Aug. 10, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:06
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight and enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yay! | |
| Yay! | ||
| Joe Diaz is in the house. | ||
| Bitches! | ||
| Buckle up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan experience. | |
| We're finna make shit happen. | ||
|
unidentified
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We're finna make shit happen. | |
| I'm going to say that all the time now. | ||
| We're fin to do this. | ||
| We're finna make shit happen. | ||
| I don't even know where that came from. | ||
| I don't know why it exists. | ||
| We're Finn. | ||
| We're Finn to do this. | ||
| But I like it. | ||
| I'm a fan of We're Finn to. | ||
| We're Finn to Do This. | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
|
unidentified
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What are you talking about? | |
| You lost me on that. | ||
| We're Finn to go do this podcast. | ||
| Some guy tweeted me saying he doesn't like when I do a black voice. | ||
| And to him, I say tough shit. | ||
| I'm going to have to deal with that. | ||
| If there wasn't people that actually talked like that, you know, if I was doing that white guy voice that Richard Pryor always did that never bothered me, he's like, hey there, Mr. Sol, Mr. Pryor, my mom, why she's a great old gal. | ||
| I guess there are a few people that talk like that, but there's a lot of motherfuckers who talk like my black voice, okay? | ||
| It's not like you have to go find them like gee gallicky, gee whiz, gee whizermaker. | ||
| No, there's a lot of dudes who'll be like, we finna do this podcast. | ||
| That's not even ridiculous. | ||
| That sounds exactly what a lot of black people sound like. | ||
| But for whatever fucking reason, man, black people are so super sensitive about just a little good-natured joking around. | ||
| I got in trouble the other day. | ||
| I went to a five-star restaurant called The Ritz. | ||
| I don't know if you ever heard of it, but it was like the most whitest place ever. | ||
| Like there was four waiters, one for just your glasses, and they were all standing by your table. | ||
| It was for my birthday. | ||
| And I Twittered a joke like, oh, I really wish they would let black people in here. | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| You know, as a joke, and people got so fucking pissed off at me. | ||
| And I had to explain, like, no, I was making fun of that. | ||
| I was making fun how white it was and how it was disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, people are super goddamn sensitive. | ||
| I made one fucking joke, and I think the joke was, there was something real obvious in the news. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| And my response to it was, so they're telling us some shit that we already knew. | ||
| Like, what's next? | ||
| You're going to tell me that many black people don't tip, you know? | ||
| Which, by the way, I'm not saying all, but I'm saying many. | ||
| I'm saying it's a known thing that if you work in restaurants, a lot of times black people don't tip. | ||
| If you're black and you tip, God bless you. | ||
| You know, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. | ||
| Look, I am from Italian descent. | ||
| I'm Italian and Irish. | ||
| And I've said on many occasions that my people are fucking monkeys, those fucking dummies, those wannabe soprano dummies. | ||
| There's so many dumb Italians. | ||
| It is embarrassing to be Italian all the time. | ||
| I mean, Italians make some badass food. | ||
| And there's a certain Robert De Niro percentage of Italians that are bad motherfuckers. | ||
| There's a few Rocky Marcianos out there in the world. | ||
| But by and large, the great percentage of Italians are douchebags. | ||
| And that's me. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| We're just being realistic. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| But for whatever fucking reason, I say this thing about black people tipping and people are calling me racist and all this fucking shit. | ||
| So this weekend, I'm in Philadelphia, right? | ||
| We're there for the UFC. | ||
| And I'm with my boy Tommy Jr. and his girl Katie. | ||
| And we get high as Jesus on the fucking space shuttle. | ||
| We got down, Joe Diaz. | ||
| We went deep. | ||
| We just kept smoking. | ||
| What? | ||
| You got to break out the yay weed when I come up here, dog. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Brian, that weed we just smoked don't do shit to me. | ||
| If you make me drive 40 minutes up here, you got to get me stoned, bro. | ||
| That Susquehanna weed, I've been telling you about that shit. | ||
| Susquehanna. | ||
| Yeah, you brought that shit to the ice house, too. | ||
| That shit don't do nothing to you. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| What the fuck, dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to go to some stories. | |
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That shit don't do nothing to you, dog. | ||
| You got to bust out some good weed, dog. | ||
| Enough is enough with this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's fucking walking around like Jack Florence and weed you can fucking fucking. | |
| No, it's not. | ||
| Look at my fucking eyes. | ||
| Do I look high than you guy? | ||
| Yeah, you have science. | ||
| Because I smoke on the way. | ||
| Because I knew you were going to give me that slusk or hand of fucking weed. | ||
| Joey. | ||
| You better start getting some good fucking weed. | ||
| You give me that hand of my tan of weed. | ||
| That's the second time in a fucking row. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yo, dude, you just garbage. | |
| They sold you on it. | ||
| Look at my eyes. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| It's garbage. | ||
|
unidentified
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You better start getting some strong fucking weed. | |
| Relax. | ||
| I love you, too. | ||
| You got to go to a doctor. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| You always hit me with this. | ||
| And you got stoned. | ||
| How the fuck are you smoking? | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| What broken? | ||
| What fucking broken? | ||
| He hit me with this. | ||
|
unidentified
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What are you talking about? | |
| Here, motherfucker. | ||
| Brian, how high are you right now? | ||
| Bro, he got tied on a fucking polemack. | ||
| Are you high as fuck? | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's as high as fucking Dollin Ambulance. | ||
| Joey, Joe, but please relax. | ||
| The biggest thing was that it was a tightly rolled joint. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he used to take huge power hits where he's just feeling in his lungs. | ||
| You are. | ||
| You're like big. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, I couldn't get a hit off, but it was too fucking tight. | |
| Okay, Joey, Joey. | ||
| You're fucking screaming at America listening to you. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| They need to be a little bit more. | ||
|
unidentified
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Who gave a fucking job saying that you're high and you give me that Susquehanna weed? | |
| You know I love you to death, but you got to pack the A-team. | ||
| Okay, Joey. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| People are listening to this. | ||
| You understand that this is entertainment? | ||
| I know. | ||
| All you're doing is complaining about. | ||
| I'm not complaining. | ||
| I'm just telling you that I want to get high when I'm in the middle of the day. | ||
| I'm not complaining. | ||
| Listen to what you're doing. | ||
| That's complaining. | ||
| You invite me to your home and you give me the Susquehanna weed. | ||
| What the fuck is a Susquehanna? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're gonna Susquehanna hat company? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| Those cheap fucking hats? | ||
| You got the NBA team here. | ||
| What fucking planet are you from? | ||
| You're fucking smoking that shitty weed. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I'm talking about the goddamn thing I did this weekend. | ||
| Okay, I didn't know if you were talking about that shit weed. | ||
| You just fucked up. | ||
| You are so fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck. | |
| Look at my hat. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| It's not that you weigh 300 pounds and you smoke pot all day, every day. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| Blame it on my back. | ||
| There's something on my fucking weed. | ||
| It's not fat. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's the physical size of your body. | |
| Oh, you're crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Best weed you. | |
| I go to other stores. | ||
| I go to other stores. | ||
| Get the fuck out of me. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's the second time, so I'm bringing your weed around. | |
| I love you complaining. | ||
| He's so whiny. | ||
| He's so broody. | ||
| You're so broady. | ||
| You don't look like bad weed. | ||
| Joey, please shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| This is a goddamn podcast. | ||
| You've been complaining for five fucking minutes about weed. | ||
| You're telling me that what's Susquehanna? | ||
| You know what Susquehanna is. | ||
| I don't know what Susquehanna is. | ||
| No more fucking late night podcast for Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
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No more. | |
| No more. | ||
| You can't handle it. | ||
| I love you, dog. | ||
| I love you too, but there's 2,000 people listening right now. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands are listening online. | ||
| And all you're doing is complaining about weed for five minutes. | ||
| Yeah, that might have been ruined. | ||
| Joey, Joey, I've been a big fan of your YouTube video. | ||
| Shut the fuck up about this thing. | ||
| I've got to tell you about Philadelphia. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You're trying to change the subject after he beats me down? | ||
| I was just trying to calm him down for a second. | ||
| Don't talk about weed, dog. | ||
| Not around me, dog. | ||
| I'm talking about Reed. | ||
|
unidentified
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I got the fucking wheel weed. | |
| So Philly has a cracked bell. | ||
| Yeah, we're in Philadelphia. | ||
| Tommy Jr. brings us Connecticut weed. | ||
| I am thinking this is going to be just terrible. | ||
| I don't think this is going to be useless. | ||
| But it was Joey Diaz style, OG Kush, Indica, the shit that you used to smoke. | ||
| And we just go eight, nine, ten hits deep to the point where we don't want to leave the balcony. | ||
| Okay, we're terrified. | ||
| We're out there and we're looking out. | ||
| It's a beautiful summer night. | ||
| And, you know, Tommy Jr. is my boy. | ||
| I've known him since I was like in my early 20s. | ||
| And, you know, his girl Katie is really cool. | ||
| And we're hanging out. | ||
| And the three of us are just giggling our asses off going, we're too high to go outside. | ||
| We're so high. | ||
| We're so nervous and paranoid. | ||
| But we're going to see Planet of the Apes. | ||
| We had decided the evening was, I was looking forward to this weekend very much because usually on Friday night before the UFC, I always do a show. | ||
| We always do a show somewhere. | ||
| But this weekend, I was just going to play pool with Tommy. | ||
| And Tommy, you know, texts me somewhere during the week, dude, Planet of the Apes opens this week. | ||
| Let's do that too. | ||
| Like, fuck yeah. | ||
| We got to, you know, for me, man, I've got kids, little babies, and they constantly need supervision. | ||
| And I don't really get a chance to just go fuck off for a whole day. | ||
| So this is, I do the, the, the, weigh-ins are done by five o'clock, and I'm hanging out with Tommy right after that. | ||
| I do some UFC shit for like an hour, and then we're hanging out. | ||
| So we're so high, we can't, we can't think straight. | ||
| We're just giggling, but little giggle silly high. | ||
| It wasn't like my kind of high where it's like thinking about Jupiter and, you know, what happens if a planet hits another planet. | ||
| No, it's the, it's Joe Diaz style high. | ||
| So we're giggling and we have a driver. | ||
| Luckily, I have this guy taking us around, you know, like a big town car, but a, whatever those SUV things. | ||
| So the guy takes us to this movie theater. | ||
| I go, take us to whatever the good movie theater is in town, right? | ||
| And he goes, well, the good movie theater is over here. | ||
| So he takes me to this super white neighborhood where all the movies are shit movies. | ||
| It's all like foreign films. | ||
| You know, those weird, those, what are those theaters called? | ||
| Those aren't. | ||
| Lemlis. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, you go there and you go, what the fuck is this movie? | ||
| You look for something that you recognize, but everything's alternative. | ||
| I'm sure some of them are good, but I've seen some that everybody told me were good because they were alternative. | ||
| Like fucking, it was Ghost Dog, whatever that samurai one was with Forrest Whitaker. | ||
| Everybody's like, it's so amazing. | ||
| It was such a piece of shit. | ||
| It was such a dumb movie. | ||
| And everybody's like, it's amazing. | ||
| Because it's an independent film. | ||
| So it's one of these Lemley films. | ||
| So anyway, we can't go to there. | ||
| So I go, you got to go to one where there's Planet of the Apes, man. | ||
| We're going to go see Planet of the Apes. | ||
| So I look on the iPhone app and it says, okay, take me to this one. | ||
| And the guy goes, okay, I goes, is that in a good neighborhood? | ||
| He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Guy barely speaks English. | ||
| He takes us there. | ||
| We get out and we're giggling. | ||
| We're going to go see Planet of the Apes. | ||
| We walk into Planet of the Apes. | ||
| We walked into Africa, dude. | ||
| We walked in the door and there was no white people. | ||
| There was no white people. | ||
| Planet of the Apes didn't take place in Africa. | ||
| That was a racist thing for me to say. | ||
| You see what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, what happened is we walked into the blackest neighborhood we could find. | ||
| I mean, there was literally no white people. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| And everybody was super cool. | ||
| You know, it wasn't a negative experience. | ||
| And this is something I wrote on Twitter that we all went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood, an experience I highly recommend. | ||
| And all these fucking people started calling me a racist. | ||
| I mean, dozens of Twitter people, dude, I didn't know you were racist. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Like black people were saying, fuck you. | ||
| I'm like, listen, man, I am saying it was a positive experience. | ||
| I said, I highly recommend. | ||
| And it was a black neighborhood. | ||
| And we get in there, right? | ||
| And we're so, we're so giggly high. | ||
| We're like, oh my God, we're so high. | ||
| And then I realized like, whoa, everyone's black here. | ||
| Like, well, I mean, everyone's black here. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| And then a bunch of people recognize me and they start want to take in pictures. | ||
| And it's all good. | ||
| Everybody's cool and friendly. | ||
| Cool as shit. | ||
| Cool as shit. | ||
| Like this guy goes, yo, man, I don't, where I know you from. | ||
| I don't want to, I don't want to bother you, man. | ||
| I'm not trying to use up your time. | ||
| Where I know you from? | ||
| I go, Fear Factor. | ||
| I go, yeah, that's it. | ||
| But it's the way he said it was like so cool. | ||
| And we're giggling. | ||
| Oh, no one did the Smoke Rocks thing, but I took a lot of goddamn pictures. | ||
| And like I said, super cool, super friendly. | ||
| This is not a negative story. | ||
| So then we go into the movie theater, right? | ||
| It's me, Tommy, and like maybe there's another white person, maybe one other white person. | ||
| Movie theater filled with black people and they are having a good fucking time. | ||
| And you know how people always complain that black people talk to the movie theater and talk to the screen? | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| But it's good. | ||
| Fucking, yeah, if that's what you know. | ||
| So the way I felt like I'm like, look, I'm in their neighborhood. | ||
| This is how they go to the movies. | ||
| Who the fuck am I to be offended by how they like to go to the movies? | ||
| They were at the movies. | ||
| And I'm not saying all black neighborhoods do this, but this particular black neighborhood, these people brought babies, bro. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of people with babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it wasn't just one. | ||
| These people in front of us walked in and they had toddlers, like little two-year-olds, sitting on their lap to see Planet of the Fucking Apes at like 10.40 on a Friday night. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck about it. | ||
| Give a fuck. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck. | ||
| But I'll tell you what made me really nervous and made me feel kind of weird was watching all of these previews of all these different TV shows or all these different movies rather that are coming out. | ||
| And I'm watching These movies, and all of them are about white people. | ||
| Oh, weird. | ||
| And I'm sitting there and I'm going, wow, this is weird. | ||
| Like, imagine being a black person. | ||
| And I always thought, like, people would complain, like, I'd hear black people complain about, you know, oh, there's no films for black people, there's no roles for black actors. | ||
| And I'd be like, so go make a movie. | ||
| What do you want from me? | ||
| You know, but when you go to a goddamn movie theater with all black people, that's when you really feel it. | ||
| I'm sitting there in the audience and all these people are black, but every movie preview is white. | ||
| There's no black characters. | ||
| And then finally, there's this movie with Jonah Hill. | ||
| They show a preview for the movie and it's Jonah Hill and he's doing all this different shit and he's babysitting kids, but he's supposed to be like a cool guy. | ||
| And the way they show you he's a cool guy is there's an old black guy working like at a door at a club. | ||
| Like the black guy's there and Jonah Hill's talking black to him. | ||
| You know, it is what it is, brother. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| And I'm watching this with all these black people. | ||
| I'm watching this white guy talk like a black guy and I'm in this fucking theater field and I'm like, and I'm high as fuck. | ||
| I mean, just barbecued, sitting there soaking in this experience going, wow, this is fucked up. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| No wonder why black people are angry and they feel disenfranchised. | ||
| Like, they're completely removed from the mainstream cultural experience in a lot of ways. | ||
| Like, there's a tiny percentage of black people that are included in movies. | ||
| So finally, Planet of the Apes plays. | ||
| Everyone's white in the movie, except the bad guy. | ||
| The bad guy is a black guy. | ||
| And I thought it was so strange. | ||
| And not only that, he's a bad guy who owns this giant company and he has an English accent. | ||
| It's like, not only is he a, but you, it's like you couldn't have a brother from Philadelphia that figured out how to own this corporation. | ||
| It couldn't be a guy, even a brother that talks like a regular businessman type dude, you know, who's like, well, what we need to do is acquire this. | ||
| And, you know, once we get that, and then we'll be on moving. | ||
| And then we get in the force. | ||
| You know, no, no, no. | ||
| This guy has an English accent. | ||
| He doesn't sound like anybody you know. | ||
| And this is the only black guy in the fucking movie. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| And then the rest of the movie is just badass monkeys. | ||
| Just badass chimpanzees. | ||
| So was the CGI awesome? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Oh my God, is it good? | ||
| First of all, the movie is the shit. | ||
| Planet of the Apes is a dope movie. | ||
| It's a good movie for everybody. | ||
| I think it's PG-13, believe it or not. | ||
| Yeah, because the violence is all sort of implied. | ||
| Like, you know what the fuck went down, but they don't really show it to you. | ||
| But it's not removed from violence. | ||
| It's a terrifying movie. | ||
| And the, like, keep, you know, I don't want to say, I can't, I don't know. | ||
| Oh, how many of the old ones did you watch? | ||
| Oh, I watched all of them. | ||
| Oh, five. | ||
| I watched all of them. | ||
| And what did you think of the first one? | ||
| It's still sensational. | ||
| Well, you know, you have to put yourself back in the top. | ||
| Because back in the time, it was a great movie. | ||
| It's like a lot of movies, they don't hold up because you have to realize that culturally, human beings have evolved in a huge way from 1970 to 2011. | ||
| I mean, if you want any proof that something is happening to our culture and that things are expanding and moving forward in an exponentially increasing way, all you have to do is look at old movies. | ||
| Old movies are almost unwatchable. | ||
| Unwatchable. | ||
| The ADD concept is unwatchable. | ||
| We don't last that long. | ||
| Well, not only that, they're just not good. | ||
| Like, I watched Altered States. | ||
| I mean, Altered States. | ||
| It's a badass movie when I was a kid. | ||
| You know, I'm capped in Isolation Tank. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, I'm in that goddamn thing all the time. | ||
| And I learned about the isolation tank from that movie. | ||
| I learned about ayahuasca from that movie. | ||
| I learned a lot of shit from that movie. | ||
| That movie was a big- How old is that fucking movie? | ||
| 84 or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I think so. | ||
| I'm just talking out of my ass. | ||
| I'm guessing, though. | ||
| Now, who's in that again, Halton States? | ||
| That's not the Christopher Walker one where he takes. | ||
| No, William Hurt is in it. | ||
| It's 1980. | ||
| That's even earlier than I thought. | ||
| That's 30 fucking one years ago. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| 31 fucking years ago. | ||
| Somebody needs to redo that goddamn movie because that's a fascinating thing, especially with ayahuasca being so popular, you know, and isolation tanks are pretty goddamn popular right now, too. | ||
| Hey, but they're doing Footless instead. | ||
| I think it's amazing that isolation tanks, a lot of while it's popular is us. | ||
| A lot of while it's popular is talking about it on the podcast and talk about it in videos. | ||
| You know, that's incredible that no one is talking about one of the most amazing tools for the human mind ever created. | ||
| And it's not like it's a fucking, you know, one of those things that they had to build in the movie Contact and it costs a billion dollars. | ||
| You need fucking cranes to put it into place. | ||
| No, it's fucking simple. | ||
| I mean, there's directions for building these goddamn things on the internet. | ||
| Was the movie in 3D? | ||
| No. | ||
| The one I saw was not in 3D. | ||
| I don't know if it is in 3D. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not aware. | ||
| I know what's really crazy, but it was awesome. | ||
| And Brian is my witness. | ||
| We went to Philly about 18 months ago to two years ago and we ran out of weed. | ||
| And somebody gave us a joint on the way to the club. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And the same thing happened to us. | ||
| So you don't fucking remember. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when we brought some weed to Philly, this shit was probably 10 to 10. | ||
| That was the DJ. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| The DJ gave it to us. | ||
| It was Brian. | ||
| One of the guys who works at the radio station. | ||
| And all four of us were like, we don't want no more. | ||
| And it's something that you really have to think about. | ||
| I got to come out here and pay $300 for an ounce. | ||
| And back there, they're paying $125 and they're getting fucking blitzed. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're getting that indica, that crazy silly silly coffee. | ||
| It's brown and it's fucking strong. | ||
| It's definitely a different high. | ||
| It's definitely a different high. | ||
| That high that I got was, you know, that East Coast high. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It's a silly high. | ||
| You don't like think, we weren't thinking about the universe, but I was very sensitive to this soul situation. | ||
| You know, it was like, you know, it made me feel like, man, you know, what do black people have, man? | ||
| They have fucking Tyler Perry, you know? | ||
| They have Tyler Perry. | ||
| That's their mogul. | ||
| That's the guy who's making a lot of movies. | ||
| It's these goddamn Maeda movies. | ||
| And what else is it? | ||
| I mean, there's not that many movies. | ||
| Every three months, they put out an all-black funeral, which was fucking horrendously bad. | ||
| It's sad, man. | ||
| I mean, for every Spike Lee, how many fucking real good, you know, every John Singleton, how many real good representatives for black people are there out there? | ||
| You know, it's kind of, it was really interesting to be in a black theater. | ||
| And you had a good fucking time. | ||
| I had a great fucking time. | ||
| But you know where I have a good time on Tuesdays? | ||
| You want to have a good time with black people on Tuesday? | ||
| And I'm not being fucking prejudiced for funny. | ||
| I'm just, if you want to see black people in their natural environment, you go to fucking Popeye's Chicken on Tuesdays. | ||
| They give you a wing and a breast for 99 cents. | ||
| And I made the mistake one night. | ||
| I go, Terry, you want to go? | ||
| I like Popeye's chicken. | ||
| I go, you know, you love Popeye's chicken. | ||
| Spicy. | ||
| Spicy? | ||
| We had at the end of that. | ||
| I went to Popeye's Chicken and it's the one on Laurel Canyon. | ||
| Like, if you go to Popeye's Chicken on Hollywood and Coenga, it's full of brothers. | ||
