Nov. 27, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:07:11
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| What's up, bitches? | ||
| My friend Jason Tebow's all up in this bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your name? | |
| What's up, bitch? | ||
| He said, what's up, bitches? | ||
| I'll take your bitch. | ||
| I'll take your bitch. | ||
| I want to be redundant with my bitches. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I retired the word faggot from my vernacular. | ||
| Sorry to hear that. | ||
| I gave it up. | ||
| I gave it up in light of this most recent controversy where I called this guy a faggot. | ||
| Not meaning anything derogatory towards homosexuals, but there's this thought behind saying something like that as well. | ||
| What's important is not the word. | ||
| It's not a magic word. | ||
| It's your intent. | ||
| And that should be important. | ||
| But when there's a word that confuses a lot of people and pisses people off and that's not your intent, then really rationally and logically, you have to kind of accept that you have an ineffective word. | ||
| That word's not that good. | ||
| That word means too many different things. | ||
| It means, to some people, it means you hate gay people. | ||
| And that is the furthest possible thing from the truth. | ||
| I have absolutely zero problem with gay people. | ||
| I have no problem with it. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with it. | ||
| I've met a ton of cool gay people. | ||
| And I grew up in San Francisco when I was a little kid from age 7 to 11. | ||
| I was constantly around gay people. | ||
| My next-door neighbors were these gay guys that my aunt used to go over and smoke weed with. | ||
| This big, gay, fucking scary, muscular black guy with a shaved head and his weird white friend. | ||
| And these dudes would blaze out with my aunt. | ||
| They would all get high and naked. | ||
| What years with you? | ||
| This is shit. | ||
| It was a long time ago because I'm old as fuck. | ||
| I guess I was seven, between age seven to 11. | ||
| We lived there. | ||
| So that was like somewhere in the 1970s. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It was like right when the Vietnam War was ending. | ||
| It was like super hippie time in San Francisco, and that's where we lived. | ||
| And we were just constantly around gay people. | ||
| And I remember when I was a kid, I was like, I guess I was like 11, 12 when we moved from San Francisco to Florida. | ||
| And it was a totally different ballgame. | ||
| You could not get culturally more of a 180 from San Francisco, which is like the most open-minded place on earth, especially in the 1970s, to living in Gainesville, Florida with alligators and shit and rednecks. | ||
| And there's this Cuban dude. | ||
| I hung out with this kid. | ||
| His name was Candy, and he was a boy, and his name was Candy. | ||
| His name was Candy. | ||
| Yeah, Candido. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Candy. | ||
| Sweet Candy? | ||
| I think Candy Olivera. | ||
| I think that was his last name. | ||
| And his dad was like super homophobic. | ||
| And his dad was reading the paper. | ||
| He's going, you fucking believe this shit? | ||
| Like, throws the paper down on the table. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| I was like, whoa, what is going on? | ||
| Like, I had just been aware of war and that war ended. | ||
| I was like, real cognizant that there was some fucked up shit going on in the world. | ||
| Like, you know, I had you and you're like seven or eight and someone tries to sit down and explain to you war. | ||
| That there's some people, there's some people like, why are these people protesting? | ||
| I remember asking my stepfather, and he had to break this whole thing down to me, that there's a conflict going on and these people don't want to have to go over there and kill people. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, what? | ||
| Like, we go over. | ||
| They take you and they make you go somewhere and kill people. | ||
| And you don't even have to agree? | ||
|
unidentified
|
War is unfathomable to children. | |
| Not just unfathomable, but the idea of the draft and being forced into doing that is slavery. | ||
| It's nothing but slavery for a military industrial complex. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it is. | ||
| So I was freaked out about everything back then. | ||
| Very young kid. | ||
| Yeah, when you're a kid, you don't even like to be told to clean your room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the, you know, that's, let alone being so go. | |
| Anyway, so this guy freaks out. | ||
| I can't fucking believe this shit. | ||
| And he throws the thing down. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, we're going to war again. | ||
| We're going to war. | ||
| This is what I'm thinking. | ||
| And he goes, these fucking fags want to get married. | ||
| And I remember going, what? | ||
| No way. | ||
| I'm like, I've clearly, I've, I've been, I didn't even think that. | ||
| I thought it was clearly a mistake. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Because I didn't know any adults like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When I lived in San Francisco, like I said, my neighbors were these weird gay guys and my dad's friends were all architects and computer programmers. | ||
| They were all like really pretty smart people. | ||
| So I'd never heard anybody that gave a fuck about some people getting married that they don't even know. | ||
| But this guy was like really serious about it. | ||
| And it was a really important moment for me as like an 11-year-old because I realized there's levels of adults. | ||
| There's some people that are just adults, but they think like children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sure. | |
| They're completely ignorant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| And even though they're adults, even though they have kids of their own, they're still idiots. | ||
| I remember that being a big, important moment. | ||
| And that moment was because this guy was homophobic. | ||
| And I thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. | ||
| So by me conveying any homophobic, you know, any, any, not intent, but people receiving that and getting that message that I'm homophobic because I call somebody a faggot. | ||
| It doesn't mean that with straight guys, but it doesn't matter if it doesn't mean that. | ||
| The reality is, if it's making that many people pissed off and upset and it's making them think that you care about their sexual preference, like I, at a point in time, I was like, why am I attached to this fucking word? | ||
| Like, am I just stubborn? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It's fun to say. | ||
| It is fun to say, but why is it fun to say? | ||
| It's fun to say because you're not really supposed to say it. | ||
| Same reason fig newtons are nice to say. | ||
| It just sounds good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Faggot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I just decided from all this that it was an ineffective word, and then I didn't want to be hurting anybody's feelings for no reason at all. | ||
| I'm hurting absolutely the wrong people's feelings. | ||
| Like, I don't care at all about the fact that they're gay. | ||
| And if that hurts their feelings, if it's just this one word, it's like, it's enough. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| But isn't it something just more about somebody just being way too sensitive? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Like, there's like sensitive straight people and sensitive gay people. | ||
| I know a lot of gay people, you say the faggot in front of them, but they don't give a shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Absolutely fucking lootly. | ||
| For sure and true. | ||
| But it's not like they're saying don't swear at all. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not like they're saying you don't call people cunts or douchebags or any other word that means exactly the same thing. | ||
| You know, you call some guy a faggot, like, this guy's being a faggot. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's being a douchebag. | ||
| It's really the exact same intent. | ||
| Yeah, but if somebody says a negative thing going on. | ||
| If somebody says lard ass in front of me or fat so, I won't get up. | ||
| But that's descriptive. | ||
| That's descriptive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So is faggots. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| It's confused. | ||
| It has an ambivalent sort of meaning now. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| It could mean pussy. | ||
| It could mean, you know. | ||
| It's too confusing. | ||
| And, you know, Louis C.K. has a great bit about it where he kind of defends his use of it. | ||
| And every comic friend I know says it. | ||
| And Ari and Joey, when they got me my birthday cake for my 40th birthday, it says, happy birthday, faggot. | ||
| That's on my birthday cake. | ||
| Because we call each other faggots all the time. | ||
| It's like, you know, like someone like Brian might call me and go, hello, faggot. | ||
| You know, just out of nowhere. | ||
| That's actually the better one that I usually say. | ||
| It's just like when we talk, it's like fun. | ||
| You know, it's like we're children. | ||
| Everyone in our group, one of the things that binds us all together is we're all very juvenile. | ||
| You know, Joey is the oldest one, and he might be the youngest one. | ||
| I call my fleshlight a faggot all the time for obvious reasons. | ||
| Faggot, fleshlight from fleshlight.com. | ||
| If my dog was doing something stupid, like sniffing some fucking coyote shit, I'm like, get out of there, faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you doing? | |
| Say that to him. | ||
| I don't mean my dog's gay for coyote dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're going to have a lot of dogs. | ||
| Dog pet. | ||
| It's too confusing a word. | ||
| I just decided it's not worth it. | ||
| Is it been a big deal? | ||
| I mean, have you been getting a lot of bad stuff from? | ||
| Well, most people support me on it. | ||
| It's a strange thing, too, because some people support me and they'll support you. | ||
| They're like, fuck all those fucking fags. | ||
| They can't fucking deal with it. | ||
| Keep that shit out of our face. | ||
| Yeah, that's the wrong kind of support. | ||
| You're not helping the cause. | ||
| You're not helping the cause, faggot. | ||
| Why do you care if they want to go suck cocks? | ||
| If they want to suck cock from guys who like their cock suck, go get some. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Could you imagine if that was you? | ||
| If all of a sudden all these gay people were telling you you had to be gay? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or just complaining about the type of chicks that I was sleeping with. | ||
| So it's a problem, man. | ||
| The whole homophobia is a real problem. | ||
| It's the same exact thing as any doucheiness. | ||
| It's just racism or sexism or guys who want to roofy chicks and fucking, you know, and rape them while they're sleeping. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's all the same thing. | ||
| It's groups that hate other groups and it's just fucking. | ||
| And it's such a new, it's like, even though it's old, like homosexuality is super old. | ||
| And like, you know, very similar to you, like, I grew up in a very liberal environment. | ||
| My mother's a lesbian. | ||
| I was raised by lesbians growing up. | ||
| Shazam, what's that like? | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Let's talk about that. | ||
| I think your mom's a faggot. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Don't listen, mom. | ||
| But, you know, very similar to you, like, you know, I grew up in like the Chicago area, but in like, you know, early 80s, like lesbians in the Midwest were slightly less rare than leprechauns as far as, you know, you would know it. | ||
| It wasn't as out as it is now. | ||
| It wasn't socially acceptable at all. | ||
| You pretty much had to keep it under tight wraps or live in San Francisco or Chicago or a really open area. | ||
| You left that. | ||
| You didn't have Chicago. | ||
| It was pretty. | ||
| Chicago is tricky, no? | ||
| The line in the sand's pretty clear, but you could be more out then. | ||
| I mean, the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago is like the second biggest one to San Francisco. | ||
| When I think of liberal cities, I just think of New York and San Francisco. | ||
| I mean, I guess L.A., yeah. | ||
| I mean, L.A. is pretty open. | ||
| But I mean, as far as the whole Midwest goes, that's it. | ||
| It's not St. Louis, anything else. | ||
| I mean, Chicago's like, if you're going to be stuck in the Midwest, that's your only hope of any sort of liberal upbringing or not being bombarded. | ||
| So then when I went to college, I went to school in the Midwest, like southern Indiana, central Indiana. | ||
| And I actually would meet people. | ||
| I met a guy who's like, I never saw a real live black person until I wrestled one in high school. | ||
| Dude, that's a direct quote from this guy, Lonnie Belville. | ||
| And I was just, dude, and I was just like, get the, you know, first of all, a real live black person, like there's some sort of like animals that are like, you know, some, it's like Bigfoot or something to him. | ||
| But can you imagine how intimidating that must have been? | ||
| Like, there's a real black guy. | ||
| Now he's going to try to, you know, take my back and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Wow. | ||
| Like the first, his first meeting with a black guy, any black person in his life was on a wrestling match. | ||
| And he's probably used to those slow-ass white athletes, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He probably suddenly got this dude on springs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He probably, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Fucking John Jones, motherfucker. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Can move. | ||
| It doesn't make sense how that duck guy moves. | ||
| Why is he moving 10% better than everybody else? | ||
| He had neck bridging and what's going up with that? | ||
| How come he can throw bodies around like they're little dolls? | ||
| What's going on with his body? | ||
| Can we get him into a lab? | ||
| We got to duplicate this shit. | ||
| We got to get a Petri dish and scrape some cells off of this dude. | ||
| It's like after the match, he's probably just like, it's very nice meeting your kind. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Do you guys remember your first black person? | ||
| My what? | ||
| Do you guys remember your first black person? | ||
| Did you have sex with you, man? | ||
| No, I mean, just that's totally what I thought he meant. | ||
| No, I knew a lot of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| Yeah, I grew up, you know, like I grew up, my, you know, high school graduating class was like half black, half white. | ||
| Like, it was no big deal to me whatsoever. | ||
| But like, growing as a kid, like, I never really even understood racism anymore. | ||
| That's another thing that I didn't understand until I moved to Florida. | ||
| And my mom, my mom and I actually got in an argument about it because my mom was, she was a good person, but when she raised me, she was very young. | ||
| You know, she was 20 when she had me. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| So she didn't know shit. | ||
| She was a ding bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A kid. | |
| She was just a kid. | ||
| She was a kid. | ||
| A kid. | ||
| So she assumed I knew everything. | ||
| I didn't know how people had. | ||
| I did not know how that people had sex. | ||
| And I didn't know how babies were born until I was seven. | ||
| She never told me shit. | ||
| And then she goes, you know. | ||
| And I go, I don't know. | ||
| I go, I don't know. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| Tell me what it is. | ||
| You're just going to make fun of it. | ||
| I go, I'm just going to make fun of it. | ||
| Tell me how people make pain. | ||
| I had no fucking idea. | ||
| And my mom, I was in the car. | ||
| I Remember this very clearly. | ||
| 1970 Barracuda. | ||
| I'm sitting in the back seat with my sister. | ||
| And I go, just tell me. | ||
| So she tells me. | ||
| She goes, The man sticks his penis in the woman's vagina. | ||
| I start fucking laughing. | ||
| And she reaches back and hits me in the head for laughing. | ||
| She's like, I knew it. | ||
| I knew you were just trying to make fun of it. | ||
| I go, I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know what it meant. | ||
| It's a legitimate question. | ||
| That was one time that happened. | ||
| And the other time it happened was we were in Florida because some kid kept talking about niggers. | ||
| There was some kid in my school that just kept talking about niggers. | ||
| Like, man, we got problems here. | ||
| These niggas are moving in. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? | ||
| And I just moved there, so I didn't want to ask questions. | ||
| You know, I was a shy 11-year-old from San Francisco. | ||
| All of a sudden, I'm around alligators and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and so I met my mom. | ||
| I said, what is a nigger? | ||
| And she's like, will you stop doing that? | ||
| Don't make me talk about things I don't want to talk about. | ||
| And I go, I'm telling you, I don't know what it is. | ||
| She goes, it's a bad word for black people. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| Like, hold on. | ||
| Like, this dude is like claiming there's some war going on between white people and black people. | ||
| Well, in his mind, there are. | ||
| Is that really going down out here? | ||
| Like, I was so shocked that the environment was so radically different. | ||
| You know, San Francisco to Florida was fucking crazy. | ||
| It had to be. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Especially like early 80s, late 70s. | ||
| God, everybody was so dumb. | ||
| Everybody was so dumb. | ||
| They were giving out Bibles in school. | ||
| And I remember one kid who would like be like all super over-enthusiastic whenever anybody brought up religion because he wanted to let everybody know that he loves the Lord. | ||
| And so we're like, I guess, like 11. | ||
| And so they give it a stack of Bibles. | ||
| And I take this Bible. | ||
| I'm like, what am I doing with this shit? | ||
| I already had been through Catholic school. | ||
| I went to Catholic school for first grade. | ||
| And I had this horrible, just nasty, evil nun who just ruined my whole idea of what religion was all about. | ||
| So they were handing these books out. | ||
| I was like, this is ridiculous shit. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you doing here? | ||
| And there's this one dude. | ||
| He goes, I likes reading the Bible. | ||
| Oh, I'm so happy. | ||
| I can't even wait to get home. | ||
| Yeah, I likes reading the Bible. | ||
| And I remember thinking, what if me and this dude were the only two people on the planet? | ||
| This is my thought at 11 years old, looking at this kid screaming, holding it up in the air. | ||
| He was holding the Bible above his head while he was yelling this. | ||
| I was thinking, what if it was just me and this dummy and we were the only people on earth? | ||
| Would I want to live? | ||
| Would I want to live if this was the only guy I get to talk to? | ||
| That's what I thought of at 11. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| I liked reading the Bible. | ||
| I'll never forget that dude's voice. | ||
| I just wanted to pull him aside. | ||
| I go, dude, just come on, man. | ||
| Think about this. | ||
| The kids in my neighborhood, they used to call this thing where they would knock on the door and run. | ||
| They used to call it nigger knocking. | ||
| And I didn't know that the word nigger. | ||
| So one of my times I was like in front of the class doing something, I brought up, yeah, so me and my friends like to go nigger knocking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Under your interest of things you like to do. | |
| Oh, no, you did not. | ||
| And I remember that I still didn't realize that that was a bad word for some time until one day I kept on using that word. | ||
| And my mom was like, listen here, this is a bad word. | ||
| But then my grandmother would be like, oh, I can't believe they still have colored cashiers at this, you know, all that. | ||
| Like, she would say the word colored all the time. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| I remember one time a buddy of mine, a roommate of mine in college, we were with his grandmother. | ||
| She was really old, super, super racist from the South woman. | ||
| And they were watching TV. | ||
| I don't remember what the fuck we were watching, but she goes, hey, look at the TV. | ||
| Look at all those people with that nigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like it wasn't even a person. | |
| It was like a totally different, like a toy. | ||
| And both of us were like, whoa, dude, your grandma hate is like super. | ||
| That's like this racism and then there's like super racism. | ||
| Yeah, that's like hanging racism. | ||
| Totally, like without even thinking about it. | ||
| You'll see those creepy, creepy fucking black and white photos from the South. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they're terribly disturbing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Black people are hanging. | ||
| The white people are just standing around. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Just standing around looking at them. | ||
| Nobody's talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That wasn't that long ago, Joe. | |
| Not that long ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that was not that long ago. | |
| Those same people are the same people that pose with dead deers now and chopped off legs of deers. | ||
| That's like the same kind of photos. | ||
| It's like, I'm just with dead. | ||
| That's only two generations ago. | ||
| That's only watered down two generations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, scary. | |
| That's, you know, 40s, 50s, that shit was going down. | ||
| 60s. | ||
| This shit's still going down all over the world. | ||
| You know, there's people that are chopping people up for no reason all over the world. | ||
| It's scary shit, man. | ||
| How about in Africa where they're going after albinos for witchcraft? | ||
| They're using albinos. | ||
| Witchcraft still blood. | ||
| Oh, huge. | ||
