Nov. 15, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:44:00
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Are we doing it? | ||
| Jesus, I'm not prepared! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| My favorite masturbation toy. | ||
| The only one that I've ever used ever in my life. | ||
| And if they hadn't sent me one, I probably wouldn't have used it. | ||
| But they did, and it is awesome. | ||
| It is way better than beating off. | ||
| And let's be real, everybody beats off. | ||
| So do yourself a favor and just give in to reality. | ||
| Don't touch that thing. | ||
| Everybody's touched that thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's disgusting. | ||
| Everybody's touched it. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| Do yourself a favor. | ||
| Go out and get yourself this amazing, beaten-off instrument. | ||
| It's really a fantastic piece of engineering and design, designed by a guy, actually, whose wife was pregnant, and he couldn't have sex, you know, because it was like six months into pregnancy, and it gets a little sketchy, you know, like, what the fuck am I doing here? | ||
| You know, how creepy am I that I'm sticking, you know, especially if you're... | ||
| If you're like, just let me put it in your mouth. | ||
| You know, she's all pregnant and shit. | ||
| The baby's inside of her. | ||
| You're just trying to get your load off. | ||
| You're better off... | ||
| You feel like you're supposed to be beaten off. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| From personal experience... | ||
| What's the cutoff point? | ||
| Mrs. Rogan liked it all the way up until the end. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But to me, I was like, this is the deal. | ||
| You tell me when it's go time. | ||
| Because I don't want to be the one who's trying to fuck you while you're walking around with a fucking... | ||
| 10 pound baby inside you. | ||
| It's just crazy. | ||
| I heard the ladies like it though. | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| They get really horny. | ||
| They get really horny. | ||
| It's supposed to actually be good to... | ||
| It actually helps the baby come out or something like that. | ||
| It helps dilate you or some crazy shit. | ||
| Does it get hotter to you as it moves along? | ||
| Are you like, oh yeah, 8 months. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is strange, right? | |
| You can only imagine it. | ||
| It becomes almost alien. | ||
| Because you're still horny. | ||
| Everyone gets horny. | ||
| And she's still an attractive woman. | ||
| But the issue is, there's a baby in the mix here. | ||
| And it's on her. | ||
| So it's a very different experience. | ||
| When it's just a woman... | ||
| And her body and your body, it's just sex. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| It's just two people enjoying each other's bodies and lust and passion. | ||
| But when you've got a baby inside a person, boy, that's a totally different mix. | ||
| Totally different mix. | ||
| And knowing that like eight months along that like it's you doing that a time before. | ||
| No, but it's that your swimmers did that. | ||
| So you know it's like your own product is in there. | ||
| Yeah, it's very strange. | ||
| And it's also, you are now acutely aware of what the experience really is. | ||
| The experience of actually having a kid, the experience of making new human beings. | ||
| It is, you know, you have been tricked into some ancient mechanism that's designed to make animals create more animals. | ||
| And you are, most of your life moves in the flows of these needs and wants. | ||
| Whether or not you realize it or you don't realize it, once that baby comes out, you are forced into a recognition. | ||
| It's a real humbling experience because you realize, wow, this whole thing is way bigger than me. | ||
| And you also realize, well, hey, now there's this person that I love more than me. | ||
| This little tiny person. | ||
| I'm responsible for everything that has to do with their life and their education, their experience, and to guide them and protect them. | ||
| So while this is all happening, you're trying to shoot a load into a chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's like you don't feel the same way. | ||
| It's not sexy when you put it that way. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| So, this gentleman invented something that he could relieve his manhood with. | ||
| That he, you know, didn't feel like waking up the wife while she's about to throw up in the morning and stick his dick in her butt. | ||
| He tried to be nice. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about your butt? | |
| Your butt's not pregnant. | ||
| Your butt ain't pregnant. | ||
| So anyway. | ||
| It's fucking gross. | ||
| Do you guys understand that I have to do that at some point? | ||
| I gotta make a life. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| But the biological imperative is there. | ||
| I'm starting to feel... | ||
| I'm 35 and it's starting to kick in. | ||
| And it's terrifying. | ||
| And not the birthing part. | ||
| That part doesn't scare me. | ||
| Because I've taken some huge shits and I feel like I could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could do it. | |
| But the growing inside of me like an alien, and your insides spread. | ||
| It's very psychedelic. | ||
| Life becomes very different than it was. | ||
| Anyway, if you enter in the code name Rogan on the JoeRogan.net website, into the flashlight link, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| That was a commercial, by the way. | ||
| That's how we do our commercials, man. | ||
| This is the only way I can do them. | ||
| I listen to people do canned commercials on other radio shows, and I respect what you're doing, but God, that seems boring. | ||
| I'd rather really say something about it every time. | ||
| I use it. | ||
| It's a fucking awesome product. | ||
| Another awesome product is AlphaBrain. | ||
| We are sponsored by Onnit.com and O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| And there's another thing that we've got now called New Mood. | ||
| And what New Mood is, it's a 5-HTP supplement. | ||
| And a lot of people, like Neil Brennan turned me on to this stuff first. | ||
| And 5-HTP, actually when you take it in, allows your brain to produce more serotonin. | ||
| It breaks down into serotonin and it actually makes you feel good. | ||
| It gives you like a nice feeling of well-being. | ||
| And Neil started taking it and he said he was taking like... | ||
| Like, three or four times what you're supposed to take. | ||
| And I was like, is that, like, safe? | ||
| He goes, I don't know, but I feel great, so fuck it. | ||
| So I started taking it after he told me about it, and it definitely does something. | ||
| It gives you, like, a weird little minor feeling of happiness is, like, the best way to describe it. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| And this stuff, this new mood stuff with this stuff, what we've done and we've taken 5-HTP and added L-tryptophan. | ||
| And L-tryptophan actually breaks down. | ||
| It's like one of the building blocks for 5-HTP. So we take the two of them together, and it gives you sort of like a time-release quality. | ||
| And it's just very, they're very mellowing. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| It's really a good, calming supplement. | ||
| And again, like I say with all the Onnit supplements, if you think they're too expensive or whatever, you can definitely get it for cheaper. | ||
| Just copy the ingredients, man. | ||
| Go online, find the... | ||
| Find the ingredients. | ||
| They're readily available on Onnit.com. | ||
| Go buy the stuff in bulk, and you'll definitely save money. | ||
| And I'm happy if you do that. | ||
| I swear to God I am. | ||
| Is that like calming in general, or like calming before bed kind of thing? | ||
| Well, I take it before bed. | ||
| I take two of them right before I go to sleep. | ||
| take them during the day. | ||
| You know, some people like to take them if they're not getting enough sleep or if they're just extra stressed out or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| It's a real weird world, the world of nootropics, because it's sort of just sort of been explored now and just sort of coming into public consciousness. | ||
| And there's a lot of misconceptions about what it does or what they do. | ||
| And I don't think each one works for everybody. | ||
| There's some that I'm not feeling them. | ||
| I try them and it doesn't do shit for me. | ||
| And there's other people that swear by the stuff. | ||
| So you've got to kind of just, without me getting to too much depth, because it would really take up the whole of the show, go look up nootropics and try a bunch of different things. | ||
| It's fascinating, but I think that they can enhance the way your brain functions. | ||
| It makes it feel a little better. | ||
| It makes it work a little better. | ||
| And, you know, there's a lot of arguments back and forth about this stuff, and for a good reason. | ||
| Because, you know, a lot of people, when you're saying that you can make people think better, boy, that sounds a lot like big dick pills. | ||
| You know, people always say that to me, like, how is what this is bigger than big dick pills? | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| It's better in that it actually works. | ||
| It might not work for you, but it works for me. | ||
| And it works for other people that I know, and it's 100%. | ||
| It's not like a placebo effect. | ||
| It gives me the most lucid dreams that I've never had in my life. | ||
| And the big shift has been taking this stuff. | ||
| And as I said, there's a bunch of different ones available online. | ||
| And a lot of different people have written about them. | ||
| And you could kind of create your own little concoctions. | ||
| It's a fun thing to get into. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| I believe in vitamins. | ||
| I take multivitamins. | ||
| I take minerals. | ||
| I take amino acids. | ||
| I take fish oil. | ||
| I take a lot of different things as well as I juice every day and I drink this kale shake every morning. | ||
| I think I'm a big proponent. | ||
| Have you always been like that? | ||
| I try to be. | ||
| I try to be as much as possible because I'm a big proponent of taking care of your body. | ||
| I know when my body feels better. | ||
| You look terrible. | ||
| Right now? | ||
| Very fat. | ||
| When it doesn't feel good to me, When it's not working well, nothing works well in my life. | ||
| I find that my life is always best in order when I'm in shape. | ||
| Because when I'm in shape and I feel good, then I don't have to worry about that. | ||
| That's out of the way. | ||
| So now I don't feel like a lazy piece of shit. | ||
| So since I don't feel like a lazy piece of shit, all these other things seem to fall in place much easier. | ||
| You said something one time to me that I thought about a bunch. | ||
| You said, I think if you better yourself in one area of your life, it has a residual effect. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I think that's true. | ||
| I thought about that a lot. | ||
| Like that when you are doing something to better yourself, it's not just like if it's working out. | ||
| The benefit is there's a benefit that falls into like your, it can fall into your Creative stuff or your work stuff because you're bettering yourself and it has that residual effect. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because if you work out and you take it seriously, which I've started to more, even though I'm still a lazy shit, like I've started to more, then you think about things more like, well, if I'm going to work out like this, I need to eat better. | ||
| And if I'm going to be tired, I need to rest more. | ||
| And that then will better your other aspects of life. | ||
| You're going to feel more rested. | ||
| You can give yourself awesome advice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The real problem is getting yourself to do what you would advise someone else to do. | ||
| That's where it becomes difficult. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when you try to tell somebody to do something that you don't do yourself. | ||
| Like, hey man, you should work out me while you fucking eat your cheeseburger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, a lot of people do that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| There's a lot of people that do that. | ||
| Because they know. | ||
| Somewhere in the back of their head, they know the advice that they would give themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're just, for whatever reason, not quite bright enough to give it. | ||
| Or not quite motivated, or not quite clear enough, or too conflicted in whatever way, in whatever area. | ||
| You know, everybody's got their own thing, their own confliction that allows them to, you know, branch off into passive distraction. | ||
| But I think the big key is balance. | ||
| The big key is a balance act. | ||
| You cannot only be work. | ||
| You must have fun. | ||
| But you cannot be only fun. | ||
| You must have work. | ||
| There has to be things that get done. | ||
| There has to be information that gets absorbed. | ||
| Your brain and your body. | ||
| If not given a task, if not given a purpose on this planet, starts to think, what the fuck am I here for? | ||
| So the only way for true happiness... | ||
| Ultimately, it is silly. | ||
| Ultimately, we are just one frame in an infinite movie that goes on forever. | ||
| And that, you know, this life might not be important. | ||
| But the only way to enjoy it while you're here is to find things that you enjoy inside of it. | ||
| And you can't totally, completely look at the big picture, but ultimately you can anyway. | ||
| Because even if you look at the big picture with your life and you get past that, you go, well, at least I got past that. | ||
| The fuck you did! | ||
| How about the big picture of the universe? | ||
| How about the big picture of the sun? | ||
| The sun's only gonna last another few billion years. | ||
| Then that bitch is gonna fizzle out, and everything on this fucking planet is either gonna die in some horrible explosion when it goes supernova, or it's gonna freeze to death first. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's all temporary. | ||
| Every fucking thing that's ever been done. | ||
| So you can get crazy like that. | ||
| But what I've found is we're stuck here. | ||
| And the only way to enjoy here is to find stuff you like doing, do that, and have a good time. | ||
| Have a good time with here. | ||
| And one of the best ways to have a good time... | ||
| It's just take care of your fucking body. | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| I think you're totally right. | ||
| Have you ever read Heidegger? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, he said that the meaning of being, capital B, the big picture, is located in care. | ||
| Meaning what we attribute our care or what we give care to. | ||
| So you could care for a pair of headphones and that gives your life inherent meaning. | ||
| I'm sorry, life is not inherently meaningful. | ||
| Are you talking? | ||
| It's meaningful when you care about something. | ||
| When you attribute care to something. | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| Look at the screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Look at the Ustream. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| God, it's killing me. | ||
| What is it doing? | ||
| It's kind of just making... | ||
| Okay, but why are you doing that while she's talking, man? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| It's making the special effect. | ||
| Okay, but why are you interrupting her conversation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not. | |
| I'm just staring at her. | ||
| You were, bro. | ||
| All right, I'll stop it. | ||
| That's what just happened. | ||
| It was pretty sweet, though. | ||
| Okay, we don't care, though, man. | ||
| A lot of people are not going to see this on Ustream. | ||
| So let her finish what she's saying. | ||
| She said something important. | ||
| I love when you scold, Brian. | ||
| Well, that was ridiculous. | ||
| He just interrupted you while you were on a roll. | ||
| It's so fucking disrespectful. | ||
| With some childish shit. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Some childish shit, kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you, Brian. | |
| We love you, but you're a little baby. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| But you're right, and it is about attributing care. | ||
| Because life in and of itself, I don't think life is inherently meaningful. | ||
| I don't think that there is some magical wizard behind the curtain that created all of us and we're all so special and awesome. | ||
| I think it is what you make of it. | ||
| And I wish I exercised more, is the point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| I'm very serious. | ||
| I'm stuck in my head. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I've been this way since I was a little girl. | ||
| When everyone else was running around, I was laying on top of the monkey bars. | ||
| And I've always been super fucking lazy. | ||
| And I wish I had this desire. | ||
| I wish I had your athleticism or just something about me that enjoyed sweating. | ||
| I just fucking hate it. | ||
| You don't have to love it. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| It takes every type of people to make this world go round, but we're going to give you some alpha brain before you leave. | ||
| Maybe once you take that, it'll get your fucking head in gear, and you'll see the light. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Onnit.com link, and enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 10% off. | ||
| That also was a commercial. | ||
| That was a commercial? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was a commercial and a conversation. | ||
| See how we do it? | ||
| That's how we do our commercials here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| At the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. | ||
| It's organic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I grow these bitches in manure, son. | |
| Hit it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| Oh, sweet baby Jesus. | ||
| this The dynamic doer are here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The funniest couple I know. | ||
| The only couple of comedians worth a fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's a couple of other ones. | ||
| I guess Duncan and Natasha are still hanging there. | ||
| Oh, I like them. | ||
| They haven't pulled the trigger, made that shit legal. | ||
| Tom Segura and Christina Segura, who doesn't use the last name Segura on stage. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why do you not? | ||
| Why do you not? | ||
| Together you are more strong. | ||
| Do you want the real talk? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Legally, my name is Segura. | ||
| But, stage and because... | ||
| Official documents, kid. | ||
| But because my parents are Hungarian immigrants, they escaped from Hungary in 1969, went to Canada. | ||
| I was born there. | ||
| I moved to L.A. in 1980. Right. | ||
| So that stupid Polak Pajitski name, it's like my parents fought so hard to get me here. | ||
| And every time I see a club put it on the marquee, it makes me proud. | ||
| And it's a little, stick it to, you know, I'm a fucking dumb Polak and you guys can suck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's who I am. | ||
| And, you know... | ||
| That's very, very admirable. | ||
| Don't you think they would like it more, though, if their name didn't hold you back and keep you from succeeding? | ||
| Yes, absolutely, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Because nobody could remember your fucking name. | ||
| Say it again. | ||
| Pazitsky. | ||
| Pazitsky. | ||
| Good luck spelling that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's phonetic, guys. | ||
| Good luck on Jeopardy for all the marbles. | ||
| The other thing is, at what point, like, if you've started, would you consider a name? | ||
| Like, obviously, you know... | ||
| 20 years in or 10 or 5. But after you've done a couple of things and you have your name and then you change your name, people are like, who the fuck are you? | ||
| Yeah, you could fuck yourself up and start from scratch. | ||
| You were 7 years in. | ||
| Whatever you do, don't hyphenate that shit. | ||
| That's a goddamn cop-out. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| I knew a dude who hyphenated and he took the wife's name last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, somebody lost. | ||
| Vagina. | ||
| Somebody failed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not happening, babe. | |
| We're not doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was also a self-proclaimed feminist. | ||
| He was a male feminist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I believe that can exist, but I don't know. | ||
| I don't like the concept of feminist anymore than I like the concept of masculinist. | ||
| I like the concept of someone who's masculine-centric. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Who the fuck is more masculine-centric than me? | ||
| I mean, everything I do is meathead shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Fucking cage fighting and choking people and small I'm not only concerned with men. | ||
| I'm concerned with the whole fucking human race. | ||
| I mean, you like to dance. | ||
| I dance my ass off. | ||
| I did take dancing classes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| Yeah, I did a dance scene in Zookeeper. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| With the lovely Leslie Bibb, the gorgeous blonde woman from Talladega Nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She played my ex-girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's hot. | |
| I love her. | ||
| It's like I rarely, rarely get to act. | ||
| And my scenes are with her and Rosario Dawson and Kevin James. | ||
| I was like, oh, so cool. | ||
| Yeah, she was really funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's hilarious. | |
| She's great. | ||
| She was great in all those scenes, man. | ||
| I wish I could tell you some shit that this chick would say when we're hanging around in between scenes. | ||
| We're in the van on the way. | ||
| She's fucking hilarious, but out of respect for her. | ||
| And I would not repeat anything she said. | ||
| They were quite shocking. | ||
| Oh, that must be really funny stuff. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She's like a comic. | ||
| She's like a female comic. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| She's hilarious and cool as fuck. | ||
| You're very balanced. | ||
| You like these alpha male things, but I find you to be very balanced and you appreciate. | ||
| Well, the alpha male stuff, you know what? | ||
| I wouldn't say alpha male stuff, just masculine type things. | ||
| Yes, you are masculine. | ||
| But I like. | ||
| Why am I supposed to pretend that I don't like something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I like loud Mustangs. | ||
| I like when you rev the engine and it's stupid and it goes... | ||
| I have a Mustang. | ||
| It's my favorite car. | ||
| It's the dumbest car I have. | ||
| But you know what's good about it? | ||
| It's loud as fuck. | ||
| And it's stupid. | ||
| And I like listening to Leonard Skinner music in that. | ||
| Really fucking loud. | ||
| And you know, yeah, you go, look at you, you fucking loser. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| That is what I like. | ||
| I like watching MMA. I like playing pool till fucking 6 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| These are the things I actually enjoy. | ||
| I mean, I'm not going to pretend, because I did for a long time in my life. | ||
| When I was growing up, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. | ||
| First of all, I grew up in Boston, which is a very pussy-whipped town. | ||
| I mean, it's a very manly town, but there's not a lot of women there, and especially amongst quote-unquote intellectuals. | ||
| I mean, hanging around college people... | ||
| The amount of colleges per capita is really high. | ||
| It's like one of the highest numbers in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boston? | |
| 61, I think, colleges and universities. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| And so most people are really educated and most people are intelligent. | ||
| And when you get a lot of educated, intelligent people and they're trying to impress people, they tend to go towards the super liberal. | ||
| They tend to go towards... | ||
| There's something wrong with you. | ||
| You're a barbarian. | ||
| You need to evolve. | ||
| You would tell someone that you do martial arts, and they would look at you like you're insecure, like there's something wrong with you for pursuing that, that this is something you need to get past. | ||
| I've had those conversations with people where they judge you. | ||
| For the things you enjoy doing. | ||
| And what they're basically trying to do is, look, no one wants to fucking run hills. | ||
| No one wants to beat a tire with a sledgehammer. | ||
| No one wants to do rounds on the bag. | ||
| No one wants to take class and fucking strangle people for hours and hours. | ||
| But the only way to get good at all that stuff is to do that. | ||
| So if you can persuade other people to not get good at all the things that make you uncomfortable, then you don't have to feel as uncomfortable. | ||
| So if everybody was scrawny and sick and smoked cigarettes and drank whiskey all day, you wouldn't have to worry about getting your ass kicked. | ||
| And ultimately, that's one of the reasons how, one of the things, the motivations for people when they do, like, get upset at people for liking other things. | ||
| You know, if you actually love, what do you, like, hot rods? | ||
| You're threatened by it. | ||
| It's threatening. | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing, stupid? | ||
| You like hot rods and big dogs? | ||
| Like, what do you like big dogs? | ||
| Yeah, but the people that say that are always the, like, if they're that critical about what you enjoy, it's because they're less happy. | ||
| They're insecure. | ||
| It takes you a while to realize that, though. | ||
| I thought they were right, and they would be angry and critical with me about things, and I would think that they were right. | ||
| And I would say, wow, you know, maybe I am a... | ||
| And then eventually it took me a while to go, why do they care? | ||
| It took me a while to go, why are they giving me a hard time for things that I enjoy? | ||
| If I like listening to Kiss, I like Kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be in my car, come on and love me. | |
| I'll sing along. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll fucking sing along. | ||
| I think most people don't get to that point. | ||
| I think it is something you start to figure out as you get older. | ||
| I was having this thought literally earlier today. | ||
| Don't you ever look back and think about people that were in high school with you that you feel like had that clarity but you don't realize it until you're older? | ||