| There ain't nothing you could do. | ||
| But Laurel Canyon, you're like, there ain't gonna be a brother. | ||
| I didn't even think about that on the way in. | ||
| I had been there before on a Sunday. | ||
| This is a special. | ||
| It's a wing and a breast for 99 cents. | ||
| Dog, they come out of the fucking woodwork for this. | ||
| Packed. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| Around the corner. | ||
| But the best was I seen a real motherfucking gangster brother. | ||
| This guy ate 20 pieces of chicken and didn't get off the phone that one fucking time. | ||
| That's a real bad motherfucking chicken. | ||
| The only time he got off the phone was to ask the bitch for hot sauce. | ||
| And still I sat there and watched the whole thing. | ||
| Still sucking on the bone. | ||
| Sucking on them, breaking them in half while he was on the phone telling his bitch how, fuck it, I'm getting my dick sucked. | ||
| Another thing that people got mad at me for, for asking, why is it that I keep seeing black dudes talking on speakerphone out loud by themselves? | ||
| I see it all the time in public. | ||
| Black dudes holding the phone next to their face, going, yo, what it is? | ||
| Uh-huh, okay. | ||
| And they're talking on the phone when it's not near their face. | ||
| We talked about this once, but my ex-girlfriend got mad at that. | ||
| My ex-girlfriend does that too. | ||
| She's black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black people add so much flavor. | |
| Flavor to this world. | ||
| If it wasn't for these fucking black people, we'd just be a bunch of cowboys on horses listening to fucking. | ||
| Well, think about white people from Utah. | ||
| One last time. | ||
| I was so fucking entertaining. | ||
| I drove my wife this morning at 7 o'clock. | ||
| She had to go get a blood test or some shit down at Kaiser. | ||
| On the way back, I cut back through and I went to North Hollywood Park. | ||
| You ready for this one? | ||
| This is food for thought. | ||
| There wasn't a soul in Hollywood Park, North Hollywood Park, but black people teaching karate. | ||
| North Hollywood Park? | ||
| Beautiful park. | ||
| You know, those squirrels will let you feed them. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| It's a beautiful fucking park. | ||
| There's a dude, a Chinese dude that sits out there with a bag of squirrels. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| I've been there, dog. | ||
| That's a great fucking park. | ||
| A guy sits out there. | ||
| I talk dog to him. | ||
| I talk his language. | ||
| A guy sits out there. | ||
| This Chinese guy sits out there with a fucking peanut, and he'll just have a bag of them. | ||
| And he lies on his back, and he puts his hands out. | ||
| The squirrels come up, and they just hang out with that dude. | ||
| They take the things. | ||
| Like, they don't even run. | ||
| They don't even back up before they eat. | ||
| They eat right there. | ||
| They just take it right from them. | ||
| That's a great fucking part. | ||
| It's one of my favorite parts. | ||
| It's all around. | ||
| I'm in there all the way up. | ||
| And so there's black dudes doing karate out there? | ||
| They're doing karate sticks, doing forms. | ||
| No work, no nothing, but they're out there doing motherfucking karate. | ||
| Only brothers, dog. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| And you never, you really want this. | ||
| There's two movies I seen in a black movie theater that was sensational. | ||
| The one movie was Rambo 2. | ||
| I told you the other day, but the best movie ever, I seen the one about the black, what's the guy when he comes out? | ||
| I'm the black show gun of Harlem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I seen that in Harlem. | ||
| Last dragon. | ||
| The last dragon was entertainment like a motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure that's a great movie to see. | |
| I think if I ever make enough money, I would just buy a black movie theater for me to just go there and laugh my ass off. | ||
| Fuck the, and you go over to this fucking, what's this one on Sunset? | ||
| The Atrium. | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| $90 to go to the movie theater. | ||
| Darklight. | ||
| $90 fucking dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I went last year. | ||
| $22 and $4.50 for a sausage sandwich. | ||
| I just want to see a fucking movie. | ||
| He eats $90 of the food. | ||
| I just want to see a fucking movie. | ||
| I work New Jack City opening night in Columbus, Ohio at one of the scariest movie theaters in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| You don't want to go to a... | ||
| You don't want to go see a gangster. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Black neighborhood. | ||
| No, but you definitely want to go see a martial arts film. | ||
| A martial arts film or an action film. | ||
| I had to sit in the back of the theater the whole time and watch that movie because it was like midnight opening night, New Jack City. | ||
| I'm sitting in the back. | ||
| I'm a white general manager. | ||
| All my staff is black. | ||
| And so I'm sitting there like, what is this New Jack City movie? | ||
| I had to watch the whole thing and there was fights. | ||
| There was one time where this like lady started hitting this other lady and went into like the hallway and I had to like kick him out. | ||
| It was one of the most scariest moments of my life working that movie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And one of the best movies I ever saw too. | ||
| Bro, one of the best haunted houses I ever went to. | ||
| We went to Asbury Park for Halloween to a haunted mansion. | ||
| The city of North Bergen rented buses and they took you to different places and we went down and they had this thing, the Brigantine Castle. | ||
| I think I told you already. | ||
| We went in there and you know they got Dracula and Frankenstein or whatever and you walk around. | ||
| You're supposed to get scared. | ||
| Bro, we had to be like 10, maybe 12 and a half. | ||
| And you know, you get a little scared. | ||
| We didn't smoke dope that or nothing. | ||
| We were just walking around. | ||
| But bro, that Dracula bumped into a black dude. | ||
| And dog, Dracula, he said, what the fuck do you? | ||
| And these guys were from East Orange. | ||
| That was the other town that was there. | ||
| And this guy looked at me. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck is wrong with Dracula, motherfucker? | ||
| They started beating the fuck. | ||
| They were 12 just like us. | ||
| You know, we thought we were bad. | ||
| They started. | ||
| They beat up Dracula. | ||
| They were 12. | ||
| Dracula, dragging them through the gate, kicking them like 16 little black dudes. | ||
| I never laughed so hard in my life. | ||
| They fucked Dracula. | ||
| By the time I got out, the cops are there. | ||
| Nobody could cop to it. | ||
| They had the kids with their hands up against the wall. | ||
| You don't fuck with it. | ||
| It takes a broad spectrum of people to make this world interesting, you know, and that is true that if you look at like our culture, first of all, stand-up comedy, you know, besides Lenny Bruce, the number one contributor is black comics. | ||
| Richard Pryor, you know, in later years, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy contributed, and Chris Rock. | ||
| They're real greats. | ||
| You look at music. | ||
| There's so much black music, so much black influence on Led Zeppelin, even on fucking Leonard Skynyrd, man. | ||
| You know, Leonard Skynyrd, they were influenced by a lot of black blues guys. | ||
| That fucking song, The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Great song. | ||
| About a black guy in the South who's teaching them how to play the blues, you know, or playing the blues for him when he was a little kid. | ||
| Man, it was a fun fucking experience. | ||
| We had a great goddamn time at that movie theater. | ||
| It didn't matter there was babies talking. | ||
| It didn't matter because that was the experience that we signed up for. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, man, a lot of the dudes saying shit made the movie better. | ||
| There was like one scene where the dude goes, oh, he running shit now. | ||
| And everybody started laughing. | ||
| And then they started chiming in with their own shit. | ||
| And the women were talking to each other. | ||
| Oh, he be like this. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| And it would just back and forth. | ||
| And it went on for a few seconds as long as everybody thought it was acceptable. | ||
| And then the movie kept going. | ||
| But it was, they made the movie louder. | ||
| The movie was really loud. | ||
| And I was wondering, like, I wonder if they make it loud because people talk in the movie theater. | ||
| I wonder because it was loud as fuck. | ||
| But it's such an action movie that there's not a lot of moments in that movie where there's like, you need quiet, you know? | ||
| Some movies are good, goddamn movie, man. | ||
| They did it good. | ||
| Like, I was wondering, you know, I was like, well, I bet the CGI will be cool, but maybe it'll be corny. | ||
| Like, I didn't like Cowboys and Aliens. | ||
| I went to see Cowboys and Aliens, and it was good. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| I mean, I didn't hate it, but it was like kind of all over the road. | ||
| And I'm a huge fan of Jon Favreau, and I thought that Iron Man was fucking awesome. | ||
| And I just love him anyway. | ||
| I love him from swingers, and I've met him a couple times, and he's super cool. | ||
| So I was really looking forward to it. | ||
| I love a good goddamn alien movie, and I love a good cowboy movie. | ||
| I'm like, this is going to be perfect. | ||
| So I was kind of expecting that Planet of the Apes would kind of be like that, sort of. | ||
| I'm like, it's probably a lot like that level. | ||
| No way, dude. | ||
| It was a strong nine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Strong nine out of 10. | ||
| The fucking, first of all, you realize how pathetic and fleshy human beings are when you see like, because they had these chimps super realistic, you know, and you think of like a super athlete, like a Ray Lewis, you know, like you think like a Brock Lesnar, like the biggest, strongest, super athlete human. | ||
| And you look at what like a 150-pound chimp does in this movie. | ||
| Just runs shit, throws things around. | ||
| Like the way he handles people was so realistic. | ||
| It was really, it was really fucking well done, man. | ||
| The CGI, you're watching it, you could still kind of tell that it's not really a chimp, but only in the face, only like the way his face moves, the one that was like real human-like, just a little bit. | ||
| I mean, a hair. | ||
| They're so close. | ||
| But the gorilla, God damn, the gorilla looks good. | ||
| There's some scenes where this gorilla shows up, but the gorilla just runs shit. | ||
| But I don't want to tell you anymore. | ||
| I can't tell you anything. | ||
| No spoilers. | ||
| But just the way they did it. | ||
| The fucking, the way they're able to have these artificial things interact with what looks like a real physical environment. | ||
| Like this jimp, this gorilla smashing things. | ||
| It looks real as fuck, man. | ||
| It looks real as fuck. | ||
| But you're getting a gorilla to do some shit you could never get a real gorilla to do. | ||
| You couldn't get a real gorilla to act exactly the way you want it. | ||
| But that's what it looks like, man. | ||
| It's going to be crazy in five years when you rewatch that movie. | ||
| It's going to look like shit. | ||
| It looks like shit. | ||
| Like going to see I Am Legend. | ||
| That stupid scene where the lions walk out. | ||
| Like, look at this fake ass lion. | ||
| It ruins the whole movie for me. | ||
| Like, I think they shouldn't have had that scene because that lion looks so stupid. | ||
| Like, I can't believe they accepted that stupid looking fake lion. | ||
| This is not like that. | ||
| This is way better than that. | ||
| This is the next level. | ||
| This is next level shit. | ||
| It's a good plot, too. | ||
| It's well made. | ||
| It's well-directed. | ||
| It keeps you fucking captivated. | ||
| It's a perfect summer movie. | ||
| Best summer movie. | ||
| Next to Red State. | ||
| I went to see Red State last week. | ||
| I went to, Kevin Smith invited me to go to a screening, and I sat right next to Mark Maron, which is another story. | ||
| We did. | ||
| We hugged. | ||
| We did hug. | ||
| We made up. | ||
| We made up. | ||
| He actually apologized. | ||
| Because, you know, I talked about him on the podcast. | ||
| He's so fucking negative. | ||
| I'm like, why are you so, you know, what the fuck, man? | ||
| And we went over some shit on the podcast. | ||
| And he totally copped to it and said, you're right. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And we were cool, like right away. | ||
| He looked really happy, too. | ||
| He's with this really pretty girl. | ||
| He's got his girlfriend. | ||
| Girl's real pretty. | ||
| He's doing real good now. | ||
| He just got back from Chicago. | ||
| He's telling me he sold out these shows. | ||
| So he felt like real good. | ||
| So he felt good. | ||
| He looked good. | ||
| And, you know, it's like people just need some success. | ||
| They just need some happiness in their life. | ||
| You know, now he's got a girlfriend and she's really pretty and she seemed really nice. | ||
| And obviously they love each other together, all nice. | ||
| So it's like, good, good. | ||
| Love. | ||
| So you got some love now. | ||
| And now you're willing to give the love back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Terrific. | ||
| Anyway, Red State is fucking badass. | ||
| Kevin Smith made this movie, right? | ||
| He didn't tell me shit about it. | ||
| He said, dude, I really want you to see this. | ||
| I know you'll dig it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's a real nice guy. | ||
| He's doing the podcast next week. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| I did his podcast. | ||
| I've met him before. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| His movies that I've seen, they're always these silly comedies, you know? | ||
| So I'm expecting I'm going to go see a Kevin Smith movie. | ||
| It's going to be a silly comedy. | ||
| We get there. | ||
| It is this apocalyptic cult, this cult that believes that Jesus is coming. | ||
| And that's what the movie's all about and how they interact with a bunch of people. | ||
| I don't want to tell you anymore about it, but it's about this religious fanatic. | ||
| It's basically a horror movie. | ||
| You know, it seems like it's kind of like an action movie, but it's really like a horror movie. | ||
| And goddamn is it good. | ||
| I mean, it is one of the best movies I've seen in fucking years. | ||
| Better even than Planet of the Apes. | ||
| As good as I said Planet of the Apes was, Red State is slightly better. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Steven Rood is in it. | ||
| Steven Root is fucking badass in this movie, man. | ||
| And the dude who plays the guy. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck is his name. | ||
| The dude who plays the guy who plays the John Goodman's in it, too. | ||
| I don't know who the other guy is. | ||
| Is there a point in the movie where John Goodman goes, Snoochie Bucci's? | ||
| No. | ||
| Michael Parks, that's the guy's name, who plays the bad guy. | ||
| Fuck is this guy good? | ||
| I mean, he's a guy who's been around a long ass time. | ||
| Apparently he's got some crazy ass stories about dudes trying to kill him. | ||
| John Hurt. | ||
| Was that guy's name? | ||
| Another guy's name? | ||
| Kevin Smith was telling me. | ||
| He's like, I got to tell you the whole story later. | ||
| But this guy is a famous actor, like literally tried to kill this dude twice. | ||
| But this guy plays the, he plays the preacher in this movie. | ||
| God damn, it's good. | ||
| John Goodman's in it. | ||
| God damn, is he good? | ||
| There's no soundtrack to this movie. | ||
| So during the movie, what I loved about it, one of the things I love, I hate when a movie gives me, I mean, I loved Planet of the Apes. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| It's a well-packaged, entertaining vehicle. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| But I don't like when a movie plays me some fucking music and tells me how I'm supposed to think. | ||
| I don't, that's, that's retarded to me. | ||
| I've never enjoyed it. | ||
| I'll tolerate it, you know, but I always feel relieved when a movie doesn't have any music. | ||
| You know, I don't need like the, they start kissing and fucking violins play. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Well, obviously there's good examples and bad examples, but there's definitely some movies that the soundtrack is 90% of the movie. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| Well, that's different, man. | ||
| You're talking about like some music with songs and singing and shit. | ||
| I like the music, but it must have tuned through the time. | ||
| When I hear Led Zeppelin, House of the Holy, I know it's 74. | ||
| I don't mind, but I don't like what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you hear music, two people listening and them telling you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Set me up in the time period. | ||
| That's what I meant to say. | ||
| I said it wrong because it's not that I don't like soundtracks because I do in Goodfellas. | ||
| I like it when it's done the right way. | ||
| Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| It sets it up as a time period. | ||
| Boogie nights. | ||
| I don't mind that. | ||
| Yeah, boogie nice. | ||
| Like, remember when the Rolling Stones are playing and he's coked up and he's got a bag full of guns in the trunk and he's dried around? | ||
| I'm your dad. | ||
| Yeah, like that's in that movie it works. | ||
| What I mean more is the werewolf is running through the woods and you hear the orchestra pup pup pup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Get the fuck out of here with that stupid shit. | ||
| That drives me nuts. | ||
| There's no music in this movie, man. | ||
| This movie is brilliant. | ||
| And Kevin Smith describes it as his talking dog movie. | ||
| He's like, because if a dog started talking, you'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| And he goes, that's exactly what this movie's like. | ||
| You don't expect it from Kevin Smith. | ||
| Did you see an early cut of it that they did? | ||
| No, it's done, dude. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| No, it's done. | ||
| The movie's done. | ||
| Kevin did it all himself. | ||
| He's going to release it all himself. | ||
| He did it all himself. | ||
| No one had any involvement in it. | ||
| And that's the brilliance of this movie. | ||
| He didn't, you know, he was going to do a mass release of it, but I guess it was just too expensive. | ||
| So he's going to release it in a limited way just so that it's eligible for the Oscars. | ||
| And then they're going to do it video on demand, I think, in September. | ||
| And, you know, you can get it on DVD and all that shit. | ||
| Here's the really weird thing, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Here's the really weird thing, Joe Rogan, that you mentioned that I have to stick up for the 70s timepiece, though. | ||
| When we watch a movie, and it's from the 70s now, it's unbearable to watch. | ||
| But if you really think about it. | ||
| Not always, though. | ||
| Except for The Godfather. | ||
| There's a bunch of movies that are still good. | ||
| Like Hard Times You Could Watch, maybe, if it's not 11 o'clock. | ||
| You ever see Friends of Eddie Coyle? | ||
| Tremendous fucking movie. | ||
| Tremendous movie. | ||
| Tremendous fucking movie. | ||
| I got turned on that by Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| No reservations. | ||
| If I told you about it, you wouldn't. | ||
| That's a badass movie. | ||
| I just went to see it at the fucking movie theater. | ||
| I just went about a month ago. | ||
| They had it for five bucks. | ||
| At that movie, I always go. | ||
| The dog all bets are off with me. | ||
| Where is this place? | ||
| The place in Beverly. | ||
| Yeah, Beverly. | ||
| Beverly. | ||
| I go there. | ||
| When you can't find me, I'm at the Beverly for five bucks, bro. | ||
| I ain't got time to waste with people no more. | ||
| I go to all those movies. | ||
| I want to see them on the big screen. | ||
| The friends of Eddie Coyle, look at the cast in there. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Death man. | ||
| Deck. | ||
| What's the name of the star in that, bro? | ||
| How bad is he? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's Freddie? | ||
| Eddie Coyle's name. | ||
| That guy, to me, he reminds me, for some reason, he reminds me like a Brock Lesnar. | ||
| But the way he talks to people, bro, the way he would talk to people. | ||
| Robert Mitchum. | ||
| The fucking size of his hands. | ||
| Have you seen the size of that? | ||
| That's a big dude. | ||
| That's a big motherfucking country bumpkin there. | ||
| But you want me to tell you something about the 70s? | ||
| Tell me something about the 70s. | ||
| No better movies came out than in the 70s. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Let's get down. | ||
| Every Which Way But Loose? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Let's just talk about The Exorcist. | ||
| Godfather. | ||
| Let's just talk about the Planet of the Apes. | ||
| Because, bro, let's get down. | ||
| The first, I came from Cuba. | ||
| Rocky. | ||
| I came, what? | ||
| Rocky. | ||
| Rocky. | ||
| I came from Cuba. | ||
| And the first movie, one of the first movies I went to see was Beneath the Planet of the Apes. | ||
| At the time, I lived on 88th Street and Broadway. | ||
| Fuck all these motherfuckers. | ||
| If you look at Beneath the Planet of the Apes, they were under the subway systems. | ||
| Really? | ||
| in New York City. | ||
| You're not going to sell me the Planet of the Apes unless you start from scratch. | ||
| I don't have to sell it to you. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| You don't remember the part where you can torture yourself by not going to see it. | ||
| No, I'm going to go see it. | ||
| But what I'm trying to say to you is you have to watch that again. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I just haven't seen it in years. | ||
| Yeah, you got to check yourself. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| That's 70, 1970. | ||
| When they ripped their fucking mask off, I came home and I remember telling my mom, mom, these apes live under the fucking subways. | ||
| Like, they sold me on it. | ||
| It's all through New York. | ||
| Remember they're by the Statue of Liberty? | ||
| Remember that shot that they did? | ||
| Fuck CGI. | ||
| Fuck CGI. | ||
| They did the Statue of Liberty, bent over, and then what's the blonde guy? | ||
| Remember the first one with the girl? | ||
| Come on, guy. | ||
| What's the first hot girl that couldn't even fucking talk? | ||
| And he was running. | ||
| It wasn't Jane Fonda. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they weren't. | ||
| The first one would have fucking killed her. | ||
| It was 1970. | ||
| Everybody's mad over Vietnam still. | ||
| The first two Planet of the Apes. | ||
| Raquel Welsh? | ||
| No, baby. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| If it was Raquel Welsh, we wouldn't be here right now. | ||
| The first two. | ||
| Brian, why wouldn't we be here right now? | ||
| Everybody would have been jerking off to deaths. | ||
| 1968. | ||
| Who was the original chicken that couldn't talk? | ||
| Kim Hunter? | ||
| Bro, I don't know who it was, but next time you get a minute, just watch the first two again. | ||
| Get really. | ||
| You don't even need to give away. | ||
| You ever see that movie, Return to the Valley of the Dolls? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with that movie? | ||
| Is that Jane Fonda? | ||
| Was that? | ||
| No, it wasn't Jane Fonda. | ||
| It was written by Roger Ebert. | ||
| Ebert, yes. | ||
| It's a weird fucking movie. | ||
| I sat there and seriously tried to follow that movie. | ||
| That makes zero sense. | ||
| Kim Hunter was one of the monkeys. | ||
| It's Linda Harrison. | ||
| She's the badass bitch. | ||
| Oh, goddamn, is she hot? | ||
| Yeah, she is with Charlie Heston. | ||
| You gotta watch the first two, bro. | ||
| I'm sorry, God. | ||
| Charlie Heston is a bad motherfucker, too. | ||
| And he's like 50. | ||
| Did you know Robert Ebert wrote a movie? | ||
| And it's one of those stories in the whole entire movie. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| He's a critical. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| And that's why he's a critic. | ||
| Listen, I've always said this. | ||
| I've met some good critics. | ||
| I've met some cool people who are fans of movies. | ||
| And there's no hard, fast rule to anything. | ||
| There's a lot of people like Doug Benson might as well be a critic. | ||
| He's a huge movie butt. | ||
| He's still a very good comic, but he's a huge movie butt. | ||
| He might as well be a critic. | ||
| But most critics are critics because they got nothing to contribute. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| They don't want to be critics. | ||
| They really want to. | ||
| They want to be writers. | ||
| They want to be screenwriters. | ||
| They want to be authors. | ||
| They don't have anything to say. | ||
| I don't believe critics anyway. | ||
| Sometimes they're wrong. | ||
| I swear to God, I thought I saw Doug Benson said that he hated the New Planet Apes movie. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, he made fun of the CGI and everything. | ||
| All those 70s movies, all those Clint Eastwood movies, all those Charles Bronson movies that we're stealing from today that we're remaking. | ||
| All those Westerns. | ||
| All those Westerns were in the 70s. | ||
| So the timepiece was fucking brilliant. | ||
| The thinking was brilliant. | ||
| It's not these Momos now that are just remaking shit, though. | ||
| What is the Clint Eastwood movie where he plays a ghost who comes back to town and fucks everybody up? | ||
| He puts the shield on at the end and they have to shoot the body because the people don't shoot the head. | ||
| So every time they'd shoot the body, he'd fall down and get back up. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| He's a Western. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they think he's dead. | ||
| no, no, no, no. | ||
| No, he was dead. | ||
