March 11, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:26:14
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
It's destroyed. | |
| Gets fucking jacked. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| This is a special Sunday edition of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| And we wouldn't even be doing this shit if it wasn't for Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Jim Gaffigan is hilarious and awesome, and we'll talk about him later. | ||
| But right now, let's talk about Rubber Vaginas, because we're sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Oh, shalom alaykum. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Is it embarrassing? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| You gotta make your choices in this life. | ||
| You gotta pick your ground. | ||
| You gotta stand down sometimes. | ||
| You gotta stand up for what you believe in. | ||
| And if you masturbate, this is better than that. | ||
| This is on the Christian Broadcasting Network, right? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Well, the internet side of it. | ||
| It's really different. | ||
| It's diametrically opposed. | ||
| Do you come on before Pat Robertson or after? | ||
| During the background. | ||
| It's subliminal. | ||
| He's under my desk right now kissing me. | ||
| We do it like Hungry Eat Popcorn. | ||
| Pat Robertson just came out and said that marijuana should be legal. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Makes you want to stop smoking pot. | ||
| Or it just shows you how crazy it is. | ||
| He's gotten so crazy. | ||
| I mean, we knew he was crazy before he even ran for president. | ||
| And now he's like, pot should be legal. | ||
| It's like, you know, the Christians are sitting there going, you know, I can deal with Rush calling that Georgetown law student a slut, but pot legal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psh! | |
| You know? | ||
| Or he's just gone so crazy that he's sane. | ||
| He completely went around like that dude in that... | ||
| What's that movie? | ||
| The Mathematician? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy? | |
| Brilliant Madness? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brilliant Mind. | |
| Brilliant Mind. | ||
| Oh, Brilliant Mind. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where he learned... | ||
| Turned around. | ||
| Turned around and became sane. | ||
| Went so crazy he became sane. | ||
| Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, save 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| You know, if you're buying a sex toy for yourself, what you're looking for is to save 15%. | ||
| And to get the number one. | ||
| You want to know that everybody else is fucking as well. | ||
| You don't want to be a trailblazer in the sex toy world. | ||
| You want to know this is the one that people have bought it again. | ||
| Yeah, you get like a six pack of them. | ||
| Baker's doesn't. | ||
| Baker's doesn't. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. I don't even want to know what that is. | ||
| It's a cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
| I got a new catchphrase for Onnit, by the way. | ||
| Okay, go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get up Onnit. | |
| You remember like that old, the get up on it, grab it like you want it? | ||
| I do remember that, but I don't remember liking it. | ||
| That's not from the same people that did the back off or headache off. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| No. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Was that something to cure hangovers or something? | ||
| Do you guys know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Herbal remedies? | ||
| Yeah, it was an herbal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was, that sounds like it's real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what AlphaBrain is, it's a nootropic. | ||
| What nootropics are is there are certain vitamins and nutrients that have been proven to have a benefit on thinking. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and your brain's production of neurotransmitters. | ||
| It's a very controversial science, and we're actually running... | ||
| I'm a part of the company. | ||
| We're running... | ||
| Double-blind placebo test. | ||
| I always thought you were a biologist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not. | |
| I'm a scientist. | ||
| I know nothing. | ||
| I can't even repeat what they say correctly. | ||
| I fucked that up. | ||
| But the guy who I'm working with is organizing this whole thing. | ||
| What it is, is there's a bunch of different vitamins, not just our company. | ||
| I always tell people, if you're interested in this stuff at all, just please Google the word nootropic and read all the pros and cons. | ||
| It's fascinating stuff. | ||
| But essentially... | ||
| It's not going to kill you. | ||
| It's vitamins for your brain. | ||
| And, you know, like a lot of things, some people have weird allergies and some people have weird reactions to certain things. | ||
| Some people die if they eat peanuts. | ||
| The human body's not the same. | ||
| They're called weak people, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Is that how you feel about it? | ||
| You are blonde, blue-eyed. | ||
| They wouldn't have made it through Little House on the Prairie. | ||
| I mean, you know, a lot of people weren't making it through there. | ||
| But, like, if you're allergic to peanuts... | ||
| It is a sad one. | ||
| I don't want to alienate the peanut allergic people. | ||
| I like the people that are allergic to wheat. | ||
| That's really common, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, it's, you know, it's, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wheat allergies. | |
| I mean, it's like, what's next? | ||
| I'm allergic to air. | ||
| There was a movie about that. | ||
| Boy, the plastic bubble. | ||
| Wasn't he allergic to everything or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he had that little hamster ball. | |
| I'm just trying to get through these commercials, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Onnit.com is the website. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| All the answers to all your questions about all this shit is there. | ||
| There's a bunch of different supplements that they sell. | ||
| There is not just Alpha Brain, but Shroom Tech Sport, which is the endurance supplement. | ||
| Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| All the stuff will be answered at Onnit.com. | ||
| And if you enter in the code name Rogan, you save yourself 10%. | ||
| All right, bitches! | ||
| We have a special Sunday! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sunday! | |
| Monster truck guy. | ||
| Not to be confused with strip club DJ guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're cousins, right? | ||
| I think they're related a little bit, right? | ||
| Is that the music? | ||
| Were you playing it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry? | |
| You didn't commit. | ||
| Barely commit. | ||
| We have music that we do. | ||
| It's just murmuring in the background. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what the hell that was. | ||
| Like a ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | |
| Oh, you did it again with the reverb, you fucking freak. | ||
| Strange man, this is Brian Redman. | ||
| Very odd character. | ||
| Unlike Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| He looks like a serial killer sitting behind him with wires and he's wearing a tie. | ||
| We just got back from a music video. | ||
| He never dresses like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| A music video? | ||
| Yeah, we both usually dress like children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, but you're in the video. | ||
| Yeah, we were in the background. | ||
| It was a bar scene. | ||
| Brian and I were holding hands and dancing together. | ||
| Slow dancing. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| We were thinking about doing that, but then we're like, no. | ||
| Maybe you should just practice it. | ||
| Just for you. | ||
| You know, just in case it comes up, Brian. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Let's lie down and cuddle in case there's a scene where we're supposed to cuddle. | ||
| Do you want to be an actor or not? | ||
| Listen, to want to be an actor, you've got to be ready 24-7 to act. | ||
| You do. | ||
| I want you to act like you want to suck my dick. | ||
| You know, I mean, not in a gay way, you know? | ||
| I have to look at pictures of myself. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's confusing, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's constantly doing that. | ||
| That's what the American public sees right now. | ||
| Jim Gaffey. | ||
| Is it also international? | ||
| Yeah, the world gets it. | ||
| The world. | ||
| We're not douchey. | ||
| We don't keep our friends overseas from getting the feed. | ||
| No communists are watching this, though. | ||
| Well, we would hope that they would learn something from this, Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Maybe they'll come out of their shell. | ||
| You ever watch that, was it the Robert De Niro starred in that movie about communism in Hollywood in the 1950s and how crazy it was? | ||
| Did you ever see that movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think I know what you're talking about. | ||
| It was during the McCarthy era where they were just accusing everybody of being a communist. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yes, and that was kind of like that's what prompted the play The Crucible, which was the witch hunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Amazing, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| It's kind of hard to believe that that existed just in the 1950s. | ||
| That's really not that long ago. | ||
| They were gone after communists. | ||
| I think that's happening all the time. | ||
| There's just larger examples of it. | ||
| You think, like, blackballing is happening all the time. | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
| Well, I think that we have a tendency to a paranoia, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Like, you know, the Arabs in this country or Muslims had to go through some shit because I think right after 9-11 people were like, huh? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm not talking about just the idiots. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, a lot of, like, Sikhs had to go through a lot of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys who are Indian, they have a real problem. | ||
| I mean, it's so ignorant. | ||
| It's like, You're not even talking about the same continent, you silly people. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't deal with any of that Muslim backlash. | |
| Skated right through, didn't you? | ||
| I didn't deal with any of that. | ||
| Not even a little. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| But people didn't even... | ||
| They didn't think I was Muslim at all. | ||
| Yeah, do you think that there's a backlash to being Muslim? | ||
| Well, I don't think there is if you're like... | ||
| I think if you were like a Muslim actor... | ||
| Wasn't there like a Muslim actor on Lost? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was kind of a cool part of his personality. | |
| Remember that was kind of a cool part of his personality? | ||
| I think there's been representations. | ||
| I think for sure the majority opinion is people are scared, jihadists, suicide bombers, all that stuff. | ||
| But I think more now than ever you get a little bit of a positive perspective on You can't call them the same thing. | ||
| The guy from Lost, he was a positive character. | ||
| He was a badass. | ||
| He played a guy who tortured people in Iraq. | ||
| He still liked him. | ||
| It was a really interesting story. | ||
| Torture and kill people. | ||
| It was fascinating how that was a part of his life and that he was shamed by it later and really fucked with him. | ||
| That was a great character. | ||
| Yeah, that was amazing. | ||
| That was a great character. | ||
| That show was, for the longest time, one of the greatest shows of all time. | ||
| The end, I didn't really get... | ||
| At the end of it, it seemed like everybody was just walking through the motions. | ||
| The last few episodes, I quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I miss that show. | |
| But I do, too. | ||
| It's on... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I thought you said you missed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I missed it. | |
| I watched it on Netflix and paid for it on iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I did as well. | ||
| I even have the DVDs, which I never buy. | ||
| I got the Blu-rays. | ||
| It's one of the greatest shows of all time. | ||
| And no matter who you are, I don't care how creative you are, when you're doing a crazy fucking show where people are allowed to travel back in time and do all kinds of nutty shit from this magical island that doesn't even exist, when you're doing something like that, after a while, man, you've got to run dry. | ||
| It must be exhausting trying to think of nutty shit that you're going to do on this fucking island. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's got to be amazing to also kind of tie it together with some semblance of logic. | ||
| You're like, alright, so we're going to go back in time. | ||
| What would happen if we went back in time? | ||
| But we still want that one character in there, you know? | ||
| So they had to... | ||
| They had weird shit too. | ||
| Remember they had polar bears in the beginning? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they stopped having polar bears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Things disappeared, right? | ||
