Joe Rogan and Brian Redban dive into unregulated supplements like Sleduline and AlphaBrain, debating their efficacy while Rogan defends nootropics, citing a friend’s success with antidepressants after trauma. They critique webcam porn ethics, from MyFreeCams’ token system to Asa Akira’s aggressive style, contrasting women’s sexual agency with men’s perceived struggles. Rogan mocks military tech ignorance—drones vs. "cat helicopters"—and slams the Catholic Church’s abuse cover-ups, including Monsanto’s seed patents and Pentagon child porn scandals. The episode ends with Rogan’s gratitude for listeners, calling them "freaks," while teasing future guests like Egyptologist John Anthony West and promoting chaotic merch like Death Squad t-shirts. [Automatically generated summary]
the joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you by the fleshless A lot of people are like, what the fuck is that?
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The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, You will save yourself a lot of money.
We found out, 15% to be exact, we found out that the Joe Rogan experienced listeners who call into the fleshlight are much more likely to buy them, the people that click on the website, much more likely to buy them than the average listener.
I wish there should be, though, somebody that regulates all of these to make sure that you should be able to take what you're taking and alpha brain, you know, like mixing that kind of shit.
Well, with vitamins, you don't have to worry about that shit, but what you can worry about is when you get into, like, compounded drugs and...
And SSRIs, like the issue that a lot of people have had with taking NuMood, which is another supplement we have, which is a 5-HTP supplement.
And 5-HTP, there are issues that people have that are taking antidepressants.
So if you're taking an antidepressant, essentially it's giving you a bunch of dopamine, a bunch of serotonin, rather.
And it's giving it to you, like the antidepressants are, you're getting it from the antidepressants, and you're also getting it from the 5-HTP. Which is really, basically, a natural antidepressant.
I mean, the word antidepressant, I mean, what is really going on?
Well, what's really going on is when you're depressed, your serotonin is down.
It doesn't necessarily mean that your life is any different, but now, all of a sudden, you're enjoying it.
And there's a big debate on that, you know?
There's a big debate on whether that's smart and whether or not A lot of people are taking antidepressants and fucking with their brain chemistry when what is really going on is they're in a shit stage of their life and if they can learn by these bad feelings and learn by the lessons they could possibly move to a better place in life where you know you eliminate all these things that are making you feel bad improve upon all these areas that you have real problems with and then you won't have these bad feelings all the time you won't be quote unquote depressed but I know people that have had fucked up
lives man That have used antidepressants and gotten themselves back on track and then weaned themselves off of it and are really happy today.
I have a friend that for, you know, he was on the verge of committing suicide, he said.
He was super, super depressed, terrible life, terrible childhood, you know, very abusive childhood.
But when he got on antidepressants, he got his shit together.
And then once he got his shit together, he met his wife, he fell in love, he started a business, became very successful with his business, then slowly weaned himself off the antidepressants.
And now he's very happy.
And he's convinced that his state of mind was directly related, his depression was directly related to how shit his life was.
But antidepressants saved his life.
You know, if everybody's story was like that, I wouldn't even be remotely skeptical.
You know, I would say, hey, you know, obviously this is a great thing, but human beings, we're some slothy fucking slovenly cunts.
And if we find just any excuse to take a pill, oh, I need a Xanax.
My point about all this alpha brain, all this supplement stuff, is anything that I'm telling you about is something that I use and I believe in.
That's it.
I don't need to do this.
I don't need to sell these things.
I'm selling these things because they're legit, because I support them, because I use them, I get the benefits from them, I believe in them, and then, after all that, we make money from them.
We make it as fair as possible.
I'm trying to rip off no one.
I want everyone to feel like they had a good interaction.
So the way it works is when you buy your first order of 30 pills, if you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back.
You don't have to send the pills back.
You don't have to send the bottle back.
You don't have to do shit.
You just say, this sucks.
Give me my money back.
That's how much we believe that you will like it and you will want to keep using it.
There's nothing better in this life than doing your best to improve your quality of thinking and the quality of thinking that you have.
When you've done your best and you're taking care of your body and you improve your quality of thinking, you make better choices.
When you make better choices and you think about things better, your life becomes better.
I think there's no more important thing In this life than maintaining a quality of thinking.
And that's what I use Alphabrain for.
And that's why I endorse it.
That's why I take three of these bitches before every podcast.
It's just mushrooms and B12. And B12 you don't overdose on.
You piss it all out.
But man, it's amazing how you can affect your energy levels by nutrients.
Really amazing.
Like I said, I've eaten like shit for a few days.
And especially as I get older, I really feel it much more now than when I was 20. When I was 20, I felt like I could eat a cheeseburger and then go work out.
And it wouldn't even hardly bother me that much.
But now, every little thing has to be in order for my body to feel smelly.
Anyway, go to Onnit.com.
Check out all that shit.
Check out all the different supplements that are available.
Well, what's really uncomfortable is when you talk to them and they bring up like crystals and energy and that's where yoga crosses the line.
It crosses the line into fuckery when you start worshiping rocks and the energy that come off these rocks and you start, you know, sacred this and sacred that.
Unless you're fucking around and you say sacred.
You know, you have to be fucking around.
Or talking about, like, war or something like that.
That's it.
That's the end of the commercial.
Go to JoeRogan.net.
Use the code name ROGAN. Click on the link for Alphabrain.
Well, one is iPhone has a problem that no one has been talking about, I haven't seen, where the text messages are disappearing right in front of your eyes.
