And I'm banging this like a soldier. | ||
| And these days I had stamina. | ||
| This is like 98. I was a savage before I got before the belt. | ||
| And Doug, I turned the light on and there was blood everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, see, it felt good, right? | ||
| No, it didn't feel fucking good at all. | ||
| I knew something wasn't right. | ||
| I could smell salty. | ||
| It smelled fucked up in the room. | ||
| Salty? | ||
| Something. | ||
| It smelled something in the fucking room. | ||
| That's probably you, motherfucker. | ||
| No, no, no, dog. | ||
| I'm on fire. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know... | ||
| You smell good? | ||
| No, I'm a water dude. | ||
| You know I like water, dog. | ||
| I get my nuts. | ||
| When I go home now, I take a fucking shower. | ||
| Before I go do comedy, I take a shower. | ||
| I take a shower before I go to the gym. | ||
| That's how fucking clean I am. | ||
| I've always felt bad when chicks feel bad about it. | ||
| No, I would never call somebody a bloody fuck. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I don't even get involved. | ||
| It bothers the fuck out of me. | ||
| It's just red. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No one's getting hurt. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| A lot of times they're extra horny too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of times girls on their periods are like, argh! | ||
| You like it, Joe? | ||
| You don't mind. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| What about the sheets and shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's wetter. | |
| I think it feels better. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You put down a towel. | |
| There's shit to worry about in this life. | ||
| I don't think that's one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have a period towel. | |
| You make chicks feel bad, man. | ||
| No, I'm not trying to make nobody feel bad. | ||
| Listen, some people don't like snakes. | ||
| I like snakes. | ||
| How are you equating snakes to a girl's period? | ||
| The fucking same thing. | ||
| Heartless monsters. | ||
| It'll fucking consume your soul. | ||
| It's right there, cocksucker. | ||
| What I got to spell it out for you. | ||
| Snake, pussy, pussy, snake. | ||
| Adam and Eve. | ||
| Not everybody likes the same things in life. | ||
| You know, people know. | ||
| If you can't handle that in your life, people don't like certain things. | ||
| Oh yeah, no doubt. | ||
| I just don't like that. | ||
| Some chicks don't like fat guys. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| Some chicks, you know, some people don't like it. | ||
| I just never liked it. | ||
| Remember the time you realized, it was probably in your early 20s or whatever, that some girls not only want you to come in their mouth, and other girls get mad if you come in their mouth. | ||
| Like, hmm, there's a different thing. | ||
| There's a very different response here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, like, some girls will say, don't come in my mouth. | ||
| And you're like, oh, okay. | ||
| And then other girls will be like, come in my mouth. | ||
| Like, whoa, for real? | ||
| Like, does she really want that? | ||
| Is she trying to trick me? | ||
| Like, what is going on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like the girl that after you fuck her, she always wants to take a little taste of it. | |
| Like, almost, like, every single time. | ||
| That's a dirty bitch that wants to eat her own pussy, but she's too lazy to work out and stretch. | ||
| She's too lazy to become one of those contortionists. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| She just likes to taste it for her own pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The worst is when you're eating out a girl and she is on her period and you don't realize it until the next day and you see the dried blood all over your face and you go to the store and there's a clot in your tooth. | |
| I think that's an alcohol and drug problem, really. | ||
| It's how the fuck you not knowing what's going on. | ||
| You're eating this girl's pussy and it tastes like a bag of pennies. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's disgusting. | |
| That was really, really, really to an all-time high of distrust. | ||
| I have heard some disgusting fucking things, Brian. | ||
| I don't mind licking like a drug's ass. | ||
| I like all that. | ||
| It's just the blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're very gross. | |
| You'll take shit over blood. | ||
| Ah, little shit ain't gonna hurt you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| The blood from fucking vampires. | ||
| How many fucking... | ||
| By the way, the original vampire... | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| If you really think about Blade, suck this motherfucking old vampire. | ||
| He's out. | ||
| Yeah, he's out. | ||
| Hopefully he'll make Blade 9. Yeah, and for anybody who thinks I have a problem with that guy, I never had a problem with that guy. | ||
| There was supposedly an MMA fight they were trying. | ||
| It sounds like bullshit now that I talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wesley Pipes? | |
| Yeah, with Wesley Snipes. | ||
| It was not my idea, and I didn't have any animosity towards that guy at all. | ||
| How much time did he do? | ||
| He did three years. | ||
| Three fucking years. | ||
| Yeah, three fucking years, man. | ||
| And not only that, he was willing to pay. | ||
| They were like, hmm, doesn't matter. | ||
| You're going to jail. | ||
| Like, he admitted that he made a mistake, tried to pay them off, and they're like, no, you have to do time. | ||
| You have to do time. | ||
| And they put him in jail for three years. | ||
| You can't just... | ||
| The government, whether you... | ||
| Especially if you're in a position of prominence, like a giant movie star like that... | ||
| If you run around saying that you're not going to pay taxes, that can fuck up everything. | ||
| And they have to make an example of you. | ||
| It's almost like they have to. | ||
| Because there's a lot of people out there that will argue about the constitutional legality of this and that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The reality is, everybody's paying. | |
| You gotta pay. | ||
| No one wrote it down in 1776, okay? | ||
| But it's 2013. The reality of this situation is that everybody's paying. | ||
| And these people that go, you know, we have found a clause here deep within the Constitution that clearly states that what is going on is unconstitutional, unlawful, and they would never have this brought up in a court of law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because if this was exposed, it would take down the very empire itself. | |
| And people go, fuck, I ain't paying taxes. | ||
| Let him come get me. | ||
| I'll start talking shit. | ||
| I'll start telling him about how the tax code is illegal and not even in the Constitution. | ||
| You know, and they're like, tell him, Wesley. | ||
| Tell him, Wesley. | ||
| And next thing you know, I don't know if it went down that way. | ||
| I'm just guessing. | ||
| I'm making shit up. | ||
| I don't mean to be mean to the guy. | ||
| But then next thing you know, he bought into some guy's idea and didn't pay taxes, like willfully. | ||
| And so that was for like a couple years and when they were going after him and like they were trying to You know, he won one, but he didn't lose... | ||
| He lost, like, the second most important one. | ||
| But I think he was acquitted in the most important one, which was like a conspiracy or something along those lines. | ||
| But he still willfully avoided paying taxes, and so they put him away for three solid years. | ||
| You know, when you're 47 years old, like he was, that's a long chunk of the future of your life. | ||
| You know, how much more time do you have? | ||
| Do you have... | ||
| Who's the oldest person ever? | ||
| He's like 120. So what, you got 80 years left? | ||
| Less? | ||
| Less than 80 years? | ||
| And someone just stole three. | ||
| They stole three and wanted to put you in a cage because you wouldn't pay them. | ||
| I mean, that is like some of the most gangster shit any society can ever pull on its citizens. | ||
| If you don't give us a piece of what you earn, Then we're gonna put you in a cage. | ||
| It's not like a debt. | ||
| It's not like there's some money on the ledger that has to be corrected and you have to eventually recompensate us until we're even. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, we're gonna lock you in a cage. | ||
| That's our solution. | ||
| And when you get out, you're still gonna have to pay us. | ||
| Well, that's a fairly, and that's a fairly victimless crime, if you really think about it. | ||
| In the greater spectrum of all the things that goes wrong in this country, that's a fairly victimless crime. | ||
| I mean, absolutely, it's a crime. | ||
| Absolutely, people should have to contribute to the fixing of the highways and paying police officers and all that jazz. | ||
| But the idea that someone should be just locked in a cage for that is kind of crazy. | ||
| I mean, there's people that don't get locked in a cage for assault. | ||
| There's people that don't get locked in a cage for much more horrible physical things where there's actual real trauma to an individual as an actual victim. | ||
| And they don't get locked in a cage for three years. | ||
| Well, you said the reasons why. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| At this point, retracting that is going to be met with furious resistance, and the idea that it's not is really silly. | ||
| It's almost like at a point in this country where things are so weird that it's almost like one of two things has to happen. | ||
| Either there's some sort of technological breakthrough that makes it impossible to lie anymore, and then from now on, everybody has to operate on 100%. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| It's either that, when we get adapted to that, or some fucking walking dead zombie type situation where we have to reinvent civilization. | ||
| Because if we just keep going the way we're going right now, there's so many opportunities for us to trip over our own dicks. | ||
| Just this North Korea thing alone. | ||
| See what's going on with this crazy motherfucker just pointing rockets at everybody and saber rattling and saying, I mean, what do they need? | ||
| Do they need food? | ||
| What do they need? | ||
| Do they need power, electricity? | ||
| They need something, obviously. | ||
| The guy's doing something to get some sort of attention and get some people to calm him down. | ||
| How long can that guy be around for? | ||
| How long can you have India and Pakistan hate each other, pointing nuclear arms at each other right there, just like staring at each other? | ||
| You know, how much longer can people do what they're doing? | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| It's like one of two things has to happen. | ||
| Either they've got to figure out some new invention that lets people all realize that we all have – there's repercussions to everyone's actions, positive and negative. | ||
| And everybody has a stake in everything that happens all over the world, whether it's in the Congo or the people that are getting run out of the Brazilian rainforest because loggers have moved in. | ||
| Those guys are douchebags. | ||
| Let's be clear about that. | ||
| Some people are living in some tents. | ||
| Some guys want to steal their trees. | ||
| Everybody needs to settle the fuck down. | ||
| We need to look at this globally. | ||
| And the fact that cunty shit can happen in the Amazon and the Congo and all these different spots, while that happens and we know about it, we'll never be at balance. | ||
| And it seems to me it's like something has to happen that connects everybody. | ||
| Whether it's a stage of evolution, whether it's a slow progress of things that we're going through right now. | ||
