May 31, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:15:30
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Yep. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link that says flushlight and enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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And with that said, it's so nice to be back. | |
| Buckle up, bitches. | ||
| Mad flavors on this. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, we have returned back from the depths from the silence of two weeks. | ||
| Two weeks? | ||
| Two plus weeks? | ||
| Yeah, it's been a fucking long time. | ||
| Even I was missing it. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| I was missing doing it. | ||
| I was missing it. | ||
| And I appreciate all the emails and everything. | ||
| I had to do a movie, and it took off all my time. | ||
| There was no time to do it. | ||
| And I was going to half-ass a podcast on the set with some people, but I got sick. | ||
| Tommy Segora fucked me up, man. | ||
| Fucked me up, too. | ||
| Tom Segura is one of those dudes that's always sick. | ||
| He gets sick like four times a year. | ||
| Like, you know, that's a lot, you know, three, four times a year, he said. | ||
| And we did Cobs, and he showed up first day sick as shit. | ||
| And I'm like, you okay? | ||
| Like, you okay? | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think I'm going to be okay. | ||
| I just, you know, just get some rest tonight. | ||
| And meanwhile, he had the flu. | ||
| All right. | ||
| He had the flu and he gave it to all of us. | ||
| He just, you know, didn't know he had the flu. | ||
| He just thought he was going to gut it out. | ||
| And I was okay on Thursday, but then Friday night, I started feeling like shit. | ||
| And then Saturday, I took, you know, Acimetamphenophenin. | ||
| Was that stuff? | ||
| Acimetophenamin. | ||
| And then a really long name that's from a different country. | ||
| I took that shit and, you know, it dried my nose up enough so I could perform, but I was clearly like a little cloudy. | ||
| You know, I was like, I was feeling it come on. | ||
| And then I had to fly all the way to fucking Boston. | ||
| And it's just something about those tubes filled with other people's air. | ||
| That is like the worst thing for your immune system. | ||
| If you've got like a kink in your immune system and then you get on a plane, whoa, do you get jacked. | ||
| I landed in Boston. | ||
| I had the shakes. | ||
| I was like sweating in bed and then I wake up freezing. | ||
| Like all of it just swamped with me. | ||
| What are you telling me? | ||
| Now I'm going to be sick today. | ||
| Don't make out with Tom Segura. | ||
| I've been healthy now for like a whole week. | ||
| Yeah, but you still got the bug in your body. | ||
| What the fuck do you know? | ||
| I got shit to do this with you. | ||
| Well, as long as we're not making out or sharing a microphone. | ||
| There ain't nobody going to fucking swap spit here, but it's in the air. | ||
| You know these microbes are swaps. | ||
| We just shared a joint. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| I'm fucking done. | ||
| I got to go home and fucking open up all those vitamin C packs and eat like 18 of them tonight. | ||
| And I got to fuck. | ||
| I don't think I'm contagious. | ||
| The doctor told me I'm not contagious once your fever breaks. | ||
| He says you're not contagious. | ||
| My girlfriend got fucked. | ||
| I thought. | ||
| That's right, though. | ||
| I got a little bit of it, but my girlfriend is dead. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it skipped over me. | ||
| You got to be careful. | ||
| When you pull all-nighters and do stupid shit, and this is when you realize it. | ||
| Like, when I got it, I was playing pool in San Francisco because Thursday night we did a show, and then I went out and played pool late, late till like 6, 6.30 in the morning, and then drove in. | ||
| I was exhausted, and I just jacked my immune system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the next day, I had it. | ||
| Plus the night before, plus your chi was down from the fucking flying. | ||
| The chi is down. | ||
| That's when the fucking flu goes right through your ears. | ||
| And boom, once it grabs you, you're look, it grabbed you, bro. | ||
| That's a strong flu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What you're telling me is by the time you got on the plane, you were already getting the chills and shit. | ||
| That's a strong-ass fucking flu. | ||
| What is it going on in the plane? | ||
| Is it just the recycled air? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's just terrible for you. | ||
| It's the altitude. | ||
| Is that terrible for you too? | ||
| Is that what fucks you up? | ||
| And my altitude? | ||
| I heard, Cece, we've talked about, I think this before, but I heard that the recycled air in the plane is actually really good. | ||
| Like there's a really good air system. | ||
| Did you hear that from Ann Coulter? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They did like a dateline thing about it, and I think they actually talked to the people that designed the air systems and planes, and they said that, no, they're really good. | ||
| They're filtered really well. | ||
| So what's the problem? | ||
| I think it has to be an altitude. | ||
| It's just the flu marinated in you, bro. | ||
| The flu marinated in the flu. | ||
| And listen, you know, we've been getting flus once a year with kids. | ||
| We're over 40 years old. | ||
| I haven't gotten one in a couple of years. | ||
| I've been real good about it. | ||
| The flu gets stronger. | ||
| These strains, isn't that what they call it? | ||
| A flu are fucking getting stronger. | ||
| Did you know that they all come from farm animals? | ||
| Supposedly, yes. | ||
| Almost all of them. | ||
| Almost all of them come from domesticated animals. | ||
| They come from pigs and chickens and birds. | ||
| And, you know, that's why when they said it's the bird flu, and I was like, holy shit, the bird flu. | ||
| Well, they're kind of all bird flus. | ||
| Or pig flus, a swine flu. | ||
| They're fucking livestock diseases a lot of times. | ||
| You know, we were probably making these fucking things by forcing all these animals to live in shit and be on top of each other. | ||
| That's probably where these things come from. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| But when you start telling me that a lot of flus are livestock diseases and you know what the fuck we do to livestock, there's got to be some sort of a connection. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You know, the livestock industry should be responsible for all those deaths if that could be proven. | ||
| What if it's possible to prove that they're the reason why the flu exists? | ||
| But then again, you need pork jobs. | ||
| So what the fuck? | ||
| Did you see the pyramid shit where they took a robot through that? | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| Yeah, they saw some writing that had been unseen for at least 4,000 years, I think. | ||
| Yeah, what is it? | ||
| It was like red. | ||
| I was trying to figure it out. | ||
| I couldn't even see by those pictures. | ||
| I was in Boston, and while I was there, when I started feeling better, I went to the museum and went to the Museum of Fine Arts, and they had all this Egyptian art. | ||
| And it was all like ancient, ancient shit, like 2000 BC, you know, all the way up to like Cleopatra's era, which is like the later eras. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating stuff, man. | ||
| You know, when you really get into Egypt, how weird they are in comparison to us, like when you just look at like what they did, they had this like super advanced culture that was completely different than ours. | ||
| Like so completely different that their writings was all image-based. | ||
| Instead of like having letters, they had like images that represent symbols. | ||
| And so all their writing is their conceptual, like the way they looked at the world was completely different than the way we look at it. | ||
| The way we look at things with our writing and our language and our Western interpretation of morals and values and what's important and what's not important. | ||
| This is just something we sort of settled on. | ||
| And what you see with the ancient Egyptians is, well, here was this really advanced culture that was capable of these incredible architectural masterpieces that we are puzzled by today. | ||
| Like they'll tell you that they know how they built the pyramids. | ||
| Oh, we figured it out. | ||
| It is such a staggering accomplishment that these people, 2,500 BC, built these immense, perfect stone structures. | ||
| I mean, they're fucking big. | ||
| 2,300,000 stones that weigh between 2 and 80 tons, and some of them were cut from a quarry that was 500 fucking miles away. | ||
| I mean, these people were bad, bad motherfuckers. | ||
| They were doing some shit that none of us in this room could ever fucking figure out. | ||
| It was complex mathematics, too, because you had to have every stone cut perfectly by the time you got to the top, because any little room for error, your shit would be cockeyed. | ||
| You're 2,300,000 stones in the Great Pyramid. | ||
| Think about how perfect you have to be the entire way and adjust all the way. | ||
| And it's not like those stones are like this small on one side and huge on the other and it's all, they tried to bounce it out at the end. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| The shit is perfect. | ||
| And 2,500,000 years ago. | ||
| And it used to be, we look at it now, it's all fucked up and crumply. | ||
| That's because they raided it. | ||
| It was covered in smooth limestone. | ||
| They must have been so fucking beautiful. | ||
| But when they built Cairo, they stole all the limestone from the pyramids. | ||
| Those little ape monkey people just chipped away at what their great, great ancestors had created. | ||
| You know, these people that are living today on their fucking stupid cars and all the ridiculous way that we look at the world. | ||
|
unidentified
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These crazy fucking people, they didn't have electricity. | |
| They didn't have any of this shit. | ||
| No drills, no drills, nothing. | ||
| Copper tombs. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| All they can prove. | ||
| No Twitter. | ||
| You don't see them fucking crying. | ||
| Going to therapy. | ||
| Drinking five-hour fucking energy like us. | ||
| Is there any fucking almost, think about that? | ||
| Is there anything that makes you respect a dude less than when he gets into a Twitter world with his girlfriend online? | ||
| Oh, that's the worst. | ||
| I don't even know the word. | ||
| Have you seen one recently? | ||
| God, I've seen a ton of them. | ||
| I've seen people arguing with their spouses on Twitter. | ||
| Janet James and TORTs do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do like public, like really public, important shit. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Get arrested for fucking Twitter. | ||
| Let me ask you something. | ||
| I guess they do it, but that's like a publicity thing maybe because maybe they're savvy. | ||
| Maybe they're celebrity savvy. | ||
| You know, they had to keep their name out there. | ||
| I mean, you could come up with a rationale for a famous person doing it. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| If you're one of those famous people that wants to be on a reality show, you know, I can understand. | ||
| But I know dudes who are regular dudes who are having like Twitter wars with their girlfriend online where the girlfriend will say, it would be amazing if I had a man in my life that actually cared about what I think. | ||
| And then, you know, the guy will come back on. | ||
| It would be amazing. | ||
| You think those Egyptians were doing that shit? | ||
| No, of course. | ||
| Swittering that girl, they'd be smacking, getting their dick sucked, carrying rocks all fucking day, like savages. | ||
| Can you ask you something? | ||
| Cleopatra, she invented shining up the lips to remind you that she sucked cock. | ||
| Think how deep these fucking motherfuckers are. | ||
| But you know what's going on, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Let me tell you, you said something that was very interesting. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| We're really part of the AD society. | ||
| What is it going to take? | ||
| What are people going to talk about us like there was BC, there was AD? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Then what's going to happen? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What are we put us in? | ||
| Maybe it's post-nuclear. | ||
| Maybe it's post-nuclear. | ||
| It's got to be post-nuclear. | ||
| I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| How interesting is that that someday we're going to be what BC is to us? | ||
| Post-nuclear makes sense. | ||
| That they would one day. | ||
| PN? | ||
| Yeah, I would think that makes sense. | ||
| That one day they would just say, you know, what changed everything. | ||
| Are you a PN or an AD? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I don't know, dog. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| I got to check. | ||
| Yeah, what do you want to be? | ||
| How do you want to be defined? | ||
| How fucking crazy is that that someday we're going to be part of AD? | ||
| It's going to be something like that. | ||
| And, you know, I mean, the same way, BC. | ||
| I can't even imagine thinking about BC. | ||
| When I think of BC, I think of people with sandals, with beards, you know, smoking fucking trees. | ||
| Does AD stand for after death? | ||
| After Christ died? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think it's actually a term for something that it's been sort of accepted along the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm fucked up already. | ||
| Henry Winkler twittered me. | ||
| Did you work with him on the movie? | ||
| That was so amazing. | ||
| I was like, whoa, Henry Winkler. | ||
| And then I went to his page. | ||
| He's like only following 50 people and one was me. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He said something about bad flavor lately. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Henry Winkler. | ||
| Well, all those guys on the set have heard the podcast. | ||
| And it's, you know, guys who know you guys. | ||
| Who often? | ||
| Fucking fond. | ||
| Henry Winkler is cool as fuck. | ||
| Cool as fuck. | ||
| He loves fly fishing. | ||
| We were talking about fly fishing. | ||
| Someone took him fly fishing, I think, in the late 80s or early 90s, and he wrote a book called I Never Met an Idiot on the River, all about the cool people that he met fly fishing. | ||
| And he has all these photos in the books of places he's gone fly fishing. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| Fly fishing is fun as fuck, man. | ||
| When I was living in Boulder, there was a company that would take you out, and I was totally down to go. | ||
| I just never had the time before we had to move back. | ||
| But this dude, it was one of those guys that would like make his own flies and shit. | ||
| They have like a station where they sell like feathers and little things. | ||
| And that's like that type of fishing is a completely different type of fishing. | ||
| You know, it's like there's an art form to it. | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| Like the art of casting a fly rod, it's very difficult. | ||
| It's not like you can't be drunk and fucked up and yelling with your buddies to just dunk a line in. | ||
| So like some of those guys get a little elitist. | ||
| Some of those fly fisher guys, they want to pretend that there's something. | ||
| But there is something that's a little more intimate about it. | ||
| Like you make your own little lure. | ||
| You make your own little fake bug. | ||
| You know, and they have all these different instructional videotapes on how to make lures. | ||
| You can find them online and dudes are like fashioning mayflies out of little feathers and shit. | ||
| And there's something crafty about that. | ||
| You cast it out and catch a big ass. | ||
| Ready Lockhart does. | ||
| He's into all that. | ||
| He just went fishing the other day at Echo Park or something like that. | ||
| I didn't catch anything, but it's like, that's crazy. | ||
| Fishing at Echo Park, really? | ||
| Silverlake. | ||
| It's so therapeutic in a way. | ||
| What can you catch in Silverlake? | ||
| STD of some sort. | ||
| Or in a river or whatever the fuck. | ||
| It's got to be so therapeutic for those people. | ||
| I just don't think I have the patience. | ||
| I've done it a thousand times. | ||
| Fishing relaxes. | ||
| It's so awesome when you're catching fish. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When you're not catching fish, it can be such a drag. | ||
| I've been on fishing trips where it's like two days of nothing. | ||
| You know, you go with a buddy and then by the time the second day rolls around, you still haven't caught shit. | ||
| But if you go to some place like where like salmon are fucking running, you know, you go to Oregon where the salmon are running, like, bro, you're going to catch some fish. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I caught fish. | ||
|
unidentified
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Salmon everywhere. | |
| Have you really? | ||
| What'd you catch? | ||
| Astoria. | ||
| What'd you catch? | ||
| Caught a couple fucking salmons and some white things. | ||
| Our boy Gerald, Eddie's black belt, Gerald's treatment, he loves. | ||
| He lives up in Oregon. | ||
| He goes fishing all the time. | ||
| Mike Pyle was telling us about it too. | ||
| Mike Pyle, when we were in Portland, he offered to take us out on his dad's boat, but we couldn't stay an extra day. | ||
| But yeah, Portland's supposed to have some awesome salmon. | ||
| awesome thing. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I just wish, you know, sometimes you watch Deadliest Cats. | ||
| That's a little much. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's a little much. | ||
| Those poor motherfuckers, crab is not worth that much. | ||
|
unidentified
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Damn. | |
| It's not that good. | ||
| I mean, it's okay. | ||
| But I guess for them, though, look, it's worth a fuckload of money and it's out there. | ||
| They go out six weeks, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A two months, you come back with 60 grand. | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| That's some real money. | ||
| And they go out three times a year, twice a year, you know. | ||
| That's real money. | ||
| But God, you're dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You lose your life. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Guys fall in that water, man. | ||
| And that's no joke. | ||
| That water, first of all, that water is so fucking cold that you only have a couple minutes to live. | ||
| Like, you won't live if you're in the water for more than a few minutes. | ||
| It's just too fucking cold. | ||
| You're just not going to make it. | ||
| Your body is going to, you're in Alaska, motherfucker. | ||
| You're in the ocean in Alaska. | ||
| You got to swim in fucking Seattle. | ||
| Listen, let's be honest. | ||
| Let's be as honest as we can. | ||
| Nobody in this room could tell me, look at my face and go, I jumped into San Diego and it was warm. | ||
| It's never fucking warm. | ||
| No, just never watching. | ||
| And it's never been warm. | ||
| Now, I swam in Oregon like a fucking mook in Astoria because Tribble used to have a room. | ||
| But one time I had a jump. | ||
| Tribble is a booking agent. | ||
| But one time I jumped into the ocean because the cops were actually looking for me in Seattle off of fucking Alkai Beach right there. | ||
| Me and Charles. | ||
| Into the ocean. | ||
| Involved with that fucking stripper. | ||
| We used to beat each other up once a fucking week and the cops would come. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I stab her. | ||
| She hit me in the head with a chair. | ||
| So one night I went over there on the ecstasy. | ||
| I never forget this. | ||
| I ate a piece of ecstasy with Josh Wolf. | ||
| This is 1995. | ||
| I go over there. | ||
| I start fucking with the lady next door and knew if I came over to call the cops. | ||
| So here I am banging and the cops are knocking on the door. | ||
| And I had a kind of a belly. | ||
| I went under the bed. | ||
| The cops are looking. | ||
| They look under the bed and the bed's going up and down from fucking. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Come on, Red Dead. | ||
| This is your breathing after you. | ||
| Yeah, and they arrested me with no shirt on. | ||
| So I put the fucking handcuffs on. | ||
| I'm on the bus waiting to go to fucking Seattle jail. | ||
| They take me to Seattle jail. | ||
| Something like at four o'clock. | ||
| The ecstasy that I ate at nine in the morning started hitting me in the fucking Seattle jail. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| While I was hiding, another time I went over there and I tried to sneak around. | ||
| They called the cops on me. | ||
| I actually jumped into the fucking ocean. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, that water is hypo. | ||
| That's what they should call that beach, hypothermia. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| And I used to see people out there playing soccer in the water, like, you know, playing with a soccer ball out there. | ||
|
unidentified
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What is that? | |
| Volleyball. | ||
| Oh, they're so crazy. | ||
| Not even penguins do that shit. | ||
| That ocean is the, and I've said it before on this show that out there there's a place called Bremerton, Washington. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's where the Navy has all their elite shit. | |
| Before the Navy even makes a move, Bremerton, Washington gets the call. | ||
| That's all the submarines come out because it's the deepest part. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| We had this discussion before. | ||
| It's where they go all the way down. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| They go like, right, it goes like right, drops right off deep under Jakuso and shit. | ||
| So the Russians, the Japs, nobody could trace that shit. | ||
| They go deep from there. | ||
| All those motherfuckers that live in Bremington, nobody gives you their name in Russia. | ||
| Submarines are the biggest mind fucker ever. | ||
| Can you imagine if we were right now in some sort of a metal tube that is under the fucking ocean? | ||
| Like a mile deep. | ||
| How deep do those fucking goes? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| What's the deepest a submarine goes? | ||
| We have to type it up because I don't want to give you a full skill. | ||
| Do you think it would be like if we didn't fly as much? | ||
| We would think the same thing about the flying though. | ||
| You're in a metal tube like way up in the sky in San Francisco. | ||
