Nov. 16, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:55:37
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're already nailing it. | ||
| Boom, bitches! | ||
| Shit's not even turned on. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link to The Fleshlight, I'm trying to do this and I'm trying to tweet at the same time. | ||
| This is unprofessional to me. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And Doug Benson, if you want one, I have extras. | ||
| I have one for you. | ||
| It's got your name on it. | ||
| Did I tell you my slogan I came up with for the Fleshlight? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck those things. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's simple. | ||
| It's clean. | ||
| I like the way you think. | ||
| If you enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off. | ||
| And Brian, how many of you fucked? | ||
| I haven't fucked one until recently. | ||
| I just went back to fucking one. | ||
| And it was nice. | ||
| I don't know why I took the vacation. | ||
| You went handsies for a while? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was spitting on my hands, making myself have yeast infections and all this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you spit after eating... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You made yourself have a yeast infection on your dick? | ||
| I think I did. | ||
| You spit some mashed potatoes in your hand or something? | ||
| I've been lazy with my lotion. | ||
| You are so nasty. | ||
| You are so nasty. | ||
| You spit in your hand and you gave yourself a yeast infection on your dick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| From too much breadsticks. | ||
| Anyway, don't do what he does. | ||
| And clean your fleshlight, too. | ||
| Don't be disgusting. | ||
| Wasn't there a problem with, like, cantaloupes recently where people were dying from, like, bad cantaloupes? | ||
| They were fucking bad cantaloupes? | ||
| No, from eating them. | ||
| But then I was just wondering, I was going to extrapolate, like, what would happen if you fucked a bad cantaloupe? | ||
| Yeah, no kidding, right? | ||
| Because cantaloupe is probably the nature's backup to the fleshlight, right? | ||
| How many different people do you think? | ||
| What are the numbers of people that have fucked cantaloupes? | ||
| I think when you're young, you would try anything. | ||
| I mean, I fuck pillows and then I sleep on it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, when you're young, you hump things, though. | ||
| But you have to get elaborate if you want to carve a correct size hole into a piece of fruit. | ||
| Out of curiosity, how many people do you think have fucked cantaloupes? | ||
| Cantaloupe, I would say at least 2 out of 10 people. | ||
| I mean, like, all-time numbers. | ||
| Is it a million? | ||
| Have a million people fucked the cantaloupe? | ||
| Fifty-three. | ||
| Fifty-three people? | ||
| Wait, two out of ten? | ||
| How many people have actually gone through it, you know? | ||
| I mean, a lot of people have probably looked at a cantaloupe and they were drunk and thought, I could fuck that. | ||
| And, like, maybe looked for an apple cork, couldn't find it, or tried to make a hole, a circular hole with a knife and it didn't work out, and they're like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| But how many people actually went ahead, fucked it, and came inside the cantaloupe? | ||
| I want the numbers. | ||
| I'm biased because I have, so I think everyone has. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You shot a load into a camera? | ||
| Yeah, remember I put it in the microwave? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Oh, you made it nice and hot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I always used heat. | ||
| When I think about masturbating, I have to have heat involved. | ||
| But I don't like those hot oils. | ||
| I used to live in Ohio. | ||
| It was freezing all the time. | ||
| Have you ever fucked a girl up by mistake by using the back oil? | ||
| You put it on back that heats up. | ||
| You accidentally use it for lube to fuck a girl in the ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It ruins it and they run to the bathroom crying and it ruins everything. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| So that hot oil lotion is just for your bag. | ||
| Don't put it in an asshole. | ||
| Please don't tell me that this is a real story. | ||
| It's super real. | ||
| I've done it multiple times by mistake. | ||
| You know what's supposedly really nasty? | ||
| If you filled a tub with champagne, if a lady gets into it, it would just burn the shit out of her stuff. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That supposedly happened in Natalie Wood one time. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| I think Dennis Hopper used to tell that story. | ||
| I bet it's happened in a lot of hood parties. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of really big rap hood parties. | |
| Yeah, I mean, come on. | ||
| You don't think Birdman has parties where his bathtub's full of champagne and chicks are just climbing in them and booty-popping? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Inside the tub filled with champagne. | ||
| Of course they are. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| We're telling you, those girls, ladies, get your cooter checked out. | ||
| Get some anti-yeast infection type situation going there. | ||
| That's dangerous stuff. | ||
| It is dangerous. | ||
| What about Martinelli's sparkling apple? | ||
| Do you think that would probably burn also? | ||
| Maybe that would not burn because it's not alcoholic, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe it wouldn't fuck everything up. | ||
| Maybe it would just make everything smell nice. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| Maybe it could be a positive. | ||
| And it's just apple cider, right? | ||
| Anyway, that's the Fleshlight commercial. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Go get yourself a Fleshlight. | ||
| They're awesome to beat off. | ||
| A lot of controversy on these new commercials, Joe. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| They can go fuck themselves. | ||
| What kind of controversy? | ||
| A lot of people have been tweeting me and I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| It's like, you know, chill the fuck out. | ||
| People are like, why do the commercials take so long? | ||
| It's not really a commercial, dude. | ||
| It's a commercial. | ||
| That was a fun commercial. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what we're doing every time. | ||
| Every one of them is organic. | ||
| Every one of them is just us fucking around. | ||
| We get it out of the way. | ||
| It's the best way to do a commercial, folks. | ||
| It's really not that big a deal. | ||
| I didn't even know we were doing a commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| I thought this was just pre-show chatter. | ||
| It's fucking entertaining. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Relax, everybody. | ||
| It's like what we're trying to do basically is just slip it in real quick on you. | ||
| Come on, just let me... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, Mike? | |
| It's a big deal. | ||
| Can I do a five-second commercial? | ||
| Can you right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Somebody made a funny website, searchlikebryan.com. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Use it for your search needs. | ||
| It's pretty awesome. | ||
| It adds the word butthole to every search. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| He adds the word butthole every time he searches things. | ||
| So he's like, what do you think it would be like to live in New Orleans? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| New Orleans butthole. | ||
| Wells Fargo location's butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It always adds one extra butthole to all your searches. | |
| Does that change the ultimate destination? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you still get what you want. | |
| You just get a little butthole mixed in for fun. | ||
| If you get to page 1,199, you might see something fucked up. | ||
| An old dude named Wells Fargo bent over showing you his butt off. | ||
| It's funny how that goatsy thing, that guy pulling apart his asshole, that is the internet, man. | ||
| There's a photo, I forget, it was one of those memes, and it was a kid that was horrified, it was photoshopped, obviously, and right in front of this kid's face was the goatsy asshole, and it just said, welcome to the internet. | ||
| laughter I mean, if you could pick one image that represents the internet, for me, it's the Goatsy asshole guy. | ||
| The guy pulling apart his asshole. | ||
| That represents the internet to me, because guess what? | ||
| There's no way that should be that easy to find. | ||
| There's no way you should ever be one click away from a guy just opening his asshole, just pulling it apart like a chew toy, you know? | ||
| There's no fucking way that should be one click away. | ||
| That is the internet. | ||
| That embodies the internet. | ||
| That is the potential of the internet. | ||
| It's not the whole internet, but it's a good t-shirt. | ||
| It's one particular hole. | ||
| It's a good t-shirt for the band. | ||
| I mean, fuck, dude. | ||
| We are also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to Onnit.com, we sell Alpha Brain, which is a cognitive enhancer. | ||
| And New Mood, which is a 5-HTP formulation that has 5-HTP and L-tryptophan in it. | ||
| And it... | ||
| It really makes you feel awesome. | ||
| Have you been trying that? | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| 5-HTP is the shit, man. | ||
| Forget about what we're selling. | ||
| Go buy it from a GNC or a local store. | ||
| Try out some 5-HTP. That shit feels good. | ||
| Or buy it in an alley. | ||
| Try to buy it from a dealer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go get it. | |
| You don't have to buy our stuff. | ||
| The idea of nootropics, just because I'm selling nootropics on this show, don't buy my shit. | ||
| Go buy it from somewhere else. | ||
| Go read what nootropics are all about. | ||
| Online and you know and try it it might not work for you might work for you for some people There's everybody is different biologically I think and I think stuff that might work for you is not necessarily gonna work for me Go buy a winch I'm instead I mean there's some people that can't deal with caffeine some people I mean I don't I don't know if it's gonna work for you but for me it works Caffeine's not my thing but I'd still try it you know you never know Are you a caffeine guy? | ||
| No, I'm saying it's not at all. | ||
| I'm completely off of caffeine, but I can have it every once in a while for, you know, for... | ||
| Do you not go with caffeine because caffeine kills your buzz? | ||
| Oh, that's a good point. | ||
| No, no, I'll have like a, you know, I'll have like a fancy, like this time of year, I'll like to have like a pumpkin latte every once in a while or something. | ||
| Ooh, those are delicious. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't really, I'm just not a coffee person, but I'm more specifically not a diet soda person anymore. | ||
| I got totally off of that. | ||
| Have you ever tried energy drinks? | ||
| I stay away from all that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I just go with, you know... | ||
| Whatever you naturally feel. | ||
| When I'm tired, that's time to go to bed. | ||
| That's probably a smart way to do it. | ||
| I'm usually not in a position where I have to force myself to stay up, you know? | ||
| And smoking pot sort of keeps me, you know, if it's a sativa, it sort of keeps me up anyway. | ||
| So you just avoid all stimulants? | ||
| Well, I drink alcohol, so... | ||
| Yeah, that's a depressant though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| But I mean, just in terms of... | ||
| Have you ever fucked with Adderall? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, I really haven't fucked with much. | ||
| I've only done, you know, mushrooms a few times and E a couple of times. | ||
| That's about it. | ||
| I'm mostly just pot and alcohol. | ||
| A lot of people love that Adderall, man. | ||
| A lot of people love that for getting shit done. | ||
| I think if I could get a supply of it, I would probably take it a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, but I'm not even going to look. | ||
| How damaging do you think it is for you? | ||
| I don't think it's bad. | ||
| I think if you use it in moderation, I think it's great. | ||
| It's one of those that's kind of hard to use in moderation. | ||
| I think people seem to like it a lot. | ||
| I think Brian's the kind of guy that, for me, if I masturbate, it's usually like I can go to sleep right after that, but I imagine Brian would masturbate and then want to stay up late enough to be able to masturbate again. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You get bummed out that it makes you sleepy, and so you need some sort of energy thing to power through to the next one. | ||
| I want you to try some of this. | ||
| Life is short. | ||
| I want you to try this alpha brain shit. | ||
| I will, right now? | ||
| No, I'll give it to you after the show. | ||
| But what's it going to do to me? | ||
| The way it helps me is it makes me feel like my brain works better. | ||
| It makes me feel cleaner, like I have a little bit more energy, a little bit more... | ||
| It feels like things are firing better, you know? | ||
| There's a bunch of different interesting ingredients in it. | ||
| All of them have been used by people for hundreds, if not thousands of years. | ||
| And it's basically vitamins for brain function. | ||
| But it doesn't feel like it would be something that you've ever like, oh, I need some of that now? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't have that profound an effect. | ||
| Quite honestly, it's like most vitamins. | ||
| I believe in vitamins and I think it's very important to take care of your body and give it a lot of nutrients and stuff. | ||
| Most vitamins don't have an immediate effect. | ||
| You take vitamins, you have an overall sense of, I'm doing the right thing, and I'm putting good food in my body, and maybe you might feel like you have a little bit more energy, but the effects of having a lack of nutrients, it's slow and long. | ||
| It's not like you take vitamins and then all of a sudden, I feel amazing! | ||
| No, it's like if you do have a good nutritional base, you will feel better. | ||
| If you are taking nutrients, your body will be working better, and it will work better. | ||
| And this works along those lines. | ||
| These are nutrients that help your brain function. | ||
| They help you think better. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I want you to try it. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain and enter the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off. | ||
| And then you can get your freak on. | ||
| You get rubber pussies. | ||
| You get yourself some brain pills. | ||
| We're still doing commercials? | ||
| I'm going to complain about this. | ||
| This is how we do it. | ||
| I want to be on the record. | ||
| I'm going to tweet you guys. | ||
| Long fucking commercials. | ||
| Press to play and let's get the party rolling. | ||
| Super stoner Doug Benson's in the house, bitches. | ||
| Experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | |
| Let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The reason why that commercial went so long is we're way too high to be talking publicly. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That was ridiculous. | ||
| I see what you're saying, folks. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| I'm on your side now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm just talking shit. | ||
| Fire up the vaporizer. | ||
| Let's do some more commercials. | ||
| Yeah, we're not sure if this thing works yet. | ||
| We're going to give it another few minutes because it still has red. | ||
| Yeah, I'm excited about it though. | ||
| Apparently it takes like 10 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a vaporizer slash bong type device. | ||
| I could barely do a show these days where somebody doesn't show up with some new fangled thing they want me to try. | ||
| These wacky kids these days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, gotta love them. | |
| I'm saying unable to connect to the internet, Brian. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| So people are complaining about these long-form commercials that we're doing. | ||
| And I don't mean to do that to you folks, but there's just no other way to do it. | ||
| I don't know how to... | ||
| I'm not going to say the same thing every day exactly. | ||
| That's too fucking boring. | ||
| Well, you could tell the guests to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I'm just saying, if you want it to go quicker. | ||
| But I thought that was fine. | ||
| That felt to me like... | ||
| That's part of the show. | ||
| And people like long podcasts. | ||
| So you're just giving them... | ||
| Just tell them, I'm giving you more, fucker. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Yes, but it's because of money. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| That's why it freaks them out. | ||
| You're making money. | ||
| Like, you motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, but you're like totally... | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Everyone's saying whatever they want about the product. | ||
| It's not like they're just sitting... | ||
| It's not like we're a ShamWow guy or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who tries to say funny things and they're just ridiculous. | ||
| Martini, bikini, linguini. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Does the Shamwai have a podcast? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would like to have. | ||
| He was in jail for beating a girl or something. | ||
| I think everyone has podcasts now. | ||
| It's kind of scary. | ||
| Didn't some chick, like a hooker, bite his tongue or something? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| Man! | ||
| A hooker bites your tongue, dude. | ||
| You've hit a wall in life. | ||
| Sham-ow! | ||
| You have hit a fucking wall in life. | ||
| When a hooker bites your tongue. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty brutal. | ||
| What a disaster. | ||
| You know, because human bites are, like, dangerous. | ||
| They're dangerous. | ||
| They're, like, really toxic. | ||
| We have nasty mouths. | ||
| We're, like, as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than most wild animals. | ||
| Yeah, I have a yeast infection in my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you keep having yeast infections, man? | |
| When is it going to stop? | ||
| Do you go down on your girl when she has a yeast infection? | ||
| Why don't you drink a cranberry juice? | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Have you ever gone down on a girl who has a yeast infection? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I have no idea what a yeast infection is. | ||
| There's a lot of girls right now that are getting angry at this conversation. | ||
| Tastes like bread when you do that. | ||
| This is a subject. | ||
| Delicious bread. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or beer. | ||
| It's like fish bread. | ||
| This is a subject that makes women angry. | ||
| It makes them really angry. | ||
| It's just like men are talking about it. | ||
| Beer fucked a girl with a urinary tract infection where it's like, you know, like... | ||
| Oh, that's where cranberry juice goes in. | ||
| Blood's just juicing everywhere. | ||
| And it's like black blood and it smells like vinegar or something. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I don't see why women wouldn't enjoy this conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gotta be a tough thing to take care of, you know? | ||
| Oh, it's so much maintenance. | ||
| It's the difference between washing a car and being a mechanic. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like men just have to keep their fucking car washed. | ||
| Keep your car washed, wax the hood, boom, you're done. | ||
| Women have a fucking whole internal thing in there. | ||
| They gotta get in there. | ||
| They gotta get under the hood. | ||
| Catch mechanism for loads. | ||
| They're fucking kangaroos. | ||
| A human factory inside their box. | ||
| They have a human factory in there. | ||
| I mean, shit. | ||
| We got a crank shaft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We have balls that make loads. | ||
| That's what we have. | ||
| And those loads make people. | ||
| It's really no big deal for us. | ||
| They have a human making machine inside their vagina. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What's up, Doug? | ||
| Doug, where have you been? | ||
| All over the place. | ||
| You've been on the road like nine stop lately, right? | ||
| I can't even remember. | ||
| Like every time I'm in LA, somebody goes, "Where were you last weekend?" I don't know. | ||
| I went some places. | ||
| Are you a constant road guy? | ||
| Flagstaff in Phoenix last weekend. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm really going where I want to go when I want to go there. | ||
| Like for the next couple months, I'm only playing gigs in California and Florida to avoid winter weather. | ||
| Do you have plants? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, no. | ||
| But I'm home. | ||
| I've kind of gotten into a pattern in my career of always trying to be home for a few days, then out for a few days. | ||
| I never go away for a long time or stay home for a long time. | ||
| I just sort of... | ||
| The go away for a couple days and come back is the best way. | ||
| When people go out for like three months at a time, all they do is tour. | ||
| You might as well be in a band if you're going to do that. | ||
| Yeah, I watched that Dane Cook tourgasm, where he and all those guys, Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Those three poor guys. | ||
| Yeah, they all went touring around. | ||
| They went touring around. | ||
| I like all those guys, and I feel so bad for them. | ||
| Because they do stuff like, today we're going to go ride horses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To see what wackiness happens. | ||
| And then Robert Kelly falls off the fucking horse and breaks his arm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just like, ugh, you didn't even need to go horseback riding. | ||
| You could have just been hanging out in a condo like you would if you were out doing your own gig somewhere. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did Robert Kelly break his arm? | ||
| Yeah, or twisted it or something. | ||
| Because during a lot of tourgasm, he has some sort of cast or sling on his arm, I think. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| I remember there was an audio that they were playing on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| He was talking about his knee, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He hurt his knee. | ||
| He broke his knee. | ||
| I broke my knee, man! | ||
| I broke my knee, man! | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, yes. | ||
| I mean, maybe I'm, you know, just confusing everything. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| But those guys, like, that had to be really stressful to go on the road. | ||
| I only did it once with that Charlie Murphy thing. | ||
| Me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron. | ||
| And it was not the most fun because we weren't doing well, like, ticket sales. | ||
| We didn't do well in a lot of places. | ||
| Like, the promotion wasn't the best. | ||
| So a lot of people had no idea we were even in their towns. | ||
| It turned out that we only did well in the places where I already did well and Charlie already did well. | ||
| It wasn't really a really well-produced sort of thing. | ||
| It was such a blur too. | ||
| I don't remember anything. | ||
| I don't remember what city was what and what club Unfortunately, this was before social media. | ||
| We didn't have Twitter or anything like that. | ||
| Can you imagine us having a stream show during that? | ||
| Oh, it would have been so fun. | ||
| It would have been really fun to be in a different town. | ||
| We were literally in a different town every night. | ||
| We would wake up, stare at the ceiling, going, what the fuck, where am I? The shows were awesome. | ||
| It starts to blur together, for sure, the hotels and the airlines and the airports. | ||
| The shows were awesome, but it just wasn't financial success. | ||
| It didn't do well. | ||
| It only did well in like half the places. | ||
| Is there a city that you don't like performing in? | ||
| Like you just think, oh, the crowds always suck there? | ||
| Because people always ask me about that. | ||
| I always have a great time everywhere I go. | ||
| Well, you bring your own people now. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But even as an opening act for other comics, I never was like, oh, this city, they don't like me as much as other cities. | ||
| Sometimes you get a bad crowd, but I don't find one city to be like, oh, that place, the crowds are always really stupid or... | ||
| You know, like, some places they skew old. | ||
| Like, I don't do well in Atlantic City because the crowds are just too old. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and they're just like, what the hell is he talking about? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Atlantic City is a tricky place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a tricky place. | ||
| I've done, what is that big theater there? | ||
| We did that? | ||
| At the Borgata? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did that a couple times. | ||
| It's a tricky place. | ||
| There's a lot of old people. | ||
| It's a strange thing. | ||
| It's sort of like trying to be Vegas, but it's just a hair seedier, just a hair weirder, hair more possibility of murder in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Just a hair more. | ||
| It's, you know, it's... | ||
| It caters to New Jersey and Philadelphia and everything around there. | ||
| It's more like a localized... | ||
| People come from all over the world for Vegas, but if someone's coming from really far away, why are they going to Atlantic City? | ||
| That'd be a weird choice. | ||
| And Atlantic City is essentially surrounded by dangerous cities. | ||
| Vegas is essentially in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| You get past Barstow and what the fuck is it? | ||
| It's just a bunch of weird towns that don't make any sense. | ||
| That drive to Vegas is the real America, though. | ||
| It's a strange drive, but that drive to Vegas, that's the real America. | ||
| Atlantic City, you have to go through Camden. | ||
| You pass through the outskirts of South Philly. | ||
| There's a lot of places around Atlantic City that are filled with craziness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Criminals! | |
| Like, serious criminals, man. | ||
| I mean, they had a fucking big billboard in Newark when we were there for the UFC. A big billboard that said, stop killing the teachers. | ||
| Stop killing the teachers. | ||
| Is there a big teacher murder thing going on? | ||
| Dude, I don't know, but the fact, there must be something. | ||
| I mean, otherwise, why would you make a goddamn billboard about it saying stop killing the teachers? | ||