| It's a big business in Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Dude, it's terrifying. | ||
| There's all these documentaries on witchcraft in Africa and all these guys who are, they do exorcisms. | ||
| People hack up their own kids because they get convinced that their kid is. | ||
| Before we go any further, our show is sponsored by the Fleshlight. | ||
| I just like to bring that up. | ||
| Fleshlight.com. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and enter in the code Rogan from the link, you get 15% off your flashlight. | ||
| I want to get into the fleshlight a little bit once we get to it. | ||
| I'm so happy that we have Flashlight as a sponsor now because I got a new bit. | ||
| It's a fucking monster. | ||
| It's killing them. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Killing them, son. | ||
| It's all about the flashlight. | ||
| That was a Segway Killer. | ||
| It was a Segway Killer. | ||
| Where did I leave off? | ||
| You were talking about the business of witchcraft. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it's a huge business in Africa. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's really terrible. | ||
| These guys that are just nothing but con men. | ||
| They take these people and they convince these people that their kid has a demon inside of them. | ||
| He's a demon inside him. | ||
| I got to get it out. | ||
| And they make the kid eat awful shit. | ||
| And they do all these crazy rituals. | ||
| But basically, all they're doing is just taking money from these parents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they tell me, you have to give me $5,000. | |
| If I don't have it, he's going to hell. | ||
| I mean, they have just these people just lose their fucking minds. | ||
| So it's like, you know, evangelism or something. | ||
| And they have guns. | ||
| These guys have guns, by the way. | ||
| These exorcism guys, they're like armed with AK-47s and shit. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They had a thing that was like the top 10 most dangerous countries to go to. | ||
| Africa by far. | ||
| Eight of them were African. | ||
| Eight of the top 10. | ||
| And then the other two were like, you know, Middle East or right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, we're all worried about what's going on in Afghanistan. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| If those fucking, some of those people that are those Somali pirates, if they figure out how to get planes and start flying to other countries. | ||
| Or just nuclear. | ||
| They get their hands on a nuclear bomb. | ||
| The one Nuclear bomb. | ||
| The Somali pirates, that situation is crazy. | ||
| They attacked a U.S. warship this week. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| How loaked are they? | ||
| They went after a goddamn U.S. warship and they were in a raft. | ||
| Dude, that's like they shot like rockets. | ||
| They jacked everybody. | ||
| They arrested them and took all their shit and went after the mothership and sunk that. | ||
| They're like, bitch, they had a flex on people. | ||
| They sunk all right, right. | ||
| And chased down. | ||
| There's some other guys. | ||
| Apparently, they couldn't find them. | ||
| They took off. | ||
| That goes to show you how goddamn big the ocean is. | ||
| If the U.S. Coast Guard or the U.S. Navy rather can't find you, they got warships and they can't find you. | ||
| God damn, how big is this fucking ocean? | ||
| But yeah, these crazy assholes. | ||
| They fired on these fucking people in a warship. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I mean, that shit happens a lot, though. | ||
| That's the people you got to be worried about. | ||
| People that are desperate. | ||
| So desperate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't care if they die. | |
| They don't care. | ||
| Do you know how that all gets started? | ||
| They call themselves the People's Coast Guard of Somalia or the Volunteer Coast Guard of Somalia. | ||
| And what happened was European companies were dumping a lot of toxic shit in the ocean off the coast near where they lived. | ||
| And they were just overfishing the fuck out of it. | ||
| So they're taking all these fish, dumping all the shit in the water, and they're dumping all the shit in the water. | ||
| Now it kills all the fish. | ||
| The water becomes polluted. | ||
| They can't make a living. | ||
| And so they first started kidnapping these boats that were dumping shit. | ||
| And what they were doing was taking these guys and they were bringing them and holding them for ransom because they're losing money. | ||
| They can't fish anymore. | ||
| But then once they got used to doing that and getting ransom money, they said, let's just start jacking people. | ||
| So then they turned into the Somali pirates, where it's like a big business. | ||
| And they're making millions of dollars. | ||
| And they get millions of dollars every year. | ||
| And no one knows exactly what to do with it. | ||
| And it's not like right near them. | ||
| They go hundreds and hundreds of miles out into the ocean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And yeah, that's an impossible thing to police. | |
| Dude, and they are loafsters. | ||
| They're ready to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean, that's like fuck. | |
| They're like the gangsters of the sea, literally. | ||
| Everybody around them has been dying. | ||
| It's amazing they made it this long. | ||
| The pressure of making it this long, wondering when you're going to die, is probably staggering. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because everything they're around is like people getting shot in the head and people dying and them shooting people and 12-year-olds with fucking machine guns gunning down people just for a laugh. | ||
| I mean, that's Africa all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day. | |
| All day. | ||
| So these crazy motherfuckers are out in rafts trying to take down a U.S. warship. | ||
| That's ballsy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like the barking chihuahua in like a dog park, like trying to take up a right. | |
| But I mean, look, think about this, man. | ||
| Nothing like that is going down in Afghanistan. | ||
| I mean, we need to fucking concentrate on the really crazy places. | ||
| Mexico and Africa. | ||
| And Korea. | ||
| And Korea, too, yeah. | ||
| We got a warship that's heading to Korea right now. | ||
| Yeah, we just need to clear that whole country down. | ||
| No, South Korea is awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't say that. | |
| Yeah, how dare you? | ||
| Koreans are up in arms right now. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| I grew up around Koreans. | ||
| Constantly around Koreans. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Doing Taekwondo. | ||
| I used to have to teach class in Korean. | ||
| I didn't really know how to say it. | ||
| I just knew how to say some of the moves and how to count. | ||
| I could count to like 10 in Korean. | ||
| I don't know how to do it anymore. | ||
| It's like, hana, do, set, net, dos, yos, yogo, yudu. | ||
| I don't remember how to do it right, though. | ||
| I might be saying it all wrong. | ||
| Yeah, you were like martial arts a long time. | ||
| Like Korean. | ||
| Taekwondo, taekwondo. | ||
| And then what you wanted to go to Korea. | ||
| I always wanted to go and compete there. | ||
| You're just enamored with martial arts when you were a kid? | ||
| That's how you get it. | ||
| Yeah, well, I became obsessed with Taekwondo when I was in high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because it was the first thing I ever got good at. | ||
| It was like, for me, it's like my whole life. | ||
| We moved around a lot. | ||
| I didn't have friends that I didn't have friends for any long period of time because we just kept moving. | ||
| So by the time I was in high school, I had no one who was a friend. | ||
| I just constantly had moved. | ||
| So I was super insecure and I needed something to make me feel like worthwhile. | ||
| And so I started doing Taekwondo and I got obsessed with it. | ||
| And plus I was small too, and I didn't like the idea of people picking on me and fucking with me. | ||
| So I wanted to be able to beat the shit out of people. | ||
| I was like, the only way to do that is you got to learn some karate. | ||
| It's like in the movies, man. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Get some Chuck Norris love in my life. | ||
| Man, I got to fucking figure out how to fight. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| I'm tired of being scared. | ||
| It's funny that, like, once you start doing that, that's generally the last thing you want to do. | ||
| To fight, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, the nice thing I know are fighters or people who train. | ||
| Because they don't have to worry, first of all, they're not insecure about it. | ||
| Men are always sizing each other up and wondering what would happen if we fought, man. | ||
| Me and that guy just fucking kick his ass. | ||
| Really, they're saying that. | ||
| They don't even know what they would do. | ||
| Do you have a plan? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to hit him? | ||
| He's going to run away. | ||
| You're going to knock him out with the first punch. | ||
| Like, what if he fucking dodges your punch and comes back with a counter and then shoots for a double? | ||
| Are you ready for that? | ||
| You have your sprawl ready? | ||
| Are you really ready to fight? | ||
| Do you really even know what that means? | ||
| No, most guys know. | ||
| So they're all chest puffy and talking all this shit. | ||
| It's very peacock feather shit. | ||
| Hoping to talk people down. | ||
| But people who train and actually fight, they don't have to do that. | ||
| They don't want to do that. | ||
| It's a different mentality. | ||
| The human animal is designed for conflict. | ||
| That is just a fact. | ||
| We have hardware from thousands of thousands of years ago where you had to fight off intruders and you had to kill your own food. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| And the hardware that we have today, despite the fact that our life is not like that anymore and we have this complicated society that it provides us with supermarkets and traffic and all this other things we have to deal with, the bottom line is that our body is still the same fucking body that has the same reward system set up. | ||
| So it has all these ghost needs, needs to crush things, needs to kill. | ||
| That's like a satisfaction that needs to breathe. | ||
| These are rewards that you get from killing animals when you kill an animal and eat it. | ||
| This primal reward that's designed to keep you alive. | ||
| It's very similar to the same reward that you get when you fuck and you have kids. | ||
| It feels good to fuck because that's a reward system set up to make sure you fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's all survival of the species. | ||
| We have this old-ass hardware, man. | ||
| There's no app for that. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And a lot of people have tension because they don't train, because they don't do martial arts, because they don't go and hit a punching bag. | ||
| And it doesn't mean you want to hurt people. | ||
| It doesn't mean you want to be. | ||
| It's just a release of that. | ||
| And that's a great release. | ||
| It's the same reason a lot of pedophilia and rapists, they all have that pent-up sexual energy. | ||
| They have old shit. | ||
| They don't act. | ||
| You shouldn't even think about martial arts in terms of hurting people. | ||
| When you're doing it in training, you're just playing a game. | ||
| And the game does hurt, but it's a game. | ||
| The game is you're trying to hit that person. | ||
| They're trying to hit you. | ||
| You try to get out of the way, encounter, give out the more, give out more punishment than you take, figure out a strategy that can get past them, figure out what they're doing again. | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| It's a game of using the human body in physical contact. | ||
| But it's a satisfying game, and it does wonders for your psyche. | ||
| It does wonders for your confidence. | ||
| Yeah, it does wonders for your relaxation. | ||
| Like, whenever I get upset about something, I'll freak out about things. | ||
| I go, man, I probably should have worked out before I dealt with that. | ||
| Like this whole thing the other day where I called this guy a faggot. | ||
| I guarantee you, if I had just worked out, I went to the gym before that happened, I would have been like, who gives a fuck about this dude? | ||
| But because I wasn't, I got all fucking amped up. | ||
| I just wanted to crush something. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You sure it's just that you're not tired from working out that? | ||
| That's a little bit of it, too. | ||
| That's what they always say in Taekwondo. | ||
| The Taekwondo guys are always, my instructor used to say it was Korean accent. | ||
| They're always the nicest guys because they always tired from kicking each other. | ||
| He thought that was funny. | ||
| That's a good Korean laugh. | ||
| You're always sore, too, man. | ||
| You're always sore. | ||
| Like my shins, we always have these big, giant knots on them and fucking big welts and they pop and bleed and you're always clashing shins and shit. | ||
| Think about that all day. | ||
| Smashing shins into each other. | ||
| Checking kicks. | ||
| Kicking people's elbows and shit and breaking your feet. | ||
| I broke my feet up at least twice on my left foot. | ||
| So annoying, man. | ||
| You break your foot. | ||
| You can't do shit for a long time, too. | ||
| And you don't even get it fixed. | ||
| They don't even do anything. | ||
| They just go, yeah, you got a broken foot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Something cracked. | ||
| And it just, I mean, unless it's like some compound, serious fractures that are going to require massive surgery. | ||
| They just go, yeah, heal up, dude. | ||
| You got to crack on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See you in two months. | ||
| He does a new character now called Sticky Fingers Gonzalez. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Sticky Fingers Gonzalez. | ||
| He loved that expression. | ||
| Sticky fingers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was in another context before the show. | |
| We're talking about that. | ||
| And it's so funny because the whole point of it is that somebody would go on stage, Whitney Cummings. | ||
| There's a video with Whitney Cummings doing her act. | ||
| And then next he comes up dressed up as sticky fingers and just does her whole act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're doing it at the naughty show. | |
| I go up after every comic and I do bastardize their jokes. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| No one's like, I wrote this a couple days ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do it with the Mexicans. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We got a poncho, sombrero, sunglasses. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fake mustache. | |
| Dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty funny. | |
| That's very funny, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's very funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very funny. | |
| You know, it's funny. | ||
| We used to do a thing back in Boston. | ||
| Shit, I forget what his name was. | ||
| Kevin Riley, I think, was the host. | ||
| Kevin, something, Kevin, shit. | ||
| Kevin Flynn. | ||
| Kevin Flynn was the host, a Boston comedian. | ||
| And he used to do this thing called Joe Biden Night. | ||
| Because back in 1988, a lot of people don't realize this because Joe Biden is our current vice president. | ||
| But Joe Biden ran for president. | ||
| And when he ran for president, they found out that he had plagiarized like a ton of his fucking speeches from Kennedy, from JFK. | ||
| He was repeating shit. | ||
| And nobody knows any of his speeches. | ||
| People were like, God damn, where I heard this before. | ||
| This guy's got a good writer, but fuck, you know, this is ringing a bell. | ||
| And so somebody went back and checked it, checked the transcript. | ||
| They had to check transcripts back then. | ||
| Right, imagine now. | ||
| You can't get away with shit now. | ||
| You can't get away with shit. | ||
| People still try. | ||
| That guy that Palin was supporting had plagiarized JFK, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So anyway, so we used to do Joe Biden night at the Stitches in Boston, where everybody would get up and do somebody else's act. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| That guy's the vice president now, and he was such a big joke in 1988 that we had a night at a comedy club dedicated to him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A while back, my buddy Brian Jarvis, a very friendly comedian, we were talking about doing a stand-up karaoke night where it's like you can pull other comics names out of a hat or something, and you have to try to plow through their fucking famous bits or whatever the fuck. | ||
| Who would you do if you had to do anybody? | ||
| Sheesh, boy, that's a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Mine is so easy. | ||
| Who's yours? | ||
| Joe Diaz. | ||
| Oh, dude, you had the best. | ||
| They had the best Diaz. | ||
| Dude, I was in Ann Arbor, Michigan last week, and people were calling out for Joe Diaz' impressions. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's a home run impression. | ||
| I was listening to the podcast before, and you were telling Joey Diaz stories, and you were talking about how you were in Jersey after Vegas, and then the phone rang, and you didn't know where the fuck he was. | ||
| He was like, I'm not going to lie to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm still in Vegas, cock soccer. | |
| I never left Vegas. | ||
| You know what's going to happen? | ||
| Pretty much, you're going to start doing 20 minutes of your act as Joey Diaz. | ||
| And then Joey Diaz is not going to have to do anything, leave the house anymore. | ||
| We'll just go on stage. | ||
| We'll wheel him out in one of those little scooters, and he can wave to the crowd, and I'll talk. | ||
| So when he has his first stroke, I'll just do a little bit more. | ||
| Dude, Diaz looks great. | ||
| He and I wear this gig. | ||
| He's just 100 pounds. | ||
| He's going to look incredible, man. | ||
| He's going to lease out his name, though, like Gallagher to you. | ||
| We're going to do a fucking cartoon, cocksucker. | ||
| That's what we're going to do. | ||
| A cartoon. | ||
| If we did a cartoon, I would just do his voice for the whole cartoon. | ||
| He wouldn't do anything but collect chats. | ||
| He wouldn't even have to do the voice. | ||
| He would have to do meetings. | ||
| Maybe he'd do tours. | ||
| This is Joey Coco Diaz's tour. | ||
| This is where I live. | ||
| This is where I feed my cats. | ||
| Radio promos. | ||
| We went down the street. | ||
| This fucking guy right here has got the best weed. | ||
| He'd just have ideas for the cartoon and shit. | ||
| He needs ringtones. | ||
| Oh, he's got the cat stone. | ||
| He should have everything. | ||
| Dude, he just has to have ringtones. | ||
| It's just like, rrrrrr. | ||
| Almost all of our friends. | ||
| Answer your phone, cocksucker. | ||
| Almost all of our friends have Joe Diaz as the outgoing message. | ||
| Like when you call Eddie, Eddie Bravo has the fucking best outgoing voicemail message ever. | ||
| Yeah, I had it going voicemail. | ||
| It's all Joey going fucking crazy. | ||
| Joey going crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My client, Eddie Bravo, is busy. | |
| He ain't got time for your bullshit and your questions. | ||
| And oh, I keep getting rounded and pounded. | ||
| Buy the fucking book. | ||
| Learn the rubber god. | ||
| Practice it. | ||
| Shove the book up your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But no more stupid fucking questions. | |
| Only text messages. | ||
| My favorite thing he does is when he does his girl voice or his gay voice where he suddenly just changes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I keep getting rounded and pounded. | |
| Dude, it's fucking. | ||
| Buy the book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shove the book up your ass. | |
| Dude, he's going insane. | ||
| I've heard the message. | ||
| I've called Eddie. | ||
| Eddie's had that message for like five years. | ||
| I've called it over and over and over again. | ||
| I still laugh every goddamn time I hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's when you know you've got a good one when people don't even want you to change it. | |
| Oh, please. | ||
| And meanwhile, Eddie is like a professional jiu-jitsu instructor, and he has people calling him up about business. | ||
| And this is the message that he has outgoing. | ||
| And that's how much he likes it. | ||
| He likes it so much. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I'm going to keep it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's right there on the title. | |
| Buy the book, shove it up in their ass. | ||
| And he was going crazy, red face, spit flying. | ||
| You could hear it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, he's about Diaz is one of those comics that it's like, no matter who you are, it's like following Diaz. | |
| You're just like, well, let me just roll up my sleeves. | ||
| I bring him everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bring him everywhere. | |
| It's the most fun. | ||
| It's the most fun because when I go on stage, the audience is already howling. | ||
| By the way, Joe Diaz and I are going to be doing a New Year show at Mandalay Bay. | ||
| And we just picked this up. | ||
| It's a big fucking place. | ||
| It's like 1,700 seats. | ||
| And so you're going to hear me talking about it some more. | ||
| If it gets annoying, it's just because I have to sell 1,700 tickets. | ||
| But it is the weekend of the UFC. | ||
| So the night before, it's New Year's, and then there's a UFC the next day. | ||
| So you're going to get hung over watching dudes get fucking pounded on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New Year's Day, there's a UFC? | |
| Yeah, there's New Year's Day on January 1st. | ||
| That's the Saturday, and New Year's Eve is a Friday night. | ||
| So it'll be me and Joe Diaz at some new theater thing that they got going on at Mandalay Bay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad. | |
| Yeah, it's going to be fun as bad. | ||
| It's going to be fun as fuck. | ||
| I'm trying to think of other shit we could do. | ||
| I was going to bring a DJ. | ||
| I was going to bring a DJ on stage because I heard that Russell Peters does that, and it's kind of fun. | ||
