Feb. 24, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:17:17
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Start record. | |
| Start broadcast. | ||
| Shazam, bitches! | ||
| I think it's on. | ||
|
unidentified
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Are we live? | |
| Yeah, it's live. | ||
| Hi, fuckers. | ||
| We're getting a little better. | ||
| 3.07 now. | ||
| That's a little bit better, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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There we go. | |
| Zoom, zoom, zoom. | ||
| What's happening, fuckers? | ||
| Everybody can hear us. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| Let's leave it sideways like that. | ||
| We are live! | ||
| Leave it with a gangsta lean. | ||
| Hello, everybody. | ||
| Welcome to the, I don't know, what is it? | ||
| The fucking ninth weekly one or something? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| We have continued. | ||
| Motherfucking saga continues. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you drink coffee, okay? | ||
| Like a fucking man. | ||
| See that shit right there? | ||
| That's what's called a French press. | ||
| You can get it at Starbucks. | ||
| Starbucks? | ||
| Starbucks? | ||
| For like 20 bucks or something. | ||
| Or, you know, at Target for like 20 bucks. | ||
| That's what I was in the middle of saying. | ||
| Target and Starbucks at the same time. | ||
| You just grind up your coffee, you pour it in this motherfucker, you pour the hot water, you push down the plunger, but bam, you got coffee. | ||
| Yeah, it's gritty, and it's got like little pieces of stuff in it, but so what, you fucking pussy. | ||
| Man up. | ||
| Man up and drink your coffee. | ||
| So how is Australia? | ||
| Australia is the shit. | ||
| If you've never been to Australia, it's fucking spectacular. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| The people are cool as fuck. | ||
| It's really bizarre, man. | ||
| It's way the fuck on the other side of the world. | ||
| Like, literally on the other side of the world to where it's a 19-hour time difference. | ||
| Between Los Angeles and Australia. | ||
| What's the weed laws like out there? | ||
| Is there any? | ||
| The weed is not very legal there. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But it's everywhere. | ||
| Everybody's got weed. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so... | ||
| Because I got a text from Mayhem right before we left. | ||
| Because Mayhem got there before us. | ||
| And he said, Yo, this is the exact test. | ||
| The exact text. | ||
| Yo, customs here is a motherfucker. | ||
| Don't bring any weed to Kangaroo Island. | ||
| No. | ||
| Which, if you know mayhem, that's a mayhem quote right there. | ||
| So, ladies and gentlemen, a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca. | ||
| Did you hear about that shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| You didn't hear about that? | ||
| A killer whale killed a trainer at SeaWorld. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And what's amazing to me is how they haven't been killing people up to this point. | ||
| Could you imagine if whales... | ||
| Killer whales are supposed to be super intelligent. | ||
| I mean, they're like as intelligent as humans. | ||
| They're cousins of dolphins. | ||
| And we put them in a fucking fish tank and make them do tricks for mackerels, you know? | ||
| Can you imagine what kind of hell that life is? | ||
| And this whale had killed a homeless man that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991. And he had also, or it might be a she, I'm not sure. | ||
| He or she had also, I think it's a he, had also almost drowned a trainer. | ||
| Remember that video where the killer whale was playing with the person, dunking him under? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Same whale? | ||
| Same whale. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Same whale. | ||
| Yeah, so, I mean, it's not like the warning fucking signs weren't there. | ||
| It's like, you know, you hear Mike Tyson punch somebody. | ||
| Are you going to be shocked? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Like, how did he die? | ||
|
unidentified
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Did he... | |
| Oh, it's a woman that died. | ||
| He grabbed her by the waist and just fucking ripped her up. | ||
| In the middle of a live show? | ||
| Yep, the beginning of a live show. | ||
| What's the YouTube videos? | ||
| Is it out? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I bet they confiscated everybody's cameras and shit as they were leaving. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, the SD cards are so small, you'd think you'd learn to shove it up your ass or something like that. | ||
| This guy, if he was there for sure, there would be a video of it. | ||
| One fucking thousand percent. | ||
| Yeah, as soon as I heard, we need everybody's cameras, SD card up ass. | ||
| Save two. | ||
| You would have uploaded to YouTube already. | ||
| Yeah, that would have already been Bluetooth to Ustream. | ||
| Yeah, there's no fucking way. | ||
| I mean, could you imagine what that must have looked like? | ||
| You're there, and all of a sudden the killer, he grabbed her about the waist and just started smashing her back and forth, just ragdolling her. | ||
| He just had enough. | ||
| He just said, that's it. | ||
| That's it, motherfuckers. | ||
| It's really incredible that we think it's cool to do that. | ||
| And then we go and watch them. | ||
| It's really like, zoos bum me the fuck out. | ||
| we went to a zoo in Australia while we were there and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage because I don't think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is I I think crocodiles are so dumb. | ||
| I mean, their minds seem so dead. | ||
| They just lay there with their eyes closed underwater for like hours at a time, but they don't have to breathe. | ||
| They don't have to breathe for like an hour. | ||
| So they just lay underwater and just do nothing. | ||
| And just sit there. | ||
| They don't run around and play. | ||
| When you pass the monkey cage at a zoo, that shit's depressing. | ||
| Because they don't want to be there. | ||
| When I was in Denver, there's a zoo in Denver, and the monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling. | ||
| This horrible howl. | ||
| And it wasn't a big cage. | ||
| This monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul. | ||
| It was like a man in prison. | ||
| You know, let me out of here! | ||
| The monkey was just, what? | ||
| Just screaming at the top of his lungs. | ||
| And I was like, you know, this is not good. | ||
| Like, this is not cool to do to them. | ||
| For what? | ||
| So people can stare at him? | ||
| I mean, that shit might have flown in the 1930s, you know, back when there was no zoos. | ||
| Or back when there was no videos. | ||
| But we have videos now, man. | ||
| You don't have to put them in a zoo. | ||
| But that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals. | ||
| That's the only thing that makes me go, well, I see that reason for a zoo because I'm not going to Africa and hunting down a white tiger. | ||
| Right, but is it worth it for them to struggle just so you could stare at them? | ||
| Yeah, but you don't know. | ||
| It could also be like, dude, wait, I don't have to hunt my food. | ||
| There's just a steak here every morning when I wake up. | ||
| I could sleep. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| For tigers, that shit is orgasmic. | ||
| To chase down an animal, chase it, move it. | ||
| You ever see a cat, like if you roll a ball or a string in front of them, they can't help themselves, man. | ||
| You should know that. | ||
| You have cats. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Cats can't help it. | ||
| They live for chasing shit. | ||
| It's just like, you know, a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You know, it's really the same thing, man. | ||
| Nature rewards them for being a good predator. | ||
| And I think... | ||
| The same way food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us, they love to kill, man. | ||
| Nature rewards them with some crazy rush of energy and endorphins when they kill something. | ||
| So you give them a cold plate of meat, just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage, that's not the same, man. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| But that doesn't... | ||
| The killing thing bothers me, but what really bothers me is the fucking amount of room that they have to move around. | ||
| The kangaroo cage was bad, man. | ||
| The kangaroo cage was fucked up. | ||
| Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo, though? | ||
| That's a whole... | ||
| I mean, I was there, I was like, man, I would like to be an animal in this cage. | ||
| Oh no, we went down. | ||
| There's a serious fucking delay between what we're seeing and what we're seeing. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
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We got it. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, San Diego is the shit. | ||
| The way they have it is nice. | ||
| They have a big, giant-ass place. | ||
| That makes sense, but that's fucking expensive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But that's how it should be. | ||
| Places like the LA Zoo just shouldn't exist. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because that's just wrong. | ||
| You go to the LA Zoo, that's just depressing as fuck. | ||
| But there is zoos, like the Columbus Zoo, where I'm from, is one of the biggest zoos. | ||
| Jack Hanna's from it. | ||
| And it's nice. | ||
| They may have just acres and acres and acres of land. | ||
| And they... | ||
| I don't know if they maybe throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers or something. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, they don't do that. | |
| And they just don't talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
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You don't think? | |
| No, they don't do that. | ||
| They don't ever do that. | ||
| They do that in Iraq. | ||
| There's a video in Iraq of... | ||
| They let a donkey loose. | ||
| And this is how they do it every day. | ||
| And the donkey's just walking around eating. | ||
| And they open up the gate and these tigers come running out of the gate and just bitch slap that donkey to the ground and fucking jack them. | ||
| It's really kind of wild to see. | ||
| And it's really shocking. | ||
| These G.I.s filmed it when they were in Iraq at the zoo. | ||
| It's shocking to see, but that's really the way they're supposed to eat. | ||
| That's how you should do it. | ||
| If you're gonna feed animals, you're gonna have wild animals, you should have them eat what they normally eat, man. | ||
| I mean, like, what's with this feeding fucking snakes frozen mice? | ||
| Give them a fucking mouse, you know? | ||
| I mean, that's what they're supposed to do. | ||
| We're trying to, like, enforce our own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters, you know? | ||
| I mean, like, look, a snake is a monster, dude, you know? | ||
| Tigers, that's a monster. | ||
| Those are all monsters. | ||
| They're natural monsters. | ||
| There's a whole natural cycle of things. | ||
| And to take them out of that, there was a kangaroo cage. | ||
| That was the most depressing thing. | ||
| Because those kangaroos are just sitting there. | ||
| They didn't do shit. | ||
| They just laid down. | ||
| Human beings, though, could be considered monsters. | ||
| So, like, if you put somebody in prison that's a mass murderer, we're doing the same thing, you know? | ||
| We should let that mass murderer go out on his way and just murder a shitload of people, you know? | ||
| What kind of dumbass logic is that? | ||
| If you're saying a tiger is a tiger or whatever, a snake should kill its own prey and we should do it what... | ||
| No, we're feeding them killed prey. | ||
| We kill it first. | ||
| That's what's the most ridiculous thing. | ||
| We kill what they eat first so that it's not as brutal for us. | ||
