June 13, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:38:23
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| But we wish we were brought to you by WD-40. | ||
| Because, Brian, I think our shit is constantly squeaking. | ||
| We would be like... | ||
| You hear all that? | ||
| It's really the springs. | ||
| The springs are the problem. | ||
|
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But I wonder if just a little splash of WD-40 wouldn't save the day, Joe. | |
| Maybe it would. | ||
| Maybe it wouldn't. | ||
| Maybe it would just smell like a garage in here, then. | ||
| You know, I think you guys need a free case of that. | ||
| A free case of WD-40? | ||
| Check it out and then maybe a little bit of sponsorship. | ||
| I think the reality of the uncensored nature of this podcast makes it very problematic for anybody to want to be professionally associated with it. | ||
| No, if I go to my dad's garage, he has a fucking Pamela Anderson poster on the wall, and he has all these WD-40 products. | ||
| They have, like, these WD-40 pens now, where it's just like, if you just want to dab something with... | ||
| The fleshlight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| WD-40's a lubricant? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
|
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Dude, that's true. | |
| Can you imagine what kind of damage you'd do to your dick if you fucked the fleshlight and you squirted WD-40? | ||
|
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That's what Jay Leno does. | |
| Jay Leno does that shit all day. | ||
| That's what Jay Leno does! | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| What do you think that black spot in his hair is? | ||
| It's from juicing all over his fucking head. | ||
|
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WD-40 squirting out the tip of the fucking... | |
| Jay Leno's got black loads. | ||
| Oil-like loads. | ||
| It's been around cars too long. | ||
| Could you imagine if you love cars so much that you really try to jerk off to gasoline? | ||
| You really try to pour gas in your hand and beat off with it? | ||
| I mean, it is like a lubricant, right? | ||
| It is liquid. | ||
| Gas is a great smell. | ||
| Could you jerk? | ||
| No, that would have to be unbelievably painful, right? | ||
| You realize you're pitching some sort of extreme reality show. | ||
| What can you jerk off with? | ||
| Yeah, and it's a combination of some perverted show and name that tune. | ||
| Like, I can jerk off with gasoline. | ||
|
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Joe Rogan, jerk off with that gasoline. | |
| I just got a fucking bandana on because of the fumes. | ||
| I can come in three strokes. | ||
| Jesus, that didn't take long. | ||
| How many minutes? | ||
| Three minutes into this? | ||
| If you had a race to come, ready, go. | ||
| There's a fucking camera on you. | ||
| You're alone in a fucking white room, and you don't get to watch anybody else beat off, so you have to imagine, and it's for a million dollars. | ||
| The people who get off on that are people who always fantasized about being in a room with just a camera. | ||
| Game shows always turned me on. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| If you were a freak reality star gay dude, that would probably be a good gig for you. | ||
| You could probably win that contest the quickest. | ||
| Outright. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you would really be worried about guys watching you beat off. | ||
| Or like athletes who don't freeze up in like game sevens. | ||
| Can take the big shot. | ||
| They don't care with all that attention. | ||
| I was watching some documentary on prison and there was one dude who claimed that he had an affair with, there was a female prison guard and he wound up fucking this female prison guard and some shit went on and she got in trouble for it. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| The guy, apparently he could make his dick hard and ejaculate all without touching himself. | ||
| That's how much free time that dude had. | ||
| That dude was in jail for so long, he figured out a way... | ||
| Talk about game, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be in the prison cell. | ||
| You know, she's fucking with her career, her ability to pay her mortgage, and he's still got it. | ||
| He probably did that trick. | ||
| She got all fascinated. | ||
| I think he showed her that. | ||
| I think he showed her that. | ||
| I bet she just couldn't take it. | ||
| I mean, that was like the ultimate pimp move. | ||
| You're in a cage, locked up in a cage. | ||
| And you can make yourself nut all over yourself, and it's so hot that the guard, the one person, she's free. | ||
| She just works there. | ||
| She just works around you, and you're stuck in a box. | ||
| What did he do for a crime, too? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wish I had all the details of the story. | ||
| Or that it was actually true. | ||
| I mean, she could have just made that shit up. | ||
| That's a pretty extraordinary thing. | ||
| Is there a guy who can do that? | ||
| I've seen guys blow themselves. | ||
| I didn't know if it was entirely... | ||
| I was with a guy who... | ||
| We went to a titty bar. | ||
| I don't think he got a lap dance. | ||
| He was just looking at this girl. | ||
| He got so turned on. | ||
| He blew it in his pants. | ||
| And I laughed. | ||
| He didn't tell me until like weeks later. | ||
| And it was one of the hardest I ever laughed because he was laughing. | ||
| He had a great sense of humor about himself. | ||
| So dude, it was just one of those fucking, you're just crying, laughing. | ||
| Like there was the first wave of what? | ||
| This is the fucking way. | ||
| And he was like, dude, I don't know. | ||
| I was just sitting there. | ||
| He's like a pothead. | ||
| I was just sitting there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He just came in his pants. | ||
|
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Anyway, this is the longest Fleshlight commercial of all time. | |
| That's like some shit. | ||
| Maybe you do it when you're like, I don't know, 11? | ||
| Is that a clock? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
|
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That's the commercial reminder. | |
| Oh. | ||
| 12? | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, the ability. | ||
| I think we got Bill Burr contact high. | ||
|
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What do you think? | |
| I think so. | ||
| I think, Bill Burr, you might be contact high right now, son. | ||
| You might have got hotboxed in this small room. | ||
| It could have happened. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter the code name ROGAN, and you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| We are also brought to you by Onnit, Onnit, makers of AlphaBrain.com. | ||
| Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, the 5-HTP and Serotonin Boosting Supplement. | ||
| All that stuff is answered on Onnit.com if you have any questions rather. | ||
| It's all answered on Onnit.com. | ||
| What they are is essentially they're nutrients that make your brain function better. | ||
| It's very controversial. | ||
| I believe in it and I want to make it as easy as possible where people don't feel even remotely ripped off. | ||
| Because of that, the way we have it set up, the first order of 30 pills you buy, you get 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't have to return the pills. | ||
| You just say, this stuff doesn't work. | ||
| You get 100% of your money back. | ||
| We're way more concerned with making sure that nobody feels ripped off than we are with making money. | ||
| That is my number one priority. | ||
| And all of these things, all these different nootropics, Are all things that I've been into before I ever had anything to do with Onnit. | ||
| If you use the code name Rogan, you'll save yourself 10% off. | ||
| Okay, cue the music. | ||
| Bill Burr's here. | ||
| And like I said, I think... | ||
| I think you got a contact. | ||
|
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day! | ||
|
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Joe Rogan Podcast by night! | |
| All day! | ||
| Is that a new thing you're doing there, DJs? | ||
|
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I'm just really stoned. | |
| DJ RD... Powerful, Bill Barr. | ||
| Good to see you, buddy. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Good to see you too, sir. | ||
| It's fucking awesome to have you come down here again. | ||
| Always a good time. | ||
| And you were telling a fucking hilarious story about eating a pot brownie and about how fucked up it got you. | ||
| Yeah, I did that now. | ||
|
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It's brutal. | |
| I guess this is a story that you had told on our first podcast, but I forgot it. | ||
| But it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It's true, kids. | ||
| Don't just eat pot. | ||
| That shit is way stronger than smoking pot. | ||
| Four to five times more psychoactive. | ||
| Yeah, nobody told me that. | ||
| The person I was with didn't know. | ||
| And, yeah, so I had two and a half. | ||
| I have a sweet tooth, you know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I had one. | ||
| She had half of one. | ||
| Right? | ||
| She had half of one. | ||
| Then I ate her other half. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| And then there was another half left, and I threw that. | ||
| Because she was getting high, and I wasn't feeling anything. | ||
| And then we got in a car and went to Newark Airport to go fly to Costa Rica. | ||
| And by the time I got there, dude, it was insane. | ||
| I was borderline hallucinating. | ||
| Dude, the eating of it is, if you go back to early literature on hash eating, Like the kind of things that people were describing when they were eating hash. | ||
| These incredible psychedelic experiences. | ||
| People don't realize that's not just like getting high. | ||
| You're not just like smoking a little reefer and kicking back and, hey, this movie's kind of funny. | ||
| This fucking pizza tastes so good now. | ||
| No, you ate two pot brownies where you probably should have ate a quarter of one of them because they're fucking notoriously strong. | ||
| When was the last time you ever heard of anybody getting really shitty brownies? | ||
| Seven days ago. | ||
| Seven days ago you heard someone getting shitty brownies? | ||
| Me, I got shitty brownies. | ||
|
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Where? | |
| I think they were mushroom brownies. | ||
| Oh, you just got them from a dude. | ||
| Some guy just gave it to me at a fucking show, and then I felt like I was tripping. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| You're eating things people are just giving you at shows? | ||
| Yeah, that's like Jim Morrison shit, walking down the street eating whatever anybody gives you. | ||
| Yeah, I go to a dispensary that I trust, and you get used to whatever they're... | ||
| Their sort of labeling is. | ||
| But when you've got to ask them, what do you do? | ||
| It really is the new frontier. | ||
| There's really no governmental sticker that's on there. | ||
| This is 4.5% alcohol. | ||
| It gets silly because they have X's, especially baked goods. | ||
| See, with marijuana, if it's just marijuana that you smoke, it's pretty obvious. | ||
| Even if it's really strong marijuana, you know what you're smoking, you know what the size of it is, how much THC is going to get in there from a bowl or a joint. | ||
| When you eat something, they have these weird labels on them like 5X and 3X, but X is, there's no real X. It's not like X equals 10 milligrams. | ||
| It's just, they're just making it up. | ||
| So it doesn't mean anything. | ||
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Yeah, yeah. | |
| No, just smelling when you guys smoked it took me back to that fucking horrific. | ||
| I could tell. | ||
| I could tell. | ||
| Yeah, I'm all set on it. | ||
| It'd be like if you ever puked on a drink, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like a long time ago, one of the worst I ever puked was drinking rum and cokes. | ||
| And for like 25 years, I never had another rum and cokes. | ||
| Not 25. What am I talking about? | ||
| That old. | ||
| Like 20 years. | ||
| You just smelled it and it would just make you sick? | ||
| I just immediately associated with puking outside, you know, underage drinking and that type of shit. | ||
| So when I smelled that stuff, I was just like, oof. | ||
| I had one of those with Jack Daniels for a long time. | ||
| Oh, it was fucking... | ||
| The first time I got drunk, I got drunk with some friends in high school, and oh my God, I had no idea what I was doing. | ||
| I mean, there's just no idea how to drink at all. | ||
| First time you got drunk, you drank Jack Daniels? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, at a party with a bunch of my friends that were all like serious stoners, but I wouldn't smoke pot because I was... | ||
| Doing martial arts, and I thought that pot was a drug, and pot would fuck you up. | ||
| But I would drink every now and then with them, and the first time I ever did, it was, oh my god, I was so disgustingly blasted. | ||
| On Jack Daniels! | ||
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I was old Milwaukee, just in comparison. | |
| Jack Daniels is not the way to go. | ||
| My dad had a couple of strows, and I drank like a third, and I'm like, am I drunk? | ||
| There's no way I would do Jack Taylor. | ||
| I threw up in a car. | ||
| I threw up in a taxi cab. | ||
| I threw up in the backseat of the cab. | ||
| It was fucking horrible. | ||
| I can barely remember it. | ||
| When I talk about something that happened when I was like 14 or whatever the hell I was, it doesn't seem like I'm telling the truth. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It seems like I kind of have a memory of that, but boy, is it fucking fuzzy. | ||
| You know, if I had to describe to you, like... | ||
| Moments in high school. | ||
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Why? | |
| Because it was so long ago? | ||
| It was a long fucking time ago, man. | ||
| I'm 44 now. | ||
| When I look back when I was 14, I don't really remember what the fuck happened back then. | ||
| I remember a few things. | ||
| I can tell you where we lived. | ||
| I can tell you what street we lived on. | ||
| But if I try to get specific, I went back to where I grew up the other day. | ||
| It was really fascinating, man. | ||
| I went back to the house when I went to high school, that area of my life. | ||
| And everything looked different than I imagined it. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| It was like, man, my memories of this shit are blurry as fuck. | ||
| Like, you can start pulling them when you go back to towns. | ||
| Then, like, you go, oh, yeah, remember, this is where we did this. | ||
| Oh, yeah, this is where we did that. | ||
| They'll start pulling back. | ||
| How long had it been since you went back home? | ||
| Oh, it had been a long fucking time. | ||
| I moved out of Boston in probably 90... | ||
| Ninety-one, maybe? | ||
| Ninety-two? | ||
| So you haven't been back in, like, 21 years? | ||
| Yeah, I've been back just every now and then to do gigs. | ||
| Like, Boston itself made sense to me. | ||
| But then I went to Newton, where I grew up, and I went, like, the house where I used to live. | ||
| I went and looked at that, and I was like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| This is strange. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| Going back to houses when I was a kid, and you thought the front yard was, like, nine miles long. | ||
| It's like you could make it to the front door in two steps. | ||
| That's why when you were a kid, you thought it snowed more. | ||