| There was that foot that had like four toes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the statue. | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That was never explained. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they started going forward in time. | |
| Remember when Jack had a beard and they were sitting on that bridge and they were like, what happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Great goddamn show. | ||
| Especially considering it had to operate within the parameters of an ABC primetime show. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I don't know how... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the hardest job in the world. | |
| I don't think shows like that would have a shot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Homeland's a good show. | ||
| Have you watched that? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I gave up after Lost. | ||
| You did? | ||
| So you just don't watch television? | ||
| I don't watch anything that's real. | ||
| The show ended and you threw your flat screen out the window. | ||
| Elvis the TV. I only watched... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I watched... | ||
| It's not a good thing. | ||
| It's not Benny Virtue. | ||
| I watched Bigfoot Hunter. | ||
| I watched fucking two episodes. | ||
| I had DVR to Finding Bigfoot. | ||
| There's a show called Bigfoot Hunter? | ||
| Finding Bigfoot or something. | ||
| And it's like a series where they have more than one episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| You think after the first episode, they'd be like, yeah, we're not going to find them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's awesome. | |
| No, the best part about it is the beginning. | ||
| The guy says, I've been hunting Sasquatches for 25 years. | ||
| You're like, quit now. | ||
| Quit. | ||
| Quit now. | ||
| You haven't even got a video of one. | ||
| You crazy asshole. | ||
| You know, it's like, hey, you know how those ghost shows are really not realistic? | ||
| Like, they never really find a ghost. | ||
| What if we did it with Sasquatches? | ||
| What's next? | ||
| Like, Chupacabra? | ||
| Sure! | ||
| If they can sell it, they would have it. | ||
| It's a fun show to watch, though, because it's so stupid. | ||
| I mean, first of all, everyone has a video that they want you to analyze that may have been a Sasquatch, so they have to recreate the scene in the video. | ||
| Oh, sweet. | ||
| It looks so silly, because the people knew exactly where the car was, and this is the tree, and so they line it up on the camera, and then they have this big guy named Bobo, who kind of looks like a Bigfoot, and he goes out there and he does exactly what, and he's always way bigger than the Bigfoot in the video, so it always proves that it wasn't really a Bigfoot boy dude. | ||
| That's on his resume right now. | ||
| Oh, I see here. | ||
| You were Bigfoot. | ||
| Yep, I was Bigfoot. | ||
| Season one. | ||
| Season two, they replaced me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like a contract association. | |
| Do you remember when Harry and the Hendersons... | ||
| I wanted to make Bigfoot more empathetic and... | ||
| Harry and the Hendersons, like a whole family lived with Bigfoot. | ||
| You know why not? | ||
| Imagine my kids are I don't even trust dogs that I don't know. | ||
| This guy's got a fucking Bigfoot hanging out with his kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| He probably told these stupid humans a thing or two about love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yep. | ||
| Harry and the Henderson... | ||
| There's never been a real good Bigfoot movie. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Nobody's ever stepped up. | ||
| And it's not like the bar has been set that high. | ||
| The bar is incredibly low. | ||
| The bar is all fraudulent videos. | ||
| That's the closest thing to a Bigfoot movie. | ||
| And I would think after season one, there's a lot of people that watch the show and they're like, why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you should submit a video. | |
| How come there's never been a... | ||
| I mean, there was some really bad ones in the 70s or some swamp thing, monster guy. | ||
| But there's never been a movie, a good movie, about a bunch of people that encountered Bigfoot. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| That you have such a folklore that has completely permeated society. | ||
| He's not sexy enough. | ||
| But no one's ever made a... | ||
| Not sexy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bigfoot? | |
| No, Bigfoot's not sexy. | ||
| No one's ever made a movie about finding Bigfoot. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's incredible, really. | ||
| When you think about how popular it is, you'd think that movie would be huge. | ||
| Some of the movie ideas they're doing, it's based on a matchbook. | ||
| So you'd think they'd have Bigfoot. | ||
| Especially in romantic comedies, when you hear some romantic comedy premise and you're like, what? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| And they finally meet again at 60. You know, I sometimes feel like I just established consciousness when I was, like, 30. Because, like, romantic comedies, like... | ||
| You know, I was so dumb, I think, in my 20s that, like, when... | ||
| You know, it would be, like... | ||
| You know, Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, you know, like... | ||
| Harry Met Sally. | ||
| Like, to me, that was just a movie. | ||
| I didn't consider that a romantic comedy, which it was. | ||
| But now it's, like, this genre... | ||
| That has always existed, but they just kind of like just churn out these just like sausage romantic comedies. | ||
| Those didn't exist before. | ||
| You know what existed? | ||
| Movies were when a woman got mouthy, the man gave her the back of her hand. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Back of his hand. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's what they used to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To the moon, Alice. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, all that stuff. | ||
| Those were the good old days. | ||
| Billy Crystal fucked us. | ||
| Billy Crystal fucked us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He fucked us in Harry Met Sally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did nothing wrong. | |
| He tried to be manly. | ||
| He tried to like be the best... | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Example. | ||
| And then he caved. | ||
| That or sleep is in Seattle. | ||
| Because he... | ||
| So you see when Harry met Sally... | ||
| Harry met Sally is like... | ||
| It's like a sad ending to you. | ||
| You're like, you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone You're like, yep, there you go. | |
| It just seems like the relationship seems like so much work. | ||
| I'm never happy when a relationship that seems like so much work works out. | ||
| Because I don't buy it. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| It's not going to last. | ||
| You guys fight too much. | ||
| There's a lot of people in relationships. | ||
| You just think that they're all acting. | ||
| You're like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I don't want Joe Rogan to think that I can't do this. | ||
| Listen, everyone has been in good and bad relationships. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying when one is a battle, one is a crazy battle in Carrie Met Sally. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, where they have nothing in common. | ||
| It's like we hate each other. | ||
| We don't get along, but we got drunk one night and made out, so maybe we should get married. | ||
| Is it getting to the point, you know, I'm 44. How old are you? | ||
| 21. You look great. | ||
| Is it getting to the point yet where you look at older married folks that are just barely into each other, barely can communicate with each other, and you look at it and you go, I can see how that can happen. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| You'd see how it could happen, right? | ||
| But there's nothing normal about what we do. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I think in some of those married couples, it's like I do everything with my wife. | ||
| So it's not as if... | ||
| You know, the conversation went like, the silent man, like, don't talk to me, Virginia. | ||
| You know, like where they don't talk. | ||
| You let your wife talk? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| You know, yes. | ||
| On Tuesdays, she's allowed to talk. | ||
| No, but there's that complete communication breakdown. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's the only reason to be married. | ||
| In my opinion, the only way you should ever... | ||
| I mean, other than children. | ||
| And that, of course, kind of goes with the whole package of that sort of relationship, the really intense relationship. | ||
| That's homophobic of you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| But the only reason why you should is because you feel like that. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And if you don't... | ||
| But it's not easy. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| There's definitely moments where you're like, this is too hard. | ||
| But... | ||
| That's what whores are for. | ||
| That's what? | ||
| Whores. | ||
| No, that's what, you know, you've got to suck it up. | ||
| You've got to go long-term. | ||
| You know, it's like stand-up comedy. | ||
| You know, I don't know, maybe you probably did all right. | ||
| But, you know, there's a lot of nights where you just eat shit. | ||
| Oh, I ate dick. | ||
| But you're committed. | ||
| You've made the commitment. | ||
| Remember when you had friends that quit comedy? | ||
| And they'd be like, I'm quitting. | ||
| And you'd look at them and you'd go, I don't think I could ever quit. | ||
| I mean, I really feel that way. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| This is not something like, you know, I'll try this and then maybe I'll try archery. | ||
| It's not like I had a choice in this. | ||
| It's like I was resigned to be like the weird old uncle. | ||
| I didn't think that I... When you're constantly making people laugh like you are, even just we're having this conversation, all the three of us, there's that feeling that you get when you're laughing really hard at something where all of our brains are like... | ||
| It's like a real energy that goes off when you're really laughing hard at something. | ||
| People fucking love that. | ||
| You love it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| You love to do it. | ||
| It's one of the most fun things to be able to do. | ||
| To do that to a whole room full of people, to go out and see it, it's one of the most fun things for them to see. | ||
| Why would you quit? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| It's an absolute heroine, right? | ||
| Going on stage and being able to make a crowd laugh or just coming up with a new joke. | ||
| And by the way, I feel like it's also a responsibility because there's Jim Gaffigan fans out there and you got them addicted to Jim Gaffigan humor and you got to keep coming. | ||
| You got to keep showing up. | ||
| You got to keep touring. | ||
| You got to keep coming to them. | ||
| They want to come see you again. | ||
| Well, you know, I think it's also, you know, even though I think... | ||
| Fan is... | ||
| I mean, that's a different type. | ||
| It's a weird word. | ||
| I think it's a weird word, particularly for me, but I think it's also really important to, like, do well. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Not suck. | ||
| Well, you know, if people are paying 30 bucks, it's like, they better leave. | ||
| Like, if they don't leave going, that was great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| Some of my most inspirational moments in comedy have been from reading a review of someone who said, like, oh, I thought it was boring, or, oh, I didn't like it. | ||
| And I've read those before, and even if you know it's just one douchebag, sometimes it just makes you like, just that anybody can think like that, I have to stop that. | ||
| You might not like the subject matter, but if anybody thinks that it wasn't a good show, I need to fix whatever the fuck that is. | ||
| It's interesting, because there's also... | ||
| There's the new material police, which is kind of, it's painful, but it's also good. | ||
| It's kind of like, you know, people are like, well, you know, like, 79% of the show was new, you know? | ||
| And then there's some people, like, you could do, like, you know, 45 minutes new and do, like, 15 minutes old, and they're like, it was all old material. | ||
| You're like, what about the first 45 minutes? | ||
| Yeah, people will definitely do that. | ||
| And I like hearing, like, Joey Diaz has some jokes I can hear over and over and over again. | ||
| I want to hear some, like, when I go to see a guy, and, you know, he's a guy that I've been seeing over the last year or two, I don't mind seeing those jokes over and over again. | ||
| I certainly don't expect in a year that he's going to have a whole new act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unless you just put something out, and that's the crazy... | ||
| And you're about to do that right now, right? | ||
| Do you do the same thing? | ||
| You toss everything out, then you start pretty much fresh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm... | |
| You know, yeah. | ||
| I mean, when I'm in New York, but if I'm doing a theater, I think the most important thing is to try and make it half new, at least. | ||
| But also, make sure that it's a really good show. | ||
| So... | ||
| There is something about... | ||
| Like, I don't want to... | ||
| I don't want people... | ||
| Because, like you said, some people want to hear the old stuff. | ||
| It is that weird thing, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, like, a week ago, it was all new. | ||
| It was, like, 75 minutes new. | ||
| But... | ||
| And I have stuff that I didn't put in this, you know, like, maybe 20 minutes. | ||
