Joe Rogan and Brian Redban dive into internet origins, debunking Al Gore’s role while mocking climate change profits, then critique conspiracy theories like Behold a Pale Horse as likely disinformation. Rogan questions WTO’s alleged protest violence tactics and U.S. census inefficacy, comparing systemic failures to treason. They contrast NYC’s aggression with Charlotte’s relaxed vibe, pondering urban overpopulation’s psychological toll—like rats in cages—while Rogan jokes about "nipple cancer" from Ari Shafir’s junk food habits. Ending on a mix of comedy plans (improv shows, Vegas gigs) and dark humor (a child’s canoeing tragedy), Rogan muses on tech’s potential to outpace human evolution, framing chaos as part of an unseen cosmic equation. [Automatically generated summary]
The one that was for Netflix that we did in Phoenix.
When I was doing that, I was doing The Man Show, UFC, comedy...
And Fear Factor at the same time.
I was doing all of them at once.
And I was frazzled.
And it was just like, it wasn't my best performance.
Like I wasn't, like when I look at it, I think that I'm like tense.
I'm not like enjoying myself.
So, I think, you know, but that's, that one I consider like that's a moment in time.
Like that, at least it was better than the stuff that I had before, you know.
My first CD I liked some of the bits, but it's like my delivery was kind of fucked up back then.
But now I looked at it, you know, I look at the stuff that's out now, it's like, you know, every now and then someone can like videotape something, like before.
Way before it becomes anything.
You know, like, you'll videotape me just talking shit on stage, and then, you know, it'll become a bit somewhere down the line.
But, you know, by the time someone, if I go to a show somewhere, if they're a fan and they download my shit, they might have already seen the premise.
You know what I mean?
And it might, like, not be as fun for them.
You know, it's like...
So it's like...
You could look at it that it hurts you, but I don't think it does.
I think having stuff out on the internet that people enjoy is always good.
That's the big problem though with everything like now, like TV shows, like Hulu and stuff like that.
They want to share it, they want to do that concept, but they also need to make a profit from it, which is kind of interesting how they have to go about doing it.
Yeah, I think we're experiencing a whole new model.
And I think your attitude about how your fans get your stuff is very important.
It's very important because it represents how you feel as a performer and what you feel the relationship that you have with the audience is.
And if I was this greedy dude that was like, fuck them, they gotta fucking pay, I want my fucking money.
If you really think like that...
These people are just like you.
And be fucking honest, man.
If you were 18 years old and you were broke, you're going to fucking download shit.
You're just going to do it.
It doesn't mean you're not a fan.
I mean, sometimes you're broke.
And I think if you have people...
I think if you have a certain attitude about what you do, and that attitude is that you're just trying to create things...
And you're trying to make money off of it, but really trying to create things that people are going to enjoy.
Like, that's the most important thing.
It's not the making money thing.
It's the money will come if you work and if people enjoy your work.
They're going to support you.
People are going to come to see your shows.
They're going to buy DVDs if they have the money.
If they have the money, like, if I, like, there's a band that I really like, I'll download their shit online, like, on iTunes, and then I'll buy a CD2 to play in my car.
Just because I want to support them.
Just because I really enjoy them.
I could hook my iPod up to my car, but I will spend that money because I want to support them.
Any movie that's good, even if I'm not going to watch the DVD, I buy it.
I always buy it.
If I enjoyed it in the movie theater, I buy it.
And I feel like I'm supporting artists when I do that.
And I feel like that's what people are going to do too.
The internet is a crazy new thing, man.
We're going to get to this weird point where...
See, right now it's just information.
Right now the ability to send information is pretty profound in how our world has changed.
But it's only information right now.
Eventually, it's going to be more than information.
When they come up with...
I was talking to Cliffy B, my friend Cliffy B from Epic Games.
He's the coolest.
Cliffy B is the dude who...
He's like the main man behind Gears of War, the whole series of them, the Unreal games.
Super, super cool dude.
Like a really fun guy.
And he came to my comedy show.
And then we came to the UFC afterwards.
And then we even hung out.
He came to the after party.
And we were talking...
He's a super cool guy.
And we were talking about the ability eventually of making printers that can print up things.
He was talking about 3D models that they can make with these.
But they're going to get to a point, and it's not that far off, where you, say if your mouse breaks, you're going to be able to go to this computer printer thing And you're going to be able to put in the combinations or whatever the fuck you have to say to get a mouse or download a mouse program.
And a mouse is going to fucking appear.
I mean, you're really going to be able to make things with a printer.
You know, and you remember the first printers that were old and clumsy and fucked up and slow, you know, and the ink wasn't that good.
Dude, they have people that sit there and paint veins.
And it's not just veins.
It's these Mexican ladies.
First they wipe this coat and they sit there and they have to stroke it for like an hour and that does under veins so it looks like the veins underneath the skin.
Then they let that dry.
Then they have this person that just does the purple ones, the significant veins.
Like the ones that have the main blood flow to the tip of the dick kind of veins.
It is the most creepiest thing.
You look there and you feel like somebody's getting murdered and you're watching it.
And then when they make a cast, like if they have fucking Ron Jeremy come in there and they're like, alright, we're going to do a chubby dildo this week.
They have to put his dick in this tube, almost like when you ever see a horse, they're trying to get sperm from a horse to make babies or something like that.
They have to jack it off into this tube.
And they had the same thing with how they have to sit there with this plaster, and he can't touch it, and he has to stay hard for five minutes.
