Sept. 22, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
56:08
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I didn't know. | ||
| I talked about it before I did it. | ||
| I hung up... | ||
| Is this like online now? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, you're an internet legend right now. | ||
| It's online. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Wait, this is on? | ||
| Do you see that old couple who couldn't figure out the webcam? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's a funny viral video of this old couple trying to figure out how to work their webcam, and the webcam is recording the whole time. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, like, cute. | ||
| Could you imagine being an old person dealing with the internet now? | ||
| They must feel ripped off. | ||
| I already find little things that I'm already getting annoyed about. | ||
| Like I'm doing the thing where I don't want to learn it type thing. | ||
| You know, like how my dad doesn't want an iPhone. | ||
| He wants a phone and he doesn't want anything else. | ||
| Those crazy people. | ||
| Those are crazy people. | ||
| Those crazy people. | ||
| Hey, listen, I don't want no textages. | ||
| I used to be like that. | ||
| I don't want a camera on my head. | ||
| Are you like that for anything though? | ||
| I mean, I find myself with things, like maybe video games or something like that. | ||
| The swarm of technology overwhelmed my life so quickly. | ||
| I embraced it so quickly. | ||
| I used to joke about text messages. | ||
| I had a bit about it. | ||
| Why is it? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| It's been a long time since I left the fucking phone on, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And I do apologize. | ||
| Maybe it's a caller. | ||
| It's a late night podcast, folks. | ||
| And I had been doing Fear Factor all day. | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| First time caller? | ||
| Let's hope they don't call back. | ||
| I like this game. | ||
| I like to hear who it is. | ||
| This one doesn't tell you. | ||
| It's a better phone though. | ||
| I gave up on it just constantly telling me who's calling. | ||
| Sometimes I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't want to hear that voice. | ||
| That electronic voice that fucks up everybody's name. | ||
| Receiving call from Brendan. | ||
| Does it repeat it over and over? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have any old answer machines laying around? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you have one, find it. | ||
| If you have one in your basement or your garage, plug that shit in and just listen to the messages of your life from, what, seven years ago or something like that. | ||
| I just did that. | ||
| And it was the most creepiest shit ever. | ||
| I was like, wow, I was in a weird place right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like, hey, Brian, I need you to work two double shifts, you know, here and there, and I think I got my girlfriend pregnant. | |
| We're going to go over to the bowling alley later. | ||
| And I'm just like, what? | ||
| You used to talk to when you were in Ohio? | ||
| Yeah, like people from Ohio and stuff like that. | ||
| It was so fucking weird. | ||
| Do you look back on people from Ohio like they don't know that Ohio is like, you gotta escape? | ||
| I think people in Ohio just feel trapped. | ||
| They feel trapped? | ||
| Yeah, I felt trapped when I was there because you don't make a lot of money when you live in Ohio for the majority of people, or at least the class I was in. | ||
| I was just working job to job, getting laid off, you know, whatever, to do another job. | ||
| And it was just like, wow, $13 an hour, ooh, $14 an hour, something like that. | ||
| But I didn't have enough money to move or go to California. | ||
| That seemed ridiculous, you know? | ||
| It's hard to move from... | ||
| That's everywhere, though. | ||
| Especially with family. | ||
| That's like the neighborhood I grew up in is the same way. | ||
| Like when I moved to... | ||
| I lived in Ireland for a year in like 96, and... | ||
| It blew people's minds. | ||
| They were like, how the fuck do you go to Ireland? | ||
| Like, what are you, just bought a plane ticket? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, you can do that. | ||
| So that's what you did? | ||
| You didn't know anybody in Ireland? | ||
| You just moved there? | ||
| Yeah, I just went. | ||
| That's pretty savage. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love that idea. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That must have been a hell of an experience. | ||
| It was fun, yeah. | ||
| You learn a lot. | ||
| You learn that things usually work out. | ||
| What was the motivation for that? | ||
| I actually, you know, I did talk about this on Maren's podcast recently. | ||
| We should just play Maren's podcast. | ||
| Yeah, let's just play. | ||
| We'll go back and take the best place. | ||
| I mean, the short story is I was somebody I knew drowned, and I had to identify their body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And... | ||
| And it just kind of like, I was like 23, and she was pretty young. | ||
| She was like 22 or 23, and she was taking classes in the summer to graduate college earlier. | ||
| And I just thought like, oh, she's taking classes, like doing all this shit she didn't want to do. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just was like, oh, you can just do whatever you want. | ||
| And life's short, I guess. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I just... | ||
| That was kind of the motivation. | ||
| And I saw a cheap ticket to Ireland. | ||
| I think you might have told me this story before. | ||
| But it's fascinating nonetheless. | ||
| We very rarely get to see dead bodies. | ||
| It's so rare that you get to see one. | ||
| I remember when I saw my grandfather. | ||
| My grandfather died of cancer. | ||
| And when I went to the morgue, you know, where they have them all dressed up and shit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And you're standing near the body. | ||
| In the casket there? | ||
| I realized, I was like, this is the first dead body I've ever been around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| I've never really been around a dead body. | ||
| It's amazing that all these people die, but we do such a good job of keeping bodies away from people's views. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eyeballs, yeah. | |
| Yeah, because it's so disturbing. | ||
| Well, like viewings, though. | ||
| That's why it doesn't never kind of tweak you out when you think about a dude who'd be a mortician. | ||
| I mean, I understand that it's a very important job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think about that. | |
| I understand it's an important job. | ||
| I do get it. | ||
| And, you know, forensic medicine, the idea of, you know, solving crimes and, you know, checking people's corpses and shit, like that Dr. Michael Badden. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| That's an amazing show, that HBO show. | ||
| But doesn't it fucking freak you out that they're handling dead bodies? | ||
| There's something about that, man, that tweaks my head. | ||
| Just touching dead bodies. | ||
| The idea, just the possibility, and I know this is not the case with these doctors, and I know it's most likely not the case with 99.9% of the morticians. | ||
| But the fact that there's like the 1% that would enjoy fucking their bodies and moving them around and smacking them and putting on little shows for himself. | ||
| That Sam Kinison bit, that made me pee my pants the first time I heard it when I was a kid. | ||
| That bit got me to think about doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| That bit, and it wasn't even told by Sam Kinison. | ||
| It was told by a girl that I worked with. | ||
| I was working at this health club, and this girl came in, and she was just fucking laughing. | ||
| She was like, oh my God, that heavy Boston accent. | ||
| I saw fucking this guy on TV, Sam Kinison. | ||
| Oh my God, he was so fucking funny. | ||
| So she goes, and she did on the floor. | ||
| She got down on the stomach. | ||
| She did, oh, human life keeps fucking you. | ||
| It never ends! | ||
| She did it, and she did a pretty good job of it, because I was laughing hard, and I was like, wow, he said what? | ||
| That's the craziest thing I've ever heard of. | ||
| And then I got a hold of the VHS tape, and I remember watching that bit going, god damn, that's comedy too? | ||
| That's comedy too? | ||
| I thought comedy was that evening at the improv stuff. | ||
| I thought comedy for white guys was you rolled up your sleeves and you talked about pet food. | ||
| That's really what you saw on TV a lot, and as a child, I saw that and And occasionally you saw something on The Tonight Show. | ||