| You're like, that person's disposition and their outlook was incredible at like 15. I think it's their parents. | ||
| You grow up in an environment where your parents don't buy the bullshit. | ||
| It's way easier to not buy the bullshit because You know, my parents were very unusual. | ||
| My dad is a, my stepfather's a hippie, and he was a computer program and then an architect. | ||
| He's a very, very bright guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who was always, you know, a pot smoker, too, when I was young. | ||
| And you openly, like, would tell you, like, him, or would you smoke with him? | ||
| I smoked with him when I was eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No way! | ||
| Just once to see what it was like. | ||
| Because I asked him, I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| You guys are smoking pot? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| And he goes, you want to try it? | ||
| And I go, can I? He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, just a little, but you can try it. | ||
| And he gave me, I don't remember the effects. | ||
| I don't remember what happened. | ||
| Probably fucked my brain up for life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I was taught really early on to don't believe the hype. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That there's a lot out there that's bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of laws. | ||
| I got confused about something being illegal. | ||
| I'm like, but it's illegal. | ||
| This is illegal. | ||
| And my stepfather was always like, let me tell you something, laws that are not there to protect people, they don't need to be there. | ||
| Those laws are nonsense. | ||
| And it was a really interesting way he put it. | ||
| The laws that don't protect anybody are just bullshit laws. | ||
| And I was like, wow, who the fuck ever thought? | ||
| And then it really is when you really start to think about personal choice laws. | ||
| I remember in New York, you couldn't get tattooed. | ||
| Tattoos were illegal. | ||
| For a while, back in the 90s, I had to go to Connecticut to get a tattoo. | ||
| I was like, how fucking stupid is this? | ||
| When I grew up in Boston, kickboxing was illegal. | ||
| We used to have to go to Rhode Island to fight. | ||
| We could fight in Taekwondo tournaments in Massachusetts, but we had to go to Rhode Island to fight. | ||
| Why? | ||
| The more laws there are, the more problems there are. | ||
| Let people figure out what the fuck they like and let them pursue it. | ||
| We have way too many laws and we have way too many people that have a career in not just protecting these laws, but enforcing these laws and building more laws. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's like there's a whole business. | ||
| People always say, kill the lawyers first. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It really is ridiculous when they can catch little imperfections in the text and the language that things are written and they can exploit these things. | ||
| Why is everything so fucking complex? | ||
| It is a business. | ||
| Or the lawsuit, yeah, to sue somebody over... | ||
| You know, in Hungary, there's an amusement park that the roller coaster is made out of wood, and it doesn't even stop to let you on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Yeah, dude, it's from, like, the Russian communist group. | ||
| And it's the most fun and scariest shit, because you could fucking die. | ||
| Oh, fuck that! | ||
| How slow does it go to get on? | ||
| Maybe like five. | ||
| Down to five. | ||
| And you literally, like the people in it, jump off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You run in. | |
| And then the fucking bar doesn't even come down on your lap. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| And you better hold the fuck on. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But you think anybody sues the amusement park if they fall off? | ||
| No, it's your fault, dummy. | ||
| You rode the... | ||
| Well, I think you should be able to sue for certain things. | ||
| I certainly think they should fix the fucking rollercoaster. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| What I'm saying is that there's a lot of laws that are in place that just don't need to be there. | ||
| Sometimes things are just ignored. | ||
| Common sense and public opinion. | ||
| It's common sense to not buy crack. | ||
| If you want crack, you can get crack. | ||
| Yeah, crack's illegal. | ||
| There's no crack... | ||
| People that are out in the street protesting why crack isn't legal. | ||
| There's no crack advocates. | ||
| There's no crack legislators. | ||
| But you can go get it. | ||
| If you want to go get it, you can go get it. | ||
| You want to arrest the guy who's selling it, this poor fuck that's running around selling crack? | ||
| What you need to do is make treatment centers. | ||
| What you need to do is find out what the fuck happened to this poor kid that he thinks it's okay to sell crack. | ||
| That's the real fundamental problem. | ||
| I don't know anybody if I said, hey man, we're going to sell something that makes your dick fall off. | ||
| You know, they know it's going to make their dick fall off, but we're going to sell it anyway. | ||
| Are you down? | ||
| You want to make some money? | ||
| I don't know a single person that would go, what? | ||
| I'm going to make people's dick fall off? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| So if you wouldn't do that, would you sell crack then? | ||
| Would you sell something that's going to ruin people's lives? | ||
| Of course you wouldn't. | ||
| There's no way you would do that. | ||
| Nobody would want that over their head. | ||
| I mean, even if it was a lot of money, man, you would consider it because you really do hate to be broke, but you don't want to do anything ultimately that ruins lives. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's the real issue. | ||
| The real issue is why are these people willing to sell crack? | ||
| Why are these people willing to put other people's lives and put themselves and their wants and their selfish desires ahead of all these other people's lives? | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| It's a desperate world, desperate situation. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that crack is legal. | ||
| It's that anybody would want crack. | ||
| The real root of the problem is not that crack is illegal. | ||
| It's that why would anybody want crack? | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| Have you ever smelled crack? | ||
| It smells terrible. | ||
| The real problem is, who's educating the children? | ||
| Who's raising them? | ||
| Who's exposing them to certain things? | ||
| Who's protecting them? | ||
| Who's making sure that you develop a person that doesn't have anger and hate and selfishness inside them to the point where they want to sell people poison? | ||
| Poison that they're addicted to. | ||
| A lot of shitty parents. | ||
| A lot of shitty parents, man. | ||
| That is the real root of the issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| That's the real, real root of the issue. | ||
| You see it in adults, you can tell right away you had a really bad upbringing. | ||
| Well, you see it when you have kids and your kids are around other people's kids. | ||
| You see people fucking scream at kids when you know where they learned that shit from. | ||
| You see them angry and hit each other with sticks and shit. | ||
| You see weird shit with kids that you know is going on at home. | ||
| Did you see that video of that lady, the young girl getting beat by her father who was a judge? | ||
| Yes, I saw that. | ||
| Dude, you don't even want to watch it. | ||
| It's horrendous. | ||
| She was 16 at the time, and her dad is a judge in Texas. | ||
| And he's a family judge. | ||
| Planning judge. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he beat her with a belt for downloading shit off the internet. | ||
| I think she downloaded some illegal stuff off the internet, like, you know, wares or something like that. | ||
| Songs, music. | ||
| So she downloaded it illegal. | ||
| He beat her with a fucking belt. | ||
| I mean, beat her. | ||
| Like, full blast whips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a while. | |
| And he's yelling, I didn't get my lick in! | ||
| I didn't get my lick in! | ||
| And this is a guy who did not know he was recording, being recorded, right? | ||
| So this is what this guy's like. | ||
| That's when it's really terrifying. | ||
| When you see people behind their mask, you know, this guy, his mask is that he's a judge. | ||
| And by the way, they're not even going to pursue charges against this guy. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| There was a statute of limitations on that. | ||
| Yeah, that's insane. | ||
| That's an assault. | ||
| It's not even just beating your kid. | ||
| We used a weapon. | ||
| That guy should be in jail forever. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| You pussy. | ||
| You hit a little girl with a belt. | ||
| What, because your life is frustrating? | ||
| Because you're getting old? | ||
| Because your dick doesn't work anymore? | ||
| Which is it? | ||
| Which is it that causes you to pull the trigger on beating your fucking baby with a belt? | ||
| Mind-bumbling. | ||
| It's hard to watch. | ||
| I would never stop hitting that guy if I saw that happen. | ||
| I would never stop hitting that guy. | ||
| I would never run out of one more. | ||
| I would just keep giving him one more. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You want to beat a baby with a belt? | ||
| A girl? | ||
| You fucking piece of shit. | ||
| That that could even be argued that that guy is not a plague. | ||
| A blight on society. | ||
| You fucking shithead. | ||
| You could do that to your daughter? | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Man, shun you, you fuck. | ||
| You should live on a mountain now. | ||
| No one should talk to you. | ||
| You should be locked up in a fucking cage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, man. | |
| And the pedophiles, too, for that. | ||
| Yeah, this fucking Sandusky thing, this Joe Paterno thing. | ||
| Holy shit, is this dark. | ||
| You know what's really crazy? | ||
| The guy who found him and turned him in, his name is McQueery. | ||
| It's almost like this is fiction. | ||
| It's almost like the world is becoming more... | ||
| As 2012 comes along, the story falls apart. | ||
| The plot starts to reveal itself. | ||
| The writing behind the script. | ||
| Look, a guy named Weiner was a politician who was sending pictures of his dick to girls online and thought he could get away with it. | ||
| I mean, what? | ||
| Rush Limbaugh takes so many Oxycontins, he goes, deaf. | ||
| What? | ||
| That was the best, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| This guy, McQueary, finds the most beloved football coach ever is guilty of shielding another beloved assistant coach from fucking little boys for 20 years! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This guy was taking these kids on fucking trips. | ||
| They were staying with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was boning little boys for years. | |
| And they allowed them to. | ||
| They allowed them to. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I mean, we should be allowed to beat them publicly and pedophile. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what the solution is to sterilize them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have to be killed. | |
| They have to be killed. | ||
| You have to kill them. | ||
| They've destroyed lives. | ||
| I don't think people would be... | ||
| They forfeit their right to live. | ||
| Irreparable damage done to those kids. | ||
| Yeah, they've destroyed all those boys. | ||
| That guy fucked will never be the boy that they could have been without getting fucked by themselves. | ||
| That guy owes a hundred lives. | ||
| He owes a hundred thousand lives because he owes every life that these poor fucked up kids are going to interact with and perhaps molest boys because of what happened to them. | ||
| That's why it happens in the first place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| So this motherfucker caused a ripple effect, and this McQueary guy, who still has his job, even though he didn't go running to the police. | ||
| You know, everybody wanted to keep their job, it seems like. | ||
| It seems like they were shielding this guy, and everybody wanted to keep their job. | ||
| But the guy who saw the boy getting fucked in the ass should have ran straight to the police. | ||
| That's McQueary. | ||
| Wait, but that's not what happened, right? | ||
| You know that they weren't fucking. | ||
| Oh, they were horsing around. | ||
| They were just horsing around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They were just sliding on the floor. | ||
| That guy's story is that he heard a rhythmic slapping and came in to see a 10-year-old boy with his hands on the wall while this guy was fucking his little boy ass. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| And then did you see the development today as far as the email? | ||
| No. | ||
| So McCreary sent out an email to friends, and they had excerpts of it on the news that said that, he said, you guys know I didn't just turn and run away, like they're saying. | ||
| I had to make quick decisions. | ||
| I made sure it stopped. | ||
| So he was saying that... | ||
| How does he make sure it stopped without following that fucking pedophile? | ||
| He's suggesting that he intervened at that moment. | ||
| He intervened? | ||
| Well, stopped it. | ||
| In other words, the first reports said that he saw it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That he walked away. | |
| Right. | ||
| He, in his email, is saying, I didn't just see it and walk away. | ||
| I stopped what was happening. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| So he separated? | ||
| This is his version. | ||
| Did he say why he didn't go to the cops? | ||
| No, because they just got a copy of an email he sent to friends. | ||
| It doesn't go into that duty. | ||
| How did he not go to the cops? | ||
| Yeah, you have a duty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| That's the part that people are saying that he went to his father, and then the next day... | ||
| He went to whose father? | ||
| He went to his own father to tell him what happened. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then the next day, he went to Paterno. | ||
| And then Paterno told the athletic director and maybe the president or the athletic director told the president. | ||
| Well, that guy's a guy who's trying to keep his fucking job and that's pretty gross. | ||
| What that guy's supposed to do is call the cops. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| Everybody knows that. | ||
| First call is to the cops. | ||
| Or at least some street justice. | ||
| And you don't let that motherfucker leave. | ||
| Yeah, you don't let that motherfucker leave. | ||
| You beat that old man senseless. | ||
| You leave him there and then you call the cops. | ||
| That old fucking creep fucking that 10-year-old boy. | ||
| You're supposed to want to be violent because if you have a tribe, okay? | ||
| It's a tribe of a few people that care about each other and protect each other from all the other fucking terrible things in the world. | ||
| When you find something like that, that's a goddamn disease. | ||
| The real problem is that we have so many people. | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| There's 300 plus million of us on this one continent. | ||
| And because of that, not even one continent, one piece of the continent, America... | ||
| And because of that, we devalue each other, man. | ||
| We don't appreciate each other and we don't appreciate threats like that. | ||
| Threats become over there. | ||
| They're a threat over there. | ||
| We can separate from it. | ||
| I live in a gated community. | ||
| I close my door at night and turn on my alarm system. | ||
| I have a gun. | ||
| I'm not worried. | ||
| We need to get rid of all those problems. | ||
| And if you had a community and you had a guy like this paterno fuck who allowed this other fuck to bang little kids in the asshole and didn't have him locked in a cage, you're supposed to tell the both of them. | ||
| You were not looking out for the community. | ||
| You guys were looking out for your own asses. | ||
| All of you. | ||
| From the guy who caught him who didn't go to the cops to the paterno guy knew. | ||
| They all fucking knew. | ||
| You can't be around a dude who's banging kids in the ass and not know. | ||
| You cannot! | ||
| You cannot! | ||
| This guy's taking little boys on the road with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's really dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was sitting on the road? | |
| Yes. | ||
| He had a charity to help little kids that were underprivileged or in troubled homes. | ||
| And it's the craziest thing. | ||
| But there was some priests that had written some stuff about finding boys. | ||
| It was really dark shit. | ||
| And they shared emails back and forth. | ||
| But one of the things that they were saying was that look for boys with troubled childhoods. | ||
| Look for boys who don't have a good relationship with their parents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And those are the ones they prey on. | ||
| The boys who are lost and alone because they're vulnerable and they'll do anything for love. | ||
| They don't even know why they're having sex with a man. | ||
| They just know that they're happy that this man cares about them because the people at the orphanage don't. | ||
| That this man is buying them toys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would do this. | |
| He would buy them toys. | ||
| He would take them to games. | ||
| He would do all these things and bone them. | ||
| It's like classic priest shit. | ||
| It's the classic priest shit. | ||
| The level of planning and evil that goes into... | ||
| I'm going to set up a foundation. | ||
| A charitable foundation for troubled kids. | ||
| And we're trying them and we're convicting them right here on the show. | ||
| And I know that's wrong. | ||
| We can assume... | ||
| I know that's wrong, but if that Sandusky guy isn't, if he's not arrested, and that the McQuarrie guy, how is he not in jail? | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| Sandusky didn't do himself any favors with that interview that he did on air yesterday with Bob Costas at all. | ||
| Oh boy, man. | ||
| Oh my god, when... | ||
| Like, there's just... | ||
| So you get it? | ||
| Can you get it, Brian? | ||
| It is... | ||
| Hair. | ||
| I would like to hear it. | ||
| The answers are so obviously not the correct answer. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's... | ||
| First of all, there's Stuffy Volunteers, which if you have doubts, you should probably have far less doubts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like what? | |
| What was it on? | ||
| It was on NBC. It was on Rock Center with Brian Williams. | ||
| Sandusky? | ||
| Yeah It's There's certain things Like if I don't know Was it Matt Lauer Who interviewed it No it was Bob Costas Oh Bob Costas He's even better He's tremendous Bob Costas is a brilliant man Yeah Very smart guy His grasp of the English language Really makes you feel Excellent He's a great guy too I don't know words He beat me up on news radio. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, we had a scene, a fight scene on news radio. | ||
| And he flipped me. | ||
| He flipped me on the ground. | ||
| He's a brilliant guy. | ||
| Yeah, I got a chance to talk to him all night. | ||
| He was really cool. | ||
| Very smart guy. | ||
| Well, there's just things like, I mean, I don't know if we're going to get the interview or not, but like when you... | ||
| You know, when you're asked, uh, are you a pedophile? | ||
| Are you sexually attracted to young boys? | ||
| What do you think, like, somebody who isn't, what would they say? | ||
| What's the correct answer to that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| Okay, well, what about, am I attracted sexually? | ||
| I mean, I'm not sexually. | ||
| Define attracted. | ||
| Yeah, but, uh, can I just bring up an Oprah Winfrey thing I learned on the Oprah show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would love to hear this. | |
| The web is buzzing on Bob Costas' telephone interview with Jerry Sandusky. | ||
| Speaking for the first time since... | ||
| It doesn't seem like it's right. | ||
| Is this not it? | ||
| The interview. | ||
| No, they're talking about the interview. | ||
| That's not it, obviously. | ||
| Just look for the interview. | ||
| Yeah, the audio is amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| But Oprah, because Oprah was molested, and she had this whole segment where she brought pedophiles on the show, and they actually got to say how they court these children, why they do it. | ||
| And anyway, basically, they groom children. | ||
| Like you said, the vulnerable ones, they can tell which boys or girls are psychologically Fragile. | ||
| And they groom them. | ||
| So that's what that's called. | ||
| Where they give them the candy and the courtship. | ||
| And actually family members too molest a lot. | ||
| She's like, if you have an uncle that is really into hanging out with your girls, have them sit on my lap. | ||
| That's actually how it happens. | ||
| It's the neighbor. | ||
| It's the uncle. | ||
| It's not the stranger. | ||
| It's actually people that you know. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with him? | ||
| It's a red band. | ||
| I think it's like faulty products. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is it. | |
| Innocent? | ||
| Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect? | ||
| Good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I could say that I have done some of those things. | |
| I have horsed around with kids. | ||
| I have showered after workouts. | ||
| I have hugged them and I've I have touched their leg without intent of sexual contact. | ||
| So if you look at it that way, there are things that would be accurate. | ||
| Are you denying that you had any inappropriate sexual contact with any of these underage boys? | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| Never touched their genitals, never engaged in oral sex. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Mike McQuarrie, the grad assistant who in 2002 walked into the shower where he says, specifically 10 or 11 years old, that his hands were up against the shower wall and he heard rhythmic slap slap slapping sounds and he described that as a rape. | |
| I would say that that's false. | ||
| What would be his motive to lie? | ||
| You'd have to ask him that. | ||
| What did happen in the shower the night that Mike McQuarrie happened upon you and the young boy? | ||
| Okay, we were showering and horsing around and he actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were As I recall possibly like snapping a towel, a horseplay. | ||
| In 1998, a mother confronts you about taking a shower with her son and inappropriately touching him. | ||
| Two detectives eavesdrop on her conversations with you and you admit that maybe your private parts touched her son. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| I can't exactly recall what was said there in terms of What I did say was that if he felt that way, then I was wrong. | ||
| During one of those conversations, you said, I understand. | ||
| I was wrong. | ||
| I wish I could get forgiveness, speaking now with the mother. | ||
| I know I won't get it from you. | ||
| I wish I were dead. | ||
| A guy falsely accused or a guy whose actions have been misinterpreted doesn't respond that way, does he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't say to my recollection that I wish I were dead. | ||
| I was hopeful that we could reconcile things. | ||
| Shortly after that, in 2000, a janitor said that he saw you performing oral sex on a young boy in the showers in the Penn State locker facility. | ||
| Did that happen? | ||
| How could somebody think they saw something as extreme and shocking as that when it hadn't occurred, and what would possibly be their motivation to fabricate it? | ||
| You'd have to ask them. | ||
| it seems that if all of these accusations are false, you are the unluckiest and most persecuted man that any of us has ever heard about. | ||
| Oh, I don't know what you want me to say. | ||
| I don't think that these have been the best days of my life. | ||
| Sandusky's attorney, Joseph Amendola, insists the charges filed by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania... | ||
| The attorney got a young girl pregnant. | ||
| He got a teenager pregnant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| When he was 49, now you can kill it. | ||
| 49 years old, he got a teenager pregnant. | ||
| Yeah, it goes on. | ||
| It goes on. | ||
| Birds of a feather. | ||
| I think you're totally right that you shouldn't convict somebody just when charges, but then if you did have your doubts, does that make them fade away? | ||
| Yeah, that cements it that this guy's a creep. | ||
| No question about it, that's not how you respond. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| People that are guilty, that are pretending to not be guilty, never realize how other people see them. | ||
| They always just try to, you know, stay calm and keep it together. | ||
| You would be freaking the fuck out. | ||
| If that was you, and all of a sudden someone was saying that Tom Segura has been touching little kids and blowing them in a bathroom, you would go crazy. | ||
| You wouldn't be, you'd have to ask them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| There's no fucking way you would leave it at. | ||
| You'd have to ask that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's right. | ||
| You'd be like, I have no idea. | ||
| This is horrifying. | ||
| It's disgusting to me, too. | ||
| Et cetera, et cetera. | ||
| It's not only that. | ||
| It's put me in this terrible position where it'll never be erased from some people's memories that have heard this. | ||
| It's a terrifying thing. | ||
| If you think someone falsely accusing you of being a child molester like this, if someone was really falsely accusing you, you would be trapped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's unbelievable. | |
| You'd be like raging. | ||
| You'd be like, I haven't done anything. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| And people have been falsely accused before. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I would like to see how they react. | ||
| Because it doesn't sound like that. | ||
| Do you know of any popular cases? | ||
| I wish I did. | ||
| I just assumed. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| I just assume that people have been. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Especially, I mean, I'm sure it's happened for sure. | ||
| It has to have happened. | ||
| In Molestation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In Murder Once, that always, like, it blows my mind when you see, like, DNA exonerate somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they served, like, 20 years. | ||