| I think if we ate a fucking breadstrip, we would die. | ||
| Because once that shit goes into your mind, like, wait a second, do you know that we're in a tube under the water? | ||
| There's a leak. | ||
| What fuck? | ||
| Well, yo, that's what the BART is in San Francisco. | ||
| You know how I found out about it? | ||
| I've talked about this on stage in San Francisco, but it's a true story. | ||
| I was with Fear Factor and we were filming in Oakland and everyone was going to get together, the crew and everybody was going to get together and have dinner in San Francisco. | ||
| And I love those guys. | ||
| They're all fun guys. | ||
| I'm super comfortable with them. | ||
| So I thought it would be way more fun to do this to get fucking barbecued. | ||
| So I eat this fucking cookie in my room and I am on Paluto, dude. | ||
| It's one of those cookies where you start having very mild hallucinations, like trails. | ||
| Like there'll be trails when people are moving. | ||
| You'll see like little bits of light following behind them. | ||
| And I'm starting to see things that aren't there necessarily. | ||
| Like I'll start to see like movement in front of people that doesn't exist. | ||
| I mean, I was fucking gone, man. | ||
| I was like way too high to be out in public. | ||
| I was having like, I was having some sort of a membrane moment where I'm like on the brink of passing through to some other dimension that's like right next to us, but we can't normally access. | ||
| I'm that fucking high. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, I'm way too high. | ||
| And then all of a sudden we're in this BART thing and my ears are popping. | ||
| And so I go, why are my ears popping? | ||
| Why are my ears popping? | ||
| And one of the guy goes, oh, you don't know? | ||
| We're 500 feet on the ocean right now. | ||
| And all I could think of is what a dumb way to die and how scary that would be if that thing just started moving and a leak broke and then the water comes rushing in. | ||
| What a nutty idea to put a fucking tube under the ocean in a place where the ground is famous for moving. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| How long has that been open? | ||
| A long time. | ||
| It's a come on seven thing. | ||
| Come on seven. | ||
| Every time they get to the end, yes. | ||
| It's like the same thing with Japan, man. | ||
| It's the same thing with this nuclear power plant. | ||
| They said it can avoid up to an 8.2. | ||
| I think we're going to be good. | ||
| Well, all of a sudden the nine hits, boom. | ||
| This BART system, what is it good for? | ||
| Is it good for a five? | ||
| Is it good for a seven? | ||
| We're pretty sure it can survive a seven. | ||
| What if it's a nine? | ||
| What if you're in there and it's one of those five-minute jammies where the whole fucking thing is going crazy for five minutes and you are just shit in your pants going, how much can this little flexible metal tube underwater, how long can this last? | ||
| How much can it hold? | ||
| What are the insane pressures it's experiencing every foot of the way as it's anchored down to this moving ground? | ||
| The ocean is moving in a tsunami fashion over it as well because wherever the fuck the epicenter of it, the shelf lifts up and a fucking giant 500 foot wall of water going 50,000 miles an hour is headed to the coast. | ||
| Shit, man. | ||
| I feel the same when I get on a Lincoln Tunnel. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| you know, they say here when you get on the train in LA, they built it a certain way, so it has barriers. | ||
| So even if there is an earthquake, it bounces off the fucking things. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Every morning, I kiss my wife and I say a fucking prayer. | ||
| When you're on an overpass, Jack, or worse, under one. | ||
| We saw those pictures, those pictures from 94, where shit was flattened, where the top level fell and the bottom level. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| And we live here. | ||
| Every morning I get up, I could go, this could be the last motherfucker. | ||
| This could be I think about it every day. | ||
| I go to like, like the grocery store. | ||
| Last night, I was thinking about it when I was, I had a whole thing of groceries in my car. | ||
| And I'm like, all right, if it happened now, at least I have a bunch of groceries. | ||
| Meanwhile, by the way, we're pussies compared to these people that live in like Alabama. | ||
| These people in Joplin, Missouri, where three quarters of the town just disappeared. | ||
| Just disappeared, man. | ||
| They said that the tornado when it touched down was miles wide. | ||
| Do you know how crazy that is? | ||
| Miles wide, Joey. | ||
| So it literally is like a giant eraser on a chalkboard, just erasing giant swaths. | ||
| Tonight's hundreds of feet times nine coming at you. | ||
| We used to have a ton of tornadoes in Ohio. | ||
| That's one thing I don't miss. | ||
| Did you see one? | ||
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about how we got chased once on the way home from an amusement park in a bus. | ||
| There was one chasing our bus, and we were in high school or middle school or something. | ||
| There was one in California, though, the other day, which is remote? | ||
| It was completely rare. | ||
| Sacramento was. | ||
| I remember this, they had one they reported in LA, not in the LA, but LA area, Southern California. | ||
| It was recent, like within the last five, six years or something crazy. | ||
| We've seen it. | ||
| I've seen it on the news. | ||
| They showed it on the face. | ||
| And then it snowed two days ago in Sacramento or three days ago in Sacramento. | ||
| Yeah, I was reading Josh Berkman's Twitter yesterday. | ||
| It was yesterday or last night, maybe. | ||
| Might have been this morning, where he said, I can't believe there's fucking snow in my front yard. | ||
| Like they're getting snow in Utah right now still. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think the government's fucking with our weather system? | ||
| We think all these balloons. | ||
| Something's got to be going on, guys. | ||
| I don't know if that's what's responsible for all this. | ||
| I think it's, but I do know that they're definitely fucking with the weather. | ||
| I don't know if that's responsible. | ||
| Those tornadoes are deadly, guys. | ||
| It's true, but you know, we only have a very limited number of years that we can study a very, very complex system. | ||
| The system of the balance of the ecosystem of the earth, like where it's warm, where it's stormy, that shit moves and changes. | ||
| You know, there's parts of, like, that's one of the big pieces of evidence that they point to a much, much older Egyptian society is that Egypt at one point in time, where the Nile River was, where the Sphinx is, 9,000 years ago, that was a tropical rainforest, like 9,000 BC. | ||
| And there's like all this water erosion on the Sphinx and the Sphinx enclosure. | ||
| And some of the scientists use that as a point to evidence that they need to reconsider the age of the Egyptian culture because this is like a completely different environment this was under initially as opposed to when they found everything, which it was all desert. | ||
| And they were saying like, this is like way, way, way, way, way older than you think it is. | ||
| Like, we don't know. | ||
| We don't really know like the real disasters that happened 20,000, 30,000 years ago. | ||
| Like they just found Atlantis in Spain. | ||
| I was reading about it in Time magazine. | ||
| They're almost positive that they found the actual area where Atlantis was. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| It was in Spain, and it was hit by a fucking giant tsunami 3,000 something BC. | ||
| And that's a wrap. | ||
| The whole thing just changes, you know? | ||
| And that happens for everywhere on the planet. | ||
| So we have such a limited number of years where we're sort of analyzing data as far as changing of the climate of the Earth. | ||
| North America, just 10,000 years ago, a blink of an eye, North America, half of it was under a mile of ice. | ||
| That's just 10,000 years ago, man. | ||
| In terms of the Earth, that ain't shit. | ||
| 10,000 years ago, there was people, just like you and I. Indistinguishable. | ||
| They could be at a movie theater, you wouldn't be able to tell. | ||
| Put them in people's clothes. | ||
| They were the same as us, and yet North America was under a half a mile of ice. | ||
| So there's all sorts of shit that happens that we don't know about. | ||
| We know we have ice core samples, and we know that we've gone through some cooling periods, warming periods. | ||
| But shit, man. | ||
| There's a giant mystery as this whole cycle of the Earth and whether or not human beings are interrupting it with global warming, whether it's man-made or whether it's just a natural cyclical thing. | ||
| You can argue one way or the other, and most scientists believe what we're doing is not good. | ||
| But the bottom line is it changes on its own no matter what. | ||
| It changed for the dinosaurs. | ||
| It changed for everything. | ||
| Not only do we evolve, but the planet evolves. | ||
| In 300 years, we might be on the fucking ice here. | ||
| Probably will be. | ||
| Antarctica will be the hot fucking Rio de Janeiro with the sun and the fucking times and shit. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Yeah, well, they said that the North Pole is moving. | ||
| The pole is moving at some weird rate of like 40 miles a year. | ||
| It's going to take a long time. | ||
| 40 miles a year. | ||
| But there's some sort of a, I mean, it's a natural system and it constantly moves slowly, slowly in a certain direction. | ||
| But they've had to like recalibrate landings trips in Florida. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because of the fucking moving of the poles. | ||
| Shit is constantly changing, man. | ||
| Like this Japan thing, man, I feel terrible for those people. | ||
| It's terrible that these scientists built this thing and didn't really think it totally through and didn't really know that if you fuck this up, you leave a sun in the middle of the field that's going to burn through the fucking earth and you can never shut it off. | ||
| Don't we have that in the United States also? | ||
| We have it all over. | ||
| Of course, right? | ||
| Because it's not just Japan, it's us. | ||
| We do. | ||
| Gentlemen, this is a warning to the United States. | ||
| And the United States has none who gots about this. | ||
| They're not even seeing this for what this is. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We have the most nuclear plants than anybody in the fucking world right here in the United States. | ||
| And one of these tornadoes, anything. | ||
| We're just getting a warning, which we're fucking, we're not even worrying about. | ||
| But again, the same thing is with climate change. | ||
| We don't have that much data. | ||
| Well, we have way more data on climate change than we do on what happens when you keep a nuclear power plant around. | ||
| We know a few. | ||
| We know Chernobyl. | ||
| We know Three Mile Island. | ||
| And now we know all the shit in Japan. | ||
| But we don't even know exactly how long that thing stays active. | ||
| We don't know how long it takes to cool off. | ||
| We don't know how long exactly it's radioactive. | ||
| There's all these juniors. | ||
| Just that it's there. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| But it's thousands of years, man. | ||
| Everybody agrees on that. | ||
| it's thousands of years. | ||
| So that area is fucked up. | ||
| When you lived in Colorado, did you hear much about Rocky Flats? | ||
| Was it in the paper much? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Rocky Flats is the big place in Colorado, which people have died over. | ||
| Because you know, in Colorado, all you need is a fucking movement in Boulder. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They would walk up to the road and block and light themselves on fire. | ||
| Rocky Flats is, you know, it's a, you know, everybody talks about Golden's cores. | ||
| The other side of fucking that is Rocky Flats. | ||
| If you want to look at it. | ||
| Mean Golden being good for Colorado. | ||
| Golden Cores. | ||
| Cores. | ||
| Golden, you know. | ||
| So everybody's happy. | ||
| Everybody's happy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Core. | ||
| We have jobs. | ||
| Well, next to it is Rocky Flats, which is, you know, why did you put it in this beautiful fucking part of the world? | ||
| What is Rocky Flats? | ||
| Rocky Flats is a nuclear fucking joint. | ||
| I think they is it a power plant? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Double check so I don't stick my foot in my mouth. | ||
| This is the Joe Roman expansion. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| Rocky weapons? | ||
| Rocky Flats. | ||
| Just put Rocky Flats and see what comes. | ||
| It's a strip club. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| Tranny's MN. | ||
| It's a plant, yeah. | ||
| It's a nuclear weapons production facility. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's nice major that's very close there. | ||
| Nuclear weapons. | ||
| They make the fucking Bhagavad Gita right there. | ||
| And that explains the airport. | ||
| I learned more about that stuff living there. | ||
| Isn't that the craziest expression ever? | ||
| Duncan Trussell told us this, that when Oppenheimer, when the first nuclear bomb was detonated, he quoted the ancient Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad Gita. | ||
| He said, I am become God, destroyer of worlds. | ||
| Is that the exact quote? | ||
| I should know exact quote. | ||
| But just the fact that he did that, man, that he quoted this ancient Hindu scripture when he came up with some machine that cuts through the fabric of the fucking universe and makes everything explode and just disappear around it. | ||
| Rocky Flats is a very sore spot in a beautiful part of the fucking country, which is Colorado. | ||
| I mean, granted, there is nothing out there, Joe. | ||
| You pull up with your car and there's guards there with fucking guns and bazookas. | ||
| I am become death, destroyer of worlds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what he said. | |
| That's death. | ||
| Here, pull this up because it's him saying it. | ||
| Just pull up, Oppenheimer, I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. | ||
| Because it's crazy listening to this dude say it. | ||
| Joey, listening to the guys who came in. | ||
| Rocky Flats is near Denver. | ||
| It's operated from 1952 to 1992. | ||
| It was under the control of the United States Atomic Energy Commission. | ||
| Listen, this is Oppenheimer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Few people cried. | |
| Most people were silent. | ||
| I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture of the Bhagavad Gita. | ||
| Vishnu is trying to persuade the prince that he should do his duty. | ||
| And to impress him, takes me in his multi-armed form and says, Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. | ||
| I suppose we all fought that one way or another. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Could you imagine the responsibility that you must feel that you were at least credited as the one man without whom the nuclear bomb might have never been created? | ||
| It just took eight minutes to say, listen, I fucked some shit up, Jack. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta do it. | ||
| Too much drama just to get to the fucking point. | ||
| That when he said, come on, man. | ||
| You don't think that's fascinating? | ||
| That guy's a super duper genius. | ||
| Super duper genius. | ||
| He quotes Hindu scripture, I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. | ||
| Knowing that what he's done was change everything. | ||
| Change everything to the point where you have some device that you can detonate that makes everything around it disappear. | ||
| And they're so much bigger now than they were then. | ||
| He's a fucking monster. | ||
| Like the power that we have, like those Hiroshima ones and the Nagasaki ones, those are okay. | ||
| But we got like way stronger shit now. | ||
| And they're working on shit that's even stronger than that. | ||
| You know, they're working on anti-matter weapons. | ||
| They're working on anti-matter weapons, which would literally like dissolve matter. | ||
| They would literally, whatever the fuck form it takes as a weapon, whether it's a bomb or a beam or it would just everything, it would just destroy everything. | ||
| It would be like thousands of times stronger than we could ever imagine any bomb being today. | ||
| And maybe even more than that. | ||
| Maybe I'm just coming up with numbers. | ||
| But they don't stop. | ||
| They don't stop. | ||
| They don't stop with, they don't stop with nuclear bombs. | ||
| They don't stop with this possibility. | ||
| I mean, if they really can do anti-matter weapons, they're not going to stop with that. | ||
| Whatever the next thing is, it's going to be even more fucked up. | ||
| It just seems like they should stop. | ||
| It should stop. | ||
| I figured out how to target it. | ||
| I figured out how to kill life as it stands today with a press of a fucking button. | ||
| What else is worse? | ||
| I could dissolve you with a fucking gun. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I'm going to blow you the fuck up. | ||
| I'm going to blow you the fuck up. | ||
| Why do you think people continue to push in that direction? | ||
| Is it just that we have this natural tendency to accelerate everything? | ||
| King of the hill. | ||
| You know, we want to be bigger than the next person. | ||
| We want to have, you know, it's ego. | ||
| Yeah, but even in a position where the United States is right now, we're not really threatened by anybody. | ||
| I mean, there's some other countries that have nuclear power and there's other countries that have strong armies, but without a doubt, this is the biggest superpower the world has ever known by a long shot. | ||
| And we continue to come up with newer, crazier shit. | ||
| I mean, I guess you have to stay where you're at. | ||
| You have to, you know, if you're the big bully, you got to always have the biggest stick. | ||
| You have to always be ready. | ||
| Always be ready for those motherfuckers coming up. | ||
| Keep them down. | ||
| Keep our fucking way of life going. | ||
| It's Memorial Day. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Support our troops, boys. | ||
| God bless us. | ||
| But God damn, man, when you really fucking think about it, like, where does it end? | ||
| You know, I mean, I know they thought about this shit when he was saying that. | ||
| When he was saying this, you know, I am become death, destroyer of worlds. | ||
| He was terrified. | ||
| What the fuck had he done? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He knew what he was fucking doing. | ||
| Can you imagine going to Pinkberry? | ||
| He knew what the fuck he was doing. | ||
| Of course he did, Joey. | ||
| It's also one of those things with scientists, man. | ||
| They are scientists because they are inherently incredibly curious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those people. | |
| They're curious and they're fucking geniuses. | ||
| And they want to figure things out. | ||
| And if there is a problem presented to them, you know, it's like, can you develop a nuclear bomb? | ||
| Can I? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Can I? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I think we can. | ||
| I think we can. | ||
| And, you know, it's the natural inclination, whether or not it's used or not, is to create it. | ||
| And you can always justify it by saying, well, we have to create it first because if we don't create it first, then the Nazis will get it. | ||
| And then they'll fuck everybody up. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| And then everybody says, okay, let's make it. | ||
| And it's right. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Look, the world is way better with America running things than if Nazi Germany had taken over in 1947. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Hopefully it's way better now. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But shit, man. | ||
| When does it end? | ||
| When do we figure this out? | ||
| Do you remember when you were a kid in Vietnam ended? | ||
| Do you remember it? | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| about seven, maybe six. | ||
| I was new to this country, so I didn't really Right. | ||
| How long have you been in America? | ||
| Four years. | ||
| Four years? | ||
| So I was just happy to be. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck who we were beating up. | ||
| I was living in San Francisco. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you seen it. | ||
| You know, you've seen the other half of it. | ||
| You've seen the demonstrations. | ||
| I was a little kid, though. | ||
| I didn't understand any of it. | ||
| You know, I saw demonstrations. | ||
| It was just to me like the Gay Pride Parade. | ||
| It was just like, oh, there's a bunch of people doing something I don't understand. | ||
| I was dripping down my mom's leg. | ||
| Were you? | ||
| I've never understood war anymore. | ||
| I've never understood all these lives to get your point across. | ||
| I have a disagreement. | ||
| I never understood. | ||
| Listen, I understand there's going to be disagreements between countries. | ||
| There's going to be radicals. | ||
| I don't like all these lives for you to make your fucking point. | ||
| That's what I've never really enjoyed about war. | ||
| But on the other hand, war is cash. | ||
| War is economy. | ||
| War is manufacturing. | ||
| You know, that's what America does. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| We get, you know. | ||
| So who the fuck am I to be pro-a con? | ||
| My con is I don't want all these people losing their fucking lives. | ||
| You want the oil, motherfucker? | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| You want the cash that he had? | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| You want this mother? | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| That's one thing that we've always had the resources to do, and that's where I don't have patience. | ||
| Why all these fucking 18-year-old kids? | ||
| I don't know who watched Apocalypse Now yesterday unplugged on AMC. | ||
| You get stoned, you walk through the house, you have an hour before you go to a barbecue, and you put something on. | ||
| I'm fucking sitting there, and I'm sitting about when I was 18, I robbed this guy, and I used to do fucking Coke, and these kids were 19 waking up to machine gun fire. | ||
| Are you fucking, what are you gonna fucking tell me? | ||
| What do you have to tell me? | ||
| That you had a crack problem? | ||
| That you smoked weed when you, oh, whoop-de-doo. | ||
| These kids woke up to fucking machine gun fire. | ||
| Their legs getting blown up. | ||
| Just seeing these people in pieces, you know what that does to you? | ||
| I would never want to see that. | ||
| I would never want my children or anybody involved in my life to see that. | ||
