April 3, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:00:29
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Start the broadcast. | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| You've gotten really good at this, Joe. | ||
| I'm a goddamn wizard at this shit now, son. | ||
| I know exactly how to do it. | ||
| I get that shit up and running. | ||
| Very great. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... | ||
| This has got to be like our 12th real podcast. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I can't believe I've kept it up this long. | ||
| And it's all because of you fuckers. | ||
| I haven't figured that yet. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| It's all because of you people. | ||
| Positive energy that I get from you guys and all the people that I run into on the road that say they love the podcast. | ||
| Keeps me doing it, so we're going to keep doing it. | ||
| It's fun as fuck. | ||
| It's on iTunes now. | ||
| You can get it on iTunes. | ||
| I think it's just Joe Roman Podcast. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one that has the most ones. | ||
| There's a couple other ones that other people have created, but this is the real one. | ||
| There's also people that have noticed that have taken straight up bits and put it on iTunes and put it underneath a podcast name. | ||
| You might want to get on. | ||
| I don't know if you care. | ||
| You know, my attitude about the internet is always that the internet, you know, you can't... | ||
| Can't put any energy into trying to take your shit down, especially as a comedian. | ||
| It's inconvenient sometimes. | ||
| I go places and people have already seen bits that aren't out on anything yet, and they've seen it because somebody YouTubed it. | ||
| Stanhope has a whole bit about how people will put your shit on YouTube when it's not done. | ||
| The way Stanhope works and the way I work, we both work real similar in that. | ||
| We have an idea and it's never totally done. | ||
| You keep adding to it and tweaking it. | ||
| And then when you put it on a recording, at least there it's kind of done. | ||
| But oftentimes I'll put something on a recording and then a week afterwards or two weeks or even a month later, I have a better tagline. | ||
| So before the things even on television, I have a new, better way to do it. | ||
| But somebody once said to me that you've got to look at stand-up comedy as every performance is just capturing a moment in time. | ||
| Which is true once you've got some good stuff out there. | ||
| But it's not true if you don't have anything good out there. | ||
| So if you don't like... | ||
| Until like Shiny Happy Jihad, I was not happy with any of my stuff. | ||
| I would do it and I was like, oh... | ||
| Like when I did that 2005, the one that's just called Joe Rogan Live... | ||
| The one that's out of print? | ||
| No, the one that was for Netflix. | ||
| The one that was for Netflix that we did in Phoenix. | ||
| When I was doing that, I was doing The Man Show, UFC, comedy... | ||
| And Fear Factor at the same time. | ||
| I was doing all of them at once. | ||
| And I was frazzled. | ||
| And it was just like, it wasn't my best performance. | ||
| Like I wasn't, like when I look at it, I think that I'm like tense. | ||
| I'm not like enjoying myself. | ||
| So, I think, you know, but that's, that one I consider like that's a moment in time. | ||
| Like that, at least it was better than the stuff that I had before, you know. | ||
| My first CD I liked some of the bits, but it's like my delivery was kind of fucked up back then. | ||
| But now I looked at it, you know, I look at the stuff that's out now, it's like, you know, every now and then someone can like videotape something, like before. | ||
| Way before it becomes anything. | ||
| You know, like, you'll videotape me just talking shit on stage, and then, you know, it'll become a bit somewhere down the line. | ||
| But, you know, by the time someone, if I go to a show somewhere, if they're a fan and they download my shit, they might have already seen the premise. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it might, like, not be as fun for them. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| You could look at it that it hurts you, but I don't think it does. | ||
| I think having stuff out on the internet that people enjoy is always good. | ||
| That's the big problem though with everything like now, like TV shows, like Hulu and stuff like that. | ||
| They want to share it, they want to do that concept, but they also need to make a profit from it, which is kind of interesting how they have to go about doing it. | ||
| Yeah, I think we're experiencing a whole new model. | ||
| And I think your attitude about how your fans get your stuff is very important. | ||
| It's very important because it represents how you feel as a performer and what you feel the relationship that you have with the audience is. | ||
| And if I was this greedy dude that was like, fuck them, they gotta fucking pay, I want my fucking money. | ||
| If you really think like that... | ||
| These people are just like you. | ||
| And be fucking honest, man. | ||
| If you were 18 years old and you were broke, you're going to fucking download shit. | ||
| You're just going to do it. | ||
| It doesn't mean you're not a fan. | ||
| I mean, sometimes you're broke. | ||
| And I think if you have people... | ||
| I think if you have a certain attitude about what you do, and that attitude is that you're just trying to create things... | ||
| And you're trying to make money off of it, but really trying to create things that people are going to enjoy. | ||
| Like, that's the most important thing. | ||
| It's not the making money thing. | ||
| It's the money will come if you work and if people enjoy your work. | ||
| They're going to support you. | ||
| People are going to come to see your shows. | ||
| They're going to buy DVDs if they have the money. | ||
| If they have the money, like, if I, like, there's a band that I really like, I'll download their shit online, like, on iTunes, and then I'll buy a CD2 to play in my car. | ||
| Just because I want to support them. | ||
| Just because I really enjoy them. | ||
| I could hook my iPod up to my car, but I will spend that money because I want to support them. | ||
| Any movie that's good, even if I'm not going to watch the DVD, I buy it. | ||
| I always buy it. | ||
| If I enjoyed it in the movie theater, I buy it. | ||
| And I feel like I'm supporting artists when I do that. | ||
| And I feel like that's what people are going to do too. | ||
| The internet is a crazy new thing, man. | ||
| We're going to get to this weird point where... | ||
| See, right now it's just information. | ||
| Right now the ability to send information is pretty profound in how our world has changed. | ||
| But it's only information right now. | ||
| Eventually, it's going to be more than information. | ||
| When they come up with... | ||
| I was talking to Cliffy B, my friend Cliffy B from Epic Games. | ||
| He's the coolest. | ||
| Cliffy B is the dude who... | ||
| He's like the main man behind Gears of War, the whole series of them, the Unreal games. | ||
| Super, super cool dude. | ||
| Like a really fun guy. | ||
| And he came to my comedy show. | ||
| And then we came to the UFC afterwards. | ||
| And then we even hung out. | ||
| He came to the after party. | ||
| And we were talking... | ||
| He's a super cool guy. | ||
| And we were talking about the ability eventually of making printers that can print up things. | ||
| That's really what's going to happen eventually. | ||
| That's already kind of real. | ||
| They have printers that can make memes and stuff. | ||
| 3D, yeah. | ||
| He was talking about 3D models that they can make with these. | ||
| But they're going to get to a point, and it's not that far off, where you, say if your mouse breaks, you're going to be able to go to this computer printer thing And you're going to be able to put in the combinations or whatever the fuck you have to say to get a mouse or download a mouse program. | ||
| And a mouse is going to fucking appear. | ||
| I mean, you're really going to be able to make things with a printer. | ||
| You know, and you remember the first printers that were old and clumsy and fucked up and slow, you know, and the ink wasn't that good. | ||
| I have this new Epson. | ||
| It's just like a hundred bucks or something. | ||
| Maybe a hundred fifty bucks. | ||
| The fucking thing is like lightning, dude. | ||
| Pages just fly off of it. | ||
| It's Wi-Fi. | ||
| You can print it from your fucking phone. | ||
| You can print it from the road. | ||
| You can call it up. | ||
| I mean, it's insane. | ||
| There's programs that you can get on your goddamn iPhone where you can print shit up from your computer. | ||
| My old apartment, Joe, somebody had a wireless printer and they just had it open. | ||
| So I'd sit there and find the biggest goat see photo or dick with herpes. | ||
| And I'll throw it and I'll print it on the printer non-stop. | ||
| Sometimes I'll be like 50 pages. | ||
| And it never went away. | ||
| And it was like, printing's successful. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| And it's so funny how much that happens. | ||
| You could pretty much go through any neighborhood and get on somebody's printer and do that. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
|
unidentified
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Just take your laptop, get your Palm 3 Plus hotspot. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You could wreck some marriages like that. | ||
| If you knew a dude who had a printer like that, you could send him... | ||
| Just doctored up, photoshopped pictures of him blowing dudes. | ||
| You could start photoshop him in gay positions and make him ruin marriages. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's the golden rule. | ||
| That's the other golden rule about the internet. | ||
| If there's a picture of you on the internet, someone, someone, they've photoshopped a dick in your mouth. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Not a dick. | ||
| Many dicks. | ||
| Many dicks. | ||
| Broken ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| If there's a photo of you, there's a dick in your mouth. | ||
| It's probably one in your butt. | ||
| There's dicks all around you. | ||
| There's so many dicks of me. | ||
| Pictures of dicks online. | ||
| Just this one guy. | ||
| Flappo has done like a thousand of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's always me and just dicks everywhere. | ||
| Just dicks all over the place. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Have you ever seen how dildos are made and like assholes, you know, where you could buy like a girl's ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I haven't seen how they're made, but I've seen them. | ||
| They're like, you're fucking something that's supposed to be a girl's butt. | ||
| Dude, they have people that sit there and paint veins. | ||
| And it's not just veins. | ||
| It's these Mexican ladies. | ||
| First they wipe this coat and they sit there and they have to stroke it for like an hour and that does under veins so it looks like the veins underneath the skin. | ||
| Then they let that dry. | ||
| Then they have this person that just does the purple ones, the significant veins. | ||
| Like the ones that have the main blood flow to the tip of the dick kind of veins. | ||
| It is the most creepiest thing. | ||
| You look there and you feel like somebody's getting murdered and you're watching it. | ||
| But it's just people making dildos. | ||
| And then when they cast her... | ||
| That's so true, though. | ||
| It is like... | ||
| Why does it creep us out so much to see bodies? | ||
| Like the idea of bodies? | ||
| I don't know, because it's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| It's like body parts and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's terrifying to people. | ||
| And then when they make a cast, like if they have fucking Ron Jeremy come in there and they're like, alright, we're going to do a chubby dildo this week. | ||
| They have to put his dick in this tube, almost like when you ever see a horse, they're trying to get sperm from a horse to make babies or something like that. | ||
| They have to jack it off into this tube. | ||
| And they had the same thing with how they have to sit there with this plaster, and he can't touch it, and he has to stay hard for five minutes. | ||
| How can he stay hard? | ||
| He has to have his girl, or another porn star girl, just sit there and whisper, I want your butthole. | ||
| Oh, your balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your balls. | |
| And do it for five minutes. | ||
| You are the least sexy chick ever. | ||
| What you just did right there. | ||
| That was the least sexy imitation of a chick in history. | ||
| I don't care if I was in jail for a year, I wouldn't fuck you, dude. | ||
| It was like a Bruno voice, too. | ||
| But yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| And then with the cast, they just have to like put plaster in your fucking vagina and just fucking sit there for five minutes and they pull out this thing and then they don't just play paste hair on it. | ||
| They actually have to sew with a thread and needle every single hair on the pussy. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, so go to a dildo factory. | ||
| I think there's one in Studio City. | ||
| You gotta take a trip there with a camera or something. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Do you think they would let you? | ||
| They did it for HBO six years ago. | ||
| Yeah, but it's HBO. I'm just a comedian. | ||
| I don't know if they would do it just for a regular dude. | ||
| Unless they were like UFC fans. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| The UFC? But do you think they would want to show people? | ||
| If you let them do... | ||
| I mean, if Longville were an asshole... | ||
| Would you let them do your cast? | ||
| No! | ||
| You would never do that. | ||
| They paid you $100,000. | ||
| Dude, I'm not getting a boner in front of any dude. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
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If they made all the machine people hot women doing it. | |
| All the scientists... | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| That would be weird, though, because that's what was after in this video I saw, that the porn star that did it, there was a box of his dicks, and he comes up and goes, That's hilarious. | ||
| That's my dick times 500. That's so crazy. | ||
| What a great idea, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because people are such freaks, they watch someone fuck in a video, and they want to be like that person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's so weird. | ||
| I want to get ones to see what it's like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have ones now. | ||
| Oh, I don't... | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Crazy, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What kind of a human being thought that up, the first guy? | ||
| A really horny priest. | ||
| Let's just get someone... | ||
| And we'll make an exact mold of their body so we can fuck it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How crazy is this new thing about the priests? | ||
| You know what's happening? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That they're equating them being persecuted for kid fucking to the Holocaust. | ||
| And the Pope's going to save them all. | ||
| That's what they're saying. | ||
| The South Park was talking about that. | ||
| What is going on? | ||
| Like, how crazy is the Catholic religion? | ||
| The fact that it's still around is mind-boggling. | ||
| But the fact that anybody takes them seriously after all these fucking kids get molested. | ||
| Like, how many kids have to get molested before someone steps in and goes, Oh, maybe these guys aren't directly tied to God. | ||
| Like, maybe we've been fooled. | ||
| I mean, it's just amazing that a cult can have so much power in 2010 and that nobody wants to call it a cult. | ||
| And everybody wants to pretend that there's something sacred about it because it's been around forever. | ||
| Like, it's the craziest, most fucked up idea ever. | ||
| There was a big discussion about it on our message board and one of the most interesting arguments was So people were saying, you're discounting all the positive work that the Catholic Church does. | ||
| But I'm saying anything positive they do, will they do charities? | ||
| That's them doing things outside of religion. | ||
| That doesn't have anything to do with the fucking religion. | ||
| That's just people doing charitable things. | ||
| That does not make up for kid fucking. | ||
| That does not make up for living a life filled with guilt so that they can control you and keeping you down like a little bitch terrified about every fucking thing you do because you're going to burn in hell. | ||
| And anybody who's ever been to Catholic school knows that. | ||
| I did a year in Catholic school, man. | ||
| And it was like I did a year in jail. | ||
| My first grade. | ||
| First grade, I went to Catholic school. | ||
| Our Lady of Chestochowa in New Jersey. | ||
| And this fucking cunt nun. | ||
| Sister Mary Josephine. | ||
| I was like a pretty happy kid before this happened. | ||
| You know, my parents had just broken up and the impact of it hadn't hit me yet. | ||
| You know, but I was still in denial. | ||
| You know, but I would see my dad still because we were still in New Jersey. | ||
| And then, while this was going on, I went to Catholic school for a year, and it was horrifying. | ||
| It was brutal, dude. | ||
| This nun was such a fucking cunt. | ||
| Everything, everything you did, she would just be on you. | ||
| She would tell you she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet. | ||
| You were going to have to stay overnight. | ||
| And she was just this haggard old bitch that nobody loved. | ||
| Nobody had fun with her. | ||
| Nobody told jokes to her. | ||
| She never danced. | ||
| She supposedly never fucked. | ||
| She wasn't allowed to do shit. | ||
| She was just the worst representation of an elderly woman possible. | ||
| The best would be a woman who's lived a life of joy and she's just super friendly to everybody because she'd feel so blessed. | ||
| That she made it through this great experience. | ||
|
unidentified
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And she's very wise too. | |
| And very wise, yeah. | ||
| This mean fucking cunt. | ||
| She used to hit us. | ||
| She really used to hit us. | ||
| People think Catholic school teachers don't hit you with rulers. | ||
| No, they fucking hit you with rulers. | ||
| That's real shit. | ||
| They'll smack you in the head. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| Every day was terrifying. | ||
| But I got awesome grades. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Like, right after that, I fell off school hardcore after that. | ||
