June 20, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:02
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Recording. | ||
| We're broadcasting. | ||
| Hey, everybody! | ||
| I forgot to say, um, let's get going, buckle up, bitches, or anything like that. | ||
| Um, the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Miles Giovanni's in the house, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Fuck yeah, bitches! | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| The official music. | ||
| Because it wouldn't be a podcast. | ||
| It wouldn't feel like a real show. | ||
| See now? | ||
| Boom! | ||
| We're in action. | ||
| See that, Maz Jobrani? | ||
| It feels a lot more legit right now. | ||
| It does. | ||
| My good pal Maz Jobrani is with us, and we have to talk shit before we get started about the fucking Tascam DR-100. | ||
| This is our third one, you dirty bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
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How about... | |
| Okay, Tascam MP3 recorder people, get your fucking shit together. | ||
| How about... | ||
| Askam. | ||
| That's how bad they are. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look, there you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Not Tascam. | ||
| Askam, says Maz Jobrani. | ||
| It gets all these great reviews, and honestly, it makes some great sound. | ||
| It sounds awesome. | ||
| It's an excellent piece of kit, as it were. | ||
| But unfortunately, it fucking breaks all the time. | ||
| This is our third one. | ||
| And no, I don't send it in for warranty, because I ain't got that kind of time. | ||
| And I'm a fancy man, Maz Jobrani. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So I just order another one with that one-click shit on Amazon.com. | ||
| But this is the third one. | ||
| You're like Lex Luthor in Superman. | ||
| They never wore the same pair of socks two days in a row. | ||
| I'm like a black rapper who throws away his white sneakers. | ||
| Yeah, motherfucker! | ||
| We used to go on the road with Charlie Murphy, and Charlie Murphy used to throw away new sneakers. | ||
| He would get a little scuff. | ||
| He's like, that's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| It's over for those sneakers. | ||
| You're a comedian. | ||
| You're not playing basketball. | ||
| Charlie Murphy, he wears those ridiculous rapper chains. | ||
| They're covered in diamonds and bling bling. | ||
| And he doesn't wear them all when he goes on stage. | ||
| He takes them off, and he puts them on his cousin Rich's head. | ||
| Rich is like his tour manager, and Rich will hold onto the chains. | ||
| Is that in case he gets shot or something? | ||
| No, he just doesn't want to bling too hard when he's on stage. | ||
| He doesn't want to distract from the message. | ||
| It's really hard for a comedian to be too blingy. | ||
| Only black comedians can be blingy. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Cat Williams can pull it off, because he's got that whole pimp persona thing going on. | ||
| But yeah, white guy with a lot of diamonds, like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I saw Prince in concert recently. | ||
| I saw Prince in concert. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| The guy's amazing. | ||
| He's And I was like, a comedian could never dress like Prince and do... | ||
| You get a certain license to be weird with music. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He came out at one point with fur leg warmer thingies. | ||
| Can you imagine, as a comedian, coming next to the stage, Joe Rogan showing up in fur? | ||
| Leg warmers. | ||
|
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That'd be great. | |
| He just pushes it, man. | ||
| And chicks fucking love him! | ||
| Oh my god, he's ridiculous. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| There's something about him that to them is very... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| He's like 5'3", he's 18 pounds, and he wears women's clothes, but he's sexy. | ||
| They want to fuck him. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I was there with my wife. | ||
| I was like, there's nothing else this guy could do. | ||
| He's made to do this. | ||
| It reminds me of a UPS guy. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| If he shows up... | ||
| He says, you can't. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| He's a brilliant artist. | ||
| He is amazing. | ||
| He's just a weird guy. | ||
| I think all brilliant, the really brilliant artists, I'm finding, are all almost completely fucking crazy. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| All the good ones. | ||
| Even all the composers, Beethoven, all those guys were all nuts. | ||
| They're fucking minds. | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| There was fucking nothing but axes hitting trees back then. | ||
| That was the sound they heard. | ||
| And one guy figures out, you know, not really, but, you know, people back then that did figure out how to orchestrate music and how to create music and compose incredible works of music that are still listened to hundreds of years later. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, that's pretty nuts, man. | ||
| And we don't even know what his shit really sounded like. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| But also, I was listening to the radio one time, they were talking about, because some of these guys, like autistic people, some of them are like geniuses in one way, and autistic, or they have problems in another way. | ||
| This one kid, they were saying, autistic, couldn't communicate, he's at home with his mom and dad, they watch some movie that had a Beethoven concerto in it. | ||
| Just watch it once. | ||
| The kid's like 12 years old. | ||
| The mother goes to sleep, middle of the night, wakes up, thinks that the TV's playing it again. | ||
| The kid's at the piano playing that song from watching it once. | ||
| He's just learned the song. | ||
| So these guys are geniuses in one way and crazy in another way. | ||
| Yeah, we've talked about autistic savants on the podcast a bunch of times before because there's so many really amazing examples of That kind of power. | ||
| I bet a lot of famous musicians and composers and geniuses in the past were probably autistic savants. | ||
| They just didn't know how to diagnose it. | ||
| They just considered them geniuses. | ||
| Yeah, or maybe there's even certain... | ||
| As you were talking about Prince, there's certain levels of it. | ||
| You've got the rock star who's... | ||
| Brilliant and amazing, but he can't remember his address. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like Ozzy Osbourne. | ||
| Yeah, he needs someone to babysit him. | ||
| I think a lot of that stuff is that. | ||
| These guys are... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it amazing that music for hundreds and hundreds of years was just written down? | ||
| Like, you couldn't record it. | ||
| So, like, composers, like, when they created a piece of work, it's actually, like, writing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's how, like, this is my work. | ||
| This is what I've done. | ||
| I've combined all these notes in a certain way. | ||
| But you don't even get to listen to them do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They never got a chance to record anything. | ||
| We'll never hear Beethoven actually directing any music, you know? | ||
| Until time travel. | ||
| Yeah, until time travel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But isn't that amazing, though? | ||
| That for hundreds of years, it was just written down. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| I wonder if it would sound any different, too. | ||
| Like, I'd be listening to the Beatles when they released the mono version, which was supposedly the superior version, was the mono versions of all the Beatles songs, because they were recorded in mono. | ||
| And then later, they remastered them in stereo, because stereo was so popular, and that's what you grew up on, was listening to stereo music versions of what was not supposed to be stereo. | ||
|
unidentified
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So people actually like listening to the mono versions now, But I wonder how much of that is people just being like, oh, you should have heard that. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| People do that all the time. | ||
| You should, oh, man, the classic. | ||
| When in reality, it's like HD versus... | ||
| Well, it's kind of mixed different, too, though. | ||
| Things that come out in stereo that weren't really necessarily supposed to be out more. | ||
| So I actually have both versions, and definitely I could see what people are saying. | ||
| It's more hardcore hitting, and everything seems mixed properly compared to what now some guy in some THX lab is like, No, I think this little jingle over here should be louder. | ||
| I think I'm going to have to get into fucking vinyl. | ||
| I think I'm going to have to buy a record player and some headphones and listen to what the fuck everybody's saying. | ||
| Because when you talk to real audiophiles, they'll tell you that a vinyl LP is the way to go and that you lose something in the sound. | ||
| When you go to CD, you lose a quality, a layer. | ||
| Can you even buy a record player anymore? | ||
| They're huge now. | ||
| They actually sell records at Best Buy now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The music industry is trying to find a new thing, and one of the things is going retro, going back to vinyl because it sounds better or whatever. | ||
| And that's all up to debate, in my opinion. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| You think old TVs will make a comeback? | ||
| Wouldn't that be funny? | ||
| If you go in, you're like, this is not HD. Yeah. | ||
| Well, it seems like they could get away with it with Blu-ray, where they don't have to have compression anymore. | ||
| You know, they have compression to get it to CD, to digitize it. | ||
| Like, maybe they could add that quality to it if they stretched it out and made it a larger file. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| I think they do. | ||
| Yeah, I think FLAC or whatever that version is, I think that is something that's very close to it, or what people... | ||
| I'm going to have to talk to some real audio people. | ||
| So the reason why I even brought it up is somebody on my message board made a post suggesting that I put out my next CD on vinyl. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, I've never even thought about doing that. | ||
| That's a weird suggestion. | ||
| That might be kind of cool, actually. | ||
| It is a cool idea. | ||
| It's kind of like, I don't know if you've heard about this, but I guess Stephen Wright is writing a novel on Twitter. | ||
| Did you hear about this? | ||
| Did you hear about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's straight up like, you know, he found out, you know, he took, you know how he's like, I mean, he's known for the shorter jokes, right? | ||
| So he decided, well, Twitter is about being short, so I'm going to write a novel. | ||
| So supposedly, he's writing a novel, and you can come in at any point And you might not know what's going on. | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| He just continues to write a novel. | ||
| I have to follow him. | ||
| Is it Stefan or Steve with a V? I think it's with a V, actually. | ||
| I think it's Steven. | ||
| But what I'm saying is the same thing. | ||
| If you bust it out with... | ||
| Everyone else is coming out with the new... | ||
| I'm going to put my album out like this, like that. | ||
| And you bust out with a record vinyl. | ||
| That might be a way to go. | ||
| This can't be him. | ||
| He only has 15,000 followers? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, that probably is about right. | ||
| How can you find out if it's the real deal or not? | ||
| Well, usually they're verified. | ||
| I'm verified. | ||
| Joan Rivers right here says it's verified. | ||
| Follow Joan Rivers. | ||
| But Stephen Wright doesn't say verified. | ||
| I'm going to take a chance and follow him anyway. | ||
| Because I think a lot of those old school guys like Stephen Wright are probably just now embracing technology. | ||
| So that might be a real number. | ||
| He might really only have seven. | ||
| We could re-release your website in bitmaps. | ||
| What is bitmaps? | ||
| Instead of JPEGs? | ||
| We can go... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, vinyl photo compressions. | ||
| Just go old school with everything. | ||
| Just crappy with everything. | ||
| We all go back to like three second video GIFs instead of having you stream. | ||
| We just have a GIF animation. | ||
| Oh, he is writing a novel. | ||
| He's writing a novel, right? | ||
| Oh, this is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| He's writing a fucking novel on Twitter. | ||
| That's sweet. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| That's just brilliant. | ||
| I can't wait to follow. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| I was like, that is such a great idea. | ||
| And he ends TBC on like every post. | ||
| To be continued. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| To be continued. | ||
| And you get to just follow along with it. | ||
| This is so strange. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| But brilliant. | ||
| Addressing the question. | ||
| This was extremely tiring for Harold because of his attention with Drift. | ||
| And for some reason, the abstract speech that his mother was making. | ||
| Like a toy train, his brain would stay firmly on track, weaving, turning through, to be continued, previously unconnected subjects. | ||
| Harold had the opposite of ADD. He needed to go some to some school somewhere. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Some typo. | ||
| Needed to go some to some school somewhere and learn how to space to be continued. | ||
| Out. | ||
| To be continued and then out. | ||
| Space, to be continued, out. | ||
| The last dream he had was about a man who invented mirrors. | ||
| When Harold woke up the next day, all he could remember was that he, to be continued, had a dream. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's hilarious. | |
| This is definitely him. | ||
| This is definitely him. | ||
| But this is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard anybody doing. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Stephen Wright's a maniac. | ||
| How funny is it? | ||
| You know, he was the guy who single-handedly, his success threw this monkey wrench into the whole Boston comedy scene. | ||
| There's a great documentary by this guy, Fran Salamita. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'm going to have to look it up what the name of it is. | ||
| Have you ever worked with him before? | ||
| Yeah, Fran was a comic from Boston. | ||
| How did he throw a wrench into the scene? | ||
| Because he got successful, and when he got successful, everybody kind of freaked out. | ||
| When stand-up stood out, that's what it's called. | ||
| Boston was this incredible place where there were so many great, great comedians that were local guys, and they would just work locally constantly. | ||
| And all of a sudden, Stephen Wright got discovered. | ||
| And Stephen Wright started doing Letterman and Carson. | ||
| And everybody was like, holy shit. | ||
| Then he got his HGO special. | ||
| And then everybody was like, where's mine? | ||
| When is this going to happen for me? | ||
| And it kind of changed the tone of the town. | ||
| Because it used to be this almost like... | ||
| I want to say artist colony, but not so fucking gay. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because they were savages. | ||
| They were crazy, coke snorting, weed smoking, whiskey drinking animals. | ||
| And they were fucking hilarious. | ||
| And they were just doing it to make everybody laugh and to get by and get paid. | ||
| But then all of a sudden, the dream sort of appeared in Stephen Wright form. | ||
| Stephen Wright all of a sudden became fucking huge and famous and national. | ||
| And these guys were like, yeah, Stephen's good, but I'm fucking good too. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And it kind of changed the whole tone of the town. | ||
| Guys started really working towards deals. | ||
| It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it became there was a different goal on the horizon. | ||
| It wasn't just being funny. | ||
| It's crazy how success can get in the way of art. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And often does. | ||
| Often does, but doesn't have to. | ||
| It's all manageable. | ||
| It's manageable. | ||
| People say, oh, you sold out. | ||
| Shut up, stupid. | ||
| You don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| As long as you're still doing good stuff and having fun. | ||
| Well, I think part of it is, like with you, I know seeing you at the comedy store when I first was starting there, the good thing about you was even when you had a show or anything going, you still kept that mentality of, I've got to get up and create and write, and you continue to do that. | ||
| And so the idea is you can get out of that quote-unquote artist colony With success, but then you remind yourself, it's like a boxer. | ||
| I've got to keep training. | ||
| I think your motivation changes. | ||
| Your motivation goes from being the motivation of, I'm just trying to make it. | ||
| I want success. | ||
| I want to be recognized. | ||
| You get some success, then you go, okay, now I just want to do good stuff. | ||
| I just want to have fun. | ||
| Now my interest is just on the jokes. | ||
| It's just on creating the new bit. | ||
| It's just on putting the act together. | ||
| It actually becomes more fun that way. | ||
| How exciting is it when you come up with a bit or something, it's as good as getting a big paycheck where you're like, that was cool. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're so excited about it. | ||
| One of the problems of success is it becomes harder To write newer stuff unless if you put yourself in those lab kind of situations where you're saying, okay, I'm going to work out some new stuff. | ||
| People come expecting you to always do those killer whatever things. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| It's a fun problem. | ||
| It's a tester, but it's a fun tester. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why we like doing that Sal's Comedy Hole because it's real small. | ||
| It's like 80 people, and I'll fuck around and not even know what I'm really going to say about something. | ||
| And they know that that's what you're doing. | ||
| They know that you're fucking around a lot. | ||
| And I do most of my real bits, too. | ||
| I want to give them solid stand-up, but I also want to use the opportunity to fuck around and stretch out. | ||
| I never do a full... | ||
| Like a full sacrifice set. | ||
| I won't go up there with only new bits and just eat dick. | ||
| I don't like doing that, man. | ||
| I don't think they like it either. | ||
| The only time I've recently tried something like that is the Laugh Factory was doing something with Kevin Nealon on Tuesdays. | ||
| It was known as 7 Minutes of New Material. | ||
| And then Kevin Nealon comes on stage and sits with you. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He kind of rips with you and makes fun of the material but also gives you some ideas. | ||
| And the audience, well, they're supposed to know that that's what they're there for. | ||
| Half the audience, whenever I go up there, I go, how many of you guys knew you were coming for this? | ||
| And like two or three people clapped. | ||
| The rest of them thought it was a real show. | ||
| But the idea is you're supposed to go up with seven minutes of brand new, like never try. | ||
| So every time I've gone up there, I've like just gone into my Blackberry and looked at the ideas I've had that I've just put down that I haven't riffed on. | ||
| I just go up and riff. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| And good things come out of it. | ||
| Gotta take chances, man. | ||
| Stand-up comedy is one of the most important things about it. | ||
| Constantly moving. | ||
| Constantly taking chances. | ||
| Some new thing comes out in the news. | ||
| Get on stage that day. | ||
| When Anthony Weiner, when the shit went down, I went on stage that night and had 10 new minutes. | ||
| Because I was just writing about it all day. | ||
| How ridiculous it was. | ||
| I was just laughing. | ||
| We're living in a fucking Coen Brothers movie. | ||
| There's a dude named Weiner... | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| It's even out. | ||
| It's a steady number. | ||
| This fucking guy's name is Wiener, and he's taking pictures of his dick and sending it to women. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't even seem like it could be real. | ||
| I know, it's ridiculous. | ||
| If it was a movie, you would go, that's shitty writing. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Right, yeah, come on, dude. | ||
| You gotta give him another name. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It's like whenever these senators get caught doing gay shit. | ||
| It's always the same thing with these anti-gay senators that get caught ganging out. | ||
| You're like, God damn it, man. | ||
| Is it that easy? | ||
| This is the solution? | ||
| This is really what's going on? | ||
| Well, there's so much of that going on now. | ||
| I just saw Andrew Cuomo, Mary Cuomo's son. | ||
| He's now the governor of New York. | ||
| I think it's Andrew Cuomo. | ||
| Governor Cuomo was up there talking about... | ||
| They just showed a clip of him, and I was like... | ||
| He seems like he's a Cuomo. | ||
| He seems like he's legit. | ||
| In the back of my mind, I'm like, I hope he's not banging some lady. | ||
|
unidentified
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If he's a lady, he can live through a lady. | |
