Jan. 25, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:26:26
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience The next evolution of the podcast is complete, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It feels like a fucking radio station now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got real chairs instead of those goofy couches. | ||
| We got rid of that shit. | ||
| One of them's at Ari's house. | ||
| The other one's in Brian's place. | ||
| Which, by the way, I think he wants it now. | ||
| So now I'm like... | ||
| He wants your chair? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because he said, so what'd you do last night? | ||
| I went over to Joe's, helped him hook up the studio, and he goes, oh, yeah, well, I think I need to get to that chair. | ||
| Well, it works out because you can't even fit that chair anywhere in your house. | ||
| Well, I was thinking about doing something like Joe did, pretty much taking out my whole... | ||
| My office is just fucking scary. | ||
| I can't even go in my office. | ||
| It's just too much shit. | ||
| So I think I need to just empty the whole thing out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Redo it. | |
| Redo it from scratch. | ||
| Yeah, I still need to redo this area back here. | ||
| By the way, bitches, we are sponsored by the Fleshlight. | ||
| Holla at your boys at Fleshlight.com. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, you will get 15% off. | ||
| So you get a discount on your masturbation. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it costs, whether it's $50 or $60 or $100, it's worth it. | ||
| Because think about what a hooker costs, and you could shoot mad loads with this thing. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| If you've been watching Cops, some of these hookers are like $10. | ||
| I mean, they look like $10 hookers, but it's still... | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't think you want to get a $10 hooker ever in life. | |
| Speaking of $10 hookers, what the fuck did he say? | ||
| What are you about to say? | ||
| No, how rude. | ||
| We're here with Allison, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Allison, I don't even know your last name. | ||
| Allison Shula. | ||
| Shula, Allison Shula. | ||
| I know her as Allison Rocks from Twitter, R-O-X, and she's Brian's friend. | ||
| She's a young and upcoming stand-up comedian doing the fucking Hollywood shuffle out here making it happen, making it real. | ||
| She's a very cool chick and she rides motorcycles. | ||
| She's fucking crazy. | ||
| She's a lokester. | ||
| She's been brought into this world to slap Brian into gear. | ||
| Slap him in place. | ||
| Before we get started with anything entertaining, this weekend Ari and I are going to be at the West Palm Beach Improv. | ||
| It's the 28th, 29th, and 30th. | ||
| Oh, Brian's going to be there too. | ||
| We're going to have a big party. | ||
| Don't get mad at Brian if he's behind you making faces while you're taking pictures with me. | ||
| I kind of stopped doing that later. | ||
| You did stop doing it, but really you've done it for... | ||
| Six years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Six plus years and maybe taken 150,000 pictures? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You've really, for real, might have taken 150,000 pictures. | ||
| Oh, if not more than that. | ||
| Think about all the UFCs, all the comedy shows for six years, over and over and over again. | ||
| With that face? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That crazy bah face. | ||
| If you have any of these pictures, where can people send them? | ||
| We should create a Gmail. | ||
| We had one on MySpace for a while. | ||
| Did you end up deleting it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I tried to delete it. | ||
| They won't let me. | ||
| These fucks. | ||
| MySpace are so tricky. | ||
| They're like, yeah, we'll get back to you with an email. | ||
| It's like a girl that you can never break up with. | ||
| I'll call you back, and then we'll break up. | ||
| The bitch never calls you back. | ||
| You guys should make a tab on your webpage that just has those photos. | ||
| Like a photo gallery. | ||
| Yeah, we should. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| No, they're hilarious. | ||
| Dude, you know what's not funny? | ||
| Three of them. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| 300,000 of them. | ||
| That's when it gets funny. | ||
| It becomes hilarious because you just fucking committed to that shit for so long. | ||
| I would be like, this guy's a monster. | ||
| People give up on shit. | ||
| They have a silly idea and then they give up on it. | ||
| Brian will fucking ride that boat right into the rocks. | ||
| Run into the ground. | ||
| He hits the beach. | ||
| He's still in the boat. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And has to hit the rocks before he stops. | ||
| He's a determined little fella. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| He gets crazy ideas. | ||
| Well, that's why his videos are so good. | ||
| Because if he wasn't so determined, he wouldn't keep going. | ||
| He has all this cool footage and he puts it together, but that's not enough. | ||
| He always has to add a million different things and sound tweaks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Very underappreciated. | ||
| It's like drive. | ||
| People with motivation. | ||
| It's really nice when you meet people like that. | ||
| We've got to figure out a way to make money off your fucking video skills, dude. | ||
| I look at other people's videos online. | ||
| I look at your videos. | ||
| Dude, you've got some fucking mad talent when it comes to video editing. | ||
| The big problem, though, is that when I do it, I do so many layers and so many little things that no one will ever notice. | ||
| It's just like in my head, like a crazy person. | ||
| They do notice. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Dude, there's an artistic quality to these videos. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's an extra layer. | ||
| It's like the nuttiness when you're sipping wine. | ||
| I taste oak. | ||
| It squeezes the last brain juice out of my brain though. | ||
| And after I do one of those, I just want to fucking cry. | ||
| You don't want to do one for a long time. | ||
| I've been with Brian on both times of where he's kicked the power to his computer and lost his project. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the whole thing shuts down. | ||
| Because my fucking office sucks. | ||
| Because you've got numb feet, motherfucker. | ||
| You don't even know where you're walking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, yours is actually pretty good, but underneath my desk, it's just every single wire and a power cord. | ||
| This is updated. | ||
| This is updated. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I wanted to get those cord ties. | ||
| We redid the whole thing. | ||
| You don't give a fuck, because you're just listening, most of you. | ||
| But for the longest time, I just figured, well, I'll make it look like a living room, and we'll sit around. | ||
| And so I got couches, but couches fucking suck. | ||
| If you're sitting up and you're trying to talk to people, these are comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, way better. | ||
| This is way better. | ||
| So we've got office chairs. | ||
| Yeah, we've got a circular. | ||
| Snort cocaine off this table if we want to do that, dude. | ||
| We should start bad habits. | ||
| I've been living my life good for too long. | ||
| Time to start fucking up. | ||
| I don't know about these mic stands, though. | ||
| You don't know about them? | ||
| Yeah, because I kind of want to be able to go like this. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I think we're going to have to do? | ||
| We're going to have to get those ones that you have on the radio, like when you go to Opie and Anthony, and you have a mechanical arm. | ||
| We've got to get an arm. | ||
| I have those at my house. | ||
| They always break, but I think I got cheap ones, so maybe they make better ones. | ||
| Yeah, we've just got to talk to someone when we do radio in West Palm. | ||
| We'll find out where they buy their arms. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| We'll hook it up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Let me sleep. | |
| It's going to be fucking crazy. | ||
| So, please tell me what you were telling me before we started the podcast where I made you stop because it was so ridiculous. | ||
| We had to talk about this on the air. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Travolta. | |
| Oh, John Travolta is starring in the new Gotti movie. | ||
| He plays John Gotti as the lead role. | ||
| Okay, listen. | ||
| This had to have been a plot by the government. | ||
| Well, Gotti's dead, right? | ||
| He died in prison, didn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like saying they were just trying to fuck with him. | ||
| They're trying to kill him while he's in jail. | ||
| Is Sandy the Bold Gravano dead? | ||
| Is he still alive? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dude, I remember when I was a kid and this whole John Gotti thing was going down. | ||
| I guess I wasn't too kid-like. | ||
| I guess I was in my 20s when he was in his prime. | ||
| And it was so weird. | ||
| I was like, I didn't understand it. | ||
| It was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement. | ||
| Just walking down the street with fucking, you know... | ||
| $10,000 suits on and getting in the limousines and it was like, whoa, this guy doesn't... | ||
| He's ridiculous. | ||
| I watched a documentary on History Channel. | ||
| That's not how they're supposed to do it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| The whole thing about the mob was that they were all on the DL. Like, everybody was staying... | ||
| Like, Vincent the Chin Gigante. | ||
| He's a famous mobster. | ||
| You know one of the reasons why he's famous? | ||
| Because he pretended to be... | ||
| He was running everything, but he pretended to be completely insane. | ||
| Because he knew they were after him. | ||
| So he would walk around with slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes and just walk down the street and talk to himself. | ||
| And he would do it all fucking day. | ||
| And they kept the police away or people away? | ||
| Well, he's crazy. | ||
| You can't say he's not crazy. | ||
| So everything he says is fucking useless. | ||
| This guy's nuts. | ||
| Does he or does he not walk down the street in his underwear talking to himself all day long every day? | ||
| Yes, Your Honor, he does, but I don't think that... | ||
| There's no more talking. | ||
| This guy walks in his underwear. | ||
| Well, we think he's faking it. | ||
| How can you prove that everybody's faking it? | ||
| They just want free food. | ||
| They don't want free food in a bed. | ||
| There's no crazy people. | ||
| They're just pretending to be crazy so you take care of them. | ||
| You know, you can't say that. | ||
| You can't judge whether or not someone's crazy. | ||
| But whoever fucking thought that John Travolta should be John Gotti, that motherfucker's That's crazy. | ||
| That's funny, though. | ||
| It's revenge from the government. | ||
| Yeah, that's hilarious. | ||
| And let's see, who could we make his son? | ||
| Oh, his son is being cast by the guy, James Franco. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| James Franco. | ||
| Yeah, who also has some gaydar action going on on his side. | ||
|
unidentified
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Does he? | |
| Didn't he play a gay guy in that movie? | ||
| Harvey Mill. | ||
| He played it very well. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Well, you know, so did Sean Penn. | ||
| He's heterosexual. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| That's just me hating. | ||
| No, it is you hating, but it is true. | ||
| Your DNA repulses you from the idea of kissing men, even if it's for a fucking movie. | ||
| You know, it's like, I got good news and bad news. | ||
| Oh, okay, hit me with the good news. | ||
| Dude, you're going to be a fucking movie star. | ||
|
unidentified
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Shut up! | |
| For real? | ||
| Like a fucking movie? | ||
| Like, who am I playing with? | ||
| Dude, you're playing with Sean Penn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up! | |
| I'm co-starring with Sean Penn? | ||
|
unidentified
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Dude, what's up? | |
| Well, what's up is he gets to fuck you in this movie. | ||
| What's up is you have to make out with Sean Penn. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| I always wanted to work with Sean Penn. | ||
| He's just a brilliant actor. | ||
| I always imagined standing there with him at an award show. | ||
| We're both wearing suits and shit. | ||
| We thanked the Academy. | ||
| We're all respected and loved. | ||
| And here this motherfucker is right there at the door, right at the gate. | ||
| But now he's going to make out with Sean Penn. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| I would not do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wouldn't? | |
| No, I'm not interested in acting. | ||
| The acting to me, it would have to be something really fun. | ||
| I would love to play Wolverine in an X-Men movie, if there wasn't any guy that played it. | ||
| If they offered me something like that, I'd be like, dude, I'd love to be Wolverine. | ||
| I'd get on roids to play Wolverine. | ||
| I'd be like, I need to get yoked. | ||
| That would be a badass Wolverine, by the way. | ||
| That would be craziness. | ||
|
unidentified
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I would love to do that. | |
| Because I've seen you just training to do what? | ||
| That Wesley Snipes fight that never happened and you became a crazy badass. | ||
| I can't even imagine throwing Wolverine into the mix. | ||
| That would have been so much fun. | ||
| That Wesley Snipes thing obsessed me for like two months. | ||
| I'm really lucky that that didn't happen. | ||
| Because if I went out fighting him and liking it and then 10 years from now I'm just fucking completely gone. | ||
| I'm just forgetting where I leave my keys every five minutes. | ||
| You're not supposed to start fighting when you're like 43. I was 36 then or 37 then. | ||
| That's what's crazy about this Herschel Walker character. | ||
| You know Herschel Walker? | ||
| Football player? | ||
| You know the story behind this? | ||
| Swipe this. | ||
| This guy's 48 years old. | ||
| Heisman Trophy winner. | ||
| Super athlete. | ||
| Just a fucking prime example of perfect athleticism. | ||
| But this was a long time ago. | ||
| A long, long, long time ago. | ||
| And in this whole time where he hasn't been playing football, which has been a few years, he stayed in insane shape. | ||
| I mean, the guy's like super fucking dedicated to training. | ||
| And now he's like 48 years old, going to be 49 soon, and he's fighting this weekend on Strikeforce on Showtime. | ||
| He's become like an MMA fighter. | ||
| It's kind of fucking crazy. | ||
| But it's okay because he can still fight and all that, but he's just not going to repair as fast. | ||
|
unidentified
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If he gets injured. | |
| He's in amazing shape. | ||
| It just doesn't even make sense. | ||
| There was no 48-year-olds that were built like that when I was a kid. | ||
| When you were 48, you were someone's dad and maybe had old man strength in your arms, but you probably had a pot belly or at least a little bit of a gut, and you were probably scary because you would hit someone first. | ||
| But no one looked like fucking Herschel Walker. | ||
| He doesn't look like an old man that you shouldn't fuck with. | ||
| What, is he like a Bowflex body or something? | ||
| He looks ridiculous. | ||
| Full fucking 8-pack, just totally shredded, not an ounce of fat on his body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And here's the crazy shit. | ||
| He says he only eats soup and salad. | ||
| He has one meal a day. | ||
| Like, everything about this guy screams that he's a fucking alien. | ||
| Or bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He only eats super salad in my ass. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's all water-soluble. | ||
| He'd be dying. | ||
| He needs some meat. | ||
| Yeah, well, what is water-soluble? | ||
| Like, yeah, you would need protein, right? | ||
| Right through you, yeah. | ||
| Solid right through you. | ||
| Soup, it's liquid, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| That's crazy, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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He needs a nutritionist. | |
| But why does he say that? | ||
| Well, here's the other thing about it. | ||
| Because he wants to pump up his game. | ||
| That probably. | ||
| Well, he's obviously fucking insanely dedicated. | ||
| But he might be crazy. | ||
| Like, for legit crazy. | ||
| But he's had a bunch of mental health issues in the past. | ||
| The point where he has more than one personality. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Multiple personality disorder? | ||
| Yeah, he gets in front of the eye. | ||
| Yeah, so maybe the part that works out is different than the part that talks, and the part that talks doesn't get access to all the information. | ||
| I should date this guy. | ||
| It's right up my alley. | ||
|
unidentified
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It sounds like every chick you've ever dated, period. | |
| It's a funny thing when you find yourself dating a crazy person just to get some pussy. | ||
| Every guy's done it, Allison. | ||
| I think it goes both ways, though, because I've had my share of crazies. | ||
| Is it just to have a boyfriend? | ||
| Like, fuck it, I just... | ||
| No, it's like where they are cool for six months, and then all of a sudden it's like, what happened to you? | ||
| They get comfortable with you and know what doesn't freak you out, so then they start being their weird-ass selves. | ||
| Then you're like, where did the cool person go that I started going with? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, there is some kind of game when you first start dating where you're trying to be cooler than you are. | ||
| And it works for a while with them. | ||
| And then you start farting. | ||
| The key in life is to become that person. | ||
| Become that person who, when you first meet somebody, you can. | ||
| It's just, we get lazy. | ||
| You know, you really are that person at your very best. | ||
| Unless you're just a complete sociopath and you're absolutely bullshitting about it. | ||
| I fucking love dogs. | ||
| Meanwhile, you're deathly allergic. | ||
| You know, you could be one of those nuts. | ||
| But if not, you know, that's what everybody should aspire to, right? | ||
| You should aspire to be the person that you pretend you are when you're trying to get laid. | ||
| Yeah, I could have took that creamer in my coffee, but I said, you know, I'm allergic to milk. | ||
| Why would you take creamer? | ||
| Nobody gives a shit if you have a creamer in your coffee or not. | ||
| It's actually more of a bold choice if you have no cream. | ||
| Whenever someone wants black coffee, I'm like, you don't even give a fuck about flavor. | ||
| I started drinking coffee black. | ||
| I've been trying to sneak dairy into her diet without her knowing lately. | ||
| She's allergic to dairy, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| She has this thing, she's like, if someone ever farted around me, I would just end that relationship. | ||
| I wouldn't matter who it would be and stuff like that. | ||
| So now I'm like, oh yeah? | ||
| We can see what happens if you start shitting yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So what you were trying to do is get her sick because she won't let you fart in front of her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Wow. | ||
| What a grown up. | ||
| By the way, that guy's 36. Is that who just said that? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm just kidding. | |
| He's a grown ass man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm kidding. | |
| Brian's a grown ass man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm kidding. | |
| I'm in over my head right now. | ||
| And he's trying to get you to fart. | ||
| I was just acting like that crazy person. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I don't think they act that logically. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty thought out. | ||
| You had a nice route. | ||
| That's premeditated. | ||
| I'm going to jail for a lot longer from that shit. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, you've got to walk around in your underwear and pretend you're crazy. | ||
| Milk? | ||
| I don't even like milk. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| You have to come up with some reason for people to think you're crazy. | ||
| No, my mom would ask me, Allison, do you think you're lactose intolerant or is it all in your head? | ||
| And I'm like, why the fuck would it be all in my head doing that to myself? | ||
| It's people that believe that everything's all in your head. | ||
| All allergies can be alleviated with, no, they can't, stupid. | ||
| Babies are allergic to peanuts. | ||
| They die. | ||
| You're not allowed to give babies peanut butter because you have to find out if they're fucking allergic to peanuts. | ||
| How do you find out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You've got to find out. | ||
| Your milk thing happened later in your life, so is there something that broke your milk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| You just had five cheese pizzas one night or something? | ||
| I was 15 years old, and in the lunch line they had these cheese and egg bagels that were so good, so I got one and I ate it, and I was supposed to meet this guy I had a crush on after school, and I'm walking to his house, and halfway through I'm like... | ||
| I'm like, mom, pick me up. | ||
| I'm like, stop at that McDonald's. | ||
| And she's like, what's going on? | ||
| I'm like, I don't fucking know. | ||
| The next day I tested it out again. | ||
| Did you even check to see if the toilet was clean? | ||
| I didn't even give a shit. | ||
| It was a cleansing, yeah. | ||
| It's a fucking dirty thing, man, when you have to take a shit in a public toilet. | ||
| Oh, it's terrible. | ||
| You're just rubbing sweaty asses with some stranger. | ||
| And everybody sweats on those things, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seat cover. | ||
| Those seat covers are stupid, too. | ||
| Like when you're done with it and it kind of grabs onto the water and flushes down with it, you know, by that little arm. | ||
| And you see shit smeared all over them. | ||
| They always look stupid. | ||
| It never looks like it's supposed to be that way. | ||
| It never looks neat and tidy. | ||
| No. | ||
| So you go in there, blast out of your ass, and then did you not go to this guy's house? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I never knew what could have happened. | ||
| You crushed that man's confidence. | ||
| You could have changed his whole life. | ||
| We actually wound up dating, though. | ||
| They're at high school. | ||
| So that was the thing, though, that pushed it over the edge. | ||
| That was your last, your first thing. | ||
| And then ever since then, anything you... | ||
| Or maybe it was just those... | ||
| Have you tried just to eat a pizza? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could do with, like, lactose enzymes, which is, like, the supplement, like, lactate or something, and eat pizza. | ||
| But if I have it without, like, five minutes later. | ||
| So that just gives your body lack. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Have you ever tried raw milk? | ||
| No, I've tried almond milk and all that. | ||
| Raw milk has... | ||
| It's not pasteurized or homogenized, so it's got all the live cultures in it. | ||
| And it's supposed to be much easier to digest. | ||
| I've had it a bunch of times at Whole Foods, but I don't think they carry it anymore. | ||
| I'm not sure if they do. | ||
| I couldn't find it the other day. | ||
| Because a lot of people think it's creepy. | ||
| Because it's just fucking right out of a cow's tit. | ||
| And in five days, it's terrible. | ||
| The first couple days is good, but it's kind of not healthy that milk just sits in your fucking refrigerator for two weeks and doesn't go bad. | ||
| That seems like the worst milk you could ever drink, though. | ||
| That seems like the most hardest core milk ever. | ||
| Okay, I watch Dirty Jobs, you know, on TV. That show's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| When they milk the cow, though, a lot of the times they get feces on their hands when they're milking the cow. | ||
| You can't be scared of a little feces. | ||
| I think a little feces in your diet keeps you strong. | ||
| You need to have battles. | ||
| We need to set your immune system. | ||
| You know, like when you get a flu, it's good for your immune system. | ||
| Your immune system fires up, and the next time the flu comes around, the immune system is like, not so fast, bitch. | ||
| That's why I never get the flu shot. | ||
| Get a little poo in your body. | ||
| Get a little poo in your body and then you can fight off disease better. | ||
| We had this podcast last night, the Naughty Show podcast number two. | ||