| I was in, like, gifted classes and everything the next year after Catholic school, and then I totally stopped trying. | ||
| Damn, I was sleeping. | ||
| I stayed up all night and just slept. | ||
| When you're in a Catholic school, you're so terrified you will push everything you do. | ||
| You don't want to have a fucking C. You don't want to have a B. They will yell at you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're monsters, man. | ||
| I mean, it's just that whole idea as a philosophy is the worst idea possible. | ||
| That means you're putting the control of your consciousness, you're putting your trust in the wisdom of someone who lives in a cult of kid fuckers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, look at that. | ||
| That's what's going on. | ||
| A bunch of guys who aren't allowed to fuck women. | ||
| Oh, that's real natural. | ||
| What? | ||
| You're not allowed to have sex. | ||
| They don't even get a better place in heaven. | ||
| When they go to heaven, they just get regular heaven, just like you, if you listen to them. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's the dumbest fucking idea ever. | ||
| The dumbest fucking idea ever, and we have to pretend, unlike CNN and shit, that this is a real issue of debate. | ||
| There's abuse in the Catholic Church, but it's never like, why the fuck do we still have the Catholic Church? | ||
| Nobody ever steps in and goes, really? | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| All this? | ||
| These fucking guys in their robes, and they fuck kids, and they live in these crazy places together, all men? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And the nuns are all evil and they all look haggard and beaten down? | ||
| Oh, a few of them do some charity work. | ||
| They do some good things too. | ||
| They donate some of the millions of dollars they trick people into giving them. | ||
| They donate some of that and they do some good things. | ||
| But yet you never really hear about this shit in the Amish religion. | ||
| Catholicism is one of the worst ever. | ||
| If the Catholics were controlling the world, we'd be fucked. | ||
| Everybody wants to fight off the Muslims. | ||
| At least the Muslims like the other Muslims. | ||
| Muslims like each other. | ||
| Catholics don't even like each other. | ||
| They're fucking controlling you with death. | ||
| Dude, it's a crazy religion. | ||
| I guess Muslims, if you believe in the hardcore jihadists, I guess they do too. | ||
| It's pretty similar. | ||
| Catholicism, the only thing it has over the Muslims is you don't hear about Catholic suicide bombers as much. | ||
| It's more rare. | ||
| I'm sure it's happened, though, right? | ||
| There's been Catholic suicide bombers, right? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But you'll never see a Buddhist cocksucker. | ||
| You know, you never... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're never going to be scared to be in, like, a tent in the middle of a woods with a Buddhist guy. | ||
| You're not going to think he's going to fucking rape you. | ||
| You're going to think, like, this guy's going to protect me from wounds and stuff. | ||
| But a real Buddhist. | ||
| Then people will argue that a real Catholic wouldn't fuck kids, too. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Which is true. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I think maybe that's just a former... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People say, hey, you guys talk about the subject of religion a lot. | ||
| It comes up a lot. | ||
| Shouldn't it? | ||
| Yeah, what's all wars about? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Look, it's programming. | ||
| And that's really all it is. | ||
| No one knows any more about what life is all about than you do. | ||
| I mean, we have wisdom. | ||
| We've learned things. | ||
| You know, all of us have had different life experiences that we've benefited from. | ||
| We try to express these to each other and we can all get a little smarter in the process. | ||
| But, you know, the reality is nobody really knows what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Nobody knows where this is going. | ||
| Nobody has any idea what this is. | ||
| You know, this itself, if we didn't live this life, this life would be the craziest drug trip ever. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| If you had some sort of a logical two-dimensional life, like a binary life, like something you could read out on a piece of paper, if that was life... | ||
| And that life was introduced to this life right here. | ||
| You would go, this life is psychedelic. | ||
| This is insanity. | ||
| Everything is insane. | ||
| And it gets more ridiculous by the minute. | ||
| You know, I mean, there'll be fucking CNN headline news and they'll have an episode on, is Kim Kardashian's ass too fat? | ||
| I mean, they literally will do that. | ||
| I mean, you know, this is where we're at. | ||
| This Tiger Woods shit and this Jesse James shit and all this crazy stuff where we're concentrating on It's so fascinating, man. | ||
| It's so fascinating. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I mean, we are the weirdest animal ever. | ||
| If people didn't exist and you made them up, it would be too much. | ||
| People would go, this is ridiculous. | ||
| They can't be that fucked up. | ||
| That fucked up and they figured out nuclear weapons. | ||
| That fucked up and they can fly through the air to all parts of the planet. | ||
| They're that fucked up. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| They're really having a conversation with the Pope. | ||
| Like, he's a fucking cult leader. | ||
| Like, why are you sitting down with that? | ||
|
unidentified
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This is ridiculous. | |
| And they're like, yeah, well, you have to play along with them. | ||
| No, you don't have to play along with them. | ||
| Because playing along with them is a concession that what they're saying is legitimate. | ||
| Like, they really represent something meaningful. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| The individuals inside that organization, they represent something meaningful. | ||
| They're individuals. | ||
| They're just trapped in this web I'm a Catholic. | ||
| I was born Catholic. | ||
| I'm gonna die Catholic. | ||
| You're a fucking human. | ||
| Why are you lumping yourself in voluntarily with this gigantic group of people who believe nonsense? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And no one's saying that anybody else has the answers. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong or I have some information you don't have. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| You know, I have my own life that I can tell you honestly what I've learned from my experiences and things that I've read that other people have researched, but what do I really know about what the fuck this is and what's next? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And I know as much as anybody, and you know as much as anybody. | ||
| There's not a single person who has more of a realistic view of the next phase of existence. | ||
| Whether it exists at all, no one knows. | ||
| And it doesn't help pretending you do know. | ||
| That's what fucks everybody up. | ||
| What fucks everybody up is someone that pretends they do know. | ||
| Because then, we, with our fucking monkey instincts, just follow that guy. | ||
| And we're like, well, he knows. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| He's so confident. | ||
| And this guy, of course he's confident. | ||
| All these people are listening to him. | ||
| First of all, he's crazy. | ||
| And then all these people are listening to him. | ||
| And so the more people listen to him, the more he believes his own bullshit. | ||
| And the more he really thinks he is special and ordained and there to give the word of the Lord. | ||
| And the more delusional they become. | ||
| I mean, it's a... | ||
| It's a fucking classic Jim Jones pattern. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| The idea is completely ridiculous that some guys who don't get pussy have the answers. | ||
| Nobody has got the fucking answers, and there should be no ideologies like this. | ||
| There should be no predetermined patterns of behavior that are attractive to follow. | ||
| Because anything predetermined like that is going to fuck you up. | ||
| Because it's not going to give you a realistic map of the world. | ||
| You live in your map of the world back when people had very little information. | ||
| When Catholicism was created, the map of the world was there was no internet. | ||
| There's no exchange of ideas. | ||
| There's no pornography available on your fucking iPhone anywhere you look. | ||
| There's so many things that are different about that world than about this world. | ||
| And so all their crazy nonsense could be easily disproved if somebody tried to start up that religion today. | ||
| But it's there. | ||
| It's been there forever, so people just fucking stick with it. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing ever. | ||
| Logically, religion is one of the weirdest things ever. | ||
| It's so hard to believe it's still around. | ||
| You really got stopped watching Lost at the wrong time. | ||
| It's getting religical. | ||
| Religical? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, maybe I'll tune in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I still got them on the DVR. I'm confused now. | |
| Really? | ||
| And since you probably know religion a lot more than me, I would really like them to... | ||
| I do and I don't. | ||
| I know enough to get annoyed, and then when I start researching it more, it becomes more and more kooky, and then I can't take it anymore. | ||
| So I only know surface details of all religions. | ||
| But all I know about all of them is they're all ideologies. | ||
| Anything like that is dangerous. | ||
| Anything where you've got older people, where you grow up with these older people that are telling you what you should and shouldn't do. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| At best, we exist really well in small tribes. | ||
| But I think when people are in small tribes, those small tribes are so important to stay alive. | ||
| These people have this intense bond of family. | ||
| And I think what happened with human beings is we went from small tribes to gigantic countries so fast, you know, over the course of just a few thousand years. | ||
| And I don't think our body... | ||
| I don't think our body has separated itself from the fact that we really are all connected. | ||
| I think in the small tribes, when they were looking out for each other all the time, it was really like having a giant family. | ||
| But we don't feel connected as a country. | ||
| I don't feel connected with all the Americans. | ||
| That seems ridiculous. | ||
| There's 300 million of us. | ||
| How can anybody connect to everybody? | ||
| Back then they could. | ||
| And that's how we're wired. | ||
| We're wired for that kind of life. | ||
| I think that's why so many people are depressed. | ||
| I think people are depressed because the energy in their life is imbalanced because they don't have enough love And companionship in their life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all about love. | |
| It's all about you need to just feel love. | ||
| You don't need negative things. | ||
| It's like if you were on a plane and you hear a screaming kid right next to you and you're trying to sleep. | ||
| Now, it might be different from you because you have kids now, but in the old days, you want to just fucking knock the kid out or something. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| You said it was comforting. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I like kids. | ||
| So what if I started crying? | ||
| What would happen? | ||
| Slap you in the mouth, little faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like a waterfall on your ass. | |
| I went waterfalls on you the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's all right, boy. | |
| Brian gets bottled up. | ||
| It's funny, I do. | ||
| I explode once a year or so. | ||
| You know, I can cry in movies and shit, man. | ||
| I cried in that Jeff Bridges movie, Crazy Heart. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, I don't want to see that then. | ||
| I don't want to see a country music crying movie. | ||
| They got me a couple times. | ||
| They got me a couple times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There was one especially because it was about a little kid. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| A little kid getting lost. | ||
| I don't want to tell you anymore. | ||
| I won't say anything. | ||
| I don't want to give away anything about the movie, but if you haven't seen it, it's a badass movie. | ||
| I'll rent it on my iPad tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| My man went iPad on me. | ||
| Whew. | ||
| No one is more of a technology junkie than this motherfucker. | ||
| And if you have ever seen his YouTube page, it's Let's Find Jesus, right? | ||
| Yeah, YouTube backslash Let's Find Jesus. | ||
| Or just go to redband.com. | ||
| Yeah, go to redband.com. | ||
| They're all up there. | ||
| If you ever think about getting any kind of a camera or anything... | ||
| Check out his reviews because he's like the most thorough. | ||
| He's the biggest tech head I know. | ||
| I don't know anybody who is more of a junkie of technology than him. | ||
| And also more knowledgeable. | ||
| You're always on the ball. | ||
| There's so many people giving shit on this iPad. | ||
| Well, you are a little bit of an Apple fanboy. | ||
| I am an Apple fanboy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| You know why? | ||
| That's why they're giving you shit. | ||
| It's because you're excited. | ||
| They're really hating that you're excited. | ||
| You know, it's when, you see, it gets tricky not when you praise an object, but when you start shitting on, like, the Kindle and, fuck, the Kindle's dead! | ||
| Fucking Kindle faggots. | ||
| And then people defend their Kindle and they get crazy. | ||
| I'm not an Apple fanboy. | ||
| I'm a technology fanboy. | ||
| I have Sony cameras. | ||
| I love Sony cameras. | ||
| I like the company. | ||
| I like to support something that I believe in. | ||
| I think they're the best. | ||
| I love their little portable cameras. | ||
| With the iPad. | ||
| But what's crazy is before I was kind of like tricking myself. | ||
| Like, yeah, I just want to get a netbook. | ||
| This is better than a netbook. | ||
| I'm going to support this thing. | ||
| But then lately, they've been showing all these applications and I'm like, they have Netflix now. | ||
| So I'm going to teether internet from my cell phone and be able to watch Netflix anywhere I want to throughout the United States. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's losing his goddamn marbles. | ||
| I'm tired of people. | ||
| I'm just going to live. | ||
| I'm living in my fucking technology world. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It's so funny because if you were forced to live your life in front of a computer, And then someone allowed you to go outside, you'd be so happy to go outside. | ||
| It's because we're forced to live in reality that the computer life seems so much more interesting. | ||
| It seems more like I'm looking for something. | ||
| That's why Google is one of my favorite websites, because I'm searching for something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| I'm searching for something. | ||
| That's the best thing about my message board. | ||
| When I go to that message board every day, I'm looking. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| What am I looking for? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I will click links until literally sometimes I'm nodding out at the fucking keyboard. | ||
| You ever do that? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| I'm like nodding out at the keyboard. | ||
| Usually I'm supposed to be writing and I just start surfing the internet. | ||
| And then the next thing you know I'm nodding out and I'm like, what am I doing? | ||
| What kind of retard am I? I don't even know what I'm looking for. | ||
| I just keep checking. | ||
| I'll be ready to go to bed and then I'll just say, let me go online real quick and see what's going on in the world. | ||
| And you go to the same websites over and over waiting for that one update almost. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| As a comedian, though, there's never been a better time to be able to promote your gigs. | ||
| It's so much better than it's ever been before because, you know, you can get information out there and, you know, you can develop like a whole network of your fans, you know, and on your Twitter page and your message board and people get to know you, like the real you. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| In the old days, you would do like an interview, you know, like somebody like Dean Martin or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a kid with a bell going, X to X to Joe Rogan at the funny farm! | |
| Yeah, I mean, how do you get someone to show? | ||
| What they know about you is like you would do like the Ed Sullivan show. | ||
| You know, you go on stage and do like seven minutes. | ||
| Like, that's all you got, man. | ||
| Now you could, you know, I was telling Ari, like, Ari, who's a very funny guy, sometimes has a hard time getting gigs on the road. | ||
| And I was saying, you should put together something, you know, where you do your best bits that you've ever done and throw them up on YouTube. | ||
| Because he has a lot of bits that he doesn't even do anymore because he's got new bits. | ||
| And I'm like, but you don't have those old bits, like, in a video. | ||
| You should make a video of your shit, man. | ||
| You know, and put that on YouTube. | ||
| I go, you got really good bits. | ||
| You know, like the gay bar bit. | ||
| There's a bunch of bits that he has that are really classic bits that he doesn't do anymore. | ||
| And I'm like, take those, just throw them up on YouTube, man. | ||
| And then people will see you and they'll come see you at shows. | ||
| It's really the best method. | ||
| It's like, you know, the old method of like, you would do like a Comedy Central show. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess. | ||
| Like some of those stand-up sit-downs or, you know, what a premium blend or something like that. | ||
| There's like seven people in each show. | ||
| I don't know how many is each show. | ||
| Is it an hour or half an hour? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| How many comics go up in a premium book? | ||
| An hour, I think. | ||
| It's like four comics or something like that? | ||
| People don't remember. | ||
| Oh, there was that guy. | ||
| He was kind of funny. | ||
| But if they could just go to fucking YouTube anytime they want. | ||
| Like, oh, I thought this was funny. | ||
| And then you send it to your friend. | ||
