Feb. 17, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:30:58
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| My snap sounds so good in this echo with a microphone. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Right now, people are going, what the fuck did we tune into? | ||
| Two queers snapping their fingers. | ||
| Snapping. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast. | ||
| Welcome to the podcast. | ||
| Before we get started, thank you to Fleshlight, our sponsor. | ||
| If you go to jorogan.net and click the link, you can get 15% off. | ||
| You just put the code name Rogan in. | ||
| And it's a fine instrument for masturbation. | ||
| We need to get them to send some more. | ||
| People keep on asking, guests. | ||
| Yeah, we got to give them away. | ||
| We got to get a box. | ||
| But now that Chris is gone, I got to contact the new dude. | ||
| And this is the only sponsor that we have for this podcast. | ||
| There's no other way to, you know, I know some people like to put up these donation things and donate money. | ||
| We don't have one for this podcast, but Brian has one for his. | ||
| DeathSquad.tv. | ||
| Yeah, and we talked about this yesterday. | ||
| Brian, what he's basically doing is making this little sort of a homemade sort of a studio and, you know, becoming like a little network. | ||
| And the crazy thing is, you know, we know so many funny people. | ||
| We know so many comics. | ||
| We know so many hilarious dudes that are really interesting. | ||
| And they're not on the radio. | ||
| They should be on the radio. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| You know, I mean, where radio is now is regular radio is just fucking songs. | ||
| Dudes don't talk at all. | ||
| There's no personalities. | ||
| It's like Kevin and Bean and a few local stations in Austin and a few other places, but everywhere else you go, it's just nonsense. | ||
| And then you got satellite radio, but you know, I love satellite radio, but satellite radio is fucking hurting, man. | ||
| They cut back on serious, cut back people's budgets by like 80 fucking percent or something crazy. | ||
| Bubba the love sponge isn't on anymore. | ||
| It's just crazy that we know so many comics from hanging out at local comedy clubs that these guys like Teeb and all these guys would never ever have a chance to ever meet these people. | ||
| So it's kind of cool doing these podcasts because we get to introduce you to people that we know that you would probably never know unless they made it. | ||
| And they probably wouldn't make it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| They probably wouldn't make it. | ||
| Well, a lot of these really funny guys are fucking crazy and lazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they're crazy, they're lazy, and they're like Brian Holtzman, perfect example. | ||
| He's a talented guy, but who the fuck is ever going to hear about him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Pete Johanson, the guy who's coming over today, he's got like 100 Twitter followers. | ||
| So hilarious guy. | ||
| And he's supposed to be here at three, but he thought it was four, so we decided to kick it off without him. | ||
| But he's another guy, you know, hilarious comic. | ||
| And what brings you to the dance as a comic oftentimes is very different from what you need to establish a successful business as an entity, as Jeff Foxworthy or Brian Redband. | ||
| If you want to put your name out there, you have to start thinking marketing. | ||
| That's where Dane Cook was the master. | ||
| He figured out how to do that way before anyway. | ||
| I never put any consideration to any of that shit at all. | ||
| I always thought, well, you just did your stuff and then they put you on TV and then it worked. | ||
| You didn't have to worry about all that stuff. | ||
| But then I realized, well, then you're at the mercy of these other people to put you on TV. | ||
| Whereas the internet, like I'm on the internet every day. | ||
| And for whatever reason, I never thought, well, fuck, I should like promote myself on the internet. | ||
| Like I never even thought of it. | ||
| You should share yourself. | ||
| You should like, that's why constantly updating by Twitter and Facebooks and just anything is so important for a comic. | ||
| And then when you talk to these comics, they're like, I don't have a Twitter, I don't have a Facebook, or, you know, or, or, or Pete, as an example, he has two Twitter accounts, but he has one that's his name and one that's some other crazy name, Eskaris or something like that. | ||
| And it's like, why aren't you using the one with your name? | ||
| What the fuck is Eskarius? | ||
| It's the thing. | ||
| I mean, guys like Teeb, you know, Teeb's hilarious, but Teeb has never made a living as a comedian. | ||
| And he's been doing comedy for like 17 years, but he's always had other jobs. | ||
| You know, it's like what makes you a comic oftentimes is this weird Ford sort of slacker way of looking at things. | ||
| You know, like Ari. | ||
| Ari's notoriously lazy. | ||
| You know, I mean, he jokes about it all the time. | ||
| He wakes up at four o'clock in the afternoon all the time, you know, sleeps on pizza boxes. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| That's how comics are. | ||
| They're nuts. | ||
| But this Twitter thing, man, and Facebook and this Ustream thing and iTunes, we're entering into a whole new different world. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And I guess donations are a good way to do it, really. | ||
| Because instead of saying, hey, I want 50 bucks a month or whatever the fuck you would ever ask me, never asked for that much, but a year or whatever the hell you would ask, you can get this level membership and you can come in a meet and greet. | ||
| And that's $300. | ||
| That always seems so fucking weird. | ||
| It's sort of like how I feel about BitTorrents. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| I feel like when I download something, if I download something and I like it, I always buy the band. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And the only time I've ever downloaded something that I didn't own was when there was no other way to get it. | ||
| Like the AdWords are perfect example. | ||
| I saw that and I saw the CD cover. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, I want to own that. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That is a great CD. | ||
| I want that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But as soon as it came out, I ordered it on iTunes immediately. | ||
| I put it on both computers. | ||
| I think it's important to let people fucking donate things. | ||
| For something like this, for the podcast, I think that's like a perfect way to do it. | ||
| Don't charge a certain amount of money for something like that. | ||
| That's the future. | ||
| There's enough fucking people out there. | ||
| You can make enough money, weasel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like to donate things so much better, like the Trent Reznor kind of way of doing it. | ||
| He puts his CDs out. | ||
| You could donate. | ||
| He even has special limited edition CDs that you could pay for if you want to, but it's pretty much donation-based. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| That to me seems like such a fucking even way to do it. | ||
| Because people literally pay you what they think it's worth. | ||
| But that's how it should be, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| It's so ethereal in the first place, what you're doing, this weird connection with all these other people. | ||
| How do you quantify that in X per month? | ||
|
unidentified
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What is it? | |
| It's all weird. | ||
| It's easy when you're getting paid by a TV show or paid by a comedy club or a theater or something like that. | ||
| But the crazy thing about the podcast is you're going directly to people. | ||
| It's just you and the people. | ||
| There's no middleman. | ||
| There's someone that's going to handle the money and put the ones and zeros in bank accounts somewhere. | ||
| But other than that, it's just you and these people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| You know, it's a trip, dude. | ||
| Speaking of you and these people, you hear about that broad in Egypt? | ||
| The one I got raped. | ||
| Fuck, dude, this is horrific, man. | ||
| Especially having daughters. | ||
| You know, I think about shit like this in a different way. | ||
| You know, this chick was over there and apparently she got separated from her camera crew and they beat her and raped her for a half an hour. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know the extent of the beating or the extent of the sexual assault, whatever, but whatever it was. | ||
| I mean, if it was slight, it would have been horrific and terrifying, but it's obviously significant because she's in the hospital. | ||
| Wasn't she with like a cameraman and a crew, though? | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| Well, I think it was total, complete chaos. | ||
| I mean, you got to think about the situation in Egypt is they had a dictator, the same guy running everything for 31 years. | ||
| I mean, this guy just wouldn't fucking go. | ||
| And they overthrew him with the internet. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Maybe the CIA too. | ||
| The CIA probably. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I don't fucking ever trust that anything that happens in another country, that we just let shit happen. | ||
| You know, I mean, whenever like, like that Valerie, I forget how you say her last name, Plam, Plam Pia, the one that one of the, it wasn't Dick Cheney, maybe Donald Rumsfeld, one of those guys outed her as an undercover CIA agent because her husband had done something that pissed them off, testified against them. | ||
| I don't know what the circumstances were, but they found out that she was an undercover CIA agent. | ||
| Well, how many of them are there? | ||
| Well, there might be fucking tons of them. | ||
| We probably are friends with two of them. | ||
| Well, I know one. | ||
| Ari is one. | ||
| Well, I know one son for sure. | ||
| A buddy of mine who's a good friend. | ||
| His dad's been in the CIA his whole life. | ||
| And he didn't know his dad was in the CIA until he was in his 30s. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He thought his dad worked. | ||
| Well, I don't want to say what his dad did, but. | ||
| Think of it this way. | ||
| You get on a plane. | ||
| There's at least two undercover marshals on the plane. | ||
| Every flight. | ||
| Most big planes, you know, like real flights, not like here to Vegas, you know, but like most big flights, there's like one or two guys on the plane. | ||
| And then I've sat. | ||
| Do they carry guns? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I've sat next to them before, and you start talking to them. | ||
| And then, you know, they tell you that they are. | ||
| I don't think they're supposed to, but they've done it to me. | ||
| And many people I've talked to before have done that. | ||
| But if you think of it that way, that's like one out of 400 people, and that's on a plane. | ||
| How many people in real life do we know? | ||
| Well, that's definitely a big difference between undercover marshals who are there to protect your safety and the idea of these undercover CIA agents who are just manipulating shit abroad. | ||
| I mean, how many of them are working in various industries and they think, I mean, that was like a famous quote from one of the former heads of the CIA that every single person of any significance in the media has been compromised. | ||
| Oh, my God, definitely. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Whenever you see famous actors at the White House, shaking hands with people and what is that all about? | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But can you imagine Jimmy Fallon having some kind of secret single thing going on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people think that. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking some total Alex Jones shit right there. | ||
| That'd be a good question. | ||
| Well, I guess they wouldn't even say, yeah, but you could look in their eyes and see if it blinks for a second. | ||
| Who to ask who? | ||
| Who would have to? | ||
| Just go up to Jimmy Fallon and be like, hey, Jimmy Fallon, hey, let's go ahead. | ||
| And then just lay it on him and look right in his eyes and just see what, like if he sees that little, you see that little like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's pretty much likely that a comedian wouldn't be in the CIA except for Dennis Miller. | ||
| Dennis Miller, I think that guy turned, he turned Republican and conservative hard so quick. | ||
| He became so weird. | ||
| He's like a shill now. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| He was in a video. | ||
| There's a video and it was on my Twitter. | ||
| I put it up from a few days ago and it was Bill O'Reilly. | ||
| And it was all about the Obama healthcare thing that he had a guy on his show and the guy, Bill O'Reilly was accusing the guy of lying about Fox News. | ||
| And the guy was saying that they've said on Fox News that if you don't have health insurance, they can lock you in jail. | ||
| So Bill O'Reilly's going, you know, that is impossible. | ||
| You know, this is ridiculous. | ||
| You didn't get this here. | ||
| Like you have to admit that you made this up. | ||
| So then the video stops. | ||
| And then they show a montage of Fox News reporters saying that you can go to jail if you don't have health care over and over and over and over. | ||
| I mean, it's embarrassing. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's more of that Bill O'Reilly bluster shit. | ||
| You know, he's like one of those. | ||
| He's one of those dudes who puffs his check style, but doesn't think that he's going to get knocked the fuck out. | ||
| He's a dummy. | ||
| He's like an ego dummy. | ||
| And that's like why he left that crazy voicemail on that Broads answering machine when he's supposed to be this voice of conservative reason and he's trying to fuck this chick with a loofah sponge and shit. | ||
| You know, he's a creep. | ||
| But that's not even the point. | ||
| The point is he says this and then they show this giant fucking montage of these Fox News reporters. | ||
| And then they show Dennis Miller on Bill O'Reilly's show. | ||
| And this is the day after the guy was on, before this video had come out. | ||
| And Dennis Miller's going, how about that guy that tried to throw that at you the other day? | ||
| You know, boy, I haven't seen a guy with his hat in his hand, you know, since, you know, he comes up with some ridiculous reference that nobody, including him, really understands. | ||
| But I'm like, my God, did you see this video? | ||
| Like, there's a fucking 10 guy saying it. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about, man? | ||
| You know, they did say it. | ||
| No, he's a shill. | ||
| He's a shill now. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| He became like a Republican mouthpiece. | ||
| Like he, he was saying, this is one of the weird things about Dennis Miller. | ||
| He was saying, you know, I don't make jokes about Bush. | ||
| I give him a pass. | ||
| He's a friend. | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| I just, like, take care of me. | ||
| It's like when the planes hit the towers, he's like, I want to be your side. | ||
| He wants to be a familiar with the vampires. | ||
| He's like those dudes that would hang around with Blade. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| And Blade would smack him into walls and shit like that? | ||
| And they really were trying to hook their vampire buddy up. | ||
| And then the vampire, who is Steven Dorf, kills them. | ||
| It shows that his allegiance was incorrect. | ||
| Should have been trying to be a vampire bitch. | ||
| You got to fight vampires, you fuck. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What I'm trying to say is, Dennis Miller, you're not Blade. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Man, my feet are swelling. | ||
| Yeah, people always complain about my slurping. | ||
| I'm sorry about that. | ||
| Yeah, Brian's rocking some crocs today. | ||
| Crocs. | ||
| Sexy as fuck. | ||
| Fucking, I've been at my mom's coming over today, and I have to be like, fucking, there's so much cum everywhere in my house. | ||
| Like, everywhere, like, oh, there's a tissue, there's a condiment, you know, because, you know, just crap everywhere. | ||
| Bongs, weed, just fucking ridiculous how much clean. | ||
| And not to mention the dirt. | ||
| I mean, that's, that's the biggest part. | ||
| I mean, I just cleaned out my car and I found three things of weed. | ||
| And I just imagine my mom like bending down, going, what's this? | ||
| Oh, it's marijuana. | ||
| Do you pretend to be someone different from when your mom's around? | ||
| Well, I don't, I don't pretend. | ||
| I act pretty much exactly the same. | ||
| Of course, I don't say pussy farts, buttholes and crap, stuff like that, but I'm still weird. | ||
| And my mom knows I'm weird. | ||
| She doesn't know. | ||
| Like, see, that's the problem with these, these podcasts. | ||
| I told my mom, I was like, yeah, I'm doing a podcast. | ||
| Afterwards, I'll pick you up, you know, at the hotel. | ||
| And she's like, what's a podcast? | ||
| And I'm like, oh, it's like a radio show. | ||
| I do it, you know, twice a week with Joe and I have like five other ones. | ||
| And she goes, oh, that's great. | ||
| You know, I've been so bored lately. | ||
| I could download all these now. | ||
|
unidentified
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And I'm thinking, fuck my life. | |
| My mom is going to be going through like, oh, I listened to Spider-Man today, throwing cum on the walls. | ||
| That's gross, Brian. | ||
| Where did you learn how to do that? | ||
| Your dad? | ||
| Have you ever had one of those conversations with her? | ||
| Like a sexual conversation? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've never really talked about sex or anything like that to my mom. | ||
|
unidentified
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Never? | |
| You guys don't talk about sex at all? | ||
| No, she's very old-fashioned. | ||
| Church once a week, quilts. | ||
| She has a farm and she gardens. | ||
| Doesn't she have like 56k? | ||
| She likes rhubarb. | ||
| She has 56k modems. | ||
| So she'd never be able to listen to the podcast. | ||
| No, but she just got a, I taught her how to teether. | ||
| So I got her this Verizon Windows phone, and she now can teether to her lap or her computer, and now she can get internet using Verizon's data network by teethering. | ||
| So now she's actually can download podcasts and crap like that. | ||
| I'm kind of fucking in trouble because, I mean, oh, it sucks. | ||
| So yeah, that I've been. | ||
| So is she going to listen? | ||
| I'm going to have to talk her out of it. | ||
| I'm going to say that we just talk about, you know, we cuss a lot. | ||
| I'll have to say, yeah, we cuss a lot. | ||
| And it's just tell her it's mostly about guys and fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it's about sports and cussing and asshole punching and shit like that. | |
| Just give her one example of one of the most extreme things that Joey Diaz has ever said. | ||
| Mom, we have a lot of black guests. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talk about black cock at least 50% of the time. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it just fucking sucks. | ||
| But so yeah, I ran out of the house wearing crocs. | ||
| These are my like cleaning shoes. | ||
| Totally forgot until I got out at your house. | ||
| It's weird that you own them at all. | ||
| Well, it's good for cleaning. | ||
| Like if you're running around like taking trash out, like mopping floors. | ||
| What size shoes do you wear? | ||
| Tens. | ||
| I'm wearing 11. | ||
| I already try them on. | ||
| Oh, dude, try them on. | ||
| I don't want to try them on. | ||
| They're sweaty. | ||
| This is the wrong size and they're sweaty. | ||
| It's like jelly. | ||
| Meanwhile, I don't mind doing jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You know, if I actually thought about what jiu-jitsu was while I was doing it, while someone's sweating on you, because it's like a man's chest sweat on your face all the time. | ||
| You know, it's very rare in life that you get a man's chest sweat on your face for more than 20 minutes if you're not a homosexual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or Italian? | ||
| It seems like you would be like a lot, For 20 minutes holding onto your head. | ||
| Yeah, you're wearing wife Peters. | ||
|
unidentified
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It takes a long time to get a guy that sweaty, Brian. | |
| It ain't that easy. | ||
| Not when you're playing stickball at Joe and the streets of the world. | ||
| I played stickball when I was a kid. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| East Coast. | ||
| East Coast. | ||
| I'm trying to. | ||
| What did you use as first base, second base, third base? | ||
| Did you use lasagna boxes or something? | ||
| We used whatever was around, whatever was around. | ||
| Sometimes you'd use a car. | ||
| First base was the corner of this car. | ||
| You had to touch the bumper. | ||
| It would have sucked if you lived in our neighborhood. | ||
| Because first of all, there was like when I was growing up, when I lived in Jamaica, playing especially, because that was a poor neighborhood and there was a lot of crazy kids there. | ||
| We would play in the street all the time. | ||
| Like you would literally go outside your house and you go into the street and the street was the playground. | ||
| We would play stick ball on the street. | ||
| We'd play catch. | ||
| We would do like crazy hide and seek things and shit. | ||
| We played right in the street all the time. | ||
| So if your car was parked in the street, your car was in a playground. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I mean, balls were bouncing off your car and we always had to stop games because cars were coming. | ||
| I mean, that was like standard. | ||
| Standard was that kids played in the streets. | ||
| Do you think if you had video games when you were a kid, you would not be playing stickball? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Stickball industry must be hurting with the marble industry. | ||
| It was also that, you know, it's awkward, you know, when you're 14. | ||
| That wasn't even 14. | ||
| It was 12 or 11. | ||
| It's easy to hide. | ||
| You know, it's easy to hide when you're shy, when things bother you. | ||
| You know, there's boys out there. | ||
| You don't know who they are. | ||
| They might be, oh, fuck this. | ||
| I'm staying inside. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| But when you can't, then you're forced to go outside and you're forced to interact with all these people. | ||
| But if I had video games back then, and I was nervous going and hanging out with these weird Puerto Rican kids and these fucking Irish hooligans. | ||
| There was like these fucking hooligans in my neighborhood. | ||
| I went from living in Florida. | ||
| We lived in Gainesville in like a university community because my dad was going to school. | ||
| And he transferred over to the Architectural Institute of Boston. | ||
| And when he trans, I forget what it's called. | ||
| That might not be the actual name of it. | ||
| But anyway, when he transferred over to that, we didn't have any money. | ||
| And so we lived in this really shitty neighborhood. | ||
| It was a fucked up house too. | ||
| And it was just a lot of bad kids, man. | ||
| Just a lot of bad kids. | ||
| Like, kids were drinking already hardcore at like 13. | ||
| They were getting fucked up. | ||
| They were having sex. | ||
| Like, I'd never been around anybody who had sex. | ||
| And they were all fucked. | ||
| They were all fucking. | ||
| And they were fucking this one chick that lived up the street. | ||
| She was 20 and she would fuck anybody. | ||
| So these 13-year-old kids would go over and fuck her. | ||
| And it's like, whoa. | ||
| These girls knew how to dress too. | ||
| They had like the cutoff jean shorts with too many holes in it. | ||
| You know, like you could just see her butthole and you're just like, ah. | ||
| Dude, it's so funny that you say that. | ||
| She always wore cutoff jean shorts. | ||
| With bleach. | ||
| Remember you used to bleach your jeans? | ||
| Like, I used to just pour bleach on my jeans in my basement and then sit there overnight and then wash them. | ||
| And there would just be these big white spots all over your jeans. | ||
| How ridiculous is it going to be when you look back in time at these jeans that you're wearing right now with artificial holes in them? | ||
| No, I fell off a motorcycle, Joe. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You have to stitch it back Together, yeah, you know, times are kind of tough right now. | ||
| Meanwhile, you pay extra for these jeans that are fucked up. | ||
| I don't know if you pay extra anymore. | ||
| I think you used to, but now I think that's the normal, and you pay extra now to not have them just fucked up. | ||
| I think it's backwards now, like skinny jeans and shit like that, like colored Jordash, purple Jordashes are way more expensive than just a jean that has a whole one. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I can't wear most of those jeans in the first place because I'm built like a troll, right? | ||
| So I have to wear jeans that have wide legs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You should try the stretchy jeans. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| They're like pajamas skinny. | ||
| Can they look like jeans? | ||
| I want to get skinny jeans. | ||
| Sometimes I see a guy like working at a kiosk for Verizon. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's got the skinny jeans on with his little reading. | |
| I wish I could look like that for a day. | ||
| If I can't with my fat, stumpy troll legs. | ||
| So I buy lucky jeans. | ||
| Plus, I like it when you unzip. | ||
| It says lucky you. | ||
|
unidentified
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I like that. | |
| I think that's a good thing. | ||
| Oh, thank you, Joe. | ||
| Lucky you. | ||
|
unidentified
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About to finna get some dick. | |
| About to finna get some dick. | ||
| If you're around this weekend, we're doing the Bray improv. | ||
| Brian's going to get up. | ||
| We're going to get him super baked like we always do and push him onto the stage. | ||