| That where people are getting upset at things right now that they never got upset at before. | ||
| You know, where people are sort of realizing that we're much more connected than people have ever been before. | ||
| And if that doesn't like continue on that trend, When you got things like North Korea, when you got things like what's going on in the Congo, and you got really bad spots in Afghanistan, really bad spots in Iraq, and the world is, there's parts of the world right now that are in the apocalypse. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| The apocalypse exists, and it's going on right now. | ||
| And while we're all just sitting here living our lives, that's taking place, and we know it. | ||
| And because we know it, we always feel out of whack. | ||
| We always feel like if the whole world got its shit together, if human beings figured out a way where no one was fucking over anybody anywhere in the world, no one was murdering anybody anywhere in the world, no one was raped anybody anywhere in the world, that could be possible. | ||
| If it's possible to do in this room, it's possible to do in the whole country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too late, I already raped the jam man. | |
| Does that make sense, or am I just too stoned? | ||
| I know that we've had discussions about your fears, and you always said that one of your biggest fears was staying healthy when you got older. | ||
| You didn't want to really, really get old. | ||
| Well, I don't want my body to feel. | ||
| You know, walking around with a failing body. | ||
| I'm going to tell you something that petrifies me more than anything. | ||
| You know, nothing scares me. | ||
| I never wanted to go to jail after 25. It's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that all these gangsters are glorious and they fucking glorify them in biography. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They die in a fucking hole. | ||
| There ain't no glory in dying in a fucking hole. | ||
| When you're 55 and above, I tell you what, and I knew this when I was 20. After 55, there's only one thing you should be worried about. | ||
| That's your grandchildren. | ||
| And your pension. | ||
| Your house should be paid for. | ||
| Well, it's amazing that those creeps made it that long. | ||
| You know, when you see guys like John Gotti in jail, and Sammy the Bull, they let him out. | ||
| That doesn't show you how nutty our government is. | ||
| No, he's still in jail. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, they let him out. | ||
| They let him out, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When he was involved, and they knew he was involved in at least, like, how many murders? | ||
| 20, but... | ||
| Some insane amount of murders and they let him go because he gave them information on Gotti. | ||
| But the beauty is that 20, 30 years from now, somebody's gonna find a file on Sammy DeBogavano and it's gonna be one of the biggest smacks to the American people that you've ever known. | ||
| Nobody really knew what really happened. | ||
| Nobody knew that the government wanted Gotti so bad. | ||
| They wanted him. | ||
| I don't give a... | ||
| Listen, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I want this guy. | ||
| We'll do whatever. | ||
| We'll kill 80 people. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| They were Italian. | ||
| They got what they deserved. | ||
| Fuck them and their mother. | ||
| That's the thinking. | ||
| And what people don't know is that Sammy was brilliant in the sense that he was the first one to rat. | ||
| He was the first one to rat. | ||
| What he did to the government was brilliant. | ||
| The government knew. | ||
| I told you that there's stories that the government was collecting his loan shark payments when he went away. | ||
| He went into the system, got out, and then it's when it really blew up in their face. | ||
| Because all these people started going in, testifying, saying, I would never lie. | ||
| I sold drugs at Sammy the Bogovano. | ||
| The government would go, no you didn't. | ||
| Sammy never sold a drug in his life. | ||
| But after 50 people came in and said, yes they did, the government finally said, they ain't fucking lying. | ||
| And then that fucking idiot went on to H.P.O. Oh, the Iceman. | ||
| Went on HBO, and on his third last interview, he said he killed the cop. | ||
| And then Sammy the Bull Gavano gave him the order. | ||
| They went to the files. | ||
| They said they seen that Sammy never copped to that cop. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they had him involved in an ecstasy ring, and they pulled him into jail. | ||
| And the Iceman mysteriously died to tell his story, to prosecute Sammy. | ||
| They took the Bull, and they put him in Colorado in Tomahawk under the fucking prison. | ||
| Under the prison. | ||
| So, the government... | ||
| This is a kinky fucking deal. | ||
| So he never sees the light. | ||
| Never sees light again. | ||
| But the government didn't give a fuck when they cut the deal. | ||
| And that's not just with him. | ||
| They do this all the time. | ||
| But it's a different government. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like the people that are in charge today... | ||
| And not the people that put Sammy the Bull out on the street back during the Gotti time. | ||
| Most likely... | ||
| Five fucking years he got for killing 20 people. | ||
| And he got to take his money. | ||
| He got to take 10 million dollars. | ||
| And he got to... | ||
| They didn't care. | ||
| And then they put him in... | ||
| He was in Phoenix, right? | ||
| He was in Phoenix. | ||
| Didn't he, like, try to go under a fake name or something like that? | ||
| He told him to go fuck himself. | ||
| He told him to come and get him. | ||
| That's how crazy that little mother, 5'5", training with Teddy Atlas five days a week, shooting b-ball, b-fall. | ||
| Fuck, did you see him before? | ||
| He was huge. | ||
| Did you see him when he got nailed? | ||
| He looked scary. | ||
| He was 5'5", two-something. | ||
| He was a human bulldog. | ||
| He was, you know, and he was fighting every morning over there with Teddy Atlas. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| Teddy Atlas was his trainer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that was a scary time. | ||
| When you had, like, real, legit mafia criminals, like, flaunting it in New York. | ||
| What about what's going on? | ||
| I hear shit about how they just, you know, and I shouldn't say this, how they arrest Arabs in New York and try to flip the things on them and try to get, like, those terrorist cases. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We had a discussion about how they take the people to go and push. | ||
| They take Arabs and they go and push them in on those terror groups. | ||
| Well, they did that in Dallas. | ||
| They gave the guy, I think it was Dallas, they gave a guy a fake bomb. | ||
| And they had him try to detonate it. | ||
| When he tried to detonate it, they arrested him for trying to detonate a bomb. | ||
| Like, you gave him the bomb. | ||
| Like, you know, I mean, that's so crazy. | ||
| The idea that they would be able to make a fake bomb, get it to you. | ||
| They talked this guy into doing it. | ||
| Let's do the conversation. | ||
| Okay, sir. | ||
| My friend, I have a bomb for you. | ||
| No, no, I'm going to give it to you. | ||
| You're the bomb guy. | ||
| Well, I think he thought he was dealing with a terrorist organization. | ||
| He didn't know he was dealing with the FBI. He had some FBI guy who says, this is my friend. | ||
| America is devil. | ||
| We're going to take it down. | ||
| You are in. | ||
| You are an important part of our program. | ||
| This guy's an idiot. | ||
| He's like, I'm an important part, finally. | ||
| Something, anything. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Is that an offensive voice? | ||
| Offensive, stereotypical, Arab-type dude voice? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So what do you think? | ||
| How do you think it went down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good one. | |
| That's a good angle. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| He said, you take this and you put it in. | ||
| When you come back, we give you badge. | ||
| FBI, pension and everything. | ||
| And the guy's like, I need a pension. | ||
| Insurance? | ||
| $55,000 a year to start. | ||
| And pension. | ||
| And car. | ||
| And car? | ||
| Gasoline? | ||
| Gasoline. | ||
| So he planned ahead? | ||
| He was that type of person? | ||
| Oh, the government's always two steps ahead of you, dog. | ||
| I think the guy was probably like, if I do this, you'll be my friend? | ||
| What are you playing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, terrorist music. | |
| That's terrorist music? | ||
| You know what terrorist music is? | ||
| That John Ashcroft song we played earlier. | ||
| That's terrorism. | ||
| That's fucking terrorist music. | ||
| You know what's terrorism, bro? | ||
| Subway sandwich. | ||
| How is that terrible? | ||
| I was in Nashville. | ||
| You know, across the street from Nashville, it's that Subway sandwich right there. | ||
| How fucking cool is Nashville Zaney's? | ||
| Am I fucking around here? | ||
| No, no, it's amazing. | ||
| And it's nice, people, cool. | ||
| Nashville's a badass town. | ||
| Yeah, Nashville's is a fucking cool town. | ||
| But I was looking at that Subway and I'm like, those motherfuckers sell turkey fucking salami. | ||
| Turkey fucking salami. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they do such bad shit, they don't even give you a full foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, did you see that? | |
| And I knew that from the beginning. | ||
| I know what fucking a foot looks like. | ||
| I knew it was fucking kinky. | ||
| When you get six inches, that's when you know it's not a fucking six inch. | ||
| Because I worked in a lumberyard for fucking years. | ||
| You know what fucking six inches is. | ||
| Right, so the six inch is more like what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like an inch short. | |
| The foot long is like an inch short. | ||
| Everybody I fucking talked to said at one time they got food poisoned from the tuna. | ||
| The tuna's bad? | ||
| And I got it one time. | ||
| I liked the tuna for years, but I got it one time. | ||
| You can't say that, though. | ||
| You can't say that on a podcast. | ||
| We're going to get in trouble. | ||
| No, I'm just telling you what happened to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| Allegedly. | ||
| Between me saying that someone should sell the post office to a private contractor to run it like DPS and... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And this guy ratting out the comedy store? | ||
| Yeah, we've done a... | ||
| This is what happens when we take a few days off. | ||
| We say crazy shit. | ||
| They got the health department on their way right now knocking on a Bully Shore store. | ||
| Yeah, you got a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's in there with a fucking 16-year-old chick in a bus station and shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, they arrest him as a girl enters into that bathroom. | ||
| and the security is hovering over the window looking in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're such a fucking crime. | |
| Yeah, man, you just fucked everybody who has a part of that place, Brian. | ||
| You really did. | ||
| You're a terrible person. | ||
| I knew motherfuckers for years were looking at something. | ||
| I didn't know they were in there looking at pussy. | ||
| I can't even dream of that shit. | ||
| How can you be such a disgusto? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I judge everybody by my acting. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I judge everybody by my acting. | ||
| I'm a fucking piece of shit thief. | ||
| And these disgustos, look at the fucking poor lady's pussy do a fucking thing. | ||