| So I'll start... | ||
| Over with that 20 minutes and kind of throw stuff out. | ||
| But when I'm doing a show, it's got to be... | ||
| Boom. | ||
| It's got to be boom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You've got a lot of people coming to see you. | ||
| Even though mine might be like, boom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I love... | ||
| I think... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm not going to let you talk. | ||
| But I think that's what's so amazing about... | ||
| We're making each other laugh here. | ||
| But that's some of why... | ||
| Podcasts are so fun. | ||
| It's like comedians want to talk to other comedians. | ||
| We just don't have the opportunity. | ||
| And so, you know, getting the opportunity to do something like this, you're like, well, yeah, no, I'd love to talk to Joe. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you were so nice because I asked to do it that you said... | ||
| Well, I'm really excited that you're doing your special the same way Louis C.K. did it. | ||
| You're going to release it completely on the internet. | ||
| The same price. | ||
| I think Louis kind of established it, right? | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| I'm going to do the same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think it's, you know, Louis is not the first person to sell something on the internet, but I think he figured it out a real simple thing. | ||
| It's like you keep it as cheap. | ||
| You keep it cheap. | ||
| Five dollars is not going to kill anyone. | ||
| And then you make it really easy to buy. | ||
| And then you're just honest. | ||
| And good. | ||
| People are looking forward to seeing Louie's stuff. | ||
| And Louie's the guy that, in my opinion, is the most prolific, I think. | ||
| I don't think there's anybody as prolific as him. | ||
| Every year, a whole new hour and a half or whatever the hell it is. | ||
| This whole new show. | ||
| I did a show with him in Boston like two weeks ago. | ||
| And he... | ||
| This is going to freak you out. | ||
| I'm not sure about this, but I'm pretty positive. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I was writing material and I need 45 minutes for my show. | ||
| For the comedy section of his show. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| So that 45 minutes that he's written for his show, for his 8 or 10 episodes or whatever of that show, that 45 minutes isn't even going to be part of his next hour, which he'll do probably in two months. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god, that's insane. | ||
| I mean, I'm not in two months, but I think he does an hour a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| So that's... | ||
| I heard that and I was like, wow. | ||
| Yeah, he must just put himself in weird situations to make things happen that are funny to talk about. | ||
| At a certain point in time, you just start driving to bad neighborhoods and going to massage parlors you don't even want to be at. | ||
| Reading every book on premises. | ||
| Yeah, on anything. | ||
| Because I talk a lot about food and I feel as though there's no more food. | ||
| I've talked about all that. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a theme of animals that can kill you. | ||
| I'm always fascinated and terrified by animals that can kill you. | ||
| How many tiger jokes can I do? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could listen to you talk about Lean Pockets all day, though. | |
| Because I am a huge... | ||
| Like, I eat more Lean Pockets than... | ||
| I think it's Hot Pockets. | ||
| Well, I do Lean because I'm on a diet because he's a lady. | ||
| But I seriously eat it. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I eat like four a week. | |
| It's simple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so easy. | |
| That's really not good for you. | ||
| That's the blessing and the curse of Hot Pockets, right? | ||
| It changed my life, that joke. | ||
| Hopefully, you know, the whole Beyond the Pale was good, but it's like... | ||
| That Hot Pocket, it's a blessing, right? | ||
| It's opened up so many opportunities. | ||
| Yet, you know, me walking through the airport with people yelling Hot Pocket is not my favorite thing, right? | ||
| I mean, I don't even know how to respond to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you get discounts for the coupons? | |
| Do they send you any kind of free? | ||
| No, but I used to have theater shows and they used to have a guy dressed as a Hot Pocket standing outside passing out coupons or coupons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| For Hot Pockets? | ||
| For Hot Pockets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Did you make a deal with Hot Pockets? | ||
| No. | ||
| People thought that I was in cahoots with them, and I was like, I had to send a letter. | ||
| You guys can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta pay me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They have to pay you to do that. | ||
| Also, I don't wanna be... | ||
| You don't wanna be associated with a food product? | ||
| I don't wanna further feed the Hot Pocket thing, you know? | ||
| Yeah, you don't want people actually buying Hot Pockets and having fucking heart attacks on your behalf, right? | ||
| It's one thing to crack jokes about it. | ||
| So, you're doing this special. | ||
| When you get done with it... | ||
| I'm gonna release it on the internet the same way. | ||
| And are you going to start from all new? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're going to just go on stage. | ||
| Well, the Ice House here in Pasadena has an annex room. | ||
| It's an 85-seat room. | ||
| And we've been doing a lot of shows there. | ||
| And it's like the best place ever for fucking around and coming up with new shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Because it's really small. | ||
| It's super intimate. | ||
| It's like real relaxed. | ||
| And they kind of know that that's what we're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| So we have these podcast shows where all the comics will come and sit around and do a podcast. | ||
| Then each one will go on stage and then come back and join the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a green room podcast. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a real green room. | ||
| I mean, it really is us right before we go on stage. | ||
| And you see, like, how much time do I have left? | ||
| He's on now? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I got to go, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And guys will leave. | ||
| Then they'll come back in. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| Hey, Joey Diaz just returned. | ||
| How are they? | ||
| Oh, they're fucking fantastic. | ||
| And then he'll start talking about the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you gotta do it. | |
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's really fun. | ||
| Because then you might have a different interpretation of the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah, there's definitely that. | ||
| And there's also, when you come back here, there's like this party going on. | ||
| There's all these people. | ||
| And Russell Peters came by with fucking ten people with him. | ||
| It's always something crazy like that. | ||
| So it's like it's like a fun it's a fun environment and the shows are amazing and to me it's like I'm just gonna concentrate on doing a lot of those shows like really small shows and I have a bunch of ideas that I haven't like fleshed out yet right right that's nice chuck them in there and see what's up little kernels do you feel like the podcast is influencing your act Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it also changed my audience entirely. | ||
| Really? | ||
| My audience at one point was like a combination of Fear Factor people, which were fading away, and it was mostly like UFC fans that were kind of curious. | ||
| And then, you know, it was still half of them knew what I was doing, but now it's 100%. | ||
| Now it's like literally 90 to 100% of the audience is all podcast fans. | ||
| So they know you 100%. | ||
| They know you as much as anyone could know you ever. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge gay base. | |
| Huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge gay base. | |
| Especially women. | ||
| Tall ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Lumberjack women. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not describing the type of women you like. | ||
| Doesn't bother me. | ||
| You like, right. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| I'm open to anything. | ||
| It's all dependent on what kind of situation I'm in at the time. | ||
| Do you think there's a guy out there that just goes after the butchiest lesbians? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| There's people that like everything, man. | ||
| There's a broad spectrum. | ||
| You've met people. | ||
| Have you met people? | ||
| I've met a few people behind a 7-Eleven in West Hollywood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shouldn't have went there. | ||
| That was too easy. | ||
| You ruined the vibe of the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| I didn't mean to bring up compasses. | ||
| He's talking about gay neighborhoods in Hollywood. | ||
| Is that West Hollywood, the gayest one? | ||
| That's the gayest part of the world, pretty much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were in Compton today. | |
| I was thinking Compton, like, oh my god, we have to go to Compton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just scary. | |
| It was, like, nice there. | ||
| Yeah, well, the part where we were at was not where people live. | ||
| We were in an industrial area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's thinking about it. | |
| It's cheap. | ||
| He's thinking about going Total Street just for the cred. | ||
| I'm actually from Compton. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Sue. | ||
| Main Street. | ||
| Main Street Rosa Parks Avenue Right in the corner Compton We were in a Honey Honey music video Honey Honey is this band that we just found out about like a couple weeks ago and they're like one of my new favorite bands and I went to see them perform in LA. I got to meet them and then they came and did the podcast. | ||
| They were fucking amazing and just really cool people and really really talented. | ||
| And so Brian and I were in a music video today. | ||
| It was super awesome to meet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jason Ritter was there. | |
| And so the whole afternoon I just got to sit down and hang out with Jason Ritter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm a huge John Ritter fan. | |
| So it's just so fucking weird that I'm sitting there. | ||
| That's the guy that was on that one show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The event? | |
| The event. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| John Ritter was like, he was like one of the nicest guys. | ||
| You ever worked with him? | ||
| Yeah, I did news radio with him. | ||
| He did a couple episodes of news radio. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| What a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, super, super nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, that one was like... | ||
| When a guy like that dies, you're like, wow, really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like 50 or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That affected me more than any celebrity death. | |
| Like, all the other celebrities, like, I don't know that person. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks that they're gone, but for some reason, I still think about John Ritter all the time. | ||
| I would say that was up there, but Phil Hartman doused it for me. | ||
| That was the craziest one. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, John Ritter was hilarious. | ||
| He was a really funny guy offstage, too. | ||
| Like, in between takes. | ||
| Did you ever do anything with him? | ||
| Yeah, I did an episode of Ellen's second sitcom with him. | ||
| And he was like a really nice guy. | ||
| It's so interesting, you know, like the actors that when we were kids, you know, like John Ritter was like, I don't know who to compare him. | ||
| He was like the Jerry Seinfeld when we were like kids, wasn't he? | ||
| He was pretty huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And such a nice guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Who was the guy who was the director? | ||
| He was in Starsky and Hutch, and now he's a director. | ||
| Do you know who I'm talking about? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Jay? | ||
| He's the guy whose wife, I believe, died of AIDS. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, I can't remember his name. | ||
| Can you find that, Brian? | ||
| Just Starsky and Hutch. | ||
| The movie. | ||
| Or the TV show, rather. | ||
| The TV show? | ||
| Yeah, the TV show. | ||
| Not the movie with Ben Stiller. | ||
| Not the new one. | ||
| The old one. | ||
| When I was a kid, I fucking loved this show. | ||
| Starsky and Hutch. | ||
| Yeah, and then one day... | ||
| It's Starsky and Hutch. | ||
| You seem like you could be a character on Starsky and Hutch. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| I really love you. | ||
| No, you know what I mean? | ||
| No, because it's... | ||
| That was back in that 70s era. | ||
| You know, like, who was Peter Falk? | ||
| He was one. | ||
| Yeah, Columbo. | ||
| Columbo, and then there was an... | ||
| Beretta? | ||
| I mean, there was, like, the fat guy. | ||
| Kojak. | ||
| What was the fat guy that was the detective? | ||
| It was a little later. | ||
| Fat guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jake and the Fat Man? | |
| Oh, Jake and the Fat Man. | ||
| But that guy... | ||
| Like, that was the last TV show for, like... | ||
| Fat people. | ||
| For fat people. | ||