| He can live through a lady. | ||
| Weiner, we don't know. | ||
| I mean, did he actually have sex with him? | ||
| No, no sex. | ||
| It was just like sending pictures of his penis. | ||
| He's just a freak. | ||
| He's just a freak. | ||
| Yeah, so now he's gone. | ||
| So what I'm saying is if Governor Cuomo were found to be having an affair, he's done. | ||
| I mean, you can't. | ||
| Yes, I agree with you. | ||
| Yeah, you know, in this day and age, there's really going to be a time real soon where there's no one left to run for office. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Everybody's got fucking skeletons. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Do you think that Wiener, during that whole week before he stepped down, do you think he was like, please let there be a deadly hurricane? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| Please let there be an earthquake in Africa. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the Gary Condit thing. | ||
| Remember when 9-11 happened? | ||
| You remember Gary Condit and Chandra Levy? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Chandra Levy was his assistant. | ||
| She turned out missing. | ||
| Everybody thought he killed her because he was having an affair with her. | ||
| There was all this craziness, and then they found her body. | ||
| But he got off. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| Oh, he got off, huh? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, and they apparently connected her murder to a guy who had killed a few women in that area, so it might have actually been legit. | ||
| It might have been a serial killer. | ||
| Oh, shit, okay. | ||
| Well, who the fuck knows? | ||
| That concept that you had is kind of funny. | ||
| You should riff on that about pretty soon there'll be no one left to run. | ||
| It'll be like the most unsexable people. | ||
| Someone no one wants to have any sex with. | ||
| You gotta get really ugly, kind of like, you know, just like warty people. | ||
| You gotta be someone that no one's attracted to, to run. | ||
| Because you're like, well, there's no way anyone had sex with that guy. | ||
| I think it's going to come down to a point real soon where we have to come to grips with the fact that everybody that wants to be president, anybody that wants to be in control like that, there's some serious sexual weirdness going on with you. | ||
| That's some domination shit. | ||
| You want to run things. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But also with power, I mean, that's part of what comes with it. | ||
| I mean, what's funny, too, is when that Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the IMF guy... | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| For people who don't know, explain the story. | ||
| Dominique Strauss-Kahn was the president of the IMF, and he's staying at the Sofitel Hotel in a $3,000-a-night suite. | ||
| He's also supposedly going to be the next possible, possible president of France, so he's being geared up for that. | ||
| And so the maid comes in to clean the place, and he shows up naked, and he basically chased her around and tried to rape her or something. | ||
| He fucked her mouth. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he, so he, whatever, he meant. | ||
| According to the story, who knows what really happened. | ||
| But the thing, it was funny, so he's a French dude, and then of course, you know, then he tried to leave the country. | ||
| I should say allegedly he fucked her mouth. | ||
| Allegedly he fucked her mouth. | ||
| I would say allegedly. | ||
| Yeah, that's what our sources have told us. | ||
| Yeah, the internet. | ||
| Yeah, the internet. | ||
| I didn't look into that at all. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But what's funny is I was reading that some of the French reaction, where they were saying, well, the French aren't that phased by the whole... | ||
| They expect their politician to be... | ||
| Oh, if your politician in France isn't banging somebody, then it's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, you know, there's a thing that we've talked about on this podcast before called toxoplasma. | ||
| And it's a cat parasite that infects human beings and changes their behavior. | ||
| And it makes men reckless. | ||
| Makes men very aggressive and reckless. | ||
| Makes them do crazy shit. | ||
| And there's a huge population of a high rate of infection, rather, in France. | ||
| In France, it's like 80%. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Like 80% of the people are infected by this toxoplasma, as much as 80% in some areas. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Which is insane. | ||
| And it's a parasite. | ||
| And it's just the men, but it's men and women? | ||
| It affects women, but the women, it's tougher to document how it affects women, because they think it makes them more submissive. | ||
| But with men, it makes them aggressive. | ||
| It makes them jerks. | ||
| It makes them really reckless. | ||
| That explains a lot. | ||
| You want to smoke some of it? | ||
| Smoke some cat shit, bro. | ||
| So that's why pregnant women aren't supposed to touch cat shit. | ||
| If they ever tell that to your wife when she was pregnant, don't touch any kitty litter. | ||
| Don't ever go near any cats. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's why, because of this toxoplasma. | ||
| But a huge percentage of people. | ||
| I mean, if this guy has toxo, if he's from France, I mean, he might make him loked out where he just whips his dick out on the maid. | ||
| That would be a great plea in court. | ||
| Be like, I have toxoplasma, you know? | ||
| Feel free to use it. | ||
| I'll be honored if you guys use that. | ||
| Maybe I possibly had some say in this. | ||
| The toxoplasma defense. | ||
| It's very possible. | ||
| I would like to see this guy tested. | ||
| I mean, if he really did do something fucking reckless and crazy. | ||
| But I think anybody who wants to be in a position of power like that, a lot of them have sexual things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, absolutely. | |
| Clinton and Kennedy. | ||
| Clinton would just whip his dick out on girls. | ||
| Crazy is that. | ||
| He was the president. | ||
| He would just whip his dick out on state troopers and fucking typists and secretaries. | ||
| You know what I was thinking? | ||
| I was thinking like all these guys, like when you get to that level of power, you should have like... | ||
| I was thinking you should have like... | ||
| A counselor that's walking around with you 24-7. | ||
| And you're like, hey, I think I'm about to whip out my dick. | ||
| And you're like, that's not a good idea. | ||
| But what's funny is I realized if it were a dude, the dude eventually would be like, yeah, whip out your dick. | ||
| He'd goad him on. | ||
| You should totally do that. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| Or you want to bang the maid? | ||
| You should totally bang the maid. | ||
| You're the president of IMF. Is it washed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about Arnold, man? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| How about that crazy asshole just fucking everyone who's in his house? | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| If you're in his house, he fucks you. | ||
| That's just the rule. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| He was fucking her for 10 years, man. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And she was not attracted at all. | ||
| No, it didn't matter. | ||
| I know what, do you have a hard-on and she's cleaning? | ||
| He's like, I must do it. | ||
| He's just bent over. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I jokingly said, maybe he's trying to save money on childcare. | ||
| Have a baby with a nanny. | ||
| You've got to take care of it. | ||
| It's free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Arnold is probably, when he started banging her, he was so big when he was bodybuilding and everything like that. | ||
| And there's only one way to do that. | ||
| You have to be on steroids. | ||
| You have to be on testosterone. | ||
| And Arnold was known, allegedly, for being a guy who would take just fucking massive quantities of everything. | ||
| That's why he was so huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You look at the photos of him back when he was Mr. Olympia, and holy fucking shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, the levels of testosterone that guy must have been taking were probably through the roof, so he probably just would fuck everything. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Neil, may I fuck you? | ||
| Just everything. | ||
| Doesn't that lower your sex drive, or supposedly, like, makes your penis small? | ||
| What happens with- It lowers your body's natural production of testosterone, because if you inject a bunch of testosterone in your body and you bring it over a certain baseline, When your body's like, what the fuck is all this test doing around here? | ||
| So your body says, we don't have to use the balls. | ||
| Shut the balls down. | ||
| So your body shuts the balls down because you're squirting into your body ten times the natural level of testosterone so you can get a 30-inch fucking arms. | ||
| When you see guys like that and you watch them pose, you ever see them pose? | ||
| They have the tiniest balls you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| I would be terrified if my balls were that small. | ||
| If you see those dudes in those little banana hammocks, their balls are non-existent. | ||
| It's like their balls wither away. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| I hate my balls. | ||
| I don't want anything. | ||
| Do you have extremely huge balls? | ||
| They're just fucking gross things that are hanging from my awesome dick. | ||
| I'd rather have two small little cute ball things attached to it than these big droopy old man throats. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they look like. | ||
| Old man throat balls? | ||
| I have pretty average sized balls. | ||
| I don't have big balls. | ||
| I just hate them. | ||
| Maybe you had elephant balls and you were like, I gotta get rid of these elephant balls. | ||
| I'm happy with my balls. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| Scratching your balls is the best feeling in the world, man. | ||
| I used to think my balls were big until I saw Ari's balls and Joey Diaz's balls. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, my balls are not that big. | ||
| Those balls are ridiculous. | ||
| Joey Diaz has huge balls, but Ari's has one that they're trying to escape his body balls. | ||
| They look like worms almost. | ||
| Well, they sag way lower than they're supposed to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Ari pulls his balls out, you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| You need to go to a doctor, dude! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to a doctor! | |
| One ball is old and sagging. | ||
| Joey's balls look like they belong on Joey. | ||
| Joey does. | ||
| Everything about him is a cartoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cuban egg roll. | |
| Yeah, so of course his balls look like softballs on an old lady's pantyhose. | ||
| That's what he looks like you would have. | ||
| His big giant ball. | ||
| One ball like a fucking speed bag. | ||
| This is... | ||
| Joey Diaz is a classic. | ||
| He's a human like no other. | ||
| There's very few Joey Diazes out there roaming the planet. | ||
| Every time I see him, I'm like, why isn't there just a show just following him around? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| The things he says. | ||
| Just this weekend I was with him, and we're in the van going from the hotel, two blocks, going from the hotel to the venue. | ||
| Some people cross on the street in front of him. | ||
| Everyone else kind of sit and Joey just, hurry up you cocksucker, I'm going to take my fucking cock! | ||
| He starts going and he riffs and the funniest formation of words come together. | ||
| And everyone's just cracking up. | ||
| I would like to see the things that we don't know about Joey. | ||
| There's points where he just sings really long opera songs. | ||
| He's got nine cats, man. | ||
| He's a 50-year-old man. | ||
| He probably has the most toxic plasma ever. | ||
| Oh, ever. | ||
| He's got all four. | ||
| There's like three forms of toxic plasma. | ||
| He's got all three forms. | ||
| He's got it all. | ||
| He's got fucking eight cats, nine cats in his house. | ||
| Didn't he just get a new one? | ||
| He got a new cat recently. | ||
| I think he's got 11 now. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's 11 now. | ||
| In like a two-bedroom apartment. | ||
| Eleven cats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dude, I got a big house and I have two cats and they drive me nuts, these little motherfuckers. | ||
| Shitting all over the place. | ||
| It's annoying, man. | ||
| My office smells like cat shit all the time. | ||
| I always gotta clean that. | ||
| It smells like cat shit because they just take stinky dumps in there. | ||
| And it's gross. | ||
| I gotta clean it out and fucking... | ||
| And then they take a shit an hour later. | ||
| Like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I hate it so much. | ||
| Stinking up my fucking house gets gross, right? | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| My place is so small, and so I have to have it in the kitchen, so I'm like cooking last night, and I just... | ||
| My cat takes a shit, and then it's like, you know, fucking food mixed with shit, and they just spray it, and then now it smells like a lemon forest full of shit. | ||
| And they don't have, like, because we don't... | ||
| I don't have... | ||
| I'm allergic to cats, so we don't have... | ||
| But we have a neighborhood cat, and they always go in our backyard... | ||
| And piss. | ||
| And they shit. | ||
| No, they shit. | ||
| And I never knew... | ||
| I never had cats, so I thought cat shit was like little, like, bunny shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like serious shit. | ||
| I'm constantly like, what dog was here? | ||
| And my cat has this thing where they pee on certain sides of the litter box. | ||
| My cat pees right in front of the opening, so it has to put its butt right out the door of the litter box. | ||
| And he had shit the other day and just sprayed my wall with shit. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They're such dirty little animals. | ||
| And you know, when you let them out in the wild, that's when you've got to be worried about toxoplasma. | ||
| That's when they catch it. | ||
| They catch it from rats. | ||
| Out in the wild. | ||
| So, you know, it'll become dangerous. | ||
| It can fuck with you. | ||
| And it's very dangerous for little children. | ||
| Very dangerous for babies and shit like that. | ||
| Their immune system's not ready for it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Creepy fucking cats. | ||
| Creepy cats. | ||
| And dogs aren't even better, man. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| My dog lately's been digging up shit and then hiding bones in there and putting it like just cartoon style, like digging holes. | ||
| And it got in a fight with like a possum the other day or something like that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And I don't know what it had. | ||
| It looked like maybe a baby of some kind all chewed up and brought it into the house and just left it right on these pee pads that we had. | ||
| So it's like a baby possum? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| Your dog is so tiny. | ||
| If your dog killed something, it's got to be little as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does your dog weigh? | ||
| Like five pounds or something? | ||
| Eight pounds. | ||
| Yeah, she's so small. | ||
| How could she kill anything? | ||
| What can she kill? | ||
| I think it was probably dead already, but she decided to eat it. | ||
| It was nasty. | ||
| But she brought it in and laid it on the pee pad like she thought it was poop, so that's kind of cool. | ||
| But still, it's like I don't want dead corpses and fucking shit on my walls while I'm cooking. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| Yeah, but you can keep the dog outside. | ||
| Well, not that dog. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| A hawk will come and swap that sucker up. | ||
| Yeah, what if I were to buy a huge dog house or make a dog house that was big enough, you know, to, like, let the dog stay in there forever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| Listen, man, that dog needs people. | ||
| You've got a dog that needs a lot of human attention. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't leave her outside. | ||
| She'll go crazy. | ||
| We've never been dog people or animals. | ||
| I never had animals. | ||
| My kid loves dogs, and we thought about for a minute getting one, but then I realized I'd have to take care of the dog because my kid's three years old. | ||
| He's not going to do it. | ||
| Yeah, kids will tell you, oh, I love dogs. | ||
| I'm definitely going to take care of it, Dad. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're walking that fucking thing every day. | ||
| My boy has like, he is just fearless. | ||
| He'll go up to any dog. | ||
| Like when he was like one and a half, we went to some family friends. | ||
| They had like a Rottweiler, big, scary looking. | ||
| And he was up there trying to kiss him. | ||
| We're like, no, no, no. | ||
| But he goes for it. | ||
| I don't trust dogs with babies because they get confused and they think babies are dogs. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| They don't associate that with being a person. | ||
| So they'll check a baby just to let a baby know. | ||
| Check a baby like they would check a dog. | ||
| Don't fuck in my territory. | ||
| I've seen dogs do that before. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Have you ever eaten at that place Toast on 3rd over there? | ||
| Near West Hollywood? | ||
| Good place, good food. | ||
| We were going with a friend of mine to go sit down one time. | ||
| We're about to sit and there's this girl, a 5-year-old girl. | ||
| Cute little blonde girl, 5-year-old girl. | ||
| She's got like a little bloody nose going and I was like, oh poor girl fell or something. | ||
| And then as we're sitting, we sit next to this dog and the story comes out that she was up there playing and the dog bit at her nose and cut her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And we're like, okay, we don't want to sit next to this dog. | ||
| What kind of dog was it? | ||
| It looked like a regular, it wasn't any kind of like, it wasn't Golden Retriever, but it was like a regular look. | ||
| Like a mutt. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't anything. | ||
| And it bit the fucking girl in the face. | ||
| It's a girl. | ||
| I don't know what she did or what happened. | ||
| And the dog was still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody had beaten it to death? | ||
| Yeah, you would think, right? | ||
| Yeah, you'd bite a five-year-old baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking cunt dog. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'll kick you to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| So I'm always worried with my son, man. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be real careful. | ||
| He goes right up. | ||
| You gotta always think that a dog will consider your baby to be an animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't consider it to be a person, because it's not talking really, and they're real little, and they're high-pitched voice. | ||
| It's like, this is not the same thing. | ||
| I see Miles Jobrani, he can tell me what to do, but this is a little motherfucker trying to tell me what to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch! | |
| Fuck him up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to take my food? | ||
| Trying to take my dog food, bitch? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've had the worst week. | ||
| There's this bird that's outside in my tree. | ||
| It's like the animal kingdom. | ||
| You had a cat, a dog, now the bird. | ||
| There's this bird that, like, I don't know what it is, but every time it gets dark, it goes through, like, 12 different chirp things. | ||
| Like, it sounds like somebody's breaking into a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hilarious. | |
| You know, it's just like... | ||
| And it keeps on doing it the whole entire night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The bird call. | |
| So I'm thinking about, like, poisoning or slingshotting or shooting this bird. | ||
| I don't know what to do because it's been all night, every day this week. | ||
| You know how long you'd be out there trying to slingshot this bird? | ||
| Yeah, you break every window in your neighborhood. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Fuck! | ||
| And I bet you got some people who listen to the podcast, too. | ||
| You're like, I know where that motherfucker lives. | ||
| It was him with that slingshot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's horrible, though. | ||
| You need a BB gun. | ||
| BB guns are pretty accurate. | ||
| Yeah, I was thinking about it, but I can't even see it. | ||
| It's just this big tree. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's one of those ideas you get in your head. | ||
| You're like, I'm going to put an end to this. | ||
| And then you end up being like Wile E. Coyote or like Elmer Fudd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's how people, like, fall from trees and break their neck and die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Because you're trying to kill some bird that tweets outside your window. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I've had times when, like, I don't know if you guys had, like, the mosquito. | ||
| The mosquito's the worst thing. | ||
