Oct. 13, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:29:47
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| No, I mean, worst intro ever. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| These fucking cunts. | ||
| I hate doing this show. | ||
| The show's stupid. | ||
| The people are stupid that listen. | ||
| They're just being quiet. | ||
| You just hear keys tapping. | ||
| Is it on right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're going live in... | ||
| The whole thing's happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's all going on right now, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Ari Shafir is all up in this bitch. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name ROGAN. You will get 15% off. | ||
| Ari, I have one for you if you want. | ||
| I've got a new shipment in. | ||
| I hear they're wonderful. | ||
| It's also brought to you by AlphaBrain. | ||
| AlphaBrain is a cognitive enhancer sold by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| I use it and Brian uses it. | ||
| We're going to get Ari on it too. | ||
| It has its detractors like all wonderful things, but Mayhem Miller's a big fucking fan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the Onnit link, enter in Rogan, get 10% off that too. | ||
| How many of the detractors have used it? | ||
| Very few. | ||
| People are non-believers. | ||
| They want to believe in the placebo effect. | ||
| I'll tell you what, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I'm in this shit for results. | ||
| Placebo or not, I'm in this shit for results. | ||
| Give me a hologram cock ring and let me think that this shit makes my dick work better. | ||
| And it probably will make my dick work better. | ||
| Placebo. | ||
| Just like everybody else. | ||
| We're fucking dumb. | ||
| Did I tell you about the study on placebos? | ||
| You did, and that's one of the reasons why I brought that up. | ||
| Should we just say it? | ||
| Yeah, it's brilliant. | ||
| They did a study on just placebo effects per se. | ||
| So they gave people what they told them was a placebo. | ||
| They're in the control group for a low blood pressure heart medication. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| But they told them, we're only giving you the placebo. | ||
| And it still affected our blood pressure. | ||
| It went down in the people. | ||
| Noticeably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like measurably. | ||
| They think that it has something to do with just concentrating on whatever it is. | ||
| A ritualistic thing. | ||
| I'm concentrating on it every day. | ||
| One of the ladies in the study, like after it ended, she was like, oh, that's great, but I need more of that. | ||
| Like my blood pressure is lower. | ||
| Don't drop me. | ||
| I want lower blood pressure. | ||
| And she couldn't get placebos at Rite Aid. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How weird is the human brain? | ||
| What the hell is going on? | ||
| Just some sort of regularity helps you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thinking about it all the time. | ||
| Well, there's a dude who's going to come on the podcast and talk about it. | ||
| His name is Bruce Lipton, and he wrote a book on that very subject. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I ran into his, I believe it's his cousin at one of the shows, and the guy gave me the book, and then he contacted me on Twitter, and he's going to come on and explain it to us, and he's a scientist, so he'll be able to break it down and explain exactly What the fuck they believe is going on with the human brain. | ||
| Understandable. | ||
| That you and I will be able to grab. | ||
| The reasonably educated people will be able to grab. | ||
| But the idea is really strange. | ||
| Yeah, you can fool yourself into having a real offense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so bizarre. | |
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's so bizarre that we somehow or another have little triggers in our body that we don't know how to push. | ||
| That's like hero stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like when someone gets caught under a car. | ||
| Yeah, why can all of a sudden you throw that fucking car off a person? | ||
| But by the way, they can, man. | ||
| People can do crazy shit. | ||
| Well, they say that's because of release of adrenaline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I guess. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also, you know, a lot of what you can't lift is because you're not willing to tolerate the pain. | ||
| You know, when you're trying to pick up something really heavy, it's very painful. | ||
| Your body's sending you a lot of signals. | ||
| And most of those signals are, uh, listen, this is not a good thing to do. | ||
| Okay, let's stop. | ||
| This is heavy. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| This hurts. | ||
| Okay, we're going to drop this. | ||
| I'm telling you right now, we're going to drop this. | ||
| But when your baby's trapped under your car, all those don't make it then. | ||
| The only thing is save the baby. | ||
| And your body just goes into full crazy gorilla mode. | ||
| We tried to lift the car off train tracks at Bridgetown, Portland Bridgetown Comedy Festival this year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| To see if you could do it? | ||
| We took a wrong turn. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And he got stuck on the tracks? | ||
| And he went for it, and he just started skidding. | ||
| Because it looks like you can drive over the stone part, you know, right outside the tracks. | ||
| But that drops down, so you just start sliding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The wheels make no connections. | ||
| So we had like 12 comics try to lift this car off the tracks so we could back it up. | ||
| We couldn't do it. | ||
| We couldn't even get close. | ||
| We took one tire up. | ||
| We're all such pussies. | ||
| I can't imagine some lady picking a car up off her kid. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| There's probably a video on YouTube or something. | ||
| Oh god, I wouldn't be able to watch it. | ||
| Would you be able to watch that? | ||
| Watch some woman try to pick a baby up? | ||
| That would be way too emotional for me. | ||
| If there is that video, PowerAge should sponsor it. | ||
| Powerade? | ||
| You think that would work? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would help you rehydrate after lifting a baby or a car off a baby? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are they tired? | ||
| Well, it would give you special strength. | ||
| It is weird how some people just have way more physical strength than others. | ||
| It's so clear that we're in some weird phase. | ||
| You know, like very few animals, I think, vary in size and shape as much as people do. | ||
| The only thing that's close, I think, is dogs. | ||
| Dogs are pretty, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know, by the way, they don't know where the fuck dogs come from. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They don't have a goddamn clue. | ||
| This is one of the things they found out when they mapped the genome of the dog. | ||
| They thought that it was going to be wolves and a bunch of different wild canids and coyotes and all this different shit. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It's all wolves. | ||
| It's all wolves. | ||
| All wolf. | ||
| So they just bred it just like they breed them now? | ||
| They don't have a fucking clue. | ||
| No one has ever been able to go from wolf to chihuahua. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| No one's ever documented, hey, I'm going to take this wolf and turn it into a chihuahua. | ||
| It's one of those things we accept. | ||
| We don't understand it. | ||
| It's been around for so long. | ||
| It's clearly genetic manipulation. | ||
| Because they had dogs in Egypt, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They had cats. | ||
| We know they had cats. | ||
| I think they had dogs, but there's no indication of whether or not they had the variation of dogs that we have today. | ||
| We have a weird variation of little tiny things that are useless. | ||
| I mean, you know, cute pets and shit, but big ones that are guard dogs, work dogs, dogs for hunting. | ||
| There's so many distinctions. | ||
| You ever go to Arizona and just see the wild dogs that are just wandering the streets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's scary, dude. | |
| That's scary shit. | ||
| Yeah, they don't really attack people that I've seen. | ||
| They're just sort of like there... | ||
| There was a story in Georgia a few years back about some wild dogs that killed a man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They shouldn't do that. | ||
| Well, they get to... | ||
| I mean, they get to PAX, and then they all grow up generation after generation in the woods. | ||
| You know, all you need is a couple generations, and you're dealing with a fucking killer animal out there. | ||
| That's a scary fucking thing. | ||
| If they take out a deer, why wouldn't they take out you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're alone by yourself, and there's like 30 of them, and that's how they're traveling. | ||
| Oh, I finally saw Grizzly Man. | ||
| Oh, you finally saw Grizzly Man. | ||
| Yeah, and that's the same feeling I got. | ||
| I was like, dude, if they're eating their young for food, wouldn't you make the connection that they might also eat you? | ||
| That was the most ridiculous guy ever. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't understand how he couldn't see that. | ||
| Where he's like, oh, they're eating themselves. | ||
| They're so hungry. | ||
| He was just so gay that he was just running away from it. | ||
| He was running away from the gayness to the point where he decided to live alone in the woods with monsters. | ||
| Big, giant, ridiculous... | ||
| They're like rats. | ||
| Like giant rats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it bears like. | |
| They seem so calm and peaceful. | ||
| They're sitting right next to him and then they just... | ||
| Dude, how about the video where he had one bear who had his back up against a tree. | ||
| He was, like, scratching his back. | ||
| So he's standing full up and scratching his back, and he's, like, fucking 12 feet tall. | ||
| Could you imagine this asshole? | ||
| He's just sleeping in the bushes with a piece of fabric over his head. | ||
| But he did it for years and years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, but what he fucked up is he stayed too long. | ||
| He stayed to the point where they were super, super desperate. | ||
| Those fall bears... | ||
| Why do you think he stayed long at this time? | ||
| He's suicide by bear. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, he was massively depressed. | ||
| That guy was crazy. | ||
| If you see how he gets in front of the camera and starts screaming, and the The fucking government doesn't want to fucking save these bears! | ||
| That guy's manic. | ||
| You think he was trying to commit suicide? | ||
| Yeah, in a sense. | ||
| He went back when he had nothing else. | ||
| That's when he went back. | ||
| He went back to Alaska, to that area. | ||
| He went every year, right? | ||
| Yeah, but he didn't go back this late. | ||
| He went back in late October into November. | ||
| That's when the bears are going to sleep. | ||
| And so the only bears that are up are the bears that were unsuccessful. | ||
| They're the old ones. | ||
| They're dying. | ||
| And that's what happens, man. | ||
| They die. | ||
| And we very, very rarely find bare bones. | ||
| It's really kind of interesting. | ||
| Bears are massive animals. | ||
| Yeah, they show that. | ||
| Only that skull survived when they ate one of the babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Only just this bare skull. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they'll probably eat that later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it wasn't killed more than a few days ago. | ||
| It wasn't like rot. | ||
| Well, they eat their bones. | ||
| They eat their dead bodies. | ||
| The bear that killed this guy, they shot it and killed it. | ||
| And they came back like two weeks later and there was just a few bones. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| Everything gone. | ||
| Just a few bones scattered around. | ||
| I found like rib bones. | ||
| Oh, this is where the rib bone was. | ||
| But they even eat most of the bones. | ||
| They eat most of everything. | ||
| Oh, they're chicken at Hardee's. | ||
| Well, they're bears, man. | ||
| Bears are big fucking animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I don't think we can even wrap our heads around what that is. | ||
| It's a big eating machine. | ||
| And people just sleep near them. | ||
| When those two bears are fighting and the one shit himself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How crazy was that? | ||
| That was such great footage. | ||
| That was amazing footage. | ||
| Amazing footage. | ||
| No one else would be that crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Right there. | ||
| And they're really trying to kill each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's an amazing fight, what Ari's talking about, between these two bears on this beach, right? | ||
| It was near the shore of a lake or something like that, or in a field. | ||
| Yeah, like an inlet or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, there's water right there. | ||
| What a scene. | ||
| I mean, what an epic scene. | ||
| Going at it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And trying to bite each other. | ||
| It looked like to death. | ||
| To death, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Really grabbing each other in the eye and ear. | ||
| Yeah, oh, they're trying to fuck each other up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's over who gets to fuck. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| That's what it is, man. | ||
| That's how they decide. | ||
| That's how they decide who gets to fuck. | ||
| That's why I don't participate in that at bars. | ||
| When I see another guy get involved with the chick I'm hitting on, I'm like, I'm out. | ||
| I'll see you guys later. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| I'm just like, I don't want to deal with this. | ||
| That's a healthy way of living things. | ||
| For a chance. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| Yeah, and then dudes will get douchey with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, whoa, settle down, man. | ||
| I don't even know you. | ||
| We're supposed to all be, you know, men out here having fun. | ||
| You're not really angry at me. | ||
| Why are you snapping? | ||
| Yeah, if you're really turning on me like that, you're the problem, dude. | ||
| You know, if the world was filled with cool people, partying would be the shit. | ||
| You know, if the world was filled with people who could hold their liquor, keep their weed under wraps, and when you went out, everybody was cool, and everybody was friendly to everybody, and you didn't have to worry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That'd be way better. | ||
| No, but no. | ||
| It's those fucking few douchebags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What, you like this fucking queer, not me? | |
| This fucking Jew? | ||
| Has anybody ever called you a fucking Jew? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Angrily? | ||
| I don't know about angrily. | ||
| Online. | ||
| Online, yeah. | ||
| Oh, online? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been called a Jew. | ||
| Last night, these two guys came up to me at the store. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we're fans of yours from the Rogan podcast and your podcast and stuff. | ||
| And I was like, oh, thanks. | ||
| And Don Barrett's just sneering. | ||
| I was probably just like... | ||
| And they're like, what's the matter? | ||
| He goes, you know you're talking to a Jew, right? | ||
| Are you familiar? | ||
| Did he warn you? | ||
| Did he give you ample opportunity to get away? | ||
| I was in the parking lot in West Hills, of all places, and I go to the parking lot. | ||
| There's a truck there with these white skulls on it. | ||
| And I look at it, and there's some shit written in a gothic letter, and it says, White Power. | ||
| What? | ||
| White Power. | ||
| This guy just had this on his car. | ||
| Was it a movie set? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dude, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It was just out. | ||
| That's such a commitment, just doing it out. | ||
| Yep, it was on the back windows of his truck. | ||
| It said white power, and I was like, whoa, dude. | ||
| It's funny, though, living in the city, because there is movie prop cars I see all the time, because I live in Burbank. | ||
| I saw an action news car the other day. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, that's a really cheesy news van! | ||
| It was just from the new Scream movie or something. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Fake news. | ||
| Fake news fans. | ||
| Where are the news? | ||
| Action news. | ||
| They pull up with a satellite on the roof and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny how, I mean, all those action news people, like, if you watch, like, any of those action news people or any of those e-entertainment people, they're just interchangeable to me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're just... | ||
| It doesn't really matter. | ||
| They're a delivery device. | ||
| They're not even a human being. | ||
| I'll turn it on every once in a while and I'll see a new girl. | ||
| I'm like, oh, she's pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And here we come. | ||
| Brad Pitt says, Jennifer Aniston and him still remain friends after all these years. | ||
| And it's the same human being. | ||
| They're these really low-frequency projection devices that are disguised as human beings. | ||
| They're the same person. | ||
| Didn't they hire that rock band guy once? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Mark McGuire. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark McGrath. | |
| Mark McGrath. | ||
| Joe knows a little about sports. | ||
| He goes, I'm pretty sure I'm right. | ||
| That guy, yeah, he was doing that, and now he hosts a terrible fucking song show where they have to guess the lyrics. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| He's weird. | ||
| He's weird because I'm like, this guy's a fucking rock star. | ||
| Like, why are you not out? | ||
| Why are you doing what I do, dude? | ||
| Why are you in my lowly hosting genre? | ||
| You're a fucking rock star. | ||
| He was Sugar Ray, you know? | ||
| Like, God damn, man, that band was... | ||
| Badass! | ||
| That I Just Want to Fly song? | ||
| Dude, that song is a fucking hit! | ||
| That's a jamming song, man. | ||
| Every time I hear that song, I mean, I don't know too much of their other music, but any time I hear that song, I'm like... | ||
| That was one big hit. | ||
| I feel like just telling them, listen, if you can do that once for that song, you can do more of that. | ||
| Please do more of that. | ||
| That song was awesome. | ||
| Why are you hosting these shows, man? | ||
| He must have had a couple hits, right? | ||
| It's probably being on the road. | ||
| We wouldn't all remember the name Sugar Ray if it was just one. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think for a lot of people, sometimes it's just a different opportunity to make money. | ||
| You don't have to rely on other people. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Music anyway right now. | ||
| It might be he doesn't want to rely on the rest of the people in the band. | ||
| Sometimes his bands just can't keep it together. | ||
| Even Keith Richards and Mick Jagger had ego problems. | ||
| Keith Richards talked shit about Mick Jagger in his book. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, you guys have been boys for 70 years. | ||
| You've got to talk shit in your shitty book. | ||
| What the fuck, son? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Be honest like Screech. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Screech ruined it for gang bangs on fucking sets all over the world. | ||
| Screech ruined it with his big mouth. | ||
| You've got to be honest. | ||
| You've got to be honest. | ||
| Yapping about these gang bangs. | ||
| Now, you know, dudes like Mario Lopez can't get his freak on anymore. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Let a dude get his freak on. | ||
| Why you gotta hate, Screech? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You fucking weak ass bitch. | ||
| That Sugar Ray guy has come into the comedy store a few times. | ||
| Is he cool? | ||
| He's a cool audience member. | ||
| Sits there and laughs. | ||
| Doesn't call attention to himself. | ||
| He really went to fly the whole time. | ||
| I've heard him on Stern before. | ||
| He's a cool dude, for sure. | ||
| That's why I don't get it. | ||
| Like, why are you doing what I could do? | ||
| You're a rock star, son. | ||
| Does he have a family? | ||
| He might have a family. | ||
| It might be something just like, hey, look, I'd rather just fucking do this. | ||
| I think for a lot of people, too, like I said, it's hard to work with a group of people. | ||
| Hosting is really a game show, too. | ||
| You can whip out a couple in a day. | ||
| It's easy as fuck. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's stealing. | |
| It's stealing. | ||
| That's what Eliza's doing. | ||
| She does this show called Exposed, and they play two a day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I recorded it on my DVR, and there's like 30. We've got to get her back. | ||
| We keep getting accused of not having girls. | ||
| I just saw her the other day. | ||
| Destroy. | ||
| Destroy. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She also got accused of not having retards, because it's the same difference. | ||
| Oh, show! | ||
| No, we didn't! | ||
| Speaking of that... | ||
| Don't you do it again, Shafir! | ||
| I was at Walmart, and Walmart has those t-shirt sections where it's like the cool kid t-shirts, like it's Elmo, it's like Angry Birds, it's like for people, like, you know, cool people to buy, right? | ||
| Walmart. | ||
| Walmart, yes. | ||
| And so this is really weird that they do this. | ||
| Ironic, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have special Olympic shirts now, in the middle, and I almost bought one, but I was like, that's rude, because I would be wearing that as a joke. | ||
| And I'm like, wait a second, this is in Walmart, wait a second, this is supposed to be a joke. | ||
| It's supposed to be a joke. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| So yeah, go to your Walmart and buy them quick, take photos of it, tweet it. | ||
| Yeah, if someone's going to find out about that, this could get ugly. | ||
| I bought one of those. | ||
| I'm leaving as soon as we get off the air here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm running to Walmart. | ||
| Get them before they pull them. | ||
| I need to get that just to bring it. | ||
| I need to wear it on the show. | ||
| We need to all wear it next show. | ||
| Alright, we're going to take them all. | ||
| I'll send a picture. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| Walmart, how dare you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm saying it right now. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Fucking weirdos. | ||
| I'm okay with it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's funny. | ||
| You know, it used to be okay to say retard. | ||
| I'm a little upset that you can't say retard anymore, and without people thinking that you're brutally insensitive. | ||
| I mean, has our society really truly evolved, or are there just these hot-button words now that people choose to act on? | ||
| Because when you know, when you're calling someone a retard, I'm not saying you have Down syndrome. | ||
| I'm not saying you have a disease, you have Down syndrome. | ||
| I'm saying you're retarded. | ||
| You're fucking slow. | ||
| Too retard, it's too slow down. | ||
| You know what I heard recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They just changed in New York, they changed at Starbucks, they changed the gender-biased bathrooms to have male and female is, whatever the root is, rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's rude? | |
| It's whatever, it's segregating, not segregating, whatever, it's mean to transgender people. | ||
| Yeah, because women are disgusting. | ||
| Their bathrooms are 50 times worse than guys. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| So we should be able to all shit right next to each other and guys can lick girls' seats? | ||
| Well, their idea was they're all single stalls anyway. | ||
| Just make them bathrooms. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I think because women don't like the idea of dirty fucking men sitting their stinky, fat asses. | ||
| Have you seen women's? | ||
| Their hairy asses down on the seats that they're going to stick their little petite, shaved butt on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little pink and plump and peach-like. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Starbucks keeps it clean. | ||
| You can get unlucky, dude. | ||
| You could totally roll snake eyes and walk in a Starbucks with a fucking shit-tastrophe. | ||
| A shit-splatter catastrophe. | ||
| You know, you're adding in coffee with people that are eating fucking cupcakes and shit. | ||
| That's just like lightning rods. | ||
| That's like lighting a fuse inside your asshole. | ||
| Have you ever been to that one Starbucks where the toilet's just like that floppy handle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, oh, come on, this is Starbucks! | |
