Nov. 7, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:15:44
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Do you have any sugar over there? | ||
| No sugar. | ||
| We have a thing called Stevia. | ||
| It's like a natural. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is it, Ron? | |
| Hey, Ron. | ||
| We're on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's right over there, fella. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight. | ||
| My boy Sam Tripoli got his first Fleshlight today and he is muy exited, though. | ||
| It's like Christmas up in here. | ||
| It is like, Chris. | ||
| Don't put too much of that stuff in. | ||
| Yeah, it's very strong. | ||
| It's not sugar. | ||
| It's super healthy, though, man. | ||
| Super healthy. | ||
| Sam Tripoli, first Fleshlight ever. | ||
| Today, we'll be christening it. | ||
| Folks, you know, it's a silly product, and people go, well, why do you have the Fleshlight sponsoring your podcast? | ||
| Like, what's up with that? | ||
| Like, it's kind of like... | ||
| Why wouldn't you? | ||
| Well, because I think people think that there's something silly and there's something where people are not going to take you seriously. | ||
| You know, you're admitting to fucking some fake vagina, you know? | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I do shows and I have like a sex toy company named Fun Factory does my live shows with me and they have the Cadillacs of fucking vibrators and girls go crazy over that shit. | ||
| You ever give away a vibrator? | ||
| Girls are allowed to get vibrators. | ||
| Dudes are not allowed. | ||
| What did guys have before? | ||
| Like something that smelled like a raft that you pop. | ||
| Yeah, those things were useless. | ||
| When Fleshlight came along, there was nothing else. | ||
| It's fucking good, dude. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I have used it several times. | ||
| It's way better than beating off. | ||
| And that's like a weird thing to admit. | ||
| People don't want to admit that they masturbate. | ||
| My name is Joe Rogan, and I masturbate. | ||
| So this podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight because it's a fucking solid product, man. | ||
| All right? | ||
| Forget about all the... | ||
| What? | ||
| When I first moved out here, I didn't masturbate or talk about masturbation to anybody. | ||
| You were the first person to... | ||
| Yeah, but you're from Ohio. | ||
| You're the first person that I would remember you were always talking about it. | ||
| I'm like, I should talk about it. | ||
| And I remember I started talking about masturbating and then now it's just like I do it every day. | ||
| There are definitely some suppressed people out there. | ||
| In Ohio? | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| How about everywhere, man? | ||
| All over the country. | ||
| You're just hanging out with comedians now. | ||
| Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight, that was an extended commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was. | |
| That was great. | ||
| Because I've taken shit about this product. | ||
| People think it's ridiculous. | ||
| I used it the other day. | ||
| It's a good product, goddammit. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| I think, you know, people are like, well, some people are not going to want to associate with you because you're associated with the fleshlight. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| I don't want to even walk around eggshells. | ||
| Who knows, bro? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| They're out there, and they're the people that want to stop Occupy Wall Street. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Sam Tripoli is also going to get some alpha brain today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I'm very excited about this. | ||
| We're also sponsored by AlphaBrain. | ||
| If you go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We have a bunch of products now. | ||
| We have AlphaBrain, and then we have this new Mood. | ||
| A new Mood is a 5-HTP supplement, which I found out about that shit from Neil Brennan. | ||
| But there's a bunch of different things that you can do. | ||
| They're called nootropics to tweak your mind. | ||
| And this alpha brain thing has not been without controversy, I have to be honest. | ||
| There's people who love it, and there's people who say it's a placebo, it doesn't do shit. | ||
| I mean, people have been taking these particular nutrients like choline and a bunch of different other ones. | ||
| They're referred to as nootropics. | ||
| They've been taking them for thousands of years. | ||
| And the idea behind it is that it just makes you think a little clearer. | ||
| It's not this fucking Bradley Cooper limitless shit. | ||
| It's not going to make you smart if you're dumb, but I like the way it affects me. | ||
| I take two every morning with water. | ||
| And I believe in it. | ||
| And, you know, there's a lot of controversy about it, though. | ||
| There's controversy about the science behind it, and we are doing the best to clear up all that stuff. | ||
| I'm going to release a new document tonight. | ||
| I think it might already be up there on it for people who are concerned about the amount of L-dopa in it from a bean, the velvet bean, actually. | ||
| It's an extract, a food extract. | ||
| The idea behind all this is that I think the body works better when it's supplemented with nutrients, with a lot of nutrients. | ||
| I think you work better when you take fish oil, There's a lot of controversy behind that. | ||
| I think your body works better. | ||
| I know my joints work better when I take fish oil, for sure. | ||
| No question about it, because I do a lot of really hard training. | ||
| I do jujitsu and lift weights. | ||
| And when I don't take fish oil, I notice a difference in how my joints feel. | ||
| Well, you're fine-tuned. | ||
| You have a fine-tuned instrument. | ||
| And I take vitamins. | ||
| I take multivitamins. | ||
| I take a colloidal mineral drink every day. | ||
| I do a lot of different... | ||
| I drink a lot of fresh-squeezed juices. | ||
| I'm very concerned with keeping my body running at a good place. | ||
| You know, keeping my body running healthy and well-fulfilled. | ||
| I always want to make sure I got the right shit in it. | ||
| And when I take this stuff, when I take this Alphabene, I can definitely notice a difference. | ||
| I don't know if everybody can. | ||
| Maybe some people are just negative. | ||
| Maybe some people's bodies are just different. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| The variations are people love it. | ||
| Mayhem Miller is fucking in love with this stuff. | ||
| Do you think it's people that are just not fine-tuned to themselves? | ||
| It could be. | ||
| I never would have thought of that. | ||
| There's another product that we're selling that took me a while to be sold on. | ||
| It's based on the Cordyceps Mushroom. | ||
| It's called Shroom Tech. | ||
| And the cordyceps mushroom is a mushroom that enhances your body's ability to utilize oxygen. | ||
| Olympic athletes in China used it and won a bunch of medals. | ||
| And this mushroom, we've known for many, many hundreds of years that people in Tibet and people in high altitudes will eat certain roots and certain plants to make them feel better. | ||
| Like, you know, in the Andes, where... | ||
| In Peru, rather, they chew cocoa leaves, you know, because they're like way up high in the mountains. | ||
| And, you know, they figured out, well, what's the best nutrient to help us up here? | ||
| Well, it turns out it's fucking cocaine. | ||
| Well, that makes sense. | ||
| Eating the cocoa leaves, yeah. | ||
| But people have been taking these extracts, you know, like velvet bean, especially one of the ingredients in alpha brain, they've been taking it for thousands of years. | ||
| And if you think it's too expensive, I totally understand. | ||
| We use the best ingredients available, and it's not cheap. | ||
| So, what I would suggest you do is go to the website. | ||
| If you're interested in nootropics, first of all, just read up on them. | ||
| The internet is amazing, right? | ||
| Just enter in the word nootropic, N-O-O-tropic, and, you know, you can find out so much information about all the different compounds and different ones that people offer, not just Alphabrain. | ||
| There's a bunch of them on the market. | ||
| And there's a bunch of different individual ingredients that you can get. | ||
| If you want to try the specific formula that's in AlphaBrain, we list on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, the exact ingredients. | ||
| So please, just buy it in bulk. | ||
| If it's a budget issue, buy it in bulk and try it. | ||
| And mix it up. | ||
| Find out what's good for you. | ||
| Find out about other things. | ||
| Find out about some of the other nutrients that are available that enhance cognitive function. | ||
| Just fuck around with it. | ||
| If you like to. | ||
| If you don't like to, not offended. | ||
| But it is a sponsor of the podcast. | ||
| And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 10% off. | ||
| A hotly debated issue, Sam Tripoli. | ||
| A lot of people have been giving me a hard time about this. | ||
| You are the 50 cents of podcasts. | ||
| You are pushing product. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I am pushing the product. | ||
| But it's only products that I believe in. | ||
| I think the Fleshlight is awesome to fuck. | ||
| Period. | ||
| I hope that becomes your like vitamin water where you sell it and you got a piece and it's like worth it. | ||
| I wish I had a piece of the fleshlight, but they were already huge before I came along. | ||
| But I have a piece of alpha brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| Boom. | ||
| But listen, if I didn't, I wouldn't say, I mean, if I didn't have a piece in it, I wouldn't say anything different than what I'm saying now. | ||
| This is something I believe in. | ||
| I might say it less because I'm not trying to sell it. | ||
| But I would say the truth. | ||
| And if I didn't believe in it, I wouldn't be selling it. | ||
| Period. | ||
| So think what you want. | ||
| Try what you like. | ||
| Don't be mean on the internet, though. | ||
| We're not trying to rip any money off. | ||
| Yeah, I hate to troll it, man. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| If at any time after you take it, you're not satisfied, I don't know how many days it is. | ||
| For AlphaBrain. | ||
| What is it, like 30 days or something like that? | ||
| 15 days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Whatever it is, it gives you a couple weeks to take it. | ||
| And you will feel some sort of an effect fairly quick. | ||
| How many days you gotta take it? | ||
| To feel an effect? | ||
| Right away. | ||
| It took me about two weeks, honestly. | ||
| To feel an effect? | ||
| Yeah, to feel an effect. | ||
| For a while, I was trying to figure it out. | ||
| Your body's so out of whack, dude, with cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It wasn't that immediate. | ||
| It's like taking a condemned house and throwing a new rug down on it. | ||
| And being like, why don't I look better? | ||
| It takes a lot of time. | ||
| I want you to take the test and let me know if you're the same as me. | ||
| It took me about two weeks to figure it out. | ||
| Look at our guts. | ||
| We have the same problems here, brother. | ||
| We kiss alike. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't smoke cigarettes, but we got the same problems. | ||
| So I'm sure we'll take a little time. | ||
| You want to start the show? | ||
| You would start this motherfucker off. | ||
| Sam Tripoli's in the house. | ||
| Live and proud. | ||
| I felt like I was on TED Talk for a second. | ||
| What we did was we just pushed products. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Easily one of the greatest moments of my young life. | ||
| How'd that feel? | ||
| That was fucking awesome! | ||
| I didn't know I was going to say that when Nick Diaz said that. | ||
| That was so cool. | ||
| I was in my glories, dude. | ||
| I was in my glories. | ||
| I was like, oh, this is fucking the most awesome shit ever. | ||
| That could be better than if he said, hey, I'm so excited about fucking your TV show coming back. | ||
| This is even better. | ||
| No, that's nothing. | ||
| The podcast is way better. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| What are you doing over there, Brian? | ||
| Are you going to sniff things again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why I just smell that. | |
| Fucking weirdo. | ||
| I just fucking smelled it for some reason. | ||
| Don't smell my pocket pussy. | ||
| I wonder what Brian's going to be like when he's like 60. Do you think he's going to have the same childish sense of humor? | ||
| I honestly did not realize I did that. | ||
| You didn't realize you sniffed it? | ||
| No, I have no idea why I just did that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know why? | |
| Because you tell so many people to sniff yours at home. | ||
| No, I think it's just with new things. | ||
| I like smelling new things. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| I smell things. | ||
| I get a new laptop or a video game system. | ||
| We take off that styrofoam and go... | ||
| I ate lobster last night, and they give you the little bib thing, and you gotta put it on. | ||
| You know, it seems ridiculous, but my little daughter wanted me to put it on, and I decided to smell it. | ||
| And the bib smelled gross. | ||
| It's plastic, right? | ||
| Yeah, but like a weird plastic smell. | ||
| Not like the McDonald bibs or whatever? | ||
| Your kid likes lobster? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't think at that age I would ever go near lobster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, because it's a kid. | ||
| It looks like a monster. | ||
| They eat octopus. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They eat octopus. | ||
| Doesn't your one like... | ||
| Oh, my daughters. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Octopuses? | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| Where's that video? | ||
| I was like, is that even fucking possible? | ||
| There's a fucking... | ||
| There's a group of people, believe it or not, called the Lobster Liberation Group. | ||
| And these motherfuckers, they go out and they break into markets and restaurants and they take the lobsters out and they release them in the wild. | ||
| Could you fucking imagine how dumb you have to be to risk your freedom? | ||
| Because you will go to jail for this. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or... | |
| For a bunch of soulless fucking bugs. | ||
| Or how cushy cushy your life must be that that's the problem that you want to solve in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Of all the problems, your credit cards must be paid off, your credit must be great, you must be on some kind of salary from your parents, that you want to go save little creatures from... | ||
| Water. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, and the little creatures that don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| Not only do they not give a fuck about you, they're too stupid to feel pain. | ||
| But what about the PETA thing about the killer whale where they're like people? | ||
| That's what they wanted to say, that they should have the right to people. | ||
| Killer whales are a completely different animal. | ||
| Now you're talking about something where I probably agree with them. | ||
| I think what's going on with killer whales is killer whales are a super intelligent life form that we can't understand. | ||
| And because we can't understand, I'm like... | ||
| What? | ||
| I can't hear you. | ||
| Get in the fucking cage. | ||
| They don't like going in cages. | ||
| They don't like being in those ponds. | ||
| They want to be in the goddamn ocean. | ||
| And they're really attached to their families. | ||
| And they steal them. | ||
| They steal them from their fucking mothers when they're babies, man. | ||
| It's really the most evil shit ever. | ||
| You know, dolphin training and orca training. | ||
| It might look cool because they're jumping up to get their fish. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| They have to jump up to get their fish. | ||
| You don't know how depressed they are. | ||
| You don't know how fucked it must be to live that kind of a life. | ||
| It's like us getting abducted by aliens... | ||
| And they put us in a really small apartment complex with a pool. | ||
| And we all kind of hang out at the pool. | ||
| And that's exactly what it's like for these dolphins. | ||
| They have this forced social world, and they can never have freedom. | ||
| They can never be free. | ||
| In that sense, I think a dolphin sea world is never over. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| It's for life? | ||
| Yeah, that's fucked up. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| I was thinking the other day about how I just got a dog. | ||
| You know, it's my first responsibility in a long time. | ||
| And I just watch this dog and all it does is, I'm basically, it's like Kathy Griffin's assistant. | ||
| I just get ran by this dog constantly. | ||
| And all she does is eat, poop, and eat herself out. | ||
| That's pretty much all my dog does. | ||
| She eats herself out all day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day! | |
| How old is this dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little under, about a year, a little over a year. | |
| And I'm like, if aliens come and make us pets, is this what I'm going to be able to do? | ||
| Because that's not so bad. | ||
| I could just eat and then suck myself off. | ||
| That's ridiculous, Sam. | ||
| First of all, you can't suck your own dick. | ||
| I could try. | ||
| Second of all, really? | ||
| You don't want to have the freedom to go as you choose? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| So the number one thing that would drive you the most crazy is to know that your existence is defined by four walls forever. | ||
| For a person, that's maddening. | ||
| A person wants to experience new things. | ||
| It's a natural thing. | ||
| Check out new movies. | ||
| Go down to a new restaurant. | ||
| Go drive through a new neighborhood. | ||
| It's part of what we are. | ||
| We like to explore things. | ||
| We're curious. | ||
| You tell a person that this is all you're going to see. | ||
| This is the only input you're going to get forever. | ||
| They'll go fucking crazy. | ||
| They will go crazy. | ||
| That's what we're doing to those dolphins. | ||
| That's what we're doing to those orcas. | ||
| We just assume that because they can't alter their environment that they can't be as intelligent as us. | ||
| But they could be. | ||
| As a matter of fact, the cerebral cortex of an orca is like 40% larger than that of a human being. | ||
| So we don't know. | ||
| We don't know if that's because it has to manipulate this really super large body. | ||
| Because we do know that Neanderthals were dumber than people, but they had bigger brains. | ||
| So it might have been just because Neanderthals had basically superhero bodies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they were like, a Neanderthal was like 5'3", 200 fucking pounds of solid muscle with this crazy bone structure like a chimp. | ||
| But you don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe, you know, I mean, they could be as smart because they were starting from less. | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, we're farther along in the past, so we're dealing with more complex shit. | ||
| But you had to start at the simplest thought. | ||
| And then build on that over time. | ||
| You may have just had the same kind of ability to think, but you have to start at nothing and build at something. | ||
| Do you understand what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, they don't quite know whether or not Neanderthals were making tools before they learned them from Homo sapiens either. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| I think there's a lot of debate on that. | ||
| I think they think that the Homo sapiens just fucking basically wiped them out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We were just too clever. | ||
| But that might be wrong. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Maybe they were smart too. | ||
| What if all their cell phones just disintegrated from that long ago? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| What if their heads were that big because they were looking on their screens so much and the internet made their heads bigger and then they all got wiped out and died? | ||
| Do you really think that there could have possibly been an internet at some point in the past? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think so? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| How many thousands of years ago do you think it would have to have been? | ||
| Like six. | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I mean, but based on what... | ||
| The only problem with saying six is because... | ||
| 30,000 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, so you've got to go way back, because six we know. | ||
| We go to six and we know, like, they know that Sumerian text, they know they wrote in cuneiform, it's just weird, it looks like little, like, nails. | ||
| You know, like old nails? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You ever see how an old nail's not like a straight line with a flat top on it? | ||
| But it's almost like the whole piece is like, you know, angled. | ||
| And that's what their writing looked like. | ||
| It looked like old nails, like sideways and upside down. | ||
| Really weird, fucking crazy language when you think about it. | ||
| Because it was all basically... | ||
| Most of the same characters just reused in some weird order that they understood and they had come to agree on. | ||
| And so we had to sort of decipher that because it's a dead language. | ||
| We don't even know what it sounds like. | ||
| No one talks it. | ||
| So they know what the Sumerians wrote, although it's a lot of it as Under debate because there's a guy named Zechariah Sitchin. | ||
| You probably heard about him. | ||
| I wouldn't trust anyone named Zechariah ever. | ||
| He was a bad motherfucker, but he was a believer. | ||
| And he believed that the Sumerian text was all about the Anunnaki, which is an alien race from another planet that came down here that is in elliptical orbit, this planet, every 3,600 years. | ||
| And that they came down here to get humans, and they created us from lower hominids by adding their DNA. This is all supposedly in the Sumerian text. | ||
| I don't have... | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| When they talk about angels, you never know, man. | ||
| There could be some crazy shit coming down. | ||
| You know what I think a lot of it probably is? | ||
| What Brian is saying. | ||
| A lot of it probably is 30,000 years ago. | ||
| Not six, but 30,000 years ago. | ||
| There was like a super fucking advanced civilization. | ||
| They'd reached the heights that we've reached. | ||
| And what happened? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Someone came and hit the reset? | ||