Like, go sit there, open it up, and suddenly the text message just disappears.
And the second thing is the flash on Safari and Chrome and everything has been really horrible lately to the point where it's been freezing up my computer until I move the cursor down to the toolbar and then for some reason I don't have to click on anything.
I just move the cursor down to the bottom and it unfreeze everything.
It's amazing how porn just evaporated before our eyes as far as like as an industry.
My next door neighbor's a porn guy was my next door neighbor years ago down the street.
And I think they just repossessed his house or something like that.
It's These guys were high on the hog.
I know dudes who are in the porn business who are making millions and millions of dollars.
They had incredible cars.
They had these beautiful houses.
These guys were making fuckloads of money selling DVDs.
Well, the internet just took the wheels out from under them.
Like, completely.
And that's an industry that's like, nobody talks about that.
Because there's some hidden sort of moral...
Like, judgment that you pass on porn.
It's like, fuck them.
They didn't deserve it.
They didn't deserve the money they were making.
You know, they deserved it.
They got it on the back of exploited women, and they, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
For whatever reason, we make a distinction.
It's legal, and it's a business, but it doesn't need to be bailed out as much as cars do.
Car companies, like, we can't lose Chevy, but if we lost vivid pictures, who gives a fuck?
But then the hypocritical aspect of it is...
This is a billion dollar industry.
Everybody's using it.
To pretend that everybody's not using it is insanity.
The amount of people that are online that are looking at porn, it's something crazy.
It's something like porn is 40% of everything online.
Something nutty like that.
I pulled that right out of my ass.
I think I might have read that, but I can't keep track of all these numbers.
You stop and think about that number.
That's a lot of goddamn people.
And everyone's pretending this industry doesn't need to be saved.
They couldn't get any respect.
If they wanted to try to get a bailout for the government because the economy went south, the government would be like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Porn is now not making money because now the access to being able to do porn is so much easier.
Radio station DJs aren't making as much money and they're failing because now podcasting has been able to reach easily.
You can do it at your own house now and have your own radio show and that's just like TV. That's like every single thing ever now because everything's now more diluted.
You're more It's more accurate to what you want to see.
I want to see a band that says two people are dead and the drummer's still alive.
It's probably out there on the internet if that's your fetish, if that's your thing, if that's your music choice.
Where before it was kind of like whatever you were pumped or whatever was available at the CD shop.
And it's funny, like, the vibrators into the different countries, how they look, like, the ones that they were using really did seem like antiques, you know, like wooden or, you know, something like that.
Then you click on Asia, and all those girls, they're either Vietnam, where they're using bamboo sticks and stuff like that, or they're actually Japanese, where they have these high-tech vibrators.
Ones you've never seen before that look like fucking dolphins with hats on.
There's this black girl, I wish I could remember her name on it, and she never really shows her face too much, but she has a hot body, and she always has this huge fucking dildo just suction cupped onto the coffee table, and the camera's always just her butt just teasing it, like she's just gonna take the whole thing, but she talks like...
Yeah, but you know, a lot of these girls in these rooms are not even hot at all, but that even makes it hotter because this girl looks like somebody that would never do this and she's doing it.
That's hot.
I love this shit, man.
I've never been more addicted to porn ever in my life, even when I was 18. How long did this start off?
I used to pay for a membership for PalTalk, and one of the best things is while the show used to go on, these girls that were fans of Opie and Anthony would just be sitting there shoving vibrators in their butt, and all of us would be watching.
Even while they're doing a radio show, everyone would be watching that shit also.
That's a taboo subject because rape itself obviously is a deplorable act.
But the fact remains that there are girls that get turned on by that deplorable act.
There's girls that have these fantasies of finding themselves in the wrong place and the wrong time and a fucking pack of wild thugs come out with 14-inch cocks and just force her to suck their dicks while one guy bangs her from behind.
There's girls who have fantasies.
Like, they're really scared, but they would really be excited.
And they probably finger themselves thinking about that.
And, you know, they don't ever risk their actual physical well-being in life by putting themselves in a situation where that could happen.
But the fact is, they could do that at any time.
Girls can just drive around to a group of guys at any time and get out and go, hey, boys, what's going on?
I always feel like, you know, especially back in the day when you did a lot of drugs and stuff, I always thought these girls were just gonna snap out of it and forget what they're doing and start biting it.
Cat died and to remember him he liked to make helicopters or something like that and so he turned his cat into a helicopter.
He stuffed it and it made like his paws like spread out kind of like you know that's like doing a snowman in the snow and each one of them had like a helicopter fan on it and then so he sits there and flies this dead cat around and at first I watched it and I was horrified and then I was like This is the coolest thing in the whole entire world.
I hope this catches on, because I could just imagine a bunch of cats, helicopters flying in the sky, and that would be cool if it became popular.
Or actually get the clear film companies that do the iPad clear films to make a clear armor, like have an armor for your cat where it's just some kind of crystallized shit.
We must have some sort of a weird deal with the government, or the government won't say anything.
We're sending spaceships into their air.
I mean, we're sending some science fiction things that we're controlling from halfway around the world with a remote control, and they're launching missiles.
I mean, it's really crazy that they're allowed to do that.
Look, I'm 100% in support in getting rid of bad guys and taking all the terrorists out and all that happy horse shit, the legit terrorists.
But this is a crazy little precedent to set that you're allowing spaceships to fly around and launch missiles.