| I saw Delirious. | ||
| I'm a little younger than you. | ||
| When I was 14, I saw Delirious and Andrew Dice Clay, his special from the TLA. Yeah, Delirious is another one. | ||
| And Raw. | ||
| Delirious might have been so good that I never even thought I could possibly do stand-up at that time. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| I think I was getting older when Kinnison came around. | ||
| I was more confident. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think Delirious was when I was younger, and I remember watching over my friend Jimmy Lawless' house. | ||
| Me and him and his sister were watching this, and it was so funny. | ||
| No, it was not Jimmy. | ||
| John Bataraco's sister, for the record. | ||
| We're all sitting around, and we're watching, and it was so fucking funny that we were embarrassed to be sitting next to each other. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| For the time when we were teenagers in high school, Eddie Murphy Raw was just like, or Delirious rather, was just a destroyer. | ||
| Raw's really good. | ||
| I rented Raw recently again. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| I did because I saw it a couple times when I was a kid and just rented it because I couldn't really remember any bits from it. | ||
| And it's pretty good. | ||
| No, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| There's some nostalgia to it, too, right? | ||
| There's some nostalgia to it, but it's like, God, he's wearing this leather suit. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| His suit was awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Martin Lawrence had some fucking awesome suits, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Black guys can pull that off. | ||
| Could you imagine if some white comic went on stage, if Patton Oswalt started doing all of his shit in a leather suit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be hilarious. | ||
| There's something weird about that, man. | ||
| Black comics can go way more sexy. | ||
| They can go way harder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that suit's funny. | ||
| When my friend, do you know Chelsea Peretti? | ||
| Chelsea Peretti. | ||
| I know the name. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| She did a half hour special for Comedy Central last year, and she was going to wear the red leather suit that Eddie Murphy wore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Delirious. | |
| We were trying to find something. | ||
| I don't know if she really was going to do it, but... | ||
| Did you watch The Roast of Charlie Sheen? | ||
| When Mike Tyson held out his fist and Steve-O ran his face in it and broke his nose. | ||
| That was funny, but you know what was the funniest part? | ||
| Was that woman? | ||
| Who was that comic? | ||
| The one that just attacked? | ||
| Yeah, the one who went after... | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Amy Schumer? | ||
| Amy Schumer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's who it is. | ||
| Dude, she's hilarious. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She attacked Mike Tyson. | ||
| It was one of the most bold and vicious insult attacks I've ever seen. | ||
| And Tyson tried to come back, like tried to go after her. | ||
| He said something like, I think, if there was as many dicks out of you that within you, you would look like a porcupine. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what he said. | ||
| Was that what he said? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she just goes... | ||
| Does anyone have a translator for that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she was really funny. | |
| I actually enjoyed that. | ||
| I thought it was good, though. | ||
| I didn't watch it, but I heard her shit. | ||
| They were playing it on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| I was fucking howling. | ||
| What she said about Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen being really similar, because they were both big in the 80s, and now they're having their old slots filled by Ashton Kutcher. | ||
| Seth MacFarlane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| That's fucking hilarious! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great joke. | ||
| It's really well-worded, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| Oh my God, that girl's funny. | ||
| Seth MacFarlane was awesome on that, too. | ||
| I'll have to watch it. | ||
| I'll have to watch it. | ||
| Honestly, I don't enjoy roasts, for the most part. | ||
| I usually find them to be mean-spirited and fucking weird. | ||
| I've never wanted to do them. | ||
| I don't want to fucking shit on someone that hard right in front of them. | ||
| It's cute and everything. | ||
| It's fun to watch, but no thanks, man. | ||
| If everybody knows each other really well, too. | ||
| If you're all friends cussing each other's balls, but... | ||
| Sometimes it's not, though, man. | ||
| Did you ever watch the ones where they went after Pam Anderson? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I don't think I saw the Pamela Anderson one. | ||
| I haven't seen the Joan Rivers one, either. | ||
| Ruthless. | ||
| Ruthless. | ||
| It's ruthless shit, like you said. | ||
| Didn't somebody make her cry? | ||
| Very possibly. | ||
| I don't remember specifics, but I remember listening to it going, oh, I don't want to hear this. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Are you voicing what... | ||
| The problem is it's funny. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| The problem is it's good stuff. | ||
| You're insulting the fuck out of someone and hurting their feelings for no reason. | ||
| But to me, it's kind of hilarious. | ||
| It's unfortunate that it is. | ||
| But when you're hearing her tee off on Mike Tyson, she was talking about Mike Tyson having a slut tattoo on his face that Mike and Ben don't know whether to punch him or to finish on him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I fucked it up, I think, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's great stuff, but it's so mean. | |
| You're like, whoa! | ||
| Anthony Jezelnik had a couple really good ones. | ||
| Yeah, he was good. | ||
| Towards Mike Tyson, he said, I'm paraphrasing, but the joke basically was... | ||
| Best way to describe Mike Tyson is the same name of a Richard Pryor album, meaning that nigger's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that was awkward. | ||
| And then nobody really got it. | ||
| I got it and it was awkward. | ||
| Is he a black guy or a white guy? | ||
| And Jezelnik, he's a white guy. | ||
| Real clean cut guy, too. | ||
| Yeah, but he didn't say the name of the album. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| Oh, I thought you said as in, and that was the joke that he was going to spell it out to everybody. | ||
| No, he didn't spell it out. | ||
| He just left it as the same... | ||
| Oh, okay, because I was like, wow. | ||
| No, the same way, or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, the best way to describe him is the same name of a Richard Pryor album. | ||
| And then Patrice O'Neill, it doesn't go over very well. | ||
| Patrice was badass on that, by the way. | ||
| And Patrice says, he goes, there's too many... | ||
| Too many white people here, man. | ||
| They're not going to get that. | ||
| And Jeselnik goes, have you ever heard anybody say there are too few black people here? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, those roofs can get mean, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't seen a ton of them. | ||
| I heard the Joan Rivers one is good. | ||
| I heard when she comes back, it's really funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, she comes back at them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She's great. | ||
| That documentary was pretty good. | ||
| Did you see that documentary? | ||
| I have not seen it, but a lot of people recommended it. | ||
| What is it called again? | ||
| The Joan Rivers documentary? | ||
| I mean, if you Google that, it'll come up. | ||
| What the fuck is it called? | ||
| Gooseneck? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you think she writes all her jokes, or do you think she has a whole staff? | ||
| She buys jokes from people, but she probably writes. | ||
| I mean, she's pretty quick on her feet. | ||
| A piece of work. | ||
| A piece of work, that's it. | ||
| It's really good, huh? | ||
| I knew it was some kind of euphemism on facelifts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It kind of is. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| A lot of people... | ||
| It's totally worth... | ||
| Did you see her on Louis? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Do you guys watch Louis? | ||
| I didn't see her on Louis, though. | ||