| And then, you know, my joke, of course, was the people who are killing the teachers probably can't read. | ||
| It's just, you know, it's not really helping. | ||
| And by the way, they're going to look at that and go, no. | ||
| You know, I'm here to kill the teacher. | ||
| Might even encourage them a little bit. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That's a scary, scary place. | ||
| Newark is a spooky place. | ||
| I lived in Newark for a couple years. | ||
| I lived there when I was a little kid, and then I lived there again when I was an adult for, I think, about six months. | ||
| I stayed with my grandfather when I first moved to New York. | ||
| I couldn't afford my own place and I got signed by this management company and so I had to relocate to New York. | ||
| So I just balls up, picked up my shit, whatever money I had in the bank and just went. | ||
| I was gone in like two weeks. | ||
| So I had to stay with my grandfather. | ||
| And he lived on North 9th Street in Newark, New Jersey. | ||
| And I'm telling you, man, you might as well have been in another country. | ||
| It is a crazy little spot, man. | ||
| There's a lot going on there, man. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| It's like it's a completely different vibe. | ||
| I've only gone through there on a train. | ||
| I don't think I've set foot in there. | ||
| They did this thing called blockbusting. | ||
| This is what they used to do. | ||
| This is how real estate guys made money. | ||
| It's a really devious practice. | ||
| They would go into a neighborhood and say, hey, black people are moving in. | ||
| You better sell now because your property value is going to crash. | ||
| By the time they move in, you're going to be fucked. | ||
| You're going to lose your investment. | ||
| So a lot of people bought into it, and a lot of people just took off. | ||
| Sure enough, boom, it crashed whole neighborhoods. | ||
| They did it on purpose. | ||
| They did it to try to make money. | ||
| And my grandfather was like, fuck you. | ||
| I like black people. | ||
| I'm going to stay right here. | ||
| This is my house. | ||
| I bought this house. | ||
| And he watched this neighborhood turn from being an all-Italian neighborhood To being an all-black neighborhood, and then it became like all Spanish. | ||
| You know, like various different kinds of, you know, people from Puerto Rico, people from all different nationalities, but a lot of Spanish people now. | ||
| So it was really almost like a kid watched this whole thing where he was in this old-school America, you know, 1940s, and then boom, all of a sudden he's living in a modern age where everything has just gone crazy around him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet Mitt Romney's done some of that blockbusting. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That scumbag. | ||
| That seems like that's in his wheelhouse. | ||
| You ever seen blockbusting porn? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'd be blockbusting for Jesus. | |
| Or blockbusting for Joseph Smith. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure he's a swell guy. | ||
| We're just joking around, folks. | ||
| I'm sure Mitt Romney's aces. | ||
| I'm sure he's aces. | ||
| You know what he says about... | ||
| Right now he's saying that they should just... | ||
| Everyone should just go ahead and go bankrupt on all houses. | ||
| Everyone should just lose their house and let the market decide what happens to everybody. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That's his strategy. | ||
| Just let everybody... | ||
| Don't loan any money to anybody. | ||
| Is that his real statement? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, let the foreclosure process happen. | |
| It's like being raped. | ||
| Just lay back and let it happen. | ||
| And don't struggle. | ||
| The ultimate acceptance that, as a unit, we're only as strong as our weakest link. | ||
| If you're working towards things as the leader, if you're supposed to be the number one guy, you're at the top calling all the shots, the number one thing you have to take care of is the weakest of the links. | ||
| That's the people that are fucked up. | ||
| The weakest of the links. | ||
| The people that are down and out. | ||
| The people that are homeless. | ||
| The people that don't know where their next meal is coming from. | ||
| You've got to take care of them. | ||
| You've got to figure that out. | ||
| Yeah, and that's the problem with our politics in this country is those people are not paying for the politicians. | ||
| They're not making the contributions that keep them taking. | ||
| Isn't that racist, though? | ||
| It's not racist. | ||
| There's a lot of poor white people. | ||
| Oh yeah, the poverty level right now is so ridiculous. | ||
| You go to Kentucky, brother, it doesn't matter, man. | ||
| It doesn't matter, white or black. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's not about that. | ||
| It's about people that are in despair. | ||
| For anyone to say that they should just suffer, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Some people can't do it on their own, man. | ||
| Some people need a little help. | ||
| Some people need to be shown how. | ||
| We need a nation with someone who's an actual guide, someone who can offer real guidance. | ||
| And now they're not doing that, man. | ||
| It's just a money grab. | ||
| It's a money grab by all these fucking corporate whores. | ||
| And all these people who have paid for these politicians to be in place and paid for these laws to be in place are just reaping the profits while the rest of us freak the fuck out because we can't figure out why the resources are going the way they're going. | ||
| We're going, why are you there? | ||
| Why do we have 100,000 fucking troops here? | ||
| Why do we have troops here? | ||
| Why don't we conserve our fucking resources? | ||
| Why is that... | ||
| The biggest section of our economy. | ||
| Why does it have to be this military-industrial complex? | ||
| Why do we have to be doing this? | ||
| This idea to keep us safe. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about, man? | ||
| Keep the troops here. | ||
| Let them guard. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You want to keep us safe? | ||
| Put them all over the place. | ||
| Yeah, have troops all over the outskirts of the fucking country. | ||
| That's how you keep it safe. | ||
| This is preemptive shit, man. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| The whole thing freaks me out. | ||
| It freaks me out because I can't believe it's this bad in 2011. I was listening to a Robert Anton Wilson lecture. | ||
| It was in 1993. He was talking about how war is in the process of being phased out. | ||
| And he was talking about how in the future it's obviously being phased out. | ||
| And I wonder what he would have said now, today, thinking about that like in 1993. That in 1993 I thought war was going to be phased out too. | ||
| We all thought it was over. | ||
| We got through that whole crazy desert storm thing under Bush and... | ||
| All of a sudden, here we are, and it's 2011, and it's crazier than ever. | ||
| I wonder what he would have said then. | ||
| I mean, is it being phased out? | ||
| Because it doesn't seem like it's being phased out. | ||
| No, it seems like it's heating up, like we may be pulling it out of a couple places, but going into new ones. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| If there's something else going on, let me know, alright? | ||
| If Indiana Jones has found the fucking Lost Temple, and the Ark of the Covenant is in there, and you have to keep the bad guys from getting to it, because, you know, if not, it would be hell on earth. | ||
| And hopefully there's no snakes. | ||
| Yeah, fucking please let me know, because otherwise, this is crazy. | ||
| Otherwise, this is crazy. | ||
| And it's just so obvious that there's money behind all this shit. | ||
| It's so obvious. | ||
| We live in the grossest, most corrupt country ever. | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| Not ever, of course. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure a lot of Middle Eastern countries, a lot of South American countries, they're pretty corrupt, too. | ||
| But the fact that we're this wonky... | ||
| You know, and then everybody wants to stand up and say, well, if you don't fucking like it, you should get out. | ||
| If you don't like it, you should leave America. | ||
| You know, like, there's so many rah-rah-rah fans out there. | ||
| Not liking it is what the whole country's been built upon. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That was the idea, is that everybody gets to contribute. | ||
| It's called a democracy, and we're all supposed to participate and help one another. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now it's just like, it's becoming so every man for himself that... | ||
| The disparity between the richest 1% and the poorest people, it's just insane, the difference. | ||
| It's a goddamn money grab out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a money grab out there, left and right. | ||
| So are all the Occupy's right now being shut down? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Each city's kind of treating it differently. | ||
| There's a few cities that are really embracing it. | ||
| Yeah, like Portland, right? | ||
| In LA, it's not really a problem. | ||
| The original one I heard got shut down. | ||
| Yeah, I heard some crazy shit that they were keeping reporters out and they were forcing reporters out of the area. | ||
| They said it was for their own safety. | ||
| These reporters were like, that's insulting. | ||
| Bloomberg cleared everybody out. | ||
| They're all intense. | ||
| And they went through and told everybody they had 10 minutes to get out at 1 a.m. | ||
| on Tuesday. | ||
| And, you know, they used quite a bit of force to get everybody out of there. | ||
| And now they're letting people back in, but they're saying they can't have tents and sleeping bags. | ||
| Like, you can go back in and just stand there. | ||
| And the idea is they figure that that's going to kill the movement a little bit because it's getting so cold. | ||
| And they won't be able to last through the winter. | ||
| But Bloomberg keeps saying it's a safety issue. | ||
| And also that they have the right to peaceably assemble, but they don't have a right to have a tent or a sleeping bag. | ||
| Which is just kind of like, well, but that's so that they can assemble peaceably and not just all freeze to death in the middle of the fucking park in New York. | ||
| Like, why would they want casualties or why would they want people to suffer that much, you know, in order to just express their, you know, anger at Wall Street? | ||
| I mean, I think it's fantastic that it's that it that that it's happening everywhere. | ||
| You know, that there's, you know, there's Occupy Dubuque and stuff like that, but also this new. | ||
| Bloomberg doing this, if he had just let it be, the movement might have died. | ||
| But it brought this whole new media storm and all this new footage of cops just beating up these people that don't look like hippies. | ||
| They're not all in tie-dye. | ||
| They're just people that are just concerned and showing up to... | ||
| To make a mark. | ||
| They're holding hand by hand. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| That's just insane. | ||
| I can't believe that as a fellow person, just being able to do that to that girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little girl. | |
| What he's saying is they were jabbing him with batons. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And Bloomberg, he makes it all about... | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| He makes it all about keeping people of New York safe by kicking everybody out of there. | ||
| And it's like when they're in their tents, who is in danger? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| But as soon as they're spraying pepper spray. | ||
| Well, maybe he's worried about people freezing to death. | ||
| I don't think he is. | ||
| I think he just... | ||
| I don't think he is either, but it is sort of a legal concern that... | ||
| If someone freezes to death on your lawn, who's responsible for that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, it's certainly not his lawn. | ||
| It's like a public park that's privately owned. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's owned by some corporation. | ||
| Is it also public safety, though? | ||
| That's the argument. | ||
| His argument was that people can't enjoy the park if the park is full of people that are just there to protest. | ||
| But it's like, hey, it's New York City. | ||
| Walk two blocks and enjoy that other park. | ||
| It's just one fucking park. | ||
| But I think what... | ||
| There's definitely two sides to it, but it just feels like what Bloomberg did sort of energized the movement in a way that might not have happened if he did just let it play out. | ||
| How would anybody expect them to behave, though? | ||
| They've got to figure out a way to squash this, and they have to take drastic measures. | ||
| That's why they go through in the middle of the night, everybody's fucking half asleep, and they go in there and just say, you've got to go now, get out. | ||
| But there's footage of cops lifting guys up and throwing them over the barricade and stuff. | ||
| And the cops, for the most part, I like to say they're doing what they're told to do. | ||
| I don't like to blame the cops. | ||
| Yeah, they're doing what they're told to do, but when they're doing it, all of a sudden the people that don't want to listen become the enemy. | ||
| They become bad guys. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a bouncer with a drunk person in a club. | ||
| Like, when that drunk person is belligerent, then it gets violent. | ||
| But these people aren't bad guys. | ||
| They should, like, let them still occupy, like, the trees. | ||
| Like, they should be allowed to, like, live in the trees in the park so that the park could still be... | ||
| That's a fantastic idea. | ||
| Yeah, but then what if a hippie falls on you while you're walking your dog? | ||
| Then you have some real safety issues. | ||
| Yeah, they have to have some safety, like, people that check it out, but then they become Ewoks in a couple months, and... | ||
| The idea is to cause some inconvenience and draw some attention. | ||
| You don't get together and protest something and do it super politely. | ||
| Imagine if that's where sloths came from. | ||
| They were originally people. | ||
| They were just so fucking stupid. | ||
| They eventually just became these clawed things. | ||
| They degenerated to that point. | ||
| Imagine if someone proved that. | ||
| That's why Sloth is like, you know, that's like a sin. | ||
| That's one of the sins, the basic sins, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| Sloth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what was that movie with Brad Pitt? | ||
| Seven with a seven instead of a V. Yeah. | ||
| That's a good movie. | ||
| That's a good fucking movie. | ||
| It's a creepy movie. | ||
| That one dude, the sloth guy, was sitting hunched over the table. | ||
| It was the first time where I saw a body where they had makeup where it was blue. | ||
| It's been sitting there for a while. | ||
| They did a good job. | ||
| Dead thing. | ||
| It looked dead as fuck. | ||
| Do you ever do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Get makeup like that on you just for fun? | ||
| Like, it looks like your stomach's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No. | ||
| I don't do a lot of things just for fun. | ||
| I'm no Brian Redman. | ||
| Brian Redman lives just for fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The things you do. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| You got a Dragon's Lair shirt on. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| I went to a comic book store the other day because I've been hearing all this shit about how comic book stores are just hurting right now. | ||
| They're suffering the most with this whole economy. | ||
| People aren't buying comics anymore. | ||
| They don't have any free money where kids are downloading comics now. | ||
| So I decided there's one in Burbank that I've always driven by. | ||
| It's like, I might check it out. | ||
| Maybe I can find a cool poster for the studio or something. | ||
| So I went in there and I just, I was in there for like three hours. | ||
| It's the best store ever. | ||
| You bought a bunch of stuff. | ||
| A bunch of just like random things. | ||
| It was so cheap. | ||
| It was like, posters were like $7. | ||
| I was like, I never get a chance to brag about this, but I worked at the arcade that had the very first Dragon's Lair, the test one, before it went public, and I probably killed the dragon. | ||
| I was probably maybe the 30th or 40th person in the world to get all the way to the end and kill the dragon. | ||
| Because I would stay at night when I was off duty, and I had keys to the place, and I would just stay in there and play and play and play until I finally got to the dragon. | ||
| You know, figured it all out and killed the dragon. | ||
| And, you know, and then eventually it went, you know, went public. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| All over the place. | ||
| You just gave me the biggest nerd boner. | ||
| In San Diego, I worked in an arcade called Starport. | ||
| It was in a mall. | ||
| But when you walked in, there was all this corrugated tin and stuff that simulates, kind of like you're going into like Space Mountain or something. | ||
| And there's like stars on the ceiling. | ||
| It was kind of a cool themed arcade. | ||
| Refresh my memory, because I remember the Dragon's Lair was like this really cool animated thing where, you know, you would go... | ||
| But you would have to move certain ways to... | ||
| There was a series of scenes that would happen on the screen, you know, like an animated movie. | ||
| It looked like a Don Lutheran Disney movie. | ||
| And you had like, you know, I think you had a regular toggle thing and then a couple of buttons... | ||
| Yeah, it's a joystick and an action button. | ||
| And usually it started off like you're walking down a bridge, and then a snake comes up. | ||
| And you have to think, what would you want to do? | ||
| Either take the sword to the snake or left? | ||
| But it was more of a guessing game. | ||
| It was more like you had to try every combination of things to do. | ||
| There's one part where you're like... | ||
| You're in a cave roaring down a river in a raft or something, and you can go to the right or the left, and so if you toggle to the right, you go the rest of the way without encountering anything, but if you go the other way, something goes wrong and you lose a life or something. | ||
| There's just a bunch of options through the whole thing. | ||
| Until finally you get to and kill the dragon. | ||
| But yeah, it was weird because it was early enough in video games where it wasn't like you could really make the things do that much. | ||
| Because also it was pre-animated and there weren't a lot of options. | ||
| So as long as you did the right thing, you move forward or there would be a scene of you failing. | ||
| They have it on the iPad I believe now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's my dream is to get an original Dragon's Lair arcade game. | ||
| And my friend actually just got one and I'm so jealous. | ||
| That's your dream? | ||
| That was one of my, like, you know, like you have dream things, like gold shorts. | ||
| I went to gold shorts circuit. | ||
| I think you would get really bored of it today, man. | ||
| But also, yeah, let me give you also another reason to not be jealous. | ||
| Here's the reason to not be jealous is because when that thing breaks down, there's nobody that can fix it. | ||
| I already have a laser displayer at my house, brand new, just waiting to replace it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| LaserDisc. | ||
| Wait, you're good enough with that kind of stuff that you can install the... | ||
| A couple of my friends, that's what they do for a living, the arcade restoration. | ||
| Is that work on LaserDisc? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's a LaserDisc, actually. | ||
| So the game is a LaserDisc? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Essentially, yeah, with just different... | ||
| When you toggle the correct way or you push the button the right way, it goes into a different chapter. | ||
| But honestly, nowadays, you can mod arcade games. | ||
| I could hook up a computer to it and have every single arcade game ever. | ||
| You know, so you don't even need the laser displayer anymore using ROMs. | ||
| How many options were there for movement? | ||
| That's what I don't remember. | ||
| I just remember it being completely groundbreaking, like, whoa, this is like, it's like an animated movie. | ||
| This is amazing! | ||
| It was just joystick and one button. | ||
| That's all it was? | ||
| Yeah, if I recall. | ||
| Yeah, you just kind of like are always kind of moving to the left or the right or in the case of like throwing the sword into the dragon, I think you had to just press the button and motion in that direction at the same time. | ||
| Yeah, Laserdisc games of the 80s were one of my favorite things ever. | ||
| He had that mock It was really cool because it was also using a laser display. | ||
| It was new. | ||
| They had Space Ace which was also done by Don Bluth who did Dragon's Lair. | ||
| And there was one game, they started taking Japanese cartoon movies and making them video games. | ||
| Malibu Grand Prix had a, it was a racetrack thing in the Midwest where they had a whole arcade division. | ||
| So they took these animated movies and one was called Space 666, it was like about a train. | ||
| And it was the coolest video game because you were on top of a train It was like Dragon's Lair, and it was like a spy movie. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| No, I remember this. | ||
| But that style of game didn't really catch on. | ||
| It didn't really become... | ||
| It was big briefly in the 80s. | ||
| I mean, it didn't become a lot of them, you know, like there's Pac-Man and then everything that's sort of like Pac-Man. | ||
| I vaguely remember that. | ||
| I vaguely remember that on an arcade. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This was about 85, 86. I don't think I ever saw that. | ||
| I only saw, I remember Space Ace and feeling like it was already like, oh, well, that's not Dragon's Lair. | ||
| That's just an attempt to be like Dragon's Lair. | ||
| Home computer games must have just crushed video arcades, right? | ||
| It did when Nintendo finally came out. | ||
| Do they still have a big video arcade? | ||
| Do you remember when we used to go to just video arcades? | ||
| You'd open the door and it was just all fucking... | ||
| Now it's always with something else or in a weird place like an airport or a casino. | ||
| What are those Dave& Buster type places? | ||
| Yeah, they have a room of games. | ||
| They also have to have food and drinks and pool tables and... | ||
| Shuffleboard. | ||
| No place is just video games, except for there's one joint in Portland that's like a whole arcade that's just all old school shit. | ||
| Of course it's in Portland. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Of course it's in Portland. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I told you about my friend that does the restorations, Brian Penzone, Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| His whole basement... | ||
| He made an 80s arcade room. | ||
| So you walk down, it's like you walk down into 1980. Oh, wow. | ||
| And so it's amazing, and it's huge. | ||
| So he decorated it like Wayne's World style? | ||
| Everything, like those little pink neon that's always at the top, you know, from the 80s. | ||
| As soon as Brian Posehn made a nickel in show business, he and his buddy Dave Rath bought a... | ||
| A combination. | ||
| It was half and half, Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga. | ||
| I just spent hours over his house playing Galaga. | ||
| Galaga's the shit. | ||
| I'm pretty good at Galaga. | ||
| And then he also got a Joust slash Robotron. | ||
| And I'm really good at Robotron. | ||
| It was another one that I... You know, I just worked in an arcade, so I just played games all day. | ||
| Kids would come up to me and they'd be like, can I get some tokens? | ||
| And I'd be like, hang on a second, kid. | ||
| You know, and I'd finish the round, then I'd throw them some tokens, and then I'd go back to playing. | ||
| Like, it was the craziest job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I went one of those cocktail tables for the studio. | |
| Oh, those are great! | ||
| I went one of those cocktail table Pac-Man Joust games or whatever. | ||
| I used to have those, like, while you're waiting around, like, in a pizza hut or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You could sit down, or, like, sit down table pinball was also kind of cool. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's a place near me that the movie theater has an arcade. | ||
| It has a little entry room where you can go and play video games while you're waiting for your movie. | ||
| I just like the look of it. | ||
| I like the style of arcade games. | ||
| I don't even play it much. | ||
| I have a Pac-Man at the studio and I barely ever play it. | ||
| I just like the lights of it. | ||
| I like just the look of it. | ||
| It's relaxing. | ||
| It's a goddamn Leonard Skinner poster. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It relaxes you when you're heat-up melons. | |
| I get turned on by these video game commercials, man. | ||
| I get turned on by these video game commercials, but not to the point where I'll go out and get it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I won't allow myself. | ||
| I just know that I will... | ||
| Any new video game... | ||
| I sort of kicked it. | ||
| I just stopped doing it altogether after Mario Kart. | ||
| I used to play that day and night, and then... | ||
| After a while, you're just like, what is getting great at this going to do for me? | ||
| It's fun, but holy shit. | ||
| You're getting tricked. | ||
| It's the trick. | ||
| You're getting tricked into doing something absolutely stupid with your time. | ||
| It hijacks your whole idea, your reward system. | ||
| You're succeeding. | ||
| Yes, yes, accomplishing. | ||
| You're focused. | ||
| You're in on it. | ||
| But really, you're not even in the real world. | ||
| You're getting all these signals from this fake world. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like watching a movie to me nowadays. | ||
| It's like watching a movie to me. | ||
| I want to escape reality, but I want to have more control of the movie. | ||
| So that's kind of why I do... | ||
| I don't watch as many movies anymore. | ||
| When you have interactive video games, there's a lot of thinking involved. | ||
| Especially if you're playing like... | ||
| If you're playing Counter-Strike or something like that or playing Quake or any of those... | ||
| Or like John Madden, you've got to know a shitload about all the players and stuff. | ||
| There's a lot of thinking going on. | ||
| Your synapses are firing. | ||
| Whether or not you choose to think that they're firing on something useful or not, that's really sort of an arbitrary decision. | ||
| You can't say that... | ||
| This person isn't actually training their mind through intense video games. | ||
| Because you're doing intense video games, you're multitasking. | ||
| Your synapses are firing. | ||
| You're moving your fingers. | ||