| There ain't no coming back when you see that type of death at that age. | ||
| Yeah, I think we don't understand. | ||
| You have no fucking idea. | ||
| I don't like that many people suffering for your point. | ||
| Brian, I don't like what you do. | ||
| I'm about to send a fucking missile that's so strong it's going to go in your house, knock on your doorbell, and go in your asshole, and you're going to blow up. | ||
| Do that. | ||
| Impress me, motherfucker. | ||
| But I don't want 18 million fucking 18-year-olds going down for no reason. | ||
| It's not just that, man. | ||
| That's a minor thing in comparison to the casualties they suffer in Iraq. | ||
| I mean, it's never good when anybody dies. | ||
| It's terrible when American soldiers die, but it's also terrible when Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians die, too. | ||
| And, you know, we don't hear too much talk about that, man. | ||
| You don't hear too much talk about that a million people have died in Iraq. | ||
| Altogether, that's a giant number, man. | ||
| That's a scary, crazy, mind-bending number. | ||
| More than Nazis, right? | ||
| Way more. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Nazis was like six million Jews, wasn't it? | ||
| You need to count two Jews per one person. | ||
| Oh, how dare you? | ||
| Everybody suffers. | ||
| No, I think the Nazis are supposed to be more. | ||
| I think the Nazis just kicked six million, right, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Disputed, whatever it was. | ||
| I think it was more. | ||
| But either way, no one's saying what's bad or what's worse. | ||
| They're both fucking horrible and disgusting. | ||
| It's just, we don't experience it over here. | ||
| And because we don't experience it over here, the only people that truly appreciate what the fuck is happening in the world are our veterans. | ||
| They're the only ones who truly appreciate it. | ||
| And I know a lot of them, man. | ||
| I know a lot of them because of the UFC. | ||
| I know a lot of them because of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I know a lot of dudes who've been over there. | ||
| I went to high school with a bunch of dudes who went to the first Gulf War, and talked to them about it. | ||
| That's a mind-bending shit, man. | ||
| You're never the same human being. | ||
| My grandfather was a POW, and they actually wrote a book about him and everything like that, about his unit. | ||
| World War? | ||
| World War II. | ||
| He was a B-52 bomber, or he was a gunner on one of the bombers, and the plane fell from the sky, and he had to parachute out. | ||
| And he had this huge piece of metal in his parachute that he kept on his desk, you know, that he kept somehow. | ||
| Anyways, he was a prisoner of war, and my whole family thought he was gone, you know, and they finally got released and stuff like that. | ||
| How long was he in jail for? | ||
| I think it was six to eight months or something like that. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| But they tortured him. | ||
| They did everything to him and stuff. | ||
| And I remember right before he died, it was when Call of Duty 1 came out or 2 came out. | ||
| And I was playing it. | ||
| And he came over. | ||
| And I remember him sitting down there and just his eyes were just staring at the TV like he couldn't. | ||
| Well, one, because it was a video game print or saw a video game before. | ||
| But two, it was just like you could tell it kind of put him back in there. | ||
| It was kind of creepy, man. | ||
| I had to turn it off because it was freaking me out. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I would. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was a prisoner of war in Japan. | ||
| Is that where it was? | ||
| Or was it Germany? | ||
| And you're worried because you don't get Wi-Fi at Starbucks. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Suck my dick. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You fucking don't get Wi-Fi and you have a nervous breakdown. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's why we allow all this shit to happen in other countries. | ||
| We allow it because we don't experience it here, so we don't understand it. | ||
| And the only people that do experience it are veterans, and they're already over there. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| By the time they experience it, it's too late. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| I mean, whether they change the way the non-experienced understand war? | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| The only way to understand war is you'd have to be in it. | ||
| And if you were in it, then everybody would be like, let's stop this. | ||
| What the fuck are we doing? | ||
| You know, there's Jake Shields, head trainer, I forget his name, Tarak something, Tarak Aziz. | ||
| He's over in Afghanistan right now, and he was tweeting about it, and he was tweeting about how there's like, no one's talking about these NATO strikes that are killing all these civilians. | ||
| And there was parts of some woman stuck to a tree. | ||
| Like he was walking near this site, and there was parts of a woman stuck to a tree, just some oh god, yeah, just some poor, innocent person in the wrong place when the missiles come. | ||
| You know, how do you know it was a woman? | ||
| It was just like booming. | ||
| He didn't specify, but I guess he knew, you know, I got me. | ||
| Just seeing something like that will stay with you. | ||
| Dude, Joe Rogan. | ||
| So could you imagine? | ||
| This is the scene yesterday I'm watching because this is the piece I watched. | ||
| This was very fucking funny. | ||
| It's the part where that dude from the Godfather is throwing cards on the body. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| Robert Duval is throwing cards on the bodies, you know, Ace of Spades. | ||
| And all of a sudden, there's just death everywhere. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they come to him and they go, hey, this guy is here. | ||
| He wants to talk to you. | ||
| And it's, you know, Winning's Father. | ||
| Charlie Sheen's martial arts. | ||
| Charlie Sheen's Martin. | ||
| Charlie, who's brilliant. | ||
| The movie is awesome. | ||
| He comes over. | ||
| Excuse me, sir. | ||
| Winning's father. | ||
| He comes over with the fucking thing. | ||
| Excuse me, sir, major, whatever. | ||
| And Robert Duval's got his little thing on without his shirt on, with his fucking hat on, smoking. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, yeah, whatever. | ||
| And all of a sudden, in the middle of conversation, some other guy comes and goes, hey, sir, that's Lance whatever Johnson, the famous surfer. | ||
| In the middle of conversation, he just walks away from Winning's father and walks up to him and goes, excuse me, sir, and both of the black kid, the great black kid that's now on CSI. | ||
| Lance Fishburne? | ||
| Yeah, they both go, sir. | ||
| And all of a sudden the guy goes, Lance Johnson Jr. | ||
| And all of a sudden Lawrence Fishburne goes, major goes, that that. | ||
| He goes, are you Lance Johnson the surfer? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, he goes. | ||
| And he looks at fucking Charlie Sheen's father and Leonard. | ||
| He goes, they with you? | ||
| That's a classic line. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| This guy was a major. | ||
| This guy was a surfer. | ||
| And he goes, they with you? | ||
| I never caught that. | ||
| I've seen the movie 18 fucking times. | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| What a crazy movie that is. | ||
| What a crazy fucking movie. | ||
| Didn't know that movie takes like six years to make. | ||
| Listen, they had on the crazy one the other night, the one that got redux on AMC with no commercial. | ||
| I went out and came home. | ||
| I bumped into Flip Schultz and they gave me two fucking candies that put me in Jupiter. | ||
| I had to come home and make a pot of coffee. | ||
| So I'm watching that last scene when he's creeping and they're shooting at the Chinese. | ||
| And he goes, he's up on a hill. | ||
| And he goes, who's your whatever office? | ||
| And he goes, isn't it you? | ||
| The black guy goes, I thought it was you. | ||
| Remember, that guy's funny. | ||
| That guy's hysterical. | ||
| And he keeps walking. | ||
| There's a guy that he goes, you got the mortars and the brothers real yoked. | ||
| Remember this joe? | ||
| He's real yoked and he takes his time. | ||
| He looks at the motherfucker. | ||
| He's got those black eyes from Memphis with the veins in them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucked up. | |
| You can hear Jimi Hendrix in the back. | ||
| And he takes down his thing and he puts a mortar in it. | ||
| And with them looking at him, he just goes, and all of a sudden you just hear bang. | ||
| And all of a sudden the yelling stops. | ||
| And he just looks at him. | ||
| He don't say a fucking word. | ||
| And he goes, the guy Martin Sheen goes, do you know who the commanding officer is? | ||
| And the black guy goes, he just walks away. | ||
| He don't even give Martin Sheen an answer. | ||
| He just walks away. | ||
| I don't remember this. | ||
| Is this when they're finding Kurtz? | ||
| They're on their way to Kurtz. | ||
| This is the last stop before Kurtz. | ||
| Cursing. | ||
| This is the last stop before he gets up there. | ||
| And Marlon Brando's too fucking fat. | ||
| He's supposed to show up. | ||
| If you know the story, he's supposed to show up at training camp 240. | ||
| He shows up at 320 and says, what? | ||
| I'm Marlon Brando. | ||
| What? | ||
| They're like, so what are we going to do? | ||
| You're supposed to be an ex-soldier. | ||
| What are you supposed to do? | ||
| He goes, just fucking black my fucking stomach, put black on me, and just show my face. | ||
| That's why in all the scenes, all you see is his face. | ||
| You don't see his body. | ||
| You see him rubbing his fat head and shit, but they don't show you his body. | ||
| Yeah, that is one of the weirdest, most singular performances ever. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| And the guy nagging him the whole time in his ear. | ||
| You're getting tortured. | ||
| Who's the guy with the fuck? | ||
| The man is a genius, but his soul is mad. | ||
| What's that crazy hippie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, he wanted to kill me yesterday, dude. | ||
| He wanted to kill me, but he's powerful. | ||
| You know, he just kept that hippie talk. | ||
| It's just an amazing. | ||
| And then at the end, they kill the bull at the same time when they're killing Marlon Brando, and you hear the end with the doors. | ||
| They just do it perfect. | ||
| They're doing the dance. | ||
| And the Vietnamese, whatever the fuck they are, killing chickens and they're killing. | ||
| It's just, it's brilliant. | ||
| It's a brilliant movie. | ||
| I forgot all about the fucking fucking. | ||
| So happy Memorial Day is what I'm trying to fucking say to you. | ||
| That's one of those movies. | ||
| Soldiers. | ||
| That's one of those movies that every time you watch it, if you haven't seen it in a couple years, you just shake your head and go, God damn. | ||
| And they did trick him with acid. | ||
| They did give him acid in the movie. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Marlon Brandon? | ||
| Yeah, Martin Sheen. | ||
| So think about it. | ||
| Martin Sheen gave Marlon Brandon a certain amount of money. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The director gave Martin Sheen. | ||
| Martin Sheen acid. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So that scene when he's in the bedroom and he's smashing the window with karate? | ||
| He was. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| He was on acid? | ||
| They just tricked him. | ||
| They just said he was not. | ||
| How do you know this? | ||
| Because he talks about it, dog. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They were gone. | ||
| They were in the Philippines. | ||
| That's very rude. | ||
| They didn't shoot that movie in L.A. on some fucking in Buena Vista. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| They didn't shoot that on location. | ||
| They took that Martin, whatever. | ||
| Lawrence said he was 16. | ||
| They took him to the Philippines. | ||
| His parents had a fucking come, dog. | ||
|
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|
His fucking parents had a come and shit. | |
| Meanwhile, that accurately represents the age of some soldiers. | ||
| I mean, it's not 16, it's 18. | ||
| But how much difference is 16 and 18? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| 16 and 18 are fucking right there, man. | ||
| A few months. | ||
| You know, what is it? | ||
| 30 months? | ||
| It's supposed to be 24. | ||
| But what is like, what's the under and what's the over? | ||
| You know, what's the lowest amount of months? | ||
| It can be 13, 14 months difference. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| All of a sudden you're in a fucking... | ||
| You're in the army at 18. | ||
| 18. | ||
| Bucks flying. | ||
| And not just the army in Camp Pendleton doing push-ups with your buddies. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I'm fucking they take you and they take you into the fucking jungles of over there. | ||
| I mean, just 18, dog. | ||
| And you're seeing death every day. | ||
| You can't even imagine that life. | ||
| My God. | ||
| Every time you got tight with somebody, boom, he gets it. | ||
| And they just don't know what to do. | ||
| Can you, how old do you have to be to go to war? | ||
| Is it 18? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| 18, yeah. | ||
| You can sign up before that, though, and like wait, right? | ||
| Or your parents could take in there and go, look, my son's fucking retarded. | ||
| He don't want, he don't give a fuck about two times eight. | ||
| He don't give a fuck. | ||
| He's 16. | ||
| All he wants to do is shoot people. | ||
| Isn't it funny, though, that when you talk about like the 16 to 18 thing, it's funny that we have like an age when we decide you're ready for shit. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's important, but like there's an age like in some countries, or in some parts of the, even this country, they'll let you marry when you're 16. | ||
| You can fuck and marry when you're 16. | ||
| Yeah, it should be against the law that you shouldn't even be allowed to have babies before 21. | ||
| Well, you know that teacher that got busted up in Seattle, the Seattle, Washington area? | ||
| He was banging his student. | ||
| He was a, I think it was like a fifth grade teacher or something like that. | ||
| He was like super Christian. | ||
| It was really creepy because you go to his website. | ||
| He's like all like, this is how we stop bullies. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's banging some 15-year-old. | ||
| And he apparently they got together and made out a few times when she was 15, but she says they didn't have a sexual relationship until she was 16, which is technically legal in the state of Washington. | ||
| But they're going after him anyway because he was a teacher and because it's creepy. | ||
| Because it's creepy. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| We're going after you because it's icky. | ||
| Well, listen, man, they can go after you for things being creepy. | ||
| I mean, you don't want to think so, but look, they have obscenity laws. | ||
| There's still obscenity laws on the books in certain parts of the country. | ||
| Like, look at that Max Hardcore guy. | ||
| That guy is a porno star. | ||
| He made disgusting porns. | ||
| And so that guy's in a jail somewhere because of that. | ||
| Have you heard about this thing, Joey? | ||
| Go take a leak. | ||
| The Supreme Court decided to change the Fourth Amendment over marijuana smell. | ||
| The Supreme Court, this is a crazy story. | ||
| In Kentucky versus King, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that cops who smell marijuana coming from your home can break down your door and arrest you as long as they knock first and claim to have heard evidence or heard you destroying evidence. | ||
| That's all they have to do. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Only in what state? | ||
| Well, this is Supreme Court. | ||
| This sets a precedent. | ||
| I mean, all the marijuana laws are federal. | ||
| I mean, there's state laws, but they're not supposed to be real. | ||
| Like in the marijuana, like in medical marijuana in California, California says, we allow medical marijuana. | ||
| It's passed in 1994, and everyone says it's legal and hunky-dory. | ||
| The federal government can still come in and say, no, federally, marijuana is a schedule run drug and you're all under arrest. | ||
| All you people that are helping out cancer patients and AIDS patients, you're in jail. | ||
| And they did that for a long ass time. | ||
| Not only did they do that, but when they got arrested, this is where it's really fucked up. | ||
| They didn't allow them to use the expression medical marijuana. | ||
| You can't use it because federally that term doesn't exist. | ||
| So they say, were you selling weed? | ||
| You go, well, yeah, but I was selling medical marijuana. | ||
| So you have to say, yes, I was selling weed. | ||
| You can't say, they're not going to ask you if it's cancer patients. | ||
| They're not going to ask you if it's AIDS patients. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| What they're going to say is they're going to allow you to only say what they want you to say that will incriminate you. | ||
| They're not going to allow you to even use the expression medical marijuana. | ||
| So that federally shows how they operate. | ||
| But now this new, the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution is that the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized. | ||
| So they have to have a notice. | ||
| They have to go to a judge. | ||
| They have to have, listen, judge, this guy has been selling marijuana. | ||
| This guy has guns. | ||
| This guy's a bad guy. | ||
| And this is what we know about him. | ||
| This is the people that have snitched on him. | ||
| This is the photographs we have of his fucking grow-op. | ||
| You know, we need a warrant. | ||
| okay, you got a warrant. | ||
| And the judge reviews it to make sure that the cops aren't I can't figure this fucking crap. | ||
| Just keep going with it. | ||
| The other way. | ||
| The other way. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Lift it up. | ||
| It's like a Rubik's Cube. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| How can you not figure this out? | ||
| You're driving me crazy. | ||
| Pull that down. | ||
| There you go, big guy. | ||
| So now you don't have to go through all that whole process. | ||
| They don't have to go through that. | ||
| All the cop has to do is knock on your door and say, I think that you're smoking weed in there. | ||
| Let me in. | ||
| And then if they hear you destroying evidence. | ||
| Which is, it could be a toilet flush. | ||
| It could be you going, holy shit, the cops are here. | ||
| All right, destroy evidence. | ||
| Whatever noise that they're going to decipher might be you, but it's up to them to decide. | ||
| And then they kick down your door. | ||
| But now where is this? | ||
| This is like the United States of America. | ||
| But when they kick in their door. | ||
| Yeah, this is Kentucky versus King. | ||
| This is a U.S. Supreme Court. | ||
| This is a federal case. | ||
| When they kick in your door, though, and they see that you have marijuana and you get that $80 ticket, I mean, are they allowed to bust you for anything else they see? | ||
| Because that $80 ticket is only a state thing. | ||
| It's not a federal thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I'm saying, if they bust down your door, can they only arrest you for weed? | ||
| No, they can arrest you for anything you got in your fucking house once they're in. | ||
| Let's say if they get a warrant and they search your house, like if they get a warrant because they think you're selling cocaine and they go to your house and there's five dead bodies, they're still going to arrest you for murder. | ||
| This is a scary thing because this allows cops to just say they smelled pot. | ||
| But we're only talking about pot. | ||
| The idea that you are going to break down someone's fucking house because not even you smell them growing it, you smell the smoke. | ||
| You smell them using it. | ||
| So you smell them doing something that they want to do and you have a law where you can break down the door if you think that they're destroying that pot that they wanted to smoke. | ||
| You think they're flushing it. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Now these are the feds that are coming to your house to do that. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what this is all about. | ||
| The feds ain't coming to my house, your house, or red bands. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I was just going to say. | ||
| This is just to add to people. | ||
| Guys, it's like a Rico. | ||
| A Rico fucking fucks everybody up in the ass. | ||
| I don't talk to Joe Rogan. | ||
| I just see him once a fucking month. | ||
| But if you go to Joe Rogan and you give him cash and he brings it to me, I'm involved in whatever Joe Rogan's doing. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| It's a criminal enterprise. | ||
| So now they added this so they can nail you in a different fucking manner. | ||
| It's not going to apply to us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, what are they going to bust down my door and get go get a warrant? | |
| This is, you know. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| But it's still retarded and scary. | ||
| No, I understand. | ||
| The idea, I agree that it's probably not going to come up in our lives, but it's going to come up in somebody's life. | ||
| And the only reason why it exists at all is because there's a bunch of clueless old fucks that are in charge of running shit in this country. | ||
| Well, this is always going to happen. | ||
| If they want to bust down your door, they'll find a thousand other ways to get in your door. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| You know, but they don't need help. | ||
| They don't need this help. | ||
| They don't need the help by the fucking federal government. | ||
| 9-11 is going to change our life forever. | ||
| It wasn't an AD type deal, but it changed our life and our liberties. | ||
| A lot of our liberties change, and it goes back to 9-11. | ||
| I don't know how this goes back to it, but this is just one of the steps that they're taking. | ||
| Yeah, but it's the Joey. | ||
| You can say that all you want, but when you're the law is specifically about smelling marijuana, that's not protecting anybody from anything, man. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| This is just nonsense by people that bought into propaganda and have shown through their decisions. | ||
| If you show that this is the way you think after you've really experienced and looked at all the evidence, all that tells me is you're grossly incompetent. | ||
| Not just grossly incompetent, but criminally incompetent. | ||