| It's because you were a midget. | ||
| You were just walking around. | ||
| Every snowstorm is up to your waist, you know? | ||
| I think that's good for you. | ||
| I think it's good to grow up in a place where it snows, to have a little respect for nature. | ||
| A little versity. | ||
| We grew up in Boston, man. | ||
| In Boston, you fucking respected nature for six months out of the year. | ||
| For six months out of the year, you knew what the fuck was going on. | ||
| If you had a flat on the side of the road, you might die, okay? | ||
| How about that? | ||
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How about that? | |
| You know, you could be out on your way to Mansfield. | ||
| And they don't find you in time. | ||
| The state patrol, you know, the patrol. | ||
| You get hit by some guy driving by? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That happened to a friend of mine from high school. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| He was changing a tire. | ||
| Guy hit the car and killed him. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck that, man. | ||
| That bring up a bad memory. | ||
| I remember being convicted of drinking and driving. | ||
| I had to go to a Mother's Against Drunk Driving meeting. | ||
| And I was all paranoid. | ||
| There was gonna be like 10 mothers screaming at me about what a piece of shit I was. | ||
| And when I went there, it was the exact opposite. | ||
| It was like 200 drunks sitting there and some woman trying to tell the story about her kid while all these fucking drunks bitched about their cases. | ||
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Two are going like, I only blew a.08! | |
| And she's standing up. | ||
| They go, well, you know, you probably should discuss that with the judge. | ||
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So Johnny was changing his tire after bad practice. | |
| It was fucking... | ||
| No, that was a watershed moment for me because I couldn't judge him. | ||
| I was like, I am in this demographic of fucking idiots. | ||
| It was like, I am a 22-year-old freshman in college. | ||
| I'm a fucking loser. | ||
| And like within 12 months, I started doing stand-up and I got away from all of that crap. | ||
| You don't drink at all anymore, right? | ||
| No, I do. | ||
| You do? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I took a year and two days off. | ||
| I wish I didn't start back up. | ||
| It's just a bad habit. | ||
| I mean, I don't get like, you know. | ||
| But I love it. | ||
| I love drinking. | ||
| I love getting hammered. | ||
| I hate the next day, how I feel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I like all that shit. | ||
| I mean, all the shit that's bad for you. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very unfortunate, that next day feeling, you know. | ||
| You gotta switch the waters at some point. | ||
| That's when you become a professional. | ||
| That still doesn't really help. | ||
| You're wrecking yourself. | ||
| Yeah, I understand. | ||
| I mean, none of it's good. | ||
| I do bad shows if I'm hungover. | ||
| I don't like my shows. | ||
| They don't feel good. | ||
| They don't have the flow to them. | ||
| I just hate that feeling. | ||
| I hate the feeling of being on stage. | ||
| And it would be my fault if I was hungover. | ||
| If I was hungover on stage, it's my fault that I'm working at like three-quarter speed right now or it's not clicking right now. | ||
| Well, I wish I could just have one, but it's not satisfying because you have one and then you want a hundred. | ||
| And then you drink a hundred and then you feel like shit. | ||
| And like if I just drink one, like if I have one at lunch, then it's like I want to go take a nap. | ||
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Really? | |
| I either got to keep going. | ||
| If I keep going, I can go for like, you know, a good hardcore four or a gentleman six. | ||
| And then I'm done. | ||
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Do you feel pulled to it? | |
| No! | ||
| Is it like Gollum in the ring? | ||
| No, I don't even know what that means. | ||
| Precious! | ||
| Oh, precious! | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
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It wants us to drink it, precious! | |
| I don't even know what that is. | ||
| You didn't see the Lord of the Rings? | ||
| You didn't see the Lord of the Rings? | ||
| I went to one of those and it was so fucking long and every time... | ||
| They would fade to black. | ||
| I'd be like, just roll the credits. | ||
| Just roll the credits. | ||
| And then they would open up on some big field and it's just like, Jesus, get the fucking thing back to the guy so we can get out of here. | ||
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I hate... | |
| You know what? | ||
| I fucking hate all of those movies. | ||
| And I fucking hate people who don't have a sense of humor about the bullshit that they watched when they were kids. | ||
| Like, adults who talk about Star Wars. | ||
| Like, that isn't a fucking weak movie now when you watch it. | ||
| I mean, like, how... | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| I was making fun of the other night. | ||
| The other night, I came home. | ||
| I got free Cinemax, which is the greatest fucking channel ever. | ||
| 24 hours a day, they're either showing the greatest movie ever or the worst fucking movie ever, and it's all compelling. | ||
| I watched like nine movies in a row. | ||
| This fucking channel is unbelievable. | ||
| So, I ended up flipping up... | ||
| Because later night they just had some sort of you know softcore porn which is ridiculous now when you have the internet so it just was redundant so I got off of that so I went on to VH1 and they were playing this show Metal Mania and I was watching all these bands and these videos that I just thought were fucking sick and they're into the devil dude I was just, by the end of it, I was like, how was this better than disco? | ||
| Like, why did disco get so much shit? | ||
| Like, I'm not talking about, like, the Iron Maidens, the Metallicas, but you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| That middle of the fucking ground, those people with the spiked fucking gloves, and all this stupid shit, and raw meat, and it was just, it was horseshit. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| It was the dumbest shit ever. | ||
| It was embarrassing that I... Granted, I had all of that music still on my iPod. | ||
| I'm not above it. | ||
| But if someone from this generation were to come back and tell me that music was awful and was stupid, I would laugh. | ||
| There's no way I could defend it. | ||
| Isn't it weird how you look at... | ||
| If you look at music or you look at movies... | ||
| That's like one of the clearest examples of, like, some sort of evolution or progress is going on with humans. | ||
| Because, like, the movies of the past, like, so many of them are, they're so clunky and the style of communicating is so artificial. | ||
| It looks... | ||
| It's such a shit representation of life in comparison to a real good movie. | ||
| Until the 60s. | ||
| Once they figured out just acting on film, those people just learning how to do it. | ||
| So everything was going to be not... | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| That type of acting had to go away with the Brandos and the James Deans and those guys. | ||
| And then you had to have the... | ||
| There's movies back there like Jack Lemmon, The Apartment. | ||
| Well, The Hustler. | ||
| It's way ahead of its time now. | ||
| The Hustler. | ||
| The Hustler is an amazing movie. | ||
| Stanley Kubrick. | ||
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Yeah. | |
| That type of shit. | ||
| There were some people that were getting it right. | ||
| Still holds up, though. | ||
| But the bad movies from the 60s and the 70s? | ||
| Try to watch Jaws 3D. Oh yeah, no, that's just bad. | ||
| That's a bad one. | ||
| There's some bad movies. | ||
| But they still have movies like that. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure, to this day. | ||
| That Transformer shit, even though I didn't see it. | ||
| I never vibe with sci-fi people, like sci-fi listeners. | ||
| I always get trashed by them because I just don't... | ||
| I just don't get it. | ||
| You don't get sci-fi at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| If it's like Aliens, it has to be high quality. | ||
| Aliens is like the Goodfellas of that sci-fi. | ||
| On top shelf sci-fi, I'm going to be in the Blade Runner, Aliens, and that type of shit. | ||
| But if I'm just going to go, oh, we're in Hoth. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that's from. | ||
| What is Hoth? | ||
| That's a Star Wars thing? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| Yeah, like one of those fucking things with the action figures and shit. | ||
| It's just... | ||
|
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Did you like Transformers? | |
| I didn't like Chewbacca. | ||
| You didn't like Chewbacca? | ||
| I didn't get Chewbacca. | ||
| It's like, dude, you're a fucking... | ||
| He's a fucking awesome guy to have around. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| Can you imagine you could party with Bigfoot? | ||
| I would totally party with Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah, but he should be ripping somebody's arms off. | ||
| He's shooting a gun like he's a... | ||
| Well, he's a badass. | ||
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unidentified
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He's limited. | |
| He knows how to shoot guns, too. | ||
| He'll rip your fucking arms off, but he can also shoot you from a distance. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| He's limited. | ||
| Oh, I like Chewbacca. | ||
| I would totally hang out with him. | ||
| You know what I didn't like about him? | ||
| He was a follower. | ||
| He started hanging out with all the humans. | ||
| Next thing you know, he's sitting upright in chairs. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Sipping little juicy juices. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if he can understand us. | ||
| Could they understand him? | ||
| They could speak that? | ||
|
unidentified
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I think it was a language, but we just didn't understand it. | |
| He said the same fucking thing every time. | ||
| Not that many Wookiees. | ||
| It's like Chewbacca and there's no other famous Wookiees. | ||
| He was like the Dodo bird. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| We're going to be destroyed on Twitter because our Star Wars knowledge sucks and you know we're going to get this shit forever. | ||
| Dude, there's a fucking million Wookiees! | ||
| There's a nation of Wookiees! | ||
|
unidentified
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There's a federation of Wookiees! | |
| You know not what you're talking about! | ||
| Yeah, but there's nothing better than just having a fucking 10% knowledge of those movies and just criticizing them because it's just driving some kid nuts. | ||
| If you look at old TV shows like Father Knows Best and then watch something good today, The Office. | ||
| Is The Office good? | ||
| That's what you're supposed to say. | ||
| I haven't watched it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I think it's good. | |
| I haven't watched a sitcom in years. | ||
| I haven't watched anything since maybe Larry Sanders. | ||
| I just watched sports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Larry Sanders? | |
| No, not Larry Sanders. | ||
| Unless something huge happens. | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Larry David? | |
| Larry David. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I was watching some classic Seinfeld last night. | ||
| That shit is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Larry Sanders was awesome too, by the way. | ||
| That was an awesome show, Larry Sanders. | ||
| I don't know why I pulled that out of my ass. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was an amazing show. | ||
| Seinfeld, remember that episode where Elaine, every time she went to the doctor, that doctor wrote down notes about her? | ||
| I only saw a few Seinfelds, quite honestly. | ||
| Maybe saw like five or six of them ever, for whatever reason. | ||
| Because you were headlining and you were on a hit sitcom. | ||
| I was not on a hit sitcom. | ||
| I was on a sitcom that was like number 84 in the ratings. | ||
| When news radio was on, it did terrible. | ||
| It was terrible in the ratings. | ||
| It did good when it was in good time slots. | ||
| But they moved us around nine times over five years. | ||
| So nobody ever got cocky. | ||
| Everybody was like, you can't fucking... | ||
| There was always that good show that they just kept moving around. | ||
| And the creators were losing their fucking minds. | ||
| But you guys made syndication though, right? | ||
| Yeah, it did, but barely. | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| We only did 98 episodes. | ||
| You're supposed to have 100 for syndication. | ||
| I'm pretty sure we only had 98. How does that work? | ||
| Do you get checks now for like 3 cents? | ||
| Does it still work? | ||
| Is it halfway decent? | ||
| I should be asking that on air. | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| People think you get really rich from it. | ||
| The people that get rich from it are the people that own it. | ||
| So if you own the show and you sell it, the actors, they're going to get compensated. | ||
| They get compensated very well, but it's not like what a show runner makes. | ||
| So when people see, like, oh, he's on syndication, he's rich, not necessarily at all. | ||
| Yeah, because it seems like the stuff I do, the first time you get paid, it's great. | ||
| Next time they cut it in half on the second running, and then all of a sudden you start getting checks for $1.30. | ||
| But when you're Tim Allen or someone like that who has a home improvement, then he owns, I'm sure he must have owned at least a chunk of that show. | ||
| So when that shit goes to syndication, you just fucking rake it in. | ||
| It was worth it for him, I guess, to stop doing stand-up for a long time. | ||
| I shouldn't speak out of turn because I don't know if this is really true. | ||
| This is just what I had heard. | ||
| Was that Tim Allen was a very good stand-up. | ||
| You ever watched Tim Allen back in the day? | ||
| No, that's what I heard. | ||
| He was a very good stand-up. | ||
| And, you know, a fun guy to watch. | ||
| He was fun. | ||
| But his show was just a little rowdy. | ||
| Not dirty. | ||
| It wasn't like Kinnison or anything like that. | ||
| But I guess it was too rowdy for the show. | ||
| They were saying, look, you're going to be on... | ||
| Home improvement. | ||
| You should tone that shit down. | ||
| You should stop performing. | ||
| You're out there and you're saying crazy things about drills and hammers and you've got to get us in trouble. | ||
| This probably wasn't the shit about the drills and hammers. | ||
| I imagine it was the shit about being in jail in fucking Michigan or whatever. | ||
| That's all the stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that I would want to hear. | ||
| Yeah, well that was a weird thing when you hear about that. | ||
| You're like, whoa, you could go to jail and then wind up on TV. That's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, when you get out of jail, you either get into sales or show business. | ||
| Those are the only two places they don't give a fuck. | ||
| I hacked a guy up. | ||
| Alright, well, you know, do like five. | ||
| Bring up the next guy. | ||
| There was a dude that we knew from Rhode Island that beat a guy to death with a stick. | ||