| And I was like, maybe that would be fun at the end of the night, have like a fucking cool DJ, but they don't want to do anything like that. | ||
| You have to clear the place out. | ||
| So I'm trying to think of what else. | ||
| You know, it's a New Year show. | ||
| We've got to think of something that makes it more interesting instead of just a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Videos. | |
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about I come on stage and fuck a flashlight? | |
| Or how about doing a live show? | ||
| Just fucking threw his head into the ring. | ||
| Hey, or do a live show. | ||
| Just putting it out there. | ||
| Do a live podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's a good idea. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, but the problem is Vegas is so fucking short attention span. | ||
| It's not really the place to do a podcast. | ||
| Because if we're all on stage just shooting shit about things, there's going to be people yelling. | ||
| It's going to be weird. | ||
| I mean, we maybe could do that. | ||
| Let's get MC Chris. | ||
| MC Chris. | ||
| But see, what I'm saying is if we maybe did that, then it would be hard to get up and do stand-up. | ||
| It would be hard to just go up and go and just start doing your act afterwards. | ||
| It would be weird. | ||
| Because you'd be like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a whole change of pay. | |
| It'd be a whole fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, it'd be like, all of a sudden, I'm in fucking performance mode. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Hey, you for news. | ||
| What about MC Chris? | ||
| What about him? | ||
| I wonder if he would do it. | ||
| He's your type of music. | ||
| He's a fun party, though. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure he is. | ||
| If I wanted music, though, I would want some rock and roll. | ||
| I'd want some crazy band. | ||
| I would like those 70s guys, Steel Panther. | ||
| I'd love them to do it, but I'm sure they've got their own gig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm sure they do. | |
| Those guys are angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They kill, dude. | |
| They've been killing for a long time. | ||
| That's a fun thing. | ||
| I think they have a television show in development now. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah, I think I heard that. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that that just came back with the thunder? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It used to be being, you know, like someone who was into that music was embarrassing. | ||
| Dude, everything does that, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything does that. | |
| I don't know if it used to happen that way. | ||
| I think this is a fairly new phenomenon. | ||
| That's why I'm going to wait till the word faggot comes back in. | ||
| I'm just going to hold on to it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not coming back. | ||
| The world's getting softer. | ||
| As life gets easier and easier, people come up with more things to be upset about. | ||
| I mean, if life is very, very hard, you don't waste your time on bullshit. | ||
| You don't think about bullshit if you've got a lot of shit going on in your life. | ||
| But when life gets easy and it's easy to get food and it's easy to get fat, and it's easy to be lazy, and it's easy to do a job that you don't really like and waste your time away, then you start looking for things to get mad at. | ||
| Then you start going, I don't like your tone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, and also, like, if I can bitch about you and what you're doing, it takes the light off of anything that I'm talking to. | ||
| Point your fingers, you know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're a piece of shit. | ||
| If I can make you look bad, you have no idea how bad I look. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing when you have a disagreement with someone and you say, hey, man, like, why are you, you know, you're doing this? | ||
| This is kind of fucking me up. | ||
| Yeah, but you always fucking do this with that. | ||
| What's up with that? | ||
| And you go, we're not even talking about that. | ||
| We're talking about you right now. | ||
| That's textbook. | ||
| Yeah, why are you going immediately to jumping, pointing the finger at me, trying to even the score? | ||
| Now, if you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk about it if you don't want to talk, obviously it's your fucking podcast. | ||
| But so what prompted you to just passively just be like, shut up, faggot or whatever the fuck happened? | ||
| I just talked about it. | ||
| I talked douchebags like that all the time with this guy in the end. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What's the whole thing? | ||
| I already sort of talked about it. | ||
| It's just a, this is what it's all about. | ||
| It's about negative mixed martial arts reporters. | ||
| There's a few of these guys that are trying to do this sort of Jim Rome thing where they're trying to like insult guys and say the most insulting shit possible. | ||
| That's like their whole shtick. | ||
| The problem is you're dealing with someone who's putting their emotions, their physical health, their future, and possibly the quality of their thinking on the line every time they step into that cage. | ||
| There's nothing more normal. | ||
| And these guys who are reporting on it are making a living off of these guys taking these chances and performing. | ||
| And you must respect that. | ||
| In my world, I think that is one of the most important things. | ||
| It's like, that's someone who's very vulnerable. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't seem like they are because of these destroyers and these killers. | ||
| That's a very vulnerable place to be. | ||
| And, you know, to be shitty and to be douchey to these guys and to do it anonymously, and do it as a person who doesn't know anything about martial arts. | ||
| And this is my problem. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
| And this guy is like the worst guy ever at it. | ||
| He's like his whole, all of his stuff he writes is like negative. | ||
| All of it is insane. | ||
| It's like the Perez Hilton of UFC. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And he's doing it his shtick. | ||
| Well, he picked on me. | ||
| And he picked on me about something. | ||
| He said that I was incorrect about a technique, which I was correct about. | ||
| So I just decided, you know what, I'm tired of this guy's bullshit. | ||
| So I just attack him. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So I just, you know, I called him a faggot, which probably negated in a lot of people's eyes all the positive things that I've said. | ||
| They're like, oh, he's a homie. | ||
| But dude, that's a good end. | ||
| But that's how I felt. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| And, you know, and look, you know, and people are like, what do you hate that guy? | ||
| Like, I don't hate anybody. | ||
| I just don't want him to behave that way. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| He might not be anything like that. | ||
| That Thomas Rios guy might be a nice guy, and that might be just what he's trying to do. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't hate him, but I hate that form of journalism. | ||
| It's a terrible thing. | ||
| It's wrong. | ||
| It's unfair. | ||
| It's putting out all this negative energy for no reason. | ||
| Yeah, sensationalism. | ||
| Yeah, and I have no problem with people critiquing people's technique. | ||
| Like if you say, you know, say if you're talking about a particular fighter, well, he never really developed outside of the one-dimensional wrestling type fighter. | ||
| He's never really developed a stand-up. | ||
| He just likes to take guys down and beat them. | ||
| If that's just a fact, that's just a fact. | ||
| But this is not what this guy's doing. | ||
| It's like insulting. | ||
| Like, he's saying really shitty, nasty things about people. | ||
| And then when they lose, like, he'll tweet them and say, like, see, I told you. | ||
| Like, he was. | ||
| That guy's just waiting to get his back taken out of Rouse. | ||
| Two heavyweights, Matt Mitrione and Joey Beltron. | ||
| All right, two cool motherfuckers, too, by the way. | ||
| Joey Beltron is the shit. | ||
| That guy is a cool dude. | ||
| He's like a really, really nice guy. | ||
| And he's a DJ in his spare time. | ||
| He does like bar mitzvahs and shit. | ||
| Okay, my man's out there grinding. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And this guy's just talking about how he's going to get fucked up and how he doesn't belong in the ring with his other guys. | ||
| And the way he said it was super douchey. | ||
| So Joey Beltron responds, and even how he responds to it is like, yeah, thanks a lot. | ||
| That's a lot of help or something along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Just kind of like that. | ||
| And then after he loses, this dude sends a tweet out that was something like, you know, apology accepted. | ||
| Because I was right. | ||
| You got your ass kicked. | ||
| It's like, man, you're just fucking with a vulnerable person, man. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| And also a vulnerable person that can kick your fucking ass. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like I said, there's nothing wrong with critiquing their technique or critiquing even their character, their behavior if they're acting in a certain way and they're acting douchey or something like that. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being honest. | ||
| But when you just start, everything is just attacking and negative. | ||
| There's no joy and praise. | ||
| Like, what are you even watching this shit for? | ||
| You know, you're not even, it doesn't even seem like you're enjoying it. | ||
| Well, he's just trying to make a name for it. | ||
| I mean, it's a great analogy you said of Jim Rome, but because do you remember when Jim Rome got famous? | ||
| Yes, for doing that. | ||
| Was when he was with Jim Everett, was a quarterback of the Rams. | ||
| And he had him on the show, and he kept calling him Chris for like his radio show. | ||
| And Jim came onto the show pissed off, and he's like, you know, I'm here to set this record straight. | ||
| You're going to quit doing that. | ||
| And he did it right in front of him. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, whatever, Chris. | ||
| And he's like, say it again. | ||
| And he waited for like three seconds and then he goes, Chris. | ||
| And fucking Everett flips the table over on him and like jumped on him. | ||
| And dude, he was famous ever since then. | ||
| This guy's just waiting for somebody to fucking throw one punch at him. | ||
| So he's all in the news. | ||
| First of all, you can't compare Jim Rome to an internet blogger. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what I'm saying, though. | ||
| But that's the best thing that can happen to this fucking asshole. | ||
| Well, it's not even a fucking shit. | ||
| I don't know if he's an asshole. | ||
| I'll take him back. | ||
| It's this thing where they're trying to just get attention only by just negative shit. | ||
| There's no joy for it. | ||
| And it can work for some guys. | ||
| Like it worked for Rome. | ||
| I mean, it can work for some guys. | ||
| But it's, you know, it's fucking shitty, man. | ||
| It's shitty. | ||
| And there's a big difference between a guy losing a basketball game, which sucks, and a guy getting his ass kicked. | ||
| Okay, I guarantee you, nobody has felt worse than Brock Lesnar after Kane Velasquez beat the fuck out of him. | ||
| Probably no one that's ever lived. | ||
| That's about as bad. | ||
| I mean, outside of losing a loved one, that's about as bad as you can feel. | ||
| Physically and emotionally. | ||
| Physically and emotionally. | ||
| Probably more so than that. | ||
| Yeah, it's as bad as being fired from a job you love. | ||
| I mean, he just got the fuck beat out of him and humiliated by a guy who's smaller than him, and he's this big, giant fucking Goliath of a man. | ||
| And a heavy favorite. | ||
| He was pretty heavy favorite, like three to one or something. | ||
| Yeah, you got to respect that, man. | ||
| You know, you got to appreciate the fact that this guy took this crazy fucking chance. | ||
| And yeah, he did it for money. | ||
| And yeah, you know, this is what he chose to do for a living. | ||
| That's absolutely true. | ||
| But no one feels that bad if they lose a basketball game. | ||
| You want to shit on basketball players? | ||
| It's really a different thing, man. | ||
| Right, totally. | ||
| Even then, you know, you shouldn't be doing that. | ||
| Critique their character, critique their technique, critique their ability to perform. | ||
| That's all well and good. | ||
| But we start just insulting people and just wanting them to feel like shit, you know, with your commentary. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Totally being inconsiderate of this person's feelings. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like everybody knows that guy. | ||
| Which, by the way, we've all been guilty as comics of doing that of someone. | ||
| I'm sure you've made fun of someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| But I mean, you know, that's a little bit different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, you can make it about people. | |
| I've said some mean shit. | ||
| I've said some mean shit in the past about people in the sake of comedy that I wouldn't say now. | ||
| You know, I just think about it different now. | ||
| You mean in stand-up you wouldn't say it now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like now I look at it and I go, what do I give a fuck about if that guy's doing this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I feel like a lot of that is like growth in your own act as an artist and stuff. | |
| Early on, you start, you know, that's something you probably do earlier than later when, you know, when you start getting better at stand-up and you start getting better at well, it's also you just consider why am I upset at this guy? | ||
| You know, I know it's just a Jerry Shiva joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or what's a chief joke or a chief shiv? | |
| I never had any Jerry Shivo jokes, but the Hugh Hefner joke. | ||
| I wouldn't do that one if I had a chance to do it today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's such a funny joke. | ||
| Because you're not really playing him, you're playing a character of him. | ||
| I would do it differently. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I would not do the Anna Nicole Smith one. | ||
| That one. | ||
| She doesn't get a pass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a few people that own it, though. | ||
| When you start fucking a billionaire, I'm okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
An old billionaire. | |
| An old billionaire. | ||
| Did she really get the money, though? | ||
| Whatever happened with that? | ||
| She kind of died before that all worked out. | ||
| Well, yeah, I think she died. | ||
| I think she overdosed before when all those litigation, like, her family was like, we're going to sue you to the end of time. | ||
| This thing killed her, bro. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| They're that rich. | ||
| They could have easily killed her. | ||
| That's Texas money, right? | ||
| That's Texas. | ||
| I mean, Texas assassins. | ||
| You could indirectly. | ||
| I mean, even if they didn't indirectly, they probably drove her to fucking, let's just keep this in the courts till she kills herself. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, she's, you know, like, she's that type anyway. | |
| I mean, obviously. | ||
| It's also weird that her son died, too. | ||
| I always found that weird. | ||
| Whoa, what if you find out this is like some crazy conspiracy? | ||
| It probably is. | ||
| I believe that more than Tower 7. | ||
| We should call Alex Jones up right now. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| We should call up Alex Jones right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Is that your Alex Jones impression? | ||
| Oh, no, that was Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He has like Joey Diaz Tourette's over here. | ||
| When is that video coming up? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| The one I'm doing now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the one where he was on the radio show? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Just lost it. | ||
| Greatest thing that's ever happened. | ||
| I'm editing a part right now that's pretty funny. | ||
| It has to do with censoring words where we went to a radio station and they wouldn't let Joe say the word retard, which we thought was. | ||
| But he could say everything else but? | ||
| No, you can't say everything else, but retard's a new one that you can say. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| People call it the R word now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the R word. | |
| I'm dead serious. | ||
| I've gotten tweets. | ||
| So faggot replaced the F word replaced the N-word, and now the R-word's replacing the F-word. | ||
| Yeah, I said something about MySpace that I went back and looked at my MySpace page, and I felt like it was an abandoned child that I left in a retarded forest. | ||
| That's what I wrote. | ||
| And people. | ||
| It starts raining down on you. | ||
| I got a bunch of tweets. | ||
| I can't believe you used the R word. | ||
| I'm not kidding, man. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| It's the fucking R word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, when I was a kid, oh, they said that in the tweet. | |
| The R word? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't believe you used the R word. | ||
| That's what my mom used to say to me if I did something wrong. | ||
| Don't be a retard. | ||
| Is it right? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Is there gay homosexuals? | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| You mean retarded homosexuals? | ||
| Like retarded faggots. | ||
| But you said gay homosexuals. | ||
| I said gay homosexuals. | ||
| I mean, handicap homosexuals. | ||
| You're too high talking right now. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| There's got to be. | ||
| There's got to be. | ||
| Handicapped gay people. | ||
| I'm sure there are. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Well, maybe, yeah, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guarantee it. | |
| It makes sense. | ||
| What a shit roll of the dice that is. | ||
| Yeah, I just wonder if it works then, right? | ||
| It just seems like that would be something that you would have to be 100% to know that you're gay. | ||
| I wonder if there's such a thing. | ||
| I got a definition of queer. | ||
| Some fella on the underground told me what queer is because, you know, one of the acronyms of lesbian, it's like LBG TQ. | ||
| Q stands for queer. | ||
| And queer means not particularly attracted to anything, attracted to whatever. | ||
| Like sometimes it'll be a different thing. | ||
| It's like bisexual. | ||
| Okay, well, how is that different than bisexual? | ||
| Right. | ||
| How is that different than bisexual? | ||
| No, that's. | ||
| It's the same thing, right? | ||
| It's just ignorant. | ||
| This is just showing you what a bunch of fucking pussies we are that somebody let them put that in. | ||
| That someone said, well, isn't bisexual enough? | ||
| Don't we have enough letters? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not represented. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm queer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not decisive. | |
| I'm not enough to be bisexual. | ||
| I'm not bisexual. | ||
| Meanwhile, most offensive gay voice ever. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| This is my gay voice from now on. | ||
| I'm going to do a gay voice like a businessman. | ||
| That's my gay voice from now on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or you should do like don't feel represented. | |
| Mind type is queer. | ||
| I like it in the butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, not always. | ||
| He likes it wherever he likes it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| In my mouth, sometimes up my ass. | ||
| It's like, what can I mean? | ||
| That's just someone just pushing it. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's pushing it. | ||
| You can't tell me that's different than bisexual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, people just want to label. | |
| People have to label you. | ||
| How could you call queer? | ||
| How is that different than bisexual? | ||
| There's no argument. | ||
| If that's the definition. | ||
| If that's the definition. | ||
| There's no difference. | ||
| I'm going basically, by the way, just off some dude on a message board. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's probably not the most reliable shit. | |
| I've heard himself. | ||
| But there's something about it, man. | ||
| I'm like, I think that might be correct, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It just sounded so good. | ||
| Because growing up, I always thought, and you know, this is just, I mean, I don't know where this came from in my head, but growing up for me, queer was always just like, you're just not quite straight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not totally gay, but you're not. | |
| You're definitely not. | ||
| I grew up queer in Boston was another version of faggots. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This game's queer. | ||
| This game's queer. | ||
| And there was no R. Queer. | ||
| That in Min May. | ||
| There's no R's in the Embostin May bloggers queer. | ||
| It was never like, look at these queers over here. | ||
| Like, if there was a bunch of gay guys, that would sound odd. | ||
| If there was a bunch of gay guys, it would be like, you know, a lot of guys would say faggots. | ||
| A lot of guys would say. | ||
| They wouldn't say queers. | ||
| Or fags. | ||
| Faggots wasn't big for me growing up. | ||
| That wasn't a big word. | ||
| Queer was, but faggots was kind of more like college. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's more. | ||
| Homos was a big one, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Homos got that. | ||
| But even that was like the same thing. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I mean, there's really no argument that it's not like a desensitizing sort of an attitude to use all these different gay slurs. | ||