| And you're like, that person was in prison. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For 20 years of their life. | ||
| In a hardcore prison for like murders and rapes and shit. | ||
| And the whole time he was like, I didn't murder somebody. | ||
| Everybody was like, sure, dang asshole. | ||
| Like, I'm sure you didn't. | ||
| Did you see that guy that fought on Manny Pacquiao's undercard? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| No, tell me. | ||
| No, it wasn't Manny Pacquiao's undercard. | ||
| It was like a week or two before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy was 52 years old. | ||
| He had just gotten out of jail where he was in jail for I think 29 years. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| For a crime he didn't commit. | ||
| He got... | ||
|
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I would die in jail so fast. | |
| It's horrific. | ||
| It's so sad, so scary. | ||
| He was boxing champ inside. | ||
| He won his comeback fight, 52 years old. | ||
| He had a professional boxer. | ||
| He actually looked really good for a 52-year-old. | ||
| He was in good shape. | ||
| It's just so disappointing and depressing. | ||
| Just his philosophy, too. | ||
| I saw a piece on him before the fight and just how he wasn't wanting to kill everybody in the world, even though I can't imagine the anger you How long would it take him to be sane again? | ||
| How long would it take him to bounce back? | ||
| That's a long goddamn road. | ||
| He has a great attitude. | ||
| Way better attitude than people who haven't served 29 years. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I wonder how he pulled it together like that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| It's really sad. | ||
| And that's the one reason why I'm not 100% for capital punishment. | ||
| I mean, I'm for capital punishment when you absolutely know, but the reality is, man, there have been bad cops, just like there have been bad postmen. | ||
| Don't you think people would not be, like, you know, there's a certain amount of people who oppose the death penalty for crimes you can commit now? | ||
| Don't you think there would be less people opposed to it if it were for child molestation? | ||
| If you're like, that's a punishable by death crime now. | ||
| Well, you'd have to prove that the person was 100%. | ||
| Yeah, but if they were. | ||
| If you could prove it 100%, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I think it would be harder to get people to pull the trigger for child molesting because a lot of people have creepy uncles that they love that are probably deadlers. | ||
| So I think it's more prevalent in our society than we'd like to admit. | ||
| And it really is a symptom and a side effect of the sexual repression that we all enjoy in this country. | ||
| They're wired that way. | ||
| If your kink is that, it's unfortunate because how do you express that kink? | ||
| Well, I think at the root of a lot of really fucked up deviant behavior is a lack of sexual choices and a lack of sexual education and the fact that it's dirty, the fact that sex is forbidden, the fact that it's something that you feel like you're getting away with when you do it. | ||
| And then you add to that fucked up people that molest kids and you throw that all in a big batch together and then you have these kids That grow up with this fucked up memory and they repeat the same behavior over and over again. | ||
| And what is the root cause of it? | ||
| I mean, all of it has got to be like shitty parenting. | ||
| Shitty parenting and the kid being molested, right? | ||
| That's the root of all of it. | ||
| But also, you know, there should be a little bit more knowledge. | ||
| We should be a little bit more open about what the fuck is going on sexually with people. | ||
| Like in high school, do you think they have classes where they talk about people that are just trying to fuck you? | ||
| Do you think they have a class like that? | ||
| Oh, they should. | ||
| I wish they did. | ||
| Where they say, hey, look, this guy with candy and the open van, he's just trying to fuck you. | ||
| He's trying to fuck you and your ass. | ||
| Wouldn't that be great to tell 10-year-olds? | ||
|
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|
Sure. | |
| They really should know, right? | ||
| Because otherwise, the first time they get raped, they're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| They did for drugs. | ||
| I had D.A.R.E. Drug Resistance Education. | ||
| All it did was teach me what drugs I wanted to do when I was old enough to do them. | ||
| It didn't really teach me shit. | ||
| Remember when you had to pass around the fake drugs that looked like cocaine? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, that was the best. | |
| Or actually, it was real stuff that the police had confiscated. | ||
| And you're sitting there looking at real weed when you're like 12 going, wow, this is cool looking. | ||
| I've never seen this plant before. | ||
| But wouldn't it have been more valuable? | ||
| I can get some. | ||
| My brother's got some. | ||
| Wouldn't it have been more valuable if they were like, hey, if some guy tries to fuck you in a van, run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there used to be PSAs. | ||
| Don't ever trust any adult that's by themselves and wants to take you somewhere. | ||
| Stranger danger. | ||
| In the 80s, they had PSAs. | ||
| Don't talk to strangers. | ||
| Don't open the door if you're alone. | ||
| So terrifying. | ||
| They don't do that now. | ||
| So terrifying. | ||
| Every now and then you'll see someone somewhere, some fucking sketchy looking person and you just wonder, wow. | ||
| I do think it is the unacceptable, unfixable kink. | ||
| I think it's like there's bad wiring and there's some products that you're like, this thing doesn't fucking work. | ||
| It's a broken person and there's really no... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everything else, if you're like, this is what arouses me, you can get your, you know, but this is the one that's like, you can't, sorry. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| And it's a psychological issue, too. | ||
| It might not even be sexual, so like, making them impotent might not even do it. | ||
| They might still want to touch the kids and do weird stuff. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Cut their balls off. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if it's psychological or it's just purely sexual. | ||
| You know, I think it's a weird fucking obsession. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Terrible, terrible obsession. | ||
| And it needs to be fixed. | ||
| Someone needs to figure out a way to fix that. | ||
| I think probably there is a way with psychedelic drugs, but they haven't pursued it enough to figure out what's the right dose and how to administer it correctly. | ||
| If someone's a child molester or someone's done something fucked up and you give them a heavy... | ||
| Heavy dose of ayahuasca or heavy dose of ibogaine or something like that, I guarantee you they would be so disappointed and disgusted with themselves. | ||
| They would either kill themselves or they would never ever do it again. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I think that's true with a lot of people, a large percentage of the population. | ||
| I think most people, like when a guy said he wanted to kill himself, I wish I was dead. | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| They don't want to live this way. | ||
| They're just stuck in this goddamn feedback loop, this horrible loop that they got in as a small child. | ||
| That Sandusky guy was probably molested when he was a kid. | ||
| Probably by another football coach or something like that. | ||
| I think that I saw in a story that his parents started a home for kids, and he lived in that home growing up. | ||
| Oh, bingo. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| That's where he got it. | ||
| Yeah, he got it either from one of those kids that he went in the home with, because a lot of those have been molested. | ||
| If you're going to share a home with troubled children, a lot of their troubles are sexual. | ||
| God damn it, man. | ||
| Yeah, goddammit, man. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what? | ||
| While this fucked up country is overseas stealing heroin and minerals in Afghanistan and pretending that it's for our greater good, they could be over here trying to fix the real problem in this country, which is fucking the youth. | ||
| The real problem is the quality of our fucking plants that are growing, the quality of our seeds that have been planted, the quality of the human beings that are developing right now. | ||
| And for a good percentage of them, it's a fucking mess! | ||
| And no one wants to fix that. | ||
| Could you imagine if we had an entire country of people that lived in a good neighborhood? | ||
| An entire country of people that lived in a place where you didn't have to worry about your kids getting fucked by some creepy man. | ||
| You mean the Netherlands? | ||
| Where it's awesome? | ||
| Sort of, but even there. | ||
| The Netherlands and Holland? | ||
| A lot of crazy shit goes on in Holland. | ||
| Holland's a dark place. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know enough about it. | ||
| Yeah, the Red Lake District, all those whores. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just for tourists. | ||
| I don't think the native Dutch... | ||
| I was just there a few weeks ago. | ||
| Did you stand up out there? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for some Showtime thing. | ||
| The natives were saying, like, we don't go to those places. | ||
| The Dutch are actually conservative people socially. | ||
| So it's more just... | ||
| It's a business thing. | ||
| They realize that that's what attracts us dopey Americans. | ||
|
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|
Well, we can smoke dope in public, and we can fuck hookers. | |
| And it's so crazy to us. | ||
| We can have sex, and we can do all these things, and that's why we go over there and do that. | ||
| And English boys, too. | ||
| Holland is not an innocent place, though, by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
|
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I'm sure. | |
| It's a wild-ass place. | ||
| Do you know that's where some of the best kickboxing in the world comes from? | ||
| No! | ||
| Really? | ||
| The Muay Thai in Holland is at some of the highest level in the world. | ||
| A lot of fighters from other countries go to Holland to train in kickboxing. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| Yeah, there's a great culture. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a great culture of kickboxers from that part of the world. | ||
| They're repressed. | ||
| There was a few guys back in the day, and there's a bunch of them that came successful. | ||
| Particularly this guy, Ramon Deckers, who went over to Thailand and fought. | ||
| The best ties in the world. | ||
| And he was a small guy, so he was the size of the ties. | ||
| And then there was a guy named Rob Kamen. | ||
| And Rob Kamen was a larger, bigger guy. | ||
| You met Rob, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's a big dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's a bigger guy. | ||
| He looks like it would hurt. | ||
| He's probably the best kickboxer that ever lived. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and he's real super technical. | ||
| And he's from Holland as well. | ||
| They're all crazy. | ||
| They're wild, wild people, man. | ||
| Yeah, fun people. | ||
| Did you see that sports science on Boss Ruten's game? | ||
| Kicks? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| They were like, this is all wrong. | ||
| All the readings are off. | ||
| Yeah, he'll hurt you. | ||
| And then he did it again. | ||
| They're like, your insides are being traumatized if you get kicked by this guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Boss Root can kick fucking hard. | ||
| He was one of the first guys in mixed martial arts fighting. | ||
| He was really fighting in an organization called Pancrase, which is sort of a hybrid... | ||
| It wasn't quite mixed martial arts. | ||
| They had weird rules. | ||
| You could kick full blast, but you couldn't punch to the face. | ||
| You could only slap to the face. | ||
| You could only pull your hands back and use open palm strikes. | ||
| But what Boss Rootin figured out how to do is pull his hands way back. | ||
| He had really flexible wrists. | ||
| So really, he was punching you with his palm. | ||
| Because with most guys, they were slapping, which doesn't have the same impact. | ||
| But what Boss was doing... | ||
| He was pulling his hands way back like this, and he was throwing punches. | ||
| He was the first guy to figure out that he could throw punches with his palms, and he was fucking people up. | ||
| And he would kick them, and you would just go, whoa, nobody kicks that hard in this style of fighting. | ||
| He was kicking like a real powerful Muay Thai guy would kick, but he was applying that in MMA. He was one of the first guys. | ||
| One of the first pioneers. | ||
| Yeah, it's a crazy goddamn sport. | ||
| The sport of fighting is crazy. | ||
| I don't mean to brag, but I studied Kung Fu for two years in Griffith Park. | ||
| Tai Chi? | ||
| No, I did Kung Fu style, and my teacher taught us those Muay Thai kicks, and she said that they get calluses on their shins. | ||
| Well, you sort of do, yeah. | ||
| They get kind of numb. | ||
| A lot of guys have bumps and knots and shit. | ||
| You get bloody spots and bruises, and they heal up, and it gets tough eventually. | ||
| Some guys even kick bamboo trees and shit. | ||
| They kick banana trees. | ||
| And they kick it just to kind of... | ||
| It kind of has some give to it, but it's still pretty hard. | ||
| It does feel good to kick stuff hard. | ||
|
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Does it? | |
| Yeah, I miss it. | ||
| What do you think about when you do that? | ||
| Goddammit, just... | ||
| What do you think about Tom? | ||
| Mommy is just... | ||
| Oh, never! | ||
| No, I don't treat you like the enemy. | ||
| I don't have anger. | ||
| How come you guys get along so well as a couple and as comics? | ||
| Because a lot of times, you guys are genuinely happy. | ||
| Neither one of you guys is tortured. | ||
| And you seem better together. | ||
| You actually seem better together. | ||
| We all have that friend that when they're with their other, they're different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that sad? | ||
| It's fucking sad, dude. | ||
| I think it's sad to watch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a buddy that can't do anything right when he's with his girl. | ||
| She's always, what are you putting it there for? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Why is this over here? | ||
| Sit down. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| Are you ready? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like always, there's always a nag in there. | ||
| But you guys are like buddies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know why, though? | ||
| I think some women, they make their spouse the enemy for some reason. | ||
| They're unhappy with something inside of them. | ||
| But with Tommy, I think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How do you avoid that? | ||
| I'm in therapy. | ||
| I go to psychotherapy. | ||
| And I work out my shit. | ||
| And I do it professionally. | ||
| And also, because we're both comics, I think Tommy's way funnier than me, and I accept that. | ||
| And I like him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I respect you as a comic, and I respect you as a person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's why you get along? | ||
| Because you realize he's the fucking man. | ||
| Yeah, dude, he's awesome, right? | ||
| You guys kiss. | ||
| No, you kiss. | ||
| You kiss and I'll sing. | ||
| What are you going to sing? | ||
| Make it romantic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just you and I. Oh, that was so cute. | |
| That was beautiful. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The thing that people ask me all the time, they're like, are you guys competitive? | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I guess because comics sort of inherit their competitive, but in a relationship, that's way different. | ||
| Some people, it's their whole thing. | ||
| The competition is their whole thing. | ||
| But female comedians are considered novelty acts. | ||
| I think there's still enough sexism in comedy where people are like, You guys ready for a lady comic? | ||
| And I'm like the circus act in a normal lineup. | ||
| So my career, what I'm trying to say, is never going to conflict with Tommy's. | ||
| It's preposterous to think that we're competing for the same. | ||
| No one's career competes with anyone else. | ||
| Right, and that too. | ||
| You have to realize that somewhere along the line, that when your friends do better, you do better. | ||
| Everybody together does better. | ||
| You all grow together. | ||
| But everybody gets fucking selfish and they don't want their friends. | ||
| I mean, I know a lot of comics that, I mean, we all know a lot of comics that don't like the other people around them to be funny. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| They want to hold everybody back because somehow or another they feel like it makes them not funny. | ||
| I remember I had a conversation with somebody and they were saying, why the fuck do you take Joey Diaz on the road with you, man? | ||
| Oh, he's so funny. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's ridiculous. | ||
| I was like, because he's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| What kind of stupid question is that? | ||
| But to them, it was ridiculous. | ||
| What they did, and this was a headliner I was talking to, a national guy, and what he does is take a fucking terrible comedian on the road with him. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| And the terrible comedian would go on there and eat his own dick for 20 minutes, and then he'll go out and look like a goddamn hero. | ||
| He'll rescue it. | ||
| The bar has been lowered. | ||
| These people are looking to laugh. | ||
| So he has a couple inferior comedians on before him, and then he goes out there and he looks like a fucking superhero. | ||
| thinking these terrible thoughts. | ||
| This person's going to usurp my power. | ||
| People are going to be seeing them. | ||
| I'm going to be opening them up for him. | ||
| And they start thinking crazy, man. | ||
| And it's stupid. | ||
| It's a dumb thing to do. | ||
| It's a trap. | ||
| You can never be jealous. | ||
| You can only be inspired. | ||
| If you feel any negativity, just fucking push it aside. | ||
| Ignore it. | ||
| Reject it. | ||
| Refuse it. | ||
| And just say, man, how awesome is that guy? | ||
| I wish I was that funny. | ||
| I'm going to write more. | ||
| I want to go do this. | ||
| I think that both Christina and I have both always been the type of person that likes having funny people around. | ||
| We genuinely enjoy funny people, and we never... | ||
| even when they're huge personalities, because neither one of us has huge, overbearing personalities to people. | ||
| So especially offstage, when I'm around, I feel like when I'm around Joey Diaz, like a fucking movie is playing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like somebody just pressed play on a fucking funny movie. | ||
| How am I not going to, I'm going to watch him. | ||
| I mean, I've been at your shows, we're backstage, and I pull up a chair and I'm like, so have you ever been, like I ask him a question. | ||
| Have you ever been to Phoenix? | ||
| And he's like, Phoenix! | ||
| Let me tell you something about it. | ||
| We robbed this guy in Phoenix. | ||
| I robbed him with a cap gun. | ||
| My nose was bleeding. | ||
| I was up for three days. | ||
| One of my nipples was gone. | ||
| Not only is it not threatening, it's like the biggest joy of the night is to sit around. | ||
| Or you ask stupid Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he tells you a story. | ||
| He's like having a fucking TV on. | ||
| Having a show going on, constantly. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I feel about Joey, always. | ||
| I always feel like Joey's like a show that we bring with us. | ||
| He brings the party. | ||
| He brings the party. | ||
| That's why he goes up first, too. | ||
| I mean, he's a goddamn national headliner. | ||
| Joey's one of the best comics in the country. | ||
| And he goes on first. | ||
| And the reason why he goes on first is because he wants to. | ||
| He wants to go out there dancing and he brings a party. | ||
| And he likes it. | ||
| And he also likes the challenge of warming a room up. | ||
| It makes the material stronger. | ||
| Joey's really calculated about his comedy. | ||
| You would think that being this wild, crazy guy that he just kind of wings it. | ||
| But he also thinks about it a lot. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| He has a lot of thought behind his comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe that. | |
| And he thinks that it's good for your comedy to go up cold like that. | ||
| He likes to do it. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| You know, that's how they used to do it in Boston. | ||
| I was just talking to a buddy about this. | ||
| They used to do a night. | ||
| They would do Don Gavin's show. | ||
| And Don Gavin was a national headliner and one of the biggest acts in Boston. | ||
| And he would go on stage first. | ||
| And it was his show. | ||
| And he would be the host of the show. | ||
| And so he would bring up... | ||
| We're going to do Thursday Night at the Ice House again this week. | ||
| So if you're around... | ||
| Come on down, bitches, because it's a party. | ||
| It's an awesome show. | ||
| It's really, really intimate. | ||
| Only 85 seats. | ||
| And it sold out last week. | ||
| It'll probably sell out this week, too. | ||
| Who else is doing it, Brian? | ||
| I'm going to announce the whole lineup tomorrow, but John Reap is going to do it. | ||
| Your friend Yoshi's doing it. | ||
| And I got some other secrets. | ||
| That was so much fun. | ||
| Last week was a blast. | ||
| So fun. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| Yeah, they're the awesomest crowd. | ||
| Oh, the best. | ||
| Yeah, just the best. | ||
| They're on board from the first minute. | ||
| Yeah, they're so cool. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| That's the greatest joy to me is that whenever I go to comedy clubs, people always say how nice my crowds are, that they're nice and generous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I hear that all the time, everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They are. | |
| People are so nice. | ||
| They tip. | ||
| They drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're awesome. | |
| They know how to drink. | ||
| They fucking keep it down. | ||
| They're not amateurs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But say this show that we're going to do Thursday night, if we were going to do it in Boston, I would go on first. | ||
| It would be like the Joe Rogan show, and I'd go up and I'd bring all these different people up, and then at the end, you'd do like 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever it is, and close it out. | ||
| So that's what the guys would do. | ||
| They would do a little bit in the beginning, and then they would fuck around. | ||
| In between each act, they would fuck around. | ||
| Do you want to do that Thursday? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's a ridiculous way to do it. | |
| But does that take the steam away from being a headliner, then? | ||
| I think it does, a little bit. | ||
| Well, I think it takes the steam away from a set, because I want to see someone... | ||
| When I see a guy like Stan Hope or David Taylor or something like that, I want to see a 45-minute set plus. | ||
| I want to see an hour or something like that. | ||
| Because when you see a 45-minute set or an hour set, then you see a real set... | ||
| You get to fully sink in the experience of them shifting subjects and building momentum and changing gears, and it's all this one thing. | ||
| It's like seeing Avatar in two chunks. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You wouldn't want to do that. | ||
| It's a great movie, but you'd want to watch the whole thing. | ||
| It'd be just as good. | ||
| You'd probably enjoy it still if somebody put an Adam Sandler movie on for 20 minutes in the middle of Avatar. | ||
| But it wouldn't be the same. | ||
| I'm not ever calling my act Avatar. | ||
| But I think anything you do where you're fully, wholly concentrated on that moment, I think it would make it better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| So I don't like doing it like that. | ||
| And don't you find that's the key? | ||
| I mean, we always talk about this, how some comedians become so... | ||
| Well loved and so successful. | ||
| Like Larry the Cable Guy, I love shit and dick jokes. | ||
| I'm not above any of that. | ||
| But I think his fans and people that love him just want to hang out with that guy. | ||
| Yeah, he seems real friendly. | ||
| Get it done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| You want to be around that guy for 45 minutes and be in his world. | ||
| It's not necessarily who's the best craftsman of the wording of the joke. | ||
| It's your essence. | ||
| That's totally true. | ||
| You as a human being. | ||
| Yeah, and I've heard people say that he's racist. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, well, he has some jokes, some racial jokes, but what the fuck? | ||
| You know, this is the real issue. | ||
| The real issue is why we live in a world that everyone's so goddamn fucking sensitive. | ||
| You should be able to joke about everything and anything. | ||
| You know, especially these radical Muslim fucks. | ||
| These guys have really got everybody in a corner because you can't even draw Muhammad. | ||
| You draw Muhammad, they want to stab you. | ||
| Like, really, dude? | ||
| I'm going to draw your guy and you can't even draw him? | ||
| What if you draw him real good? | ||
| You know, it's like Leonardo da Vinci wants to draw Muhammad. | ||
| He can't? | ||
| You're going to shoot him? | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You guys are being ridiculous. | ||
| When you cut humor out of the equation, when your society is humorless, when there's things that are off subject, you cut out all lines of inquiry. | ||
| You cut out real observing. | ||
| And then you force everybody to sort of subscribe to a predetermined pattern of behavior that's politically correct. | ||
| Because unless you can tell jokes about shit, then I don't know. | ||
| You might tell a joke about something that's absolutely horrible and it's not funny at all, but in trying, you test the waters. | ||
| And sometimes there's some preposterous shit going on and if you say people can't joke about it and then one guy does joke about it and fucking knocks it out of the park and everybody's howling, guess what? | ||
| That guy that joked about it's got a point. | ||
