April 14, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:07:57
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| First of all, hello. | ||
| Hi, my friends. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| These guys are not just the sponsors. | ||
| We've actually hung out with them. | ||
| We are friends with them. | ||
| They are nice people and they make a solid product for masturbation. | ||
| The number one sex toy for men in the world. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and enter in the code name Rogan under the fleshlight link, you get 15% off. | ||
| And with that said, here we go. | ||
| Buckle up, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit's about to get freaky. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience The Joe Rogan Experience You know, people complaining about that drum thing in the beginning, that don't, don't, smash. | ||
| They're complaining, man, the fuck's in my hearing, dude. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| It makes me, blows my speakers up. | ||
| It's there to let you know you're alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wake up. | |
| You know, it's like. | ||
| It's there to let you know. | ||
| Yeah, it's uncomfortable. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't feel right. | ||
| It doesn't sound good. | ||
| That would be better than you just talking like, hi, I'm here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Oh, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe that's better. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Is there a better? | ||
| Drum beat is out there. | ||
| There is no better. | ||
| There's no better. | ||
| There's no better, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That drum beat is tight, man. | ||
| Brian Whitaker and Daryl Ryder in the house, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What's up, guys? | ||
| Two mad savages attacking the comedy scene in Los Angeles, out there fucking making shit happen. | ||
| You guys are in the grind. | ||
| You're out there biting. | ||
| Scratching. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| First of all, thank you for having me on this. | ||
| Thanks for being on, my friend. | ||
| Dog, I appreciate it. | ||
| I'm glad you're both here. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| Well, it's accidental that Brian's here. | ||
| Like, Joe's like, who the fuck is that? | ||
| I'm like, oh, Daryl might have brought some crazy friend. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Lucky we want to put my friend, too. | ||
| I couldn't see your face, man. | ||
| I saw the sunlight. | ||
| I was like. | ||
| Last time we had someone here, Pete Joe Hanson brought his wife. | ||
| She just started talking while we were in the middle of conversation. | ||
| We had to give her a microphone. | ||
| I've met her, man. | ||
| She's nice. | ||
| it was squirrely. | ||
| I've met dudes that are attached to their wives. | ||
| And some dudes, you never see that motherfucker without her. | ||
| It's like, this is the unit. | ||
| They come as a unit. | ||
| They don't come individually. | ||
| It is what it is, man. | ||
| And it's always our turn to talk. | ||
| That's like Ralphie and Lana now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| That's like Ralphie and Lana now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're like attached at the hip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's a sweetheart, but you don't see him without her. | ||
| Brian, is his microphone not on or something? | ||
| Yeah, it's on. | ||
| It's just he's so part of it. | ||
| How's that? | ||
| No, his is not on. | ||
| No, but Daryl's. | ||
| Daryl's doesn't sound right. | ||
| Daryl's is on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it doesn't sound right to me either, but now it does. | |
| Now it does? | ||
| Now it's on slaughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Folks at home. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| At all this time, over a year, trying to get our technical fucking shit done. | ||
| Work with us, man. | ||
| Dude, I had technical envy when I went to Adam Carolla's place. | ||
| I went to Adam Carolla's house to do the podcast. | ||
| That motherfucker's got his shit wired. | ||
| I'm an amateur, man. | ||
| He's got stacks of compressors. | ||
| I mean, stacks of audio compressors. | ||
| Not just one, but we don't even have one. | ||
| When it gets loud, it hurts your ear. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Like, when Joey Diaz is over here, you fuck. | ||
| Oh, that's different. | ||
| When he starts going off like that, Brian has to dive on the microphone thing. | ||
| It's like a staff of, what, how many? | ||
| He's got a lot of people working for him. | ||
| Well, he's doing that. | ||
| Adam does his 12 jobs right now. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Adam does his jobs. | ||
| He's got a totally different setup. | ||
| First of all, unimpressed. | ||
| He's got people. | ||
| Ghetto after ghetto. | ||
| This is ghetto as fuck. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| He's got people working like the cameras. | ||
| He's got like individual cameras on each individual person, and there's someone manning a switch inside. | ||
| So there's a person who does that. | ||
| Then there's a person who looks up stuff on the web and pulls it up as you're talking about it. | ||
| So like, I have to Google shit myself. | ||
| He's got dudes who pull shit up on some giant big screen. | ||
| And then he's got a sound effects board, which is that was the one thing that I would cut. | ||
| Like in the middle of the conversation, a dude hits buttons and it sounds like a jail cell closing or another one sounds like a dog in darkness. | ||
| He does his podcast with Lovis's Club. | ||
| And dog, it's like an hour and a half set up. | ||
| But it's tight. | ||
| Like if people go to see it live, it's fucking wild. | ||
| Carola can rant like the best of them. | ||
| That motherfucker can go off on anything. | ||
| He went off on the public school system in LA. | ||
| By the time he was done, I was ready to vote for mayor. | ||
| I was like, dude, I'll register. | ||
| You're the mayor now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're the mayor of L.A. When is the last time that you voted, man? | |
| I voted for Obama. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| I didn't, didn't. | ||
| I'm not happy about it now. | ||
| I feel like I got duped. | ||
| I feel like a dumbass. | ||
| I feel like it's all the same. | ||
| I feel like I went against my own thinking on all this stuff. | ||
| I've always said that politics are like pro wrestling. | ||
| It might make you feel like you're rooting on pro-wrestling. | ||
| You might feel like you're participating, but I don't really think it counts. | ||
| I think you got to kind of give him a break. | ||
| And for those y'all that don't know me, Joe knows me. | ||
| Race is not an issue with me. | ||
| Like, I'm a NASCAR fan. | ||
| I'm a country music fan. | ||
| So it ain't one of those things. | ||
| But I think in this particular case, he's the first black president, and he doesn't want to overstep his bounds. | ||
| That's what I'm hoping that it is. | ||
| Oh, that's silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucking treading really lightly, dog. | |
| He's a president. | ||
| He's really treading really lightly. | ||
| Because what he should have said when he first got in and people started bitching is calm the fuck down. | ||
| I'm cleaning up some of a nigga's shit. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Give me some time. | ||
| Yeah, it's more. | ||
| But he hasn't even done that, man. | ||
| He hasn't even fucking, he hasn't really, he hasn't really stepped on nothing, man. | ||
| He's been walking around real light. | ||
| Like he ain't. | ||
| Well, he's making calls now. | ||
| I mean, you know, we're going to fucking Libya. | ||
| I mean, like, he's got this whole new. | ||
| Well, now. | ||
| Honestly, I'm offended. | ||
| I'm offended that we're even talking about this. | ||
| Like, we're even pretending we have a fucking clue. | ||
| Oh, I can't vote. | ||
| It's mad speculation. | ||
| I don't really care because I can't vote. | ||
| So, either way, I mean, it don't matter to me, man. | ||
| Daryl did some bad things in the past. | ||
| I know that's coming. | ||
| I wonder why my mother's going to be a little bit more. | ||
| Half of Joey Diaz is acting. | ||
| Let's talk about what shit we know about it. | ||
| Half of Joey Diaz is act. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Listen, I can't vote, motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| I got felonies. | ||
| No, it's fucked up, man. | ||
| I don't know whether Obama's real or not. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but all this Wall Street shit, watching Inside Job and reading all of them. | ||
| You know who Matt Taibbi is? | ||
| He's a writer for Rolling Stone. | ||
| He writes some independent stuff too, but He writes these brilliant articles for Rolling Stone where he sort of like details the depths of the corruption that's involved in the financial institution. | ||
| And it's like, wait a minute, first of all, if this is true, how the fuck is this the only guy talking about this, man? | ||
| How is this the only guy screaming in the streets? | ||
| How is Matt Taibbi the only bad motherfucker who's writing these articles that's exposing everything? | ||
| I mean, there's the guys who made that inside job movie. | ||
| There's Matt Taibbi. | ||
| And then where the fuck are the politicians? | ||
| Where are all these guys? | ||
| Why are they getting paid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, no, it's money. | |
| It's money. | ||
| It's about money, bro. | ||
| It's the truest example of corruption we've ever seen. | ||
| It's all about money. | ||
| And the whole funny part is, just like you would tell somebody to put a weed dealer in jail, the first Wall Street dude that has to do hard time, it's over with. | ||
| They will stop doing this shit. | ||
| They think you're crazy. | ||
| No, they won't. | ||
| They'll start killing people. | ||
| That's what they'll start doing. | ||
| They'll start killing people to put people in jail. | ||
| Cops will come up missing. | ||
| Dude, these are billions of dollars here. | ||
| You're talking about money that's beyond our comprehension. | ||
| You're getting into like where guys are getting fired because their bank failed and they're getting hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses. | ||
| That's what I forget, man. | ||
| It's just now, see, y'all are on some deeper thinking than I am. | ||
| When is it that people are going to just grab the pitchforks and start chopping these dudes' heads? | ||
| As long as they're comfortable, man. | ||
| As long as there's enough comfort where people can sleep and they can watch cable and they can get fucking Wendy's, you know, and get the double cheeseburger. | ||
| You know, as long as that's all there for them, people aren't going to freak out. | ||
| When shit gets bad is when people don't have food, when people don't have gas, when people, then riots in the streets happen. | ||
| As long as they can keep the infrastructure up and keep supermarkets stuffed and keep a reasonable amount of jobs available, they can just keep fucking us. | ||
| Have you guys noticed the fucking increase lately in these asshole bums who drive up with a car, like asking you for spare change at the fucking gas station? | ||
| You've had a guy pull up in a car asking you for change? | ||
| No, they want money from you to make their car go further. | ||
| They're begging you at the gas station now from a car. | ||
| Run a road trip. | ||
| Have you had that? | ||
| No, no, no, not on a road trip. | ||
| Especially I'd imagine it happens real bad in LA. | ||
| No, no, what he's saying is that's their sad story. | ||
| That's their sad story. | ||
| That's a sad story. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah, I'm stranded. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You're stranded from home. | ||
| Go the fuck back. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're homeless. | |
| No, I'm talking about just guys who want money to make their car go further. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They just pull up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They pull into a gas station and they stay there and they take up a pump and they just want your fucking money. | |
| They're just asking anything. | ||
| I've never seen this. | ||
| Never seen this once. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I live in the right neighborhood. | ||
| So you guys are getting asked at the gas station all the time? | ||
| This is a regular game. | ||
| This is more and more lately. | ||
| Where the fuck do you live, man? | ||
| I live on top of a mountain around, yeah. | ||
| I live around Franklin, like by the Capitol Records building. | ||
| Okay, so you're in the hood. | ||
| I mean, in Hollywood, rather. | ||
| The hood, I should say. | ||
| Not the hood. | ||
| He's in the wood. | ||
| I didn't mean the hood. | ||
| You're right in the heart of things. | ||
| Trendy Boulevard. | ||
| Yeah, trendy, whatever. | ||
| So you get fit up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever, man. | |
| You know what, man? | ||
| You're white. | ||
| That's one of the things that comes to being a white guy. | ||
| You got to deal with that, bro. | ||
| That's never happened to me, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No one's eat you up for money? | |
| Not like that, dog. | ||
| They might hit me up for change to fucking get something to drink, but just drive your car up to a gas station and ask somebody else for gas. | ||
| No, and they take up the damn pump and they stay there until they get something. | ||
| See, somebody would have been slapped by then, man. | ||
| Somebody hit me up for money at Disneyland. | ||
| Really? | ||
| While I was carrying my kid. | ||
| Yeah, I'm in Disneyland. | ||
| Some guy comes up to me. | ||
| And he's in Disneyland too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he's in Disneyland too. | ||
| He tells me some story about his parents. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's what I said to you. | ||
| He's some young kid. | ||
| He's like 19, 20 years old. | ||
| And he came up to me and just with this fucking stupid story about his parents and he needs to get them somewhere. | ||
| That's not all. | ||
| I don't even want to hear it. | ||
| Did he know it was true? | ||
| I have no idea what he knew. | ||
| I didn't want to hear it. | ||
| I was like, this is retarded. | ||
| You know, you need to get a fucking job or shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's one or the other. | ||
| Either you're ripping people off because you're faking all this story or you need to get your shit together. | ||
| And that's part of life. | ||
| You don't always have your shit together from the get-go. | ||
| And when you're short on money, sometimes you have to have peanut butter sandwiches or roll pennies to make your shit. | ||
| I want to fucking tell these assholes at the gas stations that you guys have apparently never had to deal with. | ||
| I don't know, in case anybody else has who's listening, it's like, if you can't afford a fucking car, you know, just get a bigger car called a fucking bus. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People are out there on the ground. | ||
| It's just really, it's just really weird, man. | ||
| I'm trying to work for my car, too. | ||
| Like, one of the things that I think that I go through, and I've been blessed in that type of concept, is just what you're saying, and that's personal responsibility. | ||
| Like, it's no secret. | ||
| I fucked up earlier in life. | ||
| Well, let's tell people what you did. | ||
| Tell people what you did. | ||
| I shot a crackhead. | ||
| What's the story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, let me tell you. | |
| Let me tell the story. | ||
| Do you want to hear the joke or you want to hear the real story? | ||
| I want to both. | ||
| Give me the joke first. | ||
| To not ruin it. | ||
| Well, anyway. | ||
| Tell me the real story and then tell me the joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It won't be as good, right? | |
| No what? | ||
| The joke is the real story. | ||
| What happened was I was selling dope back in DC and this guy, I had fronted him some dope. | ||
| Actually, it was crack. | ||
| And it was a crackhead. | ||
| And he was across the street from me and my boys. | ||
| And we were drunk on this patio and shit. | ||
| And he was across the street. | ||
| And I was like, give me my money, motherfucker, drunk. | ||
| And everybody's like, ha ha ha. | ||
| And this jackass is going to say, fuck you. | ||
| I ain't paying you shit. | ||
| I think he owed me like $10. | ||
| So all of my boys were like, oh, so you're just going to let that crackhead talk to you like that. | ||
| And I'm drunk with the fucking gun. | ||
| So I shot across the street to scare this motherfucker, but I hit him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The rest is history. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How old were you then? | ||
| I was, let's see, I was 25 when that happened. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Did you realize, like, after you pulled the trigger, were you like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| No, because I didn't kill him. | ||
| I just shot his ass. | ||
| You still didn't think, like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| I just shot a guy? | ||
| It didn't freak you out? | ||
| No, I was too drunk. | ||
| How drunk could you get? | ||
| No, when you're. | ||
| How long were you selling crack for? | ||
| How many years? | ||
| Crack, like a year and a half, but I was selling drugs, like all types of drugs. | ||
| Like just exclusively crack, like a year and a half. | ||
| What got you into that? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Did you like listen to too many iced T songs? | ||
| No, it had nothing to do with fucking rap music or nothing. | ||
| It was just like, this is the thing that pisses me off. | ||
| And I'll the culture that you come from, it's no, well, not me. | ||
| I mean, not you, but me. | ||
| The culture tries to dictate That you can't do nothing but certain things and be successful. | ||
| Now, I'm not a dumb motherfucker, as y'all know, because you've heard my comedy and stuff like that. | ||
| But that's pretty bold of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| But it's like, you know what? | ||
| When you're a certain age. | ||
| You just talk about shooting a crackhead and it didn't really bother you that much. | ||
| And then you're like, I'm obviously very intelligent. | ||
| You guys know this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am. | |
| Well, I know. | ||
| I don't fucking look at it. | ||
| I have to be pretty smart because I only did two years for that shit. | ||
| Brian and I are the only people that are high right now. | ||
| I just want to let you know. | ||
| So the folks at home going, there's two different frequencies going on here. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got Daryl high once. | ||
| And I was high for four fucking days. | ||
| Like, I'm used to smoking dirt weed, and Joe got the good shit. | ||
| Him and Ralphie had that good shit. | ||
| We put him on Pluto. | ||
| Dog, I think I was seeing shit. | ||
| Like, I was talking to people that was dead and having a conversation with them, just chilling, dog. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dog, that's some Superman shit that he smokes, man. | ||
| I'm not used to that shit, dog. | ||
| I can't fuck with that. | ||
| It's the real weed, bro. | ||
| That's the real weed. | ||
| That other stuff is fake. | ||
| That other stuff is just to get you to find the real weed. | ||
| It's like you found it, motherfucker. | ||
| This feels good. | ||
| The other stuff is like, wow, this feels kind of good. | ||
| Wow, I'm kind of hungry. | ||
| Wow, things are so funny. | ||
| I'm giggly. | ||
| I was like, wow, what is this? | ||
| This is another kind of weed. | ||
| This weed's called Trainwreck. | ||
| No, it was funny. | ||
| I wasn't laughing as shit. | ||
| Everything was cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything was serious,'cause I was having conversations that was fucking Yeah. | |
| While watching NASCAR. | ||
| While watching NASCAR? | ||
| I watch NASCAR sober. | ||
| Don't try that shit. | ||
| You don't fuck around. | ||
| NASCAR is a serious thing. | ||
| Is that a NASCAR cap you're wearing right now? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| You better not ask that question. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's just like numbers. | ||
| Don't feel bad. | ||
| I don't know shit about any sports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jale Earnhurt? | |
| Okay, I heard he's dead. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That guy's dead? | ||
| Yes, he's dead. | ||
| His son's still racist. | ||
| Yes, his son's still racist. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| There's a lot of money in NASCAR. | ||
| I just thought you're like free. | ||
| There's a lot of money in that shit. | ||
| Wow, you really didn't know that this was Dale Earnhardt? | ||
| For real? | ||
| How the fuck am I supposed to know that a number is some particular man's number? | ||
| How would I know that? | ||
| That's a very good question. | ||
| Because the UFC doesn't have numbers on there. | ||
| No, I don't, literally, I don't even know the rules to basketball. | ||
| I don't know when someone gets mad at someone. | ||
| I'm like, what did someone do? | ||
| I'm like, wait a minute, you're mad that he touched you, you fucking pussy? | ||
| What kind of whack-ass sport is this? | ||
| I think we're in the same way, Linda. | ||
| You and me, we follow fighting mostly. | ||