| In first-person shooters, you have to be in direct coordination with your left hand, which moves your keys, and your right hand, which controls the mouse. | ||
| There's a lot of shit going on. | ||
| You can't tell me that that's not exercise for your mind. | ||
| I played a lot of GoldenEye, too, now that I think of it. | ||
| You know they re-released that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| They re-released that game. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| It was the first James Bond, like the first pretty cool... | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| You know, run around, grab different weapons. | ||
| First person shooter type thing. | ||
| Yeah, but they'd have, you know, you could play four people at a time, so me and Posehn and two other people would just sit there for hours chasing each other around, trying to shoot each other. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The whole staff on news radio, the entire writing staff, was addicted to Quake. | ||
| And they had a LAN set up, a local area network set up in the office where they had like six, seven computers all linked up together and they would have these mad Quake tournaments. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was really fucking fun. | ||
| It was, unfortunately though, hugely addictive. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I would get really stuck playing where I was like, you know, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the morning, alright, I gotta go home. | ||
| I could make myself drive home because we're all playing. | ||
| When I worked at Gateway, all the tech guys with all the Gateway stores in Columbus, we used to have LAN parties. | ||
| Every Friday we'd just get alcohol and we'd all have shuttles or small little portable computers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We'll bring our computers, our cantaloupes, and then we would just sit there and play Battlefield or whatever for like hours until like 5 in the morning. | ||
| Local area networks are fun. | ||
| We used to do that in the Quake clan that I was in. | ||
| We would get together in Houston, Texas. | ||
| Most of those guys lived in Houston. | ||
| So we would go to Houston and have these local area network parties set up, all the computers set up in this room. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| I've seen places... | ||
| That was a thing they tried to do. | ||
| Make it a huge... | ||
| Also, you could sit down and just have a LAN party every time you hang out there. | ||
| Dude, if we do... | ||
| And do a podcast during that. | ||
| I'll have a real problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, how can you... | |
| It'd be hard to podcast while playing a game. | ||
| I'll play some. | ||
| If you want to put some Quake on there, I'll play some Quake once a week. | ||
| I'll open up the Dragon's Door. | ||
| I'll open up Pandora's Box. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be cool. | ||
| LAN party podcast. | ||
| I got to play pool. | ||
| I played pool last night with Don Marrera. | ||
| You did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Where? | ||
| Dom Herrera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Dom Herrera's a good pool player. | ||
| That's why you played with him? | ||
| Yeah, he's a buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I didn't know you knew him, but you just went to his house? | ||
| We met at a pool hall. | ||
| We met at a pool hall. | ||
| Where's the pool hall? | ||
| Because that's another thing that seems to be dying. | ||
| Yeah, it's not hard to find pool halls. | ||
| This was the House of Billiards in Sherman Oaks. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to find good places. | ||
| Vegas has the most good places. | ||
| Vegas still has 24-hour pool halls, which is an anomaly outside of Vegas. | ||
| It used to be, in New York, you could get 24-hour pool halls a lot. | ||
| There was Chelsea, Chelsea Billiards, and there was a bunch of other smaller places that were 24 hours. | ||
| I don't know how many of them are left, but Chelsea's gone and a lot of other big ones are gone. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| A 24-hour place to play a sport. | ||
| There's not many of those. | ||
| There's not like anything else. | ||
| The name pool really is all about gambling. | ||
| It's really pocket billiards. | ||
| It's called pool because everybody's pooling their money together and betting. | ||
| The fun in pool is all about money. | ||
| It's all about gambling. | ||
| And so you would go to these places, and the reason why they were open 24 hours a day is because no one ever wanted to leave. | ||
| They would just play and gamble. | ||
| Just trying to double up, and then you get down, and you try to get back up. | ||
| Guys would sleep under the tables. | ||
| It was so common that guys would stay there for two, three days. | ||
| Yeah, I would go and do gigs. | ||
| I'd come back, and the same guys would be there from the night before in the same clothes. | ||
| It's almost like a job for a lot of guys. | ||
| Yeah, and they would be gambling like crazy, but it was always fun. | ||
| It was always exciting. | ||
| The world of gambling and pool, if you're in an action room, it's fucking fun, man. | ||
| It's very addictive. | ||
| But again, it's just like the video game thing. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing by getting really good at putting balls in holes? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| And gambling illegally and getting in scrapes with guys because you don't... | ||
| You don't like cigarettes. | ||
| Hustling dudes. | ||
| For the most part, if everybody knew everybody, there was very few problems. | ||
| But there was always stories of, you know, this guy wanted his money back and he came at this guy with a fucking golf club. | ||
| There was always those stories. | ||
| I saw a few scuffles over the years of hanging out in pool halls. | ||
| But for the most part, when people paid, you know, if they wanted to keep gambling, they had to pay when they lost. | ||
| Because there was a gambler's ethic. | ||
| If you caused trouble when you lost and you were only happy when you won, nobody would gamble with you. | ||
| People didn't want to. | ||
| So they just naturally became guys who had good reputations and guys who didn't. | ||
| And if you didn't know the guy, don't play him. | ||
| But then Tom Cruise and Paul Newman showed up. | ||
| That was the big boom. | ||
| That's when people realized how fun it was. | ||
| But it's one of those things that's sort of getting lost in our culture. | ||
| When we were playing last night, there was a girl at a table next to us that was pretty good. | ||
| She could play pretty good. | ||
| And she was with her boyfriend who couldn't fucking play at all. | ||
| And she was humiliating him. | ||
| And he was trying, getting super upset. | ||
| But she didn't even try to help him. | ||
| His technique was fucking horrible. | ||
| His elbow was up in the air. | ||
| He was putting all kinds of extra spin on the ball. | ||
| He couldn't make a ball to save his life. | ||
| And the girl was just laughing at him and jumping up and down every time she won. | ||
| And you could see him getting fucking pissed. | ||
| Getting actually pissed off that she was bragging because she was winning this game. | ||
| You could see him almost want to hit her. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| There's some deep-seated shit in this game. | ||
| All competition between dudes and their girlfriends of any kind, it brings out some really weird shit. | ||
| Basketball, yeah. | ||
| Because as a man, you've got to win. | ||
| And against a woman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No matter how nice to the women you are and how much you respect them, it's still this weird... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, thing kicks in that's just hardwired. | ||
| Yeah, I was dating this chick. | ||
| This is how I got into pool. | ||
| I was dating this chick, and she was a little older than me, and she used to like to tell me what to do. | ||
| I didn't really like that, but I liked to fuck her. | ||
| So I stuck around for a little while. | ||
| But... | ||
| Because that was one of the things she'd tell you to do? | ||
| Yeah, we played pool once and she beat me playing pool. | ||
| I wasn't good, so I wouldn't say she was pretty good, but she beat me. | ||
| And so I said, oh shit, I found something she's good at. | ||
| She's better at me than this. | ||
| Well, this is terrible. | ||
| I have to fix this. | ||
| I have to fix this at once. | ||
| So I went to the pool hall and learned how to play pool. | ||
| I went and started practicing. | ||
| I went and I got a book on it. | ||
| I got my own cue. | ||
| I figured out how to play pool. | ||
| And then we played again and I killed her. | ||
| You pooted her? | ||
| Yeah, we played again. | ||
| I totally practiced, totally learned how to play pool. | ||
| I mean, I wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I knew how to play pool. | ||
| I was definitely way better than I was the first time we played. | ||
| And then I won. | ||
| So I had a problem that I couldn't let her have beaten me at something. | ||
| And this is how I got addicted playing pool. | ||
| I'm imagining you being like the zookeeper character as you're telling that story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Dude, I was totally like that guy. | ||
| Well, that was the dark days. | ||
| That was the actual fighting days. | ||
| The dark days, I was way crazier. | ||
| Yeah, I can't think of an example of something I taught myself to be better at to beat my girlfriend, but I'm sure it happened. | ||
| Yeah, I could not let her. | ||
| She was older than me, and she was smart. | ||
| There was no way. | ||
| She was a very educated person, too. | ||
| You know, she was a musician. | ||
| She had a lot of shit going on. | ||
| She ever wrote a song about you when you guys were dating? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That would have been cool if there was a song out there about you. | ||
| Yeah, it would probably be mean. | ||
| I can't guess. | ||
| She's a nice person. | ||
| Very nice person. | ||
| Do you still know her, sort of? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's very hard to stay in touch with people. | ||
| When you used to date them, they date other people. | ||
| They don't want some dude fucking calling and texting and emailing. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| Wish them the best. | ||
| Don't confuse everybody. | ||
| You can confuse the shit out of people. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, all of a sudden, you know, you're in a fight with your husband, and, you know, you're having email talks with your ex-boyfriend, and all of a sudden you start thinking, you know, maybe this guy and I could give it one more shot. | ||
| Maybe that's why... | ||
| It can create conflict, you know? | ||
| I think if it's an open forum only, then that's cool. | ||
| Like a Facebook wall... | ||
| Posts and stuff like that. | ||
| Like, hey, how you been? | ||
| We should hang out sometime or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| You could do it that way. | ||
| There's always some gamemanship or somebody wants something and then the trouble is that other people in your life start questioning what's going on and it sucks. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| Really, we should be able to just fuck everybody. | ||
| That's really ideal, but no one can handle that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No one can handle that. | |
| That would be so weird. | ||
| Brian Redman's the only person that could handle that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But could you imagine if the ego actually gets completely cured? | ||
| You can't have art then. | ||
| You're not going to have everything to say. | ||
| Art is like the struggle. | ||
| All the best jokes were to get laid. | ||
| Art is like the struggle. | ||
| Yeah, the best painter. | ||
| Art is like the struggle between the ego and the desire to produce something fantastic to please others. | ||
| And if you don't control the ego, you can't really produce art, but the fight with the ego is what fuels the art sometimes. | ||
| So if we had no ego, we'd have no art. | ||
| But people would just fuck randomly. | ||
| Everybody would just be able to fuck everybody. | ||
| You wouldn't worry about it. | ||
| It takes nerve to be an artist because you're basically saying that I can do this thing so well that people are going to want it. | ||
| Yeah, it's very arrogant. | ||
| Yeah, super arrogant, but it's also... | ||
| It starts out like you're just... | ||
| I get people asking me all the time... | ||
| How do you become a stand-up comic? | ||
| And I'm just like, you know, do it. | ||
| That's how you become one. | ||
| You just do it. | ||
| And then they're always like, yeah, but do you have any advice? | ||
| And I really, like, there's lots of little tiny pieces of advice that you can give if you want to sit with a person and talk to them for two weeks. | ||
| But big advice is just do it. | ||
| Yeah, never underestimate the power of actually fucking doing something. | ||
| Yeah, and also not, the fact that they're questioning it at all, the fact that they're looking to someone else for help to get started, makes you think that they, how are they ever going to make it because they don't want it badly enough. | ||
| They're not going to just do it. | ||
| Yeah, I never asked anybody. | ||
| All I asked is what you have to do to get on stage. | ||
| What do you have to do to get on stage? | ||
| That was my initial question. | ||
| But once I got in, you know, and started doing open mics, I just, you know, you figure it out by doing it. | ||
| It's total trial and error. | ||
| Yeah, no one's good. | ||
| No one's good. | ||
| No one that you know who thinks they're funny can go on stage and kill in front of a room full of strangers. | ||
| You might laugh if you think they're your buddy and they're up there yuck-yucking it up. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| It's a weird fucking way to communicate with people and it really is not all that it seems. | ||
| It's a very tricky sort of a craft that you have to learn and develop. | ||
| But you can do it. | ||
| Anybody can do it. | ||
| But nobody's good in the beginning. | ||
| Nobody's good in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah, or you get your laughs here and there, and that's encouraging. | ||
| You get a little chuckle here and there. | ||
| You feel like you're on to something, but you suck, dude. | ||
| We all suck. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Your first time is usually the best, too, within the next ten times. | ||
| But some people get an extra charisma bump, too, though. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I bet you the first sets of Bill Hicks, Eddie Murphy... | ||
| Spade started really early. | ||
| Rock started really early. | ||
| Those guys were probably pretty decent their first time out, just because it's that charismatic personality. | ||
| Well, I was talking about Joey Diaz, who's one of my favorite comedians of all time. | ||
| Joey is, in my opinion... | ||
| He's like, out of just sheer laugh-out-loud, fall-down moments, he's provided me with the most of any human being ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree. | |
| And Joey was not that good when I met him. | ||
| He was not that good on stage. | ||
| He just couldn't do it. | ||
| It was a real weird thing. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Well, he's just a hilarious dude. | ||
| I mean, he's hilarious talking about anything. | ||
| Yeah, but he... | ||
| And maybe he couldn't, you know, focus it into set-up punchline kind of... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or bits. | |
| He turned a fucking corner, man. | ||
| And I don't remember when it was, but I remember it was... | ||
| It was actually, I don't know, maybe three, four years in. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Three, four years into knowing him. | ||
| He turned this fucking corner and just started destroying Or maybe he just became more himself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he definitely did. | ||
| He just learned to be relaxed on stage. | ||
| I asked him what happened, and he was like, I just stopped giving a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He said, I stopped giving a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, not trying helps a lot. | ||
| Too many people telling him what to do, and he was like, fuck you, I want to do it my way. | ||
| And when he did that, boom, he was awesome. | ||
| But when he was trying to make everybody happy, he just couldn't... | ||
| He couldn't really be himself, you know? | ||
| Himself is the I don't give a fuck guy that tells the funny stories in the back of the comedy store. | ||
| And that's the guy that we all knew and loved. | ||
| But then on stage he figured out how to do it. | ||
| And that was, you know, that's the most dramatic out of my life of seeing someone go from not being good to being really good. | ||
| Joey's the most dramatic. | ||
| Oh, I got my most dramatic one. | ||
| Who? | ||
| It was Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Doug Stand-Up wasn't good in the beginning? | ||
| Well, you know, he was... | ||
| I don't know how raw he was when I saw him, but he was... | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| It was back when Steve Scharippa was still physically there at the Riviera Comedy Club. | ||
| And it was maybe even still an improv at that point. | ||
| And I was one of two feature acts with this other guy named Tom Martin, who now he writes on Simpsons and stuff. | ||
| And the headliner was Hugh Fink. | ||
| And Doug Stanhope was the host, you know, the MC for like one of those crazy weeks where you do two shows a night for seven nights and crowds were starting to get smaller than, you know, like the kind of the Vegas comedy boom was starting to fade a little bit. | ||
| And Sharipa would just yell at him every night. | ||
| He was like that week's punching bag. | ||
| What was Sharipa yelling at him about? | ||
| It was just being late, bringing a girl into the showroom without asking ahead of time. | ||
| It happened to me a few times. | ||
| He just sort of picks one person to pick on, to kind of establish to the group that you can't get away with anything. | ||
| But Doug, like, super good kid, you know, nice guy. | ||
| I was a few years older than him and, you know, thought I really had it under control. | ||
| And the three of us, we just all, that were working with him, we just all sort of thought, oh, you know, we'll see what happens with him because his act was just like... | ||
| It's just like anybody. | ||
| It's like just somebody trying to do a stand-up act and not... | ||
| I think Stanhope really turned a corner when he just started talking about his own experiences instead of trying to say, do you ever notice? | ||
| He's not an observational comic. | ||
| I mean, there's observations within what he's talking about because his stories are so interesting and he's such a funny guy. | ||
| Well, when you're young, it's like, what do you have to really talk about? | ||
| Well, that's the other thing. | ||
| I've always said that. | ||
| I remember he had this one bit where he would talk about... | ||
| He would talk about... | ||
| He would describe how nasty an egg roll is and how much he doesn't like egg rolls. | ||
| And it's like, as an audience member, maybe 50-70% of the audience loves egg rolls. | ||
| So then it was just kind of like, you just kind of sit there going, well, he's got to figure out... | ||
| He's either got to have more of a personal take on why they're bad to convince us, or he's got to drop that because... | ||
| Egg rolls are awesome. | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| He was like, they're filled with mulch! | ||
| I remember that was one of his punchlines was just the word mulch. | ||
| You know how the weirdest things stick out when you work with somebody for a week. | ||
| There's some sentence or thing that they talked about that you remember. | ||
| I always remember that, but I've known him ever since then. | ||
| He just kept plowing away and became... | ||
| Such a powerful, funny comic. | ||
| Became himself. | ||
| Found himself, then became himself. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And kind of had sort of a hook of being the guy that's going to talk about some pretty horrifying things. | ||
| But Doug Stanhope is the real deal. | ||
| He's legit. | ||
| Doug Stanhope really is that guy. | ||
| He really does live in a crazy house. | ||
| It's painted weird colors. | ||
| His girlfriend really is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember his American flag house? | |
| She really is on all sorts of fucking crazy pills. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Remember his American flag house? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I was there when he used to have homeless people live on his fucking front lawn. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| Like Arizona or Utah or something? | ||
| He's in... | ||
| Well, should I even say? | ||
| I think he says everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I guess you shouldn't say. | |
| He does. | ||
| He lives in Arizona. | ||
| But he tours and puts on his own, like he kind of, you know, does it his own way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He does it all himself. | ||
| He tours like a rock star. | ||
| Like he goes town to town. | ||
| Doug had a fucking house that was painted like an American flag in Venice. | ||
| And we would go party at his house when we were doing the man show. | ||
| He rented this house that was literally a fucking American flag. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| And it was right on the street. | ||
| And he had this little fenced-in area in the front. | ||
| He would let homeless people stay there. | ||
| So he had this homeless couple that was staying there. | ||
| And the fucking woman stabbed the man. | ||
| And they got a video of her looking at her hands. | ||
| Because she had blood on her hands from the guy she stabbed. | ||
| And she had like an accent. | ||
| And she was like... | ||
| I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. | ||
| I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. | ||
| She kept saying something, something, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. | ||
| And she was looking at her. | ||
| It was dark, dude. | ||
| This was all on Doug Stanhope's front lawn. | ||
| That is horrible. | ||
| He was so crazy. | ||
| I was like, dude, you're hanging out with people who are probably severely imbalanced. | ||
| It's not just a matter of them being homeless. | ||
| A lot of the homeless people that you find on the streets are really people that were kicked out of mental institutions or got out of mental institutions and didn't have anybody to take care of them. | ||
| There's a lot of crazy people out there. | ||
| Or just lost their mind randomly and didn't fit in anymore. | ||
| Slowly but surely eroded until that was their reality. | ||
| Their reality was they're the rats of society. | ||
| That's funny that when I brought Doug up, I totally skipped that whole that you guys did a show together thing. | ||
| I knew you knew who he was because he's so funny, but I was talking about it like... | ||
| Yeah, you know, we both know Doug Stanhope, but you actually really know the guy. | ||
| Like, I, you know, have just run into him here and there over the years, and we've always been, you know, friendly. | ||
| And I just recently just told him, when you're in L.A., you know, let me know, because I want him on my podcast. | ||
| He's been on this, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's an unusual dude. | ||
| He's really doing it, too. | ||
| His episode of the Louis C.K. show was great. | ||
| So, so good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was weird seeing him like that, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah, but also it was an interesting amalgam of what he's really like and then some things that Louis just wrote for him to play that were, I guess, Louis just sort of rounding out the character in a dramatic way. | ||
| Because I don't know if... | ||
| I doubt Doug's ever gone to Louis and said, I'm going to kill myself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's been nice knowing you. | ||
| Doug's not going to do that, unless that was wrong, and then he would do that. | ||
| He would totally Hunter S. Thompson himself. | ||
| Hunter S. Thompson was done, man. | ||
| He had hip replacement surgery. | ||
| He was in constant pain. | ||
| He couldn't walk, couldn't swim. | ||
| He was fucked up, man. | ||
| He didn't like living life like that. | ||
| He was 60-something years old, and he was like, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Checkout time. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He decided to do it that way. | ||
| Doug would do that. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he would do that. | ||
| You guys want to take bets? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can call him and make sure he's okay. | ||
| Well, you know, what's the alternative? | ||
| Let it slowly run out of batteries? | ||
| Die in the corner? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's the alternative. | ||
| How's that vaporizer coming? | ||
| It's probably heated up by now. | ||
| Well, it still says red on it. | ||
| I think that's not a special effect to me. | ||
| How long do you think we've been talking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 minutes? | |
| An hour and five minutes. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I bet you we have. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| This podcast is too easy. | ||
| Doug, you're... | ||
| It's so much... | ||
| Podcasting is so much fun. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's the most fun thing we've ever done, you know, as far as, like, the most honest connection with people, you know, and... | ||
| Oh, yeah, you just sit there and talk. | ||
| Yeah, and for people, like, that are, like, working right now, you know, dude, I think it's the coolest thing ever. | ||
| I'm so happy that we can do something like this. | ||
| You know, entertainers want to entertain. | ||
| I mean, comics want to be funny. | ||
| People want to talk. | ||
| We love doing it. | ||
| So the fact that it's such an honest relationship. | ||
| We love doing it. | ||
| We put it out there. | ||
| It's free. | ||
| Boom, people enjoy it. | ||
| It's such a great relationship. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're creating friends all over the place. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| And that's the people that come out to see you at the comedy clubs. | ||
| We have shared friends now. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Just this last weekend, it was funny because I was in Arizona in Flagstaff and then Phoenix, and I didn't know I was going to be doing the show this week. | ||
| I thought, oh, I'll be on again at some point. | ||
| I figured I'd be back here on the show, but I didn't know... | ||
| You called me yesterday or the day before, and we set this up. | ||
| So last weekend, over the course of a couple of shows, there's probably about a good 10, 15 people who said to me, go on Joe's show again, or I want to hear you on Joe's show again. | ||
| And I was just like, yeah, don't worry about it. | ||
| It'll happen. | ||
| And like, they're probably right now being like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That asshole didn't say he was gonna be on a couple days later. | |