| You know, that was it. | ||
| They're like, sorry, you know what, Dennis France, come on in, you can get an Emmy. | ||
| But like, the guy was a lead, and he, you know, Dennis France was just like a regular looking guy, but that guy, Jake and the Fat Man, the lead character was... | ||
| A big fat guy. | ||
| Do you remember Samo Hung? | ||
| He had a show on CBS with Arsenio Hall, and he was a fat kung fu guy. | ||
| And he'd beat everybody up. | ||
| Do you remember that, Brian? | ||
| No. | ||
| Goddammit, I can't remember the name of the show. | ||
| But yeah, he was like a legit kung fu movie star, but he was fat. | ||
| And he could throw kicks and head kicks and he could do everything, but he was a fat guy. | ||
| And he would fuck guys up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wonder what he's doing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he was a fat guy that also had a good gig. | ||
| He had a good gig. | ||
| A good solid TV kid. | ||
| You know, I would be considered a severely obese person on TV. Well, I guess The Biggest Loser, there's big people on that, right? | ||
| There's very big people on The Biggest Loser. | ||
| But there's the emphasis on attractive people. | ||
| In movies and television is... | ||
| It's not like disproportionate. | ||
| It's like ridiculously disproportionate. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But when you need a character guy, when you need the wacky... | ||
| What is the dude's name? | ||
| A Steve Buscemi character or something. | ||
| Movies will do that. | ||
| But I think I saw... | ||
| I was at the gym once. | ||
| And... | ||
| And I saw, I think it was an episode of Bones was on. | ||
| And again, I don't know the show. | ||
| I'm sure it's a good show. | ||
| But literally the show was, you know like when you're on the plane and there's a TV show playing and you just kind of watch it. | ||
| And you don't have your headphones on. | ||
| You don't have your headphones on. | ||
| And from what I could tell, they went, you know, the attractive couple. | ||
| And then someone dies who happens to be an attractive woman. | ||
| And then they go to a restaurant that... | ||
| I think I put my headphones in. | ||
| It was in the bayou, okay? | ||
| I don't know if the show's set in Louisiana or not, but it was in the bayou. | ||
| And the guy who was the owner of this authentic alligator bayou bar had my accent. | ||
| And he looked like he should be hosting the local news, right? | ||
| He did not... | ||
| If you've been to Louisiana, the people in Louisiana, I mean, I'm a white trash guy. | ||
| It's like, you know, that's... | ||
| Funky genetics. | ||
| You know, it's just like people don't... | ||
| Like where I'm from, people don't wear... | ||
| They wear sweatpants on Saturday night. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| When they go out because they're not working. | ||
| Harry Connick is not the norm. | ||
| Harry Connick is not the norm. | ||
| It's not the norm. | ||
| And so anyway, so like I watch the show. | ||
| I kind of give up and hopefully this is worth it. | ||
| So then I watch it and it's just like everyone is... | ||
| I think they're FBI agents. | ||
| Everyone is like 27. Like the oldest person was like 28. And they're like, now you've been here a year longer than me. | ||
| It just was very interesting that there was no one like... | ||
| There was no one like 12. Everyone was the same age. | ||
| They were the same age. | ||
| They were the same size. | ||
| All the women were thin and all the guys were kind of work out two times a day, kind of worked out body. | ||
| And there was no one... | ||
| That 27 years of age is a really pivotal moment for a woman's sexuality. | ||
| Very, very important. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because at 20, she doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| You're taking advantage of a little child. | ||
| And, you know, at 37, she's like probably desperado for a relationship, wants to settle down immediately, only has a few eggs left. | ||
| 27 is like just old enough so that you're not innocent anymore. | ||
| You're a dirty bitch. | ||
| You're a dirty bitch and you want some dick. | ||
| You know, that's a 27-year-old girl. | ||
| That's like really the perfect time. | ||
| Perfect time to fuck. | ||
| You just increased your podcast audience among the female demographics. | ||
| Just saying that? | ||
| Explaining? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I think it's like if you simplify and generalize women... | ||
| Well, is it broad terms if I was writing a book? | ||
| These are broad terms. | ||
| I'm not saying all women. | ||
| Of course there's variables, Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Don't go Captain Save-A-Ho on me, buddy. | ||
| I'm just trying to make a comedy example. | ||
| I am with the Women's Alliance. | ||
| And as the founding member of... | ||
| Nobody would like women to be nice more than me. | ||
| Nobody would root for them to be awesome more than me. | ||
| Nobody's happier when women are nice more than me. | ||
| But nobody likes to be or hates to be told what to do by a woman more than me. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I don't like bossy women. | ||
| Especially like aggressive bossy women. | ||
| Is there anything more uncomfortable when a woman gets aggressive and bossy with you? | ||
| It's like, oh, this is so dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody's going to hit you with something. | ||
| So you don't like strong women? | ||
| Not that. | ||
| I don't like bossy, aggressive women. | ||
| I like strong men, but I don't like bossy, aggressive men either. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But there's something almost seems like, oh, this stupid fuck, you can't even help it. | ||
| It's in its nature. | ||
| But an aggressive woman to me is always like, oh my God, what are you doing? | ||
| You're like, you have no brakes. | ||
| You're just driving crazy and you have no brakes. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting. | ||
| Because there's a difference between being a nudge and being confident. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive and confrontational in an unrealistic way. | ||
| And whenever anybody does that, it's always uncomfortable. | ||
| But for me, it always freaks me out when women get aggressive and crazy. | ||
| Like when a woman starts screaming at a guy and putting her hands in his face, I'm like... | ||
| Whoa, what are you doing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, this is almost physical violence here. | ||
| You're instigating this? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Like, this ain't gonna end well. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Like, I bet if we had a fight, like, all the men versus all the women, we would kick the shit out of the women. | ||
| Most likely we would do that. | ||
| I mean, we would totally. | ||
| I mean, I might get beat up, but you wouldn't. | ||
| I think I'd get beat up eventually. | ||
| There's enough of them. | ||
| I think there's 51% of the population. | ||
| And that 1% means a lot. | ||
| If it was like a lot of chicks around you. | ||
| And when you talk about millions of people, that 1% could be pretty substantial. | ||
| But you know there's some guys that would just, like, that's their fantasy. | ||
| To get beat up by a bunch of women. | ||
| Everybody knows the one guy that has every relationship he's ever in. | ||
| The woman's in control. | ||
| And she yells at him and tells him what to do. | ||
| And he's always miserable. | ||
| It's a terrible situation. | ||
| Everybody knows that guy though, right? | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| It's cunty, but I wouldn't want to be a woman and have a cunty man either. | ||
| The only reason why I feel this way is because I'm a man and I've seen so many guys get their lives ruined by women who probably can't even help what they're doing. | ||
| The reason why I say this is because I had an ex-girlfriend and she was a very nice person. | ||
| She liked to fight. | ||
| She just loved it. | ||
| She would just start to fight for no reason and I'd be like, what are we doing? | ||
| Come on, this is crazy. | ||
| And after a while, we became friends, but we stopped dating. | ||
| And so she started dating this other guy and was going through the same thing with screaming him and yelling him. | ||
| But this guy would just take it. | ||
| He would just eat it. | ||
| And so we had a conversation one day and she's smoking a cigarette and shaking. | ||
| She's like, I can't help it. | ||
| She goes, I have to test him. | ||
| She goes, and when he lets me walk all over him, I just want to fucking, I want to scream loud enough so that he turns me around and tells me to stop. | ||
| So that he brings me back to normal and tells me to stop. | ||
| I'm like, you might be the craziest fucking person on the face of the earth. | ||
| Like, imagine living your life like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a bitch. | |
| She's not a bitch. | ||
| She's just compelled by her own genetics to not have a bitch for a man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| She was like a wild horse who needed to be broken, Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| She did. | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you still doing Pale Force? | |
| Nope. | ||
| No, I haven't done that since Conan had Fallon. | ||
| What was Pale Force? | ||
| Pale Force was where it was an animated thing that actually my brother-in-law, Paul Noth, who's a cartoonist for The New Yorker, he came up with this idea of an animated series where Conan and I were superheroes that would fight crime with our paleness. | ||
| Sweet nipples. | ||
| We would shoot lasers from our nipples and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was awesome. | |
| The art style, did he do that? | ||
| Yeah, he did all that. | ||
| Did he do the Saturday Night Live Funhouse video? | ||
| No, that's Smigel. | ||
| Oh, Smigel, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But yeah, I loved it. | |
| I thought it was a lot of fun. | ||
| You should do that more. | ||
| Yeah, I think, well, NBC owns it, and NBC and Conan, I don't know if they're in that good of... | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Masturbating Barrett, they can't even do that. | |
| What a mess. | ||
| What a mess that whole thing became, huh? | ||
| What a mess is right. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Just the whole idea was crazy. | ||
| Putting the Jay Leno show on at 10, like, what? | ||
| You're gonna have the Tonight Show on, but just earlier? | ||
| When they did that, didn't you think that that was... | ||
| I thought that was their way of like, well, if Jay fails, then we say we give him a try. | ||
| But I think that's what I thought they thought was going to happen. | ||
| But what happened was because Jay was on earlier, it killed Conan's chance to even get an audience. | ||
| So people would watch The Tonight Show at 10 and then they wouldn't watch it later. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Yeah, it was ridiculous. | ||
| It was silly. | ||
| It was a silly idea. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know, you're the comedy policeman. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are. | |
| You called me that before the improv and I told you it made me very uncomfortable. | ||
| That makes you uncomfortable? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| But I only... | ||
| That's what I'm not enjoying. | ||
| Step in for one piece of civil unrest. | ||
| I've never done anything since. | ||
| Well, there's something about that whole situation with Leno, and I don't know Jay at all. | ||
| But if there was a Joe Rogan of that generation, maybe to go and explain it. | ||
| That's our new show. | ||
| You look for Bigfoot, and you saw comedy kind of... | ||
| Well, I think for all of us, there's been a few instances in the past where there was a guy that was kind of like clearly plagiarizing another guy, and then one guy became famous with other people's shit. | ||
| I mean, it's happened more than once, and we've all felt the real pain and frustration of watching someone do somebody else's material, where you know that they're stealing. | ||
| They're not compensating on them, they're just stealing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was like a Wild West thing. | ||
| It was like no one was doing anything about it. | ||
| And to treat it like it was no big deal, you're absolutely crazy. | ||
| It's the core of someone's ability to perform on stage, is having great material. | ||
| It's their life. | ||
| It's their life. | ||
| You can be the best comic in the world, you have nothing to say on stage for that moment. | ||
| If you go on stage and you have nothing prepared and you have nothing to say, you're fucked. | ||
| It's not going to be good. | ||
| You need premises, you need material. | ||
| And so to pretend that it wasn't a big deal, The industry was treating it like it wasn't a big deal. | ||
| And we were like, this is crazy. | ||
| No, I think you did something. | ||
| I told you that night, what you did was very important. | ||
| I mean, it was very important. | ||
| Well, for us, it had to happen. | ||
| It had gotten to a point where everyone was just turning a blind eye to it because they were profiting off of it. | ||
| And that's what happens when a person becomes successful and is a plagiarist. | ||
| If it was any other form of art, whether it was writing, writing would be super clear. | ||
| A guy would go to jail. | ||
| If it was music, they'd take all your money. | ||
| If they can prove that you have the same beats and you're copying it, they'd take all your fucking money, man. | ||
| And we're not talking about similar premises. | ||
| Which we all have. | ||
| Which is all going to happen. | ||
| Tiger Woods. | ||
| Who has a fucking Tiger Woods joke? | ||
| Raise your hand. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| Everyone sat down and said, this is a goldmine. | ||