| I mean, like, and every other sport, at least I don't know about you, but I mean, like to me, it's like every other sport is just kind of like a delusion of, you know, like, I don't know, it's just a, and like, you've talked about it. | ||
| Like, if somebody gets into a fight in a game, I'm interested. | ||
| Do like, do, like, do like, do, like, your fans know how much you really fucking follow fighting? | ||
| Like, just. | ||
| Yeah, they pretty much know. | ||
| Because it's like, no. | ||
| The thing about sports is that what sports don't have, what fighting doesn't have, that sports do have, like team sports, is the joy of seeing all these people work together. | ||
| There's something beautiful about a basketball game where one dude makes a call and the other dude fakes a pass, runs in, passes it off, and the other dude hits the three and everything falls in line like they practiced it. | ||
| And you're like, look at that, man, look at that. | ||
| And everybody gets crazy and they all high-five each other. | ||
| You don't get that in fighting. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| So there's something about teamwork. | ||
| There's something beautiful about watching a soccer team pull off some crazy pass that they've rehearsed many times and the guy shoots the goal in. | ||
| There's something about that when everybody gets together and hugs and cheers. | ||
| You don't quite ever get that in fighting. | ||
| In fighting, it's very much me. | ||
| It's individual. | ||
| I still love the competition of, like, I think even in comedy, certain comedians, that competitive nature drives them more than others. | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| Eliza Schlesinger, man, she was talking about how it was her number one thing that she's so competitive. | ||
| Like, dog, I have no problem with it. | ||
| Like, dog, I think it makes for great comedy because you can be friends offstage. | ||
| But, dog, when it's you and that microphone, that gets your juices going. | ||
| Like, I've had. | ||
| So you get real competitive too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get competitive with other friends and not competitive in a negative way. | |
| Like, I don't dog other people's comedy because I'm not the comedy police. | ||
| But what I do do is if you just killed, I'm not dying, dog. | ||
| That ain't happening because it's that competition. | ||
| Like, I'm not going to be the one that brings the show down. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Yeah, I think I used to think about it like that. | ||
| I used to feel like that. | ||
| I used to feel like, well, I don't want everyone to bomb me to go up there and kick ass. | ||
| But now I don't think about it like that at all. | ||
| Now I only always think about, I'm like, what's the best thing to think about? | ||
| The best thing to think about, regardless of the circumstance, is the act. | ||
| What am I going to say? | ||
| Where's my head at? | ||
| What am I talking about? | ||
| That's the best thing to think about. | ||
| As soon as you start thinking about weird peripheral shit, like he killed, and what if they like him more than me? | ||
| I want to make sure they don't. | ||
| That's not necessarily the competition that I'm thinking of, but probably because of the fact of this. | ||
| You know, I'm just getting to the point where I'm starting to even, people started to even think about me headlining. | ||
| Once you know that you are the show, it doesn't matter no more. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And just like you said, I'm still scrapping out here, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| As far as getting to the point where I'm headlining. | ||
| So I got to kind of think that a little bit. | ||
| But once I know that I'm the show, it doesn't matter whether the opener pulls a monkey out of his ass. | ||
| It really doesn't matter. | ||
| How long you been doing comedy now? | ||
| It'll be nine years this year. | ||
| Nine years. | ||
| What about you, Brian? | ||
| I'd only count three. | ||
| Three years? | ||
| Yeah, three years. | ||
| I mean, that was just pretty much, that was, yeah, it was March, March 08. | ||
| I started working at the improv. | ||
| I was a bouncer. | ||
| I came into this on total fucking accident. | ||
| I was a bouncer right off Skid Row in downtown LA for two years, like in those little, those bars they got out there to move the hipsters in and make it safe and everything and just make the area. | ||
| And I'm not familiar with that. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Well, basically, they've been slowly, slowly, slowly pushing Skid Row and downtown LA a little bit further, like just towards the fucking river. | ||
| If you've never seen this, by the way, we filmed Fear Factor down there. | ||
| We used to do downtown LA shit all the time. | ||
| And I used to drive up Skid Row. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yeah, it's some Fear Factor shit. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| For the folks that don't know, there's areas of downtown LA that are like a fucking George Romero zombie. | ||
| This is a better world. | ||
| Especially at night. | ||
| I'm talking block after block of just crazed out homeless people who are sleeping right there on the ground with shopping carts and, you know, one shoe on and tattered and everyone's cracked out. | ||
| That's made it illegal after a while. | ||
| Oh, go ahead. | ||
| Well, they made it illegal after a while for them to put the tents up during the day, but they were always up at night. | ||
| No, no, no, no shit. | ||
| They made it illegal. | ||
| You have to take your tent down. | ||
| You have to take your tent down. | ||
| But I don't want to say that. | ||
| There's another fucking thunderdome. | ||
| It's a whole goddamn thunderdome of just homeless practice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor shitty politicians. | |
| We made a law. | ||
| You've got to take those tents down during the day. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's nighttime. | ||
| Unsettling. | ||
| And I was just working out there as a bouncer for a while, and it got depressing after a fucking bit. | ||
| So I was looking for a positive environment to go to to offer my services. | ||
| So I went to, there's actually a comic Steve Simone Heat told me, hey, go try at the comedy club. | ||
| You know, go be a security guy there. | ||
| At the improv. | ||
| Yeah, I went to the improv. | ||
| And then you started going on stage. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, well, really, because, yeah, I just got a little bit pissed because I was stuck in the showroom watching. | ||
| At first, I was so stoked because I was working around, you know, all this laughter and everything like that. | ||
| And then I go into the showroom and I had to be making sure that everybody was behaving during a show. | ||
| And so many of these comics just such a bunch of heartless hokey crap. | ||
| And you can tell they're just looking to, they're not up there for the audience. | ||
| They're not up there to make people laugh. | ||
| They're up there to get their fucking little, you know, sitcom career going and all that. | ||
| And I got pissed and it was anger that drove me towards the stage. | ||
| So you went up because of bad comedy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| And then I had to... | ||
| Daryl met me from the dead kill. | ||
| He's actually weird because... | ||
| You're hilarious saying you've calmed the fuck down. | ||
| Do you know how wired you are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These fucking homeless people want to fucking fucking want my fucking money. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| You can't have my fucking money. | ||
| You know, I saw these fucking comics and they're all heartless. | ||
| And Daryl knows I've calmed down. | ||
| Daryl knows you've calmed down and Daryl also knows that everybody knows he's smart. | ||
| This is a strange group you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Calm me smile. | |
| I am smart. | ||
| That's our little duo act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Calm and smart. | |
| We need to get a new Farrelly Brothers script around YouTube, Fox. | ||
| No, but it's like, I actually do some comedy shows like three times a year down there. | ||
| It's a big-ass homeless shelter down there. | ||
| And I'll do comedy shows there like three times a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm telling you, man, it's fucking, it's a zoo, man. | ||
| It is a zoo. | ||
| It's a human zoo. | ||
| But doing comedy in there is fun as shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just imagine. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| That's people who have made gigantic mistakes. | ||
| Every step of the way has been a mistake. | ||
| Well, yeah, and that's a lot of human beings, man. | ||
| There comes a point where they don't consider themselves human anymore. | ||
| Well, no, they're not. | ||
| I mean, at the end of the day. | ||
| I had to shoo them away for a living for a long time. | ||
| It's just like shit. | ||
| Being human is just like some program that you run over the animal system that runs the body. | ||
| You know, being human, it's just that's so fucking fragile. | ||
| So when do you think that the humanity leaves? | ||
| As soon as shit gets ugly. | ||
| Honestly. | ||
| As soon as the power goes out, as soon as there's no food, as soon as your baby's crying, as soon as this guy's got it, you don't. | ||
| As soon as shit gets ugly, man. | ||
| Look at New Orleans, man. | ||
| New Orleans, we saw how ugly that got. | ||
| There was so many murders in New Orleans during after Katrina. | ||
| They can't even tell. | ||
| They don't even know what to do. | ||
| But the niggas was murdering people in New Orleans when the lights was on. | ||
| They were, but it got worse. | ||
| It got way, way, way, way, way worse. | ||
| It got worse with the cops, too. | ||
| The cops went all zombie vigilanteism. | ||
| Cops were driving around in pickup trucks, picking people off with guns. | ||
| There's a lot of crazy shit went down in New Orleans, man. | ||
| A lot of people were killed. | ||
| And that's just, look, yeah, New Orleans is bad as it is. | ||
| But so is LA, man. | ||
| Look what happened with Ronnie King, with the Ronnie King verdict. | ||
| People forget about how crazy it got down here. | ||
| Fires and all over the place. | ||
| I mean, I went all around the country. | ||
| They had different riots in different cities and all that. | ||
| Hold on, you guys can't talk at the same time. | ||
| I'm still in my hands. | ||
| All right, I'll get him down and let him be smart. | ||
| This is the whole theory. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| This is the whole theory with that, though. | ||
| That shit went crazy until it got to about Beverly. | ||
| And then that's when they were like, y'all niggas got to go back the way y'all came from. | ||
| Y'all can burn down. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Y'all can burn down Englewood and you can burn down Compton. | ||
| But once it got to like Beverly-ish, that's when the National Guard was like, y'all ain't coming up here. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| I was here during the LA riots. | ||
| I was living here. | ||
| I was living in Palos Verdes at the time. | ||
| I was 13 years old, and I can say that you— Palace Verdes is out by, it's basically like South Bay area. | ||
| It's the peninsula. | ||
| So where is it in relationship to Carl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
To the ghetto, I mean like basically it's, Palace Verdes doesn't mean shit. | |
| Technically, it's about 10 minutes away from here. | ||
| 10 minutes away. | ||
| So you're close. | ||
| So you got to be nervous. | ||
| This is a freeway area. | ||
| I mean, like, really, you're eating a freeway, so it's not like they're going to march down the freeway straight on the fucking area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They're scary people. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I remember, I mean, like, I think it could be kind of like a physical barrier that's more than just cops when it comes to these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, LA is kind of like this, it's like this big circle. | |
| And on the inside of the circle is like, this is the pit of shit and all that. | ||
| And on the outside, like, you're kind of safe, like the beach and then the hills and everything like that. | ||
| And it's like this physical barrier. | ||
| That's an illusion. | ||
| That's only for level one situation. | ||
| Level two and three situations, everything's off limits. | ||
| There's chaos in the streets. | ||
| The cops abandon their positions. | ||
| No, but we were talking about this earlier up here. | ||
| Robbers just stop. | ||
| When you come to a hill like this, you stop because you're thinking, if I get caught up here, I'm fucking, I'm not getting out of it. | ||
| Right, but listen to what I'm saying. | ||
| This is only level one stuff. | ||
| You're talking about no chaos. | ||
| You're talking about no loss of civility. | ||
| You're talking about, it's basically society is running and it's just a few fuck ups that are going crazy and booty. | ||
| Well, when the shit hits the fan, if this shit ever hits the fan, it's not going to be like that. | ||
| It's not going to be like that. | ||
| There's not going to be civility. | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| I mean, because like just being in jail, like, dog, it's a whole nother world. | ||
| And it's like, I think a lot of times that I'm still kind of institutionalized with like just little shit. | ||
| Like, I can't sleep in my house without a door or like a window open, like a patio door. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just something that, you know, it is. | ||
| So someone can sneak in your house in the middle of the night if they want to. | ||
| Is that what you're telling people? | ||
| You don't want people to come in and kiss you. | ||
| Come on in. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Your ass ain't leaving. | ||
| Come on in. | ||
| You can leave. | ||
| I mean, come in, but you ain't leaving. | ||
| You're scared of kisses. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
| Well, yours. | ||
| I don't understand what this is is this a freedom thing? | ||
| Yeah, it's like it's like being able to know, even subconsciously that I'm not trapped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's like, yeah. | ||
| How many years were you in jail for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two? | |
| Two. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And it's like, even with what you were saying, like, I hate when people use the term subtle to anything. | ||
| It's like, it's just terminology nowadays is just pissing me off because it's like, dog, I'm a firm believer that it ain't no such thing as racism no more as you know it. | ||
| Are you talking about? | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| That's the most ridiculous shit ever. | ||
| Those NASCAR motherfuckers got you brainwashed. | ||
| No, it's true. | ||
| There's racism everywhere. | ||
| There's sexism and there's racism and there's black people hate light brown people. | ||
| It's dude. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| That is some shit that people make up so that they can make money off of that shit, dog. | ||
| Jesse Jackson has a W. Jesse Jackson has a W too, man. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| You two need. | ||
| We need to pause this thing. | ||
| You both, both, you need to get high. | ||
| This is ridiculous shit. | ||
| Because listen, Joe. | ||
| Joe, listen to this, though. | ||
| Listen to my theory, okay? | ||
| My theory is this. | ||
| When you give yourself an excuse to fail, then you have that excuse. | ||
| Whereas there was a time that my race could stop me from accomplishing certain things. | ||
| Those days are over with now. | ||
| So as far as the racism as we think it is, I don't think it's that anymore. | ||
| My race can't stop me from doing anything that I want to do. | ||
| It's certainly less intense, but it doesn't, just because it can't stop you from accomplishing your goals doesn't mean it's not there. | ||
| No matter what you do, it is human nature. | ||
| It is a genetic imperative that we judge. | ||
| We look at genetics. | ||
| We look at the shape of a woman's body. | ||
| Your body tells you this is sexually attractive because this is a woman who's going to have good babies. | ||
| Our entire society is set up. | ||
| You look at people that are bigger than you, you become intimidated. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| That person can dominate you physically. | ||
| All this shit is in place. | ||
| You look at people that aren't you. | ||
| They're black and I'm white. | ||
| Maybe they'll side with themselves and maybe they're on their own team and I should be afraid of them because this is a different team. | ||
| It's almost completely natural. | ||
| Now, as an intelligent person, you're supposed to be able to recognize this is just a human being that was born Chinese and this is a human being that was born African and this and it's all just some crazy lottery and we're all in this together and you should judge people in their actions. | ||
| That's the intelligent evolved approach. | ||
| But how many fucking people are intelligent and evolved? | ||
| It is natural that racism is going to exist. | ||
| It's going to exist just like being stupid is always going to exist. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a human instinct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, maybe, well, I could be racist right now if I wanted to. | |
| You could be? | ||
| Yeah, if I wanted to, but I'm not going to. | ||
| Oh, but that's exactly. | ||
| But it exists in this room. | ||
| It could exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insanity. | |
| Easily. | ||
| Well, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But to me, it's still insanity. | |
| You're saying two totally different things. | ||
| And on one hand, I totally agree with you that you can accomplish anything you want to do. | ||
| And oftentimes you put limitations on yourself, saying, you know, hey, as a black man, I'm never going to get past this. | ||
| Hey, as a guy who was born up here, I'm never going to be on television. | ||
| I'm never going to do that. | ||
| You can impose those limitations on you. | ||
| And those are self-fulfilling prophecies, man. | ||
| You can really decide. | ||
| Your life is going to be a shitty life. | ||
| You're absolutely correct about that. | ||
| No one can stop you from doing what you want to do, but they will try. | ||
| Don't think they won't try. | ||
| Don't think they won't say things. | ||
| Don't think racism is. | ||
| No, it's not fair, but you can't say racism isn't real. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's real. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that it has to stop you. | ||
| And it doesn't mean we have to tolerate it, but it means that slowly we're moving away from the animal. | ||
| But how long have we been a human? | ||
| I mean, when you go back, at what point in time does it stop being a human? | ||
| Is it Australia Pithecus? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Which monkey is it? | ||
| Where you say that's not a human anymore? | ||
| So everything from that is trying to get away from being an animal. | ||
| So the animal's still here, though. | ||
| It takes some time to get all that shit out of your system. | ||
| Well, you also have to be, I think, forward thinking in that type of concept because, you know what? | ||
| For instance, I'll give you a great example of this. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Just the fact, and this is going to sound weird. | ||
| Just the fact that I'm on this podcast, for instance, it's plenty of comics that I respect and I love, but they would not let me into their home. | ||
| So what is that? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Is that racism or is that just- Like, you say, like, every time we've hung out, you're like, man, I'm so happy you're hanging out with me. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck you talking about? | ||
| We're all hanging out together. | ||
| You said that to me when I've gotten you on stage before. | ||
| You said, you know, this guy. | ||
| We all go on stage. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You're putting that shit on yourself. | ||
| No, but you don't understand the stages that I normally get on. | ||
| I do, though, because I've seen you at the improv. | ||
| I mean, you get at the improv, bro. | ||
| It's not like you only get on stage these shitty places. | ||
| But I was saying that to say this. | ||
| It's not a matter of what race I am as far as that's concerned. | ||
| It's just the comfort level. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And where you were saying that people see stuff a certain way, I think that I programmed myself to put racism out of the picture and just handle myself a certain way so that I can't. | ||
| I understand you've done that with your mind. | ||
| I understand that you're doing that. | ||
| So maybe me making that blanket statement was a little bit too much. | ||
| But in my mind, I can't see racism as an option for me to blame something or something exterior for me not doing what I got. | ||
| I guarantee you we could have an awesome TV show where it take you and put you in a fucking bow tie and bring you around white neighborhoods in the South. | ||
| And you will see some fucking racism like you wouldn't believe. | ||
| I've like been to the South, man. | ||
| I know you have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been to the South. | |
| I love the South because what I'm saying, you by yourself with a clipboard going through white neighborhoods. | ||
| My whole theory. | ||