| That was a funny one, too. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| It's a funny episode. | ||
| Season finale or something? | ||
| No, it was early in the season. | ||
| I gotta get into Louie. | ||
| I cut way back on my TV watching. | ||
| I cut way back to the point where I'm only watching documentary shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just stopped. | ||
| I mean, occasionally I watch Ancient Aliens or something. | ||
| Yeah, I love that show, man. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I DVR that. | ||
| Breaking Bad, Louie. | ||
| Breaking Bad is awesome. | ||
| Breaking Bad's the best. | ||
| But Patton Oswalt said it best. | ||
| He said, I feel like it's homework. | ||
| You know, when you get into a show, it's like it's homework. | ||
| It's like you've got to keep up with these fucking things. | ||
| But the DVR, man, that's what, like, it's a godsend. | ||
| You just fucking, you watch it at 2.30. | ||
| You hear about, like, Mad Men. | ||
| Everybody keeps telling me, dude, Mad Men is amazing. | ||
| I'm like, we're too late. | ||
| We missed it. | ||
| It's too crazy. | ||
| Unless we get a wicked flu, where you can tear through four seasons in a weekend. | ||
| I mean, we're four seasons behind. | ||
| That's 48 hours of television. | ||
| I didn't I miss Lost, though. | ||
| I can't stop. | ||
| I wish I could talk about Lost and theories. | ||
| Lost can go fuck itself. | ||
| Jack killed it for me. | ||
| He was sending it in by the end of the show. | ||
| He was like, oh, I guess they brought him back to life. | ||
| He was completely phoning it in towards the end of the show. | ||
| He killed it for me. | ||
| That was the doctor. | ||
| The doctor killed it for me. | ||
| I had to stop watching. | ||
| I had to stop watching. | ||
| I'm like, this guy's not really there. | ||
| He is not in the moment here. | ||
| I'm not believing that you just dunked a body in this fountain and then brought it in front of you. | ||
| You barely paid attention, dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I kind of fell off with Lost pretty quickly. | ||
| It was fun for a while. | ||
| But it can't fuck with Battlestar Galactica. | ||
| Battlestar Galactica was one of the best... | ||
| Unexpected, fun shows to follow. | ||
| That's a good goddamn show. | ||
| That was a really good fucking show. | ||
| If you want to sit down, I think they went a few seasons. | ||
| How many seasons did they go? | ||
| Four or five or something like that? | ||
| Either way, it's a badass fucking show. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| I watched the whole thing on DVD. Almost after the fact, then caught up right at the very last season. | ||
| You just have to be in the mood, I think. | ||
| It's like when you tear through a book or something. | ||
| Sometimes I'll have three books that I want to read and they just sit there and I'm like, I don't want to touch them yet. | ||
| But then when you do make the commitment, you just fly through it. | ||
| A lot of people are probably angry at me for what I said about Lost. | ||
| I used to love the show. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I used to love the show. | ||
| I loved the show, but it did bug me. | ||
| For real, it did bug me. | ||
| I think the ending kind of explained a lot of that. | ||
| Okay, I believe you. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I love the fact that I never watched the ending. | ||
| I like that because that means you didn't get me. | ||
| You didn't get me, bitch. | ||
| I snuck away clean. | ||
| I no longer feel your pull. | ||
| I'm free. | ||
| You're a dealer. | ||
| They're all dealers, bro. | ||
| All these people with TV shows. | ||
| Me included. | ||
| I'm guilty as well. | ||
| We're all dealers. | ||
| Get you hooked on some fucking crazy shit. | ||
| I love being hooked on Breaking Bad, man. | ||
| That's a great fucking show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to be... | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| But when he had that dude locked up in the basement and he had that moral decision to make... | ||
| Did you watch that? | ||
| You know, he's had some altercations with gangbangers and stuff because he's a meth dealer. | ||
| Do you remember the one where he had the guy locked up in the basement and he had to figure out whether he should kill him or not? | ||
| This season? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was last season. | ||
| Oh, last season. | ||
| I think it was last season. | ||
| Either way, it was like one of the most intense scenes I think I've ever seen in a made-for-television show. | ||
| It was like a movie. | ||
| It was a movie scene. | ||
| It was fucking intense, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Everybody's great on it. | ||
| What is the lead guy's name? | ||
| Bryan Cranston? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I really like Gus, man. | ||
| That guy's really... | ||
| I don't know how up on it you are, but the last few episodes, Gus is really... | ||
| Which one's Gus? | ||
| He's the head, the guy that owns the chicken shops. | ||
| The head... | ||
| The black dude with the glasses, the head drug dealer. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| The guy that Walter and Jesse work for. | ||
| Is this the best time ever for fucking television? | ||
| I mean, it must be, right? | ||
| If you stop and think about some of the shows. | ||
| I mean, Mad Men people are really into, which I'm sure is good. | ||
| People are obsessed with Mad Men. | ||
| People are obsessed with... | ||
| But if you watch anything on NBC, like any of the new shows, they fucking all suck. | ||
| They scare me how bad it is. | ||
| They have laugh tracks again. | ||
| Laugh tracks are awesome. | ||
| I think if you use laugh tracks, you should have to not be good at it. | ||
| You should have to do it, but you can't let it fade off. | ||
| It has to be like this. | ||
| Here, if you're going to use a laugh track, just be like, ah, ha, ha, ha! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Like, really obvious and fake. | ||
| People would probably start losing their minds. | ||
| Like, it would start driving people crazy at home. | ||
| This is a nutty idea, man. | ||
| The idea of a laugh track. | ||
| We're going to tell you that it's funny. | ||
| We're not even going to do it in front of a live audience. | ||
| We're going to insert some fucking... | ||
| This is where we want you to laugh, stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I think Tim Heidecker tweeted or... | ||
| He's got... | ||
| Somebody removed the laugh track from an episode of... | ||
| Big Bang Theory, I think? | ||
| Or How I Met Your Mother or something? | ||
| Him and Duncan were talking about it the other night, and I haven't seen it. | ||
| Well, in all fairness, a lot of those takes could have very easily have been second and third takes of a scene that you do in front of a live audience, and they just don't get a laugh. | ||
| I think he had somebody go in and just remove it. | ||
| Well, it could be. | ||
| But I'm saying, you know, sometimes you have to do a scene, you know, if you're doing like a live sitcom in front of an audience, like on news radio, we would fuck up or, you know, we would have to do something over again because they wanted to rewrite something. | ||
| And so we would do the same scene several times. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So it could very easily have been that. | ||
| Even if you don't hear the audience laughing, it could have been that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We would film stuff after the fact, like there would be scenes that wouldn't work. | ||
| Pickups? | ||
| Yeah, and we would make totally new lines, and the producers would fake laugh on the side. | ||
| They would all stand there, and ha ha ha ha! | ||
| And all of the jokes, ha ha ha! | ||
| It was so alien, man. | ||
| It was so bizarre. | ||
| I'm surprised you weren't offered for Two and a Half Men, were you? | ||
| Well, no way, man. | ||
| Dude, I think you'd be awesome on that show. | ||
| I'm not famous enough for that. | ||
| I'm not famous enough for that. | ||
| How long were you on news radio? | ||
| Five years? | ||
| I think it would be awesome. | ||
| That's a different level of fame they're looking for. | ||
| They're looking for that Ashton Kutcher fame. | ||
| When did Ashton Kutcher not be the guy from Jackass? | ||
| Why is it so ridiculous? | ||
| Is this because he has a bunch of Twitter? | ||
| The guy from that 70s show. | ||
| Oh, Punk too. | ||
| I think his Twitter followers have gotten into everybody's heads that he's not the guy on the camera commercials. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, listen, the kid is a fucking business genius. | ||
| He's got a lot of shit going on, man. | ||
| He's very smart and very ambitious. | ||