| You're sleeping, and then you, like, ignore it, ignore it. | ||
| He keeps coming back. | ||
| You're like, fuck it, it's on. | ||
| Lights go on. | ||
| Now you've got to go around looking for the mosquito against your white wall. | ||
| Like, he disappears. | ||
| He reappears. | ||
| You're swinging shit. | ||
| Yeah, your eyes are trying to focus. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Because you've got, like, fucking tears in him from sleeping. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, a half hour later, like, fuck it, man. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| We don't realize how few bugs we have in California until you go on the East Coast in the summertime and you realize, like, go near a lake. | ||
| Go on the East Coast near a lake in the summertime. | ||
| You're like, motherfucker, this is ridiculous. | ||
| But you know how cool lightning bugs was? | ||
| I do miss lightning bugs. | ||
| When you're just going out in your backyard and it's just like this glowing paradise. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But those are cool. | ||
| They don't bother you. | ||
| They just smell gross. | ||
| But I would say with mosquitoes, they never have... | ||
| Mosquitoes know how to fuck up paradise. | ||
| Whenever you book a trip, you go down to Mexico, and you're like, oh, babe, this is great. | ||
| Here's the beer, here's the tequila, whatever. | ||
| And like half an hour later, you start getting bit. | ||
| You're like, motherfucker! | ||
| And every time they show those stupid Corona commercials where the guy throws his cell phone into the water, I'm like, show the fucking mosquitoes, man. | ||
| It's never that comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the good things about Hawaii, too. | ||
| Not too many bugs in Hawaii. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| They really make that trip out to that volcano in the middle of the ocean. | ||
| Yeah, that's not a bad thing. | ||
| Not that many bugs, man. | ||
| But California, as far as no bugs, this is probably as good as it gets anywhere in the country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go to Florida, Florida's ridiculous. | ||
| You might as well be living in the jungle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just because there's an apartment building doesn't mean it's not the jungle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got a little pond next door with a fucking alligator in it. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You could be living in Gainesville. | ||
| You could be living in a nice part of town and take a couple blocks, go for a walk. | ||
| Oh, what's this? | ||
| A dinosaur. | ||
| It's a fucking dinosaur. | ||
| A poodle-eating dinosaur. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wandering through the streets. | ||
| Camino dragon shows up. | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking monsters. | ||
| And alligators are not that aggressive. | ||
| They're not nearly as aggressive as crocodiles. | ||
| Crocodiles are really dangerous. | ||
| What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? | ||
| The looks are different. | ||
| A crocodile, their teeth like stick out of their mouth a little bit and they have a longer snout. | ||
| Alligators have like a shorter, stubbier, wider snout. | ||
| But alligators in general are bigger than crocodiles, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Crocodiles, they can get bigger. | ||
| I think maybe American alligators might be bigger than American crocodiles. | ||
| But the biggest crocodiles are the biggest of that species, that form. | ||
| They're so similar, though. | ||
| I mean, shit, if you didn't know and you saw an alligator and a crocodile, you would say that's the same thing. | ||
| It's like a Mexican and a Guatemalan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Yeah, they don't look much different, man. | ||
| But apparently they're way more aggressive. | ||
| Crocodiles are much, much more aggressive. | ||
| I watched some documentary on alligators and crocodiles, and they have this... | ||
| Place in, I believe it was in Florida, where they were raising them, and they had all these crocodiles, these alligators, and one crocodile. | ||
| And the crocodile would run over the top of the alligator's head when they would feed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| He would be like, bitch, just stepping over them to get to the food. | ||
| Just super, way more aggressive than the alligators. | ||
| But in general, you're right. | ||
| I don't know how people, I mean, once in a while we got mountain lions and stuff. | ||
| But generally speaking, how much would that suck if you're just hanging out in a crocodile or an alligator shows up in your backyard? | ||
| Now what do you do? | ||
| Well, there was a funny story in Miami about a guy who was running from the law, and in a high-speed chase, ditches his car, wipes his car out, jumps into a fucking river, and wherever he was, or jumped into a lake, the moment he jumped in, he got killed by an alligator. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He just landed right next to an alligator, and the alligator jacked him right in front of the cops. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking movie, man. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| It's a fucking movie. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| The guy jumps out of the car, dives into the water, and right away, boom, gets killed. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Those cops are good, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got alligators working with them. | ||
| That's like, I was actually... | ||
| I read when I... I mentioned the... | ||
| Is it Kimono? | ||
| Kimono Dragon, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some guy I read in the paper, this guy was on a boat or something, or he was surfing, or something happened. | ||
| I think he was on a boat, and it went shipwrecked. | ||
| So this poor guy swims to the first... | ||
| I was like, this poor guy. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| It's like a video game. | ||
| You survived the thing and now you show up and you're like, oh great. | ||
| Now if I kill him, what's next? | ||
| Did he live? | ||
| I think he lived. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| There was a guy who was dating Sharon Stone, Sharon Stone's boyfriend. | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| He was some newspaper guy or something like that. | ||
| Apparently he was in a whole room full of Komodo dragons at a zoo. | ||
| And he had white socks on. | ||
| And the Komodo dragon mistook his white foot for a rabbit. | ||
| So it just snapped down on his foot. | ||
| The guy's fucking screaming. | ||
| And the poison they have in their saliva. | ||
| They have botulism and all sorts of horrible bacteria in their saliva. | ||
| And you get deathly ill from those bites. | ||
| You have to go on some radical antibiotics immediately. | ||
| Or you're going to die. | ||
| Because that's how it kills things. | ||
| The kimono dragons bite things and then just follow them. | ||
| Just infect them with their saliva. | ||
| There's a video of one that kills a water buffalo. | ||
| And it bites this water buffalo. | ||
| Just jacks it in the leg. | ||
| And the water buffalo runs away. | ||
| And then it slowly follows it for a day while it poisons itself. | ||
| It slowly gets poisoned from that bite. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| That is ruthless. | ||
| Did Sharon Stone's guy die, or he lived? | ||
| No, he lived, because they were right there. | ||
| They got the thing off of him. | ||
| They got it off his foot. | ||
| But, you know, he almost lost his foot. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| That stuff is... | ||
| They're so dangerous. | ||
| They're fucking... | ||
| They played by a whole different set of rules, son. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is 65 million years ago, these motherfuckers were roaming around. | ||
| He's called Son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And animals in general. | ||
| I was thinking about that lady at SeaWorld that got the whale that just took her. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, you can't talk your way out of it. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| And the really terrifying thing about the killer whale thing is that we know that they're smart. | ||
| We know that they're intelligent. | ||
| They're not as smart as us, but they're pretty goddamn close. | ||
| They can't change their environment like us, and we show there's no evidence of them being able to create things and build items like we can. | ||
| But we know they have dialects. | ||
| We know that they're super intelligent as far as their language, and it varies. | ||
| From sector to sector. | ||
| And we also know that they're incredibly attached to their family. | ||
| And they have this really broad language that we don't even totally understand. | ||
| So we know that they're these super intense, intelligent animals. | ||
| And we still lock them up in swimming pools. | ||
| We just go, fuck you. | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you saying? | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| If that thing was saying, please, I want to be with my mother. | ||
| Please let me go. | ||
| You know, if it could actually talk and tell you what they really feel, they would be screaming in agony every night. | ||
| They stuff them into these little tiny tanks. | ||
| It's like a refugee camp or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They make them perform, and one of the ways they make them perform is stuffing them into these little tanks at night to punish them. | ||
| Yeah, and then now they learn to jump so you can edit and people will clap for you. | ||
| You don't even want people to clap for you. | ||
| That's crazy shit. | ||
| This whale had killed at least two people, too. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he's killed at least two. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He doesn't want to deal with their bullshit, man. | ||
| And, you know, he's right. | ||
| I see his point. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| If aliens came and they were smarter than us and they just couldn't understand us and we're talking to them, we're like, please, we'll get our shit together. | ||
| We'll stop polluting the ocean. | ||
| Please, don't fucking eat us. | ||
| And then they just started eating people. | ||
| They're like, I don't understand you, bitch. | ||
| So I'm just going to throw you in the zoo, the people zoo. | ||
| This guy's like the revolutionary of Wales. | ||
| He's like the Che Guevara of Wales. | ||
| He's busting out. | ||
| He is. | ||
| He is. | ||
| I mean, look, I'm on team people 100%, but we should totally rethink SeaWorld. | ||
| We should totally rethink anything where super intelligent animals like that are entrapped. | ||
| You feed them fish. | ||
| They're depressed. | ||
| They have to be. | ||
| There's no way you could be a happy fucking imprisoned dolphin. | ||
| I mean, it's pretty entertaining for your kids. | ||
| But beyond that, I took my kid to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay. | ||
| Two and a half of it, he would see the shark, he was just like, shark, shark! | ||
| He would take my head, I was holding him, he'd take my head and just twist it to wherever the shark was. | ||
| I was like, they should hire him out at the front and be like, you want a tour from this guy? | ||
| And he just takes your head, shark, shark! | ||
| He should be in a commercial. | ||
| Oh yeah, that would be a great commercial, right? | ||
| That would be a great commercial. | ||
| That's different though, that's fish. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Fish can go fuck themselves. | ||
| They're stupid. | ||
| They don't even take care of their young. | ||
| They just jerk off on eggs and then the eggs become babies. | ||
| I don't care about fish. | ||
| But dolphins, I know that they can think. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Can you watch The Cove? | ||
| Did you see The Cove? | ||
| No, I didn't see The Cove. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| You see the slaughter of Japanese, the Japanese slaughter of those dolphins. | ||
| It's so hard to watch, man, because you know they're smart. | ||
| Dolphins are smart as fuck. | ||
| They're like little weird intelligent aliens, almost like little water elves. | ||
| Like they're playful little water elves. | ||
| They're super smart, man. | ||
| And they seem benign. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I'm sure they have both sides, but they seem very benign. | ||
| They'll rape you. | ||
| They'll rape you, but you know. | ||
| They'll throw a rape in on your ass. | ||
| I'll try it out once. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| How do you come back and report? | ||
| Did you see the video online of a woman getting humped on a dock by a dolphin? | ||
| Is that legit? | ||
| Is it a guy? | ||
| It's a gay dolphin. | ||
| Gay rapist dolphin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I think eventually we're going to have to come to the conclusion that zoos are really cruel and inhumane punishment. | ||
| And those are animal prisons. | ||
| Oh, you've been to the L.A. Zoo, man? | ||
| Yeah, I've been to the L.A. Zoo. | ||
| It's just miserable. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's the worst zoo. | ||
| Half of it's not even open, so you're just walking by like old ghost parts. | ||
| Eddie Bravo fucked up and went to the zoo on mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| What an awful. | ||
| He said it was so sad. | ||
| He said it was like the saddest day ever. | ||
| He said all you could do, you feel all the negative, sad energy from these poor animals and people staring at them. | ||
| And their animals are usually, I mean, they seem like every little display you went to, like the animal was just looking for shade. | ||
| He didn't want to entertain you. | ||
| He was just in the corner somewhere looking for shade. | ||
| And then they had an elephant thing, and it was in the back. | ||
| We didn't make it. | ||
| The guy was like, it's a long, long walk. | ||
| It's so poorly thought out, too, because, look, human beings have a bunch of systems that are put in place to ensure that we breed, to ensure that we succeed in life, to ensure that we... | ||
| You know, accomplish things. | ||
| There's all these things that are set up in order for us to live, you know, the human way. | ||
| Well, for animals, there's all these instincts set up in their minds, too. | ||
| One of the big ones is to kill things. | ||
| To kill things to survive. | ||
| You know, they get that charge that, I mean, that's what is fun for them. | ||
| That is what is the joy of life. | ||
| I mean, it seems cruel and fucked up, but the joy of life for a lion is to take out a gazelle. | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| That's what it's there for. | ||
| So if you're going to have real animals and you're going to have them in these locked down environments and pretend that it's good for them and pretend that it's a good environment, you've got to let them kill things, man. | ||
| Let them kill things in there. | ||
| It's like I went to Kenya once and they have the animal preserve. | ||
| So you just go in and it's almost like you're going into their turf now to check it out. | ||
| So they're not caged. | ||
| But it was actually really interesting. | ||
| So you go somewhere, and there they are, just doing their natural thing. | ||
| It was a lot more natural, it seemed. | ||
| The one thing was we were driving back, and we saw Rhino. | ||
| And we were in this little... | ||
| They give us this minivan. | ||
| Not a minivan. | ||
| It was this little van, and we had this driver, this Kenyan driver. | ||
| And he wasn't at all like... | ||
| He wasn't armed. | ||
| He didn't seem like he was there to protect us. | ||
| Remember the gods must be crazy? | ||
| Remember the skinny? | ||
| It seemed like that's the guy that was driving us. | ||
| There was no defense mechanism. | ||
| So this guy stops, and there's eight or nine of us, all Westerners, and this rhino is eating. | ||
| And we're like, look, Rhino, Rhino! | ||
| And he looks up, and he gives us this look of death. | ||
| It's almost like you just interrupted Suge Knight in the middle of some business meeting. | ||
| And we all freaked out. | ||
| It was an intimidating look. | ||
| We're like, go, go, go! | ||
| And the guy's like, like Fred Flintstone-y, get the car going. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And our friends were telling us what these guys do. | ||
| I guess they're colorblind, the rhinos, and they just see something. | ||
| And if it's disturbing them, they just run. | ||
| He would have rammed us, and they'll tip you over. | ||
| And now it's, you know, however it plays out, it plays out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| You all get stomped to death. | ||
| Yeah, some shit. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| Dude, rhinos and hippos are two of my number one fears as far as animals go. | ||
| I say hungry hippos. | ||
| Hungry, hungry hippos. | ||
| Hungry, hungry hippos. | ||
| Hippos, I think, are responsible for more human deaths than any other animal in Africa other than ants. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I believe ants are responsible for more human death than any animal in Africa. | ||
| How do ants kill people? | ||
| Oh, shit, dude. | ||
| In Africa, they got real problems with giant swarms of poisonous ants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Yeah, army ants and all these different... | ||
| There's so many really vicious ants, especially like in the Amazon. | ||
| There's a thing called... | ||
| The bullet ants. | ||
| And they actually use them for coming of age ceremonies where they make these young men stick their hand in these gloves that are filled with these bullet ants. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And these bullet ants, it's unbearable pain for like 24 hours for each bite. | ||
| Like unbearable. | ||
| Like getting your hands slammed in a car door all day long. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, like insane pain. | ||
| And that's like the coming of age thing is that if a man can get through this, he can truly be a man. | ||
| You should get that on Fear Factor. | ||
| But in Africa, Brian Callan actually was working. | ||
| When he first got out of college, he wanted to work with insects. | ||
| And he wanted to study them overseas. | ||
| And one of the things that scared him off is because he went, I think, to Bornea. | ||
| He went to some crazy fucking jungle. | ||
| And they had to put turpentine. | ||
| They all slept on platforms. | ||
| And they had to put turpentine all over the legs of the platform. | ||
| And they have to be elevated above the floor of the jungle. | ||
| Because if you leave them on the floor of the jungle and the ants come up, once one ant bites you and sends a signal, there will be millions of ants on you, poisonous ants on you, and you won't be able to stop it. | ||
| There's nothing you can do. | ||
| They will eat you alive. | ||
| Not even from shushing? | ||
| They take out elephants. | ||
| They climb up elephants' legs and they climb in their ears and start eating them alive. | ||
| Dude, the more I hear... | ||
| When I hear things like this, the more I realize I just want to go to Four Seasons hotels around the world and just be like... | ||
| Have the waffles and the breakfast buffet. | ||
| It's all good, man. | ||
| I know some people are like, adventures. | ||
| We're going to go into the jungle. | ||
| I'm like, you go camping, bro. | ||
| I'll be at the Four Seasons. | ||
| Brian said that they poured turpentine all over the legs of this platform that they're sleeping on. | ||
| They have the hut, and the hut is above the platform. | ||
| And he said, in the night, you can hear them marching. | ||
| He said, there's so many ants and they're so terrifying that you can hear them marching. | ||
| You hear them... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is creepy. | |
| You hear millions and millions of ants just waiting to stumble on something. | ||
| And whatever they stumble on, whether it's... | ||
| They'll climb up a tree and find some young birds that are stuck in the nest and swarm millions of them. | ||
| So there's a lot of jungles. | ||
| The birds will try to put their nests on the highest possible branch. | ||
| And a lot of it is to avoid ants. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| Hands are motherfuckers. | ||
| It's funny because when you travel, you realize what you were saying. | ||
| It's like the amount of stuff that's going... | ||
| The difficulty to live in some other places. | ||
| When I went to Kenya, we went for a wedding. | ||
| Just to go to Kenya, you got to get like... | ||
| Shots for dengue fever, yellow fever, jungle fever, all kinds of fever. | ||
| Malaria? | ||
| Yeah, malaria. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| I was like, I don't know about this. | ||
| I have yellow fever. | ||
| You're going to the motherland, baby. | ||
| You're going to the motherland if we get some jungle fever. | ||
| That is the motherland, too. | ||
| That's where it all began. | ||
| That's where human beings were hatched. | ||
| You know, that's pretty crazy that it's still so fucking wild. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| When you look at Africa, the continent, like, you ever watch those documentaries on Africa and compare it to any other continent in the world, you're like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| You got wildebeest and lions and saltwater crocodiles and fucking great white sharks off the coast of South Africa. | ||
| And ants that'll eat you. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| No continent is crazier than Africa. | ||
| I guess Australia is probably a close... | ||