Hellfire, bunker buster fucking missiles at these people.
They're called hellfire.
They're allowed to spray rockets from the sky and blow you out of the road.
You're just wandering along.
You don't even know they're there.
They're like a mile away and a rocket comes and fucking you disappear.
It's amazing that that's how we're doing war right now in Pakistan.
The peak of the technological war right now is going on right there, and very few people are even aware of it.
You just hear, drone attack.
That's what you hear on the radio, or drone attack on CNN. But you don't really stop and think about what the fuck that means.
There's a remote-controlled flying object that launches missiles at people, and they're watching a camera through it, We're halfway around the world, pressing buttons and launching these things.
It's incredible.
The technology is just, it's amazing what they can do now.
Then that one that crashed in Iran, there was another moment where life feels like a fake movie, where they fucking captured our shit and Obama goes to the news and talks about it.
Well, we've asked for it back.
That's what he said.
We've asked for it back.
Hey, you know that thing that we were flying around and we might have just shot rockets at you from the sky?
Yeah, can you give that to us so we can do that again?
Those old cars, man, they look so badass, but the design involved in them, it's so crude.
Like drum brakes, they're so crude.
Like you hit the brakes, it's like, and they barely stop the car.
It takes forever.
Now they have cars like the new Porsche, the 991, which is the new 911. The new Porsche 911 that just came out can stop from, I think it's 60 miles an hour to zero in less than 100 feet.
I was either thinking about selling my car because my car gets horrible gas mileage and getting something like that because I'm about to pay off my car finally and I'm like, oh, I finally own this piece of shit.
But, and get something like that, or just get a really shitty small car, like something like one of those little baby Fiats, or you know, like the teeny little cheap cars.
What it is, is it's an older way of designing suspensions, but they made the best out of it.
It handles well.
I mean, it doesn't handle as good as a car with independent rear suspension, but the Mustang 302, the Boss 302, it laps racetracks faster than that Audi R8. You know that Audi space-looking car that Everlast has?
You know that thing?
The Laguna Seca Boss Mustang can lap racetracks quicker than that, which is pretty amazing.
They only have, I think it's only 400 and something horsepower.
Yeah, but it's a dope car.
It's like one of the best bargain cars.
I think it's, you know, if you wanted to get a bargain for performance, you can only go American.
There's no real bargains in as far as foreign cars for performance.
You don't get 400 plus horsepower like you get in a Mustang.
You know, you're just not going to get that.
You're not going to get that kind of oomph, you know?
It's like, if you want a fast car that's a foreign car, there's a few Japanese cars that are pretty quick, you know, like the 370Zs, pretty quick, but they can't fuck with this Mustang.
But then you've got to get to big money like the Nissan GT-R, which is like $100,000.
Then shit gets crazy.
Because then the Japanese have one of the best production cars.
One of the fastest, best handling cars in the world.
But you have to get right to there before you get that kind of performance.
And then you're sitting there with all these people, and the door is shut, and you're just like, alright, this is where the gas comes out, and we all get murdered.
And we couldn't leave.
And then suddenly there was just this bad actor acting job where, like, this lady comes out and I'm like, hi, welcome to whatever.
You know, we are here in the future.
Anyways, all her shit, all her computers behind her since the ride is so old.
Like, it used to look like it was supposed to be the future, but now looks really sad and depressing like a garage sale, like monitor.
Oh, that's funny.
And it's totally outdated.
And then she's like, before we go into the next room, I want you to look at this.
And it's a video that I'm guessing when the movie came out, which was what, 93 or something?
Yeah, I think it's at the very beginning stages, but there has been successful operations where they've done that from remote locations and stuff like that, using advanced computers and robots.
So then I was really scared, though, because I was really figuring out how...
Shitty this ride was I'm like damn this, you know, why does Universal have this but then you go into the next room and you watch this really old 3d movie and the 3d was really good, you know Right for its age and then there's this one point where there's also live actors mixed in like like in the theater so like like this guy would come out in a like a motorcycle and then like He had like a shotgun and he'll shoot somebody like a real like like that like holy shit that you could hear it sound like a gunshot and And then he'll like disappear off
the stage and it looks like he goes back into the 3D movie.
Shit like that.
So it was kind of interesting.
And then they have two more 3D screens that go around you.
And this is an old ride.
So everyone's probably like, yeah, dude, welcome to 93. But the 3D was coming out at all sides.
It was really awesome.
And I guess there's a new Transformers ride there that just takes that to the whole next level.
It was a virtual roller coaster where, you know, it's one of those things where the whole thing moves, but you go into this, like, fucking dome where the whole dome is a movie, and it's really trippy.
If I want to do shrooms and do that, because I think I'll die and go to heaven.
Because you go into this huge room, and you're like, holy shit!
And then you feel like you're going through this roller coaster.
There's parts where, like, Maggie...
A huge maggie will try to grab your roller coaster and they spray baby powder smell.
So you start smelling baby powder and you're like, it's fucking badass.
I mean, the Note is cool because it's a small tablet and I think, I'm pretty sure, my money is all on that Apple is releasing a smaller version of the iPad that will kind of compete with the Note because they're gonna use it also as a remote control for their new TV. That will come out soon.
When someone's like Wi-Fi and like crazy near you, are you getting pelted by like random information as it makes its way from the internet somehow or another into their computer?
Where's it going from?
Is it passing through your dimension at all?
