March 15, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:15:56
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience What? | |
| What? | ||
| What, bitches? | ||
| Are we here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Brian Callum, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Good to be here. | ||
| Good to be here. | ||
| Very excited. | ||
| One of my favorite fucking human beings to ever walk the face of the planet. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| And he's here to join us at the fucking birth of the apocalypse as it's happening right before our eyes. | ||
| Indeed. | ||
| Build your canoes. | ||
| What the fuck is going on, man? | ||
| I'm building a canoe. | ||
| I live in Venice, bro, so I gotta have a canoe on the top of my roof there. | ||
| Are you really thinking about getting something like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if a canoe's gonna save you, buddy. | ||
| I think about all that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, you should. | ||
| I'm always thinking about worst case scenarios. | ||
| Well, you live by the water. | ||
| When you live by Venice, you really must take into account that we, just like Japan, are on a fault line. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And that shit could happen here. | ||
| That's a fucking nine, dude. | ||
| A nine. | ||
| A nine. | ||
| We can't even wrap our heads around what that means. | ||
| A nine is so crazy. | ||
| Well, I saw a video and I couldn't believe how long it lasted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, five minutes. | |
| Five minutes. | ||
| Five minutes. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Five minutes at nine. | ||
| If people don't know the Richter scale, how it works, every one point is 100% stronger than the point before it. | ||
| So a 7.2, 100% stronger than a 7.1. | ||
| This was a nine. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| This is the only, like no human beings have ever, that are alive, have ever experienced that before. | ||
| It was the biggest in recorded history? | ||
| No, not the biggest in recorded history, but the biggest that I think anybody that's alive has ever experienced. | ||
| Yeah, and I believe it's the biggest Japan... | ||
| I guess it's the fifth or sixth biggest earthquake in history, and it's the biggest one Japan's ever... | ||
| I don't trust all the... | ||
| What are you doing with the vines, buddy? | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| You just changed the volumes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that better? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just turned down the headphones. | |
| You're just too high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I turned down the headphone. | |
| Hey, Joe, I turned down the headphone volume because it's super loud in my headphones, and the only way I can turn down my headphones is if I turn down everybody's headphones. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's been denying. | ||
| Something's getting really hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, all right. | |
| He got a little tense really quickly. | ||
| Did you notice how tense he got? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I'm shrooming right now. | |
| I think you are, too. | ||
| Just keep it together, buddy. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| Just don't freak out. | ||
| All right? | ||
| Don't freak out, Brian. | ||
| Is that a bat? | ||
| The most important thing to these things, just let it happen. | ||
| Just go with it, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, have you shroomed lately? | |
| It's been a few months. | ||
| I haven't shroomed in like eight years because the last time I shroomed I violently was shitting and puking at the same time and tripping in the bathroom for like six hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a horrible experience. | |
| So I've been kind of nervous to do it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ate them last night. | |
| Most beautiful thing in the whole entire world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like amazing. | |
| There was parts I was with my friend where I was looking at them and like their faces you could just feel the energy coming from their face like visually. | ||
|
unidentified
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It was amazing. | |
| How much did you Only ate half an eighth and made it into a tea and did the tea process where you boil it and then you drink it and then you let it sit for another 30 minutes or whatever and then you ate those shrooms and it was awesome. | ||
| Did I ever tell you my shrooms experience the last time I did shrooms? | ||
| Because I was never a seasoned drug addict. | ||
| I was with Patty. | ||
| Remember Patty? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So I take mushrooms and I eat a lot of them because, man, I was like, let me see what these are like. | ||
| Cut to me. | ||
| I took a four-hour shower and I wept. | ||
| I laughed. | ||
| I reassessed my life. | ||
| And then I started seeing myself from the side. | ||
| I just started seeing my profile. | ||
| And I was sitting on a wall looking down at me, you know, my profile. | ||
| And I was like, here's a couple of problems. | ||
| My leg's way too short for my torso. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, I'm a coat hanger. | ||
| I've always wanted to be a barrel-chested Samoan. | ||
| I'm a coat hanger from a long line of peasant and Irish stock who are used to being persecuted, running, you know, knobby knees. | ||
| The whole thing was a disaster. | ||
| Genetics are not fair. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| You look at some fucking football players, some of those giant Goliath humans. | ||
| You look at a guy like Czech Congo. | ||
| Like when you're standing next to Czech Congo. | ||
| Genetics are not fair. | ||
| There's dudes that are born, like your friend that we were talking about in the kitchen, your doughy, small, effeminate friend. | ||
| That guy just got to roll the dice. | ||
| He looks like an overgrown baby. | ||
| Just a roll of the dice, man. | ||
| He could have been Czech Congo. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Czech motherfucking Congo. | ||
| I know. | ||
| If I could be built like any... | ||
| If I could have any jeans in me, I'd want Samoan jeans. | ||
| Samoan, just big fucking... | ||
| They're just studs. | ||
| They can take a punch, too, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Mark Hunt, he's a K-1 champion. | ||
| He's fighting the UFC now. | ||
| He just won his last fight. | ||
| And he's famous for it. | ||
| Dude's head kicking him. | ||
| And he just fucking wobbles a little and then straightens right back. | ||
| They did a thing on, if you are Samoan, you are 55 times, I believe this was the number, and it was on 60 Minutes, and I believe they said, if you're Samoan, you are 55 times more likely to play in the NFL than any white guy on the planet. | ||
| They're so big. | ||
| They're so fucking strong. | ||
| The Tongans, the Maoris, and the Samoans. | ||
| They're just on another level. | ||
| Giant bones. | ||
| Like, wrists like elbows. | ||
| And fast. | ||
| Like, a lot of fast twitch muscle. | ||
| Not this endurance muscle. | ||
| Remember David Tua? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| David Tua could have been, like... | ||
| I knew his trainer. | ||
| Dude, he was so badass, but for whatever reason, never really totally got it together. | ||
| Lennox Lewis beat him. | ||
| And that took a lot of wind out of his sails because Lennox tagged him a couple times pretty hard. | ||
| Well, I know the guy that trained Tua for that fight, for the Lennox Lewis fight. | ||
| I've actually worked out with him. | ||
| And he said that the first time Tua had ever done, he'd never done a squat. | ||
| And I believe, I don't want to misquote him, but I think he said he put 420 on his shoulders and he did a deep squat. | ||
| He went all the way down to where his ass is touching his heels and came back up. | ||
| And the trainer was like, who's a power lifter, was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| You've never squatted? | ||
| He goes, no, man. | ||
| And by the end of it, he was like, you know... | ||
| They had to attach two horses, two dead horses to a bar, you know? | ||
| Dude, he's one of the scariest heavyweight boxers to come along in a long time. | ||
| He wasn't able to beat the best guys. | ||
| He could never beat Lennox Lewis, but he could put anybody to sleep. | ||
| You ever see the fight when he fought John Ruiz? | ||
| No. | ||
| He caught John. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| He caught John Ruiz. | ||
| John Ruiz, by the way, is a very big man. | ||
| Tough dude, too! | ||
| You know, he's a burly guy. | ||
| Didn't John Ruiz fight Holyfield like three fucking times? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't he? | |
| Yeah, he was rough. | ||
| David Tua put him to sleep, dude. | ||
| Just jumped on him early. | ||
| Hit him with those gigantic ham hocks fix. | ||
| He tagged him early and then just put him away. | ||
| Put him completely to sleep. | ||
| Well, you know, you wonder as more and more money ventures into MMA, some of those guys who are playing, some of those Herschel Walkers and Michael Vicks, they're going to start coming to MMA. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, some of the guys who don't want to be playing for a team. | ||
| They'd rather fight. | ||
| Well, first of all, football is also, ironically, way more dangerous for you than is any MMA career. | ||
| That's so funny that people dispute that, but everyone looks at it in an emotional way. | ||
| You don't look at it in a contact way. | ||
| These people are running at each other. | ||
| And at 50 years old, take a look at their heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's not even, it's not a little bit more dangerous. | ||
| It's way more dangerous. | ||
| Way more dangerous. | ||
| Those fucking poor guys. | ||
| Like that kid, what is his name? | ||
| Chris Henry, the kid that fell off the back of a pickup truck and died. | ||
| You remember he was chasing after his girlfriend? | ||
| He was a wide receiver, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really talented athlete, right? | ||
| Well, young kid. | ||
| I think he was only like 25, 25 or 28. I think he was 25. Anyway, he's fucking massive brain damage when they did an autopsy on him. | ||
| You know, the concussions that he's had since playing football? | ||
| Your brain actually shrinks and all that. | ||
| Yeah, you get dementia. | ||
| I mean, that's what Lou Gehrig's disease is all about. | ||
| I mean, a lot of these guys are getting it. | ||
| It's all from head impacts and just irreparable damage. | ||
| They used to think, yeah, because ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease, they used to think was a function of a toxin. | ||
| They had all different kinds of theories, but they're starting to link, they think, they're starting to link some of this stuff to the ALS syndrome, whatever, to head injuries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there was a whole Brian Gumbel special about it. | ||
| It's scary stuff, man. | ||
| People take that real lightly. | ||
| They take head trauma real lightly. | ||
| Well, we're learning more and more, I guess, now. | ||
| And now, it really raises a huge question, which is, if indeed you can start to prove that four concussions or three concussions cause brain damage, if that's the case, and if they're able to actually measure this stuff, It will put a real onus on the NFL to figure out a way to either change the rules or make helmets safer, but then you don't have football. | ||
| So it really does. | ||
| Isn't rugby probably safer because they don't wear helmets? | ||
| They probably don't smash each other the same way. | ||
| I went to a rugby match recently, actually, in the south of France with, I think it was the Basque team. | ||
| God, I'm attracted to you now, you international traveler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
International sports. | |
| That's right. | ||
| I went to soccer in France. | ||
| I summer in the south of France, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
France, yes. | |
| I wish I could speak that way. | ||
| I want to be that really pretentious man. | ||
| Well, you know, compared to a lot of people, what you just said was that. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't mean it. | ||
| You're talking about going to a soccer game in France. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Two things I don't need. | ||
| No, rugby. | ||
| Tight shorts and soccer shoes. | ||
| Okay, sorry. | ||
| One thing I noticed was that they're huge men. | ||
| A lot of Samoans. | ||
| Just huge dudes. | ||
| Rugby players are studs, by the way. | ||
| Real men. | ||
| You ever seen that thing that they do? | ||
| Scrum. | ||
| Scrum. | ||
| No, that dance they do at the beginning. | ||
| Oh, that's the haka dance. | ||
| Yeah, the haka. | ||
| That's the New Zealand All Blacks. | ||
| It's my favorite thing. | ||
| Did you ever see the black and white one? | ||
| There's a black and white one. | ||
| I've seen every one of them more than a dozen times. | ||
| It's like an Adidas ad? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, it's good. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| If you're listening to this, go to Haka Dance, New Zealand All Blacks. | ||
| And there are so many of them. | ||
| And take a look at that. | ||
| It's a war dance. | ||
| And they've been doing it since the 1800s. | ||
| And it's carried on as a tradition. | ||
| And they take it seriously. | ||
| It's pretty fucking dope. | ||
| You would think it's stupid. | ||
| Like, what is this dumbass shit? | ||
| I got a really good one for you to see. | ||
| This one dude freaks. | ||
| He just literally just freaks. | ||
| They work themselves into a frenzy, man. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's a fascinating thing to watch. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're going crazy, but it's not like... | ||
| I don't feel like you're faking it. | ||
| I feel like that's what they're thinking. | ||
| That's in their heart at that moment. | ||
| Yeah, I believe them. | ||
| Jimmy Burke, by the way, our dear friend Jimmy Burke from New York... | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
| Got in a fight. | ||
| My friend got in a fight with a guy because he told the guy he looked like a combination of Rudolf Nureyev. | ||
| And he was this big guy who walks out. | ||
| He was drunk and goes, Dude, you look like Rudolf Nureyev and some other old actor and something like, I don't know, like Clark Gable. | ||
| And the guy's like... | ||
| And then he comes back and he goes, What did you say I looked like? | ||
| He goes... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rudy! | |
| Rudy! | ||
| As he walked out, he goes, he had rid of nerves. | ||
| He was a gay dancer. | ||
| Gay dancer. | ||
| I think he died of AIDS. But anyway, the point is, and the guy goes, looks back and he comes back in and he goes, who'd you say I look like that's gay? | ||
| Rudy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Rudy! | |
| It's Rudy! | ||
| Anyway, the guy takes his jacket and goes, let's go outside right now. | ||
| So Jimmy goes out there, and my buddy Jerry is with him, and he says to Jerry, he whispers, he goes, do everything I do. | ||
| It's like January. | ||
| He takes his shirt off. | ||
| He's got no shirt on. | ||
| It's freezing. | ||
| And he starts doing the Haka dance at the dude. | ||
| No! | ||
| But he's not looking at the guy. | ||
| And the guy starts to flip, and the bouncers are holding him back, and Jimmy never looked at him. | ||
| He just did the Haka dance, but made it really sexual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did a sexual Haka dance. | |
| And he's not looking at him and flexing, basically posing. | ||
| We have to explain this guy, Jimmy Burke, for this story to really work. | ||
| You tell this about a normal person, you're going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I can't even make sense out of that, that someone would do that. | ||
| Jimmy Burke is 50 years old. | ||
| We call him the national treasure. | ||
| He's got a very long neck. | ||
| He's got very red skin. | ||
| He's got no eyebrows. | ||
| And very, very... | ||
| One of my favorite fucking Jimmy Burke lines ever. | ||
| He goes, I ran into her accidentally. | ||
| She thought I was stalking her. | ||
| She goes, are you stalking me? | ||
| I'm like, believe me, honey. | ||
| If I was stalking you, you wouldn't have caught me. | ||
| And I half-stalked her. | ||
| And I have Stockton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the greatest. | |
| That was a good Jimmy Burke impression, by the way. | ||
| He's so fucking funny, that guy. | ||
| He's the funniest, craziest thing. | ||
| I had it for the impression at the beginning, but then I lost it. | ||
| I need to be around him more. | ||
| I need to see that guy. | ||
| I'm going to be in New York this weekend. | ||
| I've got to get his number from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remind me. | |
| I will. | ||
| He's very, very... | ||
| He's enthusiastic. | ||
| He really moves his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And by the way, by the way, he's in very good shape. | |
| Very good shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he'll hold that mouth position and go, very good shape. | |
| And wait for you to react. | ||
| You know what he does? | ||
| He makes children cry. | ||
| Babies! | ||
| He loves kids. | ||
| He's like, Hi! | ||
| The baby! | ||
| And sure enough, not even babies, like four-year-olds are like, And then he looked at me one time. | ||
| He went down to the baby and I was playing. | ||
| He's going, Oh, yeah. | ||
| Sure enough, I'm like, One, two, three. | ||
| It takes three seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| There are people that you meet in this life. | ||
| He goes, I look like Skeletor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my problem. | |
| I look like a red Skeletor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he looks at the mother and he goes, I'm so sorry. | |
| His face looks like it's plasticine. | ||
| Even when he says that, if you know him, it doesn't make you uncomfortable. | ||
| But God, if I didn't know him, and there was a guy like that, I'd be like, what is this loose cannon? | ||
| I can't predict what he might do. | ||
| He might do something. | ||
| Nutty. | ||
| Well, he did this. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'm saying this podcast. | ||
| I hope he's listening. | ||
| I literally... | ||
| First of all, he rides his bike everywhere. | ||
| He's 50, owns a bicycle and a TV. And that's all he wants. | ||
| That's how he's always been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a monk. | |
| He's a true monk. | ||
| And he's in better shape than anybody in the world. | ||
| He says, come downstairs. | ||
| I'm on 57th and between 8th and 9th at my mother's apartment. | ||
| He goes, it's literally 12 at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| In New York City on Christmas Eve, or around Christmas, where everybody's on the street. | ||
| And he goes, come downstairs, I have to show you something. | ||
| Come down in five minutes. | ||
| Click. | ||
| I go, alright, this should be good. | ||
| Throw on my coat. | ||
| I go downstairs, I'm standing with the doorman outside, and I hear from a long way away, Tick deck the holes with balls of holly on! | ||
| And he rides by me in a down jacket, cowboy hat, And no pants! | ||
| And no pants! | ||
| And he's riding. | ||
| He's pumping with his ass in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I see this dead baby bird. | |
| It looked like a large boy. | ||
| He's hung, but no hair on it. | ||
| He's got little red hairs on it. | ||
| It's a disaster. | ||
| And this white body. | ||
| He's neon white. | ||
| Neon. | ||
| Like Irish, like lost the pigment. | ||
| Like Gollum. | ||
| Lost the pigment lottery. | ||
| He gets in the sun, he starts smoking. | ||
| Literally, he's like a vampire, I swear to God. | ||
| So he's got this incredible, and he just, and this woman goes, he's coming this way. | ||
| He's coming this way. | ||
| And he goes, Merry Christmas! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Merry! | |
| And literally, I just see, he bites by in his ass, and I see his two balls, his 50-year-old balls, just swinging like a pendulum outside. | ||
| And the woman goes, he's coming this way, he's coming this way. | ||
| He goes, Merry Christmas! | ||
| She goes, And screams at him, and he goes, have a great time! | ||
| Turns back around and tries back a block to New York City. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's a streaker, man. | ||
| What is he doing for a living these days? | ||
| Is he still personal training? | ||
| He trains people, and he acts, and he does. | ||
| He's such a funny guy. | ||
| He's got really rich friends, too, who all want him around. | ||
| So I'd be like, please come on the trip. | ||
| It's a private jet. | ||
| We'll take you anywhere. | ||
| He's like, all right! | ||
| That's the thing about Jay. | ||
| Very few people in the world, especially when they get together, can do this, can be like, dude, you want to go to Tibet? | ||
| Tibet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right! | |
| Just like that. | ||
| There are no plans. | ||
| Nothing makes you go. | ||
| And what does he do? | ||
| Just call his clients? | ||
| Hey, I'm not going to train you this week. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| He just goes to Tibet. | ||
| It doesn't say anything to them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they show up at their appointments? | ||
| Plus his dad books cruises, so he goes all over the world for free. | ||
| He's such an odd duck, man. | ||
| I've always admired what a free spirit he is, but also how you always think guys like that are going to, at some point in time, at least make an attempt to To appear to have their shit together. | ||
| No, he's an amazing guy. | ||
| And I'm going to tell you, the other thing he is, is he's truly made peace with like, he's a true atheist, like a real atheist. | ||
| He's truly made peace with the fact that he is only here for a short period of time and dying to him is not something he's afraid of. | ||
| He came down with tuberculosis, but they didn't know what it was because he had been exposed to it by his grandfather when he was three years old. | ||
| So he starts going to the hospital and I get a call and my buddy says they think it's lung cancer or that disease that those 911 firemen get where your lungs disintegrate from breathing and all that stuff. | ||
| Either one, they're both fatal. | ||
| And they're looking for it and they tell him, look, this is probably what it is. | ||
| And I was with him when, shortly after, he knew all that. | ||
| You would never have known, and it's not denial. | ||
| He said to me, he goes, he told me what the prognosis was, and I was like, geez, this is one of my best friends. | ||
| I was like, this is the worst thing. | ||
| And I said, how do you feel? | ||
| You seem so normal. | ||
| He goes, Bri, first of all, if I'm going to die, I'm going to treat it like it's a comedy. | ||