| There's really no argument. | ||
| But why are they so fun to use? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| It's because of what you said earlier. | ||
| It's like when you're growing up as a kid, it's just fun. | ||
| You forbid me saying it. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| It's taboo. | ||
| So then it becomes a part of your vernacular. | ||
| It becomes a part of your vernacular. | ||
| So, you know, as an adult, it's just like ingrained in you to be like, throw it out there because it has that edge to it. | ||
| It's got an extra notch. | ||
| It's got an extra notch that fuck. | ||
| Like, cunt has an extra notch. | ||
| That's why I like using cunt. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| One of my favorite words, yep. | ||
| You dumb cunt. | ||
| Tuck me out, bro. | ||
| That's all calling you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bottom of the barrel, dude, cunt. | |
| You call somebody a dumb cunt. | ||
| The look is great. | ||
| I've had to shut her up. | ||
| Say, unfollow. | ||
| I cannot believe you use such derogatory language towards women. | ||
| Meanwhile, I was talking about a dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was talking about a dude. | |
| And I had people unfollow me because I use the word cunt. | ||
| But I use the word cunt at least once a week just to weed out the bitches. | ||
| Anybody's on my Twitter and you can't handle cunt? | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get. | |
| Get. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because people assume that most people, you know, Twitter, if they're in the public eye, it's not going to really represent how they actually talk. | ||
| Most people. | ||
| They give you some, like, when was the last time Ashton Kutcher said cunt in his Twitter? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| You hang out with Ashton Kutcher and you have a couple drinks and smoke a joint with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to cunt that. | |
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You know, he's going to talk about this dumb cunt. | ||
| I mean, not everybody does, man. | ||
| And all the queers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He probably says queer a lot. | |
| It's fun. | ||
| These queer cunts. | ||
| I mean, I think the women that get upset at that, women get upset at using the word cunt. | ||
| Those are extra cunty. | ||
| Those women are brutal. | ||
| That's who I'm talking about. | ||
| They're brutal. | ||
| They must be brutal. | ||
| Do you care? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a chick that likes to be called a cunt in a sack and not especially when you're talking about one particular chick. | |
| You're talking about a particular chick. | ||
| You can't call a particular one a cunt. | ||
| That degrades the entire population of humans with vaginas. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It's like me being upset if you call some guy a douchebag or call some guy a dick. | ||
| What guy would stand up and go, I can't believe you're talking that way about men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About all dudes. | |
| No guy would nobody, nobody. | ||
| It's like that fucking. | ||
| How dare you talk about men like that? | ||
| That weak ass thing that some people will say to you, like, oh, you hate women. | ||
| You know, Brian Posain and I had this argument too. | ||
| I mean, not argument, rather. | ||
| I love Brian. | ||
| I had this discussion. | ||
| He was having an argument with some female comic. | ||
| And he goes, and as soon as the argument got ugly, she goes, I think you hate women. | ||
| And he goes, that's really funny because everyone that's ever said that to me, I hate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Well, I think that's just a weapon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weak. | |
| Very specific woman uses that weapon. | ||
| It's a political correct weapon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when I've been backed into a corner. | |
| I'm going to throw that out there just because it's so tap. | ||
| You know, it's like, oh, no, I don't want you to think that about me. | ||
| No, it's like, I hate your type of woman. | ||
| That's what I hate. | ||
| It's a bitch thing to say. | ||
| It's a weak ass, you know, like a fake magic spell. | ||
| You hate women. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Because you're annoying. | ||
| Like, all women are you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly, right? | |
| Everyone is the same. | ||
| Every single fucking woman on the planet is exactly the same. | ||
| There's no variation. | ||
| I have hate for all of you just because you're annoying. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's so weak. | ||
| And they just try to get it. | ||
| That's the same thing as what's going on with this whole faggot comment. | ||
| No, I disagree. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Well, first of all, by I hate women, all they're trying to do is put you on your heel. | ||
| They're trying to make you feel like there's something wrong with you. | ||
| They called you on it. | ||
| You hate women. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| And they'll stick with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and you don't even know. | ||
| No, I don't hate women. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| You hate women. | ||
| I see what you're doing. | ||
| You hate women. | ||
| That you hate women thing. | ||
| That's them being weak. | ||
| That's all that is. | ||
| That's trying to look for some reason why you're wrong. | ||
| Some reason why you're bad. | ||
| Some giant blanket statement to label you. | ||
| But someone's saying, Faggot, I mean, that legitimately is a slur for homosexuals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| You know, even if you don't use it that way, and I don't use it that way. | ||
| And even if Brian calls me up and like, what's up, Faggot? | ||
| And I'm like, how dare you? | ||
| Are we going to go eat? | ||
| You know, it's like, that's how we talk. | ||
| It's not a slur at all by then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the term of endearment is actually the opposite. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| There's too many meanings, too confusing to some people. | ||
| But that's totally different than you hate women. | ||
| Someone's saying that. | ||
| That's just the ultimate stupid Trump card. | ||
| It's like, I called it. | ||
| I called it. | ||
| You hate women. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's like no dude ever says that fucking chick, she hates men. | ||
| Or if they do, if they're guys who can't get laid, that does happen. | ||
| Where dudes are fucking lesbians. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| Oh, that's just, those guys are just tater dudes. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It was a buddy that I... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's just, chick was a bitch. | ||
| There's a dude that I'm like. | ||
| No, it wasn't the way you were acting, you dumbass. | ||
| It's because she was a bitch, right? | ||
| There's a dude that I used to hang out with a long time ago, and he used to always do that. | ||
| He was brutal. | ||
| First of all, he would hit on anything, and the girls didn't want to have anything to do with him. | ||
| Fucking lesbians. | ||
| Like, literally, fucking lesbians. | ||
| He'd be angry and look down and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Meanwhile, she's leaving with another dude. | ||
| Hey, let me ask you this, man. | ||
| Your mom was gay. | ||
| What was it like in high school and junior high when dudes would make lesbo jokes? | ||
| Does it bother me too much? | ||
| I have like a joke in my stand-up that, you know, two chicks making out is the hottest thing in the world until it's your mom. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Dude, then it's just, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's like no true, right? | ||
| Oh my God, that must be so true. | ||
| That must be so weird. | ||
| So it's like, dude, like growing up, or like, especially in college time, you know, when girls start getting really like sexual and stuff like that, I would always wind up dating girls would always want to be like, you know, I made out with a couple chicks before, like, trying to like, like, that would matter to me. | ||
| But it's like, I grew up with that being no big deal. | ||
| Like, chick on chick porn does nothing for me, bro. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost in a weird way, it has the fucking weird, like, I can't watch anything. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like, okay, please let a dude. | ||
| I hope the dude walks in the room soon. | ||
| The black guy, anyone. | ||
| Chinese guy. | ||
| That fucking ninja. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm about to throw in an animal. | ||
| Anything with a dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly, Bob. | ||
| Somebody with a boner, please walk in the room. | ||
| Was it common knowledge amongst all your friends? | ||
| Some of them, yeah, some of them know. | ||
| But like I said, like, I grew up in the Midwest, and it was very taboo. | ||
| And it's like, dude, what city? | ||
| What part of the Midwest? | ||
| Northwest Indiana, right on Lake Michigan, Michigan City, like 20 minutes outside Chicago. | ||
| You know, we did a show in Indiana, in Indianapolis, Naptown. | ||
| They booed John Cougar Mellencamp. | ||
| Wow, why is that? | ||
| He lives right there. | ||
| Because he's a liberal, dude. | ||
| Can you believe that, dude? | ||
| I booed him. | ||
| I can fucking tell you. | ||
| They put his big ass fucking head on that screen, that giant screen. | ||
| That's strange. | ||
| He probably said something about deer hunters or something. | ||
| Dude, it's hardcore. | ||
| I mean, you really don't, like, that whole area of the country. | ||
| I mean, I have nothing totally against it other than it is exactly what you think it would be. | ||
| So really, we did this whole, like, their roommates fucking cover-up, you know what I mean? | ||
| And just let the dummy think shit. | ||
| I grew up with a buddy that had an obviously gay mother. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And we were like, man, you sure your mom's not gay? | ||
| No, my mom's not gay. | ||
| Would like fucking deny it to the death. | ||
| Meanwhile, his mom had short hair, okay? | ||
| And she lived with this woman who was 250 pounds who would wear a vest, sleeveless vest, right? | ||
| With a sleeveless shirt underneath it. | ||
| Changing the oil in the car in the driveway. | ||
| Yeah, and she had these big, sloppy, like truck driver man arms. | ||
| I thought you're going to shoot it. | ||
| She was horrific. | ||
| She was a big, giant man thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And she lived with this guy's mom, with my friend Josh's mom. | ||
| And I was like, dude, what's up, man? | ||
| Your mom's gay. | ||
| No, my mom's not gay. | ||
| I go, I don't care. | ||
| I don't care if your mom's gay, but you got to tell me that your mom's gay. | ||
| Because otherwise, this is a crazy. | ||
| We're never going to be honest about anything. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Like if I know something, it's like, you know, it's like. | ||
| If you're going to lie about what's obvious, you're going to lie about everything. | ||
| You're kicking up in my sandcastle. | ||
| I'm showing up at school every day with a dress on. | ||
| Do you believe I'm a girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would say, you're a dude with a dress. | ||
| The fuck, man. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| No, I am a girl. | ||
| Come on, let's hang out. | ||
| No, we can't hang out anymore because now you're talking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Your mom's gay. | ||
| So it was like when we were like fucking 15, if I was like, yeah, I'm a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, growing up, that was sort of a. | |
| You know, my sister was, my sister was very, like, would just talk about it all the time, very open with all her friends about it. | ||
| I just kind of just like never said shit. | ||
| If anybody would ask me about it, my buddies would talk about it. | ||
| You know, we would talk about it. | ||
| It was really no big deal. | ||
| But it's just like one of those things where, especially when I was younger, I mean, dude, that's like back then, like 81-ish, 80, fucking Midwest. | ||
| That's like wake up with a burning cross in your yard kind of shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| For real. | ||
| I knew a dude when I was 13. | ||
| I was 13. | ||
| I was 14. | ||
| I was 14. | ||
| He was a gay hustler. | ||
| He was a friend of a friend of mine's. | ||
| And they would do drugs together. | ||
| This guy had like a real Coke thing. | ||
| And I think this guy got him the stuff. | ||
| And we were all hanging out one night. | ||
| And I was like, what does that guy do? | ||
| He was like a little older than us. | ||
| He was like 17. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, he makes money just doing a lot of shit that he shouldn't be doing. | ||
| This is my friend Jimmy, who used to talk like in code like that. | ||
| He was like a real blue-collar construction guy. | ||
| Yeah, everything's very vague. | ||
| So eventually I found out that this guy was like, he used to, but he doesn't do it anymore. | ||
| Apparently he's done with it. | ||
| He was like a gay hustler. | ||
| What exactly is a gay hustler doing? | ||
| A gay hustler is like you go out with rich dudes and suck their dicks. | ||
| Right, and they give you money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you hang out with them. | ||
| You know, you hang out with them like for the night and you look like you're partying. | ||
| You're like a party boy and you go from one place to another and that's how you make your living. | ||
| That's what this dude was doing. | ||
| And he wasn't gay apparently. | ||
| He just, yeah, he had a problem with drugs back then. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| That sucks a lot of dicks. | ||
| It was the strangest fucking thing. | ||
| I guess I was 15 at the time. | ||
| I might have even been 16 now that I think about it. | ||
| And that's Boston? | ||
| That's when you're in Boston. | ||
| He's driving, yeah. | ||
| So he might have been a bit older now that I think about it because I think I was driving at the time. | ||
| So I must have been 16. | ||
| But it was a bit of a drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's some eye-opening shit right there when you're like, God damn. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You get to see a lot of shitty choices. | ||
| You know, that's one thing about growing up. | ||
| You get to see a lot of shitty choices. | ||
| Like, I was talking about this in the podcast: that I never did Coke because my friend Jimmy, his cousin, was selling it. | ||
| And his cousin never left the attic. | ||
| Him and his girlfriend, just had an apartment in the attic Coke and fucking hid from the world. | ||
| And he lost like 15 pounds, and they just looked pale as fuck. | ||
| They always looked like death. | ||
| And I was like, this dude is like disappearing to this drug. | ||
| Like, this is nuts. | ||
| So I thought, okay, that shit's off the menu. | ||
| Any drug where your teeth start falling out? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like heroin, crack, Coke. | ||
| It's like grinding. | ||
| I draw the line where your teeth start falling out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's something that's bad when like you see somebody, they just don't have teeth. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Have you ever slept next to somebody that just ground their teeth at night? | ||
| Like really bad. | ||
| It sounded like marbles crashing in their mouth. | ||
| That's stress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's some TMJ too. | |
| There's a weird disease or something. | ||
| My dentist says I don't grind my teeth, but I'm a clincher. | ||
| I'm just always tight, tight. | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're thinking about taking the ass and you're prepping. | ||
| You're ripping. | ||
| You're biting it out. | ||
| All your dreams are about you taking the ass. | ||
| It's probably big black dicks, too. | ||
| That's what it probably is. | ||
| Well, it's weird because when I did Salvia, that seemed like that's what I was doing. | ||
| It's a pillow biting thing going on. | ||
| That's what it is, man. | ||
| Pillow biting. | ||
| You're thinking about, you got a mouthful of pillow. | ||
| Is it chopping down? | ||
| Are you calling me a faggot? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you faggot at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't even use that word. | |
| You're putting words in my mouth. | ||
| That was an obligatory black dick reference. | ||
| There's a thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brought to you by fleshlight. | |
| There's a thing on the Rogan board where they're like, how many times will Joe bring up black dicks this podcast? | ||
| I'm a juvenile motherfucker, man. | ||
| I think we're at four so far. | ||
| I'm not stopping either. | ||
| I'm 43 years old. | ||
| I still have a wall of chain. | ||
| I wear a backwards baseball hat. | ||
| I'm a child. | ||
| I'm a juvenile old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
43 going on, 17. | |
| Eternally? | ||
| I don't have to grow up any more than this. | ||
| It's like, why? | ||
| Just because my body's aging, I'm supposed to change. | ||
| This is the stuff that I like. | ||
| I mean, I've evolved, but the shit I like, I still like. | ||
| And dicks in the ass is always funny. | ||
| Joe Diaz walked up in the Alex Jones studio. | ||
| This is one of the things that's in the video, and I've talked about this, but it was so good. | ||
| I had to talk about it again. | ||
| He gets up. | ||
| He's talking about smuggling weed under his balls, and Alex is going crazy. | ||
| And this is how he gets up. | ||
| I'm in the middle of crying, laughing, because he's describing his ball. | ||
| This is my left ball is bigger than my right ball because I'm right-handed. | ||
| I thought I had cancer for a couple of weeks. | ||
| Anyway, that weed's under my balls, and it's stinking. | ||
| And Alex Jones is going, no, no. | ||
| He's going, yes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, he's saying no, like, quit talking about this stuff. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's talking about smuggling weed under his balls on the Alex Jones show, which is like, he has like Ron Paul on his show, and like a lot of like serious presidential candidates and Tea Party people. | ||
| They go on the Alex Jones show. | ||
| And Joey Diaz is talking about smuggling weed under his balls. | ||
| And then when he's done, he stands up and he's got this thing going on with his fingers. | ||
| And he goes, Joe Diaz, Facebook, Twitter, check yourself before you wreck yourself. | ||
| Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. | ||
| And then he just walks out. | ||
| And then he goes, stay black, because that's the most important thing. | ||
| And he gets up and walks out of the studio and leaves me crying, beat red in the face. | ||
| I can't catch my breath. | ||
| I'm crying, laughing, and Alex Jones going, he's Satan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's Satan. | |
| He's the devil. | ||
| The poor fuck. | ||
| It was one of the greatest. | ||
| But, you know, that's what makes me laugh, man. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I am a very deep thinker. | ||
| I mean, what does that mean? | ||
| That sounds like something I'm trying to get laid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deep thinker, very deep, deep thoughts. | |
| I think a lot about a lot of shit that's not juvenile. | ||
| I think a lot about space and about scientific discoveries and then what is life and what is this all about and the big philosophical questions. | ||
| I think a lot about all that stuff. | ||
| But when it comes to laughing, like silly laughter, I like my shit dumb. | ||
| I like a lot of shit dumb. | ||
| I like some clever. | ||
| I like clever thrown in there with it. | ||
| Like I laugh in my own act. | ||
| I love to have clever stuff. | ||
| I love to have like really well-crafted piece that's weird and strange and then mix it in with some just silly ass dick jokes. | ||
| Yeah, right, right. | ||
| I mean, just like eight premises in my act where a dude somehow or another wounds up blowing some guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's just, that's what I think is funny. | ||
| I'm just a child. | ||
| I'm fucking so juvenile when it comes to my sense of humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I think everybody is. | ||
| I mean, everybody has like, you know, you learn to laugh. | ||
| It's this weird hiccup that only like humans, the human animal has from being surprised. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really is. | |
| It works a lot like magic. | ||
| Like magic, you suspend disbelief. | ||
| And like when you're doing stand-up or even just joke telling, it's like people think they know where you're going to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Their brain's constantly trying to be ahead of you. | |
| And when you flip it on them, it creates this weird hiccup that the only human, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's very old. | |
| I mean, it's old. | ||
| You know, you can scare babies. | ||
| When you scare babies at that age, they hit a certain age where laughter becomes, you know, in their life. | ||
| And when you like, you can startle a baby and they'll actually laugh. | ||
| But that's only one type of laughter. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz, you know exactly what's coming. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| There's no tricks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's not like, no, but that's. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| And I'm like, grandma, please. | ||
| But don't bump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you thought it was going to be a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but I'm just like grandma. | |
| I tricked you again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no, that's exactly. | |
| I'm totally agreeing with you where it's just like there's something about that other kind of laughter where it's like you're laughing at it just because it's just, you know, it's just funny the way that the person is just a cartoon. | ||
| He's so cartoony. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I love listening to him talk. | ||
