Feb. 29, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:14
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, rookie move. | ||
| Is that your phone? | ||
| Are we live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Perfect. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| Hi, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| Why do I have to say it? | ||
| I don't have to say the name of it. | ||
| I can now say this podcast. | ||
| This shit you're listening to. | ||
| Costs money for bandwidth, folks. | ||
| And we are sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| But you know that! | ||
| You know I have to go through with this, though. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off. | ||
| I know you're going, Joe, that's crazy. | ||
| You're right, it is. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of people don't even know what the flashlight is, I've been realizing. | |
| Every time I say flashlight, they're like, what is it? | ||
| A flashlight? | ||
| Like somebody else just said that the other day, like Amy Schumer or something like that. | ||
| We always say it's the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Oh, she's playing stupid. | ||
| She doesn't know what a flashlight is? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For people that don't know, it's a sex toy that looks like a flashlight. | |
| When I hosted the Porn Awards, they were... | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| There's a... | ||
| You know, normally there's flowers in the middle of a big party and then you get to take the flowers home. | ||
| They had vibrators and fleshlights. | ||
| So I had like... | ||
| Of course, I had like five buddies come out from L.A. to be there. | ||
| And we all had one. | ||
| And we're running around to the strip clubs all night, you know, using it like a puppet, having fun with it, and laughing about it. | ||
| And then the next day, around noon, I call each of them. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| You fuck it? | ||
| They're like, yeah, you fuck it? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I fucked it. | ||
| We all fucked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was good, right? | |
| Once you have it, you're gonna fuck it. | ||
| Especially if you got some lube handy. | ||
| Oh, you got to have the lube, and then you got to have an exit. | ||
| You need an exit strategy. | ||
| Like, if you're in a hotel, what are you going to do? | ||
| Do you put it in your bag? | ||
| I carry on. | ||
| I didn't want that coming up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Security. | ||
| I didn't want it in the trash, because then the maid... | ||
| So I slipped it into the pocket of the bathrobe in the hotel to be discovered at a later date. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| Did you just slip it out of its shell or in its shell? | ||
| The whole thing went in. | ||
| Just right in there. | ||
| One package. | ||
| Clean or not cleaned? | ||
| Why would I clean it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Oh, of all the dark things to find in a fucking... | ||
| You put your robe on out of the shower. | ||
| Ah, what the... | ||
| What the fucking... | ||
| You open it up. | ||
| It smells like a million dead fish. | ||
| And guess what you do then? | ||
| Guess what you do then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You fuck it. | ||
| You fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wash it. | |
| Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Dorsing the Fleshlight. | ||
| We are also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, the cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
| Ooh, I gotta take mine before the show. | ||
| I don't want to be stupid, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me some of that new one. | |
| Okay, I got the new one at home. | ||
| I have to bring it in. | ||
| This is the old stuff. | ||
| See, I just took two. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Cognitive. | ||
| Watch how my senses will now flow better. | ||
| My mind will peak up. | ||
| Placebo effect, you say? | ||
| No, I'm just that quick at breaking down gelatin tablets. | ||
| I know how to... | ||
| My body knows how to process that shit. | ||
| We also have a bunch of other interesting supplements for working out, for immunity, for mood. | ||
| There's serotonin-boosting 5-HTP supplement. | ||
| A lot of cool shit. | ||
| And go to Onnit.com and you can check it all out. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. And use the code name ROGAN, and you save 10%. | ||
| Alright, you dirty freaks. | ||
| Probably, my friend, the longest in comedy. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is here. | ||
| Hit it, bitch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day! | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night! | ||
| All day! | ||
| See that's how you have that musical opening. | ||
| It's very important if you want to have a show. | ||
| Greg and I started out probably within like a week of each other, right? | ||
| Back in Boston. | ||
| The old Boston Stitches comedy community, you know, and dude, you and I have gone through some fucking... | ||
| We went to some crazy gigs in the beginning, man. | ||
| We went through together, we went through like the darkest time for stand-ups. | ||
| The early days of... | ||
| Yeah, we went through our personal darkest days, but at the lightest time in comedy. | ||
| The best time ever. | ||
| We caught the wave. | ||
| I see young comics today, and my heart breaks because they got to scrounge up stage time. | ||
| You and I, I would say, what, less than a year into doing stand-up, we were driving out and making 50 bucks cash five, six nights a week. | ||
| It was for me, it was exactly one year. | ||
| I first got paid by Norm LaFoe to open up for Warren McDonald. | ||
| Peking Garden? | ||
| I don't know where it was. | ||
| It was some bar. | ||
| I was on like an apple box. | ||
| Like literally. | ||
| Like standing on an apple box doing comedy. | ||
| You can't fucking move. | ||
| And, you know, I had a good time. | ||
| And then the next time I lurked for Lenny Clark. | ||
| Those were two times in a row. | ||
| I got super lucky. | ||
| Norm LaFoe, like, got me a couple of jokes. | ||
| Well, you shot up. | ||
| You motherfucker, man. | ||
| It was like, all of us were like, there was this ascension. | ||
| You would go, you'd wait in line to get a spot on Comedy Hell. | ||
| Open mic night. | ||
| Stitches Comedy Club. | ||
| George McDonald would go, welcome to Comedy Hell, where the jokes always die. | ||
| The comedians, it was this whole thing. | ||
| And we ran out of booze. | ||
| Comedy Hell where you can fly as high as the lights on Broadway or crash and burn in a fiery pit known only as Comedy Hell. | ||
| And that was step one. | ||
| And then you would get like a guest spot on a real show. | ||
| And then you would start to get these like, you know, $25 to $50 MC spots where you were driving the headliner somewhere. | ||
| And you jumped past all that shit because they would send you out to feature and the headliners couldn't follow you because you were out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I mean, you were nuts. | ||
| And so they had to headline you. | ||
| So you started working like the D rooms by headlining them. | ||
| So you started to get an hour together super fast. | ||
| Yeah, I had to. | ||
| I had to sink or swim. | ||
| There's times when Greg and I would make agreements to steal each other's shit if we were bombing. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| We'd say, dude, you got my whole act. | ||
| If you're eating dick up there, feel free to just... | ||
| And you would come back, dude, that blowjob joke killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're going back to Peabody, you might want to wait on it for a couple of weeks. | |
| Yeah, you may want to let the heat die out of that joke. | ||
| It was fun for us because we knew. | ||
| Neither one of us should. | ||
| There was a point in time where both of us were doing middling gigs and we really didn't have the time. | ||
| We really didn't have a real solid half hour. | ||
| So sometimes you just... | ||
| When you're a young comic and you slip in the beginning of your set, the odds of you pulling yourself out of the fire are... | ||
| I remember one time I was having a good set and I knocked over a drink and I didn't address it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| The audience turned on me. | ||
| They smelled blood. | ||
| They knew I was scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They knew I was... | |
| I was killing. | ||
| Everything was going great. | ||
| It's all about their uncomfort and you denying... | ||
| I remember being on... | ||
| This was probably the cruelest thing anybody ever did to me when I was on stage. | ||
| It was like, you know, half-filled room. | ||
| It was always like the back of a Chinese restaurant where they had a banquet room that they just put a microphone up in and call it a comedy night. | ||
| And... | ||
| I'm up there tanking it, and I'm not acknowledging that I'm tanking it. | ||
| And during one of the silences that should have had laughter in it after one of my jokes, I heard this middle-aged woman whisper to her husband. | ||
| I could hear her whisper. | ||
| And she just goes, the poor bastard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Worse than any heckle. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You know, it would be real hard when we'd watch each other. | ||
| You know, you watch a friend eat dick in the beginning, too, because you know how devastating it is. | ||
| You know, there's some times where you know this guy is not going to pull himself out of this, and he has 15 more minutes to go. | ||
| You just watch them slosh through it up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there a way out of it? | |
| What do you have to do? | ||
| Do you just have to stop? | ||
| We would just steal each other's material. | ||
| That's where we'd come in. | ||
| That's where we'd steal a great joke. | ||
| I knew that there were grenades that I had in my waistband that were Joe's bits. | ||
| That they would just take the fucking top off and lob it and you're back in the game. | ||
| Yeah, it's like we would help each other. | ||
| There was a time where I was headlining where I had no fucking business headlining. | ||
| There was no way. | ||
| I barely had 40 minutes and they were letting me headline these rooms and I would have to stretch it all out. | ||
| And if something went wrong, man, it went wrong hard. | ||
| There's no better motivation to creating new material than when those shows happen and you just fucking have to get to work. | ||
| You need more weapons, man. | ||
| You run out of weapons too quick. | ||
| You're up there dying. | ||
| Well, especially like you can do the hour when it's going well, you can take that one bit and you can stretch it out, add shit to it. | ||
| You're doing improvisational jazz and that hour fills up. | ||
| But when they're not laughing, all of a sudden it's like concentrate. | ||
| Everything shrinks down. | ||
| And now what you had as 35 minutes... | ||
| You just ripped through in 17. And now you're scared, so you're tense. | ||
| And then you've got nowhere to go except the crowd. | ||
| So you start fucking with the crowd. | ||
| They don't like you now. | ||
| They don't like you. | ||
| You're not making them comfortable. | ||
| So there's not a nice flow of energy. | ||
| You're uncomfortable. | ||
| You can feel it. | ||
| And the thing about Boston is, and I think it was kind of unique to a lot of other comedy cities, is it is a punchline town. | ||
| It's bam, bam, bam, bam. | ||
| You know, they don't want to see something esoteric. | ||
| They don't want to see a storyteller. | ||
| They want you to grab them and just smack them around and then walk off stage with your hands in the air. | ||
| Well, there were guys that were doing it that were so good at it. | ||
| The best! | ||
| Yeah, we came up in an era where, you know, I've talked about this a hundred times on the podcast and people always go, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We know they were really good comedians back then. | ||
| I don't think people even understand what a... | ||
| It was like a utopia. | ||
| Boston was like this stand-up comedy utopia. | ||
| At one point in time, there was five clubs in a tiny little area. | ||
| Seven night-a-week clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Just that one block of Warrantan. | ||
| Warrantan. | ||
| There was Nick's Comedy Stop, and then there was Duck Soup, and then there was a Comedy Connection, and then Mike... | ||
| Mike Clark had the comedy club in the Charles Playhouse above the comedy convention. | ||
| And then on the weekends, you cut over to Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault about 50 yards away. | ||
| Craziness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you get in your car and you drive down the stitches on Com Ave. | ||
| It's like, holy shit. | ||
| Well, and the best part really was, and those were for short sets. | ||
| You're doing five, seven minutes. | ||
| Those were the big clubs. | ||
| Those were the big ones, but then you and I would get... | ||
| And this is the thing people don't get today, is that we would get it for a year. | ||
| Either you get in my car or I get in yours. | ||
| We'd drive to Providence one night for a 15, 20-minute set for free. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Then we'd go to Hartford one night. | ||
| Then we'd go to Worcester one night. | ||
| Then we'd go to Maine one night. | ||
| We would go anywhere they'd give us, especially a longer set. | ||
| And then we were lucky enough to come up in a time where... | ||
| The word comedy in front of a place drew a crowd. | ||
| You didn't need to have a big name. | ||
| They just were comedy crazy. | ||
| And we just happened to be dropped in the middle of it in a city that was a closed system. | ||
| They didn't have headliners come in from out of town. | ||
| So there were four or five big local headliners that drew. | ||
| And the clubs, otherwise, they only booked based on, do you crush? | ||
| Are you funny? | ||
| Are you original? | ||
| So it was a meritocracy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no one ever thought they were going to get famous. | ||
| Career? | ||
| If someone used the word career, people would have looked at them confused, like, what are you talking about? | ||
| All anyone wanted to do was become a big Boston comic. | ||
| It's like the fame that you wanted was just being accepted amongst your peers and having crowds come to see you. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Even the crowds come to see you, I think, wasn't until later. | ||
| I think for us it was just... | ||
| It's like, you know when you're first fucking a girl and you can't believe she's letting you fuck her after jerking off for three straight years? | ||
| That's what it was like when I was doing stand-up in Boston. | ||
| They're allowing me these stages that I've watched since I was a teenager in awe. | ||
| All of a sudden, I'm on it and they're letting me talk. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That's all I needed. | ||
| You know, one of the first guys I ever saw do a live set was Tom Cotter. | ||
| Tom Cotter was one of the first guys. | ||
| He's our buddy from Boston. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| And he was in like some sort of, the first time I ever went, some sort of an open mic night. | ||
| And he was like the first guy that ever went on stage. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I swear to God, same thing. | ||
| He was like a knot. | ||
| He had started maybe two years ahead of us. | ||
| That guy always used to bum me out. | ||
| And the reason why he used to bum me out is because he was so fucking funny to hang out with. | ||
| But he wanted to take it down a notch. | ||
| And he wanted to like, oh, maybe I shouldn't go so dirty. | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't. | ||
| And you wanted to go, dude, that's you when you're at your best. | ||
| You're a pervert. | ||
| You're a crazy, twisted pervert. | ||
| He is one of the most twisted dudes ever. | ||
| And I don't want to... | ||
| I'd rather have him on. | ||
| We should have him on and do it together because his stories, the shit that he would do, I can't... | ||
| I can't say it on the air. | ||
| And I can say anything on the air. | ||
| But the shit Tom Cotter did... | ||
| He was one of the first guys I know that would walk around with his balls hanging out of his pants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the first guys. | ||
| Like, no one was doing that back when we were 20. You know, we were like 21 or whatever the hell we were. | ||
| And Tom Cotter's rocking around with his balls hanging out of his pants. | ||
| We're like, Jesus... | ||
| Yeah, it'd be a Christmas party, and all the comics are there, and he would have hams on his hips, too. | ||
| It wasn't like he was hiding. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I remember at one point, we were at somebody's house, and there was a dog. | ||
| It was Oliver's dog, and he had rescued one of those greyhounds. | ||
| I think Tom was putting a dill pickle up its ass in the middle of the party. | ||
| Like, we were both beyond children. | ||
| We were like fucking... | ||
| We were like a collection of bad kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Part of the fun of having a guy like Tom Cotter, too, is because you knew that he would do something like that. | ||
| You knew he would one-up things. | ||
| You knew if there was a bunch of comics hanging around, Cotter would find a way to make something fucked up. | ||
| I always felt like he kind of pulled back on stage, though. | ||
| In terms of practical jokes, guys like Kevin Knox, may he rest in peace, was one of those guys just fucking... | ||
| So fucking funny offstage. | ||
| And so me, Cotter, and Noxie are working at a place in Maine called the Laughing Lobster, which started to have slow business and suddenly burnt down in the middle of a wet summer. | ||
| And so we're up there and we're staying. | ||
| There's a condo complex that we're staying in, which was pretty upscale. | ||
| And they got a pool. | ||
| And there was all these hot fucking chicks from Montreal that come down to that part of Maine. | ||
| So we're going to go down to the pool and I don't have my bathing suit. | ||
| And they're like, fuck it. | ||
| You got boxer shorts. | ||
| Just wear your boxer shorts down. | ||
| So they head down, and I walk down to the pool. | ||
| I open the gate, and I walk in, and it's packed, and they're on the far end of the pool. | ||
| And I make it about halfway down the pool, and they both stand up and start screaming, Greg, what are you doing in your underwear? | ||
| And the whole fucking pool starts laughing at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You turned around, red-faced, and ran back to the condo. | |
| Set me up the whole time. | ||
| It is a funny thing, though. | ||
| There is a fucking distinction between, you know, a pair of shorts and boxer shorts. | ||
| It's just the thickness of the cloth at that point. | ||
| Well, it's the same thing of, like, you see women in bikinis on the beach all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's underwear. | |
| And it's fine. | ||
| You see men in underwear, you lose your shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I saw, you know Natasha Leggero? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She was on my podcast last week and she asked me to do, she does a show at Largo, which is like, you know, one of those- Hipster. | ||
| Natasha and Friends. | ||
| And so she brings me on. | ||
| She's about to bring me on. | ||
| She goes, I just got to change outfits. | ||
| She was putting on some kind of costume for this bit. | ||
| So she goes in the next room, but there's mirrors everywhere, and I can see her, and she gets down to a thong and those little things that hold your tits up underneath. | ||
| You just sat there and watched it? | ||
| No, I swear to God, I was going over my notes and it was like bing, bing, bing off the mirrors and I got a complete shot and just a beautiful, beautiful body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have taken a photo. | |
| You should have just started stroking it. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a lock of your hair. | |
| You were just grabbing your own balls and just... | ||
| Real weird. | ||
| Working the head. | ||
| A lot of twisty shit on the head. | ||
| Go overhand on it. | ||
| A lot of weird twisty shit on the head. | ||
| Spitting on it. | ||
| So then she brings me on. | ||
| Of course, I have to say it in front of the theater. | ||
| I just saw her in her underwear and I can't really speak. | ||
| So she came on my show. | ||
| And I was just like, yeah, it's weird. | ||
| I mean, if it had been a bathing suit, it wouldn't have struck me. | ||
| But seeing somebody, especially my favorite thing is, strip clubs do nothing for me. | ||
| But if I happen to see a woman naked through a window in an apartment, nudity doesn't get better than that. | ||
| It has to be found like voyeur nudity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian, don't you have the same thing with, like, you watching amateur porn? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I can't even do regular porn because I know there's, like, five cameramen in there. | |
| I'd rather have, like, stolen laptop porn, you know, or, like, ex-boyfriend getting revenge by sending out photos and videos of, like, his ex-girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I need. | |
| I need realistic. | ||
| Same reason why I can't watch, like, a TV show with a laugh track. | ||
| I feel like it's fake, you know? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, have you seen my new favorite porn, which is the casting couch stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, casting catches. | |
| But you can't even believe that. | ||
| That's all fake. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| That is not fake. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| Don't say it to Greg. | ||
| There's two moments I look for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| One is the hello when they come in. | ||
| I want to see if there's a... | ||
| Because, look, I studied acting, and we spent fucking six months on answering a door in a scene and how you react to not knowing what's on the other side of the door, opening it, and then is it real? | ||
| I look for that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then the moment that it goes from... | ||
| I'm here to do a topless photo shoot to... | ||
| He says, I want you to suck my dick. | ||
| It's always... | ||
| You'll make $1,000 to $5,000 a day. | ||
| I'm the producer. | ||
| I make the tape. | ||
| I send it to the buyers. | ||
| It goes through me. | ||
| We want to see if you can follow direction. | ||
| And the girl's on... | ||
| She's online. | ||
| She wants a job. | ||
| She hears the money. | ||
| All of a sudden, the fucking morality goes way down. | ||
| And then the moment always builds to where he goes, I want you to suck my dick. | ||
| And you see them go fucking vacant. | ||
| You see their eyes just go like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And I'm telling you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you know what though? | |
| It's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have to have sex tests before, like STD tests before. | |
| They have to have paperwork. | ||
| They have to have a location shoot given by the city to have a permit to shoot in the house. | ||
| It's in Arizona. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but they still have to have tests. | |
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No tests in Arizona? | |
| My friend is the head in the health department of California. | ||
| He's the head of STDs. | ||
| And they've been fighting. | ||
| You know, they had a big breakthrough last week where they have to wear condoms in L.A. County now. | ||
| How can you call that a breakthrough? | ||
| Because it's a workplace. | ||
| People should not die of AIDS in a workplace that's legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's more realistic that they're wearing condoms. | |
| That's what I assume. | ||
| They're allowed to take it off and still do the bukkake shot to the face. | ||
| They can freestyle that. | ||
| That doesn't give you AIDS, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| Would you take AIDS-ridden loads on your face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It depends on if the guy was white or black. | |
| There's a couple of things you've okayed before the white-black thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. | ||
| Put your money where your mouth is. | ||
| Yeah, it seems... | ||
| I mean, look, I absolutely agree with testing and all that stuff, but I don't want to watch porn unless they're not wearing a condom. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sounds gross. | ||
| Maybe I'm disgusting. | ||
| If they're going to do a test for me to feel good about porn, I want to know that her parents are no longer living. | ||
| I don't want to know that there's a dad out there that might see this someday. | ||
| Well, the last thing I want to know is that she's doing it because she didn't have the love of her parents. | ||
| And if her parents are dead, that's the first thing I'm going to think of. | ||
| And then it's a boner killer right there, son. | ||
| Yeah, but do you want to be thinking that while you're jerking off, her dad's jerking off, finds the clip, can you imagine jerking off and then your daughter pops up? | ||
| That would be... | ||
| Is that a suicide moment? | ||
| There was a... | ||
| Because you've already got the erection. | ||
| It's not like you stumbled on it flaccid. | ||
| You rock hard, you change clips, as we do, and then it pops up. | ||
| Your daughter, naked, having sex, you've got an erection, your dick's probably in your hand. | ||
| Suicide moment? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you just stopped beating off. | ||
|
unidentified
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Why would you do that? | |
| Wait, how old is his daughter supposed to be? | ||
| You know, like, you go, listen, I just learned some disturbing news, and as soon as I get rid of this load, I am going to address the situation. | ||
| You've got to prioritize. | ||
| Jump right back on it. | ||
| You're looking. | ||
| This doesn't have to stop. | ||
| This is this boner that's been achieved. | ||
| A boner that's been achieved should be released. | ||
| So you're saying open a new window, minimize that one. | ||
|
unidentified
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Don't tease your dick. | |
| Come back to it. | ||
| Just because your dick didn't make the mistake. | ||
| Your daughter made the mistake. | ||
| So give your dick its medicine. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Your dick is really more important than your daughter. | ||
| Could you imagine if you just kept going, like, God damn it, I'm gonna yell at her! | ||
| I am gonna yell at you! | ||
| It accentuates your orgasm, because now you get too mad at somebody. | ||
| What if you came and it was your best orgasm ever, and you realize, and it's the kind of nirvana that if you can't get back to it, you don't know what you'll do? | ||
| Chasing the dragon. | ||
| You gotta keep chasing that dragon. | ||
| And that dragon's your daughter. | ||
|
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What would you do? | |
| Watching your daughter, but you can only be shocked by it once. | ||
| Unless you just became a freak and you were into watching your daughter get fucked. | ||
| That's like those 70s porn movies. | ||
| It was always like the preacher, dad, and his daughter. | ||
| They used to go fucking deep on those 70s. | ||
| Like, do you watch Dave's old porn at all on Showtime? | ||
| David Tell's show? | ||
| No, I haven't seen it. | ||
| It's him watching classic old porn with the actors from it. | ||
| And I watched one of them, and it was like, it was a preacher, dad, and he ends up, you know, hitting on his daughter and seducing her, and then they fuck. | ||
| And that's what a lot of those movies were. | ||
| They were really Oedipal, and there was a lot of, like, rapey stuff. | ||
|
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Rapey? | |
| Yeah! | ||
| Rapey. | ||
| Not full-on rapey. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting how times have changed when it comes to treating women. | ||
| There was something I was watching, that J. Edgar Hoover show, the movie, rather, with Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| Pretty good movie. | ||
| But one of the most interesting aspects of it is how the G-Man, before the G-Man became like the symbol that everybody wanted to achieve, and everybody wanted to be a G-Man, all these young kids growing up. | ||
| Before, it was like James Cagney playing like these gangsters. | ||
| White Heat. | ||
| And he would always like smush something in the girl's face, or slap her in the face, and like, hey, hey, guys would be laughing. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, look at all the violence that they would do to women. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Women would say something crazy, and they would smack! | ||