| He came back to town to kill everybody. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Which one is that? | ||
| He came back to town to kill the whole town. | ||
| They whipped him to death. | ||
| And he came back and he was raping bitches, dude. | ||
| He raped this one chick. | ||
| It's really kind of crazy. | ||
| Like, the way they show it, it was real, super realistic. | ||
| So he raped a bitch in every movie. | ||
| He always told him what time it was. | ||
| He raped her and he like, he only fucked her for like four pumps. | ||
| And I watched it with my friend John once, my friend John in New York. | ||
| And he goes, see, that's how we're supposed to fuck. | ||
| We're not supposed to fuck a girl for an hour and make her come. | ||
| You're supposed to just fuck four times and shoot your logo because that's what feels good. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, how crazy are you, dude? | ||
| It's not Doug Benson. | ||
| It's some other comic. | ||
| And I was really surprised because he was the only person I saw that didn't like that movie. | ||
| Everyone else knocked. | ||
| High Planes Drifter. | ||
| That's a bad motherfucker right there, too. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That's the one when they whip him. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| Bro, you know, I got so many of those classics in my head. | ||
| No, it's not it. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| High Planes Drifter is another one. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| What the fuck is the movie? | ||
| It's driving me nuts. | ||
| I need Rick Ramos here. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Is Rick Ramos a master of Kuni Swift? | ||
| Really? | ||
| So one of our Twitter people would let us know. | ||
| There's four. | ||
| The good, the bad, the ugly, for a few dollars more, fist full of dollars, and High Planes Drifter. | ||
| It's got to be one of those movies. | ||
| Maybe it is High Planes Drifter. | ||
| It is High Planes Drifter. | ||
| What's the one when he paints the town red? | ||
| Paint the town white. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| The Paint the Town Red. | ||
| When was the last time somebody painted a town red in the last 20 years that you've seen a movie? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| That was the most original idea ever. | ||
| Paint this fucking. | ||
| And what do we call the town to hell? | ||
| Yeah, this isn't the movie because in this one it says a stranger rides out of the hot desert into a small town in the wild west. | ||
| The townspeople are scared of him and three gunmen try unsuccessfully to kill him. | ||
| He takes a room and decides, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, this is a weird end to a summary. | ||
| Then they kill him in one. | ||
| They don't kill him in one. | ||
| Well, they shoot him. | ||
| And the people that shot him only shoot the body. | ||
| They don't shoot the head. | ||
| Is it hang him high? | ||
| So he fucking gets a shield and he builds a shield and he puts it on his chest. | ||
| And then when he approaches the people, they would shoot at him. | ||
| But he was confusing movies. | ||
| Yeah, we're confusing all of them. | ||
| We're confusing movies. | ||
| All I gotta do is go home and put them on tonight. | ||
| I got them all on my D. I have a great movie for you guys both to watch. | ||
| It's a documentary of Tiffany stalkers. | ||
| Have you heard of it? | ||
| It's called I Think We Are Alone Now. | ||
| And it follows two guys that are stock stalkers of Tiffany. | ||
| Current stalker? | ||
| Current stalkers. | ||
| And one of them was a stalker like 20 years ago or 15 years ago when she was really young and stuff. | ||
| And one guy is a transsexual or transgender guy that's going through becoming a woman. | ||
| And the other guy, they both have Asperger's disease or whatever it's called. | ||
| Which is like in the autism spectrum. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| Yeah, it's like their type of autism. | ||
| They're super, super smart, but they can't shut up about it. | ||
| You know, like they can't stop talking about it and obsessing about whatever it is. | ||
| So they're on Coke. | ||
| Smart people on Coke. | ||
| Smart people on Coke. | ||
| But it is so interesting. | ||
| And the fact that they're both their backup, like they were both like, oh yeah, I would never be able to marry her. | ||
| But Alyssa Milano, on the other hand, and both of them had like a backup, Alyssa Milano. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, and it's so weird. | ||
| It's on Netflix streaming. | ||
| So they all love Tiffany, but they couldn't marry her, but they can marry Alyssa Milano. | ||
| Alyssa Milano is their more realistic girl that they both were obsessed about. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| More realistic. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Than Tiffany. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is she more realistic? | ||
| Because Tiffany's married now or something, and they went through. | ||
| So is Alyssa Milano? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| She made it a long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't know. | ||
| But it's good. | ||
| So it's called very creepy and very fun to watch. | ||
| It's called I Think We're Alone Now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| And then after it was over, there's another movie all about Dolly Parton stalkers. | ||
| I forget the name of it, but there's five Dolly Parton stalkers. | ||
| And I watched that too. | ||
| And it's also good. | ||
| It's about Tiffany. | ||
| The other one's about Dolly Parton, too. | ||
| High Plains Drifter is the movie. | ||
| That is the movie. | ||
| He comes back as a ghost and he kills everybody. | ||
| They killed him. | ||
| They whipped him to death. | ||
| Best movies are made in the 70s of all time. | ||
| Can't even fuck with it. | ||
| Warriors, fucking, you can't even fuck with it. | ||
| The list goes on. | ||
| Can't even fuck with it. | ||
| Fuck box office. | ||
| I'm talking about creativity. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of talent ones. | ||
| You know, the getaway with McQueen was out. | ||
| All the Charles Bronson great ones were done in the 70s. | ||
| All those movies were original. | ||
| These dumb fucks today are just remaking shit. | ||
| And these Momos with their fucking things are going to see it. | ||
| I wouldn't go fucking see that shit. | ||
| I wouldn't go see none of that shit, Doug. | ||
| I don't go see none of that shit. | ||
| What shit? | ||
| Any of these movies that come out? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I'm going to go see Planet of the Apes because I'm a Planet of the Apes guy since 1970. | ||
| I'm going to go give it a chance. | ||
| But besides that, all these movies I wipe my ass with, Doug. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Well, I think something that was going on in the 70s, the same was going on with music. | ||
| You know, I've been on this Leonard Skinner kick for the last month. | ||
| I listened to Leonard Skinner like almost every Skydiver. | ||
| I got him in my CD right now. | ||
| Almost every day. | ||
| Since I bought that CD, I've been calling me the breeze. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| Let's keep it rolling. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| And the story of what they done is. | ||
| Dude, it's good, dude. | ||
| Don't ever mock Leonard Skinner, you fuck. | ||
| Music today is garbage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| The fucking music today is so fucking bad. | ||
| Except for the fucking Black Keys and fucking the Foo Fighters. | ||
| And everybody else could suck my dick because it's garbage. | ||
| It all sounds the same. | ||
| Fucking Black Keys. | ||
| Throw that on. | ||
| They got a video of them. | ||
| Two motherfuckers playing in Tennessee at a fucking record store. | ||
| Go ahead, put it on. | ||
| A guitar player and a fucking drum. | ||
| That's talent. | ||
| The Foo Fighters. | ||
| Everything else, all these kids sent me these videos. | ||
| Like, look at these guys redoing Black Sabbath. | ||
| You can't redo Black Sabbath, bitch. | ||
| Can't redo Black Sabbath. | ||
| They're Oasis, dude. | ||
| Oasis can suck my dick, dog. | ||
| They ain't the fucking music. | ||
| Oasis? | ||
| They can't. | ||
| We did Black Sabbath? | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| They can't touch what's going on what we grew up with. | ||
| It's garbage, bro. | ||
| What the Black Keys are is real musicians. | ||
| Real musicians. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| Right now, the music industry is dying, and they can blame it all they want. | ||
| Nobody wants to go see these people live. | ||
| Can you imagine going? | ||
| I love Rihanna, but it's 45 minutes of deadtime if you go see Rihanna. | ||
| But please don't stop the Music and the other song, you're just standing there watching somebody sing over fucking music. | ||
| There's no instruments on stage, and that's half of these fucking shows. | ||
| Well, it's also a recession, man. | ||
| It's hard to sell tickets for anything. | ||
| Music is music. | ||
| When the Eagles played last year for $350, Place was sold, they did it three nights. | ||
| Fuck the recession. | ||
| Music is music. | ||
| That's why all these old-timers are coming back because the new kids can't perform live. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Go look at your schedules. | ||
| Everybody's back. | ||
| Even Steve Miller, his grandson came back. | ||
| See, you could go on stage and say you're Steve Miller, and no one would know the difference. | ||
| Nobody knows what Steve Miller was. | ||
| I could fly like an eagle, bro. | ||
| Oh, it's genius. | ||
| Jungle love. | ||
| Jungle love. | ||
| Stop driving me, man. | ||
| Listen to the funk that motherfucking Steve Miller had. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| Tick tock together. | ||
| Don't make me play that no more. | ||
| Yeah, he was genius, man. | ||
| Steve Miller is the only guy who made it famous, made huge hits, and he just never got a fucking picture taken of him. | ||
| Why would you? | ||
| I know there's pictures of him, but you know what Mick Jagger looks like, man. | ||
| It's unmistakable. | ||
| Mick Jagger walks into a restaurant. | ||
| You fucking go, oh shit, Mick Jagger's here. | ||
| Steve Miller can go to Target in his underwear, and no one knows. | ||
| That's true, right? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| What the fuck was going on in the 70s that led to this big creative explosion? | ||
| I mean, the 60s and the 70s. | ||
| Reefer and good acid and no bullshit. | ||
| You had to bring it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great food. | |
| What are you eating? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Whatever the fuck they are. | ||
| What? | ||
| Your candies. | ||
| You're eating cough drops. | ||
| Those are laxatives. | ||
| Those are cough drops. | ||
| Eating with a mouthful of cough drops. | ||
| The acid was pure. | ||
| The people were pure. | ||
| They had less time to fucking take up their mind. | ||
| Today we have all this garbage to take up our mind. | ||
| The creativity was more. | ||
| Listen to, and everybody was great. | ||
| From Jimi Hendrix, listen to the shit Jimi Hendrix put out. | ||
| Listen to the cutting edge shit fucking that Leonard Skinnett put out. | ||
| That was cutting edge. | ||
| Let's face it. | ||
| Let's get down to basics here. | ||
| They were fucking rednecks guy. | ||
| Yeah, from Florida. | ||
| Yeah, you want to listen to some other rednecks? | ||
| Put the Allman brothers on. | ||
| Put all those bands on. | ||
| These guys had nothing to lose. | ||
| They had nothing to lose, bro. | ||
| Joey, you know what you need to do? | ||
| You need to do an info commercial for one of those CDs, like the songs of the 70s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| You know what you need to listen to? | ||
| You need to listen. | ||
| It's hands down. | ||
| It's hands down. | ||
| It doesn't even compare. | ||
| You can't even compare. | ||
| You haven't heard. | ||
| It's garbage. | ||
| You haven't heard what? | ||
| Lady Yanko. | ||
| Garbage. | ||
| It's one song, two albums, three albums. | ||
| They can't cut the spread, bro. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| Look at the Who, 90 fucking albums. | ||
| Led Zeppelin, 10 albums. | ||
| Pink Floyd put out four albums in a row that most bands could never even release. | ||
| Fuck Piper and the Gates of Dawn and all that noise. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Just the war. | ||
| That's their first album. | ||
| It's just freaky things. | ||
| People hitting cowbells and shit for acid heads. | ||
| And people come up to you. | ||
| That shit was great. | ||
| Listen, go hit yourself in the head with a fucking ham. | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| But bro. | ||
| Dark Side of the Moon. | ||
| Metal, Dark Side of the Moon, Animals, The War. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's something that no band has ever come out with five albums in a row like that. | ||
| How beautiful is Dark Side of the Moon, too, where every song flows into the next? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Flows and it's one insane. | |
| To do acid to that is the prettiest thing in the world because Pink Floyd did something that nobody else did. | ||
| They tap into your soul when you do acid. | ||
| If you listen to all their music, it always has the boom boom. | ||
| I got molested to comfortably numb. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, by this 21-year-old girl who lived up the street. | ||
| You got molested by a girl also? | ||
| I was 13. | ||
| She was 21. | ||
| She was a town slut. | ||
| She molested everybody. | ||
| She didn't do much. | ||
| Just kind of grabbed my dick and I was an age. | ||
| But it was like, whoa. | ||
| But it was crazy because she had like a, I think I've told a story before. | ||
| She had a grown man who was a boyfriend. | ||
| He had hair on his chest and shit. | ||
| I was a little boy. | ||
| I was 13. | ||
| But this girl was all kinds of fucked up. | ||
| But she turned me on to a lot of 70s music, man. | ||
| This crazy bitch was into, she was into Zeppelin. | ||
| She turned me on to Black Dog. | ||
| And she turned me on to Comfortably Numb. | ||
| Nothing like Pink Floyd for the acid shit. | ||
| And that's what it was. | ||
| They were genius. | ||
| Everything that everybody talked about, all these people that wrote books on acid, they did it through music, which everybody could suck my dick. | ||
| That's why I listened to nobody would talk about drugs and psychotic. | ||
| There's a great story about Roger Waters in Rolling Stone that I read. | ||
| He was on the cover because, you know, he's making a comeback. | ||
| Yo, fuck that. | ||
| They're back, dog. | ||
| And watch what happens next year. | ||
| See if there's a recession for them. | ||
| If they charge $350 without David Gilmore, that's going to be a $500 ticket for Gilmore. | ||
| Let's see if there's a recession for them. | ||
| Let's see about the record sales or the recession. | ||
| Big God! | ||
| There's no recession for good fucking. | ||
| That's 30 years. | ||
| The war was a masterpiece 30 fucking one years ago. | ||
| It's like doing your act 31 years and never writing a joke. | ||
| Well, they hit a high that is almost like a level of perfection. | ||
| Perfection. | ||
| Like that song, Time. | ||
| Perfection. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I was just on my way up here. | ||
| Taken away. | ||
| And just the animals concept. | ||
| That's the makeup of it. | ||
| The animals' concept is about the world. | ||
| It's about the four people living in the world. | ||
| Sheep, pigs, and fucking dogs. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's what we are. | ||
| Sheep. | ||
| The pigs are the politician, and the dogs are the motherfucker that sling dick. | ||
| The rest of them are fucking sheep. | ||
| And they got three types of sheep. | ||
| And that's what the album is about. | ||
| It's three types of sheep for fucking sheep, people who think everything's cool. | ||
| And oh, Lou Reed. | ||
| Three types of sheep. | ||
| Lou Reed. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You don't like Lou Reed? | ||
| One of these he's done. | ||
| Oh, he did that Walk in the Wild side. | ||
| 35 fucking years ago. | ||
| You know what Lou Reed is good for? | ||
| Pretending you're cool. | ||
| If you like Lou Reed, if you're cool. | ||
| Lou Reed and Inga Roffalo, you know, they're all the same cousins. | ||
| Yeah, he lives in the East Village, man. | ||
| Walks around with a leather jacket on. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a leather jacket and smokes camels. | ||
| He doesn't even use filters. | ||
| 30 fucking years ago was. | ||
| I'll tell you what, that one song is Walk on the Wild Sides of Bad. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| But tomorrow, when I leave here tonight, I want you to go on your YouTube and just press Lou Reed. | ||
| No reason. | ||
| And I want you to hit three songs from Lou Reed and call me. | ||
| Somebody tried to convince me that Iggy Pop was really good. | ||
| He's like, you got to listen to Iggy Pop is with the Stooges. | ||
| And he plays, he sends me this link. | ||
| So I go and click on this link and listen to this fucking song. | ||
| And I'm like, this is so uncoordinated. | ||
| It's all over the place. | ||
| I mean, maybe if you're a big-ass Iggy Pop fan already, maybe if you liked it already and you got into this style of, but then I get that way about like some music that people go nuts for, like the dead. | ||
| I don't understand the dead. | ||
| It doesn't, a few of their songs, I think, are really good, but a lot of it just doesn't ring with me. | ||
| And I think it's like a frequency that I'm just not tuned into that other people are. | ||
| I went to see them and they run with me until I smelled those motherfuckers. | ||
| The smell of those filthy fucking animals is ridiculous. | ||
| And I lived in Boulder, which that's where they conglomerate, those filthy fucking animals. | ||
| They were everywhere when I lived there. | ||
| Feet and armpit and breadth and hair and ass. | ||
| Like some people just smell armpit. | ||
| You know, I can live with an armpit. | ||
| But the deadheads, it was like ass and feet and fucking breath and ears. | ||
| Who has stinky fucking ears besides the German Shepherd? | ||
| Those fucking deadheads have stinky fucking ears. | ||
| I went to see the dead. | ||
| Why are you smelling their ears? | ||
| They were next to me at a concert at Red Rocks. | ||
| I went to see the dead Santana and public enemy. | ||
| Nobody put that schedule together. | ||
| Dead Santana and Public Enemy and one of them. | ||
| And a bunch of black people with guns and a bunch of stinky people with no fucking soap. | ||
| And somebody actually shot a gun at the fucking concert and the deadheads went crazy. | ||
| But then Santana came on and did a Black Magic Woman Dog and it was awful. | ||
| Even that. | ||
| Even that. | ||
| Listen to the Hybraxis. | ||
| Get yourself the first or the second Santana album. | ||
| Listen to that brilliance. | ||
| This fucking Mexican kid took a guitar and turned fucking rock music and he mixed it with Spanish music and those fucking first two albums are brilliant. | ||
| Oyeco Mova and fucking Black Magic Woman. | ||
| What the fuck happened to that one dude that made that really successful song with him recently, like within the last 10 years? | ||
| Oh, just wanted to talk about it. | ||
| What is that song? | ||
| That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. | ||
| What happened to that? | ||
| Great fucking singer, great fucking writer. | ||
| I mean, that dude is bad. | ||
| That dude made all those songs, wrote songs for a bunch of people. | ||
| And I think Matchbox broke up. | ||
| And then he went and did that song with Santana. | ||
| I think Matchbox put another album out. | ||
| He put a pretty nice, it wasn't a bad single album. | ||
| You know that song? | ||
| That song with Santana, though, was smoking. | ||
| Good. | ||
| God damn, it's one of those songs where it's like the perfect harmony of his voice and Santana. | ||
| And Santana was one of those dudes that he put out a Santana song. | ||
| And I had to figure this out when I was a kid. | ||
| And I was like, wait a minute, this is a different dude singing every time. | ||
| I was like, I don't get it. | ||
| And then I realized, oh, oh, oh, it's not even about, he's such a bad motherfucker. | ||
| It's not even about the singer. | ||
| It's about the guitarist. | ||
| It's that one dude, Carlos Santana. | ||
| His shit is so tight and so badass that no matter who the fuck is singing. | ||
| Yeah, it's a Santana song, bitch. | ||
| The vocals and the song itself almost play second fiddle to that goddamn guitar. | ||
| Now, what an amazing dude that guy is. | ||
| Because who the fuck else can claim that? | ||
| I guess there's a few other guys that do that. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Like... | ||
| Richie Blackmore was a fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dave Beckmore. | ||
| Dave Beckmore. | ||
| I forget too. | ||
| Fucking. | ||
| Jeff Beck. | ||
| Jeff Beck. | ||
| Jeff Beck was another guitarist who can put out songs that weren't really Jeff Beck. | ||
| I mean, it was, you know, he called it Jeff Beck song, but it was just because of his guitar. | ||
| Well, he was an egotistical motherfucker. | ||
| Remember, he did that jam with Rod Stewart early in the morning. | ||
| I can't sleep. | ||
| Remember, Daniel? | ||
| That was a great song. | ||
| Infatuation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was him. | ||
| And then he canceled before the fucking tour. | ||
| What? | ||
| So he left Rod Stewart go out there alone with Alec because he's an egomaniac. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So he didn't want to deal with being second fiddle to Rod Stewart? | ||
| Yeah, Rod Stewart was too fucking strong. | ||
| Jeff Beck has a great guitar, but you can't fuck with Maggie Mae. | ||
| That dude, I saw Rod Stewart last night in some show that was like an infomercial where they were advertising some album series. | ||
| It was CDs and DVDs with all these, I guess it was all DVDs. | ||
| It was all musicians and comedians from some midnight special show. | ||
| And Rod Stewart was one of them. | ||
| Rocking on there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rocking. | ||
| You wear it well. | ||
| And he's out there looking like a lady. | ||
| He looks like an ugly lady. | ||
| He's in this little skinny guy in this weird outfit. | ||
| And he's prancing around stage in this weird way. | ||
| But his songs are so goddamn good. | ||
| They're so soulful. | ||
| He had some fucking songs, man. | ||
| Maggie Mae. | ||
| You wear it well. | ||
| Infatuation. | ||
| He's got an album called Blonde. | ||
| Infatuation was already when he was starting. | ||
| But no, no. | ||
| He get weird. | ||
| He's got an album called Blondes. | ||
| Have more fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vince Cameron. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He got a song on there called You're Insane. | ||
| It is fucking bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I listen to it every once in a while. | ||
| You got to find it on YouTube. | ||
| It's in there deep. | ||
| But Rod Stewart, I went to see him. | ||
| I never seen fuck Van Halen. | ||
| I seen bitches sucking dick right at the show. | ||
| When Rod Stewart got on stage, there was two people who made you want to suck a dick, and that's Rod Stewart and Kenny Rogers, the dude with the white hair. | ||
| Women would be sucking dick right at the show. | ||
| As soon as that motherfucker started singing, lady. | ||
| But Rod Stewart had such a unique voice, such a unique voice, like vocally, and like the shit that he sang about. | ||
| Like the way he would sing. | ||
| They were kind of vulnerable songs, but in a weird way. | ||
| Like Maggie Mae. | ||
| Wake up, Maggie. | ||
| I think I got something to say to you. | ||
| It's late September and I really should be back in school. | ||
| Like, what is this song? | ||
| Like, what is it about? | ||
| It's like some guy who's trying to find himself, you know, steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. | ||
| You know, find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helping hand. | ||
| Oh, Maggie. | ||
| I mean, like, the songs were so weird and unusual, man. | ||
| Like, his, just his stylistically, the things that he was into singing about, you know, he was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| A real unique voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish I'd never seen your face. | |
| That is such a bad fucking thing. | ||
| God damn, that's a good song. | ||
| That's a song that's like, it's still, no matter where you are, when that song comes on, you're happy. | ||
| You know, I will stay in my car until he, I mean, even if I'm in a rush, until he said, steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing. | ||
| Every time you're in the car and something good comes on, I lose your time. | ||
| I just gotta sit. | ||
| I gotta sit tight. | ||
| I don't care if I'm late. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| I'll go to your house. | ||
| Dude, I would have been here five minutes ago, but fucking Maggie Mae was on. | ||
| And I'm, you know, I gotta, out of respect, I gotta listen to that song. | ||
| There's a few songs. | ||
| There's a few songs. | ||
| Call Me the Breeze. | ||
| Call Me the Breeze comes on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Playing Her Sisters Jump. | ||
| I like Double Trouble. | ||
| I like fucking all that crazy skinny shit. | ||
| They got another one on that album I got on inside that is just so fucking crazy. | ||
| You know, I knew in high school, when I was 14 years old, when Jump came out, Van Halen's Jump came out, I knew there was something wrong with using keyboards. | ||
| I knew back then, like, because everybody was into Van Halen when I was in high school, okay? | ||
| When I was in high school in 1981, it was my freshman year of high school. | ||
| And my sister's boyfriend at the time was this kid. | ||
| His name was Jeff. | ||
| And he was John. | ||
| Yeah, John Jewett. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| And he was really into Van Halen to the point where, he's going to be mad at me if I got his name. | ||
| I'm high, dog. | ||
| And he was really into Van Halen to the point where he had it on his license plate. | ||
| His license plate was Van Halen on his car. | ||