| I'm not saying he's not. | ||
| I'm just saying that's so ridiculous how, like, he's looked upon like a Brad Pitt or something. | ||
| Well, he's a handsome guy, man. | ||
| He's a gorgeous dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like six foot three, perfect bone structure. | |
| You're going to kiss my life during the night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| I mean, girls love that guy. | ||
| There's a reason why they love him. | ||
| He's delicious. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he seems to be pretty well liked across the board. | ||
| Now I get where I get it from. | ||
| I worked for him, actually. | ||
| I did a game show in my head, this show that was his production company produced. | ||
| I mean, I only got to meet him once very briefly, but he was a nice guy. | ||
| It seems like he's got his game together. | ||
| Let him do this crazy show. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Game show in my head? | ||
| He was pretty good in the show, though. | ||
| I never watched Two and a Half Men in the first place. | ||
| Did you watch the new one? | ||
| The new episode, yes. | ||
| With him? | ||
| It was very dark. | ||
| Very, like, whoa. | ||
| They took a weird approach where they're making fun of his dead body. | ||
| I kind of want to see it. | ||
| I was going to say, I never watched it before, but I want to watch it because of the controversy. | ||
| I watched one episode once and I thought it was kind of lame. | ||
| No, I didn't think it was kind of lame. | ||
| I thought it was terrible. | ||
| I don't remember what was going on, but I remember, like, what is this? | ||
| When you see something, it's just like alien. | ||
| It's so not funny that it just torques your insides. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like that. | ||
| So I never watched it again. | ||
| But that happens on any sitcom. | ||
| There's a lot of weird sitcoms out there. | ||
| I watched a couple recently, and yeah, they were baffling. | ||
| I don't want to say their names. | ||
| It's hard to do a sitcom right, man. | ||
| I watch most of them, really. | ||
| A lot of people get involved in the mix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's only when someone has awesome control over things, like when one person's artistic vision can truly shine through, like the South Park situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those guys are so awesome that no one fucks with them, so they just do their shit, which is why their show is so fucking brilliant. | ||
| It's like there's no more clear point of reference. | ||
| If you're thinking about one prime example of a show where you can tell the artistic minds behind it don't have any influence by anybody else, it's South Park, right? | ||
| It's because it's such a money juggernaut. | ||
| Well, Louis, too. | ||
| He has that free love. | ||
| Yeah, I would say he's right there. | ||
| I wish Louis was longer. | ||
| I wish they would pay him five times more and just have our episode. | ||
| Dude, he does everything himself. | ||
| Yeah, but when you watch that show, it's so short. | ||
| You really start getting into it, and then it just drops out. | ||
| Because it's only 22 minutes long. | ||
| Dude, think about doing everything yourself and doing it on a laptop. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He does it all. | ||
| He edits it on a fucking 13-inch MacBook Pro. | ||
| Unless he's trolling everybody. | ||
| Maybe he's trying to play the fucking super hard worker dude, but really he's got a whole crew. | ||
| If you look at the credits, it changes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mexicans with fucking stolen laptops. | |
| If you look at the credits, it changes. | ||
| It goes from edited by Louis C.K., and then sometimes it's not edited by Louis C.K. Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, so he has other people work with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's good that he can trust people enough with his baby like that. | ||
| I talked to him after he did his first show. | ||
| And Louis C.K., everybody knows, if you don't know, stand-up-wise, is one of the best comics alive. | ||
| He's like the elite of the elite. | ||
| He's just a great comic. | ||
| But his HBO show just didn't click. | ||
| Some people liked it. | ||
| Lucky Louie. | ||
| Some people liked it. | ||
| There was something off about it. | ||
| There was something that was too ham-handed. | ||
| And I talked to him about it, and I said, if you could do it all over again, what would you do differently? | ||
| He's like, I would fire everybody. | ||
| He goes, I'd fire all the writers. | ||
| And he goes, I'm sorry. | ||
| You're my friend. | ||
| I love you, but I need someone else to do this. | ||
| I got one shot at this. | ||
| I got one shot at this to do this right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so you know what he did? | ||
| He did. | ||
| He fired everybody. | ||
| Now he's doing it all of himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's so weird how his show doesn't follow any kind of guideline. | ||
| Like one day his daughter is somebody else. | ||
| And his girlfriend is somebody else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| His daughters are pretty consistent. | ||
| I think it's the same kids. | ||
| Not all the time. | ||
| It changes. | ||
| There was like a totally different girl there the other day. | ||
| And I'm like, who's this girl? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Are you sure? | ||
| I don't know about that, man. | ||
| I'm almost... | ||
| I'd probably say 99% sure. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I would think that that... | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| If I was Louis, if I could work out a deal with a daughter, I would think that he would work out a deal with a daughter. | ||
| Yeah, because they have a handful of episodes that revolve around the daughters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that would take me out of the show a little bit. | ||
| If the daughters kept changing, that would fuck with my head. | ||
| I'll have to review the tape. | ||
| It kind of freaks me out. | ||
| I'm a huge fan of that show. | ||
| I'm pretty sure, unless I was just dreaming the whole thing while Joe Rogan was kissing some guy. | ||
| Hey, fella. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| Don't keep bringing me into your fucked up world, dude. | ||
| I want out. | ||
| I want out for good. | ||
| The other guy was delicious. | ||
| You need to take less of those alpha brains, son. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm excited about taking those. | ||
| I'll give you some. | ||
| So they're back in stock, right? | ||
| Everything's good to go? | ||
| Yeah, back in stock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a coupon card on your website, by the way, on the banner. | |
| Yeah, there's a banner on my website. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on it, enter in the code name Rogan, you can get 10% off your alpha brain. | ||
| It's juicy. | ||
| It's becoming an alpha brain commercial. | ||
| I think we better stop before it gets gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I'm excited about it. | ||
| It's interesting stuff, but people, you know, people, no. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| It's fucking vitamins, bro. | ||
| Vitamins for your dome, son. | ||
| There's a little thing on the page, too. | ||
| There's a new medical editor who wrote some editorial with references as to why this stuff works. | ||
| Is his name Joey Coco Diaz? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dr. Joey. | ||
| Listen, cocksucker. | ||
| I made this shit myself. | ||
| My special blend. | ||
| So, I was over-listening to a gay guy the other day at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You were over-listening to a gay guy? | ||
| Over-listening. | ||
| Over-hearing? | ||
| Like, I was paying too much attention. | ||
| And he was going off on one of these, like, how everybody's gay. | ||
| Like, we were looking at the billboard, which was that guy from CNN that just moved to, like, Fox. | ||
| Anderson Cooper? | ||
| Yeah, and he was just like... | ||
| I can't believe he hasn't come out yet. | ||
| He's super gay. | ||
| I know a lot of people that say he's super gay. | ||
| I thought it was pretty much common knowledge. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| It's like fucking... | ||
| Oh, so you're trying to out him. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| But here's the weird thing. | ||
| He was saying how the new president of Apple is gay. | ||
| What? | ||
| So now I'm just wondering if it's going to be... | ||
| So now Max really will be gay? | ||
| Yeah, we're going back to shiny white. | ||
| Because people are always like, Max are gay. | ||