| Yeah, we don't really schedule this thing in advance, folks. | ||
| We keep this bitch as organic as possible. | ||
| Yeah, but also you're dealing with the schedules of, you know, you mostly have your comedian friends who, you know, they're all in and out of town and have shit to do and Well, that's what the coolest thing about it is that, you know, most of us are around, if we're around, we're around, like, the days we do the podcast, like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. | ||
| And now it really has an impact on guys' gigs, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Especially Duncan. | ||
| Duncan's getting, like, some fucking sweet gigs. | ||
| He's getting in packing places, man. | ||
| Duncan sold out his first show ever in Seattle, and he was, like, tripping out. | ||
| He was, like, what the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe it! | |
| He goes, I got bonuses, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| He brought back Little Hobo, you know that puppet thing that he does? | ||
| Little Hobo? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, Little Hobo is one of my favorite bits ever. | ||
| I love the new Hobo. | ||
| The doll itself, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| Little Hobo is one of my all-time favorite bits. | ||
| And people either get it or they don't get it. | ||
| But either way, it's fun for me. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Even if they don't get uncomfortable. | ||
| People get angry at comedy, it's so funny. | ||
| Well, if they get uncomfortable, sometimes it's even more fun. | ||
| Duncan says some dark shit in that bit. | ||
| I don't want to kill any of his punchlines. | ||
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that hear that and go, what? | ||
| He had a bunch of people walk out on him in Atlanta, Georgia. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, this Christian couple got up and left. | ||
| He was talking about Jesus on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, lordy. | |
| Hey man, people have their beliefs. | ||
| They don't want you fucking with their beliefs. | ||
| They didn't come to a comedy show to get changed, goddammit. | ||
| They came to a comedy show to laugh. | ||
| You can't make everybody laugh. | ||
| You're no good, Mr. Comedian. | ||
| Did you ever have family reunions growing up? | ||
| Where you met at a park with other parts of families that you didn't know you were connected to at all? | ||
| There was these like, wait, that's your second cousin to the left? | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm related to that person? | ||
| Yeah, now that you recall, yeah, in New Jersey, I guess, when I was really young, we did have a few of those. | ||
| I was really young, though. | ||
| This was before I was six, so I barely remember it. | ||
| Like, you said it, and it makes me, like, have little flashes that might not even be real, you know? | ||
| They were put in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I talk about this on stage before, but it is true. | ||
| I remember one vivid moment when I was young, because everybody was mad at me, because I hit my cousin with a bag of cookies. | ||
| And everybody was mad because the cookies went flying. | ||
| And I remember looking at the cookies in the dirt. | ||
| I'm like, shit. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| But I was like four. | ||
| And people were angry at me. | ||
| And I remember that. | ||
| It's amazing that there could be even a semi-vivid memory. | ||
| I mean, when you say, like, I have a vivid memory of it, what is it? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, how much are you extrapolating? | ||
| How much are you exaggerating? | ||
| How vivid is it really? | ||
| Well, it was big enough in the first place to some form of it has stayed in your mind. | ||
| Something, yeah. | ||
| Like, because that's the thing that's crazy to me is, like, whenever somebody remembers a ton of stuff from when they were little, I'm always kind of... | ||
| I'm baffled by that. | ||
| I think it's almost like they're just sort of taking what they kind of remember and then just going ahead and filling out the story. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I think that is a lot of what happens. | ||
| I don't think our memory is that fucking good. | ||
| And I think they don't understand really where memory is stored. | ||
| The issue with memory and the brain is that they believe that every seven years, virtually every cell in the body is regenerated and reborn anew. | ||
| So there's a new version. | ||
| In seven years, every cell is different than the seven years before, except the neurons. | ||
| And so they don't know if the memory is stored somehow in the neurons or if it's just sort of handed down like files. | ||
| Like every seven years you get a new administration comes in and goes, look, this is the past. | ||
| This is the uncle that fucked them. | ||
| This is the thing that happened in second grade. | ||
| This is the car accident. | ||
| All this is you got to remember this. | ||
| You got it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got it? | |
| And then they take it and seven years later when they die out... | ||
| Yeah, that's why you have pockets of things you don't remember or things you remembered at one point and don't remember anymore. | ||
| Dude, whole episodes of my life I don't remember. | ||
| I watched an old Fear Factory run. | ||
| I had no recollection of any of it. | ||
| And it was only 10 years ago. | ||
| And I'm watching. | ||
| I don't remember this. | ||
| I don't remember this happening. | ||
| I don't remember this. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| I have the two earliest memories I have. | ||
| One is breaking a pickle jar at a grocery store, like one of those huge ones. | ||
| And I just remember it being scary. | ||
| I remember like doing it and stuff like that and falling in. | ||
| I think it was like two or three when it happened. | ||
| And the other one is getting attacked by a bunch of chickens at this farm and I got pecked. | ||
| I think I've said that before where I got pecked and I have a scar in between my nose because I was near a chicken nest. | ||
| If that was me, I would be eating chicken every day. | ||
| I'd be going to Kentucky Fried Chicken every fucking day with one hand on my dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But both of those memories, I remember. | ||
| Like, I remember that happening. | ||
| I remember the pickle jar. | ||
| I remember being attacked by chickens. | ||
| But I don't remember it in first person. | ||
| I remember it kind of being above and looking down at myself. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| Well, that's the files. | ||
| You got handed down the third-person view. | ||
| But also, were those both stories that the family liked to tell? | ||
| Like, remember when you broke that huge pickle jar? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Like, every time I bring it up to my mom... | ||
| She has no idea. | ||
| She has no idea. | ||
| I have to, like, remember her. | ||
| Yeah, because that wasn't an important file for her when she was... | ||
| She didn't need to remember that. | ||
| Yeah, that's brutal when your parents don't remember important shit that happened to you. | ||
| That's a big thing. | ||
| Breaking a pickle jar? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Poor little Brian could have been dead. | ||
| Could have fell on the sharpest point of that glass. | ||
| And it could have been over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could have died, right? | ||
| If it cut me a night. | ||
| I almost fell off a cliff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Balls. | |
| I almost fell off a cliff in San Francisco. | ||
| I was like eight years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And my father grabbed me at the very last second. | ||
| He's your angel. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some cliffs near San Francisco. | ||
| There's some little areas where you walk down near the beach that are really kind of sketchy. | ||
| There's some areas where you could fall down and really fuck yourself up, man. | ||
| You could die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That whole Pacific Coast Highway is so immensely fucking beautiful, but so scary. | ||
| You ever drive the PCH down to San Francisco? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Is that wild? | ||
| Doesn't that make your balls just tingle? | ||
| They're crackling. | ||
| What is that stuff? | ||
| The snap pop rocks? | ||
| Remember pop rocks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember that would do to your mouth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it makes your balls feel like when you're going around that whole Pacific Coast Highway looking at that fucking cliff, that fucking drop that's right there! | ||
| It's right there and it's forever and the ground moves around this bitch all the time. | ||
| It's like you're essentially playing a game of musical chairs. | ||
| You're just hoping you can get from this point to that point where the really thin fucking outcropping that your little metal box is driving around with nothing to stop you from just driving right the fuck off the thing into the ground and the rocks and the ocean. | ||
| You ever drive it in a storm? | ||
| Oh my god, you did? | ||
| Yeah, I've had situations where it's like the waves are crashing up on it. | ||
| I was stone cold sober. | ||
| It was a sunny day. | ||
| I was wide awake and I was still shitting my pants. | ||
| I was like, this is a crazy drive, man. | ||
| It's weird to look at. | ||
| It's just a mindfuck. | ||
| It's a mindfuck. | ||
| It's just a little... | ||
| You wanna die? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or someone's coming at you. | ||
| You're trusting this other asshole that you don't even know to not be texting right now, to not be fingering himself. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| Yeah, drunk. | ||
| Vodka tampons with pop rocks up your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Falling asleep. | |
| Yes. | ||
| All of those at once. | ||
| All of those at once. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| A tsunami of bad luck coming your way, and you're in the left-hand lane, and you get bumped off into the fucking great blue yonder of the ocean floor. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's a crazy way to drive. | ||
| I like to have less worry about death in my drives. | ||
| Driving's always scary to me. | ||
| I mean, just today I was driving and there was fucking like a sandbag truck overturned or something like that. | ||
| And there were just sandbags everywhere on the highway out of nowhere. | ||
| Like you're just driving all these sandbags everywhere. | ||
| Dude, I hit a fucking, one of those railroad ties, those iron things. | ||
| What are those? | ||
| The tracks, not a tie, a track. | ||
| A section of track someone had dropped on the fucking highway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I was driving, and I saw it last minute. | ||
| I saw this thing, and I was like, oh, fuck! | ||
| Like, I remember gripping with both hands. | ||
| There's no way I could turn. | ||
| If I tried to turn, I would have flipped the car. | ||
| You know, it was just too close. | ||
| And I hit it, and the car launched into the air. | ||
| The car went, ba-ba! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| And blew the fucking tires right off the rims. | ||
| I think at least one of them literally was shredded. | ||
| And I drove on rims to the next exit and got out and just called the tow truck and had it dealt with. | ||
| But it was a spooky moment, man. | ||
| I hit that fucking thing. | ||
| I saw it last minute. | ||
| I'm like, oh fuck, that's metal! | ||
| You know, it's like that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| That sucks. | ||
| Ba-bang! | ||
| Fucking, oh my god. | ||
| I'm lucky it didn't. | ||
| You know, sometimes when you drive over something, too, you can rip out the bottom of your car. | ||
| It could come up and it could go into the bottom of your car. | ||
| You can drop a tranny real easy. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I always wanted to say that in adult life. | ||
| He dropped his tranny. | ||
| In high school, guys would blow their fucking transmission apart doing donuts. | ||
| It was a common thing. | ||
| Guys would fuck up their trannies. | ||
| We'd hear them driving the next day and hear the transmission. | ||
| Because guys were doing smoke shows. | ||
| In San Diego, when I was in high school, there was this street where it was kind of like a San Francisco-style street where it went pretty steep and then straight for just a bit and then steep again. | ||
| and you could get air if you wanted to going down it. | ||
| And so we would intentionally drive fast enough to get the car up into the air, and it's the dumbest thing you could do. | ||
| Most people don't know. | ||
| But we all got away with it because everyone just did it a few times. | ||
| It's the Dukes of Hazzard. | ||
| You didn't keep trying it. | ||
| Did you ever fuck your car up? | ||
| Did you ever break anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| One time on another hill driving with some friends, as a joke, or not as a joke, for whatever reason I was trying to throw the car into neutral, and I threw it into reverse while going quickly downhill. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And the fucking noise that that made was insane. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And I immediately had to just pull the car over and get it towed and get it fixed. | ||
| You just exploded your transmission. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Just really... | ||
| They shouldn't be able to go there. | ||
| It shouldn't be able to go into reverse. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| You shouldn't be able to do that, but it was like an old... | ||
| It was like an AMC Hornet. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And it was a pretty dumb car. | ||
| Yeah, why are you going in a forward direction? | ||
| Isn't there a way to engineer some sort of a way that that doesn't just... | ||
| I think you can't anymore. | ||
| I don't think you... | ||
| The new cars can't? | ||
| Yeah, you have to kind of... | ||
| You move it to the side, you know, it's almost like a stick shift where you have to kind of... | ||
| It's like a medicine bottle. | ||
| ...work it into each level or whatever. | ||
| But, you know, I was a kid, you know, teenager. | ||
| You were a silly little goose. | ||
| Goofing around. | ||
| Oh, I did so much silly shit when I was a kid. | ||
| It's amazing that kids should be allowed to drive cars. | ||
| Oh, so now when I'm driving around, whenever I get cut off by somebody that looks like they're 15, 16, I'm just like, they're such assholes. | ||
| Also, when I was that age, I was an asshole driver, but all I had was maybe an occasional fast food from the drive-in. | ||
| I didn't have texting. | ||
| I didn't have headphones on. | ||
| All the distractions of today. | ||
| I can't believe that there's anywhere in a car that has a TV. It's not like a limo that's being driven by a professional. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just even if you have your kids in the backseat watching some shit on TV, wouldn't that be an extra distraction that... | ||
| No, it's the opposite. | ||
| It could be dangerous or you just like how focused it makes the kids. | ||
| The kids zone out. | ||
| The kids are done. | ||
| But you definitely don't need a TV up above the rearview mirror. | ||
| No, that's stupid. | ||
| Those are ridiculous. | ||
| You can't see. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
| I rented a car. | ||
| I rented a... | ||
| Was it Escalator or Navigator? | ||
| And that's what the TV was. | ||
| The TV would come down in the center and it would block the view. | ||
| You couldn't see. | ||
| You look over your rear view. | ||
| You're like in a U-Haul. | ||
| Do they say only to watch it when you're not in motion? | ||
| No, you're supposed to watch it in motion because that's when it tunes them out. | ||
| But the better ones are on the headsets. | ||
| And now they have them on the headsets where each one is watching a different thing. | ||
| So they can watch different things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they have headphones? | |
| They have headphones. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| When you have, let me tell you something, you have a three and a half year old, that's the perfect shit. | ||
| They just zonk out. | ||
| No more questions. | ||
| It's just they watch Dora the Explorer and they have a good old fucking time. | ||
| So they don't even mind driving. | ||
| They don't mind driving because driving for them is like going to the movies. | ||
| They have cool little DVDs they watch, and they have a good time. | ||
| And the DVDs, you can get little educational ones. | ||
| So it's actually good for them. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| There's like, your kid can read and shit. | ||
| Kids are going to be way smarter today than we were. | ||
| We didn't get access to anything until we were fucking... | ||
| It's going to be cool in the future. | ||
| I bet the babies are going to be so smart at such a young age that they're going to be able to drive cars for you. | ||
| So they're going to be, as a kid, being able to just sit there. | ||
| Brian, your baby's never going to be able to drive for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a classic Brian misfiring of the mind. | |
| Well, you didn't think about that at all. | ||
| I'm pretty sure babies out of the womb are just going to drive. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| They're going to drive everyone around. | ||
| Driving is going to be so easy because it's all going to have magnets around your whole car that they just have to push one button for like on or something. | ||
| Brian, you're such a silly man. | ||
| You're such a silly man. | ||
| Why do you want more babies? | ||
| I need more drivers. | ||
| I need more people driving me around that I don't have to teach anything to. | ||
| And no one would want to have sex with the Asians. | ||
| It would just be a matter of you need life experience, but you have full intelligence right away. | ||
| You just need life experience. | ||
| So we make you work as a driver for the first couple years of the womb. | ||
| People are going to be dumber smarter. | ||
| In some areas, they're going to be dumber because some things are going to become obsolete. | ||
| You're not going to ever need to know a phone number. | ||
| Math, maybe, but hopefully people are still in math. | ||
| That is adaptation, right? | ||
| I mean, that's what's going on. | ||
| We're adapting to this new environment. | ||
| We're adapting to these new needs. | ||
| You know, it's unquestionably something is happening. | ||
| And that something is that we're getting into a symbiotic relationship with technology. | ||
| But can you imagine how much space in your brain... | ||
| Is available that would 15, 20 years ago be full of phone numbers? | ||
| That you don't need to remember anymore? | ||
| But don't you remember a lot of different things now? | ||
| Don't you think that you have a lot of information that you get through the internet that you probably would never get before? | ||
| You know, a lot of people, it was difficult for them to be stimulated in the days before the internet. | ||
| But today, there's not a time in the world where I'm in an airport that has Wi-Fi where I'm bored. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, I love airport Wi-Fi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| You can really just sit there and... | ||
| You can either goof around or get stuff done, but either way, you're killing the time so much better. | ||
| Yeah, you're enjoying yourself. | ||
| You're actually having a good time. | ||
| You're getting entertained. | ||
| But you are also using it different than some people use the internet. | ||
| A lot of people just go on there, play cards, and talk about video games. | ||
| But even then, say if you have an hour to kill and you're at the airport, you log on to your favorite video game forum and you find out what the hell's going on. | ||
| It's entertaining. | ||
| And then boom, your time's gone. | ||
| You listen to podcasts. | ||
| Hey, come on! | ||
| It's a very interesting progression to try to look ahead to. | ||
| It's like, where the fuck is this going to go next? | ||
| What is the next symbiotic relationship between human beings and technology? | ||
| Because the cell phone is pretty much a part of your fucking body. | ||
| So what's next? | ||
| Fake people having sex robots. | ||
| Actual fake people. | ||
| Fleshlights that have emotions. | ||
| It's a fucking singularity, man. | ||
| But what's the emotions? | ||
| No, you can turn it off. | ||
| The emotions would get people dick-hard. | ||
| I do like porn where everybody seems to be having fun more than porn where people seem to be, you know... | ||
| I just watched a horrible porn the other day that was just rape porn. | ||
| Some people like watching porn where people fight and then they fuck. | ||
| And then when they fuck, they get back at each other and then resolve their issues through fucking. | ||
| People like those, they like videos like that. | ||
| People are actually angry at each other because that's when they have their best sex. | ||
| A lot of people have the best sex they ever have is makeup sex. | ||
| There's girls that will like, I firmly believe, they have learned to start fights so that the man will step in, argue with them for a little bit, then they resolve everything, they make up, they say they love you, and then they fuck and they love it. | ||
| And they have like super extra charged fucking. | ||
| So I think they start problems, and men and women, I'm sure. | ||
| Because they like a story. | ||
| That's why women can read pornographic things and men need to see them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Women like the story. | ||
| Women like what leads up to having, you know, that's why the foreplay is so important. | ||
| They like drama. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy freaks. | ||
| They like it to have a beginning, middle, and an end, and then the end has to go on for longer than we want it to. | ||
| Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a woman for a day? | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As soon as he hears that microwave with the cantaloupe ding, Brian's life would be not much different. | |
| He would just be a lesbian. | ||
| No, I've said this before. | ||
| When I was younger, I would look at my boobs and act like they were real boobs and then just try to kiss them. | ||
| But that's about as close as to being like... | ||
| But that's the question, though. | ||
| Are you a girl for a day who wants cock? | ||
| Yeah, you've got to go for the whole experience. | ||
| You should get fucked, too. | ||
| I wouldn't want that at all. | ||
| It'd probably be interesting to feel what it would feel like to get fucked, but I couldn't stop thinking about how there's a dick in me. | ||
| Yeah, and in your mouth, too. | ||
| Because you're going to have to suck it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, thank you. | |
| No, thanks. | ||
| Imagine feeling what a period would be like. | ||
| When I'm a girl for a day, I'm going to convert to being, don't they say, Jewish girls don't like to blow hands? | ||
| No, Jewish girls love to do it. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| They say they don't like to. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| And then I'll love it. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Wait, isn't there some sort of girls that don't like to blow dudes? | ||
| Or is that just girls in general? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| There's always going to be dudes complaining. | ||
| Because that's what's fun about porn, that you can't often get a girl that you're just hooking up with or whatever. | ||
| In porn, they often act like it's the most delicious thing you could have, sucking a cock. | ||
| And most girls are just sort of like, just doing what they've got to do to get it over with. | ||
| Some girls know. | ||
| Some girls love dick. | ||
| You've got to find them. | ||
| You know, it's kind of gross if a girl's sucking your cock and she doesn't want to. | ||
| Well, I'm not saying doesn't want to. | ||
| Like, wants to please you, but also doesn't think this is the most delicious thing she's ever had in her mouth. | ||
| But don't you like eating pussy? | ||
| Don't you like eating pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I love it. | ||
| But I think I love the pleasing the person or maybe a little sense of control is the most important part. | ||
| Sense of control. | ||
| Than how it tastes and looks and feels. | ||
| Those are all good too, but I think that it's more like it's just fun because that's a great way to please a woman. | ||
| Doug Benson putting it out there, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'll eat your ass. | |
| Doug Benson will eat your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You will. | |
| How often do you eat ass? | ||
| Oh, you know. | ||
| Whenever it's there, whenever the mood is right. | ||
| Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. | ||
| Whenever the time is right. | ||
| Maybe some brunch, maybe some happy hour. | ||
| Yeah, maybe some after-dinner ass-eating. | ||
| What does that mean, eating ass? | ||
| Licking a girl's asshole. | ||
| Yeah, I don't really... | ||
| You don't like that? | ||
| I love when people, when you talk about something, they go, yeah, and then they say, no. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Yeah, I don't do that. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's awesome. | ||
| Frenching it? | ||
| No, but that's an immediate reaction. | ||
| You know, when someone says, yeah, I don't think so. | ||
| That's what that Sandusky guy should have said when they asked him, are you attracted to young boys? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think so. | ||
| No, instead he's like, ask me again if I eat a lot of ass. | ||
| Do you eat a lot of ass? | ||
| Do I eat a lot of ass? | ||
| No, I don't eat a lot of ass. | ||
| That is the world's biggest ass eater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a world champion ass-eater with stacks of trophies behind him. | |
| I don't eat enough. | ||
| There should totally be trophies for the best ass-eating. | ||
| That's a goddamn adventure. | ||
| You can get trophies for parasailing. | ||
| You should get trophies for ass-eating. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Ass-eating contests? | ||
| If the world were free and we weren't so worried about things, pornography could be judged on the merits of technique. | ||
| 0% toilet paper in the ass is always important. | ||
| That's very important. | ||
| Toilet paper, when you go down on a grill and you find toilet paper just dangling off her ass, it's so disturbing. | ||
| See, that's probably one of the things that keeps me out of that region. | ||
| So many ways it could backfire. | ||
| I stuff it back in so it's not to ruin anything. | ||
| I don't want her to be upset. | ||
| When you get a little stubble, it's like essentially, you know, it's like a little bit of sandpaper. | ||
| You rub some... | ||
| Toilet paper on some sandpaper, you're going to leave some residue. | ||
| Do you like stuff in your ass? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The way you said that... | |