| We had this porn star on and she was talking about how she, right after, she was, I forget what it was, she was getting fucked in the ass or something like that. | ||
| Never in life should you ever be in a position to be like, I was getting fucked in the ass or you know, whatever, whatever. | ||
| Her name's Kelly Devine. | ||
| You should go look at her Twitter page so you can get a better idea of what she looks like. | ||
| No one's got a crazier Twitter page than Brie Olson. | ||
| Brie Olson's Twitter page every day is about, oh my god, my pussy's sore. | ||
| I suck so much cock last night. | ||
| Every day it's more and more brutal. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| What's crazy? | ||
| I fuck so much that a guy with a two-inch dick would make me feel like a fucking ten-incher. | ||
| She says shit like that. | ||
| Is that like her tweets? | ||
| What's crazy is, though, after he pulled out his dick... | ||
| Is that a real ass? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After he pulled out his dick out of her ass, he puts it in her mouth, and she said it was just caked with shit. | ||
| Just so much shit that she... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then he fucked her in the mouth, and then in between shoots, she had to go to the bathroom, and she said she spent for like 15 minutes picking shit out from her teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| And she didn't have any toothpicks or toothpaste, so she was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did they pay you for that? | |
| I think it was like 300 bucks. | ||
| Shit from her own butt from this guy's dick. | ||
| I've never seen that in a movie, but I've seen a lot. | ||
| I asked him out. | ||
| And I always have the same reaction. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Is that necessary? | ||
| Do we really need to do this? | ||
| Turn someone on. | ||
| I asked him. | ||
| It turns a lot of people on. | ||
| It's just fucking dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, and I asked them, does it ever get better? | ||
| Does it, like, turn into chocolate after a while where you're just, like, looking forward to some shit in your mouth, you know? | ||
| And she's like, they're like, no, it never, every, every time. | ||
| Well, how many times has she gotten shit in her mouth? | ||
| Well, I guess that's pretty common when you do a lot of ass to mouth. | ||
| But she said that she was just saying this one time in particular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My God. | |
| That is so crazy. | ||
| You couldn't pay me all the money in the world. | ||
| You know, part of it is that other girls are doing it. | ||
| All you need is one girl to do it, and it's such a weird thing. | ||
| If one girl does porn where she lets a guy piss in her mouth, then every girl's going to start letting guys piss in their mouths. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| It's like all of a sudden that's become like... | ||
| Yeah, it raises the bar, and that becomes acceptable. | ||
| But there was no ass to mouth when I was a kid. | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| When you got a Ginger Lynn, Peter North porno, they had sex at the most. | ||
| He shot it in her mouth and it was pretty hot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he didn't stick it in her ass and then put it in her mouth. | ||
| But that's like standard today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's not even that anymore. | ||
| Like, just a load and an open mouth. | ||
| It's like, ugh, not this again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, literally, you can go on like ujizz.com and look up loads in the mouth and there'll be like a fucking hundred thousand videos of girls with their mouths open and guys jerking off in their mouths. | ||
| She goes to this website you need to check out, because every time she's on it, I'm just like, wow, that's a cool video. | ||
| But I have a feeling it's one of those websites that everybody goes to, and I was just the last to know about it. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Todayisbigthing.com. | ||
| I think I've heard of that before. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's just every day they have this crazy new videos and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They have this one video on there right now. | ||
| It was Dueling Cellos. | ||
| Yeah, Dueling Cellos. | ||
| I saw that on Twitter, but I didn't click the link. | ||
| You gotta watch it, because it's like they're trying to be really hardcore. | ||
| So, say what they're... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Dueling Cellos? | ||
| It's Dueling Cellos for the song... | ||
| Um... | ||
| Oh, Michael Jackson's... | ||
| Oh, Beat It? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Is it Beat It? | ||
| No, not Beat It. | ||
| Thriller? | ||
| No, it's the one that the band also re-sing. | ||
| Yeah, it's Beat It. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| No, it's not Beat It. | ||
| It's not Beat It. | ||
| Smooth Criminal. | ||
| Smooth Criminal. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| God, we're so white. | ||
| So they're like playing the cello while they're both looking at each other and they're like trying to be hardcore and stuff and then it starts going... | ||
| Are they doing the hips thing? | ||
| Yeah, and just being real like they're fighting but they're playing cellos and they're staring at it. | ||
| It gets really gay. | ||
| And then it turns into them in this weird part where they're wrestling in this bedroom or something like that. | ||
| Or in a bar. | ||
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| A dark room. | ||
| But the cellos are amazing. | ||
| Yeah, the cellos are amazing. | ||
| Do you think that you can sell advertising today if you have guys kissing? | ||
| Do you think you could sell things? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could have girls kissing and you could still sell a Porsche. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you have... | ||
| Could you imagine... | ||
| Could you imagine if Porsche, just like the new CEO, just had this wacky idea? | ||
| What I think we need to do is capture the gay market. | ||
| We are missing the gay market. | ||
| We'll take a chance. | ||
| The Porsche name is so in the American culture. | ||
| They love our cars. | ||
| And this guy just takes a wild chance and says, he's just going to get that gay market too. | ||
| And he just has two guys making out in front of a Cayenne. | ||
| Just hands in the pockets and shit. | ||
| It would get so many. | ||
| Yo, what the fuck? | ||
| And everybody just abandons him to Audi. | ||
| Fuck you, bitches. | ||
| Fuck your stupid rear engine car. | ||
| It would get so many complaints for PTA mothers. | ||
| Yeah, but why? | ||
| If it was a girl and a girl kissing, would that get complaints? | ||
| Only from fat chicks. | ||
| They're the only ones complaining. | ||
| A few fatties taking their oversized hands to cover their teenage son's eyes while he's watching TV. Mom, what the fuck? | ||
| I would rather see two girls kissing than two guys kissing. | ||
| Yeah, because that's beautiful. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Two guys kissing is much more likely rape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to fucking kiss me. | |
| I'm not right. | ||
| I still... | ||
| That is weird, though. | ||
| That two guys, to me, still... | ||
| If they're kissing right in front of me, as tolerable as I am, I'm still kind of like... | ||
| As tolerant as you are. | ||
| I don't know if you're tolerable. | ||
| That's debatable. | ||
| God, you're so full of yourself. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Yeah, this is a genetic thing, right? | ||
| Do you feel like it's a genetic thing? | ||
| Well, I guess. | ||
| I'm not judgmental at all. | ||
| I don't have any problem with anybody doing anything that doesn't hurt anybody else. | ||
| If you want to be gay, be gay. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| But it weirds me out when I'm around gay guys and they're making out. | ||
| I've been as close as you are to me, and two guys were holding hands, and then they just moved in and started kissing each other. | ||
| Into your bed? | ||
| No! | ||
| As close as you are to me outside. | ||
| And I remember distinctly saying, okay, don't panic. | ||
| I was like, don't get uncomfortable. | ||
| Just move away slowly. | ||
| Your heart's palpitating. | ||
| But you're like, whoa, they're fucking making out right here. | ||
| It's so juvenile. | ||
| It's like, I completely support your right to do it. | ||
| And I think, look, sometimes it's pretty gross when men and women are doing it in public. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get fucking sloppy make-out sessions in public and it gets pretty nasty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I support that. | ||
| Do that. | ||
| I don't have a problem with that. | ||
| I don't have a problem with anybody doing it. | ||
| But you gotta let gay people do it or straight people do it. | ||
| I have nothing against it. | ||
| I'm just saying it's weird that my mom likes two girls kissing. | ||
| My mom doesn't care if two girls are kissing. | ||
| What is your feeling when you see two guys kissing? | ||
| I feel vulnerable. | ||
| I feel like, don't try to kiss me! | ||
| If they wouldn't have nothing to do with me, man! | ||
| I'm totally not their type. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| If you know that you're for sure around a guy who's into guys, it's like all of a sudden you're in a completely different... | ||
| Like, roll. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, you could be pursued now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You could be pursued by a dude like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| So even though, you know, I know they don't want everything to do with me. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I've seen two guys. | ||
| Your instincts are like, get the fuck away. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen two guys kissing and I just kind of like watched because I was like, that's interesting. | ||
| It just looks different, you know? | ||
| Like it's watching, looking like an alien. | ||
| Yeah, it's like investigating it. | ||
| I wish if I could be a neuter for a day, that's how I would feel. | ||
| Like neutering people? | ||
| No, like if I wasn't a man or a woman. | ||
| If I could be sexless for a day, then I could probably look at it like that. | ||
| And I do look at it like that. | ||
| From a scientific point of view, I'm like, wow, this is fascinating. | ||
| That's their turn on. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Anytime a girl's ever been attracted to me, I've always been like, really? | ||
| What the fuck do you like? | ||
| You like guys? | ||
| What do you like? | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| For a man, it doesn't make any sense that women are attracted to men. | ||
| I understand they do. | ||
| I have a lifelong history of experience of seeing it, seeing girls be attracted to men, so I know it's real. | ||
| But I don't get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I don't get it either. | |
| But when it's a guy, and a guy's attracted to a guy, then it's like, whoa, this is super alien. | ||
| We just don't know it. | ||
| It's something that we've never lived or experienced. | ||
| We're never going to be able to know what that feels like. | ||
| And that's weird with kids. | ||
| That's weird with guys that are into fucking horses and all that shit. | ||
| How do you get that? | ||
| That's even going different. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Your brain just is broken. | ||
| Some people's brains just don't work right. | ||
| I was attacked by a man with a foot fetish at Laguna Beach. | ||
| I had to call the cops and everything. | ||
| I'm on the internet now. | ||
| I'm at Laguna Beach with an ex-boyfriend and we're smoking some weed on the rocks looking at the ocean. | ||
| This guy walks up and he has a camera in his hands. | ||
| And he's like, I think your style is really cool and really beautiful. | ||
| Can I take your picture? | ||
| I'm a photography student. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| I'm like, do you mind if I smoke weed? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| So I keep smoking and he starts taking my picture. | ||
| And he's being really cool and he's like, can I have you take off your shoes? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're at the beach. | ||
| I guess this is fitting. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Take pictures of my feet. | ||
| Start snapping pictures of my feet. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he gets down on a knee and I'm like looking at him like, what's this guy doing, man? | ||
| I'm like super high. | ||
| And all of a sudden he puts my foot on his face and goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He licked it? | |
| He's like, how does that make you feel? | ||
| And I'm like, whoa! | ||
| And I'm looking at my boyfriend sitting right there and I'm like, babe! | ||
| And he's like, what the fuck? | ||
| Right in front of your boyfriend? | ||
| Did he not know that you were with the guy? | ||
| He knew. | ||
| He's just crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a crazy guy. | ||
| And then I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| And he's like, oh, I run a foot fetish website. | ||
| It's CaliforniaBeachFeet.com. | ||
| And he puts me up on there. | ||
| I fucking take the business card because I'm just super stoned and I'm like, what just happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Check out the website and I'm on there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Didn't you recently just send a... | ||
| Yeah, I recently emailed him and said, I'm going to... | ||
| Cease and desist. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to sue. | ||
| Yeah, there's a weird thing about dudes who are into people's feet. | ||
| Did you save it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The pictures? | |
| The pictures are hilarious. | ||
| No, the video. | ||
| Oh, the video? | ||
| You should have saved it before you take that down. | ||
| It's still on there. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
| It's 25 bucks. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Before the internet was around, you know, like back when, you know, you had to like find things in magazines or, you know, it's like, it was a lot different. | ||
| If you wanted to see some weird shit, you had to really, really go out of your way to see it. | ||
| There was a magazine called Foot. | ||
| There was two. | ||
| One of them was like this ladyboy magazine. | ||
| I wish I'd remembered it. | ||
| I wish I remembered the name of it. | ||
| But it was a magazine completely dedicated to cross-dressers. | ||
| And they were like fucking marines. | ||
| These guys were like... | ||
| The guy who works at the deli. | ||
| The guy who's bald with the big fat head who slices salami. | ||
| He wants to be a woman. | ||
| And he's got makeup on and a wig. | ||
| And he's posing like a woman. | ||
| And it is fucking tweaky. | ||
| Look how lovely she looks. | ||
| And they'll say what the woman name for his character that he plays when he dresses up is. | ||
| It's so fucking strange. | ||
| There's this new show coming on where cross-dressers compete. | ||
| Like... | ||
| In like some cross-dressing like reality show. | ||
| I saw a commercial for it. | ||
| Have you guys heard of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I saw the billboard of it. | ||
| You saw the billboard? | ||
| It's like a game show but with cross-dressing. | ||
| What I was going to say though is that there was one magazine called Foot Action. | ||
| And I remember looking at this going, what the fuck is this? | ||
| So you got to open it up and check it out. | ||
| And it's all like dudes who jerk off on feet. | ||
| It's a whole thing. | ||
| It's like feet on dicks and girls rubbing their feet on dicks. | ||
| That's like a big fucking thing for dudes. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| That's for standing, not for kissing. | ||
| Not a whole magazine, man. | ||
| A whole magazine dedicated to it. | ||
| It's gross because that guy who took all those pictures of my feet, I know he went home and touched himself to him. | ||
| I was doing it right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I did! | |
| Yeah, what the fuck is that about? | ||
| If you have a foot fetish, if it has a little bit of cotton, do you get hornier from it? | ||
| You know, like if there's a little cotton between the toes? | ||
| I would imagine it's like, oh, it's a dirty pussy. | ||
| I had a little bit of a foot fetish when I was like 18 or 19. What? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, not really. | ||
| I just thought they were attractive. | ||
| Like girls who had pretty feet were attractive. | ||
| Oh, well, it helps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just because there's so many ugly feet in Massachusetts. | ||
| But you're not like, put that in my mouth. | ||
| So many girls have like hooves. | ||
| So many girls just walking around kicking ice since they were a baby and her feet are all jacked. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't have a foot finish, but I definitely like touching feet. | ||
| Like when I sleep, I like to touch a little foot. | ||
| I like to hold a foot, but I don't like go after a foot. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but some dudes, it becomes a giant focus. | ||
| That's more important to them than vaginas or mouths or anything like that. | ||
| Something like misfiring in the brain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are fucking strange, man. | ||
| The way one person's brain works and another person's doesn't. | ||
| I was telling you guys about this before we started the podcast and I saw this horrible video online of this two kids that are skateboarding in front of this guy's house. | ||
| And the guy comes out to tell them to stop skateboarding. | ||
| And they're like, fuck you. | ||
| We can skateboard what we want. | ||
| And they're getting sort of like a pushing, shoving sort of a little situation. | ||
| And the man runs into the house and grabs a gun and guns down these two kids right in the street. | ||
| It's all in the security video. | ||
| Is it a live leak, I'm guessing? | ||
| It was on YouTube. | ||
| It's not that graphic. | ||
| You can see him shooting. | ||
| It's from a security camera from the front of his house. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's fucking horrible. | ||
| When you think that an argument between someone who wants a skateboard and some guy who doesn't want to hear noise can turn into some man gunning down someone's children. | ||
| They're like 15, 16 years old. | ||
| They're like kids. | ||
| It was so fucked up to think that someone's brain can actually be wired that way. | ||
| Where they just want to go out and just shoot somebody who's making too much noise. | ||
| And it's so crazy how random it is. | ||
| Marco that I was telling you about, he was walking in North Hollywood and some guy just came up to him the other day and just put a gun to his head and was like, give me your wallet and your cell phone. | ||
| And it's like, what? | ||
| Yeah, it can happen. | ||
| It can happen easy. | ||
| There was a guy out here that shot a cop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Last podcast, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, last podcast. | ||
| Look, man, it's a fucking nutty world, and as the economy gets shittier and shittier, people get more and more desperate, and more and more things like this are going to happen, unfortunately. | ||
| There's a lack of balance. | ||
| I don't know how it comes back around, but it ain't going to come back around the way we're rocking it right now. | ||
| There's just so many fucking criminals. | ||
| I want to get going. | ||
| There's a lot of crazies. | ||
| Why don't you have one? | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| It's the reason why you haven't quit smoking. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's like, all right, you want to get a gun, it's like $600. | ||
| That's a pretty big purchase, you know, for a gun. | ||
| Is it that much? | ||
| I'm guessing, like, for a decent one. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| Isn't it amazing that you can kill somebody and it's only $600? | ||
| Oh, it's probably cheaper than that. | ||
| It's probably $20 if you go in the right places on the streets and you can probably get a cheap gun. | ||
| But you have to do the class, too. | ||
| Or not class, you have to sign up, like, two weeks beforehand. | ||
| And they have to do background checks. | ||
| Yeah, you have to do background checks. | ||
| It's like, do I want to be put in the system? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's going to take you a while to get it, probably. | ||
| Do you want to be put in the system? | ||
| Are you afraid to be put in the system? | ||
| The protecting system. | ||
| Brian is an anarchist. | ||
| He stands outside the system. | ||
| Don't fall into that grid. | ||
| He's a libertarian. | ||
| He does not believe in this culture. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I'm going to go to Canada. | ||
| Maybe Vancouver. | ||
| That's why you don't vote, right? | ||
| So you don't get put into the system? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I already got put in the system for the IRS, though, so that fucking sucks. | ||
| I don't know how that happened. | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
| They just check you, bro. | ||
| They found me. | ||
| They check comics all the time. | ||
| Comics get busted all the time. | ||
| With the IRS? Yeah, excuse me. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, because comics don't like to report money. | ||
| They'll take gigs and they'll get paid cash. | ||
| That was a huge, huge problem in Boston. | ||
| Back in the Diz A, we all got paid cash for all these gigs. | ||
| So you had to do your own taxes. | ||
| Most of these guys were lazy as fuck. | ||
| They didn't do anything. | ||
| They just took that money. | ||
| And then years and years of these comedy clubs reporting that they have these employees, and then these guys never paid. | ||
| It's really bad. | ||
| So a lot of them owed tens of thousands of dollars, hundreds even, over years and years without paying taxes. | ||
| What do you do if you can't pay that back? | ||
| You gotta pay it back. | ||
| You gotta pay it back slowly, as quick as you can. | ||
| Guys were working like every night. | ||
| Guys were taking all these crazy gigs just to try to pay off their IRS nut. | ||
| Yeah, I get withdrawals automatically once a month. | ||
| I was pretty much forced. | ||
| It's the mob back to John Gotti. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| So who the fuck else was in line for it? | ||
| Was it like Barry Manilow's busy? | ||
| David Cassidy can't do it? | ||
| Danny Bonaduce doesn't want to act anymore. | ||
| Who's going to play John Gotti? | ||
| Elton John. | ||
| I mean, not that John Travolta is not a badass actor, don't get me wrong, but that's not the right guy for the part. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| I mean, he's great in Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm not a John Travolta hater. | ||
| Wouldn't it have been weird if they used Sylvester Stallone? | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would have been kind of cool, though. | ||
| Now, I would have totally... | ||
| I totally would have went for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, it would have been a good role for Stallone, too. | ||
| It would have been something that he would want to, like, try hard at and stretch in. | ||
| You know, like, when he did Copland, like, he made some attempts a few times. | ||
| He's a good actor. | ||
| Yeah, he can be... | ||
| I mean, he's a great actor in Rocky. | ||
| But, you know, why do all that hard lifting when you can just be some badass in some fucking wooden-faced, wooden-lyriced movie, you know, that just makes $100 billion in the box office? | ||
| He's the master of those expendable type movies. | ||
| At least they didn't put some Jersey Shore guy in there. | ||
| I'm sick of all these Jersey Shore. | ||
| Ari was on an audition the other day, or a commercial shoot, with one of the guys from Jersey Shore and him about some kind of product. | ||
| I don't know if I'm allowed to say. | ||
| There was a picture of Kim Kardashian, and she was holding hands. | ||
| They were palling around with Snooki. | ||
| They're both having this incredible belly laugh. | ||
| They're leaning back and they're laughing so hard. | ||
| All I can think of is, what are these two dumb cunts laughing at? | ||
| What the fuck are you laughing at? | ||
| Who said something funny? | ||
| Snooki? | ||
| Snooki probably farted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Them Kim Kardashian queefed and high-fived. | |
| Your queefs are louder than my farts. | ||
| This is so strange. | ||
| It's such a strange time we live in. | ||
| When I say dumb cunts, I say it with all love. | ||
| I don't really think they're cunts. | ||
| I think they're just doing their thing. | ||
| I got no hate for it. | ||
| I find it fascinating. | ||
| I haven't even watched that show. | ||
| Not one episode. | ||
| I watched it twice. | ||
| Did it hurt your brain? | ||
