April 18, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:48:45
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| My theory is always, it's probably not scientifically based whatsoever, but my theory has always been that the things that are really hard to catch, those are the ones that are better for you. | ||
| And tastier? | ||
| Tastier, better for you, you know? | ||
| It's like fish. | ||
| Fish are fucking really hard to catch. | ||
| They're really good for you, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Deer, really hard to catch, really good for you. | ||
| Big, fat, like, those Japanese fucking, what are those, what do they call those? | ||
| Kobe beef cows? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Those fucking cows, they're not running from anybody. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's why it's terrible for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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Terrible. | |
| But delicious. | ||
| Tasty. | ||
| We're such assholes. | ||
| We've tricked animals to get so obese that they're on the verge of death because they're just packing fat everywhere in all their muscle tissue. | ||
| So delicious. | ||
| What about foie gras? | ||
| We're going to stop having that in California. | ||
| We're done, dude. | ||
| June. | ||
| They're so stupid. | ||
| So lame, man. | ||
| Birds are cunts, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
| 100% of all birds that have ever lived are cunts. | ||
| They're cunts. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| They really don't. | ||
| No birds care about you. | ||
| They don't even care about shit. | ||
| They look cute when they have little babies and they're swimming together. | ||
| But the reality is, you're going to eat them anyway. | ||
| Why is it okay to eat them? | ||
| It's not okay to overfeed them. | ||
| It's a really quick process. | ||
| I've watched them do it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| It literally only takes a couple seconds. | ||
| Yeah, with the tube? | ||
| Yeah, they take the goose, they put the tube into its mouth, they hold it there, and then they pour the grain down its stomach. | ||
| It's not in pain. | ||
| It only takes a couple seconds. | ||
| And then after that's over, the thing's just running around. | ||
| I mean, it's like, how is that... | ||
| Bad. | ||
| But the way they farm pigs, that's okay? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Or chickens. | ||
| That's legal. | ||
| You know why, though? | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's a winnable topic for animal people because the people that are in... | ||
| Because foie gras is like a kind of... | ||
| It's a delicacy. | ||
| So it's not considered something that... | ||
| It's not like they're saying, we're going to try to take steaks out of the market. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's something that is for... | ||
| It's elitist. | ||
| It's an elitist... | ||
| Food choice. | ||
| Most people don't eat any. | ||
| I mean, the great majority of people don't even know what foe gras is. | ||
| So they go, this is a totally inhumane way to make this. | ||
| They put it on a ballot, and they get enough momentum behind it where they can win it. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen the argument, and I'm certainly not one for animal cruelty, but... | ||
| It's not, you know, it might be bad if it was a person that you were doing that to. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But you would never allow any of this shit they do to chickens for a human. | ||
| No humans are allowed to live like that. | ||
| Stacked on top of each other in their own shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The way they're doing chickens and pigs with these fucking cages where they can't even move and veal. | ||
| Whoa, that's all okay? | ||
| That's all okay. | ||
| But this cunty duck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fuck that cunty duck. | ||
| Stuff that fucking grain right there on its stupid mouth. | ||
| Give me your delicious liver. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm getting a gun just to shoot these birds outside of our window. | |
| There's beautiful birds that they're building a nest on our house and they chirp every morning and I wake up to this wonderful bird song and it enrages my husband. | ||
| Oh, doesn't it? | ||
| And he's like, let's get the gun! | ||
|
unidentified
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It drives you crazy. | |
| Oh, I think it's beautiful. | ||
| I love hearing birds chirp. | ||
| But I have crows. | ||
| Those are cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
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Those are evil fuckers. | |
| You just hear them. | ||
| I don't hate bird chirping. | ||
| I don't like it at the hour sometimes. | ||
| One time I left a steak. | ||
| I had a steak and I forgot to defrost it. | ||
| And I figured, well, probably the best way to defrost it is to sit it outside in the sun. | ||
| I'm like, that's a good idea. | ||
| So I put it on my hand. | ||
| With the wrapping on, this fucking cunty crow was coming down there and pecking at my steak. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, he ate like a little chunk of it before I figured out what he was doing. | ||
| That piece of shit. | ||
| I mean, I had only turned my back for like a minute. | ||
| That asshole was watching. | ||
| They watch what you're doing. | ||
| They look to see if there's anything that you're doing that could benefit them. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're right. | |
| The birds don't really like you, man. | ||
| They're cunts. | ||
| You ever had a pet bird? | ||
| Yes, I've had pet birds. | ||
| Shittiest pet of all time. | ||
| It's a one-way relationship. | ||
| It's moody. | ||
| It's in a mood to fucking... | ||
| And they shit on you constantly. | ||
| If you let them on your shoulder, they take a shit on you. | ||
| They fly around the house and they shit everywhere. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's the worst. | |
| They're dinosaurs. | ||
| They really are the last of the dinosaurs. | ||
| Bunnies are bad pets too, I always thought, because they just shit all the time. | ||
| But then lately, yeah, with Eddie and a couple other people, I'm like, wow, these seem like baby good pets. | ||
| Are they smart rabbits? | ||
| They're really affectionate. | ||
| They just want to cuddle with you and you pet them and they just snuggle up with you. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| They're sweet. | ||
| They're sweet little, but they're also delicious. | ||
| And when push comes to shove, the apocalypse is coming, they gots to go. | ||
| I've had rabbit before. | ||
| Oh, I like that too. | ||
| I like rabbit. | ||
|
unidentified
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You do? | |
| Yeah, I had it in a Moroccan restaurant in the valley once. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You can season anything you eat in. | ||
| It's too gamey. | ||
| I thought it was pretty delicious. | ||
| When we lived in the Rampart Division, one of our neighbors had a rooster. | ||
| Yeah, our next door neighbor. | ||
| She called an animal protector. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The fucking thing was crowing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh my god. | |
| Up four in the morning, you hear it. | ||
| Every single day. | ||
| Who the fuck would allow you to have a rooster? | ||
| That's an asshole pet to have. | ||
| That is a real asshole pet. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's an asshole pet. | |
| It was on a chain and stuff, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It would run through the streets and everything. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
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What a great neighborhood. | |
| What was this lady? | ||
| This was an El Salvadorian neighborhood. | ||
| So she's from El Salvadorian? | ||
| I think it was a family. | ||
|
unidentified
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How crazy was that? | |
| Because we could see it off our balcony down. | ||
| Was it an apartment building or a house? | ||
| It was an apartment. | ||
| Apartments. | ||
| Yeah, apartments. | ||
| So they thought they could have a goddamn rooster in an apartment. | ||
| Oh, for sure, yeah. | ||
| How nutty is that? | ||
| And there was a lot of neighbors who had to be losing their fucking minds like we were. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| We were the ones that were like, oh, you can call somebody for this shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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This How the fuck does this crazy bitch think she's going to get away with having a rooster in her backyard? | |
| Because the neighborhood is 100% El Salvadorian. | ||
| And they're just cool with that? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Because they're like, this is just like the village back home. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right. | |
| Like, it's no different. | ||
| And no snitching. | ||
| You're not supposed to snitch on your neighbors, you know what I mean? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| So they just want... | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| They want to get out of El Salvador, but they want to be like El Salvador. | ||
|
unidentified
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For sure. | |
| The whole neighborhood is completely like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's crazy. | |
| Turn it into the old country. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it's just... | ||
| Yeah, they had a lot of gunshots, too. | ||
| This is a better version. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Oh, yeah, nightly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| That was a great neighborhood, yeah. | ||
| You used to hear gunshots nightly. | ||
|
unidentified
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Was I talking to you? | |
| Daily, sometimes. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Remember you were in the living room doing you-know-what? | ||
| Yeah, I was jerking off in the living room one time. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I wasn't there. | ||
| A bullet came through the window? | ||
| No, but it was like 2 in the afternoon and I'm like, just sitting on the couch, dick in my hand, laptop open, and I hear a fucking gunshot, but it sounds like somebody's on the balcony. | ||
| It's not like a distant, it's 2 in the afternoon, sun's out and you hear, bang! | ||
| And you're like, whoa, jump. | ||
| I threw the laptop and jump on the floor. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Like, just dick out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And I call Jose, the guy, the building manager, and I go, dude, did you hear that? | ||
| And he goes, hear what? | ||
| And I'm like, the gunshot? | ||
| Did you hear that? | ||
| He goes, no, I'm in the garage. | ||
| I didn't hear nothing. | ||
| And I go, all right, man. | ||
| I thought I heard a gunshot really loudly. | ||
| And he was like, I didn't hear anything. | ||
| I hang up the phone, and like two minutes later, the phone rings. | ||
| He's like, hey, Tom, it's Jose. | ||
| Yeah, some guy just got killed out on 6th Street. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, so that's what that was. | ||
| It was all blocked off. | ||
| Some guy had gone up to a guy on 6th Street, like 2 in the afternoon, shot him with a.357 right in the chest, one shot, and then put his hands up, got arrested. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, and that was the middle of the day. | ||
| Yeah, some people don't like each other. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't get along. | ||
| It's a hateful world. | ||
| What a terrible way to be able to end it, too. | ||
| You can't just get away from that person. | ||
| You've got to put holes in them. | ||
| And to die on shitty 6th Street. | ||
| Ah, it's the worst. | ||
| In this shit neighborhood. | ||
| You know what's shit about that neighborhood? | ||
| Is that we had the ice cream truck that would come in, like, part right in front of the house in the same loop. | ||
| Yeah, but it wasn't even the traditional. | ||
| It had, like, a little El Salvadorian flavor to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was some extra horns and whistles in it, yeah. | ||
| It was. | ||
| And remember the swap meet on like Alvarado? | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you guys feel really uncomfortable living in this neighborhood? | |
| It was the worst decision. | ||
| It was my fault because I was living in Silver Lake and I went on vacation. | ||
| I came back and my house had been infested with rats. | ||
| There was rat shit everywhere. | ||
| I had a grapefruit I had left out. | ||
| It was half eaten. | ||
| And I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| So this is the first place I could find, like the quickest place I could find. | ||
| And it was relatively safe, but it was a two-year disaster. | ||
| Wow, two years? | ||
|
unidentified
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Why two? | |
| Lazy, broke sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
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Broke, mostly, yeah. | |
| It was cheap. | ||
| I don't know, I got used to it, and then we were like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the other thing was, every night, we also were a block, I don't know if you remember, at this point it would be almost two years ago, on 6th Street, just a couple blocks from WeWares, where this El Salvadorian guy was crossing the street drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And he pulled out a knife, and he was wheeling around, and the cops shot him like 13 or 14 times, right? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So they killed him, and then the whole neighborhood rioted, and they walked up to the Rampart Division police station. | ||
| There was riots on the streets. | ||
| Yeah, helicopters everywhere. | ||
| We got on the roof of our building, and there was like... | ||
| Because it was nightly that we would see helicopters. | ||
| We would get the light would shine through our window every night. | ||
| But this night, we counted like 11, and they were just in a swarm above us, like a swarm of bees, just during the riot thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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That was like a couple weeks we were like, alright, we're definitely going to move now. | |
| We're done with this shit, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, this is too crazy. | ||
| So we left that neighborhood. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But there was a lot of gang fights. | ||
| 18th Street Gang. | ||
| We were right in between them. | ||
| MS-13, yeah. | ||
| And they would tag on our wall, like our building wall. | ||
| I have a buddy who lives in Venice on the corner where his daughter plays in the little playground area. | ||
| Three kids get shot. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Like, you know, one day you're there and someone pulls out a gun. | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| People die in a crossfire. | ||
| Shit happens. | ||
| What a crazy ass neighborhood to live in. | ||
| Venice apparently has a lot of that. | ||
|
unidentified
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I got robbed by a wizard. | |
| You know what happened when I lived in the valley one time? | ||
| My neighbor got murdered. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he got murdered in the front yard at night. | ||
| Shotgun shot seven times. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Which means they, like, reloaded. | ||
|
unidentified
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Seven. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And I was the only one that didn't hear it. | ||
| Like, everybody... | ||
| How loud do you snore, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
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I know, dude. | |
| Because I was in a deep sleep. | ||
| And I remember my buddy Chuck came over me and he puts his hand on my chest. | ||
| He's like, Tommy! | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, man. | ||
| And he goes, you hear that shit? | ||
| And I'm like, clearly not. | ||
| No, I was just fucking asleep when you yelled at me. | ||
| And he was like, there was a lot of shots right there. | ||
| And this wasn't a bad neighborhood, really. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So it was just someone really hated someone. | ||
| Well, it turns out, it kind of came out that he was dealing, I guess he was dealing some pretty major weight, so this was like a retaliation. | ||
| It was something drug-related. | ||
| But they never got the guys that got him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| They blasted him on his front fucking yard. | ||
| And they never got the guys that got him. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I wonder how much they actually catch as far as murders go. | ||
| You know what I think about a lot? | ||
| When you walk around, when you hear the percentage of unsolved homicides, how many times a day you cross paths with a murderer? | ||
| Oh, I'm convinced everybody is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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A lot. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't trust anybody. | ||
| They say that the one way that's the most difficult to catch someone is if they just do something random, like walk in somewhere, shoot someone and kill them, and then leave. | ||
| Those are really... | ||
| I mean, that's why everyone's pushing for surveillance and surveillance drones. | ||
| That's the best way to catch people? | ||
| The best way to get away with it. | ||
| Oh, just random killings. | ||
| Not premeditated at all. | ||
| Not like someone who you obviously have already been pissed off at. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say when the random ones happen, there's not much they can do. | ||
| There's still a high percentage of unsolved murders, man. | ||
| There's so many cases where they're just like, I just didn't get it. | ||
| That guy got away with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have the evidence. | ||
| Or sometimes, a lot of times now, it's these understaffed, at least in the U.S., understaffed police departments. | ||
| They have too many murders for how many cops they can put on to solve crimes, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| If your murder rate keeps going up, you go to like, have you seen the murder rate in like Venezuela? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no thanks. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Like Caracas, Venezuela has, like, I think our, our murder capital always fluctuates between like, New Orleans, Baltimore, Detroit, you know, sometimes it used to be like LA, New York, Miami gets in there. | ||
| And you're talking about in the 200 to 400 kind of fluctuation of murders. | ||
| And you take a city like Caracas, Venezuela has over a thousand. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you're talking about over four times the murders that happen in New Orleans? | ||
| And then you think about how many people you need... | ||
| It's a numbers game. | ||
| ...to solve, though, that many murders? | ||
| You just show up and you're just like, this is... | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| We got 27 on the other side of town. | ||
| I don't know if we're going to get to this one. | ||
| They don't give a shit about you in Venezuela, either. | ||
| There's no... | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, probably not. | |
| A lot of Mexican cities have ridiculously high... | ||
| Like, Monterey has really high fucking murder rate, man. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Unsolvable. | ||
| It's not solvable. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's just a part of life. | ||
| Murder's just a part of life. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to get to it all. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Too many other things. | ||
|
unidentified
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That sucks. | |
| It's crazy that that's going on in 2012, you know, because we have this sort of distorted perception of safety. | ||
| Oh, it's illusory. | ||
| I don't trust when people are like, like strangers. | ||
| Like, this week I was in Cleveland, and the manager of the club was like, oh, let me take you to the market in Cleveland. | ||
| I was like, I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| I texted, I texted Bert. | ||
| Yeah, I text him and I'm like, is this guy on the level? | ||
| I don't trust anybody. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're right to not. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You asked me, is he going to kill me? | ||
| Is he going to kidnap me? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I grew up in LA, man. | ||
| I'm street savvy. | ||
| I don't leave windows open at night. | ||
| Yeah, she's a real freak about that. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't trust anybody. | |
| Big city people have that fear more. | ||
| You should be. | ||
| Yeah, if you grew up in L.A. Yeah. | ||
| Remember the Night Stalker? | ||
| She was here for the Night Stalker. | ||
| Richard Ramirez? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As a child, you couldn't sleep with your window open because that guy was going to come in and steal you and stab you. | ||
| What would your dad say? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Oh, my dad doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| My dad's Hungarian. | ||
| He's like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Fuck Richard Ramirez. | ||
| I kill that cocksucker if he comes in. | ||
| I was like, alright man. | ||
| But he liked to listen to the police scanner too, my dad. | ||
| And like, figure out what crime was going on. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Ramirez was a scary guy. | ||
| You know, a lot of women try to marry that dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's married. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's married now. | ||
| He's married? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Good for him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I hope that shit works out. | ||
| Yeah, that's a terrifying dude. | ||
| Yeah, he did some horrible things to people. | ||
| He was caught by citizens. | ||
| Yeah, street justice. | ||
| How did he catch him? | ||
| He was leaving the scene. | ||
| He had tried to murder somebody, or maybe he did murder one of the people, and he was getting to his car. | ||
| Was it Simi Valley, I want to say? | ||
| Yeah, and people tackled him. | ||
| He was tackled by everyday people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| Because his picture was all over the news at that point. | ||
| Like this was like the height of the fever. | ||
| Imagine how horrifying that would feel to see that guy in your neighborhood after his picture had been all over the news and there he is right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coming from the scene of a murder. | ||
| I think it was three people that wowed him down. | ||
| And held him down. | ||
| Why didn't they beat him to death? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| That's a really good question. | ||
| I haven't read this story in a while. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I would have beat him to death. | ||
| I don't even think I would have thought twice about it. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| He's got a gun in his hand, too. | ||
| Yeah, I would have beat that guy to death. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, and I don't think you get in trouble for it, right? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| It's a real piece of shit like that. | ||
| I would say I lost my mind. | ||
| I went temporary insanity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crime of passion? | ||
| Yeah, and I would. | ||
| I would go temporary and say, could you imagine if, maybe if, like, perhaps he killed somebody you know? | ||
| Or you were worried he was going to kill somebody you know? | ||
| Like, you were thinking about him killing your mom or something like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how fucking crazy you can get? | ||
| Have you ever thought somebody was going to kill you at any point in your life? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
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You? | |
| Yes? | ||
| Really? | ||
| There was, like, a time when I was, like, a stupid teenager and I was high and I'd take a ride with someone and you're like, I'm going to fucking die! | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Or somebody that was driving me was on acid when I was like a teenager. | ||
| If you look at serial killers, that's the creepiest thing ever. | ||
| The creepiest thing ever is people that just decide they get a kick out of killing people. | ||
| So they go look to try to find people to kill. | ||
| Get a rush out of it. | ||
| You could just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and run into one of those motherfuckers. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And there's no rationale to why they want to kill certain people or just have a thing for certain people. | ||
| Well, Ted Bundy didn't like brunettes because some brunette broke his heart. | ||
| So all the girls he got were brunettes, yeah. | ||
| You know, I have met a lot of dudes that I don't think were serial killers. | ||
| But I think developed a hate for women. | ||
| Like a real hate over years and years of rejection. | ||
| Their egos can't handle it. | ||
| And they decide that there's something wrong with that person because they're constantly associating that person with negative feelings. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like they always associate women with being rejected. | ||
| With being humiliated, with being mocked and laughed at. | ||
| So they associate them with pain. | ||
| And their meager brains just aren't able to realize that that's just a person. | ||
| That person doesn't owe you shit. | ||
| And you're really not that attractive. | ||
| And why would she want to fuck you, you asshole? | ||
| Just think about what you're offering her. | ||
| I don't know how you could fix that, but that's what you need to concentrate on. | ||
| Instead of concentrating on what people like. | ||
| Getting angry at people for not liking you. | ||
| That gets to be a weird thing. | ||
| It morphs into a bigger thing, too, because they get to sit on it and think about it. | ||
| So it becomes a bigger picture thing for them. | ||
| They're like, all women. | ||
| I've felt that before. | ||
| I've walked into radio stations, and the assumption is, maybe they've seen photographs of me, and they're like, oh, she's going to be a cunty blonde. | ||
| And sometimes I sense it, like the assumption is that I'll be a dick to them. | ||
| And I'm like, no way. | ||
| I'm not saying that I'm the hottest, but I think the assumption is if you're a somewhat attractive girl, you're going to be a douchebag. | ||
| I know Ari didn't like girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I did his podcast. | ||
| What do you mean Ari doesn't like girls? | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| He and I did a podcast. | ||
| He came over and I just sensed that he has that thing with some girls where he thinks that we hate him. | ||
| But we hashed it out. | ||
| Yeah, we hashed it out. | ||
| Ari's not a handsome fella. | ||
| But he gets really attractive girls, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course he does. | |
| He's a badass comedian, but his look is odd. | ||
| You're going to have to deal with a certain amount of rejection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think he's beautiful. | ||
| But I mean, he's cool. | ||
| So what do you mean, though, that he doesn't... | ||
| Do you really think that that's what it was, that he doesn't like women? | ||
| Yeah, I think that he did have... | ||
| So it's from rejection. | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| Because he's had his heart smashed, I think, by some good-looking broads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And, yeah, I mean, when he came over, I asked him that. | |
