Guantanamo's Trippy Wall
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Recording.
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JoeRogan.net.
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Oh yeah.
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That's right.
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I said it.
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Charlie Murphy's here, bitches.
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Buckle up.
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Buckle up!
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It doesn't feel legit until the music kicks in.
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That was voiceless, too.
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Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love.
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And Rich.
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Charlie doesn't fuck around.
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He brings a whole fucking posse to your house, dude.
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I like it.
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I bought the whole camp.
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Freeze Love is my friend from the old days of the Comedy Store.
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I've known Freeze for, fuck, like a decade now.
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Yeah, if not longer.
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If not longer.
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Probably about 15 years.
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It's been a long time, man.
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You've been having a lot of reunions this week.
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I have, man.
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It's been a good week.
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What's going on?
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Well, I've been in New York.
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I've been in New York for like almost eight, nine years now, so it's my first time back in New York and around the town.
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Back in L.A., yeah.
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Usually we go way out in Ontario, you know, out there, but we're in Hollywood.
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Right.
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So a lot of people are like...
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I thought you were dead!
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So you guys have been doing a lot of touring, right?
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Oh yeah, man.
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All over the country, outside of the country.
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In fact, we're getting ready to go back to Europe again in October.
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Oh yeah?
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And then I'm doing a show down in Guantanamo Bay.
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That's going to be big.
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That's probably where I'm going to film my next one hour special.
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Really?
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Guantanamo Bay, huh?
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Yeah, Charlie Murphy Library, Guantanamo Bay.
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Holy shit, so it'll be 100% soldiers?
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100% soldiers, yeah.
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Whoa!
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Go hard, real big.
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Will they let you talk about whatever you want?
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As far as we know, yeah, man.
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I mean, I was like, you know, when I come down there, I'm not pulling no punches.
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They was like, well, no problem.
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Well, there was a great story that Louis C.K. wrote on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and how enthusiastic the troops are and how good it felt and everything.
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But he said he kept getting in trouble with the shit.
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He just couldn't help himself.
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Oh, with the higher-ups?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, because they wanted him to be fairly clean.
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And he would just go dirty.
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Because he knew that's what they wanted to hear.
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That's right, man.
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And after the show, if the general shows up and he had a problem, I'm like, well, I'm not in the army, so fuck you.
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Keep it moving.
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Some scary people you're dealing with, man.
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We're both veterans, man.
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That's right, man.
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You had your chance to get us.
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That's right.
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I'm not doing push-ups for you.
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I'm going to come do my show and whoever don't like it.
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You guys were both in the military?
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Yeah, man.
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I was in the Navy.
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He was in the Army.
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It's a different breed, man.
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People have been in the military.
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Your eyes are more open.
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People have been in the military are like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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This is for real.
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This shit's for keeps.
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Yeah.
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Everybody out there running around playing doctor.
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You want to know how the world really works?
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Even when they show on the news and they show live footage of a firefight on the news, if you was never in the military, you was never around a real firefight, That's not the same thing as being there.
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What you see on the news, it has an effect on you definitely, but being there when it's going on has a different effect.
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100% different.
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People get desensitized to seeing shit.
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Exactly.
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You get desensitized when you stand there.
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And bullets are flying by you.
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You realize this could be it right now.
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This could be it at any moment.
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That's right.
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Yeah, there's a different breed, man.
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People who've been involved in the military are a completely different breed.
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That's a hard way to live, man.
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And for a lot of people, there's not a lot of fucking options in this country, you know?
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Yeah.
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A lot of dudes who jump in there.
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Let me tell you something, man.
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If you ain't got nothing going on, it's not a bad choice, point blank.
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If you ain't really doing nothing, if you're sitting around going, well, that's a hard life, I don't want to do that, and you're not doing anything, you need to do that.
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It's better than doing nothing.
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Yeah.
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That's where I went, Joe, because I would have ended up doing nothing.
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I was just sitting at the house getting in trouble.
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Really?
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Yeah, nothing was going to work in the house.
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It was like, oh, go to the military.
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And I got it together.
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So if you're not doing nothing, then that's where you need to go.
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Well, men definitely need some form of discipline.
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Definitely.
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We do.
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We need some form of discipline.
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We need something to shock us out of our complacency and get us moving.
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We need something.
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That's true.
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Boot camps should be mandatory for every male once you turn 18, whether you go to the military or not.
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I think you're right.
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The boot camp experience.
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You know, you should go somewhere and, you know...
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Yeah, you should be somewhere where...
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Because you're going to learn to take something home with that, you know?
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You get in a situation where people that do not...
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Love you.
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Have complete control over your life.
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That's a good understanding of life.
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These are people, they don't care about your feelings.
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They don't care.
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It doesn't matter.
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And you're going to do what they say do.
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And if you don't, the repercussions, they're a lot like life.
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You're going to be in a bad situation.
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So in the long run, you come out strong.
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You don't trip out over stuff like other people.
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It's just fascinating that we like to pretend that our society is any more evolved than the Romans or than the Greeks.
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And then you really feel like what the military really is.
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It's just our hired army.
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Exactly.
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The people we pay to go fuck people up.
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That's right.
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Keep it smooth over here.
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Keep it smooth over here.
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No, no, no.
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Everything over there.
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Tear it up.
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Which is...
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Tear it up.
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Crazy.
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That's...
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That's going to always be the situation on the planet.
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You got...
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As long as you got people in different countries and all that stuff, you're going to have competition for resources.
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You got to have army.
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I know, but we don't have any idea what it must feel like to be invaded.
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That's got to be some trippy shit.
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Could you imagine if you were living in Afghanistan, for say?
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You know, Afghanistan is a fairly rural place.
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It's a very strange country.
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There's only one real city.
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Kabul's the real city.
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Everything else is all these territories run by warlords.
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It's very strange.
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And if all of a sudden...
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Tanks show up, giant metal tanks and fucking jets flying overhead.
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And you're like, what the fuck?
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You're just out there with your goats and your bitches trying to keep everything down.
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Yeah, that would be a...
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And all of a sudden there's American troops, tanks and guns and helicopters.
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I think it's even more scary to imagine that happening here, period.
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Oh, yeah.
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At my house.
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Of course.
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That's the way I can identify with the fear of it happening at my house.
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But if I look at it on my block and I've seen tanks coming up the block and all that, that would be really, you know...
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Well, we like to pretend that we're the peak of civilization, right?
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But we're doing that to somebody else.
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The peak, you know, there easily could be an advanced race above, you know, or an advanced country, rather, above this one.
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There could be some new military power that all of a sudden starts taking over, and we could be in the same situation that, you know, other countries are as opposed to us.
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Oh, yeah, that could happen.
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That most definitely could happen.
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I mean, things switch over time.
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It might not be something instantaneous, but in a few months or a few years' time, it could get all fucked up.
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I'm going to tell you, my service, I was in Berlin.
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And this was like in 1985, 86. This was all before the wall had come down.
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And we were literally stationed in the heart of Berlin.
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And Berlin is like Manhattan of Europe.
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So we would have tanks rolling down city streets, right past city buses.
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God damn!
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And it felt weird.
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It felt weird.
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But...
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How did the people respond to it?
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They were desensitized.
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That's been that way since they put the wall up in 61 or 62, whenever it was.
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So they were used to it.
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But even for me, I never got used to that.
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I was always weird.
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Wow.
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That's one of the things about going out of Guantanamo.
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They have that wall there too.
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When I was in the Navy, I went to Gitmo.
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So when I go back to perform down there, it's not going to be my first time there.
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But they have that wall there with the soldiers on the wall.
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And they tell you, if you approach that gate or if you try to go through it, They shoot the kill.
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And it's from both sides.
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If you try to come into the U.S., they shoot and kill them.
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If you try to go into Cuba, they shoot and kill them.
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Isn't it fucked up that that's cool, that we allow that?
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There's some Area 51 spot where if you cross the line, there's a certain line where you get too close to Area 51. They're just allowed to shoot you.
Crossing The Line
00:15:38
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Yeah, it's like, once you cross this line...
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We don't have to explain nothing.
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Yeah.
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Like, what the fuck?
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What kind of ridiculous rule is that?
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That's so ridiculous that the people that are in charge of the government would allow something like that.
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You can just shoot someone who's driving.
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And you don't have to explain shit.
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you know national security you might think about it what's what's behind what's over there in area 51 you might be like if you knew what it was you would be like listen they gotta shoot anyone that comes in here i've always wondered whether or not i always wondered whether or not it's really alien shit or whether it's just secret government projects you know Everybody claims alien shit, but if you don't know what the fuck they're capable of, and you think it's one thing but it really is far more advanced, you'd probably think it was alien.
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And then the rumors get spread, and if you're some scientist that thinks he's a bad motherfucker, but meanwhile there's some Russians that figured out some shit that nobody else has, and we've got their information, and it's in a hangar somewhere in the desert, you'd stumble upon that, you'd probably think that's alien.
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You'd probably think, where's this coming from?
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Oh my god.
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I think if you mean a fully realized human being, you'd think it's an alien.
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Because most people are not...
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You know what I'm saying?
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We don't use our whole brain, bro.
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We don't?
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Nah.
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We don't.
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We're the only species on the planet that don't.
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We only use 10% of our brain.
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As far as the brain capacity...
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We only use 10% of ours.
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Why?
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Why?
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How come elephants use 100% of theirs and they're elephants?
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They can't drive cars, but we use 10% of ours and we do all this technical stuff.
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I think that's urban myth.
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Nah, man.
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We only use 10%.
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I've seen it.
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I'm pretty sure.
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I saw that debunked.
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You saw that debunked?
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Yeah, yeah.
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He's looking it up right now.
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He's looking it up.
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Yeah, because I want to know this.
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I've heard that before.
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I heard it too.
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We don't use 10% of our brain.
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We don't use our...
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We don't use our entire capacity.
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We don't.
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Why not?
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You know what I'm saying?
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Or is it being controlled?
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Yeah, it's a myth.
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If anything, it's being...
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Oh, they say it's a myth?
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Yeah, it's a myth.
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Yeah, we talked about this on the podcast once before because I had heard someone else say it, too.
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It's a misquote of Albert Einstein or the misinterpretation of the work of Pierre Florens.
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So Charlie Murphy just misquoted Einstein and Pierre who?
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Florens.
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Florens.
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It's one of those things that everybody says.
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I graduated from Roosevelt Junior Senior High School, so...
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That's the end of my story.
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Newton South, Class of 85. No, I think a lot of people think this.
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People say this all the time.
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So we use 100% of our brain?
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I don't think they understand it that way.
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I think we know what areas of the mind are stimulated during certain activities.
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We can monitor the mind.
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But there's a lot of what is the consciousness.
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Where is the consciousness stored?
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Like, for instance, when you see a person that has psychic ability, right?
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When I see them?
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Do you think that that person is special or that they just tap into something that we all have but we don't all use it?
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You know what I'm saying?
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I think most psychics are full of shit.
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Most of them.
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Not all of them, though.
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I'll leave room.
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That's what I'm saying.
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When you see somebody like Michael Jordan, the way he took basketball...
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He was the psychic?
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No, I'm saying he tapped into something...
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He tapped into something that nobody else tapped into as far as playing the game was concerned yet.
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He took it to the highest level.
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Yeah, he took it to the highest level.
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Does that mean that nobody else can do that but him or just that nobody else tapped into what, you know?
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Well, there's also freaks.
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You know, there's freaks.
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Like, you know, just like John Holmes had a big giant dick, that's abnormal.
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He's got this abnormal dick.
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In your world.
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In my world, yes.
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Who's a good Lexington Steel?
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Is that a better example?
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He's a black guy with a giant dick.
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Okay, that's an unusual organ.
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Who's to say that there aren't brains capable of being hyper-powered like that?
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Some guy's got a fucking 20-inch dick brain, you know?
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And that's what it is.
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That's what I'm saying.
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If he has a 20-inch dick brain, then he's fully realized.
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To us, he would seem like an alien.
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Like, this guy's so smart.
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You see that guy that was on the news?
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He was doing all these different mathematical solutions at one time.
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He was talking to like 15 people and he was telling them the day they were born through asking them math questions.
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The day that their children were born.
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He was answering questions about their life with math.
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He had a whole room full of people.
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There's one guy in the world that does that.
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But then I have to go, what is he tapping into that allows him to do that?
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And it's all manipulation of mathematics.
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Wow.
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His grasp on understanding mathematics.
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He could do like a thousand mathematical joints at one time.
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Wow.
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You go on one plus one is two, three times six is...
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Jesus Christ.
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While you're doing that, he's doing 15, 20 of them at the same time.
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Have you ever seen those dudes play chess where they play 10 games at a time and they'll walk up and down the table and play these people?
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I got beat by one of those guys.
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That felt horrible.
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Really?
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Horrible.
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I felt like an idiot.
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That's amazing.
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When I was in the Navy, this dude took the entire mess deck, like 45 guys, chess boards in front of us.
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Oh, my God.
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And he started at the first guy and he walked to the last one.
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And when he walked back, he did maybe three laps.
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Which means he beat everybody in that room in three or four moves.
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He took everybody out quick, man.
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But this guy couldn't tie his shoes, though.
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Oh, really?
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Yeah, he had to wear loafers.
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He never could master tying his shoes.
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What?
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For real?
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Yeah, they call it an idiot savant.
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It's like that other guy.
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He was a weapons officer, man.
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He was real smart with stuff like that when we came to common sense things.
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Wow.
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That's interesting, man.
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Yeah, life balances itself out in one way or another.
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Somehow it balances...
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You don't get to be super intelligent and be cool.
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Right.
► 00:15:01
They got this one guy that's got these real thick...
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I mean, super-duper thick Coke bottle glasses.
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Right.
► 00:15:09
And what he does is he looks at, they took a picture of the New York skyline, a 360 picture of the New York skyline, and they showed him the pictures, and he's got the pictures all up close to his eyes, to these thick glasses, and then he walks into a room, and he paints!
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With a pencil, he draws the whole skyline exactly to a T from memory.
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That's the kid that can look out the window.
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Yeah, we've talked about this kid before.
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He can look out a window of a plane and see a city and then draw that exact image.
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Oh, wow.
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Right.
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It's incredible.
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That's what I'm saying.
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And they're using the same muscle we use, the brain.
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I think when you see something like that, you've got to say, okay, clearly there's levels of potential that haven't been tapped.
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And if we're evolving, and we think we are, right?
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We think at one point in time we're some lower primate and we evolved to become human, we're not going to stay this.
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We're going to get something else.
► 00:16:06
And when you see these savants, you see these people with crazy abilities, what that represents to me is potential.
► 00:16:12
This is a potential performance of the human body.
► 00:16:15
It's just not working in all of us yet.
► 00:16:17
But if this guy can do it, yeah, yeah, he shits himself, and yeah, yeah, he can't fucking watch TV without screaming and running into the walls, but he can still take a picture with his mind and draw, and you can't do that.
► 00:16:28
If you could do that, too, and all the other stuff you do.