I mean, that is like some interdimensional fucking transportation of, I mean, the physical object of a piece of paper that you print and you turn, you know, into a photograph that you just got from the internet.
I mean, that is a way where something physical just gets created and it wasn't there before.
Sent to you and printed up.
Like, that is, that's a crazy thing, man.
It's really crazy that we can just do that.
And we just don't even think about the fact there's television signals and radio signals and internet signals and cell phone signals and all these different signals going around.
And I don't know if they're affecting us.
I have no idea.
It might be that we would all feel a little bit better if we didn't have them.
I hope if anyone that designs these Fords and these awesome new cars with these new stereos that have these apps like Stitcher, it's called Sync for Ford.
I have that, but there's no way to upgrade it so I can get that shit.
She was on Howard Stern yesterday, and I forgot about her, you know, because she married Jim Carrey, and you're just kind of like, right, she's dead to me.
Yeah, by the time I got into stand-up, Kinison only had a couple years of life left.
He died when I lived in New York.
So I think it was probably 90, I want to say 92 that Kinnison died somewhere along those lines.
So I still hadn't made my way out to LA yet.
And Marin got in deep with Kinnison when he was a kid.
He was hanging around with them and he got to see the crazy dark coke years.
He got to see the chaos and all that shit.
That story about Kinison fathering Carla Bow's wife's child is just so fucked up.
So fucked up, man.
He thought that it was his daughter for the longest time.
Then a DNA test reveals it was Sam Kinison's kid.
You just think of his wife just laying there and letting fat Sam climb on top of her and shoot his loads inside of her and go, what kind of a fucking friendship did they have?
What kind of a world were they living in?
What kind of decadence and depravity, what kind of Hollywood chaos was going on?
Where Kinison was just banging his friend's best friend, opening act, wife on the side, and shooting loads into her.
See, I didn't see that because I was into the comedy scene and I only knew what I saw on TV. And I always thought the big guys were like Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy.
He got to this weird stage in his life in the late 80s.
This is before I had done comedy.
Maybe I had done an open mic night.
Maybe one or something like that.
But it was me and my roommates.
And we were out in New Hampshire.
We saw him at a casino up there.
And they do shows there.
And that was the place where everybody would go up from Boston during the summer.
We'd all go up to this casino.
Was it Hampton Beach?
I think that's it.
I don't remember.
Anyway, we were all there and George Carlin had this weird thing that he was doing where he just had like a notepad and he was just reading off, fuck this and fuck that.
It was like this whole, and fuck Israel and fuck this and fuck, like the whole bit was like, it wasn't really working.
You know, it was weird.
It was like there was all this energy and there was all this You know, push into it.
And it was fascinating for me to watch because I was like, this is George Carlin.
I mean, George Carlin is like an all-time great comic.
But at this point in his life, it wasn't working out.
That night, I don't know what it was, but my friend looked over at me and goes, this guy fucking sucks.
And I was like, wow.
I couldn't even say anything because I had dragged them there.
They weren't comedians.
I had dragged them to go see George Carlin.
And he was eating it.
It was weird.
And I, you know, I stopped listening to him for like a year or two.
And then I bought, he had like, warning, explicit lyrics, I think was one of his CDs, which was great.
And I was like, whew, he got it back.
It was almost like, you know, he just had a bad, he did so much stand up.
Wow, Kevin Costner was on the set of that movie, 157 days, working six days a week for a movie.
That's a long ass time.
For a movie that sucked, a big fat bag of Wildly considered to be one of the biggest box office bombs of all times.
Although it grossed $255 million from a $175 million budget, this does not factor in marketing and distribution charges or percentage of the gross that theaters keep, which is up to 45%.
The film came to be nicknamed Kevin's Gate after Heaven's Gate and Fishtar after Ishtar, two mega bombs.
And they didn't have a booth at this year's E3 because I was originally, because I'm going to E3 tomorrow and I wanted to talk to them about UFC and all that crap.
And they were like, we don't have a booth.
We're meeting at a hotel.
And I'm like, whoa, someone's going down.
But then...
Yeah, I think, you know, THQ did a really good job with that game.
And THQ, I thought, you know, with Saints Row, I mean, Saints Row just released a map pack that Ryan Keighley, who does, you know, podcasts with me, she's in the new map pack.
So they're actually combining video games with Penthouse now, which I thought was cool.
It's a pain in the dick, but it's worth it in the long run.
The finished product, they're very thorough.
We did so much commentary.
You don't get too much repeat words.
Like, there's all sorts of different versions of, you know, things that you do and, like, transitions, like arm bar to knee bar, transition from the triangle to the arm bar, like, all that different kind of stuff.
Like, we voice them all individually, you know, so it's...
There's so many moves you can do.
It's really kind of crazy that you look at that thing, that remote control, and you're supposed to be able to figure that out down here and up there and left and push this and push that.
It's a fucking...
It's not that...
You've got to take a lot of time to figure out all the moves that your guy is capable of doing because there's so much shit.
There's so many different submissions and punches and kicks and...
And to know what button is doing what at the exact same moment is fucking hard, man.
That's the one thing that it really puts in perspective when you hang out with a guy like Cliffy B. You go to the Epic Games studio, like when we went down there, or if you go to THQ and you see the hours that we put in the video game, pretty minuscule.
I mean, I could complain at like six hours of sitting there going, he's rocked!
But the reality is that's not a hard job.
But these fucking guys are working long hours every day.