| Dude, listen to this guy. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| And then he sends it to his friend. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| It just gets going. | ||
| I think iTunes is... | ||
| It's insane to me. | ||
| The other day, I was trying to tell my friend this song. | ||
| I'm like, no, you've got to hear this song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I'm like, oh yeah, I have an iPhone. | ||
| Downloaded it right into my... | ||
| In a minute, I purchased it, downloaded it, and it was... | ||
| Bluetooth-ing it to my stereo in my car. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| I was like, this is like a jukebox. | ||
| I have the best jukebox ever. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Just that idea is crazy. | ||
| And that shit's going to be in your car. | ||
| And it's going to be voice activated. | ||
| You're going to be able to press a button and say, go to iTunes, download Rolling Stones, tattoo you. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And that shit's going to... | ||
| Have you seen the demos of the new Photoshop CS5 or 6 or whatever it is? | ||
| No. | ||
| The new feature in it? | ||
| Dude, it's on your message board. | ||
| Look under New Photoshop on the main form. | ||
| But it's smart fixing. | ||
| So you take a picture, there's a tree, there's a shadow, there's a blare, there's somebody in the way of you. | ||
| You just circle it and cut it. | ||
| And what it does, it looks around it and tries to make its own scene. | ||
| So you're just sitting there like, tree gone, Blair gone. | ||
| Shadow gone. | ||
| It does all the hard work that took hours and hours. | ||
| There's going to be the fakest photos. | ||
| No photos are going to be real anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Pretty soon, every photo you take, you can zoom in on your face, just cut a wrinkle, and it'll make your skin grow back. | ||
| You'll find out what your skin texture is. | ||
| You just see the video demo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's sweet. | |
| It's so crazy. | ||
| So yeah, photos. | ||
| Completely gone. | ||
| We're going to go to the moon 10 times next year. | ||
| It really is getting very strange. | ||
| Technology is getting very strange. | ||
| It really is getting to this weird point. | ||
| And we've talked about this before. | ||
| And I've been talking about it on stage lately. | ||
| It used to be that people, and I wrote about this in my blog, that when they invented something, it was to make their life better. | ||
| You know, the first caveman Dude. | ||
| It looks awesome. | ||
| It looks insane. | ||
| It looks like the biggest robot rollercoaster ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so crazy. | |
| They need to make a movie in there. | ||
| Dude, it's so crazy. | ||
| Clock Records 2 in there. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Just think of the idea behind it. | ||
| We are going to send atoms around a 27-kilometer circle, a giant machine, to build up speed. | ||
| They get to, like, just below the speed of light and they slam into each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| How is that trickling down to anybody? | ||
| I mean, is there anything out of particle physics that trickles down to make life more convenient for people? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| I mean, you're talking about the biggest scientific project in history. | ||
| There's 10,000 different scientists from 100 countries. | ||
| And it's cost billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| And I'm not criticizing it. | ||
| And don't get me wrong, because somebody said something about this, like, how could you attack science? | ||
| You know, they're trying, they're doing what they're trying. | ||
| I'm so not criticizing. | ||
| I am not on one side or the other. | ||
| And I don't think there's anything wrong with them doing this. | ||
| I'm just completely fascinated by it. | ||
| I am so fascinated by the idea that they're trying to recreate the conditions right after the Big Bang and that's what they're looking for and that's why they're doing this. | ||
| It's probably something weird that it would trickle down to like storage of power, like battery life and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| It would be something ridiculous like that. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| We're figuring out how to save power or energy. | ||
| I mean maybe because they are making a collision. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it might be something weird like that or it could be something gang. | ||
| It could trickle down, I guess. | ||
| I mean, who the fuck is to say? | ||
| I'm not that smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when things get really wonky is when they really figure out how to crack time. | ||
| When they figure out how to travel through time, you know, and there's been like, there's a model that this fucking, this scientist, I think his name was Kurt Gordell. | ||
| It was like one of those O's with the double O, what is that called? | ||
| Umlaut? | ||
| Anyway, he was this guy who figured out that you have to take a cylinder half the size of the solar system and spinning it at the speed of light, you have to cross its... | ||
| I don't remember exactly what the fuck the formula was for it. | ||
| But if you did that, if you actually created this thing that was half the size of the solar system, moving it at the speed of light, somehow or another you actually could go back in time. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| What if they figure out something along those lines? | ||
| Because the thing about people is we're not going to be satisfied with just a Large Hadron Collider. | ||
| It's not like they're going to figure this out, they're going to create the Higgs-Boson particle, and they're going to go, well, here, we got it, you know, we did create the God particle, and we know that it's real. | ||
| No, there's going to be another thing. | ||
| They're going to try to get crazy. | ||
| We think we can make a black hole. | ||
| Well, if you think you can make a black hole, let's not do it. | ||
| Well, we don't know if we can make a black hole, and we think it'll go away really quickly. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| That's next. | ||
| They're fucking with everything. | ||
| You know, a thought I like a lot that we talked about recently, I always keep on going back to thinking, is like how, what if all this crazy, because lately I have had a lot of crazy stuff go on in my life, and I was like, what if me and you in the future, like iPhone 50, are changing the past? | ||
| You know, like, hey, what do you want this month? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we're creating our own past using technology. | ||
| Like, Changing time. | ||
| Remember when we were talking about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, how weird would that be? | ||
| Like, if we could sit there now and go, okay, we can go back to 1989. Oh, you're eating pizza here. | ||
| Do you want something crazy to happen while you're eating pizza here? | ||
| Yeah, let's just throw in this crazy, you know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because, like, lately it just seems like, all right, this is like a, because a lot of the stuff that's happened to me, it seems like, it's so insane that, like, I'm waiting for reality show cameras to come out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, I have often thought that there's a path that you're supposed to live in life and that path will sort of illuminate itself to you as you go along the way as long as you pay attention to your instincts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and I think a big part of that path is like your attitude in life and how you view things and how you feel about yourself and how you feel about life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I think in as much as you can Kind of dictate a lot of that. | ||
| You can kind of decide how you view the world. | ||
| You can kind of decide your approach to things. | ||
| And you can decide it based on your instincts. | ||
| And I think if you do that, then everything kind of just works out in this great way. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| As long as you're doing the right things. | ||
| It's like, you have to really be a positive person. | ||
| You have to really be disciplined so you don't feel like you're slacking off on all the things that you should be working on. | ||
| And there's like, There's a certain balance. | ||
| There's a certain guiltiness that you feel when you don't work hard enough at something and that's there for a reason. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| You can get that out of your life just by doing what you're supposed to do and it feels better and you don't feel like you're self-defeating in the process. | ||
| I think there's a path to life, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You might think it's being controlled by us in the future using technology? | |
| Well, that was our theory, right? | ||
| I think maybe that is a possibility. | ||
| I mean, who the fuck knows? | ||
| But I think what's more likely is that every person, sort of as ridiculous as this sounds, that every person sort of fits into a piece in this world. | ||
| And that this world, everything about it, from bottled water to fucking space shuttles, that it's all connected. | ||
| And that it really is, even though it seems like life, like we think of it as just life, that's what we've labeled it. | ||
| Oh, here's life on the world. | ||
| Here's all these people going about their day. | ||
| Here's, you know, a boat on the water. | ||
| We think about it like that. | ||
| But really, all these things in this life, everything, they all have a value. | ||
| They all have a position. | ||
| They all have a purpose. | ||
| And it really is like what we're living in is we're living in a gigantic mathematical equation. | ||
| And I think that that's what all human life, animal life, wind and fucking earthquakes and everything, I think it's all a part of this insane mathematical... | ||
| Equation. | ||
| And that chaos in life and earthquakes and meteor impacts, these are all built into this equation. | ||
| This is how the system works. | ||
| This is how the system works. | ||
| It seems like this crazy randomness, this fury of nature and birth and death and sexuality and creativity. | ||
| Why was my childhood so bad? | ||
| Why was I raised in a wealthy family and now I'm lazy? | ||
| All these different things, they all play like a little part in this giant fucking equation. | ||
| It's just so big we can't see it. | ||
| And so crazy and alien because it is us. | ||
| Because it is the world we live in. | ||
| It's almost impossible for us to really see the big picture. | ||
| I think that's very possible. | ||
| Very possibly what we're doing in this world. | ||
| I think all of us are living a giant mathematical equation. | ||
| And I think it probably has something to do with technology. | ||
| I mean, no one treats that like it's a serious possibility because it's a subject of Terminator movies. | ||
| But if you looked at what's going on, you would see that technology is Increasing at a much faster rate of evolution than human beings. | ||
| And if essentially what we're capable of doing as a human being is make calculations and move and make decisions and, you know, and have moral code and a judgment in your mind, I mean, you could fucking program a religion into a computer and it would actually follow it. | ||
| You could give a computer a personality. | ||
| You could force a computer to react a certain way to different things. | ||
| Then you figure out a way to put a computer so small that you put it in an artificial body that you've created with your fucking computer. | ||
| And the next thing you know, you have computers making life and that life is a computer and that computer is living its own version of this mathematical program. | ||
| That's just as possible as us being a part of a mathematical program. | ||
| It's all very possible that we are here to create technology and that our whole society is geared towards creating technology. | ||
| The fact that like in China, do you know how fucked up the pollution is in China? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| They have this one city, I forget what it is, I think VBS TV did a documentary on it. | ||
| This one city where it's so bad there that just breathing the air is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. | ||
| It's pretty bad here too, Joe. | ||
| The other day I was coming, or driving to my house, and you couldn't even see Burbank because of the smog. | ||
| Yeah, that is bad. | ||
| And we just breathe it in every day. | ||
| It's not bad where you live, but it's pretty fucked up. | ||
| It can't be as good for you as clean air. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I wanted to move to Colorado. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I wanted to get away from this overpopulation. | ||
| Austin, Texas. | ||
| I tell you. | ||
| Well, everybody says that though, but that's why everybody's moving to Austin, you know? | ||
| I certainly think that places that have less people are nicer. | ||
| We were in Charlotte, North Carolina this week for the UFC. And people in Charlotte are so fucking nice. | ||
| That's my second place I would move. | ||
| South Carolina or North Carolina. | ||
| Dude, Charlotte, North Carolina. | ||
| The people were so fucking cool. | ||
| Everybody was friendly. | ||
| Everybody was normal. | ||
| It was a really nice place. | ||
| People were really nice. | ||
| Everybody in restaurants and bars. | ||
| It's like there's less people. | ||
| People are more down home. | ||
| They're more friendly. | ||
| It was a good time. | ||
| Yeah, this ain't the best way to live. | ||
| New York is where we were just at. | ||
| And that was the more interesting thing, because we went from New York to Charlotte, North Carolina. | ||
| And Charlotte, North Carolina is way better. | ||
| I mean, New York, yeah, has more restaurants. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's more stuff to do. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| There's also more tension. | ||
| There's also the dealing with the overpopulation, dealing with traffic. | ||
| It's like everybody's on edge. | ||
| I don't want to live somewhere where everybody's on edge. | ||
| Yeah, it makes some people more creative. | ||
| I think it makes for more interesting people. | ||
| People on the East Coast are way more interesting to me than people on the West Coast. | ||
| They're way funnier to me, too. | ||
| Isn't it weird that the left side of the United States is more dangerous than the right side? | ||
| But yet the right side has the angrier people than the left side when it comes to the East Coast versus West Coast. | ||
| Most of the East Coast. | ||
| The left coast is more dangerous? | ||
| Like angry people. | ||
| Like the New York attitudes, the Boston attitudes, the Florida gangsters. | ||
| East Coast is more aggressive. | ||
| Yeah, aggressive. | ||
| But yet that's the safer place to live. | ||
| But you'd think it'd be nicer people. | ||
| North Carolina. | ||
| Why is it a safer place? | ||
| Because the whole side we live on, you're like... | ||
| End of the world shit, like the earthquakes and the volcanoes and the fucking... | ||
| Yeah, sorta. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| They have to deal with snow. | ||
| Snow's a motherfucker. | ||
| So the secrets of snow, too. | ||
| Snow makes people a little more hostile. | ||
| In America, at least. | ||
| I tried to explain a way that, like, why people are so aggressive in Boston and New York. | ||
| I always said, well, you gotta deal with that cold weather. | ||
| It gets you a little more tense. | ||
| But I think there's more to it than that. | ||
| It's cold weather and overpopulation together. | ||
| That's what makes douchey people. | ||
| Because in Canada, people are so fucking nice, man. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That doesn't make sense either, because even in Toronto, Toronto's a big-ass city, and people are nice as fuck there, too. | ||
| Maybe it's too much hydration. | ||
| Maybe when your body has too much hydration, you get angry. | ||
| I don't know what it is, man. | ||
| Canada is not a country that's living under the shadow of this government that's out there trying to take over the world. | ||
| That's part of it, too. | ||
| That doesn't make it up for America in the 50s, though. | ||
| Or, you know, in the 30s or the 40s. | ||
| They were pretty aggressive back then, too. | ||
| And even in the 1800s. | ||
| You ever see Gangs of New York? | ||
| What it used to be like? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, Gangs of New York is an awesome movie. | ||
| You've never seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, it's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| Daniel Day-Lewis is one of those dudes that, like, becomes whoever the fuck he's in that movie. | ||
| He's like a different dude when he does these movies, you know? | ||
| He's like one of those few guys that really... | ||
| Russell Crowe can do that. | ||
| Gary Oldman can do the shit out of that. | ||
| He's one of those dudes that just becomes a different dude when he's in those movies, man. | ||
| There's that new Leonardo movie. | ||
| Did you ever see it? | ||
| The Shut Stutter Island? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't like that one. | ||
| You didn't? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I talked about it. | ||
| It was really good for like the first hour or so. | ||
| And then, I don't want to give away any spoilers because some people haven't seen it. | ||
| You haven't seen it either, have you? | ||
| I don't want to say anything. | ||
| Did you ever see the beach with him in it? | ||
| Or the island? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's like the cheesiest movie ever, but I like that movie. | ||
| He's a good fucking actor, though. | ||
| He's another one. | ||
| He gets into things. | ||
| He's good, you know? | ||
| Mike Young does him, by the way. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's what I heard. | ||
| That's a craft, you know. | ||
| There's some cheeseheads out there that are not doing anything special, but there's a few like, that's another thing, that movie that I said, Crazy Heart, what's the guy's name? | ||
| Jeff Bridges? | ||
| Jeff Bridges, that's another guy. | ||
| He's the big Lebowski. | ||
| I mean, he's just, he's an amazing actor. | ||
| He's one of those dudes who just, he gets into that fucking role, man. | ||
| He does it. | ||
| So, so we should answer some questions or something? | ||
| Hi everybody. | ||
| Did you ever see the movie Dream with the Fishes? | ||
| Dream with the Fishes? | ||
| No. | ||
| It has David Arquette in it. | ||
| Really small budget, low budget movie. | ||
| But one of the things is, this guy was dying and so he wanted to do his last list of things. | ||
| And one thing he did is he went naked bowling. | ||