| And don't even get started on the flies. | ||
| You know how annoying that would be in your eyes, just sitting on your face all the time? | ||
| Oh, there's so many flies in Africa. | ||
| Yeah, whenever you see those poor starving kids, it's one of the saddest things about those videos. | ||
| Their eyes are covered with flies and shit. | ||
| What a fucking crazy place on earth. | ||
| I'm obsessed with the Congo, man. | ||
| I've got a bunch of documentaries on the Congo. | ||
| One of the best ones is from the BBC. | ||
| But one of the most fascinating things about the Congo is there's so many areas of it that people barely get to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's like this. | ||
| It's unbelievable how fucking dense it is. | ||
| And they, in one point in time, Europeans tried to settle it. | ||
| They tried to like build these giant mansions and shit. | ||
| And some of them are still there like in frame, but they just got swallowed up by the jungle. | ||
| But what's crazy is you've got nature, and then you've got rebels fighting each other. | ||
| So you might survive the ants, but you're going to be taken down by the whatever, the Congonese rebel, whoever, you know? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of problems because they're fighting over resources. | ||
| There's a lot of minerals in the Congo. | ||
| There's a lot of minerals they use to make cell phones and shit like that, and a lot of that is where they harvested out of Congo. | ||
| Have you ever performed in South Africa? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| You haven't, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They do festivals. | ||
| I want to go one more time. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| It's supposed to be pretty cool. | ||
| I'm sure it is, man. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm tired of traveling, man. | ||
| I enjoy going to the UK like once a year, but even that is like enough. | ||
| I go to Australia once a year, enough. | ||
| No, I hear you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| It's too much. | ||
| I'm sick of the traveling. | ||
| I mean, I'd be curious this year, but it's funny because people ask. | ||
| The fun part of stand-up is actually being on stage and doing a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'd rather just drive up the block to Sunset. | ||
| Go to Brea, yeah. | ||
| Just go and just do it there, then get on a friggin' play. | ||
| Well, we're in a great spot, too, because we can work so many places around here. | ||
| You can go to Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. | ||
| You can go to the Ice House. | ||
| You can go to San Diego. | ||
| You can go to Irvine. | ||
| You can go to Bray. | ||
| You can go to Ontario. | ||
| You can do all the improvs. | ||
| And you rotate all these clubs, and after a while, you just start back up on the first one again. | ||
| It's like 15, 20 weeks later. | ||
| You're just doing these same clubs over and over again. | ||
| I won't even perform inside of a South African club. | ||
| You just claim you can't... | ||
| I can't help you? | ||
| South Africa is... | ||
| I'm sure it's a great place. | ||
| I like D-Antward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got good music, but I don't want to go there. | ||
| I like District 9, too. | ||
| I was thinking of going... | ||
| There was an offer to go this summer, and I was thinking... | ||
| I always say, because I got two young kids now and my wife, so I was like, well, maybe I'll just take everybody with me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, well, maybe take the nanny, too. | ||
| To Africa, dude. | ||
| Dude, I started doing the math. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to be losing a lot of money. | ||
| Screw it. | ||
| We're going to stay here. | ||
| Bring Chevy Chase. | ||
| You must have a big international following now. | ||
| Because you... | ||
| You've really become, like, as far as, like, would you call it the Persian community or the Iranian community? | ||
| Yeah, it's a little bit, you know, the Persian community is, like, my first probably, it's funny, like, Tripoli one time, Sam Tripoli was like, he's like, you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis. | ||
| That sounds like a Tripoli line. | ||
| Right, so, you know, that's, like, my, like, you got the Persian Middle Easterners, then you got, like, Arabs, you know, and then after that, like, then, like, you've got, like, NPR types that are into, like, world... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| NPR types. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I'm telling you, man. | ||
| We love the fact that you're different. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's actually pretty funny, though. | ||
| It's actually good to do stand-up in front of people that know the difference between Iran and Iraq. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| As opposed to doing it in front of someone who's like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's all the same shit. | ||
| It's all the same shit. | ||
| Just blow it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it has become a thing. | ||
| What happened was in 07, when we were still doing the Acts of Evil, me, Ahmed, and Aaron, we went out to... | ||
| And this is a tour that you guys were on. | ||
| The Acts of Evil Comedy. | ||
| The Acts of Evil Comedy Tour. | ||
| It actually originally started with Mitzi Shore, who put us together and called it the Arabian Nights. | ||
| Ah, that's right. | ||
| This was in 2000. She put it as the Arabian Nights. | ||
| And Iranians aren't Arabs, so we'd do shows and inevitably Iranians would come up afterwards and be like, it was a good show, but we're not Arabs. | ||
| And I was like, I know. | ||
| And Iranians are very sensitive about that. | ||
| I actually read a National Geographic article. | ||
| This journalist went into Iran and said, I was interviewing people. | ||
| And he goes, I asked people, what do you want the world to know about you? | ||
| He said, the first thing they would always say is, we're not Arabs. | ||
| The second thing, we're not terrorists. | ||
| So I was like, it's better to be a terrorist than an Arab in their mind. | ||
| You know, that's kind of... | ||
| In America, we know so little about Iran other than the Iran hostage crisis and that you guys are trying to get nuclear power and blow shit up. | ||
| Yeah, so you know all the negative shit. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| And then we know about this most recent almost takeover of the government. | ||
| Yeah, the Green Movement. | ||
| Because what happened was in 2009, there was elections and there was obviously voter fraud. | ||
| So then there was protests in the streets. | ||
| Actually, that was the first time where I had Americans coming up to me going like, Wow, there's so many beautiful women. | ||
| Because the protesters, there was a lot of women in them. | ||
| And there was dudes in jeans. | ||
| So people would come up and go like, aren't they supposed to be wearing burqas and turbans? | ||
| I'm like, no, man. | ||
| Tehran is an international city, man. | ||
| Yeah, Iran is much more sophisticated and much more ahead than we've been led on. | ||
| We've lumped them in with Pakistan and Afghanistan. | ||
| Afghanistan, I think, is probably the one that's the least developed. | ||
| But even those countries, they have a lot of Western influences. | ||
| Especially with technology and stuff now, there's a lot of people that are advanced in these countries. | ||
| Especially if you're going to a major city... | ||
| You're going to see hustle and bustle. | ||
| You're going to see some dude driving a Mercedes-Benz as a multi-millionaire. | ||
| And then you're going to see some dude pushing a cart who's making five bucks a year or something. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So this exists. | ||
| But I think a lot of people's image of the Middle East is just dudes in turbans and women in burqas. | ||
| And it's like, first of all, the burqa is pretty exclusive to Afghanistan where they would wear the full thing, the blue thing under the Taliban where they had to cover themselves and they could just barely see out of that little mesh. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I would love my girlfriend to wear that shit. | ||
| It could be kind of sexy. | ||
| That's the weakest pimp move of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| Cover everything. | ||
| Even your nose. | ||
| I'll let her cut the tits out or something. | ||
| Just have your eyes and tits. | ||
| That would be fine. | ||
| Just the eyes with stars over the nipples. | ||
| Market that online. | ||
| See if people would buy it. | ||
| I think you found your niche. | ||
| Your niche. | ||
| Berka sex clothes. | ||
| There was a woman at the mall in Texas. | ||
| I was in Texas recently. | ||
| And there was a woman at the mall that was in full gear. | ||
| All you could see was her eyes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| She's really going, you know, she's going fucking biblical. | ||
| That's making a fucking statement in Texas. | ||
| I think that's hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, actually, we did a show in Saudi Arabia with Ahmed. | ||
| And, you know, after the show, a lot of people that come to our shows are either, they've either traveled in the West or they're Western educated or they're expats. | ||
| So after the show, we're taking pictures and all these people coming up. | ||
| And this one girl came up in one of those. | ||
| She was fully covered except for the eyes. | ||
| And she took a picture with us. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| No one's going to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can be anybody! | |
| It has that superhero vibe, though. | ||
| You don't know who this person is. | ||
| You don't know if they're going to take off their burger. | ||
| And the most beautiful woman in the world. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| She's subservient to you, right? | ||
| You and only you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She washes your feet before she blows you. | |
| It's funny because you've got the burqa, which is Afghanistan, and then you've got the veil kind of thing with the eyes covered, which is like Saudi Arabia do that a lot. | ||
| Then in Iran, you get some that are religious that will cover their hair and everything, but you see the full face. | ||
| Then you've got Dubai. | ||
| You've got these girls. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| They wear the thing. | ||
| But it's all... | ||
| They're blinged out. | ||
| You'll see designer shoes. | ||
| Even the thing that covers them, they put little diamond studs on them and stuff. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's the weirdest thing. | ||
| It's hot. | ||
| Dude, it's actually... | ||
| They're pretty cute. | ||
| They'll take... | ||
| And then there's become this thing there now where the women... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| They want the hair to seem like it's puffier. | ||
| So they'll take a can-like thing like this and they'll roll their hair up in it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a bump. | ||
| And then they put it there. | ||
| So it looks very like... | ||
| Star Wars-y, you know? | ||
| Like a princess in Star Wars. | ||
| They might as well be Star Wars-y with those crazy robes. | ||
| I mean, that's some Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It is some Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. | ||
| Actually, you know what the Obi-Wan Kenobi? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I was in... | ||
| I went to Morocco just to travel, not to do shows. | ||
| This was years ago. | ||
| I went to Morocco and we went to Fez, which is the coolest place. | ||
| The Fez cap comes from that. | ||
| You know the Fez cap, like that with the little thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Anyway, and they told us, I went there with now my wife, who was then my girlfriend, and she was studying in the south of Spain, so we took a boat over, and we had no preparation. | ||
| You should research before you go. | ||
| So we're on our way, on the boat, we're reading this little guidebook, and it goes, whatever you do, don't accept a guide, because in Fez, they're going to try and come up to you and want to be your guide, and talk to the hotel to get you a guide. | ||
| We didn't have a hotel. | ||
| We didn't know where we were going to stay. | ||
| And my girlfriend at the time kept saying, she said, my wife, she's like, we need to go to the old city. | ||
| That's supposed to be really nice, the old city. | ||
| Now, I don't speak Arabic. | ||
| I speak Farsi. | ||
| So I had no idea how you say old city in Arabic. | ||
| But the Moroccans, they speak French. | ||
| I've taken three years of French. | ||
| So the whole time in the train, I'm like, how do you say old city in French? | ||
| I'm like, is it la cita, you know, vecchio? | ||
| You know, I was like, that's not it. | ||
| So I finally asked some dude. | ||
| He's like, oh, l'ancienne ville. | ||
| It means the ancient city, l'ancienne ville. | ||
| So our plan was just land in Fez, find a cab, and say, take us to L'Ancienville. | ||
| So we get in the cab, and the cab driver's like, where in L'Ancienville? | ||
| I'm like, just L'Ancienville! | ||
| He's like, at a hotel? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| I was like, just go to some hotels. | ||
| So the dude takes us. | ||
| We go into the ancient city, and then right when we get there, some guy flags him down. | ||
| The dude walks over to the passenger side and leans his head in and says something in Arabic to the driver. | ||
| And then he leans to us. | ||
| He goes, hello, I will show you. | ||
| You look for a hotel. | ||
| He sounded like Borat. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| You look for a hotel. | ||
| And we're like, no, we're okay. | ||
| He's like, no, I will show. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| And he got into the car. | ||
| I'm like, shit, we're getting kidnapped. | ||
| And he takes us to some, like, they have these, like, old homes that are turned into hotels. | ||
| It was really nice. | ||
| But nobody was staying there. | ||
| So he takes us there. | ||
| Anyway, so he becomes our guide. | ||
| Unintentionally, he's now our guide. | ||
| This is what you were told to avoid. | ||
| To avoid. | ||
| I'm telling my wife, I'm like, shit, now we got a guide. | ||
| How do we tell him no? | ||
| He's like, don't worry. | ||
| I show you around. | ||
| If you like, then maybe you can give something. | ||
| He didn't even bring up the money thing. | ||
| He's like, let me take it here. | ||
| Then he said, let me take it here. | ||
| I would have kicked that motherfucker right out of that guy. | ||
| It's one of these situations where you're like, okay, this guy's a local. | ||
| You feel intimidated because they know each other somehow. | ||
| You're kind of like, let's go along, but just be ready to run at any minute. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| He's like, let me take you for dinner. | ||
| We go to this restaurant. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| There was balloons and banners. | ||
| All this shit was up, but we were the only two eating at the restaurant. | ||
| The waiter was so excited to see us. | ||
| He's like, hello, hello. | ||
| And it's like the waiter was the waiter slash the cook slash the owner. | ||
| Like he would like go cook in the back and then come sit and watch us eat. | ||
| It was the craziest shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But the Obi-Wan Kenobi shit that was crazy is these guides, they actually wear the Obi-Wan Kenobi suit. | ||
| The gown with the hat. | ||
| During the day, they wear it. | ||
| And that's the official Fez guide outfit. | ||
| That's an official guide. | ||
| The government, I think, recognizes them as guides. | ||
| And the weird one, when I realized it was Obi-Wan Kenobi, I was like, George Lucas must have come to Fez and come up with this. | ||
| Because my wife and I, the next day, the guy goes, I'm going to show you the castle today. | ||
| And we're like, alright. | ||
| So he takes us to the castle. | ||
| He's like, okay, I cannot come close. | ||
| You go, I come. | ||
| I see you at the other side. | ||
| I guess they don't let the guides come. | ||
| So we go, we take a picture too. | ||
| And then we're like, how's the guy going to find us? | ||
| And we start walking. | ||
| And I'm looking for the guy literally across the street in one of those Obi-Wan Kenobi. | ||
| Because that's what he's shown up with. | ||
| Obi-Wan Kenobi outfits with the hood on. | ||
| He's kind of across the street watching us, nodding. | ||
| And he's like, keep walking. | ||
| So he kind of kept an eye on us. | ||
| You know how in Star Wars, Obi-Wan was kind of weird like that? | ||
| Like, disappeared. | ||
| So I was like, George Lucas must have come here and gotten a guide. | ||
| And then he came up with the fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi. | ||
| Wow, that's so weird. | ||
| So how long has this guide outfit existed? | ||
| Dude, the guide outfit was his day outfit, and then by night he would show up kind of dressed regularly. | ||
| Whoa, that's so strange. | ||
| Did you ask how many years they've been doing this? | ||
| Is it an ancient tradition? | ||
| I didn't ask him about the outfit. | ||
| I just realized there was a bunch of guys with the outfit around. | ||
| Basically, you'd have your clothes underneath, and you'd just throw the robe on. | ||
| It's almost like a judge. | ||
| They just put it over. | ||
| Did you ever have a pet monkey that robbed you? | ||
| There was a pet monkey that robbed you. | ||
| There was... | ||
| It's funny you say that because they actually, first of all, they do have pet monkeys out there that do tricks and stuff. | ||
| But what he did was he took us to a rug store that he's like, you want to see rugs? | ||
| And at the time, I was living with my mom. | ||
| I was dating my girlfriend, but I was living with my mom, and I didn't have an apartment. | ||
| So I had nowhere to put rugs. | ||
| I was like, no, I don't need a rug. | ||
| He's like, just come and look at the rug. | ||
| And so finally, we go into this place. | ||
| The Moroccans are the biggest sales people. | ||
| They will push you till you buy. | ||
| The guy, he came out, he's like, you want to look at the rugs? | ||
| I was like, I don't really want to look at rugs. | ||
| He's like, just look, it's okay. | ||
| And then they bring you out mint tea. | ||
| So now I'm looking at my girl. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is fun. | ||
| They're going to give us free mint tea. | ||
| And all we got to do is look at some rugs. | ||
| And he's like, okay, out of these 10, what do you like? | ||
| I'm like, those are kind of nice. | ||
| He's like, okay, I give to you for, you know, whatever, $5,000. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I don't have a place to put them. | ||
| He's like, okay, which three do you like? | ||
| I was like, I don't want any. | ||
| He started negotiating. | ||
| I didn't even know I was negotiating. | ||
| Finally, I'm like, okay. | ||
| First of all, I'm waiting for her to bust in with like, look, dude, we don't want the fucking rugs. | ||
| But she's just sitting there going like, she's thinking, because later on I asked her, I was like, why don't you bust in? | ||
| She's like, I thought you're the man. | ||
| You're going to take it. | ||
| I was like, no, you got to come in. | ||
| It's like the tight ass. | ||
| And then finally, what was funny was I was like, oh, I got the Trump card here because it was literally in some back alley. | ||
| They barely had the door. | ||
| It was all old school. | ||
| There was nothing technical about the place. | ||
| I'm like, I got the trump card right here. | ||
| I'm just going to let the dude know, I got no cash, bro. | ||
| I got credit cards. | ||
| And I said that, and he's like, We have credit card machine. | ||
| He went and got the old thing. | ||
| And then they sold me three rugs. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| And the funny thing is they shipped it to America. | ||
| And I'm not kidding. | ||
| I had no place to put them. | ||
| For six months, I drove around with three rugs in my trunk. | ||
| You still have them? | ||
| I gave them away to relatives that had apartments. | ||
| I actually started to talk about it in stand-up, and I go, for six months I was going around trying to sell it to relatives. | ||
| No, you just look. | ||
| Have some mint tea. | ||
| But that's how they get you, man. | ||
| But that's like $1,200, man. | ||
| $1,200. | ||
| I was like, I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know if they're worth it. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| He scored. | ||
| He scored on you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They ate for a month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's funny how many cultures there are like that, that barter and try to get you to buy things on the street. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Street peddling is a big part of a lot of cultures. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That freaked me out when I first went to Tijuana. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'd never seen that before en masse, where people just selling everything on the street. | ||
| This was way back in the... | ||
| I went with Wheels. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wheels Parisi, yeah. | ||
| Wheels Parisi were doing the comedy store in La Jolla. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And Wheels didn't even know how to get there. | ||
| I go, do you know how to go there? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I know how to go there. | ||
| I didn't know where the fuck he was going. | ||
| I'm like, how do we get back to America? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Totally lost. | ||