| I think they're way past us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They invented something that's still with us that we just don't know about yet. | ||
| They invented air that could heal and send information or something like that. | ||
| And it's already there. | ||
| We just haven't tuned into it yet. | ||
| Yeah, we haven't tuned into it. | ||
| And once we figure out a machine. | ||
| I believe in that. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like the internet. | ||
| It's like the version of the internet now. | ||
| Look, you could never have explained the internet to somebody 50 years ago. | ||
| No way! | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| You ever look at the old videos when they tried to explain computers, like in the 80s? | ||
| Like Sesame Street? | ||
| What was the thing that they used to use back in the Wild West days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| Morse code? | ||
| Isn't that what they used back in the Wild West days? | ||
| No, it was called... | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| It wasn't called Morse Code. | ||
| You could troll someone so easy on Morse Code. | ||
| They'd have no idea it was you. | ||
| You know, it's not like Facebook. | ||
| Let me see your picture. | ||
| Take a picture right now of you and put it on your Facebook. | ||
| This is what I want you to do. | ||
| I want you to have red, white, and blue socks on. | ||
| Old people talk more. | ||
| Imagine back then telling people that you're going to be able to watch people fuck on your phone. | ||
| See my phone? | ||
| I can watch people fuck on this. | ||
| It would be mind-blowing. | ||
| You can watch people fuck on it. | ||
| It streams in perfect time. | ||
| I can't imagine what it's going to be in 10 years, in 20 years. | ||
| There's people that have a real scientifically based theory that the entire world that we live in is like a computer simulation. | ||
| And there's like, you know, when they start getting into quantum theory, and you know, I don't understand quantum physics. | ||
| And Richard Feynman said it best. | ||
| He said, if you think you understand quantum physics, you don't understand quantum physics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because even like the scientists don't really, they're, it's still like a what? | ||
| It just violates all these laws. | ||
| Like there's things like a particle being in superposition, where it's moving and still at the same time. | ||
| And they can appear in more than one place at the same time and disappear. | ||
| And they literally... | ||
| The particles disappear. | ||
| We don't know where the fuck they go. | ||
| They go away and then they come back. | ||
| And on top of that, particles seem to be interacting with each other no matter how long the distance is between them. | ||
| They seem to be able to automatically, like instantaneously interact with each other. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So they can interact quicker than the speed of light, apparently. | ||
| I can't even talk about it because I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying. | ||
| To me, what I'm saying is like, if you taught me how to say something in French, but I don't know what it means, and if you're like, je ne sais quoi, monsieur? | ||
| And then I just repeat the noises, but I don't know what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I'm saying right now when I'm talking about this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know it's there, but you're not quite sure what you're saying. | ||
| But the bottom line is it's so strange and so bizarre and so not something you can bang on. | ||
| So not what we're used to in this world that really literally anything is possible. | ||
| This may very well be a computer simulation. | ||
| Well, going back to that computer simulation thing, that scene in The Matrix is kind of what that's about. | ||
| Do you know where Neo meets the creator? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he talks about how he's the 8th one or the 11th one, and he's reacting different than all the other ones. | ||
| That's kind of what that's about. | ||
| And that no matter what happens, people react the same way. | ||
| To stimulus. | ||
| And you hear that a lot about when they talk about, you know, the Illuminati or whatever, when they're trying to, they do certain things to see how people will react over time so that when they want to cause something to happen, they know the exact reaction of what people will make. | ||
| When they crash the economy, they want to see how people react to all that stuff. | ||
| And that was the scene in The Matrix where he's like, you're reacting different than the last seven guys have. | ||
| Because no matter what happens, people are going to do the same thing. | ||
| We act like we're different, and that's the whole thing from... | ||
| You're talking like you're stoned. | ||
| You're not even stoned. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| That's what that's... | ||
| Do you know what he's saying? | ||
| Yeah, that's that scene though. | ||
| Do you understand what he's saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's just... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't understand what I'm saying? | ||
| I'm not making sense. | ||
| You connected a couple of things together that I'm baffled by. | ||
| No, the scene in The Matrix. | ||
| I think I might be on the wrong scene. | ||
| Explain to me the scene. | ||
| There's a scene where he walks in. | ||
| This is the first Matrix? | ||
| No, this is like the second or third possibly. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| I cut off after the first. | ||
| No, you have to go back and watch those movies. | ||
| No, you do not. | ||
| Without the emotions, it's so much better. | ||
| Without the emotions of, this is going to be great, this is going to be the greatest movie ever, you put too much into it. | ||
| And then you're like, it doesn't live up to your expectations. | ||
| But without those expectations, it's actually a great movie. | ||
| It's a Cinemax movie. | ||
| Here's what it is, buddy. | ||
| There was one really good movie, and then the next one sucked. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I like the first and second one. | ||
| I thought the third one was okay. | ||
| Just that one scene was okay. | ||
| Maybe I need to go back and watch them again. | ||
| So what are you saying? | ||
| So Neo walks into this room and he meets the creator of the Matrix. | ||
| And the guy says that based upon Neo's reaction to what he's saying is that he's different than the rest. | ||
| And basically what he's saying is that The human beings, they keep resetting everything because they keep getting free will, they keep fighting back against the Matrix, so they reset everything, and everyone reacts the same way. | ||
| So they reset it and it becomes another computer program. | ||
| Yes, and he's acting different than all the past ones. | ||
| His emotions are different, so that's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| And then I've read books about how these guys, the Illuminati or whatever you want to call them, who supposedly run the country and they opened the Federal Reserve and stuff like that. | ||
| They opened the Federal Reserve? | ||
| Or they created the Federal Reserve. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| That's like when I was listening to Magic Johnson today, and they were replaying his whole speech about catching the HIV, and he used the wrong words instead of contracted. | ||
| He says, I sat on a penis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, oh, a speech maker must have gotten pissed right there. | |
| But back to what I was saying, they do certain things where they just see what the reaction of people will be over time. | ||
| So you should see that movie multiple times, so every time you see it, you get some emotion to it and become a different person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wouldn't that be fun? | |
| What a mindfucker would be if you went to a movie and maybe the glitch in the computer program was that when you went to see the movie the second time, there was a scene in it that wasn't there the first time. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| And you see it and you're like, wait a minute, what? | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| No, the movie ends, but it's different. | ||
| And it's a mindfuck because you're like, god damn, I don't remember that. | ||
| And the people on the other end are like, shit, I don't think that fucking scene was in the other movie. | ||
| I don't think we showed them that. | ||
| I think we showed them the first version of it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| So this poor guy has got to wander through, trying to figure out if he's going insane. | ||
| Imagine if that's what insane people are. | ||
| It's like their program, their program, the one that they're living in, has a crazy glitch in it. | ||
| It's just some glitch. | ||
| So they're just wandering around. | ||
| They're all fucked up and homeless and shit. | ||
| They're trying to explain fucking things. | ||
| Did you see that video that everyone's got on Reddit and they're going after this kid in Chicago because he punched this old homeless man in the head and knocked him out on video? | ||
| Yeah, and then they were laughing about it. | ||
| Did you see this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole internet's going after this kid because it's one of the cruelest, nastiest, meanest fucking things I've ever seen someone do to an old man who's a homeless guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he's broke and he's asking people for change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How young was this kid? | |
| 17, 18 maybe. | ||
| He looks like a kid. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He could be 20. He looks like a kid. | ||
| And they're all standing there. | ||
| And this poor guy is old and rickety and barely walk. | ||
| And the gates to the train open. | ||
| The doors to the train open. | ||
| And he says something to the old man. | ||
| Like, you want some change? | ||
| Bow! | ||
| And hits him full blast on the chin. | ||
| The old man goes backwards and bounces his fucking head off the cement. | ||
| Easily could be dead. | ||
| Easily could be dead. | ||
| You know, people die like that. | ||
| I had a friend who was working in a bar and one of the bouncers punched someone that lightly, same thing, fell back on his head dead. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| You're getting hit by the fucking world. | ||
| Think about what's happening. | ||
| The world, the concrete behind the world is hitting you in the head. | ||
| That's really what it's like. | ||
| I mean, that's an amazing amount of blunt force to your fucking skull. | ||
| Yeah, just sudden stop. | ||
| And this kid just started laughing, and they hopped on the train and drove away, and they were all laughing about it. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| He was like, bah! | ||
| They're just laughing and laughing and laughing. | ||
| The most heartless... | ||
| It was so disheartening, man, that someone could be like that. | ||
| That someone could want to do that to someone for no fucking reason whatsoever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if you're 15 or 16. You want to do that, man? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You know, I think it goes back to this whole thing that sometimes people don't get the discipline when they're young and sometimes that's like spanking or stuff like that where they don't realize the pain that comes with getting hit. | ||
| You know, it's almost like Bill Burr's bit about how like chicks mess with people because no one's ever popped them before. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I play video games and porn. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's just like they don't get it. | ||
| I've always said that about women. | ||
| I've been with women where women want to start fights and they'll say, fuck you, and you fucking shut your fucking mouth. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Why are you with me and you're yelling at a dude? | ||
| Stop this right now. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to beat that guy's ass? | ||
| No, you're going to get me shot. | ||
| That's what you're going to do, stupid. | ||
| This is craziness. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I saw a video like the one you're describing. | ||
| It was on television. | ||
| I don't know what the show was, but they were showing it. | ||
| It was this really old guy. | ||
| He's about 75. His car's right next to this group of kids talking. | ||
| And he goes to his car. | ||
| He's trying to get in. | ||
| This other kid comes up and just starts wailing on this old man, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom. | |
| All the other people are just standing there watching. | ||
| The guy gets in his car, drives off, and the guy's just laying down. | ||
| All of his friends, all the guys who were watching just walk off. | ||
| A stranger has to come up and help him. | ||
| So what's the motivation behind this? | ||
| Just no motivation? | ||
| Just stealing his car. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's like it's old people, man. | ||
| It's a free shot. | ||
| It's a free shot at people that feel like they have no friends and they have no one who loves them and no one gives a fuck about them and they'll just take a free shot at some old person, man. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's a dark, dark, dark part of human nature, man. | ||
| The need to pick on people. | ||
| The need to fuck with people. | ||
| You know, and that's something that we really have to teach out to kids, man. | ||
| You know, the bullying in schools has gotten worse and worse, man. | ||
| It's, you know, people are bullying people and then taking the pictures and putting them online. | ||
| You know, I saw this picture of this girl. | ||
| She blacked out at a party. | ||
| She got drunk. | ||
| She says, dude, shit on her face. | ||
| Shit on her face. | ||
| Took pictures of it and then put it online. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| And she's this cute little cheerleader. | ||
| You know, it's really horrible. | ||
| It's funny, too. | ||
| It is funny. | ||
| But it's horrible. | ||
| And that's someone's daughter, man. | ||
| That's someone's little baby. | ||
| And they affect her for the rest of her life. | ||
| Shit on her face. | ||
| Because someone recognized her. | ||
| Are you the girl who got shit on the face? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And I can laugh at it, but it's like... | ||
| She had a piece of shit on her mouth. | ||
| This guy's shit on her mouth. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Is there no one there going, what are you doing, dude? | ||
| Yeah, that's not that funny. | ||
| You don't do that to a chick. | ||
| If it was a dude, it would be way funnier. | ||
| But doing it to a cute little girl, it's like, come on, man. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| She's just a little girl. | ||
| Yeah, and she's a little girl. | ||
| She's drinking. | ||
| It's like, why are you shitting on her? | ||
| Where's her boyfriend? | ||
| She didn't have a boyfriend. | ||
| She didn't have a boyfriend, I guess. | ||
| They were drinking, you know? | ||
| Shit gets crazy. | ||
| Especially when you're 17, 18, whatever the hell she is. | ||
| You don't know what the hell you're doing. | ||
| But I have this thing with the bullies, too, man. | ||
| It's just like, I understand the whole move to stop bullying, and it's true. | ||
| But I have this thing where you've got to understand that some of these bullies also really hurt children, and they come from bad situations. | ||
| So it's like, I'm not saying, hey, let's not stop bullying. | ||
| I hate when adults put their issues on children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And because a lot of these adults got bullied in high school, they want to go back and clean it up. | ||
| But you've got to understand that these kids have social issues and mental issues too. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| You don't want to tag them with some kind of police record that's going to screw the rest of their life up. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to protect the other students. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You have to protect the other students and you've got to figure out. | ||
| The real issue is parents that do a terrible job of raising kids are never penalized for it. | ||
| You know, you never get in trouble. | ||
| You know, you can do a terrible job of driving your car and you can get tickets. | ||
| You know, nothing happens when you raise a shit kid. | ||
| Your kid could be a goddamn serial killer. | ||
| My dog guts out and bites someone. | ||
| I get sued. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| I'm gonna go to jail. | ||
| I got a bad dog. | ||
| But if you have a kid and your kid goes out and kills somebody, you're not even somehow responsible for it. | ||
| Didn't they try to do that for a little while? | ||
| Like, there was this big backlash against... | ||
| When was this? | ||
| There was something where, like, this one area, and I want to say Chicago, but I'm not 100% sure, that they were going to try to do something where parents were going to be held accountable for their children's actions. | ||
| Doesn't surprise me. | ||
| You kind of should be, in some way, you know? | ||
| I mean, not entirely, maybe. | ||
| Look, you never know what happens once the kid leaves the nest. | ||
| And what if the kid has a predilection for addiction? | ||
| What if the kid has got that wacky gene that can't drink cough syrup or fucking goes on a bender? | ||
| And that is a real gene, man. | ||
| I think you and I have both seen it. | ||
| In the comedy world especially, we know a lot of wacky people that can't smoke a joint, can't have a drink, can't do it. | ||
| Can't do it! | ||
| I don't care what you say. | ||
| Everyone's different, man. | ||
| I have my own problems with that stuff. | ||
| It's like in my family, they have different forms of it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Everyone's got their own kind of little vice. | ||
| I have my vice, too. | ||
| I'm an all-or-nothing type of guy. | ||
| Well, I have a very similar personality, but it's not with substances, luckily. | ||
| I take time off of weed all the time. | ||
| I'll take a couple weeks off. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| I never feel the need to drink. | ||
| Coffee is the only thing that I've ever been convinced that I was addicted to because I took off once when I was writing. | ||
| I was writing right before I did my last special. | ||
| I was, for every day, for 30 days, I was writing a blog. | ||
| Because I think there's something about writing every day that really keeps your mind real sharp. | ||
| It's great for performing. | ||
| It seems weird, but writing all the time is great for performing. | ||
| So I was drinking a lot of coffee, man, and then I tried to not have coffee once I was done, and ooh, did I get a headache. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| And I felt like shit. | ||
| I felt really sluggish. | ||
| And I was like, oh, great, I'm addicted to caffeine. | ||
| So I've done it a couple of times where I've gotten off of caffeine, and every time I've done it, I have this weird, like, ugh, for a couple of days. | ||
| I have a rule. | ||
| I don't drink caffeine after a certain time. | ||
| Unless I have to perform and I'm really sluggish. | ||
| But after 8 o'clock, I try to cut it off. | ||
| Because then I can't sleep at night. | ||
| And I'm twitching and I'm waking up in the middle of it. | ||
| And to get a good night's sleep, I stop drinking coffee after because I'm addicted. | ||
| I have a bunch of different things that I do to get ready for shows, but the number one best one for sure is warm your body up. | ||
| I do a lot of stretching. | ||
| Stretching is big because when you stretch, like you really fucking stretch, you release tension and you feel better. | ||
| You feel easier. | ||
| Your tension builds up in you. | ||
| So before a show, I warm up and I stretch, and I learn this new breathing stuff from Steve Maxwell. | ||
| He's this fitness trainer, world-renowned, really high-level fitness trainer. | ||
| He's got degrees in it. | ||
| He's also a black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| He's a world-famous kettlebell instructor, a really cool guy, but he's basically a guy who's lived his whole life with a passion for fitness, so he's always constantly gathering information, and one of the things he's been concentrating on is breathing techniques. | ||
| He's been concentrated on this pranayama and all this yogic breathing. | ||
| And so we did a bunch of these crazy breathing exercises. | ||
| Like, God damn! | ||
| I thought breathing was just bullshit. | ||
| I thought it was like, breathe through your mouth, breathe through your nose. | ||
| I thought it was just something where you're not being tough enough. | ||
| Suck it up, pussy. | ||
| Stop worrying about how you're breathing. | ||
| Let's go, let's go. | ||
| Do another lap. | ||
| That's what I always thought breathing was. | ||
| But what it is is a much more rapid way of recovery, this pranayamic breathing, and that you can actually control your breath When you become like a yoga guy, like a yogi, like one of those high-level guys, they actually can control their breath and control their heart rate. | ||
| They can calm themselves down when they're in periods of stress. | ||
| So I started doing these breathing exercises. | ||
| It's fascinating shit. | ||
| So that along with stretching, that's the best. | ||
| And then a shot. | ||
| When I get older, man, and I'm not working out, man, my breathing goes to shit, like when I'm trying to run and stuff like that. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| When you get older, man, and you don't work out, rigor mortis starts setting in. | ||
| That's what you're fighting. | ||
| Even though you're still alive, you're fighting rigor mortis setting in, and breathing is a big part of that, man. | ||
| Well, this Maxwell guy is 59 years old. | ||
| He's in incredible shape, dude. | ||
| I mean, he does shit that I can't do. | ||
| He shows me some things and I can't fucking do them. | ||
| And he's 59 years old. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Super healthy. | ||
| Just every day. | ||
| Super shredded. | ||
| Make sure you train every day. | ||
| He trains every day. | ||
| And when you do that, man, you force your body to work every day. | ||
| Your body just keeps flowing that blood through there. | ||
| Keeps building it up. | ||
| And then you have this better reserve of energy. | ||
| You feel better. | ||
| When I see dudes slowly let it slip away and the gut grows. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's why I brought you on this podcast, Sam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this an intervention? | |
| Is this a fat intervention? | ||
| As soon as we leave here, we're going to go straight to the gym. | ||