| And everybody was into Van Halen. | ||
| And then the new Van Halen came out. | ||
| It was 1984. | ||
| That was the album, right, wasn't it? | ||
| With Jump. | ||
| The new album came out, I remember in high school. | ||
| And everybody was like, oh, the new Van Halen's out. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| And I was like, dude, I'm like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I remember thinking, this is lacking in soul. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Lacking in soul. | ||
| Jump. | ||
| That song, Jump. | ||
| Might as well jump. | ||
| That song. | ||
| That keyboard, that electronic keyboard, man. | ||
| That is not as good. | ||
| They were done after. | ||
| You hear Running with the Devil. | ||
| You know, Hot for Teacher. | ||
| You know, those are real songs. | ||
| But Jump. | ||
| What's the album with Mean? | ||
| What? | ||
| What song? | ||
| What album is Mean Streets on? | ||
| That's their shit. | ||
| That's their best album. | ||
| Oh, God damn. | ||
| Mean Streets is good. | ||
| That's their best album. | ||
| That's their best album before they broke up. | ||
| When that album came out, it's when boomboxes were becoming popular. | ||
| Remember, everyone had them over their shoulders. | ||
| They had stereo boomboxes. | ||
| And that song was one of the first songs I remember hearing in just awesome stereo. | ||
| It seemed so future. | ||
| Like 80s was all about breakdancing and, you know, like the future and stuff like that. | ||
| Women and children first. | ||
| No, that was the second one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, that was the third. | ||
| So it's Van Halen 1. | ||
| Fair warning. | ||
| Fair warning. | ||
| That's a bad fucking thing. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Fair warning. | ||
| Lord, strike that poor boy down. | ||
| Yeah, they had some fucking jams. | ||
| No, they had some good fucking jams. | ||
| Unchained. | ||
| Yeah, Mean Streets, Unchained. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| This is love. | ||
| I hung out with David Lee Roth at the comedy store once. | ||
| All videotaped. | ||
| Yeah, he is cool as fuck. | ||
| We had to not release it because he talked a lot of shit about some people. | ||
| He didn't want it released. | ||
| But he actually contacted you, right? | ||
| The next day, his fellow, the guy who works for him, contacted Brian. | ||
| He's like, please, please don't release that. | ||
| Because David Lee Roth, he's just a free talker. | ||
| He just hangs around and starts talking shit. | ||
| He was talking shit about girls. | ||
| He was talking shit about people in other bands and music that sucks and guys who can't fucking... | ||
| He's got a little bit. | ||
| He can't carry the spread. | ||
| He's got a little bit of that in him. | ||
| But he was funny, man. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's a real guy. | ||
| And he had a real band and something happened and they replaced him with that fake fucking Sammy Hagar Twice open for Sabbath when they had Dio and people were spitting at him in Philadelphia. | ||
| In Philadelphia, they were rolling the spit off their fingers. | ||
| They call it like whatever they do when they throw it at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember watching fucking the singer and spit was just flying by him and he's trying to duck it and shit. | ||
| Then it was like, I always did that. | ||
| Did you like David Leroth when he did his own solo stuff? | ||
| No. | ||
| I ain't got no bones. | ||
| No. | ||
| David Leroth needed Eddie Van Halen and Eddie Van Halen needed. | ||
| Look, man, it's not just one person, man. | ||
| It's fucking teams. | ||
| It's the creative juices of everybody together. | ||
| That's the really interesting shit. | ||
| It's just hard to get that to work because you got egos. | ||
| And then you got Valerie Bertinelli, who most likely probably wanted to fuck David Lee Roth, but couldn't get him and got Eddie Van Halen instead. | ||
| And then shit got weird. | ||
| And she was like, why do you keep him around? | ||
| He's such an egomaniac. | ||
| You know, because she really wanted to fuck David Lee Roth. | ||
| At least that's what I would assume. | ||
| But David Lee Roth was cool as fuck, man. | ||
| He was one of the first guys that, like, he came up to me after the show, and I was actually like nervous. | ||
| I was like nervous to talk to David Lee Roth. | ||
| And when he was telling me I was funny, you know, like, dude, I fucking loved it. | ||
| I was great. | ||
| He was like, I had no idea. | ||
| I thought you were just that Fear Factor guy. | ||
| You were fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit, I'm talking to David Lee Roth. | ||
| Like, for me, going back to Newton South High School in 1983, you know, listening to the, you know, sitting out in the courtyard with everybody, listening on the cassette player, listening to fucking Van Halen. | ||
| Then all of a sudden I'm sitting here, just me and Eddie Bravo and Brian, and we're hanging out in front of the goddamn comedy store. | ||
| There's no one even surrounding him. | ||
| There's no mobs of people. | ||
| We're just hanging out. | ||
| He just showed up unannounced on like some random Tuesday or Wednesday or something like that, hung out in the back of the, paid for his fucking ticket, hung out in the back of the club like a normal person, and then came out to give me props. | ||
| And I'm sitting there talking to David Lee Roth, and I'm shell-shocked. | ||
| I'm like, I'm talking, I'm like, I can't even believe I'm talking to David Lee Roth. | ||
| And we're talking about my comedy. | ||
| I'm talking to David Lee Roth about how much he liked my set. | ||
| I'm like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| This is bizarre. | ||
| It's tough when you see people at the store and they're not looking for attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you see somebody who's not looking for attention, like I seen Chris Cornell at the store one night and a Wednesday night, and I kept looking at him going, I know this motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, I seen Dr. Dre there. | ||
| A couple of times. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen Dr. Dre there a couple times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were there one night when he came in with that chick. | ||
| The black chick. | ||
| Michelle A. No. | ||
| That's the one he was married to, right? | ||
| He was married to her, but he came in not dating her, but he came in with her. | ||
| Like they were out in a night, and they all went up there to see Eddie Griffith. | ||
| I can't remember what her name is. | ||
| Cute little chick with black hair. | ||
| She's got a reality show now with all her black sisters. | ||
| And we all kind of look the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did. | |
| She's in Vegas now. | ||
| I got to think of her name. | ||
| She's a comic? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She's a big-time singer. | ||
| Big-time singer. | ||
| Big-time black singer. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, I don't know who that would be. | ||
| But the comedy store was famous for that because the comedy store, even though it's run by retards, it's a goddamn Hollywood landmark. | ||
| I mean, that spot, first of all, I would always be just completely baffled that here. | ||
| I mean, this is no recession going on. | ||
| This is, you know, the heyday of the, you know, the 90s and the early 2000s, and it's across the street from the House of Blues, and yet on a Friday night, there's nobody there. | ||
| On a Friday night, there's fucking 50 people in the OR. | ||
| Like, this is criminal. | ||
| You guys have the greatest spot on the planet Earth. | ||
| Not only does it have the greatest name in the history of comedy, not only is it a place where Richard Pryor filmed live at the fucking Sunset Strip. | ||
| I mean, this is an amazing place in history. | ||
| And yet there's 50 people there on a Friday night. | ||
| Like, that's how fucked up it was. | ||
| But it's such a Hollywood icon that people are always going to gravitate to that spot just to peek in. | ||
| You know, it's like it's what it is, is basically LA's version of the comedy cellar, except it's not as good. | ||
| It's not run the same way. | ||
| It's not as like the comedy cellar in New York is where all the top guys go and fuck around and work out. | ||
| It's like known. | ||
| And it's got like a restaurant attached to it. | ||
| People eat there and shit. | ||
| You know, Jimmy Norton wrote his book there. | ||
| I mean, he brings a laptop and dudes are always hanging out there. | ||
| It's a real like a place where all the comics come. | ||
| But in LA, the comedy store is the closest thing. | ||
| It was like the closest icon place. | ||
| I mean, the improv is the best club in town, but the comedy store has the best name. | ||
| It's got the best feel. | ||
| It's got the best location. | ||
| Have you been to the Long Beach Laugh Factory? | ||
| I just went there the other day. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah, that's a great location. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| What is the deal with that? | ||
| Can you go if you're not friends with Joe Coy? | ||
| He has no boosted no more. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He left Jamie. | ||
| But he used to keep all the Filipinos out, right? | ||
| All the Asians. | ||
| All the Asians. | ||
| He didn't want anybody making any Asian jokes. | ||
| And he would work. | ||
| He wanted only his Filipino jokes. | ||
| Did you watch Louie, the new Louis show with Dane Cook? | ||
| I watched it online. | ||
| I watched that segment. | ||
| Was there more than one segment with Louie or with Dane Cook? | ||
| No, it starts off with Jim Martin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I watched it. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| It was like there's a little bit of revisionist history there. | ||
| Do you think it was unscripted? | ||
| It almost seemed to look real. | ||
| Like, it almost seemed like they actually just sat down. | ||
| No, I think they worked it out. | ||
| I worked out the beats and then they did it. | ||
| But I didn't like the argument. | ||
| I thought Dane's argument was kind of silly. | ||
| Like, why didn't you stick up for me? | ||
| Like, you didn't say that I didn't steal from you. | ||
| Like, I've never stolen. | ||
| Why would I steal a joke? | ||
| I never stole a joke ever. | ||
| Like, the argument was, like, really strange. | ||
| Well, yeah, I guess if you really think Dane Cook was guilty, then yeah. | ||
| There was one of the jokes. | ||
| I don't know if Dane Cook was guilty, but I do know he saw Louis C.K. do those jokes before he did them. | ||
| And that's enough. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| All three of them are on the same CD. | ||
| And Louis did those in front of him. | ||
| And he did it in front of everybody. | ||
| He did it in front of all of us. | ||
| It's not that, look, Louis C.K. is the most prolific guy working today. | ||
| He puts out a new hour every year. | ||
| But back then, he didn't. | ||
| Back then, Louis was doing the same act for a long fucking time. | ||
| So those bits, the bit about a guy getting hit by a car, he did that bit for years. | ||
| Did you know who did it before him? | ||
| The dude about a guy getting hit by a car? | ||
| Steve Martin. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Steve Martin did the naming the child. | ||
| Naming the child a crazy name. | ||
| I thought he also. | ||
| You get the wrong bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hit by a car too? | ||
| About where you're trying to say something to him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, or something like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think you're wrong. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| You might be wrong. | ||
| It's been like 20 years. | ||
| I'm pretty sure you're wrong. | ||
| I'm pretty sure the Steve Martin joke that, and this is true, that Steve Martin came up with a bit that's really similar to both Dane's bit and Louis CK's bit, that if I have a kid, I'm going to name him some crazy name that's unpronounceable. | ||
| You know, this is being silly. | ||
| Like, that's not stealing. | ||
| I mean, obviously, those guys, well, you know what? | ||
| It is kind of stealing. | ||
| Look, if those guys had heard Steve Martin and forgot about it and then reintroduced the joke, you know, like didn't realize that they had like just forgotten it. | ||
| But you got to stop doing it once you hear about Steve Martin's bit. | ||
| But the difference is Louis was doing it in front of Dane. | ||
| So whether or not Dane is, you know, a joke thief, you know, look, I like Dane. | ||
| I think he's a talented guy. | ||
| I think he's a great marketer. | ||
| And I think he's a good person. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| But I also think he's wildly ambitious. | ||
| And I think that sometimes when you're wildly ambitious, you don't even realize what you're doing and you're doing it. | ||
| You don't mean to do it, but you start doing it and those bits work and then you don't want to let them go. | ||
| And even though someone's like, hey man, that sounds like Joe Diaz's bit, you don't want to let them go because they are weapons and you use them and you use them to get what you want, which is you want love. | ||
| You want that love and adulation. | ||
| You want to be killing up there and you get addicted to it and you can't let it go. | ||
| And if he's addicted, if he's guilty of anything, he's guilty of that. | ||
| So that's why I thought it was the argument was weird. | ||
| I was like, man, you guys are like, you know, it's weird, you know? | ||
| But I liked how Louis's such a good dude, man. | ||
| You know, like even his whole, the way he's approaching, like, I didn't like what people were saying about you and I didn't like that people were, you know, getting mad at you. | ||
| And I was like, wow, like he's, he's just a, you know, one of the reasons why he's doing so well is that he's, he's just like, the way he thinks is a good way to think. | ||
| He's a good, good guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He sticks to his fucking word. | ||
| He's not like these other pukes that we have around us 24 fucking hours a day in LA. | ||
| I seen Louie. | ||
| He came up to me with the comedy store. | ||
| I used to host on Sunday nights. | ||
| And he would come up and do a set every night, very polite. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one night he came up to me. | ||
| He goes, are you available next week, bro? | ||
| And I go, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, I want to put you on my show. | ||
| He took my name and number, and I went out and did a gram of Coke and never thought anything of it. | ||
| Two days later, he called me, and he paid me more than anybody else has ever paid me. | ||
| And he took care of me. | ||
| And he had me there for the week. | ||
| And he came in his word. | ||
| So because of that, I give him my loyalty forever because he's one of the few of all these fucking weak motherfuckers we got around us that sticks to his fucking word. | ||
| He's a real dude. | ||
| He's a real fucking dude. | ||
| And I give him props. | ||
| I don't give none of these fucking measly motherfuckers props. | ||
| But Louie deserves my heart because he put me on television without ever expecting anything from me. | ||
| And he just told me he was going to put me on it. | ||
| And two days later, he called. | ||
| And I respect that to the end. | ||
| Especially, like I said, with these fucking mutts we have around us. | ||
| As a comedian, he's the most inspirational guy to me. | ||
| And I think to everybody because he's the most prolific. | ||
| Like, you can argue over who makes you laugh the most because I would say you make me laugh the most. | ||
| You're my favorite guy to watch. | ||
| I think there's some moments. | ||
| The moment when we were hanging out at the Bray Improv and you were on stage, we were doing the weekend there and you did that fucking bit about dead dick, about you don't accept dead dick, and you made it up on the fly. | ||
| He goes, you take two popsicle sticks and you tie that dick up and you throw it back in like a wounded soldier. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| And when you said when you said when you said it, I knew you had-libbed it because I know your act by heart. | ||
| And you knew you had-libbed it, and it fucking destroyed it. | ||
| You are beat red in the face, laughing at your own shit. | ||
| What do you want me to do? | ||
| And me and Ari Shafir are in the back of the room, and we just go, he's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Nobody makes me laugh harder than you, but Louis C.K. is more prolific. | ||
| He's the most prolific guy. | ||
| Two conversations about stand-up with Louie in my active my life has changed. | ||
| I'm telling you this right off the bat. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| I had two conversations. | ||
| I think he's changing the way a lot of comics do it, and he's making guys write more. | ||
| What was the conversations that you had with him? | ||
| I had a conversation about storytelling and about jokes. | ||
| And he said that he had watched me and that my material was a little fucking crazy, but he loved it. | ||
| He respected it. | ||
| But he goes, you have so much more to tell people. | ||
| He goes, I want you to talk about what is dark to you. | ||
| That's why I started talking about mugging the hooker. | ||
| That's why I started talking about all the crimes I had done out loud. | ||
| And that's why I'm writing them on stage now. | ||
| You know what you need to talk about on stage? | ||
| What, brother? | ||
| You need to talk about finding your dead mother when you were high on acid. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta tell about that on stage, bro. | |
| I got to go. | ||
| Joe, I got nowhere to go. | ||
| After you find your dead mother on the floor, Jesus can't follow you. | ||
| Jesus can't fuck her. | ||
| I tried it already. | ||
| You could end with it. | ||
| You could end with it. | ||
| And what about the rest of the fucking show? | ||
| I got to have breadbang on it. | ||
| Don't let him eat it this way for 20 minutes. | ||
| It is so bad. | ||
| You know, it's like going up to somebody and going, hey, bro, how you doing? | ||
| You ever go up to somebody like by mistake and go, hey, bro, how you doing? | ||
| How's your brother? | ||
| You're like, oh, he just died. | ||
| How bad do you feel? | ||
| At a comedy show, in a one-man show setting, I could do it. | ||
| But at a comedy show, I can't do it soon. | ||
| Don't Cap Williams it. | ||
| It's too hard to recover from it. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| He just tried to change his act over the weekend in Ontario. | ||
| What did Cap Williams? | ||
| Tell me what happened. | ||
| He tried to do something different, supposedly. | ||
| Like he tried to do more of a serious kind of like one-man show. | ||
| In Ontario? | ||
| Where? | ||
| Ontario, California. | ||
| At the improv? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the audience wasn't. | ||
| I wish I knew he was there. | ||
| I would have wanted to see him. | ||
| The audience wasn't having it. | ||
| And so they started like, I guess, booing or doing something like that. | ||
| And then Kat started screaming at him or doing something. | ||
| And then the Ontario improv, this is, by the way, all based off TMZ. | ||
| Ontario Improv kicked him off stage and kicked him out of the building. | ||
| And then he wouldn't leave. | ||
| And so then they called the police. | ||
| And then the police had to take him off the premises and they canceled the whole weekend. | ||
| Well, he's definitely crazy because he keeps getting arrested and there's a lot of shit going on with him. | ||
| He got caught with guns a couple times. | ||
| But he did a show recently in New Mexico and a bunch of people wanted their money back because he got on stage. | ||
| The show was a nine o'clock show. | ||
| He didn't get on stage until like midnight. | ||
| And he goes on stage. | ||
| The music stays on while he's on stage. | ||
| The music stays on and he's he takes his shirt off and he starts dancing and he's dancing around with a shirt off and then he starts doing push-ups and then he starts talking and push-ups. | ||
| He's doing push-ups on stage with no shirt on and then he starts talking to people in the audience. | ||
| So either he's just like trying to come up with some new material and just going deep into the crazy bin or he's really legitimately losing his mind. | ||
| He's losing his mind. | ||
| Yo, we said it before, man. | ||
| We've said it so many times. | ||
| Brilliant people. | ||
| There's a lot of brilliant people that are very close to insanity. | ||
| And I know you've been close to insanity because I've watched you be close to insanity. | ||
| Who, Joey? | ||
| Joey's been close to insanity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was normal. | ||
| For Joey, that's pretty fucking normal. | ||
| I just have to wait for that storm to end. | ||
| It's like I'm wondering. | ||
| But no, no, no. | ||
| I see. | ||
| You know, Joey. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| I feel it at times. | ||
| I feel it when I get home writing. | ||
| I gotta force myself out of the house. | ||
| I gotta watch. | ||
| You what? | ||
| It's a podcast, brother. | ||
| I gotta force myself out of the fucking house. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because that's why. | ||
| You go too into your head. | ||
| Yeah, I go into my head. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to be alone with your head sometimes. | ||
| There's moments where you need to interact with other people just to get a sense of normalcy, right? | ||
| Yeah, and I'm to the point where sometimes you're writing and you get into it and you're there and all of a sudden your fucking mind just goes somewhere, bro. | ||
| It just goes somewhere where it just hasn't been. | ||
| And with stand-ups, I could see it. | ||
| I feel myself slip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt myself slipping a lot with the coat when I was on stage. | |
| I caught myself from point. | ||
| I caught myself from four to eight. | ||
| And I would catch myself at eight. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| I was just at four. | ||
| How the fuck did I get to eight? | ||
| What I was talking about earlier about Roger Waters. | ||
| Roger Waters, the article in Rolling Stone, one of the things it was talking about is his childhood. | ||
| His dad was in the military. | ||
| His dad died when he was really young. | ||
| And, you know, he grew up with us. | ||
| I mean, there's photos of him with his dad, and all of a sudden his dad's gone, that hole, that void. | ||
| You know, there's something about loss and childhood, you know, when you're young and fucked up things happens that creates like seemingly the most brilliant people, but they're also the most likely to do something fucking crazy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Like look at fucking, look at what's going on with Dave Chappelle. | ||
| You hear what Dave Chappelle did the other day? | ||
| He goes on stage and for 45 fucking minutes, he tells one joke and then he says, this is a test of wills. | ||
| I'm not going to say nothing. | ||
| You don't say nothing either. | ||
| And like he stays up there for 45 fucking minutes. | ||
| And no, and, you know, and people are like, I just want, I just want to be entertained. | ||
| We tell some jokes. | ||
| He's like, you know, go see, go, you know, buy my DVDs. | ||
| You know, you'll be entertained. | ||
| Like, meanwhile, he's just standing on stage, like saying nothing for 45 minutes. | ||
| And again, this is a lot of hearsay, too. | ||
| I don't know the exact story of what happened, but this is what I keep hearing. | ||
| And there was another video of him going on stage at some festival, and he bombed there, too. | ||
| And he was doing the same thing, just standing on stage. | ||
| That's his new act. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that. | ||
| That's comedy. | ||
| But no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He's not doing anything, bro. | ||
| He's just standing on stage. | ||
| That's his new act. | ||
| I don't know what happens to comedians, but there's one point in a comedian's life, and I could sit here in the next 20 minutes and give you a list of them, that they think that they go from becoming comedians to thinking that I got to listen to what the fuck they're saying. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Brill was listening to, he was reading his texts. | ||
| He was getting texts while he was on stage and reading them. | ||
| He has this whole new thing, style of comedy that he's doing. | ||
| I've seen it twice. | ||
| My friend DeMar has seen it four times or three times. | ||
| And what it is, it looks very organic. | ||
| Like he starts off and he automatically starts going. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about this, but that's not what he's doing, dude. | ||
| What he was doing at that point was crazy though. | ||
| This is not what these people are saying in the show. | ||
| What they're saying is he's not doing anything. | ||
| He's standing on stage, not saying a word. | ||
| he was talking. | ||
| He wasn't just sitting there not just saying. | ||
| Dude, this latest show that I am talking to you about, I'm not talking the show that you saw. | ||
| I'm saying the show that he did recently. | ||
| He got on stage and he was talking about how this is a battle of wills. | ||
| I'm not going to say nothing. | ||
| We'll see how long we last here. | ||
| He was being quiet and he wanted them to be quiet too. | ||
| Let's see who breaks first. | ||
| He said nothing. | ||
| And people were losing their mind. | ||
| Like he told one joke and then the rest of the set, he sat around and did nothing. | ||
| There's a point with these fucking comedians that they think that they go from being a comic to social commentary. | ||
| Like they did something to, I deserve this social commentary. | ||
| And that's what's really going on. | ||
| We've seen it with Eddie Griffin. | ||
| We see it with this fucking guy now. | ||
| We see it with a bunch of comedians. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| The other night I put on that fucking green room with whatever just to watch Stanhope. | ||
| And I had to put up with your buddy from SVU and Janine Garofilo. | ||
| The guy says to him, what's the fucking guy? | ||
| Richard Belzer. | ||