| No navigation systems back then. | ||
| This is like the late 90s and shit. | ||
| You were lost, man. | ||
| I was like, we got to get the fuck out of Mexico. | ||
| I was in Mexico. | ||
| I was in Tijuana for 20 minutes. | ||
| I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| It's like, I couldn't believe the stark contrast between San Diego, cross the border, all of a sudden you're in a third world. | ||
| Like, whoa, this is hookers everywhere. | ||
| You know, girls walking the street, and you see guns open. | ||
| You see like open guns. | ||
| There was like so many creepy little fucking spots, and we were driving around these little weird cities. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Toyota Supra Turbo, shiny little, looking like an LA douchebag, looking like a victim. | ||
| And the Federales look free. | ||
| That's the problem in these places, is the cops are even, you gotta look out for the cops. | ||
| Yeah, they're trying to rob you, man. | ||
| I had that in Mexico, where the guy, because then what they do is, first of all, you walk into the Mexican bazaar I went into, there was nobody there. | ||
| It was dead. | ||
| It was middle of the day, no one's there. | ||
| And I walk in there, and the guy's like, hey. | ||
| You want to buy a bag or whatever? | ||
| You want to buy shoes? | ||
| I'm like, no, it's alright. | ||
| He's like, how about some weed? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| He's like, cocaine? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| And then he's like, fucking pussy? | ||
| They turn on you. | ||
| I'm like, what happened, man? | ||
| We were bros. | ||
| He's like, you fucking pussy. | ||
| Just because I don't want your heroin? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'm like, we got to get out of here, man. | ||
| Yeah, Mexico is a trippy place. | ||
| It's so strange that it's connected, you know, and people don't seem to recognize that threat, the fact that it's connected. | ||
| They actually said that McCain just came out, not that this means anything, but McCain just came out and said that giant forest fire they have going on right now in Arizona. | ||
| You know about that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Huge, out-of-control wildfire, and they think it was started by illegal immigrants setting up camp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Yeah, you know, there's a lot of guys, they cross the border in Arizona, you know, do little campfires and shit, and whoops, forgot to put the campfire out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Giant fucking 140,000 acre, who knows how many acres it is now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| It's insane, but it's... | ||
| I'm actually scheduled to do some show in Mexico in the fall, and what's funny is people are always scared of the Middle East and stuff, but my wife and I were talking about all these kidnappings and stuff going on in Mexico, and it's like, is it worth going down there? | ||
| I'm thinking about the same thing, like Cabo. | ||
| I was just thinking of going somewhere in Mexico, but is it even worth going? | ||
| I heard that if you go to resorts, you're fine. | ||
| My friend Matt just got back from Cabo. | ||
| He goes to Cabo all the time. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Cabo's supposed to still be nice, but There's Acapulco, which is real dangerous now. | ||
| Acapulco is supposed to be dangerous. | ||
| Cancun is supposed to be a little tricky. | ||
| They, for the most part, avoid the resort towns. | ||
| They don't want to fuck up business for everybody. | ||
| But in Acapulco, they've jacked people in resorts. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Acapulco is apparently pretty shady right now. | ||
| But Cabo is supposed to be still good. | ||
| I was in Cabo. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was a nice resort. | ||
| It's actually funny. | ||
| Before all this was kind of going on, like... | ||
| Five, six years ago, I went to Cabo, and we were staying at the Hilton, and it was a nice place. | ||
| And it was kind of funny, because everyone's out there, obviously, you know, tourists in their bathing suits. | ||
| And these two dudes showed up. | ||
| It was like Keystone... | ||
| It wasn't Keystone, it was like bumbling idiot criminals. | ||
| They showed up, these two guys, with empty bags, like duffel bags almost, with their shirts off, as if they're tourists, with jeans. | ||
| Obviously not tourists. | ||
| And there were these two Mexican dudes walking around the pool, just checking shit out, just walking around looking for a place to start snatching things. | ||
| And I looked at my wife and I was like, do those guys seem like they fit in here? | ||
| She's like, no. | ||
| I was like, I better tell somebody. | ||
| We went over and told the management, like, those two dudes don't look like their hotel clients. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they're getting escorted out. | ||
| They'd walked in, but it's like they did not, like, buy, you know, invest in a bathing suit, so at least you look the part. | ||
| They were in there with their jeans, with their shirts off, you know, obviously not, you know, just did not fit in at all. | ||
| It's weird how quickly it's changed. | ||
| I went on vacation in Cancun, I think in like 2000, 2001, and I wouldn't even think about going there now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too bad, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| There's so many spots I want to see. | ||
| I want to see all sorts of the Mayan ruins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's so many... | ||
| Pulum and, you know, I've been to Chichen Itza and... | ||
| There's one outside of Mexico City. | ||
| I would love to see them. | ||
| I mean, they're incredible. | ||
| I guess there's that exhibit in Cabo, that underwater art exhibit. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Where it's just a bunch of statues underneath the water, and you can go down there. | ||
| I think it's scuba dive or do something like that, where there's just this huge... | ||
| Art piece underneath the ocean. | ||
| Oh, recently someone's put there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I guess if you're a good artist, they will let you add your own work to it. | ||
| Like if you're an artist. | ||
| So it's kind of cool. | ||
| So all these really good artists have been adding things to it. | ||
| And I guess it's just amazing. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| And the only way you can get to it is by scuba diving? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not sure about that part. | ||
| But that's what I kind of gave her. | ||
| Maybe it's a boat. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| They've got to write that country, man. | ||
| They've got to figure it out. | ||
| They did with Colombia. | ||
| They straightened Colombia out. | ||
| Colombia, apparently, you can travel there now. | ||
| And it used to be, you know, back in the 80s when the cocaine crisis was going on, Colombia was just ridiculous. | ||
| You know, Medellin was a goddamn war zone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now, apparently, you can go to Colombia. | ||
| Like, they've taken care of shit. | ||
| They've cleaned it up. | ||
| But I don't know if they're ever going to be able to do that with Mexico. | ||
| It's just, it's so close to the supply, you know, the cash supply of America is like right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They can get the drugs and get that shit across quickly. | ||
| And they're doing crazy shit like rolling heads into discotheques and shit. | ||
| Have you heard about that? | ||
| Kill people and roll heads. | ||
| I mean, at what point do you go, I killed him, I cut off his head, let's roll it into a discotheque. | ||
| The other thing I've been thinking of is I guess Japan is so broke right now that it's so cheap to fly to Japan right now. | ||
| They need people to come to Japan because no one's going now. | ||
| And so I heard that there's flights for ridiculous amounts of money from LA, like 300 bucks or something like that, just to go to Japan. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I'm like, now, would you go to Tokyo? | ||
| Would you do that? | ||
| Or do you know anything about it? | ||
| I would have to read up on what the levels are as far as radiation goes. | ||
| But the problem with Japan and the radiation is that I don't think they've been entirely honest about it. | ||
| I don't think they've been honest about the leak. | ||
| They're finding out that all three of them are melt-throughs. | ||
| They're finding out all sorts of things where it turns out that the actual damage done by these nuclear disasters is far, far greater than what they had initially forecasted. | ||
| So who knows how far the spread of the radiation goes? | ||
| I would have to hear about that. | ||
| It would be a fucking shame to go there for a $300 ticket and just get fucking nuked. | ||
| Anything for a bargain. | ||
| Get bigger balls. | ||
| I would love to go to Japan though, man. | ||
| I've always wanted to go. | ||
| I was always hoping that we'd do a UFC in Japan. | ||
| It's such an amazing piece of history. | ||
| That one part of the world is so unique. | ||
| There are innovations as far as martial arts go and swordsmanship and literature. | ||
| That's where the Book of Five Rings came from. | ||
| The Book of Five Rings is one of my guidebooks for life, that Miyamoto Musashi book. | ||
| All that samurai way, all that shit came from Japan. | ||
| It's an amazing culture. | ||
| It does seem pretty crazy. | ||
| I don't know how they were before World War II, but it feels like after World War II, they became more capitalistic than we are even. | ||
| If you see any footage I've seen ever, it's like the neon lights and just the amount of Japanese and the products they love. | ||
| I don't think they're as materialistic as us, though. | ||
| I don't think they purchase things and own things. | ||
| I don't think there's a lot of emphasis in their culture of owning things. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think they spend all their money going out to eat and spend all their money drinking. | ||
| Makeup. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| And you also notice that a lot of them all have like eyelashes, fake eyelashes. | ||
| And they spend so much money. | ||
| The women. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The women spend. | ||
| Imagine if men started rocking fake eyelashes. | ||
| Well, you have to do it. | ||
| But they kind of do. | ||
| They spend a lot more money on how they look. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The Americans? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Americans? | ||
| Well, I saw at the Saddle Ranch. | ||
| I saw a group of like... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Seven kids. | ||
| And for sure they were from Japan? | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
China. | |
| Same shit. | ||
| But they all had their hair done with the blonde streaks in it. | ||
| And they all had their jeans that probably cost them $300. | ||
| They do. | ||
| I've always said the Japanese seem to be the most European of Asians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they're very much into... | ||
| Like you said, it seems like a different look. | ||
| You know, they are a little like hipper in their way. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's hot mixed with hairstylists. | ||
| It's interesting how many Japanese people are into American culture and how much they follow it and are really, really enamored by Elvis and all sorts of things. | ||
| Michael Jackson was a Superman for them. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fascinating culture. | ||
| You know, when they had all these problems with the tsunamis and the earthquake and everything like that, And people would wait in line for food and water and rations. | ||
| They were orderly as fuck, man. | ||
| Their culture is so polite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody was telling me that. | |
| Somebody told me that they went to a bar or something in Japan and people were lined up at the bar as opposed to the idea of just come at the bazaar mentality. | ||
| That's pretty crazy if you think about that. | ||
| Yeah, they're much more disciplined. | ||
| Much more disciplined and humble. | ||
| Did you ever see Babel, the movie Babel? | ||
| No. | ||
| You never saw Babel? | ||
| No, what is it? | ||
| Oh, it's a great movie. | ||
| Inaritu, the director. | ||
| Did you ever see Amores Peros? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's one of those movies I bought on DVD and I put it down somewhere. | ||
| I have to get in the mood to watch a movie with subtitles. | ||
| The dude, he's a great director. | ||
| I've seen a few of his movies. | ||
| I think he also did 21 Grants. | ||
| I might be mistaken. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| The movies I've seen him do all have two or three stories and they all kind of intertwine somehow. | ||
| And this one, Babel, was amazing and it had like three stories going on. | ||
| One of them was, it's Brad Pitt and not Naomi Watts, but I forget her name. | ||
| Anyway, they go to Morocco and they're visiting Morocco and some shit goes down. | ||
| And then there's another story of A Mexican family who's trying to get to a wedding, I think, across the border. | ||
| And then they get into some trouble. | ||
| And then there's a story of this Japanese girl. | ||
| This is what I was talking about, the Japanese thing. | ||
| It's so amazing. | ||
| This girl, I think she should have won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress that year. | ||
| She plays a deaf girl. | ||
| Who's just depressed and living with her dad and this stuff. | ||
| As an actor, I don't know how you play deaf, and I don't know how you do it that well. | ||
| It's the most amazing thing. | ||
| What was really cool about it was, so this girl's like a party girl, having a good time with her friends, but she's depressed. | ||
| This intense scene where they're out, they're partying, I think they do ecstasy or something, and they end up at a nightclub. | ||
| And it's the coolest thing because suddenly it goes from her perspective. | ||
| Imagine from a deaf person's perspective, a nightclub. | ||
| So it's like really loud, but she's not hearing the whole thing. | ||
| It's just kind of muddled, and she's kind of looking around. | ||
| And it's the most intense shit. | ||
| I'm kind of getting goosebumps. | ||
| You've got to see it. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| It's called Babel. | ||
| B-A-B-E-L. It has a great soundtrack, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I've heard of it. | ||
| And this scene, this girl killed it and she ended up losing to Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls. | ||
| Was that the movie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I saw her. | ||
| I saw some of that. | ||
| I didn't see the whole thing in that. | ||
| But I think that she won because it was like a popular, like she sang in that. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there was some good acting in it. | ||
| But this girl just knocked it out. | ||
| Like as an actor to sit there and watch somebody kill it like that. | ||
| You're like, damn! | ||
| But it was all Japan, and it was pretty cool. | ||
| It was a cool night in Japan kind of thing. | ||
| Such an unusual culture, man. | ||
| It's a really crazy place. | ||
| They invented the suicide bombing, too. | ||
| They invented the kamikaze. | ||
| You know what they did? | ||
| They got people on crystal meth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's how they got him to do kamikaze work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy as that. | |
| They gave him crazy amphetamines. | ||
| Made him just fucking do nutty shit. | ||
| Crazy as that. | ||
| Makes sense, right? | ||
| You know what's interesting is when you realize, that's good to know, when you realize sometimes the motivation behind some things. | ||
| My dad, before he passed away, he used to tell me that a lot of the mullahs in Iran... | ||
| A lot of people in Iran smoke opium. | ||
| It's like smoking weed, but it's opium. | ||
| And he was saying that a lot of these mullahs actually smoke opium. | ||
| And I ended up doing a bit about, you know, a stand-up about how the reason these guys are talking shit to America is because they're high. | ||
| And suddenly they start making sense. | ||
| Even like Gaddafi, supposedly it's just high on all kinds of meds. | ||
| And so you realize why the guy's out there talking like he's fucking Tony Montana. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen some of the quotes, but he's like, I'm going to fight till the death. | ||
| So, you know, somebody might give him like credit as like, I mean, his followers would be like credit for like, oh, this guy's got balls. | ||
| He's staying up to America. | ||
| But no, the guy's fucking high. | ||
| He's just talking shit. | ||
| And the same thing with these guys that are kamikaze, you know, it's like, oh, wow, there's a lot of balls to do that. | ||
| Yeah, if you're fucking high on meth, you're like, yeah, I think I'm about to fucking take on this fucking boat with my little plane. | ||
| I just saw a movie. | ||
| You guys remember that movie, Airport? | ||
| It was big in the 70s. | ||
| Airport? | ||
| Yeah, it was about a terrorism act that this guy lost his job, the economy was shit, and he was going to kill himself to collect on insurance. | ||
| And so he went on this plane, and it was kind of cool to see how planes used to be where people were smoking on them and all this crap. | ||
| And then he blew up a bomb on the plane, and it was so funny seeing how, A, how we used to think if a bomb blew up on a plane, like how this little hole came out and the wind blew around a little. | ||
| It was like, oh, it's windy in here, you know? | ||
| Like the plane's not falling to the ground or anything like that. | ||
| But it was also weird just seeing how the airport security used to be, how movies... | ||
| This was a movie about a terrorist blowing up a bomb in 1979 or 1972 or something. | ||
| I think it was even earlier than that. | ||
| But they made four movies about it. | ||
| I don't know if you guys ever seen it. | ||
| So this was actually an actual thing that happened? | ||
| And it was based on a true story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This was just their take of terrorism back in the 70s. | ||
| And bombs and blowing up the planes. | ||
| Well, there was some... | ||
| In 1970 it was. | ||
| There was some terrorism back then. | ||
| I mean, there had been that event that happened at the Olympics. | ||
| The Munich Olympics, yeah. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| That was the 72 Olympics. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we've had terrorism forever. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, they say even if you go back to the whole Jewish-Palestinian thing, before Israel became a state, the Jews were doing terrorist acts to try and get... | ||
| Get more locks. | ||
| Yeah, to get more locks, yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, an oppressed people are always doing the terrorist act. | ||
| But no, the thing with what you're talking about, air travel and stuff, even now when you travel, when you go to different parts of the world, it's amazing to see their take on terrorism and their take through the airport. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| Well, I've just seen... | ||
| I've been to airports now, sometimes in the Middle East, where the dude's straight up He's talking on his phone. | ||
| The TSA guy is on an earpiece, talking on a phone. | ||
| Just like, go ahead. | ||
| I was joking. | ||
| He's like, go ahead. | ||
| You can go because we're all terrorists. | ||
| That was my take, jokingly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| I've had dudes on the phone, not paying attention. | ||
| I saw one TSA dude, literally, he kind of moved out of the way, and he was checking out chicks' asses as they would walk by. | ||
| That's where his mind was. | ||
| In Australia, I've done this on domestic flights, you can take liquids on. | ||
| And I don't know what the deal is. | ||
| I was about to throw the water away, and the guy's like, no, bring it on. | ||
| It's so raw. | ||
| And I'm like, that's kind of weird, man. | ||
| Yeah, some places they don't make you take your sneakers off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's just weird. | ||
| Different places, different takes on it. | ||
| The whole thing's ridiculous. | ||
| Or like, I'm sorry, I landed when my wife was studying in southwest Spain. | ||
| She was studying Marbella, which is known to be a drug slash mafia, all these Russian mob. | ||
| Anyone who's doing some illegal shit goes to Marbella. | ||
| And when I landed at the airport, You know how usually there's customs, this and that? | ||
| There's no... | ||
| I was like, I could have a bag filled with heroin right now. | ||
| And they're like, come on in, man. | ||
| So it's known for being an illegal safe zone? | ||
| I'll tell you, I realized I was walking on the... | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I was walking on the little boardwalk... | ||
| I saw this big... | ||
| You know how some Russian dudes are big? | ||
| This guy was big. | ||
| He had the short shorts, no shirt on, black socks all the way up to the knee, on a cell phone, just walking with a gold chain. | ||
| I'm like, that dude's a Russian mob. | ||
| I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| I was like Tony Soprano going out for a walk. | ||
| Russian mob's way scarier to me than the Italian mob. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| The Italian mob has so much ego and flashiness. | ||
| All the shit that John Gotti did, everybody thought of John Gotti as like, wow, this is the ultimate gangster. | ||