| Who says that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would tell people... | |
| Oh, online? | ||
| Online, man. | ||
| Yeah, those are the best kissers. | ||
| Online, on message boards and shit, Macs are always treated as pretentious slobs who can't work real computers. | ||
| Like the vast majority of people, it seems like there's a camp. | ||
| There's a PC camp and there's a Mac camp. | ||
| And one of the things that people always say is, Macs are gay. | ||
| But now Macs really are gay. | ||
| I wonder what gay things are going to happen to our Macs. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| You're embarrassed? | ||
| I have a PC, because I feel like people with Macs just really look down their nose at people with PCs. | ||
| And I know it's not cool to have one, but you know what, man? | ||
| I don't fucking edit music or videos, really. | ||
| I can get a brand new fucking kick-ass PC for five fucking bucks. | ||
| If you were given a Mac... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would use that Mac and you would never go back. | ||
| The same way if you get an iPhone, you might be the biggest shit talker ever saying droids are the best and everything. | ||
| Every person I know that used to be that person got an iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen silly, you're just like all those crazy Windows people. | |
| You're just like all those crazy Windows people. | ||
| Here's the real argument. | ||
| I don't care that much about stuff. | ||
| It's crazy that we would even think about it. | ||
| It's a weird thing that people have this amazing desire to be on Teams. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Windows 7 can eat a dick is what I'm saying. | ||
| My phone's fucking amazing. | ||
| Windows 8 is in the house, bitches, and the startup time's quicker than ever. | ||
| I was watching something online where they were showing how quick the startup time is of Windows 8. And from the time you press the button, 8 seconds! | ||
| And Windows 8 starts up and it's like really quick. | ||
| So what? | ||
| When it runs, it sucks. | ||
| Who's freaking out about how long it takes your computer to start? | ||
| Isn't it on most of the time? | ||
| 99.9% of the time my computer's on. | ||
| Even my computer's a piece of shit and it starts up fast enough for like... | ||
| Do you get viruses? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not that I know of. | |
| You don't go to dirty, dirty, dirty sites, and then all of a sudden, every time you try to open your browser, a fucking pop-up pops up? | ||
| No. | ||
| I told you what happened with my girl's laptop. | ||
| She had this thing called malware or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Malware? | |
| Malware. | ||
| I don't even know what it is, because I've been off- I don't know. | ||
| I've heard about it. | ||
| Malware. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you're thinking about is just gay shit all day. | |
| It was so bad that Norton couldn't do anything. | ||
| Jim Norton couldn't do anything about it. | ||
| It got so bad that there was nothing you could do. | ||
| I started to do registry edits and try to do safe mode things just to get this thing off. | ||
| It was like It was sending information. | ||
| It was reading passwords. | ||
| It tricked itself as a Windows virus protection. | ||
| So on top of it, it was like saying, here's the way to get this off your computer. | ||
| Click here to buy this virus scanning software. | ||
| And so then now you're giving your credit card information and sending your shit just to get some fucking thing to unlock on your computer to get your computer back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| So I had to fucking, like, I even, I followed all these instructions. | ||
| I finally pretty much just had to wipe the whole thing. | ||
| And it was so common, I found out. | ||
| Like, this is a normal thing that a lot of people get. | ||
| This is not like some crazy virus you got out of nowhere. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| Something... | ||
| Antivirus... | ||
| Uh... | ||
| I read something... | ||
| I read something insane. | ||
| Like, the number of... | ||
| What are the number of computer viruses out there? | ||
| What would you say it is? | ||
| Oh, there's a ton of them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's 480,000? | ||
| It's probably millions, I would say. | ||
| I'd probably say it's in the millions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Millions? | |
| Millions. | ||
| I'm trying to find it because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| But Apple's sucking a dick lately, so I might be going back to PC. I just got that Final Cut Pro, and I had to pretty much relearn everything, and now I feel dumb because it's so... | ||
| Yeah, but that's just one program, though. | ||
| Well, that's one of their main programs. | ||
| They pretty much decided to take their main program. | ||
| Well, why would you be mad at all of Apple because of one goofy ass program? | ||
| Well, I mean, if that's the direction they're going where they're like making everything more, I don't know, like friendly or easy looking or, you know, simple cut and paste. | ||
| The old Final Cut Pro is pretty much you can do anything you want. | ||
| You have to do backward steps and do all this extra bullshit just because it looks pretty. | ||
| Listen to how crazy this answer is to how many computer viruses there are. | ||
| It's not exactly known, but most likely in the millions. | ||
| The real problem is that new ones pop up every day. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Millions? | ||
| Millions? | ||
| Oh, that are out there right now? | ||
| Stealing your personal information. | ||
| That exist. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Somebody might just be talking shit. | ||
| I need to get verification. | ||
| Millions? | ||
| You've got to think, how many people does it take to make one computer virus? | ||
| Is it just one dude alone just gets crazy and makes this on his own? | ||
| Or is there other people involved? | ||
| How many people are making these things? | ||
| Well, I think what it is, though, is a lot of these viruses are just all variations. | ||
| So you'll have one virus and somebody will change something small in it, like the ports or whatever, and that's called something else. | ||
| I don't think it's all new virus. | ||
| What do people get out of it? | ||
| Just like mischief, fucking with people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, apparently there's personal information. | |
| So that's all their goals, is to steal your information? | ||
| Yeah, they're trying to get your credit card information. | ||
| A lot of people have all that stuff stored on their computers. | ||
| You have the e-wallet set up so that you have all your credit card information. | ||
| So if you want to buy something, you can just use that. | ||
| Oh yeah, I don't do that. | ||
| A lot of people do that. | ||
| I just, I memorize, I know my credit card number. | ||
| Is it Google Wallet? | ||
| Is that a new thing? | ||
| I think they've had it for a while, but I've never used Google Wallet. | ||
| Who the fuck in their right mind is going to use Google Wallet? | ||
| What an amazing name to call it. | ||
| I won't even give them my phone, they keep trying to get for my Gmail a phone number, and I'm like, what the What the fuck do you need my phone number for? | ||
| Fuck you, dude. | ||
| Dude, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get email from you. | |
| You could recover it in case someone steals your passwords. | ||
| No, if I forget my password, I'm an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, what's up? | ||
| We just need your number real quick. | ||
| You already have a secondary email address. | ||
| Can I get your number? | ||
| Can I get your number? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Joe, have you ran out of Gmail space yet? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| I'm at 96%. | ||
| You're a fucking freak, that's why. | ||
| Stop sending pictures of your dick all around town. | ||
| I know, but what happened? | ||
| Jesus Christ, kid. | ||
| Why can't I do that? | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| All around town, his dick. | ||
| It's like Banksy. | ||
| His cock is like Banksy. | ||
| Cranksy. | ||
| It's all around town. | ||
| Did I tell you how I have a fake picture of my dick? | ||
| A fake one? | ||
| That looks exactly like my bedroom window. | ||
| So lately, did I say this? | ||
| I've been sending it out to random people. | ||
| Like, hey, why don't you come over? | ||
| And I'll just send it. | ||
| And it looks like it would be me laying in my bedroom. | ||
| And I'll send it to little Esther. | ||
| And she was like, oh my god, what the fuck? | ||