| It makes you grip the seat where you're like, what is going on? | ||
| It makes you realize, these are real people, man. | ||
| This Jersey Shore, they'll fight over anything. | ||
| Fuck you, you whore! | ||
| They'll throw shit at each other. | ||
| They tackle each other and pull hair and turn into these crazy slap fights and they know cameras are on. | ||
| They know. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, that's what these reality shows are. | ||
| It's like a bunch of scientists putting a bunch of rats in a little glass cage and like, let's see the males mate with all the females and fight. | ||
| They're sending Josie Shore to Italy for Season 4. They just announced in, like, whatever the Italian-American interest group UNICO or whatever said that they're just pissed. | ||
| They're pissed? | ||
| They are so angry. | ||
| Well, those people aren't even all... | ||
| I mean, Snooki's not Italian, right? | ||
| I don't think they're all Italian. | ||
| Is she, like, Puerto Rican or something? | ||
| You know, I've never... | ||
| I can't believe we were talking about them. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Oh, we shouldn't. | ||
| But we should. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| We should, just like when you go to the zoo and there's one monkey who's throwing his shit at the glass. | ||
| You want to, you know, it's not like this monkey's beneath me talking about him. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| That's, you know, these are monkeys. | ||
| These Jersey Shore people are just a different type of monkey. | ||
| You can look at it like it's such a trivial thing to talk about and discuss, but it's really like scientific work. | ||
| What's weird is most of them remind me of myself when I was like Isn't he behind a protein vodka? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He probably is. | ||
| He's got a bunch of shit going on. | ||
| He's obviously trying to make the most of the situation. | ||
| When you see guys like that, you just got to think, this is just someone from a different world. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's from a world where you grow up around people like that, and that kind of behavior is acceptable. | ||
| I mean, I never lived in Jersey Shore, but I was born in Newark, and I lived in New Jersey, and I have relatives from New Jersey, and I grew up in Boston, and that behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think. | ||
| You know, and if everybody in your house behaves like that, it's always like, Joey, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Man, you don't fucking see I'm on the phone here! | ||
| If that's every day, I mean, that's a real, those are real live people out there, man. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that, that's their every day, yelling and screaming shit at each other. | ||
| Come on, bro, this fucking guy doesn't know who I am, bro. | ||
| This guy doesn't know who I am. | ||
| I'm so glad I only had two Italians growing up near me. | ||
| They're monkeys. | ||
| That's me, so I can say it. | ||
| I'm a three-quarter monkey. | ||
| They're fucking apes. | ||
| They're squawking apes. | ||
| They like to get on top of cars and jump up and down and bang on them just like a chimp would. | ||
| All that yelling. | ||
| It's not a coincidence that they're the loudest motherfuckers on the planet. | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| I have a lot of family in New York. | ||
| My parents are from Brooklyn. | ||
| And all of my aunts are like the whole, how are you doing? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, they're brutal. | ||
| But it's funny. | ||
| But it's very up there. | ||
| Well, you know what, though? | ||
| It's fun, though. | ||
| They're festive people. | ||
| I'm only bullshitting them. | ||
| I totally hate them because they have the best food ever. | ||
| I would take Italian food over everything. | ||
| And I am Italian. | ||
| I'm three-quarters Italian, so I can't be that self-hating. | ||
| But there's that passion that makes them... | ||
| It's a crazy race. | ||
| There's some rakes like... | ||
| Like the Armenians. | ||
| Armenians are fucking crazy, man. | ||
| I know a bunch of Armenians from The Ultimate Fighter, from the UFC fights, from just training. | ||
| A lot of them do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Those guys are fucking down to just punch you in the face. | ||
| Yeah, they seem so aggressive. | ||
| They're wild. | ||
| They're wild dudes. | ||
| It's like a whole race of wild dudes. | ||
| But that's just the way they are. | ||
| If you're born into that situation, what the fuck? | ||
| You know how hard it must be to try to not be that? | ||
| If you're growing up around your dad and you're in a tight-knit family, so they're all together, they all act just like each other, and there's fucking ten of them in a house. | ||
| For real, those are very family-oriented people, the Armenians. | ||
| Everyone's over the house. | ||
| Grandma, Grandpa, the cousins are visiting. | ||
| They're very family. | ||
| They're all like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
| They're all super intense people. | ||
| Burbank is like filled to the top with Armenians. | ||
| And it's like my Starbucks and stuff. | ||
| They sit out there and play poker. | ||
| And you walk in and they all stare at you. | ||
| They're giving you like, we could trade him for you. | ||
| My friend Armin. | ||
| Armin the Armenian. | ||
| My friend Armin was a pool player back in my pool playing days. | ||
| And this motherfucker would just gamble. | ||
| He wanted to gamble constantly. | ||
| Come on, you got no heart. | ||
| Come on, gamble. | ||
| Let's gamble. | ||
| Just always wanted to gamble. | ||
| Armenians, even in pool, they're like aggressive. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the place where I get my haircut, which is like Fantastic Sam's or $8 haircut type place, and there are Armenians in there too that are all the family members of the guys that are playing poker outside. | ||
| And so they kind of like know who you are from just going to Starbucks every day. | ||
| So I sit down, and it's the most uncomfortable haircut ever. | ||
| It feels like I always think that she's going to take the scissors and just stab it through my head. | ||
| So that's what I'm thinking when I'm getting my haircut. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Don't stab the scissors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you feel like that? | |
| Because it's very intense. | ||
| You need to get a haircut with me and you'll understand. | ||
| I want to get a scary haircut. | ||
| It's very intense. | ||
| Armenians are very intense. | ||
| What if you're right? | ||
| Which haircut is she going to fucking snap on? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| If I had those thoughts, I wouldn't even go anymore. | ||
| That's like your intuition. | ||
| Well, see, the thing is, I go to the Starbucks every day. | ||
| I'm mixed in with these people. | ||
| Yeah, keep your enemies close. | ||
| If they start throwing grenades, they're going to be like, hey, you better stand over here, man. | ||
| I'd rather have that. | ||
| You want to be in with them. | ||
| So you say hi to them when you see them. | ||
| Hi guys. | ||
| I did the nod. | ||
| I did the open the door when they're coming in and out. | ||
| You don't go so far as to make friends with them though. | ||
| Mike! | ||
| What's up Mike? | ||
| I don't do that with anybody though. | ||
| Like I told you last week, I keep very hidden like a ninja. | ||
| Low profile. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| It's easier, right? | ||
| Avoid conflict. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I think I talked to that old man building your shed in your backyard more than you did. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| I talked about his daughter's dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's with people that just want to start telling you shit about their life? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He told me a lot. | ||
| It's very... | ||
| When you get stuck with one of those motherfuckers and you realize, like it starts off as a normal conversation, like, what's going on, man? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| No, everything's good, man. | ||
| How about yourself? | ||
| Well, it would have been better if it wasn't for last week. | ||
| You know, last week, my daughter married this man, and I tried to tell her to stay away from this fellow, but she didn't want to listen. | ||
| And you're like, oh, no. | ||
| That's too bad, guys. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's what I try to get out of and stay away from, is that kind of shit. | ||
| That shit is brutal. | ||
| That shit was, yeah, you're like a beaten woman. | ||
| You're afraid of men. | ||
| You become a lesbian. | ||
| You become a social lesbian. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know who's the best is Joy Diaz getting out of those situations, though. | ||
| Listen, dog, you gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| He'll make his phone ring. | ||
| Yeah, he'll make his phone ring. | ||
| I even saw once when this waitress at the Ice House, Pasadena Ice House, this waitress was talking so much, finally he goes, please, you're giving me an ear beating. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| I need to get out of here. | ||
| That was like Joey Diaz meets Ernie and Bert. | ||
| No. | ||
| Cookie Monster. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Oscar the Grabs? | ||
| Cookie Monster. | ||
| Cookie Monster. | ||
| That's what it sounded like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does. | |
| Okay, so anyway. | ||
| So Joey told her that he's getting ear-beating. | ||
| He's getting ear-beating and just like started going. | ||
| Did she stop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She took the hint. | ||
| Some people you have to say that. | ||
| Some people you cannot hint. | ||
| She did that laughing like, oh, that's the worst feeling being silenced like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, sort of, but maybe she's fucking crazy. | ||
| Maybe that's the only way to get her away. | ||
| Maybe she would have just sat down with us and started talking to us. | ||
| Some people just don't know. | ||
| Some people need those checks, because they're always going to do it unless somebody says something. | ||
| Wouldn't it be fucking badass if you could test drive people's brains, if you could be like, I wonder how dumb this motherfucker really is. | ||
| Can I just climb inside your head for five minutes? | ||
| Well, you'll be able to rent it someday, probably. | ||
| Yeah, Malkovich. | ||
| Dude, have you seen John Malkovich lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you seen it ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it called Being John Malkovich? | |
| Yeah, Being John Malkovich. | ||
| It's such a great movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| Yeah, just rewatch it. | ||
| Could you imagine if you could pilot? | ||
| I want to know what it feels like to be a girl. | ||
| So you pilot Allison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just pilot her around the house for like an hour. | ||
| Being Allison Shula. | ||
| And she just stays silent and lets you move around and look through her eyes. | ||
| She knows you're in there. | ||
| She lets you in there. | ||
| You can move. | ||
| She goes silent. | ||
| You walk her around. | ||
| You move her body around. | ||
| You finger yourself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| You have her body for one hour. | ||
| And then I trick her to get into herself. | ||
| You could sleep with a bunch of guys. | ||
| I don't think I would do that. | ||
| I would definitely finger myself, though. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Wouldn't you? | ||
| I would do that stuff. | ||
| I would get a dildo. | ||
| I would pee on myself and all that crap. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You realize when you start using a flashlight, yeah, sex is way better. | ||
| But it's pretty fucking good. | ||
| And that's why girls with dildos, I never got that. | ||
| I was like, why don't you stick some rubber dick inside of you? | ||
| It's not as good as a real dick, but I bet it's probably pretty fucking close. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Girls, I would definitely. | ||
| If I was a girl for 10 minutes, I'd finger myself. | ||
| I would try to have sex with another woman while it was that woman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Try to make out with her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what if you turned midnight and turned into a pumpkin? | ||
| Like, boing! | ||
| All of a sudden, look, I got a dick! | ||
| It's like 11.58. | ||
| You know what would be great right now? | ||
| If I was a guy and you were a girl, but I'm not attracted to guys. | ||
| Ever since my uncle touched me, I'm really only attracted to boing! | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you. | ||
| I was going to turn into a dude. | ||
| Listen, can we keep going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we keep going? | |
| That would be cool if you could keep going because you'd already be horny and then she'd be like, fine. | ||
| She'd be creeped out because she just told you about her uncle and then all of a sudden a big part dicks in front of her. | ||
| I think if I saw that actually happen, I would probably freak the fuck out. | ||
| No, you'd probably... | ||
| Poof! | ||
| Wiener! | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Just morphing. | ||
| Because there's certain animals that change sex. | ||
| That's not unusual in nature. | ||
| It happens in a bunch of situations. | ||
| Certain animals start off as a woman and they become a male or vice-a-verse. | ||
| And they can change dependent on certain insects and certain worms and shit. | ||
| I think they can change dependent on whether or not there's enough males or enough females in the population. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's variable. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of simple organisms that can do that. | ||
| So if simple organisms can do that, why can't, you know, why can't we fucking humans? | ||
| That was the part of the movie Splice. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| The movie Splice. | ||
| It was an amazing movie. | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Adrian Brody. | ||
| Adrian Brilliant was a brilliant scientist and what he did was he managed to splice together, I don't know, was it like alien? | ||
| Oh, they make the worst child ever. | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| It was an alien girl. | ||
| It was like a person and some other shit. | ||
| I saw the trailer. | ||
| Okay, it was like a person and some other shit, like maybe a frog or something. | ||
| No, a raptor. | ||
| They made this little alien baby. | ||
| And this is how dumb the premise is. | ||
| They keep this alien baby at this laboratory, and it grows into a full-grown human in a couple of months, and they just keep it in the basement. | ||
| And they're just hanging out with her in the basement. | ||
| Now, all of a sudden, she's a chick, and she's kind of hot, except her eyes are too far apart. | ||
| That's the only thing that you can tell. | ||
| So this thing is maybe three months old, and it's an attractive woman thing, and it gets scared, but if it wants to, it can kill you. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Maybe three weeks after that, he starts fucking it. | ||
| So Adrian Brody is fucking this three-month-old alien baby thing. | ||
| I swear I'd shut that thing off. | ||
| In the middle of my Adrian Brody story. | ||
| Who do you think it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's probably the fence guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's a toll-free call, you cunts. | |
| Well, that's pretty weird. | ||
| So he starts fucking the thing that's... | ||
| I would not... | ||
| He's like... | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| This thing is only a couple of months old. | ||
| I would have not waited that long. | ||
| I would have fucked that thing the first second it looked like a girl. | ||
| And it was like, oh, I made you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Wouldn't you? | ||
| You would do the same thing. | ||
| No, you wouldn't fuck this. | ||
| First of all, because it didn't totally look like a person. | ||
| It had wings. | ||
| It had crazy feet. | ||
| The back legs were like horse legs. | ||
| Did it talk in English? | ||
| No, it made noises. | ||
| Oh, it made noises? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah, it was way retarded. | ||
| And then, at the end of the movie, it becomes a male. | ||
| Something happens, something happens, it goes through some, really, it's not feeling well, and some weird, they think it's gonna die, and it becomes a male. | ||
| And Andrew and Brody have sex with it. | ||
| Yeah, and the male starts jacking, and I think it kills Andrew and Brody at the end. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was so bad, I couldn't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was such a dumb movie. | ||
| It was like, Spoiler alert. | ||
| When it was over, you're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| There's no spoilers in this movie. | ||
| When the movie sucks that bad, you're allowed to talk about it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's fun to watch because it's bad. | ||
| It's a giggle fest. | ||
| Does she have boobs? | ||
| Did they have nipples? | ||
| I think she's got some little tits. | ||
| See, that could have turned me the right way. | ||
| Well, she's real aggressive too. | ||
| And big. | ||
| Powerful and shit. | ||
| She was really kind of creepy. | ||
| But she's supposed to be four fucking months old. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| At the most, six. | ||
| They had to get her out of the lab. | ||
| She acts like a child. | ||
| She curls up and cuddles with them like a child and gets scared and cries. | ||
| But then she'll eat a cat and shit. | ||
| Did he just start fucking her? | ||
| Like raping her? | ||
| Did he comb her hair first? | ||
| No, she fucking came onto him. | ||
| And next thing you know, he's boner. | ||
| And I swear to God, the whole theater is howling laughing. | ||
| Howling laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Yeah, I mean, I felt bad that I was laughing. | ||
| I felt, I can't laugh at this. | ||
| Fuck, I'm going to be that dick in the movie theater laughing. | ||
| But then other people started laughing, too. | ||
| I was going, oh, no. | ||
| And then other people started laughing out loud, and then it just became a wave through the whole theater. | ||
| Everybody was just going, no! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| People were just going, what the fuck? | ||
| They were LMFAO. That's one of the cool things about going to see a movie in Hollywood. | ||
| A lot of times when you go see a movie in Hollywood, there's a lot of cool people in the audience. | ||
| Sometimes some stupid, stupid shit will happen in a movie and everyone agrees. | ||
| Everyone is like, what is this? | ||
| Yeah, that happened when I was watching the trailers to Inception. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| What's that guy making... | ||
| He made that movie where everyone's in a village and they don't know him. | ||
| Yeah, the devils. | ||
| It showed his name in the whole theater. | ||
| Yeah, same thing happened in my theater. | ||
| I've been talking about this before. | ||
| I've seen it three times. | ||
| The Devil, when it came on, everyone just started going, aww. | ||
| This looks cool with that mother of that fucking disappointing cocksucker. | ||
| He needs to change his name. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, that Devil movie was pretty good. | ||
| I liked that movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I took a chance. | ||
| I'm desperate. | ||
| I'm desperate for a good horror movie. | ||
| But it seems like he's gotten to a point where a lot of people probably aren't going to watch that movie. | ||
| Well, apparently he did not direct this, I don't think. | ||
| I think he just produced it. | ||
| Get your name off it, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, man, you might have cost yourself 50 million bucks. | ||
| I was doing tech support two months ago, and as I was working from home, I'd watch horror movies over and over again, just random ones on Netflix. | ||
| And I would watch probably two a day, to the point where two weeks went by, and I'm like, I need to switch it up. | ||
| I've been watching this shit too much. | ||
| I had weird dreams and shit. | ||
| Sometimes there's a problem with the celebrity director. | ||
| Like M. Night Shyamalan's Boom. | ||
| Because there's a bunch of movies that are really good movies that don't have that. | ||
| It doesn't say James Cameron's Boom. | ||
| But with certain dudes, their name, like M. Night Shyamalan with Ding Dong is the number one. | ||
| His name is just immediately associated with all of his movies. | ||
| What movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much? | ||
| They all suck. | ||
| The one with the... | ||
| The Sixth Sense was the last good one. | ||
| The Watcher? | ||
| Unbreakable was okay, but it was really slow. | ||
| But then the water one was so dumb. | ||
| And the plant one. | ||
| I didn't even see the plant one, but everybody told me the plant one was fucking god-awful. | ||
| Did you see the plant one? | ||
| I saw a gang of them that made me nuts. | ||
| I forget which ones. | ||
| I can't remember, but I still take chances. | ||
| I'm a sheep. | ||
| It's a big film. | ||
| It's a big film. | ||
| Let's go see it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'll just sit there and try to watch it, man. | ||
| Sit there with my popcorn and try not to think this is stupid. | ||
| But that was a good movie. | ||
| The devil was not bad. | ||
| It was tricky. | ||
| It was good enough. | ||
| It was a good horror movie. | ||
| I expected it to suck, and it did not. | ||
| There's fucking not enough good horror movies out there, man. | ||
| Good monster movies. | ||
| I think Human Centipede was the last one I watched. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| That's more just gore of. | ||
| Man, I want to see monsters. | ||
| Somebody make some good monster movies. | ||
| Did you see Human Centipede? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I didn't watch it. | ||
| No, you should watch it for the creep fest of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I mean, it's one of those movies I was going to turn off after the first 20 minutes. | ||
| I just wanted to get a taste of it. | ||
| But then I kind of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy. | ||
| And I was just like, I've got to see what's happening here. | ||
| I mean, it's not good. | ||
| I don't like it, but it's definitely worth seeing just because the characters in it are fucking creepy as fuck. | ||
| Have you seen the movie Shutter Island? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, that one was not surprising and whatever, but there's a movie called Madhouse. | ||
| It wasn't surprising? | ||
| Yeah, because you kind of knew it was going to happen. | ||
| It's like, oh, he's obviously going to be the crazy person. | ||
| That movie was a hot subject of debate amongst me and my friends. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of us thought, like, I went to see it with Segura and with Eddie Bravo, and they both, we all thought that it was a bad movie. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I felt like, you can't just show me a bunch of shit and then say, oh, psych, he was crazy the whole time. | ||
| It was all a dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| If you go on Netflix, look at Madhouse. | ||
| It's just like Shutter Island, but with unknown actors. | ||
| Completely better story, better ending. | ||
| I wish that one made it to theaters. | ||
| Yeah, that Shutter Island one, it looked badass and it seemed kind of interesting, but when you found out that he was crazy, like halfway, there was one point in time when you kind of knew that things were a little wonky. | ||
| Like, okay, all of a sudden we've entered into this unrealistic, like, how's he climbing up these mountains, you know, and by the ocean. | ||
| Remember that part by the ocean when he climbed in the cave? | ||
| Into that lighthouse. | ||
| Yeah, and you start thinking, okay, obviously he's crazy. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| But you can't have a movie where you have everything make sense and then all of a sudden it doesn't and, oh, it was a dream. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like a cheap trick. | ||
| That's kind of like a slap in the face to all the viewers. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I get you're trying to be crafty. | ||
| It's just I don't think it's successful. | ||
| I didn't think it was good. | ||
| I wonder how some movies get put out and pass all the people they need to pass and then it gets such bad viewer responses. | ||
| Well, the big part about the whole movie business is the producers. | ||
| The big part about the movie business is the people that come up with the money. | ||
| So, they get that. | ||
| Well, it's a bunch of different people get involved. | ||
| It's not just the people who wrote it or the people who are performing the characters. | ||