| The idea that you're there to serve and protect and you would actively seek to lock people up in jail for a plant that's never killed a single fucking human being on the face of the planet. | ||
| No one's ever OD'd from it ever. | ||
| It can't. | ||
| It can't happen. | ||
| It's one of the most innocuous natural substances you could possibly wrap your fucking head around. | ||
| And the fact that these cunts have made a law where if they smell you enjoying this fantastic plant that makes sex better and food tastes better and makes you more creative, they smell it. | ||
| They can kick down your fucking door and lock you in a cage. | ||
| This is some draconian Orwell 1984 movie type shit. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I fucking go and hit a weed store with a gun at lunchtime with Redman. | ||
| Red Man's the driver? | ||
| Is he the driver? | ||
| Bitch, the gun, a thousand things. | ||
| I love the story. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| They come in front of my house. | ||
| I have no pants on this story. | ||
| Let's go over there. | ||
| Let's go over there and watch his movements. | ||
| Whatever the fuck. | ||
| Acts by his brain. | ||
| All they got to do now is knock on the fucking door. | ||
| Is knock on the door and say, we smell weed and flying and go, oh, Redman's here. | ||
| Let's say Joe Rogan has a warrant and he comes to my house for dinner. | ||
| This is all this. | ||
| This is just less paperwork for these cocksuckers. | ||
| This doesn't even make you go home and get a warrant. | ||
| So what you're telling me is if they smell it, they don't even have to go to the judge and get it signed off on a warrant. | ||
| That's what you're telling me. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| This is all part of something different. | ||
| This is all part of the rolling. | ||
| It's just that this, I can understand it if you say you smell gunshot. | ||
| Listen, bro, let me tell you. | ||
| You smell gunpowder. | ||
| You know what the best thing about 500 people is? | ||
| Cocaine smell. | ||
| That he showed up with one hand and he showed you the other one and became the president. | ||
| The problem that's going on in this country, none of you fucking Momos see that this is a slow mind fuck of communism. | ||
| From all your little fucking computers and your Twitter and your message, they're just taking your fucking. | ||
| This is communism? | ||
| This is communism. | ||
| This is all communism. | ||
| They got us. | ||
| They got us. | ||
| Everything we say, they got us now. | ||
| And they're going to keep getting worse and worse. | ||
| They're knocking on your fucking door for smelling marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's 2011. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Japan is dying over there. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| These countries, there's going to be another earthquake in a few fucking weeks. | ||
| I mean, you know, but we're worried about you, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So what communism aren't you talking about? | ||
| They take everything. | ||
| On every computer, there's a fucking camera, people. | ||
| I don't know if you want to call it communism, but I agree that it's government. | ||
| It's government is getting bigger, and government wants more and more power, and government wants less and less responsibility. | ||
| And they want to be able to get away with shit. | ||
| It's fucking that simple. | ||
| It's hard to run all these people. | ||
| A lot of us are retarded. | ||
| A lot of us are idiots. | ||
| It's tough to keep us in line. | ||
| But I'll tell you what I did here. | ||
| I'll tell you what I did here from somebody who works at the airport. | ||
| That if you show up to LAX or Burbank or one of those airports and say, I'm going to Mississippi and I'm taking weed, they'll let you bring it out now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This is what I heard now. | ||
| All you gotta do is tell them. | ||
| Did you hear that from a cop? | ||
| Hey, guys. | ||
| That guy, first of all, I'm out every fucking day smoking and talking to. | ||
| Did you hear this from a cop? | ||
| From fucking weed stores and shit. | ||
| And I'm telling you, check it. | ||
| You have to check your license and show them the shit. | ||
| And what they tell you is that when you get there, you worry about it. | ||
| That's your own problem. | ||
| But now you need your medicine. | ||
| This is them telling me, bro, they're telling me to save your receipts because you can put them on your taxes. | ||
| Do I do that? | ||
| No. | ||
| But this is what's cracking lacking, guys. | ||
| I'm just fucking telling you. | ||
| I wouldn't claim that. | ||
| No, no shit. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| The government will fuck you to make it. | ||
| That is the last thing you want to put in your fucking thing. | ||
| Here's 80 receipts for $20 a fucking bag. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| But they're saying that people are claiming on their fucking taxes. | ||
| Yeah, those people are going to get jacked. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You think I'm going to show up with my fucking receipts? | ||
| Yeah, alright, bro. | ||
| You fucking retarded. | ||
| Get the fuck. | ||
| The point being is that now they're saying on LAX and Burbank, you show up. | ||
| Will I do it? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I know people who will do that. | ||
| You take their shit, and they say, worry about it on the other side. | ||
| We will not contact the other authorities. | ||
| Too dangerous. | ||
| Too dangerous, my friend. | ||
| That's like going to your mother and telling me you're fucking your cousin, but don't tell your dad. | ||
| So when you fly, bro, you take things across state lines and shit. | ||
| Yeah, that becomes a federal issue. | ||
| It's like if you kidnap somebody and just drive them to Vegas, you're fucked. | ||
| You know if I have a warrant, it's not worth it. | ||
| Let's pretend. | ||
| Let's pretend you don't have a warrant. | ||
| That's even harder to imagine. | ||
| There's got to be some other you haven't dealt with. | ||
| Let's pretend I'm under suspicion for trafficking narcotics, and they don't have a warrant for my arrest, but they're listening to my conversations on the phone. | ||
| This is how bad this is. | ||
| What is the first thing I say to you when I answer the phone? | ||
| When you answer the phone? | ||
| Hey, can you talk? | ||
| Do you want to talk? | ||
| What's the first thing I say to you? | ||
| Hey, Cox. | ||
| Hey, Cox. | ||
| If you're in Vegas and I'm in L.A., let's say you have suspicion, I get arrested for saying that over a fucking line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It goes from state to state. | ||
| Did you know that, fucko? | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Did you know that, fucko? | ||
| So go online. | ||
| Before you say anything. | ||
| So you're saying if... | ||
| You don't know it. | ||
| They're not going to arrest you. | ||
| But if you're on suspicion for something, this is just a way for them to fuck with you, to stop you at an airport. | ||
| They have a law for it. | ||
| You can't curse over an open line and state... | ||
| Okay, these are the simple things that everybody's a fucking genius, but nobody knows. | ||
| But these are to stop your liberties. | ||
| This is just to stop you for 15 minutes and stop you and see if something could come up in 24 hours for them to arrest you. | ||
| So they could use this, like if you were swearing, they could use that as a law to bring you in and then they start getting you for other things? | ||
| No, listen, you fucking none of you. | ||
| What the fuck, Joe Rogan? | ||
| No, by law. | ||
| I'm asking a question. | ||
| Okay, when you're a detective, let's say you're a fellow detective. | ||
| Let's say you're a fellow detective. | ||
| Each state has guidelines. | ||
| In Seattle, Washington, if I push Redman, and Redman has no witnesses, they have 72 hours to charge me with the crime for Redman, for pushing Redman. | ||
| If they don't get 72, those 72 hours are a window for them to get you for other things. | ||
| It's called detainment. | ||
| So when those twins, so let's pretend OJ stabbed his wife. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And they'll have nothing to do in LA, but they want to get him for something. | ||
| They'll detain them until they find something. | ||
| And then after 24 hours, they got to let you go, whatever that state particular law is. | ||
| So you don't have to have knowledge of the fact that it's on an open line for it to count? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a federal wiretap. | ||
| It's a federal wiretap. | ||
| The next time I do the podcast, I'll come up here and bring you letters I get. | ||
| Bring me some paper. | ||
| Certify letters. | ||
| Certify that shit. | ||
| Get that shit signed by New Jersey, from New Jersey Federal Prosecutor's Office. | ||
| I have a friend who's involved in bookmaking. | ||
| Can you get a wax stamp? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whenever he calls me, no, whenever he calls me. | |
| Whenever they tap you on a phone, if I have a phone tap and you don't know and you just call me because you're my friend, after they arrest me and they take me to trial, you're going to get a bunch of mail telling you that we were listening to you on an open line. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, these are things they have to do. | ||
| See, in the old days, you knew if your line was tapped. | ||
| All you had to do was go into your phone box. | ||
| The feds in those days would put a tag on your phone that said property of the United States government. | ||
| Didn't take a genius. | ||
| They would have to put tags. | ||
| Now they don't have that no more. | ||
| They could tag you with bugs or they could tag you in the box in the tree. | ||
| But in the old days, if you lived in an apartment, your phone line was getting tagged. | ||
| Or there was a box in a tree somewhere. | ||
| What they do is kick the box. | ||
| Did you ever have your shit tapped? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, your body. | ||
| And I had friends that had their shit tapped. | ||
| Dog, I'm not going to sit here and go, you hear it click. | ||
| Are you wearing a wire right now? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's on my dick. | ||
| Come over here and sniff it, cop sucker. | ||
| Come over here and suck on this fucking mic, you little dirty. | ||
| This wire sure is small. | ||
| But what it is, is so what do you understand my point? | ||
| So I would never get rid of Joe Roger. | ||
| What did they wiretap you for? | ||
| Drugs in 85 and Aspen. | ||
| But I would never, do you understand me? | ||
| You think the cops are going to be listening to our conversation? | ||
| Because now they can listen to anything. | ||
| And so right now I'm at home and for some reason I tap into Red Bands and whatever's conversation and I'm in Vegas for the UFC and I go, Red Band, cocksucker. | ||
| They're not going to get a cop car to come and arrest me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But. | |
| So is that why you say cocksucker to everybody? | ||
| They're not going to arrest you. | ||
| And they can't come over. | ||
| What evidence you got, man? | ||
| Call them a cocklicker. | ||
| They can't come over and arrest me because they're just saying they're fucking around. | ||
| But let's pretend Joe Diaz is under suspicion for something and they're trying to arrest me for something. | ||
| Something that we know all we need is 24 hours to get him. | ||
| They're wiring me while they're listening to me. | ||
| They go, tap that fucking line. | ||
| This is how beautiful the law works for you sometimes. | ||
| Tap that line. | ||
| Where is he talking to? | ||
| Vegas? | ||
| Go get him for opening over a talking over a fucking. | ||
| They have an open line, swearing over an open line over federal boundaries. | ||
| And they'll come fucking knock on my door, take me down there for 24 hours, then release me and say it was a technicality. | ||
| But at least they took me off the street for 24 hours. | ||
| And all of a sudden, as I'm getting out, they'll say, by the way, Mr. Diaz, we have another sheet of paper for your warrant. | ||
| That's what they do that too. | ||
| Oh, then they bring the rights. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| All these rules are going to be to help a different case. | ||
| A RICO case strengthens the case. | ||
| When I got in trouble for kidnapping, if you got arrested for two or more violent crimes at the same time, so let's say you get assault one and assault two. | ||
| They automatically have to charge you with crime of violence. | ||
| It's a state law. | ||
| So what is an assault one? | ||
| What's an assault two? | ||
| Assault one, you hit him in the head with a fucking pipe. | ||
| Assault two, you shove the bottle up his ass. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| There's different degrees of. | ||
| Did you see this guy in Oklahoma that's getting, he's getting first-degree murder because he got robbed and this is what he did. | ||
| He went outside. | ||
| There's a video of it. | ||
| They pull out a gun. | ||
| They say, give us your money. | ||
| He pulls out his gun and shoots. | ||
| The fucking guys run. | ||
| There's two guys in the place. | ||
| The first guy, he hit with a bullet. | ||
| And he was the guy who didn't have the gun. | ||
| So one guy had a gun, one guy didn't. | ||
| He shoots the guy who doesn't have the gun. | ||
| The guy with the gun runs. | ||
| He runs outside with his gun, looking for the guy, trying to shoot him. | ||
| The guy's gone. | ||
| He comes back inside. | ||
| The guy he shot first is on the ground. | ||
| He puts his gun down, grabs another gun, walks over to the guy, and unloads on him. | ||
| Doom, doom, doom, doom. | ||
| And executes him. | ||
| That's murder. | ||
| That's murder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's murder. | |
| Supermur. | ||
| You had him the first time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The second time, he didn't have him. | ||
| But in Texas, in Texas, they have crimes of passion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that might be a different motherfucker. | ||
| They might allow you to get away with that in Texas. | ||
| Yeah, you can pretty much do whatever you want to have somebody's on your property. | ||
| But Texas, you can catch your wife boning some dude and kill the both of them and get away with it. | ||
| And raise a crime of passion. | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying it's going to happen every day. | ||
| What about the dude we see? | ||
| You could argue it. | ||
| The dude in Texas, the old dude that had the shotgun in the house, and he called the police, and the police says, we're going to send the car right over. | ||
| Well, fuck you, you are. | ||
| I'm going to go shoot these motherfuckers right now. | ||
| And they're like, come back, sir. | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| You want to see? | ||
| They're like, come back. | ||
| Remember, he was the next cop. | ||
| He was like fucking 80. | ||
| And they're like, sir, mind your business. | ||
| God damn, mind my business. | ||
| I'm getting a shotgun. | ||
| Sir, sir, you hear. | ||
| Where was he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| In Houston. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And he comes back and he goes, God damn, I got me two motherfuckers. | ||
| Sir, stay in the house. | ||
| I'm coming right back. | ||
| He went out there and shot him again. | ||
| Remember that name? | ||
| Something the burglar next door. | ||
| Next door. | ||
| Fucking classic. | ||
| He kept out of the cow's dog. | ||
| I'm going to go shoot him. | ||
| No, sir. | ||
| Stay in the house. | ||
| We were like working in town that weekend. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| Then we've seen it. | ||
| Weren't we in Houston that weekend when it was happening? | ||
| Something fucking happened. | ||
| Now it's coming back to me. | ||
| Yeah, what happened to that dude? | ||
| Did that dude get arrested for that? | ||
| He was fucking 100 years old. | ||
| You give that guy a medal and a gallon of milk. | ||
| And you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You give him a fucking medal and a pass to Disneyland. | ||
| That guy's balls. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| When it gets to be 80, he was like, I'm going to say he was like 68. | ||
| But just to say, and do you remember, like, they had footage of him or something. | ||
| Something hit him. | ||
| Why was the 911 call? | ||
| Him like out there with the gun like, come back, Negro, and just running behind him. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And then he went back in the house and called and went back out to the shit. | ||
| 911 call, I think. | ||
| Yes, he could dial 911 and said, I got him. | ||
| But what I was telling you is, they charge you with something, Joe, so it makes the plea bargain easier. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I understand that they can use it to arrest scumbags. | ||
| Hey, we smelled, you know, pot. | ||
| We came in. | ||
| He had white slavery going on. | ||
| It was getting high at the same time. | ||
| I can understand. | ||
| I can understand. | ||
| I understand the idea behind making it easier for law enforcement. | ||
| I'm 100% pro-law enforcement. | ||
| I know a lot of cops and I know a lot of good cops and I know a lot of cops that are good dudes. | ||
| And I know most cops get a shitty rap, but most of the time when you're talking to cops, it's because you fucked up. | ||
| That's reality. | ||
| And we've all fucked up before. | ||
| But I've found in my life that if you're respectful and you treat the cops straightforward and don't give them a fucking hard time and don't challenge their position, you know, just accept what's going on. | ||
| He's doing a job. | ||
| We have fucking rules. | ||
| There is society and this guy represents those rules. | ||
| So you treat him with respect. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| And I've never had a fucking problem with cops, but I'm not a criminal. | ||
| I'm not a scumbag. | ||
| And I never had problems with cops. | ||
| I had a cop one time with handcuffs on go in my zipper pocket over here and I had 30 fucking volumes in there, the blue ones, the old school used to be in the middle, which would kill a fucking horse. | ||
| Isn't that Viagra? | ||
| No, he looked at them. | ||
| It's 82, fucking Momo. | ||
| He looked at him. | ||
| He didn't have Viagra in 82. | ||
| And he put him fucking back and just smiled. | ||
| I had a cop in Boulder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Who I took my side. | ||
| I was telling this story on stage the other. | ||
| When you get arrested, you got to take your shoes off, then your socks. | ||
| But you have to turn your socks out. | ||
| I had this fucking skunk in my sneaker. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I had it deep, deep, deep in the arch. | ||
| It was so much in there. | ||
| I was walking with a fucking limp. | ||
| And they pulled me over. | ||
| I had a speeding ticket and the guy fucking arrested me. | ||
| And when they take me back, the guy went to pull the sock off and look at the weed. | ||
| And he looked at it as Joe. | ||
| He looked at his happy ash. | ||
| He goes, it's Sativa season. | ||
| He didn't even know what he was talking about. | ||
| The next day I go to get charged and they charge me with everything, but then they'll charge me with the weed. | ||
| You better charge me with the weed. | ||
| He stole my weed and didn't charge me with it. | ||
| So you charge me with the ticket. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| If you're going to charge me with everything, charge me with everything. | ||
| You take my weed and just charge me with one thing. | ||
| He charged me with everything except the fucking charges. | ||
| He wanted the weed. | ||
| If he charged you with the weed, he couldn't keep the weed. | ||
| I've been one thing. | ||
| It's pretty simple. | ||
| I've fucked up a lot, and I've always had no problems. | ||
| Don't be mad. | ||
| Look, I know there's some dirty cops out there. | ||
| I know there's some douchebag cops. | ||
| I know there's some, I've read some shit. | ||
| I've seen documentaries. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's good and bad and everything. | ||
| I watched Cocaine Cowboys where they talk about how the entire fucking year, graduating year, one year, it was like 84 or something, the entire graduating year of the Miami Police Department, what is the police entire, either died or got murdered or got put in prison. | ||
| All of them became corrupt. | ||
| It was one of the worst things that could ever happen. | ||
| It was like one of those things, what is it when you have to open up? | ||
| They opened up a program in Miami in 80 to promote more police officers that were Spanish. | ||
| So they took all these cops that had juvenile records like a motherfucker, all these kids, erased them, and just gave them jobs to give the department a better thing. | ||
| And there was this one case where they had these four cops, I forget what they called them, the harbor cops or whatever, that they were just pulling people over on the road, shooting you, and taking your shit, throwing you in the water, all four of them, just on the road like pirates, bro. | ||
| Then have your information. | ||
| And one got out. | ||
| What did they call them again? | ||
| I forget the four cops. | ||
| And then one got out. | ||
| This happened in 83, 82. | ||
| And the one guy got out in 99 and he became a cook at Club Mambo in Coconut Grove. | ||
| And they had signs all over Coconut Grove. | ||
| Don't hire him. | ||
| Don't go to Mambo. | ||
| The guy was a killer. | ||
| They were killers. | ||
| They were just going up. | ||
| They weren't even arresting you. | ||
| How did that guy get out of jail? | ||
| Pulling you out by your hair, blowing your brains out, throwing you over the causeway, taking your Mercedes with the fucking Porsche, going it back. | ||
| When they each got popped, they each had millions plus. | ||
| They each had 300 kilos of cocaine. | ||
| Like they were so far gone doing blowing, just shooting people. | ||
| The harbor cops, the roadway cops, the, and they were all these crazy little fucking spics that, you know, Cuban kids, dog, that have juvenile records, but they had to promote them. | ||
| How'd they get out of jail? | ||
| I mean, half of them got shot. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I mean, is it, I mean, when you do something like that, you got to get life, right? | ||
| If they catch you executing people, what the fuck did they, how is this guy, how is it possible that he could have got out? | ||
| I have no fucking idea, but that was 20 fucking years. | ||
| I'm sorry about that. | ||
| So you vibrating over there? | ||
| So what is it, just different laws back then? | ||
| to the cops or? | ||
| Well, different laws for like... | ||
| This is why people don't explain this on television. | ||