► 00:16:31
Wow.
► 00:16:32
Right.
► 00:16:32
So that's when we've evolved.
► 00:16:34
Because, I mean, if I had to take a choice, I think I'd rather just not be able to draw and not shit my pants on myself.
► 00:16:40
I would say that, too.
► 00:16:41
I would go with that, too.
► 00:16:42
Yeah, I don't want to be some...
► 00:16:45
Extreme example that's crying all the time.
► 00:16:48
Some extreme example that can't get my shit together.
► 00:16:51
Listen to him play the violin.
► 00:16:53
Just keep doing these problems, Paul.
► 00:16:57
Becoming the best at something, at anything, and trying to become the best, you risk becoming a fucking mad person.
► 00:17:04
You risk becoming a crazy person.
► 00:17:05
Definitely.
► 00:17:06
To get out there, to really get out there, to hit the highest highs, you almost have to just be fucking nuts.
► 00:17:12
You almost have to just let it all go.
► 00:17:14
You almost have to be just willing to go to places that other people won't go quicker than they're willing to go, harder, with more discipline, further, further, further.
► 00:17:23
And as you're doing that, man, you separate from humans.
► 00:17:28
You get so wrapped up in trying to accomplish something, and you become crazy.
► 00:17:32
You know, I've seen it happen.
► 00:17:33
I've seen people go crazy.
► 00:17:35
We've seen people on the sport.
► 00:17:36
Yeah.
► 00:17:37
He shot lasers at me the other day.
► 00:17:39
Really?
► 00:17:40
For the folks who don't know, Robert William Apperville is a comedy store legend.
► 00:17:44
He's a dude who used to hang around the comedy store, and he was always wearing plastic bags and stuff.
► 00:17:49
He was kind of homeless.
► 00:17:51
And he would have all these one-liners about weed.
► 00:17:54
He knew all this information about weed.
► 00:17:56
His whole act was about weed.
► 00:17:57
Everything.
► 00:17:57
I mean...
► 00:17:58
Like, if you want to grow 35 plants, then you need to have 35 clones, but you have to catch them at the right month, and you would know everything.
► 00:18:05
Yeah, but he bought a new suit recently, though, so things are on the ups and ups with him.
► 00:18:09
I'm glad he's alive.
► 00:18:11
Pharmaceuticals, baby.
► 00:18:11
He was always very friendly.
► 00:18:12
I've never shaken his hand, but we've always been very cordial and friendly with each other because he won't touch people.
► 00:18:18
He won't touch people.
► 00:18:19
I tried to give him knuckles once.
► 00:18:20
I prefer not to do that.
► 00:18:22
I prefer not to.
► 00:18:22
I prefer not to do that.
► 00:18:24
So he doesn't like being touched, the poor guy.
► 00:18:26
You can only speculate as to what the fuck that's all about.
► 00:18:29
If someone doesn't like being touched, who doesn't like a good hug every now and then?
► 00:18:33
Again, this was a guy who wanted to be a comedian so desperately.
► 00:18:39
He just put himself in the comedy world.
► 00:18:43
I don't know if he was ever funny, but...
► 00:18:47
He made me laugh a few times.
► 00:18:49
They were silly.
► 00:18:51
He had some silly one-liners that were funny.
► 00:18:53
Maybe he was molested by a fellow comic.
► 00:18:56
Maybe.
► 00:18:56
Maybe he won't give up the knuckles.
► 00:18:59
Nasty.
► 00:19:01
Did you ever look at fake big dick black porn?
► 00:19:04
Oh, yeah.
► 00:19:05
Where it's like, yeah, this is a real dick.
► 00:19:07
They have artificial dicks and they don't pull them out.
► 00:19:09
They keep them in their pants and they just pull out this fake dick like, yeah, that's my dick.
► 00:19:14
And it doesn't even look real at all, man.
► 00:19:16
It's ridiculous.
► 00:19:16
What do they do?
► 00:19:16
Is it parties?
► 00:19:17
No, they just do it.
► 00:19:19
This guy makes films.
► 00:19:20
He makes videos.
► 00:19:20
But it's a fake dick.
► 00:19:22
And you could buy it, too.
► 00:19:23
So if you want to have a fake big black dick Nah.
► 00:19:25
It's so ridiculous.
► 00:19:27
I mean, his special effects budget is very minimal.
► 00:19:30
Because this dude doesn't even take his pants off.
► 00:19:33
He's just got this fake dick poking out of his zipper hole.
► 00:19:35
We just met a guy like that down in West Palm.
► 00:19:39
It was a dude named Jab Time Boogie.
► 00:19:41
Jab Time Boogie.
► 00:19:43
I brushed the hairs up on my chest.
► 00:19:46
We met this guy.
► 00:19:50
He came to the show.
► 00:19:52
And he said he wanted to do 10 minutes, which I always let any comedians that are local come and do some time.
► 00:19:57
You should never say that on the internet.
► 00:19:59
Well, I said it, man.
► 00:20:00
I said it.
► 00:20:02
You better get busy, because if you don't, you know what's going to happen.
► 00:20:06
That's beautiful.
► 00:20:07
You let anybody do 10 minutes.
► 00:20:10
Anywhere.
► 00:20:10
Everywhere I've been, dudes come up to me and say, yo, man, I'm struggling, trying to get it cracking.
► 00:20:14
Wow.
► 00:20:15
And you let them go up and do 10 minutes?
► 00:20:17
Yeah.
► 00:20:17
And sometimes...
► 00:20:18
Charlie Murphy, you're a fucking beautiful person.
► 00:20:21
Sometimes it's to the audience's chagrin because, you know...
► 00:20:24
Sometimes it's terrible.
► 00:20:25
Yeah, wow.
► 00:20:26
This dude came up.
► 00:20:26
He had the fake dick going around his knee.
► 00:20:30
Like a polka kielboska sausage.
► 00:20:32
He looked like his dick wrapped around his knee.
► 00:20:34
Wrapped around his leg.
► 00:20:35
Ha, ha, ha.
► 00:20:36
Was that part of his act?
► 00:20:37
That was part of his act.
► 00:20:39
He came up, he was primarily displaying his fake dick, and I was sitting in the back going, wow, you know, we can say what we want, but that is show business.
► 00:20:48
That is show business.
► 00:20:51
He's on the stage.
► 00:20:53
There's a light on him and people are looking at him.
► 00:20:55
He had everyone's attention for about two minutes.
► 00:20:59
I don't care what you want to say about it.
► 00:21:02
That's show business.
► 00:21:03
Therefore, that could be you.
► 00:21:05
That could be you.
► 00:21:06
So consider yourself fortunate that you don't have to put on a fake dick.
► 00:21:11
Stand in front of a crowd to get paid.
► 00:21:14
Sing songs about your chest hair.
► 00:21:16
Yeah, you know?
► 00:21:17
That's a hell of a way to make a living.
► 00:21:19
Do you ever have a hard time getting...
► 00:21:20
Except being in the military is hard as shit.
► 00:21:22
That's hard.
► 00:21:22
Do you ever have a hard time getting the guys off stage where they don't want to just do 10 minutes, they want to keep going?
► 00:21:26
That dude wanted to stay on.
► 00:21:27
He thought he was killing them.
► 00:21:28
Everyone was looking at him like, yo, what are you...
► 00:21:31
What is this about?
► 00:21:32
Okay, joke's over.
► 00:21:33
Come on, let's do it.
► 00:21:35
I was like, y'all think you better like him?
► 00:21:37
He's...
► 00:21:38
He was bugging, man.
► 00:21:40
You took the craziest path into comedy ever, man, and I always admire you for doing that.
► 00:21:45
When we met, Charlie and I did this thing, the Maxim Comedy Tour.
► 00:21:50
It was Charlie, me, and Johnny Heffron, and we had a great fucking time.
► 00:21:55
Oh, yeah.
► 00:21:55
And we got to become friends, but I... I was always impressed that you were an actor, essentially, when you went on Chappelle's show.
► 00:22:05
You were just a guy who was really good at telling stories and a really good actor and the brother of the most famous stand-up comedian possibly of all time.
► 00:22:15
And you just jumped right into headlining, man.
► 00:22:19
You just jumped right in.
► 00:22:21
That takes some crazy balls.
► 00:22:23
I think about when I first started doing stand-up, if someone said, okay, now you're going to do 45 minutes, I would have just shit all over myself.
► 00:22:30
You just went right in.
► 00:22:32
You never had a moment where you were like Charlie Murphy, the middle act, who toured the country and tried to do little gigs.
► 00:22:38
You just went right into the fucking flame, which is really hard to do.
► 00:22:43
And said, and I'm going to have Freeze Love as my opener.
► 00:22:47
Yeah.
► 00:22:47
And told me, don't hold back.
► 00:22:49
Do you.
► 00:22:54
My attitude has always been, because of the age I was when I started doing stand-up, I was like, you don't got time for all that.
► 00:22:59
You were already a man.
► 00:23:01
You don't have time to be opening for people.
► 00:23:06
You don't have time, but you got to show up with something to say.
► 00:23:08
Do you have something to say?
► 00:23:10
Okay, if you have something to say, let's go iron it out and make it happen, you know?
► 00:23:13
If not, leave it alone.
► 00:23:15
You had evolved the philosophy by the time you ever got on stage.
► 00:23:19
When I first got on stage, I was 21. I was an idiot.
► 00:23:22
I didn't know shit.
► 00:23:23
I had no business telling anybody anything about anything.
► 00:23:26
So I would just talk about pussy.
► 00:23:28
I would just tell sex jokes.
► 00:23:29
I mean, that was like my whole act.
► 00:23:31
The first time I got on stage and did a show and got paid for it, I probably got paid way more money than I deserved.
► 00:23:40
But once I tasted the money...
► 00:23:45
There's no way somebody's telling me I can't go back up on that stage again.
► 00:23:49
Yeah, man.
► 00:23:50
I was like, I'll do whatever I have to do to stay up there.
► 00:23:52
I was telling people in the audience, look, man, you don't understand.
► 00:23:54
I'm going to beat you up for real.
► 00:23:57
I'm really going to bust the mic stand on your face.
► 00:23:59
You better let it go because I'm not giving this job up.
► 00:24:02
And I stayed with it, man.
► 00:24:04
How old were you when you first got on stage?
► 00:24:06
42. Wow.
► 00:24:08
Yeah.
► 00:24:08
Wow.
Giant Shift In Life
00:15:30
► 00:24:09
So what was that like, man?
► 00:24:11
What a giant shift in your life.
► 00:24:14
Huge.
► 00:24:15
It was huge.
► 00:24:16
And touring all over the fucking country, constantly performing.
► 00:24:19
For the first two years, I didn't believe that it was real.
► 00:24:24
It was like, okay, they're being courteous to you because they like you on the Chappelle show, and they're not booing you or nothing, so go get this money and have fun.
► 00:24:35
But don't take it serious because at any moment, it's going to disappear.
► 00:24:39
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:24:40
But then that didn't happen and it became a responsibility.
► 00:24:43
Like, okay, it's not disappearing.
► 00:24:46
It's your responsibility to take this as far as you can.
► 00:24:50
Wow, that's a weird way of thinking about it.
► 00:24:53
So why did you think that it was going to go away?
► 00:24:55
Was it because it was too good to be true?
► 00:24:57
It was too good to be true, man.
► 00:24:59
Yeah, it was too good to be true.
► 00:25:00
Me going into the room and standing on the stage for, at that time, 15-20 minutes and getting 5 grand, 10 grams.
► 00:25:08
What?
► 00:25:09
For talking?
► 00:25:10
Too good to be, about whatever I want to talk about?
► 00:25:12
Come on, man.
► 00:25:14
It wasn't like somebody said, you have to do, in acting, we give you a script, a part, we have to deliver this guy to the audience.
► 00:25:20
Not you.
► 00:25:22
Stand up is you.
► 00:25:23
So that was too good to be true.
► 00:25:25
I was like, what, man?
► 00:25:26
Come on, man.
► 00:25:27
What's the hardest part about starting that late?
► 00:25:29
Is it that you're already set in your ways and you've got to shift your whole life around because now you're a stand-up comic?
► 00:25:35
No, the hardest part about starting out that late for me was that I had...
► 00:25:41
Most comedians that were my age, I'm 52 years old now.
► 00:25:44
Most comedians that were my age had a lot of fans their age.
► 00:25:49
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:25:50
I have fans my age, but I have also a lot of fans that are 21, 18. And now because of the new show I'm doing with Terry Crews, are we there yet?
► 00:26:01
Five and six years old again.
► 00:26:03
A lot of kids are popping up.
► 00:26:05
Wow.
► 00:26:05
So when I started doing stand-up, I was like, who are you talking to?
► 00:26:11
You can't talk to everybody.
► 00:26:12
You can't talk to little kids the same way you talk to adults.
► 00:26:15
And the answer that came back was just be yourself.
► 00:26:18
And the people who you're supposed to be talking to are going to show up.
► 00:26:22
The ones who you ain't supposed to be talking to will not come back, you know?
► 00:26:26
And I've been doing pretty good with that.
► 00:26:27
I just do me.
► 00:26:29
That's why I've been able to go all around the world and have had no problem because when we get there, I'm not struggling with, oh, I'm in Stockholm now, so how am I going to...
► 00:26:40
No, I'm in Stockholm, so you're going to get the same thing in Stockholm that you're going to get in Hollywood or that you would get in New York, you know?
► 00:26:48
Yeah.
► 00:26:49
Me.
► 00:26:49
And that's it.
► 00:26:50
That's all I can deliver.
► 00:26:51
It's me.
► 00:26:52
There's something beautiful about that.
► 00:26:55
That's a wisdom and an approach when you're 42 that you don't necessarily have when you're 21. When you're 21 and you first start out doing stand-up, you really shouldn't be talking.
► 00:27:06
You should be listening.
► 00:27:07
Your point of view is really irrelevant.
► 00:27:09
Yeah, you should be listening.
► 00:27:10
Oh, when you start talking about relationships and all that stuff at 21, it's like, stop it, man.
► 00:27:14
You only had one relationship.
► 00:27:16
Let me tell you how to raise a family.
► 00:27:18
The difference between black folks and white folks.
► 00:27:20
You're how old again?
► 00:27:22
Yeah, exactly.
► 00:27:24
All that kind of stuff, you know.
► 00:27:26
I think the fact that I was a man when I started, I was already a full-grown man, helped me out a lot, too.
► 00:27:32
Yeah, because stand-up ultimately becomes about your point of view.
► 00:27:36
It becomes, you know, you breaking down, this is, I've been alive for X amount of years, this is how I see it.
► 00:27:43
Boom.
► 00:27:44
You know, that's what your stand-up eventually becomes.
► 00:27:47
You know, eventually, and you're already there.
► 00:27:49
You already had so much life experience to jump in at 42. Yeah.
► 00:27:55
Oh yeah, man.
► 00:27:56
And then have the nerve to, because it's courage, the courage to stand in and tell people.
► 00:28:04
Because I think it's funny.