| Now, see, now. | ||
| Write down every time someone calls you a nigger. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| You need more paper. | ||
| Shit, I'm out of paper. | ||
| Bro, you need a fucking phone book. | ||
| What he's getting, though. | ||
| I'm like, I wouldn't say racism is dead either. | ||
| I think that's always a bold statement he's making. | ||
| But I mean, like, honestly, like, we're at a point now where it's like, like, all right, when the, when, when people, Wiggers, for instance, okay, Wiggers, people say, all right, Wiggers, it's a very dangerous word to say, right? | ||
| No, they wish they were black. | ||
| Do you feel bad saying Wigger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wigger? | |
| No, I don't say no. | ||
| I feel when I say Wigger to somebody, I feel like I kind of sort of said nigger. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Yeah, but you pulled that motherfucking trigger. | ||
| Wiggers don't want to be black folks. | ||
| No, you got to remember, I'm trying to tell you. | ||
| I mean, like, wiggers aren't anymore just trying to be black people. | ||
| This is like an older. | ||
| You're taking this way too seriously. | ||
| This motherfucker ain't laughing with us. | ||
| He's got his wigger point that he wants to get through. | ||
| I want to make my fucking wigger point. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Is it more powerful when I say fucking wigger too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But no. | ||
| All right. | ||
| They don't want to be black. | ||
| They're wiggers. | ||
| We're not talking about they want to be African Americans. | ||
| They want to be their wiggers. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, they're not looking to take Obama's place one day. | ||
| They're trying to be these thug-ass retards, like the lowest of what the black race could possibly have to offer. | ||
| And I mean, like, basically, this is just something that is getting generalized in the old school thought. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whereas nowadays, we can say, like, no, any fucking you're talking about, man, you're speaking some nonsense, bro. | |
| You're just talking jazz right now. | ||
| For those of y'all at home, for those of y'all at home, Joe is like, go ahead and let him make his point so I can get higher. | ||
| Yeah, I'm firing up. | ||
| You're talking nonsense, son. | ||
| Joe is like, go ahead and talk because I'm getting listen. | ||
| It's important to get called on nonsense talk because you can go your whole life talking nonsense talking and get away with that shit. | ||
| I'm starting to have heart palpitations right now. | ||
| About what? | ||
| About this show? | ||
| From being higher. | ||
| From what? | ||
| From being so high right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| See, tell me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me that. | |
| No. | ||
| Coffee. | ||
| Coffee. | ||
| But I could always get higher. | ||
| Joe, I had the most crazy thing happen to me last night. | ||
| I found out about a whole new sex fetish that I had no idea existed. | ||
| And it's the most disturbing fucking thing in the world. | ||
| It's for kids when you're a kid and your mom yells at you and you liked it. | ||
| You know, like, you know, when your mom used to yell at you, you hated it. | ||
| But there's people out there that when their mom yelled at them, they loved it. | ||
| And so when they grew up, they liked these things called gigantic women. | ||
| And so, you know, like the old sci-fi videos of like, you know, the attack of the sci-fi. | ||
| R-Crumb type women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, or the attack of the 50-foot women and stuff like that. | ||
| So there's now fetish websites where it's like little G.I. Joe characters and like naked girls. | ||
| And it's fucking so creepy, the lifestyle that there is. | ||
| So the fetish is women with dolls? | ||
| Women with small dolls that they kind of pretend that it's a person. | ||
| Yeah, and like they're back. | ||
| They like command them to do things. | ||
| They lock them up in cages. | ||
| And they have full-on movies. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| The women command the dolls to do things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or they're yelling at the dolls, like, you know, kind of like as a mom. | ||
| Like, I was talking to one of the girls that was in one of these movies, and they're like, yeah, it's really weird because like you're yelling at these dolls and then like one would knock over and then you have to kind of set it back up while you're in scene and stuff like that. | ||
| So I went to this website and this is a beautiful website. | ||
| At first I was shocked, but now I think I love this shit and I think it's the coolest shit ever. | ||
| It's called giantess.net. | ||
| G-I-N-T-E-S-S. | ||
| G-I-N or G-I-A-N? | ||
| G-I-A-N-N. | ||
| T-E-S-S.net. | ||
| Okay, Giantess. | ||
| Giantess. | ||
| And they have forums, they have chat rooms, and they have everything like that. | ||
| But the crazy thing is that they sell clips of like, like girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what the fuck? | |
| Girls in small. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Joe, just look at this. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Dolls with little penises that. | ||
| They're sucking on the dolls. | ||
| Yeah, and then there's like parts where like they're putting dolls in them, each other. | ||
| Are they still yelling at the dolls when they put them in each other? | ||
| But why is it dolls? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| It's because it's the little man, big. | ||
| It's a big show doll. | ||
| Yeah, but they pretend that that's them or something. | ||
| Yeah, people sit there. | ||
| Okay, you know what? | ||
| It's a little green doll. | ||
| I mean, the doll doesn't even look human. | ||
| It's a stupid looking thing. | ||
| It's got a big flat bottom where it has to stand up, you know, like it's surfing. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| You know, that always bugged me out about those dolls. | ||
| Like, you can't even make a doll, like army men. | ||
| You can't even make one that stands on its own. | ||
| You have to have a surfboard under it everywhere. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| You can't even present. | ||
| My favorite shit's the Emily Parker ones. | ||
| If you look at it, search that website for the Emily Parker. | ||
| It's also on sizefetishzone.com. | ||
| And you'll just become addicted to this shit. | ||
| Well, I'm looking at the forums, right? | ||
| I'm afraid not. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I'm afraid. | ||
| Giantess and small men. | ||
| Oh my God, this forum is stuffed. | ||
| Yeah, and it's just so strange. | ||
| It's all these girls, and they're sucking the dicks of these little tiny men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have like little dicks that they put on them. | ||
| This is so strange. | ||
| Oh, this is on some other shit. | ||
| It's super popular. | ||
| And it's weird. | ||
| Like, when you see these sci-fi movies with, you know, attack the 50-foot woman, most guys just go, wow, that's kind of cool, a big woman. | ||
| But there's people addicted to that shit. | ||
| Like, that's what that gets them off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I spent all night watching shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of people with a lot of time on their fucking hands, though. | |
| Is it a time thing, man? | ||
| That's a time thing, Joe. | ||
| Developing a human being from child to adult is very, very complicated. | ||
| And all sorts of things are set up in place, you know, to make sure that you become a successful person or to encourage you. | ||
| And when those things get hijacked and weird shit happens like abuse, you know, weird little fucking fetishes develop in the mind. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| This is a trailer. | ||
| If you go on YouTube and type in giantest trailer 2009, this is kind of give you a sample where it shows a really big woman and little people. | ||
| What the f-And it's- Oh, my God. | ||
| She just crushed him. | ||
| She just crushed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just giant women and small men. | |
| There's small women in their underwear. | ||
| And the women are stomping on them and they're swallowing them and stuffing them in their pussies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this only came from their moms yelling at them. | ||
| That's what supposedly, like, the people that are into this thing has a mommy. | ||
| Look how small these ones are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a big bitch. | ||
| That just goes to show it's how you're built, man. | ||
| You can put any kid through anything. | ||
| I guess it's just how you're built. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| Okay, you know what? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| And I'm addicted to it now. | ||
| I now have that fetished, and it's not for a boner. | ||
| I can totally see where that's going. | ||
| I can totally see where that's going. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| That's strange. | ||
| Yeah, and I've always thought about that because, you know, like the Indian in the cupboard, I was always thinking, like, wow, you know, this is a book for kids about a naked, half-dressed man that is put in, he kept him in his pocket, and his name is like Big Bear or something like that. | ||
| And there was something weird and sexual about that naked Indian guy and your kid. | ||
| If your kid, if you, your kid came up to you and you had a naked Indian man in your pocket, you'd be fucking pissed. | ||
| Was he a naked one or was he one of those Indians with all the feathers and shit? | ||
| Well, no, he had, I think he just had like that little, you know. | ||
| That little loincloth on it. | ||
| Yeah, a little loincloth with a little feather and his ball hanging out on one side. | ||
| Weird little naked man hiding in your fucking plates. | ||
| And the kid was like, never tell your parents about our secret. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's like fucking... | ||
| They don't make sex stories like that. | ||
| Was there a movie by Indian in the cupboard? | ||
| Who was in that movie? | ||
| Somebody romantic. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Fucking movie. | ||
| Don't let a girl down. | ||
| Know who was in it? | ||
| The guy from the oh my god. | ||
| Well, let's just find out. | ||
| The guy from the what's the movie with Hugh Grant? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the guy from the movie where they keep going to weddings and fucking bitches oh wedding crashers yeah the wedding crashers the one guy from the wedding crashers went in that because he because he played a movie from 1995 i think he played a cowboy in that pal skardino lightfoot and lindsey crow are listed as the actors so i don't know who oh no he was in no he was in the smithsonian movie never mind okay telling you we're gonna have a new rule no no more sober people when | |
| When they come over here, they don't smoke weed. | ||
| Okay, look. | ||
| Here's what the deal was. | ||
| All right, let's be perfectly blunt. | ||
| I am a drinker. | ||
| You were about to say perfectly blunt, but you don't even say that word, do you? | ||
| No, I don't even say it. | ||
| I am a drinker, but I wasn't going to come to Joe's house fucked up. | ||
| You bitches need to get on some comedy steroids. | ||
| That's what's going on. | ||
| You need to get on this weed. | ||
| Stop playing around. | ||
| You're playing games. | ||
| You're playing games with your future. | ||
| You're risking your future talking nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| I'm not talking about it. | ||
| It can save you from this. | ||
| We can save you from this. | ||
| We're talking about pedophilia shit and all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I'm still tripping out. | ||
| Who the fuck? | ||
| Pedophilia is important. | ||
| What that is, whatever that is, we need to find out about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to investigate. | |
| Who the fuck has time for that shit, man? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's not a time thing, man. | ||
| It's like that's what they like best. | ||
| If they had all the time in the world, they would do that. | ||
| If they had an hour a day, they would do that. | ||
| How do you find out that you like that shit? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Your mom yells at you. | ||
| No, it's no. | ||
| It's more than your mom yells at you. | ||
| It's deeper than that. | ||
| Your mom spanked you and then she felt bad about it, so she jerked you off. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like something like that has to happen early on. | ||
| It's deeper than that, man. | ||
| That's some shit where you have to discover that you like that shit, man. | ||
| Yeah, you have to discover that. | ||
| The crazy thing about the internet is if you like something, there's got to be a website out there where there's a gang of other people that love it, too. | ||
| It's not like the old days. | ||
| I saw that documentary before you mentioned it, Joe. | ||
| Zoo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's crazy, right? | ||
| Yeah, because they were talking about how they thought they were alone, and then the internet came out. | ||
| And then there are other people who fuck horses, too. | ||
| And it's okay. | ||
| And I can be part of a club now. | ||
| Yeah, Zoo is one of the weirdest documentaries ever. | ||
| And it's weird how they did it, too, because it was like a reenactment. | ||
| They didn't really have footage, so they had a reenactment of everything. | ||
| I thought they were just cutting away real quick. | ||
| The editing was weird. | ||
| Who was in the reenactment of fucking a... | ||
| No, they had the actual video of the dude getting fucked to death by the horse, and then the noises were fucking disturbing. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure you can imagine that much, but I mean... | ||
| I admit it. | ||
| I got rock hard, though. | ||
| Did you get hard? | ||
| Which part? | ||
| What part got you hard? | ||
| During a fucking other horse? | ||
| Oh, the guy died. | ||
| Hit that shit, kid. | ||
| Stop playing around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These motherfuckers want to come here and stay sober. | |
| Going small. | ||
| What kind of shit is this? | ||
| Get some of that, Daryl. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Daryl, stop playing around. | ||
| Stop fucking around. | ||
| Everyone needs to calm down here. | ||
| Daryl, just have a little. | ||
| It's better for you. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| You'll see the world in a better light. | ||
| I see it in a perfectly good light, man. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Don't be scared of weed, bro. | ||
| It's not real weed. | ||
| I took a little pussy. | ||
| It's like Nick Diaz says. | ||
| Don't be scared, homie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The reason I quit the weed, Joe, I mean, really, it's not because, you know, it's a fear. | |
| It's a fear thing, anything like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just, the last time I think it was, it was my old boxing trainer and he was leaving the gym. | |
| And I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| You know, he wanted to smoke. | ||
| So it's like a little bonding session that we'd have. | ||
| And so we smoked out. | ||
| And then after we were done smoking out, I mean, he's a stoner. | ||
| And I forget. | ||
| He's totally used to it. | ||
| So he's just like, all right, get out of my truck. | ||
| And I'm like, you're going to leave me alone? | ||
| I'm just high as shit. | ||
| And I ended up going home, eating all my food. | ||
| And I watched America's Got Talent for an hour and a half. | ||
| And then I woke up going, that was the most useless fucking night of my life. | ||
| I mean, I just. | ||
| That sounds like a good day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Depending on who the contestants are in America's Got Talent. | |
| It's like I should have gone and tried to do something. | ||
| I'm sitting there broke in my studio apartment. | ||
| So that ruined you, this one time smoking weed? | ||
| So you said, that's it? | ||
| No, I'd stopped years before. | ||
| But then I went back and I was like, well, that was dumb. | ||
| I was just like. | ||
| For real, it's not for everybody. | ||
| But a lot of people, they give it up too quick. | ||
| No, I think, you know what? | ||
| I was just telling him this before we went on. | ||
| I'm like, someday I probably will go back to smoking weed. | ||
| Because I don't find nothing wrong with it. | ||
| It's just at the time where I'm at right now, I'm on grind mode. | ||
| So it's like, dog, I don't have time to just be high. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So it's like. | ||
| Well, it depends on what you're trying to do. | ||
| You know, some people, they're trying to get high because they just want to get fucked up. | ||
| And they just want to kick back. | ||
| And they just want to just chill out and get fucked up. | ||
| And just sort of skate their life away. | ||
| And just like, but weed makes me more ambitious. | ||
| I mean, I don't know about you. | ||
| But weed makes me realize like, damn, I got to get some shit done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would be scared to be more ambitious than I am right now. | |
| Are you real ambitious? | ||
| Yeah, though. | ||
| It's like. | ||
| But not in a Hollywood type of way. | ||
| Just like a life type of way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so much stuff that I'm using comedy for in my life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| More than just like TV or some shit like that. | ||
| It's just, you know, I look at comedy sometimes as penance. | ||
| I look at it as. | ||
| As penance? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I've done some evil shit, though. | ||
| So you think comedy is somehow or another your punishment for doing this evil shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like penance as far as payback for the evil shit that I've done. | ||
| Making people. | ||
| Laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Laugh is like penance. | ||
| Or like, is that the right word? | ||
| Penance? | ||
| Not quite. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I see what you're saying, though. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Whatever the word is. | ||
| I know exactly what you're saying. | ||
| I have a penance. | ||
| I guess you were right about me saying that I was smart. | ||
| Because I'm using wrong fucking words and everything. | ||
| Well, you're not a dumb guy, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Emancipation. | ||
| Emancipation. | ||
| You said that in a black voice, you racist fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker. | |
| No, but it's like, you know. | ||
| What's wrong with you, Brian? | ||
| Like, for instance, I was lucky enough to get with the managers that I got. | ||
| You already know who they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't. | |
| Who's your manager? | ||
| Oh, you see. | ||
| I don't pay attention to shit. | ||
| I don't know anybody's business. | ||
| I'm managed by George Collins'manager, man. | ||
| Jerry Hamza. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| And I got with them. | ||
| That's pretty huge. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, dog. | ||
| So, as far as me being. | ||
| What kind of advice they give you? | ||
| Dog, it sucks for me. | ||
| Stop being so black. | ||
| Try to grow your ponytail out. | ||
| out can you can you lighten your skin and no it's can you do a clean set no it's actually just the opposite man really go blacker no get a tan no no nigger it up a little dog i've had i've actually had people tell me that prior to them dog what did they tell you i've had a dude tell me right there was a manager that told me because i do based on the news And he was like, you know what? | ||
| You really should stop reading the newspaper because black people don't read newspapers. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| Well, who told you this? | ||
| Dog, it's a fucking agent that told me. | ||
| I've had some of the worst advice ever from agents and managers. | ||
| Here's my favorite. | ||
| The Kevin James old manager said, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing roles. | ||
| He told him to not lose weight because if you lose weight, you're going to lose parts. | ||
| You won't be able to go out for roles. | ||
| That's what he's saying. | ||
| You won't be the fat guy. | ||
| Fuck being healthy. | ||
| No, you're not capable of doing it on your own. | ||
| You're here and you're going to get lucky. | ||
| We're not going to find some special talent in you. | ||
| He also said that he would never be the lead in anything. | ||
| I understand just because of your body type. | ||
| You'll never be the lead. | ||
| Meanwhile, the fuck, man. | ||
| Dude's on can of queens for seven years. | ||
| He's in movies that make hundreds of millions. | ||
| I just shut the fuck up. | ||
| But no, it's just, it's always the motherfuckers. | ||
| It's always the motherfuckers that can't do it that tell you what you can't do. | ||
| Well, they may, see, the reason being is they make money from you and they want to figure out what is the way they can make the most money from you. | ||
| What is the way you're going to be the most successful? | ||
| And they think that they can kind of mold you and get you to become something that you're not. | ||
| And that thing will be more successful. | ||
| But they don't understand. | ||
| You'll never achieve greatness that way. | ||