| I'm just thinking about this guy right now. | ||
| Do you know Eddie Galvin? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| From Rhode Island? | ||
| Was he gone by the time you were coming around? | ||
| Eddie Galvin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would remember the guy if he got beat to death. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He didn't get beat to death. | ||
| He beat a guy to death. | ||
| Oh, Heckler? | ||
| I'm sure I'm saying his name right. | ||
| He was a really funny guy, though. | ||
| He was one of those Brian Holtzman type guys that was just like comics would get into the back of the room to watch him when he would go on stage and just go, Jesus fucking Christ, did he just say that? | ||
| He was a crazy dude. | ||
| Who did he beat to death? | ||
| Oh, some guy. | ||
| I don't know the story. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I might not even be right. | ||
| Jesus, what did you smoke before this? | ||
| This is so random. | ||
| I don't even know if that happened. | ||
| You just thought of Rhode Island and this whole movie started playing in your head. | ||
| What's a famous movie that was shot in Rhode Island where someone gets beat to death? | ||
| I bet that's just playing in his head right now. | ||
| That's what he's remembering. | ||
| Did you ever see Friends of Eddie Coyle? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| The Mitchum movie? | ||
| Robert Mitchum? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What a fucking great movie. | ||
| Yeah, that was a good movie. | ||
| What's-his-face from Everybody Loves Raymond is in it, right? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Peter Boyle. | ||
| Yeah, Peter Boyle. | ||
| I just saw that in the past year. | ||
| All of a sudden, it resurfaced. | ||
| Peter Boyle was a fucking amazing actor. | ||
| Holy shit, was that guy good. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| That is a really good movie. | ||
| I like those kinds of movies. | ||
| That's the kind of shit I still like. | ||
| If I buy something on DVD, I'm going to buy like the Dirty Dozen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Magnificent Seven, like that era. | ||
| You know what I bought the other day? | ||
| Le Mans with Steve McQueen. | ||
| Steve McQueen, yeah. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
|
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That's a badass movie. | |
| That used to come out once a year. | ||
| They would play that on either TV 38 or WLVI Channel 56. I'm just saying this shit because I know you grew up that area. | ||
| That's why I watched all those guys. | ||
| All that Bronson, Lee Marvin, Clint Eastwood. | ||
| All of that shit. | ||
| And it was on a rotation the same time every year that they would play like the 8 o'clock movie. | ||
| Steve McQueen. | ||
| Did you ever watch it? | ||
| You've seen Le Mans? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was like parts in that movie for like 5, 10 minutes where no one said a word. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For like 10 minutes. | ||
| Like you watch the movie. | ||
| They're changing tires. | ||
| They're setting things up. | ||
| People go and get a cup of coffee. | ||
| All this shit is taking place. | ||
| No one's talking at all. | ||
| They're like, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow! | |
| This is like a different era. | ||
| It's a different world. | ||
| Yeah, that's when the directors took over. | ||
| The world of, like, Stanley Kubrick. | ||
| You know, the world of 2001. You know, before that whole movement happened, that back in the day, like, the director, all the director did, for the most part, was just make sure that you were in frame. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| And that you said everything you said. | ||
| And then the second you wrapped on the movie, the studio took it and they edited the thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it wasn't until... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm really speaking out of turn because I know about as much about this as I do about Star Wars. | ||
| But like somewhere in the 60s is when the director started taking it over going like, no, this is my fucking film. | ||
| I'm going to edit this and we want to do it this way. | ||
| That was sort of the first wave of that. | ||
| And when that happened, that's when you had all the... | ||
| That's on Apocalypse Now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that was sort of the... | ||
| Later. | ||
| That was 10 years after. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that kind of... | ||
| All that type of stuff. | ||
| That kind of movie, that's where that comes from. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And that was like... | ||
| During that time, art was ridiculous. | ||
| The music, you had the tail end of the Beatles going on, those directors were taking over, and then Richard Pryor was finding his voice, and stand-up was coming out to the forefront. | ||
| That whole era in art is incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But it's funny, but then they just... | ||
| That 70s show, they just boil it down to lava lamps. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It was a little more interesting shit going on back then than that. | ||
| I mean, I know it's just a sitcom, but I'm just saying, you know. | ||
| The early 70s is Nixon resigning, and the late 70s is everybody doing coke, listening to disco, and then like, well, that's that decade. | ||
| Now we're into the 80s. | ||
| How about Nixon? | ||
| Michael J. Fox picture. | ||
| I remember when Nixon was president. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| I remember when I was a kid listening to him crying on the radio when he stepped down. | ||
| First Kent State and then Watergate. | ||
| Like, has there ever been a more fucked up, crooked guy shooting at fucking college students? | ||
| I thought Johnson was in office then. | ||
| No, no, that was Nixon. | ||
| That was Nixon. | ||
| Well, he wasn't there with the rifles, was he? | ||
| He probably was. | ||
| That's probably his idea. | ||
| He probably was. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| He probably wanted to silence these fucking punk kids. | ||
| Nixon was a creepy dude, man. | ||
| He was. | ||
| The fact that you're so paranoid that you fucking record yourself having conversations like what you thought was going to happen to you. | ||
| I think losing to Jack Kennedy just fucked with his head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I guess he blew him away in the debates on the radio, but if you watched it on TV, Jack was sitting there looking like a movie star, looking like fucking Tony Curtis. | ||
| He's sitting there looking like some guy waiting to get his teeth cleaned. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| People will vote for looks. | ||
| No, he went from almost winning the presidency to his entire career being fucking over. | ||
| He then lost, I think, the governor race or something like that in California. | ||
| And he was completely out of office. | ||
| And they were like, that's it. | ||
| Game, set, match. | ||
| And like within four years, I don't know what happened. | ||
| Signed a deal with the devil. | ||
| That guy was in office. | ||
| Lyndon Johnson was growing his hair, going crazy. | ||
| And Nixon slid in. | ||
| Bobby Kennedy got whacked. | ||
| Doesn't it kill you that they just fucking knocked down the Ambassador Hotel? | ||
| Like, they just don't give a fuck about history out here. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? | ||
| If that was in Dallas, they would have like an entire, like, the entire block would be preserved. | ||
| Do you think it's an embarrassment? | ||
| You think that's why they knocked it down? | ||
| Because that's where Kennedy was shot? | ||
| No, because I think they do it with everything. | ||
| I find it frustrating out here because it's very hard to feel grounded out here with just the endless strip malls. | ||
| If there's a piece of history, there's a way to be like, okay, this is from then, and this is what happened, and then this happened, and now we're here. | ||
| This is the steakhouse where John Gotti shot Paul Castellano. | ||
| Yeah, that type of shit. | ||
| Like in New York, the Triangle Shirtwaist fire, and they got a little plaque. | ||
| They got all that shit. | ||
| You can kind of be like, all right, there's a bunch of Native Americans buried under here. | ||
| The Astros got a bunch of blood money, and now they have a subway stop named after them. | ||
| Cooper Union, that type of shit. | ||
| But you're out here, and it's just like, you know, like they had like, you know, before 9-11, like the biggest like act of terrorism, like, you know, blowing up a building, people jumping to their deaths and shit was the first L.A. Times building. | ||
| And it's not the one that's there. | ||
| Somebody blew it up at like 2 in the morning at the turn of the century. | ||
| And I can't find it on the fucking internet where it was. | ||
| I don't know what's there. | ||
| There's no plaque. | ||
| There's no nothing. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| It burned down. | ||
| Here's the new one. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And that's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| There's not much of a sense of history here. | ||
| I mean, there's like the Chinese theater, right? | ||
| That's the big thing. | ||
| Man's Chinese theater. | ||
| That's like a landmark. | ||
| Dude, they'll knock that Ambassador Hotel. | ||
| I guarantee you there's like a Burger King sitting on top. | ||
| They don't give a Staples... | ||
| It's just, I don't know. | ||
| That's the one thing out here that fucks with me after a while. | ||
| We filmed Fear Factor there. | ||
| We filmed an episode there. | ||
| I remember being weirded out. | ||
| You went to it? | ||
| I'm killing myself that I never went. | ||
| Yeah, I walked through the kitchen. | ||
| I walked through where he got shot. | ||
| And what was going on at that time? | ||
| Was it shut down? | ||
| Yeah, they rented out for filming. | ||
| They rented out to people make movies there, and they were making TV shows there. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow! | |
| How creepy was that? | ||
| I would have loved to have gone in there. | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| I wish I had known. | ||
| I don't think I knew you then, but if I had known, or you weren't here then, right? | ||
| I think I was living in New York. | ||
| Yeah, I'd met you, but if I knew someone was like a crazy Kennedy freak... | ||
| No, no, just a history, like that type of stuff. | ||
| But I mean, come on, man. | ||
| Did you ever go through that place in Dallas? | ||
| Have you ever driven through Dealey Plaza? | ||
| It was weird, right? | ||
| No, that was too much. | ||
| They preserved the... | ||
| You feel like it's weird that you're not in black and white as you're walking around. | ||
| I mean, they literally... | ||
| If you've never been there, to your listeners, the entire block is this... | ||
| Just watch... | ||
| Was it the Zapruder film? | ||
| Yeah, that's the one in color. | ||
| You're going to see... | ||
| You're going to see those buildings. | ||
| I mean, they're the same color, the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's a real mindfuck, too. | ||
| Yeah, because a block away, it's 2012, and you go there, and it's November 1963. Bill Hicks had a great fucking joke about that place. | ||
| He goes, you go up to the book depository, and he goes, and I'm trying to do a Bill Hicks accent, and he goes, and they have it marked off, and it looks exactly the way it did in 1960, what was it, 3? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He goes, 1963. You know why? | ||
| Because Oswald's not there. | ||
| Oswald's not there either. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He goes, they don't let you look out the window. | ||
| Dude, just that line he says as he walks in, oh, so I'm the patsy. | ||
| That's the one that always sends a chill. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| Dude, I think everything is bullshit. | ||
| I think the NBA is fixed all the way up to this thing. | ||
| That's one of the most obvious pieces of bullshit. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Some fucking sports are fixed, man. | ||
| That's reality. | ||
| It's a lot of money. | ||
| The NBA had a mobbed-up ref, and then they did an in-house investigation, and then they did the Oswalt. | ||
| He acted alone. | ||
| Nothing to see here. | ||
| And they found... | ||
| How'd they catch the guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, had a yacht. | |
| Dude, had a Ferrari. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I just remember it came on the news and, you know, all gamblers were all yelling, I fucking knew it! | ||
| I knew it! | ||
| I knew this shit was fixed. | ||
| And then they tried to say it was just him. | ||
| And, you know, I'm not saying they all are. | ||
| I'm just saying, like, look, I compare it to this, like, Like, dude, remember when you had a day job and shit? | ||
| If two people were hooking up on the down low, how long did it take you to figure... | ||
| They thought nobody knew. | ||
| You could tell by their body language. | ||
| You could tell what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| You can't tell me you're on an NBA officiating team and you can't tell somebody is fixing games. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| Okay, he was kind of weird tonight, then he's weird again, and then weird again. | ||
| All of a sudden, you've got to be like, this guy is... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If you're sitting in the crowd and you can notice, I just don't think another professional referee can't notice. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're investigating it right now, I heard. | |
| One guy? | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean... | ||
| No, he already went to jail. | ||
| He's already in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I thought you were talking about the PAC fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never mind. | |
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We weren't talking about that, but we were going to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were going to. | |
| I was going to ask you, what do you think about Pacquiao Bradley? | ||
| Was that fixed? | ||
| That was the worst decision I've ever seen in the history of boxing. | ||
| Never seen such a bad decision. | ||
| I didn't watch it, but here's my... | ||
| I don't know shit about the fight game, believe it or not, to look at me. | ||
| I don't know anything about it. | ||
| But I find it amazing that someone could come in at his light of weight, put on 40 pounds, not lose any speed, actually be stronger. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| How do you do that? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You got to talk to him about all that. | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| I would never. | ||
| That guy, he'd headbutt me, then sing me a song, and then wait for me to wake up and kick the shit out of me again, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you need? | |
| Explosives. | ||
| I'm looking for my phone, man. | ||
| Did you leave it in the bathroom? | ||
| No, that's what I was worried about. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I panicked. | ||
| I think the NBA is just as filthy as boxing. | ||
| Did you watch the boxing match? | ||
| Did you see the Pacquiao-Bradley fight? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| But I've watched boxing. | ||
| I see what happens. | ||
| It's the only fight where I've never heard of a fight before where I haven't met a single person that thought Bradley won. | ||