► 00:28:05
I'm going to hit you with it.
► 00:28:06
Boom!
► 00:28:07
Now, we all know as comedians that sometimes you don't get that explosion.
► 00:28:11
You don't want that not to happen, but it's a possibility.
► 00:28:15
But that's the risk we got to take, right?
► 00:28:17
Yeah, bombing sucks.
► 00:28:18
Bombing sucks.
► 00:28:19
It's part of the program.
► 00:28:22
It's what makes you sharp, though.
► 00:28:24
The fear of it.
► 00:28:25
It's what keeps you sharp.
► 00:28:27
It's much harder.
► 00:28:28
We're out here right now doing my first TV show.
► 00:28:33
I'm the star of the show.
► 00:28:35
We're in the midst of doing it right now.
► 00:28:36
And we're going to be out here for six weeks.
► 00:28:38
And what is it?
► 00:28:39
Charlie Murphy's Law.
► 00:28:40
Charlie Murphy's Law.
► 00:28:43
It's me as a judge.
► 00:28:44
People think of Judge Mathis or whatever.
► 00:28:46
But imagine Judge Mathis when he goes home.
► 00:28:49
Oh, okay.
► 00:28:50
And he has, you know Judge Matthews' background, he's a dude from the street.
► 00:28:55
Right.
► 00:28:55
Because he adopted this kid that's a bad kid.
► 00:28:59
So he's trying to mentor this kid.
► 00:29:01
It's kind of like the courtship of Eddie's father.
► 00:29:04
Your son is not soft.
► 00:29:06
Your son is really a problem.
► 00:29:08
Every week there's going to be some drama with this kid where I'm going to have to really, you know what I'm saying, be dad.
► 00:29:14
You're going to have to knuckle up.
► 00:29:15
He's not Theo.
► 00:29:17
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:29:18
He's a real kid.
► 00:29:19
He's a real kid, man.
► 00:29:20
He's like what most people are dealing with.
► 00:29:22
Right, right, right.
► 00:29:23
But he's funny, you know?
► 00:29:25
So if you mix the two things about Night Court and that blended together, that's what the gist of the show is.
► 00:29:32
It's going to be me and Night Court.
► 00:29:34
It's going to be funny stuff in the courtroom scenes or whatever.
► 00:29:36
But it's going to be mainly about me and my relationship with my adopted son.
► 00:29:41
I hope you look into Judge Mathis as your inspiration because I love Judge Mathis.
► 00:29:45
Judge Mathis is raw, man.
► 00:29:46
He's the fucking bomb.
► 00:29:47
I love Judge Mathis.
► 00:29:49
Isn't it weird how we like watching other people go to court?
► 00:29:52
Yeah.
► 00:29:55
How weird is that, man?
► 00:29:56
We like watching other people go to court.
► 00:29:57
Other people.
► 00:29:58
We like other people to be up there and go, oh, you're fucked now, dude.
► 00:30:01
I can't believe he said that.
► 00:30:03
This motherfucker doesn't even have receipts.
► 00:30:05
You're right.
► 00:30:05
No receipts?
► 00:30:07
Why'd you even come, sir?
► 00:30:09
Shut up.
► 00:30:09
Shut up.
► 00:30:10
Why do we like that?
► 00:30:11
Why do we like seeing other people fuck up?
► 00:30:13
Yeah.
► 00:30:14
I think it keeps us on your toes.
► 00:30:16
It keeps me on my toes.
► 00:30:17
I think it's just a nice distraction.
► 00:30:19
You concentrate on their problems so you don't have to think about your own.
► 00:30:22
You've got some new thing to occupy your mind.
► 00:30:24
Yeah, this is true.
► 00:30:25
I consider Judge Mathis like school, though.
► 00:30:27
It teaches me what not to do, just like I do with cops.
► 00:30:30
Okay, what does it teach you what not to do?
► 00:30:32
If I were to murder somebody, I know not to do this and that.
► 00:30:36
Judge Mathis has begging skills, so that's why I like it.
► 00:30:39
Yeah, Judge Mathis.
► 00:30:40
He has professional bagging skills.
► 00:30:42
I wouldn't start no type of...
► 00:30:44
He can shut you down.
► 00:30:44
He's quick with it.
► 00:30:45
He's quick with it.
► 00:30:46
And he says some bone-crushing shit, man.
► 00:30:49
I'm telling you.
► 00:30:49
I was in the radio station with him.
► 00:30:51
I'm not going to learn his jokes back, but he really tore that...
► 00:30:53
What was that DJ's name?
► 00:30:55
I don't know.
► 00:30:55
That guy started it.
► 00:30:56
He came in and started.
► 00:30:57
He thought he had two, you know, schleps in the room.
► 00:30:59
He came...
► 00:31:00
First, he started with Paul.
► 00:31:01
He didn't know Paul was a comedian.
► 00:31:03
And he made...
► 00:31:03
And he made freeze...
► 00:31:05
He actually freezed after about 10 minutes.
► 00:31:07
He said, Hey...
► 00:31:09
Are you a professional comedian?
► 00:31:10
Because the room was, like, glasses were knocked over and everything.
► 00:31:13
People were laughing at him.
► 00:31:14
He came in the room and started it and got blowed out.
► 00:31:17
He looked like a tall Gary Coleman.
► 00:31:19
Right.
► 00:31:20
That's what freeze stuck to that whole theme, the Gary Coleman theme.
► 00:31:23
This dude was about this tall.
► 00:31:25
Looked just like Gary.
► 00:31:27
Ripped him in the room.
► 00:31:28
And then we went into the booth, the actual room, to do the interview.
► 00:31:32
Judge Mathis is in there.
► 00:31:33
So the guy just finished getting embarrassed.
► 00:31:36
By freeze, he wants to redeem himself.
► 00:31:38
He says something to Judge Mathis.
► 00:31:40
And then Judge Mathis took it to the next level.
► 00:31:43
It was like they played a relay race with that guy.
► 00:31:47
Like ping pong, what is it?
► 00:31:48
He had him freeze-hailing him off to Judge Mathis.
► 00:31:51
And what did Judge Mathis say?
► 00:31:52
He destroyed him.
► 00:31:53
He destroyed him.
► 00:31:54
What did he say?
► 00:31:55
He said, first of all, climb up out of that hole when you talk to me.
► 00:32:02
- That's what we told the dude.
► 00:32:04
Wow.
► 00:32:08
I mean, the dude was...
► 00:32:09
There's a judge talking shit to you?
► 00:32:12
Yeah.
► 00:32:13
And at one point, my man said something about downtown L.A. Oh, yeah.
► 00:32:19
He said something about transvestites.
► 00:32:21
And the dude said, yeah, yeah, Judge Matthews.
► 00:32:23
I know you want to go down there and see all them transvestites.
► 00:32:26
Judge Matthews said, yeah, yeah.
► 00:32:28
I do want to go down there so I could watch you stand up and suck dick.
► 00:32:33
And this dude was like real short.
► 00:32:34
The judge said that?
► 00:32:35
Judge Matthews.
► 00:32:36
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
► 00:32:38
Are you throwing him under the bus right now?
► 00:32:42
Is this information that can get him?
► 00:32:44
He's real, man.
► 00:32:45
Judge Mathis is real, son.
► 00:32:46
He crushed him.
► 00:32:47
Prison and shit.
► 00:32:48
That dude's awesome.
► 00:32:49
Tell a short dude so I can watch you stand up and suck dick.
► 00:32:53
That was where the brilliance was.
► 00:32:55
Okay?
► 00:32:55
Don't get it twisted.
► 00:32:57
That's what made me go, Judge Mathis is the real deal.
► 00:33:00
He hit this dude so hard, man.
► 00:33:02
The dude shut up.
► 00:33:03
The rest of the interview, he was scared to talk, man.
► 00:33:06
He was scared to ask questions.
► 00:33:08
We was interviewing ourselves after that.
► 00:33:11
Great moments in criminal history.
► 00:33:13
True Hollywood stories with Judge Matthews.
► 00:33:17
I love Judge Matthews.
► 00:33:19
I could watch you stand up and...
► 00:33:22
I'm supposed to...
► 00:33:22
Tommy...
► 00:33:26
I'm supposed to ask you about Johnny Gill who thought he could beat Oscar De La Hoya.
► 00:33:31
Oh yeah, man.
► 00:33:32
Wow, how'd you know about that?
► 00:33:34
Somebody told me that.
► 00:33:35
Wow, how'd you know about that one, man?
► 00:33:36
I think it was Tom Segura told me that.
► 00:33:38
That was one of the days when...
► 00:33:39
That's back when Oscar was still fighting, too.
► 00:33:42
That's what made me really angry.
► 00:33:44
Oscar was whipping somebody's ass and I'm sitting next to a balladeer.
► 00:33:49
I respect you.
► 00:33:50
You're a good singer and all that, but don't point to no fighter and go, I can whip him.
► 00:33:53
I don't want to hear that, man.
► 00:33:54
He really said that?
► 00:33:57
Vehemently, man.
► 00:33:57
It jumped up.
► 00:34:00
The fact that you brought it up, it ain't like I'm snitching.
► 00:34:03
I told him, if I ever see you and Oscar in the same room, make sure that Oscar knows that you feel that way.
► 00:34:10
I want to be there.
► 00:34:12
I'm making sure he knows that you, a balladeer Cronin, Say that you can whip him.
► 00:34:17
Yeah, man.
► 00:34:18
To me, that was the highest insult of the highest level, man.
► 00:34:22
You making money with roses flying in the air and all that?
► 00:34:26
You going to look at a fighter and talk about how I can whip him?
► 00:34:28
Come on, man.
► 00:34:30
He needs to know that.
► 00:34:31
He needs to know you feel that way.
► 00:34:36
I did it with Mike Tyson.
► 00:34:38
You remember when he used to talk shit?
► 00:34:39
One day we were all together and I said, you know, Mike, this dude told me.
► 00:34:47
Whip your ass, man.
► 00:34:49
He tells me all the time.
► 00:34:51
Why don't you tell Mike what you be telling me?
► 00:34:55
Watched him turn into Kool-Aid in his chair.
► 00:34:57
What did he say, Mike?
► 00:34:58
He didn't say nothing to Mike.
► 00:34:59
I meant the other Mike Tyson, man.
► 00:35:01
He didn't say nothing to Mike.
► 00:35:02
That was my whole point.
► 00:35:04
I mean, you probably have encountered it before.
► 00:35:06
I've been in the hood.
► 00:35:07
I've been in the barbershop sometime.
► 00:35:08
And I've got to tell folks, man, they'll be like, yo, man.
► 00:35:11
Because Mike, you know, Mike, nothing, man.
► 00:35:13
What do you do?
► 00:35:14
You work for UPS, right?
► 00:35:16
Don't bring up Mike's name, son.
► 00:35:18
Stop it.
► 00:35:19
Bring up another truck driver.
► 00:35:21
Because I'll take you out of Gleason's right now and pick out any heavyweight, somebody who you've never seen on TV, and he'll make you call him the greatest.
► 00:35:29
Stop it, man.
► 00:35:29
You got a fighter.
► 00:35:30
You don't do what this guy does.
► 00:35:32
Respect what he does.
► 00:35:33
Mess like him jumping behind the wheel of your truck and trying to beat you on your route.
► 00:35:36
It's not going to happen.
► 00:35:37
I'm going to park this.
► 00:35:38
It's not going to happen.
► 00:35:41
It's not going to happen, man.
► 00:35:42
It's a weird thing where dudes get delusional about their ability to kick ass.
► 00:35:46
It's a weird thing, man.
► 00:35:46
Yeah, Johnny Gilbert, he really thought he...
► 00:35:48
Back in the day, I don't know if...
► 00:35:49
Maybe, you know, he's more mature.
► 00:35:51
But what did he think?
► 00:35:51
He just think that Oscar Delahoe was getting lucky?
► 00:35:54
Oscar, he could beat Oscar.
► 00:35:54
He felt he was more powerful, faster...
► 00:35:57
I was like, but you never boxed before.
► 00:36:00
It has nothing to do with it.
► 00:36:01
I'm talking about being a man.
► 00:36:02
I was like, what do you think they're doing, man?
► 00:36:05
What are you talking about, man?
► 00:36:06
These boys are just fighting, man.
► 00:36:08
I'm talking about being a man.
► 00:36:09
These boys are trying to knock each other's heads off.
► 00:36:12
Talk about being a man.
► 00:36:13
That's a dude that doesn't understand what an eight-week camp is like.
► 00:36:17
An eight-week training camp.
► 00:36:18
He was buffed.
► 00:36:19
I think he was working out with Barry Barnes and he had a little cut-on and everything.
► 00:36:23
I was like, you know, those muscles don't translate to a win, brother.
► 00:36:27
It translates to best in show at a bodybuilding contest.
► 00:36:31
Not that you're gonna win the fight.
► 00:36:33
And if you look at real fighters, they don't have the chiseled body like G.I. Joe.
► 00:36:37
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:36:38
Look at Anderson Silva.
► 00:36:39
Yeah, look at his body look normal, man.
► 00:36:40
Yeah.
► 00:36:41
And look what happens when those dudes come in with the, you know...
► 00:36:44
The G.I. Joe Kid.
► 00:36:46
The classic ballet stand.
► 00:36:47
The problem with all that muscle is it needs fuel.
► 00:36:50
You gotta feed that.
► 00:36:51
So you're only good for about 30 seconds, 20 seconds of full fury when you're all big like that.
► 00:36:57
The guy can hang on to you.
► 00:36:58
It's like riding a bull.
► 00:37:00
But the bull's like a real bad endurance.
► 00:37:03
Then you burn out.
► 00:37:04
You get the big, rough arms, they fill up with blood.
► 00:37:07
Then they can't move.
► 00:37:08
They get heavy.
► 00:37:09
It's crazy.
► 00:37:10
You watch, like, there's a guy named Marius Pujanowski, world's strongest man, does those crazy fucking things where they throw the beer bottles in the air and lift up cars and shit, you know, that strongman shit.
► 00:37:21
He's won it a bunch of times.
► 00:37:23
And he just started doing MMA. And he gets fucked up by fat dudes.
► 00:37:27
He's not throwing a big keg.
► 00:37:28
He's throwing something with punches and kicks coming off.
► 00:37:30
Tim Sylvia beat the fuck out of that boy.
► 00:37:32
He had that dude purple.
► 00:37:34
That guy was purple as fuck.
► 00:37:35
Tim Sylvia was like, how dare you?
► 00:37:38
I was a fucking two-time heavyweight champion.
► 00:37:40
Or more, maybe.
► 00:37:41
Either way, he's a fucking world UFC heavyweight champion.
► 00:37:46
And you think that you can pick up a car so you can kick his ass?
► 00:37:50
It was like a slow, methodical ass-kicking by an overweight guy, essentially.
► 00:37:56
The guy with a big gut.
► 00:37:57
The car's not moving.
► 00:37:58
The car's not doing techniques on you.