| There's a lot of other shit behind the scenes. | ||
| And there's a lot of cooks. | ||
| And everybody's got their own idea of what should be in and should be not in. | ||
| I've seen a bunch of things that were really good get fucked up. | ||
| A bunch of things. | ||
| The Man Show, when Doug and I did it, that got all fucked up by other people involved. | ||
| Look at this Green Hornet movie, man. | ||
| Have you seen the preview for that? | ||
| That looks like somebody... | ||
| I was going to say, the best example, there was a movie that I did a long time ago. | ||
| It was a terrible movie. | ||
| It was called Frank McCluskey CI, or PI, Private Investigator, I think it was. | ||
| Anyway, it was this kid, I forget his name, Dave, who's the lead, who's a really funny guy. | ||
| And he was doing all these different... | ||
| I should add respect to him to find out what the fuck his last name is. | ||
| That Green Hornet movie was fucking nasty. | ||
| Well, I'm wondering if it's supposed to be funny. | ||
| Well, what I'm saying is, with this guy, when I did this movie, Dave Sheridan, that's his name. | ||
| When I did this movie, this fucking kid's hilarious. | ||
| And he would have, and him and his friend wrote it, right? | ||
| So he had, like, they were, like, going over the scenes and what's the best way to make them funny. | ||
| And the dude was really good. | ||
| Like, he's a really good actor. | ||
| He was in, like, a scary movie. | ||
| And he's been in a bunch of different films. | ||
| So anyway, he's performing the scene, and he'll come in and hit it his way, but there's all these, no one knows who this guy is, right? | ||
| So there's all these, like, suits in the room, and these guys with, like, fucking expensive cufflinks and Rolex watches and suspenders, and they're giving this dude, literally giving him takes, like, do it like this. | ||
| Like, when you walk in, I want you to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I watched this guy do this and I'm like, this is what happens when these motherfuckers get power. | ||
| All of a sudden they think that they're creative. | ||
| All of a sudden they want to influence these funny people making their shit. | ||
| Just because you've backed a bunch of movies and you've got a bunch of successful movies under your belt doesn't mean you know how to make something funnier. | ||
| But they all just want to get their greasy fingerprints on it. | ||
| It's a big problem in Hollywood. | ||
| The smaller the group, the better. | ||
| That's what it's got to be. | ||
| The smaller the group, the better. | ||
| And you can't make what they're doing better. | ||
| You can't go in and go, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You guys are focusing too much on this. | ||
| It's too much that. | ||
| You've got to bring it back. | ||
| All you're going to do is cause chaos. | ||
| All you're going to do is interrupt. | ||
| So either they make something that you enjoy, or they don't. | ||
| But you can't add to the process. | ||
| It's like, say if someone was building a car, they were making a Porsche, and you're like, I don't like the way this front end looks, but I want the front end to stick up like this, like a cobra, like it's coming at you. | ||
| And they'd go, that doesn't work, because there's aerodynamics. | ||
| Like, we need aerodynamics. | ||
| See, scientifically, it doesn't work. | ||
| But I think it would really work. | ||
| We've got to figure out a way to make this work. | ||
| And you'd be like, well, this is stupid. | ||
| You're not a car designer. | ||
| Well, it's the same thing with these assholes. | ||
| They're not funny. | ||
| They're not actors. | ||
| They're not comedians. | ||
| They're just fucking people with money that have financed a bunch of movies. | ||
| So you can get it done. | ||
| So if you're doing a TV show, if you're doing a movie, there's a bunch of different people that have their say. | ||
| That's how John Travolta gets cast as John Gotti. | ||
| You look at a guy like that, you're like, okay, it's a big name. | ||
| We've got John Travolta. | ||
| John Travolta for Gotti. | ||
| It's very controversial. | ||
| Maybe we should go with it. | ||
| It's going to get a lot of press. | ||
| John Travolta's Gotti. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Meanwhile... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meanwhile? | |
| Back at the ranch, I guarantee if we find the guy who wrote that thing, he's probably fucking pulling his hair out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Travolta? | |
| Really? | ||
| My epist? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is my greatest work of all time? | |
| John Travolta for John Gotti! | ||
| I was a fucking... | ||
| I was undercover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wrote this book. | |
| I wore a wire, you cocksucker. | ||
| I risked my life, my family's life. | ||
| And fucking John Travolta... | ||
| Don't they love him for Grease, though? | ||
| No, not anymore. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| After the picture in the Enquirer of him kissing another man... | ||
| Wait, really? | ||
| He took a step back. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny about that. | ||
| He's getting off a jet, and there's a picture of him mouth-kissing. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that know him, that have said it online, that have said it in interviews, that thought it was like... | ||
| Out. | ||
| I thought it was like, you know, there's a big article, I think it was Vanity Fair, some dude that Travolta used to bone just talked about how he would just go to bathhouses and shit and just hook up with dudes. | ||
| Remember the family guy, the last family guy, I think it was, where it shows the grease where they fly out into the air, you know, like in the car, and it was like the bonus scene that they cut out of the movie where they're just like, Oh my god, it's cold up here! | ||
| It's cold up here! | ||
| You know, because they're just flying through the sky. | ||
| And then she's like, warm me up, you know, hold me, warm me up. | ||
| And he goes, hey, I'm good, I'm good. | ||
| You know, like a gay joke to Travolta on the family guy. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| You know, I understand that if he was gay, and I'm not saying he is, because I don't know, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| If he was, I totally understand him not wanting to tell people because of his business. | ||
| You don't get to play the lead in movies if they know you're gay. | ||
| Because there's just a big chunk of America, like, you know, fucking probably like 30 or 40 percent is just not going to go see a movie where John Travolta is kissing girls and has a girlfriend or a wife if you know that he's gay. | ||
| Don't you usually get to a certain point in money, at least, where you don't need to worry about not getting lead roles anymore? | ||
| You could still probably make money, especially if you're gay. | ||
| Like go to commercials? | ||
| That's easier said than done, man. | ||
| A lot of people don't want to disappoint their fans. | ||
| A lot of people are worried. | ||
| One of the reasons why certain alleged organizations protect their members from homosexual rumors and anybody finding out that they're gay is because they're trying to protect them as a business. | ||
| They're trying to use a systematic approach as a business to maximize their opportunity. | ||
| Like, look, you can come out, but if you do, here's what's going to happen. | ||
| First of all, you're only going to come out to strangers. | ||
| Your friends all know you're gay anyway, right? | ||
| That's all that matters. | ||
| You're friends. | ||
| And if you come out, there's a bunch of roles you're not going to get. | ||
| There's a bunch of things you're going to get pushed away for. | ||
| And there might be a few opportunities that you miss. | ||
| When it's all over, let's write a book. | ||
| We'll write a book. | ||
| We'll say you're gay. | ||
| But for now, let's say you're not gay. | ||
| And we'll throw in a couple quirks or perks. | ||
| Yeah, you can be the woman in Hairspray. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Every now and then you can play a girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| It's a fucking interesting thing, man. | ||
| The way the human sexual system is wired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There is this ad, maybe like a preview on the news, and it's like, Oprah tells a big secret next week at 4. And I'm like, isn't it always kind of questionable? | ||
| She's a white man. | ||
| She's a white man. | ||
| No one ever saw that coming. | ||
| Oprah. | ||
| Yeah, what was the secret? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think it aired yet. | ||
| Her big secret is that she's going to be a lesbian with that girl, right? | ||
| Yeah, don't people think that already? | ||
| A lot of people think that, yeah. | ||
| Wait, did you just bring up Oprah? | ||
| I was watching Oprah the other day. | ||
| No, it was on the news. | ||
| That's what happens when you bring chicks to the show, bro. | ||
| They just start bringing up Oprah. | ||
| When do I watch Oprah? | ||
| I watch it occasionally just to see. | ||
| I just need to know that that side exists. | ||
| Did you subscribe to the Oprah channel, Joe? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| Do you have to pay for it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll watch it. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I will every now and then, just to see what the fuck is up. | ||
| I watch everything, man. | ||
| I watch hunting shows. | ||
| I watch super, super, like, right-wing political shows. | ||
| I watch people like a scientist. | ||
| Like, I just want to know what the fuck is out there, you know? | ||
| I don't watch a lot. | ||
| A lot of shit I don't watch for entertainment. | ||
| I watch for, like, I just watch to see what is this, you know? | ||
| Like, uh... | ||
| You know, so many shows, man. | ||
| Like religious shows. | ||
| I love watching religious shows. | ||
| Dude, I watched Steve Harvey on this religious show. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| First of all, he's crying about the pressures of being famous. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Cats don't know. | ||
| Cats don't know what it's like. | ||
| Complaining about being this multi-multi-millionaire celebrity. | ||
| And then he started talking about God, and it was just brilliant. | ||
| It was just amazing stuff he was saying. | ||
| He was like, what did he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, if a cat don't have God in his life, I don't even want to talk to you. | |
| You're silly. | ||
| You're a silly person. | ||
| It was awesome! | ||
| Like, if you don't believe in God, you're a silly person. | ||
| I had a friend do that to me. | ||
| She told me, Allison, we can't be friends anymore because you're not a woman of God. | ||
| And I'm like, bitch, I was fucking confirmed. | ||
| You should have just started kissing her. | ||
| Is that what I should have done? | ||
| Yeah, I should have just kissed her finger on shit. | ||
| Checked her oil. | ||
| Say, shut up, bitch. | ||
| You want to taste your pussy? | ||
| Suck my fingers. | ||
| I should have said that. | ||
| Your pussy tastes like that. | ||
| You're a bad girl. | ||
| I am a bad girl. | ||
| She just went right with it. | ||
| Dirty little god-buffin bitch. | ||
| So how was the conclusion? | ||
| Did you guys break up? | ||
| No more friendies? | ||
| No more besties? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| We kind of met up, I guess, a year ago. | ||
| But this happened when we were 15. And I was like, are you fucking crazy now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, 15? | |
| She went God, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Self-righteous little cunt? | ||
| Yeah, it was weird. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck is up when you're 15. I know, right? | ||
| You did go to Catholic school? | ||
| Yeah, I went to Catholic school for like four years. | ||
| Catholic school is rough. | ||
| So much guilt and strain and stress. | ||
| And so many people that come from guilt and strain and stress have their kids in there. | ||
| So there's fucking strain in the home. | ||
| A lot of fucking, a lot of just repression. | ||
| It's one of the most depressing religions. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't like it at all. | ||
| We used to go to confession for once a week, and I'm like, I'm not doing this. | ||
| I got kicked out in ninth grade, so I went to public school. | ||
| Religion, they would have got me if I was with the Mormons or something like that. | ||
| Or someone fun. | ||
| Someone who looks like they have a good time. | ||
| I have friends that are Mormons when they go to church. | ||
| It's like basically you're sitting around with a bunch of people's families, you say some nice things about God, and you leave. | ||
| Nobody feels like shit. | ||
| Nobody feels like a fucking sinner, like a piece of shit. | ||
| I talked to two Mormons maybe like a couple months ago while they were walking around and I was on a jog. | ||
| We started talking and I said, oh, you guys don't ever have like a time to relax, go see a movie or whatever. | ||
| And they're like, no, we can only rest for seven hours on Wednesday. | ||
| And that's what we do our laundry. | ||
| But the rest of the time we're scouting around and knocking on people's doors. | ||
| I'm like, well, okay, you're talking about missionaries. | ||
| Yeah, the people on the missions. | ||
| Yeah, this isn't like, you know, everybody doesn't have to do that. | ||
| Only some of them do that? | ||
| No, these are just the people that want to like go and recruit people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I think they call them elders or something like that. | ||
| Elder, he's like, my name's Elder John. | ||
| I'm like, what's your real name? | ||
| How fucking hilarious is a young dude coming up to you calling himself Elder? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Pretty hot. | ||
| This person that I know that is a Mormon... | ||
| Just recently, they've completely abandoned it. | ||
| So it's been kind of fascinating. | ||
| So they had some things happen to them in their life, and they just decided the religion really doesn't make sense anymore. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| It's weird when that happens, man, when all of a sudden someone just goes, oh, what was I doing? | ||
| Like, I knew people that used to be Christians, like were super, super Christian, and then they just kind of... | ||
| Lightened up on it a bit. | ||
| Like Rampage Jackson at one point in time wouldn't swear. | ||
| Wouldn't stop swearing. | ||
| Didn't want to have premarital sex so he got married. | ||
| The whole deal went super full blown Christian. | ||
| So that was just the girl making him do that probably? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know man. | ||
| I think at some point in time people get real nervous and they really want to believe that there's an answer. | ||
| You know, they really want to believe that someone's got a book from 3,000 years ago with all the shit in it. | ||
| It's all in here, man. | ||
| It's all in here. | ||
| You can live a perfect life. | ||
| And if you're around people that really truly believe it, here's the deal, man. | ||
| It fucking works. | ||
| If you're around someone who's a real true practicing Christian, I mean, think about what that is. | ||
| For a real true practicing Christian, you are just doing Christian things. | ||
| You're trying to be loving and love your neighbor and do charitable things for your community. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it's supposed to be all about. | ||
| And if you do that, that really will make you a happier person. | ||
| So it does work. | ||
| Even though the reason why it works is because you're tricking yourself into believing that this 2,000-year-old book written by people who thought the world was flat and the sun was 17 miles away has all the fucking answers. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| But the fact that if you believe in something like that, it's like a placebo effect for your life. | ||
| Yeah, I was actually at work, and one of my bosses, he's a pastor also, and he hands me that Rick Warren's book. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's like Rick Warren's The Chosen Path. | ||
| It's a Catholic or a Christian book that a pastor wrote. | ||
| It's like one of the best-selling books ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The crazy ones are... | ||
| Is it two guys? | ||
| They have some whole fucking whole series of... | ||
| Of like super, super, super popular books, but it's all about like the apocalypse. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| You don't know about this? | ||
| Rick Warren. | ||
| I think there's a group of two guys, and they're like the best-selling authors in America, and people don't even know about them. | ||
| God, I've got to find this out right now. | ||
| I hate when this happens. | ||
| Did you read the religious book? | ||
| No, he handed it to me, and I was like, what's this for? | ||
| And he's just like, I want you to read this. | ||
| And I'm like, well, I don't want to read this so you could have it back. | ||
| And he's like, why don't you want to read it? | ||
| It's just like, you know, briefing on the Bible and whatnot. | ||
| And I just told him, even though he's a pastor, like, I don't want to read this. | ||
| Listen, like, I'm at work right now. | ||
| I don't need to read this. | ||
| I'm not lost. | ||
| Here's the guys. | ||
| There's two guys named Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. | ||
| And they write these books called The Left Behind Series. | ||
| And they made them into movies. | ||
| And I have two of them. | ||
| I have both of them because they're fucking awesome. | ||
| And they're with Kirk Cameron. | ||
| And it's all about how Jesus comes back and everybody dies. | ||
| But the Christians get taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked. | ||
| Do they believe this? | ||
| Or is this like fictional? | ||
| Oh yeah, they believe it. | ||
| This is the apocalypse. | ||
| This is the real shit. | ||
| God's going to come back and if you're not saved. | ||
| That's why these nutbags like Kirk Cameron... | ||
| That's why you see him talking to gangbangers and trying to get them to come to God. | ||
| He really believes that Jesus is going to just show up and everybody's going to be taken to heaven and everybody else is going to be stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth in a godless world with no laws and all the good Christians will be gone. | ||
| And they'll be stuck. | ||
| He really believes that. | ||
| And these books are fucking huge, huge, huge sellers. | ||
| Like millions and millions of copies. | ||
| Some of the most successful books in America. | ||
| Some of the most successful fiction. | ||
| It's pretty crazy shit. | ||
| Or he's completely full of shit. | ||
| He's just dollar, dollar bills. | ||
| Well, I don't think so, man. | ||
| I think they started out probably... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You think they're full of shit completely? | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| I mean, look at all these people that ever get in trouble for, you know... | ||
| I think he's gay. | ||
| All these religious guys. | ||
| If I had to bet money on Kirk Cameron being gay or not gay... | ||
| Oh, dude, he had a perm when he was on Growing Pains. | ||
| Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. | ||
| So did... | ||
| I'm trying to think of somebody good. | ||
| I think Tommy Morrison made it out of perm at one point in time. | ||
| Wait a minute, he has AIDS. Bad... | ||
| Bad example. | ||
| But... | ||
| When I see him trying to convert people, I'm like, what are you running from, dude? | ||
| Why are you so into this? | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| Why is that consuming your humanism? | ||
| It's a gay thing. | ||
| Or money. | ||
| It's gay. | ||
| Gay money. | ||
| Gay and money? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To me, it just seems like it's a smart thing that he's doing. | ||
| The same reason why there's clean comics. | ||
| You would say that, but this guy goes and has, like, debates against, like, scientists, and they look really stupid. | ||
| Him and his buddy. | ||
| He's got a buddy that has a... | ||
| I forget this fucking buddy's name. | ||
| His buddy's retarded. | ||
| Ray Comfort, okay? | ||
| And you ever seen the banana thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where he says the banana was designed by God, and this is how he can prove it. | ||
| He shows that the banana fits in your hand, and he peels the banana and eats it, and shows this is an evolutionist nightmare, because this is clear evidence of creation, that God has created this fruit. | ||
| He fucking really meant that when he was saying it. | ||
| God created a dick. | ||
| It also fits in the hand. | ||
| It also gives you juice when you are thirsty after killing dinosaurs. | ||
| But no, he has to do that kind of shit in order for him to make this money, to be legit, to sell all these books. | ||
| He has to also do bullshit like that. | ||
| He would have to be a way better actor than he's capable of because these two guys are so dumb in these debates and they're so fascinating. | ||
| There's no way you could not believe what they're saying. | ||
| And say the things they're saying? | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| Unless it's like one big gigantic, you know, multi-decade hustle. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think they're just knuckleheads. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I think there's knuckleheads and they get married to an idea and then they just stick with that motherfucker. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whether it makes sense or not. | ||
| But these dudes, these left behind dudes, I want to know what their circulation is. | ||
| I'm sure you do. | ||
| I do, baby. | ||
| What's their circulation? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| By the way, Oprah disclosed that her news was that she has a half-sister. | ||
| She didn't know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's news? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They make it all big. | |
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| How is that news? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Everything with Oprah's news, I mean, it's kind of like when you get put in that certain class of... | ||
| Why is that news? | ||
| Old black lady. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah, it's very weird. | ||
| I can't find out how many books this thing sold. | ||
| Not quickly, but it was a fuckload, officially, a fuckload of books. | ||
| It's all about these people being left behind. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| If you ever want to get blazed, then watch Kirk Cameron. | ||
| It rocks. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I'd rather watch Growing Pains blazed. | ||
| That would be good, too. | ||
| At least there's Tracy Gold in there, you know. | ||
| Let's get some Tracy Gold. | ||
| Have you been paying attention to what's going on in Yellowstone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Yellowstone National Park, you know, has a caldera supervolcano that erupts every six to eight hundred thousand years and just fucking, it's a continent killer. | ||
| It kills like almost everything on the continent. | ||
| It'll kill like two-thirds of all living things on North America. | ||
| Well, the magma has been bulging, and it's got these bulging pocket swells where the earth is lifting. | ||
| And there's all these photos of them online, and they're starting to freak out. | ||
| When are we due? | ||
| How long have we been? | ||
| Well, they don't know. | ||
| Well, see, it's been about 600,000 years, so it really could happen. | ||
| They were concerned. | ||
| They said they were concerned for a while, but then they're not. | ||
| Now they're not anymore because it stopped doing what they were worried it could do. | ||
| But the bottom line is it's completely unpredictable. | ||
| They don't know when it can happen or why it happens or what causes it. | ||
| When they say it's a continent killer, like it could destroy the whole continent, is that like maximum and then the minimum is like, oh, it will ruin the Taco Bell next door? | ||
| Well, this is what it is, dude. | ||
| It's 300 kilometers wide. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's a super volcano, which means when it blows up, you know, Mount St. Helens is like a volcano, and then at the top, there's a small area where all the lava was shooting up in the air. | ||
| Well, this isn't like that. | ||
| What this is, is like the top part, but the top part is 160 miles wide. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it shoots straight up in the air like a fucking mile high wall of lava. | ||
| And then nuclear winter occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets covered in fucking ash. | ||
| Like no planes can fly. | ||
| Remember that little tiny baby ass volcano that blew up in Iceland and everybody got fucked? | ||
| Nobody can even fly anywhere. | ||
| But when this one blows, it's... | ||
| Do they do anything to, like, drill holes in it to release pressure? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is way too big. | ||