And then with the cast, they just have to like put plaster in your fucking vagina and just fucking sit there for five minutes and they pull out this thing and then they don't just play paste hair on it.
They actually have to sew with a thread and needle every single hair on the pussy.
That would be weird, though, because that's what was after in this video I saw, that the porn star that did it, there was a box of his dicks, and he comes up and goes, That's hilarious.
But the fact that anybody takes them seriously after all these fucking kids get molested.
Like, how many kids have to get molested before someone steps in and goes, Oh, maybe these guys aren't directly tied to God.
Like, maybe we've been fooled.
I mean, it's just amazing that a cult can have so much power in 2010 and that nobody wants to call it a cult.
And everybody wants to pretend that there's something sacred about it because it's been around forever.
Like, it's the craziest, most fucked up idea ever.
There was a big discussion about it on our message board and one of the most interesting arguments was So people were saying, you're discounting all the positive work that the Catholic Church does.
But I'm saying anything positive they do, will they do charities?
That's them doing things outside of religion.
That doesn't have anything to do with the fucking religion.
That's just people doing charitable things.
That does not make up for kid fucking.
That does not make up for living a life filled with guilt so that they can control you and keeping you down like a little bitch terrified about every fucking thing you do because you're going to burn in hell.
And anybody who's ever been to Catholic school knows that.
I did a year in Catholic school, man.
And it was like I did a year in jail.
My first grade.
First grade, I went to Catholic school.
Our Lady of Chestochowa in New Jersey.
And this fucking cunt nun.
Sister Mary Josephine.
I was like a pretty happy kid before this happened.
You know, my parents had just broken up and the impact of it hadn't hit me yet.
You know, but I was still in denial.
You know, but I would see my dad still because we were still in New Jersey.
And then, while this was going on, I went to Catholic school for a year, and it was horrifying.
It was brutal, dude.
This nun was such a fucking cunt.
Everything, everything you did, she would just be on you.
She would tell you she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet.
You were going to have to stay overnight.
And she was just this haggard old bitch that nobody loved.
Nobody had fun with her.
Nobody told jokes to her.
She never danced.
She supposedly never fucked.
She wasn't allowed to do shit.
She was just the worst representation of an elderly woman possible.
The best would be a woman who's lived a life of joy and she's just super friendly to everybody because she'd feel so blessed.
And they're like, yeah, well, you have to play along with them.
No, you don't have to play along with them.
Because playing along with them is a concession that what they're saying is legitimate.
Like, they really represent something meaningful.
It's nonsense.
The individuals inside that organization, they represent something meaningful.
They're individuals.
They're just trapped in this web I'm a Catholic.
I was born Catholic.
I'm gonna die Catholic.
You're a fucking human.
Why are you lumping yourself in voluntarily with this gigantic group of people who believe nonsense?
That doesn't make any sense.
And no one's saying that anybody else has the answers.
I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong or I have some information you don't have.
I don't know anything.
You know, I have my own life that I can tell you honestly what I've learned from my experiences and things that I've read that other people have researched, but what do I really know about what the fuck this is and what's next?
Nothing.
And I know as much as anybody, and you know as much as anybody.
There's not a single person who has more of a realistic view of the next phase of existence.
Whether it exists at all, no one knows.
And it doesn't help pretending you do know.
That's what fucks everybody up.
What fucks everybody up is someone that pretends they do know.
Because then, we, with our fucking monkey instincts, just follow that guy.
And we're like, well, he knows.
He knows.
He's so confident.
And this guy, of course he's confident.
All these people are listening to him.
First of all, he's crazy.
And then all these people are listening to him.
And so the more people listen to him, the more he believes his own bullshit.
And the more he really thinks he is special and ordained and there to give the word of the Lord.
And the more delusional they become.
I mean, it's a...
It's a fucking classic Jim Jones pattern.
You know?
I mean, that's what it is.
The idea is completely ridiculous that some guys who don't get pussy have the answers.
Nobody has got the fucking answers, and there should be no ideologies like this.
There should be no predetermined patterns of behavior that are attractive to follow.
Because anything predetermined like that is going to fuck you up.
Because it's not going to give you a realistic map of the world.
You live in your map of the world back when people had very little information.
When Catholicism was created, the map of the world was there was no internet.
There's no exchange of ideas.
There's no pornography available on your fucking iPhone anywhere you look.
There's so many things that are different about that world than about this world.
And so all their crazy nonsense could be easily disproved if somebody tried to start up that religion today.
But it's there.
It's been there forever, so people just fucking stick with it.
It's the weirdest thing ever.
Logically, religion is one of the weirdest things ever.
I know enough to get annoyed, and then when I start researching it more, it becomes more and more kooky, and then I can't take it anymore.
So I only know surface details of all religions.
But all I know about all of them is they're all ideologies.
Anything like that is dangerous.
Anything where you've got older people, where you grow up with these older people that are telling you what you should and shouldn't do.
They don't know.
At best, we exist really well in small tribes.
But I think when people are in small tribes, those small tribes are so important to stay alive.
These people have this intense bond of family.
And I think what happened with human beings is we went from small tribes to gigantic countries so fast, you know, over the course of just a few thousand years.
And I don't think our body...
I don't think our body has separated itself from the fact that we really are all connected.
I think in the small tribes, when they were looking out for each other all the time, it was really like having a giant family.
But we don't feel connected as a country.
I don't feel connected with all the Americans.
That seems ridiculous.
There's 300 million of us.