| And you might not want to deal with that point because you're living in a fucking fantasy world where you want everybody to not talk about your particular subject. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Whatever taboo you got going on inside your head. | ||
| Whether it's religion or sexual or whatever. | ||
| Whether it's, you know, saying certain words or whether it's, you know, saying you don't believe in God. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| If you say that someone can't draw Muhammad and someone can't make a South Park, they couldn't even make a cartoon where they pretended they were going to draw Muhammad. | ||
| I mean, what was the full extent of this? | ||
| Muhammad was actually on South Park. | ||
| But he was... | ||
| In the early days, before this happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the second one, he was a black bar. | ||
| But then they stopped him from putting Muhammad on again. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And they made him do it like Muhammad was a teddy bear. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Yeah, he was a weird-looking teddy bear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| But it was some ridiculous shit where they were being threatened. | ||
|
unidentified
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Weren't they? | |
| Like, you know those guys. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't remember that. | ||
| That was a while ago. | ||
| They were being threatened. | ||
| And I know that one... | ||
| People have been killed for it. | ||
| And it was that one woman that had to change her identity because she tried to make a certain day draw Muhammad Day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and she kind of went deep with it and thought she was being cute. | ||
| And they're like, bitch, we'll cut your fucking head off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you want to play cute? | ||
| My appeal to my radical Muslim friends, please. | ||
| The path that you're taking by cutting people's heads off for drawing your guy is not the good one. | ||
| You don't need to concentrate on such silly things. | ||
| This is a crazy way of doing it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But the problem is, man, that part of the world has a lot of shit in its environment that has been there for 10,000 years. | ||
| And it's very difficult to change things. | ||
| The best way to change things is the way America changed things, by moving. | ||
| Everybody moved here a few hundred years ago from somewhere else, and then this was the next stage of change. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you live in a place where there's not that much physical change over the hundreds and hundreds of years... | ||
|
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|
Have you been to Afghanistan? | |
| No, I haven't. | ||
| It's the Middle Ages there. | ||
| I was there in July, and it's literally just like shitty brick walls and just like mud huts and then the woman in the burqa. | ||
| And if your husband really loves you, he builds a wall. | ||
| Around your backyard, so the wife doesn't have to wear a burka while she's doing chores in the backyard. | ||
| It's like, it's the year 1300 there. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Very, yeah. | ||
| I have a buddy that went over there and he said they catch men fucking boys all the time. | ||
| That's right, yeah, that's what they say. | ||
| What about, tell them the oil rig off of Iraq, Iran, the oil rig? | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| I did a show in between Iran and Iraq on an oil rig, an oil platform. | ||
| It was a mile long, half Iraqi soldiers and half U.S. Marines, and the Marines were teaching the Iraqis to guard their oil. | ||
| And so I was sleeping on this tanker, and it smelled of gasoline all night. | ||
| And you would see the... | ||
| Not armpits? | ||
| Well, they stink, too. | ||
| Yeah, boy, oh boy. | ||
| But you would see spy ships roll up. | ||
| Anyway, I got to tour the Iraqi barracks. | ||
| You see spy ships? | ||
| Yeah, they try to... | ||
|
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|
Iran would pull up their tanker. | |
| What? | ||
| Yeah, and they would have the word Iran on the side of the boat, but then they would black it out with black paint. | ||
| Like, we are not Iran! | ||
| We are not Iran! | ||
| Come on, really? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, I have pictures. | |
| I will show you the pictures. | ||
| So they pull up to this... | ||
| This used to be Iran shit, and we sold it to somebody else. | ||
|
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|
This oil rig. | |
| So they're spying on us, training the Iraqis, and I got to tour the Iraqi barracks. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| First of all, I mean, it's just... | ||
| It's completely... | ||
| Look, we're really great at being military. | ||
| The Americans have that shit down. | ||
| Like, the Marine Corps is... | ||
| We're fucking real. | ||
| And they have barracks. | ||
|
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|
They're just wires loose, water bottles loose... | |
| They would take shits, they hang their ass over the oil platform, take a shit in the water, and then fish in the water they just shit in, and then eat the fish. | ||
| There's a lot of water. | ||
| I doubt that shit's going to have an impact. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| All the seasoning those guys eat, it probably tastes pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not bright to fish where you shit. | ||
| I really don't think they can shit that much to have an impact on the ocean. | ||
|
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|
Shitting aside, they take some really big dumps just in. | |
| But sitting aside, what else? | ||
| Well, actually, when you think about it, how many guys are there? | ||
| Well, here's another thing. | ||
| How many guys were on the... | ||
| 50 guys? | ||
| 100 guys? | ||
| No, more than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
More? | |
| 500? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's a lot of shit. | |
| That's a lot of shit. | ||
| That might have an impact after a few months. | ||
| Especially, well, here's the thing, too, is, like, if you're... | ||
| If you shit, like, right now, and I'm just like... | ||
| And then you cast a line. | ||
| You gotta cast it away from where you shit. | ||
| You gotta, like, keep a map. | ||
| Where'd you shit last night? | ||
| Oh, right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here. | |
| It's a spot. | ||
| Don't fish there. | ||
| Wait, but can I tell you the grossest part? | ||
| Okay, so I went to their rent, and they had mattresses that were folded, dirty, dirty mattresses up against this wall. | ||
| And I was like, what are the mattresses for? | ||
| And the guy was like, well, it's a thing called Man Love Thursdays, because Thursday is, or Friday, I forget what it is. | ||
| And these days they put the mattresses down. | ||
| And then the guys, they fuck each other on the mattresses. | ||
| And I know, I mean, who knows if that's just like us being douchebags. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he also said that he broke up fights where one guy... | ||
| Wait a minute, what? | ||
| Who knows if that's like us being douchebags? | ||
| I'm saying like Americans being like, and then the Iraqis are a bunch of homos. | ||
| So they could be joking around about fucking each other, right? | ||
| But then I had a commander tell me a story where he had an Iraqi soldier pound on his door at 2 in the morning... | ||
| And the guy had bite marks on his back, and he was bleeding from these bite marks. | ||
| And finally, the commander deduced that he thinks some guy was trying to fuck him, and he wasn't allowing, and the guy bit his back. | ||
| So, you know, the homosexuality, from my understanding, is that it's situational homosexuality, where, like, because they can't date women, and you have to just get married, that, you know, they choose men because of the situation they're in. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| And it's not gay. | ||
| It's not considered gay. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's just sex. | ||
| Come on, that's not gay. | ||
| It's totally not gay. | ||
| So they don't consider themselves gay, they just consider themselves really into fucking. | ||
| Yeah, you're just... | ||
| Anything and anything. | ||
| Just whatever, yeah, whatever happens. | ||
| Everything that comes along, they stick their dick in, including dudes who don't want it. | ||
| Well, yeah, in places like Saudi, I've been there too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's prevalent. | ||
| Let's take a shit off the edge and then fish. | ||
| And then lay on the mattress and fuck each other. | ||
| What a weird world. | ||
| And it is, and it's so foreign. | ||
| And as a Westerner, I try to be open-minded and wrap my head around their culture. | ||
| And there are certain ways they treat women that I'm just like... | ||
| Yo, I'm not cool. | ||
| What's really strange is that as far as we know, and there's a lot of debate about when the beginning of civilization was, but as far as we can tell, it was there. | ||
| As far as we can tell, it was in Iraq. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Sumer, Mesopotamia, yeah, that's where the first written language, first mathematics were attributed to these guys. | ||
| Yes, I know that. | ||
| Any knowledge whatsoever of astronomy or astrology. | ||
| They had the constellations mapped out. | ||
| They had different astrological signs. | ||
| They had 13, I believe, instead of 12. | ||
| Is that correct? | ||
| I think there's something like that. | ||
| Anyway, I don't remember how many there are, but the point was that these people had this really amazingly advanced civilization 10,000 years ago. | ||
| And today, it's more advanced than it was then, but they still have a really suppressive, ancient-style culture. | ||
| And it's really kind of weird to see this combination of modern technology, extreme wealth in places like Dubai and the United Arab Emirates, and extreme wealth. | ||
| But also this like weird, you know, with the modern stuff and this weird ancient stuff. | ||
| You know, like the whole thing about, you know, just the laws of Islam, the women wearing perkas and all of that crazy. | ||
| I mean, when did that start? | ||
| Well, it's a theocracy. | ||
| You have to understand that even in the Gulf countries that are more progressive, like, you know, the United Arab Emirates, where Dubai is, like, there's places you can drink a beer for expats, not the Muslims, because they don't drink. | ||
| But, I mean, you'll be in a McDonald's, and you'll hear a call to prayer, and the expectation is that you gotta... | ||
| Put down your McRibs. | ||
|
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|
Really? | |
| Stop, drop, and roll. | ||
| Yeah, like, you gotta get down. | ||
| Who calls to prayer? | ||
| No, the mosques, you hear it five times a day. | ||
| The first time I heard it, I didn't even know what that sound was. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| It's like, oh, and you're like, what the fuck is happening? | ||
| So you could think it's like the end of civilization. | ||
| Yeah, and it sounds like you just want to cover your ears and just cry, and that's their call to prayer, so you just don't know what the fuck's happening. | ||
| It's like Red State. | ||
| A lot of people think that there's something to having some sort of an extreme discipline along those lines. | ||
| That it does keep people in line and facilitates family and it facilitates companionship. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| It doesn't always, obviously, if they're fucking little kids in the ass. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Biting people in the back. | ||
| It's not everybody across the board, but the idea that some intense form of study like Islam or like Buddhism or like Christianity or like anything where you really get involved in the practice of some intense discipline and some intense study. | ||
| Especially if you have strict enforcement That's really the key. | ||
| That's the key right there, man. | ||
| When you have, like, you know, in Iran, where they have the religious police, in addition to... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Or if you go to Saudi Arabia, they have that. | ||
| They have, like, religious police. | ||
| Yeah, we had somebody who was... | ||
| Old Soviet Union. | ||
| Who wasn't going to get... | ||
| Oh, they haven't. | ||
| ...arrested. | ||
| Oh, I almost... | ||
| In Ramadan, I was there during their holy month of Ramadan. | ||
| I was in the back of a van drinking a bottle of water, and the Marine I was with was like, what the... | ||
| We're on the freeway. | ||
| If someone sees you on the freeway drinking water when the sun is still up during Ramadan, they can report you to the religious police, and as a Westerner, they'll throw you in jail. | ||
| And that's in the hip city of Dubai. | ||
| And you get sent to jail for like two months, and it's like a $3,000 penalty. | ||
| And they don't feed you. | ||
| They don't feed you. | ||
| So your relatives have to come and feed you if you have the misfortune of getting put into jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| In the Middle East. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I don't know why. | |
| They don't feed you? | ||
| And I don't know why they're plugging Dubai as this like wild west, this like Vegas of the Middle East. | ||
| It's still Muslim, you guys. | ||
| Like it's not. | ||
| It enraged me to see Sex and the City 2 taking place in like Abu Dhabi. | ||
| Like are you kidding me? | ||
| Like this is not a place for you guys to go party. | ||
| For you to be an old slut. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Don't old slut it out. | ||
| There's a lot of women that got really confused thinking that old sluttiness was acceptable and not sad. | ||
| And not sad. | ||
| You know, that woman's not sad. | ||
| She's a fucking panther. | ||
| She's out there having a good time. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| You go, girl. | ||
| And all these women with broken vaginas lined up to see this fucking crap. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You get them all confused. | ||
|
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|
Sloppy tits. | |
| It's just like Clint Eastwood had people thinking they can keep an orangutan as a pet. | ||
| You can't fucking do that, man. | ||
| That thing will rip your arms off and stuff them up your nose. | ||
| Is that the best? | ||
| Did you hear about that guy with the hippo? | ||
| No! | ||
| You didn't hear about this guy? | ||
| I saw something about it. | ||
| It's a guy who's famous on the internet for having a pet hippo that he rides. | ||
| He actually rides his hippo. | ||
| He found it when it was a cub, raised it its whole life. | ||
| Well, it finally fucking killed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright! | |
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| This poor fucking silly cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| It's killed by the animal, shocker, that kills more people in Africa than any animal. | ||
| The hippo does? | ||
| More than a tiger or something? | ||
| Oh yeah, dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, tigers are actually in Asia. | ||
| Angry animals. | ||
| But they bite people in fucking half, man. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| They're actually like a type, well, I think they're somehow another like cousins to a pig. | ||
| They used to think they were really closely related, but now they think there's some dispute in that. | ||
| They're like dinosaurs, right? | ||
| They're old as fuck. | ||
| What they are is this giant fucking animal that is super aggressive and really mean and just bit the fuck out of this guy and they found his corpse mauled in the water. | ||
| But he thought it was cute that he used to ride this thing. | ||
| Weird that you can't grow up with an animal from an early age and it would not fall in love with you, that it would still do this. | ||
| It's kind of weird still in some ways, I think. | ||
| People get aggressive with people and they hit people. | ||
| Brothers and sisters hit each other and they don't have enough strength to hurt each other. | ||
| But if your brother was a fucking gorilla, an 800-pound gorilla, and you were a two-month-old baby and your brother got mad at you and just fucking clubbed you in the head, he would kill you. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| The problem is, you know, when babies get mad at each other, well, they're both babies, and they really don't have much impact to their slaps. | ||
| This is a completely different thing, this hippo. | ||
| This hippo got mad like this. | ||
| For a moment. | ||
| This guy's probably an annoying douchebag. | ||
| Why is he riding his hippo in the first place, right? | ||
| Trying to ever fed him. | ||
| This guy's fucking crazy. | ||
| He's a crazy person. | ||
| This is not what you're supposed to do. | ||
| Everybody knows that you're not supposed to fucking even make contact with these things. | ||
| Was this guy bald, by the way? | ||
| No, he's a big guy, too. | ||
| What city was it in? | ||
| I was going to say, maybe I was a marble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's a good question. | |
| I think it was in South Africa. | ||
| Hungry, hungry hippo. | ||
| Yeah, why do people need exotic pets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why must you have... | ||
| You guys saw the guy in Ohio, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The crazy guy who had all those animals who killed himself. | ||
| Let all the animals free and then killed himself. | ||
| At least that guy had them in cages. | ||
| And that guy they knew was a fucking... | ||
| He was a loose cannon. | ||
| They said that he had threatened to do that before. | ||
| They had an issue with the cops. | ||
|
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|
He's like, oh, let these fucking animals go. | |
| Oh, boy. | ||
| He's a crazy asshole. | ||
| What did he have? | ||
| What was in his... | ||
| What I was going to say, though, is that this hippopotamus might not even want to kill him. | ||
| He might have gotten mad. | ||
| He wanted to bite him like he would bite another hippopotamus. | ||
| Like, get off me, bitch! | ||
| Stop riding me! | ||
| I want to fucking rest! | ||
| But when you do that to a little flimsy-ass person, they break and they die. | ||
| There's a video that Brian turned me on to of lions trying to kill a hippo, and it's the craziest thing ever. | ||
| They can't kill it. | ||
| They're jumping on this thing, biting it. | ||
| It's kind of fucked up, and the hippo's just, like, getting mad. | ||
| Like, get off me, bitch. | ||
| But they keep biting him. | ||
| They can't kill it. | ||
| He's, like, armored. | ||
| And what they're doing is biting through his spine slowly. | ||
| That's how they're killing him. | ||
| They're choosing to pick a spot on his spine, and they're pulling chunks of it out. | ||
| And he's, like, barely noticing that they're there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not an animal you want to fuck with. | |
| But as human beings, we're actually quite vulnerable in the wild. | ||
| Our only protection is our brains, right? | ||
| We don't really have much going. | ||
| We don't have an exoskeleton. | ||
| I always say, think about a fucking house cat. | ||
| Think of a house cat. | ||
| If a house cat wants to kill you, could you imagine? | ||
| Could you imagine what that's like? | ||
| Have you ever been around a feral cat? | ||
| A wild cat? | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| They're scary as fuck, dude. | ||
| They're scary. | ||
| They're really terrifying. | ||
| I've been around feral cats that I thought were going to attack me, and it is a dangerous moment. | ||
| Like, where you're like, this thing can do some fucking damage. | ||
| It can jump all the way up to your face, easily. | ||
| A cat can easily jump right up your face and bite your fucking face. | ||
| Imagine a wild cat, claws digging into your head, won't let go, biting your face and kicking with its back leg. | ||
| That's absolutely frightening. | ||
| And they're tiny. | ||
| They're tiny. | ||
| You saw my little cat, my little spaz? | ||
| What does she weigh? | ||
| Does she weigh like three pounds or something? | ||
| I have a... | ||
| But if she wanted to fuck me up, that would be terrifying. | ||
| She'd kill you. | ||
| In Boston. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scary! | |
| I lived in Boston for a summer one time, and I was staying with my friend on a first-floor apartment, and I slept on the couch, and the couch was right next to the first-floor windows. | ||
| They would open the window, and it had a screen, and there was a neighborhood, feral, crazy, maniac, fucking, like, emotionally unadjusted cat that would, when I'm chilling, just laying there, it would jump up onto the screen and go like... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| And I would jump up. | ||
| I would levitate. | ||
| Like jump up off the thing. | ||
| And it would just sit there and scream with its claws in and a crazy look in its eye. | ||
| I would have fucking near heart effects. | ||
| You know about that toxoplasma, that parasite that a lot of feral cats have? | ||
| It's in our nails, yeah? | ||
| Well, it's in there. | ||
| No, it's a rat parasite. | ||
| It starts out in rats, and it hijacks a rat's sexual reward system and gets these rats attracted to the smell of cat piss. | ||
| So the rats go around the cats, the cats eat the rats, the cats get it, and then the cats give it to people. | ||
| Usually from feces, from stepping in their shit or dropping your food in their shit and you pick it up. | ||
| Yeah, and it affects the human brain. | ||
| It affects the way people behave. | ||
| It makes men more impulsive. | ||
| It's responsible for a disproportionate number of motorcycle accidents. | ||
| They check people that are crashing motorcycles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And they find out that a lot of them are infected with this toxoplasma shit. | ||
| And in Europe, it's really prevalent. | ||
| Anywhere there's a lot of wild cats, it's really prevalent. | ||
| Like Europe and France, 80% of the people are infected with toxoplasma. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Yes, 80. In America, it's over 60 million. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| But that cat might have had that. | ||
| It might have been just nuts. | ||
| I can't even describe how terrifying it was. | ||
| I don't think they've even mapped out the behavior, the behavioral change that it has in cats. | ||
| Because I've only heard about the behavioral change in humans and rats, which is really interesting. | ||
| I've never heard anything. | ||
| There's a guy named Robert Sapolsky that's the leading scientist on all this shit, and he's got some amazing videos on it. | ||
| And you know, he goes into depth about how they really are just sort of wrapping their head around this, the extent of the infiltration of this parasite into human beings. | ||
| I mean, it's like, it might be like half the population of the Earth. | ||
| We're infecting. | ||
| It's really crazy, yeah. | ||
| Because in Brazil, it's 60%. | ||
| In France, it's 80%. | ||
| It's really high in a lot of different places in South America. | ||
| And like I said, over 60 million, that's the estimate. | ||
| People don't even know. | ||
| We always talk about it. | ||
| What if I had it? | ||
| I was around a cat when I was young. | ||
| I had a feral cat that I raised. | ||
| And Brian's been around cats his whole life. | ||
| Joey Diaz has like 11 cats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, Joey has 11 cats, and a lot of them were wild. | ||
| He used to take wild cats in and feed wild cats outside. | ||
| Wait, what could that do to you, though? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| Fucks with your brain, man. | ||
| Yeah, you know, your immune system is supposed to keep most of it in check, you know, if you have a healthy immune system, but they don't know, really. | ||
| I mean, it affects people in different ways. | ||
| Gives you huge dicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Everybody's just racing and hanging around with cats. | ||
| Cats just gave you a huge ruthless dick. | ||
| Imagine if it wasn't Viagra that you needed. | ||
| It was just you've got to be around a lot of cat shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys would be eating cat shit by litter box. | ||
| This is what happens, bro. | ||
| Here's the good news and here's the bad news. | ||
| The good news is it makes your dick bigger and stronger. | ||
| Okay, what's the bad news? | ||
| The bad news is you become a crazy person. | ||
| Your brain is eating itself. | ||
| Your brain is infected with a cat parasite. | ||
| I heard a lot of people say this cat parasite is not that bad. | ||
| That's what people say. | ||
| If the positive was your dick got bigger and was hard at will. | ||
| If your dick was like a rhino horn that you could always call upon. | ||
| That hippo story reminded me of that asshole with the bears. | ||
| Oh, Grizzly Man. | ||
| Oh, I love that. | ||
| Isn't that the best comedy ever? | ||
| Tommy and I saw that in the theater and we laughed so hard. | ||
| That kind of cemented our relationship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It did. | |
| Did it really? | ||
| Well, there was a moment. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| We watched that documentary in the theater. | ||
| There was 40 or 50 people there. | ||
| And we were the assholes that were like, look how fucking dumb this guy. | ||
| Like the whole time. | ||
| And then there was a scene, well, I'll never forget, where they interviewed a pilot that would fly Timothy out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the place is quiet, and we're sitting there watching, and they go, what did you think when you would drop him off and he told you he was going to be with bears for months? | ||
| And the guy goes, well, honestly, I thought he was retarded. | ||
| And we laughed so loud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And everybody in the theater was just like... | |
| Where'd you guys see it? | ||
| Like the Lemley. | ||
| I saw that in Hollywood and the whole theater was laughing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I saw it in a great theater. | ||
| Everybody thought it was funny. | ||
| I think I saw it with Eddie. | ||
| We were blazed, of course. | ||
| And every moment of the movie was hilarious. | ||
| It was like a goddamn comedy. | ||
| When he was playing with the shit... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh look! | |
| This came out of her butt! | ||
| This came out of her butt! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We watched it with some stuck up people for sure. | |
| We were laughing so hard and that place felt like it was like... | ||
| Is Pasadena stuffy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think the Lemley crowd generally is there. | |
| I need to move to Pasadena. | ||
| Be close to the ice house. | ||