| And to even look in, I mean, I don't understand. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| Fucking unbelievable. | ||
| Well, that's the thing about any open institution, whether it's a comedy store or a park where kids hang out in, you're gonna get all kinds of people. | ||
| You're gonna get real friendly people, and you're gonna get people that suck. | ||
| And at the comedy store, you're gonna have both of that too. | ||
| You know, we've always had those few comedians that would come around and you're like, Jesus Christ, you gotta back up and move away. | ||
| And there's like, they have bad mojo and they're all upset that, you know, why am I on at this time? | ||
| And Joey Diaz is on at this time. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| And they stomp around. | ||
| You always get that, right? | ||
| Always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| People put cameras in bathrooms in other places. | ||
| I see it all the time. | ||
| Chuck Berry. | ||
| Didn't Chuck Berry get in trouble for doing that? | ||
| Oh, in the steakhouses or something? | ||
| Chuck Berry, I believe, got in trouble for doing that. | ||
| I should probably look that up. | ||
| Putting the fucking tape in the bathroom and then going... | ||
| And what do you do? | ||
| Excuse me, you go back at the end of the day and empty the camera looking at people pissing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you asking me? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Because you're into all that shit, you filthy tough sucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't say that. | |
| I don't want to say... | ||
| He's not into that. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| If you take a pee at Brian's house, he's watching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm not. | |
| Yes, he is. | ||
| That motherfucker's watching on his iPhone, trust me. | ||
| That night I gave him the banana bread. | ||
| I caught him with his phone off. | ||
| He was taping somebody at the Ice House, this motherfucker. | ||
| He's got like eight cameras all around the city. | ||
| Oh, this is so not true. | ||
| But I do admit that I was talking to a comic that we are all friends with, and he's like, I want to send you something, because I was talking about the Rub Maps website, and he goes, I have something to send you. | ||
| And he gives it – and I take it and I'm just like two things of keys, like key chains. | ||
| And they're like the little things for your car for the alarm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, why is he sending me these – and I open it up and it's a camera. | |
| And what you do is you put it on your key chain. | ||
| And so then like when you're somewhere like a massage parlor or something like that, you hit record and just put down your keys and it records HD video. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just sent it to me. | |
| He's like, oh, trust me, I have the greatest thing for you. | ||
| Okay, I got a totally wrong story of Chuck Berry. | ||
| Chuck Berry did a lot of wacky shit, but that's not one of them. | ||
| One of the things he did in 1959, he was arrested under the Mann Act that he had sex with a 14-year-old waitress from which he transported over state lines to work as a hat check girl at his club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
14-year-old waitress? | |
| Where do they even have 14-year-old waitress? | ||
| Like a tea party? | ||
| He was convicted, fined $5,000, and sentenced to five years in prison. | ||
| His appeal to the judge's comments and the attitude were racist and prejudiced by the jury against him was upheld, and a second trial was held in May and June of 1961, which resulted in Barry being given a three-year prison sentence. | ||
| After another appeal failed, Barry served one and a half years in prison from February of 1962 to October of 1963. He pleaded guilty to tax evasion, was sentenced to four months in prison and a thousand hours of community service, doing benefit concerts in 1979, and in 1990, Barry pleaded guilty to misdemeanor possession of marijuana. | ||
| Holla! | ||
| The last one, they got him for weed. | ||
| They should have looked at his ledger and gone, this guy's done enough time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| So he transferred? | ||
| He said, listen, baby. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Listen, baby, not only are you going to suck my dick, but I got a job for you. | ||
| As a motherfucking hat check girl. | ||
| 14. 14-year-old hat check girl. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Chuck Berry was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| You know, that was a totally different time in the world, too. | ||
| Imagine the racism that guy felt. | ||
| What about the guy that played the piano? | ||
| He fucked his cousin or something? | ||
| Red Band. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Who are you talking about? | ||
| Oh, Jerry Lee Lewis. | ||
| Yeah, who he fucked. | ||
| He's a pervert. | ||
| Yeah, he fucked his cousin. | ||
| And he might have... | ||
| The allegations were that at one point in time that he killed his wife. | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| Didn't he get in trouble? | ||
| They called him the killer. | ||
| That was actually his nickname. | ||
| What's so funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so fucked up on edibles. | |
| You can tell. | ||
| Look at his eyes. | ||
| You can't even see his eyes. | ||
| I am fucking high right now. | ||
| I didn't smoke pot for over a week. | ||
| You didn't? | ||
| I didn't smoke pot for over a week before the show. | ||
| Now we're off to deep end. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| So this guy fucked this guy and killed this guy? | ||
| Yeah, someone drowned. | ||
| Like, one of his wives drowned. | ||
| Well, who knows? | ||
| She could have just drowned, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Might not have been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what are you doing? | |
| Slandering? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys slandering? | |
| No, no. | ||
| He was so crazy. | ||
| Jerry Lee Lewis was so fucking crazy that him and Chuck Berry were doing a gig together. | ||
| And Chuck Berry played piano too, right? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Was it Chuck Berry that he lit his piano on fire? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that Liberace? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Liberace! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't... | |
| Jerry Lewis. | ||
| It was Jerry Lewis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great Balls of Fire. | |
| Right, but Jerry Lewis lit Chuck Berry's piano on fire. | ||
| I think he did. | ||
| I think he did, and I think he said, like, follow that motherfucker. | ||
| Like, you lit the piano on fire. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I need to pull that up. | ||
| Because maybe I'm just combining scenes and movies. | ||
| Jerry Lee Lewis. | ||
| Chuck Berry. | ||
| No, it's not romantic. | ||
| He was crazy, man. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Jerry Lee Lewis? | ||
| Jerry Lee Lewis was crazy. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that guy was nuts. | ||
| Yeah, he had a fight. | ||
| He got in a fist fight with Chuck Berry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goodness gracious. | |
| Yeah, Jerry Lee Lewis, Chuck Berry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Feud. | |
| Yeah, these were, I mean, think about these type of people. | ||
| I mean, these are wild motherfuckers. | ||
| Just think of Chuck Berry. | ||
| Think of getting in a fight with a guy like Chuck Berry. | ||
| He's doing time, does a year and a half in the pokey for transporting a girl across state lines. | ||
| Tax evasion. | ||
| Apparently he caught the piano on fire, then walked off stage telling Barry, follow that N-word in order to intimidate him. | ||
| Imagine if he actually did say N-word. | ||
| Follow that N-word. | ||
| This is a sad time. | ||
| Sad time. | ||
| Yeah, but it's just that whole lifestyle going into prison and coming out. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I love Chinese food too much. | ||
| I like walking around too much. | ||
| Fuck you, brother. | ||
| Especially in the 60s. | ||
| Especially in the 60s. | ||
| Especially now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Listen, any time that you glorify on television, that's bullshit. | ||
| You're still not seeing your family. | ||
| To be 65 and live your whole life and think that you were a gangster and to get put in jail when you're 50 and have to be 67 in fucking prison, this ain't nobody gonna rape you or beat you up. | ||
| Just a thought. | ||
| Just being your freedom removed. | ||
| And you see these idiots on Discovery Channel, like when they do those prison shows, and when I'm on the road, I'll stay up late writing, but I'll put that channel on, and I watch the interviews of these guys, like, yeah, you know, I did it. | ||
| What the fuck did you do? | ||
| You fucking pissed away a life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You pissed away a fucking life. | ||
| You do two, three years when you're 18. That ain't shit, John Rogan. | ||
| Anybody can do it standing in their fucking head. | ||
| Did you hear about that guy that they just arrested that was living in the woods of Maine by himself? | ||
| He hadn't talked to another person in 30 years and he had been surviving all this time by stealing things from campgrounds. | ||
| Didn't talk to people for 30 fucking years until the police finally arrested him. | ||
| So he was basically like a fucking kid and just disappeared. | ||
| Yeah, 27 years he lived in the woods. | ||
| For 27 years, he didn't speak to another person. | ||
| He just lived in the woods, snuck into campgrounds, stole shit, and went back to his camp. | ||
| And so they arrest this guy. | ||
| He's got this spot, and they have all these pictures of it. | ||
| If you go to the Kennebec Journal, kjonline.com, Kennebec, K-E-N-N-B-E-C, N-N-E-B-E-C, K-E-N-N-E-B-E-C. It's a part of Maine where this guy was. | ||
| Kennebunkport, right? | ||
| That's where Bush had his compound out there, his family, the older Bush. | ||
| But this guy, man, was just living like a character in a movie. | ||
| By himself, not talking to any human beings, and then in the middle of the night, stealing people's shit. | ||
| Pretty nuts, man. | ||
| Charles Bronston's death hunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Living in the fucking hut at night with the dog. | ||
| This is really amazing, man. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Especially in Maine. | ||
| Maine is un-fucking-bearably cold in the winter. | ||
| It's really, really cold. | ||
| New York is cold. | ||
| Boston's colder. | ||
| Maine is a motherfucker. | ||
| There's that feeling when you get out of your car. | ||
| It's a totally different kind of cold. | ||
| Did they show what the inside of his hut looked like? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, they got a video. | ||
| There's a video up there of this guy's place. | ||
| He's got all things hanging, you know, everything's hanging from a wall. | ||
| He even has a clock that he's got taped up to a tree. | ||
| Stole someone's clock. | ||
| Like, stole all this shit and just, like, pack ratted it into this weird sort of tent that he has set up in the middle of the main. | ||
| Fucking all kinds of people, man. | ||
| Did he have heat in there? | ||
| No, he lit fires and shit. | ||
| We're starting to see, because we can get a story like this online so easily and read into it, that he never had anything like this 20 years ago. | ||
| He never got these stories. | ||
| They didn't show it on 2020 or on one of those. | ||
| He never really got this sort of an in-depth look at wackiness. | ||
| And we're getting it every day. | ||
| Every day there's some new dude who gets caught doing something really fucking weird. | ||