| Not one person. | ||
| I mean, they must be out there. | ||
| So what's the reason for doing it? | ||
| To just make a bunch of money on all the people who made... | ||
| For a rematch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a rematch? | |
| Because they don't think Mayweather's going to happen. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Mayweather's in jail right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And look, if I... Not eating, from what I heard. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like a hunger strike? | ||
| Yeah, like, let me out of here or I'm going to die, is how I could tell. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look, I have an AM radio in my truck. | ||
| I went under a bridge halfway through that story, so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But that's what it sounded like. | ||
| Like a hunger strike? | ||
| Because the prosecuting attorney was like, well, what do you think? | ||
| He's in prison. | ||
| This isn't the fourth season. | ||
| Well... | ||
| See, this is how rumors get started in bars by shitheads like me who have like fucking half the information they need and then they just start pontificating to somebody's... | ||
| On the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's... | |
| Taking a couple of hits, and then you'll back me up. | ||
| Yeah, totally, dude. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you. | ||
| Listen, I'm just happy to be in the conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| Yeah, I bet that's exactly how they did it there. | ||
| You didn't even listen to the first half of it because you're freaking out about your phone. | ||
| Well, I know that Bob Arum and Floyd Mayweather did not get along. | ||
| And Bob Arum was Pacquiao's promoter, and Floyd Mayweather tried to make some sort of a deal with him, but he didn't want to do 50-50. | ||
| Like, they were having a hard time bargaining it out. | ||
| But if I was a promoter, and I was a crooked guy, and I was trying to fix something... | ||
| That would be, like, the perfect fight to fix. | ||
| Because there's nobody else that's interesting out there now that Mayweather's in jail. | ||
| So who else is interesting for him to fight? | ||
| I mean, if you were a mastermind... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| If you wanted to put together a conspiracy... | ||
| I'm convinced. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a brilliant money-making move. | ||
| And you've got to admire them, really. | ||
| Now everybody wants to watch Pacquiao get his revenge. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Dude, I mean, I think the NBA's the same way. | ||
| I think they have their guys that they want in the ring. | ||
| They finesse it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Finessed. | ||
| And I also bet that Pacquiao's... | ||
| I bet there's probably some verbiage in his contract that changes how much money he gets based on whether or not he's a champion. | ||
| Based on whether or not he wins or loses. | ||
| I mean, I would imagine there would be something. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| I mean, he's such a draw. | ||
| Maybe that's nonsense. | ||
| Why would they gamble? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I like your theory that they would try and keep it interesting. | ||
| I think that's exactly what I would do if I was a corrupt guy. | ||
| I'm not saying that they did that, but I'm saying, look, if I was some dude in a Batman comic book that was manipulating, I got this boxing world under my thumb! | ||
| I don't think it's like that, dude. | ||
| It's a business. | ||
| It's a business, and you had a major asset. | ||
| Just get taken off the table. | ||
| What can we do to keep excitement going like that? | ||
| Did you hear today on Jim Rome, he asked David Stern if the NBA lottery was fixed. | ||
| I know it doesn't mean shit to you. | ||
| What is the NBA lottery? | ||
| The NBA lottery is basically, in most sports, if you have the worst record, When the draft comes around, all the new talent comes out of college or whatever, you get first pick. | ||
| So that way the worst teams can get better and it creates some sort of parity in theory. | ||
| But the NBA, to make it more exciting, they have a lottery. | ||
| So the lower ten or whatever the fuck it is, they all get a shot at possibly being number one. | ||
| So then they put a bunch of ping-pong balls into the thing, and then they pull it out like the Massachusetts State fucking lottery. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they do that for whatever reason. | ||
| And some people think that they do it so every three or four years when there's a serious guy coming out who's going to be like a Pacquiao-level guy, but like a basketball player, as far as a drawing power of a Pacquiao. | ||
| And they have a major market that's hurting. | ||
| They manipulate it. | ||
| The first year they did it, all of a sudden, New York City, which had the worst chance of winning it, they won it. | ||
| And then they got Patrick Ewing, which was great for Hoop. | ||
| Like, that's something, if they do manipulate that, I'm just thinking, you know, that's just a good business plan. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But anyway, so this guy, Jim Rome, asked him, he asked him if it was fixed, which is a fucking hilarious and insane question to ask the commissioner of basketball. | ||
| Like, he's going to be like, yeah, you know what it is! | ||
| But he asked it, and I guess Stern freaked out. | ||
| And what did he say? | ||
| He said, how could you even ask me that? | ||
| He said, Jim, let me ask you this. | ||
| He goes, when did you stop beating your wife? | ||
| So everybody takes that literal. | ||
| I never heard of that, but I guess it's some old school expression that what he's really doing is he's criticizing your question by saying, when did you stop beating your wife? | ||
| The insinuation is that you're already beating your wife, even if you're totally innocent. | ||
| So Jim Rome didn't beat his wife. | ||
| He threw it at him like that, saying, that's what you're doing to me right now. | ||
| Wow, what kind of hidden fucking Stanley Kubrick symbolism is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And once again, I have not heard the audio. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I was driving over on the AM radio, going under bridges, and this is what I heard. | ||
| This is all I heard, you know? | ||
| I heard they found Sasquatch. | ||
| No, this is the thing about me, though. | ||
| I admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| It cuts down on so many angry emails, and it also makes people feel good about themselves. | ||
| Most people think they're as full of shit as I am, but they never have that honest moment with themselves. | ||
| Well, your full of shitness, though, creates art, creates comedy, you know? | ||
| Yeah, by being the butt of the joke. | ||
| I know how it works. | ||
| I think I don't know how my bread's buttered. | ||
| I got my voice down. | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| I make people feel smarter than they really are. | ||
| I set the bar low, Joe. | ||
| It's not a bad move. | ||
| I really like how you're rocking it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shouldn't be here. | ||
| I should have died of an appendicitis in 1980. Really? | ||
| But they had enough medicine to keep me going. | ||
| I'm one of the weak, Joe. | ||
| I shouldn't be here. | ||
| Whoa, one of the weak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that how you feel? | ||
| I'm going to be allowed... | ||
| Yeah, I think that that's why, like, the sea of fucking morons that's out there, that's what it is. | ||
| It's all the penicillin that's available. | ||
| If you just brought it back a little bit, you know, I think we'd have a lot more shining stars out there. | ||
| You'd see people driving better. | ||
| If there was more disease? | ||
| If you just let the weak die off. | ||
| And I know I'm not going to make the cut. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Dude, there's only so much chicken. | ||
| There's only so much water out there. | ||
| We've outfucked all of it. | ||
| But that's a terrible decision because it's often... | ||
| I mean, there's a weird balance to the way life works. | ||
| And when you say the weak, often it's those weak that are inventing fucking iMacs. | ||
| Those are the ones that are figuring out how to make your internet faster and 4G phones. | ||
| They would have come up with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't think they would have come up with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, they will. | |
| You could leave those fucking sword-swinging dudes, you could leave them alone for a million years, come back, they'd still be hacking each other to death with swords. | ||
| No, no, I'm not painting with one color here. | ||
| I'm saying the best of the best of the IMAX guys, the best of the best of the guys who will beat you down, the dream team of human beings. | ||
| Is what I'm talking about here. | ||
| What I'm saying is the physically weak often are the most innovative. | ||
| I'm talking about the people when the fucking aliens show up. | ||
| The guys who got an actual game plan. | ||
| Those are the guys who are going to figure out how not to get on that spaceship and get eaten. | ||
| I mean, isn't this obvious, Joe? | ||
| This is... | ||
| Walking right down the street here. | ||
| If I was living in another planet and want a food source, people would be a good one. | ||
| We're like fucking rats on a sinking ship. | ||
| We're everywhere. | ||
| We're just scrambling. | ||
| I would come here. | ||
| We would be like a nice steakhouse with all the fat, marbled people. | ||
| Oh, we'd be the best. | ||
| We're well-fed. | ||
| It'd be like, instead of corn-fed, it'd be like, this one's from Texas. | ||
| This one's from Houston would be like the Kobe beef of human beings. | ||
| People would market vegans. | ||
| This is 100% vegan diet. | ||
| The guy ate nothing but plants. | ||
| Nothing but plants. | ||
| That would be like the edamame of human beings if he ate one of those guys. | ||
| Cannibalism, everybody, on the Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Well, we know that chimps eat monkeys. | ||
| Chimps eat. | ||
| Dude, and they have fucking assholes about it. | ||
| I hate chimps. | ||
| I fucking can't stand them, man. | ||
| I watched this fucking chimp rip this fucking... | ||
| They had this whole thing. | ||
| I know you've seen this. | ||
| You watch all of this shit. | ||
| They were basically... | ||
| I don't know what they did. | ||
| Set a trap. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| And they had the infrared thing where you could see where the chimps were going. | ||
| It's really scary. | ||
| Yeah, it's like they chased them down the street except it was in trees. | ||
| And they had two of their tufts hanging there. | ||
| And they basically drove this monkey right into the trap. | ||
| And this fucking chimp... | ||
| Grabs him, he's standing on his back, and rather than just twisting his head and ending his misery, he just starts digging into his back, pulling pieces out of him, and this fucking monkey's just going like... | ||
| Just freaking out. | ||
| Screaming. | ||
| And this fucking thing is just sitting there like... | ||
| He's biting on its hips. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| He's like biting on its hips. | ||
| The monkey's screaming. | ||
| No way. | ||
| His little eyes are like bugging out of his head. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| And that's our closest relatives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And just like us, they're fucking evil. | ||
| Man. | ||
| I'd shoot a chimp, dude. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| If you saw him in the wild? | ||
| No, if he's in the wild... | ||
| In the zoo? | ||
| Right up to him. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Pull it out. | ||
| This is for the monkey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| There's certain animals I could kill. | ||
| I would be... | ||
| Once that person got their face ripped off by a chimp, I would be like a trigger-happy cop... | ||
| Well, that lady, she was giving that chimpanzee Xanax, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| She was giving it Xanax and wine. | ||
| I used to give my cat Flonase because it's Persian and always had breathing problems, and I was really stoned. | ||
| I'm like, I'll just put a little drop on the tip of her nose, and I'm like, that's probably the dumbest thing you could probably do. | ||
| Well, from what it's explained to me, I've never tried Xanax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ, dude. | |
| What the fuck is... | ||
| That stuff's bad for humans. | ||
| I have a cold. | ||
| Now I don't. | ||
| You still have one. | ||
| It's like that five-hour energy. | ||
| It's liquid Coke. | ||
| I need a nap. | ||
| Now I want to work all night. | ||
| You know what that is mostly? | ||
| It's a lot of vitamin B12. It's not even that much caffeine. | ||
| Those five-hour energies are actually healthier, like on a chemical profile level, than it is to drink a big Starbucks coffee. | ||
| I read that they are insane levels of everything that's good for you, which is never good. | ||
| A little bit, one glass of alcohol is good for you. | ||
| You're not supposed to chug the whole... | ||
| The whole thing. | ||
| You piss that out. | ||
| None of those you have to worry about. | ||
| It's not like you're drinking them all day, every day, and you're going to develop toxic amounts of vitamins. | ||
| Once again, Joe, I haven't read about it, but I've already made up my mind. | ||
| It's liquid coke. | ||
| That fucking stuff will kill you! | ||
| Do you remember that there was some shit called Redline? | ||
| Did you ever try Redline? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't drink any of that shit. | ||
| It would say like three servings or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This I'm making up. | ||
| I don't know if it said three servings. | ||
| Hey, you're driving your car underneath a bridge. | ||
| You're in my arena now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| I'm in your arena because I don't want to get sued. | ||
| I don't want red line people to piss at me. | ||
| But it was the strongest fucking caffeinated beverage I've ever had in my life. | ||
| I remember drinking one. | ||
| I was tired and I was driving back from some gig and I got one at one of those 24 marts at a gas station. | ||
| And I said, I'll fucking drink this. | ||
| And I'm on my way home and I'm like... | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| I am wide awake. | ||
| I'm thinking all the shit I'm going to do back when I get home. | ||
| I got to clean my fucking office. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I could still get a workout in if I could put an hour and a half cleaning and then I do an hour of kettlebells. | ||
| I'm thinking all this shit. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'm like on crank right now. | ||
| I'm essentially on some liquid amphetamine. | ||
| I don't mess with any of those sports drinks, energy drinks, anything that's fizzy. | ||
| I don't fuck with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coffee? | |
| Unless it's like a root beer or a Coke or something like that. | ||
| I'll do that shit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Speaking of that, can I plug something? | ||
| Yes, please. | ||
| I'm doing something for the Oakland A's. | ||
| They got Root Beer Float Day, I swear to God, and it's to raise awareness for childhood diabetes. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I guess a long time ago, the Root Beer Company, this was their cause, and they were into it, and I guess there was no irony back in the day, so they are the ones... | ||