| Well, he's getting 10 years. | ||
| He's getting four fucking years. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He's getting four fucking years. | ||
| Especially with overcrowded. | ||
| He's doing four years overcrowded prisons, programs, first-time offenders, you know, all this fucking bullshit that you qualify for, especially if you're non-violent. | ||
| So what? | ||
| You sold a grandma fucking blow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They don't want you in there, really, in a way. | ||
| You know, they'll make you pay to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| You're going to pay. | ||
| It's going to cost you to get out of there. | ||
| But this guy, these guys were like hardcore murderers. | ||
| They're called murderers. | ||
| But they still get out before the other still alive. | ||
| I think the one guy got out. | ||
| But you got to remember, this was 84, and we were in Coconut Grove in 2000. | ||
| So that's 15 fucking years. | ||
| So if they gave this guy a 20-year sentence, remember, the more the violent the crime, the parole board turns you down. | ||
| So if you get 20 years, you do 10, but the parole board could turn you down eight times. | ||
| So they don't always turn you down. | ||
| Even if you do heinous shit, man, there was a dude who got released a couple of years ago in Houston. | ||
| And this guy years ago, I forget how many, it was a long time ago, murdered some grandmother and this little girl. | ||
| I think the girl was like three or four, and he drowned her in a fucking toilet, man. | ||
| I mean, this guy was a killer. | ||
| This guy was a hardcore, evil motherfucker. | ||
| Killed this grandmother in front of the daughter, the granddaughter, and the granddaughter was making too much noise, so he drowned her in the toilet and killed the both of them and went to jail. | ||
| And then they let him out. | ||
| And they will let him out. | ||
| He just immediately started killing chicks immediately. | ||
| By the time they got to his house, they found one of those big drums, those big metal drums with some woman chopped up and stuffed inside of it. | ||
| And they found evidence of another murder somewhere else in his house. | ||
| And then they couldn't find the fuck. | ||
| But then again, you're a very intelligent guy. | ||
| And you understand that people make mistakes. | ||
| Yeah, when you can drown a baby, you're dead. | ||
| So right now, what I'm trying to say to you, I'm trying to say to you is things are bad. | ||
| I got a family. | ||
| I know people. | ||
| And I go out there and I sling some weed and I get fucking eight years for slinging fucking weed. | ||
| And they lock me and put me under the fucking jail. | ||
| But this guy, the system failed. | ||
| And they let him out. | ||
| And this is the flaws. | ||
| I see that they got a, listen, man. | ||
| If it's your first time offending for cocaine, I think they should give you a stiff penalty up front so you understand what it's like behind back there. | ||
| And that's the only way you'll learn the same way I learned. | ||
| Because once you go back there, it ain't no fucking joke. | ||
| And I'm not talking about, oh, you're gonna get raped and don't drop the song. | ||
| I'm talking about you miss your peeps, bro. | ||
| The people who love you and have faith in you, they're the ones you hurt. | ||
| And when you see their faces, that's when you make a decision. | ||
| Either you're gonna go back there or you're fucking not. | ||
| I feel that everybody should pay for what they've done in society. | ||
| It's the only way you're gonna learn from it. | ||
| I keep giving you probation. | ||
| You're gonna keep doing the same shit. | ||
| Lindsay Lohan nothing needs six months fucking years with a bunch of hardcore sisters with no fucking Afro sheen in their hair when they start looking like fucking Magoomba. | ||
| And you'll see what fucking happens. | ||
| You'll see what fucking happens. | ||
| You'll see if she ever shoplifts again, dog. | ||
| And I'm telling you this from the honesty. | ||
| When you start sitting down talking to people and the way you and I talk about, oh, we fucked this chick or we did a show. | ||
| When I talk to you, I said, the time I stabbed that motherfucker in the neck, that was my best day in my life. | ||
| And you're like, this ain't the motherfucker that's coming to my kids' baptism. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| So I feel that, yeah. | ||
| But for me to give you, like in Michigan, I'm reading, they're giving motherfuckers 12 years for selling Coke on the street and shit. | ||
| 12 years. | ||
| 12 years, nine years. | ||
| Hey, four years. | ||
| Did you hear about what they're doing in Palm Beach County in Florida? | ||
| You hear they're having kids, young 19, 20-year-old cops, and they're putting them in high school? | ||
| What? | ||
| And they're busting kids for selling weed? | ||
| Have you heard about this? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it before we left. | ||
| You have three children. | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| You mad at that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I am mad. | ||
| It's high school, and they're smoking weed. | ||
| That's all you're arresting them for? | ||
| Look, if you're arresting him for undercover of murder for hire plots, and they're planning on knocking over banks and shit when they get out of high school, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, bust them for that. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| It's just pot. | ||
| That's all they did. | ||
| They went in and this chick pretended to be a fucking high school student. | ||
| Hey, you guys want to buy pot? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, well, you got some? | ||
| Next thing you know, they're in jail. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. | ||
| Our tax dollars went for a woman to pretend that she was in high school so she could find out who's got the weed. | ||
| You know, you have children now, so you understand that when you said it, I've heard it come out of your mouth. | ||
| You know that that's West Plum and that Miami. | ||
| That area is a cesspool of fucking truck. | ||
| That area is terrible. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| But the problem with that area is pills. | ||
| Wow, that even makes it worse in my fucking eyes. | ||
| The problem is pills, and pills are everywhere. | ||
| We talked about it on the podcast before, but if you haven't seen it, it's available online. | ||
| You need to watch an episode of Vanguard called the OxyContin Express. | ||
| And they go into Vanguard is this network. | ||
| It's one of those shows on one of those weird networks where you're not exactly sure what it is, like True TV or some shit like that. | ||
| But if you can find it on your DVR, it's the shit. | ||
| Because they go on these like investigative journalistic adventures and undercover a lot of shit. | ||
| And one of the things they did is they uncovered the whole situation down in Florida. | ||
| It's called the OxyContin Express. | ||
| And it shows how they have these pain management centers in Florida. | ||
| And Florida doesn't have a database. | ||
| So if you got a prescription for OxyContins, which you could easily down there, you say, oh, my back's fucked up. | ||
| They look at you, they go, well, the guy's a little overweight. | ||
| Maybe he's got a back problem. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| They write you a prescription. | ||
| They're in the office and you go right next door in the same fucking building and they've got the OxyContin. | ||
| And they sell it to you. | ||
| It's like they're legal heroin dealers and they have no database. | ||
| So if you went to Dr. Joey Diaz and got your prescription, you could get out of the car, drive right down the street, and go to Dr. Joe Rogan. | ||
| And Dr. Joe Rogan writes a prescription for you too. | ||
| And then you go down the street another fucking 20 miles down the road and get another prescription. | ||
| And you can do it over and over again because they can't compare. | ||
| So you can just show up at these page management centers and get 30, 40 fucking pills. | ||
| And these people are, they're called the OxyContin Express because people are driving down from Kentucky and Ohio. | ||
| They're driving down this highway to access the Florida fucking OxyContin. | ||
| They're hanging out in front of this place. | ||
| I mean, it is a trip, man. | ||
| They show the inside of this building. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's all these people jonesing and walking back and forth like zombies. | |
| And they're sitting there smoking cigarettes, sitting in front of the place, waiting for it to open. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| They're waiting to get in and get their shit. | ||
| And they have all these undercover comics, undercover cameras. | ||
| They're interviewing all these people. | ||
| It's like, where you coming from? | ||
| Man, I'm coming from Kentucky. | ||
| I make this trip once a month. | ||
| I need my stuff. | ||
| Tell you what, you can't get it in Kentucky. | ||
| They're busting people left and right now. | ||
| I don't know if it's on Netflix. | ||
| I know, I watched it online, and then I found the show on TV. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't even know about the show until somebody said Boulevard. | |
| Everybody's hooking up. | ||
| The documentary. | ||
| No, the documentary is too. | ||
| Everybody, look, I mean, you can get OxyContins. | ||
| I know a dude who had a problem, and he had a problem because he got a prescription for it when he lived in Texas, and then he moved to California. | ||
| He got another prescription for it here, and he decided to just have himself a little fucking party. | ||
| And so when he did that, he got jacked. | ||
| Look at this cookie out there. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| That looks like Kermit the Frog. | ||
| Please do that, please. | ||
| The body of Christ compels you. | ||
| I overdosed the other day, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, I heard. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Are you going to eat that whole thing? | ||
| Oh, you're a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| No, you fuck it. | ||
| Get that way out. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| I'm scared of that cookie. | ||
| So I had mushrooms in Solvang. | ||
| I don't even remember it. | ||
| And it wasn't that big of a trip, so I've been kind of jonesing it. | ||
| Solvang, people should know, is a town. | ||
| Solvang. | ||
| I've been up there. | ||
| It's like wine country. | ||
| Go with your girl, have a nice time, pop a few mushrooms. | ||
| Right, and it wasn't as good as I wanted, so I've been kind of jonesing to do it again. | ||
| So me and my girlfriend were like, hey, let's see. | ||
| Are you measuring your dose or are you just like looking at it? | ||
| I usually buy like a quarter or an eighth and usually take half of that. | ||
| An eighth of an ounce. | ||
| A quarter. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What is an ounce? | ||
| 16 grams? | ||
| I saw the picture the fucking one. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| They're beautiful. | ||
| What is an ounce? | ||
| 16 grams? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't go by ounces at all. | ||
| I always just went by quarters and an eighth. | ||
| 28 grams. | ||
| Is it 28 grams? | ||
| Yeah, you're eating how many? | ||
| Half a quarter. | ||
| Half a quarter. | ||
| So a quarter is seven fucking grams, and you're eating an eighth. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I ate a full quarter, if not more, this time around. | ||
| You're fucking crazy. | ||
| Oh, so you went over five grams this year. | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking crazy. | ||
| Oh, no, I went over probably. | ||
| Seven grams. | ||
| Oh, some more. | ||
| So you crossed over to the dark side. | ||
| What happened is the mushrooms, like, I don't know if you saw the picture. | ||
| One of the caps I had was about the size of A baseball, maybe. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| It was huge. | ||
| And the stem was about that big, which was about the size of, I don't know, and thick. | ||
| It was like a huge, chunky, fat. | ||
| I've never seen mushrooms that I thought they weren't real. | ||
| Like, I thought they picked the wrong kind and it wasn't going to work because they were so big. | ||
| And there was no way to really judge it. | ||
| So I was like, you eat fucking half of it, you lucky. | ||
| It was the dumbest thing ever. | ||
| I was just, I was like, you know what? | ||
| I want to see a lot of crazy shit. | ||
| I'm going to go deep this time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so I made tea. | ||
| My girlfriend made tea. | ||
| With the mushrooms in it? | ||
| With the mushrooms. | ||
| We both made our own separate teas. | ||
| So we both had about a quarter each in each one of our teas. | ||
| And she only drank half of it because she started feeling it halfway through drinking the tea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So she didn't eat. | ||
| I did it quick and I just ate it and drank the whole thing real quick. | ||
| And then we're both laying on the couch and my body starts twitching. | ||
| Like immediately I had all these twitches over my body. | ||
| It was twitching. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only thing I had ate today, because that's another thing in Soul Fang, maybe I had ate before. | ||
| So the only thing I ate today that day was a beet salad. | ||
| That's how you're supposed to do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're supposed to fast for like 12 hours. | ||
| So I had a small beet salad, like seriously small beet salad. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So I'm laying on the couch and suddenly I looked at my hand and it turned into triangles, pyramids. | ||
| Like I couldn't see my fingers. | ||
| They were just tons of little pyramids. | ||
| And then I looked to the ground. | ||
| Little geometric patterns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've always had in the past, whenever I was swrooming, I knew where I was. | ||
| I looked around. | ||
| I saw the room. | ||
| I knew it was my room, but it just looked trippy. | ||
| This was like, no, I was not seeing anything that looked familiar. | ||
| It was like pyramids and gears and a lot of clock tower type things, like inside a clock where it has all this gears and stuff. | ||
| Mechanisms, like you're seeing the inner workings of the universe. | ||
| And so me and girlfriend both fucked up as hell. | ||
| We were like, you know, let's go upstairs and lay in your bed and just chill out and look at things. | ||
| How'd you get upstairs? | ||
| I fell to the ground four times while walking up to the stairs. | ||
| My feet would not work anymore. | ||
| My legs just would not work. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to be lying down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I laid down and it started smelling like dog pee where I was laying. | ||
| So I was trying to crawl. | ||
| So I was trying to crawl. | ||
| So I somehow got in bed and I'm looking at what was the ceiling fan. | ||
| But to me, it was just this spinning black hole of colors. | ||
| And I thought I was dead. | ||
| I was like, I am dead. | ||
| And then I just started getting really sick, like poisoned sick. | ||
| And so then I was like, holy shit, I got to puke. | ||
| No, I'm not going to puke. | ||
| I tried not to make myself puke. | ||
| Finally, I get up, ran to the bathroom somehow, fell on the ground too. | ||
| I ran to the bathroom, puked. | ||
| My puke turned into what was beets, turned into this red furry tree that came out and was just shooting lasers and stuff. | ||
| And so I started recording myself, trying to find my phone, and I couldn't even use my phone. | ||
| So like it took me maybe a half hour to find out how to use my phone because the phone was just a big kaleidoscope of shit, you know? | ||
| And then suddenly it all stopped. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| I feel normal. | ||
| I don't see anything and everything. | ||
| And suddenly it just immediately went right back into the world. | ||
| And it was, it was, I swear to God, I thought I had a poison. | ||
| I thought I had died. | ||
| I had no idea what's going on. | ||
| My girlfriend was laying in bed, just seeing all the same shit, not feeling like she was dying. | ||
| She only had half of what I had. | ||
| She wasn't puking or anything. | ||
| But I was, I couldn't stop puking. | ||
| It was just, I had nothing in me. | ||
| I don't even know what I was puking. | ||
| And I thought I fucking died. | ||
| You know, it's fascinating when you talk about the big ones because I've never had big ones. | ||
| I've only had like little ones. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| But Dennis and Terrence McKenna, when they were in the Amazon in like the 1970s, this is when they started having their psychedelic adventures and they would go take the ayahuasca and eat the mushrooms. | ||
| They said the mushrooms are like dinner plates. | ||
| Like in the Amazon, these motherfuckers grow and they're like, you know, if you grow in a real fertile environment like that, that's one of the reasons why, look at the size of that. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Brian's holding one up, a picture of one. | ||
| Dude, that looks like a spaceship. | ||
| And then, yeah, look inside of it. | ||
| I zoomed in on it. | ||
| And that looks like a fucking, like, I don't know, like a whale or sperm or an eyeball. | ||
| It only makes sense that those big ones would be even stronger. | ||
| Like, what if they're stronger per ounce as well? | ||
| You know? | ||
| But then what I was going to say is Dennis McKenna went crazy for like two weeks. | ||
| He had some sort of a schizophrenic episode from the mushrooms and lost his marbles and was like gone for two weeks. | ||
| They don't know what happened or what. | ||
| They don't know exactly what you mean. | ||
| He eventually came back, but he was apparently just gone for like the longest time. | ||
| That's some scary shit, dude. | ||
| That was scary. | ||
| It was four hours of being inside of a salvia or a DMT trip and not a bathroom, which I thought where I was at. | ||
| And my girlfriend said out, she would walk in and I would be sitting like Buddha, like legs crossed, facing the wall, like two inches from a wall, just staring at it with my eyes open. | ||
| And then I would look at her and my eyes would be cross-eyed. | ||
| And then like I would turn back towards the wall. | ||
| And she says, she's like, I didn't know what, she's like, I thought you were mad. | ||
| She's like, you were just sitting there facing a wall or something. | ||
| I have no idea what the fuck that was about. | ||
| Well, you wouldn't, you had what's called a breakthrough experience. | ||
| You have what all those psychedelic freaks all really want to see. | ||
| You know, a lot of people will talk about they like to do mushrooms, but they never really have done mushrooms. | ||
| You don't really do mushrooms until you see what you saw. | ||
| What you did is have the full-blown experience. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why people talk about like, why do you make such a big deal? | ||
| They'll say to me, like, why do you make such a big deal about mushrooms? | ||
| Why do you make a big deal about DMT or the psychedelic experience? | ||
| Why do you make such a big deal out of it? | ||
| It's so infantile. | ||
| Well, I make a big deal about it because to me, it is a big deal. | ||
| What I've experienced, especially DMT, it's like, it's impossible. | ||
| It is impossible and it's impossibly beautiful and it's impossibly wise. | ||
| And after it's over, I feel like I'm a better person. | ||
| I feel like I learned something and I come back better and nicer and improved and more enlightened. | ||
| I mean, it sounds ridiculous. | ||
| I'm agreeing with you. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous hearing my own voice. | ||
| But god damn, that shit is important, you know? | ||
| And what you did, you know, you didn't know exactly how much to take. | ||
| And what if there was a shaman? | ||
| What if there was a center where you could go to? | ||
| And there's some fucking, you know, place in Malibu and there's some fucking people that have been doing it forever. | ||
| And Joey Diaz greets you at the door. | ||
| Come on in, cocksaka. | ||
| We got a room for you. | ||
| He's got his robe on and he takes you to the place and everybody does it correctly. | ||
| You know, what a beautiful world we could live in, man. | ||
| I'll tell you what, dog. | ||
| I started fucking With that shit when I was younger, and I was from the East Coast. | ||
| There was no fucking mushrooms, but I had these scientist kids that were like 30 when I was like 15, and they were scientists at East Stroud. | ||
| And every week they were into all this psychedelic and Sid Barrett and all this shit, and they would make stuff. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you, when I first started fucking around with acid, to me, it was just another way of getting fucked up, killing the pain. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I started doing acid before my mom died, and I started tripping up. | ||
| Like, I remember tripping to I was dead. | ||
| And I was on the way down. | ||
| But what's really fucked up was that that was just amazing. | ||
| But, you know, I started doing acid for the same reasons everybody else. | ||
| I didn't even learn about hallucinogenics and the alt button until years later. | ||
| Like when I did window pane in the eighth grade and I went to see the stones, I was mind-boggled. | ||
| What do you mean by the alt button? | ||
| You know, you made a very, you made one of the best ever correlations. | ||
| He said that doing DMT is like pressing the alt and delete for it. | ||
| Control-Alt-Delete. | ||
| Control-Alt-Delete. | ||
| It's like rebooting the world. | ||
| It's like rebooting the world. | ||
| And I remember being a kid and not just doing it to be high. | ||
| And then after my mother died, and then, you know, the years went by, I remember even six months, I started selling micro.acid. | ||
| And every week I'd pick up a different 500 hits or something, though, four-way acid. | ||
| I'd pick up. | ||
| And these guys were great. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| They tripped the right way. | ||
| They would take sheets for a weekend and go camping. | ||
| I would be petrified of staying out in the fucking wilderness for three days. | ||
| That wasn't. | ||
| They listened to like Zeppelin. | ||
| I mean, it was crazy. | ||
| Cook eggs on a campfire and shit. | ||
| That wasn't me. | ||
| Like, they had 100 hits one time. | ||
| Four of them took in four days on a camping trip. | ||
| And they had the pictures. | ||
| And it was just great, but it wasn't for me. | ||
| I wasn't ready. | ||
| But then after my mom died, I'd go into these psychosises. | ||
| Like, I couldn't figure out why an uncle wouldn't talk to me or something. | ||