| Somehow or another. | ||
| Someone else kills it, you buy it killed, then you feed it to them. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's not a mass murderer, dude. | ||
| Mass murderers are just fucked in the head. | ||
| They're not killing for food as part of a natural cycle. | ||
| They're just nuts. | ||
| When you get a nutty person, the problem is human consciousness is so more complex, supposedly, than animal consciousness because we have the ability to alter our environment. | ||
| So you can't have... | ||
| Someone whose consciousness is haywire. | ||
| When you have serial killers, mass murderers, what you have is someone whose consciousness has just gone off the tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos. | ||
| And if a society is aware of itself, it has to realize that there's certain issues that are going to come up when you have crazy people running around killing your family and your friends. | ||
| So you've got to kill them. | ||
| What you're supposed to do with someone like a mass murder, if you're absolutely convinced, That's the problem, really. | ||
| The problem is the court system. | ||
| The court system is so fucking corrupt, and so many times DAs and prosecutors are just trying to get a guilty verdict, and they don't give a fuck if someone is guilty or not. | ||
| There's many, many, many instances where cops have framed guys that were innocent. | ||
| People have gone to jail for years. | ||
| It turns out through DNA evidence, they were framed. | ||
| I mean, that's happened many, many, many... | ||
| That's the real fucking problem. | ||
| But if we could be absolutely sure that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer or a rapist or Anyone with no remorse who hurt other people and could hurt someone that you care, you gotta kill them. | ||
| Why keep them around? | ||
| There's too many fucking people. | ||
| I mean, look, it's not like they're not gonna die eventually anyway. | ||
| It's not like if you don't kill them, they're gonna fucking cure cancer and live forever. | ||
| No, they're not gonna do anything. | ||
| A mass murderer is not gonna contribute to society. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| Nothing good is gonna come out of that. | ||
| They should just line them up and like, oh, you need a new liver. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| You're on death row. | ||
| There should be no time period and they're going to electrocute you. | ||
| They should just shoot you, take all the parts that they can use. | ||
| They can use your corneas or your livers and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, but that's an interesting topic because there was a thread on the message board on my website where people were talking about organs having a memory. | ||
| And all these people who... | ||
| all of a sudden they knew things they couldn't have possibly known. | ||
| They had dreams of people they don't even know. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You know, stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I mean, I've heard of many things like that where people all of a sudden had cravings for certain types of foods and they had no idea that the person... | ||
| I mean, this is not just one instance. | ||
| And see, the thing is about memory... | ||
| We don't know where memory is stored exactly. | ||
| They know an incredible amount more than the average person about the way the human body works. | ||
| Much more than people knew a hundred years ago. | ||
| Much more than even a decade ago. | ||
| But they don't know everything. | ||
| There's a lot of questions, man. | ||
| First of all, with the human body, your cells regenerate every seven to ten years. | ||
| I think it's seven years. | ||
| So, literally every cell in your body We don't fucking | ||
| know. | ||
| The other idea is that the memories are stored in the neurons. | ||
| Well, if that's the case, because the neurons are the only thing that stay. | ||
| The neurons you get or the neurons you get forever. | ||
| You don't get new ones. | ||
| They don't regenerate every seven years. | ||
| But the heart is filled with neurons. | ||
| It's like one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body. | ||
| It's right up there with the brain. | ||
| And I think people who have had heart transplants, I don't think it's that preposterous that they would have memories. | ||
| I don't think it's that preposterous at all. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I think that these people that say that they're having dream stuff, they probably would have had that same exact dream with or without it. | ||
| Why would you say that, Brian? | ||
| They're talking about things they couldn't possibly have known about. | ||
| Have you ever had dreams of strangers? | ||
| This little girl gave up the exact identity and location of the man who murdered the girl who gave her the heart. | ||
| Do you know that story? | ||
| No, but it sounds very far-fetched. | ||
| It sounds far-fetched, but it doesn't mean it's not true. | ||
| There's some things that I read like that, that it's kind of like, to me, it's seeing UFOs. | ||
| It's either somebody that wants attention, that's just dumb, and they're going, no, I had my arm transplant, and now I'm... | ||
| Having all these dreams of people, I don't know. | ||
| Okay, that's possible, but it's also possible that it's real. | ||
| And that's the problem with skepticism. | ||
| With skepticism, when it comes to something that we don't understand, that's the problem. | ||
| You run the possibility of excluding something because it seems irrational. | ||
| But the reality is, we don't have enough information to decide what's rational and what's irrational. | ||
| Just the idea that you have memories at all is fucking nuts. | ||
| How about the idea that you can change people's memories? | ||
| They say that especially right after something shocking, if you start talking to someone and introducing new ideas to them, they'll re-remember the whole situation. | ||
| They'll change the whole way they remember things. | ||
| Have you ever thought of something in some way and then you go back and you watch the video and you're like, God damn, it wasn't like that at all. | ||
| I don't trust my memory that much. | ||
| I trust some things. | ||
| There's some things that I know that are recorded in there forever for real and no doubt about it. | ||
| There's some things because I've made sure that I've kept that memory like I've had some Pretty intense experiences where I made sure, like, I am going to make sure that I record this one. | ||
| But other ones are a fucking blur, man, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of them that are blurry. | ||
| You know, you look back on your high school years, like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's like slideshows, and I barely remember any of it. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| It's getting worse and worse. | ||
| I'm actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories, but then the other day I was trying to think of somebody that I actually hung out with for three years when I was a kid. | ||
| And don't remember his face at all. | ||
| My sisters are like, you don't remember him? | ||
| We hung out all the time. | ||
| I remember him, but I don't have any idea what he looks like. | ||
| Yeah, I've had that happen to me before, for sure. | ||
| That's fucking weird. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I wonder where all that shit goes. | ||
| Up in smoke. | ||
| Why is it that someone can pull it back, though? | ||
| Like someone will say something and they'll go, YES! And then all of a sudden, boom, the memory blossoms in your mind. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is it like you're giving CPR to the memories? | ||
| It's like they're almost dead? | ||
| Yeah, it's like a branch of the tree was hit. | ||
| A nerve of that memory was hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, something along those lines. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
|
unidentified
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What happened? | |
| Oh, dude, you got a spider on your face. | ||
|
unidentified
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Look. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's a daddy long leg. | ||
| How the fuck did that get on me? | ||
|
unidentified
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Your house is a beer factory. | |
| Oh, I'm not on OB and Anthony this week. | ||
| It's not this week. | ||
| They made a mistake. | ||
| I'm there March 26th, not February 26th. | ||
| It's the Friday before the UFC next month. | ||
| I'm in Dallas this weekend. | ||
| I'm not in New York this weekend. | ||
| So, I'm going to be at the Addison Improv this weekend. | ||
| Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man Joey Diaz. | ||
| Brian will be there as well. | ||
| If we get Brian drunk, we might have to talk him into going on stage. | ||
| Brian is actually a funny comedian. | ||
| He's done stand-up a couple of times. | ||
| He did it in Atlanta. | ||
| He did it... | ||
| Where else did you do it? | ||
| He did it a couple of places. | ||
| You know, I was going to try to go up on stage before this weekend just in case if I get too drunk and put me on stage. | ||
| But it really hurts me to go back and spend three hours of my life for five minutes in front of two people. | ||
| The open mic nights, it is a grind. | ||
| People ask me questions all the time. | ||
| Like, hey, I'm thinking about doing comedy. | ||
| What's the best advice? | ||
| I'm like, man, you've got to be willing to put your whole life aside. | ||
| You've got to be willing to... | ||
| You've got to be willing to, especially if you have a job during the day, you have a job during the day, man. | ||
| Your nighttime, you now, that's your social life. | ||
| It's going to be stand-up comedy. | ||
| You're going to be going to clubs and you're going to be performing and you have to do it all the time. | ||
| If you don't do it all the time, you're going to forget all your material. | ||
| Whatever comfort you gain on stage will be eroded very quickly. | ||
| You know, it's a goddamn long-ass grind, man. | ||
| Yeah, I think if I was younger, I would totally be into it, but it's really hard to be an adult and waste that much time. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is hard. | ||
| You know, I did it, I started out doing stand-up when I was 21. That's when I did it, right after my 21st birthday. | ||
| And I had shit going on back then, man. | ||
| I mean, I was doing things. | ||
| I had a life, sort of. | ||
| But it wasn't like I had a family or a mortgage or no obligations. | ||
| Yeah, I had no internet back then. | ||
| I had no obligations. | ||
| So it wasn't... | ||
| It's hard when you have a girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife and you have children and you have a mortgage. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You know, when I talk to dudes that are like 40 and they're thinking about doing comedy, I'm like, you know, okay. | ||
| That's like saying I'm thinking about getting into brain surgery, man. | ||
| What do you think about brain surgery? | ||
| Not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Because first of all, it's not as... | ||
| It's not as difficult to remember all the things you need to remember with brain surgery, but it is just as difficult in a way because there's no real path. | ||
| I mean, you can suck as a comedian. | ||
| You can't suck as a brain surgeon. | ||
| You're fucking going to jail. | ||
| So it's obviously a lot more discipline involved in brain surgery because you have to do it correctly, but... | ||
| Both are equally difficult to actually fucking do and put. | ||
| Anything in this life is difficult if you're going to really do it. | ||
| I mean, just think about if you started tomorrow and you wanted to be a computer programmer. | ||
| You don't know shit about computers. | ||
| You're starting from scratch, and you want to be a computer programmer. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck! | |
| Imagine the fucking work that's involved in that. | ||