| They are the ones. | ||
| So, I already know. | ||
| I already know. | ||
| Everybody on my Twitter thought that they were the most clever person ever. | ||
| Like, I didn't notice how ridiculous it is to... | ||
| How funny it is. | ||
| I think it's kind of funny. | ||
| I think it's awesome. | ||
| Let's talk alcohol. | ||
| You know, come on down. | ||
| Open bar. | ||
| Let's end alcoholism, you know? | ||
| It's just something... | ||
| There's something what I like about it. | ||
| There's something almost like Anchorman, like old school about it that I love it. | ||
| So I'm going to go up there. | ||
| And plus, you know, being a baseball fan of the way it used to be where teams like the Pirates and the A's were good before all this, you know, the money markets won. | ||
| The money markets won? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baseball? | |
| Yeah, in the big business, including the Red Sox. | ||
| Roger Clemens, they said that he's still getting tried. | ||
| He's getting tried again for something now? | ||
| Yeah, but none of that shit's about steroids. | ||
| It's about perjury, perjuring yourself. | ||
| About steroids. | ||
| About steroids, but it's really you lied under oath. | ||
| It's the Clinton thing. | ||
| It wasn't the blowjob. | ||
| It's that you said you didn't get one under oath. | ||
| You swore that you would tell the truth. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're going after that dude for doing steroids in baseball. | ||
| Leave the bankers. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Leave those guys alone. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| With this motherfucker trying to claim he's got 300 victories. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| We've got to stop this. | ||
| How strange is that? | ||
| It isn't. | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| But I mean, in 2012, they would waste any time on that. | ||
| The fact that it got to Congress. | ||
| Congress. | ||
| They had congressional hearings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I was talking about baseball. | ||
| Everybody gives a fuck about baseball. | ||
| You got a mobbed up ref. | ||
| The fucking NBA is able to handle that in-house. | ||
| It was just him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| See you later. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Games at seven. | ||
| And this stuff here, for some reason, they had to get involved. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't fucking read. | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I never notice how truly uninformed I am until I get behind a microphone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I always just hear the audience going like, dude, that isn't how it is. | |
| And it's just fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Dude, it is so fucking ridiculous that I've been able to earn a living and be able to eat three times a day with just the unbelievable lack of fucking information that I have. | ||
| You can just act like an idiot in strip malls around the country. | ||
| Yeah, but there's a beauty in that. | ||
| There's a beauty in that lack of information. | ||
| That's the weed talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's a beautiful thing. | ||
| There's a beauty in it. | ||
| That's your thing. | ||
| This has been driving me nuts the whole time. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I thought this was added prosthetics to this fucking cat's head. | ||
| Poor cat's head broke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I moved in here, that was the first thing that broke. | |
| It was my favorite cat. | ||
| Are you a cat person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to be until recently. | |
| Now I'm done with all animals, I think. | ||
| You have to give them too much attention, and I don't have that time. | ||
| Well, cat would be good. | ||
| Cats are like the loners, man. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| I'll come to you when I need you. | ||
| Yeah, you think that, but, you know, it's... | ||
| My cat's a needy bitch. | ||
| Yeah, my cats are getting... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The older they get... | |
| Yeah, my cat is super needy when I'm trying to write. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meow, meow, meow. | |
| Tries to get in my lap all the time. | ||
| And I'll give her, like, a little bit and try to send her on her way. | ||
| But after a while, I'm like, come on, I gotta write. | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| And then I have to pick her up and take her out of the room. | ||
| I have to take her out of the room and shut the door. | ||
| Cats have that voodoo vibe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They know the date you're going to die. | ||
| They have that look in their eye. | ||
| They're definitely different. | ||
| I would not be surprised if cats couldn't see some shit that we can't see, know some shit that we can't know. | ||
| They say that animals are the ones that know when earthquakes are coming. | ||
| They start fucking freaking out, and they run uphill. | ||
| Like when the tsunami came, no animals died in that shit. | ||
| Well, not no animals died. | ||
| Very few animals died, like regular animals, like deers and shit. | ||
| Because they all ran away. | ||
| They all knew it was coming. | ||
| They feel it. | ||
| They have senses that we don't need. | ||
| It's because they're barefoot. | ||
| They're on their hooves. | ||
| They can feel the rumbling. | ||
| You're sitting there on your flip-flops. | ||
| That rubber, that's all you need. | ||
| That little half-inch of rubber. | ||
| And you're not going to feel it. | ||
| No barefoot guy died in that tsunami, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| The last thing people heard before that wave crash was the slap of human feet running by them. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Remember that video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100% true. | |
| The dog bit this video? | ||
| When the dog heard the earthquake? | ||
| No, I don't think I know this video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch this. | |
| There's no sound to this, I don't believe. | ||
| Which earthquake is this? | ||
| Well, then how the fuck can we prove it? | ||
| But watch, you can hear the dog freaks out. | ||
| What earthquake is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It was in 2010. We can find out in a sec. | ||
| Is this Japan? | ||
| No, but see, the dog runs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then watch. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Whoa, that is scary as fuck, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's another view of the dog just running. | |
| The dog's just like, go fuck yourself. | ||
| Whoa, look at all those cars move outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is such a dumb place to live. | |
| We live in the dumbest place ever. | ||
| We're just rolling the dice and hoping that the ground doesn't open up and swallow the city while we're here. | ||
| Yeah, but it's all... | ||
| Every place is dumb. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is gonna be something... | ||
| You live out in the middle of nowhere, then some grizzly bear can come and eat your face. | ||
| Have you been watching Mountain Men? | ||
| No, but I have the utmost... | ||
| You mean like Out Your Window? | ||
| No, it's a new show. | ||
| It's a new show. | ||
| History Channel. | ||
| I have the utmost respect for fucking rednecks and mountain men and people who can just live off the land. | ||
| Green berets. | ||
| Just fucking drop them in the middle of nowhere and they can just get a fire going and just live out there. | ||
| You should know how to do that. | ||
| This is a mountain man show. | ||
| It's a fascinating show. | ||
| A bunch of guys who live in different parts of the country, all of them in the mountains. | ||
| One guy runs his whole farm and he puts on classes and teaches people how to survive, trains people how to survive in the wilderness so that you can live off the land. | ||
| Shows you how to plant kale, shows you how to hunt deer, shows you how to make homemade deer stands. | ||
| He's doing all this shit, and another guy is living up in Montana, and this motherfucker has a gigantic grizzly bear that's stalking his house, and they see this thing. | ||
| They got this thing on film, and they're shining a light on it. | ||
| It's fucking enormous, and it's just wandering around his yard. | ||
| They footprints this thing the next day, and they're huge. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking giant bear, and it's hungry because it's starting to get snowy, and he wants to hibernate, but it doesn't have any food in his stomach. | ||
| So go get him some fucking sandwiches. | ||
| Fucking have a big bag of raw meat out there. | ||
| Let him get the itis. | ||
| That's the last thing you want to do. | ||
| No, he'll chow that down. | ||
| He'll get sleepy. | ||
| You can never do that. | ||
| If you feed a bear, they always remember where they got it from and they come back for more. | ||
| Nah, that's an urban myth. | ||
| It started by those park rangers just trying to get some press. | ||
| You know what I wanted to watch was... | ||
| The tweets are coming in now. | ||
| Fuck you, Bill Burr. | ||
| You don't even respect animals. | ||
| Unfollow. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Like, I give a shit. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| Unfollow the fuck out of me, please. | ||
| I like the threat that I'm going to unfollow you. | ||
| Dude, if you have one more sports text, I'm going to unfollow you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unfollow. | |
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Follow through with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to see that show with the people who are preparing for the apocalypse. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| I wanted to watch that. | ||
| What show is that? | ||
| That's another thing that you're an idiot until it goes down. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, you look like a nut until everybody needs water. | ||
| The guy who sticks the money in the mattress is a fucking idiot because what if someone breaks into the house and then the banking system collapses, right? | ||
| The real problem is not going to be storing food and containing water, because you could do that. | ||
| You could store food and water, and likely you could ride it out for a couple of months or so. | ||
| The real problem is going to be your neighbor probably didn't do that. | ||
| That's going to be the real problem. | ||
| The other people that are close that were poor, that were living day to day and check to check, what the fuck are they going to do when food stops coming in? | ||
| That's when the real problem kicks in. | ||
| So it might not help that you have a lot of water and a lot of food. | ||
| Plant your food in the backyard. | ||
| You don't advertise it by being in the backyard. | ||
| Everyone's going to see. | ||
| Or what you do is... | ||
| They're going to be coming through your yard in the middle of the night and stealing your vegetables. | ||
| What you got to do is link up with your other paranoid neighbors. | ||
| This is like a great beginning to a fucking movie, right? | ||
| You fucking, they link up. | ||
| You got like three or four paranoid families on one block. | ||
| And when the shit goes down, my house is the rally point, and we fight off all these other suckers. | ||
| And meanwhile, we're bringing them bunt cakes and everything's fucking cool, right? | ||
| I only got the first ten pages. | ||
| Don't look at me like this is going to go all the way through. | ||
| This is like a Shane Black script. | ||
| Who's Shane Black? | ||
| Shane Black? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't that famous screenplay guy? | |
| It's like Red Dawn where you gotta kill your classmate except it's your fucking neighbor. | ||
| Somebody pees into a radiator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| You know, Russia is getting involved in Syria and they're selling Syria these giant attack planes. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| They were talking about this in the news. | ||
| That now Syria is going to have these crazy Russian attack helicopters. | ||
| Can I be honest? | ||
| None of that scares me anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I have given in to the fact that this is our destiny. | ||
| Our destiny is that we are going to fuck ourselves over. | ||
| And, you know, you can only die once. | ||
| You just hope you don't have a chimp on your back eating your hip. | ||
| I just don't want to go out that way. | ||
| You know, you want to shoot some shit at me and fucking, you know, blow me to smithereens? | ||
| How long am I going to give a fuck for? | ||
| I'm just going to be like, for like half a second, it's over. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| What if you get your legs blown off and then you have to live as a prisoner of war? | ||
| I'll bleed out. | ||
| How do you know you'll be able to bleed out? | ||
| What am I going to push my legs up against a frying pan and try to cauterize the, is that the right word? | ||
| Sometimes they get fused from the blast. | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| I talked about this on my podcast. | ||
| If I was ever faced with that challenge, I don't... | ||
| No, I could do that, but if I was neck down, there's no way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I would just sit there and I would be going along with everybody and be like, wow, he's so positive. | ||
| I'd learn how to steer my own wheelchair with my tongue and the first chance daylight I got at a staircase, I'd just fucking steer it right over. | ||
| I'd set myself right down. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| People who do that and they can write a book are the most amazing human beings on the planet because there's no way I would pass that test. | ||
| Stephen Hawking is the craziest situation, huh? | ||
| Guy in a wheelchair, can't even talk, can barely move his hand to communicate, and he scrolls through words. | ||
| He has some method of doing that, and then this thing reads what he says, and says it out loud. | ||
| That's un-fucking-believable. | ||
| Yeah, and he's like the top scientist in the world. | ||
| Like I said, I should have died after the appendicitis. | ||
| I'm one of the weak. | ||
| There's just no way... | ||
| Well, he's like one of the rare guys that lived... | ||
| Took three jiu-jitsu classes. | ||
| I tapped out for good. | ||
| LAUGHTER I'm out. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| You should come to jiu-jitsu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My elbows hurt. | |
| Come with me tonight, man. | ||
| Look, I know I'm not a man. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| I don't need to go down there and have it reinforced. | ||
| All you guys could twist me to a pretzel. | ||
| Just for exercise, it'll calm you down and make you feel better. | ||
| Dude, I'm like the calmest I've been in my life. | ||
| I'm always going to sound like I'm in a bad mood because I have the East Coast accent. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Look, dude, you're fucking phony calm down. | ||
| You smoke weed. | ||
| Well, I calm down from exercise, too. | ||
| Weed doesn't necessarily calm me down as it does make me just a little more sensitive. | ||
| Red Band, are you buying this? | ||
| You think weed calms me down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, you are a completely different person. | ||
| Like, when I met you in, like, 96, 97... | ||