| You know, guy that never said nothing funny in his whole fucking life. | ||
| And he asked Stanhope, why the fuck is he there? | ||
| But they're sitting in nights. | ||
| They're not even dead. | ||
| And he asked Stanhope, and why are you here? | ||
| And Stanhope goes, because I came to see the Suck My Dick Fest between you and Janine Garofilo. | ||
| Is that what Stanhope said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then he goes, well, literally, like trying to be cute, you know, like what these fucking idiots in Hollywood do. | ||
| Like literally, how about I get up and put my dick in your mouth and Provenza's mouth just to show you how we're going to do this here, man? | ||
| Somewhere along the line, these comics think that we need their social commentary. | ||
| And we fucking don't. | ||
| We fucking don't. | ||
| We don't give a fuck what you think. | ||
| Just tell us fucking jokes, guy. | ||
| Just tell us jokes. | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| That's where the show goes sour because nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| We pay to see you do an hour of material. | ||
| If at the last two minutes you want to summarize your set and do it, do it. | ||
| But if you're going to summarize it with bullshit that you don't live by anyway, shut your mouth and just do the fucking jokes, bro. | ||
| That's my big problem lately. | ||
| Nobody wants to shut their fucking mouth. | ||
| Either do the jokes or shut the fucking mouth. | ||
| What is all this chitter chatter about stupidity for? | ||
| That day in that green room, I'm trying to watch Stanhope, one of the most brilliant comics, a dear friend of mine. | ||
| I couldn't watch it. | ||
| Janine Garafo saying that the guy in Tucson that killed the fucking, that tried to kill the congressman was pushed to kill him because social media forced him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First of all, that's not what a comedian worries about. | |
| Did she really say that? | ||
| That's not what a Korean, a real comedian doesn't worry about that. | ||
| That's somebody who wants you to think that they care. | ||
| So like me, because I do care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't care. | |
| Yeah, you don't care about those fake tattoos you got in your arm all of a sudden. | ||
| You know, that's what they care about. | ||
| And that's what we're talking about. | ||
| Whether it's a fad or whatever the fuck, I can't deal with it no more. | ||
| You want me to make me funny, make me laugh? | ||
| I would refuse to go on stage and give you my opinion of the White House or the Tea Party because at the end of the week, it don't matter, guy. | ||
| I paid to watch you do jokes. | ||
| I want you to take me through your world, but that's it. | ||
| I don't want to hear no social commentary. | ||
| And we've seen it from a lot of comedians, bro. | ||
| After the 55-minute mark, they think, I got to listen to this shit. | ||
| Do your 55-minute comments. | ||
| Well, they also, they've developed a following of people who hang on every word. | ||
| And there's a lot of them that think they have something brilliant to say. | ||
| And so they choose the venue of stand-up comedy. | ||
| And look, this fucking podcast is a perfect example of a lot of times people have something to say that's not necessarily funny, but it's interesting. | ||
| But this is the right venue for it. | ||
| A podcast is the right venue for it. | ||
| This is not what I would ever do on stage. | ||
| When I do my set, I have a fucking set. | ||
| I'll fuck around a little bit, but I'm trying to be funny, period. | ||
| Period. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I only hear what you think. | ||
| And that's a fucking. | ||
| People used to always think that comedy should be used in some way to educate people and enlighten people. | ||
| And that's important to do that. | ||
| And almost to the point of sacrificing comedy. | ||
| Like, you know, Bill Hicks had some material that was like that, where it was not funny at all. | ||
| At the end, Bill Hicks wasn't funny. | ||
| Let's get out of the way. | ||
| At the end, the lanthanum. | ||
| It was garbage. | ||
| Listen to the live from the village gate. | ||
| That's for Momos. | ||
| You could even hear the people ready to laugh. | ||
| And it's like, oh, God. | ||
| Well, some of his stuff, like, that was actually before the live from the village gate one was earlier. | ||
| And what that was is like, he did the bit on abortion. | ||
| And this is what I'm talking about. | ||
| And he was like, you know, like, you don't want people to abortion? | ||
| Then you fucking raise them. | ||
| You fucking raise them. | ||
| That's what he was yelling out. | ||
| You fucking raise the kids. | ||
| And there's no joke. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, this is a miss. | ||
| This is a miss. | ||
| This is a comedy club. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Just yelling out, you fucking raise them and being irate. | ||
| Yes, you're right. | ||
| I see your point. | ||
| If you don't want people to have abortions, then you should raise their children. | ||
| I see what you're saying that you should get involved. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| But you're not being funny, period. | ||
| That's not a joke, you know? | ||
| And that's a thing that happens to a lot of comics. | ||
| It's they start to get people who want to listen to them. | ||
| They start to get people who think they're deep and they start listening to those people and they do this at a comedy club and they rant at a comedy club. | ||
| We've seen it happen. | ||
| We've seen it happen so many times. | ||
| There was this fucking kid from Jimmy's Comedy Hour. | ||
| God damn, I forget his name. | ||
| But he was really funny. | ||
| He was kind of crazy. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| And this was like in the late 80s, early 90s. | ||
| And he came to Hollywood. | ||
| He drove to LA and was working at the comedy store for a while. | ||
| Do you remember the kid? | ||
| Kind of good looking guy, but overweight. | ||
| I fucking forget his name. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
| But he was a perfect example of that. | ||
| He would go on stage and at the comedy store, they fucking tortured him. | ||
| They tortured him. | ||
| He'd go on stage and try to be like deep and meaningful. | ||
| When he was funny, he could be really funny. | ||
| Like he had some good bits. | ||
| He had a fucking good bit about a hair club for men. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| You know, they show the guy, you know, like playing tennis and they show the guy swimming. | ||
| He goes, what they should show a guy is pulling out and shooting his fucking load on some chick's back, you know, and she goes, nice hair. | ||
| He had a fucking real good bit about it. | ||
| He had some good bits. | ||
| We went to the store one night, me and you, I don't even think we smoked pot or something. | ||
| We were sitting in the back. | ||
| You know, like when you go to an open mic and you sit down. | ||
| Just sit down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We do that all the time. | ||
| Italian kid that went up that was older and he goes, hi, let me give you an impersonation of my Italian family portrait. | ||
| Remember me and you were in the back and we just died. | ||
| Like it's the dumbest joke ever. | ||
| He goes, this is, what was the joke? | ||
| This is my impersonation of my, this is a portrait of my Italian family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, he went like this. | ||
| He was leaning for folks at home. | ||
| That's the only joke he had with his hands up like someone's trying to take his picture. | ||
| But you and me looked at each other and were like, whoa. | ||
| Sometimes I was telling somebody, the best joke I heard that took me off my fucking ever was Charlie Hill at the store when you're stone talking to somebody and he's backed and he goes, How you doing? | ||
| My name is Charlie Hill. | ||
| My real name was Mountain, but I shortened it. | ||
| Dog, I fucking lost my fucking cookies at that dumb joke. | ||
| That's because you're high. | ||
| No, but that night I was. | ||
| Joe Rogan, cocksucker, Milwaukee this weekend. | ||
| I can't fucking wait past theater. | ||
| Blue ribbon be a theater, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, dude, we're gonna have a good time. | ||
| The last time you went to Milwaukee was with fucking Chris Maguire at that fair. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't really in Milwaukee. | ||
| That was something else. | ||
| Was in Milwaukee? | ||
| Yeah, we did Summerfest. | ||
| I went like a year before you and a year after you. | ||
| Yeah, there was some guy that was there, I remember, going, oh, you're too dirty to work my club. | ||
| I'd like to have you in my club, but you're too dirty. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Both of those fucking clubs are fucking on. | ||
| What's the clubs they have there? | ||
| They had Green Bay Funnybone at the time. | ||
| They had the guy that Ari's going to go work up at the Comedy, Skyline Comedy Club, which is at the other part of. | ||
| I think it was the Green Bay one. | ||
| Then it was the other one that was the gangsters, the moguls, with the biker gang. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| At night, he pays you with a gun on the table. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He puts a gun on the table when he pays you. | ||
| The whole staff has fucking double-breasted suits on on Fridays and Saturdays. | ||
| You got to wear double-breasted suits. | ||
| What? | ||
| The guy's a Hawaiian, 6'6, 400, with a motorcycle. | ||
| He's a gangster. | ||
| And now he's one of those bikers, whatever's up in Michigan, and he's like the treasurer. | ||
| He's got the fucking Porsche, the whole thing. | ||
| And they fucking on Saturdays, they pay, and the guy puts a gun on the thing, but he's big motherfucker Samoan, you know, those big Samoans. | ||
| And he's up there. | ||
| And a lot of bitches come in there. | ||
| They suck your dick and everything. | ||
| But I didn't like it. | ||
| I worked at one time and that was it. | ||
| But the fucking neighborhood, I can't wait to get spaghetti and clam sauce. | ||
| I can't wait to go to this place and get a meatball sandwich. | ||
| I can't fucking wait. | ||
| What a lot of people. | ||
| Milwaukee. | ||
| Milwaukee. | ||
| Listen, bro, let's get... | ||
| I never knew it. | ||
| They told me afterwards, you know who you robbed her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You robbed her? | |
| I robbed her in Aspen. | ||
| How'd you rob her? | ||
| I broke into a fucking house and she had 1,800 cash and a chunk of hash. | ||
| Not this LA shit that these idiots are smoking. | ||
| This shit that's stamped from the fucking emperor of Egypt. | ||
| Stamped! | ||
| Prophetic! | ||
| Fucking gold stamp. | ||
| And you see that stamp on a piece of hash? | ||
| When somebody gives you a piece of hash and you see that little rim with a stamp, you're fucking smoking the good shit, not this shit they give you in Hollywood. | ||
| And what hash is the THC that they share? | ||
| They have all that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How do you make it? | ||
| What am I? | ||
| 'Cause I've always known that it comes from I thought the hash was just red. | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| I thought it was just red. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| There's a method to making it. | ||
| I don't know what the method is, but it's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Life in jail for making fucking hash. | |
| They passed it in some stupid state. | ||
| So she was from Italian from whatever, and she was a drug dealer. | ||
| That's why I robbed her because she was a drug dealer. | ||
| I didn't rob her because she decided because I wanted to rob her. | ||
| But she used to always tell me that there was great food in Milwaukee. | ||
| And I'm like, are you fucking, what are you going to do? | ||
| What are you going to eat cheese with it? | ||
| Well, this is another part of it that a lot of people don't know. | ||
| With Donny Brasco busted all those people, half of the people he busted weren't in New York. | ||
| They were in Milwaukee. | ||
| He busted this crew up there that was the Ballisteris. | ||
| They ran vending machines all over the country, big time, all over these vending machine companies with these guys. | ||
| So he went to Milwaukee and busted these motherfuckers, like 40 of them. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| It just doesn't say in the movie because they don't have enough time to put it in the fucking stupid movie. | ||
| But there's a big Italian community in fucking Milwaukee. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And big Chinese. | ||
| I tell you, one of the best meatball sandwiches I ever had was in fucking Milwaukee. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm telling you, one of the best sauces. | ||
| I went there five days in a row. | ||
| How long you know me? | ||
| Five in a row for lunch. | ||
| And if they were open for dinner, I would have gone for dinner. | ||
| They were open for breakfast and lunch. | ||
| It was one of those Italian, but it's the, you know what they call, you know, delicatoros, you know, with the shit hanging, the goat hanging, and the fucking cheese, and you smell it. | ||
| The cheese. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| So we're going. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
| I'm definitely going. | ||
| This place, Cavarettas, that I have up here in the valley, that place is fucking. | ||
| Listen, the best coming. | ||
| California's in the fucking valley, though. | ||
| There's some shit in the valley that is brilliant. | ||
| What is it, Canoga Park? | ||
| That Cavaretta? | ||
| Canoga Park. | ||
| God damn, that place is good. | ||
| If you are looking for, if you're in the valley and you're looking for a real Italian sausage and pepper sandwich, oh my God, is it good? | ||
| Sausage and peppers with tomato sauce. | ||
| It's terrible for you. | ||
| So I only get it like once a month. | ||
| But when I get it, it sits in my once a month. | ||
| Yeah, once a day. | ||
| Got more than once a day. | ||
| Go more than once a day, dog. | ||
| You have a fucking heart attack. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| At the lasagna, at the Pinocchios, ain't fucking bad. | ||
| They got lasagna cavarettas. | ||
| They sell it in a giant tray. | ||
| And you take it home and heat that shit up, and it's fucking jamming. | ||
| That place is full legit. | ||
| There's not another sausage and pepper sub you could buy in LA. | ||
| Where the fuck else is there? | ||
| Where is there a sausage and pepper sub with tomato sauce? | ||
| A real one. | ||
| This place is good. | ||
| And if you take the hot peppers off the shelf and you say, well, you chop these up in there, they'll take you those hot, because you can't buy hot cherry peppers. | ||
| Where the fuck can you get them? | ||
| Only at this place. | ||
| Italian place. | ||
| It must be an Italian place. | ||
| With the prosciutto. | ||
| Oh, the prosciutto inside and cheese. | ||
| Oh, every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| And I get they call them pepper bombers. | ||
| That's Ari. | ||
| That's what we get. | ||
| Oh, that's so good. | ||
| That puts, just gives us on the cuff because we go up there every other fucking day. | ||
| Not so wild. | ||
| This place cabaret is they have cannolis too. | ||
| Like with big giant legit cannolis. | ||
| I'm not a cannoli guy, though. | ||
| I'll eat the fuck out of it. | ||
| Everybody since I left Jersey, I stopped a fucking cannoli. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, I'll eat the fuck out of a cannoli. | ||
| This place is. | ||
| Hey, dog, I wanted to show this to one. | ||
| I don't know how you could print this up, not print it. | ||
| What is your one of the guys from JoeRogan.net hit me up and he wanted a copy of this when I got bugged by the feds. | ||
| Your address. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's my old address. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| They have to after 9-11. | ||
| If a drug deal, if anybody whose phone is tapped, they call you. | ||
| After the person goes to trial, the government is supposed to send you an affidavit claiming the date you were on the phone with them and why they tapped them and All that shit. | ||
| So I was telling this kid this. | ||
| I was saying it on the podcast before, and I think he doubted me. | ||
| He goes, Can you please bring the paper? | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| There's a lot of people on my message board. | ||
| You guys are some disrespectful fucking shitheads. | ||
| Some of you guys who don't believe things, you're so fucking rude about it. | ||
| And one of the things is Joey Diaz. | ||
| Don't hold this up, bro. | ||
| We got to treat this like everybody can hear this. | ||
| You can read it if you like. | ||
| But so many people say, oh, this guy comes on the podcast and just lies and tells stupid stories. | ||
| Joey Diaz is not lying. | ||
| Why would I lie? | ||
| I mean, I don't lie to you people. | ||
| Crazy fucking lies. | ||
| I don't want to pay my fucking bills. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I've known Joey for a while. | ||
| You know anything about me? | ||
| I don't give a fuck about none of you, motherfuckers. | ||
| I got no reason to lie. | ||
| I don't owe you nothing. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| Louie Nelson said in the thief, lie to no one. | ||
| Why ruin it with a lie? | ||
| And if they ain't nothing to you, who the fuck are they you gotta lie to me? | ||
| They don't know how you're living. | ||
| They don't know how what I met with. | ||
| You can't do controls and hanging on your computer all day, saying shit to people. | ||
| Get a fucking life, you fucking maggots. | ||
| Get a fucking life. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| He don't want to say it to you, but I'm going to say it to you. | ||
| Just, you know, most of them are just taking advantage of the fact that they're anonymous. | ||
| And they sit there all day and they judge people. | ||
| And it's not just me. | ||
| They do it to everybody. | ||
| I seen somebody do it to fucking like a music thing with kids the other day. | ||
| It's like, you know what, man? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| And then when you go to their YouTube page, they have done nothing. | ||
| They're nothing. | ||
| They just put stupid videos up of birds and shit. | ||
| Well, I don't think you have to do something to have an opinion assignment. | ||
| No, but you know what? | ||
| You don't have to be a cunt. | ||
| You don't have to be a cunt. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Give it to me straight instead of giving it to me with an anonymous fucking... | ||
| I had a chick last month, Joe Rogan, who sent me the best EMM email I ever got. | ||
| She said she went to a show and she was very unhappy with my comedy. | ||
| She didn't like that it was dirty. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| 10 years ago, I would have said, suck my dick. | ||
| And I emailed her back like a man. | ||
| You know what she said to me? | ||
| She goes, well, I thought you were funny, but I didn't need the necessity to curse. | ||
| And I said, you should have said that. | ||
| You hurt my feelings. | ||
| She goes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. | ||
| She goes, I just thought there was more to you than cursing. | ||
| I'm picturing Joey Diaz alone with his nine fucking cats answering this bitch's email. | ||
| 11. | ||
| No, I gotta, I gotta, you know, you gotta answer these emails to people. | ||
| But it's really funny, like, when somebody said you didn't put the drainer on your dick, who would make that up? | ||
| Why would you make that up? | ||
| I'm telling you, I'm fucked. | ||
| It's like, do you know I have an agent, like a big-time agent that moved away and now he's in Dallas? | ||
| So his name was first on IMDb. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking people send him emails once a week telling me to take the how to mug a fag video off? | ||
| So wait a second. | ||
| I'm telling you a story that a fag beat the fuck out of me. | ||
| I got confused. | ||
| agents. | ||
| What? | ||
| This agent is the top. | ||
| He's in Dallas. | ||
| He's a big time agent. | ||
| He's a big-time agent. | ||
| He handles athletes now. | ||
| He was telling you to take that video off. | ||
| He called me one morning. | ||
| He goes, dog, do you have a video on there about mugging fags? | ||
| He's in fucking Austin, Texas. | ||
| He's a sports agent. | ||
| And he goes, dog, I keep getting emails from people. | ||
| This is like last year saying that you better take the video off. | ||
| Did you mug a fag? | ||
| And I go, why would I lie about getting beat up by a fucking guy? | ||
| Why would somebody lie about something like that? | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| Who would make something like that? | ||
| I could say if I beat up 10 fags or I stabbed them and threw them over the cliff or fucking Joey's lying. | ||
| But who would lie about getting beat up by a fucking guy? | ||
| Why would somebody make something up? | ||
| People would make stories up, but the point is you don't. | ||
| No, why would I? | ||
| You would because you're crazy. | ||
| If you were a crazy person. | ||
| I never understood what it was. | ||
| I can't even lie on stage. | ||
| I know a lot of people who lie. | ||
| Oh, they've no, no, no. | ||
| No, people make up stories on stage. | ||
| Like, last night, my girl. | ||
| No, I don't want to hear about that. | ||
| But I can't even, like, I see a friend of mine that quit drinking, and she's still doing drinking jokes on stage. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| You can't commit to that. | ||
| Why doesn't she just talk about how she quit drinking, but she used to do this? | ||
| Who the fuck am I to say something to him? | ||
| I just move on with my life. | ||
| I'm just making a fucking quote here. | ||
| It's like me going up on stage and doing cocaine jokes. | ||
| I don't do it. | ||
| I don't live it no more. | ||
| I don't even know what that's like. | ||
| Why would I talk about it? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I talk about it years before, but I can't stand with this. | ||
| That was another thing you did that night of the wounded soldier. | ||
| You were making fun of me because I had a five-hour energy drink. | ||
| He goes, What are you doing with that fucking five-hour energy drink? | ||
| And you went on stage with that. | ||
| He goes, five-hour energy drink. | ||
| He goes, you know what I do in the fucking, I wake up in the morning and I have a fucking big line. | ||
| I snort a big line of cocaine. | ||
| There's your fucking five-hour energy. | ||
| You do an eight-ball. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What fucking five hours? | ||
| Five-hour energy drink. | ||
| It was Red Band's birthday, and this week, Mr. Rogan has a birthday this week. | ||
| He thought I forgot God's sake. | ||
| You're 37 now? | ||
| You're going to have to grow up eventually. | ||
| When is your birthday? | ||
| That's when you start getting older. | ||
| The 11th, August 11th. | ||
| That's Thursday. | ||
| Two days. | ||
| Two days from. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I thought you were going to invite me up for the fucking birthday. | ||
| Come on up. | ||
| Thursday. | ||
| Thursday, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to do a long week. | |
| Who's coming Thursday? | ||
| Why don't you have all of us up? | ||
| Because I got to work all this week. | ||
| I'm back to the grind. | ||
| I'm back to Fear Factor. | ||
| You got your family up there. | ||
| I got them doing every day this week because Friday we're bolting to Milwaukee for this Papst Theater. | ||
| That's August 13th, Milwaukee Papst Theater. | ||
| Me and Joe Diaz. | ||
| Tickets are almost sold out. | ||
| Get in it, bitches. | ||
| Don't sleep. | ||
| I'm looking forward to that. | ||
| We're going to have a good time. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| I've been looking forward. | ||
| When was the last time we did a gig? | ||
| Was it Vegas? | ||
| No, we just did Irvine. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| Pasadena. | ||
| We did the Irvine and Pasadena. | ||
| I still got an email. | ||
| But the last theater we did, I'm thinking. | ||
| Last theater we did on the road. | ||
| Pittsburgh. | ||
| Oh, Pittsburgh was fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, that library used to be a library. | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| Yeah, Carnegie Library, Music Hall. | ||
| Fucking place was awesome. | ||
| Pittsburgh is great. | ||
| It's one of the things we were saying. | ||
| It's one of the most underrated fucking cities. | ||
| We didn't like it when we did that improv. | ||
| I didn't go with you that time. | ||
| I had been there before. | ||
| I used to go to the funnyball and it was okay. | ||
| I like the Chinese food as well. | ||
| When we were there, though, one of the reasons why we didn't like it is because apparently there was some fucking sports thing going on. | ||
| They're really loyal to their teams. | ||
| And when you got like a big game going on, nobody wants to go to see nothing. | ||
| And even people that bought tickets didn't come to the show because it was some big sports game, some football game or I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| That team is in first place in baseball. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Didn't they win the World Series or something? | ||
| This year? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But right now they're Super Bowl? | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| Steelers? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I can't remember who won. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| We don't know shit about sports. | ||
| I can't fucking remember. | ||
| Are you trying to be funny, Brian? | ||
| Cricket doesn't. | ||
| They don't play cricket in America. | ||
| Yeah, you know. | ||
| I've been drinking that because I'm not sure. | ||
| You know that, you fuck. | ||
| There's nothing in there, bro. | ||
| It's empty. | ||
| I drank this fucking coffee. | ||
| Yeah, you ate 50 of those fucking cough drops. | ||
| They make you thirsty. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| What's up, B? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Science. | |
| Fucking birthday boys in the room and shit. | ||
| I got peed on today. | ||