| And that night on the way home, I knew that my uncle and me were always at war when I was a kid. | ||
| I'm just making an example. | ||
| There was just a problem. | ||
| Maybe a girl didn't like me or, you know, what killed my mother. | ||
| I always had a dilemma in my head. | ||
| When you're 16, you always want to know answers. | ||
| And I remember that I would take a hit of acid and go home and, you know, fucking come tripping like by one. | ||
| I'd be a junior in high school or sophomore. | ||
| But I knew that if I tripped by myself, that's when I got the full effect. | ||
| And I would go home and take a fucking hit of window pane or four-way acid, and I'd get speakers and I'd listen to like black sabotage or master reality, which just blows you out of the fucking water. | ||
| And I would, and at the end of the night, whatever problem I had, whatever inner problem I was thinking about that was really eating away at me, it'd be gone or solved. | ||
| Or at least soothed over, right? | ||
| It was soothed over. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| At least now I knew where I stood. | ||
| Don't you think that's why so many problem kids, so many troubled kids have this deep, deep connection to music? | ||
| You know, I mean, how many kids you see that are just all fucked up and they got long, crazy, greasy hair, but they got a shirt on of their favorite band and they're headed to that concert and their fucking life depends on this show being good. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, you're talking about like some really fucking dark and depressed people, but they love their music, man. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| When we were in Philadelphia, a kid I had met at the bitter end came up to me. | ||
| What's the bitter end? | ||
| The bitter end is a rock club. | ||
| I did a rock club the weekend. | ||
| Oh, you did that in New York, right? | ||
| And he came to me and he brought me a joint. | ||
| And he brought me a joint. | ||
| He was very nice. | ||
| And then in Philly, he came with his other friend. | ||
| He drove from New York City. | ||
| They go like to NYU. | ||
| And he came up to me and he said to me, hey, man, I'm thinking of doing mushrooms. | ||
| What should I do? | ||
| And I wanted to fucking reach over and smack him. | ||
| You know, in my mind, I'm like, you're that lost that you want to ask me what the fuck to do. | ||
| Well, if he's a young man. | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| This is more of the story. | ||
| I was 19, 20. | ||
| So I fucking talked about it, and then I emailed him. | ||
| We emailed each other. | ||
| And I really thought about it, his age and stuff. | ||
| And then I thought about when I was 16. | ||
| And I had no answers. | ||
| I had no answers. | ||
| I had no mother, no father, no Social Security check. | ||
| And all I wanted was answers. | ||
| All I wanted was help. | ||
| And I remember that all I would get my help was was from listening to Black Sabbath, doing a hit of acid, listening to music. | ||
| It always sued me. | ||
| I always thought I had a connection with Ozzy Osborne. | ||
| I was watching the 30 years after the Blizzard of Oz. | ||
| It was on VH1 yesterday. | ||
| Tremendous about how he left Sabbath and opened up this band with this Randy Rhodes and those songs. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| They were dumb fucking songs. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| But they made me go through at that period of my life. | ||
| So what difference is it making? | ||
| When people watch this podcast or they listen to this podcast, you know what, man? | ||
| We fill the same void for some people. | ||
| And I'm telling you this. | ||
| I didn't know this. | ||
| I didn't know how responsible you are when you do this. | ||
| When you talk and you say certain things about your feelings and your emotions, people jump onto you because they feel your pain or their admiration or their happiness. | ||
| And all of a sudden, you become a part of them and they become a part of you, man. | ||
| Because that's what happened to me. | ||
| As stupid as this may sound, you know it. | ||
| You had martial arts, your escape when you were a kid. | ||
| We all have to have some fucking escape when you're a kid, especially when you don't come from the fucking brainy bunch. | ||
| I think that one of the things that helps people with this podcast too, and I get a lot of emails and Twitters about it, is, you know, there's a lot of people that don't have anybody cool to hang out with. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And they're stuck. | ||
| They're stuck wherever the fuck they are. | ||
| And they need to know that there's people out there like this. | ||
| They need to know that they don't have to think the way that everybody else is thinking. | ||
| You can think positive, man. | ||
| You can be cool to people. | ||
| You can get the fuck out. | ||
| You know, don't blame the world. | ||
| Just get out. | ||
| I was leaving Jersey. | ||
| I knew when I was 16 I was leaving Jersey drunk broken. | ||
| I knew that. | ||
| I knew I had to go. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I knew it because it wasn't for me. | ||
| I didn't want to fuck Shnookie. | ||
| I thought there was something in Colorado. | ||
| I thought the answer, man, I thought there was something. | ||
| And I didn't know how to get there. | ||
| Don't even talk to me about Colorado. | ||
| I still want to. | ||
| This podcast is one of the things that's keeping me around for real. | ||
| This podcast, since we came back, that's what started it. | ||
| I came back from Colorado in November, and Brian and I started this thing in December. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| I needed something to do. | ||
| I was sick. | ||
| I was sick. | ||
| I was living in the woods on the top of a mountain. | ||
| And all of a sudden, here I am back in the fucking grind again. | ||
| I thought I escaped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Talking about Colorado, I gotta give a shout out to you. | ||
| That's too close to New Mexico, son. | ||
| When I first went to Colorado, I had problems. | ||
| You know, I was 19, 20. | ||
| I just wanted to live. | ||
| And I didn't know, but I had a friend who was going Let's all go together. | ||
| In Colorado Springs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was my Air Force. | ||
| He was in the Air Force Crow. | ||
| I didn't actually, well, I trained. | ||
| I went up there to watch the World Cup, and I got a chance to work out while I was up there. | ||
| So I technically trained at the Olympic Training Center, but I didn't train with the team. | ||
| I just was up there. | ||
| But he was inspirational for me. | ||
| He had gone to school there and got thrown out. | ||
| And now he was living in Aspen. | ||
| And he talked to me. | ||
| He's like, go out there. | ||
| They're shoveling snow. | ||
| And I didn't know. | ||
| So one day I went out and talked to my stepdad and I see this like distant cousin of mine. | ||
| He's like from cousins through like marriage. | ||
| And he's telling me, I'm like, dog, he's like, what are you going to do with your life? | ||
| I'm thinking of going to Colorado. | ||
| He's like, Colorado's the place to be. | ||
| I got a house in Aspen and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, where the fuck did you get money living in Aspen? | |
| You're a Cuban dude who plays Congress in a band. | ||
| He's like, yeah, dog, I got a house in Aspen next to Nicholson, bitch. | ||
| And I'm like, stop it. | ||
| So I said, I'm going to look your shit up. | ||
| Dog, don't fuck with me. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| I'll show up. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Dog, I get to Colorado. | ||
| I ask around. | ||
| I go, listen, I got to get up to Aspen to go to this Baroom Bell. | ||
| This is pre-cell phones, by the way. | ||
| This is pre-cell. | ||
| The idea is this hitchhiking up there. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, this is when you just hit so you can take the bus from Basalt to Aspen. | ||
| Did you hitch or did you take the bus? | ||
| In those days, there was a hitching post in Aspen and Basau. | ||
| Bro, the hitching post, I got more stories about you because there was a hitching post in Aspen. | ||
| Didn't you get picked up by one of the Eagles? | ||
| Fuck yeah, Don motherfucking Henley in the house. | ||
| Damn, I got picked up on the bottom of a snowmass by John Denver on the bottom going up for 4th of July. | ||
| And we just talked. | ||
| He picked me up in a brown Jeep. | ||
| Remember when they had the Eagles on the front? | ||
| Remember the old school? | ||
| The Jeeps used to have the Eagles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| He had an Eagles. | ||
| No, Colorado's the bomb. | ||
| Don Henley seems like a cool motherfucker. | ||
| Dog picked me up in a truck and I kept saying, dog, I fucking know you. | ||
| And he kept saying, no, you don't. | ||
| And then he was recommending me for something or something. | ||
| Like, he was like, I'll tell you where the restaurant is. | ||
| And he moved shit over and he had a checkbook and I said, Don Henley Construction Company. | ||
| I go, motherfucker. | ||
| And his big song was at that time it was the first single album that he put on Dirty Laundry. | ||
| That's how long ago that was. | ||
| That was fucking Dirty Laundry, motherfucking day. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Did you have to suck his dick? | ||
| No, he was very nice. | ||
| I have never hitchhiked. | ||
| I could never do that shit, man. | ||
| This is not hitchhiking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's terrifying. | |
| Listen, this is Aspen, Colorado, guys. | ||
| Circa, 1983. | ||
| They didn't even have cable television then. | ||
| There was nothing but white people. | ||
| Cable television. | ||
| The leader up there at the time, they had a one-channel, channel two, and all they did was play Charles Bronson movies because he lived up there. | ||
| They would play Mr. Majestic and something else to the end. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| And it was just so. | ||
| I was telling you about this dude, Tweety. | ||
| His name was Tweety while I was growing up. | ||
| And he's like, dog, look me up when you go out there. | ||
| I get to Basal, boom, I get a ride up to fucking Maroon Bells. | ||
| When I'm in Maroon Bells, I walk, I walk, I walk. | ||
| It's fucking far. | ||
| I get to his house. | ||
| He's got a gorgeous house. | ||
| There's a fucking Mercedes in the driveway. | ||
| I ring the bell. | ||
| Is Tweety here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Tweety. | ||
| Oh, you're talking about Robert. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Robert comes out with a robe. | ||
| He invites me in. | ||
| He's like, come on. | ||
| Where's he getting all this money? | ||
| Listen, I don't ask no questions. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| In those days, I didn't ask no questions. | ||
| I had gone to his wedding when he married into my distant type of Cuban family. | ||
| So he has this house. | ||
| So we're there, and all of a sudden, I would go up there like once a weekend and party with him. | ||
| I party, but like cook, and we talk about Cuban shit. | ||
| And one day he's like, come here for a second. | ||
| Look down there. | ||
| Look who's sunbathing down there. | ||
| Sure enough, bitch, it was Jack Nicholson with three little fucking blonde hoes. | ||
| I was a kid from New York City. | ||
| I'm like, in Aspen? | ||
| In Aspen. | ||
| This is Maroon Bells. | ||
| This is one of the prettiest spots in the world. | ||
| They say Maroon Bells, Colorado. | ||
| It's just fucking glorious. | ||
| Jack Nicholson must have killed it before TMZ. | ||
| This is 80 fucking three. | ||
| He still had hair. | ||
| Pre-Batman and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Is this pre-Batman? | ||
| Is this pre-the fucking yeah, but not Batman. | ||
| Where's the crazy movie in Colorado? | ||
| He had done those or what movie? | ||
| What the fuck is it called? | ||
| Flow of the Cuckoo's News? | ||
| No, no, the one, the horror movie, the Stephen King movie. | ||
| Oh, the Shiny. | ||
| The Shiny. | ||
| Is it pre-designing? | ||
| Coast. | ||
| This is why he fell in love with Colorado. | ||
| Once you go up to those mountains and they pay you up there, you're like, I can live here. | ||
| So fuck. | ||
| And I kept visiting him, and he would say to me, dog, meet me up at Galena Street. | ||
| Galena Street's the biggest street in Aspen. | ||
| I go up there. | ||
| He had a store named Far East Treasures. | ||
| They had one carpet in there. | ||
| I swear to God, every time I go up there, they had one fucking carpet in there. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| One fucking carpet in there. | ||
| So, to make a long story short, he would come and pick me up in Basalt. | ||
| We were like distant cousins. | ||
| We became friends. | ||
| I introduced him to my friends and shit. | ||
| So one day we're on fucking, I'm living in Snowmass now. | ||
| This is like four months later, and I hadn't seen Tweedy in like two months. | ||
| And all of a sudden, my buddy got a call. | ||
| And they're like, dog, dog, put on CS, whatever, too. | ||
| They had two channels done in Aspen. | ||
| I think, I don't want to insult you, dog, but there's been some problems, and you got to see. | ||
| I think this is the dude that says he's your cousin. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That dude that lives in Maroon Bells. | ||
| You got to see this shit. | ||
| So all of a sudden, I put on the fucking TV and they go, back to what happened today in Aspen, Colorado. | ||
| A DEA agent caught with a guy in the air. | ||
| And they show this airplane and they show a DEA plane behind them. | ||
| And they show bales of cocaine going, getting thrown out the fucking guy. | ||
| And they show this guy. | ||
| And I'm like, fucking Tweety. | ||
| So Tweety was a DEA agent? | ||
| No, Tweety was a dealer. | ||
| The DEA agent was chasing him on the plane. | ||
| He's on the fucking plane waving and shit, throwing up gang singles, throwing kilos out of the fucking plane. | ||
| I see this. | ||
| I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My head's about to explode. | |
| I call my stepfather. | ||
| He's like, you didn't fucking know that. | ||
| He's big time. | ||
| I'm like, come on. | ||
| And I'm like, bro, he lives next to Nicholson. | ||
| He must be doing something. | ||
| So I go home. | ||
| I never seen Tweety again. | ||
| Thursday night, I go to Flappers with my boy. | ||
| I talked about it on stage. | ||
| I'm outside. | ||
| These two guys come up to me. | ||
| You want to smoke a bone? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| We walked across the street, started smoking a bone. | ||
| They're like, dog, you must know our uncle Tweety. | ||
| I grew up with Tweedy. | ||
| He's like, dog, Tweety always, whatever, says if we knew you, I go, dog, Tweety's out of jail. | ||
| They go, he just got. | ||
| He's 17 fucking years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
17 years for trafficking. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Did they get all his money? | ||
| Oh, he's working at a supermarket. | ||
| It's a tragic, you know, it's the American dream, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| From gangster to bagger. | ||
| Someone needs to find that dude and get a fucking Martin Scorsese script written. | ||
| And when you're fucking. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But they played that video. | ||
| It became, in those days, there was no webpage. | ||
| It became a viral television thing. | ||
| Like, the war on drugs continues today. | ||
| Look at this video from Aspen Crowds. | ||
| So he was throwing it out of the plane. | ||
| He was thrown out of the fucking plane. | ||
| And they were being chased. | ||
| They're being chased. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a complete different level of drug dealer. | ||
| There was a lot of those guys. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys that made it very, very high up. | ||
| And they always maintain these celebrity connections. | ||
| They always maintain these weird, weird network of movie star friends. | ||
| And I mean, that's always the case. | ||
| In Cocaine Cowboys, didn't they talk about that in Cocaine Cowboys? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| No, it was a different one. | ||
| It was another documentary where they talk about how these drug dealers love to be around celebrities. | ||
| And, you know, it kind of makes them feel like they're legit. | ||
| They can be around Jack Nicholson, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're around Jack Nicholson, maybe it was. | |
| With the black dudes from Atlanta. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not only they were just paying for celebrities to come hang out with them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They were just calling up your agents. | ||
| How much for Joe Rogan to come to this motherfucking small hanging with us? | ||
| Tell him $50,000. | ||
| We'll give him $75,000. | ||
| Get his ass here Friday night. | ||
| Do you do, you ever do like corporate gigs where some corporation asks you to show up and do stand-up? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I do one a year and I bombing. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| They're all death. | ||
| John Heffron does a lot of them. | ||
| He tends to like him. | ||
| He always gets a lot of fun. | ||
| He's a killer. | ||
| He's a killer for that stuff, though. | ||
| His act is perfect. | ||
| His act is hilarious, but squeaky clean. | ||
| You know, John Heffron is the perfect guy for any corporate thing. | ||
| Heffron came up with a new idea. | ||
| You know, I don't know if we should, I can't say it because it'd be giving up his idea. | ||
| But he's going to teach comedy to people to help their businesses. | ||
| He's going to help them. | ||
| I don't want to say anymore because it's his idea. | ||
| One of those weird things happened the other day. | ||
| We had a guy named Carlos on one of our Death Squad shows the other day. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His name is Carlos Herena. | ||
| I'm saying his last name wrong. | ||
| Haria. | ||
| Carlos. | ||
| I can't spell it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
H-E-R-R-E-R-A. | |
| Carlos Herreria? | ||
| Herrera. | ||
| I can never say his last name. | ||
| Anyways, we Yeah, well, what we did is we had a show where we had all these people do Salvia. | ||
| Ari Shafir did Salvia. | ||
| We have them on tomorrow, but so we'll talk about how to do it. | ||
| And then we had a couple other people that never did Salvia. | ||
| One person was Allison. | ||
| We had her on the podcast a while back, Allison Shula. | ||
| And out of nowhere, I haven't talked to her in months. | ||
| I just thought, hey, I'm going to call Allison up. | ||
| So she comes over and we have Carlos on. | ||
| And the reason why we had Carlos on is because he was one of the guys responsible making this thing called The Mostly Normal Show presents the outing of a joke thief. | ||
| See, what happened is there's this guy that we had talked about named Mitch. | ||
| Mitch Malini. | ||
| Mitch Malini. | ||
| He was a really nice guy who died a few years back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So he died, and this guy has taken his act joke by joke. | ||
| And it wasn't even like he just took the joke out of it. | ||
| He actually watched a video of it and memorized how the guy did it. | ||
| Like almost like an actor. | ||
| It's so creepy to watch. | ||
| So these guys, they kind of... | ||
| I would rather not play this on the show. | ||
| Oh, no, we won't play it. | ||
| The people can check it out, but this is how crazy this is. | ||
| I mean, the video is identical from the two people. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Like, it's crazy. | ||
| But the weird thing is, remember when Allison was on and we had talked about being an open mic comic and how a lot of these guys are doing these tricks. | ||
| And one of the things that Allison was talking about is how this guy wanted her to pay $100 in order to do five minutes in the belly room. | ||
| And she was going to do that because she thought that's what you had to do to be an open mic comic. | ||
| $100? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This guy was scamming her. | ||
| Found out that during that episode of the Salvia video, found out this is the same guy, the joke thief guy, that was scamming her out of money and other open comics out of money. | ||
| She's lucky. | ||
| She paid $100. | ||
| I had girls sucking my dick and giving me Coke from Chewy. | ||
| You think I'm fucking kidding you? | ||
| Fuck, yeah, you gotta suck my dick to get up in the belly room. | ||
| I'm gonna make a call for you. | ||
| That's the fucking gateway into coming to Hollywood. | ||
| Everybody knows that. | ||
| How many girls did you have to do that? | ||
| Oh, 20 of them. | ||
| I had this little blind, open-miced chick dog that used to come up to the comedy store with a 20 and just take me up to the belly room and suck my dick, then go do her set. | ||
| She was tremendous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She finally freaked out. | ||
| When she got to Hollywood, bro, she was beautiful. | ||
| And when she left, she had dirty fucking, her nails were dirty. | ||
| And then a year later, she wrote me a letter to the comedy store. | ||
| You cock supper, you broke me. | ||
| I kept shooting sperm balls in her fucking earbar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time she went down, barrier, palapinga. | |
| It ain't broken until somebody fixes it. | ||
| What is that picture you're showing me? | ||
| This is the picture of the guy that stole the comics, and he, look what he's reading. | ||
| He's reading The Idiot's Guide to Comedy Writing? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Listen, man, that dude's living in his own hell. | ||
| There's no need to out that guy. | ||
| It's obviously all out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck him. | |
| But check it out. | ||
| It's a really shocking video, Joe. | ||
| You would actually like, I didn't really want to watch it, but I didn't. | ||
| I didn't want to watch it because Mitch was a friend of mine. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| I got to go to the store on the joke with this. | ||
| This poor fuck, what this guy is, is just some guy who thinks he can slither into this world. | ||
| You know, it's like we were talking about earlier. | ||
| There's comics, and there's people who think they could figure out a way to be a comic. | ||
| You know, look, we all wannabes. | ||
| We're all wannabes in the beginning. | ||
| But eventually, you either embrace the art form or you don't. | ||
| Everybody in the beginning is a fraud. | ||
| Everyone in the beginning is pretending. | ||
| You're make-believing you're a comedian. | ||
| And some people think that this is the way to do it. | ||
| This guy's an idiot. | ||