| We're going to do rounds in the bag. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| But yeah, even going back to your writing thing, I tell young comedians, always be writing. | ||
| It's a muscle. | ||
| It also reinforces the fact that you're a professional. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That you have work to do. | ||
| There's a lot of comics who like to feel like they're just fuck-offs and they just like to just go on stage and try to remember what their jokes are and don't write anything down. | ||
| You can do that. | ||
| Chuckle junkies. | ||
| They're very nervous about not getting the laugh. | ||
| They're afraid of that. | ||
| They're afraid of that silence. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Sometimes I just don't mind the silence. | ||
| And then sometimes what I like to do now, if I run into a really shitty crowd, I like to go on my iPod and I get pocket sitcom and I add my own laughter to the crowd because sometimes I don't like the crowd and I'd rather have my own laughs going. | ||
| So I'll do this into the crowd or something like that. | ||
| I'll just go into the microphone. | ||
| And just enjoy my own laughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do that for real? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, this is an internet meme. | ||
| And have you ever seen those where it says, you're doing it wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So that's what I do now. | ||
| Well, that's ridiculous, Sam. | ||
| Well, sometimes the crowd's just staring at me, and I just don't feel like... | ||
| The deal is, you've got to get your own crowds. | ||
| That's when the world changes. | ||
| It's real hard to... | ||
| When you show up at the store on a Tuesday night, that's why everybody likes doing that. | ||
| The reason why people like to stop in in places is because until you become really super famous, where every crowd is your crowd, like Chris Rock or something like that, When you just stop in, then you get sort of a slice of people that they're not as inclined to laugh at you. | ||
| They're not super psyched to have seen you. | ||
| Like, oh my god, we're going to go see Damon Wayans. | ||
| We're so pumped up. | ||
| Big difference between that and then sitting in the audience. | ||
| Oh, Damon Wayans is here. | ||
| So he's going to get a much more honest response from you. | ||
| No, I've seen that before, too. | ||
| Like, I see comics who get out of there, like, you know, I'm not gonna say their names, but you see them, they're in their crowd, they're crushing, take them out of their crowd, it's just, it's like, oh, I'm back in the gym, I gotta work out. | ||
| You know, so, it's like, yeah, man. | ||
| But once you have a big, your crowd, once you have your crowd, it's easier to work on new material. | ||
| Not everybody finds a crowd sometimes. | ||
| I don't know, man, I just enjoy just going up there. | ||
| I only do that when I'm doing, like, Would you say not everybody finds a crowd sometimes? | ||
| Sam Tripoli, you have a crowd. | ||
| I think they're all at strip bars. | ||
| How dare you sell yourself short? | ||
| Well, they are definitely all fucked up. | ||
| The Sam Tripoli crowd, those are my people too, man. | ||
| My people are mostly crazy. | ||
| My crowd's fucked up. | ||
| They like to drink. | ||
| But cool as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, so do mine, man. | ||
| My crowd is always fucked up. | ||
| I have more pot smokers than you do, probably. | ||
| You're not a big pot smoker guy. | ||
| But you do sometimes. | ||
| You go in these waves. | ||
| Depends on where I'm at, what I'm doing. | ||
| Right now, Sam Tripoli's on an I'm sober wave. | ||
| Yeah, and you know, it works better. | ||
| But my problem is when everything starts here. | ||
| What works better? | ||
| Dude, listen. | ||
| I like to party, dude. | ||
| I like to get out there. | ||
| I like to go crazy. | ||
| So you just go nuts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a nuts guy, dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I just... | ||
| I want it all. | ||
| I want to do everything. | ||
| I just... | ||
| That's how I am, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And, you know... | ||
| That's why you're funny. | ||
| That's why you're calm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| Impulsive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm nuts. | ||
| Madness. | ||
| I want everything to be the greatest story of our life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Every time I go out and I drink, I'm like... | ||
| I want this to be a legendary moment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And people are like, oh my god, last night we were with Tripoli. | |
| Shit got crazy. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| That catches up with you after a while. | ||
| It does. | ||
| I know just sipping a beer, that does nothing for me. | ||
| Are you working this Friday? | ||
| Yeah, I'm in La Jolla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Why? | ||
| Because I'm doing the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. | ||
| Oh, you're killing me, dude. | ||
| I'd love to gig with you. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| We'd have some fun. | ||
| He's so nice, man. | ||
| He books me about twice a year. | ||
| And I'm not right for his crap. | ||
| I mean, like I am, but even my nice stuff has a little edge to it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But he's so nice to put me up, you know? | ||
| And I love playing that crap. | ||
| I love editing myself as I go. | ||
| Yeah, Nick is the nicest guy ever. | ||
| Yeah, it's just a nice, fun club. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great club. | ||
| But he allows me, you know? | ||
| Well, because you bring a certain crowd. | ||
| I bring them in. | ||
| But he won't let Joey Diaz. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I've had Joey a couple times. | ||
| It's too extreme. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Joey's too crazy. | ||
| He starts talking about stuffing things up, you muffler. | ||
| But yet he lets Ari, which makes no sense. | ||
| Well, Ari apparently is. | ||
| Yeah, but Ari's dirt is a little different dirt. | ||
| Well, first of all, Ari's Jewish, so he gets a little past there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's a Jew in Hollywood. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he looks, he's non-threatening. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not going to look at Ari going, oh my god, he's going to bang my daughter tonight. | ||
| You don't look at Ari like that. | ||
| He's going to rape your daughter tonight. | ||
| He doesn't know. | ||
| You look like from here he goes back to the library and he starts working on a Dewey Decimal system. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't look at it that way. | ||
| I look at nerdy guys as having just as much of a propensity for anger and violence as scary looking people. | ||
| Because a lot of times when you catch a nerdy person, you're catching them when they're fucking about to break. | ||
| You know, their whole life, someone's been fucking with them. | ||
| Their whole life, girls have been shitting on them and fucking their ex-boyfriends behind their back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| People have been stealing their lunch money and stuffing them into lockers. | ||
| So when the shit goes wrong with a nerdy guy, it could get crazy quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's nothing. | ||
| Falling down, bro. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| Falling down, I get it. | ||
| I know a lot of nerdy dudes that are suicidal, too. | ||
| I know some nerdy dudes that, especially when they get into their 30s, and their body starts to slow down, and they're still unhappy with life. | ||
| It gets tricky, man. | ||
| And when you're around a suicidal person, if they're willing to kill themselves, what the fuck are they willing to do to you? | ||
| 100%, man. | ||
| Watch your P's and Q's around crazy people, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen fucking... | |
| Super hot chicks who are suicidal. | ||
| I mean, because it's their reality. | ||
| You're looking at them going, you're hot. | ||
| Everybody is bending over backwards just to sniff your magic. | ||
| But in their head, they're miserable. | ||
| It's not enough. | ||
| You need a lot of things to be happy in this life, man. | ||
| You need fulfillment. | ||
| You need love. | ||
| You need friendship. | ||
| You need honesty. | ||
| You need honesty about yourself. | ||
| You need to be able to assess your strengths and your weaknesses and find your goals and achieve them. | ||
| You need a lot of fucking things to be happy. | ||
| You need, you know, when I say find your goals and achieve them, I mean like, you know, Not necessarily like your ultimate goal to be happy, but you have to... | ||
| People require improvement in their life to be happy. | ||
| And it might be improvement of just you... | ||
| I'm going to paint. | ||
| I'm going to paint a landscape scene. | ||
| You get it done and you look at it and you're like, I fucking did it, you know? | ||
| Whenever I do anything, whether it's a podcast or I write something, that feeling that you get when you're done, you're like... | ||
| I did it. | ||
| You need that to be happy. | ||
| You can't just be a lazy fuck and sit around doing nothing. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I'm just going to drink and fucking sit outside. | ||
| You're going to get bored, man. | ||
| You're going to want to do something. | ||
| The ultimate idea of ultimate vacation is a stupid idea. | ||
| You know, even when I go on vacation, I'm good for like a day. | ||
| And then I want to do something. | ||
| I want to do some shit. | ||
| So then it's vacation. | ||
| Let's go do fun shit while we're on vacation. | ||
| But the idea of just sitting and just drinking in front of a fucking ocean for three days, like, Jesus Christ, how long can you do that? | ||
| What kind of attention span do you have? | ||
| But do you have a day of rest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One day. | |
| Yeah, that's my Sunday. | ||
| I can sit down one day. | ||
| Sunday I just don't... | ||
| I try not to do shit. | ||
| But sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. | ||
| If I don't feel like I deserve it, I won't give myself a day. | ||
| Oh, I feel guilty sometimes. | ||
| But I feel like you have to have that moment of just relax. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| You do. | ||
| But I think you have to earn it. | ||
| In my mind, for me to be happy... | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because that's the shit that fucks with you when you're on brownies. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And that's the shit that fucks with you when you're in the isolation tank. | ||
| When I'm in the isolation tank, everything that fucks with me is things that I'm not doing. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| Things that I'm not doing or some mean stuff I said to someone when I was 10 or something. | ||
| Sometimes that'll come back and you'll get some weird memory of that. | ||
| For me, where I am in my life and what I've done and all that stuff, one thing someone said to me is I asked them how they were doing this. | ||
| They go, a lot better than I think I am. | ||
| It sounds like Neil Brennan. | ||
| Yeah, it's like you're actually probably doing better than you give yourself credit for, but sometimes people focus on what hasn't happened yet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Than what has gone well in their life. | ||
| A lot of people sometimes compare their insides to other people's outsides. | ||
| That's where you start getting really weirded out. | ||
| It's like when you start looking at this guy and he's got what you've always wanted or you think you've always wanted. | ||
| And you're like, oh, I don't got anything. | ||
| And you don't realize how much you've done with your life. | ||
| I'm really just in the moment. | ||
| There's tons of stuff I would love to do and I'm working on doing. | ||
| But at the end of the day, from what I've wanted to do, I've done a lot of it. | ||
| There's a lot more to do, but I've done a lot of it. | ||
| The most important thing to me when you have that feeling you compare yourself to other people, it's not a bad thing to do, but what you've got to do is only be inspired and have that as an ethic. | ||
| Don't ever be jealous. | ||
| Don't ever be uber self-critical or down on yourself. | ||
| Instead of going, oh, I'm a fucking lazy piece of shit. | ||
| You know, look at this guy. | ||
| He's doing his fucking second Comedy Central special. | ||
| And I don't even have a fucking hour and a half that I really like. | ||
| You know, my act sucks and I can't keep a relationship. | ||
| Instead of saying that, instead of saying that, Watch some guy that you really love or respect and instead of being put down by it, be elevated because of it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You can choose to do that, man. | ||
| People can choose to do that. | ||
| Yeah, you might be right. | ||
| You might be a lazy piece of shit. | ||
| You might be right, but don't think about it. | ||
| Don't concentrate on that because if you concentrate on the fact that you're a lazy piece of shit, you will continue to manifest that reality. | ||
| It sounds like hippie bullshit, but it's fucking true. | ||
| It's energy and intent. | ||
| I have some thoughts, man, about reality, and I have some thoughts about the use of the mind and the imagination of how it sculpts reality. | ||
| I don't think it's as simple as they want to break it down in, like, the secret and the law of attraction, and I put a picture of this house on the wall, and four years later I was moving into that house. | ||
| I don't think it's that simple. | ||
| But I think it's kind of that. | ||
| I think there's something to the idea that your thoughts and imagination have an effect on reality. | ||
| And this is my reason why I say this. | ||
| Because I think the imagination is something that we're not taking as seriously as we should be. | ||
| And what I mean by that is that I don't think... | ||
| If you looked at what part does this play in life? | ||
| What part does food play in life? | ||
| What part does... | ||
| The imagination has a huge impact on our reality. | ||
| Because we take things out of the imagination and we build them like this fucking laptop... | ||
| It came originally from someone's idea and it blossomed and evolved into what you see in front of you. | ||
| But it came out of the imagination. | ||
| It came out of the air. | ||
| Someone figured out how to put something together because they had an idea. | ||
| They had a spark. | ||
| They saw a vision. | ||
| They saw it. | ||
| Fully formed in their mind, or they saw steps along the way fully formed, and they figured out how to do that. | ||
| I think your mind doesn't just control things in a sense that you bring things out of the ether, you bring things out of your imagination and bring them and manifest them in the real world, but I think your mind actually has an effect on how things go in the real world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And as I said before, I don't understand quantum physics. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| But I do know that they've done tests where they show that particles react differently if you're observing them than if you're not observing them. | ||
| And I think there's probably something, some unmeasurable thing that's too fucking freaky and far out and really difficult to prove. | ||
| But I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility that your mind might have some sort of an impact on reality. | ||
| Babies are still going to get killed by drive-bys and people are still going to get caught in avalanches just randomly. | ||
| It's not to say that shit can't happen. | ||
| Shit most certainly can happen and most certainly there are natural occurrences that are going to be absolutely beyond anyone's control. | ||
| There's levels of experiences like you get to a meteor impact. | ||
| That's a wrap! | ||
| Maybe 65 million years ago, a big one slammed in and there's nothing bigger than a fucking hamster lived. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Boom boom. | ||
| And that could happen again. | ||
| And no matter how much imagination you have and how much you dream of a perfect world, I don't know if you can prevent that. | ||
| I think that there might be quantum things, there might be macro things, there might be a whole bunch of things working together. | ||
| But I don't discount the idea that you can use your own mind and your own imagination to manipulate reality to a certain degree. | ||
| No, 100%. | ||
| I've always felt the energy you give out, most of the time, is the energy you get back. | ||
| Or how about dudes who just force shit with their mind? | ||
| You know, this is going to sound crazy, but when Dane Cook became really famous, that was one of the first things that I thought of. | ||
| I was like, wow, this guy wanted it so much that he figured out a way to make it. | ||
| Because Dane Cook, we all have talked about it in the comedy world. | ||
| That was a real shocker for a lot of us. | ||
| We were like, wow, how did he do that? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| How did he get that big? | ||
| That big that quickly. | ||
| That big, yeah. | ||
| The whole thing. | ||
| To the point you could always tell someone's going to work. | ||
| I always felt he's a different person right now, I feel, than when I met him. | ||
| Which was many years ago. | ||
| Well, he's way different now because he's successful and he's sort of relaxed and he's realized that... | ||
| And some things in his life have happened that made him reassess where he wants to be. | ||
| Like his brother ripping him off. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, his parents dying. | ||
| But he was a win-at-all-cost guy. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And with that comes a certain price. | ||
| And not that he's a bad person, but I've always said, sometimes bad things happen to good people. | ||
| But I always felt bad things always happen to bad people. | ||
| And it may not be instantaneous, and the word bad Maybe isn't the right way to describe somebody, but I feel like if you're always putting out energy and you're fucking over your fellow man to win almost, it's going to come back. | ||
| And it might not be instantaneous. | ||
| Meaning if I fuck you right now, I'm going to walk out and get hit by a car. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Well, this is what I think. | ||
| I think that the only time that doesn't work is with sociopaths. | ||
| Because sociopaths don't seem to have any feelings about things like that. | ||
| They don't worry about hurting people's feelings. | ||
| They don't feel connected. | ||
| But the real problem with regular people like you and I is that you feel connected with someone when you hurt their feelings. | ||
| Like I've had people that are hecklers, that are just idiots and they're ruining a show. | ||
| There's a thousand people in there and one person wants to... | ||
| Wants to fucking throw in their own stupid brain and slosh up the whole show. | ||
| So I'll destroy this person. | ||
| I'll torture them. | ||
| I'll break down their life. | ||
| But I feel bad. | ||
| I don't feel good about it. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| I want everybody to have a good time. | ||
| I don't want to hurt this guy's feelings. | ||
| And this guy's leaving. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You're a fucking zero. | ||
| And I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| I'm at least a one or a two. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| And everyone's laughing. | ||
| And I'm like, if I'm a zero, what the fuck are you? | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Get out of here, you crazy asshole. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| A thousand people here and you're trying to ruin their night. | ||
| People are screaming and cheering, this guy's leaving. | ||
| And as the guy's leaving, I feel bad. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I don't want this. | ||
| Because his night's ruined? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| Because you really just want to perform and entertain people that paid money to see you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| I think people that hurt people's feelings, even if you justify it, you know you did something. | ||
| And I think that fucks with your head and it devalues you in your own eyes. | ||
| You're not a hero in your own eyes. | ||
| You're not someone who you respect. | ||
| You're doing what you've got to do to get by, but ultimately, you're not respecting yourself. | ||
| And I think we all have a certain amount of appreciation and respect for hero figures. | ||
| We all look at the guy who never lies and always does the right thing and fucking helps everybody out, and that's the John Wayne character. | ||
| That's the ultimate hero. | ||
| And when you look at your own life, and you don't stack up, you're a thief, you stole money from your wife's purse, and you don't want to smoke cigarettes, but you fucking have to, you can't deal with the stress you smoke, you devalue yourself. | ||
| You slowly start devaluing yourself. | ||
| When you look at yourself, you realize that if you were judging yourself, you would judge yourself unfavorably. | ||
| If you're stealing, if you're hurting people, if you're damaging people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| So no matter who you are, you can't pretend you're the hero of your story. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You have to be the hero of your own story. | ||
| And you can do that. | ||
| You can be the hero of your own story that woke up today. | ||
| You can be the hero of your own story that at 40 years of age stopped, got out of bed, and said, I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| I'm doing this differently now. | ||
| I am going to figure this out and I'm going to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| Only by my instincts and only by my morals and my ideals and my mind and I'm gonna be dead honest with myself because I'm realizing this is not gonna last forever and I'm gonna be the nicest fucking human being to everyone I meet possibly and I'm gonna get myself in shape and I'm gonna eat healthy and I'm gonna do this because this is me now. | ||
| I decide that this is me and people have to realize that you are not your past. | ||
| You are not All the times you fucked up. | ||
| You are not all the times you couldn't get it up. | ||
| You are not all the times you were drunk and you threw up in someone's car. | ||
| That's not you. | ||
| You are the person who's learned from a great deal of experiences. | ||
| If you learn correctly and if you process them correctly, you'll have a happier life. | ||
| In recovery, that's a big part of it. | ||
| You're supposed to list all the stuff you've done to people. | ||
| And apologizing. | ||
| What it is, is you just get it out. | ||