► 00:38:00
But if they can get you in those first 15 seconds, you could have a real big fucking problem.
► 00:38:05
Because for 15 seconds...
► 00:38:06
Those guys get street people.
► 00:38:08
That guy who could throw a car goes to the supermarket and you get an argument.
► 00:38:13
He could probably throw you across the meat section and...
► 00:38:16
Take your back or something.
► 00:38:18
You won't expect it.
► 00:38:18
Wow, this guy flew me across the meat section.
► 00:38:21
But you ain't an MMA fighter.
► 00:38:23
You ain't a boxer.
► 00:38:24
You ain't whatever.
► 00:38:24
Any kind of professional athlete, whatever profession he's in, respect it.
► 00:38:29
Don't disrespect it.
► 00:38:30
Straight up.
► 00:38:31
Now you got me thinking about fights in supermarkets.
► 00:38:34
Yeah, yeah.
► 00:38:35
Yeah, man.
► 00:38:36
There's no weight classes in supermarkets.
► 00:38:38
No weight classes.
► 00:38:38
I remember a few years ago, this dude was talking about jumping on...
► 00:38:41
He was one of the running backs.
► 00:38:44
And I asked him, they were the same size physically.
► 00:38:47
I was like, you really think you could beat that guy?
► 00:38:49
He's like, we're the same size.
► 00:38:51
I said, yeah, but I've seen him run over five guys his size.
► 00:38:54
I've never seen you run over nothing.
► 00:38:57
You have a hard time going up the steps.
► 00:38:59
You want to mess with this boy?
► 00:39:01
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:39:02
You're the same size, but you don't need the same thing, man.
► 00:39:05
Yeah, people don't understand a super athlete.
► 00:39:08
That's why we have the ability to buck our eyes.
► 00:39:12
To express that.
► 00:39:14
To express that when you get surprised.
► 00:39:16
Oh, shit!
► 00:39:19
I didn't mean it.
► 00:39:21
I wasn't practicing.
► 00:39:22
Exactly.
► 00:39:23
Yeah, you can't hang out with dudes that talk shit.
Funniest UFC Moment
00:10:58
► 00:39:26
Nope.
► 00:39:26
Talk shit about how they fight Mike Tyson.
► 00:39:29
Those guys are useless.
► 00:39:31
I'm telling you, if you come around me and talk about who you can whip, because a lot of my friends are friends, and I see them in the room, I'm not just letting them know how you feel.
► 00:39:40
That's how I roll.
► 00:39:41
That was the funniest fucking moment.
► 00:39:42
I'm going to let them know how you feel.
► 00:39:44
It was me, Brad Blackburn, Maury Smith, and one other...
► 00:39:51
Oh, Ivan Salivari.
► 00:39:52
All UFC fighters or kickboxers.
► 00:39:56
And we're all out at a restaurant.
► 00:39:58
And Charlie is convincing everybody that...
► 00:40:02
The ridge hand, that y'all are sleeping on the ridge hand.
► 00:40:06
And he was talking about the Chicago ridge hand, the different types of ridge hands.
► 00:40:12
And they were laughing.
► 00:40:13
They were trying to say, yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:40:15
But Charlie stuck his fucking guns.
► 00:40:17
You know who used the ridge hand was the Iceman in one of the very first UFC joints.
► 00:40:23
My man Chuck Liddell knocked out Yarbrough with a ridge hand.
► 00:40:27
Chuck Liddell never fought Yarbrough.
► 00:40:29
He fought some big game dude.
► 00:40:30
Keith Hackney fought Yarbrough.
► 00:40:32
And I was like, yo.
► 00:40:32
Yeah, he did though.
► 00:40:33
He hit him with an open palm strike to the head too.
► 00:40:38
He hit him with a bunch of different things.
► 00:40:39
And I was like, yo.
► 00:40:41
But I would never use...
► 00:40:42
See, open palm strike.
► 00:40:47
That even sounds like it's just gonna...
► 00:40:50
Yo, but listen though.
► 00:40:51
Who just executed a beautiful open palm strike?
► 00:40:55
National television.
► 00:40:56
We all give a round of applause right now.
► 00:40:58
The wife of Rupert Murdoch.
► 00:41:00
Let's give a round of applause.
► 00:41:02
What happened?
► 00:41:02
Rupert Murdoch's wife, man.
► 00:41:04
What happened?
► 00:41:05
You just see the press conference when Rupert Murdoch was getting interviewed and this dude tried to come in with the pie and hit him from the side and his wife came out with the open-hand palm strike and broke his nose, man.
► 00:41:14
Whoa!
► 00:41:15
His wife is young.
► 00:41:17
She's not old like him.
► 00:41:18
She's in her 30s, man.
► 00:41:20
Look at him.
► 00:41:20
She didn't even hesitate.
► 00:41:21
30-year-old pizza ass.
► 00:41:23
Fight for him.
► 00:41:25
Break noses for him.
► 00:41:27
Broke his nose, man.
► 00:41:29
Rupert Murdoch, you know, despite of all evil intentions.
► 00:41:32
And she's beautiful.
► 00:41:32
And she's hot.
► 00:41:33
He's a bad motherfucker.
► 00:41:35
Oh, yeah.
► 00:41:35
I mean, that guy's got a lot of power in this world.
► 00:41:38
And a beautiful wife that can kick your ass, man.
► 00:41:41
That's incredible.
► 00:41:42
That's what you can say.
► 00:41:43
You got it all.
► 00:41:43
You can tell your wife, you go take care of that guy.
► 00:41:47
She comes over.
► 00:41:49
That's how she knows martial arts, by the way.
► 00:41:51
She went straight with the palm here.
► 00:41:53
Straight.
► 00:41:54
Right to the nose, man.
► 00:41:56
She beats you up with yoga.
► 00:41:58
No, she came with it, man.
► 00:42:01
What an old school move, though.
► 00:42:02
Hitting somebody with a pie.
► 00:42:06
What was so funny about the whole thing is not long before that, we were just talking.
► 00:42:12
We were like, what is the defense with that?
► 00:42:14
Right.
► 00:42:15
And Charlie's like, wow, wow.
► 00:42:15
Ask Joe first.
► 00:42:17
Okay, let's ask Joe.
► 00:42:18
If you was doing something live and somebody did that to you, would you laugh it off?
► 00:42:24
It really depends.
► 00:42:25
It depends on if I felt malice from them, if I felt like they hated me, if I felt like they were laughing at me.
► 00:42:33
They try to embarrass you.
► 00:42:34
Yeah, but people try to embarrass people just because they're idiots and they want attention.
► 00:42:38
It would all depend entirely on the moment, but I would hope that I wouldn't do anything stupid.
► 00:42:43
Alright, so I said, my answer was I would whip the person's ass, right?
► 00:42:47
That's something stupid.
► 00:42:48
This is what he pointed out.
► 00:42:50
He said, remember this, Charlie.
► 00:42:53
Once the pie is on your face, whatever you do after that, you're doing it with pie on your face.
► 00:43:02
It makes it instant comedy.
► 00:43:04
If you whip the guy's ass all over the room, you got pie.
► 00:43:07
To me, it would depend on the pie.
► 00:43:14
Yeah, it could be delicious pie.
► 00:43:16
It was like, what?
► 00:43:16
Is that lemon meringue?
► 00:43:17
Fuck yeah.
► 00:43:18
Thank you, sir.
► 00:43:18
Are you going to get in the face with lemon meringue pie, son?
► 00:43:21
It's going to happen.
► 00:43:22
I'll whip your ass.
► 00:43:24
You'll be fighting with pie in your face.
► 00:43:26
You'll be angry.
► 00:43:29
Just like there's a lot of dummies that will look at a guy like Mike Tyson and really think that they can kick his ass.
► 00:43:34
There are people that look at a guy like you, like on stage, and they get upset at you for some reason.
► 00:43:39
They get upset at you for getting that attention.
► 00:43:41
They get upset at you.
► 00:43:42
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:43:43
They feel like they should be getting what you have.
► 00:43:45
I thank God that every time one of them have stepped up, I had a baseball bat of jokes.
► 00:43:52
You know, my reaction was always right on time, laser sharp, and they was burnt out of the audience like a cigarette.
► 00:44:01
But, you know, he's been there to witness it.
► 00:44:03
And I've been there to witness you doing it.
► 00:44:05
I think you're one of the best I've ever seen do it.
► 00:44:08
You inspired me.
► 00:44:09
When I seen how deep you took it, I was like, well, I could go much harder than I've been going on.
► 00:44:15
Joe is telling this person, man.
► 00:44:17
Wow!
► 00:44:18
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:44:19
I see you evaporate people.
► 00:44:21
That told me that it's something that you definitely got to have as part of your game.
► 00:44:26
If you're going to be standing up on the stage talking to people, you have to have the ability to do that.
► 00:44:33
If it comes up, you got to shoot them down and keep it moving.
► 00:44:35
You can't be haggling with them because that's going to break the whole continuity of the show up.
► 00:44:40
The guys that can just hit them with the hammer and keep it moving are the best, man.
► 00:44:44
It's an unfortunate side effect of comedy, but we started out, Freeze and I were fucking comedy store veterans, man, and that was a place that nobody patrolled.
► 00:44:53
There was no manager shushing the room.
► 00:44:56
The comedy store was run by the guy on stage, and occasionally dudes got kicked out because the comic would go, just get these fucking people out of here.
► 00:45:04
God damn!
► 00:45:05
It would get to the point where you had to kick them out before the show couldn't go on.
► 00:45:10
But there was always something there.
► 00:45:12
That place was always drama.
► 00:45:14
I've had glasses thrown at me on stage there.
► 00:45:17
It was wild.
► 00:45:19
Remember when Holtzman got knocked out by Martin Lawrence's bodyguard?
► 00:45:23
We were just talking about that.
► 00:45:25
God damn.
► 00:45:26
That place was chaos.
► 00:45:28
I remember Eddie Griffin.
► 00:45:30
We were in the main room.
► 00:45:32
We had a show.
► 00:45:33
It was Martin Luther King's birthday.
► 00:45:35
And after the show, this was when a DJ came on.
► 00:45:41
This is the first time I heard the song "No Vaseline" by Ice.
► 00:45:45
You remember that?
► 00:45:46
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:45:46
And the DJ played it, and Dr. Dre and all of the dog pound.
► 00:45:49
And it was about Dr. Dre.
► 00:45:51
Yeah, they were all there.
► 00:45:52
And Dre went up on stage and snatched the record off the turntable and snapped it in half.
► 00:45:58
And that kicked off a riot.
► 00:46:01
Tretch was in there.
► 00:46:02
Tupac was in there.
► 00:46:03
Tretch had that big chain with the padlock on it.
► 00:46:06
He was swinging that over his head.
► 00:46:08
Oh my god.
► 00:46:09
All of this went on in the main room on Martin Luther King's birthday.
► 00:46:13
Wow.
► 00:46:14
I remember that.
► 00:46:16
Holy shit.
► 00:46:17
That place was fucking crazy, man.
► 00:46:20
His last wife, Flynn...
► 00:46:22
Richard Pryor's last one.
► 00:46:23
Oh, yeah, yeah.
► 00:46:25
I've seen the wettest woman out there.
► 00:46:27
At the Comedy Store?
► 00:46:28
Comedy Store.
► 00:46:28
I was in the parking lot.
► 00:46:29
Richard Pryor was performing that night, and she was standing by the back door, and this other chick came around and was getting ready to come up.
► 00:46:37
They knew each other, obviously.
► 00:46:39
She said to that other chick, didn't I tell you not to come to no more than Richard's show?
► 00:46:45
Every time she hit her, another piece of jewelry came off.
► 00:46:48
So when she got finished, all of this woman's rings and necklaces and everything and her wig was laying on the floor.
► 00:46:56
Wow.
► 00:46:57
And they was dragging her away, man.
► 00:46:59
And then Richard Pryor went on stage and did 20 minutes on what just happened.
► 00:47:05
Classics, man.
► 00:47:06
Took it straight to the stage.
► 00:47:07
He went right on the stage with it?
► 00:47:08
Took it straight to the stage.
► 00:47:09
Oh, man.
► 00:47:10
What year was this?
► 00:47:11
That had to be in the 80s, man.
► 00:47:13
You know, like, 89, 90, something like that.
► 00:47:15
Could you imagine if you fucking videotaped that?
► 00:47:18
It was a long time ago.
► 00:47:18
Wow.
► 00:47:19
Could you imagine if you had a videotape of that?
► 00:47:20
No one was expecting that.
► 00:47:21
That was, like, on the moment.
► 00:47:22
She said, didn't I tell you nothing to come to them one of the richest shows?
► 00:47:26
How beautiful would that video be?
► 00:47:28
To watch that, watch the ass kicking, to Pryor walking on stage, to Pryor talking about the ass kicking.
► 00:47:34
The pre-show, you don't want to miss it.
► 00:47:37
I performed with...
► 00:47:41
He did 20 minutes on just having outside.
► 00:47:43
I performed with Richard Pryor for a few weeks, right at the end, right when he stopped performing.
► 00:47:51
When he was in a wheelchair, remember they used to carry him on stage?
► 00:47:54
Yeah, in the OR room.
► 00:47:55
I had to go on after him for weeks, for weeks when he did that.
► 00:48:00
That was the only spot Mitzi always gave me, right after Richard Pryor.
► 00:48:04
Why are you going after Richard, Joe?
► 00:48:06
You would eat dick like no other time.
► 00:48:10
It was sad.
► 00:48:12
It was sad watching Richard.
► 00:48:14
It was cool because once Richard would open his mouth...
► 00:48:20
It was him.
► 00:48:20
I mean, you know, you could tell that he's...
► 00:48:23
And then it was a weird effect because you'd be like, oh, yo, he's still there.
► 00:48:28
He's still in there.
► 00:48:29
But then you would be like, wait a minute.
► 00:48:31
He's in there.
► 00:48:32
That's his body now.
► 00:48:34
And that's what he's kind of...
► 00:48:36
It seemed like...
► 00:48:37
He was more in prison after you heard him do stand-up.
► 00:48:41
Because it was a realization, like, this is a man who has his wits but does not have his motor skills and his functions, his bodily functions, too.
► 00:48:53
To match up with his wit.
► 00:48:55
Right, right, right.
► 00:48:56
And that was, that just was, even though he was funny, even though he was sharp, that just, it was sad.
► 00:49:02
Yeah, he would, it seemed to me like there was a, there was a disconnect, too, towards the end.
► 00:49:06
I don't think he was completely lucid.
► 00:49:08
So when he would go on stage and talk about things, like, they didn't always make sense, and, you know, it was, it was, it was, he was dying, you know, and Joe Rogan!
► 00:49:27
Joe Rogan!
► 00:49:27
Joe Rogan!
► 00:49:41
On Fox TV, please welcome Joe Rogan.
► 00:49:44
You go on stage and you have to do stand-up.
► 00:49:47
And it takes at least four or five minutes to get him out of the room.
► 00:49:51
Because they're walking with him out of the room.