| A lot of reading, though. | ||
| It's a lot of reading. | ||
| Nowadays, I could pretty much teach myself some programming by just looking at videos online. | ||
| You know how to type. | ||
| You know about computers. | ||
| You know a lot of shit about computers. | ||
| You know a lot of shit about code. | ||
| To a person that has no experience whatsoever and decides I want to take on a new career. | ||
| I want to be a computer programmer. | ||
| I want to code for video games. | ||
| Good fucking luck, man. | ||
| How about I want to create video game engines? | ||
| I don't know where. | ||
| I want to be the next John Carmack. | ||
| You're fucked, man. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| That shit will take forever. | ||
| Anything that's worth doing takes fucking forever to get good at. | ||
| And comedy is no different. | ||
| Music is no different. | ||
| I often look at people playing piano or playing guitar or something like that and I go, how cool would that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar? | ||
|
unidentified
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I would guess. | |
| But god damn, that's a lot of fucking time. | ||
| I've tried to learn that though. | ||
| It's a coordination thing for me though. | ||
| That's something I think you're just born with being able to understand, being able to coordinate each finger a certain way. | ||
| Well, it's also cultivation. | ||
| It's also if you do things like with your fingers like that early on in life, you know, it becomes much easier as you get older. | ||
| They say that the army now is using, they're using Xbox controllers for their drones because these fucking kids are so good. | ||
| So used to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're encouraging people to play video games. | ||
| I mean, it's just a matter of time before they start recording. | ||
| Recruiting the baddest motherfuckers in video games. | ||
| Yeah, they probably already do. | ||
| If you could play war games with a keyboard and a mouse, there's these dudes that play Quake professionally. | ||
| Those motherfuckers can move that mouse cursor and put it on an object instantaneously. | ||
| You know, they know exactly where that cursor is going. | ||
| They play so much that when they move that mouse, the mouse and a keyboard is way more accurate than that joystick thing. | ||
| The joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate the toggles and exactly where the crosshair goes. | ||
| But if you have a mouse, you can put a mouse. | ||
| If you understand how quick... | ||
| You know, it all depends on, you know, everybody likes the difference. | ||
| Some people like high sensitivity, some people like low sensitivity. | ||
| But the bottom line is, once you get used to whatever it is, you move the mouse, the cursor goes in certain directions, they can put it, like, exactly where they want to instantly. | ||
| So it's not like when you're in a helicopter and you see the insurgents, you gotta, like, Move the crosshairs and get them in line. | ||
| We have them in line. | ||
| We have them in line. | ||
| No, it's bang! | ||
| I mean, they could do it so fucking quick. | ||
| I mean, that would be some crazy shit if you could have drones and have that guy Fatality. | ||
| You know who Fatality is? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's like the baddest motherfucking Quake player ever. | ||
| This dude is just ridiculously accurate with his mind. | ||
| And a cool guy, too. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| But if you've got that guy playing for your army and you had drones with missiles in it from that fucking guy, holy shit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the future, man. | ||
| Welcome to the new world. | ||
| It's pretty crazy how video games have exploded from something that used to be like little ping pongs. | ||
| Now people have amazing video games on their phones. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible, man. | ||
| Just look at what you can do with your iPhone. | ||
| Playing all these different racing games and shit. | ||
| We're working on the new UFC fight game. | ||
| Fuck, it's amazing, man. | ||
| When you watch some of the graphics and shit, they dive for knee bars, they get triangles, they throw head kicks and punches, flying knees and shit. | ||
| You see all this crazy shit, all these different techniques they can do, just like in real fighting. | ||
| It's so close to being like a video, like an actual UFC fight that you can manipulate. | ||
| The limit is in the controller, I think. | ||
| What eventually is going to happen is you're going to have a goddamn suit on. | ||
| You're going to have a fucking suit on. | ||
| Or you're just going to have this little wire plugged in on your forehead and you're just going to think. | ||
| That could happen, but Microsoft is very close to developing that whole system where you interact with the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's it called? | |
| Natal. | ||
| It comes out, like, I think November, or it might have got pushed back. | ||
| Spell it? | ||
| N-A-T-A-L. Natal. | ||
| And it's pretty much just like a camera or something that sits on top of your TV and then... | ||
| It reads your motions. | ||
| It reads your motions. | ||
| Yeah, that's incredible because that's going to be fucking cool. | ||
| Imagine having like a UFC game where you could learn how to fight without actually fighting. | ||
| My problem with that whole thing is, I think maybe if I was a kid I would have loved it. | ||
| But when I'm playing a video game, I don't want to have to be doing this shit. | ||
| Well you say that. | ||
| No, because I'm doing it with Wii right now. | ||
| Nintendo Wii. | ||
| Yeah, but Wii is whack. | ||
| It's this little thing and you're playing ping pong and it sort of moves the way you want it to. | ||
| I did a Wii card game once, and I was like, this is not specific at all. | ||
| It's not rewarding. | ||
| Yeah, but it's something about having to, like, get up. | ||
| Like, I want to just... | ||
| Oh, you're a lazy fuck. | ||
| That's what you're trying to say. | ||
| Well, yeah, if I was a kid, it might have been better. | ||
| But, like, nowadays, I want to play a video game, and I just want to sit there and smoke weed. | ||
| But that's dependent on the graphics. | ||
| What if the graphics were, like, 3D... Fucking super dope virtual reality type shit and you had a virtual gun and you're running down a hallway shooting at all kinds of shit. | ||
| Like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That would be the shit. | ||
| And the actual running that you take place, like maybe that would be the shit if you had a fucking warehouse. | ||
| Like a virtual reality warehouse. | ||
| Like you enter into the door, you put on this helmet, and it's just a flat-ass warehouse. | ||
| Like laser tag. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But complete 3D virtual reality, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you get close to the walls, like a little light goes on, you are getting close to the wall. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| Please turn right, you know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I've just gotten to a point where this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy. | ||
| The Wii is boring, man. | ||
| The Wii is like playing pool, but there's no pool cue. | ||
| You're just going like... | ||
| And there's no feedback. | ||
| You need feedback, man. | ||
| Like, I want to click a button and see a gun go off. | ||
| You know, I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket, you know, take off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This whole moving an arm through the air, that's fucking weak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| There's a... | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| They just said the other day that in the future that they're going to use, like, Google Maps and, like, Street View of Google Maps and you're going to be playing video games of, like, your street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nuts. | |
| You're going around in your house and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nuts. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You should be able to find out if someone is playing like fucking Doom on your street and blowing up your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You should be like, yeah. | ||
| Hey, just want you to know. | ||
| They should like send you an email. | ||
| It should be like The Sims where it's like your house is the house in the video game. | ||
| And so like if you try to break into your house, they're trying to break into your house. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Like everyone should have their own house in the video game. | ||
| Yeah, that would be kind of cool. | ||
| That would be cool, right? | ||
| But then you would know where everybody lives. | ||
| Unless you killed them. | ||
| You killed them in a video game, then they don't have access to you? | ||
| Well, for like 24 hours or something like that, and you could run away. | ||
| I'm kind of shocked that virtual reality kind of hit like a... | ||
| The technology never really developed the way I thought it was going to. | ||
| Like, you know, you heard about that shit like way back in the 80s, and I thought, wow. | ||
| Like, there was movies based on that. | ||
| And I was like, I thought, like, wow. | ||
| Remember like, well, sort of... | ||
| I don't remember what movie. | ||
| Remember Total Recall where they fucking make you dream, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit's coming. | ||
| It's a Total Recall. | ||
| What was the one with the chick with the red hair in... | ||
| They've already been able to take images and implant them in people's minds. | ||
| And they've been able to read images from people's minds. | ||
| Like read what you're thinking about. | ||
| Like you can look at something and the computer, like there's some sort of sensors that they hook up to your brain and then it sends the image to a computer and it can tell what you're fucking looking at. | ||
| Like, that's nuts, man. | ||
| Because eventually, I mean, this is in very rudimentary stages of technology where they can only pick out shapes and shit. | ||
| But eventually, they're going to be able to fucking see what you're seeing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nuts. | |
| Fifth element. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, the chick with the red hair. | ||
| Is that the Bruce Willis movie? | ||
| Yeah, and it had memories. | ||
| That movie was dope. | ||
| They plugged memories in your head. | ||
| How badass was Chris Tucker in that movie? | ||
| Remember he was that crazy alien? | ||
| Remember Lawnmower Man? | ||
| That was a good movie too. | ||
| It was another nutty movie about a retard that went crazy, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Put a computer in his brain or something. | ||
| Another Stephen King book. | ||
| Stephen King. | ||
| Oh no, it was Strange Days. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Strange Days was another virtual reality something crazy ass. | ||
| I think it was Strange Days. | ||
| That was an awesome movie. | ||
| Strange Days. | ||
| This guy right here just said it. | ||
| I can't wait for Strange Days to become true. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It was Strange Days. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the one. | ||
| Angela Bassett, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She will forever be Tina Turner. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You're not allowed to do any other movies. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You're Tina Turner. | ||
| Um... | ||
| What was I going to say? | ||
| Oh, this fucking Miss Beverly Hills. | ||
| Did you hear about this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Another one of these beauty pageant chicks came out saying that she doesn't believe that gays should be married. | ||
| And she quoted Leviticus in the Old Testament saying that the Bible says that... | ||
| It's some stupid quote. | ||