| And oh, by the way, my funeral better be a good time, and you better make people laugh. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, I've made peace with my life. | ||
| I'm not afraid to die. | ||
| And I saw that firsthand, which I thought was just, you know, he's just an amazing guy. | ||
| He's got a good grip on things in a weird way. | ||
| Yeah, he reads everything. | ||
| He knows that. | ||
| I mean, he knows so much. | ||
| He's a very, very bright guy. | ||
| That's why it's so strange that guys like that almost always, in somehow or another, they fall into some, at least, semblance of normalcy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're not 50 with an apartment and a TV and a bike. | ||
| You try to get your shit together. | ||
| You run a house somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, we've got a house now. | ||
| We're looking to buy, but we don't know what neighborhood. | ||
| Or you're ambitious, which he never was. | ||
| He's never been ambitious. | ||
| And it's not anything you're self-conscious about either. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this guy ticklish? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's find out, Brian. | ||
| I don't know, Brian. | ||
| Do you have some time this weekend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, did you see what Gilbert Gottfried said about Japan? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you guys think about that? | |
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Well, let's read the quotes. | ||
| Let's read the quotes. | ||
| Gilbert Gottfried's quotes. | ||
| Yeah, to me it was like, alright, that's not even trying to be like edgy or like, I don't know what he's thinking. | ||
| He's pretty funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean, but still, I don't even think, that's even to me, yeah, too soon. | |
| Well, what did you think? | ||
| What did you think about what you said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just thought, definitely, does he realize how many people died? | |
| You know, how many kids died? | ||
| What is the number? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking, you know, seriously, there's time where you should just not do anything. | |
| And there's definitely, I think, a time period, you know? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I don't try to say anything like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's what I felt. | |
| I'm not fucking raising flags and protesting or anything. | ||
| I think that's fair. | ||
| I think we should all be more conscious of people's feelings. | ||
| This is what 50 Cent said. | ||
| 50 Cent said, look, this is very serious, people. | ||
| I had to evacuate all my hoes from L.A., Hawaii, and Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| I had to do it LOL. He gets points up until the LOL. Yeah, that's right. | ||
| First of all, because LOL, LOL, especially when you have just the first letter capitalized and then the next one not, that looks really fucking stupid, dude. | ||
| All right? | ||
| That looks dumb. | ||
| Either you're going with all caps or no caps with your LOLs. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Second of all, are you a girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| Then what's with the LOL? Okay? | ||
| Listen, that's for girls and retards. | ||
| That's what LOL's for. | ||
| Are you a girl? | ||
| But the idea behind it, you know, that you just start immediately making jokes about all these poor fucking people that got hit with the worst natural disaster. | ||
| I think that's a defense mechanism. | ||
| I think a lot of men have that as a defense mechanism. | ||
| I don't have a problem with people making jokes about it. | ||
| Why wait, you know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think what he said was hilarious. | ||
| I had to evacuate all my hoes. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| That's fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
50 Cent's one was fine with me. | |
| What did Godfrey say? | ||
| Okay, you had a much more... | ||
| Gilbert Godfrey... | ||
| Let's see what his tweet said. | ||
| Gilbert Godfrey's tweets were... | ||
| Oh, they're not even showing them, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They covered them up? | |
| Well, it's not in this one. | ||
| It's like a lot of stories where they're not... | ||
| One was kind of like, hey, my girlfriend broke up with me. | ||
| Don't worry, another one will float by soon, or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't find them, unfortunately. | ||
| I think sometimes when you're trying to be funny, sometimes things can go awry. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, he's just a silly guy, you know? | ||
| Yeah, he's a silly guy who's funny and been doing stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but that's something you say to your friends, maybe, for a couple of years. | |
| I've hung with him a couple of times, and I've laughed harder with that guy. | ||
| We did an episode of CSI together, and we just had the most off-color fun in the world, but it was a good spirit. | ||
| You also got to understand the mentality of the New York comedian. | ||
| New York comics are always trying to over-insult you to the point of being just completely outrageous. | ||
| Like, Jim Norton told a really funny story on Opie and Anthony about Louis C.K. and him hanging out in the village. | ||
| And Louis C.K. just walks up to him and slaps his pizza onto the ground and says, your mother's a cunt. | ||
| Like, out of nowhere. | ||
| And Jim Norton is laughing while he's telling us, and he's like, oh, it was a juicy slice of pizza, too. | ||
| I was so mad. | ||
| I'll read you the text that Will Sassa sends me, because we have a relationship like that, where we try to insult each other the worst we can. | ||
| He started calling me a mule, and he sends me the most outrageous texts. | ||
| I can't even describe it. | ||
| Those relationships with friends like that are fun. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| Eddie Bravo and I do that shit to each other all the time. | ||
| I've got to read one of them, too. | ||
| But anyway, Gilbert Gottfried is in, you know, he's a comic. | ||
| And when you're a comic, sometimes you write shit, and you're writing shit really for people like you. | ||
| And for fucking Gilbert, if he was at home, and he was reading someone's Twitter, and he started saying all this shit about Japan, he would be laughing his fucking ass off. | ||
| It doesn't mean that he's not a sensitive guy. | ||
| It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel bad for all these people. | ||
| It's just, it's also funny. | ||
| Well, I called him one time. | ||
| I was doing... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but have you ever seen a little Asian girl cry? | |
| It's so adorable. | ||
| And that times that by millions. | ||
| And the little Gilbert Goffey's going over there. | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| I don't think it's right to say those things. | ||
| Gilbert looks a little bit like an Asian child. | ||
| It's funny to Gilbert. | ||
| It's funny stuff. | ||
| I mean, it's funny to me, too. | ||
| Look, I feel terrible about what happened in Japan, but... | ||
| Those are still good jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're good jokes, but not good jokes maybe to put on your Twitter and advertise and throw it out. | |
| No, listen, I wouldn't say them. | ||
| I wouldn't say them for a bunch of reasons. | ||
| I wouldn't want to say anything that would hurt anybody's feelings like that. | ||
| Especially someone who just randomly got caught. | ||
| I don't care how funny the joke is. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think Gilbert is the kind of guy who ever... | ||
| He's not got no sacred cows. | ||
| To him, he's gonna say the joke. | ||
| And he's a good guy. | ||
| He's not a bad guy. | ||
| It's just that he's looking for the laugh. | ||
| There's a laugh there, and he sees it, and as a comic, he just goes for it. | ||
| And then, you know, people freak out and get upset about it. | ||
| I'm sure he'd probably never expect... | ||
| He's from the age of no internet. | ||
| You know, he's from the age where you could say anything you wanted. | ||
| So, you know, those guys, they developed that way. | ||
| You forget how many people are not into what you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| You know, and that's what it becomes. | ||
| And that's okay. | ||
| Yeah, it's okay. | ||
| The only problem was that he's a commercial artist as well. | ||
| He does commercials and that's what fucked him. | ||
| They pulled him off of a campaign because, you know, look, obviously this is a terrible tragedy, you know, and no one's trying to make light of that. | ||
| No. | ||
| But can't you both mourn for the people and laugh too? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| And I was going to say, this is what I was going to say, is that, you know, for the most part, I think in tragedy, that's exactly what you need. | ||
| The last thing somebody who's going through a tragedy needs is a bunch of other people acting really somber around that person. | ||
| Right, and suppressing happiness and laughter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm not saying that, you know, you should be happy that that happened. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| But shouldn't, you know, shouldn't we try to be the happiest we can at all times always? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And I think there's always room for humor and it does take some of the sting out of it. | ||
| It's very soon. | ||
| But think about how a lot of times you do deal with things. | ||
| You start marking when you're actually over something by how easily you can make fun of it and how easily you can take those. | ||
| So sometimes you're pushing that too quickly, obviously. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| But there's something to people about making a joke about a situation as to not being able to feel for the people that are in that situation. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's just that, God, it's so far removed. | ||
| It's way over there that he doesn't even think about it. | ||
| He just says the joke. | ||
| I would never do it, and I know you would never do it, but he's just a comic, man. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| And a good one. | ||
| And he's a comic that's, like, known for saying, like, the most offensive show of all times. | ||
| Yeah, like, one time I was doing, I do every year, I do the Doris Roberts Children with AIDS Benefit. | ||
| So we do stand-up. | ||
| Kevin James does it sometimes. | ||
| It's a good time, Sarah Silverman. | ||
| And we get up and we do, you know, 20 minutes in this big thing. | ||
| And I called Gilbert to see if he wanted to do it. | ||
| And Gilbert, Gilbert's a great, you know, and I know him, and he's, but he just kept going, fuck the children! | ||
| And I go, no, but listen, this is a benefit for AIDS. He goes, Fuck the children! | ||
| I'm not doing it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he wouldn't stop saying that until I fucking finally had to hang out. | |
| I was like, oh, fuck it. | ||
| So he seems like when he's on Howard Stern that he very rarely has a real conversation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because he lives to be funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if the same shit happened in California, though? | |
| Listen, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he did a joke about California. | |
| We lost half our friends. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would be totally different. | |
| No, no, you're right. | ||
| But Brian, there are guys in Japan and in England and everywhere else that would be saying it. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I agree with you that it would hurt, but I don't agree with you that he shouldn't be able to say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you should say it, but you should put it on your Twitter and openly almost brag, like, look, I'm being fucking edgy. | |
| You know, you're pushing it in your face. | ||
| I think Gilbert just miscalculated and made an error in judgment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Twice? | |
| He did it twice or three times. | ||
| He did three different tweets. | ||
| He did a bunch of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He took them down, unfortunately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're on TMZ. If anyone's looking for them, they're on TMZ's website. | |
| I think the second or third page. | ||
| I mean, you know, I like Gilbert and I don't think he means what he says and I think he was just being a comic. | ||
| And probably just pushed the envelope a little. | ||
| Oh, we're apologists. | ||
| So let me read you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's really good on Jay. | |
| Here's what Will Sasso wrote to me. | ||
| This is literally, like, I'm just doing minding my own business, and I get this text from him, and this is our relationship. | ||
| And speaking of kind of being able to joke around, he goes, you're a fucking meat pod. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| What's a meat pod? | ||
| He goes, ah, fucking anthropod made of meat. | ||
| You're a fucking, you're a fucking all fours walking meat puppet. | ||
| Hey, meaty, meaty mule, ready to hang your slack face drool much? | ||
| Down while you mosey around on all fours, turn into muley. | ||
| Go around. | ||
| Hey, mule, get over here and lick these mites out of my ass. | ||
| You guys sound like you're queer for each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let me read these Gilbert Gottfried Japan things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| You're like a little child over there. | ||
| Here's one. | ||
| Japan is really advanced. | ||
| They don't go to the beach. | ||
| The beach comes to them. | ||
| I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, there'll be another one floating by any minute now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That one's fucked up. | ||
| You know, but whatever, man. | ||
| If you're going to want these guys to say fucked up shit about other things, you've got to accept it when it's something that either is close to home or hurts your feelings. | ||
| And I absolutely feel bad for the people that had to hear those jokes and they lost someone over there. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| But But, you know, fuck, is it worse? | ||
| The joke actually makes the idea of, I mean, how could you hurt anybody worse than losing a loved one? | ||
| There's nothing worse. | ||
| The joke is not going to make it worse. | ||
| Especially, you know, I was thinking about that. | ||
| Just have your children, whatever, just washed away. | ||
| Fuck, dude, I watched some of those videos. | ||
| Never finding them. | ||
| It's so terrible. | ||
| Some of those videos, there's the initial video where it breaks the wall, and you see these boats come over the top of this wall, this seawall, and start smashing through houses. | ||
| And it's like, whoa, man. | ||
| Like, that is... | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's such heavy-duty fury. | ||
| And then you realize, how much fucking water is there out there? | ||
| It's an ocean. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Why would you live so close to the ocean? | ||
| I was in Malibu this weekend. | ||
| There's a place called Malibu Seafood. | ||
| It's a good little fresh seafood place in Malibu. | ||
| As we were driving, I was looking at all these houses that are right on the beach, and they're ridiculously expensive. | ||
| For a little tiny-ass house, it would be like five, six million bucks. | ||
| They're really expensive. | ||
| In Malibu? | ||
| Yeah, in Malibu. | ||
| And I'm like, wait a minute, they're on the beach! | ||
| What kind of trust do you fuckers have? | ||
| You got trust that that shit's going to stay there? | ||
| I remember the first time I ever was in a car high. | ||
| Eddie Bravo was driving, and we were in Redondo Beach. | ||
| And we were going over this edge of this hill. | ||
| And I look off to the left-hand side and I see the ocean. | ||
| And it was the first time it ever occurred to me how much fucking water that is. | ||
| Just sitting right there. | ||
| What we saw, the Japanese thing, was just a little... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just like it moved in its sleep. | |
| Like the ocean just wiggled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How amazing was those videos, by the way? | |
| Incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Houses just destroyed in a second. | |
| Incredible, but it makes you really realize what could happen if, say, there was an asteroid impact or... | ||
| You know, the Canary Islands, the East Coast has to worry about the Canary Islands because apparently there's a volcanic shelf that if it drops off, and it will, and it has in the past, drops off into the ocean, it will cause a fucking tidal wave that will drown everyone a mile in on the East Coast. | ||
| The whole Northeast Coast is just going to get fucking slammed with this insane amount of water. | ||
| You know what's weird is that when I watched that wave come through, I thought the houses could withstand it, sort of. | ||
| I mean, they just go underwater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, dude. | |
| No way. | ||
| But instead it got all just up, even like telephone poles got up. | ||
| The mass of that water is something I don't think we can... | ||
| It's also pushing debris with it, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| It's also pushing. | ||
| It's like a huge, like the thing, like the blob or whatever that... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It absorbs everything, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's got fucking cars in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pushing cars. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a huge, like, meat mush of stuff. | ||
| And there's so much energy behind it. | ||
| I mean, didn't they say that the tsunami wave was traveling something like 500 miles an hour? | ||
| Well, I think once they get an earthquake on the bottom of the ocean, the ripple effect can be as fast as 600 miles an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| So, I guess it's, yeah. | ||
| Tsunamis, I guess, start underwater that fast. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| It's just energy, I guess. | ||
| They said it created a breach that was, or I don't know what the word they used to describe it, but 50 miles wide and 270 miles long. | ||
| That's how much moved on the bottom of the Earth's surface. | ||
| That's like those rogue waves when you're on a cruise. | ||
| Oh, I've seen those. | ||
| Fuck a cruise ship, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hated when I was on a cruise ship. | |
| Dude, that scares the shit out of me. | ||
| Not only that, here's what I think about on cruises. | ||
| What a perfect way for a maniac to randomly kill people. | ||
| Just throw people off the boat. | ||
| I'm just gonna chuck you off the boat. | ||
| I've been on cruises. | ||
| At 12 at night, nobody's on that deck and nobody's stopping the boat. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that shit called? | |
| What's that shit called where they say that people on boats sometimes gaze out into the ocean and just jump off for some reason? | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's like a term for it. | ||
| Retard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They call it like ocean's dream or something like that. | ||
| They get tranced by it. | ||
| Sirens call? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I always thought it probably doesn't exist. | ||
| That condition is just people getting murdered. | ||
| And then they're just like, well, another ocean mermaid piss. | ||
| It's also Odysseus now. | ||
| Remember in the Odyssey, though, when Odysseus tells the sailors not to look at the sirens, or not to listen to the sirens, because if you listen to them, you'll jump in the water and you'll try to follow them, and then you drown? | ||
| And a lot of the men didn't cover up their ears? | ||
| Yeah, it was the sirens, and isn't there a Celtic myth about something like that as well? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou? | ||
| When the women in the water... | ||
| Are they sirens? | ||
| Is that what they were? | ||
| Those were mermaids, aren't they? | ||
| No, they were like temptresses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that movie. | |
| That was a great movie. | ||
| The Coen brothers are the best, man. | ||
| I forgive them even for movies that end with no ending. | ||
| I love when they just do weird shit. | ||
| They just take chances. | ||
| Remember Barton Fink? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was such a great movie with John Goodman and John Turturro. | ||
| Dude, Fargo, man. | ||
| Still holds up. | ||
| Go back and watch that. | ||
| Raising Arizona. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Elf. | |
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Elf is good. | |
| I watched that last night. | ||
| That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about. | ||
| I've never seen Elf. | ||
| I can't comment on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will Ferrell's hilarious. | |
| You know what I did see? | ||
| I went to see Red Riding Hood because I'm completely fixated on werewolves. | ||
| I'm friends with the director. | ||
| Of Red Riding Hood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really? | ||
| You're friends with the chick who directed Twilight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you wearing a tampon or anything? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'm good friends with her boyfriend, Jamie. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We play cricket together. | |
| Did you guys talk Twilight and did you ask her serious questions and pretend you enjoyed the movie? | ||
| Okay, now, do you think that they really love each other? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For me, I felt that, but he's a vampire. | |
| Please tell me that you got in an insincere conversation with the woman who was the director of Twilight about how great the movie was. | ||
| No, we actually ended up playing running charades. | ||
| Please tell me. | ||
| I wish I had. | ||
| She's cool, man. | ||
| She's really cool. | ||
| I actually watched the first Twilight and I didn't have a problem with it. | ||
| I was like, well, it's not a bad movie, but there's been way worse movies. | ||
| It's not for me. | ||
| It's not my generation. | ||
| It's for children. | ||
| He liked the books better. | ||
| The book's amazing. | ||
| Saw the book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Saw the book. | |
| Try to live the book. | ||
| Anyway, go on, Joe. | ||
| I think it was the second one. | ||
| I was like, alright, this is getting fucking dumb. | ||
| This dropped off substantially. | ||
| The first one was pretty decent. | ||
| She did a good job of capturing that teenage angst, that achy love. | ||
| Yeah, it's like an achy love sort of horror movie. | ||
