Jan. 10, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:15:30
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Awww. | |
| Pow! | ||
| And we begin. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| You go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN. You will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| It's a fucking solid product, and we stand behind it. | ||
| We're also brought to you by... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I stand in front of it, Joe. | |
| What kind of fleshlight fucking are you doing? | ||
| Are you putting it in your ass? | ||
| Am I doing it wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Am I doing it wrong? | |
| Are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, even doing it wrong, it feels so right. | |
| Even doing it wrong, it feels so right. | ||
| I'm sure someone must have used the flashlight that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yes. | |
| Yeah, I've seen some giant things up people's asses. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like a human fleshipede? | |
| It's like a big circle of guys. | ||
| Half of them are fucking and half of them are bringing their ass. | ||
| I saw one dude's foot up another dude's ass. | ||
| A dude had his foot up a dude's ass. | ||
| All the way up to the ankle. | ||
| Was that just for shock value, like justmeet.com, or was that more like a sexual thing? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You've got to wonder with the motivation behind anybody wanting to take that picture or see that picture. | ||
| You know, like, whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's that? | |
| Oh, fuck, fuck. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Tom, go get the camera. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom, get the camera! | ||
| Does it feel good for your toes? | ||
| Who took that picture? | ||
| Does it feel good for his ass? | ||
| Who's happy here? | ||
| Who's happy in this moment? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
| As I say, with all these nootropics and different things that are cognitive enhancing supplements, do some research. | ||
| If you're interested in this stuff, don't just buy AlphaBrain, please. | ||
| Go and google nootropics and read some articles. | ||
| It's very fascinating. | ||
| They have a bunch of proprietary blends that a bunch of other companies have that are great as well. | ||
| Just go look and try some stuff out. | ||
| Read some things on it. | ||
| Some things will react well with you. | ||
| Some things won't. | ||
| If you like Alpha Brain but you think it's too expensive, this is what I want you to do. | ||
| I want you to go to the ingredients list and copy it. | ||
| It shows you the exact dose. | ||
| Copy it, buy the shit in bulk, and put it together yourself. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| If you buy it and it doesn't work and you don't like it, it's 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| We try to make this as easy as possible. | ||
| There's no other way to make it as clear as possible that I am much more concerned with you not feeling ripped off than I am with making money. | ||
| So, I think it's a real product. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It works for me. | ||
| AlphaBrain gives me like a nice little, like a peppy feeling. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck's going on with it. | ||
| I don't know what it does. | ||
| I bet that stops a lot of people from taking drugs. | ||
| Well, some people like... | ||
| Just the idea like, well, it might not work if I'm going to be out $400 or whatever it is. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want to take a chance at something that might not work. | ||
| But if I get some guarantee, that'd be pretty good. | ||
| Wait, like drugs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| No, like any sort of mood enhancers or whatever you need for whatever else. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What drugs do people take? | ||
| This is nothing like a drug, though. | ||
| None of these things. | ||
| I mean, the only thing that would be close is the New Mood, the 5-HTP supplement, which is like a serotonin booster. | ||
| But even that, it would be like the subtlest of smiles that permeates your brain. | ||
| Have you ever used 5-HTP? It didn't do much for me. | ||
| Didn't? | ||
| Were you taking the Neil Brennan-sized doses? | ||
| I was taking a lot. | ||
| Yeah, he said he just goes over the... | ||
| He, whatever the fucking recommended DA is, he jacks that shit about 10. He's like, thanks for recommending it. | ||
| I'll take him to account. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he just goes nuts. | ||
| Yeah, but, well, I thought it was really fascinating that he said that his doctor, who had him on some sort of an antidepressant, told him to get off the 5-HTP because it was essentially... | ||
| Like taking two antidepressants? | ||
| There's something where it can react really badly with SSRIs. | ||
| But that's like half the antidepressants of that are SSRIs. | ||
| But it can cause you some weird overdose. | ||
| What is the SSRI? What is the actual name for that? | ||
| It's like serotonin. | ||
| Something, re-inhibitor? | ||
| Yeah, like it adds or deletes serotonin. | ||
| Well, I've heard, there's also, Brian, you read something about the dangers of 5-HTP online, right? | ||
| What the fuck was that about? | ||
| Somebody sent me this because of yesterday's podcast where I've been talking about my arm, which we've talked to the doctor and he said it's probably from podcasting and then he made that song all about how weak I was. | ||
| No, there was somebody sent on WebMD that 5-HTP might be unsafe and not to take it because there's been reports that people who are taking it are getting a serious condition with extreme muscle tenderness called myalgia. | ||
| And blood abnormalities, one of those words. | ||
| And so they said that you shouldn't take it, that they're thinking it's a contaminant in some 5-HTP products. | ||
| Oh, so it's not 5-HTP, it's something that's contaminated in 5-HTP. Right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
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So pretty much there's sour milk going around. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So the sour milk that's giving people muscle soreness? | ||
| Yeah, muscle soreness out of nowhere. | ||
| We'll get to the bottom of that. | ||
| I'll find out what the fuck that is. | ||
| So if that's the case, pay attention to that, folks. | ||
| Don't buy shit from Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've already talked to... | |
| It's a little too cheap. | ||
| Look into it. | ||
| I've already talked to Aubrey about it from Onnit Labs, and he said not to worry about it. | ||
| They test it like three times. | ||
| Their own labs test it like three times to make sure that's all good. | ||
| But he said he'll look into it more, but he said that's what he... | ||
| So it's some cheap company? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it's like cheap company 5-HTPs. | |
| You know, like when you're at the store, like you're at the CVS, and you see, like, oh, there's this one for $2, you know? | ||
| That's good to know. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We also have... | ||
| Well, Alphabet doesn't have that, anyway. | ||
| This is New Mood, which is the 5-HTP and L-tryptophan supplement. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I've been taking it. | ||
| But yeah, I would definitely consider looking into whatever the fuck this WebD article is about. | ||
| Because that's a pretty serious stuff. | ||
| But in my honest opinion, I think the doctor is right. | ||
|
unidentified
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In my honest opinion. | |
| I mean, somebody just sent that to me. | ||
| Obviously, you're moving your arm in the same direction. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I'm like the Vector Raptor. | |
| Because I have to kind of... | ||
|
unidentified
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What's that shit called that barbers get a lot from... | |
| Carpal Tunnels? | ||
|
unidentified
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Carpal Tunnels. | |
| Barbers get that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Secretaries. | ||
| Also, secretaries get it a lot. | ||
| What else? | ||
| What other womanly like? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm just podcasting too much. | |
| Yeah, you've got to take days off, man. | ||
| Ice your elbow. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're falling apart, son. | ||
| You're falling apart, son! | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Anyway, like we said with Onnit, if you don't like it, don't buy it. | ||
| And if you're interested, go look all the other different things that are available online. | ||
| But if you want to buy Alpha Brain, it's available at Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We also have two different mushroom supplements. | ||
| One's called Shroom Tech Sport, and that's one for extreme endurance exercises. | ||
| If you're a person who likes to do CrossFit or shit like that, if you do Jiu-Jitsu or you're doing MMA, this Shroom Tech Sport is awesome. | ||
| It's a Cordyceps mushroom and B12 supplement. | ||
| It's great for energy. | ||
| The Chinese Olympic team was the first to start using it in the 90s. | ||
| Apparently it's like a mushroom that enhances your body's ability to absorb air. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, in high altitudes. | ||
| They noticed that cattle were eating these mushrooms and they were much more lively, so people started experimenting with them. | ||
| I thought when you said mushroom pills... | ||
| You thought I was talking about pill pill mushrooms? | ||
| Yeah, they have those now. | ||
| Mushroom, mushroom pill pill? | ||
| Pure psilocybin? | ||
| Oh, that's death. | ||
| No mushrooms? | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| My friend's taking them and he's like, they're just great, man. | ||
| You don't get the upset stomach and everything else the same. | ||
| It's like THC pills. | ||
| Yeah, but I feel like then you're not working for it. | ||
| It's part of the mushroom experience. | ||
| If you're going to get the gift from the plant, you're going to eat that shitty body of it. | ||
| I have to try it. | ||
| I don't know where it gets them. | ||
| This is nothing like that. | ||
| This is just for endurance. | ||
| And there's another one for immune. | ||
| It's called Shroom Tech Immune, which is a great one. | ||
| It's a really interesting way it works. | ||
| The way it's going to explain to me is there's this mushroom, and when your body detects it, your body thinks that it's some sort of – it might be a bug, like it might be a cold or something like that. | ||
| So your immune system fires up for a fight that never comes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, so this mushroom somehow or another tricks your body into thinking it's going to be attacked, but nothing happens. | ||
| Oh, and it fights it off. | ||
| It pumps up. | ||
| It pumps up for a fight and there's no fight. | ||
| So it really helps your immune system ward off colds quicker. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| I believe, and I think, and here's something to look into too, folks, is probiotics I think are very important. | ||
| Something that a lot of people... | ||
| Is that echinacea? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Probiotics are live cultures. | ||
| It's like acidophilus or kombucha is my favorite. | ||
| I drink that kombucha shit. | ||
| I drink that tea every day. | ||
| I really firmly believe it keeps you from getting sick. | ||
| Blueberries? | ||
| They're antioxidants. | ||
| Antioxidants, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| This is a little different, though. | ||
| This is a live culture. | ||
| Live culture is actually living things. | ||
| It's an organism you're taking into your body that actually fights off bad shit. | ||
| It's kind of crazy, but it works. | ||
| This organism works symbiotically with your body. | ||
| Is it on all mushrooms, or is it just like specific? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Some of them will fucking kill you. | ||
| These mushrooms, you fuck up and eat the wrong ones, you'll have instant liver failure. | ||
| There's some serious failure mushrooms out there. | ||
| And somebody had to find that out, man. | ||
| Somebody had to eat those things, and then they had to, like, everybody stand and watch them, and then 20 minutes later, he's fucking black-skinned and foaming at the mouth, and his whole body's spasming. | ||
| And you're like, okay, now we know. | ||
| That mushroom is bad. | ||
| Don't fucking eat that. | ||
| And they had to know this, by the way, back when there was no books. | ||
| There's no writing it down. | ||
| Everyone told you. | ||
| You remember how honeysuckles were okay to eat, but that other berry weren't. | ||
| What? | ||
| Remember honeysuckles? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| No, I don't remember honeysuckles. | ||
|
unidentified
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Have you seen those lately? | |
| I was looking for them recently. | ||
| There was one drop of honey. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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I've been actually looking for them. | |
| They don't have those out here in Los Angeles, do they? | ||
| Because I thought I saw one the other day. | ||
| I thought I saw one too, but I didn't actually grab it and see if it was one. | ||
| I think they have them somewhere, but not a lot, definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
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I miss those. | |
| Yeah, they're great when you're biking around. | ||
| But you just knew which ones were the fine ones. | ||
|
unidentified
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The purple pinky ones. | |
| O-N-N-I-T dot com. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. Get 10% off. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
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Boom! | |
| Ari Shaffir is here. | ||
| Start the program. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Sneakiest commercials ever. | ||
|
unidentified
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Showing my name, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | |
| I'm revolutionizing commercials. | ||
| I was trying to get mushrooms for Renaissance Reap. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They're in Missouri for Shroomfest. | ||
| I was like, I'll find them for you. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You were putting in a network? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, I'll call my favorites if you guys want to take part in this. | ||
| But then somebody was like, why don't you just pick them? | ||
| They're all over. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I realized, like, I trust my drug dealer over what I find in nature. | ||
| I had a guy come up to me after a show once, one of the creepiest dudes ever. | ||
| He was just sweaty and weird and shit, and he gave me a bag of mushrooms. | ||
| Hey man, I picked these myself. | ||
| I'm like, I would fucking take your mushrooms, crazy face. | ||
| But you picked yourself. | ||
| Yeah, but who do you trust? | ||
| You trust a regular drug dealer? | ||
| He's just a weird-looking dude, man. | ||
| Well, you know, you trust people who know the right people who are growing them. | ||
| You've got to get into the deep matrix of where to get the mushrooms. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
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The other ones are super poisonous in the wrong way. | |
| I don't know how much different psilocybin mushrooms look than any other mushrooms. | ||
| By the time I get them, they're all dried out and someone's taking care of them. | ||
| I've never seen one, I don't think, out in the wild. | ||
| I've never seen that red top. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That was on my property in Colorado. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| So did you take that? | ||
| No, I didn't, but I just took pictures of it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, that's cool. | |
| And that was the red top of the dot, with the spots? | ||
| With the white spots. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Mario Brothers ones. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The Amanita Mascaria. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's the one that John Marco Allegra... | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| See, that's a very funky mushroom. | ||
| It's a really different mushroom. | ||
| It doesn't have psilocybin in it. | ||
| It works in a completely different way with your body. | ||
| It's a psychedelic, but it's completely different. | ||
| And it's seasonable. | ||
| It's variable genetically. | ||
| It's variable from different climates. | ||
| What we're getting in America, I don't believe, is the same Amanita muscaria mushroom. | ||
| There's been a lot of debate on this amongst all those psychedelic connoisseurs, those people, those Terrence McKenna-type fellows. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why a lot of people have taken it and it doesn't do anything. | ||
| I took it once and it didn't do shit. | ||
| I took it with Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Just wig mushrooms? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Jan made it. | ||
| So what were they? | ||
| Jan's a fucking... | ||
| He's a real head. | ||
| I would trust him. | ||
| Yeah, he would. | ||
| And he did the right thing. | ||
| He did it all right, but it just wasn't getting us. | ||
| But then... | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you eat any time near that time that you took it? | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| We did it the right way. | ||
| We did it the right way. | ||
| But then we mixed it with psilocybin mushrooms. | ||
| Dug through in some psilocybin, and then we went to the fucking center of the universe. | ||
| It's like mixing them together. | ||
| Wow, it was a total mindfuck. | ||
| And that was one of the things that they believe is soma. | ||
| Soma was some sort of a mixture. | ||
| It's talked about with great reverence in the Hindu texts and Soma is greater than Brahma, greater than Indra. | ||
|
unidentified
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Soma the pill? | |
| Soma. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| They just stole the word. | ||
| What Soma is is like the greatest psychedelic ever, apparently. | ||
| So what is that? | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| That's the craziest thing about it. | ||
| It's written with so much love, but somehow, somewhere, they lost the formula. | ||
| Nobody knows what SOMA is. | ||
| So it's all debated. | ||
| Like, Gordon Wasson thought it was aminida muscaria. | ||
| McKenna thought it was psilocybin. | ||
| They think it might be a combinatory drug with psilocybin mixed in with some other stuff. | ||
| And some people think it might be psilocybin and aminida muscaria. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| So why is this aminida muscaria? | ||
| How does that hit you? | ||
| What does that do for you? | ||
| Well, it depends on where you get it. | ||
| Like I said, I can't speak from personal experience because what I got didn't really work, I don't think. | ||
| It's hard to tell because it was like a few hours and nothing had changed. | ||
|
unidentified
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But it's supposed to make you chip out without psilocybin? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| It's supposed to, yeah. | ||
| It's supposed to be able to. | ||
| But I don't know in what form. | ||
| I don't know what part of the world you've got to get it. | ||
| It's variable. | ||
| That's the issue with it. | ||
| It's not always psychedelic. | ||
| But what it is, is Santa Claus. | ||
| The image of Santa Claus being this red and white guy. | ||
| The image of the trees underneath the pine... | ||
| Excuse me, the presence underneath the pine cones or the pine trees. | ||
| It has a mycorrhizal relationship with birch trees. | ||
| I mean, it literally grows under these fucking Christmas trees. | ||
| That's where it grows. | ||
| And it's well wrapped in shiny colors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's shiny as fuck. | ||
| Sounds like an Eddie Griffin conspiracy theory. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It does, but that's really what it is. | ||
| I mean, the whole Christmas presents under the tree thing is directly related to this Amanita muscaria mushroom. | ||
| It is red and white. | ||
| And the way they dry these mushrooms out, by the way, is they hang them over the fireplace. | ||
| That's why people have red and white stockings hanging over their fireplace. | ||
| Why the fuck else? | ||
| To dry them out? | ||
| To dry them out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nice. | |
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| So it's become this stocking now. | ||
| What it used to be is red and white mushrooms hanging underneath your fireplace. | ||
|
unidentified
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Where's the proof of that? | |
| There's a lot of proof. | ||
| A lot of proof. | ||
| There's not only that. | ||
| All the old, if you go back to all the old Christmas cards, they all have mushrooms in them. | ||
| Mushroom symbology. | ||
| Big Amanita mushroom. | ||
| And what old Christmas? | ||
| All the old Christmas cards. | ||
| The elves look like mushrooms. | ||
| The elves are what you see when you take mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| If you take enough. | ||
| And then on top of it, these elves are always playing with mushrooms. | ||
| They always have this Amanita muscaria mushroom in Santa Claus. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you go back and look. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| I thought Coca-Cola made up Santa Claus. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| What did Coca-Cola make up? | ||
| Oh, you silly Jew. | ||
| What did Coca-Cola make up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did Coca-Cola make up? | |
| The colors? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was claimed, but then became proof that there was an artist from at least, I believe, a decade or two before that who was attributed to making Santa Claus red and white. | ||
| They thought that Santa Claus was one color and then he was made red and white because of... | ||
| Because of Coca-Cola. | ||
|
unidentified
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Co-created the black Santa Claus. | |
| The black Santa Claus? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I think Coca-Cola just created the black one. | |
| I'm going to find some pictures for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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It was like grooving with some Coca-Cola Santa. | |
| And so it always had mushroom stuff in it in the Christmas time? | ||
| Did it grow in that time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, I hear this. | |
| Come here. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Come on over here. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| All these Christmas things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| And every single person that drew every single one of those lived in California. | ||
| Dude, you're retarded. | ||
| These are old as fuck. | ||
| These are from the 1700s, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Okay, look. | ||
| This is old as fuck. | ||
| See this? | ||
| Christmas? | ||