| Right across the face. | ||
|
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To the moon. | |
| And everybody was cool with it. | ||
| It's like they were the men that were taking control of the situation. | ||
| Like, she needed a smack right there. | ||
| Yeah, she had something... | ||
| Like, you were helping her. | ||
| She had lost it, and you were helping her get back. | ||
| Like, I remember The Quiet Man with John Wayne. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| It was like his wife was... | ||
| The brother was supposed to give him a dowry, and he didn't. | ||
| And he fucking drags her through the fields by her hair, slapping her. | ||
| And the town's cheering. | ||
| And you're watching... | ||
| And it's like a feel-good movie. | ||
| And you're, like, happy that he's finally standing up to his wife and... | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Do you remember High Plains Drifter when he rapes the chick in a barn? | ||
| John Wayne? | ||
| Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Clint Eastwood raped a chick in a barn, and it's like the way he treated her, it's like, yeah, that's what guys used to do. | ||
| They would hold a girl down, pull her pants down, and just fuck her if they could get away with it, if no one was around. | ||
| That is what they would do. | ||
| You know what occurred to me the other day? | ||
| Are we the only species that doesn't... | ||
| Rape? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, is there sex between any other animals that's consensual? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, there is. | |
| There's one animal. | ||
| I can't remember what it is right now. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Of course there is. | ||
| Yeah, women want to get fucked. | ||
| I mean, they do in our society, too. | ||
| They just don't want to get fucked by all the men. | ||
| Hence the problem. | ||
| The problem is that there's judgment. | ||
| The problem is that it's not that people on this side don't want to fuck, can't find people on that side willing to fuck. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| It's just there's a lot of judgment going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are deciding, no, I don't like you. | ||
| No, I don't want you. | ||
| They want some dick. | ||
| They just don't want your dick. | ||
| And that gets people angry. | ||
| Hence the rapey. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| So it's sociological. | ||
| It's not biological. | ||
| There's biological and sociological. | ||
| But it was purely biological. | ||
| It could all be cured with masturbation. | ||
| There's a sociological aspect to it that women are not attracted to you and you get angry. | ||
| You want to force yourself on them because it's what you want. | ||
| You want them to want you to fuck them. | ||
| They don't want to fuck you. | ||
| You're gross. | ||
| You're gross to them. | ||
| Me, specifically? | ||
| No, not you. | ||
| It's whoever we're talking about. | ||
| It's a rapist. | ||
| You're not a rapist. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| So, I think, you know, it's more psychological, I think, and sociological than it even is physiological. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're raping and you have no arms. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's not rape. | ||
| If you're, like, holding a girl down with your stubs and you're fucking her. | ||
| Oh, you don't have arms. | ||
| Yeah, you can't masturbate. | ||
| So this is the only reason you're just like, look, I don't want to rape anybody, but I gotta do what I gotta do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta think, if you get raped by a guy with no arms, were you really trying not to be raped? | ||
| Dude, I bet you there's a lot of dudes with no arms that could rape the fuck out of you. | ||
| Real strong ones. | ||
| Like farmhand guys. | ||
| Just two stubs. | ||
| Just a big guy with some thick thighs. | ||
|
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Yeah, yeah. | |
| Guy who knows how to pin you down with his weight. | ||
| Wait, does he put his dick in me or the arm? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
|
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Ugh. | |
| The arm is just loosening your asshole up for his cock, because that's how big his cock is. | ||
|
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|
Damn! | |
| How about that? | ||
| See, it's a trick movie. | ||
| You think, well, this guy's going to use his stuff. | ||
| Holy shit, he's going to ruin it for the penis. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And you're not looking back. | ||
| You don't know if it's the arm of the dick. | ||
| You don't even care anymore. | ||
| You're milking a cow. | ||
| You're just loving it. | ||
| You're so happy that you're not in your mom's care anymore. | ||
| I love those summer outreach programs. | ||
| No, but it is interesting, though, because that was the whole, you know, feminist movement was saying that rape was a crime of power and not a crime of biology. | ||
| But then kind of now the new thinking on it by the postmodern feminists is that that was bullshit, that no, it is men get horny, and it is partially what you're saying, that it is about, you know, I've been rejected and I'm more physically powerful, so I'm going to rape. | ||
| But that there is also, like, guys that are so fucking wired for sex And something's off and that it's about the physical act of sex as well. | ||
| It's not purely one or the other. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's a broad spectrum. | ||
| A lot of reasons to rape. | ||
| It's just one more bullying. | ||
| One more example of people trying to get people to do things that they don't want to do. | ||
| There's a lot of people that like to do that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that like to be the boss. | ||
| They like to get people to do things they don't want to do. | ||
| They like to yell at people. | ||
| There's a lot of people that would love to be a cop just so they could yell Yeah. | ||
| A lot of judgment going on with human beings, you know? | ||
| Yeah, and religion is, is it a manifestation of that or the cause of that? | ||
| It's a manifestation, I think. | ||
| I think if it wasn't a religion, somebody would make something up. | ||
| We look so hard for someone to have the answers that it's almost impossible for someone with a big ego to not take advantage. | ||
| So some crazy dude would come along with the answers all of a sudden, and then boom, you'd have a new religion. | ||
| So our longing, you know, it's like we have... | ||
| An amazing ability to control our environment right now, you know, with planes and the internet and our physical infrastructure of our cities is an amazing ability, but yet we're still trying to figure out why the fuck we're here, what is sex and breeding, what is the purpose of making more people if I'm just going to die and everyone else is going to die eventually too? | ||
| What is our purpose here? | ||
| What the fuck is this really all about? | ||
| Isn't it amazing that that is really the core? | ||
| Those three or four questions you just asked, there is no close second to importance in questions in life, and they're the ones you never hear talked about. | ||
| And when everyone brings them up, you belittle it. | ||
| It's like, yeah, man. | ||
| You're depressed. | ||
| If you're thinking like that, you're depressed. | ||
| I wouldn't want to be you, man. | ||
| I had a friend who was a very nice guy, but he's a Mormon. | ||
| And him and his wife had dinner with me, and they were asking me about higher powers, if I believed in higher power. | ||
| And I said, I don't not believe. | ||
| I don't disbelieve. | ||
| It's never been proven to me, but it might be possible. | ||
| And the woman actually said, I don't think I could sleep if I thought that way. | ||
| If I had those questions not answered, I go, wow. | ||
| But what if there was no answer? | ||
| What if there really was no answer? | ||
| It's not like you couldn't get them answered. | ||
| It's like the answer doesn't exist right now. | ||
| You don't have access to it. | ||
| So everything else is just speculation. | ||
| At a certain point in time, we have to accept that. | ||
| We have to accept the fact that there's too much evidence that people are full of shit and these stories are terrible. | ||
| Well, I think God in most languages is interpreted as the unknowable. | ||
| In a sense, it puts the onus on you. | ||
| I don't think that true spirituality comes out of more of that idea of Taoism, where there is this force of nature that is positive and flows, and by humbling your ego, you can become a part of that force. | ||
| That's as clear as that. | ||
| As close as I think, if you really boil down most Eastern thought, it comes down to that selflessness and getting into a place where the power, obviously something is making the flowers bloom, the sun's setting at the same time, all the shit that you can count on. | ||
| There's a cycle. | ||
| There's a cycle. | ||
| And it works on a micro level and a macro level. | ||
| It's all consistent in a way that you go, all right, there's something. | ||
| But then to say that you know what that is is where the bullshit starts. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| To me, it always starts with a, like what you were saying, there's a volcano. | ||
| People get scared and there's always one guy who's so fucking cocky that he goes, he's always got a robe. | ||
| There's always a guy in a robe. | ||
| It's got, I'm gonna go talk to God. | ||
| He doesn't talk to you. | ||
| He'll talk to me and he just decides that and then he leaves for a little while and he comes back and goes, here's what he said. | ||
| You guys should give me 10%. | ||
| That was his first thing. | ||
| And then this other shit that's gonna placate all your fears and is gonna make you ashamed, which will make you feel comfortable. | ||
| It's just a pimp game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always been. | ||
| There's no answers. | ||
| That's what people need to know. | ||
| But the idea that there's no God, that there's absolutely no deity, absolutely there's no intelligence to the whole process, I don't believe that either. | ||
| I don't see any evidence that there isn't a very distinct mathematical progression to everything in the universe. | ||
| And I don't know if you can say that there's not a purpose for that. | ||
| I don't know if you can define if an intelligent form of life or consciousness or whatever the fuck it is created it or if it's just the ethic of the universe that things always get more complicated, including intelligent life and technology and all these different things. | ||
| It's just everything will continue to get more complicated, period. | ||
| That's how the universe works. | ||
| I mean, that might be it. | ||
| Well, if you look at it, I always say to people that are completely, you know, Which is the one where you don't believe in any God at all? | ||
| Agnostic. | ||
| Agnostic is nothing. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Agnostic is you don't know. | ||
| You don't believe there is a God. | ||
| You don't believe there's not a God. | ||
| It hasn't been proven. | ||
| Atheism is a lack. | ||
| Total denial of any God. | ||
| It's a lack of a non-belief in a deity, a non-theism. | ||
| Well, atheist, I will say, too. | ||
| Okay, so then that means that you're purely Darwinist. | ||
| Evolution, that it's the survival of the fittest. | ||
| I think you can be an atheist and still be open to something fucking crazy that no one's ever considered. | ||
| It just hasn't been proven yet. | ||
| I don't think any atheist is absolutely positive that when they die, the energy ceases to exist, and they do not pass into another form of existence. | ||
| I don't think people are saying that. | ||
| I think what they're saying is that I don't buy religion. | ||
| I'm not buying the God concept. | ||
| I'm not buying the man in the sky. | ||
| I'm not buying any of that. | ||
| I think that's what they're saying. | ||
| And the agnostics are kind of like riding the fence on that. | ||
| They don't want to piss people off. | ||
| So they're like, well, who knows? | ||
| Sort of an AA belief in God. | ||
| The higher power. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The 12-step guy. | ||
| Because if you deny that there's any kind of... | ||
| There was this movie that people hated that I actually really like called Tree of Life. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Tree of Life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| It was really spacey. | ||
| There were no words for 45 minutes. | ||
| And the theme of it was grace versus nature. | ||
| And it got me thinking a lot about if you're going to be a pure evolutionist and believe that science is this thing that in infinite possibilities we are one possibility. | ||
| And that all the things that are happening right now are a result of complete, freaky, but yet logical science. | ||
| And I say, well, if that's true, and evolution's the key, why do we have handicap ramps? | ||
| Why do we have welfare? | ||
| Why do we have affirmative action? | ||
| It wouldn't exist. | ||
| You know, liberals are the ones that believe that there is no God, or that they downplay the God thing, and they're the ones that are constantly promoting what I would call grace, you know, kindness. | ||
| Kindness doesn't exist in the animal kingdom. | ||
| It's like what we were talking about with rape. | ||
| You know, not raping is kindness, because you could rape, But you don't. | ||
| That's grace. | ||
| Something is in us, whether it's shame sociologically, but if you look at it more in the bigger picture of I'm a liberal, and yet I am voting against my best interests because there's something in me. | ||
| And I don't believe in any prescribed religion, but there's something in me in my gut that feels like Jesus did, you know? | ||
| So you can't have both. | ||
| You can't have evolution and completely deny that there is some kind of a spirit within our process as humans that's guiding us towards something kinder than complete survival of the fittest. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what the one thing that we are. | ||
| We're an animal, but we're also the next stage of animals where we're aware of who we are and we contemplate our existence. | ||
| And when you contemplate your existence and you're an intelligent life form, you should always be seeking to improve. | ||
| If you're always seeking to improve, the thing that you look at is like, what has brought me the most positive results? | ||
| Well, it's kindness. | ||
| It's kindness. | ||
| Friendship. | ||
| The connection with human beings on a very positive level where you build up a trust and you have warmth and friendship and you root for each other and you share in each other's bounty and you build together. | ||
| We all know inherently in our heads that kindness is like one of the best gifts you can bestow another human being. | ||
| Whether it's giving them food when they don't have any or helping them out or hooking them up or doing something to help them. | ||
| Or being around them and complimenting them. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| We know that inherently that feels great. | ||
| And we know it. | ||
| We know that that's the next. | ||
| We have to figure out how to use our resources together so that we can be like that all the time. | ||
| Well, as a person, I see it because I know when I was younger, like you, super fucking competitive. | ||
| You know, just look at stand-up. | ||
| I mean, you and I, I think, probably pushed ourselves as hard as we possibly could for about 10 years nonstop. | ||
| And then I got to a certain age where, like, now... | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Hanging out with you today just felt so fucking great. | ||
| Yeah, we had a good time. | ||
| Somebody has a shared history with you that has similar visions on life and things. | ||
| That wasn't as important to me when I was in my early 20s. | ||
| All I cared about was competing, winning. | ||
| Creatively, I enjoyed it all. | ||
| But I think as you get older, you start to really understand what you just said, that the kindness and the connection is where it's all at. | ||
| You look at all these studies on, they're doing a lot of sort of quantifiable happiness, you know, studies on what brings us happiness. | ||
| It always comes down, it's never about money. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's always about doing what you actually want to be doing with your life as far as if you have an inner creative expression to get out. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that always wanted to be singers and they just for whatever reason never pursued it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they just sing around their house and they always wonder what could have been if they just tried to be a singer. | ||
| That's one form of, that could bum you out. | ||
| That's one form of a roadblock in your life. | ||
| The depressed feeling that you didn't try, that you didn't try to reach your potential. | ||
| You didn't go after what is intriguing to you. | ||
| We all have almost like a beacon that pulls us in a certain direction. | ||
| With some people, it's nursing. | ||
| With some people, it's construction and architecture. | ||
| Being a parent for some people. | ||
| For us, it was stand-up. | ||
| It was really simple. | ||
| And it's like there's something... | ||
| The happiness that's involved in pursuing your inherent desires is unappreciated. | ||
| It's underappreciated. | ||
| People think, well, all you have to do is find a career. | ||
| Yes, all you have to do is find a career, but I guarantee you there's one out there that you really, really want to do. | ||
| Unless it's just like, I want to be famous, then you're an asshole. | ||
| Well, that's what I was going to say. | ||
| The key is that, you know, we're in Hollywood and I see a lot of misdirected what you're saying. | ||
| You see people that think that being famous is going to bring them happiness, which you certainly have more experience with fame than I do, but you probably would say that it is marginally helps you be happier with giving you maybe some possibilities, but it does not deliver you happiness. | ||
| Yeah, it's managed madness is what it is. | ||
| You've traded the whole universe. | ||
| Brian, how dare you keep that thing on? | ||
| Is that the clock on the wall? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how to turn it off. | |
| I'm going to take care of it, don't worry. | ||
| It's a managed form of madness because the whole world has changed. | ||
| And now everywhere you go, people will know who you are, but you won't know who they are. | ||
| And when you start becoming famous, it's like one out of a hundred. | ||
| Then it becomes one out of ten. | ||
| One out of three. | ||
| When you're Tom Cruise, it's everybody. | ||
| I'm not everybody, but it's enough so that it's weird. | ||
| It's enough so that your reality shifts and then everywhere you go. | ||
| And people have their own... | ||
| Also, they have predetermined perceptions of you based on your work. | ||
| Or it's something they read that you said or somebody who met you and, oh, he was a dick. | ||
| What strikes me as kind of creepy is that if they recognize you, you're going to see their best side. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| You know, there's the freaks, but most likely they're going to say, look, I'm meeting Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm going to tell my friends about this. | ||
| I want to have as deep of a connection as quickly as possible as I can. | ||
| So you're getting all this energy focused on you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I just saw it when we played pool. | ||
| I mean, five or six different people came up to you and wanted pictures. | ||
| And the thing is, is you're not necessarily, once you get over the novelty of, hey, people recognize me, you're really giving. | ||
| You're just giving people something. | ||
| Just being nice. | ||
| Yeah, you know, you're being nice, but for them, it's like... | ||
| A positive little experience. | ||
| I like that when I meet somebody, I'm going to know if they're a douche or not because if they don't know me, then I'm going to see who they really are. | ||
| But if they recognize me, then it's going to be, I'm not going to see this person. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| They may talk shit behind my back or whatever, but when I see them, they're gonna have a little bit of an agenda to be nicer or try to form more of a relationship than they would have otherwise. | ||
| And that's confusing. | ||
| That really throws you off. | ||
| It can. | ||
| It can if you're not an analytical person. | ||
| Look, I think the most difficult person to figure out always is ourselves. | ||
| And I think most people, at least, Don't have nearly enough inner dialogue where they sit themselves down and go over all the different shit that they're thinking and doing. | ||
| Most people don't understand their own mind. | ||
| And if you block shit in your life, if you... | ||
| I've seen it so many times with guys that are in the closet. | ||
| Guys that are in the closet that are gay and they become huge boozers and they're just blocking out this part of their brain because they're living their life in this tortured state. | ||
| I think that's a big issue for people. | ||
| No, Kevin Meany, who's a dear friend of mine, was like a mentor for me coming up in stand-up, and he came out of the closet, I want to say he was close to 50, with a kid, and the guy had a drinking problem, he was overweight, and then he came out of the closet, he's fucking trim, he's happy, he's got new material, and I mean, I just saw this load come off his shoulders and onto his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you know yourself better when you don't have secrets. | ||
| You don't have bullshit in your head when you don't have problems. | ||
| What was your biggest secret that came out in adulthood for you? | ||
| Because you changed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good question. | |
| You're somebody that, let me just preface it by saying this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're somebody who I think really significantly changed in the time I've known you, and not in a bad way. | ||
| You went from being a guy, you never touched marijuana, drinking, nothing. | ||
| And you were hardcore, you were confrontational, and in an honest way, it's what made you a good comedian early, is you took shit straight on, and you didn't back off. | ||
| But you were always curious. | ||
| And I saw the curious side of you kind of expand as you got older and then I saw you expand your mind with you know different methods and yet it's like you're still you but people don't really change usually in life and it seems like something happened to you at a certain point like you had an epiphany or something. | ||
| Well, one thing is I got an isolation tank. | ||
| And the isolation tank, there's never been a bigger tool for me in terms of personal development than the tank. | ||
| Because the tank is you completely alone only with your thoughts. | ||
| And there's no way to distract yourself with activities, with chronic masturbation, with fucking watching TV shows when you're flipping through channels late at night when you really should be sleeping. | ||
| There's no way to distract yourself from your innermost thoughts when you're in there. | ||
| There's nothing there but you. | ||
| You don't even get your body in there because your body's in the warm water. | ||
| It doesn't feel the water after a while. | ||
| There's so much salt you're floating. | ||
| So, in that environment, you're forced to take a lot of your ideas head-on, and like, is this a correct thought? | ||
| Did I do the right thing here? | ||
| Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. | ||
| Let's examine this, you know? | ||
| And as you look at things objectively, it's like you're sort of forced to grow, and in that environment, the environment of the tank, Which is just another form of a psychedelic experience. | ||
| It's a psychedelic experience that is natural. | ||
| It could be done while you're stone cold sober. | ||
| You just climb on in and within, you know, if you've done it for a while, within an hour you're in a psychedelic state. | ||
| You're in some crazy hallucinogenic dream state. | ||
| So what was the truth that you think came out? | ||
| Over and over again. | ||
| Well, a lot of my anger had to do with the way I was raised. | ||
| I hadn't seen my father since I was like seven years old. | ||
| And I always thought that that didn't fuck with me. | ||
| But then as I got older, I really truly realized it fucked with me. | ||
| And I didn't really kind of understand it until I had a few psychedelic experiences and kind of like looked at the source of, you know, a lot of angst and a lot of like anger that I would have. | ||
| I would be a guy who would try to be nice to everybody, but I was already on a trigger. | ||
| So if something happened where someone did something rude, I would over-escalate almost immediately. | ||
| I would be ready to take them to fucking full-on war. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| Can I tell a story? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Well, I don't know that we've ever talked about this, but we had one kind of blowout in our life, and I was living with your girlfriend at the time, Jennifer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jennifer from Staten Island. | ||
| Yeah, don't say her name. | ||
| No. | ||
| First name's okay, right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Big hair. | ||
| Very nice girl. | ||
| Great chick. | ||
| Yeah, great chick. | ||
| I'll tell the story of how this happened. | ||
| We went to some club. | ||
| Okay, I don't want to say where she worked. | ||
| But Greg and I were there, and she came over to talk to us. | ||
| And said that she had a room for rent in her apartment, and she needed to find a roommate. | ||
| And then I was like, I think Greg needs a roommate, and Greg's looking for a room. | ||
| I was trying to get out. | ||
| My friends were all drunks, and I'd quit drinking, and I needed to get the fuck out. | ||
| And so she walks away and Greg was like, holy shit, I want to be living with her. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Look how fucking hot she is. | ||
| I go, dude, she's fucking hot, right? | ||
| And so then I called you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, this is your girlfriend? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Before you started dating? | |
| Before we started dating. | ||
| We just met her. | ||
| We had just met her. | ||
| So then I called him the next day. | ||
| I go, dude, your new apartment is fucking awesome. | ||
| And he go, what are you talking about? | ||
| I just, oh, I just fucked that girl in your new apartment. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And you're like, oh. | ||
| So we had like a little thing where Greg kind of liked this girl first, sort of. | ||
| And I fucked her. | ||
| And then he was living with her. | ||
| And it was kind of weird. | ||
| And there was one night where she had told me that you were talking shit about me. | ||
| And it really hurt my feelings. | ||
| Because I couldn't believe that you did it. | ||
| She had her period. | ||
| And we were like 21 years old, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| You say stupid shit back then. | ||
| And she was like miserable. | ||
| And she would have bad periods. | ||
| And you came up to her and you confronted her. | ||
| You go, look, if you're this miserable, why don't you just fucking leave him? | ||
| You know, like really, what are you doing here? | ||
| This is what she told you? | ||
| This is what she told me. | ||
| And then she told you, Greg, I'm on my period. | ||
| That's why I'm miserable. | ||
| And I was so upset. | ||
| I was like, wow, I can't believe he did that. | ||
| I mean, she was hot, you know, and you're living with her. | ||
| I get all that. | ||
| I get all that. | ||
| But I couldn't believe that you said something to her, like, bad about me. | ||
| You know, because in my eyes, I'm a very loyal person. | ||
| And when someone's my friend, they're my friend. | ||
| And I would never go to a friend's girl. | ||
| But it was a very complicated situation, you know. | ||
| It's not healthy for a heterosexual guy to be living with a hot girl. | ||
| John Ritter did with two. | ||
| So anyway, I go on this gig, and the gig was terrible. | ||
| It's a fucking awful gig, and it was a long drive, and I did not have a good set. | ||
| And I was coming back, and I was with her, and she had just told me this thing that you did, and I was so fucking mad. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I was so fucking mad. | ||
| And we went and got ice cream. | ||
| And I went to the bathroom and I came back and I opened my ice cream and Jennifer was eating hers and my ice cream bar had a bite taken out of it. | ||
| Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop. | ||
| And it was Greg had taken the bite out of it. | ||
| And so I flipped the switch and I threw the ice cream at your face at about 100 miles an hour. | ||
| And I don't know what I said. | ||
| I don't remember what I said. | ||