| It's based on how many women you're interacting with and where you're at in your life while you're interacting with them. | ||
| Sometimes the relationship means more than it should to you because you don't have a whole lot of shit going on outside of it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| My feelings on relationships are always, if someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, I don't want them to be with me. | ||
| And that's cool in the gang, and good luck with whatever you're onto. | ||
| But what did Ari say, though? | ||
| Oh, um, no, because I brought it up. | ||
| I was like, I have this, I feel this unspoken animosity that you have towards me, like over the years, because I'd, and I thought, you know, maybe I'm projecting, maybe that's my bullshit that I'm projecting on him. | ||
| And, and I was like, I just sense that you don't like girls, like you hate women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, you know, maybe a little bit, you're right, because I came up with a comedy store, and I was rolling with those boys. | |
| I mean, so I think he had a little bit of the comedy store. | ||
| He was rolling with those boys? | ||
| Like us? | ||
| No, no, not you. | ||
| Oh, Dave Taylor? | ||
| Yeah, like those boys. | ||
| They're kind of shitty. | ||
| And I think the assumption he had is that if you're a cute girl, that you get ahead in comedy faster, which I don't know if it's true. | ||
| Maybe they do. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Yeah, so what? | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| You recognize it. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Real quality will always shine anyway. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| If someone's getting through just because they're cute, their quality of their work is going to be exposed. | ||
| Well, yeah, you can't go forever. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's not going to last. | ||
| Yeah, what's good is good. | ||
| And if someone gets a little advantage because they're hot, good for them. | ||
| They got a lucky break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| And since when is show business a meritocracy for one fucking thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| That's all hater bullshit. | ||
| That's all that is. | ||
| All that stuff is just hater bullshit, worrying about other people getting ahead. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's the dumbest stuff that comedians and entertainers and I'm sure folks in all sorts of walks of life entertain themselves with. | ||
| They let their mind go into these unfixable little circles where you look at someone else's success as somehow or another that's bad for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, like it hurt you. | ||
| It makes you feel inadequate or whatever. | ||
| You should look at that, whatever it is, and use all that shit and be inspired. | ||
| That's what you should do. | ||
| Even if someone you fucking hate is doing well, you should say, whoa, this makes me want to work hard. | ||
| This makes me want to push. | ||
| This makes me want to get ahead. | ||
| Use it. | ||
| Use it as inspiration. | ||
| But don't ever let yourself get to that, who the fuck this fucking guy's name fucking sucks, what about me? | ||
| Can't get to that state of mind, because that's a negative, just a shit, sloshy, no progress, wishy-washy state of mind. | ||
| It's a bitch state of mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| We've all done it. | ||
| I did it a bunch when I first started out. | ||
| I was too competitive. | ||
| Getting involved in open mic nights. | ||
| Everyone was competitive about who did well. | ||
| We didn't know what the fuck we were doing. | ||
| We're open micers. | ||
| We don't know what we're doing. | ||
| But I think there's a little something to being competitive with your peers, but it should never be negative. | ||
| You've got to keep it from being something where it's a consuming thing. | ||
| When I see people, and I've seen it, I've seen it firsthand, like recently, comics that were talking about a comic that was successful, and they were talking shit about them. | ||
| And I was listening to them talking shit about them, and I can see the... | ||
| It didn't matter what they were saying. | ||
| They were basically... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, it's that state. | |
| It's that state. | ||
| It doesn't matter what words are coming out. | ||
| That's a shitty state of mind. | ||
| You can't say... | ||
| If a guy's doing well, that means someone's liking him. | ||
| And you might not like certain aspects of his work. | ||
| But does it really bug you that much? | ||
| Or is what's really bugging you the fact that this guy is doing something? | ||
| Or that you're not doing enough with your own life. | ||
| And that's usually what it is. | ||
| When you're like, why is that person... | ||
| Something's wrong with you, man. | ||
| Your head's not right. | ||
| Judging them on... | ||
| I mean, look, there's going to be stuff you like and stuff you don't like. | ||
| There's always going to be that. | ||
| I went to see that Cabin in the Woods. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loved it. | |
| I knew you would love it. | ||
| Stupid as fuck. | ||
| Ridiculous movie. | ||
| Had a great time. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Like what he says about movies. | ||
| Sometimes I'm on board, but most of the time I'm really surprised. | ||
| Yo, Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 91%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
91? | |
| Yeah, and Eddie's like, it's the worst fucking movie ever. | ||
| Oh my god, I enjoyed the shit out of that movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he describes it as like fucking porn coming out of his mouth slowly. | |
| Yeah, but Brian's like, dude, this might be your favorite movie. | ||
| Dude, there's even werewolves in this movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| People got jacked by werewolves. | ||
| That's why I left. | ||
| That's why I went to the bathroom. | ||
| It's a crazy hybrid weird fucking movie. | ||
| It's kind of silly. | ||
| It's a fun movie, right? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But there's almost aspects of it where you could consider it a comedy. | ||
| Like I see what Eddie was saying. | ||
| It was totally over the top. | ||
| But really fucking fun. | ||
| Really fun. | ||
| Stupid ass fucking horror movie with a massive twist. | ||
| The twist I won't get into. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| That's what it's all about, man. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I'm not in the movies to have it mimic real life and have things be completely random and unpredictable. | ||
| I guess what? | ||
| I have a real life. | ||
| Life's hard enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll go to the movies. | |
| I want to see monsters. | ||
| I want to see explosions and aliens and UFOs. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| UFOs are fucking bummer movies when you see the trailer. | ||
| Fuck a bummer movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Plus that one we were like, no. | ||
| First of all, I don't want to see that silent movie. | ||
| Yeah, that movie can suck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No thanks. | |
| Fuck that movie. | ||
| We invented sound for a reason. | ||
| Duncan was like, you gotta see it! | ||
| It's great art, man! | ||
| Aleister Crowley, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freak you out! | |
| I don't need any more art. | ||
| Like AIDS and shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's always like... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| She got cancer or whatever. | ||
| Cancer and then they shot my son. | ||
| Oh, fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| The movie's amazing. | ||
| And I'm like, no, it's not amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| I'm not even getting bummed out. | ||
| I'm not even getting bummed out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is supposed to be entertainment for me. | ||
| These motherfuckers take themselves so seriously. | ||
| And just because you can depict something depressing and it depresses me, it doesn't mean it's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| It means you did a really good job of making something fucking depressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not good. | ||
| Imagine if you were like, if comedy had so much leeway, if we could make depressing stand-up. | ||
| I guess a lot of stand-up would be kind of depressing. | ||
| It would be the most depressing shit in the world. | ||
| If comics just were like, I'm going to share this stuff. | ||
| If we told the truth, you would jump without punchlines. | ||
| I'm going to share this stuff with no jokes. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Childhood shit. | ||
| That negative shit you're talking about, where comics going like, fuck that. | ||
| You know where you see that a lot? | ||
| Is when you do the road, and you... | ||
| You run into other comics on the road who are, and a lot of times they'll start with, like, I used to live in L.A. And you're like, oh yeah, how's that? | ||
| And they're like, fuck that place, man. | ||
| And you're like, here it goes. | ||
| Alright, open up. | ||
| And then they do the whole, like, you know, it's all bullshit. | ||
| And I just realized, like, it doesn't even matter if you're any good at it. | ||
| And I'm like, nah, I think it does matter if you're good at it. | ||
| I think that helps a lot. | ||
| And, you know, they give you the whole speech. | ||
| They're like, it's all shit, and that's why I left. | ||
| I used to do it, but now I like it here in fucking Podunk, Iowa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And you're like, Yeah. | ||
| Good, man. | ||
| I think you're going to run shit in this town in no time, so just stay here. | ||
| The worst is then, as the night goes on, he starts drinking and gets even more bitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the best. | |
| And towards the end, the L.A. guy. | ||
| The L.A. guy is here. | ||
| We should let him talk. | ||
| He's the LA guy. | ||
| When I moved out here, my uncle goes, I used to live in LA. I hated it. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| And when he said goodbye, he was just like, yeah, by the way, I used to live there. | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| That was for his goodbye message, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Positive energy. | |
| I love when people tell me that they hate LA. What a good dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's my favorite. | ||
| Yeah, you hate LA. You've never even been to LA. I'm like, that's cool, man. | ||
| I love it there. | ||
| I enjoy myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's people that have never even been here that LA has a lot of bullshit attached to it. | |
| Of course. | ||
| But it's got a lot of great stuff, too. | ||
| I love my neighborhood. | ||
| There's a lot of great stuff in LA. But the comedy clubs, I mean, where is it that you have a city that has, like, Pasadena Ice House is only 20 minutes away, okay? | ||
| You got, right there on Melrose, you got the Improv, one of the greatest clubs in the country. | ||
| You got the Laugh Stop, or the Laugh Factory, rather, and the Comedy Store. | ||
| All in one city. | ||
| You got Hermosa. | ||
| Yeah, and you got Hermosa, Comedy and Magic Club. | ||
| That's another... | ||
| Pretty fucking dangerous. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LA in general, though. | |
| What? | ||
| Hermosa? | ||
| No, LA in general. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Besides the gangs and all that crap, but just the fact that there's a lot of drugs out here. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking fast cars. | ||
| There's a lot of people making bad decisions out here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fast cars? | |
| It just seems like everything... | ||
| He's seven. | ||
| He doesn't know that people drive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| I see it all the time though. | ||
| I'll be on sunset at 3 in the morning and suddenly a Ferrari goes down the street going like 200 and you're like, really? | ||
| You just blew like three red lights right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| But I love that this is one of your focuses for the shitty part of the city. | ||
| All these fast fucking cars, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're just driving around. | |
| The real problem with the city is Lamborghinis. | ||
| I'm just saying in general that it's not normal. | ||
| The people out here are in the entertainment business. | ||
| They're in a certain kind of field of jobs. | ||
| So it's a lot of different thinking than, say, a normal city where you have a little bit of everything. | ||
| You have a little bit of people that are bankers, farmers. | ||
| It's definitely crazy. | ||
| I see shit all the time. | ||
| I'm like, if my mom saw that, that would be crazy if my mom just saw that. | ||
| Yeah, I agree with you to a certain extent, but it's also the circles you run in. | ||
| You're running around going to these crazy parties and hanging out with these weird people. | ||
| I got robbed at a karaoke bar across the street from NBC. Wow. | ||
| In Burbank. | ||
| In Burbank. | ||
| That's odd, but that's an anomaly. | ||
| That can happen though, but you know, whenever there's a bar, you run into the possibility that someone might try to rob people coming out of the bar. | ||
| Because people are drunk, and when drunk people come out of a bar and you rob them, I'm like, what the fuck are the cops going to do about that? | ||
| You know, the cops are going to... | ||
| What is your perception going to be like? | ||
| What is the story going to be like? | ||
| Do you really remember what the guy looked like? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you're hammered, the cops are talking, and you're like, the guy fucking pulled a gun on me, and where's my money? | ||
| What? | ||
| There's my money, man. | ||
| The cop's going to be like, all right, sir. | ||
| Okay, you say he was black? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, come on. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| That's the perfect guy to rob. | ||
| So it might not have necessarily been, you know, that Burbank is dangerous. | ||
| It might have been somebody targeted that bar. | ||
| People do shit like that. | ||
| You're right, though, that when you're on the road, especially if you spend four or five days, and you go out kind of more the third and fourth day, and you're like, this is a different speed, a smaller city. | ||
| Oh, most definitely. | ||
| This is way different. | ||
| Yeah, well, when I lived in Colorado and I came back to here, I noticed a huge difference in the way people drive. | ||
| People drive 50% faster here. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Those fast cars, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They cut a lot of people off, and they don't use blinkers as much, and it's way less courteous. | ||
| I still feel like South Florida holds the trophy on that one. | ||
| Oh, for country driving? | ||
|
unidentified
|
An asshole driving? | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| There's nothing like it. | ||
| You can feel it. | ||
| As you go down 95, you hit Lauderdale, and then once you get to northern Dade County, you're like, holy shit, man. | ||
| Dude, I did the Fort Lauderdale Improv this weekend. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| What a fucking great club. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great club. | ||
| What a fun time. | ||
| I guess I did it last night. | ||
| No, night before last. | ||
| What's today? | ||
| Night before last. | ||
| Wednesday. | ||
| I don't remember what day it is. | ||
| Fort Lauderdale was fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Great crowds. | ||
| It's a good room. | ||
| They're wild. | ||
| The energy is just like, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good. | |
| Yeah, they're crazy people. | ||
| I feel like you have to turn it up. | ||
| That's how tired I am. | ||
| I forgot about yesterday for a half a second. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| Lauderdale's nuts, man. | ||
| It's a wild place, man. | ||
| They fucking party hard down there in Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| I think South Florida's all about, you know, you go down there and you realize that if you go actually into Miami, that you can go to places that close at 5 and that open at 5.30 a.m. | ||
| for the after party. | ||
| And it's not that rare. | ||
| So they clean up for a half hour? | ||
| Or they just go to another place. | ||
| And by the time you get there, that shit's open. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can party until noon in Miami. | ||
| Jeez, to break it down. | ||
| Go on and on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To break it down. | |
| Yeah, you can fucking party. | ||
| You get all kinds of crayons there in Miami. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Well, when I was in Fort Lauderdale, I asked them, what time is the last call? | ||
| And they said, it's 5 a.m. | ||
| 5 a.m. | ||
| 5 a.m. | ||
| And I'm like, that's because of cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 100%, right? | ||
| Cocaine changed that law. | ||
| That shit doesn't make sense. | ||
| Everywhere else is like two. | ||
| New York, it's like four. | ||
| And they're like, no, five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about an extra hour to move product? | |
| Isn't that the city that cocaine built, though? | ||
| Miami, right? | ||
| People are buying coke. | ||
| That's the hours they're going to be buying coke. | ||
| Those two to five hours. | ||
| Let's keep the party rolling, man. | ||
| Let's keep the party rolling. | ||
| It's not a 3 p.m. | ||
| purchase. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Get back to the gym. | ||
| I should do a bump. | ||
| And that you think about it all rationally. | ||
| I should do a bump. | ||
| I should do some coke right now. | ||
| God. | ||
| So many people that did a lot of coke... | ||
| Early on in their life, they have big problems when they get older. | ||
| Their neurological system, like Richard Pryor had a big problem, and I don't know if she really did a lot of it. | ||
| I should probably not say. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a rumor. | ||
| I know a bunch of different people besides that that have had real serious issues with their body. | ||
| I always had a fear of that. | ||
| I just had a fear of... | ||
| You know, sometimes the scare tactic works. | ||
| Like when I saw the... | ||
| They would be like, you know, you can do cocaine one time you get a heart attack. | ||
| That somehow got into my brain when I was young enough where I was totally scared to try it. | ||
| It's just too expensive, man. | ||
| Every time I did it, I used to be like, fuck, that was like a Nintendo game. | ||
| That was a lot of money. | ||
| That was half my paycheck. | ||
| Do you do it? | ||
| Never done it, no. | ||
| I'm scared of it. | ||
| Scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, I grew up, and a lot of kids did crystal. | ||
| That was, like, the crystal meth. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we talked about this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| It's so grody. | ||
| But, you know, you can always tell when someone was a tweaker. | ||
| Like, I've had some ex-tweaker bosses who, like, they can't handle more than one thing at a time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, as they get out of it. | |
| What? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Listen, I'm fascinated by the insight, the mind of a tweaker. | ||
| So while you're saying this, I'm really getting excited. | ||
| Yeah, so, okay, I used to work retail, like on Melrose, at some shitty clothing store. | ||
| It was called No Problem. | ||
| That's when you're speaking about Puerto Rican, right? | ||
| This was after the Puerto Rican guy, yeah. | ||
| And I remember I had this boss who, like, if somebody came in the door and she had to ring somebody up at the register at the same time, it was like a total meltdown. | ||
| Like, her brain couldn't process two things at once. | ||
| And I know she was a tweaker in the past. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can just see them. | ||
| She's overwhelmed. | ||
| My step-sister's kind of like that, too. | ||
| She used to do meth, so she's all like... | ||
| You can also sometimes tell by that face, that gaunt look. | ||
| Some of the teeth have offset. | ||
| Some of them replaced. | ||
| It's like a look. | ||
| They're twitchy. | ||
| They picked it too many times. | ||
| There used to be this tweaker that used to hang around the pool hall that I used to go to. | ||
| And I don't want to say her name, because she might still be alive. | ||
| And if she's still alive, she probably listens to this podcast. | ||
| So let's just call her X. Okay? | ||
| That's her name, X. And she was a... | ||
| It's not my X. No. | ||
| Call her X. She wasn't anybody's X. She was... | ||
| I mean, I never saw a single guy that was... | ||
| I mean, she wasn't particularly ugly, but she was so cracked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All the time. | ||
| That it was just really odd to be around her. | ||
| It's like you were around someone who was going through a dream. | ||
| And she would play pool by herself and stare guys in the eyes. | ||
| And she was crazy. | ||
| And she became almost sort of family there. | ||
| She was there so often that she would sort of kind of hit on guys, but she was so crazy. | ||
| Nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. | ||
| I mean, she was completely insane. | ||
| But she became almost like our crackhead mascot. | ||
| That was there all the time. | ||
| Throw chips at her. | ||
| Yeah, she would come in and play pool. | ||
| And I even think she got a job cleaning up at one point in time. | ||
| They gave her like some hours. | ||
| You guys used to take turns on her when you got really drunk in the alley. | ||
| As crazy as pool hall people are, desperate, especially 24-hour gambling pool hall places, which this place was, nobody fucked her. | ||
| Nobody, dude. | ||
| She was pretty bad. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| But she was a sweet heart of a person. | ||
| I didn't ever communicate with her enough to go, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Crank? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I never got to that conversation. | ||
| But, man, she would have these weird moments where she would think maybe I could go to dinner. | ||
| Maybe I didn't think anyone would have it. | ||
| We can just go to dinner. | ||
| And I'm like, I can't. | ||
| I can't go to dinner. | ||
| I have a girlfriend. | ||
| I can't go to dinner with anybody else but her. | ||
| Okay, no problem. | ||
| And she would go over and play pool and stare at you. | ||
| She was really like a character in a movie. | ||
| I remember me and my friend Johnny B were sitting there, we were watching her once, and she was giving us crazy googly eyes while she was knocking balls around the table. | ||
| She would play pool for like 20 minutes at a time and then bring the balls back. | ||
| So while she's doing this, she's playing, doing googly eyes, and Johnny looks at me, and my friend Johnny was like, this is a really streetwise kid. | ||
| He goes, yo, dog. | ||
| He goes, you put her in a movie? | ||
| And people would say it's too over the top. | ||
| They go, you gotta cut that character back. | ||
| Nobody's gonna believe this character. | ||
| Some fucking crazy bitch comes in all methed out and starts shooting balls around, giving people googly eyes, and she would put like a leg up in the air while she would make a shot and try to be like a ballerina or something. | ||
| She was completely cranked out. | ||
| It was really fascinating. | ||
| Because she wasn't that old. | ||
| I believe she was probably 30-ish, somewhere in her 30s. | ||
| Yeah, but it ages you. | ||
| Drugs, though, yeah. | ||
| It ages you and dog eaters. | ||
| It seemed like there might have been some crazy mixed in with the drugs, too. | ||
| It seems like there was a little bit of self-medicating going on. | ||
| I like that there's always, with that type of person, with a crazy and or drug person, there's a real line between you being around them and being amused and then backing off because you're kind of scared of them. | ||
| Even if they're not a scary... | ||
| They're not physically imposing. | ||
| It's so big and so crazy what they do that you have fear on some level of how weird and crazy they get. | ||
| If it's a little bit less, you're like, oh, this is funny. | ||
| He's just kind of fucked up right now. | ||
| But then it goes over that line, you're like, this is terrifying. | ||
| When they're like, this is too much. | ||
| Yeah, well, you wonder what their perception of reality is like, whether or not they can really control themselves. | ||
| Because that's somebody that could randomly kill somebody, usually. | ||
| You know, if you get fucked up and you don't know what's going on. | ||
| Yeah, if someone's fucking completely messed out, how much do they even know about what they're actually doing? | ||
| A lot of it, like, if you just watch Cops, you see that episode all the time where they're, like, in some la-la land. | ||
| They would believe and do anything. | ||
| They think Abraham Lincoln's chasing them, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you stay up for days. | ||
| Like, you don't sleep on meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you hallucinate. | ||
| And meth, isn't meth just kind of like a speed, right? | ||
| No, it's made of, like, battery acid and, like, sudeperin. | ||
| Pre-cum. | ||
| It's pre-cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It gives you a speed effect, but it doesn't give you a visual effect, right? | |
| Well, it totally impairs your judgment on top of spiking you through the roof. | ||
| You have in your brain what stops you from doing certain things. | ||
| Your ability to make a judgment on, like, I shouldn't drive 150 down this road because of the dangers that apply. | ||
| All that goes out. | ||
| That's why they, you know, you've seen like I Survived, the woman was like kidnapped and these people that were messed out just stabbing her and, you know, cutting her slice. | ||
| Then they came back and they hit her with a car, they set her on fire. | ||
| Oh my god, she survived? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when they arrested them, you know, they were all tweaked out and later on they were all like, I didn't know that we did all that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But that's why you should do cocaine instead. | ||
| It's a little better of a drug. | ||
| It's a grown-up drug. | ||
| If you can afford it, do coke. | ||
| It seems like some people just want to escape reality. | ||
| To be a person in this day and age that still wants to try meth for the first time, you must fucking hate your reality. | ||
| Your reality must suck so bad that the idea of being horribly addicted to one of the worst drugs ever created doesn't even faze you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or heroin. | |
| You're like, I'm going to try it. | ||
| But at least heroin has been connected to some great musicians. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I had a discussion with some friends about Hendrix, because I always say that Hendrix did heroin. | ||
| And they were always, no, it was acid. | ||
| But it turns out he actually got arrested for heroin. | ||
| He got arrested in Toronto for heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he definitely had some use of heroin. | ||
| There's definitely a correlation between heroin and good music. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say that that was his number one thing, but, I mean, Hendrix obviously was really into acid as well, and obviously a fucking musical genius. | ||
| There was just some shit that some dude can tune into that the average person can't, and he could just nail it. | ||