| LOL. And she goes, ew. | ||
| But then I send it to somebody else and goes, alright, that was uncalled for. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| People don't want you sending hard dicks to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it your dick? | |
| It's not my dick. | ||
| It looks like my bedroom, and it could be my dick, but the dick has this weird black helmet on it, and it looks ridiculous if you really think that's my dick. | ||
| What is it really, though? | ||
| It's just a picture I found on Google. | ||
| Oh, oh. | ||
| Why are you sending people pictures? | ||
| Oh, so it's a real dick, but you just put your head on the body or something? | ||
| No, it just looks like somebody laying in what looks exactly like my bedroom. | ||
| Okay, I get it. | ||
| But there's an actual dick there, man. | ||
| It's fucking his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| This is a big cover story. | ||
| That's why it's so lame. | ||
| He's planned this out. | ||
| He's got to get through it. | ||
| He's got to get through this cover story. | ||
| He's got the same grape juice stain on my fucking bedroom carpet. | ||
| I want you to look at his cock. | ||
| It's a trick. | ||
| I'll send it to you. | ||
| Tell me how you would react if you saw this. | ||
| And then you look at it. | ||
| And he made you look at his dick. | ||
| It's a trick. | ||
| It's trickery. | ||
| It's goddamn trickery. | ||
| You're a weird pervert. | ||
| How could you be shocked at all that anybody would freak out that you just send them pictures of dicks? | ||
| Because I would send it to, like, ex-girlfriends. | ||
| Yeah, we do. | ||
| They're ex-girlfriends. | ||
| They don't want that shit in their life no more. | ||
| I know, but that's what you hear. | ||
| Plus, they could recognize your dick. | ||
| Or I'll send it to other comic girls. | ||
| If it looks deformed. | ||
| Do you think they would, though, if you hadn't? | ||
| Like, if you hadn't banged her in six, eight months, say, and she started dating someone else, do you think she would remember your, like, be able to identify your dick? | ||
| Depends on what kind of a show your dick puts on. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Does it have a boner or is it flaccid? | ||
| It's just a pretty big head and, like, thick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big, thick, juicy dick. | |
| Let's call a three-quarter hard-on from now on the Brett Favre. | ||
| Let's call it that. | ||
| Is he retired or is he playing again? | ||
| I think he's going to play with Michael Vick, right? | ||
| Isn't that the story? | ||
| What, he's going to go on the Eagles? | ||
| I think that's what I'd heard. | ||
| I know nothing about football, though. | ||
| I might have heard that from Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're going to get that cocksucker and he's going to show them how to play fucking football. | |
| How was the New Orleans show? | ||
| That Michael Vick's going to make them billions, dog. | ||
| Billions! | ||
| So New Orleans was awesome. | ||
| New Orleans, you should have to have a passport to go to that fucking place, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's another country. | ||
| New Orleans is another country. | ||
| That's a wild-ass place. | ||
| I have never been in a city that has such a unique personality as New Orleans. | ||
| It's like the whole city is small and it's cranked up to nine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, everything's cranked up. | ||
| People are friendly as fuck. | ||
| Everyone's drunk as shit. | ||
| It's like, you feel fucked up if you're not drunk. | ||
| You know, Duncan and I were doing shots with dinner. | ||
| We never have shots with dinner. | ||
| We got there and I said, I feel like having some fucking whiskey. | ||
| He goes, it's New Orleans, man. | ||
| It tells it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're fucking doing shots while we're eating crab cakes. | |
| We went out and we had a show at the House of Blues. | ||
| It was fucking awesome, man. | ||
| There was the energy in the room. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| What was the hot chick level for New Orleans? | ||
| They're beautiful. | ||
| A lot of beautiful girls. | ||
| There was a burlesque show on after us. | ||
| We stayed and watched a burlesque show, which is very... | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Everybody dresses up like they're from a different time period, and they kind of dance around. | ||
| Some of it, although beautiful, is quite aimless. | ||
| There's just a lot of dancing around. | ||
| I guess you're just celebrating how she's dressed and dancing around. | ||
| It was kind of fun, because everybody was drunk and getting into it. | ||
| And so many drunks and so many fucking happy people. | ||
| Like, I didn't see a single angry drunk. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was like there were so many people drunk. | ||
| Here's one of the things that our driver was the coolest fucking guy, this dude Jeff. | ||
| and Jeff took us around and Jeff was talking to us about how he could only live in New Orleans because he had lived outside of New Orleans only for a little bit and he got in trouble with a cop because he's talking to the cop about something and he was drinking a beer on the street. | ||
| The cop was asking him where he's coming from and he didn't know that you're not allowed to drink beer on the street. | ||
| Because in New Orleans, you can drink beer anywhere. | ||
| You can just drink beer on the street. | ||
| So while he's talking to the cop, he said he opened up a second beer and started drinking that. | ||
| And the cop was like, are you stupid? | ||
| Is there something fucking wrong with you? | ||
| He goes, where are you from? | ||
| And he goes, New Orleans. | ||
| He's like, all right, you can't do that anywhere but there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he was like, well, fuck this. | ||
| And he moved back. | ||
| Dude, New Orleans is the shit, man. | ||
| And we were in Metairie, too. | ||
| Me and Goldberg and De La Grate Karate went and had dinner out there in Duncan. | ||
| And it was fucking... | ||
| What a great town, man. | ||
| People are so fucking friendly. | ||
| They're all in this honky-tonk slash sports bar on a Friday night. | ||
| We're eating cheeseburgers with these people. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Their local haunt, or Saturday night, where they hang. | ||
| It was badass, man. | ||
| Just people you met there that night? | ||
| Friendly as fuck, man. | ||
| Friendly as fuck. | ||
| What a great vibe that town has. | ||
| Just a happy, happy vibe. | ||
| Did you see any of the ghost towns? | ||
| I didn't have much time, dude. | ||
| I had very little time. | ||
| That's the problem with, I fly in somewhere, it's like, boom. | ||
| First thing, I gotta go do the weigh-ins, and then my comedy show, and then in the morning, I get up, I work out, I do the UFC. There's no time. | ||
| Really, for too much sightseeing, unfortunately. | ||
| It's the greatest job in the world, but there's no time for a lot of shit. | ||
| But we did get to go down the French Quarter. | ||
| We walked around Bourbon Street, and like, this is crazy. | ||
| How is this legal? | ||
| This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| It's beautiful, first of all. | ||
| It's a fucking thing. | ||
| It's really a national treasure. | ||
| The fact that a place like this exists in this uptight, stuck-up, fucking scared country we live in now. | ||
| That you can go to a place and it's strip club, bar, food, strip club, bar, food. | ||
| This is the recipe. | ||
| Yeah, chickens, voodoo, all up this street. | ||
| And it's just a swarm, like salmon spawning, of humanity with cups in their hands. | ||
| And everybody is fucking blasted. | ||
| And we're just wandering through the streets, checking out the scene. | ||
| And the bars don't close. | ||
| They don't close. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| No one's closing. | ||
| There's no closing. | ||
| This shit just stays open. | ||
| They're just open. | ||
| They're just open, man. | ||
| That's tough, though. | ||
| I did a show with Stan Hope there a few years ago, and... | ||
| I don't think our show got started until like 11.30 or something. | ||
| So by the time we got out of there, it was probably about 2. And we're like, well, let's go get a drink at a bar. | ||
| And we go to this bar and there's people from the show hanging out. | ||
| And I'm like playing pool with a guy and we're getting pretty drunk. | ||
| And I was like, what time is it? | ||
| And I look at my fucking phone and it's like 7 in the morning. | ||
| And I'm like, Doug, it's like 7 in the morning. | ||
| We had to leave at like 9.30. | ||
| What do you need? | ||
| What's the cream? | ||
| What's the cream, bro? | ||