| There's a bunch of different ways for things to be funny or reasons why things are funny. | ||
| You know, the most important thing is find the most. | ||
| Find the most things. | ||
| Like ironic things are funny. | ||
| Like movies, like unintentional comedies, like Grizzly Man. | ||
| We were talking about that before the show. | ||
| How funny Grizzlyman is. | ||
| How funny R. Kelly is. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| But it's a different kind of funny. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Like, oh my God, he's serious funny. | ||
| It's like, I can't believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| I mean, there's a bunch of different kinds of funny, but that's the key. | ||
| If you want to be a happy person, have as many of those in the mix as possible. | ||
| And this is one of the big problems I have with all these alternative comedy guys. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that they become like sort of comedy snobs. | ||
| Yeah, I can't stand it. | ||
| What they're doing is they're upset of anybody who talks about sex. | ||
| Like, I know this one guy who got upset at a friend of ours because he talks about sex a lot. | ||
| And he's like, man, you're better than that. | ||
| Like, why are you resorting to cheap jokes? | ||
| Like, look, man, this guy is a sexual deviant. | ||
| This is what he thinks about all the time. | ||
| Like, can't he just talk about sex? | ||
| And, you know, like, what do you care? | ||
| It's like, there's a lot of people that don't allow certain things to be funny because they feel like it's beneath them. | ||
| And it's such a subjective thing. | ||
| Like, that's, it's funny that you mentioned, I was talking about this earlier with, it might even be the same person we're talking about right here, but, you know, it's such a subjective thing. | ||
| Like, there's always all these comedy, San Francisco comedy competition and shit. | ||
| It's like, how can you beat it? | ||
| like judge clever comedy. | ||
| Yeah, it's like Joey Diaz will never win one of those. | ||
| But yeah, I don't know how. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, how do you judge something that is so opinion-based? | ||
| Like everybody, you know, you might find this funny or that funny. | ||
| And that alternative comedy scene where they are so judgmental. | ||
| And that's such a, it's a county defense. | ||
| It's a defense mechanism. | ||
| Like a lot of those people can't, they don't, they, they're, you know, ostracized by clubs or they can't get into the regular clubs, regular scene. | ||
| And they develop this clicky little circuit where they just look down on everybody. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I was there for the beginning of that alternative comedy scene. | ||
| I remember it very well. | ||
| Well, no, no, no. | ||
| I bet you don't because I was there in Cambridge, Massachusetts at the Catcherising Star when I really started. | ||
| I thought they meant out here in the middle. | ||
| It was really David Cross. | ||
| David Cross started it all off. | ||
| But what he was doing is very different than what's going on now. | ||
| What's going on now is a lot of people are really basically doing standard stand-up. | ||
| It's just they're doing stand-up where they don't exert a lot of energy and they try to be like a certain, they're trying to have a certain amount of clever words tossed into their comedy. | ||
| Secure reference to it. | ||
| They try to have really well-written stuff that they try to impress comedy geeks with. | ||
| People who like comedy. | ||
| What Cross was doing, he did a lot of weird shit, man. | ||
| He was taking a lot of chances. | ||
| Some of it didn't work, but I always appreciated that he was doing it. | ||
| It was always really interesting to me. | ||
| I remember one time I went to catch and I was waiting to go on stage and he was doing this crazy thing when I walked in the room where he was just had an exercise video. | ||
| Not an video, rather, an audio tape that was telling him how to stretch out. | ||
| And he was like doing it and commenting like, wow, it really does feel like it's stretching me out. | ||
| It was so strange. | ||
| That didn't know what to do. | ||
| They didn't know whether they should laugh. | ||
| They didn't know whether they should cough me. | ||
| It was, but he was like really committed to it. | ||
| And the way he was behaving was like the crowd should be like on the same wavelength as him. | ||
| Like, wow, this is really stretching me out. | ||
| Like, it was like this weird sort of performance art thing that he was doing. | ||
| And it didn't really work that good, but I remember thinking like, wow, this guy's like doing some interesting shit. | ||
| It makes you think like, I'm doing like kind of cut and dry, like standard stand-up. | ||
| Like, maybe what I'm doing is not as interesting as what this guy's doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or it makes you see how broad the actual spectrum is of what you can get away with, what you can say, how you can make anything funny versus like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was fucking around. | ||
| He was experimenting. | ||
| But that was, that was, in my opinion, that's real true alternative stand-up. | ||
| He's like trying a bunch of different things. | ||
| That was just one example, but he was very creative. | ||
| He did a lot of different things like that. | ||
| But what I see a lot of people calling alternative stand-up is like stand-up comedy that you would expect from someone who's into alternative music. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's almost like they've decided to see the same clothes into comedy. | ||
| It's like wear this outfit and now you're a comedian. | ||
| And do what you think those guys would appreciate. | ||
| They were too hip for the room. | ||
| But that's exactly what it has become. | ||
| It's not saying that's what it is. | ||
| Because I think it originally started as sort of like a counterculture thing to the stand-up comedy boom of the 80s and even early 90s. | ||
| And then you got this spin-off thing with Cross and Odenkirk and all those kind of guys, which were kind of doing the counter, the stuff you couldn't get away with doing clubs, which is not such shiny materials, longer premises, talking about shit. | ||
| Even a little more political. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Big in San Francisco, like Austin, places like that. | ||
| And what happens is it just got watered down. | ||
| You got all these people that are like, I want to be like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they just start, it became a cookie-cutter situation. | |
| You're so right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And now you're not getting really true alternative comedians. | ||
| You're getting fans of true alternative comics doing like material. | ||
| And I think it's caused sort of a, I don't know, I think it's going to cause more of like a pushback to like, you know, traditional. | ||
| If there is a lot of them are doing traditional stand-up. | ||
| That's exactly because it's different. | ||
| They're doing stand-up. | ||
| They're just doing premises that they think an alternative guy or gal. | ||
| It's like if it's a pillow fight, all the feathers are out of that pillow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| And a bunch of people are just swinging empty pillowcases. | ||
| It's like, you're not going to, you know. | ||
| It's like they're putting on an act. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That's the act. | ||
| Yeah, and it's just because that thing, you know, it's an oversaturated, it's an oversaturated style. | ||
| But there is a good argument, though, for having a place where that kind of comedy gets a chance to grow. | ||
| I think it's a necessity. | ||
| It's experimental comedy. | ||
| I totally agree. | ||
| Call it alternative is like a good move to figure out. | ||
| I mean, there's got to be some... | ||
| It's like no one just goes see music. | ||
| You know, like what kind of music is this? | ||
| Is it rock and roll? | ||
| Is it country? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's like what we deal with is like symphony and rock and roll are all lumped in together as one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's what gets on before you really makes a big difference. | ||
| If Joe Diaz goes on before you and just starts talking about, you know, pulling turds out of some girl's butthole, stuffing his nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Getting two points on his weight watches for eating a girl's ass. | |
| I'm eating her ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two points. | |
| I'm licking a monkey from behind. | ||
| I'm sticking my nose on her asshole. | ||
| I'm doing the pigeon. | ||
| He goes, that's a chicken, but what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I mean, if he's doing that and then you want to go do that stretching video, people are going to throw glasses at you. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You can't do the two of them on the same stage. | ||
| That doesn't mean there's some people that might not want to see that weird thing. | ||
| And maybe they're not into like overtly, ridiculously sexual juvenile material. | ||
| And it's like, it's a taste issue. | ||
| Right, and that's why I was saying it's the same reason that like these comedy competition things are bullshit because you can't, how can you, you know, it's like such a fucking opinion-based thing of what's funny and what do I like. | ||
| And it's your own personal taste. | ||
| So who's going to be like, that guy's the winner right there, Joey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| It's like whoever. | ||
| Music's the same way, though. | ||
| I mean, if you really think about it, people who judge like Rolling Stone, they say this CD is like five stars when, you know, to another person, that CD is the best fucking CD in the whole entire life. | ||
| Yeah, but what you don't have is like, you know, the Rolling Stones having to, you know, schlep all their gear up to Seattle to just like, you know, compete against every other new band to be able to put on their resume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I won the Seattle band competition or whatever, if you're interested. | |
| Yeah, for a comic, though, that does mean something. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| You're like at a club and it says on the marquee, you know, Jason T-Ball, winner of the Seattle Comedy Competition. | ||
| Band. | ||
| Yeah, I know a lot of good people. | ||
| I mean, that was very, like, it really helped when Al Magical won the San Francisco comedy competition. | ||
| It really launched him into a lot. | ||
| I mean, very good friend of mine. | ||
| I know he's a good buddy of yours. | ||
| You know, that was very, you know, that launch, you know, because it matters to industry. | ||
| I worked with Al Magical. | ||
| We worked together at the Old Cobbs. | ||
| The Old Cobbs was this tiny room. | ||
| It was like 150 seats. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| San Francisco is a great place to go. | ||
| The Old Cobbs was the shit, dude. | ||
| It was like one of the smaller rooms in the country, and it was so good. | ||
| There was a bigger place that I was working at, and I'd rather work at the small place. | ||
| It was like so cool. | ||
| But then somehow or another, it caught on fire or some shit, and they moved out. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| They moved out and they moved to, they might have just moved out. | ||
| I might have made up a fire part. | ||
| Or the fire part might have happened after them. | ||
| It might have been the new company that took over because it became the green room afterwards. | ||
| But then they opened up Cobbs, the new Cobbs, which is, it's way better because more people can get to see it. | ||
| It's a way bigger crowd. | ||
| But it doesn't have that like personal kind of like, you know. | ||
| There's something about being in a room of like 200 people. | ||
| You know, like when you're in the OR at the comedy store and it's packed, it's like maybe 190 or something. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Seat, something like that. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| It's less than 200. | ||
| That shit is magic, man. | ||
| When you get a tight-packed group of people like that and it's a low ceiling and it's a dark room. | ||
| buddies in there. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's surrounded. | ||
| Did you ever used to do that gig? | ||
| It was okay, but Dublins had that bar where always people would be talking. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, where it was just like a wall of people around you. | ||
| That was the best. | ||
| I used to love doing Dublins. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of arguments at Dublin's about stealing material. | ||
| I remember a lot of that. | ||
| I remember like, I got to get the fuck away from here. | ||
| A lot of people didn't like working there. | ||
| That place got closed down for noise ordinance reasons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, that's why all the people, all the houses right up in the hill. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, that's why they closed that and they wind up having to sell it or something. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now I don't even know it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now it's like one of those douchebaggy clubs, like nightclub bullshits that are all over the place. | |
| There's a lot of those, man. | ||
| That is one of the, you know, as you get older, you know, the whole club scene, like, where's the cool club to go to? | ||
| Let's go to the VIP. | ||
| And like, that is, like, one of the douchiest things. | ||
| Dude, I never got into that shit. | ||
| In my heyday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anybody, man. | |
| In my heyday. | ||
| You can't hear shit. | ||
| You can't talk to you. | ||
| It's one thing if you. | ||
| A lot of those people I wouldn't even want to talk to. | ||
| It ain't bad. | ||
| Like, remember when you and me and Doug Benson and who else was with us? | ||
| Eddie? | ||
| We went to Skybar? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'll get it Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, we went to the had the dance off. | ||
| Yeah, where was that? | ||
| It was in one of the clubs in Vegas. | ||
| But who else was it? | ||
| It was you, me. | ||
| I know it was one of the comic. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it was Doug Benson and Ari. | ||
| Was Ari there? | ||
| Oddly. | ||
| I think it was Ari. | ||
| Maybe it was Ari. | ||
| Anyway, it was like six of us and Eddie and Tripoli. | ||
| Tripoli. | ||
| Tripoli. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And Eddie and Eddie's girlfriend and a couple other people that we knew. | ||
| And we just had a bunch of drinks and we were dancing and being silly and making videos with each other. | ||
| And that was fun. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| But we were all together. | ||
| Otherwise, you can hear a fucking thing anybody's saying. | ||
| I got to take a piss. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And you have these weirdo conversations where you're talking in the guy's ear directly and you never know who gets to talk. | ||
| So you'll turn at the wrong time. | ||
| And sometimes you come really close to kissing because you're so close. | ||
| You're like, no, no, no. | ||
| I told him it's cool. | ||
| He's not mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure? | |
| Dude, you're almost fucking kissed. | ||
| You're like, you meet in the middle and you're like, I mean, touch noses and shit. | ||
| That happens on the ear all the time, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's accidentally hit the ears. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like hot drinks are like $14 for a, you have like four drinks and fucking tea body. | |
| Your breath smells like shit. | ||
| If you've had two drinks, your breath smells like shit, period. | ||
| Because you're drinking poison and your body's producing all these weird acids going, what is all this motherfucker's drinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| How much food do we have in here to sop this shit up? | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| This fucking thing. | ||
| Those clubs are only good. | ||
| If you're on ecstasy in those clubs, that's where it's at. | ||
| Because you can't hear, you can only see, you just start. | ||
| Yeah, those places are built for drugs. | ||
| It wasn't bad because we were super baked. | ||
| We were super duper baked. | ||
| Right, and you're all together. | ||
| It's like you're with all your buddies. | ||
| You're not just like, like, the worst on clubs like that is like you and your buddy go to a joint like that trying to pick up on chicks or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just the fucking dude. | |
| Dude, it was a nightmare when I was like, you know, in my 20s or early 30s. | ||
| Like, I thought of doing it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, fuck. | |
| That's where that culture of man-hating comes from. | ||
| It comes from men trying and trying and trying to get women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just hating shit. | |
| It's also trying to get women and failing. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Trying and failing, trying and failing, and then developing a resentment. | ||
| Like my friend I used to call girls lesbians. | ||
| He was really just an unattractive dude. | ||
| And he really had a hard time getting girls. | ||
| And so he was constantly getting this negative feeling. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he developed this. | ||
| And it's because you don't even get to see your personality. | ||
| Nobody's even getting to know anybody. | ||
| You can't even talk to each other. | ||
| It's purely like lust, animal noise and moving to vibrations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And then alcohol for shitty decision making. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then grinding against your dick. | ||
| So your dick starts getting hard. | ||
| Now all your thinking's out the window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's purely caveman monkey shit right there. | ||
| It turns into like just your DNA just starts acting up. | ||
| It's the dumbest shit ever. | ||
| Did you see that shit that they closed down at LAX? | ||
| They closed down one of the terminals last night for like a few hours because this woman started like fell down on the ground and they had to call the ambulances and stuff. | ||
| And she ate a pot cookie and she blacked out? | ||
| Yeah, she blacked out or did something or accidentally ate one or two. | ||
| No, no, she did eat one. | ||
| These rookies are going to fuck it up for everybody. | ||
| But they love pissing that up in the media too. | ||
| Particularly because of this. | ||
| You know, busiest travel day ever, though. | ||
| Imagine being waiting in line to go on your plane and some chick couldn't handle a pot cookie. | ||
| Is that really true? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have a news story, son? | ||
| Because I was on just in the middle. | ||
| I was on NBC4 Los Angeles. | ||
| I have a bit that's a true bit that I'm working on right now that I was just doing recently about I took a pot cookie and I got on a plane, but the plane was delayed when we were headed to London. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was sitting in the lobby of the plane in the waiting area. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| What is that called? | ||
| You're actually on the plane now? | ||
| Waiting to get on the plane. | ||
| Oh, the gate. | ||
| Sitting at the gate. | ||
| Sitting at the gate, and CNN is on. | ||
| And I'm so baked. | ||
| I'm so paranoid, freaked out, thinking about my mortality, thinking about will the earth ever explode? | ||
| What happens if a meteor comes? | ||
| Would they tell us? | ||
| I'm looking at fucking UFOs over thoughts, right? | ||
| But super, super, super baked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| The point where I'm like, whoa, I am way too high to be sitting by myself in the airport waiting to get to, you know, watching CNN. | ||
| but I got through it and I was fine. | ||
| But we did it with Ari. | ||
| I gave Ari a breast strip. | ||
| Oops, I should have said that. | ||
| I gave Ari something, allegedly, and he got on the plane and he was like, or no, it wasn't even me. | ||
| I didn't even give it to him. | ||
| It was before he got on. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Because by the time we got on the plane, he told me that at the moment we first got on the plane, before it took off, he was seriously considering running up to them and asking them to let him off the plane. | ||
| He goes, I had to keep it together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can absolutely see it. | |
| I talked to him recently, and he's like, oh, I did it again. | ||
| I was like, wait, you ate? | ||
| No, no, like he ate again before he got on the plane. | ||
| I'm like, see, to me, that happened to me once on a plane, and I was splashing water in my face, and I thought I was going to die. | ||
| I went to the bathroom 10 times, and I thought I was going to really have to tell them the same thing. | ||
| Like, I need to land. | ||
| I think I'm having, you know, a panic attack. | ||
| But he did it like two weeks later. | ||
| He just went right back into the saddle. | ||
| Like, I'll eat another cup of cookies. | ||
| And he freaked out again? | ||
| I don't know if he freaked out or not, but the fact that he went back to it so quickly, though. | ||
| He went back to almost being arrested, federally arrested, and making this plane late and, you know, and all those other things. | ||
| I would have got arrested too, I'm sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was right with him. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Check to see who else was on his ticket and go, okay, you got something. | ||
| Come on, why don't you tell me what happened here? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't live with the guy. | ||
| The guy showed up blasted. | ||
| He's got an issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I'd arrest him too if I was you. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm with everybody else, man. | ||
| When you start fucking eating cookies and making everybody else hold up for two hours because your funky ass can't take it. | ||
| They have a problem in Amsterdam where they're starting to ban edibles from coffee shops. | ||