| But I remember I went into danger zone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I wanted to bring it up because we never talked about it. | ||
| Yeah, we never did. | ||
| And I wanted to because obviously, look. | ||
| There's always two sides to things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Three sides in this case. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think, number one, I was a brash, fucking wise-ass pervert, you know, with a lot of energy back then. | ||
| And so, first point I would say is that with Jennifer, if I said, I can't believe I'm living with her, I think it was probably more of a comic premise than like a real attraction on any level. | ||
| I think it was like, yeah, she was hot. | ||
| But I wouldn't be moving in with the chick to try to get laid with her. | ||
| No, I didn't think you were doing that. | ||
| I'm not saying... | ||
| But I think there was a residual feeling with you that I had said that, and it was maybe on your mind that I'm living with her, and that's a little bit fucking weird. | ||
| I'm pretty open-minded, dude. | ||
| She was living with another guy, the gay guy, and I would go and hang out with him all the time. | ||
| Well, he was gay. | ||
| Don't give it up. | ||
| Don't give up his name. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| You fucked up the whole thing. | ||
| And the other thing is, if I... Possible. | ||
| I might have said that thing about you. | ||
| Wait, let me just say my side of it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I might have said something about you. | ||
| And again, I was a fucking loud mouth. | ||
| I talked a lot of shit. | ||
| I think that in my heart, you and I were good friends. | ||
| We had come up and done a lot of shit together, gone through a lot, supported each other a lot. | ||
| And I think if I'd said something, it's, again, I have no fucking idea. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's so long ago, the memories aren't real anyway. | ||
| They're not, but no, that's why I brought it up in this arena, because I feel like, I don't know if there's humor in it, but I think that there's a real moment in it where, you know, where I think it fucked me up, too, because first of all, seeing you get that angry was like, you know, scary shit, and the irony of you hitting me with the Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop was also not completely lost on me. | ||
| And I felt like, you know, and sadly that was right at a time when you were moving to New York. | ||
| You started going down and working danger fields and all that shit. | ||
| So it became kind of convenient that we just didn't see each other as much. | ||
| We would fucking write together every day. | ||
| We drive to gigs and then all of a sudden this kind of blowout happened and you just happened to be moving. | ||
| And so we spent a few years of just not being in each other's spheres at all. | ||
| And then it was water under the bridge and we started to, you know, hang out and all that stuff. | ||
| But I always wanted to talk to you about it because I felt like whatever your takeaway was from that experience, that, you know, if I did say something, it wasn't from my heart and that I think it was a loaded situation. | ||
| It was a loaded situation. | ||
| And there was a few other things that were leaning into that confrontation. | ||
| That, you know, it wasn't anything bad that you did. | ||
| It was sort of an attitude that you had taken with me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| There was a resentment thing. | ||
| I'm pretty sensitive to it. | ||
| And I think a lot of it had to do with living with a girl. | ||
| Well, part of it, too, was you and I grew in different directions as comics. | ||
| You were going hardcore. | ||
| You were hanging out with another Michael, and you were a real Kinison guy, and I was starting to move a little bit more towards not necessarily... | ||
| Clean and clever. | ||
| Yeah, I think I was going through a clean and clever stage, and you gave me a really hard time about it. | ||
| You could call me a pussy, and you've got to fucking be real up there. | ||
| And it was intimidating because it was like, well, I'm not... | ||
| Why are you telling me you have to do my act? | ||
| But you would get pissed at me about it. | ||
| It was because I loved you. | ||
| I just didn't want to see you back off. | ||
| When you were at your best, Greg Fitzsimmons would have these sets and you would have a bunch of really well-crafted jokes. | ||
| You had a bunch of good things and you have one thing where you just went over the fucking edge completely and the comics would be howling and I always knew. | ||
| I was like, if he can harness that... | ||
| If he can figure out how to... | ||
| I mean, you have a sick fucking sense of humor. | ||
| So when I would see you pull back to do a Letterman set or pull back to do any of this stuff, I'm like, the only reason that exists is because there's someone trying to sell Toyota trucks or Tide. | ||
| The only reason why censored TV exists... | ||
| So this idea that it became clean and clever, I'm like, what is clever about cutting out the most fun aspects of life and homogenizing it so that four-year-olds can watch it? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is that what's clever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not clever. | |
| Clever. | ||
| That's not real comedy. | ||
| And in my head back then, I was watching you and saying, well, yeah, you're just going up there and you're just fucking throwing shit and cum in their faces and you're killing and you're fucking prancing the stage in a stalk and you're fucking got your hand over the mud. | ||
| And I was just like, you know, he's killing it. | ||
| But like, that's like I was coming out of college as an English major and I wanted to write, you know, I've gone into writing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So to me, it was just a different choice. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was one that you didn't respect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No, it's not that. | ||
| No, you just said it. | ||
| You didn't really... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not that I didn't respect the writing. | ||
| It's not that I didn't respect the discipline of it. | ||
| I know it's more difficult. | ||
| It's a more difficult path. | ||
| It was that with you, I always knew you had a sick fucking sense of humor. | ||
| So I was like... | ||
| It's like going back to Tom Cotter. | ||
| Yeah, don't pull away from that. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| That's like what makes you unique. | ||
| That's what makes us howl in the back of the room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, we're not laughing because we like you and it's not funny. | ||
| It's like you would say some really dark, fucked up shit... | ||
| And then you'd be like, I can never use that bit. | ||
| They won't use me now, but Boston Comedy won't book me on the road because of that bit. | ||
| I think that there was a part of me that, I think in baseball terms, you were always the guy that was the Grand Slam swinger, and I was the guy that just wanted to get a lot of doubles and singles. | ||
| And so, in a sense, I think everybody, my father used to say, everybody ends up where they're really comfortable, you know? | ||
| And in a sense, for you, like you talked about, going on stage when you didn't have the material, but doing an hour, like balls out, I'm fucking, that wasn't me. | ||
| That would have been my worst fucking nightmare. | ||
| To me, it was like, I wanted to make a living doing this. | ||
| I wanted to write, I wanted to go on Letterman. | ||
| It was like things I wanted that were in this strategy. | ||
| Not that I thought about it, but it was just naturally where I was going. | ||
| And for you, it was like, you wanted to fucking explode. | ||
| You wanted to be kinescent. | ||
| And that was just a different fucking strategy, different game plan than I had. | ||
| And I think that was a big part of it, too. | ||
| That was a lot of tension underneath the fight that happened. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I really resented. | ||
| Not in my mind. | ||
| Well, I did. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I resented that I was feeling like you were not approving of what I was doing. | ||
| You were putting pressure on me not to do it. | ||
| That's hilarious because I've always felt like that it was always the opposite with people, that the people that were dirty were, especially back then in Boston, they were the ones who were pressured to clean it up. | ||
| Oliver Keithley, that's all he ever used to tell me. | ||
| You got to clean it up. | ||
| You got to clean it up. | ||
| You said 10 fucks in 10 minutes. | ||
| You gotta clean it up. | ||
| It was always like, oh, I'm taking some sort of a shortcut by doing things that I'm actually interested in talking about. | ||
| So you saying that I think that I look down on you for cleaning your act up or trying to go the professional route. | ||
| It wasn't that. | ||
| It was never that. | ||
| It was that I didn't want you to stop doing the other stuff. | ||
| Because the darkest shit was the shit that would make me laugh the most. | ||
| And then when you're like, I can't do that bit anymore. | ||
| I'm like, you're crazy. | ||
| That fucking bit's awesome. | ||
| I know, and some of the bits, I look back, I can't, I'm one of those people, I cannot watch myself. | ||
| I have early tapes, and I go, I look at these clever little fucking cute jokes I was doing. | ||
| I hate myself. | ||
| I just remembered something you did that was fucking brilliant. | ||
| This is back in the day where there was like, maybe somebody had heard the Jerky Boys, like maybe like one, you know, one of their CDs were out, and like they were like really kind of funny recorded phone calls where they would fuck with people. | ||
| Greg did one where he called in a car rental place, and you did it with the It's on my CD. This extreme, extreme Boston accent for years, for years after that, I'd go, it's on fire! | ||
| The car's on fire! | ||
| The whole car, it's on fire! | ||
| You were doing a lot of dark shit. | ||
| Well, the thing is, when you talk about the Boston comedy community, we really did have our own little pod. | ||
| It was like me, you, Cotter, Mike, I can say, McDonald, McCarthy. | ||
| There was really only a half a dozen of us that, and I felt like an outcast. | ||
| There was Dave Cross and Marin and all those guys that were doing that sketch, esoteric stuff in Cambridge. | ||
| Then you had, we talked about the big headliners that were, they had their own, they were And they were looked at in a different way. | ||
| There were guys who were looked at as being clever with good material, and then there were guys who were like Knox, who a lot of people would look down on them. | ||
| They would look down on that material, that silly party guy sort of a stationery guy. | ||
| No collar. | ||
| It was much more. | ||
| And yet, we didn't fit nicely into any of the categories. | ||
| And so I think we were left in a little bit of the misfit toys syndrome. | ||
| I kind of felt like it wasn't about being clean or dirty. | ||
| It was just more about resenting people that were fake and seeing people that were, again, Looking like they wanted careers and backstabbers and all that shit. | ||
| I felt like there was a safety among the five or six guys we hung out with that we were real people and that we were doing ballsy comedy and that we were the hungriest ones out there. | ||
| I mean, you went to an open mic night for those couple years. | ||
| Ours were the first fucking names on the list. | ||
| And we were standing there like panthers waiting to see if we were going to get on. | ||
| Yeah, we're not bullshitting. | ||
| We really did drive to Rhode Island all the time to do free sets. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| We would constantly drive. | ||
| To the point where they would hold it over our head. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But maybe you might not even be able to get it on. | ||
| Remember that dude Charlie? | ||
| He was kind of creepy about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, hold it over your head. | ||
| Hmm, I don't know tonight. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was this very flamboyant guy. | ||
| He does cabaret now. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Did he like checking you out and making you kiss up to him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his name? | |
| Tommy? | ||
| Charlie. | ||
| Oh, Charlie. | ||
| Should I say it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, fuck him. | ||
| Why do that? | ||
| I mean, he wasn't a bad guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just, he shouldn't have had that power. | ||
| You know, and it was just a, that whole little comedy scene in Rhode Island was very small. | ||
| It wasn't, but remember that one fucking really funny guy? | ||
| This was your favorite guy. | ||
| Eddie, Eddie. | ||
| He was your favorite. | ||
| Eddie, um. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Um. | ||
| Eddie. | ||
| Well, tell the story. | ||
| Well, which one? | ||
| Well, first tell his favorite joke about the disposable douche commercial, the mother and the daughter. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But a lot of people have... | ||
| Eddie Galvin. | ||
| Eddie Galvin, yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what was it? | ||
| He goes, I'm not... | ||
| He's talking about this disposable douche commercial. | ||
| It's a mother and the daughter walking down the beach together, and the daughter says to the mother... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not saying my cunt stinks, but the cats have been following me home! | |
| And the crowd would fucking go nuts! | ||
| I forgot that! | ||
| And then he ends up going to jail. | ||
| He beat a guy to death with a stick. | ||
| With a tree limb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I don't know what it was over. | ||
| He was the second guy to go to jail. | ||
| There was another guy named Ed the Machine Regine who was working also as a used car salesman who set the odometers back on cars and did about five or six years. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| I remember when he got out. | ||
| I remember when he got out. | ||
| He got out and he started wearing like a gangster suit and a hat. | ||
| He went on stage and the machine regime. | ||
| He was a good like functional comic. | ||
| Functional comic. | ||
| He knew how to get the laughs. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And then there was the other Rhode Island comic who'd put a clam suit on and then he would close out with a bit where he'd sing Muddy Waters' I'm a Man but it's I'm a Clam. | ||
| And the crowd would lose their shit, and then you're on next. | ||
| It was always about who you had to follow in Boston, because you'd have outrageous shit like that happen, and the crowds in some towns were so dumb. | ||
| I mean, Rhode Island, they were all dumb. | ||
| And you'd have to go on after that. | ||
| And it's like they just fed the fucking mongrels some red meat, and now you're going up, and it's like, whoa. | ||
| You were there with me on one of the times where Hicks performed In Boston. | ||
| And we saw him clear the room. | ||
| Clear the room. | ||
| It was you and me and McCarthy and a couple other guys. | ||
| Maybe it was Todd Parker. | ||
| He might have been with us too. | ||
| It was like a Sunday night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And Hicks went up there and he went on after Larry, the Harley Davidson drive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bubbles Brown? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, not Bubbles Brown. | ||
| Larry, yeah, I know he's... | ||
| Yeah, comic on a Harley, Larry Norton. | ||
| Larry Norton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Larry Norton. | |
| So Larry Norton goes up and he's doing like cartoon characters if they got high. | ||
| This would be Bugs Bunny if you got high. | ||
| It's like really simple shit. | ||
| Cops and donuts, you know, like really like softballs. | ||
| He's lobbing them at you, right? | ||
| Killing. | ||
| He's killing. | ||
| And Hicks goes on and just eats dick right away. | ||
| From the moment his very first joke, he's like patient with what he's going to say and thinking about things. | ||
| He just goes to some weird points and the crowd just gets up in fucking chunks. | ||
| And so maybe... | ||
| 45 minutes into a set, 40, 40 minutes into a set, he's doing this bit where he's playing John Davidson, and John Davidson gets fucked by Satan. | ||
| John Davidson used to be the host of That's Incredible, and John Davidson is getting fucked by Satan, and he swells up in the offseason. | ||
| And shits out Geraldo Rivera. | ||
| He becomes pregnant with the demon seed and it becomes Geraldo Rivera and he shits it out. | ||
| And he's like on the toilet, shitting out Geraldo Rivera. | ||
| And he's grunting for like fucking two solid minutes. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| Like literally. | ||
| No words. | ||
| No words. | ||
| And then he looks up in the middle. | ||
| People just getting on the drums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, yep, this usually clears the room. | |
| And he goes right back to it. | ||
| And it was just you and I and a couple other guys in the back of the room howling laughing. | ||
| Maybe 50 people stayed. | ||
| And what did Nick see? | ||
| Did it seat 300 maybe? | ||
| Yeah, about that. | ||
| 200 plus people got up and left. | ||
| And we were howling. | ||
| And I just remember we sat... | ||
| I think another time we went to see him it was at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection. | ||
| And we actually got to sit in the green room for, you know, 10-15 minutes. | ||
| Nothing but small talk. | ||
| But the fact that... | ||
| Fucking sat in a room with that guy. | ||
| Got to see him perform a couple times. | ||
| It really is like, you know... | ||
| Comedy history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He gets some shit from a lot of people because a lot of his ideas are so commonplace today that people go, well, he wasn't even doing comedy. | ||
| Some of the stuff isn't even funny. | ||
| But what they don't understand is that, like every fucking comedian, your stuff gets dated in time. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It loses its punch. | ||
| If you're good, it gets replicated again and again. | ||
| Well, Lenny Bruce. | ||
| Even Hicks' premises were really similar to Lenny Bruce's premises. | ||
| One of Lenny Bruce's premises was that he doesn't understand the cross. | ||
| Years from now, people are going to be running around with electric chairs around their necks. | ||
| And then Hicks had one about, you know, it's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant, just thinking of John, Jackie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's similarities, but what Hicks did was completely change the way people did comedy. | ||
| Like, all of a sudden, people would have comedy that would make you, like, make a point. | ||
| And, like, there would be parts of it that would be funny, but there would be parts of it that would set up the funny by pointing out how fucking preposterous so much of this shit is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, it was a different ride. | ||
| It wasn't that Don Gavin punchline every fucking three seconds, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| It was a different ride. | ||
| Well, I think the turning point was really the clearest distinction with him was that he didn't care. | ||
| That's what it came down to. | ||
| It was comedy that, to its core, it was expressing itself without any regard to the reception it was going to get from the audience. | ||
| And he figured out quite early that that was the way to find your real audience. | ||
| Because only perform their stuff. | ||
| And eventually, everybody else leaves. | ||
| Jesus, this is terrible. | ||
| And then your people come. | ||
| Well, Carlin did that, too, in a way. | ||
| Sure, I'll be guess, but he would become famous already. | ||
| Carlin had become famous as sort of a clean and squeaky guy. | ||
| But then he became, I think, a guy who was, by the end, to a fault, more about his core beliefs and his message. | ||
| I think he went so far with it. | ||
| But in the sweet spot, I think he was on the same level as Hicks in terms of taking on religion. | ||
| Don't forget Bill Hicks was doing it in Texas. | ||
| You know, he was taking on Christianity in the fucking Bible Belt. | ||
| In the 80s. | ||
| In the 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was doing it in a way that, like, it wasn't that set-up punchline. | ||
| And he started like that. | ||
| I mean, I watched his documentary. | ||
| He had, like, really cornered. | ||
| He was a guy, if you want to get to the place where Bill Hicks is, you've got to be, and Carlin, you have to learn the rules to break them. | ||
| And they did. | ||
| They were very high-functioning, clean, you know, monologue comics. | ||
| And then they took that and they made it dangerous by taking on real ideas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And at the time, that's what everybody was doing. | ||
| And what he had done was run into Kinnison. | ||
| And then Kinnison completely changed his act. | ||
| In fact, when I first saw Hicks, Hicks was doing a lot of Kinnison in his act. | ||
| Much like, you know, you realize when there was a few guys that would do, a bunch of guys that would do Boston guys. | ||
| They would sound just like Knox. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And they would do it just because there was confidence in sounding like a really funny guy. | ||
| Like a guy that you respect. | ||
| There's confidence in it. | ||
| And when I first saw Hicks, it was years before that set. | ||
| Maybe a year, year and a half before that set. | ||
| The first time I saw him, he was doing sort of a bit of a Kinnison act. | ||
| Like, he would even make the noise. | ||
| Like, we'd do The Walking Dead. | ||
| He would roll his eyes and make the same noises that Kinnison would make. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| That's really kind of close. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Doesn't he know we've seen Kinnison do this? | ||
| Well, I think Bobcat probably had a touch of that. | ||
| I think, you know, Marin had a touch of Hicks when he was coming up. | ||
| He had a touch of the mannerisms. | ||
| He would replicate mannerisms. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| The mannerisms. | ||
| You see that with a tell now. | ||
| A lot of young tells out there. | ||
| Yes, a lot of young tells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of Stan Hopes. | |
| Yep, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| A lot of Stan Hopes. | ||
| Yeah, there was one time I was listening to this fucking guy on Raw Dog Radio, and I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I was like, this is a fucking Stan Hope clone. | ||
| I was like, confused. | ||
| Like, maybe Stan Hope had a cold. | ||
| Was he on Sorry? | ||
| No, it's a different guy. | ||
| Does he sound like Stanhope? | ||
| No. | ||
| How funny are you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like the opposite. | |
| It's your Olive Garden. | ||
| It's your Olive Garden. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| So, going back to the original topic, our fight. | ||
| Glad it's over. | ||
| I'm glad it's over. | ||
| I think that we're both... | ||
| Well, we kind of abandoned it. | ||
| I mean, we didn't speak that much after that for a while, but it never came up again. | ||
| It wasn't like it needed to be discussed, but I'm glad we did it. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to just clear it out, clear it out, because... | ||
| I was thinking today, too, I think I was telling you earlier, I changed my whole viewpoint on gun control two weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did a lot of research, and it's like, I think that there's two kinds of people. | ||
| There's people that will, I'll call people when I make a mistake, apologize, I want to talk about shit if it's under the carpet, and I want the right to change my mind later, you know? | ||
| And I think that that's the way I choose to go through life. | ||
| I never want to fucking... | ||
| And it's a problem with my family. | ||
| Growing up Irish Catholic, I wrote this fucking book that was all the real shit. | ||
| This was like a... | ||
| I didn't think for one second when I wrote this book, my mom's gonna read this, my aunt's gonna read this. | ||
| I just fucking wrote my book. | ||
| And it's like, you know... | ||
| It was tough, man. | ||
| I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown doing it. | ||
| But that was the point in my life where I think I went, I'm no longer going to do anything that's pandering. | ||
| I'm only going to be honest. | ||
| I'm only going to confront things in my life because I can't go back. | ||
| I want to start my life, in a sense, over again and leave everything behind. | ||
| So I don't want anything fucking connecting me to shit that I feel bad about from the past. | ||
| So I just spit it all out and put it out there. | ||
| And now it's done. | ||
| And now this is done. | ||
| Not the podcast. | ||
| Please, not the podcast. | ||
| I haven't got my plugs in yet. | ||
| No, there's no plugs. | ||
| We can keep going. | ||
| I'm glad we got it out of the way too. | ||
| We actually worked together on The Man Show as well. | ||
| It came up because I had an issue. | ||
| And then they said, what about Greg Fitzsimmons? | ||
| And I was like, he's fucking talented. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Hire him. | ||
| I was shocked. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm not shocked. | ||
| I was like, it reaffirmed what I just said. | ||
| You're like that also. | ||
| Like, you know, I'm not going to, guys get over shit. | ||
| Well, you know, bottom line is, there's no way I could hold a grudge that long. | ||
| A, and B, you're fucking talented. | ||
| It was like, it wasn't even a thing. | ||
| It wasn't like, man, should we work with, it was like, of course we should work with them. | ||
| You're a funny guy. | ||
| You had a funny shit that I didn't even think could be funny and became funny. | ||
| The dead Ted Williams sketch, that was fucking brilliant. | ||
| Frozen Ted Williams. | ||
| Frozen Ted Williams was awesome. | ||
| It turned out to be one of my favorite sketches. | ||
| Because I don't give a fuck about baseballs. | ||
| I don't understand it, but it was great. | ||
| Yeah, it was tough. | ||
| You were working non-stop. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| You would show up at night when you were done taping all day, and then write all night, and then go back. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| I was working way too much. | ||
| I was doing Fear Factor and The Man Show at the same time, and we had, all of a sudden, they had completely changed how they were approaching it. | ||
| Doug and I got completely hoodwinked. | ||
| We thought that it was going to be like, they literally told me, Have nudity, we'll blur it out. | ||
| Swear, we'll beep it out. | ||
| You can go wild. | ||
| If we get sued, it would be a good thing. | ||
| We could use the publicity. | ||
| I'm like, let's get fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm like, let's do it. | ||
| Stan Hope's in, I'm in. | ||
| Come on, let's go. | ||
| We're gonna fucking change the man's show. | ||
| And then once we started... | ||
| That doesn't sound like the man's show. | ||
| That's not the man's show. | ||
| That is not how the Man Show used to be. | ||
| They had never had power, I found out, that Jimmy and Adam had given up the power so that they could have creative control. | ||
| They're like, look, you could own this fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Just leave us alone. | ||
| Just let us come up with our own stuff. | ||
| They had to give it up to get creative control. | ||
| That's why it was good. | ||
| Once you get in there, you remember what it was like. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| It was the beginning of Comedy Central becoming a really uncreative place to develop and do things. | ||
| And it was, you know, it was the studio and the network. | ||
| There were probably six, all women, all women. | ||
| Every note on the man show was coming from women. | ||
| Which isn't to say they weren't talented or funny. | ||
| It just always struck me of like... | ||
| Do these people really have the voice of the show? | ||
| Yeah, they don't. | ||
| I don't think women were watching the man show. | ||
| One of the big things was Joey Diaz. | ||
| I wanted Joey Diaz naked at the beginning of every show. | ||
| That was a mistake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would kick open the door and go, let's get this party started! | |
| Everybody would go crazy. | ||
| Zoe was, Comedy Central was like crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| You tell me. | ||
| Why is that funny? | ||
| That's not going to be funny. | ||
| This is not what we want to do with this show. | ||
| She was literally in tears. | ||
| I'm like, first of all, there's no crying in comedy. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's no crying in comedy. | ||