| It won't catch. | ||
| Yeah, it won't catch, and you've got to lift the lid up if it's one of those. | ||
| Those are dangerous, though, in public restaurants where you actually lift the lid off yourself. | ||
| Because then people do the upper-decker where they shit in the upper part of the toilet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who would do that? | |
| Assholes. | ||
| People I grew up with. | ||
| Everybody in Boston. | ||
| They save it just for those moments? | ||
| It's not a fucking goof. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Listen, it's really cold. | ||
| You need some shit to do. | ||
| You get bored. | ||
| Reap said he took a shit in a coffee mug and put it on top of a, what was it? | ||
| A gas thing. | ||
| A gas station, yeah. | ||
| And he would just sit across the street and look at people all day long. | ||
| Just stare at them pretending to see them. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You know why it's funny? | ||
| Because Reap is a nice guy and we like him. | ||
| But it's also funny whenever someone shits on something. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| I was watching this Occupy Wall Street thing and this guy's shitting on a police car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the way he's doing it is so ineffective. | |
| Because it's like smearing all over his old legs. | ||
| I mean, he's like squeezing his ass on his police car and he's shitting all over himself. | ||
| And I'm like, this is like the worst way to do that ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're supposed to get on top and shit down on it. | |
| I read the headline before I clicked and I'm like, I already pictured it in my head. | ||
| Oh, he's probably shitting on the windshield or squatting on the hood. | ||
| A puma pose. | ||
| And then I saw him leaning against it. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He's almost using the car as a douche to hold it all in. | ||
| Like a shitty douche that's all going to explode around it. | ||
| He's wiping his ass, his shit and his ass all over the car. | ||
| I would just have my girlfriend spit it out. | ||
| That guy must have stunk for a long time. | ||
| See, that makes me nauseous. | ||
| The smell of other people's shit is the only thing that gets me anymore. | ||
| Since my time on Fear Factor puke doesn't make me nauseous. | ||
| I could be in a nightclub and someone will throw up right in front of me and I don't even flinch. | ||
| You ate a bug the other day. | ||
| One of the e-entertainment people or something like that he interviewed. | ||
| I said, dude, this is just protein. | ||
| If we were living in 10,000 years ago, this would be something you would be happy to eat. | ||
| I almost barfed thinking about that video on your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The video on my phone we can't talk about, though. | |
| Someday we will. | ||
| Someday we will, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| But right now, due to contractual obligations that I have with Fear Factor, we have to keep some shit under wraps. | ||
| When that gets on the air, dude, there's a bunch of shit that we did this season that was so way more over the top than anything we ever did before. | ||
| We were just sitting there, standing there, shaking each other's heads like, what the fuck are we doing? | ||
| You should have seen Sal's face. | ||
| I showed Sal, that video, the owner of Sal's Comedy Club, and he just sat there like he saw a cum ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A cum ghost! | |
| Yeah, like a ghost made up of something. | ||
| The bug was nothing. | ||
| It didn't taste bad at all. | ||
| Once you know it's okay. | ||
| What kind of bug was it? | ||
| It was an African cave-dwelling spider. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's terrifying. | ||
| That's one of those ones with the tons of crazy long claws. | ||
| Yeah, claws. | ||
| It's basically a giant, alive crab. | ||
| How big? | ||
| Show it next to your fist. | ||
| How big? | ||
| Well, when it's spread out, it's about that big. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| Smush it up? | ||
| Yeah, I grabbed that bitch by the center and just stuffed it in there and smashed it up. | ||
| You didn't just bite the legs off. | ||
| Oh, I smashed that motherfucker quick. | ||
| I smash them up quick. | ||
| But it's a lot of chewing. | ||
| But it didn't really taste that bad. | ||
| You knew it's been okay. | ||
| It's been okay. | ||
| This won't hurt me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People have been eating those things forever. | ||
| Humans have been eating bugs forever. | ||
| It's good in any way? | ||
| No. | ||
| Could you appreciate it as a taste? | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Look, those giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches, I had one of those on the show too. | ||
| There's a lot that's gross in eating those things, but it's also a good form of protein. | ||
| If you're really starving to death, you would totally eat that. | ||
| I think the grossest ones are those big green, what is it, garden? | ||
| Tomato hornworms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, those! | |
| I ate one of those, too. | ||
| Did it just explode in your mouth? | ||
| Was it like grapes? | ||
| Just imagine the guts just pouring out. | ||
| It was gross. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It was really hard to drink. | ||
| Really hard to drink. | ||
| What did that taste like? | ||
| That was real bitter. | ||
| It tasted like you shouldn't be eating it. | ||
| Like nature's trying to warn you. | ||
| Which I always assume they are. | ||
| I'm not into acquiring any tastes. | ||
| If I don't like it initially, I don't like it. | ||
| Caviar was always a weird one to me. | ||
| It's an acquired taste. | ||
| Do you like it? | ||
| Oh, it's acquired. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| You're going to spend $5,000 for something that's acquired? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| It's more expensive, but I'm getting into this? | ||
| To enjoy some stupid eggs. | ||
| But some weird ritualistic thing almost. | ||
| It's like, you know, you're getting the eggs of this animal that's very rare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, you get to crush its babies before they ever have a chance! | |
| Would you like it on your cracker? | ||
| Did I tell you when I was fishing with David Taylor in Alaska and we cut open one of the fishes and all these egg things in there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And David's like, what's this? | ||
| And the guy's like, eggs. | ||
| And he's like, is that caviar? | ||
| Can I eat it? | ||
| And this guy's like, yeah, I mean, if you want. | ||
| So David just started eating more and more of it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Every time we caught a pregnant salmon, he would just eat more and more of it until eventually he was like, oh, I have to throw up now. | ||
| He was so nauseous. | ||
| From eating all the salmon eggs? | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to eat fucking a pound of warm salmon eggs. | ||
| You're not? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| What happens when you do? | ||
| You barf them, actually, on the open sea. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, then we grilled on the boat. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| He was like, I can't look at food. | ||
| What was he thinking? | ||
| You think he was just eating it because it was caviar, not that it was good? | ||
| Yeah, he was like, oh, it's free. | ||
| I should get this as much as I can right now. | ||
| Fresh, fresh. | ||
| Is he German, that guy? | ||
| He comes from German descent, yeah. | ||
| Or English. | ||
| I think he's English. | ||
| I think there's an issue with salmon. | ||
| You have to be careful with salmon. | ||
| You're not even really supposed to eat sushi if you talk to some quote-unquote experts. | ||
| Yeah, that's fresh water, especially salmon, because salmon has a potential for parasites. | ||
| It's not likely, but it's got a potential. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Most of the farm-raised stuff, I have an issue in my head with farm-raised. | ||
| This is saltwater. | ||
| This is so good. | ||
| They taste better, man. | ||
| This is where it weirds me out. | ||
| Farm-raised is like pink. | ||
| When they put it in a store, they dye that shit. | ||
| They dye it pink to make it look like a healthy, wild salmon. | ||
| But it literally becomes such a bitch that skin gets white. | ||
| It loses its soul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| The color drops out of it and it tastes worse. | ||
| Yeah, it tastes worse. | ||
| It's not worthy. | ||
| It's not as worthy to catch. | ||
| That goes along with my theory that things that can get away real quick are better for you. | ||
| That's why fish is so good for you. | ||
| It's so fucking hard to catch. | ||
| Deer is great for you. | ||
| It's so hard to catch. | ||
| They're so quick. | ||
| What they have is so good that they run away real fast. | ||
| Nature gave them a chance, and that chance is you get to be faster than the people. | ||
| I think it's being able to be out and not being depressed. | ||
| Because farm-raised cows taste better than grain-fed cows. | ||
| Cows, right? | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| Well, it's a different taste. | ||
| Because they can sort of be out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I buy grass-fed beef whenever I can, and it's a different taste. | ||
| It's like a game animal almost. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I'm kind of exaggerating, but it's different. | ||
| It's way, way, way leaner, so you have to be real careful when you cook it. | ||
| You can't cook it for very long. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You can't overcook it. | ||
| If you overcook it, it'll be really dry. | ||
| On grass-fed. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Well, he's a CrossFit fanatic. | ||
| Eddie Ift, our buddy, is in crazy shape. | ||
| Grass-fed beef and raw almond. | ||
| He's always trying to get me to squeeze his shoulders and shit. | ||
| He's like, dude, I'm fucking CrossFit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talking about his deadlifts and feel my fucking shoulders! | |
| When those people do that, it's the same as pretty much you're telling me about your fantasy football team. | ||
| Well, you know, for me, I totally see where he's coming from. | ||
| People think that it's kind of a gross thing about worrying about what your body looks like and being really into your body. | ||
| There's something gross about it. | ||
| It's a little vain. | ||
| Yeah, it is a little vain. | ||
| But that said, isn't it more fun to have what's essentially a super body? | ||
| Isn't it more fun to have a body that can do all kinds of crazy shit that a regular body can't do? | ||
| So when Eddie's in there deadlifting and shit and putting these big lifts in and Doing these crazy kettlebell workouts and shit, you just start feeling like, wow, I feel fucking vibrant. | ||
| My body feels good like this. | ||
| I love the fact that you can go in there and have a ferocious workout and feel fantastic afterwards. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| It is a lot of work, dude. | ||
| It's a good feeling. | ||
| I wish I could just... | ||
| Get that. | ||
| They just opened this gym up that I've been going to once in a while. | ||
| Curves? | ||
| Curves for women. | ||
| They let me go in there if I tuck it. | ||
| It's right next to this fast food place I go to. | ||
| All the beefy guys come in there. | ||
| What's so weird is this one guy came in there and you looked at him and you're like, that is amazing. | ||
| His structure, he looks like a real G.I. Joe guy. | ||
| That looks like a G.I. Joe guy. | ||
| And then he got his food, and he was getting salsa from the salsa bar, and he was putting it in his bag, and he folded the bag down so angry. | ||
| Or not angry, but it had to be folded like all the lines had to be perfectly... | ||
| Like anally? | ||
| Anally, yeah. | ||
| Like all the lines had to be straight and stuff like that. | ||
| And then this guy goes, oh, here's one more, something like that. | ||
| And he just got this mad look like he was unfolding it, having to put it in there. | ||
| And it was like we were both looking at it going, wow, that guy's going to murder somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER Every day must do 1,000 chin-ups. | |
| One. | ||
| Two. | ||
| My friend Masai in college, this Ethiopian guy, used to work out in the top of his lifts. | ||
| We'd go, I'm gonna fuck somebody up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Fuck somebody! | ||
| He liked getting into bar fights. | ||
| He loved doing it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's what kept him going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Did you see that documentary? | ||
| He liked getting into bar fights with people? | ||
| Yeah, he'd start shit. | ||
| Not hard. | ||
| You'd have to fight back. | ||
| What a dick. | ||
| Have you talked about the steroids documentary, Bigger, Stronger, Faster, Smellier? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| No, I never watched it. | ||
| I watched little clips of it. | ||
| I actually own it on DVD, but I never bothered watching it. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's pretty interesting. | ||
| What I didn't know, though, is... | ||
| Also, they show those cows on there. | ||
| The steroid cows, which are amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's not really a steroid cow. | ||
| There's this thing that happens to certain cows where it's a myostatin inhibitor and it goes wrong. | ||
| And when it goes wrong, they grow like three times the regular size of muscle. | ||
| Is that from what? | ||
| Testing? | ||
| No, it's just from breeding. | ||
| Somehow or another, they're genetics. | ||
| Oh, I've seen those. | ||
| Those gigantic cows. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That are like three times the size of a person. | ||
| And have you ever seen the dogs, too? | ||
| There's a whippet. | ||
| It happens to, but specifically to whippets for some reason. | ||
| What are whippets like? | ||
| Whippets are very slight dog. | ||
| Aren't they big ones anyway? | ||
| It's fairly big, but it's not a tiny dog. | ||
| Thin but tall? | ||
| Yeah, it's a thin dog. | ||
| But these whippets that have this myostatin inhibitor issue are awful. | ||
| I fucking swole! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like Captain America? | ||
| Dude, like the Hulk. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, ridiculous. | ||
| Like, you would swear it's photoshopped. | ||
| There's photos of them online. | ||
| I'll find one for you just because you need to peek at it. | ||
| It's just the weirdest fucking thing. | ||
| How do you spell whippets? | ||
| The way I used to do them. | ||
| They were W-H-I-P-I-T. Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The two Bs? | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you have a really good cracker or did you always buy like the cheap plastic ones? | ||
| Whatever it could be Simon got, that's what I used. | ||
| I got like this nice chrome one from Wild Rats and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, they used to sell them on Hollywood on Santa Monica Boulevard. | ||
| Come here, Ari, take a look at this real quick. | ||
| You just have to see this because it doesn't even seem real. | ||
| Look at his eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't... | |
| That looks like a famous actor. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Is that incredible? | ||
| For folks who don't know what this is, just look up Whippets, W-I-P-P... I think it's P-P-T-T-E-S? Whatever it was. | ||
| Look up Whippets. | ||
| You'll find it. | ||
| It's dummy-proof, the internet these days. | ||
| It'll offer you suggestions. | ||
| I'll try to put it on e-streams. | ||
| But whippets on steroids, if you look at it, you'll find this poor dog with this defect that comes from... | ||
| For some reason it happens more commonly with whippets. | ||
| I read it explained, but I don't remember the explanation. | ||
| But essentially this myostatin inhibitor issue just gives them this incredible amount of muscle. | ||
| The dog looks like something out of a cartoon. | ||
| It looks like something out of... | ||
| Did you see the Hulk? | ||
| No, I never saw it. | ||
| The fucking one with Eric Bana was the shit with Nick Nolte. | ||
| And the dogs, they had these crazy dogs that were infected with the Hulk serum. | ||
| The dogs would turn into Hulk dogs. | ||
| Oh no, when they got mad? | ||
| Yeah, the dogs would get mad. | ||
| And they would become Hulk dogs. | ||
| And they were fucking ridiculously awesome. | ||
| And the Hulk dogs and the Hulk got in a fight. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| They were against each other. | ||
| Epic! | ||
| Dude, it was awesome. | ||
| Epic moment in 3D special effects. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When they were regular dogs, were they cool? | ||
| No, they knew what was up. | ||
| They were working for the bad guy, bro. | ||
| They were working for the bad guy. | ||
| He jacked them with the Hulk serum. | ||
| See, that's not real. | ||
| If it was, you could jack them with the Hulk serum. | ||
| They would just be mayhem. | ||
| They wouldn't know how to attack for you unless you were trained killer dogs already. | ||
| But why would the dog listen to you once it becomes the Hulk? | ||
| Yeah, it would just do whatever it wants. | ||
| The fuck am I listening to you, stupid? | ||
| It would just do mayhem. | ||
| I'm the Hulk dog! | ||
| Yeah, it would just bark and you would go flying across the room just from the bark. | ||
| Like the Transformers would do that. | ||
| The evil Transformers would do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to create havoc. | ||
| But... | ||
| Oh, two dogs. | ||
| They try so hard with the Hulk movie that they just redo it with different people. | ||
| Hey, the Hulk head is for sale right now, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Hulk head? | |
| Yeah, and they're selling all these, like, real props, like the Iron Man, like, vest and stuff like that, and one of the things was the Hulk head. | ||
| I tap out way before. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm not that geeky. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they were saying that prices, like, so far prices have been around the thousands, like $1,000, $2,000. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| Can you imagine just coming in and going to your living room and having this glass case with the Hulk head just sitting there going, ah! | ||
| That'd be badass. | ||
| That would be pretty badass. | ||
| The original Hulk, what's his name? | ||
| I think it was from the first... | ||
| Lou Ferrigno? | ||
| Is this from that one? | ||
| No, no, I think it's from the first new movie. | ||
| Oh, so it is a... | ||
| Is it something that they animated? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| No, no, it's... | ||
| I don't know, I'll show you. | ||
| Giant prop. | ||
| Did I tell you when Lou Ferrigno was telling me to stop smoking? | ||
| He told you? | ||
| Yeah, I took acting class with his wife once a long time ago, and we were all standing outside, just waiting around during a break, so we were all smoking. | ||
| And he was sitting in the car waiting for her to come out, and he's like, hey, you shouldn't smoke. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I know, it's bad for me, I know. | ||
| And then I turned back around to my friend, and I turned back around to see him after like a minute, and he's still just staring at me, and he goes, I said you shouldn't smoke. | ||
| And I was like, yes sir. | ||
| He made you put it out. | ||
| No, he just said it more forcefully. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He just said it more serious. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not taking a chance. | ||
| This guy's so big. | ||
| He's Lou Ferrigno. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was on the Man Show when I was hosting it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I met him and I said, hey Lou, I'm Joe. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| It's really an honor to meet you. | ||
| I was always a huge fan ever since back in the Pumping Iron days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, oh thanks, I'm really excited. | |
| Do you work out? | ||
| To you? | ||
| That's what we said. | ||
| You work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, son, you don't see all this. | |
| Do I work out? | ||
| Where the fuck you think this shit comes from, kid? | ||
| You think I was born with this motherfucker right here? | ||
| Come on, kid. | ||
| What if you were born with it? | ||
| You'd have such a horrible life. | ||
| It'd be ridiculous. | ||
| Just giant muscles in your arms. | ||
| Like those mutant kids that you see once in a while. | ||
| Those shit photos of those really muscular kids. | ||
| It was just so surreal talking to Lou Ferrigno. | ||
| Lou Ferrigno and I were talking about working out. | ||
| What do you want to talk to him about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do a lot of kettlebells. | |
| I like to do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| What do you think about those kettlebells? | ||
| Oh, don't do that, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Make fun of the man. | ||
| It's Lou Ferrigno, bro. | ||
| I ain't making fun of Lou Ferrigno, kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are going to die. | |
| I love Lou Ferrigno. | ||
| You're going to be at a Subway one day. | ||
| You got the impression now. | ||
| Just you had to take it to the lowest common denominator, Ari. | ||
| You went for the low-hanging fruit. | ||
| You didn't know it anywhere around. | ||
| I was trying to be on him's side. | ||
| These hulks don't talk, man. | ||
| Did that hulk talk? | ||
| No, actually, this was a hulk stand-in, because it was CGI. I think it's what they used for the cameras and stuff like that. | ||
| Let me see what it looks like. | ||
| Does it look good? | ||
| It looks pretty creepy, man. | ||
| You're not buying that thing. | ||
| Don't buy that. | ||
| What are you talking about, Ari? | ||
| What are you, my dad? | ||
| I'm going to buy it now. | ||
| And it's on a stick, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on TMZ. Oh, son... | |
| No, I'm probably not going to buy it. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| I'll tell you what I would buy. | ||
| I would buy the head of the American werewolf in London. | ||
| Oh, the original? | ||
| Best werewolf of all time. | ||
| There's been a few werewolf movies that have been kind of fun over the years, but none can fuck with an American werewolf in London. | ||
| That movie rules. | ||
| It looks so real. | ||
| And it was a long ass time ago, dude. | ||
| They did that shit in the 80s. | ||
| That movie rocks. | ||
| It looks so much better than that fake Star Wars stuff. | ||
| When that thing was in London, when it was fucking people up in the streets, when it came out of the dirty movie theater, it kills everybody in the dirty movie theater, and then it's walking on the London streets, they showed just enough of it to scare the fuck out of you. | ||
| They didn't have to close up, show the thing, move it around, because when you do that, then people get used to it. | ||
| And they knew how to do it back then. | ||
| The special effects were not nearly as sophisticated back then. | ||
| Cujo scared me so bad that I walked 45 minutes out of my way once to get back home after seeing it. | ||
| Instead of the 7 minutes I would have taken to walk straight. | ||
| Dogs are terrifying. | ||
| Cujo should be scary. | ||
| Yeah, they knew how to... | ||
| I mean, the American Werewolf in London people, I guess it's John Landis and whoever else was involved in creating... | ||
| John Landis did that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Whoever else was involved in creating the imagery behind it did such an awesome job. | ||
| The special effects guy was supposed to be some legendary special effects guy. | ||
| Oh, it's Rick Baker. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| But he's also... | ||
| The guy who did The Last Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro. | ||
| And I didn't like that special effects at all. | ||
| I thought that was a silly choice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| They went with this Lone Chaney Jr. look from whoever the fuck the original Wolfman was. | ||
| Is it Lone Chaney Jr.? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who was the original Wolfman? | ||
| Don Knotts. | ||
| I'm almost positive. | ||
| I'm going to get you, see. | ||
| So many likes I'm not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, Claude Rains. | ||
| Well, it says Claude Rains and Lone Chaney Jr. I'm not sure which one was the monster. | ||
| I think it's Lone Chaney Jr. Yeah, and they went to look like him? | ||
| Yeah, my point is that movie was from 1941, man. | ||
| And so what they did is like an updated version of it. | ||
| Well, did it look real? | ||
| No. | ||
| See, I don't mind if it looks like a thing. | ||
| That's just a stylistic choice. | ||
| But as long as it looks real as that version of it. | ||
| Well, their idea was they wanted to be a real person instead of a CGI thing, because they had this great actor. | ||
| When do you get an actor as good as Benicio Del Toro to play a wolfman? | ||
| So use him to embody the beast. | ||
| And then you'll do some CGI, like his legs were CGI'd, so they bat backwards, like all dogs' legs and shit like that, which is really weird that he's walking upright on those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a movie. | ||