| No, this is the ultimate thing you're not supposed to do. | ||
| You're not supposed to be on TV where everybody knows who the fuck you are. | ||
| You're not supposed to be so blatant about it all, wearing fucking $15,000 suits and You know, having people knocked off in front of steakhouses. | ||
| Like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| You guys are going to ruin the whole thing. | ||
| And it did wind up ruining the whole thing. | ||
| Whereas the Russian mobsters... | ||
| When was the last time a Russian mobster got clipped and was on TV? There's no Russian John Gotti's. | ||
| There are, but you're never going to fucking hear about him. | ||
| Well, the thing about the Russians, too, is like... | ||
| Again, I talk about this on stage, and it's total truth. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| If you watch, anytime there's something going on, I would say whenever there's a hostage situation, these guys are so badass. | ||
| The military shows up and they just kill everybody. | ||
| They're like, yeah, we might save some hostages, but they'll probably die. | ||
| We're going to kill the hostage takers, we might kill each other. | ||
| They're so badass. | ||
| And that's why, I'm serious, the biggest mobsters in Russia, Vladimir Putin is the leader. | ||
| When he left as prime minister, he made the other guy... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His name just slipped my mind right now. | ||
| He brought the other guy in as the president, and then he just became prime minister. | ||
| It's like, when you pull shit like that, It's like, alright, this dude... | ||
| It's gangster shit. | ||
| It's gangster shit. | ||
| Yeah, and he's a black belt in judo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Medveev. | |
| Yeah, Medveev. | ||
| And he's a black belt in judo. | ||
| Like a legit black belt. | ||
| Still trains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flips people through the fucking air. | ||
| So he lets everybody like Obama know. | ||
| Like, bitch, I'll kill you. | ||
| And you see it in the eyes. | ||
| Like, when you watch... | ||
| Again, I saw the press conference. | ||
| The contrast, if you can YouTube it, after September 11th, there was a press conference with Bush and Putin. | ||
| Bush was with a speech, with us or against us, smoke them out of the hole. | ||
| Putin was just straight up like, what are you guys going to do? | ||
| He's like, we're going to kill them. | ||
| Like, who? | ||
| He's like, anyone wear a turban, we kill. | ||
| You see it in his eyes. | ||
| He's thinking, okay, I will say what I need to say. | ||
| But afterwards, some dying is going to happen. | ||
| Well, apparently, Bush and Putin had a meeting, and Bush was so offensively ignorant that Putin immediately started changing the way he negotiates and deals with America afterwards. | ||
| He just didn't respect what Bush had to say. | ||
| Bush was giving him advice about things, and he's like, who the fuck are you talking to, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm Vladimir Putin, bitch. | ||
| You're just the son of some fucking CIA agent who happens to be the puppet in charge. | ||
| I'm really running shit in Russia. | ||
| That's the difference between the President of America. | ||
| The President of America is like some sort of a fucking figurehead for giant corporations. | ||
| The guy who's running Russia is really running Russia. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| I always say, I don't fuck with Russians, man. | ||
| It's a tough, tough world up there, man. | ||
| You know, that fucking Staryoskel where Fedor Emelianenko, the former heavyweight pride champion, came from. | ||
| I never watched documentaries on that guy in that life. | ||
| You know, you look at him up there in that mining town near Siberia and shit. | ||
| Freezing fucking cold. | ||
| It's like hours away from St. Petersburg, Russia by train. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing out here, man? | ||
| Some hardy ass people. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| You know, they have wolf problems up there. | ||
| Oh, do they? | ||
| Yeah, they're having giant packs of super wolves that are banding together for the first time and killing livestock because it's so fucking cold this winter. | ||
| It got so cold up there that many packs of wolves joined together to become one giant pack because the freezing temperatures were killing all of their game and they were getting desperate so they formed some sort of a new strategy. | ||
| And would go into fucking towns and just jack all their livestock. | ||
| Dude, that's got to be the worst way to go. | ||
| Can you imagine if you're walking home with your girlfriend or wife after dinner one night, and you're like, oh, that was a great dinner, and then you go, and you look back, you're like, that's a pack of fucking wolves! | ||
| Wolves are terrifying to me. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Because we've killed them off in this country, and then we started restocking them. | ||
| They're having a problem right now in Idaho, I believe it is, because they've stocked the giant gray wolf from Canada. | ||
| And they brought it into Idaho to try to bring the populations up. | ||
| But now the populations are out of control. | ||
| And they're in the several thousands. | ||
| And now they're killing livestock and fucking things up. | ||
| And you have to worry about them with people, too. | ||
| Because they're big animals. | ||
| They're like 180 pounds. | ||
| And they will kill people. | ||
| All that big, bad wolf shit and little bit of riding hood shit where it was always wolves... | ||
| That's because wolves used to kill people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Before we figured out tanks and jets and guns, there was a real issue. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to fuck with a wolf, man. | ||
| They're like Russians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't fuck with them. | |
| That's funny. | ||
| There was a great documentary on Yellowstone and the cycle of life in Yellowstone. | ||
| And one of the things it talked about is how the wolves got stronger over the winter. | ||
| And all these other animals got fucked. | ||
| All these other animals, like they couldn't find their vegetation. | ||
| They had digging through all the snow to get to their plants. | ||
| And the wolves were just eating all these deer. | ||
| So they would be well fed and they would be stronger. | ||
| And the livestock, the caribou, the deers, they would all slowly start to weaken. | ||
| And they would all just get taken out by wolves. | ||
| It was fascinating to watch, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Two thoughts came to mind. | ||
| One was I remember as a kid in Iran, in Tehran, I left when I was six. | ||
| And I remember my dad was like a manly man. | ||
| And he was a self-made millionaire in Iran. | ||
| So back then, he was like the godfather. | ||
| The shit he would do for people, he was like the godfather. | ||
| Straight up like Don Corleone. | ||
| Come to him, whatever you need done. | ||
| And all his friends were like wrestlers and shit, like tough dudes. | ||
| A lot of wrestlers. | ||
| A lot of wrestlers, yeah. | ||
| And then my dad was a big drinker because he was from northern Iran. | ||
| Tabriz was near the border of Russia. | ||
| So vodka was like water. | ||
| They would drink it all the time. | ||
| So I just have this memory of my dad. | ||
| We were coming home from a party. | ||
| He was obviously drunk. | ||
| He was driving us home. | ||
| And there was a pack of wild dogs down the block from where we lived. | ||
| And my dad was so crazy, like manly, he pulled the car over and picked up a couple rocks and started chasing the pack of dogs. | ||
| Drunk on vodka. | ||
| I'm coming here. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| Family in the car and he's throwing rocks at wild dogs. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm sitting there as a kid going like, damn, my dad is badass. | ||
| When you grow up, you're like, no, man, my dad was drunk. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Well, Iranians are famous for their physical conditioning. | ||
| There's like a lot of techniques that they used from Iran that are still used today, like physical conditioning and certain, like the shield cast and a couple of fitness moves. | ||
| And the wrestlers from Iran are known internationally for being some of the toughest wrestlers in the world. | ||
| Especially when you consider that Iran is not a very large country, but consistently produces top 10 world-class wrestlers every year. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Wrestling is one of our big sports there, and it's a huge thing. | ||
| Iron Sheik, bitch! | ||
| Iron Sheik, baby! | ||
| Recognized. | ||
| He was a legit wrestler at one point in time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's wrestling and weightlifting, too, is another one. | ||
| Like, Iranians always compete. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| It's a manly country. | ||
| Yeah, manly country. | ||
| But it's funny. | ||
| The other thought that came to mind with the Wolves, when you're talking about the Wolves, is having a kid. | ||
| I'm sure you've seen it. | ||
| It's funny how these children's books, and obviously Big Bad Wolf, but once in a while they'll be like, you know... | ||
| The cute little wolf or the cute little, like some animals that like, you know, the hippo. | ||
| My son loves hippos. | ||
| He was talking about like hippos are known for the most deaths. | ||
| But my son's like, you know, hippo, hippo, hippo. | ||
| And like, they're so cute. | ||
| How about polar bears? | ||
| It's so coke. | ||
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Coca-Cola, polar bear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Monsters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Fucking evil cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| You could do a spoof behind the scenes. | ||
| You know how some actors that are so lovable end up being such assholes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like the fucking star baseball player who tells a kid to go fuck himself and ask for an autograph. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What the fuck, mister? | ||
| You're my hero. | ||
| I love hippos. | ||
| Trying to eat you. | ||
| Fucking biting your car tires off. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| There's a great picture online of this African guy running from a hippo. | ||
| And it's a funny picture and a terrifying picture. | ||
| It's funny because the guy made it. | ||
| He survived. | ||
| He got away from the hippo. | ||
| But it's fucking terrifying when you're watching it, man. | ||
| Because this guy is running, which is essentially a gigantic wild pig. | ||
| It's what they are. | ||
| They're a different kind of pig. | ||
| They're in the family of pigs. | ||
| And pigs are ruthless assholes. | ||
| And this giant wild pig is chasing this guy down the street. | ||
| It's fucking terrifying. | ||
| Can you imagine the thought? | ||
| One of my thoughts at that point would be... | ||
| Are they supposed to run faster? | ||
| I'd be starting to think about, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Have I ever heard of a news piece about these guys? | ||
| The only thing that keeps you safe is that they can't run too far because they're so big. | ||
| They're so big and they're carrying so much mass and a lot of times they spend a lot of their time in the water. | ||
| They can run, but it's not their best move. | ||
| You've got to out-distance them. | ||
| This guy was running fast, and this thing looked like it was right on his ass. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about this podcast is that we have this message board at JoeRogan.net, and whenever we bring up something like this in the podcast, there's a thread that's already dedicated to the Maz Jirvani podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Mr. Denison? | ||
| He puts it up. | ||
| I should give the guy credit because he puts it up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Mr. Denizen. | ||
| Cool motherfucker. | ||
| He's always doing this. | ||
| But I know somewhere on this thread, someone's going to put that picture of that hippo chasing that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's a beautiful thing. | ||
| The internet's a beautiful thing in that respect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you said that picture, and we're talking about African stuff. | ||
| Have you seen those pictures? | ||
| I think it might have been Mogadishu. | ||
| Have you seen those pictures of these guys when they were chasing dudes with machetes? | ||
| Did you remember that shit? | ||
| There was like something going on. | ||
| I think it was Mogadishu years ago. | ||
| Is that the Hutsis? | ||
| It might have been that. | ||
| Yeah, it might have been that. | ||
| Yeah, that would be Rwanda then, yeah. | ||
| The Tutsis and the Hutus. | ||
| Yeah, whatever you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, Hotel Rwanda. | ||
| But it's crazy to see human beings chasing each other. | ||
| The dude was like straight up chasing. | ||
| They were chasing this one dude. | ||
| They had machetes in their hands. | ||
| And the first thought is like, holy shit. | ||
| Second thought is, this cameraman is nuts! | ||
| He's sitting there going, like, taking pictures of this shit, you know? | ||
| I'd be like, okay, I can tell the story. | ||
| I'm not going to fucking... | ||
| And then the third, it's just that poor guy. | ||
| They're going to catch him, and they're going to fucking chop him to pieces. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Human beings are such assholes. | ||
| Well, especially in Africa, man. | ||
| There's a long history of that shit going on in Africa. | ||
| And whatever we're talking about, the Hutus and the Titsis, however you say it. | ||
| Somebody correct me. | ||
| Hutus. | ||
| I don't have internet. | ||
| Please, somebody on Twitter, correct me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those guys, one of the things about the horrors of that war is that they would go into a town and kill thousands of people with machetes. | ||
| Just chop them up and then they would pollute the river because they would throw so many bodies in the river that the water from the river would become undrinkable because it was rotten with human bodies. | ||
| It's a terrifying place. | ||
| Africa is so fucking wild. | ||
| To this day, in 2011, it's probably the wildest place on earth. | ||
| But just war in general, like they were talking about, they just caught one of these other Serbs, Serbian leaders. | ||
| Remember, there was Milosevic and then there was another guy that just caught, I forget his name, but they've got all these counts of human atrocities against them. | ||
| He was a general, I guess, and he would go into a town and they would capture the enemies and then they would say, he would say something like, you know, hey, it's all good, we just wanted to capture the town, so all the men, you guys can come out and we'll let you go. | ||
| And, like, the men would come out and they would get them out by, like, saying, like, it's all good. | ||
| And once they come out, like, they would massacre the men and then, like, they would rape the women. | ||
| I mean, it's just like, why do you got to do that? | ||
| It's like, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's old school Genghis Khan type shit. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| People are just... | ||
| Hutus and the Tutsis. | ||
| Tutsis and the Hutus. | ||
| Great movie, Hotel Rwanda, by the way. | ||
| Thank you, Create Culture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Perry 411. Yeah. | ||
| And Frederick Lambert. | ||
| And Reed 3 Reed. | ||
| Hey, can I say a shout-out to my brother-in-law? | ||
| He loves the show. | ||
| P.D. P.D. Mani. | ||
| I don't know if he's listening right now or not. | ||
| P.D. Mani. | ||
| What's happening, brother? | ||
| P.D. Mani. | ||
| He loves the show, man. | ||
| He loves your show. | ||
| I was in Vancouver, and we came out of this steak restaurant. | ||
| I was with Bad Bobby and Savage Science from the Rogan Board. | ||
| And we stepped out of this steak restaurant, and as we stepped out, the guy goes, Hey! | ||
| And he puts his hand on my shoulder, and then he pulls off his earbuds and shows me his iPod, and he's listening to the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Cool. | ||
| How cool is that? | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| I was like, wow, that is fucking nuts, man. | ||
| That's a surreal moment, right? | ||
| It was so surreal. | ||
| It's like I heard Sting in an interview. | ||
| He said he knew he was starting to make it when he was at some meeting in some office in the high-rise. | ||
| I don't know if this is true or not, but he said he saw the guy outside clean the window, and the guy was singing Roxanne or something. | ||
| He was like, oh shit, I made it. | ||
| Well, once Eddie Murphy sang that in that movie, it just became... | ||
| I didn't even know about that song until I saw... | ||
| That movie, and Eddie Murphy was singing it in the movie. | ||
| Dude, as a kid, that might have been one of my favorite movie moments. | ||
| Because I went into that movie being a huge Eddie Murphy fan. | ||
| How could you not be? | ||
| And then when they introduced him like that, he basically lived up to everything you expected. | ||
| And then that movie just got better. | ||
| I watch that movie now. | ||
| When he goes into the bar, you best have yourself a black Russian. | ||
| There's a new sheriff in town. | ||
| His name is Richard Hammond. | ||
| It's so great, man. | ||
| Yeah, dude, he was the best. | ||
| No one was a better comedic actor in a movie than Eddie Murphy, in my opinion. | ||
| 48 hours with him and Nick Nolte. | ||
| He just took over. | ||
| And it was the right amount of vulnerable, the right amount of badass and cocky, and the right amount of self-deprecating. | ||
| And he was like 22 at that point. | ||
| Yeah, ridiculous. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| And a killer stand-up, too. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's almost a shame that he had all this... | ||
| Problems with trannies and what have you, where he doesn't want to go on stage anymore. | ||
| He doesn't want people to heckle him. | ||
| Because goddamn, at one point in time, if you go back and listen to his shit when he was like 19, he was a brilliant comedian at like 19 years old, man. | ||
| Yeah, he was very funny. | ||
| Actually, I rented some old videos, and there was a national competition, and they showed the top five winners. | ||
| And he was fifth place. | ||
| And everyone ahead of him, they're not allowed anymore. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| Well, he doesn't even do comedy anymore. | ||
| That's the weird thing. | ||
| His brother does. | ||
| It's like Charlie's out there carrying on the family name. | ||
| It's funny, because when people ask me about how I got into comedy, I was in college, and I thought about doing it a few times, and I was always intimidated, because I'd done acting in plays, but I was always intimidated to get in front of an audience and talk about my point of view. | ||
| So I was in college and I saw these two guys and they were just horrible. | ||
| It was a comedy competition. | ||
| And so I told myself, the next time there's a competition, I'm just going to do it. | ||
| So I always tell people, I say, you know, you get inspired by greatness and mediocrity. | ||
| I was inspired by mediocrity. | ||
| And the funny thing is, just like maybe a year, year and a half ago, I'm at the comedy store in the original room on a Tuesday. | ||
| And I just came off like this big tour in Australia where I was like headlining in front of a lot of people. | ||
| And you know, it was like automatic. | ||
| I called on a Monday, just gave avails for every night. | ||
| And so I get a Tuesday night show. | ||
| So I go up and it's like, the crowd's not that great. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| I'm like, I just got off the road doing, you know, 1,000 people in an hour, 20. And now I got to do 15 minutes. | ||
| I don't want to try anything new. | ||
| I was like, I don't even want to be here. | ||
| I was like, why did I do this? | ||
| I get on stage. | ||
| I'm just all over the place. | ||
| Nothing's really hitting. | ||
| The only person laughing is Johnny Zapp. | ||
| You know Johnny Zapp? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And what's funny about Johnny Zapp is in the past, when I first became a regular at the comedy store, Johnny Zapp actually... | ||
| He watched the set one time and he started giving me tags. | ||
| And I didn't know who he was because he'll tell you, he's like, I was around when Richard Pryor was here, this and that. | ||
| So I thought he was like a genius of comedy. | ||
| So he gave me some tags. | ||
| And quickly I realized, I was like, no, this is a dude that hangs out. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He's a crazy dude that hangs out. | ||
| Because then he started giving me the tags. | ||
| I was like, these are horrible tags. | ||
| And so I'm sitting on stage. | ||
| I'm kind of dying. | ||
| And Zap is the only one laughing. | ||
| And I'm like, thank you, Johnny. | ||
| And then I'm getting ready to get off stage. | ||
| And Steve burns the next comic. | ||
| And Steve always does a long, kind of jokey intro for me. | ||
| Who's next? | ||
| Maz Jobrani. | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| This next guy, I'm not sure if you guys want to watch him. | ||
| He'll do like that. | ||
| So I start doing that to Steve. | ||
| And I'm just riffing a little bit. | ||
| And it's just getting like, this is a very mediocre set. | ||
| I'm walking off stage. | ||
| Zap waves me down. | ||
| It's a Tuesday night. | ||
| I'm like, oh, God, Zap's got a tag for me. | ||