| He went into his bowling alley in the middle of the night on LSD and went bowling naked with strippers. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that scene right there to me is just... | ||
| Is there any three things that you would say if you knew you were about to die that you would definitely do? | ||
| Like, all right, everything's off. | ||
| I'm doing this now. | ||
| Have you ever thought about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't have anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
| Have you ever seen the pyramids? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I would like to see the pyramids. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I could be okay without seeing them. | ||
| I mean, I've seen so much of it on DVD. I mean, I think, yeah, it would be really nice to go over there and see it live, for sure, definitely. | ||
| It seems like it would be spiritual. | ||
| You'd feel like a different vibe in the air or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know what you mean, yeah. | ||
| But I could be okay without seeing that. | ||
| I mean, I think it's real. | ||
| I would love... | ||
| To see a lot of things. | ||
| I would love to see the Congo, but I don't want to go in there. | ||
| It's too scary. | ||
| When force fields come out, would you go in there? | ||
| What if your fucking force field runs out of battery right when a gorilla's making a fucking charge at you? | ||
| No, not now, you fuck! | ||
| What if personal force fields were like, oh, you got AT&T personal force field? | ||
| What, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| You're gonna go to the Congo with AT&T personal force field? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, yeah. | |
| If you don't have Verizon, do not go overseas. | ||
| Yeah, that's no shit, right? | ||
| It's gonna be like that. | ||
| It's gonna be tied to AT&T one day. | ||
| Dude, you're like Dr. Manhattan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Dr. Manhattan. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| From the fucking... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What's that movie? | ||
| Watchmen? | ||
| Yes, the Watchmen. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I was not familiar with that comic book before that movie came out. | ||
| Either was I. It was good though. | ||
| Did you know I was on Ellen as Dr. Manhattan? | ||
| I don't think I ever talked about this. | ||
| When Twitter first came out, Ellen tweeted like, hey, go to this bus stop if you want to be on the show, but you have to dress up as a superhero. | ||
| Hurry! | ||
| And I was at the stoplight right next to that bus stop. | ||
| So I pull over and I'm fucking like looking through my car trying to find, I had like some laundry in there, I had some clothes and a back pillow and I found all these blue things and I dressed up all in blue and I put this neck pillow on my head and I got in the bus stop and I was on the Ellen Show as Dr. Manhattan. | ||
| And one of the funniest things though was I took a sleeve of a blue coat and I put through my zipper and I tied it at the end and put some socks in it and stuff like that. | ||
| So it looked like I had this big wavy dick and nobody even saw it. | ||
| Like they didn't even understand that that's what it was. | ||
| But if you watch it knowing that I'm coming out on L and they're like, let's introduce Dr. Mr. Manhattan or whatever. | ||
| And I'm coming out with this swingy thing. | ||
| Is there a video of this online? | ||
| There isn't, but I will put a video. | ||
| How do you not have that online? | ||
| I think I do, but it's on my Facebook. | ||
| Oh my god, how dare you? | ||
| I'll put it on the masses. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| You should have it right now, son. | ||
| I'll put it at redband.com or twitter backslash redband.com redband.com I don't get Joe's philosophy of thinking that seeing the pyramids on TV is the same as real life. | ||
| Oh man, I don't think it's the same as real life. | ||
| I'm just saying if there's only a few things I could do before I died, that wouldn't be my choice. | ||
| I'd be okay without seeing it. | ||
| I would like to see it. | ||
| One of the reasons why I haven't done it is because, first of all, I don't have much time. | ||
| I travel so much for work. | ||
| I don't really have that much time to travel outside of work. | ||
| It's not fun for me. | ||
| It's like I'm traveling... | ||
| All the time. | ||
| So an extra trip to Egypt doesn't sound exciting to me. | ||
| And then the other part about it is that it's not that safe over there. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| I don't want to have to sweat shit. | ||
| I saw the only ruins I've ever seen were in Mexico. | ||
| I saw the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza, which is pretty humbling, man. | ||
| And it's really fascinating to stand there And I do agree that there's a big difference between standing there in person and checking these things out than watching a video or seeing it in pictures. | ||
| Standing there in person was pretty flabbergasting. | ||
| But all I'm saying is I don't need to go to Egypt. | ||
| I would like to, yes, but I don't need to. | ||
| I could be okay without doing it. | ||
| But I'm not saying that it's the same thing. | ||
| Certainly not. | ||
| But you can learn a lot of things about certain places and really experience how amazing and beautiful they are just from DVDs. | ||
| You really don't have to fucking... | ||
| You don't have to go to the Congo. | ||
| The Congo is so fucking dangerous. | ||
| Everything there is trying to kill you. | ||
| Everything there. | ||
| They got ants there that kill elephants. | ||
| What? | ||
| Did you hear me, son? | ||
| They got ants that kill elephants. | ||
| They climb up the fucking elephant. | ||
| Go into his ear and start eating his brain while he's alive. | ||
| And they do that in surges. | ||
| They have these little monster ants that climb inside and eat their fucking brain. | ||
| And they're responsible for way more deaths in Africa than any of the other things. | ||
| Ants kill everything, man. | ||
| They kill everything. | ||
| There's some monster, crazy, scary ants in Africa. | ||
| And that's not even... | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| What about the spiders that act as a team? | ||
| There's no spiders anywhere in the world that act in packs except the Congo. | ||
| And they don't even know why. | ||
| But fucking deers get trapped in these little tiny spider webs. | ||
| Deers get trapped. | ||
| These tiny spiders swarm on it like a hundred at once and fuck them up. | ||
| They make these giant ass fucking webs. | ||
| They realize that they're small, and in order to survive and stay alive, they have to jack bigger shit. | ||
| So they fucking teamed up. | ||
| They get birds. | ||
| They get all kinds of shit. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| It is nuts. | ||
| And that's just spiders. | ||
| What about the fucking snakes? | ||
| There's all kinds of fucking snakes in the Congo. | ||
| There's a chimpanzee in the Congo that's six feet tall, and they walk upright sometimes. | ||
| They're called Bondo apes. | ||
| It sounds retarded. | ||
| It sounds totally ridiculous because nobody ever tells you about it. | ||
| But they have photographs of these things. | ||
| They got pictures of a dead one. | ||
| They have different bone samples. | ||
| Like they've confirmed this is an actual real animal. | ||
| It has a crest on its head like a gorilla does. | ||
| So it's a different animal. | ||
| It's a different species of chimpanzee. | ||
| That's much larger, and they call them lion killers. | ||
| That's what the locals call them. | ||
| And they have fucking observed, scientists observed and photographed them eating a dead jaguar. | ||
| They don't know if they killed a jaguar, but what the fuck? | ||
| They're eating a goddamn jaguar. | ||
| That's why Verizon Personal Force Field is important. | ||
| Very important. | ||
| But I would love to see all that. | ||
| But I don't want to go there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Go to the Congo? | ||
| Just a mosquito will fuck the rest of your life up. | ||
| You ever watch that show, The Enemies Inside Us? | ||
| Where people, they always go swimming in Africa like fucking geniuses. | ||
| And shit gets in their ear and starts rotting away their brain. | ||
| You know, like big giant tumors are growing in their head and it turns to be a mass of worms that they picked up in Africa seven years ago. | ||
| Get the fuck out of Africa. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| Everything's trying to kill you there. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That's scary, man. | ||
| Sounds like a good porno, too. | ||
| Enemy inside you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| That's one of the best things that porno's do. | ||
| They're really good at that. | ||
| They're really good at coming up with good names. | ||
| They're pretty creative when it comes to that. | ||
| Alright, what other questions up in this bitch? | ||
| Yeah, YouTube that Bondo Apes, man. | ||
| That thing will freak you the fuck out. | ||
| Oh, I Twittered me on Helen, but I could only find it in Torrent right now, but there's links in the Torrent. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Powerful Torrent. | ||
| Somebody retweet it for me so it shows up on the YouTube chat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do-do-do-do... | |
| So I want to see that, what is it? | ||
| Clash of the Titans? | ||
| Yeah, I want to see that too. | ||
| That looks like a fun... | ||
| I heard it got bad reviews though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I heard it was shit. | ||
| Well, they probably weren't high. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I've been not smoking weed. | ||
| I didn't smoke weed for almost a week until recently. | ||
| Oh, this guy says, are you aware the internet came out of CERN? No, I didn't know that. | ||
| Those are the people that are working on the Large Hadron Collider. | ||
| Wow, I thought the internet came out of Al Gore's butthole. | ||
| That wasn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| How did that even... | ||
| He never really said... | ||
| Steve Wozniak started that. | ||
| Wouldn't that be hilarious? | ||
| I'm going to start this thing about Al Gore. | ||
| But he never really said that he invented the internet, right? | ||
| No, he helped work on the... | ||
| It became the internet. | ||
| But it was more like funding, right? | ||
| He helped push a bill through or something nonsense. | ||
| It's not like he invented the internet. | ||
| He might have been the guy pushing for it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He might have said that he was one of the people that helped. | ||
| Did he ever say? | ||
| Does anybody know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't even want to look that up. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Fuck Al Gore. | ||
| I don't give a shit about Al Gore. | ||
| When I heard how much money Al Gore's made from climate research, Now I'm like, what? | ||
| Al Gore has made an assload of money based on the idea that we are warming the earth with our bullshit. | ||
| And we may very well be. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| But I do know that people get nutty about that issue. | ||
| That's one of those weird issues. | ||
| Those right-left issues are so strange. | ||
| Where people just start spouting out shit and they haven't really done the research yet. | ||
| You know, like there's a good video. | ||
| The same guy that did this video with Sarah Palin. | ||
| I don't remember the dude's name. | ||
| I'm going to find out though. | ||
| But he did a video where he went to a Sarah Palin book signing and then asked these people, like, you know, what do you feel about, you know, Sarah Palin? | ||
| What really gets you excited about, you know... | ||
| About her stance on the issues. | ||
| And no one knew a fucking thing. | ||
| No one had any idea what, you know, they were just like, she's just like those. | ||
| She stands for, you know, down-home values. | ||
| And I think she's the best thing going. | ||
| She's getting back to real people. | ||
| Like, they're just saying nonsense. | ||
| And you realize that people don't have to fucking... | ||
| They don't have to, you know, make sense. | ||
| They just have to have a bunch of people thinking they make sense. | ||
| That's all you really need to have. | ||
| But this guy, he did it with the Tea Party people too. | ||
| I don't know fucking dude's name. | ||
| But he made this video and it was just genius shit, man. | ||
| You know, people just... | ||
| Everybody just... | ||
| They just take a side that their team takes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it's like this us versus them nonsense. | ||
| It's just so crazy when it comes to global warming, when it comes to healthcare. | ||
| Everyone has a very typical and predictable stance on things. | ||
| Very rarely do people stray outside the either or ideologies, left or right. | ||
| I hate when people ask me, a Democrat or Republican, like, what are you talking about? | ||
| It's a nonsense game. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| There's no fucking Democrats and there's no Republicans. | ||
| Just stop it. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| It's been nonsense since the beginning. | ||
| It's a bunch of fucking red tape and fucking just complications. | ||
| It's a bunch of shit piled up together to control either or. | ||
| You know, the idea that there really are Democrats and there really... | ||
| I mean, look at what Obama's doing. | ||
| He's doing the exact same shit Bush did. | ||
| He's doing a little, a few things different socially. | ||
| You know, the don't ask, don't tell. | ||
| But when you win the Nobel Peace Prize, you still send 30,000 more people to a war that nobody wants. | ||
| I mean, do they really know more than everybody else that we need to be there? | ||
| Are you going to talk politics on me, man? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's like talking sports into me. | ||
| Don't you think that if you just don't... | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| To me, well... | ||
| I don't think you should spend that much time. | ||
| Who cares what a bomb it is? | ||
| Fuck that, a guy. | ||
| Fuck it all. | ||
| It's all stupid. | ||
| Just negative. | ||
| If you really think about how fucked up this whole... | ||
| It is, but I mean, do you think that it's, is it possible to do anything about it? | ||
| I think if it is, the way you're going to do something about it is not necessarily, it's influencing people with thought and changing these people's opinions before they get into this terrible situation of doing fucked up things that are not benefiting the people. | ||
| You have to affect them. | ||
| You have to let them know that they're not going to live forever. | ||
| I think there's people way better than that than me. | ||
| So instead of worrying and spending my stress on it, I don't even care. | ||
| That's a comic though, man. | ||
| To me, it's just like another crazy reality show that I have to watch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking like... | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| They attack each other. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| You can't believe anyone. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| Everyone's fucking fake. | ||
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| How crazy is it that Fox News is real? | ||
| That that's a real... | ||
| I mean, that is like some parody shit. | ||
| That's crazy too. | ||
| That Fox News is a real show. | ||
| Fox News is like... | ||
| If there was a movie from the 80s with Bill Murray in it, some sort of a parody, that would be the right-wing, rah-rah fucking truth organization. | ||
| That would be the network that they would make fun of. | ||
| In a parody movie. | ||
| And that's what's really going on, man. | ||
| In a parody movie there would be some really hot blonde chick who was mean as fuck. | ||
| You know, like all those hot blonde chicks on Fox News, they all look like they have this mean face. | ||
| You know, they're hot as fuck, but they got this, like, they'll fucking yell at you, man. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They'll, when they interrogate dudes on the show, when they, you know, like, give people a hard time on the show, when they cut people off, like, they're like these stern, right-wing, like, Aryan, blue-eyed, hot bitches, you know? | ||
| And that's perfect for, like, a Bill Murray movie. | ||
| And those chicks would be real horny and somebody would be fucking them and they'd be screaming out Nazi shit or something. | ||
| I mean, that would be in the movie. | ||
| I mean, they really are. | ||
| It really is life is like a movie. | ||
| Life is as ridiculous as a movie. | ||
| More! | ||
| Almost unbelievable, right? | ||
| I mean, when you think about a plot in a movie that is predictable and annoys you, life is way more wacky than that. | ||
| The Ted Haggard thing where that guy's the religious guy who gets caught doing gay sex and crystal meth. | ||
| The fucking John Edwards thing where he gets busted and his wife is dying and he's out having this baby with this other woman. | ||
| All this craziness that goes on with people. | ||
| All of it, all together. | ||
| We are the nuttiest movie of all time. | ||
| We're the craziest movie ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you think? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck is this, folks? | ||
| Where is this going? | ||
| We're all just living until our bodies shut off and we don't even address it. | ||
| We don't even stop and really think about it. | ||
| On Oprah, everybody wants to tell you how you can better decorate your living room with fucking Feng Shui. | ||
| The current consciousness of our culture is not at all Focused on the really big questions. | ||
| Like the really freaky fucking questions. | ||
| Like the fact that how little we think about space, you know? | ||
| The little we think about the fact that at any time some crazy shit can happen and there could be a hypernova in the next galaxy and we'd be wiped out instantly. | ||
| Like this is all real and random and easily can happen. | ||
| You know, it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there any money in campfires... | |
| Like, making a campfire? | ||
| No, because you'd be really good at campfires. | ||
| Somehow, you could, if there was any money in, like, campfires, like, hey, we're going to have a campfire tonight. | ||
| If you could get any money from that, and you'd go, Joe Rogan's going to be at this campfire. | ||
| What? | ||
| Don't you think you'd be, like, the best person to be at a campfire? | ||
| You'd be a bunch of dudes who'd want to take pictures with me with their fists up. | ||