| But the real issue is the exact opposite of what you got from The American Werewolf in London. | ||
| From The American Werewolf in London, there was mystery. | ||
| There's a scene where this guy gets killed in the London subway, this shithead. | ||
| And he's kind of a shithead, so you're kind of happy when he dies. | ||
| You're rooting for the death. | ||
| He's a dickhead, and he's just stumbling fuck, and he's trying to hold on to his briefcase. | ||
| So he's running, and this thing's chasing him, and he falls down on an escalator. | ||
| And as he's going on this escalator up, you see the thing at the bottom of the escalator, and that ends the scene. | ||
| And it's terrifying. | ||
| You just know what's going to happen. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| You don't have to see it kill him. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Because they just played it just enough where you don't even get to see it. | ||
| He sees it and you can see it in his eyes and he runs and then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it. | ||
| And then finally, in the end of the scene, you see it at the bottom of the stairs. | ||
| And that's all you need, man. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| That movie is the absolute perfect horror monster werewolf movie. | ||
| I've got to watch that again now. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| And it's got some humor in it. | ||
| There's some pussy in there. | ||
| He gets laid. | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| It's everything you want out of a movie. | ||
| Werewolves. | ||
| I forgot about that one. | ||
| Hot English bitches. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| That's what... | ||
| I forgot what I was just saying. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But if I had a head, that's what I would buy. | ||
| I wouldn't buy the Hulk head. | ||
| Oh, you'd buy that? | ||
| I would buy the American Werewolf in London. | ||
| I would buy Robocop, probably, or something like that. | ||
| Something also from your childhood where you remember it. | ||
| Or Star Wars. | ||
| Anything Star Wars. | ||
| Dude, this desk is so fucking weird. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little weird. | ||
| You're such a, like... | ||
| It's just a mixture of the weirdest shit I've ever seen. | ||
| Stevia and marijuana and knives, dog tags, weird reading glasses, magnets and skulls. | ||
| It's my Mayan skull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Inca fucking, one of these, belt buckles. | |
| Stanley Kubrick's Odyssey, the hidden secrets. | ||
| It looks like what's buried with a mummy. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| God, if they uncovered this 2,000 years from now, I'd be like, what was this place? | ||
| Yeah, if this was like a pyramid and they came in here and were like, wow, these treasures. | ||
| These must be treasures. | ||
| This is all a mixture of my message. | ||
| Must have been a collector. | ||
| Pile all this together and this is my message. | ||
| Well, you know, if you look around my house, I collect a lot of weird shit. | ||
| Yeah, I can see you buying that giant hood. | ||
| Putting it somewhere. | ||
| I probably would. | ||
| If you weren't here, and if you didn't make fun of it, you might have saved me. | ||
| Saved me from a ridiculous purchase. | ||
| eBay does get me in trouble, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that one of those things? | |
| It's like five grand, too? | ||
| Where somebody's going to make a huge purchase on something? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| It's at two grand now. | ||
| If it's on eBay, it'll probably jack up. | ||
| The last day, they say, on eBay is where it really all goes down. | ||
| The last five seconds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They have these things called eBay sniping, I think is what it's called. | ||
| I think they're programs that automatically sit there and at the last second just throw in real fast math to try to beat it real quick. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, that kind of stuff kind of freaks me out. | ||
| Like little bots and little things that people are incorporated on the web. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| So you can automatically bid at the last second? | ||
| Anything like that, where people automate things. | ||
| It's like when you open up the door for hoaxters and opportunists and coders and people who know how to tweak things. | ||
| Remember when you used to play Quake online and people would get bots? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drink. | |
| Drink. | ||
| You know what a bot is? | ||
| Yeah, it's bullshit. | ||
| What a bot is, here's what it is. | ||
| There's artificial intelligence involved in Quake. | ||
| And they figured out a way to, when they make the game, it's a 3D first-person shooter. | ||
| So you're running through all these crazy corridors, and you see other characters in there, and you shoot at each other. | ||
| You're looking at it through your own perspective. | ||
| And when they make these video games, you can have one of these artificial intelligence people and just insert them into the game. | ||
| So then he just plays for you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can also have it set up so you never miss. | ||
| You can have a bot that just knows. | ||
| See, it reads the code. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| It's cheating. | ||
| It reads the code and it knows absolutely exactly where your character is at all times. | ||
| So every time you press the launch button, you cannot miss. | ||
| So you're just killing people in like three seconds as soon as you see them. | ||
| And I've played with people like this online and it's really frustrating. | ||
| It's like you're not playing a real person. | ||
| And they're laughing at home like, I'm doing it. | ||
| Doing what? | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Obviously you're going to beat me like this. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what my point was. | ||
| I had a point. | ||
| Oh, what do you think of these bots that automatically bid on you? | ||
| Oh, that kind of shit. | ||
| They'd have ruined Quake. | ||
| Never draw that train back to the original. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's very nice, dude. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Strong memory. | ||
| Yeah, that was a very circuitous route we just took in this conversation. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| My friend did that to me in college. | ||
| It was early on, but he could automatically tell me to keep calling your phone over and over again, my dorm phone. | ||
| So it would just fill out my voicemail. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| Just to be a dick. | ||
| The problem is, when you give people that power, it's like, alright, it was funny once. | ||
| Don't keep doing it for a fucking month. | ||
| You have to trust shitty pranksters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you have comics for friends, man, comics are always... | ||
| It's like, alright, I got it. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| Leave it alone. | ||
| Have some code of ethics about your pranks. | ||
| Trying to fuck with people. | ||
| I got some excellent footage of Brendan Walsh putting a girl's chaps on in Houston. | ||
| I'm not sure he wants that shit on YouTube. | ||
| Putting a girl's chaps? | ||
| Yeah, but holla at him, Brendan B-R-E-N-D-O-N Walsh on Twitter, and contact him and tell him, yo, release the info, dude. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| He's in his underwear in a country western bar. | ||
| He takes his pants off. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's trying to put on the waitress's chaps, and I got a video of him. | ||
| I'm interviewing him while this is going down, and he's pie-eyed drunk. | ||
| Just pie-eyed drunk. | ||
| He's going to be in Ontario this weekend, right? | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| He's going to be in the Ontario Improv this weekend with Joey and me. | ||
| Where are you at, Ari, this weekend? | ||
| This weekend I'm here. | ||
| You're here? | ||
| You're in Hollywood? | ||
| You're doing the store? | ||
| My Storyteller Show is on next Thursday, actually. | ||
| Storyteller Show next Thursday, the Improv? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that date? | ||
| 20th. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| I'm in town. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Just to lend support. | ||
| What's the subject? | ||
| Halloween stuff? | ||
| I got no stories for you. | ||
| You're on your own, bitch. | ||
| I lived in a haunted house for a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| As a dare to win some will? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you really believe in that shit, which I pretty much don't. | ||
| Yeah, in haunted houses? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I don't really. | ||
| My grandmother was supposedly psychic. | ||
| I'm good, thanks. | ||
| My grandmother was supposedly psychic. | ||
| She was a very, very strange lady. | ||
| And she did no things. | ||
| She had this weird way of like, she would tell you, like she told my father just out of nowhere, or my grandfather rather, she told him out of nowhere, Joe, call your mother. | ||
| Call your mother right now. | ||
| And he was like doing some crossword puzzle. | ||
| They were always like, this is how they would talk to each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She would yell at him and he would go, alright, alright, alright. | |
| He goes to visit his mom and as he gets to his mom's house as she dies, he is there the moment she dies. | ||
| As he walks in the door, he gets to see her last seconds of life and she says goodbye to him and then she dies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And somehow or another, my grandmother knew this. | ||
| And it could have been just a crazy lucky guess. | ||
| It could have been total bullshit. | ||
| She wanted him out of the house and she just got lucky. | ||
| You know, scientifically, who knows? | ||
| Yeah, and then she died the next day. | ||
| She did weird shit. | ||
| And they changed the story over the years. | ||
| She would do weird shit. | ||
| Like one time, she woke my mother up out of her bed and brought her downstairs. | ||
| And then five minutes later, the roof collapsed over her bed and fucked her bed up. | ||
| There was weird shit like that. | ||
| Well, anyway, they had a guy. | ||
| This is back in... | ||
| My grandparents lived in Newark, New Jersey. | ||
| And it started out in an all-Italian neighborhood, and then it became an all-black neighborhood, then it became an all-Puerto Rican neighborhood, and Dominicans, and all these other people moved in. | ||
| And my grandparents, they stayed there forever. | ||
| And at one point in time, they were renting the room out, apparently, to some dude, and the dude died. | ||
| And they swore that this dude was still in the house. | ||
| His ghost? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that was like where I was staying. | ||
| I was staying in that same room. | ||
| Did you ever see anything? | ||
| I didn't see shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't see shit. | ||
| I walk around with my dick in my hand like, what? | ||
| I'm not scared of ghosts. | ||
| Come blow me then, ghost. | ||
| I'll piss on a ghost. | ||
| Come blow me right now. | ||
| What are you, you gonna scare me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo woo? | |
| Woo woo, you're not even there. | ||
| You're translucent, bro. | ||
| I can go right through you. | ||
| Sperm, stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop bothering me. | |
| Ghosts never kill, huh? | ||
| No, they don't do shit. | ||
| You have to be a total pussy to be scared of a ghost. | ||
| Those fucking ghost shows, too, drive me bananas. | ||
| They never find anything? | ||
| There's nothing there, you fucks. | ||
| Then explain these Geiger readings. | ||
| They have a circle that they'll highlight on a screen. | ||
| Look, at this moment, there's something appears behind the dresser. | ||
| There's nothing behind the dress, you asshole. | ||
| That's lit in your screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fuck are you talking about? | |
| You have a camera from 1978. We are down in the basement and the readings are off the chart. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| It's all night vision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- I don't hear it now. - I don't hear that, I don't hear that, do you hear that? | |
| I don't hear it. | ||
| - One of the first-- - Bob? | ||
| - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - One of the first threads I ever did on your message board was, my sister, I think it was, she went to this haunted house, a famous haunted house in West Virginia, and they stayed at, and she took a photo using her camera, and one of the first things I ever posted on your forum was like these photos, because it actually had like a person that looked like because it actually had like a person that looked like a ghost standing on the porch, And it was fucking creepy. | ||
| I've been trying to find that photo for so many years. | ||
| I lost it. | ||
| It's not in your archive thing anymore. | ||
| But the photo's a ghost now, too. | ||
| Well, what do you think of... | ||
| I can't believe I'm going to even ask you this. | ||
| But, do you know the orbs thing? | ||
| Do you know about orbs? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This is where it gets hilarious. | ||
| There's apparently... | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Before you start this, I just want to say, whenever I hear stories like this, I know in my brain that I can call it. | ||
| I'm always like, alright, what's this story going to be about? | ||
| Whatever these things are, orbs, we're so awesome, why am I just hearing about it now? | ||
| Because you know what it is. | ||
| You probably know it by some other name. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Any story like that, or going into the light when you die, or whatever it is, I want to hear it. | ||
| Well, it's a photographic artifact, mostly from digital photography. | ||
| And what it is, it shows these little circular things that look like... | ||
| It's probably dust in the air. | ||
| It catches the flash, and it creates little orbs. | ||
| It looks like little orbs. | ||
| But people are convinced that it's like positive spirits. | ||
| Oh, they're beings. | ||
| And that the dust is like positive spirits. | ||
| And the more dust, I guess, you collect around you, these are like little fairies. | ||
| So hoarders are like... | ||
| What they believe is, some people believe that when you have all this positive energy, that that positive energy actually manifests itself in these spheres, but that you cannot see it. | ||
| It can only be viewed when it's photographed. | ||
| Question. | ||
| How do they know that they are positive fairies, not negative energy fairies? | ||
| Because they say, if you talk to the people who really believe in it, Eddie Bravo, they say that it shows up when you have positive thoughts and positive energy. | ||
| I've seen some really compelling pictures. | ||
| I've seen some really interesting pictures of people happy, smiling, and they're holding their hands up, and there's orbs all around their photo. | ||
| But it also could be Lent. | ||
| Has there ever been a picture of somebody happy and somebody not happy? | ||
| Yeah, it's usually just dust. | ||
| It's a reflection on dust and stuff. | ||
| But there's definitely a lot of weird shit that happens in photos that isn't dust. | ||
| But the problem is that everyone thinks anything means it's a ghost. | ||
| It's gotta be an alien. | ||
| It's gotta be a ghost. | ||
| Why does it have to be that? | ||
| Speaking of which, have you guys heard about this new Photoshop thing that removes the blur? | ||
| How is that? | ||
| If you take a photo, say, and it's like a blurry photo, it can calculate where each image went wrong and how it all stretched out, and it can turn it into an un-blurry picture. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What it pretty much looks, it looks at the photo and does its math, like how the blur is. | ||
| And it finds the path that if you're holding the camera... | ||
| It just infers what it would have been? | ||
| Yeah, like if you're holding the camera and you're taking a photo and it goes a little right when you take a photo, it can see that in the camera by the blur, like how the blur is. | ||
| And so it tries to reverse that and straighten it back together. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And it works really well. | ||
| One of my favorite things on the iPhone is when... | ||
| You open up a picture, and it opens up, but it stays blurry for a second, and you're like, I can already see it. | ||
| Let's see it better. | ||
| And then it goes bloop, and it gets all clear. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love that feeling. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You guys should definitely upgrade to the cloud thing. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| I can now look at every photo on my home computer right now. | ||
| It streams everything from your home computer. | ||
| Constantly streams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Constantly. | |
| But does that mean if you lose your phone, someone's going to see all your dick pictures? | ||
| No, because you have a password lock on it. | ||
| By the way, I just found out about this program. | ||
| I can't find it yet, and I can't remember the name, but there's this program that you can put on your iPhone that if somebody gets the passcode wrong, it will automatically take a photo using the front camera. | ||
| And so then if you lose it, then you can track it also using Google Maps, and you can play alarms, and you can have it recorded. | ||
| Where do you play that from? | ||
| Your computer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, bitch, I know you got my phone. | ||
| Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. | ||
| You play that stuff from your computer at home? | ||
| Like you control it from a separate place? | ||
| Yeah, you control it from your mobile me account or whatever it is now. | ||
| iCloud. | ||
| Yeah, so it's in the iCloud. | ||
| Wow, weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't remember their name, though. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It's like Slingshot or something. | ||
| Somebody tweet that shit to us. | ||
| Please. | ||
| I know you're out there. | ||
| You owe weirders or hoarders of information. | ||
| That video they had on the voice control was totally amazing. | ||
| Siri? | ||
| Steve Jobs? | ||
| Siri, yeah. | ||
| You know what bugs me about it is that now people are going to be using that shit all day and just having fucking conversations with their phone. | ||
| There's going to be all these robots talking everywhere. | ||
| You're going to be in a coliseum and you're just going to hear like tons of robots. | ||
| Tell me what's playing at the movies. | ||
| You know that's just going to happen. | ||
| They're just going to wander around talking to their... | ||
| Call Margaret. | ||
| I can't wait to talk with her. | ||
| I heard you could fuck with it and ask it crazy questions like, who made you? | ||
| Would you marry me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, that's where it would be cool if you hack Apple. | |
| If Apple let people do shit to it, like you could do to Unix or Linux or something like that, because then you could make fuck mods. | ||
| You could have some dirty bitch that gives you your text messages. | ||
| Like, oh, you dirty bitch. | ||
| Tell me what kind of texts I got. | ||
| Oh, this is what I got. | ||
| First, I got a message. | ||
| I'm going to suck your dick real good since I see you, baby. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How's my text looking? | ||
| I would make an answer. | ||
| Ari Shaffir said. | ||
| And then she reads your text message. | ||
| She can say, like, dirty shit to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, you dirty boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you want your message from Ari? | ||
| You want that, don't you, you little bitch? | ||
| Thousands and thousands of programmed responses to various questions that possibly could come up, and you could just talk dirty to this bitch. | ||
| They should have an app. | ||
| They should have a program. | ||
| They should have an app where a girl, you can keep track of her cycle, and the way it'll show you where you are in her cycle is how much a guy can get away with not using a condom. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when she's closer to ovulating, it slips right in. | ||
| Yeah, it's like full condom. | ||
| Maybe like three condoms on the picture of the guy or something. | ||
| And then she's like, whenever the time is when she's totally not fertile. | ||
| Just so blast away. | ||
| Condoms are the grossest things of all time. | ||
| Really up there. | ||
| They're necessary, don't get me wrong. | ||
| But Jesus Christ. | ||
| Stupid fucking rubber sword over your dick. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| We're so gross, though. | ||
| We're so gross, we give each other cooties through our dicks and pussies. | ||
| I mean, it's not just an issue of making people, which is most certainly a fucking issue, because there's a lot of people you fuck that you don't want to make people with. | ||
| That's a dirty goddamn trick of nature that we need to fix. | ||
| Pronto, you know? | ||
| Instead of trying to fucking get rid of the Fed, listen, let's try to fix that. | ||
| Let's try to fix this fucking equals making people thing. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Equals making people, yeah. | ||
| How about we just fuck for fun, and then if you want to make people, you know, you have to... | ||
| Yeah, we should be able to turn something off. | ||
| It should be a better... | ||
| I was really considering a vasectomy the other day. | ||
| Shazam. | ||
| Put like 10 minutes of serious thought into it. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Why? | ||
| If you don't want kids, it's a good move. | ||
| That would be one of the worst things that could happen to me right now, is I get someone pregnant. | ||
| Well... | ||
| So why would it be crazy to like... | ||
| It's cheaper to own a gun. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You say that, but you know what, man? | ||
| It sounds crazy, but if you had a chick that you were really into and you had a little Ari hanging around you, you would love it. | ||
| You would love it in a way that I couldn't even describe to you. | ||
| It just seems like a huge commitment and a huge time eater. | ||
| You've just got to meet the right guy. | ||
| And what if it was some girl I just met and talked to her? | ||
| That's the issue. | ||
| It was annoying and it's not cool enough to get rid of it. | ||
| I have several friends that have children with people they don't like. | ||
| I know a bunch of people in that situation, and it's a sad situation. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| That's the worst thing that could happen to me right now. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't mean that your relationship has to be like that. | ||
| I wish there was a reversible way, because that's the only negative. | ||
| At some point I'll want to do this with somebody else. | ||
| Well, I believe there is. | ||
| I believe there's new technology that they attach a clip, and it basically pinches off where your dick sauce comes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like over a Doritos bag? | ||
| And I don't know how it works, but your body just sort of reabsorbs it. | ||
| So your loads are all just blanks. | ||
| Oh, I bet you must shoot like a gigantic thing of sperm the next time when you open up the floodgates. | ||
| Yeah, once you pop it, but they're all dead. | ||
| So you're pushing forth fucking armies of dead people like an Indiana Jones scene. | ||
| New carpet? | ||
| That's what it'll smell like. | ||
| That's what your loads would smell like? | ||
| For like a week or two. | ||
| You know how that smell when you first go into an apartment when they've just done painting and laying the carpet down? | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It smells new. | ||
| It smells like it should. | ||
| It smells clean. | ||
| Such a crapshoot apartment living. | ||
| It's always a crapshoot. | ||
| We always had weird neighbors, man. | ||
| Have you ever had an apartment where you had cool neighbors? | ||
| Every now and then you hear about somebody who's got some setup somewhere and there's a cool apartment building in a small place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody's cool. | ||
| I'm only friends with my next-door neighbors. | ||
| They both work at the store nearby me, too. | ||
| Oh, they both work at the store? | ||
| Yeah, and so it's like... | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| I smoke outside with one of them sometimes. | ||
| So you got three people from the Comedy Store and one little... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They work at the... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, the Corner Store. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Oh, the one right below you. | ||
| Yeah, not the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah, no, you got a nice, convenient setup with that store right there, too. | ||
| Is that Store 24 Hours? | ||
| No, 2 a.m. | ||
| Dude, those bitches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weak-ass bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| Sometimes I've been upped to a point like, what time do they open? | ||
| Please, six? | ||
| Never six. | ||