| Like, any man who lays down with a man as if the same way he lays down with a woman is an abomination and should be put to death. | ||
| So she came out and said that gays should be put to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's supporting the Old Testament. | ||
| Which, by the way, whatever you fucking want to believe about religion, that's all well and good. | ||
| Who knows if God is real? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It could be that the Bible was completely ridiculous because God wants things confusing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows?! | |
| But it gets to a certain point where you read certain things and you gotta go, alright, people are full of shit. | ||
| And there was no internet back then. | ||
| It's not like, you know, there was a copy of the Bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it. | ||
| But everybody was like, no, that's not what it says. | ||
| And they went back and changed it. | ||
| You know, they didn't, the Old Testament, they didn't even write that fucking thing down for like a thousand years. | ||
| It was just stories. | ||
| You know, and the idea that those stories, you can't tell, I can't tell a story to him And he tells it to his girlfriend and his girlfriend writes it in her blog and it's the same story. | ||
| It'll be fucked up for sure. | ||
| I can't tell you how many times someone has gone to one of my gigs and I've said something and then a guy will quote on Twitter Like, oh, dude, that was so funny last night when you said this about that. | ||
| I'm like, damn, I didn't say that. | ||
| You're saying something fucked up. | ||
| What I said was a lot nicer. | ||
| But when you realize that memories are so fucking... | ||
| There's no way you could be that accurate over a thousand years with people talking about it. | ||
| And then on top of it, the original Old Testament Bible was written in ancient Hebrew. | ||
| And to this day, they only know three out of four words in ancient Hebrew. | ||
| Twenty-five percent of the words, they don't have a clue as to what they mean. | ||
| Not only that, letters and numbers were the same thing back then. | ||
| There were no numbers. | ||
| So the letter A was also the number one. | ||
| So there was like numerical value in words. | ||
| Like the word love and the word God, they have the same numerical value in ancient Hebrew. | ||
| But as soon as they translated that to Latin and to Greek, that shit was all gone. | ||
| That shit was all lost. | ||
| So, for this dumb bitch to sit and think that God wants people to put to death that they're gay, Miss Beverly Hills. | ||
| This is a new one. | ||
| New Miss California. | ||
| And California's supposed to be so liberal. | ||
| It ain't Miss Texas. | ||
| Do you know who Carrie Ann Panshee is? | ||
| Or whatever her name is. | ||
| She's from Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| Panish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Panish. | |
| She was the one that had the threesome with the guy from Grey's Anatomy. | ||
| Anyways, on this show, Celebrity Rehab, you just want to strangle her. | ||
| I think it's almost with these pageant people, because I know a couple of these girls that do the pageants and stuff like that. | ||
| They're fucked up in their head. | ||
| They've been doing it all their life. | ||
| These little kids are grown up. | ||
| Do you remember last time, not last time I went to Dallas, but the time before when there was that little girl... | ||
| Right. | ||
| At the hotel we were staying in. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You remember that shit? | ||
| Yeah, that was scary as fuck. | ||
| That was the weirdest fucking thing ever. | ||
| We're hanging out at the hotel and there's all these little girls, I mean little, like six, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Six years old with high heels and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry and dresses. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| That shit is an abomination. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| That is a fucking... | ||
| That is a travesty. | ||
| I feel like I was doing something wrong in the elevator. | ||
| Because I was in the elevator with two of them. | ||
| And I looked at her and I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| You don't want to look at her. | ||
| It's like if they were naked fingering themselves in front of you. | ||
| Something's not right there. | ||
| Sometimes my daughter will play with her pussy. | ||
| I don't want to say this. | ||
| It's just true. | ||
| I mean, you would too if you had one. | ||
| But the other day, she was lying there and she had her little feet up in the air. | ||
| She's rocking back and forth and she has just two hands. | ||
| She just grabs it, you know? | ||
| And I don't know what to say. | ||
| Like, what do you say to that? | ||
| You go, don't do that. | ||
| You can't tell her not to do that. | ||
| You know, you don't want to suppress her and get her crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but you also don't want her to be like in kindergarten going, Hey, everybody! | ||
| They all do it anyway, dude. | ||
| I got news for you. | ||
| They all do it. | ||
| Don't you remember doing weird shit with kids when you were little? | ||
| Dude, I played doctor. | ||
| Me and my friend played doctor with all the girls in our neighborhood. | ||
| And I remember the only time I remember the most, we had three girls lined up. | ||
| And we were like, okay, we're going to be putting pencils in your vaginas to take off your pants. | ||
| And so we took off other pants and we just went back to each one. | ||
| Then we'd pull it out and smell it. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| But we were all like five. | ||
| You could give those girls lead poise now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They might be retarded now because of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're all on my Facebook too, so hopefully they're not watching going, I'm fine. | |
| You should ask them all questions. | ||
| Does anybody remember anything about pencils? | ||
| Do you remember me putting a pencil in your car? | ||
| But this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel, it was dark. | ||
| I mean, it was really dark. | ||
| Because there was all these weirdo fucking religious people with their kids dressed like whores. | ||
| It made no fucking sense. | ||
| I mean, no sense. | ||
| Because we were there on a Sunday, and they were talking about church. | ||
| There was all this church talk. | ||
| You got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute. | ||
| There's a six year old dressed as a prostitute and you're talking about church. | ||
| They had high heels shoes on. | ||
| I mean like this high. | ||
| Which the only reason why shoes have heels like that is so that women's legs look longer so that guys think about them when they're pushing these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you. | ||
| That's what that's for. | ||
| That long leg thing, what do you think that's there for? | ||
| You're sacrificing how you can walk. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Just so that men want to fuck you more than we already do, which is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| You have sex with a girl that has her shoes on, like high heels? | ||
| Have you ever gotten that? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is up with that, though? | ||
| That's just porno stuff. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure somewhere in my life, you know, someone's not, you know, taking everything off. | ||
| It's possible that someone would like that. | ||
| But the whole... | ||
| I don't like them in the first place. | ||
| I hate them. | ||
| I think they're ugly. | ||
| It seems to me like you're doing something stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, I don't want to be... | ||
| Like, you're getting tricked. | ||
| And you don't need to do it for me. | ||
| Like, you know, my wife always wants to wear... | ||
| These high heels when she leaves the house. | ||
| Okay, if you want to do that, that's all good. | ||
| But to me, it seems like you can't walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'd rather you wear tennis shoes. | ||
| But women love them, man. | ||
| They love shoes. | ||
| They love how they look. | ||
| It's like how dudes love cars. | ||
| You know how you see a 69 Mustang or something like that, and you go, whoa! | ||
| And you pull up to a dude, look at that motherfucker. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's something that men have. | ||
| Women can go, wow, that's a pretty car, but it's not the same as how a dude looks at a car. | ||
| Well, for girls, the shoe thing is just, they really fucking love shoes, man. | ||
| They like makeup and shoes. | ||
| It looks like they're the opposite sides of the body because they're so ashamed of the middle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like it bleeds. | |
| It's gross. | ||
| Don't look at it. | ||
| Look at my knee. | ||
| Look it up here. | ||
| My eyes are huge. | ||
| Look at my lashes. | ||
| They're unnaturally long. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's probably something like that. | ||
| My legs are so long. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| Look how long my legs are. | ||
| And where do they go to? | ||
| Don't look up there. | ||
| Don't look at my naughty. | ||
| Well, the, the, the, you know, I mean, That's one thing if you're a woman. | ||
| You know, if you're a grown woman, that's what you like. | ||
| And, you know, what the fuck ever. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| You want to go pierce your balls? | ||
| Go do it. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| But for little kids, that's not cool, man. | ||
| To have a six-year-old dressed like a hooker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| It's disturbing. | ||
| It is disturbing. | ||
| It felt very wrong. | ||
| You know, and... | ||
| You know, like that whole JonBenet Ramsey case? | ||
| Man, that shit disturbed the fuck out of me. | ||
| Still don't know the end of that case yet. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| We're gonna find out. | ||
| The dad's still alive, I believe. | ||
| The mom's dead. | ||
| I thought they all died. | ||
| Maybe the dad's dead too. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Anybody know? | ||
| Twitterverse? | ||
| Yeah, Twitterverse says not cool, and I agree. | ||
| You know? | ||
| High heels are just as much an establishment as a male's tie is. | ||
| Both are silly. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Ron Scheiser. | ||
| Goddamn, this Twitter shit goes too fast. | ||
| Ron Heiser. | ||
| Yeah, you're absolutely right. | ||
| I think ties are completely ridiculous. | ||
| I haven't worn a tie in a long... | ||
| I did a documentary recently on DMT. I had to wear a tie because I played like a Rod Sterling type narrator. | ||
| It's a really interesting documentary on DMT. It'll be out sometime this spring. | ||
| But I had to wear a tie. | ||
| I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| The last time I wore a tie was my first album. | ||
| Grab that thing off the wall real quick. | ||
| My first album in 1999. You know, just as a goof. | ||
| One of the things I always said that I love about being a comedian is that you don't have to wear a fucking tie. | ||
| And so, just my first CD, for whatever reason, I just thought it would be funny if I wore a tie. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It just looks strange. | ||
| I had to wear a tie for like 10 years. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Suck. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to work in business, man, it's like there's an agreement. | ||
| Everyone has to know that you are willing to wear something completely ridiculous because you're following by the very obvious rules of behavior. | ||
| It's going to be really easy to predict behavior. | ||
| What you're doing. | ||
| That's what people like. | ||
| Like, I'm a gentleman. | ||