| That's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| And second of all, I understood her point of view. | ||
| She's an intelligent woman. | ||
| It's offensive to her. | ||
| To her, it's not funny. | ||
| She wants well-scripted, well-crafted, really clever pieces and bits. | ||
| That appeal to frat guys. | ||
| However, when a fucking 350-pound fat Cuban guy with a baseball hat and Timberlands comes running out and his balls are like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose and his dick is big and it's flopping around on his giant belly, you cannot not laugh. | ||
| When he's going, let's get this party started! | ||
| So we made a deal. | ||
| We'll do it your way and then we'll do it my way. | ||
| So we did it her way. | ||
| Nice big thing. | ||
| Big cheer. | ||
| Everybody gets crazy. | ||
| We start the show. | ||
| Okay, take two. | ||
| We do it the second time. | ||
| Joey Diaz comes out naked and the place falls apart. | ||
| They're giving him standing ovations and cheering. | ||
| And Joey's dancing and then he brings us out and it was perfect. | ||
| That was the beginning of many, many problems that we had. | ||
| I should have never tried to do a show at the same time as doing another show. | ||
| And on top of that, I should have never tried to do someone else's show. | ||
| Well, that's, yeah, I mean, look, that's a fucking tough one. | ||
| You look at the fact that The Office turned out a different office that is now as good as the original is a fucking miracle. | ||
| Fluke. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fluke. | |
| It just doesn't happen. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, talented people, obviously. | ||
| They figured it out there. | ||
| But the point is, those same people could have taken a different premise, starting from scratch, and been where they are today. | ||
| Taking a show that already existed, you're not getting any boost out of that. | ||
| All you're doing is fighting off the old image and trying to recreate the new one. | ||
| So why not just start with the new one? | ||
| I think in America, it was so distant. | ||
| It was a distant memory in people's minds. | ||
| There was this English office. | ||
| There's a giant chunk of the population that had no idea. | ||
| And the people that were fans of The Office tuned in out of curiosity. | ||
| And the other people tuned in after. | ||
| I've heard it's really good. | ||
| I've heard it's really good. | ||
| It was not known enough, so it slipped in. | ||
| And you were doing it on the same channel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With the same name and the same set. | ||
| Yeah, you could... | ||
| And the thing is, it's like, that was truly... | ||
| I mean, Adam and Jimmy had worked together in radio. | ||
| They had a fucking chemistry and a fluidity. | ||
| You and Doug were both alpha males who do stand-up alone. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, it was like, should we sit on stools? | ||
| Should we stand up? | ||
| And I was always just like, no. | ||
| Joe should go out and tear it up for five minutes. | ||
| Then Doug should. | ||
| Then they should throw the clips that they're both in. | ||
| But the two of you standing on stage together was weird. | ||
| Yeah, it didn't work. | ||
| You know what we should have done? | ||
| We should have just, we should have, like, after the first time didn't work, we should have said, listen, we should just, the only way we could ever do this correctly is if we just stop calling it the man show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it becomes a new thing. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Because you just can't say, that's not man. | ||
| They would be like, that's not man show. | ||
| That's not man show. | ||
| Especially remember when Janet Jackson's nipple thing happened? | ||
| We got fucked. | ||
| We lost like half of our monologues. | ||
| We lost like a bunch of bits we couldn't do now. | ||
| Oh, because everything tightened up. | ||
| Everything tightened up. | ||
| People don't realize that that stupid stunt had a big impact because the dummies that run these networks, they just don't want to lose their jobs. | ||
| So they go into panic moan. | ||
| We've got to react to this Janet Jackson thing. | ||
| You give me anything you have that could cause us trouble because now the microscope of the media is going to be, people are going to be peering into every single show looking for anything that's possibly offensive while this whole wave of indignation washes through the nation because someone saw a woman's tit during the dinner hour. | ||
| Yeah, we did one of the sketches that I wrote was called Ill Suitors and it was like a dating service for men that didn't want long-term relationships paired up with women that had terminal illnesses. | ||
| Oh, I remember that. | ||
| And then one of the scenes, and it was all like, you know, Doug had this funny idea of like, she's in a wheelchair on the beach trying to wheel through the sand. | ||
| And he's running in slow motion towards her. | ||
| And it ends with like, it was supposed to end with him making out with this woman in bed with his hand up her shirt. | ||
| And then it goes to him giving mouth to mouth and pushing it. | ||
| And they just, they killed that. | ||
| And it was like, we had no ending. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so we had all these funny ideas of like, you know, you could order like a three-day weekend special of, you know, bird flu. | ||
| You know, you had different diseases that matched up with how long you wanted to stay in the relationship. | ||
| We had no ending. | ||
| We had no ending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember that. | |
| It was weird too, because Giannis sort of took over the show and he became like the voice of it. | ||
| And, you know, he was the mouth. | ||
| He's a fucking executive producer. | ||
| He's got to listen to the networks. | ||
| We never tried to do somebody else's show. | ||
| We got a lot of funny writers, too. | ||
| Brian Posehn, Ray James, Chris McGuire. | ||
| Some funny shit, too. | ||
| Some funny shit came out of it. | ||
| Oh, Frank Sebastiano. | ||
| Yeah, he was awesome. | ||
| I think he's the best writer in town. | ||
| Period. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Jesus, it was good writers. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Too bad. | ||
| Could have had fun. | ||
| You know, you and Doug still keep in touch? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| One of the things that came out of that was that Doug and I were doing mushrooms the day the war broke out. | ||
| We sat around this dude's house in the desert, we did mushrooms, and that day, it was like right when we were planning to do the man show, the war broke out and they were showing that they were going to be beginning war coverage at 5 p.m., Yeah. | ||
| And Stan Hope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff. | ||
| And we're tripping balls in the desert where you could barely focus on the TV because it's become a soup of pixels. | ||
| It's not really the TV anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was an interesting time. | ||
| That was a good time, but I definitely shouldn't have done it. | ||
| I'm glad I did it, but I shouldn't have done it. | ||
| Yeah, well, who knew? | ||
| I mean, I've been on a couple of pilots and shows, actually TV shows, where people were double-dipping. | ||
| I wrote on Wanda Sykes' show last year, and she was doing Adventures of Old Christine and then coming over and trying to do her show on Fox at night. | ||
| And we never saw her. | ||
| And she's so fucking talented. | ||
| And what an opportunity to have a black woman while Obama is president. | ||
| And you had Sarah Palin running for office. | ||
| All of a sudden the fucking floodgates were open in politics. | ||
| What kind of show was it? | ||
| It was just a straight up... | ||
| Monologue, remote piece, roundtable talk show. | ||
| Topical. | ||
| Yeah, because she's so talented. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| But people don't give themselves enough time to do things right. | ||
| And if your name is on it, you've got to fucking drop. | ||
| Either don't do it or drop everything and say like a tell. | ||
| Again, going back to this show, which you've got to see, Dave's Old Porn. | ||
| That guy gave up so much fucking work. | ||
| He invested so much of his own money, tons of it, into this show, because his name is on. | ||
| And it's picked up. | ||
| And his road work is up. | ||
| And his merch is, and you know, it's like, this is you. | ||
| This is your fucking brand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you blew it, man. | ||
| You really blew it. | ||
| Me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you really blew it. | |
| How did that happen? | ||
| How did it come to that? | ||
| Well, you think you would want to do a show like that again? | ||
| Like a weekly sketch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| This is really what I should have been doing all along. | ||
| This is the most fun. | ||
| Podcast. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| This is... | ||
| You know, I mean, what are you providing? | ||
| You know, when you have an hour television show. | ||
| You're supposed to be providing entertainment. | ||
| You're supposed to be providing some sort of a release. | ||
| I think I'm better at entertainment doing this than I am at all that other stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think writing... | ||
| I can write. | ||
| I know how to make sketches. | ||
| I can make funny stuff. | ||
| I absolutely can. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I enjoy doing it. | ||
| I enjoy this more. | ||
| And between this and stand-up comedy, those are like my two favorite things. | ||
| The only reason why I ever did acting is because they gave me money to do acting. | ||
| I mean, I had to do acting because I did MTV and I got a development team. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm doing a pilot for a sitcom. | ||
| I never really wanted to be an actor. | ||
| It's not that appealing to me. | ||
| And then when you hang out with them, you realize, well, they're fucking weirdos, man. | ||
| Weird, fucking, pretentious, self-absorbed, strange fucking people, man. | ||
| They're odd. | ||
| Nobody's saying a truthful thing all day. | ||
| Oh, everyone's trying to be this same person. | ||
| The person that everyone accepts. | ||
| Everyone's liberal. | ||
| Everyone is thinking about going vegan. | ||
| And everyone's unflappable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody's ever sweating. | ||
| Nobody's ever scared. | ||
| It's just always... | ||
| You gotta be confident. | ||
| You gotta always show people you're relaxed and confident. | ||
| And weird. | ||
| Weird and disconnected and obsessed with your fucking life. | ||
| I've met people that are obsessed with success, but they're varied. | ||
| There's a fucking sameness to the actor... | ||
| Douche. | ||
| There's a sameness to them that's shocking because it doesn't seem to exist in other things. | ||
| There's people that develop a hardness if they're in the financial business. | ||
| There's a cutthroat aspect to stocks and bonds and treasuries. | ||
| There's similarities, but there vary more. | ||
| The actor is like one thing. | ||
| You know, it's like strip club DJ. Hey, everybody! | ||
| Dance is on the table! | ||
| The big girl's coming up! | ||
| They all have the same voice. | ||
| Strip club DJs have the same voice. | ||
| And actors have the same. | ||
| Well, when you audition for something, I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| It's not all of them, obviously. | ||
| When you go in on an audition, there are so many, it's like watching the fucking Westminster Dog Show. | ||
| You walk in, you sign in, you schmooze with the other actors, you look at your lines, then when you walk in, you gotta say something clever, and a mild flirtation with the casting director, then you say something that's a little bit naughty, and then you start the scene, and then you finish it, and they tell you you're fucking great, and you tell them it's great to see, and you walk out like you don't need the job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh! | |
| And then you get in your car in the parking garage and you start slamming your forehead against the steering wheel and hating yourself and then waiting for the call. | ||
| Yeah, I only got into acting for money. | ||
| That's not what I started doing stand-up for. | ||
| And once I realized that I can make a living without acting, I kind of shied away from it. | ||
| I didn't act at all for like 10 years until I did a Kevin James movie, the Zookeeper movie. | ||
| I hadn't done anything in like 10 years. | ||
| I'd just done stand-up. | ||
| And acting's work. | ||
| That's a job. | ||
| Stand-up is not a job. | ||
| Even when the hard part, coming up with new material and putting together a new hour and, you know, trying to structure it and, you know, and worrying, you know, how you're going to fill time, how you're going to start, don't forget anything, I don't want to go up in notes though, fuck, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it. | ||
| That's still, that kind of work is nothing compared to the work of doing somebody else's stuff. | ||
| Yeah, because in stand-up you get back exactly what you put into it. | ||
| And I find sometimes I go on the road and I'll be like, wow, I just worked two weekends in a row. | ||
| I don't have a single new joke. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Did I just go collect a paycheck? | ||
| Because if I did, I need to get another line of work. | ||
| Because I got kids at home. | ||
| That's too precious. | ||
| If I'm going to be away... | ||
| I gotta be creating. | ||
| I gotta be doing the thing that got me into the business in the first place. | ||
| And that's what ultimately leads to more success. | ||
| You gotta go back to that fun, that danger, that need. | ||
| You gotta need it when you get up there. | ||
| We were talking the other day about guys who get old that lose their funny because they get too rich, too comfortable. | ||
| They don't need it when they get up there. | ||
| Well, we were talking, we were playing pool about bands that just, no one even wants to hear any of their new shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then other bands, every time there's a new, you know, blank album, you know, people are interested. | ||
| Like, the Rolling Stones released an album recently. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Was it a re-release of old stuff? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Somebody told me that the Rolling... | ||
| I should be sure before I say that. | ||
| Well, Springsteen's got a new one and I can't wait to get it. | ||
| I heard that it's good. | ||
| People have been saying... | ||
| That it's good. | ||
| And I feel the same way about the Chili Peppers. | ||
| I still, and some people, a lot of people disagree. | ||
| I think that they're putting out their best stuff now. | ||
| That Californication is a great fucking song, man. | ||
| That's a great song. | ||
| That was, remember Brian, when we were in Phoenix? | ||
| That was like the theme song for Phoenix? | ||
| It just came out, and it was so good. | ||
| We were like, play it again. | ||
| Play that shit again. | ||
| Yeah, they got another new album that came out about six months ago that's Dynamite. | ||
| Subcategories. | ||
| It doesn't have it. | ||
| I'm looking at their albums. | ||
| Coming up next, we got the Chili Peppers at you, followed by the Stones' new CD, Corbett on Stage. | ||
| How many guys get to do that voice? | ||
| There's a lot of guys that make a living doing that voice. | ||
| My dad was one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, he was a broadcaster. | ||
| He did exactly what we're doing right now, except he introduced records. | ||
| He wasn't a cheeseball, but he was one of the biggest disc jockeys in New York for 20 years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you grew up with that. | ||
| Yeah, I grew up going in and watching him. | ||
| In the shadow of show business. | ||
| You grew up looking at it. | ||
| Yeah, he was famous in New York. | ||
| I mean, we couldn't walk down the street. | ||
| Everybody, Fitzy! | ||
| Hey, Fitz! | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty cool. | ||
| What kind of talk radio did he do? | ||
| He did real liberal spewing hate callers, people that couldn't stand him, and he'd take them on. | ||
| He was a tough guy from the Bronx, and he could back it up. | ||
| Smart guy. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| That was like the only time audience members could interact before Twitter. | ||
| You know, now people get fucking shit on you. | ||
| People used to be able to catch you on the phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I just want to say I think you're a fucking bum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be able to call you up like, oh, we're going to go to the phone calls. | ||
| Oh, they're bubbling with anger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you could pretty much be filtered from most of them unless you went on a few shows. | ||
| Well, I do a show still on SiriusXM on Stern's channel, and we get a call screen that shows me like whatever seven or eight calls are up. | ||
| Name, where they're from, what they want to talk about. | ||
| And if it says, thinks you're a piece of shit and you suck, click, hey, how you doing, Bill in Denver? | ||
| Those are the only calls I take. | ||
| I love it because I know that after two or three minutes they're going to go, I'm fucking around, dude, I love you. | ||
| Or just silence and a hang-up because they couldn't back up. | ||
| They're opening fucking barrage. | ||
| They couldn't back up. | ||
| Well, Greg, I should preface this by saying that Greg is one of those guys where every now and then, like today or yesterday, I got a message from him. | ||
| Who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Some guy on Twitter that's giving him a hard time. | ||
| Do you know who this fucking guy is? | ||
| I'll tell you what, meet these fucking cowards face to face. | ||
| You actually pull your pants up and go, get off my lawn! | ||
| You actually will engage them. | ||
| Dude, I almost got in a fist fight the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| On stage the other night. | ||
| I was in Chicago. | ||
| You did get in a fist fight in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, many. | ||
| Many. | ||
| In Boston at Stitches. | ||
| Didn't some guy come on stage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you got in a fist fight with them. | ||
| They separate you. | ||
| Everything gets separated. | ||
| And then Greg goes up to the mic and goes, all right, who's next? | ||
| I got my ass kicked. | ||
| He had me in a headlock. | ||
| He just got out of the Israeli army and he had me in a headlock. | ||
| He's spinning me around like a fucking helicopter. | ||
| And I go, alright, who's next? | ||
| You remember the video of the guy with the guitar? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Some guy beat the fucking dude in the audience over the head with a guitar. | ||
| And that was back when people did videotape shit. | ||
| That was magic because it was actually... | ||
| Nowadays, you probably can find that all over the place, but that was legendary. | ||
| But no, I still get into fistfights. | ||
| This guy was heckling me from the back. | ||
| He didn't heckle me. | ||
| I'm doing this joke about Hispanics. | ||
| And he goes, back off! | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| Back off! | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back off! | |
| I go, alright, fine. | ||
| And I ask for a wireless mic for this exact reason. | ||
| I fucking walk right off. | ||
| He's in the back row. | ||
| Place is packed. | ||
| Walk right up to his table. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| You don't need to be talking about Hispanics. | ||
| I go, I just shit on Jewish people, Chinese people, Irish people, black people. | ||
| You're last in line. | ||
| I'm not even a tack and nothing. | ||
| And he's fucking fist clenched looking at me. | ||
| I go, come on, man. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| And I just fucking eye contact, three feet away, like go ahead, stand up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Do you shoot you or stab you or something? | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I am drawn. | ||
| You just get crazy? | ||
| I get crazy. | ||
| Irish. | ||
| I'm Irish and I think it's also on stage. | ||
| That's my fucking stage, man. | ||
| But you're not. | ||
| You're in the audience. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I remember I had a joke about Roswell, New Mexico, about the UFO crash and about how the government, they're printed in the paper. | ||
| I actually have the day's newspaper, the Roswell Daily Record. | ||
| It's at my house in a frame. | ||
| It said, we have recovered a flying disc that the government says. | ||
| This is the first captured flying saucer. | ||
| Then the next day they said, oh, it was just a balloon. | ||
| I go, what about the aliens? | ||
| I go, those are Mexicans. | ||
| Apparently they were up in the balloon, they were drinking, some shenanigans took place, but they thought it was a piñata. | ||
| This chick stands up at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be fucking talking about Mexicans! | |
| Don't be fucking talking about Mexicans! | ||
| I go, did you even listen to what I said? | ||
| Like, I'm not even making fun of Mexicans. | ||
| I'm making fun of the government for a lame excuse for this crashed UFO. And it's a simple joke about the word aliens having two meanings. | ||
| Not really much deeper than that. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| But no, I hit a hot button. | ||
| Some people are so stupid, just the word is a hot button. | ||
| Oh, this is my favorite. | ||
| I'm doing a college and I do this joke. | ||
| It's probably... | ||
| You probably remember it. | ||
| This is fucking way long ago. | ||
| And I said, in college I was on the crew team, the rowing team, and I didn't know anything about the sport except when I'd seen those ancient Roman slave ship movies. | ||
| So I showed up for the first day of practice with a big drum and a whip, and we won the league that year, and we captured one of Harvard ships and sold them off as slaves in the Adriatic Sea. | ||
| Stupid joke. | ||
| And exactly the kind of joke you probably hated me for when I was coming up. | ||
| Like, clever, not that funny... | ||
| You're paranoid, man. | ||
| I didn't hate you for your jokes. | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| So I'm at the college and I do that joke and this fucking black chick goes, you don't do no fucking jokes about slaves? | ||
| And I go, ma'am, ma'am, collect yourself. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Talking about Roman slaves. | ||
| They were white. | ||
| You didn't corner the market on slavery. | ||
| Sit down. | ||
| And fucking she wouldn't stop. | ||
| Wouldn't stop in the face of a fact that went against her whole fucking... | ||
| So what are you saying? | ||
| That slavery has never existed? | ||
| Or that because blacks have been one of the groups that has been subjugated into slavery that you're defending all slavery? | ||
| Is it just not on the table? | ||
| It should not be discussed? | ||
| Because you're a college where you're supposed to discuss shit. | ||
| And break it down. | ||
| And I just went off on that rant. | ||
| Well, I found that colleges were more PC and more restricted and censored than anywhere. | ||
| People would get upset if you would bring up anything controversial. | ||
| Look at the board. | ||
| Anything racial. | ||
| Well, anything racial, anything sexist, anything homophobic, but there's a difference between racist and racial. | ||
| There's a difference between discussing homosexuality and homophobic, and they can't make that distinction. | ||
| It's all buzzwords. | ||
| And just real facts about humanity that people don't want you to talk about when it comes to You know, a bunch of different races. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It's part of, you know, what's interesting about life is like discussing what different people do in different parts of the world, you know? | ||
| And I love that when you bring up religion on stage and somebody gets upset, like I'll say, I don't believe in the Ten Commandments. | ||
| And then you see somebody cross their arms and get pissed, and I just stop and go, okay, hold on, lady. | ||
| Am I a preacher? | ||
| Did you hire me to fucking lecture? | ||
| I'm a dick joke comic. | ||
| I tell jokes to drunks. | ||
| If you're looking at me as the guidance in you or anybody else's life, you're a fucking idiot. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| We're the lowest fucking form of speech in society. | ||
| I think AM talk radio is lower than us. | ||
| Oh, Phil Hendry? | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| He's really good, though. | ||
| He's coming on my show next week. | ||
| Is he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's awesome. | |
| That guy's hilarious. | ||
| He's a professional troll. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's he been up to lately? | |
| He trolled before the internet. | ||
| He's doing... | ||
| I think he's got a lot of podcast stuff and a website, but he's still got an AM show going in LA. Actually, Art Bell is AM radio as well. | ||
| Art Bell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, AM's more like the highbrow. | |
| Well, now you know they're doing a lot of sports is going to FM now, sports talk. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because people want to hear sports talk, but young generations don't even tune into AM. They just don't. | ||
| They don't even look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's like AM is just losing listeners. | ||
| People are dying off. | ||
| Yeah, the only time I've ever put on AM is to hear a sports game, which is rare because I don't listen to sports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mine's for traffic and news. | |
| Like if you're in your car and you're like, shit, I need to know what's going on because they always have like that every 10 minutes. | ||
| I only used to listen to when Art Bell was on. | ||
| When Art Bell was on AM, I'd be coming home from the Comedy Store at 1 o'clock in the morning listening to Art Bell. | ||
| Talking to some dude who just got here from Mars. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Art Bell had the best fucking show ever for driving by yourself late at night. | ||
| You know, because it was always some fucking UFO shit or cloning or... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pre-podcast, though, you'd probably be listening to something different. | |
| Yeah, but it was nothing like that on the air. | ||
| And shows like that, you could actually get your call through because it's late at night on AM. It's got three guys on the line, tops. | ||
| Well, didn't he have a guy who called and said that he was in Area 51? | ||
| I'm calling from Area 51. And then at the end, he yells and hangs up the phone. | ||
| Like, he's saying that they fucking captured him. | ||
| He's trying to tell him where all the UFOs are and all the security that we've got down here. | ||
| We have seven craft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe I'm telling you this, but there's seven disc-shaped crafts. | |
| They operate. | ||
| We don't understand what it is. | ||
| They sent us in here to back-engineer him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh, shh, hold on. | |
| Something's going! | ||
| Hold on! | ||
| And they just hang up the phone. | ||
| It's like Wilson Wells all over again. | ||
| Yeah, it probably was Phil Hendry. | ||
| Well, what do you think in terms of... | ||
| All right, you got a big podcast. | ||
| I have a fairly big podcast. | ||
| But I feel like, what the fuck could the future possibly hold except this freeform... | ||
| All content, no restriction radio. | ||
| How does that compare? | ||
| For free, anywhere you want it. | ||
| You can download it, listen when you want, pause it. | ||
| How does that compare to, I gotta have it on, it's streaming live, it's censored. | ||
| How do you think in 10 years people are going to listen? | ||
| Because it started as radio. | ||
| It's becoming... | ||
| Then it was satellite podcasting. | ||
| Do you think this is the one that's going to hold? | ||
| Well, I think there's a place for this. | ||
| And this isn't the ultimate thing to sit when you're home with your girl and you want to watch something on TV. You don't want to sit and watch a fucking podcast. | ||
| I mean, that's weird to sit and watch a conversation. | ||
| I think you maybe want to watch a movie or maybe want to watch a sitcom or... | ||
| But for times, especially when you're doing boring labor, you know, like you're fucking stacking boxes and shit. | ||
| Like there's a lot of people that are listening to this right now that are working jobs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And they either have an iPod on or they have a little, you know, a player somewhere where it's, you know, an MP3 player or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And they're listening to this while they're driving in their cars. | ||
| They're listening to this while they're on planes. | ||