| You can never claim a premise, but you absolutely know. | ||
| You know when language is lifted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you also know where there's smoke, there's fire. | ||
| And they can't... | ||
| I truly believe that people who steal can't write. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think it's the... | ||
| I don't think you can do both. | ||
| I think something happens when you steal and that this... | ||
| Being disingenuous, this pretending, this bullshit, knowing that you are not really doing what you're claiming to be doing, that you're pretending and that you're ripping people off and lying and projecting this false self-image, which is all ego, which is exactly what shuts you off from the ability to come up with new shit. | ||
| When you come up with new shit, it's not like you, thinking about you, you see something and go, look at this right here, this This is ridiculous. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's not you. | ||
| It's you coming up with it and you thinking about it, but you're not involving yourself. | ||
| You're not trying to project a certain image. | ||
| You're not making sure that people think of you a certain way. | ||
| You're not even thinking like that. | ||
| Because when you do think like that, That shuts off creativity. | ||
| And when a guy steals, what a guy's doing when he's stealing is he's trying to make himself better than he is. | ||
| He's trying to pretend that he's smarter than he is. | ||
| He's trying to put out stuff pretending that he figured this out when it was really someone else. | ||
| It's all ego. | ||
| It's really sad, too. | ||
| It's sad in a way because I think that it's almost as if, you know, like policemen, they have like rabbis. | ||
| You know, it's like I feel like almost comedians should have rabbis. | ||
| Someone to sit there and go, all right, you know what? | ||
| You might not want to do that. | ||
| But it's such a strange business and we're all very individual. | ||
| But, you know, the irony also is that any comedian would tell you that The respect of their peers is way more important than whether you're selling out Saturday night. | ||
| Yeah, that hurts guys bad when their peers turn on them. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| That hurts guys bad. | ||
| It's like, you know, it's like you always heard about comedians that like, you know, like African American communities, when they would, comedians, they would lose the black audience. | ||
| I mean, that's brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But like when comedians... | ||
| You know, don't respect it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard it's a great weight loss. | |
| It's great for weight loss, I heard. | ||
| Yeah, because you have no money for food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That could be really devastating to guys. | ||
| Let's talk about something more depressing. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I think, you know, what's important is, like, what we were talking about earlier when we were talking about Louis C.K., like, that... | ||
| When you're doing it the right way, not just doing it the right way, but, like, fucking trailblazing, like, way faster than anybody else is being... | ||
| Putting out that kind of material. | ||
| And putting out great stuff. | ||
| It's not like the quality is suffering. | ||
| It's still really funny. | ||
| Great observations. | ||
| There's a lot of thought behind it. | ||
| It's really great stuff. | ||
| So we sit here and we talk about that. | ||
| How amazing that is. | ||
| That's the positive thing. | ||
| And I'm sure he gets that all the time. | ||
| Because that's what the fuck he's doing. | ||
| He's got this whole momentum thing going. | ||
| He keeps churning out the great new stuff, people keep enjoying it, and it keeps moving and moving and moving. | ||
| And that's really an example for everyone to see, every young comic to see. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| Just do it the right way. | ||
| You do it the right way, it's incredibly satisfying. | ||
| But if you hack and chop your way and take other people's premises, man, boy, you're not just fucking yourself up, you're fucking him up, you're fucking the community up if it gets tolerated. | ||
| It becomes a real problem. | ||
| Yeah, because I think some of the cliches, and you might disagree with me, I think basic cliches about comedians are not true. | ||
| A lot of them, yeah. | ||
| All comedians hate each other. | ||
| I think that's actually the opposite. | ||
| I think most comedians, if you're getting on stage, you're predisposed to like the guy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Or a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I see Sinbad, I don't know Sinbad, but if I see Sinbad, I mean, I'm not really into his stuff, but I'd be like, hey, what's up, man? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like there's so many different types of comedy. | ||
| You're at least going to be respectful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| And you're not going to go out of your way. | ||
| I mean, there are exceptions where I think Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross had a feud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think that was silly. | ||
| I read David's arguments about that. | ||
| I thought that was really silly. | ||
| I mean, I think, yeah, Larry does have, like, a few sort of Islamophobic sort of raghead jokes in his act. | ||
| But, I mean, wouldn't that... | ||
| I mean, he is playing a character. | ||
| Are we supposed to pretend that the character wouldn't think like that? | ||
| I get confused about that. | ||
| When you know the guy's name is Dan Whitney and he's doing a thing called Larry the Cable Guy and this guy's supposed to be stupid as fuck and live in the South... | ||
| I see Dave's argument that it might be encouraging racism, but I also like, really? | ||
| Do you think Larry the Cable Guy is changing anybody's mind about whether or not arrows are bad? | ||
| Censorship, it's a slippery slope, right? | ||
| It is a very slippery slope, yeah. | ||
| To shit on anyone's choices when it comes to that. | ||
| I mean, some of the funniest stuff I've always said is the most inappropriate and ridiculous, like Otto and George. | ||
| Have you ever seen Otto and George in New York? | ||
| No, no, are you kidding? | ||
| It's one of my favorites in New York. | ||
| When I first got opening spots in New York, when I would tank, and then there would be a middle that would do okay, and then Otto and George would go up. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 1831? | ||
| He's got something he's doing online. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| It's called The Pig Roast. | ||
| I don't know the exact address, but if you Google it, just Google Otto and George The Pig Roast. | ||
| Otto and George is a hilarious puppet act in New York, and he was always like the example of a guy who would just say, the dummy was evil as fuck. | ||
| His dummy would say the meanest, nastiest shit. | ||
| The quote is that people would leave, and they would say, that one guy was funny, but I thought the dummy was really rude. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would say some of the craziest, most ridiculous, racist shit. | |
| And he would tell the dummy, hey man, you can't fucking say that. | ||
| That's wrong. | ||
| And the dummy would be like, fuck you. | ||
| What a great gimmick. | ||
| To have a really angry, psychotic fucking dummy. | ||
| And the comedy is him. | ||
| He says fucked up shit. | ||
| And you go, man, I can't believe you're saying that. | ||
| He's all innocent. | ||
| That's not even me. | ||
| Fucking brilliant idea. | ||
| I can't believe he did that. | ||
| But that's a style of comedy. | ||
| It's like death metal. | ||
| Are they really killing people every day? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| You know, it's a style. | ||
| It's a type of comedy. | ||
| And people want to say, like, shock comedy, that it's cheap. | ||
| I so disagree, because it doesn't work unless it is funny. | ||
| I mean, shock comedy won't work on me unless it is funny. | ||
| And there's a certain art to writing ridiculous, shocking shit. | ||
| There's an art to it. | ||
| It's a genre. | ||
| It's a style. | ||
| I think the shock comedy is the Acela line in the Northeast. | ||
| A what line? | ||
| The Acela line. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Amtrak from Boston to D.C. There's the Acela line. | ||
| Have you ever heard of that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no. | |
| I never heard of it. | ||
| But that's where tough guy comedy comes from, is like Boston, New Jersey, Philly. | ||
| And that Amtrak train goes up and down that. | ||
| And those are the tough guys. | ||
| You're a tough guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| How did we get to this? | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I completely lost my point. | ||
| It just made me uncomfortable. | ||
| Did I make you uncomfortable? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| But you know what I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Otto and George. | |
| No, Otto and George. | ||
| But Otto and George. | ||
| Angry, mean comedy. | ||
| Not necessarily mean, but... | ||
| Shocking. | ||
| I think in New York it was... | ||
| It was important to appear tough when I was starting out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not having emotion attached. | ||
| You see that in Louis. | ||
| Louis has it. | ||
| And Attell has it. | ||
| And Kevin Brennan has it. | ||
| And Marin, I mean, even though Marin is... | ||
| He has a little bit like being unfazed by, at least on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You have it too. | ||
| Well, you have to really be into what you're thinking about. | ||
| And if you're into what you're thinking about, you're not going to be really phased if people are into it or not. | ||
| You know that there's a certain number of people that are your people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, especially if you're doing weird shit. | ||
| You know, I mean, you're really clean, but really funny. | ||
| But do you ever find yourself in a situation where, like, everyone in front of you, around you is just talking about anal fisting and loads and rape? | ||
| And then you go up and you're like, okay. | ||
| You're like, hey, who wants to talk about cake? | ||
| What about bacon? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| You appear... | ||
| Someone's fucking a chair or simulating something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my move, bro. | |
| That's my shit. | ||
| No, but it's hard to go up there and go, you know, it's interesting. | ||
| The third section of the USA Today, it's hard, right? | ||
| Because you just appear so boring. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you follow... | ||
| So if you don't follow someone really filthy or kind of like... | ||
| Crushing. | ||
| Someone that just crushes. | ||
| Crushes or just kind of just irreverent, you know, just thick irreverence. | ||
| Then, you know, it's not... | ||
| I mean, you can do it. | ||
| It's just, like, it's different styles of comedy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, if, like, Metallica went on, I wouldn't want... | ||
| James Taylor. | ||
| I wouldn't want to be James... | ||
| Thanks, so you're calling me James Taylor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| James Taylor is awesome, by the way. | ||
| I'm a James Taylor fan. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He's a badass. | ||
| I like James Taylor. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, so it's different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone. | |
| See, I was growing up. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| When I was 16, I got my driver's license. | ||
| Here's another boring story by Jim Gaffney. | ||
| And I got my driver's license and went to a concert with... | ||
| I'm the youngest of six kids, so my brothers and sisters went to a concert, which was the James Taylor concert. | ||
| I know this sounds edgy already. | ||
| LAUGHTER So I was 16, and I thought, you know, all you gotta do is show an ID, and they'll let you have a beer. | ||
| And so I showed my ID. I got my driver's license that day. | ||
| So I showed him the ID, and the guy took my ID. He goes, you're not 21. And he took the ID, so I didn't have an ID. So I got my driver's license that day. | ||
| So then the next day, my dad in the morning was like, hey, let me see your driver's license. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And so then a week later, my driver's license shows up in the mail with a letter from the guy who ran, I don't know, somewhere in Chicago, Alpine Valley or whatever. | ||
| And the guy's name was James Taylor. | ||
| So like James Taylor, I'm like, James Taylor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That was kind of boring. | ||
| You guys are connected. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| This Coke Zero is going to my head. | ||
| You're getting crazy. | ||
| I'm getting crazy. | ||
| James Taylor will do that. | ||
| He does it to women. | ||
| Occasionally, you hit the estrogen genes that you have dark, dark in the closet, tucked away. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| See, I sang the beginning of that song, and I saw you slump a little in your chair. | ||
| You melted a little. | ||
| I melted a little bit. | ||
| James Taylor's songs are like little back rubs. | ||
| But that's also, you know, that's kind of, now some of those songs, it's like, I know those songs because of my brothers and sisters, right? | ||
| I mean, it's not like I was sitting there like, alright, I gotta, you know. | ||
| Well, somebody introduced you to it, but did you ever buy a James Taylor CD on your own? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, I didn't buy a CD. I have. | ||
| Proudly. | ||
| I think I even bought a cassette at one point in time. | ||