| Look. | ||
| Amanita muscaria mushroom. | ||
| That's a really old picture, dude. | ||
| Okay, there's a bunch of them. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| This is like all, from a long time ago, that was the norm. | ||
| A long time ago in Europe especially, that was the norm. | ||
|
unidentified
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Give up that website so people can look at this. | |
| This is what I want you to Google. | ||
| Just Google Santa and Amanita muscaria. | ||
|
unidentified
|
M-U-S. Yeah, but you look at the identity. | |
| If you go to, like, say, I don't know where Christmas was born. | ||
| It seems like it was born in Germany or something. | ||
| But if you go to Germany and look at, like, the same year, try to find artwork of the same Christmas stuff, like, in Germany from that exact time period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I bet none of them had mushrooms on. | |
| They all had, like, you know, something else. | ||
| Well, you're just guessing this off the top of your fucking head when I'm showing you pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just saying that's what I would think. | |
| Well, you would think wrong because I'm showing you pictures of Christmas cards from the 1700s that have all these mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure there was. | |
| There was some wacky Christmas cards back in the 1700s. | ||
| No, no, no, Brian, there's a lot of them. | ||
| Look at this one right here. | ||
| Look at this one right here with an old picture of Santa and he's got all these fucking Amanita muscaria mushrooms at his feet. | ||
| What's that from? | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| Let me find out. | ||
| It's old as fuck. | ||
| Officially, old as fuck. | ||
| I'll find out the ages of the pictures. | ||
| But these are, you know, these are like ancient fucking Christmas cards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could see Easter, I just can't see Santa Claus. | |
| Why would you not see it? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know, it's just like... | |
| Why is this not talked about all the time then? | ||
|
unidentified
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Why is this not on regular TV? First of all, because it's preposterous. | |
| I feel this is like the Tower 7 of holiday stories. | ||
| So you're saying it's sort of just cut loss and mushrooms are just in it for... | ||
| Look, there's so many correlations. | ||
| Listen to the connections, okay? | ||
| The way they dry these fucking things out is twofold. | ||
| One, they hang them on the trees. | ||
| They put them in the branches so they dry by the sun. | ||
| Or B, they hang them under the fireplace. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| You see fucking stockings hanging on the fireplace. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see ornaments, shiny ornaments on the tree. | |
| They literally grow under this same tree that we use as a Christmas tree. | ||
| And they are shiny packages. | ||
| And if you get them from the right place, apparently they make you trip the fuck out. | ||
| That's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for the writings in the Bible. | ||
| It's the sacred mushroom in the cross. | ||
| The Amanita muscaria mushroom is on the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross. | ||
| It just makes sense to me that if scholars believe that there's a connection between this mushroom and religious texts, then of course there's a connection between this mushroom and Santa Claus. | ||
| And if you add up all the things that line up, as far as hanging it over the fireplace and putting it on trees, it totally could be possible. | ||
| So if you go to Encyclopedia Britannica's headquarters in wherever that would be, like Wisconsin... | ||
| And you go to them and go, alright, what is Christmas to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you guys have about the mushroom thing? | |
| They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Get out of here, hippie. | ||
| Wouldn't you think that... | ||
| Well, I think that they're not that willing to incorporate any sort of illegal drug ideology into their... | ||
| They probably just would ignore it, even if there's a lot of evidence. | ||
| Do you think sometimes that people that do a lot of mushrooms try to make connections with everything in past history? | ||
| Sure, definitely they do. | ||
| 420 people would do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's what my judge... | |
| If I had to judge, like if this was a game show, that's what my judgment would be. | ||
| It's like, yeah, that's just some hippie that made this awesome connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great story. | |
| No, Brian, that's a silly thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that's what I'm thinking. | |
| Okay, well, that's a dumb way to think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because scholars like John Marco Allegro... | ||
| I'm not sold on anything. | ||
| I'm not sold on anything, but I'm definitely not sold on you just talking off your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just putting a counterpoint. | |
| You're putting a counterpoint to a fucking guy who is a scholar. | ||
| John Marco Allegro studied the Genese scrolls for 14 years. | ||
| The only ones that do are religious ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, but... | |
| Who says the opposite? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The religious ones? | |
| He was the only agnostic. | ||
| He was the only agnostic. | ||
| Couldn't it be... | ||
| We're not talking about Psychopedia Britannica. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying that... | |
| We're talking about the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it wouldn't even be an encyclopedia Britannica. | |
| Couldn't it be part of the... | ||
| What's the Christmas original? | ||
| The pagan holiday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So couldn't it be part of that pagan holiday? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That ritual? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, definitely. | |
| And they sort of took over that... | ||
| They used those gods? | ||
| It's just the real question is, what's with the elves? | ||
| What's with the fucking mushrooms And all these Christmas pictures What's with the correlations Why do these mushrooms exist And why do they coincide with this holiday What is the big deal But the big deal is these people were tripping their fucking balls off man That's what it is And it became somehow or another It turned into a guy coming down the chimney And giving you presents What it was is this was some shit they found under the tree. | ||
| That's much more likely to me. | ||
| If you've got a fucking plant that makes you trip balls and ancient people find out about it, they worship that shit. | ||
| You know, it becomes like a huge part of their life. | ||
| Could you imagine if your world was the regular world of people that lived before books? | ||
| I mean, you're barely civilized. | ||
| Barely got it together. | ||
| People are just getting by every day, getting sick. | ||
| Nobody knew what the fuck was going on. | ||
| There was no doctors. | ||
| We just died, man. | ||
| They gave you some leaves to chew on and you usually just fucking died. | ||
| What if they found something like this? | ||
| If they found that there were some mushrooms and you would eat them and all of a sudden... | ||
| You'd be lying in a field and fucking spiraling through the universe on the most wild ride of joy and ecstasy of your life. | ||
| And you would want to fucking praise that shit. | ||
| You would want to make that a part of your... | ||
| Yeah, you would want to create a holiday. | ||
| You'd want to make it a part of your everyday life. | ||
| You would be worshipping it. | ||
| You know, that's the feeling behind a lot of people, why there was all this cattle worship in the ancient world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because no one can understand that. | ||
| Like, why would you have these, like, really aggressive primates? | ||
| They did worship cats, yeah, but they didn't worship them like people worship, like the Hindus worship cows. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, cows are much more important. | ||
| Do Hindus worship cows? | ||
| They just say they leave them alone. | ||
| No, man, you don't eat them. | ||
| They don't eat them. | ||
| They consider them sacred. | ||
| They consider them... | ||
| I don't know the... | ||
| Something. | ||
| Something cool. | ||
| They consider them something cool. | ||
| But I think that has to do with the cow shitting. | ||
| This is what Wikipedia says about it. | ||
| And mushrooms growing in the cow shit. | ||
| This is what Wikipedia has about it. | ||
| About what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Christmas? | |
| The relation for mushrooms to Santa Claus. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fly agarics. | ||
| I don't know what fly agarics are. | ||
| That's the actual plant. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Appearing Christmas cards and New Year's cards from around the world as a symbol of good luck. | ||
| The ethnobotanist Jonathan Ott has suggested the idea of Santa Claus and tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace based centrally upon this mushroom itself. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have had proposals. | ||
| The generally red and white color scheme. | ||
| He argues that Santa Claus suit is related to the mushroom. | ||
| He also draws on parallels with flying reindeer. | ||
| Reindeer have been reported to consume the mushroom and prance around in an intoxicated manner afterwards. | ||
| That's what's up with flying reindeer. | ||
| Reindeer love Amanita muscaria mushrooms so much that when people have these mushroom huddles... | ||
| And they eat and they trip out. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| The other thing about Amanita muscaria mushrooms is about recycling the urine. | ||
| The way to really trip your balls off is apparently a lot of whatever it is that's psychoactive inside the mushroom, it passes through your body and into your urine. | ||
| And if you drink your urine, it kicks the whole experience to the next level. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| While you're on it? | ||
| While you're tripping balls, you piss into a cup. | ||
| I go pee a lot when I'm on mushrooms. | ||
| You're going to go deep, deep, deep. | ||
| The guy, the dude who told me who did it said it was crazy. | ||
| It was like he was tripping and everybody's like, okay, if you have to pee, you got to drink your pee. | ||
| And he's like, fuck, man, I don't want to drink my pee. | ||
| I'm already tripping balls. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| And he drank his pee and it was like, blah! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Psilocybin mushrooms, that's the case. | ||
| Amanita miscaria, that's the case. | ||
| But I would think while I'm on mushrooms, I'd be like, dude, don't trust your... | ||
| This is just the mushrooms talking. | ||
| Do not drink your pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, it's the shaman talking. | ||
| It's like the ancient tradition of doing it. | ||
| That's how you take it to the next level. | ||
| While you're in the middle of your mushroom experience, you drink your urine, and whatever it is, whether it's psilocin, psilocybin, whatever it is that's passed through, I don't know the technical components of it, but apparently... | ||
| Talking to several people who've done it. | ||
| This is what this guy says. | ||
| If Santa Claus had one eye, or if magic urine had been part of his legend, it'd be way easier to believe. | ||
| That's why there's a dispute. | ||
| It's like it's not super clear. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I think it's possible, though. | ||
| There was an article about it in the magazine Sunday Times in 1980, and The New Scientist in 1986. Those are legitimate... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's not, you know, this is not my wacky idea. | ||
| This is an idea that's been kicked around for decades. | ||
| People believe it that are, you know... | ||
| Like, there are serious scholars that believe in this silly idea. | ||
| But the whole idea of it being illegal is what's the most fascinating thing to me. | ||
| Yeah, it's illegal. | ||
| The whole idea that these mushrooms are illegal. | ||
| That this is somehow or another some person has decided to pass some sort of a law... | ||
| Saying that you can't experience this. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| I was walking out of a pot store once early on at a zen. | ||
| I was like, I still felt like it's cool that I'm having drugs. | ||
| And I saw a cop on the corner. | ||
| I was like, doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm holding my drugs. | ||
| But then I realized in my other hand I had a bag of mushrooms. | ||
| I was like, oh, this I gotta hide. | ||
| Trying not to be so weird. | ||
| You fucking dork. | ||
| Walking down the street with mushrooms in your hand. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're just living that crazy comedy life, son. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Yeah, you guess. | ||
| Nobody cares in LA. They don't care in LA. But I hope it stays this way. | ||
| You know, the real issue is the federal issue. | ||
| You know, if we could find one cool spot and if they, you know, supported states' rights, we could find a cool spot where we could make pretty much everything legal. | ||
| We all got together and said, hey, we're going to have one clarity state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a state where, you know, murder, crime, theft, all that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that's all illegal. | ||
| Arson illegal. | ||
| The obvious stuff. | ||
| Rapes illegal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The rest of it, shut up, man. | ||
| The rest of it, just shut the fuck up. | ||
| There's too many goddamn laws. | ||
| This is how it's going to go down. | ||
| This is where the money's going to go here. | ||
| This is going to be legal. | ||
| This will be regulated. | ||
| You'll have to buy in a store. | ||
| Well, then you'll know it's pure and it's tested by the government. | ||
| That's where the government can help out. | ||
| Test mushrooms. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| You want to help out? | ||
| You want to really be in service of the people? | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| We get rid of some of the government jobs. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| The John Hopkins study said that people taking mushrooms, even just one experience, significantly affected them for decades. | ||
| Significantly affected their personality and changed it for the better. | ||
| I know psychedelic experiences change me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Every time I take them, I have thoughts of what I need to do right or what I'm doing wrong or what's fucking with me. | ||
| Those are just jolts of reality that you don't get unless you take a psychedelic. | ||
| You can get pretty deep when you meditate. | ||
| So where you see yourself outside you really easily. | ||
| You can get pretty deep when you meditate, and I'm not above the idea that some people can get to psychedelic states naturally, because it's been written about by so many people. | ||
| I think it's a discipline issue. | ||
| I think it's just like, you could tell someone, hey, I could teach you martial arts, and you could go and kick somebody's ass. | ||
| And then you're like, really? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| And then I give you like one lesson and throw you in there with a guy like Marcelo Garcia and you just get manhandled. | ||
| You're like, I could never fucking do this. | ||
| Because I don't think it's a one... | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| A lot of people, what you think is possible due to meditation is based on your level of meditation. | ||
| How deep have you taken it? | ||
| You know, I mean, how relaxed do you get? | ||
| How centered do you get when you meditate? | ||
| Because some people get super distracted and it... | ||
| It never gets more than a, yeah, it never gets more than a surface sort of a relaxation. | ||
| I feel like every time I go real deep with mushrooms, I take a little, I see like these universal truths. | ||
| I can sort of hold on to it barely for like a second or two or like a day. | ||
| But then it's like the more I go, the more I can bring back and remember. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, this thing again, that's right. | ||
| All about, you know. | ||
| It's always humbling, right? | ||
| Always humbling. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you don't matter. | ||
| You don't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do. | |
| Everyone's just the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do. | |
| I mean, you do. | ||
| You have intent and you have will and you can spread positive energy. | ||
| You do matter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You matter. | ||
| But I mean, goddamn, there's a lot of us. | ||
| And we're all a part of one thing. | ||
| If we all matter, then you matter as well. | ||
| It's not that you don't matter, but goddamn, it's big. | ||
| It's fucking giant. | ||
| It's all-encompassing. | ||
| It's not just your house. | ||
| It's not just your car. | ||
| It's not just your street or your neighborhood. | ||
| It's the whole fucking universe, and it's all together in one giant fucking soup. | ||
| We just can't feel it. | ||
| We just can't feel it. | ||
| We feel like, well, there's distance between us and Mars. | ||
| There's no distance. | ||
| Everything between this and that, there's something there. | ||
| Whether it's dark matter or shit you can't see or stuff we haven't discovered, there is nowhere where there's not something. | ||
| There's no, even in a vacuum, there's something. | ||
| There's something everywhere. | ||
| And, you know, whether it's subatomic, whether it's... | ||
| We are connected to everything, everywhere. | ||
| And that is impossible to recognize without some sort of a full-blown psychedelic experience. | ||
| It takes something like that to feel it. | ||
| Because otherwise it's just a bunch of words. | ||
| Because I thought all those words before. | ||
| I thought all those words like, yeah, it's kind of cool. | ||
| I think we're all kind of connected. | ||
| And I think, yeah, the universe is huge. | ||
| I had all those thoughts before psychedelics. | ||
| And I had them with... | ||
| A certain amount of clarity, but there's a big difference between I feel like it sucks you out and just makes you see like you're just one of, even in your state, of so many people that you're just like a blip and then you see time before you and after you and you're like, oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it's insane. | ||
| It's insane to think that we have this short amount of time here and it seems like as the time goes on you just start figuring out what the fuck is going on. | ||
| That's like the thing about people today. | ||
| We live long enough to see the hustle. | ||
| We live long enough to see the bullshit. | ||
| If we were Romans, man, we would all be long dead. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| You're in your 30s. | ||
| I'm in my 40s. | ||
| We're dead people. | ||
| We're dead. | ||
| There's no way we'd be alive. | ||
| And if we were alive, we'd be totally crippled. | ||
| We'd have lion bites on our dicks and shit. | ||
| One of us would be missing an arm or something, you know? | ||
| You get fucked up back then, man. | ||
| But today we can live, and we live safely, and we have enough nutrition, and you're eating vitamins and everything, and you live long enough to see the goddamn hustle. | ||
| Ten years ago, they said one out of two people in England would live to see a hundred. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Wouldn't you love to live in a castle, though, back in the day, where you had the little courtyards, the little houses in between, like inside the castle? | ||
| In a castle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like a really big one. | |
| It must have been drafty as fuck. | ||
| I think that would be crazy, because you have this one giant house, and everybody around you has little houses. | ||
| That's the dumbest way to live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Wouldn't that be cool just to experience it for three days or something like that? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Experience what it would be like to have all those People in those little houses want to kill you and take your gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I wonder if it was like that. | |
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| If everybody else is starving and there's this giant house with people that are eating gold sandwiches. | ||
| You sound like you're describing Bashar Assad. | ||
| Bashar Assad? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He's the leader of Syria. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like everyone's starting to revolt, but it's like, I still got the guns. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Is that what's going on over there? | ||
| How crazy is that whole Arab area? | ||
| The whole Arab Spring thing? | ||
| This is nuts, man. | ||
| I took that guy out of my death pool. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a strange time for the whole part of the world. | ||
| Yeah, they're all internet, making everybody like, wait, what? | ||
| They did what over there? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they see what's possible. | ||
| He let them have the internet. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| He finally went lax on the internet, and then he was like, nah, it was his downfall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| Yeah, that and the CIA. Bitch! | ||
| You know the CIA had a little piece of that. | ||
| They're all saying it's outside influence, like you shouldn't be listening. | ||
| That's the spies that are starting all this. | ||
| But maybe, yeah. | ||
| That's the best way to overthrow them. | ||
| Get their own people to do it for us. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Arm them. | ||
| Arm them, help them. | ||
| And also, all we're trying to get them to do is just live free. | ||
| Yeah, but that shit don't work that way. | ||
| Make the new boss same as the old boss. | ||
| That's what's going on in Iraq right now. | ||
| Iraq, apparently, is just a fucking mess right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there's like a civil war about to break out. | ||
| That's what they always said. | ||
| As soon as we left, that was just going to happen, right? | ||
| Of course, man. | ||
| There's a vacuum. | ||
| And when there's a vacuum, someone's going to seek to fill it. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that are still alive that were alive back during the Saddam era. | ||
| And those people are going to try to get control of that bitch. | ||
| And then there's new people moving in. | ||
| And then there's also the idea that... | ||
| The connection between, you know, Iraq and Afghanistan and all of our resources and where the fuck is this country going and why do we have a hundred different bases all over the country or over the world? | ||
| It's like, you know, what are we wasting our time and our resources on? | ||
| Is this really necessary anymore? | ||
| Or is this just a bunch of people who have contracts and we keep giving them contracts because this is what we've always done and that's how they, you know, that's how they keep politicians in office and then we're stuck because that seems like what it is. | ||