| As a gentleman, well, I feel this. | ||
| I'm a gentleman. | ||
| We've got its tie on. | ||
| Hello, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. | ||
| It's like there's this agreement that you're not going to get too crazy. | ||
| It's like my Dr. Phil impression. | ||
| Bottom of my shoes are shiny. | ||
| They are very slippery. | ||
| I'm not chasing after anybody. | ||
| There's something to that. | ||
| There's something to this silly outfit that you wear that's uncomfortable. | ||
| Like, if people started doing business and they had, like, rash guards on, like lycra rash guards on, like they're ready to go do jiu-jitsu and shit, you know? | ||
| Like, why would that be bad? | ||
| But it is bad, you know? | ||
| You can't have, like, board shorts and... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Running shoes on, and you look like you're ready to fucking pounce on people. | ||
| Nobody wants that in business. | ||
| When you go to business, you have to be dressed uncomfortable. | ||
| Your button has to be all the way up here. | ||
| It's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| And I hate it. | ||
| I remember I used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather, and this was when I was big into acid and stuff like that. | ||
| So every time I would come to work, I was either hungover, still tripping on acid, or something like that. | ||
| It was such a boring job that it was acceptable, because all I had to do was make copies of architect plans and stuff like that. | ||
| Do you think you fucked up your brain on acid? | ||
| Do you think you ever fucked up your brain on it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| I think when I was doing it, I was definitely... | ||
| Was there any point... | ||
| You ever heard Howard Stern talk about his acid trip? | ||
| No. | ||
| Howard Stern talked about it on the radio, and I guess he did a giant dose of acid, like way too much. | ||
| And he was like all fucked up for like a long time. | ||
| Like he was hearing voices and it was just like a real psychotic episode. | ||
| And, you know, that's a really, that's a thing about psychedelics. | ||
| You got to make sure you don't fuck around and do too much. | ||
| Like Dennis McKenna had an experience like that too. | ||
| Dennis McKenna, who's Terrence McKenna's brother, they're both famous psychonauts, psychedelic pioneers in the 70s. | ||
| They went to Brazil and he took like way too much mushrooms and he lost his mind for like two weeks. | ||
| He couldn't communicate with people. | ||
| And the last time I did DMT, I was fucking whacked out for like two solid weeks. | ||
| You wouldn't guess if you were talking to me. | ||
| I was totally normal. | ||
| I did shows. | ||
| The shows went great. | ||
| I went to work. | ||
| I did Fear Factor. | ||
| That went great. | ||
| You know, nothing got fucked up in my life, but my head was like... | ||
| I felt very... | ||
| You know how you feel like your consciousness is like in a foundation? | ||
| Your consciousness is like, you know, like... | ||
| It's like, boom. | ||
| It's solid. | ||
| This is me. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| You wake up in the morning. | ||
| Hi, honey. | ||
| You kiss your girlfriend, brush your teeth. | ||
| This is fucking solid. | ||
| When I did the DMT, my consciousness was like a little tiny raft in a fucked up ocean. | ||
| I kept having these ideas that cars... | ||
| We're going to come launching themselves over the boundaries and hit my car while I was driving. | ||
| And I'm like, why am I thinking this? | ||
| I'm like, what is this about? | ||
| And then I realized that what it was was this idea of worrying about possible disasters was my ego's way of regaining ground and letting me know that it has to have a certain amount of real estate in reality and that If you want to do crazy, | ||
| crazy psychedelics and go into other dimensions and communicate with entities and reevaluate your whole position in the world and humankind's position with each other, that's all well and good. | ||
| But there's some real shit in the world that the ego has to be there for. | ||
| And the ego was like sending me a message. | ||
| Um, dude, what if a fucking car launched itself out? | ||
| You better be fucking paying attention. | ||
| Like there was a certain amount of where it was such a mind-blowing experience. | ||
| That there was a wrestling match going on in my head between my ego and between this new information and accepting all this new information from the psychedelic trip and incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life. | ||
| You think about someone who's like a real shaman. | ||
| They're living in the jungle and they're all at peace in the world. | ||
| They're not calling people douchebags on the internet. | ||
| There's a certain amount of enlightenment that if you achieve it, It's going to make it very hard for you to function in the regular world. | ||
| And I think that's one of the most important things about psychedelic trips. | ||
| There's a lot of cripples in the psychedelic world and in the weed world too. | ||
| There's a lot of people that they're so into these experiences That they can't incorporate it into their everyday life. | ||
| And they're almost crippled in their everyday life because of it. | ||
| And no psychedelic experience is worth anything unless you can take what you've learned from it and enhance regular life. | ||
| Enhance your communication with people, your relationships with people, enhance the way you look at the world, enhance your career path. | ||
| You know, the kind of friends you hang around with. | ||
| Unless it can enhance you. | ||
| The reality is, we live in this world for 8 hours a day or 12 hours a day or however long you're awake. | ||
| This world, this shit, this concrete world is real. | ||
| And you have to manage your way through this. | ||
| Psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that if you want to have a regular job. | ||
| I think the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door. | ||
| In the past, I've been offered DMT, but I won't do it because when I first did mushrooms, that opened up to a door of things I never thought of or saw before, and it's never going to go away. | ||
| It didn't damage my head, but now that I know that exists, I know it's there. | ||
| And so when acid did the same thing, but there's a point where I have to go, okay, is this door, does this door need to be open? | ||
| Is this anything positive with this door being open? | ||
| And some drugs are like that for me because like salvia was the closest to the point where I was like, okay, that is a scary door that I opened up because that just pretty much made everything seem fake. | ||
| Like, it was like, this world is fake, everything's fake. | ||
| And I know that's not true, but it opened up that door where I'm like, okay, that's almost too much of a door. | ||
| I shouldn't have opened up that door. | ||
| I'm never going to be able to get back that thought of not knowing that was there. | ||
| I think that's pretty, we're pretty much saying the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you can't bring it back and incorporate it into your everyday life, and sometimes you open up these doors, you're like, what the fuck am I going to do with this? | ||
| And then your everyday life is just whacked out. | ||
| Some people like going back to that fake world so much, though, and that's where it gets fucking scary. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I think most of those people, their real world is not so hot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why it becomes an escape. | ||
| I don't think it should be an escape. | ||
| I don't think you should ever escape reality. | ||
| You're here. | ||
| This is life. | ||
| Life can be a magical, fucking intense, fantastic experience if you manage it correctly. | ||
| But if you just want to escape all the time, I've got to think that you're probably fucking up in this life. | ||
| And that's imbalanced, you know? | ||
| The people that always want to go. | ||
| It's like the same thing with video games. | ||
| Remember I told you about this dude? | ||
| There was this dude who used to be a manager at the Comedy Store that was addicted to EverQuest. | ||
| Just completely addicted. | ||
| 8, 10, 12 hours a day. | ||
| Lost everything. | ||
| Lost his job. | ||
| Lost his life. | ||
| He just was so pale. | ||
| You would see him. | ||
| He was so pale. | ||
| Looked like he never saw sunlight. | ||
| Like he would order in food and never leave the fucking house for days. | ||
| And he came down to the Comedy Store one night and he goes, it's so weird. | ||
| I'm so good at making money in my online life and so bad in my real life. | ||
| He was starting to realize that he's a fucking loser in this life because he's He's excited and puts all of his passion and energy into this other life. | ||
| But that's just really because this other life is a new and exciting thing. | ||
| You know, a new and artificial thing and he can control it from his computer without dealing with emotions and dealing with all the, you know, the fears and anxieties that the real world presents. | ||
| But the reality is, if we live life in a computer screen and we were offered the real world as a video game, the real world would be so much more fantastic. | ||
| You know, we just don't think of it as being fantastic because we're so goddamn used to it. | ||
| You know, if we lived life in a computer, in a computer monitor, and that's how you were when you were born, and then one day someone said, you know, hey, we've developed this new game that allows you to go outside. | ||
| And you go outside and you actually get laid. | ||
| And you can go and have a real drink. | ||
| And you feel it. | ||
| You do a real shot of Jack Daniels. | ||
| You go, holy shit, this is real. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| You know, you go get laid for real. | ||
| And you drive a car for real. | ||
|
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You'd be like, dude, the real world is the fucking shit. | |
| You would never want to play video games. | ||
| The reason why we want to play video games is because it's a world that we can control completely independent from all the pros and cons of this solid world. | ||
| Completely independent of the emotions and the insecurities and all the shit that we all experience but we don't like. | ||
| But the reason why we experience insecurities and anxiety and anger, these are all like little chemical signals to guide you towards a proper life. | ||
| Like what I found in life, most importantly more than anything, is that the way that I'm the most happiest is if I'm putting out positive energy. | ||
| I'm putting out positive energy to people, to friends, Positive energy on stage, positive energy with my writing, my work, with anything I'm doing, it's all friendly and positive and happy. | ||
| And if you do that, you know, you can have a fucking fantastic life. | ||
| The problem is, it's just difficult to do. | ||
| It's hard to keep your shit together. | ||
| It's hard not to lose your temper. | ||
| It's hard Not to, you know, be obsessed with something and get sidetracked. | ||
| And that's what, like, gambling addictions and masturbation addictions and all that shit. | ||
| That's what that's all about. | ||
| It's like you're trying to distract yourselves from all the pain of being a human, you know? | ||
| I mean, I think fucking Hunter S. Thompson had a quote like that. | ||
| Like, man making himself a beast to get away from the pain of being a man. | ||
| I forget exactly what the quote was. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| We distract the shit out of ourselves because the game of life is fucking hard to do, man. | ||
| Just like a video game is hard to do. | ||
| You remember back when I used to play Quake all the time? | ||
| I played Quake hours and hours a day. | ||
| And you and I played Quake online. | ||
| We played against each other. | ||
| And you can tell the difference between someone who's playing all the time because you get really good at it. | ||
| You know where the rockets are going to go. | ||