How can anybody connect to everybody?
Back then they could.
And that's how we're wired.
We're wired for that kind of life.
I think that's why so many people are depressed.
I think people are depressed because the energy in their life is imbalanced because they don't have enough love And companionship in their life.
You know, it's when, you see, it gets tricky not when you praise an object, but when you start shitting on, like, the Kindle and, fuck, the Kindle's dead!
Fucking Kindle faggots.
And then people defend their Kindle and they get crazy.
It's so funny because if you were forced to live your life in front of a computer, And then someone allowed you to go outside, you'd be so happy to go outside.
It's because we're forced to live in reality that the computer life seems so much more interesting.
As a comedian, though, there's never been a better time to be able to promote your gigs.
It's so much better than it's ever been before because, you know, you can get information out there and, you know, you can develop like a whole network of your fans, you know, and on your Twitter page and your message board and people get to know you, like the real you.
It's not like...
In the old days, you would do like an interview, you know, like somebody like Dean Martin or something like that.
unidentified
There was a kid with a bell going, X to X to Joe Rogan at the funny farm!
I mean, is there anything out of particle physics that trickles down to make life more convenient for people?
Anything?
I mean, you're talking about the biggest scientific project in history.
There's 10,000 different scientists from 100 countries.
And it's cost billions and billions of dollars.
And I'm not criticizing it.
And don't get me wrong, because somebody said something about this, like, how could you attack science?
You know, they're trying, they're doing what they're trying.
I'm so not criticizing.
I am not on one side or the other.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with them doing this.
I'm just completely fascinated by it.
I am so fascinated by the idea that they're trying to recreate the conditions right after the Big Bang and that's what they're looking for and that's why they're doing this.
I mean, when things get really wonky is when they really figure out how to crack time.
When they figure out how to travel through time, you know, and there's been like, there's a model that this fucking, this scientist, I think his name was Kurt Gordell.
It was like one of those O's with the double O, what is that called?
Anyway, he was this guy who figured out that you have to take a cylinder half the size of the solar system and spinning it at the speed of light, you have to cross its...
I don't remember exactly what the fuck the formula was for it.
But if you did that, if you actually created this thing that was half the size of the solar system, moving it at the speed of light, somehow or another you actually could go back in time.
It is possible.
Like, what the fuck?
What if they figure out something along those lines?
Because the thing about people is we're not going to be satisfied with just a Large Hadron Collider.
It's not like they're going to figure this out, they're going to create the Higgs-Boson particle, and they're going to go, well, here, we got it, you know, we did create the God particle, and we know that it's real.
No, there's going to be another thing.
They're going to try to get crazy.
We think we can make a black hole.
Well, if you think you can make a black hole, let's not do it.
Well, we don't know if we can make a black hole, and we think it'll go away really quickly.
You know, a thought I like a lot that we talked about recently, I always keep on going back to thinking, is like how, what if all this crazy, because lately I have had a lot of crazy stuff go on in my life, and I was like, what if me and you in the future, like iPhone 50, are changing the past?
You know, like, hey, what do you want this month?
You know what I mean?
Like, we're creating our own past using technology.
Because, like, lately it just seems like, all right, this is like a, because a lot of the stuff that's happened to me, it seems like, it's so insane that, like, I'm waiting for reality show cameras to come out.
You know, I have often thought that there's a path that you're supposed to live in life and that path will sort of illuminate itself to you as you go along the way as long as you pay attention to your instincts.
You know, and I think a big part of that path is like your attitude in life and how you view things and how you feel about yourself and how you feel about life.
It's like, you have to really be a positive person.
You have to really be disciplined so you don't feel like you're slacking off on all the things that you should be working on.
And there's like, There's a certain balance.
There's a certain guiltiness that you feel when you don't work hard enough at something and that's there for a reason.
It's not necessary.
You can get that out of your life just by doing what you're supposed to do and it feels better and you don't feel like you're self-defeating in the process.
I think there's a path to life, dude.
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You might think it's being controlled by us in the future using technology?
But I think what's more likely is that every person, sort of as ridiculous as this sounds, that every person sort of fits into a piece in this world.
And that this world, everything about it, from bottled water to fucking space shuttles, that it's all connected.
And that it really is, even though it seems like life, like we think of it as just life, that's what we've labeled it.
Oh, here's life on the world.
Here's all these people going about their day.
Here's, you know, a boat on the water.
We think about it like that.
But really, all these things in this life, everything, they all have a value.
They all have a position.
They all have a purpose.
And it really is like what we're living in is we're living in a gigantic mathematical equation.
And I think that that's what all human life, animal life, wind and fucking earthquakes and everything, I think it's all a part of this insane mathematical...
Equation.
And that chaos in life and earthquakes and meteor impacts, these are all built into this equation.
This is how the system works.
This is how the system works.
It seems like this crazy randomness, this fury of nature and birth and death and sexuality and creativity.
Why was my childhood so bad?
Why was I raised in a wealthy family and now I'm lazy?
All these different things, they all play like a little part in this giant fucking equation.
It's just so big we can't see it.
And so crazy and alien because it is us.
Because it is the world we live in.
It's almost impossible for us to really see the big picture.
I think that's very possible.
Very possibly what we're doing in this world.
I think all of us are living a giant mathematical equation.
And I think it probably has something to do with technology.
I mean, no one treats that like it's a serious possibility because it's a subject of Terminator movies.
But if you looked at what's going on, you would see that technology is Increasing at a much faster rate of evolution than human beings.