| We're fucked, Shafir. | ||
| This is what they said, what Occupy Wall Street finally said. | ||
| They're like, the problem is if you get sponsored by a big corporation, you know, they give you a bunch of money for your campaign, they can effectively fire you by withholding that money that you need to get elected again. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Good luck doing this without, you know, $500 million in your ad budget this year, or however much it is, probably a lot more. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You need to get those bitches mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take him to Christmas. | |
| That's a good answer to a lot of things. | ||
| Get those bitches on mushrooms. | ||
| I tell that to a lot of people. | ||
| And it really is true. | ||
| When's the last time you did some mushrooms? | ||
| Maybe you should take some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Last time I did mushrooms, I found something crazy. | |
| I had a huge bag of really good mushrooms and I took half of them and tripped my ass off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super hard trip. | |
| Super visual. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I want to say this real quick. | ||
| I don't want you to get back to your story. | ||
| This is where I realized everybody's like, oh, the mushrooms I get are super good. | ||
| Everybody says that. | ||
| What they really mean is mushrooms are super good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever got bad mushrooms? | |
| No. | ||
| I have. | ||
| The first time I took it, I had the greatest time. | ||
| Second time, I ate two hours before and was just sitting on the couch watching Adventure Time and going, wow, this is all right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I took more the second time and it was the same mushrooms. | |
| The first time, I tripped my ass off because I didn't eat anything else the whole day. | ||
| Well, it also could be, you know, I've heard of people getting mushrooms. | ||
| Actually, I heard you of mushrooms. | ||
| You said it had some mold on it. | ||
| And the mold gave you, like, food poisoning? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, mushrooms give you food poisoning. | |
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think sometimes you get sick from mushrooms, and that's usually because maybe the mushrooms are... | |
| I've never gotten sick from them. | ||
| My friend barfed his first time. | ||
| I got a billy goat stomach. | ||
| I can eat some shit. | ||
| I've never barfed, but my friend who gave him to me the first time, who used to make him for everybody, said, you will get, you'll feel nauseous, like you're going to throw up. | ||
| He's like, you won't throw up. | ||
| Just sit down, look up in the air for a while, the feeling will pass. | ||
| Fear Factor completely changed my whole ability to withstand smells and people vomiting. | ||
| Oh, you can handle anything now. | ||
| I'm immune. | ||
| I'm completely immune to getting sick watching someone vomit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because I used to physically gag if I smelled puke when I was a kid. | ||
| You know what it was like. | ||
| Baby bird. | ||
| I was getting nauseous. | ||
| Yeah, baby bird was no problem for me, man. | ||
| I just sat right through that. | ||
| And the wind would shift and you'd catch a whiff of it. | ||
| Yeah, it was horrendous. | ||
| Baby Bird, if you don't know, was the greatest gag in the history of radio. | ||
| Greatest radio day of all time. | ||
| And Ari and I were there. | ||
| And Bill Burr. | ||
| And Bill Burr and Jimmy Norton. | ||
| And what it was, was there was this crazy kid that they had working for Opie and Anthony. | ||
| And his name is Pat Duffy. | ||
| You've got to back up on what Babe Bird is. | ||
| Yeah, well, I'm going to explain it through this way. | ||
| I'm just going to explain this kid. | ||
| And they can get this kid to do anything. | ||
| This kid brushed his teeth with dog shit. | ||
| He was a maniac. | ||
| He's a fucking maniac. | ||
| I saw him drink other people's puke. | ||
| I saw him drink a glass full of other dudes' pukes. | ||
| Dudes threw up. | ||
| There was some sort of an eating contest. | ||
| There was an eggnog drinking contest. | ||
| Yeah, but this was a different one. | ||
| I'm talking about a different one. | ||
| But I've seen him do some ridiculous shit before this. | ||
| So we had a bunch of guys there for the egg drinking contest. | ||
| And Pat from Unaki is the ace in the hole. | ||
| He wins that bitch every year. | ||
| He's got diabetes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got diabetes. | |
| He's got to take a shot as soon as he's done with it. | ||
| Yeah, so he's not supposed to be drinking eggnog in the first place. | ||
| And he's drinking, like, fucking gallons of it. | ||
| He's a big boy. | ||
| It's a double shot every 60 seconds. | ||
| Yeah, and he's up to, like, 70. 70 glasses of shots. | ||
| When did people start, like, chucking? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It seemed like 7, 8 in. | ||
| Some people, some people, by the way, this is non-alcoholic. | ||
| This is just eggnog. | ||
| Because if he drank, like, 70 shots, he'd be a dead man. | ||
| You'd be a dead man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But, so, what was your question? | ||
| When did people start Barford? | ||
| Because it was like 40 people signed up. | ||
| He got up to like 70 shots, I believe. | ||
| It was something insane. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| And he said he was going to puke, and we were trying to figure out what to do with the puke. | ||
| And just as a joke, I did not think anybody would say this. | ||
| I said, why don't you have this kid lean his head into the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I came up with the dumbest shit ever because I didn't think anybody would say yes. | ||
| And we were on edibles at the time, right? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| 99% sure. | ||
| 99% yeah. | ||
| I always am if I do Opie and Anthony. | ||
| So we were high as a kite and I never thought anyone would actually do this. | ||
| It was just going to such crazy extremes. | ||
| Yeah, it was ridiculous. | ||
| The dude laid on his back with the garbage pail and put his body into it and opened it. | ||
| A wash before a haircut. | ||
| Just all the way back. | ||
| Yeah, it was one of those big tubs, you know, a nice, good-sized garbage pail. | ||
| And he leans back and opens his mouth, and this guy, Pat from Unaki, and it's available online, right? | ||
| You can watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had two of the videos online. | |
| One got taken down because somebody complained that it was disgusting. | ||
| But there's another one on there. | ||
| Can you find it somewhere? | ||
| Just find, just look up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can't play it. | |
| Why can't we play it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because we don't have that technology at this here. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Either way, at this one, we need to set up that technology here, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this dude, I mean, just Google Baby Bird. | ||
| There's a picture online. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| I believe there's video, too. | ||
| The amount, the volume that came out of his mouth. | ||
| He's enveloping the other guy. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| It was the craziest thing I've ever seen anybody ever do. | ||
| I mean, he's hurling, hurling onto this guy's face. | ||
| And it's like a cartoon throw-up. | ||
| It totally doesn't look real. | ||
| You remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like pouring out a bucket of water out of the window. | |
| It was insane! | ||
| It was so much! | ||
| It was insane! | ||
| This giant fat man just unloading. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I talked to Opie and Anthony. | ||
| They said they would never be able to do that again. | ||
| What? | ||
| They said they can't do that again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Insurance reasons? | ||
| Insurance reasons. | ||
| They've tightened up. | ||
| It's actually dangerous to drink that much in your mouth. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's dangerous. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's dangerous. | ||
| We're glad no one died. | ||
| Somebody died in Sacramento, I believe. | ||
| Was it Sacramento? | ||
| From water? | ||
| They were drinking water. | ||
| They had a cut. | ||
| She died from an overdose of water. | ||
| It's on break.com. | ||
| Is it on Break.com? | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Go check that out, folks. | ||
| Trust me, it's worth it. | ||
| And it's on YouTube also. | ||
| Just in sheer ridiculousness. | ||
| It's just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen a person do ever. | ||
| We were there, Ari. | ||
| That was so great. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| You were there, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You weren't there, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You put the videos on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were sending me the videos. | |
| He was listening later. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I wish you were there. | ||
| The barfing started like seven minutes. | ||
| People would throw up and they were out. | ||
| And then one guy barfed into some Froot Loops and started eating it with a spoon. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That same kid, Pat Duffy? | ||
| And it just ramped up. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's what started it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I forgot that part. | ||
| And it was just like building and building. | ||
| And there was so much barf in the air. | ||
| If you want to be a shock jock, that kid is the greatest intern you could ever hope to hire. | ||
| I mean, that kid's a goddamn kamikaze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he's still alive. | |
| If he's alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's alive. | |
| He's alive. | ||
| He messaged me on Twitter a while back. | ||
| And they kept throwing that stuff in Roland's face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he would almost barf. | ||
| They kept showing it to him. | ||
| It was disgusting. | ||
| This is the picture. | ||
| If you go Baby Bird ONA and do a Google image search, it's the first one that pops up. | ||
| Oh, what an amazing photo it is, too. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Lord, I want to show this to Joe. | ||
| It's just so silly. | ||
| It's so great! | ||
| Anyway, what were you saying about that? | ||
| They can't do that anymore. | ||
| There's massive law, massive lawsuits, massive... | ||
| Really? | ||
| What it is, basically, is they've clamped down and they've made sure that there's less probability for getting sued. | ||
| And when there's less probability of getting sued, there's also less probability of something fucking crazy happening. | ||
| Supreme Court just took on the case, you would love this, of... | ||
| Getting rid of the FCC standards on network television. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They said pretty much, since 99% of people have cable, it's ridiculous anyway. | ||
| Channel 7's okay, but Channel 8's not. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Yeah, and they're hearing it now. | ||
| Would they have to do that now or not anymore? | ||
| Unfortunately, people are going to fight it, though. | ||
| There's a lot of pro-family, pro-Christian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of money. | |
| There will be a program that will be able to show you if there's nudity. | ||
| God, look at that photo! | ||
| My God! | ||
| Look at that photo. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| You can put that picture up. | ||
| You can put that picture up. | ||
| Is that the only way to do it here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, Ari emailed it to me. | |
| I could do it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is that the most ridiculous shit? | ||
| It looks like he's a spider, like breaking it down with his enzymes, breaking down that other guy. | ||
| It looks like a cartoon. | ||
| Anyway, we'll talk about something else before I get sick. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that anymore. | ||
| There's no fun. | ||
| I mean, if you want to have a business, though, you've got to think. | ||
| When you get involved in something serious, like this is a gigantic, fucking huge company that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, they can't lose everything because you assholes want to drink eggnog. | ||
| Hey, idiot face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sigh. | |
| That's the problem, man. | ||
| You know, Anthony Cumi, his show is now on iTunes, and he's got a video on iTunes. | ||
| How's he doing that? | ||
| I don't know, but he's paying for a video host. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I tried to do it twice now, and the video wouldn't play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His bandwidth must be fucked or something like that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| I think he just did it. | ||
| I bet he probably doesn't realize how much money he's going to have to pay in bandwidth. | ||
| What people don't realize, you have to have a host. | ||
| If you put something on iTunes, and it is free, you can put your shit on iTunes, but someone has to be downloading it from somewhere. | ||
| And you have to have a host. | ||
| iTunes is not storing your stuff. | ||
| They're not providing bandwidth. | ||
| They're basically providing a link to a website, a server that you pay for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And what's funny is that there's a lot of web hosts. | ||
| Like, unfortunately, I use DreamHost, which all my life has been great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I had to switch to a cloud computing thing where, like, but it was unlimited bandwidth, unlimited storage. | |
| Oh, I just have to leave that. | ||
| No, I'm on that. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| And then, but what they don't tell you is, no, wait, it doesn't count, like, unlimited memory of the computer, or something like that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, if there's too many people, you know? | |
| That's how they get you. | ||
| Yeah, so then you have to raise your bandwidth, and it's some bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole thing is a fucking crock. | |
| So they tell you it's unlimited bandwidth, and they tell you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but they trick you, because then they're like, oh, yeah, it's unlimited, but, you know... | |
| It's your memory and your computers. | ||
| They trick you in that. | ||
| So they make you buy more hard drives? | ||
| More computer power. | ||
| What do you mean by memory? | ||
| Do you mean by data storage space? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or is it like RAM? Like RAM, pretty much. | |
| So you buy more RAM? Yeah. | ||
| And then so now you're done by RAM, but what's bullshit is, DreamHost, I'm sorry, I'm going to start bashing you now, but DreamHost, you can search, you can have graphs of how much you use, how much RAM you use every hour, right? | ||
| And so I think I'm paying for, I forget how many, let's just say a thousand RAM. And I'll be using like 400 most of the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then out of nowhere, my shit will crash. | |
| And they're like, oh, you need to up your even more RAM. You gotta think though, dude. | ||
| You're running a lot of traffic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| But what they're saying is that my RAM has doubled in one second and crashes the computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it doesn't show it on the graph. | |
| And they're like, oh, there's spikes. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, spikes are doubling in one second and you don't have it on your graph. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So then they make you go up more. | ||
| Yeah, they can't prove it to you. | ||
| So then you go higher. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit. | ||
| Do you feel like you got ganked? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm getting ganked every day with this fucking dream host. | |
| And what's funny is I've had a website with them for a long-ass time, and before I was on cloud computing, when I was just spending like $18 a month, I still had a website that got hit a lot, doing all the videos like Carlos Mencia videos and all those other videos we used to do all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My shit got hit a lot, and it never went down. | |
| It never was like a problem. | ||
| But they get you on these cloud computings now. | ||
| It's just, fuck dream host. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is a very angry Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck dream host. | |
| You see him? | ||
| He's all fired up, man. | ||
| He gets passionate about his poor little site. | ||
| You know, I feel like he'd be a lot more comfortable if he just had a Wikipedia page. | ||
| Yeah, please make a Wikipedia page. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm getting beat by a wrestler. | |
| So you really believe that if you get this Shorty Award thing, that somehow or another... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a few administers who have contacted me through Wikipedia... | |
| They're just fucking trailing you along. | ||
| I want to tell you a story about George C. Scott. | ||
| They don't like you, and then once you get a Shorty Award, they're going to go, who the fuck gives a shit about your Shorty Award, bitch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you're going to be like, God damn, I worked so hard to get that Shorty Award. | |
| They're making me work for it, those Wikipedia bitches. | ||
| They're making you bang over. | ||
| George C. Scott won an Oscar for Patton and said, I'm not going to that, and just didn't show up. | ||
| He goes, what the fuck do I care? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, he was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Did you ever see The Hustler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| George C. Scott was a scary character in The Hustler. | ||
| You owe me money! | ||
| He's a scary dude, man. | ||
| This is after he's screaming that to Paul Newman after he fucked Paul Newman's girlfriend and forced her to commit suicide. | ||
| And then he said, you owe me money! | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| Like it hasn't stopped? | ||
| Yeah, he was a scary dude. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie, man. | ||
| Imagine how good that movie must have been in like, what was it, like 64 or something like that? | ||
| It was a really old movie, you know? | ||
| Imagine how good it was then. | ||
| There's some movies, man, that just hold up and there's other ones you watch and you just go, what the fuck? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened between... | ||
| I always got uncomfortable when I saw stuff like that in movies. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It made me feel extra bad with some girl being unfaithful or really fucking over somebody sexually. | ||
| That always made me feel like, oh, God. | ||
| That bothers you the most? | ||
| That's way worse than if you're experimenting on homeless people. | ||
| Did you, when you were young, did you have a girl that you were really in love with and she left you for another dude? | ||
| You always thought that that was going to happen, maybe? | ||
| No, I just thought it was so wrong. | ||
| Maybe because it didn't happen. | ||
| See, to me, I dated a gang of whores in a row. | ||
| And I caught a bunch of them banging other dudes. | ||
| And so when that happens, it lowers your expectations. | ||
| So you're like, whatever, it's fine, it happens. | ||
| You know, I mean, I realized as I got older that it was mostly my fault and I was attracting the wrong person into my life. | ||
| You know, you're attracting someone where you know. | ||
| It's the worst that you don't know someone's a whore who just likes to fuck and you're like, damn it, I fell in love. | ||
| Well, part of it is that and part of it is subconsciously I think you're just trying to attract the wrong person possible. | ||
| Subconsciously, you don't think you're worthy of anybody any good so you just get these nightmares that you know are never going to last and then you get stuck. | ||
| I love how Detective Drew always says that. | ||
| Like, do you always date this type of person? | ||
| Like, no, I mean, yeah, they all hit me, but what do you mean? | ||
| There's no correlation, right? | ||
| My dad hit me. | ||
| People are fucking strange with patterns, man. | ||
| They're strange with getting locked into things, you know? | ||
| Like, I knew dudes, and I never understood this. | ||
| They could not stop going to the track. | ||
| They would go to the racetrack, and to them, it was their crack, man. | ||
| There was guys that didn't even have any money, and they would go and hang out with dudes who had money, hoping that if the guy won something, he would give them a gapper. | ||
| So they could fucking put it on. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's the gambler's creed. | ||
| A gapper is, you know, you throw 20 this guy's way, he sweats your match, you throw 50 his way. | ||
| It's a big thing in the pool world. | ||
| Like, say, if you are hanging with a bunch of guys and everyone's broke, and one guy... | ||
| Wins a bunch of money, he'll give his friends some money if you're hanging out with him and they sweat his match. | ||
| What do you sweat his match? | ||
| Cheer for him? | ||
| Yeah, watch his match. | ||
| And it's sort of like when you give guys gappers, it's the right intention. | ||
| It spreads a little of the money around. | ||
| That way, one day when you're broke, because all those pool players, all those pool hustlers, all professional pool players at one point in time were probably broke. | ||
| Or we'll be broke again. | ||
| It's a tough living. | ||
| When you're out there gambling and you're trying to play in tournaments and you can't get roles and you're trying to make money and you're trying to pay for hotel bills. | ||
| It's a hard life. | ||
| The life of the professional pool player out of all the skill games in the world might be one of the hardest lives. | ||
| They don't make that much money, man. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's a hard gig. | ||
| It's hard to put it together. | ||
| There's only a few guys at the very top that really make money. | ||
| Hard gig is so much easier. | ||
| Our gig's the easiest. | ||
| But you gotta be funny. | ||
| If you're not funny, our gig is death. | ||
| Yeah, if you can't catch a break. | ||
| If you're not supposed to be a comedian, our gig is the scariest thing in the world for a lot of people. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who aren't supposed to be comedians that are doing just funny. | ||
| I know, isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah, it is weird. | ||
| When you're like, what? | ||
| Everyone agrees you're bad. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird how some guys, even though they're terrible, somehow or another they wind up sticking around long enough to get paid for it occasionally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And not a lot, but every now and then they'll get a gig here and a gig there. | ||
| Some people like plenty of money. | ||
| Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Is it just a making friends thing? | ||
| Time in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lot of it. | |
| It's totally a lot of it. | ||
| Because there's a few people, and we know who they are, and we won't have to say any names here, but when they go on stage, it's like they're doing their best impression of a comedian. | ||
| I think that's everybody who starts comedy. | ||
| Sure, but these are like 10-year veterans. | ||
| They never lose that, like, let me do the impression. | ||
| Yeah, you know those where you work with them on the road somewhere, and you're like, what the fuck am I seeing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they trick somebody into hiring them somewhere. | ||
| I think there's enough comedians now that they don't ever have to do that anymore. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| There's plenty of us. | ||
| There's enough comedians. | ||
| There needs to be a network where people can find where the good ones are. | ||
| I sense a resurgence. | ||
| I think Comedy Club is coming back. | ||
| All this junk is helping a lot. | ||
| People get to know people way easier. | ||
| Yeah, podcasts help for sure. | ||
| They're like, oh, these comedians are a cool thing. | ||
| They're all sort of talking and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, having the podcast and having people come to the shows because of the podcast. | ||
| But I think even outside of the podcast, like Louis C.K., the situation where he's selling his things online, I think that gives a big resurgence to it, too. | ||
| People hear the story. | ||
| People are excited about it. | ||
| I just remember when the last Comic Standing started, the comedy store numbers went way up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just because everyone had remembered, like, oh yeah, comedy. | ||
| Comedy is fucking great, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so great. | |
| It's such a great night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As a fan, before I was ever a comedian, that was my favorite thing to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would never pay a lot extra for it on New Year's because I've seen it too much or anything like that. | ||
| It's just a good, fun date. | ||
| Yeah, especially if you... | ||
| People in town, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've gone on the road, and I have a couple of times, and I'm in town when someone I like is playing somewhere, and then I go see them, and I can actually sit and watch like a spectator. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking great. | |
| When I get high at the store, Sebastian is so goddamn funny. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's so fucking funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's just so fun to watch. | ||
| I was like, yeah, somebody made a date out of this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a cool art form, man. | ||
| I love watching it just as much as I love doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're lucky as shit, man. | ||
| I watched Ice Road Truckers the other day. | ||
| That's way harder. | ||
| It's way harder. | ||
| Imagine being an Ice Road Trucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Imagine that. | ||
| I know the worst job. | ||
| This is the worst job. | ||
| What's the worst job? | ||
| Tijuana hookers. | ||
| Used to cost $72. | ||
| And the breakdown was $60 for the girl, which she splits up with the pimp, however. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| $11 for the room. | ||
| And $1 for the cleanup guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's the worst job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| One dollar. | ||
| Clean up jizz spots and over and over and over again. | ||
| Not just jizz. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Tijuana, people just shitting all over everybody. | ||
| Everything's going on down there. | ||
| It's hot during the day. | ||
| They're still at full capacity in business. | ||
| It's really crazy how close that is to San Diego. | ||
| Everybody used to do that as their trip. | ||
| But could you imagine, man, being a person who lives in Tijuana and just knowing that San Diego's right there? | ||
| And right there, there's white people with $7 million houses on the beach and they're drinking margaritas and talking about their pedicure lady. | ||
| Gross border town. | ||
| You're in a house made out of cardboard. | ||
| It's just 20 minutes away. | ||
| You could drive to their house in 20 minutes. | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| How weird is it that there's a third world and the peak of the first world? | ||
| San Diego is a pretty goddamn nice city. | ||
| They have some rich neighborhoods there. | ||
| It's a beautiful place. | ||
| Yeah, there's one island. | ||
| I forget what the island is. | ||
| It's off of San Diego. | ||
| It's a very small and very exclusive island. | ||
| Where it's one of the richest pieces of real estate in the country. | ||
| That's where Donald Rumsfeld... | ||
| No, Catalina is off of this area. | ||
| It's like Santa Monica. | ||
| This one is off... | ||
| It's a small jump between this and... | ||
| I forget what it's called. | ||
| Super wealthy people. | ||
| Like, ridiculous, stupid fucking mansions. | ||
| You know, $20 million properties. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| And that's like a drive to Mexico, man. | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| And I guess, I don't know, I mean, I guess the Mexicans, if they wanted to, can get in a boat and just sneak up and get there really quick. | ||
| Just pull into their neighborhood with a boat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're coming to get you. | |
| For real, man. | ||
| You could be like hardcore Mexican, you know, gangbangers. | ||
| They have some castles there too, huh? | ||
| Hardcore Mexican drug dealers and just getting a boat. | ||
| Just get in a boat and figure out a way to just do it by cover of night. | ||
| They kill people. | ||
| They're going to rehab there. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| They're like, I said, don't get off the sauce. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Where? | ||
| To all the border towns. | ||
| I like how you said that, too. | ||
| Don't get off the sauce. | ||
| Like you're a 1940s movie bad guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| What the fuck was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't get off the sauce, see? | |
| You listen to me, see? | ||
| See? | ||
| Watching an old movie is like watching a movie from another country. | ||
| I've been watching the old movies lately. | ||
| I saw Billy Madison. | ||
| Not so old. | ||
| That's Billy Madison. | ||
| It's like 20 years ago. | ||
| We're talking about like Clark Gable type shit. | ||
| You're talking about Billy Madison. | ||
| I'm talking about watching some stuff from the 40s and 50s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I'm addicted to it. | ||
| It's a different language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love looking at that old shit. | |
| It's so weird. | ||
| What have you ever seen that's good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just watched How Green Is My Valley. | |
| That's a great one. | ||
| The one with Clark Gable, Gone With the Wind. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we talked about that, but it was just weird. | |
| It had slavery aspects and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's what was going down back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was something else I just watched the other day. | |
| Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? | ||
| No. | ||
| Elizabeth, what the fuck's her name? | ||
| The bitch who got married 100,000 times. | ||
| Liz Taylor. | ||
| Elizabeth Taylor. | ||
| Elizabeth Taylor when she was hot as fuck. | ||
| My god. | ||
| When she was young, my god that woman was hot. | ||
| That's why we still talk about her. | ||
| She was hot! | ||
| I don't know if she's alive. | ||
| I don't know, but she's getting older. | ||
| She's married a couple gay guys along the way. | ||
| It got weird for a while. | ||
| Poor lady. | ||
| When she was young, though, man. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| I mean, it falls apart for everybody, but I think for her, it was... | ||
| You used to have such a great saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you ever see the color purple? | |
| Everybody hits the wall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like in 800 billion years of development. | ||
| The wall is undefeated. | ||
| The wall is 6 billion and 0. No one's ever beaten the wall. | ||
| The wall's coming, bitch. | ||
| It's coming for you, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you ever see The Color Purple? | |
| Yes. | ||
| I think. | ||
| See the what? | ||
| The Color Purple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I might not have. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I've seen that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was really stunned and watched it. | |
| You're like, Oprah? | ||
| Oprah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was like really weird slavery, sexual slavery shit, and it was weird. | |
| Well, that was a big part of slavery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so weird. | |
| A big part of slavery was the master coming down and banging the slaves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Danny Glover. | |
| That was legit, man. | ||
| They used to have children with slaves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't watch it. | |
| Yeah, but that's what it was about. | ||
| I couldn't watch it. | ||
| It was just too creepy. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| I thought Color Purple was right after slavery. | ||
| You thought what was? | ||
| Color Purple? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Color Purple. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I didn't actually see it. | ||
| It's one of those that I always intend on seeing, but I never get around to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think it was super common for the slave owners to have sex with their slaves. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Benjamin Franklin, right? | ||
| Didn't he have a ton of grandkids that way? | ||
| I wonder how many of the male slaves had sex with the women. | ||
| Because that must have been going on too, where women were ignored and they got the male slaves to bang them. | ||
| God, the punishment for that was just clearly death. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Is it worth it? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if you're allowed to. | ||
| There must have been those stories of having, like, she gets pregnant and she goes, who did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it has to have happened. | ||
| Listen, man, as long as there's dudes slinging dick, there's chicks jumping on them. | ||
| As long as there have been black people, they have been attracted to white women. | ||
| Yep, and as long as there have been white women, they've been attracted to black dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, grow my weed and smoke my dick. | |
| To the slave. | ||
| That's what she would say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that's what you would say to your slave. | |
| Grow my weed and suck my dick. | ||
| Smoke my dick. | ||
| Okay, Brian. | ||
| Sometimes write these down and go over them and go, is this worth interjecting in there? | ||
| Grow my weed and smoke my dick. | ||
| And you're like, damn it, that wasn't good. | ||
| It all comes from a good place. | ||
| We have to remember that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're talking about... | |
| You guys were talking about slaves, right? | ||
| Fucking your slaves. | ||
| Yeah, I get you. | ||
| And I just said I wasn't doing a bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just... | |
| It's okay, buddy. | ||
| We're just trying to keep the conversation moving. | ||
| I'm not trying to be harsh. | ||
| I'm going to be in Minneapolis. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| At the end of... | ||
| Are you doing Acme? | ||
| Rick Brunson's House of Comedy. | ||
| Oh, what is that? | ||
| Is that a new place? | ||
| Yeah, he owns a place in Edmonton, too. | ||
| Man, I love Minneapolis, but I can't fade that fucking wintertime, son. | ||
| It's Mall of America. | ||
| I might never have to leave. | ||
| So you fly into the mall? | ||
| No, I won't have to go from the flight. | ||
| Somehow or another, you're going to be outside. | ||
| Yeah, that's the worst. | ||
| You're going to have to be in that tube. | ||
| Yeah, I hate it. | ||
| I hate the winter. | ||
| It's cold as fuck. | ||
| They're like, what do you got in February? | ||
| I'm like, what do you got in April? | ||
| It's cold as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets like zeros. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm going to, Thursday. | |
| And it's going to start snowing. | ||
| You go to Ohio. | ||
| Yeah, right now it's 50, but supposedly there's just like this sleet and freezing rain and snowstorm shit going the day I planned. | ||
| I hit freezing rain once in Ohio. | ||
| Did a 360 on the highway. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| With me and Chris McGuire. | ||
| 360? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Flipped all the way around? | ||
| Yep, all the way around. | ||
| Missed the guardrail, missed everything. | ||
| We just kept driving. | ||
| My dad used to have... | ||
| He was driving over the bridge. | ||
| You know how you go over bridges and bridges are the place where black ice forms? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because actually the wind coming over it freezes it. | ||
| So how about that? | ||
| A 360 on a bridge. | ||
| What'd you hit? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, spun around. | ||
| That must be God, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Word. | |
| Why isn't it God, Ari? | ||
| Maybe it is. | ||
| Maybe it's the secret. | ||
| Maybe you engineered it. | ||
| Blow in the ice and not make that go. | ||
| Maybe you engineered it so. | ||
| My dad used to have this giant Suburban, the old style Suburbans. | ||
| Oh, those are great. | ||
| He got like a second and third motor in it. | ||
| He just kept it going. | ||
| But he would see people start to skid in the snow and come at him like 10 miles an hour, just like that. | ||
| And he's just like, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pump it. | |
| He was like, let's just get some cash. | ||
| Yeah, he's just driving a tank. | ||
| And he'd be like, let's just do this off the books. | ||
| Oh, that's what he'd do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Never fix shit. | ||
| It's going to be about, looks like $800 in damage, right? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| And they would give him $800. | ||
| How many people hit him? | ||
| It happened like every other summer. | ||
| So what would he do? | ||
| Would he just go out when it's snowing and try to make some money? | ||
| He wouldn't try. | ||
| There's one stop. | ||
| We're in a university, and when you cut through university in Arcola, it would be like, it was just downhill. | ||
| And it was like people would start to go there, and they just couldn't stop. | ||
| It could cover snow. | ||
| And if you're at the bottom of the hill, they're coming right at you. | ||
| Nothing you can do. | ||
| I lived on a street that completely froze and became a hockey rink. | ||
| And me and my sister's boyfriend sat on the roof and we drank beers and watched cars crash. | ||
| Cars slide down the hill. | ||
| Yeah, that's my favorite video. | ||
| We called the cops. | ||
| We called the cops. | ||
| And told them it was dangerous? | ||
| Cops fucking did the same thing. | ||
| They did the same thing. | ||
| We saw the first car slide by the house. | ||
| And we're like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I go, dude, I think the street is ice now. | ||
| And so we opened up the door and looked, and it looked like ice. | ||
| I'm like, it looks wet, for sure. | ||
| And I got up to him, and I'm like, fuck, it's ice. | ||
| Just a sheet of ice. | ||
| The whole street, and we were on a hill, so the whole street is just a sheet of ice. | ||
| And one after another car just came down, and ba-boom! | ||
| Hit the curb, and one flying off into the fucking woods. | ||
| Went over and over and over, and this happened. | ||
| So we called the cops immediately. | ||
| So the cops came down, same thing. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| The cops bounce off the curb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| The cops slam into the other cars. | ||
| They just keep going. | ||
| Yeah, they were piling into each other. | ||
| And all the cars were parked on the side of the street. | ||
| Yeah, they were all stuck. | ||
| They were all stuck and jammed and fucked up. | ||
| Some of them were in little ditches, and some of them were in the woods where the bushes were and shit. | ||
| And they just kept coming. | ||
| Yeah, some people got through it. | ||
| Some people had some good skills. | ||
| Some people just slid with it and kind of like straightened out. | ||
| They managed to keep control. | ||
| Yeah, they managed to come down the hill not too crazy. | ||
| Oh, that makes it more exciting. | ||
| You never know what's going to happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think the people that really fucked up, they fucked up because they came down the hill like they were driving. | ||
| They wanted to drive. | ||
| Yeah, and then all of a sudden, oh, fuck. | ||
| So if you're going 40, 50 miles an hour, whatever the hell you were, and then you hit that ice, that's it, bitch. | ||
| You should have taken bets on what the next car is going to do. | ||
| It makes you think, man, fuck living anywhere where it's that cold. | ||
| We were talking about this before the show, that there's an icebound fuel tanker in Alaska. | ||
| It's stuck. | ||
| That was before the show? | ||
| The ocean, yeah. | ||
| The ocean's frozen around this fucking boat. | ||
| And so they got to send a Coast Guard ice cutter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So the ice cutter is breaking the ice around this Russian tanker. | ||
| This Russian tanker is just stuck there in a gigantic skating rink that's the ocean. | ||
| And it's just creeping around, pressing against the hull. | ||
| Could you imagine the trillions of pounds of ice? | ||
| You would hear that sound. | ||
| It would be so scary. | ||
| Oh my god, and you're thinking it's gonna pop. | ||
| The whole thing's gonna pop, and I'm gonna die. | ||
| I'm gonna die right here on the top of this fucking frozen bullshit. | ||
| There was an X-Files episode from Frozen Tanker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they got frozen in, and then some virus was out, too, to kill them. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
| They were turning old. | ||
| At a super quick rate. | ||
| Oh, with the virus? | ||
| That's what it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they had to drink regular water. | ||
| The only water they had was infected. | ||
| And so it would make them turn old and they couldn't get any water. | ||
| They were frozen in. | ||
| So what did they do? | ||
| They got rescued right before they died of old age and they got sent back to their regular age. | ||
| Oh, they get sent back to the regular age. | ||
| How convenient. | ||
| Yeah, well, they fed him regular water. | ||
| Oh, that's all it took? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, we just need to get him saline. | ||
| We can reverse this. | ||
| Fucking stupid plot. | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
| How dare you, whoever you are. | ||
| That was at the end of the X-Files when they were basically just phoning in. | ||
| I'm trying to think when that was. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, it was like this isn't... | ||
| They were out there, though, to find something. | ||
| I don't know why they were out there. | ||
| There comes a time when some people just phone it in. | ||
| A certain amount of seasons have lost. | ||
| We're done trying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why athletes always post-date their giant contracts. | ||
| Because they're like, I might get another contract. | ||
| I'm done working. | ||
| And I'm going to make $30 million. | ||
| What do you mean by post-date? | ||
| They get more money as the contract goes. | ||
| A 10-year contract. | ||
| So you're making three times as much in the 10th year as you are in the first year. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's when you're going to be way worse. | ||
| Sure, unless you're some crazy person that's completely dedicated to always being the best ever. | ||
| How bad did Michael Jordan fall off before he quit? | ||
| He didn't. | ||
| He didn't. | ||
| Did he quit the first time? | ||
| He was MVP level. | ||
| No, not when he quit to play baseball. | ||
| When he quit, quit. | ||
| Quit, quit. | ||
| When he came back, he wasn't quite as good... | ||
| Yeah, he came back after that. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, he was bad. | ||
| Then he said he really hurt the Wizards, the Bullets. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because everyone would sort of stand around and watch him. | ||
| It was Jordan's time. | ||
| So everyone else got worse. | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| So they got to give him the ball so much. | ||
| Yeah, like Jerry Stackhouse and people had to like watch him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like he's got to be our first option. | ||
| I used to be, now I'm the second, so I guess I'm just not as into it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| It really hurt the Wizards. | ||
| Because they could have gotten a one or two pick, but instead he just came. | ||
| So they ended up getting that eight or nine pick. | ||
| So how long did he play with them for? | ||
| I think a year, maybe two. | ||
| So that was it. | ||
| He took off the time for baseball. | ||
| Like one year did he take for baseball? | ||
| Maybe two. | ||
| Maybe one. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I wonder what that was about. | ||
| He wanted to be like, well, my dad's on my last game. | ||
| His dad got murdered. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember, by the side of the road in North Carolina. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he was going to buy the fucking Hornets when they were still in Charlotte, but the owner got super Jewy and Grady about it, and he was like, if you buy it, it'll be worth more, so I want more money. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A Michael Jordan-owned franchise would be worth more, so you've got to pay more than this place is worth. | ||
| What kind of ridiculous fucking logic is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Then he lost it. | ||
| People are funny that way. | ||
| You hear some ridiculous claims that people want things sometimes. | ||
| It just makes you go, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a pretty ridiculous one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's it worth? | ||
| He brings that money to anyone then. | ||
| Some people are just unreasonable cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see David Cross on Conan O'Brien last night? | |
| No. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is David Cross Jewish? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was hilarious, man. | |