| You were a good guy, but you were one of the most intense fucking dudes. | ||
| It was like this switch somewhere in your life was flipped and the shit was on. | ||
| I don't even know how you slept. | ||
| You were like fucking goal line defense. | ||
| Middle linebacker. | ||
| That shit doesn't mean anything to you. | ||
| I'm using sports analogies. | ||
| Like, you were a fucking intense dude. | ||
| And every story I heard about you at Taekwondo events, I believed all of it after meeting you for, like, literally about 25 seconds. | ||
| Well, I was transitioning then, still. | ||
| That was still just a few years after I stopped fighting. | ||
| You sound like a guy trying to make parole. | ||
| No, it was true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was transgender. | |
| When I was a young guy. | ||
| Crazier when I was younger? | ||
| I was going three. | ||
| My entire childhood was spent competing in martial arts tournaments from the time I was like 15 to the time I was 22 was my last fight. | ||
| So do you think it made you like that or it tapped into something that was already there? | ||
| I don't think I would have been that intense if I didn't have to deal with really dangerous shit on a regular basis. | ||
| It was the fact that you were fighting in tournaments on a regular basis and Nothing ever happened to me. | ||
| I never got hurt, but I easily could have. | ||
| I easily could have zigged when I should have zagged and got knocked the fuck out. | ||
| It just never happened. | ||
| I only lost once in a kickboxing match. | ||
| Not that I didn't lose before in Taekwondo, but lost once by stoppage. | ||
| The only time I ever got stopped was in a kickboxing match. | ||
| That was the third fight in a day, and I had terrible nutrition back then. | ||
| Always getting sick. | ||
| You know, didn't really take vitamins and shit. | ||
| And I was on the fence back then. | ||
| I was, like, doing stand-up and fighting at the same time. | ||
| So it wasn't, like, a bad knockout. | ||
| I got dropped by a left hook, and then I got up, and my legs just wouldn't work. | ||
| And he hit me again, and I fell down again, and they stopped the fight. | ||
| Like, it was just, uh... | ||
| He had hit my jaw, like, in the perfect spot, and everything gave out. | ||
| And I was thinking about it, like, when I was going back, that there's one of two things I'm going to do. | ||
| Either I'm going to go fucking crazy now... | ||
| and rededicate myself and try to be a world champion kickboxer and just use the fact that I got tired in the third fight of the day as motivation to just run extra miles and do extra plyometrics and do extra rounds Or be a stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of a no-brainer. | ||
| That's the way I'm built. | ||
| That's a no-brainer. | ||
| I was like, I can't. | ||
| There's no reward in that. | ||
| There was no Ultimate Fighting Championship back then. | ||
| So I had to reprogram my brain. | ||
| My brain was used to always thinking about martial arts competition. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| It was dodging kicks, landing your own. | ||
| Getting in, closing the distance, and forcing your game plan. | ||
| That's what my whole day was spent fighting in my head. | ||
| Even if I wasn't fighting, I'd be fighting in my head. | ||
| When I had girlfriends, they'd sleep over, and I would throw kicks in the middle of the night. | ||
| Like, boom! | ||
| My whole body would jolt like a kick, because I was having a fighting dream. | ||
| So I was terrified. | ||
| I was constantly terrified. | ||
| I got really good at it because I was absolutely horrified of it. | ||
| I just did not want to get my ass kicked. | ||
| And I was already doing it. | ||
| I'm like, well, if this is what we're doing, then we've got to get really fucking good at this because this is not something you can half-ass. | ||
| Dudes are kicking dudes in the face and knocking people unconscious. | ||
| Like, this is fucking terrifying. | ||
| I saw it happen so many times. | ||
| I saw it happen to good friends. | ||
| I saw it happen to people who are better than me. | ||
| They just fought the wrong dude at the wrong time, which easily could have happened to me. | ||
| It didn't, but it easily could have. | ||
| Like, our instructor never protected us at all. | ||
| He put us, even when we were like kids, we were teenagers, he would put us in the men's division. | ||
| And tell you you're good enough to fight as a black belt when you were a blue belt or a red belt. | ||
| He wanted to see who was crazy. | ||
| He wanted to develop a team of people who didn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's so funny that you could do that with kids. | ||
| That guy would be on the, at the very least, local news. | ||
| It was very cultish. | ||
| The martial arts schools are very cultish. | ||
| It's, yes sir! | ||
| No sir! | ||
| It's almost military. | ||
| It's always bowing when you see them. | ||
| You always bow. | ||
| You always call them sir. | ||
| It was very much like that. | ||
| I've never been able to exist in that dynamic, no matter what it was. | ||
| I needed it. | ||
| I needed it. | ||
| I grew up without a dad. | ||
| I have a stepdad, but my real dad, I knew he was alive and I didn't communicate with him, so it always fucked with me. | ||
| So I needed some sort of intense discipline to get my shit together. | ||
| It's the first time I ever felt like I had any control of my life at all was when I started doing martial arts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, finally, I can fucking get good at something. | |
| Look at this, I'm good at this shit. | ||
| So that's why I was so wound up when you first met me. | ||
| It took me a while to relax. | ||
| If you're trying to be the best in the world to kick a people in the face, that's an intense pursuit. | ||
| But I find that the few fighters that I have met, most of them, and I always felt, because it's like they already proved... | ||
| That they're a fucking guy's guy in the ring. | ||
| That when they're hanging around, they're just relaxed. | ||
| They don't want any problems. | ||
| Most of them, yeah. | ||
| Most of them are really tired from training, too. | ||
| You know, when you're a fighter, you know, man. | ||
| When you're not training, you're just trying to kick back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I never thought of that. | |
| I just always thought, like, eh, I just knocked the guy out on television. | ||
| No, they're usually confident. | ||
| I went into a ring wearing no shirt. | ||
| It's just like blood sport. | ||
| I kicked the fuck out of this guy. | ||
| I don't give a shit about you and your darkest. | ||
| Go ahead, talk shit. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Like, I always felt like that vibe. | ||
| So I always felt that they were... | ||
| After I met a couple, it's like, oh, these guys, yeah, they're chill. | ||
| They don't have anything to prove walking around. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely that, too. | ||
| Definitely that they don't have anything to prove. | ||
| The worst part about being a man is dealing with dickheads, you know, and the less dickheads, like the smallest amount of dickheads in the world that I operate in is guys at the gym. | ||
| Nicest guys. | ||
| When I go to jiu-jitsu class, fucking everybody in the class is nice. | ||
| There's no dickheads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None. | |
| Everybody's just training hard, doing their thing, and it's fun. | ||
| I think it's way easier to be a nice guy when you know how to fight. | ||
| It's just way easier. | ||
| It removes a big thing that fucks with a lot of dudes' heads. | ||
| It's also easy if you don't know how to fight, like me, if you just be nice. | ||
| Well, be nice, too. | ||
| People don't fuck with you. | ||
| I believe in being nice, too. | ||
| It's not like people fuck with me. | ||
| I really get away with very little fucking with. | ||
| Most people are really nice to me. | ||
| People say, is it weird, like, people coming up to you that, you know, you don't know them, they know you. | ||
| No, most of the time they're just being nice. | ||
| Like 99.999% of the time they're being nice. | ||
| But I'd rather be the guy who can defend himself than a guy who worries about some weird fucking person doing something to them. | ||
| He just described me. | ||
| I don't want to plant any seeds in your head. | ||
| He just described me. | ||
| I don't overly worry. | ||
| But I've got... | ||
| I live in a house now. | ||
| And ever since I've lived in a house now, there is something fucking unsettling about that. | ||
| Where it's just you in that... | ||
| When someone comes in, they're getting you. | ||
| Whereas, like, an apartment building, there's a bunch of options. | ||
| It's like a buffet. | ||
| The apartment building thing is weird, too. | ||
| Because you don't know what the fuck these people are up to. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Who knows what that guy... | ||
| Where's this guy making his money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I know where you live. | |
| But I know where you live. | ||
| So if you're gonna do something, you're gonna fuck with your neighbor. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| That's weird too though, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you look at each other across the hall. | |
| Hey, how you doing? | ||
| You shut your door. | ||
| He shuts his. | ||
| This fucking door to his. | ||
| He's sleeping right there. | ||
| He's like feet away from you. | ||
| Or he moves out and then you feel like a loser. | ||
| I bet he's going to a better building. | ||
| They're never moving back home. | ||
| They're always moving on. | ||
| I remember Patrice used to talk about that. | ||
| He used to talk about how people moving out of... | ||
| When he was young, when he would see neighbors moving away, he would always be looking out the window all sad. | ||
| He would get, like, depressed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I don't know why. | ||
| We used to laugh our asses off talking about that kind of shit. | ||
| Just picturing Big Patrice sitting there. | ||
| A little sad Patrice. | ||
| All bummed out. | ||
| Yeah, like he's in some sort of Christmas episode or something. | ||
| I lived in a real cheap apartment complex in Revere. | ||
| When I was first moving out on my own, I lived with a girl there. | ||
| And I remember it was really cheap. | ||
| It was a shady place. | ||
| It was not good. | ||
| And all these fucking people would be cooking weird shit. | ||
| Walk down the hallway, you'd smell all kinds of weird ethnic food. | ||
| It was just very strange. | ||
| The aromas of food were so potent in poor neighborhoods. | ||
| It's very rare you walk into a real high-end apartment complex and you smell some fucking goulash. | ||
| Like goulash. | ||
| Tense spices. | ||
| Someone's fucking making fish head soup. | ||
| You know what's funny is I can hear that metal door slamming and echoing. | ||
| My first apartment I lived in in New York when I would walk in. | ||
| There's just that overwhelming smell of somebody cooking some fucking cow's head. | ||
| They got out of the market. | ||
| Me and Bobby used to live together in this place in the Upper East Side with this Nigerian dude. | ||
| He came home one day. | ||
| With all this fucking meat that he had bought or whatever. | ||
| And he cooked Bobby some and Bobby ate it. | ||
| It kind of tasted a little gamey. | ||
| He was like, what is this? | ||
| And he was like, it's a cow. | ||
| He goes, I don't know what kind. | ||
| It's a cow. | ||
| I don't know if he was eating a hoof. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| Part of the cheek or something. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck he was eating. | ||
| But it was the weirdest looking... | ||
| The texture of it. | ||
| I didn't fuck with it. | ||
| I didn't fuck with it. | ||
| That's when Bobby should have known that he had some sort of food issue or he was starving. | ||
| Because he said, fuck it. | ||
| You know, Bobby's a more open dude anyway. | ||
| So he's like, yeah, I'll try this shit. | ||
| And I looked at him and I was like, I'm not fucking with that. | ||
| That looks like a tree stump. | ||
| That's supposed to look like a rump roast. | ||
| He pukes easily, doesn't he? | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Doesn't he have like a gag thing where he just starts puking nonstop if he hears something? | ||
| You know, I've never seen that. | ||
| Doesn't Ebrock have that? | ||
| Yeah, I think he does. | ||
| Because remember, like, Jimmy pulled his... | ||
| He had his belly button. | ||
| He came in his belly button. | ||
| He put his finger in his belly button. | ||
| He was making people smell it. | ||
| I smelled it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| Why? | ||
| It's because I wanted to know. | ||
| I wanted to know what it smelled like. | ||
| What did it taste like? | ||
| I didn't taste it, you silly bitch. | ||
| That's the most disgusting thing. | ||
| I did smell it, though. | ||
| I got to tell you, though. | ||
| The guy asked me if I wanted to smell it. | ||
| You know, I'm right there. | ||
| I don't want to be rude. | ||
| The closest I ever came to puking in public like that was on the Opie and Anthony. | ||
| Oh, you were fucking there! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baby Bird. | |
| Baby Bird. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, before that, when they had the eggnog drinking contest. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That, to this day, is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. | ||
| And it was absolutely brilliant. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| Nathaniel. | ||
| You were the one who said the only thing they can top that is if somebody leaned back and opened their mouth and had somebody puke into it. | ||
| So you had the idea and then Nathaniel named it. | ||
| Nathaniel called it the baby bird. | ||
| Which made it. | ||
| That made it. | ||
| Because think about it. | ||
| Have you ever seen a baby bird get fed by its mother? | ||
| The mother essentially opens its mouth and fucking yaks in the kid's mouth. | ||
| It's so hard to watch. | ||
| It's so glorious. | ||
| I told that story three days later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell the whole story so the people who didn't see it know what happened. | |
| It was an eggnog drinking contest. | ||
| Even if you like eggnog, eggnog is fucking disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's unbelievably sugary and heavy. | |
| Dude, every time I tell the story, I start to gag. | ||
| I haven't told it in a while. | ||
| Incredible story. | ||
| So basically, what you had to do is you had to do a double shot of eggnog every 30 seconds or once a minute. | ||
| It was like every few seconds. | ||
| I don't remember what the time was. | ||
| It couldn't be once a minute because he had 72 shots. | ||
| So it couldn't have been once a minute. | ||
| No, he didn't know. | ||
| He was up to 40-something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I don't remember. | ||
| Why do I want to say 72? | ||
| You wouldn't think it would be bad. | ||
| Yeah, let's just watch it. | ||
| That's the great Pat Duffy. | ||
| I remember this young man's name. | ||
| He's an intern, and I remember his name. | ||
| Pat Duffy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Legend. | |
| You are a savage, sir. | ||
| This is Pat from Budaki. | ||
| 73. 73. Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| How's the memory, kids? | ||
| 73. Yeah, so anyway, Pat from Wunaki is, by the way, a diabetic. | ||
| Who lost a toe to the disease. | ||
| So he has to get this out, just right after it comes in. | ||
| And it starts going, and he's, oh my god! | ||