| And then you look at him and you go, who is this crazy fuck? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| And then you forget about him because tomorrow it's a dude who's got a pet hippo that he rides around until it eats him. | ||
| And then you go, what a fucking hippo ate him? | ||
| And then the next day it's some other story. | ||
| It's just, it never ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It never ends. | |
| The guy walks into Home Depot yesterday and tried to cut his arm off. | ||
| You hear that? | ||
| No. | ||
| The guy walked into Home Depot, picks up a saw, and starts hacking his fucking arm off. | ||
| Got down to the bone, screaming, fucking howling, cutting his arm. | ||
| They got down to the bone until they stopped him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Really, Joe Diaz? | ||
| I'll stop and think about that for a moment. | ||
| A guy walks into Home Depot and saws his own fucking arm off. | ||
| Can you imagine being in there and watching this shit live? | ||
| You go in there just to get a gallon of fucking paint? | ||
| You gotta put up with this fucking guy now doing this. | ||
| You might be there in the wrong place at the wrong time when that guy does that. | ||
| Or does something even nuttier that harms other people. | ||
| You know, I would like to find out what that guy was on, you know? | ||
| I would love to know what kind of cocktail. | ||
| Half of these guys, life. | ||
| I guarantee life. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They lost their mortgage. | ||
| They lost their house. | ||
| The wife left. | ||
| The kid is on drugs. | ||
| The other kid's a fucking moron. | ||
| God knows. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| There's a lot of life going on. | ||
| That's it, man. | ||
| It's tough for people. | ||
| Right now, you know, you really think about what's going on. | ||
| They got missiles pointed at us, whatever the fuck. | ||
| Listen, if he launches them, I'm sure the United States will do what they can and we'll be fine. | ||
| It's just a thought that it's right there. | ||
| It's right fucking there. | ||
| We're about to be part of this. | ||
| Everything will change. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| You know, what people don't realize who haven't been over there, like you and I, we don't realize what the actual conditions are in that country. | ||
| And when you read about it, it almost seems like fiction. | ||
| You know, when you read about the slave camps and the people who were born in the slave camps and, you know, some of them escape and they tell these stories of, like, how weakened they let people get and then they, like, literally, like, people are eating rats and shit trying to stay alive. | ||
| North Korea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Slave camps, it's horrible, horrible shit. | ||
| Why is there a slave camp? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Well, Vice.com exposed that they have slave camps in Siberia. | ||
| The North Koreans have a slave camp in Siberia. | ||
| And the people in Siberia, they don't even know that they're not in North Korea. | ||
| They think they're in North Korea, but really they're in a slave camp in Siberia. | ||
| It's really fucking crazy. | ||
| And what I can't wrap my head around, I don't think, and I don't think either can you, is that these people are living like Stalinist Russia. | ||
| They're living like a real communist, dictatorial, sort of utopic view of the world. | ||
| Their idea of life is they have dear leader. | ||
| When people didn't cry for dear leader, when the guy died, people who didn't cry got sentenced to six months in jail. | ||
| They sentenced some people to jail because they didn't cry. | ||
| So people, if you ever see the video of people crying, it is the most ridiculous, overproduced, overacted nuttiness that you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| It's people just terrified. | ||
| It's really sad to watch because these people are terrified and they're wandering around crying, just wailing. | ||
| It's so fake looking. | ||
| It looks so fake. | ||
| But it's like they have to put on a show. | ||
| The government is so... | ||
| They're so controlled. | ||
| It's such a horrible dictatorship that if you're not crying for the guy dying, they just throw you in a fucking cage. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The balance of power. | ||
| For whatever reason, people always want to get to that sort of total dictatorial position. | ||
| Like even the guy who there was the overthrowing of the government in Egypt... | ||
| The new people that came in were like, yeah, Wilson, we don't think the law should apply to us. | ||
| And everybody was like, what? | ||
| There was like riots in the street. | ||
| They were like, this is what we just got rid of. | ||
| You're trying to do exactly what the government before you. | ||
| We see where you're going with this, you crazy fucks. | ||
| What is a slave camp? | ||
| What is the purpose of a slave camp? | ||
| They're working. | ||
| They're making things, whatever it is. | ||
| North Korea has almost no money. | ||
| They're unbelievably broke. | ||
| If you fly over North Korea at night, their lights are out. | ||
| They shut their lights off at night. | ||
| Whereas you go over South Korea, it looks like any other part of the world where you see people's lights on. | ||
| North Korea doesn't even have enough money to keep the lights on. | ||
| It's a terrible... | ||
| You can't run a country like that. | ||
| They're not going to profit. | ||
| They're not going to prosper. | ||
| The only way to have a really strong economy is you have a lot of people that are trying to make things happen. | ||
| The people that are in charge and then they're slaves. | ||
| You can't run it like that. | ||
| You know, you can't run it where the entire civilization is under your heel because a strong man is going to prosper. | ||
| A strong woman is going to prosper. | ||
| And anybody that knows they're under the heel of the government like that, they're never going to prosper. | ||
| So the economy is never going to be vital. | ||
| It's never going to be like, no one's going to be out there trying to make shit happen and kick ass and take names and, you know, and keep the economy energized. | ||
| They're fucking terrified. | ||
| They're terrified of these jackbooted thugs coming into their house and locking them in a cage because they weren't fake crying enough. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it's 2013. That's the nuttiest part about it. | ||
| So this is happening right now. | ||
| Just like you and I are taking fucking southwest to San Jose and having a good time and fucking driving to Vegas and waving at people at the gas station. | ||
| These fucking people on another part of the world right now are living a horror movie. | ||
| Could you imagine, man? | ||
| You're living in a horror movie. | ||
| I mean, you literally are living in Star Wars. | ||
| Might as well be Stormtroopers. | ||
| That might as well be Darth Vader. | ||
| You really are. | ||
| I mean, they have nuclear power. | ||
| They have nuclear power, machine guns, tanks, and they're all willing to walk in a straight line with their lifting their leg up at the same time. | ||
| Which is scary for us. | ||
| When everybody moves mindlessly in a unit together. | ||
| Left, right, left, right. | ||
| That scares the shit out of us. | ||
| Because that means you're willing to do whatever the fuck they tell you. | ||
| Once they got you marching like that, left, right, left, right. | ||
| Well, you can't just walk in. | ||
| You're carrying guns. | ||
| How impressive is that? | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Just walk in carrying those guns and everyone's going to shit their pants anyway. | ||
| But you're walking in with that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Left, right, left, right. | |
| What is that? | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| You're letting people know that you got these motherfuckers under control. | ||
| Completely under control. | ||
| And you're doing that while you're in this nightmare of a dictatorial society. | ||
| It's got to be horrific to live over there. | ||
| How fucking lucky are we? | ||
| Oh, we're so lucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're so lucky. | |
| We're so lucky. | ||
| Dude, there's no traffic like New York traffic. | ||
| How bad has it gotten? | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Horrendous. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| It's very bad. | ||
| Horrendous. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| I don't go over. | ||
| That's why I said to you. | ||
| The tunnels and bridges, getting into the tunnels and bridges can be insanity. | ||
| It can be like, okay, this is not happening. | ||
| How long does this take? | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| The amount of humans. | ||
| And by the way, no one's driving. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Everyone's taking cabs. | ||
| So if most of the people in the city are taking cabs, it's the rare few that are clogging it up. | ||
| Like, the amount of traffic does not even closely represent the amount of actual humans, luckily. | ||
| Because the amount of humans is staggering. | ||
| But most of them are not taking cars. | ||
| Let me explain something to you. | ||
| In 94, I was doing comedy, and I went back there. | ||
| I was an open-miker. | ||
| I lived in Sea Caucus, New Jersey. | ||
| I dated a girl on 15th and 9th Avenue by Honda of Manhattan. | ||
| Joe Rogan, I'm telling you, I could get in my car at a quarter of 8 and be in Manhattan at 10 after 8. You know me. | ||
| I'll tell you how the fuck it is. | ||
| I'd pick her up. | ||
| My show would be at 9 at the New York Comedy Club. | ||
| About three years ago, I went into New York City. | ||
| I had to pick my buddy up at the bus station. | ||
| I had never seen anything like that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I thought it was going to take me an hour tops. | ||
| Took me four fucking hours. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not shocked. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Then there's nothing I want to do there anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to go get a hot dog. | ||
| I'll take the bus and the train over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha, ha. | |
| But I'm out of there. | ||
| Taking a car over, those days are done. | ||
| I was hanging out with Shane Smith from Vice.com. | ||
| He lives in New York and he has this view out of his window that it's like mountains. | ||
| It doesn't even seem real. | ||
| His view is like you're looking at mountains. | ||
| They're mechanical mountains that people have created. | ||
| It's more beautiful even than the mountains. | ||
| The New York City skyline is fucking staggering. | ||
| It's so impressive that it's almost worth being there just to see it on a regular basis because It really is like a work of art. | ||
| Just like the mountains are. | ||
| The reason why people are willing to pay for paintings and shit, because it makes you feel good when you see something badass. | ||
| When you look at something, something beautiful. | ||
| Like this sculpture that this gentleman sent me. | ||
| It's the Buddha for my tattoo. | ||
| I love art. | ||
| I like looking at shit that someone made. | ||
| I like things that are beautiful. | ||
| But the New York City skyline is one of the most beautiful things you could see. | ||
| When that thing's all lit up and the cars are moving, you're like, whoa! | ||
| I've never seen a painting that makes me do that. | ||
| I never see a painting. | ||
| I see a painting and I go, wow, that's cool. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Oh, that's badass. | ||
| But I never see a painting that makes me sit down and open my jaw and go, whoa. | ||
| But the New York City skyline will make you go, whoa. | ||
| It'll make you sit back. | ||