| There used to be, one point in time, a 24-hour pool hall, Hollywood Billiards. | ||
| It was a 24-hour pool hall in L.A., and it was awesome. | ||
| I came here before the earthquake. | ||
| And it started closing at two? | ||
| And then it just closed at two? | ||
| No, what happened is... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But no, they moved. | ||
| They moved from their location. | ||
| Oh, that wasn't their original location? | ||
| No, their original location was downstairs. | ||
| I forget what street it was on. | ||
| But it was an awesome, old, seedy place. | ||
| And I came down here to do some shit for MTV Me, and I did this little thing, this little... | ||
| Rockin' Spring Break? | ||
| No, it was like a pilot thing we did. | ||
| It was me and a couple different people tried it with me. | ||
| And they just had me out here for a few days. | ||
| But one of the highlights of my trip was I got to go to that Hollywood Billiards before it went under. | ||
| It was just badass. | ||
| When I went downstairs, I was like, oh, sign me up. | ||
| This place is perfect. | ||
| I saw people arguing over how much to bet. | ||
| I saw people playing pool for money. | ||
| And it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| And I saw some posers. | ||
| I saw some, like, you know, some... | ||
| I don't want to say posers. | ||
| People didn't really know how to play pool that well, I should say. | ||
| Not posers. | ||
| People just banging balls around. | ||
| So there was, like, regular people, and there was, like, you know, there was that actor from... | ||
| Fuck what movie was he in. | ||
| Sixteen Candles. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| The dude who... | ||
| Michael Thomas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| What is his name? | ||
| Michael Hall. | ||
| The one that was just in the news for... | ||
| Michael Hall. | ||
| Yes, that guy. | ||
| That guy, that guy. | ||
| C. Michael. | ||
| Oh, Michael Hall. | ||
| I saw him there. | ||
| I also saw him in the Hollywood... | ||
| I don't know what his name at all. | ||
| Hollywood Athletic Club, that was another place that was an awesome little pool hall that closed down. | ||
| They used to be able to play pool at a bunch of different places. | ||
| I like a stupid sport. | ||
| It's dying. | ||
| It's dying right in front of me. | ||
| And I won't accept it. | ||
| Too much space. | ||
| It's too fun. | ||
| It's too fun to play. | ||
| That's not why it's dying. | ||
| Oh, that's why you won't accept it. | ||
| I won't accept it. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| It's very... | ||
| Motherfuck, you fucking mother. | ||
| It's not mine. | ||
| It's mine. | ||
| It's my home phone. | ||
| It doesn't do the cool party anymore. | ||
| Now I don't even care about it anymore. | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| Oh, the guesswork? | ||
| Yeah, that's even better if you're going to have it ring. | ||
| At least have a robot voice. | ||
| Call from Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coco Kings. | |
| I'll do the podcast. | ||
| I'll call you right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damon Taylor. | |
| Damon Taylor. | ||
| I haven't talked to that yet. | ||
| Another call from whoever. | ||
| That was an important character. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was supposed to. | ||
| I forgot to tell him I couldn't do this. | ||
| I have to do a podcast. | ||
| I had to talk to him real quick. | ||
| President? | ||
| Was it the president? | ||
| Was it Obama? | ||
| Have you been following the latest news now on what Obama's killing us all of raping our children? | ||
| Yeah, it's medical marijuana. | ||
| It's so pathetic. | ||
| They're going after medical marijuana on an aggressive way. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Okay, yeah, well, I just want to know if this is the Attorney General, or if it's Obama, or if it's the state's attorneys. | ||
| Like, is Obama saying, okay, go for it? | ||
| The Obama administration changed its stance, and the stance was originally that they would only go after people who violated both state and federal law. | ||
| What's that name? | ||
| Phone's off the hook. | ||
| Phone's off the hook. | ||
| Yeah, but the problem with state and federal law is the state law, I've seen parts of it, it said you can't operate for profit, which everyone sort of does. | ||
| And it's just sort of like, what's for profit, what's not? | ||
| I don't think you're allowed to have profit, but you're definitely allowed to make money to actually pay for employees, I think, and things like that. | ||
| So I think if you do do it by the book, and not like some of these places that's also selling cocaine and shit. | ||
| No one gives all their money to the employees. | ||
| They take some for themselves. | ||
| That's why you run a business. | ||
| I wish I believed them. | ||
| I wish I believed that what they were really doing was eradicating the evil people who were a part of this peaceful medical marijuana scene. | ||
| Peaceful and helpful medical marijuana scene. | ||
| And what we're going to do is just eradicate the ones that are problems. | ||
| But if you really were caring about people, that's not what you would concentrate on first. | ||
| You wouldn't concentrate on people distributing marijuana. | ||
| Even if they were doing it illegally. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| They're getting good stuff out to people illegally. | ||
| You're making me not have to go to a shitty part of town or to deal with some sort of criminal behavior to get the same stuff. | ||
| Not only that, but it becomes a matter of priorities when it comes to law enforcement. | ||
| Like, you incompetent fucks. | ||
| Like, why are you paying attention to this? | ||
| This is a non-issue that hurts no one. | ||
| And you're paying attention to this. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You know why I think this might happen? | ||
| I think this might get legalized in California. | ||
| Closing a bunch of them? | ||
| I think the potted to that point come out and go, oh, okay. | ||
| We don't have the deal. | ||
| But the issue still stands. | ||
| It's not a state. | ||
| It's a federal issue, is what you don't understand. | ||
| The federal government, regardless of whatever the state chooses, is still saying. | ||
| Everywhere in America. | ||
| Well, they're first starting, supposedly, they're supposedly starting in San Diego, because I guess San Diego is, like, one of those areas where everyone around it, there's a very high, like, people don't want it there as much as Los Angeles. | ||
| They're very conservative. | ||
| Yeah, very conservative. | ||
| And so what now they're doing is they're attacking the publications and, like, newspapers and... | ||
| For doing what? | ||
| For advertising it. | ||
| Because supposedly there's, like, this ridiculous law, like, you're not allowed to... | ||
| I don't mind that. | ||
| ...advertise anything that's illegal or, like... | ||
| Illegal drugs. | ||
| You can't advertise cigarettes in magazines anymore. | ||
| You can at all? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think it used to be no cartoons and a lot of people. | ||
| I think it was just never. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We'll leave with it, but it's sort of harmful. | ||
| I wonder what the numbers are. | ||
| How much have people dropped off of smoking cigarettes? | ||
| I bet a lot. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I bet a lot. | ||
| I don't think kids are smoking as much. | ||
| I think you can't smoke in public places. | ||
| I think one of the biggest things for me is back in the day, you know, you smoked cigarettes, but everybody, you could smoke in restaurants, you could smoke anywhere. | ||
| Now it's kind of a pain in the ass. | ||
| So those peer pressure moments, there can be a lot more peer pressure moments. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I have no idea if it's less or more people. | ||
| I'm going to ask you this question. | ||
| According to an article in the LA Times from 2007, American smoking rates declined in the seven years leading up to 2004, but remained steady from 2004 to 2007. Wow. | ||
| Largely due to a cut in funding for smoke prevention programs. | ||
| So that means that works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tobacco industry doubling its marketing spending. | ||
| Just to keep it even. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doubling. | ||
| Doubling. | ||
| Since 1997, tobacco consumption in developing countries has increased at an annual rate of 1.7% according to the UN Food and Agricultural Organization. | ||
| The key to the question is... | ||
| Is that heavy marketing from the tobacco industry? | ||
| It seems like it steadied off when this study was made or whatever in 2007. When I was growing up, my first high school, there was no question I would not be smoking. | ||
| It was like I would never try that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You meet other kids and you're like, oh, well, they're sort of normal. | ||
| They do it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Maybe I could. | ||
| Yeah, in between classes, I would smoke. | ||
| I would go outside and smoke. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In high school? | ||
| Yeah, we had this bridge that we could just crawl underneath. | ||
| Dude, you gotta watch out for your health, man. | ||
| So I freaked out. | ||
| We have to talk about this on the podcast because so many people got so attached to it on Twitter. | ||
| Our last podcast we did, Brian and I had a little hissy fit. | ||
| I was ragging. | ||
| Well, I was tired and I had been working a lot and I had a short fuse and Brian was hammered. | ||
| And I was hammered because I've been doing this juice diet. | ||
| So I wake up and have juice. | ||
| I go to bed and I have juice. | ||
| And so I was in the car and Bert's like, let's drink! | ||
| And I'm like, uh, okay. | ||
| So we got all this beer. | ||
| I had like three or four beers and by the fourth beer, I was so... | ||
| If you listen to my voice, I could barely talk. | ||
| Remember when you'd always say you're not slurring is the way you always talk? | ||
| Brian gets pie-eyed. | ||
| Everyone's like, we don't care. | ||
| He never wants to admit it. | ||
| Everybody else, I'll talk to Ari, I'll be like, I'm fucking wasted! | ||
| How did this happen off a beer? | ||
| Well, I do get slurried fast. | ||
| Like, way fast. | ||
| Do you really think it has something to do with that carbon monoxide poisoning? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Do you really think about that every now and then? | ||
| Did that affect you? | ||
| You know, looking back at it, it seems ridiculous. | ||
| You know, that I... I guess to say the story again, I rented out... | ||
| When I was in college, I had this place, and I had the top room, which was like the attic, but it was badass. | ||
| It was like brick walls. | ||
| It was really badass. | ||
| So carbon monoxide was leaking in there? | ||
| Brick walls on one side and then shitty windows on the other side and it was drafty. | ||
| And so there was only one heat vent that came out of this brick that I had my bed right underneath because I lived in Ohio so it was fucking cold. | ||
| And so the heat would just come out of this vent and warm up the whole entire room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when I was moving out, the landlord was going through to make sure I didn't destroy anything. | ||
| And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, why is that thing not covered up? | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And they're like, no, that's the carbon dioxide furnace outtake. | ||
| That's supposed to be covered up. | ||
| It's supposed to be like a chimney. | ||
| It's like an exhaust. | ||
| Exhaust, yeah. | ||
| So what do you think it does to you? | ||
| He cooked his brain. | ||
| And that's why you slur? | ||
| He says he used to be able to talk better. | ||
| I think how I originally said it was like, yeah, I think it definitely made me have a slight little stutter or a little thing. | ||
| I don't think it dramatically changed anything. | ||
| Is that one of the side effects of carbon monoxide? | ||
| Slurring? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| But think of how crazy that is that you just said that. | ||
| You think that sleeping in this house might have given you a certain stutter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a starter when you drink? | ||
| If you look at old videos of myself, I think that. | ||
| It's nice to think that, right? | ||
| But it's also, you look at old videos of me, and I'm like, no, I'm just the same crazy person I've always been. | ||
| I talk the exact same. | ||
| I just slept through. | ||
| Somebody wrote something, and this is a good idea, and this would help you. | ||
| We were talking about... | ||
| Being able to communicate. | ||
| And I think a lot of the slurring... | ||
| You know what would help you tremendously? | ||
| If you would write things. | ||
| I really think if you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean writing? | |
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| You think that helps you not slur? | ||
| I think it helps you form sentences better. | ||
| Help form ideas better. | ||
| It was an idea that somebody had on the message board. | ||
| And it was a very astute idea. | ||
| And the guy said that when you write and you get used to writing things, it helps you form sentences and phrases in your head better. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, when I'm out, like, off the air, you know, when I'm off the air, I'm, like, at the Olive Garden, or I'm sorry, Applebee's, or wherever I'm at, I'm just having a conversation, so I'm not stuttering, I'm not finishing sentences. | ||
| Slurring when you drink is normal. | ||
| You guys are all really focusing on me getting really stoned, and then two seconds later, sitting down and talking on a mic. | ||
| I know the same shit. | ||
| I slur when I drink. | ||
| That's not what I mean. | ||
| Sometimes, I mean, I'm not talking about just general talk. | ||
| I'm talking about, like, sometimes you have an idea. | ||
| And you're having a hard time figuring out how to get it out. | ||
| Doesn't that come from reading, too? | ||
| When you read a lot more, doesn't your vocabulary go way up? | ||
| It does, yes, unquestionably. | ||
| But I also think writing... | ||
| Stupid actresses still sound really smart. | ||
| Because they read a lot? | ||
| Because they read scripts all day long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They have to read a bunch of them. | ||
| They just keep reading them over and over again. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I've never thought about it that way. | ||
| You've known new actresses that move out here. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There are a lot of stupid hot chicks. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| A lot of them are. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And those go on to succeed, some of them. | ||
| I always wonder how much is stupid and how much is they've never been exposed to anything other than this narrow band of mental operation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just stay in that sort of low-end entertainment to night frequency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They just stay in that frequency. | ||
| Is that dumb or is that just they're comfortable there? | ||
| I guess that's what they're into, yeah. | ||
| Because otherwise they wouldn't watch it. | ||
| The news is on the other channel. | ||
| There's some smart people out there that like stupid shit. | ||
| I know that's true. | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Yeah, some stupid stuff. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| I think there's more crazy in Hollywood than anything. | ||
| There's so much fucking crazy. | ||
| It's ridiculous how much crazy. | ||
| When you hang out with somebody that's not crazy and you meet somebody new, you're like, oh my god, I can see that this person's not crazy and I just hang out with crazy so much that I feel like everybody's that. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many weirdos that hang out at the comedy store that you just sort of take it for granted, like a boom shakalaka. | ||
| And you're like, oh, it's just a normal part of your life having to deal with those people. | ||
| Whenever I was around that dude, I was always ready to kick him in the chest. | ||
| I was always ready for a bum rush that I don't expect. | ||
| He'll hit people and fucking scream at people. | ||
| He sells good shit, man. | ||
| I bought a lot of shit from that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has good stuff for a dollar. | |
| Remember that dude with monkey paw? | ||
| Monkey bones. | ||
| Monkey bones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He used to always have those cool lighters. | |
| Boob lighters. | ||
| Lighters, knives. | ||
| Robert William Aparvaia. | ||
| Shockers, yeah. | ||
| He's the king of the crazy people. | ||
| He's still closing out. | ||
| Does he really still? | ||
| He still closes out the show. | ||
| I enjoyed my conversations with Robert. | ||
| He and I had a very interesting little friendship. | ||
| He's a schizophrenic, I guess? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| He was always nice to me. | ||
| He was always complimentary. | ||
| He was always very gentleman. | ||
| I'd rather be on his team than the other team. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| People who torment him. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think that's nice. | ||
| I'll play along with your game, but I'll just be on the good side. | ||
| I think he's a nice guy. | ||
| I accidentally reached out my hand to shake him recently. | ||
| I think I knew it, but I forgot. | ||
| And he freaked that fuck out. | ||
| And I'm like, I felt so bad. | ||
| Because now he thinks I'm on the bad side, I think. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| He's scared of people. | ||
| I'll talk to him for you. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| He likes me. | ||
| If I see him, I would be happy to talk to him. | ||
| I like Robert. | ||
| That would be funny, though, if you had conversations every night. | ||
| Like, hello, Joe. | ||
| I don't know his story, but apparently he was like a lawyer, right? | ||
| Went to NYU, played on some sort of college basketball team. | ||
| Maybe a Division II. City College or whatever. | ||
| But yeah, then he came out here to do whatever and he went a little crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He thought he was next in line to host The Tonight Show because he'd attended more tapings of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson than anyone else. | ||
| So he hates Jay Leno. | ||
| He hates him. | ||
| He thinks he stole it from him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He calls him Lemon Jell-O. He's got a weird disconnect. | |
| But I don't know why I always enjoyed being around that guy. | ||
| If I have like a roach left, you know, instead of throwing away, like, hey, Robert, you want this? | ||
| What kind of pot is this? | ||
| What strain? | ||
| Oh, thank you very much. | ||
| Yeah, I love how he asks what it is, too. | ||
| He really wants to know. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store? | ||
| He always has glasses on and this blonde, weird, shaggy hair and a weird mustache or something. | ||
| I think he was a ding-donger at one time, an older guy. | ||
| But he's like, I just found out. | ||
| Is he a schizophrenic surfer? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but it's like that. | ||
| But this guy, he's kind of on that same kind of thing. | ||
| And I found out he's an action star in India. | ||
| One of the number one Indian action stars. | ||
| He's been doing these videos, and they're really popular. | ||
| And this whole time, I'm like, oh, he's just this Ding Donger guy that always hangs out here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's an action star in India. | ||
| Yeah, and if you look at the trailers, it's amazing. | ||
| It's the best thing you'll ever see in your life. | ||
| God, I don't know his name. | ||
| The Ding Dong show gets a weird group of people. | ||
| I don't know how Barris controls and finds them. | ||
| I don't even know how he finds them. | ||
| What a commitment, too. | ||
| He's been doing it for a decade. | ||
| You should have him on the show sometimes. | ||
| I'd love to have Barris. | ||
| Anytime you want to do it. | ||
| He's always busy with his show. | ||
| He warms up the Jimmy Kimmel show, right? | ||
| We could do a Sunday or something. | ||
| I love Don Barris. | ||
| He also gets off for a week at a time. | ||
| He's such a fun guy to be around, too. | ||
| He's helped me form a unique part of my stand-up when I see him being goofy and saying horrible things. | ||
| I'm like, oh, how does he get away? | ||
| You watch him enough, you're like, okay, I can sort of see. | ||
| A little bit of a smile. | ||
| But he tells old ladies to be like, oh, you filthy whore. | ||
| You love getting bent over and just railed, don't you, dirty, dirty whore. | ||
| And they love it. | ||
| They're laughing with their grandchildren there. | ||
| He's smiling while he's saying it. | ||
| He's smiling and laughing while he's saying it. | ||
| We had this door guy who didn't understand that, and I would always say on stage, like, hey, what's up, black people? | ||
| I was going to interact with black people. | ||
| And bears are always like, you bitch, how dare you? | ||
| But in a fun way. | ||
| And this door guy didn't get it. | ||
| And one day, he just goes up to some woman in the audience from on stage, and he goes, what's up, you black bitch? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And it ruined the next five hours of show. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Everyone who went in there was like, what's with that room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| White Kyle. | ||
| That's what they called him. | ||
| Sig Kyle. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Sig Kyle. | ||
| Sig Kyle. | ||
| That's what they nicknamed after that. | ||
| He just didn't know how to do it right. | ||
| It felt so bad for him. | ||
| There's a lot of nutheads working at that place. | ||
| If there was ever a vortex of insane people, it's the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We met so many nutty fucking humans in that joint. | ||
| Just weird. | ||
| How do you even survive in life? | ||
| Kind of crazy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I know you're just here. | ||
| Just one of the people here. | ||
| And in that place, there's a lot of those people that are still regulars. | ||
| They still go on stage. | ||
| You can go there and you'll see half a show and half a psychology experiment. | ||
| Dude, Kravitz goes out there sometimes and it's so hard to take. | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| He's just fried. | ||
| He's fried. | ||
| He used to be a funny guy. | ||
| Yeah, he used to be funny. | ||
| He used to be a funny guy. | ||
| When I saw him, he was on the tail end of that. | ||
| I don't think he's used anymore, but I think he just caught up. | ||
| And it's just like, you're burnt out. | ||
| No brain left. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He has his horrible stories. | ||
| It'll just start on you midway through his story, and he just traps you. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And it's just so sad. | ||
| And on stage, it's become so horrible. | ||
| There's been a couple times lately that I've been going there, and this is like prime, not prime, I guess, but like Sunday, 10 p.m., 9.30, nice crowd in the audience. | ||
| Well, that's when they have friends at the comedy store. | ||
| I'm sorry, Monday. | ||
| It was Monday. | ||
| Same thing there. | ||
| But same kind of thing, right? | ||
| This was two comics in a row that I watched and I got angry because they had 10 minute spots at this time. | ||
| It was the worst thing ever. | ||
| The crowd just sitting there like, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we watching this awful shit? | |
| I get mad. | ||
| I have to leave. | ||
| The weird thing about those nights, well you've seen them too, the open mics, is they sat through so much shit that at some point they just lose faith in stand-up. | ||
| So if you go on, the employees are going right after that. | ||
| And they're like, what are you going to do to us now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so hard. | |
| God! | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| They've been beaten. | ||
| You just can't keep beating me. | ||
| And every host used to be like, alright, this next guy's really funny. | ||
| And at some point when I used to host, I never said that. | ||
| Because I'm like, they're not going to believe me after you say five times in a row. | ||
| You can't say this guy's really funny. | ||
| Unless the guy's really funny, you can never say he's really funny. | ||
| And then one time, like, hey guys, by the way, I know this has been a shit show. | ||
| This has been madness of homeless people right now. | ||
| But this guy's funny. | ||
| You can say that. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| It would get so hard. | ||
| I used to have to host that. | ||
| For like years I would host that. | ||
| It was very good for your act. | ||
| It was for yours. | ||
| It helped you a lot. | ||
| It helped you. | ||
| That's what Freddie said. | ||
| The first time Mitzi let me do it, he goes, if she lets you do it more than once, watch how much quicker it makes you on stage. | ||
| And it did. | ||
| Because every three minutes you've got to get back up there and start thinking of something to get the crowd going a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, and you also learn how to manage the room. | ||