| And when it comes out, it comes out in giant clumps at first, but then after a while, it comes out cartoonish. | ||
| Right there! | ||
| That's cartoonish! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is cartoonish. | |
| That is cartoonish. | ||
| That is... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cartoonish. | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my... | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| That's insane! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The sheer volume is insane! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Again! | |
| That guy's the Peter North to throw up. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Spit on him! | ||
| That is the most fucked up thing ever! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you top that? | |
| You can't top that. | ||
| That was the greatest moment in radio history. | ||
| And only Opie and Anthony would be fucking crazy enough to do something like that. | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
| That was genius. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've only been watching the PowTalk version this whole time. | |
| I just never really watched the real version. | ||
| I've always been watching the PowTalk version. | ||
| It's so much better quality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| There's a couple different cameras in the room. | ||
| I told that story like three days later. | ||
| I mean, that's insane. | ||
| Check it out on openanthony.com if that's... | ||
| And then they try to clean his head off. | ||
| They didn't even have a shower for this young man. | ||
| It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| The greatest moment in radio history because it was just so... | ||
| The stars aligned with a guy who's 300 fucking pounds who could drink 73 shots of eggnog. | ||
| There's no morning show has ever even come close to that. | ||
| No! | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| Nothing in the neighborhood. | ||
| And then just the stars aligning with this Pat Duffy character being so incredibly insane. | ||
| He had already built his way up to it. | ||
| What about all the shit that led up to that? | ||
| There was all those funny nicknames we had. | ||
| There was the one guy, he would take the shot, and then when someone would go to puke, because basically, we didn't explain, last person to not puke wins. | ||
| So what would happen was people would be getting full of eggnog, and you're not going to puke, but then someone would puke, which would make you puke. | ||
| So this fucking guy, every time someone would go to puke, he would walk three steps away and just face the wall. | ||
| We started calling him Blair Witch. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| And then there was the other guy who already puked, and he puked into like a fucking, I don't know, like a, what do you call it? | ||
| The thing you pour like orange? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pitcher. | |
| A pitcher. | ||
| He puked into that, then poured it on Froot Loops, and would start eating his own puke in Froot Loops to make other people puke. | ||
| That was the terrorist. | ||
| Because he was taking people out with him. | ||
| And I just remember there was so many... | ||
| And then I also remember... | ||
| And then there was Pat Fumunaki, the champion. | ||
| And after he won, he kept drinking. | ||
| And we were like, like a true champion, he's only competing with himself. | ||
| And he just... | ||
| He put the record... | ||
| He crushed the record. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That had to be like a gallon of eggnog. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| More, I think! | ||
| Yeah, it was like buckets. | ||
| If you look at these, it's double shots. | ||
| I mean, he's not lying. | ||
| Bill's not lying. | ||
| If you go and watch it, you will not believe. | ||
| What is the video you just played? | ||
| What versions? | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| Yeah, I just went to YouTube and typed in Opium Anthony. | ||
| Baby Bird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baby Bird. | |
| And the first one. | ||
| Don't do the PowTalk version. | ||
| That one's the bad quality version. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, Eggnog Champion. | ||
| Most insane, you know, this thing, so I've been trying to tell this, when I told, Nia had one of her friends over, and I was telling the story, dude, and I was literally laying on the floor, crying, laughing, retelling the story, this is like three days later, while gagging. | ||
| And I remember Nia's friend was horrified. | ||
| She finally says, where do they get these people? | ||
| And that's what set me over the top. | ||
| I was like crying, like, I don't know. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| And I almost puked. | ||
| If I actually went into detail and went to tell that story, I would start gagging again. | ||
| I don't think I ever won't gag again. | ||
| Telling that story. | ||
| That was the most disgusting thing. | ||
| And the amount of people on the staff who... | ||
| Everybody gets the point. | ||
| The amount of people who puked. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The smell of fucking stomach lining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Whatever the hell it was. | ||
| All right, now it's getting gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my Sunday night. | |
| I just got... | ||
| I'm now finally over that, but I had food poisoning, and it fucking ruined my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's bullshit. | |
| It's such a great way to lose 10 pounds, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And it's true. | ||
| I did lose about 9 pounds. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good, dude. | ||
| You gotta be careful. | ||
| You gotta be careful with your sushi, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I can't even eat now. | |
| It makes me even feel nauseous. | ||
| Good. | ||
| You should use it as a time to get in great shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've been eating watermelon. | |
| What did you eat? | ||
| That's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sushi at Katsua or whatever it's called at Glendale Americana or whatever. | |
| And that's a decent place, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a nice place. | |
| But it was Sunday sushi. | ||
| People are like, dude, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ate sushi on a Sunday? | |
| Never do that. | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, it was happy hour sushi Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the worst time to go. | |
| Oh, because it's Friday sushi? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's old fish, yeah. | |
| Oh, and they're getting rid of it. | ||
| I never thought about that. | ||
| Did they not have a seven-day fish market? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I guess that's the thing. | |
| Sunday sushi. | ||
| I'd like to get Gordon Ramsay on in case. | ||
| It's so amazing how we've been able to cut that out of our lives. | ||
| That whole food gathering nonsense. | ||
| Like when I was watching this mountain men show and watching this poor guy with shitty rodeo knees. | ||
| He's going out looking for deer. | ||
| Like trying to get a deer some meat for the freezer while he's looking for bears constantly. | ||
| Like, what an amazing change of life it's happened when they figured out how to cut out that whole gathering food. | ||
| That was already bad enough. | ||
| Bad knees looking for a deer, and then he does the over-the-top wild looking for bears. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| You've got to watch the show. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| I just watched it last night for the first time. | ||
| I'm comfortable being in the Matrix. | ||
| You know, I'll starve to death. | ||
| It'll be a brutal month. | ||
| And then that'll be it. | ||
| I don't want to be walking around with my bad bag out in the fucking woods trying to shoot deer in the face. | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| Trying to gut it with some sharpened stick. | ||
| You got me, alright? | ||
| I'm part of the week. | ||
| I'm not supposed to be here. | ||
| That's just someone like you. | ||
| You'll tap back into your... | ||
| When you threw kicks at night. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just grow a crazy mountain man beard. | ||
| Wear animal skins. | ||
| Make my own spears. | ||
| That's the name of a good Bruce Springsteen album. | ||
| Make My Own Spirit? | ||
| No, When I Threw Kicks in the Night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I Threw Kicks in the Night. | |
| When I threw kicks in the night When I threw kicks in the night They just had something It would have to be like a breakup and marching where we weren't meant to be together. | ||
| And something about being young and getting out of the town. | ||
| Yeah, and then getting away from all the boozers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you go into the chorus when I threw kicks in the night He still write songs, huh? | |
| Bruce Springsteen is still out there rocking. | ||
| I have to see that guy live because Jim Norton is finally the guy who put me over the top because Jim was yet another guy who, I don't want to speak for him, but he didn't seem like he was a fan and then saw him live and was just like, dude, you've got to see this guy live. | ||
| He's just fucking insane. | ||
| As a performer, you've got to go see the guy. | ||
| Yeah, that's what Brian Cowan was saying. | ||
| The dude's like in his 60s. | ||
| He does full back bends and slides on his knees on stage. | ||
| Just like, you know, he's in fucking tremendous shape. | ||
| Puts out a three and a half hour show. | ||
| I did a stand-up show and he was one of the acts on it. | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Sickest lineup ever. | ||
| I did a thing called... | ||
| I know I've told this on like 20 different podcasts, but it's a great story. | ||
| I did this stand-up for the troops. | ||
| It's this great benefit. | ||
| It was at the Beacon Theater and this was the lineup. | ||
| It was the Max Weinberg band. | ||
| Was playing the music in between the acts and beforehand and afterhand. | ||
| Jon Stewart hosted. | ||
| First act out of the gate was Tony Bennett. | ||
| Then it was Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| Then they auctioned off one of Bruce Springsteen's guitar. | ||
| Went for like a hundred grand. | ||
| Then Joe McHale had to follow that. | ||
| Somehow did that. | ||
| Then me and then Seinfeld. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That was the show. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And I remember looking over, you know, waiting, you know, didn't want to go over because that's like Jerry. | ||
| It's the king. | ||
| I don't want to piss the guy. | ||
| And I looked over and he was literally like backlit with his suit on, like Jerry ready to go out on stage. | ||
| It was like fucking iconic. | ||
| And I was looking over, like, I'm at the Beacon Theater, and that's Jerry Seinfeld right there, gonna go on next. | ||
| One of the great, great nights of being in this business, man. | ||
| But I saw Bruce Springsteen sang one song, he was jumping all around, I was on the piano and everything, and I was just like, wow, this guy's, I can't do that. | ||
| This guy's got 25 years on me. | ||
| What song was it? | ||
| I don't know, I never got into his stuff. | ||
| So were you the first guy to do stand-up? | ||
| No, Joe McHale had to. | ||
| Joe McHale did. | ||
| Joe had to, yeah. | ||
| He's a good dude, man. | ||
| I did that talk shoot. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| It's nice to know there's still nice guys out there that can meet people that hang out with them for the first time. | ||
| My theory is most people are. | ||
| A vast percentage in our business are. | ||
| In comparison to the way people think of us, people think of comedians as being like, comedians are always miserable. | ||
| They hate life. | ||
| They're really only funny when they're on stage. | ||
| There's a lot of stereotypes that go along with being comedians. | ||
| There's a lot of truth in that. | ||
| I was miserable for a while. | ||
| Some, but the vast majority, you were miserable for a while? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Just, you know, what happens in your late 20s and early 30s when you don't think you're a psycho and you don't think you're out of your mind and then you realize, oh, wait a minute, I'm completely out of my fucking mind. | ||
| I'm just, you know, I, you know... | ||
| You're just walking around saying hello to people. | ||
| Hi, how are you? | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
| You know, paying your bills on time and you think you're normal. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, you know, some shit happens and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm this guy. | ||
| I need to work on this, need to work on that. | ||
| Hopefully, you make the right choices by the time you get to your late 30s. | ||
| I don't know, this is just how it happened for me. | ||
| I started leveling out and being like, alright, what am I going to be angry for the rest of my fucking life? | ||
| I certainly do that too. | ||
| Pot can't be 100% to blame for me calming down. | ||
| But it's a bunch of things. | ||
| There becomes that point where you're either going to steer it into the wall or you're just going to try to chill a little bit. | ||
| But getting back to the other thing, though, there's just way too many talented fucking people in this business for you, I feel, even if you... | ||
| We're a dick to get away with it. | ||
| Because all they're waiting for is that first project you do to flop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just looking for it. | ||
| I mean, they're going to hang with you while you're making them money. | ||
| Well, there are a lot of people that are dicks, and then they stop working. | ||
| I have friends that are directors, and they tell me horror stories about having to work with some crazy lady who yells at them on the set and demands changes to her character because her character wouldn't do this. | ||
| I'm like, God, we've got to get through this fucking season with her, and then they're going to kill her off. | ||
| I mean, it's like, they tell you stories about shit like that, and you're like, God, this business is just... | ||
| No, you can get away with that for a little while, but like, you know... | ||
| Not very often. | ||
| Yeah, the next you is getting off the bus every day. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you're just going to go the performer route. | ||
| So there's always going to be somebody younger, fresher face, whatever. | ||
| And so if you... | ||
| You can't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how you survive doing it the other way, so... | ||
| Well, we all know guys. | ||
| I've yet to be on anything. | ||
| I mean, I haven't done a lot of acting stuff, but everything I've ever done, everybody's been unbelievably nice. | ||
| Yeah, but we all know guys, especially comics, that are kind of cunts. | ||
| Yeah, but how far did they get? | ||
| Some get pretty far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get pretty far. | |
| You're killing me. | ||
| I was thinking there was a justice in the world. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, the examples that I could pull up, especially my favorite example, has kind of been diffused. | ||
| But Mencia is a bad guy. | ||
| He was a vindictive guy. | ||
| What he was doing in comics was... | ||
| He was going after them. | ||
| He'd take their shit and do it right before they went on stage. | ||
| Like that kind of thing. | ||
| Take your clothes and a bit. | ||