| No, I'm actually very scared of my ass. | ||
| The way you said that was like, this is the end of a long conversation. | ||
| Do you like stuff in your ass? | ||
| I'm very scared of my ass. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| As I grew older, it's just... | ||
| Well, that's good, I guess, though. | ||
| In my meat diet. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Your meat diet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How often do you eat vegetables? | ||
| I eat them every day, but that's just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Dude, what you should do is what I do. | ||
| I think I have a sweet allergy. | ||
| I just need a test. | ||
| Get on the kale shakes, son. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| It's not delicious. | ||
| It can't be, but I don't mind eating kale so much. | ||
| I kind of pick that up every once in a while, like the Whole Foods or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like along with the piece of meat or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not bad, but a shake of that? | ||
| Kevin James turned me on to this shit, and he started doing it and lost like 80 pounds. | ||
| And what he's doing is... | ||
| Essentially, it takes cucumbers, kale, celery. | ||
| This is how I do it. | ||
| Cucumbers, kale, celery. | ||
| And I put a chunk of ginger in there, too, and a whole pear. | ||
| See, I don't do the ginger anymore. | ||
| It drives me crazy. | ||
| I think I hate ginger. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You should put some ass in there. | ||
| Yeah, put a little ass in there, Brian. | ||
| I like the sting of ginger. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It's strong. | ||
| Yeah, it's very spicy, but I like that. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| So anyway, I blend it all up in this Vitamix thing. | ||
| You ever see a Vitamix? | ||
| It's like a mixer designed to pulverize. | ||
| It's not really juicing because it's just chopping the living fuck out of all these vegetables until it's like a soup. | ||
| And then you drink this soup and it's not bad. | ||
| It doesn't taste bad. | ||
| It's just sort of a task. | ||
| And you lose weight because you're just eating pure vegetables and there's nothing bad in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You feel great. | |
| You feel it's a giant serving of vegetables, like much more vegetables probably than you would ever really eat. | ||
| Oh yeah, I have to force myself to eat most vegetables. | ||
| You're not going to eat like six giant leaves of kale, ten stalks of celery, a whole cucumber. | ||
| It's rare that you would eat that many vegetables in one sitting. | ||
| You could do it, but this is even better because it's completely taking the whole chewing down process out. | ||
| So you're digesting it, you're swallowing it, and it's like just... | ||
| Incinerated, just chopped up into little tiny-ass pieces, and it's like really easily absorbed by your body. | ||
| And your shit's magnifico. | ||
| The shit's become amazing. | ||
| Yeah, because you're drinking. | ||
| You're so lubed up, too, though, dude. | ||
| Your whole system is just... | ||
| Whatever you have, if you have a steak later, it slides out like a toboggan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoop! | |
| I got a great drink for your Vitamix, Joe. | ||
| This is a late night drink with some food. | ||
| Vodka, ice, red seedless grapes, like a lot of red seedless grapes, and a little bit, two apples. | ||
| And it's kind of like grape vodka, but it's got a little bit of a texture to it. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| Wow, I love that. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| So you make a little smoothie? | ||
| Make a little smoothie, yeah. | ||
| And if you have any nut... | ||
| What's that sweetener that's made out of cactus or something like that? | ||
| If you have any of that, put that in there. | ||
| Stevia, you know? | ||
| Yeah, you can use stevia too. | ||
| Oh, agave. | ||
| Agave. | ||
| Yeah, I use agave. | ||
| I heard agave is not so good for you. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I read that somewhere. | ||
| I need to research that. | ||
| Somebody said that agave is not good for you. | ||
| I think like any artificial sweeteners. | ||
| Isn't that a kind of tequila agave? | ||
| Well, I think they make tequila out of it. | ||
| But it's a plant. | ||
| Agave is a plant. | ||
| And it's a real sweet plant. | ||
| Somehow or another they make tequila out of that. | ||
| I somehow see that word associated with tequila. | ||
| I made lemonade the other day with it. | ||
| With agave. | ||
| It's really delicious. | ||
| But I was drinking it and I was like, it's probably not so good for you. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Stevia is supposed to be good for you, but stevia to me is not like a real sweet taste. | ||
| It's like a trick sweet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's almost like an aspirate. | ||
| What was that old shit? | ||
| Sweet and Low. | ||
| Remember how Sweet and Low had that funky fucking... | ||
| It was kind of sweet, but kind of funky. | ||
| I kind of like it, though, better than any of it. | ||
| But the problem I have is they need to have it at more places. | ||
| Like Starbucks seems like it should have it. | ||
| Why doesn't Starbucks have Stevia? | ||
| Well, I don't think people... | ||
| I think it's a taste issue. | ||
| I don't prefer the taste of it. | ||
| I think it's probably something you can get used to, but I don't like sweetened things. | ||
| I don't mind things being not sweet. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like coffee, I don't want coffee sweetened. | ||
| I don't sweeten iced tea. | ||
| I just drink it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I don't put any extra shit into pretty much anything. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you watch your health? | ||
| Do you take care of yourself? | ||
| You know, I go through periods that are, you know, I kind of go up and down. | ||
| I don't think I've ever eaten cake in bed. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| What about in the tub? | ||
| I don't think I've ever eaten food in the tub. | ||
| That's the cat in the hat comes back, eats cake in the tub, and it becomes a mess. | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| Do you paraphrase it that way when you read that to your children? | ||
| It's my kids' favorite stories. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| I get into them. | ||
| I get into the cat in the hat ones. | ||
| They're brilliantly written stuff. | ||
| Do you have frog and toad? | ||
| You gotta get them in the frog and toad. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Frog and toad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About a frog and a toad that lived together. | ||
| Sort of vaguely remember that. | ||
| Oh, and they're trying to cross the highway and you have to get them to the lily pads. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, that's Frogger. | ||
| It's weird that a frog would hang with a toad. | ||
| Yeah, they're different, yet so the same. | ||
| We're lucky frogs are little. | ||
| Those cunts. | ||
| You know how evil frogs would be if they were big? | ||
| They would just be taking kids right out of your arms. | ||
| Have you seen big frogs? | ||
| They're pretty big. | ||
| I mean big. | ||
| Like real big. | ||
| Like dog-sized. | ||
| If frogs were huge, they would eat babies. | ||
| I was researching frogs a long time ago because of licking frogs. | ||
| And so I got really into frogs. | ||
| And they have Pac-Man frogs. | ||
| Have you ever seen Pac-Man frogs? | ||
| Their mouths open up like a Pac-Man. | ||
| Frogs are ruthless motherfuckers. | ||
| They eat like mice sometimes. | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| No, they do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| How about the fact that frogs eat dogs? | ||
| Have you ever seen those frogs that eat dogs? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| How about the fact that people take frogs and they get high with them? | ||
| Yeah, that's why I was researching frogs because I was going to buy frogs off eBay a long time ago. | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| You can buy that. | ||
| I don't know if they made that frog illegal yet. | ||
| What is the frog that does it? | ||
| It produces 5-MeO-DMT. It's really incredibly potent hallucinogen. | ||
| And what you do is you take this frog and the skin excretes like some sort of a white milky substance and you do it on a window of a car. | ||
| So that it's in the sun, or anything glass that's outside, like a glass coffee table. | ||
| You secrete it, and then when it dries off, you scrape it with a razor blade, and it becomes a white powder. | ||
| You put it in something, you freebase it, and you blast off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do-do-do! | |
| Do-do-do-do-do-do! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Welcome to the center of the universe, provided by a frog. | |
| Do you think that's why the end of the world is going to be a bunch of frogs flying on us? | ||
| Because we're all going to start tripping off these frogs? | ||
| Because it's going to be frogs everywhere, and then we're going to go into this DM tree trip. | ||
| That's unlikely. | ||
| I'm tripping off of how Joe says hallucinogen. | ||
| Hallucinogen? | ||
| Hallucinogen. | ||
| Hallucinogen. | ||
| That's the correct pronunciation. | ||
| Hallucinogen is what I'm used to. | ||
| Hallucinogen is good as well. | ||
| It's like nuclear or nucular. | ||
| No, those aren't two. | ||
| You don't have options on that one. | ||
| Nuclear options? | ||
| If I said nuclear, would you correct me? | ||
| It's like often and often. | ||
| Nuclear. | ||
| Coupon and coupon. | ||
| Nuclear bombs. | ||
| Nuclear bombs. | ||
| I don't think I would correct you out loud. | ||
| I would just assume you're... | ||
| You're an idiot. | ||
| No, I just assume you're... | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| You hear them both ways so often... | ||
| Of all the dumb things that George Bush said and did, that one to me was like, well, but a lot of people say it the wrong way. | ||
| So you just get used to it. | ||
| It's just like old expressions that now people say them the wrong way. | ||
| What about when English people write things different? | ||
| Their correct tires is T-Y-R-E-S. I kept seeing that written in an English magazine. | ||
| I was like, why the fuck are they writing tires? | ||
| World is spelled W-R-O-L-D instead of W-O-R-L-D. World? | ||
| Yeah, world. | ||
| It's pronounced world. | ||
| Like wrong? | ||
| Yeah, like wrong. | ||
| Did you just make that up? | ||
| I always get... | ||
| I say world and everyone gives me shit. | ||
| So you make that up? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not spelled W-R. No. | ||
| Yeah, I made it up. | ||
| You made that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You motherfucker. | ||
| They just said U. Color. | ||
| They have a U in color. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a bunch of different... | ||
| It's funny, when you're reading tweets, you don't even have to look to see where the person's from when it's got those things in it. | ||
| Well, they also say, cheers, mate. | ||
| And they always say, you're a legend. | ||
| You're a legend, mate. | ||
| I think that's just you, Joe. | ||
| Because you are a legend. | ||
| No, they love that expression. | ||
| They love brilliant. | ||
| They say brilliant a lot. | ||
| Yeah, brilliant is great. | ||
| That's another one they do. | ||
| Retard. | ||
| Cunt. | ||
| They like to say cunt. | ||
| I like how you publicly announced that when you ban people on Twitter. | ||
| You're like, you are banned. | ||
| No, blocked. | ||
| But sometimes I'm just kidding. | ||
| Sometimes I'll just take some dumb tweet that Kim Kardashian wrote or something and I'll say, blocked. | ||
| Or somebody will write something to me that's actually kind of nice and I'll write blocked just to be silly and I'll write to them and say, I didn't really block you, I just... | ||
| I just wanted to retweet what you said, but I also... | ||
| I don't like just retweeting compliments and stuff, because I just think that that's just... | ||
| Oh, so you retweet a compliment and then say blocked? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, because then everybody gets a laugh out of it, like, oh, he's such an asshole, that guy that said that nice thing. | ||
| But I just think that there's just too many people that just want... | ||
| They're all about getting retweets and begging for them, and it's just like... | ||
| That's kind of whack, dude, the whole retweet thing. | ||
| I respond to people as much as I can, but that is kind of whack. | ||
| Yeah, you're good with people, though. | ||
| You answer questions and stuff. | ||
| I just get the same questions all the time. | ||
| People always ask me, because I follow 420 people, I thought that'd be a funny thing on my page that says I follow 420 people, but then also, that's about how many people I want to follow, like if there's somebody that I'm not interested in anymore. | ||
| And I want to add somebody, I'll drop somebody and add them. | ||
| I just keep it at 420. Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And then a lot of people get it right away. | ||
| They don't ask to be added because they're like, I don't want to ruin your 420 thing, dude, but I'd love it if you added me or whatever. | ||
| Dude, is anybody more connected to the pop movement than you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not as political as people might want me to be about it. | ||
| Although I've got some news for you guys that I'd love to share with your listeners slash viewers. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| In Missouri... | ||
| For 2012, there's a chance of getting outright legalization on the ballot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're skipping over the medical thing. | ||
| They just need X number of signatures. | ||
| It's not that many. | ||
| They just need a certain number of signatures to get it to happen, and they need the signatures by May. | ||
| So if you're in Missouri, get a hold of your local normal chapter, N-O-R-M-L. That's how Brian's always spelt normal. | ||
| How many? | ||
| And just make sure you find out where you can go, because it has to be physical signatures, which is the most fucked up thing in this computer age. | ||
| People should be able to sign petitions now on their computer. | ||
| Yeah, online. | ||
| And some do. | ||
| The conservatives get lots of good Marijuana is legal in Denver. | ||
| Pretty much, yeah. | ||
| Denver. | ||
| Can't they give you some sort of ticket? | ||
| They don't. | ||
| If you're blowing it on a schoolyard. | ||
| I think it's one of those things where they can't. | ||
| I'm sure you're not supposed to be out there publicly drinking, just like you're not supposed to be out there publicly smoking pot. | ||
| But they do it in Denver. | ||
| People are pretty chill. | ||
| Yeah, they're not stopping people at all. | ||
| There's a lot of cities, and there's 16 states in Washington, D.C. that are medical, but then a lot of cities, it's been kind of quietly... | ||
| Is it 16 states now? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| I think it's been kind of quietly decriminalized in a lot of places. | ||
| A lot of those states, though, it's really hard to get a license. | ||
| It's not as easy as it is in California. | ||
| Oh, yeah, and it's really hard to... | ||
| The whole dispensary system isn't in place. | ||
| And that's the problem currently in California is that the feds are again threatening to basically close down dispensaries. | ||
| And then the question is, well, where are the patients? | ||
| Because they seem to be okay with patients at this point. | ||
| Like if you're a medical marijuana patient, you should be able to get it. | ||
| But where are the patients going to get it if they close down the dispensaries? | ||
| I guess they're supposed to grow their own or have some sort of co-op. | ||
| I think the concern from the law enforcement is that there's a lot of profit being made that is not supposed to be according to the way the law is structured. | ||
| You're not supposed to be able to profit as much as these people are profiting. | ||
| But the bottom line is, that should be the very last thing that law enforcement is devoting its resources to. | ||
| You know no one's getting hurt there. | ||
| Yeah, it's a waste. | ||
| So all your attention should be devoted to crime. | ||
| All your attention should be devoted to reckless drivers, drunk drivers, crime, assault, And violent crime associated with marijuana would go away if it was legal. | ||
| Yeah, just leave it alone and I swear everything will be better. | ||
| It's really simple. | ||
| There's other shit to concentrate on. | ||
| But I think also that in some cases places need arrests. | ||
| They need to make arrests, and it's a fucking easy collar. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| No one's going to shoot you when you're closing down a pot store. | ||
| You know, you go there, you bring guys who are dressed like they're ready to go to war in Afghanistan, and they fucking go in there with machine guns, and they clear everything out, and they take everything. | ||
| And it's crazy, man. | ||
| You know, the ones that they had in LA a few years back, where they had the guys who had Blackwater uniforms on, they were Blackwater guys. | ||
| They hired mercenaries to go in there and clean up and close down these pot shops. | ||
| And you're like, what?! | ||
| Those are the weirdest raids. | ||
| Do you remember that, though? | ||
| Do you remember the Blackwater shit? | ||
| In Super Jaime, we show two different raids, and one of the biggest laughs in the movies, unfortunately not me speaking, somebody that's just a protester advocate that's hanging outside a place that's being raided... | ||
| Yells at the guys as they're walking downstairs with boxes full of marijuana and money. | ||
| Yells at him, go bust a meth lab, you pussies. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| It's an easy collar. | ||
| It's weak. | ||
| You know, it's wrong. | ||
| And I'm sure a lot of the guys that are involved in doing those things, again, they're just following orders. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I get people in law enforcement more and more saying hey to me and winking at me and saying I like your work and stuff. | ||
| Kissing on the lips. | ||
| A lot of making out. | ||
| I just will not. | ||
| I just draw the line at eating their ass. | ||
| Don't draw that line, bro. | ||
| I gotta try it. | ||
| I just think of asses as being, you know, a very juvenile attitude towards asses. | ||
| Make them do a stripper shower before they eat it. | ||
| And I don't want anything in my ass, even a nice soft tongue. | ||
| I always say the cops don't get nearly enough credit, and there's a divide between the citizens and the police that doesn't have to exist. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| They should be supported. | ||
| People support troops, but very few people support cops. | ||
| There's bad cops, for sure, but it's a small percentage. | ||
| We get to see how good cops are, though, because we're usually in situations where it's sort of, you know, especially you, like where you see a lot of law enforcement that's like kind of, they're sort of protecting you in just being out in public and stuff, right? they're sort of protecting you in just being out in I don't really have cops protecting me when I'm out in public. | ||
| No, but I mean, when they see you, they're like, you're a celebrity to them. | ||
| So you're like, the last thing their cops are going to do is hassle you. | ||
| Well, that's true. | ||
| But they, you know, also, when I got pulled over when I wasn't a celebrity, I'm polite. | ||
| You asked me a question. | ||
| No, sir. | ||
| You asked me for my license. | ||
| I give it to you. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You do everything. | ||
| I'm being respectful. | ||
| Yeah, I've gotten out of a few arrest situations by just being polite. | ||
| If a cop knows you're legitimately respectful, they appreciate that. | ||
| Look, man, that's the fucking job. | ||
| The job is we agree. | ||
| That guy gets the gun and the fucking flashing lights, and you listen to him. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| No, sir. | ||
| And that means you're a good citizen and you're not trying to fucking cause any trouble. | ||
| And in turn, he doesn't take advantage of this power that's presented to him by this willingness for people to obey. | ||
| And he doesn't automatically assume that everybody owes it to him. | ||
| And that's the problem with older cops. | ||
| That's the problem with these white shirt cunts that you see punching people in these Occupy Wall Street crowds. | ||
| They think they can punch people. | ||
| There's ones, and it's not all of them, it's just a small fraction of them, but they feel like they're better than people. | ||
| They feel like they've been ordering people around. | ||
| People have been forced to listen to them so long that they have a complex. | ||
| They've been involved in law enforcement for 30 years and you have to fucking listen to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're bullies. | ||
| They're bullies. | ||
| You give people ultimate power, you're going to get ultimate corruption. | ||
| We all know that. | ||
| And even though you don't think of that as corruption, that is absolutely corruption. | ||
| When that guy in that white shirt in the video punches that chick in the face, that's fucking corruption. | ||
| That is 100% corruption. | ||
| Somebody told me that's not a chick. | ||
| That's actually a very feminine man. | ||
| Either way, I say it's a chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I say it's a chick dude. | ||
| Chick-like tendencies. | ||
| Yeah, a very chick-like dude. | ||
| And the guy punches him right in the face with a very sloppy overhand right, too. | ||
| It's a piss-poor technique. | ||
| I really was very upset with this technique. | ||
| You should make a video of you and... | ||
| Or how to punch a protester correctly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, I mean, just take that video and then do the play-by-play like you're doing it for a fight. | |
| Who the fuck taught him how to throw that right hand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And for a 102-pound chick, she takes it well. | ||
| She took it well. | ||
| It was a weak-ass punch. | ||
| But, you know, it's the fact that he thought that he could do that. | ||
| I don't care what that person said to him, you know? | ||
| If someone is yelling at you and calling you names and becoming a problem, and you have to arrest them, then you fucking arrest them. | ||
| You don't have to punch people in the fucking head, you dick. | ||
| What do you think about the preponderance of taser incidents and uses of tasers everywhere? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Not just tasers. | ||
| How about the flash bombs they're throwing on people? | ||
| Did you see that shit? | ||
| That guy was a wounded vet. | ||
| The whole thing is disgusting. | ||
| It's really disgusting. | ||
| It's like these cops are, you know, they're forced every day to go out there and try to combat this ever-growing thing that shows no signs of weakening. | ||
| In fact, shows signs of gaining momentum and strength. | ||
| And that's why all these movements are being taken to try to squash it and try to suppress it because they go Well, we got to stop this now because right now it's 30,000 people. | ||
| What the fuck do we do when it's 300,000 people out there? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| They're gonna come through those doors 300,000 people are gonna come through those doors and they're gonna start throwing people out windows, you know, and I don't think they will I I mean, it's not violent. | ||
| It hasn't been a violent movement so far, but that's what they would do if they had 300,000 people. | ||
| So if you think of, if you're like Mayor Bloomberg, or if you're one of these fucking guys that owns some giant hedge fund, and you've made billions of dollars just raping people your whole life, and then all of a sudden, you picture what you would do if you were all those people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You would think, those people are going to get me. | ||
| They're going to come and get me. | ||
| They're going to storm the gates. | ||
| Even if they stay non-violent, these people are never going to accept that. | ||
| Because they're always going to assume that human nature is always violent. | ||
| So they're going to push these people back before it ever gets to a point where they can't control it. | ||
| And that's why they're clearing these fucking tents out. | ||
| That's why they're trying to... | ||
| I guess they had an old library full of books there, too. | ||
| Yeah, and they threw all the books away. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| You're throwing books away? | ||
| That should be against the law, okay? | ||
| Right there? | ||
| That should be a crime. | ||
| In this day and age of ultimate retardation that we find ourselves in, where people are so fucking dopey that you're throwing books away? | ||
| God damn, man. | ||
| You talk about someone who's not working for the greater good of the people. | ||
| A cop that's throwing books away? | ||
| Yeah, and all in the name of, you know, the supposed name of public safety. | ||
| Oh, it's so gross. | ||
| Well, you know that Chase paid the cops $4.6 million, made a huge donation to the cops? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Isn't that ridiculous? | ||
| Everything behind everything is money now. | ||
| The money that these people are going to try to defeat Obama, the money, the millions and millions that they're raising, that all it's going to is just trying to win an election? | ||
| It's such a messed up system. | ||
| People are starving. | ||
| Those millions of dollars could feed people, and instead they're just putting somebody else in charge who's not, you know, because Obama, as much as he seems to try, you know, there's... | ||
| He's ineffective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everything's going to be ineffective. | ||
| If he loses, if he wins... | ||
| I mean, if he wins, I think his next four years can be kind of interesting because he'll kind of have a nothing-to-fucking-lose kind of attitude. | ||
| Is that true, though, man? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| You know, I don't buy that anymore because I just haven't seen any evidence whatsoever that he has any power at all. | ||
| I don't necessarily believe it. | ||
| I think there's a whole group of people that have got him into position. | ||
| And once those people sit down with him, they explain to him what they would like to get done. | ||
| And that's what gets done. | ||
| And that's why Guantanamo Bay is still open. | ||
| But stuff still slips through the cracks. | ||
| There's no money interest that wanted to get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. | ||
| And he made that happen. | ||
| Yeah, that's a bone that he threw people. | ||
| Yeah, but as bones go, it's pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| That means that gay people are allowed to become hired killers too. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| The fuck kind of advancement is that? | ||
| Well, but they can, you know, gay people. | ||
| You know, it's not that I'm 100% not anti-soldier whatsoever. | ||