| He's probably been, you hear about the $100 thing. | ||
| He's probably been running his whole life like that. | ||
| Just one scam after the next. | ||
| I would never ask for $100. | ||
| A blowjob is legit. | ||
| That's known. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's known. | ||
| A blowjob. | ||
| $100 is bad. | ||
| And right when you shoot it, I am become death. | ||
| If you believe by sucking a dick, you're going to get on stage. | ||
| Shame on you. | ||
| But sometimes, if they buy it, I got to take the fucking risk. | ||
| Listen, they did get on stage. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| If you believe, that's how you got them on stage. | ||
| They sucked your dick. | ||
| You did put them on stage. | ||
| So why wouldn't they believe it? | ||
| I'll never forget that blonde girl. | ||
| The first time I told her, dog, I was like, she came up on a Friday night. | ||
| She's like, Joey, I know you know people. | ||
| And I looked her straight to the face as a joke. | ||
| And I go, dog, you're going to have to suck. | ||
| No, I said to her, I didn't even say suck dick, to be honest. | ||
| I said, I get you on stage. | ||
| We have to work. | ||
| And she goes, what do you mean? | ||
| And I go, we're going to put you to work. | ||
| You have to do something. | ||
| You got to do something. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And right away, they know. | ||
| They know there's a fucking cost at the gate. | ||
| They even look at you like with those puppets. | ||
| And she even looked at me and goes, I'm not really good at it. | ||
| You have to teach me. | ||
| She fell herself for it. | ||
| They go for themselves. | ||
| They know. | ||
| They're told that that's comedy 101. | ||
| But everybody suffers. | ||
| But doesn't it make it even better when a girl says that? | ||
| You're going to have to teach me. | ||
| Yeah, it was hysterical. | ||
| Oh, goddamn. | ||
| We're just willing to learn. | ||
| Chewy gave us 720s for 100. | ||
| Went back to her house and I taught her at the house. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| Remember, she had a period, but I went to eat her asshole tissue paper. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I just said, keep sucking my dick. | ||
| I can't handle that muffler. | ||
| It was like five in the morning. | ||
| And at that point, I'm getting all fucked up, you are. | ||
| You know, I wouldn't eat your little pussy if you had a period, but I'll lick your asshole just for entertainment. | ||
| So I go whack off on your neck or something. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| I go to look at a little muffler just to see if we can get the party started. | ||
| And she had like a little crumble. | ||
| Like it was just not even like a strip, but it was like a little crumble. | ||
| A dingleberry. | ||
| Like not even, it wasn't a dingleberry. | ||
| It's like somebody shot a spitball in their asshole. | ||
| But missed. | ||
| And it was just dangling there. | ||
| It just killed me, dog. | ||
| I was like, I can't even eat her ass. | ||
| She got to suck my dick the whole night. | ||
| And I had a man to work with Paul Rajigas the next day. | ||
| And Mark Babbitt picked me up like at 8 in the morning. | ||
| How you doing, man? | ||
| Did you get a good night's sleep? | ||
| Oh, yeah, sure. | ||
| Fuck, I had to get a cock sucker. | ||
| I'm going to get my stick sucked and my balls licked. | ||
| That's Comedy Store 101 in the old days, Joe Roger. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| A bunch of shit happened since we stopped doing the podcast in the last two weeks. | ||
| One of them is the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. | ||
| God damn, is this one of the craziest fucking stories ever? | ||
| Arnold Schwarzenegger, apparently, was not just fucking this lady, this housekeeper. | ||
| Oh, what did he do? | ||
| But he tried to fuck her mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, he groped her mom and he groped her sister. | ||
| They all worked for him. | ||
| And those bitches were like, get out of here. | ||
| And then he groped that one lady and she's like, oh, come on, give me some of that Conan dick. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Was the mom potter? | ||
| Because it had to be. | ||
| They were all going to come out of the house. | ||
| I don't think it matters. | ||
| I think he's one of those dudes. | ||
| And, you know, Ryan Parsons said it best. | ||
| I was hanging out doing the movie with Ryan, who's one of the best coaches in MMA. | ||
| And he's Mayhem Miller's coach. | ||
| And he's a smart dude. | ||
| He breaks things down. | ||
| And we were talking about Arnold. | ||
| And he goes, you know what, man? | ||
| He goes, I'm not surprised at all. | ||
| He goes, he was a professional bodybuilder. | ||
| And I was like, you're right. | ||
| Like, don't a lot of those guys do a lot of gay shit because they need money. | ||
| And apparently gay dudes will pay bodybuilders ridiculous. | ||
| He goes like, oh, yeah. | ||
| He goes, especially back in the 70s, he goes, they were all sucking rich guys, conscious college. | ||
| I was talking about Arnold. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He said, I used to dress up in a Batman suit and go to fucking rich white parties and shit with a little mask on. | ||
| I don't think he would even have a problem. | ||
| You know, he was so weird. | ||
| You know, like, remember when he did pumping iron? | ||
| And he started, man, I'm always coming. | ||
| Every time I have a pump, a pump is like coming. | ||
| So I'm always pumped. | ||
| I'm always coming. | ||
| I'm coming all the time. | ||
| Like, just the fact that he would think that it's cool to just like talk about just shooting loads all the time. | ||
| In 1978 or whatever the fuck it was, he's doing this documentary about bodybuilding. | ||
| And here's this dude with a little fucking banana hammock on talking about calming. | ||
| I'm coming all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't tweet. | |
| Like, he's weird, man. | ||
| He's a freak. | ||
| He's a freak. | ||
| And then Jane Seymour comes out and says that he's apparently got a bunch of little love children. | ||
| A bunch of them. | ||
| I guarantee he's got about eight of them. | ||
| He's just a savage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just shooting those barbarian loads into women. | |
| That D-ball from the 70s. | ||
| That shit makes them Germans go crazy. | ||
| That's what killed Hitler. | ||
| That's what made Hitler go fucking bananas. | ||
| That D-ball. | ||
| That D-ball. | ||
| What's that other shit from the 70s that used to just swell your shit up? | ||
| See, now they got refined steroids that don't make you a fucking savage. | ||
| Well, Arnold was legendary for doing everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They always talk about how whatever anybody was doing, Arnold was taking shit to the next level. | ||
| D-ball, fucking. | ||
| He even shot fucking Lance Armstrong and shit, that motherfucker. | ||
| You seen it. | ||
| He had Lance Armstrong suck his shit. | ||
| Lance, you're doing it all wrong. | ||
| You don't need nuts and berries. | ||
| You don't need this. | ||
| I've never heard a nice thing about Lance Armstrong. | ||
| And when I seen that thing on 60 Minutes, all I kept thinking about was it couldn't happen to a fucking nicer guy. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what, in Austin, when we go to Austin, we never hear nothing but shitty things about him. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't. | ||
| I've heard nothing. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| He did something in L.A. He did something to somebody I know in L.A. Something shitty at a restaurant, something happened. | ||
| You talk to the wrong people, you can get shitty stories about the nicest people. | ||
| I bet somewhere out there, Henry Winkler, there's some asshole with a shitty Henry Winkler story. | ||
| It's just if you deal with sheer numbers. | ||
| But, you know, if you deal like most people you talk to and they say, oh, I met Randy Couture. | ||
| Oh, he's such a nice guy, isn't he? | ||
| Like, most people will tell you that. | ||
| But a few, every now and then you get some one dude that was probably annoying as fuck and came up to Randy and tried to get him in a short time. | ||
| You would inside my picture at the restaurant. | ||
| You interrupted him while he's eating dinner or something or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| And so then you'll get a shitty Randy Couture story. | ||
| But I never heard a good Lance Armstrong story. | ||
| Every time we were in Austin, we were all hearing it from waiters and waitresses and people that know people that ran into him. | ||
| It was never good. | ||
| You know, to be that dude, to be a one dude who pretends that he's the one who wasn't doing shit when everyone else is doing it. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I love when they get nailed, dog. | ||
| Have some fucking dignity. | ||
| Be a fucking man. | ||
| Now he don't know. | ||
| He wants to stand behind the paperwork. | ||
| Yes and no, because there's a big business behind all this shit. | ||
| Oh, sure, shit. | ||
| There was a lot of people that knew he was doing things. | ||
| One of the things in the 60 Minutes documentary about it, the 60 Minutes coverage of it, they say that he tested positive for EPO at one point in time. | ||
| And then after he tested positive, he donated money to this blood scanning foundation that busts people for fucking testing positive for shit. | ||
| He donated like 25 grand, and then he donated another 100 grand in the future. | ||
| But I mean, that's a payoff, man. | ||
| That's like a direct if this guy was really doing EPO and all the other dudes, they're busting them left and right. | ||
| They all have to come clean and they have to tell only the truth because if they get caught with anything, then their immunity goes out the window. | ||
| So they give them a limited amount of immunity. | ||
| They tell them, we want to know every fucking thing that happened. | ||
| And if you lie about one thing, you're going to jail. | ||
| Your immunity's gone. | ||
| You're going to jail for everything you've already admitted to. | ||
| So that's 25 fucking years. | ||
| You believe that shit doing steroids. | ||
| I'm sorry, because I made a joke and I got 25 emails from people. | ||
| Hey, fat ass, he wasn't doing steroids. | ||
| He was doing tests Or whatever. | ||
| You know what, bitch? | ||
| He was still cheap. | ||
| That's like me telling you I wasn't doing heroin, I was doing Coke. | ||
| It's the same fucking difference. | ||
| I think they all do it, though. | ||
| I think in that sport, I think in that sport, they have to. | ||
| I don't think, you know. | ||
| Do they test you? | ||
| And you're not supposed to do it, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they blood dope as well. | ||
| Instead of taking just the EPO, they blood dope. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| I mean, they've been doing that. | ||
| You can't catch people. | ||
| We have a right and a wrong sometimes in life, and sometimes for fucking riding the bike, you got to do this shit. | ||
| This guy's head somewhere. | ||
| You know, I don't think they should arrest Barry Bonds now after he retired two years ago now and break his balls. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| And what did they get Barry Bonds on? | ||
| They got him on some real minor shit, like lying, right? | ||
| What are we talking about? | ||
| You're talking about they'll hang with you with something. | ||
| If they want to get you, they'll find something. | ||
| Yeah, they get you on perjury, right? | ||
| Even if you lie, who's going to tell me the truth? | ||
| Can I talk to you in the other room? | ||
| Listen, I got 19 fucking sponsorships, all right? | ||
| One of them is a Catholic church. | ||
| You want it, oh, a Christian church, and the other one's Gatorade. | ||
| You want to ask me if I do steroids on a fucking camera. | ||
| What do you want me to tell you? | ||
| What do you want me to tell you? | ||
| I got millions of fucking stake here. | ||
| What do you want me to tell you? | ||
| It's not perjury. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| You don't want me in the Hall of Fame? | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| I got a pension and I got money coming. | ||
| But you're going to waste taxpayers' money to take Barry Bonds to court. | ||
| Who did he hurt? | ||
| It is interesting, though. | ||
| You got to think that if these guys are doing shit that's dangerous for their body, and you know, it is kind of dangerous, especially the guys that go deep. | ||
| You go Arnold Schwarzenegger levels, you know, you go to like pro wrestling levels where those giant fucking dudes, that's dangerous as fuck. | ||
| Like you're, you're, you're really overclocking on your body. | ||
| How old is Arnold? | ||
| It's true, 60-something. | ||
| He's still here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| True for him being here, but he also open-heart surgery. | ||
| Right, but there's 10 guys that are gone. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Every time you, listen, anytime you do a bump of cocaine, a mushroom, a fucking five-hour energy, a steroid, you're always going in that area. | ||
| You're always 50-50. | ||
| Pushing the body. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| You're pushing the body. | ||
| So 50%. | ||
| 50% is going to do it. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| I did Coke for 30 years. | ||
| The basketball player from Boston didn't line and had a heart attack. | ||
| We're all different. | ||
| You say it the best. | ||
| Some guy, the jaw just has a certain number. | ||
| The head just has a certain number. | ||
| It could be five shots to the head that you brain, or it could be 190. | ||
| Yeah, it depends on if you're Samoan. | ||
| Well, it depends on anything. | ||
| We don't know that number, but once you get down, whether it's the steroids or whether it's any of that shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| Yeah, it's all, look, I'm a personal freedom person, but I also think that, man, if a kid wants to be a cyclist, he shouldn't have to take some shit that might give him a stroke. | ||
| And the only way to win, if you're going to have a bunch of dudes who are on EPO, and EPO can give you strokes. | ||
| I don't know how many people have died from it, but I assume it's got to be a few. | ||
| And it is dangerous. | ||
| I know people that have told me they know people who took it, you know, guys that are professional cyclists, and they detailed how difficult and dangerous it was and how they would have to wake up in the middle of the night and do cardio. | ||
| They would have to get up and go ride their bike because their heart would be fucking pounding because their blood's too thick because they have all this shit in their body that makes them make an abnormal amount of red blood cells. | ||
| So on the plus side, you carry all this oxygen, but on the downside, man, if you don't work out all the time, you could die. | ||
| Like you could have a fucking stroke, man. | ||
| So these dudes would, he was a cyclist and he was staying on a bus and he said you would hear him at 2-3 in the morning and you would know who was on EPO because those are the guys who would get up and they would and you would hear their bike, you would hear them disconnect their bike and go riding. | ||
| 2-3 in the morning, man. | ||
| They had to do it. | ||
| If you don't do it, you're going to die. | ||
| So on one hand, I believe in personal freedom. | ||
| Then on the other hand, I go, well, you know, you got to let people know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You can't make it so that only the guys at the top are taking this shit and lying about taking it. | ||
| That does become a problem. | ||
| If you say, hey, look, we all take it. | ||
| Everybody takes it. | ||
| It's a part of the world of cyclists and it's been there forever. | ||
| Then you expose light on it and then you got to figure out what, if anything, you can do about it. | ||
| But it is a dangerous thing. | ||
| You know, you're telling kids that want to be athletes that they have to do this shit. | ||
| You know, there's no way around it. | ||
| Any professional sport today, there's got to be something involved with this sports. | ||
| Or supreme genetics. | ||
| Supreme genetics. | ||
| You can have a guy like John Jones who just has magnificent genetics, and he doesn't need anything. | ||
| Or, you know, there's other guys that are built like that too, or, you know, or similar. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of guys who don't need anything. | ||
| They just have awesome genetics. | ||
| I don't care what you do as long as you're a professional athlete. | ||
| I know the stresses of being a professional athlete, especially football. | ||
| Once you're there, the pressure is amazing. | ||
| Every year, they're rooking people, even in the UFC now. | ||
| You watch Rampage the other night, but then you got my man Rick Story and another young kid that are coming into the UFC. | ||
| They're 20, half away, whatever. | ||
| You know, people come on every once in a while. | ||
| But also, kids that come in, that pop, that piss hot, they get rid of them. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm not talking about pissing out on anything. | ||
| What I'm saying is that it's very tough to not want to stay at your sharpest. | ||
| But if you do steroids, guess what? | ||
| You did steroids. | ||
| There's no way of retracting them. | ||
| So do me a favor. | ||
| Figure out a way that when you make that first fucking statement, you can end it instead of dragging it on for fucking 10 years. | ||
| Figure out a way. | ||
| What do you got to say? | ||
| You got to say nothing. | ||
| Don't hit me with a story that the guy shot it into your heart because I'm too intelligent for that one. | ||
| Tell me anything, but don't tell me that. | ||
| And that's what I'm sick of right now at this point in my life. | ||
| Tell me something. | ||
| Don't hide. | ||
| Don't get depressed. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You got busted. | ||
| Get the fucking cameras and let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Diago Silva had some non-human piss. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| That motherfucker showed up with piss from Brazil. | ||
| Kevin Rannaman was the first guy to do that. | ||
| Kevin Rannaman had a rubber dick. | ||
| He used a rubber dick. | ||
| Did he, really? | ||
| Non-human urine. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Has he been? | ||
| Have you heard anything from him lately? | ||
| He's kind of retired. | ||
| But he fought recently, real recently, and lost. | ||
| I love people who think they're going to beat a urine test. | ||
| I'm going to go to the bathroom. | ||
| Kevin Ranaman was awesome in his prime. | ||
| You know why I love those fucking clowns? | ||
| Because I was one of them. | ||
| I always thought I was going to beat the system. | ||
| Beat the system. | ||
| I used to drink vinegar. | ||
| That would be it. | ||
| So I would snort Coke Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| Listen to me now. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Listen to what addiction does on any level. | ||
| I used to do an eight ball on Friday, eight ball on Saturday. | ||
| And then they would have to test me on Monday for federal probation or Wednesday or Friday. | ||
| I could make the piss test Wednesday, but there's no way I can make the piss test. | ||
| There's rock candy coming out of his dick. | ||
| So I would fucking vinegar-flavored rock candy. | ||
| I would go and get white distilled vinegar with a bottle of Gatorade, and I'd be eating cranberries while I'd be doing this shit. | ||
| I'd drink the whole thing of vinegar, the whole thing of Gatorade, keep this all day. | ||
| Where did you learn this? | ||
| This is the stories on this. | ||
| This is all the analogies you learn from people in your reading. | ||
| At that time, there was no internet joke. | ||
| So then I failed that time. | ||
| So then I came up with another idea. | ||
| So how many days had it been you did Coke Friday and something? | ||
| if you do Coke on a Friday and you have a test on a Monday, you're going down. | ||
| But if you wait till Wednesday, you're good. | ||
| It's 72 hours. | ||
| It's 72 hours and you can't flush it out. | ||
| I can't flush it out. | ||
| It's some magnetic fucking correlation. | ||
| Weed is 30 days, but if you keep your normal level, like if you just hit two hits off a joint and go to a gym, I did it, dog. | ||
| They won't catch it. | ||
| There can't be nothing in your system. | ||
| You can't show up now and then a month. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I can go if at that time, all I needed weed was to go to the gym. | ||
| How do you think Nick Diaz is doing it? | ||
| Dog, he wrestles every day. | ||
| You do jiu-jitsu every day. | ||
| Just sweats out of you. | ||
| You cannot do 50 bongh hits. | ||
| You're adding a fat to a story. | ||
| You cannot do 50 bomb hits, but you can do two bong hits and keep it under the level. | ||
| I ate a lot of bagels. | ||
| I do whatever. | ||
| But hold on about Nick Diaz. | ||
| Forget about Nick Diaz. | ||
| That's poppy seeds, though, bagels. | ||
| Poppy seeds. | ||
| That's for heroin, bro. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| But they're still. | ||
| You still can take it to coin with those days. | ||
| But the funny thing was, I figured I'm smarter than these motherfuckers. | ||
| Forget about drinking. | ||
| I'm going to take my uncircumcised dick and I'm going to pull the skin back and I'm going to put byproducts in there. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Sit down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye products? | |
| Sit down, bitch, because you know what about Joey Diaz suit of 1987. | ||
| Byproducts. | ||
| What is he byproducts in? | ||
| In my mind, I thought it out and I said to myself, what kills piss on contact? | ||
| You got Clorox, but I can't sneak that into my dick. | ||
| Clorox. | ||
| So I said, what's the next best thing to kill piss? | ||
| So I figured out pool cleaner. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So I went to my buddy's house and we had a pool. | ||
| You know those big things that used to have chlorine? | ||
| And I grinded that mother. | ||
| Chlorine. | ||
| I grinded that motherfucker. | ||
| I grinded that motherfucker like a fucking gram of blow to a powder. | ||
| And I took my little skin on my helmet and I pulled my dick back just before I went into probation and I dipped my dick in there. | ||
| It didn't hurt. | ||
| And I just poured all the whole fucking thing on my dick. | ||
| And I pulled the skin over it and I tied like a rubber band at the end of it. | ||
| This is what addiction makes you do, Brian. | ||
| I walk into probation. | ||
| Are you ready to piss Mr. DS? | ||
| I take that dick out and I pop that skin back and all that volcano dust goes in there and the thing starts breathing on his own. | ||
| I put the cap on it. | ||