| I was sticking rail guns up your ass and electric to you. | ||
| Yeah, I think you won 120 games and I won one. | ||
| Yeah, it's totally not fair. | ||
| And believe me, there's dudes online that would do that to me, just rape me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they had put so much time into this fucking crazy game, they would get good at it. | ||
| But since you hadn't put time, how frustrating was it? | ||
| So you didn't want to play, right? | ||
| You wanted to shut it off. | ||
| That's exactly the same as life. | ||
| If you get good at life of the game, then it's fun as fuck. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, life must be the shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's starring in movies, driving a Ferrari, banging supermodels. | ||
| What? | ||
| He's got a gigantic fucking mansion. | ||
| I mean, he's a movie. | ||
| It must be so fun for him. | ||
| But not everybody can be Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| So if you're the fucking garbage man who came home and his wife is fucking the newspaper guy, that's not a fun life. | ||
| That's just like a guy who's not good at Quake getting murdered in a game. | ||
| It's not fun, man. | ||
| It's like playing pool. | ||
| If you're good... | ||
| I play pool. | ||
| I love pool. | ||
| I get obsessed with it. | ||
| But I have a friend, my friend Max Eberle. | ||
| He's a professional. | ||
| And he's a top professional. | ||
| I mean, he's capable of winning, when he's in stroke, capable of winning any tournament in the world. | ||
| I mean, he's really fucking good. | ||
| And when I play against him, sometimes it's so frustrating. | ||
| And I play pretty good. | ||
| Like, for a regular person, I play good. | ||
| But for, like, a pro, not even fucking close. | ||
| So when I play max, it's just getting my ass handed to me. | ||
| It's just getting fucked up. | ||
| The only time it's fun is when we play on a really, really tight table, so occasionally he misses. | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, I get to shoot. | ||
| So he's much better at that game. | ||
| You should give him a handicap of some sort. | ||
| No, we don't play for anything. | ||
| And it's good for me. | ||
| It's good for me because you get used to playing against a guy like that. | ||
| It's not as fun as playing against a guy who's like your speed. | ||
| But it's really good for your game because it makes sure that you capitalize on every mistake. | ||
| Sometimes you'll play a guy who's not as good as you and you're like, I don't worry about this because if I miss, this guy's going to miss and I'll have another shot. | ||
| But with Max, every time you miss, you're like, fuck, I better sit down for a while. | ||
| Anyway, I believe that... | ||
| The Hunter S. quote is actually from Samuel Johnson, an English author. | ||
| Thank you very much, sir. | ||
| I thought it was a Hunter Thompson quote. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| C.J. McElhinney. | ||
| McElhinney. | ||
| It's... | ||
| How... | ||
| What about names like Schwarzenegger? | ||
| How the fuck did that ever get through? | ||
| What culture ran out of sounds so they had to string together something nutty like that? | ||
| People that like to write in cursive. | ||
|
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This is going to be the best cursive writing I've ever seen. | |
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Like manuscripts. | ||
| They used to write it on pages. | ||
| They didn't have lines in the paper. | ||
| They just had paper. | ||
| And they would write it exactly. | ||
| Have you ever heard of the Voynich Manuscript? | ||
| The Voynich manuscript, I don't know if I'm saying it right, is this ancient manuscript that was found... | ||
| It's hundreds of years old. | ||
| And they have no fucking idea what it says. | ||
| They don't know the language. | ||
| They don't know anything about it. | ||
| They don't know if it's just nonsense. | ||
| If some guy was just practicing scribble. | ||
| But it's really long. | ||
| And there's consistency in how it's written. | ||
| But they can't decode it. | ||
| They've had top encryption experts. | ||
| And it's very divided. | ||
| Some people believe it's a hoax. | ||
| And some people believe that it's some fucking lost language. | ||
| And some people think that it's glossolalia. | ||
| Like when someone talks in tongues. | ||
| And that they just went into a fucking trance. | ||
| It's probably just some retard with a pen. | ||
| No, because it's got really good writing. | ||
| It's got diagrams in it and really good illustrations and diagrams in it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah, it's really complicated. | ||
| They found that temple in Turkey. | ||
| That is 7,000 years older than the pyramids. | ||
| A very complex stone temple carved out of stone and shit. | ||
| And now they have to rewrite human history. | ||
| Because 7,000 years before Egypt is 9,000, 10,000 BC. And 10,000 BC, they already had temples and were worshipping shit. | ||
| That throws a monkey wrench into the whole gears of the idea of cultural evolution. | ||
| And there's been this guy, John Anthony West... | ||
| John Anthony West, look that up on Google because this guy is fascinating. | ||
| He's got an awesome DVD series called Magical Egypt. | ||
| And this guy is obsessed with Egypt. | ||
| He spent his entire life studying Egypt. | ||
| And he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way, way, way before the established timelines. | ||
| Like the established timelines for Egyptian culture is like 2500 BC. That's when they think the pyramids were built, and that the culture goes back a little bit before that, but not much. | ||
| And he thinks it goes back like 35,000 years. | ||
| He thinks that people have been around way, way longer, and that there was some big break somewhere along the line, like probably some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster, like a meteor impact or something like that. | ||
| You know, and it could be, you know, 10,000, 15,000 years ago. | ||
| Like, they don't know when it was, but they think that there was, like, an advanced culture, and then boom, it got fucked up, and then culture rebuilds, and society rebuilds, and then what's left is, like, they're living in this shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago, and they tried to imitate it and recreate it, and they can't. | ||
| And he believes that that's what it is. | ||
| Like these fucked up pyramids that they have in Egypt. | ||
| It's not that these pyramids were like the first pyramids. | ||
| He thinks much, much more likely these pyramids were probably like people were trying to duplicate other shit. | ||
| Duplicate shit that was already there. | ||
| You know, they believe that... | ||
| Actually, that's not his theory. | ||
| That's someone else's theory. | ||
| His theory is... | ||
| One of the things is about the Sphinx. | ||
| They brought in geologists... | ||
| And the geologists have, like, documented the erosion of the Sphinx, and they say that it's water erosion. | ||
| Like, thousands of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures in the whole enclosure where the Sphinx is. | ||
| And the problem with that is, the last time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 7,000, 9,000 B.C. So that would mean that the pyramids, or the Sphinx rather, would have to be like 7,000 years older than the established timeline. | ||
| And so, of course, none of the Egyptologists like the guys have been teaching forever that the pyramids and the Sphinx and all that was built about 2500 BC. They never want, they don't want to accept it. | ||
| They go, well, where's the evidence for this culture? | ||
| Like, it's right there, man. | ||
| There's fucking rainfall for thousands of years have created this. | ||
| And geologists are universal about that. | ||
| There's no one who's disputing that. | ||
| The geologists are all saying he's got hundreds. | ||
| This guy, Ron Schock, who's a professor at Boston University, has got over a hundred professional professors and geologists to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly water erosion, which completely changes the timeline for when the Sphinx was built. | ||
| And there's a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt. | ||
| They believe that it's like probably, you know, maybe even 30,000 years old. | ||
| There's a mass extinction took place on the earth Somewhere around 10,000 years ago. | ||
| And that's when the woolly mammoths died instantaneously. | ||
| That's when the saber-toothed tigers died. | ||
| Noah's Ark? | ||
| No, that's before that. | ||
| But 10,000 years ago, North America, half of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice. | ||
| There was an ice age going on. | ||
| And something killed it and ended it, like, instantaneously. | ||
| And they don't know what it was. | ||
| And it's very, very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster. | ||
| It's very likely that it was a fucking meteor impact. | ||
| That some... | ||
| Whoa, what happened to that guy's arm? | ||
| You're distracting the shit out of me, son. | ||
| Don't look at me. | ||
| Well, don't fucking have a monitor open in front of me. | ||
| Dude's surfing. | ||
| He's not even paying attention. | ||
| We do a one-week podcast. | ||
| This dude is so addicted to the internet, he can't even talk for one week. | ||
| I've heard you talk before. | ||
| You've heard me talk? | ||
| Well, this is online, dude. | ||
| There's 675 people that... | ||
| Have not heard this story. | ||
| Don't look at me. | ||
| Shut up, faggot. | ||
| Anyway, I think people have been around way longer. | ||
| I think it's much more likely that... | ||
| It's just ridiculous that people still don't believe in how long this world's been around, you know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, like people that believe the Earth's 10,000 years old? | ||
| Yeah, it just drives me crazy. | ||
| Well, you know, that's a monster number. | ||
| More than 50% of America, according to a Gallup poll, which is not the same because... | ||
| Here's the thing about polls. | ||
| You can't say, like, according to a recent poll, 50% of Americans believe this. | ||
| Because no, no, according to your recent poll, 50% of Americans who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll believe in that. | ||
| That's the reality of it. | ||
|
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That's ridiculous. | |
| Polls are never representative of anybody intelligent. | ||
| Because you can't get me to answer a fucking poll. | ||
| You can't get you. | ||
| You got shit to do. | ||
| Don't you have a hobby? | ||
| You hear somebody calls you, may I have five minutes of your time? | ||
| No, that's for, like, old ladies who have no friends. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, look at this glitter! | ||
| Or, I'm fucking super baked, and I just don't want to hang up on the person. | ||
| And I'm like, um, okay, five minutes, okay. | ||
| You know, I'm trying to be nice. | ||
| But the reality is, polls represent retards. | ||
| You know, you're a fucking, you're a dullard. | ||
| You're answering polls, goddammit. | ||
| The only time I do a poll is if I think I'm going to win something if I answer. | ||
| 20% of Americans can't find the United States on a globe. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Joe Beef. | ||
| Don't be lying. | ||
| Joe Beef is lying. | ||
| Joe Beef, would you make that shit up? | ||
| Solar flares up in 2012, bro. | ||
| We're crossing the galactic equator then. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There's a guy, Richard Tyson, is that his name? | ||
| What is that guy's name? | ||
| The astronomer. | ||
| Really, Neil Tyson. | ||
| Neil Tyson. | ||
| Very, very intelligent guy. | ||
| And I really like listening to him talk. | ||
| And one of the things he said about this whole crossing the aquatic... | ||
| Whatever... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is the exact... | ||
| The way this guy... | ||
| Galactic Equator? | ||
| I think that's what this guy said. | ||
| Yeah, we're crossing through the center of the galaxy. | ||