| It was kind of like achy love, but more exciting than the usual whiny bullshit. | ||
| I fell in love with her, too. | ||
| Kristen Stewart, I don't know what it is about her, but I just wanted to... | ||
| You know, she's my friend John's daughter. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, John Stewart was the... | ||
| I guess I don't know his actual position. | ||
| Assistant director, I guess, on Fear Factor. | ||
| He was the guy who organized everything on the set. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Super pro. | ||
| He's one of these guys talks like this. | ||
| We got you over there, buddy. | ||
| Have a seat. | ||
| We'll be get you in five. | ||
| Get you in five. | ||
| Just always on the ball, juggles the whole set like a fucking champion. | ||
| We had a bunch of people that did that job, and they all stumbled and fucked up. | ||
| It's just too much work. | ||
| But this guy's like an old pro. | ||
| He's been around forever. | ||
| And he was telling me about his daughter doing some movie with Jodie Foster. | ||
| I'm like, yo, why are you letting your daughter act? | ||
| I know. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| And then meanwhile, listen to me. | ||
| His daughter now is one of the most famous actresses in the fucking world. | ||
| She's probably made enough money to retire for the rest of her life. | ||
| You're making a lot of money. | ||
| She's so pretty. | ||
| Something about her I just find so... | ||
| Like, she doesn't try. | ||
| She doesn't really even wear makeup. | ||
| She just is... | ||
| You know, there's so much to be said for people who can just be present and not try to do anything and not try to be... | ||
| I'm just talking about people. | ||
| Before we start, in any conversation about a girl, I have to tell you that you know that you are always attracted to girls that look like they may cry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's you. | ||
| You are the guy who comes over and the girl is standing out in the rain. | ||
| That's the greatest description. | ||
| And she looks like she's going to cry and you're like, hey, look what I found! | ||
| I found a project! | ||
| I'm going to save you! | ||
| Let me get in my horse and ride over there and save you, damsel. | ||
| Yeah, you love that. | ||
| That's the best, that's the funniest and best way to describe it. | ||
| That's you, buddy. | ||
| You and I have talked about this many times. | ||
| I've had to rescue you a few times. | ||
| Yeah, you have. | ||
| And I actively ignored you a couple times, which almost cost me my house and a lot of money. | ||
| There was one time where I ran into Brian and Brian and I were in Hollywood and he said, I'm going to bring this girl by that I'm dating. | ||
| I would love to see her. | ||
| And she goes, hi, nice to meet you. | ||
| And I shake her hand. | ||
| I look at him. | ||
| I go, come here for a second. | ||
| And I go, I take him outside. | ||
| I go, listen to me. | ||
| I go, she's fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's fucking crazy. | |
| I have like the most ridiculous crazy radar. | ||
| And when there's something really wrong with someone, my body goes on red alert. | ||
| Well, guess what? | ||
| She was on meth when she met you. | ||
| Yeah, meanwhile... | ||
| Which I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know what the hell meant. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| I just thought she had energy and she was jerky. | ||
| Bitch was squirrely as fuck. | ||
| As soon as she came over, dude, she was so off the charts, bizarre and shaky and weird. | ||
| And she's just saying hello to me. | ||
| I pull him aside. | ||
| All she said is, hello, nice to meet you. | ||
| And then I go, whoa. | ||
| Come here for a second. | ||
| And I take him outside and I go, she's fucking crazy. | ||
| Let's get out of here right now. | ||
| Let's get out of here right fucking now. | ||
| You don't have to say goodbye to her. | ||
| Just call or tell her. | ||
| You're never going to hang out with her again. | ||
| Anyway, the long end of the story is chaos. | ||
| All sorts of things happen. | ||
| He breaks up with her. | ||
| And then many, many years later. | ||
| How many years later was it that you saw her walking? | ||
| Tell the story. | ||
| Walking down the street? | ||
| About a year. | ||
| Tell the story. | ||
| Keep it kind of... | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| We're on the DL. We didn't name any names. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| You dated a hundred methods. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It could have been any one of them. | ||
| It used to be my thing. | ||
| Nothing really good comes out of that whole drug, man. | ||
| Nobody ever said, hey, I did meth, and then everything worked out. | ||
| Yeah, there's no meth advocates. | ||
| I had these problems, and I did some meth, and everything just... | ||
| I got a new house, and my body looks great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what looks tricky, though? | ||
| What's tricky is that Adderall stuff, which is kind of like a speed, right? | ||
| I mean, isn't it a form of speed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cocaine. | |
| Is it? | ||
| It's just cocaine. | ||
| Synthetic cocaine or something. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Probably. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what it feels like to me when I did it. | |
| It just felt like I was on cocaine. | ||
| Well, that's probably because most of the cocaine you got was cut. | ||
|
unidentified
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With Adderall? | |
| With speed. | ||
| With speed. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| So I think it's like a speed. | ||
| Yeah, it's speedy. | ||
| Yeah, because the late, great Robert Schimmel, God bless him, rest his soul, and all that good stuff, great guy. | ||
| He told me once, I ran into him just randomly, and he told me about accidentally taking someone's Adderall. | ||
| He thought it was something else. | ||
| He thought it was like his blood pills. | ||
| You know, he had a heart attack. | ||
| And he thought it was, and he had cancer. | ||
| You know, he had a lot of fucking serious health problems. | ||
| Maybe he didn't have a heart attack. | ||
| Maybe he just had cancer. | ||
| Anyway, he had some serious health problems. | ||
| And he took this Adderall by mistake. | ||
| And he called his doctor. | ||
| He was like, holy shit, I think I took Adderall by mistake. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| He said, you can't do anything. | ||
| Just kick back and enjoy the ride. | ||
| It's going to be with you for the next 12 hours, but you're going to be fine. | ||
| He goes, for 12 hours, I just organized all my notes. | ||
| He goes, I just started writing. | ||
| He goes, I got so much shit done. | ||
| Is that what you take it for, to be more clear? | ||
| Yeah, some people take it. | ||
|
unidentified
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ADD people usually take it. | |
| Yeah, a buddy of mine's on it. | ||
| He's on it all day. | ||
| You know him, too. | ||
| We'll talk about it off the air. | ||
| But he's on it all day. | ||
| He takes it all day, every day. | ||
| He's prescribed by a doctor. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what specifically they said he needed it for, but man, he's a fucking workaholic now. | ||
| It's like that fucking movie that's coming out with Bradley Cooper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Limitless. | ||
| Limitless, where you take a pill and all of a sudden this pill makes you super focused. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure they're going to come up with stuff. | ||
| That's Adderall, bro. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking people on Adderall. | ||
| I found out about Adderall when I was on Fear Factor because there was PAs, production assistants, and the production assistants were all like college kids. | ||
| They were all doing it like a lot of them were. | ||
| They're doing it for just getting out of school, first gig, and they're doing it as part of their classes. | ||
| And they would start talking about how they would take Adderall while they're in school. | ||
| So I was like, you know, kids are taking Adderall? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| And they're like, oh my god, I can't even go to school without Adderall. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That's what I thought was interesting about, did you see a documentary, Bigger, Faster, Stronger? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| And, you know, people say, well, you're taking steroids and then there'll be gene doping and all kinds of things and pretty soon they'll have nanotechnology that kind of oxygenates your blood. | ||
| But they said, you know, steroids are illegal, but yet performers can take beta blockers, for example, that actually keep them from getting nervous. | ||
| Can they really? | ||
| They're allowed? | ||
| That's legal? | ||
| Well, I mean, apparently, one of the guys was an orchestra violinist, and he takes beta blockers because it helps him. | ||
| Otherwise, he doesn't get nervous. | ||
| He's much better at playing. | ||
| The issue is that is a performance-enhancing drug. | ||
| You could make the argument. | ||
| Right, but that's like the difference between violins and steroids is a pretty big leap. | ||
| But the debate still is they're both performance enhancing drugs. | ||
| One makes you more muscular because that's what was required in your particular endeavor. | ||
| Whereas the other makes you more focused and your fingers are more relaxed, whatever it might be. | ||
| It's just an interesting debate. | ||
| You've got to go, where do you draw the line? | ||
| I say personal freedom is where you draw the line. | ||
| I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do. | ||
| If you want to take Adderall and write books all day, good for you. | ||
| Why would I? Give individuals the choice. | ||
| It's like when Bloomberg in New York, Mayor Bloomberg, made restaurants where we're not allowed to provide foods that had trans fats. | ||
| I don't know if that law went through, but that was the... | ||
| What exactly are trans fats? | ||
| I think trans fatty acids... | ||
|
unidentified
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That's fats with penises. | |
| No, I think trans fats... | ||
| Brian just knocked it out of the park. | ||
| That's why he's here, folks. | ||
| I think it's like a partially hydrogenated oil. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| It's not good, but delicious. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I want to be able to eat not good, but delicious sometimes. | ||
| If you're going to make trans fats illegal, let's make two things. | ||
| Let's take white flour and sugar. | ||
| How about fucking cigarettes, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before they even touch that. | ||
| Where do you draw the line? | ||
| White flour and sugar make some delicious donuts. | ||
| That's where you draw the line. | ||
| Now, if you eat too many of them, you'll get diabetes. | ||
| But give me a break. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're going to make it... | ||
| You can't... | ||
| You've got to figure out where to draw the line. | ||
| You make people weaker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People should be able to make their own choices based on the information that they can... | ||
| And nowadays, everybody can get information. | ||
| I'm always amazed that so many people don't spend more time taking a look at what they put in their bodies. | ||
| But some people worry about access to children. | ||
| This is like the big worry. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I hear that about adults, but what about my kids? | ||
| I don't want my kids... | ||
| It's always going to be a worry. | ||
| It's never not been a worry that the answer to that is not to take away adults' ability to choose things for themselves. | ||
| It doesn't make the world a safer place. | ||
| You want to try to make the world a safer place? | ||
| Let's take one example. | ||
| Lower the speed limit to 36 miles an hour. | ||
| It'll save lives. | ||
| I can measure that for you mathematically. | ||
| You want to lower the speed limit? | ||
| No. | ||
| We're going to have it at 55, 65 because that's the pace life moves at. | ||
| And by the way, people die at that pace. | ||
| But nobody's going to slow down because the slowdown is, ready, not worth it. | ||
| So you're putting a price on human life, which we do every single day as a society, and we have to. | ||
| That's an interesting way to put it. | ||
| You could spend more money on airlines. | ||
| You could spend actually more money to really, really triple safeguard planes. | ||
| You could actually do it. | ||
| Wouldn't be worth it because price for everybody would go up and you wouldn't be able to fly that way. | ||
| We make these decisions subconsciously and consciously every single day. | ||
| My friend Johnny used to say, why don't they put a big parachute at the top of the plane? | ||
| It's such a smart thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's a great idea. | |
| I thought about that and I'm like, god damn it, that's like some genius shit. | ||
| Why don't they? | ||
| No one even talks about it. | ||
| I like when they find that black box and the guy's like, why don't they just make the whole plane? | ||
| Made out of the same shit. | ||
| That was a hack in 87. It sure was. | ||
| Or why don't they at least give you parachutes per, you know, like underneath your seat just in case of you, just last ditch. | ||
| You're fucked anyway, bro. | ||
| Well, but planes, planes don't fall, they don't fall out of the sky. | ||
| Usually most plane crashes happen on takeoff and landing. | ||
| So that's, so your parachute's not going to do shit. | ||
| It's not like you're in the air and the plane... | ||
| What you need is some sort of adamantanium, the shit that Wolverine's bones is made out of. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Like a shield that you put around you on impact. | ||
| Wouldn't matter, because impact, the percussion, your brain would smash against your head. | ||
| Maybe you, maybe you. | ||
|
unidentified
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Or just like... | |
| My brain would be fine, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
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Or just a huge shot of heroin with bubbles and stuff. | |
| I got padding in my brain. | ||
| Maybe you, bro. | ||
| Whatever, Joe's getting competitive with me. | ||
| He's getting competitive with me. | ||
| Who can take more impact? | ||
| This is such a stupid conversation. | ||
| I hate this podcast. | ||
| Last night when I was shrooming and went outside, and looking at the stars when you're shrooming is the most fucking amazing thing in the whole entire world. | ||
|
unidentified
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They were just pulsating. | |
| You sound like you're riding a dolphin right now, dude. | ||
| With a unicorn blowing him. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's just like anywhere. | |
| Right now I'm riding a dolphin. | ||
| The unicorn's licking his asshole. | ||
| He's got hay around his asshole and the unicorn's licking it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I want to shroom every day. | |
| I don't think that's good for you, bro. | ||
| I think that's what happened to the Mayans. | ||
| That's my latest... | ||
| I have this bit about the Mayans. | ||
| About the Mayans, you know, the reason why they came up with this end of the world shit. | ||
| They were fucking doing mushrooms and like staring at space all day. | ||
| Like there's a certain amount of mushrooms you should stop at and whatever the fuck the Mayans did. | ||
| Because they disappeared. | ||
| You know, the people, the Mayan people are still there. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| When I went to Chichen Itza, I went on the tour of the ruins and everything like that. | ||
| There's people there that look like those Mayan sculptures. | ||
| There's people there that have those Mayan features, and they're really tiny people. | ||
| It's really bizarre. | ||
| So the Mayans, it's not like they all died off, but whatever the fuck they were doing was so crazy. | ||
| That it got to a point with human sacrifices and the whole thing just fell apart. | ||
| When you're doing human sacrifice, I'd call that pretty crazy, and raiding other villages. | ||
| A lot of it might have been that they were just getting fucked up on mushrooms all the time. | ||
| Just going to war on mushrooms. | ||
| And we know the Vikings went to war on mushrooms. | ||
| They would become berserkers. | ||
| And the Scots, they called them berserks, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what mushroom they took. | ||
| I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell us, but I think it was the Amanita muscaria, which is the one that's linked to Siberia and Santa Claus. | ||
| Because they would get naked and they say they'd cry blood. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, listen, man, if you fucking put yourself on the right mixture, you know, and you've got to go to war, you put yourself on some crazy next dimension mixture... | ||
| You know you have to go to war. | ||
| We think of war as something to be avoided. | ||
| But when you're living in 1 AD, there's no avoiding it. | ||
| There's dudes with swords and they're coming on horses and you better get a spear. | ||
| And the weird thing is the way they would fight is... | ||
| The way they would fight, I always think about this. | ||
| If I was in the front line, you want me to charge into all those blades and just fight like that. | ||
| I'd be waiting. | ||
| I want to be the sniper. | ||
| I want to be the guy first. | ||
| There was no avoiding that. | ||
| That shit happened. | ||
| I'd learn the bow and arrow quick. | ||
| Yeah, but even that, man, eventually someone's going to run up on you and hack your leg off. | ||
| It's a bad way to talk. | ||
| What a crazy way to go to war. | ||
| Those fucking Braveheart movies where they have two armies, they meet across a field, and they just run at each other? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Did they really rock it like that? | ||
|
unidentified
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I hope not. | |
| I wouldn't have done that. | ||
| At least they had anesthesia and antibiotics back then, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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I would have stopped to bend over to tie my metal shoelaces. | |
| Do you know how sucky it was to live back then? | ||
| You died of things like tetanus, diphtheria, whooping cough, smallpox. | ||
| How about starvation and animal attacks? | ||
| Starvation, animal attacks, other countries coming in and going, hey, we're going to kill you and enslave your kids and rape your wife. | ||
| You know what people have forgotten about, man? | ||
|
unidentified
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Wolves. | |
| There's all this talk like, we've got to save the wolf. | ||
| The wolf are amazing, majestic creatures. | ||
| Yeah, wolves used to eat fucking kids, man. | ||
| There's a reason why all these Little Red Riding Hood with that movie that I saw, all these three little pigs, there's a reason why there's wolves in all these children's stories. | ||
| Because wolves would fucking eat your kids. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They're out there, man. | ||
| And they're getting stronger and bigger. | ||
| Did you hear about the wolf pack in Siberia? | ||
| Or somewhere in the Soviet Union. | ||
| But we're forming somewhere. | ||
| Russia. | ||
| Whatever it's called now. | ||
| 400. They had found bear DNA in their feces. | ||
| They were killing bears, right? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| That's not what I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm talking about a pack of super wolves. | ||
| There was 400 wolves in this Russian town. | ||
| And they were killing horses. | ||
| They were ganging up. | ||
| Because it got so cold, apparently, that all the animals that they prey on died. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So they started breaking into places and killing horses. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And there's 400 of them acting as a super pack. | ||
| First of all, living in Siberia in the wintertime, and they're like... | ||
| Well, I'm not sure if it's Siberia. | ||
| It's somewhere, obviously, incredibly cold in Alaska because everything died. | ||
| Everything froze to death. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| There's been a lot of freezing to death lately, man. | ||
| In Vietnam, 7,000 fucking, I think it was oxen, oxen or some wild cow or something, whatever the fuck it was, but 7,000 large animals died. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| With all these massive die-offs that's happening this year, all of them together, I don't remember any die-offs just a few years ago. | ||
| I think they've always happened. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, I think in nature you always have diabetes. | ||
| By the way, you also always have viruses that come in and wipe out, for example, the wild dog of Africa. | ||
| That dog, you know, a lot of, from what I've read and seen, I believe, they get, one of them gets distemper and then the whole pack dies. | ||
| You know, they just spread it back and forth. | ||
| I had a dog that had distemper and it was scary as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, it's scary. | ||
| I had a rescue dog. | ||
| He was a Doberman and he was real sweet. | ||
| And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, man, he just started snapping at me and growling at me. | ||
| And I was a little kid. | ||
| I was like 11. One of the great things we've done as human beings in the 20th century is really checked most pathogens, most diseases like that. | ||
| We have come up with an ability to really make them slim to vanishing in our everyday lives. | ||
| When was the last time you knew anybody who died of a disease? | ||
| And if you read any kind of literature, any literature, pick up any book from even 1948, even if you watch plays, there was always... | ||
| Everybody had dealt with different kinds of plague, whether it was influenza, the worldwide influenza that hit this country very, very hard in the 20s, or polio, which put countless children, thousands of children on iron lungs. | ||
| They died, and then they lost their ability to walk. | ||
| Our own president of the United States got polio and was in a wheelchair. | ||
| Now think about that. | ||
| When he was governor of New York, Franklin Roosevelt was basically walking and standing and then he got polio when he was at the height of his power. | ||
| At the height of his power is when he caught it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, then he became president of the United States. | ||
| Yeah, there's no doubt that it's the safest time to live ever. | ||
| There's never been a time like this. | ||
| You know, with all the violence that we have, think of the population. | ||
| The population has dramatically increased. | ||