And if essentially what we're capable of doing as a human being is make calculations and move and make decisions and, you know, and have moral code and a judgment in your mind, I mean, you could fucking program a religion into a computer and it would actually follow it.
You could give a computer a personality.
You could force a computer to react a certain way to different things.
Then you figure out a way to put a computer so small that you put it in an artificial body that you've created with your fucking computer.
And the next thing you know, you have computers making life and that life is a computer and that computer is living its own version of this mathematical program.
That's just as possible as us being a part of a mathematical program.
It's all very possible that we are here to create technology and that our whole society is geared towards creating technology.
The fact that like in China, do you know how fucked up the pollution is in China?
It's insane.
They have this one city, I forget what it is, I think VBS TV did a documentary on it.
This one city where it's so bad there that just breathing the air is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.
There's some cheeseheads out there that are not doing anything special, but there's a few like, that's another thing, that movie that I said, Crazy Heart, what's the guy's name?
Jeff Bridges?
Jeff Bridges, that's another guy.
He's the big Lebowski.
I mean, he's just, he's an amazing actor.
He's one of those dudes who just, he gets into that fucking role, man.
He does it.
So, so we should answer some questions or something?
When Twitter first came out, Ellen tweeted like, hey, go to this bus stop if you want to be on the show, but you have to dress up as a superhero.
Hurry!
And I was at the stoplight right next to that bus stop.
So I pull over and I'm fucking like looking through my car trying to find, I had like some laundry in there, I had some clothes and a back pillow and I found all these blue things and I dressed up all in blue and I put this neck pillow on my head and I got in the bus stop and I was on the Ellen Show as Dr. Manhattan.
And one of the funniest things though was I took a sleeve of a blue coat and I put through my zipper and I tied it at the end and put some socks in it and stuff like that.
So it looked like I had this big wavy dick and nobody even saw it.
Like they didn't even understand that that's what it was.
But if you watch it knowing that I'm coming out on L and they're like, let's introduce Dr. Mr. Manhattan or whatever.
I'll put it at redband.com or twitter backslash redband.com redband.com I don't get Joe's philosophy of thinking that seeing the pyramids on TV is the same as real life.
Oh man, I don't think it's the same as real life.
I'm just saying if there's only a few things I could do before I died, that wouldn't be my choice.
I'd be okay without seeing it.
I would like to see it.
One of the reasons why I haven't done it is because, first of all, I don't have much time.
I travel so much for work.
I don't really have that much time to travel outside of work.
It's not fun for me.
It's like I'm traveling...
All the time.
So an extra trip to Egypt doesn't sound exciting to me.
And then the other part about it is that it's not that safe over there.
It's tricky.
I don't want to have to sweat shit.
I saw the only ruins I've ever seen were in Mexico.
I saw the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza, which is pretty humbling, man.
And it's really fascinating to stand there And I do agree that there's a big difference between standing there in person and checking these things out than watching a video or seeing it in pictures.
Standing there in person was pretty flabbergasting.
But all I'm saying is I don't need to go to Egypt.
I would like to, yes, but I don't need to.
I could be okay without doing it.
But I'm not saying that it's the same thing.
Certainly not.
But you can learn a lot of things about certain places and really experience how amazing and beautiful they are just from DVDs.
You really don't have to fucking...
You don't have to go to the Congo.
The Congo is so fucking dangerous.
Everything there is trying to kill you.
Everything there.
They got ants there that kill elephants.
What?
Did you hear me, son?
They got ants that kill elephants.
They climb up the fucking elephant.
Go into his ear and start eating his brain while he's alive.
And they do that in surges.
They have these little monster ants that climb inside and eat their fucking brain.
And they're responsible for way more deaths in Africa than any of the other things.
Ants kill everything, man.
They kill everything.
There's some monster, crazy, scary ants in Africa.
And that's not even...
Fuck all that.
What about the spiders that act as a team?
There's no spiders anywhere in the world that act in packs except the Congo.
And they don't even know why.
But fucking deers get trapped in these little tiny spider webs.
Deers get trapped.
These tiny spiders swarm on it like a hundred at once and fuck them up.
They make these giant ass fucking webs.
They realize that they're small, and in order to survive and stay alive, they have to jack bigger shit.
So they fucking teamed up.
They get birds.
They get all kinds of shit.
It's fucking nuts, man.
It is nuts.
And that's just spiders.
What about the fucking snakes?
There's all kinds of fucking snakes in the Congo.
There's a chimpanzee in the Congo that's six feet tall, and they walk upright sometimes.
They're called Bondo apes.
It sounds retarded.
It sounds totally ridiculous because nobody ever tells you about it.
But they have photographs of these things.
They got pictures of a dead one.
They have different bone samples.
Like they've confirmed this is an actual real animal.
It has a crest on its head like a gorilla does.
So it's a different animal.
It's a different species of chimpanzee.
That's much larger, and they call them lion killers.
That's what the locals call them.
And they have fucking observed, scientists observed and photographed them eating a dead jaguar.
They don't know if they killed a jaguar, but what the fuck?
When I heard how much money Al Gore's made from climate research, Now I'm like, what?
Al Gore has made an assload of money based on the idea that we are warming the earth with our bullshit.
And we may very well be.
I don't know, man.
But I do know that people get nutty about that issue.
That's one of those weird issues.
Those right-left issues are so strange.
Where people just start spouting out shit and they haven't really done the research yet.
You know, like there's a good video.