| You become sort of a social manager. | ||
| Keep all these people, you know. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I have to keep doing crowd work in between everybody. | ||
| Make them laugh for 30 seconds. | ||
| I have to figure out how to make them laugh fast. | ||
| And then bring on the next awful... | ||
| Awful, awful, awful comedian. | ||
| That's why I actually used to love comics like Boone Shagalaka who would go on in drag with a bucket on his head. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| At least he got the crowd going. | ||
| At least he got the crowd going. | ||
| At least after him I could be like, keep that going for the next guy. | ||
| But didn't you ever want to just sterilize that fucking microphone after you're done? | ||
| Dude... | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| That's probably the worst thing ever. | ||
| Sometimes I just totally forget, too, when I'm like, oh, I just touched my lip on that. | ||
| Yeah, that microphone never gets cleaned. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And they don't buy new ones, too, so they're old. | ||
| They've been there for a while. | ||
| That one that's there is probably the one that I bought. | ||
| It has to have blown up completely before they replaced that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cheap content. | ||
| Imagine just sucking that shit out of it. | ||
| I always touch it to my lips. | ||
| I think about it later, I'm like, ugh. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| Because it smells sometimes. | ||
| Even through the night, enough people have their little spittle laying on it. | ||
| It just stinks. | ||
| Damn, I was going to talk about this. | ||
| Oh, this. | ||
| I read some fucking studies, the strangest study that I've ever read. | ||
| And it's a bunch of scientists that are convinced that there is no free will. | ||
| And that the moment you decide and make up your mind to do something, in reality, you had already decided several seconds before this subconsciously. | ||
| Nietzsche talks about this. | ||
| Nietzsche talks about it. | ||
| He said, the thing is, you can't tell yourself, think of an elephant. | ||
| Like, what made you say to yourself, think of an elephant? | ||
| You're making... | ||
| There is no independent thought. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| And I really don't fully understand it, because a lot of what I understand about it could be completely opposite from the way he intended it. | ||
| Well, here's my take on it, because I thought about it. | ||
| I'm like, this is a fascinating thing, because you essentially have philosophers that are arguing with scientists. | ||
| And in a sense, they're both right. | ||
| Because... | ||
| Maybe you don't change. | ||
| Maybe there is no real free will, but maybe it's because this seven-second thing that happens before you make up your mind to whatever the choice is going to be that you're going to pick. | ||
| Maybe that's just a random thing, but the results of that, maybe that's what they can't measure. | ||
| The results of you changing the way you think, and that essentially is free will. | ||
|
unidentified
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The free will essentially is how you steer it. | |
| Would you have? | ||
| I mean, they're not accounting for character, and I don't think it's an either-or. | ||
| Because I think that a certain amount of character and a certain amount of will can be developed. | ||
| And the essential question is, why are you developing it? | ||
| Were you designed to develop it? | ||
| Is this just your natural course of your life that you're following, that you're supposed to follow anyway? | ||
| And you're just tricking yourself into thinking these are your own decisions. | ||
| But this is almost like laid out. | ||
| Right, where it's like, you're going to make this decision this way. | ||
| You're going to struggle with it, and then they come to this... | ||
| Could you imagine if under further investigation they show that there really is a code that we're all picking out through the air and that code is like a genetic code or like a computer code and that it's a wireless frequency that we're tuned into that is moving us in a very specific direction. | ||
| We're all programmed to do exactly what we do. | ||
| If this is what they're saying, if they're saying that your mind has made moves to make this decision seven seconds before you consciously decide it. | ||
| They say this about God, where it's like, if God knows what we're going to end up doing, because there's no time to God in the normal concept of God, then there's no free will. | ||
| He knows what we're going to do. | ||
| He knows we're going to make a decision this way or that way. | ||
| And this is the best way I've explained how that maybe is not the best way of thinking about it. | ||
| If you go and see Jurassic Park with someone who's never seen it before, and you say, oh, this guy's about to get killed, and then he gets killed, your friend isn't going to be like, why did you make that dinosaur do that? | ||
| Like, you didn't do it. | ||
| You just know what's going to happen. | ||
| It doesn't mean you're commanding me It's an interesting concept. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, no. | |
| It's an interesting concept because I want to believe that I'm in control of my life. | ||
| You want to, sure. | ||
| You know, and we all do, but why do we? | ||
| Why do we want to absolutely believe that we're not just following some predetermined pattern of behavior? | ||
| We want to be leaders and not followers? | ||
| Sort of, but when you're at your best, say on stage, you know when we talk about being in that groove? | ||
| You're like a passenger. | ||
| You're riding that fucking thing. | ||
| That's when you are at your best, right? | ||
| When you're not really even thinking about it. | ||
| You're not even in control. | ||
| You're just sort of floating. | ||
| The way they best did it, you ever see shine? | ||
| Yeah, the movie about the pianist. | ||
| That word. | ||
| That goes crazy. | ||
| It's the guy who won the Oscar. | ||
| He did some Holocaust movie later. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The little kid one. | ||
| Yeah, he learned it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they said when he was playing the thing and all you hear the sound drop off and all you hear is the bumping of the keys, the physical keys hitting his fingers. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Because everything goes quiet. | ||
| That's how it sort of feels like when you're in the zone on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where you're just sort of like, huh, and now I'm saying this, and those people are reacting this way. | ||
| Right, and you're floating through it, man. | ||
| You're not even conscious. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Look at what I just did there. | ||
| I went into the crowd work there. | ||
| And you can't even think about that too much, because that'll distract you. | ||
| No, but it's like you're just going on autopilot. | ||
| It's like boogie boarding. | ||
| You just catch a wave and you just keep going. | ||
| Well, you know, that's the concept of also the muse, the idea of creativity coming as something you tune in. | ||
| Yeah, it just hits you. | ||
| So maybe that is all really connected. | ||
| We talked about that. | ||
| When you get a great bit, you're just like, it just sort of came to me. | ||
| I didn't do it. | ||
| Just out of the air. | ||
| It just comes out of the ether. | ||
| You have to sit yourself down to receive it. | ||
| That's what you've got to do. | ||
| That's why I was saying you should write. | ||
| Because I think you have a lot of really funny ideas, but you keep them all in your head. | ||
| You bounce them out on stage, and you write things down that you're going to do. | ||
| But I think if you wrote a blog, like a funny blog, I think you would really get into it. | ||
| You would have some really funny shit, and it would really help your stand-up. | ||
| It really helps your word, your forming sentences, and it really helps your material. | ||
| Because when you sit down to write a blog, at least for me, when I write, I never restrict myself, unless I'm working on a particular bit that I'm trying to tighten up, I don't restrict myself to what subject or how I'm going to do it. | ||
| I just start writing. | ||
| Maybe it'll come out funny, maybe it'll come out creepy, maybe it'll come out scary. | ||
| Yeah, but just write. | ||
| Just whatever the fuck I'm thinking. | ||
| And as you're writing, then, you know, it's like it takes longer to write the word neuroscientist than it does to think of a neuroscientist. | ||
| But it makes you keep thinking about it. | ||
| Right, it makes you keep thinking about it. | ||
| Because you're doing it, you're trying. | ||
| Right, but it's almost, and the idea is like it's richer in your mind as just sitting down and just thinking. | ||
| Just thinking without actual pens. | ||
| Yeah, when you actually write things down, there's something to it, I think, where it enriches the angles. | ||
| It's hard to keep your concentration, too. | ||
| Like, if you're thinking about, like, whatever it is, I don't know, the skulls, and you're trying to write a bit about skulls without writing it down, without putting a pen to paper, your mind then wanders to something else, and you're no longer doing the writing about the thing. | ||
| That's why I've said it before, I'll say it again, that Write Room application is the shit. | ||
| If you have a Mac, it's called Write Room, and I know there's a PC variation before it, but I'm on Team Mac, so you can suck it. | ||
| The best real-world advice I got on writing came from Damon Wayans, actually, once when I was starting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because people say, like, oh, it's so helpful, so this. | ||
| But the problem is, in everybody's brains, there's a laziness where it's like, yeah, but what am I going to write for an hour? | ||
| Like, I'm never going to fucking do that. | ||
| So this is what he said. | ||
| In the morning, before you go to work, you take 10 minutes and set an alarm. | ||
| If it's 11.02 when you're starting, set it for 11.13. | ||
| So as that next minute starts, you get 10 minutes. | ||
| As soon as the alarm goes off, stop writing. | ||
| And you always have ten minutes. | ||
| You can put in ten minutes. | ||
| It goes, one, two things happens. | ||
| One, if you do have more time, you'll keep writing if you want to. | ||
| So we'll get it going already. | ||
| Two, the rest of the day, you're thinking about what you already put on paper. | ||
| So you're going to keep writing in your head. | ||
| You're going to keep that brain just pumping. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But you can always spare ten minutes. | ||
| You always keep doing it. | ||
| And then you get home, you can write more if you want. | ||
| But just every morning, ten minutes. | ||
| And it seems so foolish if you can't put in 10 minutes. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And I don't. | ||
| I have a very specific mindset when it comes to anything that's going on in my life, especially with stand-up and anything creative. | ||
| If I'm not writing, I never completely feel in the zone. | ||
| I will have to sit myself down. | ||
| If I have a gig coming up, like say I'm doing a theater in the weekend, I have to sit myself down and write something. | ||
| I have to sit myself down and get that part of my brain, just crank it up. | ||
| Here's an idea. | ||
| Here's something I'm working on. | ||
| Even if I don't talk about that on stage that night, the fact that I'm working on new shit just gets... | ||
| Puts you in a better mood almost. | ||
| It makes me feel productive. | ||
| It makes me feel like I'm putting out what I'm supposed to put out. | ||
| I bet you also feel confident or like a winner because you wrote and so that helps your confidence. | ||
| Yeah, I think when you do what you know you're supposed to do, you don't feel like a loser. | ||
| Especially when I got made a non-paid regular, just like I was allowed to do belly room shows or something. | ||
| But my sets around town with the open mics were just killer for like three weeks. | ||
| Because I felt like I'm a real comic. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| But it didn't make my writing any better. | ||
| I was still doing the same jokes. | ||
| Mayhem told me that when he got his black belt from Fabrizio Verdum, he immediately became better on the ground. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And Ryan Parsons said that too. | ||
| He started thinking he deserved it? | ||
| Yeah, he just started putting it in his head like, yeah, man, I'm a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
|
unidentified
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Shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Mayhem is a legit black belt in jiu-jitsu too, man. | ||
| Mayhem's ground game is a no fucking joke. | ||
| What do you think of the fight with Bisping? | ||
| It's a great fight. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| It's a great fight. | ||
| It's an interesting fight. | ||
| The coaching on the show is what's been the most impressive thing about Mayhem to me. | ||
| We were texting each other back and forth today. | ||
| I was like, dude, you're a fucking good coach, man. | ||
| He's a really good coach. | ||
| His instructions are very clear. | ||
| Post up. | ||
| Post up. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Left hand. | ||
| Get his controls risk. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| It's like everything. | ||
| He walks the guy through it. | ||
| Get him with an elbow. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And he's like, all right. | ||
| He's breaking now. | ||
| He's breaking. | ||
| He's looking to quit. | ||
| He's looking to quit. | ||
| I mean, he talked his fighters through the entire thing. | ||
| Get his back. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| Flatten him out. | ||
| Flatten him out. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Soften him up. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| Let's finish him. | ||
| Let's finish him. | ||
| And Bisping is screaming. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Get the fuck up, mate! | ||
|
unidentified
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Fucking get up! | |
| He's screaming at the top of his lungs, and he's so mad because Mayhem's won every fucking fight. | ||
| So Bisping's fight is just getting jacked, and Mayhem is talking the dudes through it perfectly. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I was like, damn, that just shows people what Mayhem's really all about. | ||
| They're doing those fights at the same time as they're doing the fight now, as the coaches are fighting, aren't they? | ||
| No, that's in the next iteration when we do it on FX. Then it's going to be in live time. | ||
| You mean December 3rd? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But eventually it's going to be live. | ||
| The fights are going to be live on television. | ||
| They used to do it on a different... | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Every week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how they're going to synchronize that. | ||
| They're figuring it out with FX, but that's going to be amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| But damn, these 135-pounders, 145-pounders are fucking awesome. | ||
| Brian has the best idea for that. | ||
| He goes, because they're so small. | ||
| He says they should come in and prance around the octagon on ponies and make three circles. | ||
| Brian who? | ||
| Brian Redback. | ||
| You said that? | ||
| They're all adorned. | ||
| Better not let Uriah Faber see you. | ||
| All adorned. | ||
| The 135ers would have to move around with some sort of jousting poles. | ||
| That would be awesome. | ||
| And their little horns and stuff. | ||
| I can't participate. | ||
|
unidentified
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I can't. | |
| I feel like there are lines, and then there are line crossers. | ||
| That's where you two fucks are. | ||
| I don't even know you. | ||
| And the pony would do that little prancing where it gets down on one knee, like, good day to you. | ||
| Very regal. | ||
| Would it be a pony with the hair over the hooves to make it extra fluffy? | ||
|
unidentified
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When they have that extra hair that just blossoms around their wrists? | |
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Weird shit is that, man. | ||
| Weird fucking dust covers they have over their feet. | ||
| What the fuck is that, man? | ||
| Did somebody make that? | ||
| Did they invent that horse? | ||
| That's like dog breeding. | ||
| That's all they can do with horses. | ||
| Is that what they did? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe, right? | ||
| Bunch of different breeds. | ||
| Apparently we were wrong in the Indians. | ||
| A, knew agriculture before the white man, and they taught the white man how to grow corn. | ||
| And B, they apparently might have even had horses, even before European settlers. | ||
| But the Incas didn't. | ||
| The Incas didn't know about the horse. | ||
| But there might have been some other horses that were left. | ||
| They also think that the first settlers in America might have been the Chinese. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the Chinese might have found America. | ||
| From the Bering Strait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we knew that. | ||
| No, no, no, not that. | ||
| That's Siberians. | ||
| I mean, on boats. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I believe there's a bunch of history that's obviously lost in North America because North America used to be covered in a glacier and the glacier fucking crushed everything and melted and created the Great Lakes and all that shit. | ||
| But the other thing, I always see Filipinos and they're always somewhat Mexican. | ||
| They look sort of Mexican for the Asians. | ||
| I talked to Edwin San Juan yesterday, and he was like, yeah, the Spanish came and raped the fuck out of us. | ||
| That's how my name is Edwin San Juan. | ||
| I'm San Juan and I'm an Asian. | ||
| Yeah, crazy, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, that's Filipinos. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, Chinese and Spaniards. | ||
| So the Chinese must have just gone on boats that way, going west? | ||
| Well, one of the weird things is they found cocaine residue in some pharaoh something or another. | ||
| They found evidence of cocaine use in ancient Egypt. | ||
| And what's insane about that is cocaine can only be grown in South America. | ||
| It can't be grown in Egypt. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, where'd they get it from? | ||
| The climate doesn't suit it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They think that they might have been on a fucking ship. | ||
| The other possibility is that the climate was way, way different back then. | ||
| I'm sure they have a pretty detailed record of climate. | ||
| Didn't some people used to bring stuff from other parts of the world? | ||
| Yeah, but they were saying by boats. | ||
| They didn't know that people were traveling the globe. | ||
| We're talking about 2500 BC. But we do know that they have boats back then. | ||
| There's some really detailed boats that they found in tombs. | ||
| Like incredible boats. | ||
| Like big, giant, put-together boats inside tombs. | ||
| So that we know that they could get on, maybe not across the ocean, but they definitely had the concept of boats down. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was just going to say, so the people that live in North America, I'm like, this whole thing used to be covered in ice. | ||
| So there's not that many people that were here. | ||
| Everybody sort of eventually went, oh, this is open now. | ||
| And then people stormed in. | ||
| They just jumped. | ||
| Look at all the space. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Crazy how it happened. | ||
| If you look at the evolution of the earth and the progress of people moving around, it is a very strange thing that this one awesome spot that used to be connected to everything was completely empty. | ||
| Except for a few tribes of nomadic people. | ||
| Barely using any of it. | ||
| Yeah, really. | ||
| I mean, it's just a tiny, tiny number. | ||
| So much extra real estate. | ||
| Yeah, but What a crazy fucking spot. | ||
| We'll go somewhere else. | ||
| We'll go where the buffalo is. | ||
| For the short period of time when the Indians were in the best situation, before the white men found out what the fuck was over here, this must have been the dopest playground of all. | ||
| They had a whole continent. | ||
| Go play. | ||
| Don't go too far. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Go a few miles. | ||
| Animals everywhere. | ||
| Bigfoots. | ||
| Well, yeah, it sucks. | ||
| There's a lot of things that can kill you and jaguars and shit like that. | ||
| What's really crazy is that just 10,000 years ago there were saber-toothed tigers. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| That's just 10,000 years ago. | ||
| Like long-toothed ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| What a wild fucking animal that was. | ||
| It had swords in its skull. | ||
| Big giant swords that came out. | ||
| And it would just slash open your neck with these swords. | ||
| Both eyes style. | ||
| With that? | ||
| The eyeball will pop out. | ||
| What style? | ||
| Bullfighter style. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| Yeah, this video too. | ||
| The image of the bullfighter that got gored in Spain. | ||
| Oh yeah, through his brain? | ||
| Through his face? | ||
| Through his face, right through his eyeball. | ||
| It shows the horn popping out from his cheek. | ||
| He's paralyzed, lost his eye, paralyzed outside of his face. | ||
| It's amazing how quick it happened too. | ||
| The video is like... | ||
| It just happened. | ||
| The thing goes down. | ||
| Did you see the gazelle leaping over the guy? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I heard them talking about that the other day. | ||
| This gaming guy from wherever that was. | ||
| Let's explain what it is. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because not everybody lives in our brains. | ||
| Let's explain to yourself. | ||
| There's this bike path in... | ||
| South Africa. | ||
| South Africa. | ||
| And it's in like a reservation or reserve for animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this gazelle just, this guy's taping his buddy ahead of him. | ||
| They're both biking. | ||
| And this gazelle just suddenly runs in a screen, tries to jump over this biker as he's speeding down this path. | ||
| Yeah, just he doesn't see the guy coming quick enough. | ||
| And the gazelle runs into him or whatever. | ||
| Knocks him down, smashes him into his face. | ||
| Big deer-like animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But hit him full clip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Going like 40 miles an hour. | ||
| He goes flying and lands on his fucking head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the noises he was making was like KO noises. | ||
| That's KO noises. | ||
| When someone gets knocked out. | ||
| I'm out of it. | ||
| When they're waking up they make noise like that. | ||
| Do you see his helmet at the end? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His helmet shattered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a hole in it. | ||
| We're like, yeah, that's what your brain would look like right now if you weren't wearing a helmet. | ||
| That's scary as fuck, dude. | ||
| Yeah, the hooves hit him dead on. | ||
| Yeah, he could have died for sure. | ||
| If he didn't have a helmet on, his head would have been smushky. | ||
| They said, this reserve guy said, the sun was probably in the gazelle's eye. | ||
| Because its angle was coming in that way or whatever. | ||
| And he just saw him at the last second because he was speeding faster than normal, I guess. | ||
| So it was just like, you know, he just timed it and he saw him at the last, tried to jump over. | ||
| There's a great video online of a guy on a motorcycle with a camera in the front of his motorcycle. | ||
| He's carving through canyons. | ||
| Wow, that's cool. | ||
| And he hits a deer. | ||
| And you see one frame where you see the deer's face. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Badass! | |
| See one frame, and then boom! | ||
| And he just goes fucking fine. | ||
| You see the camera flying through the air and spins, and then it goes black. | ||
| And then it shows the guy. | ||
| He actually survived. | ||
| He got laid out. | ||
| His bike is destroyed. | ||
| And he just flipped. | ||
| But he was wearing... | ||
| It actually says, make sure you always wear a helmet and wear leather. | ||
| And he was covered in one of those racer... | ||
| Tough outfits. | ||
| You can actually take a little bit of an impact with it on. | ||
| It sounds like scraping as you're sliding down. | ||
| That's what happened to Harris. | ||
| He was sliding down the street and just ripping his skin off. | ||
| But when you hit a deer at 60 miles an hour, it ain't that. | ||
| It's flying. | ||
| You're going flying. | ||
| You're going to fly through the air. | ||
| Everything's flying. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck is going to happen. | ||
| You just hit a deer, and you're going way too fast. | ||
| You took on that speed. | ||
| You're on something that's like 3,000 pounds. | ||
| No, not that heavy. | ||
| What is a motorcycle? | ||
| 200 pounds? | ||
| 500 pounds? | ||
| 600 pounds? | ||
| What are those ninjas? | ||
| Your body goes that fast. | ||