| Everything's in line on December 21st, 2012. You know what he says? | ||
| He says that happens all the time. | ||
| He says that line up with the center of the galaxy. | ||
| It doesn't happen then. | ||
| He says it happens all the time. | ||
| And nothing happens. | ||
| So, who knows if he's right or if he's one of those guys that's super skeptical. | ||
| But I think what's much more likely is going to happen in 2012 is something technological. | ||
| Something technological. | ||
| Some crazy invention. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| I don't think it'd be anything. | ||
| It could be that too. | ||
| It could be that 2012 what really happens is nothing happens and then people realize, oh, we have to actually manage this life. | ||
| We can't just rely on fucking aliens landing. | ||
| I was more scared about 2000 just because that made sense. | ||
| Like all the computers, planes dropping from the sky. | ||
| I was scared too. | ||
| I didn't do a gig. | ||
| Right. | ||
| On 2000. I stayed home. | ||
| Yeah, I thought for sure there was at least going to be something small when 2000 hit. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that that's 10 years ago now? | ||
| Time is just fucking flying by, man. | ||
| It's crazy fast. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It almost feels like it's quicker every year. | ||
| And everybody says that, but what if time really is quicker? | ||
| What if, like, clocks are moving quicker, too? | ||
| We just can't really establish it because... | ||
| That wouldn't make sense, because what about digital clocks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no. | |
| Well, they all exist in this fucking dimension. | ||
| Maybe this dimension is moving quicker. | ||
| Units of time are, you know, almost... | ||
| I think we're forgetting more. | ||
| So it feels like we're forgetting more of the day. | ||
| Because we have more information? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, right? | ||
| I'm afraid for appetators. | ||
| Thoughts on the Zeitgeist Movement. | ||
| You know what I think about Zeitgeist and all that stuff? | ||
| There's a lot of Zeitgeist that's poorly researched, like the stuff that he said about Mithra and the different gods and stuff that are just like Jesus. | ||
| A lot of that is really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven wrong. | ||
| There's a website that says, I think it's common, debunking Zeitgeist or something like that. | ||
| I forget what the website is titled, but I mean, the guy just breaks down all the errors that the dude who made the movie made. | ||
| And this is, you know, he's quoting references and showing very clearly That the Zeitgeist guys have made some big problems, big fuck ups. | ||
| And I think his whole, how sure he is that September 11th was designed and perpetrated by the US government and that Tower 1 and Tower 2 fell because they were detonated. | ||
| Like, you're sure of that? | ||
| Look, no one's sure of that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| All this talk of free-fall speed and the towers fell at free-fall speed. | ||
| Yeah, they fell pretty fucking fast, but that's what happens when shit falls apart. | ||
| It falls apart pretty fucking fast. | ||
| Especially shit that's super heavy and gigantic and all that weight is on and it's all just collapsing. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what happens when you build a building that way and you fly a fucking giant plane filled with jet fuel into it. | ||
| The only way to really know, I mean you can have theories, but the only way to really know is to build another building and fly another jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens. | ||
| And if it falls down exactly like that one... | ||
| Then the argument's pretty much over. | ||
| And if it doesn't, then you have to go, well, okay, well, what was inside the building? | ||
| Did it all burn the same? | ||
| Was it exactly constructed the same? | ||
| You know, and then you've got to try it again. | ||
| I mean, you have to fucking have more than two buildings to go on. | ||
| And everybody's like, buildings have never fallen before. | ||
| Look, the government does some nasty, evil shit. | ||
| That is absolutely a fact. | ||
| But you don't know. | ||
| You don't know what happened there. | ||
| And to say that you know is just as bad as people who blindly trust in the U.S. government. | ||
| The thing that I have a big question about when it comes to September 11th is Tower 7. And if you watch video online, there's video of Tower 7 falling, and it falls just like a controlled demolition. | ||
| I mean, it just goes straight down, whoosh, all at once. | ||
| And it's really crazy to watch, man. | ||
| You know, because, like, it implodes from the basement down, and every level falls apart, including, like, jets of energy, like, spraying out of windows like there's blasts. | ||
| I mean, maybe that could be because it's collapsing. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's a whole floor of air being pushed through the windows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the problem is, it all falls at the exact same time, and that building wasn't even hit by a plane. | ||
| It was on fire, and it had a hole in it from, like, debris and stuff, and I could see it falling down. | ||
| But there was a hole in one corner. | ||
| And the hole, if it's a hole there, and the building's going to collapse, wouldn't it collapse towards the hole? | ||
| I mean, doesn't that make sense? | ||
|
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|
Maybe. | |
| It also makes sense, the whole standing on a pop can thing, where if you stand on a pop can and you knock a little bit off the side, you're not falling over, you're going straight down because of the weight. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's so heavy. | ||
| Even if there's a hole on it, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's just going straight down. | ||
| That's maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think with all that shit, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad there's people that freak out about it and care about it because without them, the government's going to get away with a bunch of shit. | ||
| But in my opinion, I don't care. | ||
| If the government did it, fuck, they did it. | ||
| I'm still waking up eating more cereal. | ||
| That is one thing you have to consider. | ||
| How is this going to help you? | ||
| How is this going to help you in your life? | ||
|
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I know. | |
| If you get obsessed with this. | ||
| Look, here's the bottom line. | ||
| People that think the government wouldn't kill people, and nobody died in Tower 7, supposedly. | ||
| That seems so hard to believe. | ||
| People who think the government would not kill people, this is all you need to know. | ||
| For sure, they start wars that don't need to be started. | ||
| That's 100% fact. | ||
| For sure, the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into the Vietnam War, That was a fake fucking attack on Americans. | ||
| They faked it. | ||
| And they faked it and made this big deal about it so that everybody would get fired up and realize we have to go to Vietnam. | ||
| That's fact. | ||
| This is history. | ||
| You know, and the fact that they wrote up a thing called Operation Northwoods, the Northwoods document. | ||
| And the Northwoods document was they were planning attacks on Americans. | ||
| And they were going to, this is in 1962, and they were going, this is signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, by the way, and vetoed by Kennedy. | ||
| They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| They were going to lob grenades and mortars into Guantanamo Bay and possibly kill American soldiers. | ||
| They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on the Cubans. | ||
| And they were going to tell Americans, we have to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| Well, people were going to fucking die in that war, for sure. | ||
| And people were going to die in a war that Americans didn't want. | ||
| And so they decided to do what's called a false flag and make attacks on Americans and blame it on the Cubans. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| They're willing to kill people. | ||
| And only 3,000 people died in September 11th. | ||
| For sure, that's a lot of people. | ||
| I'm not making light of it, but... | ||
| In comparison to how many people have died in Iraq during the fucking war, they're talking about like a million civilians have died in Iraq since the invasion. | ||
| A million. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| Look at Haiti. | ||
| I mean, millions of people died from that earthquake in Haiti, but we didn't have an HD video fucking, you know, seeing it. | ||
| Yeah, but we're not responsible for that. | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| Well, I know, I know, I know, but I think the reason why... | ||
| What I'm saying is that they're willing to kill people. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I think the reason why we're focused on it, though, is just because of that, that we all watched it live. | ||
| Where, you know, if we saw these people in Iraq get shot live on TV, it would probably be just as big as 9-11, you know? | ||
| Well, I don't know about that. | ||
| You know, I think... | ||
| I think... | ||
| Well... | ||
| I think the idea was that it was an attack on American soil. | ||
| I mean, that's really why it was such a big deal. | ||
| I mean, I remember how everybody got so patriotic after theirs. | ||
| Do you remember after September 11th how everybody had fucking American flags in their car? | ||
| Remember that weird feeling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were still in Ohio back then, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Did they have them in Ohio? | ||
| Oh yeah, it was crazy bad. | ||
| I went to work one day. | ||
| I don't even think I was doing Fear Factor at the time. | ||
| I might have been. | ||
| But I was driving down the street near my house. | ||
| And every fucking car had an American flag on it. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| And I was like, this is just weird. | ||
| This is a weird feeling. | ||
| It's like people are bowing up. | ||
| They're ready to just go to fucking war. | ||
| And you don't realize how warlike this fucking culture really is. | ||
| And how sheep-like. | ||
| And how people are just immediately willing to fight. | ||
| And fight who? | ||
| The people who did it are dead. | ||
| It was a suicide attack. | ||
| So the people that were responsible for the deaths of those people are all dead. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Unless you're one of those crazy motherfuckers that doesn't believe that it was a real plane. | ||
| And then there's people that believe that, you know, they were piloted by remote control and the planes were empty. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Shit happened almost, what, is this 10 years? | ||
|
unidentified
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It's almost 10 years ago. | |
| 10 years? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, 9 years. | |
| And people are still talking about it? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's so frustrating. | ||
| Talking to people who claim to know. | ||
| That's when it's really frustrating. | ||
| Man, it wasn't a plane that hit the Pentagon. | ||
| It was a missile. | ||
| Where's all the people that died in the fucking plane crash then? | ||
| What, they just took them and... | ||
| Why would they say it's a plane? | ||
| Why would they shoot a missile and say it's a plane? | ||
| Why were there all the plane parts on the lawn? | ||
| I mean, come on, man. | ||
| We talked about this before. | ||
| This? | ||
| The plane part? | ||
| Yeah, I think we actually laughed for two weeks ago. | ||
| What's fear factor real? | ||
| Nothing is real. | ||
| Depends on how much acid you take. | ||
| Joe Rogan hates Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| That is so not true. | ||