And then, when things don't go well, they just get laid off.
Are we back?
Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen, the technology here is just ridiculous.
We had an issue here at the Rogan compound with, at one point in time, the router kept fucking up and I would have to reboot it twice a day.
So today we replaced everything and yet the same thing happened.
No, because my house has a system, and there's Ethernet jacks all throughout the house, so you can get online anywhere.
When I bought this house, wireless wasn't that big.
and then now we set it up wired but so there's in the garage is like a big box that has all this these wires going into it and this giant big ass router that runs everything it's unnecessarily complicated but that's the way you want to have it if you have a house that has you know if you want Ethernet ports in your house you kind of have to have it they all the wires have to go to some why don't you just do wireless you can but it wasn't won't work for the whole house You
And there's some investigation, but they won't turn over the records because they say it would compromise national security.
So the Pentagon is allowed, the only people in the world, apparently, that are allowed to watch kiddie porn because they can download it and, look, we know what we're doing.
Trust us.
unidentified
This is all about the United States government and keeping the peace.
Pentagon employees suspected of viewing child pornography...
What?
Okay, this is crazy.
In 2006, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency, which conducts internet pornography investigations, produced a list of 5,200 Pentagon employees suspected of viewing child pornography.
This website that I'm reading right here, boston.com.
This is not a conspiracy website at all.
This is a real website.
Right.
The suspected of viewing child pornography and asked the Pentagon to review it, but the Pentagon checked only two-thirds of the names, unearthing roughly 300 defense and intelligence employees who allegedly had viewed child pornography on their work or home computers.
The defense investigators failed to check an additional 1,700 names on the list.
Defense officials have revealed in correspondence with Senator Charles Grassley, Republican of Iowa.
Probably they found out that their systems were hacked, and all these employees didn't look at child porn, and then halfway through searching all of them, they're like, no, we just got hacked.
You can just look up Vatican child porn and there's something.
Some Canadian bishop, they got rid of him.
They booted him out.
So it wasn't that, you know, the Vatican had child porn.
It was that they got rid of a guy who had child porn.
But then there was the whole issue of the guy who was the actual Pope himself, Ratzinger.
Ratzinger, Pope Benedict, whatever the fuck he was.
When he was a bishop or whatever silly name they like to give themselves, whatever the hell he was, he was in charge of following up on cases of child molestation.
And it's clear, clear evidence that he...
And he tried to divert the investigation and really slacked off on it and then got rid of the guy.
Aided in getting rid of the guy who they were going after.
They had all sorts of little things they would do.
A guy would get busted banging kids and they would just move him to another place.
Like, that's been the standard protocol of the Catholic Church for the longest time.
Whenever someone, a cardinal, gets caught and gets in trouble, they just move them to some other place.
It's really bizarre, man.
It makes you really wonder what it's all about.
It makes you really wonder if at the top branch of the Catholic Church, when they're all alone...
There was a story where a former bishop said that a girl who turned up missing was taken by the Vatican and they used her as a sex slave and killed her.
Whenever they look at these things and these probes, they find out how many different reverends were fucked up.
The church previously insisted the crimes of the late Reverend Maciel, M-A-C-I-E-L, were his alone.
He was long held up as a model by Pope John Paul II, despite credible accusations later proven that he raped and molested his seminarians.
The Legion of Christ had over 900 priests.
Wow, Jesus Christ, this guy.
I don't even want to hear this.
He died in 2008. A year later, the Orthodox Order confessed that he had fathered three children with two different women and that he had abused his seminarians.
There's an arrogance that a lot of these dudes have when they become priests that they feel like everybody kisses their ass.
They don't want kids to be kids in a Catholic church.
It's scary.
You go to Baptist churches and everybody's laughing and giggling and little babies are crying.
They'll smack a baby in a Catholic church.
Nobody wants little kids crying out in a Catholic church.
It's like a harsh environment, and the priests are, yes, Father, Father, everyone's talking to them, Father, and everyone's real nervous to be around them.
Especially the old ones, they have this arrogance about them, which is really strange.
You're just some creepy old queer in a fucking weird outfit.
You can't come out of the closet, and you're You know, spouting off nonsense and everybody's kissing your ass.
So you've gotten confused and you really do believe that you're above everyone else.
Like, they have a weird fucking sense of entitlement.
It's very strange talking to a lot of priests.
Obviously not all of them.
A lot of priests.
But the one who gave the eulogy for my grandmother's funeral is a perfect example of that.
He was, first of all, he had gin blossoms all over his face.
This poor fuck.
You know when they get those broken blood vessels when they get hammered all the time?
If you look at, like, if you think about the churches that are involved with the most fucked up accusations, the Catholic Church is at the top of that list.
The top.
And they're also the most suppressive.
The most suppressive, the most...
Just fill your head with guilt.
Guilt and anxiety and suffering and the feeling rather that you are a failure and that you are inadequate and that you will never measure up and you're a sinner in the eyes of God.
First grade I did a full year of Catholic school and we went to church when I was like six or seven and we went to church on a regular basis all the time and it was hellacious.
It was disgusting.
It was all like terrible.
All you could think of is every day before school, I'd be like, fuck, I can't believe I have to go to this place.
Just this torturous place to drop off your children where they just glang onto your fucking neck and suck off all your happiness.
Just suck it out of you like a vampire, man.
Really weird.
I remember, I really clearly remember being in the middle of class while the teacher was doing something crazy and they were talking about something crazy.