| When people say, well, things aren't like they were in the 70s. | ||
| Motherfucker, do you know how many more people there are than there were in the 70s? | ||
| In the 70s, there was probably only 3 billion people in the world or something. | ||
| The other thing that's amazing is we've figured out ways to harness food. | ||
| Like, you know, India, wide swaths of India and Southeast Asia, and especially in China, went through terrible famines and never had enough to eat. | ||
| And a lot of that, a lot of that stuff is a memory. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| It seems to me, though, that these things are happening much more frequently. | ||
| I would like to think that it's just because of our access to information that we have with the internet and Twitter and all these things. | ||
| So we find out about disasters, whether it's in Chile, whether it's in China, whether it's in New Zealand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We find out about them in real time. | ||
| But I don't buy that, man. | ||
| I feel like there's more. | ||
| I mean, I guess someone should do the research, or maybe somebody already has, and I just need to find the site. | ||
| But I think more things are happening now than I can ever remember. | ||
| And I'm trying to be objective about it. | ||
| No, I understand, but I think we all have a tendency as human beings also, number one, to, first of all, I don't think there's ever been a time in history when people weren't predicting the end of our race as we know it. | ||
| I'm talking about the first century Pharisees or the Essenes. | ||
| In the Bible, that's what they talk about. | ||
| They were apocryphal. | ||
| That is so much a part of our nature, I think. | ||
| Not only to always imagine disaster and prepare for disaster, but to predict disaster. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| The one thing that's for sure is that you will always deal with these, what they call black swans, these sort of aberrations that come out of nowhere and take the whole chessboard and throw it in the air. | ||
| And that is as much about the human experience as anything else. | ||
| And I think that if you always keep in mind that all this can be taken away from you or can change you or can throw your whole contract that you came to this table with, rip it to shreds, You'll probably be better off. | ||
| No one's read that contract. | ||
| This is the real problem with human beings. | ||
| We all just exist and we don't really think about what the fuck is truly going on until something nutty happens. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And by the way, remember, a lot of psychiatrists will tell you that all of us come to the table with a contract. | ||
| We all make deals with ourselves. | ||
| We say, if I work really hard, I'm going to get this job. | ||
| If I work really hard, I'm going to get famous. | ||
| If I work really hard, I'll make a lot of money. | ||
| And a lot of times, life doesn't work that way for a whole myriad of reasons. | ||
| A lot of times, by the way, it's because people aren't honest with themselves and don't realize what they're actually good at versus what they want to be good at. | ||
| We see that a lot with acting and all these things, but I think you see it everywhere. | ||
| But at the end of the day, most of us... | ||
| It's really interesting, the social scientists, because they'll say, a lot of times we have a contract come to the table and we say, this is what happens. | ||
| We get older, it doesn't happen. | ||
| But human beings are also really, really good at creating what they call synthetic happiness. | ||
| They can assess what they got now versus what they did want, and they realize it didn't work out, and then they'll just start to really love what they like. | ||
| The social scientists did a really interesting study between people who won the lottery and then people who became... | ||
| Paraplegics. | ||
| And he measured their sort of happiness on a broad sort of scale a year later and found that they were both in the same place. | ||
| Because the people in the wheelchair had done such a good job of embracing their new reality. | ||
| That just means the lottery winners are retards. | ||
| That's all that means. | ||
| Well, yeah, I'm just saying. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| No, if you won the lottery, dude, you'd be way happier than if you were in a wheelchair. | ||
| Unless you're an idiot. | ||
| Well, but I'm just saying human beings, it's more a comment on the people in the wheelchair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What I was saying, man, when I was saying that people aren't exactly aware of what's going on, here's the deal. | ||
| We live in a society that was collected over the course of hundreds of years of innovation. | ||
| It's created off the work of millions of people that you've never met. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And all their combined efforts and discoveries have allowed you to live this really simple and easy life. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| And that's what we're all doing. | ||
| And we are all raising children with the same ignorance that we have about what this is all about. | ||
| In this country. | ||
| In this country and all countries. | ||
| No one knows what the next stage of this existence is. | ||
| I think, for example, if you look at India and you look at China, and especially India, India is becoming a real hotbed of innovation. | ||
| And those kids work... | ||
| They're slaves. | ||
| No, they work hard. | ||
| I call them when my Dell computer doesn't work. | ||
| But they're smart, and a lot of that innovation is coming out of India. | ||
| I'm sure there is, man. | ||
| I'm sure it is. | ||
| What I'm saying, what I'm getting at is, no one has earned this life that we live right now. | ||
| No one that's alive has. | ||
| It's a collective effort. | ||
| But as individuals, very few of us are even putting into perspective normal things like our own mortality, the mortality of our very climate, the mortality of the structure and the shape of the continent. | ||
| I think because, in a lot of ways, we're more comfortable today than we ever have been. | ||
| Plenty to eat. | ||
| You can go way beyond your biology. | ||
| You don't worry about these diseases. | ||
| You don't even really have to worry about war for the most part. | ||
| That's new in our country. | ||
| Remember, in 2011, if you take even 1985, half the world was under communist dictatorships who had their missiles pointed directly at our major cities. | ||
| That doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| There really is, for all intents and purposes, one superpower, one military superpower in the world. | ||
| And Russia's no longer a threat. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| We now have NATO. Most of the Eastern European countries that were our enemies are actually part of NATO. Now, who do you talk about? | ||
| North Korea and Iran. | ||
| Maybe significant to an extent, but certainly nothing like the threat that the Soviet Union was. | ||
| So I think people, you're right, I think people for the most part are a lot more relaxed and feeling a lot more secure. | ||
| Everything is better now. | ||
| People are smarter now. | ||
| People are nicer now. | ||
| People are more aware and informed now. | ||
| They're more aware of their own mental and psychological problems. | ||
| We're fatter now. | ||
| Bigger asses now. | ||
| The question becomes, how much discomfort do you have to experience to be great? | ||
| Because I think greatness does come out, to a large extent, doesn't come out of comfort and luxury. | ||
| It doesn't seem like it does, but sometimes it can just come out of discipline. | ||
| And there is struggle in that discipline. | ||
| If you can be the type of person that really, you know, you don't have to be living a terrible life to write good stuff. | ||
| You know, you could be living a great life as long as you're disciplined and you really tune yourself into it as you write. | ||
| Yeah, you know, you were talking, I thought, I had a thought, you were talking about how, you know, genetics suck and pretty soon, you know, we're going to be able to kind of choose our genetics. | ||
| But the question becomes, you know, I think of myself... | ||
| It would happen. | ||
| Well, but the problem with that is that so much... | ||
| I'm worried that we'd lose our color because so much of what I do and what drives me... | ||
| You're worried that we're going to lose the white color? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Color. | ||
| Like color. | ||
| Flavor. | ||
| Flavor. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spice. | |
| Spice. | ||
| Nice recovery, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not color, I mean like our flavor, our identity. | ||
| Because so much of what we do, so much of what I do, what drives me, is that I'm compensating for my inadequacies or my perceived inadequacies. | ||
| That's why I worked out, that's why I did martial arts, that's why I wrestled. | ||
| I felt like I was a little... | ||
| Sort of, but it's always from the childhood. | ||
| The place that a performer comes from, and me too, and everyone we know. | ||
| Everyone we know that's a comic, there's always... | ||
| But what I'm saying is in some ways, God bless a dysfunctional childhood. | ||
| Yeah and no, because you're one of a hundred that didn't. | ||
| There's a hundred like you that smashed on the rocks on the way up to the top of the cliff. | ||
| You managed to bite through vines with your teeth and get to the top, and you took a deep breath, and now you're okay. | ||
| But you didn't have to be okay, and neither did I. Anyone with a fucked up childhood, like the idea of encouraging a fucked up childhood to create an interesting child. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, that's really what you're saying. | ||
| But the trick of life isn't the trick of life. | ||
| Isn't the trick of life to turn that which is bad into something good? | ||
| Yes, it is the trick. | ||
| But some people fail at that trick. | ||
| And then we have criminals wandering through the streets that are dangerous and emotionally detached. | ||
| Human beings. | ||
| It's very easy to destroy a human being. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's not hard at all, man. | ||
| Just raise them terrible. | ||
| It's always like some feral child in Russia. | ||
| You hear about raised by dogs. | ||
| You're like, holy fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You just stop and think about it. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| The kid's been eating dead birds and shit. | ||
| That's what's interesting about it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Can you imagine getting raised by dogs by poodles or something like that? | |
| That's the thing about what's so weird about contemplating disaster like the one in Japan. | ||
| Any disaster, anything has a ripple effect. | ||
| The crazy thing is that sometimes one person's loss is another person's opportunity. | ||
| It's just that dance that constantly goes back and forth. | ||
| And there's one side, something terrible happens, and it opens up a whole new world and opportunity for a whole other group of people. | ||
| Whether it's somebody opens a company that provides quake relief, and now he's employed 60 people who can feed their kids. | ||
| Whatever the case. | ||
| It's just this constant dance, man. | ||
| And whenever you try to pinpoint or treat life like it's a noun, you're in trouble. | ||
| And by the way, your relationships are a verb. | ||
| Everything is a verb. | ||
| Everything is always moving. | ||
| Everything is in flux. | ||
| Yeah, you are too. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The whole thing is. | ||
| There's nothing static, but that's what everybody looks for. | ||
| That's the problem with the contract. | ||
| Everybody looks for those golden years. | ||
| They look for that moment where they can stop. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I think if you keep growing and you keep surprising and shocking yourself and maybe even scaring yourself, which is hard to do. | ||
| You sound like an actress right now doing an interview for Esquire. | ||
| I was about to sing a song, dude. | ||
| We got in a way of my song. | ||
| You're going to sound like some new chick in the next Blockbuster movie that's going to annoy the fuck out of me. | ||
| I am beautiful. | ||
| The worst earthquake, you know, everyone's talking about what Gilbert Gottfried said. | ||
| No one said dumber shit than what Sharon Stone said after the Chinese earthquake. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| She said, maybe, you know, I'm friends with the Dalai Lama. | ||
| You know, maybe this earthquake in China is karma because of the terrible things they've done for Tibet. | ||
| Wow, I remember that. | ||
| You think innocent people, thousands of them. | ||
| Thanks a lot, Sharon! | ||
| You're an actress! | ||
| Crushed by rocks. | ||
| And she's a name-dropping little twat. | ||
| I'm fans of the Dalai Lama. | ||
| Who asks you, Hooker? | ||
| I'm sure he thinks about you all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm sure when he's doing his mantras, he's like, Sharon Stone, Sharon Stone. | |
| You know, Sharon, you know the girl from Basic Instinct, etc. | ||
| No, excuse me, you mean the girl from Above the Law, the Steven Seagal debut movie. | ||
| All actors, including me. | ||
| Look, the fact that we worship actors is the funniest thing. | ||
| If an alien came down, they'd be like, wait a minute, you're worshiping these people who are basically good at being emotionally available and pretending? | ||
| Is that really something that... | ||
| It's a skill. | ||
| It tells a good story. | ||
| They're part of a story. | ||
| What's more impressive, that or golf? | ||
| Golf! | ||
| Golf takes a lifetime. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, but I like movies, and Tiger Woods probably can't act. | |
| I love movies. | ||
| You can't fuck golf. | ||
| I love movies. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I love movies. | ||
| Because I think both are equally ridiculous. | ||
| You know, I've always said that it's one of the funniest things in the world, that people think that a guy's a hero because he hits a ball into a hole in the ground. | ||
| It seems so silly. | ||
| You know what I like about any competition, like golf or any game, is that it requires, when you want to win at that game, it requires you to basically do all that self-examination. | ||
| You've got to face up to all your obstacles. | ||
| You've got to deal with your performance anxiety. | ||
| You know how it is to try to get better. | ||
| You see fighters that choke. | ||
| That's the point of competition. | ||
| I probably would love golf. | ||
| That's why I'm terrified of it. | ||
| But I play pool. | ||
| Don't ever pick up a golf. | ||
| I'm not going to. | ||
| I know how you are. | ||
| I won't play chess either. | ||
| For those of you guys who don't know this about Joe Rogan, I've always said most of the public actually knows very little about Joe. | ||
| For example, he can draw really well. | ||
| He's a notch below pro pool player. | ||
| He is. | ||
| He knows more about pool and he's actually a really good draftsman. | ||
| You can draw really, really well. | ||
| That's what I wanted to do when I was in high school, before I got into martial arts. | ||
| I wanted to be a comic book artist. | ||
| You're a real martial artist. | ||
| You'd be a nightmare to fight. | ||
| You can draw really well. | ||
| I'm short, balding. | ||
| You're short, balding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stinky feet. | |
| You hug like a donkey. | ||
| My asshole's never clean. | ||
| Are you not wearing pants, Joe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I always have dirt underneath my fingernails. | |
| Don't do it. | ||
| But wait, there was a point I was making and I'm too high to remember. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Pool, playing games. | ||
| Oh yeah, but the problem is that you're so intense that once you pick something up, it's like that game Quake when you played for 15 hours and then passed out as you were leaving your... | ||
| He drives me to the store and he's getting these handles and he's like 30. He's getting his handles and all these weird things. | ||
| And I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| What are these grips and stuff? | ||
| He goes, it's for Quake. | ||
| I'm playing somebody in Sweden tomorrow. | ||
| I will crush him. | ||
| I was like, whatever with a thousand yard stare, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you played Kinect yet, Joe? | |
| Dude, you have no idea how... | ||
| We've talked about this in the podcast way too many times. | ||
| But Quake is too fun. | ||
| Quake is even more involving than pool. | ||
| I won't allow myself Quake. | ||
| I've always been afraid of those games because I'm... | ||
| Yeah, they're too good now. | ||
| Like Gears of War, like we, Cliffy B put up, Epic Games put up the Unreal 3 engine, the new engine. | ||
| They put up a demo. | ||
| Fucking heck, man. | ||
| It just doesn't, it looks real. | ||
| It looks like a fucking movie, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cool. | |
| I do this joke now about how we're fighting wars now like that, you know, like with drones and stuff. | ||
| Guys, Nevada and Florida, think about that. | ||
| You're killing somebody 5,000 miles away, but it's a video game and you're actually taking life. | ||
| You wonder what that does to you psychologically when you come home and you're eating dinner. | ||
| But my joke was like in 20 years, the war hero is not going to be the grizzled guy with the shaved head and the scars. | ||
| He's going to be the chubby dude with huge thumb muscles who smells like Doritos and weed. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, that was that movie Starfighter, remember? | ||
| The movie where the kid had to get really good at a video game, and when he got good at it, they came down and took him to fight in the galaxy. | ||
| That's what it's going to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, these Pakistan drone things are fucking frightening because it's such a gray area, too. | ||
| It's like, we're not really in Pakistan, but we are in the sky above Pakistan. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| But there's no one in the plane. | ||
| And you don't hear it. | ||
| You just hear it. | ||
| When I was in Afghanistan, I watched those things taking off all the time. | ||
| I was like, look at that thing. | ||
| It's not even manned. | ||
| It just takes off. | ||
| Dude, Hellfire missiles. | ||
| That's all you need to know. | ||
| What are you doing, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See this? | |
| Cliff E.B.'s Epic Games' Infinity Blade video game? | ||
| They go through, like, that Hellfire missile, I think, I believe, somebody told me. | ||
| They go through, like, a foot of steel or something. | ||
| Like a foot of steel. | ||
| The idea behind it is so crazy that you can just pilot something from halfway across the world in real time and trust it to just, you pull the trigger. | ||
| It's only the beginning. | ||
| How much of a delay is the lag? | ||
| There has to be some lag. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| You can actually watch it on the internet. | ||
| Because that's a big thing about playing online. | ||
| When you play online, it's all about your ping. | ||
| And if you have, like, one ping or two ping, like, you're in the server. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're local to the server. | |
| Does that matter anymore, though? | ||
| So, fuck yeah. | ||
| Isn't internet, like, so fast nowadays that it makes a big difference? | ||
| What do you mean by ping? | ||
| Ping is in milliseconds. | ||
| It absolutely matters. | ||
| A guy with a higher ping than you can still beat you, but you definitely have an advantage when you're local. | ||
| Say if we set up a server in my house and I set up a server and I'm here connected to the machine, but other people have to connect and get the information through the internet. | ||
| So their ping, say if they're down the block, at the lowest they're going to get is maybe a 10. This is back in the day. | ||
| I don't know if it's changed. | ||
| But you get like 10 ping if you're lucky. | ||
| But that's because you're here. | ||
| But if you're in Sweden or somewhere like that, no doubt about it, you're going to have a slight delay. | ||
| It might be 150 milliseconds. | ||
| It might be 200 milliseconds. | ||
| It won't be a full second. | ||
| That's unbearable. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| 250 milliseconds is where it gets squirrely. | ||
| What's weird about that is the human reaction. | ||
| Can get to the point where you can barely measure it. | ||
| Like when they do sprinting, you know how with the Olympics? | ||
| You know why they shoot the gun? | ||
| They shoot a gun, but that's for effect. | ||
| They actually, if you're running 100 like Usain Bolt, and you're in a race, they shoot that sound off behind you. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's got to reach all the guys at the same time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| If you shoot it like this, the guy at the end is the last to hear about it. | ||
| And they're so fast off the blocks that the other guy's already going to win the race. | ||
| You didn't hear it in time. | ||
| So they found that when they shot back in the day, they'd be shooting it here. | ||
| The guy closest to the gun would always have this advantage. | ||
| And so now, and even when they send that sound off now behind these guys, the problem is the sound dissipates to hear. | ||
| So it starts, you know, you've got to have it originate somewhere. | ||
| How do you get it to all of them at the exact same second? | ||
| Because they're so fast off the blocks, you're actually giving the guy who hears it first an advantage and they win. | ||
| It's like the guy, and check this out. | ||
| You know the difference between fourth place and first place in the downhill ski event was? | ||
| In, you know, whatever it was. | ||
| It was two blinks of an eye. | ||
| Gank, gank. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Gold. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Gold. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| That's why swimmers trim their fingernails. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, don't trim their fingernails. | ||
| They try to keep their fingernails long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| To act as like little paddles? | ||
| No, so that you can touch because you're dealing with hundreds of a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They grow pimp nails? | ||
| You try to... | ||
| It's all computerized. | ||
| The minute you touch that... | ||
| So if you were built like Husamar Palhares, you'd be a terrible swimmer because you wouldn't be able to have that big reach. | ||
| Those guys are albatrosses. | ||
| I don't think it's possible to compete in a lot of Olympic sports without doping and without doing drugs. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Why do you think all of them get caught? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| It's the biggest joke. | ||