| Get myself a mansion out there. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Shit, yeah. | ||
| Adina's where it's at. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's what the San Fernando Valley intended to be. | ||
| I grew up in the valley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they wanted it to be like Pasadena. | ||
| Yeah, Pasadena's better. | ||
| Yeah, some hearts are good in the valley, but some are, you know... | ||
| Well, whenever we do the Ice House there, we're like, people are fucking really genuinely nice out here. | ||
| It doesn't feel like L.A., It feels like a different town. | ||
| The homeless people are all old ladies, too. | ||
| There's no homeless guys. | ||
| They're all old ladies, and they make these forts, and they're so nicely folded, like blankets and cans are folded. | ||
| That's sad shit, dude. | ||
| It really makes me feel really bad when I see some woman, and I see her out there on her own. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Kills me, too. | ||
| I feel like some old guy. | ||
| Like, take care of yourself, stupid. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Take care of yourself, stupid. | ||
| I see an old woman and I feel terrible. | ||
| Don't you hate seeing old, like, I'm talking older people doing, like, having, like, jobs? | ||
| Looking at your garbage? | ||
| No, no, like, when you see, like, clearly somebody in their 70s, like... | ||
| Just having any job, really. | ||
| Sometimes they like that, though. | ||
| My mom retired and they went back to work at a fucking Amish restaurant gift shop just because she was bored out of her mind. | ||
| Well, that's different. | ||
| She's getting like $6 an hour. | ||
| You can see it on someone's face. | ||
| You can see when they're like, I gotta do this to get by. | ||
| You're like, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that sucks. | ||
| Well, you know, it sucks because you also imagine yourself doing that. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| When you're tired and old and you really should be resting and enjoying your last days on this planet before you're fucking transitioning to the afterlife. | ||
| But now you got a fucking hat on. | ||
| You're working at Chuck E. Cheese. | ||
| You know, hey kids, what do you want? | ||
| You want a special? | ||
| You want pizza? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to try the daily double dose of cheese and hoppers? | |
| But I felt bad for my parents' generation because they really got fucked in this recession. | ||
| A lot of people that are planning on retiring can't do that now. | ||
| They worked their whole goddamn life and now what? | ||
| Yeah, there's a guy who lives down the street from me that was trying to build a house. | ||
| He had this whole... | ||
| He had a plot picked out, a really nice spot with a beautiful view and everything, and he was putting all his money towards this, and the fucking stock market crashed. | ||
| All the bullshit went down. | ||
| The economy shit the bed. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| He lost his savings. | ||
| He lost everything. | ||
| He lost the whole pile. | ||
| He just has this lot, this beautiful lot that represents his dreams. | ||
| That will never take place. | ||
| And he's an older guy, man. | ||
| He's not going to be around that much longer. | ||
| That really sucks. | ||
| It just kills me, dude. | ||
| There are people that retired at exactly the right moment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| There are people who got their money out when it was at its peak. | ||
| And then there were people who were like... | ||
| Literally, it's like a cliche buddy cop movie. | ||
| They're like, I'm retiring next year. | ||
| And you're like, that guy... | ||
| Just from sticking around like till May or whatever it was, like lost his net worth and completely changed his fucking life. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| A lot of people planned on everything staying the same. | ||
| They're like, we just got it. | ||
| We're just about to escape here. | ||
| And boom, the floor falls out. | ||
| And not only are you out of a job, Not only do you no longer have a pension, but, oh, guess what? | ||
| You can't afford your house anymore. | ||
| Oh, whoa, you're almost homeless. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| Now you're sleeping at your friend's house. | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| You have your kids and your wife and you're staying at someone else's house. | ||
| And you're in their basement all huddled up together. | ||
| And you're like, holy fuck, I can't find a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Boom. | ||
| That's what's happening to a lot of people, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that it just stopped. | ||
| Like, the machine stopped. | ||
| Everybody's like, what's going on? | ||
| Where are the jobs? | ||
| There are no jobs. | ||
| There's no jobs? | ||
| Have you been to Ohio? | ||
| I mean, I do. | ||
| There's a few clubs in Ohio, like Toledo and Cleveland. | ||
| They keep hearing about Cleveland. | ||
| Yeah, and it's so sad, because you just see it. | ||
| There's nothing for people to do. | ||
| Detroit, you really see it. | ||
| I know everyone talks about it, but I did Detroit twice this year, and like... | ||
| You know, the club isn't actually improper to it, but you fly in there. | ||
| Ann Arbor, that club? | ||
| No, I did the Comedy Castle, which is a suburb of it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's Livonia or something. | ||
| But you drive through it, and the fucked up part is actually, I think, seeing the industry places that have closed. | ||
| That used to be this factory, and then... | ||
| All the windows are broken out. | ||
| Holy shit, that's a place that 2,000 people or whatever used to work at. | ||
| It's just gone. | ||
| You've ever seen those videos where they drive down whole huge, just mile after mile of abandoned houses? | ||
| It's like craziness. | ||
| It really does look like some Mad Max shit. | ||
| It looks like, what comes next? | ||
| What is this like? | ||
| This is a large scale. | ||
| It's goddamn Detroit. | ||
| Detroit, Rock City. | ||
| It's where Mustangs come from. | ||
| It's where Corvettes come from. | ||
| Sort of the Bowling Green Kentucky now. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, that's where, you know, cars, American cars were built. | ||
| Dude, my dad worked at the Chrysler factory. | ||
| When we moved to Canada, it was his first job. | ||
| The Chrysler factory. | ||
| I don't know if it's there anymore. | ||
| It's probably in Mongolia. | ||
| Can I tell you what? | ||
| I just heard this guy on NPR. He wrote a book about how this generation of kids, you know your mom always told you, be a doctor, be a lawyer, be an accountant, because those jobs, you always have a job. | ||
| Well, not now, because you can outsource that. | ||
| You want your taxes done cheap? | ||
| You can send them to a guy in India that knows tax law. | ||
| Same with everything else. | ||
| So this generation, they're going to have to get creative in terms of how they think, create their own jobs, create their own way of making money. | ||
| Those Those days are slowly dwindling down, those trade jobs. | ||
| Yeah, well also when you have the internet and you're sending files, it doesn't matter if you send a file to the accountant up the street or if you send a file to a guy on the other side of the world. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| If he's willing to do it cheaper, yeah. | ||
| It's a fucking very strange time. | ||
| Just be a mechanic. | ||
| A mechanic's good. | ||
| The real problem is right now we are slowly being forced to live the reality that the rest of the world has been operating under for the past few decades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
decades. | |
| That's really what's going on. | ||
| You know, and everybody was like, you know, America is not a third world country, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when everything becomes the same, guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of it's going to be like a third world country. | ||
| Because as we more interconnect with the rest of the world, you know, and as our facade of an economy slowly evaporates into nothingness, we really are forced into a situation where It looks eerily similar to what Russia faced. | ||
| It looks eerily similar. | ||
| We're getting bettered at many things in different fields. | ||
| I saw a thing about highways and freeways and how for a long time we set the standard. | ||
| We were the first massive country to build. | ||
| You think about it. | ||
| We take it for granted that you can get in a car and be like, I want to drive to Montana. | ||
| Any other city you want to go to, Louisiana, you just take this way. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's like that, and we've had the best, and China is killing us in highways and freeway, in quality, in the number of them, and where you can go in them, killing us. | ||
| Poor Dane says they kill us in cell phone coverage. | ||
| He's like, you could be over there. | ||
| He said you could be over there in the middle of nowhere in the woods, and you've got five bars. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Well, I haven't been to China, but I've been to South Korea. | ||
| And, dude, their society is way more advanced, I feel like. | ||
| Their internet is way more advanced. | ||
| Their phones are more advanced. | ||
| Oh, cleaner? | ||
| They just have, I don't know, they're way ahead of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're crushing it. | |
| They buy a lot of shit with their phones. | ||
| That's just starting to come to phones now. | ||
| There's a thing called Google Wallet. | ||
| And Google Wallet is an app that allows you to go up to, when you go to the thing where you scan your credit card, you can look at it and if it has this logo on it, this Google Wallet logo, then what you do is you take the application and pull it up on your Google phones. | ||
| Press it. | ||
| Put it right up to that, and it automatically pays for your bill. | ||
| So you don't even have to swipe a credit card. | ||
| You don't have to sign shit. | ||
| You just put in your code, press your phone right up to it, bang. | ||
| So you don't have to have a wallet with credit cards anymore, eventually. | ||
| Eventually, everything you'll be able to buy with your phone. | ||
| I don't know if Google Wallet exists. | ||
| Do you know, Brian, where the Google Wallet exists for the iPhone? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No? | ||
| I think you'd do it over a website, though. | ||
| Oh, over a website? | ||
| I don't know, no. | ||
| That's whack. | ||
| You want to do it. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's one knock that Google phones have over the iPhone, if they have that, because that's pretty dope once it comes into focus. | ||
| Once it becomes a really popular thing, that might make people sway from the iPhone to the Droid phones. | ||
| Getting the new studio, one thing I thought was really interesting was that home speeds for internet are capped at around... | ||
| What's the highest lately? | ||
| Like 60? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it even that? | ||
| 30 megabytes? | ||
| I only get like 25. 25. But when I have to get a business account because it's a business space that I rent... | ||
| The internet speeds are like up to like 100 gigabytes or even more maybe. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like the upload speeds are ridiculous too. | ||
| I think there were like 5 megabyte uploads instead of what I think I'm paying for 2 megabyte for the fastest for universe. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it's like that's not even fair. | ||
| It's like I almost like if I am at home and I want to play games or be able to pay for something like this I wish I would have to make my house a business almost or something. | ||
| I think you could probably do that. | ||
| I don't know if you can make your house a business. | ||
| You can't can you? | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| I mean, just list it as a business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you do that? | |
| You would have to not live there, though. | ||
| I mean, I don't think it works that way. | ||
| I don't know if it's the same. | ||
| If you have a home office, I think that's still a home. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| I mean, your building might have been wired differently, too, though. | ||
| You have to take that into account. | ||
| That's a building. | ||
| That's a commercial building. | ||
| I mean, when they wired it, they might have wired it. | ||
| I don't know what the story is about what is keeping you from getting the highest internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's weird though. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Because I live very close to it. | ||
| I checked it. | ||
| I wonder if it's something like they can't offer it to that many people. | ||
| The bandwidth isn't there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| That could be. | ||
| Yeah, because people would be just downloading a million movies all day. | ||
| Has anybody ever gone to jail for stealing movies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I think they have. | ||
| What's that one movie, the boring ass movie, where they're picking up bombs? | ||
| Whatever that movie was that won all those awards where it's like... | ||
| Oh, Hurt Locker. | ||
| Hurt Locker. | ||
| Those guys, I guess, went after tons of people. | ||
| Like 25,000 people or something ridiculous like that. | ||
| And they just dropped a lot of them the other day. | ||
| So they're still suing people that downloaded their movie illegally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And it's weird that the production company actually is the one going after them. | ||
| So the production company, they somehow or another find out who has put these things online for download, and then they attack them? | ||
| Yeah, they pretty much tell certain cable. | ||
| How do they tell? | ||
| Do they tell by who uploaded it? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, I guess, you know, what they do is they can check the IPs, get it from the torrents and stuff like that, and then they would have to sue, like, you know, Charter or whoever. | ||
| Well, they made an example out of some kid a couple of years ago. | ||
| It wasn't like a kid and his mom, and they were like, I mean, even though everybody had downloaded songs, they went after some kid, and they were like, you owe like $380,000 because of this amount per song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But then they, you know, I think they settled with the amount of court, but it was... | ||
| They were doing that clearly just to get publicity for the case and make it seem like, you know, don't you dare dream of doing this. | ||
| It is kind of weird, man. | ||
| It's such a weird gray area whether or not something that you bought and you paid for, whether you could distribute it. | ||
| For music, it's really interesting how these paid companies like Spotify and Rhapsody and stuff like that really, in my opinion, have stepped in. | ||
| I don't really download music much anymore because now I just pay $10 a month for Spotify and I fucking listen to it as much as I want to. | ||
| It's like a jukebox of every single song. | ||
| Don't you have to be online to get that? | ||
| Not all the time. | ||
| I think you can save songs to your device. | ||
| I haven't really fucked around with it too much on that part, but I think you could also save songs. | ||
| If you pay $10 a day, it will download it inside the app, and then it needs to at least connect to make sure that you're a member still, and then it makes all the songs work. | ||
| That's annoying. | ||
| That's too complicated. | ||
| I'd rather get things on iTunes. | ||
| I get my shit on iTunes. | ||
| How do you feel about your content, though? | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I think what I do is very different. | ||
| Because first of all, as a comedian, when you're releasing your information, or when you're releasing your material, rather, if you're putting out a CD or a DVD or something, you're essentially putting out an advertisement, and you're essentially putting out... | ||
| An example of your work that you're proud of, that you want people to see and enjoy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And yeah, you want to be compensated for it. | ||
| Yeah, you want to make money for it. | ||
| But the way I roll is that if I've ever downloaded anything illegally, I have always bought it if I liked it. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've bought some things that I didn't like just because I felt guilty. | ||
| Because I couldn't get it legally when I wanted to, so I had to get it some other way. | ||
| There's no way most people do that, though. | ||
| Yeah, I have a problem. | ||
| I can't litter. | ||
| If I drop something on the ground, I have to get it. | ||
| I'll run after it if the fucking wind is blowing. | ||
| God damn it, I'll have to fucking chase after this little piece of paper. | ||
| It could be a gum wrapper. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like leaving behind a problem. | ||
| It bugs me. | ||
| So when I look at the idea of littering psychically, the idea of littering with your consciousness, that you do shitty little things and you take them for granted, and then you have these little things curled up in a fucking corner, those little crumpled up papers of ideas and consciousness that's littered your fucking head. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| So if a band is good, if somebody sends me to a YouTube link, And I go, wow, that's a fucking badass song. | ||
| And then there's a download link somewhere on some site where you're not supposed to go to, and I download it, and I like it. | ||
| I always buy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| I always buy it. | ||
| I think you have to. | ||
| I think you're supposed to. | ||
| I don't really download anything. | ||
| I mean, everything that I have, I've bought. | ||
| Yeah, I don't either. | ||
| I buy on iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, even then. | ||
| I mean, like, say if I found something illegal, I'll search to find it legally. | ||
| I'll buy it on Amazon, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys touching each other? | ||
| He touched his leg to my leg. | ||
| It was accidental. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| What's up with that? | ||
| I bumped it. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Joe, have you heard about Gene Simmons' kid? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What? | ||
| There was news I read this morning. | ||
| Want another beer? | ||
| Can I have your beer? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| He's a comic book artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Want a cold one? | |
| You want a cold? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Thank you, Morgan. | ||
| Do you have another one, Joe? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Ah, sucker. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Gene Simmons' kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And he does comic books. | ||
| He does manga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I think it's called Japanese-style anime. | ||
| His son? | ||
| Yeah, his son. | ||
| Real nice guy. | ||
| I actually met him once. | ||
| Yeah, we met him at the improv. | ||
| But they outed him for just completely tracing a Japanese comic book artist. | ||
| And they have these lineups where they show face on top of face where they overlay it and it's exactly him. | ||
| He's a young kid though. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Is he 19 or 20, isn't he? | ||
| He's young. | ||
| I don't know if he's 19 or 20. I don't know the whole story. | ||
| I don't know if the comic's an old comic. | ||
| I used to draw comics just for fun. | ||
| I know that there has been many times where I liked how Spider-Man was posing or something like that. | ||
| So I would trace his pose. | ||
| That's how you learn how to draw. | ||
| Is he an art student? | ||
| Or is he trying to sell these things? | ||
| Yeah, I think he sells them. | ||
| I think he's pretty successful. | ||
| It's kind of hard to get away from that one. | ||
| I trace this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the Japanese artist on his Twitter today was confused at first, but then he said something like, I'm more surprised that Gene Simmons' kid does comics or something like that. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| So he knows about it. | ||
| He didn't seem that angry. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How did he not seem angry at that? | ||
| I don't know, you know. | ||
| Very polite Japanese people. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I always feel that stealing though is that like especially with jokes it's like well I can always write another one. | ||
| It sucks to have your shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could see it happening more in comic books just for people that like. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| I guess he took a lot though. | ||
| The comic was called Bleach. | ||
| He was in a band for a little while. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember I watched the show. | ||
| And on the reality show, his band was playing somewhere and then his father flew a flyer out of a plane showing his son's band playing somewhere and making a big deal out of it. | ||
| Wow, this is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So it's the kid that's on that show? | ||
| Yeah, side-by-side analysis is pretty fucking damning. | ||
| Yeah, he's old enough to know. | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| It's not just tracing it. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| Straight up taking almost... | ||
| Some of it is not tracing. | ||
| Some of it... | ||
| This one's not tracing, but it's very obvious where the idea came from. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is bad, man. | ||
| This is sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I miss the Osbournes. | ||
| It's all your own stuff, everybody. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| I like that family a lot. | ||
| Some of them are a bit of a stretch. | ||
| There's a few of them here that are a bit of a stretch. | ||
| Because that is a style of comics. | ||
| What did you look up? | ||
| How do you look it up? | ||
| Just Google Gene Simmons Kid comic book. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Trace. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, it definitely looks like there's no doubt about the idea that he was influenced. | ||
| Unquestionably he was influenced, but there's a bunch of these pictures that are a real stretch. | ||
| Joe, did you see what that guy on your message board said? | ||
| That he, for a living, buys Google Ads all the time. | ||
| And we always joke about how I always put butthole at the end of Google searches. | ||
| So he was making it targeting California for the words butthole on the end of any kind of sentence. | ||
| And it just says something like, hey, red man, stop saying butthole or searching for butthole as a Google ad on the site. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious. | |
| Google took it down because he used the word butthole. | ||
| You can't say butthole for Google. | ||
| For ads, I guess. | ||
| I bet you could sell missiles. | ||
| Yeah, this is crazy, man. | ||
| This is weird to watch. | ||
| He really did trace his stuff. | ||
| Aww. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I see? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How sad. | |
| He can. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they even show an overlay. | ||
| They show, like, here's the original image. | ||
| Here's his. | ||
| Look, he traced it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aww. | |
| That really sucks. | ||
| It's fucking sad. | ||
| That's something that's really hard to recover from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As an artist, yeah. | |
| It appears like he's just made a career doing this. | ||
| He's decided to try to... | ||
| To make a career doing it this way. | ||
| All right, well, looks like you're going to have to borrow some more money from Dad for a while. | ||
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It seems pretty shitty, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sucks. | |
| It sucks the year, right? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Maybe he was a poor fucking guy. | ||
| Maybe he was just horsing around, you know? | ||
| He didn't intend it. | ||
| Horseplay? | ||
| Yeah, he was just doing horseplay. | ||
| Well, why would people think you're plagiarizing? | ||
| You'd have to ask them. | ||
| Don't ask me that. | ||
| You'd have to ask them. | ||
| I was just horsing around. | ||
| Have you heard the new fad that's a real problem in high schools? | ||
| Is that teens are using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk? | ||
| Oh, I've heard that with animas. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| There's news stories about it. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Look up the news story. | ||
| I mean, not animas. | ||
| Girls are doing this in high school. | ||
| They're soaking tampons with vodka and sticking them in their pussy. | ||
| And they're inserting beer bongs in their assholes. | ||
| And they're getting drunk that way. | ||
| You can totally die. | ||
| There's no liver to filter out... | ||
| People are nuts. | ||
| You gotta go for it. | ||
| It's a bright idea. | ||
| Apparently, this is what this vodka tampon thing does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should we try it? | |
| It tracks you. | ||
| Look up teen... | ||
| Get the video. | ||
| Teen using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're in school... | |
| Teens using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk. | ||
| When you're listening, go for it, man. | ||
| Try the whole bottle. | ||
| Yeah, well, you can die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the... | |
| The problem, yeah. | ||
| The alcohol is going right in your bloodstream. | ||
| It's like shooting IV blood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you can take things rectally. | ||
| Like, there's this girl. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| She goes by the name of Neurosoup on YouTube. | ||
| And she has, like, a website called Neurosoup, I think. | ||
| And she's, like, kind of a famous person in the psychedelic community. | ||
| Because at one point in time, she was living with this guy that was this gigantic LSD dealer. | ||
| Like, the biggest LSD dealer in the world. | ||
| And she was a stripper. | ||
| There's a really interesting thing on Vice.com, a video where they interview her and they talk about the crazy times that she's been through. | ||
| One of her videos online is her taking DMT anally. | ||
| She takes DMT and sticks it in her asshole and trips for like an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah, wow indeed. | ||