► 00:49:53
Because he can't really walk.
► 00:49:55
So they have to carry him and walk with him really slowly.
► 00:49:58
And everybody's clapping and standing.
► 00:50:00
Like a war veteran just got off stage.
► 00:50:04
That's who did just get off stage.
Thinking the Wrong Way Can Kill
00:05:13
► 00:50:07
Yeah, yeah.
► 00:50:08
It's a good one, yeah.
► 00:50:08
Definitely, man.
► 00:50:09
Yeah.
► 00:50:10
I've seen that type of, you know, that working spirit in other artists, too, like Sammy Davis Jr. The last film he ever did was...
► 00:50:21
The kid who loves Christmas.
► 00:50:23
And I would happen to be in that movie, and that's when he was dying.
► 00:50:26
And I wouldn't have came to work, but he was there every day, you know?
► 00:50:31
Wow.
► 00:50:31
He died like a week or two after we finished shooting.
► 00:50:35
He was advanced cancer, but he just came to work anyway, man.
► 00:50:38
Well, that's how Patrick Swayze did it, too, right?
► 00:50:41
He's coming to work anyway.
► 00:50:41
Yeah, I guess why not?
► 00:50:42
Fuck it.
► 00:50:43
Just go out doing what you like doing.
► 00:50:45
You think that's what Steve Jobs is doing?
► 00:50:46
Do you think that's why he stepped down today?
► 00:50:48
Yeah.
► 00:50:49
Do you know that?
► 00:50:50
Steve Jobs stepped down from Apple today.
► 00:50:52
I hope it doesn't change.
► 00:50:54
Well, I don't know, man.
► 00:50:55
Dude has, like, he had pancreatic cancer, didn't he?
► 00:50:58
Or liver cancer?
► 00:50:59
Something crazy?
► 00:51:00
He had to get a liver transplant from fighting the cancer.
► 00:51:03
Wasn't that what it was?
► 00:51:04
Yeah, but you think...
► 00:51:04
The liver got fucked up from the chemo or something?
► 00:51:06
Yeah.
► 00:51:06
I think he would magic Johnson that shit quickly.
► 00:51:09
He would pay for it and it would be done.
► 00:51:11
What do you think he could do?
► 00:51:12
He just has all the money in the world.
► 00:51:17
That's just to show you that there really isn't any help for cancer.
► 00:51:22
You can fix AIDS, but cancer, you can't stop it, no matter how much money you have.
► 00:51:27
I think some people have a genetic inclination.
► 00:51:30
They can just get it.
► 00:51:30
They just have bad genetics.
► 00:51:32
They're most likely going to die of cancer young.
► 00:51:35
That's very possible.
► 00:51:36
But there's also a thing to be said for a guy who works as hard as Steve Jobs.
► 00:51:40
That shit is just not healthy.
► 00:51:42
You're hitting that red line all the time.
► 00:51:45
That's true.
► 00:51:46
Your fucking engine is constantly going, man.
► 00:51:49
I don't think that's healthy.
► 00:51:52
It can be.
► 00:51:54
It's not fun.
► 00:51:55
If it's not fun, it's not healthy.
► 00:51:56
It's that simple.
► 00:51:57
Dude, you're a billionaire, son.
► 00:51:59
And it's like, yo, you have done it, dude.
► 00:52:02
You can relax.
► 00:52:04
You really can.
► 00:52:04
Eat some cookies, watch some TV. Yeah, he's got to eat oatmeal cookies with maple sugar.
► 00:52:12
He's got some serious issues with his health.
► 00:52:15
He's pretty fucked up.
► 00:52:17
You know, I don't know how much of that's genetic.
► 00:52:19
I don't know about that argument, you know, how much it's genetic, how much of it's...
► 00:52:22
Well, I think a lot of it has to do with diet, man, you know?
► 00:52:26
Genetics, diet, all that, you know?
► 00:52:28
And stress in your environment.
► 00:52:30
A lot of executives, like Hollywood executives, a lot of those older guys, they start getting really sick.
► 00:52:36
And I think a lot of it is just the pressure, you know?
► 00:52:39
I knew this one guy, fucking, he used to work for my ex-girlfriend, or my ex-girlfriend used to work for him, rather.
► 00:52:45
Really nice guy.
► 00:52:46
Just 50 years old.
► 00:52:48
Had cancer, you know, out of nowhere.
► 00:52:51
And he was dead within weeks.
► 00:52:53
And it was just the weirdest thing ever.
► 00:52:55
He just seemed like this nice guy.
► 00:52:56
Like, hey, Bob, what's going on?
► 00:52:57
Nice to see you.
► 00:52:58
He's always laughing and joking around.
► 00:53:00
And then, boom!
► 00:53:02
Whatever it was, just hit him and hit him quick.
► 00:53:04
And all of a sudden, he's gone.
► 00:53:06
They killed my father and my wife.
► 00:53:09
But both of them, it was like, you know, they got sick.
► 00:53:14
They went to the doctor, they was diagnosed, they went into treatment, and they passed away.
► 00:53:19
It wasn't like, you know, it was a long battle, you know?
► 00:53:23
Yeah, man.
► 00:53:24
And with both of them, like...
► 00:53:27
My dad, he smoked.
► 00:53:28
But when he was young, he was an athlete.
► 00:53:32
My wife didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, worked out, drank water every day, didn't eat meat.
► 00:53:41
None of that.
► 00:53:42
But still, she passed away before she was 40. It was diagnosed six months after my daughter was born.
► 00:53:51
Because we don't have to keep going for follow-up check-ups, then boom, you got cancer.
► 00:53:56
Yeah, man.
► 00:53:56
So it's very deadly, and its origins are a mystery.
► 00:54:02
Because it could be what you eat, it could be it's in your family, or it could just be you or your personality.
► 00:54:10
You're a very tense person, and you create it within yourself, man.
► 00:54:15
It's deep.
► 00:54:16
Very scary disease, man.
► 00:54:18
Yeah, imbalance is a frightening thing when it comes to your health, you know, when it really could be terminal, like you could have terminal imbalance.
► 00:54:26
You could get your whole system so fucked up from thinking the wrong way, doing the wrong way, eating the wrong way, treating your body like shit, treating people like shit, and then next thing you know it.
► 00:54:38
Holding on to anger, all of that kind of stuff, holding grudges, all of that stuff, it has to manifest some way.
► 00:54:45
Resolving a grudge is one of the best feelings ever.
► 00:54:48
When you're cool with somebody, when you weren't cool with them, and then all of a sudden you're cool with them, it's a nice feeling.
► 00:54:54
As a human being, it's a good feeling.
► 00:54:59
Almost definitely.
► 00:55:00
Yeah, but keeping one and just thinking about this motherfucker, if I see this...
► 00:55:04
Just hold it on to shit like that.
► 00:55:05
Going over fake arguments in your head.
Resentment Is Poison
00:06:48
► 00:55:07
If he says this, I'm going to say that.
► 00:55:09
What if he does this?
► 00:55:10
I had to actually learn it.
► 00:55:11
For a long time in my life, I had to learn it.
► 00:55:15
Don't keep grudges.
► 00:55:17
Don't dwell on negative.
► 00:55:18
I had to learn it.
► 00:55:20
Yeah, and you want to be hard.
► 00:55:21
You want to tell them to fuck themselves for life, bitch.
► 00:55:24
I was reading on Twitter the other day and somebody quoted a quote from Mandela and he said, resentment is like drinking a bottle of poison to kill your enemy.
► 00:55:42
Whoa.
► 00:55:43
That's deep.
► 00:55:44
That is deep.
► 00:55:45
It is true, too.
► 00:55:47
Yeah.
► 00:55:47
It's almost like you've got to figure out a way to make people that you hate, people that annoy you, people that only become a source of positivity to you.
► 00:56:00
Right.
► 00:56:01
Figure out a way to, no matter how cunty somebody gets with you, never let it affect you.
► 00:56:06
Only take it as a source of inspiration.
► 00:56:09
You know what's made me better with that?
► 00:56:10
Twitter has made me better with that.
► 00:56:12
Because there's constantly assholes.
► 00:56:14
You can't see and you can't wrap your hands around it.
► 00:56:19
Does that drive you nuts when people talk shit to you?
► 00:56:22
Yeah, man.
► 00:56:23
I've gotten into it with a few people.
► 00:56:24
Then I realize you can fool yourself.
► 00:56:26
Going back and forth with this person, man.
► 00:56:28
They're probably playing right now.
► 00:56:29
Of course they are.
► 00:56:30
They got you lit up.
► 00:56:31
And the other thing, like you said, you explained to me, you said, yo, don't forget.
► 00:56:36
Look, somebody says some real smart alecky or some bullshit to you.
► 00:56:41
And then you look and they got like seven followers.
► 00:56:44
But you retweeted what they said and what you're going to do to them.
► 00:56:47
Now a hundred thousand people is reading it.
► 00:56:49
Now a hundred thousand people.
► 00:56:51
I'm reading it.
► 00:56:52
Now they want to know what's going on.
► 00:56:54
You know what I'm saying?
► 00:56:55
The best thing to do is just don't even respond.
► 00:56:58
Yeah, you can't...
► 00:56:59
Block.
► 00:56:59
Yeah, just block them.
► 00:57:00
That's what I do.
► 00:57:01
I go block crazy every day.
► 00:57:02
Yeah, I just block them.
► 00:57:04
People want to talk a lot of shit.
► 00:57:05
They want to be angry, man.
► 00:57:06
It's like, you could choose to focus...
► 00:57:08
What you choose to put on that Twitter is a direct reflection of you as a human being.
► 00:57:12
When you send out there, that's you, man.
► 00:57:15
And if you get cunty, I don't need you in there.
► 00:57:18
I don't need you in the mix.
► 00:57:20
Right.
► 00:57:20
Put that block on you.
► 00:57:21
You take care.
► 00:57:22
I think if you want to talk to me that way, we should meet somewhere.
► 00:57:29
Do you know how to get to the dock?
► 00:57:35
It's funny how many people out there looking to find somebody to hate.
► 00:57:38
That's a lot.
► 00:57:39
A lot of people, man.
► 00:57:40
A lot of people looking for you to stumble.
► 00:57:42
So they get point fingers and you go fuck yourself.
► 00:57:46
They want to do that.
► 00:57:47
They want to, you know, I don't know.
► 00:57:48
I guess it's people feel a lot of times that if you're failing...
► 00:57:53
Then that makes them doing good.
► 00:57:55
Better, yeah.
► 00:57:55
I'm doing good.
► 00:57:56
I'm not finished.
► 00:57:57
See, look, look, look.
► 00:57:58
Look, they're failing!
► 00:57:59
Yeah, yeah.
► 00:58:00
They're failing.
► 00:58:01
Yeah.
► 00:58:01
Yeah, that's the worst.
► 00:58:02
I'm happy to see them fail that piece of shit.
► 00:58:04
You're like, man, you don't even know that dude.
► 00:58:06
You don't even know this dude.
► 00:58:06
Never even met that dude.
► 00:58:08
I'm glad it's not the opposite.
► 00:58:09
I would hate to have everyone try to kiss you all the time, like write you nice little love letters every day.
► 00:58:14
I just want to tell you, your eyes look great today.
► 00:58:16
Who do you think would be the most annoying to be?
► 00:58:19
In that respect.
► 00:58:20
Either one of them, man.
► 00:58:22
He can tell you, I broke up with this girl once for asking me, am I okay?
► 00:58:26
Are you okay?
► 00:58:27
She just kept saying it.
► 00:58:28
Oh, really?
► 00:58:29
Are you okay?
► 00:58:32
Yeah, baby, I'm fine, I'm fine.
► 00:58:34
Why don't you go get something to eat?
► 00:58:35
She come back, are you okay?
► 00:58:38
Yeah, I'm okay.
► 00:58:40
20 minutes later, and then they even noticed it.
► 00:58:43
So I finally said to her, look, I'm a grown man.
► 00:58:46
Why do you keep asking me am I okay?
► 00:58:48
Say it how you said it.
► 00:58:49
Say it how you said it.
► 00:58:50
Look, bitch, I'm okay!
► 00:58:55
What did you say?
► 00:58:58
What really?
► 00:59:00
Look, bitch, I'm okay!
► 00:59:02
I'm a grown man.
► 00:59:03
If I wasn't okay, do you think I'd come to you?
► 00:59:06
Do you think I would come to you for assistance?
► 00:59:09
You could really help me with my problems!
► 00:59:11
Is that what you said to her?
► 00:59:12
Yep.
► 00:59:12
I said, never ask me if I'm okay again.
► 00:59:14
Do you understand?
► 00:59:15
Are you okay?
► 00:59:19
Maybe she just wanted to talk but wasn't a good sentence starter.
► 00:59:23
She had a problem, man.
► 00:59:26
She had a problem.
► 00:59:27
She had problems with...
► 00:59:29
It was weird.
► 00:59:31
She was really whipped, I guess that's the way to put it.
► 00:59:33
She was dick whipped?
► 00:59:34
To the point where it was irritating?
► 00:59:36
He just broke her down.
► 00:59:37
To the point she was asking her, we don't care.
► 00:59:40
You guys...
► 00:59:43
Damn.
► 00:59:44
What's wrong with this chick, man?
► 00:59:45
Wow.
► 00:59:46
You don't want that to be the effect, though.
► 00:59:48
You don't want somebody to, you know...
► 00:59:49
That's too much.
► 00:59:51
She was just too into you?
► 00:59:53
Yeah, man.
► 00:59:54
Somebody could be too into you.
► 00:59:55
You know what I mean?
► 00:59:56
It's irritating.
► 00:59:57
Come on, man.
► 00:59:57
Back up, man.
► 00:59:59
I don't know, man.
► 01:00:00
That sounds pretty good to me.
► 01:00:02
Nah.
► 01:00:03
Nah.
► 01:00:03
I just need a few of them.
► 01:00:05
You have to experience this.
► 01:00:06
Nah.
► 01:00:07
Nah.
► 01:00:07
I felt sorry for the dude.
► 01:00:09
You felt sorry because she liked me too much.
► 01:00:10
I come out the room, she's pacing in the hallway in front of my door or whatever.
► 01:00:14
What are you doing here?
► 01:00:15
At your beck and call.
► 01:00:16
I came to see if you're okay.
► 01:00:17
I came to see if you're okay.
► 01:00:19
Was she hot?
► 01:00:21
Was she hot?
► 01:00:21
She was nice looking, but that made her ugly, man.
► 01:00:24
All your okay stuff.
► 01:00:25
She did it to the point where it was like, look, I'm avoiding you at all costs.
► 01:00:28
And did you ever tell her, stop asking?
► 01:00:30
Yes, several times.
► 01:00:31
And she wouldn't stop?
► 01:00:32
She couldn't stop.
► 01:00:32
What was the issue?
► 01:00:34
She crazy?
► 01:00:34
She was...
► 01:00:36
A little bit.
► 01:00:37
She's a little...
► 01:00:38
She said, I'm obsessed with you.