| They're going after Lance Armstrong, bro. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| They're going after him, which is weird. | ||
| They get him on lying, which is a very strange thing. | ||
| If you're going to put people in jail for lying, how about most of the government? | ||
| You can't sustain a lie. | ||
| Nobody ever went to jail for taking steroids, but people have gone to jail for lying to the government. | ||
| Listen, if they take him, his money away, or if they say that you did some stuff that was against the rules and you should be fined and we can prove that, that's one thing. | ||
| But they're going after him to lock him up, man. | ||
| They're going after him to set an example and lock him up for something that everyone's doing. | ||
| Everyone is doing. | ||
| Especially in cycling. | ||
| But remember, he wouldn't be arrested for doing steroids. | ||
| They wouldn't lock him up for that. | ||
| They would lock him up for committing perjury. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weird, right? | ||
| That's how they got Al Capone. | ||
| That's how they got him on tax evasion. | ||
| That's what the case against Barry Bonds is. | ||
| The case is you perjured yourself on the stand, right? | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| You have to tell us the truth. | ||
| And if you don't, it's a crime. | ||
| Well, you don't know. | ||
| You know you have the right to take the fifth. | ||
| So you can say nothing, which is one of the great things about our system. | ||
| You can choose to not incriminate yourself. | ||
| I refuse to speak because I don't want to incriminate myself. | ||
| Right, but don't they lock people up when they do that? | ||
| You can be locked up if you are given, I believe, now I'm not a legal scholar, I mean, aren't they doing that all the time? | ||
| What I believe you can be locked up is if you have evidence and the government subpoenas that evidence and you refuse to speak, if you say, I'm not telling on my friend, you can go to jail for that. | ||
| They can put you in jail for that. | ||
| And they have. | ||
| They put a journalist in jail because she wouldn't divulge her sources. | ||
| And I believe that was in the Valerie Plain case. | ||
| Yeah, that's creepy shit. | ||
| She said, I'm not going to divulge who told me that this person was a CIA operative or whatever. | ||
| And she went to jail, and then Scooter Libby, I'm not sure if I'm getting all my facts right, but Scooter Libby, it turns out, was pardoned by the president later on, but convicted of divulging a U.S. agent's identity to a non-authorized person, which is a crime in this country. | ||
| It's so bizarre how many different people we have all over the world that are in military bases and, you know, that are government operatives of the United States. | ||
| We have them positioned all over the world to kind of keep an eye on everybody. | ||
| We always have, you know, and it comes from the Cold War and it's a dangerous place. | ||
| But the real issue becomes, the U.S.'s strength has always been not that its power comes from the barrel of a gun. | ||
| The U.S. has always been... | ||
| It's influence, innovation, but mostly it's a beacon of hope where you can come here and if you got the stuff and you got the metal, you might just be a millionaire. | ||
| That is something that resonates throughout the entire world and always has. | ||
| I wanted to ask you this because you've got some experience in the Middle East. | ||
| What do you think is happening with all these different places, with Saudi Arabia, with Saudi Arabia? | ||
| I think it's a beautiful thing, and it's a human thing, and I'll tell you what I think most of all. | ||
| I think that you heard a lot of analysts and professionals and people who follow this stuff and people who are so-called experts. | ||
| I used to always hear something, they used to always say this, democracy is not synonymous with Islam. | ||
| You'd hear that all the time. | ||
| And I think what this proves is that democracy, and let me define democracy. | ||
| The desire for representative government. | ||
| Let's just take that. | ||
| The life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. | ||
| Just let me pursue whatever it is. | ||
| Those kinds of things. | ||
| Being able to speak my mind. | ||
| Being able to petition my government. | ||
| Being able to say something against my government. | ||
| Being able to do all the things I take for granted. | ||
| Those are human rights. | ||
| And they are not American rights. | ||
| They are human rights. | ||
| And this proves that you can say whatever you want about Islam, or anything else, or any other religion. | ||
| Human beings want a better life for their children. | ||
| Human beings would choose to have representative government over a dictatorship like Hosni Mubarak or a dictatorship like the royal family essentially is in Saudi Arabia. | ||
| Don't tell me any human being wants to live that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And I find it very inspiring that one man in Tunisia lit himself on fire. | ||
| You want to talk about a ripple effect? | ||
| Lit himself on fire because they took away his license. | ||
| I believe he was selling fruit. | ||
| And he said, enough is enough. | ||
| He was so desperate. | ||
| And he said, I'm going to make an example. | ||
| This is my protest. | ||
| You want to take everything from me? | ||
| I'll light myself on fire. | ||
| I don't think that's a good move. | ||
| But that was a spark that said, we don't have to be afraid anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Literally? | |
| We don't have to cringe. | ||
| And saying that in these governments, like Egypt and both places where the military and secret police come in and do some pretty awful things to you, that takes real guts. | ||
| So I think this is an incredible time in the sense that the Middle East is changing. | ||
| It really is changing. | ||
| And it really is the internet nation, right? | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| You can't keep information away from people. | ||
| You can fool the people sometimes. | ||
| You can fool all the people sometimes. | ||
| You can fool some of the people all the time. | ||
| You can't fool all the people all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except North Korea, maybe. | |
| And who said that? | ||
| I believe that was Abe Lincoln, right? | ||
| Did he say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who knows what the fuck Abe really said. | ||
| You know how Abe Lincoln was a racist? | ||
| He was trying to encourage black people to move to South America because they wouldn't get along with white people. | ||
| It's actually more complicated than that, but I think he was also a guy who says... | ||
| It's more complicated than that. | ||
| Of course he is. | ||
| He slept with dudes, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He slept with dudes. | ||
| They slept in bed together. | ||
| Stay warm. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| You've got to do what you've got to do, man. | ||
| You live in a fucking prairie. | ||
| If a wrestling match breaks out, somebody's cock flies out of a Speedo, then you're going to call me gay? | ||
| Wasn't Abe Lincoln a wrestler? | ||
| He was very strong. | ||
| He was about 6'4", and he was very, very strong. | ||
| They said he used to be able to hold an axe, like one of those big wood chopping axes, out for longer than anybody else with his arms straight like that. | ||
| He was a real wiry, strong dude. | ||
| A somber guy. | ||
| Hold an axe straight with his arm. | ||
| What a weird competition that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, back in the day, they did all those weird things, right? | |
| Like, you know. | ||
| Let's see, hold the hindquarters of a mule up above your head, you know. | ||
| Yeah, there had to be a first guy back then to try to wrestle a bear, too. | ||
| I always think about that stuff. | ||
| Who rode a bull? | ||
| Who said, hey, you know what? | ||
| Throw a testicle cinch on that bull. | ||
| I'm going to get up on him and see how long I can stay. | ||
| What country does that originate in? | ||
| Is that an American tradition? | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| Well, it probably started in Spain. | ||
| They were like, not going to ride it. | ||
| I'm just going to kill it with a sword. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what bothers me about that, though, man? | ||
| There's a bunch of other dudes helping out. | ||
| Well, because the Madeira Bull, I think it's called the Madeira Bull. | ||
| Hemingway wrote a book called Death in the Afternoon, and he brings you through what a fighting bull's about. | ||
| You're not allowed in Spain, and some of you guys are listening to this, just check this out. | ||
| You're not allowed in Spain to approach a fighting bull on foot. | ||
| You must approach it on a bicycle, motorcycle, or car. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because bulls figure out the way you move. | ||
| And if they watch you walking around all the time and running around, when you put them in the ring with the matador, that matador doesn't have a chance because they figured you out. | ||
| The first time a bull ever sees a human being on two feet by law in Spain is when he's put out there in front of that matador. | ||
| And by the way, by the way. | ||
| They gotta rub his eyes with pepper to keep him a little bit blind. | ||
| The Picadillos come in there and stab him in the back so he can't lift his head. | ||
| So he's got these spears and it's pretty brutal. | ||
| They gotta disable that bull before a human being has any shot. | ||
| Any shot at fighting it. | ||
| Any shot. | ||
| And they still die. | ||
| They still die. | ||
| When they say when you're a matador in Spain, that's where you are. | ||
| Forget girls, forget music, forget everything else. | ||
| Your life is about the bull. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Is there a lot of money in being a matador? | ||
| There's huge glory and money, and you're a national hero if you're good. | ||
| And by the way, it's probably like the UFC. You start with guys who are fighting with blunt horns all the way up to the big show. | ||
| But you know when they used to pit bulls with bears? | ||
| Yes, you used to always win. | ||
| Oh, I would say the bull. | ||
| Yeah, I would say every time. | ||
| They're so strong, man. | ||
| You ever touched one? | ||
| You ever been on one or anything? | ||
| Have you ridden a bull? | ||
| No, but I've touched them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been to Saddle Ranch. | |
| Same thing, sort of. | ||
| Totally the same thing. | ||
| When we were doing Fear Factory, we made people ride bulls one day. | ||
| It was the scariest it's ever been. | ||
| Any day of filming, this is one day where I felt like we crossed the line. | ||
| I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| Bulls are dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're bulls. | ||
| This was their argument. | ||
| These are training bulls. | ||
| They're not as aggressive. | ||
| I'm like, does that bull know he's a fucking training bull? | ||
| I didn't know you were a bull mind reader. | ||
| Where's the bull whisperer? | ||
| Is he around? | ||
| I love when people think they know what an animal is. | ||
| I love when they're like, nah, he's drained. | ||
| This tiger won't bite you. | ||
| Well, you were talking about it to me in the kitchen. | ||
| We were talking about that trained bear that tore the... | ||
| I think it was his trainer's brother or cousin or something. | ||
| It was his cousin. | ||
| And it killed him in a couple of seconds. | ||
| Yeah, it was horrible. | ||
| Which is so weird because that's a 1,500-pound bear. | ||
| Grabbed ahold of him and shook him. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| And it shook him lazy in a lazy way. | ||
| And the poor guy... | ||
| I thought it was pretty aggressive. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, obviously. | ||
| The guy must have... | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| I don't know what it represented to the bear, but it represented some sort of a threat. | ||
| Well, apparently, though, he was doing what he was supposed to do, and I guess the guy didn't have his arms up or something, and the bear ended up grabbing onto his neck, and his instinct took over, and he said, oh, I'm going to shake you to death, which is terrible. | ||
| You're supposed to have your arms up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The bear's got a stick-em-up pose? | ||
| My bear wrestling, I'm a white belt still. | ||
| So what do you think the fuck is going on with all these mass deaths? | ||
| There's a million fish die in the Redondo Beach Harbor, all these animals that have died, birds that have fallen from the sky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's Banksy. | |
| I don't know, but I would imagine we have a very polluted environment and probably is a combination of all those chemicals in the environment. | ||
| And chemicals are being made. | ||
| We're very good at coming up with synthetic material and synthetic chemicals. | ||
| And what we're probably not as good at, and what the FDA could never do, is figure out how all these chemicals, when put together, interact, or what they do to mitoplasma, and I like to use some big words, but what they do to our bodies. | ||
| When we drink them, when we're around them all the time, look at your house. | ||
| All these new products that come out that have huge advertising campaigns, they're probably very safe on their own. | ||
| What happens when you mix six of them in the perfect combination? | ||
| What is that doing to your genetics? | ||
| What's Wi-Fi doing to you? | ||
| Who knows what the fuck that's doing to you? | ||
| We know that sonar gets in the way of whales migratory patterns. | ||
| So, it's always this constant dance of how... | ||
| You know, in China now, what they're doing, I think it's really interesting, is a lot of the architects, when they plan these cities, they're building gardens on the roofs so you can plant food and grow your own food on the roof of your building. | ||
| You know, China's self-sustainable. | ||
| There's a billion people there. | ||
| They don't import food. | ||
| They make their own food. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Which is, again, a very recent development for China. | ||
| It's pretty amazing to do that with a billion people. | ||
| But when you do that, you've got to eat bugs. | ||
| Well, we're getting better and better at figuring out ways to grow plants, for example, that don't need pesticides, that are much higher in protein and different nutrients. | ||
| Sure, but then you're getting weird because things are genetically modified. | ||
| There's a dark side. | ||
| Monsanto is scary as fuck. | ||
| It's a thing when you say it's fine if you want to cross-pollinate two wheat strains, but when you take the gene from a jellyfish, put it in a strawberry so that my strawberry doesn't freeze when I'm shipping it across the country... | ||
| That's a little weird, man. | ||
| Or when all of a sudden my oranges are square because it's easier to pack them. | ||
| Well, have you seen all the WikiLeaks documents leading to genetically modified foods? | ||
| They're trying to push it all across the world. | ||
| They're trying to push it in the countries, and they're imposing sanctions on countries. | ||
| Well, what they do also, if you plant one field over here that's genetically modified… Cross-pollinants. | ||
| It flies in the air. | ||
| Yeah, and then they sue those people and those people have to either close up their farm or it becomes a fucking disaster. | ||
| I think, I think, you know, I'm a capitalist and all that, but I think that we are paying, we have to be very careful with how everything is becoming these conglomerates and how things are becoming so corporate. | ||
| Look at radio. | ||
| Every time I travel this country, you and I both travel this country, everything is so homogenous. | ||
| We've paid a price. | ||
| People want efficiency, but why in the world, when I go to most cities, can I only eat at a corporate chain? | ||
| How about radio? | ||
| I'm surrounded by, I was going to say, Clear Channel. | ||
| I'm surrounded by beige walls, whether it's Kmart. | ||
| There's no continuum. | ||
| There's no history. | ||
| Nobody feels connected to anything. | ||
| Everybody's trying to sell me something I don't need. | ||
| And it robs every city of its character. | ||
| It's like the death of the American city. | ||
| What happened to Main Street with the mom and pop shops? | ||
| I want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to Ohio, it's still there. | |
| But these cities used to all have it. | ||
| You have to go to small places to get that. | ||
| When you're dealing with a large volume of people, small places like that become impractical. | ||
| It's an offshoot of globalism. | ||
| And the price we had to pay will probably swing back. | ||
| But we pay a price for efficiency and speed. | ||
| What do you think about all these people that believe that, you know, and if you read almost every ancient religion has some story of a great apocalypse or a great catastrophe and almost every religion has some story about a previous existing society that was advanced and that was almost wiped off to face the earth. | ||
| You know, when you hear shit about all these animals dying and fish dying, this sounds like religious scripture. | ||
| How fucking crazy would it be if we all really have been all through this before? | ||
| If human beings have literally gotten to the point of where we are now, like this sophisticated... | ||
| If we died off today, how much of this shit would be around in 10,000 years or so? | ||
| How much would we be able to find and recognize anything that isn't steel? | ||
| I think it's a great... | ||
| I think it's a great question. | ||
| I do think that the answer may lie somewhere in the area if I were to answer that question. | ||
| One, I don't know. | ||
| But I think that human beings are still faced with the same problems as human beings. | ||
| So whether or not... | ||
| I was living 3,000 years ago. | ||
| The big questions... | ||
| That one has to answer the question of, what am I doing here? | ||
| Who am I really? | ||
| What am I supposed to do? | ||
| What does this all mean? | ||
| Those are questions you can never run from. | ||
| And so, within that context, I think we'd still be trying to answer those questions. | ||
| We'd still be trying to go beyond our biology. | ||
| We'd still be trying to get more pleasure out of it than pain. | ||
| We'd still be trying to figure out how to keep our children alive with better food, better health care. | ||
| But we'd be competing with resources and we'd still have wars. | ||
| So I think in a way it makes sense that we'd keep repeating ourselves. | ||
| This is the human experience. | ||
| But what I'm saying is, do you think that it's ever gotten to this point before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| When you look at some of the structures that exist that are unexplained, that are many, many thousands of years old, especially with the pyramids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go, I mean, you know, unexplained in the fact that they're not exactly sure how they put that all together. | ||
| There's a lot of theories, and there's also old dynasty and new dynasty, and there's old kingdom and new kingdom. | ||
| There's a lot of structures that they believe are far, far older than the traditionally thought, like the Pyramid of Giza or the Great Pyramid of any... | ||
| You know, human beings from animals, as far as I know, is that we have imagination and that we seem to be always moving toward the limits of our imagination. | ||
| Right, but what freaks me out is there's a bunch of shit that they can't figure out how it all got done. | ||
| And one of them is dogs. | ||
| You know, dogs are a great mystery. | ||
| You know, when you look into the DNA of dogs, it turns out that all of them descend from wolves. | ||
| They thought it was going to be a bunch of different wild canids and, you know, different... | ||
| And they're all from fucking wolves. | ||
| Essentially domesticated wolves. | ||
| And we don't know how the fuck that was done thousands and thousands of years ago. | ||
| We do know that people have always bred their animals, whether they're horses or whatever, even farm animals to eat. | ||
| But it's so long ago, it goes back so far, that it literally predates society. | ||
| And that's why it's squirrely. | ||
| Because you're talking about 10,000, 15,000, maybe even deeper and deeper into the history of breeding dogs. | ||
| Yeah, and I think the answer maybe also is the fact that this world is much older than our experience. | ||
| We are probably much older. | ||
| Human beings are probably much older. | ||
| Recorded history is one thing, but real human history is another. | ||
| And you also wonder, evolution, I always think about that. | ||
| What's interesting to me is, if indeed there's a lot of science, well, we evolved from apes, chimps, or whatever it might be, people say, well, we kind of seem to have stopped evolving physically then, if that's the case, didn't we? | ||
| No, we moved in a different direction. | ||
| Look, the doubling of the human brain size is the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record, and that's what changed us from this beetle-eating fucking freak monkey to human beings. | ||
| And whatever the fuck caused it, who knows? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I wonder why. | ||
| McKenna believes it was mushrooms. | ||
| Some people believe it was the throwing arm. | ||
| Some people believe it was fish that we started eating. | ||
| But that doesn't make sense to me because bears are stupid as fuck and they eat a lot of fish. | ||
| But it goes beyond that. | ||
| I'm saying why chimps have always been chimps. | ||
| Human beings have continued to evolve just at least an hour in time in that we do really amazing things. | ||
| You know, I joke around about people being from monkeys and chimps, but the real lineage is there's a bunch of different primates that evolved next to each other. | ||
| For some reason, we evolved in a far more sophisticated way than all the rest of them. | ||
| In the sense that we're always trying to go beyond that which we can measure, and we're always contemplating how would you ever measure, for example, the fact that a great... | ||
| I don't know, Mozart or Bach Sonata makes some people feel profoundly sad and overjoyed at the same time. | ||
| Why do we even have that stuff? | ||
| Yeah, it sounds good to our ears, but think about the genius of great jazz like Louis Armstrong. | ||
| I hate jazz. | ||
| You don't like jazz? | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| I'm using it as an art form. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Why in the world would we come up with these brass horns and planes? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| All those things that are sort of what we stay alive for. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It's like, what are we supposed to be doing with that? | ||
| What are we supposed to be doing with the fact that most religions, all religions talk about, well, love each other. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| Love each other. | ||