| That video's out there? | ||
| Yeah, she put the video out there. | ||
| What's wrong with good old-fashioned and the old-fashioned? | ||
| I guess she wanted to go for a longer ride. | ||
| The old-fashioned way only lasts for about 15 minutes at the most. | ||
| What about LSD? You could put that up your ass, too. | ||
| I bet you could use it in my eyes. | ||
| Well, Jimi Hendrix, the legend is that Jimi Hendrix used to put it on his bandana, and as he was sweating, it would enter into his pores. | ||
| That sounds so fake. | ||
| I've heard of it being in socks and people sweating into their cysts like accidentally. | ||
| I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm sure it could happen. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure that makes sense. | ||
| Raining out a dead show is always interesting. | ||
| Well, didn't that happen with... | ||
| Who was the creator of LSD? Oh, that doctor guy. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| No, the one that was like the guru, right? | ||
| Leary? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I forget the fucking guy's name, goddammit. | ||
| Dennis Leary? | ||
| Dennis Leary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it wasn't his fucking name. | |
| And that was the catalyst for Albert Hoffman. | ||
| Albert Hoffman. | ||
| And then Albert Hoffman, when he invented it, I believe it happened by accident. | ||
| And if I'm not incorrect, I think he got it on his hands or something. | ||
| I forget how he was initially exposed to it. | ||
| I forget the story. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure the first time, it's like he got it on something and was like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Joe, have you done acid before? | ||
| No, I've never done acid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've only done mushrooms, salvia, DMT. Vodka tampons. | |
| You know, some of the craziest experiences I've ever had is from eating pot. | ||
| Some of the most intense psychedelic experiences I've ever had is eating pot. | ||
| I've told her. | ||
| I've told her to share some stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, just when you think you've heard it all when it comes to teens, and I have one. | |
| So I'm paying attention to this. | ||
| This one might have you saying, wait, what? | ||
| That's what teenagers are turning to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To get that quick buzz is pretty scary. | |
| Elizabeth Irwin is here with a straight story. | ||
| Oh boy, Elizabeth. | ||
| I've got to tell you, Stephen and Catherine, two things I never thought would appear in the same sentence. | ||
| Tampons and vodka. | ||
| Do I have your attention? | ||
| Good. | ||
| Because if you're a parent, you really need to hear this. | ||
| She's so uptight. | ||
| She went home immediately, stuffed the whole bottle of vodka up her asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She poured it into her ass. | |
| Sally, I'm doing it right now. | ||
| It's all up in my asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm drunk. | |
| When we heard how kids are getting drunk these days, we thought, no way. | ||
| So we hit up the experts to find out if it's an urban legend or if it's legit. | ||
| There's been documented cases of people going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning just from utilizing it that way. | ||
| Officer Chris Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a valley high school. | ||
| He's heard firsthand how kids are getting tipsy. | ||
| What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soaking in vodka first before using them. | ||
| You heard right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teens taking tampons, soaking them in vodka. | |
| Goddamn teens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There. | |
| There. | ||
| She can't even say vagina. | ||
| She says there. | ||
| That's how terrified we are of anything sexual in America. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| There. | ||
| Her no-no hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll insert them into their rectums. | |
| You guys will do it too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Search it to where she comes out of. | |
| So I found how acid was invented. | ||
| Yeah, it was an accident. | ||
| While resynthesizing LSD, Hoffman accidentally absorbed a small amount of it through his fingertips and serendipitously discovered the powerful effects. | ||
| he said this is his exact words affected by a remarkable a remarkable restlessness combined with a slight dizziness at home i laid down and sank into a not unpleasant intoxicated like condition characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination in a dreamlike state with eyes closed i found the Yes, it is. | ||
| I perceived an uninterrupted stream of fantastic pictures, extraordinary shapes with intense kaleidoscope play of colors. | ||
| After some two hours in this condition, faded away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So then he decided to take it on his own. | ||
| So this was by accident. | ||
| And then what he did is he took it on his own and tried to ride home on his bike. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| He called it Bicycle Day. | ||
| The guy gave himself 0.25 milligrams, which is 250 micrograms. | ||
| That's a fucking heavy dose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| The actual threshold dose is only 20 micrograms. | ||
| Threshold dose, what does that mean? | ||
| That means you feel it. | ||
| You feel it at 20 micrograms. | ||
| So that's the intoxication threshold. | ||
| There's 20 micrograms. | ||
| He takes 250. Shazam, son! | ||
| I've never found it from anybody I trust. | ||
| I got some from this guy that was friends with Andy Dick, and he was out of his fucking mind, this guy, and he's like, really wanted me to take it. | ||
| Come on, man, take it. | ||
| I'm like, yep, nope, not gonna happen. | ||
| Just get Nick with it. | ||
| Even getting liquid. | ||
| You've got to know who the hell you're getting it from, man. | ||
| You've got to know that people are taking it consistently. | ||
| You really should fucking have it tested. | ||
| Really, what it should be is fucking legal, and there should be LSD-like institutes where you go and, hey, do you want to really know who you are? | ||
| Sit down. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's all chemically simple or chemically similar to each other. | ||
| Like DMT, LSD, mushrooms, they're all really close. | ||
| Yeah, what is DMT exactly? | ||
| Dimethyltryptamine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, here we go. | |
| Sorry, I don't know. | ||
| I'm out of the show. | ||
| The kids these days. | ||
| You have Google on your phone. | ||
| I did acid as a kid. | ||
| He said, here we go, because there's a video of me talking about it. | ||
| It's got like a billion hits. | ||
| And we've talked about it on the podcast a hundred times. | ||
| It's a psychedelic chemical, but it's one your own brain makes. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| But all the really powerful ones, like LSD, you know, LSD and DMT and mushrooms, they're all real similar. | ||
| They're like chemical cousins, you know? | ||
| So it's interesting that those are the super potent ones, and they're really close to what your own brain makes, naturally. | ||
| LSD? I don't know, man, because I've taken that a lot, and my brain does not function. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you ever take it through your asshole? | |
| No, I took it at Lollapalooza when I was 14 years old and I was goth. | ||
| You were goth back then? | ||
| Yeah, I had retainers and a velvet dress. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And Susie and the Banshees came on and I did at the same time and I threw my retainers across the field at Irvine Meadows. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I had to leave and that was the end of that. | ||
| Did you ever read about how the CIA tested LSD on people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's videos. | |
| How about the town in France where they dosed the whole town and put it in their bread and people killed themselves? | ||
| Oh yeah, in the 1950s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they doused the whole town. | ||
| They just experimented on a town in France. | ||
| The Americans? | ||
| Yep, CIA. Freedom of Information Act, it's all available now. | ||
| There's a lot of creepy shit they do that really truly defines what the government is all about. | ||
| You know, a lot of people think the government is just us working in a different job. | ||
| And it's not. | ||
| It's the people that have a history of being ruthless. | ||
| A history of being ruthless, and that's how you get to that position in the first place. | ||
| But the experiments they did on people are just fucking horrendous. | ||
| Now, what was the utility of LSD initially? | ||
| Well, they thought it was going to be a truth serum. | ||
| Truth serum, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was to make soldiers aggressive. | ||
| That's why they wanted to use it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They give them steroids for that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Steroids and meth. | ||
| That is... | ||
| Crystal meth is what the Japanese invented at for getting fucking planes to crash into boats. | ||
| So, you've got to be all methed up to do that. | ||
| Were they all methed up, really, when they did that? | ||
| Yeah, that's where crystal methadrine was invented. | ||
| And now you can just drive trucks on it. | ||
| Have you ever been around people that are on meth? | ||
| In high school, I grew up here, around here actually, in your neighborhood. | ||
| And that was the drug of my generation, was meth, and then rave culture. | ||
| So everyone was dropping tons of E and taking meth. | ||
| Cocaine, not so much, and LSD. That's my generation. | ||
| Did you do meth? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Once I tried it, and I don't like how it... | ||
| Like, just do Coke. | ||
| Coke is so much classier. | ||
| What did Matthew do for you? | ||
| You fucking stay up for days making collages and moving furniture. | ||
| It's utter chaos. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Making collages? | ||
| I need to do that. | ||
| Why do you go... | ||
| Before you make collages? | ||
| Because that's how I felt, you know, because you're just so fired up. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| I'm going to do something! | ||
| But there's nothing... | ||
| At least for me, I couldn't be... | ||
| Just once, once. | ||
| I've never done Adderall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like it. | |
| But from what I understand, Adderall and meth, they're like cousins as well. | ||
| I would say Adderall is more like cocaine. | ||
| Because even when I did Adderall, I felt like I was getting drips and cocaine symptoms. | ||
| Was that like psychological? | ||
| Like psychosomatic? | ||
| Whatever it triggered was the same fucking neighborhood as cocaine. | ||
| Don't the drips come from actually snorting the cocaine? | ||
| How did you take your Adderall? | ||
| It felt like it. | ||
| No, I snorted it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| No, but I've snorted Adderall also. | ||
| You have snorted Adderall? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they crush it up and... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We know a guy who was... | ||
| I tell the story now on stage of the guy who used to drive us. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| To the airport. | ||
| This was our driver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a regular guy because we go to the airport so often we use this, you know, we found like a cheaper car service that's easier than dealing with like driving and parking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And like he was, you know, like a cheap ride basically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Older guy, and all white hair, and was really professional. | ||
| And then after 10 rides, it's one of those things where you know when somebody's like, Mr. Rogan, and you finally go, you can call me Joe. | ||
| It was like that kind of thing where I was like, it's Tom. | ||
| He's like, it's Tom? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| He's like, cool. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| Let me ask you something. | ||
| Everything changed as soon as I said, be professional with me. | ||
| And he goes, can I ask you something? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, do you smoke weed? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah. | ||
| He's like, do you want to smoke some now? | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| It's like five in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, and he's driving? | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, yeah, all right. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You said, yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, driver. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what was in my head. | ||
| I'm so comfortable with you in my life. | ||
| And then he goes, he starts smoking, and then he goes, I can't drive unless I'm fucked up. | ||
| And that's a quote. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is like a scene in a movie. | ||
| This is like a scene in a Seth Rogen movie. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| This is a Judd Apatow movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is, man. | |
| I swear to God. | ||
| And he's old as shit, too. | ||
| He's like 80, isn't he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| He's like 70s. | ||
| And then he goes... | ||
| And then he's like... | ||
| This particular... | ||
| It is early. | ||
| He drives fast. | ||
| He's like one of these... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been driving 50 years in LA. We've got to take this street and that street. | |
| And I was like... | ||
| I was basically like, keep it together, man. | ||
| And he was like, I've been up since three. | ||
| And I start asking him, I'm like, have you done other drugs? | ||
| He's like, ah, buddy, buddy. | ||
| Like, I've done it all. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| He's like, coke, heroin. | ||
| He's like, there's nothing like smoking rocks. | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| He was like 70? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and he is flying through El Barrio, through the old neighborhood. | |
| And so, this is an El Salvadorian neighborhood. | ||
| And every, like, we're going through lights, and he's like, look at that little brown one right there. | ||
| I love that little brown one. | ||
| He was married to a Peruvian, and then he had, like, an El Salvadorian girlfriend. | ||
| He's like, I love these little brown ones. | ||
| He had one on the side? | ||
| Yeah, well, and he had, oh, he has, like, five girlfriends. | ||
| And they're all, like, 20. And he's 70? | ||
| And they were all, like, 20? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But wait. | ||
| But now, wouldn't he be like, we drive through the ghetto, and he'd be like, that's where I used to buy my crack there. | ||
| He would point out where. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This neighborhood's got the good stuff. | |
| I swear to God. | ||
| So, we're driving around, and I go, oh, I go, well, can I ask you something, now that we're friends, I guess? | ||
| He's like, yeah, shoot. | ||
| I was like, what's it like to smoke crack? | ||
| And he goes, oh, man. | ||
| He's like, what I like to do when I smoke crack is I'll just sit in my apartment, Wait, wait, stop. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Don't say anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Did he say porn? | ||
| He watches porn. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, go ahead. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| He goes, I like to look through the people, and I look around at what the fuck's happening. | ||
| I see all this shit. | ||
| I think about what's going to happen next. | ||
| I see people walking by, and I just kind of fucking freak out, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like... | |
| And I was like, that sounds terrible, man. | ||
| And he was like, it's part of the rush. | ||
| That's the rush, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is going to happen next? | |
| You look through the people to see if the people are going to come get you. | ||
| That's his rush. | ||
| I had to stop you because everybody says, everybody that I've ever talked to that smokes crack says they watch porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| No, well, Henry did say, I invited this girl over and we fuck like animals. | ||
| Like, he would have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he did say that. | |
| Did I say his name? | ||
| He would have sex. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Sorry, I didn't say his last name. | ||
| No, I don't know his last name. | ||
| Henry the ape. | ||
| So, the best is, and this sounds like, I swear this is exactly how it goes, I go, so do you still do that shit? | ||
| And he goes, nah, man, nah, nah, nah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, well... | |
| You know, every once in a while, but you know what they say. | ||
| If you do something every once in a while, it's not that bad for you. | ||
| And I go, I think they mean that about, like, pizza. | ||
| Like chocolate, not crack. | ||
| And he's like, ah, it's no big deal, buddy. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Every once in a while. | ||
| Well, do you remember when the mayor of Washington, D.C. got caught smoking crack? | ||
| Mary and Mary. | ||
| Yeah, with an FBI agent in a fucking hotel room or an informant. | ||
| She was being a prostitute. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You remember that shit? | ||
| He was smoking crack. | ||
| And running the nation's capital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, when they asked people about it, the greatest thing was, after he got caught, this guy, I remember this guy on TV, they say, what do you think about the mayor getting caught smoking crack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, man, everybody smoke a little crack right now and then. | |
| Every now and then. | ||
| He said, everybody smoke a little crack every now and then. | ||
| This guy was on TV. He's like, come on, man. | ||
| Stop playing. | ||
| You're being ridiculous. | ||
| Why you stop playing? | ||
| Who doesn't? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who doesn't smoke crack? | |
| Everybody smoke some crack a little now and then. | ||
| I was on Opie and Anthony and he was in the hallway. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, we were in the Sirius Studios, you know, so there's a big window. | ||
| You could see who's walking down the hallway. | ||
| And Marion Barry was walking down the hallway. | ||
| So one of the interns from the Opie and Anthony show, or maybe was it Eric? | ||
| Who was it, E-Rock? | ||
| I think it was E-Rock, yeah. | ||
| He went out and grabbed him. | ||
| Grabbed Marion Barry and brought him into one of the most hostile radio shows in the history of the fucking human race. | ||
| These guys are the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he sits Mary of Barry in there and we just start asking him questions about getting caught with crack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And one of the things he said was like, nobody knows what was in that pipe. | |
| I'm like, what? | ||
| That's him saying I wasn't doing it? | ||
| Crack pipe, and I'm like, there was a video where you were smoking crack. | ||
| Nobody knows what was in that pipe. | ||
| Like, wow! | ||
| Wow, still denying it. | ||
| Political, how political. | ||
| Yeah, very. | ||
| He's still got a career. | ||
| He's still out there making it happen. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's out there. | ||
| He was running for something. | ||
| He became mayor again. | ||
| Yeah, and he also... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He did become mayor again, but he also, he ran for something during the last elections. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| Something maybe... | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| A lot of what being a fucking mayor is about is not what you do with your freak time. | ||
| It's about what you do with the rest of your time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They felt like he was actually representing them. | |
| So he was out there just keeping it real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he get on these motherfuckers, man? | |
| I think it's intense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I just want to taste that child's bottle. | ||
| I'm about to smoke a little crack even now and then. | ||
| I'll never forget that guy. | ||
| He was annoying. | ||
| Man, come on with this. | ||
| What is this nonsense? | ||
| Isn't Ted Haggard back doing some religious stuff? | ||
| Yeah, not only is he back, but he's brilliant in the way he approaches it that everyone in his whole thing, oh, we have drug dealers and prostitutes and everybody looking to be saved. | ||
| You know, it's like we've all lost our way, but God is still there and I'm still going to lead you to God. | ||
| Okay, but he's not gay, right? | ||
| Oh, he's gay as fuck. | ||
| He's still married, but he's gay as fuck. | ||
| Of course he's gay, yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He's just fighting it. | ||
| That shit you just watch. | ||
| Don't you watch that documentary and you see him with his wife and they're driving and they're just trying to get an apartment. | ||
| As he's talking, you're like, man, you would be so much happier if you would just get up and be like, I'm totally gay. | ||
| I'll see you later. | ||
| Just go be happy, man. | ||
| You don't have to be that miserable. | ||
| There's that, but there's also the intoxication of being a leader. | ||
| Yeah, he loves it. | ||
| He's too addicted to that. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| A lot of the behavior is not genuine. | ||
| A lot of what his behavior is, is he's behaving the way he thinks people are going to accept. | ||
| The way he thinks people are going to find admirable. | ||
| It's like his real behavior. | ||
| He's not being honest with himself. | ||
| And if he's not being honest with himself, how the fuck could he be honest with other people? | ||
| He's gaining control in all these other people's lives and fighting off the lack of control he has on his own. | ||
| He needs to be a leader of a church. | ||
| He needs to be the man speaking. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's like crazy. | ||
| He's a hypocritical piece of shit and he's homophobic. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's... | ||
| Smoking meth and getting gay hookers. | ||
| Right! | ||
| That's the worst kind, the hypocritical ones. | ||
| All the congressmen. | ||
| All the righteous men. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| All the guys that tell you how to live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| And criticize you how you live. | ||
| Why would you care? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Look, I might not want to live on Santa Monica Boulevard while the fucking gay parade is going on. | ||
| Nobody in L.A. does. | ||
| I don't want it to be so that I can't... | ||
| Driving in my driveway without tripping over dudes fucking each other on my lawn. | ||
| I don't want it to be that bad. | ||
| Can you imagine tripping over boners? | ||
| That'd be so weird. | ||
| Everywhere you go, they'd cop out of the ground. | ||
| Have you lived in San Francisco? | ||
| I did. | ||
| You pretty much do. | ||
| I live in that Rick Santorum. | ||
| That piece of human shit, too. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| He's running for the Republican candidate. | ||
| Presidential nomination, yeah. | ||
| He's a huge homophobic piece. | ||
| Oh, is he? | ||
| He's probably gay. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He also wants to make... | ||
| He wants to take away abortion. | ||
| He's really anti-gay. | ||
| Not just abortion. | ||
| He wants to take away birth control. | ||
| Birth control. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| He doesn't want to make... | ||
| Because he said that's not what it's for. | ||
| If you're using birth control, like, you're not... | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Well, he's... | ||
| Who the fuck are you, stupid? | ||
| Well, you know, it's people with their priorities that are so out of whack. | ||
| Like, why would you even be interested in that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a piece of shit. | |
| Why would that be what you want to control? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Why do you give a shit? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| You want to take away birth control, you crazy asshole? | ||
| You want to make it easier for people to get pregnant accidentally? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Because that's God's will. | ||
| Morons, man. | ||
| But why does he even care about what the gays are doing? | ||
| Because he wants some gay dick. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Fighting off the gay. | ||
| Tooth and nail, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even think about it. | |
| He's a real motherfucker. | ||
| All day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day, all night. | |
| Just clawing off that gay, trying to push it back. | ||
| Sitting on dicks. | ||
| It's a sad thing when you see these poor fucking people suppressing people. | ||
| What do you think about this Occupy Wall Street shit? | ||
| I haven't talked to you about this. | ||
| What's your take on all this? | ||
| I think it's great that a group of people want to feel this way about there's a lot of inequality. | ||
| I think it's great collectively. | ||
| The problem, the real flaw in Occupy Wall Street and these things is that there's not a clear set of Like, they're trying to achieve it almost like this, you know, like, let's just do this. | ||
| Collectively, as a society, we're making a statement about being the 99% and you guys the 1% has and we're the have-nots. | ||
| But I think it would have been more effective if they had had, like, a clear list of, like, this is what we want to accomplish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's more, I feel like, having watched it from outside, I'm not an expert on it by any means, but it just feels like it's more of a statement. | ||
| You go, oh yeah, it makes people aware, but there isn't really like, you know... | ||
| A course of action? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| What do we do? | ||
| Well, I think everybody's trying to figure that out, for sure. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| I think, you know, it's interesting, and I think the message really is this. | ||
| I feel like what I get from it is if Is if you really could get a lot, and I mean a ton of people, behind a certain idea, you can affect change. | ||