| It's like running with weights on, kid, okay? | ||
| It's like first day of jiu-jitsu class. | ||
| You're going to get tapped out. | ||
| All right. | ||
| This is what's going on. | ||
| You're going to have to go up there. | ||
| You're going to have to learn. | ||
| You're going to have to learn how to Jedi night this motherfucker. | ||
| It was weird how bad my nerves hit me in Florida. | ||
| The first time I went on stage, remember and I said my stomach hurt? | ||
| I was in pain. | ||
| Like somebody felt, it felt like somebody stabbed me and twisted it and ripped my insides for like a good 20 minutes. | ||
| Well, when did we tell you that you were going to go up? | ||
| Was it right before you went up? | ||
| Yeah, right before. | ||
| That's probably what it was. | ||
| If you had the whole day to think about it and prepare yourself, but when it's like, ready, go. | ||
| Then you're like, oh, shit, this is too much. | ||
| This is too confusing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think I'll be good now. | ||
| I go up so much now. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| I think that West Palm Beach was just so huge. | ||
| That was like 700, 800 people. | ||
| 650, I think. | ||
| They had TV screens halfway through, though, and it had the whole UFC thing where like halfway through, people were watching the TV screens and talking more than they were in the front. | ||
| There was a lot of times where I was like, yeah, I did good. | ||
| But then you talk to somebody that was sitting in the back and it was all right, man. | ||
| You know, like it was weird because people talked in the back. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's the biggest thing in the front. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird shape club, too. | ||
| It's not that it's so big. | ||
| It's weird shape. | ||
| It's a great club. | ||
| We had a good time there. | ||
| But when you get a big, anytime things get too big, it gets real risky. | ||
| You know, that's why we had to stop doing the House of Blues when we were doing people standing up. | ||
| We would do it and the show would turn to chaos. | ||
| Because everybody that was sitting down, it was cool, but there was 500 people that were standing. | ||
| And it's really hard to corral that many people once they're drinking. | ||
| And once there's other people talking and milling around like a bar, you feel like you're at a bar. | ||
| Like when you're at a bar, you're not quiet. | ||
| And where you're watching comedy on a TV, even though it's in front of you, that's not cool. | ||
| I think 400 is the max. | ||
| 400 to 500 people max. | ||
| Well, we talked about Larry the cable guy who does like football stadiums. | ||
| That's just weird. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I mean, I need to see that. | ||
| I saw it on Josh Wolfe's phone. | ||
| He showed it to me because Josh was opening for him and he goes, look at this. | ||
| We did a football stadium. | ||
| And I looked at him. | ||
| I'm like, that doesn't even look real. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| There's so many fucking people. | ||
| How does that work, though? | ||
| I mean, I would think that that's just, no one's, you have to all be quiet. | ||
| A stadium of people have been. | ||
| I think they're quieting me speaking of quiet. | ||
| I forgot to shut my refrigerator off. | ||
| It just seems like if it's a stadium and everyone's not being quiet, it's just a cluster fuck of people talking and having fun, and then there's a guy in the middle talking. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| That just does not seem like it works. | ||
| They're just such huge fans of his that they could never get enough shows in at a theater. | ||
| And even a fucking arena, man, even like the Staple Center. | ||
| I mean, think about what he's doing. | ||
| He's doing like three full staple centers a night. | ||
| And then how does Seinfeld do that? | ||
| Like, who else deal with the Black Tacos? | ||
| Like, I mean, how does that work with that many people? | ||
| That just seems like awful. | ||
| It just does as shit. | ||
| It never works as good. | ||
| The real bottom line about a big, big show is there's something that you gain because there's so much energy and there's so many people, but there's something that you lose. | ||
| Like there's a little bit of a connection that you lose. | ||
| And that's like, I've never done anything like that. | ||
| The most I've ever done is probably those Kevin and Bean shows. | ||
| We did like six or seven thousand people. | ||
| That's pretty fucking big. | ||
| Those were awesome. | ||
| But like, that's about as big as I've ever done. | ||
| And that's pretty crazy in and of itself. | ||
| You know, but when you talk about 50, 50,000? | ||
| How the fuck do you, how do you connect with 50,000 people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| It seems impossible. | ||
| It seems like you would have to do it with music and less. | ||
| They were all high as fuck. | ||
| Then I think you could pull it off. | ||
| Or they passed out like mouth, like things over their mouths. | ||
| Like you had to take their mouths off. | ||
| You don't want to be too far from them, though. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| The thing is the distance. | ||
| If you could figure out a way to get 50,000 people all on top of you, like maybe you were in like some sort of a balcony like on Tron with no bottom to it and you enter into this giant void of people where there's like a hundred Star Wars Star Wars exactly. | ||
| Like when Luke Skywalker, when he got his hand chopped off, that kind of shit. | ||
| That's the only way it would work. | ||
| You'd have to have people everywhere. | ||
| They couldn't just be just in front of you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This doesn't make any sense, does it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I just think you can't have too many people to show. | ||
| It won't be the same thing. | ||
| I like fucking 300 people. | ||
| I always say that. | ||
| 300 people is the most. | ||
| I like Sal's. | ||
| When we do Sal's Comedy Hall, it's like 80 people. | ||
| We're going to do that every week, folks. | ||
| Not this Wednesday, because we don't want to overstate our welcome. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| Yeah, tonight. | ||
| But next week. | ||
| And it's almost sold out already. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And once I get the guest list completely 100%, it's going to be probably the biggest, coolest show I've seen in the world. | ||
| Yeah, we've got a crazy lineup. | ||
| We can't even say who's on the lineup. | ||
| The people are weird like that. | ||
| Comics don't want to like, I don't want anyone to know that I'm working on new material. | ||
| Just go up there and eat dick every now and then. | ||
| You got to try new shit. | ||
| These clubs, like little clubs like Sal's, the best for trying out shit. | ||
| Little, like, tiny, little intimate rooms. | ||
| You know, you really know if it's right. | ||
| I like what Doug Benson, though, said the last time Sal's Comedy Pole. | ||
| Because it's a poll. | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| Yeah, he freaked me out, though, because he said it right before I was going on stage. | ||
| You know, when you're about to go on stage and you're trying to get into your frame of mind and someone's just talking to you, hey, Sal's Comedy Pole. | ||
| We should call it Sal's Comedy Pole. | ||
| I was like, whoa, get away from you quickly. | ||
| You're going to enter into my head. | ||
| When you're going on stage now, do you have a very specific thing that you try to say right away? | ||
| Because you've been doing it pretty steady now for what, six months now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I pretty much at Sal's every day, I just pretty much tried new ways to do bits or all new bits, like just practicing, like see if there's something there. | ||
| Like, you know, at least at least if there's a reason to go forward on certain bits. | ||
| And then sometimes it's like last night, I just thought of this whole new way to do all my bits, like a story that goes over all these little stories, like another layer, I guess, to make it sound more natural. | ||
| So that was a huge step in my stand-up last night was just doing it, doing my act now different. | ||
| That makes it more real. | ||
| Instead of going, hey, I was in this hotel in Vegas last week, which was true, but it also sounds like I'm doing a bit. | ||
| So now I have this way that I'm like, you know, talking about my mom doing these podcasts and stuff like that. | ||
| And then I start kind of going into bits like things I've talked about on the podcast. | ||
| Do you find yourself wanting to make errors in your personal life so that you have material? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you ever like dating porn stars and stuff? | |
| Do you ever look at your phone and think, well, I really should keep her out of my life. | ||
| But I need a new five minutes. | ||
| So let me just call this crazy horse. | ||
| I've never thought of that for bits or anything, but I think I've thought of that just to keep life interesting, definitely. | ||
| Well, as long as you're drinking, life's going to be interesting. | ||
| That's not fine. | ||
| You're going to fuck up. | ||
| You're going to do some stupid shit. | ||
| You're going to make some impulsive decisions. | ||
| As long as you're drinking, life will be interesting. | ||
| As long as you're out every night. | ||
| Yeah, life's going to be interesting. | ||
| You're going to have things to talk about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never have to worry. | ||
| You're going to do something stupid. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You know, especially if you're single and you're trying to prove yourself to girls and you're still not sure. | ||
| Not even that, it's just being out of the house and not watching TV. | ||
| But drinking. | ||
| When you're drinking and you're trying to make something happen with a girl, I mean, come on, yeah. | ||
| You know, that's where it gets the most ridiculous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where most of your materials come from. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I want to do another blackout cast, but I want to do it with like a celebrity girl. | ||
| Like, I want to get somebody like Lindsey Lohan. | ||
| Like, hey, would you want to do this podcast blackout cast? | ||
| Yeah, Lindsay Lohan definitely wants to do that, Brian. | ||
| It seems like an awesome idea for her to be in your fucking Ustream thing. | ||
| That would be like the best thing ever. | ||
| I mean, if I could do that. | ||
| No, you know, it would be the best thing ever. | ||
| A tree with money on it. | ||
| That would be the best thing ever. | ||
| The best thing ever would not be Lindsay Lohan's run. | ||
| You just haven't been there while it's happened. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, it ain't like the last ice age where fuck. | ||
| If I just lived 10,000 years ago. | ||
| No, you just have to live 10 blocks away. | ||
| If you just knew the right people, you could have been partying with Lindsey Lohan. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I think just as a podcast, how amazing would that be to do a bottle Jägermeister with Lindsey Lohan? | ||
| I don't think it'd be that amazing. | ||
| You would listen to it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I would listen to clips that they put on YouTube if you guys said something stupid. | ||
| But I wouldn't listen to the whole two hours of it. | ||
| Didn't you meet her once? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't you meet her? | |
| You drank with her. | ||
| You drank with her. | ||
| Tell me the whole story. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| My friend Michelle. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| I just said the first name. | ||
| She was having, like, she told us to go to this club where there was like, it was a bondage bar. | ||
| I think I've talked about this before, where there was like naked girls crawling on this net above you, like on the ceiling. | ||
| And there were like naked girls serving you drinks and like dancing around. | ||
| But it wasn't a strip club. | ||
| It was just a bar that you were allowed to, like a bondage bar or something. | ||
| I don't know what it's called. | ||
| But anyways, we're going there and we meet, we go to this table and it was like one of the service table, like tequila and a person making drinks, you know, around it. | ||
| And I was just hanging out there and suddenly I just looked to the right of me and I'm sitting, this was Lindsay Lohan's table. | ||
| And I was like, I guess they knew each other. | ||
| And so I'm just standing there staring at her. | ||
| Like I'm just dazed off. | ||
| Like I'm like, oh, that's Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| And then like, it was one of those things where she started staring at me. | ||
| Like, why is this guy staring at me? | ||
| And my eyes were like glazed over and I didn't realize it. | ||
| And then she just did that face like the, what the fuck, dude? | ||
| You know, type face. | ||
| I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going? | ||
| And I said something like small talk. | ||
| And then she just like turns around, walks out this door, the back alley door, passes out in her car. | ||
| The next morning on TMZ, there was the famous picture where she's passed out and she's like, whoa, like drilling on the side of her, inside of her car. | ||
| That was the night that I was with her. | ||
| And she was just drinking so much tequila that I guess. | ||
| But then the next day I tweeted something like, this is what happens when you hang out with Red Band or something. | ||
| I posted that photo. | ||
| Dude, how ridiculous. | ||
| I think I heard the doorbell, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to go check? | ||
| Yeah, go check. | ||
| Pete Johansen is supposed to be our guest. | ||
| And Pete's one of those motherfuckers that brings his girlfriend everywhere. | ||
| All right. | ||
| You know, he ain't here yet, so I'm going to throw him under the bus. | ||
| It's ridiculous, man. | ||
| I know you got a girlfriend. | ||
| You know, you can leave her at home every now and then. | ||
| Yeah, there's my doorbell. | ||
| Some people, man, they just bring their chick everywhere. | ||
| She's really nice, but, you know, if I was going to bring my chick, I'd say, hey, can I bring my chick over to your podcast? | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| Let's see if she says something stupid. | ||
| I don't think she will. | ||
| She's nice. | ||
| So he's in the middle. | ||
| I met Pete Johansson at Yuck Yuck's Comedy Club in Vancouver. | ||
| He's a very funny guy, and I had heard that he was a funny guy actually before that. | ||
| I think Doug Stanhope knew him. | ||
| And we went up there and did some sets at Yuck Yuck's, and it was a lot of fucking fun. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| Pete Johansson's here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You're going to be sitting right here. | ||
| Is that coffee? | ||
| Coffee is for closers. | ||
| Yeah, bring her in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's too strong. | |
| Well, she's got to come in because she can't wander the house. | ||
| My wife will freak. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan's a pit bull. | ||
| You can't have random chicks wandering around the house. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| I'm Aiden. | ||
| Welcome aboard. | ||
| Petro Hanson is a typical comedian. | ||
| I called him at 11. | ||
| I called him at 1. | ||
| Motherfucker was still sleeping. | ||
| What time did you sleep till? | ||
|
unidentified
|
2. | |
| Till 2? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your mic's not on yet. | ||
| Is it on now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little wind protector. | |
| Yeah, pop shields, baby. | ||
| We're all about protecting people's ears. | ||
| You woke up at 2? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking solid. | ||
| Solid stand-up comic party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did a bunch of weed last night and got in the hot tub and had a little post-Valentine's Day sex. | |
| And then did melatonin. | ||
| T-M-I, T-M-I, T-M-I, T-M-I. | ||
| Two people in the room. | ||
| They both fucked. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| I don't need to know about all these things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you've created two life forms of Joe. | |
| Celebrate it. | ||
| Life forms. | ||
| Celebrate. | ||
| Celebrate the life forms. | ||
| So, Pete is, well, Pete and I originally met. | ||
| We need a cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need coffee? | |
| All right. | ||
| Why don't you talk to Brian real quick? | ||
| We'll get your cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, man. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe's getting me a cup. | |
| So, how long have you been in LA for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been two weeks, man. | |
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How about you? | ||
| Eight years. | ||
| When are you guys going back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next Tuesday, back to London and then just freaking traveling for six months. | |
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable travel. | |
| So are you on the road all the time? | ||
| You travel all the time. | ||
| You're doing a stand-up comedy all the time. | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| How's it going? | ||
| Like, are you doing big places? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| I'm doing really well everywhere but the U.S. except the U.S. Do you spend a lot of time doing the clubs in the U.S. or you just don't have any kind of kind of stuff? | ||
| I got lots of connections. | ||
| I just stopped playing the U.S. about five, six years ago. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I bought you a Mad TV cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a part of Hollywood history. | |
| I present it for you. | ||
| Mad TV, I went to network on Mad TV and I faked the migraine so I didn't have to do my final audition and I just went home because I didn't want to be on the show. | ||
| Dude, good call. | ||
| I have had two friends from Mad TV, Bobby Lovely and Brian Callan, who's one of my best friends when I met him on it. | ||
| And both of them talked about the nightmare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just, the lady that was casting it, I don't want to say her name or anything, but she was a wing nut, man. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I've met some nutty casting ladies. | ||
| Most of them, they wanted to be No, I'm yay. | ||
| You good? | ||
| Most of them want to be actors, but for whatever reason, it just never cracks. | ||
| And then they have this weird power over people where they just decide whether or not you have a career. | ||
| Well, this one wanted to sleep with me. | ||
| Oh, ways. | ||
| She started taking me to parties before I even got the show and introduced me to her. | ||
| Oh, dude, you got to tell me her name. | ||
| No, wait a minute. | ||
| I'll tell you off there, but I bet it's the same one. | ||
| We got after a party. | ||
| She comes into the cabin. | ||
| I go, well, I met this girl. | ||
| She goes, it doesn't matter. | ||
| She sits on my lap. | ||
| She's got no panties on. | ||
| What color is her hair? | ||
| Blonde. | ||
| Yes, you motherfucker. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| About late 30s at the time? | ||
| No, at the time. | ||
| No, 40. | ||
| Early 30s. | ||
| Early 30s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
2099, 2009. | |
| Okay. | ||
| That sounds like the right girl. | ||
| We're going to have to talk off air. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, definitely off air. | ||
| She knew one who was a man-eater. | ||
| I've met a couple, yeah. | ||
| So this chick tries to get you. | ||
| Yeah, and obviously. | ||
| She puts her hand in your lap. | ||
| Oh, she sits on my lap and she's got no panties on. | ||
| She's just riding her vagina up and down like a nice little, I guess sort of like a bobsled up the... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Thinking that's the magic move to really get me. | ||
| Oh, wow, I didn't know you're going to put your wet vagina on my thigh. | ||
| Now I'm looking at it. | ||
| She's just giving you the green light. | ||
| I think for a lot of dudes, that's all you have to do. | ||
| I know, but I just met another girl, like just prior to it. | ||
| And I had this moral conundrum. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah, she would have been in your life. | ||
| You would have been her little bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She would have got you little things here and there. | ||
| You would have had to eat her ass. | ||
| It would have been terrible. | ||
| I love eating ass. | ||
| I don't even care if I know somebody that. | ||
| Do you want to be in the room for this? | ||
| You should see her ass. | ||
| It's like a fucking little heavenly dot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What did I say earlier? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, too much information. | |
| It looks like the skull I used to have. | ||
| So most of this is going to be on iTunes, so people can't see what the fuck we're talking about. | ||
| We do this part of it is for Ustream, though, and Ustream is like, I don't know, like, not even a quarter of what iTunes is. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Oh, very close. | ||
| And it sabotages our iTunes anyway, so it's kind of like... | ||
| A lot of people like just watching. | ||
| They like doing it at work. | ||
| They like to tune into it almost like it's some weird fucking ghetto TV show. | ||
| But I guess the new thing is subscriptions anyway. | ||
| So it's not about views. | ||
| It's about subscribe, subscribe, subscribe. | ||
| This is the cam right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like when I get the free chat sort of thing, I'm the girl on the bed going like this. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, do you... | ||
| Do you ever do those video things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I do it with my wife. | ||
| You do it with her? | ||
| Oh, when you guys are on the road or something? | ||
| Yeah, Skype with pretty nasty ones, yeah. | ||
| But what is up with those chicks that they sit in their room and then they just do requests from guys on the internet? | ||
| Is that what they do? | ||
| Yeah, it's like you rent a room. | ||
| It's kind of like doing a private dance with a stripper, but you do it on video. | ||
| You know, give credit cards and you could tip if, hey, like, put this in your butthole. | ||
| I'll give you an extra $20. | ||
| It's kind of like, you know. | ||
| How big of a business is that? | ||
| It must be huge. | ||
| That's pretty much what porn stars are relying on to live, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| With piracy right now, I think people want the intimacy issue of those things. | ||
| And that's where they make the most of the money because everybody just pirates all the porn right now. | ||
| And none of the studios are making much money. | ||
| I was just talking, a friend of mine runs Bluebird, which is one of the bigger porn companies. | ||
| And the piracy is killing them. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It was a huge business. | ||
| You're talking about their business has been gutted. | ||
| It's really kind of funny because who decides what business is worthy of a bailout? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that. | ||
| You know, if you think about that, man, who's been hit harder than the porn companies? | ||
| Yeah, the Valley could use some lifting. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, though. | ||
| I mean, why is it okay if this part of the economy fails and this not? | ||
| Like, why is that? | ||
| You know, it's considered like cigarettes. | ||
| It's considered a vice. | ||
| Really, though, I mean, it's a weird call when it gets to like billions. | ||
| It's in the billions of dollars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's dissolved and it's done through piracy. | ||
| First of all, no one gives a shit about the piracy. | ||
| Like, no, like all those sites, UPorn, UJIS. | ||
| From what I understand, the laws of copyright and clips, it's like really difficult to copyright sex. | ||
| All of those types, UPorn, XXX Tube, all those things, as of two weeks ago, joined with the porn companies. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, as a huge consortium. | ||
| They're coming on board together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's a major announcement in the porn industry. | |
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| Yeah, it fucking sucks. | ||
| Why does it suck? | ||
| Because that's not my kind of porn. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What's gay porn doing? | ||
| I want the fucking... | ||
| Here's us fucking videos. | ||
| I don't want these fake videos. | ||
| You should keep our picture. | ||
| I got some freaking massive stuff on there. | ||
| So you like the amateur shit. | ||
| You like really obvious. | ||
| Just two people with a video camera. | ||
| It's like watching a sitcom nowadays and watching a reality show to me almost. | ||
| I can't watch a sitcom anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| There's things that curb your enthusiasm that I like because that's more realistic than a laugh track and a setup pipeline. | ||
| No one talks over anyone ever. | ||
| It doesn't work for me anymore. | ||
| What about different countries' sitcoms? | ||
| I feel that way about American, but what about Peep Show? | ||
| Have you ever seen Peep Show? | ||
| No, no, they do kind of work better for me just because it's a little bit different. | ||
| I don't get the cheese and all that as much. | ||
| What is it, a European show? | ||
| It's a British show. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Is it Peep Show? | ||
| Yeah, Peep Show is really good. | ||
| A lot of people are reluctant to try that British comedy out. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Especially The Office is one of the first ones that I really caught onto, the original Office. | ||
| That's brilliant. | ||
| I love Extras. | ||
| Stephen Merchant as the agent in Extras is just freaking brilliant. | ||
| Mickey Gervais, for whatever reason, was never really on my radar. | ||