| Because people are fucking eating, what they call space cakes. | ||
| They have these fucking muffins they eat. | ||
| You just disappear, man. | ||
| You just stop being Jason. | ||
| They're banning it from tourists too now. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| They're doing it in some places. | ||
| In some places, they're doing it. | ||
| Well, that's the tricky thing about edibles. | ||
| You just never know what you're going to. | ||
| I did that Howard Dover's gig in his marijuana show that he did down at La Jolla Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, he does them down there too? | ||
| He does. | ||
| Down there is tricky. | ||
| Yeah, very tricky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very tricky. | |
| San Diego is very Republican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They force out surprisingly. | |
| Well, you know why? | ||
| It's because they've got money. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They've got money and they're right next to Mexico. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You tend to get a little fucking conservative when that's going on. | ||
| No shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they have them. | |
| The same thing as they have at L.A. where everybody's smoking? | ||
| Dude, it was mayhem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was mayhem. | |
| So I'm down there and I'm baked as fuck. | ||
| And I come into like that, you know, that little green room they have? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a closet, basically, where you can just put your coat or whatever the fuck. | |
| I go in there and I'm stoned as fuck. | ||
| And the whole table's filled with cookies and brownies and all this shit. | ||
| And I'm super stoned. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| Not even thinking that they're edibles. | ||
| Not even thinking that they're edibles. | ||
| And dude, I slam a fucking cookie that's like this big. | ||
| I slam a cookie. | ||
| How can you not taste it? | ||
| Dude, these honest to Christ, the most delicious edibles I ever had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It tasted just like a peanut butter. | |
| It tasted just like a peanut butter cookie. | ||
| That's how I thought that they weren't because I ate it first and I was like, hmm, that's not too, you know, it was really peanut buttery tasting, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they probably use like the peanut butt, like the weed peanut butter as well as like the fucking fucked you up, son. | ||
| Dude, and I take a second bite of a second one. | ||
| And I was already stoned, right? | ||
| And this is before the show. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| You have to do a show? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the best part. | ||
| And somebody comes in and he's like, hey, take it easy. | ||
| I made all those edibles, man. | ||
| Take it easy on that. | ||
| Like, you know, don't eat, don't eat too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, if I was you, I'd only eat a half of a cookie. | |
| I already killed a cookie, and like, I'm one bite into my second cookie, stoned as fuck off of a fucking joint. | ||
| And I had that feeling, you know, that feeling where you can feel like the adrenaline, like the blood rush out of your face, like, oh, I'm fucked up. | ||
| That's a terrible feeling. | ||
| Dude, I looked Asian for my set. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm literally just like, did you know how to talk when you're up there? | |
| Yeah, and you know what? | ||
| I just, because of the crowd itself, like, I just went with fucking that. | ||
| I told the story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| And it went over really good. | ||
| I'm like, the only way out of this, weed show. | ||
| Exactly, dude. | ||
| The only way out of this. | ||
| And I just kept referencing, you know, I actually went actually really good because I told the whole story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, and then the dude coming in and telling me how the fucking, I don't eat half of one of those. | |
| And as soon as I'm like, I ate one of the cookies, everyone in the crowd's like, oh, shit. | ||
| I had some of the most disconnected sets in my life doing those Howard Dover shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because everybody would be there with weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane. | |
| It would be cookies and popcorn. | ||
| And dude, it's the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cream, popcorn ice cream. | |
| John Barris ate too much pot popcorn and he was like frightened for his life. | ||
| I love Barris. | ||
| I think Barris is hilarious. | ||
| He is very hilarious. | ||
| That shit's very dangerous, the popcorn. | ||
| That stuff is strong. | ||
| There's nothing worse than too high. | ||
| And that's what I was saying about edibles. | ||
| That's why they're dangerous. | ||
| Because like, dude, smoking a joint, smoking a bong, anything. | ||
| It's unpredictable. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Ritualistically, I can kind of control my intake. | ||
| But I got to tell you, man, some of my best learning experiences where you get real introspective and break shit down, almost all that shit has come from me eating pot. | ||
| Yeah, it's because you're tripping. | ||
| From edibles more so than smoking it, you mean? | ||
| You are tripping. | ||
| Look, when I go into the tank, I prefer to eat pot before I go in the tank because it makes it more psychedelic. | ||
| The eating pot, when you close your eyes, if you have like a real heavy dose, if you eat like a big cookie or something, I've done this so many times on planes. | ||
| When you close your eyes and you have these mad visions, like really nutty. | ||
| It's always like they look cartoon-like. | ||
| It's always like they're always very colorful and moving and constantly changing. | ||
| It's very, very psychedelic. | ||
| But it's a totally different ride. | ||
| It's totally different. | ||
| Put them in pot. | ||
| Yeah, it's different than smoking it. | ||
| And everybody that eats that shit is just like, oh, I'm just going to get kind of baked right now. | ||
| No, dude, this is a fucking buckle your seat belt kind of shit a lot of times. | ||
| This is going to change your life, homie. | ||
| Yeah, this is a, you know, turn the TV off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| This is dark by yourself in a dark room in silent darkness. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Trying to figure out your life. | ||
| Totally different. | ||
| You are going to be freaking out about everything you've ever done ever. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, what's wrong with me? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Do I shit together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do I still work at my job? | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's always people's first one. | ||
| That's the gate into there is I hate my job. | ||
| And then it's just that, Tom Segura and I, when we went to Detroit, I gave him an edible right before We got on the plane. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And he broke his whole life down on the flight. | ||
| Four-hour flight. | ||
| He landed. | ||
| He goes, Dude, I just figured out a lot of shit about my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, I've done that so many times. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's done that so many times. | ||
| Did he do it in your ear or did he do it to himself and mention it? | ||
| He told me. | ||
| No, he told me. | ||
| He said, Dude, I really went through some shit on that flight. | ||
| Of course, the next day, though, is I really broke it down. | ||
| I'm a unicorn in my past life. | ||
| Oh, shit, shit. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| Silly goose. | ||
| I mean, like, does he believe in that breaking down now? | ||
| It'd be interesting to talk to him now. | ||
| I was thinking it's crazy shit. | ||
| No, it was really objective what he was saying. | ||
| It was just talking about his diet and his work ethic and a bunch of different things. | ||
| It was really like, it was obviously things that were bothering him that he hadn't been addressing. | ||
| I mean, there's some drugs that make it bad, you know, like there are the bad, there's drugs that actually, like, you know, pot, all those different ones have a functionality, and then there's the ones that make it bad for everything. | ||
| It's like the rotten apple. | ||
| It's like, no one's ever, ever, ever, I guarantee it, smoked a joint and robbed a bank or done any bullshit like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I'm not saying that would be the first thing I did before I robbed the bank. | ||
| I'm gangsta. | ||
| But I'm saying not from fucking. | ||
| Well, I think calling all, putting all drugs under the name, everything that affects your mind under the name drugs is just as ridiculous as one guy getting in an argument with one chick and that guy saying, well, he hates all women. | ||
| Right, right, I got you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Totally, bro. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They vary in their effects so much. | ||
| The spectrum is so broad from, you know, I mean, everything is considered a drug. | ||
| Like, when you go to Saudi Arabia or if you go to Dubai, you know, I know people that were arrested for having melatonin. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Melatonin, which is a naturally occurring substance that helps you sleep. | ||
| Sweet price. | ||
| Natural supplement that you buy at the store. | ||
| People get arrested in Dubai if you have fucking melatonin. | ||
| Can you make it into another drug? | ||
| It's like one of those, like, you know, it's nothing. | ||
| It's just fucking. | ||
| No, I mean, it's related to a lot of psychedelic compounds chemically, but it's not, I mean, all it does is help you sleep. | ||
| And, you know, you can get arrested for that shit, man. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| You can't have it. | ||
| You know, so there's, and that is such a mild and innocuous, you know, quote-unquote drug or psychoactive herb. | ||
| I mean, whatever you think. | ||
| I mean, if it calms you down, I guess it's got to be considered something, right? | ||
| It's got to be psychoactive. | ||
| But I mean, it's 100%. | ||
| I mean, I guess I'm talking about the United States. | ||
| It's 100% legal. | ||
| You can get that shit. | ||
| The variation between that, though, and OxyContins through the roof. | ||
| Like, how are these two fucking things in the same category? | ||
| And they shouldn't be. | ||
| Valium Vellium is a killer, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that shit. | |
| That fucking rush limbo thing was going on. | ||
| How great was that, by the way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I loved it. | |
| I loved it. | ||
| It's like, well, well, well. | ||
| Pot calling the kettle black. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eat 100 pills a day. | |
| Always the case. | ||
| As a comic, don't you feel like it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when you just wake up and you see that in the news and you're like, thank you so much. | |
| Remember when that one evangelist that was like so against gays? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then it comes out he's just sucking tranny dicks and all that stuff. | |
| He's drinking out of God's straw. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You want a coconut juice? | ||
| I'd love one, dude. | ||
| You know, as a fan of the podcast, you always hear about this coconut. | ||
| Coconut juice is the shit. | ||
| It's really good for you. | ||
| It's an isotonic beverage, my friend. | ||
| A natural one. | ||
| This is a new company. | ||
| I'm trying these out. | ||
| They were at the local vegan store. | ||
| Cheers, cheers. | ||
| Oh, it's delicious. | ||
| Ooh, this is just as good. | ||
| Yeah, that tastes good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Yeah, thank you, baby Jesus. | ||
| I was hoping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Because the other ones are from Thailand. | ||
| And I was like, these Thai motherfuckers might have the real shit. | ||
| You know, this one's from Buena Park. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a world of difference. | |
| I mean, that ain't the same, son. | ||
| Those Buena Park coconuts are so fresh. | ||
| It's hard to get them from Thailand because it's so awesome in Thailand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good, though. | |
| It's so beautiful. | ||
| They don't want to work all day. | ||
| It's fucking gorgeous. | ||
| It's windy for us. | ||
| They're busy doing Muay Thai and checking out dudes dressed up with fucking dresses on. | ||
| All right, cool. | ||
| So where'd you get this at? | ||
| Just a Thai player? | ||
| Just a regular health food store. | ||
| You hear me? | ||
| It's called Follow Your Heart. | ||
| Amy and Brian coconut juice. | ||
| It's the shit, son. | ||
| Coconut juice is so good for you. | ||
| This is going to sound crazy, but it's true that on battlefields they've used it as transfusions. | ||
| When people have lost blood, they've given them IVs of coconut juice to replenish their blood. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That doesn't seem like that would work. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds insane. | ||
| Did you read that on the internet? | ||
| No, it says it on the can. | ||
| Oh, weird. | ||
| I haven't read it on the internet. | ||
| It probably is more. | ||
| Well, they can't put it on the can. | ||
| There's no way somebody would call you on that shit. | ||
| It must be true. | ||
| So, speaking of science-y shit, when we're talking about things that we're interested in, there's two things that I wanted to talk about. | ||
| One, before we get going, because we've been doing this how long? | ||
| 43. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, this Richard Dawkins thing is fucking awesome. | ||
| Richard Dawkins is reading his hate mail in front of a fire. | ||
| Now, you know, you're always going to get haters. | ||
| And I mean, I think I don't read my hate mail. | ||
| I see that someone's saying something douchey. | ||
| I just delete them. | ||
| Or on Twitter, I read two words. | ||
| I know where they're going with it. | ||
| When you first started getting hate mail, were you kind of like, oh, shit, I'm getting hate mails? | ||
| Yeah, it's a little weird, but now it doesn't even affect me anymore. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It used to actually affect me. | ||
| I'd be like, wow, this is douchey, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But now I look at it and I'm like, whatever. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I just know who you are now. | ||
| Now I understand. | ||
| I think all that shit, I think any contact you have with human beings, you learn more about the broad spectrum of human behavior. | ||
| And when people are douchey to you, it just lets you know that those douchey people are out there and then you become immune to them. | ||
| It's like getting bit by rattlesnakes a bunch of times. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You know, after a while, you get bit by them and nothing happens. | ||
| Right, totally. | ||
| The first time they bite you, you're fucked. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| It's really when you first get shit on on the internet. | ||
| Like people become famous out of nowhere. | ||
| Oh, like this Antoine Dodson thing. | ||
| We didn't talk about that. | ||
| We were in Detroit and the guy from that video, you know, you don't have to come. | ||
| They're raping everybody up in here. | ||
| We're going to find you. | ||
| They made that song about him, the auto-tune song, and the song was really fucking good. | ||
| The song we talked about on the podcast, song becomes huge. | ||
| Got a lot of money. | ||
| This guy is a fucking celebrity now, man. | ||
| We were in Detroit. | ||
| This guy was in the front row of the weigh-ins. | ||
| And I'm introducing fighters. | ||
| And I'm looking down. | ||
| I'm like, god damn it, that's Antoine Dodson. | ||
| I can't even believe this. | ||
| Like, this is so strange. | ||
| And then it turns out that Dana White fucking brought the guy there. | ||
| I was just going to ask how he... | ||
| Dana brought the guy there, hooked him up, got him tickets, and brought him around to everyone. | ||
| Like all the ring card girls and all the different fighters and everything. | ||
| And everyone loves this guy. | ||
| Everyone is like shaking hands with this guy and taking pictures with this guy. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, I'm like, this is fucking crazy, man. | ||
| Daniels should do that all the time. | ||
| Just find somebody, these internet guys. | ||
| Like in every city, you got it. | ||
| Working for a guy like Dana is so fun. | ||
| Because nothing. | ||
| He's a badass, right? | ||
| I've never met him, but he seems like a great guy. | ||
| Yeah, seems like a great guy. | ||
| And he's obsessed with making the sport bigger and huger. | ||
| And he does a lot of nutty shit. | ||
| Has he got Double Rainbow Guy yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what you should get because that guy's actually in him and Mega. | ||
| They missed the boat on Double Rainbow. | ||
| And by the way, Double Rainbow Guy never got as big as Antoine Dotson because he didn't have a fucking song. | ||
| He did. | ||
| They made many songs. | ||
| Was the Double Rainbow song any good? | ||
| Yeah, it was really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did we play it? | |
| We played it? | ||
| Yeah, we played it. | ||
| Yeah, it was good, but that fucking rape song, hide your kids, hide your wife. | ||
| That's just a jam, dude. | ||
| Right, it is. | ||
| My girlfriend was like, have you heard this song? | ||
| She's like, I can't get it out of my fucking head and played it. | ||
| And I'm like, just don't do it to me. | ||
| You know, when people stick shit in your fucking head, couldn't get it out of my head for like a week. | ||
| It's amazing that music can do that. | ||
| I've got this whole bit on that that I'm working on. | ||
| Do you want to listen to this Richard Dawkins? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And this is what is. | ||
| Well, anyway, segwaking back, segwaking back. | ||
| I don't like reading hate mail. | ||
| It's like, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I don't need to hear it. | ||
| It's one thing if there's a criticism, if someone's reasonable and rational and they have something to say. | ||
| You can learn from them. | ||
| But you only learn so much from people doing douchey shit. | ||
| So I don't invite it. | ||
| You can invite it. | ||
| I remember Menstelia used to have a thing on his website. | ||
| He had love mail and hate mail. | ||
| You could send him hate mail, but it was so over. | ||
| That's a well mail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd like to see how that tipping of that scale. | |
| He got beaten down by the fucking tsunami of shit mail of death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shutting the site down and shit. | |
| Yeah, and so he had to abandon that shit. | ||
| He had to abandon all ideas of that. | ||
| But the idea is that you don't want to give someone the green light to go and be a douche. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just tell the people that are on the fence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| That's what kind of sucks about editing heckler videos when we used to do a lot of heckler videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that it opens Pandora's box because they want a video made for them? | |
| Me and Joe had like maybe 10 more heckler videos since our last one that we could have done, but then we're like, let's just not do that. | ||
| It's just drunk idiots. | ||
| It's just people looking for their attention. | ||
| I love that one video that you guys had when it was out to the comedy store and you did the OR or whatever, when you were doing like Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That one chick that was like, Joe Rogan, you're fat. | |
| Remember that one? | ||
| And you're like, bitch, and you lift up your shirt. | ||
| It's like a 50 pack. | ||
| He's got like a 50 pack. | ||
| And she's like, well. | ||
| That was weird, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was weird. | |
| That didn't even make sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I guess it was because I had puffy clothes on. | ||
| I had like a sweatshirt on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think that you did, though, because I was there and I remember being like, I had layers. | |
| I just had layers. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because I remember I had a wool, a knit hat on. | ||
| So it must have been cold. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably like this time of year. | ||
| If you guys want to see it, I was hoping she was going to hurt my feelings, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's called Joe Rogan Fat, so if you Google it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's still out there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a funny one. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| That girl was so mean, and they were such dumb. | ||
| Because she had said like a bunch of different shit, and you were just shooting her down, shooting her down, shooting her down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then she's like, you're fat. | |
| It's her birthday. | ||
| It's her birthday. | ||
| It's always somebody's birthday. | ||
| And they wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| They sat in the front row and they disrupted every comic and people kept yelling and screaming. | ||
| And then after I got off stage, they came up to me like they wanted to take pictures. | ||
| That's always the one. | ||
| I was like, you were the guys who wouldn't shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| You guys ruined the whole show. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Don't be an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Be an asshole. | ||
| Look, I'm just. | ||
| I was trying to help you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She goes, you're fat. | |
| You're fat. | ||
| She's like puffing her cheeks out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| She goes, you're fat. | ||
| That was so gay. | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| It was like, it was like, you know, she's like, you're Chinese. | ||