| You'd probably just imagine you with, like, a campfire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show up at fucking Coors Light in big coolers, and they'd be like, yo, bro, who's going to beat GSP? Stop ruining this campfire, bro! | |
| Man, we're talking about ancient civilizations, bro. | ||
| Oh, fuck those ancient faggots. | ||
| You want a beer? | ||
| My boy wants to eat worms! | ||
| My boy wants to eat worms! | ||
| Let's do shots, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go get worms! | |
| Yeah, that's what would happen. | ||
| You should have campfires. | ||
| Imagine, instead of comedy nights, you have campfire night, where you're in the middle of a campfire, you all bring your tents and you all hang out and smoke weed and do mushrooms, and you're in the middle, just like doing what you're doing now, or stand-up kind of, but kind of like a mellow-talking campfire guy. | ||
| That sounds like a great way to get annoyed by hippies. | ||
| True. | ||
| You're gonna deal with a lot of stinky dudes. | ||
| Somebody starts bringing harmonica. | ||
| No harmonicas! | ||
| There's gonna be a bunch of stinky dudes that need favors. | ||
| It's gonna be annoying. | ||
| It'll be annoying. | ||
| That's the number one problem with marijuana is hippies. | ||
| Goddamn some of them are annoying. | ||
| Can you imagine the smell of a hacky sack convention? | ||
| Yeah, I could. | ||
| I could, now you brought it up. | ||
| Patrulli and happy sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweats. | |
| Yeah, hippies, you know, the idea behind it is great. | ||
| The problem is, a lot of the people that fall into that mode of thinking, they're all fucked up. | ||
| You know, and they're lazy too. | ||
| That's another problem with hippies. | ||
| A lot of them are fucking lazy. | ||
| You know, a lot of them are always broke and always want you to help them out. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's a drain. | ||
| Like, if you have hippies for friends, it's like... | ||
| Some of them are just constantly asking for favors. | ||
| And it gets so annoying. | ||
| It's like you have to cut them off as friends. | ||
| You're just always needy, you fuck. | ||
| Get your goddamn shit together. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| How many dudes do you know that are like that? | ||
| That are always broke? | ||
| It's like, come on, man. | ||
| You gotta get your shit together. | ||
| You know, it's a lot better out here, though. | ||
| Back in Ohio, it's completely different. | ||
| It's way more brokesters in Ohio. | ||
| At least out here, most people that I know are... | ||
| You know, kind of like have jobs like us where, you know, where it's like comics and people that aren't working 9 to 5. Well, the people that are in your circle. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| Living a regular life, you know, regular jobs, it's very hard for people to do after a while. | ||
| Because, you know, we're sold this bill of goods that all you need to be happy is... | ||
| Find something that pays well. | ||
| Steady work. | ||
| Doesn't matter if you don't love it. | ||
| You still have your free time. | ||
| You go through it and you move up the ladder and you make more money and you buy a bigger house. | ||
| And then you fucking die. | ||
| There's no end to that. | ||
| And for some idea, for some reason, we're sold that there is. | ||
| We're sold that we're doing something. | ||
| We're working hard and eventually it's going to pay off. | ||
| It doesn't pay off. | ||
| You just die. | ||
| Everybody just dies. | ||
| So you have to enjoy this. | ||
| This is what you have to enjoy right now. | ||
| And it's not possible for everybody. | ||
| There's been a lot of times in your life and in my life that we weren't enjoying things. | ||
| I wasn't enjoying life. | ||
| I didn't have good things happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's think about the other day. | |
| You used to drive limos. | ||
| I drove limos. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| Did you ever do anything famous or anyone famous or anyone that was like, wow, Frank Sinatra is in the back of my limo. | ||
| No, I almost got to drive Stevie Ray Vaughan, but he wouldn't take limos. | ||
| He would only take a cab. | ||
| Was that like the worst day for you? | ||
| You were like, I'm getting drunk tonight. | ||
| I was like, I probably would have panicked. | ||
| I probably would have killed him. | ||
| It would have probably been me that killed him and not the helicopter. | ||
| I was a huge Stevie Ray Vaughan fan. | ||
| So if I really got to drive him in a car, I'd probably panic. | ||
| I was only 19 years old. | ||
| I was an idiot. | ||
| Maybe I was 20. 20? | ||
| I wasn't at home, so yeah. | ||
| I think I moved out of my parents' house when I was 20. So I think I was 21 when I was doing that. | ||
| I was watching a driver when we were out of town in New York. | ||
| I was watching the limbo driver, and he had to sit in his car the whole day. | ||
| He was having a full-on, with his wife, just having conversations. | ||
| And I felt bad for these guys, because they're gone for chunks at a time. | ||
| It's a hard job. | ||
| You know what's really hard about it is the hours. | ||
| They want you to work crazy hours. | ||
| I mean, and the way they would put it to me, though, when I first got the job there, they were saying, you know what, a lot of you guys, you're going to go to school and, you know, you're going to try to make a living and you're going to realize it's a hard job force out there. | ||
| You know, it's hard to get jobs. | ||
| You look at Mikey over there. | ||
| He's been working here for 10 years. | ||
| He doesn't bust his ass. | ||
| He sits down in a nice car all day and he makes $60,000 a year. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's real money. | ||
| That's what they said to me. | ||
| And I was sitting there going, oh my god, do you know how many hours that guy works? | ||
| He doesn't have a life. | ||
| He gave away his whole life for $60,000 a year. | ||
| This fucking guy was literally no bullshit working 16 hours every day. | ||
| He was always there. | ||
| And I looked at him and I was like, okay, you got tricked, son. | ||
| You're doing the wrong thing, man. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| But, you know, that ain't easy, man. | ||
| If you got a job, if you're only doing it for a few hours a day, you know, if you're doing it like a regular job, it ain't bad, really. | ||
| If you have good clients, you know, what are you doing? | ||
| You're sitting down, you're driving. | ||
| That's no big deal. | ||
| But they want you to work crazy hours. | ||
| I was doing 40 hours a week, and they were mad at me. | ||
| They wanted me to put in more hours. | ||
| Like, I'd work eight hours. | ||
| I would work eight hours, and I would want to go home. | ||
| And then we're going, 8 hours is nothing. | ||
| Mikey, there's 12, and he's still waiting for his next cup. | ||
| And he'll be like, well, fuck Mikey, and fuck you. | ||
| I worked 8 hours. | ||
| Get me out of here, stupid. | ||
| I don't want any more hours. | ||
| I got work to do. | ||
| I had a gig at some fucking bar, you know, one of these comedy things, and I had to leave work for the gig. | ||
| And when I was there, on the way there, they switched the gigs. | ||
| Like, they said, oh, we're going to send you to this one instead. | ||
| Like, there was like a, I think it was probably Boston Comedy at the time. | ||
| There was like a booking agency. | ||
| And they had a bunch of these little gigs, you know, like in weird little places. | ||
| You'd drive like an hour and a half, and it was like a little sports bar, and they'd have a little stage, and you would go on stage. | ||
| And sometimes they would switch you, like say, hey, this guy's going to go with him because he doesn't have a car, so why don't you go to this place instead? | ||
| So that's what I did. | ||
| And so this asshole called up the fucking bar where I was supposed to be, because he asked me, like, you're leaving now? | ||
| I'm like, I got a gig. | ||
| So he calls up the fucking bar. | ||
| And then the next day he says, you lying motherfucker. | ||
| You told me you were working. | ||
| Dude, I worked eight hours. | ||
| And yeah, I had to tell him the whole story to keep my job. | ||
| And he had to call this bar. | ||
| After working eight hours. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| I used to wash windows with me and this girl. | ||
| And it was the worst. | ||
| This little girl would hold the ladder and I would have to climb like four stories up. | ||
| While stoned out of my mind and trying to clean windows like bending over and stuff. | ||
| Why were you doing that stoned? | ||
| Because it was like $12 an hour. | ||
| And in Ohio, $12 an hour is amazing. | ||
| Why were you doing it stoned? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Why were you doing that stoned? | ||
| Because we're washing windows, dude. | ||
| I mean, what else are you going to do? | ||
| Like wash windows and be sober? | ||
| Well, I would think if you got way the fuck up there on a ladder like that, god damn, that'd be terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, but sometimes you just go to a house and you go, oh fuck, why did I get stoned? | ||
| You look at the house and you're like, oh no. | ||
| Anyways, my boss, this old lady, said that me or the girl, who was my girlfriend at the time, but we worked together, stole something from her house. | ||
| And we got fired. | ||
| The boss was yelling and screaming at us and wasn't even going to pay us any paycheck and stuff. | ||
| Then a week later, he called us back and goes, oh, by the way, she found what she was looking for and she apologizes. | ||
| And I'm like, well, yeah, me and this girl are fired. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Fucking dick ass. | ||
| Do you remember what it's like to have a boss? | ||
| Like, have bosses? | ||
| Oh, most of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| The worst is waiting tables, too. | ||
| They treat you like shit. | ||
| The idea that someone who is above you in a work organization that gets to treat you like shit, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. | ||
| I did construction. | ||
| Most of the time I did construction, I did it under nice guys. | ||
| I never had any real bad bosses. | ||
| But I did have one bad boss as a landscaper. | ||
| A guy was an asshole. | ||
| Just an asshole. | ||
| Just not friendly. | ||
| Not nice. | ||
| Wanted you to always work harder. | ||
| Never had a smile. | ||
| Never appreciated your work. | ||
| Would give your money at the end of the week. | ||
| Would look like you didn't even deserve this. | ||
| I'm like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I worked for you all week, you cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I worked all week, all day, all week, exhausted at the end of every day, just so tired, pushing a lawnmower in the hot sun and digging holes for people and doing whatever the fuck they want you to do. | ||
| It's labor, you know? | ||
| And this motherfucker didn't give a shit. | ||
| Like, I couldn't imagine that. | ||
| I couldn't imagine having someone work for me and having them do all this stuff and then treating them like shit. | ||
| Like, you know, you don't even fucking deserve this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, really? | |
| Like, what kind of a fucking human being, you know, makes someone work hard and doesn't appreciate that, you know? | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| And it sets you up in life to start thinking of work like that, you know? | ||
| So you never think you're going to do anything with your time that's going to be actually fun. | ||
| You don't think it's even possible, you know? | ||
| I washed dishes. | ||
| Oh, that was the worst. | ||
| It was pretty bad, but I moved up to the grill, and the grill was way worse for my acne. | ||
| So I would do fucking cheeseburgers, and I was a lazy fucking kid. | ||
| I didn't wash my face. | ||
| And I was like a teenager, so I was getting all these zits anyway. | ||
| And just my whole face was just a zit fucking festival. | ||
| I had to stop working there. | ||
| I moved up to Papageno's. | ||
| Did a little Papageno's for a while. | ||
| And then I started getting real jobs. | ||
| Then I started teaching martial arts. | ||
| You know what the best job was? | ||
| I was a projectionist for like eight years. | ||
| I mean the managers of movie theaters and stuff like that. | ||
| But working in the movie theater industry is so fun. | ||
| Especially when I was a projectionist. | ||
| My job is like, you know, thread the movie. | ||
| It's almost like an art. | ||
| Just like threading this film through this machine. | ||
| That's perfect for you too. | ||
| You're into that crazy shit. | ||
| You start the movie, you can sit there and watch it with headphones on. | ||
| Or I just like go out back, smoke weed. | ||
| You know, it was just like that was my job. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| One of the coolest times ever after a show once, back at the old Laugh Stop in Houston, this was right when the Blair Witch Project came out, and these kids came to the show, and then after they came to the show, we all went out and we watched Blair Witch at the theater. | ||
| It was really late at night, because the show at the Laugh Stop was like, 11 o'clock at night and it went on to like 1.30. | ||
| So it was like 2 o'clock in the morning by the time we get out and these kids opened up the theater and turned it on and did everything just for us. | ||
| So it was like me and them and you know my friend Chris McGuire and like one other guy from the comedy club and we all watched Blair Witch and this fucking movie theater. | ||
| Nowadays they fucking hook xboxes up to it and it's all digitally projected. | ||
| My friend Wagner's like anytime you want to come like they do it on the IMAX screen at uh Universal? | ||
| Make us fucking sit there and play Xbox on IMAX. Dude. | ||
| Perfect HD. My head might explode. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Quake? | ||
| My fucking head might explode. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I'm scared of Quake, dude. | ||
| To this day. | ||
| I thought about playing it the other day. | ||
| I got scared. | ||
| By the way, dude, your DVD's out, too. | ||
| You should plug that. | ||
| And my short movie's on there, Talking Monkeys and Columbus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's pretty cool. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| Yeah, the DVD's out. | ||
| So if you saw the special on TV, it's that, and there's a lot of, it's uncensored, and there's a lot of Q&A footage. | ||
| There's like 45 minutes or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot. | ||
| It's like, I don't remember how many minutes it is, but it's a lot of Q&A. And I do that at most of the shows. | ||
| I just, I always feel like it makes it more fun. | ||
| You know, like, it's one thing to have like a normal comedy show. | ||
| And I know you want that too. | ||
| But I think it's also fun to just shoot the shit together and me make fun of things with a microphone. | ||
| And so at the end of the show, I always have that kind of Q&A type thing. | ||
| Except it's almost becoming bits because everyone asks the same questions. | ||
| And that kind of sucks because if you see you twice and you're getting the same questions, then it's like, what? | ||
| There's the same questions? | ||
| Some things have to be answered the same way. | ||
| Like the DMT thing. | ||
| There's no other way to answer it. | ||
| When I try to explain that, there's no other way to explain it. | ||
| I have to explain it the best way I can explain it. | ||
| And that's that. | ||
| And it's going to sound the same way every time. | ||
| The only way it's funny is if I do it like that anyway. | ||
| It is a bit. | ||
| You know what I'm going to do about that? | ||
| I'm going to put that on my next comedy special, that description of it, so that way nobody ever asks me again. | ||
| Because they know what it is. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, you're not going to yell out DMT and I'll just say, go to iTunes, bitch. | ||
| You know? | ||
| At a certain point in time, it's like I can't keep talking about the same things over and over again. | ||
| And that's one of them that's been... | ||
| Ever since I've done conversations about it on Jim Brewer's show. | ||
| I hate the fight about who's going to win versus who. | ||
| People don't get that. | ||
| You've said that a million times. | ||
| Don't ask, what do you think about this fight and this fight? | ||
| Who's going to win? | ||
| I know people like to talk about fights. | ||
| They just like to talk about it. | ||
| That's like baseball to me. | ||
| People like baseball. | ||
| Well, there's a certain amount of people that just like that. | ||
| They just like to talk about it. | ||
| I appreciate the fact that You know, they like me as a commentator and they want to know my take on things, you know, and I understand that. | ||
| But, you know, I can't. | ||
| First of all, I wouldn't give a prediction. | ||
| The only time I'd ever give a prediction is if something's ridiculous. | ||
| You know, like, you know, Fedor's going to fight my mom. | ||
| I'm going to say, oh, my mom's fucked. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But unless it's like that, I don't give predictions. | ||
| And those fights don't occur in the UFC. The UFC fights, 99% of them, I'm like... | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is going to happen here with this? | ||
| I can see a lot of scenarios taking place. | ||
| And neither one of them is definite, for sure. | ||
| So I would never say, this guy's going to do this. | ||
| And when I hear guys, especially guys that have never fought in anything before, they're just sports broadcaster type dudes, and they're talking shit about fighters, and like, this guy doesn't belong in there with them, and it's going to be... | ||
| You know, easy work for that guy and, you know, I look for him to knock him out in the first round. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| You're just making some crazy prediction about what the fuck is going to happen in a fight between two skilled men that are more than capable of smashing each other. | ||
| You zig when you should have zagged. | ||
| BAM! Somebody cracks one, the knees give out, and you got a flashlight in your face when you wake up. | ||
| That shit is normal. | ||
| That's par for the course. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| I mean, people who never thought they were going to get knocked out, get knocked out. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| People get submitted when they were winning easily. | ||
| You know, guys who no one ever thought would get submitted. | ||
| That dude in the WEC recently got submitted. | ||
| Karen Darabedian, I think his name is. | ||
| Badass fucking grappler. | ||
| And he fucked up. | ||
| He left an arm in there and this dude took his arm bar. | ||
| You can't predict shit. | ||