| I just never paid attention until, I mean, everybody always said The Office was great, but I never watched it until that fucking speech at the Golden Globes. | ||
| He was crushing everybody. | ||
| And then I said, all right, well, this guy's fucking hilarious. | ||
| You know, I'm going to pay attention to him now. | ||
| My buddy opens for him on the road on his tour, Stuart Francis, and just says he's a brilliant guy to hang out with. | ||
| Just really vested in. | ||
| He never was traditionally a stand-up, and he's one of those guys that fell in love with it after the fact. | ||
| You know how other people get into this and exploit it after the fact? | ||
| Like the screeches. | ||
| Can I say these people? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| You know, those shitbags. | ||
| And they come on and they try to make their money off of their former notoriety. | ||
| Whereas he's notoriety. | ||
| So he came into stand-up because he realized it was a platform that just challenged him. | ||
| And it's actually a stand-up. | ||
| He's really pushing himself to be as good a stand-up as possible. | ||
| And I kind of respect that on some levels. | ||
| Yeah, oh, for sure. | ||
| How long has he been doing stand-up then? | ||
| I think about three years. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So before he was just a writer and did acting and stuff? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people that don't do stand-up that could do stand-up. | ||
| I always tell people, you know, it's just a matter of time, just figuring it out. | ||
| It's just a rhythm, a frequency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta figure out how to Jana Dierman. | |
| We need to get her on the podcast. | ||
| We need to talk to her. | ||
| We're like, hey, you need to do comedy. | ||
| She's like, the porn. | ||
| That's a crazy porn star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I met her. | ||
| I mean, she's totally somebody that should start doing comedy. | ||
| Yeah, she's very smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, you could read that from her tweets. | ||
| She has some smart shit. | ||
| Have you read Katie Kobayashi's tweets? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Kim Kobayashi? | ||
| She's the funniest girl tweets on the internet. | ||
| She's from Japan. | ||
| She's this off-the-dark, twisted, very funny girl. | ||
| Worse than Bri Olson's. | ||
| Have you read Bri Olsen's Twitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Have you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bree Olsen's Twitter is ridiculous. | ||
| It's all loads and dicks in her. | ||
| And I wish this guy would fuck me or I just fucked. | ||
| Well, Kim's funny, though. | ||
| Like, she's satirical. | ||
| She's funny too. | ||
| She's funny in that bang. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Oh, this is good coffee. | ||
| Did you make this? | ||
| Yeah, it's Kona coffee, bro. | ||
| It's from Hawaii. | ||
| It's filtered through raccoon's butts. | ||
| This is the stuff they pull out of Meerkat's house? | ||
| No, I've had that stuff. | ||
| It's 40 bucks a pound. | ||
| I made Brian drink it before I told him what it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was pretty good. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| Very nutty. | ||
| Yeah, that's called Kopiluak. | ||
| Sorry, we haven't seen that yet. | ||
| Well, you haven't seen the medical weed yet? | ||
| No, we haven't. | ||
| I don't want to get my name on a list. | ||
| Oh, because it just depends how high you are on the list. | ||
| I have to explain why. | ||
| My wife's Canadian, right? | ||
| we're going to get her American citizenship when we come back in September. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I don't want any risk of... | |
| You're talking about something that you're scared to be on a list that if you get caught smoking outside, it says $79 ticket. | ||
| Like, who cares? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like, I'm on a list for Jerry Walker because he's from another country. | |
| Yeah, immigration is different. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a medicine. | ||
| If you get a license. | ||
| It's federal, it's illegal still. | ||
| Yeah, he's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, until we're fully taken over by the U.S., we have to honor your laws. | ||
| That's simple. | ||
| Yeah, you're never going to be taken over because we need a place to escape. | ||
| It's always going to keep it separate. | ||
| That's so gay with an H. I'm firing up the volcano. | ||
| That's what you hear in the background. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one we almost bought in Amsterdam. | ||
| We spent our honeymoon in Amsterdam. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I heard you're not allowed to buy mushrooms anymore in England. | ||
| We were there the last day you could get mushrooms for legal. | ||
| We did, oh, it was awesome. | ||
| The last day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know why they did? | ||
| Because two French girls fell off of a bridge and drowned. | ||
| You know, come on. | ||
| Insert Bill Hicks joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can still buy truffle. | |
| You can still buy truffles? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You can still buy the roots of the mushroom. | ||
| You can't buy them. | ||
| Does that do anything? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They screw up, but you have to eat more and it tastes worse. | ||
| You have to eat more and it tastes worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, peas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can take this off, too. | |
| We're pretty warm in here. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, hit it. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| This will be good for the drive home. | ||
| What do you want to take this off to the past? | ||
| Okay, don't hit it. | ||
| You want to hit it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| This is just tobacco, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's totally tobacco. | ||
| It's herbs and spices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that must be a menthol. | |
| I had an email from a guy who said, you shouldn't smoke the marijuana on the podcast. | ||
| It's like athletes. | ||
| I don't want to see them training. | ||
| I just want to see them competing in their sport. | ||
| I'm like, what a fucking bizarre analogy. | ||
| Like, that makes zero sense. | ||
| That's the kind of analogy that you would get from someone who would tell you not to smoke pot on a podcast where you're obviously baked out of your head. | ||
| I need to get a volcano. | ||
| you need to get a volcano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If there's anyone in the volcano company, They're not watching this. | |
| We have the different type of vaporizer. | ||
| We have the wooden case one. | ||
| Yeah, those are good too. | ||
| They did, but they burn out really quickly. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Well, you're a fucking savage. | ||
| If you're burning out vaporizers, Jesus Christ. | ||
| We're on number three right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Dude, it might be time to call Dr. Drew. | ||
| Burning out vaporizers. | ||
| Wait, wait, I got to chill out. | ||
| I got to go pick up my mom at the hotel. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Brian's getting baked as fuck. | ||
| Hey, my mom. | ||
| Mom's going to pick up his back in the box. | ||
| His mom's going to come over to his house with a black light and search for loads. | ||
| Mom's going to see Tron. | ||
| That would have been way better if I didn't cough on loads. | ||
| Your entire room would look like Tron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With all the black light reflection. | ||
| Just like streams of racing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you ever watch those shows on the wall like little scare buddies? | |
| It's probably a maze. | ||
| I could probably play a game. | ||
| You ever watch those exposés where they go to hotel rooms and scan everything with black lights? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate that. | |
| Horrific. | ||
| For somebody that lives in hotels. | ||
| You live in hotels too. | ||
| Like, I can't deal with that. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They showed this thing about bacteria content of the covers because they never washed the covers in the hotel. | ||
| Or the cups. | ||
| Have you ever seen the cups? | ||
| Because they don't take the cups down to the dishwasher. | ||
| They fucking sit there and wash them in the sink. | ||
| And sometimes people are just like, wash it out, put it in there. | ||
| They fucking took a sample off the cup, and it was like crazy shit, like feces. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| I think it was feces everywhere. | ||
| I ate mine or something. | ||
| How many people are naked just sitting around with their naked asshole touching the couch and touching the office chair? | ||
| I come everywhere. | ||
| I had a friend stay at my house that did that. | ||
| Wait, why are you kicking me? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| A friend that stayed at your house just left his fucking wet butthole all over the place? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He sits on my kitchen counter naked with his butt on it. | |
| Is he seen one of those guys trying to be funny? | ||
| Is he one of those guys who tries too fucking hard? | ||
| Why do you hang out with naked guys? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| We don't get along anymore. | ||
| This is a while ago. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Because he tried too hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I asked him to leave and he couldn't understand why. | |
| It's a very weird thing when people don't want to leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| You ever have someone over your house and you tell them to leave and they're like, no, I'm not going anywhere. | ||
| And you're like, oh, fucking, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have not had that. | |
| What is this? | ||
| We're at my house and I don't want you here, but you want to stay, you fucking strange asshole? | ||
| That just says that you have too nice of a place. | ||
| Is that what it says? | ||
| No, I don't think that's what it says. | ||
| You have to have a shitty ante-room that you don't let people pass where nobody's comfortable. | ||
| I think what I'm saying is that some people just don't want to be rejected. | ||
| No, that's true. | ||
| That's the problem with women when they break up with men, right? | ||
| I mean, it's always obsessed, like, fucking nutty men. | ||
| You know, that's got to be the hardest thing ever when chicks break up with guys and they just don't let it go. | ||
| They keep fucking chasing them down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I don't know if I've had that happen. | ||
| To you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean as a girl? | ||
| Are you a woman? | ||
| Oh, I thought you were talking in the other direction, man. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I've never freaked out and chased down a chick either. | ||
| But I was talking to a guy the other day, and he seemed like a real nice guy. | ||
| And just moved out here from New York, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| We're talking. | ||
| And he just starts going on, man. | ||
| I was living with this girl, man. | ||
| Everything was going great. | ||
| And then one day, she cooks me dinner and she tells me she doesn't think it's going to work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, what the fuck? | |
| You fucking cooked me dinner for this? | ||
| You sat me down? | ||
| And then, so then he goes into like this other fucking heartache, this other heartbreak, and he couldn't fucking eat and he lost 30 pounds. | ||
| Like he keeps going into these heart, one heartbreak after another, you know, because I'm sympathetic. | ||
| I'm like, wow, man, that fucking sucks. | ||
| So he just keeps going. | ||
| And I'm like, damn, dude, at the third one, the third one, you might want to get a mirror. | ||
| You might want to get a mirror and just record yourself talking to people and play it back when you're high. | ||
| You know, like, does that seem douchey? | ||
| Do you seem crazy? | ||
| Are you obsessive? | ||
| Are you annoying? | ||
| Are you fucking wearing people out? | ||
| Are you an emotional vampire? | ||
| You know, what are you doing? | ||
| Are you an energy leech? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| You can't have that many terrible, heartbreaking relationships where girls dump you. | ||
| Well, yeah, without taking one shit. | ||
| Girls don't want to dump you, dude. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Girls like guys that are nice and they're fun and they're going to get their shit together. | ||
| But they also want guys that are confident, too. | ||
| If you're not confident, girls run for the hills. | ||
| Yeah, and especially if you don't make them feel like you're having fun. | ||
| I mean, life is supposed to be about you get a bunch of people together, you all enjoy each other's company, you have fun. | ||
| But if you got someone who's like creating artificial drama and you feel better when you're not with them, it's just a matter of time before you wisen up and kick that. | ||
| How would it occur? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Step. | |
| If you're not in love with yourself first. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have a fucking motivational speeching career. | |
| You should, dude. | ||
| You should have a CD. | ||
| You should be late at night. | ||
| I can see you. | ||
| Suit and a tie. | ||
| Maybe a wacky tie, something with polka dots. | ||
| But you're so happy and smiling. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| I mean, look at my mansion. | ||
| Remember that guy, the fucking Vietnamese dude? | ||
| would sell real estate. | ||
| Look what I have here. | ||
| I can do that voice because my wife's Asian. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| What was that guy's name? | ||
| You know all the Asians. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| You guys are tight, right? | ||
| You guys all work together to take over the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the deal with the little shark guy with the money. | |
| The guy who was on the late night thing where he was selling, whatever, Somebody's phone. | ||
| The guy, the late night thing, he was selling real estate. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He had the two girls with him in the car. | ||
| And like a Rolls-Royce or something like that. | ||
| And it's funny because that's all first-generation immigration to the U.S. always has that reflexive of the idea of what they think the U.S. is versus what it truly is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and that first reflection view of it is just lots of flashy wealth. | ||
| Tell me, Pete Johansen, as an outsider, as a non-American, what is it? | ||
| You're both. | ||
| You're a double agent. | ||
| Remember what we were saying earlier about CIA? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a sleeper Canadian. | |
| So what is America? | ||
| America is, actually, it sounds corny, but America, the thing that separates Americans from everybody else is that sort of sublime, unkillable hope. | ||
| Like they always say, if you meet an American, eventually, someday they all believe that one day they're going to be rich. | ||
| And they vote now for when that's going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Canadians don't think they're going to be rich ever. | |
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just, as long as we don't get fired at the post office, you know. | |
| Is that why Canadians are friendlier? | ||
| Is that why they're friendlier? | ||
| I mean, is it good to have that hope and be cunty because you're chasing it down? | ||
| I don't know what's better, to be completely honest with you, because, I mean, some of the greatest things in the world have taken place because of that ambition and hope. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| At the same point, some of the most compassionate things in the world take place because of, I think, of a lot of the Canadian principles and ideals. | ||
| We're very compassionate people. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fine fucking dance, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, it's a fine dance between the two ideas. | ||
| And the problem with American is that go get it and go get them, fucking, you know, chase down your dreams, all that shit leads to a lot of douchebags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| Not everybody. | ||
| I mean, not everybody who's ambitious is douchey about it. | ||
| Well, this is the Harry Potter generation, too. | ||
| Like, everybody expects these great things to show up now. | ||
| And that drive to create doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| Like, I mean, we're raising our kids, telling them special without telling them, hey, you're not special. | ||
| You're all exactly the same, but you can work hard and become special. | ||
| Well, they've also introduced this new thing, the celebrity lottery by way of reality shows. | ||
| Now it's literally the lottery. | ||
| Because you're not talking about anybody with any talent whatsoever. | ||
| There's nothing fascinating about them. | ||
| They don't have a great job. | ||
| They're just fucking retards. | ||
| And if you follow these retards around, you get to know who they are, and then all of a sudden the fucking story takes place because now you know her and you know she doesn't like Deb and Tony used to date her and fuck I'm locked into this now and do you know how many of those shows they will follow around Nothing fucking happens, so they have to artificially create tension by writing it in. | ||
| That's how shitty their lives are, dude. | ||
| That's why Duncan Trussell didn't do the comedy store one when they were doing one at the comedy store. | ||
| The reason we stepped out of it, he didn't want to do it. | ||
| You know, they were going to like create things. | ||
| Artificial tension. | ||
| We have to go. | ||
| All right, this is what we're going to do. | ||
| You're going to go to lunch and you're going to go to the first place, but nobody likes it. | ||
| And then you're going to go to the second place and nobody likes it. | ||
| And then you're going to go to the third place, you're going to get in a big argument, and you're going to settle on the third place. | ||
| It was just like ridiculous nonsense shit, like to create, like you're following. | ||
| Like, how's this end? | ||
| How's it end? | ||
| Like, just enough to get that low-watt frequency where you're half awake and barely paying attention. | ||
| You're not even engaged at all. | ||
| But you're following this fucking nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| Yeah, the cusp of what they consider entertainment now is just so fucking... | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Is it because people are fucking tired? | ||
| Is it like you get home from work and you're exhausted and you're working all day chasing a dream and most people are in debt and they just want some nonsense escape without too much thinking? | ||
| There's enough wealth in our Western society that we don't have to work this hard to survive. | ||
| We're sort of being run on a treadmill on purpose. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| Is that true though? | ||
| Because the financial system is so fucking entangled. | ||
| If you divided up the top, even half of the top wealth in this country, still allowing them to be wealthy, but at a half percent, half of what they are, you'd have enough to raise almost everybody out of poverty in this country. | ||
| Right, but you could never do that. | ||
| I mean, what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to make them give up their money? | ||
| Is you going to make them fork over half their cash because they were more successful than everybody else? | ||
| Success is a relative term. | ||
| If I could argue against pure unadulterated capitalism, there's the infrastructure on some level that is dependent upon the creation of the entire society, be it the highways, the phone lines, the code of laws, the way we treat ourselves. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They're beneficial of that thing, which is society. | ||
| Therefore, it's up to us to use our system in order to succeed to a certain degree. | ||
| Sure, it's a certain amount of resources, but do you think that the wealthy man deserves to pay much more resources than the poor man? | ||
| Or should it be a percentage of what they earn? | ||
| A percentage of what they earn. | ||
| It should be a flat percentage of what they earn across the board. | ||
| But I think where they really should get dinged is at death. | ||
| I don't believe in inheritance. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| But what if you want your kids to have it? | ||
| It's your wish. | ||
| You're going to go steal that guy's money? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You had a son and your son was an awesome guy and he loved to surf and you didn't want him to have to get a job. | ||
| You're like, look, bro, I'm going to give you my million dollars and then you live a frugal life and you'll never have to work again and then you could just surf. | ||
| A little bit's fine, but I don't believe it. | ||
| Not fucking all my money. | ||
| I want to give it to my kids. | ||
| A million bucks. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That just produces a fucking monarchy or a royal class of douchebags. | ||
| Why is that so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Why is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you have money that you want to give to a kid, you love your kid and you want to leave him your money, you're saying he shouldn't be able to get your money? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| All of it, no, I don't believe that. | ||
| That's absolutely ridiculous. | ||
| So you think the government should come in and regulate where your money goes? | ||
| Well, I'd like to encourage them to give it away before they die. | ||
| You know where it's going to go? | ||
| It's going to go to government agencies. | ||
| That's where it's going to go. | ||
| It's going to get chopped up. | ||
| The Carnegie Foundation or the Foundation or perhaps some of the great foundations that have changed the face of the world in philanthropy. | ||
| That would be a different way to go, like the Rockefeller Society. | ||
| These groups have done and created great systems of art that wouldn't have created without their money. | ||
| But no, or you could hold on to it with both your little hands and then the government pries it out and builds a highway. | ||
| Yeah, but why would anyone have the right to say what you can and cannot leave for your children? | ||
| Well, it's money. | ||
| It's your business. | ||
| You made that money. | ||
| It's your money. | ||
| You didn't make it. | ||
| Money itself is kind of an illusion of debt against the whole. | ||
| Okay, but you were far more successful than most and you accumulated a mass amount of whatever the fuck you want to call money. | ||
| And it's your thing. | ||
| I'm not saying it's not. | ||
| It's your remnant of your work. | ||
| And if you decide that you want to give it to your kid, maybe your kid has an idea. | ||
| Maybe your kid wants to invest an incredible amount in clean energy and fucking dedicated himself to that. | ||
| Well, whatever the fuck he wants to do. | ||
| If it's your kid, no, why should you have to? | ||
| Why would you have more government evasion your life? | ||
| Who's going to run these foundations? | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Fucking weirdos, man. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I don't like most of the people in government. | ||
| I don't think government's the answer to a lot of things, but I don't think that we should be creating hierarchical sort of niches in society reflective of the feudalist domination that we used to have when we were serfs. | ||
| And that's what this concentration of wealth that's not divided after is created. | ||
| But that's ridiculous, because what if this guy built it up from scratch all on his own? | ||
| He wants to give it to his children because they aided him in getting to that position by giving him a stable family and giving him love and support that enabled him to be super successful. | ||
| If their kids aided them in the creation of it, then the kids earned money on the process and they should have lots of money from their own endeavors on the same path, like the Walmart family. | ||
| Wow, dude, that's some crazy socialism. | ||
| I don't know if it's socialism. | ||
| It's absolutely socialism. | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to leave your kid enough money to survive and you're not going to have to get a great life. | |
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Don't you people know how to just plug into the wall like R2D2 and protect your voice? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just saying you would obviously leave your kid enough to be able to survive and have a great life. | |
| The only money that would go to the government or to the country would be excess wealth. | ||
| By whose judgment is excess wealth? | ||
| Excess wealth to Sylvester Stallone is different than excess wealth to Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it would be in the amount that it is. | |
| Just a comfortable life. | ||
| Yeah, I just, I think that there should be a recreation of how we strive after things. | ||
| I don't think money is the best answer to things. | ||
| And I think that we've came up with capitalism. | ||
| I don't think socialism is the answer or communism. | ||
| But I think that we should evolve past currency at some point. | ||
| We should be trying to do something else. | ||
| I mean, what if you could only make a certain amount of money and then you got like titles or more rights and certain things like that? | ||
| I think that would be more appealing on some levels. | ||
| You know, creating the gentleman class, creating exclusionary areas that people that strive to sort of, you know, be more can have. | ||
| People would call that social engineering. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It depends on who's engineering, really. | ||
| I mean, it's the divine enlightened person. | ||