| If you look at it from one of those dudes who's got some crazy building with a giant window. | ||
| A lot of those people, they have those 180-degree views. | ||
| People with crazy cash and giant apartments. | ||
| Their view is the greatest view in the world. | ||
| Their view is amazing. | ||
| Seeing all that skyline, those lights, and the cars moving. | ||
| I totally get it now. | ||
| I totally get why people would be addicted to living there. | ||
| That's the main thing. | ||
| That whole... | ||
| Like I told you, living in New York is living like John Lennon. | ||
| If you don't live in New York, you don't live like John Lennon. | ||
| If not, it's fucking tough. | ||
| That's a tough fucking place to live. | ||
| And if you have to come here from Brooklyn to Manhattan, you know, it's fucking tough. | ||
| Well, John Lennon's a perfect example, though, of why it's crazy about him. | ||
| Some dude's just waiting outside of where he knows you live. | ||
| Some wacky dude that wants to shoot you. | ||
| In a secured building. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't matter. | ||
| People know that you live in that secured building and you're John Lennon. | ||
| I mean, John Lennon was one of the most famous human beings on the planet Earth. | ||
| They didn't care if this guy's living in this building. | ||
| It's a nutty way to live. | ||
| Stacked on top, everybody. | ||
| But, God, so beautiful. | ||
| And we were there, and there was a lightning storm broke out. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| To be on, like, the 40th floor of a hotel and look out the window, you see lightning dance across the sky. | ||
| It's like, holy fuck. | ||
| This is, like, one of the coolest shows you could ever see. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| New York has stuff that really moves me. | ||
| You know what's terrorist dog? | ||
| Subway sandwich. | ||
| That's a terrorist right there. | ||
| They already got something up. | ||
| They already got that up. | ||
| They already got a meme up. | ||
| People were not friendly there, though, man. | ||
| That's the weird thing, is the dealing with that constant stress. | ||
| That went away after 9-11. | ||
| After 9-11, people were super friendly there for a while. | ||
| We filmed Fear Factor there in like 2002, I think. | ||
| Maybe it might have been 2003. But everybody was so friendly. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| It was like when we went there, people were like, you could noticeably see that there was like an extra effort that people made to be nice to people. | ||
| I felt it. | ||
| It was like I felt it in the air. | ||
| And I remember thinking, hmm, how long will this last? | ||
| This is like this new change of the way people are behaving in New York. | ||
| I wonder how long it'll last. | ||
| It lasted a long time. | ||
| It lasted quite a few years before I started feeling like it was back to normal again. | ||
| This last trip, it's back to normal. | ||
| It's totally back, yeah. | ||
| People are... | ||
| They're just some people. | ||
| I mean, there's plenty of nice folks in New York, just like there's plenty of nice folks everywhere. | ||
| We met a lot of nice folks. | ||
| The funny thing is, when I walk in New York, there's some stuff that just fucking moves me. | ||
| And it moves me because I remember coming over from Cuba and walking to Manhattan and being a little kid. | ||
| I remember walking down Broadway and seeing the first wall poster to Her Majesty's Secret Service. | ||
| That's a James Bond movie with an in-between James Bond. | ||
| His name was George Lazenby. | ||
| He was in between Roger Moore, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, look it up. | ||
| Diana Rigg. | ||
| Kojak was in the movie. | ||
| It's called Our Majesty's Secret Service. | ||
| Came out like in 1969, maybe 68, maybe 70. How many James Bonds were there? | ||
| The new one's the best. | ||
| That guy's fucking badass. | ||
| No, that guy's great. | ||
| He's badass. | ||
| He's badass. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| But Roger Moore's good, too. | ||
| Roger Moore's good. | ||
| But Roger Moore can't fuck with Sean Connery. | ||
| Sean Connery is better than Roger Moore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| All right, these are the men. | ||
| David Niven was the first one. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Chase, this is crazy. | ||
| Barry Nelson was the first one in 1954, even before Sean Connery. | ||
| So Sean Connery was 62 to 1971, and again, he came back, don't call it a comeback, in 83. Took a 12-year hiatus and then came back with a new wig. | ||
| And then there's David Niven. | ||
| Who the fuck's David Niven? | ||
| They tried David Niven out in 67. Right. | ||
| That shit didn't work. | ||
| And then they tried George Lazenby. | ||
| They tried that out in 69. That's the movie, yeah. | ||
| And then there's another guy. | ||
| Christopher Cazenove? | ||
| Cazenove? | ||
| Yeah, it's C-A-Z-E-N-O-V-E. And then Roger Moore from 73 to 85. Which ones did Roger Moore do? | ||
| Live and Let Die? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| But do you remember Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan? | ||
| There was two duds in a row. | ||
| Two, like, fucking total duds. | ||
| We're like, get out of here, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're both like the same person, too. | |
| Yes! | ||
| It's probably Timothy Dalton was talking shit, and they go look, too. | ||
| We got Pierce Brosnan on speed dial. | ||
| Let's fucking do this. | ||
| I thought Pierce Bronson would probably be good, but no. | ||
| Let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Both those guys, I can't imagine those guys kicking anybody's ass, ever. | ||
| I imagine them getting hit and just start crying. | ||
| But Daniel Craig, I could see that guy kicking someone's ass. | ||
| I totally, 100% buy it. | ||
| I think he's the best one of all time. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| He seems like a killer. | ||
| When I'm watching him, he seems like the type of guy who would be a problem-drinking, womanizing, trained killer. | ||
| It all came together in the most realistic version of it. | ||
| But I had a lot of people who said it sucked, man. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| This dude posted on this message board that I go to how fucking everybody told him it was the best Bond ever. | ||
| He's like, holy shit, was it a piece of garbage? | ||
| I was like, man, I didn't get that. | ||
| I thought he was great. | ||
| Get Roger Moore a shot again. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I'm telling you, dog, live and let die. | ||
| Roger Moore. | ||
| I'm telling you, that was his smoothness. | ||
| That was his patois, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That was his patois. | ||
| He talked to you the whole time he had his finger up your ass. | ||
| That's the whole thing about those guys. | ||
| That's what it means to be fucking James Bond. | ||
| That's what it means? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The swab, debonair, finger up your ass? | ||
| Bro, he was a swab. | ||
| I'm telling you, I didn't think so either. | ||
| See, I grew up on The Saint. | ||
| When The Saint, you know, was popular when I moved here. | ||
| What was The Saint? | ||
| Roger Moore. | ||
| The Saint? | ||
| It was a TV show with a circle around his fucking head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Get the fuck out of here? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| Watch Roger Moore, The Saint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| His own TV show, yeah. | ||
| He had a halo? | ||
| Yeah, that was the commercial for it. | ||
| Fucking Halo. | ||
| That was the name of the show. | ||
| The Mentalist. | ||
| The Mentalist of the Mentalist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the saint. | ||
| Oh, that is so funny. | ||
| I never heard of this. | ||
| It was the saint fucking show, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The saint. | |
| Yeah, tremendous. | ||
| What was better, that or that Danny Bonaduce show? | ||
| The best bet. | ||
| Listen, bro, I'm going to drop some shows on you. | ||
| It's going to bust your fucking head. | ||
| I'm going to tell you some good shows right now. | ||
| It Takes a Fucking Thief with Robin motherfucking Wagner. | ||
| How about the Wild Wild West? | ||
| It's on now. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| At night. | ||
| I watched that from time to time. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| And my head blows up, bro. | ||
| That was a fucking tremendous thing. | ||
| I love the Wild Wild West. | ||
| What was that handsome bastard's name? | ||
| What was that guy's name? | ||
| That was the curly-haired brunette dude. | ||
| And then Bruce, what's his name? | ||
| Knocked his battery off my shoulder. | ||
| Will Smith came back to play it, right? | ||
| He played it later in... | ||
| Please, don't insult me. | ||
| Please, I'm not talking about this. | ||
| There's no black people in the Wild Wild West, all right? | ||
| It was two white dudes. | ||
| The guy's name, remember in the 70s, that commercial? | ||
| Knocked that battery off my shoulder, I dare you. | ||
| I believe it was a tough dude and shit, remember? | ||
| Yeah, that series was 65 to 69, Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| The Wild West TV series. | ||
| Come on, now. | ||
| 65 to 69. And the guy was Robert Conrad and his buddy Ross Martin, who never got any credit, man. | ||
| Ross got the shaft. | ||
| Nobody gave Ross any credit, damn it. | ||
| That was a good show. | ||
| I didn't know it was only four years. | ||
| I used to love that show when I was a little kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| That show. | ||
| The Wild Wild West. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, please. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| That was WOR. The Wild Wild West. | ||
| It Takes the Thief. | ||
| Those are Channel 9 shows. | ||
| Then Channel 11 shows with the Honeymooners, The Odd Couple, Sand for the Sun, The Twilight Zone. | ||
| So you had them all. | ||
| But Benny Hill was on WOR. That was the beginning of my comedy career, watching Benny Hill. | ||
| If you're not a Benny Hill fan, I can't talk to you. | ||
| If some way you don't look at me and go, yeah, Benny Hill, Joey, you're a fucking animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can't really do it. | |
| And you watched it because you thought a tit was going to pop out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because once a week, somebody showed their tit on television. | ||
| Did it actually show a real tit? | ||
| Bro, they showed something. | ||
| Like a nipple or at least... | ||
| Oh, you would go crazy. | ||
| You would go crazy. | ||
| Everybody in school knew the next day. | ||
| Everybody got together talking. | ||
| They showed their tit last night. | ||
| I think you guys hallucinated. | ||
| I don't think they ever actually... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They never actually did it. | |
| But they get close. | ||
| They got real close. | ||
| And you lost your... | ||
| When you're 11, you lose your mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Your face gets red, you get dizzy. | ||
| Yeah, you get sick. | ||
| Couldn't believe it's happening. | ||
| There's certain shows that were awesome for kids. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I guess that's how we're looking at things today. | ||
| We look at shows that are terrible and like, who the fuck is watching this? | ||
| But for a little kid, the show would still be pretty badass. | ||
| My biggest crush ever was Walona. | ||
| From Good Times. | ||
| In fact, I still see that fine black bitch at auditions, and I tell her, you sexy motherfucker. | ||
| She goes, oh, thank you, sugar. | ||
| She's about 80, and she's still banging with a wig on her. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| The black chick from Good Times. | ||