| And then, by the way, what do you do with that relationship? | ||
| Well, you try to make the world better. | ||
| What do you do when you come together as social animals? | ||
| Why? | ||
| And what is the point of that? | ||
| That's the big question that we're always dealing with. | ||
| It seems that there's no point. | ||
| It seems that the point is to enjoy it and to be nice to people. | ||
| That seems to be the point. | ||
| The idea, if you're temporary, you're a temporary being, and all your descendants are temporary beings, we just keep evolving in a tide of ever-changing temporary beings, then the only point is just to be nice. | ||
| But then why? | ||
| But then we just be, then I guess... | ||
| Be nice, have fun, ride it out, let's see what's next. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Create a group of people that were affected by you in a positive way. | |
| Do you think there's anything to be said, though, about going beyond that in the sense that are we supposed to evolve and continue to understand more and more until we become one with something? | ||
| Our lives are so short. | ||
| It's the same thing we talked about before. | ||
| But the human experience, what I'm saying is we keep jumping on each other's shoulders, right? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| So even Newton said that. | ||
| He said, I stood on the shoulder of giants. | ||
| You guys all talk about me being, I invented calculus. | ||
| Not bad, Isaac. | ||
| Who said, by the way, his biggest accomplishment was lifelong celibacy, not calculus. | ||
| He was like, my biggest accomplishment wasn't that I invented the concept of gravity and spatial relationships. | ||
| It's that I was celibate my whole life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, he's retarded. | |
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, really? | ||
| Yeah, if one chick sucked his dick, it would have ruined everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| You have to be someone like that. | ||
| The father of modern physics, you know, modern science. | ||
| That's why I hate math so much. | ||
| We all stand on each other's shoulders. | ||
| It seems that we are evolving in our understanding of more and more of how even animals think. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, we're certainly evolving. | ||
| So there must be a point to this evolution, I hope. | ||
| Well, I always have said that I think that we're probably becoming something through technology and that human beings are probably just like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly but just doesn't know what it's doing while it's doing it. | ||
| All our natural instincts towards materialism and greed and selfishness and, you know, all these monkey instincts that we have left over, perhaps working in a natural order to move us towards this ultimate goal of some sort of technological invention. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's what Kurzweil believes. | ||
| He believes that, you know, it's going to be some sort of an artificial technology, an artificial intelligence that we can download our consciousness into, and that you will exist forever in perpetrude in this, you know, artificial environment. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| I mean, it's the matrix. | ||
| I mean, you're talking craziness. | ||
| Not only that, you're talking about if you can duplicate your consciousness, you can duplicate it in an infinite amount of times. | ||
| And it will exist not here in this physical space, but it will exist in some sort of cyber world where you will constantly be in like a replaying life in an infinite number of them. | ||
| And not only that, we will ultimately and truly be connected. | ||
| And our experience will be everybody else's experience simultaneously. | ||
| We are now. | ||
| It's in a weird way. | ||
| And I think the reason why it's set up in a weird way is to encourage competition. | ||
| You know, the thing that bugs people the most, the thing that is losing, you know, the thing that is losing anything, losing a person, losing, you know, losing your job, losing, losing, losing in a fight, losing in a game. | ||
| It's frustrating for us. | ||
| We're designed for competition. | ||
| Some people so much so that you beat them at pool and they get mad at you. | ||
| You know, have you ever been around that guy? | ||
| You know, you beat him at pool? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I have. | |
| I like to ask the next question, though. | ||
| Defining that really, actually, I think, in some ways, isn't just losing your power. | ||
| In a way, losing is to be left alone. | ||
| In a way, the loser is to be the one. | ||
| You're not special. | ||
| It's another form of losing. | ||
| And people leave you. | ||
| They leave you. | ||
| And so I think that's ultimately why people hate losing so much. | ||
| It's that memory of feeling alone. | ||
| It's that, but there's also a strong desire for competition amongst most people. | ||
| How many comics do you know that when they see someone else get something big, they actually get upset that it's not happening to them? | ||
| You're the only successful comic I've ever heard comics not talk bad about. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| People have talked bad about me. | ||
| Lots of people have. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Not comics. | ||
| Go talk to Marc Maron. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't hear comics say bad things about you. | ||
| The point I'm making is that You're right. | ||
| For the most part, I'm saying that you're right. | ||
| When somebody actually does well, if it's a comic, they get blasted by a lot of people. | ||
| Sometimes deserved, sometimes deserved. | ||
| Especially when you're young and scrappy and you're all coming up in the same order. | ||
| You're all 22, 23. And one of these 22-year-old guys gets some radio show where he's the morning DJ guy. | ||
| Like, oh, fuck! | ||
| He's a morning DJ guy at KTLA now or whatever. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then all of a sudden, dudes feel like that could have been them. | ||
| What they have to understand also, by the way, is that this is not a linear process. | ||
| This world is made of a whole bunch of non-linear luck and mathematics and Well, you say that because you're a very experienced guy and you've gone through so many things and so many different projects. | ||
| I mean, you've gone through the tour de force of television. | ||
| You did a sketch show in MADtv. | ||
| You've done family shows on those Warner Brothers networks, right? | ||
| Yeah, I've done everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been pretty cool, yeah. | |
| You've done fucking everything. | ||
| You did Sex and the City. | ||
| You've done so many different things. | ||
| You've... | ||
| I really had a broad view of the whole entertainment scene that a lot of people just don't get. | ||
| They don't get that full thing. | ||
| So when you're young, especially, all you know is, I want to fucking make it. | ||
| I've got to make it. | ||
| I've got to pay my bills. | ||
| You're fucking freaking out. | ||
| Shit, he got it? | ||
| Fuck, why didn't he get it? | ||
| I remember that, by the way. | ||
| I remember being terrified I wasn't going to make it. | ||
| I remember thinking, that's not an option for me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it wasn't an option not to be working. | ||
| Well, all of us. | ||
| I think anybody who actually became a comic, you had to deal with the fact that, man, if I put my eggs in this basket, this shit might turn out terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I might just live in rotten eggs and nothing. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's terrifying. | |
| It's completely terrifying. | ||
| But my point is that, like, you know, like, in show business, like, the whole idea of, like, pursuing it and, like, going after it, it is absolutely, of course, uncertain. | ||
| Like, it has to be uncertain. | ||
| It's uncertain because that's the only way we're, like, real creative... | ||
| It's where adventure and creativity comes from. | ||
| It blossoms out of that uncertainty. | ||
| If you knew it was going to happen and you had it all plotted out, it would be boring as fuck when you got that. | ||
| It's boring for you and it's boring for them. | ||
| You'd have to do drugs. | ||
| You'd have to start doing coke. | ||
| I think that's why people, when they take a gig for the money, for example, they go, well, you're going to give me $7 million to do a talk show, a game show. | ||
| You pay a price for that, man. | ||
| You've got to keep the uncertainty. | ||
| Dude, I paid a price for Fear Factor, for sure. | ||
| I loved doing that show, and it was a lot of fun, and I loved making all that money, and I'm happy I did it. | ||
| But man, there was a lot of days that I didn't want to do that, and I thought, this is hokey, or this is silly, or this is like, God, this is like, it became a job. | ||
| Which is nothing wrong with that. | ||
| It's a respectable way to make a living. | ||
| That's why I always say, don't make fun of whores. | ||
| We're all whores in some ways. | ||
| We've all whored before, is what I'm saying. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But my whole point about the whole competition thing, I think that it's all set up that way on purpose. | ||
| And that showbiz competition, and stand-up comedy competition, even martial arts competition. | ||
| These guys, when they start trash-talking each other on the internet, you know how I look at it when I look at two fighters who are about to trash-talk each other? | ||
| I look at it like birds that are squawking at each other. | ||
| Like one bird is on the fence. | ||
| And then the other bird, like, fucking flops its wings and gets close to it. | ||
| It's like this natural thing that they're doing. | ||
| Like, they have to do this in order to motivate them to be great. | ||
| In order to push them all to the next level. | ||
| You have to feel the jealousy. | ||
| Well, wasn't it Floyd Patterson who said, you know, I always wondered who Ali was talking to. | ||
| And he said, I'm the greatest. | ||
| And then I realized one day he was talking to himself. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He said to me, you know, I'm scared to death every time I step in that ring. | ||
| But I get myself worked up. | ||
| And by the time I'm in there, I believe what I'm saying to myself. | ||
| It's the saddest thing in the world that Muhammad Ali is the way he is now. | ||
| It's the greatest. | ||
| And that, you know, it's Parkinson's. | ||
| And he has trauma-related Parkinson's. | ||
| What's amazing also is that he doesn't hide it from the world. | ||
| The guy holds the torch at the Olympics. | ||
| He just gets up in front of everybody. | ||
| Here's me, you know? | ||
| It's weird listening to Mike Tyson talk these days. | ||
| Have you heard Mike Tyson talk? | ||
| I haven't noticed that. | ||
| He's got a reality show now. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't noticed that. | ||
| He got interviewed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his reality show on? | |
| On Pigeons. | ||
| But he got interviewed at this, there was a Showtime boxing match recently. | ||
| No, yeah, the pay-per-view match between Miguel Cotto and Cotto Mayorga, and it was a good fight. | ||
| And they interviewed Tyson. | ||
| Cotto did. | ||
| He stopped him in the last round. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they talked to Tyson about it. | ||
| And Tyson, like, you know, it was like he was laboring to talk. | ||
| You know, and I was listening to him. | ||
| I was like, wow, maybe he's just tired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Might have been high. | |
| Yeah, he might have been high as fuck. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Because if they catch me, I might look like a brain damage. | ||
| Especially if I'm at a fight, you know, and I don't have to do commentary. | ||
| God, I love going to fights when I don't have to do commentary. | ||
| Because these guys, whenever we go to the UFC, Brian and Ari and Joey, these guys take pot cookies and get bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blitzkrieg! | |
| Last time I did acid. | ||
| So they're sitting up in the stands having the fucking time of their life. | ||
| Joey Diaz does the commentary, right? | ||
| Joey Diaz is like in the middle of fights. | ||
| He'll start just rants and raves about this happening and that happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't get your pineapples, BJ Penn! | |
| Especially if somebody gets knocked out or somebody gets submitted. | ||
| What the fuck did I tell you, dog? | ||
| He'll get up and go... | ||
| But I don't get to see that anymore. | ||
| I do, you know, from the commentary point. | ||
| When did you... | ||
| You know, when did you... | ||
| Really, truly feel comfortable calling a fight in the UFC. When did it really start to gel? | ||
| Because it just comes out of you now. | ||
| You know, the first couple times I was self-conscious about it. | ||
| You know, it's weird. | ||
| You're trying to do a good job, but you don't want to be. | ||
| There's a lot of ego involved in commentary that's very unpleasant. | ||
| Like, you hear people talking too much about themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you take yourself completely out of it. | ||
| What they would do... | ||
| Well, I have to, first of all. | ||
| I'm completely illegitimate. | ||
| I mean, I'm a brown belt in jiu-jitsu, and I fought in some taekwondo and some kickboxing, but I've never fought any MMA fights at all. | ||
| So what am I going to say? | ||
| I could do better than this. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's silly. | ||
| I'm completely objective about it, but it took a while for me to be comfortable with, like, how I should... | ||
| You know, what I should talk about and what I shouldn't talk about and when to talk and when not to talk and, you know, how to, like... | ||
| Be as respectful as possible, but yet be as objective and analytical as possible about what's happening. | ||
| You have to walk a fine line between critiquing fighters and criticizing them or obsessing patterns that you see in movement and critiquing behavior and training regiments and shit like that. | ||
| So it's tricky. | ||
| It's tricky, but I always do it from a place of respect, and I always do it from a place of as objective as I'm capable. | ||
| Yeah, you're very good at doing that. | ||
| It's fun to do. | ||
| I think Goldie is a poet. | ||
| That dude is just amazing. | ||
| Well, what a lot of people don't know is they'll say, Goldie, fill. | ||
| You've got to fill here. | ||
| You've got to fill here. | ||
| They say that through our headsets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So Goldie will start just going off about this fucking arena that we're in that was built in 18-fucking-12, and he's like, It's like he wrote those lines out and they're just perfect. | ||
| Sometimes he doesn't say the correct thing when it comes to technique or something like that, but that's okay because I can correct him and he's just trying to get things going. | ||
| Some people just have... | ||
| You know who he's... | ||
| By the way, I don't know if you've ever seen... | ||
| You know who's the best improviser I've ever seen in my life? | ||
| And a guy who can take a topic and do 30 minutes of stand-up on it and do whatever he is? | ||
| Adam Carolla. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Adam Carolla can ramble, bro. | ||
| That's why he's so good as a podcast host. | ||
| That guy, you give him a subject. | ||
| Here's the thing, okay? | ||
| I'm all for you having your coffee. | ||
| And he'll just have some fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just goes off. | |
| 20-minute rant about what's wrong with, like, you know, he did something about twist ties, about twist ties, like, you know, what was, like, twist ties, like, how strong are these things, and they should be, like, should cover up the soldiers in Iraq with twist ties. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| He just, he's amazing at coming up with just, like, free form and, like, entire jokes. | ||
| I said to him, he got off, I go, I go, we did a movie together, and I go, we were on set, and I go, um... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I said, I've decided you might be the best in the world at what you do. | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| I said, I think you're the best improviser and the best guy I've ever seen at improv, the way you do your improv. | ||
| I think you're the best in the world. | ||
| He goes, oh, I don't know. | ||
| I go, somebody's got to be the best. | ||
| So you're getting the trophy. | ||
| I'm good to go. | ||
| So he goes like this. | ||
| He goes, so apparently has his podcast next day. | ||
| He goes, you know, I know I like that guy Brian Callen. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He told me I might be the best improviser in the world. | ||
| And I thought, you know, why not? | ||
| So I got home and I looked at my wife and I was like, hey, how come I don't smell any pot roast? | ||
| Why is my dick in your mouth, for Christ's sake? | ||
| I'm the best guy in the world at improv. | ||
| He's like, recognize, honey. | ||
| Brian Callen said it, so it's true. | ||
| Yeah, he's a guy who's really found success with this whole podcast format. | ||
| He's also a great guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's an interesting dude. | ||
| He's really into cars, man. | ||
| He's got the dopest garage, man. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Very good boxer. | ||
| Did you ever box with him? | ||
| No, but I've heard of guys who fight. | ||
| He's actually a ringer. | ||
| He'll get in a ring. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was real fun. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| He's good at everything. | ||
| He's a great carpenter. | ||
| He fucking remodels his house and shit. | ||
| Builds additions on his own. | ||
| He's a real American. | ||
| He is a real American. | ||
| Alec Baldwin, Brett Favre before he went crazy, and this guy might be my favorite. | ||
| Adam Carolla has the dopest garage, man. | ||
| He's got one of those garages. | ||
| Yeah, but mine was built for a TV show. | ||
| You gotta pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pee. | |
| But Adam Carolla's garage, he's got a fucking Ferrari there, a classic BMW M3. He's got a Mustang back there. | ||
| He's got a Lamborghini back there, I think. | ||
| He's got a classic Lamborghini. | ||
| He's just really fucking into machines and cars and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on with Kevin Smith? | |
| What's this talk on Twitter? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He said he wanted to get together and do a podcast. | ||
| And he said we should smoke pot and talk about news radio. | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| So I messaged him. | ||
| But when you get... | ||
| And here's the thing with people saying, how come you never messaged me back? | ||
| Why don't you never message me back? | ||
| I'm not on Twitter all day. | ||
| I try to go on and post things when I have time. | ||
| But a lot of times I'm fucking busy. | ||
| And when you have... | ||
| I think now I'm up to 283,000. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| Just because you don't have that many. | ||
| 283,982. | ||
| So almost 284,000. | ||
| There's no way I can keep up with the replies. | ||
| If you don't look at it for an hour, there's 1,700 replies. | ||
| And so what do you do? | ||
| Do you read them all? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I don't have the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's impossible. | |
| Well, just give me some of those people. | ||
| Listen, bitch. | ||
| You've got to earn them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be cool if you could just give them that. | |
| Listen, the shit my dad says, he doesn't have a podcast. | ||
| How does that guy get so famous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wouldn't it be cool, though, if you could give them, like, I'll give you 50,000 people on Twitter. | |
| Yeah, and then all of a sudden they'd be getting your goofy-ass tweets going, what the fuck, man? | ||
| I hate cats. | ||
| What's wrong with this guy? | ||
| Dude, this new iPad, by the way, fucking awesome. | ||
| I think you'll use it more. | ||
| Why would I use it more? | ||
| Because it has a camera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The camera shit is so badass. | |
| Just fucking sitting there doing FaceTimes and shit like that. | ||
| He is a 13-year-old girl. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's a little girl. | ||
| I don't want people looking at my face. | ||
| We could transplant your brain into a 13-year-old lesbian's body so easily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hot. | |
| The camera is badass. | ||
| You're loving it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm loving it. | |
| The other one was good, but the no camera thing just really made me never want to use it that much. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because that was a big part. | |
| It didn't bother me at all, man. | ||
| I only use it for watching things. | ||
| When I was getting tattooed, I used it to watch TV shows, and I used it for reading books. | ||
| I don't use it for anything else. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| iPad? | ||
| Yeah, I don't have one. | ||
| I was going to get the Airbook because I travel, but do I need an iPad? | ||
| Nah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's an airplane? | |
| You don't need one. | ||
| That's a little MacBook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little tiny one. | |
| Because I travel, I say it light. | ||
| What are you, a pussy, bro? | ||
| I get a 17-incher and I carry that shit over my shoulder. | ||
| I don't even bother putting the backpack on, dude. | ||
| I do squats. | ||
| I do kettlebells on a regular sun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stuff. | |
| Step. | ||
| I remember one time you said to a bus full of fighters. | ||
| Back in the UFC, literally when Randy Couture fought Vitor Belfort. | ||
| It was like back in those days. | ||
| We were in Tennessee or Baton Rouge or something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I remember walking to the venue. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Like how ghetto it was back in the day. | ||
| And Randy, we were actually, anyway, but you go, they were talking about training techniques and you were like, I like to get into horse dance and put my balls inside my body and read Nietzsche. | ||
| And I think Emmanuel Stewart was there. | ||
| Everybody's like, all these fighters, no sense of humor, they all look at you like this. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is he saying? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Because you weren't really that famous yet. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I like to get in the horse dance, push my balls in my body, and read Nietzsche. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| Everybody's like, is he fucking serious? | ||