| Not one. | ||
| How about all of them throughout history? | ||
| Everyone who gets to a position of power, absolutely, power, without a doubt, corrupts absolutely. | ||
| It's an age-old quote for a reason, you know? | ||
| Yeah, and the system will fall down and be ready. | ||
| Men have dicks. | ||
| Dicks work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For you when you come from Canada because it works there. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know what I mean? | |
| It completely works. | ||
| Nobody strives to be super rich because your quality of life won't be that much different than being poor. | ||
| I think people strive. | ||
| Everybody, in every group, there's going to be people striving to be great. | ||
| You don't think your quality of life is better if you're rich than if you're not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, in Canada, it's better, but it's not like it. | |
| The thing is the difference between poor and rich is much greater here than like the if you're the richest guy in a city like the city I come from it's 90,000 people so if you're the richest guy in that city and you're like middle class or lower class in that city you have a general quality of life in that city about equal if not a maybe a little worse because maybe they have something cool in their house i would not trust social engineering to to many people you know i don't i don't think many people would have the right intentions and | ||
| And once they get into a position of power, it's up to them to decide where money goes and which agencies get allocated. | ||
| I mean, I don't trust them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not by a long shot. | ||
| I'm with you with not trusting. | ||
| But I see what you're saying on paper. | ||
| I see what you're saying on paper. | ||
| But I'm saying that there's no reason why we shouldn't be striving to be better than what we are now where we wouldn't trust people like this. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't think the way is to the real way is to encourage philanthropy and love and to encourage it, though, but not to mandate it, not to get in and decide. | ||
| But some group of people just gank someone's resources because they left this dimension. | ||
| But there's so many people that exist right now that I think that are, and maybe this is probably naive because I'm sure they've existed all throughout time, but they're just more in the eye of the media or people or whatever. | ||
| I've never seen a level of greed that I've seen now in this generation. | ||
| I think it's natural. | ||
| I think it's natural, of course, because it's from when we were pack animals and we were surviving and fighting for every little thing. | ||
| We get our paws on to mate and survive and eat. | ||
| But at some point, I mean, now that we're all kind of fat, we should start working on not being so greedy. | ||
| And that level of greed shouldn't be sort of rewarded by this. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think greed should be rewarded on the level of compassion should be. | ||
| Education should be. | ||
| This society is propelled forward by technology and innovation and success. | ||
| For each individual person has moved to money, whereas it used to be status in society. | ||
| Not for all of them. | ||
| Okay, let's just take an example of the 1800s. | ||
| In New York, let's say you made your money through spurious means. | ||
| Let's say you were a loan shark, if you will. | ||
| And you're very wealthy in society. | ||
| You still couldn't get a reservation at most fine places because you weren't a gentleman. | ||
| You weren't considered of the class or the ilk that they would like to serve. | ||
| And that sounds awful in modern day terms because we're this egalitarian equal society. | ||
| Well, it's a caste system. | ||
| It defines people. | ||
| But to a certain degree, there's something wonderful about ascertaining to a status in society as well as a wealth in society. | ||
| You know, like respect. | ||
| Respect by how, though? | ||
| Isn't the respect and no... | ||
| That's family respect. | ||
| Family? | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I mean, isn't it like with caste systems, isn't it? | ||
| Where you come from? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What kind of a... | ||
| This would be an earned gentleman class. | ||
| Oh, so you would create a new caste system. | ||
| That's what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, you'd follow a code of being fair and just and compassionate. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's always good to do that. | ||
| You know, it's always good to be fair and just and nice to people. | ||
| I think that's what we have to encourage. | ||
| Instead of deciding where people's money goes and doesn't go, that's too much government, man. | ||
| It's too many people. | ||
| Too many people fucking with money. | ||
| Too many people become greedy. | ||
| Too many people engage in corruption. | ||
| I mean, politicians have shown themselves over and over and over again to be embedded with corruption to the point where it's legal. | ||
| I mean, corruption is... | ||
| How is lobbying? | ||
| Campaign funding, right? | ||
| Campaign funding and lobbying. | ||
| You'll never solve a problem in this country until campaign funding is gone. | ||
| I 100% agree with you. | ||
| Like, not a single thing can be tackled. | ||
| And, you know, people have to abandon the idea of a two-party system, too. | ||
| We have to abandon the idea that these two people are the only ideas out there and that they're diametrically opposed from each other and they're battling constantly. | ||
| They're ridiculous. | ||
| Most of us are hybrids. | ||
| Most of us are a conglomeration of conservative and liberal thinking. | ||
| And, you know, they pit ideas against each other's ideas to keep this battle back and forth. | ||
| Because it goes with our monkey tribal instincts to be on a fucking team. | ||
| You know, that's a problem. | ||
| So our whole political system is a problem. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Our whole financial system is a problem. | ||
| But as long as everyone is playing the capitalist game, which is what they are. | ||
| I mean, everybody that works is playing this capitalist game. | ||
| Just because someone's a bad motherfucker at it doesn't mean you get to take his ball when he dies. | ||
| You know, I mean, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants with that. | ||
| If we're all going to play this game. | ||
| I see what you're saying, though, that we shouldn't play all this game. | ||
| And that if the society was utopian and if society was if we really came to some point of enlightenment where we really treated each other like brothers and sisters and all kind of work together. | ||
| And instead of money, figure out some strange sort of a barter system or get what you need because I know you have good character and you contribute because you're conscientious. | ||
| Have that like a universal across the board thing. | ||
| But that's not human beings. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You're talking about an enlightened being. | ||
| But that's not what we are now. | ||
| We should be trying to evolve. | ||
| We should be. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of the goal. | ||
| Maintaining the status quo doesn't help us as a creature. | ||
| We should always be striving to become this better thing. | ||
| Well, you are. | ||
| We are. | ||
| You are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are. | |
| We are. | ||
| I slept until 2. | ||
| Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
| You're not hurting anybody. | ||
| You're doing comedy. | ||
| You're spreading fun everywhere you go. | ||
| I mean, it's not. | ||
| I mean, we're defining the whole group together. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think there's a lot of enlightened people and there's a lot of people that are thinking about things a lot differently than they were 10 years ago or 20 years ago. | ||
| It's changing. | ||
| Because of this, because the Internet is a big part of it. | ||
| Because we're all talking to each other. | ||
| And also because the Internet's allowing some extreme points of view to come and talk to each other where they're forced to be isolatory before. | ||
| Especially, I think, when it comes to, I mean, everybody's arguing that it's allowing the fringe groups to become more radical. | ||
| And it does to a certain degree. | ||
| But at the same point, you can reach out in an instant and communicate with somebody from a differing point of view now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas you never used to do that. | ||
| If you grew up in a really tiny white town in Idaho or whatever, you know, like that, you might not ever be. | ||
| meet another race in general or whatever and so i think that the as much as people are complaining oh this is bringing us way more together than we've ever been yeah i agree with you i agree with you i agree with you i mean when you look at the sheer numbers i mean there should be fights and deaths on the street all day it should be you know the sheer numbers of people there's there's so many goddamn people it's amazing that people aren't killing each other more than they are yeah you know it really is amazing you know yeah especially with the driving here there's a message board that i go to and one of the reasons why i go to is because it's not it's the the mixmartial arts.com it's | ||
| It's an interesting message board because there's a lot of intelligent people, and then there's a lot of super retards on there, too. | ||
| And the super retards will jump on, and they're like, It's always the same story with these libs. | ||
| They use libs talk. | ||
| And oh, my God. | ||
| And it goes the other way, too. | ||
| There's a lot of dudes who shit on conservatives, and they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. | ||
| My brother just directed a film called Atlas Shrugged. | ||
| I heard of it. | ||
| And Ran. | ||
| It's an incredibly right-wing philosophy. | ||
| Did this just get done? | ||
| went up on the but i i go on and i was reading all the comments on it and it's all left-wing white or right-wing everything this massive argument i'm like both sides sounds like idiots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So silly. | |
| You pick a fucking team, it's like you pick an argument. | ||
| But then it's interesting because we have some completely different point of views when it comes to economics. | ||
| Obviously, you have a very Milton Friedman-esque sort of point of view. | ||
| No, I'm inside the workings of this society without completely recreating it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But if you want to completely recreate it, I agree with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I'm just saying that while we're all playing this game, this is a good thing. | ||
| That's why the healthcare thing, like the whole thing with Obamacare and stuff like that, it's caused such a turmoil and stuff like that. | ||
| And I kind of agree. | ||
| I don't think it's going to work that well. | ||
| I think it's very important to be aware of all the goodness. | ||
| It's very important to be aware of your own ideas of evolution, your own ideas of looking at things in a more loving and peaceful way. | ||
| But you also got to be aware that a lot of dudes are cunts. | ||
| And you can't let cunts get in the way of that. | ||
| But why do they become cunts? | ||
| Because life's a lot of them. | ||
| Their parents didn't raise them. | ||
| Most of it. | ||
| Most of it's their parents or some terrible thing happened to them when they were young or just shitty household, lots of abuse. | ||
| And I came from an awful, like, my parents were awful abusive and stuff like that. | ||
| But that's probably why you're so introspective, you know, because you were forced to think on your own. | ||
| I think a lot of astounding people that I've met, a lot of exceptional people, have come from some point of great strife. | ||
| The universe doesn't create diamonds, you know, just by pillows smashing together. | ||
| Some shit has to happen. | ||
| It's like Al Binos. | ||
| I was watching Powder last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's amazing. | |
| I think he was hit by lightning. | ||
| Or is that John Travolta? | ||
| Which one was hit by lightning? | ||
| Why is there so many movies about retards who become super fucking smart? | ||
| That's like the new Wolfman. | ||
| Well, it's again that Harry Potter fantasy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody wants to work hard at being a genius. | |
| They don't want to have to fucking study. | ||
| But boy, if some lightning would strike me and all of a sudden I can do a calculator, I'm the Apple Dumpling game. | ||
| What happened to John Travolta? | ||
| Did he get hit by lightning or was it a UFO? | ||
| Something happened to him. | ||
| He was also an angel. | ||
| He became a lot more ways than one, bro. | ||
| No, no, no, the movie Angel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's Michael. | |
| Michael Michael. | ||
| He was an angel in that one? | ||
| Yeah, I actually saw that in the movie theater and I feel like shitting myself. | ||
| He was an angel in Michael. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like it's all the roles you can play when you've cleared your thetans. | |
| You're enjoying this. | ||
| Put their headphones on so you know when you're talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll feel it better. | |
| When Scientology clears you, those are the only roles you can do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Wrap your head around that shit. | ||
| Have you been reading about that guy? | ||
| Michael Maskovich? | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Higgs, the guy who's suing Scientology? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the screenplay writer. | |
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, he's Canadian. | |
| Yeah, and he's for the last... | ||
| Yeah, and for the last fucking hit... | ||
| And for the last 35 years, he's saying that now he realizes that he's been in a cult. | ||
| Like, I don't buy that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't buy it? | |
| Okay, I don't buy that you didn't look the whole time you were there. | ||
| You didn't think about what you were doing. | ||
| You're this brilliant screenwriter, and you're telling me after 35 years, you just realize it's a cult now. | ||
| And you just realized they don't like homosexuals? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| You're fucking sitting there in a desk staring at some other half-wit across from you, and you're holding two fucking soup cans connected by strings that are attached to this meter. | ||
| And you're telling me that you just now figured out that you've been an occult. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That one was, though. | |
| Which one? | ||
| What the one thing that they did that was weird that sentiment was. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| They're against homosexuals yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It seems to fucking return. | |
| They're remembership. | ||
| Well, they believe that you can cure it. | ||
| They believe that you can cure homosexuality somehow or other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cats. | |
| Coffee and fake wives and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how they do it. | |
| Hold some chick's hand and walk in front of a camera and cured. | ||
| A string of blockbusters is what you need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Boy, man. | ||
| Scientology, man. | ||
| The wheels really came off that machine. | ||
| When John Travolta, that video got released online of him, the indoctrination speech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you see a car accident and you know you have to pull over because you're a Scientologist and you're the only one that can help. | |
| Like, you're the only one that can help. | ||
| Find that, Brian. | ||
| Find that shit and queue it up because it is bananas. | ||
| It's one of my favorite videos on the internet. | ||
| It's a fucking genius, man. | ||
| But how does this guy not know back then? | ||
| I bet you it won't be online. | ||
| I bet you they pulled it down. | ||
| They're the most litigious organization on the planet. | ||
| How could they get away with it, though? | ||
| Do you really think that something's not online? | ||
| Did you really just say that? | ||
| Sorry, I don't think it's there. | ||
| You just offended the super nerd, man. | ||
| It's Tom Cruise, by the way, doing the speech. | ||
| And if you can find it, I will be amazed because I bet you it was taken down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They are so quick to take things down. | |
| Yeah, because every time they, when they had that fist fight with that guy, all right, here you go. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There still remains killing, you fucking spastic. | |
| They've already got going through his whole goddamn word on the map. | ||
| Call it Tom Cruise on Tom Cruise Scientologist. | ||
| This is one of their videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something that you have to earn. | |
| And because Scientologist does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. | ||
| Being Scientologist, you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them. | ||
| So for me, it really is KSW. | ||
| And it's just like, it's something that I don't mince words with that, you know, with anything that LRH does. | ||
| But that policy to me has really gone boy. | ||
| And I read out of the fight. | ||
| Just a time I went through and said, you know what? | ||
| When I read it, you know, I just went, this is it. | ||
| This is exactly it. | ||
| Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else. | ||
| As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help. | ||
| That's what drives me, is that I know that we have an opportunity to really help for the first time effectively change. | ||
| All right, Kill this loony shit. | ||
| You guys give me a fucking headache. | ||
| You shut up. | ||
| Those are skills honed from many years of getting straight guys to suck his cock, for sure. | ||
| Look how compelling he is. | ||
| He's so confident, and the fucking eye contact that he makes is so intense. | ||
| I bet he's had more than 100 straight guys suck his cock and not even realize it until they were doing it. | ||
| That is, I mean, what? | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| If that's true, then I might join, because that's amazing. | ||
| You bet you'd probably suck his cock. | ||
| I might think about it. | ||
| But then I would think about Joey Diaz's jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was mesmerizing. | |
| Didn't it? | ||
| Wait, it did or didn't seem like mesmerizing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was mesmerizing music. | |
| It was like it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mission Impossible music. | ||
| Wasn't that Mission Impossible music? | ||
| Very serious. | ||
| They slowed down. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| Really, clearly. | ||
| He's so strange. | ||
| And you know, another fascinating thing was the acronym thing. | ||
| For me, it's all KSW. | ||
| Like they have this weird thing. | ||
| Like you're becoming. | ||
| They wear those Navy suits over the same mindset. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they think they're in the Navy, but they're not. | ||
| They're in some sort of religious cult, which that's kind of a cool cult when you think you're in the Navy. | ||
| What cult thinks it's in the Navy? | ||
| Scientologists. | ||
| Do they wear like Navy outfits? | ||
| That's their top level of all their thing. | ||
| Whoa, wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I did not know this. | ||
| So you're telling me the top level people dress up like Popeye? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Oh, my gosh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the lightning mint. | |
| There's a carax. | ||
| Let's get that curry, Belito. | ||
| Get your hands off me. | ||
| This is forbidden. | ||
| It comes from when L. Ron Hubbard couldn't, they wouldn't let him dock in any country because he owed taxes everywhere. | ||
| So he lived on this cruise ship. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And so all of his close relatives, everybody around him, was dressed like Caesar. | ||
| That became the hierarchy of the church. | ||
| How badass was L. Ron Hubbard? | ||
| Respect. | ||
| He got those monkeys to dance for him, and they're still dancing even after he's dead. | ||
| Well, he formed it because Aleister Crowley wouldn't let him into the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, the secret society in England. | ||
| So he wanted to prove to him he was worthy, but he said, watch, I'll create my own religion. | ||
| Created this religion. | ||
| People believed in it. | ||
| They went back to him. | ||
| Aleister Crowley still didn't want him. | ||
| You know, the thing about it, though, it's really fascinating about Scientology. | ||
| I bought a Dianetics book once when I first moved to North House. | ||
| That's twice in the number one. | ||
| Yeah, it was at like three o'clock in the morning and shit. | ||
| Was it the commercial with the volcano? | ||
| CGI guy, right? | ||
| And it's like, wow, that's so cool. | ||
| Look at that volcano. | ||
| It's blowing up. | ||
| That would look terrible. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, it was just like, you know, I had to listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes. | ||
| I used to, when I was writing comedy, I would listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes, get fired up to get motivated because I'm fucking lazy with a lot of shit. | ||
| It's hard to get me to move. | ||
| So I have to get some sort of a pump-me-up talk. | ||
| So I was experimenting on a bunch of different ones. | ||
| So I tried that. | ||
| I'm like, the Anthony Robbins had some really good quotes, really good stuff. | ||
| I got some good stuff out of it. | ||
| And then I fucked around with Dianetics because it was like three o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I didn't know it was Scientology. | ||
| I had no idea what it was, you know? | ||
| I just saw this thing, Dianetics. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| So I order it. | ||
| And these motherfuckers were relentless. | ||
| I mean, I got shit to my mailbox for 10 years later, for 10 years. | ||
| They just kept sending me shit. | ||
| It was like every week an opportunity to come to some free workshop or there's this or there's that or there's a new offer and come on down and get a free examination, a free psychological exam. | ||
| And psychiatry is evil. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| It was just like, you know, you fuck up and give someone your MySpace address and then they fucking assault you with emails. | ||
| That's what I was like. | ||
| Sorry, bro. | ||
| They're unbelievable. | ||
| But they say a lot of shit that can help you. | ||
| That's what's really nutty about a lot of cults. | ||
| It's like you can't just blanket say that they're all bad because yes, they are bad, but sometimes really fucking wacky people just need a path. | ||
| They need someone to put a collar on them, hold their hand, and get them going. | ||
| And when you do do that and you put them in some sort of a situation like that, they can flourish and be successful and even be fucking happy. | ||
| They're lacking the critical thinking skills that makes you go, well, what the fuck, who wrote that? | ||
| And then who wrote that? | ||
| And that's translated from Hebrew. | ||
| And how do you translate Hebrew? | ||
| Because Hebrew is letters and numbers. | ||
| So you don't even know the numerical value of the words. | ||
| You know, there's too many thoughts for you. | ||
| But for a person that's a knucklehead, they go, okay, I got the religion covered. | ||
| It's in a nice little box. | ||
| And let's move forward with the car wash business. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck he's got. | ||
| You know, sometimes like a good, solid cult can actually help you. | ||
| Well, you can, here's the, here's, just die for advice if you're looking for sort of spiritual enlightenment. | ||
| If you're thinking about this, this is the simple thing. | ||
| I'm an atheist, but if you want to believe in God, just join a religion that has a sense of humor. | ||
| That is the single key. | ||
| If your religion that you're thinking of joining doesn't have any jokes about itself, can't laugh about it. | ||
| I think they all have a sense of humor because I'm not sure what's going on. | ||
| I went on belief.net and tried to find it. | ||
| I used to chat with them all the time trying to, do you have any jokes? | ||
| So you don't think during their sermons or whatever they're called, their meetings, you don't think they have like a sense of joking humor on? | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| First of all, I don't know how they structure the whole thing, but I know that it's very secretive and they keep information from everybody except the highest levels. | ||
| And it takes a long time to get to the highest levels. | ||
| And once you get there, you have to spend a fuckload of money. | ||
| So a lot of times people get invested in it because they look, I'm not a loser. | ||
| I haven't given these people half a million dollars over the course of 25 years because I'm a loser. | ||
| Okay, I'm a winner. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| Okay, Tom Cruise is at my house. | ||
| We're going to fucking do this. | ||
| And I'm going to become clear. | ||
| And then they teach him about thetans and aliens and all that. | ||
| There's a guy who lived down the street from me. | ||
| He and his family were Scientologists. | ||
| And he was talking to me about buying this property. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, we were thinking about buying it. | ||
| But, you know, right now, Deb is about to go clear. | ||
| And that's going to cost us $50,000. | ||
| And I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| What's clear? | ||
| I fucking did not know what he was saying. | ||
| And he goes, well, yeah, what clear is, you know, we're Scientologists. | ||
| And I just thought, fuck, they got him for $50,000 right here. | ||
| They're getting him for $50,000 for a fucking voodoo ceremony. | ||
| That's probably the tip of the iceberg of what they got him for before to get to that point. | ||
| They make gay sex and then $50,000. | ||