| And he goes, hey, man, Eddie Murphy's here. | ||
| And I thought he was in the main room because Eddie Murphy's always in the main room. | ||
| So I thought he was like, oh, Eddie Murphy's in the main room. | ||
| I was like, so what? | ||
| So I started walking. | ||
| And as I'm walking, Eddie was sitting the whole set watching my set in Mitzi's seat. | ||
| You know Mitzi's seat? | ||
| I walked past Eddie. | ||
| I'm like, oh, my God, I just died in front of my comedy hero. | ||
| I walked down the steps. | ||
| I turn around waiting for my buddy who's coming to get me. | ||
| We're going to go to the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Eddie walks down in front of my buddy, gives me the quick little look, doesn't say anything, just keeps walking. | ||
| So in the back of my mind, the only saving grace is I'm thinking to myself, okay, he's going to make a comeback. | ||
| He's going to end up on The Tonight Show. | ||
| They're going to be like, what inspired you to come back? | ||
| And he'd be like, you know, I was watching this mediocre set one time. | ||
| I'm the reason he came back! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be awesome. | |
| You brought Andy Murphy back! | ||
| That's how I roll, man. | ||
| You know, I was talking about this on the Kevin Smith Show about going on stage. | ||
| How some guys will just go on stage fearlessly, like Chris Rock will go on stage fearlessly with a batch of new material and just hash it out and see what the fuck happens. | ||
| And if it comes out, it comes out. | ||
| But it's so tough to bomb. | ||
| To bomb in front of a guy like Eddie Murphy must be just fucking terrible. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, and here's the funny thing. | ||
| Halfway through the set, I'm not kidding, it was a Tuesday night, because the whole time I'm going... | ||
| Just get it together and get through it and be funny. | ||
| And part of me is like, I'm all over the place, so my head's really not into it. | ||
| And I'm not even like... | ||
| Because sometimes I go up there and just go, I'm going to riff for five minutes for new material. | ||
| I just wasn't... | ||
| You know when you're up there, I'm like, why did I even put in? | ||
| So halfway through the set, I'm like, dude, get your shit together and make it a good set because somebody might be in the audience. | ||
| And I swear to God, the past 12 years I've been there, I have never had that thought. | ||
| And I thought to myself... | ||
| And then the other voice, the Comedy Store voice came in my head. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Who the fuck's gonna be in this eye? | ||
| And who cares? | ||
| The whole point of the Comedy Store is to go with, who cares? | ||
| And so it was one of those, who cares? | ||
| Who could be in this audience that has any kind of influence? | ||
| An agent or something? | ||
| It's fucking Eddie Murphy. | ||
| People so don't realize, when you talk about the Comedy Store, I used to say when I lived in Boston, that that was Mecca. | ||
| I would hear about, like, Kinnison and Richard Pryor, and there was the comedy store in Hollywood. | ||
| But then you actually get there, and you realize, oh, this is an insane asylum, and no one's watching it. | ||
| No one's paying any attention, and that fucking mic is just turned on at one point in the night, and then there's no host, even. | ||
| The comedian's tag team. | ||
| There's no club in town that does that, by the way, where all the comedians just bring each other up. | ||
| No, there's a fucking host, like a professional show. | ||
| And the guy will go up, and he'll bring people up, and he'll do a little time in between, and he'll give you your intro and get it straight. | ||
| No, there's no fucking get your intros straight at the store. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| I'll be honest, because that's where I actually grew as a comedy. | ||
| I'd done one year of comedy, and then I became a regular comedy store. | ||
| And it was great because there was no pressure. | ||
| It was like, I got used to shit crowds. | ||
| That was what was weird when I started performing at the Laugh Factory, and there was real crowds. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god! | ||
| People are so nice at the improv. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's so weird. | |
| And it's weird seeing guys who started in town and started at one of the clubs with audiences. | ||
| I actually saw a couple of comics one time. | ||
| I saw this at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| One comic go like, oh, I'm not going after so-and-so. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's an option? | ||
| I didn't realize that's an option. | ||
| At the store, I mean, how many times did Mitzi shove you on after some killer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Some Martin Lawrence-type character. | ||
| Someone would go up and destroy. | ||
| There you go, Maz. | ||
| And also what happened, like... | ||
| The weirdest one I had was one time it was one of these thin nights, not much of an audience. | ||
| Dice does a stop in. | ||
| He's going to do like an hour. | ||
| And the crowd, it's a thin crowd, but it's his crowd. | ||
| They start loving him. | ||
| And I'm trying to work on, it was kind of towards the Iraq war, and I'm trying to work on some anti-war shit, political shit. | ||
| And he's doing like, you know, fuck ass and fuck this and fuck this. | ||
| Fucking ass! | ||
| Yeah, and he's doing it, doing it, doing it, and they're loving him, and then it was weird. | ||
| He does one joke, and somehow there was feedback on the mic, and he just looks at the mic for a second, then he looks at the audience, he drops the mic, and he walks off. | ||
| And the piano player is not there. | ||
| There's no one there. | ||
| Like you said, no one is running the asylum. | ||
| And nobody even said, like, who's next? | ||
| It's just dead. | ||
| And the audience is kind of like, that's weird. | ||
| And no one's there. | ||
| So I'm like, I'm next. | ||
| I gotta go up. | ||
| So I had to go up on stage and be like, hey, how you guys doing? | ||
| I'm Maz Jobrani. | ||
| Nobody knew who the fuck I was. | ||
| And that just makes you tough. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| My hardest sets were following Dice. | ||
| I had a bunch of hard sets following Dice. | ||
| Following Dice, following Martin Lawrence, following Menstelia, following Richard Pryor when Richard Pryor was still doing stand-up. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, those were weird times. | ||
| But Mitzi was always real smart about that. | ||
| If she thought you were any good, she wasn't going to give you an easy spot. | ||
| If she thought you were decent and you had a spark in you, she would throw you on in the worst position possible. | ||
| What is it, a black show? | ||
| Yeah, put them on after Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And she would think it's funny knowing that you get... | ||
| I think that would be fun. | ||
| I think that would be the best challenges of just being able to try that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It is. | ||
| After it's over... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Sometimes it works well if you go in there with, like, I'm fucked mentality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you ride the wave, though. | ||
| Like, one time I did. | ||
| One time they were doing something in the main room. | ||
| It was the Black Film Festival. | ||
| And they had a comedy show. | ||
| And it was supposed to be headlined by Eddie Griffin. | ||
| So people had actually come expecting Eddie. | ||
| And Eddie walked in and saw that they'd sold tickets. | ||
| And he's like, I'm not getting paid or some shit. | ||
| He got upset about something. | ||
| He's like, I'm not going up. | ||
| So then someone came to me and they're like, hey, we need you to get in there. | ||
| To close out the show. | ||
| So they were expecting Eddie Griffin. | ||
| And I walk up. | ||
| And it was so funny because everyone just got up and started walking out. | ||
| And there was one table that hung out. | ||
| And literally, I was so defeated at the top that I was like, thanks for hanging out. | ||
| I said, I feel like I'm the rolling credits at the end of the film. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said, that's what it feels like. | |
| For the film festival. | ||
| And people were just leaving. | ||
| And that one table was with me because it was all self-deprecating material because it was like, you know, what am I doing here? | ||
| And it was like 15, 20 minutes of that. | ||
| And you live. | ||
| Sometimes, though, if you go into that situation where it's still kind of a hot crowd and then you go in and now you got to perform and it's like they get, you know, they're not laughing and then you try some crowd work and it's not working. | ||
| I had that on a Mo' Better Mondays at the improv one time. | ||
| And it was funny because I'd gotten good... | ||
| Because I did Friday After Next. | ||
| So I had some street cred in the Brack community. | ||
| And there's a Holy Moly donut shop, this character in the movie. | ||
| So I'd been doing... | ||
| I did Chocolate Sundaes. | ||
| I did the Comedy Store one. | ||
| And then I overheard a few people talking about how Mo' Better Mondays was one of the toughest black rooms. | ||
| I was like, how tough could it be? | ||
| And I'm getting ready to go on and this one other comic was like, hey man, you got your shit together? | ||
| And Tripoli was there too. | ||
| He's like, listen bro, just hang in there. | ||
| And I went up there and I ate so much shit because it was this like, it was a crowd because you go in there, it was early in the show and you're expected to be a good crowd. | ||
| And it's one of those things where you get a couple of laughs, and you hear the pin drop kind of thing, and then you try another joke, and it's not working. | ||
| Then you try some crowd work, and it's not working. | ||
| And then you start going against your own instincts. | ||
| So your instinct's like, okay, attack the chick wearing the pink, whatever, the pink fucking antennas for whatever. | ||
| Attack the dude in the purple leather suit. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| But then you're like, no, they're going to kick your ass. | ||
| And then you just go into like... | ||
| Give me that light, man. | ||
| It's hard to pick on someone when you're bombing. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You're bombing. | ||
| You don't feel confident to pick on someone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, whoa. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| Bombing in a black crowd is really hard, too, because it's very hard to pull yourself out. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Once it goes down, white crowds will give you some room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But black crowds are like, next. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| CK has a great story about bombing on MoBeta Mondays. | ||
| That he went up and he realized that there was no recovering. | ||
| They didn't want you to recover. | ||
| He tried out a joke and it didn't work. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| They were like, next, get off. | ||
| Wait a minute, I could try some other shit. | ||
| Nope, get out of here. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| But I think it's good to do a room like that where people have no problem with booing you off the stage real quick. | ||
| It's not the best thing to do all the time. | ||
| But every now and then, it's good as a little reality check. | ||
| Your shit better be tight, son. | ||
| Better come out that gate swinging. | ||
| And the most important thing is the first bit. | ||
| That first bit's got to be strong. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| You might even want to open with your closer if it's possible, if you don't need to set that bitch up with your personality beforehand. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| But the other good thing that you learn when you do that, because I remember learning this early on, I was like, never believe the hype, because sometimes you'll kill and you're like, I am God! | ||
| And then sometimes you die, and you're depressed. | ||
| But I was like, you can never go with... | ||
| The good thing about these lessons on those things is to go, listen, man, my shit's funny. | ||
| They didn't work tonight, but that's a funny joke. | ||
| That's a funny joke. | ||
| I've had sets before where... | ||
| And usually it happens in the comic store original room where it's not an all-black crowd. | ||
| It's like this crowd of... | ||
| A few Norwegians, a couple of Aussies, a couple of LA hipsters. | ||
| It's all this mixed crowd. | ||
| And I'm having a blast. | ||
| And they're not laughing. | ||
| And I've seen comedians be like, you guys don't get it. | ||
| But I don't even go to the... | ||
| You don't get it. | ||
| I just go like, guys, that was a funny... | ||
| I'm kind of like, you guys don't want to be on the ride. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| I think that was funny. | ||
| And I know I'm funny. | ||
| So fuck you guys. | ||
| I got another eight minutes and I'm done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, the problem with comedy, I've always said, is that it's just called comedy. | ||
| And it's not like you never go to a club to see live music. | ||
| And it says live music, and you don't know if you're going to get a rap band, or if you're going to get fucking Guns N' Roses, or classical music. | ||
| It's very clear. | ||
| You know what you're going to go to. | ||
| When you go to a blues club, you're going to get some blues. | ||
| But when you go to a comedy club, man, you can get anything. | ||
| You can get... | ||
| Maz Javrani, you can get Dane Cook, you can get this guy, you can get that guy. | ||
| Everyone's got a different taste and some people might love Judah Freelander and some people might hate him and love Tracy Morgan. | ||
| It's all so subjective, man. | ||
| You gotta find your audience. | ||
| But one of the beautiful things about showing up places where it's not your audience, just showing up on some random night at a At the improv is that you can't stack the deck. | ||
| So you have to make some people laugh that don't even fucking know you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't know your shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'm sure now you must get these huge crowds of people who know Maz Jobrani so they come out to see you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But I think every now and then you got to go in front of some shit. | ||
| I love... | ||
| Actually, I love... | ||
| Like, I always say, like, I don't like to be in front of everyone that knows me. | ||
| One reason is you feel like, okay, they might have heard a lot of this shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even if it's new, now with the internet, it's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Yep. | ||
| And secondly, I love... | ||
| I just love... | ||
| Like, for example, one thing that happens with my audience is like... | ||
| What happened was... | ||
| When we first did the Acts of the Evil comedy tour... | ||
| Came out on Comedy Central... | ||
| And a lot of young, like, Middle Easterners started following us. | ||
| But then they started bringing their parents... | ||
| Growing up in the Middle Eastern community, you don't go too blue. | ||
| You've got to be nice and polite. | ||
| You can get a little edgy, but don't cuss. | ||
| There's a whole thing. | ||
| For the longest time with my mom, it was instilled in me, don't cuss. | ||
| Definitely not around. | ||
| You know, Persians, you're not going to cuss. | ||
| How much do you cuss on stage ever? | ||
| I don't cuss much. | ||
| I cuss a little bit, but I actually, what's funny is, I like now what I do is, if I make a reference to something, like there's a joke I do where I mention masturbation. | ||
| I actually make fun of, that's why I love having a mixed audience, because I'll look at the white guy in the audience, I go, hey Mike, right now, There's a table of Persians going, Oh my God, he said masturbation! | ||
| You know, I brought my mother. | ||
| She doesn't speak English. | ||
| Now I have to translate masturbation into Farsi. | ||
| So I riff on what they're thinking. | ||
| And inevitably, there's always like this one table that's dying of laughter. | ||
| And I've had people come up after the show and be like, Dude, I was here with my mom when you were saying that shit. | ||
| It was totally true. | ||
| And the mother's totally cool with it. | ||
| I had this recently at the Tampa Improv. | ||
| I was doing it. | ||
| And there was literally this old, very like... | ||
| Distinguished, sweet, older lady that was the mother of this other lady. | ||
| So the other lady was like my mom's age. | ||
| The mother was like a grandmother's age. | ||
| And I said masturbation. | ||
| I did the riff. | ||
| And the funny part of the whole thing was, as I was doing the riff, the mother was leaning into the grandmother, translating everything. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, it's actually happening. | ||
| And the crowd loved it because I was making fun of it, but it was actually happening. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Where do you like performing the best? | ||
| I still love the original room just for creativity purposes. | ||
| And then what Jamie did with that Tuesday night thing. | ||
| We all love killing in front of our audiences. | ||
| Some of the cities I love, DC is one of my favorite cities. | ||
| First of all, one of the things I love about DC, it's very international. | ||
| Secondly, everyone in DC is doing shit. | ||
| Whenever I spend a couple days in D.C., you meet people like, hey, where do you work? | ||
| He's like, I work at state. | ||
| Oh, what's the state department? | ||
| Oh, okay, cool. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I work at the agency. | ||
| Agency? | ||
| CIA? People are actually doing, and I would say when I went there. | ||
| Creepy. | ||
| No, it was a trip. | ||
| I would hate that. | ||
| Dude, It's awesome. | ||
| It's the craziest thing. | ||
| I was there recently. | ||
| I was like, what's great about you guys is if I'm in LA, I'd be like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm working on a movie about a spy who goes to South America to overthrow the government. | ||
| I go, when you come to DC, you go, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm a spy who's going to go to South America to overthrow. | ||
| You meet people that are doing shit. | ||
| I remember one time, actually I had a moment, I remember I was there, it was right at the time, right in the heart of the Bush administration. | ||
| I remember Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, remember him? | ||
| He was the first guy. | ||
| And you see him on TV, and he's a talking head, he's an older dude. | ||
| I was outside this fancy restaurant in D.C., and he's sitting there talking to this attractive young girl, kind of like you could tell his body language was all flirty, you know? | ||
| And he was a big dude, too. | ||
| And I was like, this guy's just trying to get pussy like everyone else. | ||
| I was like, he's the head of Homeland Security. | ||
| He's probably like, hey, you want to see the tear alert go to orange? | ||
| Come here, baby. | ||
| You want to see the red button? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But you see those kinds of guys when you're out there. | ||
| As opposed to LA. As opposed to anywhere. | ||
| You don't see that. | ||
| Do you need to live out here still? | ||
| Because you're doing most of your work is on the road, right? | ||
| Yeah, most of my work is on the road. | ||
| Listen, I love LA in that my family's here, a lot of my friends are here, and weather-wise, you know how it is. | ||
| When you travel around the world, you come back. | ||
| I was in Norway, and you land at negative three with a windshield factor. | ||
| It's negative 15, or even Chicago, which is a great city. | ||
| But in December, it's a motherfucker. | ||
| I'm like, what is wrong with you? | ||
| And the beauty of LA, I always say the great thing about LA is it's so close to so many great places. | ||
| I grew up in the Bay Area, so I love going up to the Bay. | ||
| You go to Santa Barbara, you go to Vegas, you go to San Diego. | ||
| Everything's close by. | ||
| Yeah, LA's an amazing city. | ||
| It's just overpopulated. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| If we didn't live in LA though, it'd probably be so much more enticing. | ||
| I always say that when I'm driving around. | ||
| God, if I didn't live here, I'd probably appreciate this more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd probably be like, wow, what an incredible place. | ||
| I should live in LA. There's a great amount of shitheads in this city, but it's just because of the numbers. | ||
| The numbers are so high. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Whenever I go to New York, I love New York in terms of it's like a playground for adults. | ||
| You just jump in a cab, you go to the next restaurant, you go to the next club, you go all night. | ||
| I wouldn't want to live there. | ||
| I'd always thought I wanted to live there, and then I did two projects out there where I was there for four months at a time. | ||
| And it was like, I got an apartment at the corner of Houston 6th, which is like the heart of the village. | ||
| I was like, this is the best place. | ||
| Dude, from 7am till 3am every day, it was like noise outside. | ||
| It was just so like cars honking and construction. | ||
| And I was like, you know, New York I think is good if you're in your 20s and you got your buddies and you're all making some money. | ||
| And you just want to run around. | ||
| I guess the ratio of women to men is like, I don't know, it's like 55 to 45 or something. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A lot more women than men and there's a lot of models walking around New York. | ||