| Do it right before you go up. | ||
| Try to kick your legs out from under you. | ||
| That was a bad guy. | ||
| And that was a guy who did it for a long time. | ||
| He did it for a long time. | ||
| It didn't last because eventually people figured it out. | ||
| But for a long time it did work. | ||
| I've never had to be around somebody like that. | ||
| We're lucky. | ||
| Show business shelters them though. | ||
| There's a little bit of shelter. | ||
| Subtle stuff I've been around, but nothing to that hardcore level. | ||
| I keep thinking that's Ellen DeGeneres. | ||
| Who, you? | ||
| No, Hillary Clinton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought he was talking about me. | |
| I thought you were looking at your video and going, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| No, Ellen's way, way better looking than Jesus Christ. | ||
| Don't do that to her. | ||
| I just thought of the corner of my eye. | ||
| Hillary Clinton stole Ellen DeGeneres' old school haircut. | ||
| Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Who she stole from Wayne Gretzky, if you really want to be honest. | ||
| Yeah, that's a... | ||
| Yeah, Wayne Gretzky. | ||
| Wayne Gretzky. | ||
| Okay, Ellen... | ||
| Okay, she had... | ||
| This is how that haircut goes. | ||
| Before her, Ellen DeGeneres had that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Patrick Swayze. | |
| Before that, it was Wayne Gretzky. | ||
| That's Patrick Swayze, bro. | ||
| That's Roadhouse. | ||
| That's what's amazing about the 80s is a guy had Hillary Clinton's haircut. | ||
| A lot of guys had Hillary Clinton's haircut in the 80s. | ||
| A lot of guys did. | ||
| I would have if my hair didn't grow out like an afro. | ||
| I would have rocked that thing. | ||
| I tried to grow the mullet. | ||
| I did. | ||
| But my hair was too afro-ish. | ||
| It would just grow out. | ||
| So I looked like a red-headed Juan Epstein. | ||
| So I was like, I can't do this. | ||
| Juan Epstein, he hits us with a Welcome Back Cotter reference. | ||
| Nobody knows who Juan Epstein is, man. | ||
| He just passed away. | ||
| He did? | ||
| He just passed away a few months back. | ||
| He played my brother on news radio. | ||
| He did? | ||
| How cool was it to meet him? | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| It was Nick DiPaolo, Brian Callen, and Epstein from Welcome Back Hotter. | ||
| Did he tell you any Juan Epstein stories? | ||
| No, really. | ||
| He was just happy to be working, nice guy to be around, friendly guy. | ||
| It's hard for them, man. | ||
| It's hard for a lot of those dudes that didn't work, you know? | ||
| They did this big hit sitcom, and then they had a hard time getting work after it. | ||
| Meanwhile, John Travolta takes off and becomes this fucking gigantic movie star and just sort of eclipses them. | ||
| And then it becomes a story of, well, how come these guys haven't gotten any work when John Travolta is a superstar? | ||
| You were in the same movie-ish TV show as John Travolta? | ||
| How come you're not a superstar? | ||
| I don't know how actors do it, because, like... | ||
| If you're on a movie and it ends as a comedian, you still have it. | ||
| You just be a comedian. | ||
| Then you put on a new hour special and you can reinvent yourself and all that. | ||
| I think trying to make it just as an actor, a character actor, that's one of the hardest things ever. | ||
| It's got to be brutal. | ||
| And that's why so many of them are so phony. | ||
| Because they're constantly being politicians. | ||
| They constantly have to sort of protect their image and sell a certain image. | ||
| I find the same thing with actors. | ||
| I find that nice. | ||
| It's definitely a different energy. | ||
| It's a much more not as intense... | ||
| As comics? | ||
| Yeah, comics, you know, comics just, you're up there by yourself, people are going to heckle you, you have defenses up, where they're kind of more like, they're a little more open, you know, they came about this in like acting class, and everybody's got to go up there, and much more healthier, sort of easing into this business. | ||
| Sort of, but I mean, that's the only way to be, as a comic, it's a nutty fucking business. | ||
| No, absolutely. | ||
| Go on stage and It was some shit that you wrote down and made up, and you're gonna tell it to these people, and they're gonna laugh? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| And they're gonna pay money to hear that? | ||
| For an actor, all you have to do is pretend to be crazy. | ||
| The first time you did that, you wrote something, you thought it was gonna be funny, and you just say it, and there's nothing. | ||
| Just that fucking invisible kick to the chest. | ||
| You're so confused. | ||
| Like, I knew this was gonna be a huge bit for me. | ||
| Like, I just think I found my new closer. | ||
| Or what's worse was when you had one and it destroyed and then you went out and the first time you tried to recreate what you did the night before but you were thinking about the night before but you didn't realize the reason why it worked before was because you were in the moment and then you try to do what you did the night before and it falls flat. | ||
| That quiet ride home with yourself. | ||
| Yeah, and there's There is a reality of different fucking crowds. | ||
| You know, a lot of people like to say it's never the crowd. | ||
| That is absolute horseshit. | ||
| Because there's some crazy fucking crowds. | ||
| And there's some crowds... | ||
| We'll tell a joke. | ||
| You know it's a great fucking joke. | ||
| This is your fucking ace in the hole. | ||
| Starting off slow, but I'm going to hit him with this, and away we go. | ||
| And clunk. | ||
| It just comes out. | ||
| No, this isn't the crowd. | ||
| There's something wrong with this fucking crowd. | ||
| You know, when you're just showing up. | ||
| Did you do any strip clubs or anything like that? | ||
| Did you ever emcee a strip club? | ||
| Strip clubs. | ||
| Rock and roll show. | ||
| I'm trying to filter all the ones that I went to, and I'm trying to think if there was ever a show. | ||
| Is there ever a show? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Did you ever do road gigs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I did. | |
| You did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| I did. | ||
| There was this titty bar in New York City, but this was weird. | ||
| Like, on the other side was the titty bar. | ||
| It was during that Giuliani stuff where he was like, okay, 40% of this can't be pornography. | ||
| Yeah, pornographic. | ||
| Pornography? | ||
| Pornography? | ||
| You see how fucking stupid I am? | ||
| I was trying to say pornographic. | ||
| I said pornograph. | ||
| And I thought I was on the right track. | ||
| And I just kept going, pornograph? | ||
| It's going to come to you. | ||
| It's going to... | ||
| Ah, fuck. | ||
| Pornographic. | ||
| So technically, we were there. | ||
| But there was no girls walking around with titties out or anything like that. | ||
| Oh, it just reminds me. | ||
| I remember some girl told me a street joke. | ||
| A really bad street joke. | ||
| And involved lifting up her dress and show me her pussy. | ||
| What the hell was it? | ||
| And I couldn't end it hard to tell her that I already heard that joke. | ||
| And she went all the way with getting like the tattoo. | ||
| Did you want to see my... | ||
| You want to see my pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what she said. | |
| You want to see my pussy? | ||
| And she lifts up her skirt and it's a tattoo of a cat. | ||
| And says, I guess I'm mouse-aided or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How the fuck does it go? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tattoo of a cat. | ||
| How the fuck does that go? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't remember the end of the joke. | ||
| And she did it, and I'd already heard the joke. | ||
| I laughed anyways because I didn't have the heart to be like, yeah, I already heard that one. | ||
| Someone else has that joke on their body. | ||
| Am I bombing at this point? | ||
| I feel like I am. | ||
| I have to go to this pit bull thing. | ||
| What is the pit bull thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's for a shelter that gets people to rescue those beautiful dogs. | ||
| That are fucking awesome and they have you back and they'll love you to death and they'll rip somebody's face off if they come to the door. | ||
| They're tough action around other dogs. | ||
| You have to be careful with them around other dogs. | ||
| Dude, you know what it's like? | ||
| It's like driving a sports car. | ||
| You have a lethal weapon that there's a responsibility. | ||
| It's like owning a gun. | ||
| It's like anything else. | ||
| It's not like either one of those things because you can control both of those things. | ||
| You can't control an animal that has its own will and desire. | ||
| You need to step into my dojo. | ||
| Dogs, I love pit bulls to death, but they're dangerous dogs. | ||
| They are dangerous dogs, but you respect that. | ||
| But you have to respect that they are dangerous. | ||
| That's why I worked with a trainer for like almost a year. | ||
| And at this point, me and my girl could take our dog, walk it through a bunch of five-year-olds holding raw meat, and there wouldn't be a fucking problem. | ||
| There just wouldn't be. | ||
| You say that, but you don't know that. | ||
| Because dogs do strange things. | ||
| I had a dog kill one of my dogs. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Came home and saw a fucking bloodbath in the kitchen. | ||
| I never would have suspected that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But also, how much did you read up on the breed before you got it? | ||
| Oh, I read up a lot. | ||
| I've had them for years. | ||
| I've had them for most of my life. | ||
| I don't want to get into this debate. | ||
| No, look, I love the dogs. | ||
| I love the dogs. | ||
| I sat here. | ||
| I supported you and your lifestyle. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And as I'm walking out, hyping my fucking little charity thing I'm going to, all of a sudden I'm getting static. | ||
| I see how this game is. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
| I do love them. | ||
| This is a bait and switch. | ||
| I do love them. | ||
| I've had a bunch of them. | ||
| All dogs are fucking nuts. | ||
| They're nuts, okay? | ||
| They are nuts. | ||
| These are great dogs. | ||
| I love mine to death. | ||
| It's tougher than I'll ever be. | ||
| You ever see my bodyguard? | ||
| That's what my dog is. | ||
| I'm like the little nerd riding on the handlebars trying to find that piece for the carburetor. | ||
| You have a pit bull? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| How is he around other dogs? | ||
| Likes little dogs, gets competitive with big dogs. | ||
| So we don't take it to the dog park. | ||
| Problem solved. | ||
| Just make sure that you have a sturdy leash and you never have them around dogs, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're great to have around the yard, man. | ||
| I'm way beyond that. | ||
| They're so smart. | ||
| That's like me saying, listen, make sure you don't stick your thumbs in here when you make a fist. | ||
| That's what you're saying to me right now, okay? | ||
| No, I'm not even suggesting it. | ||
| I'm just asking how you do it. | ||
| Do you have a philosophy behind it? | ||
| Some people don't have that philosophy. | ||
| They just say, I see problems coming, and I just cross them across the street. | ||
| That would be the martial arts version of just avoiding the fight. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| Hoping that collar holds up. | ||
| Yeah, you have to have the right kind of collar. | ||
| You have to know what to do with the collar. | ||
| If you know what to do and how to hold the leash, that thing's going to go the same way. | ||
| You get somebody in a hold, and where they want to stand up and sit down, they have no fucking control, because they're like, ah. | ||
| It's the same thing with, like, you know, the next, like, pivot point, you have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
a choker collar. | |
| The ones with the points where it doesn't put them to sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Those are fine. | ||
| They don't hurt them. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| Listen, you're going to get me in trouble here. | ||
| I have to go to a bunch of fucking tree huggers right now. | ||
| All right, man. | ||
| We'll save some pit bulls. | ||
| Anytime you want to come back and do it again. | ||
| When can people see you do stand-up? | ||
| I am going to be at the Improv in San Jose. | ||
| This weekend? | ||
| This weekend. | ||
| Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| My whole new hour is coming together. | ||
| And that is it. | ||
| The San Jose Improv is fucking awesome. | ||
| That's a really old theater. | ||
| That's a cool, old, historic place. | ||
| So thanks for coming by. | ||
| Follow Bill Burr on Twitter. | ||
| We're the ones to talk to him again on a Twitter page. | ||
| And now you've got like 100,000 people on that shit, right? | ||
| I was the first one to make you one. | ||
| I'm getting up there, yeah. | ||
| Brian was responsible for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| For your digital revolution. | ||
| It's Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R. Thanks, buddy. | ||
| Thanks for having me, guys. | ||
| All right, we'll see you. | ||
| Thanks to... | ||
| Should we just end this, Brian? | ||
| Do you have anything you want to say? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Friday night, Ice House, 10.30 p.m. | ||
| show. | ||
| We got, so far, a mad lineup of Brendan Walsh. | ||
| Who else is it? | ||
| Brendan Walsh. | ||
| Burt Kreischer, maybe. | ||
| Maybe Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Maybe Burt Kreischer, Eliza, Doug Benson, Aiko Tanaka, and a couple other people. | ||
| That shit's devastating, people. | ||
| 10.30 show, and me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm on that show, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nick Yusuf. | |
| Oh, Nick Yusuf, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kicking in the throw kicks in the night. | |
| I should name my special that throwing kicks in the night. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So come on down Friday night Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| Go to icehousecomedy.com for more details. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and if you enter in a codename ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Go get them, boys. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and the source of more twats on my message board than any other product I've ever been involved with in my life. | ||
| I want to thank you for exposing yourself. | ||
| Haters are like fucking snake venom. | ||
| You gotta go? | ||
| Later? | ||
| Bill Burr, I'm gonna leave. | ||
| Go to honor.com, click on the link for... | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Alpha Brain on my website? | ||
| I didn't remember what the link says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says Alpha Brain. | |
| Use the code name Brogan. | ||
| Save yourself 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| Lots of new stuff is coming down the pipes, including the kettlebells and the protein powder. | ||
| The kettlebells, I think you can buy them now online, but I'll let you know when the official launch happens. | ||
| All right, you dirty bitches. | ||
| We will see you Friday with the Nice House Chronicles that you can only listen to online, on Ustream, on my Ustream page, or on iTunes, on Death Squad. | ||
| So subscribe, and we'll see you soon. |
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