| It's a money-making organization. | ||
| I mean, they make tons of cash. | ||
| That's why they had to get the IRS to declare them a religion. | ||
| They sued them into relentless. | ||
| They never actually came out and said they're religion. | ||
| They said we're done prosecuting because they filed so many lawsuits that the IRS said this would cost us more to fight these than it would to settle it out and just call them a religion. | ||
| They're so trippy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much money would you have to make to be able to even afford to be a Scientologist? | |
| Well, there's two ways. | ||
| If you can't afford it, then you got to work for them. | ||
| And you sign a billion-year commitment to work for them. | ||
| Billion? | ||
| Yeah, billion-year. | ||
| BI. | ||
| B.I. For real? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, because you're spiritual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One billion dollars. | |
| That just lets you know you're hanging out with retards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's bet a billion dollars. | ||
| Bro, you don't have a billion dollars. | ||
| Were you scared to bet? | ||
| No, you're fucking retarded, man. | ||
| This is a stupid conversation. | ||
| You're fucking a billion years just in case artificial life is created. | ||
| So you will owe a billion years of transferring your body into new machines. | ||
| Just read the classics. | ||
| Don't fucking go to religion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Read Thomas Aquinas. | |
| Read Aristotle. | ||
| Well, I think religion is absolutely fascinating. | ||
| I think it's very interesting, and I think it may very well be. | ||
| Look, I got this weird way of looking at things. | ||
| And one of the ways I look at things is that everything is natural. | ||
| And that just like animal behavior is very bizarre and complex, but natural, alpha and beta wolf behavior and things that they've done forever, then they have this sort of coordinated, and it's very strange. | ||
| I think human beings are so much more complex. | ||
| And with language, there's so many more variables. | ||
| But I have a feeling that the way people behave is just as natural as those bees making beehives and just as natural as wolves that are kicking the betas out. | ||
| I think we have a whole bunch of components in place that are very obviously moving society into a certain direction. | ||
| And I think your enlightenment and your ideas about the future are all really a part of it. | ||
| It's all to try to trans, I mean, these open ideas and reality and clear-headedness and love tries to move it into the best possible scenario when it gets there. | ||
| But where it's going is it's pretty clear that everything we do is sort of designed to move things forward in that direction. | ||
| It's very, very strange. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a subcomponent of our society that feels like it's devolving, though. | |
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| I think that that tests it. | ||
| I think you need yin to have yang. | ||
| I think you need suppression to have art sometimes. | ||
| I think you need to have resistance. | ||
| I think it's a very tricky thing. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| It's hard to look at it all together like it's one big organism that's all moving and every single emotion and every single car accident is all inexorably entwined into one big mathematical algorithm that's way too big for us to really comprehend. | ||
| But that might be what it's all about. | ||
| I mean, the idea of free will, I mean, has been disputed many, many times. | ||
| You know, the idea of that, is it really free will when you're dealing with you being influenced by a dozen different fucking hormones and neurotransmitters and emotions and all these different things that are flying around in the air and you might be drunk and like, how much of that is free will? | ||
| Exactly? | ||
| It's not 100% free will. | ||
| If there was 100% free will, you would have rational decisions made every time. | ||
| What makes an impulsive gambler? | ||
| That might all be a program. | ||
| It might all be just some fucking thing that's running. | ||
| Just some giant equation. | ||
| You look debaked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How scary it is to think that stupid people are breeding like crazy. | |
| So eventually, if things just happen naturally and progress like the world's going to make them, then intellectual people are going to just be wiped off the planet soon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think? | ||
| No, I think it's a battle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Intellectual people stop creating babies, really. | |
| There's a lot of retards today, but there's a lot more smart people, too. | ||
| I think there's more smart people now. | ||
| I don't want to say smart as in like they're going to fix the world, but more aware folks. | ||
| More folks that are thinking and aware and honest than ever before. | ||
| I think by a long shot, I don't think we've realized it. | ||
| I think it is, that's the big dam that's going to break. | ||
| There's a lot of in-tune people out there. | ||
| There's a lot of dumbasses, but there's way more in-tune people than I'm when I was 21. | ||
| When I was 21, I didn't know anything about anything. | ||
| How much more tolerant are we, too? | ||
| Way more. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love that about society. | ||
| It's like when I run into 19, 20 year olds now, I remember there's a gay kid in my high school. | ||
| He went through hell. | ||
| He just went through hell. | ||
| Now, they're out everywhere. | ||
| There's none of that hatred anymore. | ||
| Different races and stuff like that. | ||
| Intermixing. | ||
| It's really pretty awesome compared to how it used to be. | ||
| It's evolving. | ||
| And that story doesn't get told half as much as the negative side ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's really fast. | |
| That was in the last, what, 15 years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, and it's like pubic hair disappearing. | ||
| It's like in that same frame of mind. | ||
| Maybe pubic hair and our racism are tied to each other because the less pubic hair there is out there, the less racism. | ||
| Do you think there's less pubic hair now than ever before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| I've not found pubic hair on it. | ||
| Because people are shaving it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's all good. | |
| Right, but it's still there. | ||
| You're not tricking it. | ||
| Yeah, but like. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| Have you been searching? | ||
| Have you been checking pubic hair lately? | ||
| It's part of my long quest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But nobody has anything. | ||
| It's so easy now. | ||
| Back then it's called pubic hair. | ||
| It's a lot harder to get rid of pubic hair. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I mean, the girl I recently dated, she had crazy bush. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, the last bushes. | ||
| But she was conscious of it trying to be different now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's trendy now. | |
| No, it's trendy now. | ||
| Bush is probably. | ||
| It's a horrendous visual. | ||
| Of what? | ||
| Brian with this dirty bush in his face. | ||
| Bushes is our back. | ||
| I like the bush. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| The phaltoid breath. | ||
| I like the smell of like apples because he's trying to trick cops all the way home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just like imagining that I'm a bird going into a nest. | ||
| Oh, that's sweet. | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| Yeah, it's like one little tiny egg. | ||
| Trying to find that. | ||
| Not even an egg. | ||
| It's a hatchling. | ||
| Just want to lick it clean. | ||
| Also, it's easier to spit back the juice on them when there's hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because when there's no hair, it just goes everywhere and there's puddles in her belly button and stuff. | |
| Yeah, so with the hair, it kind of absorbs some of like that. | ||
| No, I'm not going to swallow this. | ||
| Why do girls want you to swallow? | ||
| Swallow what? | ||
| Like when you're eating. | ||
| What the fuck is coming out of it? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You're fucking a guy, dude. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| How big is this girl's dick? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| Do you gag a lot when you swallow? | ||
| No, I just spit it back out in the push. | ||
| Do you just swallow? | ||
| No, like they're juices. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| No, they're juicy. | ||
| You know, like when their breasts feel like sandbags? | ||
| You know, they're juices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, when they have those strong hands that sichu. | |
| Secretions from the pussy mixed with your slobber. | ||
| It's just like a whole basket of juice. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You must be really good at it then. | |
| I'm really good at it. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| There's video that's not. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, because if the girl's getting that wet, then you must be fucking. | ||
| Well, first of all, he's just throwing up in them constantly. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why it's so cool. | ||
| Every five minutes he sticks a finger in her and then right in his mouth. | ||
| That's part of his thing. | ||
| He drinks a fuckload of tang before he does it. | ||
| So even though it's puke, it smells cool. | ||
| It smells like a spaceship. | ||
| It's coconut wine. | ||
| Sounds like they're on the moon. | ||
| He just throws up tang and fingers them. | ||
| I'm like, why would you swallow it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is it so chunky? | |
| Why are you throwing it? | ||
| And you can say, I tried swallowing your pussy juices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my pussy juices. | |
| That's much more. | ||
| I swallow a lot of it already. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Bright orange. | ||
| Oh, it is like coconut water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| It is coconut water. | ||
| Beards are not good for it. | ||
| No, that's what another good thing about hair, though, when there's two hairs, then it matches like Velcro. | ||
| And it locks you on. | ||
| It doesn't scratch them because they have a protection of hair. | ||
| See, it's like an eyelash for an eye. | ||
| It's supposed to collect dirt and come and spit. | ||
| I'd like the way you think. | ||
| I'd like the way you think. | ||
| You're fairly dirty. | ||
| Fucking bushes are back, 2011. | ||
| Did you guys see that lady blow a fuse when she was reporting with the Emmys? | ||
| Did you see that shit? | ||
| The lady who was like, that was weird. | ||
| Dude, what's going on at CBS? | ||
| First, Charlie Sheen. | ||
| And this chick gets raped in Egypt, and then the other girls are in the city. | ||
| That was very fox-like. | ||
| I read that this morning. | ||
| I didn't know here that she got raped. | ||
| That CBS shit was very fox-like. | ||
| Like on Fox, that's acceptable because it's like you're getting paid $10 an hour or whatever those reporters are probably getting. | ||
| But the CBS is legit. | ||
| I think there's a legit neurological issue. | ||
| I don't think it's a matter of her just getting her tongue tied. | ||
| It was like a disconnect between the mouth and the sound coming out of her mouth and her brain. | ||
| You think she was stoned? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| No, I think she either had a panic attack. | ||
| Oh, you got to play it. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| Find it. | ||
| She either had a panic attack or she had, like, there was a lot of people that thought she had a stroke, but apparently they checked her. | ||
| Oh, I did read about this. | ||
| Yeah, somebody said they denied that she had a stroke on air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she's feeling fine this morning. | ||
| Yeah, but then there's other people that say it might be like some form of epilepsy or it might be like, who the fuck knows what it is? | ||
| But it was one of the oddest things ever. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to it. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| A lot of new details this morning about that Los Angeles television reporter who suddenly began slurring her speech and speaking gibberish in her report on the Grammys. | ||
| The video of Serena quickly went viral. | ||
| He has a lot more on this medical dude. | ||
| Not this. | ||
| Find the actual video. | ||
| They better not have pulled it, those fucks. | ||
| Do you think they pulled it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're talking about Scientology. | |
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The big shocker, winning only two despite 10 nominations. | |
| CBS2 Serena Branson is live at the Staples Center with highlights and backstage coverage. | ||
| We're seeing for the very first time. | ||
| Sereed. | ||
| Well, a very, very heavy. | ||
| The fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that her? | |
| Is that what she did? | ||
| Fucking YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, she just stopped and congressed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She just stopped and a very, very heavy divertation tonight. | |
| We had a very Darison bite. | ||
| Let's go ahead and taste English for the head of the pet. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| She did Nitris. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| She did Nitrous or Salvia right before she took. | ||
| She's an alien, and she fucked up, and she didn't get her decoder right. | ||
| She's an alien, and that's what their real language is. | ||
| She thought she was speaking human, and she fucked up, and that was Klingon. | ||
| That was really weird. | ||
| That was really weird. | ||
| That did seem like a little mini stroke or some brain injury. | ||
| It seemed to me like she definitely seemed like she knew something was wrong, but at the end, she thought she was saying, go back to you guys. | ||
| Like, it seemed like that was the indication that she had completed her thing that she was trying to get out. | ||
| It reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode I saw growing up where the guy just starts noticing little words changing, like, hey, go outside and play with the encyclopedia. | ||
| What do you mean, dog? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| And then it slowly gets worse and worse. | ||
| It's kind of like that whole same Twilight zone. | ||
| Not the best story, actually, halfway through, I realize. | ||
| Yeah, but still, what the fuck, man? | ||
| What's going on with that broad? | ||
| I really feel like she's probably, I mean, this is California. | ||
| I really feel like she got too stoned while she was waiting to go on. | ||
| And like her boyfriend was there and just hit it, just hit it a couple times. | ||
| And she just freaked out because she got too stoned. | ||
| I don't think there's that many people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too fast. | |
| The way she was mixing up the word, putting it into different chunks and moving it around. | ||
| That had to be something. | ||
| We're like those retards that sit around studying Bigfoot films. | ||
| There's no way that could be a monkey suit because the muscles in a human literally don't work like that. | ||
| Look at these pyramids on Mars. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Dude, this is impossible that this structure is there by accident. | ||
| She could be a snake handler, one of those Christians that speaks in tongues when it's infected with the spirit. | ||
| Hey, he might be Pentecost. | ||
| You ever see Jesus Camp? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what a great documentary that is. | |
| If you haven't seen it, folks, it's a must-see. | ||
| It's an indoctrination school where they take these kids and they try to turn them into Christian holy warriors. | ||
| I went to those when I was a kid for Catholicism. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I had to go to Bible camp every summer. | ||
| It was just awful. | ||
| How long did you have to go for? | ||
| Until I realized how. | ||
| I mean, how long were you away from your family for? | ||
| Like two weeks, three weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah, it was all twisted. | ||
| And I got to be honest with you, it was dirty. | ||
| I used to hook up with the girls in those camps all the time. | ||
| Well, I was a little kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you have to carry a cross? | |
| No, it's not penance Jesus. | ||
| You have to carry a cross. | ||
| It's not Filipino one. | ||
| Not everybody gets to be Jesus. | ||
| She was raised with no religion. | ||
| She got to share religion. | ||
| Everyone gets to be Jesus. | ||
| It's funny because I was raised so religious and she was raised less none. | ||
| Like she doesn't know the Bible stories or anything. | ||
| So I take it for granted that everybody knows it. | ||
| And then she always reminds me, I don't know about this Jesus. | ||
| There's a lot of them that I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I've read enough to go, all right, stop. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You know, I've read more about the origins of the Bible than I've read the Bible. | ||
| The most fascinating thing that I've read is that the original Bible was written in ancient Hebrew, besides the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is in Aramaic, and that's an interesting one because it's actually written on animal skins. | ||
| And one of the ways they put together the Dead Sea Scrolls was they had to do the DNA of the animal so that they could figure out which animal pieces were connected to which animal pieces. | ||
| Like it's painstaking work trying to piece it all together. | ||
| But here's what's crazy. | ||
| To this day, they don't know all the words in ancient Hebrew. | ||
| No, it's something like this. | ||
| They only know like three quarters or maybe a little bit more. | ||
| And some of the important ones that are incredibly short that they know a little about because they have the least amount of information. | ||
| So you get these two-letter words that could mean a preposition, it could be a longer sort of shortening of a... | ||
| Letters and numbers are the same thing. | ||
| There was no numbers. | ||
| So the letter A was also the number one. | ||
| Well, I love the Bible too, how people take it literally who are English. | ||
| You know, like the southern fundamentals. | ||
| Wow, Jesus said, well, actually, no, this has been translated like 30 times to English, you know? | ||
| Eaten into the ground. | ||
| The one you're reading is the nonsense one written by Constantine and a bunch of bishops. | ||
| you ain't even reading the fucking fire and brimstone. | ||
| The original one is Peter, do you really love me? | ||
| three times, and it comes out three times as love you in English. | ||
| But in even like the four translations back in Greek, he's asking him three different ways: Do you love me as a father, as a protector, and as a lover? | ||
| It's just so silly. | ||
| Like, this is what people need to realize. | ||
| No matter how much people knew at one point in time, even if people, you know, really had figured out some incredible way of moving stone that we can't replicate today, and that's how they were able to build the pyramids, we are still the smartest motherfuckers that have ever been on the face of the planet by far, the most aware, the most informed, right fucking now for sure. | ||
| And if there's no magic dude talking to us now, okay, there was no magic dude back then, and people are full of shit, and that story sucks. | ||
| It sucks, and it's old. | ||
| And just because it's old, you don't have to fucking keep listening. | ||
| You know, and take it as a historical idea. | ||
| Take, you know, the stories as, you know, like ancient fables and interesting ideas. | ||
| It doesn't mean there's no God. | ||
| It doesn't mean that anybody has any answers. | ||
| But it means you can't believe old dumb shit. | ||
| It's just, it ruins the whole conversation. | ||
| And you can't believe old dumb shit to the point where it makes you want to kill or hurt anybody else. | ||
| It's like you don't, you're mad because other people don't believe old dumb shit. | ||
| So the way that you're going to reinforce this old dumb shit is going to rampage and kill a bunch of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to get a book that if you only know one fourth of it, too. | |
| How much can a book believe? | ||
| Three fourths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or if you only know three fourths. | |
| So if you're missing one fourth of a book, would you ever really believe that book? | ||
| It's probably even more than that. | ||
| Imagine it's translated to Latin and then to Greek. | ||
| And, you know, I mean, losing it in the translation, like, ancient Hebrew is so much different than those languages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I imagine like if Mysim Minifi or he didn't shoot, you know, turn around and shoot him. | ||
| You know, that's like one fourth of that book. | ||
| That changes the whole book. | ||
| You know, it might be at the end. | ||
| It was like, just kidding, Jesus is faith. | ||
| Psych, we're on mushrooms. | ||
| That could have been a lovely end. | ||
| That's the real end of the Bible. | ||
| Psych, we was on mushrooms. | ||
| Those are the words they can't translate. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| All the way through. | ||
| I'm using that as a bit now. | ||
| Psych, we were on mushrooms. | ||
| Now, folks, you're going to know where this bit was created. | ||
| Dying, man. | ||
| Somebody tweet me this because I'm going to forget it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think there was sarcasm back when the Bible was? | |
| Yeah, we might be dying. | ||
| They were grunting fucks back then. | ||
| Grunting fucks that lived to be 30, and they smelled like shit, and they shot loads into each other, and they hoped they stuck. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the meat will inherit the earth. | ||
| Yeah, they were dying like flies, those fucks. | ||
| And then every now and then, a bunch of men would get together in a bunch of boy fucking hordes, and they would take over entire countries. | ||
| They would roam the earth and fucking chop people up with swords. | ||
| I think it can be done, man. | ||
| It's like whenever they have like a black beauty, there's always like a rip-off. | ||
| Boy fucking hordes. | ||
| That's the title. | ||
| It's like Deep Impact and then the other one, remember? | ||
| They were all at the same time. | ||
| Armageddon. | ||
| No. | ||
| They both rocked it with a big one. | ||
| Which one did you prefer, by the way? | ||
| I thought they both sucked. | ||
| Have you seen the new one? | ||
| Like Quaddle Los Angeles? | ||
| That looks succorific. | ||
| Yeah, I hope it's good because I really thought that other one where it was in Los Angeles with 2012? | ||
| I thought that looked good, but then I heard everyone tell me it sucks. | ||
| That was an awesome trailer. | ||
| That's what that movie was. | ||
| And Darren Aronofsky's directing it, so it should be good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Is he laughing? | ||
| I don't know who Darren Aronovsky. | ||
| He did Black Swan. | ||
| Oh, I heard that was really bizarre. | ||
| Yeah, no, he was. | ||
| Requiem for a dream was a trippy movie. | ||
| I'm going to put it in her ass. | ||
| You know what I was thinking? | ||
| Didn't make me happy when I walked out of the theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't think I enjoyed my experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt very dirty after that film, and I did not want to get high. | |
| You know what you guys, when you guys were talking about the government earlier for that long time, you know what I was thinking? | ||
| This is so stupid. | ||
| You guys know Goober grape, the peanut butter that's like peanut butter mixed with all right. | ||
| Grape is, you know, the grape is in it. | ||
| Goober's are usually yellow. | ||
| So that's actually saying that, yeah, the peanut butter is supposed to be a goober. | ||
| And they actually sold this at a grocery store. | ||
| And that's pretty disgusting. | ||
| It's a guoberty. | ||
| And government. | ||
| You're talking about snot? | ||
| Is goober a snot? | ||
| And us talking about the government made me think of that. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you, kid? | ||
| You have brain damage, son. | ||
| But that's a stroke on TV. | ||
| No, I was just thinking about it. | ||
| You just had a stroke on the radio, dumbass. | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| It's those Crocs fucking plastics leaking into your toes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He is wearing something. | ||
| No, Goobers are usually like, I'm honking a goober on you. | ||
| But is that what it means? | ||
| I thought I always meant a goofy dude. | ||
| So what does goober notorial mean? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's always like, who is this fucking goober? | ||
| That's like a goofy dude. | ||
| Like Goober from The Witch Mill, Andy Griffith show. | ||
| Yeah, but is that named after spitting? | ||
| Is that Goober? | ||
| Or who's Goober from? | ||
| The Dukes of Hazard. | ||
| I thought it was Lugie. | ||
| That's working. | ||
| The Dukes of Hazard's Cooter. | ||
| Cooter. | ||
| The dude's named Pussy. | ||
| You can't call someone Pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pussy too. | |
| Big Pussy. | ||
| You can do it on HBO. | ||
| But you can't call a guy Cooter today. | ||
| Oh, you don't have that. | ||
| Favorite euphonism for pussy that British use? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me this isn't gross. | |
| Fanny, how about that? | ||
| I know. | ||
| How wrong is that? | ||
| That's your fucking nasty creeps. | ||
| This is what they call it in Northern England, clunge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Doesn't that? | ||
| It sounds like a mollusk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking clunge. | |
| Somebody's getting hurt. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What a terrible name. | ||