| I think he would have been fucking amazing if he did nothing, if he just drank water and fucking grapefruits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but heroin has influenced many, many musicians. | ||
| Velvet Underground? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lou Reed, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had a song about heroin, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one's scary to listen to, though. | ||
| I think it was a big part of a lot of musicians' experiences because it's such a sensual type of experience. | ||
| Like, the idea behind it is that it's so sensitive and raw, the experience of this blissful energy that the opiates provide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That you can embrace the pure sound of music and see it. | ||
| I can see the appeal more of getting in. | ||
| The appeal being that it's a great painkiller. | ||
| It takes you to this la la land. | ||
| You can romanticize that drug, but to start crystal meth, you're like, I want to eat rocks, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to chew on rocks. | |
| That's kind of What you're saying you want to do, you know? | ||
| I guess I don't get drugs where you have crazy energy, but it's unfocused energy. | ||
| Because I think with meth, I don't know, can you do stuff? | ||
| Yeah, people do stuff. | ||
| Can you win the Nobel Prize on meth? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Can you make good music on that? | ||
| We'll do tasks. | ||
| I think what he said about judgment, I think your judgment is really involved in every single aspect of what you do. | ||
| And when you're doing a drug that fucks your judgment, what happened? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I was just thinking, like, what... | ||
| I mean, Hendrix could focus on heroin. | ||
| Well, I don't think he was using heroin that much. | ||
| I think it was more acid. | ||
| Well, they said that one of the things he used to do is put acid in his headband. | ||
| So that when he had it on, his pores would open up while he was on stage. | ||
| It would drip into his skin. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if that's an urban legend, though. | ||
| Something like a hippie thing to say. | ||
| It sounds like, yeah. | ||
| But you can't function on acid. | ||
| Sounds like someone really annoying would tell you. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I could never function on acid. | ||
| Well, someone threw a no-hitter on acid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Who was that? | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| I remember that! | ||
| And he was like, I partied all day, and then my friend was like, you gotta play a game, man! | ||
| And he had stayed up all night, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Doc Ellis. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Doc Ellis. | ||
| Yeah, he threw a no-hitter while on acid. | ||
| And now he's the parking lot guy at that comedy store. | ||
| That story, they did a really good job of animating that online. | ||
| The Doc Ellis thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I did. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What was that for? | ||
| I think he told that story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forget. | |
| I don't know who he told it to. | ||
| But they did an animation to the story that's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Really good. | ||
| I could see how it could go right. | ||
| I've never done acid. | ||
| I should say that right off the bat. | ||
| The only psychedelics I've ever done are DMT, mushrooms, ecstasy, which isn't really a psychedelic. | ||
| I've done the Amanita muscaria mushroom and the other kind, psilocybin. | ||
| But no acid. | ||
| And no one I've ever trusted had it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's always been like someone's... | ||
| You know, if it came up, it was someone who just had this weird glint in their eye. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's too complicated. | ||
| And it's too illegal. | ||
| It's really difficult to make. | ||
| So if you're making it, like you're out there on the fringes, son. | ||
| Some people just got busted recently. | ||
| Some school somewhere. | ||
| Some kids were producing acid and they busted them. | ||
| I wouldn't do acid again. | ||
| I've done it probably over a hundred times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| A hundred times? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It was probably way over a hundred. | ||
| That's why you're seven. | ||
| It probably didn't help. | ||
| It's something I don't want to do. | ||
| I can't believe I do mushrooms now. | ||
| I never really considered mushrooms bad. | ||
| Mushrooms teach me shit, man. | ||
| Every time I've done mushrooms, I just have a new revelation, a new insight in things. | ||
| The problem with ass is that it's too much of a commitment. | ||
| Like where mushrooms is usually like four or five hours. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You won't do mushrooms anymore? | ||
| No, I will. | ||
| Lately I'm just more scared of the mushrooms that have been going around. | ||
| I think that they're not the right kind. | ||
| Have you done that over a hundred times too? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're scared of the mushrooms that are going around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Based on what? | ||
| It's just I don't trust mushrooms as much as I trust mushrooms. | ||
| Well, it's kind of along the same lines. | ||
| Where are you getting this from? | ||
| You're getting this from someone willing to stick their neck out and sell something illegally, which is often the case. | ||
| But apparently there's some sort of a loophole, and truffles are not illegal. | ||
| You can get psilocybin truffles. | ||
| Go Google that shit, folks. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| I don't want to be a purveyor of any... | ||
| I've never heard of truffles. | ||
| Schedule 1 information. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that Doc Ellis was taking other drugs in conjunction with just acid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Yeah, because I've taken a lot of acid, and I don't know. | ||
| I didn't even know where I was. | ||
| There are times you're like, where am I? In a convenience store? | ||
| Where am I? In a convenience store? | ||
| Where am I? I can't even know. | ||
| But people react differently on it, right? | ||
| Some people... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wish I could know. | ||
| It's just like mushrooms for the most part. | ||
| It's either it could be all visuals or it could be speedy. | ||
| Sometimes you're just in a... | ||
| Well, for pool players, there's always been two things. | ||
| Amphetamines and, if you can handle it, heroin. | ||
| And the guys who would do heroin had no nerves. | ||
| They had no nerves. | ||
| They wouldn't feel any nervousness. | ||
| So they'd gamble for ridiculous amounts of money and just never miss. | ||
| There was a dude, his name was Water Dog. | ||
| That was his nickname. | ||
| Or Buffalo Bill, depending on who you name. | ||
| And he would always come and they would make a game. | ||
| They'd figure out how much they were going to bet. | ||
| And it was always a lot of money because he was like a top level local player. | ||
| And then he would go to the bathroom and he would shoot up. | ||
| And he would come back and he would sit on a stool. | ||
| And he would sit on this bar stool like this. | ||
| Just like this. | ||
| I mean, I'm not bullshitting his hands like a T-Rex and just sit there for like a half an hour just blasted on heroin. | ||
| And then he would get off and then he would screw his cue together and he wouldn't miss a fucking ball. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| They played on this table. | ||
| There was a gambling table that they had. | ||
| And a regular pool table's pockets are 5 inches. | ||
| They're like these big sloppy open pockets where you don't have to hit a ball absolutely perfectly. | ||
| They had these under 4 inches. | ||
| It was under 4. It was like 3 and 3 quarter inches. | ||
| It was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| The ball barely fit through the hole. | ||
| And this motherfucker was just firing things in. | ||
| He wouldn't miss. | ||
| He couldn't miss. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| He wasn't nervous at all. | ||
| They were betting thousands of dollars. | ||
| It was maybe $10,000 each. | ||
| It was a very high bet. | ||
| Because the guy he was doing it with was a horse jockey. | ||
| They had different kinds of carts. | ||
| Horses would pull carts. | ||
| What the fuck are those things? | ||
| Wagons? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like a type of racing. | ||
| The horse is actually pulling a cart behind it. | ||
| It's not just the horse running and the guy on top of it. | ||
| And he was just a crazy gambler. | ||
| And he would play this fucking guy. | ||
| And he would get so bummed out because he knew he couldn't... | ||
| The guy couldn't miss because he's unharrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on the shit! | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| Look at him, the motherfucker. | ||
| He can't miss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on the shit! | |
| The guy would be complaining. | ||
| But he wouldn't even care that he was complaining. | ||
| So he just had a slack jaw look and just... | ||
| The balls would just... | ||
| Fire into the hole. | ||
| Would they get into the heroin because they knew it would help the nerves? | ||
| Is that why they would even get into it? | ||
| They're degenerates. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Most of those guys, they were looking to party at all times. | ||
| Pool players are some of the wildest human beings. | ||
| People that have actually made a commitment to trying to make their entire living off of tricking people to gamble with them that don't play as good as them and then betting all your money on that. | ||
| Those people are nuts. | ||
| Bullying poker. | ||
| They're nuts. | ||
| There's a good percentage of them that are nuts. | ||
| A lot of them aren't. | ||
| A lot of them are really cool and smart people that are just in love with pool and that's all they want to do. | ||
| The tournament guys. | ||
| The guys that travel from tournament to tournament. | ||
| Even the best ones of them are the gamblers. | ||
| The best tournament guys. | ||
| The guys like this kid named Shane Van Boning who's deaf. | ||
| And when he plays he shuts his hearing aid off. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And he goes into his own little world and he doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He doesn't hear shit. | ||
| He just plays. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Yeah, it does everything on feel. | ||
| No hearing, you know? | ||
| It's kind of fascinating. | ||
| To the point where people have actually accused him of having an advantage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And one guy was playing him, this guy Earl Strickland, actually stuffed his ears with cotton and then put big, like those... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, aviator headsets on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a dick. | |
| Like someone who would... | ||
| That is a dick, man. | ||
| Work at the fucking towers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The flight guys. | ||
| That's what he would wear. | ||
| Yeah, and he would play pool with that on. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, there's some fucking characters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't hear? | |
| Yeah, I can't hear either, asshole. | ||
| He's got these goddamn huge headphones on, man. | ||
| What a ridiculous asshole. | ||
| With stuffing in his ears. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| But he's brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant and crazy at the same time. | ||
| These pool players, that's a nutty life. | ||
| So, you know, when you ask what came first, the heroin or the pool, it was all together. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're all hanging out at these 24-hour pool places. | ||
| They were the most fun I had ever had as a kid growing up. | ||
| What city was this in that you were in? | ||
| White Plains, New York. | ||
| Executive Billiards. | ||
| 24 hours a day. | ||
| Well, we had the keys. | ||
| My friend owned it. | ||
| My friend Guy was the owner of the place. | ||
| So we were always there. | ||
| So Guy would keep it open and we would lock the door and we would all play by ourselves. | ||
| We had people in there gambling and playing by themselves late at night. | ||
| It was just such a clubhouse. | ||
| And I had... | ||
| I don't want to say a cunty girlfriend, but she was a little on the negative side. | ||
| We had problems because of that. | ||
| She didn't mean to be. | ||
| She's not a bad person at all. | ||
| It's just sort of the way she grew up. | ||
| She had a hard life. | ||
| When we were interacting, if she would bum me out, I just couldn't wait to get the fuck away from her and get back to that pool hall where I knew some crazy shit was going on. | ||
| I knew there was two dudes who were gambling on roaches to see which roach could get to the corner first. | ||
| And it was like yelling, man, yo, you can't coach the roach, bro. | ||
| You can't coach the roach. | ||
| It was like everything was always fun. | ||
| It was a bunch of men. | ||
| And there was very little violence. | ||
| And all the years that I was there, I saw a couple of little minor altercations. | ||
| Nothing serious at all. | ||
| But it was always fun. | ||
| You'd always go there. | ||
| And it was a bunch of men who really didn't want to grow up. | ||
| And my friend Max Eberle, who's a professional, he said that there was, at one point in time in this country, there was a bachelor class of men that never wanted to get married. | ||
| They just didn't want to do it, and a lot of those guys would go to pool halls. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why pool halls got such a bad reputation, is that everybody else, in his mind, and Max is a really nice guy, He's a very easy-going guy, but in his mind, he's like, why is there this desire to get people to enforce or to live some other form of life that he doesn't want to live? | ||
| If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to have to have children, why can't you just let him hang out at the pool hall? | ||
| But they would always be considered degenerates because of that desire. | ||
| It would always be assumed that if you wanted to be someplace where you're playing pool at 4 o'clock in the morning, terrible things were afoot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Usually they were right. | ||
| They could be out doing actually bad things, so they're just playing pool. | ||
| Well, the reason is because the people that are willing to be up at 4 o'clock in the morning hanging out all night at this pool hall are the same people who are not going to listen to whatever anybody tells them to, and they're going to want to try to do whatever they want to do. | ||
| And if whatever they want to do is just gamble all day, I mean... | ||
| Why stop them? | ||
| As long as they're not robbing anybody. | ||
| Yeah, as long as they're not doing anything illegal. | ||
| There was a shockingly small amount of criminals in all the time that I hung out at these pool halls. | ||
| You'd think there's way more criminals, way more crime. | ||
| Very little. | ||
| Yeah, because of the late night and the boozing and the drugs. | ||
| No, it wasn't even that. | ||
| There wasn't really that many bad guys there. | ||
| These guys wanted to do what they wanted to do. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I remember there was this one dude. | ||
| It was really fascinating. | ||
| He learned how to play chess in his head in prison. | ||
| He could sit down with a chess board and he could either tell you the moves and he would watch your move. | ||
| He would never move a piece. | ||
| He would just tell you what the moves are. | ||
| Or he could do it all in his head. | ||
| Like you have a chessboard in your head, I have a chessboard in my head. | ||
| And I say pawn to the step. | ||
| And then you have to keep account of where all your pieces are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| agree. | ||
| Pawn is at this spot, right? | ||
| You know, you have to, like, you can't, without actually, without, no chessboard. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| These guys are brilliant. | ||
| See, this isn't a dumb guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is a guy that just didn't want to do certain things in life. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| He was gambling once, and it was late at night. | ||
| It was like after midnight. | ||
| And he goes, he looked at his watch, and they were going to play another set. | ||
| And he goes, do you want to play another set? | ||
| He goes... | ||
| I've been thinking about getting a fucking divorce lately, so yes. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| And he wound up getting a divorce. | ||
| He decided right there that he doesn't want anybody to tell him to come home after midnight. | ||
| And he's like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| I want to play pool. | ||
| I'm playing pool. | ||
| He was a brilliant dude. | ||
| There was a kid who was a local kid who was an actual chess champion. | ||
| Really young kid. | ||
| And he was just learning how to play pool. | ||
| But at chess, he was like a super wizard. | ||
| And him and this guy would sit in a corner and they would exchange back and forth. | ||
| They would go over their moves together. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Amazing to watch. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| They have a little picnic blanket, and they're both sitting there with a little picnic basket, just laying on their side, looking at each other, doing mind chess with each other. | ||
| The wind slowly blows their air. | ||
| I'm sure there's couples that do that, and they think it's sexy. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| But you said he learned that in prison? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I knew a lot of prisoners. | ||
| Or a lot of felons, rather. | ||
| That I knew. | ||
| There was very little crime that I saw, but I knew a lot of people who had done a lot of crime in the past. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| One dude, his name was International Sal. | ||
| And International Sal, rest his soul, died a few years ago. | ||
| And when he was younger, what he used to do is he was one of the first guys. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He was a gem of a human. | ||
| He was a gem of a human. | ||
| And for the first days of American Express cards, he figured out how to copy the American Express card from the papers that would be left behind when you would make a carbon slip. | ||
| So they would make a complete copy of your card and then use it and buy things and run up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fantastic. | |
| I love to sit like that. | ||
| And he was a notorious gambling loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| He just could not win. | ||
| He could not win. | ||
| And he would wait at the pool hall and they would come by and they would bring him thousands of dollars. | ||
| And he would go and blow it all playing pool. | ||
| Like the guy who I was talking about earlier about the heroin guy, this guy is George the Greek. | ||
| And George the Greek would always talk, the fucking guy can't win. | ||
| The guy can't fucking win, I'm telling you. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if it's an inch from the hole. | ||
| You bet on the other cocksucker. | ||
| You bet on... | ||
| And he would always, you know, just sit there and analyze this international style character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, well, let me tell you something, this motherfucker, he lost a million a month. | |
| Lost a million a month. | ||
| Whether that's true, who the fuck knows? | ||
| Who the fuck knows how much he really lost? | ||
| But apparently he lost an incredible amount of money playing pool. | ||
| And the people were like, you know, just robbed him. | ||
| They would just rob him constantly. | ||
| So then he went to jail. | ||
| Then he came back out and went legit. | ||
| And when I met him, he was legit. | ||
| So when I met him, it was all just the stories of international style. | ||
| But it was fascinating. | ||
| He would sit down and tell you What it was like. | ||
| International sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He has such a fucking degenerate name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's for like a gambler or like a mobster or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm Cole Sto'Brien. | ||
| I got to speak to him like a couple of years before he died. | ||
| I called up the pool hall once to say hi to everybody. | ||
| And he was still alive. | ||
| And I said hi to him. | ||
| I used to like the guy. | ||
| I used to like hanging out and talking to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tell me old criminal stories. | ||
| Because when I met him, he was already probably like in his 60s. | ||
| He was probably already... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I met a lot of crazy motherfuckers in that place. | ||
| Whenever you're in sort of an alternate environment like that. | ||
| Like comedy clubs? | ||
| Yeah, comedy clubs, exactly. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Derelict. | ||
| Parallel between people like that and comedy. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| And boxing gyms, too. | ||
| Anything where you're doing something that's completely outside of the norm. | ||
| Some of the funniest people I've ever met in my life have been fighters. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Because they're so ridiculous. | ||
| First of all, a lot of them are fucked. | ||
| Tate used to say some funny shit, man. | ||
| He was always saying some pretty funny shit. | ||
| Because he's a goddamn savage. | ||
| He's a former mixed martial arts fighter, big fucking giant caveman, Viking dude. | ||
| Stinky farts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stinky farts. | |
| Were they really? | ||
| Was he the one that ate meat all the time? | ||
| Yeah, protein bars and shit. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| No, he's a big dude. | ||
| You gotta eat a lot. | ||
| The digestive tract can only handle so much protein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It blows it out in the form of just toxic gas. | |
| But fighters have a certain sense of humor. | ||
| Much like comics do, where it's that dark, they're willing to go where other people aren't willing to go sense of humor. | ||
| You know, pointing out something that everybody might be thinking but not everybody's saying. | ||
| And don't really think before they say it kind of shit. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Very impulsive. | ||
| Well, you have to almost be to try to do that in the first place because it's such a crazy thing to decide to do with your body. | ||
| To put up with the physical torture of it. | ||
| To put yourself out there to get beaten. | ||
| There's a little bit of that too, but there's, you know... | ||
| Just the impulsiveness of just getting involved in it. | ||
| For some people it's actually a slow thing and they slowly get into it and get into martial arts and eventually want to be a fighter, but some people just fucking right away want to fight. | ||
| There's just a wild impulsiveness to them. | ||
| I've seen cage fights where guys had literally a week's training. | ||
| They had never done anything and they were fighting and they had a week's training and they just fucking go wild on each other and shit and swing and craziness and No one really knew how to fight. | ||
| It was essentially a street fight with a few rules. | ||
| Remember that show we saw was at Taboo where there was a place in Australia where a guy has a circus tent and he has like fighters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you about this on the Chronicles. | |
| Yeah? | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| Please keep going. | ||
| So you go into the circus tent in Australia and the drunks and people off the street come in and he sends you with a fighter. | ||
| And you can fight a professional fighter. | ||
| That's so dangerous. | ||
| But at the same time, kind of awesome and serves a function. | ||
| If you're just some angry, drunk 18-year-old boy who wants to fight, well, go over there instead of beating up. | ||
| It's not like a Cain Velasquez steps in. | ||
| They're like, this dude might kill you. | ||
| They're people that have... | ||
| They're boxing. | ||
| They're boxers that are... | ||
| What they are is they're not championship level boxers. | ||
| But it's only boxing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| And it's just boxing. | ||
| You throw on gloves. | ||
| And if you throw somebody that knows how to box, just has a few years of boxing, knows how to move and jab and actually box versus a guy who's like, I'm fucking crazy. | ||
| And you're just like, here's gloves, go at it. | ||
| That dude with the boxing skills is just going to put on a clinic. | ||
| And that's what they do. | ||
| And everyone's drinking. | ||
| It's like a fun episode. | ||
| They don't like... | ||
| But what if some guy's a ringer? | ||
| What if there's some Kimbo Slice type character? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Ready to fucking knock that dude's block off. | ||
| If anybody can get in, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Liability's got to be crazy. | ||
| We used to have those here. | ||
| This is... | ||
| 2012, man. | ||
| I'm like, dude, we just saw the show. | ||
| It's not like some shit I'm talking about from the 60s. | ||
| This is going on right now. | ||
| I fucking love Australia, dude. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Tommy and I had a great time there. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Country. | ||
| Nice people. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| Was that the Ice House Chronicles 2? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tommy and I went and we were there with Eddie Bravo and we went to see that stupid Leonardo DiCaprio movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shudder Island. | |
| He was crazy. | ||
| Which a lot of people liked. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I liked that fucking movie. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| That movie sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it called? | |
| Inception. | ||
| Shudder Island. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Shudder Island. | |
| I love Shudder Island too. | ||
| I thought it was pretty good. | ||
| You hold on for the twist and you're like, oh, so he is crazy? | ||
| Like the thing that we kept considering the whole time? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, he's crazy. | ||
| Maybe he's not crazy. | ||
| Maybe he's crazy. | ||
| And then they go, yeah, he was crazy. | ||
| It didn't make sense to me that you're showing me this, you know, you're showing me from his perspective first and then from an outside perspective. | ||
| I was wanting so much more from that movie. | ||
| There's a better version of it, I guess. | ||
| Meanwhile, I'm like, cabin in the woods, awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So we didn't like it. | ||
| Me and Eddie and Tom, we were all in agreement. | ||
| It felt like we got tricked. | ||
| It was a trick, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So we decided to get hammered. | ||
| So we went to some local bar and just went crazy. | ||
| We went fucking crazy. | ||
| We had just landed, so our body clocks were like a day off. | ||
| And we just started buying drinks for everybody. | ||
| There was like hundreds of people. | ||
| I don't know how much. | ||
| I literally spent thousands of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know how many people I bought drinks for. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But I wanted, like, I don't know what, I mean, we just had a couple of shots and the idea came across to just fucking, I could buy drinks for everybody. | ||
| Let me just, A bunch of fucking people drink. | ||
| So I just started pointing to people. | ||