| The thing is on his desk and you can see it. | ||
| My fucking you could see it like shaking. | ||
| I'm like, I gotta get out of there. | ||
| He's like, oh, great to see you. | ||
| He put it in. | ||
| Do you know what, bitch? | ||
| I still came back positive. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Now, here's the clinker of the clinker. | ||
| This is when you know you're fucking crazy. | ||
| Then the last thing I figured was Drano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'll take Drano. | ||
| What do you mean you'll drink it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, can't they detect like Drano in your dick? | |
| Listen to me. | ||
| No, listen to me. | ||
| The chlorine, the next day didn't hurt. | ||
| I went right to the halfway house and washed my dick off. | ||
| But the next day I went to piss and my dick was like one of those piss was coming out of everywhere. | ||
| I had like four holes in my helmet. | ||
| Yeah, I had like, it would just broke. | ||
| It was like a fucking thing. | ||
| So I came back positive for that one. | ||
| Little holes that burnt right through my helmet. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| At this point, fuck it. | ||
| Bring on the blow, Jack. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So I came back positive. | ||
| They made me go to a rehab that time. | ||
| Not a check-in, but one that you give them a grand and you go three to six and you sign papers. | ||
| And listen, what I got to do with therapy. | ||
| Here's 20 bucks. | ||
| I'll be back on that one. | ||
| Nobody even talks. | ||
| They just want their grand up front. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| You don't even know that. | ||
| That's what a rehab is? | ||
| At that time, this was Boulder. | ||
| This was $1,800. | ||
| I got a grant from the state. | ||
| It cost me $400, but it kept me out of jail for that. | ||
| So you don't have to actually be there? | ||
| Nah, you just go from three to six at night. | ||
| You tell me you got a day job. | ||
| It was tremendous. | ||
| So this last time, they get me again for blow. | ||
| I know they're going to fucking sink me. | ||
| So this time I said, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to plan the one I heard. | ||
| I heard Drano. | ||
| So I took Drano and I poured it on my dick, dog. | ||
| Oh, my. | ||
| And I went down there again. | ||
| I fucking pissed with the Drano. | ||
| And this time, dog, the thing was turning red right in front of me. | ||
| You could see the thing going up and down in the piss. | ||
| And about four days later, I get a call. | ||
| Mr. Diaz, can you come down to probation? | ||
| I thought they were going to handcuff me at probation. | ||
| I get there and there's a car. | ||
| There's a probation officer and the chick. | ||
| There was a chick that really liked me. | ||
| She goes, I don't know what you did, but you fucking broke the machine this time. | ||
| I really literally broke the testing thing they had. | ||
| They couldn't even, they didn't know what was in my system. | ||
| Because you had Drano. | ||
| Drano. | ||
| Tydropper goes, but where was the, you put the Drano on your dick? | ||
| On my dis. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| Doesn't it eat right through your dick? | ||
| I mean, it eats. | ||
| Bro, I just had chlorine the day before. | ||
| I just had chlorine the day before. | ||
| At this point, I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I was living like a pimp, bitch. | ||
| Yo, you know what? | ||
| Taking rubber. | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
| This is the next day after you had chlorine on your dream? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is about a month later. | ||
| It had a heel. | ||
| I had sores on there. | ||
| It looked like fucking Beirut. | ||
| Because you said the day before I got confused. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| But it was funny that they nailed me. | ||
| They were like, Joey, we know you had Coke, but we can't prove it in court. | ||
| But how do they know you had Coke then? | ||
| Because whatever I had in my dick broke the fucking. | ||
| But I gotta think Dreeno. | ||
| You sure it was real Drino? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I brought it from the fucking flea market. | ||
| Yeah, it was real fucking Draino. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think Drino, like, it breaks down like my fucking helmet. | |
| His girlfriend unclogged his girlfriend's throat. | ||
| I'm gonna say something, dog. | ||
| My dick was rare for a fucking month and a half. | ||
| Let's not get away with this shit. | ||
| My dick was rare. | ||
| You know, when you pee and it goes on your helmet, it would sting me. | ||
| Eddie Bravo on a Thursday. | ||
| That's how bad this sickness was. | ||
| The saddest moments in your life is when your dick is sore. | ||
| There's something wrong with your dick, and you realize, what have I done? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with me? | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Beat off until I got blisters on my dick. | ||
| Act like a sick dog. | ||
| I've done that like three times in my life. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| Fucking, the other day I scraped my nail against my dick and it fucking started bleeding. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| What's the latest with Eddie Bravo fighting? | ||
| It's off? | ||
| Completely off. | ||
| The dude wants money. | ||
| He wants $50,000. | ||
| He agreed to the fight, but then he said he wants $50,000 and then $25,000 if he wins. | ||
| So apparently the Sheikh Takhnoon, whoever was putting together one of the Sheikhs over there in Abu Dhabi, was like, eh, you can't do that, dude. | ||
| You're asking for too much money. | ||
| But who knows? | ||
| They might come to some sort of an agreement. | ||
| I think Hoyler is 45 years old, man. | ||
| It's tough to get that dude to fight. | ||
| If he's going to fight, he wants some cash. | ||
| Why isn't Eddie just then fight the best gracie edits out that would fight him? | ||
| Because he doesn't really want to fight anybody. | ||
| He just Was going to fight this dude because this dude is always saying that him beating him was a fluke and that it would never happen again. | ||
| Lightning doesn't strike twice. | ||
| And he's like, Oh, okay, really? | ||
| Well, let's do it again. | ||
| I'll tell you, the reality is, Eddie's better. | ||
| I don't know if Heuler's better than he was back then. | ||
| Heuler's an all-time great, and Hoyer was beating Eddie before he tapped him. | ||
| But I don't know if Hoyer consistently improves. | ||
| I don't know if he still has the passion for it. | ||
| But I know Eddie is a lot better than he was back then. | ||
| Doesn't mean he would win. | ||
| Heuler Gracie's a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| I mean, he won a ton of tournaments. | ||
| He won Abu Dhabi several times. | ||
| He's one of the most active members of the Gracie family. | ||
| Like, he was the guy that was holding it down for the Gracie family in jiu-jitsu tournaments. | ||
| You know, back when Hickson wasn't competing anymore, and Hickson was always the greatest. | ||
| Everybody always says that. | ||
| But Hoyce was doing the UFC for a little bit. | ||
| But as far as like straight jiu-jitsu fighting the best in the world, Hoyler Gracie was holding it down for years, man. | ||
| He was the man. | ||
| He was beating everybody. | ||
| So, you know, it was a big upset when Eddie tapped him. | ||
| And, you know, it was embarrassing, I'm sure. | ||
| And he doesn't like it. | ||
| And I'm sure he doesn't want to, you know, have a repeat of that for nothing. | ||
| You know, he wants to get paid. | ||
| And if he beats him, he wants to, you know, he wants to get motivated to work out to beat him. | ||
| And for Eddie, Eddie says, look, I'll fight that guy. | ||
| That's the only guy I want to fight. | ||
| I want to prove to everybody that it wasn't a fluke. | ||
| I think Eddie's better, man. | ||
| He's way better than he was back then. | ||
| I'm not saying he's better than Hoyler. | ||
| He's still, like I said, all respect to Hoyler. | ||
| He's an all-time great. | ||
| But I know that Eddie's a lot better than he was when he beat him last time. | ||
| People who go in there, like, just like, I know his students love him, but people who go there for a couple of days will come back with that and say, bro, Eddie's bad to the bone. | ||
| Yeah, you think that, you know, his guard ain't shit. | ||
| He's going to wrap you up and fuck you up, dude. | ||
| Even if you're a lot bigger than him, he'll tell you the whole story about when he went over there in Abu Dhabi when he trained with the guy, but the guy's trainer was a Henzo guy, and he did the whole story. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, man, I slowed down. | ||
| Eddie's a bad motherfucker, dog. | ||
| Eddie's a jiu-jitsu genius. | ||
| I've always said this. | ||
| You know, he's just a crazy guy, and people look at him, and he does all this music and all these different things. | ||
| So they get it twisted. | ||
| But when it comes to straight jiu-jitsu, it's confusing. | ||
| He's as technical as they come, man. | ||
| He's a great fucking instructor. | ||
| The way he breaks down techniques, he's excellent at it, man. | ||
| I've been to a lot of UFCs with you, and I've never had a bad time. | ||
| But one of the funniest things besides tripping at the UFC was the weigh-in with Eddie and what's the kid that I love him with the fucked up eye for a while. | ||
| He's fighting again now. | ||
| Big kid. | ||
| 184 Akiyama, and he beat him. | ||
| Akiyama beat him Akiyama's first fight. | ||
| I always forget his name. | ||
| Comes to the bank. | ||
| Alan Belcher. | ||
| Alan Belcher. | ||
| So we're hanging out. | ||
| I forbid I don't go to the front of the way. | ||
| Right in the back, I mind my business. | ||
| I don't say nothing because he might beat me up. | ||
| But they're talking. | ||
| They're talking like the way we are. | ||
| And all of a sudden, he goes, bro. | ||
| Eddie goes, bro. | ||
| Did you see my new technique? | ||
| And Alan Belcher's like, no, what is it? | ||
| He's like, oh, it's called this or something. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they're on the ground. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| They're in the ring. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bitch, they're in the ring. | ||
| And they got their shoes off. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, oh my God. | ||
| And he's just taking Alan Belcher and just, you know, hooks and legs. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that called. | ||
| But I know Alan Belcher was blown away. | ||
| In the ring. | ||
| They went right into the ring. | ||
| If jiu-jitsu was golf, you know, if jiu-jitsu was something that, you know, Eddie Bravo would be like one of the most respected coaches in the country. | ||
| He was huge. | ||
| You know, and I don't know. | ||
| I think he's just a golfer. | ||
| I don't think he's a coach. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, if it was like something that was on, golf's a terrible example because it's sort of a game instead of a sport, whereas jiu-jitsu is clearly a sport. | ||
| He just, you know, he's always wanted to be a musician. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| If he just wanted to only be a jiu-jitsu fighter and keep competing, you know, there's always been dudes that will beat him. | ||
| You know, Javi Vasquez beat him a few times. | ||
| This guy, I mean, Eddie's not the best in the world because he's not the best athlete, but he's a jiu-jitsu genius, man. | ||
| He sees shit. | ||
| He knows how to break shit down. | ||
| And everybody thinks that he takes credit for all this other shit, but he really doesn't. | ||
| You know, when you listen to him talk and teach and actually get to know the guy, he gives credit for every single person he learned every move from. | ||
| You know, there's certain, you know, there's a move called the Duda. | ||
| There's the John Jacques sweep. | ||
| Like, he doesn't rename shit that's other people's stuff. | ||
| If he learned it from somebody else, man, he always, you literally call it, you know, this is what Marcelo uses. | ||
| This is the Marcelo, you know, get-to-back position. | ||
| You know, he gives up credit left and right. | ||
| He's just a weird dude. | ||
| You know, that's the problem. | ||
| You know, he's a fucking, he's basically, you know, he's an entertainer. | ||
| You know, I mean, music is his thing, but it could have just as well been, he could have been an actor. | ||
| He easily could have been a comic. | ||
| You know, we, I tried to talk him into it. | ||
| He tried it for a while, but he was doing too many different things. | ||
| He was trying to teach jiu-jitsu and trying to do music and trying to do comedy. | ||
| And it was just too hard for him. | ||
| He came up with some good material and he was trying for a little bit, but he's an entertainer. | ||
| You know, it's just jiu-jitsu became something for him to focus his energy on. | ||
| And he's got a special knack for it. | ||
| And he's just a dude that if he focuses on shit, he can get real good at shit. | ||
| He just doesn't get taken seriously because he's an entertainer. | ||
| We get thought of, you get thought of. | ||
| We all get thought of. | ||
| When you're an entertainer, you get thought of as being a silly person. | ||
| You're not a person to be taken seriously. | ||
| You're a frivolous person. | ||
| You know, because you're doing this. | ||
| And you're like, look at me. | ||
| I'm on the camera. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Saw Doug Stanhope over the weekend. | ||
| How was Doug? | ||
| Really good, man. | ||
| He did a really good show. | ||
| He's different from his Oslo set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I saw most of it, but what I saw was all new to me. | ||
| But really cool seeing him, man. | ||
| He packed the comedy store, by the way. | ||
| That main room. | ||
| Two shows is packed. | ||
| Outstanding people just. | ||
| Two shows on Friday? | ||
| No, one a night. | ||
| One a night. | ||
| Thursday and Friday. | ||
| No, I believed that. | ||
| I told everybody. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's a bad dude. | ||
| It was 800. | ||
| All that is is 900 seats. | ||
| That's a weekend somewhere, which he just did it to two nights. | ||
| Not even. | ||
| 450 in the main room? | ||
| 400? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And you know what was so awesome is that after the show, I was sitting outside with my girlfriend. | ||
| We're just hanging out watching Sunset. | ||
| About five people came up. | ||
| I was like, Red Band, hey man, what's up? | ||
| All his fans listened to your podcast and stuff, but gave me so much brownie points. | ||
| My girlfriend was like, wow, you're famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did you get some extra pussy because of that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's all happy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So how was Stanhope set? | ||
| Good. | ||
| Really good, man. | ||
| Was it his best shit? | ||
| It was all new to me. | ||
| It was just regular Stanhope style material. | ||
| It was pretty good. | ||
| He had a really funny joke, a bit about baby pictures. | ||
| I don't know if you ever heard of him about baby pictures or showing him baby pictures. | ||
| Don't do his material. | ||
| He'll get crazy. | ||
| No, I'm not saying that. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Give out the premise. | ||
| It's about baby pictures. | ||
| Did you have to stand or did you sit down? | ||
| I stood. | ||
| I mean, I could have stayed. | ||
| I didn't have a ticket, so I just stood in the back. | ||
| I learned from watching his last show. | ||
| No more standing. | ||
| You and I both learned. | ||
| That's why I changed our whole show. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| And Joey talked about it, too. | ||
| Standing and watching a show is a fucking bitch. | ||
| It ain't fun. | ||
| It ain't fun for people. | ||
| So sit down, bitches, because we got some shows coming up. | ||
| Joey and I are going to be in Pittsburgh at the Carnegie Music Hall. | ||
| And that is Saturday, January 25th. | ||
| It is already, not January, June, excuse me. | ||
| Saturday, June 25th. | ||
| And it's already more than half sold out. | ||
| And then Joey can't go to Canada, unfortunately. | ||
| But the Vogue Theater, I'm going to be there with young Tom Segura and that motherfucker, Better Not Be Sick. | ||
| That's June 9th in Vancouver. | ||
| And that, I believe, is sold out. | ||
| I think the only thing that's available is like a couple seats. | ||
| And then on July 1st, the full death squad will be at Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| It'll be Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, me, and Doug Benson is going to be in the neighborhood too. | ||
| So Doug Benson will probably do a guest set as well. | ||
| And if we get Brian fucked up enough, maybe we'll throw him to the dogs too. | ||
| It's a big, crazy theater. | ||
| And yeah, that's a UFC weekend. | ||
| That's Dominic Cruz versus Uriah Faber bitches on Saturday, July 2nd. | ||
| Drop it, baby. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Carlos Conduit. | ||
| A dung doom kung kim. | ||
| There's a bunch of good fights in the future. | ||
| There's a lot of good fights. | ||
| That July 2nd card is the shit. | ||
| I'm sorry that we were away for so long, but goddamn it, it feels good to be back talking to you guys. | ||
| I hope you enjoyed the show. | ||
| Hey, can I give a plug real quick, dog? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| I'm at Winston's in San Diego. | ||
| Saturday, June 4th at 7 o'clock. | ||
| I've been there before. | ||
| It's a great little place. | ||
| Come on out and say hello. | ||
| We'll have some fucking banana bread. | ||
| Winston's in San Diego, June 4th, Saturday. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's next weekend. | ||
| That's next weekend. | ||
| Next weekend. | ||
| Who are you there with? | ||
| Mind myself, a bunch of fucking San Diego guys just rocking. | ||
| A lot of guys down there in San Diego. | ||
| A lot of San Diego comics. | ||
| There's a little community going on down there. | ||
| Fuck you, Ocean Beach, so it's always a great time. | ||
| It sells out, so get down there. | ||
| They only pack like two weeks. | ||
| Winston's the place you played? | ||
| The big problem? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He played the market. | ||
| I did fifth in Maine right now. | ||
| And then I did the And then I did the And then I did the Oh, June 8th is the, Yeah, and then June 2nd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I might have to go for that one. | |
| No, I'm not taping my fucking CD in Vancouver. | ||
| I couldn't get it cleared in time. | ||
| I'm going to have to hold it off for a few months. | ||
| Good, let's do Houston, bitch. | ||
| Maybe we'll do Houston. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the fuck! | |
| 10-10. | ||
| UFC, 10-9. | ||
| We just take over fucking improv or theater of your choice, bro. | ||
| What is it, October? | ||
| No, yeah, 10-10, dude. | ||
| October 8th. | ||
| You'll definitely be ready. | ||
| Everybody will be ready. | ||
| October 8th is the UFC. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| So maybe we do it October 7th. | ||
| 6th and 7th. | ||
| Yeah, maybe 7th. | ||
| We'll do two shows in Houston. | ||
| Houston would be perfect, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We ain't been there forever. | |
| Or you could just do the Bud Light extravaganza in New Orleans and make the motherfuckers drive from... | ||
| You've never done a fucking special show. | ||
| That's New Orleans before. | ||
| I think that's September. | ||
| September 16th. | ||
| Yeah, that's already too quick. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I gave up that information too early. | ||
| I don't know if that's public. | ||
| No, it's public. | ||
| Is it public? | ||
| John Jones and my man got a commercial out. | ||
| That's why when he went to the doctor, they said, John Jones, are you kidding me? | ||
| You fight, motherfucker. | ||
| You're going to New Orleans, motherfucker. | ||
| You know where he's going to fight? | ||
| But think about it. | ||
| Bud Light already did a commercial with Dana. | ||
| Dana was walking away. | ||
| 20s were falling out of his pocket. | ||
| So you know how that goes. | ||
| It's going to be Rampage versus John Jones. | ||
| Where would you put that? | ||
| Would you not put that shit in New York? | ||
| Would you not put that in New Orleans? | ||
| New Orleans ain't bad either. | ||
| Same motherfucking difference because there's only two from Memphis, two from Houston. | ||
| They could come from all over. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Check yourself before you get yourself. | ||
| For your wreck yourself. | ||
| What? | ||
| Dig CS is bad for your health. | ||
| Follow Joey on Twitter. | ||
| It's Mad Flavor, M-A-D-F-L-A-V. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| And thank you to all our new friends on Sirius Satellite Radio. | ||
| We are honored to be on The Virus with Opi and Anthony. | ||
| It's cool as fuck to hear us on there. | ||
| And thanks everybody for tuning in. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And thanks to the flushlight. | ||
| Go to joerogan.net, click on the link, and enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 15% off the number one sex toy for man bitches. | ||
| Enjoy, shoot loads. | ||
| And we have Ari Shafir on tomorrow. | ||
| Yeah, Ari Shafir tomorrow. | ||
| And we're going to play Ari on Salvia, where apparently he tried to kill Brian. | ||
| And Ari's going to talk about his mushroom initiative. | ||
| He's trying to have a day where everyone in the country does mushrooms. | ||
| He's going to promote the shit out of that. | ||
| Red Band did it already. | ||
| And then we got Wednesday. | ||
| Yeah, Red Band's already done. | ||
| He's done for like a six-month period at least. | ||
| And then Wednesday, we got Duncan Trussell. | ||
| So we got a full three-day death squad week. | ||
| Duncan, Ari, and Joey, just to make up for it. | ||
| Thank you very much for having me. | ||
| Thank you for having me. | ||
| I love you, motherfuckers. | ||
| You always got some. | ||
| I've known you for 20 fucking years. | ||
| You always got new stories. | ||
| Give it all my God on the JRE experience because this is all we got. | ||
| We got to make some JRE experience shirts. | ||
| Oh, well, I got you. | ||
| I should have wear your shirt today. | ||
| I'll wear it tomorrow. | ||
| I can't wear it, Joe Roe, and that's kind of creepy. | ||
| Wearing your own shirt? | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| If you go to hire-primate.com, they sold out literally within an hour, and we got new ones coming in, and we got a bunch of new designs on the bottom. | ||
| And we love you. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Thank you very much. |
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