► 01:00:40
I was like, well, that means that you should go talk to a psychiatrist.
► 01:00:43
If you're obsessed with anyone, you shouldn't be dealing with them no more.
► 01:00:47
That's not part of a healthy relationship.
► 01:00:50
Obsession.
► 01:00:51
What caused the obsession?
► 01:00:53
I don't know, man.
► 01:00:54
Some people...
► 01:00:55
Did you just fuck the shit out of her?
► 01:00:57
Probably did.
► 01:00:58
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:00:58
You must have.
► 01:00:59
You must have just fucked the shit out of this girl.
► 01:01:03
You broke her, dude.
► 01:01:04
You broke her to the point where she was waiting outside your door like a dog.
► 01:01:09
Are you okay?
► 01:01:10
Am I okay?
► 01:01:12
She's like a bloodhound for you.
► 01:01:15
You okay?
► 01:01:18
How many times did you have to fuck her before you broke her?
► 01:01:23
Once.
► 01:01:23
Are you okay?
► 01:01:24
Started from the first session.
► 01:01:28
Are you okay?
► 01:01:29
I was like, am I okay?
► 01:01:31
Are you okay?
► 01:01:32
Charlie Murphy.
Mike Tyson's Lion Rustling Around
00:13:01
► 01:01:39
Are you okay?
► 01:01:40
Breaking girls' wills.
► 01:01:42
I must crush you.
► 01:01:44
Charlie did a Murphy.
► 01:01:46
I'm going to tell you something.
► 01:01:46
I'm tired of being single, man.
► 01:01:48
Charlie did a Murphy?
► 01:01:50
Charlie did a movie that I thought was the same name as The Coconut Water, isn't it?
► 01:01:55
Oh yeah, it's Cookout 2. CO2. Alright.
► 01:01:58
Cookout 2, yeah.
► 01:01:59
Yeah, with Mike Tyson, right?
► 01:02:00
Mike Tyson's in the scene of the movie, yeah, yeah.
► 01:02:03
I'm in it too.
► 01:02:04
He's in it.
► 01:02:04
Freeze is in it.
► 01:02:05
When's that coming out?
► 01:02:06
Is that you guys from that last year?
► 01:02:08
Two years ago.
► 01:02:10
Two years ago?
► 01:02:10
Two years ago in Miami, yeah.
► 01:02:12
But I don't know when it's coming out, because that dude, Jimmy Henchman, is, you know...
► 01:02:16
I told the shot camera, I told him when he was coming out in Miami, he said he was going to do a screening.
► 01:02:20
Oh, okay.
► 01:02:21
One of the producers got, you know, put away, so I don't know what's...
► 01:02:25
The wonderful other movies.
► 01:02:26
You know what I mean?
► 01:02:27
It's a funky world, man.
► 01:02:29
Movies are funny.
► 01:02:31
My best thrill was the fact that I had to...
► 01:02:34
A chance to work with Mike.
► 01:02:35
I knew Mike Tyson before he was the champ.
► 01:02:38
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:02:38
So I seen the whole journey from the guy who was a regular dude that was scared and all these people were around him and telling him, you could do this, and he did it, and he became this bigger-than-life person all the way to the end to now the person that he is now.
► 01:02:57
Because if you see Mike now, Mike got his shit together.
► 01:02:59
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:03:00
He's not...
► 01:03:01
Nobody can say, oh yeah, he's out of control.
► 01:03:02
He's not out of control.
► 01:03:03
He's a married dude.
► 01:03:04
He's calm.
► 01:03:05
He's polite to people.
► 01:03:06
He doesn't get in trouble no more.
► 01:03:08
Laughing.
► 01:03:09
Laughing.
► 01:03:10
It's funny.
► 01:03:11
It's a dude, man.
► 01:03:11
It's interesting.
► 01:03:12
Yeah.
► 01:03:12
He got his shit together now, man.
► 01:03:14
So I feel good about that.
► 01:03:15
I got to work with him in that movie.
► 01:03:17
That was a good feeling, man, because I hadn't seen him in years.
► 01:03:20
I seen him, and when I did see him, he was back.
► 01:03:24
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:03:24
You've seen that documentary?
► 01:03:26
Yeah, I've seen the documentary.
► 01:03:27
How fucking powerful was that?
► 01:03:29
With the birds.
► 01:03:30
If you've never seen that Tyson documentary, is it just called Tyson?
► 01:03:32
What is it called?
► 01:03:33
I think extremely powerful.
► 01:03:34
You see a man cry.
► 01:03:35
It is fucking incredible.
► 01:03:37
Cry when he reflects on parts of his life.
► 01:03:39
A strong man like that, you have to realize that whatever was on him was no joke.
► 01:03:44
Yeah, it's incredible.
► 01:03:45
That's a man who one time I went to his house, And it was six limos and nobody would get out the limo.
► 01:03:52
I said, how come nobody's getting out the car?
► 01:03:54
They said, you don't see that line standing over there?
► 01:03:58
Mike Tyson had a line in his front yard.
► 01:04:01
Like hangover style.
► 01:04:02
That's the only man whose house I ever went over.
► 01:04:04
There was a line in the front yard, loose.
► 01:04:07
Wow.
► 01:04:08
He was on the steps like this with a heavyweight belt.
► 01:04:12
What?
► 01:04:12
What?
► 01:04:14
How come nobody wants to get out the car and play with my cat?
► 01:04:17
He's like, no, man, no, that's not a cat.
► 01:04:20
That's a lion.
► 01:04:21
That's fucking real?
► 01:04:22
Mike Tyson had a lion.
► 01:04:24
A male lion or a female lion?
► 01:04:26
That's awesome.
► 01:04:26
With a mane, a lion in his front yard.
► 01:04:29
Loose.
► 01:04:29
Oh, shit.
► 01:04:29
Shit.
► 01:04:30
It was off the leash, man.
► 01:04:32
It was not in a cage.
► 01:04:33
It was in the yard.
► 01:04:35
Oh, my God.
► 01:04:36
Then he came out and started wrestling with him.
► 01:04:38
Oh, my God.
► 01:04:40
Damn, he wrestled?
► 01:04:41
How big was the lion?
► 01:04:42
It was big, man.
► 01:04:43
It was a lion, man.
► 01:04:44
He was wrestling with a lion.
► 01:04:46
Came over there and grabbed him and started tussling with him and all that.
► 01:04:48
Jesus Christ.
► 01:04:49
And everybody was in the limousine, so the lion could come up to a limousine and bust the window open and come in there.
► 01:04:54
I'm sorry.
► 01:04:55
Easy.
► 01:04:55
He could just go like this, boof, and come right in there and just have lunch.
► 01:04:58
So everybody was in the car.
► 01:05:00
You couldn't back out because it was all like five limos.
► 01:05:02
So everybody's in the car horrified, thinking that Mike is getting ready to be eaten by this lion, but that doesn't happen.
► 01:05:08
He plays with him and he takes him in the back.
► 01:05:11
Comes back out and I was like, you know what?
► 01:05:14
I'm never going to be around another man in life that's going to do that behind me.
► 01:05:20
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:05:22
Because to me, Mike Tyson is not a lion team.
► 01:05:24
You ever hear about Mike working in Vegas?
► 01:05:26
No, he's just a team of lions.
► 01:05:27
He had one in his front yard, man.
► 01:05:30
And he had other cats there, too.
► 01:05:33
Bieber would never have a lion, and he'd be like to chills all the way or something.
► 01:05:37
How come you guys left waiting for my cats?
► 01:05:40
Because we've seen Wild Kingdom, Mike.
► 01:05:42
We've seen them eat wildebeest.
► 01:05:44
The Mike Tyson story is such a classic fucking story, too.
► 01:05:47
Yeah, man.
► 01:05:48
It goes from being poor to being intensely rich.
► 01:05:51
Intensely rich.
► 01:05:52
And the focus of attention of literally every person on the planet.
► 01:05:56
When he was at his peak, man, in the late 80s, God.
► 01:06:00
When he beat Michael Spinks...
► 01:06:02
Crazy.
► 01:06:02
Jesus Christ.
► 01:06:04
I don't even think people today...
► 01:06:05
When he had the billboard of Sunset, Iron Mike, and his face was made of iron...
► 01:06:09
I don't remember that.
► 01:06:11
It was the strongest billboard on Sensei.
► 01:06:13
Really?
► 01:06:14
It's an iron Mike.
► 01:06:15
His face was made of iron.
► 01:06:17
It was just Mike's face.
► 01:06:19
Awesome, awesome billboard.
► 01:06:21
The years, like the Bruce Seldon years, where Bruce Seldon, he missed him with a left hook and Seldon's knees buckled.
► 01:06:29
He got up and just said, what am I doing getting up?
► 01:06:31
He knew better.
► 01:06:33
He was a destroyer.
► 01:06:35
There's no fighter out there right now, I think, that has captured the attention since him.
► 01:06:42
Not like him.
► 01:06:42
Not like him since him.
► 01:06:44
People don't understand.
► 01:06:44
He was Michael Jackson.
► 01:06:45
I'm going to tell you who would be captured if he was American.
► 01:06:48
Pacquiao.
► 01:06:48
Yeah, if you look at the sheer numbers between how he was and Tyson was, he's probably right up there with Tyson right now, huh?
► 01:07:00
Close.
► 01:07:02
Definitely close.
► 01:07:04
Especially in...
► 01:07:06
Asia.
► 01:07:07
I mean...
► 01:07:07
He's the real Bruce Lee right now, man.
► 01:07:10
In LA. You go to Wild Card Boxing, where he trains, people sit out there and wait for him.
► 01:07:15
They wait to find out what time Manny's going to be there.
► 01:07:17
There's a whole crowd of people there.
► 01:07:19
I did this thing with Daniel Tosh for Tosh's TV show where Tosh gets punched in the head by Manny Pacquiao.
► 01:07:25
What?
► 01:07:25
He let Pacquiao punch him.
► 01:07:27
Pacquiao's very nice.
► 01:07:29
He's very nice.
► 01:07:30
He's just like barely tapping him.
► 01:07:32
We had to do it a little harder to make it realistic so he could put a little pop into it.
► 01:07:36
But it was nothing.
► 01:07:37
It was very nice.
► 01:07:38
But every business in that whole complex has Manny's pictures up and Manny's signed things and he's got boxing gloves on and pictures of him eating in this restaurant that's right there.
► 01:07:48
That's cool.
► 01:07:48
Yeah, it's like there's a huge He's like a superstar.
► 01:07:54
He's at the peak.
► 01:07:55
He deserves it, man.
► 01:07:55
Oh, yeah.
► 01:07:56
And he's such a nice guy.
► 01:07:57
Who do you think is going to win between Ortiz and Mayweather?
► 01:08:00
That's a good question.
► 01:08:00
I was going to bring that up when we were talking about Tyson because I was watching this thing on Victor Ortiz and he was talking about his childhood.
► 01:08:06
I was watching it right before he came over.
► 01:08:06
Oh, he had it rough, man.
► 01:08:07
He had it rough, baby.
► 01:08:08
His mother, when he was 12 years old, or when he was 7 years old, or 6 or 7, his mother just left.
► 01:08:13
Just took off.
► 01:08:14
Never came back.
► 01:08:15
So he was only raised by his dad, and his dad just beat the shit out of them, hit them with sticks, hit them with anything, and then when they were 12, his dad left.
► 01:08:23
So it's him and his fucking brother like wild dogs at 12 years old taking care of themselves.
► 01:08:28
Right.
► 01:08:29
Scary shit, man.
► 01:08:30
Like, they had nothing.
► 01:08:32
They had nothing.
► 01:08:33
Real fighters.
► 01:08:34
Yeah.
► 01:08:34
Yeah.
► 01:08:35
And, you know, to come from that, man, there's a certain amount of resolve that that kid's going to have that the average person is not going to have.
► 01:08:41
But is that going to be enough to deal with Floyd motherfucking Mayweather, dude?
► 01:08:44
Yeah, man.
► 01:08:45
Floyd Mayweather is an artist.
► 01:08:48
Love him or hate him for his personality and the way he attracts fans and the way he gets flamboyant and crazy.
► 01:08:55
Skillfully, forget all that.
► 01:08:57
Skillfully, he's a fucking master boxer.
► 01:09:00
He's a master.
► 01:09:01
He's very rarely in any trouble.
► 01:09:02
He gets hit, he can take a shot.
► 01:09:04
Shane Mosley banged him.
► 01:09:05
Shane Mosley would stop anybody else in the division with that shot.
► 01:09:08
It would stop.
► 01:09:09
They wouldn't have been able to recover the way Mayweather did everything perfect.
► 01:09:13
He tied him up, he recovered, and then he took his time before he jumped back on him, and it was beautiful, man.
► 01:09:19
He's very, very technical.
► 01:09:22
He's technically perfect.
► 01:09:24
He makes these little short movements and throws guys off, little quarter turns and shots from different angles that you expect, and he gets through.
► 01:09:32
He finds out where you're going to step, and then he's waiting for you before you do it.
► 01:09:36
He sorts you out, man.
► 01:09:38
He's a real...
► 01:09:39
He's a real technical boxer.
► 01:09:40
That's why I think what's going to happen with him and Ortiz is going the distance.
► 01:09:46
It's going to be bloody.
► 01:09:47
You think so?
► 01:09:48
Ortiz is not letting him beat him.
► 01:09:50
He's coming to fight, man.
► 01:09:52
He's going to have to get beat.
► 01:09:53
Yeah.
► 01:09:55
It's going to be a good fight for Mayweather.
► 01:09:56
I think Mayweather's going to win, but he's going to have to beat Mayweather to beat him.
► 01:10:00
He ain't going to be able to come in and have the night off.
► 01:10:02
Right.
► 01:10:03
That dude is the real deal.
► 01:10:04
I get props.
► 01:10:05
He beat my friend Andre.
► 01:10:06
That's a good friend of mine, Andre Berto.
► 01:10:09
That was a great fight.
► 01:10:10
That was a great fight.
► 01:10:11
But it showed me that this dude is no joke.
► 01:10:15
No joke.
► 01:10:15
Andre Berto, that shot he dropped him with, anybody else don't get up.
► 01:10:19
Yeah.
► 01:10:20
That guy got back up and then put him down.
► 01:10:23
Yeah.
► 01:10:23
Off of that.
► 01:10:24
So when I put you down, I wasn't even at 100%.
► 01:10:27
I'm drunk when I do that.
► 01:10:29
Right.
► 01:10:29
And not too many fighters can pull that trigger.
► 01:10:32
Be on the ground like that and get up and put the other guy down?
► 01:10:35
How often do you see that happen?
► 01:10:37
He's definitely a blood and guts type fighter.
► 01:10:40
He throws himself into danger.
► 01:10:42
So that's going to be a good fight for Mayweather.
► 01:10:43
He had that one fight where he quit.
► 01:10:45
And ever since that one fight, he's felt terrible about that.
► 01:10:49
He was losing his fight and he got dropped and he just called the referee off and quit.