| Do you want a drink, man? | ||
| Dude, give me a high five. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| You used to be at the comedy store every weekend back in the day almost. | ||
| Well, I would buy the whole crowd a drink if I kicked somebody out. | ||
| That was my move. | ||
| It happened almost every week. | ||
| Yeah, well, because there was always at least once a month you would get a crazy heckler. | ||
| Like someone who you just couldn't deal with. | ||
| You'd be like, come on, man. | ||
| You can't keep talking while the show's going on. | ||
| This shit is... | ||
| It's annoying to all the other people around you, and they all start cheering, and they go like, bro, I want you to enjoy the show. | ||
| I want you to enjoy the show. | ||
| You gotta stop yelling shit out, okay? | ||
| And then they'd yell shit out again. | ||
| All right, fuck this. | ||
| You gotta go. | ||
| And then when it got to that point, I'm like, I'm sorry, dude, but you gotta go. | ||
| And then when the people would leave, I would say, look, and that felt creepy, right? | ||
| It felt like daddy came home, yelled at mommy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I go, I don't want anything uncomfortable, so my custom is when I kick someone out, I buy everyone else a drink. | ||
| And so everybody goes, yay! | ||
| I go, I want to have fun. | ||
| I don't want to have to deal with that, but it's my job. | ||
| Unfortunately, when there's someone like that, you have to deal with them because it's interrupting the show for the other people. | ||
| It's fucking with the performance. | ||
| And there's nothing you can do about it other than address it. | ||
| You have to address it. | ||
| I think some people don't consider that aspect of it the most, too, is that A lot of times people think that that person's just bothering you, and they're not even considering the fact that maybe in that section where that asshole keeps yelling shit out, there are 25 people around him who are like, I wish somebody would get rid of this motherfucker because he's ruining my experience. | ||
| There was a couple of those in Florida. | ||
| There was several kickouts in Florida. | ||
| One of them was a cop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Turns out the chick was outside and they put her hands on her. | ||
| She pulled a badge out on the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, she said, get your hands off me. | ||
| And this bitch, she got kicked out for being hammered and she was a cop. | ||
| But there was several people that got kicked out. | ||
| One of them was a table that wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| So the neighbor table slammed his hand on the table and said, shut the fuck up. | ||
| And then the guy got up and he was enormous. | ||
| It was a huge mistake. | ||
| I mean, the guy didn't do anything, but holy shit, what I'm talking about. | ||
| He looked like a football player, like a 300-pound football player. | ||
| I was like, holy fuck, that guy's big. | ||
| And he's pointing down at them, and I'm like, oh, please, Lord. | ||
| Not a fucking bench-clearing brawl. | ||
| So I asked him, I said, sir, what's going on, sir? | ||
| Can you tell me what's going on, sir? | ||
| And I hear a lot of, fuck you! | ||
| You fucking touched my table! | ||
| And I'm like, sir, what happened? | ||
| Were you enjoying the show before all this happened? | ||
| And this lady goes, before these fucking assholes had a slap down on our table! | ||
| So they take her husband out, and I go, ma'am, we're going to need you to calm down. | ||
| Are you going to stay? | ||
| Are you going to arrest him? | ||
| Is that what's going to go on? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Are they just going to kick him out? | ||
| They just kicked him out, and then she said, you know, they were fucking slapping on me. | ||
| And then the table goes, yeah, we slapped on your table because you wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| And everybody went, yeah! | ||
| And the whole place started cheering for this guy, and I'm like, wow. | ||
| And I asked her, I go, have you ever done mushrooms? | ||
| And then I go, you probably haven't done mushrooms, right? | ||
| I go, because if you did, you'd feel terrible about this. | ||
| You'd realize you're just being real negative and selfish. | ||
| This is just creepy. | ||
| You want to talk and you're mad. | ||
| I go, you should feel horrible that you were so talkative that people had to slap their hand on your table because you're interrupting their fun, their evening, their good time with your squawking. | ||
| And then she gave me the finger. | ||
| And I said, well, that's really bad karma right there. | ||
| I go, what are you doing right here? | ||
| Karma. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I'm like, you're spreading the wrong kind of energy. | ||
| That's the wrong signal. | ||
| It's not nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| But it was just one of those things where you're going to run into a certain percentage of those people. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's part of the business. | ||
| It's fun though. | ||
| It's part of what... | ||
| Look, everybody got out of it. | ||
| No one got hurt. | ||
| People got drunk. | ||
| People got kicked out. | ||
| But at the end of the day, the rest of the audience had a great fucking time. | ||
| That was one of the nuttiest shows ever. | ||
| The one where the lady and the guy got kicked out. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen some wild ones, man. | ||
| I saw a guy in the audience one time punch another guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, I've seen a brawl. | ||
| I've seen a brawl or two. | ||
| During your show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like in the showroom? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen it a couple times. | ||
| I've seen guys get in fights. | ||
| It's almost always someone talking. | ||
| I saw a guy that punched the guy. | ||
| Punched him because they told him to shut up. | ||
| Oh, yeah, always. | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| Will you stop talking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| I love the punk rockness of stand-up. | ||
| It's the only form of entertainment where the audience is allowed to, first of all, eat nachos and drink and shit and then yell at you. | ||
| What other, in the theater, if we were proper performers, that could never happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If we were just stage actors and shit doing plays. | |
| You can't yell at people. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| It's not acceptable. | ||
| It's so bananas. | ||
| It's not acceptable. | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate this play, man. | |
| You're like, I know. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Did you see the YouTube video of the guy who's doing this performance art piece in New York and there was a big Christian contingent in the audience? | ||
| No. | ||
| You haven't seen this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I forget the dude's name. | ||
| I should probably YouTube it or something like that. | ||
| Christians Walk Out on... | ||
| I don't even know how I would YouTube it. | ||
| I don't even know how I would find it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you could find it, Brian, this Christian's walkout on live performance. | ||
| They poured water on his notes. | ||
| He was doing a bit, and in the bit, he was like, it's something to do with if you were having sex with Paris Hilton. | ||
| Like, in the moment, you'd be saying, you'd be fucking, you'd be going, wow, I can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton. | ||
| And then Paris Hilton would be thinking, I can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton at the same time. | ||
| It was really, you know, it was kind of funny. | ||
| And this guy gets up, and then they all get up. | ||
| There's like 80 people that were there from a Christian group, and they start pouring water on his notes. | ||
| And these were his original notes. | ||
| And this is, he doesn't have anything typed out. | ||
| He has it all, his whole show, written down on these notes. | ||
| This guy poured water on it, and it, you know, it's like they were... | ||
| They were pissed and storming out of there because they thought that somehow or another this was offensive. | ||
| How was this effective? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They tried to grab his notes too. | ||
| They're just big Paris Hilton fans? | ||
| No! | ||
| I just think that it was the idea of them, someone talking about fucking in front of them. | ||
| They're a bunch of creepy weirdos is really basically what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, look, the whole idea of these Christian groups and, you know, you're going to go up and pour water on someone's notes and you're going to be upset at them for their words. | ||
| You stupid fuck. | ||
| That's anti-Christian, you dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's absolutely the antithesis of what you're supposed to be doing. | ||
| I heard people get upset about stuff when they yell at you. | ||
| I love when they're just so upset about a certain topic or joke and they're like, I remember with you one time, I don't know, is this on your last special, with the baby? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The baby... | ||
| I don't think it's doing that. | ||
| Which bit? | ||
| Was it the kids getting... | ||
| Oh, if I walked in on a little... | ||
| No, that's never been on any special. | ||
| Is that coming on this one? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't been doing it. | ||
| I think that bit might have passed its time. | ||
| Sometimes I have bits that just pass their time. | ||
| But people get upset. | ||
| They're like, how dare you? | ||
| That's a five-year-old boy or whatever. | ||
| You know what I'm going to do with that bit, man? | ||
| I'm going to use that bit as a fucking bonus extra. | ||
| Yeah, I always liked it a bit. | ||
| It got me a little hard. | ||
| You know what it did? | ||
| I didn't do it well in Ohio to the special. | ||
| It was like something was off and I decided to get it out. | ||
| Yeah, people get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like when they get a righteous indignation. | |
| I talk about some guy that's fucking a dolphin. | ||
| He was on the Howard Stern show and he was having sex with his dolphin regularly. | ||
| I didn't fucking make it up. | ||
| I'm just reporting it and people are like... | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| It's like, really? | ||
| You don't think in the world that this exists as a grown-up topic? | ||
| You know, it's just right now, you haven't really quite gotten your full stride as far as people recognizing how funny you are and having your own crowd. | ||
| I'm sure your podcast has changed a lot of it, right? | ||
| It's helped. | ||
| It's definitely helped. | ||
| And by the way, folks, the podcast is called Your Mom's House. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why is it called Your Mom's House? | ||
| We're obsessed with that whole phenomenon of calling each other mommy. | ||
| What's the worst thing you could call your spouse? | ||
| It's like mommy. | ||
| And we started doing it in 07 or 08 and it just stuck. | ||
| It's just part of our vernacular in the house. | ||
| I'm going out to the store. | ||
| I'll be back, mommy. | ||
| It's just stupid to say, like silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So dumb. | |
| And then I always thought that your mom jokes were dumb, so I thought it would be fun. | ||
| It's just juvenile. | ||
| Yeah, it's just juvenile. | ||
| We're real juvenile. | ||
| The whole show is juvenile. | ||
| So just to say, your mom's house. | ||
| It's like, where are you going? | ||
| I'm going to your mom's house. | ||
| It's just silly to say. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| But that's what amuses me, is that it's silly. | ||
| Well, you guys are both very silly. | ||
| You're my favorite married couple that are comedians, because you're the only ones that are still together. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Everybody else I know, they drop like flies. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I don't know many others. | ||
| Well, you know, in our business, do you guys want some more of this? | ||
| Not baby powder. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| In our business, there's a lot of us that are fucked in the head. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I mean, this job, it's almost a given that there's going to be a certain amount of You're fucked in the head if you want to become a comedian. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| And so then to find someone who's got the right kind of fucked in your head that meshes with your kind of fucked in the head is what it's all about. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's the best way to break it down. | ||
| Yeah, but it's all... | ||
| Like, fucked in the head, people think is bad, but it's not bad. | ||
| If it wasn't for all of my fucked in the heads, I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because most of my impulses are to do things that are fucking completely risky, really have a fucking terrible future success ratio. | ||
| Really, no chance you're going to fucking get by. | ||
| If you had a kid and he said, hey, Dad, I'm thinking about being a stand-up, you'd be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Especially if he wasn't funny. | ||
| That, exactly. | ||
| That's how my mom treated it when I told her I was going to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I dropped out of law school to be a comic after two weeks. | |
| Imagine that. | ||
| And my parents are immigrants who escaped from Hungary to come here. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So, like, the double. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it is that we met. | ||
| Like, we talk about that, like, who else would tolerate what you say, you know? | ||
| Yeah, because we're very inappropriate by normal people, whatever, standards, outside of comedy world people. | ||
| Yeah, I was talking with Amy Schumer about this. | ||
| We're sitting down and she said something about her mom, like what her mom was made of. | ||
| And somehow or another I got to asking her whether or not her mom was a cunt or insinuating her mom was a cunt. | ||
| And I was like, it's so fun that you know with comedians you can do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and it's fine. | |
| My mom is a cunt. | ||
| You know, you can say that. | ||
| But if you say that to a lot of regular people, they're like, fuck you, man. | ||
| That's my mom. | ||
| Bro, that's not cool. | ||
| You know, we say that to each other. | ||
| That's the dude. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His name is Mike Daisy. | ||
| Audience protest on YouTube. | ||
| Look how badass Brian is. | ||
| How did you not win the Shorty Award, dude? | ||
| Because it's not real. | ||
| Do you want to hear it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the moment. | |
| Because you're thinking about what that moment signifies. | ||
| And Paris Hilton, what's Paris Hilton thinking? | ||
| Paris Hilton is thinking, oh my god, oh my god, I'm Paris Hilton. | ||
| That was the punchline that I had already gave away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's New York. | |
| Now they get up. | ||
| So he's sitting there. | ||
| He's got this changed look on his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big a group is getting up? | |
| I think it's like 40 people or something like that. | ||
| It was like the first time his show had sold out. | ||
| And now he doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| He's sitting there. | ||
| They're getting up. | ||
| And then one guy takes his water and he starts pouring it on the notes. | ||
| So Christian-like. | ||
| And then he shoves the water bottle in Mike's glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, he just got up and fucked with them. | ||
| And they said they're leaving because of the language. | ||
| That's the producer. | ||
| And so he tries to talk to them. | ||
| He gets up, and all these people are filing out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, do any of you people who are leaving want to stay and talk about this, or do you want to run out like cowards? | |
| Do you want to talk about this like adults that you came to my show to see, or do you want to walk out like cowards? | ||
| Because I can refrain from using language when talking to you, but I'd like you to use the English language to talk to me. | ||
| You insulted my show. | ||
| You poured water on my art. | ||
| You messed up my things here. | ||
| Do you all intend to just walk out of here? | ||
| Hey, ma'am, you appear to be an adult. | ||
| Would you like to stay and talk about this? | ||
| Okay, so then he gets back and he kind of like, he takes it really well. | ||
| He comes back and sits down and then starts joking around about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you guys leaving? | |
| Is there anyone that would like to speak to what? | ||
| Ma'am, please take a message back to your people. | ||
| People of Earth. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Go into my face! | ||
| You disgust me. | ||
| Get out of my theater. | ||
| We're going to stay, stay. | ||
| I can't believe none of you, none of you would have the guts to stay here and talk to me. | ||
| That guy doesn't sound gay. | ||
| Jesus, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you with this group? | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, we don't have to. | ||
| We're talking already. | ||
| But the point is, just like your shows, a lot of people, they don't know exactly what you're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| They're coming to a comedy show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just whatever. | |
| Yeah, whatever's there. | ||
| But you wouldn't do that to a movie. | ||
| What's playing at the movie theater? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'll pay money and two drinks and everything. | ||
| Assholes would. | ||
| Yeah, assholes would. | ||
| They would yell out at the movie theater too. | ||
| The crazy thing about when they go to comedy is when they assume that the show and the comedy should be presented to their tastes. | ||
| Otherwise, when they're like, yeah, but I'm not into this. | ||
| It's like, this isn't for you. | ||
| I had a lady yell out next subject once at the Next subject. | ||
| I think she even said drop it. | ||
| Next subject. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I've had that when they go, like, move it along. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Let's get past this. | ||
| It was my cloning Jesus bit. | ||
| There was a company called, I forget what it was. | ||
| It turned out to be a parody. | ||
| Oh, the Second Coming Project. | ||
| That's what the idea was. | ||
| The idea was they're going to take genetic material off of the Shroud of Turin and they were going to use it to clone Jesus. | ||
| And then my joke was like, that stuff, first of all, is not 100% accurate. | ||
| Like Dolly the Sheep, they had to clone a bunch of Dollies before they got one that would live. | ||
| I go, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back retarded? | ||
| I go, what happens then? | ||
| And I go, dude, what do you want to do? | ||
| It's your call. | ||
| I go, I say we follow him. | ||
| It could be a test. | ||
| It feels like a test to me. | ||
| Instead of turning water into wine, he would turn dog shit into cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was his move. | |
| I like that Jesus. | ||
| I had this bed and I was in the middle of doing it and this fucking chick just goes, she just goes, next subject! | ||
| Next subject! | ||
| But people feel like if you're, especially if you're saying something about religion, which even though to the rational person it really is kind of silly to be connected inexorably to some ideology, who's ringing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my. | |
| It's probably the most unprofessional person in the room. | ||
| It's probably me, then. | ||
| I thought it was Tommy. | ||
| Why am I so unprofessional? | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you, seven-year-old type man. | |
| Hey, so I got a new game for you guys to play. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Try to not flush the toilet as long as possible. | ||
| So you have to stack your shit on hers, vice versa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I call it Fleshless in Seattle. | |
| Just try it and see if you can go three days. | ||
| That's my cutoff. | ||
| Tommy wins after one performance. | ||
| I'm sorry about that. | ||
| My apologies for the phone ringing. | ||
| What the hell were we talking about? | ||
| I shut the other phone off, didn't I? Hopefully. | ||
| You're talking about... | ||
| Jesus bits. | ||
| Oh, next bit. | ||
| People freaking out. | ||
| Yeah, it's just a, you know, especially what I was saying is when it's a religious thing. | ||
| Like, people really feel like this is something you are not allowed to talk about. | ||
| You know, this is my religion. | ||
| It's funny when they say that. | ||
| You shouldn't talk about politics or religion. | ||
| Those are two things you should avoid. | ||
| Well, there's only a couple left for me to find out if you're crazy. | ||
| What do you think about ghosts? | ||
| You ever see a UFO? There's only a couple more things I have left for me to find out if you're fucking crazy. | ||
| Once you get through politics, as soon as you go, well, I've always been a Republican. | ||
| I'm going to stick with the party. | ||
| I think the party line is absolutely right. | ||
| And sometimes we go a little off track. | ||
| Oh, you crazy asshole. | ||
| So if I can't talk politics with that guy... | ||
| We're going to talk Bigfoot. | ||
| We're going to talk Sasquatch. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, people get really fired up. | ||
| They get fucking mad, man. | ||
| They feel like they're allowed to get mad, too. | ||
| It's not like if they disagree with you. | ||
| They take pride in getting mad about it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Well, it's righteous. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's righteous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To be offended. | |
| Even to the point of finding an excuse to commit violence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, that guy only poured water on the notes. | ||
| But I mean, how close... | ||
| You pour water on some dude's notes, and they're going to fucking throw a water bottle at you, and you might hit them, and it might turn into some physical altercation. | ||
| You can't pour water on someone's fucking notes because you don't like what they're saying. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Complete douchebag move. | ||
| Unless the guy's notes are all a bunch of lies about you or something and you're mad. | ||
| But if it's about Paris Hilton, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| That's what you're picking your battles right there? | ||
| So this was not like a protest to go to this show. | ||
| This was actually a group that went to a show. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we're like, we don't like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, he says the F word. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then these grown-ups can't handle hearing fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of show? | |
| Is he on Broadway or some shit? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's in New York. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's in New York. | ||
| That's so nuts, man. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| I don't want to hear the F word. | ||
| The way he handled it was really interesting too. | ||
| He was much more offended than I think a comedian would be in the same situation. | ||
| It's like they came to his show and they fucked up his whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, we're just used to being fucked with. | ||
| It's just par for the course. | ||
| Friday Late Show, let's do it. | ||
| Friday Late Show is always the most brutal, right? | ||
| Everyone's hammered. | ||
| Everyone's tired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah, and you don't go when they're leaving. | ||
| You don't go like, does anyone want to stay and discuss this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just like, get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. | |
| I'm not even selling merch. | ||
| Yeah, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Those are brutal shows. | ||
| How about the late show, Saturday, when you have to do three? | ||
| That's a nightmare. | ||
| I gave up on those the moment I could. | ||
| I remember I'd get those calls. | ||
| No third show on Saturday? | ||
| No, no third show. | ||
| Last time you were here, we did a third show on Saturday. | ||
| It was pretty successful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| For you. | ||
| Not for my fucking soul. | ||
| Not for my soul. | ||
| Quick comedy after that. | ||
| How many people are asleep at those shows? | ||
| Like, literally asleep. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, sitting there drunk to the point of just complete incoherence. | ||
| You're doing that third show. | ||
| Oh, it was a brutal. | ||
| You kind of feel like... | ||
| If this were a 15 minute show, this wouldn't be that bad. | ||
| They're still into it. | ||
| That's about the attention. | ||
| The headline spot's brutal. | ||
| The road starts to turn. | ||
| Sometimes you'll see your feature have a great set. | ||
| And then you get up there and you're like 10-15 minutes in and you're like, this shit's starting to change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a wall that you hit at like 20 and you can just see their face glaze. | |
| Yeah, you should almost cut it short. | ||
| That wall matches the amount of shots that have been poured in that room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You start to feel like, oh, shit. | ||
| Midnight show, you should cut short. | ||
| I would say do like a 45-minute set or a 40-minute set at the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you've got to do a midnight show. | ||
| But those fucking shows, the good thing about it, like Ari Shaffir and I were talking about... | ||
| The opening spot. | ||
| One of the things that makes you really powerful is doing an opening spot where you have to go on first. | ||
| The crowd's not warmed up at all. | ||
| Doing that makes you really fucking focus and lock in quickly. | ||
| You can't just coast on the energy that's already been on stage before you. | ||
| When people do well and they go on before you, you can just ride their energy. | ||
| Just go up there and coast. | ||
| But to open up, it really strengthens your act. | ||
| I remember I watched you do it a bunch of times when we went on the road, and I could see you setting up right away. | ||
| You want to make sure that you come out of the gate strong, confident, hit them with some good shit right away. | ||
| Try to, yeah. | ||
| It's a tricky little first moment. | ||
| The first moment they see you up there. | ||
| I'm like, hmm, how's this going to go? | ||
| It's so important, though, to try to do it right, right away. | ||
| You get them on board immediately, and then you get your own wave. | ||
| It's super strong for your act. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You really learn how to develop weapons, like an opening weapon. | ||
| I just know this one's going to fucking kick them right in the dick. | ||
| That's why I love black audiences. | ||
| I did Cleveland and there's so many black people and I love them. | ||
| They're my favorite because if they smell your fear, you're fucked. | ||
| If they even sense for a minute that you hesitate or that you're afraid of them, the whole energy shifts. | ||
| But if they like you and they see that you don't give a fuck about what they think of you, you're good. | ||
| Yeah, I did a lot of black clubs in Boston. | ||
| Did a lot of shit in Mattapan. | ||
| And there was a dude who booked these really good clubs. | ||
| They were really good clubs, but it was all black crowds. | ||