| Not that we ever will, but you know, I mean, you never hit the zone. | ||
| Instead of achieve greatness, it sounds very grandiose, and I never think about myself that way, honestly. | ||
| But I do think of hitting the zone. | ||
| And I think you can't hit the zone if you're trying to pretend to be something that you're not or you're putting on some sort of an act. | ||
| I think you hit the zone when you have the purest expression of your thoughts on stage in an entertaining form. | ||
| It's your real thoughts. | ||
| It's not like you acted to try to get someone to like you more. | ||
| I've done that before, dressed away to get people to like you more. | ||
| Because you touch people in more of an authentic type of way if it's you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Honestly, it's the only way you touch them. | ||
| It's the only way you really touch them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, and I'm, and just the opposite with my manager is he has so much money from Carlin that he's not really in a hurry to make money, which sucks for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But in a way, it doesn't suck for you. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, because he doesn't, like, this is. | |
| He's probably listening right now. | ||
| Well, this is one of his favorite sayings because I was like, you know, it was some stuff happening and it was some stuff that I wanted to try out for. | ||
| And he was like, dog, that's not good for your career in the long haul. | ||
| And I'm like, well, I need the money. | ||
| And he's like, will you stop thinking like a broke ass nigga and think like a fucking nigga? | ||
| He said that to you? | ||
| Broke ass nigga? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Is he a white guy? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Maybe he just took you on just so he could use those words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know what I did. | |
| It's his fetish. | ||
| It's his giant woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I'm not. | |
| I was trying to say what I was saying. | ||
| No, because it's like, dog. | ||
| And he's right. | ||
| Okay, but what was it that he told you not to do? | ||
| I wanted to try out to try to do Def Jam on like Comedy Jam? | ||
| Yeah, on like Comedy Central. | ||
| And he was like, no, you aren't going to do that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, you aren't going to dumb down your comedy to be on this bullshit. | ||
| Here's the deal, dude. | ||
| You don't have to dumb it down. | ||
| You just have to do your best shit. | ||
| Do some shit that's tight. | ||
| Do some shit that's funny and tight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's silly. | |
| But what wound up happening is I wound up getting this special on Showtime instead. | ||
| That's uncensored. | ||
| That's basically me doing a spot that's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's everything that I do, which is what is what is that for? | |
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, it's on next Saturday, April 23rd on Showtime. | ||
| It's actually with John Lovitz. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is it a John? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is the John Lovitz presents? | |
| Okay. | ||
| And it's a bunch of comics. | ||
| Yeah, it's me, Quinn Dale, and Ian Back. | ||
| Okay, nice. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be fun, man. | ||
| And it's like uncensored. | ||
| It's all of us doing 15 with John each and shit. | ||
| But here's the thing about Def Jam, to just to counter your manager's, what he said. | ||
| Dave Chappelle did Def Jam. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yeah, but that was when it was necessary, though, Joe. | ||
| You did, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't everybody do Def Jam? | |
| Martin Lawrence did Def Jam. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| But that was when it was necessary. | ||
| Yeah, but bro, it doesn't matter if it's necessary, unnecessary. | ||
| It matters. | ||
| Is there a stage? | ||
| Is there a microphone? | ||
| Do you want to do it? | ||
| Do you want to do it? | ||
| Then go do it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you're just doing stand-up, man. | ||
| Who gives a fuck if it's on Def Jam? | ||
| It's you. | ||
| When they say, ladies and gentlemen, Darrell Wright, and you take that microphone, it doesn't fucking matter if it's on Def Jam or if it's on anything. | ||
| It's just you. | ||
| It's you with a microphone and a stage and a camera on you. | ||
| Chappelle's done it a few times. | ||
| He even did the poetry jam. | ||
| He's done like multiple. | ||
| Did you do the poetry jam? | ||
| Yeah, he was doing it. | ||
| That was some ridiculous shit. | ||
| You want to talk about some self-end shit? | ||
| If you want to write all that slop, you better give me some fucking laughs in there. | ||
| I am a strong woman. | ||
| Grow up in the projects. | ||
| By the time I was six, strong like wood. | ||
| By the time I was eight, iron instead. | ||
| I am what I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rise from the fire flames inside of me. | |
| Wanting to burst out, not wanting to accept my lower clap. | ||
| I just made that shit up. | ||
| And you can go up there and you can write those. | ||
| They're easy and they're stupid. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Why is it always the light-skinned people? | ||
| Why is it always the light-skinned black people that write the fucking? | ||
| Because they're confused. | ||
| There's a white mom and the black dad, and the white mom is really into yoga and tofu. | ||
| What are you mad about, man? | ||
| Black dad didn't want to stick around. | ||
| There's a lot of issues. | ||
| She can't really quite rock dreadlocks. | ||
| She tries, but she get up there with that nose ring and spit out that fucking poetry jam. | ||
| That's not poetry. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| So this, I should clarify, I'm bullshitting mostly. | ||
| I'm just playing around. | ||
| I went to a poetry jam reading once in Venice, and it was kind of interesting. | ||
| There was a few people that were legit. | ||
| It's like they had some legit thoughts. | ||
| You know, it's like most poetry you say, well, what is it? | ||
| It's just horseshit. | ||
| It's like, it's a bunch of self-indulgent, you know, wishy-washy nonsense. | ||
| But then you read like Bukowski. | ||
| Like Bukowski had some poetry that you're like, whoa. | ||
| Like he had a great fucking story about taking his shit, having a beer shit, and then his wallet falling into the shit. | ||
| And it was really fucking funny. | ||
| But it was basically poetry. | ||
| I mean, it was poetry in these little short stories. | ||
| Did you ever write poetry to like women or ex-girlfriends or anything like that? | ||
| Because I would die. | ||
| I would pay money to read one of your fucking poems. | ||
| They're probably so. | ||
| I must have. | ||
| I can't remember specifically. | ||
| I know I left some weak ass voicemails. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Oh, for real? | ||
| Well, when you're a kid, first of all, you get dumped and you don't want to accept it. | ||
| And you want to figure out there's got to be a way to get this chick back. | ||
| And so you start trying to pretend and trying to manipulate the situation and pretend you have feelings other than the ones that you do. | ||
| It's not even that he wants a pussy, I think. | ||
| It's like your self-esteem doesn't want to accept that this person doesn't like you anymore. | ||
| So you just start pretending to be someone who you're not. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| At one point in time, it becomes a game. | ||
| It's like when you teach a chimp that if he puts a bunch of little pegs in order, then a piece of fruit comes out. | ||
| Well, that chimp's going to figure that's that's his reward thing, you know. | ||
| And for a dude, like you start getting pussy and you start getting love, and then all of a sudden this person breaks up and you're like, damn, what little buttons do I have to press to get my apple back? | ||
| I played a song once for a chick. | ||
| I don't play any fucking instruments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you know what's me. | |
| A fucking song. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Because it was so unlike me and so like non-tuffy. | ||
| Do you talk about it on stage? | ||
| Oh God, I have to start because I mean I never had to sing it. | ||
| I swear to God, I could have sworn at the time I was thinking like, well, if she sees this come out of me, I'll just sing it to her without any fucking instruments or something like that. | ||
| She'll sit like, oh my God, he really is. | ||
| I cannot remember. | ||
| so fucking thankful I never got around to singing that song because I would like shot myself. | ||
| I cannot remember whether I ever... | ||
| You write a song and you go, listen, if you don't talk to me after today for the rest of your life, I just want you to know that I wrote this for you. | ||
| Just sit down. | ||
| Please listen to this. | ||
| And then after the end, she's like, that was fucking terrible. | ||
| I am so glad I dumped you. | ||
| You are sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I was talking about. | |
| You pathetic fuck. | ||
| You made a shitty stone for me. | ||
| Hey, Joe, you want some like, you want some like man shit. | ||
| Now, this is. | ||
| I'm on some man shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you want some man shit. | |
| I'm going to put that on my Wikipedia. | ||
| Somebody, I know, look, by the way, I've never edited my Wikipedia. | ||
| I don't touch it. | ||
| I've never even read it. | ||
| I don't correct bad things. | ||
| So if you want to just make some shit up, if you want to put, please feel free. | ||
| But I want that on there. | ||
| Use that. | ||
| Joe's on some man shit. | ||
| I'm on some man shit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, that's my only request. | ||
| You don't have to write any credits that I don't really have. | ||
| You should make a t-shirt that says I'm on some man shit. | ||
| I don't have Crohn's disease either, so please stop emailing me. | ||
| Oh, yes, you. | ||
| Fellow Crohn's sufferers, I appreciate your illness, but I just feel bad that all these people think Wikipedia, they just make shit up. | ||
| Wikipedia, it also says Brian Callan's my brother. | ||
| So I don't change it. | ||
| He's my brother, as far as I'm concerned. | ||
| I've had like 10 Wikipedias, and they automatically just get deleted because it's the most retarded shit. | ||
| There's not even one sentence that was ever real. | ||
| And then it just worst. | ||
| The absolute worst is when you know a dude wrote his own Wikipedia. | ||
| Is there anything creepier in life than reading some dude's thing like, you know, an honored and cherished member of the comedy community? | ||
| He has been like, fuck yeah, they do. | ||
| Fuck yeah, they do. | ||
| Yeah, I've read sportscasters that I've known, like fight commentators that I know they wrote their own shit. | ||
| I've read it for comedians where I know they wrote their own shit. | ||
| You read it and you're like, what the fuck is this nonsense? | ||
| A breath of fresh air in a stagnant comedy community. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Okay, like dude, what are you talking about? | ||
| What am I doing wrong where I would never do no shit like that? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What are you doing right? | ||
| Of course you wouldn't. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Listen, man, you got to spend as little time as possible projecting who you want people to think you are. | ||
| Do that shit through your work. | ||
| If you've got somebody that wants to write a bio for you, or if you write a bio of your own, it better be silly. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Better help you. | ||
| You're blowing yourself up. | ||
| It's my third time on stage. | ||
| I let the presenter know this was going to be the next big star of comedy. | ||
| I held myself up to that standard. | ||
| I've had it ever since. | ||
| That would be hilarious. | ||
| That's actually what I'm going through right now is like this management team, they want me to help write a bio. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to say, man? | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, look, you should help write it because it's your. | ||
| I gave him some info, but it's like, what am I supposed to say? | ||
| I don't know what. | ||
| Jason Murlow. | ||
| Just be funny, man. | ||
| Just be funny about it. | ||
| If you're going to write a bio, man, this is what I say. | ||
| If you're a com I don't, I didn't write my bio. | ||
| My bio is written by someone else and it's embarrassing and I don't like it. | ||
| Some sparrows, Taekwondo stuff in there and shit that I would never put in there. | ||
| If I was going to rewrite my bio, I would definitely have to make it funny. | ||
| You have to make it silly, as silly as possible. | ||
| You know, make up some shit. | ||
| Make up some shit about unicorn wrestling. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck you're going to do. | ||
| But, you know, when you read someone's like really self-congratulatory bios and how they really view themselves, like, ugh, it's disgusting. | ||
| You can't even enjoy them on stage because you think all this guy's doing is he just wants you to think he's a bad person. | ||
| He's jacking himself off. | ||
| It's like, I can't, he's just jacking himself off vertically. | ||
| One of the most unpleasant things is someone who takes himself way too seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Oh, that's insane. | ||
| They're sitting up there, you know, trying to make you laugh. | ||
| And everything's a joke except them. | ||
| How about comics that try shit out on you? | ||
| Hey, man, how about this bit? | ||
| I'm thinking about doing this on stage. | ||
| Hey, folks, have you ever noticed that when you, you know, like, and they're like trying it on you? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| What I suffer from is I hate when you're off stage and you can tell it's coming. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, this isn't a conversation. | ||
| This is a setup. | ||
| It's like, you got your setup, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's faking a conversation. | ||
| Yeah, and then here's the story. | ||
| Just to get to his joke. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And they're like, motherfucker, you practicing materials on me? | ||
| Yeah, at least if, like, you're a comic and you say, hey, dude, I got a problem with this bit. | ||
| Tell me that thing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I don't know how to get out of this bit. | ||
| You know, I mean, we all have bits, right? | ||
| Don't you have bits? | ||
| I mean, I've had a few bits where I'm like, damn, how do I get out of this motherfucker? | ||
| Like, I got all these laughs, but how do I get out of this? | ||
| There's no way to get out of it. | ||
| It's like a segue, where is it? | ||
| It just ends on a cliff, you know? | ||
| And then sometimes that's good. | ||
| See, that's why I really don't hang out as much. | ||
| Like, you see me at comedy clubs, but I really don't hang out with like a whole bunch of comics because it's like, I like real conversations. | ||
| Like, I like going to bars and just hanging out and stuff like that. | ||
| Just talking to people. | ||
| You can have real conversations with comics. | ||
| It's just a lot of people. | ||
| You got to find the right comics. | ||
| Well, see, this is what happened to me. | ||
| Like, when I moved out to Los Angeles, like you and some other comics and guys were lucky because you have comics in your class per se. | ||
| It's like dudes that you came up through the ranks with. | ||
| Well, I moved out to LA and I was in a weird circumstance because I was like kind of by myself moving out here by myself and I really didn't fit in on the open mic circuit but I wasn't a headliner so I was right in the middle because I had spent so much time in New York kind of getting seasoned so I wasn't quite an open micer as far as my skill but as far as my notoriety but I wasn't a headliner because I didn't have that type of pull so I was really stuck in the middle of some shit and then you have classes of comics that all grow up together so | ||
| I really can't bounce shit off of. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard if you don't have someone that's with you in that same area. | ||
| Like, that's the one thing that I wish that I had come to L.A. earlier or maybe later, not when I did, is because if I had come earlier, I would have that group of people. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You have that group that you go through with. | ||
| Man, you should never think like that. | ||
| You came at the exact right time for you. | ||
| You can't ever think like that, you know? | ||
| There's self-defeating thoughts like that don't get you anywhere. | ||
| Like, man, if I had just come this, you know, it's good to be around a group of people, but it's also good to be around some people that are way ahead of you and you're forced to pick up the pace and accelerate to their frequency. | ||
| I've been lucky as hell on that level because, and that goes back to the competition aspect of me. | ||
| It's like, just as far as, man, working with you, I've done shows with Bill Burr, just fucking fire-ass comics and it's like, dog, it's just, these dudes are so tight that it's just like it makes you look at your own shit and say, I gotta tighten this shit up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I'm supposed to be doing. | ||
| Not the jokes, but that's how it's supposed to be. | ||
| And this is what I'm doing, so I'm doing something wrong. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| It's like that type of shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the best things about being around high-level comedians like in L.A. You get to see real high-level stuff and be inspired by it and it makes your own, you recognize what you like about that. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, man, he's got very little time in between his punchlines. | ||
| He hits you hard with it. | ||
| And they're like, oh, you see that. | ||
| You're like, what am I enjoying? | ||
| And how come I'm not, my pace, I need to pick my pace up. | ||
| I need to do this. | ||
| Maybe I have too many words in these jokes. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| And then the whole one thing that really trips me out about you is, and I'll tell him that, dog, it's so cool to know Joe because the funny part is he doesn't have to be funny, but he works at being funny. | ||
| Like looking at all these stars doing comedy nowadays, you could go out just as the UFC dude and make money. | ||
| I mean, that's not you, but you could do that. | ||
| But for you to even bother to work at this craft and actually be funny and work at it, dog, that says something about your personality, dog, because you really don't got to do it. | ||
| Well, sort of, but I do because it's what makes me better at everything I do. | ||
| It makes me a better commentator. | ||
| Doing stand-up, I think, makes me better as a human being. | ||
| It forces me to think about things on a whole other level. | ||
| It forces me to consider every single angle of every single subject, whether it's something that's going, a nuclear problem in China or financial bullshit, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| When you're a comic, man, you start probing things, not just because you're curious about it, but also because, like, is there a joke in here? | ||
| What's the angle of this fucking thing? | ||
| It's really... | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
| How could this have been avoided? | ||
| Well, what the fuck? | ||
| How come they didn't do that? | ||
| Boom, there's the joke. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's a lot of times. | ||
| It's really expanded my view on life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just a lot of things that I never thought about. | ||
| And you'll do it just like me. | ||
| You'll do it forever. | ||
| No matter whatever else comes, that's the one thing that you'll realize is that comedy is the most fun. | ||
| It's the most rewarding. | ||
| And, like, even a fucking hundred people, or 80 tomorrow night, or tonight, rather. | ||
| We're doing Sal's Comedy Hall. | ||
| There'll be 80 people there tonight. | ||
| Are you coming? | ||
| You gonna do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's an awesome place. | ||
| Sal's Comedy Hall is the shit. | ||
| If you've never been, we're there tonight. | ||
| We're there almost every Wednesday. | ||
| I won't be there next week. | ||
| But almost every Wednesday, it's on Melrose Street, and it's this fun little tight-ass club. | ||
| And we go in there, and we fuck around. | ||
| And it's, what was my point? | ||
| What the hell was I talking about before that? | ||
| As far as expanding your mind as far as how you think, and then doing comedy forever, and that's the most fun that you have. | ||
| Yeah, it's the most fun. | ||
| The point was, yeah, it doesn't matter if it's 80 people, or if it's fucking, you know, Toronto, April 29th, I'm doing. | ||
| That's 2,500 people, you know? | ||
| It's almost sold out, too. | ||
| 2,500 fucking people. | ||
| I did 1,800 in Seattle. | ||
| You know, you do these giant fucking shows. | ||
| They're fun as shit. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| It's also fun to do 50 fucking people. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's fun to do a late-night show. | ||
| You stop in on a Wednesday night at the... | ||