| You gotta move to Australia, bitch. | ||
| Move to Australia and have some canned food waiting. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that motherfucker goes, if that motherfucker goes, it's going to go. | ||
| We probably won't be able to do anything. | ||
| You probably won't be able to get out in time. | ||
| If we find out, like, tomorrow that Yellowstone's going to blow, what are we going to do? | ||
| Where are we going to go? | ||
| Are we going to go to San Diego? | ||
| That's why I keep that in my car, Joe. | ||
| My emergency kit. | ||
| Your emergency kit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I hope that thing has a motorboat in it. | ||
| Because you're going to have to get the fuck out of the shop. | ||
| That's what it should put in there. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Get one of those rafts. | ||
| Those, like, blow up rafts. | ||
| Sure, because in Australia, when these crazy floods hit, there were sharks in the street. | ||
| Sharks, yeah. | ||
| People spotted sharks, bull sharks, swimming down the street. | ||
| That's how much water there was in Australia. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| Some guns. | ||
| If you knew molten lava was just coming and there was no escape, would you let it get you or would you kill yourself? | ||
| It's not even that. | ||
| The molten lava is going to fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, that's bad. | ||
| Molten lava is terrible. | ||
| But it's all the other stuff that's going to get you too. | ||
| The toxic rain, the fucking shit in the air where it fills your lungs up and kills you. | ||
| Like a lot of animals, they found all these woolly mammoths and they were all dead. | ||
| And they were dead in this mass field of them. | ||
| And one of the things they found was that their lungs were all filled with soot. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Like, their lungs were filled with, like, volcanic ash. | ||
| And so what happened was, they just got caught in some big volcano eruption, and they just breathed in all that smoke, and it literally, like, turned their lungs into rocks. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And they just died. | ||
| You know, you get lungs filled with volcanic ash, and it's like volcanic rocks, you know, basically, in your body. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| It's terrible, yeah. | ||
| It cuts off your air. | ||
| You can't breathe. | ||
| I mean, the air is thick with this shit, and they all died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't. | |
| Have you ever thought to get one of those chemical masks that you can get at surplus stores? | ||
| Dude, when you need that chemical mask, everybody's dead anyway. | ||
| If you needed that, what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to be Mad Max? | ||
| Are you going to be out there on your own? | ||
| Go walk around and help some dead ladies and grab some wallets. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| At a certain point in time, you've got to say night and night. | ||
| If there really is a heaven or a hell, and I did kill myself in that situation, I hope that they'd be like, it's okay, we get it. | ||
| No, see, they don't. | ||
| They won't get it. | ||
| There's no exception to that. | ||
| You can't kill yourself. | ||
| Kill yourself before you suffocate to death or molten lava attacks your body. | ||
| Well, molten lava probably gets you really quick. | ||
| I mean, if you fell in... | ||
| I bet if you fell in a volcano, it would take like one second. | ||
| You would just disappear. | ||
| Have you seen that movie, Volcano? | ||
| Is that what that's called? | ||
| I mean, how long could you last? | ||
| That's what they used to do, man. | ||
| In Hawaii, people were douchebags. | ||
| They throw them in fucking Pele. | ||
| They throw them in a volcano, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's how they got rid of cunts. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's how they get rid of people. | ||
| That's how they execute them. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Back in the day, son. | ||
| Dizay. | ||
| Back when motherfuckers were wearing straw skirts, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Throwing spears at animals and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Sacrifice to the gods. | ||
| Wild pigs and shit. | ||
| That'd be a wild place to live. | ||
| Throwing people in a volcano. | ||
| There was this documentary on lost tribes and all these different people that are still living like they lived thousands of years ago all over the world. | ||
| And I was watching it and I was thinking to myself, man, what the fuck would I do if it all went back to this? | ||
| Would I even want to go back to this? | ||
| Like, what if society ended and all of a sudden you're making bows and arrows out of fucking bamboo trees and making your own twine and you're trying to feed your family by hunting food? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That'd be okay. | ||
| What? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why would you think that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It'd be fun. | ||
| It'd be fun for a week and then you're like, I'm fucking hungry and there's nothing to eat around here except this bird that won't sit still and I need to make a... | ||
| Well, guess what? | ||
| There's not that many animals. | ||
| It's not nearly as many as you would need to sustain a population. | ||
| We think of, we'll go hunting. | ||
| Well, there's no animals to hunt anymore. | ||
| It's not like it used to be 300 years ago where you could go anywhere near here and there'd be deer everywhere and all sorts of other animals to eat like that. | ||
| We pushed all those bitches out. | ||
| There's like nothing left. | ||
| Occasionally you'll see a deer in Hollywood. | ||
| You ever drive up Laurel Canyon and see a deer family and shit? | ||
| It's a trip. | ||
| It's like, wow, you guys are still here, huh? | ||
| I was asking you that yesterday if you ever see deer around here. | ||
| It seems very empty. | ||
| I see deers and coyotes. | ||
| We'd be fucked. | ||
| We'd have to start eating each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| No, definitely. | ||
| Dogs first, then people. | ||
| There's no other food. | ||
| How many fucking cows are there around here? | ||
| If you've got no more cars, okay? | ||
| Cars don't work anymore. | ||
| Let's just get crazy. | ||
| Right? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You've got no phones. | ||
| You're going to start eating people. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you're going to probably kill yourself. | ||
| You're going to try to figure out a way to kill yourself after you've eaten a few people and you feel bad. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I couldn't eat a person? | ||
| Would you rather die? | ||
| Yeah, I would kill myself before I eat a person. | ||
| Speaking of killing yourself, this fucking bath salts thing. | ||
| Have you heard about this? | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| This is, for the folks that haven't heard, and this is not a joke. | ||
| This isn't The Onion, okay? | ||
| This is The Huffington Post, which is sometimes almost as funny as The Onion, but in a different way. | ||
| Anyway, this is, what they're saying is that there's chemicals that are sold as bath salts, and people are taking these and they're getting high with them. | ||
| And it's making people like... | ||
| Crazy, suicidal, doing nutty shit. | ||
| Like this one guy took a skinning knife, it says, slit his face and stomach repeatedly. | ||
| He survived, but other people haven't been lucky as they've been snorting, injecting, and snorting powders such as innocuous sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove, and Vanilla Sky. | ||
| So it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal, suicidal maniac. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Who was the first person to do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I mean, what is it about people that we are so desperate to change our state of consciousness? | ||
| So desperate to get drunk or high or... | ||
| Speaking of which, you're a fucking drunk cast. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I've been meaning to do this intervention and do it on the air. | ||
| Oh God, is this what it is? | ||
| Because this is an intervention. | ||
| I need to talk to the both of you. | ||
| Okay, you can't drink like that that often. | ||
| No, we don't do it. | ||
| You're going to die and you're going to die on camera. | ||
| You're going to have fucking liver failure on camera and that's going to be a sad show. | ||
| We waited like 10 days between the both. | ||
| Well, you're fine. | ||
| This motherfucker calls me like, you got me sick. | ||
| I got you sick, dude. | ||
| I saw you fucking shit face slurring hammered on the Ustream. | ||
| Bottle of Jägermeister. | ||
| Yeah, a whole bottle of Jägermeister. | ||
| You're blaming me for you being sick. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| We both were sick. | ||
| Yeah, you both should be sick, you crazy fucks. | ||
| Those are nuts. | ||
| Still sick. | ||
| So what they do is, for the folks at home that do not know about this, they do this thing called the Drunk Cast. | ||
| He calls it Blackout Cast or Drunk Cast. | ||
| And he's done it a few times. | ||
| Sometimes they do it and they watch the UFC, which is pretty cool. | ||
| They watch the fights and then while the fights are going on, all these comics are commentating on it. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| You know, like Joey's over there and Sam Tripoli and Tebe. | ||
| And, well, the latest thing is they drink a whole fucking bottle of Jaeger and just get completely smashed. | ||
| In like an hour, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was not like... | ||
| See, the problem is we've done two of the blackout cast, which is where we take a whole bottle and we start going crazy. | ||
| First one was the Jaegermeister bottle. | ||
| And we did that in like an hour. | ||
| And then don't remember the last half of it. | ||
| Don't remember the next day for the first couple hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, I don't remember anything. | ||
| Then the second one, we did... | ||
| What does it feel like when you watch the video? | ||
| Oh, it's hilarious. | ||
| That one was funny because it was... | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the last one was so bad, you took it down. | ||
| Well, I'm debating on it. | ||
| Because the problem was, is the UFC drunk cast was right before it. | ||
| And we got sloshed on the drunk cast. | ||
| Like, we were wasted at the end of the last one. | ||
| And then we decided like an hour later, hey, we're still drinking. | ||
| Let's do a blackout cast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was bad. | |
| But then we were so wasted that we couldn't even think of what to drink. | ||
| So we were drinking coconut water with vodka. | ||
| We were doing just like straight Morgans. | ||
| That actually sounds good. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| It was actually good. | ||
| Coconut water and vodka sounds good. | ||
| Did you do it over the rocks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It took off the edge of the vodka. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I want one of those. | ||
| But we had Jaeger, vodka, beer, and Captain Morgan's. | ||
| And we're drinking all this mixed up. | ||
| Mixes two days in a row. | ||
| So two days in a row you're basically drinking. | ||
| The broadcast is when? | ||
| No, that was an hour before we started this blackout. | ||
| So it's the same day. | ||
| It was an hour after. | ||
| So we did two podcasts in the same day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was the day before. | ||
| Oh my god, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, you poor fuck. | ||
| I don't think we should post it because we just got so unsocial also. | ||
| This is an impersonation of most of the Blackout one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's him. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Leave it. | ||
| Leave it up, dude. | ||
| Leave it up. | ||
| That's important, man. | ||
| That's part of the entertainment. | ||
| Listen, that's part of the entertainment value. | ||
| People don't have to watch it. | ||
| You're not forcing them. | ||
| You're not charging them for it. | ||
| It's up there. | ||
| Leave it up there. | ||
| Maybe I'll put the audio up, but the video. | ||
| The video's not. | ||
| The video's okay. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about we take the video and record you guys doing commentary? | ||
| That would be funny. | ||
| That would be funny. | ||
| Yeah, have it playing on and then get it to a certain point where it's like where you're just not even talking anymore and then just start explaining things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what was going through my head. | |
| Should I puke now? | ||
| Can I hold it in or can I get to the bathroom? | ||
| You tried puking on camera. | ||
| Yeah, I tried. | ||
| There was a part where I was puking in a bag and then she ended up puking. | ||
| Well, you ended up licking his fleshlight. | ||
| You should have thrown up. | ||
| That was at the UFC drunk cast. | ||
| She did that. | ||
| That was how drunk she was at the UFC drunk cast. | ||
| I mean, we really were bad that last one. | ||
| I don't know if I can... | ||
| I think the secret is starting off completely sober and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour or something. | ||
| Did the porn stars touch your flashlight? | ||
| No, they were like, I'm not going to touch that. | ||
| Wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| The girl's picking shit out of her teeth with her fingernails. | ||
| And she said, I'm too good for your flashlight. | ||
| And then Allison kissed it. | ||
| It was clean, right? | ||
| It was clean, right? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Listen, it's washed, but the bottom line is, well, it's like shaking hands with a dude. | ||
| If you shake hands with a dude, you're basically touching his dick, because every guy touches his dick. | ||
| And the odds of him having washed his hands after he touched his dick, before he touches your hands, they're like 70% against. | ||
| Most of the time, when you're not around, we're always grabbing our dicks and moving it around, or grabbing our balls. | ||
| You shake a guy's hand, you're touching his balls. | ||
| There's one point in the drunk cast, which is this, this is true. | ||
| Well, you kiss a girl, you're sucking someone's dick. | ||
| I don't think I ever told you this. | ||
| This is a true story, a crazy story. | ||
| So I used to work at this Mexican restaurant, and I was a waiter. | ||
| And the waitresses were, there was one 18-year-old waitress and like three 17-year-old waitresses. | ||
| They're all fucking hot, and they all had a crush on me. | ||
| We need some porno music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so anyways, I started having sex with the 18-year-old hostess. | ||
| Damn, look at you. | ||
| A playa. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| She had a party once where she invited all the hostesses and so was me, her, and like three other hostesses. | ||
| We're all getting wasted drinking. | ||
| I bought them alcohol because that's what I like to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But anyways... | ||
| The party starter's here. | ||
| I was like, how can I make out with all these, take advantage of all these girls at the same time? | ||
| And so I thought up this idea where I took Saram Wrap and I would put it in between my mouth and the girl's mouth and go, if you want to make out, you're not touching me. | ||
| So we can pretty much make out as much as you want and it will feel real. | ||
| They were like, holy shit, that's awesome. | ||
| And so I would just start making out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old were you? | |
| He was 18, right? | ||
| That's kind of weird. | ||
| I was 18, 19. And they were 18? | ||
| And they fell for this? | ||
| That's a good 13-year-old move. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And what was great is like I would, on a couple of the girls, I had a little hole in the thing that I'd find my tongue through. | ||
| And they wouldn't notice because it felt, it feels real. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| And then I started taking saran wrap, putting on my hands, being like, I could touch your boobs because I'm not actually touching your boobs. | ||
| That's like a serial killer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was hilarious. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| Yeah, and so I did that. | ||
| We were so drunk, I started doing that on... | ||
| Tell me more about this move. | ||
| So the girls let you do that? | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| Did they pull their tits out? | ||
| All of them, no. | ||
| It was up the shirt, making out, and... | ||
| Up the shirt. | ||
| So raw tit, and you just have... | ||
| What was so funny is... | ||
| It's that the girls could feel when I put my hand up with the plastic on, like it was like not like half plastic. | ||
| Like the ceramic wrap wasn't covering my hand half the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And they knew that. | ||
| And it was just like, dude, this move is awesome. | ||
| 30 girls. | ||
| Meanwhile, Julian Assange is in jail for rape for way less than that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so then... | ||
| Then the one girl I was fucking with, I went and had sex with her later that night, and the other girls passed out in the living room. | ||
| I came out, and this one girl was still awake, horny, and she called me over, and we started making out, and we had sex in there, and then it led to sex, even. | ||
| So I think you started a competition by feeling up all these girls and being the only male. | ||
| You started a competition. | ||
| You created an unfair game. | ||
| Very smart move. | ||
| Give me a pound. | ||
| That was strong. | ||
| So I pulled the move on Allison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Didn't it feel real? | ||
| It feels real, right? | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| It felt completely real. | ||
| Pulled the move on Allison? | ||
| I was like, we shouldn't make out. | ||
| He's like, I'll use Saran Wrap. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| I guess that works. | ||
| Why don't you just use condoms? | ||
| You don't even really fucking... | ||
| That's what you're pretty much doing. | ||
| It's like face condoms and hand condoms. | ||
| Wow, pitch that to Trojan. | ||
| Yeah, if you had a really strong plastic, like a really strong one, and you could put your whole body and cover your entire body in this sheet of plastic. | ||
| Sure, let's try it out. | ||
| Look, I can show you how real it feels. | ||
| You want to make out through the bung? | ||
| Through the volcano bag? | ||
| Joe. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| On today's big thing, that website I said earlier, they have this thing where it's called the creepiest man alive, and he blows himself up in balloons, and he like sits in there and hangs out. | ||
| He makes balloon suits. | ||
| Balloon suits. | ||
| I would not say he's the creepiest man alive. | ||
| If you think that's the creepiest guy alive, you need to get online more. | ||
| That's what it's titled. | ||
| That's the title. | ||
| They're just being silly. | ||
| It's not really the creepiest man. | ||
| That would be hilarious if I lived in a balloon and invited girls into my balloon. | ||
| The best thing ever, that's what it's called? | ||
| Todaysbigthing.com. | ||
| Todaysbigthing.com. | ||
| You can never fucking keep track of all these sites. | ||
| There's always so many goddamn sites. | ||
| Very good one. | ||
| Todaysbigthing.com. | ||
| Is the internet ever going to run out of website addresses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| No, because they'll just start adding more dots, dots, dots, dots. | ||
| Yeah, it's always weird when you go like.ru, you know, like, hey, are you trying to fucking, what are you trying to do? | ||
| Are you trying to give me a virus? | ||
| Jack my shit? | ||
| If I look at like a Russian website, I go, ooh, like Romania. | ||
| I was reading this thing and I believe it was in Wired. | ||
| About this one area of Romania that has just a gigantic percentage of the world's hackers. | ||
| And they're all driving around like Mercedes-Benz's. | ||
| They're all young, loud-mouthed kids. | ||
| They're just hackers. | ||
| Just jacking people. | ||
| All these scams. | ||
| How many times a week do you get, dear sirs, I need help from you. | ||
| And in exchange, you will have access to my grandfather's fortune of whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And this is what I need you to do. | ||
| How many of those do you get? | ||
| Dude, I got one today that was so hilarious. | ||
| It was from Microsoft Xbox Award Show Soccer at Gmail or something like that. | ||
| And it says, oh my goodness, you have won the grand prize of the Microsoft Word National Holiday, something like that, sponsored by soccer. | ||
| Do you have it? | ||
| Can you pull it up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let me see if I can pull it up. | ||
| It says it's from Africa. | ||
| Oh, those are the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hilarious. | |
| I marked it as spam. | ||
| And they're from Nigeria. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if I can get that. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| Give a fuck in Nigeria. | ||
| It's like you're the winner of Microsoft. | ||
| Nigeria is the wild, wild west. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wild, wild west. | |
| But I loved how they were throwing in so many keywords that even if my mom saw it, she'd probably be like, well, it is from Microsoft Word, you know? | ||
| Hold on, right here we go. | ||
| Spam. | ||
| Shit, did I delete that? | ||
| So it came in as spam? | ||
| No, it came into my inbox, but I think I marked it as spam, so I don't know what happens to that. | ||
| Check your trash. | ||
| I did check it. | ||
| It's not there. | ||
| I don't have it anymore. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| I literally just put it on. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| No, I got it. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| I got a whole section I saved in my email. | ||
| The wording on this. | ||
| All right, here it is. | ||
| It's from Microsoft2011gmail at fifaworldcuplottery.com. | ||
| It says, Dear winner, please check the attachment below. | ||
| Dear winner, Microsoft Corporation Management worldwide are pleased to inform you that you are a winner of your annual Microsoft Word lottery conducted in Africa, being the host of the present FIFA World Cup Mega Jackpot winning program. | ||
| Your personal Gmail address or company email attached to the Microsoft Word with serial number, you are a lucky number, and you won. | ||
| You've therefore been approved for lump sums of 1.1900,000... | ||
| Payable in cash, credited to file number, BT something, from total prize money of 50 million United States dollars. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| What are they asking for? | ||
| It says, all participants were selected from Gmail worldwide websites throughout our Microsoft computer ballot system, drawing from 21,000 names. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| So what do they need you to do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then it says, it gives some phone numbers, and it gives some emails, which would be great if we could call this person right now. | ||
| Oh, that'd be hilarious. | ||
| It says, it must be claimed. | ||
| I have to fill out this thing in order to avoid mistakes. | ||
| Yeah, well, okay, what do you have to do? | ||
| Do you need to give them money? | ||
| Like, what do they ask for? | ||
| No, it says name, address, nationality, sex, age, occupation, um, No, it looks like I just have to call this person back, and that's when they start asking for numbers. | ||
| Yeah, and they probably, when they get all that information, like name and all that jazz, they probably zoom in on you. | ||
| Then they do an internet search for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| And then they just start targeting you and going after you. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| It says, lottery sponsors, chief sponsors, Microsoft corporations. | ||
| And then it shows photos of all these pictures of people winning state lotteries. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I get a bunch of different kinds. | ||
| Some of them, it's a different kind of scam. | ||
| This is one I got the other day. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck this guy is. | ||
| It says Ryan Keegan. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know any Ryan Keegans. | ||
| Hey, how you doing? | ||
| I made a trip to London two days back. | ||
| Got mugged at gunpoint last night. | ||
| All cash, credit card, and phone was stolen. | ||
| I got messed up in another country. | ||
| I'm stranded in London. | ||
| It's a bitter experience, and I was hurt on my right hand, but I think I'd be just fine. | ||
| I'm sending you this message because I don't want anyone to panic. | ||
| I want you to keep it that way for now. | ||