| And it paid better than the white shows. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was fascinating, man, watching. | ||
| One guy couldn't do his room because he had a strict censorship policy. | ||
| Very strict. | ||
| He would give the comics a speech before the show. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| My friend John worked there. | ||
| He goes, no motherfuckers. | ||
| No motherfuckers. | ||
| He goes, no bitch, okay? | ||
| That's a lady. | ||
| And he goes, you don't say, oh, that bitch had a big ass. | ||
| You say, that woman had a wide behind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| He actually said that. | ||
| You don't say, that girl had a big ass. | ||
| She had a wide behind. | ||
| And they made people do really clean, censored comedy. | ||
| But it was one of the best rooms. | ||
| It was one of the rooms where I wish that I did clean comedy. | ||
| Because you could fucking crush that room. | ||
| They laughed hard. | ||
| It was one of the first times I ever saw Reggie McFadden, too. | ||
| Reggie McFadden, who's one of those guys that I never understood why Reggie McFadden never became fucking huge. | ||
| The Reggie McFadden that I knew from like 1990-ish, 1991, I was convinced that that kid was going to be like one of the top stand-up comedians in the country. | ||
| And one of the places I saw him was at the Champagne Comedy Club. | ||
| No motherfuckers. | ||
| No motherfuckers. | ||
| You can't say bitch. | ||
| That's a lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lady. | |
| That bitch had a big ass. | ||
| She had a wide behind. | ||
| Yeah, you have to say that. | ||
| He had very strict rules. | ||
| God, thank God you don't have to be a clean comic these days, huh? | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| That shit's over. | ||
| Well, you know, what people don't understand is that everybody sort of got the idea that clean comedy was smart comedy because of television. | ||
| You know, the only reason why you had to have things clean on television is because you didn't want to offend the advertisers. | ||
| It's really simple. | ||
| So everybody basically became a bitch to the advertisers. | ||
| The advertisers don't want you talking about overthrowing the government. | ||
| That's why they censored Hicks' shit when Hicks was on CBS. You can't show tits and boobs and smoking weed. | ||
| You can't show smoking weed. | ||
| You can't show a lot of things. | ||
| Advertisers, they want to be able to sell to the most amount of people possible. | ||
| There's no artistic integrity or the right to opinion. | ||
| All that stuff's out the window when you're selling shit. | ||
| Well, that's interesting. | ||
| That kind of explains why TV sets are still sort of middle of the road. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| In terms of late night sets. | ||
| They censor the shit out of your set. | ||
| There's very few really edgy topics you could get away with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're doing a Letterman set. | ||
| That's not what it's for. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| But I don't think it's a more clever way of doing comedy. | ||
| I've always found that to put shackles on yourself as a writing exercise, I absolutely agree with. | ||
| I like to do that. | ||
| That's one of the things I like about Twitter, is the 140-character limit. | ||
| I think it actually helps my writing, like little zingers, little quick lines. | ||
| But I think to try to put... | ||
| It's hard to figure out how to do comedy and do it the most effective way with the least amount of extra words. | ||
| You ever watch a guy talk on stage and you go, get to the fucking point. | ||
| The jokes are really funny, but the setup is too clunky. | ||
| There's too much words there. | ||
| But then you watch a guy like Joey Diaz and one of the art forms that is Joey is Joey uses the least amount of words possible for the most impact. | ||
| He's brilliant at that. | ||
| That's a great formula. | ||
| The thing that I see people, like younger comics, I think screw up with the most is not saying, they don't have a clear view of what their point is. | ||
| In other words, they have their joke, but if you make the setup and the point that you're making up front clear, your joke will be more effective about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they talk around their point. | ||
| The premise. | ||
| Yeah, the premise is like, you're like, I think you're saying this. | ||
| And they have a joke, and they're like, I wonder why that joke doesn't go over that. | ||
| A big part of it is listening to your recordings. | ||
| I should do that, man. | ||
| It's fucking huge. | ||
| I hate hearing my own voice so much. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but you gotta do it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do you have an iPhone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, do you have that voice notes thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Do you record your sets? | ||
| I've done it once or twice. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I have to set it back and listen to it. | ||
| I do all the time. | ||
| I listen to it all the time. | ||
| And it helps me a lot because if I take like a week off, I'll just listen to like four or five sets in a row and it's like I'm right back in groove. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that a week off is like a month off? | ||
| I don't like taking a week off. | ||
| I like to do at least one set a week if I'm in the warm-up stages. | ||
| But because I'm doing this thing in Atlanta, I did Fort Lauderdale for a week, and then I was here for a week, and then before that we were in Louisville for a week. | ||
| So it was like... | ||
| You get in comedy shape. | ||
| You get used to banging it out. | ||
| I don't like taking a week off. | ||
| I've taken more than a month off before. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| The most I've ever taken off in 10 years is about just under a month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People don't understand. | ||
| There's a certain amount of conditioning that's necessary to be a comedian. | ||
| It's like a certain amount of getting used to it and doing it all the time. | ||
| It's almost like radiation. | ||
| You've got to fucking build up a tolerance for it or something. | ||
| The poison. | ||
| Which is a terrible analogy, because you can't build up a tolerance for radiation. | ||
| But it is very momentum-based. | ||
| It's venom. | ||
| You carry that momentum. | ||
| If you're doing it a lot, and you go tape your thing, it's like, you've been doing it. | ||
| If you take weeks off, and you go try to do something, you're like, I was fucking off. | ||
| Well, when we worked together... | ||
| We did that Maxim Comedy thing in Phoenix the first time we worked together. | ||
| And me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron had been doing these dates all over the country. | ||
| We did like 22 shows in a row. | ||
| So we were just on fire. | ||
| And so what a great feeling that is when you're doing that many sets and you just go out there and fucking level it. | ||
| You have it so tweaked. | ||
| You have it so, like, you know exactly your beats and you figure it out that you can add something here and change something here. | ||
| That was a fun time. | ||
| And that's where I realized what size balls Charlie Murphy has. | ||
| Charlie Murphy has gigantic balls. | ||
| Literally? | ||
| Like big balls. | ||
| We always put them out and put them on our foreheads. | ||
| Take pictures, holds a hostage. | ||
| No, he was like headlining, dude. | ||
| He'd only been doing comedy for like two years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| He was headlining and doing an hour, and he'd only been doing comedy for two years. | ||
| He has massive balls, that guy. | ||
| He just basically took an opportunity. | ||
| He got on the Chappelle show. | ||
| He was basically an actor before that. | ||
| Took that opportunity, started doing these little things where he would host things, and then people started giving him money to headline, and next thing you know, he's a fucking professional comedian, and now he's headlining all over the world. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That's balls. | ||
| I mean, he was in his 40s when that all happened. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Could you imagine starting in your 40s? | ||
| I couldn't imagine. | ||
| That seems so bananas to me. | ||
| I fucking loved hanging out with him, though. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| Loved hanging out with him on the road. | ||
| Remember how much fun Charlie was? | ||
| Charlie Murphy and Rich? | ||
| I went to dinner with them one of those nights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah? | |
| They took me to dinner. | ||
| Couldn't have been nicer. | ||
| He had me pissing my pants. | ||
| Just the stories. | ||
| Talking about fucking hanging out with Mike Tyson. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That story that he told on the podcast about the lion. | ||
| Did you ever hear that story he told? | ||
| Didn't someone animate that shit? | ||
| I feel like somebody animated the story. | ||
| Maybe I'm getting confused. | ||
| A story about somebody disrespected him in front of his dad. | ||
| He got so enraged. | ||
| The way he told the story, you weren't like, wow, that's some serious shit. | ||
| I was just fucking crying, laughing about how upset he got. | ||
| There's a reason those true Hollywood stories are so funny. | ||
| His way of telling a story is just, you know what I mean? | ||
| His diction and the cadence and the way he paints a picture. | ||
| That dude's just naturally funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's the Joe Rogan Experience, Mike Tyson, YouTube. | ||
| He was on our podcast when we talked about it, dude. | ||
| If you go to the Joe Road Experience, Mike Tyson, he talks about Mike. | ||
| He visited Mike Tyson over his house and somebody animated it. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He has great diction. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| I see Mike come around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Mike. | ||
| It was really weird because we didn't know him at all. | ||
| And then next thing you know, a month, every single day, we were hanging out with him. | ||
| Couldn't have been better. | ||
| Couldn't have been a different city. | ||
| That was exhausting. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was the most confusing time ever, though. | ||
| We didn't know where we were. | ||
| We would wake up. | ||
| We didn't know where we were. | ||
| You guys don't see us? | ||
| Tour buses and shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| We were supposed to have a tour bus, but the tour bus ripped us off. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They scammed you. | ||
| Yeah, they scammed us. | ||
| They had an address, and we drove to where the address was, and it was literally an abandoned lot. | ||
| They scammed Sussman. | ||
| Yeah, see, this is it, buddy. | ||
| This is the animation where he's talking about Mike Tyson. | ||
| Oh, that's weird. | ||
| I've not seen that. | ||
| Yeah, if you can find that, folks, if you're interested in it, I'll tweet it later tonight. | ||
| Oh, and I told you to ask him. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, you texted me. | ||
| I was like, you've got to ask him about Johnny Gill. | ||
| He's hanging out with Johnny Gill. | ||
| And Johnny Gill's like, I could fuck up Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I'm going to tell Oscar that shit. | |
| That's right. | ||
| Well, Charlie was an old school karate guy. | ||
| Charlie Murphy was an old school karate guy. | ||
| He was doing karate from the time he was a young kid. | ||
| So me and him had a lot of karate stories and martial arts stories. | ||
| He's a huge martial arts aficionado. | ||
| When he sees you, he'll go, Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He knows, everybody that knows something about fighting, you know, it's funny, like, when somebody who says, like, I could whoop that guy's ass, and you're talking about, like, a professional fighter? | ||
| Oh, it's so, it's a horrible thing to watch, but I've heard it, I've heard it come out of many a guy's mouth. | ||
| Many a dumb guy's mouth. | ||
| They talk about, bro, all I have to do is hit him once. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Uriah Faber, he fights at 135 pounds. | ||
| And if you're like some regular dude and you're 6'3 and you weigh 230 pounds, that little dude's going to fuck you up. | ||
| He's going to fuck you up. | ||
| He's going to be doing things to you that you don't even know what he's doing before he's doing them. | ||
| And it'll be too late. | ||
| And if he gets a hold of your neck, you're going to sleep. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you weigh 300 pounds. | ||
| If Uriah Faber can get a real guillotine around your neck, night, night, night, night, you go sleep. | ||
| It's not that hard to cut off the blood to the brain. | ||
| You know, you just pinch those arteries together, and if you have a good grip, and Uriah does, if he can hang on and keep that guy from prying him off for just 15 seconds, I bet he can do that. | ||
| I bet he puts that guy to sleep. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of dudes out there that are professional fighters, and I bet they get disrespected occasionally, occasionally by dummies. | ||
| But for the most part, I think people are pretty cool about it. | ||
| Well, the thing was, the whole reason we were talking about that story about Johnny Gill and Oscar De La Hoya was because people would say it about Oscar more because he had the pretty boy image. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, yeah, that pretty boy could fuck you up, dude. | |
| Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| Man, I met Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| He's like this tiny guy. | ||
| He's like real super sweet and friendly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Manny Pacquiao will fuck you up, man. | ||
| Totally, you know? | ||
| And it would happen faster than you could get your hands up. | ||
| Like, it would be over before you positioned yourself for your first part. | ||
| Margarito. | ||
| He broke both his eye sockets. | ||
| So fast, so strong. | ||
| How do you heal that? | ||
| You'd go to surgery. | ||
| He had an artificial implant in one of his lenses. | ||
| One of his lenses apparently got damaged in the fight too. | ||
| His eye completely swole up. | ||
| One of them was just really fucked up. | ||
| And apparently just Manny Pacquiao just tuned his face up. | ||
| And what's really crazy is like earlier in the fight, like he was saying to his coroner, man, he's got no power. | ||
| He's got no power. | ||
| I don't know if Manny baited him in. | ||
| Maybe Manny played Pity Pat with his face a little bit and then started landing some bombs on him. | ||
| But you're just dealing with a guy. | ||
| There's that level, that Manny Pacquiao level, Floyd Mayweather level. | ||
| They're masters. | ||
| Juan Manuel Marquez. | ||
| Super elite. | ||
| Masters of boxing. | ||
| And it's so fun to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's so fun to watch. | ||
| I've been going to this boxing gym, and there's this junior Olympian who does his sparring there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then I'm sitting there after, like, basically a class, and the sparring is going on, and they're rotating people in. | ||
| And they send in this kid who's really fucking moving. | ||
| He's landing stuff. | ||
| He's getting hit, too. | ||
| But I'm like, this kid's good. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, he's been doing it for eight years. | ||
| And I was like, well, how old is he? | ||
| And, like, he just turned 15. And I was like, that kid can fucking kill me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Sophomore in high school could kill me. | ||
| He's just watching him move. | ||
| They're fearless when they're that young. | ||
| There was a kid that used to come to our jiu-jitsu school and his dad used to bring him in when he was in high school. | ||
| He was being partially homeschooled, partially tutored by different people, but his dad was real attentive. | ||
| His dad would bring him into high school and this kid was an assassin. | ||
| He was an assassin. | ||
| He was 15 years old. | ||
| And I was a grown man, and I outweighed him by like 50 pounds. | ||
| And when we would go at it, I'd have to watch my fucking P's and Q's. | ||
| Because that kid was looking to put me to sleep. | ||
| We would go to war. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| I would have to wrestle a little rascal before I could get a grip on him. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| Scary! | ||
| 15-year-olds, man, they go, no... | ||
| And that's what he was into. | ||
| He was into jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I mean, he's amazing at it now. | ||
| I mean, he was into jujitsu. | ||
| He was into choking the shit out of people. | ||
| That's what he was concentrating all his time on. | ||
| When you're a kid, too, and you find one thing that you're really fucking good at, and that feeling of being really good at something is so fucking nice for kids. | ||
| Especially, I don't know if it goes both ways, but especially when you're a 15-year-old boy, and you're looking for that direction and approval, and you find an activity that you get told you're good at, and you focus on that. | ||
| Also, when you do something and it's hard to do, and then you do it, you go, oh, I did that. | ||
| I went through something, I had doubts, it was hard to do, but I did it. | ||
| Now I can probably do something else. | ||
| It gives you this feeling that you can just attempt things and accomplish things. | ||
| I mean, occasionally I think about what it would be like to own a restaurant. | ||
| Not that I want to own a restaurant. | ||
| I absolutely don't. | ||
| And I watch one of these TV shows on restaurants, like Anthony Bourdain's show or something like that, when you're dealing with these guys who are working 16 hours a day, and the preparation of food, and the going to the market, and gathering up all the ingredients, and creating the menus, and it is their life. | ||
| And you stop and you think about it, like, could you do that? | ||
| Do you think the amount of fucking... | ||
| I'm absolutely positive I could do it if I was so obsessed. | ||
| If I was obsessed in that way to do it. | ||
| But everybody's got their own little whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| I don't know if everybody does. | ||
| I hear some people don't. | ||
| You have to put so much time and energy into stand-up, into being a comedian. | ||
| But that's because we love it. | ||
| You're always thinking about things and material and this and that. | ||
| But with food, no. | ||
| Do you ever do things, like, on purpose, hoping that it'll be funny? | ||
| Like, go places, like, okay, this, I'll probably get some material out of this. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, totally, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the longer you do it, too, the more you feel like, you know, if I try this thing right now and it doesn't work out, like, it's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I know how to get back on the horse from here. | ||
| So, like, you take more risk, I think, the longer you've been doing it, right? | ||
| Like, I feel like... | ||
| If I bring up some shit right now and this fucking fails horribly because I don't know what jokes I'm going to say. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm going to see what happens. | ||
| I could still recover from this show and just be like, oh, that was some weird shit. | ||
| It didn't work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then sometimes you get a good joke out of it, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Just by trying it. | ||
| But I wouldn't have tried that five years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, sometimes I'll go down dark roads on stage just to see where my fucking head pulls me out. | ||
| Like, if maybe some way there's a way that I can rescue myself. | ||
| You know, but in life, I definitely have done a bunch of things. | ||
| Like, when I moved to Colorado, one of the things I was thinking, I was like, damn, I'm going to get a lot of material out of this. | ||
| You know, that was 100%. | ||
| And I did, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| The wrong way, but, you know, it's still... | ||
| It was, you know, like an exercise in doing something to... | ||
| So, like, I'm putting my new special out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're filming it next Friday, so I'm thinking, man, I'm going to have to do some fucking serious writing over the next couple months. | ||
| We're filming it tomorrow, this Friday. | ||
| Friday, yeah, this Friday. | ||
| Oh, I thought you said next Friday. | ||
| Well, yeah, the one that's coming up next. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Next Friday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This Friday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should I say this Friday? | |
| I thought next Friday was the... | ||
| Yeah, no, you're right, really. | ||
| I shouldn't say next Friday, but I mean... | ||
| We're leaving in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, tomorrow. | ||
| We leave tomorrow morning. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's really exciting, man. | ||
| That's really exciting. | ||
| I'm fired up. | ||
| Tabernacle, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm fired up, too, to do it in Atlanta, because I haven't been in Atlanta in forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Atlanta. | |
| It's been a long time. | ||
| Yeah, it's perfect, because it's all new shit. | ||
| All the stuff that I did before, it's from my talking monkeys in space. | ||
| So this is a completely new hour and a half, so I'm fucking fired up. | ||
| That's rad, man. | ||
| I'm so excited. | ||
| Atlanta's got great fucking food, too. | ||
| I want to take a bite out of a peach while we're down there. | ||
| What are you talking about, girls? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, look at them. | ||
| Sexy, sultry, cuddly. | ||
| A lot of peaches down there. | ||
| What was it like working with Brian at Death Squad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This man-child before me. | |
| Brian, Brian, what is going on in your head? | ||
| I always think about that. | ||
| What is going on in my head? | ||
| It's a different kind of a dude. | ||
| It's a numbers game. | ||
| He's a different kind of dude. | ||
| You gotta accept that there's this too. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| And also, there's Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I miss you guys. | ||
| You're one of the very few podcasts that I still listen to, and I even still, I haven't listened to every single one. | ||
| Are you guys still enjoying doing the podcast? | ||
| Do you like it now, like doing it from home, or are you realizing, oh shit, it's a lot of work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, it's better. | |
| It is both. | ||
| It's both. | ||
| Do you edit it yourself? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, look, for somebody who's not into having or knowing what they're doing, it was a task. | ||
| It was harder than I thought just to figure it out, but I figured it out after... | ||
| The first one we put up was a disaster. | ||
| Disaster. | ||
| And then... | ||
| But then, you know, by the next one... | ||
| I was so happy, by the way. | ||
| I was just fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I told you so. | ||
| Yeah, terrible. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| No, there were people, there was plenty of those tweets. | ||
| Shouldn't have left, bro. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, they think they were not friends or something. | ||
| Yeah, but people think that it was like, well, we don't like each other. | ||
| Your last episode of Death Squad was kind of funny because I kind of jokingly was acting like really, like, bitchy. | ||
| Do you know what people also thought was serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That when you were like, you know, maybe this will end up on, like, the show, like, Death Squad might end up on TV. And I was like, hold on, we don't want to leave yet. | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| I was joking. | ||
| They were like, you showed your true colors when you said you wanted to stay. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, by the way, we're in talks right now with HBO. Just so you know, we had our second meeting today. | ||
| And he goes, wait, wait, we're just kidding. | ||
| No, we want to stay here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they thought we were serious when I said we want to stay now. | |
| And they were like, you showed what kind of person you are when you said you wanted to stay now. | ||
| Yeah, you did show your true colors, Tom. | ||
| No, but I figured it out, dude. | ||
| I figured out the audio, I should say. | ||
| I haven't figured out the video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The video's rough. | |
| The audio, we figured out, and it is actually... | ||
| We can do when we... | ||
| It's still work, but we can do two a week. | ||
| We've tried to do, as often as we can, two a week. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we do it all. | ||
| We have a little room that has the board and mics and cameras that aren't hooked up yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| You guys are working. | ||
| You're like a team, too. | ||
| We are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're a little duo. | |
| Yeah, and it's good because it works for our schedules. | ||
| If we're both home for like 48 hours, we can crank out a couple. | ||
| It's easier to walk to our second room than to try to schedule something. | ||
| So that part was true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It works out better. | ||
| Your podcast is one of the very few that actually is a husband and wife that's actually listenable. | ||
| That formula never really works. | ||
| It works for me. | ||
| There's a couple here and there that kind of are okay. | ||
| But for the most part, when I hear husband and wife, I just want to fucking shoot myself in the balls. | ||
| It is true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good point. | |
| That's nice of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, why is that? | |
| Why is that? | ||
| Because you're very comfortable people. | ||
| You're very fun. | ||
| Oh, no, what's annoying about... | ||
| Other people. | ||
| What bothers you? | ||
| Because it's like listening to a couple. | ||
| Where you guys, you're a couple, but you don't fucking PDA ourselves. | ||
| Also, you're cool. | ||
| You're both cool. | ||
| You actually are really good friends. | ||
| There's a lot of people that the only reason why they're together is this weird male-female sort of thing going on where they have nothing in common, nothing to talk about. | ||
| The conversations are all stunted. | ||
| You guys are clearly obviously like, I wish I had No, but I think about that a lot when, not to sound corny, but if he and I go to dinner and there's that table next to you that's completely silent and they're just eating and you're like, how do you do that? | ||
| Why do you marry somebody you can't fucking talk to? | ||
| Because this all goes. | ||
| The looks and your body turns to dog shit and all you have at the end of the day is a mind with another mind, right? | ||
| You may as well pick someone that you like talking to. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta pick someone. | ||
| That always blew me away when a lot of guy friends I have would date for a long time and or marry somebody that they didn't have intellectually stimulating conversation with. | ||
| And you're like, how do you fucking talk to that adult all the time? | ||
| Well, they don't care. | ||
| That's where I'll get my pussy. | ||
| Okay, great. | ||
| I'll take care of the kids and now I'll go to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Done. | |
| There's a lot of people that just accept it. | ||
| I've had friends that were in Horrible relationships. | ||