| There's a place for this form of entertainment. | ||
| You know, and that's why I really don't have any desire to do anything else. | ||
| You know, I've thought about doing other different sort of TV projects, but really the best thing that I do is like this and stand-up. | ||
| And then the UFC. That's like enough stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like to venture off into more acting as well. | ||
| It's just pretending, you know? | ||
| Yeah, when I look at the fact that in stand-up and podcasting, I can literally say anything except kill the president. | ||
| It's a mind boggling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did you just... | ||
| He's not... | ||
| Mitt is not president yet. | ||
| I think I can say kill Mitt Romney. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't? | |
| You cannot. | ||
| No, he's running for president. | ||
| I'm just saying in theory... | ||
| But I guess my question really though is like, do you think that eventually it's going to be like you're going to turn on your radio in your car and it's going to be podcast streaming? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It already is. | |
| It already is. | ||
| Stitcher. | ||
| Ford has the sync, which has like a 3G build into it and like you can download like Stitcher and stuff like that. | ||
| But Stitcher steals content and you need to get off Stitcher. | ||
| I got off it. | ||
| I've gotten Corolla off it. | ||
| I've gotten everybody off it because... | ||
| They steal your content. | ||
| They cut and paste it. | ||
| You don't get any record of the downloads. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get full charts and records and numbers. | |
| They didn't used to. | ||
| And they're running ads. | ||
| They're running banner ads on your content. | ||
| So there's advertising going on your content that you're not participating in. | ||
| Yeah, those little iTunes ads. | ||
| Those are million dollar ads. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but this is what I know. | ||
| Stitcher is an easy resource to put something out that's already free. | ||
| My thing is already free. | ||
| And Stitcher allows more people to get my free shit. | ||
| That's how I look at it. | ||
| A lot of people like it. | ||
| They use it. | ||
| I think it's a good deal. | ||
| To me, it's just another distribution platform. | ||
| My advertisement is in Onnit.com, which I own part of, and in the Fleshlight, which has been our sponsor since we were on a laptop with fucking snowflakes in the background. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So for me, I like Stitcher. | ||
| I like the fact that it gets to other people. | ||
| Some people don't like it because it can mess with your iTunes, your ratings, your iTunes numbers. | ||
| But we're always in the top ten, and we have every way you can get it. | ||
| You can download it as a free MP3. You can have it through an RSS feed. | ||
| You can have it through Stitcher. | ||
| You can have it through Ustream. | ||
| You can have it through Vimeo. | ||
| We have it on iTunes. | ||
| We make it as readily available as you can get a copy of it, throw it up on torrents. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Do whatever you want with it. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| But say you had a CD, right? | ||
| Somebody buys it. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| All right, say somebody... | ||
| I mean, to me, it doesn't even need a metaphor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something that's free. | |
| Your content is being taken and sold, basically. | ||
| They have done a service for me, and they've distributed it to me for me to even more. | ||
| But you can do that service. | ||
| But I'm already doing that service, and they have expanded my market. | ||
| They've given more people something that I do for free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they have a good product. | |
| That I do for free anyway, and I only do... | ||
| I mean, I only do it free. | ||
| So if more people get my free podcast, good. | ||
| So if somebody's making a couple bucks selling ads in order to distribute my podcast, that's what it's worth to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that much money. | |
| Well, I guess for me, my issue is I have ads that I get paid per download and that they weren't giving me the count on those. | ||
| So that was taking money out of my pocket. | ||
| And then on top of it, when I found out that they were running ads on my content, that's double Yeah. | ||
| That's a double whammy. | ||
| And to me, it's like the more guys that are on Stitcher, the more people just go, well, fuck it. | ||
| I'm just going to listen to podcasts on Stitcher instead of people going, I'm not going to be on this thing because it's a bad business model for the future of podcasting. | ||
| You have a different sort of a take on it. | ||
| My take on it is not based on, I didn't have a thing that would pay me based on downloads. | ||
| So that makes a lot more sense that you'd be pissed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but now you have the numbers. | |
| You can give them those numbers of those downloads. | ||
| I actually use Stitcher so much because I like the software. | ||
| Yeah, you know, that would actually be a thing if you could work it into, that'd be like the best solution. | ||
| Like, listen, I still have additional downloads outside of iTunes. | ||
| Can we incorporate those in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why wouldn't you add them up anyways? | |
| They should be able to because they're still legitimate listeners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| I guess I got miffed because I found out about it and I emailed them. | ||
| They didn't respond. | ||
| And then when they finally did, they denied it. | ||
| And then when they were found to be, oh, no, yeah, we do do that, but we'll give you like a penny per million. | ||
| And it's like, first of all, don't make me an offer now that you've already stolen it and sold it and made money. | ||
| And now you're I want to negotiate and give me a shitty offer. | ||
| So I just thought, these are bad people. | ||
| These are not. | ||
| And I've had the same conversation with a number of big podcasters who had the same experience. | ||
| When they confronted them, they denied it. | ||
| They made shitty offers. | ||
| They were disrespectful. | ||
| And to me, it's setting up a business model. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| You do this, say you do this, say fuck it, I'm doing four podcasts a week and I'm not going to go on the road. | ||
| I'm going to sell ads. | ||
| Now all of a sudden there's going to be other aggregator sites like Stitcher that have already culled your RSS feed, copied it, pasted it so it's not connected and you're not getting counts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you have public RSS feeds on your website? | |
| Yes, but they have to be, you know, they have to stream through my RSS feed. | ||
| They can't just take the content. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, if they stream your RSS feed then that means... | |
| But they don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, I mean, that means that you're just saying that any player can do the same thing Stitcher does. | |
| We cannot have another RSS feed argument. | ||
| Alright, yeah, yeah, let's not do that. | ||
| Let's talk about the goddamn political race. | ||
| But it is an important point that you're bringing up, and especially what you were saying that, you know, you were getting paid by the download. | ||
| And I didn't have any experience with negotiating with them because to me, it was nothing but a good thing. | ||
| So I didn't get to experience the lying or whatever you say you experienced. | ||
| I didn't get to experience that because my take right away was like, okay, good. | ||
| Now more people can hear it. | ||
| We have hundreds of thousands of people that listen outside of iTunes. | ||
| So for us... | ||
| To have the more distribution that way, the better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Stitcher's actually really good people. | |
| I had dinner with the president, and he was a really nice guy. | ||
| Of course they're good people. | ||
| You're giving them free content. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They probably love you. | ||
| I'm giving free content out to every single person in the world, and they just happen to have a player that they use. | ||
| I mean, it does the same thing. | ||
| See, I don't get what you and a few of the other podcasters guys are saying because you're giving something for free out anyways. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Didn't you have an argument with somebody on the show? | ||
| All right, well then, fuck it. | ||
| I don't want to go down that road. | ||
| Let's just say that I said my piece. | ||
| I get you. | ||
| We're both going after different things. | ||
| It's a podcast. | ||
| And I guess there's going to be... | ||
| Look, we're finding... | ||
| Podcasting is finding its footing and how it's going to be delivered. | ||
| And this will be an ongoing discussion and see what makes most sense and what's the most ethical. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, a bunch of guys are doing different things. | ||
| Like, Maren, I know, has a thing where you can't get his old ones unless you pay. | ||
| Yeah, premium listenership. | ||
| Yeah, premium. | ||
| Yeah, that's smart. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| I think he's done really well with that. | ||
| Yeah, but it seems to me like you're charging something for something that you also have for free. | ||
| Like, why not just have it for free? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just trying to find new ways to make money. | |
| I know, but it seems weird. | ||
| The old ones, they have to pay for the old ones? | ||
| Don't you want them to get all your stuff? | ||
| If you want any of it free, it seems to me that it should all be free. | ||
| Well, I think so, to a point. | ||
| I think that a lot of times with premium membership, they take out the commercials. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And they, you know, a lot of times, like, I have something I give away for free, which is, like, the best of Fitz Dog Radio. | ||
| And it's just, I've got, like, five or six, like, Zach Galifianakis and Jimmy Kimmel, like, some bigger names. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I sort of took the best five, six, eight minutes from each as a way of just promoting the show and putting it out there. | ||
| Originally, I was thinking, oh, I should make a bunch of best ofs and sell them. | ||
| And I went, no, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| I'd rather drive people. | ||
| It's all about building. | ||
| I just want more and more people to experience it. | ||
| If they like it, keep listening. | ||
| If not, they tried it. | ||
| Well, what we started doing is Brian started that Death Squad network of podcasts just for that very reason when I was telling you about it at the pool hall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To try to expand, to use the popularity of this podcast to make that more popular and sort of launch all these little different guys off into their own little podcast world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And because of podcasts, a lot of our friends are making a living now that weren't making a living before. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| And they've done it. | ||
| And they've done it through content, not through marketing their name or their last comic standing appearance. | ||
| But actually, you've listened hour after hour to me, and now you're going to be inclined to come see it. | ||
| They'd love to come see it. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz, apparently they did a gig up in upstate New York. | ||
| Joey got a standing ovation from the entire fucking room. | ||
| They freaked out as soon as they saw him. | ||
| He's a star. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He should have been like that a long time ago. | ||
| He needed something like a podcast to really let the audience see who the fuck he really was. | ||
| The day that Whitney Houston died, I said in honor of the death of the great Whitney Houston, here's a video of Joey Diaz talking about selling coke to her. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| The day she died? | ||
| She died. | ||
| I totally should have done it. | ||
| I totally should have done it. | ||
| It was so rude. | ||
| Did you get a lot of shit about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| Look, that was one that everybody saw coming. | ||
| I mean, that was ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, Whitney Houston had that TV show with Bobby Brown. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's my shit! | ||
| Crack is whack! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They'd be screaming at each other. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'd be screaming at each other. | |
| Remember when they would be? | ||
| I said they'd be screaming at each other. | ||
| I didn't say they'd be screaming at each other. | ||
| I said they'd be. | ||
| How dare you, Brian? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| They'd be screaming. | ||
| That's offensive to some people. | ||
| You can't even say that. | ||
| They'd be screaming. | ||
| You can't talk like that. | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you can. | |
| You can. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| They'd be talking like woo-wee. | ||
| Yeah, you're not allowed to. | ||
| You're not allowed to say that. | ||
| I find the more I say it, the more I'm allowed to. | ||
| You know, it's all about saying it a lot. | ||
| You have to, like, stay wet. | ||
| It's like, you know when you get out of the pool and you dry off and then you don't want to go back in? | ||
| Just stay wet. | ||
| Our vocabulary is slowly being diminished. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, someone talked about the Jeremy Lin incident where a reporter got in trouble for saying a chink in his arm. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Accidentally. | ||
| He wasn't saying it as a joke. | ||
| It slipped out. | ||
| That is what you say. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| So we're supposed to run every fucking thing we say through the prism of political correctness and who might... | ||
| How do you talk? | ||
| Craziness. | ||
| Or unless the guy was trying to be cute. | ||
| Because then you have to say, if the guy was just trying to be cute, yeah, that's kind of a douchey thing to do. | ||
| If the guy was just trying... | ||
| I mean, he's never really going to admit it. | ||
| He's not going to say, look, I was trying to be cute. | ||
| I got caught. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I said chink. | ||
| He's a Chinese guy. | ||
| You get it? | ||
| You know, but people were upset enough that that guy, like, he got suspended, right? | ||
| He got fired. | ||
| No, I think the writer, somebody wrote it, and then he said it. | ||
| I think the broadcaster might have gotten suspended or got his wrist slapped, but I think the guy who wrote it into the copy was fired. | ||
| Well, he was probably trying to be cute. | ||
| If he wrote it, actually wrote it down. | ||
| Come on, when you write things, you think about them way more than just say them. | ||
| It's hard to think he didn't catch that. | ||
| I said kamikaze this weekend in Japan during a fight and it was totally accidental. | ||
| Because a guy was losing. | ||
| But it's okay. | ||
| Kamikaze is not like in Japan. | ||
| Saying kamikaze in Japan is not like calling someone a chink. | ||
| They were revered warriors that risked their lives. | ||
| They're brave to have done... | ||
| They extinguished them. | ||
| Well, they were pretty sure they were going to die and they were correct. | ||
| But there was a dude who was losing, and I said, look, he's losing. | ||
| The only way he's going to win this fight is if he goes just fucking kamikaze at him. | ||
| I didn't even think about it until somebody wrote it online. | ||
| I can't believe Rogan said kamikaze. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| That's what I would always say. | ||
| You've got to just go kill or be killed. | ||
| Just go in there. | ||
| Dive bomb on him. | ||
| No, I write on a lot of black shows for some reason. | ||
| I've written on like four black shows. | ||
| And I always say shit. | ||
| Well, Wanda Sykes and Cedric the Entertainer Presents. | ||
| That was the first gig I ever got. | ||
| Louis brought me onto that. | ||
| And then I wrote on Jamie Foxx's show this past spring. | ||
| And so every time I come in, it's like because I'm white and it's almost always like all... | ||
| Like the Jamie Foxx thing, I was the only white guy. | ||
| And I was brought in. | ||
| Things weren't going well. | ||
| And then they brought me in and Hugh Fink to try to help out. | ||
| What was the Jamie Foxx thing? | ||
| It was this guy named Afion Crockett had a sketch show that Jamie Foxx was producing. | ||
| It was a late night talk show. | ||
| Everything I said was taken like, oh, you got to say whip. | ||
| Let's whip this into shape kind of thing. | ||
| It was always like, Oh, there he goes again! | ||
| They were calling me Mr. Magoo because I would just blindly walk into things. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Nobody was offended, but it was like the running joke. | ||
| It's so easy to just say the wrong fucking thing. | ||
| No, it was hilarious. | ||
| It was like classic ball busting. | ||
| No, it's hard, man, because I really do feel like every time you put a word... | ||
| Take it off the table. | ||
| You're taking the idea off the table. | ||
| What you're really doing is saying, no, we're not allowed to explore, discuss, dissect, and possibly deflate an idea. | ||
| We have to just pretend it's not there because it's just, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know where political correctness even comes from. | ||
| Who came up with the idea that people go to college where you're supposed to open your mind and then tell a comedian that he can't tell a bunch of 20-year-olds you can't say fuck. | ||
| I can't say fuck in front of a bunch of 20-year-olds. | ||
| All they do is fuck and drink and I can't talk about drinking or fucking. | ||
| Why am I here? | ||
| Why are you charging them 30 grand a year? | ||
| For what? | ||
| To protect them from ideas at college? | ||
| Do you know that the Board of Governors of every major university is overwhelmingly occupied by Fortune 500 board members? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| College is there to create middle managers. | ||
| It's there to dull down anybody that's going to challenge the status quo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My wife's dad is a- I thought it was just there to ruin neighborhoods. | |
| All the Ivy League schools are in the worst fucking neighborhoods. | ||
| Columbia. | ||
| Well, Harvard. | ||
| Yale. | ||
| You can get shot and stabbed anywhere near Harvard. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Berkeley, I think, at one point was a bad neighbor, but I think it's good now. | ||
| Berkeley is good now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but it's close to Oakland, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it's Oakland and then Berkeley. | ||
| But the point is, my wife's dad, who graduated number one in his class from Yale, got a medical degree, ran for president on the Green Party in California in 2000, and got close to Nader. | ||
| Brilliant fucking guy. | ||
| His textbooks are published all over the world. | ||
| He had the Alger Hiss chair in sociology at Bard College. | ||
| Very progressive, liberal, Jewish school in New York. | ||
| And he wrote a book that was anti-Zionist. | ||
| In his opinion, Israel is a terrorist state that has attacked the Palestinians in, you know... | ||
| He lost his chair. | ||
| Was fired. | ||
| Because the alumni didn't like his view. | ||
| What the fuck is a college supposed to be? | ||
| Discourse. | ||
| Argument. | ||
| But that's not what it is. | ||
| It's just preparing people for work. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, it's sort of discourse and argument, but it's also preparing you for work. | ||
| For what work? | ||
| I mean, if you look at the future of this country, where is the work coming from? | ||
| It ain't coming from the fucking auto factories. | ||
| It ain't coming from the farms. | ||
| We don't know where it's coming from. | ||
| It's going to come from minds that have gone into the depths of challenged ideas and come out of it with the tools to take the status quo and change it and create and develop. | ||
| I couldn't imagine even existing and going to school in the age of the internet. | ||
| It must be so fucking different. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It must be so different. | ||
| Because you can't stop anybody from googling anything at any time. | ||
| The teacher can't be full of shit. | ||
| Everything has to be checked and the information is passing so quickly. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| No, you can go to classes. | ||
| I forget, I was talking to somebody in college and they were gonna sit down and open up their laptop to watch the class that they'd missed because they videotaped the lectures. | ||
| And you can just download them. | ||
| So you got an eight o'clock class in January in Boston, you gonna get out of bed? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| You wait two hours and you watch it on your computer. | ||
| So why are you in Boston paying for a dorm room and all this shit? | ||
| Just go to, what's the online university? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phoenix. | |
| Phoenix. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| University of Phoenix or whatever. | ||
| Well, I think MIT offers... | ||
| They offer a lot of their lectures available online as well. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of, like... | ||
| You can literally get... | ||
| I mean, there was, like, the education joke in the... | ||
| What was the movie with... | ||
| Matt Damon and... | ||
| Striptease? | ||
| No, the Boston boys. | ||
| Matt Damon and... | ||
| Show me the apples. | ||
| That's Matt Damon. | ||
| Cinderella. | ||
| Who's the one who married Jennifer Lopez? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aflac. | |
| Apocalypse Now. | ||
| Good Will Hunting. | ||
| Good Will Hunting. | ||
| Remember, you know, he was talking about his Harvard education and he was just joking about, yeah, you get that with a library card. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get that education with a library card. | ||
| Who was the comic in Boston who talked about, like, going to Harvard versus another school and it's how much better it is? | ||
| It's like, what do they have professors at other schools that go, sorry, I can't teach you that. | ||
| You gotta go to Harvard to learn that. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure it's just more competitive, right? | ||
| Well, I think it's about networking. | ||
| You're going to go to school with kids whose dads went to Harvard and they could afford to pay this and who had the juice to get you in. | ||
| And those are going to be your cohorts as you grow older. | ||
| You want to call in a favor? | ||
| You want to call a friend from fucking University of Phoenix or from Harvard? | ||
| Who's going to help you out more? | ||
| Yeah, and they're most likely all going to be successful as well as they get older. | ||
| And what's really interesting is those guys that get into, like, secret societies when they're in college. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Skull and crossbones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| That's real! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's fucking real. | ||
| Those Ivy League schools, like, really high-end schools that the Illuminati all send their kids to, they really do join secret societies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the skull and bones, they, like, really do, like, weird gay shit to each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah, cloaks. | ||
| And robes and fucking hitting each other. | ||
| They do a lot of weird shit. | ||
| And then there's stuff that's more out on the surface. | ||
| They're called dinner clubs at Harvard. | ||
| And you try to get into a dinner club. | ||
| And it's a more transparent version of Skull and Bones. | ||
| But it's the same thing. | ||
| These are my boys. | ||
| We're going to watch each other's backs in college, beyond college. | ||
| And the criteria for getting in are fucking creepy. | ||
| This one happens to be all Jewish. | ||
| This one is all German-Jewish. | ||
| This one is all... | ||
| People whose grandparents came over on the Mayflower. | ||
| It's all like these specific fucking cliques. | ||
| And it's the same thing I was thinking like... | ||
| And it's an origin-based clique? | ||
| Not always. | ||
| I think there's different ways they distinguish themselves. | ||
| And I'm sure some of them are based on like, you know, this is somebody who worked, who's done a lot of community service work, so let's have a dinner club. | ||
| But a lot of them are based on, you know, your blue blood, you know, what your DNA is, and who your parents were. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| Also, but then on the other hand, like I remember Boston University, there was like the French house. | ||
| There was the gay house. | ||
| There was the, you know, black house. | ||
| It's like, I thought the idea was that we were all going to get together and mix it up and get to know each other. | ||
| Why are we fucking secluding? | ||
| This is segregation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it certainly is. | ||
| I'm against college. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I really feel like my kids, I've got a college savings account. | ||
| They got about two years paid for each at this point. | ||
| And I don't think I'm putting any more into it. | ||
| And when they turn 17, I'm going to go, you got two choices. | ||
| You can fucking waste your brain for a few years of college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or join the circus. | |
| Or take this money, join the circus, go to Europe and backpack. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, but you're gonna work. | ||
| You're gonna explore, challenge. | ||
| Louis C.K.'s mom saved up all this money to send him to college, and then when he had a chance, he went to NYU film school, got in, looked around, and said, Mom, I got an idea for a short film. | ||
| Can I take this money and make the film? | ||
| I think I can learn more than I can at the school. | ||
| And she thought about it. | ||
| And she gave him the money. | ||
| He made a short film. | ||
| Got into Sundance. | ||
| He ended up as the head writer of the Conan O'Brien Show. | ||
| And then Chris... | ||
| I mean, it was like, you know, there's other ways to make it in the world if you really know what you want besides going to college and being fucking coddled for four years. | ||
| Yeah, well, I always felt like just learning, like sticking to their lessons. | ||
| Like, if you... | ||
| You have to have some sort of a base of education. | ||
| You have to be able to express yourself in the world. | ||
| You have to be able to understand things. | ||
| But once you get to a certain point, when you're 17 or 18 years old, if you have an idea of something you want to do, you know, if you want to be a gymnast, you want to be a professional gymnast or a fucking bike racer... | ||
| It's not going to help you to learn Roman history. | ||
| It's really not. | ||
| You know what it's in fact going to do? | ||
| It's going to take up a lot of time. | ||
| It's going to take away some of your focus from doing your other shit. | ||
| Yeah, prime time of your youth. | ||
| Oh, you're going to be in a band, but in the meantime, you're going to learn calculus. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| You know what you're going to do? | ||
| You're going to have a shitty guitar skill. | ||
| You're not going to be as good. | ||
| You're just not. | ||
| You're not going to get in. | ||
| You're going to be on the outside because you half-assed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I think you've got to go out. | ||
| Like, I took a year off after high school. | ||
| I never thought I'd go to college, and I traveled around. | ||
| I saved three grand. | ||
| I went to Europe for six months with a backpack, and I came back going like, wow, I want to go to college. | ||
| There's a lot of shit I want to learn, and I'm not ready to be out there. | ||
| Like, I knew I wanted to be a writer, and I wanted to go. | ||
| I wanted to study great works. | ||
| I wanted to learn how to write, and I did, and it was a great experience for me. | ||
| I wouldn't have known it if I'd gone straight in from high school, and I also think that, like, BOCES should be offered earlier in high school. | ||
| When you're a sophomore, you may know that you want to be... | ||
| Oh, in New York, they call it BOCES. It's like a vocational school. | ||
| Like if you know you don't want to learn calculus and you're a sophomore, you can start going to cooking classes or small engine repair. | ||