| And you're like, I did this. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Now it's gone. | ||
| You moved on. | ||
| And usually the person you admit to, they'll be like, I did all that and a little more. | ||
| Look where I am. | ||
| It doesn't define you. | ||
| And that's the truth. | ||
| And sometimes people hold on to that. | ||
| Psychological stuff, like athletes and entertainers. | ||
| Sometimes they'll do something and something bad will happen. | ||
| And it almost like wounds them. | ||
| It's like high school. | ||
| When someone shits on you, it sticks with you. | ||
| Instead of understanding that there was a moment in time and that person was probably hurt themselves, it doesn't define you as a person. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We all do things that we're not happy that we did. | ||
| But that doesn't mean that's you now. | ||
| It means you've got to learn that and the thing about apologizing to someone, once you get it out there, once you've relieved this tension, then it's no longer this burden that you're carrying around because otherwise you have burdens. | ||
| Seriously, I will think about some shit that happened from fucking 20 or 30 years ago and I'll be like, I should have been nicer to her. | ||
| Or, oh, I shouldn't have talked to him that way. | ||
| And it will fuck with me like 20 or 30 years later. | ||
| Oh, there's this girl named Erin McNally. | ||
| I went to school there. | ||
| And I went to my last reunion just hoping that she would show up. | ||
| Because during elementary school, we treated her so badly. | ||
| And I hated it. | ||
| And I wasn't part of it. | ||
| But I saw it happening. | ||
| But I wasn't strong enough. | ||
| Because I was a kid. | ||
| And I've always wanted to just be like, I'm sorry that that had happened, man. | ||
| Yeah, well, when I was a kid, especially as I got older and I was more and more angry, I became the first person to pull the trigger. | ||
| I was like the first person to insult someone because I figured, well, you're going to probably insult me, so I'll get you first, you know? | ||
| And, you know, you develop this sort of protective personality like that, especially if, like, you're a little guy and people want to fuck with you. | ||
| And that was me. | ||
| And when you do that, you know, all of a sudden that'll, like, be a way you behave now. | ||
| And then, you know, you'll say things, you're like, I don't even say that. | ||
| That's such a douchey fucking thing to say. | ||
| But it's just purely, it's based purely on insecurity. | ||
| I used to call it the Tripoli low blow, where we would be like having... | ||
| Brian, what are you doing over there, buddy? | ||
| Want to participate in the conversation? | ||
| There's no way I could do that. | ||
| There's no way you could participate in this conversation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why's that? | |
| Because it was so long-winded, I don't even know what you guys were talking about near the end. | ||
| I know what we're talking about. | ||
| I'll break it down for you. | ||
| Brian is like a two-year-old boy. | ||
| No, I mean, I got the main point near the beginning, and then it was kind of like, I just stopped listening. | ||
| I have a real problem in school with anything. | ||
| When something gets really deep into a conversation, unless it's about something that I'm totally interested in to solve some kind of mystery, I just lose interest in it. | ||
| How about we talk about... | ||
| Your feet stink, dude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Put your fucking shoes back on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think something's wrong with my feet right now. | ||
| Well, if your feet stink, that's what's wrong. | ||
| Or is it your shoes that stink? | ||
| No, I think these shoes are fucked up. | ||
| That is the grossest thing ever when someone takes their shoes off and their feet stink right next to you. | ||
| But did you smell it stinky? | ||
| I smell it right here. | ||
| I just smelled it right when he said it. | ||
| Dude, they stink. | ||
| I'm going to light some incense, you stinky motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, I have really old gym shoes on because I was moving on. | ||
| I want to talk about whether Brian's going to be okay with a tranny being on the podcast tomorrow. | ||
| So who is this girl, guy? | ||
| Listen, here's my whole thing, man. | ||
| How do you know this person, by the way? | ||
| Did you meet this person at a bar or a friend? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That makes sense, you stinky bitch. | ||
| I just feel like in the Naughty Show, I want to explore all stuff. | ||
| And I'm fine with anybody doing whatever they want with consenting adults. | ||
| And so, you know, you can't do Naughty Show and it just can't be like, let's bang, porn star. | ||
| I want to explore everything and all the different aspects of not just sexuality, but just people and their behavior and everything like that. | ||
| And I just wanted to, and I thought it might be interesting to have her on and See what that's like? | ||
| How do you get that? | ||
| I'm always interested in how do people get that. | ||
| It's a funny subject. | ||
| I'm glad you brought this up because I wanted to talk about this very subject because somebody on the message board printed, he goes, I organized my porn folder. | ||
| That was the thread. | ||
| And they look at it and it's like 80% shemales and trannies. | ||
| And everybody was like, are you trolling? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Are you joking around? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| And it was basically, what he was doing was getting the conversation started. | ||
| And then as he got the conversation started, he's like, no, I'm into regular girls, but I do watch a lot of tranny porn. | ||
| I've had some tranny escorts. | ||
| You know, and like, super honest about it. | ||
| And everybody's like, whoa, dude, you got balls. | ||
| But not really. | ||
| I mean, yes, he definitely has balls. | ||
| But it's a cool environment that you're doing it in. | ||
| Like, that's the best way to use the internet. | ||
| If you've got some crazy fucking freak thing, and you can talk about it, and your name is, you know, Akmach50. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| No one's going to know who you are. | ||
| USA. You can make up whatever the fuck you want your name to be. | ||
| And then, you know, it's just a character on a message board. | ||
| Who knows if he's even telling the truth? | ||
| I mean, it might just be an ultimate troll. | ||
| People love to do things like that and then giggle and pretend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm pretending I'm Brazilian. | ||
| People love doing things like that. | ||
| I just found it, you know, it's like the two biggest porn types out there. | ||
| Genres are interracial. | ||
| And tranny porn. | ||
| That's one of the biggest genres? | ||
| The two biggest. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And you would know. | ||
| Folks, this is not coming out of a man who... | ||
| That's the person that's coming to the studio tomorrow. | ||
| That's a tranny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That looks like a dude. | ||
| Yeah, some of them... | ||
| When they go too far with the makeup... | ||
| Here, trannies. | ||
| Let me give you a little piece of advice. | ||
| You're better off looking sort of like a man with less makeup than look like a tranny with a lot of makeup. | ||
| Because when you have a lot of makeup on, it always looks like you're trying to... | ||
| Yeah, but look at lesbians. | ||
| They try to go look like lumberjacks. | ||
| What guys really are going around with steel-toed boots? | ||
| The lesbians... | ||
| The butch ones. | ||
| The ones that don't want to work, they look like hot chicks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Lipstick lesbians. | ||
| And they're my fans. | ||
| Well, those are the ones that don't want to work. | ||
| What they are is they want a woman to come along and take care of them the way a man would. | ||
| They want a woman to be like their bodyguard. | ||
| And they're usually passing through. | ||
| Chaz Bono them. | ||
| A hundred grand to look like Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| That's so fucked up. | ||
| Is that what it costs? | ||
| A hundred grand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's weird about Chaps Bono? | ||
| Look, first of all, I would never criticize someone who's doing that because I don't know what the fuck it's like. | ||
| Here's my theory on that. | ||
| I don't know what's going on inside of his body. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think I have no problems with it. | ||
| Be yourself, but don't tell me it's not a little weird. | ||
| It's like if your cat starts barking like a dog, it's a little weird. | ||
| I'm not saying it's wrong and I totally support his right to do it, but it's not... | ||
| Normal, normal. | ||
| I don't think she's saying it's not. | ||
| I think, no. | ||
| I think that's what's exactly... | ||
| Do you call him a he? | ||
| Do you call him a he or a she? | ||
| I call him a he. | ||
| Eh. | ||
| No, I call him a he. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| That's what he is now. | ||
| Respectfully? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I have to see his dick to call him a he. | ||
| Well, that's my... | ||
| I do joke about that. | ||
| Otherwise, just say, hey, what's up, Chaz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like... | |
| I wouldn't say he or she. | ||
| Maybe we'll just call him a Chaz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the Navajos thought that there was four basic sexes. | ||
| That it wasn't for preferences. | ||
| It wasn't male-female. | ||
| It was male-female, masculine-woman, feminine-male. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| And that there was always people that wished they were born a girl. | ||
| And I believe it. | ||
| I 100% believe it. | ||
| There's just too many people. | ||
| I mean, I know it could be just nutty people. | ||
| It could be some weird imbalance. | ||
| It's one thing they've proven that experiences will literally shape the mapping of your fucking mind and the way your mind makes correlations and the way, you know... | ||
| And even shape your genes, you know? | ||
| The genes are activated because of certain stresses and different things that happen to you, like literally in the womb, man. | ||
| You know, that's why so many people that come from really super volatile environments are like quick to jump and be violent. | ||
| And the reason being is that they're fucking programmed to say, hey, we're going to shoot you out in the middle of a fucking war zone, okay? | ||
| When you come out, it's craziness right out the get-go. | ||
| Your mom almost got shot today coming home from work, and you experience all this inside the womb. | ||
| Your body's like getting ready for war. | ||
| It's triggering everything in that way. | ||
| It's experiences, and you draw from those experiences on how to react to certain situations. | ||
| But back to the training stuff, I believe it's like gay training wheels. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| But why it's so popular on the internet? | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| The porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it so popular? | ||
| Because it starts off with blowjob videos. | ||
| I think there's a broad spectrum. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think there's a broad spectrum of sexual likes and dislikes. | ||
| And some guys literally get off, and they're not even gay, they get off on looking at other guys' dicks. | ||
| They'll get off on looking at a guy's dick being hard and imagine it was their dick. | ||
| And they literally watch porn and get off on the dicks. | ||
| Well, I think that's why interracial porn. | ||
| They just love watching these just big bazookas just destroying these little white girls. | ||
| I don't understand that because I can't relate. | ||
| Because it's not like, that's a black dick. | ||
| That's not my dick. | ||
| That's how I always look at it. | ||
| That's why when I see a dude who's got a little tiny dick, I'm like, come on, son. | ||
| That ain't my dick. | ||
| I can't pretend this is my dick. | ||
| So this is not like fun porn for me. | ||
| But there's not a lot of little dick porn. | ||
| There's plenty of little dick porno guys. | ||
| What's little? | ||
| What's little? | ||
| It's not big. | ||
| I can't relate, son. | ||
| Six, seven. | ||
|
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|
If it ain't swole like a motherfucker! | |
| That's so interesting. | ||
| There's sometimes fat guys, too. | ||
| Fat guys with little dicks. | ||
| And some dudes love that shit. | ||
| Because they go, that could be me, man! | ||
| Which is why I was amazed that there's not more of that. | ||
| Because that's what porn started out. | ||
| Really ugly guys banging super hot chicks. | ||
| Because that was the fantasy. | ||
| Well, have you seen some of the new porn that they're doing? | ||
| Where the porno stars will fuck a fan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll fuck a real fan. | ||
| And they'll let the fan come inside of them and everything. | ||
| Like, god damn. | ||
| Oh, that's what my... | ||
| At my naughty show, a director wanted to come and raffle off... | ||
| I don't know, the establishment was like, I don't know, that's legal. | ||
| Which establishment? | ||
| Cheetahs. | ||
| They said no? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, how is it not legal? | ||
| You're just arranging, there's no money being taken, changing hands. | ||
| Something weird had happened to her. | ||
| You're arranging pornography. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, if something weird. | ||
| That's their whole theory. | ||
| She could get some fucking savage. | ||
| Yeah, you could raffle it off and you could say that your buddy won, who's a fucking Aikabea Bucci, straight out of jail, dude. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| Or just kill it. | ||
| But he was kind of like Ultimate Kiss Night or something. | ||
| He would be fucking her on a camera, though, dude. | ||
| I mean, it would be like a video that they make. | ||
| That's their whole thing. | ||
| If something went bad, they could be liable. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know how, but... | ||
| So they didn't want to do it. | ||
| I thought it was going to be hilarious. | ||
| Couldn't you just change the wording, though? | ||
| Like, Ultimate Kids Night? | ||
| Like, make it something like that? | ||
| Like, it was implied that everyone knows... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you could just... | |
| I mean, doesn't Howard Stern do that, though? | ||
| He sets it up where they go and fuck guys. | ||
| Yeah, the interns and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, they fuck guys. | ||
| I ran it by cheetahs and they were like, nope. | ||
| You said it wrong. | ||
| Well, you know what it is, man? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| The risk for reward for them is not worth it. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| They're going to make a couple hundred people happy if they do it? | ||
| And what's the risk? | ||
| The risk is... | ||
| They get known as a prostitution establishment. | ||
| Yeah, they get fucked and they lose their license. | ||
| That's the risk. | ||
| It's like, why would they do that for your silly little fucking comedy show? | ||
| Silly boy. | ||
| You non-business sense having motherfucker. | ||
| This is my business here. | ||
| I've been in Vegas for 17 fucking years at this location. | ||
| Yeah, I do it with a French accent. | ||
| That's who I want to cheat us now. | ||
| The French guy? | ||
|
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|
The French are freaks, man. | |
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Have you been to a strip bar in LA lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're horrible. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're all horrible. | ||
| They've always been horrible. | ||
| There's never been a good one. | ||
| Remember that bit that I used to do about the star strip on La Cienega? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was a true fucking story. | ||
| The girl was dancing and I asked her, I go, hey, is this fun for you? | ||
| Do you like doing this? | ||
| She goes, I don't talk to guys who come here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I go, why not? | ||
| She goes, well, you know what? | ||
| Most of the guys who come here are assholes. | ||
| So I don't talk to guys who come here. | ||
| And I go, well, it's an open door. | ||
| I mean, like, nice people come in, too. | ||
| And she goes, well, they only come here for one reason. | ||
| I mean, like, why did you come in here? | ||
| And I go, because somebody told me there's a place that I could go where I could see a strange girl's pussy for a dollar. | ||
| Oh, I remember that bit. | ||
| Yeah, you remember that bit? | ||
| That's a true story. | ||
| That really did happen. | ||
| I was like, what a gross conversation. | ||
| You're dancing. | ||
| If you don't want to talk to me, just say, you know, I prefer to be silent or something. | ||
| But to say most guys are assholes, like, okay, I get this is not fun all the time, but I'm nice. | ||
| I'm being nice to you. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of dicks going in there, but it's like, that's your job. | ||
| I mean, it's like, there's a bit of sales going on. | ||
| Yes, but, Joe, you should totally open up a club and just call it, like, Houston's, and fly just, all the girls there are just from Texas, and they get flown in every week. | ||
| Wouldn't it be cool? | ||
| No, it wouldn't be cool. | ||
| Why wouldn't it be cool? | ||
| That would solve the LA... Because you gotta deal with a bunch of fucking problems. | ||
| That's what you got. | ||
| I mean, if you wanna... | ||
| What it is is these are people that are broken. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, the reason why this girl's angry at work is not because... | ||
| Not even necessarily because so many guys are assholes, which I'm sure they are. | ||
| But it's because the reason why she's fucking got her asshole in front of your face in the first place. | ||
| She's broken. | ||
| Something happened to this poor girl when she was younger and she's all fucked up and most likely molested and then here we go. | ||
| There's good strip clubs though. | ||
| You enjoy going to good strip clubs. | ||
| The ones in LA are just completely broken because of the actress thing. | ||
| You can only enjoy it with a bunch of people and less and less. | ||
| Less and less I enjoy it than when I was younger. | ||
| It's just because I do the math. | ||
| You do that whole fucking Buddhist thing where you start to think about what is the cause and effect? | ||
| What is the initial starting point for the current behavior? | ||
| Or you have a couple of drinks and you just go stare at tits. | ||
| Do you hear about the place in North Dakota? | ||
| There's this city, some mining city, where the girls are stripping and they're making $3,500 a night because they got so much money and there's like five chicks in the whole entire town. | ||
| And they're taking in applications from around the world. | ||
|
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|
Like Russians, Czech chicks. | |
| Yeah, I was talking to some dudes up in Canada. | ||
| We were in Grand Prairie and some shit like that. | ||
| Way the fuck up there. | ||
| And they were talking to us about there's a lot of dudes that work up there in the mines. | ||
| And there's nothing to do up there. | ||
| And they make a shitload of money. | ||
| Shit loads of money, dude. | ||
| Shit loads of cash. | ||
| That was my job when I got... | ||
| They come in from Europe for gigs there. | ||
| Yeah, I have rules with women. | ||
| I won't fuck three types of chicks. | ||
| Underage, married, or Russian chicks. | ||
| Scared of Russians? | ||
| Dude, one, they may not be there by choice. | ||
| And two, you don't know, man. | ||
| Those chicks are just as crazy, man. | ||
| They come in, they'll slice and dice some motherfuckers. | ||
| Dude, the craziest bitch I ever used to... | ||
| Fuck around with was a Ukrainian girl. | ||
| Right? | ||
| She was wild. | ||
| I still beat off to that girl. | ||
| And they always want to get married. | ||
| Like after like two months, they're like, I need a ring. | ||
| Put a ring on this finger. | ||
| Yeah, well she was a second generation, but god damn, this bitch was a freak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| They're like the craziest white girls out there. | ||
| They're crazy white girls, but they're just like, they're a much hardier stock than your average white girl. | ||
| It's like, almost like, they're almost like a different species. | ||
| And the men, too. | ||
| You know, if you look at guys like Fedor or Igor Zinoviev or, you know, the fucking hard Russian men. | ||
| You know, there's some fucking hard Russian men. | ||
| They always have that country strength. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, yeah, like a whole country full of Matt Hughes's. | ||
| They look like they fight grizzly bears. | ||
| It's a tough... | ||
| I mean, look. | ||
| There's Russian pussies just like... | ||
| There's American pussies. | ||
| There are all kinds of pussies in this world. | ||
| But Russians are some fucking tough fucking people, man. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| They've been through some crazy shit. | ||
| Armenians? | ||
| Armenians are nuts, bro. | ||
| That's our people. | ||
| Tough fucking people, man. | ||
| A lot of Armenian fighters, dude. | ||
| A lot of MMA fighters. | ||
| A lot of Muay Thai Armenian fighters. | ||
| A lot of Armenian boxers. | ||
| Taxi drivers. | ||
| When you think of... | ||
| When I moved to LA, that was the weirdest thing because where I was from, you know, the Armenians where I'm from are very, like, they look like white people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Out here, they're very Persian Armenian. | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| Upstate New York. | ||
| And they look like white people. | ||
| They look, if you looked at all my aunts, you'd be like, a couple of my aunts, you'd be like, wow, those are white people. | ||
| You would never know they were Armenian. | ||
| How did Armenia get its Armenia name? | ||
| Armenianites. | ||
| How did they get their ethnicity? | ||
| Where do they come from? | ||
| Is it a mix of... | ||
| You know, like Filipinos or Chinese and Spanish? | ||
| Like, out here, they're mostly Persian-Armenians. | ||
| Persian-Armenians. | ||
| They're like Persians, but the country adopted Christianity, so it became its own little thing, and it never really got along with any of its neighbors. | ||
| So the Persians came into Iran and then became Christians? | ||
| No, the Persians Yeah, well, it was one whole thing. | ||
| I mean, you came into Armenia and then became Christians? | ||
| Yeah, the country was the first country to ever adopt Christianity as its country's official religion. | ||
| Okay, so there's the darker, more Middle Eastern-looking Armenians, and then there's more like European? | ||