| Oh, I can make some for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you have the cream? | |
| No. | ||
| You poured it for me, remember? | ||
| Is it in the fridge? | ||
| I must have put it away. | ||
| Did we even finish the story of what you did, too? | ||
| So we're like... | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is one of the most funniest things ever. | |
| The most funniest. | ||
| This man's almost 37. Are you 37 yet? | ||
| Look, I got internet talk in my head. | ||
| I don't talk in full sentences anymore. | ||
| I like cheeseburgers and shit. | ||
| It's more gooder. | ||
| More gooder. | ||
| But you pretty much on... | ||
| I love the... | ||
| You have all this big thing with practical jokes. | ||
| Like, you did this thing where you print it out. | ||
| I think we talked last time where you print it out on a Top Chef. | ||
| The Top Chef billboard. | ||
| And put it on the billboard. | ||
| This little thing of him pouring stew. | ||
| And he put it on... | ||
| And then this time you... | ||
| The last... | ||
| There's... | ||
| In my neighborhood, there's a vacant circuit city that's been there. | ||
| It's been vacant for almost three years. | ||
| And I was talking with a friend of mine about... | ||
| How there's no Whole Foods in our neighborhood. | ||
| And Silver Lake's a pretty hipster. | ||
| Like, it would be a perfect place for a Whole Foods. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, that would be a good location. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, it would. | ||
| So I made these banners that said, coming soon, Whole Foods, Silver Lake. | ||
| And I'll show you. | ||
| I have pictures of them. | ||
| And I hung them on the fence around the Circuit City. | ||
| So everybody thought that... | ||
| So all these hipsters were going to have a Whole Foods in their neighborhood, and it blew the fuck up on Twitter. | ||
| It was on websites like Los Angeles Weekly and shit like that. | ||
| Everyone thought Whole Foods was coming. | ||
| It was a huge deal. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| People just got really excited. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Well, you know, you should talk to Whole Foods and say, listen, the demand is here. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure they've talked to them already. | ||
| I mean, that place has been vacant for three years. | ||
| Maybe it's too much money to convert it to a supermarket. | ||
| Something, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's too expensive. | ||
| Have you always been a practical joker? | ||
| Have you done that your whole life? | ||
| Do you have any biggest joke you ever did or favorite one that you've ever done? | ||
| There's one that you can actually hear. | ||
| They played it on another podcast. | ||
| Everything... | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, man. | ||
| You have great stories. | ||
| I played the... | ||
| I had this card where you can... | ||
| It's funny, though, you have to say that, though. | ||
| You do kind of have to say it. | ||
| Well, yeah, I don't want people to, like, if they only hurt me twice, be like, this guy tells the same fucking story. | ||
| Yeah, but we're assuming that they're listening to all these different podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't think people have enough time to listen to all these different podcasts. | ||
| I think we're... | ||
| Deluding ourselves. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, if you're on radio, you wouldn't be like, yeah, well, I said this on Mark and Brian like two months ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, no one is... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I might. | ||
| Depends. | ||
| I don't want to sound like I'm... | ||
| All right, so what happens? | ||
| Well, you can hear it online. | ||
| I called my... | ||
| I had this card. | ||
| It's called a spoof card where you can call someone and make it look like it's coming from any number in the world. | ||
| Like, I could call you and make it look like it's coming from the White House. | ||
| And... | ||
| So I called my friend from his wife's number, his newly ex-wife's number, and I would make jokes about wanting to bang his wife all the time and stuff. | ||
| So I call him in the middle of the night, and I think I was telling him that I was going to go out on a date with her, and I wouldn't really tip my hat on whether I was joking or not. | ||
| So I call him in the middle of the night from what looks like his wife's number, and I use a voice disguiser to kind of sound like a girl. | ||
| And basically, I tell him that it's his wife. | ||
| I'm like, John. | ||
| And of course, he thinks it's her. | ||
| You know, he just got woken up at four in the morning. | ||
| And I say, you know, I went over to your friend Brendan's tonight. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's fucked up, man. | ||
| And I'm like, I think he raped me. | ||
| And he's like, wait, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That is fucking badass. | ||
| It blows his mind. | ||
| But it all ends in laughs. | ||
| Because then he goes, where are you right now? | ||
| And I go, I'm in the hospital. | ||
| And then there's like a pause and I say, there's jizz all over me. | ||
| And then he goes, fucking Brendan, I knew it was you. | ||
| That fucking card. | ||
| I can't believe you're wasting your card on me. | ||
| How does that card work? | ||
| Is that shit legal? | ||
| You just, you call an 800, like there's an 800 number that you call on the card. | ||
| This is legal? | ||
| Yeah, I think there's probably an app for it. | ||
| Yeah, there's actually, it's a lot of people use it. | ||
| Lindsay Lohan was known to always use that for whatever reasons. | ||
| It's like when you use a calling card, like an old school calling card where you call an 800 number and put in your code. | ||
| But instead of a code, you put in whatever phone number you want, and then you put in, you hit like pound and it calls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Making it look like it comes from that number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| And it'll even say, well, yeah, obviously, if it's Red Band, if you put in his number, his picture comes up on your phone or however it rings when he calls. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| How is that legal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Somebody gave it to me after a show. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You could cause divorces, fucking murder, suicide. | ||
| Oh, you could really fuck with people, yeah. | ||
| You could do all kinds of crazy shit to somebody. | ||
| I've never done anything, like, I've never done anything, like, malicious or... | ||
| Well, you think all the mean people in the world would, something like that. | ||
| Oh, God, yeah. | ||
| That seems like they could do some damage. | ||
| There's probably some recently divorced motherfucker Googling spoof card right now, like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I probably just got them, like, ten grand in business. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should start your own spoof card company. | |
| Yeah, you should, Brian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Maybe I'll go away from this comedy thing and start a whole new industry. | ||
| You need to really get involved in helping people ruin other people's lives secretly. | ||
| It seems like they shouldn't be able to do that. | ||
| I don't understand how that could possibly be legal. | ||
| How could you possibly be able to pretend you're someone else and call someone? | ||
| I don't think that's legal. | ||
| I just couldn't imagine that that seems like fraud, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it seems like there would be some sort of a weirdo terrorist law to protect you against shit like that. | ||
| I think it falls in the same categories like if you write a letter saying that you're writing it from the White House on the returns label. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I, you know... | ||
| Hopefully I don't get in trouble. | ||
| But I think there's an app. | ||
| No, I think that it's something that's out there, and I don't think it's illegal. | ||
| Yeah, there's actually an app. | ||
| It's a voice app. | ||
| Because you can also do, like, unknown number. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's an app that you can buy that's a voice recorder. | ||
| It is called Recorder on the App Store. | ||
| And it's the same kind of idea where you put in your credit card information and then it filters the call through this app or something like that and it records it for you. | ||
| So you can record phone calls using your iPhone. | ||
| It's called Record. | ||
| God damn, dude. | ||
| Record phone calls using your... | ||
| So you can record other people's phone calls? | ||