| By who? | ||
| We were having sex, and she accidentally peed for the first time ever when coming. | ||
| And it was like, I felt it going down my leg. | ||
| I'm like, wait, that's not normal. | ||
| And she's like, oh my God, I think it is pee. | ||
| Have you ever had that happen to you? | ||
| You might be dating a retarded girl, are you? | ||
| No, she said that she just didn't even. | ||
| Why do you always go? | ||
| Suck it up. | ||
| I've noticed every time I say something, you automatically get angry at me. | ||
| That's not angry. | ||
| Well, you say a lot of silly. | ||
| You say a lot of silly shit, and I'm making fun of it. | ||
| Okay, it's not called defensive. | ||
| That's not defensive. | ||
| I pissed on myself the other day, bro. | ||
| Are you mad that I'm not? | ||
| No, no, I just noticed every time I say something, like anytime I say anything, you always get angry. | ||
| You get angry, but you say some ridiculous shit, dude. | ||
| What's those pills you got? | ||
| It's not angry, but if I'm mocking you or clowning at you, it's like you can't just say ridiculous shit and have me not say anything. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of times I say something you think is ridiculous. | ||
| Like hash is actually resin. | ||
| Well, it's not resin. | ||
| Resin is when you make it. | ||
| That's how one of the ways they make it is resin. | ||
| That's not hash. | ||
| Hash is, there's a process to make hash. | ||
| It doesn't involve burning it. | ||
| Resin is when you scrape a pipe. | ||
| That's what resin is. | ||
| Hash resin is a different process. | ||
| It's not the resin of like smoking. | ||
| There's multiple ways to make it, but one of the ways to make hash is resin. | ||
| One of the ways to make hash is scraping resin off a pipe, like that kind of resin? | ||
| I don't know if that's the way that you. | ||
| I think neither one of us know enough about how to make hash to say. | ||
| They make process and shit, and they take the THC or somebody. | ||
| But dude, you're pretending that you don't say silly shit on purpose, like you're playing a role, and I mock you for it. | ||
| And now all of a sudden, as an example, me saying I have to say that. | ||
| You're saying you're just upset because you love this girl. | ||
| And I said, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, I'm just saying in general, every time I say something, you get really angry at me. | ||
| I don't get really angry, but you do say... | ||
| No, I say I notice it all the time. | ||
| Okay, well, I notice you say ridiculous shit all the time, and I clown you for it. | ||
| But that doesn't mean that I'm really angry at you. | ||
| No, I know, I know, but why does it, every time I say something, you always have to completely bash it down? | ||
| That was barely bashing it. | ||
| Your girl pissed all over you. | ||
| I'm saying she had an orgasm, and she's never done this before, but she peed at the same time. | ||
| And she was like, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
| You don't think that it's appropriate to say, hmm, you might be dating a retarded girl? | ||
| That's a joke. | ||
| That's a joke, dude. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| I think it's an appropriate thing. | ||
| You know, I like that girlfriend. | ||
| She's a nice person. | ||
| What? | ||
| You follow the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, what's wrong with that? | ||
| Just, you know, she's your girlfriend, bro. | ||
| Nobody should know about this shit unless you're 10. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You follow what I'm saying? | ||
| Nothing wrong there, but Brian, you can't. | ||
| You don't have to talk about your girlfriend. | ||
| You get defensive. | ||
| The reason why I did this because in the past we've talked about where girls are really juicy and we said that it is a pee or not. | ||
| And I actually said, no, it's not. | ||
| I just know girls that have done that before. | ||
| But when she did it, it felt like she was coming like crazy, like I've experienced before. | ||
| But when I smelled it, it was 100% pee. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| So with other girls that squirted, it smelled different. | ||
| So this time you smelled it. | ||
| I actually smelled it because it was just like, whoa, why is it all over my body? | ||
| Does she have asparagus? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is there anything else that definitely makes your pea smell? | ||
| Pineapples. | ||
| Pineapples? | ||
| It makes it smell good or something. | ||
| It tastes good. | ||
| Your loads. | ||
| Pineapples are supposed to make your loads taste good, but that's what I hear. | ||
| But pea, the smell of pea, it's always asparagus, right? | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
| If you thought of, like, if I said, what makes your pea stink? | ||
| You'd say asparagus. | ||
| There's nothing else. | ||
| Vitamin C. Vitamin C. Yeah, if you have vitamin C, that's what it makes it bright orange. | ||
| And bright orange. | ||
| Well, all vitamins make your pea bright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, maybe it is the vitamin C. I think it's vitamin C. Now, is it the more you dehydrate it, the yellow your piss gets? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Or if you have a lot of vitamins. | ||
| If you take a lot of vitamins, that's why people say, oh, why do you take vitamins? | ||
| It comes out in your pee. | ||
| No, some of it does come out in your pee and it makes your pee a different color, but a lot of it affects your body in a positive way. | ||
| That's like one of the weakest arguments ever. | ||
| Like you shouldn't take vitamins, just pee them out. | ||
| I've heard people say that so many times. | ||
| Like, Jesus Christ, are you really going into every cell and monitoring how your nutrients are distributed? | ||
| And you know for sure it all goes out in your urine. | ||
| You lazy fuck. | ||
| You're so lazy you won't even take vitamins. | ||
| I've talked to so many people like that and they say, well, I'd like to take vitamins. | ||
| I just can't be bothered. | ||
| Like you can't be bothered to stick a pill in your mouth and drink. | ||
| How hard is it? | ||
| You're eating. | ||
| You're eating all this food. | ||
| How hard is it to remember to put something in your mouth and drink and then you're healthier? | ||
| You get nutrients that you're not getting from your diet. | ||
| There's things that I do like that all the time that I'm like, that is so dumb that I don't do like floss. | ||
| I should like I hate flossing to death, but it's so easy. | ||
| It takes what, two minutes to floss your teeth, but I can't do it. | ||
| Like my body won't let me floss. | ||
| I try it out for a couple of days and then I just hate it. | ||
| I think we're programmed in a certain way by the way we were raised and there's a lot of shit that people got on you when you were a little kid that you still to this day don't want to fucking do because your parents told you to do it. | ||
| I have this problem with work, man. | ||
| I don't like doing things that are work. | ||
| You know, I don't mind doing things that are for me. | ||
| Like I could work forever on, I can train, I can, you know, write, I can, you know, work on things, I can draw, I can work forever on things that I want to do. | ||
| But if someone tells me I'm supposed to do something, I have a hard time. | ||
| I have a hard time showing up for things on time. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| It's like part of me that wants to resist being on time and part of me that wants to resist doing work. | ||
| And I know it's from growing up. | ||
| It's from growing up being forced to work, growing up being forced to, you know, like to say the thought of work is dreariness and going to work is you're going to be miserable and you're going to have to contain your emotions and contain your disdain for what you're doing and just force yourself to follow through. | ||
| And I think that's a lot of us. | ||
| It's like shit like brushing your teeth. | ||
| Like brushing your teeth is great, you know, but when you're a little kid, man, everybody told you to brush your teeth, so it's annoying. | ||
| So you're like, fuck you. | ||
| I'm an adult. | ||
| I'm going to eat. | ||
| I'm going to go to sleep with fucking shit stuck in my teeth. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, you do it on purpose. | ||
| You spite yourself by rebelling from your childhood. | ||
| And Joey, I mean, you grew up in the craziest way possible. | ||
| You grew up, you were sort of taken in by your neighbors, right? | ||
| Yeah, but when I was, that was till I was 15. | ||
| I come from a house where I was like, I come from a house where my mother told me once to get in the shower and brush my teeth, dog. | ||
| And if not, you got to fucking smack to that. | ||
| But once you got out of there, though, once my mother died at 15, I moved with other people that were neighbors. | ||
| When I met you, this is let me tell you something about when I met you. | ||
| You know, when I met you, like, you know, I've known a lot of wild motherfuckers my whole life. | ||
| And one of the things I said, I've said this about you on stage, and it's true. | ||
| Like, one of the things I love about hanging out with you is that there's a lot of people think there's rules to the way you're supposed to behave and live and think. | ||
| And then you meet somebody and you go, hey, wait, wait, this guy's not following any rules. | ||
| I'm going to go follow him for a minute. | ||
| Where you going? | ||
| Hey, where'd you come up with this idea? | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| You just pulled your dick out. | ||
| You're going to go to jail. | ||
| Are you smoking pot out in public? | ||
| There's some people that, you know, when I grew up, I grew up very disciplined because I was a martial arts competitor. | ||
| And from age 15 to 21, my life was very, very disciplined. | ||
| I didn't drink. | ||
| I ate healthy foods. | ||
| I trained all the time. | ||
| And the reason why I didn't drink, very rarely, I might have smoked pot five times in my whole life from the time I was like, you know, 10 to the time I was like 21. | ||
| Maybe six at the most. | ||
| I might have got drunk three or four times because I was always worried about going to the gym the next day and getting fucked up. | ||
| I was always worried like if I got drunk and then four weeks from now I have a fight. | ||
| What if I get my ass kicked in a fight that I would have won if I didn't get drunk on that one day? | ||
| So I would think like that. | ||
| So I was super disciplined. | ||
| And then I met my friend Johnny B and met my friend Johnny when I had gone from being a comedian or from being a fighter to being a comedian. | ||
| There was this drastic shift and drastic shift in the human beings that I was around. | ||
| So I was around all these wild motherfuckers, but they were fighters. | ||
| There were wild motherfuckers who were fighting in tournaments and kickboxing. | ||
| And I knew dudes that would like fight in different tournaments just for a goof. | ||
| I knew dudes that would just go to a judo tournament. | ||
| They didn't even practice judo. | ||
| They would fight in karate tournaments. | ||
| They weren't karate fighters. | ||
| They were, you know, they were Taekwondo no guys. | ||
| They would just go and just try it out. | ||
| They would do wild dudes who just would take chances and start boxing. | ||
| Yeah, I've been boxing. | ||
| I'm hanging out with this gym in South Boston. | ||
| I started boxing. | ||
| Like, you know, this guy started wrestling. | ||
| I mean, I knew a lot of dudes who did a lot of wild shit, but it was always wild, like martial arts type shit. | ||
| It was crazy and dangerous, but it was a discipline sort of a crazy dangerous. | ||
| And then when I started hanging around with comedians, then all of a sudden I was hanging out with these wild fucks who were different. | ||
| It was a different kind of wild fuck. | ||
| There was like insecure and needy, but they would get drunk and fucked up and dudes would do dangerous shit. | ||
| And, you know, it was a weird kind of human being. | ||
| It was a different kind of human being than I was ever around. | ||
| A lot of partiers, a lot of people doing cocaine, people getting nuts. | ||
| And then I met my friend Johnny. | ||
| And that was the total other end of the craziness. | ||
| I mean, stand-up comedy was a craziness, but they ain't no crazier than a person who's a professional pool hustler. | ||
| And that was my friend Johnny. | ||
| My friend Johnny, when I met him, had nowhere to live, had nowhere to stay, did not know where he was. | ||
| He didn't have a dime in his pocket. | ||
| Maybe if he had $5, he was playing someone for that $5. | ||
| And that was all the money he had in the world. | ||
| And he played with a house cue or, you know, sometimes he had his own cue. | ||
| But, I mean, this dude was living wild, like completely wild. | ||
| And when I met you, and I'm, you know, he was my friend, my best friend for years. | ||
| And, you know, he died in, I think it was like, shit. | ||
| 98, 98. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somewhere around that. | ||
| And I remember when I met you at the comedy store, I remember meeting you and it's probably around that same year, somewhere around that same time. | ||
| I remember, look at this motherfucker. | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
| Like, here's another dude just out there wild in the streets. | ||
| You had a pager. | ||
| Sometimes you had a pager. | ||
| You had a pager. | ||
| No, I had a pager the whole time. | ||
| The same pink fucking pager. | ||
| I got it from J and JBP. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| You got this pager? | ||
| and I held on to that page until 2004. | ||
| You never knew where Joey was. | ||
| My rules, bitch. | ||
| You never knew where Joey was. | ||
| And my friend Johnny had a pager, too. | ||
| That's how you got a hold of him. | ||
| But that was back when nobody had a cell phone. | ||
| But through all the years of cell phones, Joey never had a cell phone. | ||
| Joey didn't get a cell phone until like 2004. | ||
| Right, 2004? | ||
| First check from Spider-Man 2. | ||
| You got a cell phone. | ||
| They talked me into going to get Sam Raimi and Spider-Man 2 was like, though, yeah, I got a cell phone. | ||
| Yeah, Joey didn't have a cell phone. | ||
| He was living on different people's couches. | ||
| Sleeping in a car until he got towed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking going on the road with no clothes, just fucking living off of fucking advances. | ||
| And by the way, he's doing comedy back then and he wasn't good. | ||
| You weren't good. | ||
| You were a different comedian, man. | ||
| And I always say that there's never a person that I've ever seen make the switch, flip the switch, and go from a guy who wasn't doing well on stage to a guy who was just destroying. | ||
| I lost my inhibitions. | ||
| I lost. | ||
| But it was amazing. | ||
| It was because one of the things that was holding me down was going on with my daughter. | ||
| It was really holding me down on who I was. | ||
| I kept thinking I was doing the wrong choice. | ||
| So until I committed to doing comedy and being a broke fucking comic, the way you're supposed to commit yourself to anything you dive into, I couldn't be good because I kept thinking anytime I was going to go back to Colorado to be a dad. | ||
| That's what I kept thinking. | ||
| I'm like, I can't be doing this shit. | ||
| I'm a dad. | ||
| But this is what was pulling me. | ||
| I had nothing there with my daughter. | ||
| I wanted to raise my daughter my way. | ||
| knew how I was going to raise a daughter. | ||
| I was going to raise a daughter and she didn't grow up like these fucking dumb women, you see, that have dignity and they have fucking respect the same way my mother. | ||
| That's why I don't do what other people do, a beat to the drum, because that's how my mother raised me, dog, to beat to my own fucking drum. | ||
| If you don't like something, say it. | ||
| And I was going to raise my daughter. | ||
| But the whole time, I thought I was going to come to LA and anytime I was going to go back and get an apartment in Boulder, so I wasn't committed. | ||
| One day, I fucking got a thing that she wanted to change her name. | ||
| And the mother called me with some bullshit story and I had to be this nice person. | ||
| I don't like being nice if I don't have to, bro. | ||
| That's why I've changed so much, especially after the blow. | ||
| I don't take nothing from nobody now. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You can't get away with nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| So what you're saying is... | ||
| Because I let my inhibitions go. | ||
| To be a good comedian, you got to... | ||
| I wasn't committed, dog. | ||
| That's what it really was. | ||
| Fuck the inhibitions. | ||
| I wasn't committed. | ||
| I thought I wanted to be a dad. | ||
| I wanted to be a dad. | ||
| I wanted to be a dad. | ||
| But they weren't opening up the door for me. | ||
| I couldn't run that shit. | ||
| if I didn't like what do you mean like let's drink now by the way this is where it all goes to right now we're gonna straighten this out this thing that happened in Denver she threw me out because a lot of people have been twittering me what happened for sexual harassment what are you talking about the thing that the club the comedy works okay because a lot of people have no idea what you're talking about because last week a couple people asked me Joey Here's, I'll fill you in. | ||
| Joey Diaz has never been able to work with me at the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| And people always ask, when is Joey Diaz coming? | ||
| Why can't you bring Joey Diaz to the Comedy Works? | ||
| He has never been allowed to do that ever since I've been performing that. | ||
| So she told a bunch of people who was. | ||
| The woman who owns the club. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And what happened was some girl ran down and jumped. | ||
| And when I went to grab her, I grabbed her ass. | ||
| There was a kid there that was like in the same league as me. | ||
| We were starting to get star spots. | ||
| And he was kind of weird about it. | ||
| Star spots? | ||
| That's what they call them, guest spots at the Comedy Works in those days. | ||
| That's when you did Thursday. | ||
| You were good enough to do Thursday, Wednesday, and Tuesday. | ||
| And we do like 10 minutes? | ||
| Right, 10 minutes, and you get off. | ||
| And Wendy liked me. | ||
| Wendy likes Italian guys. | ||
| You know, she likes East Coast. | ||
| She likes Rocky, whatever, LaPorte. | ||
| She likes those guys. | ||
| So she kind of liked me, and this guy kept seeing it. | ||
| And one day I hear that I'm supposed to open up for George Lopez. | ||
| I got a call from Wendy. | ||
| I did sexual harassment. | ||
| I'm like, I didn't do no sexual harassment. | ||
| He goes, well, the girl, what girl? | ||
| Came in here. | ||
| So I got the whole story. | ||
| A bunch of comics had seen the girl jump into me and me grab her ass. | ||
| We were partying. | ||
| It's like us being at the store and Katie seeing you and running to you. | ||
| And when she jumps at you, your reaction is to grab her. | ||
| So the girl didn't say nothing that night. | ||
| She didn't say nothing. | ||
| We kept drinking and we did a couple lines. | ||
| Three days later, she was decided it was sexual harassment because one of the comedians talked her into it. | ||
| He's like, dog, that was sexual harassment. | ||
| You should call Wendy. | ||
| So she called, that's what happened. | ||
| That's all it was? | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| And even now, but that's not even what it was. | ||
| Is that sexual harassment? | ||
| What is sexual harassment? | ||
| Sexual harassment is whatever you want. | ||
| What's the definition of it, though? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I always assume that it's someone who has power over someone and like a boss that's like saying stupid sexual shit to an employee. | ||
| Any unwanted sexuality. | ||
| But the fact that she ran towards him went over. | ||
| rent. | ||
| So the thing was... | ||
| It doesn't really matter. | ||
| It doesn't really matter. | ||
| The girl complained. | ||
| The fucking buddy told her and Wendy shit and told me I couldn't come in no more. | ||
| And that was it? | ||
| You know what, though? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| And then you went on the radio and then you sat on the radio. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm a thief. | ||
| I'll fucking shoot you if I have to. | ||
| I'm not a sexual predator. | ||
| So for that fat cunt to say something like that is fucking wrong. | ||
| But let me give you the flip side. | ||
| She's still stuck with her fat ass in Denman. | ||
| I'm here living my fucking life. | ||
| So she did me a favor. | ||
| The best thing about what was going on in that, I was going to kill my ex-wife and her husband. | ||
| I wasn't going to kill him. | ||
| I was already content to get a fax machine and write jokes for fucking Leno. | ||
| They weren't going to prison what they were doing for my daughter. | ||
| I was going to have my buddies chipping $10. | ||
| It was $94. | ||
| I was going to have him get me a fax machine. | ||
| And I was going to be in jail writing jokes for Leno. | ||
| I already had it planned. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And one day I actually caught myself saying, all right, I'll just kill him because I can't kill her. | ||
| I know what it is to live without a fucking mother. | ||
| So I can't kill the mother. | ||
| And I said, no, I'll just kill him. | ||
| And I went down there one day with a fucking butcher nice just to wrap him up at lunch. | ||
| You don't know me, dude. | ||
| When I get a beef up my ass, I took a butcher and I smacked him with two felonies. | ||
| I had two felonies in Boulder. | ||
| And he called, I picked up my daughter at the datecare. | ||
| My daughter got in the car and we're driving. | ||
| And she goes, Daddy, what's a spick? | ||
| And I go, where'd you hear that? | ||
| And she goes, whenever you call the house, that's what John says. | ||
| Go, close the fucking door. | ||
| Close the door. | ||
| Watch where the spick is. | ||
| I drove her the safe way. | ||
| Remember, you know, you never go out of the baseline in 28th Street. | ||
| That's where I had to return her. | ||
| I used to get my daughter on Sundays and Wednesdays. | ||
| So this one Wednesday, I pull over my little girl in the car. | ||
| She's got her little princess. | ||
| How old was she? | ||
| Three, maybe four. | ||
| I get out of the car and I go, what did he say? | ||
| She goes, spick, daddy. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I get out of the car. | ||
| I go up to him. | ||
| I go, let me ask you something, John. | ||
| Did you say spick in front of my daughter? | ||
| And he goes, no, I didn't. | ||
| I go, well, she's three and she's never been to New York. | ||
| So you got some explaining to do. | ||
| And he goes, well, I didn't say it, Joe. | ||
| I go, well, you got a problem. | ||
| Just tell me you said it and we'll end this. | ||
| But if you keep sitting there telling me you didn't say this, I'm going to fucking knock you out. | ||
| So one more time, did you say spick in front of my daughter? | ||
| And he said, no. | ||
| Joe Rogan, I lit this motherfucker up right there in the Safeway parking lot with two shots for the fucking head. | ||
| Ba-bam! | ||
| Ba-bam! | ||
| Blood. | ||
| People are yelling, leave him alone. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| But in the middle of all this, in the middle of all this, I turn around, look at the car, and I see my little three-year-old princess crying. | ||
| She was scared. | ||
| And I looked, and when I was five and six, I see my stepdad blast motherfuckers with his pure fucking hands on the street. | ||
| I seen him shoot a guy on 148th Street when I was eight. | ||
| To me, I was raised. | ||
| I was a fucking animal. | ||
| I didn't want my daughter to go through that, bro. | ||
| At this time already, she was already seeing this shit. | ||
| Now I smack this fucking dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So because he called you a spic, you were allowed to beat him up. | ||
| One clean one. | ||
| He went to court the next day with the black eye and the court, the judge even said to him, next time you call somebody a fucking racial epitaph, you got one coming. | ||
| All because of J.J. Flanagan, 1987, a football player. | ||
| In the early, in the late 80s, they had a lot of problems in Boulder with the black football players. | ||
| They were up there fucking those white chicks three at a time, banging them. | ||
| J.J. Flanagan, Knavis McGee. | ||
| And one kid said something to J.J. Flanagan, called him a nigga, and he smacked him. | ||
| The kid's eye fucking flew out. | ||
| Kid's fucking eye flew out of his fucking head. | ||
| I flew out of his fucking head. | ||
| So something happened after that. | ||
| They made it to J.J. Flanagan law that you can't say a racial epithet. | ||
| They sided with him? | ||
| Well, they didn't side with him, but that's just a fucking word, man. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| It's not nice. | ||
| So that's what I want to get to. | ||
| Eyeball knocked out. | ||
| So at the time, I was going to kill my ex-wife and her fucking boyfriend. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| At the time, I'm going to kill these motherfuckers, Jordan. | ||
| I'm telling you, this is as sincerity as my heart. | ||
| Nobody was going to fuck with me. | ||
| That's the way my mother raised me. | ||
| So this is after he called you a spec, you wanted to kill him? | ||
| I was still going to hunt them down. | ||
| I still had a plan to hunt them down. | ||
| I was going to hunt them down. | ||
| So what was going on? | ||
| You broke up with your wife? | ||
| Me and my wife broke up. | ||
| And then this new guy came in the pitch. | ||
| I was going to go to the middle of them against my wishes and whatnot. | ||
| She told me she wasn't going to date nobody for me not to date nobody. | ||
| I got into comedy. | ||
| And then one day she came to me when I had a conference at the broker and she goes, I was late four hours because I had a date, and that's how the war started. | ||
| And she moved my daughter in there, and this is how the war started. | ||
| Where I come from, you can't move my daughter into somewhere, though. | ||
| Into some man's house. | ||
| So, she, if she's with your daughter, you think she should have been by herself forever? | ||