| Eastern European, yeah. | ||
| Very light-skinned. | ||
| Very light-skinned. | ||
| You would never know. | ||
| Do they take you the same way, though? | ||
| Because I know that with Mexicans, there's a big difference in Mexicans as well. | ||
| Coconuts? | ||
| Well, with Mexicans, you get dudes who look like Oscar de la Hoya or Salma Hayek, who look very Spanish, very European. | ||
| Then you get dudes who look more like Indians, really, more like Native Americans, because that's the real bloodline, like the Mayans. | ||
| What about the one Mexican boxer who looks red-headed Irish? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| Louis C.K.? Did you hear his name? | ||
| Yeah, Louis C.K. is Mexican, too. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| He was born in Mexico. | ||
| Louis C.K. is Mexican? | ||
| Not born in Mexico, but he's Mexican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| I never knew that, but that's what... | ||
| Well, he has a joke about how he's more Mexican than Carlos Mencia. | ||
| And he really is. | ||
| I mean, Louis is Mexican. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very fascinating. | ||
| Full? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's got a lot of Mexican in him. | ||
| But there's a very distinct look that some Mexicans have. | ||
| It's more of an American Indian look. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| When I went to Mexico City, I went to Mexico City to see Metallica and we flew in and my friends were already there and we didn't know what to do. | ||
| So we're like, no one's here to pick us up. | ||
| We were going to go. | ||
| We're like, we need a ride so we find a taxi. | ||
| And it gets shady, dude. | ||
| The taxi driver's like, follow me, man. | ||
| And we walk through the airport. | ||
| And as we get through the airport, we keep walking. | ||
| It gets more and more third world. | ||
| So I'm not lying to you. | ||
| Eventually, we're walking out the airport through this back alley where there's these chickens all running around. | ||
| And I'm like, this is not going right, man. | ||
| And we got into the car. | ||
| I made a video of it. | ||
| And he drove around. | ||
| And that's the worst thing you can do in Mexico City is get in a taxi because they will kidnap you. | ||
| They'll drive you somewhere, they'll take you, and they'll hold you for a couple days until they drain your ATM. And if you're lucky, they'll let you come back. | ||
| But I don't know if this guy liked us. | ||
| We started talking about hookers and all that stuff. | ||
| Because there's something about me, whenever I land to do stand-up or do somewhere, I always ask, so what's going on in this town? | ||
| And they always tell me where the hookers are. | ||
| Immediately, the first thing they always tell me is like, oh, you can get some girls over here. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| You seem like a party guy. | ||
| I seem like a party guy, but do I look like I need hookers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Really? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, that's cool. | ||
| That's a cool superpower. | ||
| You just look like you like him. | ||
| Like, you could tell. | ||
| Like, I just want to talk to them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And get to know them? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the hooker whisperer? | ||
| Yeah, Mexico is a very tricky place. | ||
| Last time I was there, I was in Cancun. | ||
| It was a few years back, and I remember landing and walking through the airport, and just all these people, like, coming at you to try to give you a ride. | ||
| And I was like, wow, we had a ride already arranged, and I was like, this is gross, man. | ||
| Like, you can't move through them. | ||
| Like, I'm walking, pulling my bags, and like, one after the other, you need a ride, you need a ride, you need a ride, sir, senor, you need a ride, senor. | ||
| Holding up their fucking sign, and it's like, wow, this is weird. | ||
| I'm uncomfortable here. | ||
| You realize, like, whoa, they're playing by different rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| This is a third world country, son. | ||
| You can call it Cancun all you want. | ||
| You just landed in a place where laws don't apply. | ||
| Everything's different. | ||
| I mean, some laws apply, but it's not the same. | ||
| Everything's run by fucking violent drug gangs. | ||
| Sure, they have a military presence. | ||
| Sure, they have police. | ||
| But the fucking drug gangs in Mexico are... | ||
| They run everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Near the border. | ||
| You go to the border. | ||
| They even have our weapons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They end up busting them with our military weapons. | |
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| When you realize how fucking nutty these government agents are. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| Was it called Operation Fast and Furious? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Well, I mean, do you think we give it to them? | ||
| Or they just end up... | ||
| Yeah, because we like to destabilize regions. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| You think they're trying to... | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| We play both sides. | ||
| We... | ||
| Their guns turned up in El Paso too. | ||
| The guns, they turned up in crimes that were used in El Paso. | ||
| So the guns that the ATF sold to the Mexican drug traffickers, those fucking guns showed up in our country. | ||
| So those guns could have easily been used to kill American civilians because our fucking government is completely incompetent and retarded. | ||
| 2,000 weapons were trafficked along the US-Mexico border and many were using violent crimes in Mexico. | ||
| In addition, two AK-47 semi-automatics involved in the program were recovered after a US border agent was killed south of Tucson. | ||
| Wow, a US fucking border agent was killed with one of these weapons. | ||
| So under the program dubbed Fast and Furious, agents with the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and Explosives in the Phoenix field office allowed licensed firearm dealers to sell weapons to illegal straw buyers in the hope that the agents could track the weapons and arrest Mexican drug cartel leaders. | ||
| That was their wacky, fucking dopey ass idea. | ||
| They were gonna allow the fucking Mexican drug cartels to get more weapons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did they have GPS things in them or something? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Because then that kind of makes sense. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| If you give a bunch of guns and you watch... | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| They know where they are. | ||
| They already know where they are. | ||
| They're where the drug guys are. | ||
| They have fucking ranches, man. | ||
| Dude, there's powers that be, bro. | ||
| Yeah, they have billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| And you never know. | ||
| Like, there was that whole theory that they want to really, like... | ||
| Bankrupt Mexico. | ||
| You ever heard of the Amero? | ||
| Do you buy into that at all? | ||
| I heard about it. | ||
| Yeah, like the whole thing was just... | ||
| Dobbs actually had it on CNN, I think. | ||
| About just how they're trying to make Mexico's broke as shit, and then America broke as shit, and then bring down Canada with us, and then our money's worth nothing, that they just get rid of everything, and it's the Amero, bro. | ||
| Do you think that's possible? | ||
| Do you think the government actually plots to crash the economy? | ||
| I think it's absolute incompetence. | ||
| I don't think that they plot to crash shit. | ||
| I do think that powers that be crash the market so they can buy everything cheaper and then it goes back up and they buy more money. | ||
| I definitely think that. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| Well, I definitely think that people short stocks and they manipulate the market and do stuff like that to get money. | ||
| But that's not necessarily the same people that are the government. | ||
| This is people that are involved in the market. | ||
| The market sort of pays for the government to get the government to do certain things their way that help them and aid them and stealing money and make sure there's a lot of clauses so they get away with a lot of shady shit completely legally. | ||
| But I don't think they're plotting to fucking crash the economy. | ||
| You ever watch the first 48? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You ever see somebody kill somebody over $20 worth of crack? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, well, those are just thugs and gals, but they're people. | ||
| They're wired certain ways. | ||
| You're looking at the government. | ||
| You're looking at people who are dealing with billions, if not trillions of dollars. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I just don't think they're going to let a flip of a coin decide where that money goes and that they could have some problem with manipulating shit. | ||
| I'm not saying that's what happens, but I would never ever put it past somebody to manipulate something for a ton of money. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, but... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There's too many people who'd have to be involved in rigging the whole economy to collapse, and then you'd have to figure out who the hell's going to profit on this, and then you'd have to follow the money. | ||
| There's no mystery why things collapsed. | ||
| There's no mystery. | ||
| There was a goddamn money grab, and they knew that it was temporary, and they went crazy, and they made the whole economy virtually... | ||
| Based on nothing. | ||
| Based on nonsense. | ||
| Slowly but surely. | ||
| Not based on gold. | ||
| Not based on anything. | ||
| Based on craziness. | ||
| And then there's derivatives. | ||
| I read this Matt Taibbi article where he was talking about the derivative economy being 100 times larger than the regular economy, whatever the fuck that means. | ||
| It gets so fucking squirrely. | ||
| So they know what went wrong. | ||
| It's not like someone sabotaged it on purpose. | ||
| So they can profit from it. | ||
| And that they can slowly devalue the dollar so they can combine the countries together. | ||
| You know, there's no profit in that, man. | ||
| There's no ultimate profit in creating one giant country. | ||
| Listen, I'm not saying that there could be. | ||
| I'm saying that's a theory out there. | ||
| It's beyond, but I wouldn't put it past anybody. | ||
| Because when they do that supposedly, what's going to have to happen, and this is such a radical thing, but it would be like you would scrap the Constitution. | ||
| You'd have to scrap the Constitution and rewrite it. | ||
| Well, they've sort of done that anyway. | ||
| They've sort of done that anyway, slowly but surely. | ||
| But this would be a direct... | ||
| Parts of freedom of speech, parts of the Second Amendment, the right to bear arms has been compromised significantly in this country, and more and more now that they were trying to do with medical marijuana. | ||
| They're trying to make it so that if you have medical marijuana, you're not allowed to possess a gun anymore, or you're not allowed to buy a new gun. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| They're fucking with people's rights, inalienable rights as non-criminals in the United States of America, as hunters, as people that want to go target shooting. | ||
| It's whatever. | ||
| You know, you're saying because someone uses medical marijuana, they shouldn't be allowed to? | ||
| What about oxycodone? | ||
| You got that on your list? | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Oh, go fuck yourself. | ||
| Yeah, that's one... | ||
| You criminals. | ||
| They should go to jail for that, dude. | ||
| Just for even suggesting that medical marijuana should be something that you should lose your gun for and not OxyContin and not Vicodin and not a regular drinker. | ||
| Fuck you, you criminal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| It's so transparent, man. | ||
| That is one of the most transparent pieces of corruption the world has ever seen. | ||
| The idea that the fucking ATF is going to go after potheads before they go after pharmaceutical companies, alcohol companies. | ||
| You're going to go after people who smoke pot. | ||
| They're the ones who can't have guns. | ||
| What about Obama and his administration now trying to shut down all the dispensaries? | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's a bag of goods. | ||
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| They say it's the Department of Justice. | ||
| But it's his guys in there. | ||
| Yeah, well, I guess they're not listening to him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how that works. | ||
| I don't know how much say the president really has. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm with you. | |
| I don't... | ||
| That's what I think happens is he got in there. | ||
| He wanted, like, yes, we can. | ||
| Got in there. | ||
| Real... | ||
| It's the Bill Hicks whole thing. | ||
| They showed him a different fucking view of the candy assassination. | ||
| I think it's even different than the Bill Hicks joke. | ||
| It's like, instead, he thought he was going to go there and he was going to get into an office and he was going to be able to change shit. | ||
| And when he got there, there's a bunch of people feverishly working to patch up a hole in the middle of the universe. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And they're like, listen, we can only keep this together for another fucking year or two. | ||
| And it's going to blow. | ||
| It doesn't matter if the economy goes. | ||
| It doesn't matter if we get cancer. | ||
| This fucking thing's going to blow. | ||
| There's a hole in the universe. | ||
| We're trying to patch it up. | ||
| We've got our boys holding it down. | ||
| And they flew him out to fucking Area 51 in Nevada. | ||
| And he looked at the hole in the universe and he went, fuck. | ||
| And then his hair slowly became gray. | ||
| And he's like, what do you want to go after pot? | ||
| Go after pot. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Who cares at this point? | ||
| Pakistan? | ||
| War with Pakistan? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Iran? | ||
| Iran has bombs? | ||
| Let's bomb them first. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's a goddamn hole in the universe. | ||
| Why not, dude? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Did he get gray quick, didn't he? | ||
| Well, you know, he looks better. | ||
| Black don't crack, that's for sure. | ||
| He looks better than Bush. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They decay because they start seeing shit that we don't even know about. | ||
| They're just like, uh... | ||
| You heard what Bill Clinton said, man? | ||
| One of the craziest things that he said about being in office was about the moon landings. | ||
| He said that when he was a kid, just a couple months after the Apollo 11 landing, he said that it was amazing that man put a person on the moon and he worked with his old carpenter. | ||
| This old carpenter said that he thought that that was BS and that those television fellers... | ||
| He goes, I don't believe a word of it. | ||
| Those television fellers can try to get you to believe anything. | ||
| I don't believe man landed on the moon. | ||
| And he said, at the time, I thought that guy was a crank. | ||
| He goes, but after eight years in the White House... | ||
| Just stop and think about that. | ||
| What he said, after eight years in the White House, I start to think maybe he was ahead of his time. | ||
| This is the fucking president! | ||
| The fucking president said that. | ||
| Just imagine the shit that he saw where he would even pretend that the moon landings possibly could have been faked. | ||
| That he would even entertain that for a moment. | ||
| I don't think we have a goddamn clue as to what really creepy shit is going on behind closed doors when the pharmaceutical companies talk about the amount of drugs that they produce every year that they need to sell and how they up the Oxycontin every fucking year. | ||
| You know, they've upped it so much since we've been in Afghanistan. | ||
| What a coincidence. | ||
| Afghanistan produces all the heroin and that's where they're fucking getting it and that's where they're making OxyContin and we're over there protecting it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| And it's so funny that people don't believe any of that. | ||
| That they can't sit there and fathom that their leaders might not have their best interests. | ||
| Especially when you're talking about billions and billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| When you're talking about just ridiculous sums of money, we're willing to do some creepy shit. | ||
| We're willing to do some creepy shit, man. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And don't give a fuck, man. | ||
| I always question authority, man. | ||
| Always. | ||
| I just think it's more fun. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Why keep making their jobs easy? | ||
| But look how easily they can justify what they do. | ||
| There was some fucking one of those speeches where they talked about where it was like Obama had jokes written for him. | ||
| And he had a joke about his daughters. | ||
| you predator drone like he was joking right people dating his daughter that he will send a predator drone on you what's kind of a fucked up joke and then when you go look into how many people have died using predator drones how many innocent people have died hundreds of them including like i think it was like 150 children so yeah but it's not the same thing like baseball jokes | ||
| 150 children have been killed by things that are ultimately under his control since he is the commander-in-chief of the united states army and the united states military force right he's the commander-in-chief 100 so ultimately he's at the top of the blame list 150 150 babies were killed by missiles from a flying robot. | ||
| And he's joking around about people dating his daughter. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And here's the whole... | ||
| I've said 100%. | ||
| And using Predator drones to go after him. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| It's back to hand-to-hand combat. | ||
| If you and I are going at it and you see I give up, there's a sense of like, okay, he's giving up. | ||
| But if you're a thousand miles away, you're not going to see me surrender. | ||
| And it means there's no like... | ||
| It's a detachment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a detachment. | |
| Yeah! | ||
| It's the same kind of detachment you get on the internet where you're allowed to use a fake name. | ||
| Like, this guy could talk about tranny porn because he doesn't have to worry. | ||
| He's detached. | ||
| Or someone could be mean to you. | ||
| And, you know, they don't worry about the social repercussions of being mean to you because they don't say you. | ||
| It's like, fuck you, Tripoli. | ||
| You fucking suck. | ||
| You always suck. | ||
| Oh, you read my comments? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just assuming. | |
| Everybody gets those. | ||
| Everybody gets those. | ||
| Well, did you hear that the founder of Facebook, his sister, is trying to make it so people have to use their real names on the internet? | ||
| I don't know if it'll ever happen. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I think you should be able to do whatever you want. | ||
| If you want to use your real name, use your real name. | ||
| If you don't, I think there should be places where you have to use your real name. | ||
| Like, my message board, I would like it if you had your real face and your real name, and that's what we saw. | ||
| You can't make that? | ||
| Well, I mean, I guess I could, but I don't want to be censoring people. | ||
| And if that was the case, people wouldn't be able to post shit because of what they do for a living. | ||
| Like, there's some people that have asked me to change their screen names because their screen name, somebody from work found out their screen name, so they asked me to, like, change their screen name so that they couldn't get, you know, some fucking tattletale at work. | ||
| Couldn't go, yeah, Bob's talking about tranny porn. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| He doesn't deserve this work. | ||
| Look at the times where he's logged on. | ||
| This is 4 p.m. | ||
| He's working at 4 p.m. | ||
| He's talking about tranny porn. | ||
| People do that shit, man. | ||
| It's so much tracking too nowadays. | ||
| Like Twitter, Facebook, everything. | ||
| How many times have you used Twitter? | ||
| Use your location. | ||
| My latest phone has that turned on immediately. | ||
| I didn't even do it. | ||
| I'm like, great. | ||
| Did I just tweet? | ||
| Did you get a 4S? Yeah. | ||
| It has that shit on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| It is creepy. | ||
| I just think people are extra mean because there's no ramifications. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| And ultimately, everything comes down to accountability. | ||
| That's what I think we get away from more and more in this society, especially in this country, which is... | ||
| My whole thing is, I wish they would say that at Occupy Wall Street or LA. You want accountability, man. | ||
| You want accountability for everything you do. | ||
| Whether it's government, whether it's your personal actions, it's accountability. | ||
| And that's what they're asking for, but no one will come out and say that on that thing. | ||
| So they all put out their own stupid shit. | ||
| Somebody did something fucked up and the whole thing's falling apart and no one's going to jail. | ||
| That's a sure sign that the justice system is not working properly. | ||
| A sure sign that our elected leaders are not going after the people that had created this problem. | ||
| 100... | ||
| I gotta stop saying that 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%! | |
| You say 1000% too. | ||
| Yeah, I should say. | ||
| It's like a drinking game at this point. | ||
| Anyone drinking shots at this point is shit-faced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine in the future if there was a movie that was designed, probably like Avatar or something like that, like CGI, and every time you watched it, going back to what you were talking about earlier, every time you watched it, a new scene was in the movie, and it was created randomly by a computer generator, kind of like Minecraft, this video game. | ||
| I'm sure that could be possible. | ||
| I'm sure that's going to happen. | ||
| You could sit down and watch Star Wars, like a whole new version of Star Wars, every time you watch it. | ||
| Or it becomes like a choose-your-own-adventure movie where it's like different choices give you a different ending to the script. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Absolutely, man. | ||