Mental molestation and a huge percentage of Catholics go through that shit.
I mean, I've talked to kids who went to Catholic school who didn't have a bad time, but most of them, a good percentage of them, had a gruesome experience.
With the soul sapping, they just suck the life out of you.
And that's why the Catholics are so crazy.
They bounce back.
You know, you can't suppress people.
You know, we've talked about this before, that Catholic school girls, girls that like Jenny McCarthy, perfect example.
You're talking about how horny she was?
She went to an all-girls Catholic school, man.
All girls Catholic schools produce the best sluts.
They have to sprint for Dick as soon as the light turns green.
They don't get to see Dick all day at school and flirt around with them and make friends with them and pass notes in class.
No, all day it's this boiling pot of pussy.
This big boiling mass of estrogen and female hormones and then the light turns green and they run out the door and just dive on a cock like a patriotic soldier on a grenade.
They can't wait to get some dick in them.
This poor fucking girl that I dated in high school, her and her sister were both the biggest pigs.
And they both went to Catholic school.
And then there was another one who was like a prude who went to public school.
It was really weird.
It was like, for some reason, one of them, they started her off in public school and they just kept her in.
But her sister, they had a little money.
Her sister was a couple years younger.
So they said, well, we're doing a little better now.
We're going to try to put her through Catholic school.
And that girl was the girl I dated.
And oh my God, she was a freak.
She was a fucking freak.
She would fuck anybody.
Anybody who tried to fuck her, she would fuck them.
Shoot, this bitch was crazy, man.
I told you, she was a girl where my friend was fingering her in front of my house when I got up in the morning to deliver newspapers.
They were still up from the night before partying, and they're parked in front of my fucking house.
And I slammed my hand on the hood.
I don't remember what I said, something half-witty, but I was like, Jesus Christ.
All my expectations for relationships were shattered by my first two girlfriends right away.
Because one of them was a complete slut that could not just leave a dick alone.
A dick was like a kitten with a ball of yarn.
You can't roll a ball of yarn in front of a kitten.
They just fucking paws go up and they dive on that shit.
That's how she was with cock.
And then the other one was like...
Really manipulative.
The other one, like, you know, you drive an hour and a half to see her, and she's like, I'm not in the mood.
You know, she was, like, really creepy.
Like, she wanted to, you know, be the one who always decided what was on TV and always decided what music we were listening to.
Yeah, it was a weird, selfish thing.
She grew up an only child, and her mom was kind of a cunt.
And so it wasn't happy.
Her mom was, like, a big woman, and she had a bad opinion of men.
It was a lot of weirdness in that house.
So I got to see Cunty, but pretty and nice, most of the time, just Cunty behavior occasionally, and then super whore.
And so I was like, Jesus Christ, relationships are disastrous.
Right away, the first couple of years of relationships to me was like, what's the point in this?
Not that I was any fucking prize back then either.
I mean, I was completely crazy.
But it's funny how you can have a couple crazy relationships while you're young, and it completely shapes you.
That's where you form your opinions of what relationships are like.
I've had some relationships as an older man when I got to be in my late 20s and 30. Really nice people.
You enjoyed being around them.
I didn't even think that was possible when I lived in Boston.
I thought, you know, based on my own personal experience, I was like, this is just some shit you gotta do to get some pussy, and then run away from them as quick as you can.
Go find your friends.
You know, that was my take on it.
Plus, if you're trying to do anything else while you're a kid, you don't really have the time for a real relationship.
You know, if you're going to high school and you're trying to pursue something, like if you're pursuing a sport or trying to be in a band or anything you're trying to do where you're throwing all of your possible energy at that, your amount of time that you have for relationships is...
But Allison was like saying, like, yeah, I never have time.
You only, you know, have time for your radio show and blah, blah, blah, and everything's...
And I'm thinking, like, shit, you know, that's the same how I feel right now, because I'm putting everything in one basket with doing podcasting and all that crap.
I feel too much of an obligation to all those people that we're meeting.
Right.
It sounds goofy, and it's really hard to talk about without sounding like you're crazy or you're an egomaniac.
But I feel like this is something bigger than all of us.
I feel like we're the ones who are responsible for broadcasting it, and we're the voices on the podcast.
But this podcast is resonating with so many fucking people.
So many people come to the shows, and it's not just, hey, we really like the show.
It's, you changed my life.
It's, this show changed my life.
This guy came up to me the other day in Edmonton, and he was telling me how he's much nicer to people now, and he takes the time to tip more and be nicer, and it's changed his whole way of life.
He says, I'm more successful now.
He goes, I feel better now.
I'm happier now.
He goes, I never thought that being nicer to people on purpose and then tipping...
Like, being nice and generous would make me feel so much better.
Look, I've had moments in my life when I haven't been happy, when I've felt like shit.
And then I have now where I could not be happier.
And when I look at my life...
What has changed physically in my body?
Well, actually, I've gotten older, so thinking about my past and my history of martial arts and all that, my body should be a mess.
I should be in pain all the time.
I shouldn't feel better and more happy and vibrant today than before.
So why do I? Well, one of the reasons why is because I don't have any negative shit in my life anymore.
I don't have any bad people in my life.
I don't have a bad job.
I don't have any negative things.
I don't have any things that I'm trying to avoid.
And when you don't have anything you're trying to avoid, you have happiness.