| We're not going to see, I don't think we're seeing a lot of change from the entire Occupy movement, but the idea, it kind of lays out for you that like... | ||
| They could take over a park or a square or a street and disrupt that day's normal function. | ||
| And if you were to magnify that, if you were to multiply the number of people there, and you really had people saying, we are not going to stand for this, it leads me to believe that you could affect change. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Look at the 60s. | ||
| I mean, there was a whole culture... | ||
| Well, you know, what's really interesting is that this has only been around for, what, 90 days or something like that? | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| And, you know, they did a recent poll. | ||
| More than half of America supports the Occupy Wall Street movement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're not going to participate, though. | ||
| Yeah, but during the Vietnam War, it took five years to achieve those same numbers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It took a long time of protesting before people really thought that the war was a bad idea. | ||
| You know, people in the 1950s had convinced everybody that communism was going to be a real problem, and, you know, we were looking for communists in our own society, and They were arresting people during the McCarthy era and stuff like that. | ||
| And I think during the 60s, people were a tad naive to how really fucked up and creepy the government could be. | ||
| We had just gone a couple of decades from World War II ending. | ||
| So I think a lot of people thought that the government was just and our army was strong and we fought off the Nazis and we fought off the Japs and we're fucking America and we're not cunts. | ||
| And then this whole... | ||
| We're not cunts. | ||
| I like that motto. | ||
| The Gulf of Tonkin incident happened, and we were brought into a war. | ||
| There was no fucking reason to be in Vietnam for any American idea, for anything that any people here that would have supported. | ||
| They lied to us. | ||
| They lied to people. | ||
| They claimed we were attacked when we weren't. | ||
| They made up bullshit. | ||
| So I think the people today, we're aware of all these things in much larger numbers. | ||
| To this day, I bet a lot of people don't realize that the impetus for us getting into the Vietnam War was a hoax. | ||
| I bet a lot of people aren't aware to this day of Operation Northwoods or all the plans. | ||
| There was plans to blame if space program things went wrong. | ||
| There was plans to blame it on the Cubans and attack Cuba. | ||
| There was a bunch of different plans to blame things on Cubans and attack Cubans. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying really hard to figure out a way to go to war with Cuba to the point where they were going to fake attacks on American civilians. | ||
| They were going to arm Cuban friendlies to lob mortars at Guantanamo Bay and attack Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| I mean, it's some crazy shit. | ||
| It really is crazy. | ||
| Which, by the way, Guantanamo Bay, that's pretty fucking crazy, too, when you think of these people that are enemies. | ||
| One of them has a giant military base on your fucking country. | ||
| That is nuts. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| Have you really? | ||
| What the hell is that like, dude? | ||
| Well, the first thing that strikes you, really, is that it's so beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's kind of the thing that stands out to you. | ||
| You imagine, like, I'm going to a military base that It also has one of the world's most notorious prison camps, and it's all in underdeveloped Caribbean waters. | ||
| Don't they have crazy rats or something? | ||
| Well, they do. | ||
| The banana rat will fucking blow your mind. | ||
| Banana rat? | ||
| You've got to look it up. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| They're all over the island. | ||
| Banana rat? | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| They're all over the island, and you shit when you first see them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they have guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're all over the place. | |
| And that's the proper reaction to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the size of this fucking thing. | ||
| Didn't she say that Castro could see? | ||
| Oh, there's some really cool stuff. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They're actually kind of cute for a rat. | ||
| I'd rather take a banana rat than a regular rat. | ||
| Here's how bad the problem is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking pig, dude. | |
| There's guys on base. | ||
| That are not, like, they're not even military guys. | ||
| They got hired, they give them a.22, and their job is, at night, you just drive around, you shine a light, and you just shoot them. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I've seen this. | ||
| I've seen this. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Are they, like, it's not the same as a nutria, is it? | ||
| They're not exactly the same, no. | ||
| Look at this picture. | ||
| Tell me when you shoot that. | ||
| You'd shoot it, man. | ||
| Oh, my God, that's weird. | ||
| When you shoot that thing, you would shoot it. | ||
| It's like those weird things on Half-Life. | ||
| That thing wants to eat your babies, bro. | ||
| Tell you that right now. | ||
| That thing wants to eat a baby. | ||
| That fucking rat, if you left it alone with a baby, it would slowly eat its feet. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it would. | ||
| It would eat your baby's feet. | ||
| This thing's a creepy-ass rat. | ||
| You see the coastline, and you see the water, and you see... | ||
| It's basically how much of the Caribbean is underdeveloped. | ||
| You basically see what the island looked like 500 years ago. | ||
| Brian, look at this picture. | ||
| You get a better picture of this one. | ||
| This is a big-ass fucking animal. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that they got me one night and they made me scream. | ||
| A high-pitched scream. | ||
| You know Dan Smith, the comedian Dan Smith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was there with him and a couple other guys, Mal Hall and what's his name? | ||
| Patrick DeGear. | ||
| We were all there. | ||
| And we get out of this van and they had talked about... | ||
| We pull up in the van and they're like, there's a banana rat right there. | ||
| And the lights of the van are on. | ||
| So we get out of the van and we all walk kind of close. | ||
| They told us they eat vegetables or the shrub. | ||
| They're not predatory. | ||
| But it's still a gross, massive thing. | ||
| So I sneak up and I'm still six feet from it. | ||
| And right as I squat down to look and squint my eyes, Dan runs his fingers up my neck like this and goes like, there it is. | ||
| And I go, I scream and I'm terrified of this fucking thing. | ||
| It is the grossest looking thing. | ||
| And it's massive. | ||
| It's like a fucking dog, man. | ||
| It's a rat the size of a dog. | ||
| You jump. | ||
| I mean, they're gross. | ||
| Terrifying and gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Joe, stop masturbating when Tom's talking. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| I have to relieve myself. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| I was on some military base. | ||
| The fears. | ||
| The fears made me... | ||
| Of Ventura County. | ||
| And they had like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What did they have? | ||
| Feral raccoons? | ||
| You couldn't feed them? | ||
| They were just like everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because you know, there's a military base there. | ||
| You thought raccoons were friendly. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I didn't know that they were dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| You thought what was friendly? | ||
| Raccoons. | ||
| I never grown up with raccoons. | ||
| I live in LA. I had a huge problem with a raccoon when I lived in New York. | ||
| I lived in New Rochelle. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| New Rochelle is right outside the Bronx. | ||
| It's like a suburb. | ||
| When I moved to New York, I couldn't afford to live in the city. | ||
| When you live in the city, it's much more expensive. | ||
| So I lived in the suburbs and I drove... | ||
| And I needed a car anyway because I drove to gigs and I had to have a place where I could park my car because there's no way I could afford to live in an apartment in New York and have a parking spot. | ||
| You have to buy a parking spot somewhere and it's fucking brutal. | ||
| It's really expensive. | ||
| So I had to pull down this driveway and I would stop my car right in front of the garbage cans. | ||
| And when I would come home at night, it was fucking terrifying because these raccoons were big. | ||
| They were really big and they were really well fed because they were just fucking people's garbage cans up left and right. | ||
| Because, you know, you're dealing with house after house after house and garbage can after garbage can after garbage can. | ||
| So they're just eating constantly. | ||
| And they know exactly where the food is. | ||
| So they pull the tops off that bitch, throw that motherfucker on the ground. | ||
| I mean, they pull them to the ground. | ||
| They're aggressive, yeah. | ||
| And I get out of my car, and this motherfucker's looking at me like, fucking baffles up and shit. | ||
| And I'm thinking, if this thing charges me, I'm fucked. | ||
| I'm dead. | ||
| So I got a blowgun. | ||
| And, you know, like with darts, you know, a blowgun. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, oh, okay. | ||
| Where'd you get that at? | ||
| Like tranquilizer. | ||
| I got it at a gun show. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I went to a gun show. | ||
| That was the only thing you'd get if you don't have a license for a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How fun. | |
| So I got a blowgun. | ||
| Did you ever say you got a chest king? | ||
| I waited, and these motherfuckers must have known I had a blowgun. | ||
| I swear to God, he never came back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that raccoon never came back. | ||
| It's almost like he sensed something predatory. | ||
| He sensed I was laying a trap for his ass. | ||
| Or he just found some fat people down the hall and had some awesome garbage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got their garbage every night. | ||
| It's Pizza Cross. | ||
| Fuck yeah, we got the spot. | ||
| I never saw that raccoon again, but he was fucking huge, man. | ||
| I know people in Florida that would go hunting with semi-automatic machine guns to hunt raccoons. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Flashlights and then with like AR-15s. | ||
| Does that really count? | ||
| Florida is so crazy. | ||
| It is the craziest place. | ||
| Florida is not the South. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's not the South and it's not the North. | ||
| It's the southernmost part of the United States, but it's not considered the South. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| The South doesn't even want to have anything to do with Florida. | ||
| The only time the South wants anything to do with Florida is when you go, well, Laren Skinner came from Florida. | ||
| Oh, you got me. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| Florida is like a hybrid. | ||
| It is like a strip mall of a state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a dirty strip mall of a state. | ||
| Even the best parts of Florida. | ||
| Whenever I'm in Miami, I love the people down there. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| I love going down there and do gigs. | ||
| But I always put myself in a position. | ||
| I say, what if I had to move to Florida? | ||
| What would I do? | ||
| I'd be like, fuck! | ||
| I just think about my kids growing up in Florida and being raped. | ||
| It's like a hopeless city. | ||
| My parents live there, bro. | ||
| I know it's nice. | ||
| My parents live there. | ||
| My parents live in a real nice place. | ||
| But there's something wrong with that state. | ||
| It's not a coincidence that so many fucking serial killers and psychos come from that spot. | ||
| And that's also where you go if you're like psycho and you're like, where can I get to fuck some shit off? | ||
| Where can I ditch your body? | ||
| Where does it not snow? | ||
| In my mind, I knew a lot of shady people when I was a kid, and everyone eventually went to Florida. | ||
| They all went down to Florida. | ||
| They moved to Florida. | ||
| My fucking sister moved down to Florida. | ||
| Her shady husband moved down to Florida. | ||
| My fucking parents moved down to Florida. | ||
| They're attracted to it. | ||
| The weather's phenomenal. | ||
| Until the sky becomes a fucking brick wall of rain. | ||
| Have you ever had that happen? | ||
| You have to stop your car. | ||
| You have to stop the car on the highway because you can't drive. | ||
| I don't think people understand what kind of rain we're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane! | |
| Eddie Bravo had a seminar in Miami. | ||
| We drove from Fort Lauderdale down to Miami. | ||
| It was like 15-20 minutes? | ||
| Not even, right? | ||
| We're on the highway. | ||
| We can't go anywhere! | ||
| You literally can't drive and it feels like your car is getting fucked up. | ||
| It's like hail. | ||
| It's whooshing down. | ||
| It's like a year's worth of rain all in one blast. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| The whole highway stopped dead. | ||
| Hobbits all the time. | ||
| You can't even see in front of you. | ||
| You can't even drive. | ||
| People don't know about that shit. | ||
| That type of rain, too, is like, you think, oh, that must be a tropical storm or a hurricane, which I've driven both of those and they're horrifying and crazy and you can't believe that. | ||
| No, that's just rain. | ||
| That's just an afternoon shower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just hard rain. | |
| That ain't shit. | ||
| The hurricane is that times a million plus flying trees. | ||
| I've not experienced a hurricane yet. | ||
| I was at a hurricane in Boston. | ||
| I don't remember what year, but by the time it got up to us, everybody was just scared and huddled in. | ||
| We lived in Newton. | ||
| We were pretty far inland. | ||
| The real people that had to worry were the people that were on the shore. | ||
| How wicked was the hurricane? | ||
| It was wicked pisser. | ||
| I came in and fucked everybody sideways. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Was it like a big hurricane though? | ||
| Was it like a three? | ||
| If I had a choice between moving back to Boston and living in Florida, I'd take Boston in a fucking heartbeat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Shit winters and all. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| First of all, they have a sense of humor. | ||
| Wait, are you saying Boston versus Florida, you'd pick Boston? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Human beings in Boston, it does not compare. | ||
| Just being around the human beings, you'd have way more fun in Boston. | ||
| A thousand times more fun. | ||
| They're way more fun. | ||
| The further south you go to in Florida, it gets crazier, more aggressive. | ||
| You might as well be in a foreign country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I love it. | |
| They should have a fucking passport to go to Miami. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| They should check you at the border. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys are thinking all the bad parts of Florida. | |
| There's so much good shit. | ||
| There's so much pussy. | ||
| Tommy and I have done a bunch of gigs in Florida. | ||
| We did the Florida Comedy Festival. | ||
| We did that theater down in Miami. | ||
| We've done the improv a couple times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did Tampa. | |
| We did West Palm. | ||
| We've done a bunch of gigs. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I'm done with that place. | ||
| I cut that place out of my diet in the early 2000s. | ||
| Me and Joey Diaz used to go down there because Joey knew the guy who was the original owner. | ||
| The original owner is always like, let me get a drawer. | ||
| That was back when Joey was in the dark days and he would just get money. | ||
| And the club owners would be reluctant to give him money because he might disappear. | ||
| Call you from Havana on a fucking raft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dog, I don't know how I got here, but it looks like I'm stuck. | |
| You know, and we would go to these, do these shows at the Miami Improv, and the whole crowd would break out into a fucking discussion. | ||
| Like, over nothing. | ||
| They're real chatty. | ||
| I had a joke where I mentioned Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| Somehow or another, it was like a part of a joke that I used to do. | ||
| Something about getting punched by Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| And then someone goes... | ||
| Fuck Oscar De La Jolla, man! | ||
| Fernando Vargas! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fernando Vargas! | |
| And then it was like, he's a bitch! | ||
| Julio Cesar Chavez is the man! | ||
| And then it became this fucking crazy argument amongst apes. | ||
| They might as well. | ||
| They might as well have been... | ||
| Chimpanzees that someone taught how to talk. | ||
| They were just the dumbest human beings I've ever been around. | ||
| And the rest of the crowd was the people who were forced to live around these moron kids. | ||
| And so they were just like sighing, like shaking their head back and forth. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| But it was a savage crowd. | ||
| They had not tamed that crowd. | ||
| And because of that, the most unruly of the unruly, the dumbest of the dumb, were drawn to that club and they papered the fuck out of the room. | ||
| The original owner, he used to gack out hardcore. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| And so he wasn't taking care of the place correctly, apparently. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should try it these days. | |
| This is allegedly. | ||
| This is all allegedly. | ||
| I'm not trying Miami Improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun now. | |
| Fuck! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun now. | |
| I remember the day when I was on stage where this was breaking out. | ||
| This fucking fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why this, bro! | |
| And I stop in the middle of my set and I go, you people are way too dumb and I'm never coming back here. | ||
| I'm like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| Did you not come out? | ||
| You came out to a comedy show and you want to yell at who's your favorite boxer. | ||
| There was the impulsiveness. | ||
| There was no discipline. | ||
| It was literally like you were around the brattiest kids ever, but they were drinking and somehow or another they were 21. They were the brattiest kids who just felt like they could just yell things out. | ||
| And it's like, does anybody ever tell you to shut the fuck up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever? | |
| I know. | ||
| Does anybody ever tell you to shut the fuck up? | ||
| Because this is nonsense. | ||
| You have to be a crazy person to come to a comedy club and be this unaware. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| Can I ask you something? | ||
| Because this happened to me at the comedy store on Saturday. | ||
| Have you ever had someone... | ||
| Just make a comment in the crowd or just say some shit to you that enrages you. | ||
| It hits a trigger in you so fucking hard. | ||
| That's what they're trying to do. | ||
| Yeah, and you see Red and you're like, I'm gonna fucking... | ||
| And then they have that big animated troll face. | ||
| I love that face. | ||
| That's what they have. | ||
| They won. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| It was so stupid. | ||
| I was talking about birth control pill and how they market it. | ||
| And they always say it's to regulate. | ||
| It was a dumb throwaway. | ||
| It was a minute thing. | ||
| And I don't usually talk about my period. | ||
| I know that's a fucking email comic cliche. | ||
| And I know. | ||
| And he made an audible, ugh! | ||
| And I went bonkers because he had a woman with him. | ||
| And in my head I'm thinking, Asshole, you're with a woman. | ||
| You fuck that woman. | ||
| You put your mouth on her vagina. | ||
| Babies, come out of that vagina. | ||
| Why are you so offended at just the sheer... | ||
| Like I said, it wasn't a bit about it. | ||
| I didn't go into it. | ||
| It was a throwaway thing I had said. | ||
| And it immediately, for whatever reason, I wanted to fucking kill that guy. | ||
| Well, because your instincts are correct. | ||
| The guy's a douchebag. | ||
| And what was really going on was that the guy is probably insecure, and he probably wanted to impress the girl by being more funny than you, or by criticizing you, or maybe came in with really close-minded expectations, like, chicks aren't funny. | ||
| There's a fucking chick up there. | ||
| Right, but he was laughing. | ||
| Everything after that, I did well, and then he laughed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything after that. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Maybe he had to shut the fuck up because he knew that he was going to get crushed and then he was like, oh my god, I'm getting no pussy now. | ||
| I'm already a loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You know, he probably panicked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see. | |
| He probably got a little cocky. | ||
| I see. | ||
| You fucking chest flexed him and he panicked and he went into a goddamn tailspin. | ||
| Yeah, I see. | ||
| But then how do you deal with people when they say shit that just triggers your thing? | ||
| You've got to be zen. | ||
| Look, it's all snake poison. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| I need help, guys. | ||
| When you get bit by a snake the first time, you get fucked up. | ||
| It's venomous. | ||
| It tears you up. | ||
| You're sick. | ||
| You could die. | ||
| But after those fucking guys that handle snakes all the time, when they get bit, those motherfuckers, they're immune to the shit because they give themselves injections of snake venom. | ||
| They do it on purpose. | ||
| It's like a comic forcing themselves to do a spot at the comic store Tuesday at 1 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| You're giving yourself snake venom. | ||
| The only people there are junkies or fucking wastoids or drunk tourists that just wandered in from off the street. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not like it's a comedy connoisseur audience, right? | ||
| But that's snake venom. | ||
| You get a little snake venom in you and after a while you become immune to it. | ||
| And then when people yell things out, then you can go, why are you yelling? | ||
| What's going on with you? | ||
| That's actually brilliant, yeah. | ||
| Then you turn it on them and then they become a part of the show. | ||
| My issue with it is then it's a different kind of comedy. | ||
| People enjoy it because they love... | ||
| Off the cuff shit. | ||
| They love watching hackers get destroyed. | ||
| People get a kick out of that shit. | ||
| But at the end of the day, it's a different show. | ||
| You're not doing your set anymore. | ||
| What's much better is that you get to do your set unfucked with. | ||
| Yeah, I can do that, man. | ||
| Look, I do question and answers where I'll do like an hour more and I'll just let people yell out anything. | ||
| And I talk to the people in the crowd. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| But that's after I've already done my material, man. | ||
| Don't interrupt. | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| And the only people that do that are idiots. | ||
| You have to be an idiot to yell at a movie theater. | ||
| You have to be an idiot to yell at a comedy show, to try to get someone's attention, to try to interrupt and inject your own bullshit. | ||
| I always tell them, man, go to an open mic night. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can do it. | |
| I know you do. | ||
| I know you're insecure, and this is the easy way to do it. | ||
| But really, you want attention. | ||
| And you want attention that you don't fucking deserve. | ||
| And instead of going through the proper channels to get this attention, what you're doing is trying to usurp it from someone who has achieved it. | ||
| Here, you are on the stage. | ||
| You've gone through the part of getting hired by the club. | ||
| You've got television credits. | ||
| You're an established stand-up comedian, seasoned by the road. | ||
| You're on the stage, and this person literally wants to jump into your spot automatically, usurp your position. | ||
| They're essentially trying to steal your bike. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he's trying to do. | ||
| Yeah, I don't agree with the mentality. | ||
| I don't understand that I would never do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you're not a cunt. | |
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I always say only losers do that shit. | ||
| You're not going to take a winner. | ||
| There's no winner in the world. | ||
| No person who's got their shit together in the world who wants to yell out and cause attention to this whole other comedy show. | ||
| That's a sign of immaturity or just a lack of objective analysis of their own self and the way they behave. | ||
| It's a total lack of civility, too. | ||
| I was more mad at myself that I let that guy sidetrack me. | ||
| That's what always happens. | ||
| But it's good for you. | ||
| Ultimately, it's good for you. | ||
| It is, really. | ||
| You learn from that shit. | ||
| Because then you're like, why did that trigger that in me? | ||
| I just wanted to kill him. | ||
| The worst is when they come up to you, I was helping you out up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Brian, you've been heckled a lot, right? | ||
| You get heckled, don't you? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| I've seen you get heckled. | ||
| Do you not remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I mean, nothing bad. | ||
| Maybe somebody will yell something out, but nothing like where they keep on going the whole time, where it's like a real heckle back and forth. | ||
| How much difference do you find in doing my shows as opposed to doing just random shows on the road? | ||
| Your shows are just fun because they know me. | ||
| And that completely is awesome because they already know my sense of humor. | ||
| Yeah, they already know you're a silly person. | ||
| Yeah, so it's already easy for you just to start your show. | ||
| It's totally different, right? | ||
| Isn't that cool? | ||
| That's the best when you have your own audience. | ||
| Yeah, I can't wait. | ||
| You guys are going to have it. | ||
| Look, you know, your podcast is fucking hilarious. | ||