| The future is going to be very strange when it comes to what you can create, artificial environments that you can create. | ||
| The real question to me is like, what's going to win? | ||
| Is it going to be human stupidity or is it going to be technology? | ||
| It's almost like there's a race to a final conclusion. | ||
| I think it's technology. | ||
| Maybe, but we're also invading Pakistan, and Iran's got nukes, and they're fucking with the Large Hadron Collider and some new laser they're proposing to build in Britain that could punch a hole through space-time. | ||
| There's a weird race going on. | ||
| And at the same time, look at what's going on in the Congo. | ||
| Again, so sad. | ||
| Look what's going on in the Congo. | ||
| Look what's going on in Mexico. | ||
| Look what's going on in so many different parts of the world where human lives are just falling apart. | ||
| Human civilization falling apart. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| You know, just ultimate chaos. | ||
| You look at like, watch like documentaries on parts of Africa and you would swear this is a post-apocalyptic vision. | ||
| Right? | ||
| The things they do, like warlords just hacking orphans just to get their spears. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| Eating the flesh of innocent children on the enemy's side to be invulnerable in battle. | ||
| Some of the stuff that I watch documentaries on Liberia, they've stained my brain forever, man. | ||
| Cannibalism, rampant, rampant cannibalism. | ||
| We're going to have Shane Smith on the podcast from Vice TV. He's one of the guys who went to Liberia. | ||
| Is he the guy who went to North Korea too? | ||
| Yeah, he's gone everywhere. | ||
| Who's telling me about that recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this dude. | |
| I'm so excited. | ||
| I can't wait to have this guy on. | ||
| I'm fucking so fired up. | ||
| He's been everywhere. | ||
| He was just in Beirut and he travels all over the world, the darkest parts of the world. | ||
| He says he has to get new passports all the time because he brings his passport and they go, what the fuck, Iraq, Afghanistan, like what are you doing? | ||
| And he's like, oh, I'm a reporter. | ||
| And they're like, for what? | ||
| He's like, VBS? And they're like, CBS? He's like, no, VBS. Like, the fuck is VBS? So whenever he goes somewhere dark, he just gets a new passport. | ||
| You're better off. | ||
| Jason Tebow is telling me about his one in North Korea and how crazy North Korea is. | ||
| Yeah, well, he said he's got some North Korea. | ||
| He said NK slave footage. | ||
| I didn't even know what that meant. | ||
| But then the internet schooled me. | ||
| North Korea douche. | ||
| And I was like, oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| People are like, you seriously? | ||
| And they don't know what it is. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I started trying to think of what that meant. | ||
| I never associated North Korea with slaves for some reason. | ||
| I didn't think that there would be slaves. | ||
| Dude, I guarantee that happens more and more and more. | ||
| Yeah, communism, you know? | ||
| You know, and that's the whole thing about, you know, this whole free trade where they move these businesses over to these third worlds. | ||
| Take your phone off the table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody... | |
| Brian, take your phone off the table. | ||
| Everybody keeps, you know, lowering, lowering prices. | ||
| Eventually, the labor is going to be to the point where they don't even want to pay for labor to keep the prices so low. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Slavery is going to happen. | ||
| Well, I mean, you know, look, we're willing to do that to dolphins. | ||
| Why not Chinese people? | ||
| I don't understand them either. | ||
| That's really how people look. | ||
| Dude, if you ever go to China, you'll have the best time ever. | ||
| China is the shit, dude. | ||
| What'd you do in China? | ||
| I did stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was the best time. | ||
| Me and Steve Byrne, or Steve Byrne and I, we went to Beijing, Shanghai. | ||
| Loved it, dude. | ||
| Who did you perform to? | ||
| Americans? | ||
| Expats. | ||
| How many people were in the crowd? | ||
| Different shows or different size. | ||
| Is all white people in the crowd or just some Chinese people? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Really everything. | ||
| What was the percentage of white people to Chinese people? | ||
| Well at our shows it was very high. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Mostly white people? | ||
| It was like 80% white. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, but it was amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I had such great time. | ||
| Nicest people ever. | ||
| Chinese are the nicest people ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And you know, and I just learned. | ||
| It's like everybody's the same. | ||
| It's just you got governments and they're fighting with each other over resources. | ||
| Yeah, the resources problem in China is really a problem. | ||
| That's a funny thing, that whole factory thing in China. | ||
| We had a thing on the podcast where I was trying to figure out, is there a karma-free cell phone? | ||
| Is there a cell phone that I can get where I don't feel bad about owning it? | ||
| Turns out there's not. | ||
| Why do you feel bad about owning it? | ||
| I feel bad that someone has to make fucking 15 cents an hour to make something. | ||
| Yeah, that is hard. | ||
| I said that they should have an iPhone called the iKarma, and the iKarma is made in America, and they pay the people a real wage. | ||
| And you could pay more for it. | ||
| And it costs twice as much. | ||
| Yeah, and it costs twice as much. | ||
| And a lot of people are like, fuck you, douche. | ||
| I can barely afford my phone now. | ||
| You fucking got some money. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying, dude. | ||
| I'm not talking about you. | ||
| I'm not judging you, but I'm saying it would be nice for me if I knew that this was made by people who were paid for their labor a really fair price so that they could afford to go on vacation, so they could afford to live in a nice place, so they could afford to have food. | ||
| I think if you fucking work all day, you should not have issues. | ||
| You should not have issues like, you know, I'm homeless. | ||
| You should not have issues like, oh, I can't afford health insurance. | ||
| If you're working all day, your day should be worth something. | ||
| Well, and that's why I think the whole thing is going to collapse, because not just in America, but around the world, because here you're taking these jobs from here, where you're paying a living wage, and you're taking over here, and you're not paying a living wage. | ||
| You're paying next to nothing. | ||
| So the people over here can't buy anything, and now the people over here can't buy anything. | ||
| So who's going to buy the goods? | ||
| Well, the real question is, yeah, who can buy it? | ||
| But the real question is, how can you compete? | ||
| How can you make something in this country? | ||
| That's what tariffs are for, and that's why the administration just signed three new huge free trade agreements. | ||
| They say they are as big as NAFTA, and they're going around a job-creating bill, and you just sign that free trade thing. | ||
| We're screwed, man. | ||
| Yeah, and stuff like that is where people really get the motivation. | ||
| That's the inspiration to think that this is a rigged system. | ||
| To think that this is some sort of Illuminati plan to slowly crash the economy. | ||
| Things like that. | ||
| Free trade agreements. | ||
| But I think it's just a fucking money grab. | ||
| It's just greedy cunts. | ||
| It's stock market stuff. | ||
| Corporations and greedy cunts. | ||
| And the problem is the corporations, they found out that the, you know, the Chinese and all these different industrious nations all around the world are willing to work harder, longer hours for less money, and then thus they can produce shit cheaper. | ||
| And because they found out that, it's like, they're like, well, we have to compete. | ||
| You know, if you want these American jobs, you know, our whole business is going to go under unless you move at least our factories over there. | ||
| And they go, okay, okay, move your factories over there, but sell your Nikes over here. | ||
| You know, you gotta have some Nike employees over here, but, you know. | ||
| Right, 100%. | ||
| And over there, it's like, I guess the stuff's cheaper to sell in terms of, like, you know, what Chinese are buying the same goods as us. | ||
| We pay way more because we supposedly have a higher standard of living. | ||
| But eventually, that's gonna have to go down too, right? | ||
| I mean, if we're not having those jobs, and we're all working at Walmart, making like $7 an hour, we can't afford to buy a, you know, $150 phone or something like that. | ||
| Did you eat any wacky shit when you were in China? | ||
| Did you eat any bugs or anything? | ||
| No, they had squirrel at one of the restaurants. | ||
| I just didn't want to eat it. | ||
| Do you have any Chinese chicks? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Did you sleep with any of them? | ||
| No, I banged an Israeli chick. | ||
| In China? | ||
| Yeah, great. | ||
| In China, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was she doing over there? | ||
| She was working for some company, and she had a business over there. | ||
| People go over there. | ||
| It's like the Wild West. | ||
| They're moving there. | ||
| They're trying to set up businesses. | ||
| It's awesome, though, man. | ||
| But what they did in China, someone was just telling me. | ||
| I think there's something badass about that. | ||
| But moving to another country... | ||
| It's wild west, bro. | ||
| Well, it's like your reality just completely shifted. | ||
| You know, even moving to fucking Hawaii is kind of crazy, you know? | ||
| But goddamn, man, moving to China? | ||
| Dude, I had the best time. | ||
| And the driving is crazy. | ||
| They'll turn anything into a car. | ||
| They're totally racist, the Chinese. | ||
| They don't give a shit. | ||
| They're totally racist. | ||
| When I was there, I had a full beard... | ||
| I look Middle Eastern. | ||
| They don't like Middle Easterns because they think they're all drug dealers there. | ||
| So I couldn't get a car sometimes, a taxi. | ||
| So the only guy that would pick us up one time was this dude who drove what looked like they took a hot dog vending machine and turned it into a car. | ||
| And it literally had like the most jankiest, like shift-changing device. | ||
| And you'll never scream more in your life like a little girl than when you drive through China, through Beijing or Shanghai because they don't follow the lights. | ||
| I've seen so many Chinese traffic accidents online. | ||
| You don't have to convince me. | ||
| I've seen people get run over by cars in China. | ||
| Oh, what about that little girl? | ||
| I couldn't watch it. | ||
| I couldn't watch it. | ||
| It just makes me sad. | ||
| That's an overpopulation thing, man. | ||
| It's just like they've done population density studies on rats, and the same thing happens. | ||
| You get too many of them in one place, and they devalue each other. | ||
| That's what's going on, man. | ||
| You can't jam that many fucking human beings into one spot and expect everybody to think that everybody's precious. | ||
| Because these precious things are in my fucking way. | ||
| So no one cares, man. | ||
| Yeah, I remember reading that in college, man. | ||
| They started running in gangs. | ||
| It got really shady. | ||
| Rats just with mental problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, some of them huddle in the corner. | ||
| The rats, they would huddle in the corner and just rock themselves back and forth, back and forth. | ||
| Just going nuts, man. | ||
| You know, you look at some human behavior and you've got to go, God damn, how the fuck can we ever prevent this? | ||
| What the hell happened here? | ||
| What is this discovery? | ||
| I tweeted this video about this woman who was a pioneer in scat porn. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| And if you read my tweets, read it, but don't click on the link. | ||
| There's a link. | ||
| She's a pioneer by choice? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| She's one of the first. | ||
| Well, she's an expert at it. | ||
| That's what she does. | ||
| But she eats shit. | ||
| She eats it and swallows it. | ||
| And she was talking about how she loves being stuffed with shit. | ||
| Dude, it's dark. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, I want to interview those people. | ||
| She's in German. | ||
| She speaks German. | ||
| I would love to interview those people. | ||
| Dude, she has a website. | ||
| Somebody tweeted the website, so I retweeted it. | ||
| If you see the retweet, don't click it. | ||
| I'm telling you right now, don't do it. | ||
| Because this woman is just smeared in shit in these videos. | ||
| And she has people shit in her mouth, and she chews it and swallows it. | ||
| And they asked her, how much shit do you think you've eaten over the course of your life? | ||
| She's like, oh, several bathtubs full. | ||
| Well, what about the guy who used to go on Sterner to get thrown up on? | ||
| That's nothing, dude. | ||
| See, this bitch is eating bathtubs full of human shit. | ||
| Someone likes to get thrown up on him? | ||
| Is that worse to you, then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Way worse. | ||
| Shit's worse than throw up? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| They're both equally bad. | ||
| No. | ||
| Shit's way worse than throw up. | ||
| When we did Opie and Anthony, we were there for the infamous Baby Bird. | ||
| It was me and Ari were there. | ||
| You weren't there for Baby Bird. | ||
| When the guy threw up at the guy's mouth. | ||
| This fucking dude... | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| That's right there, bro. | ||
| Pat from Wynaki. | ||
| No, not Pat. | ||
| Yeah, Pat from Wynaki, but the other guy. | ||
| Smith. | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Pat Duffy. | ||
| Pat Duffy was the other guy who let them throw up in his mouth. | ||
| So there was an eggnog eating contest, and I don't remember how many shots he had, but it was something insane. | ||
| Almost a gallon. | ||
| I think the human body can only have a gallon of milk or two gallons. | ||
| It was like 70 shots or something like that. | ||
| Oh, that is horrible. | ||
| Something insane. | ||
| So anyway, he does that and then we were trying to figure out what to do because he knew he was going to throw up. | ||
| And then we suggested that one of the interns lean his head over the dumpster, over the garbage bucket and open his mouth and let the dude throw up in his mouth like a baby bird feeding him. | ||
| Getting fed by his blood. | ||
| That guy's now, where is he? | ||
| Where is that guy right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| He did a bunch of other shit too. | ||
| He brushed his teeth with dog shit. | ||
| You're all in in that Opie and Anthony world at that point. | ||
| That's where you're going to be working. | ||
| It's like the girl who got shit on. | ||
| It's going to be hard for her. | ||
| She didn't choose to get shit on. | ||
| Yeah, but she's still going to be the girl he got shit on. | ||
| That's why it's so tragic. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not the same as this Pat Duffy guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy is crazy. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Where do you go if you're Pat Duffy? | ||
| Well, there's those guys out there, man. | ||
| There's those guys out there that will rhyme to me. | ||
| Poop me on fucking Fear Factor, bro. | ||
| Eat anything. | ||
| You know, there's a few of those guys that just, they're willing to do it. | ||
| Look, jackass guys. | ||
| They're willing to do anything for the joke, you know? | ||
| Dude, fucking Johnny Knoxville stood in front of a bull with a blindfold on. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| He really did that. | ||
| He's a goddamn movie star. | ||
| Okay, he was in a movie with The Rock. | ||
| This guy stood in front of a bull with a blindfold on and let that bull launch him through the air like a sheet. | ||
| Steve-O did the last movie completely sober because I knew back in the day they were popping vikes and just bang killers so they couldn't feel. | ||
| He did this one completely sober. | ||
| I'm like, that's some crazy ass shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It's horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he broke his nose on the roast. | ||
| Yeah, he ran into Mike Tyson's fist. | ||
| He's the nicest guy, man. | ||
| I just feel like... | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| That's his thing? | ||
| To let Mike Tyson break his nose? | ||
| Well, his whole thing is he does stunts. | ||
| That's not a stunt, dude. | ||
| A stunt is like... | ||
| It's like cutting yourself with Mike Tyson's fist. | ||
| Yeah, you jump a motorcycle and you land it and everybody cheers. | ||
| That's not a stunt. | ||
| That's like saying, "I'm going to drive my motorcycle into a wall." It's a stunt. | ||
| That's not a stunt. | ||
| You're crashing. | ||
| You're hurting yourself on purpose. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Yeah, on my Spike show. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I've been driving. | ||
| That was a fun show, right? | ||
| It was you, Kit Cope, and Ellis? | ||
| Yeah, Jason Ellis. | ||
| What did you guys do? | ||
| Just did wacky, jackass-type shit? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, later on, because I never really watched Jackass, but later on I watched the show, I'm like, oh, they got that from that. | ||
| It was kind of like Tosh.0 meets Jackass. | ||
| That was the premise of the show. | ||
| Yeah, I did some crazy shit, man. | ||
| The worst thing was we had to make a sandwich. | ||
| Why the other guys were like... | ||
| Eight feet away with paintball guns and we had nothing on and we were just getting shot by paintball guns. | ||
| And I would feel bad and I would like do it slowly. | ||
| Those guys didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They were vicious. | ||
| They were savage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | |
| I'm getting nailed. | ||
| It was the first time I wanted to quit the show. | ||
| I was like, I'm done, dude. | ||
| Fuck this show. | ||
| I never want to do this. | ||
| I didn't even know we were doing stunts on the show. | ||
| I just thought I got hired to talk shit about videos. | ||
| And that's what I'm good at. | ||
| When did the stunts become a part of the show? | ||
| Well, the next day, I show up, they're like, okay, you got the gig. | ||
| I'm like, oh, cool, that's great. | ||
| Fuck, I got to show on Spike. | ||
| I show up, they go, here's what you're going to be doing. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Because they didn't ever mention that in the audition, and I got it through going with Steve Byrne. | ||
| He never mentioned that. | ||
| And you can't say no. | ||
| Well, yeah, I need to get on television at that point. | ||
| You know, so it's like, fuck it. | ||
| That's how you felt? | ||
| You felt like you had to say yes, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're too close. | ||
| I loved Spike. | ||
| It was a cool channel. | ||
| Yeah, but you didn't want to do it, right? | ||
| You didn't want to do it. | ||
| You didn't think that's what you were going to do. | ||
| But once you got there, you're like, God damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| I was headlining clubs when I got it. | ||
| Did it make a big difference? | ||
| It did. | ||
| Clubs and shit like that? | ||
| Yeah, I was headlining clubs. | ||
| So did you ever try to do something else like that again? | ||
| I would never do a stunt show again. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when it was canceled, you were happy? | ||
| Even though you were off TV, you were happy? | ||
| No, I wasn't happy. | ||
| So you would do it again? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| If they continued, then I would have done it, but I wouldn't do it. | ||
| Now, if they call me back, hey, we're going to do another show, I wouldn't do it. | ||
| Have you seen shock fights? | ||
| Jason Ellis' thing? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is some shit. | ||
| I don't know where the fuck it's happening. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It looks like it's in Cuba. | ||
| I don't know who came up with this, but there's these guys in a ring, and they have fucking fists. | ||
| They have things on their fists that are electrocuting each other, like tasers on their knuckles, but they're punching each other with tasers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| A guy knocks a guy out with a fucking taser on his hand. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| They're throwing kicks and they're stopping each other on the ground. | ||
| See what Ellis does? | ||
| Yeah, he wears dog collars. | ||
| And he has the crowd just... | ||
| Yeah, zaps him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just... | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's willing to do some stuff that I don't understand. | ||
| But this shock fights is like, man, how far are we from throwing a dude with a sword into an arena with a lion? | ||
| How far away is that? | ||
| I'm sure in third world countries it's going to happen sooner than you think. | ||
| Because there was a thing where a guy was going to have a fucking sword fight. | ||
| I think, was a guy going to fight a lion? | ||
| It was a Greek guy or something like that? | ||
| I forget what the whole story was. | ||
| But I remember this thing. | ||
| It was either a sword fight or he was going to fight a wild animal or something like that. | ||
| But I remember thinking, like, okay, this is how it starts. | ||
| Because it starts where people hear about it on the internet, and then they go, oh, okay. | ||
| And then somewhere, wherever the fuck it is, where life's not that expensive, hi, Tijuana, you know, somewhere along those lines, they set up an arena, and they just say, well, instead of bullfights, now we're going to have people wearing armor, and they're going to fight lions. | ||
| And I'm rooting for the lion every time. | ||
| Wow, maybe. | ||
| How do you not root for the lion? | ||
| Maybe the guy has children he can't feed, and he's fucking willing to get in there with the lion. | ||
| But the lion has no choice in being there. | ||
| I mean, the guy has a choice, but I still root for the person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm rooting for the lion. | |
| I'm on team people, bitch! | ||
| I'm on team lion, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I have to, man. | ||
| The lion's not choosing to be there. | ||
| He's not, but he's going to kill the person. | ||
| It's not like the person... | ||
| Well, how's that any different than the killer whale? | ||
| Lions are dumb. | ||
| Lions aren't smart. | ||
| It's not that much different, but lions are just fucking there to remove shit. | ||