| My return flight leaves in a few hours, but I'm having trouble sorting out my hotel bills, wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport. | ||
| About $2,500. | ||
| I've been to the embassy, but they aren't helping issues. | ||
| I have limited means of getting out of here, so I really need your help. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| But I guess he sends this to like, you know, I guess you send this to like a million people and you get a few bites. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and all you need is a few bites. | ||
| If you could do this with a computer, if a computer can generate a whole gigantic email list that you can steal from something or buy, like a lot of them, I bet you can buy them. | ||
| You know, I mean, there's a bunch of different corporations for sure. | ||
| Like they've gone on a business and you ordered something online and they sell your email address and they have a database. | ||
| They sell their database. | ||
| It just amazes me that they're all so stupid sounding. | ||
| Let's talk about what we talked about earlier. | ||
| The waitress that wouldn't shut the fuck up that Joey Diaz had to give an ear beating to. | ||
| If you took that woman and all of a sudden she gets this email. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Where do we know each other from? | ||
| They should add something like, hey, have you seen Black Swan yet? | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| No, he gets... | ||
| No, he's stuck in London, man. | ||
| You got time to talk about Black Swan. | ||
| Do you like Microsoft Word? | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Anyways, I need money. | ||
| He gets one old retired woman who has Alzheimer's and she's like, oh my gosh, Ryan? | ||
| Yes, and there's a lot of those people out there. | ||
| There's a lot of little man boys out there too. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are like children. | ||
| You could take their money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| I talked to this photographer and he has a friend that does this organization called Project Child Save where they get a bunch of money together and this guy flies out to other countries and Takes back, like, kidnapped kids. | ||
| Like, they may be taken and brings them back here. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I guess, like, the government has nothing to do with it. | ||
| It's all, like, privately run. | ||
| They do that right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That is a lot of gunfire, I would imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that insane? | |
| If you stole, like, a stolen kid from a family, you're pretty much kidnapping. | ||
| But they go to other countries. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
| That's a good reality show. | ||
| Project Child Save? | ||
| No shit, but I bet you couldn't follow me. | ||
| That would be a little conspicuous. | ||
| Running around with a gun in their hand, sneaking around the corner with a fucking camera guy behind him. | ||
| And like a boom. | ||
| Here's another one that I got that was a much more subtle one. | ||
| Attention! | ||
| How are you doing? | ||
| Hope fine? | ||
| Sorry for the late email update. | ||
| I want to make fast contact with Mr. David Doy in regards to your released project fund. | ||
| Why do you save them? | ||
| I save them all. | ||
| I save them all. | ||
| I got one from the first bank in Nigeria from 2009 that I've saved. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's a collector's item. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Just listen to the first line. | ||
| The first bank of Nigeria. | ||
| I've got to remember that. | ||
| Listen to this one. | ||
| Dear, this letter is written to you in order to change your life from today. | ||
| They got me so far. | ||
| I am riveted. | ||
| I am Mr. James Lewis, the director, international remittance department of this bank, comma, my boss, comma, Mr. Jacobs, no comma, just a slight space, M. Smith, comma, the managing director CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that from Nigeria? | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| It's like, do you even have Microsoft Word, motherfucker? | ||
| What did you run this shit through? | ||
| Google Translate? | ||
| Paintbrush and text edit. | ||
| They must have just ran it through a translation program, right? | ||
| They don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| There's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by this because what I'm getting here, right? | ||
| Again, I'm sitting in front of my computer and I'm getting this direct connection with some fucking guys who are basically like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. | ||
| You know, I mean, like, think of, like, some of the people in Nigeria. | ||
| You know, Somali pirates and all these fucking nuts that they've got. | ||
| I mean, it's a wild, crazy, savage world out there, and there are just millions and millions of email just trying to fuck people out of their money. | ||
| How are you getting me on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you getting me on here? | |
| I watched this episode of Intervention on A&E and one of the guys was getting interventioned because he was addicted to replying to those kind of spam emails. | ||
| He blew his whole retirement and he'd be on the phone with Africa and they'd be like, we need 30 more dollars. | ||
| He's like, okay, I'm right on it. | ||
| And he's like, I'm not getting scammed. | ||
| I'm just waiting for my prize money. | ||
| And his family's like, he doesn't get it. | ||
| It was Intervention? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was Intervention, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They shouldn't even waste a show on that guy. | ||
| They should just slap him. | ||
| Slap him a couple times and take his internet away. | ||
| It's not wasting a show. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| We talked about this one guy that was getting scammed by these Nigerian dudes and they pretended that they were a hot chick. | ||
| And it was a famous porno star. | ||
| And they used her photos and this poor fucking guy was this sad old 60-year-old man and he thought that it was real. | ||
| He thought that he was really going to meet his queen. | ||
| But what happened? | ||
| This dummy flew to London 14 times. | ||
| 14 times to me, and for whatever reason, they could never quite hook up. | ||
| There's a good website called 419eater.com, and they pretty much just screw over all the scammers. | ||
| That's the whole website. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| 419eater.com. | ||
| Is it like a Yelp for scammers? | ||
| It's like opposite trolling. | ||
| Like baiting. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Remember when Stanhope used to do that all the time? | ||
| Stanhope used to bait child molesters. | ||
| I think he read a book about it. | ||
| Didn't he publish all of them as a book or something? | ||
| It seems like he did. | ||
| Did he do it for a job or anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| He did it to be Doug Stanhope. | ||
| That's just how Stanhope rocks it. | ||
| So he was contacting these child molesters and then take all the fucked up shit that he would say to them, pretending he was a little kid, and they would put it online. | ||
| There was a whole website, baiting.org. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Is that still around? | ||
| I don't think so, but that 419 is awesome. | ||
| You've got to check that out. | ||
| There's the Hall of Fame, the Trophy Room, and these people. | ||
| Yeah, baiting.org is here. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It says, Welcome to Baiting.org, one of the most fucked up sites on the internet. | ||
| Due to the mass amount of sexual content on this site, we felt it was in everybody's best interest to give you the following disclaimer. | ||
| And then you go in and it's all, the whole thing is all them baiting child molesters. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's the fucking Stanhope stuff, though. | ||
| If you could find it, yeah, there's a bunch of them. | ||
| You could see them there by Stanhope. | ||
| And they're goddamn genius. | ||
| You know, I think half of my lung is filled with incense. | ||
| You got some crazy incense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was huge. | |
| That was like an incense log. | ||
| That's like a fire log of incense. | ||
| That's the real shit, man. | ||
| I get that from the Jamaicans outside of the House of Blues. | ||
| It's smoky. | ||
| What kind do you want, man? | ||
| Is it too much? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll kill it. | |
| It's almost like I feel like I don't have any air. | ||
| You're like breathing perfume. | ||
| I'm 100% hippie. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| I'll kill it. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| Meanwhile, you smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| My eyes are watering, though. | ||
| I've never... | ||
| We're all like... | ||
| Is yours? | ||
| Do you feel it? | ||
| It feels like it's just thick. | ||
| Now that you're saying it, I'm noticing it, but I wasn't noticing it before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn you. | |
| You know what I'm trying to do, man? | ||
| I'll try to recreate what it used to be like back in the day when I started out in the comedy clubs, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you could just go into a smoky room and you knew that just dark shit was going to happen. | |
| Something about those smoky rooms, man, where you just knew. | ||
| No one's taking care of their health here. | ||
| This is a place of deviance. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's why I used to love smoky pool halls. | ||
| Pool halls used to be the best. | ||
| You go in two o'clock in the morning, the place is packed and there's a... | ||
| A thick cloud of cigarette smoke. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably not so good for you, but something about it is just... | ||
| God, the worst is waking up the next day, though, and smelling your clothes. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Especially if you don't smoke. | ||
| Even as a smoker, that's disgusting. | ||
| They still have one of those in Orange County, near where I live. | ||
| It's a bar with pool tables and stuff, and you can smoke cigarettes inside. | ||
| I was having this conversation with a buddy of mine about those natural cigarettes. | ||
| Are those things any better for you? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| They say they are. | ||
| It's like vapor. | ||
| And there's like no carcinogens in it or something? | ||
| Well, but it's still tobacco, right? | ||
| Smoking tobacco is not good for you, right? | ||
| Well, there's no smoke. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| It's kind of like... | ||
| Well, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm talking about cigarettes. | ||
| Oh, electronic cigarettes. | ||
| I thought you were talking about electric. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Natural cigarettes. | ||
| I said natural. | ||
| Like those American spirits things? | ||
| Like, are those better for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course, yeah. | |
| They're better for you because it doesn't have the 102 other chemicals in it. | ||
| So yeah, it's better for you than having a Marlboro Light. | ||
| It is, definitely. | ||
| But I also have noticed when I smoke those, it takes forever. | ||
| It's like I'm smoking 20 minutes instead of 5 minutes. | ||
| And it tastes like a bonfire. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I like it, but it feels like you're smoking more. | ||
| A bonfire. | ||
| That's an interesting way of describing it. | ||
| When you get smoke in your mouth when you're near a fire, it's like you cough on it and it tastes nasty. | ||
| Yeah, it's just very leafy and dry. | ||
| Ooh, that doesn't sound good. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| That's like an old cigar. | ||
| Marlboro Lights, you barely even feel like you're smoking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It just feels calming or something. | ||
| I don't mind tobacco, man. | ||
| I like tobacco in the form of cigars. | ||
| Tobacco, when you smoke a big cigar, especially after you have a big meal and have a big cigar, cigars, they give you a weird buzz, man. | ||
| That helps, though. | ||
| Even if you're not inhaling the cigar, you still feel that satisfaction? | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Because it comes into your bloodstream. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| A lot of people don't know that, but anytime there's smoke in your mouth, it's almost immediately in your blood swipe. | ||
| That's why people say, I'm not going to inhale this weed. | ||
| You're still getting fucking stoned. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Clinton, you dummy. | ||
| So fucking dumb. | ||
| I didn't inhale. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Then you didn't get as high. | ||
| You still got high, silly. | ||
| And you got bath salts. | ||
| So are they going to start recalling bath salts? | ||
| Yeah, they're making some bath salts illegal in Ireland right now. | ||
| It's an epidemic all across the world. | ||
| I wonder what it would be like to snort Mr. Bubble. | ||
| Dude, the weird thing is the names of it. | ||
| Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning, Hurricane Charlie. | ||
| Chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates, and suicidal thoughts. | ||
| It makes you attack yourself. | ||
| And it makes your nose smell great. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Your body is probably... | ||
| Your body's probably so mad that you're such a dumb cunt that you snort bath salts that your body's like, oh, we're gonna kill ourselves now. | ||
| Alright, you wanna do this, bitch? | ||
| You wanna do this? | ||
| Come on, get a knife. | ||
| Well, can't you get... | ||
| I mean, you can pretty much get fucked up on almost anything if you wanted to. | ||
| I don't think you can get fucked up to the point where you wanna slash your face off. | ||
| I mean, listen to the things that people are doing, man. | ||
| They're like attacking themselves. | ||
| Yeah, they're still conscious and alive and stuff. | ||
| And it causes, apparently, it's super... | ||
| The stimulants are neurotransmitters in the brain, they're saying. | ||
| And this stuff, MDPV and methadrone, they're made in a lab, and they aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption. | ||
| So these things are in these bath salts. | ||
| How the fuck is this stuff in bath salts? | ||
| That's like, you're like taking a bath with crank. | ||
| Like, that's what you're doing. | ||
| You're taking a bath with PCP. How is that in there? | ||
| Isn't it just supposed to be salt? | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It trips your pores open and it gets in there and washes around. | |
| Yeah, it causes intense cravings for it and they'll binge on it for three to four days before they show up in an ER. And even though it's a horrible trip, they want to do it again and again. | ||
| It's incredibly addictive. | ||
| Wow, this is nuts. | ||
| 25 states have received calls about exposure, including Nevada and California. | ||
| Louisiana leads with the greatest number of calls at 165. 165 fucking people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to go to Bed Bath& Beyond tonight and get some. | |
| Wow, this is crazy. | ||
| Might as well try it before they recall it. | ||
| No shit, at least stock up on it. | ||
| This is really nuts. | ||
| Florida had 48 different calls, or 38 different calls. | ||
| It's like the highest demanded drug now. | ||
| Soapcast. | ||
| That's a strange, strange thing. | ||
| That all of a sudden they figure out that they can smoke. | ||
| It's almost like you found another hole in the system. | ||
| People want to get high so bad. | ||
| Oh, we found this new shit. | ||
| Hundreds of people are doing this. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And apparently it's not something you do recreational. | ||
| It's not like, I tried it, I didn't like it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You just do it and you get crazy. | ||
| You're into a face slashing zombie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow, this is nuts, man. | ||
| I wonder if you could just do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face-slashing zombie. | ||
| Maybe they're just doing way too much. | ||
| You lose all control. | ||
| Whoa, here it is. | ||
| Can't stop. | ||
| This is what they're saying. | ||
| The problem grew in rural Mississippi after a law began restricting the sale of pseudoephedrine, the key ingredient in making methamphetamines. | ||
| Sudafedrine? | ||
| Yeah, Sudafedrine. | ||
| So when they stopped selling that stuff, restricting the sale of it, they couldn't get meth anymore. | ||
| So they got crazy and then they tried this shit. | ||
| This is worse than meth! | ||
| This is something that's fucking up meth heads. | ||
| Like, they used to just be meth heads, and then they started doing bath salts and cutting their faces off. | ||
| I want to hear about the kids who tried it, who started this phenomenon, you know? | ||
| I don't think it was kids. | ||
| Where were they? | ||
| Yeah, it was probably kids. | ||
| Yeah, I bet it wasn't kids. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you know what I bet happened? | ||
| It's probably the government, man. | ||
| I bet there was some fucking crazy guy, like in that Breaking Bad show, there was some sort of a scientist character, and he realized that bath salts will fuck you up, too. | ||
| So he just started giving them to people. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| But you can't even corner that market if you tell them it's bath salts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they must have held them at gunpoint to get the secret. | ||
| Listen, man, it's just bath salts. | ||
| This is the greatest fucking crack of all time, man. | ||
| Give me the shit I'm taking over the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, Duco. | |
| It's just bath salts. | ||
| Can you imagine getting to the point? | ||
| Remember when you used to get those things for Christmas where it was like a bag of bath salts? | ||
| You know, it was like a decorative item given to you by a... | ||
| Have you ever seen them? | ||
| It looks like a snowball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You throw them in there and it's... | ||
| Right, and that's gonna be like your eight ball is one of those things. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They aren't regulated. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| Meanwhile, they just made 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine illegal. | ||
| They made it super illegal now. | ||
| You can't get it anywhere. | ||
| If you have it, you're in trouble. | ||
| That shit used to be able to buy it online. | ||
| Tryptamine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine, which is the most potent form of DMT. Really? | ||
| You used to be able to buy it online. | ||
| Yeah, you could buy a jug of it and just get blasted on it until the end of time. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So now it's a Schedule 1? | ||
| Yeah, now it's right there with marijuana. | ||
| Yeah, I used to be able to just buy it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And then someone figured out, like, hey, you can get really high off this shit and you can just buy it online. | ||
| That's pretty silly. | ||
| If you get caught with acid, you go to jail forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Not forever, but you get caught with anything. | ||
| Anything like acid. | ||
| Am I playing footsies for me here? | ||
| If you get caught with any kind of acid, anything where they think you're doing that, where you're making your own drugs, that's even crazier than mushrooms or pot. | ||
| Because what are you doing? | ||
| You're synthesizing a chemical specifically for the purpose of getting people fucked up. | ||
| You're a special case. | ||
| You've got rubber gloves and shit and a lab coat on, and you're in your bathtub, and you're making enough acid to get a whole state high. | ||
| You can make enough acid in your bathtub to get like a million people hot. | ||
| Can you imagine accidentally splashing it onto your arm? | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| It took me five years to make this ass because every time I would like to splash it, I would die for like two months. | ||
| Listen, I met this girl a couple years ago and she told me that she has this friend who like obviously went crazy and moved away to a different state, but she got pulled over by the cops and had a whole vial of acid on her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And she drank it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What? | ||
| And she tripped for like 60 days and fucking like split town and like has been a weirdo ever since. | ||
| I never met the girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| She drank it. | ||
| Dude, why wouldn't you just pour it on the ground? | ||
| Pour it on the carpet, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's ridiculous. | ||
| All of a sudden her car just starts going... | ||
| Car comes to life and becomes a transformer. | ||
| Wow, I've heard stories about people. | ||
| That's the number one drug that I've heard stories about people losing their shit on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just breaking. | ||
| You know, just... | ||
| See ya. | ||
| Broke it. | ||
| Broke it. | ||
| I think acid, any psychedelic, even DMT, I think if you do it a certain amount of times, you're probably not going to be the same as before. | ||
| I knew a dude who did it a hundred times and he totally became crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He just was doing DMT all the time. | ||
| To the point where when he would do DMT, the DMT entities would talk to him and go, Dude, dude, dude, you gotta stop coming here. | ||
| Just settle the fuck down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Killing our buzz, man. | ||
| When you have a DMT experience, a lot of it is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It could be that you're communicating with some other part of your consciousness that you don't normally have access to, or it could be the great beyond, like this well of souls, or it could be aliens in another dimension. | ||
| You're communicating with something. | ||
| Whatever it is is really just speculative. | ||
| But this guy, when he would go over there, the DMT, whatever he was connecting to, was going, do-do-do-do. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Stop smoking DMT every day. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| That's funny when the DMT spirits are actually annoyed with you. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| You come here all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're annoying. | |
| You fucking eat my food. | ||
| You stinky feet are on my couch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, man, until they figure out a way to let people do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies, do whatever the fuck you want, you're going to always have a gang of different drug problems. | ||
| What people are afraid of, though, is that when you start making everything legal, well, then, you know, well, kids could get a hold of it, and everyone could get addicted, and that is definitely true. | ||
| You do run those problems. | ||
| You do run a chance of there being a little bit of a spike once it becomes initially legal. | ||
| But... | ||
| You're going to have to let people learn. | ||
| You have to raise your kids and tell them to never do that shit. | ||
| You have to be around other people that raise their kids and tell them, you know, don't do meth. | ||
| It's going to kill you. | ||
| Don't do heroin. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| You can smoke pot. | ||
| It's not going to hurt you. | ||
| If you drink, let me know. | ||
| I want to be there. | ||
| I want to let you know. | ||
| I want to make sure you don't drive home drunk. | ||
| People can navigate their way through a lot of different substances in this society if you just allowed us to. | ||
| But as soon as you start making shit illegal and restricting the access to a bunch of different things, people can't figure out what's good and what's bad. | ||
| That's why there's a lot of people that think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up. | ||
| Smoke pot, you're becoming a lazy piece of shit. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they don't have access to it. | ||
| If everybody had access to it, especially weed, if everybody had access to weed, we would all think of it the same way that stoners think of it. | ||
| Stoners pretty much universally look at pot and say, well, it's very beneficial to me. | ||
| It calms me down. | ||
| It gives you perspective. | ||
| It makes me silly. | ||
| And then there's the medical uses for it. | ||
| I mean, it's like universal amongst the people that use it. | ||
| Well, how come the other people don't share that opinion? | ||
| Well, it's because they're not using it. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| People that are anti-pot, it's possible that you have some weird reaction to pot, in which case I would say, hey, don't do it. | ||