| improv and you go on last and it's the 10 p.m show and there's a hundred people in that audience and they're tired and it's still fun as shit it doesn't matter if it's on television it doesn't when you start getting good at comedy you will realize that that is the number one fun thing to do as an entertainer so all my other shit that i do i kind of do like also but if i had to choose one it would be comedy that's what i was thinking like if like if like if somebody took everything away and said all you can do is one thing it wouldn't even be close there's i wouldn't say there's no way i would just | ||
| commentating for the UFC. | ||
| Because I'm a fucking fan of fighting, of MMA. | ||
| I would be a fan just as big if I never worked for the UFC a day in my life. | ||
| If tomorrow the UFC called me up and said, go fuck yourself, we're hiring Mario Lopez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, you're getting old, dude, it's over. | |
| If they did that, I'd be like, all right, I guess I'm just watching on TV from now on. | ||
| I would watch the same amount of fights. | ||
| I wouldn't be there for the prelims because I wouldn't see the live shows. | ||
| But dude, I'd probably watch the same amount of televised fights. | ||
| And that's one of the theories that I've always had. | ||
| It's like, dog, I want to do this for the rest of my life. | ||
| So that's why I guess I'm not... | ||
| You're an artist. | ||
| I guess that's why I'm not really in a hurry for a lot of things. | ||
| Like, this is going to be my first TV credit of any kind ever, man. | ||
| Your comedy will make you better at everything else you try to do, too. | ||
| See, if you want to try to do something else, like say if you try to, one day you want to host a talk show or one day you want to do some other kind of a television show, you're going to get better at it because you're a comic. | ||
| It makes you... | ||
| It's the hardest... | ||
| It's the most rewarding, but it's also the most difficult form, in my opinion, of talking. | ||
| So how do you feel about these dudes that just run out here because they put together a comedy tour just because? | ||
| I think as I've gotten older, one thing that I've gotten really good at is finding who to get mad at and who it's a waste of time to get mad at. | ||
| And one of the things that's a waste of time to get mad at is some person just trying to make it. | ||
| Who gives a fuck what they're doing? | ||
| Whether they're doing some stupid fucking game show on television like I did, they're doing you know they're they're Trying to do stand-up comedy when they're 37 years old and they're just coming off a sitcom and they never did stand-up ever. | ||
| What just fucking look at Charlie Murphy, who's a good friend of mine, man. | ||
| Charlie Murphy, I admire the fuck out of what he did. | ||
| Charlie Woods. | ||
| Charlie Murphy jumped right in as a headliner. | ||
| Right, dude. | ||
| He and I went on the road. | ||
| We did 22 gigs together, okay? | ||
| And this guy had only been doing comedy for like a couple of years, right? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It was like two years. | ||
| We're doing thousands of seeders, you know, 2,000, 2,500 seeders, giant fucking places. | ||
| And Charlie's going on after me, and I'm doing an hour. | ||
| I'm doing an hour. | ||
| We're co-headlining. | ||
| We did this. | ||
| We went back and forth and back and forth. | ||
| That motherfucker's got balls. | ||
| He just jumped into the fire. | ||
| So, I mean, you know, there's people who go, these fucking guys, I hate these fucking guys. | ||
| They think you're a comic. | ||
| You're not a comic yet. | ||
| Yo, that guy's trying to be a comic. | ||
| And so is Steve-O, and so is, you know, other people that get into it, man. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| There's room for more. | ||
| Everybody can be a comic. | ||
| You can be an 80-year-old doctor. | ||
| And one day you decide, you know what? | ||
| I want to do some fucking stand-up. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, if you go on stage and you kick some ass, comics will take you right in, right? | ||
| Don't you see that? | ||
| Like, you and I, when we met, here's the language that we understood. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| Like, this kid's a comic. | ||
| He's fucking funny. | ||
| Boom, you're in. | ||
| You know, that's how it is. | ||
| Real comics don't ever like say, oh, this guy's a headliner, but this guy's an opener. | ||
| We can't talk to him. | ||
| And with real comics, you're in when you're in. | ||
| Yeah, funny is funny. | ||
| But that's the thing that I think helped me out a lot is when I stopped getting mad at everybody. | ||
| At the end of the day, I'm still a comedy fan, man. | ||
| I love a good laugh. | ||
| Even if they suck. | ||
| I love a good laugh. | ||
| Even if they suck. | ||
| Just don't listen. | ||
| Just get out of the room when they're on stage. | ||
| There's guys that suck, man. | ||
| I can't watch them on stage because it hurts my head. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, it hurts what they're doing is so out of whack and it's not funny and so unaware. | ||
| it almost like screws up my sense of comedy. | ||
| And I get confused and I don't wanna go on stage and have, You're on their frequency, whether it's, you know, Joe Diaz or Louis C.K. Louis C.K. is a great example of that. | ||
| He's a great comic, but one of the things he does that's really great is he pulls you into the way he's thinking. | ||
| He pulls you into how he's looking things, and you start thinking the way he thinks as he's doing it. | ||
| And it's hilarious. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons. | ||
| But when someone's got some whack ass thoughts and they're unedited and they're sloppy and they're stupid and the shit they're saying makes no fucking sense and it's, oh, shut up. | ||
| You just got to leave the room. | ||
| But you can't be mad at them. | ||
| The guy's just trying to do his thing. | ||
| He just can't do it. | ||
| Oh, no, definitely. | ||
| But I used to get mad at them. | ||
| I used to get mad at people that sucked. | ||
| I used to get mad, especially if they were more successful than me. | ||
| I would get mad. | ||
| See, I am so glad that I'm past that because I got a problem with if I'm on stage and I'm bitter, I suck. | ||
| As long as I'm having fun, I'm good. | ||
| Well, not necessarily fun, but as long as I don't have, I had to take the bitterness out of my act because it was funny, but it wasn't, it was like people were like, that might be too much. | ||
| So once I got that bitterness out where, you know what, to each his own. | ||
| And just like you had said, it's room for all of us. | ||
| But I just wish that, you know, like for instance, one of my big pet peeves is, dog, I wish that white comics could say whatever they want to. | ||
| Because that would free black comics up in a way. | ||
| And I know it sounds crazy, but... | ||
| Yeah, but y'all can't say the N-word. | ||
| You can't say fact. | ||
| I can get away with saying faggot a lot easier than your average white comic could, just because I'm a black guy. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| When Jim Norton says faggot, it comes out. | ||
| It's like poetry. | ||
| It's like music. | ||
| True. | ||
| Well, that's, I mean, but that's one of the baddest comics going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm talking about even... | |
| Any real comic can say what they're saying. | ||
| But even sorry black comics can say faggot and not have a point, and they don't get in any type of trouble. | ||
| It's not a type of trouble, but what they do do is the audience loses a little bit of respect for them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it still doesn't. | |
| Especially if it doesn't belong. | ||
| If it doesn't belong in what they're saying. | ||
| Yeah, if they're just doing it for shock or they're doing it, it's an ignorant thing that they're saying. | ||
| It's a silly thing they're saying. | ||
| You lose value with the audience. | ||
| They don't respect the connection that you've made. | ||
| They'll let you keep going, but they've lost a piece of respect. | ||
| And that's really what's going on, man. | ||
| If you go up there with your thoughts, your thoughts are, you know, you have to hone them down to the best of your abilities to get them into these people's minds with the least ego possible, the most amount of respect for the person's attention span, and the most amount of focus on the material, like the most amount, so that you can hit points and notes and have ideas that they didn't come up with. | ||
| Like they didn't even, wow, I never even looked at it that way. | ||
| That's one of the best things about comedy, man. | ||
| When someone makes you laugh about some shit, and then they point out one thing, and you're like, fuck it, that's so true, man. | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| Why are they doing that? | ||
| You know, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why aren't they, you know, why aren't they doing this? | |
| Just like what happens with me a lot of times is like you I'll I'll talk about jail, but I'll also talk yeah how do you bring that up? | ||
| I'm shut a crackhead, whatever. | ||
| Well, it actually comes after me talking about it actually talks about me paying taxes now, which is a concept that is fascinating to me. | ||
| Like, I just started paying taxes like three years ago, and this whole taxpaying concept fascinates me. | ||
| And people find it weird, but what you got to understand is, oh, you don't pay taxes on dope money. | ||
| Come and get it because I don't know how much I fucking made it. | ||
| What if they go bring crackheads and bring them in the courtroom? | ||
| They would never be able to talk about it. | ||
| You could just say I was just kidding. | ||
| They bought off you. | ||
| I was just joking. | ||
| I bought a million dollars off of crack off this motherfucker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where did you get the million dollars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I robbed a bank and this motherfucker sold me a million dollars worth of crackhead. | |
| That's the beauty of comedy too. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| It's not a speech. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, and then, but that's where the whole, that's where the whole thing about going to jail comes in is after I talk about paying taxes now. | ||
| How can you only go to jail for two years for shooting somebody? | ||
| What's that all about? | ||
| Because it was an intent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was miserable. | |
| Oh, yeah, it was. | ||
| Well, I mean, you weren't trying to kill the guy. | ||
| I can't really talk about this. | ||
| Okay, but. | ||
| You can't prove that. | ||
| They aren't going to be able to do that. | ||
| Put it like this. | ||
| Put it like this: they never found a gun, so it's one of those things where the guy knew that I shot him, but they never found a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And everybody did you say I didn't shoot him, I didn't bother. | |
| That was that was me making a deal. | ||
| Like, I wasn't gonna fight this shit two fucking years for shooting somebody is pretty fucking good. | ||
| So, I just took the deal, and I'm like, fuck that. | ||
| I can do two. | ||
| I'm not what is it like doing two years in the pokey? | ||
| Dog, it's fucking. | ||
| Did you see a lot of rape? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what'd you say? | ||
| What's that smell? | ||
| No, just fucking. | ||
| What's it smell like? | ||
| Smells like rape. | ||
| No, just smell like. | ||
| Rape and poop. | ||
| Well, not even, well, it's your car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, smells like giant women with not like, not like rape. | |
| Not like rape, but just motherfuckers giving up that ass. | ||
| Like, just. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was just, it was just accepted for some motherfuckers. | ||
| Like. | ||
| A lot of it is like. | ||
| I was just thinking, coming up here, I remember playing a game of spades, right? | ||
| I was playing a spades game. | ||
| Yeah, cards, spades. | ||
| Please let him win at the end of this game. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And then there was a dude sitting to my left like Joe is. | ||
| Another dude walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder. | ||
| Dude got up, pulled his pants down, and then went to his cell because that, because it's time. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's just time for you to get fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| So the guy comes over, taps the dude. | ||
| You're playing cards with this dude. | ||
| And what does the guy look like? | ||
| He's just a regular looking dude. | ||
| Doesn't look like makeup on, nothing crazy. | ||
| None of that shit. | ||
| And so he taps him, and the guy just pulls his pants down before he starts walking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So to let everybody know this is what's going on. | ||
| Not even that. | ||
| I guess it's just. | ||
| The way he do it. | ||
| I guess that was his choice, but he just. | ||
| So he goes in there, pulls his pants down, and the guy just starts fucking him in front of everybody? | ||
| Well, he well, he went into the cell. | ||
| Like he had a he had a cell over there, but he went into his cell and got done. | ||
| So the cells, a lot of times the cells are open and everybody's just wandering around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| So it's like prison, how much time are you wandering around? | ||
| Okay, you got count like three times a day. | ||
| Well, the jails I was in, we had count four times a day. | ||
| So unless you had somebody do something stupid on what they call the tier, you'd be out for the rest of that day until it was either time to go to lunch, dinner. | ||
| So you get to hang out all day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So basically jail is like you got a cell and the cell's open most of the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Most of the time. | |
| And you guys are just wandering around playing checkers and doing whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Tickling each other. | ||
| Sucking dicks. | ||
| Yeah, basically. | ||
| I was always curious about this. | ||
| I've had, you know, family members and I've never been able to ask them exactly. | ||
| And like as far as the prison rules, what's the socially acceptable allotment of time that you got to be in there before it's just socially acceptable to start fucking another dude? | ||
| Well, if you go in there for life, first day, you can start raping. | ||
| Yeah, that's a gift for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
do this. | |
| Let's do everything we never thought we'd do. | ||
| That's like a, well, I can't speak for every jail, but all I do know is- I was in jail in DC and then Maryland and then I was in Baltimore City. | ||
| They moved you around? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I can't speak for every jail. | ||
| Why did they move you? | ||
| Did you do some gangster shit? | ||
| For what? | ||
| For tickling. | ||
| No, not for tickling player. | ||
| Is that the first time you've ever said that? | ||
| Not for tickling player? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's a rare sentence. | |
| That's a strange combination of words. | ||
| I just popped your now, you're tickling player. | ||
| Not for tickling player. | ||
| Yeah, that's a very rare statement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a hardcore statement, right there. | |
| No, but. | ||
| Why did you move you? | ||
| Okay, I went in, right, and I had some shoes, tennis shoes. | ||
| And these dudes wanted them. | ||
| And I had to fight them every day to keep my fucking shoes. | ||
| And then I got sick of fighting these guys. | ||
| So I had a bright idea that instead of fighting them, I'll just hit the CEO so niggas will think that I'm crazy. | ||
| Well, I did that. | ||
| And what happened was they got these people called this, they got these cops called the stormtroopers. | ||
| Like they'll run into the tier in riot gear if anything break out, like full riot gear, fucking all that shit. | ||
| I hit the CEO and these dudes roll in. | ||
| And when I woke up, I was in the infirmary. | ||
| I had broken ribs. | ||
| Like they fucked me up. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So when I got out of the infirmary, they sent me to solitary for 45 days. | ||
| You should have asked somebody about that plan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But who am I going to talk about? | |
| I'm thinking about going crazy and fucking up a cop. | ||
| I didn't have a chance to fuck him up. | ||
| I hit that cop one time. | ||
| Just a body shot. | ||
| Just so niggas think, dog, before I think I drew my fist back, I had like 10 motherfuckers in right now. | ||
| So they said I want to take your shoes after that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, the cops fucked me up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
people thought I was nuts and it's like but the whole Yeah. | |
| And then once I... | ||
| Not every day. | ||
| No, no, nobody. | ||
| I would just poop on my shoes and then no one would want it. | ||
| Doesn't work. | ||
| Brian, like think in advance. | ||
| I like the way you can. | ||
| You know, you like pee on your own shit. | ||
| It doesn't wear your peepee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll clean them off. | |
| They'll just clean it off. | ||
| You're in jail. | ||
| You aren't here, dog. | ||
| It's a whole different mentality. | ||
| They'll just clean them off. | ||
| Big deal. | ||
| Yeah, they'll clean that shoe off. | ||
| I would fucking rub it into the inside of the shoe. | ||
| I'm not my balls on the outside of the shit or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not your way. | |
| No, they liked it. | ||
| No what always kills me is whenever somebody say how they would survive in jail, it's always wrong. | ||
| Well, Brian has a whole way to get away from rape. | ||
| Yeah, Brian has a bunch of raw. | ||
| Yeah, when some guy's trying to make me suck his dick, I'll just grab his balls and run as fast as I can the opposite direction. | ||
| He'll pull the ball off the ball. | ||
| He feels like he can't. | ||
| I can dig my nails in there and grab a vein or two and just fucking pop it. | ||
| Where are you going to go when you run away? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| I'm going to be ripping his balls and wearing it as a mask down the fucking whatever it's called, the stairway. | ||
| But there's tomorrow. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah, I'll have the mask on my head still, and no one will fuck with me because I'll rip your balls off. | ||
| But there's tomorrow. | ||
| Mask. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| And then by the mask, some guy starts front me, I'll tickle him. | ||
| There's no happy end to this conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because he's not going to be afraid of that. | |
| Especially not for our listeners. | ||
| Our listeners right now are hemorrhaging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're in the cars going, shut him the fuck up. | |
| Shut him up. | ||
| I swear to God, I'll unsubscribe to this fucking stupid podcast. | ||
| This ridiculous boy. | ||
| You already hear this ridiculous idea. | ||
| Nobody's asked. | ||
| 17 podcasts ago. | ||
| He didn't even hold it. | ||
| It's still just as he already tried this idea. | ||
| Yes, this is his idea. | ||
| Look, it's what he's going to do. | ||
| It's his plan. | ||
| It's my plan. | ||
| God bless you. | ||
| you never know, man. | ||
| He might have a killer grip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| Some dudes have a grip that's very shocking. | ||
| Every now and then, like you do, jiu-jitsu with a guy who grabs your wrist and you go, God damn, this motherfucker's got a grip. | ||
| You know, I can't even get my fucking hand frame on my ball. | ||
| Some guys, some guys can hold on to you, man. | ||
| Brian, maybe, maybe Brian's got that kind of grip. | ||
| I hope so, because that idea sucked. | ||
| I can tell you, that shit sucked. | ||
| Well, listen, at least he's got a plan. | ||
| He do have a plan. | ||
| Like a lot of people don't have a plan. | ||
| Know what a much better plan is? | ||
| Don't fucking go to jail. | ||
| Yeah, avoid trade, I guess. | ||
| It's like the absence heath. | ||
| Is this Japanese nuclear power plant, is that the worst plan that human beings have ever made? | ||
| As far as plans that didn't work out? | ||
| Plans that were a huge disaster? | ||
| Is there a single worse plan than building a nuclear reactor on a fucking I don't think that's how AIDS happened, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think anybody really fucked a monkey. | ||
| I think that's just a Sam Kinnis. | ||
| Did they actually know that that shit was on a fault line? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| So, yeah, they built it to last, to take it up to an 8.2. | ||
| They thought that was pretty generous. | ||
| You know, that's a pretty extravagant earthquake. | ||
| That's on the same time. | ||
| They got a fucking nine. | ||
| After yesterday's podcast, a lot of people are saying that it's not as bad in Japan as everyone's saying. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| That's not true at all. | ||
| They've just upgraded it to Chernobyl status. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| I knew that the other day. | ||
| Here's the thing about it being bad. | ||
| It's not getting better. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's getting better maybe in 100,000 years. | ||
| And it's getting more and more fucked up. | ||
| And more and more nuclear materials is leaking. | ||
| The reason why it keeps getting worse and now it's at level seven Chernobyl levels is because it's getting worse. | ||