The same guy that did this video with Sarah Palin.
I don't remember the dude's name.
I'm going to find out though.
But he did a video where he went to a Sarah Palin book signing and then asked these people, like, you know, what do you feel about, you know, Sarah Palin?
What really gets you excited about, you know...
About her stance on the issues.
And no one knew a fucking thing.
No one had any idea what, you know, they were just like, she's just like those.
She stands for, you know, down-home values.
And I think she's the best thing going.
She's getting back to real people.
Like, they're just saying nonsense.
And you realize that people don't have to fucking...
They don't have to, you know, make sense.
They just have to have a bunch of people thinking they make sense.
That's all you really need to have.
But this guy, he did it with the Tea Party people too.
I don't know fucking dude's name.
But he made this video and it was just genius shit, man.
You know, people just...
Everybody just...
They just take a side that their team takes.
You know what I mean?
And it's like this us versus them nonsense.
It's just so crazy when it comes to global warming, when it comes to healthcare.
Everyone has a very typical and predictable stance on things.
Very rarely do people stray outside the either or ideologies, left or right.
I hate when people ask me, a Democrat or Republican, like, what are you talking about?
It's a nonsense game.
It's all nonsense.
There's no fucking Democrats and there's no Republicans.
Just stop it.
It's all nonsense.
It's been nonsense since the beginning.
It's a bunch of fucking red tape and fucking just complications.
It's a bunch of shit piled up together to control either or.
You know, the idea that there really are Democrats and there really...
I mean, look at what Obama's doing.
He's doing the exact same shit Bush did.
He's doing a little, a few things different socially.
You know, the don't ask, don't tell.
But when you win the Nobel Peace Prize, you still send 30,000 more people to a war that nobody wants.
I mean, do they really know more than everybody else that we need to be there?
It is, but I mean, do you think that it's, is it possible to do anything about it?
I think if it is, the way you're going to do something about it is not necessarily, it's influencing people with thought and changing these people's opinions before they get into this terrible situation of doing fucked up things that are not benefiting the people.
You have to affect them.
You have to let them know that they're not going to live forever.
If there was a movie from the 80s with Bill Murray in it, some sort of a parody, that would be the right-wing, rah-rah fucking truth organization.
That would be the network that they would make fun of.
In a parody movie.
And that's what's really going on, man.
In a parody movie there would be some really hot blonde chick who was mean as fuck.
You know, like all those hot blonde chicks on Fox News, they all look like they have this mean face.
You know, they're hot as fuck, but they got this, like, they'll fucking yell at you, man.
You know what I mean?
They'll, when they interrogate dudes on the show, when they, you know, like, give people a hard time on the show, when they cut people off, like, they're like these stern, right-wing, like, Aryan, blue-eyed, hot bitches, you know?
And that's perfect for, like, a Bill Murray movie.
And those chicks would be real horny and somebody would be fucking them and they'd be screaming out Nazi shit or something.
I mean, that would be in the movie.
I mean, they really are.
It really is life is like a movie.
Life is as ridiculous as a movie.
More!
Almost unbelievable, right?
I mean, when you think about a plot in a movie that is predictable and annoys you, life is way more wacky than that.
The Ted Haggard thing where that guy's the religious guy who gets caught doing gay sex and crystal meth.
The fucking John Edwards thing where he gets busted and his wife is dying and he's out having this baby with this other woman.
We're all just living until our bodies shut off and we don't even address it.
We don't even stop and really think about it.
On Oprah, everybody wants to tell you how you can better decorate your living room with fucking Feng Shui.
The current consciousness of our culture is not at all Focused on the really big questions.
Like the really freaky fucking questions.
Like the fact that how little we think about space, you know?
The little we think about the fact that at any time some crazy shit can happen and there could be a hypernova in the next galaxy and we'd be wiped out instantly.
Like this is all real and random and easily can happen.
Imagine, instead of comedy nights, you have campfire night, where you're in the middle of a campfire, you all bring your tents and you all hang out and smoke weed and do mushrooms, and you're in the middle, just like doing what you're doing now, or stand-up kind of, but kind of like a mellow-talking campfire guy.
You know, kind of like have jobs like us where, you know, where it's like comics and people that aren't working 9 to 5. Well, the people that are in your circle.
You know what's really hard about it is the hours.
They want you to work crazy hours.
I mean, and the way they would put it to me, though, when I first got the job there, they were saying, you know what, a lot of you guys, you're going to go to school and, you know, you're going to try to make a living and you're going to realize it's a hard job force out there.
You know, it's hard to get jobs.
You look at Mikey over there.
He's been working here for 10 years.
He doesn't bust his ass.
He sits down in a nice car all day and he makes $60,000 a year.
Okay?
That's real money.
That's what they said to me.
And I was sitting there going, oh my god, do you know how many hours that guy works?
He doesn't have a life.
He gave away his whole life for $60,000 a year.
This fucking guy was literally no bullshit working 16 hours every day.
He was always there.
And I looked at him and I was like, okay, you got tricked, son.
You're doing the wrong thing, man.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
But, you know, that ain't easy, man.
If you got a job, if you're only doing it for a few hours a day, you know, if you're doing it like a regular job, it ain't bad, really.
If you have good clients, you know, what are you doing?
You're sitting down, you're driving.
That's no big deal.
But they want you to work crazy hours.
I was doing 40 hours a week, and they were mad at me.
They wanted me to put in more hours.
Like, I'd work eight hours.
I would work eight hours, and I would want to go home.