| And then all of a sudden they'll come and tell you that they're thinking about proposing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Because that'll fix it, right? | ||
| Just buy a pet instead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| Yeah, especially the ones that are fucking at each other's throats. | ||
| And he's like, you know, man, I'm just thinking that maybe if we just went on a different level of commitment, maybe this wouldn't be... | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| She's a crazy bitch and you're crazy for being with her. | ||
| You're a crazy asshole. | ||
| Or they have kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's a lot of what, the reason why people do that, people like to get absorbed in relationships to distract them from their shitbag lives. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| They love doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| Or distract them from their real issues. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You don't have to address the real issues. | ||
| Fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're overeating or you're over smoking or you're over this or you're over that or you're over gambling or you're over masturbating, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and just fucking, you'll be in the middle of it and Texting. | ||
| Where the fuck are you? | ||
| How come you're not texting me back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Our show is also, you know, the thing is, we have a profound... | ||
| I mean, you know this better than anybody, Brian, that it's like a profoundly silly show. | ||
| Yeah, it's super silly. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| And we have a similar sensibility. | ||
| So, like, it probably wouldn't work if, like, the shit that made me laugh didn't make her laugh or vice versa. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| We were able to... | ||
| One of my favorite episodes that you guys did lately, sorry, I just totally interrupted you, was your dad, where he wiped a booger on an elevator. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| That was so fun. | ||
| San Diego, yeah. | ||
| That's so nasty. | ||
| Top dog. | ||
| That's what happens when a guy doesn't give a fuck about pussy anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| That's true. | ||
| Well, that is accurate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what the thing is? | |
| He also, it's been one of those, you know, like dads have their dad bits. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| One of his bits is boogers? | ||
| No, it's like talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, it's one of his bits. | |
| For as long as I can remember, it's been like, if you get an elevator with him, he will say that. | ||
| Not do that. | ||
| He'll be like, you know what I like to do? | ||
| I like to put a booger on the lobby button. | ||
| And then I know everybody's touching it. | ||
| And you go, that's gross, man. | ||
| But he doesn't do it. | ||
| We got in the elevator, and the first time in my whole life, he goes, hey, watch this. | ||
| He goes up, he digs one out, and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I looked at him like that, and he was like, oh, sorry, buddy. | ||
| And he knocks it off. | ||
| And it was a scraggler, too. | ||
| It was a big... | ||
| And on their podcast he has audio of him telling their mom what the dad did and the mom just like, that's like normal for her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like she's always like, she seems like such a nice, she's so sweet. | |
| She's so done. | ||
| She has zero tolerance. | ||
| Like zero for like a lack of class. | ||
| And anything gross. | ||
| Like, gross shit does not make her laugh. | ||
| So, I like to tell her gross shit to hear her disdain. | ||
| Because she gets so upset about it. | ||
| Like, she's like, ah! | ||
| And she can't even bear to hear it. | ||
| And it just brings me to tears. | ||
| The whole show is me just, like, crying, laughing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love your family so much. | ||
| I like your family a lot. | ||
| You like his family better than yours. | ||
| More than I like mine, yeah. | ||
| Mine's just too much drama. | ||
| And his is, like, they're loving. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Like, his sister will yell from the room, like, Mom! | ||
| I want cereal! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then the mommy's like, okay, darling, and brings her cereal. | |
| That would never happen in my house growing up. | ||
| It wouldn't happen in mine either, by the way. | ||
| We're not fucking doing that at all. | ||
| But we've been talking a lot lately about our neighbor. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah, maybe you can help us. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No roosters? | ||
| No roosters. | ||
| This is a different neighborhood. | ||
| Different neighborhoods. | ||
| So what happened was, we rented a place that there's our place, which is a two-bedroom, and then the owner owns the unit next to it, but doesn't live there. | ||
| And, like, lives in LA in a different part of town. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And goes, well, yeah, that's my unit for, like, once a year I have family come in for, like, a week. | ||
| And sometimes, like, maybe once a year I'll stay there if I'm doing business on this side of town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And crash somewhere. | ||
| Some shit like that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so that was, I mean, it wasn't, like, part of the deal, but she was just like, that's just what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| So we're like, all right. | ||
| So it was kind of nice because you have no neighbor. | ||
| We didn't even know what it's like to have that neighbor. | ||
| And then, like, in the fall, one day I'm in our second room, which has a connection, like a vent, and I feel heat coming in, and I'm like, ah, shit, that's from the other unit. | ||
| And I go, that's weird that there's heat coming from the unit next door, right? | ||
| Because it's blowing into our unit. | ||
| So I go and I knock, and then it's this lady that's like, I'm like, oh, who are you? | ||
| And she's like, oh, I just moved in here. | ||
| And I was like, you moved in? | ||
| She's like, yeah. | ||
| I go, like, permanently? | ||
| She's like, nah, I'm just gonna be, like, looking for a place. | ||
| But, you know, I'm staying here because I'm friends with the owners. | ||
| And I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| I was like, how long do you think you're gonna stay? | ||
| She's like, probably for a while. | ||
| I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| Like, how long? | ||
| She was like, just probably for a long time. | ||
| I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, man. | |
| An indefinite amount. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then she asked if she could park in our driveway and all that shit. | ||
| And if she could use our internet connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And we're like, nah, I don't think so. | ||
| This was on the first meeting. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Yeah, a little much. | ||
| Can I use your internet connection? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was like, do you think I can get your password and I can throw you like a few bucks? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's not going to work. | ||
| What did she say? | ||
| And she was like, okay. | ||
| And I was like, yes, that's not going to work. | ||
| She was like, do you think I could park in the driveway behind your car and I'll leave my phone number on a card? | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| So she can block us with her shitty car. | ||
| She sounds like a hippie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That sounds like, that's exactly the type of mentality that I had to deal with a lot in Boulder. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A lot of always need this, always need that. | ||
| Can I get that from you, man? | ||
| I've been broke as shit. | ||
| I've never had the balls to be like, you think I could tap into your internet, man? | ||
| Yeah, there's some shameless hippies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| If you can help me, man. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Downloading some fucking terrorist handbook that gets on your IP. When the fucking police come and break down your door and you're going to prove that this asshole was the one that was downloading this shit. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| What's scary is that you have to really worry about that, too. | ||
| We start to hear her. | ||
| We're hearing her. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Just in general. | ||
| First, it's the smelling her fucking dirty food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You smell her shitty food and you're like, what is she fucking... | |
| I don't know, onion-y something in the morning. | ||
| And I don't even like to eat in the morning. | ||
| Popcorn. | ||
| Yeah, I smell like beefy, onion-y shit. | ||
| It smells great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds inspirational. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the capper is in the middle of the night, like at two in the morning. | ||
| Later. | ||
| Yeah, later. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You hear... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just in groups of threes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| When she's getting nailed? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| It's not even like a late night fucking. | ||
| It's like a four in the morning fucking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Getting railed. | ||
| Sounds like she knows a guy like me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you been addicted to listening to it? | ||
| Are you a four in the morning guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Tom's being silly. | ||
| When I was 20, I was. | ||
| Whenever you can get in. | ||
| It's four in the morning. | ||
| She answers her phone. | ||
| Has Christina been gone once and you started hearing her have sex and you started masturbating with your ear to the wall? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you ever done it before? | ||
| I've done that in hotels. | ||
| But when you're home and you have that much resentment built up, I don't think of it as exciting. | ||
| You know this dumb bitch. | ||
| I'm like, you can stop fucking filming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too bad you don't have a sample of that. | |
| We've been dying, yeah. | ||
| We try to give it back to you. | ||
| Have you ever dated a girl that was so loud you wanted her to shut the fuck up? | ||
| You're like, you're distracting the shit out of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever had that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had it loud, but I don't think about, like, so distracting. | ||
| I love hearing this stuff. | ||
| You do you? | ||
| Well, yeah, because I never asked him that question, so... | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| I want to hear. | ||
| There was many, many years in the past. | ||
| I was probably in my early 20s. | ||
| There was this girl that I dated for a very short period of time who would, you know, she would come to visit me, like, if I was on the road doing stand-up. | ||
| And, you know, and back then it was, like, always the shittiest, cheapest motels, the fucking nastiest beds. | ||
| Think about some of the places that you stayed when you were working the road. | ||
| Even how we're alive... | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, fuck! | ||
| Oh, fuck! | ||
| It would... | ||
| It would be so ridiculous and so over the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| And it was always. | ||
| She was ready to ramp it up the moment you stuck it in. | ||
| The moment you stuck it in. | ||
| So she didn't even build to it. | ||
| It was like the overkill. | ||
| She was Latin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy Latin, bitch. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Crazy Latin, bitch. | ||
| She would go off like a bottle rocket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The moment you stick it in, she just started screaming, oh, fuck yeah! | |
| It was like, hey, hey, hey! | ||
| So theatrical, yeah. | ||
| Did you believe it? | ||
| Did you think it was that? | ||
| I was fucking 22 years old or whatever the hell I was. | ||
| Yeah, you definitely might be. | ||
| 22. She was the worst one in all of my history. | ||
| I was like, please, you gotta stop. | ||
| I was trying to be polite. | ||
| There's other people that are staying here. | ||
| This is late at night. | ||
| This is a small hotel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, what's fascinating is that I read recently that one of the things they say about a woman who's moaning and screaming really loudly during sex is that it's not exactly just pleasure, and that actually what she's doing is she's alerting other men that may be better suitors to come in and fuck her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that's interesting. | |
| I like to stay quiet like a cadaver. | ||
| It's a little whimpering that no one's going to hear outside this house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sorry, Mommy. | ||
| So that's an interesting little... | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| That is interesting. | ||
| A little possibility. | ||
| Makes you really think about the screamers now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it makes sense, you know. | ||
| I mean, it totally makes sense. | ||
| I guess if you're more secure in the relationship as well, you also have calmed down. | ||
| You probably, the sex isn't quite as crazy because you're doing it all the time. | ||
| You're used to each other. | ||
| You can still have good sex for a long period of time, but you've got to have some marijuana or some wine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or distance. | ||
| It helps to be apart for like a week. | ||
| And then you're like, hey, remember me? | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Like hang out with some Puerto Ricans for a week. | ||
| Oh, I love those Puerto Ricans. | ||
| Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| A lot of Puerto Rican guys. | ||
| A lot of gold chains. | ||
| Crazy screaming like that. | ||
| I, I, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| That's her. | ||
| You never know if it's real. | ||
| And they're taking a big chance at going that hard. | ||
| It's theatrical. | ||
| It's a little much. | ||
| It's a little over the top. | ||
| It's a little... | ||
| What about that kind of stuff, like the filthy talk? | ||
| Like, does that put you off? | ||
| Have you ever had someone say shit that was too crazy? | ||
| Yeah, well, a girl told me, fuck her cunt. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| Is it a cunt? | ||
| She's like, well, what is it? | ||
| It's that slit, that gash. | ||
| This girl was cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stab that gash. | |
| She was completely crazy, though. | ||
| This is where it's good to have good friends, because she came to a comedy club to see me, and also my friends came, and my friends were with, you know, like, I brought her over to them, and she gave my friend her number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And then she goes to the bathroom. | ||
| My friend calls me. | ||
| Oh man, that girl just gave me her fucking phone number. | ||
| I'm like, wow, you crazy hooker. | ||
| She was so crazy. | ||
| She was willing to take one of my friends and just give him and hope that she could sneak her way in and just start banging everybody that I know. | ||
| Like on the sneak tip. | ||
| There's some dirty girls out there. | ||
| There's some dirty girls. | ||
| One dick at a time. | ||
| That's all I can do. | ||
| Well, I shouldn't have known. | ||
| I mean, this girl, I fucked her the first time I met her. | ||
| She was completely insane. | ||
| What, the girl? | ||
| Yeah, this girl was incredible. | ||
| She was insane. | ||
| I was 21, and she was completely crazy. | ||
| But I didn't realize how crazy she was until she gave the phone number to my friend. | ||
| And then I realized she would just do that to anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She could, you know, you could just, all you have to do is start for that or no? | |
| Oh, God, no, that was the end. | ||
| Yeah, I got to get rid of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was too creepy. | ||
| It's not just doing that. | ||
| It's like the idea that they're sneaking around behind your back. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's a weird sign. | ||
| That's why it's good to have good friends. | ||
| Because my friend came out to me right away and said, yo, dude, that fucking bitch, when you're in the bathroom, that bitch gave me your number. | ||
| And he shows it to me and he hands it to me. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like he wouldn't tell you though, right? | ||
| Some guys wouldn't. | ||
| There's guys who wouldn't. | ||
| Yeah, I had a friend, we had a real problem with him because he was always banging all of our friends' ex-girlfriends. | ||
| He would immediately, this was back in Boston, it was immediately, as soon as he would break up, he would fucking immediately be just magically, hey, I was by her work the other day, she seems like she's taking the breakup well. | ||
| Like a hyena, right? | ||
| What do you mean she seems like she's taking the breakup well? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking to her for? | ||
| Hey man, you know, it's an open game, man. | ||
| She's on the market now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like what? | |
| Like you're moving in and you're my friend? | ||
| Moving in on the kill. | ||
| Shit happens This was a bad one, though. | ||
| This was my friend Jimmy and Kevin. | ||
| I don't want to say last names, so the fucking names have been changed to save the innocent. | ||
| They stopped being buddies because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| You can't keep being buddies after that. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| You can't trust that dude. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| Can't trust it. | ||
| So, where are you guys at next? | ||
| What's next? | ||
| I go to Chicago the 19th through 22nd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's tomorrow. | |
| Schaumburg. | ||
| Oh, you're doing that improv? | ||
| That's a great improv. | ||
| I celebrated my 40th birthday there. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
| I'm looking forward to it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good club. | ||
| There's not really that much in Chicago. | ||
| It's hard to find, you know, there's the Zanies in Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then there's the Zanies in Vernon Hills, right? | ||
| Isn't there one else? | ||
| I don't have done those yet. | ||
| I heard a new one just opened. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Up. | ||
| Chicago used to have a great comedy scene. | ||
| Yeah, that's Second City, right? | ||
| Home base for Second City. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good comedy town. | ||
| Yeah, there was a few guys. | ||
| Wasn't there one of the guys from the Rodney Dangerfield special? | ||
| He got on one of the Rodney specials, and he was a Chicago guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Yeah, I'm trying to remember. | ||
| No, he would say something and say, that's a tip from your Uncle Earl. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like a little catchphrase? | ||
| I like that catchphrase. | ||
| Forget his fucking name though. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I'm sure someone on Twitter will alert me to this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they always do. | ||
| Twitter's the best for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| They told me that Matthew Conaghy was in that dragon movie. | ||
| I was right. | ||
| Even though I couldn't imagine him being in that dragon movie. | ||
| But I remember he was like a badass. | ||
| He had fucking tribal tattoos and shit. | ||
| He was a dragon jacker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to Vancouver this week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Matthew McConaughey. | |
| Ooh, back to the mix. | ||
| Oh, that place is awesome. | ||
| So this Thursday through Saturday. | ||
| Who are you working with? | ||
| Local guys up there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| How often do you guys work on your own? | ||
| Together, rather. | ||
| Together? | ||
| Seldom. | ||
| Seldom? | ||
| It seems like you should be able to put something together because of your podcast. | ||
| Well, we just did Ontario last month. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| We did the improv out there for a weekend. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| So yeah, we'll probably do some more. | ||
| Actually, we're doing the podcast live for the first time. | ||
| At a club? | ||
| At the John Lovitz Club. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| May 23rd. | ||
| Yeah, I've done a couple live. | ||
| It's a weird dynamic. | ||
| You feel like you have to get to the jokes real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I bet. | |
| Especially just like a large audience. | ||
| Like if we were doing this in front of a large audience, that would be boring as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That would be weird, right? | ||
| This is good when it's in your ear when you're at the gym or it's good when you're on the road. | ||
| But I don't know if this is like live audience fodder. | ||
| I would feel like I'd have to do stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's the first time, so hopefully we get a good turnout. | ||
| We'll stick to, I think, a limited time. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't a fan of the live one. | ||
| It just seemed like we were almost trying to put on a half-fake conversation just to be more entertaining of people looking at us. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Yeah, well, we did it with Jimmy Norton, which was fun, because Jimmy just fell right into it perfectly and was killing. | ||
| He was really funny, and on purpose funny, and really going for the joke. | ||
| But yeah, it became almost like stand-up. | ||
| It gets weird. | ||
| It does get weird for you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the audience. | |
| It's not this weird, sort of intimate conversation. | ||
| This is different, yeah. | ||
| It's a totally different thing. | ||
| Do you guys have a lot of people that listen to your podcast that are coming to your shows? | ||
| It's starting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's growing. | |
| It's coming. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| We talk about how much we like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I love it. | |
| It's so awesome. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because sometimes, obviously, they have no idea who you are. | ||
| Sometimes they've seen you do stand-up on TV, like, oh, I saw your special, or I saw you on Conan, or whatever, saw something, and then But then it was something different about, they say I'm a mommy to us. | ||
| I love the podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| And then you just feel like, oh, this person actually knows me. | ||
| Yeah, it's such a relief. | ||
| That's super cool. | ||
| It's like, oh, they're on board. | ||
| I can talk about dolphin fucking. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, let's talk about dolphin fucking. | ||
| Yeah, it's way more fun. | ||
| I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It helps. | ||
| It's way cooler. | ||
| And I'm doing, oh, I just added Peoria for next week. | ||
| So if anybody's in Peoria, Illinois, I'm doing the chip box. | ||
| We need to create a website, Brian, eventually. | ||
| What we need to do is incorporate all of us and all of our podcasts into one website where there's like tiles. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like everybody that we're sort of affiliated with, like Duncan and Joey and you guys and our... | ||
| There really should be one... | ||
| Just make it on your links on your website. | ||
| That's Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if there was one portal? | ||
| iTunes? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Just the ones that we're all friends with. | ||
| People could click and listen, or they could see where you're at. | ||
| That would be the best way to really get a gang of people to come to all of our podcasts, is to have a portal. | ||
| Ari's podcast, Duncan's podcast, and each one has a little square. | ||
| I think once you know it already. | ||
| It takes a while. | ||
| Just subscribe, and then you don't even think about it. | ||
| Well, no, not necessarily, because we don't really talk about Duncan's podcast that much, nor do we talk about Ari's. | ||
| You can miss several podcasts in a row where we didn't talk about it. | ||
| You wouldn't even know it existed. | ||
| But if it was all clearly laid out and we had a website where there was tiles... | ||
| And that way, that would be a real way of everybody promoting everybody with no intention other than keeping... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's no financial intentions at all. | ||
| It's all just about keeping this one group connected and helping people. | ||
| It's a good idea, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| You should totally do that. | ||
| Especially for audiences. | ||
| If you like Ari, you probably will like us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it'll pump everybody up. | ||
| That's what we need to do next. | ||
| That's the next step. | ||
| That's the next level. | ||
| We need to have a podcast community of all podcasts that we appreciate and like together. | ||
| The idea of a channel like Death Squad, that's one way to do it too. | ||
| But also the way to do it is to just make sure that everybody is connected to like-minded folks or other cool people, other ones that you might think are interesting. | ||
| And then, you know... | ||
| Have it all like a one-stop shop where they know if they go to this, this is all the people that are cool with each other. | ||
| This is like a whole group of people that are all friends with each other. | ||
| They all like each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you're getting your website redesigned. | ||
| Just make it a link page on that. | ||
| Yeah, I think I'm going to do something along those lines. | ||
| I'm also going to make a website specifically designed for the podcast. | ||
| So there'll be two websites. | ||
| It'll be like my regular website and then there'll be a podcast specifically designed podcast network. | ||
| Or a website, rather. | ||
| And that's where I think we need to come up with some sort of a link to a network. | ||
| And maybe we all put a link on our site, and then that link will go to one website. | ||
| Why are you doing so many websites, though? | ||
| Why are you breaking it up, I ask? | ||
| Well, it's not really broken up. | ||
| It'll be a section on my website, but if you go to it, it'll go to one that, like, when you go to that section, it'll be laid out like a whole site just for the podcast. | ||
| Each one will have a description of each podcast and who was the guest and how long it was and when it took place. | ||
| Do you know what percentage, is there even, like, it's got to be a small percentage of your fans that come to shows that don't listen to the podcast? | ||
| It's almost non-existent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Dude, we were in Chicago. | ||
| Chicago was this giant fucking theater sold out. | ||
| And I go, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? | ||
| They went fucking apeshit. | ||
| They went apeshit. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| They're the coolest crowds I've ever had in my entire time of doing stand-up. | ||
| It's never been cool right now. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool, man. | ||
| Even if one person's crazy, we just get rid of them real quick and it becomes entertaining. | ||
| This crowd's been amazing. | ||