| So it's mental capacity and whether it's going to be a crime or not? | ||
| Not only that, I feel like lions are part of our domain. | ||
| Whereas killer whales, we have to go into their world and pull them out of their world. | ||
| They don't interact with us on a regular basis unless we get on boats and enter into their world. | ||
| Lions, on the other hand, you're in Africa. | ||
| A friend of mine was in Africa, and while he was there, some guy got killed. | ||
| It came into the camp. | ||
| It came into the camp. | ||
| The lion came into the camp while the dude was in the fucking shower and dragged him out of the shower. | ||
| Two female lions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What? | ||
| So lions can suck my dick, okay? | ||
| Lions can go fuck themselves. | ||
| But there's a killer whale, like guys surfing, kill whale comes up and whoops some ass. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| No one's been killed by a killer whale. | ||
| Not only that, not only that, they help people. | ||
| They've actually saved people when they're drowning. | ||
| Killer whales aren't sharks. | ||
| If it's sharks, I can see your point. | ||
| Sharks can suck my dick. | ||
| You can take a shark and throw it in a fish tank all day long. | ||
| I don't have a feeling for a shark. | ||
| But killer whales are super intelligent. | ||
| And they save people. | ||
| But I think that when you're... | ||
| I'm not saying you should have Christians versus the lions. | ||
| I'm not saying you should fucking arm dudes and send them in and have a sword fight with the lions. | ||
| But I am saying if it goes down, I'm rooting for the fucking person. | ||
| I think, I want to know, can you kill a lion with a sword? | ||
| Can you be armored up and kill a fucking lion with nothing but a sword? | ||
| And if that guy can do it, good for him, man. | ||
| You might not be able to. | ||
| You might not be able to. | ||
| A lion might just jack you every time. | ||
| If you want two dudes from death row fighting to the death, I'm fine with that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just fighting an animal? | ||
| I just don't, you know, it's like, I get like... | ||
| Well, I don't think you should do it. | ||
| But if you do do it, I'm rooting for the person. | ||
| Alright, and then we'll put 20 bucks and I'm always going for the lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I'm always going for the lion too. | ||
| Why is that, Brian? | ||
| Same exact reasons. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| But what if you found out the guy was, like, super poor? | ||
| Do you have a black eye, Brian? | ||
| No, I just no sleep. | ||
| Why is it black? | ||
| It looks under that thing like you just got rocked in your eyeball. | ||
| That's the hiv. | ||
| It's coming out of his eyeballs. | ||
| Yeah, it's coming out. | ||
| It's all right, dude. | ||
| You had fun while I last... | ||
| Yeah, but I agree with Sam on that. | ||
| I think even if they showed me the story of this poor, sad guy, he has a choice. | ||
| Yeah, he has a choice to fuck that lion up, but I'm rooting for him. | ||
| And we might not interfere with whales because we haven't moved there yet, but if you went back, Thousands, thousands of years, we're in lion territory right now. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I mean, there were some sort of big cats here. | ||
| Sabertooth tigers, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think there was lions. | ||
| Well, actually, there was. | ||
| There was a North American lion a long, long fucking time ago. | ||
| Now, if a man's walking through a jungle and a lion comes, I'm rooting for the guy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm rooting for the guy. | ||
| But when you grab the lion, you have very specific rules. | ||
| Yeah, if you're forcing a lion to be there with no choice... | ||
| Where it's not naturally going to be there and it could die because you're trying to make 20. It's like why people didn't like dog fighting. | ||
| It's like, you know, especially when you have a dog. | ||
| Like I said, dude, I'm not saying you should do it. | ||
| But I'm saying if you do do it, I'm going to root for you. | ||
| I'll smack an animal though. | ||
| Not hurt it though. | ||
| Just like a little smack. | ||
| Well, you got discipline. | ||
| Your dog. | ||
| Will you slap a hippo? | ||
| Did you see that woman has like a hippo for a pet? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read some article on it. | ||
| She has a hippo for a pet. | ||
| It's going to come and get you. | ||
| It's eventually going to turn on you. | ||
| Is it a male? | ||
| I didn't read whether it was a male. | ||
| Maybe if it's a female, she can keep it together for a little while. | ||
| If it's a male, it's going to be biting people in half. | ||
| They bite crocodiles in half, dude. | ||
| Yep, I'm not going to say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| I'm not going to say it, dude. | ||
| What happened, Sam? | ||
| Why is this 100%? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm just agreeing with you. | ||
| What'd you get on your test, Sammy? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You A-plus student. | ||
| No, far from it. | ||
| So this weekend, you're in La Jolla. | ||
| If people want to go see you at the comedy store in La Jolla, who do you work with down there? | ||
| I'm working with Steve Simone. | ||
| Ah, beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, and Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, guys. | |
| They just had a couple gigs fall out. | ||
| I was supposed to be in sale, but then I'm going to be December 1st. | ||
| We're going to have the Naughty Show at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Think Joe Rogan should make a return? | ||
| Can't go. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| We can do it! | ||
| Good luck in Satan's asshole. | ||
| You can do it! | ||
| Yeah, I could do it, but I'm not going to. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| You won. | ||
| I don't ever need to go back to that place. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| There's no win contest. | ||
| What won is the art form of comedy won, but the comedy store absolutely fucking picked the wrong side. | ||
| So they can go fuck themselves forever. | ||
| They're all fucked up. | ||
| Like the Laugh Factory, that place is... | ||
| You have a problem with that place? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| They're doing naughty comedy now. | ||
| The improv's awesome. | ||
| I love the improv. | ||
| When I started going over the improv, I felt like it was better for my act anyway. | ||
| I feel like the comedy store is so dark and angry that I think a lot of that shaped my material. | ||
| It's changed, bro. | ||
| Has it really? | ||
| And I don't mean that to be like, it's different. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| You leaving, it changed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, now it's much like... | ||
| More depressing. | ||
| Yeah, I mean like it's not the same as it used to be. | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| I think it's like the acts aren't, you know, I used to watch, you know, monsters on stage and just guys who were like, fuck, man, I don't see that as much anymore. | ||
| It's not what it used to be. | ||
| There's a couple young guys I think are bringing it, but it's not, you know, it's like now it's TV credit land. | ||
| How did it make that change? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think it's weird how they use the same people over and over again. | ||
| Well, that was something that changed, too. | ||
| But now they've definitely opened the door. | ||
| It just seems like I've gone there on some nights where these people are in the main room at 8 o'clock on a Wednesday or Thursday or whatever. | ||
| And I was like, this person sucks so bad, he shouldn't even be in the belly room. | ||
| He's in the main stage? | ||
| Really? | ||
| The problem is that... | ||
| What made that place great, and it was never perfect, but what made it great was that you could be somebody who was an unknown and you could get up on stage there and start honing your craft. | ||
| Those days are done. | ||
| There's certain things going on there where apparently if you're on Chelsea lately... | ||
| You know, that's a sign that you've arrived, and you see a lot of people who do that panel now in the lineup, and that's a great show, and she's done great for blowing up some of my friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to crush in that OR, which has its own voodoo, you know? | ||
| Well, there's nothing wrong with putting people that are coming up, but you've got to put them in between some really good talent, and the problem is they have some talent that really doesn't work anywhere else. | ||
| They have some people there that can't get spots anywhere, but they're grandfathered in somehow, and they've got jokes that are literally 30 years old. | ||
| I mean, there's some people that tell some jokes, and you haven't seen them in a decade, and then they'll go through, they act the same fucking way. | ||
| And you know they don't get that many spots, because there's a gang of them, so they don't put them up every week, but they'll put them up every few weeks, or every three or four weeks, and you would sit there, and you'd see them, and some of them would be bitter and shit, and thinking there's something wrong with these young kids, and they suck, and our generation was better, and you're like, God, you're not even really a fucking comedian. | ||
| Do you understand this? | ||
| Yeah, I do see that. | ||
| I see that a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so weird, too. | |
| Like, all the waitresses. | ||
| It used to be waitresses. | ||
| You know, only girls. | ||
| Waitresses. | ||
| Now there's girls and guys. | ||
| It's just like the whole thing is different now. | ||
| But the waitresses are hot, dude. | ||
| The gay guys want some candy, too. | ||
| They want some candy, too, bro. | ||
| Gay guys want candy. | ||
| Yeah, why don't you have gay guys have waiters while you can look at the waitress? | ||
| Do you have to fuck them all, Brian? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Brian, have you tried to fuck any of the waitresses? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Brian is in a committed relationship sort of kind of right now. | ||
| How's that going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Is it all working out? | ||
| She's a very nice girl. | ||
| She's a very nice girl. | ||
| I have not even been home in two days. | ||
| Because you're setting up that place? | ||
| Studio, yeah. | ||
| For the last three days straight. | ||
| Why didn't you come and crash at your pad? | ||
| I crashed up in the studio. | ||
| You slept there? | ||
| Why didn't you come over? | ||
| I took naps there for like an hour or two and then I'd wake up and... | ||
| Is Jaden Cole back-dooring you? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Is Jaden Cole back-dooring you? | ||
| Back-dooring. | ||
| Trying to steal your chick? | ||
| Sam Tripoli is so deep, deep in the world of porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not really. | ||
| You say the full name as if everybody knows. | ||
| Well, he knows her. | ||
| Yeah, he knows, but there's 500,000 people that don't. | ||
| But you, you're so deep into the world of porn, you just go with it. | ||
| You just go with it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, who knows more porn stars than you? | ||
| You're in that world, bro. | ||
| People think I'm the porn whisperer. | ||
| I'm really not. | ||
| You're not? | ||
| I'm not really. | ||
| You know a lot of them, man. | ||
| You get them to come on your Naughty Shows all the time. | ||
| I do know that. | ||
| And if anybody's never seen the Naughty Show, what's the website? | ||
| Well, it's coming back up. | ||
| It's being redesigned right now, but it's thenaughtycomedyshow.com. | ||
| The best way to get a hold of you is what? | ||
| Sam Tripoli on Twitter? | ||
| Twitter, Sam Tripoli on Facebook, or my email. | ||
| Those are fun shows. | ||
| He's got a bunch of really good comedians, but he's also got video clips, and they do games, they fuck around with the audience, and they always have porn stars who do things. | ||
| I don't know what they do. | ||
| They make appearances. | ||
| They show up, and you know what, man? | ||
| I know it sounds crazy, and they are who they are, but at the end of the day, they're really not that different than comedians. | ||
| If you really sat down and you had a conversation, you'd be like, wow, that's exactly what comedians do. | ||
| They just have something that's kind of more taboo in society than guys. | ||
| Most of them are just straight business people. | ||
| A lot of them are. | ||
| Well, that's sort of how they justify doing it, too. | ||
| They sort of go into this business mode. | ||
| And that always weirds me out. | ||
| Like, there's two types of porn stars. | ||
| There's like the flighty, doesn't know any better, super hot porn star that just gets work because she's hot. | ||
| And then there's this super ambitious career woman porn star. | ||
| Yeah, those kind of... | ||
| Those kind of get me in a weird way. | ||
| I'm like, wow, this is a strange animal. | ||
| This person is working hard to create all this porn and they're real focused. | ||
| If you can blow up and you think podcasting is saturated, porn is saturated. | ||
| Everybody's a porn star. | ||
| Nobody's making money in it. | ||
| How many porn stars are there? | ||
| One out of seven now, I think. | ||
| There's more porn stars than comedians in LA. I wouldn't doubt it. | ||
| Just the camming thing alone, when you find out that... | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| I don't know if you knew this. | ||
| If you're 18 years old and you need money, there is a way to block the whole state you live in. | ||
| If you live in California, you block California. | ||
| And you can block certain cities and then you can cam where you can make like fucking whatever, $5 a minute, $10 a minute. | ||
| They have these things where you have like 20 people in the same room and they're all chipping in more and more for you to stay in these rooms. | ||
| And these girls are making thousands a night from just sitting on their fucking ass masturbating and doing nothing but that. | ||
| It's basically taking advantage of the whole primal, caveman, girl, female relationship. | ||
| It's like when you go to a strip club and the stripper makes eye contact. | ||
| She does all the stuff That if you're at a normal club, that lets a girl know she's interested in you. | ||
| So you make moves. | ||
| So they do all that. | ||
| They trick you into all that shit. | ||
| And all they want you to do is buy lap dances from them. | ||
| Well, that's the weirdest thing about strip clubs is that the roles are reversed. | ||
| And men who have never been or don't usually go, they don't know how to deal with it. | ||
| You get there and all of a sudden the women are pursuing you and they're super aggressive about it. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| You want to what? | ||
| You want to dance? | ||
| So for a lot of guys, they just melt and fall into it. | ||
| And next thing you know, they're broke. | ||
| Because the whole dynamic has just been shifted and they don't understand. | ||
| They haven't built up a resistance for it. | ||
| They don't have the immune system for a strip club. | ||
| You have to have a social immune system. | ||
| That's the whole thing about the Naughty Show. | ||
| I like to explore that side of the world. | ||
| It's not just sexual either. | ||
| I like the crazier side of life. | ||
| And just like what makes everybody different and the stuff that everybody does in the shadows, it's like a lot of people are doing it. | ||
| Why isn't anyone talking about it? | ||
| I don't like sex out in the open. | ||
| I don't think porn stars should be like Oscar award winners. | ||
| I think everybody has their place, but I don't think it's something you should have to be ashamed of where someone finds something out about you And now you're like, the town like... | ||
| Well, you're just so used to it. | ||
| To most men, the last thing they want is evidence that their woman has fucked some other dude. | ||
| Not just fucked some other dude, but he went ass-to-mouth on her and shot a load up her nose. | ||
| Well, that's a whole different thing. | ||
| You're talking about guys who date porn stars? | ||
| No, I'm just saying that you don't judge them. | ||
| If you don't judge them, or if you met a girl and then she wanted a date and you found out that she was a porn star, fuck yeah, you judge her. | ||
| Well, that's not what you're into. | ||
| Yeah, if you're not into it, you're like, fuck yeah, but that's nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think you could do it? | |
| Could I date a porn star? | ||
| It depends on the porn star. | ||
| Then what she did. | ||
| So stupid hot. | ||
| It depends on what she did. | ||
| What if she came home smelling like loads? | ||
| No, then I couldn't do that. | ||
| But, you know, he dates a girl who does lesbian porn. | ||
| Lesbo stuff's okay, right? | ||
| Which is a weird thing. | ||
| But I could also see where some like Aiden who's married to Belladonna, he's cool with watching her just get... | ||
| I don't think she does it anymore, but she's just getting rocked by brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think it's ever cool. | |
| I think even the guys that say it's not cool is still... | ||
| I think there's guys who are into that. | ||
| You mean the guys who say it is cool, it's not cool. | ||
| There are guys that are into it. | ||
| I'm not saying everybody's into it. | ||
| I'm not even saying it's normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think people evolve. | |
| People evolve, man. | ||
| And sometimes they just... | ||
| Look, when guys go to prison, they all of a sudden develop a desire to fuck men. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they evolve. | ||
| They adapt. | ||
| They adapt to this fucked up environment. | ||
| And if the only way you can get a chick like Belladonna is to let black guys come in her ass, you go, alright, let's do this. | ||
| Yeah, but that's from your perspective. | ||
| I totally understand. | ||
| But he may be into that. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Could be, yes. | ||
| But could be that's the only way it's going to work. | ||
| Cockholding has been around forever. | ||
| Yeah, it's true too. | ||
| And there's guys who just enjoy watching their girls get rocked. | ||
| By monsters! | ||
| A buddy of mine said that he met this girl at a party and she was really hot and she was coming on to him and then all of a sudden this dude came over and introduced himself as the husband and the guy's like, oh, what the fuck? | ||
| And the guy was like, no, man, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. | ||
| We swing. | ||
| It's cool, it's cool. | ||
| And he was like, oh, wow. | ||
| He goes, if I didn't have a couple drinks with me, I would have never done this. | ||
| But then the next thing you know, they're in this outside patio and this chick is blowing him while the husband gives instructions. | ||
| The husband was giving instructions while his wife is sucking... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, maybe this guy's black too. | ||
| Maybe it's just a thing that happens with black guys and white women and white husbands. | ||
| Zorba, this comedian, told me that. | ||
| The cuck-holding thing, a lot of the issue is black men and white guys. | ||
| White guys like black men to fuck their wives. | ||
| Because they think it's like this really degrading kind of thing. | ||
| Like sexually, they're like, ooh, that's so dirty, you know? | ||
| Yeah, he was like saying, okay, make him cum, make him cum, make him cum in your mouth. | ||
| And he's like, he goes, part of me just wanted to get up and run away, but it was too late because I was drunk and this girl was already blowing me. | ||
| And he goes, and the girl was hot. | ||
| If the girl wasn't hot, he would have just given up. | ||
| But it was just one of those, like, what am I doing? | ||
| The guy's like, rub his balls, rub his balls. | ||
| And he's like, I got this, dude. | ||
| You know, I'm good. | ||
| We don't need your help. | ||
| We don't need your help. | ||
| She can blow me, but you can't talk. | ||
| Back when I lived in Vegas, I was at this one casino and they tried to pick me up. | ||
| They were swingers. | ||
| They're like, hey, what's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| This girl's hitting on me. | ||
| Was she hot? | ||
| Yeah, she was Vegas hot. | ||
| Dirty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Slutty. | ||
| Back then, I loved that shit. | ||
| Well, now I love that shit. | ||
| What am I talking about? | ||
| Back then, I loved it. | ||
| I'm not judging it. | ||
| Now I'm into, like, librarians. | ||
| I'm into whatever, brother. | ||
| So, yeah, and I'm like, what are you going to do, coach? | ||
| Are you going to sit in the corner yelling out plays? | ||
| I can handle that shit. | ||
| It'd just be weird to hump while somebody else is watching. | ||
| You could handle that if a guy was doing that? | ||
| No, I couldn't. | ||
| Couldn't, yeah. | ||
| But I've had threesomes where it's like the devil threesome, where it's like you and your buddy railing a chick. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a buddy. | ||
| That's not a girl's husband, rather. | ||
| Yeah, he's not sitting there judging and giving me scores and calling out plays. | ||
| I just think the moment you come, you would just want to run away so badly. | ||
| The post-nut syndrome effect would be so hard. | ||
| The depression that must just set in. | ||
| Women will never understand this, but there's many times in a man's life where your dick will convince you that this is what you should be doing. | ||
| And then you know that she's kind of gross, or you're kind of gross, or the situation's gross, or she shouldn't be doing it, but somehow you're like, yeah, let's just fucking do this. | ||
| And then when you come, the realization that you've been tricked, there's nothing in the world like it. | ||
| It's a terrifying feeling. | ||
| It's like all of a sudden you have woken up in the middle of a reality that you've created while you were under a trance. | ||
| It's like Quantum Leap? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just like, okay, what's the situation here? | ||
| What did I just do? | ||
| Well, it's like you wake up for a... | ||
| You know, I do a bit about it, how you like... | ||
| It's like you're... | ||
| Normally, you're driving your life until you have a hard-on, and then when you have a hard-on, it's like you're sitting in the back seat of a really long bus, and some other dude is driving it. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| And you're like, where did we go? | ||
| What the fuck are we doing? | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| And then when you come, all of a sudden, you wake up, and you're at the front of the bus holding the wheel again. | ||
| You're like, oh, okay. | ||