| What was her name? | ||
| Winona, the one that lives upstairs, the chick. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| She's still in the fucking knockout. | ||
| But then the other one died, right? | ||
| Shirley? | ||
| Shirley Hemple? | ||
| Was she from Good Times? | ||
| No, she was from the other one. | ||
| The one with Rerun. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| That was the one with re-run on it, and all those fucking people. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Shirley Heffer was on, uh... | ||
| What's Happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kicking It. | |
| Right, right, right. | ||
| What's Happening? | ||
| Kicking It. | ||
| Was she on Kicking It as well? | ||
| What is Kicking It? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Meatball King. | |
| It's funny when you look back on shows. | ||
| Some shows fucking hang in there, man. | ||
| Like, All in the Family still hangs in there. | ||
| You know what still hangs in there? | ||
| Prince songs. | ||
| Prince songs are still fucking badass. | ||
| I was in a store And I Wanna Be Your Lover came on, and I was like, wow. | ||
| This is like 1980, whatever the fuck it was, 81 or something like that. | ||
| And I was like, this song is still badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should go see Prince. | |
| All of us should go eat some mushrooms and eat some. | ||
| If I tell you what was on on the way up here, you motherfuckers. | ||
| I was in the car. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about traffic or the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| You know one of those baddest songs, the one later on? | ||
| Oh, I have time. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great song. | ||
| Sign of the Times. | ||
| Sign of the Times. | ||
| That's a great song, man. | ||
| That thing he was doing in Vegas where it was like you would pay 500, 200 people at the Pearl, I guess. | ||
| I'm not sure people don't attack me. | ||
| Yeah, he would do a really small venue for a lot of money. | ||
| 500, but you have to call the songs. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| And you would say, you know, just to, I always, look, look, Kid Rock to you might be some fucking redneck, okay? | ||
| And he probably is, and his uncle does Matt or whatever, but it doesn't really matter. | ||
| One thing about Kid Rock is he knows music. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, one thing about comedy is I may not be the funniest guy in the world, but I love watching old comedy to see where I came from. | ||
| Yeah, like Jonathan Winters died. | ||
| We talked about that. | ||
| I'm a big fucking Lenny Bruce guy and Jackie Gleason. | ||
| I love to watch that stuff. | ||
| And when I talk to somebody, and when you talk to somebody, you might not like something about them, but just the people they admire, you understand where they come from. | ||
| We were talking about this earlier when somebody insults you on Twitter, and you go to their page and go, I get it! | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| They're riding around with a wig on or some shit. | ||
| I understand now why they repeated this. | ||
| Well, it's the same thing with me with comics. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| That all combines. | ||
| I like to know what people, like you, we talk about Hicks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The other day I was thinking about you because one of my influences also was Lenny Clark. | ||
| Believe it or not. | ||
| Oh yeah, I believe it. | ||
| I'm telling you, I love Lenny Clark. | ||
| Did he become a major star or whatever? | ||
| Yeah, to me he was because he made me get off my fucking ass. | ||
| I liked what he was doing on stage. | ||
| You know, Lenny, the other guy from Boston I liked too. | ||
| There's a couple guys from Boston that I really, really fucking liked. | ||
| That they might not be stars to you, But they're stars to me. | ||
| I thought so, you know? | ||
| Yeah, there was a, you know, we came from an era, there was a lot of great comics from like the 80s and 90s. | ||
| Like we were talking about Herrera, who don't get recognized today. | ||
| There was some guys, there was some goddamn killers. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron is one who doesn't get nearly enough credit. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron, yeah. | ||
| Because he, you know, tripped over his own addictions in his life. | ||
| But that guy, at times, was like one of the best comics I've ever seen. | ||
| I'm going to tell you something, dog. | ||
| I listened to an old Hedberg album the other day. | ||
| And I had to stop and check myself and I realized how bad I really was as a fucking comic. | ||
| I was listening to them in the car down the Comedy Channel in Nashville. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking what a great town, just driving through. | ||
| I got a great hamburger the other night. | ||
| This place, Jimmy Kelly's. | ||
| Are you thinking about moving there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The humidity got me. | ||
| It's hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It gets hot. | ||
| That's it, guys. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Guys, that's the one that... | ||
| In Nashville itself, it's safe, but when I was there, I was talking about how you drive 50 miles in any direction, and you're in a zombie movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really, it's what it's like. | ||
| I mean, you're driving through the dark areas of Tennessee. | ||
| Like, you can get through some weird spots. | ||
| You motherfuckers don't know dark. | ||
| Well, I know what you're... | ||
| Athletic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what you mean. | |
| You mean athletic, as my... | ||
| But I went to a spot where my in-laws are from. | ||
| Mylon and all that, where Mike Byron is from. | ||
| He's from Trenton and all that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You motherfuckers don't know nothing about that. | ||
| You don't know what nighttime is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You have no idea, gentlemen. | ||
| I went outside the door and I saw the wolves. | ||
| They just threw wolves everywhere to get the deer population down. | ||
| But they're killing something else now. | ||
| And every night, my in-laws got the dog outside in the fucking balcony. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And there's wolves out there? | ||
| There's wolves out there. | ||
| Not wolves, the other ones. | ||
| Coyotes? | ||
| Coyotes out there. | ||
| They brought them in to keep the deer population out. | ||
| The deer population out. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Isn't that fucking amazing? | ||
| Let's bring in some monsters to eat the food. | ||
| This is what I'm saying. | ||
| So now they're killing something else now. | ||
| Oh, they were killing the rabbits. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They were killing the fucking rabbits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coyotes. | |
| But one night, you could hear them out there. | ||
| I'm 50 yards from... | ||
| They introduced them? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| So that was wild. | ||
| I like that style of living, but man, let me tell you something. | ||
| That style of living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me tell you something, my friend. | |
| To know that, like, I wanted a cup of coffee one night. | ||
| I didn't want to bother nobody. | ||
| Because this time, I usually stay at a hotel, but it's too far. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's too fucking far from the house. | ||
| I mean, they're out there, Joe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Out there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| House is beautiful, land is paid for, gorgeous, but they're out there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like one night I was like, Terry, I'm thinking this place. | ||
| She goes, you know, if you go get a cup of coffee, it's 40 fucking minutes. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Each way. | ||
| Like 30 or something. | ||
| 30 minutes. | ||
| But you don't know where you're going. | ||
| So it's going to be 45. Here's my question. | ||
| What's more healthy? | ||
| That or New York? | ||
| Because I don't know. | ||
| Because sometimes I think New York is more healthy, but in being there just for over a couple of days and comparing the pace of certain places I've been to, like Boulder, and then comparing it to New York and dealing with the people, I can't say it's like New York people are shitty people. | ||
| It's not it. | ||
| The percentage of the people that I ran into was very, very small that were not nice. | ||
| But those you might not ever run into in Boulder. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| The possibility of, like, rudeness was there in a way that isn't in other spots. | ||
| So I gotta think about, well, why are people like that? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| What is it that causes people to be rude? | ||
| Is it just, there's too many of us? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I think that's part of it. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think there's a certain number of people, when you get stuck in a certain amount of traffic, in a certain amount of lines, a certain amount of waiting, a certain amount of frustration, it's not worth it. | ||
| Everybody, everybody in this fucking room right now, at one time or another, Their voices got loud with somebody at some point. | ||
| That's the answer to why people are rude. | ||
| The problem with us is we caught it. | ||
| In New York, there's just so much... | ||
| I still have it. | ||
| I still have it at times. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| I grew up in that mentality. | ||
| It's in me. | ||
| It's who the fuck I am. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But I don't get it all the time. | ||
| I don't get somebody being mean to you on the fucking belt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a difference between rudeness. | ||
| In fact, there's some rudeness that you appreciate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, thank fucking God we got more people like that around to make this lady push a little bit. | ||
| Right, a little bit, yeah. | ||
| But there's another type. | ||
| That rudeness I can't live with at this point in my life. | ||
| And when I was younger, I would confront it. | ||
| I would confront it. | ||
| Now I don't confront it anymore. | ||
| But then on the other hand, you got about New York. | ||
| People are more street smart. | ||
| They just are. | ||
| There's people that are hipper. | ||
| They just seem to be more on top of things. | ||
| They're less obsessed with Hollywood. | ||
| I think that's a really bad thing about the area we live in. | ||
| No, that's the worst. | ||
| That's what I repeat over and over and over again. | ||
| In this area particularly, listen, this is very funny because I didn't think about this until I was on stage. | ||
| I dare you, Brian. | ||
| I dare you to get a fucking parking ticket and be 45 minutes late to court. | ||
| I dare any of you motherfuckers to be late to court. | ||
| And Steve, you don't get a bench warrant issued, and when you get there, you have to redo all the paperwork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Why is Lindsay Lohan always an hour late for court? | ||
| And it's cute. | ||
| You know, Michael Jackson showed up with pajamas, an hour late for court. | ||
| Pajamas! | ||
| And they try to be strict, like, Michael, you know you're 46 minutes late for court. | ||
| Come with this fucking fact Cuban to court late one time. | ||
| And see what happens after that fucking half hour. | ||
| There's strategies to it. | ||
| Let's pretend you got a parking ticket, a speeding ticket. | ||