| It's the same, son. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Yes, son. | ||
| If I had like Boku, Howard Stern type cash flow, I would be into living in Manhattan with some sort of apartment that overlooks Central Park or something like that. | ||
| If you've got Madonna money and you can get one of those crazy $20 million apartments. | ||
| Because I've seen some online. | ||
| Some people put some up on my message board as well. | ||
| And there was one that had a corner building. | ||
| It was a corner apartment with insane views of the city. | ||
| That's some of the most beautiful things. | ||
| When you look at a real cityscape and it's lit at night, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| I just think that the numbers of people when you're in a place like Manhattan... | ||
| All the influence they have over you, all the people around you all the time, I just don't think you can have real peace there. | ||
| I don't think you can relax. | ||
| Well, that's what's crazy is when I was living there on those stints, I remember coming home one weekend and we have a house here and I remember hearing a bird chirping outside. | ||
| I was like, I have not heard a bird chirp. | ||
| Except for your... | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| He brought a bird chirping. | ||
| He's got the alarm, the bird chirper that chirps different noises. | ||
| No, but New York is great to visit and party and stuff. | ||
| It goes back to the weather. | ||
| I've had the craziest experiences in New York where I'm like, oh, it's a sunny day. | ||
| I walk into a meeting. | ||
| I walk out and it's pouring rain. | ||
| I'm like, what the hell happened? | ||
| And it's hot and humid. | ||
| That's most of the world. | ||
| Most of the world has to deal with weather. | ||
| We don't have to deal with weather. | ||
| We just have to deal with the once a decade or two, the world moves. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And shit falls down. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They just sold the Father of the Bride house. | ||
| I don't even remember the movie Father of the Bride, but there's this huge, really nice house. | ||
| Who was in that movie? | ||
| Steve Martin, you know, and he was like the father of the bride. | ||
| And Rick Moran, as I think might have been, or something like that. | ||
| But I just saw that house on some website the other day for sale and I was like, that would be the most ideal house in California because it was actually picked for the movie because of how wholesome and nice it looked. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| Was it in Malibu? | ||
| I want to say it was like in... | ||
| Something like Pasadena or something weird. | ||
| That's the one where Martin Shore plays like a gay wedding director. | ||
| Yeah, gay wedding director. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like a German gay wedding. | ||
| He's actually very funny. | ||
| When I was leaving Kevin Smith's place today, I did his podcast this morning, and when I was leaving his place, they had one of those tours where there's like a bus that doesn't have a top to it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| People are out in the open air, and there's star sightings, and they're driving through the Hollywood Hills pointing out celebrities' houses. | ||
| How fucked is that, man? | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| They show people where you sleep. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird in general. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've done a few tours in my life, even if it's at a museum. | ||
| I get so bored so fast. | ||
| I'm like, I don't need to spend an hour for you to tell me about this painting and the painter. | ||
| I'll just read five minutes and move on, much less sit in the fucking van and be like, oh, Kevin Smith so-and-so lives here. | ||
| I'm like, get me off this fucking bus. | ||
| For some people, man, meeting celebrities is very important. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Very excited about it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You must be fucking huge in the Persian community. | ||
| How big are you? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| The Persian community knows me as a celebrity. | ||
| It's actually funny. | ||
| I was at LAX two days ago and had all these flight problems. | ||
| We're running around from Southwest trying to get to American Airlines and coming back. | ||
| I got the Google alerts. | ||
| If you ever get mentioned in something, it sends you. | ||
| I got the Google alert, and it was like, celebrity spotting. | ||
| I was like, huh? | ||
| I look it up, and it's so funny. | ||
| Somebody was like, Maz Jobrani spotted at LAX. What was even funnier, though, is Justin Bieber has 10,000 celebrity spottings. | ||
| I got two celebrity spottings. | ||
| Hey, I'm working my way slowly. | ||
| Persians that are spotting you. | ||
| Actually, you know what's funny? | ||
| This happened too. | ||
| This was the weird one one time. | ||
| Aaron Cater and I had just done a gig in Jordan of all places. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And we flew back. | ||
| What is that like? | ||
| It was actually really cool. | ||
| The first time we ever did Jordan was, again, with me, Ahmed, and Aaron. | ||
| We went and did the Excess of Evil comedy tour out in the Middle East. | ||
| We did five countries. | ||
| We did like 27 shows, 30 days, all sold out. | ||
| It was like big fish in a small pond. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Are you allowed to talk about anything? | ||
| Well, some countries, like Lebanon, they go talk about whatever you want. | ||
| Because the Lebanese, they're very liberal. | ||
| Beirut, first of all, is one of the most amazing cities in the world. | ||
| You gotta go check it out. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's like, the nightlife is crazy. | ||
| There's no rules or regulations. | ||
| The women are all beautiful. | ||
| The food is delicious. | ||
| And then you've got that bazaar. | ||
| You can go check out the bazaar kind of thing. | ||
| And then you can go out into the mountains. | ||
| I mean, it's just amazing. | ||
| I've had a great time every time I've gone to Beirut. | ||
| And you can swear on stage. | ||
| Swear, do whatever you want. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So that's Beirut. | ||
| Then you've got the other countries where a lot of times the promoters will say, no sex, no religion, no politics. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, well, now I'm stuck. | ||
| They say that right before you go on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the funny thing is when they say no politics, that means no local politics. | ||
| And thank God I don't know much about the local politics. | ||
| And I'm not about to challenge the Sheikh of Dubai with some stupid shit. | ||
| Are you allowed to make fun of America? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| You can make fun of America. | ||
| I can make fun of Iran. | ||
| I used to make fun of the president of Iran. | ||
| They loved it. | ||
| If you make fun of their neighboring country, they're like, that is hilarious. | ||
| I don't like that either. | ||
| They love that. | ||
| How close is the government of Iran to being overthrown? | ||
| That's a tough call, man. | ||
| It's interesting because I love politics anyway, so I read up on it a lot. | ||
| And there's so many different analysts. | ||
| And it's like, what it is in Iran right now, it's over 75, maybe 80 million people. | ||
| And there's a lot of young people, like a majority of young people. | ||
| And they have the internet and they want a modern way of life. | ||
| They want a modern way of life. | ||
| But the problem is, and somebody pointed this out, they were saying when the Iranian revolution happened under the Shah, a lot of the people that were in the leadership position under the Shah had been Western educated. | ||
| And this guy made a good point. | ||
| He goes, so when the revolution happened, they had the money and they're like, screw it, we're out of here. | ||
| They went to France, they went to London, they came to America, lived their life, they're all good. | ||
| The people that are running the country now are not Western-educated. | ||
| They've been part of this revolution, you know, this is 79, and they, you know, so they got nowhere to go. | ||
| And when the Ayatollah took over, that was all U.S.-backed, right? | ||
| Like, there was an issue with the Shah... | ||
| Where the United States was at a disagreement with the Shah, so they backed the Ayatollah and got him into position. | ||
| Listen, there's conspiracy theories in the sort. | ||
| But I think, I mean, a big part of it, you could go back and trace it to actually a movement happening that was an internal movement. | ||
| Because what happened was the Shah, okay, the Shah westernized the country a lot. | ||
| And had a lot of progress for the country. | ||
| Nonetheless, under the Shah, as under any dictator in the Middle East, there was still a lot of people being persecuted. | ||
| Opposition was frowned upon. | ||
| And you had different parties. | ||
| You had the monarchists. | ||
| Then you had the nationalists. | ||
| Then you had the socialists. | ||
| Then you had the communists. | ||
| Then you had the religious, the Islamists. | ||
| So you had all these different parties. | ||
| And anytime anyone would say anything or criticize the Shah... | ||
| Some dude would disappear. | ||
| There was the Savak, which was the secret police. | ||
| So there's all kinds of intellectuals that would criticize him and disappear. | ||
| And so there was that going on. | ||
| And so eventually what happened, Khomeini's history goes that he was actually exiled. | ||
| I like how you said that, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Khomeini. | |
| Khomeini, yeah. | ||
| Khomeini. | ||
| That shit was legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm trying to get my son to learn Farsi. | ||
| It's the funniest thing seeing this kid. | ||
| He's got like an American accent already. | ||
| And he's three, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's three. | ||
| He'd be like, Khomeini. | ||
| He fucks it up. | ||
| Anyway, so Khomeini had been exiled to Iraq. | ||
| And he was getting, back then, it was kind of like the Twitter of today. | ||
| He would sneak his sermons back into Iran with tape cassettes. | ||
| So all these other religious guys, there's a city named Qom, which is a religious city in Iran. | ||
| They were all getting his sermons, and he was criticizing the Shah from outside of Iran. | ||
| You can do that from outside, but you can't do it from inside. | ||
| So he was doing it from outside, and basically what happened was... | ||
| There was all these different oppositions to the Shah and discontent was growing and protests were growing and so these guys all kind of banded together and what they would do is it was very similar to the protests that were happening during the Green Movement in 2009 where people would be out protesting and then the government would shoot into the crowds and kill some people. | ||
| And in the Muslim Shiite religion, like once someone's killed, like something like seven days after something, there's like a mourning day. | ||
| So they all go out and they mourn. | ||
| So these guys would be mourning and the Shah's police would show up and shoot some more. | ||
| And it just grew and grew and grew. | ||
| So the protests were originally like... | ||
| One faction, but then it became more factions. | ||
| And then you got to a point where you had lawyers and doctors protesting in the streets of Iran, people that should be supporting the regime. | ||
| And then you had the bazaaries. | ||
| The bazaar is the economy. | ||
| These guys shut down the economy. | ||
| The oil company went on strike. | ||
| So all this shit came together. | ||
| And then it caused for the revolution to happen. | ||
| And I have a friend of mine who was young back then. | ||
| He said what was interesting. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| When the Shah left, he goes, for the first few days in Iran, it was total euphoria because everyone was like, we got rid of America. | ||
| We got rid of this influence. | ||
| And he goes, what was weird, though, was because for the protests, all these factions were working together. | ||
| He goes, now... | ||
| One guy would be like, hey, we did it, brother. | ||
| And the other guy would be like, yeah, we did do it, comrade. | ||
| He'd be like, wait a minute. | ||
| Brother, he's an Islamist comrade. | ||
| I'm a communist. | ||
| And then they would start turning on each other. | ||
| And then the shit started turning. | ||
| And then the Islamists took over. | ||
| And now we're in the shit we're in. | ||
| But all that stuff, by the way, and a lot of people have talked about this, a lot of this stuff did happen, like in 53, there was a democratically elected government, the guy was named Mossadegh, and the U.S., actually the CIA has written their story of how they did a coup d'etat of the democratically elected leader in Iran. | ||
| They overthrew him and put the Shah in. | ||
| And so whenever any American, whenever we talk about wars and stuff, and they're like, we're just trying to bring democracy, I'm like, motherfucker, there was democracy. | ||
| And we overthrew it. | ||
| You've got to read your history, you know? | ||
| It's a fascinating time that we live in when people talk about going to war with Iran, too. | ||
| You know, when they're talking about disarming them, if they continue with their nuclear program. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Strange times, you know? | ||
| Yeah, well, Israel is like, I mean, they say, like, if these guys... | ||
| I mean, and the Israelis did that to the Iraqi, to one of the Iraqi facilities back in the day, where they infiltrated and they bombed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I guess... | ||
| Have you ever listened to George Galloway speak? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've heard his name. | ||
| He's a British MP. You've got to listen. | ||
| The guy's really... | ||
| He's actually very well educated, and he makes some good arguments, and it's almost like... | ||
| It's funny how he... | ||
| I've seen him get in debates with TV commentators on Sky TV. He just annihilates them. | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| George Galloway. | ||
| There was... | ||
| So he was talking about... | ||
| I think it was him that was talking about... | ||
| Somebody came on. | ||
| He was talking about this whole... | ||
| Possibly doing strategic bombings. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Surgical bombings? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| Iran is a... | ||
| Some of these cities are densely populated cities. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Some of these... | ||
| Facilities are in bunkers that are miles down underneath the ground. | ||
| And he's like, how are you going to do strategic, surgical bombing? | ||
| You have to drop a nuclear bomb on the thing to blow it up. | ||
| So he's like, you're out of your mind. | ||
| But you should check out George Galloway. | ||
| He did a thing where... | ||
| It was around the time when Israel and the Lebanese were fighting a few years ago. | ||
| And this one girl, it was funny, from Sky News, they get these pretty commentators. | ||
| So she's like, here to defend the Lebanese, the Hezbollah's point of view, George Galloway. | ||
| And the guy rips into her. | ||
| He's like, first of all, he's like, You know, your introduction of me was very biased from the da-da-da-da. | ||
| Of course, I would expect it. | ||
| Sky News, owned by Rupert Murdoch. | ||
| He just goes, just cuts into it. | ||
| And then he's like, secondly, you need to know your history. | ||
| He's like, they've been fighting for da-da-da. | ||
| And he just goes into it. | ||
| And you see this, like, blonde girl, like, but could you answer the question? | ||
| Is he an Irish guy? | ||
| I think he's Irish. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I have heard this guy before. | ||
| The dude is like, when he comes to arguing, he's a pretty bad motherfucker when it comes to arguing. | ||
| Well, I'll check out some of his stuff on. | ||
| I'm fascinated by the Middle East, especially right now, because we're at such a strange time. | ||
| With the internet, they're using Facebook to organize and basically overthrow government after government. | ||
| They keep toppling one after the other. | ||
| I'm curious as to what we're actually seeing. | ||
| The problem is, it's funny, because if you talk to a lot of Iranians, we always say, for example, what happened in Egypt. | ||
| It was a positive step in the right direction, but the question is, Talk to me six months from now. | ||
| Talk to me a year from now. | ||
| Will the people that are alive today even benefit from it? | ||
| Or will it make their life shittier and then the next generation benefits? | ||
| The world's in a fucking turmoil right now. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I don't understand economics. | ||
| When people start talking about economic meltdowns, to me, the way I look at it, I go, at the end of the day, there's the same amount of shit and there's the same amount of people. | ||
| So what the fuck went wrong? | ||
| We were living like kings just a couple years ago, and now everybody's fucking in the shitter. | ||
| Because of what? | ||
| Because of an inflated economy? | ||
| What? | ||
| Part of the things that I'm starting to see that makes some sense to me, because you're right, I a lot of times get lost in it all too, but some of the things that start making sense is when they start talking about the difference between the haves and the have-nots, and how back in the day a CEO average would make 20 times more than a... | ||
| Than the worker. | ||
| Now that some of these CEOs are making like 350 times more than the average worker. | ||
| So you start going, okay, I see. | ||
| Like right now they're saying that a lot of these banks have made their, like, they weren't affected by the economic crunch because we bailed them out and now a lot of these bankers are making a lot more money and yet the economy is supposedly still bad and people that had mortgages that were, you know, belly up are still belly up. | ||
| Money in and of itself is so strange to me. | ||
| The idea that it's based on nothing but confidence now. | ||
| It's not gold-backed. | ||
| It's so hard to pay attention to everything. | ||
| There's just too much shit going on in the world. | ||
| There's too many goddamn experiments going on. | ||
| There's too many new science inventions that I have to look at every day. | ||
| There's some new one they invented where they installed some microchip into a rat's brain and the rat recovered lost memories. | ||
| And they're thinking they're going to eventually be able to do this to people. | ||
| There's just so much fucking shit going on. | ||
| I can't pay attention to everything. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it is. | ||
| It's pretty overwhelming sometimes. | ||
| It's a crazy world we live in. | ||
| And we got a tweet in the middle of all that. | ||
| You got a tweet. | ||
| Dude, what is your Twitter page? | ||
| It's at Maz Jobrani. | ||
| At Maz Jobrani. | ||
| Yeah, I just kind of got going on. | ||
| I got you here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, so please follow him. | ||
| M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I. Where are you at soon? | ||
| Well, people can go to the website. | ||
| Or actually, we're doing our own podcast now. | ||
| What's your website? | ||
| Mazjobrani.com. | ||
| Mazjobrani.com. | ||
| And people can go to minivanmen.com. | ||
| And that's you, Al Madrigal, and Chris Spencer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds awesome. | ||
| And where can people see you do stand-up? | ||
| Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, Improv. | ||
| Just go to mazjobrani.com. | ||
| You can find information. | ||
| mazjobrani.com. | ||
| I will be at the Carnegie Music Hall of Pittsburgh on this Saturday, the 25th, with Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| And then next... | ||
| Friday, the 1st of July, we're going to be at the Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| That's a full Death Squad show. | ||
| Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, me, and Doug Benson's going to stop by and do a guest spot, and Brian's going to be there, and you can hug him. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of people in town that weekend, because also Sam's having a naughty show that weekend for three days straight. | ||
| Yeah, in Vegas. | ||
| That's this really cool strip club, and he's doing it, I think, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Jenna Hayes. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Well, we'll help him promote that as well. | ||
| And yeah, so we'll see you in Vegas, you dirty bitches. | ||
| And so that's it. | ||
| Pittsburgh on Saturday the 25th. | ||
| And some tickets are still available, but they're going quick. | ||
| Information is JoeRogan.net. | ||
| You can find everything. | ||
| And we'll be back tomorrow with Russell Peters. | ||
| And thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| And thank you very much to The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save money. | ||
| 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| You can shoot some loads in the bed if you like. | ||
| Maz, Joe Brawny, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thanks for having me, man. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| A pleasure having you on, my brother. | ||
| It was very good to catch up with you and see you again. | ||
| And thank you, everybody, and we'll see you all tomorrow. |
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