And it takes a while for people to recognize that there's a direct correlation between your state of mind and your state of existence.
And if you get both of them in line, you get both of them in line, you can have a good fucking life.
You don't have to be rich.
Rich is bullshit.
That's not what's important.
You know what you have to do?
You have to have enough money so you don't have to worry.
Have enough money so that you can feed yourself, so that you can take care of your family.
That's what you need.
When you get crazy and you want stacks of money, that's just another form of obsession.
You might as well just be jerking off until you put blisters on your dick.
The key to all this shit is balance.
The key to the whole thing is balance, and it's a constant struggle.
If I slip for a couple weeks, if I don't go in the tank for a couple weeks, if I don't write for a couple weeks, I can go a week without working out.
Anytime I do anything where I throw off the balance and I don't do the work that I'm supposed to put in, I feel the difference.
I feel less capable when I sit down and write again.
I feel less vibrant when I train.
I don't feel as good when I go on stage.
But that's something I don't hardly ever take a week off of stand-up anymore.
I can't.
Even one week, I have to go up and kill it.
I have to go up and throw my new shit out there.
I have to go up and record it and go back and listen to it.
If I don't do that, I feel like I'm wasting something.
I feel like I feel like I've been gifted with an incredible opportunity, an incredible moment in time, an incredibly fortunate and fortuitous roll of the dice.
And I feel like it's an insult to the gods if you enjoy that, but then you neglect it and you let it rot away when you got it right there.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like when I get on stage now, when I'm at my best, And, you know, and I'm killing and people came to see the show and they come out to the show and they say, oh my god, my stomach hurt and it was the funniest shit I ever saw.
Thank you so much.
We had the greatest time.
You know what?
One of the things I'm thinking, thank god they had a great time.
That's good.
Boy, I'm so happy.
The next thing I'm thinking is, I gotta keep doing this.
Like, I have an obligation.
It takes a long time to reach a state of proficiency at something.
It takes an even longer time to develop an audience.
It takes an even longer time to actually get a message out there that might change the way people think.
When you combine all of them together, that's when I say that I think it's bigger than all of us.
I feel like it's a...
It's something that started and I gotta keep going.
There's no way.
People say, don't ever stop the podcast.
I don't think I can.
I don't think it's legal.
I don't think the laws of the universe wouldn't allow it.
That sounds pretentious, but for real, that's the 100% honest way how I feel about the whole situation.
I feel like we lit a spark and we started something and now we're like the keepers of the flame and everybody adds to this fucking thing.
It's like...
People are constantly tweeting things and sending things and offering suggestions and coming to shows and being enthusiastic and pumping.
You remember when you came to Atlanta when I filmed my special Atlanta?
What the fuck was that like?
Wandering around with all those people, thousands and thousands of people, everybody's friendly, everybody's happy.
There's a very specific vibe to all these shows.
And it's something that me and Ari were talking about when we were up in Canada.
He goes, wow, the crowd up there was great.
And I was like, they were awesome, man.
But when was the last time we had a shit crowd?
It's not happening anymore.
It's like you're getting the same type of people everywhere you go.
They're insanely inflammatory with their niceness.
It's like, Jesus, what are you, real?
Slow down.
Turn this down.
What's going on?
You don't even realize it.
When you're around, especially big city Americans, it's so rare that you find really outgoing, friendly people.
And then you go to somewhere like Calgary or something like that, and everyone's friendly!
You go to Vancouver.
Everyone's friendly.
You know?
I mean, a friend of mine was talking about that in a bar.
They were doing stand-up in Vancouver.
And they were at a bar.
And girls were like, hey, where are you from?
And they're like, what?
You're talking to us?
What's going on?
What are you doing?
He goes, we thought it was a trick.
Like, there were hookers or something.
Like, girls are just saying hi.
Coming up and saying hi.
Girls in America don't do that.
That's rare as fuck.
They're nicer up there, man.
They don't have that conqueror mentality.
They don't have this, uh, America!
Fuck yeah!
When you're from the best, and you can talk all the shit you want about other empires, but they can all suck America's dick.
There's never been anything like America.
We're lucky, I guess, you want to look at it that way, that we're born here in this crazy machine.
But if you look at empires, like the Roman Empire, the Persian Empire, any empires that tried to conquer the world, nobody did nothing like what we're doing.
And we're denying that we're an empire.
We're right in the middle of it, military presence in over 100 different countries.
And we're like, we're just trying to be nice.
When you have that kind of a country and there's so much military power and the whole world kind of like – Think about how many assholes just act like douchebags because their team wins.
You know, like when the Lakers win the championships and dudes are driving down the street, we're number one, bitch!
We're number one, bitch!
And you don't even know the Lakers are playing.
You're like, what the fuck is going on with these people?
They're number one for what?
What happened?
Well, they choose the Lakers.
They live in LA, so they're number one now.
That's what a lot of people are about America being a military power.
There's a lot of fuckheads in this country that act like extra cocky because we're this giant military power.
Yeah, because when there was fires in Burbank, because I also experienced one in Burbank, there was a fire at the Hollywood Mountain two years ago or a year ago.
And I guess there's a big water scoop for helicopters on the top of the mountain there.
They just sat there and watched them scoop out of a big pool, like a swimming pool almost.
When I first came here, there was a big fire in the Hollywood Hills.
It's a fucking really nice area of the Hollywood Hills, and we were watching it from the Virgin Megastore.
There was that little area out front where Wolfgang Puck's...