| Because you were kind of squatting. | ||
| They didn't laugh at me at all. | ||
| I got into the squat position, too. | ||
| I got into that horse dance. | ||
| I was fucking dying. | ||
| Yeah, there was no room for humor in those early UFCs. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| That was just hardcore shit. | ||
| And I was also the post-fight interviewer. | ||
| I wasn't a commentator, so no one got to see my sense of humor at all. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I remember when we were with Tank, and we were all those guys, and you were just like, be careful. | ||
| Don't be a jackass around Tank. | ||
| I don't know what he might do to you. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Tank will implode your skull. | ||
| Just beat you up. | ||
| Yeah, just beat your ass. | ||
| Because, you know, you're like, you know, Brian, don't be like, hey, Tank, let me tweak your nose. | ||
| Bad moves. | ||
| Tank will put you to sleep. | ||
| I remember what he was doing. | ||
| He'll put you to sleep, go to jail like normal. | ||
| He'll kill you. | ||
| He'll kill you. | ||
| He might. | ||
| It'll definitely change the way you look at the world. | ||
| I remember shaking his hand, and I've never felt a hand that strong. | ||
| He was just a brick. | ||
| And how about thinking about dudes? | ||
| We were talking about how badass mayhem is. | ||
| You were fucking around with mayhem. | ||
| And I said, well, I want to show you a video of Husam R. Paul Harris emitting mayhem. | ||
| Just think that someone can do that to a guy as good as mayhem. | ||
| As good and as strong as mayhem is. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And you see a guy, there's just... | ||
| Levels upon levels upon levels. | ||
| I'm a baboon. | ||
| That guy's a silverback. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm a Saluki. | ||
| Imagine the first dude that fucking stumbled across gorillas. | ||
| Because that did happen, by the way. | ||
| As far as Western humans, as far as white people. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Gorillas were a myth until the 1800s, right? | ||
| In Indonesia, a guy woke a male orangutan up. | ||
| Woke him up. | ||
| And the thing flipped out and grabbed him by the hair. | ||
| He got kind of long hair, thick in the knees. | ||
| Grabbed him by the hair and just... | ||
| And scalped him. | ||
| They took... | ||
| He just ripped the base and scalped him like... | ||
| He freaked out like... | ||
| Pulled his hair off and then ran off into the trees. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he had no scalp. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So what'd they do? | ||
| They have to like skin graft his ass onto his head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucked. | |
| You're fucked. | ||
| In Indonesia? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not sure. | |
| You'd probably just die of staph infection. | ||
| Back in the day, it was like, you know, I think in... | ||
| The crazy thing is gorillas are the biggest, but they don't even eat meat. | ||
| They're all vegetarian. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's called genetics, my friend. | ||
| I know, but it's strange. | ||
| If you ever watch them, go to the San Diego Zoo and watch those gorillas. | ||
| You can stand right next to them because it's plexiglass. | ||
| Watch them wrestle. | ||
| All they do when they're little is wrestle. | ||
| All they do is roll around and they have arm drags, duck-unders. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Headlocks, guillotines. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| They put you in their guard. | ||
| I swear. | ||
| So I'm telling you that the man who invented Jiu-Jitsu was Hylion Gracie? | ||
| Hylion. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| I mean, there was the Japanese invented it first. | ||
| I wouldn't be surprised. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But he, you know, after he- Refined it. | ||
| Hylion Carlos. | ||
| I wouldn't be surprised if one day they were watching gorillas roll. | ||
| Watch them play. | ||
| They are the perfect wrestlers. | ||
| They're so efficient for wrestling. | ||
| They're so efficient. | ||
| It's just so weird that they're so big and that they eat plants. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because a silverback is not six feet tall, maybe six feet tall, and weighs 600 pounds. | ||
| Fat-free, ladies and gentlemen! | ||
| No fat on his body! | ||
| Giant, fucking, monstrous arms. | ||
| But what is all that for? | ||
| Is it all just to keep things from fucking with it? | ||
| It must be. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Because they don't kill anybody. | ||
| They don't really swing through trees. | ||
| And they're not really aggressive. | ||
| They have little dicks. | ||
| Yeah, and they have little dicks. | ||
| I have a bigger dick than a 600-pound gorilla. | ||
| Shazam, son. | ||
| Shazam. | ||
| But think about that, though. | ||
| 600 pounds. | ||
| That's a lot of weight. | ||
| And then there's the polar bear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which would eat a gorilla? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| Do you think a polar bear could eat a gorilla? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do I think so? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Have they ever done that? | ||
| Aren't they 15 to 16 to 1700 pounds? | ||
| Is that what a polar bear is? | ||
| Polar bears are pretty goddamn big. | ||
| Yeah, they stand 10 feet or higher. | ||
| They're bigger than a basketball. | ||
| Go to a basketball hoop. | ||
| Try to touch the rim. | ||
| And they're bigger than that when they stand on their hind legs. | ||
| Yeah, they take down things like elk with their mouths. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see them eat pilot whales through the ice? | ||
| I have no doubt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do polar bears have big penises? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| But they'll kick the shit out of a gorilla. | ||
| Solid question, Brian. | ||
| Solid question. | ||
| Good question, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Hold that question for a second. | ||
| We'll put that on the wall. | ||
| Yeah, polar bears are scary as fuck if you're in Alaska. | ||
| If you see one, you better run, bitch, because they'll eat you. | ||
| Biggest land carnivore. | ||
| It actively targets human beings on a regular basis. | ||
| And yes, they will eat a human being. | ||
| They will make a beeline for you. | ||
| There's a terrifying story that I read once about these guys that were in a boat, and the boat hit an iceberg. | ||
| And the boat started to sink, so they sent out a distress signal, and they climbed off the boat onto an ice shelf. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| You heard the story? | ||
| Yeah, I know all about it. | ||
| There's a few researchers. | ||
| I forget the number, but there was more than three. | ||
| It's a terrible story. | ||
| And this polar bear saw them and kept diving off one ice sculpture to the next, getting closer and closer, sizing them up, until finally he was on the one ice sculpture. | ||
| And they were jumping around. | ||
| Yeah, they were screaming and yelling. | ||
| The polar bear didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He was like, hmm. | ||
| Make yourself hard to swallow. | ||
| I'm going to eat some of you bitches. | ||
| And he came over and he was on the ice... | ||
| Ice sculpture, the ice island right next to them, jumped in the water, got on their side, walked calmly up to the first guy he could get a hold of. | ||
| They scrambled. | ||
| Everybody stumbled over each other trying to get out of the way. | ||
| Grabs a guy, kills him right there instantly. | ||
| Grabs his limp body, jumps off the ice island into the water, swims over to the other one, and just starts eating him right in front of them. | ||
| And so he ate that one guy, and then help came. | ||
| And help came when the next boat came, when the distress signal was answered. | ||
| By the time they got there, this guy was just ribcage popping out of his fucking jacket. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not really interested in dying that way. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Because you're not doing anything. | ||
| That's a bear. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| And a polar bear. | ||
| Polar bears and fucking oceans. | ||
| But you know what they do? | ||
| They grab you by the neck and they just shake a couple times, I guess. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes they just start eating you. | ||
| They start eating you from the legs up like that guy from Grizzly Bear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seven minute audio tape. | ||
| That's a good time. | ||
| There go my legs. | ||
| Oh, those are my feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Those are my feet. | ||
| They won't release that shit. | ||
| Those are my calves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's my femur bone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| My femur bone! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thigh. | |
| Eating, just taking chunks out of your thigh. | ||
| Ruthlessly. | ||
| Ever see that YouTube video of the woman got too close to the polar bear's cage? | ||
| Oh yeah, and it breaks her leg. | ||
| Yep, brought her in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hannah, sucker. | ||
| Yeah, they're mean, man. | ||
| They're also fast. | ||
| Well, they have to be. | ||
| They're living in fucking the frozen north. | ||
| What a crazy place to live. | ||
| They're like the cleanup agents of the frozen north. | ||
| You can't put a baby polar bear or even a smaller polar bear, like an adolescent polar bear, into a cage with a big polar bear. | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| It'll eat it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Jack! | ||
| Females will keep their cubs. | ||
| They'll run away from a male. | ||
| A male will chase a female and her cubs for two days trying to eat those cubs. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| So they'll follow a female running and keeping her cubs going to get away from a male who sees them and says, I want to eat your babies. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| So she goes, guys, we got to run. | ||
| Let's run now. | ||
| But why is he still chasing us? | ||
| I'm tired, mommy. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| That's the school of hard knocks, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, you think? | ||
| And, you know, and they'll eat both fucking cubs, too. | ||
| They won't just eat one and let the other one free. | ||
| No, he's going to kill that one and run after the next one. | ||
| The other one is, you know... | ||
| Yeah, they have to store up. | ||
| They have to store up fat. | ||
| And mom's not doing a thing. | ||
| She's got to just go... | ||
| Randy Couture asked me to go hunting with him. | ||
| I'm going to go hunting with Randy Couture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's okay. | |
| And we were going to go bear hunting. | ||
| But I'm like, I don't want to eat a bear, man. | ||
| I don't want to eat a bear. | ||
| And I couldn't do it anyway. | ||
| I had to cancel some stand-up dates. | ||
| We're trying to figure out another day to do it. | ||
| But I'm like, let's kill something that I can eat. | ||
| Black bear or grizzly bear? | ||
| It's a black bear. | ||
| You can eat black bear. | ||
| It's oily meat. | ||
| It tastes like shit, though, right? | ||
| They say it's really good. | ||
| It's oily. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Oily meat? | ||
| They say it's a very thick... | ||
| That's what I call my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine going gay bear hunting with Randy? | |
| Yeah, there's gay bear hunting. | ||
| Let's find some bears. | ||
| Let's find some jeans with jean jackets on. | ||
| Yeah, you got your hunting gear and you just end up in like the city. | ||
| You're like, what are we doing, dude? | ||
| Why are we cruising slowly? | ||
| This guy's dressed like Bob Seger. | ||
| Let's take him down. | ||
| Dude, why do you smell like cologne and why are you wearing eyeliner right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is so weird. | |
| Why am I sucking your dick? | ||
| Randy Couture is the manliest man ever. | ||
| He's ultimately my favorite American. | ||
| Running through the woods. | ||
| He was doing the eco challenge when he stopped fighting for a while. | ||
| Just running through the fucking forest, the Pacific coast. | ||
| He doesn't need a bow and arrow or anything else. | ||
| He just runs it down. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| But he's a big hunter. | ||
| He loves hunting. | ||
| So he's going to take me somewhere. | ||
| There's a hunting TV show they do it with. | ||
| Whenever I'm around, I've been around Randy Couture a couple times, and whenever I'm around a guy like that, I always feel a combination of just awe and just, I feel a little bad about myself. | ||
| Well, I always feel like, Jesus, you know, I always say to people, I say, why don't you fight MMA? First of all, because I don't want to, and two, because I'm old. | ||
| And then, like, Randy Couture is five years older than me. | ||
| Five years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, don't be a pussy, Joe. | |
| There has never been combat athletes into their late 40s before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| Never. | ||
| You never saw that. | ||
| You never saw a 48-year-old guy. | ||
| It's a combination of a lot of things. | ||
| A lot of it's genetics, too. | ||
| Because the guy's never injured, which is crazy. | ||
| You think about all these different guys that cancel their camps. | ||
| Sports science did a thing where he's able to take the VO, like his VO max is much higher, like he's able to assimilate oxygen in his muscles much better than most people. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| He's a lifelong athlete, and he was always known, even in the early, early days of competing, of just breaking guys' wills. | ||
| I mean, that's what he did to Vitor Belfort. | ||
| He just imposed his will on Vitor and broke him. | ||
| He fucked Vitor up for a long time. | ||
| He's relentless. | ||
| He'll go for the double leg, then a single leg, then a double leg. | ||
| And he beats you up against the cage, too. | ||
| This Machida fight in Toronto is very interesting. | ||
| Because he really firmly believes that Machida fights on the outside, but you can grab a hold of him. | ||
| And when you grab a hold of him, Randy thinks he's just going to pin him up against the cage and beat the shit out of him. | ||
| Randy Couture is fighting Machida, bro. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's doing The Expendables 2. He's doing movies. | ||
| He's a crazy fuck, dude. | ||
| And then he's trying to get hunting trips in. | ||
| Come on, let's go kill a bear! | ||
| What a stunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a stunt. | |
| I'm such a girl. | ||
| It's good to be around those guys. | ||
| It's good to know that there's levels of manliness out there. | ||
| Well, that's why sports for a young man are very important. | ||
| I don't care what it is, because it teaches you how tough you're not. | ||
| How tough you're not. | ||
| Not just how tough you are, but also how tough you're not. | ||
| And you need to know both. | ||
| And you need to know what other people are willing to go through, the kind of pain that some people are willing to go through. | ||
| You've got to watch a real-life strength and conditioning program. | ||
| You tell me you want to be an MMA fighter? | ||
| Okay, go to the gym with Sean Shirk. | ||
| Just watch him do that once. | ||
| First of all, I don't need to, because I was 17 and I went to Dan Gable's intensive wrestling camp with the Hawkeyes, and I remember limping for two weeks. | ||
| I limped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wake you up at 5 in the morning and you run sprints for an hour and then you do live wrestling. | ||
| And that's why I didn't want to wrestle in college because I went, if this is college athletics, I don't want to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And what happened was I'd smell a mat and my back would start to hurt. | ||
| I got a psychosomatic injury. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All right? | ||
| My body was like, don't do that. | ||
| I limped. | ||
| The only time in my life I kept looking at my plane ticket and I was going to fake an injury so I could go home. | ||
| High school wrestling would make a fucking man out of you. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| Dude, they closed that camp down. | ||
| Because you had to graduate and like a third of the camp would drop out. | ||
| And literally they closed it down, I believe, the next year or the year after that. | ||
| Well, they also were really encouraging people to lose a tremendous amount of weight, which was terrifying and really fucking terrible for your young body. | ||
| You know, when you're 14, 15 years old and you're in high school and you're coaching and you're already lean and they're telling you to lose 10 pounds of water and dehydration. | ||
| And you had to wrestle that day, too. | ||
| It's not like the UFC. I did it, too. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| I did it for Taekwondo tournaments, too. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| My friend did it his whole high school career, and he's really short, where everyone else in his family is tall. | ||
| He's 5'6", and everyone else in his family is 6'2". | ||
| You're starving yourself. | ||
| Yeah, he starved himself all through high school, through every fucking season. | ||
| And college is worse, man. | ||
| Yeah, and he went to, in the off-season, he went to camps, and he was really trying to make it as a wrestler. | ||
| Boxers don't lose as much weight, do they? | ||
| Because they've got to go 12 rounds. | ||
| You also have to take head blows. | ||
| It's much more dangerous when you take head blows. | ||
| That's when people get real serious brain damage. | ||
| Gerald McClellan is a perfect example of that. | ||
| He's a guy who used to lose a lot of weight to make his division. | ||
| I think he was light heavyweight. | ||
| He was a big guy, and he would dehydrate himself really bad, and he didn't go about it the right way. | ||
| I don't know if they used IVs back in those days to rehydrate. | ||
| Now they're pretty sophisticated about it. | ||
| They always give guys bags of IV. Some guys will take six, seven, eight bags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, they have to rehydrate, and they piss like crazy, but they feel much better, much quicker, and they gain a tremendous amount of weight in a 24-hour period. | ||
| There's a guy, Gleason Tebow fights in the UFC. I don't know how he loses the weight. | ||
| I don't know what he does, but this motherfucker fights at 155, and he looks like he's He's fucking huge. | ||
| Well, it's like, what's the guy's name? | ||
| Anthony Johnson. | ||
| Yeah, perfect. | ||
| He walks to 215. Yeah, he's huge. | ||
| 215. I did a movie with him. | ||
| He's fighting 170 again. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| He fought 170. I was doing a movie with him in Pittsburgh, and he walked around with these shoulders. | ||
| I was like, this dude, and I said, how much do you weigh? | ||
| He goes, 215. I go, how are you going to get down to 170? | ||
| He's like, I'll make it. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| He's got it down to his science. | ||
| I was like, alright. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck they do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His head's that big. | |
| He's enormous. | ||
| His bones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a super athlete. | ||
| That guy is fucking powerful. | ||
| That's a guy when you stand around, you feel like just such a wimp. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's an interesting guy, too, because he's a wrestler. | ||
| But he's really been working primarily on his striking. | ||
| And he's knocking a lot of guys out. | ||
| That was a big victory for Koscheck when Koscheck beat him. | ||
| I think a lot of that guy's problem is that he gets really depleted making that 170. I think he'd be better served at 185. I think a lot of guys would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I think a lot of guys lose too much weight, and I think over the long course of a career, it's very dangerous. | ||
| It's very unhealthy. | ||
| I don't know if you're allowed to say, but is there going to be a GSP-Anderson Silva fight? | ||
| They want to do that, but GSP has to get through Jake Shields, which is no fucking cakewalk. | ||
| Jake Shields is dangerous as fuck, and he's a winner, and his jiu-jitsu is top-notch. | ||
| Jake Shields can submit anybody. | ||
| Sure, but GSP has proved that he is still far and away the... | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, no doubt about it, but you can't discount Jake Shields. | ||
| GSP's never fought Jake Shields, I'm telling you. | ||
| Jake Shields, look, he might... | ||
| GSP might be able to keep the fight on his feet, and if he does, GSP is more than likely going to be far better on his feet. | ||
| He's got way better striking, way better hands, way better kicks than Jake. | ||
| Jake is just all about closing the distance, getting ahold of you and dragging you to the ground. | ||
| And if he can't do that, yeah, he's in some trouble. | ||
| He's going to get boxed up. | ||
| But if he can do that, it becomes very interesting. | ||
| It becomes very interesting because Jake Shields has competed at the very highest levels of the game in grappling and submitted guys, in fact, in Abu Dhabi that submitted GSP. His level of jiu-jitsu is quite a bit higher, but George is so smart and he's so defensively intelligent. | ||
| He's never been submitted in MMA before. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's so, at least not in the UFC. He's also punching in the face. | ||
| Yeah, and elbowing. | ||
| And he's strong as fuck. | ||
| And his wrestling is outstanding, too. | ||
| Yeah, they say, I've talked to guys who train with him, and they say that he's just, he's really, really strong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got superhuman strength. | ||
| Well, he's got great strength, and he's also, like, really smart. | ||
| And he does things correctly, and he's, like, super driven. | ||
| Like, I told you, we worked on that turning sidekick thing. | ||
| He talked to me afterwards, like, Joe, I practiced it a thousand times. | ||
| I was on the set. | ||
| They were like, this guy's crazy. | ||
| I'm kicking the bag. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, I'm going to get it. | ||
| He was obsessed with it. | ||
| If you show him a technique, he'll go over and go over. | ||
| The next thing you do, he'll probably be doing it better than you who taught him. | ||
| You know what's funny about that? | ||
| You see these people who are great and they do these things and you think it's magic. | ||
| They just work harder than everybody else. | ||
| Obsession and repetition. | ||