| You know, like, you know, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You're a refrigerator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like, it didn't make any sense. | ||
| You know, you want to call me short. | ||
| I'm short. | ||
| You would be correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I know that. | ||
| You can't hurt my feelings with that, you dumb cunt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Cunt. | ||
| Dumb cuntosaurus. | ||
| So anyway, stupid. | ||
| I don't think, and back to the whole idea of hecklers. | ||
| Giving people the opportunity saying, hey, you know, come send me some hate mail. | ||
| They'll take it. | ||
| going to take it. | ||
| There's a lot of people on the fence I just want to get your attention. | ||
| The funny thing is, if you're like, hey, everybody, please send me some positive feedback from my stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| People have no intention of fucking doing that. | ||
| Hey, man, feel free to heckle me. | ||
| It's just raining Facebook posts and messages on you. | ||
| No matter what you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm just saying, no matter who you are, it's just like people fucking. | |
| Yeah, well, that is true. | ||
| But, you know, you get a lot. | ||
| I get most of my interaction online, literally, the majority, maybe 90 plus percent, is all positive. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| It's a small amount of douchey people. | ||
| And it's very satisfying in that respect. | ||
| And my crowds, too. | ||
| I mean, dude, I have like the best crowds. | ||
| Everywhere I go, I am always honored by how nice everybody is and cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And people come out and say, you have a pretty badass fanbase. | |
| They're fucking nice people, man. | ||
| They're nice, cool people. | ||
| You put that out there, and that's the kind of people that respond. | ||
| You're always going to have a few idiots. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But considering what I do, considering that I do fucking cage fighting commentary, that I used to do the UFC. | ||
| I mean, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're a gambling man, you would think that you're a fucking parking lot with like both hooks in, taken back. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It should be all everyone with tribal tattoos, neck tattoos. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| It should be everyone has foil on their shirt with Japanese writing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And, you know, even those people that show up, they're nice too, man. | ||
| Dude, yeah, they're just, they just, you know. | ||
| Who do you think has the douchiest crowds? | ||
| Richard Dawkins. | ||
| What? | ||
| Richard Dawkins. | ||
| He doesn't have crowds, bro. | ||
| He's not a comedian. | ||
| There's a comic who has a douchiest crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Dane Cook's probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's the guy with the puppets? | |
| Jeff Dunham's got to have a douchey crowd. | ||
| Jeff Dunham, you know, won't make fun of Christians. | ||
| He makes fun of everything because he, but he won't make fun of Christians because he's a fan of the public. | ||
| Yeah, because that's his fucking argument. | ||
| He wouldn't go for that. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That's who buys his fucking puppet t-shirts and shit. | ||
| Well, I guess, you know, when you're making that kind of cash, though, that guy's like roping him in all over the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Top 10 grossing comes. | |
| I saw a thing in People or some magazine thing. | ||
| He was top 10 grossing comments. | ||
| Yeah, he's making mad loot. | ||
| And he's all squeaky clean. | ||
| And it's all like weird, thinly veiled racism and shit. | ||
| You know, it's all like anti-Arab shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like the funny thing about him is, dude, like as a ventriloquist, he's not even a, like, his mouth moves as much as my fucking mouth is moving right now. | |
| Like, it's like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just like, fuck it. | |
| I'm just going to let the puppet. | ||
| I don't even care. | ||
| I'm not going to try to trick anybody. | ||
| There's shit I don't get. | ||
| And I'm not hating. | ||
| You know, I don't get it. | ||
| There's a lot of music I don't get. | ||
| There's a lot of comedy I don't get. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Each to each is on, man. | ||
| You have your audience. | ||
| I don't know who else. | ||
| Who else would have a douchey audience? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who else would have? | |
| And Stelia is a terrible audience. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely. | |
| They might be the worst. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're probably the worst. | ||
| They're poor fucks. | ||
| They're just sad. | ||
| They're clinging to embers. | ||
| Yeah, there's like, there's like, yeah, totally. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's funny to me, like, you know, because everybody busts his balls for Steelia. | ||
| Stand closeness. | ||
| He has the most psychos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's incredible, dude. | |
| You know, he is, like, we were talking about him the other day. | ||
| He is, to stand-up comedy, what, like, the Grateful Dead were to music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he has a real following. | |
| Like, people travel to follow him. | ||
| And it's like, you know, people don't really know the industry, quote unquote, they don't know what to fucking do with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They want to do something with him, but they don't know what to do with it. | |
| And he doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's counterculture right there. | |
| That is what it really is, bro. | ||
| That's alternative fucking comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Doug Stanhope. | |
| I totally agree. | ||
| Check out Doug Stanhope's comedy if you guys don't know who we're talking about. | ||
| I can't believe you wouldn't, but. | ||
| Yeah, if you haven't heard, but there's a lot of people that are just getting into this podcast now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, of course. | |
| And there's a lot of shit that we talk about. | ||
| I mean, like things like, you know, that it should be like comedy. | ||
| That's real alternative stand-up, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's the way that shit goes, where it's like, fuck competitions, fuck fucking, you know, festivals. | |
| Really, most of it is even fuck comedy clubs. | ||
| He's not even hardly doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely, yeah. | |
| He does a few every now and then, but it's really now because he's gotten such a draw and people are so aware of it that he can kind of call the shots now. | ||
| They know, like, hey, Stanhope's going to be in town. | ||
| You can either have, you know, 50 people in your crowd on Thursday night or you can have 300. | ||
| It'll be selling out in advance. | ||
| You know, but he doesn't want to hear any of your bullshit. | ||
| And he does it all through the internet and his relationships that he has at radio stations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That being said, he's got some psychotic crowds. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| His crowds are the most drunk. | ||
| They're the craziest. | ||
| Right, for obvious reasons. | ||
| Yeah, I've met a couple guys, two now, that have Doug Stanhope tattoos. | ||
| That's so crazy, man. | ||
| One guy had Sicko tattooed on his arm in the same way as the title of one of Doug's CDs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
CDs, I'm like, wow, that's strong. | |
| But that guy's a real stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, if you want to talk about industry bullshit, he's not trying to get on a fucking sitcom. | |
| That dude wants to do stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, and what he does is awesome. | ||
| And he's great. | ||
| He's not trying to be anything that he's not. | ||
| He's really just trying to figure things out and make them funny and talk about it on stage. | ||
| And a fucking great guy, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the boot. | |
| The best. | ||
| The best. | ||
| What about Ralphie Mae's audience? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hungriest audience. | ||
| The fungi. | ||
| That would be a weird audience. | ||
| I've never even been to a real Ralphie Mae comedy. | ||
| Well, what's weird is there's certain people that have audiences that's entirely ethnic and they're gigantic. | ||
| Like Maz Jabrani has a huge audience. | ||
| And it's all like Persian people. | ||
| There's a lot of white people too that like him. | ||
| But I mean, he's a huge star in the Persian community. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, like diplomats from Iran will go to see Maz Gibrani perform comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he's like the shit in that community. | ||
| There's no one even close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just shot this thing for DirecTV that Maz was in. | |
| It's the first stand-up comedy show they shot at the Live Factory that's in 3D. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Like you can wear like 3D glasses. | ||
| It's like for those new 3D televisions. | ||
| Like I guess DirecTV, if you have DirecTV, they're doing their own 3D channel. | ||
| Dude, they're doing 3D games, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call of Duty. | |
| 3D games and 3D laptops now. | ||
| They have 3D laptops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's stupid to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah, laptops are for portable use. | ||
| What are you going to be taking your 3D games to the airport and stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, some people who travel, they travel with those fucking Alienware things. | ||
| Dudes who are really hardcore. | ||
| I ran into some chick the other day at the coffee shop. | ||
| She had one of those Alienware things. | ||
| What's an Alienwear? | ||
| Alienware is like a company that makes gaming computers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They make high-end PCs with like serious graphics for cards and for the people that never see the sun. | |
| Yeah, and this fucking gaming computer this chick had was like old school thick. | ||
| It was like phone book thick. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Had a crank on the side of it. | ||
| Yeah, and her power thing, the thing that's on the cable, you know, the brick? | ||
| What is that called? | ||
| The brick that's part of the power cable? | ||
| What is that brick part called? | ||
| The brick. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Good guess, yeah. | ||
| Her brick was, like, I have a Mac laptop. | ||
| Hers was at least four, if not five times bigger than mine. | ||
| It was giant. | ||
| But I bet she has 20 USB ports where mine's only rocking two. | ||
| You know, that's so annoying. | ||
| That's one good thing about those big-ass laptops. | ||
| They have everything you want. | ||
| It has Blu-ray. | ||
| They have everything. | ||
| There's certain things that you can't get if you have a Mac. | ||
| Like if you have Blu-ray discs, you can't play them. | ||
| They just don't play. | ||
| I understand that, though. | ||
| I don't really. | ||
| I think that's stupid. | ||
| I think if it's available, it should be an option. | ||
| I think it should be an option for anybody who's selling computers. | ||
| If you have that shit, it's a big part of your home standard. | ||
| And especially if you claim to be the best. | ||
| I mean, Macs, for the most part, I mean, I'm a Mac guy. | ||
| I understand that they don't want to accept that Sony came up with the standard, you know, It is some ego shit. | ||
| Blu-rays are popular as fuck. | ||
| Well, I think. | ||
| Stop being cunts. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think the whole point is that we're moving to just straight digital media. | ||
| Like, this is going to be a quick run for this Blu-ray, and especially when Apple is the number one selling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How quick? | |
| It's been a few years. | ||
| In technological terms, that's a lifetime. | ||
| But that's like stabbing Apple in the back because instead of, you know, if you don't have a Blu-ray player, you know, you're not going to use Blu-rays on your laptop. | ||
| So instead, you're going to be using iTunes and downloading kick-ass for $3 off iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, but what if you don't have a home stereo or a home theater system that's connected to a computer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| That's iPhone 3. | ||
| No, so you're probably using a DVD then because the resolution for your screen doesn't matter anyway. | ||
| But it does if you have Blu-ray. | ||
| If you have a Blu-ray and you have a big screen? | ||
| No, no, I'm saying for your laptop. | ||
| Okay, but what I'm saying is that if a dude has a Blu-ray and he has a Blu-ray DVD player and he watches it on his big screen and he buys a Blu-ray disc and he wants to watch the rest of it on his flight to fucking New Jersey, he should be able to stick that shit in his laptop. | ||
| Well, that's why a lot of them come with a digital. | ||
| A lot of them don't. | ||
| I would say at least half of them don't. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| They used to all have it, right? | ||
| I actually was under the impression that they used to not, and now they neither split it up. | ||
| For that exact reason that you're talking about is that people are being like, that sucks because I can only watch it on my one fucking TV in my basement and I can't watch it. | ||
| And Amazon just started this thing where it's like you buy the movie from Amazon and you can immediately watch it On your computer. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, that's kind of interesting. | ||
| I do agree with you, though. | ||
| It is a pit stop. | ||
| Eventually, all media will be just coming through the air. | ||
| It's a short pit stop. | ||
| That's what Apple's, I guess, looking at it as. | ||
| It's like, it's going to add $100 to your laptop. | ||
| Is it worth it for something that we're going to take out in like two years, probably? | ||
| Three years, probably. | ||
| 3D games on your fucking laptop. | ||
| Dude, just technology now. | ||
| I mean, just like, look at this fucking room for the, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, how fucking game is. | ||
| Dude, you can't get Blu-ray players. | ||
| Dude, 10 years ago. | ||
| Imagine an iPhone. | ||
| If I would have told you about an iPhone 10 years ago, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here, Tebo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You're fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You can do all that. | ||
| When did you get your first cell phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got my first cell phone in, I want to say, 94-ish? | |
| 93-ish. | ||
| 93. | ||
| Early 90s. | ||
| I had a car phone way back in 1988. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had that big-ass one with the car. | |
| It was actually connected to the car. | ||
| I couldn't even go anywhere with it, but it's the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And then I had a real phone I didn't get until I moved to New York, or to LA, rather. | ||
| So it was like probably the same, like 94. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Big-ass brick. | ||
| Those Motorola flip things. | ||
| What were those things called? | ||
| The really bitching Motorola ones? | ||
| Star Tex. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| You're not talking about the one. | ||
| You're not the one that had the briefcase one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking about like a real fucking fat one. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was a Motorola. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Star Trek. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Sure. | ||
| They would call it Star Tex. | ||
| Yeah, it had the bottom that flipped out, but it was only just for your voice. | ||
| It didn't have anything else on there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was Motorola. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Had that cord you could pull out. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It would push in. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Antennas? | ||
| A lot of them had to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, antennas. | |
| You'd have to put them on your car for shit. | ||
| Yeah, what is going on with this Apple antenna, Brian? | ||
| Have they figured that thing out? | ||
| Where if you hold the phone a certain way, you don't get any signal? | ||
| Is that all bullshit? | ||
| I don't think it bothers anyone. | ||
| I've heard that it was bullshit, and I heard that it wasn't. | ||
| I also heard that it was on the side that if you're left-handed, it covers it. | ||
| Oh, so it's death to lefties. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm left-handed shit. | ||
| Can you imagine if you were left-handed and you grew up back when people would burn people for being left-handed? | ||
| Yeah, I am actually left-handed. | ||
| Yeah, there was times where people were, they would correct people, and if they didn't correct them, they didn't trust them. | ||
| They wanted to kill them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They were witches because they're left-handed. | ||
| Dude, that just goes to show you people are dumb as fuck and always have been. | ||
| And they'll find any group to be a part of. | ||
| People feared people being different. | ||
| And that's always the case, man. | ||
| It's always the case. | ||
| That's what racism is about. | ||
| It's what sexism, all this homophobia is just like, man, that guy's not like me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's kill him. | |
| Anybody with me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's in? | |
| There's a little of that, but they're also fearing what they're afraid of seeing in themselves. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, totally, totally, totally. | ||
| 90% of the people that are gay bash are probably just fighting off some internal need to suck some cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Or the fear of the, even if it's before it's more upstream than that, they're afraid that it's contagious and it might get on them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| It's like, man, if he's gay, what's next? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Get me the fuck. | ||
| It's a fascinating discussion when you have with people when you talk about gay being a choice or not being a choice. | ||
| What's your thought on it? | ||
| Because I actually, I don't think. | ||
| I think it's both. | ||
| I think it is absolutely both. | ||
| You know, I think there's a lot of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think there are people that are born with it and there are people that choose to do it. | |
| You know, there was a Roman study, Roman, not Roman, back in Roman times, but Rome, Italy. | ||
| They did a study where they concluded that there is a very, it's very likely that homosexuality comes from a variation of the X chromosome and that it's inherited from oversexual women. | ||
| And that oversexual women, it may actually be some sort of a variation that was designed to make sure that they get pregnant and ensure their survival back in tough times. | ||
| They had to be like really slutty and not just really slutty, but slutty with a bunch of different men. | ||
| And what they found out is that women who are promiscuous are much more likely, in this study at least, to produce homosexual children. | ||
| And that when they looked at homosexual children, a statistical majority, like you could look at it on paper and go, wow, these women have, you know, they're horrible. | ||
| That's fucking fascinating. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| I mean, absolutely makes a lot of sense why women want to fuck men. | ||
| A lot of why some girls are just freaks. | ||
| There's some girls that just will fuck everybody. | ||
| And they're like that from the jump. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| There was a girl that I dated when I was in high school, and this bitch will fuck anyone. | ||
| Anyone. | ||
| She fucked everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was crazy. | |
| Didn't you have bits about it? | ||
| Or no, you did that sex show that I did with Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Totally true story. | ||
| I came home. | ||
| This chick was so crazy. | ||
| I came home one day. | ||
| There was this other dude that my sister used to hang out with. | ||
| And I was like, I wasn't sure if we were still dating anymore. | ||
| It was one of those things we'd get in arguments. | ||
| We never were really going steady. | ||
| Is this who you lost your virginity to? | ||
| No, it was not. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay, this is later. | ||
| It's a different one. | ||
| And so this girl was so crazy that she was getting fingered in the front seat of a car in front of my house at like 4 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I had to get up because I had a newspaper route. | ||
| I used to deliver newspapers. | ||
| I had a van and everything, and I would go and deliver the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald. | ||
| And on Sunday, I had to get up wicked early. | ||
| I had to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Wicked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Way to represent, Joe. | |
| Way to represent. | ||
| Representing wicked early. | ||
| So it was like 4 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I had to get up. | ||
| And I get out of my house. | ||
| I'm fucking waking up. | ||
| I'm so tired, right? | ||
| I'm thinking, man, Dunkin' Donuts isn't even open yet, right? | ||
| And I got to go to work. | ||
| So I get in my truck. | ||
| And as I'm walking towards my truck, I see that this kid, I forget his name, he's parked right behind me on my street, right in the street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning, and his hands go like this. | |
| He's fingering her, and he's like making out with her. | ||
| And so I stand in front of the car watching this, and they're totally oblivious that anyone's in front of them. | ||