| It's like you're going 60 miles an hour, you keep going 60. It's ridiculously fast. | ||
| Those things are so crazy. | ||
| I see them on the highway sometimes, just fucking whiz by... | ||
| That is the weirdest thing ever that that's legal. | ||
| I mean, it's like, what a massive risk-taking event we have on our highways. | ||
| In California, for people who don't know, in most rational states all across this country, you have to stay in your fucking lane. | ||
| You can't just drive in the middle. | ||
| In California, they let motorcycles drive in between the fucking cars! | ||
| And I don't know who says that's okay. | ||
| And they often hit your side mirrors. | ||
| I've had it happen twice. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've had it happen. | ||
| I've had it happen. | ||
| Yeah, in slow traffic, they just go right through it. | ||
| Especially those dudes with those big, crazy, fat Harley bikes. | ||
| Those things aren't that nimble, man. | ||
| What are those guys even trying? | ||
| The ones with the big ass storage containers on the side trying to go in between lanes? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What's up with these handlebars? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| These handlebars where they look like they're... | ||
| It's like a lower El Dorado. | ||
| It's more attention. | ||
| Rocky on the top of the stairs in Philadelphia. | ||
| They get more attention. | ||
| Because it's like, hey, look at me! | ||
| I'm on a loud motorcycle! | ||
| For folks looking, or not looking, or rather listening at home, we're doing the arms up in the ear thing. | ||
| What do they call them? | ||
| Ape hangers? | ||
| Ape hangers. | ||
| That's what they call them. | ||
| The crazy handlebars that are super tall. | ||
| Ride or live. | ||
| Live the ride. | ||
| Motorcycles must be so much fucking fun, though. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| People get together in groups and they all just ride around together. | ||
| I want to get the fat tire one. | ||
| The one that has the really fat tire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I've seen those. | ||
| I would even get the tri-cycle. | ||
| I don't think those handle that good, dude. | ||
| The tri-cycle one? | ||
| Yeah, I think those fat tire ones are just kind of cool looking. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| But I think if you want a bike that handles, you know, I mean, a sport bike is like a bike that would handle really good. | ||
| But like, you know, you get like a balanced road bike. | ||
| Those tricycle motorcycles look fun. | ||
| I've seen those. | ||
| I need them to not be as dumb looking. | ||
| Tricycle motorcycles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do look a little, look at me. | ||
| Somebody who does Fat Tuesday has one. | ||
| Corey Holcomb. | ||
| Corey Holcomb. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's like, what is this? | ||
| He goes, yeah, you're talking about it, aren't you? | ||
| Oh, is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| You talking about it so he got you? | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| He has so much attention. | ||
| I heard that dude's really funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Does he have a special or anything out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Joey Diaz always talks about how funny he is. | ||
| He was talking about, when we did the Ness show in Toronto two years ago, the summer before this one, that he had this bit about the worst thing about your girl having a miscarriage is that you have to act upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And then he just acts out, going like, why? | ||
| Why did this happen? | ||
| And he does it for like a while, and then you just see him reach his hand over it and go, flush. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Flush. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a... | ||
| I hear your pain about wanting to have a vasectomy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I feel you. | ||
| You know a lot of comics have gotten roped in over the years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| Oh yeah, we all know them. | ||
| We all know them. | ||
| And we all know what happens, what becomes their life. | ||
| It's just a weird thing that you get connected to someone like that. | ||
| They're inescapable in your life now. | ||
| We were supposed to hook up three times, and that was supposed to be it for our story. | ||
| We're not supposed to be spending 30 years together. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing, man. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Instead of getting that operation, just print out some fake medical records saying that you have a past family history. | ||
| Here's the weird thing, though. | ||
| Every time I hear something like that, the only real excuse to not do it is something ridiculous like that. | ||
| It's almost like joking. | ||
| No, no, that's all you do. | ||
| They have these forms, you just put your name in it. | ||
| I mean, if you're going to think in terms of that, you should definitely have a mastectomy. | ||
| I think they have a pill from men that they're pretty close to releasing. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| Since I just started fucking. | ||
| I would think that it's going to kill your dick, though. | ||
| I would think that any pill... | ||
| That just aborts it. | ||
| Yeah, I think any pill that probably, like, it's going to affect your dick. | ||
| What if they cut it with, like, Viagra? | ||
| I'm having 90% of that pill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mix it up together. | |
| Yeah, so it's like, hey, whatever. | ||
| Everything's good. | ||
| Could you imagine if that happened and only soulless babies were born instead? | ||
| And thus starts the apocalypse. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that you can't conceive. | ||
| You can only conceive soulless babies. | ||
| They come out with fucking piranha teeth. | ||
| You just eat the way out of the pussy. | ||
| No eyeballs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what starts it. | ||
| There's so many different scenarios as to what's going to start it. | ||
| What's going to start the zombie apocalypse? | ||
| We all agree it's going to start. | ||
| There will be a zombie apocalypse at some point. | ||
| Well, we all know that there's too many fucking people for the amount of resources that we have in this one area that we've all chosen to reside in. | ||
| And eventually that shit's going to fall apart. | ||
| If we don't figure out this whole petrochemical dependency thing, we're eventually going to run out of fucking oil. | ||
| I mean, whether it's 100 years from now or 10 years from now. | ||
| In the grand scheme of it, we'll run out of oil. | ||
| There'll be mass extinction. | ||
| And we'll start over with the amount of people we can handle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With no oil. | ||
| Good luck with all that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck with walking home and smelling rotten dead people in every house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good luck, 2240. Enjoy that shit. | |
| Yeah, and worrying about who's going to eat your dog tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, because they eat. | ||
| Back to those times. | ||
| And then you smell it cooking, and you look over the window, and you see your fucking neighbors chewing on your dog, looking like fucking monsters. | ||
| And you're like, oh, why'd you guys do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I ate my fucking dog because they were hungry. | |
| Yeah, people are going to start eating dogs, and then they're going to start eating people. | ||
| We're going to realize we're going to have to eat some of each other. | ||
| It's just too many to go around. | ||
| That's where mad cow comes from. | ||
| What? | ||
| Cows eating each other? | ||
| Mad cow disease comes from... | ||
| It's called Jacob's Crutchfeld, I think. | ||
| That's the official name of the disease. | ||
| It comes from cows being forced-fed brain tissue from other cows. | ||
| And this same exact disease manifests itself amongst cannibals. | ||
| When cannibals eat their rivals' brains, they get sick. | ||
| The book of Eli did that. | ||
| You get the shakes if you eat human too much. | ||
| Yes, in the book of Eli? | ||
| In the movie, the book of Eli. | ||
| Oh, in the movie. | ||
| Yeah, that's true, dude. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That may or may not have been in the book of the book of Eli. | ||
| It probably wasn't in the original book. | ||
| But it is true. | ||
| The same shitty ending in the book? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why did I watch this whole thing for this? | ||
| That was a brutal ending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| And they found out that he's blind. | ||
| He's blind the whole time. | ||
| Don't see it. | ||
| It doesn't pay off. | ||
| He's blind the whole time. | ||
| But he's not really. | ||
| And the whole thing's in braille and he's the only one that can read it. | ||
| So he's got the message of the Bible. | ||
| That's what he was living for. | ||
| So he could make the Bible live along. | ||
| And by the way, what's the translation? | ||
| Is it ancient Hebrew? | ||
| All English. | ||
| All English. | ||
| He's given the gift. | ||
| He knows it by heart. | ||
| All English. | ||
| Fucking cunt. | ||
| How dare he. | ||
| I could put it in the library. | ||
| But it is a thing. | ||
| Apparently, that is that disease. | ||
| When people eat the shakes, yeah. | ||
| From that. | ||
| There's something else we talked about last week that I don't know if you knew about. | ||
| What? | ||
| iPhone's not being built this time around in China. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is it being built? | |
| It's actually being built in Brazil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's new iPhones being built in Brazil. | ||
| Why Brazil? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, hopefully they don't have as many. | ||
| We were talking about sweatshops. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think they took a lot of heat from what happened in China. | ||
| They have these Foxconn studios, right? | ||
| These Foxconn studios have 420,000 people working 15 hours a day for $175 a month and no air conditioning in hot fucking China. | ||
| Does anyone have air conditioning in China? | ||
| It's real. | ||
| They know it exists. | ||
| It's not like a ghost. | ||
| I read this thing that they were talking about Perry or Romney or one of those guys. | ||
| I literally don't care about politics at all, but some of it interests me. | ||
| They were saying how, oh, well, the unemployment premiums went up. | ||
| They're up to 14% in Massachusetts, so that shows how bad they are. | ||
| They're 14% higher than the national average. | ||
| And then somebody was like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But when I instituted this thing, it was 20% over. | ||
| It's down to 14%. | ||
| You can't just say... | ||
| I don't know why... | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| I just thought of this. | ||
| The people in Foxconn. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| If no one in China has air conditioning, then it's not that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just sounds way worse. | |
| Yeah, but either way, that's extreme. | ||
| $107 a month? | ||
| You're so cheap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this is the point. | ||
| They have suicide nets. | ||
| They have suicide nets all around the building. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| I saw this conversation you had. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's like millions of people that work there. | ||
| I saw this conversation. | ||
| There's millions of people there that the rate is actually lower than the national average. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| There's actually 420,000 people that are employed there. | ||
| And their rate is slightly below the national range. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So really, it's not about them being like, oh, look how bad they are. | ||
| They have to have suicide now. | ||
| It's like, no, no, look how above and beyond they're going. | ||
| Actually, the real question is, how many of those people kill themselves at work? | ||
| That's the real question. | ||
| The difference is they live there, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why it's depressing as fuck. | ||
| But how many times have you heard post offices, guys going in and shooting up the place? | ||
| Or it just happened at Seal Beach. | ||
| Supposedly, one of the employees just killed eight people there. | ||
| Was that an employee? | ||
| I thought that was a boyfriend. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was a guy that worked there. | ||
| I could see you wanting to kill yourself. | ||
| If you work at an Apple plant for months and months and they come in one day, it's like, guys, big announcement! | ||
| And everyone stops working for a second. | ||
| It's like, we just got a great review and the gawker! | ||
| And they're like, uh-oh, okay, excuse me. | ||
| And just go up to the roof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just fucking end it. | ||
| I think it has, you know, I think it's probably one of these things that, yeah, whatever they're making, what, $200 a month or whatever it is. | ||
| Not even. | ||
| $175. | ||
| $175. | ||
| I think, if anything, it's probably, and around them, like, how much does rice cost and things like that, you know? | ||
| I mean, you can get a whole bag for $5. | ||
| Brian's like, you know, first of all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know where you live sucks horribly, but you don't need to escape. | |
| What do you want? | ||
| Retirement? | ||
| Well, you can retire on a bag of rice. | ||
| And it's also giving them a place to live, though, too. | ||
| Most jobs, yeah, you might get paid shitty, but you're also not getting to live there. | ||
| God, dude, you're living in a dormitory stacked on top of each other. | ||
| And they're not making enough money to buy a house somewhere. | ||
| I mean, what are they going to do? | ||
| They get wrung out to dry, drained of your humanity, just so that we can have phones. | ||
| But what are the other people? | ||
| Where that factory is, are there houses, or are people living on boats? | ||
| It is a good question. | ||
| Maybe that reality is so much better than the zombie apocalypse that they were living in before this fucking Chinese sweatshop factory opened up. | ||
| And they're probably getting medical on that. | ||
| I'm not sure if they do, but they probably are. | ||
| Everybody sort of wants to say, well, maybe everything's okay. | ||
| But the reality is, it's a sweatshop. | ||
| Yeah, it is a sweatshop. | ||
| And we don't hire children in America. | ||
| We had to make a law. | ||
| And it sucks when other people do and pay them shittily. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, of course we're going to have it there. | ||
| It's cheaper. | ||
| And then you realize Microsoft, Sony, every single fucking company does the exact same thing. | ||
| Even at Foxconn. | ||
| Well, that's, you know, what's really interesting is I said, I wrote this on Twitter and I wrote this on the message board. | ||
| I said, what about a phone called the iPhone Karma? | ||
| And what it is is a phone that's made in America. | ||
| You pay people a good wage. | ||
| Yeah, you pay them a good wage and I'll pay double for your phone. | ||
| And you better have a sticker where everyone else can see. | ||
| You would sell hundreds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would be such a grin. | |
| Listen, man. | ||
| It might not be a moneymaker. | ||
| No, you know, they would never do it. | ||
| Because they'd have to also be admitting that they were doing something bad on the other end. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| One of the guys from the message board said that they should have an iPhone Karma and then an iPhone... | ||
| Evil? | ||
| Tyranny. | ||
| That one. | ||
| It's like super cheap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you just support the Dark Lord as they fucking drop bombs from drones. | ||
| It's a shitty olive green color. | ||
| It's made out of the flesh of Afghani babies. | ||
| Even the shirts, even t-shirts and clothing, half of that shit comes from even worse conditions than Foxconn. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| Where do you prioritize? | ||
| Obviously, it's horrible that there's war going on right now and civilians in Afghanistan and Iraq are dying. | ||
| It's not their fucking fault and the whole thing is chaos. | ||
| You can only think about it for so long. | ||
| There's so many goddamn things to think about. | ||
| You have to go to the countries. | ||
| The countries have to make it laws and be like, look, no, this is illegal. | ||
| You have to fucking have these conditions and stuff like that. | ||
| Everyone else has to play by our rules. | ||
| They won't do it. | ||
| We're not worth anything anymore, man. | ||
| We're broke. | ||
| We're broke as fuck. | ||
| I don't even understand how that works. | ||
| I understand how it works. | ||
| I finally figured it out. | ||
| It's these fucking podcasts. | ||
| Nobody's working anymore. | ||
| 90% of you listening right now just go, shut up, shut up, you're going to ruin it. | ||
| They all listen to podcasts all day long at work. | ||
| It's motherfuckers ruining everything. | ||
| I think we should just have a country bias out. | ||
| What's the most successful country right now? | ||
| I think we might be the most successful, which is the scariest thing. | ||
| That means that the banks are the really ones controlling everything. | ||
| If everybody's fucking broke, if everybody's broke, there's that one country where everybody's just fucking balling Jay-Z style 24-7 in their underwear, pop I've been bottles with models on the top of a yacht. | ||
| No one's doing that. | ||
| Not one country. | ||
| Then how is anybody winning? | ||
| And if nobody's winning, where did all the resources go? | ||
| You cunts. | ||
| Who's got the money? | ||
| Who's got the papers? | ||
| There's my problem with the Occupy Wall Street stuff. | ||
| I just don't quite understand. | ||
| I like the rising up and stating your mind and stuff. | ||
| I just don't understand who you're picketing for and what results you're hoping for. | ||
| Well, they want change, and I don't know what that means. | ||
| But the super rich, they're the ones... | ||
| I mean, are they going to be like, well, you're not affecting me in any way? | ||
| The good thing is what they're doing is getting people to think that this is a very unstable situation, because it is, and that people are fed up, because they are, and they should be. | ||
| This is a fucking terrible financial system. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I don't understand it, but I know that... | ||
| Billions of dollars have been thrown around in the form of bailouts, and some say much more than that if you follow the accounting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The secret ones. | |
| Yeah, they forced an audit, and Ron Paul had something to do with this, and they found out there was just fucking insane amounts of money loaned to all these different creepy cunts all over the world, and bailouts just pushing left and right, and it's all our tax money, man. | ||
| It's all scary. | ||
| They spent all our fucking money, and we're broke. | ||
| And we're in two wars at the same time. | ||
| And no one has any solution that seems to want to deviate from the current path. | ||
| Everyone's solution is stay on the current path, but manage it better. | ||
| Except Ron Paul. | ||
| He has a better solution? | ||
| He wants us out. | ||
| He wants everybody back. | ||
| He's like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| Of war, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, and because of that, they don't even pay attention to him. | ||
| There's this new guy that they're following. | ||
| Who's this black guy? | ||
| The black guy? | ||
| Herman Payne? | ||
| Is that what his name is? | ||
| Haven't we had enough? | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| He's a black Republican. | ||
| They've sent in Mothra to battle with Godzilla. | ||
| He's not going to run, is he? | ||
| Fuck yeah, he's running. | ||
| The black guy's ahead. | ||
| He's ahead right now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay, we need to find out. | ||
| Have you ever thought about giving up and moving somewhere completely different? | ||
| Well, this guy, he's such a Republican. | ||
| He says that if you don't have a job, that's your fault. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| If you're not rich, it's your fault. | ||
| Have you ever thought about doing that, Joe? | ||
| Just like, you know what? | ||
| I'm retiring in a different country. | ||
| I'm fucking Cat Stevens-ing out. | ||
| Johnny Depp was in France. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Mostly it's just cars are cars. | ||
| You know, air conditioning, the air conditioning in your room. | ||
| Herman Cain. | ||
| That's his name. | ||
| Herman Cain. | ||
| He's a very successful businessman. | ||
| I think a lot of those Occupy Wall Street people want to do away with capitalism. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of hippie bitches out there that need to punch. | ||
| But I think that's their problem. | ||
| It's like, why should 1% have it? | ||
| We should all be equal in this. | ||
| Well, you're proposing a giant change. | ||
| There's a lot of... | ||
| No, yeah, that's not cool. | ||
| You don't deserve to be equal, okay? | ||
| What you deserve is a fair system to compete in. | ||
| The tax breaks for the rich... | ||
| It just looks so shitty. | ||
| There should always be a benefit for performance. | ||
| That's what makes human beings excel. | ||
| There should be a benefit for performance. | ||
| So your ideas, your socialistic nonsense, it violates human behavior. | ||
| It violates everything that we know about how people operate and how people progress. | ||
| We like to compete with each other. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| We like to prove that we're worthy. | ||
| We like to create things that people enjoy. | ||
| We like to put out a bunch of things. | ||
| We like to be rewarded for that. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Hippies. | ||
| Just because you can't run doesn't mean other people can't run. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| They want to run. | ||
| Let us run. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| All it seems like I've succeeded in doing is getting cops in trouble for beating on them. | ||
| We're all like one, man. | ||
| There should be no money, man. | ||
| There should be money. | ||
| There should be a fair system. | ||
| It's supposed to be one piece of gold equals one donkey. | ||
| It's supposed to be, you know, it's supposed to be based on that. | ||
| Yeah, but it'll still be a problem where 1% will still own all the gold. | ||
| Yeah, but so fucking what? | ||
| It's a capitalist game, you know? | ||
| So is that what they're trying to get? | ||
| You want to put a cap on it? | ||
| I mean, it wouldn't be bad to put a ridiculous cap, like say you can't have more than $10 billion ever. | ||
| And everything more than $10 billion, you go, yeah, you're right, just fucking give it to charity. | ||
| And you'd just be laughing and bawling. | ||
| So it wouldn't stop you from, you know, you'd still be wanting to make a lot of money if you were that dude who was out there, you know. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Unless you're like, well, I've already made $10 billion. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| Most of them don't get like that. | ||
| Whatever makes a guy like Bill Gates become a guy like Bill Gates makes them keep working. | ||
| They want more money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They keep working until they're old men. | ||
| They enjoy it. | ||
| Bill Gates could have retired with Windows 95. A long time ago. | ||
| He could have just sold that shit. | ||
| I probably would have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He should have. | |
| I probably would have. | ||
| You need a competitor. | ||
| Windows me. | ||
| The Mac OS X back then sucked. | ||
| I mean, not OSX, before, pre-OSX, whatever it was. | ||
| Before Steve Jobs started back in. | ||
| Windows 95 was off. | ||
| That's the reason I didn't want to switch over to Mac, is because their OS 9 and before was really hard to use. | ||
| You couldn't see what was open, it was just way harder to use. | ||
| I remember when John Carmack started coding for the Mac, when they first tried to port id software games over to the Mac, and he was like, oh my god, these things are crap. | ||
| I remember there was no multitasking in the operating system. | ||
| No preemptive multitasking, no memory protection, and things would just shut down, crash. | ||
| He was talking to me to make a blog about how many times he had a reboot, and it would just crash. | ||
| But then they got that OSX, and it became like... | ||
| It's the future. | ||
| And by the way, this is only step one. | ||
| There's going to be some new shit in 10 years from now. | ||
| It's going to make this look like we're playing Pong. | ||
| When they did away with the disk drive, I was like, what are you guys doing? | ||
| You guys are crazy, man. | ||
| You're idiots. | ||
| I can't put a floppy in. | ||
| We had so many people when I worked at Gateway. | ||
| That was right when we stopped putting disk drives in our computers. | ||
| And we still had this external one that you could hook up using USB. And people got so angry. | ||
| People would come in and go, you guys are... | ||