| And by the time you graduate high school, you're qualified to be a chef or a lead mechanic and eventually own a shop. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of people don't want their kids to be boxed in like that because then if the kid grows up and then eventually wants to actually go to college, well, now he doesn't even have the base for it. | ||
| And he can't even compete. | ||
| No, you still get your core classes done. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But instead of learning, say, a second language, which you have to do in high school, you sub out those for these voc... | ||
| You go away like three days a week for half a day to a vocational place. | ||
| Okay, now I remember the name BOCES. Now that you're saying that, now I remember it. | ||
| It sounds like a slander, but it's actually the name of the program. | ||
| Yeah, I forgot about that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, who the fuck knows what they... | ||
| I mean, I didn't figure out what I wanted until I was 21, what I wanted to do. | ||
| I really didn't know until I started doing stand-up. | ||
| Did you go to college? | ||
| Yeah, I went to UMass Boston. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You finished? | ||
| No, I only went for three years. | ||
| And I only went because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser. | ||
| That's the only reason why I went. | ||
| I barely paid attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lot of money to not pay attention to. | |
| And it was weird. | ||
| I would be taking classes and one of them was a weird sociology class with this fucking guy. | ||
| I'll never forget this guy because he was from Haiti. | ||
| And... | ||
| No matter what we talked about. | ||
| No matter what we talked about. | ||
| When you talked about the philosophical works of Leonardo da Vinci, whether it was, you know, anything it was. | ||
| Back in Haiti, what we would do is we would say this, and he would always, no matter what the fuck we talked to him, so that became, like, all I could concentrate on was how many different things this motherfucker could connect to Haiti. | ||
| Because he always wanted to hear himself talk, because I think he was learning English. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, so he wanted to hear it. | ||
| Well, back in Haiti... | ||
| That's all he would say. | ||
| And you just want to go, dude, you're not in Haiti for a reason. | ||
| Why are you trying to draw from that well? | ||
| This is the new well. | ||
| He would wear a tie, a suit and tie in college. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| He wanted to argue about everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the fucking Haitians, man, they like to argue. | ||
| That's why I talk to my cab drivers. | ||
| They're either Haitian. | ||
| I talked to this guy. | ||
| He was an Iranian cab driver the other day. | ||
| And he's taking me back from the airport. | ||
| And we start talking about this and that. | ||
| I was talking to him about... | ||
| You know, whether or not he thinks that we're gonna bomb Iran. | ||
| I go right into it with them, like, do you think we're gonna bomb Iran? | ||
| And we get into religion, and he goes, you know, I don't know, I couldn't be there because they wanted you to, he was a Muslim, that they wanted you to believe this, and they couldn't accept it. | ||
| I could just believe that it was exactly the conversation we had earlier about atheism. | ||
| He goes, I know there's a God. | ||
| I know there's a power. | ||
| I don't think that man has the capacity to assign meaning to it or to understand it. | ||
| And I was sitting back going, Here's an immigrant from Iran who drives a cab. | ||
| I grew up upper middle class in New York, college educated, I'm a comedian, and I feel exactly the same way spiritually as this guy does. | ||
| And that's fucking amazing to me. | ||
| It doesn't matter what culture you're from, it transcends that. | ||
| I think if somebody, like you were saying, if you really examine yourself and you're truthful about what your reality is, it comes out. | ||
| There is one human experience, I think. | ||
| College, to me, is supposed to be a place where they pull that shit out, where they say, look, here's four years. | ||
| We're going to give you a place to live, a place to eat. | ||
| Now just fucking go to town on your brain. | ||
| Someone needs to develop a much more unconventional method of teaching people where they truly can go towards things only that they're interested in. | ||
| You've got all your mathematics and everything already. | ||
| Instead of learning about history, what the fuck do you want to learn about? | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| This is what we'll qualify you for. | ||
| Get really good at that. | ||
| What are you interested in? | ||
| You're interested in this. | ||
| Let's take you down that road. | ||
| But so many people don't even get that opportunity. | ||
| You're forced to fit into a hole, whether it's a round hole or a square hole, whatever it is, you're forced to conform to become whatever the fuck that hole is. | ||
| And then when you have people that were, like that girl Jennifer that I was dating, had restaurant hotel management. | ||
| That was her major. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| And that poor fucking girl, she went from right out of college to working 16 hours a day, every fucking day. | ||
| She was always exhausted. | ||
| She was always broken down. | ||
| And that's what she had to look forward to. | ||
| All the people in the restaurant, hotel, bar, management world, those fucking people would work for a salary, always salary, no one got paid overtime, and your work was never done. | ||
| And you spent four years not doing that, so you're behind the people that started doing the same shit. | ||
| What it's also about is technology and digital media. | ||
| Information and the progress of every industry changes so fast. | ||
| If you're going to college, you're learning your industry from a guy who learned it before you started college. | ||
| You're learning yesterday's industry. | ||
| And then you're going to try to go into computers or you're going to try to go into, you know, even acting. | ||
| There's different styles of acting. | ||
| You go and you've got these old acting teachers that learn from Stanislavski and they're teaching you, you know, repeat and answer and repeat. | ||
| I fucking suck at auditioning. | ||
| I spent two years at the Neighborhood Playhouse in New York and I fucking suck at auditioning. | ||
| I'm a good actor, but I don't get the chance because I fucking suck my own dick when I go into a casting room. | ||
| Nobody taught me how to do that. | ||
| Because they wanted to teach you Russian theater. | ||
| And it's the same with every industry. | ||
| You're learning the fucking dinosaur method of things. | ||
| Yeah, that used to be the way it was with martial arts until the Ultimate Fighting Championship sort of came around. | ||
| Everybody was learning this old style of doing things where it already evolved past that. | ||
| It should have been in a completely different stratosphere, but everybody was holding on to the traditional methods and no one was exchanging information. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who is the first person, who would you say is the first pioneer in that kind of crossover mixed martial arts? | ||
| Well, the most significant guy is Hoist Gracie, because he was the guy that won the first Ultimate Fighting Championship, and he won it in a way that proved that a smaller man with more skill could defeat a bigger man. | ||
| Because that was always the goal of martial arts, was like the Bruce Lee thing, where this little guy could fuck up everybody. | ||
| But the reality is, in striking, that really doesn't work. | ||
| Because little people can't hit as hard. | ||
| They just can't. | ||
| I mean, a little guy who can kick you in the face, yeah, it can hurt you. | ||
| But the reality is, most fights end up on the ground. | ||
| And the little guy might throw a kick and slip because the fucking beer bottle fell on the floor and there's water everywhere. | ||
| And you don't have the footing to throw fucking wild head kicks in the middle of a bar. | ||
| But when push comes to shove and you tangle and you go to the ground, then you have to understand how to grapple. | ||
| And what the jujitsu that Hoyce Gracie had when he fought in the UFC was Brazilian jujitsu. | ||
| And no one here knew what the fuck that was. | ||
| Dudes had no idea what that guy was doing. | ||
| But UFC at that point, that was chain link fences and it was in another country, right? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Denver, Colorado was the first one. | ||
| It was put together by Horian Gracie, who is Hoyce's older brother, who's a lawyer. | ||
| He's a very smart guy. | ||
| What year is this about? | ||
| 1993. And it changed everything. | ||
| Because my whole life I had been a striker. | ||
| I had done kickboxing and taekwondo. | ||
| It was all striking. | ||
| And this was the first time that I had seen what could happen with submissions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd wrestled in high school, but I never really pursued it much after the one year in high school. | ||
| I'd never learned any choke holds or anything like that. | ||
| And seeing this guy just dismantle people on the ground, you'd be like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what would I do? | ||
| Like, all these other guys, these big, strong guys are getting strangled. | ||
| What would I do? | ||
| He'd strangle me too, you know? | ||
| It was an inescapable conclusion. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I was like, the inescapable conclusion is, if you didn't know what this guy knew and you let him get a hold of you, you're fucked. | ||
| So he changed it the most. | ||
| So he changed it the most, but in terms of what we're talking about, which is that when you try to do things differently, people will try to stop you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pragmatism. | ||
| It's still trying to fight off the stigma that it's this vicious back alley, too brutal, but wasn't this year kind of a big test for UFC going to that next level and going on network? | ||
| Yeah, because it came on Fox. | ||
| It is completely up the profile. | ||
| Is it a success? | ||
| Did it succeed? | ||
| Yes, and Fox is really enthusiastic about it. | ||
| They have a big long-term deal, and they've seen the UFC develop over the years. | ||
| It took a long time before they got interested in it, but they got interested in it. | ||
| At the perfect time because the product is so developed, the brand is so developed, the fighters are so high-level now. | ||
| I mean, the referees are great. | ||
| Safety is at the all-time high as far as scanning and checking. | ||
| Broadcasting is state-of-the-art. | ||
| It's easy as fuck. | ||
| That's the easiest thing. | ||
| Well, it's easy because you love it and you know it. | ||
| Yeah, it's very easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fun, exciting thing to do, but for me, it's as natural as it can be. | ||
| Some guys don't seem like... | ||
| I watch Jim Rome. | ||
| I know a lot of people love him. | ||
| I feel like he's working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't feel like the guy's enjoying what he's doing. | ||
| Like it's that, like it's him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right, yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people, they don't, in that world of sport, that's a bullshit world. | ||
| The sports world is full of shit. | ||
| There's too many guys in fucking Italian suits talking about something that doesn't need to be talking. | ||
| Too many guys with basically the same type of talking. | ||
| What we're dealing with here... | ||
| And Joe, what do you think? | ||
| Next week, Minnesota against another team. | ||
| Which one do you think will win? | ||
| And why? | ||
| And how many points and why? | ||
| And Utah, oh my god. | ||
| A fucking dress. | ||
| And it's always these ex-jocks that are wearing suits and they look surprised they're in a suit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, oh my god, I'm in a suit. | ||
| I'm in a suit again. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| I'm in a yellow suit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go to the Latino mulatto chick on the field who knows nothing about sports. | ||
| But she's hot as fuck. | ||
| Always. | ||
| They have that on Showtime when they do Strikeforce. | ||
| They have hot girls that interview the fighters. | ||
| And they put together, you know, they do a good job. | ||
| They put together some questions and they feed them to her. | ||
| And then she, you know, she knows a little bit about the sports. | ||
| She can banter a little bit if she has to. | ||
| But the most important thing is she's hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, look how you did that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Give a son to look at. | ||
| Mix it up a little. | ||
| Yeah, a sweaty guy with a hot chick. | ||
| I got lucky with the UFC in that I got in before it was ever big. | ||
| I got in real early. | ||
| That's the second big wave you've caught in your life. | ||
| I'm lucky as fuck. | ||
| I've always been lucky. | ||
| But not lucky. | ||
| I was trying to say this to you before when we were playing pool. | ||
| When young comics ask for advice, I just want to say to them, live a life. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Don't just fucking write notes and go on stage and then talk about your cubicle job. | ||
| Go travel. | ||
| Go... | ||
| Follow your path. | ||
| Like, you've always stayed with martial arts, and then all of a sudden, this thing comes up, and it wasn't lucky. | ||
| It was the fact that you had honored your passion, not just in being a stand-up, but in life. | ||
| And that's what I say to young comics. | ||
| Like, go, you know, like me. | ||
| I got married, and I had kids. | ||
| It's something I really wanted, I love, I'm into. | ||
| I talk about it on stage. | ||
| And you see people go, oh, I'm not going to be one of those guys who talk about my kids on stage. | ||
| It's like, it doesn't matter what I talk about. | ||
| I'm saying it. | ||
| Anybody can make a topic interesting if it's truthful and real. | ||
| That's a weird thing that people do when they believe that somehow or another, if you talk about children, all of a sudden, you've fallen into this sellout, really pacified, sort of wishy-washy sort of stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You abandon the possibility that anything could actually be really funny about having kids. | ||
| When in fact, there's funny shit that happens all the time. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, not just funny, but it's... | ||
| Perspective. | ||
| It's existential, you know? | ||
| I mean, you're talking about life here. | ||
| It doesn't get any deeper than looking at your son. | ||
| Like, I'm going through this thing now where my kid is like, I tell you, he's testing for his black belt in Taekwondo in the spring. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| After fucking seven years. | ||
| He's 11 years old. | ||
| He's captain of the soccer team. | ||
| Straight A student. | ||
| He is fluent in Spanish. | ||
| Goes to a Spanish immersion school. | ||
| He's the tallest kid in his class. | ||
| He's fucking beautiful looking. | ||
| And I go, I need a DNA test. | ||
| No, I don't fucking... | ||
| You don't believe it? | ||
| I'm the opposite of that. | ||
| Short, scrawny, horrible athlete, horrible fucking student. | ||
| Maybe it's the hormones and the beef. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| Kids are getting way bigger. | ||
| 100% they're bigger. | ||
| But not just that confident and calm. | ||
| So I'm going through this thing that I'm kind of... | ||
| You're a good dad. | ||
| You raised him well. | ||
| I mean, that's a good sign. | ||
| It is a good sign. | ||
| I'm proud of that. | ||
| But it's a great premise. | ||
| I know my kid's going to be stronger and smarter than me soon. | ||
| And it's fucking scary. | ||
| And I'm trying to think, how do I hide it from? | ||
| Well, you don't have to. | ||
| You just be a great dad. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| Start using a belt. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| It'll hit me back. | ||
| Getting older, there was always these old martial arts guys that were around that were treated with great reverence. | ||
| You could easily kick their ass. | ||
| They were old. | ||
| They're old and broken down, but you never thought of that because you had always developed great reverence for them. | ||
| As long as you develop respect in your kid, your kid's never going to challenge you. | ||
| You never have to deal with that shit. | ||
| I think it's a very base biological. | ||
| I think it's just like a real in the wild kind of thing. | ||
| Yeah, it is a little bit, but you know what? | ||
| You just got to calm that down by letting him know that you're on his team and letting him know that everything that you do to discipline him is only for his own development. | ||
| It seems weird, but you went through it just as much as he's going to go through it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it is hard because as the dad, and I don't know how deep you are into that part, is like, I feel like I have to be that, you know, it's a role. | ||
| I end up being the disciplinarian more than my wife does. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a balance. | ||
| There's a yin and a yang, and there's a mom and a dad, and just the way it is. | ||
| And, you know, you should be, I mean, my point of view is you should be as loving as possible, but the shit stops with me. | ||
| And, you know, that's how it's always supposed to be. | ||
| That's how it is in a fucking guerrilla colony. | ||
| When everybody's going crazy and fucking swinging off trees and the gorilla goes, everybody settle the fuck down. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| The man's here. | ||
| We got this. | ||
| Let's calm down. | ||
| Yeah, you can learn a lot about parenting from the dog guy. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Yeah, kick your kids. | ||
| Everything he says. | ||
| Oh, does he say that? | ||
| Kick the dogs? | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| You didn't know that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, I just knew that the whole pack mentality thing is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He doesn't kick him, he just taps him on the side. | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He heals them in the gut. | ||
| And if he did it to me, I'd punch him in his fucking face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit, really? | |
| Yeah, it's a kick. | ||
| It's a kick, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what, though? | ||
| The reality is that people don't want to hear. | ||
| You have to be physical with dogs. | ||
| You know, I never hit my dogs, but I used to raise pit bulls. | ||
| And the one thing you have to do is you have to dominate those motherfuckers. | ||
| I used to slam them on their back. | ||
| I used to mount them and bite them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd bite their face and yell at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because if they growl at you a little, man, you have to cease and desist that when they're a puppy. | ||
| You have to make sure that you make them know that you are dominant over them but you're loving to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You control them. | ||
| Like, listen, bitch, don't you ever fucking do that again, okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We good? | ||
| Give me a kiss. | ||
| Give me a kiss. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, I have two little pussy dogs, but one of them is a biter, and I just grab her by the scruff of the neck, and I push her face down, and then I put my face in front of it, and I growl. | ||
| And granted, look, it doesn't matter how small a dog is, that motherfucker bites. | ||
| My friend had a fucking miniature pincher, and this motherfucker bit the shit out of me once. | ||
| We were watching TV, I was just sitting there, and the thing snuck up behind me and just jacked me in the back. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, yeah, out of nowhere. | ||
| It was a creepy dog. | ||
| Never heard of that in my life. | ||
| Come up with you on the couch and just fucking bite you. | ||
| That's Fucking crazy! | ||
| I mean, I didn't know. | ||
| Oh, it was a mean little dog. | ||
| I don't know what happened to the little dog in its development. | ||
| You motherfucker! | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| Like, yelled at it and it ran away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I was like, dude, you gotta lock your dog up, man. | ||
| Your dog's a biter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, punctured skin on my back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Actually, it's funny you bring that up. | ||
| The reason my son's in taekwondo is he used to bite other kids when he was like three. | ||
| And we're like, what the fuck are we gonna do? | ||
| And someone just said, taekwondo. | ||
| It'll teach him every strength, discipline, peace. | ||
| And I'll tell you, man, in six months, he just stopped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's like this well-disciplined kid. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| No, but it's all on me, this thing with my son. | ||
| I know that it's a psychological thing, but I'd be embarrassed to think that, and I say it out loud, and I talk about it on stage because, to me, that's what stand-up is. | ||
| What's the thing I'm most embarrassed about in my life right now at a deep level? | ||
| And it's like I have a very Oedipal feeling right now, which is a real thing that dads go through with sons. | ||
| I felt it with my dad. | ||
| But your kid's only 11. He felt threatened by me. | ||
| Yeah, but he's a big kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If the shit hit the fan, it might be a struggle. | |
| Well, you can always start taking jujitsu now. | ||
| Keep him away and you start lifting. | ||
| Believe me, I see only good things for us and our future. | ||
| It's a weird emotion to feel. | ||
| My friend Rick has two kids that are 20 and 18 now, and he's like, they could both beat my ass. | ||
| How's his relationship with him? | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good dad. | ||
| Kids used to go through a period in their late teens where they fucking hated you, and I don't think they do as much. | ||
| I think parents are better now, and I think there's obviously that pull-away part where they have to find themselves among their friends more than their family, but it's not that violent, I hate you as much. | ||
| I think there was a lot of because I said so when we were growing up. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Give me a goddamn ex! | ||
| And now I think because enough generations get through that where you say, I am not going to do that stupid shit when I have kids. | ||
| I'm going to respect my kids' intelligence. | ||
| I have long conversations with my daughter about why it's wrong to do this. | ||
| And this is what's wrong because when you do that, I know you feel like it's right, but you hurt other people's feelings. | ||
| And you should always avoid hurting other people's feelings if you can, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, and then we'll have a long, long... | ||
| Nobody ever did that with me. | ||
| It was because I fucking said so. | ||
| Go to your room. | ||
| That's what we got when we were kids. | ||
| Nobody was educated on how to psychologically, properly evaluate and how to raise children because their parents grew up in the fucking depression. | ||
| My grandfather used to tell stories about breaking rabbit's necks, how you break a rabbit's neck, put a pot to make rabbit stew. | ||
| I was like, Jesus, you hate rabbits? | ||
| What the fuck was wrong with the world back then? | ||
| But my grandfather living on a farm as a young boy in Italy. | ||
| That's what you had to do. | ||
| There was no getting around that. | ||
| Also, growing up in a Catholic country like that, there's an intense shame that's put upon you at a young age. | ||
| You're taught at an early age, you're born into original sin. | ||
| Adam and Eve fucked up, so you're bad and dirty. | ||
| Starting out. | ||
| And then you get to sex. | ||
| Well, Jesus came out of an immaculate conception, because any woman that actually fucks to make a human life is a whore. | ||
| She had to be pure. | ||
| Like, all these images that you may not even process, but they get into your hard drive when you're young, of like, shame on this, shame on this. | ||
| I was raised with it, and it's like... | ||
| Catholic guilt is the East Coast's main curse. | ||
| It's one of the things most fucked up about the East Coast is the wave of Catholic guilt that has just polluted all the consciousness of all the different people there. | ||
| And think about what our grandparents went through, man. | ||
| Our parents were raised by our grandparents. | ||
| Our grandparents lived in the dark ages, essentially. | ||
| They lived in an area with no fucking television. | ||
| There was no nothing when they were children. | ||
| There was no nothing. | ||
| There's the written word and, you know, occasionally you would see a photo of somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, imagine what it was like growing up literally at the turn of the century, 1900. You know? | ||
| I mean, fuck! | ||
| You didn't travel. | ||
| You had no outside influences. | ||
| So whatever you were taught, whether it was by the church... | ||
| Or by your parents that were living in fear. | ||
| That was your whole reality. | ||
| You had nothing to balance that out. | ||
| So you bought it even more so than maybe I was affected by a Catholic upbringing. | ||
| Back then, there was no separation between what you were living and anything outside you in the world. | ||
| And my grandparents, I don't know what generation you are as far as immigration. | ||
| Mine all came over from Ireland, my grandparents. | ||
| Yeah, mine as well. | ||
| My grandfather came over from Ireland on my father's side, my grandmother on my father's side came over from Italy, and both my grandparents on my mother's side came over from Italy. | ||
| So everybody took a fucking crazy chance and jumped in a boat, went across the ocean, so they were nuts! | ||
| They were the nuttiest fuckers ever! | ||
| You didn't even know what was over there. | ||
| No one had an idea. | ||
| You had stories. | ||
| People told you stories. | ||
| You get to see a picture of what New York City looks like. | ||
| And they took a fucking chance like animals. | ||
| I always think about that. | ||
| The second you step off the boat, maybe you got a piece of paper with an address somewhere in the city. | ||
| You've never found your way in a foreign place in your life. | ||
| You grew up in one town that you never left. | ||
| Now you're surfing Manhattan trying to find 2nd Avenue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It's crazy! | ||
| And if you've never seen the gangs of New York, most people don't know what Manhattan used to be. | ||
| You just kind of assume somehow that it was always this city with the big buildings. | ||
| No! | ||
| It was craziness! | ||
| It was a nutty village! | ||
| It was feudalism! | ||
| Gangs of people. | ||
| Gangs of New York. | ||
| That was really what it was like back then. | ||
| And it's an amazing thing to watch. | ||
| It sort of puts the whole idea of settling this country into perspective because most people can't really wrap their heads around how quickly the United States has developed. | ||
| The idea that 1776 it was formed, that's nothing! | ||
| That is like nothing! | ||
| There was nothing here. | ||
| A few houses, a few fucking log houses here and there, and then all of a sudden, in a couple hundred years, whoosh! | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Manhattan, fucking Atlanta, Chicago, fucking roads all the way across this bitch, back and forth, covered in concrete. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cars flying over it. | ||
| You're freaking me out right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fact that that happens over... | |
| I swear to God, I was looking in your eyes, I was like, holy shit! | ||
| 200 years. | ||
| In 200 years, it went from that to 1776. Yep. | ||
| To 1976. 200 years. | ||
| And then you think about, and this is always my thing, people go, well, black people need to get over it. | ||
| Ah, they were slaves two fucking generations ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a short period of time to expect an entire culture of people to recover from a really fucked, you talk about Catholicism being fucked up two generations ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How about your grandmother was getting raped and your father and mother were split up, your aunts and uncles were split up. | ||
| I mean, that's a lot. | ||
| And granted, I'm not like, I think affirmative action was a failure. | ||
| I think that we're grappling with how to try to equalize society for all people. | ||
| I don't know the answer. | ||