| Put it in me, clunge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bet. | |
| Right? | ||
| As soon as you come, you throw up in her hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just what the fuck have I done? | |
| Just terrified that you've planted a demon seed in her fucking snatch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hearing sex talk on a British accent. | |
| Especially when they're older. | ||
| They smell like cigarettes. | ||
| Oh, yeah, drunk. | ||
| They love to party. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun place to be. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why it's so fun. | ||
| The English people fucking throw down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you go over to party? | |
| When he goes over, do you ever go over to England? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Why not? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because I, well, you know, I only get two tickets, so it's usually I bring Eddie Bravo because he goes with me because he works for the UFC too. | ||
| And then, you know, the other thing is, like, it's not that easy to just get over there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The permits are a bitch now, too. | ||
| Especially if you have permits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, if you're working there. | ||
| I want to go to Canada, though. | ||
| I miss Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come back up. | |
| Why don't you guys come up and do a tour up there? | ||
| Well, maybe you come when we go to Toronto. | ||
| Toronto's going to be fun as shit. | ||
| Oh, the tickets for Macy Hall, I don't know what the date is, but they're already half sold out. | ||
| The pre-sale went on yesterday, April 29th, I think it is. | ||
| Dude, that watch is badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's Macy Hall? | |
| It's in Toronto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, is it called Macy Hall or is it called Macy Hall? | |
| Mass Hall-MASSE Hall. | ||
| You got to pronounce it Massey Hall. | ||
| I'm going to call it whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| That sounds a stupid name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if everybody shows up ambiguous to the 100 Massey Hall in fucking Niagara Falls thinking Joe Rogan's supposed to be here? | |
| I don't think they'll get that wrong. | ||
| What's that watch you're wearing? | ||
| That's Henderson Silva's watch. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| That's like crazy expensive. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Ed Soars, his manager, gave me it. | ||
| That's pretty dope. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking protective. | ||
| So tickets will go on sale for that, for everybody else on Friday. | ||
| And then this weekend is the Brea Improv with Joey and Ari. | ||
| Pete Johansson, what do you got going on, man? | ||
| I got nothing to do this weekend. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| No, I canceled my one gig because I was thinking of going to Vegas with my wife because she's never been there. | ||
| Oh, so never been to Vegas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is your first time here. | ||
| You don't know about Jesus and you've never been to hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my first time here. | |
| Yeah, I'm totally taken to Vegas. | ||
| This is your first time in America, totally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I've been to Seattle. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You got to go to Vegas. | ||
| I mean, it's only like a four-hour drive, three and a half-hour drive from here. | ||
| You could drive there. | ||
| I was thinking of doing getting like a suite of the palms and stuff and just sort of like spend like two days. | ||
| Just jump on like hotels.com. | ||
| You can get like $39 a night room. | ||
| Vegas is dead. | ||
| Got a friend who owns the place. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Vegas is so dead and like deserted that there's so many cheap hotels. | ||
| It's retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll just spend two days of you dipping into my clunge. | |
| No. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| But as of next week, if you're British and you're listening to this, I'm at the comedia in Brighton, and then I'm at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, then I'm in Vancouver taping the debaters, then off to the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. | ||
| What is the Debaters? | ||
| It's a TV show. | ||
| I'm doing two episodes of it shot in Canada where we debate topics on television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like socialism? | |
| Let me tell you this. | ||
| Speaking of socialism, what do you think about this Guy Richie thing? | ||
| You know what's going on with Guy Richie? | ||
| They fucking moved into his house? | ||
| The squatting raws in England are ridiculous. | ||
| The cops can't do anything because the only way they can arrest them is if they break the door. | ||
| But if they leave even so much as a window on the top floor open and they crawl in through it, it's a legal entry. | ||
| So if they have legal entry. | ||
| You can't get them out of your house. | ||
| So how does someone, what if someone, what if you like, you're at home and someone comes into your house and decides to stay? | ||
| Can they do that? | ||
| Well, if you're proprietary, if you're actually living in there, you can prove that you're proprietary living in there, then they're trespassing in your thing. | ||
| But if you can't prove that he wasn't living in that house, they were vacant. | ||
| Refurbishing it, right? | ||
| Because it was vacant, not being stayed in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The law states. | ||
| I would just go in there and start molesting them. | ||
| So how does homeboy get out of that? | ||
| Well, he has to stop them with eviction papers, just like any other tenant, and that can take six months to a year to process. | ||
| So I just make them uncomfortable. | ||
| Are they responsible for damage they do to the house during the time it's up to you? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They're responsible just like any other tenants would be for any bills and stuff. | ||
| It's the weirdest law, you know? | ||
| Like, the only place I like squatting laws is in unsettled territory. | ||
| If you can prove you built a cabin there and lived it for 15 years, yeah, you should be able to keep it. | ||
| Other than that, you know, like, come on. | ||
| At least give a homeboy an acre. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I just don't understand how they don't have laws set up to protect us. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck were they doing over there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's the most obvious sign of criminal, just criminal incompetency by lawmakers. | ||
| You haven't fixed this one. | ||
| Well, what is legal? | ||
| There's a guy in England that shot a guy who was trying to rape and kill his wife. | ||
| It didn't shoot him, beat him to death. | ||
| And he went to jail for it. | ||
| Oh, no, he didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
yeah and that's It was excessive force. | |
| How would you even know it was excessive if someone's trying to kill your wife? | ||
| You wouldn't even know what you were doing, man. | ||
| You'd go into a blackout fucking red glaze of hate. | ||
| You wouldn't even know what you're doing until it's all over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If they're trying to kill, then excessive wouldn't be killing back, right? | |
| You can't legislate. | ||
| Here's the deal, man. | ||
| Once you fucking enter the house, you're just like a rat, man. | ||
| You don't deserve to live. | ||
| You're entering the house looking to harm someone. | ||
| You don't deserve to live. | ||
| No, I agree with that. | ||
| Somebody beat him to death. | ||
| Oh, too bad. | ||
| Too bad. | ||
| I guess he won't be breaking in anybody's houses trying to fucking rape and kill them anymore. | ||
| It's not like he's planting flowers that you don't want. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know, this guy's a cunt. | ||
| I'm a liberal and I believe in that. | ||
| I don't even believe in the death. | ||
| And look at that. | ||
| That's a perfect example of what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| This idea that there's two separate, totally different schools of thinking. | ||
| There's not. | ||
| You know, most of us, most people that I know think that really fucking horrible people should be removed from the face of the earth for their own good too, man. | ||
| I think we should use them for medical experience. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I've never agreed with that. | ||
| Well, I'll take you a step further. | ||
| I think we'll use them at zoos. | ||
| Well, we can't do that. | ||
| Fuck giving tiger stakes. | ||
| And I fucking hate seeing tigers that don't get to kill shit. | ||
| But all these drugs that they have to test on animals and stuff like that, that they don't know the effects on humans. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Test the shit out of them. | ||
| Yeah, fuck you. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's the one thing where me. | ||
| How about, here's the problems. | ||
| What if there's a very powerful man, okay? | ||
| And this very powerful man catches you banging his wife, just for instance, you're not you, but just you. | ||
| Yeah, because you know, you know, I know how you roll, dog. | ||
| I wouldn't even put it past you, dog. | ||
| So this powerful man decides to have you arrested on trumped-up charges, makes, forces his wife into, you know, going along with it, or she loses the money. | ||
| Yeah, you get fucked for a little bit. | ||
| She's a dirty bitch, man. | ||
| She sells you down the river. | ||
| So you go to jail, and then they accuse you of some horrible crime that you, of course, did not do. | ||
| And next thing you know, they're doing experiments on you. | ||
| Because this guy forces you by his influence and all his money. | ||
| He's a very rich, powerful man. | ||
| He forces you to become a medical dummy and they start doing experiments on you. | ||
| That just gave you the craziest for instance forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So in that case, in this highly unlikely event, I still think, you know, how are you going to answer that? | |
| At least nothing good's going to happen with my life anyways at that point. | ||
| So at least they can get some good out of testing fucking drugs on me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| My life's practically over anyways, you're saying. | ||
| So you can't do that and just get you raped, right? | ||
| I mean, today. | ||
| Today you could just do it and get you raped. | ||
| But yeah, why not? | ||
| Hear about O.J. Simpson? | ||
| Did he do something? | ||
| He got the fuck out of him in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| To that point, he got knocked unconscious and he's been in the hospital for like weeks. | ||
| When did he go to jail? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been waiting for Naked Gun 4 and a half for a while. | |
| That's way impossible. | ||
| Yeah, he was beat up by a white supremacist, a young muscular white supremacist, because he was running around bragging about all the white chicks he banged. | ||
| Of course, this is just the official story. | ||
| You know, who the fuck knows? | ||
| Is there an on-the-scene, you know, prisoner-slash reporter? | ||
| An embedded reporter who's going to give you all the O.J. Simpson dirt? | ||
| You know, how the fuck do they know what he really said? | ||
| But this guy decided to beat the shit out of him bad. | ||
| Like, he thought he killed him. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Yeah, apparently, OJ Simpson got fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I would, yeah, that's a tough one, eh? | |
| Black History Month, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Is it? | ||
| I think black people are done with OJ. | ||
| I think they're done with him. | ||
| They were there on the first trial. | ||
| The second trial, not so much. | ||
| Yeah, I don't see it. | ||
| They supported him on murder, but when it came to breaking and entering 20 years later, like, that's not good. | ||
| Man, you mean to put that dude away by then? | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| I mean, the crazy black people that will only vote for him based on the fact that he's black. | ||
| The very people that got him acquitted. | ||
| The people that got him acquitted, there was a fucking bunch of people outside the courtroom, and they said, this one's for us. | ||
| This one's for us. | ||
| And I went, wow. | ||
| I blame the prosecution. | ||
| I thought they were absolutely incompetent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh, of course they were. | ||
| They were unprepared. | ||
| Mark. | ||
| That's what the prosecutions usually are. | ||
| And that's really who the people are that are in place. | ||
| They never get to this fucking high-profile, fucking Ethlybalian, fucking Kardashian, and these motherfuckers. | ||
| Who would have thought that the craziest thing that would have ever spawned out of that is the Kardashian sisters? | ||
| I mean, they're a product of the OJ murders. | ||
| The reason why the word Kardashian resonated with people, it's not just that she was Paris Hilton's friend. | ||
| She was Paris Hilton's friend whose dad helped get off a fucking murderer who was a famous guy. | ||
| And what about that cat, Kato? | ||
| Was it Kato Kalen? | ||
| Kato Kalen. | ||
| He was famous for all. | ||
| He was doing stand-ups for a while. | ||
| He just did it the other day. | ||
| He followed, or I followed him. | ||
| You do stand-ups? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, he's been doing it for a while now. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| Congratulations, dude. | ||
| He did it a long time ago, and you had this joke. | ||
| Tell me if you think it's funny. | ||
| What? | ||
| The joke that you quit doing comedy? | ||
| Do you think when Bob Hope died, they flew out his body to Iraq to entertain all the dead troops? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| And he did this the day Bob Hope died. | ||
| I did that the day Bob Hope died. | ||
| You know, fucking audience. | ||
| He stopped doing comedy for five years. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| See, that's a proof positive that time plus, you know, whatever equals comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very. | |
| Time plus insight. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| You're ahead of yourself. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| He was just, he jumped the gun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's like, you know, I mean, if you said it at the comedy store, I would have got a fucking huge laugh. | ||
| Yeah, when you're at Columbus, Ohio, and it was senior night at the funny bone. | ||
| Yeah, man, that's the goddamn problem with comedy. | ||
| Especially when you're starting out. | ||
| The real problem with comedy is that it's just one giant genre. | ||
| It's like, you know, go to see live music and you'll have like a rapper followed by a country music singer followed by Guns N' Roses, you know? | ||
| It amazes me the lack of insight some of the people putting together bills get into it. | ||
| Like, especially in England where they'll have like a guitar player in front and then a high energy guy and then a low energy closer. | ||
| Like, dude, you can't follow low energy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, especially somebody who's like, they don't know what their audience wants and they go, well, we'll just give them everything and hopefully they'll like one thing and they'll come back. | |
| Not really. | ||
| It's less insightful than that. | ||
| All it is is who's got a week open. | ||
| Stick them there. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| And always end on the highest energy. | ||
| But some people plot it like Tom, Tom Sawyer from Cobbs. | ||
| He prides himself on putting together good shows and making sure that guys go with certain guys. | ||
| Can't wait to work back in this country, actually. | ||
| I'm coming back in September. | ||
| We're going to move here. | ||
| So you decided you're going to move to LA? | ||
| Because when I talked to you a week ago, you were like, we just got here. | ||
| Somebody fucking loves it here. | ||
| You love it, huh? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never lived anywhere remotely warm in my life. | |
| I mean, this week kind of sucks, but last week was like 80s. | ||
| Last week was amazing. | ||
| We've done Runyon Canyon every day that we've been here. | ||
| It's just, it's fucking lovely. | ||
| Look at you, Trendy. | ||
| Yeah, dude, this is a crazy goddamn town. | ||
| There's a lot of cool shit about LA. | ||
| There's a lot of douchebags, but that's just the sheer numbers of humanity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and the grind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have we had any douchebags yet? | |
| Really? | ||
| We have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You're in the presence of three of them. | ||
| You know what they should put on top of it? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you discredit our doucheiness? | ||
| You know what they should put on top of Runyon Canyon? | ||
| A food truck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good mom. | |
| We were thinking on the. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Juicy street tacos. | ||
| Yeah, because once you're street trucks at the top of the city. | ||
| You don't need to think twice when you're drunk. | ||
| I wonder if getting drunk, like the alcohol, helps kill a lot of fucked up shit from bad food. | ||
| Because I don't seem to ever get sick when I eat bad food if I'm hammered. | ||
| Isn't that what alcohol was supposed to do? | ||
| Well, yeah, traveler sickness. | ||
| Oh, fuck, when I was in Mumbai this year. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you had to put it in. | |
| You sound like someone who's trying to brag. | ||
| You know, I was in Mumbai this year. | ||
| I saw my yacht. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You eat letter management? | |
| I was popping bottles with models. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was on fourth box. | |
| If Mumbai is bragging, that's pretty awful because that's the worst thing. | ||
| You could if you wanted to be like super liberal traveler man. | ||
| I am super liberal traveler. | ||
| This is fucking what I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go from world to world and point out that, come on, everybody, just love. | |
| Come on. | ||
| I loved when George Clooney got malaria. | ||
| You know, I love George Clooney. | ||
| I think he's an awesome actor, but it would be really cool if he got eaten by a hippo. | ||
| You know, if he was over there. | ||
| I don't want to lose him. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I don't want to lose him. | ||
| I'm making the most. | ||
| How about with an opportunity for a redo? | ||
| I would think it would be a crazy news story. | ||
| He goes over to Africa to try to save the world and gets eaten by a crocodile. | ||
| I don't like Adrian Brody. | ||
| Bitch, you got malaria. | ||
| What are you doing over there with malaria? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Listen, Adrian Brody is responsible for one of the most unintentionally funny scenes in the movie ever. | ||
| Splice when he fucked that alien thing that was three months old. | ||
| I can't believe he saw it. | ||
| Until somebody downloads it accidentally onto my computer without me knowing. | ||
| Fucked up, dude. | ||
| I'm a sucker for horror movies. | ||
| I love horror movies. | ||
| Sci-fi and horror. | ||
| I love like I've seen every sci-fi movie there already. | ||
| Me too, man. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| And I just looked at this. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to take a chance. | ||
| I'm sure it sucks. | ||
| I'm going to fucking get baked. | ||
| I'm going to go see this sci-fi movie. | ||
| Hopefully they'll give me some, you know, mindless entertainment. | ||
| It was so fucking completely preposterous and ridiculous. | ||
| If you haven't seen it, he makes a baby and it's half alien or half lizard or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I'm not exactly sure what the plot was. | ||
| It was, I was super baked and it was so ridiculous. | ||
| The thing grows like instantly into full size and is living in the basement of this building that they all work at. | ||
| They have like a little camp set up with a fucking couch and candles. | ||
| And meanwhile, it's like a grown woman already and it's like three months old. | ||
| So they have to get it out of there. | ||
| So they smuggle it out of the building and take it back to his like fucking farm in the woods. | ||
| And within like a week, he starts fucking it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| This thing's three months old and it's half alien. | ||
| It's got like horse legs, like the bottom legs like bend the wrong way. | ||
| And he's banging it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're getting a girl. | |
| That's really creepy. | ||
| It's one of the most ridiculous movies ever. | ||
| You gotta get baked to watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| You would fuck an alien if you had the opportunity. | ||
| Everybody's fucking alive. | ||
| Not a three-month-old one, bro. | ||
| Not one I was there from the fucking get-through. | ||
| It's a fucking outer space. | ||
| But no, no, it wasn't an alien. | ||
| They created it. | ||
| They made the fetus. | ||
| Well, that's kind of gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I was looking at it like it's a daughter. | |
| It's like a walking fleshlight. | ||
| Well, I'm looking at it as like, how are you writing this shit in the script? | ||
| This guy's fucking this thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But maybe it's like a dog where it ages way faster. | |
| So by the time he was fucking it, it was actually like 20 years old. | ||
| Look like a mayfly. | ||
| Well, she looked like a woman, but still, she's three months old. | ||
| The bitch didn't even know how to speak English yet. | ||
| I'd like to. | ||
| You're fucking a baby, man. | ||
| You're fucking a baby. | ||
| Three months old can't start. | ||
| She just goes, nobody's ever done a movie about the babies that come about from when the donkeys fuck the girls in Tijuana. | ||
| They get donkeys pregnant, bro. | ||
| Donkeys can't get girls pregnant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ridiculous. | |
| You know what would be funny is like every single Brad Pitt movie was so realistic that his phone just rang off the hook all day. | ||
| And every time he went outside, he got attacked by girls. | ||
| Like my God, it's Brad Pitt. | ||
| Do you think that happens? | ||
| Brad Pitt's always like fucking... | ||
| Do you ever think he's running around having girls chasing him? | ||
| Fuck yeah, he is. | ||
| I think his reality show would be him telling the kids to put that down. | ||
| Don't light that on fire. | ||
| Where's your mom? | ||
| Where's that crazy bitch? | ||
| Just fighting scenes. | ||
| Brad Pittsburgh yelling at him. | ||
| Brad Pitt travels by motorcycle in disguise. | ||
| He just looks like a fucking ninja on a motorcycle. | ||
| Does he want to be an architect? | ||
| Isn't that his dream? | ||
| His whole thing was about designing buildings and shit like that. | ||
| That's the kind of dreams you get when you fuck too much top shelf pussy. | ||
| I just wish I was a peasant, a cobbler, a shoemaker. | ||
| Kind of what I'm going. | ||
| He's just smacking Angelina Jolie off his dick. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Do you think she's the ultimate? | ||
| No, not even by a long shot. | ||
| That's a crazy bitch. | ||
| She had her blood and Billy Bob's blood. | ||
| They would carry him around and vibe. | ||
| Like kissing her brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love shit like that. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love shit like that. | |
| I think she's the sexiest woman on earth. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just because she's fucking crazy. | |
| Thank God you're a girl. | ||
| Sexy girls are like, I think she's so sexy. | ||
| My wife has a pretty good choice and pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it just drops. | |
| The idea that she does have something loose, which means when in bed, she would be fucking clean. | ||
| Yeah, let her drink blood. | ||
| Let her drink the blood. | ||
| She's got that toothpick olive butt. | ||
| She's too skinny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does she have? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| She's very thin. | ||
| She looks weird. | ||
| I mean, she's gorgeous. | ||
| Her face is flawless. | ||
| She's absolutely outstanding. | ||
| But crazy. | ||
| Yeah, she's gorgeous. | ||
| But crazy chicks. | ||
| Crazy chicks to me are disgusting. | ||
| I look at crazy chicks and I just go, might as well be a dude. | ||
| That's not even remotely interesting. | ||
| It's all because... | ||
| My take on it has differed radically in my life. | ||
| It was one important time I was always attracted to crazy chicks and I surrounded myself with crazy chicks because they were the most fun. | ||
| And then one of them killed one of my friends. | ||
| Yeah, murder-suicide. | ||
| And so that was it for me. | ||
| I was like, all right, fucking, no, I want nice. | ||
| Like, this is a stupid fucking addiction. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| She was crazy as a shithead. | ||
| Crazy and pilled out. | ||
| Pilled out. | ||
| Cocoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's different, though. | |
| Pilled out is different. | ||
| That's that way. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Crazy is willing to go crazy in a bunch of different ways. | ||
| Crazy's not going to go all natural. | ||
| I'm crazy, but I drink wheatgrass juice and go to yoga. | ||
| No, sometimes they do meth. | ||
| Yeah, also in that package that you're talking about, how crazy is also that vindictive jealousy that women can get for a man's success when they're in the same career as them and one doesn't have any success of any type. | ||
| There was a lot of issues with that little situation. | ||