| It started, I think, when I... When I did Ann Arbor with you a few years ago, that was before we had a podcast, and I'd done yours a few times, and you were asking me, like, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? | ||
| And in my mind, it was going to be like three tables. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, these are all fans, but they don't listen to the podcast. | ||
| I thought I'd be like, oh, that's that fringe element, like, listen to it. | ||
| And that fucking club went bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not only that, then you asked, like, who here knows Joey Diaz? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, people in Florida were calling out for me to tell Joey Diaz stories. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| He's so fun. | ||
| He's so lovable. | ||
| He's so rad. | ||
| He's such a lovable human cartoon type dude. | ||
| You're just so lucky to have in your life, you know? | ||
| Such a fun guy to be around. | ||
| We're having him on next week. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| That was when the podcast first started to kick in. | ||
| That was somewhere around two years ago, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, yeah. | |
| It was right after we had started it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I just bonked myself in the face with the fucking mic. | ||
| I do it every day. | ||
| It's so stupid looking. | ||
| But that was definitely the beginning, but now it's a complete transformation. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| When I did your Vogue Theater with you in Vancouver? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy was like, there's more tickets that we sold for this than even any music event show ever. | ||
| They packed that place. | ||
| That was nuts. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's definitely different now. | ||
| The shows, they're way different. | ||
| But it's also, I feel like, more of a responsibility to really produce good shit, too. | ||
| I really feel like these aren't just people that are coming to see the show. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They like what we're doing. | ||
| It's a different sort of a connection. | ||
| So I feel hugely responsible to write good shit and produce good shit. | ||
| That's why I'm excited to have this special come out now. | ||
| As opposed to maybe a year ago when I could have put it out, but when you have a bit, man, it's like a samurai sword. | ||
| You fucking bend that blade and hammer it down and sharpen it up, and as time goes on, you'll edit some lines out and add some to it, and then somewhere along the line it reaches its perfect form. | ||
| I think you can use that sword to cut heads off after a couple of weeks, but it might not be the same sword, the delicate instrument of destruction that you'll have after two years when it's your closing bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Is there a better feeling than coming up with a new bit and having a crush? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder, because I have this new bit, and it's like my little toy. | ||
| I can't wait to use it. | ||
| Yeah, it's exciting. | ||
| And then I use it, and then I'm like, okay, now let's play with our old toys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| New toys. | ||
| New toys are a monster right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I love the fact that, too, as you get older and more experienced and more education and more information in your head and better as a comedian, that every time you come up with new shit, it's like better new shit. | ||
| It's scary to abandon everything, but once you do, then you come up with a whole... | ||
| Ari had a real good point. | ||
| Like he was saying that if you worked on a bit and you decided to work on that bit for five or ten years, that all that energy you could have used on that bit, you could have abandoned it two years ago and then worked on a new bit for another two years. | ||
| And then you completely abandoned it and started all new. | ||
| And all that creativity would have gone into something completely new and different. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's totally true, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So there's like a line that you have to cross. | ||
| Like when is it? | ||
| Is it a year for a new act? | ||
| Is it two years? | ||
| I think a year, if you start always turning over stuff after a year, you actually lose something. | ||
| I think a year, you have to be... | ||
| If you're talking about just abandoning everything and doing stuff every 12 months, I mean, just from experience of watching stand-up, I feel like it gets better in that 16 to 24-month frame where you can do it like it gets super tight, you know? | ||
| Yeah, well, I've definitely, we've all gone through that experience of recording something and then the next week you have like a new tagline. | ||
| Oh, it kills me. | ||
| Oh, it's over. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg actually redid a bit on the second album because he didn't have the tagline and said it on the album that he was doing that. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Here's the new part. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because that's tempting. | ||
| When you've actually recorded the bit, then maybe you should throw it out, because you've recorded it. | ||
| Why hold on to something that you can't use again? | ||
| I talked to Gaffigan about this, and he and I are sort of in agreement about this. | ||
| Like, yeah, you've got to have all new shit, but you also have to do well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't have a bad show. | ||
| And if you're tanking it with all your new stuff, it might be time to bust out some shit that really works and just pull this bitch out of the fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You have to find when is that time. | ||
| Some guys are like, I think Louis C.K. pretty much just guts it out. | ||
| And when he does new stuff, he just does only new stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chris Rock used to do that, too. | ||
| Remember, he used to come in the store and he would just do only new stuff and not be concerned whatsoever about it not going well. | ||
| He's trying to make it go well. | ||
| But if it doesn't, he's sticking to it. | ||
| He's not going to pull out some old shit out of his bag. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the way you build. | ||
| Yeah, that's one way, and that's certainly a way. | ||
| Some guys like to sandwich it in between other bits, you know, and then slowly develop, like, them as new chunks instead of, like... | ||
| I kind of feel like you get... | ||
| I get, like, a kind of energy out of opening with new stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like to do it, too. | |
| It's risky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's scary. | |
| It is a risk, but then, like, there's a bigger... | ||
| Christina, you're a risk teacher. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a daredevil man. | ||
| Yeah, thrill seeker. | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
| You have to be a comedian, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you? | |
| Oh, you have to be completely willing to not have comfort financially, emotionally, sometimes physically. | ||
| But if it works out... | ||
| It's awesome! | ||
| If it works out, you've got such a much better way of life than doing something you don't want to do. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's the big curse of this society. | ||
| The big curse of this society is that it's so fucking complicated that a great many of us have to do some shit that sucks in order to keep this society rolling. | ||
| So that's why there's all these jobs that suck. | ||
| And people have to do those fucking jobs. | ||
| There's just no way around it. | ||
| They have to get done. | ||
| And so someone's doing it, and then the society is set up, and it's really hard to get ahead. | ||
| You're just scrounging and scratching, trying to take these jobs that suck, and then by the end of the week, you're goddamn exhausted. | ||
| That's how most people are living their life. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's really amazing when you stop and think about it. | ||
| I wonder how long society can really sustain itself once people get hip to that. | ||
| Because once people get hip to that, what are we going to do? | ||
| Are we going to invent robots? | ||
| Do all the jobs that suck? | ||
| Those jobs have to get done, right? | ||
| Unless we completely restructure the whole foundations of our society, those crappy jobs are going to have to be there. | ||
| I don't think there's ever going to have to worry about that because too many people just revel in their misery. | ||
| Or do they know they're miserable? | ||
| Are they cognizant? | ||
| Shit programming is a lot of it. | ||
| The human mind adapts incredibly well to its environment and adapts to incest and violence and all those things and treats them as the norm. | ||
| And that's what happens in every bad neighborhood all across the world. | ||
| The level of happiness is not often dictated by what their environment is like. | ||
| Sometimes it's just they can get used to anything. | ||
| People can get used to it. | ||
| Yeah, but there's people who also know they're miserable. | ||
| What they don't know is that they could make choices to get out of that misery. | ||
| They don't act on it. | ||
| Well, the real issue, obviously, is kids that are in those environments, that they don't have a choice and didn't fuck up to get there. | ||
| But to be in a shit situation, it's never good for the mind. | ||
| It's never good for your relaxation, your ability to sit back and assess things. | ||
| I gotta tell you, even when we lived in that terrible neighborhood for two years, it took an emotional toll on me. | ||
| I was like, God, imagine if I grew up in this neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| And this is all I saw, and I never knew that there was a neighborhood just three miles away that I was going to move to that would change my outlook on everything. | ||
| But it motivated us to work so much harder and get the fuck out of that place. | ||
| That's really cool, though, that it did that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can just fall into the misery of it. | ||
| One of the things that I liked most about living in Colorado was that there was very few people up there, so I didn't feel like I was being inundated by other people's personalities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And when you're in a bad neighborhood, you're inundated by... | ||
| It seems like hippie bullshit, but I believe that if you're in a neighborhood where a lot of crime is going on, a lot of negative shit is going on, you can feel it in the air. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You almost can feel it in the air. | ||
| I would love to see studies on plants that grow up around violent areas, if they're all fucked up and shaky. | ||
| I wonder... | ||
| Nervous wreck plants. | ||
| Plants just always gunshots around here. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| You're a product of your environment. | ||
| Like, I was remembering last night, in second grade, I hung out with this girl, Megan, and she was a straight A student, our third grades, right? | ||
| And my grades went up for the first time in my life. | ||
| Like, I was getting straight A's because I was hanging out with this nerdy girl who was really into studies. | ||
| And then the minute we, you know, stopped being friends, I went back to being my normal slacker C student. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| But there is something to that. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| And hanging out with comics, too, that are funnier than you. | ||
| And prolific. | ||
| You want them to be. | ||
| There's certain guys like Bill Burr, he's always real prolific. | ||
| Whenever I see him do a bunch of new shit, I get excited, I want to go write. | ||
| Chappelle, when I'm seeing him do sets, it's pretty rare to catch him these days. | ||
| But yeah, I always get excited, want to go home and write. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we feed off each other for sure. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| That's one of the beautiful things about LA. Think about how many good comics are here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I like this whole podcast network idea that I had. | ||
| You can't do that in any other place. | ||
| We have that many cool people. | ||
| Joey, Ari, Duncan, you guys. | ||
| Everyone is connected. | ||
| Red Band. | ||
| Everyone's connected. | ||
| You know, Britt Fitzsimmons. | ||
| If you put up how many great podcasts emanate from this one area, it's pretty much incredible. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's not a lot of spots in the country where you could start a whole network of podcasts that are as established as the ones that we have here in LA. It's incredible how that has taken over as such a dominating force in entertainment, and it's going to keep growing. | ||
| Well, it's free. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's really good. | ||
| But people are choosing that over turning on a television or over watching a movie. | ||
| Well, it's really good to get shit done, you know, like if you're cleaning up your office. | ||
| I love listening to podcasts when I'm cleaning up my office or something. | ||
| Obviously, I do a lot of cleaning. | ||
| You should see our place. | ||
| I have too much shit in here. | ||
| I need to get rid of some of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This isn't even bad. | |
| But the idea that it's in a lot of people's ears when they're at the gym and they're pushing themselves through their workouts and stuff. | ||
| I think that's one of the coolest aspects about this form of entertainment. | ||
| It's the form of entertainment that makes doing other shit more interesting. | ||
| You do it while you're on long drives. | ||
| You do it while you're on a commute. | ||
| It is the best. | ||
| Airplanes. | ||
| Yeah, airplanes. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| And if you get three or four good ones, man, the whole flight to Australia is done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just plug those bitches on, kick back, have a glass of wine, and join in, man. | ||
| Maybe if you've timed it correctly, you take an edible when you're at the airport. | ||
| Right as you pull up, you don't want anything on you, folks. | ||
| Don't fly dirty. | ||
| Don't fly dirty. | ||
| Don't be scared of flying with an edible. | ||
| It's a life-changing goddamn experience. | ||
| And you know what's great about podcasting, too, is that I feel like it harkens back to the time of radio, when people had to just sit and listen, and listen to long stories. | ||
| And that doesn't exist on television anymore. | ||
| Everything's cut so fast, and the information's so quick, that now it's like we're going back. | ||
| And I love that idea, that you can just sit and listen to a three-hour thing. | ||
| People just talking. | ||
| Natural. | ||
| Natural. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not this hyper-information show. | ||
| Seven-minute set on the Tonight Show where you're sitting down on the couch talking about your... | ||
| Or television shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zoo Fucking half second edits Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Yeah, and then they tell you, coming up next, you're going to see this scene. | |
| Right. | ||
| And then you come back from commercial, you're going to see this scene right now. | ||
| And then they show you the scene. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, man, I get it. | ||
| I fucking got it. | ||
| Like, I can process information. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we had a producer of this show and they were like, well, this is some of the things we're going to do to take it to the next level, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got to edit it. | |
| We've got to edit it. | ||
| There's a lot of downtime. | ||
| There's two minutes where you're twittering. | ||
| You're twittering on this podcast for two minutes. | ||
| You know, sorry. | ||
| That's actually what I love. | ||
| That's part of the beautiful thing about it. | ||
| It's like when you hear you talk, you get to really know you. | ||
| When you hear you talk, you get to really know you. | ||
| It's not a sound bite. | ||
| It's a long conversation. | ||
| I noticed that with a lot of foreign films sometimes, you'll have longer shots. | ||
| They won't edit. | ||
| They won't cut. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, but that's actually a very... | ||
| They'll let the shot go of him running it, and the coffee pouring, and then him pouring it in, and stirring it, and you're like, but that guy's really making coffee. | ||
| So it's not with fucking 15 cuts to make it. | ||
| But you're watching real life kind of develop right then. | ||
| You sink into it more. | ||
| But American style of editing TV or film is always, well, don't let a shot last too long. | ||
| Music video style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's the way things are. | ||
| Do you think that is making people dumb or making people impatient? | ||
| Impatient, for sure. | ||
| It's making people, I believe. | ||
| For instance, on Facebook, like, not like. | ||
| It's all binary. | ||
| Zero, one. | ||
| Coke, Pepsi. | ||
| Yes, no. | ||
| You know how limiting that is to human thought? | ||
| I mean, I don't even know people that read books right now. | ||
| I mean, maybe one in the last month, but it just limits the way we see the world. | ||
| This generation only grows up knowing, I like this. | ||
| Epic fail. | ||
| That shit makes me bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fool! | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| That was a fail? | ||
| Some guy tried something and didn't succeed, and we're all going to shit on that person for doing it. | ||
| We encourage people to be like, that sucks. | ||
| This fucking sucks. | ||
| It's a culture of that sucks. | ||
| And then there's YouTube comments where there's no repercussions. | ||
| There's no repercussions. | ||
| You're completely anonymous. | ||
| So you're allowed to say things that you would never say with any real person in front of you because it's such a cunt thing to do. | ||
| It'd be horrible. | ||
| They're assholes. | ||
| They're shitty about it. | ||
| They're racist. | ||
| They're misogynistic. | ||
| They're homophobic. | ||
| Well, that's normal. | ||
| But come say it to my face. | ||
| It's a weird thing where we've developed a way to communicate with people that there's no interaction. | ||
| There's no exchange. | ||
| You're allowed to throw the information out there like a bomb. | ||
| Like you lob a bomb over a building. | ||
| Your message board is a perfect example of that. | ||
| If I was just talking to you and guys in a room and then some guy came up and was like, you know, you're just annoying. | ||
| I think your face sucks. | ||
| You would never say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you would not just come up and win my conversation. | |
| And people don't understand when I kick them out of a band and they say, yeah, I can't believe you want censorship. | ||
| I don't want censorship. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| This is a house party. | ||
| My website is an internet house party. | ||
| And anybody can join. | ||
| But when you're a cunt, when you create problems and negative energy, when you don't know how to... | ||
| Even if you have a criticism or something, there's a lot of people that have had very valid criticisms. | ||
| And those help me. | ||
| I really think they do. | ||
| I think valid criticisms on the podcast or stand-up or even my MMA commentary, anything, I think... | ||
| I don't think anyone's ever perfect. | ||
| And I think a lot of times, especially when you're doing as much on-the-fly ad-libbing stuff as I'm doing, 99% of my living I make completely ad-libbing. | ||
| That's what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm going to make mistakes. | ||
| I'm going to make mistakes when I'm doing stand-up commentary for the UFC. I'm going to make mistakes when I'm doing stand-up. | ||
| It's just a part of life. | ||
| So I appreciate criticism and I understand that when I'm doing something, oftentimes it's completely unplanned out. | ||
| Like this exact sentence that I'm saying right now, completely unplanned out. | ||
| So when people will nitpick and criticize the hidden meaning behind each fucking word or each word you chose or the way you went with the conversation, it's like, God damn, will you just settle the fuck down? | ||
| It's like you give people too much of an opportunity to be cunty. | ||
| You know the Neil Brennan podcast? | ||
| Some guy was saying that I was yelling down Neil because I didn't agree with his statements. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck podcast did you listen to? | ||
| We had a podcast where we all had fun together. | ||
| There was no disagreements whatsoever. | ||
| But people will break this shit down to make it some... | ||
| They will just nitpick on only the negative aspects of it. | ||
| And it's always people that are fucking... | ||
| Miserable cunts. | ||
| You've got to also think, like, each one of these episodes, and not getting into exact numbers, let's just say hundreds of thousands of people listen to this, and you might hear, out of hundreds of thousands of people, you might hear, like, 20 people. | ||
| And that's the bottom of the barrel. | ||
| Most negative, they have a million cats. | ||
| They're fucking assholes in general. | ||
| And if you focus on those 20 and not the 490 million other people, then you're going to drive yourself crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| That's a good point, but I firmly believe that you can't be too self-congratulatory, and I think you have to address any possible valid criticisms. | ||
| So when I read negative shit, I have to take it into assessment. | ||
| I have to go, okay, I've got to look at this objectively. | ||
| Did I do that? | ||
| Did I do that? | ||
| Because I know when I've done something wrong, I've made mistakes. | ||
| I know when I do. | ||
| Did I do that? | ||
| And then if you don't, then you have to go, well, then you've got to look at the motivation of this person and try to figure out, why did you look at this whole thing so skewed? | ||
| And that's the driving you crazy part that I'm talking about. | ||
| But it's fascinating. | ||
| It's important to out those people. | ||
| It's important to out those people to set the tone for the rest of the board. | ||
| You let those people know that, look, this is what's going on here. | ||
| This is just cunty negative behavior. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| Let's communicate like we're at my house. | ||
| We're at a house party. | ||
| Let's be polite. | ||
| Look, if we're at a house party and someone comes up to me and starts saying, hey, the Mormon faith is a true faith and Joseph Smith is... | ||
| Okay, let's have a polite conversation about this. | ||
| Let's politely talk about it. | ||
| You tell me why. | ||
| I'll pretend like you're my wife's friend's husband. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're a guy I have to be nice to. | ||
| So go ahead. | ||
| Tell me what the fuck you think and hopefully we can get through this without anybody raising their voice. | ||
| But on the internet, it's right away. | ||
| You fucking faggot. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Retard. | ||
| Go back to school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It kills me. | |
| Fail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pwned. | |
| Stupid cunt. | ||
| You're so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Die. | |
| It kills me because growing up here in the Valley, if you said some shit to someone... | ||
| You got fucking smacked. | ||
| I used to fight with black girls because I would say shit. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know what I learned? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Not to fucking say shit to people because you get punched. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's how you learn. | |
| And don't fight with black girls. | ||
| You fight with black chicks and they fucking tell you what's up and guess what? | ||
| I don't write awful things on the internet to people. | ||
| How often do you go on World Star Hip Hop? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I don't even know what that is. | ||
| You don't know what worldstarhiphop.com is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it isn't. | |
| If you would go on worldstarhiphop.com, you would cease and desist all fucking with black girls immediately. | ||
| Because nobody lays a beating on another girl like a black girl does. | ||
| Thank you, I know. | ||
| Oh my god, there's a recent one over a Twitter beef. | ||
| If you just google worldstarhiphop.com Twitter beef. | ||
| Somebody sent it to me. | ||
| Brian will pull it up. | ||
| If you want to pull it up, Brian, pull it up on YouTube. | ||
| Black girls are the best fighters. | ||
| World Star Hip Hop. | ||
| Is that on the iPad? | ||
| Will it work on the iPad? | ||
| We should make them MMA fighters. | ||
| This chick beat the fuck out of this girl and went right away to the old school pride head stomps. | ||
| She was head stomping her. | ||
| She got her down, ragdolled to the ground, and stomped her in the head immediately like a killer. | ||
| Threw bombs at her, like really vicious bombs. | ||
| Punches and stomps. | ||
| There's some real brutal on Worldstar. | ||
| There's some street knockouts where you see the head hit the concrete. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| And then they start kicking them in the head while they're down. | ||
| I didn't get it that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just got punched in the stomach a few times and I was like, all right, I'm sorry. | |
| World Star Hip Hop is easily the worst example of humanity available on the internet outside of snuff films. | ||
| Because some of those people might have died. | ||
| And if they didn't die, a piece of them died. | ||
| There's this one guy that got knocked out where they just kept kicking him in the head while he was unconscious. | ||
| It's so hard to watch. | ||
| That guy is forever fucked. | ||
| There's no question in my mind that that damage that he got that day to his brain is irreparable. | ||
| He got hit by punts, soccer kicks to the head while he's unconscious. | ||
| People are just running over and punching him in the face. | ||
| So he's getting just concussion after concussion. | ||
| His brain is just swashing inside his skull. | ||
| For sure, he's going to be fucked up for months. | ||
| Did you see the one in Baltimore where they knocked him out and then they started taking his clothes off? | ||
| Yes, started taking his clothes off. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And the sound of his head falling onto the concrete while he was unconscious when he gets knocked out by the punch. | ||
| I have a hard time watching Rocky movies. | ||
| I got a bunch of tweets from cops in Baltimore because Neil Brennan and I were talking about it and Neil was saying, well, it's like sort of a mob mentality that takes on And I said, well, I totally agreed to a certain extent, although I agree to a certain extent that my mentality is real and it does happen sometimes. | ||
| I don't think that's what was going on there. | ||
| I think that was a drunk guy that was around a bunch of criminals, man, and they're just used to that. | ||
| And these guys from Baltimore, these cops from Baltimore tweeted me and a bunch of them were telling me, like, read this, check out that. | ||
| And other people tweeted me about the same issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, apparently Baltimore's got a crazy fucking crime. | |
| Yeah, it's always at the top. | ||
| One cop said he's just shocked at the amount of crime he sees every day. | ||
| Charm City. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they call it. | ||
| But you would think, like, Baltimore sounds like a bunch of white people that live by the water and eat crabs. | ||
| You know, this is near Maryland. | ||
| Isn't D.C. also like that? | ||