| And the same desire that gets you far in life with that can also fuck you up if you get addicted to EverQuest. | ||
| It's the same sort of obsession can wind you up in a ditch if it becomes something that's not productive. | ||
| For me, I have to, and I know you're probably the same way, I have to manage my addictions. | ||
| I have to be real careful and keep an eye on it. | ||
| I'm not as intense as you are that way. | ||
| You've always been really, really obsessive. | ||
| Well, it's a problem. | ||
| It's not even a discipline. | ||
| It's more of an obsession. | ||
| I'm disciplined, kind of. | ||
| I mean, I get things done. | ||
| I'm disciplined. | ||
| But what I really am is driven. | ||
| There's a big difference. | ||
| If I find something... | ||
| I'm not good at doing things I don't want to do. | ||
| I'm not good at taking out the garbage. | ||
| I'm not good at remembering to do errands. | ||
| Things that I'm supposed to do, I'm not good at. | ||
| But if there's something I'm excited about, if there's something that I'm motivated about, then I become obsessed with it. | ||
| And then I become driven. | ||
| To get good at whatever the fuck this thing is. | ||
| So it's not even like a discipline thing. | ||
| It's almost like I just know how to turn on the crazy switch. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| You're really, really good at that. | ||
| But you've got to manage that shit, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't. | ||
| They get into gambling and then they become fucking crazy with blackjack or poker. | ||
| I've always been really grateful that I didn't have the kind of wiring that was predisposed to the kind of negative obsessions like that. | ||
| Well, you're self-deprecating enough to the point where you don't have to constantly be the best guy in the room. | ||
| You can have a good time no matter what. | ||
| No, I've always enjoyed my friends' successes. | ||
| I've always found it more inspiring than threatening. | ||
| I just think it's like intelligence. | ||
| It's like trying to compartmentalize anything. | ||
| Well, that's why you're a healthy dude, too. | ||
| But it's like courage. | ||
| Some people say, well, I'm a coward. | ||
| Well, you're a coward. | ||
| Maybe you wouldn't get up on stage and do stand-up, but you'd fight six guys in a bar. | ||
| And intelligence or talent, it's all the same stuff. | ||
| Some people, you just have to find what you're good at. | ||
| Find your shit. | ||
| What's your role? | ||
| It might be to support talented people. | ||
| It might be to be the one on stage. | ||
| It might be the one who comes up with the microphone that you... | ||
| You use it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| There's club owners, there's managers, there's agents, there's comics, there's writers. | ||
| If you have children, I think your job is to try to nudge that child in the direction of what he's supposed to do anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever his primal impulses are. | ||
| You have kids now. | ||
| Are you actively thinking about that? | ||
| Your daughter's the same age as my daughter. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| And what I try to do with my daughter is provide two things. | ||
| One is love, unconditional love, so she's not messed up. | ||
| But... | ||
| I also believe that a large part of my job is to stand out of the way, not to be a suppressive, overwhelming personality for her. | ||
| I don't want to be too much of an influence. | ||
| And the reason I don't want is I want her to ultimately, I think a great deal comes from having to be independent and also feeling free enough and not ashamed of whatever it is you are. | ||
| And so much of my childhood, and it's not nobody's fault, but so much of my childhood When I think back on it, even my young adult eight years, is full of what I would describe as shame. | ||
| I mean, described certainly as confusion, but also shame. | ||
| Just also, God, I feel so different than most people. | ||
| I'm a fuck-up, and I've got to get my shit together. | ||
| Well, no, I didn't. | ||
| I actually had to just go deeper into that. | ||
| Well, to be a performer, yes, but if you were a car salesman, yeah, you would have had a problem. | ||
| Sure, but I'm saying, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like we're lucky that this avenue exists. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I'm just saying you've got to find whatever your avenue is. | ||
| I think people say, well, everybody has a path. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| But your job as a young adult or as a child is to try to find that. | ||
| Maybe everybody could have a path. | ||
| It's not that everybody does. | ||
| Maybe that everybody could. | ||
| Yeah, but you also, you said something really profound I've been thinking about a lot lately that I thought was really cool. | ||
| You said, it's one thing to be really accomplished and you've accomplished things and we can go through all this stuff. | ||
| But the one thing you said that you're the most proud of is accomplishing your peace of mind. | ||
| And that is a very separate, separate endeavor from trying to make money and trying to make a name for yourself, trying to be significant, trying to be original. | ||
| But actually, getting to a point where you have peace of mind I think is equally as important as any accomplishment. | ||
| It's more important than anything. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I'm happier now than I've ever been at any point in my life. | ||
| And I'm also nicer to people now than at any point ever in my own life. | ||
| And more conscious about biological maintenance, making sure I work out on a regular basis, making sure I'm healthy. | ||
| All those things together with my life. | ||
| You've genuinely changed in some ways your personality in a way. | ||
| You've actually made fundamental changes in how you relate to other human beings. | ||
| I've seen that in you. | ||
| A lot of that is psychedelics and the tank. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's a combination. | ||
| You did the tank recently. | ||
| Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
| Tell me about this. | ||
| We'll end with this because we've been talking for a long time. | ||
| Tell me what your experience was like. | ||
| I got into the salt water, and it was really dark. | ||
| By the way, for people who don't know, this is a sensory deprivation tank we're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, and I thought two things. | ||
| I thought one is I was going to go restless, and I thought the other thing, I was going to get cold. | ||
| And then I thought I was going to sink and all that. | ||
| And in fact, I started to just focus on my breath and it was very easy for me to kind of disappear for real. | ||
| And I think I stayed in there for two hours, but I could have stayed in there way longer. | ||
| Way longer. | ||
| People say, you know, he said, I think the guy said, you know, 15 minutes or you might be in there for an hour, but it might be hard. | ||
| For me, I could have just stayed in there. | ||
| It's an amazing environment, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need to get one of those. | ||
| I think we all need that. | ||
| Well, you live in the area, so you can go to that place all the time, but man, having one in your house is this shit. | ||
| How often do you change that water? | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| It's only me that goes in it, and it's 800 pounds of salt. | ||
| Nothing can live in there. | ||
| Yeah, it's like it's so dense. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's just like that. | ||
| It's the most valuable program ever or the valuable tool ever for reprogramming your mind, for looking at yourself in a truly objective way and to be tethered, untethered rather, from your life, untethered from your personal experiences and able to look at them. | ||
| Literally, when you're inside that tank, it feels like you're not there. | ||
| It feels like time has essentially stopped. | ||
| You're not getting any input. | ||
| It might be going on without you, all rambling free in the world, but in your life, your life is all about how you relate to everything that you see in your environment. | ||
| So having a chance to be out of your environment, the only opportunity that you have in the world, that's the only environment on the planet like that, where you can go and separate yourself literally from your life. | ||
| So watch yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you don't know what we're talking about, we're talking about a sensory deprivation tank which was created by a psychedelic pioneer from the 50s named John Lilly, who was this brilliant scientist who was incredibly eccentric. | ||
| And one of the things he wanted to figure out was how to detach himself from his physical inputs of sound and feeling and seeing things and how to figure out how to get the mind literally away from any input of the body. | ||
| He realized that life is very distracting and that conversations that you're having, if there's a bus driving by right next to you, it's hard to have that conversation. | ||
| The bus is distracting. | ||
| Input is distracting and when you are in the tank you are literally dealing with no input. | ||
| You have no hearing because your ears are underwater and it's a big heavy door that's shut and it's pretty soundproof. | ||
| You have no seeing because you're in total blackness, total complete darkness. | ||
| You don't feel anything because the water is the same temperature as your skin. | ||
| And the water has 800 pounds of salt in it, so you're completely buoyant. | ||
| And it's the most amazing environment, man. | ||
| It goes into that really, what was that, I think, therefore I am, right? | ||
| Descartes mentioned. | ||
| But that's always been disputed in the sense that because you can imagine it, It doesn't mean, indeed, that it's actually there. | ||
| Or it does. | ||
| What is the imagination? | ||
| This is the real question. | ||
| What is the imagination? | ||
| And are thoughts really non-local? | ||
| Are you really just a biological antenna that picks up entropy in the air? | ||
| That picks up creativity and ideas and things? | ||
| And these are literally woven into the fabric of time all around us. | ||
| You know what that great mathematician won the Fields Medal said? | ||
| He refused the Fields Medal, which is a million-dollar prize, I believe, and it's like the Nobel Prize for Mathematics. | ||
| They couldn't find him. | ||
| They found him in Siberia a year later, and he goes, why are you giving me the prize? | ||
| You should be giving the equation a prize. | ||
| I just have antenna. | ||
| I'm wired a certain way, and I was able to channel The answer. | ||
| I think it was a 350-page answer they've been looking at. | ||
| Even the problem had been conjectured in like 1806. The actual problem. | ||
| And then he came up with the answer and all these mathematicians. | ||
| Like, this guy actually figured it out after 300 years. | ||
| And he's just incredibly brilliant. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah, but you're giving the prize to the radio? | ||
| You should be giving it to the music. | ||
| They all say that. | ||
| Every artist says that. | ||
| Every great writer says that. | ||
| They tune into the muse. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| That's what makes me believe in any kind of God or whatever you want to call it. | ||
| A higher benevolent force of some kind or at least something of beauty. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was my point? | ||
| What is imagination? | ||
| What is thought? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| My point was, the idea of imagination is very strange because you have this idea, you have this thing that comes in your mind, wait a minute, if I do this and combine it with that, holy shit, I just made a new invention, this is going to revolutionize. | ||
| What you've done is, with this thing in the ether, you have pulled it out of that and now it manifests itself in a physical form and alters human life. | ||
| It changes life. | ||
| All the things that people have invented, they had to initially think up, whether it's the car, whether it's computers. | ||
| This had to be a thought in someone's mind, a creative idea, or a conglomeration of other ideas that existed before that's a combinatory thing, and they combine it and make some new creative thing. | ||
| But whatever the imagination is, it eventually manifests itself as an actual thing. | ||
| But we don't look at that for... | ||
| And by the way, imagination is also way more important than what you consider intelligence or amassing information. | ||
| Imagination is what moves history forward. | ||
| Innovation, yeah. | ||
| Well, Gutenberg, when he came up with the printing press, even Freud, when he came up with the concept that you could figure out how the human mind works, Einstein's theory of relativity, Newton's calculus, these guys who were these seminal thinkers who came up with Even Karl Marx, for that matter. | ||
| I'm not a communist. | ||
| But these guys who came up with these sort of seminal concepts of, you know, how to restructure our society, how to restructure our biology, how to restructure our minds, how to look at our minds, all those things. | ||
| From the imagination. | ||
| It all came from imagination. | ||
| And we leapt forward. | ||
| In some ways, not in a good way. | ||
| In some ways, we came up with the atomic bomb. | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, it's all the same thing, right? | ||
| It's all people in, you know, whatever branch of study that they choose to pursue, you know, they create things, you know, and it becomes an actual physical thing. | ||
| But what is the imagination that's making that happen? | ||
| Is it like a life form? | ||
| And what's the point? | ||
| And also, what's the point? | ||
| Is it the diagram, the map of the universe that we're supposed to follow? | ||
| We brought this podcast full circle because we started with that question and we end with that question. | ||
| There is no point. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| This is our message, folks. | ||
| Just be fucking nice to people. | ||
| If we all were cool, if everybody was like the people in this room right now, if the whole world was made up of us and we just ran into us everywhere, I mean, that's so egocentric and ridiculous to say, but the mindset of what I'm talking about. | ||
| Just be cool to people. | ||
| Just be nice. | ||
| You know what the problem is? | ||
| Competition is the problem. | ||
| Sometimes somebody has an idea that they think is better for you. | ||
| So example, certain people in Kansas say, let's start teaching intelligent design and not evolution. | ||
| And we're going to teach your child that because it's better for his soul. | ||
| And all of a sudden you go, wait a minute, you're trying to be nice to me, but I don't want that kind of nice. | ||
| Yeah, that's the wrong kind of nice. | ||
| That's not what I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm talking about people not fucking with other people's lives. | ||
| Don't try to control other people. | ||
| Worry about yourself. | ||
| There's just so many of us. | ||
| There's so many of us, it's hard to get this all across. | ||
| But I firmly believe that we right now are more advanced, more in tune, more tuned in than any other generation that's ever been before. | ||
| And a lot of it is because of stuff like this. | ||
| A lot of it is because of the podcast, internet. | ||
| Things you can read, the access to information, all these things. | ||
| We're communicating in a way with Twitter and with Facebook that no one's ever done before. | ||
| I think we're connected the way we've never been before, in real time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These things that we're all pushing together, it's a fascinating time. | ||
| And I think human beings culturally are evolving at an incredible pace. | ||
| Exponential in a way. | ||
| Technology certainly is. | ||
| Yeah, that's the nuttiest thing about all this 2012 nonsense is, fuck, everything's pointing towards that being real. | ||
| Everything's pointing towards all these fucking events happening and people changing and technology accelerated at an incredible pace. | ||
| And we talked about earlier about the center of every galaxy being a black hole and we were talking about that. | ||
| Well, that's what they're trying to do at the Large Hadron Collider. | ||
| They're making black holes. | ||
| So if the center of every galaxy is a black hole and inside that black hole is a universe and then they're making universes, that's what they're doing. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Somebody put the brakes on that. | ||
| We are butterflies. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And we are on our way to being the next thing. | ||
| You know, there was a caterpillar that became a butterfly, and that is the human being. | ||
| If you want an actually great lecture on that, it's called Homo Evolutus, and it's by Juan Enriquez. | ||
| Go to ted.com, and Juan Enriquez will take you through a lecture called Homo Evolutus, and he talks about how we're coming up with, for example, eyes that right now can see shadow and light, but they're going to pretty soon be able to see underwater and in the dark for a mile away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And of course. | |
| The ears that can hear a mile away. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| And we're going to start to become machine, part machine, as we come up with biocompatible components way faster than we're going to ever evolve into whatever else we're supposed to biologically. | ||
| I know people already that have artificial hips. | ||
| I know a couple people. | ||
| I need one, dude. | ||
| My hip starts clicking now. | ||
| Your hips are fucked up? | ||
| My hip on this side really hurts sometimes when I move the wrong way. | ||
| Try being a top every now and then. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| And on that note, Brian Callan, you're the greatest. | ||
| Thank you very much for being on the podcast again. | ||
| Always the most fascinating, intriguing, in-depth conversations, head-spinning shit. | ||
| I'm going to have to go back and review it because there was a lot of stuff that we talked about that I'm like, wow, I really need to consider this. | ||
| And I apologize for any inaccuracies. | ||
| It is the issue that we just start talking. | ||
| We just start... | ||
| Always an honor. | ||
| Always a pleasure. | ||
| Please, you're the best, man. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| And people can follow Brian on Twitter. | ||
| It's B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N. Follow him on Twitter and follow Red Band. | ||
| Please, folks. | ||
| And by the way, I'm doing the Palms stand-up this weekend. | ||
| Oh, this weekend in Vegas. | ||
| Seriously, he's one of the funniest, most unique human beings on the planet. | ||
| He's responsible for one of the three funniest things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| The gay jujitsu sketch that you did in a hotel room in Vegas. | ||
| Between that and Joey Diaz showing his balls and Duncan Trussell's new video. | ||
| Duncan Trussell's new video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so good, isn't it? | |
| It's so good. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| Well, it's Duncan and his girlfriend Natasha. | ||
| No one's seen it yet. | ||
| You can only watch it on his computer. | ||
| It hasn't been released yet. | ||
| When it does get released, I made a video on my iPhone talking about how great it is, like you people are going to freak. | ||
| It's going to get like a million hits in the first week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking great. | |
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| This is his thing. | ||
| His greatest accomplishment. | ||
| It's genius. | ||
| It's Duncan in a nutshell and Natasha in a nutshell together. | ||
| Alright, this weekend, Gotham sold out. | ||
| Next weekend, there's a few tickets left for the Moore Theater in Seattle, but that's going fast, too. | ||
| And then we're in Portland the week after that at Helium in Portland. | ||
| It's all on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| And this Wednesday, we are at Sal's Comedy Hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got some funny fucking people on there, too. | |
| Who's on? | ||
| Steve Renazzisi, Freddie Lockhart, Doug Benson, and Brett Ernst. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good lineup, ladies and gentlemen, so you don't want to miss that shit. | ||
| And Sal's Comedy Hole is only like... | ||
| 80 or 90 people, and we do it pretty much every Wednesday. | ||
| Every Wednesday, I'm in town. | ||
| We fuck around. | ||
| We come up with new material. | ||
| We have fun. | ||
| It's a great environment. | ||
| You're going to see a lot of cool comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a VIP show right now. | |
| These 80 people are getting a crazy show. | ||
| Sarah Silverman did it last week. | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eliza Schlesinger. | |
| Eliza Schlesinger. | ||
| We always have top-notch guys come down and fuck around, and it's a really good environment. | ||
| It's a really fun place. | ||
| Are you doing anything Wednesday? | ||
| Brian Callum's on the show. | ||
| I'll actually be in... | ||
| I have to do Brea at 8 o'clock. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| What time are you going to be done? | ||
| What time? | ||
| What time's your set? | ||
| Are you closing? | ||
| You're closing. | ||
| Yeah, I think I'm closing. | ||
| Okay, you won't be done in time. | ||
| All right, yeah, we start at 9, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, any Wednesday. | |
| We do it every Wednesday. | ||
| We start at 8 o'clock. | ||
| All right, 8 p.m. | ||
| South Common Hill. | ||
| I didn't know you did that. | ||
| I want to You're coming. | ||
| Yeah, you're coming. | ||
| You're coming. | ||
| It's the new hangout. | ||
| It's the new greatest place to fuck around for stand-up. | ||
| Everyone super supportive. | ||
| Everyone that works there cool as fuck. | ||
| Sal is an ace. | ||
| He's just a super warm, friendly, happy guy. | ||
| Oh, I love the comedy hall. | ||
| Sal's comedy hall. | ||
| Yeah, Sal. | ||
| He's got a new place. | ||
| It's on Melrose now. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| I'd love to promote that. | ||
| It's a real small place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
VIP service now. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Valet service now starting this Wednesday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, because the parking was a little weird. | ||
| Give some foreign dude your keys and make sure he doesn't steal your weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm all over it. | ||
| Listen, bitches, you know we love you. | ||
| And we'll see you tomorrow with Joey Coco Diaz, none other than one of the other funniest human beings, funny experiences. | ||
| You know what the fuck I'm talking about, bitches. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We love you guys. |
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