| He was promoting one of the movies he did was Chipmunks 2. But he's a pretty out there atheist though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was promoting Chipmunks 2 and he was just like bashing it. | ||
| Like, don't fucking go see this movie. | ||
| And one of the producers, like calling out a producer, even called her out as being a female. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't even say her name. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, you know, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| He just went off. | ||
| And then he started saying, you know what? | ||
| She has all the qualities of why people... | ||
| When they say they hate Jewish people or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so uncomfortable. | |
| And even Conan, you could tell they edited something right out of there because it was one of those weird cuts where it's like, oh, let's talk about this other show. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was weird. | |
| I think you can watch it probably on whatever. | ||
| David Cross does not strike me as an angry guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was upset. | |
| I just ran into him at the airport the other day. | ||
| He was super pleasant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no. | |
| He just seemed like he was pissed off at somebody. | ||
| No, but that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying if someone got him that riled up, that he would be angry on Conan about it. | ||
| He was just doing it to separate himself from the fact that he's doing Chipmunks 2. Chipmunks 2, chipwrecked. | ||
| When he used to like... | ||
| Mock all movies like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's what he's doing? | ||
| He said even the movie is a giant commercial for whatever that boat company is that they used in the movie. | ||
| Boat company? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's one of the cruise ships? | |
| Yeah, it's like one of the cruise ships. | ||
| He's like, it's just a big fucking commercial for them anyways. | ||
| And he just started going off on the movie to that point where he's saying the movie is just bullshit and it's just a commercial. | ||
| Well, is that much worse than the first Chipmunks that he also did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was beautiful. | |
| It was so much worse that he couldn't see it coming from the first one. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| He chose to take the money but just like shit on it afterwards. | ||
| Well, if it's funny, is he shitting on it and being funny? | ||
| Is he just joking around? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Call it up. | ||
| I'm sure it's there. | ||
| Yeah, if it was on last night, I'm sure it's there. | ||
| I read a thing on his website where he had to defend himself when he was doing it the first time. | ||
| That all these hipsters were angry at him for doing the Chipmunks movie. | ||
| And Men in Black, they were mad at him for that. | ||
| Yeah, he had to defend himself. | ||
| Who do you care? | ||
| He's doing a little kids movie. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| That whole scene used to shit on Tim Allen for doing the Santa Claus. | ||
| It's a fucking kids movie. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| The whole scene is a bunch of bullies who were picked on when they were younger and they became bullies. | ||
| I shouldn't say the whole scene. | ||
| It's not the whole scene. | ||
| That alternative scene. | ||
| It's part of the alternative scene is the pointing fingers at people and talking down about people and the shitting on people. | ||
| You know, look, there's a lot of people that are nice people, and I don't like their acts. | ||
| But they're nice, and I like seeing them. | ||
| There's a lot of people that I like seeing. | ||
| Name seven. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I can name a few, but I wouldn't do it on the air. | ||
| There wouldn't be seven, but there might be four, there might be five. | ||
| No, there's plenty of people you don't like. | ||
| There's a lot of people that... | ||
| There's a lot of those people you don't like at all. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's annoying people. | ||
| But the point is, there's a certain in and it club, being a part of it, that scene, the alternative scene. | ||
| It's a very judgmental and sort of like a bitchy little scene. | ||
| I don't want to generalize completely, but the idea that I always got was that they were like the dorks in high school. | ||
| Yeah, and now they're powerful. | ||
| And now they're powerful. | ||
| They took the power. | ||
| But they're turning on other people the same way people turned on them in high school. | ||
| Yeah, it's not as bad as that now. | ||
| It's kind of way better. | ||
| But yeah, it seemed like a totally good thing. | ||
| There was a vibe of that. | ||
| Bert Kreischer told me a horrible story once about a bunch of alternative guys being mean to him. | ||
| And I was like, you know what? | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| When you see someone that you know... | ||
| It's just homerism. | ||
| It's just like our thing. | ||
| It's just like saying Brooklyn's the best or Stockton's the best. | ||
| It's clearly not. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a... | ||
| But it's just like saying our thing is the people we haven't run into are the best comics in the world. | ||
| And it's like, not other people that you randomly didn't run into? | ||
| I think it's also a thing where people want confirmation that they're on the right track. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| And the best way to do that is to shit on people who are on a different track. | ||
| So you gotta make your team the most powerful team. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what is that, man? | ||
| People want you to be on their fucking... | ||
| your cell phone provider. | ||
| You have to get mad if you're not. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You still with AT&T, bro? | ||
| I thought you were smarter than that. | ||
| I thought you were smarter than that. | ||
| Because you want to be 100% right in all your choices. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| And just like, no, in my neighborhood, Verizon's not good. | ||
| In yours, it is. | ||
| It's really like a religious thing, too. | ||
| It's all the same shit. | ||
| We're fucked. | ||
| We're stupid. | ||
| We're a stupid monkey. | ||
| We're not supposed to have this kind of power, Shafir. | ||
| That's the real issue. | ||
| We're still supposed to be figuring out consciousness. | ||
| We're not supposed to be working on nuclear bombs at this stage. | ||
| We're way ahead of ourselves, technologically. | ||
| Right, Brian? | ||
| What are you looking at, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to get this clip for you. | |
| There's been the silence attack. | ||
| You're watching something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to watch fucking commercials. | |
| Yeah, that's just how it goes now. | ||
| You can't watch a YouTube clip anymore. | ||
| You gotta watch some 30 seconds of bullshit first. | ||
| Very, very annoying. | ||
| Yeah, goddammit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this is five minutes. | |
| This was five minutes of commercials. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's on Team Coco's website. | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You have five minutes of commercials before you can watch the clip? | ||
| No, no, you get to watch the first 20 minutes or something like that, and then they make you watch a five-minute commercial break. | ||
| So they do it just like it's TV. Regular TV. Wow. | ||
| There's no YouTube clips of that? | ||
| Or Hulu? | ||
| Well, I just have a feeling that the ones I will find will cut off before... | ||
| At least this is some sort of an alternative for them to be able to advertise on videos and promote these videos getting out there. | ||
| All you have to do is watch some 30 seconds clip here or there. | ||
| They do it on South Park Studios, too, in between breaks. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Like, every once in a while they play a 30-second commercial. | ||
| Not much, though. | ||
| And they have the kids cursing, so it's way better. | ||
| So, Brian, did you find it online, anywhere other than the Team Coco website? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I heard that that show was not doing very well, ratings-wise. | ||
| Oh yeah, everyone's saying that. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| People loved Conan O'Brien when he was on NBC in that time slot, and for whatever reason, why can't they follow him? | ||
| Why isn't it the same amount of people following him? | ||
| I guess you can DVR it, but I feel like those people were... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People liked liking him. | ||
| They liked the idea of liking Conan. | ||
| But they didn't really watch when he was on earlier. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, they didn't watch. | ||
| You can blame it on the lead-in all you want, but those people weren't watching. | ||
| All my friends are like, that's way better. | ||
| I'm like, when's the last time you watched it? | ||
| Well, it is a weird thing that they had when they did that Jay Leno thing, when they had the Jay Leno show at 10, then they had the Tonight Show at 11. That was wonky. | ||
| That was a silly idea. | ||
| Got everybody talking about it. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, so it doesn't, it doesn't, it's just in your professionally worst thing that ever happened to you. | |
| Yeah, it was a miserable experience because of... | ||
| He's talking about being in the movie, Chipmunks 2. I was forced, at legal point, to spend a week on a cruise ship. | ||
| And I know you and your family love going on cruises. | ||
| That's all we do. | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| So I'm not trying to... | ||
| I've never been on a cruise in my life. | ||
| No, Conan, stop it. | ||
| It's me. | ||
| No. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yes, let's just say I love going on cruises. | ||
| You go on the Disney fun time cruise and, you know... | ||
| So far it sounds fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, how could they legally... | |
| Why would they legally want to make you be on a cruise ship? | ||
| Explain that to me. | ||
| I don't know! | ||
| I don't know! | ||
| It was terrible! | ||
| There was no reason for me to be there, if you see the movie and don't. | ||
| It was... | ||
| And, I mean, first of all, Chipwrecked. | ||
| It's a pun. | ||
| You know, kids, five-year-olds love puns. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| They love wordplay. | ||
| And it's a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. | ||
| The entire movie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they thought, won't it be fun to get David on there? | ||
| And the scenes on... | ||
| That take place on the cruise ship. | ||
| I am always in a pelican mascot foam rubber outfit where you cannot see any of my flesh nor do I have any dialogue. | ||
| Well, wait, if that's the case, I'm sure you said to them, get a stand-in, get someone else to be in the foam-rubber costume, and take them away on a cruise for a week. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I tried that line of logic and reason, but there was one producer who... | ||
| Everybody else had my back, and the director was like, oh, we don't... | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| We don't need him. | ||
| And I'm in the middle of Todd Margaret, too. | ||
| I was in London, and... | ||
| And they're like, no, you have to go... | ||
| Or it's more like... | ||
| And there's this one producer, and I won't say... | ||
| But she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews. | ||
| So... | ||
| To give you... | ||
| You know when people conjure up... | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Let's talk about your show, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd. | ||
| Margaret, very funny show. | ||
| I'm sure you enjoy it. | ||
| And then there was a cut where even Conan's arm moved a little bit. | ||
| I didn't see the cut, but I definitely saw him pretty uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to see the cut? | |
| No, I don't care. | ||
| Yeah, wow, that was strong words. | ||
| But I wonder if he's really good friends with a girl and he's just fucking around. | ||
| It could be that he was good friends with her and that was just a joke. | ||
| Bashing a movie that just was released that that person's producing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I doubt it. | |
| Was he bashing the movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he said don't see the movie. | |
| And then he said it's just a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, did they make him do the movie? | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Was he contractually obligated to do the second film? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I think he was just pissed about being on that boat for a week. | ||
| Yeah, that was the bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| It didn't offend me. | ||
| It didn't seem that bad at all. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, the movie is what the movie is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He made a joke. | |
| He made a joke. | ||
| Like, don't say it. | ||
| It's for five-year-olds. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking comic. | ||
| It's not for him. | ||
| He did a job, and it's not his gig, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying it was funny. | |
| Yeah, no, it was. | ||
| Well, he's funny. | ||
| David Cross is fucking hilarious. | ||
| But, yeah, it probably sucks to be him and be one of those movies and take all that hipster shit. | ||
| Those hipsters are probably, like, super mad at him. | ||
| They were. | ||
| Dude, you fucking totally sold out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
See that Patton Huzzle thing with that restaurant show? | |
| No. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, you gotta look at it. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| He went off on a heckler and then somebody, like, to where, I don't know, it got weird and some comic that was there wrote about it just saying how it was so fucking weird. | ||
| Oh, I did hear about that. | ||
| He was trying out some new material and someone was filming him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and he asked the lady to stop filming him because he didn't want it to get on the internet, which is, you know, valid, especially because he was doing a free show. | ||
| Yeah, but just the bashing afterwards. | ||
| He bashed people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Just calling her fat and ugly. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So, you know, it got uncomfortable, which is fine. | ||
| How bad was it? | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| No, my friend did. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, it was super uncomfortable. | ||
| He just, you know, you've got, you've done it before where it's like, ah, I went too harsh on this girl. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We're not 100%. | ||
| We're guessing, like, where's the line right now? | ||
| Well, not only that, you could be angry and lose your composure a little. | ||
| Yeah, you could have no sleep, or your girlfriend could just say something that makes you fucking mad at women. | ||
| Or it could be just the seventh day in a row where you've been heckled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can't get through your shit. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Was it just a woman holding up the camera, or was it someone heckling? | ||
| It was just one girl, and she just had her thing. | ||
| She said, sorry, I'll delete it. | ||
| And he's saying what she didn't see was her... | ||
| You have to look at it. | ||
| What she's saying, he responded to this comic. | ||
| girl uh-huh because but you didn't see us when i asked her shut it off her roller eyes and and mouth asshole to her friends well you know i i see his point of view but i see her but he was there and she goes yeah i saw her do that that was after he was ripping into her like after she said i'm so sorry i'll turn it off well who knows We're just commenting. | ||
| You have to be there. | ||
| I was talking about it last night. | ||
| Why are some people not able to just say, oh yeah, that wasn't the best? | ||
| Well, some people never want to be wrong. | ||
| Some people are really young, too. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Well, it could be. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| We'd have to hear him talk about it. | ||
| He might say something completely different. | ||
| Yeah, we would have to actually see a video to fucking tell the truth, really. | ||
| To be able to decipher for ourselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Eh, I don't really kind of get into it. | ||
| You don't care? | ||
| No, don't care at all. | ||
| Did you see what happened with Stanhope? | ||
| What? | ||
| The kid stole his shit and was like literally verbatim putting Stanhope bits on his blog. | ||
| Really? | ||
| As if he's this fucking, you know. | ||
| Just staying in front of like a camera? | ||
| No, wrote it. | ||
| Written little articles in his blog entries. | ||
| What did Stanhope do? | ||
| Oh my god, Stanhope went after him with the power of Thor. | ||
| Stanhope went onto his Facebook page and posted in every photo on his Facebook page, you're a fraud, you know, like little jokes about him being a fraud. | ||
| Stanhope put it up on Twitter, so of course the swarms of human beings who went to this guy's website, and the guy had comments up on his website, and his comments were just Filled with people saying, you're ripping off Doug Stanhope, you fucking hack, you this, you that, and just torturing this poor guy. | ||
| And Stanhope did it for hours. | ||
| For hours, he just had people just fucking just going after this poor fuck. | ||
| And the guy apparently is a comic. | ||
| You know, he just tries to be Mr. Cool Guy. | ||
| He's a comic too? | ||
| Yeah, he tried to be Mr. Cool Guy and steal Doug Stanhope's material and pass it off as his own. | ||
| So he's just getting tortured? | ||
| Oh my god, he's done. | ||
| He had to pull his Facebook. | ||
| The next day, his Facebook and his blog were both down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's screenshots of it all, and there's a Facebook page all about it. | |
| I forget the name of the Facebook page where it shows what Stan Hope wrote on each photo. | ||
| Yeah, Stanhope wrote some funny shit about his dad. | ||
| I wonder how sad his father would be if he knew his son was a fraud. | ||
| Stanhope just kept going after the guy. | ||
| But the guy is so retarded. | ||
| The way he did it was so dumb. | ||
| He just copied a famous comedian's work. | ||
| That's what you're going to do? | ||
| You want to come off as a guy who... | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, did you think that somehow or another no one would... | ||
| Yeah, I guess you thought it'd be okay. | ||
| It's okay because people were reading it instead of hearing it? | ||
| I used to play drugs all the time in college. | ||
| Did you just pass grades? | ||
| Yeah, just to pass. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to do this work. | ||
| I'll just copy someone else's work. | ||
| They can't do that anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because if you have a file, there's programs now that they can run that file through and it'll recognize plagiarism. | ||
| But I wasn't trying to say, like, I didn't want any recognition for what I've done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You just wanted to get out of your situation. | ||
| You just forced into a bad spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's software now to just... | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, the software, online software, where you can find duplicates of your work online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| I didn't know teachers had that. | ||
| Yeah, oh, you're fucked now. | ||
| My buddy John Wilber, my brother-in-law now, I guess, actually, my brother-in-law's brother, but he copied word for word out of CliffsNotes one day, and the teacher was like, you copied this from CliffsNotes? | ||
| The same exact paragraph. | ||
| There's not a word changed. | ||
| And he just stuck to his story. | ||
| He was like, nope. | ||
| Sure didn't. | ||
| No, I made that up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She goes, this entire paragraph, there's not a word changed. | ||
| Well, you know, if he's that confident, she can't hang. | ||
| What kind of a teacher is that? | ||
| It was one of the non-Jewers teachers we bust in. | ||
| Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers, like they couldn't hang? | ||
| I think eventually she was like, ugh, fine, whatever. | ||
| Was it like they couldn't deal with the Jewish men? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Probably like, look at this brat. | ||
| He refused to admit it. | ||
| Fine, I don't give a shit. | ||
| Then fucking copy for the rest of your life. | ||
| But the Jewish teachers would come down on you for shit like that? | ||
| Is that why you said non-Jewish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the non-Jewish teachers were easier? | ||
| More than non-Jewish ones we just didn't respect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they just didn't have our... | ||
| How come? | ||
| We could run over them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was thinking about this lately. | ||
| There were some teachers, you all agreed... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| with rabbit crack hour. | ||
| Yeah, what is that, man? | ||
| What is it that some kids just like certain teachers and everybody gets along great? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It might be like hidden, like nonverbal cues you're giving out or, you know, I have no idea. | ||
| There's weak teachers and there's strong teachers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They all have the same curriculum to teach. | ||
| What? | ||
| That has got to be the biggest fucking problem with this country. | ||
| It's got to be the biggest problem is how kids go to school. | ||
| The education system. | ||
| Coming out of it with your fucking head together. | ||
| Trying to decipher all the nonsense. | ||
| Stupidity and fucking programming. | ||
| And the idea that no one ever gets pushed into our field. | ||
| No one ever says, you know what, Ari, you're always cracking jokes in class. | ||
| You're a funny guy. | ||
| You obviously need attention. | ||
| Have you thought about going to an open mic night? | ||
| No one's ever said that to you. | ||
| Have you thought about maybe being a stand-up comedian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you have to get some job somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, you have to. | ||
| Get some job, stupid. | ||
| Even when you were doing it for a little while, they're still like, come on, how much longer? | ||
| The preparation for a shit existence. | ||
| That's the worst part about it, man. | ||
| The worst part about it is it kind of breaks your soul. | ||
| When you go through shit-boring classes in school, it breaks your soul for the idea that you're... | ||
| It prepares you for the idea that you're always going to have to do this. | ||
| I had a teacher. | ||
| He taught Modern American Lit. | ||
| And his deal was this. | ||
| He goes, you will never have to know anything about what Joseph Conrad wrote. | ||
| What you are learning here with the Bachelor of Arts is how to get reports done on time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Because that's it. | ||