| And they're like drunk. | ||
| They probably drove drunk. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And he's fingering her, and she's in the front seat, and she's like, and then I slam my hand on the hood of the car. | ||
| And I look at both of them and I go, ah, and that's all I said. | ||
| And then I got in my car and I drove away. | ||
| And that was like, so right before you walked out of your house or apartment, whatever at that point in time, you're like, I'm not sure if my girlfriend is. | ||
| This is my girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'm not sure if this is my girlfriend or not. | ||
| I'm not sure where we should be. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| It was just a girl. | ||
| I mean, she was never my girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| It was like, and she would, you know, we had like a thing where she wanted to be my girlfriend and I didn't want her to be, I wanted another girl to be my girlfriend. | ||
| So I said no. | ||
| And then I asked her, do you want to be my girlfriend later? | ||
| And she was no, because you said no the first time. | ||
| So I was like, all right, whatever. | ||
| This shit went on for like a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, all the while you're banging her. | |
| Yeah, always. | ||
| She would bang you after a date with another dude. | ||
| This bitch was crazy. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| She just never would say no. | ||
| Are you Facebook friends with her now? | ||
| No, I don't want to be. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| She would just bang anybody. | ||
| I used to talk about it. | ||
| Like, Her with Dick was like a kitten with a ball of yarn. | ||
| You couldn't even drag a ball of yarn in front of a kitten. | ||
| They're going to dive on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's like her with Dick. | ||
| Everyone who tried to fuck this girl fucked her. | ||
| And she was really pretty. | ||
| I want to see what she looks like now. | ||
| She was probably, I don't want to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to say. | |
| I'm trying to be a positive person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no more hate. | |
| She probably looks exactly like Richard Dawkins. | ||
| Why don't you play that shit? | ||
| Play that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is Richard Dawkins sitting in front of a fire, and he's reading hate mail. | ||
| What's the name on the Twitter or the YouTube video? | ||
| Richard Dawkins reads hate mail. | ||
| Hate emails. | ||
| And he's sitting in front of a fire With his feet propped up On his laptop With a big smile on his face And he's reading this shit And all these fucking Knuckleheads Richard Dawkins Is a very famous atheist And an intellectual But the very existence of your animosity, hatred, and mockery towards him proves your hypocrisy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I suggest that you find the longest crowbar you can find to pull your head out of your behalf. | |
| If there is no order in evolution, how were you born with your head on your shoulders? | ||
| They get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I meant they get it, you're so smart in your own eyes, you can't comprehend simple Bible passages and misconstrue them for your own bullshit dogma. | |
| I read your book about the Bible. | ||
| It is totally sucks ass. | ||
| Your theory sucks. | ||
| You are not as wise as you think you are. | ||
| You hypocrites want to condemn anybody for making mistakes or believing different from your bullshit retard atheism dogma. | ||
| Hawking's books are fucking stupid bullshit. | ||
| then it's a shot in the fire in your life then what is the point of your life pointless when you die that's it game over how pointless is that i really feel sorry for you all but it's not too late to turn to god There's a lot of people listening going, yeah. | ||
| Frank atheist. | ||
| This is what God says about you. | ||
| You are a fool. | ||
| You are a fool. | ||
| That's four words. | ||
| And that's like how they speak for God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I defy any of my co-religionists to tell me they do not laugh at the idea of Dawkins burning in hell. | |
| I always love that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You suck. | |
| Go burn in hell. | ||
| Satan will enjoy torturing you. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Mum didn't pay enough attention to you, so you decided to rebel. | ||
| I hope for your own sake you see your grave mistake and repent. | ||
| God dwells among as every day. | ||
| You are the spawn of evil. | ||
| Christian living for God. | ||
| I hope you die slowly and you fucking burn in hell, you damned blasphemy. | ||
| Right now you are rotting on the inside, but you must know that there is indeed a God, a great God, and he will forgive you if you regret from your fucking behaviour. | ||
| You should realise that your entire life has been a delusion. | ||
| And that right now, your destiny is all fucked up. | ||
| Fucking atheist. | ||
| Oh, brilliant. | ||
| Our God is a loving God. | ||
| But if you keep peddling this kind of filth, then I pity you when Jesus returns. | ||
| I hate your fucking guts. | ||
| Sincerely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha, you fucking dumbass. | |
| I hope you get hit by a church van tonight and you die slowly. | ||
| Such loving people. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you for joining us. | |
| Well, dude, it's guys like that that get their lives threatened. | ||
| I mean, those can be a marked man. | ||
| If he was talking about Islam, he'd probably already be dead. | ||
| I mean, religious fanatics are the scariest fucking people in the world to me. | ||
| Poor fuck. | ||
| By the way, if you're listening to this and you're a religious fanatic, my name's Ari Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and my phone number is... | |
| You remember when we used to give out his phone number on stage? | ||
| Yeah, Duncan actually had it on websites and everything. | ||
| Yeah, we would say after show. | ||
| And if you enjoyed Ari, his phone number is people would write that down. | ||
| His phone would be ringing all night. | ||
| Didn't that happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it did. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Who did that on stage with him? | ||
| Duncan, I thought. | ||
| Was it Duncan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like Duncan. | ||
| Right in his wheelhouse. | ||
| Duncan is so fucking crazy. | ||
| Dusty used to play elaborate. | ||
| They used to break into each other's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like Duncan pissed in a glass. | |
| When they were neighbors, Duncan broke into Ari's place and pissed in a glass and put it in his refrigerator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| It's like Ari opens his refrigerator and he's like, what the? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They used to steal each other's mail. | ||
| They used to do all kinds of terrible shit to each other. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Before we leave, there's another thing that I want to talk about that's pretty fucking crazy. | ||
| And I think you get into this because you're in a weird shit. | ||
| This is phys. | ||
| Brian, god damn it. | ||
| Physicists from the University of Bonn, I don't know where that is, have developed. | ||
| It's Germany. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yes, it is Germany. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| They've developed a completely new source of light, a so-called Bose-Einstein condensate consisting of photons. | ||
| Until recently, now, whatever the fuck this means, experts had thought that this was impossible, and this method may potentially be suitable for designing novel light sources resembling lasers that will work in the X-ray range. | ||
| Among other applications, they might allow building more powerful computer chips, and these scientists are reporting their discovery in the upcoming issue of the journal Nature. | ||
| So these motherfuckers have figured out a new form of light. | ||
| A new source of light. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| They're never going to run out of discoveries. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Until they find the one that just kills all of mankind. | ||
| That's the only way that ends. | ||
| There's collider. | ||
| You think that's it? | ||
| How many layers does this fucking onion have? | ||
| Is there a core? | ||
| Do they keep inventing shit? | ||
| The core is time travel, or the core is once it all becomes interlinked. | ||
| I think the core of it is just an understanding of the universe and how it relates to itself. | ||
| That time travel theme comes up here on the show a lot. | ||
| We've had a lot of us that are, that are, you know, the idea of it. | ||
| Look, the idea of sending a picture through the air to you or I, you know, if we had to come up with it on our own, how to do that, it sounds like there's no way. | ||
| There's no way it could happen. | ||
| I could do it right now. | ||
| But yeah, I have no idea how it fucking happened. | ||
| But someone did figure it all out. | ||
| Some group of people, they got to the point where it happened. | ||
| Now, if we, you know, as a unit of three, if we were designed, you know, if it was or we were told to go out and make a new way to send video through the air so that it hits another box, something would involve soup cans and strings. | ||
| It would fucking be impossible. | ||
| We could live 100 lives. | ||
| We would never even come close. | ||
| But yet somehow or another, people were able to put it all together and do that. | ||
| That to me says there's no end. | ||
| It's just everybody puts a piece in. | ||
| This guy makes the wheel and that guy makes the axle and this guy makes the steering wheel. | ||
| And maybe he doesn't know anything other than steering wheels, but he knows to make that steering wheel and he puts it all together. | ||
| And it's like one big giant fucking anthill designed to create something. | ||
| Yeah, it's the building blocks of evolution. | ||
| I mean, it really is the quintessence of what evolution really is, is those, you know, those minuscule steps where something opens up another box and another or another layer of the onion. | ||
| And that they have to all act as individuals, but together as a unit. | ||
| That's the key to getting anything done. | ||
| Anybody that does something, like say a guy like Stephen Hawkings, who's a particle physicist, like Michio Kaku or something like that, they dedicate their entire life to concentrating on particle theory and concentrating on the cosmos and concentrating on science. | ||
| That is their spot. | ||
| That's what thing they do. | ||
| And from the things they discover, we get more of an understanding about stuff. | ||
| And then some guy will come up with some new fucking thing that ties into that. | ||
| Sure, man. | ||
| I mean, they pass it on. | ||
| That's why those guys are professors. | ||
| They pass the baton to the next class of people. | ||
| They're like, build upon what he did. | ||
| And we were all acting together. | ||
| We just can't see it. | ||
| We just can't see it, but we're all acting together. | ||
| and time machines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think, I mean, I think time... | |
| I don't want to get too far. | ||
| I mean, I know we're almost wrapping up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a little late in the show to start a time traveling fucking conversation. | |
| We've had him a hundred times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I heard him. | |
| Lockhart's a big fan of the figure. | ||
| He's a big time freak, too. | ||
| Well, you know, that's one of the cool things about knowing a lot of comics and knowing a lot of dudes that hang out at the comedy store. | ||
| A lot of comics have a lot of goddamn time, and they sit around and think about shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're generally smart people. | |
| Like, the better the comics are smart thinkers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're deep thinkers, open to fucking new ideas or concepts. | |
| Consider things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anything but closed-minded are good comedians. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| It's one of the most important things. | ||
| If you want to have a fun life, you got to surround yourself with other people that are asking questions too, and honest ones. | ||
| So that when the, when, you know, like, like, here's a good perfect example. | ||
| Me and my buddy Jimmy Detilio, I was, I think I was 18 and he was 19, and we got a Ouija board. | ||
| And we're like, do you believe in this shit, man? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| We were totally terrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's go fucking get one. | ||
| 18 and 18. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I was already laughing about, wasn't that? | |
| I'm not proud of it, but I'm telling the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My favorite part of that story. | |
| So we went and we got this fucking Ouija board and he's like, I'm not going to move it. | ||
| I'll tell you what, if it's moving, it's because either you're moving it or ghosts are moving it. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm not fucking moving it either. | ||
| If it's moving, it's because ghosts are moving it. | ||
| Okay, deal, deal. | ||
| We shook hands, and then we sat down in his apartment, and we started pushing, you know, sitting this thing down, and we kept our fingers on it. | ||
| We sat there for like 15 minutes. | ||
| We look at each other. | ||
| We'd make eye contact and go back. | ||
| Then we'd ask some more questions. | ||
| We'd try to be like real open-minded. | ||
| And then finally, he picked his hands off it. | ||
| I picked my hands off. | ||
| He goes, fuck this fucking stupid thing. | ||
| He threw it across the room. | ||
| We started laughing. | ||
| Like, I knew he wasn't going to fuck with me. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We figured this shit out together. | ||
| We're like, okay, together, this is horse shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right, right. | |
| Because I knew I could trust him. | ||
| I knew that's the most important thing ever to have other people that are questioning shit, other people that you can trust so that you don't have to figure it all out on your own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| And then me and Jimmy got in a pillow fight and we wrestled around a little. | ||
| We grabbed his cotton. | ||
| Showed him some new submission goals. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just like a double wrist lock, but it's on your cock. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Didn't do any of that. | ||
| But that's our lesson for the day, folks. | ||
| There's about 85,000 suck my cock jokes in today's episode. | ||
| Is that any new restaurant? | ||
| This is an episode where I said I was going to stop saying faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I know. | |
| Completely gay. | ||
| So, appropriate. | ||
| We want to thank the Fleshlight once again for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| I'd like to thank the hell out of Flashlight if you're not on a page. | ||
| I'm going to get you one of these. | ||
| I'm going to get you one. | ||
| I got some laying around, son. | ||
| I'm going to get you one of these one. | ||
| I will report back. | ||
| I'll get you one of them blue bitches. | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| It's not Avatar. | ||
| It's not Avatar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the alien one? | |
| Yeah, it's alien. | ||
| But don't be confused. | ||
| Because even though it looks like it'd be from Avatar, that would be some sort of a copyright infringement. | ||
| Oh, is there an Avatar situation? | ||
| Oh, yeah, okay. | ||
| No, there isn't. | ||
| I thought you were saying that. | ||
| So you can't just go selling Avatar pussies, man. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| It's not like public domain. | ||
| That's a new movie, man. | ||
| But somehow or another, they're getting away with this. | ||
| It's probably because Homeboy doesn't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Oh, as soon as he finds out, that's a cease and desist right away. | ||
| He's got so much money. | ||
| Maybe he's not going to give a fuck. | ||
| Maybe he just wants to fuck this. | ||
| Maybe he's happy that they made it, and he's just going to pretend he doesn't know it exists. | ||
| Have his lawyers send me one of them. | ||
| A whole house full of them. | ||
| He's got a room and it's wang. | ||
| I really hope it becomes a Smurf pussy soon when the Smurf movie comes out. | ||
| Is there a Smurf movie coming out? | ||
| Maybe like the Smurf. | ||
| When is that coming out? | ||
| Smurf at 2000? | ||
| I think beginning of the year. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's playing Gargamel 2. | |
| Hank Azaria. | ||
| Is he a human Gargamel? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's a human action movie with 3D CGI. | |
| And they're all blue. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| When is that coming out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It was under really tight wraps. | ||
| They wouldn't let any pictures out of it. | ||
| Somebody got a picture of Hankazaria. | ||
| You go to iSmurfed.com. | ||
| There's more info. | ||
| I'm just waiting for Cowboys and Aliens. | ||
| That's what I'm waiting for, man. | ||
| I am a big Cowboy movie fan, and I'm a big Alien movie fan. | ||
| And thank God someone decided to mix those two together. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Dude, when I went back home to Indianapolis, I don't know, like a few months ago and shit. | ||
| And a bunch of my cousins were there and like, dude, yeah, you know who wrote Joe Rogan, right? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| And they listen to podcasts and all that stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, you ever hear him talk about aliens? | |
| Bro, I fucking laugh for 15 straight minutes. | ||
| Like, no, never. | ||
| I've never heard Joe Rogan once mention aliens. | ||
| Does he talk about that? | ||
| Or I've never heard. | ||
| That's so strange. | ||
| People who are into aliens, man, it's like being into KISS. | ||
| It's like what they're into is their fans. | ||
| You know, it's like people who are into ghosts, too. | ||
| It's the same shit. | ||
| They're fans of ghosts. | ||
| They're fans of the idea of ghosts. | ||
| I think one's a little more realistic. | ||
| Which one's more realistic? | ||
| Ghosts or Kiss. | ||
| No, I was talking about Kiss. | ||
| And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to email Teeb or send him some Twitter love, what is your Twitter? | ||
| It's at the Teeb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
T-H-T. | |
| At the Teeb. | ||
| T-H-E. | ||
|
unidentified
|
T-E-E-B. | |
| T-E-E-B. | ||
| Teeb. | ||
| Teeb. | ||
| As in Jason Tebow. | ||
| So get at him on Twitter, yo. | ||
| You know you want to be following this funny motherfucker. | ||
| He's got shows all around town. | ||
| Follow me, Packy. | ||
| And you can catch him. | ||
| Where are you at next? | ||
| This Tuesday, me and Tripoli, Sam Tripoli, another funny comic, are both going to be co-headlining at Velvet Jones in Santa Barbara. | ||
| So if you're up there, come to that. | ||
| Doesn't he have a next naughty show is December 9th at the Hollywood Improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have Nick Schwartzen, Freddie Lockhart. | |
| Taylor Vixen's going to be there. | ||
| Taylor Vixen. | ||
| Red Ben, why don't you tell us who's going to be there? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Who's that, Brian? | ||
| Today's. | ||
| But yeah, that's December 9th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
December 9th at the Hollywood Improv is the next Naughty Show. | |
| All right. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| The Teeb at Twitter. | ||
| Facebook. | ||
| How do you get a hold of you on Facebook? | ||
| Jason Tebow on Facebook. | ||
| And spell that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
J-A-Y. | |
| Foreign. | ||
| It's extremely foreign. | ||
| J-A-Y. | ||
| S-A-Y-S-O-N. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jason with a Y. And Tebow, T-H-I-B-A-U-L-T. | |
| That is not Teebow. | ||
| Yeah, it's Thiebault. | ||
| It looks like Thiebault. | ||
| It's a French-Canadian nightmare. | ||
| So T-H-I-B-A-U-L-T. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got it. | |
| Motherfuckers have no excuses. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Big New Year show. | ||
| And I'm going to keep talking about this thing because, like I said, we've got to sell this place out. | ||
| Me and Joe Diaz at Mandalay Bay the day before the UFC, January New Year's. | ||
| 31st. | ||
| December 31st. | ||
| December 31st, yeah. | ||
| December 31st. | ||
| And then January 1st is the UFC. | ||
| Obviously, it's New Year's. | ||
| It's December 31st, you fucking dummy. | ||
| Stop talking, stupid. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I'm going to stop talking. | ||
| This is the end of the podcast. | ||
| I love you, bitches. | ||
| Power to the fleshlight. | ||
| Go to joerogan.net, and there's a link. | ||
| If you click on it, you get 15% off. | ||
| Use the code word Rogan. | ||
| Holla at you, boy. | ||
| And we'll see you guys next week. | ||
| Oh, Jason Mayhem Miller's joining us next week. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Mayhem, we're going to have a special one. | ||
| That will be on Monday. | ||
| And then on Tuesday, I'm doing Tom Green's podcast at the Smod Castle in Santa Monica. | ||
| Details to follow, bitches. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| And as we've said in the past, and I'm going to say this again because it rang true with people. | ||
| You are not the past, goddammit. | ||
| You are not your mistakes. | ||
| You are what you've learned and who you can be. | ||
| Move forward. | ||
| With prosperity and power. | ||
| And honesty. | ||
| And black dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And black dicks, you cocksuckers. | |
| Yeah, this is bad for your health. | ||
| Facebook, Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Twitter. | |
| Find me on Friendster. | ||
| Stay black. | ||
| Why we ended with this gay music, Brian. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Don't text me, cocksucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And don't say faggot. | |
| Don't say faggot. |
Export Selection