And then we're going, 8 hours is nothing.
Mikey, there's 12, and he's still waiting for his next cup.
And he'll be like, well, fuck Mikey, and fuck you.
I worked 8 hours.
Get me out of here, stupid.
I don't want any more hours.
I got work to do.
I had a gig at some fucking bar, you know, one of these comedy things, and I had to leave work for the gig.
And when I was there, on the way there, they switched the gigs.
Like, they said, oh, we're going to send you to this one instead.
Like, there was like a, I think it was probably Boston Comedy at the time.
There was like a booking agency.
And they had a bunch of these little gigs, you know, like in weird little places.
You'd drive like an hour and a half, and it was like a little sports bar, and they'd have a little stage, and you would go on stage.
And sometimes they would switch you, like say, hey, this guy's going to go with him because he doesn't have a car, so why don't you go to this place instead?
So that's what I did.
And so this asshole called up the fucking bar where I was supposed to be, because he asked me, like, you're leaving now?
I'm like, I got a gig.
So he calls up the fucking bar.
And then the next day he says, you lying motherfucker.
You told me you were working.
Dude, I worked eight hours.
And yeah, I had to tell him the whole story to keep my job.
I worked all week, all day, all week, exhausted at the end of every day, just so tired, pushing a lawnmower in the hot sun and digging holes for people and doing whatever the fuck they want you to do.
It's labor, you know?
And this motherfucker didn't give a shit.
Like, I couldn't imagine that.
I couldn't imagine having someone work for me and having them do all this stuff and then treating them like shit.
Like, you know, you don't even fucking deserve this.
One of the coolest times ever after a show once, back at the old Laugh Stop in Houston, this was right when the Blair Witch Project came out, and these kids came to the show, and then after they came to the show, we all went out and we watched Blair Witch at the theater.
It was really late at night, because the show at the Laugh Stop was like, 11 o'clock at night and it went on to like 1.30.
So it was like 2 o'clock in the morning by the time we get out and these kids opened up the theater and turned it on and did everything just for us.
So it was like me and them and you know my friend Chris McGuire and like one other guy from the comedy club and we all watched Blair Witch and this fucking movie theater.
But unless it's like that, I don't give predictions.
And those fights don't occur in the UFC. The UFC fights, 99% of them, I'm like...
Hmm.
I'm like, what the fuck is going to happen here with this?
I can see a lot of scenarios taking place.
And neither one of them is definite, for sure.
So I would never say, this guy's going to do this.
And when I hear guys, especially guys that have never fought in anything before, they're just sports broadcaster type dudes, and they're talking shit about fighters, and like, this guy doesn't belong in there with them, and it's going to be...
You know, easy work for that guy and, you know, I look for him to knock him out in the first round.
Like, what are you talking about?
You're just making some crazy prediction about what the fuck is going to happen in a fight between two skilled men that are more than capable of smashing each other.
You zig when you should have zagged.
BAM! Somebody cracks one, the knees give out, and you got a flashlight in your face when you wake up.
That shit is normal.
That's par for the course.
That happens all the time.
I mean, people who never thought they were going to get knocked out, get knocked out.
It happens all the time.
People get submitted when they were winning easily.
You know, guys who no one ever thought would get submitted.
That dude in the WEC recently got submitted.
Karen Darabedian, I think his name is.
Badass fucking grappler.
And he fucked up.
He left an arm in there and this dude took his arm bar.
But if you watch it with some friends that are funny...
It's a genius, geniusly bad movie.
Apparently they have screenings in Hollywood, and they play that movie, and people get there and they quote the words, because everyone knows the words, and it's like a sort of Rocky Horror Picture thing.
He was a dude that was on my message board from the beginning, really.
I can't remember when he was never there.
I mean, I don't remember a time.
There was one time where he took off for a while, and I called him at home.
I got his information from somebody.
I called him at home, and I found out that his brother had...
Died recently, and he had some real serious family issues.
He was very depressed.
I talked to him, and it was nice to know that he was okay physically, but he was real sad.
Then he came back and eventually became his old self again, and he was just one of the funniest posters, man.
Dude was so quick.
Really witty, and apparently, according to his wife, he had always wanted to be a stand-up comedian.
And that's one of the reasons why he liked to hang out on my board, because he got the chance to really be an online comedian.
I mean, that's a real thing now.
We've talked about this before.
There are dudes, and message boards are like their comedy stage.
You're a good example of that.
I consider you, I mean you've done stand-up comedy a few times, but I consider you like an internet comedian because you make these little videos that are funny and you put them up on the internet.
Well the problem is you spend so much time, like five hours, you're spending a ton of hours, Just so you can get three to five minutes in front of eight people.
I could spend the same amount of time making video that thousands will see.
So it's like, why would I want to do it on stage when I could do the same thing on the internet and get 50 million times more people seeing it?
Right, and then eventually, like I said with the Ari thing, if you get enough people to see your shit on the internet, you can develop an internet community, and then you can go do a show somewhere.
And that's the kind of shit that Ari really needs to take advantage of.
Because Ari has a name.
I mean, he's been opening up for me for years.
Thousands of people have seen him because of that.
And then he's been on the Jim Norton show, Down and Dirty with Jim Norton.
And he's got a lot of clips on the internet.
And he's been on Opie and Anthony with me a bunch of times.
He was on the last time when I was there.
So he's got enough stuff happening that he should have a community.
It's just a matter of putting it together.
That's why it's so much better now than it's ever been before.