| That's all you're learning. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| You're not going to have to apply any of this. | ||
| Fitzgerald, when is that going to come in your regular life? | ||
| Never. | ||
| But you're going to have to learn. | ||
| When I say 9 o'clock on Tuesday, I have it on my desk. | ||
| That's all they're preparing you for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I think he's right in a really large degree. | ||
| Yeah, he is right, for sure. | ||
| I mean, that is what ultimately it is. | ||
| That's what's getting measured, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you can't measure how much you're learning. | ||
| You measure how well you're doing on tests and how much effort you're putting into your paper. | ||
| Why are there measurements? | ||
| I think people are lazy as fuck. | ||
| We want to make sure you're doing your work. | ||
| Not only that, it's not just about educating people. | ||
| It's about educating people and preparing them for work. | ||
| Because that's really what it's all about. | ||
| There's a certain amount of discipline that you're just not going to have. | ||
| How would you be able to get a creative kid to nurture him from the start? | ||
| Fucking hard, man. | ||
| I mean, they know they have art, right? | ||
| We've boxed ourselves into a bad situation as a species, as a race, as a civilization, because we need a lot of people doing shit that sucks. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's not like, as a child, you're groomed into a world of happiness and prosperity and fulfillment. | ||
| No, there's a maze and there's a fucking million pitfalls and a million jobs that you can get into that are not going to be satisfying to you. | ||
| You have to figure your way through those. | ||
| We need people. | ||
| We need someone. | ||
| We're machines. | ||
| You ever meet somebody and when you try to explain to them why they're wrong or misguided, you realize you're so stupid, I have to rethink how I'm going to express this to you? | ||
| Well, some people just don't have enough information in their head. | ||
| Their view of the world is very limited. | ||
| I've met very few stupid people. | ||
| I shouldn't say I've met very few. | ||
| I've met a lot. | ||
| Uninspired people. | ||
| But more people are uninspired than are stupid. | ||
| There's definitely stupid people, though. | ||
| It must be like explaining stuff to your kid. | ||
| No, because kids get things, man. | ||
| Kids get things pretty quick. | ||
| And they don't have any refusal to get anything. | ||
| No, kids get things and they bring it up the next day. | ||
| They have questions about it the next day. | ||
| They're pondering an idea. | ||
| The kid, it's not, yeah, they don't have any prior programming that you have to fuck with. | ||
| The real problem is a person who grew their whole life and their mind developed in some ridiculous way. | ||
| Yeah, and just stuck in that way. | ||
| You know, like you get some poor guy who's a fucking fundamentalist Christian, one of those crazy speaking in tongues guys. | ||
| You know, and at 40 years old, he's just starting to branch out on his own and escape his former. | ||
| I mean, what are the guys lost? | ||
| Yeah, what are his chances? | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Being able to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good luck. | |
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, but if you got that guy when he was a baby and brought him up in a reasonable household where people were logical and loving and kind of like gave him sort of a helpful boost, but let him know, hey man, this is a crazy world and nobody understands it. | ||
| Stick close to the people you love and enjoy yourself if you can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is what they say with autistic kids. | ||
| The earlier you get them, the more normalized you can make them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you've got to get them before they set in patterns. | ||
| There's something to do with autistic kids and whatever it is that's causing that. | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| I mean, it's a very unpopular opinion, but there has to be something to do with autistic kids and the next stage of human evolution. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| Because there's so many people that are savants, so many people that have autism or... | ||
| So that'll lead to a jump in development or something? | ||
| I think what they're experiencing, what these people are experiencing for whatever reason because of their disease, and not all of them can do this, but the few that can, there's so many of them. | ||
| There's so many super genius autistic kids... | ||
| I mean, there's a million videos. | ||
| You can look at them. | ||
| I'm exaggerating, obviously. | ||
| But there's a lot of videos. | ||
| You can go online. | ||
| There's the one kid that we talked about that can look out the window of a plane and draw the exact scene perfectly. | ||
| I mean, he can just memorize things. | ||
| There's people that can do very, very complex mathematics at a really young age. | ||
| There's a kid that's, he's got something, like Asperger's or something, and he's this incredible composer. | ||
| He's composed like five symphonies, and he's like 11 years old or something nuts like that. | ||
| There's this guy's ass burgers that hangs out at the store, and all he does is make it socially uncomfortable for everyone. | ||
| Well, maybe no one ever put a fucking pair of drumsticks in that kid's hand. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe you get that motherfucker on a drumstick. | ||
| But when you see something that's hyperhuman, and it's also attached to a disease. | ||
| It's like when you develop webbing in Waterworld. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Between your toes and shits and moving forward. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I wonder what it is, but when you see people capable of incredible feats, and they also have this incredible emotional and psychological impairment, you know, this inability to communicate and connect with people, or whatever it is that they have, whatever. | ||
| You know, personal kink they have, but to also have this superpower. | ||
| It's amazing, man. | ||
| It's amazing when you watch those shows, like whenever they have an A&E show or something, when they feature a bunch of people who can do ridiculous shit. | ||
| There's some people that literally are another thing. | ||
| They have a little bit of the new thing in them. | ||
| And I wonder how many more of them we have now than just a hundred years ago. | ||
| You know, I wonder how many more people are born. | ||
| I mean, there's obviously like super geniuses always. | ||
| There's always been guys like Tesla, you know, and Stephen Hawking and dudes of that nature. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most people did so many years ago. | ||
| I mean, it fucked him up. | ||
| It's not like he came out feeling fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, like, he's still alive. | ||
| He's alive and making computations with his fingers. | ||
| Why is he doing that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| God, when I heard about Patrice not being able to talk before he went, it was like, oh, that's it. | ||
| That's who he is. | ||
| That's everything I know about him. | ||
| It revolves around his mouth. | ||
| Yeah, that's horrible. | ||
| This guy's figured out a way to do something. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Keep it going. | ||
| To keep it going. | ||
| You ever seen his fingers move? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He moves and he clicks on this thing and he can kind of move and chooses words from the screen. | ||
| It's really amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| Have he invented all that junk for himself? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Still amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I wonder what keeps a dude like that moving on because there has to be some form of enjoyment for him as well. | ||
| He must be enjoying his science career. | ||
| One of your clear biological imperatives is to continue life. | ||
| So he has to have some reason to do that. | ||
| Stay alive. | ||
| He must get fulfillment out of it. | ||
| Finding out new shit or writing a book. | ||
| Just like anybody. | ||
| What a strange situation, man, to be trapped in your body like that and doing computations with your fingers on this thing. | ||
| Click, click, click. | ||
| Click, click, click, click, click. | ||
| Whose phone is next to the computer? | ||
| Because the thing keeps going. | ||
| Is that your phone, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mine's way over here. | |
| Yeah, next to your computer, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not the computer, though. | |
| It has nothing to do with the sound. | ||
| You sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, doesn't sound come through that computer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's completely muted. | |
| It's completely muted. | ||
| I don't think it has to do with the mute. | ||
| I think it's the electricity. | ||
| Oh yeah, the electricity. | ||
| It does that in radio sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, it's not the matter of the computer being muted. | ||
| It is because you have the phone next to the computer. | ||
| It's like picking up a signal. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a mute thing. | ||
| It's not like it's coming through like a sound. | ||
| I say that when you're shooting sometimes. | ||
| They're like, turn your phones off. | ||
| Not on mute, off. | ||
| We're getting feedback. | ||
| Yeah, it goes... | ||
| It'll do it in your car sometimes, too. | ||
| If you leave it right near your stereo, if you have a hole underneath your stereo for where your CDs go or something, leave it there. | ||
| It's real close. | ||
| It'll find through. | ||
| How fucked is that, man? | ||
| How fucked is this some signal that's having a war inside your car? | ||
| They're battling for dominance. | ||
| And meanwhile, these are all bouncing around inside you. | ||
| That's the reason they tell you to turn your phones off on the plane. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| And if everyone's doing that, it could really come through. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Phones make sense. | ||
| Or what doesn't make sense? | ||
| Like iPods. | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| That seems silly. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I think it's an exercise in getting people to pay attention to rules. | ||
| It's just like moving your seat back forward. | ||
| A lot of people think that. | ||
| It's just to get you ready for the... | ||
| Otherwise, how do three older women control an entire plane full of people? | ||
| It's like, listen, I want to fall asleep now. | ||
| I don't want to turn it back on. | ||
| I'm going to listen to music the whole time. | ||
| Can I just fall asleep with it in? | ||
| Can't. | ||
| You're going to kill us all. | ||
| I got caught once. | ||
| Wasn't it that easy to kill people if all you had to do was keep an iPod on and the plane would fall out of the fucking sky? | ||
| It's one of the Holtzman's old jokes. | ||
| That's what happened to the space shuttle. | ||
| Oh, is that what you see? | ||
| Some Jewish couple in the back had the tray table down for the kosher meal and now you can't take off with the kosher meal tray down. | ||
| It's a weird thing that you could actually even tell people that if you had your phone on it could be in danger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fix that! | ||
| Yeah, get it done. | ||
| You know those A380s? | ||
| There was an article today. | ||
| I think I retweeted it. | ||
| Those A380s are showing cracks on the wings. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those ones were built how long ago? | ||
| Yeah, I'll tell you right now. | ||
| Well, apparently one of them was a Qantas jet and two other ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was on a Qantas jet once. | |
| Were you? | ||
| Yeah, with you. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, we were. | ||
| Yeah, world's biggest super jumbo jets must be grounded, say engineers, after cracks are found in the wings of three Airbus A380s. | ||
| Cracks are some of the worst things you can find in the wings. | ||
| Yeah, I would say. | ||
| Two Singapore Air super jumbos and one Qantas. | ||
| Both airlines admit the cracks but say the planes are safe. | ||
| What? | ||
| This is our quote. | ||
| Bro, relax. | ||
| Are you out of your mind? | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Those are huge fucking planes. | ||
| When Ari and I flew in it, it's like flying in a giant apartment building. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| We sat in the front and there was a second floor. | ||
| We could go upstairs to the bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So there's actually a bar that you can sit at? | |
| Yeah, there was a bar. | ||
| There was a bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| Yeah, there was a bar and they had magazines out and shit and they would just serve you food or drink, whatever you wanted the entire time you were there. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| The thing that you get in first class is like an apartment. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
| It spins. | ||
| Your seat spins. | ||
| Like, it goes straight if you want to lie down, or you turn it sideways and it can be like a lazy boy, and then you have this big-ass flat-screen TV in front of you. | ||
| I mean, it's ridiculous. | ||
| And the food is really fucking good. | ||
| It's like, most airline food sucks, but like... | ||
| Like, Qantas, first class, fucking good meals, man. | ||
| It's yummy food, and you're 30,000 feet above the ocean, hurling through the sky in a metal tube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It ain't like Southwest, though. | |
| The tasting menu, the eight-course tasting menu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they had. | ||
| It was so delicious. | ||
| Fucking great, man. | ||
| You get pajamas. | ||
| Yeah, you get pajamas and toothpaste and shit. | ||
| I jerked off on the plane. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's what you gotta do, because the pot is not completely enclosed. | ||
| So if any rich people are listening... | ||
| You don't turn your body away from the opening. | ||
| You have to turn towards it because you're always worried like somebody might be coming up. | ||
| So you turn so you can see him come through the netting. | ||
| Right, because they could see you down there beating off if you were beaten off to the right. | ||
| Yeah, but I put my head by where my dick would be, and I looked at the lady behind me, like, who could get an angle at it? | ||
| She was asleep. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I was like, okay. | ||
| How much time do you think you took? | ||
| Probably, it was probably a little longer. | ||
| Probably like two full minutes. | ||
| Two full minutes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were you furious, or were you just gentle? | ||
| No, no, that's why. | ||
| Yeah, real gentle, but... | ||
| Base up on the left hand and jerk it with the right. | ||
| That's what you were doing? | ||
| Yeah, because I was on the right side of the plane. | ||
| That's probably good for your core as well. | ||
| Support yourself in that way? | ||
| Well, just so you don't fall over. | ||
| And then would you shoot it into your pajama tops? | ||
| No. | ||
| I shot it into the slipper socks they give you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I turned one of those inside out and shot it into it. | ||
| And then I was forced like a peasant to use my regular socks. | ||
| I was on a plane once with Melanie Griffith. | ||
| We were flying to England. | ||
| She was sitting right in front of me. | ||
| And there was a dude who was right beside her. | ||
| And you know how when planes in the first class cabins, their seats don't line up. | ||
| Like everyone's not head to toe. | ||
| They're kind of staggered because they're these big ass pods. | ||
| Well, the way it was staggered was Melanie Griffith's head lined up directly with this fat guy's ass. | ||
| It was right across the aisle, no more than a couple feet away, her head directly lined up with his ass. | ||
| And he unloaded. | ||
| This dude unloaded in the middle of the flight in one of the most horrific Tate-like farts. | ||
| Our friend Tate Fletcher is known for having the most ferocious farts because Tate's a big giant dude and he takes a lot of protein powder. | ||
| And when you eat a lot of protein, like your body... | ||
|
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Get rid of it. | |
| Get rid of a lot of that. | ||
| He's not going to process that extra shit well and it turns into farts. | ||
| And this dude just, I mean, I don't know what he ate, but he was a big guy. | ||
| And by the way, I don't even know if it was his fart because it's not like I have a fucking locator. | ||
| But if you're on a plane and there's a fart and you see a fat guy, that guy gets blamed. | ||
| He gets blamed. | ||
| And his ass is lying. | ||
| Yeah, it's more than like black kids get blamed for stolen things. | ||
| Fat people get blamed for farts on planes, always. | ||
| Like, that's like the first person you look to. | ||
| Like, fuck yeah, it was him. | ||
| And the way it lined up was just his ass was just right across from her face. | ||
| It was horrific, man. | ||
| I mean, it was a nightmare fart. | ||
| And, I mean, what are the odds in life that you would ever have your face or Melanie Griffith's face that close to your ass that you could unload on her face like that? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I think I should fart on her face. | ||
| I talked about it on stage that night in England, you know, because it was so ridiculous, because it was just such a preposterous lineup. | ||
| I can never turn it into a bit, but it was really hilarious at the time. | ||
| I couldn't imagine... | ||
| And I was thinking, what if this guy had planned this out? | ||
| What if he came to Melanie Griffith's agent and he said, listen, I'd be willing to pay a million dollars to fart in Mrs. Griffith's face. | ||
| I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| We can't bring that offer to her. | ||
| Just bring it to her, man. | ||
| Let her decide. | ||
| And the agent said, listen, I think we can work something out. | ||
| I've been looking at how these planes line up. | ||
| And this is what I want to show you. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Here's your seat. | ||
| Here's Melanie Griffith's seat. | ||
| Look who your ass would be. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| I think we got it. | ||
| I think we got it. | ||
| And Melanie doesn't even have to know. | ||
| Isn't that a little unethical, keeping the money from Melanie? | ||
| I mean, that's part of my thrill. | ||
| Well, you know, I'll just slip it into her bank account. | ||
| Melanie doesn't have to know. | ||
| Just a little extra money in her bank account. | ||
| This guy just opened his ass on Melanie's head. | ||
| It was just hot. | ||
| It was a hot fart, for sure. | ||
| There was some heat to it. | ||
| That was one where you might not have known how bad it was before you let it go, but once you let it go, you realized how atrocious... | ||
| What a terrible person you are. | ||
| How you should be despised. | ||
| Think about all the shit particles from your ass that people have been forced to acknowledge in their nostrils. | ||
| Word? | ||
|
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Word. | |
| Are we at one of those crazy pods in Brazil? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what it's going to be like. | ||
| Ari's going to Brazil with me. | ||
| We're going to party. | ||
| We're going to party in Rio. | ||
| Apparently it's the nuttiest crowd for MMA ever. | ||
| Like, you've never seen a more enthusiastic crowd. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they're all Brazilian on the card? | ||
| A lot of Brazilians on the card. | ||
| And, uh, good ones. | ||
| Husamar Paul Hares is fighting. | ||
| That's a fucking great fight, man. | ||
| That's gonna be interesting. | ||
| I think it must go nuts for it. | ||
| Aldo fighting Chad Mendes, man. | ||
| I wouldn't want to be Chad Mendes in Brazil. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Aldo. | ||
| Aldo and Anderson. | ||
| They're like heroes. | ||
| They're heroes. | ||
| They're heroes. | ||
| Well, they're two of three. | ||
| I mean, it's really, there's no country like Brazil, man, where there's three UFC champions. | ||
| I mean, there's only, how many weight classes now? | ||
| There's 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 205, and heavyweight. | ||
| So there's seven weight classes, and three of them are dominated by Brazilians. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| They don't have that in Americans. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| They don't have as many Americans. | ||
| No, George St. Pierre is 170, but then Mick Diaz and Carlos Condit, two Americans, are going to be fighting for the interim belt. | ||
| So that's going to be... | ||
| Why? | ||
| Oh, interim belt. | ||
| Well, it means a lot because George is out for a long time. | ||
| He's knees blown. | ||
| He had to get surgery. | ||
| He had to get a patella tendon graft. | ||
| It's a big surgery. | ||
| The patella tendon graft is a really difficult one. | ||
| The way they do that, it's a long road to recovery. | ||
| They take a chunk of bone out of your kneecap and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they slice the patella tendon. | ||
| They take a piece of it off. | ||
| And they use that piece to recreate the ACL, the anterior cruciate ligament that's inside the middle of the knee, the stabilizing ligament. | ||
| So then they have to screw that in place. | ||
| They have to drill holes, and then they have to take the little piece of bone they took from your kneecap and stuff it into your bone, stuff it into your humerus. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| What's the thigh? | ||
| Femur? | ||
| Femur. | ||
| Stuff it into your femur. | ||
| And then they stuff it into the lower one, too, whatever your shin bone is. | ||
| Yeah, it's gnarly shit. | ||
| So he's out for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, you were jacked. | ||
| Well, that is actually a technique that they've been using for a long time. | ||
| The patella tendon graft. | ||
| More than 20 years. | ||
| Because I had a patella tendon graft done in the 90s. | ||
| I had it done, I believe it was in 93. I had it done. | ||
| But now they more likely use a graft from a dead person. | ||
| I have in my right knee a cadaver graft. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they use the Achilles tendon. | ||
| Sean Rouse is getting two new knees. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| Two new plastic knees. | ||
| Artificial knees. | ||
| He has no cartilage in his knees. | ||
| Neither one of his knees. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Our friend Sean Rouse has a crazy form of arthritis. | ||
| It's like super aggressive arthritis. | ||
| He's so happy now. | ||
| I'm sure he's going to be able to walk around. | ||
| Avi Lieberman got him bumped up. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Avi Lieberman hooked him up? | ||
| I was like, I know a guy who works at whatever. | ||
| So what are they going to... | ||
| You know how they do that, man? | ||
| They have to cut your knee off. | ||
| Yeah, he's got pretty much nothing anymore. | ||