| There was a power outage at the last UFC, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| How long did... | ||
| Was it off, on? | ||
| Or was it a... | ||
| I tweeted that Ariane plugged her vibrator in backstage and it crushed the circuit breaker. | ||
| You see the power adapter of it? | ||
| But she tweeted then that it was actually my butt plug, my vibrating butt plug. | ||
| I thought your shit was solar power. | ||
| She made me feel really bad about that. | ||
| But yeah, it was right before Roy Nelson fought Stefan Struve, right before they went into the fight, the power went out. | ||
| That's never happened before. | ||
| It was totally a first. | ||
| Did you see Ariane has her own shirt that they sell at UFCs now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's awesome. | |
| It's just her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to... | |
| Get one of them. | ||
| You should. | ||
| You should wear it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Put it on backwards. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| No, if you put it on backwards, then her face and skin will be touching you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| Like she's hugging you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you put on some Barry White. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| You will never find... | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Who is not Barry White? | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Chef from South Park. | ||
| You gotta see this. | ||
| What is South Park, dude? | ||
| It's about medical marijuana. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| I have to see so many of them. | ||
| I have a bunch of them saved up on the DVR. South Park is the best ever. | ||
| No show has been consistently funny for this long as South Park. | ||
| That's the greatest show in the history of the world. | ||
| They're the meanest when they go after somebody. | ||
| They're the funniest, the most fucked up. | ||
| There's no show that's even close to as fucked up. | ||
| That show that they did where Paris Hilton had the whore off with the gay dude and he stuffed Paris Hilton up his ass like, oh my god. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that was good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just so funny. | ||
| They'll take you a place and you're like, there's no way they're going to go, I can't fucking believe you did that! | ||
| They just do it consistently over and over and over again. | ||
| It's the number one show for me, guaranteed, I'm going to love it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to hang with Trey Parker so bad. | ||
| Yeah, maybe he will try to fuck you or something. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think he's probably one of the funniest guys ever as far as creativity. | ||
| I don't think anybody has ever put out as much stuff as prolific as he is. | ||
| No one has ever put out as much funny stuff as that guy. | ||
| And the other guy too. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know who's writing it. | ||
| You've seen Cannibal the Musical. | ||
| Who writes it? | ||
| Who's writing it? | ||
| Trey does. | ||
| He writes everything. | ||
| He writes everything. | ||
| I think he just helps once in a while, but it's mostly... | ||
| Are you sure Matt doesn't write it at all? | ||
| We don't want to give him credit. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| From what I understand, that Trey just locks himself in his office and just mad writer, and he's always changing stuff, and... | ||
| There's no show that's been like that. | ||
| I mean, think about what they're doing. | ||
| They have these little corny-looking animated dudes that they're, you know, they're really, really, really crude. | ||
| You know, the images are so crude. | ||
| And it's really easy to do, you know, as far as, like, that kind of stuff is. | ||
| And then they consistently go after more shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trevor... | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I was going to answer something real quick. | ||
| Trevor, they don't have a team of writers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| This guy says they have a team of writers. | ||
| But he knows the people that work there. | ||
| He's actually been there before. | ||
| I think they had a team of writers at one point for a season or something. | ||
| Or help. | ||
| Writer help. | ||
| But from my understanding now, it's really just Trey. | ||
| Yeah, everybody says this week's episode, groovy, girly. | ||
| Everybody says that it's the greatest episode ever. | ||
| I have to check it out. | ||
| It's pretty ridiculous. | ||
| There's one part about it. | ||
| They're so good, man. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| It's humbling. | ||
| It's humbling how much that guy's put out. | ||
| You think about the stuff that you've done, like how productive you've been over your life, and you see what that guy's done. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I just wish that Team America 2 would happen. | ||
| He hates it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It was the hardest movie ever for everybody. | ||
| God damn, that was a good one. | ||
| I think that's top five. | ||
| Maybe the first one. | ||
| There was no movie ever The first time I saw it made me laugh that hard. | ||
| No movie. | ||
| No movie even came close. | ||
| The second time it wasn't as funny to me, but the third time... | ||
| The third time was just as good as the second time. | ||
| I just saw it the other day and it was maybe funnier than the first time I saw it because I forgot how funny it was. | ||
| Maybe I saw it too close to each other. | ||
| A lot of it was shocking. | ||
| It's like seeing Borat twice. | ||
| We saw Borat once and then again five years later. | ||
| I tried to do that. | ||
| I didn't enjoy it. | ||
| I didn't enjoy it the second time, but I loved it so much the first time. | ||
| There's certain things that you can't see twice, but certain things you can see over and over and over again. | ||
| Comedy is a very funny thing like that. | ||
| Why is really bad stuff like Roadhouse or Showgirls or something like that? | ||
| The more you see it, the funnier it is. | ||
| You can see it a bunch of times and it gets funnier. | ||
| Because you start knowing the script of it and you want to There's some movies that are so ridiculous that it's just going... | ||
| Oh, this one right here. | ||
| Howard the Duck. | ||
| Oh, Ducky. | ||
| That movie. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| The Room. | ||
| Adventures in Babysitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody needs this playoff scene. | |
| This was recommended to me. | ||
| I think we've talked about this before, did we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| If you want a bad movie, go get this. | ||
| The Room. | ||
| It's fucking genius. | ||
| Don't watch it by yourself. | ||
| It's not as fun. | ||
| But if you watch it with some friends that are funny... | ||
| It's a genius, geniusly bad movie. | ||
| Apparently they have screenings in Hollywood, and they play that movie, and people get there and they quote the words, because everyone knows the words, and it's like a sort of Rocky Horror Picture thing. | ||
| It's that bad. | ||
| You want to borrow it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I could just make a copy. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Can I just look at it on my computer real quick? | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
| Let me just look at it on my computer real quick. | ||
| Alrighty. | ||
| I just want to observe... | ||
| No, let's not even do this online. | ||
| I don't even want people to get the wrong impression here. | ||
| Everyone likes Fight Club? | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| I didn't like Fight Club. | ||
| I liked it for a while, and then when I found out that the two dudes were actually one dude, I was like, what? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And I didn't like it anymore. | ||
| So I liked it up until the end. | ||
| That movie rules, dude. | ||
| I didn't like it after I found out that there were supposed to be two dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because he's punching himself in the face. | ||
| Have you ever seen Memento? | ||
| Yes, that was way more believable. | ||
| The problem is you're seeing a bunch of shit in this movie that didn't really happen. | ||
| But it's still like the style of it, the visuals. | ||
| But it's a shitty plot device, yes. | ||
| It's a shitty plot device. | ||
| Sometimes the ending to me is like, yeah, that sucks because it's not what I want it to be. | ||
| But everything else along the way was so amazing that you can't... | ||
| It required a suspension of disbelief that I wasn't willing to give it. | ||
| When all of a sudden you're telling me that everything I saw was just his imagination. | ||
| So this entire movie, what was real out of this fucking movie? | ||
| Because in the movie I saw, there was two different people. | ||
| And if one part of it was absolutely a figment of his imagination, what about the rest of it? | ||
| How do I know what I'm watching anymore? | ||
| Now I'm watching nonsense. | ||
| Now you have this shitty plot device where you can say, oh, it was just a dream. | ||
| Oh, he's gone crazy. | ||
| This is what's really happening. | ||
| He's hitting himself. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| So what has really happened? | ||
| This guy's just been sitting around hitting himself? | ||
| There's been no real fighting? | ||
| What's really gone on? | ||
| I think you just don't like seeing Brad Pitt get hurt, dude. | ||
| This is part of me. | ||
| Leave him alone! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leave him alone! | |
| Yeah, that's another funny part about that movie. | ||
| You know, everybody's liking, enjoying getting the fuck beat out of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I would hope that that's not the case in real life. | ||
| I hope there's not really... | ||
| Oh, there's totally real fight clubs like that. | ||
| Like those old videos we used to see about the fights in the yards. | ||
| What are they called? | ||
| Where they're like gang fights almost over in Russia. | ||
| The Russian gang fights. | ||
| That's the same... | ||
| That's a fight club. | ||
| That's the exact same thing. | ||
| Well, that's like a gang war. | ||
| Yeah, YouTube Russian... | ||
| Fights. | ||
| Russian soccer thug fight. | ||
| Yeah, soccer fights. | ||
| They beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| We've talked about that on here before. | ||
| Yeah, those guys are nuts. | ||
| Russians, they're a different breed, son. | ||
| That's a hardy race. | ||
| I'm addicted to those videos. | ||
| Those Russians, they love the brawl, son. | ||
| I'm a fan of Norm MacDonald. | ||
| Huge fan. | ||
| Norm MacDonald's one of my favorite comedians. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Norm MacDonald is a very unique dude. | ||
| There's something really just funny about him. | ||
| I'd love to go canoeing with him. | ||
| I'd love to talk to him about anything. | ||
| He's one of those dudes you just want to talk to. | ||
| I wanted Fight Club to be a buddy film. | ||
| Hey, fuck you, man! | ||
| Fuck you, Hector... | ||
| Wow, you got some crazy shit going on with your name. | ||
| Dangus Esquire. | ||
| Wow, I like your avatar though. | ||
| That's pretty dope. | ||
| Blinking third eye. | ||
| You crafty internet hacker you. | ||
| Have I seen Donnie Darko? | ||
| Yeah, I liked that a lot. | ||
| I thought that was an interesting movie. | ||
| You did like it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was pretty interesting, man. | ||
| Donnie Darko. | ||
| And don't get me wrong. | ||
| I love Fight... | ||
| I mean, if I had to see Fight Club again, I would watch it up until the moment. | ||
| I would watch it up until the moment where you find out there's two people and then I shut it off. | ||
| Because I liked it up until then. | ||
| You know, just... | ||
| I don't like... | ||
| That's what I didn't like about Shutter Island. | ||
| I don't like when you say, oh, it was all trick. | ||
| You know, don't give me that. | ||
| I don't want to hear it. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| Show me a real goddamn movie. | ||
| That's why I liked Avatar. | ||
| It was so clean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a feeling Lost is going to fuck my face up. | |
| The last recent episodes, it's interesting, but it's also like, uh-oh, this could get really bad. | ||
| Bad? | ||
| It could. | ||
| It has the potential to be ending in a way that you're just like, Are you kidding me? | ||
| I think this year it just seems silly. | ||
| Like they're leaping back and forth in time. | ||
| Once they hit the nuclear bomb and went back in time, I was like, what is happening? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You can't just nuclear jump back and forth through time. | ||
| You know, stop it. | ||
| Just stop it. | ||
| I need more. | ||
| I need more from you than that. | ||
| I need a little more than you blow off a nuclear weapon and we go back in time. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| It's too dumb. | ||
| And then, where are we now? | ||
| We're in 1977. What do we do? | ||
| No, you would be shitting your pants going, fuck, we're stuck in 77. No, internet, even refrigerators sucked back then. | ||
| Nothing was good then. | ||
| The cars were all shitty. | ||
| The brakes were all... | ||
| It barely stopped for anything. | ||
| Dude, it sucked back then. | ||
| Everything sucked. | ||
| It would suck if you had to live back in 77. Fuck that. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| It would suck. | ||
| Dude, I got a new beanbag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah, they were allowed to shoot you if they saw weed on you. | ||
| Weed was totally illegal back then. | ||
| I have not seen Michael Rupert's film Collapse, but I heard it's really good. | ||
| That guy scares the shit out of me. | ||
| Netflix, iPad, watch it. | ||
| He's one of those end-of-the-world dudes. | ||
| Is Collapse on Netflix? | ||
| Sure it is. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Let's find out, right? | ||
| I thought it was only out in the movies or something. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Find out. | ||
| Google that shit. | ||
| Netflix. | ||
| Collapse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's probably some fucking 9-11 shit, isn't it? | |
| Michael Rupert's shit is, I think it's all out about Peak Oil, and he's the guy that exposed the CIA for selling drugs in movies theaters, though. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2009. DVD Unknown. | |
| Let's check out the rest of the questions we have here on the message board. | ||
| Because there's a bunch of them up here. | ||
| Like I said, we had a stop last week because I had a staph infection. | ||
| I had a little... | ||
| We should mention our friend Outlaw. | ||
| Did we talk about that past? | ||
| No, we didn't. | ||
| Our good friend Outlaw from Joe's message board has passed. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| We all love him very much. | ||
| Really cool guy. | ||
| Much love to his wife. | ||
| Yeah, much love. | ||
| He was a really fun guy. | ||
| He was a dude that was on my message board from the beginning, really. | ||
| I can't remember when he was never there. | ||
| I mean, I don't remember a time. | ||
| There was one time where he took off for a while, and I called him at home. | ||
| I got his information from somebody. | ||
| I called him at home, and I found out that his brother had... | ||
| Died recently, and he had some real serious family issues. | ||
| He was very depressed. | ||
| I talked to him, and it was nice to know that he was okay physically, but he was real sad. | ||
| Then he came back and eventually became his old self again, and he was just one of the funniest posters, man. | ||
| Dude was so quick. | ||
| Really witty, and apparently, according to his wife, he had always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why he liked to hang out on my board, because he got the chance to really be an online comedian. | ||
| I mean, that's a real thing now. | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| There are dudes, and message boards are like their comedy stage. | ||
| You're a good example of that. | ||
| I consider you, I mean you've done stand-up comedy a few times, but I consider you like an internet comedian because you make these little videos that are funny and you put them up on the internet. | ||
| Well the problem is you spend so much time, like five hours, you're spending a ton of hours, Just so you can get three to five minutes in front of eight people. | ||
| I could spend the same amount of time making video that thousands will see. | ||
| So it's like, why would I want to do it on stage when I could do the same thing on the internet and get 50 million times more people seeing it? | ||
| Right, and then eventually, like I said with the Ari thing, if you get enough people to see your shit on the internet, you can develop an internet community, and then you can go do a show somewhere. | ||
| And that's the kind of shit that Ari really needs to take advantage of. | ||
| Because Ari has a name. | ||
| I mean, he's been opening up for me for years. | ||
| Thousands of people have seen him because of that. | ||
| And then he's been on the Jim Norton show, Down and Dirty with Jim Norton. | ||
| And he's got a lot of clips on the internet. | ||
| And he's been on Opie and Anthony with me a bunch of times. | ||
| He was on the last time when I was there. | ||
| So he's got enough stuff happening that he should have a community. | ||
| It's just a matter of putting it together. | ||
| That's why it's so much better now than it's ever been before. | ||
| You know, for comedians. | ||
| And my message board is one of the best parts about it. | ||
| And this dude, Outlaw, was one of the best parts about my message board. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| And he was just... | ||
| We got a chance to hang out with him in real life a few times. | ||
| Once way back in Houston, way, way back in the day. | ||
| How many years ago was that? | ||
| Seven. | ||
| Seven years ago. | ||
| And then again recently, last year, he came to Dallas. | ||
| And one or two other times other than that, too. | ||
| At least one that I can remember. | ||
| One of the saddest things for me is going to his Facebook pages and his photos. | ||
| I forgot for Christmas last year, I think. | ||
| For Christmas, I sent him a photo of me shaving my chest going, ooh. | ||
| Not really shaving my chest, but like a photo of me. | ||
| And just as a joke, because that's how our relationship all works. | ||
| What is on the internet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Photoshop's back and forth with silly photos and stuff. | |