| No, you come to me and talk to me like a man. | ||
| You're gonna move my daughter into another man's house. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Give me the hunt. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's not tricky. | ||
| That's my daughter. | ||
| I pay child support. | ||
| Before you move into another motherfucker's house. | ||
| And don't say tricky because if it happens to you, you understand the feeling. | ||
| Still tricky. | ||
| You don't know the feeling when you pick up your daughter. | ||
| I'm sure she smells like another man. | ||
| So nobody can judge me on this. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| I don't ever want to hear it from nobody. | ||
| Because until you know that feeling, don't you ever say nothing to me. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Until you know the feeling when you pick up your fucking daughter and she smells like another man. | ||
| Shoey, I'm sure. | ||
| Then somebody can say something to me. | ||
| But until then, don't ever say fucking something like that. | ||
| Yeah, but this woman is allowed to live her life right now. | ||
| Yeah, she's allowed to live her life. | ||
| So you think she's got to get your permission from your daughter in with a man? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| She's raising the girl. | ||
| That's where it gets tricky. | ||
| So what does that mean? | ||
| She's just joint fucking custody. | ||
| It still costs money to raise the kid. | ||
| If she lives with a guy. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But I'm paying child support. | ||
| I don't know how that works. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| A woman cannot just move your daughter in with a man. | ||
| Is it legal? | ||
| It's us. | ||
| You just can't wake up one day and your daughter moves a fucking customer. | ||
| What are her rights? | ||
| Her rights. | ||
| Her legal rights. | ||
| No, no, I didn't call Perry Mason. | ||
| I'm from the street of rights. | ||
| I come to you like a man. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying, Joey? | ||
| If she doesn't want to deal with you anymore, if she doesn't want to deal with you anymore, she wants to move in with a guy. | ||
| She still can't do that. | ||
| She has to get your permission. | ||
| You want to do whatever the fuck you want to do, Joe. | ||
| You do what the fuck you want to do. | ||
| But you can't take your daughter into some other woman's house without seeing that woman and saying, hey, I got a woman. | ||
| And I want to. | ||
| That's all I'm asking from anybody. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Just come look me in the eye. | ||
| I don't give me no bullshit, bro. | ||
| This is, we're men. | ||
| Don't tell me you gotta ask somebody. | ||
| If your daughter and your wife are gonna move in with a guy right now, wouldn't you want to come tell you? | ||
| Of course, listen, fuck you and the law. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Joey. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| You're getting in an argument with someone who's not even here. | ||
| I'm arguing with society. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's hard to listen to you. | ||
| You're saying to me that you're not angry right, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, you get crazy. | ||
| Well, a woman has a right to be away from a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And what is she going to do if she's raising a kid? | |
| When a woman wants to leave you and suck another dick, that's one thing. | ||
| You don't have to tell me nothing. | ||
| But when you're moving your daughter in there and she's three or four, you got to come to me. | ||
| Well, I agree that it's got to be a very hairy situation to have some man around your child, especially when you know that he's talking some shit about you and he's not raising your daughter. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| The situation is before somebody moves your kid in with another person, they should contact the other person and say, hey, I fell in love with somebody. | ||
| I want to move my kid in there. | ||
| But most women make the mistake when they get separated to jump in the sack with somebody just to hurt the other person. | ||
| I've seen it a thousand times. | ||
| Do you think that's why they do it? | ||
| No, they do it because they want to jump into bed with somebody that, you know, think about all the time. | ||
| Look at what happened with Dean Kane. | ||
| His wife jumped into bed with Zulu Nation and he fucking. | ||
| Dean Kane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Dean Kane came home one day and he didn't know. | ||
| Who the fuck knows this story? | ||
| Well, I'm telling you it right now. | ||
| He's like, it's like, no. | ||
| Come on, everybody knows the Dean Kane story. | ||
| George Washington, the apple tree, Dean Kane, Zulu Nation. | ||
| He came home one day and his wife had moved the kid in with another guy. | ||
| He came home and the wife had moved the kid in with another guy. | ||
| Whatever the fuck. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| They were separated and she moved in with another fucking guy. | ||
| He did the same thing. | ||
| He took the bitch to court and took a fucking Jeep. | ||
| He did everything. | ||
| You cannot. | ||
| You have to come to me, dog, without the court. | ||
| See, that's the problem where I lacked. | ||
| I don't understand court. | ||
| I don't understand court. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| Don't hit me with court. | ||
| I know you 20 years. | ||
| You used to suck my dick and I used to eat your asshole Coke duck. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You don't have to go to court. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You have to hear this? | ||
| Man, I'm missing out all the time. | ||
| So what I'm trying to say to you is. | ||
| She's had a good time with Joe Diaz. | ||
| At this position, at this time in my life, Wendy did me a favor by banning me. | ||
| She did me a favor. | ||
| Because she made you leave Denver. | ||
| Yeah, she did me a fucking favor. | ||
| Look where I am now with you fucking Momo's, smoking dope, not good dope, but I'm having a good fucking time. | ||
| The reason this crazy fucking argument with nobody just got started, this story got started. | ||
| No, it's because of the Paramount Theater. | ||
| I'm just telling you the truth. | ||
| September 23rd, Paramount There. | ||
| Joe Diaz returns to Denver. | ||
| It's almost sold out though, so hurry up. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's almost sold out. | ||
| Joe Rilla, you asked me what was going on. | ||
| You asked me, and I'm telling you the fucking story. | ||
| I didn't know that we were going to get it. | ||
| No, don't fuck around with people. | ||
| You want to know, I tell you. | ||
| This ain't no jokey poos or nothing. | ||
| Jokey Pooh. | ||
| And that's what happened with me. | ||
| So when they came to me and said, you got thrown out of the Denver Comedy Works, I was bummed out for like two weeks. | ||
| But I knew I was losing the war over there. | ||
| And I wasn't going to lose that. | ||
| Well, I'm glad you never killed anybody. | ||
| I wasn't going to come back with a head. | ||
| Was there any kind of love interest between you and Wendy at any time? | ||
| No. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Did you ever kiss her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Nothing. | ||
| Because that's what I heard. | ||
| I heard that there was some kind of... | ||
| Where'd you hear that from? | ||
| He's being a fucking joke. | ||
| No, you wonder why people yell at you. | ||
| No, I swear to God. | ||
| I swear to God that I heard that. | ||
| What did you hear? | ||
| I heard that they were kind of fucking around with each other. | ||
| I don't know who told me, but somebody told me. | ||
| You don't know who told you? | ||
| Nobody told him that. | ||
| He's just trying to be. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| He's not going nowhere with it. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| It's not cute. | ||
| It ain't even fucking. | ||
| I swear to you, Jeff. | ||
| Ain't even funny. | ||
| Please, don't let me pull a Rogan on you. | ||
| It ain't even funny. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| People are explaining me hash online, and it is nothing more than compressed Keith or THC extracted from plant material, says Hyfe Tech Con Man. | ||
| Yeah, but people are also telling me that there's many different kinds of hash, and there's some. | ||
| Trichombs, and yeah, I guess some people actually do call it resin. | ||
| It's not resin as I understand resin, I think. | ||
| I think I think resin is cooked. | ||
| Tell them about the shit that I was getting with the fucking stamp. | ||
| Tell them, whoever knows about that shit. | ||
| It's just like the Olympics. | ||
| They would stamp it with like, you know, it would be like the medium gray would be bronze, medium would be silver, and the best would be like gold. | ||
| And then they used to have him have a platinum coating. | ||
| So that's how you judge hash in the old days when you got it. | ||
| People would say, dog, I got fucking platinum. | ||
| You can't get no better than that. | ||
| So that's the emperor. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| No, these aren't jokes. | ||
| The emperor, whoever would make the hash before they shipped it over here, they would stamp it for the approval. | ||
| And that's what you always wanted to get. | ||
| You always wanted to get the hash with the stamp on it. | ||
| What I was talking about earlier, Oklahoma. | ||
| Oklahoma Senate approves life in prison for making hash. | ||
| If you make hash, they will give you life in prison. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing how stupid they are in Oklahoma. | ||
| That is so fucking dumb. | ||
| They think that somehow or another this is some dangerous drug. | ||
| Who do they think? | ||
| This is meth? | ||
| What do you get for making meth in Oklahoma? | ||
| Because if you get life in jail for, if you get life in jail for making hash, they should shoot everyone you've ever met if you make meth. | ||
| They should kill you and then shoot everyone you ever met. | ||
| Everyone you love should die. | ||
| For hash? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck? | |
| Hash has never killed anybody. | ||
| The only times I've smoked in hash, I'm like, I've just said, wow, I'm really high. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Hash is really good if you work out and you're sore and you eat little pieces of it. | ||
| Oh, God, the next day you wake up, nothing. | ||
| Well, there's a beautiful fucking story on a kid who had autism and his parents were giving him hash and it killed his autism. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The kid wouldn't interact with anybody. | ||
| It's the black chick. | ||
| I did the best. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was a different one. | ||
| It's a different one. | ||
| It was a white kid. | ||
| It was a guy in Northern California, and he'd cut off a little tiny piece of hash, and he would stick it inside of a melon, and he would give it to his boy. | ||
| And all of a sudden, his kid was interacting with people. | ||
| He was calm. | ||
| He was relaxed. | ||
| And there was another one with a black kid too, where they're giving him medical marijuana. | ||
| Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, this shit puts you in life in prison in April 21st of 2011. | ||
| That's an Oklahoma scene. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| There's certain places. | ||
| What about flying and somebody else? | ||
| Now they got to get this test for welfare. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's a good fucking move. | ||
| Welfare is such a tricky thing because I love the idea that people can count on people to help them out if something goes wrong. | ||
| But human nature is a motherfucker. | ||
| And human nature is if you give people the ability to not work, they're going to take it. | ||
| You know, they don't pay you nothing. | ||
| Like, I never understood people who went there and said, I claim craziness. | ||
| That's $600 a month. | ||
| So you don't have to work and you're crazy. | ||
| You're getting $600 a month. | ||
| You can't live on that. | ||
| So I don't understand why you're jumping up and fucking down so happy for it. | ||
| Some people are happy just to not work. | ||
| $640 a month or something. | ||
| I just seen it about a year ago on TV. | ||
| If you claim crazy, it's $60. | ||
| $640. | ||
| And those people in that documentary I was talking about earlier. | ||
| Oh, you've seen that. | ||
| You've seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What documentary is that? | ||
| I think We're Alone. | ||
| That's how they made their money. | ||
| They made their money? | ||
| Yeah, they claim crazy? | ||
| Yeah, well, because not claiming it because they had that Asperger's or whatever it's called. | ||
| Asperger's you can get money from? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, I think you should be able to get some money if there's something fucked up with you, and we should help each other out. | ||
| We should help out our brothers and sisters. | ||
| The problem is, like I said, about hippies, the problem is it's beautiful if everybody helps. | ||
| If you've got a circle and everybody's handing out love to the left and like, man, here have some love. | ||
| It's going to come around back to you. | ||
| It's all, we're all community, right? | ||
| But with hippies, a lot of hippies, when they're in a circle and they're handing out love to the left, the love gets to them and they step out of the circle and walk away. | ||
| And they take that love and they don't pass it around. | ||
| And they're always taking and not giving. | ||
| And that's something that happens when you have a welfare situation. | ||
| You have people who, it's nice if we all help each other out. | ||
| But some people just, they're greedy and they take that money and they just, they think they somehow or another deserve it. | ||
| And other people, they use it as a crutch. | ||
| Well, I don't have to work because now I got money. | ||
| There's so many flaws in human beings and just human behavior. | ||
| It's hard to make something like welfare work. | ||
| It's hard to make it work the way it's supposed to work. | ||
| Here's the way it's supposed to work, right? | ||
| Here's the way society is supposed to work. | ||
| We are supposed to live in tribes of 50 people. | ||
| That's how it's supposed to work. | ||
| We're not supposed to be connected, 300 fucking million of us, all in this one patch of dirt. | ||
| That is preposterous. | ||
| The idea of a fucking community that has 300 million people of it is ridiculous. | ||
| Especially when people go all rah-rah bullshit and fucking USA, USA. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You can't have everybody in. | ||
| You can't have everybody in the same fucking team. | ||
| It's not that you should be one community and your community should compete against every other community. | ||
| You could all be under the same idea or umbrella. | ||
| But the fact that all people are responsible for all the rest of the people, 300 million, it's too many. | ||
| There's too much room for craziness and douchebags and too much neglect. | ||
| And there's not enough people that have got enough focus or attention. | ||
| It's just the numbers are too vast for a human being. | ||
| A human being belongs in a tribe of small people. | ||
| But the fact that there's so many of us, a small tribe of 50 people, but the fact that there's so many of us that we kind of are forced into this situation where we interact on a daily basis with millions of people that we have no idea who the fuck they are. | ||
| We don't know anything about them. | ||
| And yet we're all combined under the same group. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's when welfare becomes nuts because you're getting money from some people. | ||
| You don't even fucking know these people. | ||
| Fuck those people. | ||
| Give me my money. | ||
| You know, instead of being in a tribe of 50 people, they go, hey, man, why are you doing your work? | ||
| You need to contribute. | ||
| We're a part of a community. | ||
| And then you feel it. | ||
| You feel that. | ||
| Yeah, I am slacking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If there was 10 people on an island and one person was sitting around, you know, if they all got shipwrecked and one person was sitting around going, yeah, bring me my fish. | ||
| Yeah, where's my water? | ||
| You'd go, we got to kill that guy. | ||
| That guy's not using, he's not helping. | ||
| You know, he's using up our valuable resources. | ||
| We have to risk our lives fishing and getting water. | ||
| And this cunt just sits around doing, you'd want to kill him. | ||
| But in a society with 300 million people, it just becomes another thing. | ||
| Just so easy. | ||
| Do you know how easy they make it for you? | ||
| I don't know about now, but because what's going on. | ||
| But do you know how easy they make it for some people? | ||
| Just to be able to. | ||
| I'll tell you how easy it is so you can really shed your pants because I really always drop something on you. | ||
| When you get out of prison, no matter how old you are, you go in there for a fake amass all over with a DUI. | ||
| You come out when you're 26. | ||
| You could do paperwork and claim disability because you're a convicted felon for the rest of your life. | ||
| What? | ||
| Disability. | ||
| How is it a disability that you're a convicted felon? | ||
| A lot of people say they can't get a job because they're felons. | ||
| Who's going to hire a felon? | ||
| So you get disability? | ||
| You don't have a hired fairy. | ||
| They probably just want to keep you from robbing somebody. | ||
| That's probably the logic. | ||
| What's the guy going to do if you're on somebody? | ||
| He's just going to give you a little something. | ||
| So it was really weird. | ||
| I remember leaving there. | ||
| But when my mother died, she worked under her alias. | ||
| My mother had an alias all those years because after she stabbed the guy in Cuba and she came back, she had to change her name because she came back with her friend's ID. | ||
| So my Jimmy runs Jeep. | ||
| It's a real deal. | ||
| But it was funny that I had a fight for Social Security when my mother died and I was 15. | ||
| I needed the money. | ||
| Like I went there 10 times to fight them and oh, we don't know. | ||
| What the fuck don't you know? | ||
| They just give me $200. | ||
| I didn't need the money, Joe. | ||
| But it was just so weird that finally one day I said, I don't need this. | ||
| I go steal for a living. | ||
| I'll go sell drugs. | ||
| I never took after all the drama they put me through for Social Security, but they'd give it to me after I got a felony. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| For the rest of my life. | ||
| $600 a month that I would get on the fifth of every month. | ||
| And if you claim that they talk about the different disabilities and the different, you could get up for like $1,200 a month. | ||
| I wonder if people are ever going to evolve to the point where a society actually can work. | ||
| If like what our problem is, is that society and cities and these giant ideas of countries, they happen so quickly in the development of the human animal that we haven't really evolved enough with our minds and our behavior to operate, like to operate really in a harmonic way with a society. | ||
| And that's why there's all this crime and that's why there's all this bullshit. | ||
| That's why there's all these things that would not be tolerated in the natural group of 50 people that all know each other and love each other and support each other. | ||
| Like we aren't, we're designed to operate in tribes. | ||
| It's very obvious. | ||
| Everybody wants to be on a team. | ||
| Everybody wants to have a family. | ||
| Everybody wants to have friends. | ||
| Everybody wants to have a group. | ||
| You know, we're the death squad. | ||
| Look, I mean, we are like a little family. | ||
| We call ourselves a death squad, all of us together. | ||
| You know, and the reason why we're caught with Opie from Opie and Anthony named us that in like 19 fucking, whatever the hell it was, 2003 or whatever it was. | ||
| I came in with Eddie Bravo and Tate and, you know, and he goes, oh, it's Joe Rogan and his death squad. | ||
| And then we're like, that's hilarious, the death squad, because we were giggling. | ||
| We're like, call ourselves the death squad. | ||
| We're the death squad now. | ||
| And it sounds so stupid. | ||
| But we call ourselves that. | ||
| And we have this death squad podcast network and all that. | ||
| But all this group of comics that we all hang out together, we are like this little tribe. | ||
| We all like this little family. | ||
| It's like a natural thing. | ||
| But it's not natural to do it with 300 million people. | ||
| If we were all together and we all live together, it would be normal. | ||
| We all love each other. | ||
| We all take care of each other. | ||
| We look out for each other. | ||
| If something's happening to one of us, we want to help. | ||
| You know, that's normal shit. | ||
| I wonder if it's ever going to get to the point where we could operate like that with 300 million people. | ||
| Because it obviously doesn't work right now. | ||
| When you have crime and I don't want to say never because I think that human interaction and where we are right now is so different than where it was in the 30s and the 20s and the 50s. | ||
| And just really 10 years ago, social media and the interaction that we have with human beings today, the interaction that we have on with just with Twitter alone, it's so different than human beings who grew up in a different generation, who didn't have this. | ||
| And our connection with each other is very different than people that grew up in a different generation. | ||
| And I think that that's a part of the evolution of the human being. | ||
| And I think that human beings are slowly trying to figure out how to work together in these big giant ass fucking groups. | ||
| I don't think it's impossible. | ||
| It obviously depends on raising children correctly and not developing incredibly fucked up human beings that are a liability. | ||
| But that's possible too. | ||
| You grew up fucked up and you're not a liability. | ||
| You know, I mean, you think of all the crazy stories you've told just today about wanting to kill people, smacking people, the fact that you're a criminal and a thief and that you've been to jail and all these different things. | ||
| But yet here you are hanging out at my house. | ||
| You're one of my best friends. | ||
| You're very productive. | ||
| You're a fucking beautiful stand-up comedian. | ||
| You're a great guy. | ||
| You got a great podcast. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like you pulled it together to become something different. | ||
| And Brian, you know, coming from fucking Columbus, Ohio, and working in a fucking gateway and being stuck in this town and, you know, and being surrounded by a bunch of knuckleheads, you've pulled it together. | ||
| You've become someone different. | ||
| We all evolve. | ||
| We all move into some new phase of life and interact with everybody that's around us in a very different way. | ||
| Is that possible on a mass level? | ||
| Is that possible as a society that we all hold each other accountable, all of us, individually, and we become 300 million people together? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| We come from a society where people don't give a fuck. | ||
| We're too fucking selfish. | ||
| Some people. | ||
| These computers and shit have separated us even more. | ||
| I think these connections. | ||
| These computers have separated us even more. | ||
| I like human contact. | ||
| I do too, but I like to do that. | ||
| I like human contact. | ||
| This is like computer contact. | ||
| You know, the other guy I was with. | ||
| Eddie's good too. | ||
| And I said to Eddie, Eddie, can you call? | ||
| Can you take a picture? | ||
| And this is something that you said to me one night, can you take a picture and put it on Twitter? | ||
| And Eddie goes, yeah. | ||
| My wife goes, you could do it too. | ||
| And I said, you know what? | ||
| When I'm out, I'm living my life. | ||
| I don't want to be on a fucking computer when I'm out. | ||
| That means you're not fucking living. | ||
| When I'm out of my house, I don't want to see Twitter. | ||
| I don't want to see Facebook. | ||
| I don't want to see nothing. | ||
| I'm living my fucking life. | ||
| That's what the problem is with people. | ||
| They're not living no more. | ||
| They're on these fucking things too much. | ||
| And it's losing a little bit of human touch. | ||
| That's what we are losing. | ||
| That's what I feel. | ||
| I feel between the taxi and a lot of stuff, it cuts time, but we're losing human contact. | ||
| It's making us lazy. | ||
| A couple of years ago, a commercial came out, and it was about a business. | ||
| And the guy goes, I'm having a meeting. | ||
| And he started giving away plane tickets. | ||
| And the people were like, the salesman were like, what's this? | ||
| And he goes, we've lost our fucking human. | ||
| Everything is a tweet or a fucking email or something. | ||
| We're going to go back to belly-to-belly sales to look at people in the fucking eye and talk to people again. | ||
| And that's, I mean, we're so loose now. | ||
| This fucking crime, they're jumping up and down in fucking England. | ||
| Mexico is as volatile as it's ever fucking been. | ||
| We're in no danger. | ||
| We can't even drive in fucking Hollywood because people don't even put their fucking blinkers on. | ||
| They're so selfish. | ||
| That's the first way of changing, Joe. | ||
| The way I changed was to start from scratch. | ||
| If you can't pick up a piece of paper as you're walking, you're not going to change. | ||
| If you can't, you know, I used to, when I got the longest shot, I used to go to all these meetings in Hollywood. | ||
| And you go to all these meetings, and every fucking meeting you go to, some dumb motherfucker shows up 20 minutes late and says to you, well, it was the traffic. | ||
| Well, motherfucker, you live in L.A. And guess what I started doing, Joe? | ||
| I started being late. | ||
| And then Monday I caught myself and I go, you know what? | ||
| This is what I'm talking about. | ||
| For me to be a better productive, I have to show people, not tell them, show people. | ||
| And now when I get to a meeting and you're 20 minutes late, I say something to you, dog. | ||