| You ever see how they do hip replacements? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's gnarly, dude. | ||
| They take the socket out, they cut it off, they saw it off, and they put a new socket in there and drive it into your fucking bone. | ||
| They screw this bolt into your bone, and now you have this new ball and socket set up in your hip. | ||
| It's probably a hundred times better than the original. | ||
|
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I want to get everything replaced. | |
| Sort of, no, because it's also an alien piece. | ||
| Sean said the only problem is it will start to dissolve after about 15 years, which is totally fine for him. | ||
| But he goes, dissolve to where? | ||
| Just into my body? | ||
| Whoa, after 15 years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then they go back and replace it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 15 years from now, they'll probably have amazing ones. | ||
| Maybe, probably, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they'll probably have one that's better than the human knee. | ||
| Hologram knee. | ||
| I mean, you would think with lightweight materials and if they could figure out something that's biocompatible. | ||
| Someone's going to start having those surgeries just because, like, I don't need it, but fuck it. | ||
| Well, have you seen that dude who, he's got no legs? | ||
| He lost his legs and he's competing in races with these artificial legs. | ||
| He lost his legs below the knee. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And so they put these... | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's got, like, these spring things? | ||
| Yeah, these crazy fucking things. | ||
| I wouldn't want to race against that guy. | ||
| And it actually is like kicking ass with these things, man. | ||
| He could run fast. | ||
| And some people are actually saying, like, this is an unfair advantage. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| You can't say that, man. | ||
| A dude gets his legs cut off. | ||
| He's got springs on his legs. | ||
|
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I know, but still. | |
| You've got to deal with that shit. | ||
| Unless he's breaking world records, you've got to deal with that shit. | ||
| As long as it gets close, it's okay? | ||
| Yeah, unless he's breaking... | ||
| What if he shatters world records? | ||
| That would be incredible. | ||
| Can you imagine if guys started getting their legs cut off so that they could run as fast as him? | ||
| And getting these artificial feet screwed on? | ||
| Somebody would make these skates, and what they would do is, in those speed skates, they would come slightly apart from the skate as you were stepping up. | ||
| So they would give you an extra split second of ice time. | ||
| If it's touching the ice, the blade would get slowly removed from your shoe. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it would stay in the ice a little longer. | ||
| And all those... | ||
| I think it was Swiss... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They were all fucking shattering records. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Just from doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's clever little monkeys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Clever little monkeys. | ||
| Figure that out. | ||
| Remember this last past Olympics where the dude died on the bombshell? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
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Oh, yeah. | |
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Oh, that was gnarly, man. | ||
| That's why I'm a huge proponent of everyone should have to wear helmet cams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you can see what that rider would be like. | ||
| We need to know that that's possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We need to know that that's possible. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's not something you should keep from people. | ||
| People that are considering being a bobsled person... | ||
| You could die from this. | ||
| Everyone was saying how it was way too fast. | ||
| It was running way too fast. | ||
| Well, look at what they're doing, man. | ||
| God, they're going so fast. | ||
| They're flying in those fucking things. | ||
| And I guess somehow or another you're steering with your weight, correct? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I mean, you must be doing something. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
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Yeah, I think it's leading. | |
| God damn. | ||
| There was a dude who was a fighter. | ||
| Todd Hayes. | ||
| He fought in Valley Tudo in Japan. | ||
| He was supposed to fight Hicks and Gracie, but he blew his shoulder out in the fight before that he won. | ||
| And he quit fighting to become a bobsled guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that was his... | ||
| Cursha Walker did bobsledding for a while. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, I think he won gold. | ||
|
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Jesus Christ. | |
| Then they started rethinking it. | ||
| They were like, oh, we don't need bobsledders. | ||
| We need fucking track people. | ||
| We need people that are fucking fast and strong to push the bases. | ||
| Cursha Walker made them win the gold? | ||
| Are you sure about that? | ||
|
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I think so. | |
| I think he won something. | ||
| Probably not the gold. | ||
| That sounds ridiculous. | ||
| Cursha Walker is a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| He made the Cowboys. | ||
| He's like 47 or 48 years old now, and he's still fighting MMA. That's amazing. | ||
| He fought in Strikeforce twice, at least twice in one. | ||
| Dude, he's fucking shredded! | ||
| He's ridiculously shredded. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's 48 years old, and... | ||
| He apparently has like superhuman discipline. | ||
| Yeah, he was always the way he worked out. | ||
| He never lifted weights. | ||
| Well, he says that, but then other dudes say that he has lifted weights. | ||
| I think he started after that. | ||
| Well, no, he also has multiple personality disorder. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So he could be saying that he's not lifting weights and he's telling the truth because he's not lifting weights. | ||
| But Clyde is. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| And Clyde's the one that has the past 24-hour fitness. | ||
|
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Gosh. | |
| He's like, no, I haven't really looked at all day. | ||
| I think, I'm pretty sure, I don't want to talk out of school, but I'm pretty sure I read on his website that he has trauma-related multiple personality disorder. | ||
| From football? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I read that, and I was like, wow, well, why is this guy fighting in MMA then? | ||
| You know, that seems crazy, that he would go from that to fighting in MMA, but... | ||
| The fights that he's had, dude, he's just mauled people. | ||
| He's such a fucking super athlete. | ||
| If Herschel Walker was around, if MMA was around when Herschel Walker was young, if he had decided to do that, every now and then there's dudes that can just throw people around. | ||
| He was so dominant for a little while that the Vikings pretty much traded their whole team for him. | ||
| It was like everybody they had good and draft picks for the next five years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I feel like we want them that bad. | ||
| Well, that's a super athlete, man. | ||
| It made the Cowboys for so long. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| Did you hear Mayweather wants to fight Pac-Man now? | ||
| Yeah, because he's going to jail. | ||
|
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Oh, is that why? | |
| Yeah, the judge will let him postpone his jail time until June. | ||
| So if he can get Pacquiao to fight him in May, he'll make a shitload of money and then go to jail for 90 days. | ||
| So since the judge has allowed him to postpone it, he's like, alright, fuck it, let's go. | ||
| Let's start the day after a fight. | ||
|
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So it's going to be a lame fight problem. | |
| No, it will not be a lame fight. | ||
| Pacquiao is a killer. | ||
| But I think that a lot of people feel that Pacquiao was exposed a little bit by Marquez. | ||
| The Juan Manuel Marquez fight. | ||
| that they've had three fights now and that Marquez felt like he won two of those. | ||
| And it was not nearly the dominant victory that Pacquiao had hoped for. | ||
| So a lot of people, I think, are thinking that if Floyd Mayweather was scared of him before, now he's like relaxed. | ||
| Now he saw the way Marquez dealt him. | ||
| Now he's like, oh, maybe there's a shot. | ||
| Yeah, because he boxed the shit out of Marquez. | ||
| When they fought, Floyd didn't even take any damage. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather is just technically and strategically on another level. | ||
| The thing about Pacquiao is Pacquiao is a beast. | ||
| He's got crazy power in his hands, ridiculous speed, and he can catch anybody. | ||
| And if he tees off on Floyd and he gets a good rhythm and starts coming at him with those wild combinations, anything can happen. | ||
| But Floyd doesn't feel like he can do that. | ||
| Floyd thinks he can stop him now. | ||
|
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Who's the money on? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| If I had a gamble, it's hard to bet against Pacquiao because Pacquiao's been fighting big guys too. | ||
| When he fought Margarito, he beat the shit out of Margarito. | ||
| Margarito was way bigger than him. | ||
| Margarito's a dangerous guy. | ||
| He fucked Margarito up. | ||
| I mean, he broke his eye socket. | ||
| He broke his orbital. | ||
| He has an artificial lens in his eye now. | ||
| Margarito does because of that fight. | ||
| Yeah, and Pacquiao was 15, 16 pounds lighter than him easily. | ||
| Maybe even more. | ||
| It might have been 18 pounds during fight time. | ||
| Because they weigh him on HBO. They weigh him the day of the fight, too. | ||
| And they see how much a guy's rehydrated. | ||
| And they show you that statistic, which I think is brilliant. | ||
| The UFC should probably incorporate something like that, too. | ||
| But I don't think they want to admit how much some guys are cutting. | ||
| Guys like Anthony Johnson. | ||
| Yeah, they caught a shit ton? | ||
| Anthony Johnson's fighting Vitor Belfort this weekend in Brazil. | ||
| That's going to be fucking crazy. | ||
| And he's fighting at 185 for the first time too, which for Anthony is the right move. | ||
| If you've never seen Anthony Johnson before, he's another specimen. | ||
|
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|
Specimen. | |
| Dude's a specimen. | ||
| And he's a big 170, like the biggest possible. | ||
| And I would see him walking around in between fights, and he was well over 200 pounds. | ||
| He was enormous. | ||
| He looked like a heavyweight. | ||
| And then he would drop. | ||
| He said at one point in time he cut 60 pounds to make 170. A long time. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he did it over a long camp. | ||
| But, you know, starved himself. | ||
|
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60 pounds? | |
| 60. He was up to like 230. It's a success story. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Meanwhile, with him, it was mostly muscle. | ||
| He was mostly making his body eat itself, dehydrating and eat itself. | ||
| He's losing a little bit of fat, but he's not a fat guy. | ||
| He doesn't get fat. | ||
| He's just an athlete. | ||
| It's fucking brutal, man. | ||
| There's a point of diminishing returns. | ||
| You should make the reins right before the fight. | ||
| You can't do that because of brain damage. | ||
| That's when people are most susceptible to brain damage. | ||
| But then you won't cut. | ||
| They would. | ||
| They would cut anyway. | ||
| Yeah, they cut anyway. | ||
| They always do. | ||
| They used to have weight. | ||
| They used to have it in boxing. | ||
| They used to have the day of. | ||
| But more people die of brain injuries because of dehydration. | ||
| How about have it after the fight? | ||
| I don't think in the old days the boxing... | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| You lose a lot of weight during a fight. | ||
| I don't think a lot of people were hip to IVs back in the day either. | ||
| So when they would lose weight... | ||
| When they would lose weight. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| IBs to replenish. | ||
| To put your liquids back in. | ||
| That's the best way to do it. | ||
| All those guys look so weak when they're at the weigh-ins. | ||
| They look like death. | ||
| I've seen guys look terrified. | ||
| Their breath stink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Breath is horrible. | ||
|
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Ugh. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, stomach acid coming out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they don't eat for a long time before they get up there. | ||
| A lot of the guys. | ||
| Except the heavyweights. | ||
|
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Heavyweights. | |
| They don't care. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| They weigh in on their jeans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's about the same. | ||
| But there's a few guys that have had to cut weight at heavyweight. | ||
| Tim Sylvia had to cut weight once. | ||
| He weighed in over. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| He was over 265. Brock's always made the weight. | ||
| He cuts to that, right? | ||
| Yeah, he cuts to that. | ||
| Yeah, if he wanted to, he could get to about 300 pounds if he wanted to, I'm sure. | ||
| If he started packing on the creatine and doing power lifting and shit like that and just eating all day. | ||
| But I don't think he can eat all day now because of that stomach thing. | ||
| I think his diet has got to be very different. | ||
| Time catches everyone. | ||
| That's not just time, dude. | ||
| He had diverticulitis. | ||
| You could die from that shit, man. | ||
| People die. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I never even heard of that before he got it. | ||
| I never heard of it. | ||
| They should rename it Brock Lesnar's disease. | ||
| Same way they did with Lou Gehrig. | ||
| Out of all the times that you and I have been to Fogo de Chão, all of those Brazilian steakhouses, who would have ever thought that someone could die from eating too much meat? | ||
| Would you have ever thought of that? | ||
| We've been going to those places for a decade. | ||
|
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Are you going to go to the one in Brazil? | |
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| You know, the ones in Brazil are even better because they serve like chicken hearts and stuff that people in America are kind of scared of. | ||
| That shit's delicious, dude. | ||
| When we went to one in Sao Paulo, it was one of the best ones I've ever been to ever. | ||
| And they just kept giving us these chicken hearts. | ||
| I was like, dude, keep coming with them chicken hearts. | ||
| It's like salted. | ||
| They know how to cook, dude. | ||
| It's just a wild culture, man. | ||
| It's a beautiful culture. | ||
| The culture of Brazil is so fun. | ||
| You know, meat and fighting, and the girls are beautiful, and they're living on the beach. | ||
|
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I mean, it's like... | |
| And everybody's playing jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I mean, it's like, wow, what a crazy culture, man. | ||
| And soccer and everything, you know? | ||
| And their economy has changed in a big way over the last few years. | ||
| Apparently, they found oil off the shore, and their economy's booming. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| You know they're one of the leaders of the world in AIDS research and education? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of places in Rio also I've heard where people go to get good but cheap plastic surgery. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| Yeah, like girls in Hollywood that can't afford going to doctors here, you can fly to Brazil and get your shit done there. | ||
| Because their girls get book jobs all the time and stuff. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And then, you know, then you just chill out in Rio, chill out on the beach while your tits heal, and get on a plane and head home. | ||
| Holla! | ||
| I got one on vacation, came back with tits. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| Yeah, it should be fun. | ||
| It's a whole other culture. | ||
| Yeah, just don't go to the favelas looking for heroin. | ||
| Keep it together. | ||
| And don't get bit by a Brazilian wandering spider. | ||
| There's a Brazilian wandering spider that kills you, and one of the things that happens is the people that survive, first of all, you'll have a 24-hour raging death hard-on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The way it affects your body, it apparently blasts your levels of nitric oxide, which is the same effect that Viagra has. | ||
| And what this stuff does is just makes your dick hard as fucking cold steel to the point where it's painful. | ||
| Well, your dick is dying. | ||
| It's expanded so hard that it's tearing. | ||
| Literally, the cells are ripping apart from each other. | ||
| It's getting so big and so hard that the cells are separating from each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tearing in agony and screaming pain. | |
| And this is happening to all your muscles, not just your cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| But every muscle in your body is just in mad agony. | ||
| And if you survive, and most people don't, but if you survive, you'll be fucked. | ||
| You'll be dead. | ||
| You might as well be dead. | ||
| Your dick won't work anymore. | ||
| It's done forever. | ||
| Your body's going to be a wreck. | ||
| You're going to be physically a wreck. | ||
| All your muscles are going to be fucked. | ||
| So wait, do they, once you get bit, what happens to you? | ||
| Can you go to the doctor immediately? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucked. | |
| It's almost immediately. | ||
| Almost immediately you're fucked. | ||
| I don't know if they have... | ||
| And what would you say, percentage-wise, are you worried about the spider? | ||
| Me, I'm not going to the jungle. | ||
| Oh, it's in the jungle. | ||
| I'm 100% not worried. | ||
| I hope it's only in the jungle. | ||
| Shit, I'm pretty sure it's only in the jungle. | ||
| But if I'm going to put myself in a fucking boy in the plastic bubble suit, I'm going to dress up like Aquaman. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not really worried about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are hotels normal down there? | |
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Beautiful hotels. | ||
| They're pretty much everywhere. | ||
| They've already been tours from other places. | ||
| The nice hotels are nice everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, any city in the world that's a real city, you're going to have some nice places to stay. | ||
| I've seen Kuwait. | ||
| Kuwait has beautiful, beautiful hotels. | ||
| It's kind of crazy, you would think. | ||
| If someone just went to war with Iraq just a few years ago, it would probably be a mess right now, right? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| Go there, it's beautiful. | ||
| I had a crazy dream. | ||
| I quit pot and my dreams went nuts. | ||
| Tell us about that. | ||
| How long did you quit it for? | ||
| 13 days. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I met every day, multiple times a day, smoker. | ||
| I heard that you get dreams and nightmares after three days. | ||
| Nightmares? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I was trying to put three days on. | ||
| To try to get the dreams and nightmares. | ||
| You got to see what would happen if you quit. | ||
| But it took me two years. | ||
| We need to give you some alpha brain. | ||
| I bet alpha brain would give you some ridiculous dreams. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people kept saying, like, oh, it must be the alpha brain or whatever it was. | ||
| It gives you really vivid dreams. | ||
| It's the combination of all the nootropics and the B6. Because B6 on its own apparently can do that. | ||
| A lot of the nootropics on their own can give you some weird dream effects. | ||
| But apparently all of them together with the B6 really kicks. | ||
| It was every night except after I did mushrooms. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| Yeah, and we get to create like plot-driven dreams, like long and super clear. | ||
| I can remember them for way longer. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And one of them was I was dropped in the jungle in Brazil and there was all these like dangerous predators. | ||
| But there's also tons of mushroom spores. | ||
| So we would trip out. | ||
| Dude, I think it's good to stop smoking pot for a little bit. | ||
| I think it's good to stop doing everything. | ||
| I take meat breaks. | ||
| I take meat breaks where I only eat vegetables for a couple of days. | ||
| Clear out a little bit. | ||
| Just for the fuck of it. | ||
| I just do it if I feel like doing it. | ||
| Sometimes there's a good vegan restaurant near here and every now and then I'll just have this real hankering for some real vegetable heavy food. | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quinoa. | |
| Quinoa? | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vegan food. | |
| Quinoa. | ||
| Quinoa? | ||
| Oh, quinoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quinoa. | |
| That's that grain, that heavy protein grain. | ||
| I got the Whole Foods salad bar. | ||
| I got a bunch of different types of quinoas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the only plant, apparently, that has all the amino acids that meat has. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That, I think, soy also. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think soy has everything. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and soy makes you grow tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, fuck soy. | |
| Soy made Brian cry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I like almond. | |
| Almond milk is great for you. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I drink that shit every day. | ||
| That's pretty much substituted most of my dairy. | ||
| Unless I'm having cookies. | ||
| I'm having cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really easy to make by yourself. | |
| Almond milk? | ||
| Yeah, almond milk. | ||
| Because you have the Vitamix, it's really cool for that. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just mix it with water. | |
| But there's a lot of good recipes online to make. | ||
| Do you make it? | ||
| Have you made one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I tried it once and it worked. | |
| Do you have to soak the almonds first? | ||
| Is that how you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I soak it overnight for 24 hours and mix it up. | |
| There's something else I did to it. | ||
| You're just buying almond milk. | ||
| Yeah, why don't I do that? | ||
| So I can just go to the store and buy it. | ||
| I just have it done for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm just saying, if you're crazy, you're really crazy. | |
| You feel like going old school. | ||
| Make your own butter. | ||
| Have you ever tried to make your own butter? | ||