| Yeah, but you're like an MA. You're like a martial arts expert. | ||
| So you're allowed to? | ||
| You can wear pink. | ||
| And people would be like, he's still a tough guy. | ||
| I'm not going to call him a pussy. | ||
| But I sit there and I read the New York Times and people are like, let's beat up the librarian. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That doesn't really happen. | ||
| Are you being self-deprecating? | ||
| Nobody tries to beat you up while you're reading the New York Times. | ||
| That's happened many times. | ||
| I actually played football in college. | ||
| People think I'm a pussy. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Football is fucking terrifying. | ||
| It was Division 3. Whatever it is. | ||
| Big people running into you, man. | ||
| That shit's dangerous. | ||
| Did you ever do any of that? | ||
| No! | ||
| I wrestled in high school and my coach was always like, Rogan, you should play football. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| You'll be great out there. | ||
| I wrestled in high school. | ||
| I wrestled 134 pounds. | ||
| 134 pounds. | ||
| That was the ladies division. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I was under the ladies. | ||
| I would help them. | ||
| I would help them get ready. | ||
| No, I was 167. I remember I was undefeated my senior year. | ||
| Were you really? | ||
| You were a killer wrestler? | ||
| 177. Again, this is a small high school. | ||
| And so, you know how, like, we didn't have tons of... | ||
| Guys on the team. | ||
| So, like, I lost, like, 10 pounds in a week. | ||
| Remember, like, people used to do that in wrestling. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I did that. | ||
| You'd lose 10 pounds to go to a different division. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you would wrestle that day, too. | ||
| Because there was, like, some, you know, big fat guy who could do mine because they didn't have someone for that slot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, I lost 10 pounds. | ||
| I was undefeated. | ||
| And then, you know, I went out there and I, like, blacked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and it was brutal because it was close to an undefeated season. | ||
| That's pretty badass, though. | ||
| I beat the guy that was third in state. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How come you never did anything with it afterwards? | ||
| You ever tried jiu-jitsu? | ||
| You know, I don't like standing up. | ||
| You don't exercise at all? | ||
| I mean, yeah, no, I used to be thin. | ||
| But I'm not talking about, like, back in the day. | ||
| I'm talking about, like, do you do anything right now? | ||
| I do that P197 or P90X. You don't even know the number? | ||
| I've heard that's really good. | ||
| I've heard it's good. | ||
| I've heard it works. | ||
| If you just follow what this guy's doing, it really will transform your body. | ||
| It's all scientific principles behind it. | ||
| I used to work out. | ||
| I was pretty buff. | ||
| I watched a video of it, and it's fucking pretty intense stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I tried it once. | |
| I couldn't do it more than once. | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| How often do you work out? | ||
| Five days a week, at least. | ||
| Five days a week. | ||
| Do you have, like, a gym in your house? | ||
| I have two gyms in my house. | ||
| Well, that's normal. | ||
| I have a weightlifting gym in my house, and I also have a kickboxing set up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's all caged in in my garage. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, a company did it, or rather, a television show did it called Garage Mahal. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it ever released, that show? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's Bill Goldberg, that big wrestler guy. | ||
| He's the host of it. | ||
| And they take over your garage, and in three days, they transformed it. | ||
| My garage is just like an episode of Hoarders. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| And then you're kind of like, where am I going to park my car? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a four-car garage, so I have two cars. | ||
| Dude, I'm a high roller. | ||
| I was on NBC for years. | ||
| So two cars is just padded up and caged in. | ||
| What kind of cars do you have? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you like cars? | |
| They're all Hondas. | ||
| Are you into cars? | ||
| Yeah, I like cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All Hondas. | |
| You got two cars? | ||
| I got a few cars. | ||
| How many cars do you have, Jay? | ||
| I have four cars. | ||
| Four cars? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And what's the love of your life car? | ||
| I have a Porsche, a GT3. It's basically like a regular Porsche. | ||
| They take all the unnecessary shit out of it, like the back seat. | ||
| They strip all the sound deadening. | ||
| They make it lighter. | ||
| They put a bigger, stronger, high-revving racing engine in it, tighten up the suspension, carbon fiber brakes, the whole thing. | ||
| It just becomes the most ridiculous, responsive car you could ever drive. | ||
| It's like you're glued to the road. | ||
| Like you feel like everything. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Not even for driving fast. | ||
| Not even for driving illegally. | ||
| This is kind of... | ||
| It makes me think of this point. | ||
| It's like when you started stand-up, did you think that you were... | ||
| I mean, maybe... | ||
| I don't know you that well. | ||
| It's like I went into stand-up because I wanted to. | ||
| I never had an expectation that I would be able to afford to have a family from stand-up. | ||
| You probably didn't expect that you'd be able to... | ||
| Own four cars. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| I never would have believed that I could make a living off of it in the beginning. | ||
| That was a dream, a distant dream. | ||
| The great dream was to be a local Boston stand-up comic, to be like a local guy. | ||
| You know, there was a bunch of local guys that made a living. | ||
| Look, he's got a nice Honda. | ||
| He's got a great fucking apartment. | ||
| It's a loft. | ||
| His office is on the top floor. | ||
| That's where he writes. | ||
| He's a pro. | ||
| I'm like, this is a pro that gets paid to be a comic. | ||
| He's actually doing something he likes for a living. | ||
| Yeah, unfathomable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just had a series of shitty jobs. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Drove a limo, did construction, delivered newspapers, every possible ridiculous job. | ||
| So no, I would have never thought I'd have four cars. | ||
| I would have never thought I'd have money at all. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I think the lesson that other people can learn always from anyone's success is it might not be the same path, but if anybody can do it, you can do it. | ||
| It really is that fucking simple. | ||
| And it might not be everything. | ||
| It might not be, I can't play basketball. | ||
| I can't run. | ||
| I'm not a jumper. | ||
| I'm not fast. | ||
| I'm too short. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| Maybe I could. | ||
| Maybe if I dedicated myself 100% to that. | ||
| I mean, wasn't there a guy like Muggsy Bogues? | ||
| He was like 5'6". | ||
| He played in the NBA. But the point is, whatever the fuck it is, just do it. | ||
| Just go do it. | ||
| Find a way to do it. | ||
| If anybody can do it, you can do it. | ||
| I think there's also adjusting. | ||
| Because when you have these, when you do interviews, like when you're touring, doing stand-up, headlining in clubs, you'll get interviewed by the local paper. | ||
| And they'll want to create some story. | ||
| For a headline. | ||
| He's from Indiana. | ||
| He had no shoes. | ||
| Don't talk to him about cake. | ||
| You know, it's like these elaborate stories. | ||
| So it ends up, you know, it's like, I don't even... | ||
| Our stories, our real stories... | ||
| They kind of adjust. | ||
| I think when I started stand-up, I loved stand-up, but I wanted to be a writer for Letterman. | ||
| I thought that would be an unbelievable job. | ||
| It's an amazing journey. | ||
| Yeah, that is an unbelievable job. | ||
| I mean, that's like the elite of the elite as far as comedy writers. | ||
| Like, this is Bobby Wright for Letterman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You write for Letterman? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, no, when we started... | ||
| Yeah, Letterman was always the top of the... | ||
| I think right now, I mean, I love Letterman, but I think Jimmy Kimmel is at least his equal. | ||
| I think Jimmy Kimmel is fucking brilliant. | ||
| I really think he's the best. | ||
| I think they're all equal. | ||
| Yeah, Conan's always equal. | ||
| I mean, he's always funny in his own way. | ||
| I think he's very different than those other guys. | ||
| And I think one of the beautiful things about his show was all the things that people have grown accustomed to that they pulled from him that he can't even use now. | ||
| I think that's really fucked up. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| The whole thing to me is just so stupid. | ||
| You can't do the talking dog anymore? | ||
| You can't do... | ||
| What? | ||
| There's like a million things that you can't do anymore. | ||
| That's just petty horse shit. | ||
| I think that's completely petty. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's a strange... | ||
| You let the show go. | ||
| That's the show. | ||
| The show's over there now. | ||
| It's with Conan. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just so silly. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| They should be able to buy it back. | ||
| They should. | ||
| Sell it back to cheap. | ||
| I mean, that's what happens in the NFL. Someone goes and they're the head coach here, and then you go there. | ||
| He goes to another team. | ||
| You get something for it, but it's not like you're sitting there. | ||
| Because I think there's no, like these coaches, they're not supposed to be able to coach. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like if they leave, they have to finish their contract of seven years or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're not supposed to be able to coach for the rest of the seven years, but they do anyway. | ||
| Well, didn't that happen with radio with Tom Likas? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I think Tom Likas had a deal with the 97.1 FM Talk in LA, and they syndicated his show all throughout the country. | ||
| And those talk radio shows, I don't know what killed them, man. | ||
| What killed talk radio shows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom Likas. | |
| Because, look, man, when you think about what that was, that network, I believe they had Howard on in the morning, right? | ||
| It was Howard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it was Frosty, Heidi, and Frank. | ||
| And it was like, there was a bunch of good fucking shows. | ||
| It's like, how did that go away? | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| What killed talk radio? | ||
| Well, radio is just hurting in general. | ||
| I think it's these podcasts. | ||
| Do you think that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, it's because that was before podcasts. | ||
| Before we had ever done a podcast like this was off the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but satellite radio was killing them. | |
| Were podcasts really popular when Lycus was off the air? | ||
| We obviously weren't doing, but was anybody? | ||
| Yeah, podcasts were really popular and then it went away. | ||
| Then the iPhones kind of came out. | ||
| But that was pre-Corolla podcast. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Corolla still had the radio show. | ||
| Yeah, but it was satellite radio. | ||
| That's why Corolla was the morning show after a while, remember? | ||
| He took over when Howard went to satellite. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| What do people listen to in the morning in LA? Like, living in New York, I don't listen to the radio. | ||
| You used to be awesome. | ||
| That's one of the things that I used to love the most about driving to work and being stuck in traffic was that I was listening to Howard Stern. | ||
| Well, Howard Stern's not open. | ||
| No, he is. | ||
| He's still on. | ||
| But, I mean, on regular radio, regular radio, that doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| There's nobody like that anymore. | ||
| I mean, there are some morning shows like Kevin and Bean in L.A. Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, Kevin and Bean, they're huge, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're the last, the Mohicans. | ||
| Carson Daly and Seacrest, don't they have shows also? | ||
| Carson Daly has a radio show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought so. | |
| He used to. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know Seacrest does. | ||
| Seacrest has like 100,000 fucking jobs. | ||
| He must be insane. | ||
| Nobody works harder than that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Who puts in more hours a day than that guy? | ||
| He's on that E! show. | ||
| He's got a radio show. | ||
| He's on Star Search or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Dancing with the Stars. | ||
| What the fuck is he on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The big one. | |
| American Idol. | ||
| The big one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That show's still on, did you? | |
| I think it's amazing. | ||
| There is something. | ||
| What you're saying, there is something about... | ||
| People want to... | ||
| It's not greed. | ||
| It's like, I think that... | ||
| And I don't know Ryan Seacrest. | ||
| Big surprise. | ||
| But I think he wants his empire. | ||