| I am for the soldiers. | ||
| What I'm not for is the people that tell the soldiers what to do. | ||
| Every fucking army needs soldiers. | ||
| Every nation needs an army. | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| Human nature is what it is. | ||
| There's a lot of bad fucking people in the world. | ||
| What makes me sick is when bad people take good soldiers and make them do bad shit. | ||
| And they do that for their own good. | ||
| So it's not that I'm against soldiers. | ||
| I'm 100% for soldiers. | ||
| Those are people I understand. | ||
| What I'm not for is the people that put soldiers in situations where these soldiers think they're doing the right thing because they're following orders. | ||
| They think they're doing the right thing because they're going after guys who look like bad guys. | ||
| But the big question never gets answered. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing there in the first place? | ||
| You think you're doing the right thing? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing there in the first place? | ||
| Are you going to stop another 9-11? | ||
| Those guys are dead. | ||
| They're all dead. | ||
| The guys who did it are dead. | ||
| This is how you stop it. | ||
| Don't let that happen again. | ||
| Get everybody over here. | ||
| Fucking put more soldiers in the streets. | ||
| Just have everybody watching stuff more carefully. | ||
| Yeah, keep America safe. | ||
| Make soldiers the TSA employees. | ||
| You can't deny the economic... | ||
| There's no reasons for going over there. | ||
| You can't deny it. | ||
| In the middle of this peak oil crisis, everybody's freaking out about what happens when we run out of oil. | ||
| Is it possible to run out of oil? | ||
| What happens if the prices skyrocket to the point where we get a massive recession? | ||
| And so that's the reason why we go over there. | ||
| We go over there to control the oil. | ||
| Do we go over there because there's not much left? | ||
| I mean, what's really going on? | ||
| Let me know. | ||
| Do you think that all this is leading up to like the protest, you know, getting the troops back here, like all this is just going to lead to something like a new Hands Across America and a new We Are The World? | ||
| It already is. | ||
| I think it already is there. | ||
| You're worried about having to go through Hands Across America? | ||
| The only thing I'm worried about is the We Are The World parodies that stand-up comics will close their acts with. | ||
| That's what I'm worried about. | ||
| Kevin Meaney. | ||
| Another Kevin Meaney. | ||
| I can't even... | ||
| I remember Hands Across America, but I don't remember if I did it or not. | ||
| I don't think it worked, right? | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| It was fake, and they just edited things together. | ||
| It was like, wow, look how far it goes. | ||
| Do you know how many colds were transferred from person to person that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I don't know if I stood somewhere and held hands with two people on the street somewhere or not. | ||
| I think I think my uncle told me it with him. | ||
| You think I'd remember that if I didn't? | ||
| Well, that's what we're talking about. | ||
| Every seven years, you get some shitty files that you have to sort. | ||
| That's been a while since that happened. | ||
| I think my uncle told me it was Hands Across America, but we were in the shower. | ||
| It shouldn't have caused you that much inconvenience, Brian, as an individual. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that big a deal, Brian. | ||
| I think this is a little bigger than Hands Across America. | ||
| The worst is the making of... | ||
| That's weird that you're in fear of another We Are The World song. | ||
| That's so not what's going on here. | ||
| What's going on here is some overthrow the government type shit. | ||
| That's what's going on here. | ||
| What's going on here is people saying, hey, this system right now doesn't fucking work at all. | ||
| This is the only time in our life that I've ever seen this. | ||
| Never seen anything remotely close to it. | ||
| No, every president in my lifetime has raised taxes at a point where taxes need to be raised. | ||
| It's never been this crazy. | ||
| There's never been this much discontent. | ||
| There's never been giant protests all over the world. | ||
| They have occupied Toronto. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Toronto's doing great. | ||
| They're doing awesome. | ||
| They have a good economy. | ||
| They don't have nearly the problems with unemployment that we have. | ||
| They're fucking doing pretty good up there. | ||
| A lot better than we're doing, man. | ||
| But people are still like, fuck it, it's not good enough. | ||
| Was the 55,000 people at Rogers Center, was that the most people at one UFC event ever? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was epic. | ||
| Yeah, and those tickets aren't cheap. | ||
| Though the record is actually being held by, I think in Japan, they've had 90,000 people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's the biggest they've ever had. | ||
| You weren't there, though? | ||
| At least East 80. No, it wasn't the UFC. It was Pride. | ||
| Pride events. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure during the peak of mixed martial arts, they had something like 80,000 plus people, which is really insane when you think about it. | ||
| Because when we did the UFC, it was 55, but then they released an additional 5,000 seats and they sold them too. | ||
| So it turned out to be 60,000. | ||
| It's just they had to figure out how many seats they could have and bring in all the equipment because it was... | ||
| A completely different show. | ||
| It was really stressful for everyone doing it because they had these giant fucking TVs everywhere, so everything is being shown on these 80-foot fucking TVs. | ||
| I mean, it's a huge place, man. | ||
| And people were watching it from the hotel. | ||
| That's really wild. | ||
| The back of the Rogers Center has a fucking hotel with windows wide open, and people had rooms where they could look out their window and watch the fight. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| I didn't even see that. | ||
| Dude, it's the shit. | ||
| That place is huge. | ||
| They play baseball in there, man. | ||
| I mean, wrap your head around that. | ||
| Yeah, well, is that the only place where they gave us... | ||
| They gave us these things that we put in our ears to listen to you call the matches. | ||
| You can get those anywhere. | ||
| Everywhere has them. | ||
| That's just the only place anybody's ever walked up to me and said, here, do you want this? | ||
| They were just giving them out to people for some reason in Toronto. | ||
| And so I listened the whole time. | ||
| I think you should get it with your ticket. | ||
| You're paying a fuckload for your ticket anyway. | ||
| They just hand them bitches out when they get in the door. | ||
| That would be a nice thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's only $10, and you could reuse it at every UFC event. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I don't know what ended up happening with the one that I had, because, you know, I smoke a lot of pot. | ||
| You do smoke a lot of pot, don't you? | ||
| Especially in Toronto. | ||
| I smoked it. | ||
| Toronto's awesome. | ||
| Did you ever do that pot club where you do stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You told me about it, and then I did it this next time I was there. | ||
| We shouldn't say the name, because I don't know how easy it is to get in trouble for that, but... | ||
| I don't think it's that easy there. | ||
| I don't know, but they're awesome. | ||
| I think it's pretty fucking chill there. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they have a vote really soon on decriminalization. | ||
| I think there's something going on. | ||
| I don't know the exact specifics of the situation with their law, but it was deemed that the way the law was written, the cannabis laws, were unconstitutional. | ||
| And they only had a certain amount of time to fight that. | ||
| And they're in the midst of it right now. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's going to be decided sometime before the end of the year, before the end of December, I believe. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, really interesting. | ||
| But their attitude towards it was amazing up there, as is in BC. They just fucking, you know... | ||
| BC has medical now, too. | ||
| If you have a California license, you can go to BC. It's good? | ||
| Yeah, they accept it. | ||
| I was just there for a night, and I had a blast. | ||
| I love going to Canada. | ||
| It's the greatest city in the country. | ||
| Canada? | ||
| Canada is the greatest city in our country. | ||
| No. | ||
| The greatest city in Canada is, you know what, there's no bad one. | ||
| It's a toss-up between Vancouver, like the most fun I've ever had, between Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal. | ||
| Those are the three big cities that I performed at. | ||
| I would say it's a fucking toss-up. | ||
| The only thing in Montreal, there's a certain amount of people that don't necessarily speak English that well. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little more French. | ||
| Most people are bilingual, but there's a certain percentage, the girls it is. | ||
| But also, yeah, that could affect the reaction a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Because it's the language difference. | ||
| You get that a little bit. | ||
| But, damn, those girls are hot. | ||
| And they talk with a French accent. | ||
| But they have horrible brawls, though. | ||
| Even if they're being mean to you. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They have horrible bras? | ||
| Bras. | ||
| I've been with two of those French-Canadian girls, and they both had really creepy bras. | ||
| I think that says more about girls who want to fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| I love that your sampling of two girls is a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's his gallopold. | |
| Make a statement like that. | ||
| That's his gallopold. | ||
| Oh, the two I was with had terrible bras and... | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Do countries have things like bras are more important style-wise, like old woman underwear? | ||
| Did you see any Victoria's Secret when you were there? | ||
| When chicks want to stay warm, they throw less emphasis on sexy underwear. | ||
| In Montreal, in the winter, man, ooh! | ||
| Little sun, it get cold. | ||
| I used to do the old, I used to do Jimbo's Comedy Works in Montreal. | ||
| I still do that. | ||
| I did it last time I was there. | ||
| It was a great little small club. | ||
| It only seats like 100 people. | ||
| I used to do it like way, way back in the day when I'd do the Montreal Comedy Festival. | ||
| But I walked from my hotel to the club because it was only a few blocks. | ||
| That's how I got there every day. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| And it was minus 15, minus 16, I think it was. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And I walked to the club and it was ruthlessly painful, dude. | ||
| It was ruthlessly painful. | ||
| Like, my ears felt like they were going to fall off my head. | ||
| You had to have a wool hat. | ||
| Like, you had to have ear covers. | ||
| It's not like a looks thing. | ||
| Like, you have to have it. | ||
| And you should wear a ski mask. | ||
| If you can get a ski mask, you should wear a ski mask. | ||
| Because your face gets ripped apart by the cold air. | ||
| Fuck that noise. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a fan of that, so I guess we just officially decided Vancouver's the best. | ||
| Vancouver's my favorite. | ||
| Because in the wintertime, it's just got Portland weather or Seattle. | ||
| Vancouver's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| And the people are as cool as fuck. | ||
| That is one of the most marijuana-influenced cities in the world. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| One of the most. | ||
| The movie that I was in, The Union, The Business of Getting High, have you ever watched that? | ||
| My friend Adam Scorgy did it, and it's all about the economy in Vancouver and how much of it is based around marijuana and how insane it is and the American laws and all the horseshit that goes on with legalization. | ||
| But it's a great documentary on how ridiculous the whole scenario is, the fact that it's illegal in the first place. | ||
| We should vaporize while we talk about this. | ||
| You think that thing's ready to roll? | ||
| How long could it possibly take? | ||
| But it's flashing red light. | ||
| Oh, has it been flashing the whole time? | ||
| Is it supposed to be solid when it's ready? | ||
| I don't want to say the name of this product because I don't want to give this guy a bad review because he seems like a real nice guy. | ||
| Isn't the red light... | ||
| You talk. | ||
| I'm going to try it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let's try it and see if it works. | ||
| I'm going to try it real quick. | ||
| Give it a shot. | ||
| So tomorrow we have a Def Squad comedy show at the Pasadena Ice House. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| Doug will be there. | ||
| We'll be doing a podcast beforehand, so the podcast starts 8 p.m. | ||
| Pacific. | ||
| So it's going to be the same deal where people can watch it live? | ||
| Yeah, they can watch it live, and we're going to have John Reap, Little Esther, Yoshi. | ||
| Wait, is this a comedy show or a video game? | ||
| It's a comedy show. | ||
| I like that video game where Little Esther and Yoshi try to get into that castle. | ||
| Or that asshole. | ||
| Joe is trying to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| Do you think it works? | ||
| Yeah, it works. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| I'd like to try it. | ||
| It looks kind of like sucking a cock, though, and you know I'm against that. | ||
| Well, sort of you are. | ||
| Do you usually use vaporizers? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| I don't have any usual. | ||
| I have a myriad of ways to get THC into my system. | ||
| I had a lollipop in the car on the way over here. | ||
| Oh, you animal. | ||
| You fucking savage! | ||
| Those are good. | ||
| And then, you know, people always have joints around that you smoke. | ||
| I'm not a joint roller myself. | ||
| I don't have those skills. | ||
| So easy, though, man. | ||
| I make apples into pipes whenever I'm in hotels because they always have them in the lobby. | ||
| But don't you feel like you're getting a lot of the butane from the lighter in your mouth? | ||
| Don't you taste that shit when you inhale it? | ||
| Through an apple? | ||
| Anytime you use anything, we have to light the weed. | ||
| We light the weed over and over again. | ||
| The thing about joints is you light it once, and you can light it with a match. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| With joints, it's almost become more like a social thing for me. | ||
| I never just sit and smoke a joint by myself. | ||
| You don't get big hits off of it. | ||
| That's why I like... | ||
| You don't get big hits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're such a fucking stoner. | |
| People give you a little pin or joint or something. | ||
| I'm like, oh, that's fun to pretend we're smoking pot. | ||
| Oh, a little tiny joint. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| But, you know, I'd rather have a blunt than a joint and a pipe over, you know, and then bongs. | ||
| You know, bongs, really, like, I hit them so rarely now that they really knock me on my ass, you know? | ||
| And, like, especially, like, somebody puts some, like, fucking hash oil in there or something. | ||
| Because I'm really getting used to just smoking vaporizer in my apartment and, you know, and doing a lot of edibles, so my smoking game is coming down, you know? | ||
| My smoking game. | ||
| Yeah, bongs will show you glitches in the Matrix. | ||
| If you have bongs, you'll have moments where the same exact thing is repeated a second later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| There was this house that I lived in where, in college, I lived with seven girls. | ||
| And it was a two-story house. | ||
| It was just like the real world. | ||
| And we made a bong out of PCP that went from the first story... | ||
| PVC. Yeah, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
PCP is angel dust. | |
| It was made out of PCP, bro. | ||
| Bro, we're fucking crazy, man. | ||
| We made fucking pipes out of Angel Doss. | ||
| And it went to the second floor. | ||
| It was like so huge. | ||
| And there was one guy that could clear the whole thing. | ||
| You don't have to press anything. | ||
| Just hit it. | ||
| Just hit it. | ||
| Just hit it like it's a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like it's a bongo, son. | |
| Doesn't feel like it's doing anything? | ||
| Is it clouding up? | ||
| Damn, he sounds like a teapot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a little teapot, short and stout. | |
| Here's another one. | ||
| It worked? | ||
| That was real good. | ||
| Powerful professional stoner. | ||
| Professional stoner. | ||
| Doug Benson approves of this device. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that seemed like a pretty good hit. | |
| What do you know about this nonsense that the ATF is going to stop people from getting new firearms if you were a medical marijuana patient now? | ||
| Have you heard this? | ||
| I've heard stuff to that effect, and that sounds pretty nutty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridiculous. | |
| It sounds nutty, but it also doesn't hit me at home because I'm not a firearms guy. | ||
| Well, I understand that. | ||
| For me, I have guns. | ||
| I wish everybody that had guns was high. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You'd think more about your fellow man before you pull the trigger. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I hate that when people kind of paint this idea that Pac can somehow... | ||
| I mean, I guess there's some people that it can make kind of crazy, but for the most part, it doesn't... | ||
| It doesn't make you have visions or do things like with alcohol where you do things that you wouldn't do if you weren't drunk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We doesn't really have that. | ||
| Not to me at least. | ||
| Being forgetful or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like behind the wheel of a car, how many people do you know are like when they're high and driving, they're maniacs and dangerous and more of a threat than maybe if they weren't high. | ||
| No, that's the old joke. | ||
| The cop pulls you over. | ||
| Do you know why I pulled you over? | ||
| You're going three miles an hour. | ||
| Yeah, you're parked. | ||
| But even then, every once in a while, I've been trying to write down lately every time I do something stupid when I'm not high. | ||
| I'm not high maybe an hour out of every day, so it's a small window. | ||
| Is that the way that you do your taxes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could do my taxes high, too. | ||
| I mean, I used to. | ||
| Now I have an accountant. | ||
| Doesn't it freak you out, though? | ||
| It does, but you double-check it. | ||
| This is your tax to the Overlord. | ||
| It's like when you're high and you're leaving a hotel room. | ||
| You pace around the room three or four times to make sure you've got all of your items, and then one time out of five, you left something behind and you're just going to have to buy it. | ||
| Check your pocket for $20 to buy a new iPhone adapter at the airport. | ||
| Power adapter. | ||
| I lose it every time I leave the house. | ||
| But it's more than $20, those things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're pricey. | ||
| They're like $100. | ||
| Are they really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what I did was... | ||
| An iPhone power adapter's $100? | ||
| Or no, you know, for the laptop. | ||
| Laptop adapters. | ||
| Laptop ones are like, you know, those ones with the big white square. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But those things, I, you know, lost a couple over the years. | ||
| And then I just finally got wise and bought two. | ||
| And I travel with one and have one at home. | ||
| Yeah, I do the same thing. | ||
| I have a laptop power adapter. | ||
| At least when I get back home, it's there and I'm ready to go. | ||
| I was so confused. | ||
| I thought you guys were talking about iPhone adapters. | ||
| I'm like, how the fuck do they charge $100 for that little thing? | ||
| Those are probably like $30, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| Or $20. | ||
| Apple just released a recall on power adapters, and it's funny. | ||
| It's about time they did something about this, because I've seen this on both my power adapters for laptops and iPhones, where the cord kind of comes out of the plug. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so finally, they're recalling it right now. | ||
| Well, the new ones are much more sturdy. | ||
| We've seen the new ones. | ||
| They're like way sturdy. | ||
| Yeah, technology, man, it's adapting. | ||
| That seems to be the fucking bottleneck, though, is battery life. | ||
| The real battery life, you know, you have to be connected to power. | ||
| You know, real battery life is just not substantial enough. | ||
| They're giving us more power everywhere now. | ||
| Yeah, but the real question is, will there ever be some sort of an infinite battery source or some sort of an amazing battery source where shit lasts forever? | ||
| We'll be able to print power. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how can you do that, though? | ||
| How is something storing power, you know? | ||
| It would have to be like a nuclear laptop. | ||
| It would have to be solar or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| But I'm pretty cool with how it is. | ||
| I don't get caught off guard by my computer running out of... | ||
| Look, I'm amazed that it works at all. | ||
| The whole device is incredible. | ||
| Especially, I know a lot of people... | ||
| I had a conversation with this very intelligent lady, but she was talking to me about Windows. | ||
| And she only uses Windows. | ||
| And the reason why she only uses Windows is because she doesn't like being told what form she buys her computers in. | ||
| She wants to be able to pick her own parts and different things. | ||
| And I understand that. | ||
| But the rational part of me goes, yeah, but Macs don't have viruses, and they work better. | ||
| Done. | ||
| That conversation's over. | ||
| Like, yeah, I would rather, you know, anybody, but the reason why they work so good is because there's not a billion different douchebags making these computers with all these different parts, and, you know, then the operating system has to figure out How the drivers to each individual device work and how they work together. | ||
| I just think Windows is a shitty operating system. | ||
| It used to be good and then they went to... | ||
| XP was good. | ||
| What is it at now? | ||
| Windows 8? | ||
| Is it 7 or 8? | ||
| 7. I just think it's shitty. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I like... | ||
| OS X. And then when it comes to most things you buy for your computer nowadays, everything's USB, Firewire. | ||
| You don't have to have... | ||
| What are you really doing? | ||
| Look, if you didn't have a computer, Windows would be awesome. | ||
| If somebody gave you a Windows 7 computer in 1995, you would shoot a load all over your keyboard. | ||
| You would be so excited. | ||
| But things have changed drastically. | ||
| I felt that way about Kong at one point. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| You couldn't believe you were actually controlling that white line. | ||
| You were controlling movement on a screen. | ||
| And it's fun to get good at it. | ||
| That was another one I was good at. | ||
| Pong? | ||
| Yeah, real good at it. | ||
| The one where you play against the machine or whatever? | ||
| I was great at that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a waste of time. | ||
| This is pre-stoner days too, right? | ||
| That was the one I was really good at. | ||
| My parents used to go to a... | ||
| Yeah, way pre-stoner days. | ||
| My parents used to go to a bar at a golf course. | ||
| There was also a restaurant. | ||
| So they'd hang out there and they'd just bring me along or whatever. | ||
| It was almost like my babysitter was playing with the fucking Pong machine while my parents had some cocktails. | ||
| And I got so good at that. | ||
| And also you used to be able to get free games on pong by the metal thing in the front that you that you put the quarters into the slot if you rubbed your feet on the ground on carpeting and built up static electricity and then had like a piece of metal in your hand like a quarter you could tap it just right and it would throw credits on the on of the machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah, I did it all the time. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| That is crazy! | ||
| Through my life, I've always found all these weird scams that eventually, like, not only do they not save you a whole lot in the first place, just 25 cents, but they also, over time, become worthless. | ||
| But it's weird, the little skills you pick up just to cheat the... | ||
| Like the skee-ball scam, where you just bend over and put it in the 50. And you just keep on getting those tickets and... | ||
| You put it in the 50? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, you bend over instead of throwing it? | ||
| Yeah, you just put it in there. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Why would you want those tickets? | ||
| You really want a stuffed animal that bad? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, God, it takes so many tickets to win anything of value. | ||
| There was always like one, like a beatbox, like a, you know... | ||
| Yeah, you can't help but feel like you got fucked. | ||
| ...that we'd call the day, and yeah, you can't save up to get that many tickets. | ||
| A million tickets for this one. | ||
| Yeah, you're thinking about how much money you spent, how much time of your life has gone rolling a stupid ball. | ||
| All the things I've done that take time, like the amount of time I've spent playing poker, the amount of time I've spent watching dumb movies. | ||
| Are you a road poker player? | ||
| Do you go to casinos when you do the road? | ||
| Just when I'm in a gambling town. | ||
| Yeah, like where? | ||
| I don't seek out casinos everywhere I go, because a lot of places have them now because of Indian grounds or because they're on a boat on the river. | ||
| But I only go if I'm playing the casino or... | ||
| Or live across the street from it. | ||
| That's part of what I love about going to see UFC in Vegas is it gets me away from the tables for like five hours. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I'll just sit and play and play and play. | ||
| I love it, but it's such a waste of time. | ||
| At this point in my life, the thrill of winning a hand isn't really the same because I don't need the money as bad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, back when I was playing, when I was like, you know, I could pay for, you know, rent next month if I win this hand. | ||
| It was a lot more exciting. | ||
| Well, Ari Shafir, at one point in time, was winning more money playing poker than he was making and doing comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was doing well. | |