| And folks who haven't heard it, it's Your Mom's House and it's on Death Squad. | ||
| So if you go to iTunes and if you want to look specifically for theirs, look for the Death Squad ones that say Your Mom's House. | ||
| And that's Tom and the lovely Mrs. Segura. | ||
| One of my favorite ones. | ||
| It's a lot of fun to do, man. | ||
| We really enjoy doing it. | ||
| Yeah, and we're going to put the Ice House ones, folks, for everybody who's been asking. | ||
| That is also now going to be on Death Squad. | ||
| So what it's called is the Ice House Chronicles, and we have a full studio set up in Pasadena, and it is fucking dope. | ||
| And Brian has been doing all of his podcasts out of there now. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| We're going to do one out of there this Thursday. | ||
| I'm not sure who's going to do it yet, but then we're going to have a show there Thursday night. | ||
| So that should be a lot of fun. | ||
| The Thursday night show is a 10 p.m. | ||
| show, and... | ||
| Get tickets from the Ice House, icehousecomedy.com and get them quick because it will sell out. | ||
| It's only 85 seats. | ||
| We did it last week and it sold out and it was fucking awesome. | ||
| The crowd is cool as shit, man. | ||
| These podcast fans are awesome. | ||
| This is the greatest, smartest thing I've ever done and it totally happened by accident. | ||
| Can I ask your fans to come see me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Where are you? | ||
| This week I'm going to be at the Comedy Mix in the great city of Vancouver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that is a great club. | |
| Thursday, Friday, Saturday at the Comedy Mix on Burrard Street. | ||
| It's one of my favorites that I play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that is the old Yuck Yucks. | |
| I've never done that yet. | ||
| Yuck Yucks in Vancouver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the shit. | |
| Oh, it's one of the best... | ||
| set up rooms in the country or I shouldn't say in the country because Canada not just the country North America North America it's a perfect setup it's low ceilings tight seating I love it great place nice crowd great owner nice guy nice people that work there It's great. | ||
| Yeah, Tommy and I did it last time we did it. | ||
| We did a theater on Friday... | ||
| What did we do on Friday night? | ||
| Where did we go? | ||
| I forget the name of the theater. | ||
| We did a theater on Friday night, and then Saturday night, after the fights, we went... | ||
| No, is it Enmore? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| And then after the fights, we went and did... | ||
| It might have been... | ||
| And after the fights, we went and did the comedy mix. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| What a great little club. | ||
| And like I said, it used to be Yuck Yucks. | ||
| We did it as Yuck Yucks back in the day, right? | ||
| You, me, and who else? | ||
| Who else did it with us? | ||
| Yoshi. | ||
| Yoshi did it with us. | ||
| Who's going to be on the show Thursday night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thursday night. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| We've got to do more shows with Yoshi. | ||
| Yeah, I like Yoshi a lot. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's friends with Asa Akira, this girl that we had on the podcast yesterday. | ||
| By the way, have you guys watched a porn video on your TV recently, like in HD? Like, it's completely disgusting. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, you're watching that hardcore open up your asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I hate that. | |
| Well, I haven't watched porn on a TV recently, I don't know. | ||
| I hate singing cypher. | ||
| They're doing terrible things to people. | ||
| That's super aggressive shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like the rape simulation. | ||
| There's a lot of spitting and assholes. | ||
| It's just rape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're watching race. | |
| You're watching rape now. | ||
| That's aggressive shit. | ||
| He had like eagle claws. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was prying upon the nostril and the vagina at the same time. | ||
| I don't like seeing that whole rectal... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eagle claw. | |
| Eagle claw. | ||
| And I'm also not like... | ||
| I mean, I like it watching an aggressively done blowjob, sure. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I don't like it aggressive at all. | ||
| I don't like confusing sex with rape. | ||
| I agree it's too violent. | ||
| I don't mean violent. | ||
| I am very, very in touch with my chimpanzee instincts. | ||
| And I think there's probably some dark reason why men are so much fucking stronger than women. | ||
| And it probably has a lot to do with nature wanting us to hold you down and fuck the shit out of you. | ||
| Sometimes you fight back and we have to club you. | ||
| So I don't want to ever tap into that fucking primordial pool of behavior. | ||
| I mean the aggressiveness coming from the girl. | ||
| I don't mean like a throat smash. | ||
| Oh yeah, I know. | ||
| When they get crazy. | ||
| That's fun to watch for a little bit. | ||
| But then when they go like... | ||
| I don't like it that aggressive. | ||
| Can I tell you, I don't like either. | ||
| And I love Bella Donna because she's very pro. | ||
| I like her energy and I like her as a person. | ||
| I got to meet her at Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show. | ||
| But when she puts a baseball bat. | ||
| Up her ass. | ||
| Not the thin end. | ||
| The other end. | ||
| Not the end you hold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I forget who sent me that. | ||
| I think it might have been Duncan. | ||
| It was a long time ago someone sent me that video. | ||
| And the heading just said, batter up. | ||
| And so I opened the email. | ||
| You know it's one of those things where someone just sends you something in the email. | ||
| I opened the email and then it just said, I love people! | ||
| Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. | ||
| And then this link. | ||
| And I clicked the link and this girl has a bat up her ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And just joyfully. | ||
| Well, I was like, well, fuck, man. | ||
| Someone finally did the last thing that there is to do. | ||
| And then I thought about it. | ||
| I'm like, wow, I wonder how long it took to do this. | ||
| And then I said, well, how many people have done this? | ||
| So then I Googled baseball bat up the ass. | ||
| And there's like fucking 28,284 million. | ||
| I mean, who knows how many goddamn results there were. | ||
| But it was ridiculous. | ||
| It's like there's a whole genre of porn where girls stick baseball bats up each other's asses now. | ||
| She didn't do it first. | ||
| They can't help but take it to the darkest level possible. | ||
| Didn't you say that Homegirl did double anal and double vaginal? | ||
| We were joking in the interview. | ||
| I said something about double vaginal and double anal. | ||
| Which is Trey Parker in Matt Stone's band. | ||
| That's why I always say it as a joke. | ||
| I didn't think people actually did it. | ||
| Asshole and vagina were really like the center point of a kaleidoscope of vaginal. | ||
| Male bodies. | ||
| It was just male bodies and then two cocks in her vagina and two cocks in her asshole. | ||
| How do you do that physically? | ||
| How do you physically stand? | ||
| How does everybody find a good spot to stand? | ||
| Four Asians? | ||
| That's not even good. | ||
| Four cocks! | ||
| They would have to be like Cirque du Soleil dancers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This video that she's in though, every time... | |
| Wait, who are we talking about? | ||
| Bella Donner? | ||
| Asa Akira. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| And every video she went to, or every person she went to, it just got bigger and bigger. | ||
| She was fucking this black dude, where his dick, seriously, was about the size from my kneecap to my foot. | ||
| And thick. | ||
| That thick. | ||
| And she's just fucking in the ass with that. | ||
| It just slips right in, and it's in HD, and it's fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I put it on 3D, and it didn't help anything. | |
| But that's what bothers me is that they hurry in the anal. | ||
| They hurry? | ||
| I'm very timid. | ||
| They get busy with it? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, are you ready? | ||
| Bam! | ||
| There's no gentle... | ||
| Are you ready? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's no gentle one finger. | |
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| Because obviously there's some editing, some professional editing. | ||
| What they're giving you is only the most extreme aspect of the fantasy. | ||
| A lot of it involves men abusing the women. | ||
| Yeah, this guy was dragging her from one part of the house to the other part of the house by her hands. | ||
| I heard somewhere that the incidence of rape has gone down. | ||
| With this type of porn? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Well, that's the Japanese philosophy. | ||
| I don't know if it's true. | ||
| I don't know if it's founded. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Look, I think sexual suppression is responsible. | ||
| And then also the lack of expression is responsible for a lot of things that people do where they act out, do something fucked up. | ||
| But then how many people are going to be inspired by these videos to actually do it to get the ultimate thrill and do it in real life? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'm a lady. | ||
| Do you guys ever switch it up in the bedroom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, Tom dresses up as the woman and you dress up as the guy? | |
| Yeah, no big deal. | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom wears the shoes with the heels and whatever. | |
| Could you see Tom as a woman? | ||
| I put on her onesie. | ||
| I put on her onesie. | ||
| Oh, you did, yeah. | ||
| Hey, Tom. | ||
| Well, let me ask you this, Tom, because you're a sports fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a big sports fan. | ||
| What do you think about the whole Oscar De La Hoya getting caught wearing women's clothes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| No, he just recently admitted it. | ||
| He got caught a long time ago. | ||
| He got caught a while ago. | ||
| But he said it was all Photoshop nonsense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he recently admitted it because he said it's been haunting him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And apparently, like, this other girl just came out. | ||
| Another girl just came out and did an interview and said that this was like he would do. | ||
| He would corner everybody. | ||
| He wouldn't let the girls leave. | ||
| He'd, like, intimidate them. | ||
| He'd be, like, wearing girls' clothes and hanging out with them and talking like a girl. | ||
| I think, I mean, I totally buy it. | ||
| And I mean, I think it's quirky. | ||
| But I think, you know, when you hear, like, a story about somebody and your brain always does the assessment of, like, Right. | ||
| Can I see this person doing that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When I heard that initially about Oscar de Hoya, I was like, you get over the, like, the what? | ||
| What's the story? | ||
| And then I was like, oh, I could see that. | ||
| I could too. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| Do you think it's a gay thing? | ||
| Like, if you said, like, Bernard Hopkins did it, I'd be like, nah, nah, dude. | ||
| No, J. Edgar Hoover was a cross-dresser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he was gay. | |
| It's cross-dressing. | ||
| J. Edgar Hoover was gay. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was gay. | |
| Well, my understanding of cross-dressing is that it is not necessarily related to homosexuality. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seems pretty queer from where I'm sitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It might be a different flavor of queer. | ||
| It might not be your standard, genetic, I was born gay queer. | ||
| But it's still queer. | ||
| I think it leads to something to it. | ||
| And I respect him. | ||
| And by the way, I have zero problem with any kink that you have. | ||
| I'm not criticizing him in any way. | ||
| I don't want to get confused. | ||
| I respect that guy. | ||
| I think he's a great fighter. | ||
| He's a great fighter. | ||
| An interesting guy and a very brilliant businessman. | ||
| If you want to wear dresses, I think you should wear dresses. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I think it's just weird. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's pretty. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| Guys like him. | ||
| I think he... | ||
| I like him. | ||
| He's from LA. I think if he were to... | ||
| I don't know if he's from here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oscar? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| East LA. If he were to promote fights in a dress, that would be... | ||
| I got very excited. | ||
| Well, there's a Japanese guy. | ||
| He's bringing a whole new market. | ||
| I would go watch it. | ||
| I forget the guy's name. | ||
| I'll look it up real quick because I don't want to end this on a bad note. | ||
| There's a Japanese kickboxer that's a cross-dresser. | ||
| Is he out about it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's part of his walk-in entrance. | ||
| He comes into the ring with the fucking wig on and pigtails and dressed up like a schoolgirl. | ||
| And beats the fuck out of people. | ||
| I mean, he's a badass kickboxer. | ||
| Well, it's okay if I wear pants and a tuxedo. | ||
| Yeah, it's different. | ||
| Guys, we don't really, you know... | ||
| But why is it considered... | ||
| It's not considered cross-dressing if I dress like a dude? | ||
| There's not... | ||
| I don't think guys that aren't... | ||
| Most straight men don't have any desire to wear a dress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I know. | |
| No, I completely understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A kilt? | |
| Let your balls loose a little bit? | ||
| That's about as far as it goes, right? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's more utility in me wearing pants. | ||
| Yeah, than guys wearing... | ||
| Have you ever worn a girl's thong before? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's really pointless. | ||
| Why did you wear a girl's thong? | ||
| I don't even wear a girl's thong. | ||
| I spent the night at my girlfriend's house recently and I didn't have any underwear. | ||
| You put on her thong? | ||
| I took a shower and I was like, do you have any underwear? | ||
| She's like, I only have thongs. | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| So I tried it. | ||
| It was pretty much pointless. | ||
| Why do you even bother wearing it? | ||
| Can I tell you how unsanitary they are? | ||
| You tried it because you're like, I need underwear. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| Well, it puts your asshole bacteria on your vagina. | ||
| Yeah, you get a yeast infection that way. | ||
| It's terrible for you. | ||
| You gotta get some full back cotton breathers. | ||
| Like mommy wear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you know that you were not supposed to move your dick from the ass up? | |
| You didn't know? | ||
| I didn't know for a while. | ||
| How'd you not know? | ||
| I mean, I found out recent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck did you not know? | |
| Stuff and shit into your asshole. | ||
| Because I never got into ass sex much, I guess. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Well, you know, little girls, little young girls, oftentimes get sick because they wipe their ass incorrectly. | ||
| Because they wipe their ass into their vagina. | ||
| You've got to teach them to wipe their ass the wrong way. | ||
| They can get, like, septic. | ||
| You can. | ||
| It's fucking dangerous, man. | ||
| It's like, you can get really sick, like, real bad. | ||
| And that's how sick you can get from going butthole to vagina. | ||
| Yeah, I never really had to deal with that, I guess, until recently. | ||
| Do you get shit on your balls? | ||
| It's in your mouth. | ||
| Do you get shit on your balls? | ||
| How are you wiping? | ||
| Standing up with one leg on the... | ||
| Which direction are you wiping? | ||
| Are you wiping front to back? | ||
| He likes his balls with shitty... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or whichever side hurts less to the other side last. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| He abuses his asshole. | ||
| He ate a lot of meat. | ||
| He uses plugs a lot. | ||
| David tells my brother. | ||
| I've been using paper towels a lot to wipe. | ||
| Oh, do not flush that shit. | ||
| That would destroy your whole entire plumbing. | ||
| Nagashima, that's the dude. | ||
| The dude's name is Nagashima. | ||
| Nagashima is the Japanese gentleman who dresses up like a girl. | ||
| And even in his... | ||
| Look at this, check this out. | ||
| What is he wearing? | ||
| Take a look at this. | ||
| Yeah, he's a badass. | ||
| He knocked out Shinya Aoki. | ||
| He's one of the best MMA guys in the world. | ||
| This is him with a wig on, dressed like a girl. | ||
| What kind of wig does he like? | ||
| This one's a blonde one. | ||
| He wears different ones all the time. | ||
| Oh, who doesn't want to be a blonde one? | ||
| Uchihiro Nagashima. | ||
| That's bad motherfucker, for real? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| He destroyed Shinya. | ||
| Does he enter the ring like that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Look, here's another one of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| This one, he's got a blue wig on. | ||
| He's dressed like a girl. | ||
| I love the Japanese. | ||
| So do I. And he beats the fuck out of people. | ||
| So do you think, in your opinion, is that like, he's gay, this is like, I'm taking my gay rage to the ring? | ||
| No, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Look, for sure there's been some gay fighters, but no one's ever come out And he's not open? | ||
| No, no, he might not be gay. | ||
| He might just be just for fun. | ||
| I'm sorry, gay boxers, you mean? | ||
| MMA fighters. | ||
| Well, gay boxers as well. | ||
| Emil Griffith is a famous middleweight champion, and there's a guy who taunted him, and the guy wound up dying. | ||
| Bernie Perrette, I think the guy's name was? | ||
| Bernie Perrette? | ||
| I forget the guy's name. | ||
| But he killed him in a fight, I believe it was in New York, in a boxing match. | ||
| The guy had taunted him for being gay. | ||
| Yeah, there's, you know, there's... | ||
| Yeah, there's... | ||
| You don't want to taunt gay buzzers. | ||
| Yeah, I'd beat the shit out of him, too. | ||
| Isn't that smart? | ||
| Somebody told me about a show in New York, I forget at what club, where one of the comics was making, I don't know, gay jokes, but doing just gay slurs, and I don't know what he was saying, and there was a big, jacked-up dude in the audience who just came on stage and just punched him twice, knocked him out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Can I tell you the good thing about comics is that we don't become serial killers or pedophiles. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there's some rapists. | ||
| What about that rapist that was the one guy who was the cruise liner guy who would go to colleges and shit and rape girls? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rapists, yes. | ||
| And ask them to pray for them. | ||
| He would rape them and ask them to pray for them. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, Emile Griffith was widely known as being a gay man, and he had a fight with this guy, Benny Paré, in 1962 for the Welterweight Championship. | ||
| And the guy had taunted him about being gay, and he beat him to death. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He beat that fucking guy to death. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But other than that, there's few and far between people who have been recognized as being gay. | ||
| That's what you get, man. | ||
| We tell the story on the podcast about this one guy who got caught in an MMA promotion. | ||
| Well, there is another guy who is an out guy who fights in MMA fights. | ||
| I forget his name right now. | ||
| It escapes me. | ||
| Shane, Shane Smith, I think. | ||
| But he's out. | ||
| They've done stories about him in the New York Times. | ||
| Shad Smith, that's his name. | ||
| And this other guy, they caught him because they researched his name, and they found out that another guy with the same name had done a bunch of gay porns, and then he just vanished. | ||
| He just disappeared and stopped fighting. | ||
| But other than that, no one's ever come out. | ||
| Would that be a big deal? | ||
| Except that Shad Smith character. | ||
| I mean, in 2011? | ||
| For a lot of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Do they tap in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| For a lot of people, it'd be a big deal. | ||
| Do they tap in? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Well, instead of tapping out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER Oh, Brian, you silly goose. | |
| And with that note... | ||
| Oh, I want to say thank you to Lorenzo from the Psychedelic Salon podcast. | ||
| I listen to a couple podcasts. | ||
| I listen to The Death Squad. | ||
| I listen to a bunch of different ones like Kevin Smith and Marc Maron and Adam Carole when I get a chance. | ||
| But really, I've been listening to, yeah, Your Mom's House and The Naughty Show and all these different ones. | ||
| But really, I've been listening to The Psychedelic Salon a lot lately. | ||
| So I want to thank this guy, Lorenzo, for putting that out. | ||
| And you could subscribe to that as well. | ||
| It's all free. | ||
| I think it's on iTunes. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it is. | ||
| But you can find it. | ||
| Go look for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it. | |
| Psychedelic Salon. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| And what it really is is a lot of really interesting talks with a lot of Terrence McKenna stuff. | ||
| And I listened to this really crazy Timothy Leary talk the other day. | ||
| Really interesting, interesting shit. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Can I tell you, fans, after Vancouver this weekend, December 1st through the 4th, I'll be in Calgary at the Laugh Shop. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| And December 15th through 18th, I'm really looking forward to the Laughing Skull in Atlanta, which is really fun. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And then Christine and I will both be for New Year's in Seattle at Parlor Live. | ||
| And December 14th through 17th, Crackers Comedy Club in Indianapolis. | ||
| Downtown, baby! | ||
| How often do you guys work together? | ||
| Seldom. | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| We try to. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| But it's so corny, the marketing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| You don't know how to do it yet. | ||
| You don't have to do it corny. | ||
| You're both funny. | ||
| You're both funny. | ||
| If I didn't think you were both funny, I would never say that you were both funny on the air. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| You guys are both hilarious. | ||
| You'd be awesome together. | ||
| It is fun. | ||
| It is fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do it. | |
| New Year's will be a blast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| You should market yourself. | ||
| It would make your marriage a lot easier. | ||
| You don't have to... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You could kiss each other. | ||
| You could fucking bang right before you go on stage. | ||
| You could just shoot one in there and just go right up on stage. | ||
| Send her up on stage dripping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about that? | |
| How about that? | ||
| I could put a baseball bat in my ass before I go up. | ||
| You should launch her onto the stage with your cough. | ||
| You know what I could do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a really good idea. | |
| And that's our hook. | ||
| I could put DMT and vodka on the tip of my dick. | ||
| And then you go up super high. | ||
| Wow, you guys. | ||
| Thank you to the Fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks for having us. | |
| In a free society, we would have a Fleshlight with DMT and vodka at the end of it. | ||
| But no, in this dirty little prison that we live in, where you're confined, you can't do what you really want to do! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This fucking government's holding me back, goddammit! | |
| Thank you to the Fleshlight. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan, get it in the mail, open it up, lube it up, and get your freak on. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, dude. | |
| Enter in your name and you get 15% off. | ||
| And thank you to Onnit.com. | ||
| Try out Alpha Brain and try out New Mood. | ||
| New Mood's the newest one. | ||
| And I'm fucking loving it. | ||
| And there's another one called Shroom Tech, which is for very athletic people that's based on the Cordyceps Mushroom. | ||
| It's an endurance enhancer that I've been enjoying as well. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Alpha Brain link, enter in the codename Rogan, you will save yourself 10%. | ||
| We are bitches. | ||
| Cause you know we love you. | ||
| Thank you to Tom Segura. | ||
| Please follow him on Twitter. | ||
| It's Tom S-E-G-U-R-A. And follow Christina Segura. | ||
| Even though she goes by this fucking P at the end of her name. | ||
| With some bunch of fucking random vowels and consonants jammed up together. | ||
| And some strange soup of words that no one can... | ||
| I bet you can't even spell your name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you spell your name? | |
| How often do you spell your name wrong? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never, not ever, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| At Christina P. At Christina P. And we'll be back. | ||
| Doug Benson's doing it tomorrow. | ||
| With Doug Benson tomorrow at 3 p.m. | ||
| And then, again, we will have a podcast and we will have a show at the Ice House on Thursday night. | ||
| So it'll be the same thing. | ||
| Podcast while the show's going on. | ||
| We're going to podcast before the show goes on. | ||
| 8 o'clock p.m. | ||
| At 8 o'clock we're going to start the podcast. | ||
| It's a party. | ||
| Okay, folks? | ||
| It's a fucking party and you're invited but you don't get to talk. | ||
| I'm sorry you can't talk too. | ||
| I'm sorry you can't talk too. | ||
| But I'm happy that you're enjoying it. | ||
| And we love you guys and we'll talk to you soon. |
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