| And you know the cop, a lot of times, this is the best strategy that my attorney in Jersey would do. | ||
| He would always tell the cop, yeah, show up. | ||
| And then he would call and go, Rogan's running late. | ||
| But he would tell the court clerk, so it would never get to the judge. | ||
| So the judge would issue a bench warrant for you, and we'd wait for the cop to leave the building. | ||
| Then we'd sneak you in around the back, and we'd just say, you got caught in traffic. | ||
| They redo your bench warrant. | ||
| There's nobody to testify. | ||
| You're in the speeding ticket. | ||
| And they drop the charge and the ticket. | ||
| That's old school. | ||
| That's Uncle Joey dropping knowledge on a motherfucker right there. | ||
| But there's other situations where you don't want to be late for court. | ||
| Especially if you're going for rehab or Michael Jackson with molesting fucking kids. | ||
| That's why writing it. | ||
| That tells you right there. | ||
| I've been to courts before. | ||
| Even both. | ||
| The nicest people in the world get to court ten minutes late. | ||
| They don't even let you in the fucking door. | ||
| Once they close that door in Boulder, sorry, go to the third floor. | ||
| That means they handcuff you and go through the whole fucking thing all over again. | ||
| It's like the idea that you can come to a place and this is the place to go if you want to get famous. | ||
| This is the place. | ||
| And the whole entertainment industry, this is the main hub of it. | ||
| You're going to get a lot of cool people too. | ||
| Look at all the cool people that we know that all live here. | ||
| Look at how many cool friends we have that all live here. | ||
| You get a lot of goddamn cool people too. | ||
| You get people that have gotten through the whole thing and sort of figured it out and relaxed and settled in and then, you know, understood how to work within the parameters of the business without getting caught up in it and becoming, you know, one of those weird lost Hollywood type people. | ||
| This is my beef. | ||
| I think it's your beef also, too. | ||
| And Red Band doesn't look at it this way. | ||
| And I've always thought about it because I'm 50. But I go for auditions, which you don't. | ||
| And I see a little bit more of this bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I once saw girls, maybe six years old, that were adorable. | ||
| I walked into a room this big that was packed, but these two little girls that were six... | ||
| Decided they were going to take 20 of their headshots and put them all over the floor. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And I heard the one girl say something to the other. | ||
| Girls, you got to move this. | ||
| And the one little girl said, my daddy's a director or something like that. | ||
| Okay, so this is my problem, guys. | ||
| Me, I'm a piece of shit. | ||
| I'll live anywhere. | ||
| Do you really want to raise a child here? | ||
| You know, I don't want... | ||
| Bro, the values of life here are judged differently than what they are in Chicago or Boston. | ||
| And you might look down on that. | ||
| Some people might look down on that, but I don't. | ||
| I never don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Well, I think for us, there's like, first of all, This is the only place where there's such a conglomeration of those people. | ||
| So if you live your whole life and you never come in contact with them, it can be kind of shocking when you're around a bunch of actors or a bunch of Hollywood types. | ||
| But one of the real problems is there's not any other business that's looked at like that prominently here. | ||
| It's so overwhelming. | ||
| There's so many people that are involved in it. | ||
| That kids, like, automatically sort of gravitate towards it. | ||
| They're like, everybody wants to be famous. | ||
| They gravitate towards it. | ||
| Whereas in Denver, who the fuck is going to be famous? | ||
| Like, you want to be famous? | ||
| That's a real goddamn pipe dream if you're living in Boston. | ||
| You know, it's a real goddamn pipe dream. | ||
| But if you're living in Hollywood, it seems like it's attainable. | ||
| Oh, my God, we saw this guy at the mall. | ||
| And then we were there, we saw this. | ||
| And then we went to an audition, and we saw Ben Affleck. | ||
| You know, it just becomes more of a focal point. | ||
| And there's not enough other shit here. | ||
| Let me ask you something. | ||
| Have you ever seen any paparazzi pictures of Joe Rogan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe? | |
| Hey, dude. | ||
| Never! | ||
| I'll tell you later. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm just saying why. | ||
| Because Joe doesn't want paparazzi pictures. | ||
| Well, suddenly then I don't do all that shit. | ||
| No, I understand. | ||
| I don't like to go to parties. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm just saying, even anywhere. | ||
| Listen, if you go to the Laurel Canyon Farmer's Market with your family now on Sunday, there's paparazzis there at 10-15. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm telling you right now because I've seen them. | ||
| I encountered a bunch in New York. | ||
| I'm not saying nothing bad about paparazzis or anything. | ||
| I'm just making a point. | ||
| If you want people taking pictures of you, people take motherfucking pictures of you. | ||
| If you don't want to, you don't want to. | ||
| People will not bother you. | ||
| People don't bother you. | ||
| People don't bother Adam Carolla. | ||
| The people that are in the limelight want to be in the limelight. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of folks that do things on purpose for sure. | ||
| I just read something the other night that was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was talking to my friend the other day who's a paparazzi, and he's like, you want to go to the LAX tonight? | |
| I'm like, why? | ||
| He goes, well, here, I got Lindsay Lohan's boarding pass. | ||
| She's flying in at 5.30 a.m. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| How do you have this? | ||
| I watched something the other day, or read it. | ||
| I read it online about Jamie Presley. | ||
| Did you guys read that story? | ||
| What? | ||
| About her getting into a beef in Hollywood because the chick stole? | ||
| This is hysterical. | ||
| So her assistant, somebody stole her assistant's purse. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You heard about this? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She went to Hollywood to get the assistant's purse back, but they had something in the purse that let you know that the purse... | ||
| Like a GPS or something? | ||
| Like a GPS. The phone was in the purse, and they pointed to this bar, Where they were having the celebrity stud out. | ||
| So Jamie Presley showed up and yelled at the girl. | ||
| But then it turned out that in that purse were drugs. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| So the cops showed up and then nobody knew who the purse it was. | ||
| Like once they got there, like, no, no, that ain't my purse. | ||
| You guys were just, they got into a fight over the fucking purse. | ||
| But once the cops got there and they opened the purse, it was like blow and steroids in there or some shit. | ||
| No way. | ||
| And everybody was like, that ain't our fucking purse no more. | ||
| It ain't our fuck. | ||
| We don't even know what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey. | |
| It's always a pleasure, my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey, do you remember this? | |
| You on MADtv on The Sopranos? | ||
| Why must you torment me every time I come on this fucking show? | ||
| It's so funny you just put that up. | ||
| I saw James Gandolfini walking around in New York. | ||
| How big is he? | ||
| He's a big guy. | ||
| Big guy. | ||
| I saw him in that movie, Killing Him Softly. | ||
| It's actually a pretty fucking good movie, man. | ||
| Isn't it a good movie? | ||
| It's a pretty fucking good movie. | ||
| I knew anything Brad Pitt puts out is solid. | ||
| They killed that fucking movie. | ||
| I don't know why they killed it. | ||
| I enjoyed that movie. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| It was one of those under the radar. | ||
| Brad Pitt's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| How good was Gandolfini? | ||
| Gandolfini's a killer. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| He's a killer. | ||
| I don't know if you know what happens in this country every day at 5 o'clock now. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Every day at 5 o'clock, they started the Sopranos from scratch at HBO. They brought them back because it was just too overwhelming. | ||
| HBO took them back from A&E, and they said, it's over. | ||
| We're going to play them every day, and they're doing season one. | ||
| Watching them on A&E was torturous. | ||
| Torturous! | ||
| Cutting out all the swears and all the bad shit. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| The other day I watched the episode, the third episode of the season, when they take the power back. | ||
| When Jackie April dies, they go to hospital. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That is one of the best written shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Of all... | ||
| And Gandolfini was very... | ||
| I forgot how good he really was. | ||
| Everybody else was subpar. | ||
| He was... | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's fucking amazing. | ||
| He plays a total psycho and is killing them softly. | ||
| And it's so fucking believable. | ||
| It's so believable. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen the preview for the guy that did District 9, his next movie with Matt Damon in it? | |
| Um, no. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, it looks fucking amazing. | |
| Uh... | ||
| Do you remember the name? | ||
| What was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it takes place like a hundred years in the future and the trailer is so badass. | |
| It looks amazing. | ||
| Well, I was in New York this past weekend for the upfronts for sci-fi for this new show that I'm doing that I can now talk about that I don't get in trouble called Joe Rogan Questions Everything. | ||
| But they got this new show called Defiance that's coming out. | ||
| It's a combination video game and science fiction show. | ||
| Dude, it looks insane. | ||
| It's a huge, huge, huge project that the sci-fi channel is undertaking. | ||
| And is the sci-fi channel where Battlestar Galactica came from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| Was that it? | ||
| Did they do Biosar Galaxia? | ||
| Battlestar Galactica was one of my favorite fucking shows ever. | ||
| That remake of Battlestar Galactica, it took till season two for Brian Callen to convince me that I should check it out. | ||
| It was fucking tremendous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2154. What is it? | |
| This is that new movie. | ||
| It's called Elysium. | ||
| And it has Matt Damon in it. | ||
| And just look at that though. | ||
| Look at that right there. | ||
| That's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it was sci-fi that did Battlestar Galactica. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's supposed to be 2154, I think. | |
| Really long in the future. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| Matt Damon's all buffing it and shit. | ||
| But it's just like District 9. Oh my god, this looks sick. | ||
| I know. | ||
| When is this coming out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| August 9th. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to get to Elysium. | |
| But yeah, it looks pretty sweet. | ||
| Wow, this looks incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He upgrades his body, you know? | |
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His body is like... | ||
| that shit's drilled into his body? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's upgraded his body. | |