► 01:10:54
And people really heavily criticize his heart.
► 01:10:57
But what it was was he wasn't 100% focused on either his training or fighting itself or the consequences of losing or whatever the fuck it was.
► 01:11:07
He came into a fight out of shape.
► 01:11:09
And that's some shit that happens.
► 01:11:11
That's some shit that young guys will do, man.
► 01:11:13
They'll fuck up and they'll have a bad camp or they needed to learn something or they needed to be pushed and broken to rebuild and come back again.
► 01:11:21
So ever since that fight, he's been a fucking monster.
► 01:11:24
That Berto fight was insane.
► 01:11:26
Because I thought Berto was, like, the next challenger to Mayweather.
► 01:11:29
I said, like, this guy's so technical.
► 01:11:31
But Berto is as well.
► 01:11:32
But Berto got a fight coming up September 3rd.
► 01:11:35
He got a fight coming up September 3rd.
► 01:11:36
He's a real accurate puncher, too.
► 01:11:38
That guy's a sniper.
► 01:11:39
Yeah, he's nice.
► 01:11:40
Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.
► 01:11:41
I thought he was going to be the next guy.
► 01:11:42
When Ortiz beat him, I was blown away.
► 01:11:45
That kid's tough.
► 01:11:46
And he got a lot better.
► 01:11:47
He got a lot better from that one fight.
► 01:11:49
You can tell the one fight where he quit, from then on, his dedication has obviously been way more focused.
► 01:11:55
Way more, yeah.
► 01:11:56
And now with the way he beat Berto, what that does for your confidence is...
► 01:12:02
Yeah.
► 01:12:03
It's going to be much more than if he just came in and stopped him early.
► 01:12:07
It's that he had a grueling contest with this man and came out on top.
► 01:12:12
So that really does a lot for him.
► 01:12:15
Do you think that there's any way that Mayweather is going to be rusty?
► 01:12:18
Because he keeps taking these year and a half breaks, two year breaks, in between fights.
► 01:12:23
Well, I think the reason why he's doing that is because of his hands.
► 01:12:26
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:12:27
He lets his hands get a good time between fights to heal up.
► 01:12:31
He's older.
► 01:12:32
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:12:32
They break really easy, right?
► 01:12:34
He's broken them a few times.
► 01:12:34
A lot of problems with his hands.
► 01:12:36
So he's preserving his hands, yeah.
► 01:12:38
But he still trains like a dog.
► 01:12:40
Around the clock he's training.
► 01:12:43
Whether he's got a fight coming up or not, it's his lifestyle.
► 01:12:46
So I don't think he's rusty at all.
► 01:12:48
So you think he just constantly stays home?
► 01:12:50
He constantly brings him in.
► 01:12:51
He whips guys' asses every week, man.
► 01:12:54
Whether he's got a fight coming up or not.
► 01:12:56
Really?
► 01:12:57
Yeah.
► 01:12:57
The guys come into the gym.
► 01:13:00
Light him up.
► 01:13:01
He works out.
► 01:13:02
He's always in shape.
► 01:13:03
He doesn't get in shape during camp.
► 01:13:06
He's already in shape when he gets there.
► 01:13:08
They showed his training camp.
► 01:13:11
They showed him hitting the pads.
► 01:13:12
Yeah.
► 01:13:13
It's ridiculous, man.
► 01:13:15
Nobody hits the pads like he does, too.
► 01:13:17
And a lot of it is just...
► 01:13:18
Just combinations.
► 01:13:23
And you just watch the fucking combinations.
► 01:13:26
Arms don't get tight.
► 01:13:27
It's just relaxed and everything's flowing.
► 01:13:30
I'm just showing up at the jump rope.
► 01:13:32
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
► 01:13:33
The jump rope routine is insane.
► 01:13:36
Well, he's a master.
► 01:13:37
He does it from a standing position?
► 01:13:41
Yeah.
► 01:13:41
He doesn't take much punishment, man.
► 01:13:43
He's a guy who's been a boxer for a long time, and he looks perfect.
► 01:13:47
There's nothing wrong with him.
► 01:13:48
He's got no scars.
► 01:13:49
He's not busted up.
► 01:13:50
What is that, Mike Tyson with his lion?
► 01:13:51
Mike Tyson with his lion just rustling around with it and stuff like that.
► 01:13:55
In the video?
► 01:13:55
Oh, that's the...
► 01:13:56
You know I didn't make that up.
► 01:13:57
19-year-old, 20-year-old Mike Tyson right there.
► 01:14:00
Let's look at this right here.
► 01:14:01
That's the Mike Tyson.
► 01:14:02
Oh my god!
► 01:14:04
He's got a fucking tiger.
► 01:14:07
He has a lion tooth bigger than that, but he had one in it.
► 01:14:10
Oh my god.
► 01:14:12
How could that end well?
► 01:14:16
It doesn't end well.
► 01:14:17
If you keep them long enough, it doesn't end well.
► 01:14:19
They always kill you, right?
► 01:14:20
Eventually, yeah.
► 01:14:21
Come on, man.
► 01:14:22
They might not even do it on purpose, Joe.
► 01:14:25
They kill you by accident.
Bear Attacks and Misunderstandings
00:15:30
► 01:14:26
Yeah, well, isn't that what happened with Siegfried and Roy?
► 01:14:29
Yeah, they could play with you and kill you.
► 01:14:31
Siegfried and Roy, that guy got killed by accident.
► 01:14:33
With one slap.
► 01:14:33
Like, one little playful slap took off the side of his face.
► 01:14:37
Well, he didn't actually die, right?
► 01:14:38
He just got really badly, badly wounded.
► 01:14:41
And what happened was they think that the tiger got confused because a woman had feathers in her hair, like some crazy peacock feathers, and they think the tiger might have freaked out and thought that was an animal, so grabbed him to rescue him, to pull him away from that.
► 01:14:55
He got Joan Rivered.
► 01:14:57
The tiger looked at that feather thing and thought it was one of those fucking beasts from Avatar or something.
► 01:15:02
Yeah!
► 01:15:03
He's just gonna pop out of the audience.
► 01:15:05
Who in the hell is that?
► 01:15:06
A man-eating toucan.
► 01:15:08
Grabbed him by his neck and just dragged him off.
► 01:15:11
Jesus Christ.
► 01:15:13
Wow.
► 01:15:14
What does that feel like when you hear your bones or your neck snapping and crackling inside the maw of this fucking enormous beast?
► 01:15:21
At that point your brain is saying, this was a tiger and you were in here with it.
► 01:15:27
Right.
► 01:15:28
That's when reality is crashing.
► 01:15:31
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 01:15:33
Like, what the fuck was I thinking?
► 01:15:35
Right, right.
► 01:15:35
It's a tiger.
► 01:15:37
It's hard for us to really wrap our heads around the fact that shit like that really exists.
► 01:15:41
The tigers and bears and...
► 01:15:43
Right.
► 01:15:44
Did you hear about that lady in Russia that got eaten by a bear while she was calling her mother on the phone?
► 01:15:48
What?
► 01:15:49
The fucking...
► 01:15:50
Bears don't kill you, man.
► 01:15:51
They just start eating you.
► 01:15:52
That's one of the things about bear attacks.
► 01:15:54
They broke into a house and started eating?
► 01:15:55
No, they were hiking.
► 01:15:56
Her and her stepfather were hiking.
► 01:15:58
And they killed her stepfather first.
► 01:16:00
And she got to her cell phone.
► 01:16:01
And she's calling the cell phone.
► 01:16:03
She's calling her mother while this fucking bear is eating her leg.
► 01:16:07
The bear is eating her leg.
► 01:16:08
And she's screaming and screaming.
► 01:16:11
And the phone call, she called her like three times over a period of an hour while this bear was eating her alive.
► 01:16:18
Where was this?
► 01:16:19
You can get this on the internet?
► 01:16:20
It was in Russia.
► 01:16:21
Can you hear the audio online?
► 01:16:23
Brian.
► 01:16:23
I missed the first part.
► 01:16:25
No, there was a woman.
► 01:16:26
There was a woman who got eaten.
► 01:16:28
She kept calling her mother while she was being eaten.
► 01:16:32
I thought it was an audio clip.
► 01:16:33
No, no.
► 01:16:33
There's no audio clip.
► 01:16:34
That would be the worst audio clip ever.
► 01:16:36
They found the body.
► 01:16:37
They found the dude dead.
► 01:16:39
The bear was eating the guy when they got there.
► 01:16:41
The girl had died from her injuries.
► 01:16:44
Was it a Russian black bear?
► 01:16:46
He's a Russian grizzly bear.
► 01:16:47
Russian grizzly bear.
► 01:16:48
I believe he's a grizzly bear.
► 01:16:50
I think that's what the article I wrote said.
► 01:16:53
But, you know, any kind of bear will kill you.
► 01:16:55
I don't see how these people be going up in these areas where that's possible and nobody has a gun with you.
► 01:16:59
You know what I mean?
► 01:17:00
Well, even if you have a gun, you better have a really big one.
► 01:17:03
You got to bet a really big one if you see a grizzly bear.
► 01:17:05
A regular gun might not be good enough.
► 01:17:07
What about his mouth?
► 01:17:08
Might not be good enough.
► 01:17:09
So even if you bang me, I'm going to blow your teeth out.
► 01:17:11
Yeah, maybe.
► 01:17:12
You see you bang me after I put a full fifth in your mouth.
► 01:17:15
What about a koala?
► 01:17:15
Blow up the roof of your mouth.
► 01:17:17
Koala bears are vicious if you're a female koala bear.
► 01:17:19
I'll beat the crap out of a koala bear.
► 01:17:21
You will?
► 01:17:21
You'll fuck up a koala bear?
► 01:17:23
What is this, a fat cat?
► 01:17:27
They got sharp claws.
► 01:17:28
Here's the move.
► 01:17:29
A koala bear is on the move.
► 01:17:30
He's headed towards you.
► 01:17:31
What's your first step?
► 01:17:32
Kicking him.
► 01:17:33
Drop kicking him.
► 01:17:34
Oh, yeah.
► 01:17:35
You should probably punt him.
► 01:17:36
Yeah, he's short.
► 01:17:37
Yeah, punt him.
► 01:17:38
Yeah, you'd have to kick him.
► 01:17:39
Right into a eucalyptus.
► 01:17:42
And you got to hope that he doesn't somehow or another time you lifting the foot up and just run right up your pants and bite your dick.
► 01:17:48
Yeah.
► 01:17:49
As you go to swing, you're just a little off timing and scurries up your leg and right onto your dick.
► 01:17:57
Because they only eat eucalyptus.
► 01:17:59
That's it?
► 01:18:00
That's all they eat, yeah.
► 01:18:01
I believe koala bears rape the fuck out of female koala bears.
► 01:18:06
So they have to be strong and they have to have a good bite if they can pull that off.
► 01:18:09
I might have made that up.
► 01:18:10
Aim for the balls.
► 01:18:12
I think you're thinking of Tasmanian devils.
► 01:18:15
They're rapists, yeah.
► 01:18:16
They're not real.
► 01:18:17
Tasmanian devils was a...
► 01:18:18
That's a real animal.
► 01:18:19
No, it's a real animal.
► 01:18:20
It did exist.
► 01:18:20
It's a real animal.
► 01:18:21
Yeah, it does exist.
► 01:18:22
Oh, no, I'm thinking the Tasmanian tiger.
► 01:18:24
Tasmanian tiger did exist.
► 01:18:25
It was in Australia, but they went extinct.
► 01:18:28
But the Tasmanian devil is a real animal.
► 01:18:30
What is it?
► 01:18:30
It looks like a little rat family type thing.
► 01:18:33
Yeah.
► 01:18:34
They rape the female.
► 01:18:36
That's how they breed.
► 01:18:37
Half their body, but half of their body...
► 01:18:38
Straight up, rape, man.
► 01:18:40
Half of their body is, I think, like a little bit over half of their body is jaw muscle.
► 01:18:47
God damn!
► 01:18:49
They're just basically a mouth walking around, and they fight from birth till death.
► 01:18:55
They fight when they make love, they fight when they're born, they fight, they constantly fight.
► 01:19:00
How big are they?
► 01:19:01
They're big.
► 01:19:02
Now, that's something that would, like, get a hold of your foot when you try to kick it.
► 01:19:06
Yeah.
► 01:19:07
Yeah.
► 01:19:07
You wouldn't want to kick that.
► 01:19:08
Whoa!
► 01:19:09
They're ugly, man.
► 01:19:10
Oh, my God.
► 01:19:11
Look at the images of this motherfucker.
► 01:19:13
And they yelled constantly.
► 01:19:14
Holy shit.
► 01:19:16
That's like a crazy cartoon pedo bear face.
► 01:19:19
Yeah, it's like vampire bears.
► 01:19:21
Look at this thing.
► 01:19:21
Look at this thing.
► 01:19:22
It's like rat bears.
► 01:19:23
Right, man.
► 01:19:24
Look at that thing.
► 01:19:25
Wow.
► 01:19:26
They will fuck you up, too.
► 01:19:28
Very ugly.
► 01:19:28
No jokes.
► 01:19:29
Well, if you look like that, you should be angry.
► 01:19:32
That's one ugly animal.
► 01:19:34
Yeah, those little, there's like a few of these little type of crazy animals that scare the shit out of me, you know, of different species like wolverines and like honey badgers and shit like that.
► 01:19:46
They scare the fuck out of me, man, because they're only, they might only be like 15, 20 pounds, but they'll kill you.
► 01:19:51
They got a low sight of gravity, man.
► 01:19:53
They're like stingrays of the forest.
► 01:19:55
Dude, they'll...
► 01:19:56
Don't kill you.
► 01:19:57
A honey badger would kill a person.
► 01:19:59
A honey badger?
► 01:20:00
You just need some time, yeah.
► 01:20:01
I've never even seen any.
► 01:20:03
You've never heard of a honey badger?
► 01:20:04
You talk about them in one sentence, but then you watch these...
► 01:20:10
These shows about dogs, different breeds of dogs.
► 01:20:13
There's a badger, the honey badger you're talking about.
► 01:20:17
There's a terrier who specializes in him.
► 01:20:20
And killing the honey badger?
► 01:20:21
They come with like 30 of these dogs.
► 01:20:23
He may kill like the first five.
► 01:20:25
Jesus Christ!
► 01:20:26
When they come, they go into his den.
► 01:20:28
They go in there and bring him out.
► 01:20:30
Oh my God!
► 01:20:31
A Paterdale Terrier.
► 01:20:34
They go into his den and bring him out.
► 01:20:37
Paterdale Terrier is a no joke.
► 01:20:38
He may kill the first four or five that come in there, but the other ones are not affected by the death of their comrades.
► 01:20:46
He's like a real live Bruce Lee.
► 01:20:50
Yeah.
► 01:20:50
That honey badger.
► 01:20:51
All these dogs are coming in.
► 01:20:52
He's just fucking them up, left and right.
► 01:20:54
Taking them out.