| Washington, D.C. You would think that would be the best. | ||
| D.C., they're loasters. | ||
| What about Detroit? | ||
| D.C. DC's only about a half an hour away from Baltimore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right, man. | |
| I don't think it's any of those, bro. | ||
| Rough city, man. | ||
| Wait, what's it called? | ||
| What would this search were? | ||
| You just said World Star Hip Hop Girl Fight? | ||
| No, not Girl Fight. | ||
| World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef. | ||
| Twitter Beef. | ||
| Yeah, just Twitter Beef. | ||
| Because I think there's not a lot that fall into the category of Twitter Beef. | ||
| This girl showed up at this girl's house and said, we're going to fight. | ||
| And while the other person was filming it, she pulled her out of her house and violently beat the fuck out of her. | ||
| Girl on Girl Fighting is crazy to me. | ||
| They have compilations. | ||
| No, that's Jennifer Hudson, bro. | ||
| World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef. | ||
| Just Google those words. | ||
| World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef. | ||
| Look, here, I'll do it real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, even Oprah Winfrey gets people hatefully emailing her. | |
| I watch the Oprah Soul series. | ||
| She talks about it. | ||
| She's like, people send me things. | ||
| I'm like, what are you going to hate on? | ||
| She's just trying to help the world, man. | ||
| I mean, even if you don't agree with it, like, don't hate male Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| What the poor woman? | ||
| People hate her a long time. | ||
| Girls. | ||
| Because she's successful, too, though. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| People hate everything. | ||
| People hate the Beatles. | ||
| You fucking watch on YouTube under Beatles videos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hate them. | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| Home Invasion. | ||
| Right here, bro. | ||
| Here it is, right here. | ||
| WorldStarHipHop.com. | ||
| Just look up Home Invasion. | ||
| Girl gets tore up on her own doorstep over Twitter beef. | ||
| Just look for Home Invasion. | ||
| Home Invasion Twitter beef on WorldStarHipHop. | ||
| So you clean this out on this end, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's when you release the Kraken of Shame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want that. | |
| You don't want that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you do. | |
| Apparently there's a video where a girl puts one of those up her ass and then a guy fucks the flashlight. | ||
| Hey, that's not my idea. | ||
| Was it really your idea? | ||
| Jerks. | ||
| Well, by the way, Brian, I don't think you're the first person to think of that shit. | ||
| In her asshole, but why not her vagina hole? | ||
| Well, because her asshole is more pliable. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| There's a lot of girls that have giant dumpers. | ||
| They can take large objects up there. | ||
| That's a really, you know, give a guy a really distorted perception of reality if he's into that shit, you know? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could put this in somebody's asshole. | ||
| I don't like anything in my butthole. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Nice way to announce it on the podcast. | ||
| There's a couple things to put up there. | ||
| I like to share. | ||
| Well, it's important to share. | ||
| Especially with the world. | ||
| Just like this, you know, this lady has the right to stick a fleshlight up her butthole. | ||
| You can know that someone can do that. | ||
| You should also know. | ||
| Watch this girl. | ||
| Beat the fuck. | ||
| Can you go full screen on that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch this girl. | ||
| She shows up at this girl's house. | ||
| It's coming up real soon. | ||
| It's coming up real soon. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Everybody, girl, who's going to touch me, bro? | ||
| And I say everybody. | ||
| I say my people. | ||
| Who's going to touch me? | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| She just pulls her out of the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's how it happens. - What happens? | |
| Look how violent this bitch is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's beating the fuck out of this girl. | |
| Stomping on her head, kicking her in the head. | ||
| Oh, the hair. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Look how strong that girl is. | ||
| She just pulled her down the stairs by her hair. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| That's horrifying. | ||
| Talk about that, hoe. | ||
| That should be on a t-shirt. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Talk about that, hoe. | ||
| See, that's what can happen. | ||
| That is what can happen. | ||
| Don't talk shit to black girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, for sure. | |
| Did you hear a guy got arrested in England for saying something on Twitter? | ||
| Have you heard about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, let me find this because it's fucking crazy. | ||
| It was on Stanhope's Twitter. | ||
| Arrested? | ||
| Yeah, the dude's name is Ollie something or another. | ||
| Let me find it real quick. | ||
| Let me go through my Twitter. | ||
| But it's fucking crazy shit. | ||
| Apparently he was fucking with their government over there. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| The guy was arrested and convicted. | ||
| The guy's name is Sir Ollie. | ||
| Sir underscore Ollie underscore C. And he got arrested and convicted for saying cunt on his Twitter. | ||
| And I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| It's about some federal, section 127 of the Communications Act of 2003 is what they got him on. | ||
| This is all the guy wrote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| Which cunt lives in a house like this? | ||
| Period. | ||
| Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council. | ||
| So I guess it's the Bexley Council that he was having a problem with. | ||
| So that's all he said. | ||
| Which cunt lives in a house like this? | ||
| Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council. | ||
| And that was the hashtag, Bexley Council. | ||
| And then here's another one, another tweet. | ||
| It's silly posting a picture of a house on Twitter without an address. | ||
| That will come later. | ||
| Please feel free to post actual shit. | ||
| Okay, what that means, I don't know. | ||
| But it sounds like he put a photograph of a counselor's home. | ||
| Yeah, okay, Melvin Seymour. | ||
| He put a photograph of this guy's home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably not a good idea. | |
| Well, that changes everything. | ||
| Because, first of all, that's creepy as fuck. | ||
| That he put this guy's picture and he took a photo of it. | ||
| But that they got him for using the word cunt is what's fascinating. | ||
| That they didn't get him for taking that picture, which apparently was legal. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, for saying cunt. | ||
| Or for calling a government guy? | ||
| I don't know, but he's saying which cunt lives there. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, cunt is a lot less offensive in the UK. Like, you call people cunts like every other word. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So we really should have been, they should have got pissed at him for taking a picture of that guy's house, but I guess they couldn't do anything about that. | ||
| He got arrested for this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, apparently. | ||
| And, of course, Stanhope took up the fight. | ||
| Did you see Stanhope, the thing that was going on with him and that lady in England? | ||
| No. | ||
| You didn't see? | ||
| Oh, it was great. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| Yes, yes, I did read something about this, where he was doing shows over there. | ||
| Guy's horribly ill, okay? | ||
| And this woman wrote this thing about saying this guy does not have the right to die. | ||
| And that it's not his choice to decide when to die. | ||
| So Stanhope comes on, and not only does he go after her, and he goes off on Twitter and says, congratulations, you made it into the act. | ||
| He's saying all this shit on Twitter. | ||
| And then he hopes that she gets a fetid cyst on her ovaries. | ||
| All kinds of craziness, right? | ||
| He's out of his mind. | ||
| So then she writes some whole really crazy, dumb, terribly written article about him, and comparing him to some other horrible people in the world, and what she doesn't address is the fact that she had written an article just a couple years ago praising a mother for taking and what she doesn't address is the fact that she had written an article just a couple years ago praising a mother for taking her And so she's a hypocrite in her own writing. | ||
| She's not even accountable for her words. | ||
| It's just verbal diarrhea. | ||
| She's one of those dumb people that writes things down and tries to make some sort of a point because her job is to write an article and Doug found her conclusions to be illogical, idiotic, and offensive. | ||
| So he, you know, in his way, you know, he asked for fucking injuries to her body and pussy problems and... | ||
| But he's a fucking stand-up comedian. | ||
| So she went off and she was trying to get him arrested and had them investigate him and all sorts of different shit. | ||
| But he didn't really do anything wrong. | ||
| And the whole thing is hilarious. | ||
| And the whole thing only probably made Doug an even bigger hero in the UK. Because she's a moron. | ||
| If you read the shit that she wrote, she's such a fucking gangbag. | ||
| And he did this while in England, right? | ||
| Yeah, while in England. | ||
| Which is crazy when you think about how lenient they are. | ||
| Because in America, all some kids had to do is say they were going to come down and destroy America and dig up Marilyn Monroe's bones. | ||
| And they said that on Twitter. | ||
| And so they were coming to party. | ||
| And the fucking people at the TSA or whatever the hell it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's not TSA. Homeland Security. | ||
| Homeland Security. | ||
| Yeah, they sent them back. | ||
| They arrested them. | ||
| They interrogated them and sent them back home. | ||
| They looked in their shit for shovels. | ||
| They thought they were really going to bring shovels with them. | ||
| Fucking dummies. | ||
| TSA's the worst. | ||
| Silly bitches. | ||
| They sound like fun people. | ||
| I want them over here. | ||
| They say they're coming over here to destroy America and dig up Marilyn Monroe's bones. | ||
| Where's the party? | ||
| We're going to fucking throw down here. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like some people, you know, we could have a fucking good time with them. | ||
| They sound like some people that are coming here to have fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| You don't think they're really going to destroy America? | ||
| Al-Qaeda could do it, but some 24-year-old couple from England is going to pull it off? | ||
| Some drunk kids. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, drunk kids straight out of college, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridiculous. | |
| This reminds me of, Tom, you remember that article you sent me about that woman in the UK who claims that she's too beautiful? | ||
| Yes, I saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that? | |
| I think that's subtle satire, if I had to guess. | ||
| You think? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| I mean, you could read it obviously like that, but the fact that there were all these follow-ups... | ||
| I mean, it's either a well-orchestrated... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Crazy bitch. | ||
| Yeah, hoax, or it's a crazy bitch. | ||
| Yeah, a little both. | ||
| She seemed crazy bitch. | ||
| I think the writer had a little bit of tongue-in-cheek while he was writing it, because he kind of knew that she was really a six, so as he's putting that picture out... | ||
| She wasn't really attractive. | ||
| But she was sincere. | ||
| She wasn't ugly. | ||
| Yes, I think so. | ||
| She was sincere. | ||
| A bit of Windy City heat. | ||
| It also felt like it. | ||
| But the best was that everybody who was critical of her, it played into her ridiculous life. | ||
| She was like, see? | ||
| All the haters came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so hot. | |
| Because I'm so hot. | ||
| There are a lot of haters out there. | ||
| How do we fix it, Christina? | ||
| How do we get rid of them? | ||
| How do we bring them up? | ||
| How do we raise up the haters? | ||
| Is it possible? | ||
| Therapy. | ||
| Weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Therapies? | |
| Get out? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Psychotherapy. | ||
| Does that stuff work? | ||
| Because a lot of people that I know that have been in it say that it doesn't change. | ||
| Changed my life. | ||
| For real? | ||
| I've been doing it for two years. | ||
| Two years. | ||
| And it's improved my... | ||
| I used to be riddled with anxiety and depression. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was, you know, I was goth. | ||
| When I was 14, I was suicidal. | ||
| I was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And I was depressed for years. | ||
| And I... Two years in psychotherapy and I'm, like, infinitely better. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You're the best success story I've ever heard from it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well I have a great psychotherapist if anyone wants... | ||
| I have too many friends that keep going to therapists and keep continuing with the same fuck-ups and it's confusing to me. | ||
| If you're not seeing progress, like I know people that go to the same person for like 10 years and are the same, going in circles. | ||
| You need to find somebody that can really get to the root of your bullshit Right. | ||
| And then I believe undo that bullshit. | ||
| So you got super lucky first time with this? | ||
| This is the first counsel? | ||
| I had seen some other guy that was wearing white Velcro shoes and mommy jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, you can't even dress yourself. | ||
| You can't fucking counsel me on my life. | ||
| So I dumped him. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| And then this broad's like, she changed my life. | ||
| Velcro never really caught on for shoes, did it? | ||
| It's great for little kids. | ||
| Like in third grade. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Kangaroos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The little Velcro pouch. | ||
| It's weird, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You should bring that back, man. | ||
| It's very useful. | ||
| It's very useful, but it's just so douchey. | ||
| There's something dorky about Velcro for whatever reason. | ||
| Real lame, man. | ||
| Yeah, never caught on. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| They caught on. | ||
| It's really popular for a while. | ||
| No, but I'm saying it's not there. | ||
| Most of the sneakers we buy have laces. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I saw it the other day. | ||
| I think the problem with Velcro, though, is after a couple weeks, they're getting shit in the Velcro, like cotton and stuff like that, and they start being annoying. | ||
| In the past, you just get new shoelaces. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They lose their sticky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But they should be able to replace that shit like you replace shoelaces. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then you'd have to go somewhere and do it. | ||
| That's annoying. | ||
| That's a nuisance. | ||
| Yeah, that's stupid. | ||
| I like Vans right now. | ||
| Slip-ons, no laces, no Velcro. | ||
| Do you have them in like the cheap trick black and white checkerboard? | ||
| No, that's too dykey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't. | |
| Too dykey? | ||
| I'm a lady. | ||
| I'm a lady. | ||
| Language. | ||
| Too dykey. | ||
| Well, look, I'm already crossing the line as a female comic, so I try to keep it somewhat feminine. | ||
| Do you feel like as a female comic, well, I've always felt, tell me if I'm right, that it's harder because you have less people want to hear you talk. | ||
| No one wants to hear me talk. | ||
| Less people want to take your opinion seriously because you're a woman. | ||
| So if you get on stage and you want to start talking about politics, immediately you're running uphill battle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| You talk about sex, you're a whore. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Do you look at other comics, guy comics, and go, God, they get away with so much. | ||
| I do, but I also grew up admiring male comedians. | ||
| I really loved watching Bill Hicks and a lot of dudes. | ||
| But yes, you're right. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Society doesn't privilege intelligence and women. | ||
| You should just be hot. | ||
| So that's the message you get growing up. | ||
| Just don't read books. | ||
| Just be hot. | ||
| So we're up against that. | ||
| You know, I actually try to channel masculine energy. | ||
| When I go up there, I always have this image of me putting my dick on the crowd. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yeah, I swear to God. | ||
| Have you ever worked on this with your counselor? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want to fuck with how I do stand-up. | ||
| No, but I mean, is he approve of this lay-the-dick-on-the-crowd method? | ||
| Um, I guess because it works for me in that, like, there's, you know, different parts to your personality. | ||
| I'm not that way at home with my husband. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm a woman with my husband, right? | ||
| Like, I like being a feminine, but on stage, I just, I'm a fucking dude. | ||
| You kind of have to. | ||
| It's a masculine thing. | ||
| It's a masculine art form. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Femininity doesn't really read it as funny. | ||
| No, it's not funny. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Not as funny. | ||
| It's a different kind of funny. | ||
| There's some people that are like, okay, here's a very funny, feminine comic. | ||
| Wendy Liebman. | ||
| Very funny, very feminine. | ||
| Very clever writing, but very feminine. | ||
| Feminine-based. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, here's my theory on this, okay? | ||
| Society wants women to be agreeable, to say the right thing, and to make everybody feel comfortable. | ||
| What's funny about that? | ||
| Fucking nothing. | ||
| It's funny for me. | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was so lucky. | |
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| I think that's why female comedy sometimes fails. | ||
| Because if you're playing into that norm, that social norm, then you're like, well, this just agrees with what a woman should be. | ||
| When did females get the right to vote? | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| I would say... | ||
| 1930s or some shit? | ||
| Oh, the suffragists. | ||
| Was it after that, right? | ||
| I know in 1974 a woman couldn't have a credit card unless her husband or her father allowed it. | ||
| That was in 1974. That makes sense. | ||
| Right, Tommy? | ||
| 1913. 1913 they could vote? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, in 1913. I know that they couldn't run the Boston Marathon until sometime in the summer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get out of the way. | |
| We couldn't run marathons in the 60s. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| That was just not that long ago. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, right? | ||
| It's weird that the woman's right to vote is literally 100 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why we need to invest in time machines. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| When you really stop and think about that, that's really crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's hard to believe. | ||
| But what you were saying about having opinions, actually people don't expect me to have them, so when I do, then they're like, whoa, whoa, you little girl. | ||
| I can get away with saying crazy foul shit, and then they're like, look at her, isn't she cute with her opinions and her thoughts, you know? | ||
| So it can work to my advantage. | ||
| I can say shit that dudes can't sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, in what way? | ||
| I won't threaten or challenge. | ||
| Like, for instance, like, let's say you said something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good example. | ||
| Like a hacker or something, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, I can tell a guy, I will fucking shit down your throat if you do not shut the fuck up. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| He's not going to hit me. | ||
| He's not going to feel threatened. | ||
| Yeah, he'll be like, oh, that's so cute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| But if you were to say that, that guy might stand out and be like, Ray Joe Rogan, fuck you. | ||
| And then you guys will fight. | ||
| I like how you use my full name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me too. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You can do it and there's a lot of funny in it. | ||
| But Bobby Lee could do it, too. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| Yeah, you could do it, too. | ||
| You just have to not be physically threatening. | ||
| They're seven years old. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I make poopies down your throat. | ||
| I want to do it. | ||
| I'd say 11. I don't think he's seven. | ||
| I think he's a brilliant 11-year-old. | ||
| Guys, start driving slower. | ||
| Pre-pubescent. | ||
| Don't scare Brian. | ||
| There's all these Lamborghinis that are just putting him in... | ||
| On death's door. | ||
| 200 down sunset. | ||
| Cars are too fast, you guys. | ||
| They totally blow like five lights in a row. | ||
| That's happening every day. | ||
| I like the apricot flavor. | ||
| Goddamn Lamborghini Avengers. | ||
| They come flying in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is so cute. | |
| What do you like to eat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your favorite food? | |
| Pizza or hot dogs? | ||
| Steak and pizza. | ||
| Chicken nuggets. | ||
| Are you thinking he's into childish foods? | ||
| Stuff that you get at Chuck E. Cheese? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hot dogs if they're sliced up for me. | ||
| I like steak a lot. | ||
| There's actually this steakhouse in Burbank that I just went to called the Smokehouse. | ||
| I don't know if you've heard of it. | ||
| It's right across the street from Warner Brothers. | ||
| It's old, right? | ||
| It's been there for 65 years. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Smokehouse. | ||
| And the story is about how Bob Hope used to go there and how blah, blah, blah, and all this shit happens. | ||
| And I ordered a steak, and I swear to God, they pan-fried it. | ||
| It was a $30 steak, but they just put it in a pan. | ||
| Have you ever had that where it feels like, alright, this is not even a grill? | ||
| Well, some people prefer doing it on a pan, actually. | ||
| Alton, what is that guy's name? | ||
| Alton Eats. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Is that a 70s thing or something? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Apparently some people, there's different ways of cooking steak. | ||
| Obviously one of them is cooking it on an infrared grill or a coal grill or a gas grill. | ||
| You do it that way. | ||
| But some people believe that the best way is to sear it on a cast iron pan. | ||
| And that you cook it on a skillet and then you put that skillet in the oven. | ||
| You finish it off in the oven. | ||
| I've done it that way before. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like it as much as I like it over coal. | ||
| I like over hardwood charcoal. | ||
| It kind of pissed me off. | ||
| I felt like, wow, I just spent $30 on a good piece of meat. | ||
| It was a porterhouse. | ||
| And that shit tastes like fucking Norm's. | ||
| Nothing against Norm's, but like a $5 steak. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I felt like. | ||
| Nothing against Norm's and your $5 steak. | ||
| Shit all over the $5 steak. | ||
| Norm's is the best. | ||
| How can you get a steak for $5? | ||
| How can they even do that? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That place is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| What does it look like before they cook it? | ||
| It's Mafia me, Joe Rogan! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Mafia me! | |
| You've been to Taylor's Steakhouse? | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| That's old school. | ||
| It's from like the 50s. | ||
| It's on 8th Street. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| It's like you could tell it was there before the neighborhood was there. | ||
| What about Musso and Franks? | ||
| You ever been there? | ||
| I've never been there. | ||
| That's old school. | ||
| That place is amazing. | ||
| Musso and Franks is amazing. | ||
| Good steak. | ||
| Make me hungry, son. | ||
| Alright, this podcast, let's fucking call it over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Should we call it over? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Look, you guys are the shit. | ||
| As always, my favorite comedy couple in the history of comedy. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Thanks for having me, man. | ||
| You guys win. | ||
| You're number one. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| You guys are awesome. | ||
| I really think we should look into doing something like that. | ||
| Have one big network website where we're all together and have a link on our shit. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Thank you to everybody that tunes into this fucking poorly edited podcast. | ||
| Patched together. | ||
| Ridiculous conversation. | ||
| It takes way too long. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of you. | ||
| Thank you for all coming out to the shows. | ||
| And thank you to everybody that's coming to Atlanta this weekend. | ||
| I'm fucking fired up. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| The first one is 8 o'clock. | ||
| The second one is 10.30. | ||
| And the first one sold out. | ||
| So come on down and have a good fucking time with me, Duncan Trussell, and the legendary Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast for, whoa, these many years. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And I do believe that it's parallel thinking. | ||
| When they came up with a video of a guy stuffing a fleshlight in a chick's ass and then fucking the fleshlight, I really don't think anybody copied you. | ||
| But I could be wrong. | ||
| I could be wrong, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was kidding. | |
| Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, all explained on Onnit.com. | ||
| All of it, 10% off if you use the code name Rogan, and all of it when you buy the first sample bottle of, not sample, first bottle of 30 pills, there's 100% money back guarantee on the first order. | ||
| You don't have to bring anything back, you just say it sucks, and you get your money back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Kettlebells are coming. | ||
| Everything's coming. | ||
| We got a lot of cool new shit. | ||
| Some crazy hemp protein powder that is unfucking believably delicious. | ||
| It's hemp protein with raw cocoa. | ||
| You know, that raw chocolate that's like an antioxidant. | ||
| Dark, delicious. | ||
| That sounds good. | ||
| Oh, it's fun. | ||
| It tastes so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need that. | |
| Super good for you. | ||
| Yeah, food. | ||
| Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for AlphaBrain. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Thank you all. | ||
| We appreciate you. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| And we're all connected. | ||
| See you soon. |
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