| And so then I went to his Facebook and he has that on his Facebook page. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, that fucking photo. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Yeah, that is one of the cool things about the message board is like, you know, we have like these online friends. | ||
| You know, they really are online friends. | ||
| Some of them you never meet. | ||
| Some of them, they just exist online. | ||
| And as long as your personality is cool and you're friendly and you're funny, You know, you eventually get into the whole mix there. | ||
| And that's what's encouraged funniness and personality and openness and the idea that you don't have to fucking get in fights with everybody you talk to online and that if you do say something to somebody, it better be funny. | ||
| If you're going to be a douche about something, it should be really funny. | ||
| And it's nice to have something like that. | ||
| It's nice to get a chance to meet cool people that I probably would never meet in real life, like you, or like Outlaw, or like Tony Z. There's a lot of people, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that we've met online, Bad Bobby. | ||
| There's really cool guys that I look forward to seeing. | ||
| When I'm in town and I see them, it's fun to hang with. | ||
| Johnny Rotten and Jen. | ||
| Yeah, Johnny Rotten and Jen. | ||
| Jane Flower and her husband Henry. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that we've met that are really cool. | ||
| It's a nice thing to have cultivated. | ||
| I'm just happy that we got a chance to hang out with this guy. | ||
| I'm happy that we were in his life and that he took pleasure in hanging out on my message board. | ||
| One of the best artists I know too, and it's crazy that he wasn't making millions from his art. | ||
| Yeah, he was a really creative guy. | ||
| First of all, he was in Oklahoma and he didn't feel like he had a lot of opportunities around him all the time. | ||
| He just didn't feel like that many things were available to him. | ||
| But he was a great guy, man. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It really does suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was fairly young, right? | ||
| How old was he? | ||
| Yeah, he was my age, 35. So I'm kind of paranoid, or kind of scared now. | ||
| I've been eating broccoli a lot lately. | ||
| I've been eating radishes. | ||
| Who eats radishes? | ||
| This guy. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I've been cleaning up my diet a lot lately. | ||
| I've been eating a lot more vegetables. | ||
| Scary as shit. | ||
| It's important to take care of your health, man. | ||
| And people don't appreciate that, respect that. | ||
| It's so easy to eat shitty. | ||
| It tastes good, you know? | ||
| It tastes good to eat fucking cheeseburgers with shit sauce. | ||
| And we always give Ari a hard time about it. | ||
| Dude, did you see the photo he tweeted when you guys were in North Carolina? | ||
| Of the barbecue? | ||
| No, of what he ate that night. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Potato chips, M&Ms, beef jerky, ho-hos. | ||
| Like, look at the photo. | ||
| It's on his Twitter, backslash Ari Shafir. | ||
| He does put away some junk food. | ||
| Dude, it was like, alright, that right there is like nipple cancer, you know? | ||
| He killed in Charlotte. | ||
| He had a really good set in Charlotte. | ||
| Yeah, he blew it up. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| He was really funny. | ||
| He was in New York, going up a lot in New York. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| New York's pretty cool, but never could live there. | ||
| He's thinking about living there. | ||
| He's thinking about making a move. | ||
| That's crazy, people. | ||
| Maybe it'd be good for him. | ||
| Maybe do something totally different. | ||
| Mix it up. | ||
| That's crazy that I've never experienced in my life. | ||
| You have to be in a different head space. | ||
| I used to like it, and I like it when I go back there a little bit. | ||
| Part of it is just I know people there and I like it for a quick jolt. | ||
| Get in there and get out of there. | ||
| I love going on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| I love meeting my old pool playing friends. | ||
| I'd be an alcoholic immediately living there. | ||
| It seems like that's the only thing to do. | ||
| And plus, when we came off the plane in California after there, Just seeing nature, seeing grassy fields and trees. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, I didn't see any of that when I was in New York. | ||
| Well, this is the perfect time to be driving around California. | ||
| It's right after the rain. | ||
| Yeah, everything's green. | ||
| I don't care if it sounds gay, but when I'm getting the mail and it smells like roses, you're just like, wow, this is so much better than shit. | ||
| Yeah, there's something to be said definitely for that. | ||
| There's definitely something to be said that it's not natural to live stacked 70 people on top of each other. | ||
| They've done like those population density studies with rats and they've found that if they have a certain amount of rats in a box everyone's cool but the more rats you add to the box the more fucked up behavior starts manifesting. | ||
| A lot of them become neurotic. | ||
| They start tweaking and some of them become nutty and they sit by themselves and shake. | ||
| They develop all this nutty sensory overload shit because there's too many rats. | ||
| They start attacking each other and getting violent. | ||
| It gets bad, man. | ||
| And that's what happens with fucking people. | ||
| When I was in North Carolina last week, man. | ||
| It was a couple days ago. | ||
| I love North Carolina. | ||
| You could smell it, man. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Everybody was cool. | ||
| Spread out, too. | ||
| Yeah, you go to restaurants. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing? | |
| Can we help y'all? | ||
| Would you like something to drink? | ||
| Like, everyone's like kind. | ||
| Let's move there and hang out with Cliffy B. I know, right? | ||
| He lives in Raleigh. | ||
| That's even more... | ||
| I would just need to play... | ||
| Well, you know, Raleigh. | ||
| I could fucking do stand-up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could always do stand-up with Charlie Goodnight. | |
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good club. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| Takeover, Charlie. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| The only thing that would suck is the hurricanes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| And that sucks hard, dude. | ||
| One of the waitresses at the place we ate, we ate this cool barbecue place. | ||
| And the waitress said to us that a hurricane came and picked up her neighbor's house and dropped it in a pond with them in it. | ||
| They were in their fucking house. | ||
| It picked, not a mobile house, a house. | ||
| Picked their house up and fucking flew it like 30 yards down the road into a pond. | ||
| You know, I totally forgot about storms. | ||
| I just hate being around tornadoes and storms. | ||
| Fucking weather. | ||
| Living in Ohio has raped me. | ||
| Like, I'm scared of fucking lightning now because I've just been through so much fucking crap storms. | ||
| You know what the move is, I think? | ||
| The move is a smaller town in California. | ||
| I think San Diego or Santa Barbara. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Santa Barbara. | |
| San Diego's not bad, but San Diego's so close to Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Santa Barbara? | |
| That fucking place is the bomb. | ||
| That's not a bad one. | ||
| Santa Barbara's a good call. | ||
| God, that would be amazing. | ||
| That's a good call. | ||
| Because it's still like, they have good restaurants. | ||
| Great zoo. | ||
| There's a university up there. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like zoos, man. | ||
| There's a university up there so that people could... | ||
| That's a good jail. | ||
| I love that jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| Look how clean they're all about. | ||
| There's a university up there, a couple, I think. | ||
| There's more than one, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Best line. | ||
| There's good jujitsu up there. | ||
| There's no comedy club up there, but you can do something. | ||
| Make your own! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking campfire, Joe! | ||
| Campfire! | ||
| At this point, I'm really seriously thinking about getting a regular gig somewhere. | ||
| Just have a campfire in a winery. | ||
| Tickets are $25. | ||
| You're just, you know. | ||
| Doing a gig like in Vegas, like every week, that's the only place you could do it every week because new people come in every week. | ||
| You know, there's always people coming in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But Vegas is just so bad. | |
| It's so bad for you. | ||
| It's not good to stay there. | ||
| Vegas is like smoking cigarettes. | ||
| You can get away with it for a long time, but eventually it's going to get you. | ||
| Or you could not do it and then you get hit by a bus tomorrow and you're like, I should have done it! | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I don't think I'd ever say I should have moved to Vegas. | ||
| But I think doing a gig in Vegas, even if I did it, I still wouldn't live there. | ||
| I would fly in and do it on the weekends. | ||
| I wouldn't be able to do one of those five night a week gigs. | ||
| I can't do five nights a week. | ||
| I'll lose my marbles for sure. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Five nights a week? | ||
| Dude, I'm not gonna be funny. | ||
| You know, comedy, a lot of it is based on enthusiasm, and I think if I did every night I had to do five nights a week, I don't think I would be as enthusiastic. | ||
| I like little days off sometimes and a weekend off here, and it gets the juices all fired up, and that's the best way to try to create new material, too. | ||
| You can't create new material if you're always, you know, doing long headline sets all the time. | ||
| I think the better way to do it is to just, you know, really sit down, try to break out some new ideas, and then just go up and try them on their own. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I used to introduce them to bits, but sometimes, you know, introduce them like in the middle of bits, and I still do that sometimes, but I think maybe the best way to do it is just go on stage like some crappy open mic night or something like that, you know? | ||
| I think I'm going to do that at the improv. | ||
| The idea is a new shit show. | ||
| Do a show real cheap so that the club gets something. | ||
| Like five bucks or something like that. | ||
| And then just work on all new material. | ||
| Not even have an opening act. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Just me go up. | ||
| For like an hour and a half or something like that. | ||
| I'm thinking about doing that. | ||
| That might be a good move. | ||
| I want to try all sorts of different stuff to come up with new material. | ||
| I mean, you can only get in the isolation tank so many times. | ||
| You can only look online so many times. | ||
| I want to canoe. | ||
| I miss canoeing like crazy. | ||
| Do you ever get really stoned and go canoeing? | ||
| No. | ||
| It is the best, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, where'd that come from? | |
| You're just going through nature in this boat, and once in a while it gets crazy, and you're like, oh, we're going to die. | ||
| No, and then you're back to peace. | ||
| It is so fun! | ||
| I'm not into, like, putting myself into that, oh my god, you're almost gonna die. | ||
| No, no, no, but canoeing is like, I mean, it just gets a little rapid-y. | ||
| Like, you're like this. | ||
| But it's not like rural pools and stuff. | ||
| People died. | ||
| There was a reality show that they were filming for, um, I forget what. | ||
| No, no, you could stand in it. | ||
| It's like this team. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Yeah, but this girl was, yeah, she was whitewater canoeing. | ||
| It went under, and she should have been okay, but she hit her head. | ||
| And her head, somehow or another, got wedged between two rocks, and she got stuck. | ||
| So she went out and got stuck under, and they had to go under and pull her out. | ||
| That's crazy canoeing, man. | ||
| The canoeing I did, I mean, I've been going since I was a kid, and it's for babies, but it's so just peaceful and fun, and you're... | ||
| People stop and have beer. | ||
| Well, I wouldn't mind going canoeing on a lake. | ||
| Oh yeah, lake too. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| I'm not down with letting the boat go into rocks and shit and try to avoid those. | ||
| Go, go, laugh, laugh, laugh. | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't like that at all? | ||
| I don't have any desire to put myself in a situation where I'm trying not to have the fucking canoe tip over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just don't like the hickey water. | |
| No, you know, another thing that would freak me out is that's how that VBS.TV show about the Arctic, remember there was that one dude, I think his name was Hindmo, and he lives in Alaska, in northeast Alaska. | ||
| Their daughter fell off the boat when she was two years old. | ||
| They were living up there in the fucking Yukon or whatever the hell it is up there. | ||
| What is it called up there? | ||
| North. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Arctic, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| In the Arctic Circle? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| He's way the fuck up there. | ||
| Deep, deep, deep into Alaska. | ||
| And they were on a river with a canoe and the fucking canoe tipped over and their daughter was two years old and she drowned. | ||
| And all they ever found was her little boot. | ||
| And that killed me. | ||
| That story killed me. | ||
| And every year they go to this site near where it happened and they plant flowers. | ||
| It wasn't flowers, they had ribbons because there's no flowers up there. | ||
| And it was sad as fuck, man. | ||
| Watching them cry. | ||
| And they had two grown daughters. | ||
| Like, they added two daughters afterwards. | ||
| But it still crushed them. | ||
| Thinking about their two-year-old that drowned in their canoe. | ||
| Fuck a canoe. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| Not interested in putting my life at risk for some fucking natural river ride thrill. | ||
| Not interesting. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, I understand this might be a thrill, but my logic will not let me get past the risk-to-benefit ratio. | ||
| I look at it and I get angry at myself even thinking about trying it. | ||
| It just seems like it's dumb. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So good luck on you both, faggot. | ||
| 2012 tour with Stanhope. | ||
| Last time Stanhope and I talked, he wanted to do it and I wanted to do it. | ||
| I think that would be awesome. | ||
| Have an end of the world show. | ||
| And then the real end of the world would be that the world wouldn't end. | ||
| Have you ever read the book Behold a Pale Horse? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's a great conspiracy book, Death Rock Dance. | ||
| I thought it was a bad book. | ||
| I thought that guy sounds like he's a nut. | ||
| Sounds like either he's crazy or he's like a disinformation guy. | ||
| And there are people, without a doubt, who are paid to say things that seem like nonsense. | ||
| And say those nonsense things along with things that do make sense and are true and real. | ||
| And thereby, the nonsense discredits the real information. | ||
| So, you know, if someone says, like, did you know that, you know, the government did this in 1970? | ||
| And then you can go, oh, really? | ||
| Where'd you read that? | ||
| Well, I read it from William Cooper's book. | ||
| Is that the guy that believes there's alien bases on the moon that are watching us and that there's information that they have given us? | ||
| Oh, come on, man. | ||
| That guy sounds like a loon. | ||
| He sounds fucking crazy. | ||
| He's a guy that also said that the driver is the one who killed Kennedy. | ||
| He believes that the driver turned around and shot Kennedy. | ||
| And he could clearly see it in a pruder film. | ||
| Like, he's nuts. | ||
| He says shit that's so nutty, I have to believe... | ||
| There's one or two options. | ||
| Either he's completely out of his fucking mind and people just believed him, or he's a plant. | ||
| He's a guy that they hired to distribute disinformation, to make things and theories appear ridiculous. | ||
| It's very possible that he's that. | ||
| There's definitely people that do that. | ||
| There's people that have admitted that the government hires people to blog, hires people to go online and post on message boards and to bait issues. | ||
| You know, anytime anything specific comes up, you know, they have guys that they'll send On that issue if they believe that this is causing dissent and some sort of a meme of consciousness that they can avoid. | ||
| They'll attack it. | ||
| They'll try to discredit things. | ||
| I mean, it's pretty standard. | ||
| They would have to do that. | ||
| They've got to realize how big the internet is. | ||
| You hear all that fucking hard drive noise my computer's making? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your computer's about to die. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Flash Player, Safari. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| They want me to send in a report. | ||
| You know your shit sucks, faggot. | ||
| It's still recording. | ||
| Flash Player just died. | ||
| Well, it quit on Safari, bro. | ||
| It didn't quit on Firefox. | ||
| Safari can suck it. | ||
| Safari can suck it. | ||
| Yeah, the browser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Fuck Flash. | ||
| Yeah, Flash is whack. | ||
| Do you see HTML 5.0? | ||
| They made it into Quake 2? | ||
| You can play Quake 2 in your browser. | ||
| 60 frames per second. | ||
| Just going to a website. | ||
| This guy's hilarious. | ||
| The government is... | ||
| I wonder if you're telling the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me start shaking my keys every time I talk to you. | |
| Shaking your keys? | ||
| Wow, does that help? | ||
| My friend and I have to do that because their mind wanders. | ||
| So I was just listening to what this guy wrote. | ||
| The government is only out to protect itself from the rest of us. | ||
| I wonder if he's being serious. | ||
| Some people really think like that. | ||
| The government has to do that because otherwise people would overthrow the government. | ||
| It's just the whole idea, and you're not supposed to say this, but the whole idea that everybody should have a say in how the world works is ridiculous. | ||
| There's just too many dummies out there. | ||
| And there's no way to stop that. | ||