| I think some people want their empire. | ||
| Well, I think he recognizes the opportunity. | ||
| He's a smart guy. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| And it is very smart, but maybe it's... | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I think it is a little crazy. | ||
| Probably a little crazy. | ||
| Don't you want to have a little fun? | ||
| Well, and also, he might just super... | ||
| The only thing he's into is entertainment. | ||
| That might be true, too. | ||
| Brian, what are you doing with the fucking thing, you crazy asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you doing with that effect? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm getting ready to go to the bathroom. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, so you're going to leave the screen like this? | ||
| Oh, I like that, dude. | ||
| That's very clever. | ||
| Do you feel weird when we're right next to each other on this video screen? | ||
| Can we just talk? | ||
| Let's look at the screen and let's see if we can have a conversation this way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try to kiss him. | |
| I bet we can't. | ||
| I bet we can't. | ||
| I don't know how to even get over there. | ||
| It's too weird. | ||
| It's like I'm not the brightest guy. | ||
| It's a weird thing to watch yourself talk. | ||
| I don't think that's healthy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not. | ||
| I was editing my special, and my wife and I were, and it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate it. | |
| The thing is, it's one thing. | ||
| It's like, I'm out of shape. | ||
| It's like, that's the beauty of not looking at yourself, is not realizing how out of shape you've gotten. | ||
| Not that I was easy to look at before I was out of shape. | ||
| Half your act is a little bit about self-indulgence and delicious things. | ||
| And gluttony. | ||
| Do you think that if you got yourself in spiffy condition, that might fuck up your material? | ||
| I've heard people say shit like that before. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You know, there was a point, you know, when, about a year ago, well, I was doing something else, but I thought, you know, I was working out, I had more time, so I was working out more consistently and not eating horribly at three in the morning. | ||
| And I was like, you know, it entered my mind. | ||
| It's like, am I going to be too in shape for some of these jokes? | ||
| But, I don't know, that's kind of, that's just me being neurotic, right? | ||
| Am I going to be too in shape for these jokes? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What a great escape clause. | ||
| My act is so important. | ||
| I can't do sit-ups. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'd work out, but I might mess up that third chunk in the hour. | ||
| This is so stupid, but I really believe this. | ||
| That I was getting into meditation and I was getting into yoga and a bunch of things when I was young. | ||
| And when I first started getting into comedy, I thought about it and I said, you know what? | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't do this because maybe becoming more enlightened is probably bad for my act. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Because then I wouldn't be making fun of as many things or picking as many victims. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Now, that's a comedian thinking there, right? | ||
| Especially Boston-style comedy is so mean. | ||
| So, you know... | ||
| It's attack style. | ||
| And I was thinking, man, if I became enlightened and I was all like, peace and love, this would be terrible for my act. | ||
| And I'm not going to stop being a comedian. | ||
| I wouldn't want to eat healthy. | ||
| I think I got another hour in me being fat, then I go healthy. | ||
| I own my fans. | ||
| Yeah, and then you run out of shit, and then you go healthy, and then nobody wants to come see you anymore. | ||
| Well, I used to be really thin. | ||
| I mean, I did. | ||
| I know you're looking at me like, no, you weren't. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| No, actually, I remember you being thin just, I mean, not even a decade ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long ago was it? | ||
| I don't know, eight years ago? | ||
| Who was the guy, there was a guy who was like a really funny fat guy, and then he lost a lot of weight, and then he kind of like stopped being around. | ||
| I want to say Vic something. | ||
| Vic Dunlap. | ||
| It's so funny I was thinking Vic Dunlap. | ||
| Yeah, very funny. | ||
| He's really, really heavy. | ||
| And then he lost a lot of weight. | ||
| Or he had the surgery. | ||
| Maybe he had the surgery. | ||
| I don't know if he did or he didn't, but whatever method he chose, maybe I'm just not up on what he's doing these days. | ||
| But I remember seeing that guy everywhere when he was big. | ||
| And then he got skinny and... | ||
| Don't hear about it too much. | ||
| No, well, you know, it's weird because we also, people will disappear and you don't even realize they're gone. | ||
| Yeah, that is weird, right? | ||
| The guys that you were like, I thought that guy was going to be around forever. | ||
| That guy was really funny. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is it women? | ||
| Is it getting married, having kids, you think? | ||
| It could be that. | ||
| It could be some people get tired of the stress. | ||
| You know, Jim and I, we're talking about how much we love stand-up, but we never quit doing it. | ||
| But everybody's got a different psychological makeup. | ||
| And for some people, the anxiety of performance is, like, really intense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also, I think that... | ||
| Some of it's luck. | ||
| It's a real cruel business. | ||
| I was definitely an angry guy. | ||
| A lot of people were successful before me and I was angry for a couple of years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How did you get yourself out of that? | ||
| Therapy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I came to the conclusion that I was not doing stand-up. | ||
| I was happy for my friend's success, but I felt like I was a failure. | ||
| But I had to come to the conclusion, what is success? | ||
| And what success is, is like doing what you love and actually getting paid for it. | ||
| And so then I adopted that attitude and then things started going my way. | ||
| And that's why I'm releasing a 12 book series. | ||
| That's interesting, man. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| I love hearing stuff like that. | ||
| I love hearing somebody figuring things out and just turning it all around. | ||
| A lot of wasted energy on Andrew. | ||
| That was really, yes. | ||
| A lot of wasted energy. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| I always say no haters are winners. | ||
| There's no people out there writing scathing YouTube comments where they just break down your fucking soul. | ||
| Those are not winners. | ||
| They're not happy. | ||
| There's no way you are. | ||
| You're wasting your energy. | ||
| You're wasting it. | ||
| Yeah, it's also, it's like you put out, you get what you put out. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| And it does make you feel, you know, like if you're feeling shitty and you help someone, you feel better. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Particularly if you steal from them while you're helping them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's just really nice to me to see someone kind of figure things out like that and get a new perspective on things. | ||
| But don't we have to learn these lessons like over and over and over? | ||
| I don't remember who said it, but they said that inspiration is effective, but it's like bathing. | ||
| It only lasts for so long. | ||
| That's why we recommend it daily. | ||
| And the idea being that, you know, I guess it's easy to fall into a pattern of just not having your shit together or not thinking right or, you know, letting yourself get jealous or letting yourself go down a negative way. | ||
| You know, people like this, it's a big cliche, like, you know, I'm just trying to keep it positive. | ||
| Sometimes what really keeping it positive means is addressing some shit that's not positive at all. | ||
| And getting to know what the fuck is making you tick. | ||
| And if you find out that you're getting angry for someone else's success for no reason, it's like your brain knows you're talented. | ||
| You know you're talented. | ||
| But why isn't anybody else seeing it? | ||
| Instead of your brain using that resource and going, let's just make sure it's undeniable. | ||
| Let's just concentrate on being funnier and funnier until no one can say shit. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's the undeniability thing. | ||
| But I think also, for me, I have to be in touch with being humble. | ||
| I know this is sounding really corny, but usually when I'm angry is when I think I'm in control. | ||
| I'm crazy enough to think that I can control the entertainment business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or I can control whether my flight's delayed. | ||
| That's just insane. | ||
| It's like, well, maybe if I'm angry to this flight attendant, the plane will take off sooner. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| So when I'm in touch with being humble, it ends up paying off. | ||
| Yeah, that's a very important aspect of comedy. | ||
| That's the 13th book of my series. | ||
| Well, we were talking about earlier about guys who wind up stealing material, and that stealing is the opposite of being humble. | ||
| You want more credit for who you are, what you're selling. | ||
| You're pretending it's better than it really is. | ||
| It's the exact opposite of humility, and that is the exact wrong state of mind to be in for creativity, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so fucking awesome that you figured that out, man. | ||
| I was, for sure, at a certain point in time early in my career, I really had a hard time enjoying comedy. | ||
| Because when someone would kill, when someone was really good, all I was thinking is, man, are they better than me? | ||
| Fuck, I hope they're not better than me, man. | ||
| Fuck, how good is that? | ||
| That guy's pretty fucking good. | ||
| It would bother me that something was good. | ||
| I couldn't just enjoy it. | ||
| I couldn't just sit back and watch. | ||
| It took a while before I figured that out, that that was holding me back, that I would work with people and if they were really good I would get nervous. | ||
| Instead of the way I do it now, I bring really funny people on the road with me on purpose because I want to be laughing too. | ||
| I work with Ari Shafir, I don't know if you know him, and Duncan Trussell, and Joey Diaz, and Tom Segura, all these really funny guys. | ||
| When I'm sitting there waiting to go on stage, I'm laughing my ass off, and it puts me in the perfect state of mind. | ||
| I want them to be brilliant. | ||
| I want them to kill. | ||
| But when I was young, I was terrified of it. | ||
| I didn't want anybody else to be any good. | ||
| I wanted them to be terrible so that I could fucking skate by on my shitty act. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's amazing how we evolve. | ||
| And I think it's insane how... | ||
| I think podcasts are making comedians... | ||
| Like, it's siphoning out... | ||
| I mean, I'm a jokesmith. | ||
| And it's adding, you know, discourse or kind of reflection back into stand-up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whereas it used to be like, well, it's the deal with keys, right? | ||
| And so now it's, I feel like, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but, you know, it's like podcasts are influencing some of this. | ||
| You know, it's like Pete Holmes even said that to me. | ||
| He said that his podcast is changing his act. | ||
| And I'm like, that makes sense. | ||
| It's got to be so fun to like, when you hear a bit and then you can go, you know what? | ||
| Because, you know, when you hang around some friends, you know, like three in the morning, you don't have someone recording it. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But like when you're doing a podcast and you're like, go back to like that in the middle. | ||
| I said something funny. | ||
| That might be a bit. | ||
| That might be a bit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I've definitely come up with some bits from the podcast, 100% for sure. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you're talking three hours at a pop, you know, many times. | ||
| We've done many three-hour ones. | ||
| We did a Kevin Smith one. | ||
| I think that was the longest one we ever did, like three and a half hours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's thanks to Twitter, too, for reminding you. | ||
| You'll say something and be like, oh, shit, I did say that. | ||
| Twitter is amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Twitter is changing how... | ||
| I mean, I've done things on Twitter, and I remember like a year ago, I did some jokes because we just had a kid, and I was driving to do a show, and the guy who was opening, he was like, you're going to put those in your act, aren't you? | ||
| And I was like, I didn't even think of that. | ||
| And he was like, yeah. | ||
| And it's like, they're great jokes. | ||
| And now Twitter is this source of like, is this funny? | ||
| I mean, 99% of the time, no, but... | ||
| If you can get two great lines that can open up a topic, that's amazing. | ||
| Well, you're going to get some tweets from this podcast, for sure, where people will tweet quotes that you said that made them laugh. | ||
| That happens all the time, right? | ||
| And you'll forget you even said it. | ||
| And then someone will tweet it. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| What's your numbers now? | ||
| What do you have for your Twitter followers? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's all I follow every day. | ||