| He's a good player. | ||
| I only played, like, we were in the same table in one tournament once, I think, but I... I got a vibe off of him like he really knows what he's doing. | ||
| There's still things that professional poker players could teach me that I could stand to learn, but I'm just too lazy to learn all the kind of calculations you should be making during each hand, like exactly how much to bet and all that stuff. | ||
| I'm just goofing around. | ||
| You're just having fun. | ||
| You're not trying to be the best poker player in the world. | ||
| No, but I'm also trying to win through just playing like an asshole. | ||
| Do you ever play chess? | ||
| I did, you know, when I was younger. | ||
| I haven't in a long time. | ||
| That's a great obsession game. | ||
| That game can drive people deep into the hole. | ||
| Yeah, you could spend a lot of time on that. | ||
| Yeah, you can go crazy. | ||
| You can really go mad playing chess. | ||
| Because for certain people, it absorbs their everyday, like they'll be walking down the street and they'll be thinking about moves. | ||
| Like it starts getting to a point where, you know, you see a direct result between the more concentrated you are, the more you concentrate on it, the more you focus on it, the more you start winning and the better you get at playing chess and then you just go, you get lost, then you're crazy. | ||
| Yeah, see that's what I don't do in poker is I don't sit there and evaluate how everyone else is playing and what their personalities are and what he did on that hand and then what he did on the next hand. | ||
| I'm just playing in the moment and I know good cards when I see them or when I have a good chance of drawing a winning hand and I just sort of... | ||
| I did a movie once, and the guy who was renting out the house, they rent out, you know, you want to shoot a movie in a house, you can rent someone's house, like people offer him for rent. | ||
| And this guy was a professional chess player. | ||
| And so, you know, a lot of downtime starting a movie. | ||
| So I'd go hang out with this guy and talk to him, try to figure out what he was doing. | ||
| And he was playing chess online, you know, with all these different people. | ||
| And he was like some super fucking master chess player. | ||
| So it was fascinating that he's got this giant community of, apparently, you could just get chess games. | ||
| Like any time of the day, any time of the night online, whatever level you're at. | ||
| You know, and there's people from all over the world that will play chess with you. | ||
| The same thing with Scrabble. | ||
| Really? | ||
| People are fucking nuts with the Scrabble. | ||
| Oh, they play a Scrabble computer game? | ||
| Yeah, Words with Friends. | ||
| Like where they're playing against people all over the place, so you can do it any time you want. | ||
| That's part of what I love about Twitter, is if I am up in the middle of the night and not asleep for some reason because I've got to go to the airport or whatever, can't sleep, It's so great that, like, the fact that it's international, once you get a certain number of followers, you can, like, you know, I'm sure some people go on Twitter and they're pissed because, you know, nobody that they follow is saying anything or writing back to them, but it's just so, it's such a 24-hour show. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a chat room. | ||
| Yeah, where you don't have to chat with people. | ||
| You can just read what people are saying and pick and choose what you want to respond to. | ||
| The 24-hour aspect is really interesting when you're flying, when you're in England or Europe or something like that. | ||
| The times are all screwed up and weird. | ||
| But you can constantly be tweeting. | ||
| Yeah, and it kind of replaces texting all your friends about what you're doing. | ||
| You just send a tweet. | ||
| That's not going to wake somebody up. | ||
| You don't want to text, oh, I'm at Buckingham Palace. | ||
| They're trying to sleep and the phone's going off. | ||
| It's a good way to... | ||
| I use it as a texting device. | ||
| When I think somebody might not be awake, I just write to them a direct message on Twitter instead of texting them. | ||
| Oh, do you really? | ||
| I don't check those enough. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| You're really slow to get back on those. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I don't check them for weeks. | ||
| It's funny when you write direct messages to people. | ||
| Sometimes they just don't even know that that's a thing that can happen. | ||
| I do that with a voicemail now. | ||
| I don't ever listen to my voicemails. | ||
| And it's probably the dumbest thing ever. | ||
| But that, to me, is just annoying now. | ||
| I went to one guy. | ||
| One guy tweeted me. | ||
| One guy tweeted me. | ||
| It was like, it's a shame. | ||
| Whose fucking phone is on? | ||
| That was me. | ||
| That would wake a person up. | ||
| Yeah, that's brutal. | ||
| Why don't you have that bitch on vibrate? | ||
| He's not used to doing podcasts. | ||
| One guy tweeted me. | ||
| One guy tweeted me something. | ||
| It was on vibrate. | ||
| It wasn't me. | ||
| It was? | ||
| Yeah, see that's vibrate. | ||
| Shit's broken, son. | ||
| Yeah, it's got a weird quirk to it. | ||
| It's because you don't have a case on it. | ||
| You dropped that bitch. | ||
| Tell the truth. | ||
| No? | ||
| I've done pretty good at not dropping it. | ||
| It's my baby, you know. | ||
| I don't drop it. | ||
| This guy tweeted me, you know, it's a shame that you can't reply and say something for help the troops. | ||
| It was like really weird, like phonetically all fucked up. | ||
| And it was all caps to support the troops. | ||
| Exclamation point, exclamation point, one, one, one. | ||
| And then I go, wow, what the fuck? | ||
| This guy expects me to reply. | ||
| I have a half a million Twitter followers, dude. | ||
| Sometimes I don't look at it all day. | ||
| There's no way I can respond to everybody. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| I do. | ||
| So then I thought, you're awesome. | ||
| Every single person. | ||
| You're absolutely awesome. | ||
| You write the letter. | ||
| So then I go to... | ||
| Not every single person, but quite a few. | ||
| I go to his Twitter page, and that's the same message he sent to literally a thousand people. | ||
| He just like... | ||
| Oh yeah, you go look at any time somebody writes something to you that you're wondering about their personality or whatever, you can go and see everything else they've written. | ||
| I love doing that. | ||
| I hate it when it's like, if it says at Doug Benson, at Joe Rogan, at Red Band, some shit, and it's like, well, no, that's what happens. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| It's fine when it's my actual friends are thrown in there like we all have common interests. | ||
| But when somebody just throws in random princess so-and-so... | ||
| Well, that's just a made-up thing. | ||
| Or like people write Snoop Dogg and Doug Benson, you know, something about pot that they think we both need to know. | ||
| But when they just throw in, like, when it's just to me and Kim Kardashian and, you know, Brian Williams from NBC News or whatever, like some weird combination of, you know... | ||
| On the fringe celebrity. | ||
| It's such a turn-off. | ||
| It makes you want to just not respond to them. | ||
| And then you go look at their page and they're just randomly picking names. | ||
| And that's how they do a lot of spam now on Twitter. | ||
| As soon as you get a message that seems like an ad, then you check their page, and it's just sending that same thing. | ||
| I've talked about this already on the podcast, so in the interest of brevity. | ||
| I got hacked. | ||
| I must have clicked on some link to get some Twitter picture or something like that. | ||
| And somehow or another, they tweeted from my account about some contest for an iPad 2. | ||
| And I was following them all of a sudden. | ||
| I was like, wow, this is amazing. | ||
| They hacked into my Twitter account. | ||
| Apparently, it was probably some red tape or some fine print, rather, when you agree to accept some Twitter application. | ||
| It happens every day. | ||
| Not every day, but pretty frequently, I'll see one of my more famous friends or people I follow just because I'm curious about them that... | ||
| Tweeting something. | ||
| They'll tweet something odd or something that seems like an ad, and then the next tweet is like, oh shit, I got hacked. | ||
| Did you see when Ashton Kutcher was tweeting that he was upset about Paterno being fired? | ||
| Yeah, because all he reacted to, and I'm sure that's what a lot of people reacted to, was just hearing that this amazing coach got fired just very suddenly. | ||
| And he didn't stop to think, wow, that big of a move? | ||
| Like, why would Penn State fire a guy so suddenly if something really terrible didn't happen? | ||
| But he still went on and tweeted... | ||
| Oh, man, that's a bummer, or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, he was pissed off. | ||
| Oh, we love you, Joe Pa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would take a shower with him. | |
| Yeah, yeah, and then... | ||
| That's the other guy. | ||
| But then he did, I guess, kind of a good thing to spin it. | ||
| He retweeted every person that wrote to him, you're an asshole, you're an idiot, and he'd just write in each one something like, yeah, I'm sorry, I just didn't know all the facts. | ||
| He sort of responded to a lot of people and showed a lot of the vitriol that was happening. | ||
| You mean a staff at Foxconn responded? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It seemed like something he really did. | ||
| There's a whole factory of people responding to Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| He has all these Chinese workers. | ||
| The ones they use in World of Warcraft to build up your energy. | ||
| They send your account overseas and some Chinese guy plays with it until he fucking starves to death. | ||
| Push his body aside and throw some new student onto the block. | ||
| I'm not cynical enough to think that Ashton didn't do it himself. | ||
| Because it Because it all happened in such real time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just has so many people that I can't believe. | ||
| It seems like to me that when you're a celebrity that's involved in a public scandal like he has, you know, like his most latest one, it seems interesting that he's tweeting people at all, you know? | ||
| It's like you would think if you're going to... | ||
| You're going to read any of the replies. | ||
| You're going to get a lot of people that are going to ask you a bunch of questions that you don't want to answer. | ||
| Do you really want to just go out there and interconnect with people? | ||
| But I guess he does. | ||
| Well, that's the amazing thing. | ||
| How important is it to try to feel like you're getting your side of it out when you think you're misunderstood? | ||
| You know, and at a certain point in time, a lot of people's Twitters become very impersonal. | ||
| You know, when the numbers get too big, it seems like people take less chances. | ||
| They say less things that are controversial. | ||
| A million people writing back to you that you shouldn't have used a certain slur or something when you were trying to, the joke was how inappropriate what you're writing is. | ||
| Like I'll sometimes, if I think of something really dark, I'll just, I'll just, you know, drop it in the middle of the night because a lot of stuff just gets sort of lost in the Twitterverse, you know, like nobody's sitting, most people don't sit and read every single thing written by every single person they follow that because a lot of people follow a thousand most people don't sit and read every single thing written by It's impossible. | ||
| So you're just in this kind of rushing stream of comments, and sometimes they'll land on you because they like you more than other people they follow or whatever. | ||
| But sometimes they'll also, like anything that looks like you're just promoting a gig, they might just breeze past it. | ||
| Every time I play a town, like the day after on Twitter, someone will write to me, when are you coming to? | ||
| And it's that town I was just in and had just been tweeting about. | ||
| But it's just you can't expect everybody to... | ||
| To see everything. | ||
| It's hard to, I mean, think that you're going to communicate. | ||
| I mean, you've got to hope that your Twitter is interesting enough that people are going to lock onto it, you know, and you're going to hope that you build some sort of a community there, and then they're going to be able to follow you on your website, or follow you at your shows, or look through your tweets to find out where you're at, or, you know, do you have a little schedule on your Twitter page? | ||
| So if you go to your Twitter page, you can see what the upcoming dates are. | ||
| I have a, you know, a link to a site where I've got all my dates, but What do you guys think about this new business they have on there with all the activity following? | ||
| Activity following? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| You haven't even clicked on that yet? | ||
| There's a word activity now on the top of your page. | ||
| And if you click on it, you see just a list of everybody you follow, what they're up to. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Who they've retweeted, who they're following. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Too much information. | ||
| And it tells you you get to find out now as soon as somebody follows you. | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| Yeah, I saw that, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| Because that's kind of interesting. | ||
| That's by default, I believe. | ||
| Because then you can, if you're just sitting there looking at it and it comes up that somebody just started following you, it's kind of cool to just immediately send them some sort of, hey, welcome, hope you like it kind of message. | ||
| Especially if she's got big tits. | ||
| Well, dude, yeah. | ||
| Tell me what you do. | ||
| How do you work at Doug Benson? | ||
| It's 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| It's 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Okay, here's the scenario. | ||
| You're alone. | ||
| Stone to the gills. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, and you're just like checking out Twitter and some really ridiculously hot suicide girl. | ||
| Starts following me. | ||
| Weird tattoos just starts following you. | ||
| You know, I might write back and say, you know, hey, what's up? | ||
| Or... | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| So what'd you do? | ||
| Just reach out. | ||
| Just reach out to somebody and see what happens. | ||
| Just a little hi. | ||
| Just a little, hey, what's up? | ||
| Nothing incriminating. | ||
| Nothing creepy. | ||
| Yeah, and then often what'll come back is, I can't direct message you because you don't follow me. | ||
| And then my next direct message says, the system works! | ||
| And then you see how different people handle it different ways. | ||
| Some people get pissed off right away and don't want to deal with somebody where their half of the conversation is public, but your half is private. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| What else am I going to do? | ||
| I'm not on Twitter to have conversations with other people in front of all of my followers. | ||
| Unless you're fucking with them, it's not interesting to read. | ||
| Why don't you just follow them for a little while and then unfollow them? | ||
| It's your precious 420 number that you're trying to protect. | ||
| But no, then I really will play a game where if there's somebody that I want to follow, I will add them and then go through the list and see who's going to go. | ||
| It's usually somebody that I follow that just ultimately their tweets haven't been that interesting because they're like, you know, I follow crazy super famous people just because I think it could be interesting. | ||
| And some I cling to. | ||
| Like, I love following Alec Baldwin. | ||
| I think he's really entertaining. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, and... | ||
| I don't follow him, I don't think. | ||
| But I gave up on Kutcher. | ||
| I followed Kutcher for a while and then stopped. | ||
| Blasphemy. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I stopped a long time ago. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because he just tweets a lot, and for a while there was just a lot of back and forth with Demi Moore that was just kind of like, they were being way too cute. | ||
| Like the whole time you're like, this relationship's not going to last. | ||
| They're putting way too much effort into pretending, or not pretending, maybe actually being in love with each other, but they just won't shut up about it. | ||
| How can you maintain that as a couple? | ||
| PDA on Twitter is gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What if she's a lesbian and he's like her beard? | ||
| No, I think they probably fucked. | ||
| I think they had creepy, weird sex where Bruce came in and licked Ashton's asshole and stuff like that. | ||
| Brian, you just ruined everything. | ||
| You just ruined everything with your nonsense. | ||
| They're all buddy-buddy. | ||
| No, he's mad at Ashton now. | ||
| Oh, now. | ||
| Because Ashton's supposedly having affairs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so now they don't talk? | ||
| Uncle Bruce is going to kick him out? | ||
| But that's the funny thing. | ||
| TV viewers instantly forgive the whole thing about him having affairs, but... | ||
| That show, the ratings might have come down a little bit from jumping out in favor of Joe Pa at the wrong moment. | ||
| That's what's amazing to me about the whole Penn State story. | ||
| That is only one notch above the worst thing a person could do, probably. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| I don't even want to think about what's below it. | ||
| Everyone's disgusted by it, but there still managed to be some people that That are just, you know, defending in some weird way, you know, the people that were involved in the story. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| You know, I was saying how weird it is that the guy's name was Officer, or it was McQueary, the guy who found him in the hotel room together. | ||
| Which, that whole thing now is falling apart. | ||
| His story is not matching what supposedly happened at the time, and Which guy, McQuarrie? | ||
| Yeah, he's saying now that he did go to police officers and that they proceeded to not follow through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Because initially, he's just sick of getting all this shit about people saying that he just went to Joe Pa and he didn't go to the cops. | ||
| So he did go to the cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But now he's saying he did. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| But he testified, you know, because this guy's gone through, you know, people had to testify for and against Sandusky before on earlier charges. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, this is crazy. | ||
| And so at that time, supposedly the report was that he didn't speak to any cops, and now he's saying he did. | ||
| So it's one of those complicated, horrifying stories that it may never end in our lifetimes. | ||
| It may just go on and on and on, just because getting to the bottom of everything that happened I heard someone tell someone else a theory that I heard that is just absolutely mortifying. | ||
| You know this guy Sandusky worked with a children's charity and those were the kids he was bringing to the games and they show pictures of him leaning on these kids and they've got little football helmets on. | ||
| It's crazy that he was showering with them at all. | ||
| The kids and him, neither one of them are playing in a game. | ||
| So why do they even need... | ||
| What's the pretense for being in the showers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like right there. | ||
| The guy's... | ||
| How guilty could he be? | ||
| You know, like I don't care if he actually had sex with him. | ||
| He's just setting up that scenario makes him a creep that shouldn't be allowed to do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And with kids, with these kids that are poor and, you know, and from foster homes or whatever, you know, this charity... | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| things to and it's probably being taken to a football game is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to them and they also don't necessarily understand the implications of what he's doing to them when he physically attacks them. | ||
| Are those photos real of his house like being in the same like the backyard of an elementary school? | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| I'm not surprised. | ||
| I mean, I know they're... | ||
| It shows, like, an elementary school and a little bit of woods and then a house and then supposedly, I don't know if it was just a joke, but supposedly that's his house, like, on the other side of this little woods. | ||
| And I'm thinking, like, that woods is probably, like, that scene in, like, Human Centipede where, like, they go and they find this house in the middle of the other side of the woods and there's, like, a creepy guy that lives in there and molests kids. | ||
| Like, come to... | ||
| You know, he probably like sneaks through the forest and spies on kids at the elementary school and it's just like this creepy rape force. | ||
| We all just start talking and just go. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| When you're fucking high, you just start talking about something. | ||
| Because I never even got to my point, which was that there's a lot of rich people that also pump money into this charity because this guy told them to. | ||
| And so this one law enforcement officer, who I think probably has a good idea about these things, suggested the notion that this guy was grooming kids for boosters to fool around with. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like there was a whole ring of headphones. | ||
| Yeah, like he had a whole system. | ||
| That's a possibility. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like this thing is going to get so twisted and deep. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's amazing that he got away with it as long as he did. | ||
| And the only way he got away with it for 19 years, 20 years, whatever the fuck it was, is if people knew and didn't say anything. | ||
| Period. | ||
| It was the institution. | ||
| It was everyone afraid of losing their jobs, losing the game, losing their... | ||
| They're everything. | ||
| It's so important to them. | ||
| I mean, they rioted when he got fired. | ||
| You saw the riots, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| They were Ashton Kutcher. | ||
| Ashton Kutcher would have flipped a car over if he was there. | ||
| Because the story just got quickly more and more horrifying, but they just reacted immediately. | ||
| That he was fired. | ||
| Yeah, as soon as he was like... | ||
| How horrific must it be? | ||
| Also, for him to come out and say, this is horrible, I'm going to finish out the season and then retire... | ||
| Like, his first move should have been, I'm out of here. | ||
| Like, I'm going to retire and I fucked up. | ||
| But saying, I'm going to finish out the season, that gave everyone, like, this hope that, like, they were going to have a great championship season and then worry about this later. | ||
| And so then when they turned around and really, you know, he ended up being fired or resigned or whatever, however it went down, that's when they started flipping shit over. | ||
| If this story was in a book, it would be too fantastic. | ||
| He'd be like, this is too crazy. | ||
| This is not something that could happen. | ||
| No, it's like a Stephen King book. | ||
| Yeah, it is, really. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| You would think there's no way that could happen for this long. | ||
| There's no way it could go on for 20 years and he could just keep getting away with it and keep mining these... | ||
| The children have such shame and confusion by the incident that they never tell anyone. | ||
| How many kids? | ||
| It's also kids. | ||
| Most of this stuff happens with kids that are familiar with the person that attacks them. | ||
| It's rarely an abject stranger who gets in their life and quickly does something horrible. | ||
| Yeah, we actually spent a good deal of time talking about this in the podcast last night, or last time, about how there were some emails back and forth from some priests where they actually talked about getting boys from troubled homes. | ||
| Getting boys who don't have good connections to their family, they don't have anyone to count on, get them. | ||
| They go after them and groom them. | ||
| Some dark shit, man. | ||
| Yeah, so this Sandusky guy, like we were making fun of earlier, his side of the story talking to Bob Costas was ridiculous. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| Bob Costas is so good at those interviews, too. | ||
| I just wish he would have said, why did you need to shower at all? | ||
| Yeah, that's a good question. | ||
| Why is no one asking that? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, that's a really good question. | ||
| Well, I think everybody... | ||
| But he did press him pretty hard. | ||
| He did. | ||
| I think everybody assumes that guy fucks kids. | ||
| I think everybody's assuming that. | ||
| But they have to be careful in how they proceed with questioning him. | ||
| No, that's what they're saying. | ||
| They're saying that he did this radio interview to spin the court of public opinion. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You know, but I think it just made it worse. | ||
| Way, way, way, way worse. | ||
| Way worse. | ||
| Because he went into it with the hubris and the confidence of thinking that as long as I just go in there and deny it, at least some people might believe me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But then saying, just being such a creep and saying like, I just love being around children. | ||
| No, the answer is no. | ||
| I would never do that to a child. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the answer. | ||
| Isn't there... | ||
| Are there parents that are going to try to murder him now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, that's the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure, right? | |
| I think not only is the media outside his house now, I think that's another crazy thing. | ||
| Letting him go on bail is ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, certainly in jail, I don't think they treat child predators very well. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| Yeah, you have to isolate that guy. | ||
| But isolate him in a jail. | ||
| Letting him go on bail, I don't get that at all. | ||
| I think that guy's going to ice himself. | ||
| He might ice himself or get out of And his access to kids and showers have to be limited at least to a couple hours a week or something like that. | ||
| Access to kids and showers. | ||
| He can't do it daily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| Yeah, because that was what happened to him the first time around is they took away his key to the showers. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They took away his key to the showers. | ||
| That's what the school did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because the first time it happened, they believed him when he said it was just horseplay. | ||