| It's not true? | ||
| Are you just trying to get attention, motherfucker? | ||
| No, I don't hate Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| Born to Run, that's a great fucking song. | ||
| Brilliant Disguise, that's a great fucking song. | ||
| Never got into Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| Dude, I don't love all Bruce Springsteen, and I'm not going to sit through a fucking three-hour concert of anybody's. | ||
| It would have to be like Richard Pryor would have to come back from the dead. | ||
| Pink Floyd? | ||
| I might sit through three hours of Pink Floyd. | ||
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| I'd get bored. | ||
| They don't have three hours of good songs. | ||
| But I love some of Bruce Springsteen's songs. | ||
| Some of them are the fucking shit. | ||
| I bought an old Rolling Stone album the other day because it had one song on it that I really liked. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But the rest of the album was dog shit. | ||
| And that's the Rolling Stones. | ||
| You think about how many great songs they have. | ||
| They have a lot of fucking albums. | ||
| If you go back into some of those older albums and listen to some of those songs that you don't know... | ||
| It's just shit. | ||
| Nobody puts out something that everybody loves. | ||
| It's very rare that I like a whole album from a band. | ||
| Have you ever been to a real orgy with more than 10 people having sex in the same room? | ||
| You walked in and you're like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| An orgy? | ||
| Yeah, like a real one. | ||
| No, I've never been to an orgy. | ||
|
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Have you? | |
| No, I just... | ||
| We were in Tampa. | ||
| Remember when we were in Tampa, Florida? | ||
| Someone was trying to get us to go to a sex club? | ||
| Because he had a swingers club. | ||
| That happened again with me and Ari in, I think it was Nashville. | ||
| Me and Ari were in Nashville. | ||
| We had this driver who drove us to the UFC, drove us to the comedy club. | ||
| The same driver all week. | ||
| And then finally, he's dropping us off at the airport. | ||
| And he's like, as he's dropping us off, I was like, well, if you guys are ever back in town, no, I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to. | ||
|
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Oh, no. | |
| I go, what? | ||
| And I go, swingers? | ||
| Yeah, me and my wife, we're swingers. | ||
| You're swingers. | ||
| So you let dudes fuck your wife? | ||
| He's like, well, you know, she lets me and I have to let her. | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, we get to choose, though. | ||
| We have veto power. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| We got veto power. | ||
| I go, so if some dude, you feel like you can't follow him? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| No big, young studs. | ||
| Like, he gets to choose. | ||
| Like, he wants, like, old, bald, fucking, you know, vacuum salesman banging his wife. | ||
|
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That would be so bad. | |
| I'm like, do you watch? | ||
| He goes, no, I don't want to watch. | ||
| You don't want to watch. | ||
| You don't want to watch. | ||
| Your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room. | ||
| How crazy is that bitch? | ||
| You know, how crazy is she? | ||
| You know, whenever I hear about chicks that want to fuck, like, a bunch of different dudes at the same time, like, that is... | ||
| Look, we're all wired differently. | ||
| I like hot sauce. | ||
| You like hot sauce? | ||
| You like spicy food? | ||
| I like fucking really spicy food. | ||
| I'll fuck myself up. | ||
| I put Dave's Insanity Sauce on burritos and I'm sweating. | ||
| Sweat is pouring on my face. | ||
| My tongue is on fire. | ||
| Now, to most people, they wouldn't like that, but I like that for some weird reason. | ||
| Maybe some girls just like bixing everywhere. | ||
| Maybe they like it. | ||
| Maybe they're just going crazy. | ||
| Maybe it's not, but maybe they're broken. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It depends on the person. | ||
| Some of them are for sure fucked up. | ||
| There was this girl on the Howard Stern show today that got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| No! | ||
| And she sewed it back up. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| And then she was talking about how she just the other day had two dicks in her ass. | ||
|
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What? | |
| I'm like, wouldn't you, once your intestines rip open... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Who is this girl? | ||
| She's in the new Jersey Shore porn. | ||
| Jersey... | ||
| Whore or something like that. | ||
| Somebody knows. | ||
| You guys know. | ||
| Someone on Twitter knows. | ||
| There's a bunch of you fucking perverts. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You people know who it is. | ||
| I forget her name. | ||
| Teresa or something like that. | ||
| Whoever was listening to the Stern Show today and heard that. | ||
| Yeah, Mr. Hands. | ||
| That sounds just like Mr. Hands. | ||
| But a regular dick doing that to you, that's even more impressive. | ||
| The horse dick, you look at it and you go, how does it not kill you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The most amazing thing about that Mr. Hands thing, if you don't know what Mr. Hands is, It's a guy who got fucked to death by a horse. | ||
| And there's a video of it online. | ||
| You can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse. | ||
| But the amazing thing is... | ||
| Taron Thomas. | ||
| They did it... | ||
| Taron Thomas. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Thank you very much, Mighty Hubris, you fucking pervert. | ||
| But the amazing thing about the horse fucking video is that apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse a bunch of times and nothing happened. | ||
| Like, he was okay. | ||
| How does that even happen? | ||
| Mr. Hands is your 9-11. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Because you talk about that shit every day. | ||
| Is there a point where you're like, man, I do talk about fucking horse fucking a lot more than I should. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, because it's a bit of my act now. | ||
| So now it's like part of my job. | ||
| You remember the shit, the bah face? | ||
| I used to go behind you and always make the faces all the time? | ||
| Well, I found myself doing it on normal faces. | ||
| So, like, it would be my mom, like, hey, mom, let's take a photo. | ||
|
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And everybody, like, I'm like, oh, I'm doing this all the time now. | |
| I have to stop. | ||
| So that's why I stopped in the bah face, because it was, like, something that was, like, in my head. | ||
| If you don't know what the bah face is, and this is a thing that went on for literally, like, five years. | ||
| Every time I took a picture with someone, like, you know, someone came to a show and they wanted to take a picture with me, Every time, Brian was behind them like this. | ||
| We have to organize them and put them online. | ||
| It's on MySpace, but a lot of them are. | ||
| There's a million more. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| We're talking about no bullshit. | ||
| Five years worth of shows. | ||
| Thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pictures, all with Brian behind it, making crazy fucking faces. | ||
| I have a picture of me and David Lee Roth, and you're behind it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the last one I did, or the one that made me realize I needed to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesnar, and I was so drunk, and the next day I'm like, I did not do it with Brock Lesnar. | ||
| How about the one you did with Dane Cook, man? | ||
| Oh yeah, and I did to Dane Cook. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| But no, the Brock Lesnar one, I was like, I need to stop. | ||
| He could have easily kicked my ass right then and there. | ||
| Oh my god, I don't have that picture. | ||
| You've got to send that to me. | ||
| I'm going to put this up on Twitter right now. | ||
| Holy shit, that's awesome. | ||
| Send to Flickr. | ||
| Send to Flickr. | ||
| I'm going to do it right now. | ||
| Wow, I've never seen that photo before. | ||
| Yeah, I'll put that shit up. | ||
| Put it on Flickr? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dude, whatever. | ||
| I can't believe I boffaced David Lee Roth. | ||
| Yeah, you did, dude. | ||
| Dude, I can't wait to... | ||
| Well, no, I shouldn't say this. | ||
| But I can't wait to one day where David Lee Roth won't... | ||
| Be around maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| So we can release that video. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Or he won't be. | ||
| We have this video of us all hanging out with David Lee Rock. | ||
| Dude, don't even talk about that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't mean die. | ||
| I mean like he doesn't care. | ||
| Don't even say about it right now. | ||
| Because he told us not to talk about it. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| I mean, he doesn't want that video coming out, so the last thing we should do is talk about what's on that video, man. | ||
| No, no, I was just going to say, we all sat around and talked. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right, bullshit, man. | ||
| You were saying you can't wait until he dies so you can release it. | ||
| No, no, no, just so we can show it to people, because it was so awesome. | ||
| It was awesome there, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was just cool talking to him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was basically just David Lee Roth talking about crazy road stories. | ||
| I mean, it was nothing scandalous. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| It was just, I mean, it's fucking David Lee Roth, you know? | ||
| It's just weird hanging out with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to. | ||
| Buying his albums at Gold Circle. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| Hanging out with David Lee Roth was the shit. | ||
| Alright, hold on. | ||
| I'm gonna choose the photo. | ||
| I'm gonna put that shit online. | ||
| But this picture of Brian going nutty behind David Lee Roth is just indicative of one of fucking... | ||
| You probably have... | ||
| Some of you guys probably have photos of me in the background. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| People would get so mad. | ||
| Yeah, people almost I've never had fights with me before. | ||
| They always get so mad. | ||
| They go, yo, Joe, bro, what's this fucking asshole doing behind you? | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, he's my friend. | ||
| He's actually getting paid to do that. | ||
| The guy in Tempe, remember? | ||
| He came back twice because he was so pissed off. | ||
| People were mad. | ||
| Well, there's weird people that, like, there's weird people that fucking, like, take pictures that they take with you and, like, put them, like, in their living room, frame them. | ||
| I went to this guy's house once. | ||
| We did this Fear Factor thing. | ||
| Please don't tell me that Firefox is fucking crashing again, you dirty cunt. | ||
| Oh my god, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Are we still on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
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Dude, come on. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh my god, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| God damn it dude, we're gonna lose this fucking recording too. | ||
| I don't think we'll release this recording, will we? | ||
| Dude, what are we doing? | ||
|
unidentified
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Go to the show. | |
| Go to the show. | ||
|
unidentified
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What are you doing? | |
| Trying to. | ||
| We froze, huh? |
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