I don't know if it still is there, but it used to be there.
We were sitting there watching these helicopters drop fire on this building.
And I just kept thinking, what a strange world we live in where we take something like fire for granted.
And here it is, just eating its way through the earth.
This energy source.
And everybody's freaking out and dropping things on it and trying to stop it.
Really inadequate.
Really ineffective.
Like, it takes a long time to put out a fucking fire.
They're trying, but they have these giant fucking planes.
They have to go down, scoop up the water, fly over, and poof!
It's like they shoot a little tiny water load on the fire, and then right back to it.
It takes a long fucking time to actually put the fire out.
And most likely some houses are going to get jacked and there's nothing they can do about it.
And all those houses inside of them have electricity.
This other crazy power thing that we totally take for granted is fucking pulsating energy through the wires of the house that powers your internet and powers your fucking lights.
And our life would suck tremendous cock if we didn't have it.
Yeah, guys, when they're writing, when they're doing, like, roasts and shit like that, that's when, you know, there's a lot of comics that make a good living just doing writing and punch-up, stuff like that.
You know what's weird is that I don't even realize this, but, like, two of my good friends, Pete and Tony, who both help us out almost every Ice House Chronicles, they're both from Ohio, and they're like, it's weird that I'm almost, I feel like I'm, like, getting pushed toward them.
Yeah, because of the Ohio, they both kind of grew up the same.
Oh, here's something weird that happened to me last night I wanted to talk about.
It's kind of the same way.
I had this weird thing happen to me the last two days where I have been giggly and silly and fucking really high energy and really happy.
Giggly happy like I was running around poking people with straws last night like a little kid and then and then it just went away and I came back to normal and I was like What was that all about like it almost felt like there was some kind of government up in me It was a way to tune into your frequency It was weird, though, because it was like, have I been going through, like, a long-time depression and that was just, like, a bump out of it, you know, or something like that?
Or have I been, like, you know, lacking something in my head or diet or something like that, and I just had whatever had, like, a normalcy for a while?
Because I felt like I was like, wow, if I felt like this every day, I would fucking...
That was a fucking million people going, oh, Brian.
We've got to get those oh, Brian t-shirts made.
We keep promising those.
Yes.
So anybody who has any insight as to what's the best, most comfortable chairs, within reason, I guess probably those gravity chairs from Relax the Back.
Yeah, dude, but I mean, just if you had to ask, would I rather sit down for three hours with your feet up and comfortable or bouncing on this office chair, you know?
Yeah, that's true.
I mean, if we wanted beds, we could get single beds.
This one's not a Lazy Boy, but if you go look at this one, it's called the Wickenburg Bonded Leather Rocker Recliner in Brown, where it's just a big old puffy Lazy Boy chair.
This recliner comes with AIDS. If you had Lazy Boy recliners though, do you think that it would change the overall tone of a podcast and make people too comfortable, lethargic?
I think we just need one of the Silver Bullet trailers, and we pimp that motherfucker out, and then we could have the fucking studio anywhere the fuck we want.
Like, if you want to go to fucking San Diego, if you want to fucking I do like the idea of having something that you could bring with you, like something that you could tow with you.
But really, if we were going to do that, why would we get a studio?
We could get a studio bus.
The right way to do it is to have one of those...
Mobile home things?
Not a mobile home.
What are those called?
RVs?
Where people travel across the country in those big trucks?
Uriah has a really short schedule and he's in town and he's going to do it live.
John Anthony West is going to do it through Skype.
It's going to be our first Skype podcast.
Video and audio.
So he's going to show us pictures and tell us things.
So it'll be a little weird for the folks that are just listening, but we'll explain it as best we can.
And if you don't know who John Anthony West is, he's one of my personal heroes.
He's an Egyptologist, a fascinating, brilliant guy who is the producer of a video series called Magical Egypt, which is one of the most comprehensive video series on ancient Egypt and especially like the hidden symbolism involved in hieroglyphs which is one of the most comprehensive video series on ancient Egypt and especially like the hidden symbolism involved in hieroglyphs and the construction I mean, really amazing, amazing stuff.
I can't stress enough.
How pumped I am to talk to this guy because he's just an incredible source of information when it comes to Egypt.
The guy's been involved in studying it his entire life and he's got just some brilliant work out there.
Can't wait to talk to that dude.
So that's Uriah Faber on Thursday.
John Anthony West is going to be on Friday and I think we got someone on Saturday, dude.
I'll let you know as soon as we get out of this podcast.
I'm not sure what the fuck I'm talking about here.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
That Sledgeline stuff.
I'm not sure about this.
Might be ruining me.
Sledgeline and Alpha Brain together are battling for dominance.
Thank you everybody for tuning in to the podcast.
Thanks to everybody who came to Edmonton this past weekend.
Ari and I had a great fucking time.
Like I said before, I appreciate the fuck out of it and there's not a moment where I'm taking any of this for granted.
We're going to keep this bitch rolling.
Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.
Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.
Thank you also to Onnit.com, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.
We will have kettlebells and protein powder made out of hemp and raw cocoa and maca coming soon.
Got a lot of good stuff on the horizon.
And that's all for today, you dirty bitches.
So we'll see you on Thursday with Uriah Faber, and then Friday will be John Anthony West.
Today, if you're wondering if you're somewhere in the future, and you have just stumbled upon this podcast, it is June 5th, 2012. Would have been better if I said 2000 without slurring.