| There was no... | ||
| So he had to only do hot tubs after that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He had to find a new venue. | ||
| Well, he takes them to hotel rooms. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| He brought kids with him on the road. | ||
| They were staying with him. | ||
| It's such an amazing cover. | ||
| I always joke around on stage about how, wouldn't it be funny if I did all I've done to create this idea that I'm a podcomic and it turns out I'm a cop and at all my shows everybody gets arrested? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| You know, like a giant sting operation. | ||
| A lot of people in the pot movement are probably undercover cops. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, there was one that died in a motorcycle accident. | ||
| He would meet at this, it was like a normal chapter, one of those groups, you know, and he was a local guy and he was in this group and died in a motorcycle accident. | ||
| It turned out he was a cop and he was undercover the entire time. | ||
| Or maybe just enjoying himself? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think that was his job. | ||
| I think that's what came out of the story. | ||
| There's a lot of advocates that don't smoke. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is an interesting, like, those people are like saints to me. | ||
| Like, why go to all this trouble for something that you're not doing? | ||
| But they see the big picture. | ||
| Yeah, it's a freedom issue. | ||
| The main issue is, well, why would anybody be able to tell you what you can't do? | ||
| Someone telling you that you can't get high is absolutely nuts. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I always say, if you were on an island with two people... | ||
| And one person said, listen, man, I don't want you getting high. | ||
| You get high, I'm going to put you in a cage. | ||
| He'd be like, I'm going to have to kill this guy. | ||
| Guy wants to lock me in a fucking cage if I get high. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, for any behavior that I want to do, like if he said you can't have sex with a cantaloupe... | ||
| And if there's four people, it's just as ridiculous. | ||
| If there's four million people, it's just as ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous for one person to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. | ||
| That's not going to affect other people. | ||
| It's not an issue where you're ruining the fucking environment. | ||
| It's not an issue where you're damaging the civilization. | ||
| You're not doing anything. | ||
| Well, you're doing it wrong, then. | ||
| You're doing it wrong, for sure. | ||
| Where are you at this weekend? | ||
| Are you going to do the Sunday show at the San Jose Improv? | ||
| Your shows are sold out already, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're sold out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I got one show. | ||
| I got one show at 4.20 in the afternoon on Sunday, San Jose. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| Boy, you are sticking to a meme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to cling to that motherfucker. | ||
| Do you like the show early in the afternoon? | ||
| It's so much... | ||
| Well, you know, you got to play clubs where they don't have a lot of windows, you know, so it still looks like a nightclub or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's still got the same vibe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I've had a really good time because I'm done for the night. | ||
| I'm off for the rest of the night at 6 p.m. | ||
| when I do those. | ||
| And I get to actually go out and enjoy these cities that I visit all the time and never see because I'm in the stupid comedy club all night. | ||
| Not to say that that's not also a great way to... | ||
| You just do them on Sundays? | ||
| But Saturdays and Sundays. | ||
| And some cities I'll come in and I'll do both days. | ||
| Coming up at the Sacramento Punchline, Martin Luther King weekend, I'm going to do a show on 420 Saturday, 420 Sunday, 420 Monday. | ||
| I just hang out there all weekend, have my nights free. | ||
| There's a lot of like-minded people in Sacramento. | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| It's a fun place. | ||
| So that's a really smart thing to do, man. | ||
| So you sort of reorganize the weekend. | ||
| You take a spot where it wasn't ordinarily open. | ||
| You open it for you. | ||
| And you can do it in comedy clubs. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| The only people that show up are the ones that I told about the show through my podcast or through Twitter. | ||
| And so the crowds are great. | ||
| We play that game that I play on the podcast, the Leonard Maltin game. | ||
| We play that with audience members in my opening act, and it's a blast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, people from the audience come up and challenge whoever I brought with me on the road for that particular gig. | ||
| And it's super fun. | ||
| And they're awake. | ||
| 4.20 in the afternoon. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what, though? | ||
| Except in Denver. | ||
| Both times I did it in Denver, somebody managed to get drunk. | ||
| But everywhere else... | ||
| They're sober. | ||
| They may be a few beers in or whatever, but they're not that kind of trash that you see when you do shows at night, especially in a town where there's some sports thing in the afternoon, and they've been drinking since then, so they come to your show and they're pre-drunk before they even start drinking their two-drink minimum. | ||
| So is that how you're doing all your shows now? | ||
| Not all of them. | ||
| I also do, like, I'll go into a club and just be there on a night they're normally closed, like Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. | ||
| Like I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv on Monday, December... | ||
| home improv on tuesday december 12th and they're both huge clubs they're really nice but they're huge so every time i play there you know normally if i have to do two or three shows i'm just not gonna every show is gonna have a lot of empty seats right but if i just go in and do one on a night when they're not even normally open hopefully everybody that's you know into me and has the night available will you know come check it out yeah that improv is gigantic i I think it's 600 plus seats, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| It's a palace. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big goddamn place. | ||
| You know, when you think about how many shows you're doing. | ||
| Two shows on a Friday night and 600 seats? | ||
| Holy shit, man. | ||
| That's a goddamn theater show. | ||
| That's a theater show. | ||
| It's hard to get that many people to come to. | ||
| And it's not really a comedy club anymore. | ||
| Whoa, you're dying. | ||
| What happened to your voice? | ||
| That's the new impression. | ||
| This is Mafia Doug Benson. | ||
| Hey, everybody. | ||
| My eyes are watering. | ||
| I think this podcast is pretty much over. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Yeah, sure, since I can't talk anymore. | ||
| Is that really your voice now? | ||
| For like a minute or two. | ||
| Wow, you're serious. | ||
| You know how you choke on air sometimes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, because I was on one of those tirades where I wouldn't take a breath. | ||
| Do you want a water or something? | ||
| I got water. | ||
| Okay, you're okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Damn, I've never seen anybody fall apart like that before. | ||
| Fall apart? | ||
| I mean, you're okay. | ||
| Look, I can tweet about it, I haven't fallen apart. | ||
| Vocally, just vocally, fall apart. | ||
| I'm trying to pull it back faster than I normally would, but... | ||
| Yeah, I hate that shit. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| When did you start doing this? | ||
| You don't do any weekends anymore? | ||
| You don't do like a regular weekend at a club? | ||
| Every once in a while, but it has to be kind of a smaller club that I really like. | ||
| You don't do midnight Saturday shows, do you? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Three shows in one night. | ||
| That's the other thing I like about doing the 420 shows or even 8 o'clock, but it's the only show. | ||
| I love doing one show. | ||
| Comics would like to go from club to club to club. | ||
| You don't like to do that. | ||
| Well, you have a big chunk. | ||
| What do you do, like an hour or so? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Like I do 45 of stand-up and then an extra 15 or 20 of playing the game and fucking around with the crowd. | ||
| Yeah, and that's pretty much all people want to see. | ||
| And then you're done. | ||
| You feel like you did it. | ||
| You don't want to redo it. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know, it's not a movie where they just start it up again and it's the same thing again. | ||
| Well, the real problem with second shows is sometimes I'll be in the middle of a second show and I'll go, did I do this bit yet? | ||
| Because I can't remember. | ||
| Because I've gone through a whole show and now I'm in the second show again. | ||
| When you're on stage, you're pretty much in this zone. | ||
| And I'm in the zone and I'm like, I'm in the zone, but... | ||
| I've been in the zone for a long time, but did I do that earlier? | ||
| I don't know if I did that joke. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And then you panic. | ||
| You're like, was that the first show or was it the second show? | ||
| Should I try this? | ||
| And then you go into it and you're like, oh my god. | ||
| You kind of have, your bits tend to be on the longer end. | ||
| You don't really bring up things that are super brief. | ||
| Not much of a one-liner. | ||
| In my case, if it's a really short joke, it gets a big laugh when I say it again. | ||
| Because everyone's like, ah, he said it again. | ||
| You don't ever play up the fact that you're high. | ||
| I heard about people doing fake shots. | ||
| I'm like, man, you can't do fake shots. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| No, but... | ||
| Yeah, if the intention is to like, hey everybody, I'm doing a shot. | ||
| But if I tell the staff, send me up fake shots if people offer to buy me one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because you can't say no when a shot comes up to you. | ||
| Unless you're like, if you go, I'm an alcoholic or something. | ||
| If you go, I'm six years sober, I'm not going to do it. | ||
| But with my act and the fact that I've already got a cocktail up there, they'll send me up shots. | ||
| And sometimes I'll do them and I'm fine with it. | ||
| But a lot of times... | ||
| You reserve the right to drink fake shots. | ||
| Yeah, well, and you know, it just gets it over with if you just drink a fake shot. | ||
| And now that I'm telling everybody, yeah, I'll never do it again. | ||
| Yeah, people are going to know now. | ||
| No, the secret's out. | ||
| You ruined your game, son. | ||
| But once, you know what I mean? | ||
| If you do the shot quickly, it's over with. | ||
| But if you stand there and act like you're not going to do it, then people start chanting and make a big thing out of it. | ||
| The worst would be, now all the people that went to your shows before are going to think back of the times you threw a shot back and screamed, yee-haw, and jumped up and down. | ||
| I don't act like... | ||
| God damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Meanwhile, it was just water. | ||
| I don't act it too big. | ||
| I just pretend to drink it. | ||
| Because even when I normally drink a shot, I usually don't make a lot of noises. | ||
| He gets on top of the stool. | ||
| Bring me a fucking glass of tequila! | ||
| And it's just a glass of water. | ||
| Hit it! | ||
| And I do a whole song and dance number. | ||
| Close the glass against the wall. | ||
| Fucking cunt! | ||
| All that and we find out you're just stone cold sober drinking water. | ||
| Putting on a show. | ||
| I'd have to say that It's probably happened maybe four times in my entire career. | ||
| Because the combination of me saying to the staff, send me up a fake shot, combined with somebody wanting to send me up a shot, because it doesn't happen every show, because I'm not... | ||
| So what happens to the money? | ||
| There's some money laundering going on here. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Because a fake shot is not worth anything. | ||
| They're charging someone for a shot. | ||
| It's money laundering. | ||
| Regular shots barely worth the price of... | ||
| But doesn't it seem like there's money that's unaccounted for there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Money laundering. | ||
| Okay, that shit's illegal. | ||
| Well, let me tell you how I balance it out in the rest of my years as a comic. | ||
| When I'm at the bar in a comedy club and somebody offers to buy me a drink, I always turn it down and say, the club gives me free drinks and I don't want you to buy one. | ||
| And then a lot of times they go, well, I want to buy you one anyway. | ||
| It becomes important to do something for you, which I appreciate that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's frustrating to have that kind of argument with somebody. | ||
| Don't spend your money. | ||
| Please don't spend your money. | ||
| To people that have a chance to meet you for the first time, it's important to them. | ||
| I'll stand right there and talk to them. | ||
| I don't say, I don't want you to drink and run away. | ||
| They want to give you something. | ||
| It's a gesture. | ||
| Well, that's why I never turn down weed when people give me weed. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You trust it all? | ||
| You don't ever think, man, I can be smoking. | ||
| We've had this conversation before. | ||
| You're on the more paranoid end of the whole weed thing that I am. | ||
| I've never looked at weed and been like, oh my god, I'm not taking that. | ||
| That looks like... | ||
| Yeah, I just think it's such a crapshoot. | ||
| I mean, let's say I've probably smoked from strangers, either a bud they gave me or some sort of joint. | ||
| It must be in the thousands at this point. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thousands. | |
| Nothing's happened yet, so the odds seem incredibly good that I'll get through a few more years of it. | ||
| Dude, I'm so happy for you. | ||
| I'm glad you pulled through it. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's dangerous though, man. | ||
| What's dangerous? | ||
| Do you ever worry about provocateurs, perhaps cops posing as stoners? | ||
| Want to get high with you? | ||
| Why would they go to that kind of trouble? | ||
| Because you're a voice of the movement. | ||
| What drives me crazy is when they pull over Willie Nelson's tour bus. | ||
| That's some weird shit. | ||
| And get him for pot? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| Find something else or just leave him alone. | ||
| He's in trouble for that. | ||
| They were letting him off the hook, but then someone got offended by the fact that he is above the law. | ||
| Some idiot got offended. | ||
| That's the craziest thing to get mad about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is this guy? | |
| Well, Texas, man, you don't understand Texas. | ||
| Oh, well, a lot of places I don't understand. | ||
| Texas is a real tricky one. | ||
| There's some big cities, and then there's some fucking people that live in a time warp. | ||
| You know, you got Dallas, you got Houston, you got Austin, you got San Antonio, you know, you got some cool cities. | ||
| And then on top of that, you got these weird spots in between the cities that go on forever and ever, and they're massive. | ||
| There's so much room in Texas, man. | ||
| It's a country, you know, it really is. | ||
| It's a giant-ass fucking state. | ||
| But boy, do I love that Austin, though. | ||
| Oh, that's the best. | ||
| That's one of my favorite cities of anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, of all time. | ||
| And that's where I'm going to do... | ||
| You know that Cap City Club you played there? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| I'm going to do... | ||
| Not only am I doing 420 shows, I'm combining my other thing that I love to do now, which is podcasts. | ||
| And at 420 on Thanksgiving weekend, on Saturday and Sunday, I'm doing two different tapings of my podcast, and That I'll then be able to turn around and put out on the internet. | ||
| Because that's another thing I don't like about... | ||
| I love about stand-up comedy, the fact that it's just you in the audience and no one else hears it. | ||
| But thanks to podcasting, I want to get more stuff out to people. | ||
| So this is a great opportunity for me to show up in a town and instead of doing stand-up, I do the podcast. | ||
| So you're saying that you can't put your stand-up on the internet? | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
| I am going to do a thing coming up soon. | ||
| I think my next album is gonna be two discs. | ||
| One is me, like, I'll wake up the day of the shows and I won't smoke pot all day. | ||
| Maybe even stop the day before or something. | ||
| And just be crazy super sober for the first recording. | ||
| And then between the first show and the second show, smoke as much weed and do as much edibles as I can. | ||
| And then try to do the exact same set again. | ||
| Try to do the album again, and then people can listen to both and see the good and the bad. | ||
| Like Lose Your Conclusion 1 and 2. Yeah. | ||
| Lose Your Conclusion? | ||
| Is that Guns N' Roses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But with Doug Benson? | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Baked and Unbaked, or Stoned and Unstoned, or something like that. | ||
| What did Guns N' Roses do? | ||
| Lose Your Illusion. | ||
| Was it two versions of it, or was it just two discs? | ||
| Two different albums. | ||
| It was two completely different albums. | ||
| Brian was just having fun. | ||
| He's a silly boy. | ||
| Yeah, he just says things. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| So you'll sell one or the other? | ||
| Is that one you'll release for free? | ||
| No, no, you buy them both. | ||
| It's a double album. | ||
| You buy them both. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And I also dream of a day where I can do a tour where, like, you know how Pearl Jam sold, like, every night of a tour on CD that one time? | ||
| And bootlegs obviously happen to everybody all the time. | ||
| But I'd like to make my own bootleg and just make, like, do a tour of ten cities and the same act, essentially, whatever I'm doing at that time. | ||
| And then record it in each place. | ||
| And you can buy more than one if you want to see the differences. | ||
| Or you can just buy the one from the city you're from. | ||
| Or from a city you think will be funny to hear me interacting with people of that city. | ||
| That's a funny idea. | ||
| They have a bunch of different recordings to choose from Some comics used to sell recordings of the show That you just went to Yeah They'd sell like CDs And a club or two has tried to kind of toy with that sort of idea a lot of goddamn cds but it also doesn't it only appeals to the drunkest audience members yelled out the dumbest shit you know it's kind of a weird thing to say hereby what you just what just happened right but that's what i'm doing with podcasts like | ||
| Like, I do podcasts where people were there live, and then they listen to it later. | ||
| Yeah, if it's cheap enough. | ||
| And then, like, you collect their email address, and you go, here, I'm going to send you a link to where you can buy this for five bucks. | ||
| You have your podcast set up where some of them are free, some of them aren't? | ||
| Is that how you do it? | ||
| There's a weekly free one. | ||
| A one-weekly free one. | ||
| And then there's bonus free ones that I do, like, where I record, like, if I'm in a rental car with another comic, I'll just record an episode of the show while we're driving. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so I put those up pretty frequently, and then... | ||
| Like, once or twice a month, usually once a month, I'll have an episode that's $2 in the comedy album section of iTunes, which is a fun place to be and to be that cheap, because, like, right now one of mine is, like, number one, because it's only $2, and all the albums behind it cost, like, $8. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So you get a nice placement for a little while. | ||
| And then it falls pretty fast, because, you know... | ||
| People will buy it later, but most people buy it right away or shortly after it becomes available. | ||
| I will ask you off-air how much the money is. | ||
| Well, I don't know if it's just a different route that I've gone instead of having actual advertisers. | ||
| But I am not against having advertisers. | ||
| I just haven't found the right match. | ||
| Yeah, people don't... | ||
| I just got the ones that every other podcast has. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I did those for a while, and I just felt like, if I listen to a bunch of podcasts, if I had to always hear about Audible books, every podcast I listen to... | ||
| But what about 1-800-Flowers, Doug? | ||
| I never did that one, but yeah. | ||
| Or Adam and Eve, or whatever. | ||
| I wouldn't want to hear about the same thing all over the place. | ||
| I think each show should have its own thing. | ||
| Unfortunately for me, movie studios can't really support me because I trash movies. | ||
| And I can't get a movie theater chain to support me because people go see movies at the theater near their house. | ||
| Do you ever feel confined by the theme of your podcast? | ||
| The movie thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I would if I were you and your interest in and the amount of movies you see is so far fewer than what I do. | ||
| So I could see where that could be limiting if you... | ||
| Do you see a movie every day? | ||
| But why would you choose that? | ||
| No, but I don't mean that. | ||
| I mean just you. | ||
| But if you weren't a comic and you worked in UFC like you do, do you think you'd be able to find ongoing satisfaction just talking about UFC as a podcast? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Yeah, so that's how much I love movies. | ||
| It's just that I could talk on and on and on about that. | ||
| But if I just said, do just a UFC podcast every week, I'd feel a little defined by it. | ||
|
unidentified
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But you would. | |
| You would. | ||
| Because you've got so many other areas that you're interested in. | ||
| But I'm saying somebody who's just really, that's their main focus. | ||
| Because for me, growing up, my main focus was just movies. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I wanted to watch them and be in them, and that's all I cared about. | ||
| Do you write scripts or anything? | ||
| TV, too, of course. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit, but I've grown really... | ||
| That's the good and bad of podcasting, is it's allowed me to talk about and participate in what I want to do without ever having to sit by myself and write. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| The process of just sitting and writing something while the outcome is very satisfying. | ||
| Right now, I'm working on a book, and it's torture for me to sit down and write a chapter of my book. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because just sitting there by myself writing is just no fun to me. | ||
| I want to always have a TV on or listening to something or going out and doing something. | ||
| Go to Starbucks. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Is that an ADD thing? | ||
| That's what those guys are. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| I do enjoy sometimes sitting in a Whole Foods or something and getting work done on my computer. | ||
| Yeah, Whole Foods is awesome. | ||
| Because it's fun to have all that weird stimuli around you, but you can still just kind of look at what you're doing and then just look up whenever anything, It gives you ideas too when you're looking around. | ||
| If you have your Twitter handy, you see something stupid happening. | ||
| Especially when you're baked to the gills. | ||
| We've got to wrap this bitch up. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| Thank God I do have the marijuana. | ||
| Not God, but you know what I mean. | ||
| Thank Jesus I have marijuana because that does help to make writing less boring and frustrating. | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
| Thanks for writing. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| Thank you, Doug. | ||
| Thanks for being on the podcast. | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| D-O-U-G-B-E-N-S-O-N. Son Benson. | ||
| Bitches. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| And follow The Death Squad on iTunes. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| And enter in the code name ROGAN. You get 15% off your new girlfriend. | ||
| Don't forget, fuck those things. | ||
| Use it, abuse it, and follow what Doug's instructions are. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement. | ||
| And thank you to also New Mood, the other new... | ||
| And Shroom Tech, which is the athletic performance enhancing supplement that's legal. | ||
| The Chinese Olympic team used it. | ||
| It's a cordyceps mushroom supplement that's really good for... | ||
| It gives you a little boost of extra endurance when you're in heavy-duty, hardcore training and you're working out hard. | ||
| So that's onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and if you go to droogand.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name, or no, not the fleshlight, click on the link for O-N-N-I-T, onnit.com, the alpha brain link. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about, bitches. | ||
| Click on that shit, put in my name, and save some money. | ||
| Or don't. | ||
| Do whatever you want, man. | ||
| I'm not fucking telling you what to do. | ||
| Doug Benson, are you telling anybody what to do? | ||
| No, sir. | ||
| No, sir. | ||
| We might have smoked too much pot before this podcast. | ||
| Just a little bit. | ||
| Before? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| In the middle of it, too? | ||
| In the middle of it, maybe. | ||
| And Doug will be joining us tomorrow on the Ada Pop podcast. | ||
| Yeah, Doug will be joining us tomorrow. | ||
| Tomorrow we're going to be doing the Ice House. | ||
| Tomorrow we're at the Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| The second stage, you want to go to stage two. | ||
| It's a small place. | ||
| It's only 85 seats. | ||
| It's probably going to sell out. | ||
| I'm going to be high-end drunk for that. | ||
| I haven't even tweeted it yet, but we're going to tweet it right after we get off this podcast. | ||
| But they're awesome shows. | ||
| We do them there as much as possible the last time we did it. | ||
| It was a packed house. | ||
| And this time we got John Reap. | ||
| We got Benson. | ||
|
unidentified
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Little Esther. | |
| Little Esther. | ||
| Yoshi. | ||
| Yoshi. | ||
| And a secret surprise guest. | ||
| And a secret surprise. | ||
| It's going to be a big, fat, fucking, chilled out party. | ||
| So enjoy. | ||
| So thank you to everybody. |
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