| But I do know that we've got to look at it as our problem. | ||
| It's not their problem. | ||
| I think it has to do with poverty in general. | ||
| I think you have to address poverty from the standpoint of children being raised in poverty. | ||
| Children's. | ||
| Children's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The children's being raised in a bad community. | |
| I think children being raised in poverty and neglect is always the big issue. | ||
| Because if you don't do something about those kids now, you are just essentially, you give them no choice but to become criminals themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If they're being raised in the environment, they imitate their atmosphere. | ||
| Everything around them is bad. | ||
| Everything around them is negative and neglected. | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| There's got to be a way to get to those kids. | ||
| To get to those kids and help them. | ||
| Something where it helps their parents or some sort of a community outreach. | ||
| But the idea that people at the top say, why should I give them anything? | ||
| Fucking single mom just wants to have more kids and like... | ||
| Well, isn't there a root cause of that? | ||
| That single mom was someone's baby at one point. | ||
| Obviously, someone fucked that baby up bad that it became a grown adult that just shits out kids for welfare money. | ||
| What we got to do is get to them when they're babies. | ||
| Get to them when they're babies and help them. | ||
| Help the mother. | ||
| For the sake of the humanity as a whole. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| As a superorganism. | ||
| Selfishly. | ||
| Selfishly, yes. | ||
| Here's the thing about the conservatives is very often I find that there is a short-sightedness. | ||
| If they're the party of economic restraint and responsibility, I think that you're creating a bigger deficit and you're creating a more fragile economy when you have people that are uneducated that grew up, like you said, in an atmosphere where they were abused and they don't have the tools and their role models were shit. | ||
| If you allow that to happen, it's a drain, selfishly, on your economy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And on your safety. | ||
| Your economy and your safety. | ||
| Investing in the infrastructure of inner cities and building the bad neighborhoods and turning them into better neighborhoods and giving people chance and hope and giving them a possibility of Positively contributing to society. | ||
| So instead of being a burden, there's something that helps. | ||
| That's all anybody wants. | ||
| Yes, they want to contribute. | ||
| That's the root of happiness. | ||
| Again, going back to these studies, is the most that you can boil it down to, and there's this guy that wrote a book called Happiness. | ||
| He teaches a class at Harvard. | ||
| It's the most attended class in the history of Harvard University. | ||
| And he's a guy that's taken every type of thought, going back to fucking Confucius and Jesus and young and then modern psychiatry, And basically just studied it for a decade and come up with basically happiness is pursuing something that you care about and feeling vital. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Not welfare. | ||
| Nobody wants a fucking welfare check to be a single mom. | ||
| People want to be involved. | ||
| They want to feel that they are making an imprint on the earth. | ||
| Yeah, so some sort of a community outreach. | ||
| And then, you know, you've got to have things that help people get off drugs, just for a fact. | ||
| There's going to be people that are fucked up and they're not going to be able to make positive decisions because they're on drugs. | ||
| And if that's your environment, if that's your community, if that's your neighborhood, it's within your best interest to clean these people up. | ||
| Yeah, and it's not the war on drugs. | ||
| Cutting off the need to do drugs is what is at the core of it. | ||
| It's treatment. | ||
| Not incarceration. | ||
| Not judging people. | ||
| The more things are illegal, the more people are going to do those illegal things. | ||
| It's always been the case. | ||
| And at least if you had legality, first of all, it should always be a social pariah and you should boycott any fucking company that would profit off the sale of those drugs. | ||
| Which drugs? | ||
| Any drugs that you sell that fuck people up. | ||
| The negative stigma should be the punishment enough. | ||
| You should be disassociated by society if you choose to sell on something that's going to cause people to fuck up their lives. | ||
| And we all know that there's drugs that do that. | ||
| Anybody who's selling math is a piece of shit. | ||
| It's 2012. We've got the info. | ||
| But there's always gonna be a new hillbilly coke can. | ||
| There's always gonna be a fuckin' ammonia mix with this that gets you high. | ||
| So to me it's about how do we cut out the abuse, how do we cut out the loneliness, the uselessness that creates a need for drug use or alcohol. | ||
| Alcohol is the fucking, that's the unsung hero of failure. | ||
| It's worse than drugs, and yet it's on in the Super Bowl, and it's legal. | ||
| To me, I don't want to go down that road because that's a whole other fucking podcast. | ||
| Well, that's also when you changed as a person when we were young. | ||
| You got much more serious about your career as well when you quit drinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you were the first guy that I knew that you handled it great because you didn't waver at all. | ||
| You're like, look, I can't drink. | ||
| I drink. | ||
| I get fucked up. | ||
| I can't handle it. | ||
| Period. | ||
| I don't want to be a loser. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| And you did that when you were like, what are you, 22? | ||
| No, I was probably 24 when I did it, and I had started drinking very young, but it was stand-up. | ||
| I mean, I couldn't drive to gigs if I lost my license, and stand-up was the first thing in my life I ever felt like I might be good at. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going to lose this. | ||
| This has been my dream since I was a kid to be a stand-up. | ||
| So you're not a stranger when it comes to the pulls of addiction and the idea that it could ruin your life. | ||
| And think, what if you didn't have stand-up? | ||
| What if you were in a pit of despair with a shit job and no future aspirations, more hopes? | ||
| You know, nothing on the landscape. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You need an option. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's easy. | |
| It's got to be a compelling option because getting high feels fucking great. | ||
| Nobody can deny that. | ||
| And if you don't feel great and you can feel great, that's what you're going to do. | ||
| And the only thing that feels better is, you know, feeling like people are expecting you to produce something and you do it and you feel good about it. | ||
| Well, especially as an artist, I mean, and I hate that word, you know, him, I'm an artist, but putting out something that you create, that people enjoy, they love it. | ||
| You know, people like podcasts, like this, like your podcast. | ||
| People love the fact that they can get some enjoyment out of this. | ||
| Like when I go to, the only podcast I really subscribe to, other than a few of my friends' stuff and death squad and stuff, is The Psychedelic Salon, one of my favorite podcasts. | ||
| This guy, I think his name is Lorenzo. | ||
| Lorenzo is the guy who runs it. | ||
| He puts all these really interesting lectures like Timothy Leary lectures and Robert Anton Wilson and Terence McKenna. | ||
| Every week there's some new really cool fucking interesting lecture by some really educated, trippy people. | ||
| It's really awesome. | ||
| When I look at my iPod, when I sync my iPod on, I'm like, ooh, Looky, looky, it's a treat. | ||
| You get excited. | ||
| It's like now I know when I'm in my car, it syncs up with my car, so I'm driving around and I'm listening to it. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love that that's a treat that you can get for free. | ||
| And it's a pretty good feeling to think that people feel like that when they see your podcast come down. | ||
| And for Brian and I, it's particularly satisfying because we didn't have any aspirations at all. | ||
| We started it off, you could see the first one still available on Ustream with a laptop. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's unwatchable, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's just because we weren't really paying attention to it as people listening. | |
| We were more like, hey, they're just watching us. | ||
| We'll just hang out in the chat room or something like that. | ||
| Hey, dirty bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| What's going on? | ||
| I read someone's tweets. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, we're coming to New York. | ||
| I remember those. | ||
| I remember listening to an early one and going, there was just a 30-second pause. | ||
| I think somebody went to take a leak. | ||
| You guys didn't care. | ||
| I took a shit in the middle of the podcast. | ||
| I said, I got to take a shit. | ||
| So, Brian, you talk to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So Brian's like, so everybody, do you like cats? | |
| I just remember hearing like shit moving around and no one talking and being like, oh, this is kind of cool. | ||
| This is like just a hangout. | ||
| Well, the real evolution of the podcast is available for everybody to see. | ||
| I always knew that I always wanted to do a radio show, but I always knew that I would never be able to do a radio show. | ||
| No one would ever hire me to do a radio show. | ||
| And I thought maybe when Satellite Radio came along, I became pals. | ||
| Right when Satellite Radio launched, I became pals with Opie and Anthony. | ||
| And they're always like, hey, we have a channel. | ||
| We'd always love to put you on the channel. | ||
| But nothing ever really happened out of it. | ||
| And there was some talks and nothing ever really took place. | ||
| But then once I started doing a podcast, I was like, oh, this is it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, this is way easier. | ||
| And now, like, I've got all these people coming on, like, all these interesting people and all these, like, bands. | ||
| Like, we had Be Real from Cypress Hill yesterday. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| We've had Everlast from the House of Pain. | ||
| He's done it before. | ||
| His band Honey Honey is on next week. | ||
| And then Sam Harris, the neuroscientist, who's the atheist author and lecturer. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| He's coming on. | ||
| He's fucking brilliant, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's awesome. | |
| I'm so excited about him coming on. | ||
| But it's like we've been able to turn it from, you know, what it was supposed to be, you know, was just us fucking around, to what I really should have probably been doing in the first place. | ||
| Snowflakes to cupcakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's kind of like what we were talking about before with The Office or The Man Show. | ||
| The fact that you're stepping into a preconceived creative paradigm and trying to fill it up is a failure. | ||
| To start with a podcast that aspires to nothing and then organically it builds itself, then it knows what it is. | ||
| It's got a foundation based in Who you really are, as opposed to, like, you know, even as a comedian, you're starting out, you go through so many different masks. | ||
| You think, I'm gonna be, like, I was gonna be the clever guy, or, you know, I'm gonna be a political comic, or I'm gonna use props. | ||
| Yeah, go do it. | ||
| Go do it until it doesn't work, and keep shedding, and then eventually, you're gonna be the comic you're meant to be. | ||
| And I think with the podcast, it's the same thing. | ||
| You kind of just, you explore, and you start to feel what feels right, and hopefully not respond so much to, like, Well, people love this. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I try to avoid that. | ||
| Yeah, I think, you know, people love what you love. | ||
| And if what you pursue, if you pursue what you love, then people connect to that and they can appreciate that. | ||
| I can appreciate that, you know, even if something that I'm not really into. | ||
| What I love is someone else being into something. | ||
| I love seeing people's passion and honesty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And what you get from a podcast you don't get from anything else is there's no restrictions on time. | ||
| We don't have to cut to a commercial. | ||
| The thoughts never have to be interrupted. | ||
| I mean, we didn't decide how long we go on. | ||
| We've been on for like, what, two hours and 40 minutes or something like that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| We do that all the time. | ||
| Yeah, we do that all the time. | ||
| And they just go on. | ||
| Let's take a 15-second pause. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You don't get an opportunity to have those kind of conversations, especially with someone that's in the public eye or someone that's a comic. | ||
| No one gets a chance to really get to know you like they do in this form, or like they do on your podcast, where you're constantly communicating with them. | ||
| When they've heard you communicate for 100 hours, they fucking know you. | ||
| You can only hide so much. | ||
| And you know what's amazing is every podcast, no matter how long, I end up hanging out with the guests for another 45 minutes afterwards. | ||
| And you're like, they don't want to leave. | ||
| People don't want to leave. | ||
| But you could have just kept going. | ||
| Yeah, and well, I do to a point, I always feel like, a lot of times because I do the serious show first, they've already given me an hour, and then I usually shoot a video with them. | ||
| I do this thing called Talk Your Way Out of It where I give people, and I'll do it to you right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'm going to give you an uncomfortable situation. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And in a split second, you're gonna have to talk your way out of it as if you're talking to the person. | ||
| You go to the doctor's office, and he's going to check you out. | ||
| So he bends you over the table. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I forgot the rubber gloves. | ||
| He walks out. | ||
| You notice that the medicine cabinet's open. | ||
| You reach in. | ||
| You find a bottle of Vicodin. | ||
| You see it. | ||
| As he's coming in, he's going to bust you. | ||
| You take it. | ||
| You stick it up your ass to hide it. | ||
| The doctor spreads your cheeks. | ||
| He wants to look at your... | ||
| He wants to look at your colon. | ||
| He puts his finger in. | ||
| He pulls out the bottle of Vicodin. | ||
| Talk your way out of it. | ||
| Oh, that's where that was. | ||
| That's the only thing you can say. | ||
| Five words. | ||
| Five words. | ||
| You're in the clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's where it is. | |
| Like you're thanking him. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was thinking maybe, but no. | |
| Usually it takes like two minutes. | ||
| People talk around it. | ||
| They describe different five words. | ||
| Just go right for it. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You're already busted. | ||
| Guy found a Vicodin bottle up your ass. | ||
| You're a freak. | ||
| I did that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just give it up. | |
| I did that to that particular one I thought of because my last show was with Natasha and I did that to her but it was in her pussy and she had her feet in the stirrups and she goes oh I was just tightening that for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. - Yes. | |
| Yeah, so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, this is great. | |
| This is great. | ||
| I just forgot we were talking about it. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Natasha's pussy? | |
| You're talking about Natasha's pussy threw you off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| That's monogamy fucking with you, son. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That image. | ||
| The image of her in her underwear. | ||
| What's your image right now when you jerk off? | ||
| What's your scenario that works? | ||
| It's variable. | ||
| Changes. | ||
| Yeah, it's variable. | ||
| I go through streaks, one particular thing or another. | ||
| I tried to stay away from porn when I first had kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just because of the idea of the daughter that would eventually become someone's baby. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I can't fix it. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| She's sucking dick and I need it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Who do you watch? | ||
| What's your scene? | ||
| I don't have a... | ||
| You don't go to like categories and pick like... | ||
| Just what's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What looks hot. | ||
| Whatever's nuts. | ||
| Yeah, I used to have types, but I don't even have types anymore. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Just click around. | ||
| I feel bad for Asian women now. | ||
| I can't watch Asian porn anymore. | ||
| You gave up? | ||
| I watched too much of it, and then I started to feel like when I saw Asian women in the real world, I started to feel weird. | ||
| Like I wanted to apologize. | ||
| For beating off in front of them? | ||
| For beating off so much? | ||
| Were you on a steady diet of Asians for a while? | ||
| A lot of Asians. | ||
| Because I didn't get any when I was young and I got married before. | ||
| You know, I used to date a lot of black women and I dated a couple Latino women and I never dated an Asian woman and I find them just absolutely, they're so beautiful and their feet, they have such cute little feet. | ||
| You would have loved Japan. | ||
| In Japan, they're so friendly. | ||
| Everyone's so friendly. | ||
| Yeah, Brian and I were just talking about it the other day when we got back. | ||
| We were just there together for the UFC. Now, are you married, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| So you get to experience... | ||
| Well, he's got a girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I have a girlfriend, but yeah. | |
| Ha! | ||
| Good tell. | ||
| The beauty of the culture is the politeness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the women are so polite as well. | ||
| Men are so polite. | ||
| Everyone's so polite in restaurants, in bars, everywhere you go. | ||
| Everyone, like, when people run into people on the street, like, everyone's just like, they're so polite. | ||
| It's a completely different culture than ours. | ||
| Really fascinating. | ||
| Like, it almost literally truly is like an alien world. | ||
| Like, you land in a world where everybody's just polite. | ||
| The language is totally different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The people all like, you know, they look Japanese. | ||
| The universally look Japanese. | ||
| The Japanese do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Interesting. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| So you're in this new place where everyone behaves super polite, very orderly. | ||
| Like when they had the tsunamis and they were giving out aid, people just waited in line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Patiently, politely, disciplined. | ||
| You know, I mean, the driver was really interesting. | ||
| We had a really cool driver and he spoke very good English too. | ||
| And one of the things he said was about... | ||
| The deal with radiation, you know, at Fukushima, that a lot of people are sick, and the government lies about it. | ||
| And he was like, well, the problem is that we trust the government. | ||
| They're not in the rising up and questioning the government. | ||
| People are into that they trust the government, the government has their best interest, and then they keep their eyes on their own business, and they do what they have to do. | ||
| So there's not a lot of, like, this motherfucking government. | ||
| We're time to take this motherfucker down! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time to take this motherfucker down! | |
| There's none of that there. | ||
| None of that there. | ||
| It's politeness and not subserviency, but knowing your place, discipline, respect. | ||
| Respect of the community and the family. | ||
| You don't try to do better than your boss. | ||
| You don't try to do better than your boss. | ||
| Callan was telling me that there's etiquette as far as businessmen. | ||
| Say if your boss orders a certain type of scotch, like a very expensive old scotch, you don't order that. | ||
| You order newer, cheaper scotch. | ||
| You don't order what he orders. | ||
| And a bow is based on that also? | ||
| Do you bow lower to somebody who's superior? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The lower you are, the lower you are under that person. | ||
| So, like, that's why you can get in a bow fight with somebody if they think that they are lower than you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's where it's, like, back and forth. | |
| Wow, like rams. | ||
| Then all of a sudden you're sucking your own dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you! | |
| I respect you! | ||
| You know what's up, guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know you're losing the bowing contents when you're sucking your own pee-pee. | |
| What's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know you're underneath somebody when you're looking at the guy behind you. | |
| You remember when one of the funniest things about doing the road was working with black comics? | ||
| Because if black comics were supposed to be the middle act, they always had heard from the booker that they were supposed to be the headliner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if there was two other black acts, I gotta go up first. | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| I gotta go to the gig. | ||
| Because they all wanted to do some of the same references. | ||
| With road hacks, black road hacks had so many stock jokes. | ||
| There was so much like, I ain't seen this many white people since my trial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What am I, the only chocolate chip in the cookie tonight? | |
| How many times have you heard that? | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Or the fat guy who takes the mic stand, moves it. | ||
| Let me get that out of the way so you can see me applause laughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| That was the thing about Boston, was that Boston did not tolerate hacks. | ||
| We were so lucky that we came up in a time where that shit was ridiculed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because when we would go on the road and we would work with road hacks. | ||
| All rules are off. | ||
| You guys, fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at what you're calling a fucking act. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And then when you go to New York, when you're a Boston comic and you go down to New York, all of a sudden they're like, fuck man, you're good. | ||
| It's like, yeah, because we had to be different, you know, and you had to not be hacky. | ||
| But the further you travel from Boston, the more, like you said, use your bit. | ||
| Maybe do the guy comes in late. | ||
| What do you say when the guy comes in late, Joe? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Can I get you anything? | ||
| Like a fucking clock? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every time, and it's applause break. | ||
| You had those savers, and you wouldn't dare do that shit in Boston. | ||
| But if you were up in Maine, race to who can do that first. | ||
| Hey, I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth. | ||
| That was just a gem in your pocket. | ||
| There was a lot of tools that we had, especially as young scrubs. | ||
| It's almost like what you had was a scaffolding that allowed you to put together your little comedy house. | ||
| Because you really didn't have the structure to do it on its own. | ||
| It wouldn't hold up. | ||
| So I'm saying, the guys in the back room going, I fucked your mother! | ||
| And I'm like, Dad, no one cares. | ||
| And the other comics in the back, crossing it off. | ||
| I can't do that one now. | ||
| Do you remember those Norm LeFoe gigs that we used to do? | ||
| Oh, the greatest, yeah. | ||
| Jay's and Pittsfield, and oh my god. | ||
| It was like, I had never been to Western Massachusetts, and you would just get on the Mass Pike, and you'd get off some exit, just a number with woods around it, and then you'd drive for another 45 minutes, then you'd get to a Norm LeFoe gig. | ||
| Western Massachusetts is a trip. | ||
| That's why UMass Boston, or UMass Amherst rather, is so beautiful. | ||
| That Amherst town is amazing. | ||
| It's this really cool fucking town in the middle of nowhere in Western Massachusetts. | ||
| There's so many towns like that where it's like what has brought the town together is essentially just the college. | ||
| Yeah, you go to Madison Wisconsin. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Lincoln, Nebraska. | ||
| Boulder, Colorado. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there's a lot of places like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I always think like, you know... | ||
| I really would like to teach at some point. | ||
| I was thinking about going to a cool college town. | ||
| I would like to teach comedy. | ||
| I'd like to teach all aspects of it. | ||
| Yeah, comic history, comic method. | ||
| Auditioning. | ||
| You're essentially a PhD in stand-up. | ||
| You're a master. | ||
| I've written it on sitcoms. | ||
| I've written it on late night. | ||
| I've written sketches. | ||
| I've done stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grammy winner. | |
| No, Emmys. | ||
| Four Emmys. | ||
| Daytime Emmys? | ||
| So talk shows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. | ||
| Two for producing and two for writing. | ||
| And then I won a... | ||
| What the fuck was it called? | ||
| Cable Ace Award. | ||
| Are you an Ellen Besties? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| She just called me. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I gotta call that bitch back. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, we're nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you ever kiss her on the lips? | |
| I did. | ||
| Did you ever wonder what it would be like to make love to her? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Did you think about that? | ||
| Like, that's gotta be weird. | ||
| Well, I think if you put me in an office with a number of women by the end of the week, I will have imagined each of them. | ||
| Did you ever see her Mac? | ||
| You ever see her put her girl Mac down? | ||
| The last time I talked about this, I got a call from a lawyer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I can't talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, did you sign a nondisclosure when you worked there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you shouldn't be talking to me right now. | ||
| She's an awesome person, right? | ||
| I love her. | ||
| Love her to death. | ||
| Love the show. | ||
| Love everything about her. | ||
| You know what's wild? | ||
| I saw her on one of those HBO Young Comedian specials. | ||
| They play them on HBO now. | ||
| Have you seen them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking great, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like I saw her in these balloony fucking Joey Buttafuoco pants and a big blousey shirt and a mullet. | ||
| And then you see Jerry Seinfeld come on, and he looks like he's fucking 11 years old. | ||
| I love watching this. | ||
| You know who had a good one, man? | ||
| I always wonder, whatever happened to the guy? | ||
| Rick Dukaman. | ||
| Oh, God, yeah. | ||
| Rick Dukaman was fucking funny, man. | ||
| He had some good shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was always angry at everything, but it was a different kind of anger. | ||
| He was like, he would leave the microphone in the stand. | ||
| I remember that, because all my guys, my favorite comics, like Pryor, Kinison, and George Carlin, they always carried the microphone. | ||
| But he would leave it in the stand. | ||
| I was like, wow, he's angry with it in the stand. | ||
| This is a new approach. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was a funny guy, man. | ||
| I always wondered, like, there's always a few guys that, like, they were really funny at one point in time, and then you're like, where is that guy? | ||
| Where did he go? | ||
| You know, what happened? | ||
| Well, you know what's cool is, like, Dana Gould to me was like that when he was young. | ||
| I was like, fuck, there's nobody funnier than this guy. | ||
| And then he went off to write for The Simpsons, and I was, you know, casual friends with him. | ||
| I'm much better friends with him now. | ||
| Didn't see him for years, and then all of a sudden he came back, like, with a vengeance. | ||