| We're talking about Phil Hartman to not dance around it. | ||
| There was a lot of issues with that. | ||
| There was a, you know, what it was is he had, you know, settled with a woman that he liked 30% of the time. | ||
| 70% of the time, he wanted to run the fuck away from her, and she was crazy, and, you know, she would party, and it was just a really unhealthy relationship. | ||
| And I learned a lot from that man. | ||
| I learned, I'd never been around people that really despised each other and were like really high-profile and successful. | ||
| And she would say biting, evil shit to him in public so that he would feel uncomfortable and she would embarrass him. | ||
| Like we were at a party and Phil came over with his wife. | ||
| He's like, hey, Joe, he's always like super friendly, the nicest guy to everybody. | ||
| Fucking craft service guy. | ||
| Bob, the best bagel man. | ||
| He's just one of these dudes that everybody fucking loved him. | ||
| So he comes over and we're talking and somehow or another, his wife, oh, he got a new car. | ||
| He had this new car that he really liked. | ||
| And his wife goes, I want to get a pickup truck. | ||
| I want to get a pickup truck because it reminds me of guys that I used to fuck when I was younger. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| And she just laughs. | ||
| Oh, she didn't say fuck. | ||
| She said sleep with. | ||
| She took it classy. | ||
| And she goes, Phil doesn't like pickup trucks, but he's too old. | ||
| And it was just like crazy. | ||
| Like you could see the bubble inside his head. | ||
| Just don't let it out. | ||
| Don't scream. | ||
| Get medicated. | ||
| Get a drink quick. | ||
| And she did a couple of them. | ||
| She did a couple of those. | ||
| A couple of Phil's old and guys I used to date when I was younger. | ||
| Like you're like, just fucking one person after another person's feelings, trying to play a little game. | ||
| Let me see if I can score on you. | ||
| Let me see if I can fuck with you. | ||
| Let me see if I can make you feel like shit. | ||
| But you're living with this person and you're raising children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they think that's the only way to keep them is to bring them down? | |
| No, they're broken. | ||
| They're broken. | ||
| They have terrible patterns. | ||
| Nobody's ever explained it to them. | ||
| They've never done ecstasy. | ||
| They've never been in an ayahuasca ceremony. | ||
| They need to do something. | ||
| They have terrible patterns. | ||
| I'm going to fucking borrow that. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| Terrible patterns. | ||
| People get stuck in repeating themselves, even if it makes no sense. | ||
| I learned that years ago when I took cognitive therapy a long time ago, and that's how she described it, Timmy. | ||
| It's like pouring water down a path. | ||
| After a while, it'll always go down the same side. | ||
| It's very hard to change that path, man. | ||
| Very, very, very hard. | ||
| I did, though. | ||
| It was a big change in my life. | ||
| Well, I think you, like a lot of guys, I said, you had a traumatic childhood. | ||
| And traumatic childhoods, I think, you know, it forces you to run faster than most people feel comfortable running. | ||
| It forces you to cover more ground in your life. | ||
| I run very fast, too. | ||
| Mentally. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that too. | ||
| Mind sign. | ||
| But I sprint. | ||
| That's very, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| Yeah, I know I've had a bunch of patterns in my life where I'm like, am I letting this weird pattern define me when this is not even what I like to do? | ||
| Like, why is this, why am I stuck doing the same thing over and over again? | ||
| Why do I have the same sabotage things that keep happening in my life? | ||
| Your evolution's been interesting, though, because it's one that's voyeuristic to a lot of people that are fans of yours and well as people that like and know you. | ||
| Because I've watched you online and the things you talk about and the more complexities and the more understandings you get and your passions and your stuff because you live life out loud through the help of this media savvy motherfucker. | ||
| But it's neat because watching somebody else evolve inspires other people to involve evolve. | ||
| Well, you know, I'm just doing what all these other people are doing too. | ||
| It's just more high profile. | ||
| It's like we're all in it together, you know. | ||
| I mean, one of the coolest things about this internet experience is the sharing of information and ideas. | ||
| Like, somebody sent me some video today of some fucking guy in the jungle climbing to this top of this tree to get some honey, and he's climbing up with these leaves and fires that got a hot ember in the leaves. | ||
| And he goes, this fucking tree is like 500 feet in the air. | ||
| And this guy's slowly climbing up to the top of this tree so he can get some honey. | ||
| We were doing the podcast on Tuesday or yesterday. | ||
| We were doing the podcast yesterday, and the power went out, and we were like, bitches. | ||
| The power went out in this fucking house on a paved road with no wild animals anywhere to be seen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Joey Diaz is like, you know, you better call the gas and electric cocksucker. | |
| You better start a fire. | ||
| You better get the kids in the car and get ready to get to the airport. | ||
| You got to get the fuck out of here, Joe Rogan. | ||
| There's lions, there's tigers, and bears. | ||
| So he starts going off about it. | ||
| And I'm thinking while I'm watching this fucking guy climb this tree, I'm like, wow, this is another reality right here on Earth, 2011, human beings. | ||
| They could live this way where you're terrified when the lights go out, or you could climb a 500-foot fucking tree with a vine, wrapping a vine around and pulling themselves up step by step all the way to the top to get some honey. | ||
| You're either terrified when they go out or you're terrified when they go on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This dude was getting fucked up by bees too. | |
| 500 feet in the air, fucked up by bees. | ||
| Can you imagine that guy walking home into his hut and having his wife start talking about minuscule bullshit? | ||
| You know what someone so said at the tree today? | ||
| It was so deep. | ||
| It was so deep. | ||
| The kids were watching. | ||
| You know, he's way the fuck up there and the kids are watching. | ||
| And then, you know, he's talking while it's happening. | ||
| You know, he was like doing a narration, not while he's actually climbing. | ||
| But he was talking about how many of his friends have died doing it. | ||
| So there he's climbing up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We love honey. | |
| We have honey. | ||
| Wrap your head around that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can go to the store. | |
| You're a woman. | ||
| You know that he's only bringing home because the woman is ditching for honey. | ||
| I'll get stung climbing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wouldn't do that for her. | |
| It was vital nutrition. | ||
| They were saying it was vital nutrition for his family. | ||
| Yeah, it's for his family. | ||
| He was describing it, how the bee pollen and phyton fed them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's very, especially in the areas that it's naturally grown. | ||
| Like they say that that's the best, one of the best methods for avoiding getting colds in any particular area. | ||
| It used to be get bees from that area and eat their raw honey. | ||
| And then it would give you some sort of a natural boost to your immune system. | ||
| Probably makes the pussies taste better, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Fucking jumbo pussy. | ||
| It's like pineapple to load. | ||
| Jumbo pussy. | ||
| Jungle pussy. | ||
| Oh, jungle pussy. | ||
| I thought you said jumbo. | ||
| The propolis inside of the bee stuff actually kills infections. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Other than sulfates, it's the next best thing to fight infections after. | |
| It's fucking trippy that bees are dying like a motherfucker. | ||
| They've figured it out, though. | ||
| In the last couple months, the massive hive death. | ||
| They've figured out that it's a combination, they're pretty sure of a combination of a mite and a fungus together when they happen is causing. | ||
| I thought there was still some debate. | ||
| Well, they found a resistant hive group outside, actually, in England. | ||
| That's why I know it because it was in The Guardian. | ||
| And they're trying to cross-breed them now with all the other bees. | ||
| Oh, they're going to make super bees and fuck the world. | ||
| The last time we did it was fucking killer bees. | ||
| The next one's going to be serial killer bees. | ||
| You know what's going to happen? | ||
| They're going to make these killer bees that are going to get tuned into all the Wi-Fi signals, and they're going to decode all the ones and zeros and become super intelligent. | ||
| And they're going to grow. | ||
| They're going to grow to the size of horses. | ||
| Flying, super intelligent super bees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the other ones are just going to tune into Rush Limbaugh. | |
| Giant ass beehives. | ||
| A beehive bigger than the fucking Staple Center. | ||
| They'll crawl into our houses and steal our OxyContin. | ||
| Yeah, they'll come out, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm laughing too much. | ||
| What do you think about guys like Rush Limbaugh that are obviously playing a game? | ||
| I think he's in it for the money. | ||
| He doesn't give a shit about what he's talking about. | ||
| He's obviously a performer. | ||
| We were talking about Dennis Miller before you got here. | ||
| We were talking about Dennis Miller. | ||
| It was on the Bill O'Reilly show, and he's like a fucking, like a salesman. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| He's like pitching for Republicans. | ||
| He had Bill O'Reilly had been on. | ||
| We'd already explained this before, so I'll be really brief. | ||
| Bill O'Reilly had some guy on that was claiming that Fox News was saying that people would go to jail if they didn't get health insurance. | ||
| And Bill O'Reilly was saying, no, we've never said that. | ||
| And then they show like instance after instance, like over and over and over again, of them actually saying that. | ||
| And that's what's funny about the video. | ||
| But at the end of the video, Dennis Miller goes on the Bill O'Reilly show, and he's talking about this instance where the guy was clearly right. | ||
| But Dennis is like, how about that guy yesterday showing up without the facts? | ||
| The guy walk around carrying his hat in his hand. | ||
| I'm like, and he had this like really bad like Monday Night Football Era one-liner that he went with it. | ||
| You know, back since Till LaHun was on the first proud, you know, one of those fucking nonsensical, it doesn't mean anything. | ||
| I'm just happy that you got through it, so I'll laugh with you. | ||
| You know, you're not saying anything, you know. | ||
| And I was like, wow, how weird is this that a comic is doing this? | ||
| A comic is like pitching. | ||
| He's such a weird guy, though. | ||
| So good back in the day. | ||
| Well, that's because David Feldman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
David Feldman wrote all his material for his HBO special. | |
| I did not know this. | ||
| Yeah, who now is the head writer for Bill Maher. | ||
| But you can see when they changed. | ||
| You can see when they changed quality-wise. | ||
| Bennis Miller was great, great. | ||
| And then Feldman left. | ||
| I sort of attributed his weirdness to the 9-11 thing because after 9-11, he went right-wing, you know? | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Yeah, he, yeah. | ||
| I had an opportunity to talk to him once. | ||
| I've actually talked to him on the air before. | ||
| I actually like him. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| I've met him. | ||
| I've talked to him on the radio. | ||
| He's a fucking good dude, man. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| Back in the old days, I mean, I don't know who wrote the shit that, you know, I don't know the deal behind it, but there was one time where I was at a urinal. | ||
| Him and I had a urinal, and it was like 2001 at one of these NBT things. | ||
| And it was the first time I ever met him. | ||
| And he's right there. | ||
| We're pissing right next to each other. | ||
| And he's, you know, he's being a nice guy. | ||
| He's like, hey, so, Joey, you got yourself a hit there, buddy. | ||
| You know, and I'm just like, yeah, man, it's fun. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Congratulations, man. | ||
| You deserve it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| So he's being a nice guy. | ||
| I just want to go, what's up with that whole fucking Bush thing, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, dude? | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're not going to make fun of jokes about Bush because he's your boy? | ||
| Do you know what's going on in the world? | ||
| Do you know what the fuck is happening? | ||
| I wanted to say that to him. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| But I didn't want to be a douchebag and I didn't want to. | ||
| I mean, it's not something you can ask someone and when you're pissing. | ||
| That's something when you got someone over your house, you know, you're not going anywhere for three hours. | ||
| You can ask them a question, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can delve into the complexities of why you support one idea or another, man. | ||
| I don't really care, though. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| Like, he's not one of those guys that, I mean, his comedy I liked, but I don't really care what he thinks. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I care what everybody thinks. | ||
| I do to a certain degree, but when I find it's like, I don't know, there's certain things. | ||
| Like Bill O'Reilly, actually, I watch all the time. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I find him so entertaining. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but I get just a kick out of him. | ||
| Limbo's entertaining, too. | ||
| Limbo can be an. | ||
| It's funny because I like listening to both sides. | ||
| Actually, I find a lot of left-wing radio really boring. | ||
| Some of it is so ridiculous, too. | ||
| It's like, you know, there's certain conversations they get into. | ||
| It's like, we're like, look, man, you're not doing anything any different than the other side. | ||
| You're just being completely ridiculous and segmented into your own ideology. | ||
| You've got it all boxed up in a, you know, a clean package where this is acceptable and this is not, and you're not willing to consider other things. | ||
| I like Rachel Maddow, and I like Bill Maher, and I love Jon Stewart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cole Bear's got to be the most brilliant guy I've ever seen in my fucking life. | |
| They're all brilliant. | ||
| You can't not be brilliant to get to that spot. | ||
| It's just, it's really funny that there's not that many people that are in the right that are making fun of shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like there's a comic. | ||
| I'm just not very good because they don't like sarcasm. | ||
| Well, Norton is a Republican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he? | |
| Yeah, Norton goes on Fox News all the time. | ||
| So he's Apollo. | ||
| Yeah, brilliant. | ||
| He's a brilliant comic. | ||
| And Norton is a brilliant guy. | ||
| I really love that guy. | ||
| He's smart as fuck. | ||
| And, you know, he's just got this real conservative way of, and he can argue it. | ||
| He's very intelligent, you know? | ||
| But apart from him and a couple other guys, like, you know, there's so many fucking left-wing comedy shows making fun of the news, but there's very few making fun of and supporting the regime. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah, I just think there's too many people in the debate at this point. | |
| I also think it's not a joke to them. | ||
| None of it's not funny. | ||
| Right, but you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not funny. | |
| It's not a joke. | ||
| Like the Democrats, like Stewart clearly supports Obama to a certain extent. | ||
| I mean, they goof on him too. | ||
| They goof on everybody. | ||
| They have to, right, to be taken seriously. | ||
| And themselves, which is important. | ||
| But clearly, you know, you would see when Bush was in office, he was like, that was, they were going after them. | ||
| They were going after their ideas and exposing how ridiculous they were, right? | ||
| You don't see, what I'm saying is you don't see any right-wing comedians that were like supporting Bush with comedy, going after it and supporting it, you know, exposing the stories in the news. | ||
| And this is why it's good. | ||
| And these dumbasses that don't understand this, this is why they're wrong. | ||
| It's like the comedy is always against it. | ||
| Yeah, that's very true. | ||
| I don't know what that is, the fodder, why one is fodder for their community to laugh at and one isn't. | ||
| Did you watch the CPAC fundraising the other day? | ||
| When they were yelling at Dick Cheney, calling him a war criminal. | ||
| How weird was it when he got on stage and he went crazy? | ||
| He looked so different, didn't he? | ||
| It's like his face shrunk. | ||
| Well, you know he doesn't have a pulse. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he's an animated corpse. | ||
| No, but he really doesn't have a pulse. | ||
| He's got some new crazy sort of a pacemaker inside of him. | ||
| That just literally flows. | ||
| You put your finger like that. | ||
| He does not have a pulse. | ||
| It's just constantly moving through his body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's not the sign of the apocalypse that the right-wing Christians are scared of? | |
| Yeah, the one guy who's made more money and promoted war better than anybody. | ||
| I mean, that guy made a ton of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't they talk about a guy coming back from the dead in the fucking apocalypse? | |
| The right-wing Christians should be all over this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, but he supports them. | ||
| It's a tricky little fucking marriage. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Marriage of Christians and killers. | ||
| You know, it's fascinating. | ||
| Somehow or another amalgamated. | ||
| All the extremist religions are like that. | ||
| I don't want to just point at Christians, but fucking Muslims are. | ||
| Absolutely, absolutely. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everybody's just absolutely awful to each other. | ||
| Well, you know, well, even if they're great to each other, you're still locked into some nutty ideology. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| A positive story, if I could. | ||
| Everybody always talks about negative stuff about Muslims, if I could say something. | ||
| The Coptic Christians that were getting blown up in the churches in Egypt, this is my favorite story I saw on the news. | ||
| After 61 of them were killed in Alexandria, the local Muslim community offered to walk them to church every day to protect them from attacks. | ||
| Yeah, I read about that. | ||
| I thought that was like this should be in the news more. | ||
| It's not one billion crazy people. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Small percentage, and here's some compassion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Extremely small percentage. | |
| Yeah, but you know, there's a lot of nice Christians. | ||
| I've met a lot of good Christians. | ||
| You know, I've got sisters and people that... | ||
| What's up? | ||
| But I mean, people that really truly live by the principles and believe that it, you know. | ||
| It's just the dogmatic blindness to other people, you know. | ||
| To anything, right? | ||
| To anything. | ||
| To global warming. | ||
| You know, why are you so goddamn invested in the fact that global warming is natural? | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, why are you so crazy? | ||
| natural cycle people fucking scream at you telling you that gloom you're You don't even know about the global warming, pseudoscience, and alcohol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That cocksucker's flying around in a fucking $7 million jack. | |
| That guy's making billions off us. | ||
| Billions, really? | ||
| It's a fucking business, kid. | ||
| It's a business. | ||
| I think it's all a distraction, global warming, though. | ||
| Like, to distract us from our big worries, which is the ocean dying and the loss of topsoil. | ||
| The ocean dying is one thing. | ||
| How about the goddamn garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific? | ||
| It's like the size of a continent now. | ||
| Jesus, yeah. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a micropelip. | |
| It was bigger than Texas. | ||
| It was bigger than Texas at one point in time, and now they're saying it's like fucking half of North America. | ||
| It's like insanely big. | ||
| They don't even know how big it is, really, because they haven't done like an accurate survey. | ||
| They would have to like go around this thing and get submarines and figure out because it's like a lot of it's floating under the surface of the water so you can't even see it. | ||
| It's these micro tiny micro pellets too of the plastic because it dissolves into the usable form for more. | ||
| We never even heard about this until like a few years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember when they said it was the size of just Manhattan. | |
| That was about what was it, 10 years ago maybe? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Do you think it's gotten that much bigger that quicker? | ||
| Or were they just wrong? | ||
| Maybe they just had bad surveying of it? | ||
| I mean, they must be using satellites, right? | ||
| It's in the center of the Pacific, though, which nobody really travels to. | ||
| If you look at the shipping routes, they all go around it. | ||
| So it's not even part of what's going on. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| There's no land around it. | ||
| We are fucking cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, there never used to be that much garbage, so maybe it has just happened that recently. | |
| Well, how the fuck? | ||
| Is it water bottles? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's popping. | |
| It's goddamn water bottles. | ||
| Yeah, and it's poisoning the ocean. | ||
| But how do they get rid of it? | ||
| What do they freak that? | ||
| A huge broom? | ||
| You let it solidify, and you turn it into a bridge that we can drive trucks across. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can just light it all on fire. | ||
| That'll solve it. | ||
| That's what BP wants to do with it right now. | ||
| If we light the oil on fire, that's got to be better for the environment. | ||
| This BP thing must have freaked you out. | ||
| Did it freak you out? | ||
| Nah, at first it freaked me out, but I was like, it was bound to happen. | ||
| And it's going to happen again. | ||
| We're going to have another thing just as bad. | ||
| I think these mega-apocalyptic sort of environmental disasters are going to speed up as we're desperately scrounging for the last available different types of resource. | ||
| Not just we're running out of every type of resources, rare metals, all sorts of things. | ||
| These open-pit mines around the world, we're going deeper and deeper. | ||
| We're just, as we scrounge for the last little bits, we're going to sacrifice a whole lot more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long does it take to make topsoil? | |
| Oh, topsoil takes 6,000 years per quarter inch. | ||
| Not how I make it, bro. | ||
| Make that shit quick. | ||
| My uncle, he knows what to do. | ||
| We got the stevia. | ||
| I got the grinder. | ||
| We're going to produce. | ||
| We bang some rocks with some hammers and then take your shit on it and leave it there for a couple weeks. | ||
| Topsoil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| As we're watching food prices right now just skyrocket around the world. | ||
| Like most of the time, recently, right? | ||
| In the last 40 years, unbelievable growth. | ||
| 29%, something crazy like that. | ||
| Some up to 300%, despending on what you're talking about. | ||
| And this is causing greater and greater poverty and disparity, even though our problem has always been distribution. | ||
| The price of food is being priced out of a portion of about one quarter of the Earth's population. | ||
| And we're using less and less land for arable resources as we're expanding out. | ||
| We're expanding our cities out. | ||
| We're expanding our mining out. | ||
| And there's less and less grazing farmland. | ||
| And some countries are predicting this. | ||
| You look at China right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're buying up arable land all across Africa. | |
| They're planning on this crunch that's going on. | ||
| They brought up Madagascar, Tanzania, Zambia, these massive acreages where they're growing food just for China right now. | ||
| The U.S. doesn't have a commercial entity that's doing anything similar to this right now. | ||
| Monsanto, being the big sort of influencer in global food, is actually shrinking the amount of arable land by forcing people to use these fucking genetic resource seeds that can afford it. | ||
| And those who can't afford it don't grow crops. | ||
| We were talking about Monsanto yesterday and the fact that it's believed they've acquired Blackwater. | ||
| They've done it through some sort of a third party. | ||
| There was talk about them acquiring it. | ||
| And the official story from the people that have investigated it, they say literally there's no way to tell whether or not Monsanto has picked up Blackwater. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Blackwater is a mercenary outfit that was one of the most popular ones during the Iraq war. | ||
| They actually had to change their name because they did so much fucked up shit. | ||
| I forget what they changed their name. | ||
| They weren't under USMC military court justice when they were in Iraq. | ||
| So they could do stuff that the military get prosecuted for, like shoot civilians in the back, stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, you know, I don't know if, again, I have a... | |