| There's a strange obsession. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I think it's 960-something. | ||
| But I'm getting close. | ||
| 96? | ||
| 960? | ||
| 960. 960,000. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| But I've been working. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I've been working. | ||
| When you're in a million, are you going to feel different? | ||
| You know, I've only, over the past month or two, started to even have conversations on there. | ||
| Like, first of all, initially I was like, I'm not going to have a conversation. | ||
| Like, there's Twitter things. | ||
| We should go over this, and then I should go. | ||
| But here's the first one. | ||
| The first one is... | ||
| And some of my friends do this, so it's like to each their own. | ||
| It's like when someone says, Jim Gaffigan was awesome tonight... | ||
| Part of me, the desire is to retweet that, but that's almost bragging, right? | ||
| Yeah, you get a humble brag for that. | ||
| Right, and so then there's the... | ||
| So there's that. | ||
| And then there's even having conversations. | ||
| Like, I had always wanted my timeline to just be jokes. | ||
| Just jokes. | ||
| You know, like, maybe an appearance page list. | ||
| You know, it's like, I'll be in Tampa, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| By the way, I will be in Foxwoods on June 2nd. | ||
| No, and so because... | ||
| JimGaffigan.com? | ||
| JimGaffigan.com. | ||
| And so I would do that, but there's also something insane about that, because there is something social, and if your friend says something funny, it would be fun to respond. | ||
| So I've just been doing that for the past two months. | ||
| But how many people do you follow? | ||
| I follow a lot. | ||
| I follow a lot, too. | ||
| I follow over a thousand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It kind of sucks. | |
| I've been thinking about cutting my numbers down lately. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, but there's so many people who are like, dude, I tweeted for a week. | ||
| I've cut a few celebrities. | ||
| I was following some celebrities as a goof, and it's just moronic shit over and over again, and I'd get crazy, and I'd have to delete it. | ||
| Well, I've done that, but I also feel like that's kind of like inviting someone to dinner and then saying, sorry, you can't come, isn't it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, it's like... | ||
| How about when? | ||
| People unfollow me all the time, especially really douchey people. | ||
| I'm sure some woman will get mad at my not wanting women to be running things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I quote about that earlier. | ||
| You fucking sexist pig. | ||
| By the way, that all came from watching a woman yell and scream at a guy yesterday, pointing at his face in a ridiculous situation where I thought... | ||
| It could escalate to violence and I might have to step in as kind of craziness. | ||
| So that's just the origin of that. | ||
| Maybe not really. | ||
| Maybe I just made that up too. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| But we're going to agree with you. | ||
| Because we're sitting in a room with you. | ||
| But, uh, what was the, uh, thing about the Twitter thing? | ||
| It's how about this? | ||
| How about like when you have like, you know, a comedian, uh, you know, there's friends and then there's peers that you kind of know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you'll be like, Hey, you know, I'm going to send them a direct message. | ||
| And then you realize they don't follow you. | ||
| Isn't there a little bit like, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really, you don't follow me? | ||
| I've done that accidentally, though, and I apologize. | ||
| Like, I didn't realize I wasn't following somebody. | ||
| And there's people that I knew I was following that for some reason I wasn't following. | ||
| I've had that, too. | ||
| Twitter's been doing that a lot lately, and I think it's the iPhone. | ||
| I think if you have the iPhone, you'll have the app open, and then you could easily, like, hit it, you know, unfollow. | ||
| And accidentally unfollow someone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it happens to me all the time. | ||
| You know what else has happened? | ||
| I used to have a Blackberry and I had an iPhone at the same time. | ||
| And when I had my Blackberry, I would go and check a direct message on Twitter, and then I would go, I've got to respond to that eventually, but I don't have time right now. | ||
| And then I would go check it online, and there'd be no direct message. | ||
| It wouldn't exist anymore. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't delete it. | |
| Well, I do know that if they delete a message, it deletes it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| So somebody can send it to you, think that you didn't respond, just delete it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then there's another thing. | ||
| That I feel like a dick. | ||
| If you go to somebody's page and it says that you're not following them, if you hit refresh, a lot of times then it will say you're following them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like it just doesn't show up that you're following them. | |
| And so then you might click it thinking like, ah, I thought I was following this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, then you unfollow. | |
| And then that's unfollowing. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| So anytime you... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Great. | ||
| It's like, I exist with enough guilt already. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So anyway, I eventually have to go. | ||
| You gotta get out of here right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| What time is it? | ||
| Yeah, it's 8. Yeah, it's 8.17. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, listen, you sexy bitch. | ||
| This was fun, though. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| Please come by. | ||
| You're awesome, man. | ||
| Anytime you want to do it, please. | ||
| How often are you out here in LA? Not that often. | ||
| You live in New York City? | ||
| I've got four kids. | ||
| Four kids. | ||
| You live in Manhattan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, what is that like with four kids living in Manhattan? | ||
| It's like really hard. | ||
| Yeah, I would say, what do you do with them? | ||
| How do you take them places and stuff? | ||
| And we live in a two-bedroom. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Wow, and that's probably $100,000 a month, right? | ||
| Well, I own their place. | ||
| Fucking ridiculous, aren't they? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's the craziest way to live. | ||
| I'm sure my apartment is like half the size of your garage. | ||
| Wow, that's ridiculous. | ||
| And you must pay a shitload for it, too, right? | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I had a friend who's got a $4 million apartment, and I was like, this is $4 million. | ||
| This is $4 million. | ||
| This is like $1,600 a month in Burbank. | ||
| This is $4 million in New York. | ||
| This is fucking craziness. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Move to the West Coast and we'll start a podcast. | |
| Yeah, dude, if you ever want to come out here, man, you would be running shit. | ||
| I'm not a driver. | ||
| I don't drive. | ||
| You couldn't imagine the amount of anxiety when I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The 5? | |
| The 134? | ||
| It's like, I don't drive that much. | ||
| Marijuana and a navigation system, and you'll be fine. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| It's all figured out. | ||
| You'll never have to worry about how to drive. | ||
| You can't say that you could never live here because of the sun, because you wouldn't be outdoors that much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did a ginger. | |
| It's fine. | ||
| She just wears big hats. | ||
| Yeah, you'd be fine, dude. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| You're scared of the sun, for real? | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| Some of it is, I think, the entertainment business. | ||
| I don't know if I want to be that deep into it. | ||
| Yeah, you're probably right. | ||
| I know what that means. | ||
| You can live in a completely different world than New York. | ||
| People are, for sure, more informed. | ||
| You know, the caste system that exists in Hollywood. | ||
| Oh, he's on a network show, so he gets to go here. | ||
| And then here's an indie actor, so he jumps over you. | ||
| Oh, you're a comedian? | ||
| You can go back there with the mimes. | ||
| Is that how you feel when you're out here? | ||
| I think that there is a hierarchy here. | ||
| Well, I think that if you came out here, just if I was saying it, I was going to say, Jim Gaffin, this is what you could do. | ||
| If you came out here and started a fucking podcast and you'd have all the comics that are out here, or you could actually even do this in New York if you wanted to, but you would have a huge podcast. | ||
| I think it would be enormous, and I think it would change everything. | ||
| Change how you promote your club dates, your theater gigs, anything you're doing. | ||
| It would be amazing. | ||
| For sure, easily. | ||
| People would, right away, you'd be in the top five in iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why you do it here at Death Squad. | |
| You'd be in the top five in iTunes right away. | ||
| I'm 100% convinced. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| You'd be one of the few people that I would subscribe to. | ||
| Yeah, you're perfect for this, man. | ||
| I could do it with my wife. | ||
| Yeah, that's not a bad idea. | ||
| Tom Segura does it with his wife. | ||
| That only works out 50% of the time. | ||
| It only works out 50% of the time? | ||
| Well, you mean with couples? | ||
| Good thing you're not saying that. | ||
| You don't mean like Tom Segura. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| His shit sucks half the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just saying with couples. | |
| Let's just be clear. | ||
| Yeah, most of the time it causes a breakup. | ||
| So either way, it's a win. | ||
| It's a win-win. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Jim Gaffigan, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| And you can get his special, When and How? | ||
| April 11th. | ||
| April 11th. | ||
| Five dollars. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| At jimgaffigan.com. | ||
| Jimgaffigan.com. | ||
| G-A-F-F-I-G-A-N. Yes. | ||
| Dot com. | ||
| Dude, you're the fucking man. | ||
| Will it be available on iTunes or Amazon or any of those places? | ||
| Just Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Just Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Thank you very much for coming, sir. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I appreciate it. | |
| It's so fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's always fun to have a comic. | ||
| Especially a comic that I don't really get a chance to talk to that much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| This is fun. | ||
| Really cool. | ||
| Yeah, really cool. | ||
| Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our lovely podcast. | ||
| Please go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link. | ||
| Enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| You shave yourself 15% off. | ||
| You've heard this before. | ||
| What's behind us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Fleshlight. | |
| Pretty girls. | ||
| That's Little Lester. | ||
| That's a little kid, right? | ||
| No, she's a grown woman, actually. | ||
| She calls herself Little Lester. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She tattled on me for parking at the company. | |
| Oh, Little Lester. | ||
| Why'd you go negative on me? | ||
| Come and give me a hug and apologize to Brian. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain. | ||
| Go get yourself some. | ||
| Always 100% money back guarantee for the first order of 30 pills. | ||
| You know why it's not more? | ||
| Because there's some people out there that are assholes. | ||
| And it used to be you can have it all money back. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Whatever you bought. | ||
| 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| But then people were selling that shit. | ||
| So we had to stop doing that. | ||
| It's dirty, dirty people out there breaking the law. | ||
| Breaking the law. | ||
| Cutting through the rule systems. | ||
| Hacking the system. | ||
| They hacked the system, Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Anyway, Onnit.com, AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, the 5-HTP enhancement supplement. | ||
| As always, please, Google Nootropics. | ||
| Get yourself into that shit first. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Find out what the pros and cons. | ||
| And if you're interested in AlphaBrain, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| That's JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Yeah, not.com, who's a very nice guy, by the way. | ||
| Don't harass him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is he doing? | |
| He's a real estate salesman in Idaho, and he just sent me some email that was accidentally supposed to go to me, but it went to him. | ||
| What the fuck is this podcast still going on for? | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| We got a packed week. | ||
| Tomorrow, we have Jason Silva on Tuesday, Aubrey Marcus, and then on Wednesday, we got Matt from Hoarders, the guy who cleans up after those fucking crazy people. | ||
| So we got a busy week. | ||
| All right, you dirty freaks. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. | |
| Love you. | ||
| Olive Garden. |
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