| Yeah, it uses the same thing where it's like a calling card. | ||
| That shit can't be legal. | ||
| Yeah, this doesn't seem... | ||
| But yeah, I don't know how this is legal. | ||
| But there's even a button that's just call recording on. | ||
| Creepy apps on your phone, kid. | ||
| You might want to rethink your app collection. | ||
| There was one point in time when I had four fart apps on my phone. | ||
| But I got a new phone. | ||
| There were like a bunch of free... | ||
| I think it's all pretty quick, but I mean, whatever. | ||
| Free fart apps. | ||
| What satisfaction does someone have when they make a free fart app? | ||
| Some dude put a Joe Rogan... | ||
| I... iPhone application. | ||
| Somebody made one. | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| It's not mine. | ||
| But he's selling it. | ||
| What's it do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've looked at it, but he's selling it. | ||
| Is he allowed to do that? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Well, you're the guy who should probably look into it. | ||
| Yeah, well, I just found out about it. | ||
| There's a lot of apps that have like, you know, for celebrities, they'll have like the Britney Spears fan app, where it's just like information about Britney Spears, and that's probably what it is. | ||
| It's probably something like that, where it's like a joke. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like a buck. | ||
| It costs a dollar. | ||
| Someone's selling it. | ||
| You want me to buy it? | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Let's all buy it. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| We're advertising something that's done for the wrong place. | ||
| Hit the dump button. | ||
| We don't have a dump button. | ||
| There's no seven seconds left? | ||
| No, we're live, dude. | ||
| All that creepy shit you said earlier, the world knows. | ||
| All that shit I said seven seconds ago. | ||
| All that fucked up shit you were thinking. | ||
| You know, it brings me up to that roast thing again. | ||
| There's a funny thing about that style of comedy, man. | ||
| That real, mean, fucking, ridiculous style. | ||
| You know, I'm a big fan of that kind of style of comedy. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I was kind of upset when that Tracy Morgan thing went down. | ||
| I was like, you know, yeah, what he said, for sure he shouldn't have said that. | ||
| But... | ||
| He's out there swinging at crazy pitches. | ||
| He's out there saying the most fucked up shit possible. | ||
| It's not that he really means most of this. | ||
| This is his act. | ||
| His act is ridiculous and extreme, and that's what's so funny about it. | ||
| It's like there's this weird line, though, where people start judging it as a statement. | ||
| You know, instead of just as something ridiculous. | ||
| I think people are just looking for shit to get upset about. | ||
| Like, people are so... | ||
| Like, we're so fucking ripped off and fucked in this country right now. | ||
| It's like, oh, Tony Bennett said something about 9-11. | ||
| Let's have 9,000 news stories about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And not about, like... | ||
| And whatever. | ||
| This might sound like a bit or something, but... | ||
| Like, you hear about all this job creation stuff. | ||
| Like, talking about, we're going to create jobs, but just stop outsourcing them. | ||
| Is that, like... | ||
| Has anybody said that? | ||
| Is that, like, a popular belief that... | ||
| Well, I think, yeah, a lot of people think that the economy would be much better if we stopped doing that. | ||
| Then iPhones would be $7,000. | ||
| Well, and also... | ||
| Well, then, hey, maybe everybody doesn't have an iPhone. | ||
| I think that they've, you know, so many places have been established. | ||
| Electronics have always been cheap. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's not because we're making them, though. | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| I mean, how many electronics do we make over here? | ||
| Barely. | ||
| None. | ||
| But telemarketing could be done here still. | ||
| Yeah, that definitely should be. | ||
| My point was that I think those people work too hard. | ||
| I think if you look at those, what is it, Foxconn? | ||
| Those things online about the people who make those iPhones? | ||
| They would never do that here. | ||
| That shit would never get done here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It would never get done. | ||
| So, you know, it just wouldn't happen. | ||
| Well, no, they can have... | ||
| The Asians can keep all the electronic stuff. | ||
| They do a good job of that. | ||
| We'll just do, you know, like sitting in a chair trying to sell people's shit over the phone. | ||
| What was the point about... | ||
| Why did we get on the discussion of how much those things cost to make? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| Why? | ||
| I'm turning to you, Brian. | ||
| That's when you know it's dark out. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That's when you know the end is near, but I'm turning to you. | ||
| Did you hear about these fucking computer gamers who figured out the... | ||
| Oh, we were talking about people... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Do you want to move on? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| About people being outraged about... | ||
| The Tracy Morgan. | ||
| People are definitely looking. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Looking to be upset at things. | ||
| Have you heard about the Tony Bennett stuff? | ||
| Like, when he was on Howard Stern, he said something about... | ||
| Tony Bennett, the singer? | ||
| The singer. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| He said something about that the terrorist, like, 9-11 was kind of like, we've been fucking with people. | ||
| It's like, you know, it was bound to happen sooner or later. | ||
| I don't remember exactly what he said. | ||
| But he was like, well, you know, we've done fucked up shit, too. | ||
| You're not supposed to say that, though. | ||
| No, he got a lot of shit, but I think it's overblown, which is, you know, like the Tracy Morgan thing, there's just always something with enough buzzwords, like 9-11 or faggot, where the news can latch onto that and just keep everybody like, oh, look over there, you know, while they're, like, fucking stealing all their money. | ||
| It's amazing that the other thing that we accept pretty openly is that in times of war, you're not supposed to do anything that's going to possibly damage a soldier's morale or upset the way they look at things. | ||
| You're not supposed to say things that would possibly upset them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which totally makes sense, but when you stop and think about it, what are you asking them to do? | ||
| Those guys are already in the war. | ||
| Don't you think they're figuring it out by now? | ||
| Like, wait a minute, this is fucking bullshit. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Some people can keep it together. | ||
| Some people, look, people are meant to do everything, man. | ||
| There's people that are meant to do that. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous, but I firmly believe it. | ||
| I think there's a broad spectrum of human beings in this world. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I don't want to bring anybody's morale down. | ||
| Why would you even think? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Do you ever think about joining the military at any point in your life? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| I've always had a problem with authority and stuff. | ||
| I did too, but I also thought that I needed discipline. | ||
| When I was 18, I almost joined. | ||
| I wouldn't say almost joined, but I thought about it as a strong possibility for a couple of days. | ||
| Which to me, at 18, with my fucking heavy ADD, was a big deal. | ||
| I think it would have done me good, but yeah, I wouldn't have. | ||
| Well, I always admired people that did it. | ||
| I had a few friends that were in the Army, and I had a few friends that had been in the Marines, and they definitely came back more. | ||
| There was something about them. | ||
| They had more confidence. | ||
| They had been through boot camp and all that shit. | ||
| There was a passage, a coming-of-age sort of a thing that I hadn't experienced. | ||
| And I was like, I think there's something to that. | ||
| I think boot camp is good for somebody. | ||
| I was always trying to figure out what's the best way to think, what's the best way to maneuver your way through life. | ||
| The thing that I was most uncomfortable with was, I'm like, I'm fucking lazy, man. | ||
| I don't like this. |
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