| But they were involved in a lot of sketchy stuff, you know? | ||
| And not all of them, but I think a lot of them. | ||
| What we were talking about is how crazy it is that everybody talks about how ruthless these seed companies are, Monsanto, especially. | ||
| They're prosecuting people who have their seeds who've just cross-pollinated, you know, they get in the breeze and they grow on someone's fields. | ||
| And now they sue these guys. | ||
| And it's the nuttiest thing. | ||
| Like they've patented nature. | ||
| They've patented living things. | ||
| So by genetically modifying it, then they can claim to own it. | ||
| And their idea is to eventually have, that's the only kind of food you can get is shit that they own. | ||
| They're going to own all the food. | ||
| I mean, it's insanity. | ||
| They're patenting human genes. | ||
| Yes, and animal genes, too. | ||
| They patented pigs. | ||
| They patented parts of, they're trying to patent parts of pigs. | ||
| The breast cancer gene, the gene that causes breast cancer, they patented and charged universities $150,000 if they wanted to use it to research breast cancer cures. | ||
| And now they have an army. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Things are going well. | ||
| But here's what I wanted to ask you by bringing up this fucking doom and gloom. | ||
| Do you choose how much to, and one of the reasons why is because this is a very main idea that I've been bouncing around in my head lately. | ||
| Do you choose how much negative shit you allow to get in your head? | ||
| Interesting question. | ||
| Do you choose, like, I mean, you look at something like this, what Blackwater did and, you know, what's going on over here, and what happened to that lady in Egypt, the reporter, and you're like, okay, how much of this is really affecting me? | ||
| That's a really good question because that's something I battle with all the time. | ||
| And I try to limit my psychology of getting dark rather than I'll still, I'll read everything I can. | ||
| I never stop reading about the negative stuff. | ||
| But if I feel myself getting sort of like caught in a whirlpool of negativity, I pull myself out and do other stuff. | ||
| That's a very good way to look at it. | ||
| Yeah, and I try and read some positive things. | ||
| I try to balance it out with good news. | ||
| Technology generally is where I find good news. | ||
| And I read about guys like Camzen and his inventions of water purification and the different stuff. | ||
| I haven't heard this. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, the guy that invented the two-wheeled Segway. | ||
| He's doing all these low-tech devices to purify water across Africa that costs nothing to run. | ||
| He's doing all these positive things for the world using technology. | ||
| And there's a lot of hope in this section. | ||
| I try to balance my negative stuff with that. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's a good way to do it, man. | ||
| You got to try to, as much as you can, manage the kind of frequency that your mind carries around in it. | ||
| But this is a good segue to my podcast that I want you to do for 50 minutes on, which if people want to have him on, we haven't put him up yet, but we're interviewing all sorts of people from different fields about how they think the world's going to end and what's going to cause it. | ||
| Well, it's not going to end. | ||
| People are so silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And even for my podcast, the world's not going anywhere, man. | |
| Or society. | ||
| Society is going to morph. | ||
| Look, we are not amoebas anymore. | ||
| And the universe, 4 billion years ain't shit to the universe. | ||
| 4 billion years is 14 billion since the Big Bang. | ||
| So there's 10 more to go. | ||
| What? | ||
| 14 years for the Big Bang? | ||
| No, 9 billion until the Big Bang. | ||
| 14 billion years ago, the Big Bang happened. | ||
| I think it's 9, isn't it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| And they stretch that back and forth, too. | ||
| There's a lot of times they believe. | ||
| There's a new theory that it's a cyclical thing, and that the entire cycle of the Big Bang to compression expansion is just, it goes on and on and on and on and on forever. | ||
| That's been a theory for a while. | ||
| But also, how do you measure time when time itself is a relative sort of component of a fourth dimension that didn't exist prior to the Big Bang? | ||
| So everything as it's expanding is actually kind of how do you go time? | ||
| Because it's all subjective for anybody else to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's impossible to wrap your head around because there's time on hot tops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, your fucking clock says 10 o'clock, stupid. | |
| Yeah, but I'm traveling at according to the speed of light, so it's actually 9. | ||
| But there is a measurement. | ||
| You're measuring time. | ||
| Like people that say time doesn't exist, that's kind of silly because it exists when you can measure it. | ||
| Well, it gives illustration to entropy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it doesn't, I think it's not that time doesn't exist, it's that it doesn't matter because there really is no beginning and an end. | ||
| That's all the illusion. | ||
| The illusion is the shit that you're thinking that these distinct moments that you've created, like these beginning and the end. | ||
| Time exists, the illusion is us going forward. | ||
| Because it could be either directional. | ||
| Here's proof that time exists. | ||
| Fucking cameras, okay? | ||
| Cameras take pictures of shit when you look different, stupid. | ||
| Time exists. | ||
| It's going on. | ||
| It's moving. | ||
| Hear that stupid? | ||
| It just goes on forever, and you're this weird integer in time. | ||
| when you take a video of something with your iPhone, you're time capturing. | ||
| You're capturing a very minuscule point, something, an image, a visualization from something that doesn't even exist anymore. | ||
| That's why it's the trippiest thing to watch videos of people that are dead now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But even us, we're not the same person we were seven years ago. | ||
| All of our cells and every part of our body has been exchanged for something that used to be there. | ||
| Except the neurons, which is fascinating because the real question is, where are the memories held? | ||
| Where are the memories held? | ||
| Are all your memories just second-hand stories that one cell told the next cell before they died? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, when we were a kid, we fell off the monkey bar. | |
| That's how we broke our arm. | ||
| Don't forget. | ||
| Don't forget this critical story. | ||
| Careful on monkey bars when sweaty palms. | ||
| You know, I mean, how do I know that I fell off a monkey bar when I was six and snapped my arm? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| I remember being in the hospital. | ||
| If every brain cell in my body has been replaced and it's happened every seven years, that's a long ass time ago. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| How do I have this memory? | ||
| But you do. | ||
| So a lot of the thoughts are maybe they're non-local. | ||
| Maybe memories and consciousness, maybe that's non-local. | ||
| Maybe the body, the reason why when the body is deteriorated, it's ineffective at recalling memories might not just be the memories that are stored in your body. | ||
| So your body's a shit antenna now and it can't tune into whatever the frequency that your life was operating with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We live on Nabu with the people from Avatar. | |
| I'm not telling you to tune into a tree, bro. | ||
| That's even crazy for me, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's kind of what it's all. | |
| Yeah, I wonder if you're, because your memory isn't just your brain. | ||
| You have like the, just your senses have a memory too, right? | ||
| So if you didn't actually go through something, you wouldn't, you wouldn't feel like you had. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It depends how old you were when you did. | ||
| Some people think that memory is something that everything has, that even houses and trees and cars and water. | ||
| Yeah, everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got a certain sense of it. | |
| Do you know that Japanese guy that does things to water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that real? | |
| No. | ||
| No, it's fake. | ||
| Most of the science is absolutely, you can't call it science. | ||
| There's no accurate research. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, he's doing it sort of an artistic thing. | ||
| What he's doing is taking photographs of things when he says evil things to them, right? | ||
| Or chosen for them and thinking good thoughts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was originally illustrated in the movie Down the Rabbit Hole, wasn't it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then when you go online, there's a, because that was one of the, after that movie, didn't you go online and look up a lot of shit? | ||
| I remember going through that. | ||
| The research behind that was, there's no been any scientific, true research that has had any effectual showing of that. | ||
| So, but does that mean that he lied? | ||
| Because if he took these photos, he never actively took those photos? | ||
| No, no, I think he did take those photos, but I don't think we're taking, we're trusting somebody's word of mouth for it. | ||
| So no one's recreated is what you're saying. | ||
| I mean, that's what science needs. | ||
| It seems like it's just water. | ||
| How hard would it be to recreate that? | ||
| It seems like if that was true, then people would be doing it all over the place. | ||
| What do you need? | ||
| You need a microscope, tele camera, microscope, camera, and you need some water. | ||
| How hard is it to get water? | ||
| You know, what the fuck, what are you doing with the water? | ||
| I've never been a big fan of the positive thought sort of movements. | ||
| Like a secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, if you wish hard enough, it'll happen, Harry Potter generation. | |
| Well, the really evil thing is, you know, I had a friend who was really into this, and he was really telling me at one point in time that, you know, he doesn't even lock his doors because he doesn't believe in putting that out there and that I believe you create your destiny. | ||
| I go, yo, listen to me right now. | ||
| Babies get shot in drive-bys. | ||
| Those babies aren't creating their fucking destiny. | ||
| They get shot in drive-bys. | ||
| Random shit happens to people. | ||
| It can happen to you. | ||
| Don't get stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so few of those babies were actually involved in drug bangs that evolved kind of drunk bang. | |
| A few of them, but very few. | ||
| One Dave Chappelle joke that I recall that was hilarious. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Baby had babies. | ||
| He had to feed his babies. | ||
| That's why he's sliding rocks. | ||
| He talks about the little five-year-old on the corner of the street. | ||
| That's when you know it's a bad neighborhood. | ||
| Oh, man, you shouldn't be out here. | ||
| You're a baby. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Wait, have you, what happened to him? | ||
| He's somebody I know nothing about. | ||
| He's just fucking doing his thing, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just doing comedy. | ||
| God, he was funny. | ||
| He's still funny, man. | ||
| He was just performing recently in L.A. I think he was at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Or maybe the Laugh Factory. | ||
| I don't remember, but he's, you know, he's just trying to do comedy. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
| Do his shit. | ||
| Seems like he's just not into promoting himself anymore. | ||
| I think he got, I like it too. | ||
| He got a ton of fucking money when he did that show. | ||
| And I think what he likes to do now is just go up and do his thing. | ||
| How sweet would that be? | ||
| So he shows up with like, he did a show, I think it was in Seattle, where he pulled up a fucking, like one of those little mini speakers and a microphone in a park. | ||
| And he just sat down and just started doing comedy. | ||
| And fucking 2,000 people showed up. | ||
| And it was ridiculous. | ||
| You could find it online. | ||
| That's how he started. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched him do it once. | ||
| I was working with him when he was like, fucking God, he was like 18 years old, man. | ||
| It was in Montreal at the Comedy Festival. | ||
| And we had both done sets. | ||
| It was like, this is like early 90s, 93, 94, something like that. | ||
| And we had both done sets upstairs at this place called Club Soda. | ||
| And we went outside. | ||
| And when we went outside, Dave, just all these people around, Dave stops what he's doing and says, oh, y'all gather around here, gather around here. | ||
| I'm going to do some comedy for y'all. | ||
| Gather around, gather around. | ||
| And he'll put his hat out and accept donations and shit. | ||
| And he would do comedy. | ||
| He would do stand-up in the fucking street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder if he still accepts donations. | |
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Yeah, probably not anymore. | ||
| Now he just does it. | ||
| But he used to literally, he would just go out there and do fucking stand-up after a show to a bunch of passer-bys. | ||
| He would stop them, organize them, do it. | ||
| Apparently, he would do it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I remember watching a 60-minute special or 2020 or one of those news shows that were giving a profile of him and showing pictures of him on the streets of DC doing that. | ||
| Do you ever feel like when you see someone doing something like that? | ||
| Like, fuck, why am I not doing that? | ||
| I'm going out and doing it. | ||
| No, not me at all, man. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| I don't want to just grab you and say, let me give you my attention. | ||
| I'm not that charming. | ||
| I got into stand-up because I'm shy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I was afraid to talk to people. | ||
| And then, like, I don't know. | ||
| And then I got into it really because I love Sam Kinnison. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| That fucking changed my life. | ||
| He changed mine too. | ||
| A girl that I worked with changed my life by doing a Sam Kinnison bit for me, telling me how funny this guy was. | ||
| And she just saw him on HBO that night. | ||
| We were both 19. | ||
| And she was this really cool chick that I worked with. | ||
| She was hilarious. | ||
| And she loved that kind of comedy. | ||
| And she goes, oh my God, there's a fucking Boston accent. | ||
| This fucking guy, Sam Kinnison, oh my God, he is so fucking funny. | ||
| This is what this guy does. | ||
| And so she literally does his bit out in the parking lot, the bit about the homosexual necrophiliacs. | ||
| Like she's lying on her stomach going, oh, I mean, life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It never ends. | |
| So, think of like, this is my first introduction to Sam Kinnison. | ||
| It's this girl with this heavy Boston accent pretending to get fucked in the ass in a parking lot. | ||
| And I was like, Whoa, that's the craziest bit I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| I was howling, laughing. | ||
| And then I went out, I got a hold of the tape like a couple of months later, and then I was like, Wow, okay, this is comedy, too. | ||
| Like, I didn't think that was comedy. | ||
| I didn't think that was even an option. | ||
| I thought comedy was like what you see on the tonight show. | ||
| It's like, you know, it must be fun to be funny, but that's not how my brain works. | ||
| I had no idea that that's what comedy was about. | ||
| I was like 14 or 15 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My brother sent me a tape of Kinnison, and he was talking about religion. | |
| And you heard that, I grew up really strict, and I go, you can't talk about Jesus like this. | ||
| And I was listening, I was laughing so hard. | ||
| I go, fuck this. | ||
| This is what I need to do in my life. | ||
| And from a fucking former preacher, the whole thing was like the package was so ridiculous. | ||
| And a guy who was a victim of a head injury. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| That changed his personality, man. | ||
| I read his book, Brother Bill. | ||
| His brother wrote a book. | ||
| Great book if you're a Kinison fan. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| I went to his grave in Tulsa. | ||
| He hasn't read his book. | ||
| He was a regular kid, and then he got hit by a fucking car. | ||
| And when he got hit by a car, it changed him. | ||
| Changed his personality. | ||
| Became reckless. | ||
| Became a different person. | ||
| Yeah, became wild, became volatile. | ||
| You know, something screw got loose. | ||
| It's like that thing we were watching the other day about brain injuries and how the personality transitions, that people don't pay enough attention to head injuries as well. | ||
| Oh, the lead major impact. | ||
| That's a part of my business. | ||
| I'm around head injuries all the time. | ||
| Do you see that ever? | ||
| Do you ever see some fighters injury? | ||
| I've seen people change over the course of their career radically. | ||
| I've seen people that, you know, especially guys who get cut from the UFC and they wind up keep fighting in other organizations and they lose like a bunch of times by knockout. | ||
| It gets really weird when you're talking to them because as you're talking to them, like you can see a struggle. | ||
| We've all been in a situation where maybe you just woke up or you got a lot of shit on your mind and you're not that good at forming a sentence. | ||
| Somebody calls you out of the blue, brings up a subject you didn't expect. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Camera's in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We can all struggle to be inarticulate, but there's a weird vacancy, a truth when you're looking in someone's eyes and you know their brain's not working that good anymore. | ||
| And it's a sad thing. | ||
| It's a sad thing. | ||
| There's a dullness to their eyes and a struggle and a lost look. | ||
| Like they want someone to help them. | ||
| Like those guys, when they go, it's Lou Gehrigs and Alzheimer's and all sorts of different things. | ||
| When they go and it all shuts down, they're helpless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're scared. | |
| They're showing parts of that on Lights Out Holt's show. | ||
| Yeah, my buddy Holt McCallan's got the show on FX. | ||
| Tune in, please, the ratings need to go up. | ||
| Cub Lights Out. | ||
| Fucking awesome show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But my dad was a professional hockey player, and he's a wing nut. | |
| Like, he's a fucking wing nut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did he have a lot of concussions? | ||
| Lots. | ||
| He had 127 stitches in his face. | ||
| He doesn't have any of his teeth. | ||
| And they didn't wear helmets back then. | ||
| He played in the 50s. | ||
| He won the Stanley Cup with the Detroit Red Wings 53-54. | ||
| Damn, Knuckles. | ||
| My dad's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, he's still a son of a bitch because he'd come off the ice and then beat us up. | ||
| Yeah, so, but he was nuts. | ||
| Does he ever go to see your act? | ||
| Oh, he's never. | ||
| He doesn't even know what I do. | ||
| He doesn't even understand. | ||
| Comedy, people, what? | ||
| Pray for your soul. | ||
| Like, there's just no connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One day Peter's going to get a job. | |
| I'm like, he still thinks I'm going to be a priest. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You've met my wife, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll be a priest someday. | |
| So has he scrambled from all those years? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, between that and the alcohol. | ||
| But I never thought of the head injuries. | ||
| I just thought of that for the first time. | ||
| Excuse me, man. | ||
| I used to get headaches when I transitioned from taekwondo to kickboxing, I was like 21 years old. | ||
| I had to do a lot of boxing. | ||
| And when I did a lot of boxing, that wasn't what I was good at. | ||
| Taekwondo was a more kicking-oriented sport. | ||
| So when I started doing boxing, I started getting a lot of headaches, man. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| I boxed for three years, too. | ||
| I fucking loved it. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Did you like the headaches? | ||
| I never got the headaches. | ||
| I got to be honest with you. | ||
| Well, I'm 6'4. | ||
| And in my weight class, because I was fighting at, I think, 197, 1200, I was fighting guys that were 5'4, 200. | ||
| 5'4? | ||
| 200 pounds? | ||
| What are you fighting fucking Neanderthals? | ||
| Fighting controls. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I used to get the shit kicked out of me once they got in within my reach because it would just be body blows. | ||
| Nobody'd fucking take me down with my head because it'd just be straight through my stomach. | ||
| That's not tall for 6'4, though. | ||
| It doesn't make sense that everybody is for 197 pounds, nobody's money. | ||
| I mean, there's people that are that tall, but I mean, so many guys who are that short that are that heavy. | ||
| That's really unusual. | ||
| Everybody in my boxing club is short. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody. | |
| No, that's weird. | ||
| It's by the Klona thing. | ||
| By the way, it's also where you, you know, what level of boxer are you training with? | ||
| You know, like you're training with a bunch of killers. | ||
| And what's the style of boxing, too? | ||
| Some gyms, they don't spar hard. | ||
| They spar smart, you know, and they control each other's, you know. | ||
| Well, we got knocked down to the Taekwondo Club because the guy that was teaching down there wanted to help because he said their guys weren't punching properly enough enough. | ||
| So we used to interchange and spar with the people in Taekwondo. | ||
| I remember having a great little match going on and then the guy getting frustrated and fucking turning around and sweeping my legs out of nowhere. | ||
| Well, yeah, people do get frustrated when sparring. | ||
| It's such a creepy thing. | ||
| It's like you're kind of fighting, but not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and a lot of times it becomes fighting. | ||
| But the thing, the idea about headaches, I mean, I was fine and never got any like serious damage or concussions or anything like that. | ||
| But you know that it's possible and it could be coming. | ||
| You know, it's like these are the first blows, this headache that you get. | ||
| What if this is every day for the rest of your life? | ||
| What if you have to drink to try to just numb this and dull this down? | ||
| And a lot of people that are involved in football and combat sports, anything really extreme, you know, especially boxing because they take so much. | ||
| Like, you remember Terry Norris? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that guy? | |
| You ever seen him now? | ||
| No. | ||
| Scary, bro. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Scary as fuck. | ||
| Meldrick Taylor, too. | ||
| Brian, what are you doing? | ||
| Why is there noise playing? | ||
| There's music. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's out there. | |
| It's out there. | ||
| How can we hear that? | ||
| You've got the best sneakers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can even hear it when I take my ears off. | |
| I didn't. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It sounds so loud through me. | ||
| These fucking things are weird. | ||
| This is a really passive setup. | ||
| Did you do that? | ||
| We started out really scrubby, dude. | ||
| We started out with just a laptop and a webcam, and then the laptop and the webcam eventually became this. | ||
| I want to show Redman this. | ||
| I bought this for our thing and see what you think of this. | ||
| Brian keeps showing his phone at me, which means he has to go. | ||
| Oh, Okay. | ||
| So we're going to wrap this up because Brian's got to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Thank you to the fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and click the link, you can enter in the code name Joe Rogan, rather, and you get 15% off. | ||
| And this weekend, yeah, sure, sure, sure, hold up. | ||
| This weekend, Brea Improv with Joey Diaz and Arch Shafir, it's almost sold out. | ||
| Saturday night is already sold out. | ||
| There's only a few tickets left for Friday, and Sunday night is almost sold out, too. | ||
| So jump on that shit, bitches. | ||
| And Pete Johansson, how do they get a hold of you? | ||
| What's up with you having two Twitter accounts signed up? | ||
| Why are you using the wrong one? | ||
| Yeah, use the Pete Johansson one. | ||
| The other one's only got a thousand people. | ||
| We can get you more than that today. | ||
| Okay, well, I've never used the other one because the Pete Johansen I just took because I didn't want people taking the name because all these Swedish guys keep grabbing my shit with my name everywhere. | ||
| So I thought, oh, I'll get it right now so nobody uses it for sure. | ||
| Just run with that, man. | ||
| You know, that's your name, bro. | ||
| People need to follow you. | ||
| Well, my Facebook page is where I send most people to. | ||
| My facebook.com slash comicpete. | ||
| Okay, comic Pete? | ||
| Yeah, because I'd love to get up on that number because that has my global travelings. | ||
| Because coming up, England, lots of shows in England, then New Zealand Comedy Fest. | ||
| If anybody listens to Joe in New Zealand, come see me at the New Zealand Comedy Fest. | ||
| Come on, bitches. | ||
| You know, I got some New Zealand peeps up in the house. | ||
| Yeah, and my friend David Lee in Kelowna is a big fan of Joe Rogan's. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Told David Lee I said, what's up? | ||
| Runs an MMA gym. | ||
| What's up, David Lee? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for whatever. | ||
| You're fucking awesome. | ||
| You guys roll. |
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