| It's not, it's like, well, it's going to get to a certain point, then it's just going to stop. | ||
| This is a bad situation. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| And Japan is not big, man. | ||
| It's not big. | ||
| It's not like this shit is happening in Nebraska and you're living in Alaska and it never really hits you. | ||
| No, this is, Japan is fucking tiny, man. | ||
| It's a latest place. | ||
| So let me take a wild guess. | ||
| They built it on a fault line because the land was cheap or whatever. | ||
| So they decided to build it. | ||
| Well, all of Japan, I mean, Japan is an island, you know, and it's not that big. | ||
| So there's a lot of spots in Japan where the fucking ground moves. | ||
| Like, what are you going to do? | ||
| You're just going to hope that you've got it figured out where it doesn't go bad if the ground moves. | ||
| But they never knew the ground was going to go to a nine. | ||
| I mean, nine for five minutes. | ||
| I mean, it just broke everything. | ||
| And then the tsunami came in and killed the generators, and they couldn't cool the rods down. | ||
| They didn't cut a break there, did they? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Not only that, but they didn't plan it out well. | ||
| It's like one of the worst plans ever. | ||
| We're going to create some sort of a reactor that harnesses the power of the fucking sun, but we don't know how to shut it off. | ||
| Yeah, just in case. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know what happens if the power goes out. | ||
| We're good for about eight hours. | ||
| They had battery backup for eight hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So in those eight hours, you got a fucking bunch of people. | ||
| Okay, how fucking greedy are these motherfuckers? | ||
| Like, nobody thought, like, hey, it's possible for acceptable risks they were willing to take, what they felt were acceptable risks. | ||
| And the acceptable risks just really aren't that planned out. | ||
| Human beings have such a narrow, we have such a narrow window of reference because our lives are only 30, 40, you know, 50 years by the time we're making these choices. | ||
| You don't learn that much in those 50 years. | ||
| You just don't. | ||
| And then when you add those 50 years to all the fucking, the previous people that have lived to be 50, 60 years old in human history and all they've figured out, and you're at the forefront of it, and you've created this new thing called nuclear power. | ||
| And you're the guy who's like, you know, people are listening to you. | ||
| Like, how do we do this? | ||
| Well, this is what we do. | ||
| We've got this thing and it cools the rods. | ||
| What happens when it goes off? | ||
| Well, don't worry. | ||
| We've got fail safes. | ||
| Everything's going to be fine. | ||
| Okay, this guy says it's good. | ||
| Let's go with him. | ||
| Well, he's a clueless fuck. | ||
| Just like we're all clueless fucks. | ||
| It's been around for about, what, one human lifetime? | ||
| Yes, we don't have enough fucking... | ||
| Sometimes, yes, sometimes. | ||
| And sometimes it eats a hole through the earth and kills everything within 100 miles. | ||
| You know, yeah, sometimes it's fucked. | ||
| I hate to sound like a dickhead, but like, how does that affect us? | ||
| It just affects us very badly. | ||
| Because first of all, there's nuclear reactors in Orange County, and they're on fault lines. | ||
| And anything over an 8.2, shit gets very tricky, and you don't know what the fuck happens. | ||
| If they have a big 8.2 down in fucking the OC, and that nuclear power plant gets fucked, and the power can't come back on, they can't cool the rods, and it just, and it goes into a meltdown, whoa, we're fucked. | ||
| Mexico's fucked. | ||
| San Diego's fucked. | ||
| Everyone's fucked. | ||
| You know, these guys that are doing this in Japan, they don't know how to shut this off. | ||
| And they've got engineers that are willing to risk their lives going in there trying to shut things down. | ||
| There's over 50 guys have gone in there knowing for sure that it's a death sentence, knowing for sure that they're going to get cancer, they're going to die horrible, terrible deaths because of radiation exposure. | ||
| And they're still doing it. | ||
| They're still doing it. | ||
| They took chances. | ||
| They went there until they couldn't take it anymore, and then they went to the hospital for radiation poisoning. | ||
| And they're fucked. | ||
| And they still get 100% death wish. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| They wouldn't do that in America. | ||
| No one's going to do that here. | ||
| Can't they take that Honda robot and make him do whatever that has to be done? | ||
| Honda robot's a retard, bro. | ||
| He can't do shit. | ||
| He's good at, like, he plays basketball. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You can't get him to fucking drill rods and pull rods. | ||
| Who was the fucking robot that was the Honda? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're playing basketball. | |
| They're a bunch of robots. | ||
| Well, they don't really play basketball. | ||
| They have different things that they do. | ||
| Like one of them. | ||
| Can't he dribble a ball? | ||
| I think they could dance. | ||
| I can think they could do everything. | ||
| I mean, they could throw an armatron. | ||
| Obviously, it's programmed. | ||
| I'm like, if that fucker can dance, send him down there. | ||
| Ooh, your way down there and make it more positive. | ||
| Eventually, that's no doubt that's going to happen. | ||
| Eventually, there's going to be a robot that can do every single thing, any movement and articulation that a human being can. | ||
| Because, look, we know how a human works. | ||
| We know how to do it. | ||
| I'm scared of that type of shit. | ||
| Hopefully, like, that type of shit scares me. | ||
| That's some Terminator robots. | ||
| Not necessarily robots. | ||
| It's just getting to the point where I'm that dependent on a robot. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Because I know that I'm lazy. | ||
| So if I had a robot to do that shit, I would do it. | ||
| Fuck, you know, I like do that and do that and do that. | ||
| And then it turns out I'm not doing shit no more. | ||
| Like, basically. | ||
| And I'm. | ||
| Yeah, but what makes you think you would do that? | ||
| You know, because I'm fucking lazy, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, but believe me, man. | ||
| Robots are expensive. | ||
| It's going to be hard to get that robot. | ||
| It's not going to be easy. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| In your lifetime, robots are never going to be cheap. | ||
| By the time a robot's cheap, you'll be dead. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Or you'll be downloaded into a robot. | ||
| It'll be like that movie in Molly, though. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| Downloaded into a robot. | ||
| There's a movie that's out right now, no, Transcendent Man? | ||
| Yeah, Transcendent Man, the Ray Kurzweil documentary, and it's out right now on iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, Transcendent Man. | ||
| I watched half of it today before the podcast. | ||
| I'm going to watch the rest of it later. | ||
| It's fascinating shit. | ||
| And Ray Kurzweil is this super genius who's made a bunch of different inventions. | ||
| And he's at the forefront of the idea of the exponential growth of technology eventually coming to a point where there's some sort of a singularity, an artificial intelligence, and a potential, like potential download of the human consciousness into computers. | ||
| You will live forever as long as the power stays on, as long as you can figure out a way to have a power source. | ||
| That is a bit much for me, man. | ||
| It's a bit much, but it's fascinating because it's all about, first of all, it's about nanotechnology and the idea of these little tiny computers that are going to be the size of a cell of blood, a blood cell, and they're going to be in your bloodstream repairing things and fixing cancer and doing all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| That's the, that's the awesome shit. | ||
| That's the scary shit. | ||
| That's the type of shit that I was saying. | ||
| Like, only in comedy, only in comedy would I've ever heard about this shit. | ||
| Because I'm telling you, as far as building my mind and expanding that shit, oh, you don't hear about this shit when you're on the corner in DC fucking slinging crackers like that. | ||
| Yeah, you don't hear this. | ||
| It's in the cubicle. | ||
| It's fucking nanotechnology and shit like that. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people don't hear about this stuff until they hear about it on Twitter or they hear about it on Facebook or they hear about on this podcast. | ||
| And I hear about a lot of this shit, a lot of the things that I hear about. | ||
| Like I found out Transcendent Man was out. | ||
| I knew it was coming out on DVD, but I thought it was like in a few months. | ||
| But it came out on iTunes first. | ||
| And the only reason I found out is somebody put it up on Twitter. | ||
| I mean, it's, and I find out so much on Twitter. | ||
| So many different weird, fucking, interesting stories. | ||
| Well, because I like, because I like follow you on Twitter and you'll be posting some shit. | ||
| And I'll go to it and I'm like, what in the hell? | ||
| It's like, you'll post stories that ain't nobody would even think of. | ||
| and I'm just like, what the fuck? | ||
| Just from the... | ||
| Well, what it is, is that computers are eventually going to get stronger and stronger and smaller and smaller. | ||
| I mean, that's just the trend they've always done. | ||
| And they're going to be able to do more and more and more. | ||
| And eventually what they're going to be able to do is they're going to be able to figure out what are the components of a human being and how can we reproduce that. | ||
| Because they can make artificial flesh already. | ||
| They've already figured out a way to make artificial ham. | ||
| They've figured out a way to make artificial, like, they've grown ears on rats. | ||
| You ever seen that? | ||
| Like, grow a human ear on a mouse's body? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I don't buy. | |
| They haven't done a human yet. | ||
| They know how to do so much that eventually it's going to get better. | ||
| And as it gets better, it's going to be an artificial human being. | ||
| Well, if they can do all those things. | ||
| It was a goat or a lamb or something in Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had that feedback. | |
| Oh, clone it. | ||
| Oh, Dolly the Sheep. | ||
| No, they cloned it, but that's not an artificial one. | ||
| That's just a duplicate. | ||
| Well, if they can do all of that, then why the fuck is there still a skid rope? | ||
| Well, here's a question. | ||
| Like, if you can do all of that stuff, you can't fix a human's development once it's developed. | ||
| That's when it's a real, it's like fixing a dog that's already fucking crazy. | ||
| You know, you got a dog that's already attacking babies and fucking bites cars and shit. | ||
| Man, try fixing that dog. | ||
| But to keep that dog from becoming that dog, that you can do. | ||
| If you treat the dog with love and respect and you train him and you train him that he's your buddy and you know, then you get a happy dog. | ||
| And when he meets people, he'll associate people with being happy. | ||
| You know, it'll be like a positive experience. | ||
| So you don't have to worry about retraining them. | ||
| It's retraining people that's hard. | ||
| You get the skid bro, they're already fucked. | ||
| So then would you consider somebody like me an exception to that rule that you just made? | ||
| Well, me, I'm an exception to it too. | ||
| I wasn't a perfect human being when I was a child. | ||
| I was fucking crazy. | ||
| I was crazy through most of my young 20s, you know, like legitimately crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, and if you, if you know, you look at who you are now and who you used to be, and there's evolution, but it has to be from yourself. | ||
| You have to decide to do it on your own. | ||
| It's very difficult. | ||
| You got to be objective. | ||
| You're going to have to probably do drugs. | ||
| You're going to have to fucking find yourself for real. | ||
| You're going to need mushrooms. | ||
| Well, that's what, know what? | ||
| That's what. | ||
| You won't really get there on your own. | ||
| No what? | ||
| That's what, well, I beg to differ a little bit. | ||
| I think that's what me being in isolation did for me when I was in jail. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Because it's no, like, dog, like. | ||
| You have to think. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| I mean, after you blame the lawyers and God and your parents, you still got 43 days left to fucking analyze yourself. | ||
| Here's the deal, man. | ||
| Here's the deal with your life. | ||
| You can blame everybody for your problems in life and you might be right, but you can't change that. | ||
| What you can change is what you think and how you react and what power you give other people's actions and thoughts over you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what I was saying from getting pissed off at them by using that energy for yourself, using that energy for positive shit, using that energy to try to accomplish shit. | ||
| Like, that could either drive you crazy or it could make you a better person. | ||
| And that's why, you know, I know that I brought a lot of shit on myself, but I'm glad that I was able to use the time that I was in jail to say, dog, you can't keep doing this dumb shit, man. | ||
| You have to try to do something, be it comic. | ||
| And the reason that I even bothered to think that I could be a comic is because that was one of my survivals while I was in jail. | ||
| I've always been this size. | ||
| So I was the guy that if somebody did something or said something, I had something quick to say that kept brothers smiling. | ||
| Because, dog, that's a long time to be anywhere. | ||
| So just a smile for that one day or like a laugh, especially in jail, means a whole lot more than just us talking and laughing here. | ||
| Because dog, it's a miserable existence. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| No, not to say that I didn't deserve to be there, but dog, it fucking sucks. | ||
| It's like, don't let rappers fool you. | ||
| That shit sucks, man. | ||
| It's nothing hard about doing something stupid and winding up in jail. | ||
| It's fucking dumb. | ||
| It's really stupid to do something to wind up in jail. | ||
| And it's just fucking awful. | ||
| Joey Diaz has the same story that when he was in jail, making people laugh in jail is what got him into being a stand-up comedian. | ||
| They would have show movies or something. | ||
| The movie would suck. | ||
| They'd say, Coco, get up there. | ||
| Get up there and tell stories. | ||
| And he would get up there and he'd start making everybody laugh. | ||
| And that's like what started him off on the road to being a comic. | ||
| Well, see, I, but then the other part of it, I also stuttered. | ||
| So what would happen is Like if I said something that was slick, people would laugh. | ||
| And sometimes I would try to talk and stutter and people would laugh. | ||
| So either way, I'm cool. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So, but with that, with just that laughter, man, like laughter is something that I think that we as comics shouldn't take for granted. | ||
| It's a powerful thing. | ||
| Like, if it can help somebody get through jail, like just laughing once a day, just like, dog, it's very powerful. | ||
| It's a very powerful thing. | ||
| We don't think about it because it seems frivolous. | ||
| It seems like, oh, you're just laughing. | ||
| You're silly. | ||
| You're a silly person. | ||
| It's important for your health. | ||
| It really, mental health also. | ||
| It's like, dog, some shit, just fucking let it ride, man. | ||
| Like, let it ride. | ||
| And even with what I'm doing as far as comedy, man, it's like, dog, it's really cool to make people laugh. | ||
| Like, I've gotten to that point. | ||
| I've been the angry dude, but now it's really cool to make people laugh, man. | ||
| It's really fucking cool. | ||
| Well, you're pushing positive instead of negative, you know? | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, you have to find some shitty things in your life to figure out what you don't want to be doing, learn from your mistakes, and then you move on. | ||
| Yeah, and just like, just like, for instance, and something else with being in solitary confinement is I'm not as concerned with what goes on around me as far as which was that first statement that I was making as far as racism, but we already cleared that up. | ||
| No, I don't care. | ||
| I'm a country music fan. | ||
| Why do you like country music? | ||
| No, I love it. | ||
| Probably because I'm a drinker first, but I like country music. | ||
| I don't even know why, though. | ||
| I like Dwight Yoakum. | ||
| I like mostly all of it, man. | ||
| Other than that country pop shit where you got pop stars that couldn't make it as pop, so they try to do country now. | ||
| I think that's a little bit much. | ||
| But other than that, like straight country, I love it, man. | ||
| Well, I'm a big Johnny Cash fan, but I never even think of Johnny Cash as being country. | ||
| Johnny Cash is like some weird white rap. | ||
| I'd say I'm a Johnny Cash fan. | ||
| I wouldn't say I'm a country music fan. | ||
| But yeah, I like country music. | ||
| Sue, that song, man, that's not really a country music song, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name is Sue. | |
| How do you do? | ||
| That's like the thumb he's talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like you take a sad story and you do something good with it. | |
| How did he get away with that back then, dog? | ||
| Cut off a piece of my ear. | ||
| He has a fucking song about a knife fight with his dad where his dad cuts off a piece of his ear. | ||
| You know, it was written by, what's his name? | ||
| Shel Silverstein, the poet. | ||
| Oh, Shelberst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He didn't write that. | ||
| It's like his song. | ||
| He made it his, but he didn't write that. | ||
| Silverstein mother. | ||
| Now I have to respect Shel Silverstein. | ||
| Hey, I'm so stunned, but I've noticed that you say the word dog a lot. | ||
| Is that something you've been doing your whole life for? | ||
| I know, but I don't have a word like that, I guess. | ||
| You need to get one, son. | ||
| No, that's my word. | ||
| I need to get a word. | ||
| Son, cat. | ||
| Yo, cat. | ||
| Cat, I can say cat. | ||
| Hey, cat. | ||
| No, I guess it's a DC thing, too, man. | ||
| We like Stevens. | ||
| He's a DC. | ||
| That's a drainer. | ||
| That and like player. | ||
| Player. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Players. | ||
| That might have been one of the funniest things that's ever been said on the podcast. | ||
| Not for tickling, player. | ||
| It might have been one of the top lines. | ||
| Please don't make a t-shirt out of that because I would die laughing. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Not particularly. | ||
| If there's a demand, we might have to start doing podcast quote t-shirts. | ||
| Yeah, that's a pretty good one. | ||
| Not for tickling, player. | ||
| Or the one with you on the Wikipedia, too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm on my man. | ||
| Oh, there's already 10 entries in the Wikipedia where people put that in. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I'm on some man shit. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| But, dog, that's how I like see you as because, you know, dealing with comics is basically like dealing with females for the most. | ||
| Like strippers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So like, so like talking to Joe is cool because that's what I call it. | ||
| Like Joe is on some man shit, so we can just talk as two men without me having to worry about hurting his feelings or saying something that now you in a corner fucking crying or some shit like that. | ||
| So it's like, that's why I say it's some man shit. | ||
| It's like, dog, it's just two men fucking conversating. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Conversating. | ||
| I love that word. | ||
| For those of you listening at home and you hear that crackling in the background, what the fuck is that? | ||
| That is the volcano. | ||
| The sound was the... | ||
| The crackling? | ||
| The crackling is the plastic bag that contains the pure THC mint. | ||
| All right, it's okay, I'm back. | ||
| People actually wrote that on his Wikipedia. | ||
| He's on some man shit. | ||
| That's the exhale. | ||
| People wrote that on your Wikipedia. | ||
| Yeah, people wrote it like 10 times, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody wrote on his man shit. | |
| What's up with this playout? | ||
| I'm alright, good. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| All right, good. | ||
| I guess that means I had it. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| This is the home stretch. | ||
| Okay, fuck it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Just inhale. | ||
| Just doing that. | ||
| Push it in and take a deep breath. | ||
| It's just real life. | ||
| Take a deep breath, deep breath, and then blow it out. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, dog. | ||
| You probably be good with one. | ||
| Yes, I think. | ||
| Keep you at one. | ||
| We don't want anybody going crazy here and trying to claw. | ||
| That is for the podcast right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Do you want anybody trying to claw the walls up? | ||
| So you know Tony Woods because you were a DC guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I met Tony Woods. | ||