► 01:20:56
They drag him out.
► 01:20:57
They label the honey badger.
► 01:20:59
This is the most fearless animal on earth.
► 01:21:02
That's what they say about the honey badgers.
► 01:21:04
Yeah, they don't give a fuck.
► 01:21:07
There's videos online that say honey badgers doesn't give a fuck.
► 01:21:11
And it's like all these videos of honey badgers eating cobras, chasing anything that's in front of them.
► 01:21:16
They kill poison snakes all day.
► 01:21:18
They're just too fast.
► 01:21:19
They just sneak up behind a snake, bite them in the head, and sometimes they get bit, they get hit by the venom, and you know what happens?
► 01:21:25
They fall asleep, and they wake up an hour later, and then they eat the snake.
► 01:21:28
Wait, don't you He's gonna kill me?
► 01:21:29
He blacked out from venom and his little crazy murderous body processed the venom and he got up like he was drunk and just started eating that snake again.
► 01:21:38
Snake bit him with its poison and the poison didn't do shit but make him take a fucking nap.
► 01:21:42
Wow.
► 01:21:43
Honey badgers must be from Brooklyn, right?
► 01:21:45
I can just imagine if they could talk they'd have a Brooklyn accent.
► 01:21:48
Honey Badgers don't even speak, bro.
► 01:21:50
There's no need for language in their thinking.
► 01:21:52
They're thinking.
► 01:21:53
There's no variables in their thinking.
► 01:21:55
You don't need language.
► 01:21:56
I guess you don't.
► 01:21:57
It's just, fuck, kill, sleep.
► 01:21:59
That's what the Honey Badger...
► 01:22:00
Fuck, wake up, do it again.
► 01:22:02
You just realize how weak we are, man.
► 01:22:04
We're so fleshy and...
► 01:22:06
Tissue, like...
► 01:22:07
Just nothing.
► 01:22:08
Did you see Planet of the Apes?
► 01:22:09
Yeah, I see Planet of the Apes, man.
► 01:22:11
Did you like it?
► 01:22:13
You laughed.
► 01:22:14
You laughed?
► 01:22:14
It was funny.
► 01:22:15
It was...
► 01:22:16
It was...
► 01:22:17
I went to see Planet of the Apes because I was like, I know there's going to be some material.
► 01:22:21
I love the gas can scene.
► 01:22:25
When he came up.
► 01:22:26
Oh, when he let the girl out.
► 01:22:29
When it was like some real prison stuff.
► 01:22:31
Yeah.
► 01:22:31
Was it me or was it Monkey doing a Levi's jeans commercial at the end of the movie?
► 01:22:37
The very last scene.
► 01:22:39
When he was standing on the branch overlooking San Francisco with that pose he had.
► 01:22:42
I was like, that's not a chimp pose, man.
► 01:22:45
That's a man's pose.
► 01:22:46
It's like he's selling some jeans or...
► 01:22:49
Shirts, Dockers or something.
► 01:22:51
The way he was standing there, he had his hand up.
► 01:22:53
He was really sexy.
► 01:22:55
Yeah, sexy.
► 01:22:55
He was a sexy monkey.
► 01:22:56
Looking at the Golden Gate Bridge and all that.
► 01:22:59
I was like, look at this shit, man.
► 01:23:00
It tripped me out.
► 01:23:01
It was weird when it was like, am I a pet?
► 01:23:04
Sexy monkey.
► 01:23:05
Yeah, am I a pet?
► 01:23:07
Yes, you're a monkey, motherfucker.
► 01:23:09
But he wasn't.
► 01:23:10
That was the whole thing.
► 01:23:11
But he was.
► 01:23:12
But he wasn't.
► 01:23:13
But he was a supercharged super monkey, man.
► 01:23:15
He was the monkey smartest people.
► 01:23:16
Yeah.
► 01:23:17
He was the alien monkey.
► 01:23:18
Yeah, he was.
► 01:23:19
I just, I'm down for any movie where champs fuck people up.
► 01:23:22
I love watching chimps.
► 01:23:24
I love the way they move, man.
► 01:23:25
It's fucking shocking.
► 01:23:27
You ever watch any of those things where they would teach chimps how to sign their own names?
► 01:23:32
And they could teach them how to spell things, and when they would spell it correctly, they would get candy.
► 01:23:37
So they'd learn how to spell certain things and point certain things out.
► 01:23:40
And this one chimp, they would let him into the cage.
► 01:23:42
And the first thing they have to do is establish dominance.
► 01:23:45
So as soon as you open this thing up, he's a big, fucking, fully grown, like, eight-year-old male.
► 01:23:50
So he comes in and just starts...
► 01:23:52
Fucking throwing himself through the air.
► 01:23:54
He's like a buck sixty, a buck seventy.
► 01:23:57
Just hurls himself through the air.
► 01:23:59
Catches the cage.
► 01:24:01
Rattling the cage back and forth.
► 01:24:03
Hurls himself through the air.
► 01:24:04
Catching bars.
► 01:24:05
And you just look at the strength that he displays.
► 01:24:09
You watch it happen.
► 01:24:10
You watch him throw his body around and just realize what he could do to you.
► 01:24:15
And then he sits down.
► 01:24:17
And then he'll play with you.
► 01:24:19
And then he puts his things out, takes his candy, eats it.
► 01:24:24
But he just wants to let you know what the fuck he could do.
► 01:24:26
I'm just letting you know.
► 01:24:28
This is me.
► 01:24:28
If I get tired of eating these sunflower seeds or candy or whatever, I could come over there and just smack you around.
► 01:24:34
I thought Planet of the Apes was good.
► 01:24:36
I didn't think it was that funny.
► 01:24:38
I thought it was funny.
► 01:24:39
I liked it, man.
► 01:24:41
I liked it.
► 01:24:42
The gas can.
► 01:24:43
Come on, man.
► 01:24:43
It was pretty funny.
► 01:24:44
I loved the gorilla.
► 01:24:46
The gorilla.
► 01:24:46
He was smart.
► 01:24:48
He let the muscle out.
► 01:24:49
Right there.
► 01:24:50
Isn't it funny?
► 01:24:51
I heard Final Destination.
► 01:24:52
That new movie has the best 3D yet.
► 01:24:55
I ain't seen that stupid movie.
► 01:24:56
For 3D to read.
► 01:24:57
I do not want to see a movie where there's a bunch of people just dying.
► 01:25:00
Yeah.
► 01:25:00
I never got it with that movie.
► 01:25:02
Yeah.
► 01:25:03
Did you ever see the old ones though?
► 01:25:04
Like that highway scene where the semis are going like...
► 01:25:07
I can respect.
► 01:25:09
It's like a crazy car accident.
► 01:25:10
It's pretty cool.
► 01:25:10
It's not like a fucking awesome movie, but it's a fun movie, I guess.
► 01:25:14
I don't have that kind of free time.
► 01:25:16
It's like the show A Thousand Ways to Die.
► 01:25:19
No, no, no.
► 01:25:20
That show's kind of funny.
► 01:25:22
I watched that show.
► 01:25:23
That show's funny.
► 01:25:23
That show's hilarious.
► 01:25:24
The problem with these Final Destination movies to me is like, oh, he's getting acupuncture.
► 01:25:29
How's it going to be?
► 01:25:30
Oh, now he's dead.
► 01:25:31
I respect the special effects, but...
► 01:25:33
Other than that, it's like, what, am I just watching a bunch of people die because of some stupid curse?
► 01:25:37
This new one has a bridge that's collapsing, like it's broken in the middle, and it's during rush hour, and it's just like the car's skidding in, and it's just all in 3D. Wow.
► 01:25:47
So that part's cool?
► 01:25:47
I'm sure.
► 01:25:48
But you haven't seen it?
► 01:25:49
That's what I've been told.
► 01:25:50
Oh, okay.
► 01:25:51
It's saying it's like awesome 3D if you like that shit.
► 01:25:53
Oh, okay.
► 01:25:54
Yeah, I'm not into movies just for 3D. I saw Conan, and it wasn't 3D. How was that?
► 01:25:59
It sucks.
► 01:26:01
Of course it sucks.
► 01:26:02
And it's awesome, and it sucks at the same time.
► 01:26:05
Because here's the deal.
► 01:26:06
The dude is the perfect Conan.
► 01:26:07
Like, physically, the way he looks, he looks just like Conan.
► 01:26:10
I mean, he could easily be Conan, like, right out of the Robert E. Howard books.
► 01:26:13
So you got that, and then you got...
► 01:26:16
Did you hear my kids screaming in the background?
► 01:26:17
Yeah.
► 01:26:18
I need a studio.
► 01:26:19
This is ridiculous.
► 01:26:21
Look out there.
► 01:26:21
It's like an echo, though.
► 01:26:22
Throw some man shit down.
► 01:26:25
Hey, they run that.
► 01:26:26
It's their house, man.
► 01:26:27
Anyway, the dude was...
► 01:26:29
We're just kidding, folks.
► 01:26:31
Don't get crazy out there.
► 01:26:34
The books were...
► 01:26:36
But it had no story.
► 01:26:38
It was awesome in the beginning when he was a kid.
► 01:26:40
He was a badass kid, killing everybody, and it was awesome.
► 01:26:43
And then it got lame, and then it got awesome again.
► 01:26:45
There was a couple fights.
► 01:26:46
It was pretty awesome.
► 01:26:47
And then it got lame again.
► 01:26:48
It was awesome and lame.
► 01:26:50
But they needed somebody while they were making that movie to be in the room with them going, What?
► 01:26:53
What?
► 01:26:54
You're going to do what?
► 01:26:55
They need a company that does that.
► 01:26:58
Really?
► 01:26:59
I want to be that company.
► 01:27:00
We should totally have that.
► 01:27:01
Me and my five friends be like, that's so dumb.
► 01:27:03
Why would you ever do that?
► 01:27:04
This is so fake.
► 01:27:05
I can fix Conan.
► 01:27:06
All I need is a three-day weekend and a lot of weed and some buddies that like those kind of movies.
► 01:27:13
And you can fucking figure that out.
► 01:27:15
You can figure out a way to end that.
► 01:27:16
We're going to smoke a ball and take over another army.
► 01:27:19
Yeah!
► 01:27:20
That was the other problem.
► 01:27:21
This dude, he sounded way too California.
► 01:27:24
He was like, there was times, like in deep battle, he was a great Conan.
► 01:27:28
When he was fighting things and killing and yelling and screaming, he was a great Conan.
► 01:27:32
But then he was sitting down and talking, it was like, alright dude, you need to work on your Conan voice, because this shit, you sound like some dude I would meet at Target.
► 01:27:40
It doesn't sound like someone who came from that era at all.
► 01:27:43
Ugh.
► 01:27:43
I hate that.
► 01:27:45
That's like, okay, thanks for crashing me back into reality.
► 01:27:49
Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger, point blank.
► 01:27:51
Yeah, exactly.
► 01:27:52
It's going to be hard to beat that, man.
► 01:27:54
Conan's voice sounds like this.
► 01:27:55
It's going to be hard to beat that, man.
► 01:27:57
The performance he put down, he captured it, man.
► 01:27:59
Well, he showed a certain intensity.
► 01:28:01
I mean, Arnold had, first of all, nobody's built like Arnold.
► 01:28:06
They're all going to look weak compared to how he looked when he was flinging around the sword.
► 01:28:11
You don't get a dude who's built like that.
► 01:28:13
I would see a remake with him now, would you?
► 01:28:15
Now?
► 01:28:16
Now.
► 01:28:16
He spent like a good hour prep for it.
► 01:28:19
An hour prep?
► 01:28:20
Yeah.
► 01:28:20
I mean, a year prep.
► 01:28:21
I'm going to tell you something.
► 01:28:22
If he went back to the gym, he probably could pull it off.
► 01:28:25
Schwarzenegger pulled off that last racquet.
► 01:28:27
I mean, Sylvester Stallone did?
► 01:28:29
Sylvester Stallone pulled that last racquet off.
► 01:28:30
Yeah, but Sylvester Stallone never really let himself go.
► 01:28:33
Arnold has clearly let himself go.
► 01:28:35
And he had a heart problem, too, right?
► 01:28:37
Didn't he have a heart surgery?
► 01:28:38
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he did.
► 01:28:39
Okay, yeah.
► 01:28:40
Yeah, he probably can't juice up anymore.
► 01:28:41
At this point, Sylvester Stallone, the next movie he's going to make is Mrs. Doubtfire.
► 01:28:49
Sylvester Stallone?
► 01:28:50
You mean Schwarzenegger?
► 01:28:51
No, Schwarzenegger, yeah.
► 01:28:52
You have me confused as fuck.
► 01:28:53
Mrs. Doubtfire.
► 01:28:54
Mrs. Doubtfire.
► 01:28:55
This is the way I can see my kids.
► 01:28:57
He's a fascinating guy, isn't he?
► 01:28:59
Wow.
► 01:28:59
The guy who just bangs his maid and just shooting loads into his maid while he's the mayor.
► 01:29:03
For 10 years, right?
► 01:29:06
Yeah.
► 01:29:06
A decade.
► 01:29:07
He's just too raw.
► 01:29:09
A decade of...
► 01:29:10
Just be quiet about this.
► 01:29:16
Banging her all day at work.
► 01:29:18
This is the way you get your razor on here.
► 01:29:20
The governor loves you.
► 01:29:25
It's so weird, man.
► 01:29:26
Imagine that poor kid has to grow up knowing that, you know, the governor was just banging his mom and he had a real dad that he grew up with but that wasn't really his dad.
► 01:29:34
He looks just like Arnold.
► 01:29:36
That's got to be a mind-fucking-half, man.
► 01:29:39
But you should get in the bodybuilding.
► 01:29:40
Take advantage of that.
Halfway In There
00:00:59
► 01:29:41
You got the same genes, man.
► 01:29:43
Go hard.
► 01:29:44
Now that you know who your father is, get down and go to the gym.
► 01:29:48
Because he has a different mother, he's not entitled to all that cash.
► 01:29:52
It's a totally different situation, right?
► 01:29:54
He gets taken care of.
► 01:29:56
Yeah, well, he has to pay child support, but I bet the kid's probably not in the will and all that good stuff.
► 01:30:03
Oh, yes, he is.
► 01:30:04
He can get in the will.
► 01:30:05
He can get in the will.
► 01:30:06
He was one of his offspring, man.
► 01:30:07
It's like this.
► 01:30:08
At this point, that kid can look at it as half empty or half full.
► 01:30:12
You're halfway in there, kid.
► 01:30:14
You're halfway in there.
► 01:30:17
You can make it work.
► 01:30:18
It's a fascinating thing, man.
► 01:30:19
I wonder how many kids Kennedy had on the side and nobody knew about him.
► 01:30:23
77. Think about back in those days, man.
1616: Comedy Tonight?
00:07:16
► 01:30:26
They didn't have as many abortions.
► 01:30:28
A woman would go live with her mom.
► 01:30:30
I'm going to live in Worchester.