| No. | ||
| I made my own whipped cream. | ||
| I did make my own pickles. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So why is it preposterous to make your own butter? | ||
| You can't get that kind of recipe. | ||
| Oh, the pickle recipe? | ||
| There was a place when we were filming Zookeeper in Boston. | ||
| I wish I remembered their name because I would give them a shout out. | ||
| There was a fucking cart that they had where it was all pickles and different flavored pickles. | ||
| And some of them were really spicy and some of them were really crisp and green. | ||
| And some of them were like the more sour, like a darker or lighter colored green ones. | ||
| And they just had every kind of pickle and they were fucking deadly. | ||
| And I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys ship these pickles? | ||
| I'm like, I got to get these fucking pickles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were amazing. | |
| I'll bring you some that my father made. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I'll bring you some to the airport. | ||
| The best is a Bloody Mary with pickled asparagus and green beans in it. | ||
| Pickled asparagus? | ||
| What do they pickle it with? | ||
| Same thing? | ||
| Same thing, Brian? | ||
| Once you've already made the brine, you can use that stuff. | ||
| Oh, so you just stick something else in there, huh? | ||
| Carrots and green cucumbers. | ||
| Cucumbers are good. | ||
| Do you ever have that? | ||
| Green cucumbers? | ||
| Those pickled green cucumbers? | ||
| Not cucumbers. | ||
| Tomatoes, rather. | ||
| Those are delicious. | ||
| They hold it really well. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| They're crisp. | ||
| They're sharp, so you can cut them with a knife. | ||
| Yeah, Juice figured out a lot of cool shit. | ||
| Juice figured out pastrami. | ||
| You gotta take off your fucking hat to pastrami, man. | ||
| It's pastrami. | ||
| We did that well. | ||
| Pastrami is like one of the best for sandwiches. | ||
| Can you get a more delicious meat for sandwiches? | ||
| It's fatty, and they slice it real thin, and then with Rubens, when they put the fucking sauerkraut on that bitch, and then the dressing. | ||
| You guys want to go to Jerry's Deli and eat right now? | ||
| That was the hardest thing. | ||
| Yeah, let's get high, though. | ||
| That was the hardest thing when I took my podcast. | ||
| There was one time I got greenblats on my home. | ||
| I got that. | ||
| Pastrami, half pastrami, half chopped liver. | ||
| And I was like, I should be smoking a joint right now. | ||
| This is how this should go. | ||
| That would definitely enhance the food. | ||
| People don't realize how much it does enhance. | ||
| How far is Jerry's Deli? | ||
| Not far at all. | ||
| Real close. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| Let's do that shit! | ||
| What was I going to say? | ||
| Oh, Cantor's is the best. | ||
| If you want to really get down and dirty with your pastrami, that's the best pastrami in LA. Cantor's is, that's the oldest school, old school place in LA. How long has that deli been there? | ||
| Canter's? | ||
| A long time. | ||
| That's exactly the same. | ||
| If you go into that place, that's exactly the same as it was in the 1970s. | ||
| All those old pictures from there. | ||
| I think it's way older than that. | ||
| Yeah, way older than that, but I'm saying I don't think they've done any renovations since the 70s. | ||
| Or maybe it might even be the 50s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck knows? | |
| The place is awesome. | ||
| And the food is super legit, especially pastrami. | ||
| And the whitefish, the smoked whitefish. | ||
| God damn, I'm getting hungry, bitches! | ||
| So, to wrap things up... | ||
| Can I say this before we go? | ||
| If you tell people? | ||
| You can say whatever you want. | ||
| I got Minneapolis, the 25th, the 29th. | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Have another whiskey. | ||
| Throw the battleship around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I think me and Kreischer are going to do a show with Russell in Toronto. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they're working on it. | ||
| They have a festival there. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Russell's a giant in Toronto. | ||
| That's where he's from, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, Russell fucking dominates up there. | ||
| What a nice guy Russell Peters is. | ||
| If you don't know Russell Peters, what a fucking great guy he is. | ||
| He's so friendly, you know? | ||
| He's such an easy, down-to-earth guy. | ||
| No, like, airs about him. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, I always forget that he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge! | |
| Superstar! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I always forget. | ||
| We were talking with him and Fahim. | ||
| We're talking at the improv. | ||
| He's like, honestly, I'm going to go on. | ||
| And it's like, you can't just go. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You can't just go on. | ||
| I forgot who you are. | ||
| Just a regular dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what's really crazy is how he's huge in other countries. | ||
| In the UK, he sold out the O2 Arena like two nights in a row. | ||
| In Canada. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Two nights in a row. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The O2 Arena is where we do the UFC. It's huge. | |
| I don't know how many it is. | ||
| It's more than 15,000. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's more than 15,000, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| It's fucking gigantic, man. | ||
| I can't even imagine. | ||
| I'm doing the Chicago theater. | ||
| It's like 3,000. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty big. | ||
| I did 3,000 over the summer. | ||
| That's pretty nuts. | ||
| Yeah, it's just so many people. | ||
| It's a lot of people laughing. | ||
| When the laughs come in, it's a boom. | ||
| It's like, wow. | ||
| It's a weird thing, man. | ||
| Whenever you go over 500... | ||
| The laughs are bigger, but the connection's different. | ||
| It's hard to keep that real intimate connection with 3,000 people. | ||
| I have to tell myself, this last time I was able to get a little better because I was slow between jokes, pause a lot longer. | ||
| But usually it takes me 10 minutes to remember that. | ||
| Do you feel like it goes smoother when you pause longer? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| It allows them time to take it in. | ||
| You need more time because there's more people? | ||
| Yeah, it's just bigger. | ||
| Like, when you're bouncing off the wall in the belly room to the left, it's like 80 people in those small, small rooms in that place in Boston. | ||
| That upstairs in my Chinese place. | ||
| It was like they all hear each other and react immediately. | ||
| Well, also I think that the room's acoustics are different. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| The way you process sound is different when there's so much loudness around you with laughter. | ||
| And then this is projected from speakers that are far away. | ||
| I mean, it's a tricky thing, right? | ||
| And you can't really see the guy really well, so you can't get the facial expressions, the little non-written cues so that it's time to laugh. | ||
| Yeah, that's when comedy gets weird when you have giant screens where your face is on these giant screens. | ||
| Man, you'd have to. | ||
| Otherwise no one could see you if you do something that big. | ||
| Well, Dane would do those big places like that, but he would do them in the round. | ||
| He would do them in the round. | ||
| So they'd have to have somebody on the screen. | ||
| Yeah, you have to because otherwise you're looking at his ass. | ||
| Which some girls would love. | ||
| Don't get me started. | ||
| He hasn't done comedy in like a year. | ||
| Yeah, it's very weird. | ||
| I see him out once in a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say he's going to do an Ice House Chronicles soon. | |
| Yeah? | ||
| He's going to come do the show. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he will. | |
| Maybe he'll just do the podcast part, though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He hasn't done comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I think. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people should just fucking get tired of it. | ||
| I asked him at Storyteller's show and he's like, keep asking me, but no, I'm not back yet. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's going to take more than a year off. | ||
| I wonder what he's doing. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Some people are just not happy with what they're doing. | ||
| This is what I heard, that it was like, I've sold out like 15,000 seaters, whatever. | ||
| It's like, that's the top of what you're supposed to do. | ||
| And I was like, where am I supposed to go? | ||
| Just keep doing that. | ||
| There's nowhere else to go or strive for. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That could be it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or he's just acting. | |
| We all strive to get bigger followings. | ||
| I've got it. | ||
| I've got the biggest following I can get. | ||
| Well, his following definitely dropped off though. | ||
| I talked to people that worked in places where he was at where he had been there a couple years before and sold 15,000 seats and then he came back and sold like seven. | ||
| It was still huge, but it wasn't what it was at the peak of his popularity. | ||
| I think it's also a lot of negativity. | ||
| He dealt with a lot of people that were not just warranted, but even unwarranted negativity. | ||
| There was a lot of people that hated that guy. | ||
| There was warranted stuff, like the plagiarism stuff that was kind of questionable. | ||
| I shouldn't say questionable, but it was... | ||
| He stopped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He probably just stopped. | |
| He stopped. | ||
| He stopped doing that, for sure. | ||
| But it was also, I mean, the way it all went down, it was very unfortunate for him. | ||
| It looked horrible. | ||
| You know, when people were playing the Louis C.K. bits next to his bits, it just became... | ||
| Did you ever watch him on Louis' show? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That scene? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't... | ||
| I thought that was weird. | ||
| You know, I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's definitely weird. | |
| I like the way Louis kind of let him win, because that's in line with how Louis would deal with the situation. | ||
| It made sense to me. | ||
| Like, oh, of course this is how Louis did it. | ||
| You know, Louis's a nice guy, you know, and he sort of felt bad that everybody was going after Dane, but... | ||
| It was what it was. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's just hard for a guy to recover from something like that. | ||
| When you get a label put on you and you get a lot of people that just decide to hate you. | ||
| I mean, Zach Galifianakis. | ||
| Galifianakis. | ||
| Galifianakis. | ||
| He had a... | ||
| People don't hate him. | ||
| Remember he used to do a bit where he would pull out posters at the end and he'd write things on them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one of them was Kill Dane Cook. | ||
| Got a huge laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's all sort of a group we can make this joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He became that guy. | ||
| Even though a lot of people loved him, he became the guy that a lot of people fucking hated. | ||
| Yeah, and you were in the clear to be able to say whatever you wanted. | ||
| And if you're not doing stand-up, you're really not in that world anymore. | ||
| You're not attached to those people anymore. | ||
| You're not feeling their hate anymore. | ||
| You're like, whatever. | ||
| Now you have no effect on me. | ||
| Now you have no effect on me. | ||
| I'm not doing stand-up right now. | ||
| You have no effect on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if you're tired of people just, this snarky critic who is just on instinct and just by default they're cunty. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that by default looking for something shitty to say. | ||
| And when you've got a target like Kim Kardashian or Dane Cook when people were shitting on him or anybody who's in the news that is like a free shot, you automatically go after them. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of people that go after him. | ||
| Yeah, Justin Bieber. | ||
| So not doing comedy would help that? | ||
| Yeah, because you're not connected to them anymore. | ||
| You're not doing anything. | ||
| He's got enough money, I'm sure, that he could just kick back and relax for a few years. | ||
| He doesn't seem like a nutty spender. | ||
| So if he can just kick back and relax for a few years, and maybe while he's doing that he's writing some stuff that he really likes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He filmed three movies last year, so that could also be why he took a year off. | |
| Yeah, that could be too. | ||
| I know Beck did an album, a really great album called Sea Change, and it's all about his relationship with Winona Ryder. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said, though, he was like, I couldn't write it for like two years, until after we broke up, for like a couple years, and then I was able to process my feelings about it, and then write this amazing work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| How's Winona feel about it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They tried to reach her, but she was too busy stealing shit. | ||
| It's a really great album. | ||
| It's a good breakup album. | ||
| He's a Scientologist, isn't he? | ||
| Yeah, I went to a Scientology show of his once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What was that? | ||
| It was a knitting factory, but it was a fundraiser for Scientology, and my Scientologist friend got me in. | ||
| Wow, you have a Scientologist friend? | ||
| Bobby used to have a girlfriend who was a Scientologist. | ||
| Okay, so you're sitting there with all Scientologists and you? | ||
| And Bobby. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He must have been there too. | ||
| Unless he wasn't available that day. | ||
| And so Beck is doing a show and going like, fucking Scientology rules! | ||
| No, he didn't really talk about it. | ||
| And everybody goes, yes! | ||
| When you see a car accident, you know you have to pull over. | ||
| Because you're a Scientologist. | ||
| And you're the only one that's going to know what to do. | ||
| The only one that can help. | ||
| I just think it'd be too bad if you, like Dane Cook, the way he talks about comedy and the way he's been 20 years in the game, to lose a professional. | ||
| Man, it's too bad. | ||
| Well, who knows if he's losing it? | ||
| Maybe he's just taking a year off. | ||
| Maybe he's just reinventing himself. | ||
| No, seriously, he filmed three movies, he was on a TV show. | ||
| I know, but he was filming movies before and he never took time off. | ||
| Yeah, nobody, there's a big difference between doing all these movies and taking time off of stand-up. | ||
| Not coming up with a new album. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not doing any stand-up in LA. Yeah. | ||
| Guys take two weeks off and it's a big deal. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Two weeks is kind of shaky. | ||
| You come back, you're a little, you know, you got to do like one set a week at least. | ||
| Well, I got Tuesday, Wednesday this week at the store, but I'm going to be gone in Brazil for the rest. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I only got, that's what I called in for. | ||
| I only got one spot. | ||
| And I was like, no, I'm not going to be able to, I'm not going to get on again until Tuesday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I had to call, like, who's on the cover booth tonight? | ||
| You got to let me slide in. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| You use your juice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once in a while. | |
| But not once in a while. | ||
| Only when you need to, though. | ||
| I'm saying there's no way you go off like a year with nothing. | ||
| Who's making that fucking list at the comedy store? | ||
| It's fine not to give me one day out of the week. | ||
| Silly fucks. | ||
| I'm writing a new hour this year. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you throwing your old one out? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Done. | ||
| Chucking it. | ||
| Done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you make a DVD? Made a CD. You gotta make a DVD, son. | |
| You can't throw your material out without a fucking visual representation of it. | ||
| That's outrageous. | ||
| A lot of your shit is visual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hire someone to film you, cheap prick. | ||
| Make a special of my own. | ||
| Yeah, just put it online. | ||
| Release it to people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give it to the world, Ari! | ||
| Make a video. | ||
| Make a video? | ||
| You need a video, dude. | ||
| You can't just have an audio. | ||
| My first CD, I was upset that some of my shit wasn't visual. | ||
| Yeah, I went over that a lot. | ||
| Made videos of it and released them. | ||
| Just put it online after the fact. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of shit. | ||
| Like the old lady vagina bit, that's a lot of visual in that. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't remember that at all. | ||
| The hand at the bottom, boom. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's visual. | ||
| You need that part. | ||
| That's a big part of why it's funny. | ||
| What happens to a woman's vagina? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| Don't say anymore. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That would be a little visual. | ||
| Very visual. | ||
| The fuck, Ari? | ||
| So if people want to see you, where can they see you, Ari? | ||
| This upcoming Minneapolis show? | ||
| Where is it at again? | ||
| It's houseofcomedy.net. | ||
| Houseofcomedy.net. | ||
| And you'll be in Chicago at the same time. | ||
| Yes, I will be in Chicago. | ||
| The 27th? | ||
| Is it that weekend? | ||
| It's the 25th of the 29th, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to be in... | ||
| There's still some tickets available, but they're going fast, bitches! | ||
| Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We're going to be at the Chicago Theater on January 27th. | ||
| And if you see Joey on stage, Joey will probably be not walking so good because he's just going to have surgery 10 days before that. | ||
| He's getting his knee fixed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe get him one of those little scooters, a little zippos, zippies. | |
| Maybe we should get him a scooter. | ||
| But if anybody wants to get him some flowers and say get well, get him some cards, say get well, Joey. | ||
| Fuck flowers, give me the cards. | ||
| Get out of here with those fucking cards and flowers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just give him a lot of envelopes. | |
| Yeah, give me an envelope with cash in it or nothing. | ||
| He loves envelopes. | ||
| Yeah, so Joey will be there supposedly. | ||
| I hope he's going to be able to make it, but he's getting surgery 10 days before. | ||
| Yeah, pretty tight. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, tight scheduling. | ||
| Duncan's going to be there for sure. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| And then there's the UFC on Fox the next day. | ||
| You can see that. | ||
| Or if you're closer to my man Ari Shafir, you go to Minneapolis and go to the... | ||
| Houseofcomedy.net. | ||
| Houseofcomedy.net. | ||
| And Ari will be that weekend. | ||
| How many days are you there? | ||
| Five days. | ||
| Five days. | ||
| Damn, that's nice. | ||
| That's time for a relationship. | ||
| You could meet a new girl and fall in love and then grow to hate each other by the time the 27th rolls around. | ||
| Nexus of it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex to learn from, man. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, and Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| Go to the link on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on it for the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name Rogan, and you can get 10% off. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Next week, we have Hamilton Morris from Vice.com. | ||
| We're going to be going on an isolation tank tour. | ||
| We're going to go to Venice. | ||
| Yeah, and he's going to come on the podcast as well. | ||
| And I got Steve Ranella from, what's that show called? | ||
| The Wild Within, which was a really cool show that got canceled. | ||
| Now I think he's got a new show called Meat Eater. | ||
| So he's going to be on the podcast on Monday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| All right, you dirty freaks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vote for me. | |
| Yeah, Brian's got some fucking silly internet contest. | ||
| He wants everybody to vote for him. | ||
| He's like 300 bucks to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just go to deathsquad.tv and at the top it says vote for me. | |
| Just click on that. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| And I'll be at Waterbeds and stuff Thursday. | ||
| Waterbeds and stuff? | ||
| You're doing shows at waterbed factories? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just going to buy a bowl. | |
| What is waterbeds and stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the only place to buy a bowl in Columbus, Ohio. | |
| Oh. | ||
| To buy a bowl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they sell waterbeds and pipes. | |
| What? | ||
| And that's where you're going to be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you doing a show there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They all listen to this podcast. | |
| You're doing a show there? | ||
| No, I'm not going to do a show there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should do a show there. | |
| Why are you there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, I'm just going to buy a bowl. | |
| Don't be scared. | ||
| Don't be scared, homie.com. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Oh, one more thing. | ||
| I interviewed a hooker on my podcast this week. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| A real one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| High-class prostitute. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, how do people get that? | ||
| Go to, I guess, iTunes or my website, AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| It was long and good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| She just told me everything. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Ooh, I might listen to that. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| I'm listening to that on the flight to Brazil. | ||
| This is the five other things. | ||
| It's a long flight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| You fucking freaks. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| We love you guys. | ||
| We love everybody. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| Thanks for everybody. | ||
| Thanks for everything. | ||
| Thanks to everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For everything, I've been talking too much today. | |
| My mouth doesn't want to work anymore. |
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