| Tony did. | ||
| Tony's a funny guy. | ||
| Dog, he is incredible. | ||
| Tony Woods, if you're out there, holler at me. | ||
| If you're ever in LA, I'd love to have you on the podcast. | ||
| Tony's one of the funniest comics that I've ever seen. | ||
| I was in New York one night and Tony was doing the old Boston, right? | ||
| It was four people in the audience, right? | ||
| Tony is crushing. | ||
| Some lady has to go to the bathroom. | ||
| She's like, could you wait a second? | ||
| He waits for her to come back. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He does 20 more minutes. | ||
| He's the only guy I've ever seen get a standing oath from four people. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about doing those fucking sets. | ||
| We used to talk about that at the comedy store, too. | ||
| Those sets that you would get where there's only like 10 people in the audience or less. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| I did two with Dangerfields once. | ||
| Me and a bunch of other dudes. | ||
| It was like three other comics that also did sets in front of fucking two people. | ||
| It was one of those gigs where Dangerfields was a weird place. | ||
| You know, it was like, it was Rodney Dangerfields. | ||
| Was it still down the street from the comic strip? | ||
| Because now it is. | ||
| I just remember it. | ||
| I don't even remember what street it was on. | ||
| I know it was somewhere on the east side. | ||
| I did a lot of gigs there, though. | ||
| Yeah, it was the east side. | ||
| But when I lived in New York, that was like one of my main spots because they gave you what they call prom shows. | ||
| And what prom shows were, and I did these with Al Lou Bell and I did these with Otto and George and a couple other guys. | ||
| I can't remember their names, but what we did was we were forced to do, they never took the audience out. | ||
| They would stuff them in with kids. | ||
| They were all like 17 and drunk and throwing up and falling out of their chairs and then violent. | ||
| Like one big football player got on stage and blew his fucking cigar smoke in Alou Bell's face and took the microphone from him. | ||
| And no one did shit about it, man. | ||
| He was a big ass kid. | ||
| He was a big kid. | ||
| And, you know, what they would do is these kids would be, they would do their prom. | ||
| They would, you know, have their prom, and then they would come to a comedy show. | ||
| And they never took the audience out. | ||
| They just kept pumping more people in. | ||
| So they wanted you to come up again. | ||
| You would do five or six shows in a night. | ||
| So they would have a rotation. | ||
| They would have a host and then they would have like an opener and then a second guy and the third guy. | ||
| And then you would go back up again. | ||
| And the same people would be there. | ||
| They would be there. | ||
| And they would say, you have to do the same act because we want to get rid of them. | ||
| But you're not going to do the same act. | ||
| You're not going to want to eat it, man. | ||
| You're not going to want to bomb. | ||
| So they would tell you to do the same act. | ||
| And I was like, look, man, you hired me to do comedy. | ||
| You can't tell me what comedy to do. | ||
| All right. | ||
| You know, once you, you're going to throw me up five times a night. | ||
| That's all good. | ||
| But you can't tell me what comedy to do. | ||
| I'm not going to die up there. | ||
| So the kids were still there. | ||
| Yeah, kids were still there. | ||
| And you would do half-hour sets and you would, or it depends. | ||
| Sometimes we do 20 minutes. | ||
| Depends on how many people are on the show. | ||
| But the kids were there and you would do your set. | ||
| And they wanted you to go and do the exact same set for the exact same kids in an hour and a half. | ||
| Because they wanted to get rid of the kids. | ||
| That's insanity. | ||
| And people would just pull up in limos. | ||
| And then the guy would come in every now and then. | ||
| Have you seen the show? | ||
| This guy's Bobby. | ||
| Have you seen the show? | ||
| Have you seen the show? | ||
| If you've seen it, please leave. | ||
| If you've seen it, please leave. | ||
| And these kids are just running around like fucking animals. | ||
| So I did that place. | ||
| So Danger Fields was a weird club, man. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| It was real dark and nobody went there, man. | ||
| It was fucking small crowds all the time. | ||
| And not the best comics, to be honest. | ||
| It wasn't like the highest level guys. | ||
| The highest level guys were the strip and the catch rising star back then. | ||
| So anyway, this fucking couple comes in. | ||
| We're all sitting around. | ||
| My spot was at like eight o'clock and I got there and everybody was just sitting in the in the bar area and the show was already supposed to have started. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| And they're like, there's no one here. | ||
| I go, there's no one here? | ||
| No one. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| And then right when we were saying that, two people showed up. | ||
| Right this way, ladies and gentlemen, right this way. | ||
| And they lead him into the showroom. | ||
| Like these people have no idea. | ||
| We're here to see the show. | ||
| And they pay their money and they get their tickets. | ||
| They think there's a fucking show going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course, of course. | |
| They walk in there. | ||
| It's dead empty. | ||
| And they sit down by themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your MC for this evening. | |
| And he brings up the MC. | ||
| And the MC was some dude who had a little keyboard on stage. | ||
| You used to do this kind of a musical thing. | ||
| So he goes up in front of two fucking people. | ||
| And then another comic goes up and he does his set. | ||
| And then I went up and I did my set. | ||
| And then another guy went up. | ||
| And we did a real full show for two people. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| But when you do those, man, it's like you get a weird connection with people that you don't get. | ||
| You don't get in a big ass crowd. | ||
| I've done something very similar a couple of times, but I don't do my regular shit then. | ||
| I ended up just fucking around and being real sarcastic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I went to the store. | ||
| I do it completely different. | ||
| Just because I don't even want to bother trying. | ||
| I went to the store. | ||
| Well, you actually could do the opposite and it would help your act. | ||
| And the opposite being, realize how much of your act seems fake and you can get away with it because there's 200 people. | ||
| As opposed to when you're telling it just to one person, you can really trim the fat off your material that way. | ||
| For me, I find small crowds really make you trim the fat because you're not putting on a show anymore. | ||
| You're talking to people. | ||
| So conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're doing that, you really get to the real meat of the topic better instead of like some bullshit show stuff where you're saying things like, so first I not really. | ||
| Well, I thought. | ||
| Plus the fact that me personally, I think that if you paid your money, it doesn't matter if it's two or like $100. | ||
| Dog, y'all paid just as much as the rest of these people. | ||
| So why not give y'all something other than me fucking around? | ||
| Like, that's one thing I personally hate coming from New York is when people are like, oh, it's a full house tonight. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's five people here, and all of them are paying $8 a fucking drink. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's how I look at it. | ||
| That's always the worst when the conversation is like. | ||
| There is no disappointment, especially with me at the stage that I'm at. | ||
| I know that y'all didn't come to see me anyway. | ||
| So for me to be arrogant, that's even more of me being a jackass. | ||
| Yeah, it just, you feel like more pressure. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| Doesn't it feel more pressure for you when there's like only a couple of people? | ||
| No, I don't even try. | ||
| But why not? | ||
| Why don't you try? | ||
| Because it's just, to me, that's just, I don't know. | ||
| I just not even want to. | ||
| But you clearly taught it through. | ||
| This motherfucker needs coffee more than anything. | ||
| I've done it three times, and all three times. | ||
| I just was like, fuck, there's two people here. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| But then, all right, all right. | ||
| But why wouldn't you give a shit? | ||
| Why wouldn't you treat those two people like it's a real show? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It seems like too much energy to waste on two people. | ||
| But dog, okay. | ||
| But all right. | ||
| If it's two people there, like didn't those what makes, I don't know, like, aren't they still special? | ||
| Here's the thing with me. | ||
| I started comedy completely different. | ||
| I, I, I, you know, I think of it as like I could jump on Ustream and talk to two people. | ||
| But I, I, I jump on you stream and I talk to like a hundred people immediately. | ||
| You know, to me, that's, that's way worth it than going to a comedy club and doing the same thing in front of two people that they're like, who's this guy on stage? | ||
| You know, like that person's not never going to follow me. | ||
| That person's not, if I do good, those two people are just going to, most likely just going to go away and not even remember that night. | ||
| Oh, that's a weird way of looking at it. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty negative. | ||
| That's not a headache. | ||
| That's how I do it. | ||
| That's like, you know what? | ||
| But you're absolutely right. | ||
| Hold on, guys. | ||
| We can't talk over each other like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| You're absolutely right, though, man, because when you say that you started comedy differently, that's true because, like, I've had to do those shows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I've had to do a show for two people, period. | ||
| And you haven't had to do that. | ||
| So I guess. | ||
| Well, I do. | ||
| No, I mean, I do. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I do open mic almost every day and I do it in front of two people. | ||
| I've done what's even worse is five people that have seen your act a million times because they're all comics and they're not a servant audience. | ||
| But you also know that you're doing that. | ||
| So, like, doesn't he work with you a lot, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| So then, if you're doing that, you already know that it's practice for you to perform in front of a lot of people. | ||
| It's too easy for you to get on stage. | ||
| You don't appreciate it enough. | ||
| If you were really grinding, if you were really trying to really be a comic. | ||
| No, I'm talking about the situations I'm in, which is open mics. | ||
| It's like most of the time, if there's two people on stage. | ||
| If There's two people in that audience, man. | ||
| You got to treat those two people like that's a crowd. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| It's harder to do. | ||
| Yeah, but you're not doing a real show in open mics. | ||
| You're just fucking around. | ||
| So like when I go on stage, I'm not going to do a full act. | ||
| You're doing material. | ||
| But you're doing material, right? | ||
| I don't just sit there with a thumb up my ass. | ||
| I'm just saying I don't do my normal shit. | ||
| I fucking just sit there and be like, so, you know, I do it like a completely different act. | ||
| It's like, hey, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| What I'm saying is that you don't have to do that. | ||
| You can do a version of your act that's better. | ||
| You know, you could trim it down and trim it down for two people. | ||
| Sometimes it feels weird, you know, and you realize what jokes that stand out in your act as being like artificial. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know, when you're talking to two people, man, you can really, you feel like the jokes aren't good. | ||
| You know, they're like, man, this one needs work. | ||
| This shit's clunky. | ||
| It feels weird to talk to people. | ||
| What I'm saying is you can benefit. | ||
| If you really want to truly keep doing stand-up, you can benefit from that just by doing your real set. | ||
| If you get a laugh from two people, man, you know that joke is gone. | ||
| You can put that one in the set, too. | ||
| That's the same thing. | ||
| I guess the biggest reason why I think, this is why I think of it. | ||
| There's been so many times doing Open Mic where you do a new bit that you believe in and you like it and it fucking no response at all. | ||
| So you try it again. | ||
| Same exact thing. | ||
| No response at all. | ||
| Then you get a real show and then you try that same bit and it fucking kills and you're like, God damn, I almost lost that bit because that bit failed because you're in this horrible atmosphere of like two people or like other comics and stuff like that. | ||
| It's all a part of the vibe. | ||
| You got to tune it all in. | ||
| It's all a part of the process of being a stand-up comic. | ||
| You can't really develop only in front of large audiences. | ||
| Once you get your shit together, then you can pretty much do any kind of audience. | ||
| I think you're thinking I'm saying something completely different because you're making it. | ||
| I'm saying that you don't like to perform when there's two people. | ||
| You like to perform. | ||
| No, no, no, see, that's not what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying that when there's two people in the audience, I'm not going to fucking do a whole like, hey, so I went down the street. | ||
| I'm going to just kind of fuck around. | ||
| I'm not going to do my regular material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to just, I'm not going to give them the... | |
| So let's break that down. | ||
| Why break it down? | ||
| Because it's kind of interesting. | ||
| No, it's not pretty basic. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| Let's break that down. | ||
| Because what you're saying is that you're not going to give them this like, hey, like really animated right now. | ||
| No, no, I'm not saying that I, like, how I considered like the act that I do takes a lot of like timing and like it's a whole process. | ||
| It's not just sitting out there going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| It's kind of like it's more work than just saying, you know what, I'm just going to fuck around and do some bits, you know, just try some stuff or, you know, just fuck around. | ||
| So why would that? | ||
| Because if there's two people in the audience, I'm not going to bother trying to change my whole act to go around two people, you know? | ||
| But what I'm saying is, why does it have to be changed? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because it's funnier if you say certain things when there's an audience. | ||
| It's funnier. | ||
| If you say the same thing in front of two people, you should say it different. | ||
| You agree if there's a group of people, right? | ||
| Sometimes it depends on what you're talking about. | ||
| Timing's completely different in front of 400 people than two people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| Why even fuck around trying to even do the math of how it would work best when you just want to be like, hey, there's two people here. | ||
| I'm just going to fuck around with some new shit. | ||
| Well, some people are going to be able to do that. | ||
| I think you have to address the fact, obviously, this is only two people. | ||
| You have to make some light of that. | ||
| But then once you do that, you can pretty much, if your act is tight, you can pretty much do your act. | ||
| You could, or you could just fuck around. | ||
| You know, why even try to change things? | ||
| Man, I wish. | ||
| Because what I'm saying is, for me, when I do small crowds, it makes me well aware of the space that I have on my act that I need to trim out. | ||
| Like, I'm talking too much here, or this is too disingenuous, or this seems a little fake. | ||
| Yeah, you can tell me lying. | ||
| Yeah, this is like my segue. | ||
| This segue is like ham-handed. | ||
| You know, this punchline is like a little sticky. | ||
| Like, I feel the difference when I do it. | ||
| But that could be because, I mean, like, me personally, I wish that I knew when I did the shows for four people that I would be playing for 200 sometime in the near future. | ||
| So that's why I was more like, whenever I get on stage, no matter how many people it is, I got to make the most of this being on stage. | ||
| Even in New York, where you get on stage a lot more, even there, it's like, dog, I used to always just be like, I'm so grateful to be on stage at all, first of all. | ||
| Second of all, maybe I just appreciate that these people would even listen to my bullshit. | ||
| Who in the fuck am I that I'm looking at y'all like it should be more of y'all? | ||
| Well, if you really want to do it, you have to think about it like that. | ||
| You have to be almost obsessed with it. | ||
| I'm saying about this doing shows and not appreciating it as much or not thinking about as much. | ||
| Brian has one point that's really important is that when you're starting out and you start eating, anytime you eat it, it chips away a big chunk of your confidence. | ||
| And when you can look at something and you go, well, this is just not even set up for comedy. | ||
| Why am I fucking running uphill with sandbags? | ||
| You know, like this is going to give me a bad feeling. | ||
| I'm going to go up there and do some jokes that I have some, you know, some hope for and they're going to die because it's not an easy crowd. | ||
| So there's that point too. | ||
| I see that point too. | ||
| But there's both. | ||
| It's really, it's not either or. | ||
| There's both. | ||
| And it's just, it's a completely personal preference. | ||
| Like last time I was on stage was right after we got out of Portland. | ||
| I decided to do an open mic at Sal's. | ||
| And I decided, you know what? | ||
| Just as an idea, because I had just done five shows in a row a certain way. | ||
| I'm going to do the exact same way at Sal's. | ||
| So there was about eight people in the audience. | ||
| I did the exact, like almost a recorded version of what I just did the whole weekend just to see what happens. | ||
| And it was the most awkward fucking thing ever. | ||
| I'll let you listen to the audience. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I started, like, I have a part of my act where I just started doing this where I have a really uncomfortable pause, you know, and then mostly like there would be like a couple people that start get it like, okay, I get it now. | ||
| This is creepy. | ||
| Like, and then a bunch of people start laughing. | ||
| I did that there in front of eight people. | ||
| No one, there was never that one person that just started giggling to get it, to make the other people laugh. | ||
| And so it was just like complete silence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a lot of fun. | |
| So do you blame the audience or do you blame the way you perform? | ||
| No, no, I think the whole idea of that bit, that one particular bit, is that there's going to be a few people that get it and start giggling. | ||
| And then the other person is a little bit more. | ||
| I don't know what bit you're talking about. | ||
| I really can't really comment on it. | ||
| It's just the mob mentality of everyone to laugh if one person gets heard laughing. | ||
| It's where I said, you're a fucking porn star. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I just sit there. | ||
| Just sit there. | ||
| And suddenly a couple people giggle. | ||
| And then suddenly everyone starts fucking giggling. | ||
| It's like this new thing I started in Portland. | ||
| So I did that at Sal's. | ||
| He was not that one little giggler. | ||
| Sometimes people are giggling just because they want to laugh. | ||
| Sometimes people are giggling because they're at a comedy show and they've had a few drinks and they just want to laugh. | ||
| And if you give them a pause and they're laughing at some stuff before, they'll just start laughing. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But that's not what in this case. | ||
| This case is the whole bit. | ||
| I can't give away my bit, but you know that. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| So people put it together ways like comparing that with, wait, you're a fucking porn star. | ||
| So one person starts giggling. | ||
| Not making enough sense without saying the bit. | ||
| Yeah, I have to explain that. | ||
| So anyways, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I've heard the bit though, but I know what he's saying. | ||
| It's like it's something like if you have a picture of it. | ||
| But you got to adjust when there's a small crowd. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| So you just wanted to try it as an experiment to not adjust? | ||
| Yeah, I tried to not adjust. | ||
| To do exactly what you're doing. | ||
| And it worked on some bits. | ||
| Some bits completely worked fine. | ||
| Did you feel like bailing out halfway into it, though? | ||
| No, no, because it's eight people and most of these people were just other comics. | ||
| So I was just like, you know, I'm going to experiment with this. | ||
| That's one good thing about doing every day is just experimenting. | ||
| You know, like, that's just an experiment. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
| It's like a video game. | ||
| Like, I'm going to try jumping over this platform once. | ||