| It's change! | ||
| We don't want change! | ||
| They wanted floppy disks. | ||
| Yeah, they wanted that. | ||
| It works fine! | ||
| Why are you messing with the system? | ||
| I saw one on the sidewalk the other day, and I wanted to pick it up, and I'm like, I wonder what the fuck's on this floppy disk on the sidewalk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I was like, wait, I don't even have a floppy disk drive anymore. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Hey, man, someday those are going to be fascinating. | ||
| Someday they're going to be really fascinating. | ||
| I just got rid of my floppy disk when I de-hoarded. | ||
| You just did? | ||
| Yeah, I had some old ones where I had a script on it or something. | ||
| And then essentially I was like, Ari, you're never going to put this in anywhere. | ||
| Just throw it away. | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| I would have kept it. | ||
| I did keep it for fucking 20 years. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| I had an old, old, old Mac laptop computer that had, like, it was thick like a fucking brick. | ||
| And it was like a big-ass computer, but the screen inside was pretty small. | ||
| And it had a trackball. | ||
| I like the trackball. | ||
| I remember those. | ||
| Like the nub. | ||
| My favorite was the nub. | ||
| The little nub that looks like a clip. | ||
| I used to love the ThinkPads. | ||
| IBM ThinkPads. | ||
| That red dot on there that you can mess with. | ||
| So when we were talking about this iPhone Karma, the idea of it being an American phone and you could actually pay for it. | ||
| So you're saying that they do them in Brazil now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that better? | ||
| They do them in this factory in Brazil. | ||
| I think they just are mixing it up because the company that is manufacturing the 4S actually had this idea in their head how many they were going to have to make. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they just found out from all these pre-orders that so many people are ordering it, it's about 50% more than they anticipated. | ||
| Wow, 50% more? | ||
| 50% more. | ||
| So I think what they have to do is just supply and demand. | ||
| Like Foxconn can't have an extra... | ||
| Oh, can't handle... | ||
| Can't handle that. | ||
| Especially if they're probably doing the iPad, too. | ||
| So they're just splitting up the factories now. | ||
| But, you know, it's just like anything you do... | ||
| Yeah, it's like that episode of What's Happening when Raj got that deal to print up the Christmas cards and birthday cards and stuff. | ||
| And then they gave him such a large order that they couldn't handle it and they had to go out of business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that a Quincy Jones tune also? | |
| Could have been anything. | ||
| I can't believe you actually remember that plot. | ||
| Different episodes, yeah. | ||
| I never understood. | ||
| I'm like, wait, the orders are too much so you had to go out of business. | ||
| I don't get that at all. | ||
| But it made sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dynamite! | |
| They were like, it's only black people watching. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| Apparently Jimmy Walker got really upset after a while and didn't want to say dynamite anymore. | ||
| Yeah, he hated it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dynamite! | |
| He was tortured by it, I guess. | ||
| Well, it's kind of weird. | ||
| You probably just get sick of saying it, but you remember the old saying, where's the beef? | ||
| They're now bringing that shit back now, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That lady's long dead, by the way. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Long dead. | ||
| I met her once. | ||
| You met the where's the beef lady? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So lucky. | ||
| No one's ever said that ever. | ||
| In all the years, that woman existed until now. | ||
| My mom was an executive secretary for the Wendy's Corporation in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| I love how you say Wendy's. | ||
| I had a Wendy's today and felt very guilty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So good. | |
| So very, very good. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| As far as fast food cheeseburgers go, pretty fucking sporty. | ||
| You feel better about that one, right, than other ones? | ||
| Yeah, it tastes better. | ||
| It tastes better. | ||
| You can tell it's hot. | ||
| They just made it, you know? | ||
| I'm pissed off at Carl's Jr. right now. | ||
| What? | ||
| Hardee's on the Midwest, but you know that new steak burger they show where it's this humongous steak burger with blue cheese and onion rings and it falls onto the TV and it's bouncing and beautiful and huge? | ||
| CJ. Yeah, it looked like CGI, exactly. | ||
| I just got it the other day and it looked like somebody sat on it. | ||
| And so I go, hey, this one sucks. | ||
| What the heck? | ||
| This one is all smushed. | ||
| Where's all the fucking shit? | ||
| So they made me a new one and I just didn't even look. | ||
| I just took it home and I opened it up and it was the same fucking thing. | ||
| Same thing? | ||
| It was just like the most pitiful looking fucking nasty burger. | ||
| It made me mad, though. | ||
| I've always said that that's like actresses. | ||
| They never look like their pictures. | ||
| Like their headshots. | ||
| Some actresses are cheeseburgers. | ||
| I talked to my agent about it. | ||
| He said he had girls sometimes where he's like, you're quirky. | ||
| If you get this headshot that makes you look like a model, you're going to be brought in for stuff you'll never book. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Put glasses on. | ||
| They want to be hot, dude. | ||
| They don't want to be the wacky best friend. | ||
| How did the redhead from your show and from Suddenly Susan deal with that? | ||
| Well, the one from Suddenly Susan started hanging around with a bunch of gay dudes. | ||
| So you've got to draw that way. | ||
| Kathy Griffin. | ||
| She's killing them. | ||
| She's killing them on the road, too. | ||
| Gays love her. | ||
| Well, everybody loves her. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| She's cool, too. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| And then Vicky, you know, she does a lot of Broadway. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like real acting? | ||
| Yeah, she's an amazing singer. | ||
| She's got an incredible voice. | ||
| I think that's probably her first love. | ||
| Oh, probably. | ||
| She's always on sitcoms and stuff, too. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I wonder how they deal with that, though. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| I'm going to be quirky. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I know I was the cute girl when I grew up, but in L.A., the looks are a little different. | ||
| Vicky had a hot body, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Vicky Lewis, yeah. | ||
| She's a dancer. | ||
| She had a hot body. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| She's quirky, but she's... | ||
| I rolled by this high school on the way over here, and they were playing lacrosse, and all these high school girls had their short shorts on. | ||
| Oh, Shazam, son! | ||
| God, it was so fucking... | ||
| They had the best legs. | ||
| Isn't it funny that that's like, you know, for sure shouldn't fuck them, okay? | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| You're an old man, and they're young, and, you know... | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| But, but, but, but, but, but. | ||
| Why is, why, what's going on here? | ||
| Then explain what's happening to my penis. | ||
| Yeah, what, what, when do we do? | ||
| Explain that, because something is happening. | ||
| We make a cutoff at 18, and that arbitrary cutoff means that this girl can handle it. | ||
| Alright, look, I know you're just going to fuck her and forget her, but now it's legal. | ||
| Go ahead, go! | ||
| At 18. The bell rings. | ||
| We've decided that enough time has gone by. | ||
| The chicken has hatched. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| It's ready for delivery. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Run. | ||
| And you just run. | ||
| And the moment the clock ticks 12, you can shove your cock at her. | ||
| But if you put it in five minutes before the clock ticks 12, they can lock you up in a fucking cage. | ||
| Can you rub it on the outside until 12? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't even do that? | |
| No, you can't even kiss her. | ||
| You can't even talk about it on a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't even talk about it on a podcast. | |
| Okay, so by the record, this girl that we're talking about is 23. It just looks really young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, what we're talking about is when a person turns 18. That's what we're talking about, goddammit. | ||
| It's just weird that we have a little fucking eight-timer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is weird, especially when you see those girls that are 17. You look like you're 26. I live by a horse stable, so there's all these really hot, rich chicks that have horses. | |
| So I'll be in Starbucks just waiting in line, and just some of them, man, with their little horse boots on and their little horse outfits. | ||
| You're just looking, and I'm going, goddammit, this is not fair. | ||
| This is really not fair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's rude. | |
| It's rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not how I want to be in that. | |
| Girls don't get that, though. | ||
| Girls don't look at 15-year-old boys and go, women don't do that. | ||
| Most don't, yeah. | ||
| Give me that young experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only teachers look at that. | |
| They look at a 29-year-old guy, 30-year-old guy, usually something like that. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Because men's power is right around that age when girls, they're at their best when they're 17. If anyone is past that, you've gone downhill. | ||
| That's why you feel the way you do. | ||
| And notice those girls never look at us and be like, oh my god, is that man boobs? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, like, it doesn't go the other way. | ||
| Like, little girls do not like older men in their 30s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they do if they're not molested. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If they've been molested, they do. | ||
| And please Facebook me if you have. | ||
| Holla at Ari. | ||
| He is the guy to sort out your issues. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know you've got problems. | ||
| Ari's got solutions. | ||
| What's that guy from Lost, though? | ||
| The producer guy that just married that 16-year-old in Hawaii? | ||
| I thought he was an actor. | ||
| Was he an actor? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was... | ||
| I forget who he was on the show. | ||
| He was in Lost. | ||
| He wasn't part of it, really. | ||
| Yeah, he wasn't a big part. | ||
| But yeah, the girl's tweets are goddamn hilarious. | ||
| Oh, they're awesome. | ||
| Her videos are awesome, too. | ||
| I don't know if you watch her on YouTube. | ||
| She's 16 or 17 now, and she talks about Jesus, and then talks about how dirty and naughty she has to be punished. | ||
| Her name is Courtney Stodden. | ||
| Follow this crazy bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shouldn't call her a bitch, because she's only 16. 16. Follow this crazy child. | ||
| She's 17 now. | ||
| Damn, but... | ||
| All her pictures are her in her bikini, poking her tits out. | ||
| She was also alliteration in her tweets, too. | ||
| And, oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she's very funny. | ||
| My cotton candy body. | ||
| You've got to watch the videos, Jim. | ||
| Listen, this is her updates. | ||
| The sugary taste of satisfaction is bliss. | ||
| Take the adventure inside of yourself, and you will be victorious. | ||
| And then it has a wink smile. | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| Can you imagine the nonsense you have to listen to before she'll blow you? | ||
| So much nonsense. | ||
| This poor guy. | ||
| Even though he's 51 and she's 16, he should be in jail. | ||
| Wait, where did they get married? | ||
| Where is that legal? | ||
| Vegas. | ||
| Powerful Vegas. | ||
| Powerful Vegas. | ||
| I think she's from Hawaii. | ||
| You're allowed to get married in Vegas at 16? | ||
| The weird thing is... | ||
| Why are there state laws for that? | ||
| Why don't they have a national standard for that? | ||
| They have weird ones, like New Mexico. | ||
| I think man-to-boy is like 13. Man-to-boy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They don't protect the young boys. | ||
| They don't protect them in New Mexico. | ||
| You guys are smart enough now. | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's facts. | |
| I love that when you say that. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to get a call on earth, and I really don't know. | ||
| I was like 70% sure. | ||
| I know it was a fact at one point in time that one state had that. | ||
| I thought it was New Mexico and I was using it in this piece that I was writing about Catholics and how weird it is that they take Catholics when they get accused of child molesting and they just ship them out of state. | ||
| They do it on a regular basis. | ||
| And I was wondering, you know, maybe they ship them to places where the laws were different. | ||
| And I'm like, what law would be different? | ||
| And then I found out that New Mexico was one that had a weird law. | ||
| It was like, men to woman was like 16, but men to boy was like 13. I'm like, whoa, who fucking... | ||
| You hear that, Catholics? | ||
| You hear how your organization is acting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Go ahead, stay in it. | ||
| Making my own connection. | ||
| I said, that's why. | ||
| But I remember reading all these different various state laws. | ||
| Like, you have to be careful. | ||
| You have to drag a girl across a certain spot in the dirt before you fuck her. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If you also take someone underage across state border. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even if you live close to the border. | ||
| Like, yeah, it's just going over there. | ||
| Like Kentucky and Cincinnati, when they just sort of intertwine. | ||
| They're right next to each other. | ||
| The Kentucky airport is, or the Cincinnati airport's in Kentucky. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, it's real bizarre. | ||
| So, like, there you, who, if it's... | ||
| What's the age in Canada? | ||
| It's lower there, too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's 16. 16. Might be 17, age of consent. | ||
| 18 is right. | ||
| A girl's 18. She's a little hooker. | ||
| She's out on her own. | ||
| Hopefully you've taught her to be nice and be around nice people. | ||
| She's not going to have a great memory of this, but it'll help her grow. | ||
| Yeah, look, everybody's had awkward sexual moments. | ||
| Hopefully she's around nice people and nothing bad happens to her. | ||
| Of course, everybody wants that. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, you've got to let a person be a person. | ||
| And what year is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make their own decisions. | |
| Yeah, what year is that? | ||
| Also, it ain't that bad to have sex with somebody you want to have sex with when you're 18. Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, like someone said this to me, like, well, you know, how are you going to treat your daughters when they start dating? | ||
| I go, they're girls. | ||
| Girls like boys. | ||
| Girls like boys and boys like girls. | ||
| It's my job to make sure that they see what a nice guy is like. | ||
| You know where that question comes from? | ||
| That question comes from the ideal that you're like, no, any sort of sex is victimization of women. | ||
| Well, it's also the idea of someone shoving their cock in your baby. | ||
| Okay, it's not just that. | ||
| You raise this child since there's this little tiny thing in diapers. | ||
| It's like something bad that's going to happen to them, but it's not. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| It's also just you're losing the innocence of their youth, even if they want it. | ||
| What about a guy shoving his cock into a girl? | ||
| That same sort of innocence of youth. | ||
| Nah, it doesn't matter if the guy loses it. | ||
| If the guy loses it, it's like a celebration. | ||
| When the girl loses it, it's like, my baby's sucking cock in the back of my head. | ||
| Yeah, because you feel like something bad is happening to her. | ||
| Yeah, if you're a parent and you come outside and you see a foggy car and you peer in and your daughter's sucking some guy's cock... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's going to bum you out, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| It's going to bum you out. | ||
| Dude, I don't even like seeing it if it's someone that I know and not have a crush on, but just like as a human. | ||
| If I saw Eleanor fucking blowing some guy in a car, I'd be like, oh, Eleanor. | ||
| Well, you know, this girl had to get permission from her father, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Should it get signed over? | ||
| Yeah, and her mother and father had no problem with her marrying this dude. | ||
| Eleanor's a perfect example for that. | ||
| This is exactly what I was thinking of. | ||
| She's going to be fascinating. | ||
| This girl, this 16-year-old. | ||
| She's so fascinating already. | ||
| Whatever it is, she's off the deep end crazy. | ||
| Man. | ||
| If you could get one of those helmets that record brainwaves and put it on that chick's head, it would just be like 4th of July in the air. | ||
| Everything's just going in all sorts of different directions. | ||
| What if the whole thing is viral marketing? | ||
| Oh, just her? | ||
| She's the next lonely girl 18 or whatever. | ||
| They said she puts out a lot of tweets that are really interesting. | ||
| She's a Joaquin Phoenix of Hot Chicks. | ||
| She's just hiring a staff of writers. | ||
| It's just a troll. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think so, dude. | ||
| I think she's a nutty bitch. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| She's just a hot, young, nutty girl. | ||
| There's so many crazies now and they're exploited. | ||
| It's working. | ||
| We're talking about it. | ||
| We're on this podcast. | ||
| Half a million people are listening to this right now. | ||
| It's interesting because it's so weird. | ||
| Follow her tweets, though. | ||
| Who cares if she... | ||
| I don't want to support her. | ||
| Listen, man, you ain't giving her anything. | ||
| Follow her tweets. | ||
| These bitches... | ||
| Yeah, it's not supporting. | ||
| It doesn't do anything. | ||
| It just entertains you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch her videos. | |
| Her videos are fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| She talks about haters and stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's retarded. | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
| Wild wiggling and jauntily jiggling myself into jolting jams as I friskily flaunt a flirty outfit completed with sexy white 7-inch go-go boots. | ||
| Wink. | ||
| Smile. | ||
| Yep, all of it. | ||
| Bitch knows how to write! | ||
| She goes a little much to the alliteration. | ||
| She's wise beyond her age. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's probably her husband writing it. | ||
| When do you think we're going to see the sex tape? | ||
| Because it's going to be illegal. | ||
| Isn't that fascinating? | ||
| Not that she turns 18. Then, if she makes it then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But she has to be 18. Yeah, when she makes it. | |
| And we have to make sure, they would have to make sure that this... | ||
| She would have to have a newspaper in the video. | ||
| Yeah, a newspaper and a clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And as soon as it strikes midnight and she hits 18, he shoves it in there and just starts monkey-fucking her. | ||
| Can you imagine that, if that would be the video? | ||
| Like, there's a countdown. | ||
| The first five minutes of the video is just four minutes and 59 seconds, four minutes and 58 seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
An underage is in a porno, but she's not doing any porn until she's 18. Yeah, well, she sits there with her ass up in the air with her pants on. | |
| Maybe playing with blocks on the ground or something. | ||
| With her hands on her button, the moment it hits one... | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Bang. | ||
| Slop. | ||
| He comes running in like a fucking linebacker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doosh! | |
| Dick right in the pussy. | ||
| Pow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They should do that if they haven't done that already. | |
| Yeah, they should do it. | ||
| The most ridiculous porn of all time. | ||
| Hey, porn producers, get on it. | ||
| Do you think there's ever anyone who's done a porn and that porn was the first time they had sex? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It must be, right? | ||
| It should be a brother and a sister. | ||
| Twin brother and sister. | ||
| I would like to see that, though. | ||
| They're both sitting there at 11.59. | ||
| Verifiable. | ||
| Verifiable. | ||
| I would love to see someone have sex for the first time on camera. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I knew it was real. | ||
| But first time is not that good, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| First time is just like, what the hell are we doing? | ||
| But from a voyeuristic standpoint, it'd be interesting to watch. | ||
| Is that what you're all about, Ari? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'll show you my third time if you want to. | ||
| You have your third time on tape? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It was last week. | ||
| He's got a fucking camera set up at his house. | ||
| He ate a bunch of tribulus and got in there. | ||
| Have you ever taped yourself? | ||
| Taped myself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| And you have? | ||
| That's bad for you, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit gets on the internet. | ||
| I never have. | ||
| Well, luckily it's on... | ||
| Even the days before the internet? | ||
| You not like the way your body looks naked? | ||
| Do I not? | ||
| No, it just seems like a lot of setup time. | ||
| I just want to fuck. | ||
| It's very creepy. | ||
| And you watch it a bunch. | ||
| You see your butthole and stuff. | ||
| Definitely, if I were to do it again, I would do it the other way around. | ||
| Do you like your angles? | ||
| There's no reason to see your butthole. | ||
| You don't like your angles. | ||
| I was horrible at angles. | ||
| Horrible at angles? | ||
| You didn't know how to work the MySpace thing? | ||
| Plus, it was on a waterbed, so it was just really creepy looking. | ||
| It was just buttholes and motions and bad. | ||
| Well, people have, like, started up their own, like, porn sites, too. | ||
| There's a bunch of them where it's, like, guys and their wives, and they would just fuck on camera. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| It was real common. | ||
| Remember, like, Wifey's World? | ||
| That was one of them. | ||
| It's still around, isn't it? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Or do they get divorced? | ||
| But the problem is, once you realize, oh, I can just fake these and make a bunch of money. | ||
| She might be a hot old milf right now, but she's probably in her late 40s, I think. | ||
| That ain't good. | ||
| Because this was a long time ago that this was going on. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| But it was all videos of this guy. | ||
| You never saw the guy, but his wife just blowing him. | ||
| She's just constantly sucking on the same cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| And there's another one. | ||
| There was iDeepThroat.com. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| That girl and her husband. | ||
| A lot of porn stars do that. | ||
| Like, I'll only fuck my boyfriend now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the only guy. | ||
| That shit's boring to us, girls. | ||
| Either you're a whore or you're not. | ||
| Commit. | ||
| It seems like you're liking this. | ||
| I'm tuning out. | ||
| Yeah, ew. | ||
| What, are you really in love with that guy? | ||
| Barf. | ||
| How strange. | ||
| Yeah, that's horrible shit. | ||
| How's your smoking, buddy? | ||
| Smoking? | ||
| Your smoking, buddy. | ||
| Oh, Jaden James. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| My smoking buddy. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Isn't it weird being friends with porno stars and then you see their work? | ||
| Isn't that strange? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And you're like, oh, I know you. | ||
| Still something's happening. | ||
| It makes masturbation easier, though. | ||
| It makes masturbation easier? | ||
| Yeah, because you're hanging out with somebody and you're like, oh, I could actually see what this girl looks like having sex now. | ||
| And that's, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I normally, when I know somebody who has a porn, I'll avoid it on purpose. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want to fucking see this. | ||
| But then, I remember after Jaden wouldn't fuck me that night, when I came home, I was like, look, beat off to you. | ||
| May as well. | ||