| You don't have to do it. | ||
| But... | ||
| I guarantee you, if you're not doing it and you're describing what it is, you don't know. | ||
| Yeah, or they have like a mom or a dad or brother that was like lazy as shit while they smoked weed. | ||
| So they're like, oh no, everybody is like that. | ||
| I've totally witnessed that. | ||
| And I'm like, no, it's not like that. | ||
| Your brother's fucking lazy. | ||
| They don't see enough ambitious stoners out there. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| It will give you a different perspective. | ||
| And it might not necessarily be a better perspective, but it's good to look at things a different way all the time. | ||
| Every now and then, rather. | ||
| If you're looking at things the exact same way, you can get locked into a mental pattern where you think that things make sense. | ||
| And then you need a good, really fucking... | ||
| A good, real good bake session where you just completely float away. | ||
| You know, when you and your friends are sitting around like me, how many times have we had these conversations, especially after shows, where we're just completely barbecued, like eating dinner, and we're all just breaking down the universe or figuring out life or just having these conversations where you almost can't get there on your own. | ||
| There's some conversations that you get to when you're high where you're like, man, I don't think I can take responsibility for this conversation. | ||
| I don't think I ever would have gotten here if I wasn't high. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Of course, a lot of those conversations are not as cool as they would be, and they're just talking about how Fritos would be good in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. | ||
| No, I like those talks, those really, really nice marijuana-driven talks, because you can't get that when you're hammered. | ||
| No, no, you don't get them. | ||
| When you're hammered, it's more like, blah. | ||
| A good stoner conversation, not a dumb one, but a good one, where everybody's kind of in that groove. | ||
| Man, you can figure out a lot of shit in those conversations. | ||
| Did Nick Swartzen have a Jaguar? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They just put on TMZ that somebody stole his Jaguar last week outside the Improv on a Friday night. | ||
| Well, I bet it happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or he's just trolling TMZ. Do you think he would troll TMZ? I don't see him having it. | |
| You can't say that you got your car stolen. | ||
| They can find that out pretty easy. | ||
| It's like a felony. | ||
| Unless they're that lazy. | ||
| Well, not a felony to tell TMZ a lie. | ||
| Well, Wouldn't the cops be behind it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, not if you're just telling TMZ. Oh, I guess if TMZ you just could say whatever. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you could say whatever the fuck you want to those cunts. | ||
| The whole, the fucking Jim Norton over this weekend, I saw Jim Norton at Cap City Comedy Club when I was in Austin. | ||
| I was down in Austin for the fight for the troops and I had Friday off so I went to Cap City. | ||
| Ed Norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes on Tiger Woods. | ||
| Oh my god, he was killing me. | ||
| And Mel Gibson. | ||
| He was fucking killing me, dude. | ||
| Really, really funny shit. | ||
| Did you hang out with him after? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We went out to eat and Club Soda Kenny was there. | ||
| And Chris, Chris from the fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good guy. | ||
| But it was just, it was so fun and refreshing. | ||
| And right when I think that, like, I always start thinking that, like, maybe I have too many dick jokes. | ||
| I'm like, why is my sense of humor so juvenile? | ||
| Like, it's always, like, someone sucking dicks, or some dick goes in there, or, you know... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It just becomes a dick joke somewhere or another. | ||
| I mean, time machine jokes become dick jokes. | ||
| I have a really juvenile sense of humor. | ||
| And I was like, maybe there's a problem with that. | ||
| I know that's what I like, but maybe I should expand. | ||
| Then I saw Norton, and every other joke was a dick joke, and I fucking howled all the way through. | ||
| Literally, every other joke. | ||
| And we had a conversation about it. | ||
| I go, you gave me positive affirmation. | ||
| Sometimes I worry that I have too many dick jokes. | ||
| He goes, oh, I never think about that. | ||
| I never think about that. | ||
| He goes, that's what I think about. | ||
| I'm a sick fucking person. | ||
| He's funny, man. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| It was refreshing. | ||
| It's good to see... | ||
| When we work all the time, I don't get to see a full headliner set. | ||
| It's real rare that I get to see someone in a comedy club working. | ||
| And just be an audience member and sit down there. | ||
| So it was cool, man. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| I was howling. | ||
| But here's the weird thing, man. | ||
| There was these two local comics that were watching. | ||
| And the fucking... | ||
| He was killing, okay? | ||
| Norton was fucking killing. | ||
| And these two guys were watching like this. | ||
| Hater. | ||
| Dead-faced. | ||
| Just totally dead-faced. | ||
| And I was like, wow, that's weird. | ||
| You don't think this is fun? | ||
| I was crying laughing at certain points. | ||
| I mean, just really well-crafted jokes, really funny. | ||
| He had this bit about Tiger Woods. | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| I don't want to fuck it up. | ||
| I don't want to paraphrase it. | ||
| I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| But I was crying. | ||
| I was fucking crying. | ||
| And I looked over. | ||
| These guys are stone-faced. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| Well, not that as. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| Also, they're probably fascinated like it's a big deal to be working with a big name. | ||
| Jim Norton's a big name national act, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So then they get to work with him and then they're judging their own performance against his and trying to think if they're better than him. | ||
| There's so much jealousy with comedy, especially the guys that are like, I could do better than this person. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of guys that are just starting out or they've been doing it for a couple years that for some reason they feel like your success takes away from their success and they should have more success than they do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Very weird thing, man. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| To be a person that wants to be on stage with your voice amplified and a spotlight on you, you gotta be fucked up. | ||
| And I'm talking as one of them, and I'm talking to two other ones. | ||
| You guys are both comics. | ||
| You both do stand-up. | ||
| You know you gotta be fucking crazy to want to do that. | ||
| And so a lot of these people, they're like so desperate to even out their life. | ||
| They're so desperate to finally get some success. | ||
| It's so desperate to put it all together and have the big picture in front of them and finally move on past this disaster of a childhood that they, you know, they didn't want to claim ownership of their life. | ||
| So they get like super hyper ambitious. | ||
| I've met people who are like, you know, I hate stand-up. | ||
| I just get up on stage because it's challenging for me, but I hate it every second of it. | ||
| And I'm like, that's kind of strange. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who says that? | |
| Brian knows who says that. | ||
| You can't be good and say that. | ||
| You have to suck. | ||
| It's just period. | ||
| Except Steve Martin. | ||
| Steve Martin didn't like stand-up in the end. | ||
| You know, it was too easy for him, apparently. | ||
| And he was awesome. | ||
| You know, Let's Get Small? | ||
| That's some fucking great shit. | ||
| I remember when The Jerk came out. | ||
| Steve Martin was hilarious. | ||
| Johnson, Nathan R. Sounds like a typical badass. | ||
| Fun shit, man. | ||
| He was a funny, funny comedian, man. | ||
| But he just, it got too crazy. | ||
| He was so big that everything he said got laughs and he lost perspective. | ||
| He stopped doing it. | ||
| He was so good, he had to stop. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| He was such a letdown for me because I was such a huge Steve Martin fan. | ||
| What was the letdown? | ||
| It was just, you know, that part like around Sergeant Bilko years where he just kind of lost the part that was funny to me about him. | ||
| It's like, I can't really tell what it is. | ||
| I can tell you exactly what it is. | ||
| Just age, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It happens to all of them. | ||
| It happens to almost everyone. | ||
| It's very difficult to maintain a sense of humor, first of all, as your body starts to decay. | ||
| And second of all, as you have all these relationship problems, which they always do. | ||
| You just have these fantastic weddings that turn into... | ||
| bitter divorces their spirits start dying yeah and then you wonder well this is it I'm here already and now I'm 45 or something like that and I'm a movie star and I'm making all this money and I don't even enjoy myself and I don't even enjoy the product and what is funny anymore and when you're not doing stand up when you don't have that immediate for me at least I would not be confident in whether or not what I think is funny I know I know that I know how to make things fun I know what things are funny and aren't funny because I do stand-up so much. | ||
| So it's like you become immersed in the language of comedy. | ||
| But when you're removed from that completely, removed from the idea or the act of creating the comedy and then producing and then putting it on stage and then performing it and then honing it and then sharpening up the bits and you learn things from that. | ||
| Like, oh, that was way better when I did it this way because I got to it quicker and the people understood it better. | ||
| You become immersed in the language of comedy. | ||
| You stay good. | ||
| You stay good. | ||
| But when they stop doing comedy, man, they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like just act in movies for a while. | ||
| Like, you just, you might as well be living on Mars, motherfucker. | ||
| You're not even living with people. | ||
| You're walking around in a plastic bubble and people are getting you, you know, bagels and locks at the craft service table and you're pulling up in a Ferrari and complaining, you know, because there's a knock in it. | ||
| Piece of shit. | ||
| You know, and you go in the set and you get makeup put on you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They're fucking fitting a hairpiece to you to make your hair look big and thick. | ||
| I mean, that's what kind of a weird world is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| And you're walking down the carpet and that's your interaction with humans. | ||
| Your interaction with humans is on the set And people serving you and then your next project. | ||
| And it's always this weird relationship where you're a star and they're the underlings and they all need to keep you happy to keep their job. | ||
| And so everyone's like super supportive and you don't even know what the fuck is up and what's down. | ||
| You're just drunk all the time, fucked up on pills. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| You lose yourself. | ||
| That's the reason why so many of these guys become completely insane. | ||
| That world, the idea of living like that, you've got to be out of your fucking head. | ||
| One of the most frustrating things ever when I first moved to Hollywood was just dealing with actors. | ||
| Guys who had done it their whole lives and guys who had been involved in the business for just decades and you'd be dealing with them like, you aren't even fucking real. | ||
| You're so odd and fake and everybody's fake and it's like everybody accepts that everyone's fake. | ||
| No one's calling anybody out on any of this. | ||
| And the behavior is so strange, you know? | ||
| Everybody's pompous. | ||
| She does a lot of extra work. | ||
| So she's always on sets. | ||
| She was on set the other day with, what's that guy's name? | ||
| The rapper. | ||
| LL Cool J. LL Cool J and stuff like that. | ||
| Do you ever have any crazy stories of working with some of these people? | ||
| Okay, this is funny. | ||
| LL Cool J is walking around. | ||
| I didn't know who it was. | ||
| Someone pointed it out. | ||
| You don't know who LL Cool J is? | ||
| I don't know what he looks like. | ||
| I've only heard him. | ||
| I never looked at his picture. | ||
| What was the other thing that you didn't know? | ||
| She doesn't know a lot of stuff, which is kind of cool. | ||
| You didn't know something yesterday that was really weird, though. | ||
| Oh, you didn't know about the Howard Stern show. | ||
| You didn't know who Robin was, that there was Howard Stern and Robin. | ||
| That to me is... | ||
| She doesn't know a lot of things. | ||
| Like you go, do you know this TV show? | ||
| She's like, what Cosby show? | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| I would think that you would be able to... | ||
| Most people would be able to name who Robin Quivers was and Howard Stern. | ||
| More people would know that than know who was president before Clinton. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, nowadays, Howard Stern, she's 22. Still? | ||
| She missed the big Howard Stern. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Okay, because he was on satellite radio when you were in high school. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| You know... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wow, it still seems insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what about LL Cool J? Anyway, go ahead. | ||
| LL Cool J. So you didn't know who LL Cool J is? | ||
| I feel like a child. | ||
| I didn't know what LL Cool J looked like, but someone pointed him out to me, and he's going up all on set, all around like the girls, and he's like, hey ladies, how you doing? | ||
| Rubbing their shoulders. | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, you're looking good. | ||
| What you doing? | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I'm looking at him do this, and I'm like, this guy is ridiculous. | ||
| He's walking around like he owns the place, touching all these young girls, and they're like, and I'm like, you better not touch me. | ||
| I don't think you could use your LL Cool J credit just to be like, hey ladies. | ||
| I just thought it was kind of the douchiest thing. | ||
| But were you hating because he didn't come rub on you? | ||
| Oh no, what am I, a psycho? | ||
| Did the girls not like it? | ||
| No, the girls were into it. | ||
| I'm just looking at it and I'm like, that's so unreal. | ||
| Like, he's just walking around like... | ||
| But if they liked it, what's the problem? | ||
| If they liked it and he liked doing it... | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| It's just, it's odd. | ||
| You thought that he was going to do it to you. | ||
| That's why it was weird. | ||
| No, it's just weird that he does it because he's LL Cool J. Because a regular guy who's not his status wouldn't walk around like, yeah, what's going on? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is LL Cool J. Yeah, but that's what she's saying is weird. | |
| But it's not. | ||
| He's not a normal person. | ||
| Is he using that credit if the girls actually like it? | ||
| That's where it gets tricky. | ||
| If they actually like him doing that, is he using it? | ||
| No, she's not even saying that. | ||
| She's just saying it's weird seeing somebody act like that in general. | ||
| I don't give a shit what they do. | ||
| I totally agree with you, but if they like it, is it still weird? | ||
| If I saw that, it would be weird. | ||
| If I saw some guy walking around going, hey, what's up, baby? | ||
| Give me a kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the girls are like, uh-huh. | |
| But why would we judge this if he's enjoying it and they're enjoying it? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's one thing if he came up to you and you were like, okay, this is fucking... | ||
| I just came here to work, alright? | ||
| I don't want to be weirded out by some cult of personality. | ||
| But that'd be me being like prissy then. | ||
| No, that's not you being prissy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think so? | |
| No. | ||
| I just thought it was... | ||
| Someone should not violate your space. | ||
| If you were there or you were dating a guy and he was right next to you and the LL Cool J did that, that would be disrespectful, right? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Of course, right? | ||
| Then it's disrespectful even if your boyfriend's not there. | ||
| You're not supposed to go up to someone and just start touching them. | ||
| He's got to know that you like him first. | ||
| There's got to be some communication going, hey, can I rub your shoulders? | ||
| You can't just go up and start rubbing people's shoulders. | ||
| But that's what he was doing. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they liked it. | |
| They liked it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That's like the Clinton move when Clinton would just pull his dick out on girls. | ||
| Did you know Clinton used to do that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, he did it a bunch of times. | ||
| It's hilarious because it's like a frat boy move. | ||
| Clinton would be alone with chicks and just pull his dick out. | ||
| And people would go, how could he do that? | ||
| I'll tell you how he could do that because it worked. | ||
| It probably worked 80% of the time. | ||
| You know, it probably worked even more than that. | ||
| He's fucking Bill Clinton. | ||
| I bet if he felt a thing, he felt the green light, I'm gonna go for it. | ||
| I bet he whipped out his dick and like 80% of the time it was a home run. | ||
| But it was those, the awkward 20 that would just, it would just crash into the woods like he misread them or they just got so offended that he would do that that they just flipped over the other way. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| But he would rock that all the time. | ||
| That's what he would do. | ||
| Just pull his dick out. | ||
| What's your hatred of hot chicks? | ||
| But hold on a second. | ||
| I'm not finished there. | ||
| So, that's like what LL Cools Day is doing. | ||
| He's doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out. | ||
| He's just going for it. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| So, if you're with a guy, right? | ||
| And you really attracted the guy, and he pulls his dick out, and you just go for it. | ||
| I'd be like, what do you think I am? | ||
| Like, you know, I'm a fucking animal? | ||
| But what if you're really into him, if you're really into the guy? | ||
| It's possible, right? | ||
| If I was a chick, and I was really into it, it was a perfect situation, the perfect circumstance, and the guy pulls his dick out, and you gotta go, what the hell? | ||
| I think there's a difference, though, if, like, really liking LL Cool J, because he's, you know, a celebrity, and liking his rap, and then thinking, okay, now he has his dick out, wait. | ||
| Okay, we're not talking about LL Cool J now. | ||
| That was the president. | ||
| This is a different story. | ||
| We're mixing up our metaphors. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| I totally agree with you. | ||
| I would think it would be gross, too. | ||
| But if they like it and he likes it... | ||
| Then it's a match made in set heaven. | ||
| Set heaven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Well, you know, I mean, I bet a lot of girls, they come on the show just to meet him. | ||
| You know, LL Cool J is a suck symbol, right? | ||
| A lot of those freaky bitches, they probably come on shore. | ||
| They probably act as extras just to meet LL. Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I can't believe you right there. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| It's probably mostly 40-year-old women, though, and 30-year-old women. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't see no young girls going, oh, my God, LL coaches. | ||
| Oh, you're crazy. | ||
| He's a stud. | ||
| He's a stud. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's kind of like a... | ||
| She's 22 years old right here. | ||
| Built like a linebacker. | ||
| I think she would probably... | ||
| You might think, like, girls think that that's sexy, but I'm like, I see... | ||
| A 45-year-old man who's probably married, I don't know, but he just looks like a man. | ||
| He looks like a normal man. | ||
| He's not sexy. | ||
| Okay, LL Cool J is sexy. | ||
| If I was a chick, I would find him very sexy. | ||
| He's built. | ||
| He's got fucking workout books where he's on the cover completely shredded. | ||
| You're hating. | ||
| My LL Cool J theory is starting to become correct. | ||
| What is the LL Cool J theory? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This is the second time we've talked about LL Cool J and then you've defended his honor. | ||
| So I'm thinking that you are involved with LL Cool J. I probably wouldn't want to hang out with the dude, but I defend his right to be cocky. | ||
| He's LL Cool J. He pulled it off. | ||
| Plus he's a rapper. | ||
| Rappers have to be cocky. | ||
| That's part of the sport. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if it's just me. | ||
| It's attractive to know a guy is physically fit and has, like, physical fitness, but it's not, like, hot all because they're, like, muscular or built, you know? | ||
| That's all you. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| I think everybody is different. | ||
| I was talking to him last night. | ||
| There's a lot of girls. | ||
| There's a lot of guys like fat chicks, like big, big, fat ones. | ||
| We have friends. | ||
| We have this one fan. | ||
| He's not happy unless there's a girl who's just 30, 40 pounds overweight. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| He likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their clothes. | ||
| For whatever reason, that turns them on. | ||
| And he's a skinny guy. | ||
| Just his thing. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I think it's a smell that they give off that certain people just like that. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Like food, right? | ||
| Like pheromones. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It smells like a difference between sweaty butt and thigh mixed with... | ||
| Old hamburgers. | ||
| And that turns people on? | ||
| Yeah, maybe it's something like that. | ||
| You know what I think it is? | ||
| Honestly, I think it's your first sexual experience. | ||
| You have a really hot sexual experience with a fat girl, and your brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted to fat girls. | ||
| Maybe that happens to some people. | ||
| That is kind of interesting. | ||
| That means I would like brown-haired girls with big boobs. | ||
| Brown-haired girls with big boobs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was your first? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell us more. | ||
| Do you get that? | ||
| Do you have a specific type? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Not crazy. | ||
| Pretty much is what I look for nowadays. | ||
| Not crazy. | ||
| Not crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What percentage of girls that you've dated have been crazy? | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| 90? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Do you think girls are crazy, Allison? | ||
| You're around a lot of chicks. | ||
| Do you think the majority of your friends are to blame and that they're the crazy person? | ||
| A lot of the girls I'm friends with, they'll be like, so I have an issue with my boyfriend, but I think I'm just not going to tell him and see if it will go away without me telling him, but I'm going to act mad at him next time I see him. | ||
| Alright, so here's the question. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| When you're around a bunch of people and you keep having relationships like this over and over and over again where you're with crazy people, you have all these problems, how do you stop that? | ||
| How do you reset and how do you somehow or another move forward without all this bullshit in your life? | ||
| How do you do that? | ||
| I try to, like most of my crazy ass bitches, I try to remain friends with them and have some kind of cool level with them where it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think, okay, this person's fucking crazy, but I could still be friends with this crazy bitch, you know? | ||
| Right, but I'm saying, how do you move forward in your own life and stop this from happening? | ||
| Stop this pattern from appearing? | ||
| Oh, how do I stop dating crazy bitches? | ||
| Become gay, obviously. | ||
| Start sucking dick. | ||
| LL Cool J, look me up. | ||
| Where you at? | ||
| Where you at, girl? | ||
| That was a sad, sad, sad answer. | ||
| I think the true answer is you don't have an answer. | ||