| I say something to you because we're men. | ||
| That's how character. | ||
| How fucking angry is he today? | ||
| And never very angry. | ||
| Very angry. | ||
| You never let your character ruin your destiny. | ||
| And it all starts with little things. | ||
| It doesn't start with being a fake. | ||
| It starts with little things. | ||
| It's character is what people don't see you doing. | ||
| It's the things that people, and that's what we've forgotten. | ||
| Driving Hollywood. | ||
| The other day, there was eight cars. | ||
| Okay, I agree. | ||
| I think that this is definitely people need character, Joey, but you're discounting the idea that technology is connecting people, and that's ridiculous. | ||
| You're discounting the idea that Twitter connects people and Facebook connects people. | ||
| Yes, you should have human interaction. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You should have human interaction, Joey. | ||
| So you got a couple idiots. | ||
| That doesn't mean that there's not a trend of interconnection. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Not everybody. | ||
| That's where it starts. | ||
| If we want to make the world a lot better, it starts with the little things. | ||
| We could talk all this nonsense to people. | ||
| Oh, my God, because the world. | ||
| It all starts with you, dog. | ||
| Oh, my God, because the world. | ||
| You know how these people are. | ||
| You know. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| The world and all this shit. | ||
| It all starts with you. | ||
| I've never seen you more angry. | ||
| I believe in doing. | ||
| I know, but Joey, we're talking about a positive thing, and all of a sudden you're talking about it. | ||
| You turn anything we talk about into something where you're yelling at somebody. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not yelling at me. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Brian? | ||
| I'm passionate about something. | ||
| I'm not yelling at you. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I'm passionate about it. | ||
| Everything is some fucking momos. | ||
| It's fucking idiot. | ||
| It's passion. | ||
| Hey, dog. | ||
| I didn't understand. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck to tell you. | ||
| You want me to be honest with you on your podcast, right? | ||
| If not, you call one of your buddies. | ||
| Joey, I want you to be honest, but I think we should be able to discuss ideas. | ||
| I'm telling you, without becoming you screaming about some personal voice. | ||
| That's why you got to get me real stoned when I get here, dog. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Did you say you peed on yourself? | ||
| I peed on myself, dog. | ||
| How did you do that? | ||
| Fucking sleeping. | ||
| Woke up. | ||
| I was so cold. | ||
| In your bed? | ||
| No, I didn't pee my bed. | ||
| I peed upward. | ||
| Because I had to sleep bacon mask on. | ||
| So I peed upward. | ||
| What? | ||
| Just got my fucking pants wet. | ||
| On purpose? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I do that every day on purpose. | ||
| I was sleeping with you. | ||
| You were peed in your sleep? | ||
| You know, sometimes my room is fucking 50 below zero at night. | ||
| So some nights at six, I'm like, I gotta go to the bed. | ||
| What does your wife do? | ||
| Does she bundle up? | ||
| Oh, bundle up big time. | ||
| So she bundles up so you get that AC crank. | ||
| How many cats are sleeping with you when you're doing this? | ||
| Two. | ||
| Two. | ||
| Only two? | ||
| The same two every time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the other nine don't get embarrassed? | ||
| They tap out in the cold, in cold air. | ||
| They fuck it. | ||
| They can't take the cold air? | ||
| And sometimes I get up in the middle of that and my wife is gone. | ||
| How do you keep your place from smelling like cat shit? | ||
| Because I have a problem in my fucking office. | ||
| You clean it every day. | ||
| You change a little every day. | ||
| If you're a filthy animal, that's what happened. | ||
| You ever go to somebody's house? | ||
| Oh, you get to change it every day. | ||
| It still stinks. | ||
| Every time my little girl, she loves wet food, little spas. | ||
| She loves wet food. | ||
| But when I give her that wet food, goddamn her, she stinks. | ||
| The wet food will kill you. | ||
| But they love it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| I only give her wet food every couple days. | ||
| I get these other crystals. | ||
| But she mows. | ||
| I pay a little extra for these other crystals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, do you like the blue crystal? | ||
| Are you talking about the blue crystal? | ||
| I don't like blue crystal. | ||
| My wife. | ||
| Welcome. | ||
| Tonight we'll watch. | ||
| It's a cat shit. | ||
| We do a podcast once in a while all about cats called Pod Cats. | ||
| And that's all we're like. | ||
| We talk about litter control. | ||
| We're talking about the litter thing. | ||
| You don't get one of those electric ones that shit don't rust, right? | ||
| That shit rusts. | ||
| It works for like a month. | ||
| It's just another thing that's fucking up. | ||
| Do you have a litter box with a dome over it? | ||
| You have that, right? | ||
| You got to have that. | ||
| I got four domes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got one. | |
| They say, oh, it's a carbon filter. | ||
| My little girl, that little spaz, she will make the stinkiest shits. | ||
| I almost get upset at her. | ||
| But, you know, you can't get upset. | ||
| She doesn't have it. | ||
| As soon as I smell something, I'll clean it out. | ||
| I got to scoop it out and flush it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scoop it out and flush it. | |
| That's what I do. | ||
| I scoop it out and flush it. | ||
| And I change the litter every two days, but I stay on it. | ||
| It's just so gross. | ||
| Those creepy little animals. | ||
| They're in there scratching on the shitty fucking litter and pissy litter. | ||
| And then they get out and just walk around your house. | ||
| Shitty litter and pissy little paws. | ||
| And it's, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the difference between them? | |
| He definitely has that feline virus for sure. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| He's got a lot of stuff. | ||
| For sure, 100%. | ||
| Listen to how crazy he got in. | ||
| Honestly, I think this would be great for the podcast. | ||
| Get it tested. | ||
| And we give it live results. | ||
| You know, that'd be funny. | ||
| For those who don't know what we're talking about, there's a cat parasite called Toxoplasma. | ||
| Look it up on the internet. | ||
| A lot of people are infected by this cat parasite, and it alters human behavior. | ||
| And it makes you more impulsive and crazy, and that's probably Joey doing it. | ||
| It makes girls more semistic. | ||
| You guys keep believing that dumb shit you fucking say. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Keep believing what? | ||
| Toxoplasma? | ||
| It's 100% true. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's 60 million Americans. | ||
| I've had cats for six fucking years. | ||
| Joey. | ||
| It also makes your wife or your girlfriend, whatever you were saying that shit. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's expected. | ||
| Follow, like I said to you that my nonsense days are over. | ||
| No nonsense. | ||
| It's science. | ||
| You come correct because if not, I walk out of the fucking room. | ||
| Joey, what are you talking about? | ||
| Toxoplasma is not nonsense. | ||
| Now I got a cat disease without my cat man. | ||
| Listen to you talk. | ||
| That sounds exactly like they say with someone who has a disease. | ||
| I'm aggravated, though. | ||
| I'm fucking aggravated. | ||
| Someone who has a cat disease talks exactly like that. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Look, Joey, a lot of people have it. | ||
| They don't know that they have it. | ||
| I'm sure I have it. | ||
| 60 million Americans have it. | ||
| 60 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| What do you mean you don't? | ||
| They all got iPhone. | ||
| Pretending they don't. | ||
| They all got iPhones. | ||
| What time you got, though? | ||
| Time for you to go home. | ||
| You should have 10. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 10.15, 5-0. | ||
| You should do this with your wife early. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Have her put her mouth inside of your mouth and have her talk inside your mouth. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, Brian. | ||
| You wonder why people yell at you? | ||
| You wonder why people yell at you. | ||
| You'll knock it. | ||
| You'll like it. | ||
| No, no one talks inside my mouth, dude. | ||
| Dude, it echoes in the head. | ||
| It's so creepy sounding. | ||
| It's creepy sounding. | ||
| And this is what I'm saying. | ||
| Just try it out. | ||
| Make sure there's no earthy fight. | ||
| In this podcast, we have really covered the full spectrum of life of welfare and black people in the movie theaters and stabbing people. | ||
| Oh, fucking air conditioning and bad weather. | ||
| There is air conditioning here. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Believe it or not. | ||
| And we've covered everything. | ||
| We've covered it all, folks. | ||
| And, you know, it's been a wild ride. | ||
| And I enjoyed it most of the time. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| There's a few times broke. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I love it when Joey Diaz goes crazy. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things ever. | ||
| Yeah, I love when you go off, too. | ||
| But, you know, there's no absolutes on these. | ||
| I love you to death, bro. | ||
| You invite me up here, but have the best. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| You do you too. | ||
| And you got to get me in here and good shit from the jump. | ||
| You know how I roll, dog. | ||
| I can't have that shit that, yeah, this guy, you got to get the A1 weed and calm me down. | ||
| That was train wreck. | ||
| I think you need to go to the gym. | ||
| The train wreck in Hollywood is different from the train wreck in Hollywood. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| I got this shit on La Brea. | ||
| You don't even know he was hovering much. | ||
| I got this shit at the clinic where the guy. | ||
| You're not growing this shit. | ||
| Joey, now this is from La Brea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen. | |
| I can't believe he did it. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| I can't believe Rogan brought you that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I gave him some bunk weed, right? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Fumba Lumps. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out who Susquehanna. | ||
| Susquehanna. | ||
| You really don't know what Susquehanna is? | ||
| It's Hannah Montana. | ||
| No, when Abby and Costello used to pull scans, they used to always work for the Susquehanna Hat Company because it was make-believe. | ||
| How do you remember that? | ||
| That's comedy. | ||
| That's real comedy. | ||
| The Susquehanna hat. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you learned a lot today. | ||
| Stay black. | ||
| Because we sure did. | ||
| This is motherfuckers. | ||
| This is the best. | ||
| This is, look, there's a full spectrum of Joey Diaz. | ||
| Happy birthday. | ||
| Today we got an angry, intense Joey Diaz. | ||
| Happy birthday, Rogan. | ||
| Happy birthday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| It's not quite my birthday. | ||
| Happy birthday to you, Brian, because your birthday already passed. | ||
| Happy birthday. | ||
| Can we have it, brother? | ||
| Go see Planet of the Apes. | ||
| Go see Red State. | ||
| Come see us at the Paps Theater. | ||
| Come see us at the Paps Theater in Milwaukee. | ||
| August 13th. | ||
| Come see us at the Paramount Theater in Denver. | ||
| September 23rd. | ||
| Unless you're Joey Diaz's ex-wife or her ex-husband. | ||
| Is she still married to that guy? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Don't come. | ||
| If you're that guy, don't come. | ||
| Oh, by the way, Brea tomorrow night. | ||
| Oh, or San Jose Improv the 25th of August. | ||
| Who's with you tomorrow night in Brea? | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| Maybe I'll come down. | ||
| I'm working in Pomona tomorrow night. | ||
| Is that close to Brea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it is, I'll come down. | ||
| Listen, folks, I fucking love you guys. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| I hope you enjoyed this. | ||
| This is, you know, it's not a normal one. | ||
| It's a little different, but. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a special audition. | |
| It is what it is, bitches. | ||
| It's all love. | ||
| It's all love. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| This is the only podcast we're doing this week. | ||
| Very busy this week with the Fear Factor, but, you know, that's why I love you guys. | ||
| This is why we decided to do a late night one. | ||
| I worked all day. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| So this is what me, me and Joey will probably do one this weekend. | ||
| We'll probably do one on the plane. | ||
| On the way back home. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| See you next week. | ||
| Next week with Kevin Smith. | ||
| Trying to get Duncan in here next week, too. | ||
| And we're supposed to do Jay Moore, but Brian and him had a Twitter feud. | ||
| So I don't know if that's going to take place or not. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Either way, Shazam, Asalaamu Laikum. | ||
| Big kiss to you, mama. | ||
| Anything to say, Brian? | ||
| I love the fleshlight, Joey Diaz. | ||
| More than I like Jay Moore. | ||
| You don't like Jay Moore anymore? | ||
| Yeah, I think he got a little crazy. | ||
| He went a little babying. | ||
| He did he get a little, you know, there was a little Twitter war out of nowhere. | ||
| He said, all right, here's the whole Jay Moore thing in a nutshell. | ||
| He's friends with Tom Segura. | ||
| And Tom's like, hey, can you please help Jay Moore out and give him some information? | ||
| He wants to do a podcast. | ||
| If you could just talk to him. | ||
| So I was like, yeah, sure. | ||
| How can give me a call? | ||
| He calls me up. | ||
| I'm like, hey, you know, I'm really busy, but I can lead you in the right direction. | ||
| If I ever have any free chance, I'll help you out here and there and stuff like that. | ||
| He goes, well, can you just email me all the things I need? | ||
| So I emailed him like some equipment that he should buy on Amazon. | ||
| You know, Amazon.com, gave him a web host that he should go. | ||
| And then he wrote me back like, hey, how much does all this stuff cost? | ||
| And I'm like, well, just click on the links, you know, anyways. | ||
| So I wrote back to him. | ||
| He said he asked you to add it all up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How did he say it? | ||
| He's like, hey, can you add that all up for me or something like that? | ||
| Can you add that all up? | ||
| Yeah, like he wanted me to click on all the links and add it up for him for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But that's asking a lot. | ||
| That's asking a lot from a guy you don't know. | ||
| No, don't know the guy. | ||
| All of a sudden, you went out of your way to provide him with all the information. | ||
| And that's another thing. | ||
| I don't know this guy. | ||
| I'm doing this a favor. | ||
| I had to go on Amazon, find links and copy and paste and actually spend some time for a complete stranger, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so then he said, you never met Jaymoor. | ||
| Never met Jaymoor. | ||
| So then he says, can you add all this shit up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I said, you know, look, because I think he was kind of confused with everything. | ||
| He's like, I said, hey, if you want to use my studio, you can use it anytime you want to. | ||
| And he completely ignored that. | ||
| And he goes, hey, sent me another email. | ||
| We were on the road at the time. | ||
| I missed his last email he sent me. | ||
| I didn't even know he sent it to me. | ||
| Come to like a month or two later, Tom Sagura goes, can you please write Jay Moore a letter detailing everything he needs to do to do a podcast? | ||
| I'm like, okay, I'll make it super detailed. | ||
| No, that's fine. | ||
| This is how you get on iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, this is how you get on iTunes. | ||
| Dude, take the ST card. | ||
| Actually was saying, take the ST card out of your computer. | ||
| You know, like it was that detail. | ||
| I was writing it. | ||
| And then like two days later, like I'm still writing this letter. | ||
| I see that he has a podcast. | ||
| So I just like, oh, I guess with Kevin Smith. | ||
| So I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I don't have to send this out anymore. | ||
| So I just ignored it. | ||
| And then I noticed he started tweeting me like fucking crazy, like tagging me. | ||
| If you search his timeline since March, he has tweeted my name's in there 24 times. | ||
| I've never tweeted that dude once. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I don't know this guy. | ||
| All right. | ||
| So then finally, I'm on my birthday weekend. | ||
| I'm out of town. | ||
| I'm at Disneyland. | ||
| And I'm like looking at my phone. | ||
| And it's like, fuck you, Red Band. | ||
| You know, why don't you return a phone call? | ||
| And he's like saying, I don't return phone calls. | ||
| Check my phone records. | ||
| He's not called me. | ||
| I've talked to him once on the phone. | ||
| He's never called me again. | ||
| So he's like making up all this shit and telling me to fuck off. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| I have no idea, but you know, from all, from, from the people that came to me after that, like a lot of big comedians came to me and was like, dude, you know, I have problems with him. | ||
| You know, F this guy. | ||
| Don't worry about him. | ||
| Stanhope doesn't like him. | ||
| Yeah, Stanhope doesn't like him. | ||
| And that's pretty well known. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, it's, you know what? | ||
| I don't know what his problem is. | ||
| I have no problem with the guy. | ||
| I just, you know, he had a little hissy fit. | ||
| And now just so I wouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| It's so weird, though. | ||
| It doesn't make sense that he would just go after you on Twitter like that. | ||
| And he's like, be a man. | ||
| But meanwhile, he's going after you on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is. | ||
| And he's saying that I'm not returning calls and making up pretty much fake bullshit. | ||
| But how weird is it to go after someone on Twitter saying you're not calling me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that's that's weird, dude. | ||
| Do we be a man? | ||
| Are you going after someone on Twitter? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I like Jay. | ||
| I've never had a single problem with Jay. | ||
| Jay Moore and I have always been cool. | ||
| I was looking forward to having him on the podcast. | ||
| And I actually wrote him a message saying, hey, let's work this out next week. | ||
| I'm busy with Fear Factor. | ||
| I'll call you soon. | ||
| And then right after I wrote that, then I read all these tweets that you and him were going back and forth with. | ||
| He wasn't doing shit. | ||
| He was torturing him. | ||
| You were just getting tweeted at when he was calling you a bitch or whatever the fuck he was saying to you. | ||
| And I was like, this is just weird. | ||
| Did he get drunk or something? | ||
| No, from what people have been telling me, that he has a side of him where he spazzes out and this is normal for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I guess, like, he just goes after people? | |
| He just has a temper. | ||
| You have problems with him. | ||
| I know a lot of people have problems with him. | ||
| I just mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know a lot of people have problems with him, though. | |
| Your buddy. | ||
| Al Magical had problems with him. | ||
| A lot of people have problems with him. | ||
| What is Al Magical's problems with him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I know a lot of people have problems with him. | ||
| I just avoid him. | ||
| When you told me you were buddying up with him, I just closed my fucking ear because I knew that was going to be a disaster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because just why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Well, I was just going to do his podcast. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| Look, I said, I think he's funny. | ||
| He's got great impressions. | ||
| The dude does the best Christopher Walking on the fucking face of the planet. | ||
| He's got a hilarious Colin Quinn. | ||
| His Colin Quinn is as funny as Colin Quinn. | ||
| I mean, I think he's a talented guy. | ||
| He's got a great Tracy Morrison. | ||
| How cool is he? | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| That's not the conversation. | ||
| Look, what I know, I know. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I have to judge him based on my interactions with him. | ||
| And my interactions with him have always been cool. | ||
| He's always been nice to me. | ||
| I've never had a problem with him. | ||
| He's always been cool with me. | ||
| But, you know, I don't like reading all that shit. | ||
| I don't like seeing anybody doing shit like that. | ||
| But you did that to Brian too. | ||
| You know, you went after Brian too on Twitter. | ||
| Just the same way. | ||
| But it's the same fucking way. | ||
| You went after him on Twitter the exact same way that you're criticizing right here. | ||
| First of all, I didn't know what was really going on. | ||
| And if you want to really know Brian, it was these motherfuckers that got us all going. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Because me and you were cool. | ||
| Who's these? | ||
| Who would call me back? | ||
| All these outside fucking forces that we call our fucking friends were the ones that were tweeting me and saying all this shit. | ||
| So next time me and you sit down, I'll fucking tell you. | ||
| And that's why I got pissed off. | ||
| When I went to Jerry's that night and that dude came up to me, that's what got me pissed off. | ||
| Because you're my brother. | ||
| You and me never had a fucking problem. | ||
| We goof around all the fucking time. | ||
| That's why when they told me that you were furious and stuff, I got so hurt. | ||
| I called you right away. | ||
| I called you right away. | ||
| There's no, you know me. | ||
| There's a problem. | ||
| I call. | ||
| I call or I show up. | ||
| That's the worst thing about me. | ||
| I love showing up. | ||
| Joey's just having fun over here. | ||
| No, I know he is, but bro, I love you to death. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Nothing like that. | ||
| And I love everything about you. | ||
| Fucking nothing like that, dog. | ||
| I know, you know, listen, bro, that's why I don't deal with a lot of these fucking guys because I know where it's going to end up. | ||
| And this is the type of person I am. | ||
| I don't know how to deal. | ||
| I don't know how to argue. | ||
| I don't know how to go to court. | ||
| I don't know how to play those games. | ||
| Those are not games that I grew up playing. | ||
| So when people throw that at me or burotics, whatever the fuck that word is, I can't deal with that. | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| But just come talk to me like a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because if you don't, I don't want to take this back up. | |
| No, no, no, I'm not talking about you. | ||
| I'm talking about anybody. | ||
| If they don't come talk to me like a man, Brian, if they don't come talk to you like a man, then you're going to suspect their countiness. | ||
| And then you know what? | ||
| After a while, I don't even want to deal with them because I know, like my mom used to say, if it sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through. | ||
| So just leave it alone. | ||
| If you have a bad week the first day with them, you know what? | ||
| This is going to suck all the way through. | ||
| So let's just shake and part friends because why put yourself through this shit before I stab you? | ||
| He's going to start getting angry at someone who's not here again. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not going to get angry at you. | ||
| I'll tell you, I was fucking 12 years old. | ||
| I told that cocksucker then. | ||
| I'll tell you now. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, play the music. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Let's bring this motherfucker home. | ||
| Let's bring it home in a positive direction, Joe Diaz. | ||
| And I know you said something on Twitter the other day that people who talk about positivity are probably cunts. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| I talk about that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| And you got to lighten up on it. | ||
| You got to lighten up, but you got to stop eating all my fucking cough drops. | ||
| You came over here and yelled 100,000 negative things today. | ||
| Don't you tell me what to be positive or negative? | ||
| Just be positive. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, it helps people. | ||
| It helps people recognize that other people like to think that way too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm talking about whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| I got a podcast, bitch. | ||
| You can't stop me. | ||
| You can't tell me what the fuck to talk about. | ||
| I'm going to keep it going. | ||
| I'm going to keep it bumping, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Death Squad 2012. | ||
| That's why I ended up. | ||
| Tuesday, August 9th. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| Thank you to the flashlight. | ||
| Please go to joerogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for the flashlight. | ||
| Enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| And you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And you can shoot loads in it to your heart's content at a discount. | ||
| They don't pee on you. | ||
| See you next week. |
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