| And now he's, like, phenomenal again, but in a totally different way. | ||
| I watched him one of his first sets back. | ||
| He still had it, but it was weird watching the guy put together a new act. | ||
| A new act. | ||
| He clearly knew how to do stand-up, but it was like you could see him doing it, going like, wow. | ||
| It was really kind of interesting. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, it's like that with Chris Rock every time, man. | ||
| Here's the thing about Chris Rock. | ||
| You got Dave Chappelle, who I think came out of the womb, grabbed the mic, and was funny. | ||
| And then you got Chris Rock, who's a guy, I don't know if you've seen him when he starts out. | ||
| It's fucking painful. | ||
| Oh, I've seen him go on stage with just ideas and not knowing where they're going and trudge it out on stage and not have it work at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, he's a guy who I think is obviously extremely funny. | ||
| But at the same time, I think he's cerebral funny, where he thinks about it, he writes it, he rewrites it, he works hard, and then he comes up with an hour. | ||
| Like, his Bigger and Blacker, is that what it was called? | ||
| I mean, I'd put it against any hour of stand-up ever. | ||
| But the way people get there is, you know, it's fucking different for everybody. | ||
| You know, I think seeing somebody start to finish, that to me is a great TV show. | ||
| I'd like to see something on Comedy Central where you watch, you know, put the cameras on four or five comics for three months and watch them develop, you know, interesting comics, different styles, and watch them write Hone, rewrite, bomb. | ||
| That's a great idea for a show, dude. | ||
| You should pitch that. | ||
| The thing is, though, that very few guys actually put together an act like Louis does every year. | ||
| To have people do it like that. | ||
| But if you force comics to do it for a show, then at the end of it, you do a special. | ||
| At the end of it, they all do a half an hour. | ||
| It's an hour and a half special. | ||
| You follow three comics over the course of a year. | ||
| Or six months. | ||
| Say six months for 30 minutes of material. | ||
| That's plenty of time. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You could probably do it in three months if you really had to bust your ass. | ||
| I think you've got to do three because that would be tough to get it for six. | ||
| Cycle. | ||
| Filming cycle. | ||
| Yeah, I think. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, unless you could come. | ||
| I mean, you could pace it out where you come to them like once every couple weeks or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To fill multiple people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and I wonder if there's a way to. | ||
| Three, you follow three, but you really follow six and you use the best three. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, and I think there's also maybe you front load it with like they each have to get topics. | ||
| If you want to make a reality show that paid off with this new 15 minutes, but just to keep it honest, they have to start... | ||
| I don't know if they all start with the same topics, or they draw from a hat for topics. | ||
| There's something to give it some structure. | ||
| Yeah, some real Last Comic Standing shit. | ||
| Because you know what I didn't like about Last Comic Standing? | ||
| When they forced those guys to start auditioning in front of two judges and do their act. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| That's not even stand-up. | ||
| If you really want to watch him do stand-up, go watch him do fucking stand-up. | ||
| You're making a guy tell jokes to you. | ||
| Give him some dignity. | ||
| Yeah, and you're trying to do this whole... | ||
| What's his name from the English guy? | ||
| Alfredo. | ||
| The English guy from Star Search. | ||
| Simon Cowell. | ||
| They're doing the Simon Cowell bullshit. | ||
| They're trying to be like, please, enough. | ||
| That joke is never going to work. | ||
| You know, they're doing this harsh judgment thing because that's what a lot of people like. | ||
| I don't think that's the way to film. | ||
| I think the way to film a stand-up show is not in front of a live audience like that. | ||
| It's in front of a bunch of live audiences. | ||
| You follow a guy around. | ||
| Yeah, have a reality show where you're following stand-ups while they're putting together a special, and then at the end of the whole thing, they actually do their special. | ||
| Monster live event taping at a good-sized theater. | ||
| The only problem though is then the people are going to know the material. | ||
| So really the best way to do it would be recorded in advance. | ||
| Yeah, you bank the whole thing and then you roll it out later. | ||
| Yeah, you couldn't do it live. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you could do it that way where you watch a live audience respond to that material and you see how that guy's developed it and you'd really appreciate it as a person who enjoys the craft of comedy. | ||
| Let's write it up. | ||
| Let's write it up. | ||
| I'm going to pitch it. | ||
| What do we call it? | ||
| Stand-up comedy. | ||
| Comic-can. | ||
| Comic-can. | ||
| Ew, how dare you. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I think we call it... | ||
| From scratch. | ||
| Comedy from scratch? | ||
| Comedy from scratch. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Because that's essentially what it is. | ||
| And then you pick people with really different styles. | ||
| Comedy from scratch. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| You nailed it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the name. | ||
| I like maybe you get the same five topics. | ||
| You're going to do 15 minutes on five topics. | ||
| Then you get a guy who's a storyteller. | ||
| You get a guy who's a set-up punchline guy. | ||
| Yeah, but we're limiting ourselves if we give them topics. | ||
| If you just let the guy explore, then you get to see where he's coming up with his material. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't know if he didn't already write it. | ||
| I want to make sure they're not pulling some old shit out. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plus, they'd be all cum jokes. | |
| That's true. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Will you disqualify them from the show if they do? | ||
| Say, listen, man, you can't lie about this. | ||
| If we find out you're lying about this, you're fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We want all new material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I still feel like it needs a starting point. | ||
| It needs like a crisp like, okay, starting from here. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Maybe there's three comics, right? | ||
| We want them to have five new topics. | ||
| Each one has five new topics? | ||
| You assign them five topics and they come up with material. | ||
| How about they have like a fucking big wheel and they have to reach in and pull the topics out? | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| Yeah, like we spin the wheel and you reach in. | ||
| What's your first topic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Marriage. | ||
| Goes up on the board. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's also the pitfalls of hackery. | ||
| Like how do you avoid, you know, like this subject's been dumped. | ||
| You have to do a joke about women's tampons. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Do a joke about buying women's tampons. | ||
| Is that what you're going to do? | ||
| Price check. | ||
| Price check. | ||
| Tampons aisle five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| I mean, is that... | ||
| How can you avoid the hack premise? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, let's play it right now. | ||
| I'll give you a topic. | ||
| You do a joke. | ||
| You give me a topic. | ||
| We'll play three rounds. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| All right, I'm going to start. | ||
| And they should be hacky premises just to prove that you don't have to do it. | ||
| Kittens. | ||
| I fucked them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Come. | ||
| I came. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Big fat fucking ass! | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's a good show. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| Midlife crisis cars. | ||
| If you buy a Prius, you might as well just put a white flag in your balls hanging from the antenna because it's over. | ||
| Greg actually bought a Prius. | ||
| We were having a conversation before. | ||
| He goes, I go, please tell me this is your Prius. | ||
| He goes, yes it is. | ||
| We're walking down the street. | ||
| He has no idea which car is mine. | ||
| It's the Venice one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was living in Venice. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I knew you had a Prius. | ||
| And the worst thing is I still fucking... | ||
| I still have driving rage and I cut people off and I speed. | ||
| And the worst thing is there's a button on your dashboard on the new Prius where it takes all the electrical shit out and it's just a fast, light little Toyota. | ||
| And you go really fast and you get no gas mileage. | ||
| And that's how I drive all the time. | ||
| Well, they did a thing on Top Gear. | ||
| Where they had a Prius and an M3, and they sent them around a racetrack. | ||
| And the M3 actually ate less gas than the Prius did when it was driving around a racetrack. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's meant for around town. | ||
| That's where you save the gas. | ||
| But not when I'm driving. | ||
| Stop and go. | ||
| I fucking floor it. | ||
| But what he wanted, what Greg really wanted, was one of those spiffy new Dodge Challengers. | ||
| Yeah, the big one. | ||
| With the Hemis. | ||
| Those cars are awesome, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're beautiful. | |
| They sound good. | ||
| They fucking look great. | ||
| The shape is satisfying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I found one, and I was looking at it. | ||
| It was a year old. | ||
| I got it down at CarMax, and I was going to get it for like fucking 24,000 loaded V8. And then my wife and kids were going, Daddy, the environment, you got to get a Prius. | ||
| What kind of pussies are you raising? | ||
| I know, and I just, I caved. | ||
| Meanwhile, Prius is filled with conflict minerals, okay? | ||
| And Priuses have lithium-ion batteries. | ||
| They're getting those fucking little kids picking up minerals for the Congo. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| There's nothing good about the way they construct those fucking things. | ||
| The only idea is that you're using less gas while you actually use it. | ||
| Yeah, and what do you do with the batteries when it's done? | ||
| It's fucking toxic. | ||
| I made a mistake. | ||
| I made a pretty big mistake. | ||
| Motherfuckers, KP from a Challenger. | ||
| That's a man's car. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's a car you can appreciate when you hit that gas, you hear the rumble of the V8. You feel it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a car. | ||
| It's a man's car. | ||
| It's a man's car, and you know, when I pull up to a red light, I'm next to a woman, I'm married and whatever, but I need to be able to look her in the eye. | ||
| And with the Prius, your eyes go straight ahead. | ||
| You just keep straight ahead. | ||
| Yeah, you're just useless. | ||
| This girl fucking popped a zit on the side of her face in my direction in front of me while I was at a red light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| You're off the menu. | ||
| She's looking at you. | ||
| Prius driving, little bitch. | ||
| Bald little fucking Prius. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| I'll pop a zit in front of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Until the blood comes out. | ||
| I'll keep squeezing it until the blood squirts. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain things you don't want to ever see a girl do if you're going to fuck her. | ||
| Papa Zit is one of them. | ||
| Take a shit's another. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| Oh, no shitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Toilet paper on the butthole. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you can watch some shit. | ||
| I mean, at this point in time, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, you know, when you're a young man, I have a friend who was in love with this chick, and he came over to her house, and he lifted up the toilet bowl to take a leak, and there was a floater, and he couldn't fuck her. | ||
| He was like, it was done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was like 20. When you're 40, you just flush it for her. | ||
| Then you hope she wiped. | ||
| When I'm 20, she could take a shit on my balls. | ||
| I mean, nothing would stop me. | ||
| Shit on your balls. | ||
| Actually, that would be... | ||
| Now I'm going to find that site. | ||
| Have you ever dated a girl that was into weird shit, like she wanted you to piss on her or anything crazy? | ||
| There was a girl that used to like me to choke her and slap her. | ||
| Oh, I've had a lot of that. | ||
| In my car, because she was a waitress at a club in Boston. | ||
| I never would do the slapping thing, but I've choked the fuck out of some chicks. | ||
| From behind or front? | ||
| Oh, all kinds of ways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I had one girl that wanted to wrestle before we fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| We'd always wrestle. | ||
| She'd push me. | ||
| She would push me. | ||
| I'd come over to her house and she'd be like, what? | ||
| And I'd go, what? | ||
| And she's like, I'm going to fucking wrestle? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And she'd push me. | ||
| She goes, you know I'm fucking talking. | ||
| I'm like, okay, what is going on here? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| And she'd go, what, are you scared? | ||
| Are you scared of getting beaten by a girl? | ||
| And then we'd be in this, like, little wrist fight thing where she'd be, like, grabbing my wrist and shit. | ||
| Then I'd have to just manhandle her. | ||
| And that's what she wanted. | ||
| She wanted to just get dominated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I can see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Got crazy. | ||
| Yeah, she would almost... | ||
| What it essentially was was she wanted to get raped by somebody that she wanted to fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what she wanted to do. | ||
| That was her thing. | ||
| But I go, this is very confusing. | ||
| We would talk about it. | ||
| She would tell me, I want you to fucking rape me. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, and I go, listen... | ||
| I don't want to rape you, okay? | ||
| If you want me to fuck you as if I raped you, that we can do, okay? | ||
| But I want to know when you're fighting me off that you want me to do this. | ||
| Like, this is confusing as fuck. | ||
| And I don't want to develop any taste for this. | ||
| Yeah, I know! | ||
| That's just it because you've been socialized to not rape. | ||
| She's unsocializing you. | ||
| And that may not be limited to her pool. | ||
| And by the way, it took a while to get this out of her. | ||
| When we first started dating, she was like super normal. | ||
| It took some time before we got to what she really liked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was really weird. | ||
| As she got a little bit more comfortable with me, she would want to arm wrestle me or something. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| It was over the course of a couple of months. | ||
| That's pretty quick. | ||
| The next thing, I was just fucking throwing her around, dude. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| I would hoist her up in the air and toss her through the air and shit. | ||
| The best is you meet a guy later and you're like, Oh, you say Jennifer? | ||
| I was dating Jennifer. | ||
| And you just look at him like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you just shake your head and walk away. | ||
| It wasn't Jennifer. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Oh, I didn't mean to say Jennifer! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| She was a nice girl. | ||
| No, she was a very nice person. | ||
| But I had a girl, when I was at the Neighborhood Playhouse, we had a scene from, Farrah Fawcett did this movie, I forget what it was called, but she gets raped. | ||
| Oh, the burning bed. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So we're doing the rape scene from that, and I'm like, we get assigned that, and I'm like, fuck! | ||
| And this girl is like, not a great face, but giant rag, good body. | ||
| And so we have to rehearse it. | ||
| And so we go to, you get to go to the workspace, and there's a combination lock, and we go in, and it's just us, and we're practicing the rape scene, where I literally knock her down, get on top of her, rip her blouse off, and kind of dry-humping her while she screams. | ||
| So we start to rehearse it. | ||
| The reason why we have to go to the studio alone is we tried to do it in class and he was like, this is completely not believable. | ||
| You guys are so aware and you're so inhibited. | ||
| You need to let this scene out together. | ||
| Come do it. | ||
| So we go to the studio. | ||
| And I get on top of her. | ||
| And I rip her shirt. | ||
| She said, you know what? | ||
| I brought an extra shirt. | ||
| You can just rip it. | ||
| And I rip it. | ||
| Giant rack. | ||
| And I start. | ||
| And I'm dry humping her. | ||
| We're supposed to be doing the lines. | ||
| And we just start dry humping, dry humping. | ||
| And I was so embarrassed that I kept stopping. | ||
| I'm raging hard on. | ||
| And I'm rubbing it against her. | ||
| And we would redo the scene. | ||
| And she was totally into it. | ||
| And I was totally into it. | ||
| She was totally into it sexually? | ||
| Oh, it was such a turn on. | ||
| It was... | ||
| We were both totally into it, and she was dating a guy in the class, so I wasn't gonna go over that line, but I had to get in the head as an actor of being a rapist, and I just couldn't do it. | ||
| I couldn't give over to really feeling what it would feel like, because to really tap into what it would feel like to rape somebody and want to, I guess it would require me shedding so many constraints Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how you could really portray a rapist. | ||
| I felt like apologizing the whole time that I was doing it. | ||
| Yeah, that's so weird to put your mind into that place and then to trust it to not actually rape the girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| That's what it was. | ||
| I didn't know when the breaks were going to go on if I let that out. | ||
| I was afraid that if I let it out I couldn't stop it. | ||
| Because it's in every man. | ||
| Every man has some chimpanzee inside of him. | ||
| Chimps are just raping each other left and right. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| They love to rape. | ||
| That's how you get some pussy. | ||
| You've got to take it. | ||
| Well, and in America, I think we've gotten away from that. | ||
| One of the things you were talking about when we were playing pool that I totally agree with is that people aren't afraid of getting punched in the face anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| And that's a problem. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| You know, we've lost biologically. | ||
| And your act, I know, you play a lot with the idea of the animal kingdom and how, as humans, we have to stop denying the connection, basically. | ||
| Yeah, that we're a species. | ||
| And we developed as a species by getting punched in the face and being killed for doing this action. | ||
| And so the other people survived and they didn't do that action. | ||
| And that's what shaped us. | ||
| And it's also like when I see a guy on it, like there was a guy in his convertible the other day and he was talking on his Bluetooth phone. | ||
| And I forget what he was saying, but just being a loud, self-involved douche who didn't look around and everyone could hear him. | ||
| And I just thought, I want to punch this guy in the face, you know? | ||
| And I should because I'm doing society a disservice by not punching him in the face. | ||
| And if we... | ||
| What is it about someone that's talking loud with a convertible in a Bluetooth that's so offensive? | ||
| To me, we live in a society that is supposed to be aware of its other members and all working towards a certain set of beliefs like respecting each other's space and not being a flashy car. | ||
| Don't be so needy. | ||
| And it wasn't like he wanted attention. | ||
| What I get insulted by is, you're not giving me the credit of being a pedestrian who doesn't want to hear you. | ||
| You're not even looking at me. | ||
| You're making me feel like I don't exist, and you're making me feel like whatever you're talking about is more important than me. | ||
| I know that sounds weird, but it's a subconscious thing where you feel like you're not validating even the fact that I'm a pedestrian right now. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And it's not necessary, right? | ||
| You know, if you do have your fucking car, and you answer a phone call, and you're like, dude, I've got my top down right now, so let me put the top on, I'll call you right back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I would never talk to somebody in a restaurant or a coffee shop. | ||
| You know, there's just things I wouldn't fucking do. | ||
| You don't talk to someone on the phone, you mean? | ||
| I go outside. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Do you really always? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Do you text when you're at dinner or at a restaurant? | ||
| Yeah, but only when somebody goes to the bathroom or whatever. | ||
| I don't check texts that often because I feel like life has a rhythm that we've lost, and if I'm constantly available, then my rhythm is thrown off because something can happen in that text that changes my thought to, oh, I've got to call that guy back or I've got to do that. | ||
| I suddenly become a servant of my messages coming in, but I try to space it out every two or three hours. | ||
| I don't think there's anything that important that I can't ignore. | ||
| I'm very addicted to technological communication, whether it's Twitter or texting. | ||
| It's very hard for me. | ||
| If my phone's in my pocket and I hear, it vibrates, I know I got a text. | ||
| I almost have to read it. | ||
| You're like a multitasker, though. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Especially when you're having a conversation with someone at a restaurant. | ||
| You really shouldn't be texting people at a restaurant. | ||
| I avoid it if and whenever possible. | ||
| I'm ashamed. | ||
| I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then check my emails. | ||
| I would never do it at the table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| It's an interesting thing because we do have this weird disconnect when we're right in front of each other. | ||
| The ultimate is to be right in front of a person and communicate with them. | ||
| Meanwhile, you're sitting there exchanging text words with someone who's nowhere near you while there's a person right in front of you. | ||
| And they feel less important now. | ||
| Unless it's something like fucking super important and really what is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really what is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What is while you're having a conversation. | ||
| You get three calls a year that really are like, you know, you got to call back for this thing that's filming tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or your wife is taking the kid to the hospital. | ||
| And I love the fact about the iPhone. | ||
| If I look at my phone, I get the message right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even have to read. | ||
| So I know. | ||
| Help, call me right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, okay, there's something going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what's up, bitch? | ||
| Oh, I know that one's not important. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look, we used to come home and there was no answering machine even. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People lived. | ||
| We got by and I think that like... | ||
| How hard was it to find people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| It was hard. | ||
| You had to stick to a plan. | ||
| We've got to end this because if it goes over three hours, iTunes shits on itself and doesn't know how to handle a file. | ||
| We didn't seriously go that long. | ||
| Yeah, we did, dude. | ||
| We've got to do this more often. | ||
| That was flat fluke. | ||
| How do people get your podcast? | ||
| I know it's available on Sirius, on Howard 101. Well, that's the radio show. | ||
| Oh, the radio show. | ||
| Yeah, the podcast. | ||
| The radio show is different than the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, but the podcast is FitzDog Radio. | ||
| There's an app called FitzDog, and then iTunes, and my site is FitzDog.com. | ||
| And my book, I've got an audio book, the one I told you I wrote. | ||
| There's an audio book version available on Audible.com and iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, beautiful. | |
| Did you write it? | ||
| Did you read it? | ||
| I read it and then I had a bunch of other people read it. | ||
| It's all letters that my mother saved my whole life when I was in trouble. | ||
| So I've got Zach Galifianakis and Adam Carole. | ||
| I've got all these famous people reading the letters as if they're the teachers. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, right? | |
| Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Good idea. | ||
| Alright, man. | ||
| So people know how to get you on Twitter. | ||
| It's Greg Fitz Show on Twitter. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| At Greg Fitz Show. | ||
| Thanks for coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, man. | |
| My pleasure. | ||
| It's a lot of fun. | ||
| We've got to do this more often. | ||
| All right, Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| We want to thank The Fleshlight for being the first sponsor of this proud podcast. | ||
| We don't even know what the fuck we are. | ||
| We're just existing. | ||
| Look, we love you. | ||
| We just have to do this. | ||
| Thanks to The Fleshlight and go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan and you get 15% off. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com, creators of AlphaBrain. | ||
| If you're interested in any of this stuff, just go to Onnit, O-N-N-I-T. There's ample information. | ||
| Any criticisms we've had about that information in the past, it's all been reworked and it's done in the proper manner. | ||
| As far as scientific studies, they're in the middle of doing double-blind placebo studies at an accredited university right now. | ||
| This is a real supplement. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I take it every day. | ||
| A nootropic. | ||
| If you don't know what nootropics are, I suggest you Google it. | ||
| Nootropics. | ||
| N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C-S. And what it is, essentially, it's nutrients for cognitive function. | ||
| It increases your brain's productions of neurotransmitters, and it helps you function better. | ||
| It helps your brain work smoother. | ||
| It's not going to make you smart if you're stupid, but it's interesting stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| Check out all the different stuff that we have available and enter in the code name ROGAN and you will get 10% off anything you buy from now until eternity. | ||
| Thank you everybody for tuning in. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of you as always. | ||
| Please come to see us at the Brea Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| It'll be me, Duncan Trussell, Ari Shafir, and Brian Redband's gonna drop in and fucking show his shit too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Right, fella? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's Saturday, I think. | |
| Saturday, he's going to get his free con. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| So, good times are coming. | ||
| It looks like Atlanta, 4-20, April 20th, at the Tabernacle. | ||
| It looks like that's where I'm going to be doing my special. | ||
| We already sold out the first show, and we're going to add a second show eventually, shortly, soon. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| For more information, go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| This fucking podcast is over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have the ending song right now. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Well, there's no ending song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Sing it, Joe. | ||
| Anything to say, Greg? | ||
| I love this. | ||
| I love this fucking podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| It was fun. |
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