You know, for comedians.
And my message board is one of the best parts about it.
And this dude, Outlaw, was one of the best parts about my message board.
He was a great guy.
He was really funny.
And he was just...
We got a chance to hang out with him in real life a few times.
Once way back in Houston, way, way back in the day.
Yeah, that is one of the cool things about the message board is like, you know, we have like these online friends.
You know, they really are online friends.
Some of them you never meet.
Some of them, they just exist online.
And as long as your personality is cool and you're friendly and you're funny, You know, you eventually get into the whole mix there.
And that's what's encouraged funniness and personality and openness and the idea that you don't have to fucking get in fights with everybody you talk to online and that if you do say something to somebody, it better be funny.
If you're going to be a douche about something, it should be really funny.
And it's nice to have something like that.
It's nice to get a chance to meet cool people that I probably would never meet in real life, like you, or like Outlaw, or like Tony Z. There's a lot of people, man.
There's a lot of people that we've met online, Bad Bobby.
There's really cool guys that I look forward to seeing.
When I'm in town and I see them, it's fun to hang with.
Yeah, there's something to be said definitely for that.
There's definitely something to be said that it's not natural to live stacked 70 people on top of each other.
They've done like those population density studies with rats and they've found that if they have a certain amount of rats in a box everyone's cool but the more rats you add to the box the more fucked up behavior starts manifesting.
A lot of them become neurotic.
They start tweaking and some of them become nutty and they sit by themselves and shake.
They develop all this nutty sensory overload shit because there's too many rats.
They start attacking each other and getting violent.
You know, comedy, a lot of it is based on enthusiasm, and I think if I did every night I had to do five nights a week, I don't think I would be as enthusiastic.
I like little days off sometimes and a weekend off here, and it gets the juices all fired up, and that's the best way to try to create new material, too.
You can't create new material if you're always, you know, doing long headline sets all the time.
I think the better way to do it is to just, you know, really sit down, try to break out some new ideas, and then just go up and try them on their own.
You know?
I used to introduce them to bits, but sometimes, you know, introduce them like in the middle of bits, and I still do that sometimes, but I think maybe the best way to do it is just go on stage like some crappy open mic night or something like that, you know?
I think I'm going to do that at the improv.
The idea is a new shit show.
Do a show real cheap so that the club gets something.
Like five bucks or something like that.
And then just work on all new material.
Not even have an opening act.
Nothing.
Just me go up.
For like an hour and a half or something like that.
I'm thinking about doing that.
That might be a good move.
I want to try all sorts of different stuff to come up with new material.
I mean, you can only get in the isolation tank so many times.
No, you know, another thing that would freak me out is that's how that VBS.TV show about the Arctic, remember there was that one dude, I think his name was Hindmo, and he lives in Alaska, in northeast Alaska.
Their daughter fell off the boat when she was two years old.
They were living up there in the fucking Yukon or whatever the hell it is up there.
Last time Stanhope and I talked, he wanted to do it and I wanted to do it.
I think that would be awesome.
Have an end of the world show.
And then the real end of the world would be that the world wouldn't end.
Have you ever read the book Behold a Pale Horse?
Yeah, I think it's a great conspiracy book, Death Rock Dance.
I thought it was a bad book.
I thought that guy sounds like he's a nut.
Sounds like either he's crazy or he's like a disinformation guy.
And there are people, without a doubt, who are paid to say things that seem like nonsense.
And say those nonsense things along with things that do make sense and are true and real.
And thereby, the nonsense discredits the real information.
So, you know, if someone says, like, did you know that, you know, the government did this in 1970?
And then you can go, oh, really?
Where'd you read that?
Well, I read it from William Cooper's book.
Is that the guy that believes there's alien bases on the moon that are watching us and that there's information that they have given us?
Oh, come on, man.
That guy sounds like a loon.
He sounds fucking crazy.
He's a guy that also said that the driver is the one who killed Kennedy.
He believes that the driver turned around and shot Kennedy.
And he could clearly see it in a pruder film.
Like, he's nuts.
He says shit that's so nutty, I have to believe...
There's one or two options.
Either he's completely out of his fucking mind and people just believed him, or he's a plant.
He's a guy that they hired to distribute disinformation, to make things and theories appear ridiculous.
It's very possible that he's that.
There's definitely people that do that.
There's people that have admitted that the government hires people to blog, hires people to go online and post on message boards and to bait issues.
You know, anytime anything specific comes up, you know, they have guys that they'll send On that issue if they believe that this is causing dissent and some sort of a meme of consciousness that they can avoid.
They'll attack it.
They'll try to discredit things.
I mean, it's pretty standard.
They would have to do that.
They've got to realize how big the internet is.
You hear all that fucking hard drive noise my computer's making?
The government is only out to protect itself from the rest of us.
I wonder if he's being serious.
Some people really think like that.
The government has to do that because otherwise people would overthrow the government.
It's just the whole idea, and you're not supposed to say this, but the whole idea that everybody should have a say in how the world works is ridiculous.
There's just too many dummies out there.
And there's no way to stop that.
We have kind of bypassed nature.
It's not only a strong survive anymore, it's everybody survives.
It's like, no matter what, we try to keep you going.
You can be the dumbest motherfucker ever and we try to keep you going.
That didn't always used to be the case.
And I think because it is the case, it's just way too many dummies.
A regular democracy just isn't going to work.
I think that's one of the reasons why the government's completely full of shit and why there's just such a cash grab at the top and why, you know, why they still push war and why they still...