| I would recommend whatever you do, don't try to bomb. | ||
| Oh, I don't try to bomb. | ||
| And it's not like... | ||
| And it's not like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I'm just thinking about going up there and bombing on purpose. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That's the beauty of Open Mic, though. | ||
| That's one of those things where it's though, because you lived in New York for a while, right, Joe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of the things that being out here and being in New York, I think when you are in New York doing comedy, stage time, it's like, yes, you get on stage more, but it's kind of harder to, because when I was there, I had to pay to go up on open mics. | ||
| I had to either pay $5 or buy a couple drinks or do something to get on open mics. | ||
| That was like six years ago. | ||
| I don't know if it's changed since then, but you had to spend money to get on that stage. | ||
| So no matter what or who was there, you just spent some money to talk and now you're going to fuck around. | ||
| So I think at my level, we didn't have time to play because I just paid to get on this stage. | ||
| So I'm going to try to get better. | ||
| How much did you have to pay? | ||
| When I was there, you had to either buy two drinks, which for comics was like $6, or else you had to pay $5. | ||
| For mostly every open mic at a comedy club. | ||
| You have to pay to go on stage. | ||
| $5. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Cajot Cafe. | ||
| Or most. | ||
| Most places make you buy a drink. | ||
| Sal's makes you buy a drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's a good thing. | |
| Well, comics have to buy a drink? | ||
| You have to spend $5 and you get a ticket and then you're allowed to go on stage. | ||
| But actually, Sal's. | ||
| That's common. | ||
| Sal house. | ||
| Common. | ||
| It's common. | ||
| It's not common, but in LA, it's common. | ||
| Look, the most important thing is that there is some sort of an open mic system. | ||
| It's unfortunate when you get an open mic system, it makes you pay, though. | ||
| I don't mind it because I'm going to fucking buy a beer. | ||
| But still, some guys don't have five bucks every day. | ||
| I told Boone, you guys know Boone. | ||
| He's a homeless guy. | ||
| I think he's homeless, but he's a micer, and I think he's hilarious. | ||
| And he's like, I'm like, why aren't you going to Sal's anymore? | ||
| And he goes, well, because I can't afford five bucks. | ||
| And I'm like, look, I have one or two beer. | ||
| I have two or three beers at least every time I go to Sal's. | ||
| You just let me know. | ||
| I'll buy you a beer, get you a ticket. | ||
| So you can mooch off my beers. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking wow. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's really crazy because in New York, like I remember talking to Sal whether he was going to start charging, he's like, yeah, might as well. | ||
| Because it's like, nobody, that's not really common from what I've seen here when I first got here. | ||
| But now it's coming. | ||
| People are going to have to kick out. | ||
| And I think a lot less of that plan will be going on as far as, well, I can just play around because, dog, you just kicked out. | ||
| Well, if you're going to do it, if you're going to have a place to go up, five bucks is not bad. | ||
| And if, you know, if that's the difference between having an open mic night and not having an open mic night, then it's worth the five bucks because it's the most important thing, man. | ||
| Stage time, getting good spots, getting a bunch of people around you. | ||
| There's no substitute for it in the beginning, right? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| Yeah, you got to just hustle. | ||
| You got to do it all. | ||
| Even the stuff that sucks, just jump up there, dude. | ||
| Well, that's why I see with the two people crowds we were talking about. | ||
| I mean, like, you know, you got to be up there. | ||
| You got to be practicing no matter what. | ||
| I mean, like, I know shit. | ||
| I'm pretty much at, you know, we're the same level almost. | ||
| I mean, like, just, I'm right above the open mic phase at my fucking point. | ||
| But when two people show up, that means it was either them or nobody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they're doing you a favor just by being there. | ||
| So, I mean, the least you can do is give them your fucking all and adjust yourself to the room and all that. | ||
| Yeah, the most appreciative you are in every situation, the better. | ||
| The most that you appreciate every opportunity, the better. | ||
| And that's, you know, there's negative to it, but it's also you can, you can turn that around. | ||
| One person can go up in front of that same crowd and kill. | ||
| You know, I mean, I've seen that before where I didn't like something. | ||
| I didn't, the room was not to my liking or whatever. | ||
| And I went up with a shitty attitude. | ||
| Then a dude will go on after you and kill. | ||
| And you're like, okay, I was an idiot. | ||
| You know, now I know. | ||
| You know, I was young and stupid. | ||
| And here, now I've made a mistake. | ||
| And now I learned from that shit. | ||
| Some inner shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's like, I guess, to be honest, I'm just appreciative of the fact that, dog, it's legal. | ||
| First of all, this is legal. | ||
| And second of all, people let me talk some shit to them, man. | ||
| Like, if you had told me when I was in jail that I'd ever be doing this or like anything of this nature, I'd have told you you was crazy. | ||
| How much you getting worked out? | ||
| You getting road work and shit? | ||
| You've been the CD that just came out, too, right? | ||
| Oh, it's coming out. | ||
| They actually pushed the date back, but it's coming out on August the 1st now. | ||
| iTunes? | ||
| Yeah, but it's actually the first CD that's coming out on George Carlin's label other than his work. | ||
| Your manager situation, this guy who keeps giving you shit advice. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| Who got Lucky with George Carlin. | ||
| No, it didn't take much work. | ||
| Jerry, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Whoever you are, fella. | ||
| No, Jerry. | ||
| Jerry has a good. | ||
| But it's the only CD other than George's work to ever come out on his. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's called Wildly Inappropriate. | ||
| Wildly Inappropriate. | ||
| And yes, your mother's going to get autographed copies. | ||
| But it's like that. | ||
| And I'd like to thank Kelly, man. | ||
| Kelly is great. | ||
| Kelly Carlin is awesome. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Who's Kelly? | ||
| George's. | ||
| George's daughter. | ||
| Our daughter here. | ||
| Kelly Carlin. | ||
| She was the producer for Paul's show. | ||
| Oh, Paul Provenza's show. | ||
| Yeah, she's one of the producers for that. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| She's awesome because she heard my CD and she's like, all right, cool. | ||
| Like, because you have to clear it with all of these people because it's their father. | ||
| So are you doing Stand Up on the Road now? | ||
| I still don't have a TV credit. | ||
| According to a lot of comedy club owners, I don't have a TV credit. | ||
| You can't even get middle work? | ||
| Nobody's going to let me middle for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Dog, nobody's going to let me middleform. | ||
| Well, who says that? | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| It's happened too many times. | ||
| I've gotten complaints from middles. | ||
| And what's the complaint? | ||
| First is that I'm too dirty. | ||
| And then the second show, I'll do my whole act clean. | ||
| And then the third show, I'll take out certain jokes that they don't want done. | ||
| And by the fourth show, it's normally just, fuck them. | ||
| It's just like, we can't stop this dude from doing what he does. | ||
| So you're saying they don't want you middling because you're too good? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| That's what I would think, but that's kind of arrogant. | ||
| Call them out. | ||
| Who are they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dog, it's been a while. | |
| Oh, yeah, that one was a good one. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| I'm not in the position to call out, motherfuckers. | ||
| Okay, well, why don't you tell me their name and I'll call them out? | ||
| I'm not doing that either. | ||
| Dog, you actually. | ||
| Pick them with some subtle chess shit. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Two moves ahead. | ||
| I didn't go three. | ||
| I went to the moon. | ||
| You got to go three on me, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Got to go three on me. | ||
| But it's some dudes like, I have some fucked up stories, man. | ||
| And it's like. | ||
| So guys take you on the road with them. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm just talking about just from Hollywood, people have seen my act and they're like, there's no way in hell I'm taking them on the road with me. | ||
| And it's just because you're too dirty? | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Because you're too funny? | ||
| Maybe, you know what? | ||
| I'll just say because I'm too dirty. | ||
| Even though I don't consider myself a bad person. | ||
| I take the dirtiest dude on the world with me. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm not a human being dirtier than Joey that's ever existed. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to see his balls in the green or something. | ||
| I don't want to say it's because I'm too funny because who knows? | ||
| Funny is too funny. | ||
| Well, if you're following shit comics, there are comics that want only scrubs to go on before them. | ||
| It's a real common thing. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of people that get surprised when they come to see some of my shows. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you got Arasure Fear and Joey Diaz going on in front of you? | ||
| Like, those guys are both headliners. | ||
| Which is because I think because you're like a comic. | ||
| I mean, you're a comedian. | ||
| You aren't somebody that's just here to just say a couple jokes and get on a sitcom. | ||
| Like, you really take this as an art. | ||
| And as part of the art of comedy, you don't want Scrubs up in front of you. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want anybody to suffer through any bad comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I don't agree with you. | ||
| I don't understand why you would even think like that. | ||
| Because to me, I think it's like writing waves. | ||
| Like, wouldn't you want the best? | ||
| Let me tell you something, dude. | ||
| If you have a guy who goes on in front of you and barely gets by for 20 minutes or whatever, and the crowd gets uncomfortable, and then the comic, the main event guy comes out and just comes out guns blazing and crushes, it makes you look like a fucking superhero. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| You know, and the other guy bombed and you just destroyed. | ||
| There's some guys like that and they need it. | ||
| And the last thing they want to do is be in the green room, ready to go on and hear some guy out there killing. | ||
| Like it fucks with them. | ||
| They're taking away from my crowd. | ||
| There was a comic he wouldn't even allow. | ||
| It was a black comic. | ||
| He wouldn't let our buddy, who's a black dude, open for him because it was in his claws with his manager that no other black comic will go on before me because I want to black it up. | ||
| Well, there was a really funny we used to always talk about that on the East Coast. | ||
| It was funny how if you would go on the road and there's two white guys and one black guy, the black guy is always like, yo, yo, I was supposed to headline. | ||
| I was supposed to headline. | ||
| But if there's the black guy shows up and there's two other black guys, like, yo, I got to go on first. | ||
| I got to go on first. | ||
| Because they're doing the same material. | ||
| I don't care because I haven't heard no black guy say some of the shit that I say. | ||
| So I don't care. | ||
| And even with some of the comics, like you were talking about road work. | ||
| Like I'm in Vegas. | ||
| The next gig that I got booked is for Vegas like the first week of June, dog. | ||
| I get no work because I'm in that nexus of he's not funny enough to headline by himself. | ||
| I'm going to be honest. | ||
| You set yourself up. | ||
| You got like some negative little roadblocks in your head. | ||
| And you go down them and you're like, people ain't going to let me and this is going to happen. | ||
| And I got to, because people want to fuck with me. | ||
| You have this little thing in your head. | ||
| You automatically are in conflict with people. | ||
| You're like, people don't want to head me. | ||
| People don't want to middle me. | ||
| You just got to do your shit, man. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| The people that are going to, the people who are going to be intimidated by you, don't dwell on them. | ||
| Don't even think about it. | ||
| Well, I'm not. | ||
| And that's why I think that things are getting better for me as far as career-wise and mentally-wise. | ||
| Yeah, don't even bring that stuff up in conversation. | ||
| Just abandon those thoughts. | ||
| That was some shit that I was talking about just because you asked that question. | ||
| Nobody's holding you back, man. | ||
| That's what I'm telling you. | ||
| Nobody's trying to hold you back. | ||
| I know that because the whole thing is I don't care if they were. | ||
| It's my job to be the best that I can be on that stage. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| But that's all that I can control. | ||
| Like, I can't control who wants to take me on the road. | ||
| I can't control who wants to make me. | ||
| But how many times have you been on the road? | ||
| By myself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or period? | |
| Do you go on the road a lot? | ||
| No, I just work. | ||
| Like, Bud books me at his improv's. | ||
| Where's Bud's improv? | ||
| Oh, his is Vegas in Tahoe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's still. | |
| Oh, he still books Vegas? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He still books. | ||
| I thought he was retired. | ||
| I thought that was it. | ||
| Bud saw me one night, and I guess he was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're talking about Bud Friedman. | |
| Bud Friedman, the legendary guy from the improv with the monocle. | ||
| Remember those evening of the improvs? | ||
| Put on his monocle? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I play improvs and like Bud's improvs, and then I play Vegas some, but that's about it, man. | ||
| As far as me and traveling, that's about it. | ||
| I really haven't gotten on the road with any. | ||
| Like, I've never worked with anybody on the road, on the road. | ||
| Well, now that you got the Showtime special, you'll be able to get some gigs, right? | ||
| Hopefully, yeah. | ||
| Worge Carlin's manager and the Showtime special, bro. | ||
| Yeah, hopefully, yeah. | ||
| Put it all together. | ||
| Yeah, hopefully. | ||
| So if people want to get a hold of you, they get you on Twitter. | ||
| It's Daryl underscore Wright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And Brian is Brian Whitaker. | ||
| And, of course, Redband. | ||
| Redband is very upset of his Twitter follower. | ||
| Yeah, I don't have it. | ||
| It's so low, though. | ||
| So, so low. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody loves me. | |
| So many people hate me. | ||
| Yeah, I got a dog collar today, Joe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| For yourself? | ||
| No, for the girlfriend. | ||
| But it has like 10 levels. | ||
| And like the first level, you know, it's very mild. | ||
| And then if it keeps on barking, it gets higher and higher and goes up to these 10 levels, right? | ||
| So we had Mayhem Miller on today's skeptic tank with Ari Shafir. | ||
| And we decided, like, hey, my Pekinese is wearing this. | ||
| It's not going to be that bad. | ||
| So Mayhem puts it around his neck, barks, and fucking, he's just like, this is awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is awful. | |
| And I'm like, all right, Ari, you have to try. | ||
| Didn't think that it went up another level because of that, because he barked. | ||
| Every time he do it, and it had already, because my dog had made it go up to like level two or three or something like that. | ||
| So it was already on like level three. | ||
| Then Ari puts it on right on his throat, like on his neck and barks. | ||
| Shocks the fuck out of him. | ||
| I'm like, all right, it's not that bad. | ||
| But I wasn't going to do that. | ||
| I was like, fuck that. | ||
| So I was holding. | ||
| I went to hold it and they were laughing so hard and I started laughing that it vibrated and it made the noise and it shocked me in the hand. | ||
| My hand still feels numb. | ||
| It's pretty shocking. | ||
| Doesn't fucking, what the hell's his name? | ||
| Jason Ellis, doesn't he do like fights where dudes wear dog collars and shock them remotely? | ||
| That's why we decided to do it because Mayhem was talking about he just did it with Nick Schwartzen where they had fights and then they had him like wrap it around the legs and stuff and it would just drop you. | ||
| That. | ||
| Just drop you. | ||
| Dude, I am not down with that. | ||
| Those guys are crazy. | ||
| I think that played today Jason Ellis show. | ||
| Jason Ellis. | ||
| Yeah, he's electrocuting himself. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I want to get Ellis on here, man. | ||
| I will, dude. | ||
| I'm supposed to do his show, too. | ||
| Where we have it in planning. | ||
| Why is he electrocuting his show? | ||
| Because it's hot, man. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, so next week will be on Monday and Tuesday next week. | ||
| And times and guests and all that shit to follow. | ||
| This weekend, Joey and Ari and I are at Helium in Philadelphia. | ||
| I almost said Phelium. | ||
| Philadelphia. | ||
| That's what happens at the end of the show, folks. | ||
| Your brain is done. | ||
| So if you're in Philly, come on down. | ||
| It's all sold out, I think. | ||
| There was only a couple tickets left for Thursday night late show. | ||
| That was all that was left. | ||
| We added a late show Thursday. | ||
| That's how we roll. | ||
| We're like Gabriel Iglesias, but white. | ||
| Gabriel will do five shows on a Monday. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| That motherfucker rakes it. | ||
| So if people want to get a hold of you, Best Way, Twitter? | ||
| Yeah, just Twitter. | ||
| Twitter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Best way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Twitter's fine. | |
| Facebook, whatever. | ||
| Facebook, Facebook, and Brian. | ||
| Please follow Brian. | ||
| He gets so sad. | ||
| He gets sad. | ||
| What are you up to now? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| What are you up to now? | ||
| I think I'm about 18,000. | ||
| Still 10,000 away from Michael. | ||
| I was telling them before you came in, Joe, I got a stalker before I got any fans. | ||
| I got somebody who made a fake page on me on Facebook, and I checked it yesterday, and I was thinking, oh, maybe I got some other fans I didn't hear about. | ||
| There's one follower on this fake page. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was just so depressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like, damn, somebody made a fake page out of me, and I got one fake fan. | |
| Check out DeathSquad.tv, though, for the Death Squad podcast, and subscribe to that. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want to do, folks. | ||
| Don't listen to anybody, including him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| See you guys in Philly. | ||
| See you next week, Monday and Tuesday, for the podcast. | ||
| And that's what I'm going to say something real quick, though. | ||
| Tell me what you want. | ||
| For all of the podcast guys that hung around through all of this craziness, thank y'all for watching, guys. | ||
| This was fun. | ||
| Thank you, Joe, for having me. | ||
| Ray. | ||
| Thanks for being on, guys. | ||
| How's it going? | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| See you, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love you. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Flashlight. | ||
| Our sponsor is if you go to joerogan.net and click on the link, the little flashlight link, and enter in the code name Rogan, you get 15% off. | ||
| So you get a discount on your masturbation. | ||
| It's a quality product made by nice people. | ||
| White and blue only, unfortunately, and clear. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| White, blue, and clear only, though, unfortunately. | ||
| No black. | ||
| There's no black vaginas yet? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Blue, white, and clear. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Now you know. | ||
| Joe, can I plug a tour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| Sure. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| I'm plugging Smile and Die Comedy. | ||
| We're going with Rick Shapiro up north, Bay Area for a few days, coming up this Saturday. | ||
| We've started the Purple Onion and then off, I think, somewhere else in San Francisco. | ||
| I don't know, but you can follow that shit on Twitter too. | ||
| Just Smile and Die Comedy. | ||
| Smile and Die Comedy. | ||
| That's what it is on Twitter. | ||
| It'll be a small show. | ||
| All right, bitches. | ||
| Love you. | ||
| See you. |
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