| We have kind of bypassed nature. | ||
| It's not only a strong survive anymore, it's everybody survives. | ||
| It's like, no matter what, we try to keep you going. | ||
| You can be the dumbest motherfucker ever and we try to keep you going. | ||
| That didn't always used to be the case. | ||
| And I think because it is the case, it's just way too many dummies. | ||
| A regular democracy just isn't going to work. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why the government's completely full of shit and why there's just such a cash grab at the top and why, you know, why they still push war and why they still... | ||
| Because they know. | ||
| They know that there's no way this fucking system is supposed to be working. | ||
| You can't have a real democracy. | ||
| People are too dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| The Sarah Palin thing proves all that. | ||
| Look how many people are into that show. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You would think that in a society in 2010 that someone who literally doesn't read at all, you would find out about that and be like, get that crazy bitch out of here. | ||
| She can't be president. | ||
| But no, people love it. | ||
| They love her more than ever. | ||
| What? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I've hit the wall of starting to go cross-eyed. | ||
| Dude, you're so weak. | ||
| You need to take vitamins, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| I know. | ||
| It's a lot of talking, Joe. | ||
| It's a lot of talking. | ||
| I know, but you can't just say that. | ||
| We didn't even hit the two hour mark. | ||
| These people are listening to us and they're bored now. | ||
| People are listening. | ||
| People download this shit on iPods. | ||
| I'm tired of talking. | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have the longest podcast in the history of the internet. | |
| You know that? | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yes! | ||
| Go look! | ||
| Somebody must have had a longer one than two hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never! | |
| That's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never! | |
| Okay. | ||
| You're being silly, son. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| You're being silly. | ||
| There's probably some guy sitting there with no pants on. | ||
| There's some guy talking about 9-11. | ||
| This podcast is nine hours long. | ||
| He does it every day. | ||
| Alex Jones. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| We will not be suppressed! | ||
| Did you see that interview with Alex Jones on something the other day? | ||
| CNN. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| Somebody said it right, that 98% of the time he's 99% right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, that's really, I don't know, I might have paraphrased and made it much better. | ||
| I'm going to use that now. | ||
| But I think that's really what it is, at a certain point in time. | ||
| You know, you gotta listen to some of the shit that he says. | ||
| He's right about a lot of shit. | ||
| He's just so crazy. | ||
| It's hard to take him seriously. | ||
| You know, everybody's like, is Alex Jones a disinformation agent? | ||
| I hope not, because I think he's my friend. | ||
| If it turns out he's just a disinformation agent and he's been fucking with me the whole time, that's ridiculous. | ||
| You should've definitely been friends with me instead of the government, you dummy. | ||
| If that's the case... | ||
| I'm way more fun to hang out with than the government. | ||
| If you're going to make money off the government, he's an entertaining orator. | ||
| He's an entertaining speaker. | ||
| I enjoy listening to him talk. | ||
| He gets fucking crazy about shit. | ||
| And some of his videos are pretty goddamn jam up. | ||
| Some of his videos are pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Have you ever watched 9-1-1, The Road to Conspiracy? | ||
| Or The Road to... | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| I've watched them, but to me... | ||
| The Road to Conspiracy is what it should be called. | ||
| I've watched it to me, but you know, there comes to a point. | ||
| You can't believe anybody because you weren't there. | ||
| You can believe this side or that. | ||
| So to me, I just become, you know what, it voids each other. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, my concern wasn't even the 9-1-1 stuff. | ||
| It was the stuff on the World Trade Organization. | ||
| It was just stuff on these people that were paid to disrupt peaceful protests. | ||
| They would hire cops to go in and dress up as people with ski masks on and start smashing cars and shit. | ||
| And he documents it all and really fucking exposes the shit out of it. | ||
| And apparently it's a common tactic. | ||
| And that's why, you know, whenever there's a demonstration anywhere that's ever anything important, ever involving world leaders, there's always a violence in these demonstrations. | ||
| Even if the people that are into this idea are completely non-violent. | ||
| You know, even if it's Buddhists, you know, against, you know, fucking something that's happening in China. | ||
| And only Buddhists show up and protest, real Buddhists. | ||
| Still, someone will be smashing windows and some shit will happen while they have to bring in cops. | ||
| And the reason why is because they do that. | ||
| They do that to make a nonviolent protest, a violent one, so they can break it up. | ||
| I mean, that's real shit. | ||
| The government's been doing that forever. | ||
| That is so fucking corrupt. | ||
| So wrong on so many levels and yet you never even hear about it. | ||
| They throw people in jail left and right for not paying their taxes. | ||
| When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a provocateur? | ||
| When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a professional anarchist? | ||
| For being someone who gets hired to go up and cause chaos? | ||
| And create, you know, create drama so they can have an excuse. | ||
| That shit should be, that's like fucking treason. | ||
| That really is. | ||
| That's like, that's like slavery. | ||
| Like you're, you are faking shit and fucking shit up and people are gonna get locked in a cage because of you. | ||
| Because of what you did. | ||
| You've taken away their freedom. | ||
| Even temporarily, some of them are actually gonna go to jail for long periods of time. | ||
| Because you're gonna create trumped up charges of violence on them. | ||
| Because it's some shit that you guys caused. | ||
| That's tyranny. | ||
| That really is treason. | ||
| That's a person who should not be allowed to be an American. | ||
| You know, you are corrupting everything that's great about what America's supposed to stand for. | ||
| You fucking cunt. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meow. | |
| He's done. | ||
| Done, folks. | ||
| I'm going to answer a couple more questions because we can't end like that. | ||
| This fucking low blood sugar faggot. | ||
| I'm going to get him a plum. | ||
| I probably am low blood sugar. | ||
| I know you're low blood sugar. | ||
| You got an issue, son. | ||
| We need to get you some supplements. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I have nothing anymore. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| I don't even have pots and pans anymore. | ||
| I had a roommate move out. | ||
| Your roommate took everything? | ||
| Everything! | ||
| Was it all your stuff? | ||
| Well, most of the big stuff is mine, but when you realize, oh, no pots and pans. | ||
| Oh, no dish soap. | ||
| Oh, no toilet paper. | ||
| Oh, so you've got to start from scratch. | ||
| Yeah, and you don't even know what you're missing, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know, it's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Very crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's always a weird thing, man, when you live with somebody. | ||
| For three years, yeah. | ||
| And then you break up and then they move out and you're like, wow, now what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking now what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets strange, you know? | ||
| It gets really weird how you become so comfortable with living with somebody and you... | ||
| Well, not only that, you get so accustomed to having that person in your life. | ||
| We addict to each other. | ||
| That's why people get so terrified when people want to break up. | ||
| People get terrified. | ||
| They're like, I'm addicted to you and my life will be hell if you leave. | ||
| And that's really what it's like. | ||
| Sometimes people obsess on relationships for long periods of time, but God, so much more Often, when the relationship is over, you feel so much better once it levels out. | ||
| You're like, what the hell is I doing? | ||
| I want to fucking go canoeing and then maybe roller skating or something. | ||
| Well, you were involved in a situation where, I mean, I don't know how much you want to talk about it, but you were involved in a situation where you felt like the person you were with wasn't very happy. | ||
| Oh yeah, totally. | ||
| And you're a pretty easy going kind of silly guy. | ||
| It's also, there's a problem too in having a relationship with someone sometimes who's really struggling and you're not like, you know, you don't have to get up at a specific time every day. | ||
| Well, that seems like it's a problem with my whole life now because now most people have nine to five jobs and it's really hard to think that like, oh, this person doesn't Well, a 9 to 5 that you enjoy is not that bad. | ||
| Those people are usually fairly fun, or at least fairly happy. | ||
| But a 9 to 5 that you hate, that's hard sauce, man. | ||
| That's hard sauce to swallow. | ||
| It gets to a point where too much of a percentage of your day is Pushed into the negative zone and you start dragging that negativity. | ||
| It's not like you can just shut it off at the end of the day and all of a sudden be super positive. | ||
| You're kind of beaten down by a boring ass day and at the end of the week you get this paycheck and it's like $300 and you're like, what? | ||
| $300? | ||
| They take the taxes out and that's what you got left. | ||
| You gave us your whole week and we give you $300. | ||
| And you don't like it, you know? | ||
| And you're uncomfortable physically, you know? | ||
| It's like, there's so many issues that people have to go through. | ||
| It's fucking hard, man. | ||
| But I don't think there's any other solution, you know? | ||
| I mean, everyone can't really figure it out and find some job that they truly love. | ||
| There's going to be people that are in jobs that they don't like. | ||
| Because if they're not, there's... | ||
| I mean, we need to keep this fucking society rolling, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of shit that you don't want to do. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that I don't want to do. | ||
| It's going to have to get done if we want to have a society like this. | ||
| Unless we develop robots. | ||
| I mean, is that the future? | ||
| Where robots do all the jobs that suck? | ||
| And then the only people that are left are what? | ||
| The creators? | ||
| The people that create things? | ||
| What the fuck becomes of it? | ||
| Craftsmen, artists, creatives, doctors, engineers, scientists, people that create new computers and fix the stuff that we have, technicians, and then what else? | ||
| Then you don't need Burger King workers anymore. | ||
| That's going to get to a point where that's going to be the case. | ||
| You don't need anybody to do anything that sucks. | ||
| What's the deal with the law and the census survey that they're making you fill out? | ||
| They make you fill it out? | ||
| The census? | ||
| It says it's the law. | ||
| Is it like not doing your taxes kind of law? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Until they can count Mexicans, they can suck my dick. | ||
| You don't know how many people are here. | ||
| You're not going to tell me that through your little pieces of paper you got it all figured out. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| There's so many Mexicans here that have snuck across the border. | ||
| And until you can count them, why are we playing games? | ||
| Why are we pretending that you know? | ||
| So I can wipe my ass with the census shit. | ||
| I just think it's silly. | ||
| You're giving me permission. | ||
| I'm not telling you what to do. | ||
| You're a groat-ass man. | ||
| You're a groat-ass man. | ||
| You gotta do what you want to do. | ||
| I keep on looking at it. | ||
| I'm like, oh, why do I have to do this? | ||
| I don't feel like I need to do it. | ||
| And I also, I don't feel like I want to participate in anything extracurricular. | ||
| You know, I mean, you got to come up with a better way to count people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| I don't want to be a part of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same. | |
| And I don't think it's helping things. | ||
| I think until you start concentrating on why the fuck are we in Iraq and Afghanistan, until we address that, I'm not going to address how many people there are. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| Stop embarrassing yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop embarrassing yourself, you fucking government. | |
| You're ruining everything, you cocksuckers. | ||
| Alright, a couple more questions, then we'll just get the fuck out of here, ladies and gentlemen, because this has been almost two hours as of right now. | ||
| Um... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of weird questions here, you strange motherfuckers. | |
| Impossible to try to keep up with the feed on the Ustream. | ||
| You bitches are very prolific. | ||
| But I'll check out Twitter real quick. | ||
| How do we pick the questions, topics for Ustream? | ||
| We just start talking. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pick it a little bit better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We'll just start talking. | ||
| I mean, we've always got something interesting to talk about. | ||
| Zero really planning. | ||
| I pretty much just came over here and we need coffee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We smoked a little pot and then we started the party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He came over here. | ||
| I was eating lunch. | ||
| He got in the door. | ||
| I said, you want some coffee? | ||
| He said, yeah. | ||
| We brewed some coffee. | ||
| Fired up a bong or a pipe. | ||
| That's pretty much it. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That was our setup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if we had like a real producer, we could take this shit worldwide. | ||
| I'm going to do a weekly serious show. | ||
| They're just trying to figure out when's the best time for me to do it. | ||
| And it'll be like one day a week for six weeks. | ||
| I'm going to do it. | ||
| It'll be probably on Raw Dog. | ||
| And if it goes well and if they like it, I'll consider doing it every week and keep doing that. | ||
| I just want to do more shit like this. | ||
| My only thing I'm going to say to them is I just want to be able to put it out as a podcast as well. | ||
| And if that's possible, then I'll do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For very little money. | ||
| Well, this is a real podcast too. | ||
| I get all these emails from people telling me they listen on the subway. | ||
| Yeah, and if you're listening, this is from a webcam show. | ||
| This is just the raw audio. | ||
| Yeah, we've done no engineering, but you know what? | ||
| I don't think that's important. | ||
| I think what's important is the things I like most when I listen to Opie and Anthony or Bubba the Love Sponge or anything like that is when they're in the middle of a conversation and it's an interesting conversation and I enjoy The point of views and the arguments and the disagreements and the revelations that these guys have. | ||
| I like shows like that. | ||
| That's what I want to hear. | ||
| I don't really care if it's produced well. | ||
| That's all nonsense to me. | ||
| I just want to listen to people be honest and I want to see if I think the way they think or if I can learn something from the way they think. | ||
| I'm going to try to do that. | ||
| So we're going to do that and I'm right about to do a deal to, it's not been totally finalized, but almost, real close, where I'm going to write a book. | ||
| So I'm in the middle of doing that too. | ||
| Get that shit cranking. | ||
| I've been writing for a while, but now it's like the deal's actually finalized and it's taken a form. | ||
| It's going to be difficult and I'm going to try to update my website with more little quick videos and shit because it'll be harder to just keep writing things over and over and over again. | ||
| So the next show I've got is this weekend. | ||
| I'm doing the Kevin and Beans April Foolishness at the Universal Amphitheater or some shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I did it last year. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Those guys are great. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| There's a lot of funny comics on, but I believe the shit's sold out, son. | ||
| And I'm headlining it. | ||
| Which is always interesting. | ||
| People get tired. | ||
| And also there's a lot of topics that already get covered. | ||
| I'll have to bring up very strange topics. | ||
| So, that's it for this week's podcast. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| All the people came to see me in New York last week. | ||
| I had a fucking hell of a time. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I was so happy. | ||
| I hadn't been back to New York in two years. | ||
| I switched it up, went to Gotham this time. | ||
| I usually do Carolines, but I did Gotham, and Gotham was fucking awesome. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I had a great time there. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It got a big-ass stage. | ||
| The crowd was great. | ||
| The staff was great. | ||
| And then I did Amos' South End in South Carolina. | ||
| North Carolina, rather, and had a great fucking time there in Charlotte. | ||
| That was awesome, too. | ||
| So thank you, everybody, that came out to the New York shows, and thank you to everybody that came out to the Charlotte show. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| We're going to do another one of these, probably more like Tuesday, because I've got to go to Abu Dhabi next week. | ||
| I've got to fly on a plane and a metal tube all the way across the world to a strange land. | ||
| And for sure I'll have some interesting things to say when I get back from that. | ||
| Big fights, big UFC fights over there. | ||
| And so we'll see you guys Tuesday. | ||
| Thank you very much for everything. | ||
| Thanks for continuing to tune in. | ||
| And I love you bitches. | ||
| Thanks. |
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