| No, no, I really don't have an answer. | ||
| I mean, how do you have an answer for that? | ||
| You can. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| I mean, look at Allison Psycho McEyes over there. | ||
| She's about to snap. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Are you about to snap? | ||
| Some of those uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast, especially the first one, when you guys were hanging on each other, I'm like, wow, do you really want this out there, man? | ||
| Why? | ||
| You guys are so silly. | ||
| It felt like dirty. | ||
| I was like a voyeur. | ||
| Not just a voyeur, but I was watching two people in a living room hanging out and they were drunk and they were being silly together. | ||
| I'm like, I shouldn't be here. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Well, did you have pants on? | ||
| No, I never had pants on. | ||
| Well, that's probably what the main reason was. | ||
| You shouldn't be watching us. | ||
| I walk around naked like a caveman, bro. | ||
| One of my good friends I grew up with, I've known him since we were like 10, he says he was watching it and he's like, honestly, I got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as I was watching it. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people actually said the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, you know why? | ||
| Because he wants to fuck you. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| What? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Oh, that dude, yeah. | ||
| He got uncomfortable. | ||
| You know why he got uncomfortable? | ||
| Because it was me. | ||
| It's just I'm not the guy I was when I was younger. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't know me. | ||
| I'm just like, I thought you were gay. | ||
| You thought he was gay? | ||
| I did when we were like kids, but he has a girlfriend. | ||
| And he has a girlfriend, but he does have a thing for you, huh? | ||
| He said it once. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I was like, get the fuck out of my room. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I'm all high and I'm trying to go to bed. | ||
| And he was living with me. | ||
| He was living with you? | ||
| Whoa, whoa. | ||
| He was your roommate? | ||
| Yeah, because his parents kicked him out of the house. | ||
| Did you ever find loads in your shoes or anything like that? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Shit. | ||
| No, he comes in my room and he's like, hey, Allison, sit in my little chair like this next to my bed. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| He's like, so I've been thinking, like, if we weren't such good friends, I would fuck you. | ||
| And I was like, get the fuck out of my room. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| We never brought it back up. | ||
| I brought it back up a couple weeks later and I was like, you want to fuck me? | ||
| And he's like, no, I don't. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah. | ||
| You were making fun of him saying you want to fuck me? | ||
| Oh, what a friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| What a confidence booster. | ||
| Awesome having you around. | ||
| Sprite, you didn't jump out of a fucking window. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll never get it. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Well, you know, how old was he at the time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were 19. Yeah, when you're 19, you don't know what the fuck you're saying. | |
| That was last year. | ||
| No, we were 18, 19. Three years ago, man. | ||
| Many months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, bro. | ||
| 30 fucking months or so. | ||
| Two and a half years. | ||
| 1700 days. | ||
| Yeah, not that much, really, when you think about it. | ||
| Two and a half years ago, you were the same guy. | ||
| So was I. When you were like 22, though, it's a different fucking world. | ||
| If you knew me at 22, you'd be so scared of me. | ||
| Or two and a half years before that, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were you crazy back then? | ||
| I was crazier when I was a hippie, probably, just because I was fucked up all the time. | ||
| That's what we were talking about earlier when we were talking about Jersey Shore. | ||
| Could you imagine if you had a video of cameras following you around back when you were at that stage? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would come off so douchey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So gross. | ||
| Even when I was 18, I used to think I was invincible. | ||
| I went through that whole stage where I'm like, yeah, I don't need to wear my seatbelt, all that other bullshit. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Kind of, yeah. | ||
| And then you get out of that stage and you're like, what was I doing? | ||
| Have you never been hurt before? | ||
| I have. | ||
| I got hurt a bunch of times as a kid, so I never had that feeling. | ||
| I broke my arm when I was six. | ||
| I... Snap my forearm in two where it was like hanging off. | ||
| It was fucking creepy. | ||
| There was like a big dent in the middle of my forearm and like my hand was like the wrong, you know, it was like hanging, like folded. | ||
| It's like traumatizing. | ||
| Yeah, it was really bad. | ||
| It was a bad break. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They didn't have to put plates in it though. | ||
| They just said it somehow or another. | ||
| You should hear this car accident she was in, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You want to talk about that? | ||
| About her boyfriend and her wearing a... | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I was 15. Seatbelt or no seatbelt? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seatbelt. | |
| Okay. | ||
| And I was in the back seat. | ||
| Got my best friend. | ||
| The girl who actually said I wasn't a woman of God. | ||
| She went crazy from this. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Really? | ||
| From this? | ||
| From this accident. | ||
| Well, you could have included that when you were telling us how nutty she was. | ||
| No, it's good because I can relate it. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| So she's sitting on my right or whatever, my left. | ||
| My boyfriend at the time was on my right. | ||
| There's a guy driving and we're going down the road and we're going to go to this haunted house. | ||
| So he makes like a U-turn and... | ||
| Winds up hydroplaning, and we hit a tree, going like 55 miles an hour. | ||
| And I wake up covered in blood, and everyone had to pretty much get cut out of the car. | ||
| And my boyfriend was pronounced dead, but he lived but was in a coma for two months and had brain surgery, all because my cheekbone hit his temple, and it severed an artery, and his brain got pushed over to the side. | ||
| And the other kid was pronounced dead but lived, but he's kind of brain damaged. | ||
| He's okay now, though. | ||
| And then my best friend, who obviously was okay next to me, but she got a concussion. | ||
| And after that, she was like, I'm a woman of God. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So, yeah, the next day, I'm in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes, Allison, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't bad news. | ||
| But one of the guys aren't going to make it through the night. | ||
| And I was like, oh great. | ||
| And it was my boyfriend and I's like 11th month anniversary that day. | ||
| So it was like really fucked up. | ||
| And then I go to the hospital finally to go see him and they're reading him his last rites because they were going to loan his organs out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But he lived, and he was kind of slow for a while. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But now he's totally fine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's not the same person before the accident, but he's still a person. | ||
| Well, he has a big indent of your face on his face. | ||
| Yeah, he has this big scar all the way to here, and all because my cheekbone was just like, smash! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah, that was nuts. | ||
| But... | ||
| Hydroplaning is scary as fuck, man. | ||
| Those old shitty cars. | ||
| My first car was a 68442. Not my first car. | ||
| My first car was a 73 Chevelle, but my first car that was worth more than $10 was a 68442. It was an old hot rod, and it had a 400 cubic inch engine. | ||
| It was way too much power for a retard like me when I was 16, maybe 17 at the time. | ||
| And I hydroplaned right in front of my school. | ||
| I had bald tires. | ||
| The tires just weren't that good. | ||
| And there was a lot of water on the ground. | ||
| And the car slid sideways and slammed into a fucking telephone pole and a tree. | ||
| Broke the car in half. | ||
| What happened to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| Nothing was fine. | ||
| And the crazy thing is, me and the two dudes I was driving with were fine. | ||
| We weren't going that fast. | ||
| It was just a shitty car. | ||
| It's just fucking old. | ||
| If you hit the tree like that with a new car today, it wouldn't do nearly as much damage. | ||
| But that car just broke in half. | ||
| It was just kind of old and the frame wasn't good, I guess. | ||
| But I hit it pretty good. | ||
| I mean, I hit it pretty decent. | ||
| But I wasn't even going that fast, man. | ||
| It was just those old cars. | ||
| They have no control of them. | ||
| They suck, man. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| Remember how long it used to take? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I had a Skylark, a 1970 Skylark, and you'd have to be really careful with the brakes. | ||
| You have to be really careful with stopping, like stop way earlier than you think. | ||
| Cause you'd be like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, you fuck. | ||
| Come on, come on, come on. | ||
| Like every time you stop, it was like an ordeal, you know? | ||
| Then you have a new car today, man, with disc brakes, ABS, and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Technology, brother. | ||
| Technology. | ||
| Someday they're going to be making fun of people for driving around. | ||
| Remember when people had to get in their car and drive places? | ||
| When people had to wake up and go outside? | ||
| No, when you teleport, bro. | ||
| You're going to be able to teleport. | ||
| You're going to be able to move. | ||
| Like the mailman. | ||
| When is that going to go out of business? | ||
| That's very soon. | ||
| That's like five years, I would say. | ||
| I still send things and buy things and get things ordered by mail and I have to send checks in and stuff. | ||
| Soon. | ||
| It's going to be so unpractical soon. | ||
| Well, the problem is when you have no paper, you have no fucking, you know, it's like things are getting weirder and weirder. | ||
| At one point in time, money used to represent gold, right? | ||
| It used to represent this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold. | ||
| Well, it doesn't really mean that anymore. | ||
| Now it's like you just have confidence that this $100 is worth $100. | ||
| And what happens if it's all just numbers? | ||
| Like if you don't even have paper, you're constantly looking at computer screens. | ||
| Those screens are telling you what your numbers are and where are these numbers? | ||
| Are these numbers located? | ||
| Are they somewhere? | ||
| Are they even fucking real? | ||
| And then the economy becomes so transparent and so elusive and then it becomes too fucking strange. | ||
| I think we need some physical form. | ||
| We need money. | ||
| We need paper money. | ||
| We still need that shit. | ||
| We need something to just cling us to the idea that money is a real thing. | ||
| When it all just becomes zeros and ones and zeros and people just start jacking each other for their ones and zeros and adding ones and zeros where they don't belong. | ||
| It's not good, man. | ||
| It's like all the shit that's going down and all the money that goes to Iraq and Afghanistan and how much of it's missing. | ||
| Like all the Halliburton scams and scandals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard about that. | |
| It's fucking billions! | ||
| Billions of dollars! | ||
| Missing? | ||
| Yeah, they don't know where it is. | ||
| They're hiding it there? | ||
| They can't find it. | ||
| They did something. | ||
| And lately, the U2 Bono's organization, Red, do you know about all this? | ||
| It's supposed to be for AIDS in Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right, right, right. | |
| 66% of the money is stolen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They don't know where the fuck it went. | ||
| People are stealing. | ||
| From Bono's helping AIDS organization, people just suck. | ||
| Do you think the stealing is going on over there or around here? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't think they've isolated it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Could it easily be going on in Africa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how can you put it past Africa? | ||
| Right. | ||
| One for you, one for me. | ||
| That documentary of Liberia, how they had to get out of there because they heard that the guys had money. | ||
| So the guys who were filming it had to get out. | ||
| Were you talking about The Vice Guide to Liberia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talk about that on the podcast almost every week. | ||
| Ugh, really? | ||
| Because it's so fucking crazy. | ||
| If you have not seen it, folks, please get it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You said it's on Netflix, right? | ||
| Yeah, Netflix streaming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did we get into this conversation? | ||
| We're talking about Project Red. | ||
| Oh, the scam. | ||
| You know, the billions of dollars are missing. | ||
| This is U2's guy. | ||
| Bono's fucking organization. | ||
| And then the Halliburton shit. | ||
| How much money is missing there? | ||
| If Halliburton was like one guy, they would never be able to get away with that. | ||
| You know, if it was one person, it's like, where's like, you're missing billions. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| But because it's a corporation, you could be missing billions. | ||
| But the weird thing is, they get to vote like a person. | ||
| And they get to use money like a person and make donations like a person. | ||
| So they act as one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the most recent findings or Supreme Court rulings was that corporations had the same rights as an individual. | ||
| So they could donate money like an individual can donate. | ||
| whatever you want, which is ridiculous. | ||
| So Vermont is the first state to step up and deny that. | ||
| Vermont is the first state, they recently announced that they're not going to allow corporations to behave as a human being. | ||
| And that they're going to judge them in a different way. | ||
| So it's kind of interesting. | ||
| It's interesting that one state finally has the balls to step up. | ||
| Vermont is a weird state. | ||
| It's always been real kind of hippie. | ||
| Kind of like Ben and Jerry's Grateful Dead-ish. | ||
| There's not that many people up there. | ||
| Isn't that where that Bob Dole guy came from? | ||
| Not Bob Dole, the other guy. | ||
| He was running for president. | ||
| John Kerry? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The guy was running for president and then he screamed too much. | ||
| Fucking cunt. | ||
| You don't know his name. | ||
| I'm trying to search. | ||
| I'm searching my brain. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I don't remember his name. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| He was a really articulate guy. | ||
| I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell me almost immediately. | ||
| He was a really articulate guy, but for whatever reason, he did this one speech where while he was doing the speech, the homeboy started yelling. | ||
| Just to like... | ||
| You know, he's just like excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then we're gonna, you know, then we're gonna take over New York and then we're gonna take over California. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| And he was like at a rally and he didn't realize, you know, that the microphone, you know, when you think you're screaming and yelling, you know, and you think that the sound of the crowd is like, you're at the same level, the sound of the crowd, so you can't even hear your own voice. | ||
| Well, the microphone's right in front of his face. | ||
| So the microphone is only picking him up. | ||
| So it sounded like extra, completely crazy. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Alright, someone will tell me on the message board, please. | ||
| Because I know you fuckers know who his name is. | ||
| 66% of Bono's money. | ||
| Howard Dean. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Mr. Denizen. | ||
| He came up with it. | ||
| That's the dude's name. | ||
| Howard Dean. | ||
| I believe he was the governor of Vermont. | ||
| So it's a freaky little fucking state. | ||
| But they stepped up and said that corporations aren't people, you fuckheads. | ||
| Will that help? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not unless you move to Vermont. | ||
| Do you want to move to Vermont? | ||
| No, it's too cold. | ||
| Yeah, Vermont? | ||
| No, my friend Shane lived in that and there was points where it was snowing so bad that he had to drive through tunnels. | ||
| He was stuck at his house for weeks at times. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's normal. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, Vermont's no joke. | ||
| You can't be traveling on the road as much as we do and live in Vermont. | ||
| So that's out. | ||
| There was one other thing that I want to talk about before we get out of here. | ||
| But I don't remember what it is. | ||
| Got anything, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you guys hear it? | ||
| Yeah, I think I already told you. | ||
| But Flavor Flav has a new chicken. | ||
| He's selling chicken now. | ||
| And it's hilarious. | ||
| It's called Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken. | ||
| I want it. | ||
| And it's in, I believe, Iowa. | ||
| And if you've got to Google it, Google search that and just look at the advertising for it. | ||
| One, it doesn't even look like Flavor Flav. | ||
| Flava Flav's fried chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why Iowa? | |
| Him mixed with chicken wings. | ||
| There's a lot of people who love chicken in Iowa. | ||
| Hilarious stuff. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Hilarious stuff. | ||
| Flava Flava's one of those dudes who's just always going to kind of be around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't hear about Chuck D anymore. | ||
| You never hear about Professor Griff. | ||
| You don't hear about other members. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Terminator X? Where's Terminator X, bro? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, but Flava Flav. | ||
| Did you watch the Flava Flav show where they were trying to get him a girlfriend? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And the one girl who shit on the stairs? | ||
| Yes, that was so fucking hilarious. | ||
| You didn't see that? | ||
| I didn't see that part. | ||
| Brian, explain to her. | ||
| Yeah, I saw it. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| She passed out and she shitted on the stairs or something like that? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Somewhere or another she shit and it wound up on stairs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| I think she was walking up the stairs and she shit her pants. | ||
| Yeah, poop fell out on the stairs. | ||
| How long did he keep her on the show? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| But I mean, come on. | ||
| What kind of human is just shitting themselves? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's funny. | |
| Walking around dropping logs out of their pants. | ||
| I want to wish, hope that's completely real too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's real? | |
| And that's not like some stone director like, dude, just put a little poop coming out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He had all the girls make chicken and see what makes the best chicken. | ||
| And then this one lady served him and he's like, are you serious? | ||
| This isn't even cooked. | ||
| I can't believe you'd serve this. | ||
| Because she fucked it up. | ||
| Well, that's unfortunate. | ||
| Kicked her off. | ||
| Some people aren't that good at making chicken. | ||
| Guess not. | ||
| The reality shows don't have to make things up, man. | ||
| Those shows, they don't have to. | ||
| You know, shows like Jersey Shore, you don't have to. | ||
| There's enough craziness out there. | ||
| Teen moms, you don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to make something up. | ||
| It's like I auditioned for that WWE Divas thing, and then I didn't really know what it was all about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| I did. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| Last week. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| To be in the house. | ||
| To be in the house. | ||
| Oh, it's a show. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you get in the house, and then you do all these competitive-type things where you battle for a WWE Diva, where you do interviews and fights sometimes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The girl was like, you're almost perfect for this spot, da-da-da. | ||
| And I was like, sweet. | ||
| And then I was thinking about it, and I'm like, oh, it's going to be six weeks of filming, and they're going to... | ||
| It's going to be a crazy reality show, probably, if it did work out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, what does that mean? | ||
| I would never want to be in a house for six weeks. | ||
| I would never do those reality show houses. | ||
| Yeah, but when you're 22, what the fuck? | ||
| I like taking opportunities that sound kind of crazy, so I actually probably might do it. | ||
| So, you're going to do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be fun. | |
| You're going to be a pro wrestler? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Someday when you're a big name pro wrestler and you're on TV and you're battling, we'll say, we called in here first. | ||
| When you're like an interviewer and then you get drawn into the fight, right? | ||
| That's what's going to happen, right? | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's a good move. | ||
| I would say do it. | ||
| I think it sounds funny. | ||
| Flex your... | ||
| What, my neck? | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| No, how you can flex your... | ||
| Oh, you wouldn't be able to see it in this shirt. | ||
| What, you flex your boobs? | ||
| My pec muscles. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| She just raises each one. | ||
| Is she getting you to work out because you guys are hanging out? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You're gonna get a gym pass. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| I can physically train you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She's a physical trainer. | ||
| Powerful alpha male. | ||
| Female. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| We could just run together. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Not into it? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't care about shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| You're happy with your shape. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You're happy with your cigarettes and everything. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You don't need to change. | ||
| Don't ever change. | ||
| Don't change. | ||
| West Palm Beach this weekend, you dirty, dirty bitches. | ||
| Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring the show. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, again, click the link, type in Rogan. | ||
| It's all explained for you. | ||
| You get 15% off. | ||
| Thank you, Allison. | ||
| If you guys want to follow Allison on Twitter, it's AllisonRox, R-O-X. And there's two L's in Allison. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Thanks so much for having me on the show. | ||
| Thanks for being on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fun. | |
| And Redband is R-E-D-B-A-N. And you probably know mine is just my name. | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think you know who you are either. | ||
| I think you're fronting. | ||
| Alright, we will be back most likely tomorrow. | ||
| I always say that and sometimes we don't have a show, but I think we're going to put one together tomorrow. | ||
| You motherfuckers! | ||
| Alright, so this weekend, West Palm Beach Improv, 28th, 29th, and 30th with Ari Shafir. | ||
| Next weekend, the big, fat, fucked up show in Vegas. | ||
| Friday, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir, and me. | ||
| It's a big fucking place, but tickets are selling fast, so if you want to get that shit, son, go online at JoeRogan.net. | ||
| There's a link for that, too. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Love you guys. | ||
| See you soon. |
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