| I'm going to move to this. | ||
| What happened was, Ari thought he was going to get some, and she was going to come over Ari's, or he was going to go over hers. | ||
| I went over to her place. | ||
| And they were going to smoke weed together. | ||
| And Ari's like, oh shit, it's on. | ||
| Smoke weed at 2am with a hot porn star. | ||
| So he's like, oh shit, it's on, kid. | ||
| And she got over there. | ||
| She's like, Ari, no. | ||
| Listen, I'm in my panties, but that's just how I roll. | ||
| Well, most of them are actually not as horny and crazy as Brie Olsen. | ||
| I want to meet Brie Olsen because Brie Olsen seems like in real life she'll fuck the janitor. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| She wants to seem like that. | ||
| I think Norton shot a load into her. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I actually think he pulled out, but I think she said that he could have come inside of her, but I think he panicked. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I talked to James for my podcast. | ||
| Yeah, how was that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, let's talk about that, too, because you've got a podcast that's out on its own now. | ||
| It's not under the Death Squad label anymore. | ||
| Brian and Ari got a divorce. | ||
| We got a divorce. | ||
| But we're all in the same family. | ||
| I want to do more at home and stuff, but on the road. | ||
| Yeah, so he got a whole setup and everything, and we actually used that setup on a plane. | ||
| It was pretty fucking cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was really good, dude. | ||
| It came out. | ||
| The setup is nice. | ||
| And I'm going to start duplicating that. | ||
| Handheld mics? | ||
| Yeah, handheld mics. | ||
| Sennheisers with a mic cover. | ||
| And it connects right into one of those Zooms. | ||
| It's good stuff, man. | ||
| But she was on the podcast and actually talked about going home. | ||
| Let's tell people what it is. | ||
| It's Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, yeah. | ||
| If you go to AriTheGreat.com, everything's on there. | ||
| So what did she do? | ||
| You guys talked about it, like going home that night. | ||
| It was kind of uncomfortable because it was like hearing her side of it. | ||
| Her side is completely fine. | ||
| It's like, you know, I had no intention of ever fucking you. | ||
| I'm allowed to not fuck people. | ||
| I don't want to fuck. | ||
| Like, yeah, that sounds reasonable, but why is my dick still dry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is my dick still trying? | |
| Listen, I saw you let that black guy fuck in your asshole. | ||
| Yeah, she's hardcore. | ||
| Just let me have your mouth. | ||
| It was pretty fun, actually. | ||
| She was talking about doing a gangbang, and she's never done that before. | ||
| That was one of her goals. | ||
| She wanted to do a gangbang? | ||
| She did it finally, right? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| How many people was it? | ||
| 4,000. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| What is her name again? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Jaden James. | ||
| J-A-Y. The normal spelling of Jaden. | ||
| J-A-Y-D-E-N. Point stars love Y. And they like the word Jaden. | ||
| They love the letter Y. It makes them feel like a little girl again. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Which one are you looking for? | ||
| Kangbang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, there's a bunch of dudes. | ||
| One, two, three, four. | ||
| And it's not that many. | ||
| It's like ten dudes are banging our hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ten dudes? | |
| There's a lot of dudes to be fucking at once. | ||
| A lot of dudes wouldn't do that in a year. | ||
| First of all, how dare this bitch deny you after you see this? | ||
| How dare she? | ||
| Have you seen the Dana Dearman gangbang? | ||
| That scared me a little. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because she looked like she was almost about to black out from so much choking and cocks. | ||
| Yeah, and then afterwards she was crying and saying how amazing it was. | ||
| I just want to tell everybody that I love them. | ||
| I love you all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| I can't wait for people to see this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| I hung out with her the other day. | ||
| She's so awesome. | ||
| She's funny, too, man. | ||
| She was really funny on the podcast. | ||
| We did the podcast with her, dude. | ||
| She's a funny chick. | ||
| She says funny shit. | ||
| She refuses to post on your message board anymore. | ||
| There's a lot of meanies. | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Too many people wouldn't know the right line. | ||
| Well, you know what it is, man? | ||
| It's just that they're anonymous, and it's too easy to just fucking poke. | ||
| Too easy to be a dick. | ||
| Yeah, but even... | ||
| You know the comedy show, like, late at night, someone will have, like, a girl on stage, and she'll be like... | ||
| It'll be getting kind of weird. | ||
| And hopefully... | ||
| We're all hoping she takes her shirt off. | ||
| Like, that's the end goal. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But someone will like, so whoever's on stage, let's say Bear is on stage. | ||
| Show us your tits, whore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| PJ. | ||
| PJ. | ||
| And you'll be like, PJ, you're ruining it. | ||
| Would you just understand a line we've all agreed on here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show us your tits, Right off the bat! | |
| Now she's clammed up! | ||
| Yeah, you have to trust a lot of people. | ||
| Only a few ruins it. | ||
| Well, I have who knows how many thousands of members on my message board. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| And too many of them are douchebags, unfortunately. | ||
| Oh, I know what to say. | ||
| And people got upset that I said there was a lot of negativity on the board. | ||
| People got angry about being negative. | ||
| Well, that I said it. | ||
| We had a conversation about how many negative people are on the board, but you're fucking negative, man. | ||
| We're not lying. | ||
| We're not lying. | ||
| You guys are tiresome. | ||
| And it's not everybody. | ||
| There's a lot of really cool, smart people there. | ||
| I mean, we've met a bunch of them in person, like the Savage Science dude. | ||
| That guy's cool as fuck. | ||
| We're talking about Johnny Rotten on Friday. | ||
| Yeah, Johnny Rotten's cool as fuck. | ||
| There's a lot of cool people. | ||
| Wick is great. | ||
| I hung out with Wick in Houston. | ||
| Dude, Wick and his mom. | ||
| I drank with Wick and his mom in Houston. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In HR. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Cool fucking people, man. | ||
| That was back in the day. | ||
| And we did have negative people back in the day. | ||
| It was like one or two people that we dealt with, but now it's like so many. | ||
| It's just numbers. | ||
| The numbers are just so big. | ||
| And some of the MMA influence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| Those guys come in with that attitude. | ||
| So many douchebags. | ||
| And they want to get into arguments, too. | ||
| There's some guys that are just professional trolls. | ||
| That's all they do, is they just say things hoping to upset your feelings and hoping to drag you into some sort of an argument. | ||
| And then you're there. | ||
| I got in a fight with fucking Francesca Hilton the other day. | ||
| And I was so mad at letting myself... | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| She's like Zsa Zsa Gabor's granddaughter or something, her daughter. | ||
| Remember her? | ||
| She used to hang out at the store. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| And then Mitzi eventually made her a paid regular for who knows why. | ||
| And so she hangs around. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Now I do remember. | ||
| She's kind of a big girl. | ||
| Yeah, big. | ||
| Just super attention whore. | ||
| Like, needs it. | ||
| Needs it. | ||
| So she was in the showroom the other day, and she was making noise. | ||
| Bear was on stage. | ||
| And he said something to me from on stage of like, oh, look, a Jew's coming or something like that. | ||
| And I was like, I have one question. | ||
| Why is she in here making noise during a show? | ||
| I don't understand why this stupid idiot is making noise and not being thrown out. | ||
| And then while I was on, she took a phone call. | ||
| She keeps moving up. | ||
| The phone rang. | ||
| She was like, sorry. | ||
| I'm like, shut the fuck off. | ||
| You fucking bitch, shut the fuck off. | ||
| How many people were in the audience? | ||
| 25, 30, something like that. | ||
| It was just like, what are you doing here? | ||
| Why are you in the showroom? | ||
| And she was like, my mother is dying. | ||
| And I'm like, you're a fucking cunt. | ||
| You need to die. | ||
| And I'm like, why am I fighting with an idiot? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I'd leave my life so I don't have to get drawn into this shit. | ||
| Your mother's a cunt? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Oh my... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What'd you tell her? | ||
| No, she said her mom's dying, and I said, I hope you die. | ||
| You're a cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, no, her mom. | ||
| I would never attack her mom. | ||
| What are you guys talking about? | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| You need to sit down and talk to this person. | ||
| No, I just need to never be involved with her. | ||
| You have iPhone karma, don't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unresolved issues, bro. | |
| What do you think about the fact that this person is in your life to move you in a certain direction? | ||
| I felt so bad about it. | ||
| I was like, why did I let her have any control over me? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a terrible thing when you let your anger get away from you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| There was a douchey security guard in Houston. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this lady was like so rude. | ||
| And they tried to move me through to get me into the arena. | ||
| I had my pass on me. | ||
| And she goes, I don't care. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I need to find his name on the list. | ||
| I was like, wow, okay. | ||
| It's like the tone and the... | ||
| You're so pleasant to deal with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so glad we got you. | |
| And the you have to listen to me thing. | ||
| And after everybody told them everything's cool, I show the ID, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| We got the badges on and have the names on it and all the designations. | ||
| Finally, after that, she informs me that we have to wear wristbands. | ||
| So... | ||
| And I gotta put it on you. | ||
| Can I put it on myself? | ||
| I have it in my hand. | ||
| She goes, no, you cannot do it yourself. | ||
| I will put it on you, sir. | ||
| And then the guy's like, you're disrespecting her, man. | ||
| You're disrespecting her. | ||
| I go, I'm disrespecting her by trying to put this paper. | ||
| I go, you guys are power tripping. | ||
| I go, this is ridiculous. | ||
| I go, I'm just trying to go to work. | ||
| You want me to wear the paper wristband? | ||
| I'll wear the paper wristband. | ||
| But you have to put it on me? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That's the problem when those people get put in charge. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If you work at Starbucks, you shouldn't be in control of throwing somebody out. | ||
| It was so gross. | ||
| It's gross when people power trip on you. | ||
| When people just act like dicks. | ||
| It's one thing if you're following the rules. | ||
| There was another lady that we dealt with on the other side. | ||
| Show your ID. Go through the whole thing. | ||
| She was very pleasant in the way she did it. | ||
| How are y'all doing this afternoon? | ||
| I'm like, good. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Everything good? | ||
| Everything's good? | ||
| Let's just check up here real quick and say your name. | ||
| I should know you, shouldn't I? Alright, well here's your ID. How hard is that to do? | ||
| I got a security guard at one of the UFC's. | ||
| I think it was in Nashville. | ||
| I was sitting up in those seats near you. | ||
| No one was there. | ||
| I didn't know anybody there. | ||
| I went back to get something to eat. | ||
| When I came back, she goes, do you have a pass? | ||
| I'm like, I don't really have one at all. | ||
| She goes, I'll try to remember you. | ||
| Next time I went back there, I got her a fucking Pepsi. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| Yeah, she was like, you saw me walking with this guy. | ||
| You know I'm cool. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| You're being a regular human being. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah, she was totally rad. | ||
| That's the move, too. | ||
| You should get him something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Give him a little treat. | ||
| You're noticeably cooler than someone else. | ||
| I'd love to help you out. | ||
| You look thirsty. | ||
| This would make me feel joy. | ||
| You make their night a little shiny. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You bring a little shininess to their night. | ||
| Do it to each other. | ||
| Dude, I'm taking my CD in two weeks. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| Is he going to do it in Edmonton? | ||
| Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. | ||
| Canada? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gather round. | ||
| Where? | ||
| The comic strip. | ||
| And what are the exact dates? | ||
| October 26th through the 30th. | ||
| October 26th through the 30th. | ||
| Edmonton. | ||
| Let's make this happen. | ||
| Let's make this happen. | ||
| Can people buy tickets online already? | ||
| Yeah, yes, actually. | ||
| TheComicStrip.ca. | ||
| TheComicStrip.ca. | ||
| That's their version of.com. | ||
| And again, for the people slow to write this down, when is the date? | ||
| The date is October 26th through the 30th. | ||
| 26th through the 30th. | ||
| And what day is you going to do the CD? I think all of them. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Definitely the weekend. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| You should try to put everything down. | ||
| Try to put everything you have down. | ||
| I mean, you have, over the course of the years that I've known you, you've rotated acts a few times. | ||
| So many times. | ||
| It's like, I'm just tired of it. | ||
| I'm sick of it. | ||
| Well, you know, it's funny. | ||
| We were talking about that one bit that you have, that you had a line that I said, how come you now lose that? | ||
| And you're like, actually, that was from another bit. | ||
| I was like, oh, yeah. | ||
| They're kind of the same bit. | ||
| It's just one little overlap of a line. | ||
| I'll just say, it's like, why did you come inside me? | ||
| I have a few girls and a few different stories having said that to me. | ||
| Yeah, both anally and otherwise. | ||
| So you're like, that reaction was so much better. | ||
| At the time. | ||
| You know what I've been doing, though? | ||
| I've been recording a lot of my stuff and listening to it in mind, like, can I see this stuff? | ||
| And I'm like, can't do that bit, can't do that bit, can't do that line, that's okay. | ||
| You can do it anyway. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| Some of it, when it's a full act out, when I'm like, there's a minute and a half here. | ||
| Well, you just explain it after you do it for the poor fucks that have this on CD. What I just did was reach down and grab my dick. | ||
| I actually wrote a letter to Dane and he was really cool about it. | ||
| He was like, you do a lot of physical CDs. | ||
| He's a physical comic who's got a lot of audio CDs. | ||
| He goes, after my first CD, I had to go back and say, no more act-outs. | ||
| I can't see any of this on stage. | ||
| He said, no more Godzilla act-out. | ||
| I'm assuming that's something for a five minute long thing where it's like, man, this makes no sense in CD form. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| He said it would always justify what he was doing with his words to help illustrate it. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| But some people just love a plain physical comedy. | ||
| And even though you don't understand what the fuck is going on when you're listening to the CD, sometimes it's okay. | ||
| Yeah, but here's my thoughts on it. | ||
| Like, there's some words, because Steve Simone said this. | ||
| He goes, when I remember when I was listening to CDs, there were some things I couldn't see. | ||
| I know he made a funny face there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he'd be like, I love this, and I so wish I could also see it live so I could be there. | ||
| But they didn't lose anything out of it. | ||
| Like, damn it. | ||
| I know it's a cool, funny face. | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing quite like... | ||
| Yeah, being live at a stand-up show, even if there's 40 people in the room, it's still better than any CD or special. | ||
| And I think that, yeah, and I think that really if you're going to record a CD, if you're going to record a special, the real way to do it is 200 people. | ||
| That's not what anybody ever wants to hear. | ||
| Everybody wants to do these big, giant... | ||
| I think that's what this place is, around that. | ||
| 200 people? | ||
| Yeah, the comic show. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| First CD I ever did was the Laugh Stop in Houston. | ||
| How big was that? | ||
| Old Laugh Stop. | ||
| 250 maybe? | ||
| 250. I think we got 300 people in there one day. | ||
| But it goes off. | ||
| Stuffed folding chairs everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They go off. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| On a different level than an auditorium. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I just did the Verizon Wireless Theater in Houston. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| And it's huge. | ||
| That place is gigantic. | ||
| But I hadn't been in Houston forever, so there was a lot of energy there. | ||
| For me, it was like a big... | ||
| That's an important city for me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You get stuck in your head. | ||
| Like, I've got to make a show for these people. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's something in me. | ||
| Do you think you're going to go back to a comedy club there soon? | ||
| Yeah, I might. | ||
| I might go back to that comedy club. | ||
| When I put my special out, after I'm done with this special, I'm going to have to write some new shit. | ||
| I'll spend a lot more time doing clubs and a lot less time doing theaters. | ||
| Because in clubs, it's way easier to come up with new shit. | ||
| It's a more experimental environment when there's like 200 to 300 people. | ||
| The acoustics at a place like that must be creepy. | ||
| What place? | ||
| A giant place? | ||
| A big giant place? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| It's all about the sound system. | ||
| It's so weird how if a crowd is up against the wall, if it goes all the way to the outside walls, laughter bounces. | ||
| I'm making this part up, but it seems like it bounces harder and everyone laughs more. | ||
| But when there's space in between the wall or the ceiling, then it doesn't go off as much because you're not surrounded by this laughter. | ||
| Yeah, like, the perfect example is the right and the wrong way to do it. | ||
| It's Cobbs. | ||
| Cobbs in San Francisco. | ||
| Cobbs, the old Cobbs, was 150 fucking seats. | ||
| I was going to say, I'm not that into that room. | ||
| That room's okay, but it's like, meh. | ||
| The old room. | ||
| The old room, yeah. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| You only played once on a Wednesday. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, just on, like, best of San Francisco night. | ||
| It was a great room. | ||
| It was a great room. | ||
| It was real small, and it was one of the few rooms that I would do for cheap, because I knew that I would go up there and have a real good time, and I knew this would be a good place. | ||
| It's a good place to fuck around, work on my material. | ||
| Give me a shitty wage, but make it a good show. | ||
| Yeah, but they went from that to a giant place. | ||
| Now their place is like $4.50 with a big high ceiling and a balcony. | ||
| Too high and the balcony goes back. | ||
| The balcony is too far back. | ||
| Yeah, so you're really far away. | ||
| But it's so cool that it doesn't even matter. | ||
| It's still really great. | ||
| The crowds are great. | ||
| The crowds are fantastic. | ||
| The build of it is not perfect. | ||
| So there's two places to me that are super important. | ||
| Three places. | ||
| Boston, because I started there. | ||
| San Francisco and Houston. | ||
| Those are the two places. | ||
| Houston did my first CD. That pink thing on the wall back there, the Warner Brothers one. | ||
| I got a deal with Warner Brothers. | ||
| They were going to really push this. | ||
| It was a really good deal. | ||
| And then Disney bought them. | ||
| Some Disney. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Pretty sure Disney bought them. | ||
| Yeah, it was Disney. | ||
| And then what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't promote my CD at all. | |
| They listened to it. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| The opening bit is two guys fucking each other in the basement while they're working out. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Getting pumped. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| They heard that. | ||
| I wanted that to be the first track. | ||
| I wanted it to be something that I could only do. | ||
| They said, do you think about doing a song? | ||
| I said, yeah, I'll do a song. | ||
| And they said, what do you think about doing a sketch? | ||
| And I said, okay, I'll come up with a sketch. | ||
| So I decided I want to come up with something that's so fucked up, you can't have it anywhere else. | ||
| Anywhere else but that. | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| Will you ever re-release that? | ||
| I think you can still buy it. | ||
| It's really hard, and it's always the CD that's not on the iTunes, or it's not on any digital. | ||
| I don't believe that one is. | ||
| I think I've tried to find it a couple times in Spotify and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| I think there's some good material on it. | ||
| You're a better comic now, but you were still really a comic, though. | ||
| People will get joy out of that. | ||
| Yeah, it's good stuff. | ||
| I mean, I was really proud of it when it came out. | ||
| And I was really proud that I did it in Houston. | ||
| Because Houston was... | ||
| My number one favorite comedians are Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks. | ||
| Those are my two favorite guys. | ||
| And they're both from Houston. | ||
| So for me, you know, being able to sell out in Houston, pack this place, I was like, wow, this is like... | ||
| Man, I love Kinison. | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| He was my favorite. | ||
| I think out of all... | ||
| Let me see if... | ||
| The stuff he does makes me just like, go like, wow. | ||
| Getting away with this is so good. | ||
| Out of all the great guys, I feel like he just had this completely different approach. | ||
| I remember watching him, the first time I watched him, going, oh, that's comedy, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, they're opening up a new club in San Diego, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Justin Hollister. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, my CD's not in here, man. | ||
| Yeah, there's been a couple times where I've wanted to... | ||
| Isn't that the one with the song on it? | ||
| Your awesome song? | ||
| Yeah, Voodoo Panani. | ||
| Like, I've wanted to play that for people, and I'm like, oh, I'll find it on iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Oh, wait, I'll find it on this. | ||
| And it's not on anything. | ||
| Well, I'll have them put it on. | ||
| I'll figure out a way to put it on. | ||
| I'm sure Warner Brothers probably owns it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| But it's not as good as, like I said, my delivery's not nearly as good as it is now. | ||
| It's funny, comedy's weird at that. | ||
| Yeah, comedy's weird like that, though. | ||
| I liked having something when I was, you know, 27 years old. | ||
| Well, the same thing as musicians. | ||
| You ever hear old albums of a band before they sign with a major album, and you're like, eh, I see where you were going, but you're not there yet. | ||
| But it's still like, I want to have it. | ||
| And that, to me, that CD represents a sort of an awakening that I had with stand-up comedy, too, because I was doing news radio. | ||
| And when I was doing news radio, there was a long time where I got fucking really lazy, man, and I wasn't writing any new material. | ||
| Oh yeah, you talked about that once. | ||
| I was just being lazy. | ||
| I was just doing the TV show, and when I was doing the TV show, I'd get tired from doing it, and then I would fuck off, and I wouldn't write any new shit. | ||
| So you just do the same stuff? | ||
| Yeah, my act got really stale, and then some writers from the show came to see me, and I bombed. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| With old stuff? |
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