| Now I've got to get myself out of this fucking mess? | ||
| You got me in here, you dick. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Oh, God, there it went. | ||
| I said it again. | ||
| You did say it again. | ||
| Hurry up back, Brian. | ||
| We're going to wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Where are you going, Brian? | ||
| He's got a little girl's bladder. | ||
| He's got a little girl's bladder. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Brian, he's such an interesting cat, isn't he? | ||
| He is. | ||
| He'll just tell you he can't follow things. | ||
| He does it, and it's very interesting. | ||
| We have a podcast. | ||
| I know how excited Brian is about the guest by how interactive he is. | ||
| If he's not talking to the guest, which makes me nervous right now because he hasn't talked at all while I've been here, but... | ||
| We've both been chatting up a storm. | ||
| Yeah, we're too chatty Cathy's here, but... | ||
| It's like, he just sits there quietly. | ||
| It's like, come on, be interactive with me, dude. | ||
| And he's like, no, I always gotta have a girl. | ||
| It's almost like I gotta bring meat to a beast. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I always gotta have a girl in the room. | ||
| And when you bring a girl, then he's more interactive. | ||
| Oh, you can tell if he likes the porn star. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He won't even let me talk. | ||
| He cuts me off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He starts running the interview. | |
| This is why Brian is so fucking interested in podcasting. | ||
| It's because all of a sudden it's put him in contact with all these freaks. | ||
| Do you remember when I did... | ||
| It's got a steady supply. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even though I met... | |
| Even though I met both of the girls I've dated off the podcast. | ||
| Sort of, but you met the first one through comedy. | ||
| Do you remember when I did your podcast the first time and he was talking about how I thought podcasting was a new casting couch? | ||
| And we both laughed at him, and then it's true. | ||
| It's like, you know, you can work that to get some chicks. | ||
| Well, that's the thing about a lot of porn stars. | ||
| They're looking to promote their shit. | ||
| They're looking to promote, like, weekends at clubs, just like a comedian is. | ||
| You know, when they go on the road, like, Brian went on the road with this girl, and he's like, it's just like a comic. | ||
| Like, you go and you have shows, and, you know, you get paid, and the club owner's kind of a dick. | ||
| It's like all the same shit. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| The first date of dating a porn star usually goes, so do you have any HTML skills? | ||
| What they say to you? | ||
| They try to get you to do their websites? | ||
| Do they both try to get you to do their websites? | ||
| Neither of them. | ||
| I've always found that the most successful girls have somebody in their life who runs all that stuff. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They take some guy who they know is not going anywhere and that guy will start managing them and taking them on the road and be their bodyguard and hold their money and make sure the guys can't finger them while they're up there sticking their asshole in the face. | ||
| Because that's what it is. | ||
| So Brian had to go, hey, no fingering, guys. | ||
| Hey, guys, get out of there. | ||
| Come on with your dirty fingernails in your butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Those are freckles. | ||
| This weekend, this Friday night, it will be me and Duncan at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. | ||
| There's two shows, 7 and 9.30. | ||
| Yeah, 7? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| But that's how they roll in Hermosa Beach. | ||
| Bedroom community. | ||
| My buddy wants to get you out in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Where's Santa Barbara? | ||
| What does he got up there? | ||
| Oh yeah, that's pretty nice. | ||
| He's got a couple clubs. | ||
| Clubs? | ||
| Comedy clubs? | ||
| No, like one's a rock club and another one's a theater. | ||
| He's always, you know, he wanted to hit up your agent and try to see if he can get you out there. | ||
| Alright, yeah, give me his information. | ||
| Yeah, I'll go to Santa Barbara. | ||
| It's not that far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| I'll do that. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| That's no further for me than Ontario. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll go that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Santa Barbara's great. | |
| It's just the opposite way. | ||
| Yeah, Santa Barbara's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some incredible houses out there, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You see all those ones that burn down, like the dude from Back to the Future, the old guy, the professor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| His house burnt down out there. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah, they have these giant mansions out there, and the fire's just cut through a whole neighborhood. | ||
| That's crazy shit when you realize that fire can do that. | ||
| And there's three colleges out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's quite a few, yeah. | ||
| There's like three top-end colleges. | ||
| One of them had like the highest rate of STDs of any college in the country. | ||
| The highest rate of STDs of any in the country? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you know they party. | ||
| It's warm out. | ||
| It's warm out. | ||
| People fuck more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| They get fucking bushes and outside. | ||
| I mean, in college. | ||
| Remember when you were in college, you're just like, just tapping ass left and right. | ||
| And you're like, it's always going to be like this. | ||
| At some point, you're like, oh, it's not. | ||
| I didn't go to waiver college. | ||
| I went to a college in Boston so that I could still train and compete in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| So I stayed for the first couple of years. | ||
| I was at home still until I was 20. When I was 20, I moved out. | ||
| And when I would go to school, I would just go to school for the day and then leave. | ||
| I had no school interaction. | ||
| I didn't go to parties. | ||
| I didn't get late in college at all. | ||
| Did you get late in high school? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| College is the biggest drought of my sexual career ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I was most insecure in college, too. | ||
| Because then I was making this transition from being this person who concentrated on only martial arts my entire life. | ||
| Literally, barely paid attention to school. | ||
| So all of a sudden... | ||
| You know, becoming like 18, 19, out in the real world and going, how the fuck am I going to support myself? | ||
| I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, and I had my own school in Revere, but I was like, what am I going to do? | ||
| Am I going to just do this for the rest of my life? | ||
| Because this is not really what I want to do. | ||
| I want to compete, but there's no money in competing. | ||
| And then you start thinking about brain damage and all sorts of other things, and I was like, god damn, I might become a loser. | ||
| I had no definitive direction until I went into stand-up. | ||
| I was just competing and then worrying about shit. | ||
| From the time I was, like, 19, I had started to realize, like, maybe this is, like, a dead-end route. | ||
| Like, where am I going with this? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Also, when I was 19, I had seen some of the worst knockouts around that age. | ||
| I had seen some bad head-kick knockouts where I was like, whoa, like, what if that's me? | ||
| You know, what if that happens to me? | ||
| Yeah, go flatline. | ||
| Dude, I saw a lot of guys get kicked in the head, man. | ||
| A lot of guys get seriously flatlined. | ||
| Just like that dude in the subway where the guy sucker punches him. | ||
| I've seen a lot of that. | ||
| When you get kicked, like Taekwondo kicks to the head. | ||
| They don't land that often, but man, when they land, it's like getting hit with a bat. | ||
| There's a video on this website that's really cool called barstoolsports.com. | ||
| It's just a fun sports website. | ||
| They show these guys MMA fighting in their living room. | ||
| The first time they fight, the one guy taps. | ||
| The second one, they're fighting in the living room. | ||
| The dude just head kicks him. | ||
| The guy just goes down, hits his head basically on the marble of the floor. | ||
| The fireplace. | ||
| I'm like, ooh, lights out. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| See, I didn't get late in high school, but then I went to college and it was just insanity. | ||
| I'm sure if I'd went to a college, if I'd actually gone away somewhere. | ||
| I went to UNLV. Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I can even pretend you're going to learn anything in Vegas. | ||
| I didn't, dude. | ||
| I admit it. | ||
| I moved there. | ||
| I wanted to do stand-up. | ||
| Was there a lot of drugs? | ||
| You know, I didn't really get into anything like that until later. | ||
| Vegas has a real drug problem, right? | ||
| Yeah, but this was a different Vegas, man. | ||
| I know it sounds crazy. | ||
| Sinatra was alive. | ||
| You know how there was the mob Vegas? | ||
| I was out there kind of during the family-friendly Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, that happened for a little while, right? | ||
| Yeah, and then when I left, then it became MMA, you know, Terror Dome Vegas that is like just, you know, where they're like, screw it, we're just the party destination. | ||
| How do you think they made that decision? | ||
| You were living there. | ||
| The family wasn't making as much money. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| No, this one comic friend's name used to have a joke about, you know, you don't take a hooker to Disneyland. | ||
| It's just like, why would you make Vegas a family destination? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just a place where, you know, it was just... | ||
| Yeah, what's there for the kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, at one point there was like Treasure Rock, like Circus Circus had this huge like park and then the MGM Grand tried to create a park. | ||
| It's just like you're not going to bring your kids where there's gambling. | ||
| It sounds like a good idea. | ||
| People do. | ||
| People do all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but not like what they were hoping. | ||
| They were hoping to pull from Orlando. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, oh, fuck Orlando. | ||
| Let's go to Vegas. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's never going to happen, man. | ||
| It's interesting what a bunch of different metamorphoses have gone on, you know? | ||
| And now it's kind of like it's in a different place. | ||
| It's like Vegas is broke. | ||
| Is that what it is now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| It's so slow and dead. | ||
| They definitely have lost a lot. | ||
| They say that their attendance is down like 50%, man. | ||
| Well, because everyone's got money. | ||
| And there's all those shopping centers that they started to build, and then whatever happened, and now they're just sitting there. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few of those. | ||
| There's a ton of those. | ||
| It's weird, yeah. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| In Saudi Arabia they have that too? | ||
| Dubai. | ||
| Yeah, it's like huge... | ||
| Oh, well, money's gone. | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| It's so weird that the same amount of people can exist, the same amount of metal, the same amount of steel, the same amount of minerals, the same amount of resources, and yet somehow or another there's no money anymore. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| It's like, well, you know, A, everybody was under an illusion before. | ||
| Well, can you trick me again, please? | ||
| Can we trick the world again and keep this bitch rolling? | ||
| It's like, where's the money? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| You and I are way too stupid for this conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's where's the money? | ||
| That was like, where's the beef commercial? | ||
| Where's the money? | ||
| It's rich people hoarding. | ||
| That's what's going on. | ||
| Rich people hoarding everything. | ||
| Friday night, Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. | ||
| It will sell out. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Duncan Trussell's with me. | ||
| And I don't know who else is going to come with me, but somebody else too. | ||
| I try to get Chipotle. | ||
| Dude, we haven't gigged together in a while. | ||
| I'd love to gig. | ||
| We've got to start doing some gigs together. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm doing San Jose with Diaz. | ||
| Why don't you come along? | ||
| You want to do that? | ||
| Just tell me when I'm there. | ||
| That's the next weekend. | ||
| The next following Friday. | ||
| Are you there? | ||
| Done. | ||
| Done! | ||
| Plus, it's another UFC. Vanderlei Silva versus Kung Lee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| Holy shit, son! | ||
| Shogun versus Henderson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm there, dude. | |
| I don't know what I did in a past life, dude, but I hooked it up. | ||
| Yeah, you did, bro. | ||
| I got the greatest jobs in the history of the universe. | ||
| December 1st, Naughty Show. | ||
| December 1st, Naughty Show. | ||
| I'm going to keep convincing you to come. | ||
| I can't comment. | ||
| I know you can. | ||
| I can't come. | ||
| Brian, work on it. | ||
| Brian, I think you're on the good things with the new podcast place. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You got to start working on the business side. | ||
| We talked about that and we'll keep talking about it. | ||
| Yeah, you know, Brian's podcast, Death Squad, for anybody who wants to sponsor it, we're talking to the fleshlight. | ||
| Hopefully they'll come through with it. | ||
| But Brian's got, it's always in like the top 20 of iTunes comedy. | ||
| There's a bunch of funny comics. | ||
| Sam Tripoli has a show on it called The Naughty Show. | ||
| There's Tom Segura and his wife, Mrs. Segura. | ||
| They have a show called Your Mom's House. | ||
| The whole lineup is great. | ||
| There's no bad ones. | ||
| Brandon Walsh now has one called The Bone Zone. | ||
| I like that name. | ||
| And what it is is free. | ||
| It's a free podcast. | ||
| And if you're looking for some shit to listen to at work. | ||
| And by the way, all the people that I saw in England this weekend, thank you very much. | ||
| What a fucking awesome, polite crowd. | ||
| And 90% of them are podcast fans. | ||
| It was cool as fuck, dude. | ||
| One guy had a t-shirt on, said, I like my protons, I like existing in pre-Big Bang conditions. | ||
| Anybody wants to change that, you gotta come through me. | ||
| He had a t-shirt on with that written out. | ||
| It was dope. | ||
| And another guy had a Death Squad lineup t-shirt. | ||
| Reservoir Dogs? | ||
| Yeah, Reservoir Dogs with all of our faces. | ||
| It was really dope. | ||
| Hey, have you ever thought about, I was telling Red Band that he should take that thing, that cartoon, and turn it into a t-shirt and try to sell it to make money for the death squad or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, well, we're going to definitely, no, this thing, I'm going to talk to this guy. | ||
| How cool is that? | ||
| If you don't know what he's talking about, there's a gentleman, what's the guy's name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know his name? | |
| No, he caught me on something, sweatpants or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, goddammit. | ||
| Casual Sweatpants or something like that? | ||
| Casual Sweatpants.com, I think it is. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| But anyway, he made this cool thing, the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, and it's all these animated pictures of Kevin Smith and Ari Shafir. | ||
| I'm on second level. | ||
| I'm excited about that. | ||
| Sam Tripoli. | ||
| I'm a zombie-looking Tripoli. | ||
| Me and Joey Diaz. | ||
| Everybody's in it. | ||
| It's Duncan's in it. | ||
| It's really fucking awesome, man, and an honor. | ||
| And that's one of the coolest things about this podcast is the community that it's sort of brought together. | ||
| And that's not something we take lightly at all. | ||
| I'm amazed and I'm honored by it all. | ||
| And it's kind of humbling. | ||
| And I never know what to say. | ||
| I'll click on some link and someone will say, something I made from your podcast. | ||
| And I'll click on a link and it's this awesome, inspirational rant tied to music. | ||
| And you listen to it and you're like, well, that's why you can't interrupt rants, bro. | ||
| Because they'll take those. | ||
| So you've got to be careful. | ||
| Don't fuck up the rants, kid. | ||
| Formal Sweatpants is the name of the game. | ||
| I do something on my podcast where I call Red Band's Rant and we do it at half an hour in the podcast where he can talk about whatever he wants because we'll be jamming and all of a sudden he'll be like, left turn out of nowhere and we're like, what? | ||
| Well, sometimes that's okay, but you've got to let people rant when they're in the middle of a rant. | ||
| You can't stop it, because then you'll stop one of these cool videos that gets made. | ||
| Guys have animated them. | ||
| We've got a couple guys that have animated them. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| And Kevin Pereira from Attack of the Show, he wants to figure out a way to animate it with his production company. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah, because there's so many times people have told crazy fucking stories, and those stories can make awesome animated little clips. | ||
| You just have to have someone sit through the 10,000 hours of, you know, this is like 152 hours. | ||
| What number is this? | ||
| It's more than that. | ||
| I think it's like 154. Is it really? | ||
| 154 podcasts. | ||
| Each one of them is at least two hours. | ||
| And some of them are more. | ||
| What's the longest one? | ||
| Kevin Smith. | ||
| That was like three and a half hours, I think. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, bitches! | ||
| This show is basically over. | ||
| Let's wrap it up. | ||
| Let's bring it on home. | ||
| Brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Sam Tripoli got his own today. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| That's your boy. | ||
| Hours from now, Sam Tripoli will be shooting loads into that thing. | ||
| You will have the most thunderous orgasms. | ||
| You'll be shocked. | ||
| Does it come with how to clean it? | ||
| I've never cleaned a vagina before. | ||
| You've got to just get in there, soap, water, fingers. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| Don'tbescaredhomie.com. | ||
| Thank you to the Fleshlight. | ||
| You don't have to start that bitch so soon. | ||
| We've got a lot to talk about. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And we're also brought to you by... | ||
| AlphaBrain from Onnit.com. | ||
| I get a couple of those, right? | ||
| I got it for you, dude. | ||
| I got the new mood. | ||
| Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We have a bunch of different supplements that we are currently offering for sale. | ||
| Some of them are for athletic performance. | ||
| Some of them are for mental performance. | ||
| New Mood is an HTP enhancement or software that enhances your mood. | ||
| And that's the Neil Brennan shit that he's the one who told me about that. | ||
| But... | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the codename Rogan and you will get 10% off of that as well. | ||
| And if you don't want it, don't buy it. | ||
| Don't complain. | ||
| 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| If you think it's too expensive, please don't buy it. | ||
| Please take the ingredients. | ||
| Go buy it to the stuff involved. | ||
| Let's make an info commercial. | ||
| Save some money. | ||
| We should. | ||
| Save some money and just tell me. | ||
| I hope it works. | ||
| I hope it works for you. | ||
| It works for me. | ||
| That's the only reason why I'm selling it. | ||
| Period. | ||
| End of discussion. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| I thought you were going to go, and Advanced White by Armin Harmin. | ||
| No, this is my toothpaste. | ||
| I'm not promoting this toothpaste. | ||
| This is a lot of shit that we sell. | ||
| C2O, the best coconut water in the world, they don't pay us, but it's fucking, stuff is awesome. | ||
| It's from Thailand. | ||
| That's the key, folks. | ||
| You've got to get coconut water from Thailand. | ||
| I've had some coconut water that tastes like dishwater, so people are still like, dude, why do you guys drink coconut water in the podcast? | ||
| Like, this stuff's gross. | ||
| Some of it's gross. | ||
| I agree with you, but this C2O shit is fucking... | ||
| Sweet and delicious. | ||
| It makes me pee. | ||
| It does, well. | ||
| I bet you get a call from some people soon about wanting to sponsor. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Either way, I'll tell you I like stuff because it's good and C2O is fucking delicious. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Tomorrow, Dave Attell joins the podcast at 3 p.m. | ||
| Yeah, college boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jealous. | |
| And then Thursday, Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We got a party going on this week, folks. | ||
| And we're also probably going to do a show at the Ice House where the new Death Squad Studio is located at the Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| And that's probably going to be going down on Thursday. | ||
| We'll give you some more information about that tomorrow. | ||
| So, that is the end of this program. | ||
| Cue the music, son. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan podcast by night. | |
| Thank you all. | ||
| Thank you for tuning in. | ||
| Thank you for tuning in continuously. | ||
| Thank you for letting us be a part of your world. | ||
| We appreciate it. | ||
| Please follow Sam Tripoli on Twitter. | ||
| Sam, T-R-I-P-O-L-I. Tripoli. | ||
| Sam Tripoli. | ||
| It's my man. | ||
| Good to be here, my brother. | ||
| Follow Red Band as well. | ||
| And don't forget to subscribe to The Death Squad on iTunes, the aforementioned podcast. | ||
| And we will be podcasting if we do it Thursday night. | ||
| We will do a live at the Ice House, which will be one of our new podcasts that we will be offering. | ||
| We will not stop until you're sick of us. | ||
| Can't stop. | ||
| Like I'm sick of Kim Kardashian. | ||
| God bless everybody. | ||
| Peace and chicken grease. | ||
| We love you, bitches. |
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