| Holy fuck. | ||
| You know that's coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa This is like some Mad Max type shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh Yeah, totally. | |
| Dude, when does this come out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
August 9th. | |
| Oh, this looks awful, Jodie Foster. | ||
| It's very District Rain-y looking too. | ||
| Except no aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That we know of. | |
| That we know of? | ||
| You mean there might be aliens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There might be aliens in there. | |
| Why do you say that? | ||
| You're just making shit up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I said you don't know. | |
| I'm gonna be looking for aliens now. | ||
| I'm gonna be all, like, hoping there's an alien. | ||
| It looks badass though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That looks pretty dope. | ||
| But I prefer aliens. | ||
| You know, if you're going to be all in the future and shit, I want to see something that's not real. | ||
| I want to see Starship Troopers. | ||
| I want to see giant bug people. | ||
| I want to see, like, the movie alien, like the Sigourney Weaver alien. | ||
| That's the shit, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the shit. | |
| That's my movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the shit, folks. | |
| Before we go, can I just pump Sacramento? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sacramento, next month, 5-3, 5-4, May 3rd and 4th. | |
| We're going to be in Sacramento with Tony Hinchcliffe and Sam Tripoli. | ||
| And then San Francisco, Sunday, May 5th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're doing one show there. | |
| Tickets are on sale right now. | ||
| And then tonight, me and Joey Diaz are at Ice House with a couple other guys. | ||
| And Joey will also be at Flappers on Tuesday for Tom Segura's benefit for his dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'll be there too. | |
| And Brian and Ari is going to be there as well. | ||
| And I'll be there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you heard the lineup? | |
| It's sick. | ||
| Yeah, it's a crazy lineup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like us and then Burt Kreischer's going to be there. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| And it's all for the aid of Tommy's dog. | ||
| He got a dog that got really, really sick. | ||
| So they're putting the dog to hospital care and all this stuff, and it costs a lot of money. | ||
| So we're taking care of our buddy Tommy. | ||
| Please come and support. | ||
| It's Tuesday at Flappers. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Thanks for all the powerful love out there from the internet. | ||
| We appreciate the shit out of you guys. | ||
| April 19th, I'm in Miami. | ||
| You were in San Jose, but you sold out already. | ||
| So help me out April 19th. | ||
| Jackie Gleason Theater. | ||
| You're at the Fillmore? | ||
| Yeah, the Fillmore. | ||
| Two shows, 8 and 10 o'clock. | ||
| Go to the South Beach Comedy Festival. | ||
| Bill Burr's there Thursday. | ||
| Tracy Morgan's there. | ||
| Silverman's there. | ||
| It's a nice little fucking lineup. | ||
| I'm only there. | ||
| I'll be back here 420, smoking dope somewhere. | ||
| But make sure if you're West Palm Jews, come on down. | ||
| Fuck Fort Lauderdale Jews, come on down, cocksuckers! | ||
| I did that gig a couple of years ago with Tom. | ||
| Me and Tom Segura did it. | ||
| It's fucking fun. | ||
| The Miami Comedy Festival is really fun. | ||
| I need to start doing it every year. | ||
| I couldn't do it this year, though. | ||
| I had something booked already. | ||
| You know what's really done in my West Palm Beach this year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
West Palm Beach is badass. | |
| I was very impressed this year, guys. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| Four shows. | ||
| Bing, bang, boom. | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| 2,400 people in and out of there. | ||
| Good sets. | ||
| Good energy. | ||
| Keep doing that one. | ||
| Oh, we're in. | ||
| We're in. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| You know what else, too? | ||
| It's like, what's happening now is all these clubs that we go to, we're bringing our crowd. | ||
| So you're getting all these really fun, positive people. | ||
| No matter where we go, we're getting them everywhere. | ||
| Nashville was fucking outstanding. | ||
| Nashville was fucking outstanding. | ||
| Outstanding. | ||
| Outstanding. | ||
| Indianapolis was outstanding. | ||
| The Debt Squad Nashville, I want to give all these Debt Squad charters are fucking real. | ||
| Yeah, all you. | ||
| Lifting, you bad, crazy motherfuckers. | ||
| Just please keep it together. | ||
| On our behalf, don't let any government agents infiltrate and start to fuck up the group, a la the Juggalos. | ||
| There's already a government. | ||
| They're trying to find out where the weed is. | ||
| Once weed will become legal, they have nothing to talk about us for. | ||
| We're not really looking to overthrow anything. | ||
| Just relax, government agents. | ||
| And I'm in Austin, too, next month, having a good time. | ||
| I can't wait to go eat some good food. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I love Austin. | ||
| I'm headed to a seminar in Austin for the TV show. | ||
| I gotta go talk to some doctors about some wacky disease. | ||
| So when you come back, you're beautiful, baby. | ||
| You're beautiful, baby, too. | ||
| New Brunswick, bitches! | ||
| New Brunswick. | ||
| J.L. Sonnen. | ||
| It's basically sold out. | ||
| Now, who else is on that card? | ||
| I don't think there's any tickets available for our show. | ||
| Can you please tell me who's on that card? | ||
| I do not have it in front of me, but I'll pull it up and take us a second. | ||
| What's up, B-Ray? | ||
| While I'm taking a second, let's thank our sponsors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| I'd like to thank Stamps.com, you bad motherfuckers. | ||
| Again, if you have ever ordered any of those deskwad.tv t-shirts from Brian Redman, all of those came from the software that Brian uses from Stamps.com. | ||
| It is an excellent service. | ||
| You don't have to go to the post office ever again. | ||
| You can sit at home. | ||
| You use their software. | ||
| You measure it. | ||
| If you use the code word JRE, there's a microphone. | ||
| If you click it in the upper right-hand corner and in the code name JRE, that's Joe Rogan Experience, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You get a free digital scale, and it's, what is it, a $110 offer? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| $110 bonus offer. | ||
| $55, up to $55 free postage and digital scale. | ||
| It's a dope service. | ||
| If you have a small business, it is really, like, the best way to go. | ||
| I mean, don't torture yourself. | ||
| Use it. | ||
| Post Office works awesome. | ||
| Stamps.com. | ||
| Get it. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| J-R-E. Use the code. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Thanks also to Ting. | ||
| If you go to rogan.ting.com and enter in your information and get $25 credit towards either a phone or a device. | ||
| That is it for this week because I've been doing that TV show thing. | ||
| I've been busy, so we won't be back until Monday. | ||
| But on Monday, we're starting back again. | ||
| With Steve Rinella and Brian Callen. | ||
| And Tuesday, Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| And most likely, we'll do one more podcast next week as well. | ||
| And to answer Joey Diaz, I'm going to the UFC and I'm looking for the schedule. | ||
| Upcoming events. | ||
| Let's see what we got here. | ||
| What we got, baby. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Red Band tonight. | ||
| Tickets still available. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tickets at icehouseconedy.com. | |
| And don't forget Miami next Friday. | ||
| Get your shit together. | ||
| Don't bring no blow. | ||
| Just reefer, rolling papers, edibles, bazookas, Cuban sandwiches, croquetas, shit like that. | ||
| Yeah, let's see what the fight card is here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't fuck around. | |
| We're looking at the Jones versus Sonnen fight card. | ||
| Goddamn, my internet sucks. | ||
| Any day now, ladies and gentlemen, it'll be fixed. | ||
| Alan Belcher versus Michael Bisping. | ||
| That's a great fucking fight. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| That's a great fucking fight. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| Roy Big Country Nelson versus Czech Congo. | ||
| Strap the fuck in, son. | ||
| That could get crazy. | ||
| Big Country and Czech Congo? | ||
| Goddamn, that's going to be a great fight. | ||
| Vinny Magalese and Phil Davis, I fucking love it. | ||
| I love that fight. | ||
| Vinny Magalese has been asking for that fight, too. | ||
| You know, Vinny Magalese, when he left The Ultimate Fighter, went over to M1 Global and kicked ass and became their champion. | ||
| Really developed some striking to go along with his jiu-jitsu, which is some of the best in the fucking world. | ||
| And Phil Davis is a beast, man. | ||
| He's a wicked wrestler. | ||
| Comes from Alliance, a great camp. | ||
| That's a great fucking fight. | ||
| Jim Miller versus Ryan Healy, that's a great fucking fight. | ||
| Goddamn, son! | ||
| There's great fights on the undercard, too. | ||
| That guy... | ||
| What else did we get here? | ||
| Oh, Ovin St. Pru? | ||
| Yeah, he's finally fighting. | ||
| He's on the FX fight. | ||
| He's the dude, he was a beast. | ||
| He was doing really well over in Strikeforce. | ||
| And finally, he's in the UFC as well. | ||
| There's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 fights that card. | ||
| So it's excellent. | ||
| And there's a girl fight too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woohoo! | |
| Yeah, powerful. | ||
| Sarah McMahon and Sheila Gaff. | ||
| This is going to be wild, man. | ||
| Having all these chick fights inside the octagon is going to be very interesting. | ||
| Misha Tate is fighting soon, too. | ||
| And when Misha Tate fights, that's going to be really fucking interesting. | ||
| Because she's the one who's going to fight Ronda Rousey. | ||
| They're going to compete against each other on The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| I like Misha Chase. | ||
| I'm a fan of her. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| I follow her on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like her. | |
| She's awesome. | ||
| She's a very, very cool person. | ||
| I love her death. | ||
| As her boyfriend, Brian Carraway. | ||
| He's cool as fuck, too. | ||
| All right. | ||
| That's it for this week. | ||
| Did we say thank you to Stamps.com? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Thank you to Stamps.com. | ||
| Thank you to everybody. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Thank you to everybody. | ||
| Thank you, Ting. | ||
| Ting. | ||
| Ting on it. | ||
| Thank you, all you people. | ||
| All you people. | ||
| Sprint. | ||
| I love all you motherfuckers. | ||
| All you savages on Twitter. | ||
| Hyundai. | ||
| Adidas. | ||
| All you people out there making it in the free world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fruit of the Loom. | |
| Keep on rockin'. | ||
| Don't worry about Confederate flags. | ||
| Be a Leonard Skinner fan. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| Don't be scared, LL Cool J. Keep it together, you fucking freaks. | ||
| We love the shit out of you. | ||
| We appreciate you very much. | ||
| Joey? | ||
| I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. | ||
| Stay black. | ||
| Have a great weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love both of you. | |
| See you in Miami, bitches! | ||
| We love all you freaks. |
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