Because they know.
They know that there's no way this fucking system is supposed to be working.
You would think that in a society in 2010 that someone who literally doesn't read at all, you would find out about that and be like, get that crazy bitch out of here.
It was just stuff on these people that were paid to disrupt peaceful protests.
They would hire cops to go in and dress up as people with ski masks on and start smashing cars and shit.
And he documents it all and really fucking exposes the shit out of it.
And apparently it's a common tactic.
And that's why, you know, whenever there's a demonstration anywhere that's ever anything important, ever involving world leaders, there's always a violence in these demonstrations.
Even if the people that are into this idea are completely non-violent.
You know, even if it's Buddhists, you know, against, you know, fucking something that's happening in China.
And only Buddhists show up and protest, real Buddhists.
Still, someone will be smashing windows and some shit will happen while they have to bring in cops.
And the reason why is because they do that.
They do that to make a nonviolent protest, a violent one, so they can break it up.
I mean, that's real shit.
The government's been doing that forever.
That is so fucking corrupt.
So wrong on so many levels and yet you never even hear about it.
They throw people in jail left and right for not paying their taxes.
When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a provocateur?
When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a professional anarchist?
For being someone who gets hired to go up and cause chaos?
And create, you know, create drama so they can have an excuse.
That shit should be, that's like fucking treason.
That really is.
That's like, that's like slavery.
Like you're, you are faking shit and fucking shit up and people are gonna get locked in a cage because of you.
Because of what you did.
You've taken away their freedom.
Even temporarily, some of them are actually gonna go to jail for long periods of time.
Because you're gonna create trumped up charges of violence on them.
Because it's some shit that you guys caused.
That's tyranny.
That really is treason.
That's a person who should not be allowed to be an American.
You know, you are corrupting everything that's great about what America's supposed to stand for.
Well, not only that, you get so accustomed to having that person in your life.
We addict to each other.
That's why people get so terrified when people want to break up.
People get terrified.
They're like, I'm addicted to you and my life will be hell if you leave.
And that's really what it's like.
Sometimes people obsess on relationships for long periods of time, but God, so much more Often, when the relationship is over, you feel so much better once it levels out.
Well, you were involved in a situation where, I mean, I don't know how much you want to talk about it, but you were involved in a situation where you felt like the person you were with wasn't very happy.
It's also, there's a problem too in having a relationship with someone sometimes who's really struggling and you're not like, you know, you don't have to get up at a specific time every day.
Well, that seems like it's a problem with my whole life now because now most people have nine to five jobs and it's really hard to think that like, oh, this person doesn't Well, a 9 to 5 that you enjoy is not that bad.
Those people are usually fairly fun, or at least fairly happy.
But a 9 to 5 that you hate, that's hard sauce, man.
That's hard sauce to swallow.
It gets to a point where too much of a percentage of your day is Pushed into the negative zone and you start dragging that negativity.
It's not like you can just shut it off at the end of the day and all of a sudden be super positive.
You're kind of beaten down by a boring ass day and at the end of the week you get this paycheck and it's like $300 and you're like, what?
$300?
They take the taxes out and that's what you got left.
You gave us your whole week and we give you $300.
And you don't like it, you know?
And you're uncomfortable physically, you know?
It's like, there's so many issues that people have to go through.
It's fucking hard, man.
But I don't think there's any other solution, you know?
I mean, everyone can't really figure it out and find some job that they truly love.
There's going to be people that are in jobs that they don't like.
Because if they're not, there's...
I mean, we need to keep this fucking society rolling, you know?
There's a lot of shit that you don't want to do.
There's a lot of shit that I don't want to do.
It's going to have to get done if we want to have a society like this.
Unless we develop robots.
I mean, is that the future?
Where robots do all the jobs that suck?
And then the only people that are left are what?
The creators?
The people that create things?
What the fuck becomes of it?
Craftsmen, artists, creatives, doctors, engineers, scientists, people that create new computers and fix the stuff that we have, technicians, and then what else?
Then you don't need Burger King workers anymore.
That's going to get to a point where that's going to be the case.
I think until you start concentrating on why the fuck are we in Iraq and Afghanistan, until we address that, I'm not going to address how many people there are.
Alright, a couple more questions, then we'll just get the fuck out of here, ladies and gentlemen, because this has been almost two hours as of right now.
Um...
unidentified
There's a lot of weird questions here, you strange motherfuckers.
Yeah, we've done no engineering, but you know what?
I don't think that's important.
I think what's important is the things I like most when I listen to Opie and Anthony or Bubba the Love Sponge or anything like that is when they're in the middle of a conversation and it's an interesting conversation and I enjoy The point of views and the arguments and the disagreements and the revelations that these guys have.
I like shows like that.
That's what I want to hear.
I don't really care if it's produced well.
That's all nonsense to me.
I just want to listen to people be honest and I want to see if I think the way they think or if I can learn something from the way they think.
I'm going to try to do that.
So we're going to do that and I'm right about to do a deal to, it's not been totally finalized, but almost, real close, where I'm going to write a book.
So I'm in the middle of doing that too.
Get that shit cranking.
I've been writing for a while, but now it's like the deal's actually finalized and it's taken a form.
It's going to be difficult and I'm going to try to update my website with more little quick videos and shit because it'll be harder to just keep writing things over and over and over again.
So the next show I've got is this weekend.
I'm doing the Kevin and Beans April Foolishness at the Universal Amphitheater or some shit like that.